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- [00:16]
A
Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the.
- [00:19]
B
Best moments, highlights and fans like the.
- [00:20]
A
Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carell Show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics exclusively available through Podcast one. Sign up and get the ad free archives. And if you like the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcorla.com alright, let's get to the clips. Coming first today we have Adam Carla Show 1440 featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2014. It's towards the tail end of Allison's run. It's a solid episode. Hope you enjoy.
- [00:57]
B
Good day. Allison Rogers. Hello Adam Carolla and Ball Bryan.
- [00:59]
C
It's a great show, a lot of fun.
- [01:02]
D
Leave you in love. Wanted that from the old morning show.
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B
With the hashtag top Drop and Fitz Dog Greg Fitzsimmons in studio.
- [01:09]
C
It's the fall. That means I'm here.
- [01:13]
B
He's gonna be at the Hollywood Improv. He's gonna be at the Houston improv coming up November 1st and then December 18th through the 20th in Houston. And if you'd like to check out his one life on stage is available now on Hulu Podcast Fitz Dog Radio. You know where to find the fitzdogg website, fitzdog.com Good to see you, Fitzdogg.
- [01:35]
C
Pleasure to be here.
- [01:37]
B
So let me ask you guys. I just went into New York for about 13 hours last week, Humblebrag. And I was doing a. It's a funny thing because it was this. It is interesting. It was for Spike tv and Spike TV is doing their. They get all their employees together and they kind of get them fired up. It wasn't for. It's not the up fronts, you know, it's not to get like a spirit.
- [02:06]
D
Building exercise, like a team building, trust falls.
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C
Like a clan rally.
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B
Yeah, like a Klan rally.
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D
The ultimate team building.
- [02:13]
B
Yeah, it's get everyone together, get all the different departments together and get them whipped up about the new season or whatever it is. And they want me to go out there, not to do anything, just to say I was there. I mean, it's kind of the ultimate thing. Like if you really think about it, if you could get George Clinton to come to your cocktail party Having him talk for 20 minutes would be one thing, but having him just walk up and do 10 push ups and then say, now you can leave is sort of the ultimate power move. Right.
- [02:46]
E
You tell someone where they have to be and when.
- [02:48]
B
Yeah. And there's not really anything to do.
- [02:51]
E
They just want your time.
- [02:53]
B
You're there. I'm sure if I was on the east coast, they probably wouldn't have needed me.
- [02:59]
E
Why George Clinton?
- [03:01]
B
I'm just trying to think about someone who you could. Who, if you wanted to really like, impress your friends. Yes, Clinton, you could give $250,000 to and he would come talk at your cocktail party for 25 minutes. But the ultimate power move is do nothing. Clinton, come to my party, freshen up my highball. Now hit the bricks.
- [03:23]
C
Yeah. Be the victim of multiple selfies and leave.
- [03:26]
B
And leave.
- [03:27]
D
Who's the ultimate gettable guy like that gettable guest who would still impress people? I think George Clinton's high on that list. Is gettable.
- [03:35]
B
Everybody's gettable for a price.
- [03:37]
D
Okay, sorry.
- [03:38]
B
The bargain guy, the little quiet secret with politicians and Beyonce and bands and all that kind of stuff is if you do want Beyonce to play your party, pony up a million bucks, she will play your party.
- [03:53]
D
I told you that I was at a rehearsal dinner where Don Henley played. This is like two years ago. And he's not. He doesn't really need the money, but you know what I mean. He's everyone's gettable as. Raise your point.
- [04:03]
B
Well, no, you know, nobody at that level needs the money. On the other hand, you tend to think this way. And I think I speak a little bit for Fitz Dog. When you have that sort of thing, some corporate gig or something like that, where you think to yourself, I'll be sleeping in my own bed tonight. One way or the other one is I drive out to Malibu and dance like a monkey for 90 minutes, and I go to bed in my own bed tonight. And for Beyonce, it's with an extra $1 million in my bank account versus I watch some Real Housewives of, you know, watch a marathon of Real Housewives from New Jersey and sleep in the same bed. Like, no matter how rich you are, it's hard to say no to a million bucks for a night's work. And then you sleep in your own bed.
- [04:48]
C
I heard a story about when Tim Allen was on home improve at its peak, when he was making a ton of money. I mean, who knows? He's probably making a million dollars an episode for that show. So he gets an offer to Do a New Year's eve show for $1 million. And his wife says, but we were invited to this party and I really want to go. All right, let's flip it. Would you pay $1 million to go to that party?
- [05:12]
D
Solid logic, right?
- [05:13]
B
No, it would have to be the same party that was paying me to show up to that party.
- [05:18]
E
Yeah.
- [05:18]
C
Let me try to pitch this party.
- [05:19]
B
That's going to be the way. I can't tell you how fast I would kick Lynette ass out the door if there was some sort of huge payday for a million dollar be like, get there two days early and stay two days late. Make sure that check clears before. I mean, we'd never have that argument. It would just be, go get that money and go come back.
- [05:37]
E
That being said, you flew there for free, right?
- [05:40]
B
Absolutely. And the thing that was funny is I was supposed to go out. It was unclear what I was gonna do. Go out and do a couple of minutes and then bring out Sharon Levy, who's sort of the head chick over there. Old friend of mine.
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C
You're old boss from the man show.
- [05:55]
B
She worked for us at the man show. She was a publicist, I think, at the time. But she's great and we get along great and we love each other and all that, but. So in my mind, they just flew me first class from LA out to New York to go out on stage. I go out, I'm starting to get into minute number 11, and I look over to Sharon Levy and she's like, wrap it up, dude. And I'm like, oh, I would have gladly done two minutes, but you got me a first class ticket to come out to New York to do this. And now you give me the wrap it up after like nine minutes. And I'm like, I don't even want to be here, but I'll. Okay, I'll.
- [06:36]
E
You didn't want to be seen as rude. So you were rude, right?
- [06:39]
B
I was like, you bought me a first class ticket to come out just to do this. I didn't want to. I'd love to give you three minutes of nothing and then split, but I didn't think that would be kosher with you guys.
- [06:49]
D
No, I wanted to wrap it up more than you.
- [06:51]
B
Right. So I did wrap it up and I brought Sharon out and was in New York for. Like I said, I arrived in my hotel. I checked in at 12:30 on a Wednesday night, and I was driving for the airport at noon the following. The following day, but. And it was fine. And I got to Fly first class. And a nice first class had a little sleeper pod thing in there. Nice.
- [07:22]
C
Choose the bathroom.
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B
Only used it once.
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D
Did you pull a Gary and Whack off?
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B
No, because pull your pud in the pod. The pod is not that exclusive.
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D
It was a party line.
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B
Open air pod.
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D
Gotcha.
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B
Not the Cocoon.
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D
Never stopped Gary.
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B
Not the Wacoon. That Gary. That Gary works so efficiently in. But you guys tell me where we're at with this. First off, only 10 seats. 10 pods in first class. Very nice. Of course there was a dog up there. Number one, number two. Two snot nosed kids. 13 and 15.
- [08:03]
C
And their own pods.
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B
Own pods. And you know, it's that same feeling I have like as a car guy when I see Paris Hilton driving up in a $600,000 McLaren supercar. And it's like now it doesn't mean anything anymore. I work my whole life to get to this pod. You're 13 and you're right next to me in your pod. Now, it shouldn't diminish my pod based experience, but somehow it does. Like it was a 13 and a 15 year old kid. And it's like this is their world for me. It's like this is my pod for them. It's their. We do this all the time.
- [08:37]
D
Every time Christie flies to London, there's kids in first class and it's like, where do you go from there?
- [08:42]
C
Well, you put the kids in. My kids are so excited to be on a plane getting peanuts and watching a movie. That is the height of their happiness. The pod takes them beyond their height and now the rest of their life can only be.
- [08:55]
B
Yes, yes.
- [08:57]
C
Disappointing.
- [08:58]
B
I remember. I don't know, but one time when we did Loveline a million years ago, there was a child actor who was giving me some crap. I don't know. Child actor was young. That's the greatest story I have ever heard. No, it wasn't Danny Bonaduce, but it was someone who started making a paycheck at age 7. And now they're 21. And they were. They're being kind of snotty with me. And I just said to him, listen, you going to the mailbox and getting a fat check is a way of life. And that's just what you expect. And anything beneath that's a disappointment for me. I'll never get over it. I didn't make a penny until I was 31. And you'll always be jaded and I'll always be pinching myself that I have what I have. It was bullshit. Don't get me wrong, but what I'm saying is I realized that was their life. And first class is these kids lives. And then they had their kind of trainer, nanny, like a couple of wranglers with them.
- [09:57]
E
So was it just you and a family and a dog basically in there?
- [10:01]
B
Yeah. And this happened. So I was, I was. My experience had been diminished by the fact that it was being shared by peoples whose combined age had not quite made it to 25 yet. Which I don't know why, but we're all wired this way, right? Like, hey, kid, I've been working my whole life to get up in this pod and you're just.
- [10:21]
E
Should be an achievement for you.
- [10:22]
B
It's nothing. Plus the kid had the backpack with the camelback thing on it that had the hose on it so he could be hydrated in his pod, you know.
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D
And I'm like pure El dispenser. Wave his hand under the backpack.
- [10:33]
B
Oh. And I couldn't figure out if it was like Will and Jada's kids or something that their hair, their tips were all done up.
- [10:42]
C
They weren't. What?
- [10:43]
B
They were done up? No, they weren't.
- [10:45]
C
Well, bury the lead on that one.
- [10:47]
B
I was just gonna say, well, I don't see color except for these two black brats. Dude, there were five. They put more into their hair than I'd ever done in my, you know, they had the braids with the colors, the tips at the end and stuff like that. And I was trying to figure out.
- [11:03]
D
Like, whose this is from New York to here.
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B
Kids. They were here to New York. Sorry. Did not know whose kids they were. And they were perfectly fine and they were well behaved and there was nothing wrong with them other than I couldn't believe they were in the pod.
- [11:16]
C
So the parents were not there. They were flying solo in pods.
- [11:21]
B
Yeah. Meaning heavyset Guatemalan chick was not the biological parent. And then the 28 year old personal trainer guy, clearly they were being shepherded across the country to hook up with rich mom and dad. First I went, you know, entertainment all the way. And then there's a part of me that went, oh, that's racist. Why they have to. Why their parents have to be in the entertainment?
- [11:45]
D
That could be athletes, right?
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B
Yeah. They could play in the NBA. Yeah, that's right.
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C
And where were the Guatemalan women's children?
- [11:51]
B
She had the dog and I'm guessing they're a.
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D
They don't have dogs. They have kids like you and me.
- [11:57]
B
No, I'm saying she was.
- [11:58]
C
They had Rose, 13.
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B
They were holding the dog. So then I had this happen, which is awesome. So there's only 10 people in first class. There's just five rows of pods, one walkway down the middle. And I got my seat mixed up or switched or something, and I was in the fifth. I was in the back. I was in the end. And I know first world problems, but I was in the back of the first class, and I looked down at the menu, and I saw the wasabi crusted salmon topped with a sweet papaya pineapple marmalade and pureed. I don't even know what that word is.
- [12:41]
D
Daffinois.
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B
Daffinois potatoes. I looked at that and went. I almost. It was like, garish, like. All right, can we stop jacking off on the food here, people? And then I looked under it and it said classic cheese lasagna. And I was like, anything that's got the word classic in it, I'm fucking down with. Because last time I got a pizza, it had fucking goat cheese on it on this goddamn flight. And, you know, carob shavings on it or something. I want something. So I look down, classic cheese lasagna. I'm in.
- [13:11]
D
Am I the only one thinks the salmon looks really good? What's wrong with. What's wrong with the salmon? That sounds delicious.
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C
Well topped. It sounds like somebody bent over it and took a dump.
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B
Does it?
- [13:24]
C
That's just the image I have in my head as a salmon.
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B
All right, anyway. Yes. It looks good to you?
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D
Yeah. What's wrong with it?
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B
Nothing.
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D
Okay.
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B
All right.
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D
Why'd you. Oh, sorry.
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B
All right, it's good. We should all get it.
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D
Why should we not get it?
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B
Cause I'm going a direction, Brian.
- [13:50]
D
Okay.
- [13:51]
B
Do you not feel the direction?
- [13:52]
D
No, I do. I guess I just. Should we all just get out of your way when you talk about food, or should we have a conversation? What's.
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B
I thought we were gonna. No, you don't. You don't have to blindly agree with me.
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D
Okay, all right, I'm sorry, man.
- [14:05]
B
All right.
- [14:06]
D
Have a conversation.
- [14:07]
B
Okay. No, it looks. I think we should all get the salmon.
- [14:11]
D
You really don't think that you got the lasagna, obviously.
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B
Well, because I'm telling a story that is going down a direction, but if you stop and go, what's wrong with the Salm? And then it kind of screws with the story.
- [14:22]
D
Okay, sorry, I thought that was leading to a conversation about why do they offer such highfalutin food?
- [14:27]
B
And I was like, all right, why do that? Well, we'll have the conversation.
- [14:30]
D
No, I thought that was.
- [14:31]
A
Here's.
- [14:32]
B
Okay, go ahead.
- [14:34]
D
Your taste. When it comes to a lot of things, comedy and music are very sophisticated. You like things that are not simple and repetitive and boring. You like John Hyatt and not John Mellencamp. And you like true architecture and cars that are not.
- [14:48]
B
That is very true.
- [14:49]
D
Or in their interesting.
- [14:50]
B
I'm with you.
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D
But then when it comes to food, it's odd that you like food. That's the classic cheese lasagna and not the interesting salmon. So I just thought that was worth having. A.
- [14:58]
B
Okay, well, I'm. It's a good point. I'm not interested in interesting when it comes to food. Like, I want the steak. I want the lasagna. I've had. We've had this.
- [15:09]
D
Yeah.
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B
I want what it is.
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D
You like the wedge salad and the beef steak, tomatoes. But you don't want.
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B
I want to know what it is. Because I've had too many experiments blow up in my mouth.
- [15:19]
D
Get that.
- [15:20]
B
How many? The wasabi crusted salmon may be wonderful, but it also could suck very badly. It could go south very quickly with the sweet papaya pineapple marmalade.
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D
It could be good, but why chance it?
- [15:35]
B
Well, I got classic cheese lasagna underneath it.
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C
Well, you're on a plane, which means they're not slicing and dicing things on the actual.
- [15:43]
B
Somebody made this 17 hours.
- [15:45]
D
Exactly.
- [15:46]
B
And now it's being reheated.
- [15:47]
C
Right. So let's keep it simple.
- [15:48]
B
The lasagna I know from experience could be three days old in the fridge. Take it out, cut a wedge, put it in the microwave.
- [15:55]
C
Better than it was the first time.
- [15:58]
B
Actually, in a weird way, yes, there's something about the congealing process, but either way, I do not want the wasabi crusted salmon. Now, if I'd eaten lasagna four nights in a row and we were at a restaurant.
- [16:11]
D
Change it up.
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B
I would change it up. But because I think they're going to fuck this thing up because it was cooked somewhere else, I'm going with the classic cheese lasagna. Plus, it's not like I eat a ton of classic cheese lasagna. It's not. It doesn't show up in my life.
- [16:27]
D
Saw the rotation.
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B
Not in the rotation. All right, so anyway, I'm in the back of first class and they do not bring 10 of each item on the plane.
- [16:40]
E
They really should for the prices.
- [16:41]
B
I imagine these pots for a $3,000 ticket. Think they would. And if you're with the crowd, you happen to have a 13 year old and a 15 year old in front of you, that's lasagna. There goes two lasagnas. Now you got a Guatemalan nanny, there goes the third, depending on how traditional. Now, if you got a bunch of Bryant folk in front of you, then the wasabi encrusted bullshit is going. But if you have Americans, patriotic Americans in front of you, younger kids, kids that don't want to experiment up in first class, well, when they got to the back of the plane, sorry, sir.
- [17:16]
E
We only have wasabi crusted salmon. Probably not even an apology.
- [17:20]
B
Well, here's the thing. I know there's an algorithm which is we'll bring. Everyone's gonna. 7 out of the 10 people are gonna get the lasagna over the salmon. That's the way people roll. So we'll bring seven of these and three of these. But you could run into an instance where everyone just got the lasagna.
- [17:38]
C
There's a run on it.
- [17:39]
B
There's a run on lasagna.
- [17:40]
C
The dog's got one.
- [17:43]
B
My point is, it's first class, baby. You gotta bring 10 of each. You just do. If every single person ahead of you orders that, you still need your wedge. And now you're being punished for sitting in the wrong seat of first class or sat in the back of first class. And that was the problem. So I got the classic. I mean the wasabi crusted salmon. The point is too, once you zero in on. This is what I'm having.
- [18:12]
E
If they give you a choice, you should get to choose. If you're in first class with pods, are there anything.
- [18:19]
B
Are there items further apart than classic cheese lasagna and wasabi crusted salmon? On the. I'm in the mood for one or the other.
- [18:27]
E
No, those are the.
- [18:28]
B
Once you set your sights on either one, the other is not going to be a reasonable substitute. That is not a half step to the left of. Well, you don't have the wasabi crusted salmon, but you do have the wasabi crusted sea bass. I guess I'll take that. Fine. It's not that.
- [18:44]
E
It's just like baked potato or sorbet.
- [18:47]
B
Yeah, it's crazy. It's something my kid would eat versus something my dog might not eat. That's what we're dealing with here. And again, not a big switch, just a big switch. When you've. And for me, the guy who's tired of the fucking highfalutin, I'm looking at something that says classic cheese lasagna and I'm going, oh, now you're Salivating for it.
- [19:07]
C
It's made an imprint. The saliva coming out is directed towards dairy. Tomato sauce.
- [19:14]
B
Yes.
- [19:14]
C
And some kind of high cholesterol that's gonna make you fall asleep instantly.
- [19:19]
B
Yes. And I'm fresh off the disappointment in the first class lounge with the soup of the day being the butternut squash, which is like, can we. Is there some fucking. Do we have fucking? Just chicken noodle. Is there something that I remember from my youth that we could consume? Is there something with a piece of meat floating in it somewhere?
- [19:39]
C
That's a brutal experience for you.
- [19:42]
B
You know what? Honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it tonight.
- [19:46]
D
Thanks for pulling it together for us and the listeners.
- [19:48]
B
Then the flight home.
- [19:55]
C
You were so close to coach. They literally could have reached out and touched your garments if they chose.
- [20:00]
B
Oh, the hem of my garment.
- [20:01]
C
Yes.
- [20:02]
B
Yes. The unwashed masses could have. I would have happily shared some of my wasabi crusted salmon with them.
- [20:10]
C
Yeah.
- [20:11]
B
Then on the flight home, chili, lentil chili. And I'm like, why not chili? Why not just chili chili?
- [20:27]
D
Was it meatless? Was it vegetarian?
- [20:28]
B
It was meatless.
- [20:29]
D
Because if they just kidney beans, that's one thing.
- [20:33]
E
Boom.
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B
Why would we have chili? Who. It's not a. It's not like we're trapped on an island and we go, look, I'd like to make chili. Like, we all understand the thing where somebody's at home and they go, I want to make chili. Oh, fuck, I'm out of chili beans. What do we got here? We got lentil. Okay, we're gonna have to make this work. No, no, you can use the beans.
- [20:56]
E
That they use the actual ingredients.
- [20:58]
B
You can use the actual ingredients. They're all around you. You may make chili the way people make chili, but instead. Poor Matt. I called Matt. I had a buzz on. I just fucking yelled at him. Into the fucking lentil chili.
- [21:12]
C
Yeah.
- [21:12]
D
From the plane.
- [21:14]
B
I was on the ground. They handed me the menu. While I was sitting there, I opened it up, I saw chili and I was like, oh, good. Lentil chili. And then it's like, okay, well, it's. It's fine for lentil chili based chili. It's certainly not as good as chili would be, but that's an impossibility.
- [21:36]
C
But wait a minute.
- [21:37]
B
Yes.
- [21:37]
C
I'm finding a possible solution to this scenario where there's not enough meals. You're being presented a menu prior to boarding the plane.
- [21:45]
B
I know. Sitting. Sitting on. Sitting in my pod. Still enough time on the ride home.
- [21:52]
C
Okay. You're sitting there. They haven't taken off.
- [21:55]
B
No, they have not.
- [21:55]
C
Let's get a head count on the God damn classic lasagna.
- [22:00]
B
Well, no lasagna on the flight home. I sat in the middle, but just in theory.
- [22:06]
C
Yeah.
- [22:07]
B
No, you're. This is a moral victory for you, Fitz dog. There's no. No lasagna. No, don't think I didn't think about it. The flight home was. I'm sitting in the middle. I'm not gonna get cheated on. Lasagna. No. No. Lentil based chili.
- [22:19]
E
There wasn't even a choice.
- [22:21]
B
They had a weird chicken thing and a lentil based chili. Chili.
- [22:25]
D
They got the name of that. Get more people to order it.
- [22:28]
B
Oh, oh. They had beef salad, which is always like cold beef salad. It's always, ew, it's weird. I don't know who orders the beef salad. Like, cold beef has no flavor. Like, it goes away.
- [22:42]
D
That's the last thing you'd order on an airplane. You might get that at like a place that does that. Yeah.
- [22:48]
B
I was for sure gonna get in on the lasagna on the flight home, but they had the cold beef salad and some kind of weird chicken thing and it's fucking sucked.
- [22:55]
D
Can you imagine poor Matt Fondelier getting a call? He knows Adam's about to board a flight and he's like, what could this be? Missed a flight? Got a car accident. Nope. Complaining about the menu on the flight.
- [23:05]
B
No, don't worry. In the first class lounge, they had vegetarian lentil soup. We're fucking done with it.
- [23:11]
C
Just to get enough gas going.
- [23:14]
B
I know. Then I had the worst thought. I had a thought that was more devastating than this whole wasabi encrusted salmon. On the flight back, I'd. I had a couple of cocktails. I'd watch half of blended just to see. I had morbid curiosity. And I don't know where. I don't know where this thought came from, but I just thought, I think Yoko Ono is the most famous Japanese person in America. Ooh. I thought, well, the most famous Japanese woman in America. Yeah. And then I thought, wait a minute. I think it's the person in America. And then I thought, maybe the world, like, is Yoko? I mean, she's so horrible. But I thought, and I posed this a few times to people.
- [24:14]
E
What other Japanese person?
- [24:15]
B
Well, they do the semi racist, like, well, what about Margaret Cho? And I was like, not Japanese, Korean and not more famous, but okay, Japan.
- [24:24]
D
Or of Japanese descent.
- [24:26]
B
Any. I'll take anything.
- [24:27]
C
I was bena. A guy.
- [24:31]
B
Somebody did say Benjamin Hana Somebody did say Godzilla was a woman.
- [24:35]
D
She was, because she had kids.
- [24:37]
A
You're right.
- [24:37]
B
But she doesn't cause nearly the damage that Yoko. She's burned down a few major metropolitan cities, but. But over the course of time, those have been rebuilt.
- [24:47]
C
True. The Beatles never came back.
- [24:49]
B
That's right.
