Greg Fitzsimmons & Jessimae Peluso on Why L.A. Needs the Governator Back

Summary

Adam Carolla Show Episode Summary

Title: Greg Fitzsimmons & Jessi Mae Peluso on Why L.A. Needs the Governator Back
Release Date: January 15, 2025
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons (Fitz Dog) & Jessi Mae Peluso

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1. Introduction and Fire Situation in Los Angeles (00:00 - 02:49)

Adam Carolla kicks off the episode by welcoming comedians Greg Fitzsimmons and Jessi Mae Peluso. The primary topic revolves around recent fires affecting multiple areas in Los Angeles, including Pasadena, La Canada, Santa Monica, Malibu, and the Palisades.

• Adam Carolla: "The fire's gonna be the Winnebago up on blocks that the guy's selling fentanyl out of and cooking crack... that's gonna be the fire that ravages your neighborhood." (01:52)

Greg and Jessi discuss their affiliation with the "Venice 3" gang, humorously describing their neighborhood ties and spending habits.

• Greg Fitzsimmons: "Me and Jessi Mae and Annie Letterman formed a group. Well, it's a gang." (01:16)
• Jessi Mae Peluso: "It's a very Caucasian gang. We go and spend $150 on brunch." (01:27)

2. Fire Prevention and Personal Anecdotes (02:29 - 14:22)

The conversation shifts to fire prevention measures, with Adam ironically mentioning Hunter Biden's Malibu residence burning down. They delve into personal experiences and the challenges of preventing fires in fire-prone areas.

• Adam Carolla: "How much of your intervention could control that? Maybe a percentage. Like a small percentage." (03:30)
• Greg Fitzsimmons: "But if you do some last-minute weeding, that seems to help." (03:38)

Jessi Mae adds a satirical take on the availability of weeding postulated by mass deportation scenarios.

• Jessi Mae Peluso: "If a mass deportation happens, there's not gonna be anybody to do weeding." (03:49)

Adam shares his personal history attempting to join the Los Angeles Fire Department, encountering issues related to diversity initiatives.

• Adam Carolla: "When I turned to the woman behind me who looked like Paula Abdul at 19... that's my white privilege kicking in." (06:00)

Greg provides historical context on the dominance of Irish individuals in firefighting roles.

3. Reflections on Personal Life and Relationships (14:23 - 32:59)

The discussion becomes more personal as Adam recounts his upbringing in a household with heavy smoking, leading to health issues like asthma. Greg shares memories of his father's smoking habits and their impact on family life.

• Greg Fitzsimmons: "He smoked three and a half packs a day... I was dying in this smoke." (14:19)
• Adam Carolla: "I have been on my inhaler for the last six days. Like I'm dying in this smoke." (14:20)

Jessi Mae opens up about her experiences with a gambler father, highlighting financial struggles and emotional turbulence.

• Jessi Mae Peluso: "My dad was a gambler and he used to go back and forth between my sister and I... I kept all those notes." (53:21)

Greg shares his emotional journey, including traveling alone in Europe and dealing with his father's death.

4. Shared Stories and Comedic Anecdotes (33:00 - 61:35)

The trio exchanges various humorous and sometimes outrageous stories about their lives, including mishaps with roommates, failed stunts, and wild travels.

• Adam Carolla: "I grabbed it and I got my feet up. And then I got my feet, like, on the ceiling... and I tacoed myself." (34:54)
• Greg Fitzsimmons: "We tried... to go the year that Family Guy put out the bit. Prom night dumpster baby." (85:07)

They discuss their numerous roommates, sharing tales of quirky and problematic living situations.

• Adam Carolla: "I've had about 11 or 12 roommates." (83:10)
• Greg Fitzsimmons: "When I was a sophomore... we started drinking until five in the morning." (81:00)

5. Political Commentary and Satire (61:35 - 87:27)

The conversation takes a satirical turn towards politics, especially focusing on Governor Gavin Newsom and the iconic figure Arnold Schwarzenegger ("the Governator"). They humorously debate the effectiveness of political figures in crisis management.

• Jessi Mae Peluso: "You don't want to be a homo or poop on you're gonna get the, a little extra craft." (31:48)
• Adam Carolla: "A blackface? A brown nose?" (121:30)

They mock the idea of Adam potentially taking over political roles, blending fictional scenarios with real political figures.

• Greg Fitzsimmons: "Jeff Ross wants his joke back." (61:35)
• Adam Carolla: "If you make a public apology, we will give you $15 million a year to take over Kimmel's spot." (121:25)

6. Closing Remarks and Promotions (87:28 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Adam and his guests promote their respective shows and platforms, including Pluto TV, Substack, and personal websites. They engage in light-hearted banter about costumes, Halloween memories, and future plans.

• Adam Carolla: "Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free." (89:50)
• Rudy Pavich: "Check out RudyPavichComedy.com and Instagram, RudyPavich." (127:10)

The episode concludes with humorous exchanges about past antics, emphasizing the camaraderie among the hosts and guests.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Adam Carolla (01:52):
  "The fire's gonna be the Winnebago up on blocks that the guy's selling fentanyl out of and cooking crack... that's gonna be the fire that ravages your neighborhood."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (01:16):
  "Me and Jessi Mae and Annie Letterman formed a group. Well, it's a gang."

• Jessi Mae Peluso (01:27):
  "It's a very Caucasian gang. We go and spend $150 on brunch."

• Adam Carolla (06:00):
  "I was like, when did you sign up? And she goes, Wednesday. And I was like, oh, that's my white privilege kicking in."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (14:19):
  "He smoked three and a half packs a day... I was dying in this smoke."

• Jessi Mae Peluso (53:21):
  "I kept all those notes. There's like a hundred of them. This is the last time I'm giving you money. Don't tell the family. I have all the notes."

• Adam Carolla (121:25):
  "If you make a public apology, we will give you $15 million a year to take over Kimmel's spot."

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Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Adam Carolla, along with comedians Greg Fitzsimmons and Jessi Mae Peluso, blend humor with candid discussions about personal struggles, societal issues, and political satire. The recurring theme emphasizes the need for strong leadership in crisis situations, humorously illustrated through references to Arnold Schwarzenegger's tenure as Governor of California. Personal anecdotes about family dynamics, financial hardships, and past experiences add depth to the conversation, making the episode both entertaining and relatable.

The guests' willingness to share vulnerable moments juxtaposed with their comedic interjections creates a dynamic and engaging dialogue, resonating with listeners who appreciate unfiltered and genuine conversations.

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Note: This summary focuses on the main content and key discussions of the episode, excluding advertisements, promotional segments, and non-essential chatter to provide a clear and comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, in this episode, Jessie Mae Peluso is back, very funny stand up comedian. Fitz Dog is back, very funny stand up comedian as well. Rudy Pavich is going to be doing the news and we'll do all that right after this. From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, comedians Greg Fitzsimmons and Jessie Mae Peluso. Plus the news and trending topics with Rudy pavich. And now, Mr. Information, Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get on a chosen mandate. Get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for sharing. We love that about you. Fitz Dog in studio. Jesse Maplouso in studio. All right, guys, the fire. Now, the fire got to Pasadena and it got to La Canada, and it got to parts of Santa Monica and it got to Malibu and it got to the Palisades. You guys are Venice beach area.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we're part of the Venice 3. Maybe you've heard of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I've heard about you guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me and Jessamy and Annie Letterman formed a group. Well, it's a gang.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's a gang.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In Venice. We all live near each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of weather undergroundy kind of vibe.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's a very Caucasian gang. We go and spend $150 on brunch.

[Adam Carolla]

And the fire didn't really get to the Venice.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Well, we were talking about this before. We're not afraid of mother nature. We're afraid of methy nature in Venice.

[Adam Carolla]

Aha. So the fire's gonna be the Winnebago up on blocks that the guy's selling fentanyl out of and cooking crack.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's gonna be the fire that ravages your neighborhood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Lightning doesn't strike twice. It's already been burnt.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Our fires are oily. That's what Fitz said. They're very greasy.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying I find it quite ironic that Hunter Biden's place burnt down in Malibu. The guy who's fallen asleep smoking crack 2000 times in his life, and nature got him at some point. You know what I mean? Like, if you said to anybody in the 90s or early 2000s, Hunter Biden's place caught on fire, he'd be like, I told him a million times, you cannot smoke crack using a flamethrower. You have to have people around and they're. No, no. Wildfire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be like, oh. And then they'd go, it got most of his paintings. You mean the paintings he did with Jizz with his dick? No, no, he's doing paintings now. Like, that'd be a weird time machine for him. So my place did not burn, although everything around it burned. Like, pretty much. I know.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Conspiracy.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. So my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you stand on your roof with a hose?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't do that. Because he had hoes from the man show. I had hoes from the man showing. I appreciate those people and I could be that person. But my building is such that if the fire ever really got too close to it, I wouldn't have a good way to get off of that building if I was on that. On that roof.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also I figure some of it is just sort of in the cards. Like it's going to get your place or it's not going to get your place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how much of your intervention could control that. Maybe a percentage. Like a small percentage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But if you do some last minute weeding, that seems to help. Like if your house is surrounded by pine needles and brush and you get rid of that, you're going to help yourself a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, they do do that.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

If a mass deportation happens, there's not gonna be anybody to do weeding.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's gonna do the weeding?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's gonna rebuild the Palisades?

[Adam Carolla]

100% Hispanic weed whackers up on those.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You ever see a white person weed?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

And it would actually be a nice new derogatory term for a Mexican. You take your weed whackers and get out of here. I'll buy lunch for you guys later on. Like, wetback doesn't really work so much anymore because it's like, I don't know about the Rio Grande. It's your grandfather' weed whacker would work. You know, they got rid of fag hag and they replaced it with fruit fly.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I didn't know that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

I may have made that up, I don't know. But I feel like it's much more palatable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Starts here.

[Adam Carolla]

It all starts there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fruit fly. Yeah, I don't want to brag.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I feel like one of the reasons, first of all, that you didn't put out fires with your hoses. You're a little salty about the seven year timeframe for the fire course. Yeah, I went in today and passed with my outfit.

[Adam Carolla]

You passed?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I'm here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the seven year?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's salty.

[Adam Carolla]

They conjured somebody. Pulled up something I did in front of Congress years ago when they were asking me about. They didn't wanna talk about fire prevention. Someone hit me with white privilege, you have white privilege. And when I. When they tell me I have white privilege, I always go, look, when I was 19, I was rudderless and I was broke and everyone in my family was poor and there was no jobs to be found. So I went to the North Hollywood fire station to sign up to be a fireman. And the guy told me, it's gonna be a while before your phone rings, because we're just doing women and black and Hispanic right now. So you're at the bottom of the list. And then years later, a letter was sent to my dad's house. Cause I lived at my dad's house when I put the application in to be a firefighter for LA County. And that somehow it's a weird time, but with all the politics and all the fire and all the DEI and all the woke stuff, somebody found a clip of me on C Span in front of Congress saying that story. And the way the story ended, which was 100% true, is I did get a date to take the written test to be an LA fireman. I was already driving a truck and working as a carpenter. And I had a profession. It'd been long enough that I'd actually had a trade at that point. But I did go to take the test anyway, just because I signed up for it years earlier. And when I was standing in line at Hollywood High on a Saturday, I said to the woman behind me, Cause I was so freaked out about how long it took. I was curious, like, man, I signed up years ago. And I turned to the woman behind me who looked like Paula Abdul at 19, and I just go, when did you sign up? And she goes, Wednesday. And I was like, oh, that's my white privilege kicking in. So I will hit people with that story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I will say as an Irishman, we kind of had a lock on firemen for decades.

[Adam Carolla]

You had cop and fireman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You had cop and fireman. I think when we came over, nobody wanted those jobs. And so the Irish started taken them because they were so dangerous. I mean, it's not like today where there's helmets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And protective gear. I mean, back in the 1920s, that was T shirts. And it was just a bucket. A lot of buckets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a bucket. The bucket brigade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the time the bucket passed, 22 guys hands. How much? Just a little spittle in the bottom of the bucket. How much was in the. How much was left in that bucket by the time you passed it in a hurry?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, if it was whiskey, it would have been completely full.

[Adam Carolla]

Completely Gone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the time, by the first guy.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He'D all be asleep in a pile. An Irish pile.

[Adam Carolla]

The bucket. Actually, if you go to Leno's shop, there's probably a vid of this somewhere on our computer. But if you go last, not last time, but one of the times I was at Leno's shop, he. He fired up maybe the first fire engine in LA County. Steam powered.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've seen it.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, literally. You've seen it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I've seen it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a giant flywheel at that point. No better than a donkey pulling a bucket. Right. But it was the first fire engine that moved on its own. And it was from like 1903 or something.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And is that what set the Sunset fire?

