Greg Fitzsimmons Explains Hollywood Math, Bad Podcasts & Comedy Myths

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show – January 22, 2026

Episode: Greg Fitzsimmons Explains Hollywood Math, Bad Podcasts & Comedy Myths

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Main Theme / Purpose

This episode features comedian Greg Fitzsimmons (“Fitzdog”) joining Adam Carolla for a freewheeling discussion about life on the road as a comic, oddballs in the comedy world, “Hollywood math” behind popular podcasts, the changing nature of celebrity media, comedy myths, and generational disconnects. They riff on everything from green room horror stories to OnlyFans visas to celebrity family drama, with characteristic unapologetic humor and insight. Greg and Adam also reflect on nostalgia, authenticity in comedy, and the oddities of American culture, all wrapped in true Carolla Show style with unsparing candor and plenty of outrageous rants.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Comedian’s Life: Touring Tales and Tough Crowds

• Multiple Shows & Stand-Up Conditioning:

  • Greg details the grind of doing several shows in one night—“Three shows on a Saturday! The second was packed, but the first and third could’ve fit in one” (02:49).
  • Reflects on the challenge of regaining energy after “bad” late shows and how adversity on stage sharpens comics: “I was a stronger comic… I had just run with weights on. You need those.” (04:18)

• Dealing with Bad Audiences:

  • Greg recounts a confrontation with spoiled, disruptive young patrons at a club, highlighting the unique skills live comics need to survive:
    “I finally went, ‘Hey, I can’t do this with the comedy black hole in the front row here. What the fuck is up with you people?’” (04:27)
  • Both note that shows with adversity are crucial for a comedian’s growth.

• Comedy Venues’ Hallmarks:

  • Adam distinguishes between “dedicated comedy clubs” and re-purposed general venues: “…buildings where they could have sold flooring last month, but now it’s a comedy club.” (06:10)

2. Nostalgia for Old School Comedy

• The George Burns Parable:

  • Adam shares a long anecdote about discussing George Burns—classic comedian and entertainer—but younger media people and even his own son didn’t know the name.
    • Memorable moment: Discovering a random Colorado club decorated throughout with images of George Burns on the night of what turns out to be Burns’ birthday—a comic cosmic coincidence.
      “We talk about George Burns… then a few hours later, we go in this club and there’s George Burns everywhere. Don’t you think that’s a bizarre coincidence, Mike?” (12:09)

• Showbiz Generational Disconnects:

  • The crew reflects on how cultural touchstones go forgotten with time.
  • Adam: “One of my favorite parts of life is when people don’t know something they should know that’s sort of right in front of their face.” (05:26)

3. Patterns, Literalism, and the Mike August Effect

• Comedy Math Debates:

  • Adam lovingly roasts his producer, Mike August, for lacking pattern recognition but being stubbornly literal.
  • Example: Mike misreading a menu and asking for a “BLT” that wasn’t available, then wondering why it didn’t include ham, turkey, or cheese.
    “Mike took the comedy club sandwich because it had the ingredients—bacon, lettuce, and tomato—and made it a BLT… The waiter made him a BLT and brought it back. Then Mike wants to know where the beef and the ham and the cheese is… He could have simply just given the name of the sandwich.” (27:44)

• Pattern Recognition vs. Literal Thinking:

  • Adam explains:
    “I haven’t touched a menu, but I know there’s no BLT because we’ve been to 2000 clubs and there’s never been a BLT. It’s a pattern thing with me.” (29:08)

4. “Hollywood Math” and the Celebrity Podcast Gold Rush

• Podcast Success Secret—It’s the Rolodex, Stupid:

  • Adam dissects how big money Hollywood podcasts are less about “good radio” or comedy and more about safe, soft interviews and leveraging guest lists.

    “There’s a math that Hollywood… figured out. I have a Rolodex of celebrity friends that’s endless… Get these incredible guests and then you have comfortable conversations with them… But you’re really getting paid from your Rolodex.” (54:27)

  • Greg adds:

    “The business is based on big names now. Movies, TV, podcasts, ads… it’s very safe, very expected. There’s no curveballs, no hard-hitting questions.” (55:41)

  • Adam laments the loss of “tough” or authentic conversations on bigger podcasts and mainstream media:

    “It’s not like Joe Rogan, where you gotta talk to a guy for three hours who claims thermodynamics proves the moon landing is fake…” (54:56)

5. Comedy’s Honest Test & Self-Destruction

• The Brutal Truth of Stand-Up:

  • Greg:

    “The audience doesn’t care about your lead… Even if you’re not making them laugh, they’ll stop coming… It actually is a very honest medium.” (58:32)

  • Adam swipes at the ‘instant karma’ of bombing:

    “You go from best basketball player to ‘this guy sucks’… Anyone can do it. And that’s how we are as an audience.” (59:53)

• Arena Acts & Playing It Safe:

  • Both roast the tendency of big acts or movies to become too safe and milquetoast—“protecting the lead” rather than taking risks:

    “Not wanting to get canceled is a sort of ‘protect the lead’—and the game gets a little boring.” (57:09)

6. American Upbringing, Poverty, and Eating Habits

• Dogs Now Live and Eat Better than Adam’s Childhood:

  “Dogs eat better than I ate as a child… their owners put more money and effort into nutrition and beds than my parents did.” (32:30)

• Gluck Night at Home:

  • Greg’s classic: “Gluck is ground beef in butter on a pan, then placed on a buttered piece of Wonder bread.” (33:43)

• Welfare, Food Deserts, and Self-Reliance Rant:

  • Adam rails against government dependency and the “poverty” argument about food security:

    “It’s not the government’s job… Let the fucking people figure it out… If milk is too exotic and too expensive for you as a family, the kids are going to a fucking home.” (91:07)

7. Culture, Cancelation, and Outrage

• Celebrity Cancel Culture:

  • The idea for a tongue-in-cheek pay-per-view event—“Night of Deplorables”—featuring canceled figures like Bill Cosby and Jared from Subway, with real unscripted questions. (42:41)

• Old School Gay and Fat Jokes:

  • Adam:

    “It was back when if you were gay or black or fat… we could just make derogatory comments loosely based on you being gay, black, or fat.” (49:52)

8. OnlyFans, Visas, and the Fame Economy

• Visas for “Extraordinary Ability” Go to OnlyFans Creators:
  • Increasing numbers of O-1B visas are awarded to adult content creators and online influencers, sparking observation on American values and the changing nature of “talent.” (72:20)
• Comedians, Washed-Up Actors, and Second Acts:
  • Reflections on B-list TV stars moving into porn or stand-up, and why stand-up is sometimes the more “depressing” fallback.

9. Celebrity Family Drama and Wealth

• Brooklyn Beckham & The Family Feud:
  • Adam and Andrew riff on the public spat between Brooklyn Beckham and his famous parents, referencing celebrity inheritance strategies and riffs about “spoiled spice.” (99:18)
  • Adam’s satirical “children of the stars” inheritance plan: “You got to fuck up one of your brothers and sisters… you got a 33% bump in your inheritance.” (102:43)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Comedy Grit

  “I was feeling like I was a stronger comic… I had just run with weights on, and the next gig’s gonna be a piece of cake. And you need those.”
  – Greg Fitzsimmons, 04:18

• On the “Mike August Effect”

  “You took a sandwich, called it something else, and then they accommodated you… but you could just say the name of the sandwich.”
  – Adam Carolla, 27:47

• On Modern Podcast Celebrity Culture

  “It’s really the Rolodex that’s getting $100 million.”
  – Adam Carolla, 54:51

• On Cancel Culture and Safe Artistry

  “Not wanting to get canceled is a sort of protect-the-lead… and the game gets a little boring.”
  – Adam Carolla, 57:09

• On Stand-Up’s Brutal Meritocracy

  “At the end of the day, the audience doesn’t give a shit about your lead… If you’re not making them laugh… they stop coming.”
  – Greg Fitzsimmons, 58:32

• On American Upbringings & Food

  “Dogs eat better than I ate as a child… and they have better beds.”
  – Adam Carolla, 32:30

• On “Food Deserts” & Welfare

  “It’s not a price thing. It isn’t… Let the fucking people figure it out. And the kids are all fucking fat anyway, so whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.”
  – Adam Carolla, 83:56

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment / Topic | Speaker(s) | |-------------|-----------------------------------------------|--------------------| | 02:00–04:45 | Life on the road, tough comedy shows | Greg, Adam | | 05:15–13:10 | George Burns generational disconnect, coincidence | Adam, Greg | | 27:44–29:08 | The Mike August "BLT" menu debacle | Adam, Greg | | 54:27–56:00 | "Hollywood math" behind major podcasts | Adam, Greg | | 58:32–60:19 | Comedy honesty—big names still bomb | Greg, Adam | | 72:20–78:13 | OnlyFans visas & washed-up actors in stand-up | Andrew, Adam, Greg | | 99:18–107:00| Brooklyn Beckham family drama & inheritance | Andrew, Adam | | 91:07–93:02 | Adam’s welfare & milk rant | Adam | | 49:52–51:54 | Old school “offensive” comedy: jokes on roasts | Adam, Greg |

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Tone and Style

The discussion is frank, irreverent, and peppered with personal anecdotes, observational rants, and comic roasts. Adam and Greg keep the tone conversational and self-aware; they blend humor with moments of real (if sometimes harsh) social commentary. They also illustrate points with vivid stories from their own showbiz and personal experiences, sometimes circling back for running jokes.

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Summary

For listeners, this episode delivers a vivid behind-the-curtain look at the trade-offs and myths of comedic success, the oddball ways un-reflective people navigate life, how podcasting’s big bucks are often just about connections, and how both showbiz and American culture keep recycling the same mistakes. It’s also packed with quick-witted tangents—from food middle-class nostalgia to pop star stockpiling—sure to amuse longtime fans and interested newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, Fitz Dog, Greg Fitzsimmons is back. Always a good hang. And Rudy's got the news. And we'll do all that right after this.

[Dawson]

Adam's on the east coast at the end of this month. Don't miss shows in New York City at Rodney's Thursday, January 29, 7pm with Anthony Scaramucci and 9:30 with the Ace man and special guests. Then he joins Megyn Kelly in Chester, New York at the Sugarloaf Performing Arts center on Friday, January 30th and on Saturday, January 31st, two shows at the Trump Kennedy center in Washington, D.C. tickets for all these shows and more information always [e-mail]. From Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla show. Adam's guest today, Craig Fitzsimmons and the.

[Adam Carolla]

News with Rudy Povich.

[Dawson]

And now, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on, got to get it on the shows. We get them in the mandate. You get it on Fitz Dog. Back in studio. Got dates coming off of dates, Life on the road. Atlanta, three shows Saturday night. Yeah, I gotta tell you, I was just telling all these guys I did a bunch of dates in Colorado and did a bunch of traveling and just tons of stuff and tons of dates and tons of stuff and then went to Pacific Northwest and did two theater shows, one Friday, one Saturday. And I go it's so unbelievably easy to do that once you've done the multiple shows with all, especially when the club's an hour this way and an hour back and then the next night an hour the other way or they added a third show in Naples or whatever that one theater show. So, so easy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's too easy.