- [24:49]
D
Can you make a case for Ichiro?
- [24:52]
B
Somebody brought up Ichiro, but Allison doesn't know who Ichiro is, so I know the name.
- [24:57]
E
Oh, is he not an architect?
- [24:59]
B
No, See, that's. This is the problem, right? Yeah, he's evil, but he's not that bad. He plays baseball.
- [25:05]
E
Oh, wait, Kenza is something. Ken Kiichiro Suzuki. What's his first name?
- [25:09]
D
Ichiro Suzuki. They call him Ichiro.
- [25:11]
B
But see, this is no good because there's too many. So I just thought. I just kept running it through my mind, like, my God, Yoko Ono's the most famous Japanese human being in this country. Racking my brain, maybe of all time. And then I thought, God, she's so worthless and she sucks so badly and everyone hates her. And yet she has figured out a way and now everyone goes, well, she did it on the Tales of John, of course. No shit, of course. I know she didn't have her own super popular band that was on the vanguard of cutting edge music. No, I know she sucks, but she did it with John Lennon. But still, I'm now more pissed off.
- [25:54]
E
Her name is completely iconic. She is totally iconic.
- [25:57]
B
So we had. So then when I came in here on Friday, I just said, kaylin, we gotta get to the bottom of this. So I said, you gotta go to the mall and bring your recorder with you. I want to find out if this is right or not.
- [26:14]
D
Oh, could we gamble on this?
- [26:15]
B
We could if you'd like. I thought, well, if not her, then who? You know, and people were throwing out again. The Godzillas and the baseball players and stuff. And the people of any Asian descent, which.
- [26:33]
C
Yo Yo Ma. Japanese.
- [26:37]
B
Jet Li, not Japanese, probably Chinese, but we'll try to figure it out anyway. Kaylin.
- [26:42]
C
Yes.
- [26:43]
B
Now, what do you think, Brian? Now, how would you like to gamble on this?
- [26:47]
D
Born to Paris, Born to Chinese Parents. Do you have them individually recorded or is it one long recording?
- [26:52]
B
I have the individual, he has the.
- [26:54]
C
Numbers, the most important ones.
- [26:56]
D
Let's just hear it then, I guess. What did you ask them? Can you name a more famous person or is Yoko the most famous person?
- [27:02]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person in America?
- [27:05]
D
We should probably hear it, all right? Because there's no way to know what.
- [27:07]
E
My wager is no one named an actual Japanese person.
- [27:11]
C
That's a good one.
- [27:12]
B
All right, let's hear what their answer was.
- [27:16]
C
18. Who's the most famous Japanese person in America? Just throw a name out there.
- [27:21]
E
Anyone who thinks.
- [27:22]
B
Jackie Chan.
- [27:23]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person in America?
- [27:25]
B
Yokon.
- [27:26]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person in America?
- [27:30]
B
Jackie Chan. Two Jackie Chans.
- [27:35]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person in America?
- [27:37]
B
Jacky.
- [27:37]
F
Jack.
- [27:38]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person in America?
- [27:42]
D
Not Japanese.
- [27:44]
B
I don't know if he's Japanese, but like, first name.
- [27:47]
C
That comes to your mind. Just throw it out there.
- [27:48]
B
Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan.
- [27:50]
C
Who's the most famous Japanese person American.
- [27:52]
B
Isn't it like we don't even give a flock. No, I don't know. Who? What'd you say? Oh, the one who's married to like John Lennon or something.
- [28:01]
C
Yoko Ono.
- [28:01]
A
Yoko Ono?
- [28:02]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much.
- [28:04]
D
This is the most offensive segment we've ever done.
- [28:07]
B
Basically, it was all Jackie Chan's.
- [28:09]
C
All the other was. I have no idea.
- [28:11]
B
Most. I have no idea. Jackie Chan came in second and then.
- [28:15]
C
The Yoko Ono in third. He's Chinese.
- [28:17]
D
He was born in China.
- [28:18]
B
He's very Chinese and she's very Japanese and we don't give a shit.
- [28:22]
C
Unreal.
- [28:23]
B
I think really, if they did not have a distinctive menu, like if there wasn't the pork fried rice versus the sushi, we'd have zero. That's about all we got. All. All we got is the spring rolls over here and the sushi over there. I think that's it.
- [28:42]
D
The Iron Chef. But that's. We're talking several steps down. The Japanese Iron Chef.
- [28:46]
B
That's a pata. Says that, but I don't even know his name.
- [28:49]
D
Matsuhisha or. Yeah, Morimoto.
- [28:52]
B
Morimoto. All right. Damn it, man. You think we could do better, right?
- [28:57]
C
I think you couldn't do. I think that if you had said Asian person, you would not have done much worse.
- [29:02]
B
Yeah, I don't think so either.
- [29:04]
C
Who are we missing when we step it out to Asian?
- [29:06]
D
Well, George Takei.
- [29:07]
B
There was a couple George Takeis or Takei's. That was an. But again, considering their culture, our culture, how long their culture has been involved with our culture, you just think we could do a little better than Yoko Ono or Jackie Chan, who's not even from Japan.
- [29:27]
D
Ken Watanabe could make a run at this in a couple of years, but he's not there yet. You know the actor, he's in Godzilla on his. Yeah, but again, several Steps down the road.
- [29:37]
B
All right. Japanese Americans, fucking step it up, would you?
- [29:41]
E
Because Unseat Yoko.
- [29:43]
B
Unseatyoko.
- [29:44]
D
Hashtag, unseat Yoko.
- [29:46]
B
Unseater. I had this thought, and I was like, I was really going over it under my own, you know, during the descent into lax, and I thought, this is so sad. I cannot be the most famous Japanese person in this country, maybe in the world.
- [30:03]
C
It's possible that since World War II, they're keeping a low profile with America.
- [30:07]
B
Poised to strike again.
- [30:09]
C
Right?
- [30:10]
B
That's right.
- [30:11]
C
Don't make noise.
- [30:12]
B
Yeah. And let's get. Let's get them. Let's keep them off balance with the Japanese and the Chinese and the Korean.
- [30:19]
C
We do Bates and switch.
- [30:21]
B
Yeah.
- [30:22]
C
We send Henry Cho over in the 80s to do stand up.
- [30:25]
B
Yeah.
- [30:26]
C
Then we send him into low profile.
- [30:28]
B
Remember when there was the Japanese female comedian who dated. Oh, God, we're gonna come up with her name for a second. She was like, you know, there was a time in the 80s when everyone just did stand up, and it was such a novelty that there was a female Japanese standup comedian she dated, Sam Kinison.
- [30:52]
E
Was this like the Judy Tenuta 80s?
- [30:55]
B
Yeah.
- [30:55]
C
Yeah, sounds familiar.
- [30:57]
B
She would say, like, in your country, you have picture of centerfold. In our country, our centerfold Toyota truck. And everyone started like, that's so funny. But it's like somebody. Some Jew guy wrote the thing and handed her these jokes that were Jewish American. David Wilde, most famous, handed him. Handed her the jokes. And then she just repeated them, like, phonetically.
- [31:27]
C
Yeah.
- [31:28]
B
Oh, we're gonna figure. We're gonna. We're gonna find out her name. We're gonna figure it out.
- [31:31]
C
Gary, if she had just dated instead of Kinison John Lennon, she might have had a bigger career.
- [31:39]
B
Yeah, well, she could be the one everyone knew. All right, Gary, figure that out. Let's see. Dated Sam kinison, probably late 80s. Did stand up. Kind of cute dressed. You know, the part like broken English kind of. Kind of stuff. And everything was. Just ended up with Toyota trucks. That was every punchline. She was sort of Yakov Smirnoff, but Japanese female.
- [32:06]
C
Was it Carol Reifer?
- [32:08]
B
Yes.
- [32:09]
C
Okay.
- [32:09]
B
No. DraftKings, baby. Oh, my. Listeners winning huge cash prizes@draftkings.com Malika Suri. Gotta see her now. We gotta find out. We gotta find out. I don't know why that name doesn't seem. Doesn't seem familiar, but we'll find out. This is big in the 80s. She's big in the 80s. This was who he dated at the end of his second marriage, which dissolved in the late 80s. And then he substituted. But is this person a stand up comedian? It says that she did do stand up. No, this is like one of the floozies he dated. I need stand up. All right. Oh, yeah, I think it's Tomoya Atsuki. Yeah, I think that's her. Sorry. Yes.
- [32:57]
D
Christy Yamaguchi.
- [32:59]
B
Yeah. The problem with all these answers is you kind of go, eh, you know, I'm not gonna fault you for spitting it out. But doesn't beat Yoko ono, Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi. That was tossed out a couple times too.
- [33:14]
E
Connie Chung, but I don't think she's Japanese.
- [33:18]
B
Yeah. All right, now we gotta find her doing stand up. All right, let's see. We got some news. We got some more stuff to complain about. Let me see what else. Fitz Dog, what do you got going on?
- [33:33]
C
Well, we got this big show Saturday. Sarah Silverman's gonna join me at the improv. We're gonna do some stand up.
- [33:39]
B
Coming. That's November 1st.
- [33:41]
C
November 1st.
- [33:42]
B
Hollywood improv.
- [33:43]
C
Yeah. Otherwise, what do we got going on? I was, you know, thinking about when you were talking about the food. I just want to come back to that for a second because you gotta think like people Yelp and they review food and you talk about how was your food and you know, five star, four star restaurants. And you gotta think there's countries where the Yelp review is like, how is your food? I didn't have any. And they gotta be looking at us going like, wait, you go on a computer and you rate and describe the meal. Yeah, you had one.
- [34:18]
B
I love the.
- [34:19]
C
That seems good.
- [34:20]
B
I love. Again, just a great first world problem to have where we're reviewing food online. I think we have a tamayo. What is this from Arsenio show or something?
- [34:35]
F
I think it's Byron Allen.
- [34:36]
B
Byron Allen. Better. Here we go. In a robe. She's wearing the robe.
- [34:42]
C
Oh, God, no. And socks.
- [34:48]
G
Thank you.
- [34:48]
E
Thank you very much.
- [34:49]
G
Very much. I'm Tomoyo Tsuki. I'm from Japan. One of you American people's favorite country.
- [34:58]
A
Hello.
- [35:01]
G
Favorite country.
- [35:05]
B
That's.
- [35:05]
G
Okay, so some of you people are ticked off.
- [35:07]
E
Okay.
- [35:09]
G
You think every Japanese are rich, huh? That's not true. That's why nowadays it's lots of pressure being Japanese and being broke. It's almost like being a big black man and have small feet.
- [35:28]
B
She put the feet in there, so she switched it at the end.
- [35:31]
C
You thought she was gonna misdirect.
- [35:34]
G
I'm just trying to make my Point across. I'm sure you have big feet.
- [35:40]
E
I know.
- [35:43]
G
Yeah, we Japanese love American people. Only think we are so surprised you people are still fighting in the war. I mean, we Japanese don't fight in the war anymore. Thanks to your American people. Thank you very much for dropping big bombs that time. We thought we were kicking butt. We didn't know because nowadays it's great. We have cnn, they tell you what's exactly happening. We know what's happening. But those days, 1940, only thing we had was one radio and Emperor Hirohito. So we didn't hito that. We are kicking butt. About 20Americans left in America. So we are getting ready to have a wrap party. Then you know, you just drop the bomb.
- [36:32]
C
Really big one, two of them.
- [36:35]
B
Look at the bombing.
- [36:36]
G
We all went to.
- [36:40]
F
Jesus priority.
- [36:42]
G
Forget this war. We're gonna make computers.
- [36:48]
B
Oh, she's gotta say Toyota truck.
- [36:53]
D
But she dealt with the elephant in.
- [36:54]
B
The living room with the bomb.
- [36:55]
G
We switched by now. We Japanese showed you a good example which is if you stop fighting in the war, you can own the world. You know what? I'm too Americanized for thing and I don't look like a sushi.
- [37:10]
B
But taking a robe off.
- [37:12]
C
There we go.
- [37:13]
G
I am.
- [37:13]
C
Show me the feet.
- [37:15]
B
I really am. Oh yeah, Footstep likes the feet.
- [37:19]
G
I can't do this now. But I've just started. Okay, well, okay.
- [37:26]
A
All right.
- [37:27]
B
Oh, she's wearing it.
- [37:29]
E
You should wearing high tops, right?
- [37:31]
B
Wearing high tops. Everyone had to wear high tops.
- [37:34]
G
Being influenced. My American girlfriend. So I started liking sex and.
- [37:41]
B
I.
- [37:41]
G
Have lots of American girlfriend. They tell me lots of things. And the other day I had, you know, like a guy. But everybody have to be careful, you know, you have to use condoms, right? Condoms. Especially when you don't know the person. You have to, you know. And so I saw him again and that time I didn't use a condom because I knew him already.
- [38:04]
E
Okay.
- [38:04]
G
I. I like black men too. Black men are sexy, aren't they?
- [38:08]
B
Yeah.
- [38:11]
G
They all say ooh baby, baby.
- [38:15]
E
Makes.
- [38:16]
G
Us feel like we a hot chick. You know, My father called me and this is a true story. My father said, tamayo, I heard that you have a broker boyfriend. No broker boyfriend. You know, my father is like old fashioned. He's like Japanese redneck, you know. Actually he's yellow so makes him an orange neck, you know. So he said no. I got really upset. So I said okay, fine, then I'm gonna date with Korean guys. He said, stay with the black guys.
- [38:51]
C
Thank you very much.
- [38:52]
B
Ah, It's a closer. Fuck the Koreans.
- [38:57]
D
What if she dropped the accent? It was like, thank you very much.
- [38:59]
C
Walked across.
- [38:59]
D
Blew everyone's mind.
- [39:01]
C
No, I think you're right. There was a couple of Jew writers coming up with that material because she barely speaks the language. And the jokes were like classic 80s.
- [39:10]
E
Stand up jokes, but also political humor weirdly sprinkled in there. I can't get over Greg yelling, show me the feet, sister.
- [39:17]
C
Get these motherfuckers out and get me some Jews.
- [39:22]
E
He likes the Asian ones, the Asian feet. He told us they're cute.
- [39:25]
B
It's a way just to cash in when. When everyone is in the grips of just sort of stand up mania. You find this good looking petite Asian woman. Get her. She's a little cross eyed. Get her to tell a bunch of. And it's easy. We'll just feed her Berlitz style. We'll just feed her jokes and she'll memorize them. Well, it's like you're talking about the Beatles on tape. The Beatles would sing like Love Me do in German or something. Or like I want to hold your hand in German or something. They just repeat it. I mean, they wouldn't even know what they were saying. I'm sure they would just write, make your song in German. And someone just probably fed her the jokes. And she.
- [40:07]
C
And the great part is because of that appearance, thousands of people paid to see her do an hour at a club somewhere. And there was more. It was like the AIDS walk coming out of that auditorium. Thousands of people just, I want money back.
- [40:26]
B
But she kicked open the door for all the female Japanese comedians who came after her.
- [40:32]
D
Think how many people owe their careers to.
- [40:33]
B
She's a trailblazer for all those women whose names we can't think of right now who are less famous than Yoko Ono, can we? And then we can't do. You can't do Margaret Cho. We gotta do Japanese.
- [40:44]
D
They're all nipping at Yoko's heels.
- [40:46]
B
Oh, watch it.
- [40:47]
C
Watch that word.
- [40:48]
B
Watch heels. Just watch it.
- [40:50]
C
Son of a bitch.
- [40:51]
B
All right, one last thing and we're going to get into some news. Are you guys with me on two things as it pertains to the flying and the jack that you plug your headphones in, right? On some planes, they're in the arm, but they're underneath the curve of the arm. Some they're in the thing to the right. Some they plug into the side of the arm against your hip. The other ones are on the bottom of the arm. The others are on top of the.
- [41:27]
D
Arm and your special pod, they go behind your ear sometimes.
- [41:30]
B
Special pod behind your ear.
- [41:32]
E
Sometimes they're under the hand of the person sitting next to you, Right?
- [41:34]
B
True. Behind your ear and up. And it's not like they're red. It's just black plastic with a 18 hole in it that doesn't say anything other than. And I'm in a sea of black. Every single time I fly. If I ever try to listen to the movie or plug the thing in something other than my iPhone, it's always this long process of looking, lifting the arm, looking under the arm, looking around, trying to cheat off the other passengers. Where's this guy got his shit plugged into this time? I just said to the stewardess, I said, I don't know where this plug? Where is the plug? She's like, oh, it's sort of behind you and up and on this thing. And it's like. Like, why not paint it red? Yeah, why not just make it a different color than the sea of black that it is resting upon. And there's like three other buttons under it that are exactly the same size. Why do we always have to fucking get a posse together and launch a fucking. Why do we have to go. It's like the Fugitive. I wanna.
- [42:35]
D
I wanna mend every.
- [42:38]
B
This Jack had a 90 minute head start on me and it's on foot traveling at 3.7 miles an hour. I want a hard target search of every. Yeah, I mean, why?
- [42:49]
C
It's like a G spot. You gotta go under up. You never find it, doesn't exist. And then she punches you in the.
- [42:56]
B
Why? Why can't that thing just be universally red? And the one that's like up under the seat, like the one that's under the arm somewhere during the many things they discussed, the 250 things they discussed, couldn't that be one of the things they broach? Yeah, your jack is between the seats under the arm.
- [43:16]
E
The funny thing is that when looking for it, I always hold the end of the headphones in my hands as if somehow that'll lead me to it.
- [43:22]
C
Defining.
- [43:23]
B
Come on, boy.
- [43:24]
F
Where are we going?
- [43:25]
B
Come on. Yeah, like somehow it's a divining rod. You're just gonna hold it and see if. Dangle it.
- [43:31]
C
Let it.
- [43:32]
B
See if it starts pulling a certain direction or pushing another direction. That's what I do too. It's like I start holding it out and then I start looking under things and around things. It'll be everywhere but the place that it should be, and it'll Never be a different color than anything else. And then this, because I was watching at a six hour flight. So I was watching some movies on the way back when they interrupt, when they break in, when they come in from the. You know, you're watching your movie Blended. Blended, for example. For example. And at some point the captain's gotta chime in because he's asked to explain we're coming into some turbulence or we're on final approach or whatever he's gonna break in with. Why does his break in need to be 250 decibels louder than whatever it is you're fucking listening to? Why do you have to be literally startled? Like you're sort of chillaxing. You're in that sort of had a couple Bloody Marys. And I'm half in and half out. I'm watching Jon Favreau as Chef. And I'm laying back and all of a sudden it's like. And you're watching it and Favreau's like, look, when I go with the wasabi encrusted salmon from the cockpit, like, you fucking jump. It's like, why?
- [44:50]
C
Because they want you to know they are really important. All this shit. You're watching Chef and the first half of Blended. Yeah, that's. That's not what we're here for.
- [44:59]
B
But the screen has been interrupted. Like there. You can no longer watch what you're watching. The screen turns into the announcement screen. So it's not like you don't you have my attention because I'm watching the screen. Why does it have to startle me? It is that loud. Why couldn't it just be commensurate with whatever it is you're listening to?
- [45:22]
C
You're not competing with Adam Sandler. You already won. You already won.
- [45:26]
B
You've taken over my screen. You've taken over my earphones. The floor is yours, dear captain. Now say what you have to say. My fucking eardrums are bleeding.
- [45:35]
C
And by the way, I know what you're gonna say.
- [45:38]
B
And I'm now scared shitless that you're gonna chime in again and I'm gonna spill my drink on myself. So I'm gonna turn down Blended, which is dialogue. You know that's a dialogue based movie, right? And now I'm not getting what I want.
- [45:50]
C
And if you miss a plot point on Blended.
- [45:52]
D
Good luck.
- [45:53]
B
Good luck. Now which one is Blended again?
- [45:57]
D
Come on.
- [45:58]
E
For the listener who doesn't know, put up the poster.
- [46:01]
B
Sandler's latest offering.
- [46:03]
C
Well, you saw the first half. Drew Barrymore and it really makes. And I realize I saw the first half and I wonder, could they not have saved a lot of money on that movie by just shooting the first half?
- [46:14]
B
Yeah.
- [46:14]
D
Oh, no one would have bothered tuning in for this.
- [46:16]
C
They wouldn't have noticed.
- [46:17]
B
They wouldn't have noticed.
- [46:18]
E
Safari in this one.
- [46:19]
C
Yes.
- [46:20]
D
Do they go on safari?
- [46:21]
B
I didn't get that safari into it. I stopped. I didn't get past her super annoying sons that were driving me nuts. All right, let's see. We have Fitz Dog in here. We have some news. Ah, Mangria, by the way, is in Pennsylvania, for those of you who didn't know. And it's gonna be there at the console energy center where the Penguins play. Every time the Penguins play. So you can go ask for it. Yeah, it's kind of cool.
- [47:00]
C
Nice.
- [47:00]
B
Of course, the first tweet I got was I went and asked. The person behind the counter had no idea what I was talking about, which is how everything in life, I now realize this is just how life works. I'm no longer upset or surprised. It's just. It's gonna be at the Penguins game and then I went to the guy and the guy didn't know what I meant. That's.
- [47:19]
C
It's good.
- [47:19]
B
That's a new world order.
- [47:20]
C
Penguins fans will be able to get a little intoxicated for the games.
- [47:23]
B
Finally, hockey fans can catch a buzz.
- [47:25]
C
Right.
- [47:26]
B
Long time coming. And so keep them, keep it going. And also, if you order enough, they'll stock more. I think Pennsylvania is one of these places where the government, where the state decides how much to purchase.
- [47:42]
D
Oh, really? States have archaic rules and they're all different.
- [47:46]
B
I feel like in 2014, now that the Internet has basically just made everything the same. Age of consent, driver's license, you know, military, whatever.
- [48:01]
C
How distant a relative you can marry. Yes.
- [48:04]
B
Let's just go ahead and pick whatever makes the most sense and go with it across the board. And by the way, then you will not make criminals of people who travel to other states and don't know what the rules are to that given state.
- [48:16]
C
Yeah, imagine being gay, married and driving on a cross country trip. You don't know which state you can fuck in.
- [48:22]
B
Hold on. This is Sandler's next movie, Blended Jizz. It's called yes, you don't know you're gonna be fuckin wanted in that. Or I mean, honestly, if you live in Hawaii and the age of consent is, I don't know, 14, and you're used to banging 14 year olds and then you move To Maryland.
- [48:41]
C
Well, it's tough. Cause banging an 18 year old at that point, it feels like. This is disgusting.
- [48:47]
B
It's like Lucille Ball at the end of her career. This is horrible.
- [48:51]
C
Is it in your ass?
- [48:52]
B
I don't know which hole it's in. Yeah. Oh, the stretch marks and I mean, she's a kitchen scar or what happened there.
- [48:59]
C
Well, that's just it. You're looking at the scars on her body, but at least she's making you laugh during it, you know? And that goes a long way during bad sex. A couple of punchlines, maybe some insult comedy.
- [49:09]
B
They had to be weird with Sam Kenison and Yakshamuchi. Right? Like he had to pretend like they were in the comedy was the bond that was bringing them together when he just learned a fucking Asian chick.
