Harley Morenstein + Jo Koy (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Episode Summary: Adam Carolla Show – Harley Morenstein + Jo Koy (Carolla Classics) Release Date: May 31, 2025

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Guests:

• Harley Morenstein – Creator of Epic Meal Time and author of the "Epic Meal Time" cookbook.
• Jo Koy – Stand-up comedian known for his relatable humor and engaging performances.

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1. Balancing Fame and Family Dynamics

Timestamp: 01:00 – 05:17

Adam Carolla opens the discussion by delving into the contrasting experiences of fame between himself and his guests, particularly focusing on how their families perceive their public personas.

• Adam Carolla: “Ultimately. End of the day, everything... all we have is you, the listeners.” [01:00]

Carolla shares a personal anecdote about his daughter’s fluctuating affection towards him since his TV series aired on Spike, highlighting the challenges of maintaining familial relationships amid public success.

• Jo Koy: Discusses his own parenting approach, expressing confidence in his son's independence regarding hygiene. [01:53 – 04:02]

• Harley Morenstein: Comments on his second appearance on the show, reflecting on the evolution of his relationship with fame and family support. [04:46 – 05:17]

Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla: “The podcast was no big deal. The books and the live shows was all just stuff I slinked away in the night to go do and then come back.” [04:22]

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2. Navigating the Entertainment Industry

Timestamp: 05:17 – 12:33

The conversation transitions to the impact of television exposure versus podcast popularity, with Carolla emphasizing the differing ways media presence affects personal interactions and recognition.

• Allison Rosen: Explores the reach and immediacy of television compared to podcasts, noting how TV commercials increase public awareness even among non-viewers. [05:17 – 06:24]

• Jo Koy and Harley Morenstein: Share experiences of managing public recognition and maintaining authenticity in their respective fields. [06:25 – 12:33]

Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla: “But okay, commercials running for a show that never came out, that's all they need is people to go campaign. Just a promo campaign for a show that they never make.” [06:12]

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3. Comedy Careers and Personal Struggles

Timestamp: 12:33 – 26:27

Adam and his guests discuss the rigors of live performances, the balance between personal life and career, and the mental toll of constant touring and public scrutiny.

• Jo Koy: Talks about his extensive touring schedule, purchasing multiple tickets for family and friends, and the financial strains it can impose. [11:30 – 12:00]

• Harley Morenstein: Reflects on the dynamics within Epic Meal Time, including the humorous and sometimes challenging interactions among team members. [18:21 – 26:27]

Notable Quote:

• Jo Koy: “Yeah, I’ve had to buy 104 tickets because every friend and family wanted to go.” [11:30]

• Harley Morenstein: “I think it's also a steady diet of other people going, hey, saw your dad on the... that counts. That's official.” [04:46]

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4. Epic Meal Time and Entertainment Entrepreneurship

Timestamp: 26:27 – 54:00

Harley Morenstein takes center stage, discussing the success of Epic Meal Time, his transition into writing a cookbook, and the challenges of adapting an online brand to traditional media formats.

• Harley Morenstein: Describes the creation and execution of over-the-top culinary creations, emphasizing the blend of humor and excess that defines Epic Meal Time. [26:27 – 54:00]

• Adam Carolla and Guests: Engage in playful banter about Harley’s complex recipes, the logistics of filming, and the humorous side of running a large-scale food entertainment operation.

Notable Quote:

• Harley Morenstein: “One time we put a quail inside a Cornish hen, inside a chicken... wrapped in baconators. That was cool.” [55:52]

• Adam Carolla: “That's why it's a weird thing, because my instinct is always like, he's already rich. We don't need to make him richer.” [58:37]

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5. Current Events and Social Commentary

Timestamp: 54:00 – 86:57

The show shifts to news segments presented by Allison Rosen, covering a range of topics from the disappearance of Flight 370 to a disturbing assault case involving young girls inspired by the Slenderman mythos.

• Allison Rosen: Reports on Malaysia’s Prime Minister confirming Flight 370 went down in the southern Indian Ocean after 17 days.

• Harley Morenstein and Jo Koy: React to and discuss the psychological and societal implications of young individuals committing violent acts influenced by internet folklore like Slenderman. [62:46 – 86:57]

Notable Quotes:

• Allison Rosen: “They plan to kill the girl to please Slender Man, a demon-like creature who preys on children.” [62:46]

• Adam Carolla: “We have to separate out the people who take other people's lives from the people that say shitty things.” [75:21]

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6. Light-hearted Segments and Humor Interludes

Timestamp: 86:57 – 155:57

The podcast features various comedic exchanges, including discussions about stunt moves, funny personal stories, and humorous takes on everyday situations. Harley Morenstein and Jo Koy contribute to the humor with their unique perspectives and experiences.

