Greg Fitzsimmons on Civil War Fears, Self-Driving Cars + Inside Rick Caruso’s $100M Superyacht

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary: Adam Carolla Show

Episode: Greg Fitzsimmons on Civil War Fears, Self-Driving Cars + Inside Rick Caruso’s $100M Superyacht
Date: August 19, 2025
Hosts/Guests: Adam Carolla, Greg Fitzsimmons, Rudy Pavich

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Episode Overview

In this lively and outrageously funny episode, Adam Carolla is joined in studio by comedic mainstay Greg Fitzsimmons. Rudy Pavich brings the news and riffing, leading to wide-ranging conversations on the (unlikely?) threat of a modern U.S. civil war, hilarious solutions to duplicate city names, the perils of self-driving cars, wild tales from the vintage racing circuit, encounters on a $100 million yacht, and the absurdities of modern fitness and body-shaping trends. Expect sharp social commentary, raucous laughs, personal anecdotes, and classic Adam Carolla rants.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Civil War Fears & City Name Showdowns (03:37–10:21)

• Greg Fitzsimmons raises his anxiety about America’s toxic political environment, half-jokingly predicting another civil war.
  • “It’s just f***ing hatred and vitriol on both sides... it's gonna be another Civil War. It’s a matter of time until it spins out.” (03:37)
• Civil War Reenactor Warfare: Fitzsimmons proposes the next war only uses Civil War reenactors with period equipment—no upgrades.
  • Adam: “Pay per view the shit out of it. Dana White gets involved.” (04:54)
• Adam’s ongoing frustration with duplicate city names (Salem, Rochester, Hollywood, etc.),
  • Proposes grudge matches: “Pick the toughest guy born in Hollywood, Florida, and the toughest guy born in Hollywood, California... Whoever wins keeps the name, the other place gets named like Shitburg or Lamesville.” (05:54)
• Memorable anecdote: Fitzsimmons once promoted a show in Dayton, Kentucky, but accidentally advertised Dayton, Ohio. The comedy of miscommunication.
• The riff extends to absurd “international” matchups (Rome, NY vs. Rome, Italy; Venice, CA vs. Venice, Italy).

Notable Quote:

"A reckoning is upon us." – Adam Carolla (07:27)

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2. Comedy Store Memories: Geechee Guy & Star Search (08:17–11:19)

• Reminiscences about comedian Geechee Guy, his cruise ship act, encyclopedic knowledge of theme parks, and a “take my rice, please” gag (notably cringe by today’s standards).
• Discussion about Star Search, comedy upsets (e.g., Ray Romano, Dave Chappelle’s early TV career).
• Adam’s tangent on how Black comedians seem to get early starts in life and careers:
  • “Black guys get to start everything earlier... I've been f***ing since I was seven.” (11:19)

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3. Vintage Car Racing: Confusion & Chaos (13:19–23:51)

• Adam details the confusing routines and communication breakdowns in vintage racing:
  • “If this was a war, we’d all be dead. Because of the amount of just sort of basic, normal f***ing up we do is through the roof.” (18:42)
• Hilarious frustration with pit crew hand signals (the universal “what time is it?” gesture going misunderstood).
  • “All I could do is keep hitting the top of my wrist and he would just keep looking at me going, what do you want?” (21:13)
• Fitzsimmons likens pit crew reliance to marriage.

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4. Modern Technology: Self-Driving Car Loathing (24:12–26:27)

• Fitzsimmons vents about his instinctive hatred of Waymo self-driving cars.
  • “I pull up to an intersection, and there’s a Waymo car to my left. And he's got the right of way. But I f***ing hate Waymo cars.”
• Story of fishtailing in front of a Waymo, delighting his wife.
  • “As she said it, she put her hand on my thigh... She loved it.” (25:26)
• Discussion on why the sound of muscle cars and action in movies or porn make all the difference in experience.
  • Adam: “People do not factor in the sound enough in life... Turn the sound off and you’ll go, what the f*** is this?” (26:15)

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5. Nostalgic & Inappropriate Cartoon Memories (28:08–30:49)

• Fantasies about cartoon characters: wanting to sleep with Blondie, Andy Capp’s battered girlfriend.
• Calling out problematic old newspaper strips: Andy Capp (domestic violence), Hagar the Horrible (literal “Viking rapist”).
  • Fitz: “My introduction to newspapers... one of which happens to be a Viking rapist.” (30:12)

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6. Inside Rick Caruso’s $100 Million Superyacht (57:59–65:32)

• Adam giddily describes visiting Rick Caruso’s 214-ft, $100M yacht:
  • “A crew of 25... as much caviar and there’s a bar on every level... it’s just kind of insane.” (58:00)
  • 53,000 gallons of diesel, $250K to fill the tank.
  • They stayed anchored and mingled—Sumptuous luxury, but “some places the sea just beats the shit out of you. Don't even bother.”
• Compares the cost of the yacht to a rare 1964 Ferrari GTO seen at the track—also $100M.
  • “That thing’s $100 million?... One weighs 2,200 pounds and there’s nothing to it… The other one’s 2 million tons and has a crew of 19 full time.” (64:15)

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7. Absurdity of Modern Fitness & Body Shaping Trends (90:04–110:09)

• Long, uproarious discussion of how overweight society is and the endless gimmicks marketed (from all-over deodorant to chin Spanx).
  • “Kim Kardashian just came out with a Spanx for double chins.” (90:04)
  • Anthony Hopkins starring in chin Spanx ads.
  • Greg proposes “The Eat and Shit Diet”: eat all you want, but cannot eat again until you poop—a “nightclub with maximum capacity” theory. (92:07)
  • Adam: “What if people start abusing the system like the Jews do with the shabbos goyim... You get someone to come in and drop a big deuce?” (92:38)
• Mocking exercise fads of past decades (twister things, ab wheels).
• Commentary on fitness models: “You can’t use waif models to sell your product for people that have three chins to girls that are 22 and have zero chins.” (108:32)

Notable Quotes:

"Fat means there is a thing about fat, and there's a certain way to get fat." – Adam Carolla (86:26)
"Snoring? Oh, everyone's fat. Everyone is super fat snoring." – Adam Carolla (88:53)

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8. Car Racing, Accidents, and a Car’s “Emotional” Value (35:41–47:31)

• Adam gives a breakdown of racing at Laguna Seca: detailed play-by-play, the dangers of oil on turns, and etiquette.
  • “If you get off the racing line, you can pass somebody, but you’re gonna f*** yourself up.” (34:53)
• Greg asks how tired Adam gets: “You’re kind of mentally used up...you’re really fixated, focused for long periods.” (44:42)
• The value stigma of wrecked vintage cars: “It’s like, on your wedding night, you found out that your new bride did anal with a black guy… It lessens her value.” (43:21)

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9. The Value of Genetics vs. Effort in Weight Loss (101:26–102:57)

• Adam argues genetics matter most in fitness: “Nothing will ever take the place of a great genetic hand.” (102:18)
• Greg's real-world examples of overweight coworkers dieting like saints but staying heavy.
• “Your body has a weight... it just wants to find.” – Greg Fitzsimmons (102:50)

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10. Mock Commercials & Product Invention Riffs (112:00–115:07)

• Extended riff on inventing a “sack hammock” to prevent aging men’s balls from drooping (“sack torsion”), presented with infomercial flair.
  • “Do you know that 41% of males over the age of 61 suffer from sack torsion related injuries?” (112:07)

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11. Classic Movie Re-Watches & 70s/80s Absurdity (69:53–83:04)

• Adam makes his son watch Phantom of the Paradise, Cannonball Run, and other “WTF” 70s movies.
  • “My dad walked to the El Portal Theater in North Hollywood and saw this and just f***ing freaked out when I was 11.” (73:36)
• Explores preposterous old movie tropes (e.g., using cleavage to get out of speeding tickets in Cannonball Run), the vaudevillian non-sequitur “plots,” and why none of it made sense.

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12. Viral News: Preseason NFL Fights (85:24–88:12)

• Rudy presents a preseason NFL stadium brawl, analyzed play-by-play by the crew—men's bodies, fighting skills, and falling pants in focus.
• Adam’s classic on big calves/forearms not making up for overall fitness or fighting ability.

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Memorable Quotes

• Adam Carolla (04:54, on Civil War Reenactors): “Pay per view the shit out of it. Dana White gets involved.”
• Adam Carolla (102:18, on genetics): “Nothing will ever take the place of a great genetic hand.”
• Greg Fitzsimmons (25:26, on Mustang maneuver): “As she said it, she put her hand on my thigh... She loved it.”
• Adam Carolla (90:04, on body trends): “Kim Kardashian just came out with a Spanx for double chins.”
• Greg Fitzsimmons (28:12, on cartoon women): “I always wanted to fuck Blondie. Dagwood? Fuck that guy.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Time | |--------------------------------------------------|------------| | Civil War & City Rivalries | 03:37–10:21| | Geechee Guy & Star Search | 08:17–11:19| | Racing Confusion & Pit Crew Signals | 13:19–23:51| | Self-Driving Cars & Sound | 24:12–26:27| | Cartoons & Social Commentary | 28:08–30:49| | Rick Caruso’s Superyacht | 57:59–65:32| | Modern Fatness, Fitness Gimmicks & Spanx | 90:04–110:09| | Car Racing Dangers & Value Talk | 35:41–47:31| | Genetics & Fitness | 101:26–102:57| | New Inventions: The Sack Hammock | 112:00–115:07| | Revisiting 70s Movies | 69:53–83:04| | NFL Preseason Stadium Brawl | 85:24–88:12|

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Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Carolla: no shortage of irreverence, biting wit, or free-associative comedy, with Adam, Greg, and Rudy riffing on politics, masculinity, nostalgia, American culture, the madness of self-improvement, and the unfiltered weirdness of everyday life in modern times. It’s equal parts social satire, confessional storytelling, and old-school locker room banter—best suited for listeners who don’t mind their laughs delivered with a heavy dose of sarcasm and snark.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, Fitz dog Greg Fitzsimmons is back in studio. Rudy Pavich, very funny comedian in studio doing the news as well. We'll be dicing it up. We'll do all that right after this.

[Announcer]

The good times keep getting gooder because Adam Carolla is coming to your town. August 29th in Provo, Utah at Dry Bar, Torrance, California. Sunday, August 31st, two shows at Mom Said Yes. Yes, that's the name of the venue. Mom said yes. And September 6th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Two shows at the Comedy Zone coming up in September, El Paso, Albuquerque, Flagstaff, and more. Get your tickets for all these incredible [e-mail].

[Advertiser]

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[Narrator]

Searching for a romantic summer getaway, escape with Rich Girl Summer, the new Audible original from Lily Chiu, the exquisitely talented Philippa Sue. Returning to narrate her fifth Lilly Chu title, this time Philippa is joined by her real life husband, Stephen Pasquale. Set in Toronto's wealthy cottage country, AKA the Hamptons of Canada, Rich Girl Summer follows the story of Valerie, a down on her luck event planner posing as a socialite's long lost daughter while piecing together the secrets surrounding a mysterious family and falling deeper and deeper in love with the impossibly hard to read and infuriatingly handsome family assistant, Nico. Caught between pretending to belong and unexpectedly finding where she truly fits in, Valerie learns her summer is about to get far more complicated than she ever planned. She's in over her head and head over heels. Listen to Rich Girl Summer now on audible. Go to audible.com richgirlsommar.

[Adam Carolla]

From Corolla One.

