Greg Fitzsimmons + David Koechner (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – Greg Fitzsimmons & David Koechner (Carolla Classics) Release Date: April 26, 2025

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Introduction to Carolla Classics (01:05)

Hosted by Giovanni, Cruel Classics curates the best highlights from 16 years of The Adam Carolla Show. This episode features excerpts from earlier shows, focusing on candid conversations, humor, and insightful discussions with recurring guests.

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Guest Spotlight: Greg Fitzsimmons (02:13)

Brian Bishop welcomes comedian Greg Fitzsimmons to the show. Their conversation kicks off with promotional segments for Greg’s upcoming performances and his book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [02:16]:

  "Greg can be found at Caroline's in New York, that's April 14th through the 17th, and also his book Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons is available as we speak."

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Discussion on Confidence and Advice-Giving (05:05)

Brian and Greg delve into the nature of confidence, distinguishing between inflated self-belief and earned self-assurance.

Notable Quotes:

• Brian Bishop [07:05]:

  "I feel like you have. There's a couple of kinds of confidence. ... I feel like yours is earned."

• Greg Fitzsimmons [08:19]:

  "Sure, I love that theory. ... I come from Bronx Irish Catholic stock, where you stand at a bar and you give advice to each other."

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Navigating Advice in Modern Society (09:53)

They explore why giving advice often results in pushback in today’s society compared to more open, albeit confrontational, exchanges in the past.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [09:53]:

  "What happened to our society where every time you say to somebody, hey, here's how you're supposed to do this, they go, hey, who died? Made you the king of."

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Anecdotes on Social Interactions and Public Behavior (15:01)

Brian shares a humorous yet relatable story about awkward interactions in airplane bathrooms, highlighting societal discomfort with male vulnerability.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [15:02]:

  "I would argue I don't have a choice about that."

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Critique of Law Enforcement in Los Angeles (35:56)

Brian passionately criticizes the LAPD and other local police departments for fostering an environment where law-abiding citizens fear interacting with them. He recounts personal experiences of feeling intimidated and mistreated by officers.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [52:38]:

  "I have been saying this for a long time ... the LAPD are mostly dicks."

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Celebrity and Addiction Discussions (46:00)

The conversation shifts to reflections on addiction, recovery, and the portrayal of these themes in shows like Celebrity Rehab. Jennifer Jimenez shares her own journey to sobriety and the challenges faced during and after her time on the show.

Notable Quotes:

• Jennifer Jimenez [63:56]:

  "So I go and I'm looking through the bags and, like, there's open needles in my hands with heroin and whatnot."

• Brian Bishop [74:08]:

  "But the trajectory they were on, they would have taken themselves out going the wrong way ..."

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Humor Around Social Norms and Relationships (85:00)

The hosts humorously dissect societal expectations in relationships, emphasizing the complexities and often contradictory advice individuals receive from loved ones.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [169:32]:

  "How about you just stay home and get shit faced like me, you know?"

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Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events (117:07 onwards)

Brian wraps up the episode by promoting upcoming live shows and events, including appearances by comedians like Dave Koechner and Larry Miller. He also highlights promotional offers related to the show’s sponsors.

Notable Quote:

• Brian Bishop [117:07]:

  "Good day, Bald Brian. ... That's our boy. Grapefruit. Come next we have Adam Crollishow, 554. David Koechner, Larry Miller, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. 2011 subsidies. Gloria."

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Conclusion

This episode of Carolla Classics offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and critical commentary on societal issues, particularly focusing on confidence, advice-giving, interactions with law enforcement, and personal struggles with addiction. Greg Fitzsimmons' candid participation complements Adam Carolla's unfiltered style, making for an engaging and thought-provoking listen.

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Key Takeaways:

• Earned confidence versus inflated self-belief.
• Modern society's resistance to unsolicited advice.
• Personal frustrations with local law enforcement practices.
• The complexities of addiction and the journey to sobriety.
• Humorous takes on relationships and societal expectations.

Notable Guests:

• Greg Fitzsimmons: Comedian and author of Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons.
• David Koechner: Actor and comedian, known for his roles in Anchorman and Hot Tub Time Machine.
• Jennifer Jimenez: Participant in Celebrity Rehab, sharing her recovery journey.

For those interested in unfiltered humor and insightful discussions on contemporary issues, this episode of The Adam Carolla Show provides a comprehensive and entertaining experience.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

Spine tingling horror and romance and far off realms, unleash your adventure aside with gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us that's audible.com wondery us.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we put the best moments highlights on fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Crolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics. You can find the ad free archives available through Podcast One Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Crolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, and exclusive access to Adam's new show Beat it out through his [e-mail] make sure to check it out and subscribe. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics adamcarolla.com now note on that we cannot play anything from old Loveline nor the Kayla Sex Adam Crolla Morning show unless it first played on the podcast and Adam did commentary about that clip of that moment. So certain things that's happened with like the Ann Coulter hang up some famous Loveline moments like the Holocaust call a couple other things. But for the most part that stuff can never be played as clips on Classics. If you'd like to hear any of that stuff or have any other questions, please find [e-mail] Giovanni that's where I handle all those other questions for shows and things that can't be put in this feed. Let's get to the clips coming first we have ADAM KURILLO Show One on One with Greg Simmons, episode 5:36. It's from 2011. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Brian Bishop]

Good to see you Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's good to be getting it on.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it is a couple little quick pieces of business and then it's right up Greg. By the way, Greg's can be found at Caroline's in New York, that's April 14th through the 17th, and also his book Dear Mrs. I should say Fitzsimmons out available as we speak at Amazon and Barnes and Noble. And we got this cool thing going with Amazon, this click through thing, which is if you go to AdamCarolla.com and you hit the Amazon button there and you buy Greg Fitzsimmons book, then we get a little love. It's kind of cool. It's a nice way of helping us without having to dig into your own pocket. So you're gonna go to Amazon and you're gonna buy dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons anyway. So why not just [e-mail], click through us, go to Amazon, buy the book. That way we get to wet our beak. Greg gets his stuff. You guys understand how it goes. And it works with toaster ovens or anything else you want to buy over there at Amazon, you just go through us. Then we get credit for it. It's dia.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you amway now?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm essentially turning into amway. I think myself is more herbalife than amway. As a matter of fact, there was a filter here. I've been involved with those schemes. And let's make a note. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna make a note that says herbalife because they get you at your lowest. And I want to talk about that with Fitzpatrick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're circle back to herbalife.

[Brian Bishop]

We're circling back. Also gonna be at the Lovett theater next Thursday with and byme theater in Pittsburgh tonight, Egyptian room, Indianapolis Friday, Pageant Theater, St. Louis on Saturday. And then the Orpheum in Phoenix coming up on April 22nd. And let me just say this. I don't. I don't want to bash on la, but for the love of Christ, the Orpheum theater in Phoenix just went on sale like yesterday. And they've already sold 500 tickets. Like, I don't need your help over there, but this goddamn Wiltern is a fucking bitch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Louisiana's a bitch.

[Brian Bishop]

LA is a fucking beast. It's like it's so hard to sell tickets in la. Not orange county, but la. And I understand if you're Fitzsimmons and you come from the Boston area, or you're Joel mchale and you come from Seattle. I come from l. A. God damn it. How about some goddamn love?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No love.

[Brian Bishop]

This would never happen to Dickie in Boston. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hear you.

[Brian Bishop]

Dickie may have trouble selling a few tickets in Phoenix or Seattle, but not in Boston. Louisiana's got to be the only God town around where it doesn't mean shit that you're from here, as a matter of fact. Strike one, Carolla. You're from la. I'm from la.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That could be true.

[Brian Bishop]

The Wiltern Theater is my theater. That. That is my Madison Square Garden.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I guess? Tickets are not selling well right now.

[Brian Bishop]

What gave you that idea? Oh, they're going along, but it's like, I swear to you, we do Phoenix, we do the Moore Theater, and. Sorry, Seattle. More theater in Seattle. 1875 seats, 1500 gone. The first two weeks it's on sale.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why they call it More.

[Brian Bishop]

Then the whole place is sold out on a Sunday night. Sunday night in la, I gotta fucking sit on the corner with a piece of plywood, a glory hole in front of my mouth, on knee pads. It says, you don't have to. I know, but I choose to. The point is, I'm here. Let's do the will.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did a benefit once in la. We had Jay Leno, Louis ck, I forget who else. And we couldn't sell out the Laugh Factory.

[Brian Bishop]

I was laughing. Speaking of the Laugh Factory, I was talking to Titus about it today and I said he was asking me about doing his charity and we're talking about dates. And he said, you know, in years past, Leno hosted the thing and something. And I said, how'd you do? And he said, oh, you know, we had a 1400 seater. And I, you know, they had Leno and CK and a bunch of guys that you knew. And he said, we did 1100 seats. And I thought, well, that's good, but it's a charity and it's Jay Leno and it should fucking sell out in the first 20 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, 1400 seats is really what's considered like a first tier theater. Like, if you were in Indianapolis, right, There would be a 1400 seater, a 3000 seater, and then a 7000 seater. Yes, and if you were Jay Leno, you'd be going to the 7000 seater. Meanwhile, in LA, with two other acts, he can't sell 1400.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. Well, now there's me with no other act. So that Jimmy Kimmel's gonna stop by and we'll tell a couple stor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why do it?

[Brian Bishop]

It wasn't my idea. But I'm going for the brass ring. And here's what I have to do first. 500 tickets sold, by the way, getting a paperback version of my book Bonus, by the way, chapter and autographed. And all you have to do is wait a minute. Ace Wiltern. Hold on. Acewilternmail.com yes, literally the first 500 people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Will get a free. Free paperback.

[Brian Bishop]

Free paperback. Signed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, Adam, that's. That doesn't make sense.

[Brian Bishop]

It sounds like insanity. I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, it's your call.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Thanks, Greg. Greg Fitzsimmons. All right, now we can. I was thinking about something on the way here. I was thinking about. You have what I would call chutzpah. In a good way. You have confidence. In a good way. But I feel like you have. There's a couple of kinds of confidence. There's the kind where your parents just blew smoke up your ass your entire life, and you just think everything is. You know, we've all had those roommates where they just literally take their pile of dishes from their bedroom and pile it on top of the sink and then walk back as if their mom is somehow going to fly in from Philly and take care of this whole thing. And then there's a kind of confidence that's sort of earned. I feel like yours is earned. And I know. Why not agree with that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure, I love that theory.

[Brian Bishop]

But you did grow up in, I don't know, some adversity. Here's what. I guess what I'm asking. The chutzpah, the confidence. Like, hey, here's what you do. Like, a second ago, you're talking to news girl Allison Rosen, and you're going, here's what you do. And also, I think you like giving advice. Yeah, and I like giving advice, too. And why is that? Met nine times out of ten with a fuck you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It depends on the culture you come from. I come from Bronx Irish Catholic stock, where you stand at a bar and you give advice to each other, and then you fight about it and everyone's got an opinion. You love the Mets or you love the Yankees. You're Republican or you're a Democrat. And to me, it's about, I don't care if you agree with me. Just hear my side. That's what a New Yorker does. You present your side, you give your opinion, somebody counters, and you actually learn something sometimes.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting. The learning something part. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a part of you that's actually open to the other person, but they've got to yell it at you or you're not hearing it.

[Brian Bishop]

What happened to our society where every time you say to somebody, hey, look, here's how you're supposed to do this, they go, hey, who died? Made you the king of. And then you go, look, I'm just telling you how you do it. And they go, hey, this is the way I do it. And it's like, at A certain somewhere around five laps. I always end up saying to the person, oftentimes my wife, I didn't invent this to annoy you. And I don't know how it's done either. I just see other people do it this way and I'm thus passing it along to you. That's it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your wife being accepted from this whole theory.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People don't punch each other in the face enough. And I think they use it. I think that if you were to give your opinion to somebody in the past, he'd scream it back at you. Both of you knowing the other guy could punch you in the face at some moment. So even though you're being firm and opinionated, there is that sort of third party in the room, which is the punch in the face.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a. I agree. And there's a lot of like, you know, I find myself saying to people, look, and I don't go, hey, dill weed, shit for brains. What are you, stupid? This is how it's done. I say, you know, the way you're doing it is one way to go, but here's a better way. I found out, and there are people like tugging my sleeve, like, leave Malone. Leave them alone. It's like, what do you mean, leave me alone? The reason I'm a good carpenter is because people said, well, you could put down baseboard and you could go with two 45 degree cuts and do a 90 and slide it in that way. Or you could do a coping cut where you ran one all the way the wall and you made a cut. You did use the coping saw on it. And I watched a guy do it and I went, oh, that is a different way of doing it. And that seems to be even more effective than the way I was doing it. But I wasn't like, hey, dude, get out of my grill, dude. This the way I do it. Hey, dude. And there wasn't a guy standing next to him going, why are you bothering Adam? It's like he was a carpenter. He'd been doing it for 10 years longer than I had. Every thing I learned about carpentry was from another carpenter on a job site. Not reading a manual, not reading a book, not with some guy wearing a shirt that said head carpenter instructor on it. Just another guy on the job site going, you know what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's another way to go. Every craft through the history of time has been learned. You learn from the guy that's been doing long now.

[Brian Bishop]

I why is everyone telling us to fuck off now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because it used to Be like, I will approach comics like, this week, I was working in Tampa, Florida.

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The feature act, Dan Davidson, very funny guy. And I pulled him aside and I said, you know, you could do like. And I go, forgive me. I go, do you mind? I have notes for you, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Because I love that big.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. There's a comic that I think has real potential that's really good. I know I can save that guy a year by talking to him for five minutes. I can say, you know, stop overselling the premise. Stop worrying about your transitions.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get to the joke. Because your jokes are good. And if I can. If he'll listen to that. But I ask first. And then even when I tell comics, they do look at me like, dude, you don't even know how to run Facebook. Because that's what they think. That what being funny is now.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's what it is. In the same way that that kid's mother did everything for him. He didn't have to go out and actually pull together life skills. They were just bestowed upon him. He was right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just. I agree with you. And I'm just curious, what is the automatic sort of knee jerk pushback, the constant push, where you're like, saying, look, here's the way you should. Well, that's not the way. Yeah, but I'm just explaining. Oh, you do it your way. It's like I feel this constant everywhere I go now when I'm explaining to someone, here's. I get this pushback. And I think, well, externalizing, you don't learn shit. Then making me a dick. You don't learn shit. And let's just say for the sake of argument, I am a dick. That still doesn't mean I don't know something that you don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the trouble you get into. I describe you as. Here's the deal. That sums you up right there. Now, that could be putting together a carburetor on a car that you've done it a million times on. You truly have mastered that. Or it could be the kind of glitter that backup dancers use in Las Vegas. You're still gonna do a here's the deal. You're going to be. Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

I would do that, but I would not tell Serge what kind of glitter to use. I would have a take on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, what is your take on that?

[Brian Bishop]

On glitter? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

On the backup dancers.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I. I don't know if I'm supposed to beat off or have another margarita or order some more cheesy Fries. Like I don't need to see dudes looking that hot and that shiny. By the way, shiny used to be a bad thing. It used to be called flop sweat and now you powdered it. Everyone just looks like a bass being hit by flashlight. And I think it's all part of this general sort of. We're losing our ability to focus. So we need things winking at us constantly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I try not to tell people stuff I don't know about. I do have plenty of takes and plenty of complaints.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And by the way, an ancillary on that is the glitter on the cleavage. Was already on board with the cleavage. Eyes were there. You got me. When you cut the triangle shape out of the front of your shirt, you drew me in.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The, the push up bra kept me there.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The fake tan, I was gonna do another lap. Didn't need the glitter rubbed in.

[Brian Bishop]

If you have a law degree or you got a scar, sword fighting, put some glitter on that. That will draw my attention to something. We can talk about the tits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no need now.

[Brian Bishop]

Now. I was already there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, I've got, I've got that. I've got that leg already in my hard drive.

[Brian Bishop]

I would argue I don't have a choice about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but I like when you get dirty look though, when you're, when you're looking at it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you really do. Here's my, here's the creepiest moment as a 44 year old man walking through an airport. 19 year old girl walks by, massive cleavage, right. I look at it. Then she looks at me or doesn't, but then takes her sweater and closes off, pulls the curtain across the scene and it's like, well, why was the scene presented in the first place? And that, that makes me feel creepy that she covered it like so you know it's out there. But when it's noticed, then you cover it, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Well, I think there's a lot of people that are looking to be noticed and not notice simultaneously. There's a version of this. There's a version of this where the guy has the real aggressive piercings but then wants to know what you're staring at when he's selling you a newspaper. There's, there's all that, like, notice me, look at me. Everyone look at me. And then if you get caught looking at me, then I get to pass judgment at you looking at me. I mean, there's chicks walking around now. Sound like the old men up on the balcony over at the Muppets. But the Chicks in the leggings. Now all the chicks are wearing the leggings, which is just. Seriously, I mean, pajama bottom is sort of a lateral move. Actually that's, that's more modest move. This is essentially a micron away from just being them. Like if there's an ingrown hair, you'll spot it on those leggings.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I can find the clitoris.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, that's right. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, with one eye shut, I know you're not going to be yelling at me later that I couldn't find the spot. I can see it from here. I'm 12ft away.

[Brian Bishop]

Weird. Walking through the airport with that on, would you say? Or not? Are you cool?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the airport to me is a place if you're flying las. If you're flying LA to Vegas. We all know, you know, it's 4:00 on a Friday. We know you're punching in around 7:30 tonight, you'll be done 3:00am you're gonna have a lot of singles, right? All outfits go, right? But if you're flying to Cleveland and you're wearing the paint on pants there, then. And here's what I just flew back from Tampa and it's a perfect example. I'm in the window seat. I sit down, I'm tired as hell. And so I don't even notice that the woman next to me is attractive until I get up. I got to go to the bathroom. She gets up. We both walk to the bathroom and I notice because by the way, she's wearing a sweater, you know, dressed properly. And we get to the bathroom and she has taken her sweater off and she's rocking a 34 DD. Her face is beautiful. And all of a sudden. And she's charming. We're waiting to go into the bathroom and so now I've got to rip a deuce bad. I'm cramping up. So I say, why don't you go first?

[Brian Bishop]

Sure, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She says, no, you go first. And I go, no, you go first. And she goes, well, you're in the window seat, so it makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So now I'm like, great. I go in there and all I can do is let some gas out. I urinate to try to free up some space around the bladder. And I know now that there's no way because if I sit down, I'm not coming up for 12 minutes. Then there's not the double bathroom. This is the one between first class and coach. So there's only one. She's waiting she's next.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I. I release as much gas as I can without sharding. I let the. I turn the knob up high on the. On the wind thing. And luckily they got one of those stick deodorant things is up. I get out of there in less than two and a half minutes. So she knows that I didn't squat.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Do you ever put the toilet seat up to cover your tracks?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did exactly that. I left the toilet seat up.

[Brian Bishop]

I will sometimes even when I put the toilet seat down to shit. Will put it back up before I leave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

Because it's a tell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then the woman pulls it down, sits, and it's warm.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well. But when a dude leaves a bathroom and the toilet seat is down, there are three scenarios. A, he shit, which we don't want them to know. Yeah. B, he didn't shit. He took a piss. But the fuck didn't have the decency to put the seat up. He just pissed on the seat. Or just a third scenario, peed off in the sink. I just thought of that. That's it. Either way, seat down, tell leaf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the opposite of that being you do drop a deuce, you own it. I'm gonna leave the seat down now. I'm gonna wash my hands. The bathroom is so small that as you're drying your hands, sprinklets of water land on the seat. Now you, now you're busted for pissing in this.

[Brian Bishop]

And you didn't do that. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've done this. I like to kick my shoes off on the five, six hour flight, naturally. And then when it comes time to make the baton death march down into the header, usually somewhere around hour three or four, I'm ready to get rid of a couple bloody Marys that I've socked away in first or business. And I head down the thing and I'm in my socks. And I never kick my shoes back on normally because I'm drunk and I can't find one of them, but I assume they'll turn up somewhere and you're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gonna get a cramp trying to get it on.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, so I go down and then I walk in that bathroom and I notice there is. It looks like a small island chain and you're flying over it on a recon mission. And now I'm on the ball of one foot with the weight shifted to the outside and the other one I'm standing on the he. Because those are the two dry marks that don't have what could Be pissed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unidentified.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it'd be a nice floor for in there. I'm not quite sure how to work it out, but they do it all the time in restaurants. They have that sort of grate you stand on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Cedar something that's a little bit off the whatever. So that whatever you, you know, whatever you're. I don't care if there's a dude beating off looking at me from down below and the, you know, the luggage thing or whatever, but would be nice to have a little air coming through there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so. And you know, in the toilet I went in this time, not only did I not get to drop the deuce, I so badly needed to drop the toilet seat had like a. It was a bench style. They've got these bench style ones now. And I'm a big fan of the early release on the flight. For years I could, I was, I would get a little anxious on flights. And so as soon as it took off straight into the bathroom, work one out, sit down, fall asleep, it got to, literally, it got to where I would get an erection as the altitude went on. Like it was like a Pavlovian thing with my penis.

[Brian Bishop]

Really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We knew it was time. Into the toilet.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is tough. Also got a line at first because if you don't, it's gonna stick to the side. There's no water in there. You're not, you're not, you're not dropping the load into the water. You're dropping it on a dry. There's air being sucked out of it. So it's hyper dry and you will splatter the side and have to then go in with toilet paper to get it out. So you line it with toilet paper first.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me get this straight. And I'm not, I'm not judging in any way, shape or form, but you, you masturbate before early on, early in the flight, in the flight, on. Now let's just say you're going Burbank to Phoenix trying to figure out your beat off range. Now we're talking about going to Denver.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's probably the under over. And it depends on if it's morning or evening.

[Brian Bishop]

Gambling man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If it's morning, then it's not gonna happen because I probably have a show that night and I like to go in with a full bag. If I'm coming home and it's early morning and I know that I had a show, I wasn't home till 2 in the morning. I got picked up at 5am I need to sleep those Few hours. That's my sleeping pill. I go in and I release and then I go back to my seat and I'm walking down the aisle.

[Brian Bishop]

And when you say your sleeping pill, you mean that that action helps you sleep. You don't actually ingest it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I had not thought that, that, that probably you gotta watch out.

[Brian Bishop]

How you watch the phrasing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So that, so you're saying that. Jesus Christ. And by the way, when women hear guys talk this way, they are fucking disgusted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Disgusted.

[Brian Bishop]

They're disgusted. And it is so weird. It's always good too, when you hear a woman talking about something you've done maybe a baker's dozen times and she's fucking repulsed by it. And you have to join her and being repulsed, like, she'll be, you mean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She'S describing to friends what you've done.

[Brian Bishop]

I had a woman once say, I was driving along and I looked out, looked through my window, I was sitting up high and this guy was like in a sports car and he was masturbating in his car. And then she paused. She's like, what kind of sick mental patient? And it's like, I don't know. I mean, you never know. People have their reasons. I was trying to defend him a little bit because that's, it's something that I should say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're living in the psych ward, sweetheart.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, right. And she's like, yeah, it's disgusting. And then like, I was going, yeah, you didn't get a look at this guy though, did you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, but meanwhile, women will go off to the sex shop and they'll all come home with, with dildos with rabbit ears on them. And they, and it's fun and it's beautiful.