[Adam Carolla]

I would think, yeah. Because Leno set himself on fire and then tried to douse himself up in the hills. And then he sat there.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He really got lucky.

[Adam Carolla]

How come no one's accusing Leno starting these fires? Everywhere that guy goes, there's a fire, and he's always on fire or rolling down a hill, which is what causes fires. People in the hills. So what should question Leno. Been on fire lately? Rolled down any hills?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Where's Gutenberg? I feel like Gutenberg started this as a PR stunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Gutenberg.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Steve Guttenberg was all over the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you see he was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's up there helping cars. And the guy didn't recognize him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he didn't.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's like, what's your name, sir? He's like, I'm the goo. He screamed, he punched him, and then he went and moved cars. I was like, oh, this is so hot.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard he was flashing his police academy badge when he was telling people to get out of the car. And he had the guy behind him, the black guy, doing a siren sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. David Winfield, the guy who does the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Classic movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been to Gutenberg's pad.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Stop.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Tell us everything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Go to a lot of houses.

[Adam Carolla]

I do not know if Gutenberg. We can look to see if his place went up. But when I did Dancing with the Stars, Guttenberg was on and he invited all the cast over to have a barbecue at his house. And his house was above Sunset, right in the middle of where the fire is. Like, literally, you just go uphill and turn left and. God, the other guy's house. Dennis Quaid had a house up there too.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He was in the news, too, packing up his daughter's clothes in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Quaid was?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And I was like, where Were you? The day after Tomorrow. You didn't help us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I mean, come on. It freezes over. You were there. We're burning. Where are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The movie about the ice age.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Now we know what these gu are like in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Goldberg, you wouldn't expect to be a hero. Shows up as a hero. Quaid, he's packing Prada pants into the car and he's out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

Quaid, in that movie, the Day after Tomorrow was like, at some sort of meteorological, like, place in. I don't know where, in, like, Philadelphia. And he's like, my son is in New York City. And they're like, all the roads are closed. And he's like, were walking. And they literally.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Walked over the ice.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, there's no way, Jim Carolla. My dad would have been like, where's your son? He's in Van Nuys. Okay. That's a bridge. Too far.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Too bad.

[Adam Carolla]

But the roads are open. You have a car. Let's slow it down, champ. Slow it down. I haven't eaten yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, the Prada pants. Like, the bar is high on, like, I put some clothes together to donate because I wanted to do something.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, you gotta do something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what you do.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And I'm proud of you. I did the same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We did it. And then I'm looking at kt and they're like, yeah, we're good. Like, I. Spielberg doesn't need my used Costco socks. Yeah, you know, those are good. But I mean, they want Prada.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we gotta.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

They're turning down clothes. They're like, no, no, no, no. Were these used? Were these gently washed? I got asked that. I said, I don't know. She's like, we're taking only things with tags. I was like, oh, go to the store. Then. I'm donating clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

Fitz Dog. Stuff's all flame proof. Cause it's got jizz all over it. That's what I said.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that how you see me? That's how I think of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's your built in retard. That's right. I've heard enough stories.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I don't see you like that at all. Just for the record.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I think she has a different vision. Did you.

[Adam Carolla]

You're old enough. Fitz Dog. Did you have asbestos pajamas growing up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Cancer causing asbestos. They thought, let's make onesies out of this stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they had asbestos pajamas, like fire retardant pajamas.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's Confusing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because environmentally challenged.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Fire. Mentally challenged.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not fire. Retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Fire was a big. A big thing because people did a lot of drinking and a lot of smoking and a lot of arguments where the dude would end up on the sofa. Like, remember that thing, that trope from the 70s, like you're sleeping on the sofa tonight. And then the guy go to the sofa, light a cigarette, pour a highball, and at some point pass out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thus, the house would go up in flames.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

So it's saying it's the woman's fault.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying it's the woman's fault for banishing the guy and driving him to drink.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My dad spent some nights on the couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad had some sofa nights?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you know, we come down Saturday morning, we want to watch Tom and Jerry.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then we walk into the TV room and there's dad and the middle cushion is wet.

[Adam Carolla]

And he shot him down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was a lot of Saturday mornings.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Why was it so wet?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He would wet himself.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

No. You guys sat in it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we threw the cushion out on the front yard.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, so you just had like two in like a little alternate seat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'd sit on the head and the feet cushion.

[Adam Carolla]

So dad would. He liked to drink a little. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He drank a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

He drank a lot. So he'd get into a blowout with Mom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She'd tell him, you're sleeping in the den. He'd go down and pour himself a couple of drinks, pass out, piss himself, possibly put out a fire at the same time when the cigarette dropped on his lap. And then you guys would come scampering downstairs to watch in our flame retardant pajamas. In your pajamas. And he'd be passed out on the sofa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like American Man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there would be a cigarette. My dad smoked three and a half packs a day. And I did the math. That's a cigarette every 10 minutes from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did he die of cancer?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Had a heart attack.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

From the smoking. But he. Yeah, you know, it was like our house. And my mom smoked a pack a day, and I had asthma. Like, I've been. I've been on my inhaler for the last six days. Like I'm dying in this smoke. But I grew up in a house where there was just in the car windows up. It was in New York, you know, freezing cold. And the ashtray was spilled over. Like the floor under the ashtray had a mound of ashes on it. And then they cracked the window and flicked the ash towards the window. We're in the back seat. It's like Mount Vesuvius back there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Do you remember? You know, something I don't think kids will ever experience again, which is like the friends you had whose parents were smokers. Steve Hughes, my friend. Both his parents smoked and they lived in small little rental house in North Hollywood. And when I would come over to Steve's house, you'd walk in, you just go, oh yeah, I got it. You're smoking like there was this smoker's house. Now either nobody smokes or they go out to the patio and sort of turn their back and chip away a little bit. But there is no more that smoking. You had the smoker's house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We used to change the curtains and the carpeting on a regular basis because the room started to be like, it was just filled with nicotine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you would walk in the. It was, it got to where you, you couldn't, you know, even when they weren't smoking, it smelled so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

So you guys, no interruption in your life with the fire, you didn't have to evacuate, right?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

We were fine. I don't know. You were away, you were in South.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Africa for three weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you were?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And when I flew back, we were flying in and you know, we had no Media for 24 hours. But it didn't matter because we flew in at 3:00 on Tuesday. The fire started around 1, so we're looking at.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it started like 10:45 in the morning. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it was up and running but we didn't know about it. And as we're landing, we see flames and fire in what looked like Venice. Now you can't tell from me.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You can't tell, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was like, what the fuck?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You're like, Jessie fell asleep with a joint in her mouth again. Again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This girl, Jesus, why wasn't she wearing her playing retard at night?

[Adam Carolla]

How was South Africa?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was amazing. It was a trip. I was with my, my wife's side of the family. I don't know the perfect number of people to travel with, but 17 is not it.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Jesus. How do you decide on where to eat? Oh, everyone for themselves. At that point it would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And, and I would say 16 of them have ADHD. So like every time you had a place, we had three cars with people packed into them and one of them would rear. Cause my sister in law, Pat, who I love, but she's 80, oh, there's a lovely cappuccino place. There's Yummy little. And so there was just turns off. But I did stand up on the final the night before I left. I did stand up comedy, which was very cool.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was so fun just to watch my jokes go down the toilet, but in the opposite direction they normally would here in the end.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you said you weren't gonna play Sunset City anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, don't play Sun City. And it was great. I didn't know what material to do because it's South Africa. So I just went right into it. There was like, black and white couples and I was like, oh, you guys try to piss off your parents here, too.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did abortion joke. Cause you could have an abortion there. I said, I'm just here to get my daughter an abortion, and she's sitting in the front row.

[Adam Carolla]

How were you received by your own brethren?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It went good.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it went good. It was, you know, they wanted me to do an encore. Like, I headlined the show and then I was done. And, like, I really felt like I got out of there. I did like a half hour and. But it was like I really pored through my jokes to see which ones would work here. And they called me up for an encore. I didn't have anything else that would work there. So I just walked up and I shit on the Korean guy. Said he looked like Kim Jong Ik.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeff Ross wants his joke back.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a song Dawson in the later 80s called Ain't Gonna Play Sun City.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Was a. It was one of those band aids, Little Stephen Van Zant. Oh, was it little? I think it was really.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I like the term.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was a sort of super group, like, you know, band. Yes, it was something. Stephen Van Zant played the. He was the. He was. He was the Quincy Jones of that group. And that was a group of, like, Banana Rama and all those, like, groups from the 80s all got together.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think it was an overall band because of apartheid, where they said, you can't play South Africa. And then Paul Simon was the one that broke the band. And he did that album Graceland.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it was a beautiful album. He went over there for, like, six months and he got to know the musicians. There's Lady Black Mombazo and all these amazing African musicians, and they did these songs and they traveled around the country. He brought, like, 20 people on stage and traveled around the country. But he got a lot of shit for breaking the band. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Creating jobs. That guy. Who was that super band or what was it? Because we all remember do they know it's Christmas time at all? And we do remember the Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Huey Lewis, whatever. But what was the Sun City Ain't gonna play Sun City thing? And was it in the mid-80s?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Sun City.

[Adam Carolla]

I would hear this on Kroc.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is this the song? That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess sounds very 80s. And who is in this group? Dawson. Oh, can you hear. Oh, sorry. If you follow your cord, Fitz dog, you can turn. You can turn the volume down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll fill it in. Angry black dudes are yelling and white guys are being mean.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, my God, it is Steven. That's insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is. Sarah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is that a Hilton? It's like a bunch of images of white entitlement.

[Adam Carolla]

And then people think Grandmaster Flash and Melly Mel or Ruben Blades.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pat Benitar. Finnelli wasn't into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Herbie Hancock, Ringo Starr, Lou Reed, Peter Gabriel, Bob Geldoff. Bob Geldoff's always in these groups. Clarence Clemens. Makes sense. David Ruffin, Eddie Kendrick, Jimmy Cliff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jimmy Cliff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

The Boss. Is that the Boss? I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Young Boss.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

The same jacket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tim and Clarence together. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What year is this? Is this from?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going to guess 1987.

[Adam Carolla]

O. That's what I. 85, 85 quality or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it 85?

[Adam Carolla]

85?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is it like a We are the world for.

[Adam Carolla]

You got the Joey Ramone in there. Oh, wow.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Was that Patrick Swayze swinging by? What was that?

[Adam Carolla]

It could have been. It could have been John Hall. It could have been a Hall and Oak.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, yeah. I think they're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. This song gets forgotten about in. In the pantheon of rebellious songs and African based messages.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Okay. That's what I was. I was wondering what the message was because it looks like a Hilton ad. Like a travel ad, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Sun City was like a resort. I've been. Oh, you have?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

So I'm half right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like, well, there's a big game park called Pilonburg, and then right next to it is Sun City, which is like a resort you stay at when you go there. But it's like, sorry, but South Africa, there's no fucking rules. Like, you go to the ocean and there's one lifeguard every couple miles. And Sun City is a. They've got a wave pool. And the waves are bigger than the ones in Ventura in a pool with little kids. Kids getting flipped in the air by the waves. And there's like a thousand people shoulder to shoulder. It's insane. And they Have a slide, a water slide that goes down about 90 degrees and then flips up and you go flying through the air for like five seconds.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Sounds like an experiment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you land in a shallow pool.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a lot at all.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is it still or has it changed? Are there regulations?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was there about 15 years ago and it was like that.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I wonder what's better, more rules or less rules?

