Harland Williams + 'Book Of Mormon' Cast (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Harland Williams & 'Book of Mormon' Cast (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: August 1, 2025

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1. Tribute to Late Tom Quinn [04:53 - 06:15]

Adam Carolla opens the episode with a heartfelt tribute to Tom Quinn, a beloved cast member from the movie "The Hammer." Quinn passed away on January 5th at the age of 79. Adam reminisces about Quinn's dedication on set, sharing an anecdote where Quinn respectfully handled an unintended spit during filming without missing a beat.

Adam Carolla [04:31]: "Tom was a delight to work with...he just played it just right. He wasn't a bad guy. He just wanted to win and thought this would be the best way to win."

David Wilde adds his memories, highlighting Tom Quinn's professionalism and gentle demeanor despite his tough roles.

2. Reflections on Live Shows and Touring [06:35 - 09:35]

The conversation shifts to memories of attending Mark Gergos' Christmas party, showcasing the camaraderie among the show's frequent guests. Adam shares insights into the behind-the-scenes intricacies of live performances, emphasizing the unpredictability and the seamless blend of humor and storytelling.

Adam Carolla [08:40]: "We had red wine and we said, well, no, we don't know where to go because we can't see anything from where we're on a side street."

Brian Bishop and Harlan Williams contribute by discussing the challenges of coordinating live events and ensuring smooth transitions between segments.

3. The Tonight Show Invitation Saga [10:00 - 14:22]

Adam narrates an amusing yet nerve-wracking experience about receiving a last-minute invitation to appear on the Tonight Show. He humorously details the frantic preparations, including shaving and adjusting his appearance, only to realize that the invitation was a misunderstanding.

Adam Carolla [30:07]: "This isn't them going to the bench and getting Manny Mota to hit for the pitcher. This is a guy who can hit, has decided not to hit or turn his ankle..."

The segment underscores the unpredictable nature of live media appearances and Adam's laid-back approach to unexpected opportunities.

4. Personal Anecdotes and Family Insights [14:22 - 34:22]

The hosts delve into personal stories, sharing childhood memories and familial relationships. Adam reflects on his experiences growing up, highlighting moments that shaped his comedic perspective. The conversation touches upon parenting dynamics, especially the influence of fathers on daughters, and the complexities of blended families.

Adam Carolla [37:16]: "I'm going with daddy. That's why I said daddy."

Brian Bishop provides pragmatic advice for listeners dealing with familial financial dependencies, emphasizing strategies to maintain autonomy while supporting family members.

5. Navigating the Entertainment Industry [34:22 - 68:15]

The discussion transitions to the challenges of sustaining a career in entertainment. Adam shares experiences collaborating with Michael Bay, recounting intense shooting sessions for Nike commercials. Harland Williams elaborates on the rigorous audition processes for high-profile shows like "The Book of Mormon," detailing the demands and expectations from directors and producers.

Harlan Williams [87:05]: "He was like a douchebag with the teleprompter...but a resilient professional."

The segment offers listeners an insider's look into the high-pressure environment of Hollywood productions and the resilience required to thrive.

6. Product Promotions and Sponsorships [Throughout the Episode]

Interspersed within the conversations are promotional segments for various sponsors, including Breeze, Smoothie King, Grainger, LegalZoom, and DraftKings. These advertisements are seamlessly integrated into the dialogue, maintaining the show's signature blend of humor and endorsement.

Adam Carolla [02:08]: "Give your body the energy, protein, and power it needs with Smoothie King. Only at Smoothie King."

7. Addressing Social Issues and Personal Challenges [68:15 - 100:35]

The hosts engage in candid discussions about societal norms, legalizing marijuana, and personal struggles such as infidelity and custody battles. Mike shares his personal ordeal of suspecting his wife's infidelity, leading to a divorce and custody challenges. Adam offers empathetic yet blunt advice, emphasizing the importance of personal responsibility and the complexities of modern relationships.

Adam Carolla [147:42]: "They never actually do anything. If you have a computer and you're single and you're living in Chicago, I can no longer feel sorry for you."

Allison Rosen adds depth by highlighting President Obama's stance on marijuana legalization, fostering a conversation about the evolving perceptions of drug use and its implications on society.

Allison Rosen [178:26]: "He thinks marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol and views it as a vice not very different from cigarettes."

8. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events [100:35 - End]

The episode concludes with promotions for upcoming live shows, the release of "The Hammer" on video on demand, and a tribute to the co-creator of "Facts of Life," Ben Starr, who recently passed away. The hosts express their appreciation for the show's supporters and tease future episodes featuring more engaging content.

Adam Carolla [105:19]: "The Harlan Highway is available now on video on demand and in theaters January 17th... New episodes every Monday and Thursday on iTunes."

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Key Takeaways:

• Tribute to Tom Quinn: Emphasizes the importance of professionalism and dedication in the entertainment industry.
• Live Shows Insights: Highlights the complexities and unpredictability of live performances.
• Personal Stories: Offers a glimpse into the hosts' personal lives, fostering a connection with the audience.
• Industry Challenges: Provides an insider's perspective on maintaining a career in a high-pressure environment.
• Social Commentary: Engages in meaningful discussions about societal norms and personal challenges.
• Upcoming Promotions: Keeps listeners informed about future shows and product endorsements.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Quinn Tribute:

  "Tom was a delight to work with...he just played it just right."
  — Adam Carolla [04:31]

• Tonight Show Invitation:

  "This isn't them going to the bench and getting Manny Mota to hit for the pitcher."
  — Adam Carolla [30:07]

• Parental Influence:

  "Daughters, when it comes to the men, they don't look to Mama, they'll look to Daddy."
  — Adam Carolla [38:24]

• Overcoming Challenges:

  "They have to be super in control."
  — Harlan Williams [86:55]

• Social Issues on Marijuana:

  "President Obama believes marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol."
  — Allison Rosen [178:26]

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This summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, providing listeners with a comprehensive overview of the key discussions, personal anecdotes, and insightful commentary shared by Adam Carolla and his guests.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

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[Allison Rosen]

Searching for a Romantic summer getaway? Escape with Rich Girl Summer the new Audible original from Lily Chiu the exquisitely talented Philippa Sue. Returning to narrate her fifth Lily Chu title, this time Philippa is joined by.

[Adam Carolla]

Her real life husband, Steven pasquale.

[Allison Rosen]

Set in Toronto's wealthy cottage country, a.k.a. the Hamptons of Canada, Rich Girl Summer follows the story of Valerie, a down on her luck event planner posing as a socialite's long lost daughter while piecing together the secrets surrounding a mysterious family and falling deeper and deeper in love with the impossibly hard to read and.

[Adam Carolla]

Infuriatingly handsome family assistant, Nico. Caught between pretending to belong and unexpectedly.

[Allison Rosen]

Finding where she truly fits in, Valerie learns her summer is about to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Far more complicated than she ever planned.

[Allison Rosen]

She's in over her head and head over heels. Listen to Rich Girl Summer now on audible. Go to audible.com richgirlsommar Life is a.

[Adam Carolla]

Workout and Smoothie King is here to.

[Brian Bishop]

Help you power through.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether you're grinding out bicep curls or muscling the couch across the living room, crushing morning miles, or sprinting through back to back meetings, Smoothie King has fuel to help you maximize your workouts, own your recovery and elevate your game.

[David Wilde]

Give your body the energy, protein and.

[Adam Carolla]

Power it needs with a lineup of delicious smoothies made to help you conquer your goals. Only at Smoothie King, if you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself. From prep work to alignment and testing. It's your team's job to put it all together. That's why it's good to have Grainger on your side. With industrial grade products and next day delivery, Grainger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done. Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the.

[Brian Bishop]

Best moments and highlights from all 16.

[Adam Carolla]

Years of the Adam Crolla show.

[David Wilde]

We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a podcast one premium exclusive with ad free archives of every episode that airs each week. So Friday show, the Saturday show and the Sunday show, no ads.

[Brian Bishop]

All the way back to when myself.

[Adam Carolla]

And Chris were hooked.

[David Wilde]

If you'd like to get ad free.

[Brian Bishop]

Archives for the Adam Carolla show, The.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to Beat It Out Adam Cruel new podcast, make sure to.

[Brian Bishop]

Check out adam substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if.

[Adam Carolla]

You'D like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcrolo.com now on to the clips. Coming up first today we have Adam Koller show 1235. Great. Harlan Williams, David Wilde, Allison Rose and.

[David Wilde]

Brian Bishop from 2014. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on. Good day, Allison Rose, I'm Adam Carolla.

[Brian Bishop]

And bald Brian Benjamin Brodle wanted that on Twitter. How do I know? He used the hashtag.

[Adam Carolla]

David Wilde is in studio. Always glad to see him at Wild.

[David Wilde]

About Music president you, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, thank you so much and thank you guys so much for going on Amazon and pre ordering the book. You can see it move up and down the charts. It's a fun thing to do. Yay.

[Brian Bishop]

Strangely addictive.

[Adam Carolla]

Strangely addictive.

[Brian Bishop]

Go up or down to the word. But yeah, to watch it move along is probably a lot of experience.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally saw Brian's book go from like 294,000 to 3,500. Yeah, like it's an, it's an insane amount of movie that's probably represents two and a half books, but either way an achievement nonetheless.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks mom.

[David Wilde]

The greatest feeling I ever had was I did this book with the cast of Friends when it ended and Oprah had them on the next day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. And I watched it go.

[David Wilde]

It watched it go from whatever, 65 to 1 and stay there for, you know, hours.

[Adam Carolla]

That was good. Yeah. I could only, only imagine that's when.

[David Wilde]

Oprah was Oprah Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when people. By the way, we should all.

[Allison Rosen]

Who is she now?

[Adam Carolla]

We should all get to that part in life. There's two things we should all wish for our children. We should all wish that someone says their name twice. That's back when Sonny Carolla was Sonny Carolla. That means there was a Sonny Carolla. You'd never say that. That's when Jim Carolla was Jim Carolla. There never was a Jim Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

So you don't have to worry about that maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We should all hope for that. We should all hope for the point where they get some sort of award, like an Academy Award. But everyone mutters under their breath, oh, this is a lifetime achievement thing. It's just for his body of work. It's not that one movie he did. It's the hundreds of others that he's done.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a makeup call for a lifetime snubs.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. We should all hope for that and all hope for the part where he or she wins, like student body president or president, frat house or sorority house. And then somebody says with disdain, it's just a popularity contest. We should all hope for those three things for our children.

[David Wilde]

Can there be a fourth thing? Get me the new Adam Carolla. Get me the new Sonny Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that means the next. Yeah, we're looking for the next. All right. Couple things to get to that. I sort of. Stragglers from the holidays. Mark Gergos, our dear friend who comes on the show all the time and is. Exactly. He does not disappoint in his personal.

[Brian Bishop]

Life is Mark Aragos, on and off the air.

[Adam Carolla]

We went to his home. He smoked a huge cigar and drank red wine and showed me his garage. That's not Mark Gargos. He had a party. He had a Christmas party. His wife is very sweet. And lots of guys standing around a big house who do lots of stuff that they kind of understate. But you figure they do a lot of business, whatever they do.

[Brian Bishop]

I signed some contracts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Again, the code is I started a business and then I kind of retired when I was 38. And I traveled for a while, and then I got bored. And then I travel. I started another business.

[Brian Bishop]

Now I just helped some friends move some money around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sold that one. When you hear sold that one. The over, under, on sold that one is $41.2 million. And they sold that one. But anyway, we got this cool thing. Mark has a law partner who lives in Pasadena inside the, I don't know, Green Zone, where they stage up all the Floats for the Rose Parade. And his wife backstage for the Rose Parade. Right, right. They stage it up the night before. And then they go through starting early in the morning. They have these passes where if you can get your hand on one of these passes, that's gold. Because that you throw in the dash, your car, and then you can drive through the guys with the flashlights and the barriers and all that kind of stuff. Because what they do is they essentially close off a part of Pasadena. But obviously there's residents who live in that part of Pasadena. And thus they have to let those people through. But those people, you know, it ain't a Xerox doily that you stick to your windshield. It's a thing with a color watermark. A watermark on it and all that kind of stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a whole permit thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a whole permit thing. And Mark was just nice enough, his wife was just nice enough to have one or to get one. Some, you know, underground rich railroad guy for looking at things with seeds and husk and they couldn't slavery on that.

[David Wilde]

Underground railroad, but instead helped white people.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Sea floats.

[Adam Carolla]

They gave us one. And we had this thing where. So now what you have to do is you have to present it. You drive into the neighborhood, you do the here I am. And then you pull into this guy's house, and next thing you know, you're drinking wine with rich white guy number two. And he's showing you the old 20s architecture of his home. And you're doing all that, having a good time. But then at a certain point, it's time to go walk and see the floats that are all staged up. And here's where the minimum wage meets my gilded cage. Was told by the super friendly wife with the glass of wine, who, by the way, this is a woman after my own heart. She yelled at her husband, pour them some wine to go. Pour them some wine to go. You know, they need wine to go. You want some champagne? You want some red wine to go?

[Brian Bishop]

To go, like home or to go to see the floats.

[Adam Carolla]

Go see the floats.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say, but home as well.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like I was gonna fucking run a hose through myself before I got home. It would still be in me. But yeah, you're gonna go walk around for the next hour, have a libation. So here's why I love this chick. She yells at her husband, get him some cups to go. He goes in and grabs those red plastic solo cups. Solo cups, the ones that scream alcohol.

[Brian Bishop]

The beer pong cups.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

The flip cups.

[Adam Carolla]

She Yells at him. Not those cups. Idiots. They'll know they're drinking. Get the coffee cups. Get the paper coffee cup. I'll put the lid on.

[Allison Rosen]

What kind of amateur is he?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I just thought, like, she was a.

[Brian Bishop]

Tailgater in a former life.

[Adam Carolla]

I just love the fact that she yelled at him and demanded that he'd go back into the pantry and get the cups that don't scream, I'm transporting booze on your sidewalk. So there we did. We got our red wine and we said, well, no, we don't know where to go because we can't see anything from where we're on a side street. I don't know which direction to head where the floats are staged up. I don't know the neighborhood. It's dark. It's getting on now. It's probably about 11:30 at night. Kids are getting a little tired. They're not used to staying up this late. We're going to make it till midnight and see the floats and all that. And she says, you go right down the driveway. You hook a right, you just walk 30, 40ft. First street, you see, go left and that First street will take you right through to the main boulevard where they're all staged up. Now, once you get to the main boulevard, you make a right, you go down that way. They're all down there. Block or two more, you'll see them all staged up. Fine, get the kids, get the sippy cups, Start making our pilgrimage. Come to the first street, make a left. Get to the $9 an hour cunt who's standing there in the fucking yellow windbreaker. And I don't know why. They're all the same. They're all sort of 22, a little bit Hispanic, and hair's kind of fucked up. And they don't really know how to talk to people. And they sound a little like Rosie Perez. And they're like, where are you going? You're not supposed to be here. And then they go. They do this. But now it's just the point where you just. I routinely just lie to people, and so does my wife. She says, you can only go through the barricade if you live on the street. And we both just pause and sort of look at each other, and we go, yeah, we live on the street. And she goes, you can't come through. And we're like, we live on the street. No, no, more pedestrian traffic. And we're just, like, standing there holding the hands of the kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you calling your bluff?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the fuck she was doing. We've surrounded ourselves with fucking retarded people get $9 an hour to fuck our shit up royally. So. But because this is the way it always works, we then look at her and go, well, what do you want us to do? Well, you can't come through. It's not. You know, they never. There's two things they don't do. She wasn't mean. She was just like, no. You know, and they never do a. You know, go down to the next one, hang a left. You can probably. It's just like, no. And I think they'd be fine if you just stood there and froze to death or you and your kids just sat there and defecated on yourself. Like, they. They don't have a plan B for you other than just shove off. They don't really have anything they'd like you to do just other than to leave. In which case we got the kids and we walked quarter mile the wrong direction to the very next street where the same sort of flunkies were standing around. Except for this time, we just walked right past them. Because that's the other thing. There's zero consistency on the flunkies to do their jobs. And then we walk through and now we're a quarter mile further away than we needed to be. And then we turn right and walk backtrack and. And then we went and saw the stuff. And then when we walked back, we just walked past another street and walk back. It's just totally random, sort of. Eh, but what the fuck is up with everyone? And I know. Stop it with the. Well, she's just doing her job. Who gives a shit? First off, who gives a fuck if you get fired from a job that takes place once a year for $9 an hour? Number one. Where you guard husk and seeds. Good morning team in the Midwest. But number two, we've all had those jobs. And the way it used to go is you'd look at the people. They didn't look like the new face of Al Qaeda. They were a husband and wife team with a couple of young twins. And you just went like. You know what I'm saying? Just walk over there. It's sort of a cop saying instead of. It's a cop. Instead of writing you a ticket when you're drinking a beer on the beach, just goes, just dump it out or finish it off and throw them. Yeah, just. It's just a walk. Just kind of. I'm gonna look over here. Scud. Just go ahead. Not Doing anything. Obviously we're not up to anything. Maybe we do live on that street. Passes in the fucking car. We don't know either way. That was just our nice little. Just go walk a quarter. Here's the deal. It's basically, it's a metaphor for life, which is, I'll tell you what. Person who pays for everything. You and your family, just go walk a quarter mile that way, turn right, walk up half mile and then turn back and walk another quarter mile this way. And then you can stare at my fat ass. You who pay for everything, guy.

[David Wilde]

Well, doesn't it come down to fucked up Rosie Perez. This is her only chance in life to tell you what to do.

[Adam Carolla]

There's that element. I kind of wish and hope that that isn't what it is because that's an uncomfortable position to be in, not an envious position to be in. You're not supposed to enjoy that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

But maybe more and more people do feel downtrodden.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe do, oh, fucking kill yourselves, people. Anyway, seeing the rose braid is sort of like for me, it's more about the people that are camping out, you know what I mean? They got the generator going and the inflatable mattress and the burning stuff. That is a real strange lie.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the love of?

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's tradition. I think it's like maybe their parents did it when they were kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, let me give you a couple things. First off, the inside of your house can't be that much better than the outside. In life is a workout and Smoothie King is here to help you power through. Whether you're crushing morning miles or sprinting.

[Brian Bishop]

Through back to back meetings.

[Adam Carolla]

Give your body the energy, protein and power it needs to help you conquer your goals. Only at Smoothie King in general, like, if you got a serious thread count going on your down comforter and some wall to wall carpeting and a 60 inch flat panel, you tend not to want to go camp on other people's lawns as much. There's a strong. When I lived on basically an army cot inside a garage with no heat and no air and one shitty rayon blanket, I was always up for, we're going to go down to Tijuana and just camp on the beach. I was like, that is a lateral move from where I am right now. So I was always up for that. Ever since I got a nice bed and a nice TV and some central air, I've had to really plan my camping trips out very accordingly, you know what I mean? Like, I've become a Camping snob. So there's an element of. I don't think these people are going back to Candy Spelling's place on Wilshire.

[Allison Rosen]

You feel like they have a separate room for wrapping paper.

[David Wilde]

Candy has downsized.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. God. Did I talk to a guy who worked on that place?

[David Wilde]

The Candy Spelling place. The gift rooms or gift rooms, I think it was. Sorry, the gift wrapping rooms.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the guys at Garagos Place did big time millwork. Like, if you ever talk to some of those guys and you go, what are you working on? They go, we got a project. We're doing a residential place in China. Oh, really? China? Jesus Christ. That's. It's a little bit out there. It's 55,000 square feet. And you go, yeah, yeah. We're doing all the AV stuff. And you're like, oh, my God, 55. And we're doing all the millwork. You know, all the fluted this and all the paneling and all the raised paneling and all the Wayne's coating and all the, you know. Yeah. 55,000 square feet. They're like, first off, at a certain point, doesn't something get too big? You know what I mean? Like, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Too big to enjoy?

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I think I would rather live in 50,000. 50. I'd rather live in 55,000 square feet than 500 in 5 square feet. But I think I'd rather live in 5,000 square feet than 55,000. Like, right, I needed a fucking golf cart to get to the kitchen. Or I never knew where anyone was, or it was just. Or I'd find gypsies in the entry hall and wouldn't even know they were there.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, like, vacuuming would be a real bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There is some point.

[Brian Bishop]

Swiffering. Forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say depending on whether you have kids or not or whatever, maybe it's 6,500 square feet. Where once you get past that, you hear about these guys with 22,000 square feet, which just seems like a pain in the ass. Anyway. The Tori or the Candy Spelling thing. The guy was doing all the millwork for her.

[Brian Bishop]

Lisa's local.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, what was it like working for her? And hey, didn't ask.

[Allison Rosen]

She seems like she'd be so lovely, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Has like a 3,000 square foot closet. Just that kind of stuff. But here's the thing. Is she. Well, not you, Alison. You're miserable. But is she any happier than you, David Wilde?

[David Wilde]

I don't think she's a happy person. I don't know her.

[Adam Carolla]

You know she's happier.

