Greg Fitzsimmons + David Wild (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics with Greg Fitzsimmons & David Wild

Original Air Date: January 30, 2026 (Clip episodes from 2014)
Guests: David Wild, Greg Fitzsimmons
Regulars: Allison Rosen, Bald Brian
Host: Adam Carolla
Summary Prepared by Podcast Summarizer AI

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Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show “Carolla Classics” features standout segments from two classic 2014 episodes: #1284 (with David Wild, Allison Rosen, and Bald Brian) and #1293 (with Greg Fitzsimmons and David Wild). The clips showcase Adam’s signature unscripted, unfiltered humor, candid discussions about life, pop culture, family dynamics, and the comedy grind. Topics range from underwear model realism, book publishing gripes, and parental relationships to the inside world of stand-up comedy touring. The banter is rapid-fire, irreverent, and full of memorable rants.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Underwear Models, Sizing, and Real Life Body Types

[01:24–10:59]

• Adam launches a comedic rant about the frustration with underwear packaging, particularly the models used irrespective of the garment size. He points out that the same chiseled, hairless gymnast appears on all sizes, even when modeling XL.
• He advocates for "honest undies": "Your underwear box model needs to reflect the fucking size of the person who’s gonna be rocking that jock." (A, 07:17)
• This leads to lighthearted suggestions, like using Ron Jeremy-types for the larger sizes, and the need for clear size markings on packaging.

2. Book Publishing and Editorial Frustrations

[10:59–15:13]

• Bald Brian shares his woes recording his audiobook and discovering typos and altered jokes in the final print. Adam relates, venting about how errors ("lumber rack" changed to "lumbar rack") slip through despite explicit correction.
• “If you’re fucking this up, what is your other profession?” (A, 13:23)
• David Wild adds that he never trusts publishers’ proofreading—his wife always finds more mistakes.

3. Star Power, Name-Dropping, and Invitations

[15:46–19:45]

• Adam tells a story about a personal invitation—or mass email—from Kevin Costner for a film screening. He muses on celebrity factor: “Starfucker Factor,” and employees missing the urgency of A-lister communications.
• “If Kevin Costner wants me to call him, you can call me any time, I won’t be disturbed!” (A, 18:10)

4. Music & Pop Culture Interludes

[20:00–22:15]

• Brief aside about Peter Gabriel (“Sledgehammer”) and not needing to ever hear certain songs again, even if they’re good.
• Light riff on underwear model marketing (Tommy John as a brand—baseball ties).

5. Fertility, Science, and ‘Bullshit’ Treatments

[23:46–32:17]

• Allison Rosen opens up about using ovulation predictor kits, leading to Adam’s observations about the unpredictability ("like a broken sprinkler") of female urination and the inefficiencies of home fertility gadgets.
• Adam’s anti-acupuncture stance: “Fuck acupuncture with a fucking fist that’s rolled in hot glass...” (A, 28:15)
• The panel debates jumping straight to medical intervention vs. alternative therapies, sprinkling in “spunk shui” jokes about masturbation logistics.

6. Parenting, Family, and Disappointment Management

[104:44–117:39]

• A caller asks why Adam remains in contact with parents who weren't supportive. Adam reflects on accepting loved ones’ limitations: “You don't try to get from them anything you’re not going to get from them or you'll be devastated.” (A, 108:06)
• They discuss the value of neutral (“muffin talk”) relationships to avoid disappointment or emotional risk.
• David Wild shares the wisdom: better to keep minimal ties than regret total cutoff once parents are gone.

7. The Grind of Stand-Up Comedy Touring

[134:44–146:53]

• Greg Fitzsimmons offers a detailed, humorous walkthrough of a tough comedy weekend: flying in early, doing morning radio, sleep deprivation, green room disasters, “beers to knock yourself down,” and “snapping one out.”
• Adam expounds on the bizarre phenomenon of club owners driving 20-year-old luxury cars and their expectations of comedians grinding through endless press and late-night sets.
• They swap horror stories about clubs with no real green rooms, or ones shared with burlesque dancers and telemarketers.

8. Comedy Feuds: Awkward Backstage Encounters

[147:44–152:00]

• Adam recounts narrowly missing a confrontation with Jim Breuer, after Breuer publicly threatened to punch Adam because of a misunderstood incident. He describes the tension ("Nothing more distracting"), eventual reconciliation, and how male feuds in stand-up are often settled.

9. Policing, Authority, Social Change

[166:25–167:29]

• Adam and Fitzsimmons discuss how disrespect for authority escalates cop-involved shootings and classroom discipline breakdown. Quick riffs on “bang for your buck” in LAPD shootings and underpaid, overwhelmed teachers.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Your underwear box model needs to reflect the fucking size of the person who’s gonna be rocking that jock.”
— Adam Carolla, [07:17]

“If you’re fucking this up, what is your other profession?”
— Adam Carolla, [13:23], on editors botching books

“Fuck acupuncture with a fucking fist that’s rolled in hot glass…”
— Adam Carolla, [28:15]

“Don't ever bring up moving and deadlines. Just talk about muffins for 35 minutes and then it's time to leave.”
— Adam Carolla, [110:12], on his mom

“I never feel physical fear. Only emotional and spiritual fear.”
— Adam Carolla, [150:46], regarding backstage beefs

“I think that is, you know, if someone on the other side… CNN’s House Clown… Like, you can’t say that—you have to review the show!”
— David Wild, [36:26], on biases in TV criticism

“I do comedy for free. They pay me to travel!”
— Greg Fitzsimmons, [135:22]

“The club owner will pick you up—they always have nice cars that were really nice in 1996.”
— Adam Carolla, [138:18]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Underwear & Sizing Rant — [01:24–10:59]
• Book Publishing Frustration — [10:59–15:13]
• Costner Invite/Name-Drop Protocol — [15:46–19:45]
• Fertility & Spunk Shui — [23:46–32:17]
• Parental Relationships & Disappointment — [104:44–117:39]
• Life as a Touring Comic: The Reality — [134:44–146:53]
• Backstage Comedy Feuds — [147:44–152:00]

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Additional Highlights

• Comedy Workshop: Live advice to a caller who wants to start stand-up in Denver. Adam insists on the importance of reps and bombing for growth.
• Grit and Achievement: The panel debates “grit” as the key success factor, not IQ, and the need to simulate adversity for kids who grow up soft and comfortable.
• Pop Culture Bits: Discussions on car backup cameras (“I need mine so I can run over my own fucking dog.” – F, 168:42), ‘Partridge Family’ cast changes, and nostalgia for album covers.

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Tone and Style

The episode brims with Adam’s direct, unapologetically irreverent voice, supported by similarly sharp-witted guests and contributors. The humor is frequently off-color and the dialogue fast-paced, blending personal stories, life advice, and cultural criticism into a uniquely Carollaesque take on everyday absurdities.

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For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent primer for Adam Carolla’s worldview: forthright, occasionally abrasive, but loaded with punchy observations about how life (and showbiz) really works. New fans will enjoy the iconic “Adam Rant,” insightful banter, and a behind-the-scenes look at podcasting, parenting, and the comedy grind.

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End of Summary.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[B]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolly show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through podcast one.

[A]

Check it out and sign up.

[B]

And if you'd like to obtain the ad free archives, the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show and get exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it Out. Make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamco.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorla.com now on to the clips. Coming up for our first clip today we have Adam Crolla show 1284 featuring David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2014. All right, David Wilde, catch a name dropper.

[A]

That's right, Ace.

[B]

I love your show.

[A]

Thank you, my friend.

[B]

I love Allison's marriage and your show.

[C]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Both hits.

[A]

One will make it to two weeks old, one will make it to season two and I mean, oh, your show's good. Adam. The test of time. Allison Rosen, good to see you.

[C]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[A]

And to bald Brian. You know everything Bald Brian.

[D]

A couple people may have requested that on Twitter with the hashtag top drop.

[A]

Or not a couple. He means him and Christy. That's right, she doesn't count. I had this thing, a little revelation and a way to go through life and you know, as you know, problem with me writing a book present me. It's all the decrees, all this is what has to happen. And when I'm in charge and then I get done writing the book and then I discover several thousand things that need to be put in charge. That's why the changed about. That's why the audiobook is always different because it's. But I just had an idea and I thought it was pretty good. Somebody sent me a case of boxer briefs and I love boxer briefs. It's the best of all worlds. You really never the boxer. I never understood cool in a movie. If you guys are down at the lake with the chicks and everyone's going in their underpants. But not cool. If you just sort of walk around with your jeans on and your dicks hanging out of the fly, which is constantly open like a compressed pita that's been cut. You know, it's a weird. It's like taking one of those old timey. Not old timey, but like 60s 70s plastic rubbery change purse things and kind of.

[C]

So what the hell were those?

[A]

I don't know, but they're wildly effective. I don't know who decided we no longer need these. I could use five of those fucking things. But you'd squeeze them and the mouth would go like, feed me. You know, every time I got a pair of boxers. Yeah, I tried to wear boxers because they were cool. They look cool hanging out, you know, of your denim jeans and stuff like that. But the hole, the hole would hang open and your ding a ling would come out. And much like your throat.

[B]

Ding a ling?

[A]

Ding a ling. Were you Chuck Berry? That's right. It was my ding a ling. My finger. You know, I always say to Dr. Drew, how does your throat know your fingers down its mouth?

[C]

You're right.

[A]

How does it feel? It? I don't know. But your dick knows when it's hanging out of the fly the same way. Making contact with nothing. Yeah, you get this feeling and you end up doing this weird move that. It's a dude move where you take your index finger and your thumb and you pinch two pieces of fabric right next to your groin. On with both hands. And you do a weird lean back, you kick your ass back.

[D]

You do like a dip.

[A]

You do a slight dip with an ass kick. And that gets it back in, but eventually it's coming back out again.

[D]

Well, that's what you're doing.

[A]

That's what I'm doing. So I don't like that. Then there's the briefs. But the briefs kind of ride up you. Especially when you pull your jeans up. They'll sort of ride up the boxer brief.

[D]

Well, plus the briefs. All sort of little boy pants, you.

[A]

Know what I mean? Like tulps. Boxer brief is the best of all worlds. So somebody sent me a big box of these Tommy John boxer briefs. And I appreciated it. And I just brought the box home and. And then I had this high powered moment today. You want to talk about. You want to talk about celebrity? I sat there eating my early dinner while Olga, the nanny went through the large box. And each one, she just read off the size and I gave her the back in the box or off to the washing machine, you know. Meaning, look, I'm holding one in front of me. It's 42 to 40 to 48. You know, I think the extra large was 42 to 48 or something like that. So. Oh, 44 to 46. 46. 44 to 46. So she'd give me the 44 to 46. I'd give it to boot. She'd give the 32 to 36. I'd go, that's a keeper. You know, we just went through the entire box of 20 of these things. Yeah, it was very powerful.

[D]

The deadliest catch.

[A]

Yeah. And yeah, I was like, we're on the crab. Throw it back, throw it back. And I don't throw anything back. I realize there's a couple of folks, David, you picked a good night to come. There's a couple of fellows who I work with who might benefit from these larger sizes that I would not benefit from. And then as I was collecting them up, and again, this is what you call serendipity, because I was thinking of Fonda, Lee or might be able to use some of the larger sizes. But David Wilde, I was hoping for.

[B]

A man grape, but this is in essence a different kind of man grate.

[C]

Gary is looking very interested.

[A]

Well, I must say, boxer briefs are expensive. They're good like 18, 20 bucks a pop. They're way more than I used to spend on pants my entire life. And they're almost a durable good in terms of a large ticket item. And you know, when it says 40 to 42, if you're 38, you probably get some use out of that. Now I have this curse of being a pretty much perpetual 35, which is no man's land for pants. For guys pants, they make a 34 and they make a 36. 35, no can do.

[D]

I'm a 33.

[A]

And when I get ambitious, I get the 34s, but I used to have to suck it in a little. But the 36, I have to get the belt on. And there's. If there's like three or four things I could tell my son to do or wish. Live in a fucking house where you can use a fucking cell phone and don't be a 35 or. And. Or a 33. What are you talking about? All right, so I'm looking at these, these midways, and as Olga's just kind of combing through them, you know, and obviously you look at the box, it's all the same 155 pound gymnast who's wearing the thing. But of course, then on top of the box, it says it's made for the heifer, right? So it's a she.

[C]

Go.

[A]

Then I just realized, you know what? Fuck that. Your underwear box model needs to reflect the fucking size of the person who's gonna be rocking that jock.

[B]

Finally, someone has a gut to say it.

[C]

So much time.

[A]

Because I always find my. When you get to the store, you're like doing now decide, please help me, but the print on the size of these fucking things. I'm a carpenter and I will tell you this. Gary, Max Apata, go find me a tape measure from the back. My eyes are getting a little weak. But I can tell you that the height of the numbering that they're using to tell you what size that are in there, basically, that are in the identical box or the identical model on every box is less than an eighth of an inch high. When you're at the store, you go, oh yeah, that's me. And you throw it in the box. You didn't read the super, super small fine print. Now, I understand when you're doing timeshare in Florida, you want some super small fine print, but when you're selling just.

[C]

Because you don't want people to read.

[A]

Right. This would save us a million years. All right, now I need again, I'm probably going to need my, my glasses. Max, Pata, you can come here. But that lettering on there is an eighth of an inch or less, as far as I can tell. Yeah, it's miniscule. It's miniscule.

[D]

And so thank God he was here for that.

[A]

Thank you. Well, you always, you know, the Asians have some use.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

My nanny's like staring each box she's pulling up and then she's doing like, these ones are 40 through 40, throw them out, new decree, whatever the model is. And by the way, in terms of, you know, a little bit of shaming you into shape, this is what you look like in your underpants. Would you like the next time you come to the store, would you like this to be what you look like? Or would you like to step it down to the next size model? Honest undies.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

And on the flip side, think of all the people who would be given modeling jobs.

[A]

Not the same fucking hairless gymnast who gets to do all the underpants modeling. No regular dudes. It's so easy to just do just. But it would be, it would be tough sledding. Like when you got to the one and it just looked like, you know, Ron Jeremy and he's spilling out of the thing and you're like, oh, come, come on. 42. I'm a 43. That's not a. Come on.

[D]

It'd be weird for David Wilde to have to update his bio too. Writer, underwear model.

[C]

Weird, but great. Probably.

[A]

But again, having the exact same hundred and fifty five pound dude on Every single box, all four different sizes is not fucking helping anybody. And I will do the same thing with the Cheetos and the Doritos that have the ranch and the super hot zesty. And then when they just put the lid a little bit. Now I want to know is Tommy John.

[B]

I have this weird sense that it is the Tommy John the baseball player. Right.

[A]

I'm assuming, I think.

[B]

And I think it's all a picture of Tommy John in 1974.

[A]

This is not before the surgery. Tommy John is 61 years old. This cannot be Tommy John 74.

[B]

But they're using the name like it's sort of like Sean John. Like all of a sudden it's gone diddy. It's gone from a. I don't know.

[A]

We're going to have to figure out if it's the guy who invented the shoulder surgery or, you know, back in the day, Jim Palmer used to do the underpants underwear model. So it was an underwear model. Anyway, I just say put the dude. Put the size of the dude that represents the size on the box and save us a bunch of time at the store. That's all the visual.

[D]

Hey, can I bring something very related to what you were saying at the very top of the show that led into this whole thing? I'm glad David Wilde's here too, because he can lend some perspective. So I'm recording the audiobook this week for my book and I have the final past pages, the final approved. It's at the printer pages. And I'm finding many, many typos, Many, many typos. Now this is after.

[A]

This is right, here's how it works.

[D]

You send them your version of the book, the email on the version, and they send it to a typesetter who types it, types it up physically. And then a proofreader and a proofreader and proofreader. Many typos. And it's frustrating enough. There are typos like misspellings or whatever, but they've fucking change some words that messed up jokes or points I was trying to make.

[A]

And it's like, thank you and welcome to my world. When you see my exacerbated, what have you, Are you feeling an ounce of that now?

[D]

The people respond to fix the problem, not create problems.

[C]

Hey, I want to read your dancer memoir.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

It's all about my battle of dancer.

[A]

It's insane.

[D]

It's fucking. I mean, I'm going through and I'm reading it the audiobook and I'm like, I didn't mean to say Partners. I meant to say partiers. And I'm like, that doesn't mean. Doesn't make any sense.

[A]

I. The very first book, they changed partiers to partners. The first. That's an outrage.

[D]

That's an outrage.

[A]

That's an attack. That's an attack. The first book Dr. Drew and I wrote many years ago, we were just doing this. I don't know. How do you know you're a lesbian or something? And it's something. It's something. The lumber rack fell off your Ford F150. They changed it to lumbar rack, which is like lower lumbar. And I said, what's a lumbar rack? And they said, I don't know. What's a lumber rack? And I said, well, a lumber rack at least exists. A lumbar rack. You invented that. That doesn't exist. Lumber racks are racks where you would hold lumber that you might put on a pickup truck. Those things you see on top of the pickup truck where they put the lumber on there, and they go, yeah, we didn't know what that was. And I was like, yeah, but. So you replaced it with something that doesn't exist yet. And they're like, yeah. And I said, we're gonna have to change that back. And they're like, yeah, okay. And then the book came out, and then I turned to that page and it said, lumbar rack. And I thought, what is it you do for a living? What? Not only do. Did you fuck it up, but we had a conversation. It was circled. Yeah, that's the part. Wait till the book goes to printer and the first 5,000 come out and they all say partier or party or partner. Then that's the part where you go into the stratosphere, right? Now you're disappointed, upset with a dusting of what exactly are you fucking doing here? If you're fucking this up, what is your other profession? That's gonna be the name of my next book. What. What do you really do? Because it doesn't seem to be. This cannot be what you do later on when it goes to print and it gets locked off and there's nothing you can do. Oh, it's locked and there's. There's thousands. Oh, okay.

[D]

That's why I got frustrated, because I'm.

[A]

Reading the audiobook and being like, it's locked up. Well, there you go.

[D]

Fuck.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

On every book I've done, my wife has proofread after me and found 20, 30 things.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Don't trust. Don't trust them.

[D]

Is she Employed by the publisher with.

[B]

The sole purpose of proof of she's employed by me. No, she's not.

[A]

Now imagine you're doing that times, you know, eight projects at once and they are getting some version of that in all eight of your projects. And then you get to walk around like I walk around.

[D]

You really find out where you stand. Not stand, but, you know, it's your book or it's my book. And it's put a lot of heart and soul into it. And it's the one book we have for this year or for our lifetime or whatever for the publisher. They're doing 12 of these a week, maybe more. So they're like. The response in my email was like, nah, what are you going to do? It's like, I don't think it's that big of a deal.

[B]

We'll catch it on the second edition if there is one. That's what they say. Yep, that's what they say.

[D]

Second printing.

[A]

And don't be so sure you'll catch it on the second edition. You will have killed yourself by then. Now, more celebrity news. You guys tell me where you stand. And I've, by the way, I think I've coached up Broken Matt the Porcelain Punisher fond alir very nicely because I got an email. Kevin Costner's got a new movie coming out. I think it's about being the Cleveland Browns.

[B]

Jennifer Garner.

[A]

Yeah. GM and the Browns.

[D]

The GM and the Brown Draft Day or something like that.

[A]

Yeah. Jennifer Garner with Jennifer.

[D]

Go ahead. Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

[A]

I think this is the movie. And he's doing a showing. I don't know, like a friends and family thing or something, as far as I know. And it's. It's on the west side and it's tonight and it's a little out of the way. And he invited me, but I didn't know if it was sort of a mass, kind of a, you know, send it all out to everybody on this email address or this is how big or intimate this is going to be. My schedule's been pretty nutty lately and all I'm looking to do is get home these days. So I was kind of on the fence like.

[C]

Like, if you're not going to be rubbing elbows with Costner, you're not in.

[A]

The difference to me is, did he invite me or is it just one of these assistant hit the reply to everybody or invite everybody on this list of 200 people.