[Adam Carolla]

I like too easy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The thing is, is I did, you know, usually when I go out, I do one show Thursday to Friday to Saturday. And obviously the Friday night late show is always gonna be a beast. You don't know what you're gonna. You could get a hot crowd, but more often you get people that Woke up at 6am they went to work, they got out of work, they had a couple beers, they went to dinner, they and a couple more beers and then they get to the club and the club goes two drink minimum. You have to drink two more and you're the last one on. So now it's midnight. But what they did in Atlanta is they do three shows on a Saturday night.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do they do that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. Because to be honest, second show was packed, sold out. First show and third show could have fit them into one show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I get adding a show if the first two shows sell out. But the three show, just because that's the way we do it. No other club does that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And I love the club. It's been around forever. It's legendary. And the people there are amazing. But I got halfway through the third set, and I started a joke, and I go, did I do this? And I did not know. And they had to answer me. And also the third show, I see this big monster SUV pull up, and these six people in their 20s come in, and they order champagne. And if you're in your 20s and you're ordering champagne, first of all, what kind of champagne are you getting at the punchline?

[Adam Carolla]

Something with either a cap or a plastic cord.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yes. And so they proceed to reflect upon each one of my jokes amongst themselves. And there's only 50 people in the crowd, and there's six of them, and they are in the front row, and they are the most spoiled little yuppie. Douchebags. And I got to where I just very gently said, can you guys please stop talking? It's kind of distracting to people on the show. And I couldn't have been nicer. And then they all got these little pissy looks on their face, arms crossed. The dudes were, like, staring me down. And so I ignored them for, like, 15, 20 minutes. And then I finally went, hey, I can't do this with the comedy black hole in the front row here. What the fuck is up with you people? I go, I wasn't rude to you. And then they said, well, you told us not to say any. I go, I didn't say don't smile.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so now I get into it with them for, like, a good 10 minutes. We are breaking down between us. We're negotiating what their mood is gonna be. And then I did some, and then it broke out of it. And it's like, I realized, like, at the end of that show, after doing three shows on a Saturday, I was on the plane home the next morning feeling like I was a stronger comic that I had just been. I had just run with weights on, and the next gig is gonna be a piece of cake. And you need those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it's all good. You do feel a lot sharper when you pile on a bunch of shows and do things that are different and all that. I completely agree. Oh, you know, it's a funny, funny Mike August. Cause Mike August stories from the road are always the best, you know? And one of my Favorite parts of life is when people don't know something that they should know that's sort of right in front of their face. Like, once in a while, you'll run into some girl and her name is Sarah, and you'll go, oh, like hall of Notes, Sarah's smile, right? They go, what? And I go, come on, that's songs your name. And they go, yeah, I don't know. And I go, hold on a second. There's no way your dad didn't sing that to you when you were a little kid or you had an uncle that said something, or someone took you to a Hall Notes concert. It's like, I've never heard that song. I don't know what you're talking. And I'm like, I'm very interested in those people, so you can look it up. Andrew. It's popped in my head, but one of the clubs in whatever Colorado was loonies. And Loonies is. It's more of one of those freestanding metal buildings that they advertise on Fox, where you store farm equipment, but they put carpet squares down and chairs. You know what I mean? And, like, you know, look, Fitz dog, I'll tell you, there are two kinds of places. Well, there's a bunch of places, but there's two kinds of clubs. There's dedicated comedy clubs, and then there's just buildings where they could have sold flooring last month, but now it's a comedy club. But that's where they just put a stage and a microphone in a backdrop. But the thing that was funny about Loon and Loon's was fun. I mean, again, it was like the Green room. I mean, the furniture in the Green room is the worst I've ever seen. And anyone who travels and does clubs and has been to green rooms knows that's a real statement. Like, right there. That means a lot. So loonies. So we are. I'm doing press before I go into loonies. And the guy, he's like a younger guy. And I think he said, like, give me the name of a comedian who you've tutored or mentored or you made a big impact on or something like that. And I said, george Burns. And he just looked at me blank, like he had no idea who George Burns was. And I was like, you made a big impact on George Burns. I think he kind of followed my footsteps. And the guy was like 31, and he was just sort of looking at me the whole time. And I said, yeah, I think if you. I mean, he's not around anymore. But if you'd talk to George Burns, he'd tell you that Adam Carolla was kind of his mentor. And he just kept looking at me. And then Mike and I, when we're done with the interview, did 20 minutes on these goddamn kids don't know who George Burns is. And now the guy was he. Oh, God. I was trying to. I was thinking what the connection was. He was in. Oh, I know what it is. I said, the guy played God and. Oh, God. And that movie starred a guy by the name of John Denver. And we're in Denver right now. And you don't know. I made some weird connect the dots. But I got outraged. So then later on, Mike and I went to Red Rocks and we walked around for an hour, and I said, that guy. I never heard of George Burns. And then we realized that's how show business is. And then my son was with us, and my son said, yeah, who? George Burns. Oh, old timer. We were laughing. Cause I said, it's back when you would tell jokes, but you also had to sing even though George Burns, Right. So George Burns would go tell a couple of jokes while he was smoking a cigar in a tuxedo. And he'd be 89. And then he'd go, won't you be my melancholy baby Sound about as good as I did. And then the piano would tinkle, and he'd put his hands out and he'd do a little weird step where he'd.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, step, step, step.

[Adam Carolla]

And then people would be like, oh, that's amazing. And it's like, well, I don't know what he's doing. He can't sing. He can't dance. He should just tell jokes. And then Mike said, well, they were entertainers back then. They had Bob Hope. They all had to sing. They all had to do lesothofshu. So we do 20 minutes on George Burns. Then at some point, we get in the car and we drive to Looney's, an hour away. And as we're walking into Looney's, on the sign is a giant caricature of George Burns. If you look at the outside of Looney's, you'll see a giant George Burns. Now, you don't see that in any other comedy. And by the way, you can find me pictures of the outside at night. When I find me pictures of the inside, we go to every club in America. There is no George Burns. But at Looney's, later on that night, after our long day of discussing George Burns, we go to a random Club in deep Colorado. I mean, it is an hour out of Denver. And you go in there and there is George Burns on the marquee, essentially on the sign. And then when you walk in, if you show the Loonies bar, behind the bar is a giant George Burns. And then everybody in the staff is wearing a George Burns loonies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? And literally every poster, every poster behind the bar, it's 9 foot by 11 foot. The bars in front or lobby or whatever, it's all George Barnes. Okay? So then after the shows, we get back to the. To the comedy condo outside of Denver. And I say to August, isn't that crazy? We never talk about George Burns. But for some odd reason, we get on the subject of George Burns, my son's sitting there, I go, we talk about George Burns. Then we could do a deep dive on George Burns. And then a few hours later, we go in this club and there's George Burns is everywhere. Don't you think that's a bizarre coincidence, Mike? And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, mike, there's a huge picture of George Byrne. I didn't see anything. I go, no. But then you walk in and there's another giant. I didn't see anything, Mike. Everyone's wearing a T shirt with George Byrne. I don't know what you mean. I didn't see anything. The menus have George birds on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You ordered.

[Adam Carolla]

You ordered off the menu. I don't know what you're talking about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought, wow, what's going through his head this whole time?

[Adam Carolla]

I would say sawdust, maybe some cotton candy mixed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just a mouse on a wheel running.

[Adam Carolla]

So then you know what everyone has to do when there's a coincidence they don't. They don't appreciate or get. They have to then not appreciate it. So then we're going to the club the next night. And I go, okay, now, Mike, you walk in, find that bar picture, find me a bar picture. None, not out there. I said, you walk in, there's a giant lit up picture of George Burns. There's a mural inside of George Burns. And then we walk in, I go, look at it, it's George Burns. He goes, yeah, okay, because he didn't get it the first time. We gotta tamp it down. Right, right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, George Burns and Gracie Allen, they had a comedy team that was like the comedy team of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the inside of Loon. It's all George Burns anyway. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Gracie Allen, who played the ditzy. This is the role that females had to play back then. She had to play the dummy. Say, goodnight, Gracie.

[Adam Carolla]

Goodnight, Gracie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But she was completely the brains of the operation, really. We'll talk about it later. She wrote the material, she strategized their career, everything interesting. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He must have outlived her because he outlived everyone. And then also the big. The thing when we were a simpler society and things were just sort of easier and we got more pleasure out of nothing. I remember as a kid, the big thing with George Burns is he's booked at Caesar's on his hundredth birthday. And that was so quaint and so cool. And like, I remember being 11 going, that's cool. That's. Cause he's booked now. We don't know if he's gonna make it because he's 91, but he's on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His 100th birthday nine years early, or.

[Adam Carolla]

Could have been 15 years. But the whole thing with George Burns, or maybe he was. Maybe it was 95 at the time. But the whole thing is you on your hundredth birthday are going to be booked at Caesars in Las Vegas. And that was like Johnny Carson. You know, people like, that's a good story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It was like building up to Evel Knievel's jumps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, a year in advance. He's gonna jump to Snake River Canyon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But that's assuming, first of all, that Caesar's is gonna be in business. And it's also assuming it's not gonna be a dump on the Strip in 15 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, did George Burns make it to 100? If he didn't make it to 100, he made it to 99 and a half. And did he make it to that date on Caesar's at Caesar's palace at 100, which would have been in 1989 or something weird like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm gonna announce right now that on my 16 birthday, I will be in Irvine at the Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to be at Looney's on my 85th birthday, explaining to Mike who that is up on the wall. He made it to 100. His birthday. He made it to 100, but he didn't make it past 100. Or you can say he's 103 or something. I'll do the made it math.

[Andrew]

No, he just made it to 100.

[Adam Carolla]

Just 109.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam. Another weird little magnet moment. Today is his birthday. No. Tell Mike. So Mike and go. Yeah, okay. Anyway, wow. Today can't be his birthday. It can't. Listen to me, Fitz dog, listen to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We should be smoking cigars right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen to me. I have a list here of shit I want to talk about. But this isn't on it. No, you were just talking about playing club. I got a bunch of clips and junk and people I want to make fun of. But this is not a talking point. Before the show, when you're talking about doing shows and being a road dog and coming off the road in theaters and whatever. I just went, oh, yeah, yeah, road, yeah, I've been on the road. And then Looney's popped up. And then Mike popped up. Today is George Burns his birthday. His birthday. That's insane. That's weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is nuts. That is really nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, by the way, you can go, well, you just got off the road. No, this is two and a half weeks ago. I hadn't talked about this. I didn't come from Colorado. I came from Oregon last week. Those were the theater shows. This is back to that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Today's his birthday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

So he never got to Caesar's on his hundredth. Cause he died on his hundredth or around. He was 100 when he died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did they refund the tickets or do you lose that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. We should check. We should check into that.

