Greg Fitzsimmons’ Epic Comedy Brawl + YouTubers & Ghost Hunters Kris Collins and Celina Myers

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Episode Summary Release Date: July 10, 2025

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1. Stand-Up Comedy with Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons joins Adam Carolla to delve into the chaotic and unpredictable world of stand-up comedy. Greg recounts a particularly memorable incident early in his career where a heckler named Simka (a nod to Woody Allen's character) disrupted his set:

Greg Fitzsimmons [10:15]: "And I crack him in the forehead with it. And he's bleeding."

The confrontation escalates quickly, showcasing the raw and unfiltered dynamics of live comedy performances. Despite the chaos, Greg impressively secures a standing ovation after the altercation, highlighting his resilience and ability to win over the crowd even in heated moments.

Adam Carolla shares his own experiences with inviting friends to his shows, emphasizing the potential pitfalls:

Adam Carolla [07:29]: "There are always a text message nine minutes before you're going on. Hey, the tickets aren't on the guest list."

Both comedians agree that while inviting friends and family can seem supportive, it often leads to disruptions and distractions that detract from the performance.

2. Gender Dynamics and Behavioral Observations

Adam introduces a provocative theory regarding gender differences in physicality and regulation:

Adam Carolla [15:55]: "My theory is that women are off the fucking chain... They don't grow up with the dude maintained gene because they never really. It was never deployed, right?"

He contrasts this with how men are socialized to regulate their physical interactions, often referencing the "dude maintain" moment as a stabilizing factor in male behavior. The discussion touches on various societal observations, including interactions with law enforcement and public conduct.

Greg Fitzsimmons adds to the conversation by highlighting real-life instances where social expectations clash with individual behaviors, especially in high-stress environments like comedy clubs.

3. Driving Frustrations and Aggressive Behavior

The conversation shifts to modern driving challenges, particularly focusing on overly restrictive speed limits and aggressive drivers:

Adam Carolla [28:16]: "Now, the fuzz is out and they're fucking writing tickets. Everyone's getting pulled over."

Greg shares his frustrations with constant speed enforcement, likening the slowed-down highways to a "rolling start" in car racing. They discuss the impact of electric vehicles' instant torque on driving safety and behavior, noting how silent acceleration can lead to unpredictable traffic situations.

4. Life Philosophies and Reflections

Adam reflects on mortality and the legacy one leaves behind:

Adam Carolla [112:22]: "If somebody said you have a magic wand, you can put a bullet in both their heads, no one will trace it back to you, I'd go, yeah, get rid of them."

He muses about how individuals live on in others' memories, whether through positive or negative impressions. This segment delves into the human desire for lasting impact and the moral implications of one's actions affecting how they're remembered.

Greg Fitzsimmons shares a personal story about self-defense, illustrating the shift from communal assistance (like jump-starting cars) to more confrontational and solitary responses in today's society.

5. Ghost Hunting with Chris Collins and Selena Myers

Guests Chris Collins and Selena Myers, both ghost hunters and filmmakers, discuss their upcoming movie "House of Eden" and their passion for the paranormal. They explore the nuances of ghost detection, sharing experiences that blend skepticism with genuine intrigue:

Selena Myers [89:28]: "I've seen things. We have video of... a cat ball getting kicked down the stairs was really cool."

They emphasize the importance of technology in their investigations, debating the scientific aspects behind ghost detection devices. The conversation balances spooky anecdotes with light-hearted humor, making the topic accessible to both believers and skeptics.

Adam Carolla engages with their stories, juxtaposing ghost hunting with everyday frustrations and societal changes, ultimately appreciating the blend of fear and fascination that drives their work.

6. Movie Promotion and Production Insights

Chris and Selena provide insights into their film-making process, highlighting the challenges and triumphs of producing a movie on a tight schedule:

Selena Myers [106:59]: "We made the stupid challenge to do it in seven days... It was a lot of improv, which was really fun."

They discuss the collaborative nature of their work, the importance of a dedicated team, and the rapid pace required to bring their vision to life. Adam parallels their experience with his own endeavors in comedy and content creation, underscoring the universal challenges of creative production.

7. Closing Remarks and Future Shows

Adam wraps up the episode by promoting upcoming live shows featuring Greg Fitzsimmons at the Irvine Improv and the Laugh Factory in Covina. He encourages listeners to visit GregFitzSimmons.com for tour dates and details.

Adam Carolla [118:17]: "We got Chris Collins and Selena Myers coming in. They have a film that'll be in theaters July 25, House of Eden."

The episode concludes on a high note, blending humor with heartfelt discussions, leaving listeners anticipating future episodes and the release of "House of Eden."

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Notable Quotes:

• Greg Fitzsimmons [10:15]: "And I crack him in the forehead with it. And he's bleeding."
• Adam Carolla [15:55]: "My theory is that women are off the fucking chain..."
• Adam Carolla [28:16]: "Now, the fuzz is out and they're fucking writing tickets."
• Adam Carolla [112:22]: "If somebody said you have a magic wand, you can put a bullet in both their heads, no one will trace it back to you, I'd go, yeah, get rid of them."

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This episode blends personal anecdotes, societal observations, and engaging guest interactions, offering listeners a blend of humor, insights, and thought-provoking discussions. Whether you're a fan of stand-up comedy, interested in paranormal activities, or simply enjoy candid conversations, this episode delivers a comprehensive and entertaining experience.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, Fitz Dog back in studio. He's bringing the funny. We'll do the news with Dawson and Fitz Dog. Chris Collins and Selena Myers are going to come in. They're ghost hunters, made a movie, interesting conversation. We'll do all that right after this.

[Mike Dawson]

The ace man's keeping busy. Why don't you join us for a live podcast in Irvine at the Irvine Improv on July 10th and then four shows in Covina, California at the Laugh Factory Covina on July 11th and July 12th. Tickets for these and more shows are available at AdamCarolla.com.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Mike Dawson]

From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons, plus social media creators Chris Collins and Selena Myers. And the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now remembering the dog days of summer as a kid whose parents were too cheap to get him a dog, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get on the church. You got on your mandate. You get it on Fitz Dog in studio. He's got live dates. He's got a stand up special. He's got all kinds of stuff. He's got this podcast. Where should we go? Should we just go to gregfitzsimmons.com for all the live dates and where to find the very funny stand up special?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we got Batavia, Illinois coming up, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Pottstown, Penn, La Hoya, all coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so go to GregFitzSimmons.com, find out where this very funny, seasoned professional standup is going to appear. All right. I am going to be on stage tonight at the Irvine Improv with Jay Moore as well doing a Live pod there and then off to, let's see, Kovina, the Laugh Factory. Two shows. Two shows Friday and two shows Saturday night. Yeah, man. Working dogs. I thought you used to take the summer off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm not working any of the bigger rooms this summer At Point Pleasant, New Jersey, is a place called Uncle Vinny's. And in Pottstown, Penn. Be at Soul Joel's.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done Soul Joel's. You have?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's fucking great. It's so much fun. But these are not major cities we're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

No, these are not. And Soul Joel's is. I think it proves you can do standup anywhere.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like that is the most rewarding shows is when you go. And these are regular people. They're not hipsters. They're not looking for anybody famous. They just want to laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they get real. They just squeaky. Because they roll it in. They roll it out. By the way, you don't want to be performing anywhere that when you're done, somebody does that thing where they push on the foot and the thing lifts up and it locks. And now you're on casters, and they just push your stage out. And then they fold it and put it in a closet. But that's what you do at Soul Joel's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the spotlight is like a couple of clip desk lamps they got at Staples.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I was playing there, there's a banquet room next to it. And they had a Journey cover band.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

N.

[Adam Carolla]

They were playing the entire night. And I never. I can't figure out if cover bands are just sort of Americana at our best or sort of sad tableaus of a fading, aging rocker. You know, like there's parts of COVID bands and tribute bands that are invigorating and then others that feel very sad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think as long as the ticket price is way less than what you would pay. Sometimes you go to see, like, Dread Zeppelin, you know, which is. Do you remember Dread Zeppelin?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the ticket price is, you know, $65. You go, no, no, no, no, no, no. Druh, druh, dra.

[Adam Carolla]

Not la. Not le. Yes. Yeah, I agree. But I do feel like in the annals of a fat chick giving a better blow job than a model. I feel that way with COVID bands. Sometimes I feel like if you go see the Police, they're so bored playing Roxanne that they do a reggae ver everything. They do a reggae version of all their songs because Sting's like, I'm so fucking tired of this song. I'm going to Do a different version of it for me. But the COVID band does the album.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Version of everything when they say, don't stop believing. They haven't stopped believing.

[Adam Carolla]

They have not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So they were all in one hall, and then I was in the hall next to it with the Rollings.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then the green room is about a mile and a half away from the showroom. And then I went with my friend Dan, Bridget.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you need a Sherpa to get you there. Cause you'll turn down a hall and it'll end up like the Shining. You'll be in the kitchen of the Shining. You'll literally go down an endless hall and end up seeing Scatman Crothers in an office. That happened to me. Hand of God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then you get. Yeah, you turn in and there's a Shriners convention or a Tupperware thing in Salon B. No, but it's. My friend Dan Brickner and his wife Caroline came out to see me there because they live in Philly. So they drove me out. And it's one of those things you go, like, all right, this isn't going to be glamorous. And so I go on, and I'm not blowing my own horn, but I got standing ovation.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Except as I'm walking out, Dan and Caroline are sitting down. I go, if anybody would give me a fucking stand. How about you guys lead the standing ovation?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Mm. You know, only one sitting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like my friends coming to my shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. No upside.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no upside. There's always a text message nine minutes before you're going on. Hey, the tickets aren't on the guest list. Or you hear them talking to the waitress louder than anybody else in the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