[Announcer]

Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Corolla Show. Adam's guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons. Plus we'll do the news and trending topics with Rudy Pavich. And now a man who's never been misgendered, Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get on the chest. Get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling us, friend. And listen, you can listen to an ad free version of this podcast by just subscribing directly on Apple Podcast or if you're listening on Spotify, you can get it through our Patreon. So we've got links on both right there in the description, Fitz Dog in studio. Always great to see Fitz Dog. Got dates coming up. Gonna be at the Comedy Store in La jolla. That'll be August 29th through the 31st. And then Denver Comedy Works, another good club. Oh, yeah, that'll be 18th through the 20th. And you can go to GregFitsimmons.com for all sorts of dates and podcasts and everything else. Good. See you, Fitzdog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam. I was driving up here and I'm listening to the news and I'm listening to just. It's just fucking hatred and vitriol on both sides. And I just thought, okay, it's gonna be another Civil War. It's a matter of time until it spins out. And I was thinking it's gonna be the exact same states as the original Civil War. Like, if you look at the electoral map on election night, it's the same thing. So I thought, all right, yeah, but.

[Adam Carolla]

California's getting involved this time around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's right. There's a new player, there's a new draft. But I think that instead of losing, I mean, how many fucking lives in the Civil War? Just like millions. This time, let's fight it out. But we only use the actual Civil War reenactors that do it on the weekends in Richmond, Virginia, Charlotte. Wherever they are, they fight out same equipment, the single shot musket. The bayonet.

[Adam Carolla]

No upgrades.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No upgrades.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Listen, I just got done with a vintage race. You gotta push everything through tech and it gets scrutineered. Like if we find like a 20 round clip on your musket. Sorry, buddy, that's not how they did it. It was this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you kill that guy because at the end, the last soldier standing wins the war.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I would watch, first off, pay per view the shit out of it. Dana White gets involved somehow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dana White.

[Adam Carolla]

We watch it, we root. This is not that dissimilar to my thought, which I've had many, many years ago, which is, there is a. There's a Salem, Oregon, and a Salem, Mass. And there's a Rochester, Minnesota, and a Rochester, New York. And it gets confusing at a certain point if you're gonna name lots of different places the same name. And my plan always, always was, it was many, many years ago. I was on a flight with Dr. Drew and he was saying Rochester. And I was like, that's nowhere near where we're going. But he was talking about Minnesota and I was talking about New York, and it got confusing. But if you really think about it, it's going to lead to Confusion, because you only use names to discriminate or discern one place from another place. You name them all, the same place there's gonna be, and the list goes on. Hollywood, Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no less than 40 of these cities that share the same name. Pick the toughest guy born in Hollywood, Florida, and the toughest guy born in Hollywood, California. Salem or whatever it is they get in the Octagon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoever wins, wins. They keep the name. The other place gets named like Shitburg or Lamesville or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The winner gets to name the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Town, the winner keeps their town's name and then names the other thing something horribly demeaning like Possesstein or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you be Carbuncle Berg and you got to retain that title for five years until we do it again. Because keep in mind there was some badass 14 year old who's not 18 yet, who's from the other Rochester, whatever, who will be of age in five years and now he can go see if he can dethrone the guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think we threw a beauty contest on top of it. You know, maybe the girls, the girls that hold up the ring girls. The ring girls. You know, we vote on the ring girls because Hollywood, Florida, lot of hotties, but now you got Hollywood. Maybe we take a guy from Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like Minnesota, with your cheerleading.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely. Yeah, right.

[Rudy Pavich]

What if we merge some of these ideas and then we put the guys with the muskets in with the guys from Hollywood, Florida. Hollywood, California. Now we got a civil war. Whoever wins that now you get to name the other place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, either way, a reckoning is upon us. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just did a gig in Dayton, Kentucky.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Ohio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, not Ohio, but. But I was sent my flight itinerary and you fly into Cincinnati, Ohio. So I am plugging Dayton, Ohio. I'm gonna be at. I forget the name of the club in Dayton, Ohio, for two months. I'm plugging. I probably plugged it on here and then I get to the airport, they pick me up and we start driving into Kentucky. I go, where we going? They go, oh, Dayton, Kentucky. It's like 30 minutes from here.

[Adam Carolla]

You're making my point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The place was empty, nobody showed up. Meanwhile, Dayton, Ohio prob.

[Adam Carolla]

Crowds of people, Geechee guys like. I've not seen this kind of crowd, partner. 30 years.

[Rudy Pavich]

The one that gets me.

[Adam Carolla]

We added a second show on a Thursday night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He used to do a joke. Take my rice, please.

[Adam Carolla]

The only. I only know the name Geechee guy I only know. And you got to look him up, Andrew. There's the only reason I know that comedic comedian's name is when Jimmy and I took a cruise a million years ago. Like the Cheap Cruise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Geechee was the performer on the cruise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're talking 1995. And his whole thing is an encyclopedic knowledge of roller coasters and theme parks. And you can't stump him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you got to bring them on.

[Adam Carolla]

And like in the middle of the act, he's like, stop. And like, someone's like, I was in Six Flags Over Fairbanks. And so he's like, yeah, that's got the Widowmaker. That's a good. That's a fair. You know, it's good for Fairbanks. It's not. Wouldn't be good for.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, did you notice. Put that back up, boys. If you can put that back up. Did you notice he died? Did you notice where Geechee guy is from?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Hollywood, Florida.

[Rudy Pavich]

Give it a second. No, no, give it a second. If they can put it back up. Because when you see it in Kentucky, I saw for a second was like, wait a minute. You gotta be kidding me. Roll on down. Rochester, Michigan.

[Adam Carolla]

Michigan. Michigan. Dude, he's in the mix.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, put him in the octagon.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, yeah, that's the guy. Michigan comes in with the steel chair causing interference between Rochester, Minnesota. Rochester, New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, see, that's. This is my whole point now. He had to tell people this whole lot from Rochester. Oh, which one? Nah, not either one. I'm a third. There's a third. Or maybe the fourth or fifth now we don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And let's go further back. How about Rome, New York, which is up by Ithaca? You gotta fight. Rome, Italy? Yeah, how about that?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go international. Go international. There's Paris, there's Texas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I live in Venice.

[Adam Carolla]

Venice, you're gonna fight. There's gonna be a lot of Italian fighting, a lot of Euro fighting going on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. I mean, I agree with me. This is my view.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the key to the show. Adam agreeing with Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Geechee died.

[Rudy Pavich]

It said last year, 2023, in Vegas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Geechee's big bit was he went, I'm not making this up. And he would wear glasses that had squinty eyes on them, and he would do a Chinese accent and he would go, take my rice, please. And then after the show, he would sell the glasses. Jesus, that's crazy. And they sold like hotcakes, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. So he. He beat Ray Romano for what? In. I'm reading my screen here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably that Ed McMahon talent show.

[Adam Carolla]

Star Search in Star Search. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was some funny upse on Star Search. Dave Chappelle lost to like, oh, God, I can't remember who you should look up funny upsets. Kevin Brennan beat Dave or Kevin Brennan.

[Adam Carolla]

Lost to Dave Chappelle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay. And chappelle was like 17 at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Black guys get to start everything earlier. Black guys are like, I started doing comedy when I was nine, I've been fucking since I was seven. I dropped out of school and started smoking when I was four. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Picture prior.

[Adam Carolla]

They get biceps, they get laid, they get st stage time. When I was 13, I was sitting home staring at my pud, hoping my stepmom didn't yell at me. You know what I mean? Like hoping, hoping I, you know, playing with a fire truck alone in my room. And you guys were on stage and getting balls deep with groupies afterward and drinking Courvoisier. You already had three kids. You're giving up a heroin habit. That was pretty bad. Like you're still in the seventh grade. Black dudes just get an early. They get an early start.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, I can remember that, like as a kid hanging out, like, I grew up in a town that had everybody black. We had a, we had a GM plant. So there was just a lot of diversity in town. And yeah, it was the black kids that were always, they were out the latest. They would get into the bars before us. They would, you know, drive down to the Bronx and pick up weed for us.

[Rudy Pavich]

For us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They got an early, they got a jump. And then it's funny that the Jews tried to overcompensate by going, Nathan, you're 13, you're now a man. It's like, yeah, I'm not going to get laid for another 11 years. I have no pubes and I'm 4 foot nothing. Can you imagine doing that? We just put a 13 year old LeBron James next to a 13 year old Jew, just got bar mitzvah and go, one of us, one of these guys is a man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, dude, when we played YMCA basketball, we would play against the YMCA from the next town and they were black and we were white and it was hilarious. Yeah, they fucking ran circles around us.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, look at any hematite from like 1981 to 1989. And look at any black guy who is between the ages of like 15 and 18. They look like they're in their 40s by then. They got the mustache and they stay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like that till they're 75.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They get an early start. They get an early start on prison. They get an early start on everything. They just jump the gun on us. You know, they're in there, they're growing, they're fucking. They're fighting. They got muscles, you know, it's just they're earlier. They're the head start program. All right. I was out over the weekend doing some car racing, and there was something that. I don't know why, it drove me. It drove me nuts. But there's a. You sit in the car at the beginning of the race. Now, I'll try to walk everyone through this because I don't think people understand, but I also don't think anyone cares to understand. The way racing works, at least in this world, is they have a place called pre grid, and pre grid is where you go to pull out onto the track.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like a taint strip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a taint strip. Yeah. A lot of locals will call it. The old timers call it the taint strip. Now what does this mean? Well, you're in your garage. I mean, you're in the paddock. Now, people say the pit, but they don't really mean the pit. The pit's on the track. You're in the infield, like in your paddock where your car lives. And then at a certain point you realize, oh, the race is going to start, like 15 minutes, 10 or 15 minutes. So you go, I'm going to get in the car. Then I'll get buckled in and in the car. And then they will bring us out to the pre grid and the pre grid. When you come rolling out there, there's two or three people, four or five, all volunteers there. They got whistles and clipboards and stuff. And they're looking at you when you come around the corner and they see the number that's on your car. And then they look down at their clipboard and they see where you should be placed in this grid. So sometimes they'll go, wait there. Or sometimes they'll go, bring it up, bring it up, bring it up. And they'll park you. Doesn't necessarily have to be next to your car, just like in the slot. That's your slot. And then at some point the whole place will fill up. And then you sit there and some guys will talk to their mechanic guys or whatever, but at some point they'll do a hand thing. They'll go, five minutes, and everyone goes, five minutes. And then at some point they'll go three and then when they get. When they do three, everyone fires up their car. They won't do it at 5 because it may overheat. Seeing this, they go 3. And then everyone fire up. Sometimes they hold a dry erase board up because there is no verbal communication. It's all. Then at some point they go one. And at some point they start spinning their hand, which means we're going. And everyone just starts pushing out on the track. So I was sitting there in this race, on this qualifying race on Friday, sitting in my car, waiting in my car, and the chick comes by with the dry erase board and the dry erase board and we got to figure out what it says. But it says eight pay slaps. It has the letter. I mean, maybe you can blow it up more. But it has the letter, sorry, the number that says eight. And then it says oil six to nine, which is, you know, if you go to Burke Williams, you gotta pay extra for oil 6 and 9. But oil 6 and 9. So I'm sitting there in my car and there's no asking questions, but eight pay slaps. Now, eight pay slaps doesn't mean anything because it's either one pay slap or two pace laps. Eight pay slaps is a race. It's the whole time you're on the track and there's a pace car that's going to pull off. So the question is, are you doing one pace lap or are you doing two pace laps? Eight doesn't exist. Now, somehow she got eight written in front of pace laps. And then as I was being befuddled by reading that, I then read oil six to nine. Oil six to nine means there's oil on the track between turn six through turn nine. Which is not a comforting thought. It just means there's oil. And they've tried to clean it up, but they can't get it completely cleaned up. And the oil will be on the racing line because the guy whose engine blew up who dropped the oil was on the racing line when the oil shot out of his car. So they'll put kitty litter down, basically like a long stripe of kitty litter just going all the way up the track and around the corner and down the hill. And you don't want to drive in the kitty litter, but that is the racing line. So it makes it, you know, disconcerting. And you're not sure how much of it they got, but they just go, oil six to nine and eight pace laps. And I'm sitting there going, eight pace laps. What does that mean? What does it mean? All different Tracks have their own different lingo and nomenclature. And so I'm sitting in my car just trying to process this. And she leaves. And some other guy's a pit guy for the guy next to me. I wait a minute, I go, eight pace laps. Eight pace laps. What does that mean? What does eight pace laps mean? And he goes, ah, we're doing two. And I said, okay, good. And then later on, I ran into the woman. Big fan. I said, why did you write eight pace laps on a dry erase board? To give us. You're only giving us information. And it says eight pace laps. And she goes, yeah, I don't know. Somebody wrote that. But you're there, See, you wouldn't just write pace laps. You'd write one pace lap or two pace laps because people want to know. And so you would write two pace laps. So we go, okay, we're doing two pace laps, but you wrote eight. But you don't know why, but somebody else wrote it. But you didn't really check, but here we are. And then I realize, as I say all the time, if this was a war, we'd all be dead. Sure, we'd all be dead. Cause of the amount of just sort of basic normal fucking up, daily fucking up we do is through the roof, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I mean, do you have a headset? Like, can you communicate with your crew?