- [49:20]
C
Right, right.
- [49:20]
B
Well, you know what I'm saying. Kennis probably had to give her some rap about. Yeah, comedy, comedy. We're both, you know, we're both. This is our passion. We can come together.
- [49:29]
C
Bring your writers taglines for him after shows. You know, Sam, maybe you make joke about computers.
- [49:37]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, sweetheart. Keep sucking.
- [49:40]
C
No, seriously, Sam.
- [49:41]
B
Yeah, it's good stuff.
- [49:43]
C
I mean, that thing you do about ex wife, it's funnier with rice. You make a rice reference.
- [49:49]
B
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. Just listen. Let me just get the last button of my trench coat open and turn my beret around.
- [49:55]
C
Yeah, but I feel like you're not taking my comedy seriously.
- [49:58]
B
You know what you should do? Write some of those jokes down before you forget them.
- [50:01]
E
Yes.
- [50:02]
B
And then fucking burn them.
- [50:04]
C
But I burned them like the bomb.
- [50:05]
B
You know, the thing is, is when you're pitching jokes, you're not sucking dick. It's hard to do them both at the same time. So if we could just kind of get that over with, then we could focus on the cops.
- [50:15]
C
Well, if I not have to make eye contact with you, like you insist. Maybe I look at paper, write jokes.
- [50:21]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [50:22]
C
Why I need to look at you so much?
- [50:23]
B
Cause I'm sort of in charge and I just need to be blown. But I love comedy. You love comedy. That's why we're cracking together. Yeah, together.
- [50:30]
C
Open for you.
- [50:31]
B
Yes, you can open for Pauly Shore. Who he opens for Elaine Boozo. So it's like opening for me. You know what I mean? Except for it's Polly Shore and Elaine Boozo.
- [50:41]
C
Okay, so this is step two, opening for you someday.
- [50:45]
B
It's a step to middling for Elaine Boozler.
- [50:47]
C
Ah, Elaine Boover.
- [50:48]
B
Boozler. Booer. Boozler, A Rain Brewer. Now you're confusing me, Elaine.
- [50:56]
C
Jim Brewer.
- [50:57]
B
Jim Brewer, right.
- [50:58]
C
I opened for Jim Brewer. Yeah, I have funny jokes for him.
- [51:06]
B
All right, where are we? Ah, us. Second show in Portland and second show in Seattle. And the first shows are sold out, so you can go look, look for those as well. And we got a bunch of live shows coming around, so go to amcroll.com and you can figure out where we're going to be. And we'll do some Mangria signings and all that good stuff. Why don't we do some news with Allison Rosen, shall we? The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.
- [51:45]
C
It's Allison, Allison.
- [51:50]
E
There's a school shooting Friday in Washington state. 14 year old named Jalen Freiberg was the shooter and he's dead. Another student is dead. And then four students are injured with head injuries or in the hospital.
- [52:04]
B
Now this guy wasn't the nerd that was picked on.
- [52:07]
E
No, that's the weird thing about this. It doesn't really fit what we expect the shooters to be. Their profile. He was popular. He was a homecoming prince. He was liked by a lot of people. He was Native American. People thought he was going to become a leader. Charismatic. So not the bullied nerd. Although apparently a couple things happened recently. One, he broke up with his girlfriend. And two, he got in some sort of fight with someone at school and someone may have used a Native American Slurpee.
- [52:38]
B
Well, that didn't.
- [52:39]
E
So that caused him to snap.
- [52:41]
B
Yeah.
- [52:41]
D
Are there any American slurs?
- [52:43]
E
A lot of guns in the home. He was into hunting. Oh. Also, his family was still intact and he was close to his dad. Like one of his favorite things to do was go hunting with his dad and his brother and be in the woods.
- [52:56]
B
Well, a couple things. There's a certain percentage of our society is going to freak out and shoot other members of our society. I think that's kind of always been a given. Although we didn't always have guns. But people would go on fucking hatchet wielding, stabbing, slashing sprees back in the day, I imagine I'm always just. I just assume there's always going to be a very small percentage of people that kill others.
- [53:25]
E
You just hope that you could see signs in them. And I should have mentioned that all the people who were shot were either his cousins or close friends.
- [53:33]
B
Boo. The problem with the signs part is we. You then put together that composite where it's like, well, he got picked on and his girlfriend broke up with him and he was failing algebra. And it's like, yeah, all the shit you and everyone else went through when you were in high school. So with that algorithm, we just have to put every. We have to incarcerate every human being that ever went through the 10th grade.
- [53:55]
E
I do think the signs. That's always done in hindsight.
- [53:59]
B
Yeah. And I'll tell you, for a guy, the breaking up with the girlfriend when you're 15 and the hormones are flying, that is the most insane thing on the planet.
- [54:11]
C
Absolutely. If I had had guns in my house when Charlotte Bourne dumped me.
- [54:17]
B
Right.
- [54:20]
C
Bourne would have been dead.
- [54:21]
B
Yes.
- [54:22]
C
I'm not. That's her real name. I should say that, right? She'd be unborn.
- [54:26]
E
Why'd she break up with you? Or why did she say she did?
- [54:28]
C
I want to say for the record, I. I may not have been going out with her at the time she broke up with me. I may have indeed floated a rumor that we were dating, hoping the way Henry Kissinger would with trying to end the Vietnam War. You float a rumor.
- [54:43]
D
Float the whisper campaign.
- [54:44]
C
Whisper campaign. And the whisper campaign didn't get any traction with actually Charlotte Bourne. So by saying she broke up with me, she may have clarified that distinction with me.
- [54:56]
B
Yeah.
- [54:57]
C
Just as hurtful, just more hurtful because you didn't even have the joy of having been going out with them in the first place.
- [55:04]
B
The only real acceptable answer, by the way, for why did she break up with you? Is my cock was too wide.
- [55:13]
D
Girthy.
- [55:14]
B
Yeah. It's just too much width.
- [55:16]
C
Right?
- [55:16]
B
Not length so much, but width.
- [55:18]
C
No, no, it barely got in.
- [55:20]
B
Yeah.
- [55:20]
C
And it was already balls deep.
- [55:22]
B
That was the problem.
- [55:22]
C
But it was the width. I mean, when you. When you hear. When the balls are knocking on the taint, like they want to come in the door and it's already fully in the door.
- [55:30]
B
Yeah.
- [55:31]
C
That's not a long. That's not very long.
- [55:32]
B
You sound like Chick Hearns. Now we got the. Let's see. Oh, the jello's in the fridge. The. The. Let's see. What would he say?
- [55:44]
D
I don't know. It would form my time. Kiss the babies or something.
- [55:47]
B
Chick Churns would say, jello's jiggling in the fridge. Butters on ice and Sack knocking on the taint's door.
- [55:55]
D
Did he say that? Because that's remarkably end of time for a broadcast.
- [55:59]
B
He is. The mustard's off the hot dog and sack's knocking on the taint. Put a fork in it. This one's done, right? It would be funny.
- [56:08]
C
The Hawaiian punch guy crashed through the door.
- [56:12]
B
You know, it'd be funny. The weird, bizarrely sexual, subliminal sports announcer who would do it like, oh, puts him in the popcorn machine, Blows the chacha. The mustard's off the hot dog. Sack knocking on the taint. Put the gel in the fridge and close the door. The guy sitting next to him would have to keep going like, whoa. What? What did you say? I said the mustard's off the hot dog. Didn't you say something about jell o on the. Hey, are we calling a game or are we calling a game?
- [56:41]
C
It's a power play. It's an old power play term. The salmon are swimming upstream and they're throwing up in the donuts. What do we got in St. Louis tonight?
- [56:51]
B
That would be just so the mustard's off the hot dog. Sam is going upstream. He put him in the popcorn machine. And we have a engorged vulva.
- [57:02]
D
Yeah, we sure do.
- [57:03]
A
Chicken.
- [57:04]
E
Wait a minute.
- [57:04]
C
Did you say huh?
- [57:05]
B
Huh?
- [57:05]
D
You seen gorgeous vulva?
- [57:06]
B
I said no. I said the mustard's off the hot dog when he blows the cha cha. I could have put him in the popcorn machine, but he blew the cha cha.
- [57:14]
D
Okay, Tom chambers posts up on James Worthy. That's out of bounds. You were saying something thing chick that.
- [57:19]
B
I said the jello is jiggling in the fridge.
- [57:21]
D
Got that?
- [57:22]
B
I said. I said the mustard's out the hot dog.
- [57:26]
D
Uhhuh. Uhhuh.
- [57:27]
B
More you're famous balls punishing the taint. And put him in the popcorn machine. We gotta call the game cuz we're back from commercial.
- [57:35]
D
Brings it up court.
- [57:37]
B
It would be fun if you could just get him to weave a couple things in there. The guys hitting the pause button wouldn't know what to do. Like on the 10 second delay, couldn't hit it.
- [57:48]
C
The mustard's off the hot dog, the popcorn is popping and his finger just went through the toilet paper. Now let's check out some third quarter stats.
- [57:57]
B
Yep, the great Chick Hearns.
- [58:00]
E
So we're looking at a list of chickisms and slam dunk is attributed to him. Hearn's most famous phrase. A powerful shot where a player forces the ball through the rim with one or both hands. Did he invent slam dunk?
- [58:12]
D
I'm pretty sure he did.
- [58:12]
B
I think he did.
- [58:14]
E
Wow.
- [58:14]
B
And more famous than Yoko Ono.
- [58:18]
D
True.
- [58:19]
B
You. Although no Japanese guy ever slammed dunk. The.
- [58:22]
C
Although it might have been a frat guy when a girl was ass up in the air passed out in a fraternity house. I think slam dunk might have started there.
- [58:32]
B
He the. The great Deacon Jones. As we've discussed on the show many times, he invented the term sacked quarterback.
- [58:43]
D
Put the quarterback in a sack.
- [58:45]
B
No, no, no. He described it as sacking a town, like coming into a wartime thing, which is like rolling in and sacking the town.
- [58:56]
D
That's interesting because I've heard old timey announcers say, hey, put the quarterback in a sack. But I wonder if they sort of, you know, perverted it from his original sort of meaning.
- [59:04]
B
Or maybe they just didn't know what correctly. Or they didn't know what he meant.
- [59:07]
D
They didn't know what he meant by.
- [59:08]
B
Part of the discussion he was having when he was talking about going upside a man or a woman's head. Was sacking. Was sacking the town. Looked at it as raining down on the town, like a wartime thing. All right, Gary o', Flynn, where were we?
- [59:24]
E
All right, so there's some debate about whether there should be an involuntary quarantine for people who arrive, for medical workers who arrive back in the States after having been in West Africa helping with Ebola over there. And a woman, Casey Hickok, a nurse who was placed under mandatory quarantine in New Jersey, has. She went on CNN and she was very upset about what she calls the knee jerk reaction by politicians to quarantine someone without a better plan in place, without more forethought. It's just preposterous. And she feels like her human rights have been violated. She's tested negative for Ebola two or three times. She has no symptoms, but she was still put immediately in a tent and wasn't allowed to talk to a lawyer. Not allowed to have her luggage. She was given paper scrubs to wear. She said she had no shower, no flushable toilet, and the hospital gave her no television or reading material.
- [60:18]
B
Oh, now wait a minute. This is where I step in. No fucking cable. No, I'm sorry. You don't do that to another American.
- [60:27]
C
I'll sit around in a paper mache dress and take a shit into a bucket.
- [60:32]
B
Listen, but I gotta have some cable.
- [60:34]
E
The hospital said the patient has computer access, use of her cell phone, reading material, magazines, newspapers, as requested, and has received takeout, food and drink. And then she said the tent has a window and doctors talk to her in normal clothes from outside the window. So there's no risk to them talking to me outside the window. It doesn't make any sense that my lawyer wouldn't be able to do the same.
- [60:56]
D
It's.
- [60:56]
B
Look, she's caught up. Here's the problem. First off, people that have been infected have been on flights and no one on the flight got whatever it is. So I don't, I'm not that worried about it. On the other hand, nobody wants to be the one who said, oh, you're cool, go on the cruise or hit the mall or go to Epcot center and then have a breakout. So that can't happen on anyone's watch. So everyone just has to be basically like a lawyer who works for a network who just goes, no, you can't say that. And you can't do that and you can't use that because, because there is no reward. No one finds the person and goes, who let that person go about their life? They should get an award. Because that person wasn't, did not, never spread it. But if you do spread it, that person will be fired.
- [61:40]
E
It's sort of, it's become a conflict between politicians and the medical community and the disease community, because the nation's top infectious disease expert is warning that if you do this, if you do this, mandatory 21 day quarantine, which is unnecessary, necessary, you're going to discourage volunteers from traveling to the danger zone. But then politicians, especially Chris Christie has been very vocal about this, are like, we can't take any chances. So he gave a news conference Saturday. He said, I'm sorry if in any way she, the nurse was inconvenienced, but inconvenience that could occur from having folks that are symptomatic and ill out amongst the public is a much, much greater concern of mine. I hope she recovers quickly. And then she said she has nothing to recover from. She's fine, her temperature is normal. He's nothing great with her.
- [62:24]
C
Yeah, he's the, he's just the greatest guy to ingest almost no knowledge before making statements. He's famous for that.
- [62:31]
B
Yes.
- [62:32]
C
And it's. Well, the other thing they worry about is that if you make it such a nightmare to come back, people just gonna lie. Oh, I wasn't over there. I didn't help anybody.
- [62:39]
B
Yeah. And the part I hate is the part of the people that are doing the Lord's work are the ones getting punished with no table state side or Ebola.
- [62:48]
D
Cruel nasia.
- [62:49]
B
But look, politicians, this is a perfect, this is a perfect case for politicians, which is, I'm not gonna travel over there and do shit. I'm never gonna have to sit in a fucking tent stateside for three weeks. So I'm gonna make these sweeping proclamations about the safety of Americans being number one. And on my watch, I don't even if someone has to be inconvenient. My number one job is the safety of the people, my community. You know. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Votes, votes, votes. Hero, Hero, hero. And he's gonna go down, block a bridge and get some ice cream. Now I've gotta go block a bridge and get some ice cream. I need some soft swirl and I gotta block a bridge. If Ebola wasn't, he should end every news conference with that. I need a soft swirl cone and I gotta block a bridge. Excuse me. And he just gets up and waves.
- [63:40]
C
I'm gonna block a bridge and block an artery. Gotta get outta here.
- [63:43]
D
Undermines the message a little bit. You should try it.
- [63:45]
B
Try it.
- [63:45]
D
Give it a shot.
- [63:46]
B
Yeah. So this is perfect for politicians because no one's gonna get it. No one really. It's.
- [63:52]
E
If it wasn't all over the news, we would have no idea any of this is going on. Like it could not affect the majority of people left.
- [63:58]
B
Statistically, you being killed by bees is much. Is much greater statistically for your demise from a swarm of bees. Because I'm sure when this whole thing blows over in this time period, there will be more people killed by bees and falling trees than there will be Ebola. But this is great for politicians, cuz politicians talking about bees and trees, it's no good. They don't get any traction with that. They don't seem like chaos.
- [64:25]
C
It's not trending. I can only make a comment on what's trending.
- [64:27]
B
That's right.
- [64:28]
E
Speaking of the Ebola fear, here's a story that I wanted to get to last week, but I didn't have a chance. But there was an Ohio bridal shop that the nurse who. One of the nurses who came down with Ebola had. She was engaged and she visited that bridal shop before coming down with Ebola. And business for that bridal shop completely shut down for a little while because everyone was afraid to go to this bridal shop called Coming Attractions because it.
- [64:52]
B
Looks like a mortuary. It looks like a mortuary.
- [64:56]
D
There's some windows in there, man. Show off the goods.
- [64:58]
E
You can come see our dresses and never leave. It does look. It does. I wonder if it was a mortuary before.
- [65:05]
B
This marriage is going to last forever because you're never fucking leaving this casket.
- [65:09]
C
Yeah. Maybe they should combine. The two times are tough. That's right.
- [65:14]
B
One stop shopping. I don't know why. I don't know what a mortuary even looks like. But this bridal shop looks like a mortuary.
- [65:21]
E
Yeah, it looks sort of like a chapel. Yes, this one does.
- [65:24]
B
Yes. So business has dropped off because. And she's. Because it turns.
- [65:31]
E
Well. So they did this whole UV cleansing thing, which the CDC said they didn't need to do, but they wanted to do it for appearances, so that people would feel comfortable coming back in there. Although, again, looking at this photo, no one should be comfortable going in there.
- [65:47]
B
No, you're leaving. You're not coming out, you're not coming out. And besides, anyone who knows anything about science knows that chiffon is super fertile soil for disease. Yeah, it's a breeding ground for disease.
- [66:03]
C
Plus, you're wearing a veil. How are you going to catch anything?
- [66:06]
B
It's a good point, you know, I.
- [66:07]
C
Mean, that's why they actually started the veils, because wedding gowns started during the first plague. And so they said, we got to save. If we got to save anybody, let's save the brides. Because really, they're gonna have the baby. Yeah. I mean, if we're gonna keep humanity going.
- [66:23]
B
Right.
- [66:24]
C
Save only the brides, and then all the men should be able to have sex with them, really. To make sure that they're as productive as possible.
- [66:32]
B
Right.
- [66:32]
C
That's why they don't have a back.
- [66:33]
E
The veil's for.
- [66:34]
C
Yeah, there's no back on those wedding dresses, if you've noticed.
- [66:38]
B
But ultimately, there's gonna be a windfall for this place. Right. Because it gets in the news, people talk about it, people get outraged. And you lost a couple of weeks of work. But.
- [66:48]
E
But a bowl of fans. A bowl of fans will be throwing themselves through the doors. Speaking of buttless gowns, I completely forgot to mention that when I had my uterus procedure some weeks ago. I don't know if you know about this, Greg, but I know you know about the one I had a couple years ago. I had to have some. They thought they were fibroids. Turns out they were polyps. Doctor described it as like scraping mushrooms off the inside of my uterus.
- [67:13]
B
Anyway, that wasn't painful. It's the pig that found them. That was the uncomfortable part of the procedure. I think they have dogs that can do it now, too. That's what I'm saying. Not only was it embarrassing, and I would call it inappropriate, but obviously painful.
- [67:28]
E
Because they gave me a pill to put up Arnold.
- [67:30]
B
Come here, boy.
- [67:31]
E
They gave me a pill to put up my vagina first to soften my cervix so it would dilate more. But they didn't tell me it's to fit a pig.
- [67:39]
B
Yeah, well, they always keep the snout on the sort of down level.
- [67:44]
C
What they do is they. They scare the pig. They stand behind the pig.
- [67:47]
F
That's right.
- [67:48]
E
What do they yell?
- [67:49]
C
They yell, if you turn around, you're bacon.
- [67:52]
B
Yeah.
- [67:53]
C
So he just goes nostril first in your vagina?
- [67:55]
E
Yeah.
- [67:56]
B
Mm. I think it's E.B. and Mr. Ziffle that does that. I don't know. It's a Green acres thing.
- [68:03]
E
So Wilbur 200.
- [68:04]
B
It's the only. The only famous pig in a sitcom as far as I know was from Green Acres. I think his name was Arnold.
- [68:12]
D
In a sitcom. You're probably right.
- [68:15]
B
Yeah. I mean, the Dukes of Hazzard may have had something.
- [68:18]
D
I'm pretty sure.
- [68:18]
C
Well, it was Hogg, right?
- [68:21]
B
His name was Arnold.
- [68:23]
D
Wait, wait, there's Honey Boohoo's mom.
- [68:26]
B
Oh, sorry. How dare you?
- [68:27]
E
So anyway, when they had me put the gown on, I forgot to mention they gave me two gowns, and they said, put one on forward and one on backwards.
- [68:36]
B
Mm.
- [68:37]
E
I didn't know if that was. Is that. You're nodding.
- [68:39]
D
That's a good way to prevent things from spilling out, because those things always have the opening in front or back.
- [68:44]
E
So put on two.
- [68:45]
D
It's like you're wearing a little bathrobe.
- [68:47]
E
Yeah. It was smart. I had never seen that before. They could just come up with a butt. With a non. They could come up with a butt full gown.
- [68:54]
B
So is it like when you take two ball caps, go forward and backwards, make it into a Sherlock Holmes hat?
- [69:00]
E
It was like that, but with hospital gowns, there's a lot of fabric is what it was.
- [69:04]
B
I never got that. I got the. I got the. I got the Give me your underpants. When you had to have the. I had to have wrist surgery. You know, and they're like, give us your underpants for wrist surgery. That's what I said. And I said the way they do wrist surgeries, they lay you out on a gurney and they strap you to a sandwich board, and they strap your arm down because they don't want you to flailing about in the middle of their surgery. And I was like, my hand could not get further away from my junk. Why do you need my underpants? And they're like, there's elastic in the band. There could be A static electric charge and your underpants could literally catch on fire. And I just said, where's the box? Because I will sign that box. I will signature. I'll put my initials in the box. If my junk bursts into flames during this procedure, you will not be held liable. Now look for if you put a cigarette out on my sack, then we got a problem. But if the electrostatic charge causes my underpants to burst into flames, it will not cost this facility a penny. But where's the option?
- [70:09]
D
You are willing to indemnify them, right?
- [70:10]
B
Right.
- [70:11]
E
Did they hurt you?
- [70:12]
G
No.
- [70:13]
B
And then, of course, it's smash cut to drugged up me with a club on my hand after the surgery in the back room, attempting to get my both legs through the same hole. You know what I mean? Drooling and flopping about, back asshole and sack hanging out, door cracked open. It's like, cory could have kept my underpants on. Impossible.
- [70:37]
C
But once your hands are strapped into the sandwich board, can't they just take them off themselves?
- [70:41]
B
That's what I would do. I'd like, all right, you can keep your underpants, and then I'd put you under, and then you'd wake up and they'd be gone, and they'd be on my head and I'd be like, what, some sort of magical briefs? I don't know. Hold on, let me turn the light pole around so I can hear you.
- [70:59]
E
Jesus.
- [71:01]
B
Let me explain what 90% of all hospital stuff is. If you shit yourself, we don't want to hassle with it. I learned this quickly because they do that thing where they go, you're going into surgery first thing tomorrow morning, so no fluids and no solid food after midnight the night before. And I go, okay. And then the next time I was going in, I was getting hernia surgery at 5pm and they're like, no fluids and no solid food after midnight the night. And I'm like, well, there's pretty big difference between 9am and 5pm so this isn't much of a science, is it? And realize everything is loosely based on your loosely based stool, which is, we don't want you shitting this place up. And I don't want to fucking clean it up. And I don't want to cut your underpants off you and wipe your asshole because you shit your. Everything is based on the one person that shits themselves.
- [71:56]
E
But when someone comes in for emergency surgery, they aren't like, give him an enema and we'll do this in 17 hours. I mean, they just do it Right away. They obviously can.
