Harland Williams + Dave Dameshek (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Harland Williams + Dave Dameshek (Carolla Classics) – Detailed Summary

Episode Overview: In this episode of Corolla Classics, featuring clips from the Adam Carolla Show, host Adam Carolla engages in a series of unfiltered rants and humorous discussions alongside recurring guests Giovanni and Dave Dameshek. The episode delves into a wide array of topics, ranging from historical reflections on Germany and East Berlin to critiques of popular culture, sports controversies, and societal issues.

---

1. Reflections on Germany and East Berlin (00:15 - 05:26)

Adam opens the discussion with a critique of Germany, expressing a mix of "crazy respect with a nutty animosity" (01:34). He references his visits to Holocaust museums, notably one in England, and controversially suggests that Germany "deserves to be bombed again" (02:55).

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "I have a crazy respect with a nutty animosity." (01:34)
• Adam Carolla: "Nobody exactly knows what [nougat] is, but it sounds good." (01:54)
• Adam Carolla: "Tell me if Germany doesn't deserve to be bombed again." (03:10)

Giovanni shares his experiences in East Berlin before and during the fall of the Berlin Wall (04:43), highlighting the stark differences between East and West Berlin in terms of architecture and societal structure.

Notable Quotes:

• Giovanni: "It was the only city I've been in my life where the architecture actually popped out at me like a children's pop up book." (04:34)
• Adam Carolla: "Over there, they don't have Angeline." (05:13)

2. Discussions on Music Icons and Sexuality (05:47 - 12:43)

The conversation shifts to music legends, specifically focusing on Freddie Mercury of Queen and Rob Halford of Judas Priest. Adam humorously speculates about their private lives and sexual orientations, suggesting hidden aspects behind their flamboyant performances.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "Rob Halford is butt fucking a guy until 5 in the morning." (09:56)
• Adam Carolla: "Freddie Mercury must have been like, what do I have to do?" (12:00)

Giovanni interjects with concerns about Adam's rambling, prompting Adam to clarify he's discussing the artists' outfits rather than their personal lives.

Notable Quotes:

• Giovanni: "You're up here blabbing away, talking about Freddie Mercury having sex with a unitard, and I'm not gonna sit here." (12:22)
• Adam Carolla: "I'm talking about his outfit." (12:34)

3. Critique of Sid and Marty Kroft and Their Cartoons (12:43 - 20:20)

Adam launches into a tirade against Sid and Marty Kroft, creators of several 1970s children's shows. He labels their work as "hacks" and dismisses their contributions to children’s television, particularly criticizing shows like Sigmund and the Sea Monster and Land of the Lost.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "They are hacks. Sigmund and the Sea Monster was fucking horrible." (18:20)
• Adam Carolla: "Land of the Lost sucked." (19:42)

Giovanni defends classic cartoons like Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner, suggesting a subjective difference in taste between them and the Kroft brothers' creations.

Notable Quotes:

• Giovanni: "You might not like the Simpsons, but someone else might love it." (19:48)
• Harlan Williams: "Bugs Bunny would turn black and then go eat a carrot." (16:59)

4. Rant on Torture and the Patriot Act (30:00 - 43:39)

Adam passionately argues in favor of torture, claiming its effectiveness and dismissing contemporary debates about its morality and utility. He criticizes the Patriot Act, equating concerns over it with more significant governmental overreach like high taxation.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "Torture doesn't work. Let me explain something." (41:24)
• Adam Carolla: "Shut the fuck up and let them do their job." (42:52)
• Adam Carolla: "Torture never got anything really. Shit that doesn't work goes away." (42:15)

Giovanni attempts to calm the discussion, but Adam remains vehement, expressing frustration with perceived societal hypocrisy regarding government control and personal freedoms.

Notable Quotes:

• Giovanni: "Your face will puff up like a goldfish streaming around in Chappet shop." (08:23)
• Adam Carolla: "I'm tired of you assholes whining about the Patriot Act." (46:38)

5. Stories on Personal Encounters and Show Business (43:00 - 55:00)

The conversation returns to personal anecdotes, with Adam recounting interactions with industry figures like Sid and Marty Kroft. He shares humorous and exaggerated stories about producing his movie The Hammer and grapples with frustrations over its airing schedule.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "They made it air twice. It aired once on a Tuesday at like 3:30 or 4:30." (49:44)
• Adam Carolla: "If you go to Rotten Tomatoes and go to the community thing, it gets a 96%." (53:53)

6. Rants on Tattoos and Self-Expression (55:00 - 96:00)

Adam criticizes the culture of tattoos, viewing them as superficial and a poor means of self-expression. He argues against tattoos that lack personal significance, especially those with cultural symbols that the wearer doesn't understand.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "Don't do the tattoo that explains to people what I'm into." (92:35)
• Adam Carolla: "It's a cop out. I completely agree." (96:03)

Giovanni and Dave chime in, discussing the societal implications of tattoos and sharing anecdotes about humorous tattoo mishaps.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Damashek: "He went to a Chinese tattooist, wanted to say strength, but it says I smoke dong." (97:36)
• Giovanni: "What about getting the theme song for the Banana Bunch cranked up?" (20:09)

7. Pro-Choice vs. Pro-Life Debate (96:00 - 115:44)

A listener-based segment emerges where Adam and guests debate the recent Gallup poll indicating a majority shift towards pro-life sentiments in America. Adam navigates the complexities of the debate, advocating for practical solutions like education and accessible contraception to reduce the need for abortions.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "The truth lies somewhere in between the crazy lefty hippie nut jobs and the super ultra right nut jobs." (112:05)
• Harlan Williams: "Pro-choice is the only logical choice." (115:00)
• Adam Carolla: "We take 40% of your money, we give you a Social Security number." (112:15)

Adam criticizes the government's overreach in personal lives, emphasizing the inconsistencies in societal regulations and advocating for balanced approaches to sensitive issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "Don't give a shit what anyone does. People say, you know, Adam's just pissed off because that guy's funny." (82:02)
• Harlan Williams: "You have to do that. How can you?" (85:00)

8. Sexual Misconduct and Legal Issues (115:44 - 130:05)

The episode dives into controversial cases, including a man having a sexual relationship with a dolphin and a teenager assaulting her boyfriend with battery acid over a leaked sex tape. Adam dissects these incidents with his characteristic bluntness, questioning societal reactions and legal repercussions.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "I was telling this to Dr. Drew the other day because I said to Mel Brooks..." (123:04)
• Donnie: "He claims that she seduced him." (127:17)
• Adam Carolla: "Shut the fuck up and let them do their job." (42:52)
• Adam Carolla: "Wow. I'm surprised you haven't heard this." (127:34)

Giovanni and Dave participate by offering their takes, often leaning into humor while acknowledging the severity of the situations discussed.

Notable Quotes:

• Donnie: "How about our next boyfriend every 10 seconds? Are we cool?" (136:05)
• Adam Carolla: "You're guilty of the crime of showing interest in them." (131:03)

9. Closing Remarks and Plugs (130:05 - End)

As the episode nears its end, Adam wraps up by addressing listener questions, critiquing media practices, and promoting his own projects, including his movie The Hammer. The conversation maintains its humorous yet abrasive tone, blending personal anecdotes with societal commentary.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla: "This was Adam Carolla show 1506 with Kiris Otanovich." (117:54)
• Adam Carolla: "Until next time, mahalo. And get it on Sa." (Final Timestamp)

---

Conclusion: This episode epitomizes Adam Carolla's unfiltered and often controversial style, seamlessly blending humor with pointed critiques of societal norms, popular culture, and historical events. Through his interactions with Giovanni and Dave, Adam navigates complex topics with a mix of sarcasm, anger, and wit, providing listeners with both entertainment and provocative insights.

Key Takeaways:

• Historical and Cultural Critiques: Adam's perspectives on Germany and East Berlin reflect a deep-seated frustration with historical events and their long-term consequences.
• Pop Culture Commentary: His discussions on music icons and cartoon creators reveal a disdain for perceived inauthenticity and superficiality in entertainment.
• Societal Issues: Rants on torture, the Patriot Act, and the pro-choice vs. pro-life debate showcase Adam's libertarian leanings and frustration with governmental overreach.
• Personal Anecdotes: Stories about fights, his movie, and controversial topics like bestiality provide a raw and unfiltered glimpse into Adam's mindset.
• Humor and Sarcasm: Despite the heavy topics, the episode maintains a humorous tone, often using sarcasm to underscore his points.

Notable Guest Contributions:

• Giovanni: Offers counterpoints and personal stories that add depth to the discussions.
• Dave Dameshek: Provides humorous interjections and personal anecdotes that complement Adam's rants.

Recommendations for Non-Audience Members: Listeners unfamiliar with the Adam Carolla Show will find this episode as a quintessential representation of Carolla's comedic style—blunt, unapologetic, and unafraid to tackle controversial subjects. The interplay between Adam and his guests creates a dynamic and engaging listening experience, albeit one that may challenge conventional sensibilities.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics, exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack. Make sure to subscribe. You'll also get access to Beat it out, the new show with Adam and Jay Moore, early episode releases and more. We have a YouTube channel, YouTube.com, make sure to subscribe and like some clips. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us. Classics Now. On to today's clips. Coming up. First, we have Adam Kurla show episode 54 with the great Harlan Williams from 2009. Harlan is making his second of three appearances from 2009, first appearing on episode 37, returning for this episode 54, and then episode 179. Despite only appearing on Loveline one time, he made several appearances on the Adam Kroller morning show from 2006 to 2009, and that carried over to the podcast. Hope you guys enjoy this clip. But you were telling me you lived in Germany for a year and a half?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Daddy lived in Germany. Sprechen diedeutsch?

[Adam Carolla]

Nah.

[Giovanni]

No. You don't like Germany. I can see it in your eyes. There's a fire burning in your eyes like a cobbler.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I have for Germany? I have a crazy respect with a nutty animosity.

[Giovanni]

Ooh, that sounds like a new chocolate bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Nutty animosity.

[Giovanni]

Crazy respect with a nutty animosity. You're gonna love se deutschendegel. Wow, I didn't know you wrote jingles.

[Adam Carolla]

Nougat. Say nougat with a German accent.

[Giovanni]

Nougat. Would you like some fresh nougat?

[Adam Carolla]

You know my theory about nougat? No one really knows what it is. Nougat is to candy bars what balsam is to shampoo. Nobody exactly knows what it is, but it sounds good. It's like, I want shampoo with more balsam in it, and I want candy bars with no more nougat in them.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. I thought nougat was a 70s rock guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Ted. Here's the. Here's the deal. Germans, I love their precision. I love the fact that they're so precise, right? And I love the fact that they make great tools and they make great cars and I like their discipline. But I've toured a Holocaust museum a time or two.

[Giovanni]

Where.

[Adam Carolla]

And I went to one in England.

[Giovanni]

What Yeah, did the. England.

[Adam Carolla]

Was a war museum. Was a war museum. Holocaust. And when you. Really.

[Giovanni]

I'd hate to see a British Holocaust camp. Would you like some tea before your shower, sir?

[Adam Carolla]

That's awful. We're kind of. We kind of wrapped our heads around the Holocaust. But go back and take another look at it for a second.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And tell me if Germany doesn't deserve to be bombed again.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. Have you been to Germany?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need to go to Germany.

[Giovanni]

They tried.

[Adam Carolla]

They rounded up Jews and cripples and gypsies and put them in ovens. They need to be bombed one more time.

[Giovanni]

Wait a second. Roll it back, Sister Christian, when were you there? I was when Zuval came down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I was actually in East Berlin. I spray painted the Canadian flag on the Berlin Wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

I got a sledgehammer. I rented a sledgehammer. You rented some guy. And immediately when the wall cracked, all the East Berliners became industrialists. They go, would you like to rent a sledgehammer and take a piece of the wall with you? And I go, $10 and you can wear my hat too.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. So I rented a guy's sledgehammer and smashed a big chunk of the wall out. And my cleaning lady threw it out. She thought it was just a chunk of cement in my house.

[Adam Carolla]

What were you doing there?

[Giovanni]

Well, do I have to say?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what were we doing in East Berlin in 1989? Here's some interesting. What year was it?

[Giovanni]

89. This was 89. Yeah. This is interesting. I went to East Berlin before the wall went down.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Why?

[Giovanni]

Well, here's what's. Listen to this real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all ears.

[Giovanni]

This is what happened in East Berlin. When you stepped into East Berlin back then, you've never been in a major city, a giant picture LA without one billboard, without one poster, without one neon sign. Just the city. It was the only city I've been in my life where the architecture actually popped out at me like a children's pop up book. Because there was no clutter. Nothing was allowed really because of the communist government. So it's just bleak and stark and the angles of the buildings came out at you. And you like construction. You go berserk for bosanzoids.

[Adam Carolla]

Over there they don't have angeline. Over there, they don't have angeline.

[Giovanni]

They don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

They don't have Bob's big boy statues. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

It is true. There's so much goddamn clutter.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's so many fucking Billboards everywhere now, they're like rotating and they're lit up and they're turning over and flashing and all that kind of stuff that you really don't see any. But billboards. Actually, in la, it's pretty much just graffiti. Billboards or billboards with graffiti on them. Well, that must have been really weird.

[Giovanni]

It was amazing. As much as I know you hate the Communists, it was actually almost like a fascinating city. I almost longed for the rest of the world to become communist because it was so clean and bleak and your mind wasn't bombarded with all this bs. But here's what's happened. A year later, I went back when the wall was coming down, and I swear to God, I walked in there and no word of a lie. A giant in the middle of all this grayness and the bleakness. It was like the girl in the red dress in Schindler's List in the middle of the city of Berlin. A giant pink Baskin Robbins billboard right in the middle of all the gr. I couldn't believe it. I was like, how tragic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, let's. Let's face it, we're not perfect. We're just better than communism.

[Giovanni]

But, yeah, our ice cream's better.

[Adam Carolla]

What were you doing over there in 1988? And by the way, how do you go to East Berlin? I mean, I don't. I would have. Couldn't afford a ticket to fucking Burbank.

[Giovanni]

There you go, swearing.

[Adam Carolla]

So I don't know, I could. Never got on an airplane, but could you? And you were going from Canada, right?

[Giovanni]

Well, yeah, it does. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I'm just saying you can go from Canada to Cuba, but you can't go from LAX to Cuba.

[Giovanni]

No, I didn't go. I didn't fly into East Berlin. I flew into Cologne, Germany, or Kuhn, as they call it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Giovanni]

And I drove. I flew up to Berlin and then I went through Checkpoint Charlie.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

To go through East Berlin?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm just asking. I know you didn't fly into East Berlin, but what I'm saying is you could just do that. I mean, you could just go into.

[Giovanni]

Well, what happened is the Scorpions had just written the Winds of Change. And so what happened is it was in the air that everything was starting to dissipate. And so there was a. You could go in there on a day pass for like, I think you're allowed four hours or something. And you could go in downtown at checkpoint, they stamp your thing, and then you had to come back out. But then less than a Year later, Scorpions.

[Adam Carolla]

German rock band.

[Giovanni]

By the way, if one knows that winds have changed.

[Adam Carolla]

They will sting you with their rock and roll. But you say that with a German accent.

[Giovanni]

They will sting you with the rock and roll. They will sting you with the venom of the scorpions.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I wonder?