[Adam Carolla]

It's all sort of hand stuff and weird stuff like pointing at stuff and calling people in and sometimes shooting them and trying to get them. They're trying to interpret what it is you're trying to say with your hands all the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a bizarre thing. I did a race like a month ago. Tell me if you guys have ever experienced this. I did a race a couple months ago. They black flagged the race. They pulled us into the hot pit, which is a different place. It's like on the track, but it's on the other side of the wall. I didn't know if we're going back out again. And my crew guy came up through the window, but you can't hear cause it's too loud. And I looked at him and I don't know how many laps we did, but I want to know if we're going back out or whatever. And I did the hand point to the watch. I did the finger. I held my hand out, I did the finger on the. Flicked it on the top of the wrist. And the guy who's 55 years old, he looked at me and he went.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is your wrist okay? There's something Wrong with your wrist.

[Adam Carolla]

I kept hitting the top of my wrist.

[Rudy Pavich]

I'm asking for a slide.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a white guy. Did a white guy who grew up in the United States, who's 60, who does racing. And I kept. I hit the top. What time is it? And he went, I don't know. I don't know what you're doing with the thing. It's. At this point I'm fresh out ideas. I want to know if there's three minutes left in the, in the session, we're not going back out. But if there's 10 minutes left in the session, we're going back out. But I don't know because I've been racing and you lose track of time. So I do. Top of my wrist. Yeah, he's got nothing. He keeps saying nothing. Then all I can do is switch wrists. At some point I go with the right hand. I don't know why at that point I thought that would yield a different result. It was the same result, which is nothing. I was so insanely incensed that he was not. I just. All I could do is keep hitting the top of my wrist and he would just keep looking at me going, what do you want? Now there's a part of life that pisses me off, which is I'm. There's only so many questions to be asked, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not in this situation. I couldn't be asking him what's for lunch? Or did the check clear from the last club show? I did. There's really. All I can really be asking is what time is it? What, What? We're pulled in. They have 25 minute sessions. We were out there 14 minutes or 19 minutes or 22. I don't know how long we were out there. If you tell me what time it is, I will pull into the garage if it's too late, Or I will wait out here. But what possible other. You know, I'm not saying check the tire pressure or anything. There's nothing we can do where we're at. The only question I can ask him is what time is it really? And he won't. He doesn't know what I'm talking about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you're very reliant on them.

[Adam Carolla]

At that moment you feel a little naked. Cause you're strapped in and you can't move. And so I was so filled with adrenaline from him not understanding my wrist tap that at a certain point I pulled my helmet thing down and the sock around my face and I just yelled, what time Is it like as loud as I could? And he just looked at me and he goes, I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I go.

[Adam Carolla]

I go, okay, yeah, get your. And then he goes, by the way, this is. It's all perfect. He goes, I don't know, it's like 1:15 or something like that. I go, get your fucking clock. Get your phone out. They run these things by the minute.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's a big difference. Like, if there's six minutes left, we're going out. If there's four, three minutes left, we're probably not gonna make another lap. We're go. We're going in. But he's like, what do you want? Like, what do you care? And I'm like, well. So he gets his phone out. It was a weird. Yeah, it was a weird exchange. A weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, look, I can't relate to racing a car. I would love at some point, but you've been married. Well, you know, I've been. I mean, how many more lives? What flag are we waving at this point?

[Adam Carolla]

What is going on here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pink. Pink. What is that? That can't be good for me.

[Rudy Pavich]

Greg's wife gave the sign for choking. He bought her a necklace.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I. But I did, as you know, I bought a Mustang after driving a Prius for many years. And so I pull up to. I'm driving my wife to the bank this morning, and we pull up to an intersection, and there's a Waymo car to my left. And he's got the right of way. But I fucking hate Waymo cars. I just. I don't know why. I get incensed when I see these cars with no driver. I don't know what it is. It's almost like maybe it's being a Luddite, hating the future coming in, you know? And I hate that it's been programmed to. I don't know. I feel like I want to be a better driver. So anyway, so we're sitting there and I. And he's got the. Right away. And he starts driving. He. It's it. He identifies as an it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And so I.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if it forgot to use its signal, it's a she.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a she.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I floor it and I pull right in front of it and I. And I fishtail.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Into my right hand turn. I left rubber. And my wife screams and she's like, don't do that. But as she said it, she put her hand on my thigh and squeezed and, like, left it There.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, it's hot now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I couldn't have done that in the Prius, right? No, the Prius, when the must. When you. When you punch the mustard, you feel a rum. The Prius, like when you flirt, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point. People do not factor in the sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Enough in life. And I've always said, take your favorite Rocky, Rocky 3, Rocky 2, or whatever, whatever your favorite Rocky is. Watch the fight scenes. You're on the edge of your seats, you're standing up, cheering the whole nine yards. Turn the sound all the way off and just watch it again. You'll watch the punches miss by 6 to 8 inches. You literally will see something different because the sound physically connects the punch to the guy's orbital socket. Turn the sound off and you'll go, what the fuck is this? Is this a run through? Like the guy missed by a foot?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. If I'm watching porn and say it's a solid stepsister stepmother. It depends if I can't hear the moaning. Cause sometimes I'm in the guest room, somebody's in the back, and so I get the volume off. I gotta ratchet up my genre by two levels.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All of a sudden, there's little people, there's old ladies. There's stuff I didn't expect I'd have to pull into.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jay Moore was telling me about anime porn face while they're getting plowed, that they make an anime face. Listen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean it's animated the face?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they make the face of an anime character while they are being plowed in real life. You know who you have to blame for this? The first company, maybe Pizza Hut, that put cheese in the crust of the pizza. It's like, we cannot. Sorry, people. We're stopping at pizza. We're stopping at pizza.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We can't keep.

[Adam Carolla]

We got porn. We're good. Yeah, we're good. We don't need to keep piling on toppings to porn. We got porn. We got pizza. We don't need to stop. My son gets. You know, when he was a kid, he would get the churro at the Churro Hut at la. At Los Angeles Zoo. They have to put custard in it. It's like it's a churro. It doesn't. Everything doesn't need to be filled with something or have some secondary flavor that was tacked on. We can just eat. We just have cake. We just have pizza. We can just eat churro. We can just watch porn. Hopefully at the same time. That's A good fucking afternoon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you don't need lube. I mean, sliced, greasy pizza. You're good.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Hold on. Put the custard on the side.

[Rudy Pavich]

I want him to go. Incredible Mr. Limpet with the anime porn. I want, like, Real Guy, Anime Galaxy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. I would pick Blondie, Who? I always wanted to fuck Blondie. Of all the cartoon characters.

[Adam Carolla]

Dagwood.

[Rudy Pavich]

Fuck that guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I fucking hate Dagwood. All she does is cook while he fucking naps. It's like, look at her. She's got hu. I mean, this guy draws her tits and they are full. I mean, he nails it. And she has, like, these bowling pin calves and her hair is beautiful and this slouch. He sleeps at work, sleeps at home. She cooks. And I just want to. I want to get in. Just draw me in there for one day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

I wanted him to be the guy who threw his sandwich at that fucking cop and then the cops tackled him. Pepper spray.

[Adam Carolla]

This is how they invented that. This is the genesis of the movie Tron, I think. Just wanting to bag Dagwood's girlfriend once. I feel the same, but in a different way. I want to get Andy Capps beleaguered, beat upon battered girlfriend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's always got the scarf around her head.

[Adam Carolla]

She's always getting punched in the face. She made the mistake of asking where he was, and he just boom, through the wall. While she's recovering from her injuries, that's when I swoop in. I just put an exclamation point on her views.

[Rudy Pavich]

Why are all three of us hard right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Andy Cab was so abusive.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane, because the missus would literally. He'd leave the factory, go get drunk at the pub, play darts and play darts and get drunk at the pub with his mates on a weeknight, come home at 11:45. She would say, your supper's cold. And he would punch her through the wall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he'd leave and go back to the pub.

[Adam Carolla]

Go back to the pub smoking. And that was. That was the cartoon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The cartoon was. That's what we did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, dude, how about Haggar the Horrible? I was just gonna say he literally is a Viking rapist. Where they are like. They're like storming castles and the king is hiding his wife in a closet in a The car. My introduction to newspapers was the Sunday paper, where there's the colorful, fun, drawn characters, one of which happens to be a Viking rapist.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who. One of them is about how I remember when I First met Helga, his wife. She was so happy. She was screaming and she's like, no, you abducted me from my family. That was the comic strip. That's what a little kid is reading.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I got other thoughts on that. I'll play you guys. Turn the sound up, Dawson. Speaking of sound. So you can see what. What one lap looks like at Laguna Seca and a bere Bob Sharp Datsun. So there's like 40 cars in this race, and some of these guys are a little nuts. Like, I will say, they don't offer a whole lot of. Like, a whole lot of room. And if you see us, if we look like we're a foot apart, we're six inches apart. Like, when this guy makes his move here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is 2.2 mile track called Laguna Seca. It's nestled in the hills above Monterey. You'll be able to see. See that. You'll be able to see that there's kitty litter on the track. That was my first introduction to turn six and turn nine. And you also see another guy make a kind of crazy. Turn her up. I want to hear this. You hear a guy make a ballsy move at the top. So here's. Here's where you see the kid litter on the ground. That white stripe is their stuff. That's their powder.

[Rudy Pavich]

They didn't even remove the cat.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Now you get to the top of the corkscrew, and this guy does a move that's not really kosher. He goes in hard right at the top of the corkscrew, which is. That's a false move because it's not really considered where you want to make your move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that a fucking Volvo? What is he driving?

[Adam Carolla]

He's driving a BMW, but a six 60s one. They're all just gutted tin can cars.

[Rudy Pavich]

Is this the same car that you brought to Wisconsin?

[Adam Carolla]

Different. 510. Now watch, this guy's gonna try to make another ballsy move and fuck himself up and fuck the other guy up. And he gets off his line. So he gets off his line. We almost hit. But these guys. Okay, so these guys just got off their line because they tried a move and it didn't really work. And the reason, when you get off your line, you'll give up. You'll give up a little. A little momentum is what I'm. What I'm saying. Anyway, it's. It's eight. They probably do about. About ten of these. Ten of these laps. Let me just pass one of these guys. You can go to amprol.com. and watch this. If you want to see what it looks like. It's kind of craz.

[Rudy Pavich]

Those red and white strips are those rumble strips that you see on a highway. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You want to go all the way to those strips. You like to hit the apex. You like to go all the way out. You like the. You like to hit this apex, Take up powder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, not on the oil turn now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're on the oil turn. So you have to be careful that. Oh, maybe it's the next one. I think so. This is the famed carousel or corkscrew that everyone. Everyone loves. That's a big elevation change.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Rudy Pavich]

Look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, may. I think this is the one where he's gonna go. So if you get off the racing line, you can pass somebody, but you're gonna fuck yourself up getting out of the turn because you're off the line. So he's gonna try something a little nutty. He's gonna go inside here. And now he's off the racing line, and he's fucked his lineup. And he fucked the other guy's lineup a little bit, too. So he got off the racing line, but he. He lost a little of his momentum.