[Rudy Povich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'll give you one more. I'll give you a Mike August in a, in a nutshell. Because I like, I like stories that encapsulate people where you go, I know exactly who he is from this story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, Mike is your whole whack pack.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he's all of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need more than Mike. No, he's a Swiss army knife of whack pack. You don't need five different guys, one mic. It's like a Swiss army knife. So it reminded me. Let's see. Did George Burns play caesars on his 100th birthday? Did George Burns play. No, George Burns did not perform at Caesar's palace on his 100th birthday. While he had long been booked to play a series of sold out shows at Caesar's palace for his 100th birthday, January 1996 or today's date, 1996, he was forced to cancel the arrangement because of frail health. I wanna sit down with my kids and I wanna go. Let me explain life. This is life. Everyone loves it. He's booked to play a series. It's sold out. He's gonna do it on his 100th birthday. This is amazing. Uh oh, he's 100. He's frail and sick. Oh, he's dead. Yeah. That's life. It's got a lot of promise, but then a lot of canceled bookings and death.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like almost every show that I. My agent will always call me and be like, hey, do you want to do this gig in Fresno? And you always go, fresno, I could drive. I can be home, probably a lot of cool people. And then you show up at Fresno and you're just like, what did I get myself into? It's almost always not what you thought it was gonna be. And I never do anything during the day. I don't know if you're out. It sounds like you walked red rocks, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when you're on the road with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The jet lag and the shit and trying to get back to email, I go, airport, hotel, club, hotel, airport.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oftentimes I don't do anything. I went to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Last weekend. And that was. I mean, if you've never been there, people go to Cleveland. Cleveland's a fun city. And it's got this hall of Fame that always has a new installation. So this one was SNL. Every musical fucking outfit. Instrument from SNL's history. And then they've got these big screen TVs with a few sets of headphones on each one. And you can dial up any performance in 50 years of Saturday Night Live.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So of course I pull up. First one I pull up is what?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the most famous musical performance on SNL?

[Adam Carolla]

Sinead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sinead O'.

[Adam Carolla]

Connor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1992.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I wasn't thinking of it as a musical performance. I was thinking as just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I go to that, and they've got it blocked out. It's not in it.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Andrew]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then I go to 1990 and I'm a Sinead O' Connor fanatic. She's just the greatest female singer of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she kill herself recently?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She didn't kill herself. I thought she did also because when she first died, she had been depressed. I think she may have attempted suicide prior to that.

[Adam Carolla]

Did son kill himself?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Son killed himself. And so she ended up dying. I think it was coronary or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But anyway, so I'm standing there and there's a 1990 performance that she did, which was her first time on.

[Adam Carolla]

I do wanna say this quickly. If you're gonna be depressed your entire life and then you die in your 50s, people just gonna default to suicide. Like, they just go, oh, she killed herself. When Dick Van Dyke dies. No one's gonna go, oh, he killed himself. Cause he's too happy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's a little bit like George Burns 100th birthday. Caesars killed him. You're expecting something from this person.

[Adam Carolla]

So Sinead died of chronic O. COPD sorry, go ahead. So performance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So 1990, she comes out and I'd never seen her, nobody had seen her. And she comes out with a shaved head and these delicate feet, the most beautiful face. But then the shaved head makes her look kind of tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the camera, she sings this song called this Is the Last Day of Our Acquaintance. It's a slow building breakup song with anger underneath it. And the camera just keeps coming in tighter and tighter and tighter on these beautiful brown eyes. And then as they're doing it, this 14 year old girl in like a Taylor Swift T shirt comes by and she looks at the screen and she's like, what's that? So she grabs the other set of headphones and puts them on and she just starts building. And it gets to where it's just her on an acoustic guitar, just strumming this acoustic guitar. And then it builds and it builds to where the song can't contain this as a solo anymore. And then the drums kick in and the band and it just boom. And I see this girl, jaw drop. And she's looking at it and I've got tears in my eyes. And the mother is tapping her on the shoulder and trying to pull her, like to go to the next exhibit. The girl is not. She's not looking away.

[Adam Carolla]

And then now is the performance from snl.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay, it's on stage at snl.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she just walked away and I was just like, yeah, that chick.

[Adam Carolla]

But that wasn't before she did the Pope rip.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was before the Pope rip.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it was before, but the second song was the Pope rip.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I believe so. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's got a song called the Emperor's New Clothes, which is good too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, she's great.

[Adam Carolla]

She's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, Andrew. It just struck me just because I have to get to the essence of Mike. The menu at Looney's, the menu, it's limited, but the menu. If there's a picture of the menu with the sandwiches on there. Because I'll give you Mike and then I'll give you me too. In terms of. I get fooled a lot because I'm sort of a literalist. Like, when people talk about things, I believe them, but lots of times I go, that doesn't make sense. Why would somebody do that? And they go, well, that's what happened. And then it turns out it didn't happen. But I usually question it a lot. So we get the loonies in the shadow of George Burns, which Mike is not noticing. And Mike goes to the menu, and he's going to order sandwich, right? So Mike's looking at the menu, and I'm not looking at the menu. I don't. I'm not a. I don't like to eat before I go out on stage. I just don't. Like. When I was. Since I was a kid, when I ate, I like to lie down, like. And when I go to my grandfather's house and eat Hungarian food as a kid, it was sort of a running joke. But I would eat neat, and then I would lay down, like, under the table. And they would continue with their evening. And I'd just be laying there because I tend to want to lay down. All right, so there's a sandwich. I think it's the club. It's a club. There's pictures of George Burns on the menu. There's multiple pictures. Mike is looking at a sandwich under a picture of George Burns, but there's a sandwich. There's a club sandwich, I think, or comedy club. All right, now enlarge that if you can, and I'll tell you. So Mike's looking at the menu, right? And I'm staying around. And Mike goes, well, I'm gonna get a sandwich. And I go, oh, okay. And then he goes, little bigger if you can. I don't know if I can't read it from here. So then Mike goes, I haven't seen the menu. I'm not looking at the menu. So Mike goes, I'm gonna get the blt. And I said, blt? That's a weird club. Sandwich. Clubs have burgers, and occasionally they'll have, like, a chicken sandwich or something like that. But they don't do BLTs. No, I've never seen a BLT. But Mike's holding the menu. He goes, I'll get a blt. And then he goes, yeah, this blt, it's turkey, roast beef, ham, cheese, tomato, lettuce, bacon lettuce, tomatoes. And I go, that's not blt, Mike. And he goes, yeah, it's a blt. It's a bacon, lettuce, tomato. So I go, they're putting beef on your blt. He goes, yeah, well, that's the way they do it. I go, I've never heard of a club selling a BLT sandwich. But I've also never heard of roast beef on a blt. Now I'm not looking at it. And then the sandwich shows up and it's bacon, lettuce, tomato, and bread. There's nothing. Just. It's a blt. And Mike gets the sandwich. And Mike goes, there's no turkey or beef or anything on this. The menu said it had turkey and cheese and beef on it. I said, well, but that's a blt. He goes, yeah, well, yeah, but it said had turkey and beef on it. I go, well, I don't know. They just made you a blt. Yeah, but the. But on the menu it said it had. I go, that's weird. It's weird that they had a blt. And then it's weird that it had beef on it. And then it's weird that they gave you a BLT from. They just gave you what you order on the menu, but they didn't put any beef on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So then I go, well, let me see, what is this blt? So I pick up the menu. Well, the BLT Mike calls the BLT is called a comedy club. It's a triple decker turkey, roast beef, bacon, ham, cheese. Now here's where it gets it. It says bacon, and then it says bacon, and then it says tomato, lettuce, mayo. So then Mike puts it down and goes, it's a blt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's not a blt. But then Mike ordered a blt, because Mike took the comedy club sandwich because it had the ingredients. It had bacon, lettuce, and tomato on it. He made it a blt. And then when the waiter came by, he went, give me the blt. And the waiter went, all right, we can try that. And then the waiter made him a BLT and brought it back. And then Mike wants to know where the beef and the ham and the cheese is, because that's on the. Wait, he could have just said the name of the sandwich to the person and he could have got the sandwich he wanted. And then also, like the fifth time I went blt. I've never heard of a blt, but I'm assuming it's on the menu. There is no BLT on the menu. Mike made up his own sandwich looking at the menu.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then had them concoct it for him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then wanted to know where the turkey was when they brought it back. But he could have simply just given the name of the sandwich, which is the comedy club. Also, it's a club sandwich which has bacon, lettuce, and Tomato on it. It just has cheese and turkey, ham. It's a club sandwich. So Mike looked down and went, it's blt. And put the menu down. And he was off and running. Now the good news is Mike is also the stone pelican. So whatever they put in front of him, he just vacuumed that thing right up. Never knew, but Mike never knew what happened is what happened. And I had to sit down and explain to him this is what just happened. You took a sandwich, called it something else, and then they accommodated you. But you could just say the name of the sandwich as it appears on the menu.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Thus confusion is what I'm saying now. Confusion. And here's what I tell everyone. The third time I say to someone, blt. Never heard of that. I've been to a thousand clubs, I've never seen that on a menu. That's your opportunity to go, let me just double check.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, right, because there's never been a fresh piece of lettuce at a comedy club in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Or drunk people don't want a beat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

That fucking two drink minimum crowd. They want a sloppy burger and nachos and shit. They're not looking for blt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, chicken fingers is a stretch.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting though, the pattern. People like you have to think about pattern. So Mike is looking at the menu. I haven't touched a menu, but I know there's no BLT because we've been to 2000 clubs and there's never been a BLT. So it's a pattern thing with me. So the funny thing is, people, do yourself a favor and just kind of read patterns, you know what I mean? And what I'm saying is, we were driving into the club and the guy goes, we got our opener there, Rudy. And Rudy goes, I was doing one show. They go, they're doing a second show. They wanna start right at seven. And they wanna make sure Adam just keeps it to an hour. Just. Would he be okay? Just stay to an hour, don't go past an hour, start right at seven. And then he hangs up the phone and then we're driving around and I go, yeah, they're doing a late show. And Mike goes, they're not doing a second show. And I go, yeah, Rudy said they're doing a second show. He goes, I didn't hear him say that. I go, well, Mike, they want to start right at seven and they want to limit me to an hour. Yeah, well, that means there's a second show. No, it doesn't. I go, if there's no second show, they'll just go, we'll start at 7, 10. Because I want to get everyone in there and they want to sell them more drinks. And they'll also go, do whatever time you want. There's no second show. But if there is a second show, then they start right at seven and they cut you off. They go, we gotta have you end by 8:30. That's the way we're gonna do it. So I go, mike second. I didn't hear him say anything, but I go, you don't need to hear what he has to say. But he said it. The fact that they wanna start right at seven, when they always start late, and the fact that they go stop at an hour, which they never do at a theater or anywhere else, means there is a second show. De facto. You know it, I know it. Cuz that's why they say it. Mike's like, I didn't hear him say it. And I'm like, they don't have to say it. That's what they're saying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's your tour manager.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But it's fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's going, I don't think there's a second show. And I go, I know there's a second show. They won't do these things unless there's a second show. But also, he said there was a second show. But even that aside, what I'm saying is you can get all the information you want if you learn patterns. If you go to a million clubs and there's no second show, they always wanna start the first one a little late. Yeah, they'll go, well, let's start at 7:10. 7:10. There's still few people out in the lobby or whatever that is. The only time they get hard with it is if there's a second show. And same with time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I got a couple things. One is I keep sitting home watching TV and seeing dog food commercials where the stuff is fresh cooked and there's no additives and there's like vegetables and it's in a pouch. And keeping your fridge, keeping your fridge. And this is made with non GMO chickens and all that kind of stuff. And I sat. I literally thought, I leaned back the other day and I was like, dogs eat better than I ate as a child.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Their parents, their owners put much more effort and money into nutrition and a wholesome meal than my fucking parents did. Like, we got either nothing or some sort of Swanson Salisbury steak slop. You know, some sort of institutional slop like dog food. Is now A much healthier than what I grew up on. And then B is I was looking at Dawson with his pup Mitch and the dog bed. Dogs also have much better beds than I grew up on the bed. And the food with dogs have exceeded my childhood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How about shampoo?