I invited a friend. I did a show. God, this was heartbreaking. Okay, so I'm with you. I'm with you. That I have a very strong sort of no upside policy versus potential. Lots of downside, and thus don't even do it right. And I'll do it, like, informationally. Like, if I'm on the phone with somebody, I'll go, yeah, well, I'm running late. I can't make it. I'll do it, but I don't go. I'm doing this because that opens a door to, why didn't you call me? I could have died. I know a guy, you know, just less information, always better. I feel the same way. I think it's my horrible family. But no real upside to inviting the Friends and the family show with potential downside. You know, I mean, yeah, the extreme is your buddy gets from high school, gets shit face and gets into it with a waiter. You know, that's extreme. But the others just like the unimpressed conversation you guys have after the show where they go, you know, you're talking and you go, the opener was funny. And then they don't say anything else and you're like, what the fuck is. What is that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The one time it was good was when I first started doing stand up. I'd been doing it for like two years and I was in college still. And so a bunch of my buddies came out and I was at Stitches Comedy Club in Kenmore Square in Boston. And there was a Jewish singles night going on. And so the place was filled with, like, rich girls that wanted to date Harvard medical students. Basically all Jewish kids. And then this guy shows up and he was a cab driver from Israel. And so he heard about a Jewish singles night and he's like, oh, this is where I will meet. They will all love me because I am real Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Zohan showed up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Zohan showed up and he sat in the front row and I guess he tried to talk to people and nobody wanted anything to do with him. So he starts heckling me to try to make a name for himself. And I'd only been doing it a couple years, but one thing I had out of the gate was I knew how to humiliate people from the stage. Yeah, so. So I shit on him. And then he looks at me, he goes, nothing more.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And his name was Simka. I remember that because it was the name of the village idiot in the Woody Allen's movie Love and Death.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome, idiots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I say, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Who else goes that deep on Love and Death, dog? Come on now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Best Woody Allen movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Best, Best joke for joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I go. I go, okay, tell me when your friends get here. And he comes up on stage and fist clenched and comes right at me. And I had a microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Does he have Old Nahamka and Young Nahamka with him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The weird thing is Old Nahamka was younger than Young Nahamka.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys gotta watch that movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so he comes at me and I got one of these microphones from the 80s. It's like a big mesh, like metal. It's like a Game of Thrones weapon. And I crack him in the forehead with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's bleeding.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he comes at me with some Krav Maga shit. And he gets me into A headlock.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's fucking spinning me, or my legs are flailing. We're knocking over tables. People are on their feet, they're cheering. And then the bouncers, of course, are out back smoking a joint. They're supposed to be in the room. And so luckily, my buddies, actually Dan Brickner, the guy from Philly, I was just talking about him, and George Close and Billy Clark were at the bar, and they ran to the stage, and they helped pull this fucking lunatic off of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they dragged him out. And I was. This was like, you know, 10 minutes into my set. I think I was doing 15. And I get off, and the club owner, Harry Conforti, looks at me. The show stopped. They're putting the tables back together. They're getting people drinks. And Harry goes, all right, Fitzsimmons, you got five minutes left. Sends me back out.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I look out at the crowd and I go, I just got my ass kicked. I go, all right, who's next? And I get a standing ovation.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing. In the annals of not inviting your friends or family, for me, I was doing a show off the hook in Naples, Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a friend who was a good friend and always kept in touch with him, who was class clown of North Hollywood High when I was a junior, and then I became a senior and became class clown. So he was like my class clown older brother, right. And he was always real funny. And even though he went into a different profession and I went into comedy, I still always had that. I want the tip of the cap from that guy, because he was always my older brother, class clown. And I was playing Naples, and he was out there for the summer, what have you. And I invited him to a show, and show was sold out. It was a rock and roll audience, and it was fun and great crowd. I gave him his sort of own table and his own space over there, and I just stood on stage and watched him text for 67 minutes, and I couldn't stop. It was like a. It was like you have a loose tooth and it hurts every time. You just keep flicking it with your tongue. You just keep playing. Like, I'd have to turn and look back. He'd be texting, and I'd turn back and get back into this stuff, and I'd have to look over, and I just. Like, whole time. Yeah. I just thought, don't. This is on me. My fault for. My fault for inviting people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My podcast, Sunday papers, we had this fan, and we get a lot of audience stuff. Like, they. We've been doing the show for five years, and every single week we have a different banner ad, different artwork that a listener sends in. And every week we have a song, that original song by a listener. Every week, different one. So this woman had sent in a bunch of them. She fucking busted her ass. She did really good work. She used to write in. And then she started coming to my shows and it was like, you know, San Francisco and then Sacramento and then, like Portland and like. So it starts. You start to worry, is this, like. They call these women chuckle fuckers?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're like, is this a chuckle fucker?

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is not my thang, because I'm married. But I don't know if she was, but she was kind of obsessed. Anyway, she comes to a show and I put her on the guest list, and she's sitting up front with two friends. And she proceeds to talk to me throughout the show with her friends, drunk to the point where I had to keep telling them, please be quiet. To where it gets serious, where you're not, like, going, hey. You're like, hey, seriously, you gotta shut the fuck up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they took that as encouragement to go. And then I asked the bouncers to throw them out. And they came and stayed in a hotel to come to my show. Ten minutes in, I had them fucking thrown out of the show. And she never talked to us again.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had situations recently with women as well. And I'll tell you this. I'll tell you what, I think I got a thought. This reminded me. But I'll tell Andrew, I think I liked at least. Somebody tweeted me yesterday that Martha Stewart clip where she was cheating on her husband and was giving a lecture about women who got cheated on. It's the greatest clip ever. But I think I tweeted a joke about, you can find that, get it right. It just popped in my head. I wanna revisit it with Fitzhugh. Okay, here's a theory. You ready, guys? I'm putting a theory together that women are off the fucking chain. They're off the le. Fighting in every airport. They're fucking knocking stuff over. Like, they've gone. They've become weaponized and they're gone insane. And they're throwing down. And I'm loosely basing it on me being age 0 to 46 and never really seeing women physically fight. And in the last 26 months, they just seem to be throwing down at every Applebee's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it the Internet or you're seeing them?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've experienced a little bit in person. But, yes, it's Internet, and one could blame the Internet. I still don't think there are this many women fighting at that many airports.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not a phenomenon.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a phenomenon. And what I'm realizing, and my theory is this, a men. Women are much more physical than men. They just. Men learn to regulate. You wrestle, you wrestle, you wrestle. It's like all my friends did was go right up to the edge and then sort of back off and up to the edge and back off. There was a head where you could breathe, but not really. But that's where he stopped. We didn't do the next quarter inch where he completely cut off the circulation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like Simca did to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Like Simca did to you. Right. So we knew how to do it. Women didn't grow up with that kind of regulation. I've said it many times. Experiment, don't believe me about women versus men. Is cook in the kitchen with your wife, your woman, your girl, not be looking, turn and step on her foot. Her hand will go flying out, just flying out. Step on a guy's foot, he goes, oh. But his hand doesn't go flying out, right? Women's hands, it's wired, it's hardwired. Now, instead of getting their foot stepped on, they're just being told they missed their flight on Spirit airline in the fucking. They're picking up the computer, throwing it at the person because they don't grow up regulate. Dudes grow up on a steady diet of, dude, maintain. Dude, you're fucked up. Yeah, fuck fucking. Dude, maintain. I'm telling you right now, maintain. That's all we knew. And when we heard the words dude, maintain, it meant, all right, we're fucked up. We're fucking. We thought it'd be a good idea to punch that cop's horse. It wasn't a good idea, like, whatever. Dude maintained. I realized women don't have the dude maintained gene because they never really. It was never deployed, right? And so, like, I've been in comedy clubs always with women where I just went, look, stop. If you stop talking, you can stay in this club and enjoy the rest of the show. But if you keep talking, we're gonna throw you out of the show. And they're like, I don't feel like. And I said, all right, bitch, you're out. You're out. Yeah, dudes, that's the dude maintain moment that sobers guys up and their buddies, like, give them the dude maintained. Women don't have the dude maintained. They don't grow up with the dude maintained gene and they can't fuck. And I've had it happen multiple, multiple times, only with women. Where I go, we're at the Mason Dixon line. If you cross over, you see it on vids. You see where, like, the cops, like standing outside of the black chick's window or suv and it goes, I'm going to ask you one more time to roll your window down and give me your ID or I'm going to break the glass and I'm going to arrest you. And they go, I don't feel like. And the guy goes, okay. And then they break the glass. Like, that's the dude maintained moment. The chicks don't have beaten into them at a young age.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guys are told to maintain and women are told, you've been oppressed and it's time to speak out.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't listen to anybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

No one's the boss of you. That guy up there. Yeah. He's part of the heteronormative orthodoxy that's been holding you down. So fuck that white heterosexual guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, the worst thing in a comedy club is a bachelorette party because they come in and they've been drinking and they absolutely. The sash, the tiara. They got little straws with dicks on the tips. And it is going to be about them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it is. And I say to the club, if you get a group of women that's bigger than four people, I want them as close to the exit as possible. So the extrication is like a SWAT team. I want you to cut them off.

[Adam Carolla]

Swiping into Van Nuys Home Depot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get them out of here. And. And they'll fight. The shoes will come off. That's the first move. The shoes come off.

[Adam Carolla]

I was watching Martha Stewart, like I said, do that bit where she's getting sanctimonious about husbands cheating. And I think it's worth watching. And the reason I think it's worth watching now, I made a tweet, which is a little bit of a deep cut joke, because in the thing you hear the voice off camera saying, hey, didn't you cheat on your first husband? Which is what David Beckham was doing to Posh or whatever when she was explaining they were middle class and he's like, tell them what kind of car your dad had when you're a kid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Drove you to school.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Rolls Royce. But I realized I was watching and everyone thinks it's Martha Stewart. But I realize this is a global phenomenon that we've Entered in, which is there used to not be such a great chasm between where you fit in the world, in the world as you saw it, and your behavior in the world and actually how the world saw you. Now there's a big chasm where people think they're doing good or they think they're righteous or they think they're a good person. They're just cheating welfare or like, whatever, that they're on their 55th frivolous lawsuit or whatever that thing is. And I really realized this is what's going on inside the heads of most women and quite a few guys. When she gives the sanctimonious speech about cheating, just listen to how this unfolds for her.

[Kamala Harris]

I don't know how many different girlfriends he had during this time, but I think there were quite a few young women. Listen to my advice. If you're married and you think you're happily married and your husband starts to cheat on you, he's a piece of shit. And look at him as a piece of shit and get out of it. Get out of that marriage. But I couldn't do that, couldn't walk away.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, pause it there for a second. All right, so this is how almost every woman I know looks at her life this way. Like, hey, all I did was give and give and give. I did everything, and I got treated like this. Yeah, that's what lives in the head of almost every woman I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're talking to a gentleman who was a writer on the Ellen DeGeneres show for two seasons, right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All she did was be kind. That was be kind. That's all she did was give to you guys. But yet this is how she was treated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's almost every woman I've ever met. But the reality doesn't comport with what's in your head, Ellen. So we'll go on. And this is where, David, back up. Did you have an affair early on in the relationship or when you were a stockbroker?

[Kamala Harris]

Yeah, but I don't think Andy ever knew about that.

[Adam Carolla]

He did say he knew about it.

[Chris Collins]

He did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You had confessed to him. He says he didn't stray from the marriage until you told him you had already strayed.

[Kamala Harris]

Oh, that's not true. I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

But what happened? You had an affair.

[Kamala Harris]

I had a very brief affair with a very attractive.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, pause it there. So 18 seconds ago, she was explaining that any woman who stayed with a guy, that guy was a piece of shit because he strayed. And then someone said didn't you stray? And then she's like, well, yeah, but my husband never knew. Which is like saying, yeah, I ripped some shit off from the store, but the owner never found out. Like, all right, you're still a thief though, are you not? Number one. And then she keeps trying to soften the landing. She's like, well, he never knew. And then she's like, well, he did know. Oh, well, you know, he cheated first. No, he said, that's the reason he cheated, is you're cheating. Then it goes to, it was a brief affair. Like, it really wasn't a thing. I was just fucking some Irish guy who's good looking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, now.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey now. Roll it back, roll it back just a little before that guy comes in, which is great. And I'll let you hear the whole thing. Why didn't you have an affair early on in the relationship or when you were a sex broker?

[Kamala Harris]

Yeah, but I don't think Andy ever knew about that.

[Adam Carolla]

He did say he knew about it.

[Kamala Harris]

He did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You would confess to him. He says he didn't stray from the marriage until you told him you had already strayed.

[Kamala Harris]

Oh, that's not true. I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think you had an affair.

[Kamala Harris]

I had a very brief affair with a very attractive Irish man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And like, that's a qualifier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kamala Harris]

Nothing. Nothing there in terms of it would never have broken up. I would never have broken up a marriage for. Was nothing. It was nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

It was nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This interview, by the way, Let her hang. I like all the silence he gave her.