[Giovanni]

Your face will puff up like a goldfish streaming around in Chappet shop. Don't interrupt me when I say Chappet shop.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta get all. I got a thousand more East Berlin questions. But first, there's one thing. I don't know why, but I was thinking about this. Donnie, you probably laugh too. I was listening to not the Scorpion song, but who sings Living After Midnight? Oh, the door. Judas Priest. Judas Priest. And it just dawned on me as I was breaking the law. Breaking the law. I was just driving my car into work a couple days ago and I was like, living after Midnight. And I was like, hey, yeah, this is one of those, you know, some of that 80s stuff sucked pretty good. But this, this is a pretty good song. And it's like loving you till the dawn and then I'm gone, like I'm moving on and stuff like that. And then I realized, wait a minute. Rob Halford is butt fucking a guy until 5 in the morning. In the beginning, though, he wasn't a leather fan. It started out, you know, like a metal rocker guy. I know, but he came out dressed in, like, chaps with studded gloves up to his elbows and the biker calf.

[Giovanni]

Is that the guy from Judas Priest?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the one the guy wore in the Village People. And as I was thinking about, he's rocking you all night, then he's banging you to the break at dawn. Then he's gone, he's on the road. And I realize he's blowing a guy.

[Giovanni]

He's Carl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's talking about Carl the whole time. Yeah, Loving. Then I'm gone. I'm gone. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I mean, well, what about your buddy Freddie Mercury? Same deal. I didn't know he was doing that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing must have been funny for Rob as Rob Halford. And then. And like Freddie Mercury and these guys, like. And even like, Liberace, like, okay, you're gay.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can't really come out and admit you're gay.

[Giovanni]

Not back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Not back then.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. We're talking about the 60s here.

[Adam Carolla]

60S in Liberace case, the 50s, the 60s, the 70s. And, you know, you know, or maybe guys in your band are like, look, man, you can't come out and say you're gay. Yeah, well, we Won't. We won't go platinum next time. So Freddie Mercury's like, all right, we'll name the band Queen.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So, like, name.

[Giovanni]

There's a hint.

[Adam Carolla]

Queen. And everyone's still like, man, that guy must get a ton of tail. Yeah. And then he's like, and I'm gonna grow this. I'm gonna grow this biker mustache. And I'll start with my huge overbite. And then I'll start riding, like, killer queen bee or killer queen and stuff. And I'll start. And then I'll start, like, min. Prancing about the stage. And I start prancing about. I start wearing these unitards. And still 10 years in, everyone's like, man, I bet that guy really nails the groupies out on the road. Freddie Mercury must have been like, what do I have to do? And eventually he just went, and I'm getting aids. I don't know how. I've been trying to send this message for 10 years that I'm incredibly gay. None of you will listen. And I'm just going. And Rob Halford. It's like, this must have been the same thing. Like, I'm gonna start wearing assless studs on them all out there. And still no one's. Everyone's like, wow, that guy's hardcore rocker.

[Giovanni]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Never had any time to settle down. Not a family man. Too busy loving him on the road. Then he's gone.

[Giovanni]

Well, you know what? Here's the. That was.

[Adam Carolla]

What about Liberati?

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Giovanni]

Time check. Dr. Feelgood. That was a good rant. I'm gonna give you that. That was a good rant. But when you bring the mentally challenged into it. I gotta put on the air brakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Who, Liberace?

[Harlan Williams]

No.

[Giovanni]

You're up here blabbing away, talking about Freddie Mercury having sex with a unitard, and I'm not gonna sit here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I'm talking about his outfit.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's talk about.

[Giovanni]

What about Liberace being the lead singer of Iron Maiden.

[Adam Carolla]

Run for the hills.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna find you, Liber.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, well, I have my candelabra, and I'll wear these crazy. I'll wear these crazy outfits from the Elizabethan.

[Giovanni]

It was nuts. If him and Elton John smashed together in a crowd, they'd blow up. It'd be like a nuclear fizzle bomb, whatever that is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what it would look like? It would look like a. Like a snow goose getting sucked into the inlet of a jet. Just be a big poof of feathers.

[Giovanni]

It'd be like two ostriches running full speed down a beach from opposite sides, full target, just hitting each other.

[Adam Carolla]

And boom.

[Giovanni]

That's Elton and Liberace when they come together. Be like a pillow fight, out of control. Like a Brady Bunch pillow fight with a dog in the middle of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. You were in East Berlin?

[Giovanni]

East Berlin. I was all over Germany now.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Giovanni]

I was. I was in Germany. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you?

[Giovanni]

I was 27. I believe that. I was over there doing computer animation. That's what I was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't you talk? I just swallowed for 10 seconds.

[Giovanni]

Well, it's. I like that noise. I wanted your listeners to hear that swallow because you sounded like a frog at the end of a edge of a lake on a calm summer night. And I felt like a canoeist floating by. And you're like. It's really kind of soothing.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're working as an animator?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Into Germany's.

[Adam Carolla]

Into Germany. And. Oh, wait a minute. Well.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no. Here comes one of his flash pods.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what happened to me two days ago, Donnie?

[Giovanni]

What's. What. How did. What.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw Marty Croft of Sid and Marty Croft. Oh, or Sid or Marty Croft.

[Giovanni]

Was he with Timmy the Talking Flute from hr Puffin.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, I'm Jimmy the Talking Flute. Tweet, tweet, tweet. I was. I had this horrible. I was walking around the lot of CBS and one of the showrunner for my show said Sid and Marty Croft. That's their office. They have an office on this lot for like 35 years.

[Giovanni]

Marty Croft gave me my first break.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the flute, Freddie.

[Giovanni]

It's hard to get a gig as a flute.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's like that. Sid, Sid Croft. They're. Marty. One of them is still in there. It goes to work every day. You want to go in there and meet that guy? He's a legend. And I said, no, that guy's a fucking hack. Those guys are hacked. Wow. I mean, this stuff was mediocre crap. I saw Sigmund in the Sea Monster. It's the worst fucking show ever made. Land of the Lost Blows Ass. Worst TV shows ever made. It's not one of the most animated shows ever made. TV show ever made. Well, it's horrible. Am I making this up?

[Giovanni]

God, you really grew some legs there.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't know. The baby Einstein wasn't created yet. Look, that stuff. Look, that stuff was creatively bankrupt. It was artistically and creatively bankrupt. It sucked. It was lazy, sloppy, horrible cartoon making. They had better stuff what do you mean? All the stuff from the. All the Warner Brothers shit was good in the forties.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. What Warner Brothers stuff? You mean those cartoons like Roadrunner and.

[Adam Carolla]

All that was superior to the.

[Giovanni]

Z Cromwell here? I gotta argue this one.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to defend Hong Kong Phooey or Grape Ape?

[Giovanni]

I want to defend. Yeah, okay. Do you're talking about how great a Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner? Every single episode of those shows. It was a dumbass coyote dropping an anvil on a bird's head. It was the same show over and.

[Adam Carolla]

Over and over and over and over.

[Giovanni]

It was Elmore Fudge blowing Bugs Bunny with a. With a gun. And Bugs Bunny would turn black and then go eat a carrot.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Elmore Fudge.

[Giovanni]

And then. And then Sweetie Mercury. And then Tweety would get, you know, like Sylvester and Tweety. Same thing every show. Didn't they ever go anywhere? To like a camp or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Camp?

[Giovanni]

I don't know what to say. I'm all fired up.

[Adam Carolla]

No luck.

[Giovanni]

Can't even talk. I'm so fired up.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie, pull up the Sid and Marty Croft. Pull up Far out Space.

[Giovanni]

Pull up a picture of me, Timmy, the talking fool.

[Adam Carolla]

IMDb those guys, those guys were hacks. Those guys. Look, we can look back on things in life and go, hey, all in the Family was a really funny sitcom. Agreed. There's other sitcoms that suck. I'm just saying, I don't think those guys are legends. I think those guys are hacks.

[Giovanni]

What about the Banana Bunch? Come on, buddy. You're probably sitting in your basement cranked up on Bugles.

[Adam Carolla]

La la la.

[Giovanni]

Look at that. Someone made an imprint on your cabbage patch.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it all got burned in. It's just. Most of it was just junk. I mean, Sigmund and the Sea monster was fucking horrible. They put a laugh track over it.

[Giovanni]

Did your mother put a gun to your head and say, watch this, you little caramel corn bastard?

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't read and I had no choice.

[Giovanni]

Well, maybe someone was a caramel corn bastard.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, anyway, the point is, I was at the commissary and I ran into him and he came up to me and introduced himself. You freak on him? No, I didn't say anything, but he kept talking and I just. What? I was angry and I just went off on this rant with the guy who was sitting next to me. He's the nicest guy in the world. He's made $10 billion. So you should never feel sorry for these guys. But they are hacks.

[Giovanni]

You seem like the kind of guy that would go Rodney King on Geppetto if you saw him.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. Now let me see what we got. Land of the Lost. Junk.

[Giovanni]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Complete and utter junk.

[Giovanni]

Stop.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, when these guys, when they were talking to me and they're going, oh, he's still working on stuff. He's got some other stuff going on, I said, let me guess. Warmed over shit from the 70s? Because there's no fucking way these guys are writing anything new that's worth a shit.

[Giovanni]

Easy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. These guys did junk. And they made millions and millions of dollars. And so did. So did what's his name? Who are the other two? Sid Marty Croft. Sid Marty Croft.

[Giovanni]

And it's all subjective, my friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Other guys. No, it's not subjective.

[Giovanni]

You might not.

[Adam Carolla]

Land of the Lost sucked.

[Giovanni]

You might not like the Simpsons, but someone else might love it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the Simpsons is good in far out space. Nuts. There's another pile of shit. Land of the Lost.

[Giovanni]

It's like cereal. You might like Cocoa Pops. And your friend might like Apple Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

Sigmund and the Sea Monster.

[Giovanni]

Uncle What'd you call me?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the bugaloos, the Bugaboos. They're just junk.

[Giovanni]

What about getting the theme song for the Banana Bunch cranked up? Yeah, can we bring that up? Somehow instead of hearing you get mad, I'd rather hear a nice Sid Marty Croft jingle.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's the guys who made the cartoons? Donnie? Which one? Hannah Barbera. Hanna Barbera. They've done a ton of shit. Listen, what about Johnny Quest? All right, here's all I'm saying. Here's all banana splits, okay? These guys are legend. Sid Marty Crofter legends, all right? Sid Marty Croft. These. They're legends. They're billionaire legends. Go IMDb them. Look at the 50 shows they've done. And finally, one good show, finding one good show. They did do the banana.

[Giovanni]

You know what I just realized? You hate children.

[Adam Carolla]

I loved the banana splits when I was 6. No, you hate children.

[Giovanni]

You're like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. You want to hang them up in a bag and throw rocks at kids.

[Adam Carolla]

TRA la la la sha la la la sha la la la la la la.

[Donnie]

Go, Adam, go.

[Giovanni]

I'm Jimmy the Talking Flute.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh, oh, Chungo. Yes. Now I will give them a pass because they were probably high as a kite when they did lids and when they did puff and stuff.

[Giovanni]

Well, what about the monkeys? You love them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're all right. All right, listen, anyway, nice old guy came up and said hi to me. I just didn't have the heart to tell him what a hack most of his stuff was.

[Giovanni]

Did his breast smell like Nostradamus's coffin?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Because he's real. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Want to say anything? All right, look, I may. Maybe I'm a dick. Maybe this is sacrilege, but. IMDbm and find me something good. I agree with you in kind of the. The big picture of things. Yeah, if you look back, it's bad. But if you go back to that time period, there was nothing out. I remember when I was 10, everything. Watching Sigmund and the Sea Monster, thinking, this sucks, but any port in a storm. I'm not going to read. And it's raining outside. That was it.

[Giovanni]

Let me ask you this. How many times did you watch Sigmund and the Sea Monster?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you assholes, when you're in prison, you're in prison, they feed you shit on a shingle and gravy that's congealed and green. You have to eat it. You have to eat it. You have to eat. You guys are now arguing that the prison food was good because I consumed it.

[Giovanni]

Well, you're arguing about being in prison. You were in your basement. You could have walked outside and played with a pile of dog dirt if you wanted to.

[Adam Carolla]

What cartoons you think were going on in East Berlin in 1971? Jah.

[Giovanni]

Maybe some meatball show.

[Adam Carolla]

East Berlin? Sorry, I'm just. My childhood.

[Giovanni]

Well, I think you. There's something else you should be angry about. I'm looking at your hairy leg here, and there's like a scar. Looks like Cujo attacked your leg.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Giovanni]

You got giant scrapes like a werewolf was clawing up your hairy, greasy leg.

[Adam Carolla]

I will. All right, then. We're gonna get back to East Berlin.

[Giovanni]

But I'm gonna know if we can come back after the. Look at that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna tell you what happened to my shin.

[Giovanni]

God, look at that. It's like a poster for the new Wolverine movie. It's like slash marks. Would you step on.

[Adam Carolla]

I will.

[Giovanni]

Accordion.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I will. Mountain biking. I will. No. I will tell you the difference between men and women in this one little instance right here.

[Giovanni]

You're not gonna pull down your pants, are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna need to. Yes.

[Giovanni]

I really have to go. Liberace.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, Freddie, just hang out and let me finish. We are the champions.

[Giovanni]

Timmy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's what happened to me.

[Giovanni]

Okay? Is this real or fake?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you how I got this scarf.

[Giovanni]

All right, well, Sometimes you get this little twinkle in your little eyes and.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what's.

[Giovanni]

If you're telling the truth or you're gonna tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

You got tell you exactly how I got these huge scratches on my shin. Okay, Saturday, I was at Bill Simmons house.

[Giovanni]

Who were you sweating to? The oldies?

[Adam Carolla]

Bill. That's Richard Simmons. Bill Simmons, ESPN sports guys. Been on the show a few times.

[Giovanni]

All right, you don't have to snap.

[Adam Carolla]

At me and Bill Simmons and cousin Sal. Jimmy's cousin Sal, Yeah. And I was talking to them. They said, how's the TV pilot going?

[Giovanni]

There we go again. Another plug.

[Adam Carolla]

I said. I said, well, yesterday we just did the run through for the network and there's no more terrifying experience on the planet than doing a network run through. That's you doing your sitcom with five heads from Easter island all sitting on folding chairs right in front of you. Not up in the bleachers of the grandstands, folding the chair open, the director's chair, and sitting right on the edge of your fake living room just staring at you and making notes on your thing. Not laughing, just looking at you. No audience. Sure. No friends, no nothing. Just the man I forgot about. Wrong. And it is. You want to talk about Harry? It's much worse than show night. Show night is festive. There's a crowd there, there's people laughing. This is people taking notes and there. And it's big. It's a big deal. This is cbs, you know. So I said. I said, what made it worse is we fired the kid. The kid that was going to play my son. Here's. Here's how. Here's how cruel. Here's how show business works. Yeah, guys. Canadian.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Little eight year old kid from Canadia.

[Giovanni]

He was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Fly him in. Does. Does the first run through. Does the first rehearsal. Then when we're done with the rehearsal, not even really in hushed tones or anything, just like, well, kid's not gonna cut it. We gotta get a new kid. All right, Sharon, call him. Tell him. Tell him he's out.

[Giovanni]

He's screwed for life.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna fly back to Canada. That's the part I love too. The guy that's deciding, you know, that kid's not gonna work out. He's not the one delivering the message. Looking at the. No, everyone's just looking at each other. Not gonna cut it. So I go, well, what are we gonna do for tomorrow's network run through? What do we do? I don't have my kid. I have all these scenes where I'M down on my knee going, listen, Eddie, buddy, this is your dad talking face to face. I need you not to quit baseball. What are we going to do? We don't have a kid. Well, I show up for the big network run run through. I'm nervous. It's a big day. Everyone's nervous. Oh man, this is the network we're going to tape next week. We got to get this right.

[Giovanni]

New kid. But he's black.