[Adam Carolla]

I will attest to this as a guy who's been to Tijuana a lot, and a guy who's been to Baja California a lot. No rules are good. When you're in the back of a pickup truck and you're lighting M80 firecrackers off a tipparillo and throwing them at the guys in the truck behind you on a dirt road, that's a good time. And then when you get down to the beach and there's no nobody there and you're drinking tequila and you're surfing naked and then you're taking M80s and taping them to giant bottle rockets and firing them into the ocean. It's good. Later when the banditos show up and rob you, then it's bad. You see, it's like it's a kind of double edged sword. The lawlessness is great for fun, but it kind of sucks when you're getting rolled and they're stealing all your shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we got kind of rolled. Mexico, we were going. My daughter's a big surfer. So we had this guy we found online. And he picks you up at the hotel and drives you like a half an hour up the coast to this great break. There's a really good surf break.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that like Rosarita?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, further south, down, down above Cancun. And so we get picked up by a pickup truck. And the guy's got the boards in the back and he's got a two row pickup truck. And we get in and we start driving. And then about six taxicabs follow us, surround us and pull us over and basically kidnap us. They come out, they're yelling at the guy, the guy gets punched in the face, he takes off, they pull in front of him, there's a car crash. And now they're yelling at us and trying to open our doors. Because the taxis are a cartel in Mexico and at the hotels and resorts you cannot be picked up by anybody. You can only leave there in one of the cartel taxis.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

God, they need a better messaging system, cause that's intense. Maybe just a text, right? It's like, what's happening? Oh, that's what it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't know. Nobody told us. We didn't know we couldn't get picked up.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did you get yelled? So what happened?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We had to walk back to the hotel. We had to walk, like, a mile and a half back to the hotel.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did you get robbed or punched?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nope.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's no fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's pretty lawless, but it's fun. Yeah, it sounds like you're fun, but it's also lawless. Yeah. I had a friend of mine, Chris. Well, first off, I had a prized sombrero that I bought, and I was wearing it, drinking the whole time, dancing with my sombrero, like, the whole trip. And then at some point, somebody said to me, where's your sombrero? What's it doing over there? It was, like, sitting in the middle of the beach. And I was like, how'd my sombrero get? And I started walking toward it, and it blew up because they put an M80 under my sombrero and then they blew it up. But it made for great hygiene because it blew a hole in the top that was blackened like a cartoon. And then I just wore the sombrero with the blown up top.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And you didn't start the Malibu fires? Yeah, we're here, sitting here, the one that survived.

[Adam Carolla]

And my buddy Chris, we brought dirt bikes, too, because you could bring motorcycles. This was my construction crew. They would just bring trucks, surfboards, and motorcycles. And then you would just go drive along Baja. The dirt. You just stop. You'd buy fireworks and tequila. And my buddy Chris was, like, riding his dirt bike in the desert with shorts and flip flops or something and went over the handlebars and landed in a cactus. Oh. And it was like. It was like weaponized Mexico cactus, Not cactus. Out front of the Abbey, kind of, you know, cool cactus. This was. This thing had spines on it that were two and a half inches long and couldn't break like a toothpick. And he literally went headfirst into this thing. And. And we brought him back to camp, and we had to remove all of the spines with pliers. Like, we couldn't just. First off, you couldn't remove the cactus from him because then you would get the cactus. You couldn't grab the cactus. It was all broken off in his hands and on. And we put, like, leather gloves on and get a towel and stuff and pull it off. And then we got pliers and. And pulled them all out. This guy was a real hardy guy. He didn't complain as much. He should have, but I'm surprised you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guys didn't just throw an M80 at him.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody was blow up the problem. There was a bigger problem, which was we're in the middle of the desert and we're gonna be there for a few days. And he couldn't wipe his own ass.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

His hands were so fucked up that he couldn't wipe his own ass. He had a lot of broken off spines and stuff in his hands. And so we played a little rock, paper, scissor. My buddy John was put in charge of his ass wiping.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, at least whoever got paper had to do it.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

If a friend volunteers, you know who the gay one is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think this was a joke he was playing on you guys. Hands are fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did anyone check his hands?

[Adam Carolla]

I saw him after he was taken off this cactus, which is, I mean, it's like, it's as if somebody said, find the scariest desert cactus you've ever seen your life. Run head first and dive into it. Like that's basically what happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He didn't lose it to this guy.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He survived.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think those needles have a little venom in them. Don't they have an irritant or like, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy was. Because later on, maybe about a year later, he got into a fight with a guy on pch and the guy got in his car and ran him over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did he get caught for that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he didn't. They, you know, they did a little, you know, they didn't snitch on each other. They had a little code of the street. But he did get put in the hospital for a couple of days after.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

This guy ran over this friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Your hearty feelings? Yeah, this is my best friend. He got ran over and he had a broken arm and it's like lacerated liver or something. Same guy, he was in the hospital for a while. Yeah. But his insurance company, his car insurance company paid him out like $11,000. And we were like out of our minds.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You thought you were rich back then.

[Adam Carolla]

We were like, oh my God, $11,000. No one had seen that much money. And I said to him, I was always kind of semi the voice of reason. I was like, we need to take that money and do something with it. He did. He went to Maui and partied for.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Six months, landed in another cactus, got.

[Adam Carolla]

Chased out of Maui by some guy, ran a strip club. Like it was good stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where is his guy?

[Adam Carolla]

He's in the trades, you know, my guy's gotten to construction.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Where's he from? Is he like a regular white guy?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he is. He's half Samoan, which makes him sort of super dude, you know? And he was my best friend growing up. I was still good friends, you know. Time mellowed him out a little bit, but he had some moments, that's for sure.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did he leak when he drank?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wiley Coyote, Like Scrooged? Yeah, yeah, he's had a. Yeah, but he's durable. He's durable. Dude, that shit would have killed. Would have killed most men.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's a type you want to procreate with?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. Oh no. The ladies like to procreate with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You want a little Samoan in you? Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want a lot, but a little. Yeah, dusting.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Little moana, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

And Samoan. Yeah, they're sort of like paprika, you know what I mean? Just a little dusting, you know what I mean? You don't want to eat spoonfuls of this shit. You'll gag, but just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It toughens up your feet. Little bit of a thicker neck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just take a little over the deviled egg, brings it out, you know what I mean?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Paprika, I love paprika. Was that dish. What was that dish that you were.

[Adam Carolla]

Chicken paprika.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I've never heard of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My wife makes. It's my favorite thing she makes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, I love that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was that. Yeah, he had good hearty stock. This guy could do a thing that he could do a lot of things. But this is a crazy thing. And he did two of these things and one almost killed me. But we used to go break into the Mulholland Club, which is a big country club or medium sized country club on top of Mulholland. It's where all the Jews go and play tennis, I guess, basically. And we weren't in the club because we didn't know anybody in the club. But the club would close at 9 o'clock at night and then we would jump the fence with like 12 packs of beer during the summer. And then we would just hang out in the Jacuzzi and skinny dip in the pool. Like good clean high school fun, like early 80s fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Any girls?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. We would get girls up there and then try to get them to skinny dip. And it was a good.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is it a gay thing or is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It girls gonna say skinny dipping with the boys is not. It started gay.

[Adam Carolla]

It bled into bi. And so we would. This guy who was 210 pounds and 6 foot 2 could do a move where he went. They had a diving Board. So we had a lot of fun in the pool. He would go to the diving board. He'd go at the end, like, when you're in the pool, there's nothing better than buoyancy. You ever tried to do chin ups on a diving board? And you're like, oh, man, this is what it feels like to be a gymnast. Right. I just peeled off 19 of these things with one arm. This feels good. He would go to the end. You have to picture this. And he would grab the end of the board with his hands. And he'd be in the pool from about his waist down. You know, waist up. He's hanging onto the diving board. He would pull himself up and he'd pull his knees to his chest, and he would flip himself over and land on the diving board. And I'm like, I'm gonna fucking do that. And I tried 30 times. You can get your knees to your chest, you can't wrap around. Another time in my apartment, there's a doorway going from the kitchen to the living room. And it's just a shitty apartment in North Hollywood back in the day. And he grabbed onto the casing that goes around the doorway with his fingers. The casing's about a half inch thick, just with his fingers. The guy's 210 pounds. And he pulled himself up and he put his legs through his arms and pretzeled himself around and lowered himself back down on his feet. And I was like, I'm gonna try that. And I grabbed it and I got my feet up. And then I got my feet, like, on the ceiling, and I was hanging onto it. And then my hands gave way. Head hit first.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom. Right, right on that aluminum strip between the linoleum in the kitchen and the carpet in the living room. Just completely tacoed myself. But yeah, the guy was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, this is an aspect. Do one of your little movies about this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. This guy story.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, the stories, the stories, they never end with this guy. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you tried to do whatever he did and could never do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't have the Samoan blood, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. He was. He was Cirque du Soleil. You were Cirque du Sol Gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I could not pull. I could not. I could not fucking do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But the hardest, the one time, you know that thing where they talk about a mom and the kids trapped under the station wagon? The mom has the strength. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You get that, like, adrenaline strength.

[Adam Carolla]

I had two friends, this guy who was a piece of physical work like, like super, just strongest guy I've ever met. And then my other buddy Ray, who's either the strongest or the second strongest, just jacked German guy. Just both of them huge fucking maniacs. One day they got hold of me. I lived across the street from the school. School let out at like 305 and they got hold of me in my driveway, my dad's house. And I don't know if I was naked first or they stripped me down, but I was naked. And these two maniacs are like, we're dragging you out into the street and everyone from North Island High is gonna come out and is gonna see the back of your balls as you struggle with us out in the street. And I was in my driveway and I was naked and these two won at me like hard, like, get his feet, get his. And I, with the power of a thousand Samoans, like, fought both these guys naked in my driveway. And if you talk to em both, to this day they' I think we could kick Adam's ass. But what I saw in that driveway in North Hollywood leads me to believe there's something in. I had something in my tank that took my shitty dad genetics and was able to fight these two fucking maniacs off in my driveway because I was naked. That's why I did not want to go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They took their pants off in Braveheart.

[Adam Carolla]

I took the blue paint, I put it across my face and I like, I'm a warrior now. And we went. I gave him the move that they did and ah, God, what was it? Was it. Oh, God, what was the Schwarzenegger movie where he fought the alien?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

No, not Terminator.

[Adam Carolla]

Terminator.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Predator.

[Adam Carolla]

Predator, Predator. I took my fucking bowie knife like the Indian guy on the log and I just dragged it across my chest and I drew blood naked. I said, let's go. And I fought these two fuckers in my driveway so hard because my entire school was just piling out in front of my dad's house and there's no way. And they fought. I mean, they didn't go half speed, but that was the strength I summoned not to want to be humiliated.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Maybe there's some breeze on your balls, like a little draft on the taint that gave you some extra.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, maybe they should design sports apparel like NFL pants and baseball pants where you could just pull the sack out and get a little extra brick. Little extra draft.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's the second draft they do, sponsored.

[Adam Carolla]

By DraftKings would sponsor you. That'd be awesome.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Little taint draft.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, speaking of movies, I was sitting around today and I saw. I was just looking at tweets or whatever and there was a list of like, I don't know, what was it, Joe? 25 movies that you know and you should hate, but you don't. Because the message was, whatever, 25 celebrated movies that actually have a bad message. Yeah. And I thought, all right, I did that with Little Miss Sunshine. I've done 20 minutes on why that's a horrible message. I think we'll take a break and then we'll come back. I have a movie offering. I think Rudy has one. Maybe he can chime in over there. You guys can think of your movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought it too.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a celebrated movie with a negative message that you probably didn't know about. You're too busy cheering for. We'll do that right after this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker.

[Adam Carolla]

Or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Run Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam, it's Willie. Just wanted to say thank you so much for not shying away from sharing opinions that would, in some circles have you deemed literally worse than Hitler.

[Adam Carolla]

In fact, one of my female colleague friends heard me listening to your show.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And now thinks I'm worse than Hitler.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For not jumping out of my skin when you unabashedly referred to a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Of color firefighter for the Los Angeles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fire Department as a dyke.

[Adam Carolla]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Listen, there used to be a group called Dykes on Bikes. It was an accepted term. We're getting Fitz Dog's headset sorted out, by the way. Dates, people have dates. People have shows. Fitz Dogs gonna be playing January. Not sun City, but January 17th and the 18th. The Comedy Cabin in. I guess that is in Wisconsin. It's in Janesville, Wisconsin. Janesville. Do not know where Janesville Levity live. Palisades. What? Oh, Nyack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

New York, New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Got that fundraiser and doing shows all over the place. Raleigh, Improv, Milwaukee. You should go to gregfitzsimmons.com or justfitsdog.com either way, go there and let me see what I got over here. You guys can think about those movies. Jessie May. Let's see, you got live dates. The Comedy club of Kansas City coming up. That is March 14th and the 15th as well. Both great standups and sharp tongue. Name of the podcast as well. All right, so then, movies. So I guess Joe's got some that we can wet our whistle with and then we can offer our own bad movies. But what is on this list? According to the list I read this morning, starting at number one is Greece. But there's a little description on there that says why we're not supposed to like Greece grease, or why it's got a bad message to it. And that's. I got parent traps number three. A Pretty Woman is number two. Twilight Four. Sleepless in Seattle. Mrs. Doubtfire, Breakfast Club. Breakfast Club is like, these kids are delinquents. They learn nothing and they went home. And it's kind of like.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like most of American kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I guess. Maybe. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they're pretty obvious.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Greece. Like, change who you are for the person that you want to be with. Pretty Woman, a rich man will save you.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with that?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

What's wrong with the hooker getting off the streets? I'm just trying. That triggered me.