[Brian Bishop]

Never anything in the bathroom of an airplane. Now how do you feel, how do you feel about your, your fellow passengers? Now we, we know that they would all be, they would all, they would all just throw up into that bag that's in the seat in front of them probably if they knew they were using a bathroom after you beat off it. And I've wrapped my mind around this stuff because you travel as much as we do, you fucking throw, you know, you do that move where you're, you know, it's all hell. It's all hell. I'm going, you know, I got a 6:25 flight out of LAX tomorrow. It's, you know, pick up at 5:00am it's like, I'll get to the hotel, it'll be an hour before the gig. I'll throw myself down on the comforter that was put there in 1987. I'll turn on the TV. It'll be the gentleman's whatever. And I'll be lying there in essentially 20 years of some guy, you know, man bad, or, you know, I mean, I. I've. I've come to grips with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I understand CSI busted into the room.

[Brian Bishop]

And they tested that pentagram that would light up like a Christmas tree written in semen on that comforter. And I understand it. I don't like to think about it, but. But I understand it. And God knows what's going on in the bathroom, but I. I try not to think about it, but. Other people are freaked out by that shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They are. But here's what they have to understand. I could care less. I almost like that they might find out. And one of the things is, like, again, the bathroom is so small that I lean forward and I have my hand on the wall and I have my forehead pressed against the wall.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that what happened here, or is that just male pattern baldness?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My hair fell out.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay. I didn't know if it's from that activity.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's like a bit that you're doing. Like, I'm telling you about masturbating in a plane with my head against the wall. You feel you need to put another layer on top of that.

[Brian Bishop]

I like a little mirth worked into this very serious political conversation we're having.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just feel like I'm sitting here telling the most embarrassing thing in the world, and you're like, hold on a second.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stand still. So I'm so. And then I come out of there, and I notice when I look in the window that now I have a square, a red square in the middle of my forehead. And I gotta think to what are the. Is there someone smart enough to see me walking down the aisle and go, that guy was just leaning into one in the bathroom.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. That's interesting, because you can't really stand up. And you have to get the right angle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got to get the right angle because whatever angle your penis is from your stomach, which, by the way, changes as you get older, you know, it's like a sundial. Well, you remember at 18, it's literally due north, right? And they say that an old man, when he gets an erection, it's, like, pointing down.

[Brian Bishop]

Prove it. Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. Well, here's the thing. Basically, everything is being pulled toward the earth. Your earlobes, your ball sack, your eyelids, you know, and why not your cock Even with a boner. The thing. And this is something interesting because it's something I'd like to teach my son, which is, first off, do not get married to the lube. She's a mistress that will bite you in the ass. You'll be up there, you'll get desperate. You'll reach for some hand sanitizer or something. Next you know, your cock's gonna be on fire. So do not get married to the lube. And then secondly, don't get married to one position. Like, I'm gonna do a thing where I train my son where it's gonna be like, you know, Talladega nights. But I'm literally gonna give my 32nd head start with his pants around his ankles beating off, and then I'm gonna unleash a Kodiak bear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it?

[Brian Bishop]

And I'm saying, you better get one off before that bear catches. I'll give you 100 yards, but the bear. Get one off for that bear catch. I want you ninja like. I want you to do it standing up. I want you to do it in the. At 30,000ft. If that plane could be in a fucking nose dive heading into the third tower. And I want one squeezed off. You understand?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get on the ball.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't want that thing where you have to be stretched out. Your toes need to be, you know, pointed toward Mecca, and you need your roommate's T shirt just so, like, I don't. I don't need. Because that's just going to hold you back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's going to hold you back and it's going to ruin your lovemaking. Because unless you can replicate that exact situation, you will. You will have been trained into only being able to orgasm in the most anally retentive. My way. And your way. What you're saying is girls walking home from a bar, it's dark, you're walking behind her, right? Are you gonna be able to run tackle come and get out of there quickly and effectively? Have you thought of writing a children's book?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I did. I did do a sort of Jersey Shore thing, which is run, tackle, come. You know, they have the tan. Let's see what they have. They have the laundry, tan and weight room or something. I have the RTC to run tackle, come. And. That's the words we live by at the Corolla House. Run, tackle, come. Run, tackle, come. And this is, like, right up top, the old man. And that's what we do. No, the position thing, Greg. Now, see, this is. This is two guys who like to Hand out advice even, even over this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shit, no pun intended here.

[Brian Bishop]

But what happens is guys start beating off. I would say, you know, average age, 13 and a half, 14 years, whatever. That's the average age the guy starts beating off. The average age. A guy not loses his virginity, but starts getting it with regularity. Like, you know, hey, I can do it whenever, in any position, whatever is probably on average about four years from that time. Sometimes it doesn't happen until the guy's 19 or 20. Sometimes it happens at 16 or 15. But for the most part, there's a good four years between the time you start at yourself and the time some chick is dumb enough to let you do it. Wherever, whenever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like college?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, like college. And like I said, guys might lose their virginity in high school and blah, blah, blah, but just it's that I moved out of my house, I'm living away from home, I have my own apartment. That kind of. I can do it, you know, I'm not sneaking one away in stepmom's Honda or whatever it is. That period of time can be a good four, five, six years. In that period of time, you will have done it to yourself several hundred thousand times. And if you do it just in one position several hundred thousand times, then when it comes time to get with the chick and all of a sudden you're trying it out in doggy position, your cock's confused.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it is. And you know, even now I think.

[Brian Bishop]

It'S a ball bender.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's, you know, if you. That's one way to mix it up. I think that if you at 44, can't challenge yourself, it's also, it's ongoing. I mean, it's got to start there. You're right. Get your kids thinking creatively early on. There's options, you know, play action, pass. Now when you get to be 44.

[Brian Bishop]

Run the tackle, come. Hold on, I just got to. I'm going to have, by the way, Elvis for everyone in the Memphis mafia. Had that lightning bolt that said taking care of business. Yeah, tcp. Yeah, I'm just gonna have the. A lightning bolt, this RTC on it. Me and my shuttle both wear it around. It'll be our thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just a girl crying with a puddle next to her.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we'll work it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you. I think as a middle aged man, I'm rediscovering that need to get creative with it. And I'm not talking about going and buying a fur glove from one of those shops. I'm just talking about going overhand I'm talking about laying on my stomach, you know, work.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Am I going too deep into this?

[Brian Bishop]

But when you're in the bathroom, and especially when you're in there and you're sort of first in line, so to speak, and you know that everyone else on the flight is now going to use the bathroom, that even if you did a decent enough job mopping up after yourself, you know that if.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Dinner time. It's where little moments are cherished. With Blue cash preferred. Get 6% cash back at US supermarkets and bring everyone together. I did say everyone. Learn [e-mail] Explore bcp terms and cashback cap.

[Brian Bishop]

Apply with blue cash preferred. When who entered that bathroom with the knowledge that Fitzsimmons took care of business in here, would be completely repulsed by some would demand the plane land in Cincinnati and you'd be tossed off. Others would want a refund. Did you say tossed off? Others would want me. I'd just try to get a free drink out of it, you know. Well, look, if I can get a Michelob Ultra, we're cool. But if this sounds morally about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is gonna sound sick. And honestly, that's most of the joy of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Really. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like to know.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you hate your fellow man?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't. I find my fellow man to be too conservative and uptight. And I don't think that orgasms are something we should be ashamed of. It's like literally, without orgasms, we would.

[Brian Bishop]

Sitting in your orgasm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not sitting. Look, I told you. I line it, I flush it. I got a pretty good. I got my forehead pressed against the wall for Correct.

[Brian Bishop]

Most folks, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm not Peter North. Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

I know, but most folks use their sleeve or their foot or a paper towel to open the bathroom door. They're so freaked out about someone else's germs. And that's just urine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You see what I'm saying here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think urine is much dirtier than semen. Semen is actually. It's protein. It's very healthy for you. Urine and feces, you can get real stomach disorders from common. Unless they're opening with their vagina. There's no downside.

[Brian Bishop]

Urine is sterile, by the way. Say, yeah, but still.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but still.

[Brian Bishop]

Perfect. Let's reenact that one more time because it's a perfect. For those of you who want to know how to use my yeah, but still argument, this would be a perfect example of how to do it. You work in the. You work in the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam, semen is completely pure I mean, you know, if you're talking about dirtiness, you can get a stomach virus from urine or fecal matter.

[Brian Bishop]

Urine is sterile.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But still.

[Brian Bishop]

See? Perfect. That was so no beat, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of guys that put beat in there. I like to clip it.

[Brian Bishop]

You jump right on it. Yeah. We'll take a quick break. Back with the formerly great Greg Fitzsimmons. The Adam Carolla show is now Streaming live on Ustream, 8pm Pacific Sunday through Thursday. Interact with other listeners and ACE Broadcasting crew members in the chat room and get exclusive full episodes you can't see or hear anywhere else. And if you can't watch live, the shows are archived for 30 days. Just go to Ustream TV.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Acebroadcasting.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Back with the great Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg's book is out. Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons. It's a great book. I don't know. Did you read it? You wrote a blurb on it. The fact that your mom, I guess, kept all the actual letters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Every time I got in trouble, she would document it, file it away.

[Brian Bishop]

Why?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because we're Irish again. It's funny to them, like, conflict is funny to us as New Yorkers think that that stuff's funny. We don't think that.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

That.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that there'swe don't see the system as good. You know, people that play by the rules and make a lot of money and move to the suburbs and have two and a half kids, that's kind of boring to our family. And so I think that they think if you're not following the system, you'll probably turn out okay.

[Brian Bishop]

You can see him do the live podcast at Caroline's in New York. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was inspired by you, Adam, when you were at Caroline's doing your podcast. Last time, I was fortunate enough to be in town doing the David Letterman program.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, you were. I wasn't doing my podcast. I was just tired.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you were just fucking around.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you brought me on stage and. But I know. I know a lot of people do these live podcasts, and I've never done one. And so I said, I'm gonna try this. And so I've got some big names coming up, and I'm gonna announce them next week that are gonna be at most of the shows.

[Brian Bishop]

That'll be Caroline's April 14th through 17th.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me how that goes, because I think we're gonna do that at Caroline's as well. Fitz Dog Radio, available on itunes. Ah, Sledgehammer. Thanks to our good partners over at Sledgehammer Wine. They make a lovely wine. They like drinking wine, not talking about it. It's a man's wine. It's robust. I drink it on a nightly basis. I am semi proud to say, big and bold. And it's the kind of thing a man can drink with confidence. It's no sippy wine. The bottle itself is 20 pounds of glass. It's insane. Yeah, it's just a good, strong, solid wine. And you can check out sledgehammerwine.com and follow them on Facebook. And also for a limited time only, get a discount and free shipping. And again, that's a big thing because the bottle is a metric ton. Limited time only. You get a discount and free shipping. Go to sledgehammerwine.com and use the promo code Ace. These guys are good. They make a nice, reasonably priced bottle of wine. I. I shit you not. I drink it on a nightly basis. It's solid stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I ask you a question? Just you're talking about wine.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not a douche that gets the. Pour me a sip. And while I stare at it and people at the other tables are trying.

[Brian Bishop]

To flag down the waiter, let me tell you what kind of how unwind douchey I am. First off, I invented something called Mangria. And this is a lot of, like, what you'd left on the southwest flight on the toilet seat. Yeah, I will. Sometimes when I'm just down to my last little sippy cup of wine, like at the bottom of the bottle, I'll pour it in the glass and I'll just fill up a quarter of the glass and I'll go, well, fuck that. I can't catch a buzz off that. And I'll go grab some vodka or anything else and just dump it in there and it sort of turns this sort of pale red. And whatever it is, I'm catching a buzz. Like, you're not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not worried about losing the high end of the wine?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I don't care if it's got legs. I just want my legs to wobble when I'm walking up to the bedroom at night. And last night I didn't. I was out of Sledgehammer and we have it here at the shop. And I don't know if the sledge folks are going to want to hear this or not, but I'll tell you the truth. I had another bottle of Pinot noir and Sledgehammer, I don't think makes a Pinot Noir. And I had a little bit at the bottom of a, you know, Bottle that I had from two days earlier and I dumped it in there, But I happened to bring home some sledgehammer. And I was standing at the kitchen and I had a glass that had an inch of other wine at it, and now a new bottle of sledgehammer. And I just opened it up and just po on top. Fuck it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're not gonna be happy about that, the sledgehammer people.

[Brian Bishop]

It's good for what ails you. What can I say? And I'm not a snob. And the rest of it was all sledgehammer, But I ain't a snob. And by the way, to me, wine is for two things. It's to not taste bad and to catch a buzz. I don't have to be wisp away from some exotic locale. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I don't drink anymore, but it seems like the thing I miss is that a good bottle of wine with the right entree can enhance the entree. Correct?

[Brian Bishop]

That is correct. But I ain't eating at night. I'm just drinking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're just drinking?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just drinking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about the guy at the restaurant who does that? Is there ever like an excuse to do that because say you didn't like it. Are you really gonna send it back? And then what are they gonna do with that bottle? Does that become the house wine even though we've now proven it's shit?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's interesting. And I would never send it back. I don't sniff the cork. My. My biggest fear is that I'm not doing something I should be doing. I should be swirling it around or looking. I mean, no one knows. No one can tell a thing. I went on a wine. We did a wine tasting thing we went to when we were in Napa. We went to the sledgehammer, went to their cousin's wine farm, let's put it Wine farm vineyard. And we went and tasted some really high end stuff. And I noticed that some of it was in oak barrels and then some of it was in stainless steel barrels. Here's the other thing too. Find a picture of that. It's one of these things that was. It is funny, but here's the conversations I find myself having throughout my life. We're walking through this warehouse that has oak barrels and stainless steel barrels, 55 gallon barrels, barrels up to the rafters. And the only thing, as a former builder, I'm sort of looking at these things and there's a picture. And by the way, you're looking at 14ft. But it just keeps going. It goes another 30ft up in the air. And we'll find a couple pictures. And you see all those barrels, they're not strapped down, they're not tied down. There's nothing going on. It's literally just gravity keeping them in place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It looks like Building 4 in Japan.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. And then another. You just lost the Affleck gig. Another, like, sort of grate goes on top, and then more barrels. And it's like. It's almost like Legos that don't snap together. If Legos did not snap together. If you look off to the background, the back of those vats, it goes up 10 barrels high and as far as the eye can see. And I say, at a certain point, I say, what's holding those barrels in place? And the guy says, really? It's just weight and gravity. And I said, hmm, we're right along the San Andreas fault, are we not? And he said, sure are. Right in the middle earthquake country. And I said, is anyone ever thought about, you know, strapping down the barrels in case there was an earthquake? Seems like you'd have quite a disaster. And he said, as a matter of fact, in 94, down at the Tustin Vineyard, just down the way there. Yeah. That they took out. Oh, I think it was over 5,500 barrels. It was a. It was a complete disaster. That's almost $10 million worth of product. And then I do the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's how much these straps cost again.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I'm talking about. Someone make a Home Depot run and grab a couple of bungee cords. And the guy's just like, yeah, anyway, over here, this is where the wine. This is where the fermentation product. And I'm going, hold on. I'm not done with the part about strapping these fucking barrels down. And it is an interesting part of life where the guy looks at me, he goes, yes, we're in earthquake country. Yes. Oh, funny you bring this up, because this exact scenario happened at another vineyard, and they lost millions of dollars in money with barrels just broken open and strewn about. Plus, you'd be crushed if you're standing anywhere near one of those. But moving on with the tour. And I thought, now, I know at the point, if my wife were with me, she would tug on my sleeve and say, stop being an asshole. I don't think that makes me an asshole. I'm trying to save them. 200,000 barrels.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long did it take us in between countless tons and tons of crude oil spilling into the Gulf until moratorium Over. Get back to it. Nothing changed, no specs different.

[Brian Bishop]

Even a double hulled tanker took, you know, good 50 years of dumping oil in there before someone said, maybe put a second hole in there so it doesn't all spill out. Yeah, it is insane. Oh. So while we were doing this wine testing and tasting and I can't tell shit, and I told the guy, I said, here's what you should do. He takes his little goblet. It's not a goblet beaker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this the Hobbit tour?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So he takes his beaker thing and he drops it. He pulls out the bung hole, the cork and the bung hole. It's always good for a snicker from the crowd. He drops it in there and he puts his thumb over it and he gives you a little sample. And he kind of goes down the hall a little bit. He kind of goes in between the barrels. He goes, let me give you some of the tape. And he gives you the oak one. And you swirl it around. He says, you see, it's fruity, it's a little nutty. You can taste a little. The oak. You can taste the oak characteristics in it. And it's a little bit of a charcoaly flavor in it. That's from the oak that's coming. It comes out a little sugary flavor from the oak. And everyone just stands there and nods their head and goes, yeah, yeah, this is the guy. Everyone just nods their head and it goes. He goes, now. And this is what I'd do if I were him. Now let me give you a taste from the stainless steel one so you can tell the difference. And then I'd walk down the same thing and I'd come back again. I'd go, they see it's a little tinnier and there's a little metallic flavor to it. And they'd go, oh, absolute. With notes of whatever. And they go. And then I'd stop in the middle. I'd go, pull it from the same oak barrel. Now that you guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Assholes. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Because it would work every fucking time. Everyone would just nod.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's. I mean, that's the thing about Americans. And I would say everyone around the world, we collect things like, I know wine, I know cigars, I know, you know, I get a certain magazine, you know, Gentleman's Quarterly magazine. I live in the suburbs. There's like a collection of things you don't need to know, but you learn them so that you can be a part of what's considered a higher group up than the other group, you know, if you're a wino, you know, you may. You may only learn what's a good corner to beg on to get the wine, but you know that information, right? Then you. Then you become a higher level alcoholic. Then you start to learn a bar that serves good happy hour drinks, right? Now you step up again. And now you're standing between barrels that are made of steel and made out of oak.

[Brian Bishop]

All you have to know is 10% more than anyone else in the room or even 1% more than anyone else in the room. And you get to be the expert to your dill weed. Let's take a call. Just to say. Just to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, it's funny though, just. Just before you get into this golf, this conversation started with us complaining about people not being able to hear people that are experts tell them about something.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I gotta find a mirror so you can beat off on it. Hey, Jake. What's going on? Jake? Hey, man. I listened to copious amounts of old Loveline episodes and I found myself addicted to opiates and alcohol. And it was you and Dr. Drew constantly telling people to go to NA and AA that finally got me clean. And I'm coming up on six months on this coming Monday. And I just wanted to call and say thanks, man. Well, thank you. And I'll give Drew credit for that. That is his arena.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sledgehammer's not gonna be too happy about that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Lost another customer. Hey, it was pain pills you're hooked on, not delicious red wine. Jake. Congratulations, buddy. Thank you. And if you're gonna get sober, you know, that's a good thing, which is do it early on, you know, don't do it in your early 50s. Don't be a fucking mess. And don't end up like Rip Torn or one of these guys that just care. Mel Gibson or something. Just go sick early and often. Do it like Bobcat Goldthwaite. Where, like on his 14th birthday, he got. He got a chip.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've had a drink since 24 years old there.

[Brian Bishop]

That's 20 years. But you have to go so ape shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I started at 12, went crazy from 12 to 24. You read the book?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's all over. Chapter about drinking there in that thing. What's the name of it? One more? No, I did. I loved it. I was on a plane. Speaking of books. Hey, Brad.

[David Koechner]

Hey.

[Brian Bishop]

You got a question? Yeah, good question. How you doing? Good. What's up? Good. I've read two books in my life, one of them is yours. I Love it. Heard you have a new. I was wondering how different the next book's gonna be. Well, the next book is gonna be a compilation of stories, which I feel is sort of being lazy, but evidently that's what people like. I have tons of stories, and my first book was a couple of stories, but mixed in with sort of jokes. And I felt. I don't. Greg, you tell me how you feel about this. I always feel like, as a comedian, I should be earning it a little bit. Like, if you're writing a book, come on, write something funny. Get something together. Put a list together. Do something. Come up with an idea. Have something quotable. And then you see these other people's books, like Chelsea Handler's book or whoever, and it's just them telling drunken stories, essentially, and everyone just eats it up with a fork and spoon. And so my editor said, you know, your next book, you have all these great stories. Let's just tell stories. And I'm like, all right, I got a bunch of great stories, and they're entertaining, but they're true. Like, they happened. I don't feel like I wrote them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think, to me, those are like. My book is. It's a collect. Here's how I started. What are my best stories? Wrote them down. And then I looked at it, and I said, all right, how can this tell a story? How can these stories tell a bigger story? And then you find the connective tissue, and it will naturally, these are true stories. There is an. You know, your life has an arc to it, and these stories are each snapshots of you at different points in your life. So if you bring in somebody who's an experienced writer who can give you structure and can say, well, how about we put this story here? And, you know, do you remember anything here that can connect these two? Then you've got both. You know, you've got a narrative, and you've also got the killer stories that you know are gonna work.

[Brian Bishop]

I guess the. The answer is stories, but I'll be putting in my two cents as well. The podcast, by the way, is Fitz Dog over at Caroline's in New York, and that'll be April 14th through the 17th. Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, the book still out as we speak, and like I said, if you're gonna get it on Amazon, go to AdamCarolla.com and click through Amazon. And that way we'll get a nickel from every one of these bad boys he sells. Also, the podcast Fitz Dog Radio, available at itunes. You can Twitter Greg at Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm sorry, Greg FitzShow. Pardon, wa. So until next time, the sound of Kroll for Greg Fitzim Simmons saying mahalo.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was ACS 536 with Greg Fitzsimmons. A great grapefruit Simmons, the most frequent non regular guest on the show. He never had a weekly segment. He just has the most appearances. That's our boy. Grapefruit. Come next we have Adam Curlishow, 554. David Koechner, Larry Miller, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. 2011 subsidies. Gloria. Hope you guys enjoy. Check it out.

[Brian Bishop]

Good to see you, Bald Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with Charles Manson.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, good to see Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Brian Bishop]

And of course Larry Miller.

[David Koechner]

Pal, Good to see you. I have to say I've used proflowers many times. It's no baloney. It's a good emergency husband thing. Yes, it's very good emergency road stuff. Wait a minute, I forgot. You call them up from the hotel room and they. They're always going to get there. And all I know is good emergency flowers.

[Brian Bishop]

And I like your look today, Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks like summer whites.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't tell if he's in the distribution or manufacturing of cigars, but he does something with cigars merchant. He does something with the cigars.

[David Koechner]

I'm the, I'm the fellow who comes to the old guy whose family used to own the cigar farm and just says, this is not arth.

[Brian Bishop]

Larry Miller is going to hang out with us and then Dave Koechner is going to come in here. I got a little complaining to do. I hope you're all sitting down before we hop to the news. I've been saying this for a long time and I wish there would be some sort of groundswell of support for me in this cause. But actually the reason no one gets behind me in this cause is part of the problem, which is I have been saying the LAPD and for that matter Burbank PD and Glendale PD has not been really serving its public well for about the last 10 or 20 years, as a matter of fact, to protect and to serve. But they're really just gouging. And to be quite honest, the LAPD are mostly dicks. Like the guys are assholes. And they have fostered some environment and we have fostered an environment where law abiding tax citizens, the folks that pay their wages are very.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't pay taxes.