[Adam Carolla]

Worse. Stunt kid. Not that being black is bad, but worse. I'm not like the other boys. Now I'm gonna give you guys why I will never stop stereotyping. Because every I stereotype about every race, every ethnicity, every religion, everything, all the time. So I'm sitting up, it's Wednesday. I'm nervous. It's the big network run through. Everyone's a ball of nerves. I don't have a son to act with. Wow. And I'm sitting there and I'm gonna step on this. I'll step on the reveal. I'm sitting on the sofa in my fake living room next to Kevin Hench, the guy I wrote it with about 10 in the morning. And we're just sitting there going, wow. I wonder how the run through is going. And all of a sudden I see a dwarf on the other. A 50 year old dwarf.

[Giovanni]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

A 50 year old midget on the other. Just come walking in like on the other end. You know, there's crew all over the place.

[Giovanni]

Do they have curly little shoes? No, he's civilian, undercover dwarf and he's.

[Adam Carolla]

On the other end of the thing. And I think to myself as I see the dwarf, I don't remember hiring a dwarf because when we would do the man show, we would hire dwarves and midgets or little people or what. We'd hire them all the time for bits and like that.

[Giovanni]

You're hitting the W a little hard. You're saying dwarf. Yeah, tone it down a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Dwarf.

[Giovanni]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so I. This dwarf. A dwarf.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, really hard dwarf.

[Adam Carolla]

So this guy's just wearing, this guy's just wearing tennis shoes and pants, slacks and a, and a denim shirt. And so I'm looking across at the dwarf and I'm like thinking to myself, I don't remember writing anything in the script where he or midget comes running out or whatever. And then I stop myself from thinking that and I think, wait a minute, maybe this guy's part of the crew. There's sound guys everywhere, there's grips, there's all sorts of tech guys running around.

[Giovanni]

Or maybe he's part of the parade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, our little people are allowed to have jobs, right? They're not all our little circus animals.

[Donnie]

Allowed the other boys.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying maybe this guy just works in the sound mixing department or something. Who the hell do I know? And how stereotypical of me. Just to assume this guy was a very wrong and very wrong. Yes, he's so. He's 4 foot 2. Can he not hold a boom mic? No, I guess he can't. But he could.

[Giovanni]

But it would hit you in the face.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in craft service. There are a thousand jobs and a thousand different people running around on this set. He could be doing any one of a number, a number of things. It's not a basketball team, in other words. So then Kevin Hanch laughs and says, well, I think they hired your new son. And I have a hearty laugh at this. Smash cut to the run through with all the network all sitting on the chairs, me down on one knee, staring eye to eye with a 51 year old dwarf. You're my own flesh. I love you. But a boy your age has to understand. And I'm staring at an old dwarf's face the entire time and I'm thinking, I can't. I'm going to act with that. That's during the whole scenes where we're at around the table and he's facing me. All the whole network is all lined up right behind him, all in their folding chairs, literally three feet behind. So I'm staring at an old dwarf face and then just a sea of networks and I'm like, buddy, listen to me. You don't want to grow up to be. And he's older than me.

[Giovanni]

Are you telling me they've made Benjamin Buttons into a sitcom?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Good Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anybody get a picture? Yes.

[Giovanni]

This is the funniest sitcom I've ever heard. I love it. Keep the dwarf, as you call it.

[Adam Carolla]

Aggressive, which is great. When we were done, people were like, it was pretty good, but it seemed a little off. Like I was acting with a 51.

[Giovanni]

You're done. This thing ain't gonna see the light today. Forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you get a lot of notes on the kid scenes? I just, I told everyone at the network, look, it's too surreal. I couldn't.

[Giovanni]

You can. How can you?

[Adam Carolla]

And I hate to say it, but I'm gonna say it.

[Giovanni]

It's done.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never met a person over 60 or under 4 foot who could act in this town. Never really. I've done the man show a million times. Danny DeVito. Never over four foot. Never met this guy. He's a great guy. Joe was like, kind of hitting the wrong syllables and stuff, so he couldn't even, like. I wouldn't even pretend to be my son. But it was just. It was insane.

[Giovanni]

Well, the problem is they can't hold the scripts because the scripts fall on them and they get trash underneath and they're just little legs kicking out. Get it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Landed on the Wicked Witches.

[Giovanni]

Their script squished them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, nice enough guy, but listen, I was going to ask if you think him for helping you out. No, I. Acting with a dwarf was not the solution. Just getting a regular guy and putting him on one knee would have been. Or just a chick or something. On Sunday, right? No, that was on Friday for the network run through. Kid. That kid had to go through all that, learn all those lines in a matter of.

[Giovanni]

Wasn't a kid, it was a midget. You should take the midget to.

[Adam Carolla]

He had a few days. He didn't have a ton of lines.

[Giovanni]

You should take him to a Judas Priest concert and thank him. Why you got a dump on the little fella?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, we're not wor. Man and women. Men and women. We're in East. We're in East Berlin now.

[Giovanni]

Oh, wait, so we're finished plugging your new sitcom. Again, unreal. That one was longer than the opening plugs.

[Adam Carolla]

So we're in East Berlin.

[Giovanni]

You are one smooth guy. You slotted that one in like a brownie at a duchy festival.

[Adam Carolla]

Must be nice not to be able to make sense and still get laughs. Yeah. God. So you're in East Berlin. I'm trying to get to your story.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, no, I like your stories, too.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're doing animation over there. And you know how to work a computer? Do computer animation.

[Giovanni]

Well, this stuff was all pretty new, so I had to learn on the fly. When I was there, I went over for a Christmas holiday and ended up with this job. Really, it was all an accident.

[Adam Carolla]

And you stayed in East Berlin for a year and a half?

[Giovanni]

No, no, I stayed in Cologne.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Giovanni]

And I went and visited East Berlin twice.

[Adam Carolla]

And what else stood out about Berlin and East Berlin?

[Giovanni]

Well, here's the thing about the Germans. They're very precise. It's the only place in the world that they put a sign up at the bus stops and in the subways. It says, your train will arrive at 103.5.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

And that damn bus is there every time that train is there. Everything runs so precise there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

But also the German people, the best food, you couldn't buy a bad meal. Where I was, really, it was unreal. Yeah. And the German people, when you first meet them, can be a little cold. But once you get into their inner circle and you know them and they're fantastic people.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you speak German?

[Giovanni]

I was starting to learn. I have a good vocabulary, but I couldn't converse fluently. But I was. I'd hired a tutor and. And then guess what? Daddy packed his bags and decided to move to Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so now you're over there and you've been to East Berlin a couple of times. How stark a difference was there between East Berlin and West Berlin.

[Giovanni]

It was ridiculous. It was like walking through a parking lot into Disneyland.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And first, there's a few things I can never wrap my mind around. Like hundreds of years from now when they're just studying this particular point in time, can we believe, I mean, can we believe that the Berlin Wall stood for over 40 years? Yes, we can believe the notion that Nobody in the 60s or 70s went, what the. And could there be any greater advertisement against communism? Like, hey, hey, let's just take aliens from another planet. Show them here's communism, everyone. Dark, bleak, gray.

[Giovanni]

No billboard.

[Adam Carolla]

No billboards. Cars running off a two stroke gasoline.

[Giovanni]

You love the cars there and then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not on, not in East Berlin.

[Giovanni]

East Berlin, they made their own cars and they made them out of recycled plastic that was almost impossible to break. And the cars are about twice the size of your coffee table. And they specifically made the cars so small so that you could not smuggle human beings in the cars because people would contort their bodies and pretty much if they could fit in the glove box.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is, yes, let's not call it East Berlin and West Berlin. Let's not call it capitalism and communism. Let's just call them. Let's call them blue stars.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And green stars. Okay, you got the green stars over here and the blue stars over here.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone is trying to kill themselves to get to the blue star.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're having to post guards up at the fence between the blue star and the green star. And everyone is getting caught in the barbed wire trying to jump over to get where the blue star is. We couldn't do that math as a world. Perhaps they're not doing something right on the other side. When people are trying to kill themselves to get to our capitalism, they didn't understand. Like, hey, maybe the communism, not so great. Did you see anyone trying to sneak over from West Berlin into East Berlin, they just have a different way of living. You know, they, you know, they were fucked up and they should have been. Listen, here's what I'm saying and I'm saying it about them and I'm saying it now. Somebody should have stood the fuck up in 1965 and smashed them. Somebody should have said, hey, no, this doesn't work. You're oppressing your people. This is a horrible government. People are dying to try to get away from this. You know what? World unite. Smash these people. Same shit we should do with Cuba right now and the rest of these fucking governments. They're oppressing their people. Of course their people are going along with it. They built a cage around them.

[Giovanni]

Well, wait a minute, Huckleberry fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Cuba people are dying in fucking half truck inner tubes. Wanted to do it.

[Giovanni]

Let me ask you a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Mother wanted to leave.

[Giovanni]

Let me ask you a question.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane.

[Giovanni]

Let's go off of what you just said.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Did you or did you not support the war in Iraq?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I'm. I'm. For now. Here's what I wanted.

[Giovanni]

Because isn't that what they did? They smashed the oppressor. The oppressor.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Here's what we should have done. Someone should have just gone and put a bullet in fucking Saddam Hussein's head. And Qusay and Uday too. Those three fucking monsters need to have their heads taken off. Those three of the worst people on the planet. The shit those three guys did, they need a bullet. They need a bullet in their head. They need a bullet in their head and they got it the first go round. Somebody should have taken a sword and just taking their heads off. You know, they always talk about how we got these black ops, these co ops and this covert op shit. We're doing shit that people don't really know about. Really. How come these guys aren't dead? You can't do that anymore. And Obama releasing these documents about the torturing three people who got waterboarded. You can't do that stuff anymore. I have one goddamn thing to say about all this waterboarding and the torture and all people water fucking pussies that never stop crying, by the way. I feel like I'm being waterboarded by your tears. You shut the up and let them do their job. I got one goddamn thing to say to all you half of fags. Torture doesn't work. Let me explain something. I don't know about waterboarding. I don't know about torture. I Don't know about sleep deprivation or sensory deprivation or any other techniques. I don't know about anything. But here's one thing I do know. Shit that doesn't work goes away. And the fact that torture has been around for 10,000 years suggests to me it works. You fags with your fences don't keep anyone out. Torture never got anything really. Waterbeds didn't work. They're gone. Eight track didn't work. They're gone. Shit that doesn't work leaves shit that does work, stays around for 5,000 fucking years. You fucking idiots. Of course torture works. It wouldn't. You half a fag with your. Oh. It never yielded any information. Nobody ever got any. Really? They would have sussed this out during the Spanish Inquisition, you assholes. Wow. Of course it worked. We're doing it.

[Giovanni]

God, look at your face.

[Adam Carolla]

Idiots. Everyone's such a fucking idiot. Of course it works. Why are we doing it? You think that's what the CIA does? Oh, we just fucking torture people for no good goddamn reason. We get no information. It doesn't work. Of course it works. Of course it works. Does it work every time? No. Is it the best plan? I don't know. Do you fags have another way to do it? Give me your ideas. Come on. I'm all ears. Drive your Priuses up and tell me exactly how we're gonna get information from these guys. And then we'll start doing it that way. Shut the fuck up. Easy, guy. Easy. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking tired of this. Three guys got fucking waterboarded. Who gives a fuck? And now we're gonna prosecute the lawyers that tried to make the. Jesus Christ. They say the one guy had a plan to fly some commercial jets into Los Angeles and they stopped it. Yes. And we caught the mastermind from 9 11. You don't get any information, then they give erroneous information. Really? Fiverr one. Close your eyes. Find me one thing that does not work that's been around for 5,000 years. Is it all popping to your heads right now? You got shit, don't you?

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So shut the fuck up.

[Giovanni]

Easy, kid.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. I'm fucking pissed at all this shit. Who gives a.

[Giovanni]

Your veins are popping.

[Adam Carolla]

People are dying left and right all over the place in this country worried about fake torture with psychological torture. What kind of torture they do in the Middle East? Listen. It simulates drowning. So you guys see those movies where the cool guy where Schwarzenegger wants to get information and he grabs the guy by the fucking legs? And he hangs him over the balcony. And the guy thinks he's gonna drop him 15 stories. He's like, okay, okay. And then he pulls him back up and drops him on the balcony. That's cool, right? He thought he was gonna drop it.

[Giovanni]

But wait a minute, hold on. Point, counterpoint here. I happen to agree with you there, Vayne. Pop face.

[Adam Carolla]

So fucking tired of all these fucking pussies.

[Giovanni]

Let me be the devil's eyeball or whatever the hell you always call me. Devil's head. You're getting tortured. Some guy says, where were you Friday night? And you say, oh, I was at home. And then all of a sudden the guy puts a cage on your face with a rat in it. And he goes, where were you Friday night, you guys at home? And he opens the cage and the rat starts eating your face. And then he goes, where were you Friday night? And you go, oh, I was at the bowling alley. You're going to change your story?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah.

[Giovanni]

You're going to tell them anything they want to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, this, first off, you're basing this on these guys not knowing anything they want to hear. I'm assuming that if you're torturing somebody, there's a high likelihood that that person has some information that you'd like to learn. So if somebody said to me, hey, what's Donnie's home phone number? I'd say, I'm not giving you Donnie's home phone number. But if you lit a cigarette and started pressing it against my Tesla, Donnie's home phone number, it's pretty easy to me.

[Giovanni]

And when you say Donnie, do you mean that guy from the. That boy band.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What was his name?

[Adam Carolla]

Back Kids.

[Giovanni]

Kids in the Donny New Kids on the Block.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. Donnie Wahlberg.

[Giovanni]

Donnie Wahlberg.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, it's just like the Patriot act too. Like everybody. Patriot Act. What's the government gonna get out?

[Giovanni]

Listen to my phone call, dude, I'm on your side.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so tired of you assholes whining about the Patriot act and whining about all this shit.

[Giovanni]

Well, isn't it? If you haven't done anything, don't worry about it. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Why do you got to worry chasing? Listen, I haven't done anything. I've screamed this a million times. Communism. You guys, you have to live in Hollywood and you have to know all the pussies we're surrounded with. And you have to realize all these pussies and their knee jerk reaction to everything that comes out, whether it's global warming or whether it's the Patriot Act. The Patriot act is five years old. And listen, please. Pussies. Close your eyes. Do me. Do me. This. While you're figuring out what other thing has been around for 5,000 years that's not effective and doesn't work at all. While you're wrapping your pussy little brains around that, wrap your mind around this. Remember when you guys were bellyaching about the Patriot act and about our civil liberties and all that shit in 03 or 04, whenever.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I remember.

[Adam Carolla]

Now close your eyes and tell me all the friends that have been negatively impacted by this. All your friends that have their computer seized, that have had their homes taken away, that have had their kids ripped out of schools. All right, I'll give you. I'll give you two seconds. What do you got?

[Giovanni]

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. So shut the fuck up. Wait a minute. And next time something like this comes up, shut up in advance. You fucking pull smoking cocks.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up. I'm tired of it. Listen, I've said it a thousand times. You guys are worried about the same guys that are worried about the government and the Patriot act and like, oh, we don't want Big Brother looking over our shoulder are the same assholes that think they should raise taxes that don't want to pay. They're taking half your goddamn paycheck. You don't give a shit about that side of the government. Easy.

[Giovanni]

Your temples are pulsing.

[Adam Carolla]

They're taking 40% of your goddamn money. And you don't give a shit about that part. But you're scared they're gonna listen in on one of your text messages to one of your boy pals on the west side. I would much rather them listen in on every message I've ever sent on a computer or a cell phone or anything and let me keep 80% of my money.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How about that? Okay, you have a number assigned to you. It's called a Social Security number. When you're born, you get a number. That number is so they can ring you like a fucking bar rag and take money from you to the rest of your life. And even after you die, they can tax your estate. Yes. That's what you should be focusing on. That's your fucking Twittering. Wow. Jesus Christ. This town is so fucked up. All right, what have you ever seen in East Berlin?