[Rudy Pavich]

I was gonna say. You're probably coming up on his ass here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there you go. Right? Yeah. There he is.

[Adam Carolla]

He got off the line.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He got off the line, pal.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I ended up passing the three guys in front eventually, but you get what that can look like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How well do you have the track memorized? Like, you know. Do you know exactly what tracks?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's memorized. It's to memorize this track. You don't memorize. I didn't memorize the track. I was with Rudy a couple of hours ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, that looks fun as shit. How big is that engine?

[Adam Carolla]

It's only. It's either a 1.6 or 1.8. It's not big displacement. It's tweaked as hard as you can tweak it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's stock. You can't change that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's tweaked. It's completely non stock.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 100% non stock. And it is much horsepower as you can get out of a small displacement, but it means there's only horsepower at the top at like 8,000 rpm. There's nothing at the bottom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I noticed you were running it high.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to run it all the way up and then keep it up there. Because the power band is between 6,000 and 8,000 rpm and under 5,000. It'll bog. It'll be like it doesn't even want to go there. So you got to get it up and they got to keep it up. Hydro. Well, this time of year I'm already logging miles just living life, travel plans, nonstop stuff. You don't need to tack on more work running around to get that work out. Now that's why I love hydro. It's at home. It looks like a piece of modern furniture. Really looks like art. No commute, no class times, no sorry I'm late. Awkward entrances in the gym class. Just hop on, get an amazing workout. Fits into whatever kind of day I'm having. Hydro is a game changer. Full body workout, arms, legs, core, 86% of your muscles and my muscles as well. Well, they get that workout. 20 minutes and I'm done. For me, that's huge. I will put on an episode of TMZ and I will just watch it and I'll fast forward through the commercials and I'll get my 20 minute hydro workout in perfectly. Go hard for the last 30 seconds. It's solid, it's quality. It feels like it's built to last. It feels like a good, strong American car from back in the day. And it couldn't be easier. Free shipping, 30 day risk free trial and a one year warranty. I tried it. I loved it. You will too. You'll never look back. It's hydro, right?

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[Adam Carolla]

Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla show. Summer is here and Podcast one has a brand new sports podcast. It's the all new Pac Man Jones show called Politely Raw. Now on Podcast one, join former NFL star and pro bowl cornerback Pac Man Jones as he brings you his unfiltered takes, Raw interviews and stories from as only he can tell them. If you love sports culture and controversy, you're going to love Politely Raw as nothing is off limits. This makes for an entertaining and compelling listen each and every time. The new Pac Man Jones show Politely Raw episodes drop weekly and are available wherever you find podcasts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See my Mustang. It's automatic, but it runs super low. Is that something that can be adjusted by the mechanic?

[Adam Carolla]

There's different settings for probably well you wanted it too, when you're just on the highway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also you have a V configuration which has more torque, lower and less horsepower. So you don't need the super high winding stuff. But yeah, it's fun. The guys are generally pretty good. They try stuff, they do stuff. Guys will go for it. People go, is it like a parade thing? I go, no, it's not a parade thing. They go, is it like a celebrity thing? I go, no, no, these guys are fucking going for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are there accidents?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's accidents. There has to be. You saw two laps of. There's 13 classes with 40 cars in it. Yeah, shit happens all the time because they're just going for it. But you will get reviewed and you will get into trouble if you do something bad and you will get spoken to and you might get a ban or something and nobody wants that. But on the other hand, as you've seen there like one and a half, one and a half laps into a one hour race, meaning less than three minutes into a one hour race. That guy, in order to get from 23rd place to 22nd place at the top of the corkscrew, which is the hairiest part of the track, is going to dive bomb inside and go for it, right. That's three minutes into a 60 minute race for 18th place. So that's how these guys, they kind of think that way. So be prepared for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you get your pole position?

[Adam Carolla]

You go out and set the fastest lap solo?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, with everyone on the track, but everyone's got a transponder in their car. Jensen Button, There's a professional F1 racer who was in my race. A retired, named Jensen Button. Nice guy. He won, I think he won the F1 world championship in like 09. And he entered as Alfa Romeo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's like a trans swimmer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's like a trans swimmer. He's like that kid from Penn. He's literally out there As a professional F1 racer in this run group in his prepared Alfa Romeo, fucking laying down the pole position. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

So Was that a 60 minute race you were just in this one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Really?

[Rudy Pavich]

No shit. Because when we were in Wisconsin, it felt like you'd go out. We spent more time getting prepared for you to go out and do the race than you actually did the race.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in Wisconsin, accidents were happening and cars were blowing up and black flags were caused. And so they were pulling you off the track because as previously discussed, shit happens. And when shit happens, happens, they're putting tow trucks on the track. Safety equipment on the track. You're getting off the track. Like, you can have a bad run where shit happens in every one of your run groups. Somebody ahead of you gets nuts and hits somebody and they'll just black flag the whole thing and have to pull the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to pull the wrecking the tow truck out.

[Rudy Pavich]

When we were sitting in the pit, that tow truck came by with the one vehicle that was all mangled on it. How much does that vehicle cost? And what would it cost to be able to fix a vehicle like that?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little. There's a couple things. If you're driving a vintage car and it has some history to it, there's a little like. You know, I wouldn't say it's like a. It's like on your wedding night, you found out that your new bride did anal with a black guy. Now you're still gonna marry her Hagar the Horrible, and you're not gonna shun her. No, but it lessens her value. Her value comes down depreciate. I'm trying to be respectful. You understand what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's very respectful.

[Rudy Pavich]

You put your ear up to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And hear the ocean. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a little. It's a depreciation. Like, you go, oh, that one. Oh, didn't. That one that got almost destroyed at Road America. And they put it back together. Like there's a little.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because they have VIN numbers that. Wives have VIN numbers. You can run them. Yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

I want the car.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the number of times a guy named Vin hit him in the keister. That's your number, ladies. And that's your value. That's your. Your street value. Vinnie got you from behind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. Why are your nipples three inches long? They've been sucked.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of sucking going on. So, yeah, there's a little stigma if a car gets up too badly and then put back, you know, how original. You know, sort of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How tired do you get at the end of a race like that? Are your arms just burning?

[Adam Carolla]

You get. I. I would say you're kind of mentally. You get kind of mentally used up because you're sitting car for a long time and then you get out there and you're kind of really fixated, focused for long periods of time, or you don't have moments when you sleep. You're asleep, but your mind's still doing. I dreamt Joel McHale died in a swamp last night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he? We gotta. Look.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All you have to do is say that and There will be a show with him starring in that.

[Adam Carolla]

His phone just rang. Hey, it's Marty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Listen, I see you haven't worked in six minutes. We got another show for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I literally had a dream that Joel McHale is a good friend of mine. And he and I were somewhere, and he was, like, wearing a suit, looking like Joel McHale. And then all of a sudden, there was, like, water on the ground or whatever. And he's like, I'll just sort of hop to that rock and then jump over there so I don't mess my shoes up. And he, like, it was on this rock, and it turned out he was, like, too far away to make it. He was gonna have to step in the water. And I was, like, sort of laughing. And he stepped off into this water and just completely went down. Like, get smart. Just boom, just right, just gone. And I kind of looked for a second, initially, I started laughing like, oh, I got a suit. It's all messed up. And then it was like a three Mississippi. And he wasn't coming up, and I was like, what happened? I was, like, standing next to a dude, and the dude was like, we gotta go in, you know? But this, like, weird swamp that just engulfed Joel McHale. Here's my point. When I was in the race car, I wasn't thinking about Joel McHale in the swamp. I wasn't thinking about anything. I don't even know what you think about, because I don't know what I think about. The thing is, what you're thinking about is whatever's in front of you. And then you also have to understand, for every three dudes in front of you you're trying to catch, there's three dudes filling up your mirror behind you, which is, I'm not just at the end. I'm in the middle. And as close as I am to the dude in front of me, there's a dude right behind me that's in the exact same. Trying to do the exact same thing that me. And I'm seeing him moving around behind me and thinking about where he is vis a vis what I'm trying to do with the guy in front of me. Because I don't want to just dive in and see if I can get this guy, if this guy behind me is right up on me or whatever it is. But the point is, you don't think about Joe McHale for 60 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's unpack the Joe McHale dream a little bit. What does it mean, do you think? I mean, every male friendships are very complex. And there's always an element of competition. I think a lot of people think about that with you and Jimmy Kimmel. So do you think there's an element of you watching Joel's career where there are a lot of rocks in the creek and he just seems to jump from rock to rock?

[Adam Carolla]

He does, like a sprite.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And once in a while, I've seen your career, and sometimes the rock is. It's far, and you. You have to back up to a few other rocks and get a running start, and then you make it to that next fucking rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But do you see Joel and somehow think, I hope he fucking falls in the water?

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm. I like Joel. I somehow don't have us in the same division.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like a guy whose brother's fighting in the UFC and he's a different weight class, so I can, like, root for him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you.

[Adam Carolla]

If he's in my weight class. Now, there's a little different spin on that. Maybe I'm doing that conveniently, because we both essentially do the same thing, but I still looked at him as a different weight division. And Joel is such an extraordinarily nice guy. He's also real funny. So it's not like you begrudge, because it's nothing worse than the unfunny people who are three rocks ahead of you in the stream of life. You know what I mean? So I've never felt that way about Joel. I do wonder if my dreams sometimes are so random that I don't think it's a dream, and thus I don't wake up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, it seems so randoed. Like, I was talking to Joel, and he's like, he's so dressed up, and he's probably going to host something. And I was like, go across that stream. And when he went under, it was a moment. It was laughter. And then followed seconds later by terror. Followed seconds later by, what's my plan? I mean, I can call the fire department, but he's in a swamp and the water's over his head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or you can call the agent that's booking that corporate gig.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. That's right. And then there's another part of me. It's like, I should jump in. And do what? Like, feel around underneath me for Joel. And who's to say I'm not going under the same way? He just stepped off and went under, so why am I not going under? And then there's a third guy who's like, a local, and he, like, we gotta do something. He, like, jumped in, and we, like, both went in, and then I woke up. But the point is, even when you think you're resting, my mind is going 700 miles an hour thinking about Joel McHale in the swamp.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

But when you're in the car, zero. There is zero. I tried thinking about something. I literally was going through the parade lap, and I was thinking about something with my son, and I was like, I'm gonna see if I can think about something else. Lasted 10, a second and a half gone. Cause right back to, what are we doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's why I'm always amazed. Cause I watched that F1 show on Netflix is how much they're talking to their crew while they drive. They're going through hairpin turns through fucking Paris. And you're like, how are you having.

[Adam Carolla]

A conversation right now that you can do that? I've done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's like another wavelength in your brain.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, you're not that physically caught up in what you're doing in the sense that you're not tense. You're not grabbing the wheels tight as you can. You're not gritting your teeth. You're not. The best guys will be the most relaxed. And everyone's relaxed at that stage because they've been doing go karts since they were four. You know what I mean? So they are relaxed, and they can answer, but they can't think about anything else. But if you say pit, you know, or whatever, you know, whatever. It's always funny in the F1 show when they tell him to go faster.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always the weirdest things, like, push, push, push. I'm not giving a baby a fuck. I'm trying to catch this guy. Don't you think? I'm trying to catch this guy. It's always like. It always crack me up when they do the interpreter for the famous Mexican boxing coach, and he's in the corner, and they come in with the interpreter, he's like, what pearls of wisdom does he have? And it's like, come on, you have to punch more. You're not punching enough. Punch more.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love the guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like, thank you for those words. How strategic. Push.

[Rudy Pavich]

That's why I like the guys who curl when they just yell hard the whole time. It's like, how much harder do you expect the guy who's sweeping in front of the rock?

[Adam Carolla]

What is it gonna do?