[B]

He invited you?

[A]

Well, what happened was I was home last night. I was skipping my rope. I was Doing my thing. I was wrestling with my kids and all that. And I went to the email. I'm not very good at the email. I let it. Sometimes a couple days goes by, whatever. And I get the email from the Porcelain Punisher that says Costner really wants you to be there. Here's his number, he wants you to call. He just called me. Call him. And then it's two hours old, though, and it's now getting a little bit late in the night to be calling Costner. And that's me replying to the email furiously, furiously. And I said, no, it's one of these things where he sent it at seven, but I didn't see it until nine o' clock at night. And then I figured. And I called Costner back. Of course he didn't pick up. And that was it. So I was driving in today and I talked to the Porcelain Punisher. I said, matt, next time Costner calls you personally and then tells you to tell me to call him personally, feel free to call me and tell me, send me an email. I might not. I'm in the bedroom wrestling around with the kids. I'm not in front of my computer at night. Oftentimes I may not see it till the next morning or something. He said, yeah, I didn't want to disturb you. I said, I like that. I like where you're coming from. But if Kevin Costner calls you, then you can disturb me because I will not be disturbed if Kevin Costner wants me to call him. And he went, well, I was getting a little late, you know, it was about 7 o' clock and I figured that's your quiet time. And I said, yes, but if any, by the way, a list celebrity calls and wants me to call them at 7 o' clock at night, you can call me and I'll never get upset.

[C]

Because Star Fucker Factor.

[A]

Yes, Starfucker Factor.

[D]

And he said, cost, you were a minus.

[B]

You are a real name dropper.

[A]

Yeah, well, it's the same one over and over again. I know. And he went. And then he went, you're right, never going to happen again. Which I thought, you're right, will never happen again. But he said, it's never going to happen again, people. I feel like everybody's first response with almost any argument is, here's my defense against what you're saying. The smart people eventually don't have a defense against what you're saying unless they do. But the ones that don't should just give. He'd give one. And then he was like, yeah, Fuck it. You're right. Next time somebody important calls, I'll just call you and tell you to call. And by the way, I'll either pick up the phone or I won't. And my answer will always be, thanks, but I'll never be screaming at you. It's 7:08 in the evening. Fuck Costner. How dare you ring this phone? How dare you?

[C]

Right, so wait, are you going or no?

[A]

Well, now I'm going. Cause what are you gonna do, right?

[C]

You have to.

[D]

You got to. Good luck.

[A]

Also, we have a Dick Banks call. I Do Believe or Dick bank song. Sorry, that is new. He's just cranking, cranking it out. I don't know what the theme of this one is, but this is based off.

[D]

Well, everyone has to have a muse. David Wilde. I assume it's your. Maybe your wife or maybe CeeLo, or maybe both.

[B]

Such a fine line between everyone has to have someone.

[A]

Oh, speaking of CeeLo, why don't you bring a pair of these? Yeah, Yeah.

[D]

I dare say Rich Banks muse is the lovely Allison.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, Your dog has a penis. Wow. What a turnaround. It gets stuck outside the sheep like the boxes. Maybe it's been harder and open. Maybe it's wrong and starting to bleed. All you need is Rosen. If your canine's junk's in need. She's gonna fit your darts better to put it back in place. Yeah, she's gonna fix your dad, you break the Q tips and KY jelly. Yeah. Oh, Dickie Banks.

[B]

So good.

[A]

Guessing with assist from Mike Lynch. He's usually in there somewhere.

[B]

Is that a tool tune? In a sense, it could be.

[A]

But sledgehammer, It's a better dog's tool. It could be, yeah.

[B]

This version.

[D]

It's a good point.

[A]

Oh, this version? Yeah. The real one. No, but I don't. The actual Peter Gabriel song falls under my heading of I. I'm not gonna say it's a bad song. I just never fucking ever have to hear it again. Ever. And I don't think it was ever a good song. I just don't. Some songs are good I never need to hear again. This isn't one of them, but I still. I won't call it bad. I just never need to hear it again. Thank you.

[D]

Is Spinner Gabriel a nice guy?

[B]

He's very bright. Very.

[A]

Yeah. Pleasant.

[B]

He's. Nothing wrong.

[A]

Nothing wrong with him.

[B]

Nothing wrong with him. He's sort of odd, you know? Quirky, British. I don't know him well. I've only interviewed him once or twice.

[A]

Mm. All Right. Ah, Nature Box, baby. Oh, man. Want to get on that diet? Want to stay out of those 42 to 46 briefs over there? Got to have some snacks, but you got to have healthy snacks. Try Nature Box. Great tasting healthy snacks sent right to your door. Check it [e-mail] they got to send some more stuff over here. French toast, granola, salted caramel pretzels, dark cocoa almonds. We got some blueberry almonds over here. Just good solid salt of the Earth food. 0 trans fat, 0 high fructose corn syrup, and nothing artificial. Naturebox ships for free. You can try your first order of NatureBox at 50% off. First order, 50% off, go to Naturebox.

[B]

That's almost half.

[A]

It's coming up on half. If it's not there yet, go to naturebox.com Adam Good Healthy Snack and a lot better than the stuff that comes out of the vending machine. That's nature. I mean, 100 times better. It's naturebox.com Adam Snacksmarter in 2014. Naturebox. All righty, what do we got? David Wild here. We got some news coming up. We got some of your phone calls.

[C]

I have something to say coming up.

[A]

Allison Rosen's got something, so I have.

[C]

Here it comes. Been using these ovulation predictor kits.

[A]

Uh oh. Mm. Mm.

[C]

Where you have to pee on a stick.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

And it's much more challenging than I thought. Cause sometimes the urine's like an arrow, sometimes it's like a broken sprinkler. And I just think you probably don't know this about women.

[A]

No, I.

[C]

You know, wily our urine stream can be.

[A]

What I do know is how powerful.

[B]

That'S my favorite Dolly Parton, Kenny Roger.

[A]

Song and broken sprinkler. Stream is my favorite Travolta action movie from the 90s.

[D]

Underrated.

[A]

Stolen Nuke.

[B]

John Woo's best work.

[A]

Any movie where the title of it is something you don't understand. But about minute 21, gentlemen, we got a broken arrow. And then at our run, the music swells. You go, oh, that's what the movie's called.

[D]

Or Second 21 of the trailer. Like if they put. It's a term.

[A]

It's gonna be. Yeah, I that area. Every once in a while, I'll walk past the bathroom when either my wife or daughter's on the toilet and be frightened by the sound that comes. It sounds powerful. Sounds like a spreak. You know, it sounds like a main water main busted or something like a drunk driver hit a. Hit a fire hydrant. Or something cuts out with ferocity.

[C]

That's good if you're trying to get it all onto a stick. But I find myself with my hand, like, in the toilet, just dangerously trying to follow it, being like, oh, I'm gonna lose the stream.

[A]

Can I say this? Are we at a point with science where you could simply dip the stick into the toilet, which is 41% your urine?

[C]

Why would it change so much better?

[A]

What would change so much about whatever's going on down there? You're 41% pregnant, saying whatever. I know the directions say no, but what I'm saying is whatever is in your urine that is saying that you're ovulating or saying that you're pregnant or saying that you're high on methamphetamine or whatever, wouldn't we get just a slightly lighter dose of that as it was cut by the toilet water?

[C]

Just make your test strips a little more potent, right?

[A]

Or. Yeah, just turn them up to 11. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah, good luck with all the fucking ovulation and the shots and the thermometers and the. God damn.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think I'm ovulating.

[A]

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you.

[C]

What, to be perfectly honest, let me.

[A]

Tell you what to do. Just go down to the fertility whatever and just pay, you know, just give someone some money. Just shit. I mean, have a start.

[C]

A family, you mean. Don't even try to do it without doing all that.

[A]

Everybody, everybody I know, including myself, attempted to do things with the, you know, thermometers and the ovulation kits and the shots in the ass cheek and the whole, I'm ready to go and all that kind of. It was for everyone I know. It was like two years of that, and then eventually, oh, fuck it, let's just go to the center.

[B]

Not everyone, you know, not that you, not you. No, nothing.

[A]

Just two weeks.

[C]

Was your wife young, though?

[B]

Two weeks, both times.

[C]

Was your wife young when she got pregnant, though?

[B]

It wasn't pleasant for her, but it was very. My wife was not. I mean, she's still young and childlike to me, but no, she was not especially young.

[A]

What I'm saying is this. If you're, you know, if you get married at 26 and you start trying to start a family, do not listen to this advice. If you're slightly older and you try, you just sort of try, you know, you give it a few months and you go, I'm just gonna try to have a kid and nothing happens. Skip the Middle part and just jump to the end.

[C]

All right. And how much does that run you about?

[A]

I don't. I honestly, I can't remember. I don't know. And not only. It's.

[B]

I look equal to a dog's ear or less.

[A]

I was gonna say I look at it like I look at Molly, which is. I don't wanna know. Every day I come home, there's a new medication, there's some new drops, there's some new chemo things, there's some new shots, there's some new bandages, there's a new thing missing, and I don't even want to. I don't even want to know. So you can talk to Lynette about it. The bottom line is, I've had the buddies, they start off, first off, do not listen to the yentas that start talking about your Qi being aligned. And if you get on the herbal.

[C]

Stuff and fuck acupuncture.

[A]

Fuck acupuncture with a fucking fist that's rolled in hot glass, rolled in molasses, and then pushed into hot glass like the beginning of Kung Fu. Or maybe I'm mismorizing.

[B]

There go your acupuncture sponsorships.

[A]

I'm saying fuck the acupuncture. Fuck the spong shui and all the other ridiculous bullshit. That's right. I invented that. It's in the urban dictionary. Somebody actually tweeted me another spunk shui practice, which is my spunk shui is always have the computer screen facing away from the door, from the opening to the room. Don't ever have anyone walk up behind you, so to speak. Always have that block of all they're staring at is the back of a monitor when they walk in. The guy spunk shui said, always keep the hand lotion and the kleenex at least 10ft apart, because otherwise it's a tell.

[B]

I'm so glad that my son is here today. He is learning so much. Who says this is not educational programming?

[A]

And he also said you got to triangulate it from the computer. Like you can't have. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[D]

This is getting complicated.

[A]

What I'm saying is this. You don't put the Jergens and the Kleenex on the computer desk. That's a tell.

[C]

It's smart because you're creating a masturbation station.

[A]

Yes. Spread them out and have them at least 10ft away from the computer and 10ft away from themselves. Anyway, forget about all the bullshit. Forget about all the. You know. Because you're gonna have those fucking dingbats that are like, are you eating red meat? You're eating red meat and you think you're gonna get pregnant? I am sorry, sweetie. No, no, you need a total cleansing. Plus, you have to be in a place emotionally to accept the. And then they drop the stupid, stupid metaphor where they're like, you know, you can't accept an apology if you're still angry at the person, right? Okay, well, your fallopian tubing is no different. And you're like, huh? What? And you're gonna get a lot of that. Fuck it. Go to the guy with the lab coat and have him fucking do his shit with a test tube. Give it a try.

[C]

I mean, I still want it to be Daniel's.

[A]

Give it, give it. Oh, yeah, no, he can put the lab coat on and do it in a detective. Try it this way. But when the beginning and a little bit of the middle doesn't work, jump right to the end. It'll save a good 18 months, tons of dough and lots of arguments.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

And sex, ironically, that Daniel doesn't really want to have, which is bizarre, because.

[B]

I don't think that's fair to say. I think he does now.

[A]

He died. He does. No, he does. But he doesn't. When he gets grabbed and told right now, hey, let's go. And then plus, sounds hot to me. You can't start. You start laying down the rules, like, hey, no masturbating for two days.

[B]

Can I do a sperm name drop?

[A]

Mm. Just do a sperm drop for my.

[B]

Older son who's not here today. He's here today in general, because I was working with Julio Iglesias.

[A]

Quite a big name drop.

[B]

And we were out by Magic Mountain in some studio filming something, and my wife called and said, come home. I want to try now. And it was like 11 o' clock at night. And I said, julio, I have to go. He goes, why do you mind us to go? And I explained why. He goes, go home. And we were working on a documentary kind of thing about tango music. And he goes, you go home and make a tango baby, and I shall make a tango baby, too. And we both had kids, nine months.

[A]

The difference is he hadn't met the chick yet. You at least knew who you were having sex with. For him, it's just like, well, I'm just gonna head out to any cafe. Yeah. And I'll be getting laid before. Before Wild does before you all right?

[B]

It was also with my wife, actually.

[A]

No, that's what I was gonna say. Yeah. So, yeah, skip the middle, jump Right to the end. And all the jump.

[B]

With pleasure.

[A]

Yes. And all the fucking books and all the. All the stuff again. The acupuncture and all the feng shui and all the herbal this and the sobs and the headspace and. Fuck it, fuck that. Nothing solves this like an inner tube in a guy with. I mean, how do you take the inner tube off and get the test tube and the guy in the lab jacket. All right, let's see. Gary, do you have that? You can maybe read that review. I've said this many times. I got a review on the Catch a Contractor show, which people seem to enjoy, thank you very much. This one was in Variety. But I've always said, why, when you're reviewing something, do you focus on the person and then explain that you don't like the person? And if you don't think this town leans a little to the left. It's a view. It's a review in Variety that says, although he once shared a couch with Jimmy Kimmel on the man show, Carolla now winds up in lower rent districts like this or serving as one of Fox News Channel's house clowns. Why? I don't. It's insane. Here's what's insane to me. You're allowed to have your opinions politically, but when you then write and review for a living, you're supposed to. You're supposed. I'm sure every sports announcer has a team he'd like to see win the super bowl or the game that he's announcing, but he doesn't weave that into his call. And I'm sure it's that way with referees and everyone else. Why, number one, do you have to work that into your review? It makes your review null and void. Because now we realize where you're at, number one. Number two, can you not be on Fox without just being a house clown? Like, why is it that super condescending? Oh, you're just O'Reilly's lapdog. Like, now I go on, I give my opinions, and then I leave once a month. It's not. What is that? Super crazy condescending? Well, you know what? It's like. You're just a lapdog. And we have, by the way, most. Well, not most, but a lot of my O'Reilly appearances. First off, he never tells me what to say. Number two, he throws out a topic. And number three, a lot of them are making fun of him as, I'll play you. This is the last time I was on O'Reilly. You can just. So there you go, Rob. Sorry. I'll knock you out. All right, first off. Yeah, I watched the segment. Two segments, fantastic. You know about Jesus for 19 minutes just with that late night demo. So look for number one. Number two, let's be honest, that chair was occupied by Jack Nicholson showing a picture. He just went out momentarily to have sex with our waitress. And that's when the picture. That's when they snapped the picture. Be honest, be fair, be balanced. Forgot. He showed a picture of him and I at a Lakers game with an open chair between the two of us on Kimmel's making fun of. I didn't want to sit next to Adam Carolla. But you're a writer, David Wilde. Why this? And why are you not allowed to appear on Fox and be the lapdog? And then why do you weave that in your review? And doesn't it make your review less effective?

[B]

Yeah, I feel lucky that I spend a significant amount of my time not in a, you know, which is. Which is liberal, blue or red? I can never remember blue. I spend a lot of time in a red state. And I think a lot of these people. I know, I think I know Brian. I've met him. I think they don't meet anybody who ever has a contrary point of view. And since the American. I think you're right on this, and I don't think you're right on much politically. I don't agree with you on much, but I think you're smart and interesting and funny, and I always like hearing what you have to say. But I think that is, you know, if someone on the other side said.

[A]

That about if Jeanine Garofalo was coming out with a show on, you know, on Comedy Central, and somebody just said, you know, CNN's House Clown, and then now I'm gonna review her show. Like, they'd go, no, you know, you can't say that. You have to review the show.

[B]

I completely agree. On the other hand, I think you should not wear that makeup. And the big nose, I think that.

[A]

That'S the giant shoes.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I don't give a shit. But what I would say to Brian, who reviewed this is do not begin your reviews this way because it nullifies your review. Because now we're not listening because we just assume we've made it clear what your politics are. And by the way, what the fuck do your politics have to do with the home improvement show that I'm doing on Spike, which is not a news channel. That's insane part. And it's the part that drives me insane because it's assholes like this who do nothing but say, you can't judge. Stop judging. You can never judge. This feels like a little judgment to me.

[C]

What are the lower rent. What's lower rent about the districts that you're showing up? Is he talking about Spike or is he talking about the show or what is he saying is lower rent?

[A]

I think what a lot of these guys get a kick out of and I'm not sure. And again, it's not great writing because I'm not sure if he means going to the houses that are lower rent. No, I don't know.

[B]

I don't think that's what he means.

[A]

No. What a lot of these guys get a kick out of is they go. His ex partner Jimmy Kimmel has gone on to be very successful. He's kind of just getting by with some sort of pot cart and he maybe wrote a book or something like that.

[D]

Just hanging out?

[A]

Yeah, just chilling.

[B]

Can I just hang out?

[A]

So there's a little. There's like that little. Like he didn't. It didn't. That. That thing of. It didn't turn out so good for him. But he's making a. He's scraping by.

[B]

As someone who used to review and now gets reviewed more often than I review, I will say that there's a horrible dynamic that's happened in that journalism used to be a kind of respectable and pleasant career and now these guys are all so resentful of anyone having any more money or freedom. I think that that creeps into reviewing in general. There's like a hatred of people who are any. Any further along. So.

[A]

But as I always, as I always say, if you are writing a review to let your readers know, hey, you should watch this or not watch this. And your readers may be interested in watching a show on Home Improvement or show on Spike where they catch the contractor and bring him to justice, whatever it is. Leave your personal issues with the guy who pops up on O'Reilly once a month out of the mix so that your readers can get a unfettered view of what might be your opinion on this particular project. I think we've all can sort of. I mean, I watch Woody Allen movies based on whether I think they're good or not. I don't. I wouldn't conduct my life like Woody Allen, but I still like.

[B]

Or so you say.

[A]

Yeah, well, the day is young. I'm just saying if every Woody Allen review started off with Daughter Fucker, it sort of takes away from whether you should see this movie or not.

[D]

Yeah, you Want to talk about his recent. If you review an M. Night Shyamalan movie, you want to talk about maybe his poor history of the recent movies, but they don't want to talk about who he's dating or whatever. It's just neither here nor there.

[A]

It's literally his politics. Like, I don't know what his politics are, but let's say you disagreed with his politics. Well, doesn't this shape your review now?

[B]

And he's a good TV critic. I will say of all the TV critics, he's actually pretty good. This is wrong. And that's not fair at all. Plus, he's wrong because the show is good. I will say that's a good entertaining.

[A]

Ah, thank you. No, it never bothers me. It just makes me say to people, do you see? Do you see what this is? And see what it's become? And also again, why and why would his editor do this? The editor should look at this and go, what's this have to do with this project?

[B]

I will say, and Alison, I'm interested to know if you have this sense. I do think what's happened to reviewers is that you get no attention for saying anything down the middle. Fair. You only want to be right now. And all editors want is reaction. And if there's 500 comments defending you and attacking you after this, that's one way they prove their worth in journalism now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Am I right?

[C]

Yeah. It's like the days of things being measured and thought out are sadly kind of over or winding down. Over.

[A]

Yeah. But this serves neither one of those masters because it's not very controversial. It's not inflammatory, it's not anything. It's just a little jab at the beginning.

[B]

If he called you an ass clown.

[A]

That would have been something. And the super arrogant opinion that anyone who disagrees with my opinion is just, you know, it's just a clown. All right, we will take a phone call or two. Coming up, let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. DraftKings, baby. College hoops, man, Heating up. Oh, it's going big. DraftKings.com the tournament is upon us. And DraftKings are awarding huge cash prizes. Month during March. Millions. James Tron won 1 million bucks in one day. Look out, world. One day. Fantasy sports. No season long commitments, no being stuck with players. Just instant cash. Not just college ball, by the way. They got pro ball, basketball, baseball right around the corner. Golf. That's right. It's all here, Dawson. Right now you can play for free to win real [e-mail] up to 200 million bucks. Pick any sport, but hurry. Free spots are going quick. Enter [e-mail] before this Friday for your free entry. That's [e-mail] DraftKings.com New righty. Let's hop to the top, take a couple of phone calls, work our way down. Let's see. Let's see. Break. County, Denver. Let's see. Up, down. Richard. Hello, 33. What's going on?