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan?

[Giovanni]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

What else did you see in East Berlin?

[Giovanni]

Well, I didn't see this kind of outbreak.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. I would have been arrested over there. Yeah, yeah, but podcast in a While I'm fired up.

[Giovanni]

Oh, it's good to see you finally get some passion because you've just been coasting in here for a while. It's nice to see the lasagna start to bubble.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Did you know that if you dial your. Your Social Security number, have you ever dialed it in your phone?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

All right, try it on the way home.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Dial your Social Security number.

[Adam Carolla]

What will happen?

[Giovanni]

Well, let's just say this could be your last show. Give it a try there, wonderkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Patriot act.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Wunderkind.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Giovanni]

I want you to dial your Social Security number, Timmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. I got too many digits.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's the thing, buddy. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna try the. Remember those old phone joke line things like you called cost, like, 50? Yeah, like what? That was, like, from the 80s. It was like 70s. 80s. Yeah. No, I don't remember from 38. Call them to tell you joke.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's where I got the brassiere joke earlier in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Giovanni]

How about that little treat?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Harlan, why don't you give a plug? I know you're going to be at the Laugh Factory, the new one.

[Giovanni]

You know what I'd rather? Since you're Mr. Energy and your veins are popping out of your face, why don't you put a little energy into my plug and I want you to give me a plug screaming the way you did about all your horseshit there. Okay, I want you to say, harlan's gonna be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory this weekend. Let me hear the same gusto you put on that other stack of waffles.

[Adam Carolla]

We pronounce it gusto here in the States. Hey, Harlan Williams, be over at the Long Beach.

[Dave Damashek]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Bigger. Be at the Laugh Factory and, you know, I guess you can check him out.

[Giovanni]

No, do it again. And do it the way you did it. The way you did it with the whole tirade about the waterboarding. And say it like that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Giovanni]

I'm not leaving.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought that was about the same. Okay, no, Harlan Williams is going to be doing. I mean, I was gonna be trying some comedy out.

[Giovanni]

Dodd Friday, angry.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. He's. You know, I haven't caught his act, but I did talk to a guy who said it was. I. Actually, he gave it a six, but I was like, all right, that's not.

[Giovanni]

No, you're doing it wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is Adam Kuroshow 54. Coming up next, we have Adam Kurilla Show 64. Also from 2009, this is Dave Damaszek and deaf frat guy. Dave Damaszek is making his third appearance of 2009 in this episode, previously appearing on episode four and 42. Death Frack Guy is making a second appearance after previously appearing on episode 28. And this is the second of three total appearances of 2009. This episode's hilarious. Check it out. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Bet Online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for everything sports betting. Bet Online has every stat, every matchup and even live odds and spreads to bet on during the games for pro and college games. With the largest catalog of odds on everything from football, mlb, playoff, NHL, NBA and even political prop bets, Betonline has it all. And as if that's not enough, Betonline also has the best odds and info on MMA Professional boxing too. When the game's over, head on over to Betonline's online casino and get in on a game of blackjack or poker or unwind with one of their 150 plus slot games. Head to the website today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. Bet online. Bet online. The game starts here.

[Harlan Williams]

Def Rat Guy. Long time no see. What a thrill to see. How's life been?

[Dave Damashek]

It's pretty good. My dad said if I got a 2.8 average, I'd get me a new car. So I have a new set of wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you got?

[Dave Damashek]

A Beamer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Dave Damashek]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

New three series?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you checked?

[Dave Damashek]

I just drive it, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, right? Yeah, hell yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

It's three series.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's nice.

[Dave Damashek]

With the grade point average, if I got a four point, which not going to happen dude. But he would do it on the level of the GPA, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So you might get a 7 series. If I got.

[Dave Damashek]

You say if I got a 2.8 I get the 3 series.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

Which is good. That's all I wanted. I didn't. So I kept it at 2.8.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But if you had gotten like a 3 5, you could have got a 5 series or maybe a 6 series and then if you got a 4.0, you get a 7 series.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, but you know what El? It's going to be cool because this guy killer AC and I'm going to need it because I got a summer job this summer. What I'm doing is I'm being the guard at Pucci's uncle. He has a Condo complex out in Riverside and he wants someone to stay around there because people have been stealing all his copper pipes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the copper is pretty expensive and people are stealing it and melting it down.

[Dave Damashek]

So, yeah, he just said just like get a lawn chair, hang out with the shotgun, and if any copper people come, you know, just shoot once in the air. But I'm like, I don't want to shoot. I don't want a gun. I have my own gun. You have potato gun, Spud dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Spudzilla.

[Dave Damashek]

When some dude walks away from the. The condo complex with Yukon gold up his ass, he'd tell his friends, don't steal copper from here.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Harlan Williams]

Hey, Mav, you know, I don't want to sound like your mother or anything, but it sounds like you've already decided that you can't make a decent gpa. We're right in the midst of finals. Instead of drinking a beer, shouldn't you maybe be hitting the books? Excuse me? Shouldn't you be, you know, sitting in the library right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Go for that five series I already.

[Dave Damashek]

Got to ride for, you know, and then I got. Dude, why you got to break my ball?

[Harlan Williams]

I'm just rooting for you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's talk to Sheck about some sports here. Now, you've heard me complain many times how baseball season is way too goddamn.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was laughing when I was hearing about Manny Ramirez's 50 game suspension coming in around game 29 or game 30 of the season and realizing he'll be back before the halfway point of the season. Does anyone else know how insane this is? You get a 50 game suspension 30 games into the season and come back before the midway point. Really? Is that possible in any other sport?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

50 game suspension and you come back before the All Star game.

[Harlan Williams]

Why though? This is the thing with steroids to me, why do people go so crazy about it with baseball, but they don't care in football?

[Adam Carolla]

I do believe it's the records. And I know they have records in football, but the records are very sacred to the Bob Costas of the world in the. Billy Joel. Yeah, Billy Joel. But who am I trying to. Billy Crystals of the world. These guys, they're sanctimonious blowhards, by the way, but they go nuts with all these records. And why bother with the records? Because the technology keeps moving forward. It's sort of like golf, you know, the balls are different. The clubs are titanium. They're not using cat gut and a wooden stick and shit. And they can drive the ball another 50 yards. Now, of course, records are going to be broken. The equipment is better. It's almost like saying, you know, it's like automotive racing. It's like, of course, in the 50s, they were going a lot slower at Indianapolis than they are now with modern technology and all that. Just face it, you know, it's like saying, oh, the record from 1953 has been broken at Indy, and my heart is broken now. They're meant to be broken. The equipment is better. But I think two things. We love to see super ripped black dudes running into each other at high rates of speed. I mean, let's face it, we love that violence that we see on the gridiron. And those guys being jacked up on the. On. On the hormones is. Helps the sport. The baseball is a finesse sport. It involves numbers, and thus, who cares? Manny Ramirez was actually smart because he did that thing like, remember in Goodfellas when they had that big Lufthansa heist and they got all the money from the airport, and then they all showed up at the bar on Christmas to celebrate. And Bobby De Niro was like up front, he's, whoa, what's with the mink coat? Give me that. Give me that coat. Where'd you get the Cadillac? It's in my mother's name. Get it the fuck. Take it back. Take that Cadillac back. Get that mink coat. Get that shit out of here. He didn't want to draw attention. Mark McGuire was wearing, like, a spandex pants and almost a tank top.

[Harlan Williams]

Just short of cutting his sleeves off.

[Adam Carolla]

He stopped just short of cutting his sleeves off. And all of a sudden you're just going, wow, man. That guy went from a spindly dude to a lumberjack. I mean, look at that guy's thighs. You know, Manny Ramirez is smart because he went with the baggy shirt, the big rasta hair. First off, just the rasta hair throws you off because you think, ah, look, only thing he's doing is weed. I mean, let's be. Listen. A couple Bob Marley albums, you know, blows some spleef and calls it a night. And he wears his super baggy pants that go down past his heels and the baggy shirt. So you never went like, God, that guy's ripped that guy's cut. He's gotta be juicing. He was smart. He probably made it five years without us getting suspicious because his numbers were insane.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And like you say, the predator hair disguises the fact that he got the enlarged head like Barry the Creep Bonds.

[Adam Carolla]

And baggy clothes. So it's like the numbers he's putting up are totally insane over the last five seasons. But you just look at him and you go, oh, come on. He smells like patchouli oil. He not on the juice.

[Dave Damashek]

You have to respect man Ram, though the dude has lived in America his whole life. He still does not speak English.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to give.

[Harlan Williams]

What about Ace? What about the. Speaking of enjoying watching RIP Guys run around, what about Michael Vick? Now, Michael Vick is out of the joint. And by the way, I thought of you when I heard the comment. Obviously, we know why he's in the clink for the dog fighting and everything else. And, you know, now he's. He's, you know, in the phase of showing that he is remorseful and ready to rejoin the NFL. This is something that Commissioner Goody Goody Dell has asked for. And here's good news then, because a Humane Society guy met with him, and the Humane Society guy said this. I met with him, and Michael expressed an interest to help fight underground dog fighting, especially in urban areas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so.

[Harlan Williams]

So is that. Is that real? So it's all set then. So a lifetime devoted to this, and I like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're gonna fight it, especially in urban areas, because normally it's in luxury condos that are found on Wilshire and other exclusive parts of Beverly Hills. Palisades, Beverly Hills, and Malibu are usually where all the dogs. I mean, wherever you have a cluster of rich white people, that's where it is. But he's going undercover in the urban areas.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

To try to stop it.

[Harlan Williams]

It's essentially. It's a grander version of Take it back. You know, like, that's essentially what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And by the way, here's. There's a few things that need to be explained to people, other cultures. It's like, I. My nanny's from Guatemala, and they, in their culture, look at dogs as dogs. They're not family members. They're not lovers. They're not things you cuddle with. They don't sleep on your bed. They're dogs. And other cultures, Latin cultures and Middle Eastern cultures, they call you a dog. It's an insult. He lays down with dogs. You know what I mean? He's a dog. You know, here it's like, hey, it's my dog, my homie, my dog. Up top, up top, up top. Here's Jane. So when she sees my dog Molly at the dinner table, like, once in a while, I'll cut a piece of gristle off and hand it to her with the fork. And I just, I look at her looking at this, going, God damn. I would kick this dog. The dog would sleep outside. Would not sleep up on the bed. Would not. I was doing this move where I was holding my daughter by her ankles upside down and holding her head in front of Molly's face. And Molly was like licking and like. And you know, Natalia was laughing and Molly was like. And I just looked and I saw Olga with a look, she wanted to vomit. She's like, I would be kicking the shit out of that dog. So other cultures don't look at dogs like we look at them as family members. You know, I mean, and I would argue that many elements and parts of the black culture don't look at dogs as man's best friend. That's a, that's whitey's move.

[Harlan Williams]

It's amazing that, yeah, that this is where people, the self righteous, the people who reside up on Mount Pius decide draw the line in the sand. I mean, as though this is the first crime committed by a professional athlete in this country. It's a really strange thing that Michael Vick shamed the devil if he were ever to play. Now that said he did vicious things. He was inordinately vicious to the horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Human being, but still.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, your point's well taken.

[Adam Carolla]

If he had raped a 19 year old student from Morehouse, he would be in less trouble in the collective consciousness of this country than what he did with the Leonard Little.

[Harlan Williams]

I mean, this is probably the best example of your Rams.

[Adam Carolla]

Watson is a Ram.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I mean, but you know the. I forget the exact charge, but whatever. Drunk and driving and killed people doing it then, you know, isn't that worse? How is that he's in the league. It's really bizarre.

[Adam Carolla]

In fact, you know what everyone does with the pets as they go. They didn't have a choice. The people Leonard Little ran over decided to leave the house that evening to go to dinner. But the dogs, they didn't have a choice. I always love that they didn't have a choice. So you just sitting in an intersection coming home from TGI Fridays, you had a choice to get in your car. Somehow that makes you somewhat guilty or at least an accomplice in this in your own dev. They had a choice. Those dogs didn't have a choice. I love when they do that. They always do that. They do that with. They do that with zygotes and they do it with dogs, those unborn children, they don't have a choice. They don't have. Okay, we get it. They're not voting yet.

[Dave Damashek]

Hey, I saw a thing on the news where the spokesman for dog fighting, he like, he said, yeah, the Michael Big thing was a black eye for the sport, but it has such a proud tradition. It will be back and they're going to do a big PR push to get the sport back in the summer front.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, Vic, obviously a super hard dude. And that's the other thing, like we don't really understand coming from where we come from, like the Pac Man Joneses of the world, the Michael Vicks of the world, these guys are hard guys. I mean, and by the way, the worst thing you could do is kick them out of professional sports. Because. Because that doesn't leave accounting or saddle making that lead. That means raping and crime. That's essentially right. Now you have guys who by all accounts should be in the prison system and were paying millions, getting millions of dollars in tax revenue from the same guys we should be paying 60 grand a year to keep incarcerated. As a country, that's a pretty big windfall for us. I mean, if you take half the guys in the NFL and realize if they were not doing what they're doing, like you take half the guys in the NFL who probably should be in jail or would be on the dole or would be dealing drugs or would be cockfighting or dog fighting or doing whatever domestic disputes in and out of the court system, they would be costing millions of dollars versus paying in billions taxes. So we should have everybody who looks like they can run a 4540 and might join a gang, toss them into the NFL and have them start paying taxes.

[Harlan Williams]

And isn't it. You know, I always think it's about Commissioner Goody Goody Dell at this point. Do you think if he could undo what he's done over the last couple of years with this player conduct policy, it really is the classic slippery slope, isn't it, that once you start down the path of, well, we don't want anybody who commits a crime in our league. Really aren't they headed towards. I mean, now Michael Vick is the biggest star, but I bet you if he had it to do over again, he would not make the penalties as severe or anything else because he really, as far as I can tell, it has not curbed criminal behavior in his league whatsoever. True.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, these are crimes of passion and they're usually fueled by pot or booze or what have you. It's not like you go out, you know, it's not like plaxico goes out and goes, you know, I'm gonna shoot myself in the ass in front of a club tonight. No, they just go out there. It's hubris. These guys are dumb. I mean, here's what they are. They're dumb. They feel invincible. And they're not used to hearing the word know that much. And they're rich. So that's a horrible, potent combination. People that commit crimes in general don't plan on getting caught. And also, a lot of these crimes are out front of the. Out the club, get drunk. Guy pushes me, I take a swing at him. How do you prevent that? That's not premeditated. It's not like these guys are international jewel thieves. They're out with their fucking boys getting into fist fights and stabbings and driving home drunk, you know. You know, I mean, like, it's one thing if you had some sort of plan to tunnel under the bank, then come up through the vault, take, you know, open the safe deposit boxes. It's not that. It's me and my fucking homies rolling in a stretch Hummer and someone gives us some shit, and the next thing you know, we're out throwing. Throwing punches, Right?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're loaded on Cristal.

[Harlan Williams]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

So how do you prevent that? It's not premeditated.

[Dave Damashek]

He can ask you a question. It's from the viewer. I mean, it's on the email. And they want to know about you and Donnie. When you were in the fight at the Galleria, when some dudes pulled nunchucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

What was up with that shit?

[Adam Carolla]

I just finished my beer, so it'll be a good time to tell you. Donnie, were you there for that? No, to be honest, I was not there.

[Harlan Williams]

I got the story.