[David Wilde]

I knew Aaron pretty fairly well, right? He was great, easygoing guy. But he was that rich guy who just always told you how much he loved his wife. Which made you think, I'm scared of that wife. Like, why is this guy telling me how great his wife is? You gotta watch out for the really rich guy who seems pussy whipped. So I'm always like, you conquered the world, you own the world.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Wilde]

Why do you have such a need to tell the world how great?

[Adam Carolla]

You have such love of the boat. Why the wife? The only reason to do the 3,000 square foot closet is to show off your 3,000 square foot square foot closet to people.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, come see the closet.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the move I'd like to do? I like to buy like a 3,500 square foot house but make 3,000ft of it closet just to show off to everybody. And then everyone would think you were rich because they go, he's got a 3,000 square foot closet. And they go, no, but he drives a tourist. He's got a 3,000 square foot closet. I'd make the whole thing into a closet. It'd be awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

Show of wealth.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Much to talk about. Harlan Williams is going to be in here. Have a little sad news to report on the eve of something sort of interesting. First, I'll give you some good news. Lifelock baby identity thieves. They're shrewd. They're candy Spelling esque shrewd. They'll target your 3,000 square foot closet and come right after it. Savings accounts, cash retirement. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's like you can't even trust the nurse at your doctor's office. A New York resident has been sentenced to to time in jail for his role in a scheme in which scores of identities were stolen from a doctor's office. And the former nurse who worked for the medical group was charged. It's alleged that she used her position to steal a bunch of patient files. And then the whole thing totaled about $675,000 in losses.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

All right. So interesting and sad at the same time. As you know, Ileana Douglas is doing this deal. It's the Second look deal, and it's this Friday. Ah, yes. Up on the screen. It's over at Cinefamily and she's asked to show the Hammer. And I thought, oh, that's fun. Because hasn't been shown anywhere in at least seven years theatrically on tv.

[David Wilde]

It's been shown in the Wild Home often.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much. It does not show up on cable very often, or at least at all.

[David Wilde]

The Weinstein Company's working hard to sort of change that. Believe me, they're earning their money.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, it'd be exciting to go out there. I still think we have a couple tickets left and I'll come out and do a little ditty and we'll show the movie in the theater. It's always more enjoyable in the. And then I found out that Tom Quinn, who plays the coach in the movie, passed away. I think it was Sunday or. Yes, he was the trainer.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I'm sorry, it's on your thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the fifth. Oh, sorry. He passed away January 5th.

[Brian Bishop]

Trainer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he was Coach Bell. He passed away on the 5th and he made it to. Well, coming up on 80 79, I think, is what he made it to. Good guy. Had an interesting. I think Kevin Hench, who I wrote the movie with, just sort of knew of him. I'm trying to think of. I'm looking at his IMDb and he did a lot of interesting stuff. He was really good. And the thing that was good about him is he used to be a boxing trainer. So he. I remember shooting the movie with him. He'd just be. He'd come to the corner and he'd reach into your mouth and grab your mouth guard out of your mouth with his bare hand and just wipe you down. There was a scene where I was talking to him and I spit in his face. And he didn't. It wasn't in the script where I was supposed to spit in his face. I just had my mouth guard in. I just got done throwing up. So I was like, I'm all right. And it just. Spit got in his face. And without, like, I don't know, a lot of actors would have kind of went like, hey, whoa. Or what's up? He just casually took his hand, he blotted his own face with it and then handed it back to me. But he would grab your mouthpiece, wipe you down, like he didn't mind the sweat and the germs and all that kind of stuff. By the way, nobody's exposed to more sweat, blood and germs than boxing trainers. And I guarantee they never get the sniffles. And they never die in their 40s either. They always make it until at least 79, like Tom. And I think it's all the exposure to all that stuff that kind of makes their immune system better.

[David Wilde]

Also, prostitutes tend to live to 80 or 90.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Unless I start stacking them like cords of wood in the trunk of my Nova. Either way, Tom passed away. Tom was a delight to work with. Really easy guy and I thought did a great job in the script. I always believed him as coach Eddie Bell. I liked that he wouldn't. He played it just right. He wasn't a bad guy. He just wanted to win and thought this would be the best way to win.

[Brian Bishop]

Complicated character. He played him well. The twist that happens with his character maybe 2/3 of the way through, you don't really see it coming. And when it comes, it feels very justified for his character, it's like, alright, well, that wasn't out of nowhere. That was just what his character did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he played it. He wasn't being evil for the sake of being evil. He had sort of an agenda. But he. But he. But he played it, played it well. And I thought it'd be fun just to play a little scene of the great Tom Quinn from the Hammer that you guys could remember him by. Who here knows how many gold medals the United States boxing team has won in the last two Olympics combined?

[Harlan Williams]

One.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Uno. Cuba has won nine. Kazakhstan has won three. I don't even know where that is. France has won as many gold medals as the United States in the last two Olympics. France, for Christ's sake. Today we're going to find out if anyone here might have what it takes to Change that in 2008. Let's get started. Yeah, Tom Quinn, good guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Got about that scene.

[Adam Carolla]

Good guy, good storyteller. Just a fun old, totally believable.

[David Wilde]

It seems like he is that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I kind of. The easiest way, whether you want a boxing coach, a drill instructor, a boxer, or what have you to get that guy is go get that guy. We make acting. We make acting. To be a lot more complicated than it is. Not that hard for boxers to act like boxers and not that hard for boxing coaches or former boxing coaches who turn to acting to act that way. And he was a very good example of that. So he will be missed. The great Tom Quinn. All right. And remind me, or somebody can remind me when they come out on Friday night to ask me or Hench how we ran down Tom Quinn. It's an interesting story. I think Hench knew his son.

[Brian Bishop]

Were you guys aware of him? Or is it like, you gotta get Tom Quinn. I mean, he was. He's a character actor. That's why I ask.

[Adam Carolla]

Hench is the kind of guy who would see an episode of csi.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, he was in the Wire, too.

[Adam Carolla]

From the Wire, like five years ago. And this go. Because there's a brain like a steel fucking trap. And go. There's a guy who's in the wire five years ago would be perfect for this. And he'll always be perfect for it. And he'll remember the guy's name even if it wasn't said in the episode. He will have seen it on the credits and will have memorized it, which is totally insane. All right, let's see us. Chicago, park west, fun venue. And we're going to do some live shows. That's January 31st. Buffalo Main Stage Theater, Saturday the 1st. So same weekend. And then coming down the road, Las Vegas, Treasure Island, Joe Coy, everybody and me. Detroit, Motor city casino. Thursday, January 30th. So you get us. You get us on the road and you go to the website and check that out if you want to find out the dates when we're coming to a town near you.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never been to Chicago, so I'm especially.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Be my first time. And I think it might be freezing.

[Brian Bishop]

You may end up spending a few days there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the greatest town.

[David Wilde]

And that's a great venue.

[Adam Carolla]

Park west is a good. It's like a rock and roll venue. I've played it there many times. And it's always, always a good time. All right. I had a weird morning this morning. I got up late. Ish. This morning. I just sort of. Just my schedules. I go to bed about midnight. I get up about 8am that's my thing. And if I don't have anything to do early, I just let myself go because I'll be working this weekend and I'll be setting my. I set my alarm enough. If I don't have to set my alarm. I had to Come in here. And we did some podcasting today, but once in a while, I'll wake up at 9:20 and kind of go like, whoa, where'd that come from? I thought I'd. I'll wake up on my own at 8 or 8:10. But this morning was a 9:20 wake up. And I got to my cell phone and had a bunch of messages waiting for me on it. Tonight show tonight. I need you on the Tonight show tonight. And then had an email from Ross over the Tonight show at like 6:35am and I sort of did that move where I'm like, all right, so far no one's heard from me. Now I can go in. That's going to involve shaving and shuffling some things around and moving some things and. But I want to do it. I mean, I like the Tonight show and they're going off the air. I mean, the Jay Leno parts going.

[Allison Rosen]

Off the air should do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I should. This guy Jay's been very, very kind to me over the years and did my Paul Newman racing doc and all that kind of stuff. And I sort of was going, hmm. And then they said, Mark Wahlberg's doing it. And I like Mark Wahlberg and I've hung out with him a little bit and I thought, oh, that'll be good. I'll go over there and I'll chum it up with Mark.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm Survivor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe Pete Berg will be around or something. I'm friendly with him and I'll get him to come on the podcast or what have you. And I had a funny conversation with my buddy Ray about it because I said, ah. I said, well, they call if somebody drops out or something like that. And he said, oh, pinch hitter. And I said, no, no, this is sloppy seconds. This isn't them going to the bench and getting Manny Mota to hit for the pitcher. This is a guy who can hit, has decided not to hit or turn his ankle, and they're going to the bench.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You're on the practice squad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Bullpen catcher. That's right. So, I mean, I don't flatter myself. They don't want me to be on the show. They wanted the person they wanted to be on the show, but they couldn't get that person or that person dropped out.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, not to shit on your shitting on yourself point, but they go to someone they know who can bring it, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they do the who can bring it in. You know, the show's 11 hours from now. Who's gonna do it without a Bunch of prep who Jay's comfortable with. There's pro shortish list of people they know they can get to come there and have a good rapport.

[David Wilde]

Isadora said no, and you were the next caller.

[Adam Carolla]

It's P. Isadora.

[David Wilde]

This is an old yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So I sat there and I went, mark Wahlberg. All right, let's do it. So I said, I'm in. And then I went and did a couple of podcasts.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you say it to yourself or did you say it to someone at the Tonight Show?

[Adam Carolla]

I said it to the heavens. No. I answered back, yes, I'm in. And that was about 10am and then I did a couple of podcasts. I walked down, checked my phone at noon. I said, we're good.

[Allison Rosen]

So at least you didn't shave.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we can. I know. Now, here's the funny thing.

[Brian Bishop]

David Schwimmer changed his mind.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing an interview. Well, it'll be interesting to see who's on. We know Wahlberg's on. It was funny, and this guy's gonna think I'm a total dick. But I was doing a radio interview. So now I found this out in the morning, and now my head's kind of going to. All right, I gotta come here and do some podcasting. Then. Should I bring a suit? Should I shave now? Am I gonna go straight there? I gotta do a pre interview. It's not till 4 o'. Clock. And then what? I was doing interview with a guy, I think Chicago, and at a certain point I said to him, hey, listen, I just found out I was doing the Tonight show tonight. And he was like, whoa, that's, you know, from a guy in Chicago. I said, that's cool. I said, yeah, they, you know, last minute, somebody dropped out. They're bringing me on. Well, there you go. I said, but unfortunately, I gotta cut it off here because I gotta go do the Tonight show tonight. And he's like, well, that's a lot better than doing my little radio show, I'll tell you that right now. Now he's gonna watch the Tonight show tonight and see Schwimmer on there.

[Brian Bishop]

What the.

[Allison Rosen]

What a good excuse, though, if you never have to talk to the person again.

[Adam Carolla]

It's one that's easily checked on, though. It's the problem of saying, I'm gonna be on the Tonight show tonight. It's much easier to say, oh, my mom just slipped in the kitchen, which is harder to verify.

[Allison Rosen]

My friend's mom said the best excuse to get out of any social anything is diarrhea. It's one you don't go to often.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just gonna say, if I were a woman, I would never stop with the feminine stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I feel like naturally, that's how I am.

[David Wilde]

I find what you went through.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying, what you went.

[David Wilde]

Through today, I experienced things like that. And I find them. They take you from zero. They actually depress you afterwards. Like I had. I've gotten someone call me some other, like, actor and say, Leonardo Capra is gonna call you to write a speech for him. And then they don't call.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Wilde]

And then you feel like a loss. Yeah, it just was. It's never. Never happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you go from I don't know if I'm up for writing a speech for Leonardo to what? He doesn't want me to write a speech. Like, I went from the Tonight Show. I gotta shave, gotta lose eight pounds in the next four hours.

[Brian Bishop]

You went from put out to suit.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta put my suit to hoo hoo. They get.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I heard they got some radio DJ from Chicago.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like we could figure that one out pretty quick. Right. Because the show's already taped, so we could definitely get to the bottom of that one.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst for me is when someone's like, would you be interested in this? Da, da, da. And then you kind of waver a little bit, but ultimately you. Well, actually, that's what you did, Adam. Then ultimately you say yes, and then it goes away. And then I always wonder, was it because I wasn't enthusiastic enough?

[Adam Carolla]

This couldn't have been that I got the call, or at least they knew it at 6. So between 6, 30 and 10, 10, 9, 45, 10 o'. Clock. That was crunch time. Kathryn Han, Katherine Hahn, the character actress.

[David Wilde]

Who'S in like We Are the Millers and Anchorman two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, she was in Anchorman one. I can only assume she's an anchorman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. She's in Anchorman 2.

[Brian Bishop]

In her defense, she is very, very funny. She's in a top one or two.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. The.

[Allison Rosen]

No wonder they went with her.

[Adam Carolla]

The. I got. Well, they will usually do a. They'll do guy guy dude rather than dude dude. If they have a. They'll mix it up, like guy gal. I'll give you an example. You never see, like, Eddie Murphy and Tracy on the same. On the same. Like, they won't do two black dudes or black dude, black guy, black chick. Like, if you think about it, it's weird, but that's kind of how they Work like they'll mix it up mostly. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

You and Wahlberg, it would be two guys known for having big penises.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It wouldn't be what do we need? And by the way, could we both fit in the same hall at the same time? Anyway, so that's who they got. But the crunch time between 6:30 in the morning when they knew it and 10:00am when I. They're frantically that entire time going over people. And then what they'll do is they'll say no to. Oh, I don't know. They probably said no to 10 people. I have no idea. I could find out and I will one day. Either way, I'm delighted that my son came home today and said that he was asked to write a report on somebody, somebody famous. And he said to his teacher, well, my dad's famous. Can I write a report on my dad?

[Brian Bishop]

He knows Uncle Jimmy.

[Adam Carolla]

He said, my dad and. Or Uncle Jimmy. And she said, yes, go ahead. And he said, okay, I want to write one on my dad. Oh, I just had two thoughts, one thought. So I said, is that painful? Don't react. I said, don't. Normally there's not enough room. I said, one just came out. Silent but deadly thought. I said, well, don't write it on me. Write it on Uncle Jimmy. That seems dumb to write it on me. You can go, I'll bring you to his office. You can, you know, blah, blah, blah. But then I sort of. Now the thought that just jumped in my head is I'd like to see what that guy's going to write. But it would be a fun thing to look at down the road. Writing a report on Daddy. What would your guys, if you were 7, what do you think your report on your daddy would be?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think on a famous person or my dad.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going with daddy. That's why I said daddy.

[Brian Bishop]

I have, I mean, I don't know, I probably would have chosen a baseball player for someone famous. My dad. I would, I mean, I would just been. My dad was born in and would just, you know, gone from there. Seven years old. Wouldn't have been too.

[Adam Carolla]

Would have been kind of.

[Brian Bishop]

It would have been a lot of depth. My dad was born in. He was, you know, the fifth child or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you think of him? I mean, did you think of him as a big guy or strong guy? I mean, obviously you're gonna. It's your dad. You. I guess so. What would you have said? Would you guys.

[David Wilde]

I wrote something about my dad. I remember when I Was, I think, around that age, which was. I remember saying, my dad is tall. He was, I think, five, seven, five, six, maybe. And I said, he looks like Jim Fergosi, who was a baseball player. And there was a baseball card that looked like my dad. I remember saying that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

And I think I wrote heroic things because he was a great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, Alison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think it would have been. I'm trying to remember what I thought of my dad at seven, you know.

[David Wilde]

Like, you don't think he was Jewish at 7?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a doctor.

[Allison Rosen]

But yeah, like Brian. I would have had biographical stuff. And then, you know, I would have said, I think he's nice and he's funny and he, like, you know, I would have mentioned his hobbies.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he as dapper? Lying to his kids about their faith? Was he as dapper back then?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't think I. I don't think he was. But I also don't think I had a sense of dapper. Like, I don't. I didn't even have a sense of who my parents looked like or what they looked like. I would have. I don't know if you guys can relate to this. I would have these moments where I would be like, that person right there is my mom. Like, that's weird. It's someone I'm so familiar with, but she also exists in the world at large.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have that. But keep in mind, I had Ray to come over and say stuff like, why does your mom shave her armpits? It's weird. Why is your mom so fat? It's weird. You guys should mow the lawn every once in a while. You know, your house looks like a barn.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember when I was seven, I thought my parents were really old. And thinking back now, when I was 7, they were 28 and 31.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

So just your perspective, you know. You think your dad's tall. He's five foot seven.

[Adam Carolla]

I told my mom.

[David Wilde]

She sang like Joni Mitchell when I was 7, and she still quotes it back to me. By the way, Adam, I just heard from Sonny. He's actually writing about Kathryn Hahn, and he wants a quote for the piece.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

Law firm but can connect you with a third party attorney and provide you with self help services for special savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Please don't let another month go by before you take care of these things for your family in business. From wills to business formation, trademark applications, powers of attorney and even bankruptcy help. Go to legalzoom.com all right, I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

This would be fun. I don't know why, but I took my kids like I said, I started juicing. That was my New Year's is to appreciate things and to juice. But shortly after my first popped the hymen on my juicer, I decided it was time to go to Carney's for a chili dog with my kids.

[Brian Bishop]

Which you did not.

[Adam Carolla]

Juice did not. So I was doing this move. First thing we do is we go to the hot dog train, as they call it, where they have the hot dogs and the hamburgers in the train and then we take it to the nearby park which is the same park that I used to play Pop Warner football at. Beeman. Beeman Park, Yes. I started when I was Sunny's age at 7. I was played for the East Valley Trojans there for about five years and I ended up with the Sun Valley Falcons. And then it was high school time after that.

[Brian Bishop]

You bounced around your contacts too big to take on for some teams under the salary cap.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had a weird little sad little revelation as I was walking through Beeman park, which is not in a bad neighborhood at all, but it was my old park. Sort of weird. Passing by the first bathroom where they gave us our uniforms at age 7 and told us to go get dressed. Coming out with my girdle on backwards, my cup over my head and stuff. Football uniform. Complicated for a seven year old but.

[Brian Bishop]

And not obvious either. You look at a lot of things. You're like where does that pad go?

[Adam Carolla]

I had shaped like a puzzle piece. I had a great, I don't know, one of those moments that seems funnier than it was but sticks out in your mind. Walked into the bathroom at Beeman park probably when I was about nine again, sort of East Valley Trojan getting dressed or something. Opened the door and some guy was on the pot and just destroyed it. And I walked. Something that struck me so incredibly funny when I was nine. Walked in the door with probably one of my buddies, opened the door and did that. Oh my God, like the guy was sitting on the pot, you know. And as kids, you know, you don't go like, politely hold your nose and walk back. We're like, woo, oh, oh my God, it's so bad, it's so bad. You know. And the kid with the other kid was like, oh, it's so bad. And all after a few beats of it, it's horrible. Oh my God, the smell. After a couple of beats and a pause from the commode, from the stall came just the voice of what sounded like a weary trucker. Just go, you don't have to broadcast it. I remember just thinking that was hysterical. When I was nine. The thing that I thought was, little.

[David Wilde]

Did he know you would be a broadcaster.

[Adam Carolla]

Little did he know. The thing I found that was sort of sad is when I was there, back as a little kid, there was no Pepsi machine. And then at a certain point there was a Pepsi machine. And as I was leaving, I noticed there was a Pepsi machine in a steel cage. And I thought, this is not a good way to go. Like when you start taking things, when you can no longer leave things in sort of common places, you know, because they'll be destroyed, vandalized, broke into, you know, it's sort of when you're starting to put the alarms on the, on the shavers and the cartridges and the deodorant. It's not a good. For me, like the great Gavin Newsom, I like to work small to big. I look at the little indicators of life, the barbed wire around the freeway signs, the alarm that goes off when.

[Allison Rosen]

You get your deodorant in the hotel, when the remote control is like wired to something. Yeah, maybe this isn't a crate by a chain trusts you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Maybe this isn't a great neighborhood, great hotel. It's the equivalent to the super bad shopping market that has the piece of electrical conduit that has been duct taped onto the shopping cart so you can't get it out the front door. Because if you do get it out the front door, it's going to end up in the wash. Not a good sign. But the idea that vending machines are in cages now because they cannot be left alone because somebody will come up and either defile them or put their boot through them. As a sad testimonial, it is we.

[David Wilde]

Who are in the cages.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, ooh, the gilded one. Powerful.

[Brian Bishop]

Or when said Public bathroom decides to go from mirrors to that kind of reflective metal.

[Adam Carolla]

And even the reflective metal gets all scratched up.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's gonna get scratched up either way. But when it goes, you can't quite. Maybe it's a better thing. We can't quite make out what's in the reflection.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought, you know how I talk all the time of how we're caught in this sort of in between. Like I. About the moon in New York City. Uh huh. Chris Cross.

[David Wilde]

Christopher Cross.