[E]

No, I was just wondering, you know, how do you break into a comedy in a small town? I mean, not small, but, you know, we're not in la.

[A]

We're not. Where are we? Where are you?

[E]

I'm in Denver. I'm in Denver.

[A]

I think it's better to be in a smaller town. You get reps, you find a local. You find a local club, you. It's all about reps. It's all about just time on stage with that mic in your hand. It's all about just finding that comfort zone and your voice without sounding like a douche, which is to say, whatever. Nights they're off night, Thursday night, you know, getting up there and just doing eight minutes on Thursday nights, just emceeing the open mic night, whatever. Even if it's only comics in the crowd.

[D]

Just being around in case someone drops out.

[A]

Yeah. And just logging time on stage.

[E]

How do you get your guts up to do it the first time? I mean, a lot of my friends are saying, you know, you need to go. You need to go. And I'm like, I don't. You know, I just.

[A]

Well, they just mean leave. They're not talking about doing stand up. They say, go, you need to go. Richard, you really need to go. It's late. I got an early day tomorrow. They don't mean do stand up. Just actually saying go. I don't know how you've interpreted that. You've twisted it to go do stand up.

[B]

First off, that's the kind of material that Richard could use. That could be your opener there.

[A]

There's your opener. Rich, can you give us. Give us a little your. Give us a little your brand of humor.

[E]

Well, you know, it's always in conversations. I don't know how to turn it into drill form, but people at work are talking shit about the gays. And I'm like, you know what? There's nothing wrong with them. I mean, you know, they're cool people. They're trying to legalize weed. And in the Bible, it says right there that the gays get to Smoke weed. I mean, I'm almost jealous of the gays, you know, because I'd like to smoke weed. They're like, well, where does it say in the Bible that you get to smoke weed? I was like. I said, he who lays down with another man shall be stoned. I was like, well, if they get to be stoned, why can't I?

[A]

Now, the problem is, most of the club would have emptied out before you got to the actual punchline.

[C]

But the relief that we felt after feeling so uncomfortable was delightful.

[A]

It was delightful. What else you got, Rich?

[E]

Oh, man, I don't have anything.

[A]

All right.

[D]

He has a type 2.

[B]

2 sentences.

[A]

His type 2 syllables.

[E]

I haven't been able to work them in. Like, one of them was like, you know, like, with the bears, you know, when they go out and they kill people, they love that meat. It's kind of like the first time you get pussy, so you just love it. That one doesn't work too much.

[D]

We can workshop this. We can work this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That sounds like a Dimitri Martin joke.

[A]

Yeah, it really does.

[D]

So getting pussy is like slaughtering a human being. All right, I'm with you. I'm with you.

[A]

No, man. It's like when a bear goes out. Yep. They get taste for human blood.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And then, you know, you eat out a bitch. You know?

[D]

All right, all right.

[A]

Huh? Why am I being. Why are you shining a flashlight at me, dude? Oh, sorry. My two minutes is up.

[C]

Because bears love fish.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Go with the salmon. That's. Pussy's going back to spawn, man. Hey, Rich, that was gross.

[D]

Allison.

[A]

Here'S what I would do. I would carry a little notepad and write everything down. Okay.

[E]

I can't write, though. I'm kind of like. You were. So, like, I speak to my phone. That helps out a lot.

[A]

Can you write well enough for you to read it?

[E]

I guess that could, yeah.

[A]

It's good because otherwise it's going to be very confusing when you run out of eggs and you make yourself a note and put it on the fridge. You know what I'm saying?

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Write down jokes. Put together five minutes of those jokes, and then call us back. And when we do that, you can go to the open mic. That's Denver. I think they have a comedy works over there. They have, like, a comedy cellar. I've played both those places. One's the place where Mike August stole all the toilet paper.

[E]

I was there that night.

[A]

Oh, you were?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You weren't now. Which night were you there for?

[E]

I Was there for. I think then I was there for the Saturday night.

[A]

Yeah. Was that in the cellar or was that at the one up top?

[E]

No, it was. I thought you were up the comedy work. South or north?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's where I was. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Did you have a good time?

[E]

No, I had a blast. You signed my book and talked to you for a little bit and joked around with you a little bit about that.

[A]

Yeah, lady, it's very fresh in my mind.

[E]

Yeah, I know, I know. You wouldn't remember.

[A]

Okay. All right, start doing it.

[E]

My wife was supposed to take me there, but she got sick by the kid of friends.

[A]

All right, start doing it. Just do it. Look, this, this thing, it's. It's ironic. Here we are, everyone's living till they're 85. Richard's 33. He's going to live till 100 because they're going to cure everything by the time he's 50. And he's sitting there wanting to know the quick fix and answer for everything. So while we're gaining time, everyone's running out of time in their head. And it's like everyone wants to learn how to play the piano in 10 minutes or learn how to speak Japanese in one car ride or. I'm going to be a stand up this weekend. Start fucking doing it, people. Everything, writing everything. Start doing it. Just go up on stage. How dare anyone even ask this question? All the people. I will tell you the story. Whether it's, you know, Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce or Aziz Ansari, it doesn't matter who. They went up on stage and then they came back and guess what? It didn't go too well their first time. But they came back and then they came back the next week and then somebody saw them and that's how it went.

[D]

And it feels like 80 or 90% of the stories we hear just about any good or working comic. They started out in a small town, did the reps, did it over and over again, got good, got good enough. Like, I'm gonna take my game to the big leagues. Then went to New York or LA or Chicago or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think it's worth going to. I don't think it's worth going to New York A when you don't have an act, you're not gonna develop an act in New York. You'll build your act in whatever town you're in and then you can bring your act. It's like never doing any. It's like not studying drama, not being in the drama club at school. Not doing anything, just going, I'm going to Broadway. No, get some chop somewhere and then go off to Broadway. All right, David Wild, you wanna hang out?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

We'll got a couple phone calls. We got some news coming up. All that right after this. Back with David Wilde. Wild about music is where you can hit him with a tweet, help him get past, follow him, help him get past. Rick Springfield, who I think we're.

[B]

I got some email. I think he's coming in soon.

[A]

I don't know. He's pretty hard to hold.

[B]

For. The eight people saw that movie that is really scoring as a reference.

[A]

I was one of the eight, but I saw it 156 times. So go ahead and pad that a little bit.

[D]

That's why it was a hit on.

[B]

The set of that movie. You know, his love interest was Patty Hansen, who married Keith Richards. And apparently Keith came to check out Rick.

[A]

Rick.

[B]

That was sort of in his book. He has a new book coming out. I think he wants to come in here to promote his novel.

[A]

Mm. Mm.

[B]

I think it's called the Great Gatsby. That might not be the right title. Might be something else.

[A]

Redondo Beach Performing Arts center, this Thursday, 8:00pm the legal defense fund benefits. Kimmel's going to be there and Dr. Drew, Kevin Bean, Marc Maron and Andy.

[B]

Summers with his new group. That was another thing. Email came in asking if they could come in and I guess Mike August jumped on that. That's good.

[A]

Doug Benson as well. We're going to be doing a podcast in San Francisco that's coming up in May. You can go to amcroll.com and get some tickets and see all that and you can help us fight the patent trolls at Fund. Anything. All right, but let's take another phone call or so. And then for the record, I'm not a patent troll.

[B]

Just a troll.

[A]

Hop on the news. Let's talk to Matt 33. Hello. What's going on, Pittsburgh? What's happening, Matt?

[E]

Well, I just spent an hour at the parking court on my second appeal of a parking ticket that I felt was unjust. And after being told that my attitude sucked, the judge told me he was going to find me guilty. And I said, why? Because of my attitude? He goes, yeah, because it sucks. I said, and it's clouding your judgment. At which point I was told to leave. And I looked down at the judge's desk and his name was Regis. So I said, later, Rege. At which point I was told to immediately get off the premises or I'd be. They'd call the cops on me and I said, give them a call. And on my way out, you know, giving the normal brow beating.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

The next stage is appealing it with a $106 like court fee that is non refundable for a $20 ticket. The whole thing is just for the principle of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Do I go forward and attempt to fight to get flight and throw 106 away or.

[A]

Well, give them the $20. You know, it's. It's one of these. It's so fucked up because it's like mafia. Well, you're asking. It's insane. Because when there are two parties, you need a third party to make the rules. This is, it's basically the gift certificate rule, which is you get a $100 gift certificate to the Gap, you then go buy $97 worth of jeans and you go, Give me my $3. And they go, yeah, I'm sorry, our policy is. And you go, now if there was a third party involved, then it'd be an easy fucking clear cut call.

[E]

That's the problem. There's the Pittsburgh Parking Authority and then the Pittsburgh Parking Court, which say they are not related in any way and which makes it very difficult for them to communicate with each other to get the facts straight.

[A]

But hold on a second.

[C]

Breach serves on purpose.

[A]

The point is this, Matt. Our system is a little insane because the guy who gets his check paid through the money that you pay in for your parking ticket is deciding on whether you should pay your parking ticket. That guy's the wrong guy to decide whether you should pay your parking ticket. The guy from Switzerland who has no fucking dog in this fight is the guy who should be telling you what's. It's this thing where the city gets to decide, but the city gets the money. It's fucked up. It wouldn't work in any other situation. I mean, there's no other court room or there's no other environment.

[D]

Like if the other team was allowed to referee the game.

[A]

Yeah, that's basically what it is. And the other team was allowed to referee the game. It'd be like this, okay, you guys kick off to start the game, and then you guys kick off again for the beginning of the second half.

[D]

I'm pretty sure you got that.

[A]

Usually you kick to start the game. Then when we begin the second half, you, you guys will kick again in there. That's, that's.

[D]

It is.

[A]

It is said, it is written, it is done.

[D]

We gotta get the old.

[A]

I Gotta find you, you know, I'm gonna need you to do for me. I'm need you go ahead and kick the ball. Okay? Right now. That's doesn't seem fair, sir. What I'm gonna have to ask you do right now is go ahead and cock your right foot back, set your plant foot and go ahead and kick that pick.

[D]

I want to kick.

[A]

Okay, sir. Sir, watch your tone.

[D]

Sorry. Reach.

[A]

Gonna need you to do right now is go ahead and pace back. Deliberately walk backwards. By the way, why can't kickers walk forward, backwards? Do they always have to walk backwards?

[D]

What do you mean?

[A]

I mean they always do that move where they stand in front of the ball and then they do that walking backwards move. Turn around, turn your back to that wide receiver bitch. And then. And can you do this too? All the fucking sidewinders, and they're all sidewinders. When they do the kickoff, they do the thing where they stand in front of the ball and they go, all right, 1, 2, 3. Straight back and they go 1, 2, to the left. You've done this since you were 11. Walk to that spot. Just walk right to that fucking spot. Just go walk to that spot. Spare me the walking back and making the L, the backwards L. Take that. Take that.

[D]

Do I still kick to you two times?

[A]

Yes, because I am making the rules. And this is sort of the problem when you have the folks that are in charge deciding how much to charge you. I like when everything becomes a safety thing, like, oh, well, we gotta charge $560 for parking in a handicap zone or driving in the diamond lane. Because that's a safety issue, Matt.

[E]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I say you fight it.

[C]

He should spend a dollar bill.

[A]

Yes, that's right. You know why? You'll feel better about you and. And, and it's a better story.

[D]

How about this?

[C]

That's True.

[D]

Pay the $20 ticket. Donate the $106 to the fund, anything. Fight the trolls.

[A]

Campaign.

[D]

Live to fight another day.

[A]

I like that. It's not bad.

[E]

Well, how about this? How about I go in with a cell phone and record the court case and I'll call back with the tape.

[D]

Oh, okay. Respond in action.

[A]

Yeah, it's probably legal, but go ahead.

[E]

All right, well, let's just leave out the names and I'll give you guys a call when I'm done.

[A]

Thanks, Matt. We'll be waiting. Have a good one. Thanks.

[E]

Sorry about your friend, man.

[A]

He put his hand up. All right, let's see. Mike, 26, Chicago.

[E]

Hey, Ace, man. How's it Going, get on.

[A]

Going on, man.

[E]

Gotcha. So obviously I have lots of experience in the city and traffic, things like that. I don't know if it's as bad as la, but Chicago is pretty bad. Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on kind of getting over the traffic blues, you know, sitting there for an hour and a half. Got anything that you know, kind of gets the time going, you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, well, you can catch a nap, things like that. I've. I am in a unique position where I don't get a lot of time. I have eight projects going but I don't have a lot of time to focus on a lot of those projects. So I carry a buck slip and I say buck slip. It's better than a pad, it's better than a steno pad or just a loose leaf binder, whatever it is with the wire binders or whatever I carry. Where the hell is my buck slip? Ah, I carry. It's an envelope. Looks like a buck slip. A buck slip is something specific. I didn't know, I didn't know what it was until I did the man show. And they printed up like a matt will bring some in here, print up 1,000 of them. They put the man show insignia on it and put my name on the top of it. And it sat. Thank you. On the top of my desk. It's got a little heft to it so you can sort of write on it without it flapping in the wind.

[D]

It's an almost one and a half times size index card.

[A]

Right. It is about three and a half inches wide and it's about nine inches tall. Oh, I got a tape measure. All right. It's way off. It's eight and three quarters long and three and it's almost five eight, a little past five, eight wide. This got to be something fucking metric. Oh no, no. Remember I said three and a half wide.

[C]

You were right, three and a half.

[A]

But I think I may have been wrong. Eight and a half. Eight and a half I was rounding up. Alright, eight and a half by three and a half. And you can write on it, you can make notes, think about things you want to do. Think about all, you know, just everything. People you owe an email to, people you owe a phone call to, shit you need around the house. Like literally just make that list a joke, an idea, something a tweet you want to fire out, what you want to do this weekend, just literally. And then just start crossing them off as you go back, go about it. But for me, if you have a project or two, and it's always sort of percolating up there a little bit. You're working on a book, a documentary or whatever film. But it doesn't have to be something highfalutin like that. Just you got an idea. And that idea is, you know, you want to build something in your backyard. You want to. You want to build a deck. You just start letting your mind start flowing toward Dec. And then you start kind of designing it, or you start coming up with ideas or things to look up on the Internet.

[B]

If you're a Jewish man, you make a list of people who could do these things for you for a price.

[A]

That's right. Oh, there's another Hispanic guy who could build me a deck. I just thought of that. I'll write that down.

[C]

Do you carry a pen or pencil with you at all times?

[A]

I have pens and buck slips in my car all over the place and all over my house and all over everything. And when I leave, sadly, like, if I take Molly and the kids for a walk and I don't have a pen and a buck slip with me or just a piece of paper folded up in my back pocket, I feel naked. I feel like that feeling, you know that feeling like when you leave your house without your wallet, like without money, without your phone. Without your phone. Yeah. It's that feeling of I'm always going to be somewhere and I want to jot something down. I'll see something, I'll notice something all the time. And a lot of it is just shit. Like, get batteries from Home Depot, you know? Like, it's just stuff. And then that part will be jokes.

[B]

But you don't want Mike writing one while he's driving, do you? Yeah, you could do voice memos if you have on your phone. Mike, I don't know if you could use your phone that way. That's a safer way, perhaps.

[C]

Then you get busted for using your phone.

[A]

You drive an automatic?

[E]

No, I drive a stick.

[A]

Hey, what do you got there?

[E]

I got a 2010Volkswagen Jetta Wolf Spray edition Turbo. So a little fun, you know. Not gonna put too much, but.

[A]

Yeah, I understand. You'll put a chip in that bad boy, huh?

[E]

Oh, yeah, I would love to, but I got the warranty for another 10,000 miles. Then I go crazy.

[B]

Mike, I have an hour and a half drive this last few weeks. And for the few weeks to come from Santa Monica to where I live, it's a nightmare. And you know what takes an hour and a half? Your average Adam Carolla podcast.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you. All right, shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, Cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[B]

I thought you were Gonna make it, Mrs. Cunt.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It really seems a little undignified. I think, really, let's be respectful.

[C]

I mean, legally, I'm gonna be known as Mrs. Cunt, but, you know, the kids will be cunts.

[B]

I was, I assumed is my worst syrup bottle ever.

[A]

You ever seen that? This is kind of. It's horrible. It's also kind of. Syrup's good, but the bottle's fucking weird. All right.

[D]

Sorry.

[A]

Go ahead.

[C]

Sorry. Here from npr, headline. Does Teaching Kids to get gritty help them get ahead? And Adam, you'll be. Perhaps you've already been tweeted this. It's a story all about how grit is the new buzzword in education.

[A]

What?

[C]

And experts define grit as persistence, determination, and resilience. Quote, this quality of being able to sustain your passions and also work really hard at them over really disappointingly long periods of time. That's grit. Says Angela Duckworth, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, who this might hurt, coined the term grit and won a MacArthur genius grant for it. What that was.

[D]

Is she 150 years old?

[A]

John Wayne, There's a fucking kids magazine called Grit.

[D]

Grit.

[A]

And there's a stupid magazine they'd always want you to sell called Grit. When I was a kid, I could never do it because it involved something, and my parents were against everything.

[B]

That's exactly what you said in the podcast with LL Cool J. And you don't get a MacArthur genius prize for this. This person gets a genius prize.

[A]

What I don't understand. Please help me. You take a look at. It's so insane. But if anybody has any interest in automobiles, and you go, geez, turn. Forget about that aircraft. Turn of the century, you know, 1902, the Wright brothers come out with a canvas thing on a plywood frame and actually steered the frame by bending the wings like they didn't have ailerons or flaps or anything. It was just like they figured out that if the guy was laying on his belly, if he twisted the rope hard enough, it would flex one wing down and one wing up, and he could kind of tilt to the left and tilt to the right, you know? Then 50 years later, F86 was flying and doing a dog fight with a MiG and opening up a Gatling gun that was in the nose of the jet fighter that was going supersonic. That was 50 years later, like, it went from canvas. And guys wearing bowler hats and weird glasses that didn't need. Didn't need arms, just climbing.

[B]

To a Malaysian pilot, just being able to go down and turn off a transponder.

[F]

No.

[A]

Well, I'm just going ahead, going ahead 60 years to the SR71 Blackbird flying Mach 3 and going faster than a bullet at the outer reaches of the hemisphere or the globosphere, whatever it is. Stratosphere, Stratosphere. Going, you know, 70,000ft in the air, going 3,000 miles an hour. That's how much that has come in that distance. When you look at, like, oh, the first automotive land speed record was held by a car that had four cylinders, but it was 26 liters, and it was driven by a guy. Show me a picture from the first Indy 500 and you'll see a bunch of guys driving cars with wagon wheels. And they had a mechanic who had to pump oil, like, the whole time. Insanity. Okay. We've come a long way. We've come a long way when you see laptops and computers and tablets and the kind of shit that we didn't have. The computing power in my iPhone is more than the entire Gemini project that got us on the moon. Okay, what is it about this that we refuse to understand? I don't know. Where are we in the brain department? I understand. Yeah. There's the Indy 500, all driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Mobiles. And now their Average speed is 225. Back then it was 31 miles an hour. We've come an incredible distance. Why do we argue over the brain or what? Just like we argue over what motivates kids.

[C]

Right. Duckworth says her research shows that grit is actually a better predictor of success than IQ or other measures when it comes to achievements as varied as graduating from West Point or winning the National Spelling bee.

[A]

First off, of course, because every human being, you know, who's successful has that one quality versus Jimmy Kimmel. Dropped out of Arizona State, but he's very successful now because he's very dogged and so is everybody else who's very successful.