[Adam Carolla]

Shampoo better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I use soap. I use Ivory soap on my head.

[Adam Carolla]

You just use a bar like you're in the Navy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. There was the food that we got when I was a kid. My mother, she grew up the youngest of six Bronx parents off the boat from Ireland. No money. And my mother was not taught how to cook.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So our meals were Tuesday nights. Was gluck night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Your mom made some sort of like if Hamburger Helper had a Down syndrome brother.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you were served.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And tuna fish casserole.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know what gluck is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gluck is ground beef in butter on a pan that is then placed on a buttered piece of wondered bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Good gluck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that was dinner. Good gluck. Needed a Glock after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike calls that a blt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then all the greasy meat would fall through the buttered wonder bread onto your plate and you were given a salad fork to eat it with. And then our beverages. My mom was so cheap. We grew up with money. My dad was successful, but we grew up as if we were poverty stricken Bronx 1950s kids. So she used to get. I don't know if you remember. Well, you definitely don't remember this, but there were these shrimp cocktails that came in a little glass and they had a metal top on them.

[Adam Carolla]

I had never seen seafood until my 30th birthday because that was considered. So you didn't see food exotic. I didn't see food but shrimp or that stuff was weird and exotic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And well, it came in these little six ounce glasses. And then my mother would not buy glasses. So we drank shots of milk at dinner. And never a salad, never a piece of bread, barely any vegetables.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

You're welcome. I was also, there's a great tape that I think you would enjoy that I forgot. I liked it. Somebody tweeted to me. But it was like a youth basketball game and there's one kid in a wheelchair and it must have been the end of the game, but it was like make a wish time and someone sort of fed him the ball and they made a little room and then one 13 year old brother just came in and swatted it out of the sky and also did that dance where they go, oh, I don't know what happened that you sacked the quarterback in a preseason game for a six yard loss and you gotta go, it's preseason. It's a six yard loss. They're still in field goal range. Like, what is the scream? I think he does a scream. It's also the parents seem to appreciate the fact that he swatted. I'll show it to you and you can tell me, is the parents, are they celebrating this? And you also see other kids on his team clear out. So it's not like his team was going after the ball. His team understood the kid in the wheelchair had it, so his team backed off and he just came flying out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's watch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm guessing when they left, the parents were parked in the handicapped spot out front.

[Adam Carolla]

The one guy just hands it looks like a girl. Maybe even now. Look, I'm all for her learning her lesson. I think it was a girl in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A wheelchair and she's the only white person in the gym.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a wheelchair league either.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You hear the laughing from the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm kind of saying the mom's laughing is the part that's a little disturbing in this scenario. Now he goes, you know he's got a good vertical, and he gets up there and, you know, I don't know if it was gonna be nothing but net, but we'll never find out because.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He might have saved her some embarrassment.

[Adam Carolla]

Could have been an airball.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Could have been an airball.

[Adam Carolla]

I think at the after press conference, that would. My argument would be that thing was just an airball. And I didn't wanna fucking pile on. So I took it out. I took the focus onto me. But do it one more time, because I want to hear the audio. I want to hear the moms or whoever's filming it seem to enjoy what happened. Which is kind of a weird place to be at as a society. You can turn it up a little. Let's see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's not the only one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a little cultural problem there, I think. But still funny. Yeah, but. And then at some point, one of the boys holds the guy up who swat. I think you can see it. He. I don't know if they're keeping score. A game couldn't have been that close. It was a girl in a wheelchair. The guy picked up the guy and held him up. Who swatted it? Listen, I went to high school with a bunch of guys that would have done that. I think it's funny, but it's more about the moms enjoying it. Because the mom should be like, oh, boy, somebody's gotta teach this kid right from wrong. All right. Another thing I saw, which I admit it, it'd be a little controversial, but I think we can go there. Somebody sent me a clip, and it was James Claiborne, who's, I don't know, Representative. I don't know, Congressman, whatever. But he was on the View, and he was basically the clip. And we don't even have to watch a clip, but the heading on the clip just basically says, james Clyborne says slavery's coming back. And my thing is, it's probably not coming back, but I just wrote, if it is coming back, I have dibs on Jamie Foxx. Cause I just feel like if we are coming back, I want to get early in on Jamie Foxx. Because the guy's got everything and he's so strong, and he's a great performer, he's funny, great dramatic actor. And I would just, you know, I wouldn't put him to work, but I'd be like. If I was throwing a cocktail party, I'd be like, you know, you should really be Ray Charles for tonight and just play the piano the whole time as Ray Charles. And then Other people started chiming in, explaining which celebrity slaves they would take as well. Some smart money was on Halle Berry, but I think that was just for sex. I didn't feel like that was, you know, they heard the spirit of it. I got some Morgan Freeman's in there, but he's gotta be 84, you know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's kind of at the end. And then I'm trying to think who are the big. Who are the. I stand by my Jamie Foxx because I. Back to the Swiss army knife. That guy can do it all. Entertaining, funny. I know he had a little medical condition, but I think he's past it now. And I'm not saying I want them to bring back slavery. I'm just saying on the off chance, James Clyborne is right. Putting it in there early. Jamie Foxx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart. Could you do any better? I mean, you want to get stuck with Bill Cosby?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jesus. He's free, right? Is he free?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's out there. He's available.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He hasn't been heard from in couple years. I mean, he was out doing comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Every year you hear that he's going to come back and do stand up again. And then that seems to dissolve. He sells a few tickets and then they get a bunch of letters and they go, no, no, we think that'd be a bad idea. That would be an amazing idea.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what we need?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just think of the premise. He doesn't have to explain the premise.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Somebody's gonna do this. Somebody is going to do a pay per view called Night of Deplorables. And we gotta wait until Jared from Subway gets paroled. But I mean, it's just gonna be a night of people that have been canceled and not canceled for saying something stupid. I mean, really canceled in our society. And we just do a fucking pay per view and we hear their story. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are there boxing matches?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if Bill's in good enough shape to do that. And I don't know if Jared from Subway is at cruiserweight or heavyweight. Like, I don't know if he ballooned back up in the joint. I'm just saying, if there was a pay per view that just went, look, we got Jared from Subway. He's going to be out in a couple of years, God willing. And we got Bill Cosby, P. Diddy. And we got P. Diddy, and we got Lyle Menendez or whatever. And Chris Cuomo is just gonna moderate. And they. The Hurstle deal there Are nothing. Nothing's out of bounds. There's no pre interview. He can fucking ask. Whatever. What gauge shotgun. Whose idea was it? You know, how many kids did you diddle? You know, whatever, Bill. And it's all great. I don't know. I would watch that. Yes, I would watch it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think there should be a competition element to it though. I think it should be like squid games and that way everybody gets on board. It has to be fair. I mean, maybe there's a. For the older people like Bill Cosby, there has to be something that's not physical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you know, he was quite the track star back in the day over at Temple, I think, and see this. I'm fine with getting a little game. You know, we'd have to dress it up. You're right. There'd have to be some stakes and something visual. But I think Bill's just gonna have to be a sit down and have anybody, you know, I don't know, maybe, maybe all host. Maybe Megan Kelly will host. I don't know, but someone that just asks real questions. By the way, I don't have the clip, but I got to tell you, it'll make you laugh. And I don't know, Andrew, I don't think we can find it because Megan hasn't released her stuff in full on YouTube or maybe she has. It's just clips as far as we can tell. But Megyn Kelly had James woods on. On her Sirius XM show this morning. And if you can. Well, you can find. You know what, Andrew, we'll set it up. You can find the Don Lemon, you know, fuck ice. Little soliloquy. So they, they played the Don Lemon. Don Lemon basically told ICE to fuck off or fuck Ice or whatever. And that upset James woods and Megan. But I'll play the thing now. My thing with Don Lemon is everyone's entitled their opinion as a comedian. I want it crafted a little better. Like Jon Stewart probably is aligned with Don Lemon on many political subjects, but does it in an entertaining way. He just does off, which is not really right. It's not really. As a journalist and an entertainer, whatever. Not really making a point. But here's. I'll just do 45 seconds of Don Lemon.