- [72:05]
B
That's a very good point. And that speaks to me going, yeah, you're right. Someone gets in a motorcycle accident, it's like. Well, his ribs are poking through his side. When did he last eat? 15 hours. Yeah, we can work on him. No, they just work on him. So, like. Like, they always give you the. Well, the anesthetic. No, no, no, no, no. They don't want you shitting on yourself or pissing yourself. So that's why. Because you're right. Every battlefield, everything that happened on the freeway, all half those people are driving home from McDonald's when they get into this. Great.
- [72:36]
C
I say, just have the classic lasagna around noon anyway, and go in and go, wow, that one snuck past the gully. I guess it had a little stutter step.
- [72:46]
B
All right, let's do. Let's do one more.
- [72:48]
E
Did you guys see people dressed for Halloween on Saturday? Even though Halloween is Friday? I've noticed that people celebrate. If Halloween doesn't fall on a weekend, then people celebrate Halloween the weekend before. However, to me, Friday means it is a weekend. So why is everyone dressed up on Saturday? This story is about Halloween costumes.
- [73:06]
B
My kids had the school whatever on Saturday, which was, to make your point, some sort of mand. This thing where it's like. It's a mandatory parents, blah, blah, blah. I dropped them off on Saturday. I was like, it's not mandatory for me. I'm not working another fucking Saturday. I got one Saturday off in the last six weeks, and I'm not gonna spend it, you know, standing next to some, you know, Wheel of Fun somewhere with these kids running around. But what did you do? Came fucking here. I stood next to one of my fucking cars. That's my Wheel of Fun. I came to the warehouse and was working in the warehouse, which is something I like to do, but I never get a chance to it. And that's right, I cracked a fucking cold one. And I walked in my warehouse and fucked with my cars, which is what daddy wants to do. But, oh, there's Italian Sonny. He's a ninja. And the cheerleader. The cheerleader, I dropped him off. But here was the deal. Tell me what. Where we're living. And you could imagine your parents. So the instructions from my wife were, go and drop them off at school. And at the school, they're having a big thing carnival. And they gotta get a wristband, and they need some money. The wristband, you gotta pay for the wristband. And once you get the wristband, you can go through the haunted House and get yourself a RC Colon, whatever it is. And I'm like, all right, fine, it's $40 a kid. And I'm like, $40? 40 for the. For the Halloween party? Well, the money. I said $40 a kid for the wristband. They're 8 years old. And my wife's like, yeah, it's 40 bucks. The money's going toward the school or whatever. And I'm like, geez, that's a pretty big ask right there for the. It's not a Christmas time thing. There's no pageant or floats or anything. It's just kind of. Kind of run around, 40 bucks ahead.
- [75:11]
C
You think I'm sitting in a pod, you know.
- [75:16]
B
Eating wasabi encrusted salmon.
- [75:18]
D
Not by choice.
- [75:20]
B
Yeah, no, I remember. There's the things. I can definitely afford the 40 bucks a kid. It's more like, could you imagine going to your dad?
- [75:31]
C
No.
- [75:31]
B
And just going. And forget about 40 bucks. Try five bucks. Like, I'm going over here. I need five bucks. My dad would have been like, what the are you for? What? No, I already spent $3 on your fucking tinfoil costume. There's no way you're. No, no.
- [75:45]
C
I remember prom night was the first time that wallet opened up and that free money came out. Before that, it was mow the lawn, rake the leaves, shovel the dry. And you gotta. You got a 50 cents. That's. And you saved up for the fucking haunted house admission fee.
- [76:00]
B
Right?
- [76:01]
C
It wasn't just, I need money. Here's money with. No, no, no friction.
- [76:06]
B
It's so insane. It's so. My dad did such a masterful job of literally going into like, Fred Sanford heart attack mode. If I said, oh, could I have a quarter for the. Oh, a quarter. You know how much. That's a lot of money. Like, everything was such. It was smart. Because here's the way to get your kid to never fucking ask your cheap ass for another penny. He's alive. Which is. Just make a huge deal out of it every single time it comes up. And then don't worry about paying for college. There'll be no discussion of money for the rest of your lives.
- [76:38]
C
Yeah, yeah, college. Do you remember the quarter discussion we had about 50 times?
- [76:43]
B
College is like 2000 quarters every quarter, ironically. Yeah. No, no, no. Wouldn't even have that. Wouldn't even have the discussion. By the way, Deacon Jones. Yes, he would sack the offense. The way city was devastated when it was sacked. Prior to that, the term was dump. Wow, speaking of the static charge to the underpants dump so, I'm sorry, what was going on? Oh, the outfits. Yes.
- [77:12]
E
Yeah. Well, so anyway, despite stories that Ebola costumes are popular, like hazmat suits and things, apparently that that's kind of just hype.
- [77:23]
C
And they're wedding dresses with diarrhea coming.
- [77:25]
D
Off the back of them.
- [77:27]
E
Right. Stores really aren't selling a ton of Ebola hazmat seeds. People seem to think it's not tasteful.
- [77:33]
B
Do you guys. There is the group of. There's a group of chicks that are hell bent on showing off their goods around Halloween.
- [77:46]
C
God bless.
- [77:48]
B
There's always then another group of dudes that are gonna show off their super macabre senses of humor.
- [77:56]
E
Yes.
- [77:57]
B
I'm going as one of the twin towers on fire. And they're like little army men jumping out. Yes. It was like. Well, I never did get to the bottom of the too soon or too soon. I never figured out whether it was too soon. And I can't remember what the other version of my too soon was. But, yeah, Sal, cousin Sal, Jimmy's cousin Sal has a sort of inappropriate costume thing. And once you give people their marching orders, they fucking take off with it. And there's a lot of, like, partial abortions and things like that.
- [78:31]
E
Remember JonBenet Ramsey?
- [78:33]
B
Yeah, there's a lot.
- [78:33]
A
What did you do?
- [78:34]
C
I was in abortion in 10th grade.
- [78:36]
B
In the 10th grade? Yeah.
- [78:37]
C
I had a hanger around my neck and I put ketchup on my face and I went. And the guys thought it was hilarious. And none of the girls talked to me for the rest of the school year.
- [78:46]
E
Not even Charlotte Bourne?
- [78:47]
C
She'd never had an abortion.
- [78:48]
E
Sheryl Bourne?
- [78:49]
C
Yeah.
- [78:49]
E
What was her name?
- [78:50]
C
Charlotte. I don't know why I said it on the air. She probably. Is that illegal?
- [78:55]
B
You didn't say anything bad about her.
- [78:56]
C
Charla Bourne, Right? That was her name.
- [78:59]
B
Smart enough not to date the guy with the ketchup in the hangar. By the way, the hanger thing, has it ever really been used for an abortion or did we just decide it was and it just sort of was.
- [79:14]
E
If they were to use it, would they fold it up so it's a doubled hanger, or do you pull it open? I mean, it's hard to get a hanger open.
- [79:19]
C
Is it like opening a Volvo?
- [79:21]
B
Back in the 80s, hangers used to be used from. You use them for car antennas. They'd use them to break into the car. They'd use them as instruments of abortion. I mean, there really was nothing. Beat your kid with a hanger? Yeah. There's Nothing we couldn't do with a hangar back back in the day.
- [79:39]
D
Yeah.
- [79:39]
C
Hangers were used to, you know, if there was any kind of a sport in the house that, you know, like if we didn't have Nerf rims, because we would break them. So we would make Nerf rims with hangers.
- [79:50]
B
Oh, by the way. Yeah, speaking of hangers, if anyone's bumper or tailpipe was hanging, it would be a wire hanger that was used to hang it. Rehang the exhaust system.
- [80:01]
D
Right.
- [80:01]
B
All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.
- [80:03]
E
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.
- [80:05]
B
I'm sort of in charge and I just, I just need to be blunt. That was the news with Allison Rosen. I wonder what that comedian chick is up to now. She's still doing comedy.
- [80:18]
D
She's booked for Wednesday.
- [80:19]
B
Oh, this is embarrassing. On it, baby. Ah. It inspires peak performance. They got unique products, experts, professional athletes, doctors, all based upon the latest science and research. They got the Warrior bar. That's the one Howie Mandel was going through. Buffalo meat bar. 14 grams of protein, 140 calories. No MSG, no soy, lactose, antibiotics, nothing. Just a bunch of protein. Good to have around. We. I think we ate all of ours. Yeah, Max Pata probably ate.
- [80:53]
D
There's still some in his pockets.
- [80:54]
B
The MCT oil. This stuff is really good. I just used this this morning. This is stuff Dr. Drew was talking about. It's derived from 100% pure coconut oil. You just dump a little in your coffee in the morning and it's just good for what ails you. Especially like weight management. Alpha Brain had some of that today. That's why my bean is working so good. Lentil bean. All right, stay focused, Ace man. You took the Alpha Brain enhances your focus, your drive, your memory. It is great for your brain and that's the ultimate thing you need. You can try them. They got everything. So go to onnit.com Adam Save 10% on it. That's two N's. O N N I T.com AdamSave 10%. Everything they do is great. Onit.com Adam all right, let's see. We've not. We're trying to find out what the hell happened to that stand up comedian. She's gone, daddy gone. Ah, yes. Allison Rosen, new best friend Ryan Sickler is going to be her guest coming up on this week's episode. New episodes every Monday and Thursday. Alisonrosen.com and you can go to itunes as well. And you can go See Greg Fitzsimmons at the Hollywood Improv and the Houston Improv. And I'll tell you what you should do. You should go to his website, fitzdog.com fitzdog.com find out where he's playing, find out about the podcast, Find about anything you need to know under the sun about Greg Fitzsimmons. Yes, Greg, it's a lot. It's a lot.
- [82:30]
C
It's a lot to know. There should be a Wikipedia. Oh, there is a Wikipedia page. Go to that also.
- [82:35]
B
You can also lobby Pennsylvania and see if they can get some more Mangria going over there. And you can go to that mangria in pa.com or corolladrinks.com I think we'll line you out. So until next time, I'm Kroll for great fat Siphon Evans, Allison Rosen, and Ball Bryant. Say it, Mahala. When you're pitching jokes, you're not sucking dick.
- [83:02]
A
All right, this is Adam Cole Show 1440. Coming up next, we have Adam Cole Show 1422. It's a little bit earlier in the year. This is when they address some of the patent troll stuff. It's with Rich Eisen, Eric Stonestreet, Mike August, Alison Rose, and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.
- [83:15]
B
Enjoy. New everything except for news girl Allison Rosen.
- [83:23]
E
Hello, Adam Carolla and Ball Bryan.
- [83:25]
B
Hey, I want to go out and rape some preteens.
- [83:27]
D
Synthesize. Pete wanted that on the hashtag top drop on Twitter.
- [83:30]
B
Mike August is in studio. Yay. Yeah. Rich Eisen, a real guest. Rich Eisen will be here soon. Just love me that Rich Eisenhower. Rich Eisen would be one of those guys, like, if you found out he was beating his wife or doing something of that nature. That'd be one of those. Oh, my God. I'm like, there's a lot of guys.
- [83:53]
E
Where you go, he's like Ted Bundy in that way, in that he has such a good image and I wouldn't expect it of him. And he's attractive.
- [84:00]
B
That's right.
- [84:02]
A
And he gave you props for the whole goalpost lengthening thing.
- [84:06]
B
Yeah.
- [84:07]
A
And when I.
- [84:08]
B
Except for speaking of giving it to me, I snapped him the ball and I kicked it right in the back of my sack. Well, he's passive aggressive that way now. All right, so we'll get to a bunch of stuff. So Rich Eisen will come in here and we'll talk some football and beyond with him. Mike August is here for a reason. You can watch, I think you can go to YouTube or you can go to Rich Eisen or AdamCroll.com or whatever. If you'd like to watch me snap the ball and him kick it right into the back of my scrotum sack. You've never seen that.
- [84:39]
F
Where do I need it? I have more.
- [84:44]
B
Marshall Falk is holding. I'm getting ready to. I'm getting ready to snap. Here we go. And how. Come on.
- [84:52]
A
You gotta let me check with Rich to make sure he's ready.
- [84:55]
B
That was a laser beam, by the way. Back to.
- [84:58]
A
That's a Hall of Famer telling you all.
- [85:00]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [85:01]
F
Rich, you ready? I'm ready. Okay, let's go. Huh?
- [85:05]
B
Then the kick.
- [85:06]
F
Oh, God, it's terrible.
- [85:09]
B
Almost hit me. It's long before, long after this. You can cue it up in the. In the future to the part where he kicks me in the ass. I just told him not to kick me in the ass. Right.
- [85:24]
A
Do not not.
- [85:24]
B
Do not hit me with the ball. Terrible.
- [85:29]
F
You ready? Another thing I can't do. Go for it.
- [85:37]
B
Now that's more than a coincidence, right? That's 10 points.
- [85:40]
D
All right.
- [85:41]
B
Is it Marshall, the number one podcast in America. Marshall loves it. Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall. All right, so the reason Mike August is here is to discuss this Pantrol court case and all that good stuff. And we had a 45 day, sort of no fly zone on it.
- [86:02]
A
Yes, we did.
- [86:03]
B
And Mike and I had discussed quite a bit about what we can say, what we can't say, what we're gonna say. And at a certain point, I just said, well, why don't we just bring you in here? Because actually, nobody knows more about this than Mike August. Mike, former attorney himself. Yes.
- [86:21]
A
Still a member of the bar.
- [86:22]
B
Still a member of the bar. And there must be some sort of discount you get at participating theaters or something. There's something you're doing at other bars. No, I'm saying you're writing. You're an active member of the bar for a reason. Why?
- [86:37]
A
Is it because you don't want to take it again?
- [86:39]
B
Oh, you don't want to take the bar again?
- [86:41]
A
Yeah, if you don't stay active.
- [86:42]
B
Did you pass it first time out?
- [86:44]
A
Yeah, yeah, I'm a member. I've been a member of the bar for 20 years.
- [86:47]
B
Well, let's get to know Mike August just a little bit. Mike, couple things about Mike. Mike passed a bar. Mike played a lot of football in high school. College. Mike just gave it all up about 10 years ago and went to the University of Denver. Denver. And got his mba. Just a very weird thing for an adult to do. You don't know many guys who in their late 30s just go, I'm hanging it up for a couple years, I'm moving to Denver, I'm getting my masters in getting my mba.
- [87:19]
E
What was the it all you were giving up to do that?
- [87:21]
A
Oh, I walked away from a very glamorous career at that time. I was working for actually Westwood One. I was working with Norm Pattis organization.
- [87:30]
D
Were you a practicing attorney at the time?
- [87:31]
A
No, I'd been at William Morris. Me and Baby Doll slugged it out of William Morris for 10 years in the 90s working with Jimmy and Adam and guys like Jon Stewart, David Tell every comedian of the Sun, Kevin James, Dre Romano. And we essentially left William Morris together to go work for a guy named Mike Ovitz, who created a very famous management company that came together very quickly and came apart even faster. And so what happened was in that explosion, you know, Baby basically ended up with his own business, you know, working with Jimmy and Adam and Jon Stewart. And I went my way and ended up just going, getting an mba, you know, kind of in the transition.
- [88:11]
B
Were you, were you there for like two years?
- [88:14]
A
Where at Denver? No, just one year. I was through a one year program. I told the dean when I came in, I said, I'm gonna come one year. I just want the base course, 64 hours. I'm gonna knock it out. I was doing Jon Stewart's personal appearances at that time to support myself. So I'd jet off on the weekends because I have shows in Vegas or wherever. We had John playing.
- [88:33]
D
He was like Kevin Durant or some college basketball player who had to play one year for him to go, presley, I'm coming for one year.
- [88:38]
A
That's all.
- [88:40]
D
Where's the cash?
- [88:41]
A
And I did. I graduated one year. I bashed through a program and he said at my graduation, he goes, we're never gonna let anybody do this ever again. Because there was people in that program, like five years into an executive MBA program, they go to MBA programs forever. It's nuts.
- [88:54]
B
Well, it's also the kind of thing where it's basically like the hooker who says, why don't you take our time? The high class call girl says, let's eat some dinner now, let's order some dessert. Like, what's your rush, honey? Well, you're just, just on the clock the whole time, constantly.
- [89:09]
A
I just want more money out of you. I mean, I was there for one year. I racked up 40 G's in student loans. I'm still paying off student loans.
- [89:18]
B
So all but again, five years or whatever they can stretch it out over is just more money for them. So your dad, you start off as like a football brat, right? That's a coach. He's moving around.
- [89:30]
A
Yeah. I was born at Penn State. He was Joe Paterno's graduate assistant. You had Jay on Jay Paterno. The other day we went to William Mary where a guy named Marv Levy was the head coach. And then he was followed by another guy named Lou Holtz.
- [89:42]
B
Yeah.
- [89:43]
A
So we were there with them for six years. Then we went to Colorado, University of Colorado with.
- [89:47]
B
Hold on, Allison. When he says by guy names, he's being ironic. Although for you, you're just hearing Lou Holtz and Mark Levy.
- [89:54]
D
Fellow named Lou Holtz.
- [89:55]
A
Yeah, some guy named. Well, that time he was just a guy named.
- [89:57]
B
These guys are hall of Famer and Lou Holtz. Hall of Fame coaches, college football coaches.
- [90:02]
A
Together in the late 60s, early 70s. They literally had to teach PE. That's why you needed a Masters, because in those days, football coaches didn't coach football. There wasn't any budget, so they had to actually teach college courses. So Lou Holtz is throwing a volleyball out. My dad's teaching racquetball. They'd go on recruiting trips in one car. They'd go to my grandmother's house in Pittsburgh and he'd sleep on the couch. You know, it was just a really rigid affair.
- [90:25]
B
It wasn't. Well, sleeping with Grandma would have been weird if you do the math, but. But it was a day when coaching was just coaching, you know, no multi million dollar whatever now. It's insane.
- [90:37]
A
Kid sits down, what are you going to do, son? Doctor, lawyer, football coach. Great. I mean, they're all six, seven figure professions now. It's crazy. My dad left. He was a head coach at University of Louisiana Lafayette our last seven years. His salary the last year was $27,500. Jesus, 27. They paid our mortgage on our house and we got, you know, perks. Like they got free cars from the dealerships and we got movie tickets. So you have to find ways to get coaches paid because they couldn't give any money. So we just get perked. My dad quit coaching, had to buy a car for the first time in his life. We never owned a car. Never, never owned a car.
- [91:10]
B
So you just moved around, you played football yourself and you're a good football player. You got to debatable college and that's when the career ended, right?
- [91:21]
A
Acl. I tore my acl. Spring of my freshman year. I stayed till I was a junior, but I just. I had nothing left before that.
- [91:28]
D
In your youth, what was the longest you ever spent at one place because your dad had one job?
- [91:32]
A
Well, we were six years William Mary. I was born at Penn State and left six years William Mary. Seven years Colorado, seven years Louisiana Lafayette. But we'd have moves within those moves because you'd move neighborhoods. So I was always changing schools. That's crazy. Yeah, we moved a ton. I'd always find the neighborhood bully. They'd find you really quick when you move. So I always knew we had moved because there would be a new guy looking to rumble.
- [91:54]
D
They spread the word amongst the network of bullies. It's like, oh, here's the other Mike's coming over.
- [91:59]
B
Mike's the definition of easygoing. Because when cousin Sal did the yokozuna on Mike's head, he took off Mike's front tooth veneer, whatever it was. He literally. Mike was sleeping on Jimmy's sofa. Sal dropped his pants, did a spring off the second pillow, yelled yokozuna in the air. That's kind of the marquee queensberry that's on video. Yeah, we played on the man show. It's by loping season three with it in the air. You have to yell yokozuna. When Mike heard yokozuna, it gave him about 4/10 of a second to hold his hand in front of his face. Unfortunately, his watch, which had a steel band on it, stainless steel band on that time, took his tooth off, drove it right in. Defensive wound now.
- [92:47]
A
Son of a bitch.
- [92:48]
B
What I love about Mike and guys whose dad coach football. Mike was not pissed. He was mad at himself for falling asleep.
- [92:56]
A
I did fall asleep on the couch at football Sunday. That's pretty inexcusable.
- [92:59]
D
And you liked that part that he didn't get mad about being attacked by this animal.
- [93:04]
B
You know what? You know what's weird about me that the big what I in a guy, the quality I hate most is a puss questionnaire. I did puss. I hate a puss. I hate pussies.
- [93:21]
A
I do.
- [93:21]
B
I'm angry. Pussy. No, I just. You know when guys are just whiny.
- [93:28]
A
Yeah.
- [93:29]
B
But even just a guy who's like. Just says, like, oh, I honked at this guy and he got out of his car. So I rolled the windows up and freaked out, started honking the horn and called OnStar. And it's just. I just hate a puss. I don't mind a guy's. You know, you don't have to beat people up or be Big and strong or scary or anything. I just. I say I hate a guy who freaks out over nothing or just gets all spastic over nothing, or I just hate that. And I found with guys who play a lot of organized sports, they get that beaten out of them. Him, for the most part, Mike got. Got that beat out of him. Yes, we can. We can watch him being Yokozunit if we'd like.
- [94:08]
A
You know, I never signed the release for this, by the way.
- [94:10]
B
Oh, there you go. There it is. Reaching for his mouth.
- [94:18]
A
Sound a bit.
- [94:19]
B
Yeah.
- [94:19]
A
All right.
- [94:20]
D
Were you next to him and were you not moving? Was that you on the couch?
- [94:23]
B
I think that was. I think it was Jimmy Brusco who was sitting there.
- [94:26]
D
I just saw someone not moving and not reacting at all to this attack.
- [94:29]
A
You put it in slow motion. Sal's arc of his ass is pretty impressive. He got good air.
- [94:35]
B
Yeah, it really.
- [94:35]
A
Kind of like. It was almost a perfect, like, parabola.
- [94:39]
B
Parabola.
- [94:40]
E
I'm sure that's what he was aiming for.
- [94:42]
D
It's more of a hyperbole, but. Okay, I'm with you.
- [94:45]
B
So, Mike, how many years with William Morris, then?
- [94:49]
A
10 years? Yeah, almost all the 90s.
- [94:51]
B
10 years and now does our show books. Rich Isaac, just like William Morris, travels the country eating with me, and never seen him yawn or drink coffee. And what else? You have any stories about me before we get on with this thing?
- [95:09]
A
Stories about Adam. Well, how about this great story that Adam Carollis saved podcasting for us all?
- [95:14]
B
What?
- [95:14]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, that is not hyperbole or parabola.
- [95:19]
B
Because I'd like to hear you're up.
- [95:21]
A
Against it in a huge way. I don't think, you know, we've ever really discussed in depth what happened with this whole patent troll thing way back in 2013 when we first got sued. But this company is taking down major companies. I mean, they just. Those guys took Apple to court in the same place where we were sued in Eastern District of Texas. They got $8 million out of those guys. So when they turned around and sued us, it was like, we have got to do something major or they're going to just wipe us out. Because we cannot afford to litigate against these kind of patent actions. They're just titanically expensive.
- [95:54]
B
Well, I think when the machine got cranked up and it was running at full capacity, it was about $100,000 a month.