[Adam Carolla]

Once you got back to the apartment, this guy had not nunchucks, but a chain that was about 3ft long that was chrome, kind of like a dog chain. It was about 3ft long and chrome and had two solid chrome. Nunchuck size. Solid, though. Steel bars that were chrome, too, on the end of it. I don't know where you get these things mail order or something. And you'd swing it around and if it. If it hit you, it was like a mace, like back in, you know, the old. The old days. And this guy was a punk rocker who was terrorizing people in the. In the parking lot of the Glendale. Oh, no. Of the Sherman Oaks Galleria, where they filmed Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And I always had a beef with punk rockers because I never liked the guy who made himself look scary. And thus was a badass, like, because. Because he had a mohawk. He had a safety pin going through his nose. He was wearing his anarchy jacket. He was wearing his boots. He had a little eyeliner on. He had that Clockwork Orange scary thing. But I always knew that just under that was a pussy, unathletic guy from high school that couldn't make the football team. And thus he overcompensated. Jocks never. You know, the guys who grew up in Iowa and were all city wrestlers, they didn't have the spiked hair and all that eyeliner and all that shit. So they were always an easy mark for me because I knew these guys are always unathletic. They look scary, but they're peacocks, you know, and you could kick their ass. And this guy was twirling this thing around. No, he was terrorizing people and people like, running from them. And he was like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. And I was out of. It was out of a movie. It was him and his buddy, and him and his buddy were just like, yeah, keep moving, old man. And then they're like, fucking with people down there. And me and Snake, who's Todd Oiler, but he turned into Snake Oiler because we all love Speed Racer. And it was a very scrappy Jew. And I think Ray was there. I don't know if Chris was there. And we were leaving and we just. We were sort of watching from afar this punk rock guy who was wreaking havoc on everyone. And so we just decided to kind of confront him, you know, like, tell him, like, hey, knock it off or get out or beat it or stop fucking with people. You know, so we just. But we're kind of on the way to the car. We're just gonna cross paths with him. And then he gave a. Like, you know, screw you. You want some? And they were like, yeah, we want some. And then he pulled this weapon out and he started swinging this weapon. He was like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, over his head. And I was wearing. Remember my leather bomber jacket that was so cool that some asshole stole from a party. I'm really upset. That jacket. Yeah, I had the cuffs and the thing all redone. I bought it secondhand and I had the cuffs redone and the bottom fringe redone. It was all beat up, World War II bomber jacket. Even had the name of the guy, the pilot and shit. And it bought it like aardvarks on Melrose or something. I immediately took the jacket off and was holding it up like a bullfighter like, toro, toro. Because I had this big, thick leather jacket, and I was holding it in front of me, and I was going to smother this guy's crazy chain. And I was moving closer to him and closer to him, and he was swinging the thing around, and I was holding the jacket up above my head, and I got just within, like, striking range of the guy, and I was kind of hoping I was going to time it right, because thing hit you in the skull, it would crack. Crack your skull. And what are you doing it for?

[Harlan Williams]

What's wrong with you?

[Adam Carolla]

We used to get in a lot of those. We would do that a lot. I don't know. He seemed like an asshole, and he needed his hash settled. Yeah, he needed to be straightened out, and we were going to straighten them out. And there was a lot of that going on at the time. And right as I got right in front of him and right next to him, Snake Oiler just went shooting right past me, tackled him. We threw him on the back. We threw him on a car hood, started beating the shit out of him and took his chain away. By the way, Snake probably still has it today. And then his friend just took off running. And then he just took off running. And that was that. And then when we got back to Snake's condo, I said, snake, how did you avoid getting hit with that chain? And he said, I think he may have. I think he hit me with the chain. And he pulled. He pulled his shirt up, and like out of a movie, from his top left shoulder blade down to his right hip was an indentation of. Yeah, like a tire track going down. But he didn't get caught with the hard steel part of the weapon. You know, I got another quick Todd Oiler story. Todd Oiler got in a fair amount of fights.

[Harlan Williams]

Jesus. Were you in the paper? Local teens heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we take down rap Stallion Local toughs. No, we didn't. Just laughed. I mean, Todd got into it with Ray, and Ray dislocated Todd's shoulder, I think. Although Todd bit him in the. In the. Donnie, remember that party over at UMGads that we decided to go camping because we knew a fight was going to break out? Total debacle. Yeah, total debauchery broke out. That was like. What was it? Chris. Chris's girlfriend. Oh, and Ray. This is. This is all.

[Harlan Williams]

This is the best story of them all. Oh, no, Chris. And is this the one where you get surrounded by the bad guys?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Harlan Williams]

Take one guy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that I had at that point during the camping trip. He's like, you know what, it's Saturday night, what are we gonna miss? Everybody was going to Umgad's brother in law's house or parents house or somewhere in Orange county somewhere someone had a big house. And our friends were there to party. And when our friends got to a big house where there was a lot of booze, they would get loaded and they would tear up the house and then tear each other up. And me and the wees knew and our buddy Carl knew this was going to happen. So we said, fuck it, we're going to Mount Pinos. And we packed up Donnie's bronco and we headed out and these guys all went to Orange County. And what happened that night was first off, two good things. Ray was dating a very. Chris, who had every hot chick on the planet, was dating a really hot blonde chick. And Ray was dating her too, behind Chris's back. And if Chris and Ray ever found. If, you know, Chris ever found out that Ray was with his girl, that was battle the gargantuans. And it turned into that later on. Yeah, but not at this point. At this point, Ray was just sneaking around with her and Chris was at the same party. And at some point they took off into a back bedroom and were making out. And Snake walked in to the middle of it and he's like, huh? Oh my God. Because he was in the inner circle and he knew that Chris was friends, you know, he knew that Chris and her had been going out for like two years. And he was like, holy shit, Ray. You know, what are you doing? I'm trying not to use her name. And so he just looked at him and Ray said, snake, don't. You can't tell Chris. If you tell Chris, there will be a fight will break out in this man, people. Someone's gonna die. Like, do not tell Chris. And Snake was like, it is like.

[Harlan Williams]

An Ultraman episode of those two fight. The skyscrapers would collapse as one of them falls, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So he's like, I don't know. Chris is a pretty good friend of mine. I should really tell him. And so Snake decides, all right, I'll tell you what, I won't tell Chris, but you need to make out with me.

[Harlan Williams]

To the girl.

[Adam Carolla]

To the hot chick. And the hot chick was like, huh, I don't think so. And Ray was like, make out with him. And she did. They then made out in front of Ray. And it was quiet for another, what, two weeks? Well, that night, some other. That night, Ray and Chris. No, Ray and Snake got into it And Snake got his shoulder. Ray separated Snake's shoulder, but he bit. Snake bit Ray in the. In the shin. And he still has the marks today. And then later on at a party, Chris found out about Ray and his dad. What a man though Todd Oiler is, though. Dislocated shoulder. And still. Because he got the kiss, he's a man of his word. I think he got the kiss and then got his shoulder dislocated later on in the. But he still didn't say anything.

[Harlan Williams]

He could be mad.

[Adam Carolla]

They never said anything. Now. He never. Ray dislocated his shoulder and he never tattled on him. But later on they found out and Chris did destroy that house.

[Harlan Williams]

Maverick. Have you ever been entangled in anything like that? Minaj trois kind of thing? Love triangle?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, a lot of them.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot. A lot of threesomes.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Sometimes with, like, if you. If your money's tight, you know, you go, you and your body will get a hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. To share. Oh, to share. Oh, I see. Split the cost. Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Or like, if. Yeah, I mean, you know, the threesomes were really big, sophomore year.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dave Damashek]

And you kind of mature out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. Do you have any other questions, any emails over there?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, we have. There's some really interesting topics here that I really tried to work.

[Harlan Williams]

Hey, can I throw one in real quick?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Harlan Williams]

Because I'm a Stern devotee and they were talking about one Adam Carolla on the program recently saying that Jimmy Kimmel that you on Greg Fitzsimmons, his satellite show, that you were complaining about Jimmy and Stern and Stern and company took it as you being jealous of their relationship, Jimmy and Stern's love for one another. And you feel like the odd man out that maybe Stern is stealing Jimmy from you. How say you?

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a weird world because I didn't bring it up. I mean, Greg Fitzsimmons brought it up. He. He brought up Stern and he brought up Jimmy going and hanging the Stern. And then I was just fucking around, like, yeah, those two are butt fucking. And, you know, it was like, you know, hanging out and they're best friends. I was. I think I was just playing. I was fucking around with it. I guess that's how I took it. I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

But Stern seems sincere. Did they play that you feel a little wounded that you haven't been out to the hand?

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't play clips if they.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, they did.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they did. What did I sound like?

[Harlan Williams]

You know, to me, it sounded like you were Kidding around that you were just. That you were just going on and on about. About their. Their lovemaking practices.

[Adam Carolla]

And did they bring up. I mean, I probably didn't bring up the fact that Greg Fitzsimmons brought it up. I didn't bring it up.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, no, not really. That wasn't a part of consideration.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't have made the. Their retarded point. No, I mean, I think.

[Harlan Williams]

And also interesting, too. Let me. How about. Wasn't it originally that. What it was sort of. What's interesting about it is initially when you and Kimmel started visiting with Stern, it felt like it was the other way, didn't it? Wasn't it? Wasn't there a feeling that maybe you and Stern had hit it off?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what had happened was I. We both went out to do Stern at the same time some years ago, and Stern took a shining to me. I would say he liked Jimmy, but he loved me. And he wanted me to come out and essentially do whatever Artie's doing now. I mean, heroin, not get rid of Artie, but he wanted me to do Jackie's, take Jackie's place or something. And I had to explain to him that I had family and kids and. No, not kids, but. But family and jobs and obligations, and it was all in la. Those guys, what they do for a living is take shit and turn it in. They take cat shit and turn it into hippo shit. They take something the size of a ladyfinger and turn it into a bridal cake. You know what I mean? It's like, obviously there's nothing there. If I say I don't give a shit, then it just sounds like sour grapes or whatever, But. But you know me, right?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that's exactly right. To know you is to know that you probably don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, do I have any celebrity friends? I'm probably. Other than Jimmy, who I met before he was a celebrity.

[Harlan Williams]

Dag. That's about it.

[Adam Carolla]

But. Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

It doesn't seem that you choose people Based on celebrity, Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I think the deal is because.

[Harlan Williams]

If I. Dickie Barrett. Wait a second. All your friends are. Who isn't a celebrity?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Frat guy. I don't want to sound overly defensive, but if I made an effort, if I called Howard up and said, look, I'm going to be in New York in two weeks. You want to get together and have lunch or dinner or something, I'm sure he'd say yes, and then we'd get together and have dinner. You know what I'm saying? I Don't do that. I mean, I don't pursue it. He calls me on occasion. I call him on occasion. I don't really. I don't like to travel. I don't want to go to the Hamptons that much. I like Stern. He's a nice guy. I like Jimmy, but it's like, I don't. I don't have that. I don't have that thing where I want to get on an airplane just because a guy is a celebrity and has a place in the hand. I mean, I like Stern. I'll see him when I see him.

[Harlan Williams]

Fair enough. I'm just asking. Don't get so defensive.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Dave Damashek]

Here's another entertainment question. Yesterday was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me just ask you this. Do you know me to be jealous of anyone's anything?

[Harlan Williams]

No. It is weird. You're almost. Yeah, you have an almost icy sort of way about that. You lack certain human emotions, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And one of them. Sometimes it's good.

[Harlan Williams]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I may lack compassion and the ability to love and, you know, many generosity and many other good ones, but I also lack some bad ones, too, which is, you know, jealousy and rage and all that kind of stuff. I don't give a shit what anyone does. People say, you know, once in a while, oh, you know, Adam's just pissed off because that guy's funny, and he doesn't like people that are funnier than he is. I don't give a. About any of that stuff. Have you ever known me.

[Harlan Williams]

I agree with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. To do that. If you're funny, I want you on this show that much more. And if you're twice as funny as I am, I want you on the show every day. And I don't have any, like, jealousy or Jimmy's hanging out with. It. Just. It's not a component. If I had that, I would then probably have the same thing that made me call Stern and try to get out to his place in Hamptons. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right.

[Harlan Williams]

But will you invite him? If Stern says he's coming to la, will you invite him to your home?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he never comes to la.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

He almost never comes to la. All right.

[Dave Damashek]

Anyway, yesterday was the Upfront Awards. We want to know if CBS did pick up the dick arm, because it's not in the upfront announcement.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? It's not a dick. It's a sitcom dick. Sit, sit. Yeah, no, they made. They made. They made 11 pilots, to the best of my knowledge, and they picked up one of them, a Jenna Elfman pilot. As far as I know. And they'd probably get mad at me for talking about it, but I always talk about shit anyway and no one never turns into anything, so who gives a fuck? As far as I know, there's a good chance that we'll be a mid season replacement, which is we'll get picked up at some point when another show fails. Not a guarantee, not a lock, but that seems to be where it's heading. So we shall see. And that would be still a good thing for us.

[Dave Damashek]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

This is fun. They'll continue math. I think this is fun. Listener questions.

[Dave Damashek]

Hey, Adam. This is from Galen. Hey, Adam, you got about 15 years or so to figure it out, but how are you going to prevent your kids from becoming the next Kim Kardashian or Brandon Greasy Bear Davis? Or keep them from hanging out with the youngest Hollywood celebrities of 2025?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. The boy I'm not worried about because he's like his daddy. He's into mechanical shit and he wants to be left alone. That's how guys are. He wants to be left alone with his little train. He wants to push it around. And he goes solo all the time. He just goes into the den, pushes his trains in a circle. My daughter's got her little makeup kit. She's wearing makeup all over her face. And the thing. That's great. And it sums all women and you women so easy to figure out that before the age of three, we can figure you out. And you take this to your grave. Here's how it works. No agenda with the sun. They're both leaving to go see the horsies or go wherever the park is or the choo choo trains. And so my nanny Olga says, say goodbye to daddy. And there's my two kids, same age, and say goodbye to daddy. My son immediately just trots over to me, give daddy a kiss, gives me a kiss. Bye, Daddy. Daddy heads off, Natalia, say goodbye to Daddy. No. Say goodbye to Daddy. No. And then Daddy, Come on, Natalia, come on, give me a kiss. No. Takes off running. Now I'm chasing around. Come on, give daddy a kiss. Give daddy a kiss. No, no, I don't want. No. So fine. So now daddy goes back the other end of the house. And then Olga the nanny says, well, that's my daddy and I love him. And I'm gonna go give him a kiss because that's my daddy. And then as soon as she hears when that there's another chick that's calling me her daddy and who wants to Give me a kiss goodbye. She goes, no. And then she comes over and she comes over to me. And then Olga starts yelling, don't kiss him, don't kiss him. That's my daddy. That's my daddy. Then she goes up, gives me big kiss, and then stares at Olga, gives her the stink eye. And then, and then Olga's like, don't kiss him again. No more kisses. That's my daddy. Don't do it. And then he gives her the stink eye again. Screw you, old lady. And then she takes off. Now, the whole point is the boys. There's not a process. You tell, give Daddy a kiss, you give Daddy a kiss. That's it. Not a whole bunch of thought going into it. Not how am I going to rearrange his emotional deck chairs or anything. Just, I was told to give him a kiss. He's my dad. I'm going to go look at some fucking horses. I'll give him a kiss. Her, give him a kiss. Wait a minute. You want me to do something? Not so fast. Let me think about this. Because this thing, this you wanting me to do something, this is a currency. I'm going to use it. This has some value. I could use it against you. It's sort of like certain martial arts, you know, like judo, taekwondo. We use you against you. Your own momentum. You take, you punch or kick or something. We'll take that and pull it and use you. That's how it is. They use your own momentum against you.

[Harlan Williams]

I think, yeah, you have to do that. Yeah, you have to do the counter and intuitive thing. That's why I always say Damascus, you know, nothing if not, you know, a lady killer throughout the years. Listen, here's the thing. This is a great and maverick. You might want to use this one the next time you're working on a lady. I always say women are so accustomed to the guy going after them and trying, you know, and laying it on. I say in the first four minutes to 90 minutes of a discussion with a woman, if you tell them that they're into you, you announce to them, listen, baby, settle down. I mean, I can tell you're into me, but don't lose your dignity in the process. THEY CHUCKLE they chuckle. You know what, though? He's right. I am into him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I take it a step further. I mean, you know, you can tell chicks you're into me and see if it works on them.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, it works.