• Harley Morenstein and Jo Koy: Share laughs over anecdotal stories, such as unusual culinary experiments and stand-up experiences. [86:57 – 155:57]

• Allison Rosen: Provides humorous commentary and light-hearted news updates, maintaining an engaging and entertaining atmosphere throughout. [154:45 – 155:57]

Notable Quote:

• Joe Koy: “I'm gonna hit all three of you with my dick like the Stooges.” [32:53]

• Harley Morenstein: “I'm the only one because this... I am shrimp potel guy. I am onion volcano guy.” [150:02]

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7. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

Timestamp: 155:57 – End

Adam Carolla wraps up the episode by promoting Harley Morenstein's new cookbook, upcoming live shows, and various sponsors, ensuring listeners are informed about future content and offerings.

• Adam Carolla: Highlights Harley’s cookbook release and directs listeners to relevant websites for more information. [155:57 – End]

Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla: “Harley’s new book, Epic Meal Time, Everybody available on Amazon.” [155:57]

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Conclusion:

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show offers a blend of insightful conversations about balancing fame with personal life, the entrepreneurial journey of expanding an online brand to traditional media, and commentary on serious social issues, all interspersed with light-hearted humor and engaging anecdotes from guests Harley Morenstein and Jo Koy. The dynamic interactions between the hosts and guests provide listeners with both entertainment and thoughtful reflections on the complexities of modern fame and personal relationships.

Key Takeaways:

• Balancing public success with maintaining genuine family relationships can be challenging for entertainers.
• Expanding an online brand like Epic Meal Time into traditional media requires adaptability and teamwork.
• The influence of internet culture on young minds can have profound and sometimes disturbing consequences.
• Humor and personal stories remain central to connective and engaging podcast content.

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For those who missed the episode, this summary encapsulates the main discussions and highlights shared by Adam Carolla, Harley Morenstein, and Jo Koy, offering a comprehensive overview of their conversations and insights.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast One Premium. You can also find ad free archives for The Adam and Dr. Drew show, the Adam Carolla show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new show, Beat it out through Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com make sure to check out and subscribe. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com let's get to the clips coming first we have Adam Corolla Show 1288 featuring Jay Moore as well as the return of Harley Mornstein. Epic Meal Time himself or the majority of Epic meal Time. Joe Coy, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop. This is Harley's second appearance. We played his first appearance back in March.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks so much for sharing our podcast with a friend. That's all we have. Ultimately. End of the day, everything. When this big snow globe we've all been in that's stuck in a paint can shaker, when it all settles at the end of the day, all we have is you, the listeners. Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's deep. Hello, Adam Carola.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bell brain. You tainted, you know, America.

[Giovanni]

Someone named Amy Dunn wanted that and she hates the way I say top drop, so she asked for a tap drop. She hates the way. Apparently a lot of people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, fuck them.

[Giovanni]

I mean. Thank you for your feedback.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Jo Koy in studio.

[Joe Koy]

Thank you, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. He brought mini Jo Koy with you.

[Joe Koy]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Your young boy with the fro. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Coyboy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Joe Koy]

It's to the point where he doesn't bathe anymore. And as a parent, I feel I've done my job to teach him how to do it. So now I just want his friends to tell him that he stinks because that's the only way he's gonna learn.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point. You basically ride solo on your own hygiene horse. Yeah, but you jumped off your hygiene. I did what?

[Joe Koy]

Well, I. He just doesn't care, though, Adam. He doesn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Like his head stinks. I found food in it before.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Joe Koy]

His nails are always dirty. That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a goose that's laying golden eggs.

[Joe Koy]

But that's why I'm not embarrassed to show you that my son was here, even though you saw how he looked. He looked like he rolled in mud. But he doesn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

My daughter has been in star fucker mode ever since my TV series came on to Spike. Completely. I'm flattered to some degree, laughing at your jokes. Honestly. You lost weight, Pops. Those are working out.