[Brian Bishop]

Scared to go up and talk to them and you know, they can tell you to hit the fucking bricks and you just walk away sort of Frightened. Oh, I know you shouldn't have talked to that guy. And I just thought LA is definitely one of those towns where we're scared of the cops. And I've been the only one who said for the last 10 years those fucking guys work for us. They're dopey dudes who were dumb guys from your high school football team who now have a fucking badge. We pay their fucking salaries. And listen, if you're a gang banger or you're a homeless guy or a dad who's not paying his child support, fine. But if you're just a citizen, how about you back off a little bit? How about you dial in the assholeitude like 50% for the people that are driving the Volvos, who have the questions, who have a load of groceries in the back seat and a couple of child seats, you know what I mean? I was driving out of here on Saturday.

[Allison Rosen]

You're wearing an LAPD hat.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I am? It's ironic. I got me out of a ticket once in Van Nuys. By the way, remind me to tell that story. No, I don't want to get the shit kicked out of me going home. But we did a basic cable commentary. We did Fast and Furious, that'll be out soon. Just saw Fast five with Bill Simmons. Much to talk about with that. Sorry I'm late. Was leaving Here Saturday about 4 or 5 in the afternoon and was just driving down the street and there was, I hope you're sitting down, Burbank PD Just guy standing out in the middle of the street holding the radar gun just straight down a long straightaway. The kind of thing where, where someone could go 44, 45 miles an hour, completely safe, no intersections or anything. Just standing in the middle of the street next to his cop bike. Again, we always do that thing where we go, we don't have enough cops, we don't have enough law. Really? You have enough to fucking have that pussy stand out in the street with his radar gun all fucking weekend. But that guy's just standing out in the street and he's just standing there holding his gun out and he's just having a little ticket riding party. He's not gonna get on his bike and chase anyone. He's standing out in the street and when he gets you, he'll just wave you over. They realize it's faster. Instead of chasing you around and pulling you over, I'll just stand there, wave you to the side, write you a ticket, there's 300 bucks. And then here comes the next sucker taxpayer. These Guys aren't trying to stop any crime unless you call going six miles an hour over the fucking posted speed limit. And a car. But by the way, that is a speed limit that's 45 years old. And cars that are safe to do it now. But the point is this, that's what he does. Then I get home. I know you tried to breathe, stop it. I got home and I went out and it was, that's about 4:00 and about 5:30 or 6:00, there was a police helicopter that was circling. If it wasn't directly over my house, it was almost directly over my. Kept flying over my house and circling. And then at some point, the guy got on the fucking blower and was like, just step out of the house, come out of the house, put your hands up, come out of the house. And it's just me, my wife and my kids. I'm looking through the window and I'm thinking there's some guy gonna come hopping over my fence with a sawed off shotgun or what the fuck is going on? On, it's clear, it's a house or two away, but the helicopter's buzzing over there. 15 minutes, this goes on. And turning on the news, turning on the computer, trying to figure out what's going on. We have like a hostage standoff. The guy's literally on the blower on the helicopter, yelling at the guy to get out of the house. The hell's going on up here? Finally, helicopter sails away, and about 15 minutes later, we decide, all right, well, it seems to have cleared up. Head out to dinner, pack up the kids, get in the car, drive down the street. And there's two LAPD cruisers sitting there. And my wife says, pull over. Let's ask him what's going on. I mean, this is a potential, I don't know, homicide, whatever, hostage situation right in the middle of our neighborhood. I say, because I know the lapd. Oh, fuck it, I'm not gonna talk to these ass wipes. And she goes, no, come on. And I just drive right past them. And she says, she says, seriously, we got kids up here who knows what's going on around here. Let's ask these guys what's going on. We're driving a brand new, you know, expensive four door sedan. My wife's dressed nicely, the kids are buckled up in the back seat. I go, all right, you know, I don't, okay, fine. I hook a left, I turn back around, I go back up the hill. We circle back around, we stop, my wife and her roll the window down, my wife, in her nicest voice says, you know, excuse me, we saw the helicopter and heard the helicopter. Can you tell me what's happening up here? And the guy just looks at her and he goes, nothing. And then he just stares at it for a couple beats. And we drove downhill. And I go, I hope you've learned your lesson. Never attempt to talk to one of these. And my thing is like, fuck you, lapd. Fuck you, dickhead. I mean, maybe there's some domestic whatever. Maybe it's something personal. But how about a yes, ma'am? I mean, clearly we live up there. Clearly, we're not fugitives. We pay our taxes. How about a. You know, man, we had a little thing. Nothing to worry about. Just nothing. Basically, beat it, honey. And I just thought, LAPD has got to be the only fucking PD that feels like we have fostered some kind of fucked up environment where they think it's like you have. If you had an assistant. And every time you showed up back at the house, he had his feet on your desk. And maybe he was like. And you're like, brad, do you think you could go out to my car and get some. Hey, listen, I just fucked your wife and I'm in the refractory period. So do you mind? And by the way, you're blocking the TV set. Lakers are on. And you're like, I do pay your side. We got it, old man. Clear out of the way, like, listen, dicks, we pay for you. And we're not the fucking criminals. How about you drop the attitude? Like, here's the whole thing. You can put protect and serve on the side of your fucking cruiser. Why don't we put on our side of our cars? Just shot a loogie out of my mouth. Why don't we put on the side of our cars. Drop the fucking attitude. Lapd, drop your fucking attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[David Koechner]

First of all, you live in a terrible neighborhood.

[Brian Bishop]

I know.

[David Koechner]

And I thought it was ni. I thought, you know, you're doing well. Move, get a nicer place so that they're not circling right above your house.

[Brian Bishop]

The following evening. The following evening, 24 hours later, there's now another helicopter and fire trucks parked out outside. Helicopter buzzing over this time. Fire helicopter. Call the fire department closest to us. No, nobody picks up the phone. Call the Hollywood PD and get the super cunty dudes. Like, man, there's nothing on my screen. So by the way, get the guy picks up the phone and tells my wife to sort of fuck off. We like, hung up the Phone. My wife was almost crying. She was just livid. She's like, why is that guy being a dick? So the point is, we had two encounters in 24 hours where both guys were professional dicks. And all I'm saying is we live in Los Angeles, we have gang bangers, but we also have citizens. And those citizens pay tons in fucking taxes. How about they just fucking. We're not the enemy. We're not part of the problem. And you ass wives make $47,000 a year and then cruise around and bust our fucking chops for a living and just essentially hold us up upside down and shake us till fucking money falls out. How about you knock it off? And it was, what's the mayor doing? What's the police chief doing? I know you beefed up security at Dodger Stadium. How about you fucking tell your guys to fucking not take their asshole pills when they go out on the street? And again, don't look at everyone who speaks to you as the enemy.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what do you think it is? Is it just that they carry a gun and they have power and it has turned them into entitled meatheads?

[Brian Bishop]

No, excuse me, they're entitled meatheads to begin with.

[David Koechner]

Yes, Alison, I carry a gun. I have power.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[David Koechner]

I am not someone who feels entitled. But watch it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I can't take you seriously when you just strolled in from Party Lady.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's what it is. Everyone has dubbed these guys heroes so no one says anything. The mayor and the city council and everything. They never do anything. They never say anything. These guys are dicks. They're packing a gun, they're dressed in black, they're all fucking yoked out. And we just as citizens are scared. And every. And it's the fault of every pussy who's on the fucking air in LA never says a goddamn word about it. I've been on the air for 15 years. I'm the only fucking guy who says anything about it. I've been on a thousand radio shows, done a thousand morning shows. I've sat next to a thousand guys and they're all such fucking ass licking, boot looking pussies that they never want to say a word because they're scared.

[Adam Carolla]

Of sending a different message.

[Brian Bishop]

I know I got out of a ticket. Fuck you, Van Nuys pd. The point is this. They're scared of the cops. We should fucking do a candlelight thing where we get the fucking candles. You know the thing where they put the candles through the paper plate? Never a good sign. And you know that thing where they claim where? We claim our streets back where they do.

[Adam Carolla]

We need to cleanse the streets of the pd.

[Brian Bishop]

We need to claim our streets back from the cops, not from the fucking gang bangers.

[Adam Carolla]

Take back the night.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we give it to the gang bangers? What do we do with it once we seize it?

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody needs to fucking call these guys like they need to do. By the way. It's endemic. Go to lax, see all the ass wipes who work over there, see how many. Thank you, come again, Enjoy your flight. Thank you. Think about la. And when it comes to security, let's put it this way, all the guys who work at the parking garages are dickhead assholes. All the security guys are ass wipes. All the guys who work at LAX are assholes. All the cops are assholes. This whole thing, it's endemic. We have this whole thing. You travel around, go to fucking Denver, there'll be some dude with salt and pepper in his mustache. Oh, hi, how you doing? Where you heading? Awesome, thank you, come again. Fly again, you go to la, it's just fucking stink eye.

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to find a pocket of pleasantness in la, you have to come to this podcast.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm. It's the only hot pocket of pleasantness there is.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're totally right, because when I'm driving down the street and I see a cop, I feel nervous and I'm never doing anything wrong.

[Brian Bishop]

You're a Jew, why should you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but I'm saying that's the whole thing too. I'm driving around, it's not like I'm driving around and I don't have a fucking pistol stuffed into my underpants. I'm not high on trucker speed. I don't have a hooker in the trunk, my tabs aren't expired, I'm not drunk. Sometimes I.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds boring.

[Brian Bishop]

The point is, I do that same thing too. I have license, registration, pay a ton of taxes, I'm all fucking taken care of. And I'm like, oh, fuck, there's a cop behind me. Oh, shit. Okay, turn the radio down, turn the radio down. Don't do anything stupid. Signal with your arm. No, too obvious. Fan back in. Oh, shit. You know what I mean? Like why we're not doing anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever signal with your arm, though?

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's a tail, It's a tip. I'm just saying, the Lax security, mostly. 90% assholes. Yeah, parking people, assholes all. You know, basically rent a cops, mall cops, security guys, concert guys, assholes, lapd. Assholes. Burbank PD assholes. Glendale, Petey assholes.

[Adam Carolla]

Mall security assholes.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, Glendale and Burbank are certified of. Actually, they're not assholes. They're actually, like rapists who tell you how beautiful you look while they're raping you, which is. They're not assholes. They're just rapists. They essentially just steal money. Actually, somebody said to Glendale and the Burbank PD put a carnation in there and be nice, because we're fleecing everyone who lives here for as much money as we can.

[Adam Carolla]

I would appreciate that. Yeah, I would be slow to realize what happened. I'd be like, oh, fuck, I just got raped.

[Brian Bishop]

So something. There's something going on. There's something in the water in LA that is different than other cities. Go to fucking New Orleans, you don't get that. Go to Denver, you don't get that. Go to other major cities. No, I was driving in New Orleans. It's the. It's like the craziest. It's how I knew it's. By the way. It's like how you know when you're an abusive relationship? Like when you go to someone else's house and the guy says to the girl, hey, get me a cup of coffee. And she goes, get your own coffee. And you go, oh, shit, he's gonna kill you. And they go, he'll get his own coffee. And you go, oh, my. Go. And then you realize I'm in an abusive relationship. Jimmy and I were going on a tour through New Orleans about 10 years ago. We're in a van, and we're just. It was 35, and we're driving 46. The van driver's just colorful guy talking, pointing out, you know, where all the ghosts and tombs are. And, you know, there's where Harry Connick Jr. Lost his virginity. And I see a cop car ahead of us. Because that's how I drive in la. I don't drive to avoid other motorists. I drive to avoid cops. I look in the rear view when I'm going down the freeway just looking for cops. And so we're coming up on a cop car, and I start to panic. Cop car, cop car, cop car. And the guy's like, yeah. And then anyway, there's where Harry Connick Sr. Lost his virginity. And I'm like, cop, cop, cop, cop, cop. And we actually blow past the cop. And I say, he just blew past the cop. And he said, this guy's got bigger fish to fry than me. And he just drove off, like, smiling. And I Thought, would that ever happen in LA? You're blowing past the cop. An LA cop can go down the freeway at 51 and no one will fucking pass him. It'll just be a big log jam rolling down the fucking freeway because no one has the balls to do it. We're not criminals. Why should we be treated that way?

[David Koechner]

New Orleans is such a cool place, though, especially with the cops. I was on something with Tom Arnold and Dennis Quaid, a movie called Undercover Blue, and they know it. They have cops on the set every day. But they always. Every day they would just be. They'd come up, they say, where you boys going tonight?

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[David Koechner]

And. Well, I hadn't. Ah, you know what? I pick you up, I'll take. Take you out.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[David Koechner]

We thought we.

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[David Koechner]

The place. No, they don't got nothing good there, right? You know what? I'll take. We'll take you. You get you a good drank. You want a good drank, right? And take you to a good place. And it was always his brother's place.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, so say hi.

[David Koechner]

Yeah, yeah, we take you in there. But so he gets something from that. It's sort of like a convenient.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. System night. They have Chinese cops in New Orleans. No, no, it was good crap.

[David Koechner]

By the way, that was the. That was the president of Citicorp in New Orleans.

[Brian Bishop]

They all.

[David Koechner]

They're so cool.

[Brian Bishop]

I gotta tell you. Like, you film something in LA and the LAPD walks up to you on the sidewalk and they're like, where's your, you know, where's your permit? Where's your. Shut it down. Put that camera down. Pack it up. What's your name? I need some ice. You go to New York? We were filming a bit in front of Madison Square Garden. I used to do this bit called, what the hell are you doing here? And it was like, Liza Minnelli is in town. And I would just stand in front of the venue and every time a dude walked up, I'd just go, what the hell? What happened? What's going on? I did it out the Forum for Cher when I was. It was in the parking lot, though. But when we do Madison Square Garden, I was just standing out in the parking lot and at some point the guy with the big bushy mustache, you know, New York guy looked like he's from the 70s. Cop just sort of walked up and he went, what's going on here? Because we had cameras and lights were dying. We were like, ah, we're just shooting a bit for man show. And he's like, yeah, all Right. Don't fuck it up. And he, like, walked away. It was like, he doesn't. He knows. Because we're not criminals. You know what I mean? Like, LAPD would have been knock it down. Shut it down. No way. Where's your permit? Get the fuck out of here. What are your names? You know what I'm saying? License, ID, what have you. I'm just saying. LA. What the fuck happened? What happened to the laid back California? How come the, you know, let your freak flag fly, laid back la, SoCal, Venice beach thing? Why do we have Gestapo for cops? And then why we all fucking scared shitless of them.

[Adam Carolla]

When were people letting their freak flag fly?

[Brian Bishop]

It was like that whole. Didn't you see the movie the Doors?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I did.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that's my point.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying there were Wiccans.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's take the streets back.

[Allison Rosen]

I like to think the cop is offering some artistic advice. So when you're doing your business, don't it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, Right? And all I. All I want. All I'm saying is, is drop the attitude ass, wives. We pay your salaries.

[David Koechner]

Wait a minute. Maybe that cop was coming to see Cher.

[Brian Bishop]

He may have just been dressed as a cop with a bushy mustache. You know, come to think of it, he was wearing no shirt under that vest.

[David Koechner]

It was with the Village People. That wasn't a cop.

[Brian Bishop]

Gun was made of soap.

[David Koechner]

Did you notice he was standing next to an Indian chief?

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, I thought he was his actual chief. He said chief. No, wait.

[Allison Rosen]

That wasn't a construction worker behind him?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No.

[David Koechner]

What's wrong with you?

[Brian Bishop]

It was a hot night and he had a shirt undone to his navel with them.

[David Koechner]

It's always a hot night.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't you understand? Larry's right. All right, we'll do the news in one second. I want to tell people we're going to be at the Universal CityWalk tomorrow night. Wednesday night. Greg Fitzsimmons, everyone, for the live podcast, Pabst Theater, Milwaukee, that's coming up on Friday. Saturday coming up on Kansas City. So Uptown Theater on Saturday and Pabst Theater, Milwaukee on Friday. And of course, let's not forget Schnitz Schnitzer concert hall, Portland, May 14. And then the big show will turn out here with Jimmy Kimmel on the 21st. All right, so I've always wanted to go by the.

[David Koechner]

See the Wiltern, by the way. Where is it?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, well, it's right off of Bundy and 14. No, Wilshire and Western.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't they call it Bunting?

[Brian Bishop]

Wilshire and Western, everybody. All right, and, and again, one other quick piece of thanks for everyone. You know, we've been asking people to go to Amazon, and if you're going to go to Amazon to go to AdamCarolla.com and just sort of click through and then we get like a nickel off everything you buy. It's been a wild success for us. Us. It's been fantastic. The response has been great. So thank you. Thank you. And keep it going. It's win, win. We get a little something. You get whatever you were going to get anyway. You just stop by AdamCroll.com first and click right through. And we do appreciate it. Bags of nickels everywhere, knocked off every day. All right, you ready to do some news?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so ready.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison Rosen with the news, live from the International News center, next to Donnie's mini. This is the News with Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Trump and De Niro got into a war of words over the weekend.

[Brian Bishop]

Words or grunts? I don't feel like De Niro could really answer with anything more than a grunt. Maybe a backhand.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you might find it surprising that you are on the same side as Trump then, because he also had a similar assessment of De Niro. So at the Tribeca Film Festival, De Niro weighed in on the prospect of a Trump 2012 campaign. In a live interview with NBC News anchor Brian Williams, he said, I won't mention names, but there are certain people in the news the last couple of weeks, what they're doing is crazy. They're making statements about people that they don't even back up. Go get the facts before you start saying things about people.

[Brian Bishop]

And then that was De Niro.

[Adam Carolla]

That was De Niro. And then Williams was saying, are you, you know, try to, to figure out.

[Brian Bishop]

I heard that interview was very awkward.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We'll try to pin him down to see if he was talking about Trump. And then he said, yes. And he said, it's like a big hustle. It's like being a car salesman. Don't go out there. Don't go out there meaning don't, you know, proclaim to run for president if you're not really going to. Don't go out there and say things unless you can back them up. We're also talking about, you know, Obama and the birth certificate. How dare you? That's awful to do, to just go out and speak and say these terrible things. Unless you want to get over and get the job. It's crazy.

[Brian Bishop]

De Niro does love the hot chocolate. Mm. It's One thing I know about Bobby D, he likes the hot chocolate.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know what you're referring to.

[Brian Bishop]

But you don't know what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[David Koechner]

By the way, more important than that.

[Brian Bishop]

Why do you keep saying it's true?

[David Koechner]

What do you keep saying? De Niro.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you say it? Larry Miller.

[David Koechner]

Now my head is all messed up.

[Brian Bishop]

You just have to say fast. De Niro. Yeah.

[David Koechner]

De Niro.

[Adam Carolla]

What am I saying?

[David Koechner]

Can we play the tape back?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, geez.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't get in her head. He likes the hot chocolate.

[Adam Carolla]

He just. Dinero dinnero. Bobby. Anyway, though, so Trump then came out and was on Fox and Friends and had some choice words for rd.

[Brian Bishop]

Trump likes the Swiss Miss. Know what I'm saying? Meanwhile, here in New York City over the weekend, they've been having the Tribeca Film Festival. The guy who started, Robert De Niro.

[David Koechner]

It sounded like he was.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I call you out. He said a couple of days ago, De Niro, I won't mention names, but certain people in the news in the last couple of weeks, just what are they doing? It's crazy. They're making statements about people that they don't even back up. Go get the facts before you start saying things about people. And apparently later, he did reveal that he was, in part talking about you. What do you say about that issue? Yeah, well, he's not the brightest bulb on the planet.

[David Koechner]

I mean, I've been watching him over the years, and I like his acting. But, you know, in terms of. In terms of when I watch him doing interviews and various other things, we're not dealing with Albert Einstein. And, you know, he can say what he wants, but the fact is that this guy has not revealed his birth certificate.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of people agree with me. I tell you what, with all of.

[David Koechner]

That I do, what I do best is China, jobs, opec, all of this.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I do best.

[David Koechner]

That's going to be my strength. It is my strength. I really understand that.

[Brian Bishop]

I know the people. But with all of that, I think.

[David Koechner]

I get more positive when I'm walking down the street. When I did recently, I did a tea party event and we had a tremendous crowd. They love this issue. There are so many people that really want him to provide his birth certificate. I mean, now you have states going out and saying, in order to run for office, office, you have to be able to provide a birth certificate. There's a big lot of things going on with respect to the birth certificate.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, why did he Spend.

[David Koechner]

Why is he spending millions of dollars to fight this issue instead of just providing his birth certificate? There are so many different elements here.

[Brian Bishop]

I love it when the news guys want to wrap it up. Okay. There you go. I got you. We'll do. Okay, Will do. All right. It's like Dr. Drew on the phone with his wife when we're in the back of the town car. Will do. Will do. Will there. Okay. There's nothing worse because when the guy's on the phone, he can't pick up the body language. They'll always. The first will be shuffle couple papers. Okay. Will do.

[David Koechner]

I was just gonna say with body language, though. Even people like that don't respond. Anyway, as you try to.

[Allison Rosen]

I got.

[David Koechner]

Start to raise a finger as you try to start.

[Allison Rosen]

You got it.

[David Koechner]

All right, then. Anything at all? Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

It's. It is loud. Talking to one of your friends. Nutty wives. When she said three glasses of white wine. You know that thing where she can see her and you're just like, ah.

[David Koechner]

Sweetie, in the 80s, every so often there'd be a friend, like, who had a. Who was. Had a Coke wrap people. When people were high on coke, they would just start speaking. You could go. You could leave and repaper the bathroom. You could do anything you want.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[David Koechner]

Come back and the guy would still be sitting. Then when I got out of school.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I played in a band.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

We should get the band back together.

[David Koechner]

Not a garage band. Although garages are great.

[Brian Bishop]

Go ahead and say Charlie Callis. By the way, we know. We know who you're talking about.

[David Koechner]

I won't say his name, but I will do this.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, But I've said this a million times about Bob D. Niro. Sorry. I know he's a dumb guy who's a savant as an actor. And we do this all the time. And no one thinks LeBron James is a smart guy. We just think he's an amazing athlete. He's a gifted sort of touched, sort of hand comes down from the heavens and touches this guy. This happens creatively once in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Molested by God.

[Brian Bishop]

Molested by God. And he has a gift for acting. I know. What. Does anyone. Does anyone think Slash is a genius?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. The point is this. But he's a great. He's a great. He's a great rocker. He's a great guitar player.

[David Koechner]

I mean, terrific name, though.

[Brian Bishop]

Slash is an. Is an awesome name. And he's. He's a great rock and roll player, but no one thinks he's A gene. No, he's a gifted guy. De Niro's a gifted guy who I think is dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Slash is no Bono.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. And I've always thought he was dumb, and I've always said he was dumb. And I don't mean dumb. I just mean sort of. He's an average intelligence guy, and that's why he usually steers away from the situations that will expose him. Robert Downey Jr. And Alec Baldwin are not. They're super high intelligence guys, and they show up all the time on all the shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Heart of the matter, though. You and Donald Trump share the same opinion about this guy whose name I will no longer say cuz. Larry Miller.

[Brian Bishop]

Hot chocolate.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I think it's stupid.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of the heart of the matter in Donald, this extends to musicians, too. Like singers and like, songwriters. Like, people like, yeah, Don Henley's interview.

[Brian Bishop]

Don Henley.

[Allison Rosen]

But then when he's, like, interviewed, like, he's kind of just an empty blowhard. You know, he's got a blowhard, but not a lot there.

[Brian Bishop]

They're gifted at something. Why should they be good at two things? Why should they be funny, charismatic and great actors or. And great musicians or basketball players?