[Adam Carolla]

But I go a step further. Like, just pretend you're a chicken and you sidled up next to me at the bar. How you doing?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, does your pussy stink?

[Harlan Williams]

Excuse me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you love it, bitch. Start sucking.

[Harlan Williams]

That's. That's the sound of me slapping you across the face.

[Adam Carolla]

I still think it would work better than Penny for your thoughts or what's your sign? It is an inherently flawed system. Here's the system we've mapped out as a society. Men pursue women. It is the men's job of the species. It's the male's job to pursue the female. Except for all the females are infused with a gene that makes them repulsed once they find out a guy is pursuing them. Really? Is that what God had in mind? Doesn't work that way in the animal kingdom. You know what I mean? Like, when a male peacock shows up in front of a female peacock, they just start fucking. It's not like them in all other forms of life. The male shows up, he starts showing off. And the female goes, wow, look at him. That's some plumage. I'd like to fuck him. And that's how it works. Whereas with women and human beings in our society. Dude shows up. Hello. Let me buy you a drink. I don't think so. This is just American society, right? Yeah, it's probably just American, but why the fuck is it set up this way? You know what I mean? Like, if it worked this way in the animal kingdom, there'd be no animals. No one would get laid.

[Harlan Williams]

You're absolutely right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're guilty of the crime of showing interest in them. I don't want him. He's too needy. He likes me too much. That's. Listen.

[Harlan Williams]

That's why. Listen. Listen to Damascus. Hear me now Believe me later Turn them on their ear. Tell them how they're into you. Their heads spin. What?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, they can't. They can't comprehend.

[Dave Damashek]

You have to plant seeds in the head like this. Like, you come up to them and be like, fuck, it's so fucking hot. I'm, like, sweating and, like, my heart is beating. I'm hot. You get. I'm, like, wet with sweat. And then they're thinking they're going, hot my pussy and shit. And then they plant. It's like subliminal.

[Giovanni]

Subliminal.

[Dave Damashek]

Subliminal.

[Adam Carolla]

So you. You get the word and.

[Dave Damashek]

Pig.

[Harlan Williams]

That innuendo works.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, man. Did you stinky bitch or whatever, you know, you have to improvise, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You got another question, Adam?

[Dave Damashek]

Samantha wants to know, Adam, do you have any tattoos? What?

[Adam Carolla]

Where?

[Dave Damashek]

And if not, why?

[Adam Carolla]

No, Nowhere. And I'm not an insecure dipshit who's trying to carve himself out of personality at the pier.

[Harlan Williams]

And to be fair, if you did get a tattoo, you wouldn't be able to see it anyway because of your fur.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

It would be cloaked under the ear.

[Adam Carolla]

I do have Frankie say relax on my right ass cheek.

[Harlan Williams]

It's funny, I was just noticing some guys walking to work every day. I walk by big construction, and a lot of those guys have the tattoos. And I think that the frat guys and the sorority girls who get the, you know, what do they call it? The bullseye on the, you know, right above the tramp stamp. And a lot of the frat guys get the letters on their ankles. And so I think guys that with other otherwise get the tattoos, you know, for the last hundred years, guys who would tat themselves up now feel obliged to take it to the next level. Because now the frat dude, the soft guy, is, you know, is treading on their soil. So they have to go one step further and get tattoos on their necks and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And I mean, really, aren't you now limiting where you're going in life if you do that legitimately?

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Harlan Williams]

And I think those guys, I don't know, that have neck tattoos and forehead tattoos and things like that. Have those been around in society long enough to see what the effects are going to be among the senior citizens? Imagine when Those guys are 82 years old, how crazy that's going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

On my right eyelid it says fuck, and on my left eyelid it says the lapd. And in case I get pulled over for a chicken shit ticket, I just. I blink in a certain sequence. Yeah. First off, getting a job in this economic climate is tough enough. Doing it with some gang markings on your neck is probably going to make it that much harder. And then thirdly, overall, just the concept of buying yourself a personality. You know what I mean? And I know we all do it to some degree. The car you drive says something about you. You. But you don't have to put the triple chrome spinners on it, and you don't have to pump up the base. And you don't have to explain to everybody how you've arrived or when you're arriving. And I feel the same way with the tats. Like, look, here's the deal. Your job in life is to forge a personality for yourself that is built on success, hard work, and intestinal fortitude, whatever it is. But not the part where you try to advertise that to other people. You want to advertise your Badass or you want to be a badass, get yourself a 4th degree black belt in Taekwondo or get into ultimate fighting or mixed martial arts or something. Don't do the tattoo that explains to people what I'm into. Hey, I'm hot, I'm into sex, I'm a badass, all that shit. It's just, it seems, it just screams insecurity to me.

[Harlan Williams]

It also, what it does too, is that it comes at the expense of being actually interesting because you have to devote. Like you talk about the punk guy swinging the nunchucks in the parking lot. Those guys. I always have said that. Those people in high school, really, if you talk to them, are not particularly compelling conversationalists because so much time is devoted on cultivating that look and everything that.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are the, I mean, of the.

[Harlan Williams]

Most interesting human beings? You know how many of them have some bizarre, severe kind of look to them that would take a great piercing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, of course they're. Look, you're relying on your wits to be compelling, interesting, funny, or what have you. They're relying on ink to get their message across. And by the way, to all you assholes who do that, hey, it's how I express myself. How you express yourself. You paid a guy 400 bucks and he expressed himself on your left shoulder. That's how you express yourself. You give yourself your own tattoo. Maybe we can talk about how you express yourself. You walking into a parlor and pointing at ET With a Prussian helmet on and going, yeah, put that on my forearm. That is not, not you expressing yourself. That's somebody expressing their self on your arm and you paying them. It's really, it's really like you listening to music going, this is how I express myself? No, no, that, that's how Leonard Skynyrd expressed themselves. You're just sitting around listening to it. You're not in the band. I'll make a couple exceptions. I like the sailors. If you're a merchant marine or you're a sailor, I want to know what vessel that we're on.

[Harlan Williams]

That's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a luggage, you know, when you're traveling the world, you get that luggage, you get the stamp. Yeah, go ahead, tell me what vessel you are on. I'd like to see your forearm and like to see you're on a frigate in this man's navy. And why is it only this man's army? Couldn't it be this man's air force and this man's marines? It's never this man's. It's always this Man's arm. What about this man's Navy?

[Harlan Williams]

This man's podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

Those are dudes. The point is, I will accept. I will not accept any tribal tattooing. I will not accept any barbed wire. I will not accept. Especially on a chick.

[Harlan Williams]

Now, the best of them all is the Chinese symbol.

[Adam Carolla]

I will not.

[Harlan Williams]

You are American, born and raised. Do you know if you speak Chinese? If you can write it or read it, so be it. Otherwise, it makes no sense to put on your body for the rest of your life the meaning of when you have no relation whatsoever to them.

[Dave Damashek]

You better know your Mandarin, because Moose got poned. Dude, he wanted to say strength, and he went to a Chinese dude, he goes, do you know what that tattoo says? It says, I smoke dong. And he wanted strength, but the Chinese fucking tattoo dude was having a laugh with him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. See, you could get burned quite easily.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. And now when he goes to China.

[Adam Carolla]

Dudes are cracked, backing up.

[Dave Damashek]

They're like, I smoked dong.

[Adam Carolla]

Dong's a kind of popular name in China, though, is it not? So, I mean, maybe it's confusing. Does it say cock or dong?

[Dave Damashek]

Said dong. He says.

[Adam Carolla]

They know it. He went symbol for he was gonna.

[Dave Damashek]

Kick the dude's ass. And the guy's like, no, no, Dong is a popular cigarette.

[Giovanni]

So you just say, I smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

And most believed it. But then he went back those ass.

[Dave Damashek]

Again, and the guy had packed up and left. Apparently, he, like, had done Chinese thimbles on all people, saying, like, for girls, I like to eat pussy, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Dave Damashek]

And he was having a laugh with all of them by putting the wrong thing in.

[Harlan Williams]

Can I just say, though, probably that tattooist, pretty good judge of character if he was insinuating that Moose, maybe, like, the fellas Moose. That's not the first time we've heard those allegations. Moose.

[Adam Carolla]

Scott Wood watching the Rolling Stones at the super bowl halftime party a few years back, right?

[Dave Damashek]

He had just woken up, it was morning wood.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't count, okay?

[Dave Damashek]

And, dude, Mick Jagger. I mean, come on, dude, he's a legend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he still looks good. All right, I know what you're saying. The point is, here's how you know all these symbols where it's like, hey, this is unity, and this is strength, and this is creativity, and this is tenacity. How about you just go out and be all those fucking things instead of paying someone to put it on your fucking neck? It's retarded. I'll kill myself if my kids get tattoos. It's such a cop out. And I completely agree. Merchant Marine and. Or if you want your kids name somewhere on you, so be it. I don't, I don't care if you want to put your kids initials on your forum. That's. That's your goddamn business. You can, you know, there's something called a wallet and you can put fucking pictures in it. And that's the picture.

[Harlan Williams]

I love the picture of your children. A lot of people, that's a lot of NBA guys.

[Adam Carolla]

You see a black thing and a Mexican thing and occasionally white guy thing, but mostly black.

[Harlan Williams]

Very creepy.

[Dave Damashek]

What about Steve O? He had a picture of himself on his back. I like fucked up dude.

[Harlan Williams]

What about your frat letter? Shouldn't you put Delta Foo somewhere on your person?

[Dave Damashek]

That's a big thing with you into all my tasks.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dave Damashek]

Because I don't want to disrespect Adam, his opinion, but you know, we got the barbed wire. It's like, to show you and like your 35 pledge members of the class that you all have a bond and that you are unique.

[Adam Carolla]

But barbed wire, you're unique. 2 million other people have barbed wire.

[Dave Damashek]

And then the other one I got, which is like, you know how I used to be into shaved bush?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Now I'm not. Now I like the natural look.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dave Damashek]

But back in the day, I was into it and I got a little tattoo right on the pubic line of a tweety bird with a lawnmower. And it would like, tell Chick, you know, this is. This is how I roll. And by the way, dad, Tweety bird.

[Adam Carolla]

With the push lawn mower.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, the push mower.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Dave Damashek]

Right on the edge of the pubic lawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. We got it.

[Dave Damashek]

But I've never had. I've never been to a Hoko or been in it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's for your dad.

[Dave Damashek]

Hell, yeah. What's up, dad?

[Adam Carolla]

He's listening to the podcast. Well, do you have one more question for us?

[Dave Damashek]

This is Adam. You clearly have a pretty big interest in the military. Why didn't you enlist back in the day when things were tough, the four.

[Adam Carolla]

Year commitment always bumped me and picking up and moving to, you know, Fort Bragg in, you know, Kentucky or something, or North Carolina. You know, coming from Studio City, North Hollywood, just going. It just. I, you know, I saw that Matthew Broderick movie one too many times.

[Harlan Williams]

Bloxy Blues.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It just sounded like a lot of wet heat and a di.

[Harlan Williams]

Not Full Metal Jacket. It was Bloxy Blues.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That seemed spoiled.

[Harlan Williams]

Military.

[Giovanni]

Military.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't scared of being killed or scared of being bored and hot. And so I did think a nice alternative would be the Coast Guard. I wanted to join the Coast Guard reserve. Something happened along the way and ended up digging ditches. Once I got into carpentry, I guess I got into it, but I wanted to be a merchant marine at some point. And I wanted to join the Coast Guard at some point, too.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, but wait a second. Question asks, when things got tough, what war are they referring to? What would you have even been in line to be a part of?

[Adam Carolla]

A little something called Grenada? Son had to rescue some horrible, they think horrible med students.

[Dave Damashek]

No, he means when Adam was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, things got tough for Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I should have joined the military, right? Well, you were doing the fire department. I was trying that. Plus we had a friend, Dave, who. But imagine if they had had the Kuwaiti thing going on. Remember like the first Gulf War, where like all these guys are going to the oil fields making like $200,000. Yeah, I wanted to do something like that. And then we only. We had a couple of friends that were in the Navy and they got thrown out of the Navy. And it didn't. Well, it didn't get thrown out.

[Harlan Williams]

You would have been great with a.

[Adam Carolla]

Drill sergeant discharged, not a dishonored. Dave beat a superior officer with a shoe, did he not? Yes, he did. So did Bill. And he was asked to leave. Yeah. Okay, so it didn't seem like, it didn't seem like a great thing at the time. But yes, I should have, on hindsight, I should have went right out of high school and right into it. Because four years, by the way, seems like forever. Especially when you go to a three year high school. Aha. Maybe this is the reason they've converted all the high schools to four year high schools. Because when you do the math, like where you go that period of time from your first year, like the first day you just enter as a freshman in high school, to the day you're a big senior and you're graduating, that period seems like 3/4 of your life. I mean, that seems like a very large chunk of it is at that.

[Harlan Williams]

Point especially you're not lucid for the first, say, four years of your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Or whatever, that was half your life. But, but it's. That period seems so long. And so the notion of telling an 18 year old, yeah, you know, what you just did in high school, add 25% to that, meaning one more year and do that in this man's army, it seems like, oh, no way I'll be 22, I'll be an old man by the time I get out of that place. So it just seemed like too big a time commitment. Now they go to four year high schools, which probably makes it a little easier to cope with the four year. Well, it's like going into high school one more time. But what you should do is go right out of high school and just go right in. Because otherwise if you're like me, you clean carpets, you go to junior college, you around, next thing you know you're 21, 22 and you haven't done anything. And then it's too late to join the army because now you're going to be coming out, you'll be close to 30 when you come out. So I should have just, I should have just joined up immediately. I do. And I don't know if you guys went to four year hike schools, but ours switched to four year high schools. And I've said it once, I'll say it again, not a great plan because you have dudes that are 18 and sometimes even 19 going as high school seniors. I mean our Buddy Ray turned 19 at the end of his senior year. He had to repeat the second grade twice as we discovered the other day.

[Harlan Williams]

Maverick sitting right over there.

[Adam Carolla]

The point I know you had, you've been a, your seventh year senior at usc.

[Dave Damashek]

The point is that it's fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys think it's a good plan to take 14 and 15 year old girls and throw them in with 18 and 19 year old dudes who have cars and who can score beer? You know what I'm saying? I mean, do you want, and by the way, good luck telling anyone who's in the same high school. Oh, there'll be no sexual interaction between you guys. Oh, listen, that's just for seniors on seniors. No way. Once you're in high school, you're in high school and you can almost legally and morally date anyone within the confines of that high school, Right?

[Harlan Williams]

It is, I say all the time. You know, one great indicator that you're getting old is when there are no professional athletes anymore that are your age. When you're officially older and you can remember the entire career arc of your favorite athlete and now he's retired in the hall of fame. But number two is when you see high school kids and you realize they're having sex with one another, how creepy it is to look at them. They're children. There is, they are not adults at all. They look essentially like, I guess what if you were 17 and you look at six year olds, the same feeling you would get. It's, it's, it's sickening to think that I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Disgusting. No. And listen, when you're a girl entering the ninth grade, you're 14 years old. You're 14 and there's, you know, you're barely hitting puberty and there's a lot of dudes like when I went back and looked at my yearbook recently, a lot of guys with mustaches and beards and you know, they look like dudes like 17, 18 year old guys who are going to be preying on these 14 year old girls. It's not a great plan.

[Harlan Williams]

That's why I didn't talk to any of them. I hit my 20s.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do one more man. Hey.