[Rudy Povich]

Attention, ice. Let me just say something that most people, most journalists will not say. They can't say it. I understand that. But I'm an independent journalist now, so I can't say it. Fuck off, Ice. Fuck all the way off. You are low life losers and you feel empowered by your dear leader, Donald Trump, you have never had this position of power before, small person. And you are treating people in an inhumane way, and you don't even understand why, because you're too dumb to figure it out. You are the poorly educated that Donald Trump loves. That's who you are. And you're out there doing his bidding, doing things that are illegal, doing things that are unconstitutional, doing things that are inhumane, like killing someone because you're pissed off, because this person may be notifying people that you're in the area trying to round people up. That is that person's First Amendment right to do. You can do that as an American, but maybe not in Donald Trump's America. You are fat fuck losers who just crawled out of a trailer park from some proud boy meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Or he's angry at ice. Now, the guy who runs ICE who he hates the most is Tom Holman, who ran ICE for Barack Obama, who deported more people with Barack Obama, who Barack Obama gave the presidential medal to. It's the same guy. So he's wrong. I mean, they've been busy for a long time, but he didn't do a very good job of articulating himself. And I think Don Lemon is dumb, is really the bottom line. But he's also a narcissist. But either way, James woods did not take kindly to these words. And so James woods was on with Megyn Kelly. And James said he goes, he's a small, small man. And Megyn Kelly didn't hear the joke, but James woods goes, he's a small, small man. And then Megan said, oh, calling him a man, that would be a stretch. And James said, oh, he's been stretched. And then Megan kept piling forward. And it's one of those things where I'm in the car and I heard it. But Megan was on to her next whatever. But he goes, he's been stretched. And I also made me. It made me long for simpler day, which is old school gay jokes. We had old school gay. And James woods gave the old school gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he went right to it. And Megyn Kelly played it right, because it's all clips today anyway, so that'll come out as a clip.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I was trying to find it, and it's not. See, her people didn't hear what I heard he's been stretched thing. And that doesn't mean stretched in working five jobs. It's a different kind of stretch, kids. But her people didn't hear it. And that's why I don't think it's Ending up anywhere. But the whole thing hasn't been released yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There must be a good reel of Letterman with Richard Simmons with a lot of those comments. Those were fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

It was back. You know, there's a weird thing, like it was back when if you were either gay or black and. Or fat, we could just make fucking derogatory comments loosely based on you being gay, black, or fat. When you sat and did panel on a game show and the audience was in on it, the host was in on it, nobody felt bad for the fat, gay and. Or black person. And they would just make those jokes. Yeah, I mean, that's all. I mean, Sammy Davis Jr. With the rat Pack and everything. It's every second joke. It's just he's black.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the roasts still do it. That's the only place you really still see it, I guess, probably South Park. The roasts. Sacha Baron Cohen. But that's pretty much it in terms of good comedy. That's doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I used to do this joke. I never do it anymore, but I did do it in the last roast I did, which was Alec Baldwin. Sean Hayes from Will and Grace brought me up on stage. He was the roastmaster, whatever. And then he said, you know a bunch of horrible shit about me because that's how they do it. And then they bring you up. And then after he said all these horrible things about me and then I got up, I went, sean Hayes, everybody. Will and Grace is back on the air. But that's quite a comeback, incidentally. Comeback was Sean's nickname in high school because that's where the lacrosse team would finish. They fucking cut it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, they didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

They cut it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Come back. Gay joke. John Hayes, Will and Grace. Come on now. Nah, they cut it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's kind of a perfect joke.

[Adam Carolla]

They cut it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, that was good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was pretty proud of myself. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now he does that. Is he on that smartless show? Is that him? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know why it takes three guys to do a one hour podcast, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it seems like a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a two man, or maybe even a one one there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I don't know. They got like $100 million, so I guess that stretches out three ways.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what I think. Think. I mean, I'm not in no shade, but I will say this. I think there's something that there's a math that Hollywood and comedians and whomever sort of figured it out. Sort of figured out. Which is. And I Think Amy Poehler's this way smart list. The podcast is sort of this way, this way. They did the math. Now they said, I have a Rolodex of celebrity friends that's basically endless. And we're in Hollywood and we're all sort of squarely on the left, so we can get George Clooney, but we can get Joe Biden in here too. We can get Kamala Harris, we can get everybody because we're on the left. We all vote the same way. And we're real. We're not gonna ask a bunch of tough questions or grill any politicians or get into sorted anything. So it's a simple equation. You get these incredible guests and then you have comfortable conversations with them. And then Joe Biden comes by and you go, hey, Joe, you're doing a great job. And he goes, thank you. And then you go, what's your favorite ice cream? And he goes, vanilla. And you go, this was great. Thank you for coming in. And then he leaves. And then you get to say, Joe Biden is the cast, or Nelson Mandela is the caster, whoever it is. But you get all these. Everyone has their A list Rolodex, and you're all sort of on the friendly and happy side of all the politics. And so people all come in and you just have a conversation, but you're really getting paid from your Rolodex in your relationships. And that doesn't mean you're a hack or unfunny or unskilled or anything. But really what it is is you're kind of like, Amy Poehler is paid for her bookings. It's not like Joe Rogan has a guy come in and he's into thermodynamics and he claims it's impossible that anyone ever landed on the moon. And he's got a comb over and a Mennonite beard and we gotta talk to this guy for three hours. Right? That's a tougher putt in terms of whatever. But if you have, you know, if you have George Clooney just come in or Carol Burnett and just cut it up for 55 minutes, it's pretty easy. It's good for the celebrities. It's great for. Because it's not a bunch of hard hitting, whatever, not being ambushed or whatever. It looks good. Hey, look at the guests. Look who's coming up next. It's an all star. Who's who? Will Arnett is there or he's doing that show, but Will Ferrell or whoever. And they get all these great bookings, but it's basically like saying, I worked in Hollywood for 30 years, I didn't piss anybody off. I worked with all these great directors and talent. And now I'm gonna start a podcast and I'm just gonna get them all to come in and I'll get $100 million for the podcast. But it's really the rolodex that's getting $100 million.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think the whole business is based on big names now. I mean, movies, no movie can get made without three major names. And nowadays they also have to have a million followers. They're literally the financial people in movies and TV are looking at your social media before they'll approve you for casting. And so you're getting this like this, this inner circle of people that are doing fucking TV shows, movies, podcasts, ads, and then they're getting into standup comedy. And it's become this thing where the agents are just creating this incestuous world that they're all, like you said, it's very safe, it's very expected. There's no curve balls, there's no hard hitting questions. And I think that's what the audience is coming to expect and want. I think people get uncomfortable with conflict anymore. They don't want, you know, like the old shows where it was like David Brinkley and who was the guy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Would be on the left appearance, something. Yeah, I mean, Tucker Carlson used to do that show. They did this guy from the right, from the left, you know, point, counterpoint. Here we go. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cross talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Yeah, crossfire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Crossfire. Yeah. And I think it's a shame because you're starting to see like the movies. I watched the Golden. Like, I haven't heard of any of these movies and I've now seen eight clips. No interest in any of them. They're all milquetoast. They're all. They just feel safe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think once Cancel Culture got into full swing, there became. So there's a difference between a football team and a basketball team. We've all seen the football team where they go from we gotta score a touchdown to we gotta protect the lead. And protect the lead, you get much more conservative, try to run the clock out. You do much safer plays. There's no trickery, there's no hook and lateral. You don't do all that and the product usually suffers. It's so funny. You've seen a million times when, when the Patriots for the super bowl played Atlanta and the Falcons, they went until like halftime and like the Falcons were up like 27 to 3. And they went, my God, it's the Super Bowl. And so they just came back out and went, we gotta protect this lead. And then of course, it didn't work. Yeah, if they just kept their foot on the accelerator and did what they did in the first half, yeah, they would have kept going. But they got up in their head and they went to the four corner and they tried to run out the clock. And I think they not wanting to get canceled is a sort of protect the lead and the game gets a little boring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I think that's interesting, and that's what I like about stand up comedy, is that at the end of the day, the audience doesn't give a shit about your lead. They don't care about how much you made last year or how big the audience is. Even if you're not making them laugh and you're not doing it in a way that they came to love you for, which was probably taking big swings on your way up, then they stop coming. And there's no grace given to somebody because they're successful. I've seen huge names come into the Comedy Store and maybe they're trying new shit and they're not taking the time to maybe do a couple bits that they know work. They're going straight into it, or they're becoming arena acts. I've seen arena acts go away very fast when they get too safe. So I think it's actually a very honest medium.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree, and I will say it this way. Yeah, the guy could be the biggest comedian in the world. He can go in there, have a couple of dumb premises, and all of a sudden they're not laughing. You know what I always say? It's like this. Magic Johnson is one of the most beloved characters in modern history. And in LA especially, he did a late night talk show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

People tuned in for the first 80 seconds and saw Magic Johnson, their beloved star of the Lakers. Once we got to minute three, he was a shitty talk show host. And that's how fast you go from most beloved character and best basketball player and all that kind of stuff. The most liked person in LA to this guy sucks that fast. Anyone can do it. And that's how we are as an audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you feel? How do you feel about Tom Brady as a broadcaster?

[Adam Carolla]

I think people were a little tough on him out of the gate. It's not a natural job, it's a rep's job. I mean, you need reps. I mean, you gotta call minor league hockey for six Years in Ontario and then you gotta make your way up to AAA football or calling Arena Ball or something like that. It takes like a lot of seat time. Like a DJ or a stand up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then since he's, you know, since he's, you know, Mr. Perfect, he sits down the first day and we're like, all right, Mr. Perfect, impress us. Well, he doesn't have the reps in that world. So he does like a decent enough job. He seems to be fine now, three years in or whatever. I mean some guys are better than, than others. I don't really have a problem with him. I miss the sort of personality of the dandy. Don Meredith and the Howard Cosells like Albert.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And John Madden. Like I miss. Guys, here's what they did. They enclosed the press box. They used to leave it open. And then now why do you need cold? I'll tell you why you need. What makes it more, what was it? Better? It's Buffalo, It's January, it's fucking freezing. The place is open and they're taking nips because they're during the commercial break, they're fucking reaching for that flask and just need a little warmup. By the way, in the 60s and 70s it was considered science that you take a shot at Jack Daniels and you will warm up. Scientifically, it doesn't really hold up, but a Saint Bernard would find you and it had that cask of rum, you know what I mean, to help you. Cause you're freezing, right? And so they enclosed it. And once they enclosed it, it was constantly 72 degrees and everyone sat down and there was no nipping. Everyone took. By the way, you need a big coat so you can nip because you need that pocket, that breast pocket. You need to layer. If you're gonna nip, you go in there with a tight form fitting sport coat on. Where are you gonna hide the booze? It stands out in your pocket. Those guys are lean and they're mean and everything's tailored to them. They would come up like Nanook from the north with layers and big coats and everything. And the big coat meant nip, meant you could hide. The nip meant it was freezing outside. Also. No judgment going on. It's a commercial, you know what I mean? It's fucking Monday Night Football. Have a little taste.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it got boring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they start, yeah, they've got assistants, you know. John Madden didn't have an assistant getting him a cappuccino, right. You know, they gritted it out, they smoked cigars, probably did racial and gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Jokes, I imagine, and they got drunk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you remember Joe Namath getting interviewed by the reporter? That was the greatest.

[Adam Carolla]

That was great. But because, see, it was halftime. If they'd interviewed him before the game, he wouldn't have been drunk. But it was cold. I think it was cold. I think. Now, Broadway Joe famously wore like a huge mink coat on the sideline. But was it cold that day when Broadway Joe said he wanted to kiss Alan Andrews or whoever he was famously.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Photographed at four o'clock in the morning in the mink coat coming out of a nightclub or a hotel with a beautiful young girl or two, and he had a. And it was a game day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Broadway Willie. Yeah. By the way, that sort of sent him into rehab, I think, just in case people want to know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

I think the story is, upon seeing that, he said, you know, I think a better look into a little Betty Ford here. All right, let's see where he is in this. It's December. He's been nipping. December 03. Anyone else has watched Chad play impresses me. The same thing impresses them. What does it mean to you now.