[David Koechner]

By the way, has this guy never seen a reptile or a paisley? Anything at all? It's just the solids.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[David Koechner]

The crayon colors. It's the bright, you know, underline highlighting, marker colors. I. I liked it for a few years.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[David Koechner]

You want to say. I'm begging you. Get something with a seal on it. Get something with a family crest. Anything at all.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[David Koechner]

Stripes. Anything you like.

[Brian Bishop]

I do miss polka dots.

[David Koechner]

Anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Rich guys used to have a crest.

[David Koechner]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes. Also had pinky rings or signet rings.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what? That was a class move, by the way. It's a class move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. De Niro likes black chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. So he doesn't drink hot chocolate.

[Brian Bishop]

Well.

[Adam Carolla]

Get this. Charlie Sheen is down a goddess. At Saturday's performance of his violent Torpedo of Truth tour, Charlie Sheen announced that adult film actress Brie Olsen, whose real name is Rachel Oberlin, file that factoid away, had broken up with him via text message. Oh, he likes the hot chocolate, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

According to the Hollywood Reporter, during the Q and A portion of Sheen's live show, a member of the Fort Lauderdale audience asked him how he was handling life with two girlfriends. He said, not well, because one left. Olsen has returned to her hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Prior to splitting with Sheen, she appeared as part of his live show, revving up the crowd by Making out with fellow goddess Natalie Kenley. This isn't the first time Olsen has left. In March, just days after telling 2020 that she'd love to marry Charlie, she took off.

[Brian Bishop]

Who could have seen this for these kids?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't think I love anymore. I thought the three were gonna last forever.

[Brian Bishop]

I gotta tell you. First, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson and now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know that was the first. This is the final coffin. That was the first.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, when my kids ask me if it's a good idea to get married, I don't know what to tell them anymore. Or even to date. I just don't know what to say. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I know first. Well, there's like for the love of Ray J. That didn't work out.

[Brian Bishop]

Ray J. Didn't work out.

[Allison Rosen]

Just keep a picture of Nick and Jessica on your. On your bedside table. And they ask just silently, point.

[Brian Bishop]

Slight. Yep, Point it. Point to it.

[Adam Carolla]

A picture of them together or a picture of them in a heart split in the center.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Very symbolic point.

[David Koechner]

That's quite a picture though, that one on the upper right with the hat on. She's got that look in the eyes, you know, she's thinking, how did this happen?

[Brian Bishop]

She's going back to every year, right. She's having this flashback of her being 12 and standing up in the sixth grade and going, I'm gonna be a veterinarian. Yeah.

[David Koechner]

Then just that. And then there was junior high and how did it go to this?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna own lots of horses.

[Brian Bishop]

What do you think the ratio between 10 year old girls announcing they're gonna be veterinarians and the ones that actually become veterinarian?

[Adam Carolla]

10%.

[Brian Bishop]

Whoa. Much less than that. Well, it's 100% announced they're going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

How many girls really even get degrees?

[Brian Bishop]

There you go. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

2%.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd say. You're rounding up.

[Adam Carolla]

My first vocation that I wanted to go into was psychology.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

At age 6, I wanted to be a psychiatrist then.

[Brian Bishop]

So Jewish of you to see a.

[Adam Carolla]

Psychologist to be a borscht belt comedian. Then I wanted to import Moyle Herring merchant. I wanted to be a jeweler. I had my own loop at age 11. Then I wanted to be a veterinarian.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, okay, one more story now at the show, Charlie Sheen invited Lindsay lohan to spend 24 hours with him so that he could, quote, hug her and let her know it's gonna be okay.

[Brian Bishop]

What have you found out that Charlie was with your galaxy. Would there be a Vat deep enough filled with Purell that you could dip her in. Do you know what I mean? Like, what would you.

[Adam Carolla]

If Charlie was with my gal?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just saying, like, you know. You know, if you. This chick's gonna head back to Fort Wayne and she's gonna. And she's a cute blonde, and there's gonna be some guy at a gas station sees her and goes, oh, and gets her phone number, and they're gonna go out on a couple dates, and he's gonna be smitten.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he.

[Brian Bishop]

At one point or another, he's gonna find out. Oh, Jesus Christ. Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't think he'd be proud to carry Charlie's warts?

[Brian Bishop]

Now I know why your vagina smells like smoke, right? Wow.

[David Koechner]

I'm awake now. You know what, by the way? Maybe a silkwood scrub. We'll get the brush going right, and you really get down a couple of layers on the skin.

[Brian Bishop]

I was thinking more of the Rambo prison fire hose. That's so she'd have a flashback.

[David Koechner]

It's sort of like the 409 thing they did on the White House after the Clintons left. I think, you know, they had to go into the Oval Office and just really give it a.

[Brian Bishop]

Really give it a good, clean it.

[David Koechner]

And then, you know, it doesn't matter who's coming. They're going to say, do me a favor one more time. Just go over it one time.

[Brian Bishop]

Rosie, get in here with the bounty.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't matter who's coming. So wait, you're single, you meet a cute girl, and you find out that she had been with Charlie Sheen, and that would make you not want to date her, as opposed to wanting to date her more just because of the weird novelty of it. It.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm saying what you want is, you know that supermodel that was in the tsunami whose boyfriend got swept out to sea by the tsunami, and she was found just clinging to a palm tree.

[Adam Carolla]

She's on the stars. Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

I think that may be her. Yes. That's what you want in a girlfriend. Like, where's your boyfriend? Swept out to sea. Like, not some weird dude coming around at 4 in the morning. I want my comb back. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

So big dude, I will never cream that dual.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, going like he was in season two of Ultimate Fighter. But don't worry about him. He's just talking, you know, like, that.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude maybe showing higher standards. Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just saying, I want to pry my next gal off a palm tree while the tide Just takes all the trash out. That's all. That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

You like the hot chocolate?

[Brian Bishop]

She'll wake up in the middle of the night with a, you know, some. Some night terrors, every once in a while, screaming. But it'll be worth it. Won't be those weird phone calls, the texting. Oh, it's my birth. Rob just sent me a text. You know, come on. We were together for four years up.

[Adam Carolla]

Rachel, you could tell before her life.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

[David Koechner]

As long as you don't honeymoon in Hawaii, she'll be fine.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? Right. That's what I'm saying. All right, one more.

[Adam Carolla]

One more quick story. Flavor Flav. No one saw this coming, but Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken Shack in Clinton, Iowa, closed on Sunday, just four months after opening.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Remember, we reported on the financial troubles that the Chicken Shack was encountering. Flav told WQADTV that he was pulling a license that allowed restaurant manager Nick Cimino to use his name in the restaurant because he, quote, isn't running the business. Right. And remember, some former employees had claimed that checks were bouncing and they weren't being paid. And Cimino told the station that Flav was, quote, a fraud. He was trying to get rich off his ideas.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's not the Flavor Flav I know.

[David Koechner]

Now, by the way, Flavor Flav having an argument in the media like this with Nick Samino is not unlike De Niro and Trump having the same argument in the media.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you say it like that? It's De Niro.

[David Koechner]

Oh, Brian, can you play it back? My head is spinning now.

[Brian Bishop]

Now I'm spinning too. All right, we need to do. We need to take a break. We need to bring in Dave Koechner. We're gonna leave Larry in here because we're gonna do some hypothetical road trip. I think we'll get Koechner and Larry together. Beautiful. Why not get it on to my favorite cats in studio. David Keckner and Larry Miller gonna team up and gang bang this hypothetical road trip. Dave Koechner can be found on the Internet if you like. Always open web series on collegehumor.com and you can check them out also at. At his website, www.David Keckner. And that is K O E C h n e r.com and you can Twitter him and Larry Miller. Larry millerhumor.com Good to see you guys. Good see you, Dave.

[Mike August]

A pleasure.

[Brian Bishop]

Dave Keckner is my hero because he Named one of his kids Sarge.

[Mike August]

Yep.

[Brian Bishop]

Which is so close.

[Mike August]

It's a boy, Sergeant.

[Brian Bishop]

It's shoes. Kidding. So close.

[Mike August]

You never know.

[Brian Bishop]

So close to Surge, but yet so far. You know what I mean? Because it's like all you have to do is slip up and it's Surge, but yet I would kill a guy named Serge and worship at the altar of a guy named Sarge.

[Mike August]

But Serge is pretty cool, though, no? If it was Sergio, you don't think it's cool?

[Brian Bishop]

Nah, I wouldn't hang out with it. If you gave me a choice between hanging out with Sarge or Serge, it'd be Sarge. Every single time.

[Mike August]

There's no question. Sergeant's more soft.

[David Koechner]

Serge has to be a Russian tailor.

[Mike August]

Always in a nice suit. I want to say something. I am so delighted that I get to be here with you a. And this lovely woman and another bald guy. But I. I didn't know Larry was going to be here tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, this cover one is turning sour.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone loves Larry.

[Mike August]

And then I thought he was gonna have to leave before my segment. Then I get to sit here with Larry Miller.

[Brian Bishop]

I am so happy, everybody. When you bring up Larry's name, everyone just like one of the good ones.

[David Koechner]

That's important to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone loves Larry Miller.

[David Koechner]

He had an idea about.

[Mike August]

We're gonna do it. Well, tell him we should do a web series or a web chronicle called Name your Hollywood Bald Guys. So. Because everybody. Larry and I did a movie together years ago called A Guy Thing. A guy Thing. Thank you. And Larry played the priest in the movie, and I played the step, the second husband. I was Jason Lee's stepfather. And at the premiere afterward, some gal came up to me and complimented me on playing the priest.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, because you're just a bald guy.

[Mike August]

Just a bald guy. It doesn't matter. Yeah, you just, you know, one of them. And I often get compliments for Rob Cordry.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Mike August]

And I. I hope he often gets them for me.

[Brian Bishop]

I. But people.

[Mike August]

Here's the other thing. I'm sorry to cut you out, but people will go, I loved you in Anchorman. And I loved you in Hot Tub Time Machine.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Different.

[Mike August]

Wait, wait a minute. So you love me in that, and then you watch the whole movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Mike August]

Then you watch the other whole movie. You couldn't tell the difference.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. No, just pasty face, bald guy. I realized that people don't have a lot of time to focus on other people, but they have plenty of time to talk, and that's the problem.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I saw the ten Commandments recently?

[Mike August]

Over the weekend.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. And was I talking about this? Where was I talking about this?

[Mike August]

At home?

[Adam Carolla]

Not to us.

[Brian Bishop]

Phil Rosenthals. Yeah, Phil Rosenthals. Was that yapping about that.

[Mike August]

Do you have a noise for when he drops a name? Is there a noise for it? Can we create a noise for when Adam drops a name?

[Allison Rosen]

It's air.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was in front of us.

[Brian Bishop]

It was in front of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Chuck Heston's son.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, another name. Chuck Heston son. Played the baby Moses. He did. Sat next to me, all 248lbs of him while we're watching the movie. But Yul Brenner, there's a bald guy who pulled it off back in the day. And anyone who went bald pre Michael Jordan is a real pioneer. That guy was able to pull down world class pussy with a bald head in the 50s and the 60s.

[Allison Rosen]

He's an inspiration to us all.

[Brian Bishop]

He really. He really is.

[David Koechner]

So let it be written, so let it be done right.

[Brian Bishop]

And he did. He had he one of these. I don't know if you guys have ever seen Yul Brenner's. It's a sort of. It's a very macabre Bob Newhart esque bit. But Yul Brenner, his last piece of work was a public service announcement explaining, you know, by the time you see this, I will be dead of lung cancer. And I thought, how did that call from his agent go? Yuli, baby, I got. What is it? The King and I. How much? Just hear me out, Hear me out. Send the script over. Yes, I want them dead. No, I mean I'm shot in the movie. No, no, I mean really dead.

[Mike August]

You died.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold on a second.

[Mike August]

No, not in the first act.

[Brian Bishop]

You had to be like, it's the worst fucking script I've ever read in my life.

[Mike August]

These guys are great. They've got it immediately.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Mike August]

What kind of Internet do you have here?

[Brian Bishop]

Ladies and gentlemen, the late Yul Brynner. Wow. I really wanted to make a commercial when I discovered that I was that sick and my time was so limited to make that commercial that says simply, now that I'm gone, I tell you, don't smoke. Whatever you do, just don't smoke. If I could take back that smoking, we wouldn't be talking about any cancer. I'm convinced of that.

[Mike August]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

If he didn't smoke, he wouldn't have been able to do that commercial that.

[Mike August]

Hey, silver lining.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[David Koechner]

Just not powerful enough.

[Mike August]

Yeah, well, you know, the good news is here was Things like that. Things like this were the beginning of true anti smoking campaigns. Now it's really odd to me. When I see a person in their twenties. Do you smoke?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Mike August]

When I see a person for 20 smoking like.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm not in my 20s.

[David Koechner]

Taken that I was going to say just take it. It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in my tens.

[Brian Bishop]

The, the. You know the other thing that. Well, the other thing that's funny about Yule is Chuck was like, you know, Heston was like 6, 2, 63 and Yule probably went about 5, 6, 5, 7. He wears sort of hip slippers with heels in it. If you, if you focus on the. On the movie and enough. But tan look good. I gotta tell you. His lungs may look like hell, but none the worse for wear. Facially, I mean. Still look like the same dude from. Yeah, there's a hell of a hell of a corpse that you'll chest. Yeah. Nice looking guy. And I don't know where he was from. Where was he from?

[Mike August]

These guys will have three seconds accent is that these guys will have in three seconds.

[Brian Bishop]

Feels very exotic.

[David Koechner]

Something. It's like Eastern Europe. Not it's one of those like Western Russia, Eastern Europe. Something between Romania.

[Brian Bishop]

Stan at the end of it, perhaps Balkan, but there's a little Asian sprinkled in there.

[Mike August]

That's Mongolian.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, a little Mongolian.

[Mike August]

Who's everyone. Anyone ever called you Howard Beale?

[Brian Bishop]

He's Russian. Russian Howard Beale.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know who that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam is mad as hell.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that guy. That guy.

[Mike August]

Peter Finch. Howard Beale.

[Brian Bishop]

Got it. Do the new Howard Beal yelling out the window.

[Mike August]

You better wear a mask the next time you get pulled over.

[Brian Bishop]

Ouch. I got to say this Rolo rolling over on the lapd I do talk to these guys all the time. They come to me after the show and stuff like that. And they go, I have guys. It's the greatest things that's ever said to me, which is after shows when I'm shaking hands and signing autographs and stuff, guys come up to me. It's always the same dude, big mitt for hand, short cropped haircut, looking like he hasn't had a drink. And he says, hey, I want you to know I'm a squad commander and I'm a sergeant and whatever. And he says, said I don't let my guys write chicken shit tickets. And there's this weird little quiet praise of. There's a section of Cops, a segment of cops who got into it to stop bad guys, not to write chicken Shit tickets. And they're proud of it. And I think they're forced to hand out. Nobody gets into law enforcement to bust moms and Volvo wagons. They get it to slide across fucking hoods and yell, no time for backup. Up. And now they're forced. They're sort of like neutered, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

A big story recently about how they were indicted for having ticket writing quotas because you're not allowed to do that. And some cops complained and it turned out they're really.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not their fault.

[David Koechner]

Did you just get Mayor's.

[Mike August]

When did this happen? A week ago.

[Brian Bishop]

No, this happened like two days ago.

[Mike August]

I got one last one.

[Brian Bishop]

Where were you? What city?

[Mike August]

I was in near Santa Monica and Sepulveda.

[Brian Bishop]

Santa Monica's pretty bad. Oh, Santa Monica still? Yeah.

[Mike August]

You know why? It's another month. These guys got to make the quota. This is. These are recession tickets.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. No, they're out. They're out raising money. And my whole thing is. What happened to the Policeman's ball? When Go out and sell some fucking tickets to a ball?

[Mike August]

That happens in England, apparently.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. It'd be. It'd be nice if they brought that thing back.

[Mike August]

Let's do it.

[Brian Bishop]

Bring back the Policeman's Ball.

[Mike August]

Yep.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a movie.

[David Koechner]

What about the Bald Actors Ball?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, can I ask about. Speaking of bald guys, can I go back to something we were talking about a second?

[Mike August]

You find them?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that goes right in my question. Did bald guys have to learn special tricks for pulling down pussy? Like Yul Brenner apparently knew.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys can all weigh in.

[Mike August]

I don't think about it. I'm married.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when did the balding happen in relation to the marrying?

[Mike August]

I was completely bald.

[Brian Bishop]

So you had some bald single years?

[Mike August]

Yeah. All you got to do is get a little bit famous.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I see. Yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

So then yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

No, it doesn't matter. Look, women. I don't. I don't think women are that hung up on looks necessarily. If you're interesting enough and you think at some point they can provide for you, you'd be interested.

[Brian Bishop]

I will say this, too. It takes a lot to smell as a bald guy. You got to work it. I mean, because there's nowhere for the.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweat to get trapped.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you take those fucking reggae guys with the crazy, crazy hair, the dreadlocks. Smell those guys fucking across the street. I mean, you take those guys with the crazy turbans and the long hair and. I mean, that is a sponge of funkitude. Your hair holds it in. You ever do a thing where you go to a party or something and there's like, a lot of people smoking and it's crowded or you're in a club or whatever, and the next day you wake up and you're like, pillow smells like smoke or whatever it is. Ball, guys. Brian, back me up. You don't have that right.

[Allison Rosen]

Funk free funk free funk since 1998.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, shall we do a little hypothetical road trip? Yes. I think Dave and Larry can both jump in on this one. It's the hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers.

[David Koechner]

We're driving to Florida.

[Brian Bishop]

Now. You guys can team up.

[David Koechner]

Well, I just want to let David know that, because sometimes this happens. I've been playing this game for years. Yeah, it's a complicated game, and it's not something you can just toss even a good friend in. You just can't normally toss someone into a deep pool like that. So I just want to let you know, if you get confused, used, you can always look to me or just say, gee, I'm not sure what's going on.

[Mike August]

Thank you for telling me that.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Mike August]

I think De Niro's very bright, by the way, and I think Trump's a douchebag, but let's go.

[Brian Bishop]

I think Trump's a douchebag, too. I. I don't think De Niro's bright. I think he's gifted.

[Mike August]

You don't.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't.

[Mike August]

You don't climb to where that man is in success. And you're. You're not bright.

[Brian Bishop]

What about athletes?

[Mike August]

Same thing. LeBron James is incredibly gifted and bright. You know, he. There's no way a person attains the amount of success they have without being extremely bright. Now, whether or not they're most articulate person in the world is a different story.

[Brian Bishop]

What about Larry Holmes?

[Mike August]

Sure. Of course. Absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Mike August]

You can't be champion of the world in anything and be stupid unless the Spinks brothers are there.

[Brian Bishop]

Spinks brothers.

[Mike August]

Here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, here we go. This is the hypothetical road trip from the Santa Monica Pier to the Epcot center in Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he let them answer one at a time, sort of back and forth, because Dave's new to the game, you know, Larry.

[Mike August]

Larry's my protector. He's my guardian angel.

[Brian Bishop]

Larry will go first.

[David Koechner]

Watch and learn.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is a. Who do you drive with? The professional pet photographer or the medieval reenactment guy? Larry.

[David Koechner]

Okay, now, this is a good place to start, so watch what happens. Who would I like to drive cross country with the professional pet photographer or the medieval reenactor. Here's an easy answer to it. So again, even David can jump right in and get this right away. First of all, it can never be the pet guy because first of all, it just can't be because anyone's that close to pet. It's like your analogy that the sixth grade girls always say, I'm gonna be a veterinarian. The fact that this guy followed through on this and became a photographer, though, it shows a weak character. I would always want to go with the medieval reenactors. Always drive with them. They have interesting stories to tell about the places they've worked and an innate understanding of history that's exactly the same.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on. That's incorrect.

[David Koechner]

Come on.

[Mike August]

Not incorrect.

[Brian Bishop]

We'll give you two.

[David Koechner]

Not in front of David.

[Mike August]

Not in front of David. I will say he's absolutely incorrect.

[Brian Bishop]

First off, that guy. That guy is carrying 3, 400 pounds of chain mail. That's going to affect your mileage. Number two, what happens when you get pulled over outside Arizona? This guy's had some. A jail. He comes out his sword. The cop sees his sword leaving the car. All of a sudden, bullets are flying. Okay, no, no, no. This is very. I'm so sorry. Let's keep moving. Yes, I didn't think of it that.

[David Koechner]

Way now that you mentioned it.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sorry. There's no.

[Mike August]

The same.

[Brian Bishop]

There's no. No mulligans in the hypothetical.

[David Koechner]

Now you get the hang of it. Now you see how it's done?

[Mike August]

I'm with you.

[Brian Bishop]

Subtleties. All right. All right.

[Mike August]

Absolutely. With the.

[David Koechner]

Remember, I've been playing this for years.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, so go ahead for one.

[Mike August]

David on point.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. You're sticking with that One for one.

[Mike August]

I am on the HMS Miller.

[Brian Bishop]

Check.

[David Koechner]

So David's going to take one now.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[David Koechner]

And remember, if you get confused or lost anywhere along the line, just look over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. You ready, David?

[Mike August]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

A lactation counselor or a pro bass fisherman? A long drive.

[Mike August]

One's a woman, one's a man.

[Brian Bishop]

Possibly. Not possibly.

[Mike August]

I don't get. I don't get any.

[Brian Bishop]

I would assume the lactation counselor is a woman and the pro bass fisherman.

[Mike August]

I'm gonna go lactation counselor because I have five kids and we've had. We've met with the. I forget the name of the people that do la leche.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what it is?

[Brian Bishop]

Do you have kids?

[Adam Carolla]

I just have breasts.

[Mike August]

Good for you. I'm gonna go La leche because there's a lot of places we can go to talk about it, but I don't have that much interest in fishing.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I understand.

[Mike August]

Don't tell me I was incorrect.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait a minute, Brian, that's not right. What? That.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you have right here on the scorecard.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, I. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[David Koechner]

I told you, somewhere along the line.

[Mike August]

Look over.

[Brian Bishop]

Look over.

[Mike August]

You know, I looked at. I looked at. I looked at the young. I looked at the young mom, not the woman wearing the bad sweater.

[Brian Bishop]

She's the counselor. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Oh, that's the person in the car.

[David Koechner]

By the way. I think we're all a little astonished here.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm Brian. I'm sorry. The reason that's incorrect is because there's a lot of good fishing between here and Florida. A lot of good fishing.

[David Koechner]

By the way, sadly, that's that guy's skin. That's not. That's his skin.

[Brian Bishop]

That's starting off at the Santa Monica pier and you're ending up in Florida. It's just in Florida alone, there's a lot of good fishing right there. And this guy's gonna stop at every secret hole. Sorry, go ahead.

[Mike August]

Let me rebut and hope there's no pun intended upon stopping at every secret hole. Then. Then by that logic. Yes, by that logic, wouldn't the woman from Leche League, the lactation counselor, stop at every fine pair of tatties to say, now, these clearly give milk between here and Florida?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's see.

[Mike August]

I mean, she might be pointing out milk sack after milk sack after milk sack.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good point. Brian has a laminated car in front of him, and it does not lie.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, it's a good point.

[Brian Bishop]

But, Larry, you ready to move on short?

[David Koechner]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[David Koechner]

Again, I'm. I'm still astonished, but go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

This is easy. Snooki or Donald Trump?