[Dave Damashek]

This was from Walter, the Navy submarine. And he just wanted to add that your movie the Hammer was on bootleg in Iraq for three bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'm sure that checks in the mail. I am. By the way, every single aspect about that movie has been humiliating to me. The thing it made its cable, it made its cable debut on Cinemax Action 2 or something. The guy I wrote it with, Kevin Hench says I have the whole package. I go to the cable company or the satellite company, I just go sign me up for everything you got. And he doesn't have Cinemax Action 2 in his package that has everything on it. But it debuted on a Tuesday at 4:30 in the morning.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow, that's cr. I really am surprised by that. And I'm not flating you to say that that is bizarre that it didn't get, you know, they. Seems like one of those movie channels would run it on a Saturday night at 8:00 for. Because they, they all try to line up some new movie every week. I'm surprised that that wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It is has zero and I know this sounds, you know, like I'm fellating myself. I wish I could but it's, it has no, there's no merit in the system at all. Our movie was Sports Illustrated Sports Comedy of the Year. That their favorite comedy Sports comedy of the year was our movie. It doesn't mean it was the best. It just means according to the number one sports publication on the planet, according to them it was the best. If you go to Amazon, you'll see it gets four and a half stars. It should get five stars. By the way. I don't know how this works. It says over 105 stars and 24 stars and it gets four and a half stars. But the point is if you go to Rotten Tomatoes and go to the community thing. It gets a 96%. So somebody should say, hey, this is better than Mannequin two. I mean, I mean, look, I'm not. Like I said, I'm not trying to blow smoke up my own ass. It's not as good as no country for Old Men. I would rather watch no country for Old Men than my humble movie. It's not as good as Casino. It's not as good as a thousand movies, but it is better.

[Harlan Williams]

Young Blood.

[Adam Carolla]

Not good as the hockey thriller Youngblood, but it is quite a bit better than a lot of the movies that they're currently showing in those times.

[Harlan Williams]

Police Academy 3, 4, and 6.

[Dave Damashek]

It's better than those abortion Young Blood.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they show bush. You get to see Rob Lowe's bush.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, he's with a chick in front of a fire. His hot steam, full bush.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I wasn't a fan of the Hammer, but. But no, I wish you all the best with it.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. And it air twice. It aired once on a Tuesday at like 3:30 or 4:30. I remember the 30 part being insulting. Like, it couldn't just be 2:00am it has to be 3:30 in the morning. And then the second time it aired was like on a Thursday at 4:45am Again, not even during the daylight hours. Crazy. As Kevin Hench wrote me in the email going after the coveted lobster fisherman demographic.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, may I say, as a. As a listener of yours, Ace, wouldn't it be great? You should get Hench in. Hench should be in on the podcast because, you know, obviously you, your fans would be interested to hear discussion of one, the Hammer and two, the pilot. The. The sitcom. It'd be. And obviously Hench, you know, he jokes around a lot, and once in a while he says some fun.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's really funny and he knows sports.

[Harlan Williams]

No, he'd be great. I have him on my podcast all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. I should get him in here. It's one of these things where it's like the guy who has the hot chick, except for she wears funny glasses. Living next door in the 80s movie. And he should be in love with her, but he's going after the cheerleader, the head cheerleader. And she was right in front of me the whole time. Hench is right in front of me. I should bring him in here. Donny, mark that down. I'm writing it down. We got to get Hanshin here. All right, one more.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay, you have a choice. Do you want to talk about mutts, you know, dogs. Or do you want to talk about pro life versus pro choice? Or do you want to talk about the future of Detroit automaker?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's combine them all. You pick one. Doesn't matter.

[Harlan Williams]

I will vote for pro choice versus pro life. That seems the heaviest.

[Adam Carolla]

Fasten your seat belts, ace.

[Dave Damashek]

Today a Gallup poll was released that showed for the first time a majority of Americans saying they are pro life instead of pro choice. And that the number of pro choice Americans has been dropping since 1995. How do you feel about this?

[Adam Carolla]

It is true, as you get older, as you kids, you tend to soften your stance on a lot of this stuff. As per usual, the truth lies somewhere in between the crazy lefty hippie nut jobs and the super ultra right nut jobs. The truth is somewhere in between this thing of you can't tell a woman what to do with her body. First off, all we do in society is tell people what they can do with themselves. It's non stop what you can do with yourself or what we'll do to you.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't think it or ticket click get our ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't think we can tell people what to do? Just go ahead, grow a pot plant in your front yard and see how it goes for you. Somebody will confiscate your fucking house. We take 40% of your money, we give you a Social Security number when you that's we. You get a number signed to you when you're born so that we can. So we can skim 40% of your earnings and do with it what we please. All we do. It's one big rule. So what do you mean you can't tell people what to do with themselves? Try driving around with your kids and not have them buckled in 10 ways to Sunday, you'll get arrested. You do it again, your kids will get taken away from you. We tell you you can't ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Hey man, you can't tell me what to do with my head. It's my head. And of course we can tell you what to do. That's all we do is tell you what to do. So this establishing this idea of you can't tell a woman what to do with her body is insane because we do tell people what to do all the time in every facet of this society. So this would be one more telling somebody what to do with their body. Now I don't like abortion. I don't think it's a good thing less people don't get Me wrong. We got enough assholes already. A few more going into the medical waste incinerator is absolutely fine with me. On the other hand, it's ugly and we should attempt to avoid it. And the abstinence thing obviously doesn't work. So the same hypocrites that are against abortion and are pro life are also against the morning after, which could avoid this. Which makes them world class hypocrites.

[Harlan Williams]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously makes them world class hypocrites. On the other hand, there are people that use abortion. You know, it's out there and it's a kind of a, in a sad way, it's a get out of jail free card that's always out there for some people. And I think people, some people either, I wouldn't say abuse it, but they know it's out there. Like they know they have. I mean, I remember when I was, you know, 23 and fucking without a condom and the thought would go through my head, listen, if something happens, we can always get an abortion. If there was no such thing as abortion, I may have slipped on a condom at a certain point, wasn't using it like birth control, thank God, never had to go through it. But there is something, there's a truth that lies in between the right and the left. I would say this. You would never make abortions illegal. You would do everything you could to prevent them, via education and via morning after pills and via birth control and via many other modalities that would take it from, you know, I don't know, 300,000 a year to under 100,000 a year because everyone had access to birth control, contraception, so on and so forth.

[Harlan Williams]

Very good. That's, you know, and I more or less agree with that. Of course the bottom line is pro choice is the only logical choice, as you say, for many reasons, practical, aside from the debate about when life begins, all that. But listen, you know, here's a weird thing I was thinking about. Did you watch that show Planet Earth when it was on, that great documentary about the animals, human beings, the highest form of life on the planet. Right. And yet I was a little upset with human babies when I was done watching it because people that, you know, animals species less evolved than supposedly we are, you know, a human baby has to be cared for constantly, bottles and everything else. A baby wouldn't survive more than a day or two if left to its own. And yet these birds out in random jungles in these, you know, in the middle of nowhere, the day they're born, their mama bird just push them out of a tree, 200ft in the sky and they learn to fly. What gives human babies? Take care of yourself. You know bears, they're the bears out in the, out at the top of the world in Antarctica or is that in the bottom of the world? Either way, they're the bears. They're left fend for themselves. Go find a fish to eat, bear. You've been out for an hour and a half. Stop being lazy. Human babies, you know, four years before they can be self sufficient.

[Adam Carolla]

Shame on you, elephant baby.

[Dave Damashek]

And the same with the whale baby. They stay with the mother. The smarter the animal, the longer time with the mother.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like the Jews. The Wiley Jew. All right, Those Adam Krul Show 64 coming up next, we're jumping all the way to 2015 with Adam Kurilla Show 1506, featuring guests Chael Sonnen, Kiris Otanovich and Brian Bishop. This is from February of 2015. Gina was essentially the new news girl. However, they did try out some other possibilities, including Kira. This is what it sounded like. Hope you guys enjoy the Adam Carolla show. Your source for the news that matters or random stories that piss Adam off.

[Donnie]

You guys have all been to the dentist, right? Have we all gone good? Fantastic. A patient who went to the dentist did not have a great experience, and so she posted on Yelp, which we have probably all done as well, that she didn't like the doctor and she put on a negative review and that's what Yelp is for. And that cost her dearly because the dental practice is now suing her for just about $200,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

Yes. For a negative review. They say that her online. Online claims were wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

So if they say. Meaning there's really. If you have a bad experience, you have a bad experience. That's subjective.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you say they didn't use tap water on my mouth, they used cement.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

For rent.

[Donnie]

What kind of insurance do you have? Is that Obamacare? Is that what's happening to this country?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

What dentist is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, all I'm saying is I'm going to extremes here to prove a point that you have to prove.

[Donnie]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an allegation. Allegation.

[Donnie]

What she says was that she initially saw a lovely dentist there. Right. She was referred. She needed to get about. This is in pounds. So I'm trying to do the math quickly, but here it's listed 10,000 pounds worth of tooth implants. So she.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's 16 or 1700 dollars. 10,000 pounds.

[Donnie]

10,000, yeah. So it's 16,000.

[Harlan Williams]

She's pretending.

[Adam Carolla]

Like dentists in England to start with.

[Donnie]

Exactly that. Why don't we.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty good. Yeah. One Indian guy set up, hung a shingle over there.

[Donnie]

She had a three week wait before they could begin treatment. I guess that was part of her complaint. And then she received a treatment plan, the wrong prices, and then she got a toothache. And then they don't do the special dentistry that she needed. And there was just like all these things kept happening and it just gave her a terrible experience. And so she Yelped about it. Do you think she should get sued?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I do. I think if there's an allegation that is untrue and maybe it's just a pissed off neighbor or ex wife who wants to just give you a bad review and fuck your shit up and you can prove that you lost business because of, of this untrue allegation, then yeah, I guess you should.

[Donnie]

Okay, if it was my business and someone puts this on Yelp and I feel like I could potentially lose a lot of money, I would maybe try to retain them as a customer. Please come in. Let me remedy this. I'll give you a free blah, blah, blah, root canal, whatever you need to try to make everybody happy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a sweet talker.

[Donnie]

You got a sweet talker.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to deal with teeth. Well, yeah, here's. I guess what I'm saying. Just, just for the future, what is, what is to prevent? And I don't know enough, but you guys tell me, what's to prevent me going into a business and going, hey, I got 650,000 Twitter followers, right? I'm going to give you a shitty Yelp review and fuck your shit up unless you give me a free whatever right now. Well, Yelp shakes down people. Absolutely. This is a semi medium scandal. Like a year or two ago when Yelp would go to business, like, hey, for a few bucks, we can get rid of these negative reviews or we can move your shit to the top. Yelp is famous for doing that.

[Donnie]

Very famous and also Yale Sharpton approach.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Donnie]

Other places of business say, if you Yelp something nice about us, we'll give you like a free appetizer or 25% off or a free, you know, many mani pedi.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

I don't think that's fair either, because now you don't know. Can you trust these Yelp reviews?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, I mean, ultimately it gets down to does the food taste good, does your mouth feel clean, or whatever it is. But yeah, it's a weird world we're living in.

[Donnie]

So she took down her review, Right. But she wrote I had to take down my review because they were threatening to sue me. And then they sued her again for writing that little addendum.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. But that part's true. They can't sue over that.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Donnie]

She had to take that part down as well.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's like lose, lose all eyes again. I love first world problems. I love that this is considered a problem in our culture or across the pond. But either way, this is a white person problem.

[Donnie]

That's why England will never have nice teeth because they just can't get their act together. Speaking of getting your act together, can we talk about getting your love act together? Yeah. A man who had sex for a year with a captive dolphin named Dolly finally speaks out about their year long love affair in a new documentary.

[Adam Carolla]

I normally don't approve of the waterbed, but this guy's got a pass. It's actually a life sustaining device.

[Donnie]

He claims that she seduced him.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Classic move. You hear it all the time.

[Donnie]

63 years old. He had a relationship with her back in the 70s, which you know, still a little bit of free love. Lingering. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I always think of, I don't know why, but I always, everyone always wants to focus on the crazy person. I always picture their adult children. I heard, heard that news story about your dad.

[Donnie]

They're half mammalian. Adult children.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're manatee adult children. No, I'm just, I always pick, you know, somewhere this guy has a 31 year old running around and he's going into work going, please, dear God, please, dear God. Nobody fucking connected. Do the dots here or whatever. And then someone goes, hey, I heard that dad was all over the news and like, oh, he was a hell of an elite coach, by the way. Back when I was a little kid, he knew. Dedicated dozens of hours. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Have you guys ever gone swimming with dolphins? Like in Mexico or.

[Adam Carolla]

I have, I just did it in Maui.

[Donnie]

And don't they give you like a little. They do a disclaimer. Please don't touch the dolphin in any sexual manner.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Cause the dolphin will flirt with you. The dolphins are hussies out.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised you haven't heard this. Do they say sexual?

[Donnie]

They do, they actually say. Because you know the dolphins are trained to swim by and then all the tourists put their hands out and then you get to touch the dolphin and sometimes they flip over on their backs and they say if they do that please do not touch them in a sexual manner.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I just like the part that the sexual. I would just say don't touch them, but they don't mind you petting the dorsal fin and things like that.

[Donnie]

And especially if it's two dudes at the same time, because that's just gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? You can't do dolphin.

[Donnie]

But they have a little, you know, a dolphin. A little area that you can, you know, accidentally. Look, daisies. You know?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. He had a consensual. A love affair with this dolphin. For how long?

[Donnie]

A year. And there's a documentary about him. And it was a bottlenose dolphin who lived at something called Florida Land, which was a theme park in Sarasota.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't just get like, he was jumping the fence at night.

[Donnie]

Yes, that's exactly it. That's exactly it.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to make a joke. He really did it.

[Giovanni]

A rendezvous. Yeah.

[Donnie]

He. He was allowed. They all trusted him. And he was allowed to go, like, after hours. And yes, this was all happening like, you know, he had keys.

[Adam Carolla]

They supported love.

[Donnie]

I mean, look, when you fall in love, you can't help who you fall in love with.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he. I wonder if he moved. Like, the most insulting thing he could say to a new partner would be listening. Listen, your pussy smells. And I've been with a fucking dolphin. You understand? You understand? My last pussy came from the sea. You understand? Lived full time in a saltwater tank. And your pussy smells worse. Okay, I feel like you're speaking figuratively. No, I mean, you can't have. Literally, yes. I'm a Republican. I don't know if I can be part of this conversation.

[Harlan Williams]

They might throw me out of the party.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

Equal rights. Relax.

[Adam Carolla]

How did they. He says to the new girl, he's like, my last relationship started hot and heavy, but after a year, she wouldn't give me the blowhole anymore. So are they arrested or. You go to jail for her? That's called bestiality. You can't do that.

[Donnie]

Well, he said there's something very quite transcendental about making love with a dolphin because. And this is what he says.

[Adam Carolla]

You can kind of see that, like.

[Donnie]

A tiger or a bear. She could have killed me in two seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's not to terms with the fact that he raped a fish? He really thinks he had. Like, this is consensus. She didn't say no. That's probably his argument. I watched. You didn't say no.

[Donnie]

She didn't say.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. First of all. Very good. Very good. Yeah.

[Donnie]

How to respect.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. Okay. That's my apologies. Lot of when the dolphins are just having a conversation, there's got to be a lot of. Of a lot of range between the ones that do the Roman ride. Like, what do you do all day? I got some dude standing on me in half a wetsuit. What are you doing? I got this old guy hops the fence and fucks me. Like, how do I get that gig? I'm dragging this guy's fat ass around this tank, all fucking damn exhausted. I'm swimming backwards for fish. But this dolphin couldn't be the only one in the pool. So when he jumps the fence, it must come to him and the other ones don't.