[Andrew]

When the team is struggling?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team struggling. I want to kiss you. Thanks, Joe. Yeah. Simple enough. Now, listen, if there was no flask and there was no cold weather and there's no nipping, we wouldn't have this moment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

The great Joe Willie Namath. All right, let me give you some plugs, Fitz Dog. January 30th through February, Comedy Mothership in Austin. Oh, February 5th is seven punchline Sacramento and then Helium. That's a fun club in Philly. February 13th through the 15th. Go to GregFitsimmons.com for all the live shows. Right, Fitzdogg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it. The live shows. And then Fitz Dog Radio and what's my other show? Sunday papers. Yeah, yeah, those are good.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll take a quick break. Be back with Rudy Pavich in the news right after this. O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and all the knowledge you need. If I can't figure out why my car is having an issue, they're always my first call. They've got thousands of parts in stock and they'll test your battery for free. Need wipers, brake lights, or a quick fix. They'll get you the right part every time. And I always use the ones that are local. I always have. When I lived in North Hollywood, I went to the one in North Hollywood. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and friendly. The professional parts people, O'Reilly, are your one stop shop for DIY auto stuff in store or online. It's O'Reilly, right, Dawson?

[Dawson]

Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us online at o'reillyauto.com Adam that's.

[Adam Carolla]

O'Reillyauto.Com Adam Rosetta Stone New Year always feels like a clean slate and learning a new language can be one of those resolutions you actually stick with. So if you want to connect with your heritage, level up your career or get ready for a trip, Rosetta Stone makes it easy. They've been trusted and they've been a leader in the language, in the language learning community for 30 years because they help you learn naturally. It's immersive with no English translation and intuitive process that's specially designed for retention. And that means you can take it with you. Their truaxent helps you sound natural and they're great for on the go learning. I've used it to pick up a few things and surprised how easy it is and how easy the lessons fit into my day. It's Rosetta Stone, right, Dawson?

[Dawson]

Don't wait. Unlock your language learning potential now. ADAM Carolla show listeners can grab Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. That's unlimited access to 25 language courses for life. Visit RosettaStone. To get started and claim your 50 off today. Go to Rosetta Stone.com Adam and start learning today. It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

We got crows here, Adam. We shoot them. They carry bird flu. I'm starting to wear my MAGA hats. Love your show, Adam.

[Dawson]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder where here is.

[Andrew]

Shit, that's a very southern.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think it's like Encino, Sherman.

[Andrew]

Oaks area, Madison, Wisconsin. Probably leaving him alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's something about shooting stuff here where I'm from. These parts, we shoot people. We average many more people than birds where I'm from. We the amount of people that get shot dwarfs the amount of birds that get shot where I'm from. And as a matter of fact, you'd probably get into more trouble where I'm from for shooting birds than you would be for shooting people.

[Andrew]

You want a good bird to human killing ratio, you know, you want a high bird, low human. That's what you want. I'm from Minnesota. A lot of birds. Well, okay. But numbers of humans have gone up drastically in the last couple of months, but not as bad as it normally is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you do want a bird to human ratio that's on the happy side with many more birds. Because I can say honestly, where I'm from and in Los Angeles, no one has a gun to go bird hunting. And the only time they even fire the gun in a direction that's toward the sky versus toward another human being is on the 4th of July. But they still get their way because those bullets come down and kill people. And no bird ever came down. So Los Angeles and Los Angeles residents and you know, they're not going bird hunting with a nine millimeter Glock, whatever. But anyway, we've never shot any birds. It's also weird. It's weird when you come from a land that's sort of cultureless. You know, where you're from, there's like ice fishing or like people go. Like, I would talk to people and they'd go, oh, we get the day off for deer hunting season. When I went to school. Oh, yeah, I think there's no. Where I'm from, there's no such thing as anything. It's just flat roofs, aluminum windows, bad stucco, dumb people walking around, and that's it. If you grow up, how I grew up, you will have a dad that did not own a shotgun or any kind of gun, did not own a fishing rod or bowling ball or any sort of apparel. Like, you know, you got to put your winter boots on or you got to get your stuff just sort of year round, 80 degrees, people just walking around, nothing. There was. There was nothing in my dad's closet that would have been. And there was no season. And there's no, hey, we're going, or, you know, we're getting up early Saturday. There's no anything. You just sat. You just walked around. You can go outside and shoot at somebody. But there was no events. There was no snow days. There was no deer hunting. We'd have. The closest we ever got was a smog day. We'd have smog days at school. But smog day was lose, lose, because you would have to go to school. You just couldn't do recess or pe.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So now it's me at school who hated the classroom and loved being out on the field. Having to just spend more time in the classroom because it was a smog day.

[Andrew]

That's the thing about small towns. I'm from Hibbing, Minnesota. And when we would have the snow. Snow days. You would get the. The snow would come in early in the morning or overnight, and then they'd cancel school. But by the time 10:30, 11:00am rolled around, everybody had been shoveled out, everybody had had the. The plow come through. So now it's sledding day all day. And now you can just hit the hills for the rest of the afternoon and not have to be at school. All right, it was good times. We used to bring the guns to school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We would.

[Andrew]

That's where you had, like, gun safety training. So you just bring it, you'd leave it, you bring it in, you put it in your locker. You'd bring like a, you know, a 20 gauge shotgun and leave it in the locker. And then after school, you'd go to your gun safety training and then you get your certificate six months later.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, school teachers would never put up with that. Not in Minnesota anymore. All right, what do you got?

[Andrew]

A shocking number of US Visas reserved for artists of extraordinary ability are going to OnlyFans creators and other social media influencers. It was once allowed to use John Lennon to stay into the country, but now over half of clients seeking the coveted 01B visa in recent years are either performers on the pornography platform or some other kind of online influencer.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you need to be in this country to do pornography like Czechoslovakia? All you need is a bed and a tripod, right?

[Andrew]

Yeah. And as a guy who spends a lot of time in motel sixes on the road, let me tell you, it's a novelty to hear that European voice every now and again. I like a good American accent, but every now and again I'm like, I wonder what the Brits are up to sexually. Jump on OnlyFans, British porn. It pops up, you get that.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Yeah, British is the best for porn. Because what you want in porn, I think, I mean, at least for me is I want the least likely to do porn to do porn. Like, if you really think about porn, what's every guy's porn dream? Well, I want the people who don't want to do porn to do porn. I wanted the cast of Charlie's Angels to do porn, but they wouldn't do porn because they had a job on Charlie's Angels. But there was something about the allure of somebody who really shouldn't have been doing porn doing porn. Like, the best compliment you can pay a female porn star is, oh, you don't have to do this. That's the best. That means they're the hottest, right? So the British accent makes them even further from porn because they sound educated and I feel like they could be doing something else.

[Andrew]

Yeah. And then there's always the one or two people that sneak in that you didn't want to have do porn. Like a Tom Sizemore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andrew]

Where you go, oh, man. Saving Private Ryan. You've fallen from grace, my friend.

[Adam Carolla]

He did porn.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Well, he did a video of him having sex with. I don't know if they were porn stars or not, but definitely having sex while doing drugs in a hotel room. And I think that was his way because he was a little off the rocker at the time. And I think that was his way of getting back at his agents and people around him that, quote unquote, didn't support him.

[Adam Carolla]

He will be missed. He was an excellent actor.

[Andrew]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

And he really should become a cautionary tale. Like, kids don't do drugs. Like, lots of talent, lots of big movies. I mean, the guy's in Heat and Saving Private Ryan and he came in here once and he must have been doing some drugs in the bathroom and he doused himself in talcum powder. Wow. Which is sort of a move. I've done the non drug version move of that. I've done the move where I'm wearing the khaki pants and I take a leak and I put my dick back in my pants and I dribble on the front of the khaki pants and there's clearly a spot and I've clearly peed on myself. So the peeing your pants version of this is you go to the sink and you slosh more water and then you walk out and you go, man, that thing come out like a fire hose. I'm trying to wash my hands. I took a super dry, precise piss. Super, super precise. And then I go to wash my hands and the thing comes out. I get all over me. He went into the. Must have gone into the bathroom here to do drugs and then came out with talcum powder, like, literally all over him.

[Andrew]

Looking like pig pen from Peanuts.

[Adam Carolla]

All over. Yeah, all over him. And now I guess in his mind that would cover his tracks. Except for the sink and the water is a feasible hide. The urine. Talcum powder on your head is not really feasible. And as a matter of fact, makes me think you did more drugs. You see?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's see.

[Andrew]

Well, there's also the route that people that were once in movies or had a very good career either go to pornography or standup comedy. And I feel like they get more respect when they Go to pornography.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andrew]

You know, Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell decided to do stand up. And that is one of the saddest behind the musics you'll ever watch.

[Adam Carolla]

I. When I did a very early open mic at the Improv, when I was, I don't know, 22 or something, Skippy from Family Ties or whatever was doing Skippy Pierce was doing stand up. Yeah.

[Andrew]

Still around, still tours.

[Adam Carolla]

Still tours.

[Andrew]

Yeah. He goes out with the guy who played Banion on Seinfeld. It's almost like they have a B character standup tour.

[Adam Carolla]

And I, you know, I mean, now it's been 30 years, so I, you know, maybe 30 more than 30 years. So maybe he's just been doing it all along. But at the time, it was, that guy from that TV show is doing standup now. And now there's, like, Jeremy Piven who goes out, but he's fashioned himself into a good standup because he works hard at it, you know, so it can happen. So Skippy's still out?

[Andrew]

Still out there. I just saw a billboard the other day. They were coming through the Midwest somewhere. Yeah, him and Kenny Banion. I forget that guy's name. Both decent standups. I'll say that. The guy who played Banion, I'm spacing on his name. I said, but good dude. I've worked with him. I was early on the show, he was headlining. We sort of ships in the night, but everybody said, great standup Mark Skippy Price, I haven't had a chance to work with, but I do see that he's around and people have worked with him and they go, the worst thing about that guy is that he's annoying, is that he's just constantly calling, going, can I get a date? Can I get a weekend? And I would much rather have annoying than asshole in a green room.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it struck me because I'm looking at a note that says, dre Di Mateo, obviously from the Sopranos, is turning to Onlyfans what you want. If you're looking for nudity in the future, you hope that this starlet that you're watching on your favorite TV show takes a turn for the conservative. Because what happens is the TV show you're appreciating her on will come to an end. She will then make a few appearances on Hannity and then be blackballed from the industry in Hollywood, unable to work anymore. And then we'll have to turn to porn or OnlyFans. If she keeps it to the left, she can keep working in Hollywood and Never gonna have to take her clothes off. But Drea Di Matteo took a turn for the conservative. And now if I know conservatives and I know Hollywood, there's no more work for her. Cuz they love punishing people for opinions they have that are different than their own while simultaneously complaining about McCarthy as. That's awesome.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Good friend of show, Chef Andrew Gruel. Andrew, you got that graphic from Senator Kirsten Gillibrand she put up recently. We'll get the tweet here in just a second. But Andrew Gruel making the waves on X. She writes, I have to go down. You can tell the graphic that Chef Andrew Gruel put up, but she wrote. Okay, let's see the simulation for yourself. I'm sorry my eyes are so goddamn bad now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really small.