[Adam Carolla]

Frozen. They didn't like.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Frozen was cruel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because they're horrible to her and now she's supposed to save them. You got the Parent Trap. You split up two twins and they get the parents back together. That was a theme back in the day. Somebody get the parents back together. Let's see, what was the beef with Mrs. Doubtfire, which I just saw recently. Robin Williams is amazing talent in that. When you watch that movie, it's okay to deceive your ex and your kids. I don't know, infiltrate their lives in disguise and poison your ex's boyfriend because you did it for the kids. I don't agree with that.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I don't agree at all, pinky toe. You're wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Breakfast Club is no one learns anything. And they might actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just don't like that Mrs. Doubtfire was reading books to the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't like that. I appreciate that message either. Oh, you're right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Some of those books might be Queen Story Hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's Dr. Seuss. It's not. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Titanic. An old lady thinking about some bum.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

All right, I already love that one. Wait, read that one. That one's good.

[Adam Carolla]

An old lady thinking about some bum who she had a one night stand with years ago. And then she throws away millions worth of jewelry when her granddaughter is right next to her. I would be pissed, too.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I'd be furious.

[Adam Carolla]

Just imagine being a granddaughter and your old demented granny throwing away your inheritance. And most women think it's a love story for the ages.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like my mother calling me from the slot machines every day. I can hear my inheritance just being called by a one armed band.

[Adam Carolla]

Would your mom call you from the slots?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She goes. I go, where are you? She's like, I'm at work.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Does she ask you to Venmo her some more money?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's got money, but you know, it's going fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe's mom is a slot jockey. What is it about the Irish and slot machines? Yeah, Joe's mom's always playing the slots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And her sister does the slots as well. And the husband doesn't like it at all, so she doesn't tell him. She just sneaks off.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's what they always.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To the Yonkers Raceway in New York. And so one day they're home and there's a knock on the door and a delivery guy walks in with a big screen tv. And my Uncle Mike's like, what the fuck is this? And they're like, oh, she won it at the Yonkers Raceway on the slot machine. She won a big screen tv?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's such a raceway thing to win. My dad was too lazy. He would just do OTB in. What was that bar game. Bar Kino.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, off track betting or whatever.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, off track betting and quick draw from the TVs.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to tell everybody, male and female spouses especially, or whomever, telling people to stop doing stuff rarely has an impact. All they do is sneak away and go do it. Like you could yell at your 14 year old to quit being gay and all he would do is sneak out of the house and jack some dude off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it doesn't work. You know what I mean? Like, you can go, no more smoking. And then you'll find the guy around the back of the house standing at the dog run, you know, bent over, chipping away. You can say, no more gambling. And then they go, I'm going to the mall. You know, Then they go to the track.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, no, as a parent, I literally don't. I don't weigh in at all. Like in South Africa, my two nephews and my son and daughter all got South African. What do they call the rugby team? The something Bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They got the tattoos.

[Adam Carolla]

They got the tattoos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They all got tattooed. And I see it on my daughter's arm and I'm just. You know what I said? I said nothing, nothing. Cause if I gave her shit, she's gonna get another tattoo, right? So I just ignored it.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You just gotta join em. You just gotta join them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Spring Buck. Spring Buck.

[Adam Carolla]

You thought I was under the illusion as a young child that as a father and husband, if I paid for everything, I would get a vote.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But it turned out not to be so.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there was a different time where you could go, listen, I pay for that. I pay the rent or the mortgage. I put the roof over you. Like you could sort of whip out, you could play the money Card and you could go, I'm paying for that food. Or we're eating. I used to get voted outvoted all the time on where to eat, and I was paying for all the food. You know what I mean? There used to be a time where your vote counted because you underwrote everything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why people moved out. That's why kids moved out at 18 or 19. Fuck it. I'm not gonna live under these rules.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They had incentive to move out also. My theory is money is now invisible. So back when everything was paid in cash, then whoever had the cash sort of had all the votes. And it was tactile. Like, you could see the dad going, okay, what do I owe you? You know, he lick his finger and start peeling off some bills or something. Now it's all I got Apple pay. Like, it's their phone that's paying for everything. Now you're paying for the apple pay for their phone. But in their world, they just called grubhub and they used their phone to pay for the Chipotle that got dropped off at the house. It really doesn't have anything to do with your money.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you give them a green light on that, they get grubhub and you pay for it.

[Adam Carolla]

I formally, before my kids got older and moved out and before I got divorced, just paid for everything, and there is no vote. And then every once in a while, people go, look, you gotta just take the credit card and cut it in half. And I go, how's that really? Like, that's a sitcom thing. Or get all the food from the pantry because you told him he didn't want Fruity Pebbles or whatever. Just throw it all away. It's like, okay, so then I pay for it, and then I throw it away, and then they'll just go buy some more Fruity Pebbles when I go play whatever the gig I'm playing out of town. So, no, I did not get a vote. My dad didn't get a vote either, but he didn't have any money, so it was sort of like every man for himself. But you're right, people moved out because they're like, I'm tired of listening to this old man tell me what to do. And everything was like a Bruce Springsteen song. You know, Bruce Springsteen didn't write a song about playing video games, ordering grubhub and beating off at noon. I met the Grubhub guy at the edge of town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

The B side of one of those albums.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting on his bird scooter and Going to happy hour at the sushi place, you know. No, you were first off, no air conditioning. Fuck it. You didn't get to watch what you wanted on tv. Cause there was one TV and it was in the living room and your dad was watching what he wanted to watch. Like there was a lot of reasons to move out. Like I don't know. Well, Fitz dog, you went to college, right? So that's a reason to move out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but I never came home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you've never come home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And even in the summers during college, I would live somewhere else.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you would?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I was in Rhode island one summer. I was out in the Hamptons one summer. Just bar backing.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't want to sit on your dad's piss soaked sofa and smell his third hand smoke.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did you bring that one cushion with you for memories to college?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, I gave it to my roommate.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you, Jessie May, did you move out? Did you go to college? Where'd you go to college?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I did for a little bit in Syracuse. But my parents were both broke. And then they pretended whenever they had money, pretended they didn't have money. And they always made us work. Even to this day I'm obsessed with lists. Cause my mom used to make us do chores.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, chores.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

So the money thing in our house was a little bit different. But not to act like they had it all together. My sister had a credit card in her name before she was out of diapers.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. Cause my mom was taking out credit cards. She had credit card debt in our name as kids. So I grew up really terrified of debt and being in debt and all of that. And wasn't your dad a gambler? Yeah, I was just gonna say. It's so funny. My dad was a gambler and he used to go back and forth between my sister and I. He'd say he's a little short this month. But that was every week between the two of us. He'd shake us down for Barkeno money. When you were how supported them. This was four years ago before he died. He was shaking us down. He even got my brother in law involved. And I'm a little broke, I'm a little short. But he always also like I left when I was 18, but I wanted to get out because I was in Syracuse. I wanted to explore. My dad, whenever I was really struggling, would always give me a little bit to get me beyond the hump. But I'm convinced now that that was from someone else. Yeah, like I think this man was just shaking down other people to Help me get through my little humps. And then he'd write a threatening note. This is the last time. And I kept all those notes. There's like, a hundred of them. This is the last time I'm giving you money. Don't tell the family. I have all the notes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. It was never the last time. Even right before he died, he gave me a check, and I didn't cash it. Cause then there's always, like, that one.

[Adam Carolla]

How much was it? 40.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Remember, it was 50 bucks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you died, was there an inheritance? Did you get the 50 bucks then?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I love that when people die, everyone assumes, like, you get the will. We owed some guy named Will. Like, my dad was in debt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A reverse inheritance? Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like, oh, my God. Was in the will. I'm like, will was at our door asking for his money back.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a real. Papa was a rolling stone.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He just like to gamble and have fun.

[Adam Carolla]

His head was his greatest line. And when they died, all he left us was alone.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did you guys just become a couple? That was really magical.

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's one of my favorite lines in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's one of the greatest. He left us, was alone. Well, now, this dovetails nicely, because just about 10 days ago, my sister dropped off my dad's offering. Because my dad died recently. And my sister showed up here with a shopping bag. I know, it's funny. Had my name on it. And she said, we each got a shopping bag.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like a scoop of dad?

[Adam Carolla]

No, like an inheritance.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

What's in it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, there's nothing in it. What's in it?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Well, I don't mean to be nosy.

[Adam Carolla]

But I had a Tony Bennett CD which was autographed to Adam, which was confusing because I thought, well, my dad went and got Tony Bennett to autograph a CD to me, but never gave it to me. And then I thought my dad would have never been able to afford seeing Tony Bennett in concert or something, or would have had the wherewithal to do it. And then I thought maybe he sent this Tony Bennett jacket in to Tony Bennett, and his assistant, like, made it out to his son. But my dad would never do that. And then I realized that the Tony Bennett CD that was made out to me was because Tony Bennett did Loveline in 2008 and made a CD out to me. And then I gave it to my dad. Cause he liked Tony Bennett. I said, dad, I got you. It's made out to me. But here's your Tony Bennett cd. And so it got returned to me. So that's not really an inheritance. It's kind of a lateral move there. Although it still has some worth, you know, it's not worth nothing. Then I got a book called the Rational Bible, which was written by a friend of mine named Dennis Prager, who took the Bible and translated into a rational Bible. I got Genesis. I was talking to my sister about it. She assumed she got the same book. But I said Prager wrote a series, so you may have gotten it Corinthians or something. You may have gotten something else. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One was each book of the Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

He wrote a. Yeah, yeah, I just got Genesis. Okay, so I got that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a good one.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. Just the beginning. That's all I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I got the Genesis, which could have been a Genesis CD if you think about it, now that we're on bayonet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or one of those shitty cars.

[Adam Carolla]

And I got the Tony Bennett cd, and I got an article from the LA Times from 94 that my dad wrote for the LA Times in 94 about his brother dying. So it was sort of poetic, but that was it. That was the inheritance. So I don't know. I didn't. I didn't get a note from Will that I owed him a Tony Bennett CD or anything like that. So I pretty much. I think I'm pretty much at zero. But there are people that are below zero.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. You end in a deficit.

[Adam Carolla]

There's bar tabs to be paid.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, you better believe it. I think I owe a change of. Pay some cash right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My dad died when I was young And I was 23, I guess. And I used to write. I'm a very emotional. You know.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You're sensitive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm a very sensitive.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You access your emotions for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And I'm very. I tell people that I care about them.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. I feel it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I used to write my dad letters. Cause I really did love my dad a lot. Even though it was. It was turbulent relationship. But I used to write him these letters. And when I was 18, I took a year off from school and I traveled around Europe. I just hitchhiked with a backpack for like six months by myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I was lonely. I mean, it was hard. You know, there was great adventures, but there was like, really dark times. And I would write my dad these letters about how much I loved him and what he meant to me, what I learned from him. And then I'd see him and never mentioned it. Like Father's Day notes. Never mentioned. Always like, you know, I would insert notebook paper into the Father's day card because the notes were so long. And so, anyway, so he died, and then we were clearing out his desk, and in the bottom drawer in the back, wrapped up in string, was every note I'd ever sent him in my life.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did you lose it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it was precious to him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But he never let on to you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Never told me anything.

[Adam Carolla]

With your dad, Any notes? Any Tony dates?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

So many notes. My dad wrote me notes all the time. We communicated all the time, but we didn't have a lot. He didn't have much.

[Adam Carolla]

He wrote notes?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, he did.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nice.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

But they were. He never was, like, you know, putting them in a formal card. It was always, like, inside of a bill, like an envelope that he wrote, he ripped open. So it was like his NYMO bill or whatever. That's like our gas in Syracuse. So he'd rip open that envelope and then put a little note inside of that. And that would be my birthday card.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you pay the electric bill on your birthday?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. Thanks, dad. But you know what I think about when you tell that story? It's like sometimes we look for the message or want the thing right away, but you got it just in a different capacity. I would imagine that there was some sort of acceptance and closure in seeing the stack of notes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. And it was like, you know, he showed his love just in a different way. He grew up, you know, tough in the Bronx, and, you know, he had a hard life. Really hard life. But the way he showed me his love was really taking care of me. Like, you know, he worked his ass off and he gave us a repaid for college. He gave me a really good life. And shitty couch, but. A good life, a shitty couch. But he taught me a lot about life. Like, to this day, my finances, everything. He taught me. He's like, look, if you're gonna be. Because at 23, I was already doing standup. He's like, if this is the road you're going down. He said, retirement account. You know, show up on time, be a professional, be the first one there. Like, taught me all these lessons about, you're gonna beat out everybody else just by being a pro in this business.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, Fitz Dog special. Very funny. I didn't give it a mention for a minute, but I don't know how it's doing on YouTube. It's got a lot of views last time I checked.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

But is it new?