- [96:01]
A
A month? A month. That's the most expensive. I mean, that's what GM pays. You know, they're outside counsel just to put them on retainer I mean, this is big boy litigation stuff pushed on one company. I mean, this patent troll, Personal Audio, sued cbs, NBC, and Adam Carolla. I mean, where's the parity there? These are multinational companies worth tens of billions of dollars and us.
- [96:25]
E
And do they settle to avoid having to pay the 100,000amonth?
- [96:29]
A
I mean, the big boys.
- [96:29]
E
Yeah.
- [96:30]
A
No, I mean, for them, because this patent was all about delivery of content over the Internet. That's what their whole, you know, claim was, that they had this episodic playlist that if it's served content from your server, from your web operation, you owe them a royalty. And that royalty was whatever they could negotiate with you. But they didn't negotiate. They just sued because they knew with us particularly that we couldn't afford to litigate. You know, we're podcasting, so they figured we're a soft target. We're just going to roll right over. And instead, I think Adam took a very, you know, hard line, which was, we're going to fight it. We're going to crowdsource the defense. We're going to rally the podcasters out there, the Marc Marons and the Jay Moores and the Joe Rogans and the Chris Hardwicks, into a common cause and get the listeners all involved. And look what happened. We crowdsourced a half a million bucks, and what we did was we took what was supposed to be a heavyweight fight where they're just going to come out like Clubber Lang and knock us out in the first round. And we dragged them way deeper into the fight than they ever thought they would, because they figured we can't spend 100 grand a month, we can't spend 10 grand a month. They'll do whatever we were essentially forced to do. And it didn't happen. So, you know, that was January of 2013. We got sued. We're all the way into July now of 2014, with a trial date approaching in September, and we're still raising money, and we're still really making their name synonymous with the name patentrol, I mean, Personal Audio and Patent Troll. And although they never admitted it to us, obviously, they finally came to the table, essentially, in July and said, okay, we can't do this with you guys anymore. We want you to shut up.
- [98:00]
D
Can we start at the beginning, though? I want to know, because I think everyone wants to know who got the paper? Did they show up at the studio? Did you get. Did you go to your house?
- [98:09]
A
They served it. They filed in the Eastern District of Texas, where all these cases go. Down.
- [98:13]
D
How do you get notified about that?
- [98:14]
A
Well, what happens is there's tons of IP lawyers and intellectual property lawyers who follow this stuff. So I started getting emails the next morning saying, you know, Adam Croller got sued in the Eastern district of Texas. I thought it was a joke, right? But we looked into it, and sure enough, papers were filed. Now they filed against the wrong entity, they filed against Ace Broadcasting, which isn't how we conduct business. So that's how little research they did. That's what we found. This whole case is. They came after us just because they thought it looked like something, there might be something there. They didn't do any research. They didn't really vet us. They didn't come to us and ask us what our, you know, what our revenues are, how strong our business is. They just said, hey, we're going out there with this patent. We're going to knock down as many people as we can because all we want them to do is write us a quick check and go away.
- [98:59]
B
Gary, by the way, is sending me a message that said, they did come here to serve us.
- [99:03]
D
Oh, no.
- [99:04]
F
Yeah, they asked. They were asking for Ace Broadcasting, and Adam and August weren't here. And I just said, that's not the name of this company.
- [99:09]
A
I'm not very wise. You bought us about two weeks because they fixed.
- [99:15]
E
Did you know it was someone trying to serve papers?
- [99:17]
F
Oh, absolutely. I mean, that's what he was doing. And he kind of showed me what.
- [99:20]
B
He had, and I saw who it was, and I wasn't taking that well.
- [99:22]
A
He had a tail, right?
- [99:23]
B
They all had tails. Not the guys who serve them. They're just whatever the lowest guy in Hitler's army would be. But. So now I don't. Now when I'm hearing this, unfortunately, I just go by what makes sense and what doesn't make sense. And I know there's nothing here. And Mike's telling me the entire time, oh, who cares? Who cares?
- [99:48]
A
Adam's into, okay, so what? I. I haven't done anything, so I don't have to do anything. And I'm like, I wish the system worked like that. I really do. But that's not the system. As you say, we have created for ourselves. We have to rise to their claim with equal strength. We've got to spend like this.
- [100:05]
E
You mean you thought that you would be fine just because you're so clearly in the right? So you didn't think you had to mount a campaign?
- [100:11]
B
At the beginning, I viewed it as any time that somebody accused you of something that you just didn't do. So I don't know what your fear or worry level would be if somebody said, a year from now you're going to be in big trouble for doing X, Y or Z. And you just think to yourself, I didn't do that except. And because I have nine jobs and a million different things to do, I just went fuck it. But Mike was always worried.
- [100:36]
A
Well, because in patent law, essentially the burden is shifted from the plaintiff to the defendant. By just having a patent essentially, and saying that we use. You violated our patent, it now puts the burden of proof on us to prove that we did not. It's the oddest thing in the world. Basically all they did when they filed their complaint was send us the patent. They sent us a 50 page, single spaced document and said, you figure it out. We're saying you violated. We're like, we don't even know what this is. We've still to this day, you know, this patent was granted in 2000, in 1996, for an idea to syndicate magazine articles online. Literally books on tape applied to magazine articles distributed to the Internet. He got a patent that, okay, 96. Then comes 2000 and that company didn't work, right? So then 2000 rolls through the Internet, grows, content grows. And he sits back and goes, hmm, there's podcasting and the networks are retasking content on the Internet. Maybe I can make this patent apply to that. So he applies to what's called a sub patent in 2009 and says to the government, that patent I got 96. That applies to this other stuff, right? All these other things that are going on. 2012, it's granted in the end of 2012, 2013, bam, the lawsuits start coming down. He got the patent with all the intent to go out and just start suing people. They don't make podcasts, they don't make anything. They make lawsuits. That's what this company, that's why they're called a patent troll. They're in it for the money, right? And they've got a patent. But a patent is a very serious thing. And when it's put on you, you now have to spend literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in litigation fees to do what's called discovery, to go out and get experts and to do due diligence on the people who put the patent together to figure out whether it applies or not. And that's why it's the most expensive form of litigation. And that's why defendants would rather settle. Or in the case of small business like ours literally fold up the shop. I mean, we were looking at. If this would have gone the wrong way, we would have had to close this business down because we could not withstand the cost.
- [102:29]
B
Well, and also, I should tell you this. And Mike doing a lot of thumping on the desk. I know you're a passionate man, but try to keep your hands down.
- [102:35]
A
Patent drop upset me deeply.
- [102:37]
B
Okay, I've said this in a good way and a bad way. You know, when people think business should have a conscience, you know, like, come on, stay here in California, you're. You're losing, you know, what about your allegiance to the state? Well, as we can all tell, whether it's Hollywood or whether it's Nissan, the second a business gets a break, they pick up and move. They don't have a conscience or sold. My roots are in California. My.
- [103:03]
A
Sure.
- [103:03]
B
Well, because they're business. That's the way it should be. That's. I mean, I'm not saying kill the dolphins and, you know, and take the sacred burial grounds of the Comanche Indian and make it into your litter box. What I'm saying is don't do.
- [103:18]
D
Boss.
- [103:19]
B
No, no, I'm saying don't. What I'm saying is your business, you're trying to make money. That's what you do. So when it comes to settling, people go, well, why would you settle with these animals? Well, settling is, for the sake of argument, $500,000. And that'll be done next week. Going to trial is $1.5 million, and that'll be done a year and a half from now. So if I'm in the business of making, of just doing business, and I don't have a conscience, and I'm not interested in right or wrong or good or bad or up or down, all I want to do is get the fuck out of here and get back to work. What do I choose? What do most businesses choose? Because they're a business.
- [103:54]
A
These guys made it easy to make that decision, though, because they came at us for 3.5 million. Their first thing was, okay, you guys give us three and a half. This is, like, in the spring of 2013, $3.5 million.
- [104:04]
D
We walk away.
- [104:05]
A
Like, hold it. It costs a million five to litigate. We don't have the money, but it costs a million five to litigate. And you want 3.5 million. You've now committed us to litigating. So now we've got to go out and raise the money because obviously you're not going to be reasonable about this, and that's what? That's what essentially lit the fuse on crowdsourcing. And I think that what was created in that fund anything campaign that we got behind was an amazing amount of support for everybody who's got investment in this medium. I think it shows how much, you know, passion there is out there among the listeners, among the podcasters, you know, to make sure that this we don't get. Because now the next company that comes down the pike is going to think twice about coming after us.
- [104:43]
B
All right, let's try to clear up a few things. First off, the tough part about the gag order and about, you know, reading the article and say, adam, Carolla settles. And then the tweet saying, you said you weren't gonna settle. Well, settle implies cutting someone a check.
- [104:59]
A
The deal was cut.
- [105:00]
B
Yes.
- [105:00]
A
Everybody assumed that.
- [105:01]
B
When Michael Jackson settles up with the nine year old's family, we assume it's not just a handshake and they part ways and they agree to disagree. You sit around and speculate how many millions of dollars he pulled out his checkbook and settled. So settled has a negative connotation. Yes. Especially when you've come to fight.
- [105:21]
A
It's capitulation. When we've gone out and crowdsourced the defense saying, we're going to take these guys on and take it as far as we can take it. So, yeah, that was very painful because what happened was we did not settle. What happened was they dismissed the case. The deal essentially came down to, you guys got to stop talking because you're killing our jury pool for Texas. We've got to put trials on against CBS and NBC and those guys are.
- [105:43]
D
Are.
- [105:43]
A
That's where the big money is. And you guys are essentially become a thorn in our side. So what we need to do is for you to shut up. And so we said, fine. What's in it for us? Well, we'll walk away. We'll dismiss this without prejudice. We wanted them to dismiss it with prejudice.
- [105:56]
E
And what does that mean?
- [105:57]
A
The difference is without prejudice, they can come back and sue us again. Right. Which you don't want. You want to take this thing so they can never come back at you again. But that wasn't going to. They weren't willing to go that far.
- [106:08]
B
Right.
- [106:08]
A
We couldn't get them to that point. So the best we could do was get them to walk away again, saving us from the cost of a trial. We were looking at somewhere between 750 and another million to put a trial on. We've already exhausted all our funds.
- [106:22]
E
We raised.
- [106:22]
A
We raised about 475,000 online, which was fantastic. But we're still operating deficit. I mean we've probably somewhere between 650 and 675 in total cost. So we're still looking to catch up on this hole, you know, campaign. And we haven't been able to speak to that at all for the last 45 days because the first trial did go down and what do you know, CBS got sued on the same patent that we did, had a week long trial and boom, they got hit for $1.3 million in damages and the jury found that they infringed on the patent.
- [106:52]
B
Which is really nothing for them. But well, you know, it's not a great precedent.
- [106:56]
A
Both sides are happy on that one and both sides are, the patent trials are happy to have a decision that there was infringement. But they only got 1.3 million. CBS is unhappy to found a bit infringing, but they're over the moon about being only hit for 1.3 million. It's a parking ticket.
- [107:10]
E
I'm confused about. What ultimately happened though. Is that the last thing they walked away with or without prejudice or was there another thing?
- [107:18]
A
No, that was it. They walked away without prejudice. Which means they can sue us again.
- [107:22]
E
And that's where it stands right now.
- [107:23]
A
Yeah, they can sue us again.
- [107:25]
B
But they're not on the woods. Yeah, no, they're not.
- [107:28]
A
They're basically saying we'll come back when you make more money.
- [107:31]
B
Yeah, but I don't think they're gonna do that because they, you know, Mike, you always do that thing. But they can, but they tried and.
- [107:40]
A
They, I don't disagree now, but let's be more successful.
- [107:44]
B
Well, no, I'm not planning on.
- [107:45]
D
Yeah, let's, let's not do that.
- [107:46]
B
And then what about all the other players in the space?
- [107:50]
A
Well, so. All the other players in the space. You mean NBC?
- [107:53]
B
No, I'm talking about.
- [107:55]
A
What we did as part of our, I hate, I don't want to call it as part of our dismissal action. We had them produce a, essentially a PR release stating a non intention to go after any of the other podcasters that had supported us, Marc Maron, Earwolf.
- [108:11]
B
Chris Hardwick, or to any of the, any of the top ones.
- [108:15]
A
Basically anybody out there. You know, they basically put out a segment of non intention to pursue them. And it was easy for them to do that because they found out that there wasn't a. Of money going on in all the podcasting. They just didn't do their math. They shouldn't have sued us if they had to do it again, they would have never touched us. They had no idea A, what we weren't making and B, we took this porcupine strategy where we just became so prickly and such an impossible sticky.
- [108:40]
B
I do that in my personal relationships.
- [108:42]
A
Yeah, it worked. I mean we really, as I say, we dragged this heavyweight way into the late rounds of the fight where they just are punched out. All they wanted to do was have us get off the canvas because we were hurting them.
- [108:54]
B
Right? So the long and the short of it is we spent a bunch of money. For those of you who are like, oh please, how could you spend that much money? Look, I'm not making it up. It's between 650 and 675.
- [109:11]
A
We were doing 100,000amonth starting with last March. We really got into the hardcore discovery. Five, six months from the trial, it was 100 grand a month for four months straight.
- [109:20]
E
How many lawyers were working on it at a time? How does that work?
- [109:23]
A
Do you know? They had, the patrol had two or three firms, they had Boston firm, they had a Houston firm, they got local guys out of Dallas. We had a firm out of Dallas that handed all of our stuff. But there was probably, our guys probably had three or four or five lawyers and they had at least 10. I have these motions, I mean there's 10, there's five different law firms and 10 different lawyers on all this stuff.
- [109:46]
B
Really? Is this a society we wanted to live in? Was this the plan? And by the way, I tell everybody works here all the time, don't become successful. It's a fucking pain in the ass.
- [109:59]
F
Done and done.
- [110:00]
B
And by the way, it works on a micro and a macro level. It's your fucking ne' er do. Well, brother in law is going to be pissed at you because he owes you 50 grand and he wants to borrow another 15 grand and you told him him not until you pay me back the first one. He's gonna call you a douchebag and walk out of the room. That's the micro level. And then on the macro level you'll just be like some oh, you're some 1 percenter douchebag. You and Mitt Romney hang out on a fucking yacht all the time. You bought a windmill somewhere in Nova Scotia and you're not paying taxes on anything, you're not doing anything, you're just fucking. All you do is pollute and kill seals and wildly specific examples. And you know in one when you get sued by somebody and you will get sued by everybody, you fucking deserve it. And who gives a shit? And you got money and you can pay your fucking lawyers anyway, and who cares? That's why nobody should ever become successful.
- [110:53]
D
Now, we skipped over a lot of stuff, and I only know much about this, as I've heard on the podcast and I've read in the online or whatever. So I'm sure the listeners have a lot of questions that are similar. Talk about discoveries. Now, that went on for a long time, and it's expensive. At what point what happened? What did you find? And at what point did you realize, oh, we have a pretty compelling case.
- [111:10]
A
We felt very confident, based on our discovery of not only our experts, but their experts, that we were not infringing in the way, in the capacity, in the scale of what they'd hoped they would be able to associate damages to. Because they, you know, we. To get really technical about it, we put this podcast out on a ton of servers, a ton of platforms all over the Internet. Essentially, their patent only applied to our website. So that took. With their initial damage hope for in the multimillions down to the mere hundreds of thousands. And you don't sue somebody in an expensive litigation to win hundreds of thousands. It doesn't pencil out.
- [111:44]
B
But the upshot, because Rich Eisen has arrived, and we'll bring him in here pretty soon. Mike August booking. Well, there's a couple. There's a couple things.
- [111:54]
E
Mike August enjoys Mike August so much.
- [111:56]
A
Somebody asked.
- [111:57]
D
He's the only one.
- [111:58]
B
We, I think we struggle. Struck a nice blow for podcasters.
- [112:04]
A
Tremendous blow.
- [112:05]
B
I think the water shall be safe. Whether it's this company, Personal Audio, or other companies to come after that, which is that this is really. This is not the ATM that you guys think it is. And go sue somebody else. And we got away with this. I wouldn't call it a. I wouldn't, you know, look, the slam dunk of this thing, to be perfectly honest, is somehow I find another million dollars lying around. We take this thing into court and we win. But then win what?
- [112:44]
A
Right?
- [112:44]
B
Because what do we win? I'm out 1.5 million instead of 675,200 now.
- [112:51]
A
And everybody on the legal side is like, wow, you guys, really, really. That's a victory to only be out 200 grand.
- [112:57]
B
All right. Another reason why you should never be successful. I'm out 200 grand. That's a huge win. Seriously, Imagine companies pay millions. We keep this ball rolling, we'll be out a million in five years.
- [113:07]
D
God willing.
- [113:08]
B
God willing. Don't jinx it, Brian.
- [113:09]
A
Champagne popping time, right?
- [113:12]
B
So the waters are safe for podcasting.
- [113:15]
A
Well, temporarily at least. Don't get too successful.
- [113:19]
B
Yes, but we do have the eff.
- [113:21]
A
The EFF petition to the patent Trial and Appeal board against this particular patent. I'm told it's going to be heard this year. If that patent is invalidated by the ptab, which oversees the patent office, then it's all over. Even the CBS decision gets vacated.
- [113:35]
B
Who knows?
- [113:36]
A
You know, NBC and FOX are still, they're mediating now. They could have their trials. So, you know, that's where it all could come to an end for this troll.
- [113:44]
D
Is that where prior art comes in? I heard a lot about that, a.
- [113:46]
A
Ton of prior art about the CBS decision, because the CBS are always like, there's nothing but priority. There was so much more going on before this patent was ever granted. How it got passed this jury, nobody knows CBS is going to appeal this. And now they're going to take it on the hands of a jury and put in front of a three judge panel and maybe those guys, because they vacate a lot of these decisions on appeal. So for cbs, this is not going to be difficult. They're going to appeal it. Money's not a big factor in them to continue litigating. Not like it would be for us. Because if we lost a trial, not only would it cost us 100 million bucks to undertake the trial, we have to put up a bond on the, on the judgment and then still pay to keep litigating the appeal. It would been a nightmare. We would have to shut the business down. We had to take the route that we essentially architected, which was be loud, be a problem, get them to walk away. It really worked to perfection because I think, you know, of what Adam, you know, did by rallying everybody, it just. The strategy worked to perfection.
- [114:44]
D
That's my other question is, can you talk for a second? I don't think came up on this podcast in detail about the. I understand there's a podcasting summit at your house with podcasters. Can you talk about that at all? Oh, yeah, because you got everyone together early on and said godfather, I want to hear about that.
- [114:57]
A
Yeah, except nobody got beat with a baseball bat.
- [114:59]
D
How much talking, what's going on?
- [115:01]
B
It's driving me insane because right before the show started, Gary said, Rich Eisen, when he gets here, not a big fan of hanging out before it comes out. Well, it's not your fault. But then Rich Eisen showed up, up 20 minutes early. And now I'm just staring at the clock. No. Which, okay, Rich Eisen's supposed to come in at 5. I mean, as he does have a.
- [115:22]
A
Hard out for 5.
- [115:23]
B
45. I know that's it's my fault for being born because I knew this would fucking. Why couldn't it be Gilbert Godfrey to be Rich Eisen?
- [115:31]
A
Actually, let me dial the phone.
- [115:33]
B
I love Rich Eisen, but I'm trying to now hurry this thing up, and I don't really want to hurry it up, but he's got a heart out. He showed up. Whatever. And we'll try to put a button on it. Couple things. All the guys, the Marc Marons and the Chris Hardwicks and all the usual names, the big players, just showed up at my house. We all ate caviar off a virgin, and we discussed about the financial implications and how this could really hurt me.
- [116:00]
A
Everybody agreed it should really hurt you. Yeah, they were very excited that you were the only one that was gonna get hurt.
- [116:05]
B
And we all sort of discussed the plan, which was, you know, circle the wagons, band together, Porcupine, Porcupine. And we're not in competition with each other. We're all here to flourish. And if I can beat these guys, and you can help me beat these guys and look, I wish I wasn't the only one in this room who's being sued, but I am. But if we have a favorable outcome in this situation, everything in law is pretty much precedent. We sued a podcaster. We basically sued the number one podcaster, and it fucking. It came out to shit. There was nothing at the. Nothing came out the other end. So that will. It will not prevent other human beings or entities from suing you. It's just going to decrease it quite a bit. By the way, here's the converse. The converse is we sued Adam Carolla and made a shitload of money. Now the floodgates open, and they'll just go right down the line on itunes.
- [117:02]
A
And we don't know what he settled for.
- [117:04]
B
Assume it was a lot or he settled. We'll assume it's a lot. We'll just go down the line of the top 10 shows on iTunes, podcasts on itunes, and just start sending out letters and let's get going. I mean, doesn't all of life work that way? And especially attorneys, right?
- [117:18]
D
Because there's a filthy attorney right here in the room.
- [117:20]
C
Yeah, I wish I would have been.
- [117:21]
A
On the other side of this.
- [117:22]
B
I always said, you know, they're called personal audio, and they should be called nothing Personal. We're just going after guys with money. That's the business we are in. So the good news is this is behind us. And of course the bad news is.
- [117:38]
A
We still need 2,000, we're about $200,000.
- [117:41]
B
Again to get to zero.
- [117:44]
A
We win nothing.
- [117:46]
B
We are trying to get to zero.
- [117:48]
D
It's a Mangria, people.
- [117:50]
B
That's my big plan in life. So Mangria or clicking through the Amazon banner and bookmarking that, I think the Fund anything campaign is great.
- [117:59]
A
Fund anything is still up and running.
- [118:01]
B
Still up and running. And when we have a little more time and a few more stories break regarding this subject and I'm sure you guys have plenty more questions and tweets and things like that, we can get you all that information when we'll reschedule Mike, two weeks from now and we'll give you an update and all that. We in the meantime, we do appreciate the Fund Anything, the Amazon and the again getting back to zero. All right. Another thing you can help us do to get back to zero is support some of our sponsors like DraftKings. My listeners winning huge, huge cash@draftkings.com you could be the next fantasy football millionaire this weekend. Last year, one player won a hundred grand first time out. Another guy won a million bucks in one day. Huge cash prizes are paid out every week. Brian, how you feeling?
- [118:53]
D
I did not win this week. But you're right about your listeners winning big cash. A user, a fan of the show by the name of Creme de la Cremes on Twitter tweeted me, he's like, I want 195 bucks off a $13 contest this week. I was like, great job. Winners are piling up onto DraftKings.
- [119:07]
B
Well, you can turn your season long fantasy research into instant cash and you get free entry into the millionaire maker event this weekend. First place takes home a million bucks. DraftKings. Dawson, head over to DraftKings.com now and enter code Adam to play free to become a millionaire. DraftKings.com bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires. Enter Adam for pre entry now@draftkings.com that's DraftKings.com all right, thank you for that update, Mike August.
- [119:34]
A
You're welcome.
- [119:35]
B
And we'll take a quick break. Rich Eisen in studio. Next. Rich Eisen in studio. Hello, sir. Hello, everybody. Rich Eisen show, by the Way, premieres October 6th exclusively on DirecTV's Audience Network. And the show's gonna air daily from noon to three.
- [119:53]
F
Yeah, Eastern.