[Adam Carolla]

I realized that this resides in. This is every woman I've ever spoken is how they think. First off, I was victimized. No, you weren't. You victimized. And then some sort of weird gradual qualification. It was nothing. It was nothing. It was like it was you, a stranger's cock in your pussy. Nothing. But it was nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, it was Irish, but still, he was in there good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I was with a black guy. No, he was an Irish guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He didn't stretch anything out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and it was brief and he was good looking. So what was I supposed to do?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, the husband's like, why is there orange pubic hair on your 10,000 thread sheets?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it looks like somebody hit you with a shillelagh. Is that Irish? Yeah. Okay. I get the Scottish and the Irish mixed up every once in a while. All right? I just thought to myself, she is basically what we're dealing with in the mind of America today. That's what doing we're what? We're what we're dealing with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had a quick thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, quick thought, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I drove here. I was running a little late and so I started driving a little bit fast. And then. I've always wondered about this. Sometimes when you're on the highway, you'll see like a Maserati fly by and then you'll see a Porsche fall like, like they're zigzagging. Then you'll see like an Alfa Romeo and they're all zigzagging through traffic. And you think, do they know each other or was this a spontaneous. He's doing it now. I'll do it. And I realized today that's what it is because I got a Mustang now, as you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you've entered the legion of muscle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it rumbles on my balls. And anyway, so I was running late and this guy came by in a Corvette and he was weaving. I started weaving right behind him.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of a move like sneaking into a concert. Like one guy see the guy going in through the exit door or something and you just go, fuck it. You just bump, draft him through that thing. There's some of that. There's also. Now here's how you know the guys know each other. Sometimes you'll see a car that's very specific and you go, eh, I've not seen too many of those on the road. And then you see the same model behind him and then a third. Those are guys going on run also. If they're Armenian. If they're Armenian, it means they're going on a run. If the lead guy's Armenian and the fourth guy's Armenian, they had a conversation the night before. Yeah. And this isn't spontaneous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If it's a Honda Civic with 18 inch wheels and slammed to the ground, then. That's the Mexican guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the Mexican guy. BMW is the Armos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, speaking of that, I've realized this coming out of Malibu now, PCH, Pacific Coast highway is 25 miles, top speed all the way down. Because of the construction, the fires, the lane closed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it just one lane?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's two. That goes into one and then back into two and it's kind of a catch is catch can thing. But it is literally 25 miles an hour and PCH is normally like 45 and people drive it at 60, but it's 25. I don't know if I've ever driven a car at 25 miles an hour. In my life, I've passed 25 on my way to 80 and then back again to zero. But I've never lived in 25. But the cops are out in full effect and they're pulling everybody, everyone. My friend's assistant was coming over, she got pulled over. Everyone's getting pulled over. I see them getting pulled over every 20ft. And so everyone. The message is spread, by the way. You don't think the populace can be controlled? Spread the message. The fuzz is out and they're fucking writing tickets. Everyone's. Yeah, nobody's gone rogue. Driving an all electric Modern Audi at 25 miles an hour is almost impossible. Like, I'll feel like I'm coasting at 27 miles an hour. Like, it is difficult. You have no idea how slow you feel. Like my mom's old VW square back with vapor lock and fumes pouring in. And, you know, my mom would buy retread tires because new tires are too expensive for the Corollas and shit. It starts shimming at 40, you know, like you knew you were going 25. All electric Audi doesn't make a sound. I'm literally trying not to touch the gas pedal to go 20. And I realize today it's the equivalent because I know how to ride a unicycle. It's like trying to ride a unicycle at two miles an hour. It's almost impossible. It's like you feel like you're gonna fall over. It's much maintaining 25 miles an hour every 200ft. One of those signs, it says speeding your speed. You know, speed, slow down, slow down. There's cops parked everywhere. I'm passing people getting pulled over. It's like I'm going 25 miles an hour. The traffic is weird. It's a whole group. It is a queue of like 40 cars going 40, going 25 miles an hour and people just sort of looking at each other.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like the yellow flag, right? Lap in a car race.

[Adam Carolla]

It is exactly, green flag, green flag. But it's like, no, it's like you've got a full course caution. But no, it is exactly like the start of a rolling start, which I've done many times, which is everybody queues up and you just go real slow and everyone's looking for the green flag. But it never drops right. You just go. You just end up in Santa Monica. And it is weird driving a modern electric car that slow for that long a period of time. But everyone got the message with the cops. Brunt, brunt. Workwear. I'm holding my Brunt boot right now. Sharp, man. I love the Brunt stuff. Seen the ads all over the place. Not only are these boots incredibly comfortable, but but they deliver the protection and durability you need on the job site. Yeah, I like my Brunt boots. I wear them. I'm not swinging a hammer as much as I used to, but hell, these things look good as well. Lightweight, water resistant, slip and oil resistant, heat resistant, electrical hazard rated. That's right. People get shocked. They're shocked to hear about it. These Brunt boots were comfortable right out of the box. You don't have to break them in like the old SE boots I used to wear. Most other boots require significant break in time because the leather's tough. Brunt isn't just about work boots. They offer a full range of high performance gear built for tough jobs. It's really nice, really nice stuff. It's Brunt. Check it out. Right, Dawson.

[Mike Dawson]

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[Dawson]

This summer, Pluto TV is exploding with thousands of free movies. Summer of cinema is here. Feel the explosive action all summer long with movies like Gladiator, Mission Impossible, Beverly Hills Cop, Good Burger and Transformers. Dark of the Moon. Bring the action with you and stream for free from all your favorite devices. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

I' ma put you on, nephew. All right, unk. Welcome to McDonald's.

[Chris Collins]

Can I take your order, miss?

[Dawson]

I've been hitting up McDonald's for years.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's back. We need snack wraps.

[Dawson]

What's a snack wrap? It's the return of something great.

[Adam Carolla]

Snack wrap is back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is your car as fast as a muscle car?

[Adam Carolla]

It's faster in that it's electric. Cars are all torque from zero from jump street. So that's why everyone falls off the back of golf carts because golf carts are electric and somebody jumps in, probably had a couple of beers and they just jump in. Everyone goes, everyone in the guy hits it and everyone just goes flying off the back because it's instant torque. So like a Tesla is going to beat a Dodge Hemi 0 to 60, it's not going to necessarily beat the Corvette top speed, but the from standing start 260, it's going to beat a Corvette.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing. That's so amazing because you look at the work that goes into a muscle car, you know, all the extra stuff they're putting in and you know I can't list it the way you could but like you know, all of a sudden like a Toyota Prius is even pretty fast off the line I would say.

[Adam Carolla]

You know you get into like a Tesla plaid which is really fast and I think the cybertruck's pretty fast. But Andrew, if you looked up just kind of the, the bone, you know, the low model Tesla, Tesla, I don't know, they make a sort of SUV sedans, like you know, 38K sort of base model. They might have a different version of the base model. Like one might be a four motor and a two motor or whatever. But if you look up the zero to 60 on like a two on like the peppy base model, is it the S? Yeah, I don't know, maybe it's the s. But the 0 to 60 on that is going to be faster than your Mustang and it'll be faster than like a Dodge Charger and maybe some Corvette, but it's not gonna be faster than like the Super. But I mean it's, it's crazy that every fucking mom at the Trader Joe's in Santa Monica could beat you to the next light if she didn't have three kids in the car and didn't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so fucking dangerous too because they're quiet and they accelerate so fast that you don't see them. You go to change lanes and they come fast flying past you three.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh I know. People drive like go karts. 0 to 16, 3.1. That's the, that's the base model Tesla. Jesus. You can look up. I would blow your mind. Tom Selleck's Ferrari. Tom Selleck's Magnum PI Ferrari. That is more than double zero to 60 faster than Tom Selleck. Selleck's Ferrari. Think about me telling you, me telling the 19 year old Fitz dog that story. Mom. Every fucking soccer mom could blow that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thing away that was trying to grow that mustache. Just trying to thick it out a little bit. Trying to make friends with a black guy with a helicopter. It was my whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

Black guy with a helicopter. D.C. yeah, this is. Yeah. Zero to 60 Magnum PI. Approximately 6.7 seconds. More than twice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is that, a 79?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's in there. 308 or 328. I can't remember what it is. The point is, is any that they. The Testarossa, Sammy Hagar, the red rocker who couldn't drive 55 fucking bone stock Tesla soccer mom could drive would blow that car away. That's crazy, isn't it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it is. It is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me ask you another question. We got some news to do in a second, but I just want to ask you one more. Tell me what you would do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I was in a nice neighborhood. I was in La Canada and I had dinner with my son at a Chinese restaurant, a nice area. And it was about 10 at night and we were done. My son walks everywhere. He walked from the house to the thing. I was at another place. I walked too. I said, I'll meet you there. We're done. So how are we getting home? He said, well, I'm going to walk to the Y and meet some friends there. I said, well, I can walk with you about halfway, then I'll catch a Uber home. Okay. So we started walking. A nice neighborhood. It's about 10 at night on like a Thursday. Sort of weirdish couple comes walking toward us. One guy, seemed a little crazy. Chick passes us. Dudes off in the distance. See the guy stop. He's walking a dog. The dog like stops and does a weird low, four legged, low squat. Like a weird move. Didn't know exactly what it was, but it's on a leash. And it was sort of off in the distance. It was at night. And I was kind of like, that's kind of a weird dog move. And then the guy immediately just moves on and goes down the sidewalk, passes us. I get to the driveway. So full loaded dog, like wet dog shit. Just a full load. And it's in a driveway for the hospital. It's the hospital driveway. It's the Verdugo, usc whatever. It's smack dab in the middle. It's a big sloppy load. And it's right in the middle of the hospital driveway. And I'm like, you just fucking let your dog, whoever's coming up here is either stroking out in the back of an ambulance or the grieving daughter of the guy that had the stroke who's written, they gotta drive through your dog's shit in order to get to papa's hospital bed. And you knew it. You saw what your dog was doing. He just laid a fucking big load right there. And that guy just kept on trucking. Not a care in the world in my America. I want this guy executed. I'm like, he's now capable of anything. He's not a contributor. I'll spare the dog. The dog didn't know where he was. This is a middle of a Sidewalk where people walk up and down and bike and everything. But it's the hospital. How much do you hate this guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hate the guy. And I'll tell you what I would do, because this is what I did do. I live in Venice and a guy walks by and he's got a pit bull. And the thing takes exactly this. Takes a shit on the sidewalk.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not even in the little, you know, decomposed granite between the curb and the sidewalk. Right on the sidewalk and keeps walking. And I say, hey, pick up that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the guy turns around and he's like a fucking OG Venice dude. And I read it wrong. He wasn't. I didn't see it right away because some of these guys aren't that big from behind. And then they flip around and you see the, you know, the Chuck Taylors and the shorts that aren't shorts and they're not pants. They're kind of deciding somewhere in between.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they call them shants and Kevin Smith has them. But it's also a Mexican thing where they haven't committed to the slacks and they haven't committed to the jogging shorts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always funny. I want to start a charity called Swim Trunks for Mexicans because they go to the fucking beach and they have jeans that are like cut off mid shin. And I'm like, first off going in the ocean, then sitting down in the sand and denim. It feels like the most uncomfortable thing you could do. But there's some relationship that that group has which is wildly different than Western Europeans. Western Europeans are like Speedo dolphin trunks. A lot of sack and thigh and ass cheek and stuff. Mexicans. Every Mexican I've ever seen at the beach seems surprised that they ended up at the beach. Like, they're. They're wearing like documents.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're never gonna guess where we're going.

[Adam Carolla]

They're wearing Dickies and like work shirts and stuff. And I'm like, you going to the beach?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a theory.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway. Sorry. This guy turned around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So he turns around, he's a white guy. But a lot of the OG Mexican guys are. They dress Mexican, the old white guys dressed Mexican. He's got the neck tattoo and the head is shaved. And so he starts just. He doesn't say a word. He just comes at me. And that's the scary guy. The guy that talks shit you can reason with on some level. And so I just turn around and I walk back and I got into my car and I said to the guy, I'm calling the Police I was fucking. You know, because I was like, the shit's getting picked up one way or the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Young Fitz dog would have gone, el cabong with a microphone right on that dude's head. That was young Fitz dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The old Fitz dog is a puss. I call 911, which in Venice is like, just yell it into the sky. Just yell, can someone help me, please? And so no one's coming, but now he's walking away, and I'm following him in my car at the time, Prius, which just angered him even more. And then he came over and he punched us out of my window. And then I just drove off.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That was the whole interaction, and the shit stayed there. I probably would have picked it up. Knowing me, at that point, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Fascinated by those who are unprovoked and yet called to act. They can act on it. Meaning what I'm saying is I have enough room in my head to sort of understand the difference between me pulling out and cutting you off. And then you cutting me off. And if I cut you off and you honk, I don't get angry. I go, okay, yeah, sorry, that. Didn't see. You didn't see. You didn't see it. I'm sort of intrigued with those who do the wrong first and then are angered that you brought it up. Like, I got a dog. My dog could possibly shit on a sidewalk in front of a hospital. But if you brought it up to me, I would immediately go into makeup mode, retreat mode. Cause guess who just got caught with his dog shitting up the sidewalk? I would not get angry at you. You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the woman in the car that the cop is telling to roll down her window. And she's yelling at him that he did something wrong by pulling her over for speeding or whatever it was that made him pull her over.