[Adam Carolla]

Christopher Cross. Yeah, well I call him Chris. When I say like cgi, it still looks kind of drawn in. Like you see a lot of these space movies. It looks a little plastic. Plastic surgery now, you know, 20 years ago it didn't really exist. 20 years from now it will be perfected. But we're sort of caught. The voice activated stuff. I tried to call 411 because I tried to call Carney's and like order the stuff on the way in and I thought I'd just try it out because I realized I get no. My. This whole promise of simply speak in your phone and tell them meets with nothing. And eventually UConn 412, put me through the carnies, please. It meets with. Five minutes later I get an operator on the phone.

[Allison Rosen]

Agent, Agent.

[Adam Carolla]

I could have gotten it anyway.

[David Wilde]

All right, so I'm supposed to say Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to try this and see what happens. Let's see if this works.

[Brian Bishop]

You're calling 401 right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I'm going to see if it works.

[Mike]

AT&T411 info. Say a city and state like Dallas, Texas. Or you can say other services.

[Adam Carolla]

Studio City, California.

[Mike]

Say just the business name or for a residential listing, say the word residence.

[Adam Carolla]

Carney's.

[Mike]

Carney's Restaurant. Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Mike]

My mistake. See just the name of the business or see the type of business.

[Adam Carolla]

Carney's Hot Dogs.

[Mike]

Carney's Gourmet Hamburger. Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't think they're gourmet. Yes.

[Mike]

All right. Please hold for an operator.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so now I have to. Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought Carney's Restaurant was right. Is that what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe the first. Well, maybe that was. You got checked because I tried another Carney's. I tried it in the thing and they had another Carney's Restaurant. We can see if it's Carny's Hot Dogs and Hamburgers. When I was trying to do it on my ride over with Barney's. And then it was something else and Then it was, I don't know, the gourmet hamburgers, maybe, but this place is hot dogs.

[David Wilde]

I think it's gourmet hamburgers. I do think that that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[David Wilde]

Even though everyone knows it as a hot dog place? I think that might be right.

[Adam Carolla]

So the first Carnage restaurant is not right.

[David Wilde]

I think they're both right. I bet you those are both right. They might be listed under two things. I think those would both be right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, they're both right. And turns out I'm wrong. And it takes a big man to admit that he's wrong. I knew it would work in studio.

[Brian Bishop]

It didn't work in my guitar, and it didn't work.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam did.

[David Wilde]

So you don't talk to Siri?

[Allison Rosen]

I was wondering if Siri could handle it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know Siri. Now I'm freaked out with that movie.

[David Wilde]

Have you seen her? Oh, it's great.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear it's good. And I don't want to get into a relationship like that kind of relationship. Hey, Peter.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? I don't have Siri on my phone, by the way. I have an old phone. Peter. Yeah, yeah. Hello, 32, Fresno, Fresno. Hello, Siri. Hello, Carney's.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Mike]

Oh, nothing. Hey, fucking longtime listener. First time caller.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, buddy. Fucking big time talker. Yeah.

[Mike]

Hey, I just had a question. What are the chances of you coming back to radio?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. No one's ever approached me about coming back to radio once. Although I stopped having these conversations with those ass wipes over at Sirius and xm. But. But every once in a. They used to, once a year, want to have a serious conversation to judge my interest in being on Sirius and SiriusXM. They wanted to gauge my interest. And I would always say, what's the pay? And they'd say, oh, we don't have any money, but we just want to gauge your interest. And I would say, what if I just opened a phone book and just wanted to talk to roofers, I want to gauge your interest on redoing my roof. And they'd go, well, how much Are we talking about a square? No, no, no, no. Let's not get mired money here.

[Brian Bishop]

How much do you want to come?

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to gauge your interest. Anyway, I should fucking sue Sirius and Sirius XM for wasting half of my adult life having retarded conversations about nothing. But other than those cheap dicks, I've not had a conversation with anybody about doing radio.

[David Wilde]

Well, ironically, do you think they do that every time they think, well, Howard Stern might leave and you. History could repeat itself.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe they do. I have no idea. I've had conversations with them since the beginning. They never seem to have any money. And they always want to gauge my interest. And they always do the thing at Sirius and Sirius xm, where they go, well, how about the freedom of saying whatever you want? And I would say to them this, fuck off. How about that? Wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

See?

[Adam Carolla]

Feels good. You're right. I'd rather just have my own pirate ship.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was getting paid as a writer already, I would get people who wanted to see if I wanted to write. Well, you probably know this David Wilde wanted to write something for free. But you can write whatever you want. That's not a problem I'm having currently.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Everyone in prison can write whatever they want for free. Right. So if somebody would like to make me an offer, I'm all ears. I would probably say no, but I'm all ears. But it hasn't really come about in a good three years. And we got the pirate ship, and you guys are doing a great job with it, so we don't need it. And that's the beauty of us.

[Mike]

Peter, I had one more question, too. You remember when you were doing a radio show, you had a guest on Prisoner David.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mike]

Locked up in prison. Yeah. Have you ever heard. Have you ever heard anything from him? This recorded call is from an inmate.

[Adam Carolla]

At a California correctional facility. Yeah. Prisoner David used to call in. He was as good as many of the comedians we would have on the show.

[Brian Bishop]

Better than some.

[Adam Carolla]

Better than some. But to be prepared. Be prepared. Yeah. He would have all week to prepare and prepare.

[David Wilde]

He had a captive audience.

[Adam Carolla]

And he had a captive audience. He would come in and do carry, would call and do characters.

[Brian Bishop]

But Alison knew who we're talking about. He was an actual inmate at San Quentin. Right. We never quite determined. But he's an inmate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you laughing with him, or at least him?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

He had a great sense of humor. He would call in on once a week.

[David Wilde]

He killed that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Killed.

[David Wilde]

Which is why he was out.

[Adam Carolla]

They would have this recording. Don't play it yet, but it'd be like, you gotta wonder if Jimmy Stewart ever met Daffy Duck. I bet it would sound a little.

[Mike]

Is from an inmate.

[Brian Bishop]

California Correction.

[Adam Carolla]

His timing would get thrown off just a little bit, because that would come on all. All the time. And that's how you knew. I guess it's for. Here's what it is. I think it's I think there's a lot of this going on. And Brian, you be prepared. I think the reason they started this is because there used to be a lot of. Alison, you be housewife, you be stay at home mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Am I attractive?

[Adam Carolla]

Hello? Hi, my name is Ted. I'm calling from a Visa.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's been a problem with your account. Oh no, it looks like it's been hacked into recording call from an inmate at a California. Correct. Go ahead and ignore that. I'm gonna need your access number, date of birth and mother's maiden name, please.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry, who is this?

[Adam Carolla]

My name is Ted. I'm with Visa, the credit card company. There's been some suspicious. Hmm.

[Allison Rosen]

You heard that, right?

[Mike]

Call is from an inmate at a pellet.

[Allison Rosen]

There's something I'm hearing that's saying this is.

[Adam Carolla]

There should be an 11 digit pin number that's on the bottom of your card. Also the back of your card has a date on it that I'm gonna need from you as well as your mother's maiden name. If that. And that's a recorded call is from an inmate at a credit card out. That would be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Where are you calling from? Because I'm hearing a recording that's from a correctional facility which I think is jail.

[Adam Carolla]

We're based in Encino. I work. If you can just get the credit card and go ahead and give me those numbers, we could take care of this suspicious activity post haste.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'll get the card. But don't you have, don't you have. If you're really from Visa, don't you have this information?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have pictures of yourself? Like something you would sleep in? I mean like a nightgown or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Here with a matching robe and nightgown set?

[Adam Carolla]

Well like no. When it's warm, you know, I just.

[Allison Rosen]

Take the robe off and then I just have a long sleeve nightgown.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have anything that's, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a warmer, but it's also with flannel.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh, Flannel.

[Allison Rosen]

And it has lace around.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you could get the credit card out, just take a picture of the credit card and yourself in your underpants and go ahead and send it. It's not going to be Encino.

[Harlan Williams]

We.

[Allison Rosen]

Where should I send it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm out. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

We're in Folsom.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's why they, they started putting that in. Yeah, it would have been a good crank Anchors bit by the way, just to see, you know, just to see how people Responded to him.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder if anyone's heard from prisoner David, like Lynch or anybody. Or if he still around, you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

He was serving a long sentence.

[David Wilde]

You never made a conjugal visit to visit?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, no, he was in. Boy, he was in. He was in for quite some time. Dr. Drew, sense of humor. One more phone call and then we will bring in Harlan Williams. Hey, Matthias.

[Mike]

Matthias.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Matthias. Yeah, hold on a second. I watched Omega man and Omega Man. The guy's name was Matthias because he'd go, your eyes, Matthias. So is Matthias and Matthias the same name and we're pronouncing them differently. Are we in an Andrea and an Andrea situation?

[Allison Rosen]

It's Andrea.

[Mike]

I don't know, it's Greek. My mom decided to fuck my wife up with that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Mike]

Okay. So I was. I.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe the last one. Let me see if we can try again. Hold on a second. Matthias Mehana. Hold on a second.

[Mike]

I'm still there.

[Adam Carolla]

You go real quick. We got to bring Harlan Williams in.

[Mike]

Okay. So listening to the old lions, like just listening to Drew, he doesn't really seem like, like from then to now. Like he laughs at all your now, but like back in the day, he kind of like, yeah, I don't know, kind of just was like a dud.

[Adam Carolla]

When. When did the whole change.

[Mike]

I'm listening to like Next.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Dr. Drew, whatever. Understand radio and the idiots from TV and from radio, but mainly from TV, they would just go. I'm sure they'd pull him aside and coach him up all the time and go like, you're the serious doctor one. Adam is. Because all they understand is format. So he's the kooky, funny whatever one. And then you're the super serious one. So don't smile, don't laugh at his jokes and like, be real, whatever. And if Adam starts doing this, you can't go. Because we can't. Because all we know is this stupid fucked up format. We don't understand just nuance and chemistry and things like that. So I think he would get kind of pressured. Like, you be the straight guy all the time. So if I said something funny, he'd have to just kind of fold his arms. Now he realizes, oh, fuck them. They never knew anything. I would tell him all the time, they don't fucking know anything. But now he's realized, oh, fuck it, they don't know anything. And he's loosened up. And let's say you get itunes new show of the year by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

His sense of humor really evolved. I remember back when, before I ever knew you guys, when you were on mtv, there was a. You used to have a Drew joke board. Remember Drew would make a joke. It was such a rare occurrence.

[Adam Carolla]

Like put it on the joke board, right? Yeah, dime, for sure.

[David Wilde]

I did a comedy film with all these great comedians and we had him do a little bit and the director called me and said, drew is the funniest one. You know, we had lots of Emmy winners.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not go that far. Squarespace, baby. All in one platform. Makes a fast, easy way to create your own pro website. Beautiful designs, styles and options. You can create a unique website for your business or what have you. Easy to use. You can get some help. 24 hour support, seven days a week. Starts at just eight bucks a month. Includes a free domain name. If you sign up for a year, get your free trial. No credit card required. Start building your website today. You need a website. It's 2014. Use the offer code COROLLA1. That's COROLLA1 for 10% off your first purchase. And show your support for the show. Squarespace. Everything you need to create an exceptional website. All right, where do you want people to go? I didn't get a page on you. What do you plug in?

[David Wilde]

David Wilde, I guess I'm working right now on the Grammys, which is January 26th on CBS. And then the next night we're doing the tribute Grammy tribute to the Beatles, which will air February 5th, I believe.

[Adam Carolla]

It is, which is LL Cool J.

[David Wilde]

I'm not saying who's by law. By law, legally, he will be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, he will be our great.

[David Wilde]

Host for the Grammys and. But those shows coming up, I look forward to.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's wild about music is where you go if you have a computer. And the great Harlan Williams will be in nowhere. Now back to the show. Harlan Williams, great friend, humanitarian, comedian. Harlan Williams in studio movie back in the day. Available now on video on Demand in theaters January 17th. Podcast the Harlan Highway. New episodes every Monday and Thursday on itunes. And coming up, Irvine Improv in Atlanta. Improv.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Irvine Improv this weekend and then Atlanta Improv in a few 23rd through the 25th.

[Adam Carolla]

Atlanta. I seem to recall playing a very small place in Atlanta that was a club that was like kind of off the beaten path and kind of shaped like a Der Wienerschnitzel or something. Had that raked roof and on a drive through. Yeah, I just tell jokes to people that came through the street. They drove through.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to Think of what that club was.

[Harlan Williams]

Was it out in Roswell? Probably out in the suburbs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I think I was there years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I remember. All I remember was me saying to the club owner, oh, it's the Atlanta Tabernacle. Yes, yes. Very woodsy, earthy place. And oh, good. Way to go, Gary.

[Harlan Williams]

That was the name of it. Tabernacle.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I. What I remember is it was right in the middle of Jim Brewer saying he wanted to kill me. And it's a long story.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Harlan's half baked costar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Talking about how much he hated me and how much he wanted to kill me. And I remember saying to the club owner, who's coming in next? And he said, jim Brewer. And I said, oh, well. And whatever the math was, I remember thinking, oh, well, he's coming in tomorrow. I'm leaving tomorrow. And he said, nah, he's coming in a day early. Do press. And it's like smash cut to me and Jim Brewer standing in the office together.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah. Did he apologize? Cause you used to be a boxer. You're a boxer. You don't mess with Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

But people look at me as a puss.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, but that's where you get them. Cause they think you're a puss. You look like a puss.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Harlan Williams]

But then, wham, you pull out your Golden Gloves.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

And Jim Brewer's laying on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Puss.

[Harlan Williams]

Right in the busted in the pussy wussy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he was friendly about it. Was it, you know, I.

[Harlan Williams]

Of course he's friendly about it. When you're right there. That's what everyone does.

[Adam Carolla]

I deserved a certain amount of blame. I used him as an instrument to make fun of David Alan Greer.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, that's an odd instrument. Why didn't you just use a trombone or something? What's that all about?

[Adam Carolla]

David Alan Grier was ranked like number 97 on Comedy Central's Hundred Funniest, and Jim brewer was like 89. He was like 100.

[Brian Bishop]

Best standup comics ever.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, I got you.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was making fun of him that Jim Brewer was ranked above him and wasn't funny. That was the problem that Jim took offense to. I wasn't trying to make fun of Jim Brewer. I was trying to make fun of David Allen Greer. But I was using Jim Brewer as a yardstick to measure unfunny. And that's the offense he talked about. And so rightfully so.

[Harlan Williams]

Even though you got your back from Jim Brewer and David Alan Grier, Dag's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Dag understood. Yeah, he understood.

[Harlan Williams]

Now, were you goofing on them, or were you really, like, horning them, like these guys?

[Allison Rosen]

He was goofing on Dag saying, jim's not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That was fun.

[Harlan Williams]

So you're giving Dag, like, I really like you. So I'm goofing on you, but you're giving the Brewer. You really blow that type of that.

[Adam Carolla]

In order to make my goofing on Dag more effective. You see what I'm saying?

[Harlan Williams]

So when you came face to face.

[Allison Rosen]

With Brewer, and also, Adam didn't think he was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

So when you came face to face with Brewer, what was the tone like? Because was Brewer out there threatening you and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

So when he came face to face, was he like, oh, hey, man, I love your show, or was he like, let's step out in the hallway guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. Most people don't want to step out in the hall.

[Harlan Williams]

No. With you, your Golden Gloves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I found that, but. So the tone does usually change. But he was nice, and I was nice, and I recognized. I mean, I told him, look, you know, I understand what I said. While it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, I can understand how it was.

[Harlan Williams]

But why was he nice? Was he backpedaling, or was he afraid of you?

[Adam Carolla]

I think I probably. First off, I don't know what lurks in the hearts of comedians, especially the ones that do Joe Pesci. I said I. Hey, Jim, I understand you've been talking some shit, and I know what it's about, and I'm apologizing for using you as a. Oh, so you apologize. Negative comedic yardstick. And I've heard him be funny, by the way, since then. I've heard him on Stern be funny many times. So I have to. I've rearranged my position.

[Harlan Williams]

You worked it all out.

[Adam Carolla]

We did work it out. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at you. You're like the Mother Teresa of comedy over there, guy. You should wear, like, a. A white veil and a burqa. Do you have a burqa?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what a burqa is, but that's because I enjoy the USA and country music.

[Harlan Williams]

Burqa's that little thing where the women wear the thing and all you can see is their eyes. You look good in one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say something about you in a burqa.

[Harlan Williams]

A plaid one, first off. A plaid burka.

[Adam Carolla]

All we ever do is talk about sunscreen and wearing big brim hats and stuff like that. I feel like those women, when that Burqa comes off, they could be 75 and look like they were 19.

[Harlan Williams]

Number one, all you need is eye cream to look good for the rest of your life.

[Allison Rosen]

Number two, certain freedom in that.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet they don't get bit by a lot of mosquitoes. And number three, you know, at a certain point, you know, I got a few of my mom's friends, I wouldn't mind it if they rocked the burqa.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Harlan Williams]

Rock the vote. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it would say. Well, you know what?

[Harlan Williams]

Let me say this, okay, say it.

[Adam Carolla]

Women spend an unfortunate amount of time mussing with their hair and. Or makeup.

[Harlan Williams]

Just burka it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just burka it.

[Harlan Williams]

Burk it up. I mean, delta burka.

[Adam Carolla]

There would be times, Alison, when you wouldn't mind just going, fuck it, I'll just put a burqa on and I'll leave the house. I don't have to get gussied up to go to the fucking mall.

[Harlan Williams]

You know what I would do?

[Adam Carolla]

Material and money.

[Harlan Williams]

If I was a girl and I had to wear a burqa, I would get cosmetic surgery and I'd either get squid eyes put in or owl eyes so all you could see. Squids have the biggest eyes in the world. The giant squid, technically has the biggest eye of any living creature.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Harlan Williams]

So I would get two giant squid eyes and a burqa.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second.

[Harlan Williams]

Imagine looking at me over your coffee at Starbucks in the morning. Good morning. How big is squid eyes?

[Adam Carolla]

How big is the biggest?

[Harlan Williams]

And then I squirt ink in your face when you try to come on to me.

[Adam Carolla]

If you did the owl one, what would that sound like?

[Harlan Williams]

Although we've got that cold snap. You want to hear that. You know the snowy owl, that white one? This is my impression of the snowy owl. Ready?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's cold. I knew it was coming. It's still fine.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you son of a. Now let's get back to the burqa with the squid eyes. Now, what kind of eyes would you have in your burqa?

[Adam Carolla]

We got a. I would do the crazy ones that just spun around and sort of flopped around, like.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, like the Twilight Zone logo. Where that spiral.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I can hypnotize people. We got a holiday card from prisoner David two months ago, including a picture of him and his new fiance.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Name is Ralph. Ralph, right.

[Harlan Williams]

Isn't that a grocery store?

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently he's going to be released. Released this month after 20 years.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, fuck. Lock the doors, Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh. Oh, well, he does mention that he's ready to. Let's see here. Auction off his virginity on the Adam Carolla show, if he's eligible. He was in radio, I do believe. Well, he's. He goes on to explain that he's hosting a weekly sports TV show in.

[Mike]

Prison with highlights of football, basketball, and.

[Adam Carolla]

Soccer that goes out to the entire California Correctional facilities.

[Mike]

Cable network.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a fucking go getter. Final Cut seven.

[Adam Carolla]

And Jesus says it's legit. Mm.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Their own cable network in prison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a network of guys holding mirrors outside their cells. And they can bounce it from one cell all the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's go to Jerry in 4C.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Jerry got him on the sat at mirror. There he is. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Where do they get mirrors in prison? Aren't they made of glass? Like, isn't that a weapon? Couldn't you slash the guy's throat with your mirror?

[Adam Carolla]

Mirror. Prison's a weird place because when you show up to prison, they take everything away from you. And then at some point later on, you're doing coke and you have breast implants and you just got a new coat of carnauba wax put on your Duesenberg. Like, I don't know what's going on in prison.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, they keep getting stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you my theory about what goes on in prison.

[Harlan Williams]

Gift baskets. The folks gifting.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet. No gifting South. The folks that are in any society, the folks that are there to guard and arrest and take care of and keep control of the prisoners are always just half a lateral move from being a prisoner themselves. The people that are attracted, they're really. Are you agreeing with me?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that was. That's funny. That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone who's in high school who's attracted to law enforcement is also kind of attracted to crime and could easily go either way.

[Allison Rosen]

And so because they're both, when you think about it, really antisocial endeavors, a cop. Like, you're not relating to people in the way that an average human being does relate. You're relating in a much more aggressive way. Just like a criminal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Well, let's just picture you picture, like, a guy like, let's say. What's his name from Portlandia. Let's say Fred Armisen, the Green Killer. Okay, Fred Armisen.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred Armison would not be a criminal, and he would definitely not be a cop.

[Allison Rosen]

Definitely not.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know if you could argue which one he would be. Like. I'd go, like. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Which one he would let.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he would steal a bike before he would go out for the police academy, like, but he would never even be close to either. He has no attraction.

[Allison Rosen]

He might have like a. He might not pay a parking ticket, but even that I think he would.