[Mike August]

Oh, wow.

[David Koechner]

This is easy. And the reason, by the way, some of these. Sometimes these seem complicated, but they're not. You have to look past it. It turns out that both answers are correct because Snooki is Donald Trump.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[David Koechner]

So I could.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, what do you.

[David Koechner]

What do you mean, not in front of David?

[Mike August]

Don't tell me to say I'm wrong.

[David Koechner]

In front of David.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't know how to approach that because you picked both of them.

[David Koechner]

Well, but I figured I gotta be right, so I gotta show him what's right about the game.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You've ruined the sanctity of the game, Larry. I've ruined it both A and B.

[Allison Rosen]

I Have it right here. The answer is neither.

[Brian Bishop]

Cat's game.

[David Koechner]

Cat's game.

[Brian Bishop]

Cat's game.

[Mike August]

Cat's game.

[Brian Bishop]

Larry, I'm so sorry. Wait, wait a minute. It's a good game.

[David Koechner]

I've been playing it for years. Boy, that's.

[Mike August]

That's punishment either way, Trump. I mean, this guy has been a punchline for how many years? And he's talking about running. What an asshole.

[Brian Bishop]

No, he's not. He's not gonna do anything.

[Mike August]

Who ruined the USFL, right? You saw for that 30 for 30, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I did. I don't think most Americans are holding that against him. I love me some 30 for 30 because it's. It's documentaries, it's sports, it's controversy. Whether it's Muhammad Ali getting in with the aforementioned Larry Holmes or whether it's the U. You know, Miami university in the 80s, whatever. Whatever it is. You know, most recently, the. Oh, no, the Running Rebels was another documentary. You can. Yeah, it's hbo. HBO Sports. It's all fascinating. They're all fucking fascinating. And they're all great. And it's just nice to see things well executed. You really just can't go wrong. As a matter of fact, they're good because I'll go back and watch them again and it's awesome. Here's my tip, by the way. Do most of your watching of television either drunk or high, because you can go back and enjoy the exact same episode of Three's Company not a week later and enjoy the shit out of it just as much. Much is very easy. I came from Fast5, by the way, which you two should have been in, by the way. Wait, it would have dropped the ball.

[Mike August]

Would it have been either or.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I think the both. I think the both of you.

[Mike August]

Larry, let's get buff.

[Brian Bishop]

Should have been in that.

[Mike August]

How about this? Larry and I commit to getting buff and shave the rest of what we don't have and then see what happens.

[Brian Bishop]

You go as Right. Said Fred, to your next. Next Halloween.

[David Koechner]

You know what? First of all, sexy. I would in a second, but there's so much. I'm so busy coming up, and I don't know if I can commit to the gym time.

[Mike August]

Yes, you can.

[David Koechner]

Wait a minute. Look at that.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, the Rock.

[David Koechner]

I'm wrong. Look at him.

[Brian Bishop]

The Rock.

[David Koechner]

So good.

[Brian Bishop]

The Rock was literally wearing arm butter the entire time. I mean, he was wearing a shirt that was like with the Olympic swim team wear slightly tighter than what the team wears. And he literally. His arms just glistened and every. I mean, there Must have been something in his rider that said, I need a 55 gallon drum of arm butter. And furthermore, everyone around me, all the guys on my team, their arms must be powdered down so it does not reflect the light. If you see a picture of the.

[Mike August]

Rock, I mean, hey, look, the Rock kicks ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Find me another picture or two of the Rock. Now, I love that guy. And he was a big fan of the Hammer, by the way. So you met him.

[Mike August]

He's one of the greatest guys outside of. Larry Miller is the. My second favorite.

[Brian Bishop]

We're looking at a picture right now. How many apple boxes is Vin Diesel standing on as we speak?

[Mike August]

You're right. The Rock goes six, three, maybe six, four.

[David Koechner]

And. And the Rock is standing in the. What they used to call the Allen Lad hole.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Good name for Allison's V, by the way. Yeah. Now, if you see another picture again of the Rock, you will. You will. You will see more. I mean, just. I would. I had to put on a pair of glasses. Sunglasses at a certain point, because his.

[Adam Carolla]

Arms should, like, glint like ding.

[Mike August]

I love the apple box call, though. I love the apple box call.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Mike August]

He's not as tall as. As Dwayne Johnson.

[Brian Bishop]

Sarge.

[Mike August]

Dwayne T.R. johnson.

[Brian Bishop]

And I was saying, you know, you've arrived when you have an acting name, a rapping name, a vodka mogul name. Like, you know, we call you Larry ke. Oh, sorry. David Keckner. No, Larry Keckner. All right, that's David Koechner. That's your acting name. Yes. Larry Keckner. That's your rap name.

[Mike August]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

And, you know, LK is your vodka name.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when you come out, like David Dirty Money.

[Brian Bishop]

When you come out with your essence, it'd be K. Diddy or something like that. You have like five. Yes. You have five different. Oh, you see the arms sparkling again? We have five.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't stare directly at them.

[Brian Bishop]

Could the shirt get any tighter? Could the arms get any greasier?

[Mike August]

How much did Under Armour pay?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, he must have to go through shirts really quickly because they would get the arm butter on them. He has to put. He has to, like, spray the shirt on right? Then Crisco down his arms, and then that's the end of that shirt. Unless they cut it off and resew it.

[Mike August]

Check it out. Not an ounce of fat.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, just.

[Adam Carolla]

Just on his arms. Coating his arms.

[Brian Bishop]

There's more grease on his arms, by the way.

[David Koechner]

That look right there. One of the ads had just said, dwayne, do you Mind walking to lunch today? And that was his shot right there.

[Brian Bishop]

That was his look. Yeah, well, we don't have any room in the golf cart. Greasy arms. So why don't you put some PAB on and we'll see at the. We'll see a craft service.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, hug it out. No, thank you.

[Mike August]

Doesn't matter. Rock kicks ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Love, love me some of the rock. Hey, Valentine's Day. Oh, no, wait a minute.

[Mike August]

Was a long time ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Mother's Day coming up. Well, it's never too early to start shopping for Valentine's Day. Mother's Day coming up. And this week, only 100 blooms for Mom. That's right. Plus the free glass vase only 1999.

[Mike August]

Are you kidding me?

[Brian Bishop]

19. Remember when you guys had hair and you were dating and you'd go like, I want a dozen roses. And some asshole be like, it's $125. I mean, it's like insane. When I was making. Here's my two greatest laments in life. When I was making $9 an hour, Coke was a buck 30 a gram. And long stem roses were 140 bucks for a dozen. And try to get laid without either one of those in 1986. Now I'm rich, Coke is free. And evidently flowers are too. And married. It's all fucked up. You see What I'm saying? 1999. This week, only 100 flowers. I appreciate this.

[Allison Rosen]

Genuine endorsement. Horseman.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the bald man's trick. For landing.

[Mike August]

Effort, I'm gonna get 300.

[Brian Bishop]

For 60 bucks, I'm gonna get 300 roses. Lavish them upon your beautiful wife who was able to look the other way while you named your kid Sergeant.

[Mike August]

I'm gonna ask Larry Miller to match my pledge.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Exclusive and only. Good through midnight Friday, April 29th. Do not miss. Call 1-800-proflowers and mention ACE. Or go to proflowers.com. click on the microphone, upper right hand corner and type in Ace. 100 blooms for mom or for the Mrs. Or whoever you like. Or both. A thousand. It's still. That's $200. Under $200, right?

[Mike August]

Why not go to dinner?

[Brian Bishop]

Screw it.

[Mike August]

You could get all the flowers. Get a thousand roses.

[Brian Bishop]

That's. Oh, my God.

[Mike August]

It's all real estate that gets you.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Mike August]

You can go out every Thursday for the next three months.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Smart. Larry.

[Mike August]

Larry Miller.

[David Koechner]

I'm just trying to think.

[Brian Bishop]

My.

[David Koechner]

My one cylinder engine is hit. The hammer is hitting the anvil. I'm trying to imagine A thousand of anything, Larry.

[Brian Bishop]

Larry usually just makes the pilgrimage to the garage to grab one of his many books and hands it to his wife every year. Another book, same book.

[Mike August]

You know what? You know what, Larry? Let's do this.

[Brian Bishop]

She knows she's one step closer to get that VW out of the garage. Exactly right.

[David Koechner]

Exactly right, Larry.

[Mike August]

Let's. Let's paraphrase up. For a hundred bucks each, you and I are going to send Lynette.

[Brian Bishop]

She would love that.

[Mike August]

The Mother Corolla, A Thousand Roses.

[Brian Bishop]

She would love that.

[Mike August]

You know what she's going to say? Why don't you have those guys on so more. They're so nice.

[David Koechner]

Or she'll say, what is wrong with them? Exactly. What do they expect?

[Mike August]

I'm angry because last week I saw a tweet from Greg Fitzsimmons, and he'd have this guy. Guy. Some Italian guy, Adam Corolla, on his podcast on his radio show, and he said, maybe my face. Favorite show ever.

[Brian Bishop]

And you had done.

[Mike August]

I had been on there a week and a half earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

I would not stand for that.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. And he yelled, move over, Keckner. There's a new funny sheriff in town, and his name is Ace Corolla. At the beginning of the podcast, I remember clearly that Rhett.

[David Koechner]

I was on the show the week before.

[Brian Bishop]

You what?

[David Koechner]

And he said mine was the fa. Get that so and so in here.

[Adam Carolla]

He told me I was the queen of humor, and I wasn't even on his podcast.

[Mike August]

That Mick is coming in here soon, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, he's gonna be at the Universal CityWalk on Wednesday night.

[Mike August]

Well, guess who else is gonna be. Shotgun in the back, couple bald guys.

[Brian Bishop]

You settled? Megaphones, but good. All right. Also, I don't know if that's our show.

[Mike August]

That's our movie.

[Brian Bishop]

All these microphones. Who's your favorite cowgirl? Who's your favorite cow? Go.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't fire till you see the light glint off their heads.

[Mike August]

We're wearing hats.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, boy. My new pcast with Adam Carolla is now up. Honestly. Might be my favorite interview yet.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the might part, though?

[Brian Bishop]

Might. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Oh, Qualifier.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

And it goes on to say 10 times better than that chopped liver David Koechner to anybody's. Wow.

[Mike August]

Oh, look at that.

[Brian Bishop]

And we did it on the drive home from the improv. Wait a minute. Barely trying. Yes.

[Mike August]

You weren't even in the same studio.

[Brian Bishop]

No, we were in a car driving down the 405. I was driving him home. I guess he had to be nice. Wow.

[Mike August]

I don't Know what to say.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So, okay, so if you're confused, you know when I'm. Because you will hear in the interview, you'll hear me going, well, you know, my family was. It was difficult. I grew up parent. And then every once in a while you hear that, Jesus Christ, Armenians, get out of the way. All right. Anyway, my dad was. They were divorced. So if that's how you'll know, that's how you know it'll sound confusing, but now that there's a context for it, you'll understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Freeway, exit to take.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I was, I was in the car. Yeah.

[Mike August]

So is that gonna be a fifth podcast? Riding along with that?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know. It's actually sort of a nice cathartic way to do things. It's a weird thing, which is as long as we're getting into it, if you put someone up on stage and you do the late night thing that we've all done a million times, and you sit in front of that audience and you have this bleachers with 200 people in front of you, you don't want to go. More than if you feel like all of a sudden your metronome has been sped up, you have an adrenaline surge. So someone might ask you a serious question. How was your child? You come back with a snappy retort and everything. Sort of like. But when you're sitting in your car and driving and someone has just clipped a lav mic on your shirt and you're driving from Irvine to Venice and it's an hour long drive and the sun is sort of going down and just sort of going along the freeway, you'll just speak freely. It's actually. Therapists should actually just put you in the Volvo wagon, let you lay down in the back and just circle around.

[Adam Carolla]

Volvo should shrink.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Mike August]

You'd just done your show together.

[Brian Bishop]

We just done the show at the Irvine Improv.

[Mike August]

And that's pretty good. You know what this is reminds me of Sunshine Boys. Did you see that? Remember that one?

[David Koechner]

Sure, sure. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

George Burns. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

[Mike August]

Now, next time, can Larry and I be in the back seat? Any room for us?

[Brian Bishop]

You can chime in every once in a while. Do you guys have an iPad? That's my question for you. Do your kid, does Sarge have an iPad?

[Mike August]

Margot does. Margo Sargent dumped chocolate milk on Margo's ibook, their black friend. And therefore. Therefore I opted to buy her an iPad instead of another laptop because it was cheaper.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really? Well, good news for you owners of iPad. Yeah, the. You guys Know about. Go to my PC.

[Mike August]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

You can access your work computer. You can access your home computer. Well, you can do it now from your iPad. They have a new app so you guys can be all vacationing in Maui. You can be on the beach. You can pull out Margo's iPad and you can say, what's on my home computer? Let's see what's cooking. Check some emails, check some files. Maybe you run into some dude and you go, I want to show you a picture, one of my cars. And you just grab it and it's on the computer. You can get to your work computer and get to your home computer from your iPad.

[Mike August]

Would I say, jog in place for a minute, fella?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, jogging place for a minute, fella. And let me check my home computer. Try. Go to my PC for iPad. Try to figure it out for free.

[Mike August]

I am assuming he's running down the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

Go to my. She didn't get the hot chocolate. The chocolate reference earlier. Come on, baby, recalibrate. Go to my PC for iPad. Brought to you by Citrix, and you can try it out for free. You just download the free app at the App store and visit GoToMyPC.com click on the try it free button. Use the promo code, Adam, and try it out for free. That's right. 45 days for free. Go to my PC. Not bad, right?

[Mike August]

Not bad at all.

[Brian Bishop]

I sat in the back of this warehouse and the guy fired up his iPad and just went right onto his desktop computer.

[Mike August]

There was.

[Brian Bishop]

There it was. What a time we're living in.

[Mike August]

You know what? I agree with you. It's crazy. I did my term papers on a. On a typewriter.

[Brian Bishop]

I did it on candlelight.

[Adam Carolla]

I did it with smoke signals.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[David Koechner]

I tapped them out on a log.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Larry Miller. Larry. If people want to find out where you're at, they can go to Larry Miller humor.com but also on your network at ACE.

[David Koechner]

Larry Miller.com and I just want to plug on the 7th of May, I'm going to be at the Victoria Theater in Dayton, Ohio.

[Mike August]

I want to go bald.

[Brian Bishop]

Bald men unite. Also, Dave Koechner, David Keckner, the web series on CollegeHumor.com always open. That's always open. And you can also check him out on Twitter and his website, davidkecheckner.com so until next time. Am I missing anything? This is Adam Crowley for Paul Bryant, Larry Miller, David Koechner, and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo, Larry.

[Mike August]

Let's get buff.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Carollo Show 554, the great Dave Koechner, Larry Miller, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop. Coming for our final clip today we have Adam Carollo. Show 612, Jennifer Jimenez, Allison Rose and Brian Fisher. 2011. Just it out.

[Brian Bishop]

Good day, Bald Brian. Every damn night. Every damn night. Good day. Allison. Rosa. Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Corolla.

[Brian Bishop]

Hi. Oh my God. All right, so we saw you guys last at the Lovett's club.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Good show.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, Brian Cranston, man, puts out on stage. Good audience, good show. I signed some autographs, took some pictures and got out. Seemed like I was going to say half, but more than half the people hung out afterward. And it was one of those. Me and Mike lynch and Mike August and Matt D'Andrea. I got this great scam for getting driven to the airport every time. Do you know what it is?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it is.

[Brian Bishop]

Matt D'Andrea, who works with us doing the car cast, great guy. He got me this Lexus isf, which is a hot car, right? And he got it for me for a year for free. I mean, I have to pay the insurance on it. But he just wrangled it from Lexus right? Now every time I go out of town, and that's a lot, he's kind of like, hey, man. Oh, I see he has a Nissan Pathfinder that was like the prototype. Like, literally his Pathfinder is like from 8, you know, 83 and the first one was built in 84. Like, I mean, it's literally the oldest piece of shit in the world. So he wants to drive my brand new Lexus, of course. And he's, you know, he's a hot rodder. Like, he wants that car. So I'm like, yeah, how are you gonna tell the guy who got you the car for free he can't drive. You can't give him the car, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You can't.

[Brian Bishop]

But I say to him every time, all you gotta do is drive me to the airport and I'll get out of the car and it's all your. And he'll be like, all right. And he'll be like, what time and where? It'll be my house, 5:15 and we're going to LAX.

[Adam Carolla]

That is amazing. Is he itching to get his hands on a 98 Honda Accord? Because I would let him go joy.

[Brian Bishop]

Riding Klauth and Teary.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And so I would, I wouldn't do it if I were him. But for him, it's like he's probably getting laid in the back seat. Of the thing. He's definitely using it over the weekend. He gets a car for two days. Unfortunately it always means meeting me at my house at 5:15, right? Well this time it's meeting me and Mike August and Mike lynch at 5:10 at my house, right? I have a 6:30 flight out of LAX and everyone is at the show the night before. That fucking turnaround is a bitch, man.

[Adam Carolla]

You can barely sleep.

[Brian Bishop]

You're like on stage, you got a beer in your hand, you're laughing it up with Bryan Cranston. And it's like smash cut to oh, it'll still be dark. And you'll be out in your driveway just holding a travel mug and a pillow. And a pillow tear filled with tears.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you even sleep? Do you try to get a sleep?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you know, yeah. You come home, I had my alarm set for, you know, 4:30. I went to bed at 12:30 or 1:00 or something. It's like, oh, fuck it. So we're all flying into Toronto to do the show in Toronto and Mike and Mike aren't on my plane, but they're gonna take the free ride and get there a little early anyway. And everything's fin, get to lax, drop off. They get to Toronto at half an hour. An hour before I do, they blow right through customs. Right through, right through. And I am hour and not exaggerating, but over an hour in customs. Just that zigzaggy line, that serpentine line where you walk 75 yards that direction, step forward 4 inches and walk another 70. It's the most unsatisfying thing in the world. Like you walk 122 yards that direction. Then when you get to the end, I will let you move laterally somewhere between 19 and 27 inches and then you can walk. This is an actual picture of what it looked like. Mike never even got the full scope and scale. It just went. It went out of the right frame and out of the left frame, another 75 yards. Couple things on the good side. There was a hot chick. And you'll pass her in the middle at the same point every time.

[Allison Rosen]

Five or six times.

[Brian Bishop]

Five or six 22 times. Because it was just kept. It was a fucking. It was intestinal track of a pig or something. It just kept going back and forth and back and forth.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was especially that it was circle the globe.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, that's me getting toward the front of the line. But there's, there's two things. There was a cute chick. So like once, about every 17 minutes. How you doing? You know, like he just passed by, like. And then after I literally passed her so many times, it took me like eight passes. And then somewhere around the 9th I started to catch on. Oh, here she comes. We're gonna pass about right about the middle section, you know. Nine times. Yeah. So it's like I was always on the lookout for the hot 19 year old who's coming, coming by. And there's that person, there's always. And then there's the person that. With the horrible Bo, like the crazy foreign dude with the hair up. The Sikh with the hair tucked up into the way. Just a fucky funky fucking fucked up bo. And you're just behind him. Times, I mean, I moved Forward all of 44ft, but I did, yeah. Circle the globe twice in the back of the. I mean insane, by the way. All exacerbated by Mike lynch saying there were two people ahead of us. We got off the plane a half hour ago and there was nobody in front of us. And we just breezed. We just breezed right through. The problem is too, is the clock is ticking. I'm performing that night at 8:00, right? I was standing my driveway at 5, 10 in the morning. It is now 5:15. And it's like all I want is a fucking shower and half a nap in my hotel room. If I gotta walk right out on stage, I'm gonna fucking barf. And then get into the fetal position and put my one thumb in my mouth and the other in my asshole, right? So I'm like. And I finally. We get all the way through. Oh, I should tell you. Oh, I'll tell you this in a second. We get all the way through. We're staring at like the Airport Marriott or something. We're running so late that Mike lynch, poor Mike lynch, has to just go straight to the gig. Can't even check into the room. He's got to go straight to the venue. He goes straight to the venue. We walk into the hotel, there's a fire. I wouldn't say straight to the venue, by the way. I did get Mr. Toad's wild ride to the opposite side of Toronto because the guy didn't know where the venue was. Nobody could find, no one could figure out where the fucking venue was. Mike August and I walked in the hotel during a fire drill or fire, whatever. So it's like we were still checking in underneath it. Beep, beep, beep. Mike August was going his usual insane self. Because every single time they do the thing where they fill, he fills out the Paperwork in advance. And then he gives them a credit card for the file. And then every single time he pulls up and they go, well, we're gonna need a credit card for incidentals and we need you. And he goes, why did I do it? Why did I do it? Why did I do it? And they're like, sir, we don't have a credit card on file. He's like, why do you send me everything in advance? I feel like I send it every single time. And then I come here and you're like, we need a credit card, for instance. I was like, why? And it's like, mike, calm down. Yes, he'd do it to you.

[Allison Rosen]

We experienced the same thing in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's to happen to us.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the thing where you've alluded to before the one person explodes over seemingly nothing, and you're like, oh, they're bringing forth a lot of history. There's a lot going on here. To them, you've been kicking their seat for half an hour.

[Brian Bishop]

Every single. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Seat had been kicked.

[Brian Bishop]

Every single venue, every single hotel we go to, they say, we need a credit card for incidentals in advance and we need you to fill out this stuff. And then two weeks later, when we arrive, they go, credit card and you gotta fill out this paperwork. And he's like, why did I do it at home then? Why? And sir, we don't have it on file. It's like, yes, you do. I sent it to you. And it's like, so poor Mike's going nuts but in the background. So at least they. At least his muddled cries are being drowned out by the. And those things are always like 200 decibels louder than they need to be. Like, we get. Not like, I'm gonna doze off watching SportsCenter at the bar, not know that there's a fire going. Nah. A fire truck pulls up. Now it's like six in the evening and it's a race against it. Mike lynch calls and says it took him an hour to get to the venue, which is like, oh, fuck, now we gotta leave early to get the venue. I got that countdown. Like, I just need a half hour nap. I could just get a hat. I just want to close my eyes for half an hour before I walk out on stage. Fire trucks in there. We get checked in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an actual fire. It's not a fire drill.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, whatever. The truck's got to come anyway. Mike again, arguing with the poor woman behind the counter. And finally we get all our stuff but the elevators don't work because the fire thing and they have to reset the. So now I'm just us and our luggage, just standing, staring at an elevator going. You know, that is the chariot that leads me to my bed. And I just. All I want to do is get in a fucking bed. I was in my driveway at 5 this morning, like, please, dear God, open that door. Let me into that thing. So finally the firemen clear out and some maintenance guy has to come with a reset key and blah, blah, blah. And Mike's over at the venue, Mike lynch is. And Anyway, take my 22 minute nap, take my shower, get going to the venue. Right, right. Yeah, A little less now with commercials. They're all cutting into it, but finished a gig, a gig goes great. Fans are great, everything's great. Do all the signing afterwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Extra Canadian.

[Brian Bishop]

They're extra Canadian and they're big time fans over there. They're happy. It came out. There was, I don't know, three, two, 300 people stayed afterward. It's always, by the way, the longer the line of people, fans. And like I walked into the lobby and I was like, oh, dear God. I mean, that's the lobby after the show. You can see the pictures if you stream the show or I guess we'll throw it [e-mail]. does that make sense? Okay, I am. Wait, where am I? I'm seated to the right in the middle next to the guy. I'm being blocked out a little bit there.