[Adam Carolla]

When did it come out?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It came out a few months ago. And, yeah, it's got like a half a million views.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But let's bump it up, people. Check it out on YouTube. It's called, you know me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, thank you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was in that garage in my dad's house. And I didn't have. I didn't go to college, but I was living in the garage which was kind of converted to a room, but not totally. I mean, still had the door and the springs and the hinges and stuff on it. But we painted the bottom of it, I think had tar paint on it, so water wouldn't get in. But I'd get locked out of the house at night and I didn't have a bathroom or a shower or anything. So I was sort of left to my own in this room. And it would get really hot during the summer and everything. And it was like, I gotta get out of here. So the second I got a job, like second I got a full time job, I was just like roommates, North Hollywood, out. I just got out as fast as I could, could get out. And then they converted. Never really thought about this. But the garage then got converted back into a garage. My mom's house. I don't think anyone has done this. My mom's house was so small and so shitty that my sister's room and my room where we lived with Kit when we were kids. When we moved out, they didn't become offices or spare bedrooms. They both became storage spaces inside the house. They were so teeny, it was like a walk in closet. So they became storage, I think. And then some point somebody died, sold some stuff and then the house got bulldozed and now there's like a little McMansion there in North Hollywood.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Little storage room for children.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So your dad didn't turn into a.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Gym, Just one bench and two Bibles.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad was out by then. This is my grandma's old house that my mom was left to languish in. I think that's where I got a lot of my. Don't be careful with giving people free shit. They tend to just hang out, you know. My mom didn't have much of a motor. Cause she just had a sort of shack she could live in for free. She got some welfare and she just kind of chilled, you know what I mean? She didn't really have the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At what age?

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't realize her full potential. Let's see what age that would have been. Let's see, 0 to 89 maybe. Somewhere in there. She never works somewhere in Those months, I would reckon my mom's probably best year financially would have probably been when she was like 65 and drove the van for the senior center part time, like picked up the seniors and brought them to their appointment at the doctor's office and brought them back. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that my mom never made more than $4,000 in a year.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Carolla]

For sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was mostly she remarried and then the guy she married had a job. So, you know, that. That part kicked in. But no, I don't. I don't know. I would like to see my mom's greatest earning year. We were actually. I was just talking about this with Joe and Mike August. But my Social Security report, which I have not examined in a million years on this show, is somewhere in some computer. Joe may have seen it. I don't know. Dawson may know where it is. But it is my Social Security earnings, which I used to go over once in a while on Loveline. I haven't done it on this show in maybe a decade, but it was. You guys get this where they go, here's all the money you earned this year. And they just start from the time you got your first job at McDonald's or whatever. And it just. They used to send it to my house. I haven't gotten one in decades. I remember, I don't know, snail mail time or whatever, but years ago, I just opened this thing and it was like, here's what you paid in taxes. Here's what you earned that year. Here's 1987. Here's what you made 1988, it would just go year to year to year. And I was mortified when I looked back on my adult earning years and what I made. Now, Dawson, we got this somewhere. Do we? It's pretty insane if you think about it. Now in the middle, it's your taxed Social Security earnings. And then on the right, it says taxed median. I don't know. I can't read it from here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Medicare earnings.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Looks like somebody ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what they could take out of. All right, so. So total earnings. Fitz, can you read this? Total earnings, 1980.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1980, you made $232.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that was probably at McDonald's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. What were you making an hour? 373.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, it was like. Yeah, like 315 or something. Taxes being taken out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. 81, you made 746. You tripled your income that year working.

[Adam Carolla]

For the flask licker. 82 is the year I graduated high school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you went up 25% to $1,093.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You are good at math.

[Adam Carolla]

83.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

83, you doubled that at $2,289.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm now technically adult and living on my own. 84.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

9,367, which is quadruple the year before that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my first year in construction. 84.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

85. You made zero.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You fucked off at 85.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to my grandma's house and built a kitchen and got paid 10 bucks under the table.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You chilled. Cause you were a.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, she used to log your hours too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she was the worst. I was literally living like a day labor, no money, you know, an apartment with like three roommates, Like a one bedroom, shared a futon with a dude, drove a pickup truck with no insurance. And I said, I'll build you a kitchen for 10 bucks an hour. And my grandma was so mean. I'd go work and like the end of the week I'd have to settle up. And I'd go like, Well, I work 35 hours to Sweet Grandma, so that's 350 bucks. And she'd go, really? Cause you weren't even here on Friday. And I'd go, well, yeah, but I worked longer on Tuesday. And she'd go, yeah, but you're having lunch with grandpa for like an hour and a half Thursday. I don't have you at 35. I got you like 28 hours, bro. And I was like, oh, well, let's just call it 300 bucks. And she was trying to chisel me down. I was already broke and I was building her kitchen for 10 bucks an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But 1986, Fitz Dog, 86, you went to $17,672.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know what that was? That was earthquake rehab for the city of Los Angeles. And they paid like a prevailing wage and they paid like 19 bucks an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, 87, there was no earthquake. And you went down to $2,553.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm an adult living in modern times in Hollywood. I'm in Los Angeles and I'm trying to get laid. Could you imagine? I mean, following year was 88.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

88, you returned to the 85 level of zero.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, another fuck off year. I'm surprised it wasn't 0 in 87, to be honest. After 17,087.

[Adam Carolla]

89.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

89. $22,543. Which in 89, you could live okay on that.

[Adam Carolla]

I lived. I was a journeyman carpenter. By that point, I was getting 15 bucks. I don't know. 19.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

90. 6,312.

[Adam Carolla]

91.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Another fuck off year.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Another grandma's kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't live on Zero. That was me just doing under the table, carpentry jobs at people's houses and fucking up my taxes. Like, I didn't claim shit. 92.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

$3,521.

[Adam Carolla]

93.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

3984.

[Adam Carolla]

95.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

$6,442.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, that's 94. 95.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

95, ladies and gentlemen, $36,221.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What are you, Oprah now? You got to move over to the right column because that's total earnings on the right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, total earnings on the right. Okay, so in 96, your total earnings for your life.

[Adam Carolla]

No, just total earnings that year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, $316,000.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. For the year I got in a radio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It all changed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

97, $354,000. 98,500.

[Adam Carolla]

$243,000.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

99. $1,237,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

That's getting into show business.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's wild.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I was insane.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's why we're gonna have no doctors. We're gonna have to do a draft for people who do skilled labor and stuff like that. Because everyone wants to be famous.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why everybody's starting a podcast now.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They want that 1.237 money.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah. Even do podcasts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, so at that point, who are you commissioning? How many commissions are you handing out out of that 1.2 million?

[Adam Carolla]

I probably had a manager and a agent or whatever that was.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, the tax bracket is high, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm not putting it all in my pocket, but from making four grand a year, it definitely was a step up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then what year did you buy a house?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the interesting thing. I think I bought it at the end of 96, and everyone was like, you've been in show business for 10 minutes and you not formally been a great earner. So maybe it's not a good idea for you to immediately buy a house because you may revert back to your old earning ways. And I didn't care. I was like, I'm buying a fucking house. I'm doing as fast as I can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, that's exactly what my father did. He was in radio, and we moved. I was born in the Bronx, and then he was a pa Moved to, like, fucking Youngstown, Ohio. Philly making no money. And then he got his first job in New York where he was making real money. And that year he bought a house he could not afford. And he said to my mother, he goes, now this will make me work hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it did. It made me focus. And I'm glad I did it, obviously. But I did have that sense of, like this, you can't fuck around anymore. Now you have a mortgage and you have this expensive house. But I bought my first house at the end of 96, I think it was. So I just went right into it. I owed the IRS like $5,000. I paid them off. I saved up the down, which was like 50 grand. And the second I had 50 grand, I just went and bought a house.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Where was it? What part of town?

[Adam Carolla]

It was up Beechwood Canyon, under the Hollywood sign, a little bit up in the Hollywood Hills. And I was like out of my mind that I had. And as a matter of fact, my roommate, cause I was living in an apartment, moved in with me because I didn't want to throw him out. Like, it wasn't a rent thing, but it was just like I felt bad that I was ditching him because I got successful.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Was this the guy you shared a futon with?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, that was my first roommate. I probably had like 13 roommates. Like some better than others, lots better than.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

What are you like, as a roommate?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Let's see if we can all be honest in our roommate isms here. I have. Okay, now look, everyone's gonna blow sunshine up their own ass. But I will say this as me, as a roommate, I have generally low self esteem, which is what you want in a roommate. You want low self esteem. And so, like, my last house I rented, which was up in La Crescenta, I rented with Ralph Garman, who ended up over at KROQ and Beyond, and a guy named Courtland Cox, who ended up doing a producer on Below Deck or something like that. But we were all just working dudes trying to make our way. I'm a good roommate because we had this house and it was kind of a deal. It was like 1,500 bucks a month. Everyone paid 500 bucks, but it was kind of a deal for us. And the hot water heater took a shit. And the hot water heater took a shit. And I just went, oh, okay. And I just went up the hill to the builder's emporium or wherever it was. I just bought a water heater and I drove it back down to my truck and I just Dragged in a house and I just hooked it up. And I took the old water heater and I dragged it out to the curb, and I called large item pickup, so they'd, like, come pick it up. And then the next rent was due three weeks later. And I just included the price of the water heater, no labor, and the receipt. Zero labor, zero parts. The water heater was 1-89 bucks. And I owe you 500. But I'm just going to pay you 311 bucks and we're going to back out the 189. Here's the receipt. It's in the envelope. Thank you very much. Never talk to, like. I never said to my roommates, like, you got to help out or chip in. I never said to the guy, look, man, I got a whole fucking Saturday into this, and I get 15 bucks an hour. Like there was not. Or if you open the phone book and called ad dude to come out here, they charge you 500 bucks. I never said anything. Just replace the water here. And just so I had a truck full of tools. So if anything went wrong in the house, it was like, Adam, something, whatever, and I'd just go fix it and I just do it sort of for free or whatever parts, whatever. I never charged labor. So I was pretty good in that department.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, resourceful.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't loud. Like, I didn't do a lot of partying and did that. I didn't have too many girls girlfriends who would, like, move in and think they fucking own the place. Which is definitely dealt with a lot of the girlfriend. Like, at some point you'd say, like, the roommate. Like, you'd see his girlfriend, like, smoking and watching tv, and you'd be like, where's Ralph? He's in San Diego.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like, yeah, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing here?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You have a pink shower curtain now.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of that. I didn't have the girlfriend. I've had a couple of roommates whose girlfriend sort of moved in with them. They didn't. You'd, like, come home on Saturday night, and they were just spread out watching TV and ordering pizza. And you wanted to watch Sportscenter, but they were there. You want a roommate who's gone a lot, too? I was probably out. I was out a lot. I had a depressed roommate with a cat who just started eating. She was super pissed all the time. I was pretty good. I was pretty good. I could fix stuff. I lived with a girl.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's interesting. That's an interesting combo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think I only lived with One girl. And I think the problem was, I think she was kind of going through a little transition. Sexually, perhaps.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's a movie for you.

[Adam Carolla]

We lived in a small apartment in Santa Monica, and she just lived there with her cat. And she was unemployed, and she just was angry that she was, like, unemployed. And she'd hang out all day and, like, at some point, I brought a couple of gals back to my room.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Couple?

[Adam Carolla]

Couple.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Jesus, this guy's rich.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There we go.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's rich shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple gals. Yeah. One white, one black. Fitzstep. I don't know if that means anything to you. Means a lot to me.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Means a lot for America.