[Adam Carolla]

So, I mean, like, if you're a human being, some of us are wired. We have zero attraction to either one. But then we all know the dudes who played a little football at the JC level who kind of could go either way. That's why cops have a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

They might kill a rapist.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Cops have of a lot. I will guarantee that there's more domestic battery in the police amongst the rank and file police guys than there are of. Just take another profession. Just pick a random profession. Even the evil architects, even they don't have as high a rate of domestic abuse as, let's say cops do.

[Brian Bishop]

So Heisman trophy winning football player.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, if you set your drink down on their drafting table, maybe you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Beef stuff with a blueprint.

[Harlan Williams]

They can roll those blueprints up and it becomes like a bat if you roll it tight enough. That's a bat.

[Adam Carolla]

So the point is.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, glaze over it. Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Harlan Williams]

You just glazed.

[Allison Rosen]

No, we only respond to hoots.

[Harlan Williams]

I made a point about rolling up a blueprint. You glazed over it like some guy shellacking a Christmas ham.

[Adam Carolla]

You call it a point. I say it's more of a sand do.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, you know what? May you poke yourself in the eyes right through your dirty, smelly burka.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my point. I think the criminals. So now we have a place that is nothing but criminals. And then the other half of the guys could easily have been criminals. And then there's a handful of good guys like Chuck Norris go seeing the movies and that's it. So as far as the cocaine getting in and guys getting bribed and all that, of course we need Fred Armistead guarding these criminals. There would be none of this.

[Allison Rosen]

Armisen.

[Adam Carolla]

Armisen.

[Harlan Williams]

Armisen. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Armisen.

[Harlan Williams]

Armisen.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred Armisen.

[Harlan Williams]

Fred Armisen.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. The people who the other was named after a slave ship.

[Harlan Williams]

Armisen.

[Allison Rosen]

The people who would never want to be the guards would be the best at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yup. The same people you'd want taking your kids camp.

[Harlan Williams]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

The people didn't want to do it. All right. I'm sorry, what did the owl say? Did you watch the UFC fight? I've watched UFC fight over at Harlan's house.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh yeah? Yeah. That's fun. When you come over, we gotta do another one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. Cause we end up roasting marshmallows and drinking beer at the end of the night.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like, you're camping. You're camping at my place.

[Allison Rosen]

And then Adam comes back and says that he understands why you're single.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause you have such a great life with a house that looks over the hills.

[Harlan Williams]

I have a great life. Cause I know you guys. That's what makes my life great.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean. Yes, but he has a great life because he has somebody who's making hot wings and s' mores and bringing in microbrews and we're watching the ufc and it's like. It's. It's like we broke into someone's dad's house. Except where you own the house. Good.

[Harlan Williams]

You gotta come back now. I gotta get your opinion on this, dudes. I went to a pet shop the other day, okay? You ever been to the Petco?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

I go into this joint looking to see maybe some puppies prancing around or some kittens rolling around in newspaper shreds or something. I go in, they're selling rats, okay? Because I need a pet that helps spread the bubonic plague around and wipe out Europe. And then I went around the corner, there's a tank full of scorpions.

[Adam Carolla]

Scorpions.

[Harlan Williams]

And I'm thinking, what, do you child proof your house for three weeks and then buy Billy a black African scorpion with a poison dart growing out of his ass?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And then another tank, they had snakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And I'm like, like, well, wait a minute. You won't give Billy the Lego cuz it's a choking hazard, but let's buy Billy a nine foot Burmese python, huh? I don't what's going on, guy?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Mike]

I don't.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm your guy, by the way. What's going on, guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll tell you the guy.

[Harlan Williams]

Why are you closing your eyes? Both of this show your eyes have been closed.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, you know why I was thinking about that? And I was thinking about the choking hazard and the Legos and stuff. And I always screamed that my kids for toys when they were two, my sister got them a whole big chub pack of fake food, like, so they could pretend like they were at the grocery market. Little plastic carrots, little plastic hot dog, little plastic piece of watermelon, stuff like that. And then, of course, at age two, you'd see them with the plastic celery in their mouth and you'd slap it out of their hand and you'd go, no, no. And then 10 minutes later you'd be sitting at the dinner table with them going, eat your carrots, Eat your celery. And I thought, this is the fucking most retarded idea in the world. Why is this? Who lets this stuff be sold? Why would you? What kind of message?

[Brian Bishop]

It is a mixed message.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pretty fucking mixed message for a three year old.

[Harlan Williams]

Right, but yet they'll eat the plastic toy, but they won't touch the real vegetables.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've beat the shit out of them for eating the plastic toy. Now they're scared.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Child of is not acceptable. But if you want to do it legally, go to Petco and buy your kid a tarantula. Because nothing's worse than a spider with hair on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they not have puppies?

[Harlan Williams]

They don't have puppies. They have tarantulas.

[Allison Rosen]

Non cuddly Petco.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it should be just like, come in and kill your child and the law won't really figure out how it happened. Wink, wink.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Like if you want to off your kid, take him on a friendly visit to a pet shop and buy a lethal pet.

[Adam Carolla]

I would never let my kid have a scorpion or tarantula because the greatest fear in my life is walking into the room, looking into the aquarium or terrarium and not seeing it in there.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Empty.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And where is it in your scenario that you're painting in your head?

[Adam Carolla]

It's somewhere in his butt. It's in my butt. It's somewhere between my upper sheet and lower sheet. It's in. You know it's in. It's like that part of the pillowcase where it's a little floppy at the end.

[Harlan Williams]

It's in your burqa.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy, do we need an aquarium and a terrarium? Can't we just do the no water math?

[Harlan Williams]

Whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I could.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like if you took an aquarium and just filled it with sand and an iguana, I would know what it was. I don't feel like I need a terrarium and an aquarium.

[Brian Bishop]

So no one's gonna say to you, the iguana's in the aquarium. And you're gonna be like, oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

God, GED is drowning. Right. I could figure out. I'll do the heat lamp math on the aquarium and the terrarium. Or is there an actual difference?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, yes, there is.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Brian Bishop]

I think the terrarium has heat.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? No, you would add that. Fish tanks, they're just tanks.

[Harlan Williams]

Terrarium has a cheaper glass because an aquarium needs glass that's pressurized because it's holding in a lot of water. Right. But terrarium glass is very flimsy. Like you could smash your kid's face through it if you were angry.

[Adam Carolla]

And we've all heard the boxing axiom. That guy's a jaw like terrarium glass.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Roy Jones Jr. Just spit that out the other day.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Now we know where it comes from.

[Harlan Williams]

He's got a jaw like terrarium. I've heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know what else you've heard of? DraftKings, baby. Fantasy football far from over. The playoffs just starting to heat up. People winning some Serious [e-mail] My listeners winning big [e-mail] Someone won one million bucks a few weeks ago. Brian, how you hanging out?

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I just realized? Just like this is the playoffs in the NFL, this is where the men separate from the boys in the fantasy. Because now there's only eight teams left. Everyone can pick a lot of the same players. It takes a real good fantasy mind to, like, you know, find the sleepers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

DraftKings, you're going to watch the playoffs. Have some Fun, play with DraftKings. Win instant cash every week. Every game.

[Dawson]

Dawson DraftKings is letting Adam Carolla listeners play for free to win real cash. Enter AdamDraftKings.com for a quick free shot at your share of that $200 million pot. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. For details and your free entry, enter adam [e-mail] draftkings.com all right, shall we do some news?

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rose?

[Allison Rosen]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it.

[Dawson]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if you've seen or heard about this yet, but Michael Bay was giving a presentation at ces. It was a Samsung press conference and he was supposed to be promoting Samsung's new curved ultra high definition TVs. And he sort of had a meltdown. And we have the video.

[Adam Carolla]

I like this curved tv.

[Harlan Williams]

How is everyone today? My job as a director is I get to dream for a living.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh oh, Michael, you know, you're known for such unbelievable action.

[Allison Rosen]

Samsung's guy, what inspires you?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you come up with these unbelievable ideas? It's the teleprompter.

[Harlan Williams]

I create visual worlds that are so beyond everyone's normal life experiences. And Hollywood is a place that creates a viewer escape. And what I try to do is.

[Adam Carolla]

I, as a director, I try to.

[Harlan Williams]

The type is all off. Sorry, but I'll just wing this.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell us what you think.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, we'll just, we'll wing it right now. I take, I try to take people on an emotional ride and not since.

[Adam Carolla]

Neyland spoke about the elephant have I seen this kind of uncomfortable public forum. How does it, how do you think it's going to impact how viewers experience your movies? Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

He just walked.

[Adam Carolla]

Ladies and gentlemen, let's thank Michael Bay for joining us. Yes. Wonderful town.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. That wasn't really a meltdown though. Like he didn't freak out and shoot himself. He just kind of gracefully swirled around and left in the middle of the.

[Allison Rosen]

Thing that he was supposed to be there for a lot longer to prevent.

[Harlan Williams]

He's meticulous. This is a guy that works on 300 million dollar budgets and he needs everything. All his ducks in a line. When a teleprompter goes down.

[Mike]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

That'S why it's always best to have the idea of what you want to say. And I know they worked that verbiage out the back. This is why all these award shows always suck. Because the stilted. You talk and then I talk and then you talk. It looks alright on the page when you do it in real life.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, I hear you did a movie called the Hammer this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Brian. You know, I got hammered last night myself.

[Harlan Williams]

Whoa. Too soon.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you know what they say. They always have that kind of verbiage in there. Anyway, so he wrote on his website later. Wow, I just embarrassed myself at ces. I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome curved 105 inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk that I skipped over the exec VP's intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the teleprompter went up and down, then I walked off. I guess live shows aren't my thing, but I'm doing a special curved screen experience with Samsung and Transformers 4 footage that will be traveling around the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael, right now, that's his agent saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Get the fuck on Twitter because you just reneged on the deal basically, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Samsung probably paid him half a million bucks to do this and he just. Or more. They're gonna want it. Or more and they're gonna Want to keep that money.

[Harlan Williams]

He's temperamental, that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

But one could argue we're all talking about the half screen, half dome, Samsung television set, in which case we wouldn't have been speaking about it if we hadn't flubbed this one up. So in a way, probably a good idea.

[Harlan Williams]

More violence.

[Allison Rosen]

My reaction to this is to wonder, did he have misgivings about doing this whole sponsored thing to begin with, or do you guys think it was really just nerves and without the teleprompter, like, was that a hissy fit or was that just. He got nervous.

[Harlan Williams]

Hissy fit.

[Brian Bishop]

I think Harland's was right. Harland was right about, like having.

[Harlan Williams]

I've worked with Control, I've worked with Michael Bay. He's. He's, he's anal. He needs everything to be where it is. Or he, he has a temper. And if you, if anything's out of line, you hear about it on his set at least. So that's what it looked like here. That somebody probably dingled up. Pay attention. Adam talking.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm listening.

[Harlan Williams]

I just saw your eyes glaze over and you'd, like, you were dreaming about a Corona commercial.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's when he's concentrating.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about. No, I was thinking about that thing where you say to somebody. Cause I'm a little that way too. Like, you say to somebody, like, hey, listen, don't talk on your cell phone because it's really distracting during the presentation. And then you go up on stage and as you're doing your thing, you hear that person talking on their cell phone. And. And part of you is trying to keep going with your presentation, but there's a. Almost bigger part of you that's like, I'm gonna fucking kill that person. Which is a voice that's almost louder than my head, than whatever I'm doing. I'm like, I just told them seven minutes ago, don't talk on your fucking cell phone. And now I'm laser focused on them and their cell phone. I wanna kill them. And when you have. When you're one of those guys and he may be that guy, I don't have enough juice.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, he's pretty. He's zoned in, man. He's zoned in.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't know, like, all right, so when somebody fucks up, he goes, fuck it, I'm leaving. And that. But the other thing is, you could tell he walked out, got off his game, felt off balance, and instead of correcting his balance, like a vase on a potter's wheel gets A little shimmy in it, and before you know it, it's against the wall.

[Harlan Williams]

So you're saying he left the stage and went back and made love to Patrick Swayze shirtless.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying you could see him. We can't clear that. Yeah. No, you say whatever. Right.

[Harlan Williams]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying you could feel him go get a little out of balance and then.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I think that's. That's why I had that sense of maybe he had misgivings the entire time about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. Think Harlan, as a professional comedian, as a seasoned comedian, as someone who was put on this planet to entertain on stage.

[Harlan Williams]

Si, senor. Keep talking.

[Adam Carolla]

When you go out on stage, you put the mic in your hand, you start going into your bird sounds or whatever you do up there. And it's not all birds. Some aquatic stuff and some seabirds as well, to be fair. And you get some heckler or somebody drops a tray of dishes or something, and it pulls you out of it. You deal with it. You get pulled off your thing or you get distracted or someone's cell phone goes off or whatever it is. And then you go right back to your shit because you have your sea legs. Sea. Sea legs.

[Harlan Williams]

Sea legs, senor.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You've spent countless hours on stage with a mic in your hand.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When you are. Or my mom giving a speech at a wedding, or even Michael Bay in front of a thousand people in Vegas and you get knocked off your shit, I think you kind of get flustered and fucked up. You know the best man speech where they fuck up early in the run, and then you see them sort of spin out with it a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

You get one line out of order in the story, and next thing you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, they get up in their head a little bit. And now a little flop sweat and a little handshake and they start getting worse. You know, I feel like that's what he did.

[Harlan Williams]

But this guy works on such a high level. You gotta remember, whether you like his movies or not, he directs some of the most expensive, if not the most expensive movies in Hollywood. He's an AAA lister. He's up here on this cloud. Like I said, I've worked with him. I shot a Nike commercial with him, and I was on set with him for three days, and he did not like it. When one thing went out of order on him. He. He had the mentality, what the F are you doing? You're supposed to be doing your job. Blah, blah. So my impression of watching him here is like, the asshole with the teleprompter is not doing his job. I'm getting out of here. But he expects perfection.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Harlan Williams]

It's not a bad thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. But you're wrong, because he came out and he jumped his line. Like, he came out and started in Hollywood. We're supposed to create, and he jumped his.

[Harlan Williams]

Maybe it was a bit of both.

[Adam Carolla]

So it comes down to me, and I see it again. I wanna know about the Nike commercial.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

What was that?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, maybe I'm not gonna tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't play coy with us.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Harlan Williams]

It was. It was a Nike commercial where I played a guy on a bicycle. And I got my head smashed off. And my head started rolling around through the countryside and some guys put it in a box and I was like, this glass.

[Adam Carolla]

Was Morgan Freeman in this?

[Harlan Williams]

No. No, he wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was this?

[Harlan Williams]

This was probably like, I don't know, 10 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Where did we see this? Did we see the commercial?

[Harlan Williams]

It was funny because Michael Bay was commissioned to do five Nike commercials. And this is when Nike was just peaking. Like Nike. Nike was still Nike, but now it was becoming Nike. And so Nike thought, well, we're so big, we'll hire Michael Bay for, like, five, six million dollars. We'll have him do these really expensive, elaborate commercials in which I was in one of them. And because we're Nike and we're so good, we'll never even say the word Nike the whole commercial. We'll just show the check mark at the end. And people were watching these commercials going, what the hell is this? They never said Nike. No one ever uttered the word Nike. You never saw the word Nike. You just saw all these people running around in gym wear. And then at the end of this elaborate commercial, a check mark.

[Adam Carolla]

They call it a swoosh.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, a swoosh. And it was so pretentious that I think they yanked the commercials after, like, one week.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see this Harlan Williams, Nike commercials.

[Harlan Williams]

Look around on YouTube. I don't know if they're still there, but that's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. That's what I think. Let's break down the game film. He comes out on stage. Let's see him jump the gun here.

[Harlan Williams]

If he had been wearing a burqa. Everyone, today, my job as a director is I get to dream for a living.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's canned line. Michael.

[Brian Bishop]

Back it up one second.

[Adam Carolla]

The other guy was starting. You're known for your movies where my job As a director is I get to dream for a living. But he jumped that guy's line.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at that. He looks like Gumby right there, sliding on one foot.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

How is everyone today? My job as a director is I get to dream for a living.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael, you know, you're known for such unbelievable action.

[Brian Bishop]

What inspires you?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you come up with these unbelievable ideas?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, that's when he was supposed to say, my job.

[Adam Carolla]

My job's the director's, the dream. Yeah. Whatever it was, he jumped. Jumped it. And then he started to hyperventilate a little bit, and then he went. I'm not used to public speaking. Anyway, I think that's what happened. I still want to see the Harlan Williams commercial. His head cut off. How dare you.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I'm in a glass box.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you think he was a dick at the time?

[Harlan Williams]

No, no, I actually enjoyed him. He was intense. Like, here's how Michael worked. At least back then. He ordered people around. I mean, he was the man. He was in control. And he would push you to do crazy things. And I noticed no one on the set stood up to the guy. I was the only guy that stood. He wanted me to ride a bicycle into a tree branch and hit the tree branch with my head. And I said, michael, there ain't no way, man. I'm not using my head.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a protective burka.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And he was like, okay. But anyone, anyone that just kind of kowtowed to the guy, I don't think he respected them at least. He kind of would roll over them more. But if you stood up to the guy, he seemed to respect that you knew your boundaries. And I had a good time working with him. He was a lot of fun, but he's intense.

[Adam Carolla]

He's intense. Well, first off, I never blame those guys. There's no way to do what he does for a living. When you have F16s flying overhead and you got a bullhorn and you're yelling action, and there's 300 extras and there's explosions, you have to have that mentality.

[Harlan Williams]

You do. You gotta be super in control.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's really like saying, you know, Patton was kind of a douchebag. It's like he had a war to win. Yeah, he had to be a douchebag. He just wasn't time.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like the conductor at Boston Pops, a guy running an orchestra, you know, he's got to wave that stick around. His hair's got to be frizzed out. Like, he just sucked on an electric eel. You know, like he's gotta be in that place.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever happened to electric eels? I feel like they were a pretty big part of my childhood.

[Harlan Williams]

Underpants. Hello? Right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Hear about him anymore?

[Harlan Williams]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that it?

[Harlan Williams]

I was right out of my underpants. I just stuck the mic. You want to hear it again?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, no. We have your commercial.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, no, you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes, we do.

[Harlan Williams]

Chicken wing. Chicken wings.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a haunted bike story.

[Harlan Williams]

What are you staring at?

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to you?

[Harlan Williams]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I was mountain biking.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm the best mountain biker you've ever seen. I'm the best.

[Adam Carolla]

The gun you lie to. On your right. Come on.

[Harlan Williams]

Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. Crap. Take where you let the ride get out. Winning a race and all the other bikers got jealous. Then they kicked me into a tree.

[Mike]

Wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid. Oh, head. Your head blew off.

[Harlan Williams]

Hit my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, little help here. His head just got kicked down a ravine. Oh, I encountered landed. Don't you make me come over the head.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't believe I'm talking to you, chubby. Anyway, son, my shoes won't let go of the bike. So my body's still riding around the.

[Adam Carolla]

World looking for a singing head. It's a Nike Alpha ship.

[Harlan Williams]

Hey, put me down. I'll mess you up like a cheap wing. Wow. And then, look, it just. They didn't mention Nike once they showed.

[Adam Carolla]

The shoe for half a second.

[Harlan Williams]

They showed the shoe. But the. I mean. I mean, look at how crazy and busy that command. And you're like, there's so much going on, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That took a lot of swoosh.

[Harlan Williams]

I know. It was a huge production. Yeah, but you see, that was the tree. You see where my head hit the tree?

[Adam Carolla]

I did see that.

[Harlan Williams]

So we did that where I was this far from it and just like, kind of put my head on it and fudged it so it looked like. But he wanted me to drive. He wanted me to ride the bike right into that branch, like, at speed with my. With my. And hit it with my face.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard him talking to his lord. That's why we went with a no name, Right? I thought, this is why we went with a no name. How dare you say no? It's. Come on.

[Harlan Williams]

The real reason I won't hit the tree is because there was an owl in it.

[Allison Rosen]

I love you, but that commercial makes me angry because. What the fuck was that?

[Harlan Williams]

That's what I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm agreeing with you.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what I said. And they did five of them, and they were all just as crazy as that. You don't know what the product is.

[Adam Carolla]

It looked like incredibly expensive commercials.

[Harlan Williams]

And then his fee alone, I heard, was $5 million. And this was pre transformers.

[Brian Bishop]

So 1999, it was their Alpha project campaign. And that was Gary Payton as the sort of mastermind. He was in an oddities shop and a series of commercials that originated from the shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a big campaign. It was like hundreds of millions.

[Allison Rosen]

Feels like a parody.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but it just. It didn't run long enough for any of us to remember. That's kind of commercial you'd remember. And you know, I watch a lot of sports, I imagine. Well, anyway, next story. Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a long story.

[Allison Rosen]

We didn't have a chance to talk about the fact that Phil Everly of the Everly Brothers died.

[Adam Carolla]

Bye bye, Phil.