[Rudy Pavich]

He goes harder or not?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they can interpret. I mean, you can definitely See stuff and interpret stuff. Like if someone holds a sign up that says three laps or a thing that says eight pace laps, eight pace laps or whatever you can. I did do a professional race where I had a radio in my helmet and they talk to you but you don't talk back. I didn't have the mechanism to talk back. The ability to hear what they were telling me to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And is that available for my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Where there's no talk back. I think we could get that out of my helmet. If your wife were willing to wear a helmet but you couldn't hear it when you're doing the racing because it was too loud. You had to do it during a yellow or when it was was down and then you could hear the guy faster. Yeah, push, push, push, push. I don't know why. Universal push. They speak in F1. There's like 11 different languages represented on that track.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Andele, Andalay.

[Adam Carolla]

But they just go push.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, push.

[Adam Carolla]

They go push. And pit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like the guy on the crew. Rowing teams, it's always the little guy that sits on the front and goes row. Right. I think I always thought it would be more effective. Go back to the ancient Roman rowing row. Get the guy with the whip, drum and a whip.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if you would get legacied into that job. Like. Well, Pops did the drumming and the whipping, you know, he was one of the best whip men back in the day and he just kind of handed the whip to me on my 18th birthday, you know. And I sort of. I don't know if it's in my nature or nurture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, we come from a long line of whippers. You know, we have some slaves we practice on during the off season, but you know, during the rainy season we're out of the Viking boat. Yeah, I like to take over for my dad. You know, dad always judged. He sat in and audited a whipping session for me. Short trip, local island trip. But I did my whipping. Of course he added notes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I did a run with Hagar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, with Hagar. He wasn't, was a big fan of my technique, but I told him I'm left handed, you know, so what are you going to do? So everything's going backwards. You in the whipping thing, you know, he liked to start with the most emaciated and then move his way up to the slave. I start with the bigger slaves and work my way down to the emaciated. And if I have time, I'll hit a few Jews along the way he's got his own technique. I'll start in the back of the vessel and work my way up to the front. He likes to go to the head of the vessel and work his way back. It's different strokes. Literally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, different strokes. And a lot of guys like to use the carrot and the stick. I just use the whip.

[Adam Carolla]

I use the whip. Yeah. And what do I use? I use a bullseye. 1800.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. 13 thread.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 13 thread count. It's a nine footer. And I'll use a. I'll use what I call a trident end on it. It's a triple. It's a triple fork on there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think that's legal in the Adriatic League.

[Adam Carolla]

Some guys use the pickle fork. That's two.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I go with the trident. That's the three.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little. It's sort of my mark. You know what I mean? You can tell?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You can look at the guy's back and know it was me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of the slaves won't work with the guys that used to try that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of the slaves.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. That's why I never say anything. I don't bust it out until the last moment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, then they know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they always say they're rowing as hard as they can. So I can put away the whip, but you know, I like the whip. You know, my thing is, like, I'm not taking any chances.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Rudy Pavich]

Headmaster, I got a blister on my thumb. Do you mind if I take a five minute break here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, why don't we get my whip out and see if I can remove a little that pusa. You know what, Bliss looks pretty good. Get back on the bench.

[Rudy Pavich]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I saw you brought in your own pillow. I'm gonna need that. You gotta share the same plank as everyone else. I can't see you up there. I know you got lower back issues.

[Rudy Pavich]

I got a doctor's excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

Diatika is a friend of mine. I know him. Well, I understand what's going on, but I need the pillow back.

[Rudy Pavich]

I got this from my grandmother's couch. Can I get it back after the rowing session?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give it back after the rowing session. But again, if you get to use one, then everyone's gonna start complaining. They're gonna want their own rowing pillow. And that's just not the way this Viking cruise works.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Notice I call it a Viking cruise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Viking cruise, yeah. Moving people since the 11th century.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now let me see. I'll tell you what, Give me the pillow. I'll see if we can get hagar to give an extra ration of gruel, all right? Because I'm fair minded. I'm gonna put it my locker next to my spare whip and you can get it when we deboard. Okay?

[Rudy Pavich]

Do you mean the hagar that gave it to my wife in the keister three weeks ago when he raped and pillaged our town?

[Adam Carolla]

Not talking about Sammy. And scene. All right. Speaking of boats, I had a weird moment. So I went on Rick Caruso's 214 foot yacht, which was anchored outside of the bay at pebble beach, which is 17 mile drive, blah, blah, blah. There's a pier and you can take a pier and get on these little excursion boats and they'll run you to the main vessel. And the main vessel is 214ft long.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's big. And a crew of 25. You get off. You get on the fantail. Well, first off, they're handing you champagne when you're still in the dock. So I just grabbed all the champagne and ran back to the car. You know, fuck this. So. So they got the mocktails and the champagne on the dock. Then they roll you in on the boat. The boat's parked out half mile. Then you get on the boat, then it's as much caviar and there's a bar on every level. And it's nothing but cruising and it's kind of insane. Went up to the front, talked to the captain with the Italian accent, got him figured on how, like, how fast does the boat go? Takes 50. Fucking metric system. How fast is it? But that's it, you know, everything is. Everything is metric with these guys, you know, so you go like, how much fuel does the boat hoe? And they go 200 liters, you know what I mean? And you're like, shit. But anyway, 53,000 gallons of diesel. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For how long? That's how much it holds.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how much it holds.

[Rudy Pavich]

And a 35 horse Johnson on the back.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. He had to rip that out for him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's $150,000.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's 250 because it's five bucks. I mean, they may get a little volume discount, but it's 250k to fill that thing up. And I'm like, how far can you get on this thing? And it's like, there's certain places you can get to where you need to go, but you can't really be on it. You have to kind of cruise a little bit. You can't use up too much fuel. And it's crazy. I mean, also, he's like, there's places you want to go, and then there's places where the sea just beats the shit out of you. And he's just like, it's not worth it. Like, it just beats the shit out of the boat. It beats the shit out of everything. So don't even bother making that crossing. Just kind of keep it to the cool spots out here. But it'll go everywhere. And it's massive as you imagine, 214ft long. And so me and Sonny are just. We're going up to the top, the very top. There's a hot tub at the top. There's another bar. It's nothing but bars. There's bars and ballrooms and mahogany. And you go up to the front and you're. And you're looking at all the nav equipment and all the electronics and all the gear and all the thing. It's all insane. It's all massive. It's all otherworldly. But then this interesting part. I said, well, what does a vessel like this cost? And the answer is $100 million. It's kind of like you go $100 million, but you see where the hundred million went. Like, it is, you know, it's more than three quarters of a football field. It's got all the different decks, it's got all the inlay and it's all the Carrera marble. And it's to the nines. It's insane, what it is. And all the equipment on it and all the safety shit. And. And it's crazy and impressive. And so I was talking about my son and having a yacht and all that kind of stuff. And it was great. Nice people, good food, a great time. Talked to Rick for a while, talked to his sons for a while. Everything else. And then the next day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you go anywhere?

[Adam Carolla]

No, just anchored. Just anchored. And take the shuttle boat, get off it, get onto the big boat, have drinks, hang out, schmooze, and then get back on the shuttle boat and go back. It just, you know, I don't know how. I've never been on a 200 foot plus yacht. So it's the, you know, it's just as you're pulling up to it, you're just looking up at a 214 foot vessel that's like six stories in the air. It's the most impressive thing you've ever seen. But we were at the track the following morning and I was just walking around with my son in between races and whatever. I said, let's just cruise around and see some stuff. I'll point out some stuff, I'll say hi to some guys. And at some point we went by a guy who I know was extremely wealthy, has a very excellent, very high end collection. And we saw his Ferrari 64 Ferrari GTO parked in front of his paddock. So what these guys do is they roll in with semi trucks, the rich guys. The semi trucks have these huge awnings that come out. All their mechanics unload, set up. They park their cool cars that they're going to race under there and then next to it they have a Singer or Rolls Royce or Ferrari. That's the car they drove to the track. So it's kind of a. It's a little like showing off. You know, you go, not only do I have this huge semi laid out here and all the mechanics and everything, but this. I didn't uber to the track. This is my cool day car. My non race car is a Ferrari. You know, they'll bring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You want to get back to the simpler times where you're on the 217 foot boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Showy. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I was looking and we're looking at a Ferrari GTO. And they vary, but they're expensive. And it's a 64. I think it's a 64. Anyway, it doesn't matter. And there's not much to it. I mean, it's a 60s Italian car. It's not like it's big and long and heavy or anything. It's like lightweight, but it's cool. So I look at Sonny and I go, that car right there, that GTO, I go, that thing's. That thing's $100 million?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's between 70 and 100. Let's say I go, that thing's $100 million. And he goes, so it's the same price as the boat. Oh my. And I go, yeah, yeah, it is. It's the same price. One weighs 2,200 pounds and there's nothing to it. I mean, the one you could fit in Your carport weighs 22 and the other one's 2 million tons and has a crew of 19 full time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my gosh.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, it's the same value. Essentially. This thing, this is the size of a tercel and the other thing's 250. And I was like, incredible. Yeah, they're the same price. But I mean, I guess a Faberge egg is more than both of them. But it's still weird because they're mechanical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's racing that car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he probably has. He definitely has. And guys will race those cars for sure. And they're not. They're aware that they're in a multi million dollar car. But in Goodwood in England, they crash those cars all the time.

[Rudy Pavich]

Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

Frequently crash, frequent. And they go out in the rain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wonder what the insurance is on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I can tell you. Zero.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, they just won't cover it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, dude, nobody covers you. On the track. Everyone's answer is that car is insured in the garage, it's insured on the way to the track, and it's insured on the way back from the track, but it is not insured on the track. So whatever you do on that track, that's up to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

We will do some news because Rudy's got news up in here. We'll take a quick break, Come back with that right after this. Masa Chips. Here's something you probably didn't know back in the day. Every chip and every fry, well, they're all cooked with tallow. Not this seed oil junk that has gotten everywhere nowadays. Then somewhere in the 90s, big companies swapped out that good stuff for the cheap, highly processed seed oils. And the seed oils are now sneaking into everything. 20% of the average American's calories are from seed oils. That is insane. And that's why the folks at Masa stepped in. They've made an awesome tortilla chip with zero seed oils. Just three ingredients. Organic nixtamalized corn, some sea salt and 100% grass fed beef tallow. These chips are great. I love them. I'm not kidding. They're good. And they don't have all that crap seed oil on them. So if you're tired and they taste better than the stuff you've been eating, tired of settling for snacks loaded with seed oils? You should check out Masa M A S a. Real ingredients, real flavor, real satisfaction. Right, Dawson?

[Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

NPR Ever feel like being human is just a lot Sometimes. Like from fitness routines to mental resilience, personal goals to burnout, everything needs a little bit of help these days. That's where the Life Kit podcast from NPR comes in. If you want to move with more intention or you just want some thoughtful guidance on living better, Life Kits. Got you. It's packed with real stories, relevant insights and clear takeaways. And it's about more than self improvement. It's about making meaningful, sustainable change. Stuff that lasts for a while. Life doesn't come with a manual, right? But every day you make choices that shape your life. Life Kit helps you meet those moments with confidence and clarity. I listen. It's thoughtful conversation, unpacking the emotional and practical sides of wellness. Actionable advice, no fluff, no judgment. Am I right, Dawson?

[Announcer]

Listen now to the Life Kit podcast from npr.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just read this. They're gonna put a woman's face on the $20 bill. They haven't decided who yet, but it's gonna be a woman's face. And great news for women. Bad News for the $20 bill. Now it's only gonna be worth $16. And that's. I know. Should have worked harder. And.