[Adam Carolla]

Not too bad. And once in a while, bring a gal back, and then she'd always be really shitty. My roommate would be, like, really shitty to me, and I. And then she'd be like. I'd go, like, hey, man, can you, you know, go get some dinner or something? Give me a little space here and there. It's not a very big apartment, you know. She'd go, I don't know. I have to leave. You know? And then I kind of realized later, I think she liked me. And she was pissed off, I think. I don't know why, but she was pissed.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

She was upset. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She was always shitty. If I brought someone home, maybe she was racist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you just. It was the black girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But it was mostly white chicks, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sun City. I picked them up. Yeah. I had a roommate take a hammer to all the dishes that were in our sink. I had a roommate throw a boot through a big sliding glass window to our patio once.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I had some roommate tried to OD on drugs. Yeah, I've had some crazy. I had some pretty fucked up roommates, I would say. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You guys have a lot of roommates?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Tons. I lived with a guy once, platonically. He was my roommate in a railroad apartment, so we had to walk through my bedroom to get to his. But he's a great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You was good. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Lair Bear. Still friends with him. Saved me a couple times.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna try to think of how many roommates I had. Let's see you guys talk amongst yourselves.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had a. When I was a sophomore. Sophomore in college. Me and my freshman year roommate, Mooney, we called him Mooney because the first week of school, we all took a handful of magic mushrooms and it was a full moon, and he started howling for about 35 minutes. And so he naturally was called Moondog for the next year. So he and I Moved into a place. And it was supposed to be a suite of three bedrooms with a living room and two bathrooms and a little kitchen, but they were overcrowded. I went to Harvard. They were over.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Humble brag.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I went to Boston. I went to Boston University. And so they doubled up. And so they took three of the star football players, you know, BU Division 1.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, big guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And one is the captain of the team, one is the star running back, and another guy is a big defensive tackle. And so they move these guys in. And so me and the Moondog took one bedroom, and then two of the football players took another one and then third bedroom. They had a kid from India named Punjab, and he had a football player as a roommate.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, my gosh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was the most meek, like, little Indian guy. So anyway, me and the Moondog were on a tear. And we would drink until five in the morning. And then these guys would have to wake up at five in the morning because they had practice before classes started. And then they would start to yell at us for keeping them up. Partying in the living room. And then their season, they went 0 and 6. And then all of a sudden they started drinking with us at night. And then they. And then we just became, like, best friends. And they were. They were bouncers at all the bars in town that we wanted to go to when they used to get us in.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

And the football players turned into bouncers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, most football players worked into.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

The bouncers during school, as I see. I thought that they went on to that. I was like, that's an interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no one became a state cop. But anyway, we converted them. They lost all the games that season. Kevin McCarthy.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's your fault. Your bad influence.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a partial list of roommates I just wrote down. Now, does this count as a roommate? I moved into Joyce Laufer's house when her daughter moved off and went to college. And I just rented a room. It was just me and a woman who was trapped in the 70s living together in this house up in Valley Village or something like that. Does that count? I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know if it counts, but it's a pilot for the USA Network for sure.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's like Gray Gardens, but with construction.

[Adam Carolla]

I got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Picture him with, like, tarp over his head.

[Adam Carolla]

7, 8, 9, 10. I guess I've had about 11 or 12 roommates.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's a good run.

[Adam Carolla]

I had one roommate. Tell me what you guys think of this. I had a roommate that we got rid of. So it was three of us living in a one bedroom apartment, and we wanted to get rid of one of our roommates, but we were friends with him. Everyone was friendly. We didn't want to tell him, hey, you got to pack it in and get out. So. So I called my landlord, who was named Jim Posal, and I said, hey, Jim. It was a funny conversation. I called him and I go, I don't know if you know this, but there's three of us living in your one bedroom. And he goes, it says on the lease you can only have two. And I go, yeah, I know. That's why I'm calling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not you reporting you dropped a dime on yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

And he goes, hey, you're only allowed two. I go, I know, I know, I know. And I'm here to tell you that there's three. So that's obviously against the lease, you know, we're breaking the provisions of the lease. And he goes, well, I'm gonna. You can't do that. I go, yeah, I know, I know, I know. Could you put that in the form of a letter? And he's like, you're damn right I'm putting it in the form of a letter. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, send that over. And he goes, he keeps going. You can't have three people living up. I go, I know, Perfect, perfect. Just write it down. Put it. Make it look real official, you know? And so he does. So like four days later, I have to pretend like I'm with my roommates. I'm like, oh, Jesus, got a letter from Jim Posal here. Oh, man, that can't be good news. What's going on in here? Open it up. Oh, dear me. Oh, gosh, he's on to us. She found out. I wonder who ratted us out. He was a guy in 3C, that little Quimby. I know, he rat us out. Anyway, one of us has got to move. He's on to us. Yeah, someone's got to move out. Can't be me. I can't go back home. You know, my parents, there's cars parked where my bed used to be, you know, and I can't go back home. And my other roommate's like, yeah, I got saved. I can't get back in. And we looked at the guy we wanted to move out. Like, sorry, man. But you know, and he. He was like, oh, man, he never knew it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you think he listens to the.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Now he does, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now he's all successful and everything's good. So he dodged you up all now, look, I was trying to not hurt any feelings. I was trying to do it in a tactful way. I thought that was an all right angle I pulled.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You'd be a great politician.

[Adam Carolla]

I would, right?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You'd be a great. You should be the governor. You're like the right type of right.

[Adam Carolla]

I got the right mentality to govern. Right?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was very diplomatic what I did with Jim Posal.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I think you'd be good. And I could help you with your transition. I can help with makeup and your hair. If you wanted to be California governor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I could help you out.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the gel. I'll get the teeth whitener.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You don't have to go full. You can keep your package and then go back after when you're done serving the state.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when they get into the appropriate attire. They're wearing the suit for all the speeches. But at some point, when they look at the devastation, they're wearing the fleece thing with the crest on it. You know what I mean? That's my examiner. And the devastation look, you know, they bounce around with their looks, their athletic wear.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

They're like destruction athletic wear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you got a fire department hat.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, yeah, for sure. That has a tag on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst nightmare for your town is the governor showing up in a windbreaker. That means devastation. Like when he's wearing a wind. If he's wearing a three piece suit, he's just rattling the can. That's a fundraiser. When he shows up in the windbreaker, that's a bad sign. That meant there was a catastrophic fill in the blank. Just blew through here. All right, screw the movies. We'll do that tomorrow. Let's. Rudy's out there. Rudy's gonna come in, he's gonna do the news and we'll do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's how you know it's a good podcast. When you guys come up with some segment that we don't do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Screw it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

We started it and said screw it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we're still good.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

We didn't get to enter our movies.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the opposite of the governor in a week. It's the podcast. Opposite of the governor in the windbreaker. It's a good sign.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You have to admit, Gavin does have great political hair. You can't take that from him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. I think cost him.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's a good hairstyle.

[Adam Carolla]

He does have a look and it is funny. I am always intrigued that when a guy kind of looks the part, he's Halfway home. It's my. Here's what it is. I always say this. If you ask 7 year olds, who would you like to fly this airplane? And you show them a picture of George Clooney, and then you show them a picture of Lou Perlman who used to manage the Backstreet Boys or whatever, and you show them a picture of that guy. Every eight year old goes, I want that guy. I want that guy with the good jaw, he's flying the plane. And you go, what if I told you he's never been in a plane? And they go, I don't care, I like that guy. I want that guy. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who do you think is the most presidential looking president we've ever had?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we'd have to break it up because it's old school and new school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like when we were, let's say from 1960 on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when we were growing up, they all looked like, they were like the same look as if you go into a country club and they have the president's portraits from the 60s and the 50s, like Gerald Ford looked that dude, but now it's more. Obama's got the vibe, you know what I mean? We've transitioned.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

There's the one. All of them have looked the same except for, except for Obama, just white guy with hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Trump doesn't look. I mean, nobody, they all had that sort of Mr. Tate from Bewitched look.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It could have been 35, could have been 70, you have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Just widow's peak, three piece suit, you know, cigar, you know, little puffy. Yeah, little puffy.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Bill Clinton. I think Bill Clinton was very presidential. Yeah, he looked very.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he was, I think he was the first non presidential presidential looking guy. Yeah, because he, you know, Wayfair sunglasses, playing saxophone, talked about his boxer shorts on mtv.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, he's cool. He brought a little pizzazzle personality to the political party.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was sexy. Yeah, he got the female vote, that's for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll bring Rudy in here, we'll do some news right after this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV Stream now pay Never. Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Kroll the show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well, BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to Betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Betonline Bet online. The game starts here. Morgan and Morgan. Life can be a little crazy sometimes. And one person's negligence can result in another person's settlement. Hopefully that'll be you. If you're ever injured, you check out my good friends over at Morgan and Morgan, America's largest injury law firm. Over 100 offices nationwide and more than 1,000 lawyers. They got more than $20 billion recovered from over 500,000 cases. That's right. They got a lot of clients and they've recovered a lot over the years. Morgan and Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you a full and fair compensation for what you deserve. Going on the road and doing stand up every weekend can be difficult. At least I make it look hard. But submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is easy. It's Morgan and Morgan, right, Dawson? If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, go to forthepeople.com Adam or dial pound law pound 529 from your cell phone. That's f o r the people.com Adam or pound law pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement. All right, New Year's resolution. Vow to eat healthier. But what about your beloved pets and their nutrition? Yeah, you're doing better. But they're getting a bunch of Dr. Up old kibble. Dr. Dennis Black created rough greens and meow greens to bring their dead food back to life with live vitamins and minerals, probiotics, enzymes, omega oils, antioxidants and more. See, pet food is dead food. And eat dead food. Soon enough you're going to join it. You need to bring it to life. Life all by the way in a tasty formula your dog or cat will love. It'll improve their coat, digestion, energy and mean less Vet bills. I've been doing this with Phil holding the sack right now. Vita Smart. You don't have to buy food and keep it in the refrigerator. You just sprinkle this on top of the food you're currently serving your dog or your cat. Get a jump start trial bag. It's normally 20 bucks. It's free with the promo code Adam. You just cover shipping. It's a free Jumpstart trial bag. That's it. You just go to ruffgreens.com use the code ADAM. Try it out for free. Your dog's going to love it. And you'll notice the difference quickly in your dog's vigor and health. Rough greens. So good your pet will ask for it by name. In the spirit of Murrow, Jennings Cronkite. Here's another great moment in local news.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Police confirmed it. She had this to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Take a listen.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

We just started seeing all these cars pull up, doors open, groups of men running up our street, going up to the doors of these houses. And we weren't sure what was going on. I'm thinking, are these people here to help my neighbors? I hope so. And I left. And then my husband talked to the police and said, what are those guys doing? These guys don't live here. Get them out. My next door neighbor said his quote, there were like a hundred people that came up on scooters and were trying to get into any and all houses on the street. And did you physically see police officers are stopping them? I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great moment in local news. Now back to the Adam Carolla show. Yeah, looters. We were. I mean, we've been looting in this city. Sort of ongoing slow motion looting at the Rite Aid or at the Prada store, wherever, wherever we may be sort of for a while. I think we're. I think we're acclimated to loot looting. I think I feel like I'm used to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're building it into the budget.

[Adam Carolla]

They're building looting in.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, they have lost budget.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we'll have to start doing in our homes what they do at the Save on or the Thrifties or the Rite Aid where we just start putting our toothpaste in cages. Yeah, put our universal remote in the cage. Like, we'll just cage it off. And then, like when the looters show up, I'll be like, I have to. This isn't my department. I do home goods over here. We gotta get my old lady. If you want to get this prescription drugs or whatever. I Don't have the key, but hold on, I'll see what I can do. You just push that buzzer. Someone will show up at some point and help you loot.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You could get a security guard who just sits on their phone all day to stand by the door.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, like I said yesterday, I've said it before. They have those. My invention is. You know, they have those plastic owls that are on the signs, like so the birds don't shit all over the place or. I don't know. That's exactly what it's for. They figured it out, but they put the stupid plastic. Plastic Korean with the hunting rifle right on top of the room.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Korean hunting rifle? What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, well, it's a Korean. It's my plastic Korean. But we do a nice job on them, you know what I mean? We used. I don't know who's a famous Korean. Maybe some guy from. Yeah, Kim Jong Un. He's a little paunchy. I'm looking for fit Korean, you know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Korean who's a Korean?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know who it is. I know it is. There's an MMA fighter called the Korean Zombie. It's right in his name. You guys know what I'm talking about. Real fit, mad MMA skills, that guy. You know, we lay him up like they do with porn stars when they're doing the pl. You know, they're doing the rubber pussy version of Christy Canyon or Ron Jeremy's dick or whatever we make. We use a Korean zombie. We get the 30 06. You know, we don't put rounds in it. Obviously it's a plastic Korean and we just straddle him on top of the roof. No more looters.

[Rudy Pavich]

Wow. Do we tie a necktie around their head?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, like a Rambo type bandana thing.

[Rudy Pavich]

That was my favorite part about watching all the old videos from the LA riots back in the 90s was those dudes up on the top of the liquor store actually took like a necktie and tied it around like they were going kamikaze style.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love that. I hope you take inspiration.

[Adam Carolla]

Take this in the spirit, which is Tanya, Rudy, you dress your plastic Korean the way you want.

[Rudy Pavich]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me do what I do. That's right. Okay.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I can do their own fashion.

[Adam Carolla]

I put my guy in fatigues. I'm old school. I do turn the cap backward, which, you know, that means it's go time.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you want to do the sort of frat guy with the tie around the thing, that's fine.