[Allison Rosen]

They have a serpentine line too. It's like Customs, our space mountain.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, am I lying? We're looking at 250 people there. And. And yeah, there I am.

[Allison Rosen]

You look fat and bald.

[Brian Bishop]

The more.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's not you.

[Brian Bishop]

The more people that show up after the show, that hang in after the show for an autograph, the slower the very first guy is out of the gate. I don't know why, there's some sort of horrible algorithm there where the guy, the very first guy is like, ace, man. Yeah, all right. And I'm telling Mike Oggson, take the picture while he's signing, you know. Cause I gotta get through these people. Ace man. Brought you my team jersey. We have rugby, we do a rugby team. Here's your jersey. And it's like, all right. And the team signed it for it. It's like, all right, let's get a shot holding the jersey up. And come on, sweetie, turn the camera. And it's like, you don't want to tell the guy to fuck off. On the other hand, he's number one. And there's this line. And I was in my driveway at 5:15. Oh, and by the way, we'll see you down in the lobby. At 6:45 the following morning, we got to go through customs again to get the fuck out of Philadelphia. To get get, or sorry, to get into Philadelphia to drive to the Borgado an hour and a half away.

[Allison Rosen]

There's always a thing too, where, like, the more you want to hurry, the nicer he is. You're like, oh, that's great, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

And the slower he is, like, ace, man.

[Allison Rosen]

We named our team the Ace Men.

[Brian Bishop]

And then he came back like we didn't get a good shot. We got to Jersey, I got you. And it's like, oh, somebody was into Hungarian music. They had a Hungarian band. They gave me their cd. They gave us the whole thing. Your grandfather's Hungarian. I know you. I don't miss Hungarian music, by the way. I miss Hungarian cooking. There's the. Oh, well, there's the Hungarian. That's the name of the town my grandfather grew up in.

[Allison Rosen]

Mia Hamm's at the show.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. In the small town of Nietzsche. Pressure.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone is holding up a sign that says, I heart near a Zinga ka haza haza. Now that is the authentic pronunciation.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's the comedy. So now I'm coming back. So now the gig ends. I've signed all those people's shit, taken a picture of every single one of them. Then we do a thing for the Canadian version of Comedy Central. Like a sit down interview or whatever. After cctv. Yeah, after that.

[Allison Rosen]

Comedy North Central.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. And now it's fucking light. Like it's 11, by the way. Place completely cleared out. Town's cleared out. There's nothing there. We do this whole Spinal Tap thing where we're walking around the catacombs at the bottom of this big theater trying to figure out how to get the fire. Literally everyone is cleared out. There's nobody else there. Janitors. Everyone is gone. We go stumbling. Finally we figured out, after walking in circle for 20 minutes, we finally figured out which exit door. We go up some stairs. Cause we're down in the base. We go up the stairs. We get out of the back alley. It's like, where's the car? No car. Go around to the front. Where's the car? No car. Mike's on the phone with the guy. The guy came and then he left.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in the Gambia right now.

[Brian Bishop]

He's like, just give me 20 hours, I'll get there. He's like, that's us, that's Mike yawning and me out front and standing out front of the fucking place. Where is the car? Well, 45 goddamn minutes later, by the way, we have to be in the lobby at 6:45 to get out through Kosra, just standing, waiting for the car. And once again, the guy pulls the foreign accent thing where it's like Mike's on the phone with the dispatch. I go, where is the guy? I mean, he was supposed to be out here at 10:30, it's almost 12. Where is the gu. Why did he leave? What's up? You know? Guy finally pulls in 45 minutes later. Yes, guess it is good. Yes, it's good. And Mike's pissed. Like, Mike's like, what's up? You guys got paid? Where? Where were you? Here? Did you leave? Yes, I come, but then I leave. Well then where? Who? What? What have is it? It is his guy, but he doesn't know. He does not know, sir. And it's like you do that thing where it's like, you don't fight, you're pissed as shit. And then like two minutes, two minutes worth of him, I tell him to come and. But he does not know where. And you're like, you do that. Fuck it. God damn it. This guy fucking. The guy looked like Ralph Mouth. I'd still be laying into him all the way back to the hotel. You get a thing where. What do you mean? You came here and then you left? Why did you leave? But you can never do that. Because. No, he says he's good, you know, it's like you can never, never get an ounce out of those guys. Although that picture you just saw was in front of our hotel, which was a great. Now the reason the guy looks pissed is cuz he is. We got out of the car and the guy's like, you paid me. And Mike's like, it's already been taken care of. And he's like, no. And Mike goes, fuck off. The guy's like, what? No, you pit. And Mike goes, call your boss. And he's like, no, you wait here. And Mike goes, no. And we just walked. We all just went into the hotel and went for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Then were you like, I hope we took everything of ours out?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Now in between all of this fucking, you know, 21 hour day, I'm walking through the airport in Toronto and my cell phone rings after we get through customs. And it's just a number. I don't recognize an 818 number. And I Get the. Hey, Adam, how you doing? And I said, jay. Yeah. Oh, Jay, what's going on? Hey. Playing the Borgato tomorrow night, Saturday night. I said, yeah, Atlantic City. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be there too. He says. I says, oh, awesome. Yeah. You wanna catch a ride? I said, catch a ride? Yeah. You wanna ride with me in his what? That's what I'm trying to think. I'm like, I think we're going. We're landing in Philly. They're sending a limo. The Borgato sending a limo. Limo. We're driving 65, 80 miles to the Borgado. And then I get to stay at a nice suite at the Borgado before we do the show. And then we're leaving and a carriage ride with Jay. By the way, the flight. If you want to know what the flight was for Sunday, it was 7:30am out of Philly. Borgado is basically distant. Santa Barbara is from here. Be like leaving Burbank at 7. I don't know what time you have to leave. Leave the Borgato to catch a 7:30 flight. I'm told 5am 5am, 5am after your.

[Allison Rosen]

Show at the Brigado, you have to.

[Brian Bishop]

Get after the show, fly back to LA. Yeah, and fly back to LA Southwest with a layover in St. Louis. That's the flight. That's the flight for Sunday. I mean, I don't know. First off, you can't get further than really Atlantic City away from and into LA LAX after Carmageddon.

[Allison Rosen]

Why do you book such early flights for yourself, especially coming the other way? Seems like with the time difference, you'd want to just take a 10am I will tell you.

[Brian Bishop]

I have said to Mike August, my decree is this, let's get the fuck out as early as goddamn possible. Because I'm either going to get three and a half hours sleep or I'm going to get six hours sleep. Either way, I'm fucked. Like I'm sleepy. I'm gonna get down to that lobby and I'm not gonna remember it the next day. I said, let's walk through our front door back in la. I don't wanna walk through the front door at four in the afternoon and have the day shot. We leave as early. Shit. As painful as it is, I walk through the front door 10:00am A lot of the time, and it's only because we did an insane thing. But to me, you either get a good night's sleep or you don't. And it doesn't matter whether you meet down in the lobby at 5am or 7:15, I'm still gonna be pissed off. Like I never. I'm not gon feel like playing tennis. So I'm like, fuck. I'm like, just make it as early as you can. And I'll just. It'll just be one more story from the road and I'm going to walk through and see my kids that much sooner and by the way, take a 14 hour nap. But either way, it'll be in my own bed. Yeah, so I'm like, I'm looking forward, I'm looking ahead to this 5:00am departure from. And then the, and then the hour and a half ride into Philly and then the layover in St. Louis and.

[Adam Carolla]

And 5am is even earlier if you're in California.

[Brian Bishop]

I got Jay on the other line. Yeah, don't you want to catch a ride? I said, what kind of. What are we driving in? Like when you're standing like steamers? No, no, you fly and fly out with me. I said, fly out with you. When are we. Sunday morning? No, no, fly out Saturday night. I said, from, from Philly? No, we fly out of Atlantic City. I said, so how's it work? You know, we just finish a show and just get in a limo and go to the airport. You sleep in your own bed tonight? I was like, oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[David Koechner]

This is awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

This is gonna be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, couple questions, technical questions. Number one, was he playing the same venue as you, like after, before?

[Brian Bishop]

No, he was playing opening the upstairs Mega Room and I was playing the downstairs trough, you know, or whatever it was. I was playing the, the antechamber. I was playing like the Music Box at a nice theater. There's. There's the Music Box. That's where I was playing.

[Allison Rosen]

You were the JV game. He was the varsity game.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah. And it was like, it was like I play the 1200 seater, whatever. 1100 seater, whatever it was down there. And then he plays the mega whatever Beyonce plays directly above me. Directly above.

[Allison Rosen]

You can hear the laughter. So I'm like, another question, sorry. Was there any mention on his part or consideration on your part for your travel partners? That too, but for your Mike. And Mike.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, now they don't have. They're not going Burbank to Phoenix. Their fucking thing is Donner Pass esque on a misery index. I mean, leaving 5:00am I mean, anytime you have way over an hour drive before you even get to the airport, which is on the east coast and a layover in St. Louis and you're flying southwest. I mean, you just can't imagine they have a like 14 hour travel odyssey ahead of.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a fucking John Hughes movie.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I know, it really is.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't want to deprive them of this.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but, you know, I don't know what you know. So I said, so what's going on, Jason? I got a couple friends with me and some were like, trying to do the math. What's a couple friends? We're trying to figure out the guys he works with, the riders, he's gonna be riding on the plane. So he says, yeah, catch a ride with me. So I said, well, what is. How's it work with you? When are you. What time's your show? Says 8:00. By the way, every single show I do is at 8:00. This one's at 9, which is weird.

[Adam Carolla]

But either way, intimate vibe awaits. According to the. The poster we just saw. Yeah, nine is more intimate.

[Brian Bishop]

More intimate. And now I'm kind of weird. So I'm like, my show starts at 9. He's like, oh, because I can tell you what's to get the fuck out of the second the show's over. He goes, how long do you do? And I'm like, 90 minutes. 90 minutes? Like, yeah, well, I'll keep it. Like, well, I'll give like an hour 25 for you. Yeah. And he's like, all right, well, you know, after the show, we'll just leave. I was like, oh, okay. So I hang up the phone. Like, all right, fellas. Got some possible good news, but potentially devastating. Also, to make things worse, my cousin, who I barely know, Maria or Marie, we're not, you know, the Corollas aren't tight. Who lives in the Philly area is coming out to see the show. I sign books and say hi to and come backstage and take pictures with and Every single show. Yeah, you know, this guy's a friend at Donny's. He emailed, come backstage, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Every single show, except for the one show a family member showed up to, which was I could not go outside and say hi to her. And I could not wait backstage until I had to. I had my luggage packed and it was just beeline for Leno's dressing room. So I. Now, here's the irony. A couple ironic things. One, so I'm like, hang up the phone with him. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. This is. I don't know how he found. He was. Found out I was playing there. And he's like, come on in the jet. And I was like, what a fucking mensch, you know? And then also unbeknownst to me, there's a message at home waiting for me, for him, saying, I really checked out the car show. I really love the car. It's a hot show. I really enjoyed you on the show. Well, Wednesday night, 7:00, by the way. And so I'm like, Jesus Christ, what a guy. I go into my room now, it's like, it's, you know, 12, 12, 15. I go into my room, just kick off my shoes, turn on the TV set. There's Howard Stern and Leno. No, sorry, Howard Stern and Letterman talking about what an asshole Jay is. It was that one where he's like, Jay's such an ass. Jay. You gotta, Dave, you gotta beat Jay. Jay's. I hate that guy. He's so horrible. It's the craziest thing in the world. I'm always having an out of body surreal experience where I'm just watching stories tear Leno a new asshole for what a two faced ass wife he is and just what a horrible guy. And Letterman, Letterman can't join in. But he's not stopping it either. Not saying, no, you do your 20 minutes of what an asshole Leno is. I was like, I just hung up the phone with a guy. I couldn't be happier with his activities at this point. It was almost surreal just to see. Then I switched the channel and there's Leno with Bryan Cranston sitting next to him, who I was just on stage with. I have this. I'm toggling back and forth between poor Leno being called an asshole by Stark and then Cranston, who I just stood up on stage with for an hour and a half. And it was this weird, like, what the fuck? Like, wow, how small. What are we living in? Snow globe, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like your brain is on tv.

[Brian Bishop]

So, all right, so now we meet down in the lobby at 7 o'clock for our 8:30 flight out of Philly. No telling how long the custom lines is gonna be. And it's long, super long. And I'm 10 minutes late because my phone alarm inexplicably is doing cricket sounds instead of. Which makes you sleep more.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that marimba?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, instead of marimba. Yeah. So we get this line. It's huge. We have an 8:30 flight. It is. This is the line. It is.

[Adam Carolla]

No hot girl.

[Brian Bishop]

No hot girl this time, but plenty replaced by smelly guy, smellier guy.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst part about that is the girl's a fleeting thing. She passes you and she's gone. The smelly guy, he lingers for four.

[Brian Bishop]

Or five in your fucking frontal lobes for the next 80 years. You can quantify from the picture. You can see that There's a number 11 or 10 illuminated. That was. There was 10 numbers, 10 lanes open. Out of 34, right? If you look to the left of the 10, there's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. None of them lit up. 10 out of a possible 34 not lit right now. Later on when I arrived back, we'll talk Carmageddon. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a whole story.

[Brian Bishop]

But the point is they finished early. Why? Because they get money right now. Why are only 10 of 34 possible open?

[Adam Carolla]

Because they don't get money.

[Brian Bishop]

Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck, right? So it is now we have an 834 flight. It is an 8:30 flight from Toronto to Philly. The next flight, this is like Pulp Fiction.

[Allison Rosen]

You're bouncing around time.

[Brian Bishop]

The next.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not yet in Philly.

[Brian Bishop]

Not yet in Philly. We're still in Toronto Saturday morning. This is Saturday morning. The next flight, Mike August says, is at 3pm we are standing in this fucking behemoth of a line and it is literally, literally 8:20. And it's like, we're not gonna make this flight. And by the way, I don't know if we can get on the 3:00 one. And then I don't know what time that puts us into. Not into Philly. And then who the fuck knows what's gonna happen? And we finally break through security. We finally get through the customs and then we gotta go through security. And like, it is now 8:30. It's like the flight. It's time for the flight to leave. And I'm yelling at Mike, leave your belt, leave your shoes. Yes. Leave everything. Leave everything behind and run. Run to the gate and tell them there's people behind. We get through customs? Yes. Mike and I get through customs. And then we just look back in the distance and see Mike lynch being escorted into another room, holding his hands up like, what's going on? And Mike August is like, where's he going? And I'm like, he's being pulled out of line. What do you mean? On Arcade, he's dead already. Centipede and have a bunt cake. Like, where do you think? He's being pulled out of line. Where's he going? Fucking idiot. He's being pulled out of line. So we get to the gate and it's like, yeah, thanks for holding it. Thanks for waiting for us. I will say this about the Canadians.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they hate Mike Lynch.

[Brian Bishop]

We're waiting. They. Canadian Airlines was like, yeah, we're waiting. We waited for you. Whereas LAX would have been. Sir, I'm gonna. Sir, we can't open the door. Sir, once the door is closed, we cannot reopen the door. You understand, sir, what I need you for me to step away from the, from the counter, right? No, no, no. They were like, yeah, man, that line was long. And we waited and lynch is being pulled off into a separate room. And so now it's like, well, what are we gonna do? And I'm like, well, we're getting on the plane and like, what's lynch gonna do? It's like, I don't know. But we're not all just gonna hang out and miss this flight. If he has to catch the 3 o'clock, he can catch. If there is such a thing. We can't really remember. Mike is like, I think there's.

[Adam Carolla]

If this is not the last flight ever to leave Toronto.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, because I'm like, why the fuck are we leaving so early? This is the one time not going home the next day. Why do I have to get to Atlantic City at noon? You know? And he's like, because the next flight is cutting it too close. I can't remember when it is, but it's well into the after. And so at this point it's not looking good for lynch. It's after 8:30. It's an 8:25 flight. We're on the plane now and I just go, Mike Ox, by the way, couple things they do in Canada.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, ketchup chips.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. And thirdly, they go, by the way, it's a non smoking flight and they move on. They don't go tampering with, disabling, destroying the lav smoke detector is blah, blah, blah. You know why? Because they said it was a non smoking flight. They don't have to take the bathroom and turn it into international waters. Once you announce this is a non.

[Adam Carolla]

Smoking flight, it covers all parts of the plane.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, yes it does.

[Adam Carolla]

Does that mean I can get underneath my seat and light up?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Does that mean I can climb into the overhead cabin? No.

[Brian Bishop]

No. And it means if you destroy the smoke detector in the bathroom, you're going to jail. But the point is they just go non smoking flight. And Mike lynch and I on the way out or the way in or something, I remember someone's, oh yeah, that's all they need to Say, very easy. So Mike is left behind and we're on the plane and I say to Mike, August, stewardess is friendly. Like, it's weird, it's eerie. It's equivalent.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what's equivalent to some room. And you're commenting on the stewardess being friendly?

[Brian Bishop]

No. Well, I think we can use her in our scheme. What I'm saying is, is when you get used to. When you get used to living in LA and that just becomes the norm, and it's like every once in a blue moon, you try to use the bathroom at a Shell station and you get the no, t'natev. You must put the deposit down. And then every once in a while, you drive through Green Bay and there's some fat blonde chick buying the count. It's like, oh, yeah, sure, go ahead. And you're like, wow, wow. It's a culture shock. It's a huge. Well, La Canada. The fucking stewardess is like. She's friendly. She's like, oh, yeah, It's a bad line. Sorry, you know, that's it. Not. Sir, I'm gonna need. Sir. Sir. So Mike just gets up and goes, hey, our friend is left behind. And do you think you could hold the flight and wait for a friend to come out? She's like, well, let me see. Let me. Not like, sir, I'm gonna sit down, sir. You know, it's just like, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's completely. By the way, she does Alaska Airlines. Are you fucking listening to me? But the fat cunts you employ over there who go out of their way to give everyone who buys a fucking ticket on your piece of shit airline the stink guy. This is exactly the opposite. It's like, what they should do. Like, oh, hey, we have customers. We have another customer has been detained. We would love to be as accommodating as we possibly can to this customer so that he will then fly our airline again. Again, versus Alaska, where they fuck with you. But she's like, you know what? Let me see if someone's still at the gate. It's not, sir, the door's closed, sir. No one said there's nobody at the gate. I don't know why they left. She goes, gets off the plane, like, walks around to the front, does whatever. The point is, she waits, we call Mike and we get the American guy, the customs guy who's yelling at him in the background. Sir, hang the phone up. Sir, hang the phone up. That's. That's ours. That's US made. That's made in the usa. The big dick who's pulled the new face of Al Qaeda out of the line is fucking yelling him. So we got the Canadian side on our side now. If we had two Americans, we're totally fucked. Doors already closed. Sir, I'm gonna need you and then fucking dick over there in customs. Sir, hang the phone up. Sir. Sir, hang the phone up again. He's a criminal. Just look at the man's face. So we yell them like, hurry, hurry, we're holding the plane. And. And you know, he has to hang up because the guy's going to. Sir, gonna need you to. For me right now. And she holds a blade. And they get. Mike makes it on. And then we fast forward to the now. Now, Leno, he has an 8 o'clock show. He lands at 6 in Atlantic City. He does the show. He's on the plane by 10. That's the way it works. And we gotta go to Jay. Jay doesn't get a room. Jay just has a dressing room. Just walks right to the dressing room. This place is huge and cavernous. Jay's in his room, and these poor guys are like, please, dear God, let us get on that jet. I don't want to be in the lobby at 5am and have a layover in St. Louis and fly two Southwest flights. And. And I said, I'll go in there and talk to him. I'll try to feel it out. I'm not gonna fucking put the screws in. The guy offered me a free flight, you know, but I'll see. Said what kind of plane it is. Maybe there's enough room for you guys, you know, I don't know. So they're both standing in the hall as I'm walking in. As I'm walking down the hall into Jay's room, Jim Norton's very elderly parents come walking the other direction. And Jay's like, security guy's like, Jim Norton's parents are visiting. Want to visit with Jay. And I'm like, all right. And so we both sort of funneled in. And so now it's like me and Jim Norton's parents in their mid-70s, no Jim and then Jay. At first, I'm thinking about a crazy sexual deviant their son constantly talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was wondering if they're covered in urine. That was the first thought I had.

[Brian Bishop]

It was just crazy. And they're like, hi, Jay, how are you? We're big fans. And I'm like, hi, Jay. And. But I'm trying to figure out when to jump in with my two friends. Are Waiting in the hall. And I didn't want to bring them in because I don't want to do the weird guilty puppy in the window thing. I just wanted to, like, you guys just wait out there. So they're just pacing around back there like they could. They're either going to have to. We're either out of here in two hours on a private jet, landing in van Nuys at 2am and back in our own beds or it's lax in St. Louis and blah, blah, blah. And. And wait for him to talk to Jim's parents for a few minutes and did the. You know, no pressure, but just traveling with a couple guys if there is. And he's like, well, we didn't really have the room. I only had one seat for you, buddy. And I was like, all right, okay, fine. Went back the hall, like, did that thing a surgeon does, you know, like, sorry, you're gonna have to lance your friends. Did everything I could. Everything I could. That was that. Nothing we could do. Nothing we could do. So when Pesci found out he wasn't a made man and De Niro was in the fight and that's that.

[Allison Rosen]

And he's gone.

[Brian Bishop]

He's gone and there's nothing anyone could do about it. And that's that. That was that. So I felt bad, but that was that. I walked off of the stage at 10:30. I was in the air before 11 and then about 3am speeding toward my house in a Fiat with Jay behind me, the. Behind the wheel. Taking the freeway and turning off right before the Carmageddon thing. The taking the 405 and seeing where it was blocked off. But it was 3am and there was nobody on the roads and slept in my own bed. Yeah, good point.

[Allison Rosen]

So no after show signing that show.

[Brian Bishop]

Obviously felt horrible for my cousin Marie or Maria, who I could not go out and say hi to. It seemed like the biggest dick in the world. I literally.

[Adam Carolla]

You have nothing to catch.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he already waited an hour. I didn't want to make him wait another hour. Like, I literally just walked off stage, grabbed my Sams night and said to Mike, and I'm sure the plane was gonna crash by the way. After all this, I said to Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

And yet you were willing to take that chance.

[Brian Bishop]

Still better than olay over in St. Louis. I said, mike. And Mike, see you on the other side, buddy. Sorry. And we took off and that was that.

[Adam Carolla]

Now why did. What I need to know is why did lynch get pulled over by customs? Is it because of his shifty beard.

[Brian Bishop]

Random screening complet random. It wasn't for anything. They didn't check anything. They just took my passport.

[Adam Carolla]

Check your butt.

[Brian Bishop]

And made me sit there for five minutes and then said, what were you in Canada for? I said I was here to see a show. I dropped Adam's name and they were okay and let me go. Right. Meanwhile, our flight was 8:25 and you were pulled out of customs at what time? 8:25. Yeah, I mean it was like, there's no way we're making this flight. It's only because Canadians are decent people. Like everyone in that fucking city is just like, thank you. Hi. Polite, friendly. At one point, I actually got on the phone again with August to find out that the. That you guys were holding. That they were holding the flight. When they finally got my turn to speak to the customs guy, I said, you know, they're holding the flight for me. This is the guy who yelled at me about the phone earlier. Said, how'd you know that? Yeah, someone texted me. Yeah, does your explosive device. We're such dicks. United States were such dicks compared to Canadians. They're so much nicer.