[C]

I remember when Dr. Drew was on, we were sort of debating about is grit the belief that you're nothing, or is it high self esteem? Because to me, what grit and tenacity is oftentimes is like, even in the face of rejection. It is this belief that, like, no, I can do this thing and I'm going to keep working at it. To me, that is a high self esteem thing. And yeah, when the outside world is maybe not giving you the messages that you need to, that someone else needs those messages to feel encouraged, you're persevering.

[A]

That's a good point. I think it is. I think it can be both. I don't think it has to be one or the other. I think there's the ability that some people have where they go, oh, I know I can do this. You know, Michael Jordan knew he could play basketball. He gets cut from his freshman team, but he comes back next year and whatever it is, a growth spurt, however it works, then there's another kind of grit, which is a sort of desperation. You know, just, I don't want to toil in the sun for a living. I want more out of life than this. And then once your grit pays off a little bit and your tenacity pays off and your intestinal fortitude pays off, then you get to take that and apply it to other things. And so you go, well, I never thought I could do this. But I'll bet you, Brian, with the experience of writing this book, it has now opened up other worlds for you in terms of if somebody said to you, oh, we want to make a documentary, or we want you to write a television pilot or something like that. The kinds of things that you wouldn't have thought you could have done some years ago, you fall back on the book and go, well, I was able to complete that.

[D]

Yes. And it's, it's not just things that I didn't think I could do, to Alison's point. It's things that I would like to do. I would love to do a documentary someday, or those kinds of things. And the book is the, is the avenue. When they asked me to write the book, I didn't have an inherent interest in writing a book. And I was like, this could be my sort of ticket to do bigger and better things.

[A]

But not necessarily a direct ticket. Just the idea of going, if you make a good product, I have the experience. The best experience a person can have, a human being can have is I have an idea or somebody else has an idea. Brian, I want you to write a book first. Shut up. First impulse.

[D]

Okay?

[A]

No, Brian, I want you to write a book first impulse. Oh, shit, you know, how's that going to work? That's 300 pages. I spent my scholastic career dodging writing Things. And if, you know, the teacher said, we need a book report, my hand would go up and go, what's the minimum amount? 11 pages. Does that count? The COVID and the bibliography and what else in the back also, what's a bibliography? Yes. Thank you. Point is this. How's this guy going to write 300 pages? So it's your first impulse, and then your second impulse is like, okay, I think I can start plugging away on this. Or I'm going to find a way to start plugging away. And then at some point, you fast forward to the satisfaction a man feels when his book is being butchered by an editor and he's reading the audio.

[D]

I just did that today.

[A]

There you go. So you now have the concrete experience of beginning, middle, and end. Now, when the next challenge comes along, no one's going to come to you and go, hey, Brian, I got an idea. Why don't you write a second book about your experience with a brain tumor? You're gonna go, no, but your second one will be. I don't know, but it will be something President you. It will probably be less.

[D]

My Life is a Sidekick.

[A]

It'll be less than what you put into this book.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you'll think to yourself, well, I didn't think I could write a book a year ago. That turned out pretty good.

[C]

So here goes with the barely anything into your books. Just like Adam.

[A]

That's right. That's right. Fucking mail it in. Like I like I do. So I try to tell people all the God damn time, beginning, middle and end. Beginning, middle, and end. Just finish it. And they go, what's it take to do a doc? Do a documentary. That's how you do a documentary. Finish it. Just finish it. Start it and finish it. I don't know if it's low self esteem. I don't know if it's high self esteem or no self esteem. It's grit. Start and do it.

[B]

I think it may be generational your question, Allison. And class oriented. Like I will say, Adam, I think yours is based on confidence. Your success story. You believed you were worthy despite all these people telling you. Whereas my dad, who grew up with nothing, had that. Whereas I think I come from insecurity entirely. I think I'm a. That's my theory.

[A]

I didn't have any security about my ability. All I had was, this sucks what I'm doing. I'm uncomfortable where I'm at. There's a comfort level. You want to be uncomfortable because it motivates you. Yeah. Here's what I mean, here's how we're all sort of wired. We're all sort of wired like this. You know that thing where you're, like, standing out in the parking lot and you're having a conversation with someone and it's a warm day, so you catch a little shade under the tree, and you're standing there talking to them long enough that the sun moves a little bit, and you're starting getting hit with some sun. So what do you do? You take a half step to the left. You get back in the shade. Your discomfort has caused an action, and that action is just a little bit of movement. If you have a job where somebody goes, I'll pay enough, not too much, but enough, you'll have your vacation days, you'll have your health insurance, you'll be okay, you'll be fine. You're not going to be rich, you're not going to be poor, Very secure, You never get fired. Job security, you just go, fine. Comfortable. Long haul. Take it. When you had what I had, which is going from job to job, working piecemeal up on a roof if it rained, you didn't get paid that day, you didn't go into work, no vacation days, and none of that. No benefits, no anything, I was like, God, this sucks. I'm a guy. I'm gonna have to pay for somebody one day. Kids, support a family. I gotta do something. And that motivated me. That discomfort motivated me. But I never had the feeling that I was, you know, gifted or superior or chosen. I was just gonna go do it. Now. Would I listen to Mark and Brian on the FM station in the morning and think, oh, fuck, I could do that? Yeah, I thought I could do that. Did I think I was gonna get a chance to? No. But if I could have everything for my kids and give away IQ and ability to do math on the fly or whatever it is, conjugate a verb, it would all be grit. That's all I'd ever need.

[C]

When your kids are experiencing discomfort, does it bother you and does it bother Lynette? Because that's what they're saying. Like, part of teaching grit is when a student is struggling to come up with the answer, the teacher shouldn't help them along because you want to kids to become more comfortable with that discomfort and realize that feeling is part of learning.

[A]

I don't know. We're going to have to build basically a discomfort simulator like we built treadmills. Oh, hang on. This is going to get powerful. We decided we needed to exercise, but we no Longer. Had to walk many miles and collect wood and hunt.

[B]

Hired a bear to chase us.

[A]

Hire a bear to chase you? No. There's something called a treadmill. We put it inside of air conditioned buildings so that we can run in one place, thus simulating the exercise our forefathers and ancestors would have gotten because they weren't driving at mere survival. At a mere survival. I had to walk certain amount to the well, put the water and the gourd on your head and walk back.

[C]

They simulate starvation to lose weight.

[A]

Right. We're now having to.

[B]

It's called the ward season.

[A]

We're having to simulate fear through 3D movies and Godzilla attacking Tokyo. We're having to. Or Jenny McCarthy explaining that, you know, vaccinations are going to kill you. We need to simulate fear. We need to simulate exercise, we need to simulate starvation. We're having to simulate everything. My kids are growing up with a flat screen TV in the room and a bunch of air conditioning. I'm going to have to simulate discomfort for them. It's just a waste of my time. I'm going to have to build a big fucking rock tumbler.

[B]

For example, my son who's here could confirm have started since we had. I was on the show about a few months ago talking about getting your kid to turn something off in their room. I am now being a badass, as badass a dad as I can be telling my kids to turn their lights off every day. And if they don't, I say, you didn't turn your lights off.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

I'm simulating. I'm simulating some sort of actual tough love.

[C]

Yeah, real badass.

[A]

Yeah, real badass.

[B]

Well, I have a bad ass, so that would be badass.

[A]

I do not. When you get in these boxer briefs, I do mean that the simulation that we. The simulators for walking and running that we needed to build for as treadmills, we're going to have to. We're already doing it. We have fake climbing walls. Yeah, we have.

[D]

They just go around the belt.

[A]

We have these, you know, tough mudder things where you run 8, 8K through mud and over fence while, you know all this. We're building fake challenges to ourselves because we're getting soft. We're going to have to do this with our kids now. It's not going to work with my kids. I had my daughter Natalia does this fucking move where she grabs my beanie and or my hats. She runs in the kitchen and she throws them and they land on top of the cabinet and the Cabinet are off the ceiling with the crown molding, and they're two feet away from the ceiling. The ceiling's high, but the cabinet's high, too. At the top, it's eight foot. And she throws it up there, and it gets back there, and it gets. Especially the refrigerator, which is deep, and there's no good way to fish it out of there. And so she comes every time I hear her running. And then Sunny, because he's the good one, he goes chasing behind her. No, no. You know, no, Daddy, Daddy. And he's wrestling with her, but she's so fucking strong that she just throws him down, takes the hat, squeals, and does a move. Well, the other night, she did a move where she threw it up in the air and just kind of missed it, came back down again, then grabbed it to throw. And I'm fucking serious about it when I dive on her, because once the hat goes back deep in the fridge department, it ain't coming out for a while. So I do the dive move where I go. Natalia, no. And I like dive. She slides. She's wearing her socks. Kitchen floor, wood floor. Feet slide out. She slides under her ass and bonks the back of her head on the wood floor. It wasn't too hard. She was okay. But I could tell there was that moment, that moment where she gets to decide how she. How she's going to play this one. Is she going to pop up and go stoic on my ass? Is she going to do the fake a roo, which she does with me sometimes, and then throw the hat up there? Or she going. I look and I say. She pops up, and I do this one. Natalia, you're fine. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. You're okay. I'm rubbing it, you know, you're okay. Just made a loud noise. You're all right. You bet. It's. You know, we're not on a slab. We're not slab on Great Raise Foundation. I hate to go technical on her, but, you know, when you hit your head on a slab, it's tough when you're up off the ground a little.

[D]

Now, you want to confuse the pain.

[A]

Out of her, right? She pops up, and she's got that thing. And I see Lynette, and Lynette is standing at the end of the kitchen, and she turns to Lynette, and Lynette makes the triple mommy face of. Sweetie. Ponny, Honey, are you okay? What just happened? And I did, and I was right in the middle of my. She's okay.

[C]

Lynette crack.

[A]

She's okay. Yeah, she's okay. And Lynette did the face. I was like, she's okay. And then soon as Natalia saw the face, it was waterworks and running to mommy and all this stuff like that. And I was like, don't make the face.

[C]

Triple mommy face.

[A]

It was a triple mommy face. Like, that was what with a high level of difficulty. Right. Most mommies can't pull that off.

[B]

Do you think it's possible that women are more manipulative than men?

[A]

I was like, we can pull this. Yes, we could pull this off. If we could get on the same parent page, we'll pull off the, you're fine, you're tough, you took a spill, you're up. But soon as she saw the triple mommy face, boom. Waterworks. And then it was, let me get the ice pad. And it was all done at that point. But, yes, we're going to have to build some sort of grit simulator, and we're going to have to pump it into the room with the air conditioning and the flat panel tv, because there's going to be no more just toughing it out like we grew up with. And I don't know what that's going to be, but kicking a kid's ass a little bit, asking them to do a little more and dig a little deeper. You have no idea what is inside of the same person. And I always tell people this. It's not like, hey, this person's got grit. This person doesn't have grit. This person's motivated, that person's lazy. Same person. I have been both people in my life and still do toggle back and forth on occasion. We all do. We've all had those points in our life when we were almost disgusted with ourselves, with just how fucking lazy we were, with not exercising and diet and doing all. And then had those moments where other people went, jesus Christ, how do you do all that in one day? I mean, it's all within us. So one person is capable of being pathetic and lazy and no count and amazing and inspiring all in the same person. So why don't we just kick that person in the ass a little bit? Not for us, for them.

[B]

I don't think this doctor should. Grit is not as good a term as Dr. Carolla's term, which you said. Engineering. You want your motor, get your motor a motor car. I think that's more true. That's what you need, the motor to keep going through, whatever it is. Because sometimes grit, sometimes that toughness is not what it requires. Sometimes it requires being smart or taking advantage of a situation. Like when you went into the radio show and you knew how to handle.

[A]

But it's also a delayed gratification, which is. And a. Whatever. I don't like to talk about myself on the show. But a quick story.

[D]

Do it this once. Do it just once.

[A]

Do it. Yeah, well, you know, this is the people show.

[D]

The people of an app. Trust me, the people would love it. Come on.

[A]

Okay, here goes.

[B]

A little window.

[A]

Here it goes. Here goes. No, I was always very good at football. And then I got to high school and I wasn't, and it sucked. And I was in the 10th grade and I sat on the fucking bench and I couldn't stand it. Football practice is brutal in the San Fernando Valley. And if the only thing that's good about football is you get to play on Friday night, you don't get to play Friday night. And all you do is practice. It's just a bunch of wind sprints. And then you sit on the bench on Fridays. And it sucked. And I had a talk with my coach at the banquet, and he said to me, I know you're pretty good, but you didn't start anyway because there's a guy who's a senior and we're going to let him start. But obviously I know you know how to play football. That's why you come back next year and you play on the B team, as it was called. Again, don't gain too much weight. Put on too much weight. Get over like 165, 170 pounds, you won't be able to come back again. They'll kick you up to JV or whatever they kick you up to. So keep the weight off, not all balls. Come back. Yeah, come back and you'll be a starter next year. And I thought, a starter on the B team. When I'm in the 11th grade, it'll be nice to start, but then I'll be a senior my next year, I want to play varsity. And it's hard to go from the B team to starting on the varsity. And I thought, fuck it. I'm gonna eat like a pig. I'll live in the weight room. I'll put on as much weight as I can put on, and then I'll go to varsity in the 11th grade and I'll sit on the bench for another year. So seven years of starting in Pop Warner, and then I'll get to high school and I'll sit on the bench for two fucking years. But When I'm a senior, I'll be on the varsity. I will have been on the varsity for a year already and I'll start my senior year at the varsity level. And turns out it's exactly what I did. And some guy ahead of me got hurt and I ended up starting as a junior on the varsity the next year. And then the next year I started both ways and got all valley and all that stuff. But I said, fuck it. I'm willing to sit on the bench again to go to the next level on the bench. And that's basically what it is. That's all. You need to take that and just sort of apply it to whatever it is you're trying to do in life and that'll do. It's called a delayed gratification. Back then, going from 10th grade to senior year seems like a thousand years when you're in that space. But to me, I wanted to start my senior year and that was gonna be the way I was gonna do it. I was happy that I got to start my junior as well.

[C]

So just gain a bunch of weight.

[A]

Gain a bunch of weight is what I'm saying. And personal capital. Oh, man. Free and secure tool solves two barriers to growing your wealth. First, hard to keep track of your stocks, 401k bank accounts, all the different sites, and all the passwords and all that takes care of that. Second, you don't have to pay someone to manage it all because you pay too much because there's personal capital. Please go to their website and just check these guys out. Your mind will officially be blown when you go to personal capital. I don't know how else to describe it other than extremely impressive. Puts all your accounts, all your assets on one screen. On your computer, tablet, phone. You can see exactly how much you are overpaying in fees. You can reduce them. It's personal capital. Set up your free [e-mail] Adam free account personalcapital.com Adam just go there and look at it and if you're not blown away, go away. But I think you're going to be blown away and it's free. Smart way to grow your money. PersonalCapital.com Adam all right, let's do one more baby girl.

[C]

So Mick Jagger's longtime girlfriend was found dead of an apparent suicide. Her name is Loren Scott, fashion designer, if you've heard of her. But she had. You know, a whole bunch of people have issued statements. Madonna and a bunch of other big names. But she was found dead in her Manhattan apartment at 10am on Monday. No note was found. There was no sign of foul play. She had texted her assistant 90 minutes earlier and asked her to come to her apartment, but didn't say why you. What a job. She was found kneeling with a scarf wrapped around her neck that had been tied to the handle of a French door. She was believed to have been 49, but she didn't disclose her exact age.

[A]

We call them freedom doors, but go ahead.

[C]

And she had canceled her London Fashion Week show due to reported production delays. Apparently she had a lot like there. You know, all these various stories have come out. Her business was not doing well. But Mick Jagger said that he's. Or his representative said that he's completely shocked and devastated by the news. Do you have any.

[B]

I've worked with Jagger a fair amount and I think he canceled a whole. They were just arrived and getting ready to start a whole Australian, New Zealand, I think tour and they canceled the whole thing. I think, you know, he was with her for a long time and he's the guy who's.

[C]

Yeah, since 2001.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoo. That's a. That's a long. In Jagger years. Like there's a dog year. Jagger dating rock star. Dating the same person year, which about the same as dog years. So he's been with her for like 80, 83 years. 84 years. Yeah. Sad. It's weird all the people that are killing themselves. Like it was supposed to be Billy Joe who's jumping off the Tallahatchie Bridge and all that kind of thing where it's like the young lovers torn apart and Romeo and Juliet and all this kind. It's weird that all people are hitting middle age and killing themselves and kind of sad.

[C]

Isn't suicide a 20 somethings game?

[A]

I thought so. But it's funny that there's all this mental illness and suicide and all this stuff that's going on where you're hearing about these people that are 50 years old killing themselves. Which again, this is supposed to be your girlfriend breaks your heart, you drink some cheap wine and jump off a Bridge at 19. Not this. Your fall line is a little bit late.

[C]

The thing that's just so disturbing about it is you think you know someone and then something like this happens. And I mean, I'm sure Mick Jagger is driving himself nuts wondering how did he not realize? How did he not realize she was in this way?

[A]

I have the feeling men are usually more successful at suicide just because, you know, we're better. That much better at things.

[B]

Odd bragging rights.

[A]

But proceed Women are probably much more impulsive about it and when they do it, they mean it. The ones who do do it mean it. And they. And it's probably more spur of the moment, more spontaneous, more hormonal. Yeah, well, what I'm saying is when a guy suicidal, he's suicidal for two years and then he kills himself. I feel like women just fucking do it.

[B]

I think one of her friends tweeted something like relating this to menopause in some way that that was a factor, at least in the mind of one of her friends, that she was going through a lot of changes emotionally and financially. As you mentioned. That's what keeps coming out.

[A]

I'd be interested. Interested too. In what age women commit suicide at more so because for a man, middle age is no big deal. Just buy a Corvette, get a new.

[D]

Wife, you know, that's your remedy for.

[A]

Yeah, and for me, obviously not in that order.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

But it wouldn't be a Corvette either. Wouldn't go American.

[A]

No, but I'm saying with the women either.

[D]

Yeah, the spiritually.

[A]

Right, spiritually, but for women it's like 50. Where'd my, you know, where's my youth? Where's my history? Where's all this? Or why didn't I, you know, marry or why didn't I do whatever I didn't do? I mean, I think there's just a lot more baggage that comes with the guy can always go, well, maybe I'll be the world's most interesting man when I'm 63. There's no most interesting woman. There's the 23 year old bimbets who hang next to him at the booth in the Cuban cigar joint. They're 23, they're not 50. That's maybe. And again, I don't know. When women kill themselves, I also think.

[C]

Depression isn't always situational.

[A]

Mm. Mm. I think you have to have something. What you need is that thing that you have with a good forest fire, which is a whole bunch of. Whole bunch of combustible material. And then somebody's got to flick that cigarette out the window. You know, you need that spark. Maybe you have this combustible material in terms of whatever's going on mentally with her. And then you have the fashion thing fall apart and then boom, that's it. Anyway, she'll be missed. Even though I didn't know who she was.

[B]

Well, it was actually who she was was a big issue because a lot of people, when it happened, just identified her as Mick Jagger's girlfriend. And then there was this Huge Sort of from the fashion world and her friends reaction, like, how dare you just classify her that way? And it was very interesting. The media couldn't quite get a handle on how to.

[A]

What to call her. Yeah. All right, let's bring it home.

[C]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenz. I bet. Cunt.

[B]

This is twin.

[A]

That was the news. Thank you with Allison Rose. All right, I want to thank our friends over at Podcast one for having us. You can find this show and tons of other shows over [e-mail] David Wilde. Wild about Music is where you tweet the man.

[B]

This could be the week of the surge that you've been promising for a long time.