[Rudy Pavich]

Rolled up Sleeves on, the button up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I like that. I may even put a smock on my guy. Like, he works at the house, you know what I mean? And he grabbed his gun and went up to the roof, you know, like.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Kitchen staff or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, these guys worked at liquor stores in South Central, you know, so all the South Central liquor stores were owned by Koreans. And then folks who lived in South Central thought they were gonna help themselves to some cools and pineapple soda. I'm not gonna say what race they were. And these guys at some point got up on the roof and just started shooting people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My Korean, I'm going North Korean, he's gonna have, like, a little. The Communist flag on the shoulder, and he's gonna have a look on his face like, if I don't take you out, they're gonna put my family in an encampment somewhere. He means business.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I'm gonna go Disney. I'm going like. I think I just might go with one of my favorite movies and just do a Mulan move. Because people wouldn't expect her to have such power, right? I think you'd be like, oh, let's. Well, just little girl on the roof. But then you're like, what's she gonna do? You might be more terrified.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't be humiliated by her.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to. Korean.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going with whatever you guys got going on. I'm going different. I'm going different.

[Rudy Pavich]

Squid game.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, Going squid game.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we have. Is there any footage of the LA riots with the Koreans on the roof? But it's good. I've been talked about this quite a bit, Fitz Dog. The full military uniform's a little on the nose for me, but I like where your head's at because it says authority. But I'm looking for guy who was working at the liquor store who grabbed his hunting rifle and sprinted to my house. I want a little bit of a on the fly kind of vibe to it, you know what I mean?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Behind the cash register. Like, it's his cash register.

[Adam Carolla]

And I called him, and he hightailed it up to my place and got up on the roof.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, you upgrade for the automatic spritzer to make it look like there's a little glisten of sweat on his brow before he starts popping caps.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to. Like I said, it'll be enough eventually. But eventually, the seagulls caught on to the plastic owls. You know what I mean? There's no fear Anymore, you're only gonna get through so many natural disasters and so many riots with your Korean. Your fake Korean, rooftop Korean, you know what I mean? And you know what? When all's clear during the holidays, put a Santa beard on him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Just come lean him up against the chimney. Santa's lost him. He's got a hunting rifle. Don't worry about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Ho Ho probably is his last name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

See, they got the tie around the head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They got the tie around the head. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

This looks like squid games to be for real.

[Adam Carolla]

Blow up that picture. I mean, there are, wow, five Koreans.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's badass.

[Adam Carolla]

With hunting rifles. And they got the Cobra Kai bandana tied around their head. And they're just up there shooting at anyone who's coming down to bust into their quick E Mart. Super effective. You can talk all you want about, like, healing the city and doing the right thing and coming together, or you can just throw a Korean on the roof and they stop lighting fires, like, super, super fast.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, I mean, looting's been going on forever. Wasn't the country basically founded on looting?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not Korea.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Let's be real.

[Adam Carolla]

Korea's had Koreans on their roof the whole time.

[Rudy Pavich]

You know, I was thinking about this because back in Minneapolis, we had riots not that long ago, and there were a lot of business owners. Even though there's a lot that say, no, that wasn't the case. That when shit started going down and people started lighting buildings on fires, they were like, you know what? I would like my building to also go up in flames so I can have insurance pay for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've lost it.

[Rudy Pavich]

We've lost our way. Koreans protect theirs. Back in the day, man, like Minneapolis, they were like, no, we hate this building. Building is a piece of shit. We're trying to get people moved out. Go ahead and light my business.

[Adam Carolla]

With all due respect, especially after your devastating loss of my Rams. You got Somalis over there. You got skinny people trying to hijack liquor stores.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, you are right.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have Koreans. You know what I mean? You can't defend. Look, you need a super tanker brought to Somalia. That's your people. You need a liquor store protected. That's us. That's Koreans. You understand? You needed more Koreans over there when the shit went down. You had Somalis, skinny guys, trying to pronounce the captain's name. Yeah, not gonna work.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Terrifying.

[Rudy Pavich]

They're great on the water. That's what.

[Adam Carolla]

They're good on the water. They're the Water people. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

All the lakes, the balls to take over a boat.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird that you remember the bandana. I forgot the Cobra Kai bandana around their heads.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Because I had gone for Halloween as a rooftop.

[Adam Carolla]

As a rooftop piranha.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That's how I knew Rudy. I don't doubt it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you go rooftop to rooftop?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

So two years in a row, I went as Korean rooftop guy. And then the year after this was right after 9 11. The year after 9 11, I had a huge beard growing out and 22 years old. I look back on this and think, God damn it. But I went to Home Depot, and I got, like, a piece of wooden. Like a railing. You know, the roll. I don't know what you want to call it.

[Adam Carolla]

A dowel. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

So I got a dowel probably about, I don't know, six feet long, and I chopped it into eight pieces, and I made a small bomb. I fashioned a bomb with screws on top of it and then wrapped wire around it. And then.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Suicide.

[Rudy Pavich]

Put a towel on my head and went out that night. And there was a couple of marines that were like, dude, we're gonna give you an opportunity to go home and change.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was like, you know what? I think you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Hindsight, 20 20. But I was 22, man. Like, you know, that's what you do when you're 22.

[Adam Carolla]

I went and black faces Mr. T. And I'm offended.

[Rudy Pavich]

Did you realize that was a week ago?

[Adam Carolla]

Pull up the photo, guys.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Dawson, pull up the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, if you don't think there's a photo. There is a photo. Me as Mr. T. But, you know, I shaved my head. I grew out the beard. I did the whole nine yards. I went full Mr. T. And like I said, you will see a picture.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Is that Jim Carrey as Fire Marshal.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill next to you, Mr. T? No, that's my buddy Ray. Tried to drag me out in the street. Nick. Naked when I was many years ago in my driveway. Yeah. Went full head shave. Went for the full black makeup. Went chains. Chains did the whole thing.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

See, that's a security guard you can keep in your house to protect your house.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy should be on your roof right now. Take care. I pity the fool who loots in Bel Air.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's not just black face. You did your arms and your neck and your ears.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It's black sole.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to do your whole body. Well, Mr. T went sleeveless, so what are you gonna. You can't wear a cardigan sweaters. Mr. T. Fitz dog, you gotta go full black.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You guys commit to your Halloween costumes more than you do people in your life. This is amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My buddy Ray went as a Hare Krishna. Shaved his head right on the spot. He didn't even know he was going as a Hare Krishna. He came walking to my friend Todd's apartment. I was getting my head shaved as Mr. T. And he just came walking in. He went, what are you guys doing? I'm going to Smith T. And my friend Todd had his wall razor out, his buzzer out, you know, and he was like, you're going to Smith T. I go, yeah. And he goes, okay, all goes to Hare Krishna. Shave my head, but leave. Leave 8 inches of it in the back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And nobody shaved their head back then. That was a strong.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking like 1984. Like people all look like they were in the band the romantics in 80 fucking 4. Like shaving your head was meant. All right, you're not going to get la. At least went for it.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You all shaved your head, but you.

[Adam Carolla]

Also had no surprise. This was the year you made $0. No, the year $0. I never forget. I walked into my dad's kitchen the next day. He was like, I had washed off the black face, but I still had the Mr. T haircut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad was a man of few words, but he just. He just looked at me and he. He went, you're trying to get a job. And I was like, yeah, I'm looking for a job. And he's like, good luck. And he just walked in like, there's already. Look, you're a shit high school student. You fucking have no skill set. And now you have this haircut in 1984. You're not getting a job anytime soon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your ear is black.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He didn't try to persuade you though, like you were talking about before? He didn't try to push you. He just let you walk around in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, he's just go back to the garage and shit into a decorative popcorn tin. You'll be fine.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

At least he didn't pee on the couch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When I was 13, I dressed up as an abortion.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I put a hanger around my neck and ketchup all over my face. And all the guys were dying and every girl was so fucking upset they wouldn't talk to me for a while.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Cause their babies literally died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. I love sacrifices.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the inappropriate at Halloween. That's a coffee table book right here.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, it is. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

You know like back before you could get canceled. Back before pronouns. Like back before any kind of civic judgment was going on. Here's what dudes dressed like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we also, the default outfit was homeless guy.

[Adam Carolla]

It was bum.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They called it a bum. But we were homeless people. Like, literally nine out of ten guys were like a ripple ripped up peacoat and garbage sticking out of your shirt.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I bet a lot of those guys are actually homeless now.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, I remember my mom helping me tie the handkerchief to the end of a stick for my hobo costume.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my buddy Ray, you saw in that picture, went to school on Halloween at North Hollywood High as just a black guy. He just went black dude.

[Rudy Pavich]

He was just black dude.

[Adam Carolla]

That was an outfit. I mean, it's like, well, you had to be something different than what you were.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Did he work go as white person? Anybody see that?

[Adam Carolla]

The standard move, our standard younger move when we didn't have any money for outfits or anything, is because it was around football season, your sister would wear your football uniform. This is like peewee football. Like 12. You dress in their cheerleading outfit and they dress in your football uniform. And that way there's no money, money spent, no DNA, you know, no issues. Just, here's that, here's this. Didn't have to buy anything. Didn't have to make anything out of a toilet paper roll and foil or go to the Home Depot and dice up some closet pole or any of that stuff. That's what you're talking about, you know, 6 foot inch and 38 wooden dowel closet pole. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

And there's. I worked at a radio station at the time, and they printed in our yearly calendar a photo of me in that costume. Oh, yeah, man. So I could call somebody right now and be like, send that photo. It's around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

So hopefully it sits in a vault for a long time. We tried to go. Me and a couple friends tried to go the year that family guy put out the bit. Prom night dumpster baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you remember when they did that?

[Rudy Pavich]

Is that prom night dumpster baby? Yeah, we tried. Girlfriends were like, you guys do it. We're done. That was the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Now there's a great one. Speaking of hearkening back to politicians, I think it was Ralph Northam or something. Remember a few years ago there was like a fraternity book or a student book from college or something, and one guy was in blackface and the other guy was a Klansman who was standing next to him and he got popped. He got called out on it.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But he was like, I'm not necessarily the guy in the blackface. Like, I could be the Klansman. Like, I can't really remember, but it was.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, wasn't it?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Oh, my God.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Ralph Northam. And there's a picture of a black guy standing next to a Klansman. And it's on his page. So it's like him with the Corvette, him with the cowboy hat. And then the senior photo. Like, this is college. And he's like, I don't think I was the blackface guy. Like, I'm pretty sure I was the Klan guy. And he was, like, trying to softened the blow, which is, I guess, damage control, right? Like, he was like, I'm definitely. I don't remember doing the blackface. Maybe the Klan. I don't even know why this was in my portfolio.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He should have just said he was an upside down snow cone. Not even to try to say he was a Klansman.

[Adam Carolla]

Was this story that Ralph north, who's from, I don't know, Virginia, I don't know what he is. He's a congressman or something. He got in hot water and he kind of went, I'm pretty sure I was the Klan guy. The way I remember it is he wasn't sure which one he was. He couldn't tell you which one. Yeah, right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's like, but I'm an actual Klansman in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It'd be like me going, did I go as Mr. T or was I face from the A team? Like, I got a pretty good recollection of going as Mr. T. When you put that much shoe polish on your face, you do tend to recall these.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Things because you have mesothelioma.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, how tall is Ralph Northam? Because One guy is 6 inches taller than the other. I mean, point hood, clan. Clan hood not included. But if this guy's six one, that's him. Right? Because otherwise the guy next to him is 6:9. Right? Right. So he's Democratic Virginia Governor Ralph Northam. Oh, he's six one. I did guess Ralph Northam. See, that's my gift. Some people, it's kids. For me, it's Klans, politicians, and guessing their height from their yearbook photos.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He'd be great at a racist carnival.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say that's him at 6:1. Because if he is the Klansman, then it means the guy in blackface is six'nine and a half. May actually be a power forward in the NBA. Maybe that's Karl Malone identifying. We don't know.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, he could have one of those. Pointy skulls.

[Adam Carolla]

What was his story? He did give. I like the story part. Like, here's what you do. You go, I was 22 and I was drunk. You got any more questions? Anyone here been 22? Yeah. Anyone here been drunk? Right? Okay, next.

[Rudy Pavich]

Done.

[Adam Carolla]

Instead they go, I don't recognize that Klan hood, but it didn't find its way into the yearbook, so. All right, well, Dawson will find what's his official story on which one he was. But anyway, go ahead.