[Adam Carolla]

I was in Santa Monica. I've told it when it happened about two years ago, but I was in Santa Monica. I don't think I told you. And I. Again, inspired by those who sort of are motivated for no possible reason. I was in Santa Monica in front of the third Street Promenade or whatever. I'll try to describe it, but it was one of those scenes where I dropped someone off and they said, I gotta run in here. I gotta go to the store. This thing came in, I gotta grab it. I'm gonna come back out. So then I did the thing where I'm like, I don't want to park in the parking structure and pay 13 bucks and whatever. I'll just kind of circle the block kind of slowly. And then when you come out, call or I'll be coming out front. You just jump in. And so I was, like, slowly circling the block. And then I get the call. I'm coming out of the store. I go, okay, I'm just coming out front. I'll just. Now there's two driveways into the parking structure. And then there's like, two driveways out of the parking structure. And one of the driveways out seems to be dormant, like they're not using it. And so I just sort of. I can't park on the street because there's a lot of traffic on the street. I sort of pull up and sort of park in the driveway that's not blocking anyone. And it's, like, dormant. And I'm just waiting for this person to come out and jump in the car. I put my hazards on, and I'm not doing anything. I'm not blocking the sidewalk. I'm not blocking the entrance to the parking structure or anything. And then there's a guy comes down the boulevard and he's going to turn into the parking structure. And he stops on the street and he starts honking his horn and he starts looking at me and he's like, get out of there. And I'm like, oh, he thinks I'm blocking the parking structure. And I go, no, no, just. I'm not blocked. Go park. He wants to use the parking structure. He goes, get out. I'm waiting for someone. I'm not blocking anyone. You can get in. And I got my window down. I go, just go ahead and just pull in. I'm not blocking you. And he goes, I don't care. Move your car. And I go, just pull in and park. Just pull in and park. And of course, people are starting to line up behind him now. People are like, come on, man. We wanna pull into the parking structure. And I go, just. Just pull in. And I roll the window back up. He turns, he stops. Behind my car, luckily, was, like, a little too far away. It's like that thing where you're trying to pull the ticket, but you stop too far away and you're leaning at the fucking car. He's leaning out of his car, but he stopped, like, 30 inches from my car. I'm at the end of his reach, and I'm hearing him claw at my rear windshield wiper, like, trying to tear, like, clawing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like clawing.

[Adam Carolla]

Like an alien movie where you've been reanimated into A killer zombie. Like when they're trying to get in the room, you know, they're just like, oh my God. They're like chewing on stuff. I'm looking at my rear view, it strikes me people are turning in behind him now. He stopped and they're like honking and said he's literally like clawing his fingernails trying to rip my rear windshield wiper off or punch my windshield. I'm like, what happened? How does this Shopify? Well, starting a business, it can be intimidating. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. You'll be able to get the word out like you have your own marketing team behind you. Easily create emails and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify, right? Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

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[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

First off, I never met you in my life. Secondly, he was like a 40 year old dude with a beard that seemed to be nicely groomed, you know, and I was like, you're just going to Santa Monica. You are going. You left the house 18 minutes ago thinking you were going to the 3rd Street Promenade to get frozen yogurt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When did this, when did the kraken get unleashed?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And for all you know, I got a fucking special needs child that's like in there or talking to a counselor or a gun or anything. What? What provoked. How did I get so much energy? Yeah, from you. Also, you didn't need to traffic cop any of this. I wasn't holding anybody up. There was nobody waiting for me. Including you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And next thing you know, you're lodging your fingernails into My rear windshield wiper, wiper blade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's something, something happened that day. There was something he did not express. And I think as, as one thing that I do in my life is I call out little things as they come so they don't build up. So I had my, my daughter got her.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we agree that him and guy who left sloppy shit at the hospital. Dog guy. I'm an atheist. I would, I would. If somebody said you have a magic wand, you can put a bullet in both their heads, no one will trace it back to you, I'd go, yeah, get rid of them. I don't want those gu around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, go ahead. So my daughter got an emergency appendectomy. So we're at the hospital, this is about two weeks ago. And so we get out at about 11 o' clock at night and I've got to go pick up the painkillers for her. And there's only one pharmacy open in Santa Monica at night. So I go to that one on 26th street and I'm online. And now there's.

[Adam Carolla]

You're in line.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I'm online.

[Adam Carolla]

Online.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I'm on the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, you're online. Oh, you're on the line. Yeah, I guess it is online. Well now there's online.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I guess we have to update it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm online and there's a. There's a guy at the window and the pharmacist is waiting to find out what the guy wants. And he's on the phone and he's yapping away on the phone and he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're doing the drive thru.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no, no, I'm standing there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry, okay, sorry. Online.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm standing behind him and so he. Pharmacists can't get his attention, right. And meanwhile my daughter. This happened at five o' clock in the morning. I have been by my daughter's side now for 16 hours, non stop, including a surgery. And now I'm in line and he won't stop talking. And I go, can you hang up your phone? And he's a homosexual.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he hangs up his phone and he spins around and he fucking unleashes on me. You piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look where you are.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a pharmacy at 10 o' clock at night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And whatever. And I go, and I go, wow, you're hysterical. Which is just a way of saying you are gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so he.

[Adam Carolla]

It also means you're a woman. Cause hysterectomy Hysterical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's connected. So he's going berserk. And then finally, he's even trying to order his drugs. And he's saying to the pharmacist, you believe some assholes. You believe. And so. And the fists start. I don't even realize it. My fists are now clenched. I'm ready to go. And so. And so I just started. I just started saying, say more, Say more. Say, say more. And he. And he won't stop. And then everybody on the line starts going, hey, man, shut the fuck up. And then he got. There was like five people on the line, and they were all telling him to shut up and leave. But, man, I haven't been that close to punching somebody in a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird how adults turned out, is it not? I'm surprised. When I was a kid, I would have never anticipated this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we're in a bubble now, you know? I guess so we're not walking down the street. I mean, people are not conversing in public places. Cause they're on their phones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've lost all sense of community and being a good guy. I enjoy doing nice things for people. I don't see that anymore. Random acts of kindness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I agree. There was. You know what? I blame car technology.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Because people used to be pulled over all the time. And then you could show up and go, what happened? I go, battery died. I go, I got cables in my trunk. You want to jump? I jump. There was a bonding over jumping batteries. There was a lot of. I'll give you a ride to the Phillips 66. You can get more gas or better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had a siphon. I used to suck gas out of my tank to give my friend Frismoped. That died next to me like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking World War II tank commander. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. And there was. There was like a whole kind of community that was basically. I've said it. We need to throw baby Jessica in a well. We need a well moment in our society. We need a well baby because everyone stops fighting and they stop talking about what they're talking about. We all focus on baby Jessica and that. Well, we come together for one cause. You know what I'm saying? And cars were the cause. Think about how communal. First off, I can't tell you how many times I've jumped in on a car bump start.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you've seen the dude. Two dudes pushing and pulling. You're like, okay. And you just jump in on it. Now we jump in on Beatings, like, people being beaten. And the guy's like, oh, fuck, I'll start kicking the guy. I don't even know him. We used to jump. We used to jump start, jump. We do bump start jump ins, we do jumper cable jump ins. We do the overheat thing, you know, you need a ride? I'll give you a ride to the gas station. There's the out of gas ride. There's. I got a gas can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was the. I was driving back from. I grew up right outside of New York and outside the city. And so I'm driving home one night and I've got my Volkswagen Rabbit and it's a freezing night out, and my car gets a flat tire in front of Yankee Stadium on the west side Highway. So now I go back, I've got no fucking jack. You know, I'm like 17 years old and this is literally the worst neighborhood in New York City. And it's probably 2 o' clock in the morning. And so this car pulls up behind me and this huge black dude gets out. And like, you know that part of me that socialized is afraid of this situation. And the guy comes up and he goes, what's going on? I go, I don't have a jack and I have a flat tire. And he doesn't say a word. And he turns around and he goes back to his car and he gets a jack and he undoes my lug nuts, put the tire on in the back. And then he turns around and just walks away and gets into his car and I chase after him. I go, hey, man, who are you? I go, why this? Thank you so much. And so he gave me this guy, go, give me your business card. And he was a caterer, and I bought this dude a whole set of catering knives.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't have any fucking money, but I spent like 150 bucks and I sent it to this dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Stabbed his girlfriend with those knives. But yeah, started off as a good start. I heard, I read the papers. I had a. Yeah, I spent a lot of time walking and I got my bike towed. I got my motorcycle towed. I was fucking hitchhiking down Laurel Canyon. The big dude who turned out later to be in Stand and Deliver, the movie, he just picked me up. Yeah, and we smoked pot in my apartment like we used to. There was a communal thing based on shoddy transportation. Yeah, we all had to come together because of bad shoddy transportation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So just you and this grown man in your apartment smoking pot. Now, did he give the hand job or did you Give the hand job.

[Adam Carolla]

I am a fucking. I don't know what they call a top or bottom in the hand job department, but I'd like to say I'm a top, which means I received the hand job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you sat and delivered.

[Adam Carolla]

Sat and delivered.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It was a guy told me he's an actor. We found the guy's name here six months later. Like, I saw him on a billboard. I was like. I was driving a Pinto when he picked me up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. Well, he was a struggling actor, and then he got this. Oh, this is before the movie. Before. I was just like, I know that guy. The character was the big scary Mexican guy in Stand and Deliver. We found his name before. That's how stupid I was. I was this guy in a Pinto, by the way. Couldn't go quarter mile without blowing up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Giant Mexican guy. And I'm like, yeah, I'll get in the car. Yeah, we just got. We just fucking picked me up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I remember once on Laurel Kane, at the same time, my truck ran out of gas. And I was a carpenter at the time. And I remember walking to the gas station, and the guy goes. I go, hey, man, I ran out of gas. Could I borrow a gas can? And I'll. I didn't have credit cards or money or anything. I just got like a dollar worth of gas, but I'll just bring the gas can back. And the guy's like, yeah, no, we don't lend out the gas can. And I go, well, I only got like a dollar for a dollar's worth of gas. My car's out of thing, and I don't have any cash, but I'll just bring the gas can right back as soon as I get the stuff. Yeah, Will Gauthay is his name. Yeah. And so the guy goes, yeah, we don't rent out the gas. We don't lend out the gas can. And he goes. I go, is it that big an issue? You know? And he's like, well, people walk off with it, you know? And I go, okay, well, I got a plan. I go back to the truck and I get my skil hypoid framing saw. Like, street value, like 145 bucks at the time, Right. And I go, here is my $145 skill saw. You lend me your $6 gas can, and if I don't come back, you got my $145 skill saw. And he goes, we don't lend the can. And I go, why not? He goes, because people may not come back with It I go, okay, if I don't come back with the can, then that'll be the best day of your life because you'll have this $150 saw and you could buy 10 cans with it if you pawn it or what. You should hope I don't come back with your can. And he's like, we don't lend the can out. And that's when I realized, oh, this is the world I've now. Now I'm living here. This is where I'm living. This is who I'm dealing with. Jesus Christ is gonna be a long and shitty life. All right, we will take ourselves a break. Dawson's got the news. And we'll do that right after this. Chime. Oh, man, there are fees everywhere. Fees everywhere. And they hurt the most when you're down. That's why Chime offers fee free banking. When we're trying to make a little progress, life throws you a curveball. You often feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. A Chime checking account makes financial progress easier with features like no maintenance fees, fee free overdraft up to 200 bucks, or getting paid two days early with direct deposit. It is a great, great service. There's no monthly fees, no overdraft fees, no minimum balance requirements. It's Chime. Am I right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in two [e-mail] Adam. That's chime.com Adam. Chime feels like progress. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members. Fdic Spot me. Eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file. Fees apply at out of work network ATMs. Bank ranking and number of ATMs. According to US World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

[Dawson]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But whenever I fly, I always think about the pilot. I always, like, kind of feel bad for pilots because they seem compromised. You know, like, he gets his wings and now he's floating up above the clouds, heading into the wild blue yonder. Followed his dream. And then he's got to stop down and be like. Attention passengers. The flight attendant will be coming through the aisle now with the JetBlue Super Saver Mile High Visa. Fill it out today and if you spend $20,000 in the next four days, we'll give you 3,000 miles. What the fuck happened in my life? That's it.