- [119:54]
B
Wow, man.
- [119:55]
F
Right after Dan Patrick's radio show.
- [119:58]
B
Oh, man, that's just working out nicely. Yes.
- [120:00]
F
Yeah.
- [120:01]
B
So what's the. What's. Well, it's. The format is going to be you, it's going to be guests, going to.
- [120:05]
F
Be culture podcast into a daily three hour show. They built a studio expressly for the show in lovely, Beautiful El Segundo, California on the DirecTV campus. And so please come and visit.
- [120:22]
B
I shall, please.
- [120:24]
F
So, yeah, it's sort of, you know, we'll talk NFL, but pop culture and entertainment and stuff like that every, every single day, three hours a day surprises.
- [120:33]
B
This year so far for you. Rich Eisen in the NFL.
- [120:36]
F
Adrian Peterson being indicted for hitting his son, that's number one at the top of my list.
- [120:40]
D
You didn't see that coming?
- [120:41]
F
No, I didn't see that coming. Didn't. So that's why it just you. That's always used to all the legalese talk that you have at the show was.
- [120:48]
B
He was. And Eric Stonestreet's on the blower, by.
- [120:53]
F
The way, from last night. Last night was definitely a surprise.
- [120:56]
B
Yeah, the Pats and Kayce. And the thing about, I don't think like someone like Alison, you're probably not aware of this with Adrian Peterson. He was the best. Well, that part she knows.
- [121:07]
E
I'm aware of the news about him.
- [121:10]
B
He's the best back in the league. Blew his knee out. Everyone said, well, that may be it for him. Worked his ass off and I think was comeback player of the year.
- [121:19]
F
Well, he ran for. He almost broke the single season rushing record. So didn't miss a game, Came back, almost broke Eric Dickerson's single season rushing record. Missed it by what, like nine yards?
- [121:28]
B
Yeah.
- [121:28]
F
So he was unbelievable.
- [121:31]
B
And everybody. And just the biggest fan favorite whether you lived in Minnesota or not, because here's the guy.
- [121:37]
F
Fan community, I mean, as straight an arrow community wise as you could possibly.
- [121:43]
B
And a guy who, oh my God, this guy had a career ending injury, overcame that and came back to almost take the record. So everyone a year ago was like, oh, insane. And now this, of course. Hey, Eric Stonestreet.
- [122:00]
H
What's going on, guys?
- [122:01]
B
How are you, man?
- [122:02]
F
You're feeling it, Eric, aren't you? You're feeling it, feeling it right now, aren't you, Eric? You're feeling it.
- [122:06]
H
Yes, I. Yes, I am, Rich. Yes, I am. Well, look, we started off 02. We were 2 and 2. And everybody, the story last night, it cracked me up in the media that the story is, oh my gosh, look how bad the Patriots are forgetting completely the fact that these are two professional football teams and one in which Dominated the other. Not that we were playing a. The School of the Blind out of New England. We were playing the Patriots.
- [122:37]
B
Yeah. And so for people who don't know, first off, Eric Stonestreet, straightest guy on the planet, likes shooting things and comes from Kansas City. And he does. Eric, you like shooting things, right?
- [122:52]
H
I don't mind shooting things.
- [122:54]
B
Okay, you don't mind shooting things, but you don't have to tell him twice to shoot something. And as far as a guy and his character, I don't think you could get further from the character you play on tv. Forget about the sexual proclivity part. Forget about just the being gay part. Just your character on TV versus where you come from and sort of who you are. Yes.
- [123:20]
H
I don't know every actor that plays every role on tv, but I will tell you that. That my castmates agree with you. Julie Bowen has described me as the type of guy who rolls into work with a steer strapped to the front of his truck every day.
- [123:33]
B
That's right. And it's because the one on the back fell off. He normally has two steers. Well, you take a guy like Robert Blake, you know, he played Beretta on TV and he used a Beretta off tv. It sounds boring as hell, but go ahead. The Robert Blake wasn't that different on and off. There's a lot of the Personas aren't. But Stone street. And that's why. Wait, did you get an Emmy last. You just got the Emmy, right?
- [123:59]
H
Yeah, we got lucky and won 5.5Emmys in a row.
- [124:03]
B
Well, when you say you, you mean you and your genitalia, right? Like you won one yourself, right?
- [124:09]
H
Yeah, I've won two of them.
- [124:11]
B
Yes. Still. Best. Best.
- [124:13]
F
That's what's on this.
- [124:14]
B
That's his hood.
- [124:15]
F
That's the hood ornament on his car.
- [124:16]
B
Yeah. That's what holds the buck up.
- [124:18]
F
That's exactly what it is.
- [124:20]
B
So, Eric. Sorry. Well, Eric, Eric, big fan and Kansas City excited.
- [124:25]
F
Yeah, he got swallowed up by the east coast media bias last night is really what he's complaining about sitting there in Kansas City. The Chiefs, as we all know, are searching for respect, even though they've got a good coach and they got a good quarterback.
- [124:40]
B
Right.
- [124:41]
F
The coach and the quarterback essentially mirror the lack of respect that a lot of football fans have for the Chiefs. And Eric, you were. You were a little bit upset that the post game coverage was more about how the Patriots got boat raced as opposed to the actual boat racing itself. Correct, Eric?
- [125:02]
H
Absolutely. And. And when it comes down to it. When you talk to players, when you listen to the player commentators, not use suit and tie MF first, the players are all like, hey, hey, I've seen your 40 yard dash eyes. And you, you're not a player.
- [125:18]
F
I'm a player hater sometimes.
- [125:20]
B
Taurus ACL on that came back has come back the announcer of the year the following year.
- [125:25]
F
And my kids stay in line.
- [125:26]
B
That's. You know what I mean? Right?
- [125:28]
F
When daddy, when daddy comes home. Yeah, the beds are made.
- [125:31]
B
You know what I mean? He screams if I could catch up to you, but I would.
- [125:35]
F
But I reached, I retweeted what you said, Eric, and then I tweeted out 100% guilty as charged. The media is guilty as charged. There's no doubt about that.
- [125:43]
H
Yeah, because what I felt like at the end of the day was lost is, you know, we regained the world loudest stadium world record last night. You did that from the, from the Seattle Warbirds or whatever they're called up there. And we, and we dominated the game in all aspects of the game. So maybe the Patriots are bad, but still it's a professional football team and it's called any given Sunday for a reason. And last night it was the chief Sunday. And rather than the media saying, wow, this Chiefs team may be better than we thought with Kelsey and with, with, with Jamal Charles back and Alex Smith being the game managing quarterback that he is, like that's a bad thing. Maybe the Chiefs are pretty good. No, it's. Instead look how far the Patriots have slid.
- [126:26]
B
Well, you talk too much. You know, they've been, they've been winning for so long and Dom, no one's ever sees them dominated. I think they, that was the second biggest loss they've ever had in the Belichick Brady era. But I don't want to slow your roll at all, Eric, but don't you guys have San Diego and San Francisco coming up?
- [126:47]
H
Yeah, I'll be at the San Francisco game next week.
- [126:50]
B
Of course, you and your ilk and elk would be. So you'll be. He's got ilk and elk. You'll be at the game. And now like again, I look, I like Kansas City. I hate the Pats. I was, me and my son were watching and rooting, rooting your Casey team, your chief team on. But I gotta tell you, you could be two and four in two weeks.
- [127:20]
H
Absolutely. And we do have the tough, we do have toughest division. Given last year.
- [127:26]
B
Given this year too.
- [127:27]
F
Given this year. No doubt. There's no doubt.
- [127:29]
H
Yeah, there's no doubt. And listen, I'll be the first to tell you, we gotta win. We gotta win a championship to get the respect that I think the organization deserves. And I think we have the management and the coaching staff and the. And the executives in place to do that. So I'm not saying we deserve any more respect than when we have earned ourselves. But I think last night was an exception and you know, like for the past. Let me hear it. They. They said be. Be relevant for 12 years and then complain.
- [127:58]
B
Oh boy. Good Will Hunting over there. Super smart, street wise a holes you do have.
- [128:05]
F
You think you have the owner in management, but I know you don't think they have the proper strength and conditioning coach Eric. Correct.
- [128:11]
H
Hey, Rich, you laugh at me, but you know Adam, I feel like Adam's gonna agree with me on this. Okay, Adam, I'm not putting words in your mouth.
- [128:18]
B
I'm listening.
- [128:20]
H
We've had three Achilles injuries on our team this year. Three blowing Achilles. Now you're telling me that they're not doing some. That our strength and conditioning coach isn't paying attention to something.
- [128:31]
B
Is this on the same guy or are these three separate human beings? These are three separate what? Well, he may be strengthening them, but they're not conditioned well or something. Yes, they need.
- [128:47]
F
Something's awry, Coach.
- [128:48]
D
You've been doing those calf raises.
- [128:49]
B
Oh shit. They need somebody. Yeah, that. That just seems like a bad rash of blown Achilles. But look good enough for Dwayne Johnson. Good enough for one of the KC players. Yeah, that's right. The rock blues Achilles out when he was training for movie. How about more importantly the fact that Alex Smith looks like Ryan Gosling?
- [129:11]
H
You can have some sort.
- [129:13]
B
Yeah, I got a. Can I tell you last night and you can do this homework for me, Gary. Between Alex Smith, Tom Brady and Galapagos island or whoever the guy.
- [129:30]
F
Yeah, yeah.
- [129:31]
D
Okay.
- [129:31]
E
Yeah.
- [129:32]
B
Brian, would you like to apologize?
- [129:34]
D
Yeah. Look at those notes.
- [129:35]
B
Thank you. And Gary.
- [129:37]
F
Yeah, that's close.
- [129:38]
B
Take your arm out. Pat yourself on the back for this one body. This is damn. This is damn good.
- [129:43]
E
Same nose job actually is what I'm thinking. Ryan Gosling for sure has had a nose job. And the nose on the left looks a little artificial.
- [129:50]
F
My wife thinks Alex Smith does his eyebrows. What do you think?
- [129:53]
B
No, he has. He has an Asian dude someone doesn't want.
- [129:56]
E
They look pretty groomed. Yeah.
- [129:57]
B
Hey, Eric. Yeah.
- [129:59]
H
Yeah.
- [129:59]
B
Can you as a guy who plays someone who's gay on tv, can you tell me last night's game between Alex Smith, Tom Brady and the backup for Garoppolo. You're not going to find a better looking trio. Of course, that is like you are casting a movie and putting a handsome leading man as quarterback. Now, Gary, take your time. Find me three of the hunkiest shots of these guys. And you may want to place something that absorbs moisture under you, Allison, because when you see like a sack of kitty litter or a towelette. But either way, when you see these three guys. My wife, she doesn't care about football at all. But she walked past the TV set and went like, ho, ho. What have we here?
- [130:51]
F
That's why Andy Reid is a quality counterbalance to last night's game.
- [130:55]
B
That's right.
- [130:56]
H
I've said before, as long as Andy Reid is in Kansas City, I have a Halloween costume.
- [131:01]
D
Him forever.
- [131:05]
B
You better hope he keeps that weight on Stone Street.
- [131:10]
H
I got a balloon up. I gotta stop. That's my biggest pet peeve. People send me pictures when they dress up as cam for Halloween and inevitably they put a pillow in their shirt.
- [131:20]
B
Funny, it's when they start putting two up tops. When you got to work. Eric, please come on the show whenever. Whenever you see fit. We love having you on and you're right in the neighborhood. And we'll be watching Modern Family. Thanks, buddy.
- [131:37]
H
Thanks, Rich.
- [131:37]
F
Take care.
- [131:38]
A
Bye.
- [131:39]
B
Oh, I said good luck.
- [131:40]
D
Can you come by right now? We can make room.
- [131:43]
B
Yeah. Good guy.
- [131:44]
F
He is a good guy. Again, I love when I get all caps emails railing on the strength and conditioning coach of the Kansas City Chiefs unsolicited, out of the blue. That's a hardcore sports fan right there. All caps.
- [131:59]
B
I'm sorry to Eric, but the problem is the Chiefs are 500. They're not four.
- [132:05]
F
No, no.
- [132:06]
B
They played a great game. But it is a story that Brady and Belichick no doubt look like they've lost their fastball.
- [132:14]
F
And the issue with the Chiefs is they have to. First they got to beat Peyton Manning.
- [132:18]
B
A. Alison, would you like to look up and just cream in your jeans?
- [132:22]
F
Look at that. Look at Jimmy Garoppolo on the right there.
- [132:25]
B
Those were the three guys that started basically played in last night's game.
- [132:30]
F
Brady is dreamy. There's no other way to put it.
- [132:32]
E
Who's the middle one?
- [132:33]
F
That's. It's. That's Tom.
- [132:34]
D
That's Tom Brady.
- [132:35]
E
Okay.
- [132:35]
D
I don't think there's a better starting, better looking backup starter quarterback combo in football.
- [132:41]
C
Who?
- [132:41]
B
Between Brady and Garoppolo. Garoppolo.
- [132:45]
F
No. No relation to Janine.
- [132:46]
B
Yeah. There is no What? They just look a couple of fucking GQ models who happen to be in the NFL. Right.
- [132:53]
F
There it is.
- [132:54]
B
God. Imagine bar hopping after a nice Pats win with those two.
- [132:59]
D
Maybe when Chris Ponder and Matt Castle were on the same team, that could hold a candle. But that's. That's the way out there. Yeah, that's good looking.
- [133:06]
B
Hold a candle in the wind. That's right. Special holder. It moves when he laughs.
- [133:13]
F
But I was saying anyway about the Chiefs. They have to beat Peyton Manning first, and then they have to change this stat that still haunts them. The last quarterback to win a playoff game for them was Joe Montana in 1994. That's how long it's been. So they have to win. He talks about championship. You got to win a playoff game first. They do that and obviously you start building a little bit of credibility. They almost did last year. But Andrew Luck came from like 30 points down to beat them.
- [133:37]
B
Chiefs last one. Super bowl number three. Three. And that was it.
- [133:42]
F
That's a wrap.
- [133:43]
B
And we're on three.
- [133:44]
F
It was four. The jets won three.
- [133:45]
E
Okay.
- [133:45]
F
The Chiefs won four.
- [133:46]
B
And we're on what now? 50?
- [133:48]
F
49.
- [133:49]
B
49.
- [133:49]
F
We're coming 50 next year.
- [133:51]
B
50 next year. So it's. It's been a. Been a while since the Chiefs.
- [133:54]
F
It's been a bit.
- [133:55]
B
I've won a Super Bowl. And it's also kind of fair to say in a sad way, they won the super bowl before. The super bowl was really the Super Bowl.
- [134:04]
F
Yeah, it was the AFL NFL Championship game. That's what it was called.
- [134:06]
B
And you know, sometimes the stands weren't completely full and they'd have a flyover by biplane.
- [134:14]
F
Their owner did come up with the name Super bowl bowl, though. He did. Hunt. Yeah. Lamar Hunt.
- [134:18]
B
Lamar Hunt.
- [134:19]
D
Is it true that footage from the first super bowl is so rare? The NFL plays pays a hefty. Well, it pays like a nice fee.
- [134:25]
F
If someone could know the answer to that.
- [134:27]
D
Well, if someone could produce like, you know, to home movies in the. Have you not heard that?
- [134:30]
F
No, I haven't heard that.
- [134:30]
D
Oh, I've heard that. The footage was so rare.
- [134:32]
B
The great thing about all the NFL stuff, because of what an amazing franchise and money cow it's turned into now is all the stories of like. Well, when the NFL films first wanted the rights to the bid was $2,500 to film the first two was a.
- [134:51]
F
Raincoat salesman in Philadelphia. True story. And he just shot. He shot his kids in film all the time. He became a film aficionado and he got the rights from Pete Roselle and the rest is his history.
- [135:02]
B
Yeah, true story.
- [135:03]
F
He sold raincoats, that guy, Like Jerry Seinfeld's dad.
- [135:08]
B
That guy had a motor, didn't he? Who? Ed Sable.
- [135:10]
F
Yeah. He's still alive.
- [135:11]
B
Oh, I'm sorry. His son. Wait a minute.
- [135:13]
F
Steve passed?
- [135:14]
B
Steve passed.
- [135:15]
F
Ed is still alive. Ed, I think, just turned 92, 93.
- [135:19]
A
He's alive.
- [135:21]
B
Yeah, I was thinking of his son, but they both had incredible motors and just. I think it's one of those things too, without sounding too cliche, when you just sort of follow your passion, you tend to live a little bit longer and life's a little bit better. Like, you just. You do that, you magically get your motor. Just like you magically get your motor when once a year, your team's coming in town and you're tailgating or something or whatever. If you don't mind getting up at 6am that day and you don't mind for your Hawaiian vacation, getting up, like all the stuff you love to do, going skiing, whatever it is, you magically get your motor. Scoring drugs, fucking whatever it is that gets you going. You always have energy for that. But imagine if your whole life is that. I mean, that's the NFL. Yeah. Is there going to be. I was.
- [136:11]
D
Rich is going to live to 130.
- [136:13]
B
Oh, he what? He's living the dream.
- [136:15]
E
Driving to El Segundo.
- [136:16]
F
That's right. Elsa Gundo.
- [136:18]
B
I.
- [136:19]
F
Wait a minute. Monorail. Come visit.
- [136:20]
B
Ed just turned 98.
- [136:22]
F
98 this month.
- [136:26]
B
Rich, riddle me this. Tell me what you think. We're having this talk, me and cousin Sal and the rest of the guys that go over to Kimmel's theater and watch football on Sunday. And I said, you know, the Thursday night game, the Sunday night game. Said eventually every day of the week is going to get filled in. Right?
- [136:47]
F
No, that's not gonna happen.
- [136:48]
B
Never. But is there something on the table like a Friday night game?
- [136:52]
F
First of all, there won't ever be a Friday night game. And the reason why is the league has an antitrust exemption based on whatever happened in Congress when Richard Nixon was in the White House. This is a true story. And from what I understand, the only reason why that the exemption was given, part of the exchange was that the NFL can never play on Friday nights based on high school football. They can never go ahead and take Friday night lights and get rid of it because NFL football is on. They will not be football on Friday nights. There just won't. Saturdays will happen once a year. We're gonna have a Saturday double header. Once all the college bowl games, before the bowl games, beginning after the championship games, there's always that one Saturday right after the Heisman Trophy is given out, before all the crazy ass bowl games you've never heard of, sponsored by these. Sure. You've never heard of start. We're gonna have a double header. I think we got the. We got Washington and Philly and we've got San Francisco and San Diego. It'll be on CBS or NFL Network for one Saturday, and those are hugely popular. And then Sundays and Mondays you're gonna have. I mean, colleges might start playing on Wednesdays maybe, I don't know. But Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I can't see having football with regularity. And certainly Fridays, you won't ever see the NFL on that.
- [138:07]
B
But the thing that's interesting about our wiring is when I grew up, football was Sunday. And then Monday Night Football came about and that was it, you know, when the games were over on Sunday, basically, well, it's time to wait until next week or next week. Now they start coming with the Thursday night game and the Sunday night game. And I find myself standing around on a Wednesday pissed, where's my football? Why is there no football? Which shows our wiring, which is. Instead of being grateful that there are a couple more nights a week for football, instead I'm just angry that the other two days in the calendar, three days in the calendar, have not been filled in with football.
- [138:44]
F
I don't know if that. That's ever going to be serviced. I just don't know. I don't think so. I mean, it's a third at this point in time. It's tough enough for play. I mean, you see, sometimes, I'll even admit it, sometimes the Thursday games are a little choppy because players who are injured would normally play on a Sunday. Can't get ready for Thursday. Some teams mentally can't get ready for Thursday, going from Sunday to Thursday. And then the other teams can. And that's when you see a lopsided game. You see that, but it's not like, you know, we saw a lopsided game where Tampa, Tampa played Atlanta, which was a short trip for them, and they got waxed 56, 14. And then the next week, the Giants go down to D.C. near the away team, and they, they smoked. They smoked the skins the other night.
- [139:25]
B
Who do we, who do we like? Who does Rich Eisen like in the Super Bowl? What do you think?
- [139:31]
F
Seattle? So much.
- [139:32]
B
Yeah.
- [139:32]
F
They're only going to get Better. I like them. If they stay healthy. I don't see them. I honestly, I think they're. They're going to get there. They're going to. I don't if they might lose one at home. They could lose even if they go five and three on the road, that's enough for them to win that division and. And maybe even the conference. I don't see anybody winning 13 games in the NFC. Not even Dallas. And even if Dallas did do that, I could see Seattle going into the Jones Mahal and handing it to him. I really do. I like them a lot. Denver too. I like.
- [140:02]
B
Is a football life on NFL Network. Is that.
- [140:06]
F
Yeah. There's a great one on Sean Taylor last week.
- [140:08]
B
I want to see that. I missed that.
- [140:10]
F
There's a great one on Sean Taylor now.
- [140:11]
B
I'll get you the DVD. He was. I'll TiVo it. I'll figure it out. He was the DB for the Redskins, right?
- [140:19]
F
Safety. Yeah.
- [140:20]
B
Shot. Killed three years into his.
- [140:22]
F
No, he was. There was a. Somebody broke into his house and shot him.
- [140:26]
B
Did they get to the bottom of that one?
- [140:28]
F
They finally just put somebody in jail last year for it. Two kids.
- [140:32]
D
Totally random.
- [140:33]
F
Yes.
- [140:34]
D
That's crazy.
- [140:34]
F
But everybody thought because of his off the field history that it must have been something that happened in his life that he brought it on or provoked it or it found him. But it was totally random. Absolutely random.
- [140:48]
B
What was the. Now people should know that this guy was great. An all pro safety, third year young.
- [140:55]
F
He just played three years. That's it.
- [140:58]
B
An amazing. I'm trying to think. You tell us the story and I'll try to think of. Wasn't there a DB for Seattle too that had the same.
- [141:09]
F
I don't know.
- [141:09]
B
It wasn't shot and killed but died. I'll try to figure it out.
- [141:12]
F
But anyway, he went to the U. He went to Miami and he was highly touted and he came out and you know, he had some off the field issues, which is why a lot of people thought that whatever happened in his house it was something that he brought on by himself. But I believe it was like a girlfriend's cousin who was. Who knew somebody who knew somebody else and they just thought that he wasn't home. I believe he was on his bye week and he was home and the wrong place, wrong time. Terrible. He bled out.
- [141:42]
B
He was just like in his bed or something.
- [141:45]
F
Well, he was trying to stop an intruder in his house and they just.
- [141:48]
B
Had a gun and I don't know.
- [141:50]
F
The exact details if he had one. And Tried to use it and it was used against him or they were weaponized, I don't know.
- [141:56]
B
And they were just kids. I mean like 18, 19 year old kids.
- [142:00]
F
Kids. Yeah.
- [142:01]
B
It's a hell of a story.
- [142:02]
F
I mean in his football life is remarkable. And so many people who have. Who came into contact with him in his college and then in his professional career. I mean he's considered one of the all time greats of Washington, certainly of our generation. He was really, really good. And I remember Joe Gibbs was the coach and they played 10 men on defense. I think the first game after he.