[Allison Rosen]

What airline was it?

[Brian Bishop]

I think it was Air Canada. Flew out of there. It was Air Canada, I do believe. Yeah, well, credit where credit's due.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, we're bagging on airlines.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah, yeah. No, I think I said Canadian Air or Air Canada or whatever it was. But yeah, nice, friendly stewardesses or the flight attendants, actually helpful, good. And good folk. Uh huh. All right, Ace Hotel Palm Springs, that is coming up this Thursday. House of Blues, Las Vegas on the 6th. And Borderline Thousand Oaks, August 12th.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm going to Vegas a couple days before that and checking out the weather report because the 15 day weather report is at 113 degrees.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah, nice. On that bald head of your.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels like 108.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a dry heat, like lava.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, we got our guests to bring out. I want to talk about my good friends that go to my PC. Got a little contest going on. I don't know if you guys are hip. IPads are great, but it doesn't replace your computer. Unless. Until now. That's right. Go to my PC app. You can go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix turns your iPad into your computer. Jesus Christ. What freedom. What freedom? Work on any program or save or edit or send any file right from your iPad. This week you can win an iPad2, by the way, and a free year. Go to my PC so you get the iPad And a free year of GoToMyPC.

[Adam Carolla]

How?

[Brian Bishop]

How, pray tell? Yes, you can check out the Go to my PC video on our homepage and follow the instructions. I'll pick the winner July 26th. So you follow the [e-mail], i'll pick a winner. And if you don't win, we're still all winners because we get go to my PC free for 45 days. That's. That's right. Try it for free 45 days. Download the app from the App Store, then visit Go to my PC. Click on the Try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right. And as we said before, the Amazon, it's back up and running. Things have been modified. But that doesn't. Don't worry. You're pretty little. Head over it. Keep supporting the show. Use the Amazon link on our website. Bookmark it. Whatever you were doing in the past, just keep on keeping on. You're going to keep supporting the show. Show. Or try the Groupon. Groupon. Yeah. You can support the show that way. Use the link on our website. Great deals and they're all local to you. I just checked it out. There was one on there. It's like a round of golf, you know, Instead of like 98 bucks, it was like 48 bucks. It's insane.

[Allison Rosen]

One of the first Groupons I ever bought was the Hot Shave.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Bright and Shave company. Yeah, it's fantastic.

[Brian Bishop]

It's great. It's like, it helps local businesses, it helps us, and it helps you. It's just the easiest thing you could do. Groupon. Check it out on our website. All right. Should we take a break and bring Jennifer in here? Yeah, I'm a fan of hers.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too.

[Brian Bishop]

I was watching some Celebrity Rehab and I was actually watching the Borgata right before I headed down and love the show. Love Jennifer. And she gets into it with the people on that show. And I've seen her brought to tears more than once. Perhaps we could do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was going to say. Is that your goal?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I do want to talk to her. So quick break and hear talk some about Dr. Drew and Jennifer Jimenez from Celebrity. Yeah. Now, did she do the Jimenez or the Jimenez?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's Jimenez.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm going Jimenez, too. Yeah. Celebrity Rehab next. Yeah. Get it on back with Jennifer Jimenez. I enjoy it. Well, Sober House, I guess, is where I fet. I fet met cross between fucking and meeting. We first met. We first met Jennifer at Sober House and I was a big fan of yours on that. And I watched that show, and I saw how invested you were in it. But then there was a part of me that always thought, she's mixing it up with these people. Like, there's, like, they're all dicks, no doubt about it. And, like, you know, you have curfews or no cell phones after whatever. Whatever it is. And they're horrible. But yet you were dancing to the retarded Piper. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I do know what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

You're engaging with them.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

You know, what had happened was, first of all, the first season, like, I wasn't. I was just kind of gonna be, like, the person who enforced the rules and not be, like, a major part, key player of the show. But coming into. Yeah, £257, by the way, right there. Coming into the show with Steven Adler, like, me checking his bags. I'd never worked in recovery. It was just another recovering alcoholic addict helping them, you know, because that's what people do in sober living. It's like, you don't have to be in treatment necessarily. I mean, you don't have to work in treatment. So I go and I'm looking through the bags and, like, there's open needles in my hands with heroin and whatnot. So, you know, you have to, like, take care of every. You know, make sure that the rest of the house is okay. Right. And, you know, I did get in their faces a lot, but they would just push the limit.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I know you. You got into their face a lot, and it was compelling television. But there's a part of me that, as a sort of student of psychology, realized, oh, you were dancing, as I said, with them. Like, you were engaging. I'm sure Drew would say, like, don't. They will try to suck you in. Don't be a player hater. They're addicts.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah. No, no. He would say that, and then he would say, no, you need to enforce the rules. Like, you need to. I needed to own that, and I needed to own that house that I was running. But then there was times I would let things go, and then there was other times I just couldn't do it. And it is. It's like dancing with the devil, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Now you're how many years sober yourself?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Five and a half years.

[Brian Bishop]

Five and a half years. So you start off as a model, and you're doing music videos and acting.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

And covers of magazines.

[Brian Bishop]

Covers of magazines. Working with Rick Ashlin. No, doing videos, music videos for Prince, Tupac, Mick Jagger?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah. I played his love interest.

[Brian Bishop]

Which one? Mix.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Mix, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Yeah, Yeah, I could see it now. How old were you when this is going on?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I was 13 actually, when I got discovered by Bruce Webber. And 22.

[Brian Bishop]

The guy makes the grills. Or is this some sort of photographer?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He was a photographer. He was a photographer.

[Brian Bishop]

So nothing with grilling?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Would he photograph grills ever? Let her answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Topless.

[Brian Bishop]

Just the grill with big steam coming out. It's nice. You put the brats on there. No, I'm hungry. Let's do some news. No, I'm kidding. So anyway, you're discovered by a photographer named Bruce Weber. But not even related to the grill guy at all. No.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Who's a grill guy? There I go, I ask, who?

[Brian Bishop]

Weber Grylls. Man, she just lost a bunch of money and you don't. Okay, all right. So anyway, he got. He discovers you.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He discovered me on Santa Monica Pier and literally I became in like over.

[Brian Bishop]

When you were 12. 13. 13?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Cause you must have been wildly exotic. I mean, you're wildly exotic now, but I mean, at 13, it was really insane. And it's all lips and eyes.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah, I mean, like I was. I hadn't even hit like puberty really yet. And I was on Santa Monica Pierre with my mom, my brother, and he was like, I'm a photographer and I'd really love to shoot your daughter. Can I shoot you?

[Brian Bishop]

Is he gay?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay. It was funny. I had this. Had this conversation with Mike lynch in the airport when we were looking at Scarlett Johansson for, like, as a model for some, you know, I don't know, handbags or something like that. A bunch of pictures. And I didn't know it was her. Like, they make them look so different. I noticed a little bosom and I was like, oh, hey, finally we get a little bosom on one of these waif models. And then I said, wait a minute, is that Scarlett Johansson? And Mike lynch said, yeah, yeah, it is. And I said, wait a minute, how come there's no bosom on any of these models? Like, I mean, it is flat. I mean, these are teenage boys. And he was like, who do you think's picking them out? I was like, oh, that's right. Homos are picking them out. And I'm like, oh, yeah, of course. They all look like 14 year old males. Thanks, homos.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

[Brian Bishop]

Because that's who's picking them.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

When I look back at the pictures that I shot, like with him, I'm like, with another girl, like Face to face. They cut all my hair off and, you know, one's grabbing my ass and I'm 13, you know, and I didn't know what gay was then. Like, I kept calling him Papa Smurf. Like, I'm like, he's so sweet. Like, no, he's gay.

[Brian Bishop]

But you immediately start. How long does it. Got a little gia going on over there. How long does it take before you start with the booze and the drugs and the scene?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Well, I started drinking. I took my first drink at 12. I'd say about 14, 15. The drinking started progressing and pot and whatnot. Cocaine, about 18. And that was it, like, downhill. That was a drug for me.

[Brian Bishop]

You got into that?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I got into it.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I will say cocaine is yummy. If there are any kids listening. Like, if you ever do good cocaine and. What do you mean, like, good cocaine? I mean, stuff that's not been stepped on with a bunch of speed or baby laxative or something. Like, when you do, like, good, real cocaine, you go, oh, yeah, yeah. Like, I get it. I know what people are talking about now. Like, I understand why people are into this shit. You've never.

[Adam Carolla]

I just scratched an itch I didn't even know I had.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. I didn't think I could get to that part of my brain. And you've never fucking felt better. More alive, more confident, more. Any. And I don't mean sloppy or any. Like, you're not fighting with a coat rack or anything. I just mean you're just like, oh, this is good. Yeah, I fucking love you. And I love him. And let's go.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's yummy.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then it gets really bad. It got ugly in the end, like.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, the thing that's always weird about the coke is. And when people would stay up for four days straight and stuff like that, be like, that was you.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Seven.

[Brian Bishop]

Seven days. Like a Navy seal.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Except for high and worm.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Seven days.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Seven days. That was the longest. That was crazy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I mean, you just get into this weird fugue state. You don't even know things are talking.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

To you that are not there. And. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. So you. You clean now, so. Well, I don't know how old you are now.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I'm 33.

[Brian Bishop]

33. So you at 28 or.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

So I start, yeah. But I had been getting sober since I was 20.

[Brian Bishop]

Had there been a good rock bottom moment?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

There was a lot of little rock bottom moments, like, where people didn't want to work with me or I just couldn't show up to work. And I was like, that's my rock bottom. And then it was, oh, I lost the guy and the job, too. And then it was like, I lost all my money, the guy, and, you know, no work. And then there just came this thing where, like, everything looked good on the outside. And I was sober for a few years, like, maybe years. And it was like I was living this lie, like, the sham in me. Like, I was just a big sham. And it looked great on paper. Like I still had it all going on on the outside, but inside I.

[Brian Bishop]

Was just like a piece of shit you lost. Speaking of losing things, you lost, like, 125 pounds recently. Yeah. It's insane. How'd you do that?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Well, after being called fat bitch every single day.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just kidding.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

That. No, after.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

After being called fat bitch every single day on Sober House, Drew, sometimes I hate it when he does that to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I worked with him, too. Yeah. I get out of control. Dr. Drew in the hisy. Yeah, he gets a little rough when the mics are turned off. I'm telling you, I just.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I never knew he could. He burped or ate until I started doing Sober house with him. And, like, he'd burp. I'm like, you burp?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. Oh, he can be windy, too. Whatever. I don't always come out that in. Yeah, no, that's the. When you're dealing with. With shifty or whoever, when you're dealing with these people. Like, when you're going. When you're going to withdrawals and you're freaked out and pissed off later person could be five, six pounds overweight. You're gonna start with fat and then fill in the blank afterward. You're packing extra £800. You're getting fat.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Bit fat will lead everything fat ct, you know, But. But I was in such denial. Like, when I was a supermodel, I'd be on covers of American Elle Vogue, you know, these things. And I would literally look in the mirror and see a fat elephant. And then when I got into, like, total body dysmorphia, then I just.

[Brian Bishop]

A regular sized elephant, but a husky.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

One, fat one, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Because they go, you know, eight, 10,000 pounds just to trim.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

One that runs like, 10Ks.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Ones that are in, like, village stock, they go thousand pounds.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You're saying a husky foreign elephant.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Elephant, yes, yes. Like, yeah. The ringleader of all ringleaders. And then when they told me in this time around in recovery, because I've Been battling. Like, I've always hid my recovery and I've hidden my disease. And this time they were like, no hurting yourself, no hurting anyone else. No drinking, no using, no relationships and no sex. And I was like, no sex. Like, you know, and they said we're gonna dig deep. And. And I was like, all right, whatever. Cause I couldn't do it on my own. You know, I always cleaned up really well and then never dealt with inside stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

So this time around I did. And I'm grateful now that I had that weight because it protected me. Like, I didn't. I lost everything.

[Brian Bishop]

What were you at your max 257?

[David Koechner]

Move the weight, Chubby.

[Brian Bishop]

That helps in the no sex department. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But I did get in this relationship that I'm no longer in now that I lost the weight. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, I. We just definitely. We definitely just ended, but.

[Brian Bishop]

You definitely ended. But how much did you weigh when you got with the 257? Oh, really? NBA forward? What team does he play for? I gotta figure out. Definitely a brother. Ooh, black guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of web, Chris Webb.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn.

[Allison Rosen]

Juan Howard.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't find.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's one of the fat bucks.

[Mike August]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

And what's it. But by the way, what sort of maniac hooks up with a ex model who balloons up to 257 pound and then trims her back down 125 pounds and then breaks up then.

[Adam Carolla]

Chubby chaser.

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus Christ. There's something going on there.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Somebody who liked people really sick, but not to say anything bad about him.

[Brian Bishop]

Nah, he said the light, I'm sure. No, there are guys who want the sort of damaged good. So they get to constantly be on top. Like there's. There's a couple of choices you can make in your relationship. You can, you know, if you're a seven, you can seek out another seven and have a sort of balanced relationship. Or you can go for nine or 10. But that means you're gonna be following them around and checking their voice messages and all that kind of shit.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Or you can go down and like, oh, that person's never. Or you can do what Brian does, which is think you're a nine when you're four point whatever. You fooled Christie.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

You know, as I got better, it got weird and it was. Yeah, it just didn't work in the end. And I wanted a partner like what you're saying, you know, seven to seven. Like I just wanted a partnership.

[Brian Bishop]

And so all the weight how was all that lost?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Started walking on a treadmill, then jogging, running, went to a nutritionist. And then Dennis Rodman actually helped me on the second season. We trained every day together.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He helped me a lot. And then I went and I started training with a woman afterwards and she taught me how to eat correctly too. And after the season of Celebrity Rehab wrapped, I. I went on an eating clean thing where like no butter, no oils, everything organic.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Everything measured. It was a nightmare. I was a nightmare. But I lost the last 23, 25.

[Brian Bishop]

Pounds and now is Drew. Drew says he doesn't know if he's coming back with the sixth season. I guess, yeah, I don't know. And last I saw, when I was in my suite at the Borgata, by the way, The Hampton Bay or the Marriott? The Airport Marriott in Toronto. I slept in overnight. The room the size of my fist. The suite they gave me at the borgata on the 18th floor that overlooked the old the. That I had to leave that. I mean, I'm not. I know I can complain even flying a private jet with Leno, but I was sort of like, jesus Christ, I got a first class corner suite here with a beautiful view and I'm not spending a night.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you at least give it to your buddies?

[Brian Bishop]

Never thought of it.

[Allison Rosen]

This is one of your finer complaining moments. I was just thinking, how can I complain about the free ride back in.

[Brian Bishop]

The private jet, huge casino suite with a marble everywhere, Watching Drew on the TV set and everything and pow. I had to split. But yeah, I was watching. Let's see. Well, first off, what's his name? Oh, shit. Steven Adler keeps talking about the Long Island Lolita there. And he keeps working in like you think the fat gets worked in. I didn't shoot anyone in the head, last I checked. Gets worked in four syllables. Into every argument. There's like, I think you should share it, group. I don't feel like sharing now, Stephen. Well, at least I didn't shoot anyone in the head.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

You have no idea. It was like that. Oh, he says face the time.

[Brian Bishop]

That's all.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He's like, oh, please, Steven, stop. She would cry. It was like he would say, shoot in the face. She would cry like that's all that kept going on.

[Brian Bishop]

How I've seen the real victims are the people that have to stand around knowing that Adler is a. About to pull this out of his boot. This. At least I didn't shoot him in the face. Like you just have to stand there and go, please stop bringing that up all night long. Why can't he stifle himself?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He will. You know what happens? Eventually you find out that it's just a trigger for him. He keeps thinking of his mother, you know, flashbacks of everyone who betrayed him. Like, you know, and his bandmates and this and that. And like, I think really what it was is that she wouldn't open up and she didn't trust him. And I don't know, I mean, it was like I kept asking him, like, Stephen, seriously, what the heck is going on?

[Brian Bishop]

But also this thing too where they sit down for morning prayer or meditation or whatever and they're like, okay, Stephen, would you like to talk? What the hell is the Long Island? Loneliness.

[Adam Carolla]

Amy Fisher.

[Brian Bishop]

Amy Fisher. Amy, are you alright? Would you like to say anything? No. Do you think just share a little something with the group? No, not so much. Just a little something about how. How you feeling today, Amy? Rather not talk about it. You just shoot out a syllable and we could move on. And then Stephen won't have to scream, you shot someone in the face. Like there's an easy way around this.

[Adam Carolla]

You just go troubled by her and like you think she's emotionally withholding.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam. What? I'm going to shoot you in the face. I know what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm hearing a lot of anger. Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

No, just toss something out. We could move on. Like, she just literally, she's like, I'm just not up to it. Like, bitch, just toss it out.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But then she antagonizes him by saying, like I just said, I was some. I had a drinking problem. Possibly just to make Steven feel better. Like, really? Is that really the smartest thing to do?

[Brian Bishop]

It is. It is awesome. And also, I do like the people who shoot people in the face. It's like my whole life I've been judge. Yeah, yeah, we're society's funny that way.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I do have to tell you, I couldn't believe she never admitted, like, you know, I may have been wrong. Like, you know, Joey was wrong. Like, she and Joey were never wrong. Like, that was like something I used to cringe.

[Adam Carolla]

Mary Jo had it coming.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No, she had it coming.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I mean, it was the way she answered the door.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You had to be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I like a. Who is it? She didn't do that, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, no, I know. She answered the door like a bitch. Like I said. Totally. If it had been the FTD guy and he'd been packing, she would have. Same result.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, totally.

[Allison Rosen]

There was a no solicitor sign or anything? Nope. Shooting in the face sign. And I took issue with it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. All right. Well, Jesus goddamn Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask Jennifer a question? Because I am very curious about this when I watch the show, and you probably can't say too much, but of the celebrities who have been on Celebrity have been Sober house and such, most of them seem sort of down and out financially or at a crossroads career wise. However, some of them clearly have lots of money left. I know Steven Adler, for example, has made millions of dollars, and Dennis Rodman made tens of millions of dollars. A couple of.

[Brian Bishop]

He may have went through a few.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. How many of them of the celebs that have come through, who is doing okay financially? Like, maybe doing well financially? Can you say, like, just is not hurting?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I would say Steven Adler gets a lot in royalty, but he got taken for a lot of money from his mother. He would say that. I think he said that.

[Allison Rosen]

But he still gets a fifth everything for Eric for Destruction.

[Brian Bishop]

Eric Roberts seemed to be sort of generally seemed like he's all right. I mean, who knows? Who. Who's the cast this year?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I should. Michael Lohan. Amy. Sean Young, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Sean Young is Jeremy Jackson, who.

[Allison Rosen]

May have trouble cashing checks.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's weird. I actually started like Michael Lohan a little bit after he was talking about his trials and tribulations from prison on the last episode. It's a weird thing, sort of empathizing with Michael Lohan.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Isn't it weird? I felt the same way. Like, I. When. When I had first met him, we were doing this thing for cnn. I was like, in the room getting ready with the ladies. I'm like, I'm taking that bitch down. Like, I'm gonna eat him alive, like. And so we're on little screens, you know, and I'm saying something, he says something. I'm like, eye rolling, like I'm ready, right? And then all of a sudden, I say something. He's like, excuse me, Jennifer. You know, if and when my daughter dies because she suffers from the disease and me as a parent, and I'm like. And I'm like, thinking to my mom, I break. And yeah, just like, he gets to.

[Adam Carolla]

What a manipulative bastard.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He's so good at it. And on the show he's really great. And then you'll see, he's so crazy, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, good. I'm looking forward to that. Well, the thing I like about him is he's old school and he's from the east coast and he says a lot of stuff. Like, by the by, not for nothing, this is just one Jake Dawkin, but by the by, you want my two cents. Like, he prefaces a lot of his stuff with a lot of old timey. I want to explain. Yeah, he does a lot of that.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He's acting actually great. I mean, I don't have to spend a lot. You know, I talk to him still and whatnot. I think he's great. You know, I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

He was successful.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He was okay. He was. And then. Yeah. I mean, in recovery or in his life? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's.

[Brian Bishop]

Does he have a job? I mean, I don't that sort of meaning. I'm curious. Like, have the people to come through. Does he do something? Does he have a business trying to.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Do some different shit shows right now?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, you got the news there, Allison, Jennifer, you can just jump in, by the way. Live from the International News center, next to Donny's Mini Bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

So Carmageddon was this weekend and they were predicting it would be a 53 hour ordeal of closing the 404. And by the way, how fucked out is Carmageddon? I know a lot of people who are tired of it, but now even Villa Rugosa is referring to it as karma heaven because it was like Y2K. It was completely overblown. It was no big deal at all. There was never less traffic. And work on the 405 ended almost 24 hours early. They opened it up 7.

[Brian Bishop]

Morning. I don't want to correct your pronunciation of Villa Rugosa, but it's pronounced Tony Villar. That's his real name.

[Adam Carolla]

I took Spanish in school. Anyway, so here's a pronunciation question I have, which you might know. Adam Kiewitt, Infrastructure, Kiewit.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't speak Spanish. No, I don't know him.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, the contractor, Kiewit Infrastructure west, who was a project contractor, would have been liable for $72,000 for each hour delayed. However. However, because they finished the work early, they received an extra 300,000.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder why they finished early.

[Adam Carolla]

They're efficient workers.

[David Koechner]

They got all the right tools.

[Brian Bishop]

Why they finished early?

[Adam Carolla]

Because they got $300,000 to finish early.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. Wait a minute. I thought everyone just worked the same and everyone's just hard working and the same. I don't understand.

[Allison Rosen]

Seems the financial incentive worked here.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. In the 94 earthquake, when they like 2 mile stretch of the 10 collapsed, they did a thing where they're like, this freeway is going to Be closed down for almost a year. And it was like, Holy shit. The 10 freeway closed down for that period of time. Unthinkable. What they did was they got the contractor and they basically said, hey man, we'll give you 100 grand for every like week you finish before, you know, seven months or whatever guy ended up finishing the thing three months early and pocketing, you know, a couple million bucks. But it was like, yeah, incentive everyone. Do you understand how it works? That's what gets people moving. That's why the government is horrific. And that's why when you offer people incentives and by the way, incentives and, or penalties, either way, it's either money coming in the pocket or coming out of the pocket and or allowance, you get the chores done.

[Adam Carolla]

And it saved the city 400,000. Even with the bonus since paying workers for the additional 12 hour shift would have cost 700,000.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I drove right past the closed off thing like I said, At 3am on Saturday night, drove right onto the 101 and there's a huge accident right in the middle of the. There wasn't even any cars, right? Just big steam coming from and said, you know, now that everyone has a cell phone, it's like, eh, fuck it. You know, back when there'd be an accident, you'd have to like feel like, oh, I gotta call somebody, I gotta stop at a call box or something. Now every single human being has a cell phone. There's gotta be 30. I wonder what the average number of calls to 911 is when there's an accident. Especially when there's other people. I mean there must be multiple calls or everyone's thinking like me, yes, or.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone else is calling.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's have hope.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, signs were flashed as far as San Francisco and news outlets are being credited for spreading the word. Here's the thing. I was thinking, seeing how calm and peaceful it was, I was thinking, oh, this whole thing was overblown. However, if you think about a real apocalypse or a real Armageddon, it would be like that. There would be very little traffic.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm, yeah, when the meteor hits.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, a nuclear apocalypse.