[Selena Myers]

I'm done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm putting this fucker down on the side of that hill.

[Mike Dawson]

Greg Fitzsimm is on the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Fitz Dog in studio now. Dawson's in studio. He's got the news.

[Mike Dawson]

That's right. We're continuing to see how much of a bullet we in fact did dodge that. Thankfully, Kamala Harris did not win the presidency.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I just give a quick shout out to Dawson, who opened for me in Brea recently and fucking crushed. Really so impressed with his stand up.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really good.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, that felt good.

[Mike Dawson]

Thank you for the opportunity. It was a ton of fun. Kamala Harris was supposed to be on a podcast called Subway Takes Now. The, the idea of this podcast is they, they ask their guest what their hottest take is. And so when, when he talks about, you'll hear him tell this story. Let's let him tell this story about how Kamala show was canceled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this before the election?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, here we emailed me, they emailed.

[Kareem Rama]

I get an email from the dnc.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Kareem Rama]

And they said, hey, Kamala Harris and Tim Walls are really interested in being on your show. I said, that sounds cool. Okay, I'll at least get to tell my daughter that I met the potential president of the United States. And so I said yes, based on, on the fact that it would be a good story. And also they both had good takes.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened with Commonwealth?

[Kareem Rama]

Her take was really confusing and weird and not good. And so mutually agreed that we shouldn't publish it.

[Adam Carolla]

I see.

[Kareem Rama]

And I got lucky because I didn't want to be blamed for her losing.

[Adam Carolla]

Her take was that bad.

[Kareem Rama]

It was really, really bad. And it was, it was like, didn't make any sense. I can tell you. Bacon is a spice. Bacon is a spice.

[Adam Carolla]

Bacon is a spice.

[Mike Dawson]

So that was Kamala's take that bacon is a spice. Now, I, I, I think that in some ways, Adam has Half Inc. Encourages you because, you know, you always say that putting bacon on anything is cheating because it just masks the flavor.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an apology. It's an apology for whatever you're serving.

[Mike Dawson]

So could you agree that bacon is in some way a spice and also agree that that is the dumbest thing anybody could say who's running for president on a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

It is almost Becoming a spice. Now, I hate to agree with Kamala, but they're crushing it up and pouring it on everything. And my feeling is like. Like, first off, I never thought I would say either one of these two things, which is. These are two statements. If you'd got hold of me when I was 17, you'd never think you'd hear me say, one is, enough with the bacon. I've had enough bacon. Yeah, it's too. I just don't want to see any more bacon for a week. That's that. And the other is, we can stop making new pork. Those are the two statements that I now say that I would have never thought the words, I've had enough bacon and we don't need any more porn. I never thought I would utter those words. It's sacrilegious to me. But I now, as an adult, can say, there's too much bacon and we got enough porn. My son will be fine with the 200 million hours of porn that currently resides in his function.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would put an asterisk on that. Are you familiar with bacon porn?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, the making bacon one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She oinks while you do it and sizzles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that's your groove, but what I'm saying is awfully scenic, even. Yes, but even within very specific roads of porn or varieties of porn, I would still argue that there's still thousands of hours of Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hundreds, not thousands. We're not there yet. Yeah, well, I think I just feel like the women. It used to be Japanese hidden camera massage porn, and they literally scrubbed the Internet of it. It used to be a huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me revise this. Let me revise this. You're right. I painted with too broad a brush. Okay, okay. I'm generally tired of bacon being spread on way too many things. If I order a deviled egg, I don't need bacon on the deviled egg. I want a deviled fucking egg, and I don't need it on potatoes. A baked potato. I don'. I don't need everything to taste like bacon because I ordered a baked potato and I'd ordered deviled eggs. And deviled egg has its own flavor. It's not bacon. It's deviled eggs flavor. That's what you're in the mood for. I like bacon. I'd like them to tone it down a little. And in terms of creating new porn, I wanted to cease except for one genre, and that's Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn that we need to double and triple down our efforts. As a matter of fact, all porn directors that are currently working double back porn and you know, and. And cuck porn and big jugs porn and black ass porn and all, all forms of gay porn. I need you to now rally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want to Spielberg. I want Paul Thomas Anderson. Let the crossover. This is the time to pass.

[Adam Carolla]

I want look at it as wartime.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys were GM and Ford and you were making sedans. I need you to make tanks and jeeps. Now for Fitz Dog's cock. Essentially what we're saying, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the most insane part is that it's very like it is 100% real. And I defy anybody to tell me some of these. Oh, it's fake. Yeah. Okay. Take a look at her face. Her face as he begins to rub her buttocks. And then get into the inside of the thigh. Something happens to her eyes. The eyelids flitter, the eyeballs go top right. And then there becomes a manual stimulation. At which point you can see the rib cage start to move up and down slightly. The rest of the body is frozen except for the rib cage. And there's a. Two fingers might start to thump up and down. She is pushing a lot down.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna carve out a second genre, which is porn audition tape where they come in, they're fully dressed, they sat down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Casting couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Casting couch. They read with a woman. At some point, she explains that she's not really comfortable making love to a woman. And then the woman leaves and goes gets the guy and, you know, blowjob ensues. All right, so I'm just going to revise that statement a little.

[Mike Dawson]

If I ever get into gay porn, I'm going to name myself Manual stimulation.

[Adam Carolla]

Manual stimulation. I'm going with Rocky Stucco, but I may have Colonel Duke lacrosse.

[Mike Dawson]

There's got.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because I like a uniform.

[Mike Dawson]

So back to this story. The host of the podcast, Kareem Rama, he's a Muslim. He does not eat bacon in the first place. So it was a little.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A little bit like that.

[Mike Dawson]

But then she kept doubling down and she said, think about it. It's pure flavor. And then he asked if he could use beef or turkey as a spice instead. Then they paused the interview and he told her he doesn't eat bacon. They asked if they could do a pre planned segment, which her original take. Kamala's original take was that you should not that you should have to take your shoes off at the tsa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was good.

[Mike Dawson]

She was gonna defend taking your shoes Off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's when they get voters. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Americans love taking their shoes off. I sometimes wish I was wearing two pair of shoes so I had a second pair I could take off. I love it that much.

[Mike Dawson]

But that was the take that she was originally going to go in there with.

[Adam Carolla]

I was always like, man, I wish I was wearing my riding boots right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or.

[Adam Carolla]

Or my lineman boots. You know, something that was a lace that just went all the way up, all the way to the top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the best is then you take them off and they make you stand with your feet on the yellow footprints, which have now had thousands of people with foot fungus stand on those exact spots. I always try to go a little wide, and they go, no, you gotta stand on them.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, yeah. And then you walk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're warm stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I have literally taken pictures of the carpet as these filthiest stretch of carpet in humanity. Because you go into the lobby of a hotel, the carpet gets cleaned, and it's not bad. You go into a restaurant, the carpet gets cleaned. It's not bad. That is the carpet stretch. Time forgot. There's never any time to clean it. The airport's open 24 7. There's never a guy in there with a shampoo. There's always gum someone spit out. It's goddamn shit. Show that stretch of carpet. And I see women walking barefoot frequently. Frequently. And I also then realized this weird sort of relationship we have with germs. Because the same chick who just walked barefoot down damnation alley of carpet and stood on the filthy footprints is now going to the bathroom and, like, opening the door with her sleeve. Cause she doesn't want to touch the handle. We're all taking a Purell bath. Anyway, something's wrong with Kamala. Something is wrong with her. And I think there is a problem. The problem is. And at Fitz Dog, you see it with standups all the time. At the end of the day, we're sort of human beings, you know? And you kind of go, I like that guy. You know, most people you talk to, especially laypeople, if you talk to them about, like, standups, they'll go, I love that guy. That guy's really funny. And then you go, I don't know. I've seen his stuff. Like, there's really not that much good stuff there. Like, if you wrote it down. And they go, ah, he's good. He makes me laugh. I like that guy. I like that guy. And you go, he's not really funny. Like, it's not. His stuff doesn't. If you wrote it Down. You wouldn't think it was funny. They go, I like him. It's like you like Nate Bargazzi. Why do you like him? He's comfortable. He's super comfortable in his own skin. He's good, but he's not so good that he's the highest grossing comic, touring comic, $80 million. It's that he's super. Look, if you wrote down Fitz Dog's. If you wrote down Fitz Dog's material and you wrote down Nate Bargazi's material and you just sat and read it and you're like, one of These guys made $80 million last year. The other guy made $2,600.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Soul Joel's and probably on PA.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's got one guy got a lot of free wings. You'd read it and you'd go, I think the guy who's got barbecue sauce on his jokes from eating the wings, the guy's got dipping sauce. I'm going with that guy. You would. So what is it? Well, it's humans. It's us being human. You know what I mean? Like, you just go, and she doesn't know how to be a human. She's trying to do an impersonation of a human. Just like when you see a stand up doing the impersonation of a standup and no one likes it, you know what I mean? She's literally going, what would ingratiate humans or another human to another human? Like, I'll say that I'll do that. What would they do? I'll work at McDonald's. McDonald's. That's a very. That's the most human thing you can do. That's work at McDonald's. Very humble, very. One of them, you know, Very.

[Mike Dawson]

And she tells a Muslim that bacon is a spice.

[Adam Carolla]

She gets tripped. But when you do it, you get tripped up, you know what I mean? And that's kind of. She trips herself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although you gotta say, she's like AI. When she first ran and whatever it was, the first time we saw her run, was it 2016. She was so incredibly. Like. You said she was doing an impression of a politician speaking. Oh, yeah, she got way better. And you know, I think that it's just like AI kind of reads it more and figures it out more and impersonates it better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, the whole thing about the impersonation, whether it's the politician with all the answers or the loving husband who's really gay, you can pull it off for a bit. You're actually better than a regular husband because you're overcompensating for being gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So that thing, you can front load it and sort of pull it off, but eventually you sort of become like a band. And their sophomore album, you know, it's like you had did all the good stuff. You were on the road, touring, nursing a head full of songs for 10 years, went platinum. And then the record company said, we need a follow up album in nine months. And they're like, I just used all of my stuff. You know what I mean? And I think she used all her stuff. And now we're just into these impromptu conversations and she didn't. Couldn't work that one. All right.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Mike Dawson]

So the take she wanted to go with was, you know, taking shoes off at airport. In an ironic, serendipitous turn, nearly 20 years after airline passengers were first required to remove their shoes for security, the policy is finally being phased out. TSA is planning on letting everyone keep their shoes on in most airports. Ace man, you had a joke that. Except the airports that he's gonna fly out of, those are the ones.

[Adam Carolla]

They're sitting in a room in Washington right now. Let's look at Ace Man's corridor here. All right, Burbank out.