- [142:24]
B
Passed the first game.
- [142:26]
F
They've just played 10 men on defense for. For a couple of plays.
- [142:30]
B
Oh, for a couple of plays. Yeah.
- [142:31]
F
For. Not for the game. No, no, no, no, no.
- [142:35]
B
Because I had a lot of money on that game and I was living, I don't know, plaque.
- [142:40]
F
But it is still. It's still on the NFL Network.
- [142:43]
B
The under.
- [142:43]
F
It's a great. It's a great series.
- [142:45]
B
Yeah. Yeah. You know, I know it's so sad that we decide when someone gets shot whether it was a waste or not. But this one, I mean, just over the over nothing part of it. I don't know what, did they steal a DVR?
- [142:59]
D
Was it over 10 years ago at this point?
- [143:02]
F
That's a good question.
- [143:03]
B
It's been a while.
- [143:04]
F
I don't have the Internet in front of me.
- [143:05]
B
2007, so. So says Gary. I was trying to think of the DB for. I think it was USC that.
- [143:16]
D
Oh, they had a couple guys killed in a car accident. Darrell Russell got killed in a car accident.
- [143:21]
B
No, no, no. I'm thinking about the guy. Fun part about getting old, just start spitting out things and let other people put it back together. There was a DB for Cleveland, I think. Was it Cleveland? Did it come from SC or is it ucla? Was either USC or either USC or UCLA went to Cleveland. Who died at a young age. It was like a dominant.
- [143:44]
D
Recently.
- [143:45]
B
No, this was 20 years back. All right, let's. Gary can look around.
- [143:51]
F
Good luck. Good luck.
- [143:53]
B
If it helps, he was black. That help? Good Google search. Good luck to you. Anyway, smart mouth. This is something I know about. You know what I've been doing lately, which is Don Rogers. Now I'll try to figure out what happened. I don't know if you guys have done this, but I got this smart mouth and it's mouthwash and I do this move. This is a power move. It comes in a little squirt dispenser. I put two, three squirts in my mouth. And then I brush my teeth with the mouthwash in there to bath water.
- [144:25]
D
Supersize it.
- [144:26]
B
Yeah, it is great stuff. Anyway, you can take the challenge. What you do is you lick your arm. You wait five seconds. Now don't get confused and lick someone else's arm. That can be trouble. Lick your own arm, wait five seconds and then give it a sniff. If it smells funky, maybe your breath is pretty funkified too. Or you have reeky arms or really rank wrists. Probably your mouth, probably your breath. I would say you go with smart mouth. It works long. It's gets up to 12 hours. Fresh breath. And they have two solutions. You mix them together. It's powerful, it's long lasting, it is awesome. And you can try it out. How about that? Smart mouth. Smart mouth. And it's in the green box. It's in stores. I have it. It doesn't overpower you, but you still get that it's doing something feeling. And it is awesome. Smart mouth. All right, so. So let's see. Ah, there we go. Don Rogers. You know, Don Rogers was, I think, an all pro, certainly like all American at UCLA. One of the big, like big free safeties. UCLA had a little run where they put out DBs.
- [145:42]
D
Okay.
- [145:43]
B
SC and UCLA both put out a lot of DBs for a while anyway. Went to UCLA, played safety for Cleveland. 84 and 85. Died of a coke over dose before his wedding. That was the. It's eight days after Lynn Bice died.
- [146:01]
F
Oh, my gosh.
- [146:02]
B
And he was defensive rookie the year at Cleveland. Oh, so he wasn't surprised.
- [146:06]
D
Know who he was?
- [146:07]
B
There's your next football life right there.
- [146:09]
F
I'll get on it.
- [146:11]
B
Please.
- [146:14]
F
I'll kick that up the chain of command.
- [146:15]
B
Oh, man. All right, what do we. We'll do a little news. We'll take some phone calls. Rich Eisen in studio. The podcast. The Rich Eisen Podcast.
- [146:27]
F
It's my last one this week.
- [146:29]
B
I'm shuttering that bad boy on itunes. Yeah, so forget that.
- [146:33]
F
No, it's good.
- [146:34]
B
No, I mean it's good.
- [146:35]
F
Four years of it and we had some great. You were one of my favorite guests on that thing. That's why you gotta keep coming on this new show. Adam. Carolla.
- [146:43]
B
Well, October 6th, exclusively on DirecTV's Audience Network. And I will be tickled pink to come on there. I'm obviously excited about the goal post raising. I'm now setting my sights on the replay gimp.
- [146:56]
F
Yes, the replay gimp needs to happen where. Where we dress him up like The Gimp. That's the. That's the rub. You know what I mean? Like, I understand having somebody who just lives in the basement of a stadium that has no idea what's just happened and you just throw them into the middle of the mix just based on the play itself. You don't to have. Have to know any of the context.
- [147:18]
B
Well, as we always say, the frustrating part is it looked like his foot was on the line, but there's just not enough to overturn the call that was made on the field. Right. And I don't want the over. I don't want no the call on the field. I want the NFL gimp with fresh eyes.
- [147:31]
F
I like it. It's just dressing him in the zipper leather outfit might be. That's the rub. I don't know how we can get that one past the. The taste. Mason.
- [147:42]
B
I think there are tasteful sort of respectful gimp outfits. I'm pretty sure the places like the Mark logos. There's Elaine Gimp for the heavier set ones. The forgotten Gimp. The places we can go. There's a big and gimp.
- [147:55]
D
Do you feel like the fresh eyes of the replay gimp might be mitigated by the fact that he's kept in a box and therefore might be blinded by light?
- [148:02]
B
Well, initially he will be. When he comes out. I mean, obviously during the day games, he's going to come out and react to that.
- [148:09]
F
That's part of the fun.
- [148:10]
D
I'm spitballing.
- [148:11]
B
We're going to bring him out. He comes out like the Buffalo does in the Colorado games. There's two people on each. Ralphie comes out, there's two people on, holding a strap.
- [148:21]
F
Huge.
- [148:22]
B
Holding a strap. And he's pulling them. Yes, almost. Okay. And again, the best. The best part of the showman.
- [148:30]
F
You're a showman.
- [148:31]
B
Yes, obviously. Yeah.
- [148:33]
F
You got to have some flair to it.
- [148:35]
B
Yes. It's called NFL business. Shit, I screwed that one up. That's show business, boy. Is. Look, there's a. There's a reason why they have a halftime show and they get the biggest names in the world to play those things. It's entertainment. Now, my favorite part is when the gimp pops out from under the hood and puts the thumb thumbs down. If it's against the hometown crowd, especially somewhere loud like KC Or Seattle, that's when the handler starts flogging the crap out of them with the same strap of leather that we're using to pull them out onto the field moments early. And we pull him back into. Into the Hole. But they're flogging him as he's going back. As he's going back.
- [149:19]
F
What happens if it. Yeah, but what happens if it is a good. It's good for the home team. What do we do then? Do you just pat him on the head or what?
- [149:27]
B
He gets a gimpy treat. She reaches into her little satchel. Yep. It's. It's one of those kind of. It's a girl, but she's probably a lesbian. It's like a trainer. Like at the SeaWorld Aquarium. Like aquarium. She reaches it, gets a little gimpy treat.
- [149:41]
F
I like it.
- [149:42]
B
And feeds it to him.
- [149:43]
F
I like it.
- [149:43]
B
Feeds it to him.
- [149:44]
F
And that sponsorship, we can get that sold.
- [149:46]
B
Oh, and get treat sold. Yeah, Nabisco get it right on there.
- [149:49]
D
Pink ones for October.
- [149:51]
B
She does a move where she scratches him right in the back of the neck. She does, like, scratchy move right where the thing. And his leg. His right leg moves just a little bit. Just does a weird sort of. He doesn't know his leg is moving.
- [150:04]
F
That's.
- [150:05]
B
You know what I mean? But his leg does a little. Like he's on an invisible skateboard.
- [150:09]
C
Yeah.
- [150:09]
B
You know what I mean?
- [150:10]
D
Yeah.
- [150:10]
B
As she does that little thing after feeding him the tree, too, with his back leg, you know, just sort of. Well, let's not compare him to a dog, Richard.
- [150:16]
F
I'm sorry.
- [150:21]
B
Please treat him with the respect and dignity.
- [150:24]
F
You're right.
- [150:25]
B
That's the way to treat it like your own gimp.
- [150:27]
F
That's the way to sell something to upper management.
- [150:29]
E
And where are you going to find the gimp?
- [150:31]
D
Well, first off, you can get a gimp, Allison.
- [150:34]
F
You can Craigslist.
- [150:35]
B
You can get Craigslist. You can get one. Just. First off, you swing a cat in this town and it'll hit a gimp. I mean, I know it sounds cliche, you've heard a thousand times before, but you cannot swing a cat in this town without hitting a gimp.
- [150:51]
F
There's a gimp tailgate every week.
- [150:55]
E
You're gonna have auditions or you're gonna handpick the gimp.
- [150:58]
F
I like it.
- [150:58]
B
Well, there's a certain posture, a certain size. You want a guy with a sort of large carriage who of hunched, rolled a little bit ill fitting into the suit, Right? And then, of course, people are going to be dressing up like the gimp and showing up at the stadium and doing all that kind of stuff.
- [151:15]
F
Here's what I like about this is you have credibility already, Adam, because let's be honest here, when you posited this whole goalpost gambit. People thought you were crazy. People thought you were howling at the moon. Why in the world would they go ahead and put five more feet on top of each upright on the goal.
- [151:37]
E
Post when they can just do it with lasers?
- [151:39]
F
When they could do it with lasers. Yes. You said it was a simple fix. Just go to the Home Depot. You get out there with a level. It's very simple. You just. You laid it all out there, and people thought you were crazy, that you had absolutely no chance of making this happen. And guess what? It happened.
- [151:53]
B
Here we are.
- [151:54]
F
Here we are with raised uprights in the National Football League, higher than ever before, way up to the sky.
- [152:00]
B
Right.
- [152:01]
F
We are in week four. Now week five, four weeks is gone. We haven't had a single.
- [152:06]
B
That's right.
- [152:07]
F
Incident in the first four weeks of. Did it go? Is it good? Is it not? Not one.
- [152:12]
B
That's right.
- [152:12]
F
That is not. You have fixed that problem.
- [152:15]
B
Right.
- [152:15]
F
So why not a replay gimp? That's what I say.
- [152:19]
B
From your mouth.
- [152:20]
F
Why not?
- [152:21]
B
I agree with Rich Eisen. And, you know, even in the. Even in the Sunday night game or the Monday night game, they had a play, and they had a play toward the end of the game where the receiver for the Pats clearly caught the ball and had it popped out, and it was a fumble and Casey fell on it, and they didn't. Didn't go ahead and take a look at it, which I think was more about the fact that the game was out of reach and people are looking at. Looking to go home. But again, what is normally a nuisance, which is the whole replay part, where the old guy goes under the hood, the. The stadium would then erupt in cheers when the gimp was run out there. All right, shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen. Let's. Let's get to that. The news with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with. Oh, sorry. Real quick, couple questions for Rich and company. Guys have been on hold for a million years. Line one, Adam Phoenix.
- [153:35]
A
Yeah.
- [153:35]
B
How you doing, guys? Good. You're 30. You have a question for Rich? Yeah. I was wondering, in light of all the Simmons stuff, you know, you got slapped on the wrist last week and then, you know, you work for the NFL Network.
- [153:47]
F
Yeah.
- [153:47]
B
How much pressure. How much pressure do you feel to be able to report accurately, or do you feel like you have to go light because of your affiliation on the NFL.
- [153:55]
F
I don't have to go light. I never do. And I honestly, I got through the lockout when there's billions of dollars on the line, if I can get through the lockout with anybody without anybody telling me what to say or what not to say or how to say it, which never happened one single time. I don't feel that in any way.
- [154:11]
B
I've been there many times, and not that this is anecdotal, obviously, but Rich has never had a conversation with a guy in a suit and a pinky ring saying anything before we started the podcast or your show or anything.
- [154:25]
F
Never once. So, no. And I've always felt, you know, free. I mean, but the NFL Network won't, say, ever do an expose on performance enhancing drugs in the locker room, if there is or not. Or, you know, that's just not what we do. And every single network has some form of self, I guess, self interest in being in business with the National Football League. And they might temper their comments a little bit from time to time just because of that. I always think about the end of the Movie Network where everybody. Remember when Ned Beatty told Peter Finch that. That there's no such thing as countries anymore. It's just corporations, and you're messing with the nature of business. So that happens in every walk of life. I've never, however, been once told what to say or how to say it. Not a single time in 11 years.
- [155:20]
H
Do you feel like Simmons went too far with that?
- [155:24]
F
In terms of what Bill did? I mean, you know, as we all know, I mean, you know, Bill. Bill speaks his mind. He's. He's as. As great as they come. I would never go on the air and dare my management to suspend me. But then again, I don't have my own website.
- [155:42]
B
Well, thanks, Adam. You know, look, I love Bill.
- [155:47]
F
Bill. Listen, man, I met Bill years ago when he was. When he was blogging for digitalcity.com and he came in and hung out with his buddy gus Ramsey and SportsCenter, like 1997. What he has done and what he's built for himself is phenomenal. And the envy, by the way, of everybody in our business. And if anybody denies that, they are telling a lie.
- [156:11]
B
So, you know, I just saw Bill. Well, we saw you saw Bill last weekend at my house for my housewarming party.
- [156:20]
F
Bill's the man.
- [156:21]
B
Love Bill. And by the way, his wife's even better than he is. Although I don't know about if she writes a good column or not. But Carrie Simmons, I don't know how he.
- [156:30]
F
I don't know how I. I've told him that he's the most prolific writer I've ever seen. I don't know how he does that. And it's like he does it in five minutes.
- [156:39]
B
Yeah, he just flows.
- [156:40]
F
Unbelievable.
- [156:41]
B
But he.
- [156:44]
F
The. He'll write his own ticket, too.
- [156:46]
B
Everybody knows that. He's fine. But look, you know, people. People say to me all the time, trying to think. I was just talking to Dr. Drew on our podcast about, oh, I think it was like Allstate or something, firing Rob Schneider because Rob Schneider said he didn't believe in vaccinations. And do you think that's all right, or is that not all right or blah, blah, blah? And I just said, look, Rob Schneider has the right to say whatever he wants about vaccinations. I don't agree with him, but of course he has that right. And also, Allstate has the right to fire all him if they would. Like there's nobody. It's a weird question. They're both right. If you want to say, well, shouldn't he have the right to speak his mind? Of course he should have the right to speak his mind. But I would also agree with the company that employs him. It's their right to do whatever they want. You can agree with it or disagree with it, but that is their right as a company, and it's also his right as an individual and a citizen of this country.
- [157:50]
F
I actually saw Rob Schnarder the other day. I did not know his stance on that. That I also needed to wash my hands after having shaken his. I had no idea that was his stance.
- [158:00]
B
Yes.
- [158:00]
F
Is that true?
- [158:01]
B
Yes.
- [158:01]
E
He is very anti vaccine.
- [158:03]
F
So does that mean I have rubella now? Is that possible that I don't? That I have some form tetanus?
- [158:11]
B
I think the deal is patchouli kills all the foreign bodies that try to attack your immune system. I didn't know if you did not know that. All right, real quick, just so we can say we did it. John 42, Fort Worth.
- [158:27]
C
Hey, how's it going, Adam?
- [158:28]
B
Yeah, you want to know, let's say who's the bigger douchebag? The guy on a motorcycle who blasts his radio way too loud or the guy driving the race jeep with no doors? The guy riding. Driving the race jeep is a bigger douchebag, but the guy on the motorcycle is a more impactful douchebag. So hopefully they both die in a horrible wreck. But the guy's radio was blasting As a bigger douchebag to me, because it's impacting my world. That's right.
- [159:00]
E
Why would you want no doors? You're not a mailman.
- [159:04]
B
There's a lot of guys that, first off, need a constant flow of air underneath their ball sack, and that's how those guys drive. Cargo. Sure. Shorts and commando underneath.
- [159:14]
E
Why is everyone in the other room clapping air on your balls?
- [159:17]
B
No, totally. It's exactly the reason, the only reason to drive a jeep with no doors. So you can put your leg out the door. Left leg. And the. And the wind blows. Positive airflow. Yeah. It's awesome. There's something amazingly freeing about a constant airflow under your ball sack. Just enough just to get it just a couple inches off the seat and hold it there.
- [159:38]
E
Oh, tight balls.
- [159:40]
B
Yeah. Certain amount of lift.
- [159:43]
F
There's another one up on the screen there about the American in Dallas who is confirmed to have contracted Ebola. Is that Ralph Schneider?
- [159:53]
B
Right, Chris?
- [159:55]
D
Yes.
- [159:56]
B
Yeah. What's going on? Someone got Ebola.
- [159:59]
D
Yeah.
- [159:59]
H
Some guy in Dallas has been confirmed to have Ebola.
- [160:02]
B
And I'm just seeing if you guys.
- [160:03]
H
Think this is gonna start spreading around.
- [160:05]
B
The country and we're all gonna die.
- [160:06]
F
Well, I can give you an update on this, actually, before coming. The reason why I was early is I went to Glendale to go try and pick up the new iPhone 6, and they were sold out. They said, go online. It might be quicker to get that. So I just decided I had time to kill. I went on one of those computers in the Apple store there, and guy to my right is on a computer blasting music. And I turn to my right to look at him, and he looks at me, goes, did you hear about this guy with Ebola in Dallas? And I look at him. I swear to God. The guy had a surgical gown on and rubber gloves. Really? Both hands. And I thought to myself, this is the strangest fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
- [160:59]
D
Doctors need iPhones too, but.
- [161:02]
E
Or germaphobes.
- [161:03]
F
Exactly.
- [161:04]
E
He's probably been saying. Probably has a version of this that he says every single day. And it just happens that the news coincided in Glendale yesterday. It was probably SARS and then also mrsa.
- [161:15]
F
Just chatting up people.
- [161:16]
E
Did you hear about.
- [161:17]
F
With the same thing. It's like a mad lib, but he just changes the disease.
- [161:21]
E
He probably drives with a mask on his face.
- [161:23]
B
He did bird flu for a while with no.
- [161:25]
F
With no doors because he's wearing that gown. I mean, could you seriously. He had. I'm not joking. This was in the glen. And I thought to myself, wait a minute. I'm on a common computer right now.
- [161:37]
B
Yeah.
- [161:38]
F
Touching it.
- [161:39]
B
I. I feel this guy. First off, I wouldn't mind a little thinning of the herd in this country. I really wouldn't. I'd like to do the weeding. I'd like to do the weeding without the receding.
- [161:51]
D
Is that your final solution to our problem?
- [161:53]
B
You know. You know, they do a thing where they go, you know, who's. You know, who is most vulnerable? The elderly. The elderly are most vulnerable. I think myself, you know, economically would help this country quite a bit if there was just something that swept the nation, that took out everyone over 72.
- [162:08]
D
That's true. Financially.
- [162:09]
B
Oh, my Lord. See you, Nana. But either way, we get this economy back on track, you know, so that's number one. Number two, I've been sitting in my place in North Hollywood waiting for the killer bees to get here from South America for 41 years now. It must be new bees by now. I don't think they can be the same bees, but either way, you hear this shit all day. Here's all I know. We are out of problems, and that's why we just go berserk over there. Nobody, you know, will ever be affected by this. Except for the nut job in the Glendale Galleria. Right.
- [162:50]
F
Right there next to. I mean, of all the things to turn to me and talk to me about wearing a hospital gown, but he's also got surgical rubber gloves on his hands.
- [163:01]
E
Did he look crazy?
- [163:03]
F
Well, he didn't look it, but he began to sound it very fast.
- [163:07]
B
But he was also there to listen. He was there to listen to free music. It was.
- [163:11]
F
It wasn't the U2 album. It was. It was. He was downloading other stuff to listen to it. You know, it was clearly not the free stuff that the Apple Store was giving out. You know, I'm not. It was definitely getting weirder by the moment.
- [163:27]
B
All right, so.
- [163:28]
F
So I didn't get this. I didn't get the 6, but I'm hoping I also didn't contract something.
- [163:33]
B
Yeah, the e. We hope. Listen, I hope whoever recovers, but I'm not interested in these scares that jump up and pop up all the time. And they do pop up all the time.
- [163:45]
D
Serious shit, man.
- [163:46]
B
All right, all right. Well, it'll. It'll come and cdc, by the way.
- [163:50]
D
Yeah.
- [163:50]
F
Is that what it says on the website?
- [163:51]
B
Serious shit.
- [163:52]
D
Yeah, that was the.
- [163:53]
B
Yeah. All right, now. Sorry, the. Because Rich is on a schedule. Rich, you got a hard out Two minutes ago.
- [164:00]
F
Hard out. Yeah. So it's now a soft out.
- [164:03]
B
All right, Rich, would you like. We can.
- [164:06]
F
I gotta pick my son up.
- [164:07]
B
All right, you can pick your son up. And.
- [164:09]
E
Thank you.
- [164:11]
B
He's at school. He's at practice.
- [164:13]
F
No, he's at somebody's house and not feeling well. So apparently I gotta definitely. That's a big E. I hope not. That's exactly. I'll let you know. Let you know.
- [164:22]
E
It's like the newsletter.
- [164:23]
F
I'll see you at the Apple Store at the Beverly Center. I'll let you know.
- [164:26]
B
I always say that's when I knew Mark McGuire was juicy. When he hit his 500th home run, he came around home plate and he picked his son up over his head.
- [164:36]
F
Yeah.
- [164:36]
B
His son was built like a jukebox.
- [164:39]
F
He was like a jukebox.
- [164:40]
D
125 pound.
- [164:42]
B
He was 11, but he was wider than he was. And when he hoisted that kid over his head, I was like, all right.
- [164:48]
F
He's like Andy Reid in the punt, pass and kick.
- [164:51]
B
That's right. Somebody's been juicing here. Yeah. Batting helmet and all. All right, Rich, go pick your child up. The Rich Eisen Show.
- [165:01]
F
Thank you.
- [165:02]
B
There it is. I mean, the kid was 10. He was at 185. Rich Eisenhower. That's when I knew he'd been juicing. Rich Eisen Show. I'll be on it as soon as I can. It premieres October 6th exclusively on DirecTV's Audience Network. Rich, always a delight, my friend.
- [165:21]
F
Appreciate that. Same to you.
- [165:22]
B
And we'll see you very soon. All right, we'll do a little news with Allison Rosen. What do we got, baby girl?
- [165:29]
E
Oh, did we already. We already played it. Rich Eisen's leaving just as we're doing a story that involves sports. Shannon Sharpe has been tweeting, and he did not appreciate the impression of him that Kenan Thompson did on SNL on the season premiere. Did you guys see this? We have a little bit of a clip.
- [165:46]
B
Well, first off, it's weird because. Because Kenan is a fairly heavy set, sort of.
- [165:52]
E
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- [165:53]
B
Jay Farrow now makes sense.
- [165:55]
E
Kenan was Ray Lewis.
- [165:56]
B
They don't all look alike. And Shannon Sharpe is just a specimen. I mean, him.