[Brian Bishop]

Either way, I was out of town the entire time.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't get to enjoy it.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No, I drove right past it like a million times. Yeah, no, no traffic whatsoever. I know, all weekend.

[Brian Bishop]

I felt weird traffic on Thursday.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

You guys felt that too?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, yes, it was noticeable.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been feeling weird traffic this whole summer. Actually it's getting worse. But Thursday was bad.

[Brian Bishop]

But there's like a preemptive strike On Thursday, everyone got out of town or did something like it was crazy on Cahuenga Ventura Boulevard and went to Laurel Canyon. Like it was something going on. I was like, oh my. There's something very different going on. Like your body sort of clock. Your body clock is sort of wired into like, hey, it's 10:00am why are we backed all the way up Laurel Canyon here? And it's like there's something going on.

[Adam Carolla]

I had menstrual cramps and it wasn't my time.

[Brian Bishop]

Ooh, I was spotting.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope you made note of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, either way, something was going on on Thursday. And then by Friday, since we decided to cut out at 5am from my house, I couldn't tell if anything was going on or not.

[Adam Carolla]

I had decided to put off apartment hunting because I thought it was going to be insane. And then when I heard there was no traffic, I thought maybe I should be taking advantage of this. So I did a little bit. But I don't know, I think that it was less. It was like if you want to see what the city's like with zero traffic, that's what it was.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was easier to get around.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But they're doing that again in 11 months.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And who knows?

[Brian Bishop]

And I don't think people are going.

[Adam Carolla]

To do it again.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they're going to be onto it this time. Hey, tell me, Jennifer and Allison and Brian, how big should I be pissed or how big? My mom called me today and she did the. My mom does the. She doesn't really know how to compliment. You know, it's a lot of kind of stuff baked into the compost. Like a lot of prefaces, a lot of. She says a lot of, you know, I don't know anything about this but you know, like you can't just say this is good or that's good or you were funny or whatever it is. Or, you know, see, I'll get compliments. Like, you didn't seem nervous, you know, like thank you. You know, a lot of sort of break even stuff she said. John and I, it's my stepdad, John and I watched a car show and.

[Allison Rosen]

And she has cable now.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know how it works over there. Yeah, John liked it better than the other one. That was her first one. I guess that was Top Gears. I don't know if I went from a five to five and a half. John liked it better than the other one we both enjoyed. Was sort of complimentary. And then she had to stop and make it abundantly Clear that she doesn't like cars or car shows. Let's not let a conversation go by where I explain to you in no uncertain terms that I hate your passion. I will never. There's no one in my family who likes cars, and they will never not let me know just how much disdain they have for automobiles. And so it's like she said, now, I don't like car shows, of course, but when you were on, I thought you were good. So now it's kind of like, well, I'm on.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have a sense of humor, but I think you're funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I started thinking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I have a terrible sense of humor and I think you're funny.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought, why do you have to. Why do you have. Have to work that bit in? Like, I don't like car shows. Well, it's called the car show. But anyway, other than that, you were good. But why do you have to work that in? And then I said to Mike lynch, who was standing next to me, I said, first off, every fucking documentary I've ever seen in my life has been about something that I inherently wasn't interested in. But yet they did a good job of executing it, and thus I am. It's not. I watch 60 Minutes every fucking Sunday. I don't know what times. I'm not interested in counting time. Gang warfare. That's south of the border. They just do a good job of presenting it and it's interesting to see whatever story they're talking about. So why can't you just go, oh, it was good? Does you have to announce that you don't like that?

[Allison Rosen]

You should be flattered because she went out of her way to give you what she thought was a compliment, Fighting her instincts all the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Her instinct was to downgrade.

[Brian Bishop]

Just a natural. I don't like cars. Like, I don't like car shows. I don't like cars. Like, I know your mom. Far from. You own three cars in the 66 years you've been. You've been wandering around. No shit. You drove a VW square back my entire childhood. That had a vapor lock problem. No shit, you don't like cars. I get it. I get it. By the fact that you've never driven a performance car, you don't own a performance car, and you have never had more than one car. And literally, I average a used car every 14 years, and those are 14 years old. We get it. You're not Jackie Stewart. I get it. Why do you have to fucking work that in to everything so that you.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T get a big head. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

I know, okay. I'm passionate about cars. What if we just traded cars in for horses? I hate horses. Would you say that your mom would. No, she wouldn't. She'd probably love it. You know I wouldn't. But the point is, I love fucking cars. Can't you fucking have? How about I'm offended that you don't like cars?

[Adam Carolla]

You could be.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Did you say that?

[Brian Bishop]

No, we wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't engage.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Okay, thanks. Thank you. Thank you. It was fine. No, she was. It's nice. It was as good as it gets. I'm just saying, why do you have to work in that little part that says, I don't like cars or I don't like car shows, but I like shitty, but I like. I mean, no, I didn't cry, but I mean, like. And I think in her thing was, I don't like these kind of shows. And then I thought she was gonna say, but I like this one. But she said, I liked it when you were on.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's compliment ish. Yeah, it is a compliment, actually. It just wasn't feeling accomplisalt.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. All right, see, like, think of it this way.

[Adam Carolla]

Emotionally, you ran into some thugs in a dark alley, and they intimidated you and scratched you, but they didn't knock you out.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't have an eyeball leave its.

[Adam Carolla]

Orbital socket then dangle by the optical nerve as it will.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just saying, here's something. I am wildly passionate about cars. I own many cars, and some of the cars transcend, sort of gearhead stuff. Like, I own two of Paul Newman's race cars. You know, even if you're not into cars, you can still see Paul Newman's name all over the side of a car from the early 80s and go, well, that's interesting. Why not? Why not just go, hey, son. Curious. Show me this car. You know what I mean? Like, why. Why they have to like, made like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a proclamation is showing interest in your kids copies.

[Brian Bishop]

It's if my. It's. It's as if everyone in my family was repeatedly run over by like that. Like, was he like. It was like the movie Duel or something? Like they were like terrorized. Like they're all Dennis Weaver and they're terrorized by an 18 wheeler.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But my question is, why don't you say to her, like, mom, why can't you be a little bit more investor? That really hurts. That you don't care or have you Tried that. It didn't work.

[Brian Bishop]

It muses more than it hurts. But no. How would I know that she would say she's complimenting you? And she was. That was as good, by the way. That's as good as it gets. That was pretty damn good. She did. She watched it and she said, I like the thing. I just think this is weird thing where you have to slide in the disclaimer. You know, there's always the disclaimer like, I don't. Like, I don't usually watch, I don't whatever, but just say I liked it. And by the way, I bullshit people all the time, like, hey, caught your shit. There's good stuff. You know, moving on. You know, you don't have to get that specific. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I felt that A lot of people, I think, have that impulse to pay you, like three compliments with two insults woven in. And if the three compliments compliments, it feel great. I just prefer those.

[Brian Bishop]

And the insults are like, I can. It's one thing if it's a, like, legitimate critique. Like, if you're going, I watched a show and you know, I think you should do the first segment from the sitting with the guys and then break off and do the. Like. I can understand the critique slash, like, okay, this doesn't feel that good, but maybe this person has an idea, like making the product better. Whatever. Yeah, this isn't really a critique. This is just a little side jab just to make sure that, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like people that say to me, I didn't like you at the beginning, but I really like you now. I didn't vote. I wanted Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I get a lot of that. I was voting for Gina. But you've really. Now I'm a fan of yours. Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

I regret saying that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sorry. I told you many times, just so my wife, just so you know, she doesn't own a NASCAR team. She's going to make sure. Just a second. I'm not Jack Roush. I don't build high performance engines for a living. But all right. Anyway, it was funny, but I just did. I like the little side. I like the little side.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

My mom does that all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, her greatest. The greatest moment, as I've said, which is great. Which is. She came in wielding about six years ago, a Jon Stewart cassette. No. And she said, do you know this guy? He's funny. And I said, I do know him. As a matter of fact, he's a friend of mine. As a matter of fact, we have the same agent and she said, he's a little hit and miss. I swear to God. And she didn't even know she was doing it. She just. Poor Jon Stewart went from 10 to like, what does he ever do to her? He fucking slid down the scale. Right behind. Right. Get in line behind Pauly Shore in just a hot second was. He was on open because he's associated with you. I made the mistake of saying he was a friend of mine. Oh, all right. Well, guess he ain't funny anymore. And we never watched the tape and never talked about him again. And by the way, you ever want to shut my mom up about Jon Stewart or anyone else, just go. A friend of mine. Okay, forget it. Now into that discussion. No, where's he live? What's he like? What's your agent save? No, can you get a. Can I get my peachy folder autographed? Now they're just like, oh, that's done. Moving on. I didn't know you knew him. By the way, is there any other celebrities? You know, so I don't want to make the mistake of enjoying them on television before I like.

[Allison Rosen]

The next round is if she spiels you out first. She's like, do you know that Stephen Colbert.

[Brian Bishop]

Because I'd like to enjoy show. But if I find out that you friendly. Did you friendly or Hollywood friendly? Yeah, no, but understand the. This woman's mom, as I've told before, this woman's mom is the one who said, guess who I spotted at the supermarket today? I said, who did you spot? I spotted Bill Maher. I said, bill Maher? Bill Maher. He's a friend of mine. He does show quite a bit. He's a big man show fan. He's one of actually really only one of the few celebrity friends I have. Oh, do you think of him as a celebrity? I said, well, who fucking started this conversation? Why not just pick out Ted Johnson? You know, like Brian Crackers?

[Adam Carolla]

Guess what I saw.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, how would I know? You brought him up to me.

[Allison Rosen]

By definition, you bring him up.

[Brian Bishop]

He has to be some form of celebrity. You would have spotted him at the fucking Gelsons. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so then what'd she say?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't think of him as a celebrity. First off, brace yourself. You're not gonna see Cary Grant at the Gelsons in North Hollywood. I can tell you that right now. Who do you want, you think? Oh, yeah, I'm buddies with Clark Gable. Who do you consider celebrities?

[Allison Rosen]

He's just Bill to me.

[Brian Bishop]

You spotted him. That's a celebrity. Anyway. My poor mom Was raised by that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

So she got that woven into her DNA. And then, you know, then there's poor me after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Does she talk about how hard that upbringing was, or have you just assessed from looking?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy, does she.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, there's. I mean, there's some great telltale signs, like she doesn't call. She never called her mom. She calls her Helen, and that's not even. Her name's Sheila. Her name's Sue. No, she never called her mom, even as a kid. Well, she was child protective services and taken away. And Jennifer thinks she's the only one that had a rough time. I know my mom not spotted by any guy who invented a grill. I'll tell you that right now. I get the grill now. He was actually spotted. What's the guy's name?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Bruce.

[Brian Bishop]

Bruce Webber. Bruce Weber did spot my mom at 13 and said, Absolutely no mom dad on my studio. Thought it was exceedingly cruel at the time and not a great use of his time.

[Allison Rosen]

Not a great use of his stamp, either.

[Brian Bishop]

The no modeling. Go find the ones who should be modeling and talk to them instead of working the other way around.

[Adam Carolla]

But I was not discovered at the movie theater.

[Allison Rosen]

That was Bruce Weber's downfall. His assistant kept telling him, bruce, don't waste your time telling everyone who shouldn't be modeling not to model. Focus on the 2%.

[Brian Bishop]

Elle McPherson, stop extracting all the people who can't make it.

[Adam Carolla]

His thing was he'd be like, are you a model? Nope. Knew it.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's keep it that way. Yeah. So she had a tough go of it, you know, as a young person.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And then, you know, then that.

[Adam Carolla]

With her whole not being a model and not just looking like one.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. No Barbizon for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it Barbizon or Casablancas?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

They have both.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe the east is Casablanca out here. When I used to stay home from school, it was always the Barbizon School a mile and the Wally Thorpe School of Trucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't recall the Wally Thorpe School. They did not have ads for that in teen magazine.

[Brian Bishop]

Could have been Wally Thor or Wally Thorpe. That and a lot of Cal Worthington commercials. Yeah. It's always funny when you're 11 and you're like, $1,200 for a Vega. That seems reasonable. I remember thinking, like, I'm not gonna. It's impossible for me to drive this thing, but. So I see a lot of malt liquor commercials and used car commercials at 11. Like, one day.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Is he still alive?

[Adam Carolla]

His dog Spot, killed by a hippo. Dog's probably not.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He. He's gone.

[Brian Bishop]

He. Well, he was. He was gored by bull on his 102nd birthday. Shouldn't have been parachuting with the bull.

[Allison Rosen]

Should not have been a pawna.

[Brian Bishop]

Should not have been wing walking with the bull. So I think Cal Worthington still. May still be alive.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, pushing 150.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

You know, I want to say 100 years old commercial, like maybe six months ago. It. I was like, he still. I want to say I did.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if he's Calvin or Calvert.

[Brian Bishop]

He did a lot of wing walking. He had a hippo. And I remember they always carried their own papers too. So even if other dealerships told you no, the answer be B.

[Adam Carolla]

He had a dog named Spot. I don't remember.

[Brian Bishop]

Age 90.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Age 90.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

That'd be a great get for Celebrity Rehab.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's always great. It's always great.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think he's addicted to, by the way?

[Brian Bishop]

Here.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Andy Dick.

[Brian Bishop]

Who?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I saw you guys perform at the Improv in Brea.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I went that night.

[Brian Bishop]

Why should. I said. Did you say hi?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No, I didn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Well, yeah, I was. I was intimidated. I'm really. I was really intimidated by. I was really nervous coming in here.

[Brian Bishop]

Why? Why are you so nervous? I don't know.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

I don't know. Well, I kind of posted yesterday that I had a secret crush on you too. But like, I also. And I said I love. I love your wife too.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, away from a threesome. Keep going.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But I was there that night and I told him I was coming today. He told me to tell you hi, but he was on Celebrity Reveal, Sober House.

[Brian Bishop]

I love Andy Dick. And it's like he's a bi curious cat with nine lives and I feel like he's used up eight of them, man. And it's like, it's weird because he's talented, but that only so are a lot of other people that don't get to work anymore.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He's good three weeks right now. He wanted me to tell you.

[Brian Bishop]

He's good three weeks.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah, I saw him last night. He's fine for right now.

[Brian Bishop]

But here's the thing. Why? You know when you talk to him and he goes off, it's like it always involves cops and a public display and a grabbing a booby or something.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

It's always penises lately.

[Brian Bishop]

But how about you just stay home and get shit faced like me, you know?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah, he just blacks out.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what happens. He's such a good soul too, you know?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah, well, no, it's sad because I was getting phone calls the last three months saying, you know, even from Drew, like, okay, I'm really worried. I hear he's on the streets walking. And then I get phone calls from his friends going, I hear, you know, Andy's on Hollywood walking, you know, close to naked. And I'm like, I can't do anything. Like, that's not my job. You know, like, he knows not to contact me when he's bad. If he's good and he wants help, I'm totally here from him. And, you know, he's. He's a great guy.

[Brian Bishop]

He's.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

That's the thing is, like, he's so lovable and so wonderful.

[Brian Bishop]

I know I've had one of my best friends growing up just turned out to be a total drug addict mess, you know, and at a certain point, you just, like, get tired of bailing them out and chasing them around. And actually, he went to prison. And then it's actually, when he goes to prison, Are you allergic to heartfelt stories? When he went to prison, I was actually just happy. Like, all right, he's in prison.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

It's safe.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, the thing about the drug laws is. I disagree with the drug laws. I do agree that it saved a lot of people's lives because they basically just are quarantined. Like, they go, fuck it. You're going in this cage. We're shutting the thing. You can't get any more of the shit that you're gonna kill yourself or someone else with. And you just sort of by hook or by crook, you just dry up for two years. There's nothing.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

But they don't give them any foundation or.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it doesn't. I mean, it's like. It's not a cure. But the trajectory they were on, they would have taken themselves out going the wrong way on the one of one. And taken out a family in a minivan, too. At least this way you know where they are and you know what they're not doing. It's never. Jesus. Have you heard from so and so? It's been three days. He hasn't answered his phone. Like that sort of thing where you're running around, where is he? You know that feeling you always have that pit in your stomach? And then the weird morbid part where you're like, I hope he just dies. Like, I can't take anymore. I can't take any looking. Going out and searching for and figuring it out what they put everyone through. Oh, and then eventually they get. They get sober, and then they have to apologize to you on, like, what is that? The eight step?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

The tenth, ninth step.

[Brian Bishop]

Can we get rid of that fucking step?

[Jennifer Jimenez]

And then you have to sit there, but you can say whatever you feel.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, you know, knock it off. I'm uncomfortable. I liked it better when you're high. Can we treat it like a hotel that has no 13th floor, even though it has a 13th floor, but the elevator doesn't have a 13th floor? Like, you just go right from 8 to 10.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

It's so.

[Adam Carolla]

Not to be a Seinfeld episode, but I actually had the experience where this guy that I dated, I found out later that he became sober and I was like, Klansman. No, not him.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I had Margaret. Margaret Cho had. Gave me the. Pulled me right out of a perfectly good Kathy Griffin party and gave me the Andy Dick probably has a kite in the next room. I was drunk and gave me the. We need to talk. Like, what I did was inappropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

What did she do? Dancing with the stars related thing?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, no, no. She just. She just. Back in her day when she was in her. In the grips of her disease, announced she was coming over and had a script with a part in it for me that. Where we had sex on a bed full of. And you guys, she wanted to work some of the beats out.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a fantastic scam.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you do it?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it was. No, we didn't. We didn't. We didn't have sex. We didn't do anything. But it was a. It was a. Let's put it this way, if I were chick and she was a dude, she probably would have been locked up. I don't mean. No, she raped me. Did she.

[Adam Carolla]

She took advantage of you.

[Brian Bishop]

She was the happy end of the mop panel, I'll tell you that. No, no, she didn't. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

Which one is that, though? The one with the mop.

[Brian Bishop]

It was. It was a. Yes, it was. It was a scene. It was a. It was a. Well, it was a swifter, actually. But. No, here's the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

It squirts.

[Brian Bishop]

There was nothing. There was. There was nothing that went on. It was one of these things where if you had done this to somebody and then got sober, you'd be wildly embarrassed that you got fucked up and went over and, like, did what you did. Like, walked over to my house and stuff like that, and it was like, I didn't give a shit. Who am I? I'm just a construction Worker from the Valleys. Another funny story for me, you know? No, I mean, I was in show business at the time, but, I mean, I don't give a shit. You can do whatever you want to me. Like, I didn't care, you know, I don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

But we need to talk about that.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. No, I mean, Steve O. Tried to choke me and he was back on the show within two weeks. Like, I'm fine with that. It's just a part where we sit down on the bed with the coats on it and have a serious discussion about why she was out of line when she's sober. Now, that's weird for me.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Meanwhile, you're drunk and you want to do the script.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm trying. I'm on my way to a nice buzz. Except for it was interrupted by we need to talk. And that's. That's why. No, we don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Very awkward to ask her to hold on in the middle of the ninth step while I get another beer, freshen.

[Brian Bishop]

Up, crack a cold one. But see, for me, it's like, you could have taken a swing at me. And if, you know, a week ago. And if we're at a party and you do the we need to talk, I'll give you the that is. We're fine. I know. We don't have any.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't need to talk. We're cool.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Wait, did she try to force you? Like, because you're not supposed to do that, like, on the 9th. Like, you.

[Brian Bishop]

If you're.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

If you're drunk, I'm not gonna come up to you and apologize or make an amends to you.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I wasn't wearing a lampshade or I didn't have this little swizzles coming out of my head or anything at a party either. Well, it's not like we have a chance.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like she wasn't taking the step seriously.

[Brian Bishop]

To be fair with Margaret, it's not like we socialize. So I think she was like, at the party, and she was like a little scavenger hunt. It was like, oh, I can check that guy off my buck list. I got a list of things. Things to do. And so I was like, yeah, all right. What? She just gave a. We need to talk. Can we talk for a second? Because, you know, it's like, oh, yeah, sure. Just like went in the bedroom and shut the door and was like, I need to tell you I'm out. I was out of line. It was fine. But I was like, all right, let's get back, get Back to the party. Yeah. That's all.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah. No, you're not. Technically, in the book, it says you have to find the right moment to do it. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, she could have emailed you or something. I mean, something.

[Brian Bishop]

I never started emailing until, like, four months ago, and this is, like, ten years ago. So.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Dictate your email back to her.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Okay. Dear Miss. Now delete. Mrs. Miss. Dear Margaret. I felt raped for a second time. Oh, wait, Ti. It's not Ty, is it? Delete, Delete. Sorry. Yeah. I didn't know how to do emails or I realized that email is a new thing. Okay. But she's been sober for a while. I guess I could probably find out when that party was and tell you when she got sober. So she's, you know, she landed on her feet. She's doing her own thing.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

That's good.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just one more funny story for me to tell.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you been on the receiving end of a lot of these steps?

[Brian Bishop]

Apologies only.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

That's a good question.

[Brian Bishop]

No, for my buddy Chris, who put me through hell and, you know, took me to hell and back 30 times and, you know, a lot of, like, picking him up and keep, you know, calling doctors and them telling him, don't let him go to sleep. He took too many Quaaludes or whatever, and, like, missing a day of work while I kept him up all night and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ironically, and sadly, no ninth step from him. But the one brief encounter with Joe. Yeah.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Nothing with Andy. Well, it doesn't really.

[Brian Bishop]

Andy only gets to, like, four and a half steps, and then he resets. Right. He's like a factory that can't get past 40 days without an accident.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

He did a year after Celebrity Rehab. The monitor thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh. Oh, yeah. The alcohol monitor bracelet thing. Yeah. I should get that from him. All right. Yeah. Good times. All right, I'm done bitching. I'm bitching.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm getting the rap news.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Note. So we have a ton of news to discuss tomorrow.

[Brian Bishop]

Tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, Jennifer. Of course, the show. And you can Twitter Jennifer. Jennifer Jimenez, but with a G. Yes, it's G I, M, E, N, E, Z.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. No. Delete any website. Hit our website at Jen Jimenez.com show air Sunday nights, 9pm VH1. But it's on all the time because I was watching, watching it Saturday night.

[Jennifer Jimenez]

They play it like 55 times.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah. Fifth season still going strong. And again, let's keep that thing going, cuz if Drew loses it, he's down to Baker's dozen of shows and then what?

[Allison Rosen]

Cannot have that next.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, you blink your eyes, you're at 10 shows.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a place to go if I lose control.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I need it to be there.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. So until next time, Adam Crow for bald Bryan, Jennifer Jimenez and of course Allison Rosen saying, oh, Ben Folds tomorrow. Everyone one on one with Ben Folds. Yeah, I love that goddamn Ben Folds. And you're gonna love him too. I'll give that speech that Gale Sayers gave about Brian Piccolo, except for it's gonna be Ben Folds. I'm gonna force you to love his ass tomorrow. So until next time, Adam Krollis saying, mahalo. Thank.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Adam Cola show 612 with Jeffrey Minnis, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2011. That does it for today's Cola Classics. Hope you guys enjoy. Until tomorrow Hollow and get it on.

[Brian Bishop]

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