[Giovanni]

Might be out of a job soon.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, honestly, she went through a period where she didn't want to see me or was like, ew. Or wipe her face off after I gave her a kiss or headbutted me when I went to give her a kiss and that kind of stuff. Called me on my cell phone yesterday, wanted to know when I was coming home. Never. Never done that before. Walked in through the front door, got me by the hand, wanted me to sit down next to her on the sofa. Never to watch the contractor show. Of course it is that now. I said before, oh, the static's back now. It went away. My. We'll get to that in a second. My son is just my son. He's always exactly the same. It doesn't matter where Daddy's on TV or on skid row. I'm talking about the band. No, it doesn't matter to him. I'm just his dad. For her, this has taken wild swings in terms of the way she treats me, the way she addresses me, and how she relates to me, versus how many people come up to her and say, I like your dad's show on Spike.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is, in a way, how life should be in another way. Not with your own dad. And thirdly, just shows the wiring between men and women and just how vastly different they are.

[Giovanni]

Well, you're hot now.

[Joe Koy]

This is from the contractor show. What about the Adam before that?

[Adam Carolla]

She had no.

[Joe Koy]

She had no idea about this show.

[Adam Carolla]

The podcast was no big deal. The books and the live shows was all just stuff I slinked away in the night to go do and then come back. But she wasn't really. I imagine if she went to a big theater and watched a 90 minute live show, she might be impressed. Although I don't think she could get in, frankly.

[Allison Rosen]

She's just not into new media.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Not her thing. But somehow being on tv, for a kid, at least that counts. That's official. And I think it's also a steady diet of other people going, hey, saw your dad on the. That, of course, is. She's absorbed that as well. But anyway, completely different human being. And especially Sunday nights when the show. When the show airs.

[Allison Rosen]

What's interesting to me, is just the difference in the reach between television and podcasts. Because by the numbers, doesn't this podcast reach the same as the TV shows reach or something like that? But yet Adam was saying yesterday that when he was up at Laguna Seca, he noticed the difference being on TV makes just in a couple days. Because so many people were stopping you. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what it is? I think tv, they run a lot of commercials. They run a lot of spots and marathons and things like that, and they pop up all over the place. So even if people don't watch your show, they go, oh, hey, they know you have one. See, 90% of the people just come up and go, hey, you're working on that thing. Good for you. That's all. All you really would need to get laid and to be popular with your children. Not in the same. Under the same roof. Yeah, would be.

[Giovanni]

Usually one handles the other.

[Adam Carolla]

But okay, commercials running for a show that never came out, that's all they need is people to go campaign. Just a promo campaign for a show that they never make.

[Joe Koy]

Coming soon, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Although, don't. You know, it's funny, People don't even watch things. They just go, hey, you got that new thing out, huh? And then you go, you like the show? I've seen the spots. Look, you know, I saw a story.

[Allison Rosen]

About you in the something, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The 21 second spot I saw was really compelling shit, man. Like, good for you. It's a weird thing. They are at ease knowing that you're on tv. Or they feel somehow like your life is different now again, they don't have to see the show. They just all. There's no way the math would ever break down. I mean, we were at Chili's. Also, there's a weird warmover thing, too, which is when we went to Chili's at the. Where the hell were Embassy Suites? In the parking lot. Embassy Suites last weekend. We're going big time. Bunch of people came up to me to, you know, not bother me. There was the guy at the Embassy Suites bar that didn't want to bother me on seven different occasions.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he kept coming back. And then you said something about like, oh, my phone's almost dead, and he came back with a charger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Which was nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Perks of fame. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought that was sweet of him. Yeah. Either way, they just know you're back in the game where. So as before, they go, they might recognize Jo Koy or they might recognize Adam Carolla, but they recognize us as people that used to be on tv, which is not enough for them to get up and send over a drink or get up and go say hi. They go, oh, there's that guy from wondering what he's up to. Now you're back. So you got a booster shot or something? I don't know what the hell it was. But anyway, my daughter is total star fucker, and my son is exactly the same as he ever was.

[Allison Rosen]

Does Lynette treat you any differently?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, it was funny because Lynette, oh, my God, it's exciting. I came home last night, pretty late Sunday night. I came home and Lynette said, oh, the kids are pumped up. They want to watch the show. They want to watch it with you. They've never been into that kind of thing. The show's on Sunday nights. And so I came in and I said. I sat down, and Lynette said, okay, we're going to watch it. And I said, okay. And we sat down and we started watching one that was three weeks old. And I said, well, this isn't tonight's episode. This one's three weeks old. And she said, hey, I haven't seen him yet. This is my first one. I was like, oh, okay. So not as big a fan, I would say, but that's the way I like it.