- [166:03]
D
Physically, he's a monster.
- [166:04]
B
Him and Sterling are his brother.
- [166:07]
D
Okay, I tweeted this a couple years ago and got called a racist. But how does Sterling and Shannon Sharpe sound so different? They were. They are brothers. They were raised together, right?
- [166:18]
B
Yes.
- [166:19]
D
One sounds like a country bumpkin and the other is a Professional broadcaster.
- [166:23]
B
Because they also.
- [166:24]
E
Which one is Shannon?
- [166:25]
B
Yeah, that's Shannon Sharpe there.
- [166:28]
F
So.
- [166:30]
B
So, yeah, they have a crazy.
- [166:32]
C
How.
- [166:34]
E
Racist.
- [166:35]
B
Wait, they all look alike. They all sound alike. No, no, wait.
- [166:37]
D
No, they're different.
- [166:38]
B
Okay, I got nothing racist to say, so I'm not going to say anything about all like my. Something racist to say. Don't say it at all.
- [166:47]
E
Let's hear a little bit of it.
- [166:48]
B
Mr. Sharp. Why is this such an ongoing problem? I believe that players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive.
- [166:59]
C
Okay.
- [167:00]
F
When you get off that field, you're.
- [167:01]
B
Full of adrenaline, throne painkillers and butt light lines.
- [167:08]
A
The NFL need to calm these players down.
- [167:10]
B
You know, maybe have some herbal tea or some light show. You know, the possibilities go to infinity candy.
- [167:20]
G
All right, let's look at another clip.
- [167:22]
B
From Roger Goodell, who I think so. Now, the thing about Shannon Sharpe is he's ripe for the pickin when it comes to parody.
- [167:31]
D
Yeah. Impressions. Yeah, of course.
- [167:33]
B
He's that guy.
- [167:34]
D
He's a super distinctive way of talking. Talking just like that.
- [167:37]
E
Does he. I don't know what he sounds like. I know that Daniel thought this was pretty funny.
- [167:41]
D
Shockingly similar.
- [167:43]
B
We'll find a clip. Or we would have had a clip. Done our homework.
- [167:48]
D
But his brother, Sterling Sharpe, sounds like a. If you didn't know he was a player 10 years ago or whatever it was, you'd be like, oh, that guy's just an anchor on. On a network. He sounds like a professional broadcaster.
- [167:59]
B
Did Gary go somewhere to get a. You have a personal.
- [168:02]
E
Our Internet's down at the moment.
- [168:03]
B
Oh, okay. All right. Oh, I'm looking at things, so we'll find a thing. The point is this. First off, whoever you're doing, whether it's Donald Trump or Obama or whoever it is, John Madden, it's a joke. That's the whole point.
- [168:20]
E
Yeah. It doesn't come off well if you take issue with it.
- [168:23]
B
Supposed to. You're supposed to do. First off, when Gilda Radner would do Barbara Walters wasn't a flattering. It's never flattering. It's supposed to be funny.
- [168:37]
D
And it's not dead on. It's an impression. It's a humorous version of what they sound like.
- [168:41]
B
Yeah.
- [168:42]
E
So someone tweeted what Jay Farrow did was not funny. He is no Frank Caliendo. He made it seem like you were not educated the way he was talking. And then Shannon Sharpe retweeted that and wrote. Exactly. And then also he said, okay, so the regular someone tweeted, good to see our Buddy. Shannon Sharpe on SNL this weekend. And then Shannon Sharpe tweeted, that was a horrible impersonation. But I think it's that he feels like it's making him sound stupid.
- [169:06]
B
Well, it is, but when you do Sarah Palin, what do you do? Make her sound like a fucking egghead? I mean, you make them sound. Everybody sounds stupid. Every impersonation of every person on SNL is not flattering if that's what that person really sounded like.
- [169:29]
E
Right.
- [169:30]
B
All right, we'll hear some of Shannon Sharpe when we.
- [169:34]
F
From what I'm hearing from the Dolphins.
- [169:36]
B
From what I've read in the paper, I don't believe they're telling the truth. Ted Wells will get to the bottom of the truth. But I want to talk about a culture that was fostered in that locker room and was allowed to flourish. The Miami Dolphins locker room probably consists of 75, 80% blacks. If you allow Richie incognito to walk around in an open locker room and to use a racial epithet that most black Americans, all black Americans, know, the stigmatism and the hate and the vitriol that comes with that.
- [170:11]
D
Stop it.
- [170:11]
B
You get it?
- [170:12]
D
And that's serious. Shannon, too. Shannon, Normally it's a little more jovial.
- [170:15]
B
Yeah. When he gets whipped up and jovial.
- [170:17]
F
Yes.
- [170:18]
E
Also in the. The bid on snl, his bow ties started getting bigger. They cut back to him, and it was gigantic.
- [170:26]
B
Yeah. So listen. Well, here's. Can I tell you the bottom line? I was just realizing this. I just had this conversation. Stop me if I did it on the air. I do so many podcasts and so many people's shows, I can't remember what. And when I was talking about. But when I just saw a whole special on Frank Caliendo, the aforementioned Frank Caliendo, and basically started out with Jimmy. Jimmy was doing Fox Television to do the pregame show, and he would bring Frank in and to do John Madden. And so you have Howie Long, who, you know, six'6, 275. Yeah. We're talking about this on stage, I think, in Ventura. These guys have been there. They've gone their entire life. No one's ever poked fun at them. When's the last time someone went and fucked with Shannon Sharp?
- [171:14]
D
Yeah, put that shirtless picture of Shannon Sharp. You're gonna fucking make fun of that.
- [171:18]
B
Guy to his fucking fan.
- [171:19]
E
Right?
- [171:20]
B
And if.
- [171:21]
D
Hey, Shannon, here's what you sound like.
- [171:22]
B
If you're lucky. If you're lucky, he doesn't hit you with a hand that's covered with super bowl rings. Okay. If you're lucky. So when somebody pokes fun, like when you're a comedian, you get used to it pretty, pretty early and often when you're a politician, early and often. Donald Trump, early and often. That's the way it works. But. But these guys, no one ever fucked with them. And that's why when people do, they have this reaction like they're in high school and they're like, I'm going to fucking kill that nerd. How dare you. They don't even realize what they sound like because they've not had this experience. I was just. I've told you guys, it's something everyone should do in their life. It's happened to me. I think I've done it twice in my life. Life. One time was a guy who basically ran icm, and the other time was a big major producer player in this town. And try telling somebody who's never been told to fuck off to fuck off. They're enraged and confused simultaneously. Like, you'll see it in their eyes immediately. Like, if you just walked up to Donald Trump once, went, hey, suck my dick, old man. Fuck yourself. Like, he'd just be like. They don't even know how to process it because it's been so long since anyone has even come close to that.
- [172:51]
E
That confusion. Like we were talking about that trope of the monster who, like, looks at his hand after touching his face and he's bleeding. Like the person who thinks they're invincible.
- [173:00]
B
I can't believe that some guy punched me and drew blood out of the corner of my lip. So when you tell these guys that were, you know, they're 6 4, they're, they're 235, they have 4% body fat. You start poking fun at them and you got these guys who were monsters in high school. It's been 30 years since anyone said anything negative to them. They don't know how to process it, and so they just spit it out this way. All right, but look, he was making him sound dumb. That's the point again, whether it's George Bush or it's Bill Clinton or you keep naming the celebrities or the politicians. I don't think anyone on SNL has ever done a flattering version. That's why you doing it when they are.
- [173:42]
D
You want to laugh at it.
- [173:43]
B
That's right.
- [173:44]
E
All right, all right. Here's a story that I thought might interest you, given your zest for Taboo, too. German government's ethics council is recommending that sex between adult siblings be decriminalized. A psychotherapist and a member of the council said. The majority of the German Ethics Council believes that it is not appropriate for. For a criminal law to preserve a social taboo. But the ethics council does not recommend decriminalizing sex between parents and children.
- [174:15]
B
And we got a long way to go.
- [174:17]
D
Hey, one step at a time.
- [174:19]
B
That's right.
- [174:19]
E
They're not as enlightened as we thought.
- [174:21]
B
Literally, baby steps.
- [174:23]
E
The majority of the council concluded in a report that, quote, neither the consequences for the family nor the possibility for descendants.
- [174:30]
B
We're gonna keep fighting, bro.
- [174:33]
E
Such incestuous relationships, we have lost the battle.
- [174:36]
B
That's right.
- [174:36]
E
Justify a ban under criminal law. So they're not coming out in favor of it, or so they say. But they just don't feel like there should be a law in place.
- [174:47]
D
Anything worth having, it's worth fighting for.
- [174:48]
E
But the government of Germany has said they have no intention of decriminalizing this.
- [174:55]
B
Uh huh. Couple things. First off, Brian, you go there and be the Rosa Parks of Strudeldorf. Bang your unborn child.
- [175:05]
D
Sure, sure.
- [175:06]
B
Number one. You know, it's so funny because out.
- [175:09]
D
Of my cold, dead hands, I always.
- [175:11]
B
Think of politicians and you know, they're the ones who are like, I want to make it illegal to smoke in parks around preschool kids. And everyone goes, all right. And everyone just claps. And you go, this is one of those assholes that just trying to gain some notoriety through one of those sort of no duh, no shit sort of laws where you just pick like, you know, you pick a group, then you give some sort of legislation that's there to help that group. And everyone's like, ah, that's awesome. But. And it's just there for political gain. You don't really care who's smoking at the park. Why is a politician. Do you like, if you're the wife of this politician and he's like, you know what? Tomorrow I'm gonna make sure to decriminalize incest. I'm gonna make sure that we live in a world that if a man wants to have sex with his adult sister, that and under my matter of fact, I'm gonna have my name put on this bill. Like, doesn't the guy's wife like the Schultz bill? Yeah, listen, helmet, then we got bigger, Fisher fry.
- [176:17]
D
Hey, if you want to be in politics, you have a legacy.
- [176:19]
B
Yeah, how about, remember you had that whole thing about biofuel you're working on? How about you get back to that? You know what I mean?
- [176:28]
D
It's important.
- [176:29]
B
Remember the Remember the Audis? That could run on vegetable oil. Let's just do that one and not work so hard on the one where it's okay to have sex with your sibling.
- [176:41]
D
So, yes to biofuels. Backburner. Backburnering your sister.
- [176:47]
B
That's what I'm suggesting. Yeah. No, look, I'm all for the part where we take things that are sort of none of the government's business and just sort of remove them from the table. I mean, that's not in this country. But what I'm saying is I don't like the idea that we have to have a law against everything. I would just sort of hope that common decency laws of nature and just general society would prevent you from doing such things. But I don't know if I need you locked up if you engage in it.
- [177:27]
E
I mean, how often is this being prosecuted? I can't imagine very often.
- [177:31]
B
I gotta ask Mackenzie Phillips because she's the only. She's the only one that truly knows the answer to this question. All right, either way, thank you, Germany, for not disappointing. Lot of range. Lot of range. All right, what else?
- [177:48]
D
Germany Live show.
- [177:49]
E
I wondered if that could have been a no. There's no way. For a second I was like, Germany or Florida, it's like, no would have been clearly Germany. Right. Because there wouldn't be this ethics council in Florida.
- [178:00]
C
Right.
- [178:03]
E
New Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is loyal to Microsoft. He served on the board and is saying that his intention is for the Clippers to become a Microsoft only team. So they might have to get rid of their Apple products.
- [178:18]
B
Now someone's going to come in with their iPhone or something and there's going to be. Yeah, it's gonna be a problem. Right?
- [178:27]
E
Yeah. He wants them to be using surfaces, I guess that.
- [178:32]
D
The tablet plays on iPads and stuff like that. You know, timeouts, everything. He wants them to use. Right, Tablets.
- [178:39]
B
All right.
- [178:40]
D
On the sidelines of football games, coaches have the iPads and everything.
- [178:42]
E
Yeah, he's saying they're gonna get rid of the iPads.
- [178:45]
F
The NFL just switched exclusively to surfaces.
- [178:47]
D
Oh, sorry. I meant generally tablets, but yeah, yeah, sorry.
- [178:50]
A
Interesting.
- [178:51]
B
What do they. They must have some sort of endorsement.
- [178:55]
F
Deal, right, for the NFL.
- [178:57]
B
Yeah, I think it was 400 million. I wonder what the fine would be if a guy just chucked one at the ground or threw it up in the stands. I mean, you know, people kick Gatorade buckets and throw their helmets.
- [179:09]
D
The playbook or the play sheet.
- [179:11]
F
There was some controversy in week one after the deal was struck. Because Chris Berman and a few of the other commentators were referring to iPads while they were showing them using services.
- [179:19]
B
Oh, right. Yeah. And also, you know the thing that's funny? There's two things I enjoy. I enjoy when a guy throws something to the ground and then, unfortunately, has to retrieve it a few moments later by looking around. Like, you'll see the baseball player just chuck his mitt on the ground. He's pissed as hell. And then a few seconds goes by, and he sort of looks around and has to sort of gingerly pick it back up again, sheepishly. Pick it back up. The thing that was always funny in the NFL is they wear the headsets with the wires and the mic that goes across. There is no way to cleanly, in one motion, just pull one of those and throw it to the ground in anger. Because there's an alligator clip that holds part of it to your belt, and then the other part, like, goes around your neck and then comes on. Those guys are always, like, wrestling with it.
- [180:04]
D
It's on your collar.
- [180:05]
B
Yeah. There's no clean. You know, pull it off and chuck it on the ground. You chuck it, it bounces back up. It hits you in the face. It's dragging. There's also the one where the guys try to run off the field with it and chuck it, and it gets caught up on shit. It's just. It's not good. It's not good for chucking.
- [180:19]
D
The head coach usually has a guy or girl in college sometimes who grabs the stuff they throw everyone else. It's on your own. You gotta grab whatever you throw.
- [180:28]
B
Mm. All right, so that'll be the Clippers, and they'll go to Microsoft. What is the deal? Who's got the lion's share of everything these days in terms of. Well, like, I see these commercials for, I don't know, whoever. Apple's big competition is Samsung. Samsung at this point, Samsung. And they're talking about the big screen that they had out in 2011. And this isn't very revolutionary. And then every once in a while, I see a guy with one of those, and I go, I kind of like that.
- [181:02]
E
Mike August has a non Apple product, right?
- [181:04]
B
Yeah. And he just. He uses the shit out of it, and he uses it in a way that makes you want to use it, too. It's like, got a. The screen is big. It's very clear. He has all these little, like, sort of doodads and whistles on it, and you kind of look at it and go, does look a little better than my cool Guy, I had a BlackBerry.
- [181:26]
E
And I have to admit, I mean, I like the iPhone better, but the BlackBerry was easier to type on because I had a keyboard.
- [181:32]
B
Dawson, what do you got? I got The Samsung Galaxy S4. You like it? Yeah, I do. I love it. That's the one Mike has. I don't know, I haven't seen Mike's.
- [181:42]
F
No, Mike has a Windows Phone.
- [181:44]
B
Oh, Windows Phone. Yeah. Well, whatever Mike has, he just got for free from Kimmel, right?
- [181:48]
F
Yeah. It's got a big screen though. It's not unlike the Samsung's.
- [181:51]
B
Yeah, I find my. My fingers are a little bit thick for the texting and all that kind of stuff. I'm basically at that point of life where I need the grandpa sized shit.
- [181:59]
D
The jitterbug.
- [182:01]
E
Maybe the iPhone 6 Plus would help you.
- [182:04]
B
Okay, I'll make a move there. Alright, let's do one more. What do we got?
- [182:08]
E
One more.
- [182:09]
B
Yeah, baby.
- [182:09]
E
Okay. Well, pornhub decided to not familiar, but go on. I think it's a website that has porn on it. That's my sense of it. They have released some information about trends in their traffic and they have figured out which holidays have the most traffic and which holidays have the least traffic.
- [182:34]
B
Would you like to guess which has the most.
- [182:37]
E
Yeah.
- [182:38]
B
And which has the least.
- [182:40]
E
Right. Like do they see a bump in traffic on this holiday or do they see a decline?
- [182:44]
B
Mm. Well, I'm gonna try to work out this. This thing.
- [182:49]
D
I have two guesses, but go ahead. I have two guesses.
- [182:52]
E
You'll probably be right. Sort of straightforward.
- [182:54]
B
Well, obviously it's between Arbor Day and Rosh Hashanah, so I would say there's an algorithm that involves booze.
- [183:03]
D
Yeah, that's why I would say New.
- [183:04]
B
Year's and might involve the misses being out of the house or a little elbow room.
- [183:11]
D
Okay.
- [183:16]
B
New Year's and there's football too.
- [183:19]
D
A lot of dead, a lot of downtime. No one's working.
- [183:22]
E
Yeah, you don't forget some of the lesser known holidays.
- [183:25]
B
Mm, little clue there.
- [183:27]
D
The booze thing then could be like Cinco de Mayo.
- [183:30]
B
Ooh.
- [183:30]
E
I mean, not lesser known, but I'm just saying. Not the federal holidays. Yeah, Ones where you might have it.
- [183:35]
B
Gary says St. Patty's that's another.
- [183:38]
D
Yeah. Drinking one. My number one guess would be Valentine's because number one, you have people who are lonely and thinking about love and romance and all that stuff. And the other people, Maybe there are couples trying to get in the mood. You gotta both ends there.
- [183:48]
F
That's awesome.
- [183:48]
B
I gotta guess Halloween because of all the slutty girl costumes that are out there. Mm, not bad. Feel like the candy on the fingers gonna slow things up a little bit. Obviously that's a factor. Trying to factor in just about everything.
- [184:03]
D
Fingers are sticky. Sweet.
- [184:05]
B
I was on a porn site the other day.
- [184:07]
D
What?
- [184:08]
B
And it said, tired of masturbating the Internet porn. And I thought, no.
- [184:15]
E
What was it advertising?
- [184:17]
B
Like, there's sluts in your neighborhood you could fuck. You know? And I was like, check back with me in about 150 years. Yeah.
- [184:27]
D
And maybe then. Maybe then I will, in fact, be tired.
- [184:32]
E
I feel like it's the wrong target audience. Someone who's masturbating to Internet porn.
- [184:36]
B
That's all I was saying. I remember thinking, first off, definitely no. And you definitely caught me at the wrong time because you were like, I'll.
- [184:47]
D
Be tired of it in about eight minutes, and then I'll be ready for it again.
- [184:49]
E
They should catch you on, like, an automobile site.
- [184:52]
B
If you'd like to give me a buzz during my refractory period, I'm staring at pictures of my kids on the wall, then I think I'd have a little different answer. But at this point, you know what I mean? I was kind of like the guy who's walking in the store and the bum's like, you got any change? And I went, well, not now, but when I'm leaving, you know, potentially, maybe I could. Maybe I'll throw a couple quarters your way. But no.
- [185:17]
D
Okay.
- [185:17]
B
All right.
- [185:18]
D
What holidays? All right, do you want to guess? Do you have.
- [185:20]
B
Do you have any. No, I just want to just throw it out. I'm with you on the sur. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. Boo. I like the booze related stuff.
- [185:26]
D
Okay.
- [185:28]
E
21.8% drop in traffic on Christmas. That's when they have the least traffic.
- [185:33]
D
This kid in Santa.
- [185:34]
E
And then Thanksgiving and then July 4th. I mean, I think it's holidays where you're around people, other people.
- [185:41]
B
Also the empty stomach, the full belly. Jack is tough, you know, like, just doing that. Like, oh, man. You know, it's that. That's very difficult.
- [185:55]
E
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, also less traffic than normal.
- [185:59]
A
Interesting.
- [185:59]
E
6.2 and 5.2 respectively. But they see bumps in traffic on the largest bump is President's Day. I think it's because people have it off work. If they have it off work. Wait, do people have presidency off work? Yeah, it's about our holiday or students get it off. And also MLK Jr did day, but Veterans Day, Black Friday, St Patrick's Day, Columbus Day are all. They see a little bit of a spike on those days.
- [186:27]
D
What if they go for genre porn.
- [186:29]
B
Tribute the way he would have wanted it?
- [186:34]
D
Achieving the dream.
- [186:35]
E
It's a day off.
- [186:36]
B
Oh, it's just. It's just your home. Yeah.
- [186:38]
C
Yeah.
- [186:39]
E
I don't think it's because they're filled with the fire of equality.
- [186:46]
B
That's right. Yeah.
- [186:49]
E
I don't think they have a dream. I think it's just hours to fill.
- [186:52]
D
It's a fantasy.
- [186:53]
B
Right?
- [186:53]
D
It's a dream.
- [186:54]
B
Yeah. You're home, you have a computer. Sometimes other people who are normally home may not be home and you got some time to kill.
- [187:02]
D
Okay. Simple as that.
- [187:05]
B
Yeah. I think you too, wrote a song about that, didn't they?
- [187:08]
D
They did write a song called New Year's Day about the drop in porn on New Year's Day.
- [187:12]
B
Yeah. Shot rang out.
- [187:15]
D
Oh, yeah, that's right. In the name of love.
- [187:16]
B
Yeah. All right, so that's the. What is the number one. Do they tell you the number one? President's Day.
- [187:24]
E
All right, so if it's constantly buffering on President's Day, you know, why does that happen?
- [187:29]
B
The buffering?
- [187:30]
E
Yeah. Where your porn? No, Gary's shaking his head.
- [187:33]
D
Only on the Apple tv. I mean, what. I mean, what.
- [187:40]
B
All right, bring it home.
- [187:40]
E
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenzip it cunt.
- [187:45]
B
That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah. Prosper.com what if in 72 hours you could have 35 grand in your hand? What would you do? You'd pay off those credit cards, you start a business, do some home improvement. Prosper.com, peer to peer lending, connecting borrowers like you with investors. No outrageous fees, no raising interest rates. You'll never set foot in a bank. Just go to Prosper.com, adam. Check the rate instantly without affecting your credit score. And for a limited time, they're offering my listeners $50 Visa prepaid gift card when you get a loan. So go to Prosper.com Adam. That's Prosper.com Adam Dawson. Other restrictions apply. See site for details. Gift card is issued by Center State bank of Florida pursuant to less license from Visa USA Incorporated. All personal loans are made by Web bank, A Utah Chartered Industrial Bank.
- [188:35]
D
Member fdic.
- [188:36]
B
Equal Housing Lender. All right, US San Antonio. Still few tickets left. You can come out and see us at the Empire theater. And that's October 10th.
- [188:45]
D
We'll be the ones with barbecue stains.
- [188:46]
B
That's right, Al. So we'll be doing a little Mangria tasting over there at Specs Wine and Liquor. That'll be on the 10th at 6 o'. Clock, so come and say hi. Mangria events going on. Live podcast going on, Mangria specials going on. Go to corolladrinks.com and get the three pack with the free shipping. And until next time, I want to thank Mike August and Rich Eisen, Allison Rosen and Bald Brian. Oh, yeah, Eric Stonestreet. Does Adam Gorilla say it. Mahalo. You don't have something racist say, don't say it at all.
- [189:30]
A
All right, that is it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it.
- [189:47]
B
Sa.