[A]

Ah, that's just one guy. Looks good in a Speedo. I keep saying that. You never seem to understand Serge. Yeah, Serge is coming by. He's got one. He's got a shark tooth. He's wearing the tommy jar. Yeah. So until next time, Adam Carolla from David Wilde, Allison Rosen, and Paul Brian saying mahalo when a bear goes out.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

They get taste for human blood.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And then, you know, you eat out a bitch, you know.

[B]

All right, this is Adam Carlos show, episode 1284. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlos Show 1293 featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, David Wilde, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop.

[A]

Adam. DFG has been swapped out with David Wild. Oh, David Wilde. Yeah, sorry. Tired. A lot of podcasts today. Yeah, we'll get over it. There'll be other podcasts.

[B]

I can hear. I can hear.

[A]

David Wilde is here. Fitz Dog is here as well. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for telling a friend. Thanks for sharing the good news and thanks for all you do and making all this possible. Good to see you, Allison Rose.

[C]

Hello, Adam Carolla, Bald Bruins. I'm disgusted by gay sex.

[D]

Upernaturaltan wanted that very uncomfortable moment when Allison was revealing something very personal about her thoughts with the hashtag topdrop.

[A]

Somebody tweeted me. Thought we'd do a few favorite tweets. They tweeted me that the Dodger dog outsells every other hot dog and every other ballpark.

[B]

No, I can see that that's wrong.

[A]

I know. I can see it too. Just because I've lost faith in humanity. I mean, I think it's the alliteration.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

It's a fucking horrible hot dog. But I think Dodger fans have to be amongst the stupidest fans on the planet. I can't imagine that any. There's nobody from New York Or Boston that would go for this bullshit. It just. They're the worst fucking dogs ever. I can't believe they're the number one hot dog. They're not. By the way. If you like hot dogs, you don't like Dodger hot dogs. They're their own food form.

[B]

Phil Rosenthal says fair to the Dodger dog.

[A]

Oh, Phil. Fucking love Phil.

[D]

It really is unbelievable too, because LA has a lot of things to complain about it, but it is a great place for food. There's all ethnicities are represented very well. But Dodger dogs are a huge hit and they're terrible.

[A]

They're fucking horrible. The Rangers, the Red Sox and the Yankees, in that order are second, third, and fourth. Yeah, Red Sox and Yankees make sense. I don't know why Chicago should be in there somewhere, but my God, they would set that fucking stadium on fire if they served a Dodger dog at Wrigley.

[B]

I went to like 15 games, 20 games with my son, who's a baseball fanatic last year. And we eventually started saying, let's go the bleachers. And there's that section of the bleachers where you buy tickets, where you get as many hot dogs as you want. The secret is you only want one Dodger dog because they're just horrible. There is no joy in that dog.

[A]

I feel like that dog don't hunt. It is. Yes, it is. In a world now where the Jew does not have many natural elements in the wild, the Dodger dog. I do not think there's a Jew on the planet that likes Dodger dogs. I would like somebody to produce me the Jew that likes a Dodger dog.

[B]

Jews are just Johnsonburg.

[C]

Not even a Jewish child. Cause that's, I think, what that dog appeals to. Cause it has no skin.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Or the other end of spectrum, the old Jew, the Larry Kings of the Lark.

[A]

You think they'd like it because it had no skin, but no, it's quite the opposite, my friend. It is just fucking bad. And it's reason 128. Well, L.A. has to have some of the dumbest fucking people on the planet living here. Well, simultaneously smartest and dumbest.

[D]

Yeah, it's a gap. Yeah, Huge gap.

[A]

There's Elon Musk and then there's folks that go to Dodger Stadium and he's just fucking dogs. Anyway, I was just disgusted to find out. And I don't know what stadiums do, attendance wise. Well, meaning you got to factor in attendance when you're factoring in just sheer.

[B]

Number, dog per capita is what you're.

[D]

Looking for only holds 35,000 or whatever it is, you know, versus Dodger Stadium.

[A]

Right. But I can tell you that it seems like Boston is or Wrigley or whatever's a more well attended stadium. But now we're going to have to figure out who does. I'm sure Yankee Stadium's number one. I'd love to figure out if the old not candlestick, but whatever it is.

[D]

Now, the AT&T Park.

[A]

I feel like the Dodgers must come in in the top 10, but not in the top five.

[B]

But Dodger fans buy them in a more concentrated time because they leave around the fifth or sixth inning.

[D]

That's a good point.

[B]

Right, so that counters that.

[A]

And in terms of lineal footage of dog consumed, Dodgers would crush him because they hang nine inches out of the end of each fucking bu. Which completely destroys the ratio because you get the unjacketed dog hanging out of the bun and you bite it and you get no bun.

[D]

It's the worst combination. Bad food and great generous portions.

[A]

Yeah, and by the way, of course it's bad. They wouldn't be that generous with it if it was good meat. All right, find out the attendance and we'll figure that out.

[B]

Dodgers have the number one attendance.

[A]

They're number one. Last year they had 46,216 average. That's pretty good. 46.

[D]

Oh, they were good last year too.

[A]

Well, that's it.

[B]

Last year was great.

[A]

46 was the average attendance. Jesus, that's a lot of. Well, that's why. Because then if this. Well, we'll figure it out. And look, if this thing just goes along the same order of attendance, I'm going to be pissed. Because obviously if your ballpark averages another 10,000 human beings in it, then you're going to sell another 4,000 hot dogs each home game and thus you will have the crown.

[E]

Right.

[C]

That people are desperate and not discerning.

[A]

That's right. That's what we have here. Desperate and not discerning. All right. David Wilde has a song I don't.

[B]

I feel the people, as you mentioned on Twitter, make demands and they need to hear a theme song before I. It's not for me, frankly.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's not. It's a beautiful song, but it's not my song of the week. But the people have spoken and they need to hear that song.

[A]

Yeah. We're sitting here with David Wild, not much taller than a 10 year old child. Not the best looking guy in the place. Gallagher's hair, DeVito's face makes his pages for the Rolling Stone. A brilliant writer. The evidence shows writing books is also part of his game. If you hear a loud thud, he's just dropping names. Yeah. We're sitting here with David Wilde.

[D]

Beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, It's a wonderful, wonderful tune.

[B]

It's held up well.

[A]

Now, I know you have a song that you've.

[B]

Yes, I do.

[A]

With you.

[B]

Yes. In honor of tonight, as we're recording, this being the last episode, new episode of How I Met yout Mother. I've pickin. I've picked a song about your favorite topic. Mothers.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

This is a song by Matthew Hoople. Ian Hunter on lead vocals, that I.

[A]

What does Mott the Hoople mean?

[B]

It's a Dickensian character. I think it's a character from a Dickens novel. I believe this is like 7,273, the end of their sort of run. I have loved this song. It's one of those prettiest songs I've ever heard. And I don't know what he's on about. I. I think he's, like, looking at a girl and wishing he'd been in her family because he came from a bad one.

[A]

Listen, what year is this?

[B]

72 or 3, I think.

[A]

Hate the clothes you're wearing they're so pretty. I tell you not to see me and I tell you not to feel me and I make your life who is all in Matnahoo?

[B]

Mick Ralphs on guitar, who was later Bad Company. Oren Watts, Ariel Bender, who might be the same guy.

[A]

Bad Company was one of those bands that did the Trifecta. They had a song called Bad Company by Bad Company on an album called Bad Company.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. And it all worked for them.

[E]

That's right.

[D]

Not until Big country repeated that in 1984.

[B]

For about an hour and a half. Mick Ronson was in the band, but not at this point.

[C]

Go back to one thing for a second. I feel like you could take any name and say it's Dickensian and we just not.

[B]

No, I think it's a Dickens character. I believe it's from a novel. It may have been another writer of that period, but I think it's from a Dickens novel. You can look it up on. You can Google that.

[C]

I'm just saying no one's gonna do that.

[A]

So we're not gonna believe you.

[B]

No, I'm saying someone should do it. Just Google the meaning of Matthew. I think it's from maybe a different, more obscure novel.

[A]

What did they have to do with Apple or the Beatles or any of that?

[B]

Nothing they had to do with Bowie because what happened was they were this cool band that Bowie loved and they were about to break up because they hadn't really had any hits. And he offered them a song called First. He offered them, I believe Suffragette City, which they declined. And so he said, oh, how about this one called all the Young Dudes?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that became late in their run, a smash, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But no, they were not on Apple.

[A]

I'm thinking of Bad Finger.

[B]

Yeah, Bad Finger. Words. Ian Hunter sang was like the British biggest Dylan fan.

[A]

You can hear him sounding like Bob.

[B]

The phrasing on this is so Dylan.

[A]

All right, I grow wary. But a good deep cut just. I think we'll take a couple of phone calls. I want to tell you the Fitz dog's waiting out there. And we'll bring him a man who.

[B]

Knows his deep cuts.

[A]

A couple of few first barkbox baby barkbox.com oh man. You should bite off more than you can chew with Barkbox. Monthly box filled four to six full size products innovative, durable toys, leashes, treats and more. All made in the US of A. I say of because I love this country. I'm a patron. 100% natural elk and caribou. Wasn't that an Elton John album?

[B]

It's his record label and album.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Oh no. It's a recording studio and his album.

[D]

Well, which is it?

[B]

It's a recording studio. And the album title.

[A]

Speaking of that wild boar other lean meats. That's right. Keep your dog fit and healthy. They got three monthly plans tailored to your dog's size. Bark box committ helping the homeless pups out there. They give 10% to the homeless shelters for the shelters for the doggies over there in Canada and US. You can save 20% your new subscription by visiting barkbox.com Adam that's barkbox.com Adam so Caribou was it?

[B]

Recording studio in Colorado where a lot of people recorded and Beach Boys and Joe Walsh and all those people.

[A]

And Elton John named that album Caribou.

[B]

Yeah, the one with the don't let the sun go down on me, right?

[A]

Yeah. I wonder what. Yeah, I have to figure out. I remember that like a Carole King record. A couple of those floating around my house. You know it's interesting that when I grew up. When you grew up albums were around. They're pieces of furniture. When you had a house. That was my mom's house that she still lives in.

[B]

Disgrace land.

[A]

850 maybe 900 square feet like it is a very one bathroom, one bedroom. Very small footprint of a house. And so the albums in the house took a disproportionate amount of space up in the house that's a centerpiece. And they would get spread around a little, too. There'd be this one sitting over there and that one sitting over there and laying flat. That took up half the floor space of the house. But you'd see Tapestry, you know, you'd see these very iconic, like, I don't know, everybody remembers Dark side of the Moon and all that kind of stuff. Like, I remember this iconic imagery of Sgt. Peppers, and the list goes on and on.

[C]

Linda Ronstadt with the roller skates, right?

[A]

Like, everyone saw everything. It was all laid out and now it's gone. Kind of download the one Katy Perry song you like, and that'll be that.

[B]

To my kids, I hand them CDs and I buy them. Sometimes I love to go to a record store and buy with them, but they don't know what to do with it. It's, you know, music is just another thing on their phone.

[A]

Right? All right, a couple of questions that are out there.

[E]

Adam's on the phone.

[A]

Start line three, mark 30, Whittier. Hey, Adam.

[E]

Get it on.

[A]

What's going on, man?

[E]

Hey, guys. I was just calling because, you know, you always hear people talk about they had, like, a shitty childhood, and, I don't know, it seems like a lot of those people, like, stop talking to their parents or, you know, kind of, like, move on from that stuff. I. I guess, you know, like, oh, I don't really talk to my mom anymore. She kind of treated me a certain way.

[C]

I just.

[E]

I don't know if it was ever explained or, like, why you still talk to your parents. You must have a huge heart because you're always talking about all the stuff that they've put you through.

[B]

What we were all just saying right before you called.

[A]

I don't really talk to my parents. I don't not talk to them, but I don't talk to them. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't really talk to them, but they're also not really talkers either, so it's kind of hard. If my dad cut you off, you wouldn't know it. I mean, a few years would go.

[C]

By, but I think he's saying, why don't you not talk to them?

[A]

I don't. You know. You know, what you realize. And I was talking. Dr. Drew and I were talking to someone earlier today about this, which is understand what people's limitations Are as human beings. And if they're your kids. If my kids were like my parents, I would beat them constantly with a slipper until they changed. But considering my parents are now 70 something and 80 something years old, they ain't doing any changing. And so.

[D]

Plus his elder abuse.

[A]

This. That's right. This person, one of the greatest Mexican wrestlers ever.

[D]

Senor abuse.

[A]

Senor abuse ever to work the border circuit. Yeah. The fact that, you know. So this woman called and she said that, you know, my mom never recognizes this and she's very dismissive and she'd won an award and the mom kind of did the. And change the subject and all that. And I said, look, here's what you can do. You can not speak to them at all or you can have them over and constantly try to get something out of them that you're not going to get. You know, my dad. There's no such thing as my dad walking into my house and going, you got a Paul Newman race car. Let me see that bad boy. Do you drive it? What's going on? What's under the hood? Like, it literally, it's impossible. So what you do is you do what they're capable of, which is unfortunately sitting and talking about somebody else for a, you know, 45 minutes to an hour and 20, and then they leave. And then a month later you come back and talk about something that has to do with nothing again. But that's kind of what they're capable of. You don't try to get from them anything that you're not going to get from them or you'll be devastated or disappointed when you do get that from them because they won't give that to you. You talk about the kids, the grandkids, how's it going?

[C]

Even just hearing that description sounds painful. I think I'm just raw. But you have to get to a point where it doesn't keep hurting you, though.

[A]

The point will explain that.

[C]

What I mean is that idea of what they're capable of is coming over and sitting there and talking about someone else. And then in a couple months you do it again and you never. You don't get what you're looking for from them.

[A]

No, you're not. But you never did. And you're not gonna. That's the whole thing.

[B]

But to Mark's point, I will say, having lost a parent, not talking to a parent, aggressively making that stand, ultimately you have to see if you're gonna pay a price for that later. Like when they're gone. Is that something you're gonna regret. I think it's better to do what Adam is saying and keeping up some minimal relationship.

[A]

Yeah. Even if it's just sort of paper thin and there's. There's not any. But. But there's. Some people aren't capable of having that kind of relationship.

[C]

Are you talking about the child or the parent? Like, okay, like, I find myself, as much as I. I know. You are absolutely correct. And that's the point I want to get to. I still, look, I still try to achieve that level of connection that I will never get. It's like I do it over and over.

[A]

Right. And by the way, I think more of a female thing than a male thing. There's a certain pragmatism and there's a certain sort of emotional divorce that goes on with males where they just go, my mom's nuts. You can't bring this up in front of her. She'll never. No matter what you do, you know, it'll never be good enough. And you win the Nobel Peace Prize. And she'll go, oh, I bet shipping's a ton on that. What's it cost? Where is it? Zurich. How much to ship? Even on a slowboat, Even freight. How much would that cost? They'll just go to the most negative place in the world. So you can never bring up anything. So what you have to do is you have to do. What I do with my mom is we sit around and talk about muffins and smoothies. And smoothies. But it's literally, the conversations are, John and I found this place on the west side. It's not open on Tuesdays, but they do. Well, if bran muffins are your thing, you could probably keep driving. But if you like a corn muffin like I do, then we'll just talk about muffins for 35 minutes and then we'll. There'll be time to leave.

[C]

And you don't ever want to just scream and go, why the fuck are we talking about muffins?

[A]

No, because. What?

[D]

The podcast is for Alison.

[A]

Because there's no history. See, people act like, oh, we have a rich history of talking about unfood related products or non food related products. We don't have a history to get to. There's nothing to get back to. There's nothing to move forward to.

[B]

All of this makes sense until I realize that your dad, at least later, became a therapist. And then I go, I don't. I can't figure out your family.

[A]

Contractor's always the worst house on the block, as they say. And speaking of contractor, I have not had a show on television in a decade. I now have a show that's basically a hit, at least on, you know, by deep cable standards, on spike television. I have not spoken to anybody in my family about it. It's been week. Been four weeks now. No, I don't know if somebody said, has anyone seen it? Have you talked about it? Do you know they've seen it? Do they have cable? Do they know what the show's about? There has been no discussion on that topic from anyone in my family in any way, shape or form. It's not come up. I don't think it would ever come up. But here's point. I'm not going to bring it up. I'm not going to sit the next time I see my mom. I'm not going to go, what'd you think of last week's Catch a Contractor episode? Because she's going to go and then I'm going to what? And then there's going to be feelings hurt. Now we'll talk about muffins. Thank you.

[D]

Neutral ground.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Does Lynette ever try to intercede and say call your. Would she call your mother ever and say don't Miss Adams show. That's starting?

[A]

She did. She made a mistake. Well, there were two things she did. See, what I do is I don't get baited into the conversation. I don't get drawn. You end up having these exceedingly superficial non relationships. But that's, I think, the way they like it because there's a certain vulnerability in getting drawn into a relationship. So you just sit around. You mainly talk about other people, you know, old neighbors that have moved somewhere and somebody's going to get a hip replacement. And we'll talk about that for a while. Just talk about nothing. And it's fine with me. It's a sort of waste of time in terms of like, what are we visiting for? Because all we're doing is talking about our old neighbors from the seventies who moved away. Yeah.

[D]

This doesn't need to be done face.

[A]

To face, but as I've said many times, there's some, there's some watershed moments in the Corolla. I mean, my mom's had a few, you know, just humdingers in her career. I'd say the top of her mount. The top of her mount. Rush.

[B]

Her stairway to heaven.

[A]

Her stairway to heaven.

[D]

The lead clip on her sizzle reel.

[A]

Yeah. Would probably be the time we all sat around a dinner table and she announced, can anyone Give me one good reason why I should get cable. And I had two shows on cable at the time simultaneously. That was one of her. You're not really gonna beat that.

[B]

She said, one reason.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

She didn't say anyone. Give me two reasons.

[A]

Right? The man show and Loveline at that time. But the story I was laughing about with Drew today, you guys heard it, so I'll be fast. But my mom does not get excited about people, comedians, performers. She doesn't get whipped up about teams or anything. But she walked into my house about 10 years ago, and she was holding a VHS tape, very well worn, because I was recording all the different shows and then recording over the top of Doctor who and all that kind of stuff, just going over the top of everything. And she walked in, and she did this incredible mom thing, which she said. She held up the tape and she said, have you heard of the comedian named Jon Stewart? First off, I'm on the same channel as he is on at the time, number one. But number two, of course I know who Jon Stewart is, because he's my age and we both do comedy. Like, it'd be insane for me not to know who Jon Stewart was. If there was another squatty guy who wrote people's books and worked for Rolling Stone, you'd have to know who he was, right?

[B]

Unfortunately.

[A]

So she said, do you know who Jon Stewart is? And I went, yes, I know who Jon Stewart is, but I didn't get sucked into the conversation. She held up this tape, and she said, I saw him on Oprah. I think he's unbelievable talent. She doesn't talk about anybody this way. So clever, so charismatic. He's just so smart and so fast on his feet. And then Lynette made a big mistake. Lynette chimed in. Lynette said, you know, not only does Adam know who Jon Stewart is, Adam is friends with Jon Stewart. As a matter of fact, they have the same agent. And my mom paused and said, he's a little hit and miss. And we never watched a tape. And then two years later, Jon Stewart hosted the Oscars here in town. His name's never been spoken, has never not passed the lips of my mother since.

[C]

And she realized she was wrong about that.

[B]

I hope that tape that she didn't accidentally record over all your football games that you. She used to tape them all with a Betamax.

[A]

Yes. No.

[D]

She almost transferred to the dvd.

[A]

That's right. So that would be a very good example, Mark, of getting sucked in to a conversation where you'd get Disappointed. And in which case you should have said, I've never heard of Jon Stewart, but let me tell you about a place called Muffin City that just opened up in Burbank. And then you could have that conversation.

[D]

Is that in Muffin Town?

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Before condemning them to hell. One last question about your parents. Are they decent grandparents? Do they call and inquire or come to see or ask after your kid?