[Mike Dawson]

And it's funny, I realize we all know that this policy came into effect because a guy named Richard Reed, the shoe bomber, tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe. It didn't work. But I'm reading here that the policy came five years after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Mike Dawson]

It took him five years to go, let's think about this. How do we stop people from blowing up planes with shoe bombs?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, how about the guy? How about the cowboy with the boots with the big heel? Well, flag him. And if I'm coming through in a pair of Chuck Taylors, there's no bomb in those. It's like LL Airline has never had. Do you know that they've never had a terrorist event on LL Airlines because they profile, they go, what would logically be a terrorist?

[Mike Dawson]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I would get more granular. It'd be like, look, work boots, lineman boots, cowboy boots. You got a lot of TNT in that heel. Anyone wearing topsiders, go on by tech.

[Mike Dawson]

Shoes, let them go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's just not enough soul there. And if you're wearing those scary ninjas shoes that guys used to wear, those weird gang bangers and ninjas would wear them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Or are you sneaking or the toe shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

The toe shoes. You're in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're in with the toe shoes. I feel bad for the foot fetishes. Cause this was a field day for them. You would see guys loitering on the other side of the screener looking for those, you know, those Asian girls coming through with the.

[Adam Carolla]

And my policy with Crocs would be you gotta take them off. Cause they could hold a lot of high explosives in there. But we're not returning them, and we're doing you a favor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We just had a giant bin.

[Adam Carolla]

We throw them in there like we do your water bottles. And then when people complain, we just keep repeating, you're welcome.

[Mike Dawson]

I love how that this. This policy was introduced when it didn't work. Yeah, the guy couldn't. It's very difficult to blow up a plane with your shoe. I'd say nearly impossible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

But then for 20 years, we're all taking off our shoes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think they're changing the Liquid policy, too. 3 ounces right now. I think they're raising it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the problem, the part that doesn't really make sense is I go, I got a half bottle of Dysante water, right? And I go, what? Can't bring it on? You know, it's also ironically, everything in the airport's like, $11 more than it is at a 7 11. But they go, can't bring it. You can finish it. Can't bring it on. I go, you know why? Well, it could be, you know, nitroglycerin or something. Or kerosene or something. Okay, so we're all just gonna throw it in this universal tin can that's right in the middle of 7,000 people all day, every day. Let's just say it was a bomb. Let's just say it was an incendiary device. I'll just set it behind the X ray machine where there's 40 of you officers all standing around and then 2000 public just passing by every 40 minutes. You think that'd be a good idea? Doesn't really make sense. All right, Dawson. Yes. I know we didn't get to a lot of news, but it was a spirited conversation.

[Mike Dawson]

Good times.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times. Fitz dog will bid you adieu. We got Chris Collins and Selena Meyers coming in. They got a movie, and we got. Interesting conversation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is Selena Meyer is the name of the woman on Veep?

[Mike Dawson]

That's the character Selina Meyer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is. Yeah. Isn't Chris Collins the name of a former NFL player who's also a reporter who's.

[Mike Dawson]

That's worth. Different people?

[Adam Carolla]

Different people. Same name game. Hey, let me ask you guys a quick question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm really obsessing over super simple names where there's only one famous one of them. Like, okay, what is a more ubiquitous American name than Alex Jones?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Mike Dawson]

I have a friend named Alex Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

Very good friend. It's totally ubiquitous. It's. Alex is ubiquitous and Jones is. It's every fake glass, Smith or Jones. You know, it's ubiquitous. If I go, I heard Alex Jones talking, you don't go, alex Jones the NFL great, or Alex Jones the conspiracy theorist. Or Alex Jones the astronaut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Alex Jones the senator from Kentucky. You go, there's one. Why is there only one? Is your friend famous? No, there's only one famous guy named Alex Jones. But there's gotta be millions. And I started. I've really been thinking about it a lot lately, and I'm like, it must be that hard to be famous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because it's not that. There's not a lot of Alex Jones Joneses.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

There must be hundreds of thousands of Alex Joneses. And certainly in the last, like 30 years, there had to be 2 million Alex Joneses. But I say, Alex Jones. They go, all right. And they go, okay, who's the second most famous Alex Jones? And you go, there's nobody.

[Mike Dawson]

There are probably 200 Alex Jones podcast hosts named Alex Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone will write me a tweet and go, you know, there's a district selectman out of San Diego whose name. That's what I'm talking about. I don't know who that person is. And nearest anybody in this room.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Huh. My brain is in full. I'm in overdrive right now trying to think of two famous names. Well, I mean, part of the. With actors, it might be. You may change your name.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be a Michael Shay Fox or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, well, you know, Jeff. Jeff Ross used to be Jeff Lifshitz. Lifschultz.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds insulting when you say it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was Lif Schultz.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he changed it to Jeff Ross. But then there was a producer on Conan. On Conan o' Brien named Jeff Ross, so he changed. So Jeff changed his name to Jeffrey Ross.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that why he's. I thought, he's just going fucking highfalutin on me. That's why I went from Jeff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got a show opening on Broadway. Shout out, Take a banana for the ride in August.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

You know, it's funny. There's Alex Jones. Never gets an answer. But anytime I say, I'm gonna go see Alan Parsons this weekend, people go, alan Parsons, Alan Parsons. What other one is there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm now Realizing that it's harder to be famous than I thought. And you know, there's only one. There are plenty of girls named Hock to a girl, but there's only one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's Mick Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who was the guitarist for the Clash and he was the lead singer for Foreigner.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll take a break. Come right back after this. Select quote Time for some life talk. Yeah, life insurance talk. Buying life insurance is like hiring a bodyguard for your bank account after you're gone. But all jokes aside, do you even know what you're paying for or how much is actually covered? How much you're covered for? Do you even know that? Select quote makes it simple. I'm heading there myself to sort out my policy. These days, with the economy flipping out, AI tariffs, market spikes, you gotta take matters into your own hands. One sure way to protect your future life insurance. And you're probably underinsured, overpaying or both. Especially if your policies through work. Select Quote's been around for over 40 years, helped 2 million Americans and secured over 700 billion in coverage. Their license agents work for you, not the insurance companies. 15 minutes they'll compare top rated carriers and find the best plan for you, your health and your budget. And it's free. Am I right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Select quote they shop, you save. Get the right life insurance quote for you for [e-mail] Corolla Go to SelectQuote.com Corolla today to get started that SelectQuote.com.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla Homes.com Some say Homes.com is the best home shopping site. Maybe it's Homes.com's super comprehensive and transparent agent directory. Or Maybe it's that homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing agent who knows the home the best. Perhaps it's because homes.com has the most in depth neighborhood content of any home shopping site that's extensively researched to highlight the personality of each neighborhood. Homes.com well, they go above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in depth info they need to find the right home. And that could be you. It's definitely, definitely me. I love going to homes.com homes.com we've done your homework and now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show.

[Mike Dawson]

Dateline, Pinellas County, Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

A 56 year old man was found.

[Mike Dawson]

Intoxicated in a parking lot holding a.

[Adam Carolla]

Bottle of wine and a can. The man was wearing a T shirt but had his genitals exposed. When booked, the man provided the false name of famed author Charles Dickens.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Definitely not a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks to good people from Alcoa for sponsoring that for so many years. Selina Myers is here. Chris Collins is here. They have a film that'll be in theaters July 25, House of Eden. It's got a little Blair Witch to it, I think.

[Selena Myers]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that some of the inspiration for it?

[Selena Myers]

Definitely. Some inspiration from Blair Witch. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Found footage is there. How into ghosts are we?

[Selena Myers]

Pretty into ghosts.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty into ghosts.

[Selena Myers]

Pretty into them. Yeah. We do like paranormal investigation stuff on our off time.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. You know, my problem with ghost is every time I see a show about it, it seems like it's kind of falls on a. Somewhere around ufo kind of Sasquatch area. Loch Ness. Like, I want high def footage.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. It's almost impossible to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I don't know why people. I don't know why historically we've been so scared of ghosts. It doesn't appear to be something to fear.

[Selena Myers]

No, not in our experience at least.

[Chris Collins]

No. We've had a couple scary moments, but at the same time, like, we've had somewhere just like kind of. Kind of beautiful moments too.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, ostensibly ghosts are just people that used to be alive that you. Maybe your nana.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who you miss.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And let's put it to you this way. Pet ghosts wouldn't work. Because if there's pet ghosts, I'd be like, oh, great, Molly, my blonde Lab who died 11 years ago is back.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be happy about that.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly. Well, there's pet ghosts.

[Chris Collins]

There are pet ghosts.

[Selena Myers]

My old house has a black cat. Allegedly.

[Adam Carolla]

Your old house has a black cat.

[Chris Collins]

Everybody saw an old. Like, everybody in my came to my house, saw a black cat. I've never seen the cat, but my dad saw. He's like, who's a black cat inside the house in. But I never saw it.

[Selena Myers]

Just an elusive black cat that frogs.

[Adam Carolla]

You've never seen it, but are you. Do you guys feel like you're more sensitive or tuned up to spotting ghosts or stealing ghosts?

[Selena Myers]

You are too.

[Chris Collins]

We're definitely empaths for sure. Like, we see and feel things. But it's been with me since I was a kid when people are like, oh, I don't believe. I'm like, oh, you just haven't seen it yet.

[Adam Carolla]

But what's up with the cat then? How come everyone else spots?

[Chris Collins]

I don't know. And that was interesting because it was even non believers. Like, I saw Your cat? I'm like, I don't have a cat. So that's what. That was one of those, like, validating moments where I'm like, okay, Ghostbusters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Real.

[Adam Carolla]

Who knows? Who knows? Okay, here's another problem. Perhaps Maybe I used to do sketch comedy at the Acme Theater a million years ago, and there was a girl there named Katie, and she was from New Orleans, and somehow the subject of ghosts came up and she went, oh, yeah. From childhood and beyond. Like, oh, is there anyone I knew saw a ghost? And I'm like, I'm from North Hollywood. There's no. No one ever saw a ghost.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So then it becomes sort of like when Bill Maher goes, this whole thing about gender reassignment surgery and people having, you know, gender confusion and stuff. Why is it only in LA and New York? How come it doesn't happen in Indiana? And I go, oh, yeah, kind of. Right. Yeah. If it's a phenomenon, it should just. Where are the ghosts from North Hollywood?

[Chris Collins]

Well, there's ghosts in North Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

There are?

[Selena Myers]

Oh, yeah. Well, we're actually. Well, I guess. Gosh.

[Adam Carolla]

How come? If you're from New Orleans, it's a thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a culture that sits here.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like jambalaya. Never, never touched a shit. I'm from North Hollywood.

[Selena Myers]

Not part of it. Absolutely. I don't know. Just environment.

[Adam Carolla]

Because it matters. The same amount of people die.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, no, absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's just a lot to do with stories.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you get a ghost? I mean, you got people dying. My mom. My dad passed in the last, I don't know, three years or so. I think they're too lazy to be ghosts. Like, I feel like that's a calorie burner. They're happy. Like, I'm just gonna finally get some rest here.

[Chris Collins]

No unfinished business, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, never started any.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So how would it be unfinished? We never began a business. But what makes a ghost? Is it the unfinished business part?

[Selena Myers]

Seems like there's a lot of different.

[Chris Collins]

There's unfinished business. There's, you know, some people say tragic deaths caused more. So ghosts, they don't know that they died. There's so many different little pieces that what can create a ghost? I think, you know, a lot of the time some of them are real, but like Chris said, a lot of the time I think it's just the lore and the stories that people get excited about too.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is the Queen Mary? A ghost place.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. I've not been there, but it's like the infamous one that everybody goes and ghost hunts at.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a place in like Europe? Are there ghosts in the Middle East? Is it too hot?