[Rudy Pavich]

This is why I always put holes in my sheets. Just in case I have to convince people I was a Klansman. Like, look, I'm telling you, I was the guy. Not in blackface.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why. That's my condom with the birthmark on it idea. In case I have to show up in court and have some person identify my cock. All she remembers is three holes in your condom. That's right. What was the story, Dawson? Or is there or did there. It was an official story. It was good. Do you guys remember this? It was a while ago. All right. He doesn't have an excuse for it. He does say he's deeply sorry and it was racist, but he doesn't explain why and he doesn't say which one he is. Ah, that's what it. That's what it was. He also. I mean, at first he just denied he was in the picture. Picture. That's a smart move. Yeah, I would do that. Like, I'm like, listen, I'm not on the yearbook team. I don't know who slid that in.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He took the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was taking the picture of the clansman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was showing off my. My. Yeah, my photographer skills.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I'm not a racist.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd probably get. I'd get into, like, more trouble because that was not a guy in a Klansman. That was a klan rally. I was at an actual rally. That guy was dressed up. His name was Steve. That's. I invited him over, had refreshments. Yeah. Halloween, if that's what you're saying. All right. In the news.

[Rudy Pavich]

In the news. All right, let's start it out. President Biden announced a $770 one time payment for victims of the California wildfires. We're not waiting until those fires are over to start helping victims.

[Adam Carolla]

So we can go to chipotle up to six times now. That's gonna be awesome. 777.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Fill your tank once.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this one of my. Okay, you guys know my theory. When the guy comes over to gouge you on the plumbing or the electrical or whatever, he always goes, it's $1,386.51. Because if he says 1500, you go, oh, come on. If they hit a round number, it's like they didn't even think about it. Any guy comes over and goes, just give me 1000 bucks, I'll fix your breaker box. You go, where'd you come up with that? But they go, 997.52. And you're like, there's some equation. It's 770. We thought about it.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Number yes, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that they do it. Because if they just did, we'll give you 500 bucks. Everyone gets insulted, I guess. Or be like, you didn't think about this 7 70. Sounds like you sat and thought about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was something somewhere. And they divided it by the number of people that were dislocated and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, there's your dad's influence right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Very good about the numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently, there's a lot of people buying baby formula because whenever they do this thing they go, 770. Doesn't sound like a lot. There's a lot of people need baby formula. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, give them a break. They need some baby formula.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My wife said that's because they don't have to cook it. It's food that's nutritious, that doesn't need to be good. And adults are eating.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're eating baby formula.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's her theory.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I'm try some.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But she's a doula, so what the fuck do I know?

[Adam Carolla]

Is your wife a doula?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. South African doula.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a title.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Man, that's hot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, she's not South African.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. You just said you went with all your family to South Africa. Then her brother, you gave their accent and everything. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You know, he brought his daughter there to get an abortion. That's how they went.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they do abortions at the tattoo parlor now?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, it's. It's what you get after they made.

[Adam Carolla]

A peanut butter cup of debauchery. You want to get a tattoo to memorialize your abortion? Come on now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a weed shop.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, they do the sonogram tattoo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's African circumcisions.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, how did we get to South Africa? And then who had the accent?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then that was my sister in law, so my wife's brother's wife.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how we got to South Africa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that makes sense. That's a lot of commitment for you. That's a long way to go for the sort of once removed family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the third time we've done it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Third trip to South Africa. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

It looked beautiful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you just see the post? Yeah. It was, it was. It's unbelievable. And it really is like, everyone's so rugged because they're, they're. The Africaners are. The white, they're Dutch. There was so many people that colonized South Africa. It's like the Portuguese, the English, the Dutch. They.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You mean they looted it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They looted the. Out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so now Koreans to prevent any.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Of that roof of South Africa with ties. Is it a tie? A Rambo tie. That's what's missing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I go there and I had a bad chest cold from before the trip. And So I spent 24 hours in bed, laid up, and like I said, I have bad lungs, so I get a lung infection. I get on 24 hours of flying to get there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They pick me up. I get in a car. It's 104 degrees, so we got the air conditioning blasting for eight hours. Driving to a game park where we then get into tents and they're lighting fires. And now that we stopped and we got. I said, can I get some cough medicine to the pharmacist? He gives me a fucking 64 ounce bottle that just says codeine.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm like Jay Z. I got like scissor going.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Two cups, toasty.

[Adam Carolla]

Two chains or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Two or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we go into the camp and then the wood and then the flames start and I have an asthma attack. And I've gone to the hospital throughout my life for asthma attacks. And so. And I'm sitting there and everybody else is setting up. There's 17 people building five tents and, and, and the, the tent next, the. The campsite next to us. They're building this fortress. And. And I'm just sitting there, like, feeling like such a pussy, like such a little baby. And I'm just sitting there watching them with my little inhaler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then I look over at the site next, and there's a woman with intellectual disabilities and she's doing nothing. And we just look at each other and kind of share a nod.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

I don't have intellectual capabilities. I just was high. That's rude.

[Adam Carolla]

That's very rude.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, I just was super stoned looking at the fire, and here you are judging my mental capacity.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You had a funny look on your face.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yeah, it Was high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you'd make a horrible Amish burger. Everyone else is like raising the barn. And you're just sitting there with your brymatine mist, sucking on your inhaler, pulling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My panties out of my cracks.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Raising the mist.

[Adam Carolla]

We got Ralph Northam giving a one minute apology. All right, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My fellow Virginians, earlier today, I released a statement apologizing for behavior in my past that falls far short of the standard you set for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you elected me to be your governor. I believe you deserve to hear directly from me. That photo and the racist and offensive attitudes it represents does not reflect that person I am today or the way that I have conducted myself as a soldier, a doctor, father, and a public servant.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Way to humble, brave.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I cannot change the decisions I make made. Nor can I undo the harm my behavior caused then and today. But I accept responsibility for my past actions, and I am ready to do the hard work of regaining your trust. I have spent the past year as your governor, fighting for a Virginia that works better for all people.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm committed to continuing that fight to the remainder of my camera guy. I'd be like, like, you know what people hate more than a black facer? A brown noser. Bitch, A quit kissing ass and get back to work. You got a brown nose and a black face.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

So that video racism had an accent. It would be that.

[Adam Carolla]

That video was recorded on February 1, 2019. On February 2, 2019, at a press conference, he said, quote, it has taken time for me to make sure that it's not me. But I am convinced. I am convinced that I am not in that picture. All right, well, as long as he know his heart, he's not in that picture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, all right, how about this, Adam? Jimmy decides to step down.

[Adam Carolla]

Kimmel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You're the guy. They want you. But the blackface picture's out there. We've seen it. Because you put it on your own show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They say to you, if you make a public apology, we will give you $15 million a year to take over.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kimmel's spot.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. Yeah, I already prepared one. In the off chance, what's your. Well, it's in the club. It's in the club. Box, the car. But on the off chance that something happens to Kimmel, I got something to address. Mr. T and Blackface. This whole Korean on the roof things. Another chapter I need to sort of broach.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know it's gonna be a long speech.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Lots of Groups. You know, there's. You know, for me, it's not just the LGBT community. I break it off. Gay, lesbian, fruit flies. You know, just. I. It's a. It's a scroll that sort of keeps going. You know, it's. Think Barry Lyndon. You know, that. That movie that was like 2 hours and 70 or 2 hours and 53 minutes from, like, 1973. Like, it's a long.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I think it's the Jerry Lewis telethon. I think it's 36 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to get out there. Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You never take over the. The show. You're just always apologizing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna bring Norm Crosby out at some time just to break it up, just to liven it up. You know, put a smile on the kid's face, and I'll come back again. We'll check the tote board. He's up to 13,000 apologies. I didn't even know there that many groups. Oh, yeah, he's probably roll each group.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Out in a wheelchair.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. There's the Jewish community. I hit them later in the night. They go to bed earlier. They don't have, you know, the concern turns that many others do, but, yeah, yeah, there's a whole group, and they're broken off. And we do a tote board. We do the whole thing. I have people on phones. I'm talking to a black fellow right now. He doesn't accept your apology. All right, well, tell him I'll keep going. I'll tell him to keep going. We see the tote board, something comes off, you know, because this guy's not accepting. You know, we got the Korean. I got a Korean guy. He's on a roof of his liquor store in South Central. He's very adamant, very animated. And then, yeah, we do a whole thing. But after a weekend, we'll do it like the Shabbat telethon, where it'll be like the entire weekend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeff Ross comes out and roasts you about all your racism.

[Adam Carolla]

He roasts me about the racism.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Stamos is on drums.

[Adam Carolla]

Stamos is working the drum kit. We'll have a band. We're not gonna get all of the Beach Boys, but we'll get some of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Beach Boys, the ones that are getting along.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. To sit in with Stamos when he's pounding the skins back there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do a whole thing, and then I'll take over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. All right, Rudy, another one. Forget the news.

[Rudy Pavich]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Sounds good. I'm gonna try. I don't know. What do you guys have? Thoughts? It's been a week. I fled my home a week ago. The tennis shoes I'm wearing. It's funny, I was thinking to myself, I've been wearing these tennis shoes for a week, but I used to wear same tennis shoes for four years when I was young. I'm kind of used to it, but I'm wearing the same shoes. I'm wearing the same clothes. I fled a week ago and have not been back. At some point, I need to go into my condo and get stuff. I don't need to live there, but I do need to figure out what the fuck is going on in my condo. And I need stuff that's in the condo. Cause I just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't need shit. You're gonna get $787.

[Adam Carolla]

How do I get back into Malibu is my question.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You get Arnold Schwarzenegger to pick you up and just go up the.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Arnold would have been great as a governor right now, wouldn't he been awesome. We'd have stuck with Gavin. Can you imagine Arnold?

[Adam Carolla]

He did the choppa.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's picking up water himself and dousing the city. All the women are like, ah. He's got his, like, little emotional support horse with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, he's got his donkey.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be sitting on his berthel and he'd be in a Humvee going behind him, and we'd be smoking cigars. You know what I mean?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

He's got war paint on his face and he's an army fatigue.

[Adam Carolla]

See the National Guard guy, and he's like, dawson, it's just been a while. And they do the hand for the biceps bulging out, you know, slow motion.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

We got stuck with Gavin Newsome and his fresh blowout and manicure and tan and his windbreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

And he'd drop all his lines too. He'd be like, my friend Adam is going to his condo to get under pants. He'll be back. And they all go, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Running with a Chihuahua. He's like, get through the chop.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Rudy Pavich]

True lies. Right to your condo, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Dropping me off, hanging me like Jamie.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Lee Curtis drops down in her hot body.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop. And some mains.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

That would have been so much better.

[Adam Carolla]

We put her in a pirate outfit. You know, you're only.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You gotta make time.

[Adam Carolla]

Your. Your. Your greatest.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like, there's always time.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that could be worse, like when his publicist called him and, like, look, Arnold the whole situation about you banging Zelda, it's out. Like it's everywhere now. Like you banging the maid. And he's like, oh, how could this day get worse? And so. Well, it got a little worse because the only picture we can find of hers in a pirate outfit. That's the only. There's only one picture of this 48 year old woman that exists and it's her looking super shitty in a pirate outfit.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You guys are busy doing racist outfits. We're busy making everything sexy.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no other photo that exists of the maid that Schwarzenegger fucked, except for with a plastic sword and black tights and boots on to her knees. That's the only picture. Like, you didn't think this could get worse? It got a little bit worse.

[Rudy Pavich]

She wants to do sexy suicide bomber. I still got a bomb.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You got the stuff, Rudy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Shriver.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, of course a pirate comes in, steals the booty.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, let me give plugs. What do you got, Rudy, you got plugs too?

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. I'll be with you in Naples coming up in a couple of weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you will be. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

I'm off the hook. And then I'm on tour with Michael Yeoh every weekend up until June. Plus you can go to Rudy PavichComedy.com and check me out on Instagram. Rudypavich.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be Solana beach this Sunday. Jay Moore's on stage too, doing a couple shows there. Covina skydimpro.com for all lifetime. Fitz dog. You can go to fitzdog.com for all live dates. That's right, Jessie Mae. Where do we find you?

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Jessiemae.com for all things moi. I'm good and I'll be at the firehouse being the worst responder.

[Adam Carolla]

So till next time, Adam Krolover, Jessie May and Fitz Dog and Rudy saying mahalo can leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and you can get tickets to see Adam Salana beach this [e-mail].

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Pluto.

[Adam Carolla]

TV is the place for movie fans.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Like me and TV fans like me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You can binge last, laugh out loud.

[Adam Carolla]

Sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump Run Forest.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV stream now pay never. Hey fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to subscribe stack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Perolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month, a pittance for all we're going to bring you. Subscribe [e-mail] substack and I'll see all of you in our new substance speakeasy called Substack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker, or curl up with a.

[Adam Carolla]

Surefire hit like Forrest Gump Run, Pluto.

[Jessie Mae Peluso]

TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV stream now Pay Never.