[Allison Rosen]

He's the youngest Everly brother. He died of chronic obstruction pulmonary disease, and he was 74.

[Adam Carolla]

Ouch.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you know that Billie Joe Armstrong and Norah Jones recorded a tribute to the Everlys before he died? It's an album of covers called Songs our Daddy Taught Us.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to check that out. I wouldn't mind doing that myself. Everly Brothers had a lot of great hits.

[Allison Rosen]

And did you know this? I didn't know this either. That the Everly Brothers breakup came dramatically during a concert at Knott's Berry Farm. Phil threw his guitar down and walked off. And then Don Everly told the crowd, the everly brothers died 10 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

How is that not all over the Internet?

[Brian Bishop]

Dramatic.

[Harlan Williams]

So that was the first hologram concert ever then? Mm. They were 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

They were 10 years. I wonder what year that.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. It doesn't say what year.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the sad part about the. Well, all professions, all show biz. I mean, stand ups and being a musician is. You have to. It's understood. But you have to play these county fairs and Knott's Berry Farm, and it's still better than driving a truck. But it's like, is it? Well, the only thing that's bad about it is you used to play big theaters. You know, like when I was. Two words of wisdom from the great Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray. When I was hanging out with him over at Kimmel's a couple of years ago. First was, he just had a kid. And he said to me quietly, so his wife couldn't hear, since when did paying for everything count for nothing? And I went, I don't know why we've crafted this society where the guy pays for everything. You work Your way up to a zero for paying for everything. That just gets you to a fucking zero in our society. But that's kind of where at, whether it's the taxpayers or whether it's the dad paying for the house, the car and everything else will work your way up to a zero at home. That's where we're at. I don't think it's a good thing, but that's where we're at. And the next thing I said was, so what's going on with Sugar Ray? Were you guys playing? And he said, were we playing? Well, if you smell funnel cake, we're there. Wow. And I said, oh, playing the. Playing the country fair.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and Sugar Ray's used to playing, you know, Irvine Meadows and getting tons of chicks and doing the whole nine yards. And it just is what it is. It's not. This band is not good anymore. It's just the nature of the beast. If you're Sugar Ray, it's like the road hard of rock musicians, whoever you are. You just have to. I mean there's the occasional U2s of the world and the Bruce Springsteens and the Led Zeppelin's and stuff, but few and far between. The rest are just a bunch of bands that either are out altogether or have to play the humbling kinds of places. You know, the Everly Brothers were probably top five in 1955 or wherever the hell it was. And at a certain point in their career they ended up at Knott's Berry Farm and Spilliken Corner competing with, you know, some guys who rode BMX bikes at a half pipe or something that were behind them.

[Harlan Williams]

But the good thing is they are musicians that leave a legacy behind. See, there's bands and I love Sugar Ray, but I don't know if music history will look back and go, Sugar Ray was instrumental in shaping modern music, whereas the Everly Brothers wanted to fly. Yeah, the Everly Brothers will leave a legacy of, you know, they helped craft and influence modern rock and roll and. And modern music.

[Adam Carolla]

So yeah, they had give us their hits. They had Kathy's Clown. Bye bye love they'd wake up.

[Harlan Williams]

My milkshake brings the boys to the yard they did that. My milkshake.

[Adam Carolla]

Goodbye My clinch, goodbye he had a baby he nurses every day no more breastfeeding he's got to get away if you're wondering where will he go? He'll be lactating on the East Coast. Bye bye Lynch Bye bye manly tits. Hello better bits. Bye bye Michael Lynch. Goodbye. Bye bye man tits. Goodbye Nice So brutal. He's lost about £40, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Crying in the Rain's a great song. All I have to do is dream. Yeah. Bye bye, Lynch. Yeah. Let It Be Made's a great song. Kathy's clown. Here she comes.

[Brian Bishop]

Wake up, little Susie. On the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Kathy Scott. Oh, yeah, there it is. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, Sheila. Was that theirs?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Sheila.

[Harlan Williams]

She what?

[Adam Carolla]

I think that was Prince. Amen.

[Harlan Williams]

How dare you, sir? How dare you and your closed burka eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

Not the point of this story, but I feel like Knott's Berry Farm used to be a much bigger part of my life than it has been in the last many, many, many years.

[Adam Carolla]

Agreed. And sad that my kids would rather go to Legoland, which is further away.

[Harlan Williams]

Buy them a python or scorpion.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And put them in a nice thin walled terrarium. Now I understand stalactite and stalagmite.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Those we that we need because they're the opposite of each other.

[Allison Rosen]

Like convex and concave.

[Brian Bishop]

Aqua as water. And terra, like terra firma is earth. So that's why it's terrarium and aquarium.

[Adam Carolla]

La dee da. Let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it. Kant's.

[Dawson]

That was the news with Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

This was worth it just to see that commercial.

[Harlan Williams]

Really. I feel a bit weird about it because I haven't seen that since they did it. It was weird watching that. I looked like a little kid. And I'll be honest, I don't know that I really liked my performance.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was.

[Allison Rosen]

You were great.

[Harlan Williams]

I feel weird about it.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Very good. I love when you called them crab cakes or whatever you call them.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to audition?

[Harlan Williams]

I did. It was one of those things. They auditioned like everyone in town and Michael Bay was at the audition and I got the call that my agent was like, they've seen everyone. They can't find the guy. They want to see you. Or they're not. Something like they're not going to do it if they can't find. So I went rushing down there as a last minute guy and I walked in the room and. And just went off. And Michael loved me and put me in the commercial. And it was fun, man. It was like shooting a little movie. As you can see, it was a pretty intense commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

And that stuff is multiple days, right?

[Harlan Williams]

I was out there like three days. We were up in the hills. And I'll tell you what, Bay did get me to ride a mountain bike down like this really steep hill. And I said, nah, nah. He goes, when you get about halfway down, slam on the brakes. And I'm like, no, Michael, he talked me into doing that. I went down the hill, hit the brakes, flew right over the handlebars, went right over, landed on my back in the bushes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he doesn't know you're from Canadian royalty.

[Harlan Williams]

How dare you, jellyfish lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he doesn't know about your dad being in district Selectman or whatever the hell he was.

[Harlan Williams]

May your eye crust clog up your burqa, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad was a heavy, heavy hitter.

[Harlan Williams]

Why do you want to go from my a Nike commercial to my dad?

[Adam Carolla]

I just like that your dad was your Canadian gentry.

[Harlan Williams]

My dad was the Solicitor General.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. It's a Danny Kay character.

[Harlan Williams]

If we ever make a movie, will you play my dad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Could you be the Solicitor General?

[Adam Carolla]

I can be the Solicitor General.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, God bless you.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like that comes with a sash, right?

[Harlan Williams]

A sash? Yeah, like a Russian hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying it's a sash job. He was a Solicitor General.

[Harlan Williams]

What is a sash? What are you saying?

[Adam Carolla]

What's a Solicitor General? And then we'll tell you what a sash.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like the Attorney General here.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. I like that. Did he have a powdered wig? Did he have a fake wig and.

[Harlan Williams]

A robe and stuff? Dare you, sir? He did dress up like powder from the movies. Remember the bald white kid who could bend forks with his mind? He did that. Madam Speaker, I will bend your teacup if you. What? Here goes my electric eel in my pants.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you give me the Electric Eagle.

[Harlan Williams]

Eagle eel.

[Adam Carolla]

What would electric Eagle sound like? Go to meeting. Start your New Year's off. Right? Work smarter. With GoToMeeting, brought to you by Citrix, you can get clients together. You can work for miles apart. You could have your partner on a mountain bike on some hill somewhere in the desert. All right? Increase productivity, improve communication. Cut time. And wasted money. Nobody likes to waste money. And your business Travel as well. GoToMeeting. You can do it from your computer, your mobile device. Launch your first meeting in seconds. Share the screen. Collaborate on documents, spreadsheets, projects. Do it in real time. Turn your webcam and see, see, see, see, see the other person you're talking to or the multiple people you're talking to. And you can try it free. See, see? That's right, 30 days free.

[Harlan Williams]

See, see my electric eel.

[Adam Carolla]

No credit card required. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button and use the promo code. Adam, let's go to meeting.com, promo code. Adam Meeting is believing. All right. Harlan Williams can be found back in the day. Name of the movie available now on video on demand and in theaters January 17th. Shit, we forgot to get into that. What's that about?

[Harlan Williams]

It's like one of these high school reunion movies. All the characters, Michael Rosenbaum, Nick Swartzen, Morena Baccarin, we all go. Sarah Colonna, we all go back to our high school reunion, and we kind of pick up where we left off when we were all 18 as adults. We start all the same hijinks. It's a really, really fun, touching, but really funny comedic movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And again in theaters January 17th. But you can get it now on video on demand.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely. At itunes and all that good stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

The Harlan Highway. New episodes every Monday and Thursday on itunes. And. And he's. I'll tell you what, go to harlanwilliams.com if you want to find out any dates where Harlan's going to be doing stand up. Coming to a city this weekend in Irvine.

[Harlan Williams]

Irvine, California, at the Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Great venue. And Mangria back in stock. And you can go to carolladrinks.com and click on the shop button and find it where it's available near you. So until next time, Sam Crolla for David Wilde, Harlan Williams, Allison Rose, and.

[Harlan Williams]

Bald Bryant saying Mahala busted in the pussy wussy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Krillin Show, 1235. Coming up next, we have Adam Kulishow, 1243. David Larson, Cody James, Allison Rosen, Brian bishop, also from 2014. So many other things could see Allison Rosenberg.

[Allison Rosen]

Really bad cramps and I'm drowning in my own phlegm.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Shit, I could. Hey, Bald Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm having the same problem as Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought. I just thought about myself and I thought, what the fuck? What if I got cramps? What if I had a period? I mean, I got up this morning, like I had to work like my. My third Sunday in a row. And then I was like, last weekend it was doing a show in Long beach. And then I had to do this fucking contractor show on Sunday. And I was in, you know, oh, I gotta be in Whittier Tomorrow at 7:15.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you get to be in Whittier?

[Adam Carolla]

I get to be in Whittier Tomorrow at 7:15. And I just thought, I woke up this morning just like, fuck, I'm so fucking tired of driving. I'm so tired of working on the weekend stuff. And then. And as you brought up the Cramps part. I just thought, what if I got a period?

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus Christ, what a complaining multiplier that would be.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Putting two zeros in a magnifying glass. No, the two zeros would be shaped like the magnifying glass. I'd have to explain it to almost everybody, but it'd still be powerful once I was done explaining it to him, how it magnified my negative mood.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's not just that. You'd be having to think, how long does it take to get to Whittier? Will one tampon take me the whole way? Do I have to wear a pad? Am I gonna have to make a stop? It's a lot of logistics, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, absolutely. My headphones still sound weird, Dawson, but I guess we'll straighten out. Give me a little more gain, would you, brother? You got it. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you're mainlining gain now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, fix a gain. All right. So many things to talk about. Us, Buffalo, Irvine, Vegas, doing some live shows. Me doing a little show in Detroit. Got that coming up. Buffalo's coming up Saturday, February 1st. We'll do the live podcast. Me signing some Mangria bottles. Seattle, Royal Oak, Lincoln park in Illinois, Amherst, as Drew says it, and Las Vegas, all coming up. Go to the calendar, go to Corolla drinks, go to mcrolla.com, see when the live shows are coming to a town near you. Usually there'll be some sort of Mangria signing that will be coupled on to that because Mike August, after all, is making the schedule. Thank you for all the support on the crowdfunding thing, fighting the patent trolls, working on the script for the video. I have some ideas. I think I have a good idea. I've reached out to said celebrity and we shall see if she is down with it or not. But I'll try to keep it a surprise. So thanks for all the words of support and all that. Many things to get into. Hey, where's my Rolling Stones? I was sort of pre annoyed today and just give me the hits and thank you, and Dawson will tell you which ones they are. I walked into the shop and the radio was playing and it was just, you know, local rock, klos, you know, just rock station. And it was one of the Rolling Stones covers. Like, you know, like Dancing in the Streets with Mick Jagger and I don't know if that's David Bowie or not, but it wasn't that song. It wasn't that song. So it was worse than that song. And I thought the Stones. That's a good point. It's a good point. It doesn't seem like it could get worse. And then I realized, oh, no, the Stones have covered or Mick Jagger has covered a couple of like, motowny esque songs that were just fucking horrifically bad. So I told Gary and he just gave me a list of 128 songs. But I told him, keep it to the hits. Dawson will lean over and help out and we'll figure this out. But it popped in my head and then popped out of my head and I just wrote down stone. So I had to give a little homework to Gary over there.

[Allison Rosen]

What percentage of the time do you not know what your note refers to? Or do you always know what your notes to yourself refer to?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you never have to do good songs. Go into a Go Go, I think is what it was. Yeah, it was. That's a.

[Brian Bishop]

So Mick Jagger covered Going to a Go Go or the Stones or one of the two?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, they did. Pretty. I forgot. It's a. I like Smokey Robinson a lot. I think Tears of a Clown is one of the best R B songs. It's just one of the best songs ever. It's just a great song. The lyrics are great. It's short, sweet, to the point. It's got like a hook. It's. It explains it. It's just one of the greatest pop songs ever. But Going to a Go Go is a endless circle of shit. And it should just be called Going to a Go Go Go, Go Fuck yourself. Like, it's just a shit song. And even when Smokey Robinson did it, it sucked. In 19, the only part it had was the part where in almost every 60s song where they just go. I said, yeah. And then the horns would kick in. But it's kind of a cop out, just having a wall of sound, like, kick in in the middle of your shitty song and kick it up a notch.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it a live song? I can only find the live version. No, There's a studio version of this.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Everything on YouTube or everything on whatever Sound Hamster or whatever they got out there, it's all fucking live. It's all the live version, which always drives me.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta get on Soundham.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta get on Soundhamster. It always drives me nuts that we run into this every single time you look up a song. So if it ever. If I'll. I'll never want the live version. Or I'll say it's a live version.

[Brian Bishop]

Once in a while. The live is the definitive version that you know of.

[Dawson]

You know, if your name's Peter Frampton.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Once in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And when I went Pat Travers, boom, boom, out goes the lights. Yeah, Dawson, that was for you, baby. Then and only then, I will ask for the live version, because that is one of the best live licks ever. All right. He's going to find that. I'm going to share with you a tweet. You guys tweet me stuff. And I do appreciate it. And I have to say that, you know, whenever somebody. I never want to jump in and correct these people. But when you bring this up with a comedian or somebody else who has a podcast or is being heard, they go, yeah, it's tough, you know, because all the hate. A lot of haters out there, but you can't listen to them. You cut through all the hate and those bad tweets and negative ones, the ones attacking your wife and your genital size and your children and things like that, and you get to the couple.

[Brian Bishop]

Of wife's genital size.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. A couple of positive nuggets in there, but you have to go mining for them. And I'm always thinking to myself, I almost get no bad. I literally 1 in every 150 tweets I get has some negativity to it. Really. Everything else is just super positive. But I don't want to say that to the person that goes, you know what it's like. Lot of haters. A lot of angry people out there hiding behind their computer venting on you.

[Allison Rosen]

This is fascinating to me, though, because I get a lot of hate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Now there's an argument that vaginas correlate to hate. That rhymes, I think. But I think I would also argue that I say far fewer harmful things. Is it because you come across as kind of strong and dominant and people don't want to take you on?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. There's two things. One is I say to Lynette when she goes, why do you have to win every argument? I go, well, it helped. I'm right. I don't argue unless I'm right. So you have to be right. If you're not right, you're gonna get fucked all the time. I do believe. I mean, you're still gonna get people who argue with you. Paul Bryan will test too. I don't know about that, but I think he's doing it now. But your batting average goes way up. If you're right about most. Don't argue about shit that you're not right about. I know everyone thinks they're right about everything. But also, people still just argue about shit it on one side or the other anyway. But the people that listen to the show agree with me, and thus they listen to the show.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I'm surprised you don't get hate from people who don't listen to the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, it occasionally gets to them, but.

[Allison Rosen]

You get it in the form of articles.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. For the people who just listen to the show, they wouldn't listen to the show if they didn't agree to the show. So I guess it's sort of like if you're going to a. If I took my mom to a Limp Bizkit concert, she'd be pissed, right? Yeah. But my mom would be stupid if she looked around at the 8,000 people or now 800 people and said, why aren't these people as pissed as I am and holding their ears. And the answer would be, well, they're fans, they bought tickets, and they're here. So there's still a subgroup in that group that might not think this is a particularly good Limp Bizkit effort. It's hard to say that Fred Durst.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn'T give it his.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah. That was not 100% from Freddie and the rest of the cast.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that makes sense. The majority of people tweeting you are people who listen to the show and they're fans. They're not going to send you shitty things. The vast majority of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also, Fred Durst did a wonderful job with my script. They're also, yes, they're fans. And then they also. They appreciate the. Hey, we're talking about the patent trolls or whatever it is, and they're like, we're behind you. I mean, Brian, you'll find out, and hopefully you won't. But you start writing some shitty books and you start doing some way ahead of your boss live podcast, where you just kind of pull up a chair and. And drink a beer and mail it in. And you do an independent film where you can sleepwalk through it. And you will start getting people saying you have to kind of burn some calories, hang out after the show, sign some autographs, snub people. And then you will start getting that. Go have 400 people line up at Portland to buy bottles of Mangria and cut the line off. 100 people in and go, I'm tired. I gotta do two shows tonight and leave then.

[Allison Rosen]

People didn't appreciate that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we didn't do that. Oh, oh, that's. That's the point. Do it. You'll get the Tweets hang out till every person is done and then haul ass to the theater to make it there just when the first show's starting. And you'll get a thanks for hanging out for. So it's not. You can still get some shitty tweets, but you can earn your shitty tweets too. Like I said, have people wait in line for two hours and then cut it off. Ten people before they get to you and go, I got to get to the show because I got to take a nap before I do the show, or otherwise I'm not myself. You'll get a shitty tweet from the people who you didn't sign the bottle for. All right. Do you have that? The world's shittiest song. We'll see if we can find it. Yes.

[Dawson]

Here's something very, very interesting that I think the Rolling Stones probably are feeling exactly like you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. I'm.

[Dawson]

The only version available of this song is live.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dawson]

Even on itunes. The single is no longer out there.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but it was a single. I mean, it was.

[David Wilde]

It was a full radio.

[Dawson]

It was a full on produced recorded studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Single. Yes. I heard a single version on KLOS. Yeah. In 2014 this afternoon. And I just thought, why would we get it? Why are we being punished? Like, people calling the station and requesting they can turn it up. This is the part that makes it acceptable. Dun dun. Take him to the bridge. If you're the Rolling Stones, I say this, but I say the same thing about Adam Sandler movies. Why, why, why do you hear this song and go, oh, yes. Oh, that must be covered.

[Allison Rosen]

And then do you think. And you know what would make it really good? If I go like this after I do the line.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, we need. We need a super long generic sax solo in the middle of it that could be attached to any song that came out in the last 40 years.

[Brian Bishop]

They have so many hits. Why play this?

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a piece of shit again. Well, find the Smokey Robinson version of it. There's no human being that listens to this song and goes, the only thing that saves this song is Smokey's voice. Mick has no chops, so let's do a slower, shittier song that's, you know, comatose ether rag version of this song. With a guy who has zero chops in the voice department, I think you're.

[Brian Bishop]

Under selling Mick Jagger a little bit. But compared Smoky Robinson.

[Adam Carolla]

Have zero chaps. Yes. Like zero to ten in the look. He's stylistic in the Low double. He's not gonna save this song by any stretch. If Luther Vandross could not save this song. It's a piece of. Why? What the. All right, you can stop it there. But it, it makes you. It's that thing where it's like Jane Fonda. Oh, she takes a 25 year hiatus from acting and then comes back to do Monster in Law. Why?

[Dawson]

Well, even you can get even closer. It's when fucking Michael Damian covered David Essex's Rock On.

[Adam Carolla]

Why the fuck did that happen?

[Harlan Williams]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. Why? We can get to Lenny Kravitz and American Woman. I mean, the list goes on and on. It almost seems like these people were put here to fucking annoy me. Like they took my. In terms of songs being covered. I feel like they took songs I specifically went, well, I never have to hear that piece of shit again. Oh, yes, you do. Because 20 years later some asshole is going to remake it. And the only thing that's going to sell this thing is familiarity. There's no way Rolling Stones going to a go Go. A fresh sheet of paper. Like Mick's just sitting on the corporate jet with the big lips and the tongue on it and goes, you know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna pin a song called Going to a go Go. Like it would get played. It wouldn't get played. It's the. Oh, you're right, David Essex and the.

[Dawson]

Michael Damian cover of it is pretty much. He just basically took the same shit.

[Adam Carolla]

That David Essex took. If anyone doesn't know Rock on by David Essex or Michael Damian or Michael Damian, it's one of those songs that is so bad.

[Brian Bishop]

You know it when you hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

That I have, I've. I've cleansed it. You play it, Brian, you look for it. I've cleansed it from my brain. Because when I give a list of worst songs ever, the song is so brutally bad that. And I can't go. I can't even go back and re. Experience it.