[Selena Myers]

Oh, no, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

I never hear about Middle East.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Go down the Google rabbit hole.

[Selena Myers]

Maybe we should go.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is a culture that embraces the ghosts the most?

[Selena Myers]

White people.

[Adam Carolla]

White people love ghosts. But white women, I'd say white women, lots of people.

[Chris Collins]

And it's like animals. Animals and ghosts.

[Selena Myers]

Seems like though. Seems like, I feel like European and American culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like. Are the ghost people the same as the psychic people? Are they in the same family or phylum or something?

[Selena Myers]

Those are questions for her.

[Chris Collins]

Explain a little bit more. What do you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would say if you went to a party and someone said there's a psychic reader who's going to read, there'd be a line of women and less guys. And then the people in the line would tend to probably believe in ghosts more than the guys who are just at the bar not waiting in that line. Right?

[Chris Collins]

No, absolutely. I feel like even women are just a little bit more intuitive sometimes than men can be. Not necessarily all the time, but yeah, I feel like you're gonna like draws like.

[Adam Carolla]

I think women notice ghosts more than men because women like a walk in a room and go.

[Chris Collins]

The energy.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you smoke a cigarette anytime?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Selena Myers]

We're always. We always know.

[Adam Carolla]

Backyard. And I took a shower and I brushed my teeth.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Selena Myers]

We see the red hair on her sweater.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yep. The lipstick.

[Selena Myers]

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Women are very. They're like beagles, you know.

[Selena Myers]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on here?

[Selena Myers]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And so they walk into to every room like it's a fucking crime scene.

[Selena Myers]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Walk into the living room like, okay, what's going on here? And it's like, I don't know, I'm watching tv. Okay. Something's going on, something's off.

[Selena Myers]

It's just with being a woman, you gotta be like a deer. You're just looking around all the time like, what's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's cause of kids and you gotta notice everything, otherwise.

[Selena Myers]

Otherwise they die.

[Adam Carolla]

They die. Tend to die, guys. We don't. I mean, we gotta go out and get some food and kill something, but we don't have to notice once we get back. Right. So I think women notice ghosts more maybe.

[Selena Myers]

I think so. I think so. But men do a better job of making TV shows out of it, it seems the entertainment value.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems even movies like Ghostbusters turns out better when men Are in charge, dude.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Was the lady ghost. I didn't want to pile on. And I didn't end up even watching the lady Ghostbusters.

[Selena Myers]

I didn't see it. I didn't see it.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Selena Myers]

No, the original. I did.

[Adam Carolla]

You should watch all ghost movies.

[Selena Myers]

I'm just not a big remake person. I don't like how Hollywood's just remaking everything I'm over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yet you like Ghosts, which is the original remake. If you think about it, you were here.

[Selena Myers]

Technically, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you have the sequel.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is you.

[Selena Myers]

It's the unknown. It's interesting to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Are there more men or female Ghosts?

[Selena Myers]

Seems pretty 50. 50. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

50.

[Selena Myers]

50, in our experience. Seems like we got a bunch of, like, cool tech and stuff, too. If you just sit in a room and you just ask for a ghost to come, it's not going to come. So people make, like, interesting tech that you could potentially be talking to something, or it could just potentially be the tech that's just doing itself.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the science behind the tech?

[Chris Collins]

Depends on the piece. But there's certain things, you know, that it goes with the electricity in the air. If there's a shift, it'll read that electricity shift in the air. But some of them you can read up on it, and you're curious. But then there's things that are clear, like a cat ball. So you have to hit the cat ball to make it go off. Something around, it has to move more physical stuff.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Chris Collins]

So physical stuff is definitely our favorite.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you seen physical stuff move?

[Chris Collins]

Oh, we've seen things. We have video of. We have a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the best video you guys have?

[Selena Myers]

You think maybe the ball getting kicked down the stairs?

[Chris Collins]

Ball getting kicked down the stairs was really cool. I was really at a hotel.

[Selena Myers]

Really?

[Chris Collins]

There was your shirt at the school. Like, there's literally a clip, and she's just there, and her shirt just, like, gets pulled, which is really interesting.

[Selena Myers]

Tugged. And then there's a time where the. There's a girl that talked in front of us, but there's nobody there. It was really weird. I don't know. There's just a lot of stuff that happens, and most of the time we're like. We can debunk it easily. I'd say 99% of stuff. And there's some stuff where it's like. I don't really know how to explain that. So we just, you know, just kind of go with the flow while we're doing it. And it's also just fun to Be scared.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Selena Myers]

In really creepy places. Like we'll go to an asylum or like a prison or something. And just like, that's half the fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like people want to be roller coaster scared, though. On one hand you're scared. On the other hand, there's a steel lap bar that's holding you in. And so you're aware of where you are. And so that's an interesting concept. Like who's attracted to scary movies? And then why is that woven? Why is that part of our DNA?

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, it's controlled scares. Like you said, controlled scares.

[Chris Collins]

And there's funny ghosts. Like we went to trans. Was it Trans Allegheny? We went to an insane asylum and there were ghosts who liked boobs. So then here I am in a closet with my boobs out to see if I can get a reaction from the ghost. And while she. At the same time she's down an alleyway where like, apparently this horrific ghost is. And she's going through this one experience. It's terrifying. And then I'm over here flashing back to her.

[Selena Myers]

Showing your tits to the ghost.

[Chris Collins]

Like, my boobs?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have your boobs out? Oh, yeah.

[Selena Myers]

Not on camera or pg.

[Chris Collins]

I can't see the ghost's reaction, so I don't have to hear their criticism about my boobs. So they can see them all they want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't want to get critiqued by a ghost. No.

[Selena Myers]

They got nothing to lose.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Already dead.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

So are there who are like the biggest ghost celebrities out there? Cause every once in a while there was actually a. I think there was a show that was like celebrity ghost encounters or something like that.

[Chris Collins]

My ghost stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that it?

[Selena Myers]

Yep.

[Chris Collins]

And they took a lot of famous people who would then tell their ghost stories. And there were some really interesting ones. And a lot of of people that had experiences that were like.

[Selena Myers]

Who was one of those celebrities?

[Adam Carolla]

I can tell you, Kesha. Well, because Greg Fitzsimmons was just talking about Jeff Ross the comedian. And I believe Jeff Ross told a ghost story in that celebrity ghost stories thing. And he's a friend of mine, so that's why I kind of remember him. I didn't ran for six seasons. I didn't. I never saw it. But I do remember Jeff telling us ghost stories.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But now what about people have zero ghost stories like me? Is it just cause I'm from North Hollywood or am I just tuned out or like, what's going on?

[Selena Myers]

I think most people are skeptical, like My husband is. He's complete skeptic. Doesn't believe in it at all. Never seen a ghost. He tries to, like, taunt them and everything. And it's just like, that was funny.

[Chris Collins]

My husband was like that.

[Selena Myers]

My husband was.

[Chris Collins]

But he's not like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's turned the corner very much.

[Chris Collins]

He was very, like, even when we got together, we moved in, he's like, don't bring in your spookies. I don't believe. I'm not into it, but we've been together for 17 years, and he's. He's been around for parts of it, and. And he's just, like, probably as much of a believer as. As I am at this point, which is interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. Is that good? You don't want him to go too much past you.

[Chris Collins]

I don't like when he. I don't like when he gets freaked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Out because I need a grounder.

[Adam Carolla]

At some point, he quits his job and he customizes the van, and now it's all on.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop just where you are. Don't get too much past.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You need a leveler apartment.

[Selena Myers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Yeah. Someone's got to buy some groceries around here.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, you know the jingle. That's right. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road. That's why they're there. O'Reilly Auto Parts offers friendly, helpful service and the parts knowledge you need for all your maintenance and repairs. I love these guys. I use these guys. I was just up at the one on Foothill. I told you about that. La Canada. That's the one I went to recently. I called them. They picked up the phone. I asked them they had a device. They said, yes, we do. I said, well, then I'll come down and get it. I didn't even get a machine or outsource to India, so. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they are friendly. So stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us. Do it online. Visit us@o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam.

[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

So what do the husbands do?

[Selena Myers]

Mine is a content creator as well. He's in the YouTube space. Also a video game developer. We also own a candy company. We do a lot of things.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me about your candy.

[Selena Myers]

We make traditional licorice. Like we have our own factory. We made and we make it in like kettles and we do it in Texas where we live. And it's like sour licorice belt. And then we also have like little gummies as well. And then we have a lot of other products.

[Adam Carolla]

Is most licorice bullshit like big time licorice?

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. Twizzlers and stuff? Yeah, it's garbage. There is red 40 and crap, but we only have like five, six ingredients and it's all natural and it actually tastes like candy. Cause we do use sugar, but it's not like that fake sugar shit where you need to eat the whole bag and then you feel like shit after.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get. I never really got even as a young lad, the weird novelty candy stuff where it's like, well, this is an edible bel. Use it as a belt and then you bite off and then you can put it back on and it's rainbow color. And I'm like, just give me some fucking chocolate and some nuts and some nougat and some stuff. Something real, you know what I mean? And they're like, I like the Twizzlers. Just tastes like a synthesized processed, dyed number whatever.

[Selena Myers]

Red 40.

[Adam Carolla]

Essentially it's just gnawing on poison while you're watching a movie. It is what is enjoyable. I don't get it.

[Selena Myers]

It's not. It's not. And that's why we did it. That's why we own 100% of the company ourselves. Me and my husb and we. It's called Sour Boys on Sour gg. But it's. Yeah, it's doing really well and it's cool. We do all like the marketing for it ourselves.

[Adam Carolla]

And when did licorice stop tasting like licorice?

[Selena Myers]

Did it ever taste like licorice? Like the 1920s?

[Adam Carolla]

Cause licorice, you know, it's like sarsaparilla. It's a flavor.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. Black licorice. Yeah, the black licorice. We don't do the black licorice, but we do like naturally flavored. Like your raspberry or like strawberry or that kind of stuff. Yep. But we might go into like the normal kind. There's just not a huge market. There's like 80 year old women mostly that like that black licorice. So we don't.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah, they come out with four flavors like every month. And they're the bags. Like they do such cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I got a suggestion.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, please.

[Adam Carolla]

See, we're very cyclical as a society. So it's like nobody used to drink gin.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And nobody drank rye whiskey. They just drink vodka, everything. Vodka, vodka, vodka. Now gin and rye whiskey. And people are making old fashions, you know, and martinis and stuff like that. So we do this cyclical thing. And so if you go, well, no one, only old people eat old school licorice. The kids will get on to whatever was old and is now new to them.

[Selena Myers]

That's why we're bringing back the old way to make it so they're already liking that. So we're leaning now into we can make any flavor. Like we've done apple pie flavored licorice with natural flavors. Like it's really weird and cool and people like it.

[Adam Carolla]

How does one do this where you just go, we're gonna get kettles. We need.

[Selena Myers]

My husband is the most driven person in the world. He literally put all of the money he's made from content creation. He does like commentaries. Comedian as well. He's very funny. And he put it all into making a literal factory and all this equipment, all while getting scammed out of like a million dollars, which was a whole thing. But then he made that factory and then it's all direct to consumer and it's been doing incredibly well now. We've since made that money back, which is nice. But yeah, he's just extremely driven and he just wanted to make candy. And now he does that with video games. So that's really cool.

[Adam Carolla]

What with video games? Sorry.

[Selena Myers]

He did the same thing. He's made his own video game studio.

[Adam Carolla]

And so it is. You know, they always say, look, if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, that's that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's fucking lazy people. And the lazy people just go, how am I supposed to get ahead in this man's whatever? And I'm like, I don't just go out, do it, get going, just get going.

[Selena Myers]

That's what we did with the movie. We were just make a movie by ourselves because why not?

[Adam Carolla]

How many days was the shoot?

[Selena Myers]

We made the stupid challenge to do it in seven days.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's tough.