[A]

Yes, they are good. They are good people. You would think they were alcoholic drug abusers who, you know, worshipped at the devil's altar. No, they are the decent. The most. If there was somebody who, if you could find a stranger to hold your wallet, it would be my mom or my dad. That's who they are. That's exactly who they are. That's what's a little confounding about their process. But they're level headed, decent, sober people. Absolutely. So, Mark, find out what your parents, if you do want to know, are sort of capable of. And then you can't go past that.

[D]

Set your own bar of expectations.

[A]

Yeah. You know where it's at? I mean, it's like, I'll give you. I'll give you. For instance, my mom lives in my grandma's house and she's lived in my grandma's house for 60 years. And that's the place where the one Frampton Comes Alive. Is that a double album? Double album, right. That takes up the whole floor.

[F]

If you fold it open, the gate folds.

[A]

Gate folded open, it'll take up the whole living room.

[B]

If she'd bought Goodbye Yellowbrook Road, you would have been screwed in the whole house.

[A]

That's right. So she's lived in that house for 60 years. She's been waiting for my grandma to die, I think kind of. Grandma finally died. They went and been working away on her house. Grandma's house only two blocks away. An upgrade, a lateral move, maybe a couple hundred square feet extra, what have you. I'm a carpenter and I'm also a guy with a motor. You know, I'm a guy who, you know, I walk into my house and if I see some shit sitting by the front door, I'll go, where's this going? And Lynette will go, well, that's a box. I'm going to bring it to the Goodwill and I'll go, okay. And then a week later it'll still be sitting there and I'll go, what's that doing? And she'll go, it's going to the Goodwill, and I'll go, put it in the back of your car now. And that way, at least it'll be in your car. And when you get to the Goodwill, you get to the Goodwill. But I won't trip over it. But I'm a very. Let's crank it up. Let's get it going. And I was a contractor, and this house she's working on is either done or not done or almost done. I ain't asking questions. My sister got involved, wanted to know what was going on, and got some pushback. And I said to her, what are you doing? You know? And she said, well, she's working on the house. She's almost done with the house. Why is it taking so long to move into a house? She's just moving in the. And I'm like, well, where do you think this is gonna go? Muffin talk, baby. More muffin talk and less real talk about moving and deadlines and motivation. And you don't, you know. Well, you've been working on the house for three years, and all it needed was a coat of paint, a little plumbing. What's taking so long?

[D]

Blueberry carrot bread.

[A]

That's right. Come on.

[D]

Keep it coming.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Like, do you want to engage? Because where's that going to go?

[B]

I got a feeling she. Your mom could be the sort of homeowner you dealt with only last night on Catch a Contractor.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That she might be at fault.

[A]

It was compelling. It would turn out to be the homeowners.

[D]

That was Christie's favorite episode so far.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

She was like, I like. I like. I like the twist. I like how it's not.

[B]

It challenged every notion of the show for us.

[D]

So many shows just follow the formula, and the formula's good, but it's the same thing. It's like, I like how they switched it up.

[A]

Well, it turned out maybe the homeowners weren't so good in that case. And I had a nice time watching it with my daughter, who was sucking up to me big time. Now, that's all. I. I had no idea that all I had to do was pop up on fucking TV for her to start being nice to me. But it's exactly the truth. My son is exactly who he was and who he is. And my daughter's, like, literally cuddling. Come on, Daddy. Let's go to the kitchen, get some postum.

[D]

Hey, good looking. Hey there, handsome.

[A]

Someone's been working out. Yeah, she's literally holding. She's cuddling up, and she's a brick. I mean, she headbutts me and jumps off the bed with a flying fist and punches me in the groin and stuff like that. And all of a sudden she's come on, Daddy. And holds my hand. Let's watch your show. Sit down. Sort of trying to figure out cadence wise, the right place to laugh and that kind of thing. It's a totally different human being. It wears off by like Tuesday of the following week. But then it's back on.

[D]

There's a new episode.

[A]

Then when it's back on Sunday night again. It's fucking weird, but it's wiring and it is definite female wiring. Dudes aren't wired that way. I mean, they got a little of that on them, but this is. I'm the dad, you know. She should be used to me walking around the house or she should love me unconditionally or whatever the fuck it is. Oh no. There's a lot of conditions and a lot of them are based on being on tv.

[B]

She should work at caa.

[A]

That's right. That's exactly what it's like.

[B]

She's a heat seeking LA.

[A]

Yes machine.

[D]

Speaking of which, line 5 is about the. It's a good question, I think, probably.

[A]

But do your read first. Line five, hold on. Blinds Galore, baby. Oh, spring sprung, baby Fixing up your home should be blinds, shades. Blinds Galore dot com. We use these guys. You need to use these guys. Everything that Blinds galore does is 100% custom window treatments made for your personal window, not just your house. The window that's in your house, it's family owned and run. Over 15 years experience selling blinds and shades. They've mastered the art of helping you create the perfect window. Let's not skimp in this department. I'm telling you, man, something with some good action keeps the light out, keeps your house 10 times cooler during the summertime and warmer in the winter. Absolutely. Blinds galore, man. Free samples, free shipping. You get expert advice and convenience. Cheap. Blinds Galore really does have Blinds galore. Go to blinds galore.com, let them know I sent you. That's blinds galore dot com. Let me know I sent you. All right, Mike35. Hey, Ace, man, what's going on, man?

[E]

Hey, I gotta start a new job last June and my seven year old son, I travel a lot, mostly three or four nights during the week. And he's starting to show signs of separation anxiety. You know, he's just always sick, complaining, say, misses me and just curious if you ever came across this since you travel a lot and your son seems to have the same mannerism as mine.

[A]

No, he's very self. Sufficient, contained, my son. He's very laid back. He's like, I've never met someone with that kind of even temperament. Temperament that he has. You know, he'll have a model and he'll go, dad, can we build this model on a Wednesday? And I'll go, well, we'll do it on Sunday. And he'll go, okay. Which to a kid is a million years away, and that's an impossible position. And he's just that. Natalia's nothing like that. But he's just that very. No, I've not experienced any of that. Now he's. He's surrounded by people and gadgets and things to keep him busy. And he's also just a little bit of a loner. Like, he'll just go out to the backyard and shoot baskets for two hours. And he doesn't need you to come out and shoot with him. He'd like you to come out and shoot with him. But if you're not there, he'll do it without you. It's a weird thing. It's another one of those things where guys normally are into things and women are into people. Guys are into their stuff. He can sit there and monkey with something. Whereas most women, they need that, you know? My daughter's following Lynette around the house all day, every day, wanting to show her something, tugging on this, showing that, wanting to do this. It's always an engagement.

[C]

Do they play with each other?

[A]

Yeah, they do. But he doesn't need her. She needs him. And he doesn't need anything. He just needs, you know, some Legos. And he's. He's cool. Now, as far as the kid goes, your kid, that is. Mike. You're gone how often?

[E]

Usually leave Monday morning. I'm flying back Friday afternoon, late Friday afternoon, I finally get into the house.

[A]

Yeah. So that's the whole week.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Without dad. But how's everything else at the house? Is he getting along with Mama? Yeah.

[E]

No, no problems. He's got the older sister who's 11. He gets along fine with them. It's just when I'm gone, that's when he's constantly complaining about stomach hurting, missing me. And it's just. It's tough, you know?

[A]

Well, it's better than, don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way out, old man. And then you go, I'll be back Friday. And he'll go, make it Sunday. Take a weekend for yourself.

[D]

What's the Rush.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey, one last question.

[A]

Yeah. Look, here's the thing, Mike. It's gonna happen. Think about all the kids whose parents are in the military and that kind of stuff. It just is. He'll understand. I have never heard a kid, as an adult bitch about a dad who was working. Like, they may not have liked it at the time, but once they become adults, they do the, oh, my dad worked super hard, he traveled all the time and he wasn't even there for a lot of the stuff. And because as long as you're not banging your mistress or drunk somewhere, they're cool. They understand if you're like out busting your hump for the family, they forgive. Sorry. Go ahead, Mike. Alright.

[F]

Hey.

[E]

My son is also showing some interest in football and my wife's having some resistance to it. Where you come down on that?

[A]

Well, as I always say, a dislocated finger heals in a couple of weeks. But, but being a pussy is a lifetime sentence, so you can tell her I said that. I love guys who played sports. I just love guys you could have wrestled or you could have played football. Organized sports, just discipline, working with other people. By the way, the number one thing I think you'd want with your kid, and I think you can do it in many different ways, forms for women, sports, music, dance, stuff like that, is if you grow up where you have somebody correcting you. I did 40 minutes of this in my kitchen last Friday with just me and Olga. But I said, look, when I was ball. Bryan, you know, when you play football, you get into. I was just kind of explaining to Olga, look, here are the keys to success. Here's what you need to. First thing you need.

[D]

Olga said finally.

[A]

Well, listen, I pay her. I pay her to listen. She can work while she listens, but the point is this. Every motherfucking person in my life doing the push off as you start talking, like, yeah, okay, yeah, okay, now just that.

[D]

Don't tell me my business.

[A]

That repelling motion. Don't do that. When you play football. When I was seven, you get down to a stance and you just get down to your football stance in your three point stance. And then the coach, some big scary guy in a windbreaker with a beard, he like walks around, he looks at you a little bit and then at some point he kicks your hand. And as he kicks your hand, your hand goes out. He doesn't kick it toward you, he kicks it away from you and you fall over on your face. And then he goes, you got too much weight on your hand.

[D]

You're leaning too far forward.

[A]

You're leaning too far forward. Now get your weight centered up over your ass. Bend your thighs, get your weight back, put your hand down. And then he comes back and kicks it again. Now, I didn't go, hey, dude, what the fuck? I understood immediately. All this guy wanted me to do is be a better football player and have better stance. Now, he had a crude method for showing me that I had too much weight on my front fingers.

[D]

That's a lesson you're not going to forget.

[A]

But I didn't forget it. And I never.

[D]

Hence, you remember it right now.

[A]

That's right. It's been a scant 40 years and I still remember it. And it was never personal. It was always just like, this guy wants this out of me and this will be better for me. And that's all it ever was. And I grew up on a steady diet of that. If you play football, it's just that. Just a lot of son guy grabbing you by your face mask. Listen to me. You pick off the linebacker. You're the lead blocker now. Pick him off. And that's all you say. And then they shove you back out on the field. There's no, why are you yelling at me? Watch your tone. Why are you getting physical? Go blame somebody else on the line. None of that. Just go do it. And then you get used to it. And then you just go have people tell you how to get better. Everything I learned about being a carpenter was some old dude coming up to me on a job site going, you're not doing it right. Do it this way. And I wouldn't go, this is the way I do it. I'd go, fine, I'll do it your way. And I became a good carpenter.

[B]

You're having a lot of emotionally significant discussions with Olga lately. I'm wondering, are you having the talks with her that you never had with Mom? Is that what's going on?

[A]

She is. She is. She's matronly, I will say that. Especially since she doesn't know what that means. And she sits. You know what I like about her? She fucking works like my nanny. Olga's a worker. And she's also like, she literally said when I was done with my 25 minute tirade and getting down on my three point stance and my father, you.

[D]

Got cut off at some point.

[A]

Well, that was just on the stand.

[D]

Okay. The first step was another 11.

[A]

There's an extended dance version. Yeah.

[B]

Does she speak during these long conversations you have with one another?

[A]

No, she just. She Goes, she stopped when I was done and she goes, can I do anything any better? What can I do? Wow, tell me. And I said, no, those are the.

[B]

Words that must be magic to you.

[A]

I said, listen, first off, when you ask, then you're not part of the problem. It's like I would tell all the people I talk to go, like, I want to be a good parent. I'm just worried that I'm not. My wife's on the other line and we're both worried. And I'm like, well, I have no worries about you because the shitty parents never call up. They go, I love my child and he loves me and that's all. And I have great love and I love him from prison. And then he knows and he can feel it coming through the loose sight and all that kind of stuff. It's like the person that calls and wants to know how they could be a better parent. I already know. You're off my list. You're going to be a fine parent. You may not be the best, but the fact that you're asking the question, that's all Olga's thing. It's like, I want to be better. How do I get better?

[D]

Like the kid goes up to like ask what kind of extra credit. Some people can do extra credit at him in class and some people go to the teacher afterwards and ask, you know, that kid's on the path of success.

[A]

That's right. And that was all going with my thing. But let's not push everyone off. Let's not do the, this is how I do it. Let's not repel everybody. And that's what I think is good about any discipline, any sports. Any of that coming up.

[D]

The other thing, the other component, I agree with you. The other component that both I would imagine carpentry and football have in common is when you screw up, you, the entire team suffers. You know, in football, you jump off the line to either a penalty, everyone's got to do laps, what, what have you. Depending on game versus practice in carpentry or construction, you screw up this one thing, they could spend half a day un fucking it. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yes, yes. When you put up technical terminals, no, you put up the shear wall, but you put it up horizontally instead of vertically. Or you took the stamp and you put it on the inside instead of on the outside where the inspector could see it. Or you used the eight penny sinkers instead of the ten penny ring shank. And everyone's gonna have to get out the cat's paw. And start pulling that thing off. And yes, yes, it happened day of unfucking million times. It's happened on a construction site where one guy, like, cut a beam too short, fucked it up, and then everybody got everything ground to a halt and all that. And, yeah, in football, it's like one guy goes offsides, everyone runs laps. You learn that super quick, and you just internalize everything. All right, so I like football. I. Look, I don't like the concussion part of football, but I do like the part. I do like the part where you get a ton of discipline and you learn to play with other players and you learn to sacrifice yourself for the. For the better of the team. David. Wild. Yes, wild about music. And. Have you caught Rick Springfield yet?

[B]

I don't believe so. I haven't checked today, but I will as soon as I get home.

[A]

And anything coming up?

[B]

I'm working on three things that are taking me to the west side every day and making me bitch about traffic. But I can't talk about any of them. They're all top secret right now.

[A]

Are they like award shows or books or that kind of thing?

[B]

One's an award show, and two are big events.

[A]

And I can't really say, but there's something big. I feel like McCartney may be popping up again.

[B]

Here's the thing. I'm getting very well paid this month, but I'm not having many names to drop, so it doesn't feel as good. I can't. I have them, but I can't share them. But just know they're there.

[D]

There's an epic dropping coming at some point.

[B]

Oh, yeah. In a month or so, it's gonna get ugly.

[A]

I'll tell you what would feel good. Stamps.com. baby, that always makes me feel good. Pop quiz. Best time to go to the post office before work, after work, during lunch. Brian, what do you think if I.

[D]

Had to choose.

[A]

Wrong? Never, Damn it. Never. That's right. There's no convenient time to go to the post office. You go to stamps.com. that's what you need. You can buy and print official U.S. postage. And you do it right from your own computer. They got a special offer. Enter the promo code Adam for a no risk trial. $110 bonus. Offer goods, digital scale, 55 bucks free postage. Go to stamps.com. before you do anything else. Click on the microphone, top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That is stamps.com promo code Adam. And we'll take a quick break. Fitz dog. Greg Fitzsimmons is out there. We'll Bring him in. Next, Fitz Dog, Greg Fitzsimmons with us. He's gonna playing at the Fort Lauderdale Improv and Morty's Comedy Joint, Indianapolis also that is May 24th, sorry, April 24th through the 26th. May 8th through the 10th now Pittsdock.

[F]

Feels good to be home.

[A]

Adam, always glad to have you back. I'm just getting started doing the pre production on this road hard movie and I wonder if you can walk me through what would be a tough weekend for you doing comedy and the general schedule, I mean to me as bad as it gets, is flying in a day early to do morning radio, right? What is it tough like for you? And you like doing stand up, but still when you see some of these dates on your calendar, you see some of those coming up like a hemorrhoid, right? Like, oh, that's going to be a rough patch.

[F]

Yeah. Well, Don, my rare always says I do comedy for free. They pay me to travel, right? And it is, it's coming in a day early. They say come, you know, the gig is Friday, Saturday. You're like, great, it's just the weekend. Then like, yeah, they actually want you to come in on Thursday night to do Friday radio. And so then you come in and you get in at midnight.

[A]

No, Thursday night to do Friday morning.

[F]

Radio for shows Friday, Saturday night, right? And then you get in and of course you want to take the latest flight out. So you get in at midnight, you're in the hotel, settled in at 1:30 in the morning, right? And then you got to wake up for radio at like 5:30 in the morning, which is if you're on the East coast, that's 2:30am LA time, right? Try to get in a couple cups of coffee because you're about to sit face to face with a bunch of guys that are wired. They do this every morning and they are peaking as you walk in in a pair of sweats, try and. And they just hit you. So what's going on? Who are you seeing out in Hollywood? What's going. And you just like, you just fight to stay in there and then you finally get to that like fourth interview and you're in it. And then they're like, okay, we're done. Back to the hotel. Now you go like, all right, I guess I'll snap one out that could get me to sleep.

[A]

Sure.

[F]

There's nothing worse than you do that. And now you're.

[C]

Is that masturbating or taking shit?

[F]

Well, it's called the Self Blumpkin do at the same Time. No, you try to lay down and you try to masturbate and then you try, you think that's gonna knock you out, but you forgot about all the caffeine. So then you finally fall asleep around 3 o'. Clock. You get up at 6:30, dry mouth, groggy, gotta go on stage in an.

[A]

Hour, do two shows.

[F]

Do two shows. And there's always a local guy who's got a podcast, wants to come in and grab you in the green room between shows.

[A]

That's right. It's not gonna take any time at all. The part Greg's right now, the words. Now Greg didn't give this part, but the part where you do the one show Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, one Sunday, and they need you in on Wednesday to do the same thing. But it's Thursday morning radio this time. But the club owner will pick you up and you'll make the rounds. It's not like a town car comes by, he picks you up. The thing I've noticed about club owners is they have nice cars that were really nice in 1996 when they were new. So you're like, you're driving around in a loaded Lexus 400, except for it has 700,000 miles on it and it's 21 years old. And you're like, I know this is technically a night like when I was in high school, this was a really nice car.

[D]

But it's a top of the line Saturn convertible.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's ironic that you bought the best car that money could buy in 1997, but it's 2014 and you're still driving it. So that's take. I'm gonna deduct points. I mean it's literally.

[F]

Well, that's like in la when I see you go to the valet and you see a guy and that, that 97, you know, stocked Lexus pulls up and you go, that's the last year this guy had a really good game, that Siri had a development deal, right?

[A]

So these guys all have a BMW 5 Series, but it's from 98. And so it's weird because it is a Nissan Altima, 2 years old is way more expensive than the car this guy's driving, but he's still driving BMW 5 Series. He takes a certain amount of pride in that. But it's got a lot of ass miles on it. And then he's going to drive you around and he kind of knows the guys and they have a weird relationship. The guys who do the morning show, the guys that are programming the station and he drives you to those and you make the rounds and he picks you up at 5:30 in the morning or whatever it is, you're completely out of it because of the time change. And yes, you try to catch the latest flight out to make it, you know, door to door. That's. You get paid when you leave your house to the time you come in through the door. So you try to shrink that window. But there's that point. And this is why I think a lot of these guys become alcoholics and drug addicts. Because when you get back to Your room at 10:45 in the morning and you're sort of wide away at 10, but strung out all, when you're done snapping the one off and dropping the deuce, you think, I need a couple beers, right? Like, I gotta knock myself down, I gotta do two shows tonight. My fucking calendar and clock is spinning around, right?

[F]

Cause your normal clock is like, people go, oh, you have kids, you must never sleep. No, my wife understands that my eye needs peak at around 8 o' clock at night. So I get up at 10, 10:30, right? That's my one caveat. I work non stop day and night, but I get up late, right? But now you're flying in and they're taking that clock and they're fucking you on it so that by 8 o' clock at night you don't know where you are, what time zone. Then the Friday night late show. The audience has been working all week, all day drinking since they got out of work at six o'.

[D]

Clock.

[F]

And now the opener and the middle act go long. Show started late, some dipshit's doing a guest spot, right? So you're hitting the stage at 12:10am on a Friday. You, you're exhausted.