[Announcer]

Greg Fitzsimmons is on the Adam Carolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

Fitz Dog's got all his live shows. He's a pro. Very funny. Special is out as well on YouTube. Want to watch that for free? GregFitsSimmons.com is where you go for the tour dates. I wanted to get to this clip I forgot about because by day we're on yachts and at the track, but at night we sit in an Airbnb and I force my son and everyone to watch bad, bad 70s and 80s movies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. That's the best part about being a parent. Introducing your kids to movies. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

We watched Phantom of the Paradise. I know. You made that face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I never heard of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, the trailer for Phantom of the paradise and we can look for that is insane. It's Brian De Palma.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an early Before Carrie and before whatever. You know Brian of Scarface.

[Rudy Pavich]

Scarface.

[Adam Carolla]

He did a rock opera called Phantom of the paradise, which was Phantom of the Opera, but rock and roll. Oh, yeah. And was it? It is nuts. Like 1976 freak out. Everyone was high on coke. Crazy. It's a movie people don't know was made, but it was a regular Hollywood big budget film with Paul Williams.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Rudy Pavich]

Behind that mask was Gene Simmons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't know. Didn't know.

[Rudy Pavich]

Didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Paul Williams. Well, first off, I was like, okay. He played the heavy in Phantom of the Paradise. Record producer, theater owner named Swan. Everyone had these great names, and he was evil, but he was Paul Williams. And I said, okay, we're done with this. We're watching Smokey and the Bandit, son. Which he hadn't seen either. And I said, you're going to see the greatest range in act. He goes from Swan, the crazy guy, from Phantom of Paradise to little Enos, the sun. The sun. And smoking. The Bandit. All right, I'll play you this. 20th Century Fox presents Phantom of the Paradise. A Gothic horror story. What was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Back when gay was gay. A cinematic odyssey through the rock universe. From Grease.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To glitter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of Rocky Horror. Yeah, yeah. The story of a sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The man who created. Oh, yeah. Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

The monster who stole it. And the Phantom who haunts the Paradise. The ultimate rock palace. Phantom of the Paradise. My music is for Phoenix. Only she can sing. She loves the guy. Anyone else that tries, dies. Phoenix. Phoenix.

[Rudy Pavich]

Well, you told me one time that you'd be somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

And Paul Williams wrote all the songs. Man, you better get yourself a castrato for this. Paul Williams as Swan. You ever see Jody Foster in an orgy? But you might satisfy me. All right. It's the craziest movie. I, I, I forced my son to watch this. We watched the entire movie, and it was good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There really is the Phantom.

[Adam Carolla]

Phantom. Phantom. Fanta.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I need to take some mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you don't need to take mushrooms. You'll feel like you took mushrooms five minutes into the Sevent. Forget. I keep looking at him going, that's amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's when rock opera with, like, hair had just come out and Tommy had just come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Tommy hair. That's right. Then there's Grease, and then there's Rocky Horror and there's this. And that's what we did. We did. And he just, every 10 minutes, would, like, look at me and go. I go, this is what we did. We made this. This was in the theater. Your dad walked to the El Portal Theater in North Hollywood and saw this and just fucking freaked out. When I was 11, just went like, what the fuck?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, the 70s was our best decade for movies in American history.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then we watched Cannonball Run. At some point, we actually watched Cannonball Run.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tom DeLuise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I forgot, like, we forgot sexually. Like, we were just kind of talking about Andy Cap and all these things that we didn't really sort of didn't change anything. And those movies were like, they'd have Adrienne Barbeau would be in her one piece Mylar jumpsuit with Susan Anton. And, like, the guys would come out from the sheriff's office and go, we're all gonna get arrested. Our cars are getting impounded, and some of us have priors, and we'll never. The judge isn't coming back till Monday, so the cannonball's over for us. We're being arrested. And then, like, Susan Anton or Adrian Barbo, she let me handle this. And she, like, undo her jumpsuit, like, three inches, little tit. And then she'd walk into the sheriff's office, the guy be behind the counter. Hello. I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything for you. My friends out there, we're right in the middle of something important. Yeah, sure. I'll give you a police escort. And then they'd come strolling back out, you know, and they'd be, what happened? I took care of it. It's like, that was a conceit. Like if you had a C cup, you could just do whatever the fuck you wanted. They get pulled over, going to 140 in a Countach on the way in Vegas. And as a guy was walking toward the Countach, I want to go. You want to do this one or should I? He never got a ticket, showed him a little bit of tit and talked nice, and the guy turned into a bowl of Jell O. Like he'd never seen an attractive woman in his life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then that was it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a weird thing. And then I'm 13, and my mind's being polluted badly because before this, it's all Andy Cash and now this. And I'm looking like, is this how life works?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But what about Blazing Saddles, where Bernadette Peters goes in to change the sheriff's mind, and she balls him all night. Remember that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, wait. Blazing Saddles. Not Bernadette Peters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not Bernadette Peters.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was her name?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, we're gonna think of Khan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Madeline Khan.

[Adam Carolla]

Madeline Khan in One of the same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she comes in, she just bangs him, and then he. You know.

[Adam Carolla]

But once in a while, it wouldn't work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, I was gonna say there's a great video of a guy, a cop, where he walks up and the gal goes, I thought you didn't give tickets to Pretty Girls. And the cop goes, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's good. Well, now watch. When it would backfire, once in a while, it would backfire. And this Is it? They're driving a Lamborghini Countach. Cop cuts him off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is Caprice Classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Adrian Barbogas. I'll take care of this one. Zipper down. Tiffs out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's more than three inches. Lady cop.

[Adam Carolla]

Lady cop. And.

[Narrator]

I don't suppose you have a driver's license tucked down in there somewhere, do you? Yes, officer.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, the whole point. First off, why does the officer have to be showing cleavage? You're sort of competing with your own argument here. You really needed a bull die, right? Yeah, yeah, but. Or just a chick. Right? The fact that the officer is a hot blonde with her probably non regulation top button down below her navel. These are two competing thoughts. Who's the sexpot in this? The argument is that cleavage isn't working because there is a female officer. But why is the female officer dressed and coming across like the driver of the Countach? It's a confusing joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

They couldn't have given that role to Mrs. Garrett from.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It would have worked on Mrs. Garrett. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So once in a while it didn't work because a chick came up. Now, if it was a dude, he would have started stuttering immediately and then offered him an escort to Vegas. Yeah, right. By the way, that was just the conceit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just a given.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Here's my gun. If anyone tries to write you a ticket, go ahead and shoot at him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna give you an escort. All right. But it was tropey enough that we all knew what the joke was and we knew it was going to work. And by the way, the whole conceit with them in the Countach, which is the two hot chicks in the Countach, was. Everyone else had a kind of. They had a plan. So you gotta race from New York City to Long beach to Queen Mary. Right? And you gotta go 3,000 miles. And how are you gonna average 126 miles an hour without getting pulled over? So some guys had the. We're in a cop car and we're just gonna roll the sirens the whole time. Other guys were like, we're in an ambulance. So people think we're in an ambulance. Other guys were like, we got a fuzz buster and a truck that rides ahead of us so we can hide behind. Their whole thing is we have tight clothes. That was their strategy. Their strategy is we're driving a Lamborghini Countach, the most visible car on the planet. And the loudest car, the car that's going to attract the Most tickets, that's what we'll be in. But we have real tight, ill fitting clothes. And so how are we ever gonna get pulled up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And we all went, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Could not possibly be pulled over in any part of this country and have a cop just do its job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. What was Dean Martin and Sammy Davis? Wasn't that one of the cars? What was their angle?

[Adam Carolla]

I watched Cannonball Run 2 with Frank Sinatra. That's right. And Dean Martin and Sammy Davis and every conceivable Tony Danza, every conceivable celebrity that was alive at that point was in that movie. And there was no scrub, no script, and there was. Jackie Chan was in it and there was no understanding of what it was or how it worked. Burt Reynolds was dressed up like a harem girl. At some point, you know, like it was all vaudevillian. It was insane. And like at the end of the movie, I turned to the four or five guys that were watching it, including my son, and I said, does anyone know what that was? And my son went, I don't know, I don't know what that was. And I go, well, who won the race? And he went, I don't think. I know. I think an orangutan won. I think the orangutan won the race. And I said, I think, but I'm not sure. And then we looked around the room and says, does anyone know who won the race? And I said, no. And then someone said, was there even really a race? And I said, well, not really. They just did scenes with Telly Savalas and Frank Sinatra and Jamie Farr.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would love to see a movie about the making of that movie. There was a lot of cocaine.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to be all coke and no script because we did not know what the movie was about at the end of the movie. And it was just vignette, vignette, vignette. And somehow they got Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin and Sammy Davis and it was all nuts. And they dressed up like women and they dressed up like priests and they. Oh, they ran into Shirley MacLaine and Mary Lou Henner were dressed as nuns. Shirley MacLaine and Mary Lou Henner as nuns. And, and, and Dom DeLuise was dressed as a general from the army and Burt Reynolds was like a cat, was like a four star general. And it was all insanity. Yeah, it was. And Gomer Pyle was in it, who was in the army and like was going, coming up. And Burt Reynolds came around as army. If you had an outfit you could do whatever the fuck you wanted.

[Rudy Pavich]

Danzo was a phantom of the Paradise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. The 70s was. There was another movie called A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which had. Who's the guy from the Producers? The funny guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Reiner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, Buster Keaton was in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it was the same thing. There was. It was just vignettes and it was like a lot of big stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No plot and crazy shit happening.

[Adam Carolla]

Had no idea. We had no idea what this movie was. I didn't know what it was about at the end. O'Reilly Auto Parts, you know the jingle. That's right. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road. O'Reilly Auto Parts offers friendly, helpful service and the parts knowledge you need for all your maintenance and repairs. Always use these guys. Just use them at the track. Was I with the track over the weekend? Went to O'Reilly. Prepared for leaving for the track. Went to O'Reilly. They got what you need. This was a race car, but either way, it's a car and it's got to run. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they are friendly. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us online. O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

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[Adam Carolla]

All right. Should we do some news?

[Rudy Pavich]

Let's do some news. All right. Preseason football is back in action.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There we go.

[Rudy Pavich]

Very excited about it. A Jaguars fan and a Saints fan brawl at a preseason game video. The fight is now going viral online, showing a dude in a Travis Hunter jersey throwing a drink on another guy in a black Saints polo down in New Orleans. The two square up. They start throwing punches before the Saints fan slips on the doormat underneath him, goes tumbling to the ground. The Jaguars fan actually lands a couple of really good fights. You remember that first UFC when it was the giant fat guy, giant fat black guy, and then the small white dude and that he was on all fours and he was popping the head. That's what this fight goes into.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, let's watch. No reason to Fight during preseason.

[Rudy Pavich]

First off, preseason's terrible. What's worse than preseason is a preseason game. That's a good slap.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of, I don't know, the ground and pound. I feel like they're getting a bit little. Little un, Marcus Queensbury, but he's getting some. Getting some shots in. Oh, shit.

[Rudy Pavich]

Pulls his shirt over his head like a hockey fight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at the belly on that guy.

[Rudy Pavich]

Pants fall down.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta. You always gotta wear a belt.

[Rudy Pavich]

And then he gets rocked again.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he gets rocked again. Yeah. You gotta know when to hold up whatever Kenny Roger says, you know what I mean?

[Rudy Pavich]

Fold them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Walk away and know when to run.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Know when to pull up your pants.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although those weren't the best fighters preseason, so the real guys were hanging back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're waiting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're not suiting up.

[Rudy Pavich]

You gotta wait for a division game.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That guy's looking for spot on the roster.