[Selena Myers]

Seven days. So we woke up in the morning, shot went all the way til like 2, 3am, woke up the next morning, edited what we had just shot the day before. And then rinse and repeat. So it was. I don't recommend it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it gets discussed a lot on this show, which is time.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your enemy when it comes to making movies.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And every time I talk to someone, I've shot a couple of movies. Maybe one in 20 days and maybe one in 17 days or something. But when you talk to people, they go, he shot this movie in 11 days. You go, oh, boy.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. Cause that's fucking work room to do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, it's sort of like, I guess it'd be like climbing Mount Everest. There's a version of it where you have a Sherpa and they carry all your shit. They cook you dinner, and it takes, you know, two months and. Fine. And then there's a version where you go, I did it in four days.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. We walked up naked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Barefoot.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Selena Myers]

No oxygen.

[Adam Carolla]

That. That's a different. That is a totally different challenge.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so you guys just went. I mean, ultimately, it's how everything works. Whether it's licorice or movies. You just go, just go, make our own movie. Yeah.

[Selena Myers]

Pretty much came up with the idea. Wrote, you know, kind of a beat sheet and some script. But mostly it was just. It was a lot of improv, which was really fun because we do that anyway. So that made it manageable. And then, yeah, we just mapped out our days, and we're like, hopefully, this works.

[Chris Collins]

We're gonna slam it.

[Selena Myers]

Not a lot of reshoot time. So, yeah, we had a really small.

[Chris Collins]

Team, which was awesome. Cause we all knew each other so well even before, and we just. We worked together, and we just banged it out. And I feel like not having too many cooks in the kitchen almost made it easier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Definitely. Yeah. It's very true.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you don't want too many cooks making the licorice.

[Chris Collins]

No, it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

You want one driven video game designer.

[Selena Myers]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

With a passion. Yeah, I know. And also, it's weird how fast time passes when you're taking care of shit. Like, you go from, like, someone ought to make some good licorice to opening the doors of a warehouse with tons of kettles making licorice. And you're like, how the fuck we get here?

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It just happens like that. And it was like 2021 when he had the idea, and then 2023, we launched. And now, you know, fast forward two years, and it's getting really big, which is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the other. The downside of passage of time is like when someone goes, I'm gonna write a book. And you go, didn't you tell me that 12 years ago? And they go, oh, yeah.

[Selena Myers]

She's written a lot of books.

[Chris Collins]

I wrote a book in four days once.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A movie in a week. You write a book in four days? Yeah.

[Chris Collins]

It's bestseller, too, which is crazy.

[Selena Myers]

It's a really good book.

[Adam Carolla]

How many pages is this book?

[Chris Collins]

It's a novella. It's about 70,000 words. So it's nothing huge, but it was best.

[Selena Myers]

Nothing huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, 70,000 words is a decent word count.

[Chris Collins]

It's decent. Yeah. It's about that thick. It's not huge.

[Adam Carolla]

70,000. I've written a few books, and I never knew anything about this, but when I started, the publisher was like, you know, between like, 75 and 90,000 words. And I'm like. Like, I need page numbers. I don't need Pages. Publishers.

[Selena Myers]

Like, 80,000 words, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but 70,000 words is 240 pages.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah, it's about that.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah. That's a book, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a book in four days.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah. My last one took a year.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not really listening.

[Selena Myers]

Me neither.

[Adam Carolla]

What's it on? Ghost.

[Selena Myers]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, I figured it was on. As you expect.

[Chris Collins]

The Haunting of Clandestine House.

[Selena Myers]

Which is.

[Chris Collins]

It was hilarious. But no, her and I were the same. We get an idea. We don't dilly dally. We're just like, we're gonna do the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Do the thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why not?

[Chris Collins]

Don't sit around.

[Selena Myers]

Why not? Life's short. Cause you could end up being a ghost any day.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't. I don't know. I feel like, as a ghost, I already feel like a time traveler who's come back to be annoyed.

[Selena Myers]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I just feel like I'm just here being pissed off. Everything's a nuisance, you know, like, turn right. You can turn. Yeah, turn right on a red. Go. Go. That's already. I don't want to come back for round two being annoyed.

[Selena Myers]

Absolutely. Yeah, I get that. I get that. You've probably lived a lot of lives. Yeah, maybe. What's your philosophy on that? Yeah, what do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't have a philosophy. I'm pretty atheist, and I'm just kind of like, you live, you die. It's a little, you know, philosophical, which is, I kind of realized as I was, when you get older, people in your world will die. And I did the math for all you people, but my mom died, my dad died. It's just like people. You go, oh, that guy died. That guy I was friends with has died. You know, and there's guys like Norm MacDonald that was friends with Norm. He's dead. You know, he's best. Right. But I started to kind of realize as I was kind of thinking about just people. My old manager died, people like that. I have him very clearly in my head. We all have Norm MacDonald in our head. I know who Norm MacDonald is. I can hear him. He's alive on the Internet, if you want to hear what he has to say. And I was like, oh, so you never really die as long as you're kept alive by the memory of people that you had an impact on?

[Selena Myers]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

It could be negative.

[Selena Myers]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You could have fucking molested your granddaughter or something. You'll be alive. You'll be alive in her head long after you're gone in a bad way, you know? So then I kind of realized that it's kind of the impression. You can have an afterlife by making impressions in people's heads. And then you can decide whether they're gonna be good impressions or bad impressions. Cause they don't have to be good.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And there it is. I mean, historically, Timothy McVeigh blew up the Oklahoma City Federal Building. I know who that guy is. I don't wanna know, but I do. And there's a lot of that. And then there's loving, kind gestures and people that made you laugh and people. You really go, man, I miss that guy.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, Absol.

[Adam Carolla]

But you picture them in your head very clearly, you know? And for that reason, I don't need to come back and haunt.

[Selena Myers]

That's fair.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just like, look, I'll make an impression. Probably negative. Just keep it in your head. Now I'm gonna die, and if you want to think of me, just close your eyes.

[Chris Collins]

There's no one you want to haunt, though. There's no one where you're like, yeah, I want to come back. I want to mess with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I fuck with Kevin Smith. He jacked me out of 500 grand on a TV pilot.

[Selena Myers]

Okay, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Other.

[Selena Myers]

Other than that, stick around for a couple days.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. Trying to think. Yeah. Who would I haunt?

[Selena Myers]

We think about this a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we do think about this a lot.

[Selena Myers]

Oh, I have a list.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a list?

[Chris Collins]

It's irrelevant. Well, you don't know them. You don't know them, but they're around.

[Selena Myers]

People who have wronged her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris Collins]

High school.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a few just like that.

[Selena Myers]

Just pieces of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You Know, high school's weird. I mean, I was kind of a jock and I was fine and I didn't get fucked with. But I give everyone in high school pass because it's like everyone's young and still.

[Selena Myers]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know anything. Kind of just. They're just like, dumb and they mellow out when you meet them later. And they're just. They're different people. And I think about dumb shit I did, and it's like, I don't know. And also like, fucking young girls are evil when they're 16. Like, they're fucking evil.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Chris Collins]

The one I would lit me on fire and trapped me in a bathroom stall.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I'm gonna haunt her.

[Selena Myers]

So she's gotta light her up.

[Chris Collins]

She's the only one, I don't know, chosen.

[Selena Myers]

She.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even think she's like, did.

[Selena Myers]

She light a match or. Oh.

[Chris Collins]

So what they did was they were lighting toilet paper and dropped it over the side of the stall.

[Adam Carolla]

I can see myself doing that.

[Chris Collins]

You wanna know the crazy thing, though? She came back two years ago was like, will you come to my 13 year old's birthday party?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Selena Myers]

Hey, how about no?

[Chris Collins]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All the people had done you wrong.

[Chris Collins]

There's not many.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But they. It's weird. They always kind of pretend like they never. Like it never happened. Come on.

[Selena Myers]

I shoved you. It's like. Yeah. Off a cliff.

[Adam Carolla]

Piece of shit. Damn burning toilet paper in my hair.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, but it's, you know, forgive and forget. It's philosophy. You want to be remembered as kind, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so we'll haunt that bitch.

[Selena Myers]

Yep.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah, that's it.

[Selena Myers]

Y.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it.

[Chris Collins]

I just. I. I would just want to die.

[Adam Carolla]

And go find my dog before you. How. I'll honor.

[Chris Collins]

Do you want to come haunt me?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'll haunt her.

[Selena Myers]

Oh. Oh, sick.

[Chris Collins]

Oh, her. Perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

But I kind of need, like an address. I'll be gone. I'm. I'm quite a few years older than you, so probably be gone before you. And then I can get head start on the haunted.

[Selena Myers]

Thank you.

[Chris Collins]

And then I'll.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll catch up because she's your Right.

[Selena Myers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And she could be into supplements and fitness. She's not.

[Chris Collins]

You know, she might go first.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying if she goes before you, then you're not gonna be able to haunt her. Yeah.

[Selena Myers]

Oh, true.

[Adam Carolla]

But if she's. How old is she?

[Chris Collins]

She would be early 30s.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'll go before her.

[Chris Collins]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Off the air. Give me Your address.

[Selena Myers]

Okay, perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

Or just. I need a shot of a roof. Yeah, you could probably just. I don't know how this works.

[Selena Myers]

We'll give you a lock of her hair or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think ways is gonna work. I think I'm going in through the chimney, right?

[Selena Myers]

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of the same thing maybe. Or like a. More like a Kool Aid. Man.

[Adam Carolla]

Just give me the style of shingle on her roof. Is it an Asphalt 3 tab Presidential? Is it a shake roof? Anyway, Santa Claus are in there.

[Selena Myers]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll hit her up.

[Selena Myers]

It's good.

[Adam Carolla]

I give her the burning toilet paper thing.

[Chris Collins]

Just in the sleep she makes burning cottages.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll wait till she goes to the bathroom.

[Chris Collins]

Yeah, perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'll go into the shower stall.

[Selena Myers]

Okay, perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll light the toilet paper and I'll hang my hand over the shower stall and drop it down under her and the toilet. She'll totally freak out.

[Selena Myers]

She'll freak out.

[Chris Collins]

Perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

Flashback. It's gonna take her a minute to like put it together.

[Selena Myers]

It'll be like a week later. Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good. Any should do anything else?

[Chris Collins]

No, I think that's it. I think that's it just lit you on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

That's enough.

[Chris Collins]

Lit me on fire? Yeah, backcountry, Canada. That's how they do it back there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Selena Myers]

We don't have guns up there, so we just light each other on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're both Canadians, right?

[Selena Myers]

I'm from Canada, but I moved to Texas. I'm in Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. All right, well, let's give a plug let's give a plug to the movie the house on Eden. It'll be in theaters. Theaters and there other platforms we can find it.

[Selena Myers]

It'll be in theaters July 25th and then it'll be on shutter, I think around in the fall. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yep. I'm ambitious. You two come back anytime.

[Selena Myers]

Hey, thank you. Thank you for having us.

[Adam Carolla]

Bring some licorice.

[Selena Myers]

I'll bring some licorice. I'll throw you in a video game. We'll put you in a movie.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll do whatever you want. Kick the old school licorice around with that hubby of yours. Give my gin analogy. It's coming back.

[Selena Myers]

Okay, sounds good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're ready.

[Selena Myers]

Sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris, Selena. Thank you guys for coming out tonight. I want to thank today, I should say Fitz dog for coming in. I'm gonna be in Irvine tonight doing a live show with Jay Moore. And then coming up covina Laugh Factory doing a couple shows Friday, a couple shows Saturday. So till next time. Zan for Chris and Selena, Fitz Dog and Dawson Sayin Vahala Pick up your.

[Mike Dawson]

Phone and leave us a voicemail. It is 863-41744. Get tickets to see the Ace man tonight at [e-mail].

[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

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