[A]

Yes.

[F]

And then you just go. And they're like you selling your DVDs after the show. There is no after the show. Yes, there's me darting out the back door.

[A]

The. There's two things too. There's that really weird feeling where you go, you wake up and it's now dark. You know, you've taken, you've drank your two beers. You'll do a thing where you'll watch some movie or something you'll do. So you'll decide you need to eat, whatever, and you wake up and it's dark out and you go, I got an 8 o' clock show and a 10 o' clock show and it's 6:30 and yeah, you got the cottonmouth. You don't feel like you can string a sentence Together. Your head's kind of throbbing. You're a little bit disoriented, and you're like, all I have to do is go out and do two 90 minute shows back to back. And yet in between, Beef wants to do a podcast because Mike August told you that it gets to millions of people. Beef.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Beef. Beef. Beef was Phoenix.

[D]

We all know Beef.

[F]

Beef in Phoenix.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

No, I'm kidding.

[A]

Oh, no. Beef is the guy Mike August hooks up with. Always hooks up with, like, the local guy and goes, this guy will get you a lot of. Sell a lot of tickets for you, but he wants to come out first and say a little something, something.

[C]

Oh, I think I do know who you mean. Yeah.

[A]

This guy sitting backstage, you know, just chunky white dude, 24, talking about his name is Beef. His name is Beef. He's telling about his sugar mama. And it was like one of those moments where I went, you got a sugar mama? And he's like, yeah, man, I got a sugar mama. Oh, there he is. That's Beef. Beef in Phoenix. I said, you have a sugar mama, huh, Beef? And. And it looks like he's lost a couple pounds. I said, yeah. I said, what is it? What do you get with a sugar mama? Like, how's it go? How's it work? And he literally just leans back and he stretches out his shirt, and he goes, it's a T shirt with a fucking dragon on it. And he goes, she got me this. I said, she got you a T shirt. That's a sugar mama gets you a T shirt. And you're like, well, it's a pretty nice T shirt. And I'm like, it's a cool dragon, but it's still a T shirt. And he's like, and the shorts. All right, we're up to $27 now. Like, I thought you were supposed to look out the window and we're gonna see a gold El Dorado parked in the parking lot.

[F]

And this is the guy that August is saying has got juice in Phoenix. Oh, he's your ticket to ride.

[D]

Beef has juice.

[F]

He's a jus.

[A]

Beef. There you go.

[F]

Don't laugh at me. Brian got a. Got a chuckle from the control room on that one.

[A]

Beef.

[D]

How long, everyone?

[A]

Beef. Yeah, but you got it in between. You got to do that.

[F]

You got to do that. There's one club. I won't say where it is, but the club owner has a podcast, and this is a guy that twice now I've flown into the club, and this is a Thursday through Saturday gig. So I had to fly on a Wednesday night, east coast. The last two times I've flown in. And then I get there and they go, yeah, we actually, we didn't line up any press. We didn't.

[A]

We just dropped it early.

[F]

Yeah, we dropped the ball. So a day of my life gone, and then the guy wants you to do his podcast between the shows and it's like an hour and a half straight. And it's just like, you know, you got to start paying me more to put up with this.

[A]

What is the now worst green room? Worst green room, yeah.

[F]

Well, assuming there is one, there's clubs that literally do not have one.

[A]

Right. Like, there's a place in. Is it St. Louis? That's downstairs. That doesn't have. I'm trying to think of the club that's. What is it, St. Louis. Figure it out. That. That has like a place where they keep outfits, but no.

[F]

Oh, that's Cleveland.

[A]

Yeah, Cleveland, Cleveland.

[F]

Yeah. Because there's a cabaret show on the other row. That's right. And the dancers all change it, which sounds exciting. I'm in the same green room as the burlesque dancers, but then they go like, no, no, no, you can't go in there.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[F]

It's just, that's where it would be. So you can leave your bag in there if you want, but you can't hang out. And so you end up hanging out. And if it's a sold out show, you are literally standing in the way of the servers who are trying to get to the service bar because that's the only area that's. That's free. And meanwhile, then they put on different acts each night. So I want to know who's going on ahead of me because I want to know if they're doing a bit about powdering their balls.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Which is my thing. I want to know. So I don't do it. They got different acts in front of you on each show. So you got to be in the room somewhere watching the other comedians. Meanwhile, the audience is looking at you going like, you're the headliner. Shouldn't you be in a dressing room somewhere?

[A]

Yeah, Atlanta has that place.

[F]

Oh, the upstairs.

[A]

The upstairs.

[F]

Where you share the office with the people that are telemarketing.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

There's people on the phone going like. And you see how desperate things are. They're like, do you want to come to the Saturday 8 o' clock show for Greg Fitzsimmons? We'll give you two for one tickets and you're like, maybe if he was the guys that got me some morning radio on Thursday, you wouldn't be giving tickets away.

[A]

Yep. Addison, Texas. The improv up there.

[F]

Addison's upstairs.

[A]

A lot of that. Yeah. I.

[F]

An Addison one is directly next door to a hand job shack.

[A]

Oh, is it?

[F]

And so it's always like, geez, I don't know. As a customer, people. I know people. There's a choice being made on the steps of the Addison Improv. I don't know if this show's got a happy ending, but I know this Asian place does.

[A]

I did not know. I did not know that about the Addison Improv. I knew it was doing. I think the most depressing thing in comedy is doing comedy at a place that was not made to facilitate comedy. Every once in a while, you drive past that place where the architecture is clearly a Wienerschnitzel or it's an IHOP or something. Has it very clear. But it says tax preparation crudely lettered on the front. You go, oh, no, that's an IHOP that went bad. And the guy's doing far stuff. No one who does tax prep has a drive through window and a menu that's been covered over with very few, very few. So it's sort of like you go, that was not meant to be in there, but they shoehorn it in.

[F]

Right.

[A]

I think Kirkland, Washington has a mini mall that has a place that used to be. I think it was like a round table pizza or something like that. Like, were the ceilings super low? Like, by the time you get up on stage, your head is pushing one of those acoustic ceiling pieces up there. Look at the place that's in Kirkland, Washington.

[F]

There's a place in Boston, and I think it's still going after 25 years, called the Comedy Vault. And it is an underground. It was a bank. And it's literally the vault of the bank is the showroom.

[A]

Speaking of upstairs and uncomfortable and in Atlanta in that place that's kind of a. It's kind of a. It's like a big a frame. Looks like a hunting lodge or something. Yeah.

[F]

Been there for 25, 30 years.

[A]

Yeah. It was one of these things where it was right in the middle. Jim Brewer went on an insane rant about, you know, how he's gonna kill me and how he can't stand me and he's gonna punch me. Remember about three, four years ago, Jim Brewer's like, if I ever see Adam Carolla, I'm taking a swing at that asshole. Fuck him. And he was on Howard Stern telling him how he hated me and I fucked myself and he was gonna kill me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was over. It was a long story. Had to do with David Allen career. It was really nothing personal, but I understand why Jim. He felt the way he felt about me, but it was a long thing about what a dick I was. And now if he ever saw me, he was going to take a swing at me and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, God damn. So I was playing there, I believe, on like a Wednesday night, and I said to the guy, who do you got coming up this week? I was playing like a Wednesday, Thursday night or something like that. And I said, who do you got playing this weekend? And he said, jim Brewer's playing this weekend. And I went, whew. Just dodged that bullet because I'm out of here after the show on Thursday. And he was like, nah, he's coming in a day early to do press and he's coming to the club. And I remember thinking, oh, shit. Then there's that moment where I'm in the miniature green room backstage, but I'm going to go out to stage. But I know at some point I'm going up that weird staircase to the telemarketing center up at the top of the A frame.

[C]

It's like a rap feud.

[A]

Yes. I know Brewer's up there somewhere or he's watching me, or I can't tell if he's where he is, but I know he's in here somewhere. Nothing more distracting when you're doing a 90 minute set, by the way.

[F]

Oh, and knowing somebody's watching you and.

[A]

Knowing when you're done.

[F]

Right, right.

[A]

We're gonna have to talk this out. Or maybe more.

[C]

So what ended up happening?

[A]

What ended up happening was I did not miss him. He did come in a day early. He was waiting up top in the telemarketing center with the weird roof that had the pitch, you know, the ceiling with the pitch on it, like the A frame.

[D]

Was he punching his fist and rubbing it? That'd be a great moment for roadheart.

[F]

Was the collar up on his denim jacket?

[A]

It was popped, Yes. I was just like trying to get through my set. And also you kind of want to be funny because my whole thing was. I said he wasn't funny. Now it's time for me to be funny. At a certain point I just went up there and we just sort of buried the hatchet and hashed it out. No big fireworks and all that kind of stuff. But we Were staying at the same hotel and all that good stuff.

[F]

Yeah, it feels good though, doesn't it? When you have a beef with somebody and then you move past it. I've had a few.

[A]

What feels better is never seeing them again.

[F]

Right? That feels better.

[A]

But if you have to see him, it does feel good just to kind of get through it.

[F]

Yeah, but did you feel, I mean, you're a boxer. Did you feel like party was looking forward to seeing him and maybe fighting him and winning?

[A]

No, I never, I never feel that way. I never feel. I never feel physical fear. I only feel emotional and spiritual fear. Like I never have a physical fear. And maybe that's just too many coaches kicking my hand out from age 7.

[D]

Falling out of your stance.

[A]

And also, if you listen to my buddies Ray and Chris, who are both behemoths, we fought pretty ferociously on a daily basis. A lot of elbows flying and headlocks and guys kicking each other and stuff. Like it was a scrap throwdown with two big super strong guys from age 11 on, you know, so if a guy puts his hands on me, I never feel any sense of threat because my buddy Ray's a maniac and he was trying to kill me for 28 years and it's never, it's not worked.

[F]

Let that be a lesson to you kids. Find overly aggressive larger friends.

[A]

Yeah, find overly aggressive larger friends and then just do battle with them your entire. Your entire life. I've never felt that physical part, but I feel the emotional part of like this guy's pissed and he's upset and we're gonna have to have words and I'm gonna have to explain to him and this is uncomfort uncomfortable. That part I feel.

[F]

So what was the opening line? Who had it?

[A]

I think I told Mike August to say sorry for me. He was with me. I don't remember. I think I just. I usually find that the other parties are sort of receptive to it too, because you got to keep in mind they went on a six month campaign where they called you a douchebag 2,000 times. So there's a sort of part of them that feels like did call the guy douchebag 2000 times. Maybe. Maybe we're even. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. Have you had that with anybody?

[F]

Yeah. Many times.

[A]

Outside of the family?

[F]

Yeah. Well, of course. Yeah, I heard my dad was talking shit about me. But the weird thing is then he beat me up.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

It seemed like it should have been.

[A]

Did you have that with a Comedian.

[F]

Yeah, I did. I mean, I've had it with a few. Like, I used to talk shit about Jeff Ross a little bit, and, you.

[A]

Know, it was like, an Jeff Ross is very sensitive. It for the king of the roasters.

[F]

Well, no, in this case, he wasn't like, he didn't even know that I was doing it. And then I felt bad that I'd been doing it, and so I called him and I just said, hey, man, I'm really sorry. And he's like, for what? And I was like, you know, I've said shit about you. And he's like, why would you do that? And I was like, yeah, X, Y, and Z reasons. And he was like, all right. He's like, why'd you call? I was like, that's it. And I hung up.

[C]

So you made it worse.

[F]

I felt better about it, and now I. And now we're friends. And yet we were always friends, but now we're both friends. Yeah, it's very weird. And I love the guy. He's a very, you know, he's a very nice guy. So I realized I talked too much shit on my show because, you know, you're alone in the fucking studio, and there's nobody. It's just, you know, it's you guys, and you say whatever about anybody. And then later on, you realize, like. Like, you know, I've said shit about one of my son's friend's dads, and it got back to the guy, and he's African American, and I was fucking around. But school parent sensitivity is very different than podcast sensitivity.

[D]

Greg. Adam's constantly making these phone calls to apologize. I mean, it's the story of his life, really.

[A]

My son's second grade teacher, everybody had to fucking bring it to her attention. And the people. My son's kids on his basketball team and the whole nine yards. But the colossal, colossal despicable douchebags who do the. I just thought you ought to know, because my son's second grade teacher would never hear what I had to say on my podcast if. And somebody didn't literally play her a tape of it, which brought her to tears, by the way. And not only that, tears of laughter.

[D]

This is Mr. Brightside bit we do.

[A]

She was brought to tears, and then, you know, got the long letter from her saying that, you know, was this.

[C]

About the Starbucks and the first name and all that?

[A]

No, that was another teacher. That was a go. That was first grade. This is second grade. We're moving on. Yes, this is. Yes. Fuck them.

[F]

You were right.

[C]

Here Comes another letter.

[A]

Be careful when you have children. One day, if you unthaw that sperm.

[D]

Of yours, address your letters to bald Bryan's balls.

[A]

Yes, I was shamed in my son's second grade class. I pointed it out to the teacher, it turned into an online podcast rant and somebody sort of played it for her and it had to do with taking one of those miniature chairs and breaking it over her head or something like that. Something like that. Well, it's comedy. Colorful witch's language.

[F]

Hey, you know, you really don't. It's almost like most normal people weigh out all the possibilities of their actions, right? We weigh out one. Here's the one possibility I'm going to say it and it'll just go off into the ethereum and nobody will think about it or talk about it, right?

[A]

But also first off saying, you know, oh, my friend wanted me to help move, so I said, yeah, I'll help move. And then we moved a sofa. It thing weighed a fucking ton. Now if you go, that is comedy. Here's what's not comedy. It weighed almost 117 pounds. But of course you split that in half because he had one end, I had the other end. It was about, it was about 58 and a half pounds each. Like that's not funny. You know, like I say all the time, like when someone goes, look, what do you think of your mother in law? And you go, she's a dear woman. That's it. That's the end of the end of the joke. You have to go, oh, that old battle axe, right? Oh, I don't know what's worse, her fucking cooking or her snoring, you know, whatever it is. But then it gets back to her.

[E]

Now my definitely not funny.

[A]

My son has a great teacher and I think that's part of the reason why her feelings were so hurt that she's really that good and that into everything and all that kind of stuff. And then the problem is, is my wife goes, you've destroyed this boy's life with the best school teacher at the new school. And now you better go in there and you better apologize. And it's like. But the parent that brought it to their attention, right? And yes, I had the same thing.

[F]

It's the tattletale from sixth grade fucking this.

[A]

The thing, the person that does the. I just thought you needed to hear the news that's going to bring you to tears, right? News you wouldn't have heard and wouldn't have known about. I thought you needed to know this. As if What? As if we possess a threat. As if what we're saying with the basketball coach, it's very cruel.

[F]

I thought you should know before you knew, right? I thought you should find out before you might find out.

[A]

No, you're not going to find out.

[C]

It's going to have no impact on your life at all.

[A]

Yeah, unless another dickless ass tells you or some crazy coups, you will not know. That's number one. And then you know what? I realize what it is. And there's more and more of this because I've been trying to kind of break it. I've been trying to kind of break it down. Like, why? Why? I mean, for us. I want nothing to do with that conversation. If I'm the person, I'm never the person who goes, I just think you should know that so and so was saying some things that could be threatening. And if I were you, I'd want to know. Like, first off, fuck you. No, you wouldn't want to know. But I'm just bringing it to your attention. Do with it what you will. Well, turn into a heap of tears is what happens. And write the super long letter to me. And then my wife starts yelling at me, that person. You go, what is their motivation? Why? What is that motivation? And you know what the motivation is? I have dominion over you and the other person. I am controlling this situation. I am taking your feelings and I'm moving them around with my invisible fucking wand, I'm taking you and making you feel a way you don't want to feel without you even having a choice in the matter. And involving third and fourth and fifth parties as well and making them feel a certain way. And then I'm going to leave. And somehow that power, just like the super, super shitty guy who's working security at the movie theater. And you go, I'm gonna run out, get my wife's sweater. It's in the car. She's cold in the theater. Once you leave, you can't come back. In the theater. And you go, it's the beige Camry. It's right there. You can watch me. I'm gonna run and I'll grab the sweater and I'll run. Once you leave, you can't come back in. You go, what's in it for him? And you realize power. He has dominion over you. In a world that doesn't listen to that guy, in a world that doesn't give a fuck what his opinion is for this 10 seconds, for this little fleeting moment in time, he can control you. It's a way to get you on your heels and to make you feel a certain way. That is to me, as big a flaw as being a serial rapist. It's right up there, really. I want those people to kill themselves. They literally feel good and feel empowered by making other people feel bad.

[F]

The worst is when you're going to rape somebody and then someone says to the victim who's alone in their house, this serial rapist is coming. It's like, she didn't need to know that.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

Why did you have to insert yourself into this?

[A]

The worst.

[F]

You know the worst.

[C]

It's like you were about to insert yourself.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

Now I can't insert myself.

[A]

All the fucking people that do all the fucking talking under the guise of. I just thought you should know. Fucking kill yourself, please.

[F]

Well, and it's with it with social media now, you don't stand a chance because that, that is 90% of the people that are on there, they're looking for information that they can be. I'm Prometheus. I'm gonna tell the world that this thing happened. If I. If I see a celebrity and they're drunk or they're. Whatever. Let me videotape it. Let me put it out there. I mean, who the fuck would want to be famous anymore? I mean, thank God you and I have kept a low profile.

[A]

That's right. That's right. Good job, you guys. Done and done. No, I caught on 10 years ago. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy baseball fans, wake up. It's back. DraftKings.com awarded over half a million dollars in cash prizes. And by the way, that was just opening day. There's more to come. Our listeners have won hundreds, nay thousands, even [e-mail] just watching sports, playing a little fantasy. How about a guy named Sam Won a hundred grand. That's right. First time, first time ever playing anyway. One day fantasy sports. No season long commitments, no being stuck with players. Just instant cash every day. Dawson, right now you can play for free. To win real cash, enter adamaraftkings.com and get free entry into next week's contest with 400 grand in guaranteed cash prizes. 400 grand. Hurry. Free spots are going quick. Enter adam [e-mail] the people. I thought you should know Fitzsimmons was saying insensitive things about people of color and that you. I just thought it, you know, be important that, you know. Fucking comedians. We're not allowed to talk.

[F]

Well, that's the hardest part. You know, there's a tone. If you're listening to a podcaster, someone in the comic club. There is a thing, we're all in on this thing. There's like a, there's a history to it. There's a, there's an irony to it. And when you take it out and you lay it out for somebody in a little dough, you can't fucking win. It's like if I were to watch everything that I said in the way it might be taken out. It's like you said, my mother in law is a nice woman. I love my kid. Oh, Asian people are great drivers.

[A]

Right? Done. Done. Right. No, that's that, that's, that's what it, that's what it is. Somebody throws out. You're just sitting there and someone throws out Chaz Bono and you go hero. Next topic. Not a lot of people laughing in the club when you do that. But that's 10 minutes on Chaz Bono and now you're in a world of hurt, right?

[F]

Well, a lot of the comics that are getting very famous now are like that. They, they're, they're ball less and everything they say is friendly and it is positive and it is just, just, you know, I'm one of you guys and the guys that are saying shit, we're getting, we're getting hung out to dry left and right.

[A]

Well, when, you know, I grew up in a totally and it's the, you know, many, you know, everyone still says, you know, stitching time saves nine and all that kind of stuff to burn the hand or two in the bush. But sticks and stones doesn't get brought up anymore. Sticks and stones is how I grew up. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you. That's a schoolyard. Everyone knew. It doesn't matter what that person calls you. It's sticks and stones. Not anymore. And I'm wondering because there are no more sticks and stones because things aren't settled that way anymore because we've removed. There's an airbag in every car and every kid's got two helmets on and four pair of knee pad and there is no more sticks and stones. We've removed the sticks and stones. Now there's the words have replaced the sticks and stones.