[Allison Rosen]

Like it undermines the integrity of the list if you put it on because the other ones are good and consistent.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that would suggest that I would even let it enter my brittle.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a no Rock on zone.

[Adam Carolla]

My mind, it protects itself by not letting David Essex come back into it. You know what I mean? It's like the people got into a horrible fiery car accident and then were raped by a fireman at the scene of the crime. And then they go, but it's not as bad. That's not as bad as this. But still, then they go, I have no memory. Like, I blacked out. Like, I just don't. I don't have. I woke up in the hospital.

[Allison Rosen]

Your body shuts down.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut down. I didn't. I'm not gonna remember this either. At what point did the session musicians just go, I can't. I'm sorry. I know. I know this is a paid gig. I understand someone is gonna pick up this bass guitar if I just throw it down and leave.

[Brian Bishop]

But, David, why are we here, all of us playing?

[Adam Carolla]

I have children. I'm a man of faith, and I just cannot do this. And to set, like, a guard setting his gun down at a concentration camp or something going, I cannot go through with this. You know, your.

[Dawson]

Your cocaine 80s being the best time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

This was when they first found cocaine.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really like, the guy found a fucking Quaalude and a shot of Jaeger. Right. There's nothing coke about this, is there? This is a remake the Judgment. Yeah. No, this is David Essen. No, no, that's how bad this is. Hold on. Okay, this is David Essex. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is the David Essex one.

[Dawson]

But play the Michael Damien.

[Adam Carolla]

It's exactly the same. Like, did we need two of these?

[Dawson]

No, we did not.

[Adam Carolla]

Is Michael D. Damien's career over?

[Dawson]

Yeah, that was Michael Damien's career.

[Adam Carolla]

Could somebody find him? Is anyone knows Michael? What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

I believe he had a small guest turn on Facts of Life when they went to Miami. He played Fly Paper. That was the name of his character or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Well, if anyone knows him, could they scream at him? I'm glad your career's over. From Adam Corolla.

[Brian Bishop]

August just texted.

[Adam Carolla]

He's booked for tomorrow.

[Brian Bishop]

There's more going on, that's for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like looking at the face of Chris Maxapata during this. Because he knows music. He likes music, he plays music. And he just. In your young, he had no idea what was going on. But here's the thing. That's insane. I didn't walk past a primer van that was up on cinder blocks and parked by the railroad tracks and hear this coming from a guy playing it on acoustic guitar. I walked past a fucking radio in 2014 and heard going to a Go Go studio version Rolling Stones this afternoon played on KLO Fucking S. What the. May I People calling in going, we need to hear this.

[Dawson]

I've been trying to tell every program director I've ever worked for that, guess what, bro? We all own Led Zeppelin 4 and none of us are racing home to play Stairway to Heaven.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. They don't get it. Well, no, what they. What they do, it's all familiarity. I say it all the time. It's. It's all audience testing and it's all the. You hear the first two licks of going to a go go. They test. That's what the program directors do. They test. And the fucking stooges that are available on Wednesday at noon for $20 to test go. Oh, I know this one. Oh, I know they go, oh, I know this one. They start turning the knob to the right. Macaroni and cheese. Yeah, I know this one too. It's fucking brutal. It's like you going, oh, I remember that super, super mean, ugly, smelly chick from high school. Yeah, I remember her like, yeah, but you're not gonna beat off, are ya?

[Mike]

You were Melly.

[Allison Rosen]

Mean and ugly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, smelly and ugly from high school and mean. I'm saying we were only one of.

[Brian Bishop]

Those things is bad enough alone.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a lot of shitty shop teachers. I remember Mr. Gay. He's a dick. Hope he's dead. I don't go like, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Mr. Gage and Mr. Saponzee. Mr. Hensley. Oh, yeah, they were fucking. No, they're assholes. I hope they're dead. There are fucking huge dicks. Mr. Mr. Martin and Mr. Oh, my God, I blocked some of these guys from a fucking brain. They hated the kids. There were assholes. And if the kids were a few years older, they would have beat the shit out of them. But it'd be nice if they weren't on this planet anymore. But I don't go, oh, yeah, do.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a soft spot in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Heart, Mr. Mallon from plastics class? Yeah, I love that. No, he was an asshole. He was a fucking cock.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably is a good idea you weren't valedictorian.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck him. Yes, it would have been a great.

[Brian Bishop]

Your address would have been something to behold.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. What the fuck is wrong with everybody? All right, I'll tell you what's right in this world. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy sports heating up, boy. Now what do we got? We got the super bowl coming up.

[Brian Bishop]

What are we going to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you what you can do. Pick other teams if you want. Sorry about your loss. That game.

[Brian Bishop]

Fresh wounds, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I got to say, that San Francisco game, I've had many games this way as a fan of the Rams or whoever, where you just go somewhere in the third quarter, you're like, oh, we're winning, we're just going to win. I'm just used to winning. You've been walking around with a 9 point lead or something or a 12 point lead or 11 point lead it with tons of time. But you just decided we're winning, this is the way it's going to be. And then all of a sudden you sort of blink and you go, what? We're losing.

[Brian Bishop]

And even with the three point deficit, you're like, oh, this is imminently attainable.

[Adam Carolla]

We can certainly come back from this, man. Anyway, a few weeks ago, James Tran from California won a million dollars at DraftKings. One day. Fantasy sports means every day you got a shot to score for your share of 2 million DraftKings bucks, baby. 2 million bucks are giving away. They awarded that this year. All right, Dawson.

[Dawson]

DraftKings is letting our listeners play for free to win real cash. Enter [e-mail] for a quick free shot at your share of that 200 million dollar pot. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. For details in your free entry, enter adam [e-mail] draftkings.com I want to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to a go Go by the Stones again.

[Allison Rosen]

That, in a nutshell, is you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. I, I marvel if you want to karaoke and somebody started to sing the.

[Allison Rosen]

Song, I would say that's why I never go to karaoke because I'm miserable now.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you throw a, a bottle at him or, or a chair?

[David Wilde]

I'd be confused.

[Brian Bishop]

I think this is the first time I've ever heard this song.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be, oh, you've never heard, you never heard the old or the new version?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think so. And if it said on the screen in the style of the Rolling Stones.

[Adam Carolla]

I would be like, this was a hit.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I don't know if I've ever heard this.

[Dawson]

This was played and overplayed.

[Adam Carolla]

This is when the first time it was played it was overplayed. But. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Where did.

[Dawson]

I'm using the term hit in their terms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not.

[Dawson]

It's not a, you know.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Where was it? What'd it do on the charts? And then what did smokies do on the charts? Because Smokey's top 10, I don't think it was number one. And this charted? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where, but pot it down a little again. It's like it's a super painful tooth. I have to keep flicking my. Now I'm getting angry. Smokey number 11. God damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

Outside the top 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Smokey went to number 11. And we'll find out where Mickey went. All right. Kid's mother's pregnant. Mr. Baby dad. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Mr. Brightside. Sorry.

[Dawson]

Mm, life got you down? Can't catch a break? Thinking about ending it all. Well, don't let Adam turn your frown upside down. It's time for Mr. Brightside.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm in the mood to anger myself today. Going to a go go 25. Well, I said. I don't know if I said top 25, but it was up there, so 25. Did I say top 25?

[Dawson]

Yeah, you said top 40.

[Adam Carolla]

It hits 80.

[Dawson]

That's the range.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking A. All right, now, just because I want to gnaw through my own calf when I get home, I want to know John Hyatt's highest ranking song. And you can throw Graham Parker on there, too. If fucking Go Into a Go Go by the Stones beat out John and Graham. No, I can't count Bonnie Raitt's version of A Little Thing Called Love. I got to have John sing it. Okay. All right. Where are we? His wife left him.

[Brian Bishop]

People are going to give you horrible, real scenarios in their life. You will tell them the real right side.

[Adam Carolla]

That is good pod, baby. I did not set it up.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't do this every time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. No, no, you're. You're right. You know, I'm laughing. I'm laughing at fucking dumbo Drew. You know how Dr. Drew does horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

This is not how the game is played.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. You know, he does. He does horrible radio and everything. He likes to, like, you know, take his keys and, like, jingle them and do this stuff. He. He's also the guy, like I said, when the person.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not super Mike aware.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but he's only been. All right, John High, number eight. Slow turning Good.

[Brian Bishop]

That's something.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Any other song past that? We can keep looking. Look for Graham, too. So he. We did. We did our podcast the other whatever, and he had a guest, and it was one of these things where the guest. And, you know, Drew's old. My old manager is Drew's current manager, so it's always a little. It's uncomfortable. It's like the old girlfriend coming along when you and the wife are going somewhere. It's got that element to it. I was in no mood, and he brought the guest on, and then he said, oh, and the attorney's coming on, too. And I was like, what? Who? And some Guy was sitting there and Drew sort of booked it, didn't tell me and everything. So every, every 55th show, we still do it on Loveline too. I just kind of get pissed off and lean back and just go, let's let Drew. Let's let the guy split the money with 50. 50. Let's let him do. Let's do, Let him do the show. Just let him. And we were doing. Hasn't aired yet. Who was a comedian, Gary? I can't remember. He'll tell me in a second. Anyway, Fred Stoller. Yeah, Fred Stoller. That's right. Fred Stoller and his attorney were on. I didn't want Fred Stoller's attorney on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

Why was his attorney on?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

You're a great double act.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just one of these things. And I didn't feel like. Anyway, so he's just sitting there in a suit, not saying anything, and I'm like, I'll let Drew do what Drew does. And at a certain point, 10 minutes into the show, after being silent the entire show, his attorney like leaned in and went, well, I've advised Fred to. And of course anyone listening would not know who this person was because I didn't say, here's who's joining us on the show. And of course Drew didn't either. Cuz why would Drew do his fucking job for 10 seconds? And nothing. Just a voice came on 10 minutes into the show. It was not set up at all, as a matter of fact. Find that thing, Gary, if that's humanly possible. The point is, I know you're doing a thousand things. The point is I, who was protesting the show, said, fuck it, I'm not gonna say who that is. And I didn't say who it was. And Drew, the co host of the show, didn't say anything either. And then Fred Stollers, out of his mind, said, that's my attorney. And I thought, Jesus Christ, Drew, fucking sad.

[Allison Rosen]

Bested by Fred Stoller.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say the final. Yeah, safety net.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred, stand up comedian, knew that he would need to explain to the listening audience who that voice was. Drew wasn't about to. All right, but that's right up there with the Sean Green wearing flip flops, shorts and a T shirt. You know this guy, Jesus Christ, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Thought he was right.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with that guy? Technically, he was in the dugout when I played a Dodger celebrity game in 1997.

[Allison Rosen]

Does Drew have social anxiety? A little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

He has something that Makes him fuck up a lot, but I don't get it. But anyway, you know better than us. All right. Perfectly good guitar by John Hyatt. 47, that's his highest. No, it's low turn. He had eight. And then his next high is 47, so. So going to a go go in between.

[Brian Bishop]

Mr. Brightside, let's help some people out.

[Adam Carolla]

This is my who versus Rolling Stones argument. Who doesn't have a bunch of that shit? They don't have a bunch of that. Strikeouts. That factors into their padding average. All right. Where the hell was Mike? Mike.

[Mike]

Hey, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? 34, Pittsburgh?

[Mike]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, man?

[Mike]

Yeah, basically, I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I asked her about it, and she took the kids and disappeared. Couldn't get a hold of him for 10 days, so I filed for divorce and custody. Three days after that, I got hit with a custody suit, a child support suit, a spousal spousal support suit, and a pfa.

[Adam Carolla]

Ironically, Mike doesn't own a suit, so he's going to buy one as I go to court. What do you do for a living, Mike?

[Mike]

I have two jobs. I'm a real estate agent and I work with my family.

[Adam Carolla]

Rich man, poor man, real estate agent. Fucking that is rich man, poor man. You can cover a lot of ground with real estate agent.

[Allison Rosen]

I assumed working with your family was going to be the rich man, poor man.

[Adam Carolla]

That covers a ton of ground, too. And so if a guy says, I'm a real estate agent and I work with my family, that could mean kajillionaire or fucking not a spittoon to shit in. I may have screwed that one up a little, but you know what I'm.

[Brian Bishop]

Saying, let's do that in Pittsburgh.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Mike?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How's the finances doing? Graham Parker, 39. Wake Up Next Year is a song from the 80s or whatever. 30, 39. So it didn't make Graham Parker did not get to going to a Go Go remake.

[Brian Bishop]

Barry edged onto the top 40.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, so, Mike.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Were you in love with your wife?

[Mike]

Was.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And we say took the kids. Does that mean she's taken off with the new dude?

[Mike]

I have no idea. I haven't been able to get a hold of her for two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're hit with a bunch of paperwork.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, I always say this. If I were speaking to her, what would she tell me about you?

[Mike]

She. Well, probably said that I'm a great dad. And.

[Adam Carolla]

She hung like a paint can. What else Is there to say?

[Mike]

She bitched that I didn't make enough money, so I went out and got a second job, and then I was gone too much. So there was a no. 1 situation. She was just always miserable about finances.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. All right. Are you going to miss her or are you going to miss the kids or both?

[Mike]

The kids. Her. Not at all the kids. I'm devastated because I haven't seen my son and my daughter in two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. I think I can spin this one. You know, for me, I've been dumped, and I've dumped people in my life, and it's always devastating. I don't wish it upon anybody. But destroying someone's life, breaking their heart to me, I just couldn't get over that. If there was a woman in my life and I didn't particularly like her and she left, I'd be kind of happy about that. I would be. The alternative is you don't particularly like her. Maybe not that attractive or whatever. And she's wildly in love with you. And she does one of those things where she goes, this time next year, me and you Mauing fucking want to put a pistol in my mouth? So the part where you don't like her and she's gone, that's good thing. The part where your kids are gone, that's a bad thing. But your kids will come back. I mean, you can. The courts will see to that. Also, the way dad's role in life, sadly, I do believe the mom needs to be there every day. It's just that much more important to the kids. The dad needs to be there. But once you remove the providing part from that equation. So what the dad does traditionally goes out, works all day. In this case, two jobs. You don't get to spend a ton of time with your kids when you work two jobs anyway. And then you become. On the weekends, you coach the soccer team or you take them to the whatever. And if you think about it, you can stay home, avoid the shrew of the wife who's cheating on you, and still be the weekend soccer coach with the kids. You just get the bitch out of the house. The kids are out, too, but you're only seeing them on the weekend soccer coachy thing anyway because your crazy work schedule, travel, whatever, whatever. So in a way, this is win, win, Mike.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, think of the pity sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. Think of the pity sex.

[Mike]

Well, I turned her favorite pair of slippers into a homemade flashlight.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir Walter Raleigh of Pittsburgh.

[Brian Bishop]

Mike, you don't have to say homemade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we know you didn't send it out.

[Mike]

Rubber glove and a little lube and a cup and I was good to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, believe me, by the way, modern voodoo doll like, ah, my crotch. She's just sitting at lunch with a friend. Ooh.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my foot. It feels crunchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking at my foot, my ass. Weird. Also. That'll learn her. Yeah, my grandpa did the same thing when his first wife moved back out. That was back in Hungary. That was in the mid-30s, but still.

[Brian Bishop]

They're wooden shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Men were tougher back then. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Last splinter.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was worth it. That's right. That's why those Europeans aren't. They go uncut. The Dutch, they got to deal with those shoes.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a protective barrier.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you got an. You got a new fuck buddy named Ugg.

[Allison Rosen]

Two of them, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, one's just kind of on reserve. You can't play them both at the same time. First one blows out a heel or tears an acl, you bring, you know, you go to the bench. A very strong batch. Next slipper up, as they say. And so you got a new fuck buddy named ug, the cheating bitch has moved out of the house, and you get to coach your kids on the weekend. And by the way, you'll be the hero. You'll always be the hero because the three kids will blame mom. For what?

[Brian Bishop]

How old are the kids? I don't know if asking that.

[Adam Carolla]

They're four, nine, and the four, six and nine.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. How old are the kids, Mike? Five and one. Oh, I thought there were three of them. The three all together. Okay. Okay.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Now, look, just in case. When you're fucking one slipper, do you supplement that with pornography? Or is that gilding the lily, as you would say?

[Mike]

No, I bust out the porn and, you know, do my thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, this is not a fetish.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a receptacle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I was wondering that too. Like, is he wearing the shoe on his penis or just coming into it? Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, obviously, you got to break it in. I have a guy to break mine in. We make sure a cockser should have copacetic.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, the interview process is rough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I use. I use one of those gauges they use to check if the crab is the right size before they toss it in the bucket or throw it back. You know, a little different, you know, to make sure we break it in the same way. I want him to hog it all out, and then I'm just You know, bouncing around in the thing. I got one sock and a dryer. You know what I'm saying? I don't need that. We've all been through that. We're not going down that road.

[Brian Bishop]

Never again. Not going through that nightmare again.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, thanks, Mike. All right, we have me and Drew and Fred Stoller's clip. I remember your act from back in the day. So evening at the Improvs, or. Yeah, there used to be a ton of. It was like, jury duty. There was the Rosie o' Donnell one. There was Mario Joyner had one. Yeah. Fred, you were on the very last HBO video. His attorney. It wasn't the last with David Spade. I mean, that's the biggie for you. Okay, we'll talk. That's David Albert Pierce, my lawyer. I was waiting to see if Dr. Fuck and Drew would do something that was halfway professional and say who that was, but it turns out it's you, Fred, who has to explain who that voice is, even though you don't co host the show. Very interesting. Yeah, it's. I guess I spoke my mind in front of Drew. Just hanging back, letting Fred Stoller set it up. All right, let's see. Sex with women. His mom. His mom calls him twice a week. I think I'll work with this one. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, good point. Line five, Pat Boston, 26, distinction.

[Mike]

Adam, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Doing well. What's happening?

[Mike]

Not much. I'm going to be out in Chicago next week to see your show, so I'm excited about that.

[Adam Carolla]

You go on the early show or the Late Show?

[Mike]

No, the Late Show. The early show was sold out, but I figured you'd be lubed up for the second show. It might be a little looser.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I will be. And I'll be at Lincoln park, by the way, Binny's, if you want to come out and say hi. Before that, have a nice bottle of Mangria.

[Mike]

Yeah, I've been actually dying to get some Mangria. They don't ship it up to Vermont or Massachusetts.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. It's 2014. I told you guys. But I don't know. A year and a half ago, I was talking to some guy on a plane about it, and he's like, well, I'm in Massachusetts, so we can't get it because they won't ship it over the Internet. There's laws. But I know a guy in Connecticut, and I can go over there, and it's like, what year is it? Is it 2014 or isn't it you know what I mean? Like, I do feel. I feel like on one hand somebody says, I went, I told you, I took my son to see the Endeavor, the space shuttle. And I stood under that motherfucking thing and I looked at all the ceramic tiles, the heat shields and the thing, and I just fucking looked at that thing. £178,000. And the thing's just gliding in from outer space. And it's, you know, it's coming from outer space and it's going to hit a dot on the map in the middle of the Mojave Desert. And it's not under its own power, it's just gliding the entire way. And he just flares it a little at the end and comes down soft as a pillow. And I think, God damn. And this thing's retired. This is retired. We're done with this. And I'm just staring at the fucking majesty of it. They also had an SR71 Blackbird, which was a, a plane, spy plane from the 60s that flies faster than a bullet. And I'm like, fuck, we are technologically advanced. Like, this is insane how flying at Mach 3 plus whatever, insane, the technology involved with this stuff. And then I hear about these laws. There's a nice picture of the SR71 Blackbird, and I just think, what? Why? The guy who's sitting next to me is a 40 something year old adult in first class who wanted a bottle of Mangria, but it's like he had to go to the Connecticut border. He knew a guy or whatever it was. And it's like, why? And then how is it working out in the other 38 states? Just anarchy, just on fire. People running in the street, drunk, bashing people over the head with empty bottles. I mean, what's the difference?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'm all for state rights. Like if the residents of some state decide they don't want this law or they do want pot or they don't want this or that, that's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Brian Bishop]

But who doesn't want liquor to be able to be allowed to be shipped to your state?

[Adam Carolla]

But it's sold there.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you're not banning it, you're just putting some bizarre restriction.

[Allison Rosen]

And the people who sell it there might not want it to be sold over the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, there's, look, there's somebody's mobbed up that somebody's not getting paid. Somebody doesn't make. If you ship Mangria to them from Southern California, the state's not getting whatever or Whatever union's not getting, whatever. But at a certain point when you get to. Well, more than half the other states are engaged in this thing and it seems to be working out quite nicely. And you can go on the Internet in Massachusetts, I'm guessing, and go to Amazon and buy. Fill in the blank and they'll ship it to your house. It's the big difference. You can order fucking pizza. That's not good for you. But you could order a pizza and they would bring it to your house. Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like time for Mangria drone delivery.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Why not? Why not? Everybody. But it just bothers me because it's 2014. There's people like, I would like to try, but I can't because we can't get it in the, you know, or the. Just the insane in Manhattan, the supermarkets. The whole food sells beer, but it doesn't sell wine. You gotta go to the wine store.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just, I don't know, evolve states.