[Adam Carolla]

We're now, first off, here's the whole thing about fat. Fat means there is a thing about fat and there's a certain way to get fat. And some guys get fat this way. Some guys get fat and what really happens is their forearms and calves get huge because they're so fat. Right? And then when you wear shirt, you wear a polo shirt and cargo shorts, all we see is your huge calves and your huge forearms. So are you fat or do you have huge forearms and huge calves? And I think guys, they get a little higher in their own supply. Like, they're like, look at these calves, look at these forearms. Like, I'm in five. Fight in shape. I'm a big dude. But you're not a big dude. You're a fat dude who has big forearms and big calves as well. And the calves, no matter how fat you get, never get flabby. And the forearms never get flabby. They just get bigger. And you see yourself in the mirror and you go, I'm a big dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But that doesn't mean you can fight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Those calves get that little shelf.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Below the bottom of the calf.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you add a tattoo onto the calf and a tattoo onto the forearm and you're really set. Now you're just a big dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, those guys can hit the ball in golf. Those guys are big drivers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the other thing, too. It's not like they're not. They don't have. It's not like things don't work for them in certain occasions. Like, they're not. Not great at pickleball, but they can Drive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They can drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they can drive that. They can hit a bucket at the range and be good. They can. They're things they will excel at. So it gives them just enough confidence to get into that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But the thing is, they can't fuck. They have no core strength. You know, they can't. The ass is not. You know, if you want a nice dimple on the side of your ass cheek when you're plowing in, you want definition. And that's just a mass of cottage cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The woman grabs that. It's that it's over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

I was at the Georgia Aquarium this weekend on Saturday, and some of the people walking through there, I thought, you should be on display here.

[Adam Carolla]

You should be in the tank.

[Rudy Pavich]

Let's get the whale shark out and put you in the tank. Cause fuck, we are a fat society now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's what the traveling circus used to be.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The fat lady. Sit there and look at her.

[Adam Carolla]

I realize part of it's in my act, but then another part of it I was thinking about today, which is, you know, every commercial is either Lumi, which is the all over deodorant, which is because everyone's got folds everywhere. Everyone's fat now. But the other commercials I keep seeing is snoring commercials where this bed alerts you. And the smart number and the sleep number. Every third commercial is snoring. Ladies tired. And I'm like, what's going on with snoring? Oh, everyone's fat. Everyone is super fat snoring. So what you do if you're a business is you're like, we're in the business of selling beds. So if everyone's going to get super fat, then we're going to have a bed that alerts you when you're snoring, which I don't know, I guess we have the technology for that. They hear that and it vibrates or something and shakes you up and wakes you up. But be prepared for more fat person related products. Snoring all over body deodorant. Like it's gonna just keep coming. Kim Kardashian just came out with a Spanx for your neck. Have you seen that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she came out with a Spanx for double chins.

[Rudy Pavich]

Looks like Kanye's hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Set of black hands on a white kerchief that goes around. Oh, yeah. No, she's come out with Spanx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

For your chin. Well, first off, we didn't even need Spanx, but now we need Spanx. Everything is going to be. It's like when they came out with the medicine that relieved constipation. If you were strung out on pain medication, it's like, oh, we're entering into a zone where there's a separate medication for the other medication that you're abusing that is backing you up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, well, I think the other. They have to come up with the sneakers that don't fold over the sides. You ever see the fat guy whose sneakers are actually bulging new? Reinforced sneakers reinforce the sneakers.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, we've already come up with sketchers where you don't have to bend over, you don't have to do any time. You know, hey, fat guy, just slide right into that thing. So we got the sneakers. We're good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, we got the crocs. Crocs are. Can hold up to 1300 pounds, by the way, without any kind of movement at all. You can park an El Camino on a croc. It will not depressed. Yeah, yeah. It's shower slippers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guys are walking around and just. Just get the toes in. Foot's fine, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no cankle pressure. Cankles free.

[Adam Carolla]

You can look on TMZ and you can see Kim Kardashian has come up with a neck spanx.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I don't know how it works, because obviously we can see that supposed to do something when you sleep, relieve tension or something and fix your double chin or whatever it is. But the whole point is there was no reason for a neck spanx until we all got morbidly obese. And now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I thought of a new diet plan because I actually used to be really overweight. When I was in college, I was like 265.

[Adam Carolla]

265.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've always been quite fit. But I thought of. For other people. I thought of something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's what I do. I think it's stuff for other people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Called the eat and shit diet. And what you do is, on my diet, you eat whatever you want, as much of it as you want, but then you can't eat again until you take a big shit. And so it's almost like. It's like a nightclub. You think of it as there's a maximum capacity. You let them in, and then nobody gets in until people leave out the back door.

[Adam Carolla]

But what if people start abusing the system like the Jews do with the Shabbos goyim, where they can't turn on electronics on a Saturday, but they get somebody to do it for them? And what if I get a shittiscoyam or I Get someone to come in and drop a big deuce. And now I feel like I can eat again because my toilet got a big deuce in it. Things to think about. Just playing devil's advocate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fat people are devious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shittiscoyum. Where's Kim Kardashian's this? Cause I swear that's all I saw was commercials for it two weeks ago on tmz. And I can't imagine it's not all over the Internet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She knows her audience, she knows her followers.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, man. The eating shit diet. That's the infomercial I want from you. For sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And I think you like the nightclub. You watch who comes in. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And this, by the way, the commercial, the thing I saw had Anthony Hopkins wearing it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I don't have the Internet. Internet works, but Anthony Hopkins, Kardashian chin Spanx. Wow. We never turn the sound up, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We should do hello, Kim. I'm already feeling 10 years younger.

[Adam Carolla]

I pause it there for a second. What is he? Can you describe Fitz Dog? What is going on in this video?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he looks like one of those old, like, dudes WC Field movies where he's the dentist. And that's after you get your tooth pulled. You get the big strap around your chin that goes above your head. And he's got on a crazy Hawaiian shirt and what looks like a swatch from the 1990s. He's having fun.

[Adam Carolla]

But what is he wearing? Describe the Spanx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It looks like an ace bandage.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a hammock for your chin that hooks around your ear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it goes around the head.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, it goes around the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it go around the top?

[Rudy Pavich]

You can see the bandage on top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it goes around the top. Oh, I couldn't even see that top. God, you can barely see it. Okay, I keep. I'll rewind it from the beginning. Let's just see what this is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the queen may resent the night ship after this one. Hello, Kim. I'm already feeling 10 years younger. Goodbye.

[Rudy Pavich]

So if it goes around your head, is it supposed to bring your chin up and then you take it off? And your jowls are supposed to stay up. Cause Spanx, you put them on and then you put a dress over it. You put a shirt over it. You're not supposed to. It goes incognito. But this. I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna file this under my mom who could never get rid of her spare tire. At some point, I Remember seeing a weird twister thing? There was a weird twister thing. It must have sold hundreds of millions of these things. It was like a disc, right? Yeah, it's just like a disc, a square thing with a round thing on the bottom and a ball bearing thing in between, which is really what they use on a lazy Susan when you go. And you'd sit on it and you just go, go back and forth, just back. Just chubby checker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But the chubby never came out of the checker. It just kept. You know, the whole plan was, I'm just going to do this. I'm just going to do. I'm going to watch Mod and I'm going to do this for 24 minutes and somehow I'll stop being fat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was basically like the people who bought that made fun of the guys from the 30s that had the belt. That belt around that just. Now the guys who make the skims for your chin are making fun of the guys with the twister thing or the shake weight. It's all the same. It can't. How can any of it work? Yeah, my mom had a twister thing that she never changed. She was shaped like a parrot, never fixed anything, and at some point had that other piece of apparatus, which was a power lawnmower plastic wheel with two grips on the end of each side. You were supposed to. So there was a roll it, the cartwheel. I don't know what they call it because you were supposed to. Somehow it never worked. No one ever used it. It was just that thing and that thing and two things had a wheel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We had both of them.

[Adam Carolla]

You could buy them, you could bring them home. The plan was we're going to, we're going to shake the weight away. No one ever lost a pound. And, and, and I didn't even know what it was, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And this will be that one day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think they got to go back to like the Elizabethan, like neck, you know, where the women just wore the giant collars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Between the perfect push up and the thigh master, we should be the hottest society ever.

[Adam Carolla]

We should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, what's the perfect push up?

[Rudy Pavich]

It's the disc you hold onto it when you push up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You like, oh, it doesn't look great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

I was walking through a target once and a guy said to his wife, hey, the perfect push up, I should get that. And the wife said, you don't even it. Do imperfect push ups. I was like, good joke. That's a pretty good joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, does the skims website explain any of the technology behind holding your face up, or is it just you put that strap on around your head? And for some reason, Sir Anthony Hopkins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sir, Sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Decided this would be a good idea. This would be a good use of his title. Sir. And dude, do a quickie commercial for the Kardashians. I have no idea how society or life works.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's made 275 movies.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, I saw Ian McKellen the other day. Pimp a diet called eating. So it's on the horizon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's on the eat diet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Eat and, but not eating.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, mine is. Mine is the. Yeah, the eating shit. And it's gotta be substantial, you. That you weigh the meal and then you gotta get. You gotta get 90% of that weight out. You weigh the shit on the way out.

[Rudy Pavich]

I want you with a blonde crew cut going, stop the insanity.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love Susan Powder. I love her because I love any workout person that goes, you want to lose the weight, first you gotta breathe. You can't forget to breathe. I'm asking you to breathe. It's like, okay, yeah, Chris Carolla breathed just fine. The pounds did not melt. Like anyone who works in breathing into anyone who's currently breathing. I'm looking at that as filler and a waste of time. I'm looking for good. Like, you know, I've had lots of conversations. When you go to these races, you'll go in with the race official and he'll go, double yellow is. You can drive, but it's not a local yellow. That's a full course yellow. So if you. Two yellows, that's, that's a full track yellow. If you see one that's local, that's just in that corner. You see the yellow with the white. That means there's safety equipment on the road, but there's no passing under the yellow. But you can pass the safety truck. And then somebody never goes and breathe. Yeah, he's passing information along the breathing. I'm already breathing. I don't need to remind even when I'm sleeping and dreaming of Joe McHale dying in that mire, I'm still breathing.

[Rudy Pavich]

There's a new documentary, three piece documentary on Netflix about the biggest loser. Just watched it this weekend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

And man, that Bob Harper. Even at the end of it, when they're like, by the way, this show kind of really ruined people's lives and metabolisms and bodies. He was like, I don't give two shits. Bob Harbour does not care. He made his millions off of it. And we walked away.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah, I got into a big argument with that guy in the air once and I've kind of reconjigured my thoughts about it a little bit. But I used to be real staunch this way because I grew up and have had relations with people, men and women, who just, just looked fantastic in their bathing suits. And these were amongst the laziest, ill eating, chain smoking, hard drinking, lack of exercise, using fuck ups I'd ever met in my life. And then the shirt would come off and then it would look like these guys were just living in the gym. And I've known some girls that were this way and everyone would always come up to them and go like, what do you do? You know, what's your secret? And they would always say something stupid like, I played soccer when I was 12, you know, it's like, okay, I always want to jump in and go, this guy's smoking and drinking and fucking eats like shit. It's called genetics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's called being Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they look like. That's what they look like. And then there was my mom who there's nothing she could do to escape with this thing. She was always on a diet, she was always doing and it just couldn't. And I was trying to explain to him, you talk all you want, but my buddies growing up, there's nothing you could do to get them to look bad in their swim trunks. And by the way, I knew dudes, there's nothing you could do to get them to look good in their trunks. And it's just fucking genetics. And we just argue and argue and argue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've worked with women that are obese and they come to work and they bring a Tupperware with salad and some, you know, chicken, skinless chicken. And they don't go to the snacks and then they come in the next day and they still weigh 185 pounds. You go, what are you doing at night? Or is this just genetic?

[Adam Carolla]

It's mostly all genetic and you can affect part of it, but not enough. Nothing will ever take the place of a great genetic hand.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you see women like you go, oh, that's how that person is cutting, cut. Like I just say cut. It's not really about weights. Like you look at Emily Ratajkowski and you just go, oh, she's just cut different than chicks with big hips and a cup or whatever. It's like, I don't know, you want to talk to her how she got a D cup bosom, or is that just how they are? You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think they say that your body has a weight that it sort of like it just wants to find.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If there's like a baseline weight that most of us have this. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's where the chin skim comes in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Changing God's will.