[Andrew]

Yeah. I challenge Secretary rollins to eat three meals a day on $15. Show the American people.

[Adam Carolla]

So somebody said you could feed?

[Andrew]

Absolutely. Andrew Gruel comes out with a graphic that says $13.49 a day. That's three meals a day plus two snacks. And he breaks it down. Eggs, toast and yogurt for breakfast, apples and peanut butter. Late morning snack, chicken breast salad for lunch, cheese and nuts or nut butter for snack, 8 ounce braised beef and rice for dinner, and then an ice cream for dessert. That leaves a little couple extra dollars for wiggle room and more.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here's the deal, everybody. I don't give a fuck how much it costs to feed you or your kids. It's you and your kids. So figure out a way to feed yourself. That's not the government's job. Kirsten. I know you guys look at your constituency and poor people, and especially black people is flawed in some way. And that you have to be like out of a Dove soap commercial where you're taking the seawater birds that are covered in oil and putting them in and cleaning them with your cleaning solution. Because you are their. You've become their. You have become their guardians. They don't need you and they don't do well with you as guardians. They do well when they're swimming in the open sea or soaring in the sky, not you looking after them. They're not damaged goods. They can get their own IDs and they can get their own food and they can take care of their own kids. And as I've screamed on this show in any other show for a million years, it doesn't cost. You know, when you do this, that's a food desert. And they don't have access to whatever. Whatever. Okay? They don't have access to Haley Baldwin's smoothie or whoever. Who made that smoothie over in Erwan over there for like a $27 smoothie. Who made that $27 smoothie? Hailey Bieber.

[Andrew]

Oh, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Hailey Bieber had like the $27 smoothie that you could get at Irwin in Santa Monica. Okay? They don't have access to that. Neither does anybody. I mean, that's out of the reach of all Americans. And even the ones who have the money like I do wouldn't fucking waste it on that shitty smoothie. Okay? But everyone, the most healthy thing you can eat is a hard boiled egg that doesn't cost anything. You can do that. You can do an apple and a hard boiled egg and some carrots and some celery and some bread and some rice and some beans. Anybody can do that financially. So this whole thing where it's like they don't have access. No. You guys want to let them use their food stamps at Jack in the Box? That's your plan. That's what you guys want. And when they don't want to be able to buy pineapple soda with it, you guys get your fucking panties in the bunch. That's you poisoning them. I'm saying get a budget together, Be healthy, cook your. And again, lean ground beef, rice, beans, an onion, a bell pepper, chopped up garlic, whatever. A little olive oil. It doesn't. Fuck it. It's not a price thing. It isn't. And you guys sit around and argue over it all the time. Okay, fuck it. It's not $13.49, it's $17.21. I don't give a fuck. Don't have kids if you can't take care of the kids. And by the way, the government is going to be in charge. The one who invented the old food pyramid and feeds institutional slop to kids at schools for their free meals, you guys are going to be in charge of what the kids eat. I don't know if that's a great plan.

[Andrew]

Yeah, the next time you walk into a grocery store and somebody comes up and goes, hey, man, little down on my luck, can you buy me some lunch? And when they walk up with a bag of doritos and a 2 liter Mountain Dew, say, I'm not buying that for you. And watch everybody spin their heads and go, well, what an asshole you are.

[Adam Carolla]

And I wanna say this too. When you're poor, you don't get to eat how you want.

[Andrew]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

You do not get to go to a steakhouse three nights a Week. When I was poor, it was. First off the top of the steakhouse was Sizzler. You couldn't do that was where it ended. Sizzler was the most expensive, nicest place my dad would ever go to. But we were always poor. My grandfather didn't have any money. He'd make a huge pot of chicken paprikash. You know, it's just, he'd. First off, you gotta burn some calories. You cook it, you do it. Yeah, you can go to a restaurant and have someone else do it, but you're gonna pay for the someone else to do it. If you ever went out to the restaurant, it would always be like, we're not doing an appetizer and a drink. I mean, when I was a kid, it was zero. But even when I was 25, if I ever went out to dinner, it wouldn't be appetizer and a glass of wine. It would be a glass of wine or an appetizer. Probably neither, because there's not enough money to go around. Let the fucking people figure it out. And the kids are all fucking fat anyway. So whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong. And yes, a hard boiled egg, while it's the best thing for you, is not appetizing. It doesn't intrigue people. They don't want to do it. But by the way, you know what else doesn't feel good? Push ups. Push ups don't feel good. But you need it. And kids need it. And neither does jogging, and neither does a little bit of, little bit of wind, a little gravity, a little something pushing, pushing back at you. But it's all necessary, so fuck right off. And by the way, who are you? When did we enter this world and this relationship with the government? When it's like, we need free buses, we need free daycare, we need free K through whatever. We need free college, we need free food. I didn't sign up for this. I never thought that was the deal. Nobody I ever grew up with thought that was the deal. The deal was you have kids, they're your kids, you pay for your kids. If something fucking happens and a tree falls on you and you're confined to a wheelchair and you lose your job, then the government will be a safety net to help you out for a finite period of time while we find you a job that you can do from a desk in your wheelchair. That's it.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Also, a little bit of eat and pour might take a couple of pounds off you. You know, it might be nice. It's probably good for your liver and for your innards to maybe cut back on some of the calories.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. I had a job framing a house in Malibu which is gone now because of the fires. But this fires were like from 25 years ago. But we could not. We were up on the top of the hill and there was no Mickey D's run and there was no Taco Bell run. You had to pack your own shit. And I was a poor bachelor and making a world class sandwich was like way out of range. Cheese and deli meat was a high end. High end.

[Andrew]

Iceberg lettuce on a sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I would have had to buy things and toast things. First off the components, mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, relish.

[Andrew]

You know, the flag in there, the toothpick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, it all out of range. So. So what'd I do? I would bring two hard boiled eggs, an apple and a little box of raisins. And then every day at lunch we would sit down on the back terrace and guys who were married, they'd open that little squatty thermos. I missed the squatty thermos. Not the tall boy, the one you put the stew in. The stew thermos, you know, and they'd open it up and they'd be eating it because their wife made. And I'd be like, that smells good man, that's savory. The other one, have a nice big pastrami sandwich and I'd have a hard boiled egg and a raisin and it fucking sucked. But I was eating healthier with my apple, my hard boiled egg. It was all just shit. I could buy and throw in a bag and leave and not have to make in the morning at 6am or whatever. But you do eat healthier when you're on a fucking budget.

[Andrew]

Absolutely, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

Dawson in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month and start selling today at shopify.com corolla go to shopify.com corolla that's shopify.com corolla hear your first this new year with Shopify by your side, Pluto TV has.

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[Andrew]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Andrew]

I don't trust anybody who never had to mix skim milk and chocolate milk because their parents wouldn't let them drink straight up diesel chocolate milk.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Andrew]

Oh yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Stepped on it.

[Andrew]

Yeah, you had to crush it a little bit. You know, you'd add, go half and half. Because if my stepdad ever caught drinking full on chocolate milk without a half filled white milk in it, lose his goddamn mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I thought there's no such thing as orange juice unless it came in a frozen tube, like a frozen poster.

[Andrew]

Tube and popped open. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also I go back, I never was down with this, but half the friends I had did the 50:50 ratio with milk and powdered milk.

[Andrew]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's some fucking slim pickings, man.

[Andrew]

Brutal. I've never had it. I don't think I've had powdered milk before.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this, and I'll say it again. If you cannot afford milk, which is sustenance to all mammals, all mammals start off suckling milk. They all drink milk. Aquatic creatures, mammals, drink milk. I think one of the definitions I'm looking at you guys in the booth, but I think the number one definition being a mammal is drinking milk is.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah, probably, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. If milk is a bridge too far, we need to take your fucking kids away. Literally. Mother's milk. If milk is too exotic and too expensive for you as a family, the kids are going to a fucking home. As a matter of fact, if you can't feed your kids, they should be taken away.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If a bird couldn't feed its chicklet, its chick, we would just go, someone's got to take that bird out of the nest because the mom can't feed it. Right.

[Andrew]

The next time we go to Wisconsin, we'll swing by a quick trip and we'll get some milk in a bag. And then I will, I'll get on all fours and hang that bag for my Stomach. And then ace, you can lay on your back and suckling.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, I'm getting hard. Jesus Christ. There's some. Yeah. Breaking is drinking milk or nursing.

[Dawson]

Nursing and producing milk is one of the main characteristics of mammals.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. So anyway, poor mammals, your kids should be taken away if you can't do it. But here's the good news. You can do it. You're choosing not to do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can fucking figure it out. You just need a little motivation. And stupid politicians screaming at people telling you to feed your own kids is not good motivation for you.

[Andrew]

Yeah, much the same way Dana Gould doesn't know how to use ChatGPT. I don't know how to use GrubHub. I've never used a doordash. I've never used Uber Eats. I don't understand the people that do it. When especially there's a grocery store right down the street. It costs you a fraction of what you pay every single month that food delivered to you.

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[Adam Carolla]

I've railed against this since this. Since the inception. My wife, my ex wife was super lazy and loved to just waste money on all that shit. And of course the kids are always just going along for the ride, so I could never talk anybody out of it in my own home. And plus I was on the road half the time, so they're just fucking laughing at whatever decree. They never had any kind of respect for me in that. I said, I don't like this and I'm paying for everything. So could we not do it? They would just do it. You cannot. Price like barrier. The only thing that stops most lazy Americans from this behavior is price. Once you get rid of price, as in, I'm paying for everything now, it's really out the fucking window now. We're just left with character. And people don't have character. Yeah, but. But I think it's a slippery slope. I look at all these food deliveries and all these grubhubs and most anything where they go, we'll come to your home and we'll. I don't even like cleaners coming to my home, but we'll come and we'll detail your car and we'll come and we'll wash your thing and we'll come and we'll give you a massage. You don't have to come to us. Like everything is come, come, come to me. You got to. I think of that as like. Like the first time somebody who snorts cocaine. Like Charlie Sheen, like I talked to Charlie Sheen at some point Somebody says, why don't we smoke it now? You should go, no, I'm just gonna snort it. Cause once you cross into that threshold of smoking cocaine, now your fucking life is ruined. And it's all encompassing and it takes you over. And that's what delivering fast food to your fucking house should sound like to you. You're crossing over into a threshold of lethargy and morbid obesity, and you won't be able to come back from that. So just make a simple rule. I don't have pizzas delivered. If I ever order a pizza, I go get the fucking pizza. And people are like, let the guy bring it. I'm like, I don't want to. I'll go get it. A half the fucking time they drop it off, you assholes go, oh, they forgot that show. It's like, well, if you go pick it up, you can kind of solve that when you do it. But also, you need to be engaged in the process. You need to be part of the pizza process. It's not all his royal highness is summoned food. Like, I want you walking over to the place, picking the stuff up, bring it back. I mean, you're. You need to have some skin in the game, like a little. And a little foreplay as well.