[Giovanni]

But not a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Not. Not a fan? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Closer to not a fan or has.

[Joe Koy]

To be a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Candice, kind of.

[Allison Rosen]

She's just waiting to watch it with Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Has to be. No, I mean, you guys can tell me, but I believe that in the last three years, I have done 500 live shows, and I think Lynette went to one. I mean, you've never seen her at a show, have you? No, I haven't, actually, but it's symbiotic. I don't want her to be at the show, and I don't think she wants to be at the show. She doesn't not want to be at the show.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm trying to think if I've ever seen her at a show.

[Adam Carolla]

You've never seen her?

[Joe Koy]

I didn't see her at the Christmas party.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember when Brian and I received an email from her when we were about to do a show where she said to let you know that you'd left the bathroom light on and, like, the heater on or something.

[Adam Carolla]

That was for you to bring up on stage to humiliate the show. Me? No, she's never been to a show. I like it that way. Which is a weird. I can't explain to you why, but if you come from where I come from, you look at people, you know, and you love being in the audience as a burden.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's the truth. And the sad thing is, with no upside. And that's really the sad part, because, of course, the upside would be them immensely enjoying their husband's work or their son's work or their life partner's work or whatever it is. But for me, all I ever think of is gonna have to make sure Mike puts passes by the door, and then I want to check back with Mike and see if they're comps and his name and where should they park and all that kind of stuff. The only upside is they saw me do something funny and that there's no upside. I don't know, Joe.

[Joe Koy]

I played Vegas. I played Vegas last week.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna talk about. Elaborate on this show situation. And it's my hometown, which is where I should just be completely sold out. And, I mean, it was packed, but I had to purchase 104 tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Joe Koy]

And we can talk to Chip about this because he had to give me a discount. But I purchased 104 because I exceeded my comp, because every friend and family wanted to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Koy]

And then, of course, the new cousins came out, these new aunts that I had no idea were my aunts, but now I had to buy them tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you sure they are.

[Joe Koy]

No, they're. There's. I only have three people that are in my family, and the rest are just friends of my mom's, I would imagine had 19 people, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Koy]

19 people.

[Adam Carolla]

I imagine he's very proud.

[Joe Koy]

I took up one whole credit card. I just maxed out one. I'm not even joking right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess you end up marrying kind of what you're used to. And you've never seen a family member I don't believe at a live show of yours.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, Jim Crow was on stage once.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted to play his trumpet. Yeah, on stage.

[Giovanni]

Technically, I got you beat.

[Adam Carolla]

True. But have you ever seen a Corolla member? Now, none of them live in Montana. They all live here. They're all striking.

[Giovanni]

Specifically.

[Allison Rosen]

Olga's daughter came once.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, my nanny's daughter came. Well, so that's where I come from. I come from an entire group of family that will never go to a live show, has no idea and not interested.

[Giovanni]

I've still never met your sister.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I haven't either.

[Adam Carolla]

She's out. She's in Topanga.

[Giovanni]

Oh, okay. Well, that explains that. Those 11 and a half miles are pretty.

[Joe Koy]

She's all the 101. And you know how the 101 is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the 101. Get it?

[Joe Koy]

It's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, that's where I come from. And then you end up marrying kind of what you come from, I guess. Or what you're used to now. I like it that way. And Lynette's thing is, I'll stay home with the kids. You know, like, I need to hear, by the way, hear you complain about again. How about a little vacation for me? And I like it that way. But it's to the point where she doesn't know the show I'm working on or hasn't seen it or doesn't know what's going on. And it seems weird, but in a way, maybe it's pure. In a bizarre way.

[Allison Rosen]

Which part is pure?

[Adam Carolla]

Meaning she's not with me or not basing her love of me on how much success I have in basic cable?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. You never have to worry about that.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't need her to validate me. Like, I honestly don't know if she's read any of my books. I have no idea. I'm assuming maybe she did. I don't. I really don't know. And I don't mean this in a bad way, but she hasn't read any of my books. I don't think she's a little behind on her Catch a contractor. She likes the Paul Newman doc. I forced her to watch that. But it's pure in the sense that she's not with me because I'm on tv. She likes me for me. And the TV part is superfluous. And so that part is healthy. And then the other part, that's healthy and is sort of fucked up dead inside, no nerve endings kind of way is I don't need her to watch the TV show at all. That doesn't matter. I like that she likes the TV show but has it is neither here nor there. 100%. She could not see one episode and I'd be completely cool with it.