[Adam Carolla]

Please, everybody.

[Mike]

Pat.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, no problem. And I'm gonna pack light so I can bring back, you know, at least eight bottles with me. So we're good there.

[Adam Carolla]

Shrewd.

[Mike]

So, yeah, I just want to talk about my mom, who calls me, you know, a couple times a week. I probably only answer one time a week. And she's always asking for, you know, she'll do a thing where she'll do some small talk and, you know, ask me how my day has been going. And finally she gets to the point where she tells me she's got $5 left in her checking account and she could really use the help. And the problem with that is she never, you know, she never did that until I got a good paying job. And I feel like I'm being a crutch for her now. And she's becoming dependent on me to send her money every couple of weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask this. Where's your dad? Yeah, where's your dad?

[Mike]

My dad's in Vermont. He's actually raising my sister's two kids because she couldn't do it, but they split when I was 12. About 13 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. And sister not raising her kids is a little. She into drugs or something?

[Mike]

Yeah, she's been a substance abuser for a long time. She. She ran away from home when she was 14. She's always kind of been a rebel and she's got. She's got three kids with three different Mexican fathers for some reason, and none of them are in the picture because they're all pieces of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

So my dad just to be clear, not all Mexican dads are pieces of shit. It's about 80%.

[Mike]

No, no, these three.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. That's what I'm.

[Brian Bishop]

Three out of three.

[Adam Carolla]

In this sample, you picked the three bad boys, right? She's a rebel. Boy, have we taken the word rebel and fuck the shit out of it. If you talk about the guys that were fighting, like a revolutionary war and.

[Brian Bishop]

Stuff like that, she's rebelling a sobriety.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we got the stoned whore. She join our ranks, like, in heaven one day when she OD's. Sorry.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. So just a quick side note. I mean, she got her kids taken away from her when she was going to a great.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you this. I feel like I would be hard pressed to find three Mexicans in Vermont. Did she fuck the only three Mexicans in Vermont or did she import them?

[Mike]

No, no, she actually. She moved into Texas for quite a while now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all coming together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't swing a gato in Texas without hitting a Mexican or a cat. Mm.

[Mike]

Surprisingly, in Vermont, they actually had a lot of Mexicans working on the farms.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Salt of the earth. Or at least in the earth, picking out shit. All right, so family's doing great, and Mom. Is mom just sort of living off whatever. Yep.

[Mike]

She's been on disability for as long as I can tell.

[Adam Carolla]

But look at you, man. You extricated yourself from that pit. You're gainfully employed and really. And your mom, by the way, you never. The worst thing, you know, we always talk about the thing where, you know, some actor's an asshole when they go, oh, De Niro was great. Redford was great. But, you know, Piven's Piven. He does his own thing. When they say your name twice, you're a dick. Right? I think the worst thing you could say about a parent. And if my kids were ever defending me as adults and they went, he did the best he could. I'll fucking kill myself. That is the. I don't know why. It's the lowest grade you can give to a parent. They did the best. That means they were fucking drunk and absent. Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

The person who's saying that has, I think, arrived at that after years of hating your guy and then finally try to accept you.

[Adam Carolla]

And that means the best you could.

[Allison Rosen]

Given your limited means, given your substance.

[Adam Carolla]

Abuse and inability to hold down a job or support your child emotionally, physically, or financially, it's the worst thing you.

[Brian Bishop]

Can say while still technically complimenting, like, otherwise, it's like, he was a Dick. He abandoned me. Abusive.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So your mom did the best she could, Pat.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Listen, she's got a heart. She's got a heart of gold.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's the second. That's the one that means a heart of gold. It means. And a fucking brick where her pocketbook should be. That's what heart of gold means. It means no gold around them. It all went to their heart. There's no coins.

[Allison Rosen]

Does anyone ever use heart of Gold to discuss someone who's acting in a nice, magnanimous way? Or is it only used to describe someone who's acting in a way that would suggest they don't have that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's. It's when you're explaining that the guy took a camera tripod and went upside your head with it. But then I explain, you know, sometimes because of the drugs and because, you know, he gets a little paranoid, but in his heart, I mean, he's a good guy. He's a heart. You know, it's always.

[Allison Rosen]

He's doing the best he could.

[Adam Carolla]

They're describing some. It's usually it's on the heels of something horrible that somebody. Somebody did. But it's never. Heart of gold's never. You got any money from them. I'm sure George Steinbrenner gave out kajillions of dollars over his lifetime. No one ever said he had a heart of gold. The less you have, the less you give, and the less people you take care of, the more your heart of gold.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you have to be destitute.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway, she has heart of gold. She did the best she could. Pat, why don't you. It's the worst. You have a good job. You got Mangria money.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Give her a few bucks. You could be your dad. You could be your sister. You could be one of the three Mexicans that knocked her up. You could be the kids that were the offspring. You could be in a lot of different positions in this family.

[Brian Bishop]

Practical piece of advice, Pat. If you suspect the money you're giving her is being used for cigarettes and alcohol, offer to put her electrical bill on your credit card for auto payment. And that way you're like, oh, I'm just paying your, whatever, $20 a month, whatever you're paying for electrical. And once you're not hitting up for money, you're paying for it and never have the discussion again.

[Adam Carolla]

Smash cut to white trash neighbor plugging an extension cord into her entry hall and then handing carton of cigarettes to her. Oh, yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that how it works?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you've not been on the fucking mean streets of. Hold on. Where's she from?

[Mike]

She's in Tampa, Florida, right now.

[Adam Carolla]

The mean streets of Tampa. On the wrong side of the canal.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Kids, run. We gotta be fast here. We got our guests waiting here. Let's see. Matthew. Matthew? Did I talk to Matthew? All right. No, real fast. What do you got?

[Mike]

Am I here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Here we go.

[Mike]

Hey. So I'm on now, is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Lifelock, baby. Identity thieves. They're shrewd. They target your checking, your savings accounts and take your cash for your retirement, Matthew.

[Mike]

Yes. That's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible, man. You can't fight identity theft alone. You need to protect your accounts. You got credit cards, Matthew?

[Mike]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

You got an atm?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you looking toward your future? You have an eye on your future or eyes? Because most people just have an eye toward your future. With one eye. What you do, I never say which one.

[Brian Bishop]

Obviously better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Because if you shut the other eye, it's like you're drunk. LifeLock, ultimate most comprehensive ID theft protection ever created. Matthew, if you don't already have LifeLock, I would be lying to you if I was kidding with you by telling you to not do it. Okay.

[Mike]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

You should be a spokesperson for Lifelock. Guards your identity and your credit. Even monitors your bank accounts for takeover fraud.

[Dawson]

Dawson, LifeLock Services can't protect you or your bank accounts if you're not a member. Visit lifelock.com and enter promo Code Adam or call and use Promo Code Adam for a special 10% discount. That's promo Code Adam. To get a special special 10% discount, call 8004-9650-3080-0496-5503-080049-65030. Network does not cover all transactions and scope may vary.

[Adam Carolla]

Matthew, real quick, what's the problem?

[Mike]

So here's the thing. Like, I feel like a normal person, but just, like, I'm a dude who's 31 and I never. I never had sex with a woman until I was 29. It just seems like statistics statistically off. I don't. Like. I don't feel like I have problems with women. I have six older sisters, which I feel like it sort of shaped my mind in a certain way. I just. Anyway, the reason I called it a Mr. Bright side, you know, it wasn't until 29 when I had my first.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she a great big fan. The middle sister was kind enough to toss him a bone. Oh, God. I was a confidence builder. There's nothing sexual about it. It was sex, but it wasn't sexual. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Purely mechanical.

[Adam Carolla]

You can turn off that way. Allison. Hey. Matthew.

[Mike]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're living in Chicago. That's a great goddamn town. Yeah, all right, well, you got that. You're gainfully employed.

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't that. That's tough because I'm in a family business. It's rich man, poor man. And sometimes I feel the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. I can only feel so sorry for youngish single dudes living in a nice major metropolis. Sigh with the advent of the computer. Because you either have 500,000 dating sites or you have a billion hours of porn. Or you have both, or you have both, or you have both. Back in the day, that part where guys used to go, I'm just not good at the bar scene. I'm shy and I'm good once I get to know somebody, but I don't have an opening line. And I'm just. I understood that part. And now with the computer, it's all out the window. You can meet anybody. There's probably a million dating sites for people who don't like dating or shopping or can't handle that.

[Allison Rosen]

You can be dating while you're fucking your ex wife's slipper.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And watching you jizz or you porn or whatever you do. So no more. I can't feel sorry for anyone. If you have a computer and you're single and you're living in Chicago, I can no longer feel sorry for you. All right, last call, then we go to break. John?

[Mike]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

29.

[Mike]

Mr. Brightside, I got a question for you. Be positive.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Michelle.

[Mike]

I got an 8 year old daughter who's kind of starting to become self aware and her mom is now pregnant with her third child from her third child's father. And I'm like freaked out that my kids are gonna end up being like, like taking a.

[Adam Carolla]

You have an eight year old daughter, you're divorced.

[Brian Bishop]

The one he had the kid with is now with. On our third man.

[Mike]

Oh yeah, she's on our third man. My daughter's eight. She's averaging a kid every three years.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you, are you, are you number one?

[Mike]

Yes. My daughter's the sunny type. She's real sweet and bright and nice and she's starting to become self aware, you know, like she can kind of tell there's nuance between her and her mom where we don't get along. But I don't ever say anything bad about her.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you. Are you guys.

[Mike]

Her mom says bad stuff about me, but the problem is that she's pregnant again for the third time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so she got a little white trash going in her big time.

[Mike]

I don't want it going on in my daughter. Give me some bright side.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, you're calling in. And I always say, just the fact that you're concerned, the fact that you're thinking about it, bad parents think they're good parents and never really think about it. And then they hide behind this bullshit where they go, hey, man, I love my kids. Don't you tell me I don't love him as I'm putting cigarettes out on him. Like, I love him. No, I love him to death. Yeah, but you don't do shit for him. You're a horrible example for he or she. The fact that you're calling. The fact that you're concerned, that's all. All daughters. I really do think daughters, when it comes to the men, they don't look to Mama, they'll look to Daddy. And this is the one. This is the bright side. Mom has a bigger influence over the child's life. And I believe a bigger influence, boy or girl, just plays a bigger role in the child's life. I play, for instance, in my relationship with my kids. I play a big role, too. But part of that role is going to fucking Chicago and doing two shows and then coming home with a sack of money so that they can live in the house they're living in. But they don't know that.

[Brian Bishop]

Dollar sign on it.

[Adam Carolla]

All they know is that I dress like the Monopoly man, wear spats and a mustache. No, all my kids know is they're home one more weekend with Mama and bonding with Mama. Daddy's gone. They don't know. They know Daddy's going is working, but they're not bonding with me. I'm going and bringing money back to the nest so they can have heat in their nest and food in the cabinets of their nest. So ultimately, the mom has the bond in terms of now. At some point, the kids get a little older and they appreciate the dad who goes out and works. And you coach the soccer team on the weekends, as discussed. But the daughter will look at the dad as a sort of template for man. The son, not so much with the mom, but the daughter will look at that. And thus all the thousands of women who were married to alcoholics. First question, was your dad an alcoholic? Yes. It was always sort of the Guy's abusive. Was your dad abusive? Well, there's the negative end and then there's the positive end. So even though this chick is getting pregnant and this ex is not a great example, daughters, I have found, will not emulate, but look to emulate the behavior of the dad. And at some point, she'll be saying to her, very grounded, non abusive, highly educated, and a little male pattern baldness boyfriend. Right when she's 28. My mom's kind of a nutty bra, but my dad was real solid. And that will influence her decision making as an adult. So there you go. And by the way, all the guys out there that are abandoning their daughters or being abusive or whatever, the fucking chickens will come home to roost on your ass. You will have a fucking handful waiting for you. In her adult years. You will be raising the kids she is not capable of raising because of her substance abuse issues and the bad choices she's made with men and so on and so forth. Yes, she's a rebel. All right, we will take ourselves a little break. You guys see the Book of Mormon?

[Brian Bishop]

You want to hear the outro?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I always forget about that. Feel better. Good.

[Dawson]

Thank you, Mr. Brightside.

[Adam Carolla]

David Larson, Cody Jamison Strand, both here from the Book of Mormon. I've not seen the Book of Mormon.

[Allison Rosen]

I am dying to see it.

[Brian Bishop]

I have tickets for Valentine's Day. That was my Christmas present to Christy, one of them. And we're going to see on Valentine's Day every.

[Adam Carolla]

I've not. You know, there are plays, there's art, there's movies, there's songs, there's what have you that people go like, Dr. Drew saw it a million years ago and was like, oh, my God, it is the best. And then there's always that part, that second wave. I don't know, it's that kind of Wolf of Wall street thing where then the second wave of people, like, overrated. Never had that with the Book of Mormon. Just every human being I talk to just goes. The best piece of art to come down the pike in the last 20 years. Take a quick break. David Larson, Cody, Jameson Strand, both here. Book of Mormon. You guys have heard about this. How do you get involved with the coolest thing that's going currently, by the way? Eight additional weeks by popular demand. Coming back to the Hollywood Pantages Theater. Nice venue. Thank you guys for joining us. Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having us. One little beef with the Pantages. Bring it. They have a. The place holds. What's the capacity of that place?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Not big Enough, because they.

[Adam Carolla]

For this show, there must be. So we'll figure out, I don't know, 1500 people, maybe it's 2000. That's a decent close to 3000. Oh, it's a. Yeah, probably. It's a beautiful. Oh, there's a whole. There's a balcony, right? Yeah. You guys could see it from stage. You play out to it. It's a beautiful theater. And then during intermission, there's a bar on one side and a bar on the other and one old bartender that moves like a fucking donkey that's been fed like an ether drip and then the other. And everyone lines up. So there's a line of 85 people on the right side and 85 people on the left side. And then when you get to the front of the bar, they're flipping the lights on and off in the lobby. And then you buy you and your wife a drink of wine. And then you can't find your wife because she went to go use the bathroom, but you'll see her back of the seats. So you start heading to the seats, and then they go, you can't go in with the wine. And now each wine costs $12. They ain't going and throwing that away. So you fucking shotgun them. Thank God I wear my batting helmet with the wine glasses. The adult batting helmet. But, like, why? In every venue I go to, it's always the same. Like, just get another bar. Could you get another bartender? Is that a union thing? You guys go out and drink at intermission? What's going on?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

You need to invent that. Like a straw that goes down your arm. So you're talking to people, you put your arm around them, and their straw goes into their direction as you're waiting in line.

[Adam Carolla]

That's smart.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Then you're drunk by the time you get up there and you order even more, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We call it the. It's not the Camelback. Call it the Elephant Arm. Just drop it on. It's 2,700 seats, by the way. How many shows? What's the schedule for you guys? On a normal week, it's six nights a week and eight shows within those six nights. So there'll be some matinees. Yeah, usually Saturday and Sunday. It's two shows a day. Is it hard to get up for those two show days after doing it for a year or whatever? I mean, is it like you go, oh, man, I gotta. This is gonna be. This is double. Not that you don't like it. No. What I'm trying to prove to Everyone is. Eventually everything becomes. Eventually fucking Claudia Schiffer becomes work. Eventually.

[Brian Bishop]

Prove it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of it, but I'm. Well, you know, you have to. You really. Some of those days, you really have to make sure you wake up and get moving, because otherwise, doing two shows in that day is going to be a struggle. Yes. And how did the audition go? And I could only imagine how many human beings wanted to be part of this and how many people you had to beat out or how many friends your dad had to have. And also. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What sort. I know there's. I know people don't want to give anything away, but just for people who don't know, what is the show about? Basically, if you were to put it.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

In a couple sentences, Two Mormons go on a mission to Africa, and then.

[Adam Carolla]

It gets catalogical after that. Yeah. So how's the idea? I mean, how many guys you gotta beat out? I mean, how long is the process? And then what do you do? Do you pick out a song from the show? Well, my audition process actually was only about two weeks. It was very, very fast. But there are a lot of guys that I saw that looked just like me, you know, coming in and out of the room, and that was a little scary. But usually it was material from the show that you auditioned with, right? Yeah.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

And I went in. I went in once. Fortunately, I got there to the audition. The director comes out and goes, so, you know, don't worry about it, but everybody's here. And that was my first time going in 10:30 in the morning, trying to sing this music.

[Adam Carolla]

And so I was like, everyone's here. Meaning, like, Matt and Trey are here.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

From Scott Rudin on down. Matt and Trey? Yeah, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I guess ultimately they would need. It's a pretty important decision that they would need to sign off on.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

They would want to probably not do, like, a video chat on that one.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Yeah, it's a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Big show. It's a big show. And then for you guys, where do you go from here once you're done with the Pantages? How many current versions of Book of Mormon are out there right now? There's something going on on Broadway. Right. Something going on in Los Angeles. There's something going on in Chicago and Boston or Philly. Well, there's three shows in the United States happening right now. The Broadway show, and then there's two national tours happening, and we're the second national tour. And then there's also one in London.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

It's not the second Rate. It's just the second one out.

[Adam Carolla]

And what will. You guys.

[Brian Bishop]

They got it right with this one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. When you're done with the Pantages run, then you'll head to.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

We head south from here down to Costa Mesa for a couple weeks, San Diego for a couple weeks, Vegas for a month, then up to Portland, Seattle, Spokane, Minneapolis, Spokane.

[Adam Carolla]

And are you there for a few weeks each time?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Yeah, anywhere from two to three to four weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

And is it sort of comforting knowing that you have all this material in your back pocket and you just know it frontwards and backwards? Or does it become tedious, like, ah, man, let's mix it up? You know what I mean? I mean, not that you're going to, but I've always thought the people want the people. A lot of people are like, oh, it's so fun. You get to improvise. And it's like, yeah, but me, you got to think about shit all the time. And then there's singing all the greatest hits.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

You know, I would say we. We improvise by looks in our eyes and inflections within the words that we have to work with. So we. You know, we.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Well, it's the rules of the game. You know, it's like, you don't get four strikes. You only get three, so you gotta play within three strikes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there. Are there any points where you go. And I think it would naturally happen where you would become really, really familiar with the material, and in a weird way, more so than the writers and creators of the material, because even though they created it and they wrote it, they're not out there performing it. Where you go, here's a moment that I think should be flipped around or tweaked or this should be injected into it. Now, you're not gonna just go cowboy and do it out on stage, but is there any mechanism. And I would imagine, Massachusetts. Trey would welcome this. Yeah. Where you go, like, what if instead of doing this first, you do it second, or you flip the order or something like that? Is there.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Well, we're seeing Trey again on Wednesday, and I'll say, you know, Adam said.

[Adam Carolla]

We should, you know, swap this up from time to time. Well, I mean, he can always just go, now, I disagree. But as somebody who's written a lot of stuff for a lot of people, they go, well, what if we did this first and did that second? I think it would work better. I'll go. If it. If it seems better, I'll go.

[Brian Bishop]

The person who reads the lines you know, or sings the songs. They probably would have firsthand knowledge.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Yeah, I think I would let it be their idea to do something like, you know, make it. Let it come from them.

[Adam Carolla]

No thoughts on it? No. You're not gonna get fired?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

No, no, no, I'm not gonna get fired.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I've now have worked with all three American companies, and in seeing the different characters playing or people playing the role that I play, there are actually quite a bit of. It fluctuates, individual variations. Right. So I mean, just within that, you could go. It works this. You could almost cherry pick and go the way I do this one scene's working better, but the way that guy does the other scene works a little better. So we're just going to use the All Star? Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Yeah, that happens all the time. Even different choreography for the different.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so that's sort of a version of what I'm talking about. Just the repetition and finding the moments out there.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there any plans for the show to go to Utah? That'd be interesting, I would imagine.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

I think that that would be a great idea, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

I think so too. I imagine the local population is very mixed on the, you know, the idea, but I'm sure some people would be really in favor of it.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Yeah, I think so. You know, if you can't poke fun at yourself, who can you poke fun at?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be a nice change of pace. Running serpentine back to the hotel every night. You know what I mean? Occasionally diving behind a dumpster or park bench.

[Brian Bishop]

Bulletproof windows are a great idea.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do a little news. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. Evoice, baby. Oh, yeah. You're a business owner. You don't have the money for the automated phone system, secretaries and all that stuff. The budget. No, you don't need that. You got Evoice. You make More money in 2014. Use that eVoice. Whether you're business or just somebody wants to seem like you know your business, you use Evoice. It can help you manage your incoming calls, call routing tools, professional dial by name directory. Makes your business sound like a million bucks right now. Only for my listeners. A 30 day free trial. Five bucks off every month. Forever. That's right. It's a long, long time. Just go to evoice.com, enter the promo code Adam at checkout. Take charge of your business. Make More money in 2014. Remember your free trial and 5 bucks off every month. Forever. Evoice.com Enter the promo code. Adam. Alison Rosen. What's happening, baby?