[F]

Right. We were coming across the border. As I told you, I went to a Mexican orphanage recently to help out the kids. No big deal.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

So coming back, what do you eat?

[A]

Mike August. Am I exaggerating? Tell Allison. Am I exaggerating that when you and Gina grad both did 20 minute dissertation on going to the Tijuana orphanage. Mike August had one query and one query only.

[F]

What'd you eat? How was the food?

[A]

Everyone else was a gill nut, filled with questions. How long was it a bus ride? What do you do when you get involved? Can you adopt? Do you donate? All he said was, what'd they feed you? And then he went right back to what he was doing. That was all. At an orphanage. At an orphanage. This one question was food related.

[D]

Some guys have to ask them tough questions.

[A]

And you would think if you just said to somebody, well, somebody's gonna ask a food question, well then the question would be, what do they feed the orphans? Not Mike. You wanna know what you ate?

[F]

Yeah. What are the gift bags?

[A]

You get a gift bag, they have gifting sweets. But yeah, he wanted to know what they fed you. The answer was pizza. And then we moved on back to his BlackBerry. Right back to the BlackBerry, looked up, want to know what they fed you?

[F]

So we get to the border and we step up and it's a Mexican border. I don't give a fuck what border you're at. You gotta learn pretty quickly. There's border guard behavior, especially Mexican border. And my son just starts wandering towards the. You're at one line, you gotta wait for the next line. And this guard goes, hey, come back over here. And my son just kinda looks at him and then he goes, here, now. Do you understand me? And my son just nodded and he goes, he goes, I can't hear you. What did you say? And he said, yes. And Owen looked at me like, are you gonna do your usual where you fucking get in this guy's face? And I just said to him, I go, border.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I go, when you're border cop, you shut up. You do what he says. You get through it or you're gonna get. Or we're all going to jail.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

You know, they actually have consequences here.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder if more people. I feel like this, you guys tell me, I feel like the LAPD especially are just shooting more people for less. But I'm also for less. We shoot more for less out here.

[F]

We get a lot of bangs for the buck.

[A]

That's right. It's dealing days on bullets.

[F]

2, 2, 2. Tuesday is bullet day.

[A]

No, but what I'm saying is when I grew up, if a cop pulled you over and said, get out of the car and start doing push ups while I think about if I want you to massage my balls while you blow me, you'd just be doing push ups. Now you pull somebody over, the cop says, you know what you did? You said, you know what you did? And then next thing you know, you're getting pepper sprayed. But what I mean is, I don't feel like people have a healthy fear of authority. And that thus is going to cause much more incidents involving zip ties, pepper spray, and shots being fired from cop revolvers. Right.

[F]

Well, look at TV teachers. I mean, teachers are dealing with kids that are fucking dangerous. If you're an inner city teacher, these kids don't give a shit. They don't look at you as an authority figure. They look down on you like they're the authority. And suddenly, you know, these teachers are getting paid, you know, 25 grand a year to go in and spend their own money on supplies and supposed to care and call home. They just. They're afraid of the kids.

[C]

My sister taught kindergarten in the South Bronx, and one day there were cops at the school because two mothers had threatened to bring guns to school.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, imagine what those kids are going home to. All right, let's do a little news if we can. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, Cut it.

[C]

So automakers will be required to install backup cameras in all vehicles by May of 2018. So all new cars, SUVs, minivans, some new small trucks and buses will have to have the backup cameras.

[A]

Yeah, I need mine so I can run over my fucking dog.

[F]

I get one in my car, and I swear to God, I cannot think of an instance I've ever trusted that. What am I, Asian? I can't. You know, you ever see Asian people drive? They will not turn their heads. They only look at mirrors and assume everything's fine.

[A]

Right?

[F]

So now all of a sudden, I'm supposed to rely on that? I'm supposed to look at a screen while I'm moving a ton vehicle backwards.

[C]

I don't trust mine either.

[F]

What's the point?

[A]

Well, it's another thing. And by the way, you say one ton, two and a half tons, or at least two plus it's a generational thing, because I don't trust it either. My car has it. I don't look at it. It makes a weird noise. It makes these bars, like, I don't know when I've entered that zone. I wish they'd tell you how far away you were. It's just. And then you see like bars and graphics and stuff. But I would like to see. Ooh, you know, the graphic I would do trying to think of the guy. Ah, let's use Carl Weathers. I feel like that's a guy's got some good guns on him and a nice condor like span to him, Right. All I need to see is Carl Weathers with his hands spread out about as wide as he can get him. And that'd be about six and a half, seven feet. And this have him go, okay, man, not. Not. Here we go. Not. All right, you got it. And if you slowed down a little too much, you'd go, hey, man, don't be a puss. Come on, I'm holding my hand. Hold my hands four feet apart, let's go. Now, you'd be wearing a real tight shirt, sleeveless, see the guns coming out. And we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. You just see a graphic of the dude with the two hands coming together. Carl could voice over the whole thing. I like it. You could. And once in a while, call you a puss and then go, whoa, whoa, Champ, slow it. There you go.

[D]

Call you champ.

[A]

Yeah. And then. And then he'd toss in something, you know, safe travels. See you on the other side.

[C]

You should be able to download different celebrity voices.

[A]

Yes. And either way, it's the same dude with the hands. Because I'm like.

[F]

Once in a while, you hear metal crush and then just his face laughing.

[A]

That is perfect.

[F]

Motherfucker.

[A]

I see. Because I look out the thing and there's two things. Audibly, I hear. I don't know what that means. And then, then visually I see a bar that's sort of beige, that's sort of flat. And then it starts blinking and then it turns a different color. But it doesn't suggest to me that I'm. I don't know if I'm 9 inches away or 9ft away from what I'm coming to. And maybe it's Carl Weather's cock. Then. Yes.

[F]

And he gets an erection that goes away as you're backing up.

[A]

I just feel like when my kids are in the car, right. I'd want to switch it over to Carl Weathers with the hands, you know what I mean? Come on, we're good. You're good, you're good. Okay. Come on, champ, let's go. Here we go, here we go. All right. And then like again, there'd be like a thump, thump where he went, you know, safe travels. Drive with champs. The other Side.

[F]

See at the beach, I did. I did an episode of csi and the. I was the cold open and it was me driving a car with a camera behind it. And as I back up, I. You see a dead baby under my wheels. I was about to run over a dead baby.

[A]

Oh. Oh, that was a cold open, right? You mean you're about to run over a dead baby.

[F]

It's already dead. So I could have run it over, right? I mean, if it was a comedy, right? Oh, we would have had a field day, right, with the TV and the, you know, why isn't it crying? You know, a lot of jokes, right? Well, maybe it was dead when it was born. Or, you know, maybe off board.

[A]

Good.

[F]

Adam's not touching. Thinking about school. You know what? You've been off your game since you brought up the teacher and the letter. I feel like you've been holding back.

[A]

I'm up in my head. I'm up in my head. I miss her. The backup camera's fine. I don't feel like the next generation of young people will grow up looking into a screen. And they will fly airplanes that don't have windshields in them. They just have screens with data. They'll be so used to looking at simulators and screens and pads and tablets and playing that that will become their window for me. I need to see out of a window.

[C]

Yeah, because also we grew up and it still says this. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Like we've been trained not to trust that stuff. Really.

[A]

Right. But I'm still down with Carl weather.

[D]

I'm fine with that.

[A]

Alright. You know what else I'm fine with? Untuckit.com man. Ever see the guys wearing the button down shirts untucked? Yeah. Looks all sloppy. Looks too long hanging too far out of their pants. Untuckit.com has solved this problem. Shirts designed to be worn untucked. The perfect length. Yeah, because when you tuck them in and you suck the belt up. You ever see a picture of yourself, Greg, where your pants are a little too high and your belt's a little too tight?

[F]

My biggest problem in life is the shape of my body. Pants that I wear, they hang down. I look like a chick. You know, you fucked her and it's the morning after and she's got your shirt on. I look like I fucked myself.

[A]

Not with Untucket shirts, by the way. Endorsed by GQ. Made in America. Please stay on copy visit untuckit.com use the promo code Adam 15% off all purchases plus free shipping. These guys make a hell of a product. The right shirt makes all the difference. Untuckit.com. get the 15% off. Let them know I sent you. All right, baby girl, what else we got?

[C]

Shirley Jones of Partridge Family is going to go skydiving for her 80th birthday. She says it's something she's wanted to do her whole life. And the inspiration comes from former President George H.W. bush's jumps on several birthdays, including when he turned 85. She said, When I saw him do it, I thought, wow, if he can do that, this I can. But she'll be jumping in tandem with an instructor.

[A]

Seriously, you're nothing more than an old fanny pack to the virile guy who's gonna be doing all the thinking up there. That does not have to do to anything. You know what I mean? Like, you're not doing anything.

[F]

Take an elevator from a high building.

[A]

That's right. That's right. One of those glass ones where you can see out in the atrium. I mean, I appreciate it. She's a dear woman. I think. The Partridge Family, wildly underrated. I don't see why we've seen so many episodes of the Brady Bunch over the years. And almost none of the Partridge Family, Dave Madden, Reuben Kincaid will be missed. I think he passed a few weeks on.

[F]

He represented me, so that was a tough blow for me.

[A]

Yeah. He was your manager, right? Yeah. The jumping off of something strapped to someone who knows what they're doing in any endeavor just feels like, you know, saying, you know, hey, I want. I was carried up to the top of Mount Rainier.

[D]

My God, that must have been not that hard.

[A]

Yes, I was carried by professionals.

[D]

Okay, well, you got that off your list.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Were you tired?

[A]

Yeah, I had a guy push me along the whole John Muir Trail.

[F]

Geez.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

That's an adventure for you, huh?

[A]

Sometimes. We did the fireman carry. He carried me. That's right.

[D]

It's like you mix it up.

[A]

You strap yourself to pro. To me, skydiving, you gotta go solo.

[F]

You got to go solo. But I appreciate it at 80 doing that. If you think about how life works. We do all the crazy shit when we're young. We haven't provided for our families yet. We haven't proved anything that's we're driving drunk fast. No, 80 is when you get the fast car.

[A]

Also, it's kind of a nice last conversation where the chute doesn't open, the backup chute fails. You're just going terminal velocity down toward asphalt, and you're saying, well, I'm 80, I've lived a long life. And the guy you're strapped to is like, I'm 19, this sucks. And you're like, well, look, here's the best I can promise you. We can position ourselves so my ass hits terra firma first. Maybe you'll have a 2% chance of not, you know, walking away from this thing or not ending up at him. I think that would be the right thing to do. But that would be a strange conversation.

[F]

Yeah, she goes underneath you on the landing.

[A]

For sure. Definitely.

[F]

She's gonna blow.

[A]

Yeah, she's.

[F]

She's already singing the closing song to the Partridge. Na na na na na na na na. You're like, no, that's.

[A]

That's the Brady Bunch.

[F]

Oh, that was the Brady Bunch.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

What was the Partridge Family song?

[A]

Gather round, there's a song that we're singing. Come on. I mean, why should I know? I'm not gay. That is the greatest story I have ever heard. A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringing Will make you happy.

[F]

Partridge Family or Monkees?

[A]

In terms of the song, just overall, I like the Monkees, but I miss the Partridge Family. I don't see them. They don't pop up. And, you know, Lori and Keith and, you know, and the fact that they basically took a Jewish seven year old drummer kid and swapped him out with an Aryan Youth member. Nobody said a word. I would have loved to be in on that meeting because they had a guy who looked like a Hasidic Jew doing their drumming at age 7 and they swapped him out with like one of the Beach Boys and nobody said anything. And I feel like, shouldn't you get a kid that sort of looks like that kid?

[F]

You should have swapped out that same kid for Danna Bonaduce when you were doing your radio show one day. You don't mention it. It's just a different guy.

[A]

It's a weird version of it.

[D]

Yeah, this is good.

[F]

That's not them.

[A]

They got a bus. They. They lay it out here. It really came together when mom sang along.

[D]

Here's a song by a gay guy.

[A]

It's a weird version. Yeah. Let me see the first. See, Jeremy, It's a crazy, it's a crazy thing. Cuz this kid.

[F]

Look how worried he is about the tour.

[A]

He's worried. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Thank you. You can go ahead to the first or the second or whatever. Jeremy, the first drummer was like very ethnic looking and then the second guy just looked like Robert Redford. It Was a weird call. Now, I guess in a weird way, you couldn't get a kid that kind of looked like the old kid. Because now that's confusing. But they never said anything. All right, we'll see the first. We'll see the first kid. There's David Cassidy. Susan Day, who had it real bad for David Cassidy. Oh, boy. Oh, there's the douche man. There's Jeremy Gold. What? Now you have to find the kid that replaced him. You need to show those two kids to just show how insane Hollywood is. And by the way, if I were producer, I would have a poster that had both those kids behind me at all times. And I would go, partridge Family, season one. See that kid? See a little Jewish kid? Then we replaced him with the Aryan Youth. You know who gave a shit? Nobody. So you want a fucking raise? We'll toss your ass right off of this fucking sitcom and no one will give a flying fox.

[F]

The client sends a counter on the offer. They want more. You don't send a counter to the counter. You send a picture of those two kids.

[A]

Split right down the middle. Season one, Partridge Family, season two, Darren from Bewitch. That's right.

[F]

Age two.

[A]

There you go, Mr. Jefferson. That's right.

[F]

Then they changed him out.

[A]

No, I think they just spun him off.

[D]

They changed Becky from Roseanne.

[C]

Mm. Then didn't they change her back?

[D]

She made a cameo, I think, a little later. Maybe the last season or something.

[A]

Something.

[F]

What happened to the Partridge Family, dad? They never got into that.

[A]

He died.

[F]

In the story, they say he died.

[A]

Yeah, I think it was AIDS. Or he OD'd. I can't remember.

[D]

He OD'd on AIDS.

[A]

Something.

[F]

You gotta go easy on it.

[A]

It's always. It was back in the day, it was right on the cusp. But there was no such thing as being divorced.

[F]

No.

[A]

Like, the Stu. Couldn't get much further bark, could they? A priest and a rabbi. It's like the Brady Bunch. A widow and a widower.

[F]

Is that right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

That's the story.

[A]

Yeah. Everyone died. Can I say this? When your mom dies, when you're seven, you're having night terrors almost every night. You're not like, hey, this is your new mom. Awesome. You're going insane. You're waking up in the middle of the night screaming and having to be tied down to your bed. Nobody missed the parent. That was my whole thing about family affair. Buffy and Jody. Buffy and Jody and Mrs. Beasley. Buffy and Jody were five years old and their parents just died. I didn't know there was a car wreck or whatever it is. They would be. First off, they would have to be in deep therapy for, like, the next. They'd be having post Traumatic stress disorder. They'd be waking up with night terrors. They'd be screaming and acting out and punching Mr. Bill and Mr. French the whole time. They wouldn't be like, okay, hi, Mr. Bill.

[F]

Hi.

[A]

My parents died in a horrible, fiery car wreck. Anyway, this is Mrs. Beasley. You're Mr. French. We're live in a penthouse in Manhattan. No problemo. Kids wouldn't. Every morning, they would just sit in a fetal position and not want to get out of bed. Right.

[F]

Well, that's why I like Courtship of Eddie's Father. They were in perpetual mourning. It was always like, a heavy episode where he was walking with Eddie near a pond and they were talking about death.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

Yeah. They remembered, Mom. There was a sense of scarring. You got the sense that eventually there was going to be a show about Eddie living in a trip. He became James Rockford.

[A]

You knew, someday he. They had Mrs. Livingston, the Japanese housekeeper who called Bill Bixby Mr. Eddy's father. It was simpler times.

[D]

Peculiar.

[A]

Simpler times. Much simpler times, set in their ways.

[F]

And she would take them out for a drive and just hit walls, wall at the wall.

[A]

She'd go right into a farmer's market and just plow over elderly people in reverse, looking.

[F]

Only.

[A]

Looking for that camera. Never found it.

[F]

Asian people are great drivers, Right?

[A]

All right, let's bring it home.

[C]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[A]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. I gotta see A picture of Mrs. Livingston from the Courtship of Eddie's Father. Yeah, that was. That was that. That's probably about the time guys took a turn. Cause guys before that rabble rousing. Well, before the Courtship of Eddie's Father, there were shows like Father Knows Best and then Bonanza and stuff like hardscrabble dudes letting their fists do their talking. Then all of a sudden, here comes Bill Bixby with the sensible frames, and he's talking very. He's treating his son as an equal, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was a very touchy feeling. And it was not like, you know, suck it up, son. Hand me this pack of cigarettes and the bourbon. It was like a lot of talk talking to his young son. Very touching.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's Mrs. Livingston.

[F]

He never had a drink in his hand.

[A]

Now, now, now, we need the. I'll tell you. You can talk all you want about Bewitched and any of those shows and just how outlandish they are and how insane they are. The most insane part of every single one of those sitcoms from back in the day is when the guy would come home from work, he'd pour himself a highball and he'd walk into the front door and he'd walk across the living room and he'd go to the ice bucket and he'd open the ice bucket that was in the sort of mobile bar serving cart thing that had the tumblers in it and this Cutty Sark and it would be filled to the top with fresh ice, right? When the fuck does that ever happen? Does that happen at your house?

[F]

So you're not even allowed to get the drink in the first place. It would be. Literally, you would. They'd call 911 if you were drinking alcohol in your own house at this point.

[A]

Who's filling that bucket? Can you imagine your wife Very, very worried. Oh, Fitz, dog's gonna be home in 20 minutes. There's ice in the bucket. Let's go. Let's get that ice in the bucket. You'll be very upset.

[F]

Right? I'm not wearing negligee. What's happened to me is a woman.

[A]

Oh, the roast. He's home in 10 minutes. The roast is 15 minutes away from being done. Oh, no.

[F]

The kids aren't dressed. The homework's. Everything was supposed to be done. Do you ever see Sound of Music?

[A]

Oh, my.

[F]

Holy shit. That guy would come home from the bank and he would literally put on a smoking coat, sit in a jacket and smoke and drink the night away. And the kids would be presented for about one minute in front of. Lined up and presented. And he'd say goodnight and they'd take them away. Yes, beautiful.

[A]

Now you smash that. You just juxtapose that to me coming home at 8:30 after being out on the road since 7 that morning going, is there any food in the house? Oh, you want a dinner? Sure. We could find something. That's what it's gotten down to.

[F]

Where's my ice? Where's my ice?

[A]

Ice bucket. The ice bucket would be filled. Who was feeling that? Did anyone ever really, like on set have that discussion? Like, is she married to an alcoholic? What if he comes home late? Will the ice be melted? Does she refresh the ice?

[C]

Can I stay in ice form in.

[A]

One of those buckets longer than you would think? It works. It's a little more effective, but still somebody volitionally is going to have to fill that ice bucket between 4:30 and 6:00 clock every weekday and you're gonna have to just walk right over. And by the way, he didn't open that ice bucket with his fingers crossed. He knew it was brimming with fresh ice. Right? That's right.

[F]

Would never puddle water not half full. Because he's only gonna have one drink to the top. Who knows, he may go on a bender. He's got to be prepared.

[A]

That's right. Mr. Tate come by a lot of make mine a double comedy. All right, let's bring it home. Did we bring it home?

[C]

We brought it home.

[A]

Oh, we brought it home. It's home. Well, we're not done coming home until we tell you about. Well, go to fitzdog.com you can find out about his live shows. You can find out about his one hour special. You can find out about everything you need to find out about Greg Fitzsimmons by Fitzsimmons Simply go to fitzdog.com and there's Willachill all.

[F]

It's all there.

[A]

All there. Thank you, my friend. So until next time, Adam Kroll from Greg Fitzsimmons. Allison Rosen Ball Bryant. Say it. Mahalo. Suck it up, son. Now hand me those pack of cigarettes and the bourbon. All right, that was Adam.

[B]

Corolla Show Episode 1293, the Great, Great Simmons. That does it for today's Corolla classics, make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, follow and get it.

[A]

Sam.