[Adam Carolla]

Changing God's will one neck at a time. Look at that. Now, first off, I like that they have a white one and a black one. You know, I like that we're diverse now. And what we do is we take a waif model so, you know it works. And we put them on the WAF model, so, you know it works.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, if a white woman wears the black one, is that blackface?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a cultural appropriation. If a white woman puts on the black one and then makes tacos, we're gonna have a problem. You understand? Now, how does it work? I'm intrigued, but I just want to know, is there science behind this? And I think the idea is you keep it up in your sleep. All right. It's our first ever face innovation. It's here. It's a must have. Oh, I didn't know it was a must have. I cut the show short. I wasn't aware that it was a must. It's a must have. Face Wrap boasts our signature sculpting fabric, which is good for under the skirt, but once you remove it. Okay. And features collagen yarns. You know, we now infuse everything with everything. Everything's infused. We should have never let women use the word infuse. And we should have never let them use the word deep because they'll go, we're going to have someone come in here and do a deep clean on this condo. I go, what do you mean? You mean a Mexican's going to mop? No, but a deep, deep clean with just a regular. What do you mean a deep clean? Deep clean. Sherry says we need to do a deep clean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or we just clean, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

There's weed infused toothpicks I saw the other day, and I was like, what happened to a pop can? Like that? Was that enough?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I don't need no soft jaw. So the collagen yarn for ultra soft jaw support. Velcro. I don't know. Closures. Is that what that says? This is very small for me to read from this distance. That's why I'm struggling. Oh, yeah, yeah. 20 minutes into the struggle, Velcro.

[Rudy Pavich]

Excuse me. Velcro closures at the top and nape of the neck allow for easy everyday wear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Every day. But is this shit gonna start becoming like slippers? Where it started off as inside, and now it's Walmart, you know, I mean, like, people are walking around at airports with slippers and curlers. Like, does the skim shit? Are people just start going out in full skims?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, my mom goes out in curlers. Same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if I got the jaw thing, I'd eventually I'd start short. You know, I'm just gonna run out to the car, grab my backpack. Then at a certain point it's like, well, the mailbox is still on my property technically. And then it's a certain point where it's like, I'll go to Starbucks, I'll pre order this, I'll just run in, you know, and before you know it, you're just going about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're on the red carpet. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

You're at Rick Russo's house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who were you wearing? Skin. Skin. Next game.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, once we make it to the airport, we're now pot committed, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if you're wearing shit to the airport, there's nowhere in society you can't wear it because you don't go to the airport for an hour. You go to the airport for two hours and then you go to Atlanta and then you go to another airport and meanwhile you're on a plane, Right. So it's on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm worried that. Look, I'm into it. My next. It looks like somebody microwaved it at some point. And there's a big flap here, so I want to try this. But that would mean that when I go to bed, I put on. I have an eye mask, I put in earbuds, right. I have these. I keep bending my wrists so I have these wrist guards I wear. I have a mouth guard for when I grinding my teeth. And now I'm gonna have the neck. I'm gonna look like I'm getting ready for a boxing match.

[Rudy Pavich]

Robocop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point, we're just going to put you in that outfit that the guy thought he could fight a grizzly bear in your wife would be like. It took Greg a while to figure out how to sleep standing up. But he's got it now. He's in the bear. He's in the grizzly man out. He fought. Look, I'm not saying a grizzly would break in because we're in Venice beach, but if it did, I'll tell you. I sleep a little Easier knowing that Greg is upright in the grizzly combat suit and ready to go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It just shows you where my fucking mental state is, that that's what it takes for me to face my dreams. I'm not dreaming about Joel McHale. I'm dreaming about my ex agent trying to end my career. I got a lot of neurotic thoughts going, never working again in Dayton, Kentucky because of last time. That's why I need mouth guards and wrist guards.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we can integrate the skim's chin clip into the face guard, the earplugs, the mouthpiece and the shin guards and whatever pillow between my legs. When you get up, you're like a major league baseball player taking a walk and getting to first base and just unclamping all the shit. Hands it, hands it to the bat boy like Fitz Dog stands up the more and pulls a bunch of gear off and just hands it to the squad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got a corner man that takes out my mouthpiece.

[Rudy Pavich]

Takes your mouthpiece, Tony Stark and Iron man just starts pulling things off.

[Adam Carolla]

We got the Eve story about the face skims. All right, let's see if we can figure out what this is. Can I say this, though? You can't use waif models to sell your product for people that have three chins to girls that are 22 and have zero chins. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It always reminded me there was a great George Carlin joke where he was old joke, but he's like, he was talking about, about zit cream and it was like in the back of a magazine or something. And he goes, you know, it works because the first picture is a drawing of a face that had dots on it. And then the second drawing was ones with no dots. It's like. But that's kind of like you modeling fucking skim shit on wave models does not mean it works.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right, let's see now. We are going to offer amazing face shapewear.

[Adam Carolla]

Kim Kardashian skims debuting its first ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shapewear offering four faces. The brand dropped its latest export July 29 with Instagram pics seeing models showing.

[Adam Carolla]

Off the seamless sculpt face wrap detailing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Its, quote, signature sculpting fabric and infused with collagen yarns as the company's co.

[Adam Carolla]

Founder fawned over the new skims product on her Instagram story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's just this, like, amazing jaw support. You can see it just snatches your little chinny chin chin with the jaw and it's super comfortable to wear at night or Just around the house. I really wanted to do these and.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually to the airport for black people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've been working on it for a.

[Narrator]

Long time, so I'm really happy that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You guys can see it. Yeah. It's a brand new day across the.

[Adam Carolla]

Multi billion dollar company. Following multiple launches for underwear and accessory.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lines, with the brand seeing a steady.

[Adam Carolla]

Popularity stream since its 2019 debut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Skims also enlisting model Jasmine Alicia to.

[Adam Carolla]

Demo her morning ritual reveal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at this. My favorite part is how this goes around your neck because the other ones slip off so easily and the fabric is infused with collagen. Shout out to Skims for giving me this snatched jawline. See what this hair is looking like. The way the Skims face shape has elevated my entire morning shed is crazy. Like, my jawline has never been this snatched. I think it gave her a list though.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Listen, I don't, I don't say this often, but you know, the terrorists aren't wrong about everything. You know what I mean? Like, I do. They do make certain points about our society.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And I will have to tip my cap to the boys at Al Qaeda once in a while. Like, there's certain things you do get around about our bloated, sad society. Yeah. Maybe make a few points.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'd like to see the next couple. Couple jets fly into towers. Into the towers of the Kardashians.

[Adam Carolla]

Kardashian towers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Up to the valley.

[Rudy Pavich]

You should buy a bunch of these and then repackage them as taints where you just sell it to old guys who want their balls to come back up when their balls start sagging.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, you know, spending a whole weekend in that race car with the six way harness through the middle of the legs and the super tight seat with not a lot of padding on it. Yeah. Yes. Having a prodigious sack is not helpful in that environment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe I add that to my sleepwear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Keep the balls up.

[Adam Carolla]

Tight sack hammock. Get those things pulled up.

[Rudy Pavich]

You do a promo like Anthony Hopkins. Just get your balls right on the edge. Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

You can do a thing where you're like, do you know that 41% of males over the age of 61 suffer from sack torsion related injuries? And it's like nine hours of sleeping on a. A twisted sack with a torsion issue cutting off blood supply. That's right. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, yeah. Squashing. Squashing one on a rollover. Does that ever wake up in the middle of the night?

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? Commercials. Like two middle guys Sitting on a porch, like, hey, you. You hear what happened to Ron? Ron who runs the marathons? No, he doesn't run marathons anymore. Not with the sack torsion. Wow. He didn't get the fitz dog sack hammock. No. He ignored the pleas of his wife. Now he's. He's in bad shape. Yeah. Sack torsion is a big deal. As you get older, your sack ages, it gets. It gets further and further away from your taint, and then that gets twisted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Up, you know, it's like a tree. And how you can tell the age of a tree by the rings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you measure how far down your balls are, it's a quarter of an inch per year.

[Adam Carolla]

After the age of 40, my balls are so far down now. I start from the floor to save time. Interesting. I actually saved Dave. It's a time. Look, I'm busy, obviously. But it became.

[Rudy Pavich]

This is another one of his products, the ruler that measures from the floor up. You can get it free.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so much faster for me just to go from the hardwood up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Testy tester. Yeah. Right. Wow. So you know the length of your taint to the ground, and then you just subtract that amount from the total distance.

[Rudy Pavich]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to start from the. From the. From the taint, but now I start from the hardwood and I go up, you know, again, to save time.

[Rudy Pavich]

Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How much time you got left until you're on the ground?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have to check. I have a laminate in the glove box. I can check that. You know, I don't have it on me, if that's what you're asking, but there's a laminate. There's one. There's one that says tipping on one side, and it's got death. It's a clock on the other. And I can figure it out. Cause they say there's your actual age and then your sac. Biological age.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And so they factor in different things. Like, do you. Were you ever involved with the rodeo in any professional capacity? Did you ride a unicycle? You know, I have to check off some of those boxes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Trampolining. How many trampolining did you do as a child?

[Adam Carolla]

Trampolining, meaning have you done things of things of that nature? How big is your dad's sack? You know, things of that nature. And they factor it all in, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You have to weigh your. Test your balls, because that will affect, obviously, the gravity.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Do you spend a lot of time in the pool where you're at a gravity Depth where it's actually helping now. And if you were a swimmer, let's just say, well, I swam at a high level, Starting at about 15, all the way through the Olympic trials, by the way. Then you got a lot of sack longevity, climate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Were you in the Siberian or Scandinavian?

[Adam Carolla]

How close to the equator do you live? How close to the prime meridian do you live? And such and so forth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Humidity.

[Adam Carolla]

Humidity's a big thing. Are you a tighty whity or were you a boxer guy in the 70s, you know what I mean? Were you the kind of guy who wore cuffs and went commando? Were you a sweatpant guy who rode them low instead of hiked him up? There's a lot of questions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you have a Puerto Rican girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Who worked the sack that's on there? Were you with a sack worker? Were you someone who was sack centric back in the day?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sack sucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you masturbate on your back or do you stand in the shower?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Are you on all fours? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't put that as a possibility, but I can add that it's Irish. Yeah, I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I should say all threes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's be honest. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good point. Yeah. Are you on all threes? Right, right. These are all important questions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're all in the lab.

[Adam Carolla]

Sack longevity.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's really. I think with my grandfather, I remember seeing him when I was a kid and looking up and thinking, that's my future grandpa. You know, he had. He wore the boxer shorts, right? And they would fall out and I would just think, my God, calf level.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Grandpa doesn't have much left.

[Rudy Pavich]

Was until your wife's hand went a little higher up the thigh when you were fishtailing in that Mustang. It was all downhill from there, Fitz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I don't know where we go from there. I think home. You can go to mkroll.com for all the live shows coming up. Provo and Torrance. That's a fun place. The place that was called the End.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did it, but I had to cancel because I didn't sell enough tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, we'll work it out next time. Cause they love you over there. That's a fun place. Just go to coral.com for all live shows. Rudy, where do we go? Rudy's a real funny stand up, by the way.

[Rudy Pavich]

Thanks, bud. I got a couple of shows I would like to pimp. October 3rd, I will be at Snarky Loon Brewing in Jenkins, Minnesota. Northern Minnesota. I'm going back home for a couple of days, and then October 4th, I'm going to St. Cloud, Minnesota to do Beaver Island Brewing, so.

[Adam Carolla]

And Fitzstog's gonna be at the Comedy Store in La Jolla, and he's also gonna be the Comedy Works in Denver. Both great clubs. GregFitsimmons.com is where you go. Until next time, it's Adam for Fitz Dog and Rudy saying mahalo.

[Announcer]

Pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 8 at 863-41744 and get tickets and info for the Ace man at Adam Cole.

[Adam Carolla]

Roller.com.

[Advertiser]

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