[Donnie]

It's exactly what it says.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's what he took as flirting.

[Donnie]

Yes. That she showed him signs that she was interested. So I was rubbing her and moving my hand towards her tail. Dolly was slowly rolling. It's like 50 Shades of Flipper. Dolly was slowly rolling around her long axis.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

And he. He describes it in his movie. And he wanted someone to animate it, but he couldn't find someone that was willing to animate that part for the documentary.

[Harlan Williams]

I got a guy.

[Donnie]

Of course you do.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what film I'd like to see? I'd like to have. I'd like to see this guy's next sexual partner be Pam Anderson. And just watch her actually vomiting while she's actually having sex with him. Oh, she knows going into. Yes.

[Donnie]

She still agrees that she's an animal lover because of PETA.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean we grease her palms a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Because anybody, like Bob Barker's gotta be beside himself at this point, right? I. I mean, I don't mind the consensual stuff.

[Donnie]

I don't know if you can neuter a dolphin. So I don't know. Maybe he'd be fine with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I feel like. Like I used to. We got in this on. On Loveline when. Many years ago. The guy. The guy's dog, Brutus, was banging him. That was the deal. Or he was performing oral on the dog and everyone was producer. Ann was out of her mind. Couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe this atrocity. And I was like, well, listen, some dogs pull lesbians from Nome to Anchorage, Alaska, and die along the way. You know, like, in terms of things you would like to do as a dog. Could be doing sniffing out bombs at the airport or working for the military or police or doing the Iditarod, getting sucked off by your best friend. You know what I mean? Like, it's not bad. You do worse. You know what I'm saying? That's terrible. But that's a strong argument to beat right there. I know you're. I want to argue with you. I just need a little time to think of a rebuttal because that's a good. That's a good point.

[Donnie]

Maybe I'm guilty. I have let a dog finish on my leg. Maybe I'm guilty. Maybe I'm the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Enabler. Shin enabler. So who bus. How did they bust the guy?

[Donnie]

He came out. No, no, he's doing a documentary. Do you understand? He wants everyone to know.

[Adam Carolla]

So has he been charged with the crime?

[Donnie]

You know, it's Florida, so probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's the mayor.

[Donnie]

They're totally cool.

[Adam Carolla]

He was just elected.

[Donnie]

It's not like a dolphin was eating skittles. It's fine. It's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. So he's doing a documentary?

[Donnie]

Yeah. The last line of this article is however uncomfortable it can be as a subject matter.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Donnie]

What Malcolm experienced is unique and very real and very serious to him. So maybe we shouldn't laugh, you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we should. We should for sure.

[Giovanni]

That's not a pass.

[Adam Carolla]

Just because you're a weirdo, that's not a pass.

[Donnie]

I'm a romantic, I guess. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right, so where does this rank up for you? Like, let's say incest, necrophilia? Dolphin fellatia doll. Fellasia. Where is this in terms of like, I gotta set you up?

[Donnie]

Like, are we talking about like foreplay?

[Adam Carolla]

Just a date.

[Donnie]

Oh, just a date. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a date.

[Donnie]

I don't know, I just feel like necrophilia is so boring.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

You know what I mean? Yeah. It's one sided. I need a conversation. And dolphins can communicate with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Now, incest was one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I keep in mind I am setting you up with the gentleman who's relationship was one of the three.

[Donnie]

Oh, I see. Okay. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say consensual incest to make it a little more palatable, right? Yeah.

[Donnie]

I can barely tolerate Thanksgiving, so I would not be cool with incest.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's off the table.

[Donnie]

Way off.

[Adam Carolla]

So we're back to the porpoise.

[Donnie]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, it's just lunch.

[Donnie]

You know, they can give you a ride. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're not.

[Donnie]

They're like transportation.

[Adam Carolla]

You're dating, you're getting set up with the guy. You don't get to ride the dolphin. No, no.

[Donnie]

I understand. I'm just defending the guy that I'm getting set up with, making the case.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't forget the dolphins seduced him. That's relevant here. Yeah, that's true.

[Donnie]

Must have something going on, right? He must have some sort of game.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like a generous lover.

[Donnie]

Have you ever been seduced by a dolphin, Adam? I mean, no offense. I'm just.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I got blown by starfish once, but I was pretty fucking drunk and I was in Mexico.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, that hole.

[Donnie]

You don't know where that hole is, right? It's an honest mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. All right, so, Whitefish, we're gonna watch this. Man, we're gonna have to watch this documentary. I'm in. I'm in, too. White Fish is the name of it. Oh, I don't know. Oh, we're working a commercial spot. No, we're working a commercial spot on the show.

[Donnie]

This whole dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're doing it again. You're doing that thing again. No. Oh, I see. No, if I was doing that, I'd be talking about coaching bad. Coming, Spike. Coming on February 8th, by the way. 10:00, 9 Central. Ray Lewis. You weren't talking about a guy who gets fired up. Ray Lewis is hooking up with a sports psychologist. Speaking of peds, gets together with out of control coaches. Guys that just are too intense. Girls and guys are like screaming and swinging and pushing and then gets together with them. Basically puts them through boot camp. I watched old trailer for this thing and I am like scare straight for coaches. Yeah, that's what it is. And these people are. They're out of control on the field, but they're out of control at home as well. You could imagine if the guy can't keep it together on the softball field, what it's going to be like. Yeah. When he gets home. It's called coaching bad. It is Sunday, February 8th. Coming up, February 8th, 10:00, 9 Central. And it's on spikes right after bar rescue. So how can you go wrong? It's Ray Lewis. How you gonna go wrong? All right, Anybody screwing anything else? What else we got?

[Donnie]

I'll give you guys an option, okay. If you want to, you know, end on a feel good. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That wasn't a feel good story.

[Donnie]

That was actually. I mean, I feel great. We have.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think this guy filmed himself? He could only hope.

[Donnie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did, because he was the Florida land photographer. That's how they let him behind the scenes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Donnie]

He was taking pictures of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I missed that part. Did you mention that part?

[Donnie]

I did not.

[Adam Carolla]

My head is swimming par in the pond. But you know what I love most about this story is how insanely outraged so many women are going to be over this story. Of course. And my whole thing is just this. I do not wish that either one of my twins grows up and has sex with sea animals. Okay? That's not what I wish for. Marine life. That's not something that's on my list of things for them to accomplish in their lives. But as long as there's women school girls being abducted by ISIS and beheaded or sold into some sort of sexual slavery or acid being thrown in their faces, as long as there's ethnic cleansing and genocide, as long as we have real problems, the one crazy kook having sex with the giant fish that doesn't really know what's going on is way down on my list of things to fix. So you're opening the spectrum to global what they could possibly end up.

[Donnie]

So you're not going to start like a moveon.org petition.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say even in this country there are many things that are going on. For instance, just in the inner city alone that should be, should provoke more moral outrage on our behalf than the crazy 68 year old guy who's having sex with Flipper. Right. That's me. So I put everything in perspective. Sure, unless you bury the lead. He's a photographer. That's right. Filmmaker. That's right. He's an actor now and he was seduced. Why does everybody keep leaving that out?

[Donnie]

I think you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So everyone is going to go absolutely insane and be absolutely morally outraged over this. Yet in the time we discussed this, there are a bunch of kids that just got shot in the inner city. And so for me, prioritize people. That's what I'm saying.

[Donnie]

That makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Donnie]

Since you said acid, I think I'm gonna go with a story that has acid involved in it. That's what inspired me. This is also. This involves a penis, but it's a sad story. A teen poured battery acid on her boyfriend's penis as revenge.

[Adam Carolla]

That's rude.

[Donnie]

For releasing a sex tape on social media. Now the teen is 17 years old, so her boyfriend 25 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Fair play. I changed my stance.

[Donnie]

Yeah, because she's underaged. But why are you having sex with 25 year old 17? You should know better. But she, he released a pornographic video of her on the Internet without her consent and she skipped like, you know, just plain old screaming and yelling and Anger and went straight for revenge. Quote, she says I had to do something to show him that I was angry. Keying his car really not an option.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And I wanted to hurt him so that he can see that he messed with the wrong girl.

[Adam Carolla]

How nice is this guy's car?

[Giovanni]

Number one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Driving a Daihatsu charade with Bondo all over it. Have fun keying that.

[Donnie]

She says, I never intended this is what she said to kill his penis.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you think that works at the DA's office? Is this a wash? You did a statutory. You did a mutilation. Let's call it good. Yeah, I do. I have the same sort of feeling of this is white trash on white trash crime right here. So, you know, this is just. You kind of cosmically got what's coming to you.

[Donnie]

You don't think that's a little extreme?

[Adam Carolla]

The having sex with the minor part, you know, that's been going on for quite some time. They're throwing it up on the Internet and it's really something. As a dad, I worry about is the stuff that's going to just live forever.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't even have to be pornographic. It can just be you being stupid, saying something stupid. Think about all the stupid stuff you did. You know, put blackface on and went out on Halloween or something. And now it's captured forever and it's tossed on this. And then you're running for fucking senate. Only one of us in this room did that. I was Mr. T. That's a fucking homage. It's not making fun of black people.

[Giovanni]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

You paid homage. It's called homage. Yeah, that's right. That's Chale's brother's name. Homage.

[Donnie]

The fact that like, I guess I don't know how her clock classmates all saw it. I don't know why other 17 year olds are watching porn, but that this ruined.

[Adam Carolla]

Can imagine why 17 year olds are watching porn.

[Donnie]

There is a disclaimer page saying, you cannot watch us if you're not 18. They read that and then they don't watch.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that how it works? You have to agree. Damn it.

[Donnie]

You can't lie to the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

More months.

[Donnie]

Yeah, I mean, does no one live by rules anymore?

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Where's their code? What do you think in terms of batting average? The car nav system that says don't operate while running and you just hit agree while you're going 75 miles an hour? Or the porn site that says you must be 18, like in terms of just the porn site weeds out probably a little more. Just scared kids. But the car. That's 110%. I don't know if you're watching porn.

[Donnie]

In the car while you're driving.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst.

[Donnie]

That's dangerous.

[Adam Carolla]

So. All right. What did the acid do to the guy's junk? And will he ever fuck another dollar?

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Or am I confusing things at this point? You're doing another ad? Are we doing an ad? Are you doing that thing again? Dolphin integration.

[Donnie]

His penis is no longer functioning. That's what it says in this article. As a result. And he has to urinate through a tube and undergo surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

And he has decided not to press charges because this is what he said. Which actually kind of redeems him a little bit. Even if I press charges, it is useless because it won't bring back my manhood. Her being in jail will just ruin her future because she's still young and I don't have the energy to attend court.

[Adam Carolla]

He wants rebound sex.

[Donnie]

Can you please fuck my tube?

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. God damn Christ. What are we. What are we coming to? And good. Glad he cannot sire any children, by the way, with his shriveled and burnt junk.

[Donnie]

But after all that, she's gonna still press charges because of underage pornography.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Can I ask this when something like this comes out, considering things will just live on the Internet well past all our lifetimes and at age 17, I mean, there's getting married. They're starting a family. All this stuff. And this thing will just forever live on the Internet. The idea that we're talking about it now has already gotten a few more clicks. Sure. It's going to get pulled down because it's considered child pornography, I'm assuming. Depending on what state it's in or I don't know what. That's federal. 17. Yeah. 17 will get you 20. Chili probably shouldn't know so much about Valentine's Day.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you want to know?

[Adam Carolla]

What do you want? I'll give you statutes. How they vary from state to state. All right. But her then taking this to court is gonna now then end up on tmz, which now takes this story that could have just kind of crept off into the night and put it into everyone's psyche. And in a weird way, you're kind of doing what you don't want to do, which is getting it out there. Unless there's some sort of Kardashian future you're playing. Mine went there too.

[Donnie]

Right. But okay. I've always had a problem with church.

[Adam Carolla]

Like by the way, how about our next boyfriend every 10 seconds? Are we cool? We're cool, right? We're cool. We're cool.

[Donnie]

Battery acid. Like onyx.

[Adam Carolla]

The Notebook 4. I was gonna suggest seeing the Notebook 4. That was my idea.

[Harlan Williams]

If you don't like this, I'll bring them back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's cool, right? Make sure the mall's open. It's midnight. Yeah, it's cool. Don't most people walk around with foil wrapped around their junk? I think they do. I think they do. Especially during the UV rays are thing. We're cool, right? Everything's happening. The road's cool. They're cool. They're cool. You want to get what, a Prius? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's one big battery. That's one big huge battery. No, no, it's not the car for you. Yeah, yeah. It costs more to build than it does. Yeah. You think you're saving the environment? Build a power plant. Power the car. Yeah. Total combustion. That's for you. Not a Tesla. Get back here. Sorry, where was I?

[Donnie]

All right, when's your birthday, Adam? What date?

[Adam Carolla]

May 27.

[Donnie]

May 27. May 26. You're 17 years old, right? Then you turn 18 on May 27. Were you any smarter? Were you any wiser? Why all of a sudden I feel like a 17 year old should know better.

[Adam Carolla]

Here is the problem. Here's the big problem we have and we're going to have. And I was telling this to Dr. Drew the other day because I said to Mel Brooks and I can't remember if I was talking about. I think I was talking to Drew about. But I may have brought it up on this show too. You know, he's telling me he worked. He signed up for the army in 1944 and he was in Germany and he was with the construction battalion and construction engineers and they were defusing mines and, you know, clipped the red wire, clip the blue wire. And I said, that's a 20 year old Mel Brooks. And I said, Mel Brooks, if you knew what you had in your future, 20 years old now, you know, Blazing Saddles and the producers and Grammys and Oscars and Emmys and blah, blah, blah, would you have done that? And he was kind of like, geez, I don't know, like. Because you don't think there's a time beyond this time when you're 19 years of age. So when Adam Carolla was 19, he was riding a motorcycle with no helmet when it was raining outside with a fucking bald back tire. Because I didn't give a shit about. There's no such thing as what happens when you're 30. Like, so throwing your porn up on the Internet or filming yourself or doing whatever stupid thing you're engaged in, whatever that is, perpetually. At 17 or 18, you just never think about being 40? No, not at all. You just never even contemplate it. And now I don't think 17 year olds are any different than I was when I was 17. But now everyone's got a camera and there's something called the Internet and obviously.

[Donnie]

Ebay to get battery acid, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And that worries me because the technology has come to a place where everyone has a phone with a camera in it. We can film you in high def, doing whatever and put it onto a box that sits on everyone's computer, or they can use desk or they can use their phone or whatever device. Technologically, we've moved ahead 10 billion years. Emotionally, psychologically, we haven't moved ahead a second from the time I was 17. And that's gonna cause problems. Did you say he went to ebay for the battery acid? I didn't hear that part of the story. Is that true?

[Donnie]

No, I was just saying they have the ability now. When I was a kid, I didn't know how to buy anything, right? I mean, I didn't know where to even look for battery acid. Now every kid can just go online and go to Amazon and buy whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that from an actual battery? You take a battery and somehow you extract the acid. How does that.

[Donnie]

Well, when I record it on penises, what I do is you just poke a hole and make a nozzle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just. First off, she just. None of us know. Like, is that a real thing from a battery? Yeah, you fill batteries with acid and you also do it with distilled water, too. I mean, the old batteries, the ones that had cells, remember? The ones that had the little caps on top and the cell would get dry or low or whatever. But you could probably go to almost any auto parts store and get an old school battery kit that had the acid with it that you're supposed to mix with the water. All right, let's bring it home. That was the news on the Adam Carolla show. All right, this is Adam Carolla show 1506 with Kiyos Otanovich. I hope you guys enjoyed that clip. Until next time, mahalo. And get it on Sa.