[Andrew]

It teaches you time management. Like, the people I see that do the Target pickup. I'm gonna order my groceries and then have them bring it out to the car. It might be a time saver, but it feels like a dignity killer. You haven't figured out a way to be able to manage your time enough that you can walk through a grocery store. If anything, as a parent with children, that should be your 40 minutes away from everybody. I gotta run to the grocery store. I'll be right back. And that's your time to just chill and put some earbuds in and listen to some music and walk through the grocery store and enjoy yourself. Instead, you order it and then you sit in your minivan for 25 minutes while you wait till the person puts it all in a bag and then brings it out to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Outsourcing, feeding your kids and outsourcing, making food and outsourcing, cleaning your place and outsourcing, cleaning your car and outsourcing folding your clothes or whatever that thing is. It's not good. Look, I'll make rare exceptions. If you're fucking Elon Musk and you're figuring out a way to colonize Mars, then fine, free up a little more time walking down the frozen food aisle and focus on that. But for the rest of you dingbats. Get the fuck to work. By the way, breaking news. According to my screen, House Oversight Committee votes to recommend holding Bill and Hillary Clinton in contempt of Congress for failing to comply with subpoenas for testimony and their Epstein investigation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

For reference, Steve Bannon and Peter Navarro both jailed for doing the same thing. I don't know, when is the world gonna catch up to the Clintons and all their fucking bullshit? And it's also a thing too where it's like, it's weird because even if they're brought to justice now, they essentially had a 50 year run of just doing whatever the fuck they wanted. The Clinton foundation and getting billions of dollars and all this thing. It's really bad. I mean, I don't know. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are like the two greatest heroes to the left. I don't know that either. And oh, I'll say. Their Mount Rushmore is like Fauci and Clinton and Obama. And I don't think history's gonna be kind to any of those fucking idiots.

[Andrew]

But anyway, yeah, they get Monica on the jury. That'd be nice, huh? Yeah. Speaking about rich and entitlement, I don't know if you saw this article that came out. Brooklyn Beckham slammed parents David and Victoria in shocking post. Says he knows the truth after Brooklyn is the.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the son.

[Andrew]

The son?

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Andrew]

After months of speculation about a rift in the family, Brooklyn broke his silence in a shocking length Instagram story detailing what he says is an ongoing attempt by his parents to sabotage his relationship in the name of publicity. A source close to the situation tells people that Brooklyn and his wife. I believe I'm saying this right. Nicola never wanted any of this. He says, I do not wanna reconcile with my family. I am not being controlled. I am standing up for myself for the first time in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

So part of his beef was on his wedding. His mom sort of stole his thunder by having a few pops and doing a kind of dirty dance with him on the first dance. Which is a weird. That's also kind of a weird complaint. Like your mom had a couple glasses of wine and was hamming it up for the crowd kind of thing. Like, that's a weird thing to be put off by. That means you're kind of a bitch and a complainer.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Also.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, who paid for the fucking Wedding?

[Andrew]

Yeah. At 26, you should know your mom well enough. Like, it'd be one thing if she had never displayed this sort of behavior and was very prim and proper. But she shook her Ass around Great Britain and the United States for the last 30 years. Give her a little leeway here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my mom was spoiled Spice. Spice will go bad at a certain point. You have to throw away cumin and nutmeg and things like that. There is an expiration date. So my mom was past hers, but, yeah, it would have been nice. My mom paid for my wedding and looked good in a skirt and had a few drinks and had a good time up there.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But spoiled spice did not do that, so. And by the way, my mom never fucking cooked and never gave me any money for food, and I just went around and found food.

[Andrew]

If you want to give me welfare.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta get with my friend. Yeah. All right. So the Clintons, now, that'll be interesting. It's always fun when people defend. Now people are gonna come out and defend the Clintons as well. They're both fucking horrible. And I don't really even. And I now. I don't know. Would you guys say this is a fair statement? I think Michelle Obama is worse than Barack Obama, and I think Hillary Clinton is worse than Bill Clinton.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're both more angry and more fucked up and will try to do more damage and probably hate this country more. Both the males have good qualities and were sort of corrupt and Barack Obama's a race hustler and made a lot of bad decisions, but he has good qualities and Clinton has good qualities as well, as did a lot of horrible shit. I don't see Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama as having good qualities and being fucking horrible. I just see him as being horrible. Yeah.

[Andrew]

Yeah. It's weird that those two guys liked it. I was thinking about Obama yesterday. I was on a walk thinking about him, and they tried to get into the podcast realm, and I think he just went, oh, fuck this. I'm out, you guys. You take care of this. I was in the public eye for so long. I don't need a podcast. I don't need any of this. You guys do it. And Michelle just sort of took off running with it. And as you say, as definitely, when it comes down to the scales of justice of which one is on the good side and the bad side, it's crazy to think that Michelle Obama would be somebody that could be compared to Barack and go, she's actually the shittier one of the two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she is. And Hillary definitely, because she doesn't have any upside. She's just fucking angry and weird and lies a lot. So Brooklyn, good. What do they do for money, though? That's Kind of the question, like you're removing yourself from your income source. And that seems not a great strategy for a kid. Although the other kids have to look at, you know, you just got a 33% bump in your inheritance.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? You gotta be rooting for that. Like if you are one of the other kids, if you were smart, like if you were like, let's say, I don't know, they have three kids, they're worth $200 million, it's all gonna be whacked up three ways if you talk like five is a financial planner of the stars, of the children of the stars. Could be a good job for me. And they came in and they went, I want to have a consultation with you, financial planner of the children of the stars. I go, well, I did a little research on your family and their worth is $200 million. Now you have two other brothers and sisters or whatever it is. So theoretically, whatever gets left behind, $100 million, $150 million, we're going to have to whack it up, up three ways. Unless you. Now, I know you think I'm going to talk about municipal bonds and T bills and long term investments and the Nikkei average. I'm not talking about any of that. You got to fuck up one of your brothers and sisters, you got to go talk to your mom, get a bug in their ear, tell them that your sister, your brother, got drunk and told everyone your pussy stunk at a party. And not for nothing, I just thought you should know now. Anyway, mommy, would you like more carrot cake? And then she's gonna fucking push back. And the next thing you know, there's gonna be a blowout and you gotta go. When that brother or sister, when they marry, at some point you gotta go find the in laws and poison them and then poison the spouse of that person of your brother and sister. And then eventually there's a blowout and they got cut off and you got way more than the stock market could ever bring you in terms of, of your investment return. Because now instead of whacking up $100 million three ways, we're now whacking it up two ways. So now you're getting 50 instead of 33. And now it's time to go to work on the one remaining kit. Right?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Before you know it, boom.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All here.

[Andrew]

Rising tides don't raise all ships, but a sinking brother means I get a new yacht, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, this got, this is interesting. Brooklyn Beckham's father in law is Nelson Pelt's billionaire investor. See, it is the thing. There was that one time that San Francisco all star linebacker just walked away like two seasons of Pro Bowl. And then it's like, I'm walking away Niners, right? And he just walked away. And I looked at him and I was like, oh, his dad's got money. Because Ray Lewis dad, I'm guessing. Yeah.

[Andrew]

You mean the same guy who shot a dude in cold blood in the middle of Baltimore?

[Adam Carolla]

What Wasn't financially independent and well too. And as a matter of fact, just the opposite. They're a bunch of brothers and sisters. And Michael Irving did not have a dad who was wealthy, but he did have a lot of brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. And that means you gotta stay in the game. I don't care what concussion you're on. You're suiting up. Right? But this guy's dad was a Wall street guy, like a finance. Had a financial firm, the linebacker. And he's like, two years of smacking my head against other guys, I'm done. We're good, right? Right. And so Brooklyn Beckham. I was watching the story and I'm like, this guy's walking away for millions of dollars. I don't know if he has a job. Yeah, but you're. Scott. Jesus Christ. I had to pay for my fucking father in law's funeral. That was literally. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Chris Borland, 49er. I mean, what'd he play three years? He didn't play more than three years, I don't think.

[Andrew]

I thought it was two, but yeah, you're right, it may have been three.

[Adam Carolla]

I guessed two, but he was a standout and in line for a nice contract and stuff, but he didn't want to be concussed anymore.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Andrew Luck. Same thing, right? Didn't Andrew Luck walk away?

[Rudy Povich]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And that was. Man, you got a really, really know yourself well enough and say, I know what I can do outside of this game to walk away from that sum of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Or I know what my dad does.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

One season. He just had one.

[Dawson]

2014.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it.

[Dawson]

Drafted by the Niners and then quit after due to concerns about head trauma.

[Adam Carolla]

Just one. Well, you need your head later when you're counting money. But if you're running from the cops, you don't really need to be all there. You don't need all your faculties to fight cops. But if you're counting money, you need those brain. One season. Saw the guy started as a rookie then, I guess.

[Andrew]

And did he quit mid season or Was it like halfway through?

[Adam Carolla]

It felt like more than just one. But maybe, maybe I'm wrong and started as a rookie. And anyway, he's with his dad's firm now, I'm sure. But listen, if Mr. Pavic or Mr. Carolla had two dimes to rub together in a successful firm, then we may not be successful touring comics today. Sure, I'd be sitting in my dad's old corner office with the mahogany desk and you would be, too. So thank God we got these two.

[Andrew]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, next weekend in New York, Thursday 29th, I'll be at Rodney's doing a fun live podcast there with Anthony Scaramucci. And then we'll do a standup show after that. It was fun. And then me and Megan are sold out over on Friday. But then Saturday, still a couple tickets left for the Kennedy center in D.C. two shows on Saturday night, stand up shows. You go to AdamCorell.com for all the live shows. Rudy's got live shows.

[Andrew]

I do, yeah. Excuse me. Wednesday, I'm going to be in Cincinnati. Third Thursday, Columbus, Ohio. And then the weekend, Friday, Saturday, catch me in Toledo. And then I'll be in Florida with you all the first week of February.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking forward to it. Until next time, Adam Carolla here for Greg Fitzsimmons and Rudy Pavit saying, mahala.

[Dawson]

Pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 8 at 863-41744 and then get taken to see Adam Corolla at AdamCorola.com.

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[Adam Carolla]

This is the mantra free.

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[Adam Carolla]

Huzzah.

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Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.

[Adam Carolla]

You're welcome.

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Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. This is the mindset.

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Free.

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[Adam Carolla]

Free.

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[Adam Carolla]

Haza.

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[Adam Carolla]

You're welcome.