[Dawson]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's better. Tell us, Allison. And when it's time to wrap a bit up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So Obama gave an interview with David Remnick in the New Yorker, and he said that he thinks that marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol. He said, as has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don't think it is more dangerous than alcohol. He said that it was actually less dangerous than alcohol, quote, in terms of its impact on the individual consumer. But, you know, he went on to say that he doesn't think his kids should smoke pot and said some negative things about it. But he said we should not be locking up kids or individual users for long stretches of jail time when some of the folks who are writing these laws have probably done the same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. Well, we have a big fundamental problem, which is because we have something called alcohol, which is worse than almost everything that's completely legal and sold at every stadium and raised at every wedding in the form of a toast. So it's hard when alcohol is that thing that's on every corner and such a part of this country's fabric and part of every country's fabric, who can figure out how to fuck to make it. Even parts of some prisons fabric. It's called pruno. Everyone who can get their hold, get a hand on alcohol gets their hands and lips on alcohol. And then there's a few of these countries that don't, then they're all piles of shit. By the way, it's ironic that you take the places in some of the Middle Eastern countries stuff, and you remove the booze, and all they do is shoot each other or stab each other with pitchforks.

[Brian Bishop]

They've drunk people. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Well, listen, you may say alcohol is evil. Focus on the handful of lands and countries where it's not permitted to be used. Tell me how it's working out.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, so then he just sort of mused, well, what would happen if people could come up with a negotiated. This is a quote, a negotiated dose of cocaine that we can show is not any more harmful than vodka. Are we open to that? If somebody says We've got a finely calibrated dose of meth. It isn't going to kill you or rot your teeth. Are we okay with that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he says, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He's just asking out loud. What are your thoughts on that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's a couple of things. First off, I have to explain all the time, pot is not your grandpa's pot. They show pot. Leaf. It's not a leaf. It's purple, it's got red pube hairs on it, it's sticky and it'll fuck your shit up. It is because scientists got involved with the pot game at a certain part, at a certain point, and they started taking these things and making hybrids and.

[Allison Rosen]

Crossbreeding and that's all I ever smoked. Because the idea that, oh, pot, it's nothing, it just takes the edge off. Like that has never been my experience. My experience has been you take a bong hit, you cough, and then you.

[Adam Carolla]

Hallucinate the stuff that they have now, the hydroponic super seed, where they throw out all the stuff that's not blowing your mind and just grow it and it hangs upside down in some cave somewhere. That stuff will fuck your shit up. So we all understand the difference between drinking a beer in mescal and laudanum. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Digging deep.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm digging deep. Absence, you know, it's not like, well, hey, just booze is booze. Like, no, if a guy says, I have a glass of wine with dinner, I have a beer, but I drink a bottle of absinthe every night. Well, we got a serious problem here, you know? Loudnum.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that? Like liquid heroin?

[Brian Bishop]

The drink of the old West, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it goes back. It goes deeper than that. We gotta find out what's in Loudanum. Point is this. Today's weed is not the harmless kind of reefer madness. You bunch of dried up leaves in a paper. Like with, you know, the guy with the VW van is handing it out. It'll fuck your shit up. So I've said this to Dr. Drew a million times. It's comprised. We'll tell you what loudum is anyway. 10% opium. Here's the deal.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess I was right.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I said. And 1% morphine. Wow. See if they got it at the Vendo or Cost plus or something. I want to get hold of some of that Loudanum. I'm on it. And give me a skull and a cape while you're at it. No problem, boss.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not the good Loudman, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me cover. The Raven. Not the. You know, just the beats. The broad strokes. I don't need the whole raven. Yeah, yeah, Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I know we quoted the Raven.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I need all of it. Yeah. Just a broad strokes, et cetera, et cetera. All right. I feel this way about pot. I was telling Dr. Drew this the other day. I drink alcohol on a daily basis, but it's on a nightly basis. There's no such thing unless we're traveling or it's a weekend or football season.

[Brian Bishop]

Or kid soccer game or the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Are off at school or whatever. Well, I'll have a beer before noon.

[Brian Bishop]

Unless it's that rare.

[Adam Carolla]

Instance Instances. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

When you're traveling, which is every weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

I know my schedule back in the day and now it's not that much different. Now is. I would go the whole day. I'd do Loveline at night. I'd come home at 12:30 at night and I'd pour myself a glass of wine. The people that smoke weed don't stay to that schedule is the problem. They get up in the morning and they have a bongload and then they go drive their car into work. And then at some point during the course of their workday, they walk out in the parking lot and they blow Spleef. And then when they're done sucking off Spleef's co worker, then they'll have another hit off the bungalow. But it goes on all day. So what I say to Drew is, yeah, weed and booze, they're not inherently more whatever. But if I showed up and had a shot of brandy at 9am and then sort of went to work and then was sort of nipping at a flask at lunchtime, then you'd go, hey, somebody's got a problem. And you're driving your car in and out and you're at work, at work.

[Brian Bishop]

Right now, you're drinking beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. It's dark out, isn't it?

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson's got one and he's high. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's your yardstick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more of a tar stick, but it's a yardstick with a carb in the middle of it. And it's hollow. You know what I'm saying? So people smoke all day, I think, is kind of the problem. Like I would say, with the weed. I would not have an issue with it at all if people did that. I get up, I go to work, I take care of business. And then that night when I come home, I turn on sportscenter and I light a joint and I unwind.

[Allison Rosen]

Decriminalizing it might create more people who treat it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think decriminal. I don't.

[Mike]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this a million times. There's some people that smoke weed. There's some people that don't smoke weed. There's Dawson, who's actually eating handfuls of weed from a garbage bag right now. True.

[Dawson]

100% true.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's Brian. He doesn't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I'm fine with it. I'll do it on occasion. I'm not really judging or against it. It's just not my scene. But my dad doesn't smoke weed. Dawson smokes weed. We all have friends who smoke weed. We all have friends that don't smoke weed. We have friends like my buddy Ray, who should smoke weed, but instead he chooses to drink. Who do we know amongst all the people that we can think of that smoke copious amounts of weed or never smoke weed are going to change their mind based on whether this thing is legal and available and sold, you know, over the counter at the corner, whatever, and taxed and whatever. Or you have to go down to the park with Dawson and get the weed. Who. This is my whole thing in life. When I see the fucking click it or ticket banner on the electric freeway sign, I go, what percentage of people aren't wearing a seatbelt right now? And then what percentage are going to be moved to put on their seatbelt? Oh, yeah. I didn't get the gong that was going on in my car constantly. That wasn't enough. The placard that was lit up and flashing, that wasn't enough. Now what percentage of people are we really talking about? If pot was legal and free tomorrow, would you start smoking it?

[Brian Bishop]

That'd be a great addendum to the law, though. It's legal, but you have to go out to the park with Dawson to get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Would you start smoking it tomorrow if it was free or just legal? You just go the corner and buy.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but. No, I'm not interested either.

[Adam Carolla]

Not interested. All right. I don't drink grape soda. I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you're missing out, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have a problem with it. It's legal. It's around for me.

[Brian Bishop]

It's waking grape.

[Adam Carolla]

But honestly, good one. Go to any supermarket or convenience store and walk past all of the things that aren't for you. They got the porno section with the porno mags. Over there, some will sell cigars and things like that. Behind the guy will be an array of puzzles and slushies and Lowrider magazine and whatever the fuck else. You just walk past it, you go to the back, you grab your fucking Snapple or whatever you want, whatever you want in there to buy. And you don't ever sit there and go, man, the Clamato's winking at me. Shit, that's available. I could buy that, walk out of there and drink in the parking lot. Right? No, you just. You don't want it. It's not your thing. So if it ever stopped anybody you knew, or vice versa, there's nobody I know who's been sitting around, or I shouldn't. Same argument. But there's no one I know who's been sitting around poised to smoke weed, waiting for the government to give them the thumbs up so that they could finally try marijuana. And I don't think it's the other way around either.

[Dawson]

I agree with you. Me and my friends, when we were talking about the legalization of marijuana, we were at wondering how it was gonna change our lives. And we're like, wait a minute. Do you have any problem getting or smoking pot now?

[Mike]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Nobody I've ever met for the last 20 years who smoked pot had a problem getting pot because they got pot every single day. I'll take it a step further. I believe that if you're a landowner and you pay taxes on that land, the same right you would have to grow Roma tomatoes in your backyard. The same right, you'd have to grow fucking pot plant in the backyard, your land.

[Dawson]

That's how we kill the cartels.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how you do it. All right? Now, if you want to take tomatoes, yes. Throw tomatoes, yes. No. If you want to grow your Roma tomatoes and then go out to the curb and go, I'm selling Roma tomatoes, I do believe the government, then. I don't really want them getting involved, but they have the right then to go, we don't know if those are clean. We don't know how they were processed. You're not paying taxes on them. Like, okay, we gotta get involved with this. But if you just wanna grow your own Roma tomatoes to put in your own salad as a homeowner, that's fine. You can't run down the street throwing them at people and you can't sell them. And the same way, and I agree, put the Mexican drug cartels out of business. Just let everyone who has land grow pot plant. Or even if you have an apartment, grow, pot, plant. If you then distribute it or sell it or attempt to sell it like anything else, the man will have to get involved.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you guys think? Where are you with this one?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

We just got down here from San Francisco, and you have no weed up there. Three smells when you walk through San Francisco. Patchouli, Patchouli, weed and weed.

[Adam Carolla]

The three. Wow. Weed and weed. Yeah.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

I'll tell you what, they were great audiences because they were probably 75% high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And what is the government ever really been successful at doing anything in terms of leading people a direction they didn't want to go? You know what I mean? People want to get high, they want to get altered. Some people want to have a glass of wine. Some people want a bongload. Let's understand that and then move forward. Okay, so we understand that this is going to be a part of people's lives. They're going to participate in this activity. So let's figure out a way to tax it. Let's figure out a way to make it safe. Let's put laws on the book that says, look, if you're driving drunk, you're going to be in a problem. And if you're driving altered or impaired with marijuana, there's going to be an issue. But if you like to do it in the privacy and safety of your own home, then that's your business. That's kind of what the country's about, isn't it?

[Allison Rosen]

But if they. Are you in favor of legalizing the other drugs?

[Adam Carolla]

I am in the sense that I do feel like people will get their. The people that want to do coke will get their hands on coke, and the money instead will go to the. Either goes to Al Qaeda or it goes to the cartels that put the heads in the duffel bags. And we don't get a nickel worth of tax revenue on it. We have the whole vice tax thing on it. And then it's been stepped on with baby laxative or whatever the fuck's been put in there anyway. So I am. I would like to. I would like to raise my kids. I'll put it to you this way. I have twins or triplets. I can't remember. I've had half a beer.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you have two of them. Two bears, twins, children.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Right. And I would never rely on the government keeping drugs and. Or anything that was bad away from them. That's. That's never going to work. Is that ever gonna work? I'm not gonna rely on the government. You're the Worst parent in the world. If you go, I'm gonna let the government take care of your healthcare. I'm gonna let them provide for you. I'm gonna let them provide for your future. You can retire with them, and they'll be in charge of whether you are an alcoholic or pothead or junkie. Don't worry. The government's gonna handle it. They fuck everything up they touch. So as a parent, I'm gonna explain to them, there's daddy's medicine. You can find it at stores called the liquor store. It's on every corner. It'll be every France sorority party you go to. There may be cocaine. There may be marijuana. There may be all these things. Is it going to kill you? No. Can you try it? I can't stop you from trying it. If you want to make a life out of it, it's going to be a difficult life, and it'll be up to me and my trophy wife to really shape them. It'll be up to me and Lynette to prepare them for that, but it'll be the same way I'll try to prepare them. Every fucking time I pass an In N Out burger, I want to pull in and just grab a double, double like I just do. It's that good. But you go, geez, but you can't do that. You can do it, you know, once in a while, but you can't just do it all day, every day.

[Brian Bishop]

Imagine if that In N Out burger was made of herring. How badly you'd want to pull off the road then.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if it could get any higher than what it is now any more.

[Brian Bishop]

Any more addictive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You go with the Edgar Allen Poe. That's extra Loudnum. But that's. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Second Poe reference in this podcast now.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to drop the. They know what you're talking about. It's like animal style. Yeah. Raven style. Keep going.

[Dawson]

I may have to bring up Alan Parsons.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson's on a roll. Yeah. Look, when has it ever worked? When's the prohibition ever really worked?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, never.

[Adam Carolla]

And I understand the. As a government, we go. Well, we don't want to condone. Well, there's a lot of stuff out there that we. That is accessible, legal, that we don't want our kids doing. It's just out there.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think whether we're talking about making something illegal or talking about taking something illegal and decriminalizing it, you just have to look at what are we doing right now and is it working and having the drugs Be illegal. That's not working.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, how's it work? It doesn't work. The prisons are filled with. It just doesn't work. So I think sociologists will study this little span of 100 years and go, what the fuck were they thinking? Because we tried Prohibition and we got Al Capone and the Kennedys. So now what? It didn't work out. Out. It didn't work out. Certain people got rich, other people made it in their bathtub. That's what it created. All right, let's do another one.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'd be remiss if I did not mention that one of the co creators of Facts of Life, a show important, near and dear to all of our hearts, but mostly mine, died. He was 92. His name was Ben Starr. He also was a co creator of Silver Spoons. And he wrote for a bunch of stuff. He wrote for all in the family, different strokes, Mr. Ed, the Andy Griffith Show, Petticoat Junction, your favorite. The Brady Bunch, Chico and the Man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Quite a prolific guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Brady Bunch. Most overrated piece of shit. I can't think of something that was worse, that was seen by more human beings and woven into the fabric when it was such a creative, just piece of shit.

[Brian Bishop]

I have no.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you gonna sit by and take this?

[Brian Bishop]

I have no nostalgia for these old shows. Were any of them good?

[Adam Carolla]

Ironically, the Partridge Family was not bad, but it's never played in syndication.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

A lot of those shows, as you watch them today, don't hold up to today's comedy, I guess, right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing about it. There's not even comedy. There's almost zero comedy there. But you remember every episode. But it was insane. It's like we're in prison and we had nothing else to watch. It was. We were like, oh, yeah, we all remember Marcia getting hit in the nose with the football. And then she had a big night, big prom night or whatever. And it was like, that's so fucking thin. It was so bad. Everything about it was bad.

[Allison Rosen]

What was the name of the song that Greg sang?

[Adam Carolla]

It's Johnny Bravo.

[Allison Rosen]

I think so. Rainbows.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they came together. They came together as the silver platters. It sounds boring as hell, but go ahead. Wait a minute. Who is that? It sounds boring as hell, but go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Robert Blake. Not on this show, but Robert Blake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that is Blake. Yeah, that is on this show, but.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, no, he wasn't a guest on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's. Oh, it was from someone from his Piers Morgan interview.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's Piers Morgan, Right. They had the episode where they wanted to buy their parents an engraved silver platter for their 10 year anniversary and they called themselves the Silver Platters and they sung, we're going to have to figure out the. Keep on, keep on, keep on dancing all through the night Gotta keep on, keep on. I mean, I don't know. It's gay. I don't know that, but whatever. I mean, I know the coupon part, but you know, that's the heterosexual part of the song. But doing it right, gotta. There's like keep on moving, keep on grooving. Like it's like what you'd write on a, on a napkin at your high school or junior high cafeteria. Like if you get. We're gonna sing that song. You know the words. I don't know. Johnny Bravos. I don't. I. I don't know Johnny. That was when Greg stepped out from the Silver Platters to go do his old thing. Find that song.

[Allison Rosen]

Me and David are saying it's a sunshine day.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a sunshine day. Yeah. That was a lot of that. Had a lot of sunshine day. Right. That. A lot of, of Sesame street to it. Like sort of opening to the Sesame Street. Oh, a couple of hits. You know, I think I've turned the corner on these kids. There's a lot of talent there. Yeah. And Peter's voice was changing. He had.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Either. David. We'll just do the part where we.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

Take a while to get there.

[Adam Carolla]

I can wait. There we go. Gotta keep on, keep on, keep on keep on keep on dancing on through the night Gotta keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right Gotta keep on, keep on keep on moving Gotta keep on, keep on keep on grooving. That's all I got. Yeah, it's a hit. Awful lot of honkies in here. Yeah. Peter's voice.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you expect this kind of musical merriment in Book of Mormon?

[Adam Carolla]

Just about. As I recall, Peter's voice was screwed up because he got a bad load when he was. Oh, the producer. That's how I read it. I could have been puberty. I thought he was sucking off a producer to get the gig.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the subtext.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I thought. But you know, when you're young, sometimes your imagination. Anyway, his voice was cracking because he was hitting puberty and so he couldn't keep on.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

What do you think's worse for puberty? Voice cracking or acne?

[Adam Carolla]

Acne, I think. Although today, no excuse. Right. They got all the antibiotics and all those commercials.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that for young kids? Though like 12, 13. Puberty. Or is that for like teenagers? I'm sorry, just talking a lot.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

After the water, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, West Virginia and at Sunshine.

[Allison Rosen]

Just a bit of trivia. Do you remember the name of the act that won first place in this contest?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know we brought it up earlier. Is it Limp Bizkit?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Patty's Prancing Poodles.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, it was like. It was. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

A dog act.

[Adam Carolla]

Every fifth episode from every shitty show from the 70s. They needed some money and then there was a talent show. By the way, I don't know where these talent shows. And the grand prize is whatever they need to get whatever amount of money.

[Allison Rosen]

Emmett Otter's Drug Band Christmas had a talent show for anyone who gets that. They'll know what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so they would go, well, you gotta enter the talent show. And then that was the entire episode. But what are these non school related talent shows? Have you guys come across many of these?

[Allison Rosen]

I've never ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever been down to the local library and went, I'm sorry, We got the talent show on tonight. Random talent show tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

Kevin Keaton is hosting. No.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Doesn't exist. All right. Where the hell were we? Ah, legalzoom baby. These guys are talented. They should be in a show. You want to get your life organized? Start a business. Whatever you like. LegalZoom.com get organized. Last will and the testament there Living trust. Protect your assets, your family. Get a little something called peace. Oh mine now if I was doing a talent show, I would sing that Boston song. Peace of mind. Start a business. Legal Zoom can help you launch your dreams, save a ton of money and time. They've helped start over a million businesses. By the way, they've earned an A from the Better Business Bureau. So they gotta be good. Legalzoom step by step process was created by a team of experts in law and technology.

[Dawson]

Dawson LegalZoom is not a law firm but can connect you with a third party attorney and provide you with self help services for special savings. Enter Adam in the referral box to check out. Please don't let another month go by before you take care of these things for your family and business. From from wills to business formation, trademark applications, powers of attorney and even bankruptcy help. Go to legalzoom.com Nice job.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home. Logo.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Tip it. Cunts. Vaginas correlate to hate.

[Dawson]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

If you. I'm not done with the fucking Brady Bunch, if you want to know. You know, well, maybe you're being a little harsh about something. Whatever. Act, acting, musical act, whatever we're talking about sitcom, whatever it is, maybe a little harsh on these guys. Maybe they were a little talented, a little better than. Okay, riddle me this. Has anyone from that show went on to do any fucking thing? Anything? Sherwood Schwartz created the show. Thank God he's gone. He can't do any more damage to our society. But did he go on to create? Oh, yeah. No, he, he, he. He went on and did Breaking Bad like there's nothing Sherwood Schwartz ever did that you went. Well, you gotta admit, that was pretty good that he went on. Did 10 years after no one's done. He'd done. Oh, the Brady Bunch are gonna play the guys from Gilligan's island and Harlem Globetrotters are gonna play the. They're gonna play the robots in a basketball game. What he did is take shit from his past and cobble it together and put them on the same island. All that kind of shit. But he never went on to do anything. No cast member. Just the surreal life went on, right, to do a thing. There's no Johnny Depp of that cast. There's no anybody. So thus, that's how you know it was a pile of shit. Thank you, and may you rest in peace, Sherwood. All right, Book of Mormon. It's returning for eight additional weeks by popular demand at the Hollywood Pantages Theater. And you can see September 5th. That's the original show dates. And. Wow. So wait a minute. What does this mean, original Pantages show dates in 2012?

[Brian Bishop]

It was here and now it's coming back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ah, I'm sorry. There you go. Were you guys here in 2012? Not. Screw those guys. B team. You don't need them. Probably Cass of the Brady Bunch in.

[Cody Jamison Strand]

There somewhere in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. Susan. I think I saw Susan Olsen in there. Pretty sure. Pretty sure I did. I think I did. So the new and improved. That's right, David. Where. Where do we find you?

[Cody Jamison Strand]

You can find me on twitter @d.larson20.

[Adam Carolla]

Cody. I'm on Twitter also as Cody Cobbler, and you can check them out on Twitter. So till next time, than Crawler for David, Cody and Allison and Bald saying mahalo. What if I got cramps? What if I had a period? All right, that was the cast of Book of Mormon. That does it for today's cruel classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow an all new installment. Until then, hollow and get it on a never.