[Allison Rosen]

It does sound like a really healthy separation of career and family and relationship. Extreme, but good. But I know that she listens to the podcast.

[Joe Koy]

But the way you're venting right now makes me believe that you wish she did watch and pay attention to you more.

[Adam Carolla]

Troublemaker. Troublemaker.

[Giovanni]

Can I ask you an honest slash uncomfortable question?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Do you look at my relationship with Christy as the opposite? Like she comes to 1 out of every 10 live shows? I would say it's Pretty fair. Do you think of that as like the way you ever mentioned a codependent?

[Allison Rosen]

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[Giovanni]

And whatever you said, I forgot the word you said. But do you look at that as validating? You said validating. Do you think that's that or is.

[Adam Carolla]

That a healthy when we got the batch of everything cookies to take with you on the road, she was not.

[Giovanni]

There, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's where I knew we had a little different relationship with our wives.

[Giovanni]

That's her relationship with her oven. She loves that thing more than me.

[Joe Koy]

Possibly.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette calls that the box with fire.

[Allison Rosen]

We did a show somewhere and Brian, you met up with us and you had cookies and beer in your hand that Christy had called ahead and had she had them put in the room.

[Giovanni]

I know. That was like Seattle and. Or Portland.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. That was nice.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that was very sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a little bit different. I leave the house at 7am, come home at 7:30 in the evening, see everyone's eating In N out burger and go. Did you get one for me? And then I get the. Oh, did you want. I don't know. Did you want food? Yeah, no, no. I took a protein suppository on my drive home from shooting. So I'm fine. It's just starting to kick in now. I'm gonna go to my chamber and go to sleep. Yeah. Yes. Extra. And then I get the I didn't know if you wanted something or not. And I'm like, well, it's 7 o' clock. I work for 14 hours and yeah, but as I always say, like maybe I don't. I have the extra burger there. I'll eat it the next day. Starting to train. I'm coaching her up. She's doing okay. Did some juicing today. Got my juiced me up for a.

[Giovanni]

Oh, got juice ready for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good.

[Giovanni]

We did an audiobook today. So you got to have that.

[Adam Carolla]

Got the juice going. Yeah. So it is. I'm what Joe was saying and to answer both of you now wait, I.

[Joe Koy]

Want to say something real quick. Yes, I'm Sorry to interrupt you.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, go ahead.

[Joe Koy]

The reason why I said that is because I get a lot of girls that I dated, and then it always seems like they. They didn't know me before. They always act like, oh, I didn't. And you're on what again? Chelsea.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Corolla.

[Joe Koy]

They always do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Shay Moore in studio for making his way in studio. Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Jo Coy, Jay Moore, buddy.

[Joe Koy]

Do you want me to leave now?

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice.

[Joe Koy]

All right, I'll see you guys later.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, we got a real comedian.

[Bald Brian]

Two thirds of the trilogy are here, right? David Ellen Greer coming in.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, by the way, what you and Christy have is marvelous. Makes me want to vomit, but I understand it very well.

[Bald Brian]

We still doing the floaters?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we might float on Jay Moore in studio. We'll switch gears with Jay Moore. Jay. I should. Jay has me on this, his podcast periodically, his radio show very often, and just one of the true talents in the industry and a great. I'll just say underrated actor, because I don't think Jay gets his due for how good he is as an actor. Not a comedian actor.

[Giovanni]

I'm with you on that. I was watching a horrible movie today on HBO called the Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Jay was the best part of that movie, far and away.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you know, you're in there with, like, Maris and Mantle. You're in the middle of that lineup when you're out living with. I don't know why I sound like Barry Katz today.

[Joe Koy]

I'm sorry, man.

[Bald Brian]

You're in there with Steve Carell and, you know, Buscemi. Oddly hysterical that nobody knows. So, yeah, I'd love you. Have a good time. I won't take.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw him at the bar scene in the movie as well. And always J. Just an amazing. And an amazing actor, and that's why he's gonna be. Have a nice part in my film.

[Bald Brian]

My wife told me, tell everyone I love them, but tell Adam I love him very inconveniently and explicitly.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, interesting. Does she go to your shows? Does she support you?

[Bald Brian]

No, she's already written all the material. So all I gotta do is go and press play. It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Does Nikki write that? I know she's funny and I know she's.

[Bald Brian]

You know what she'll write? I'll do an hour of stuff that I never would have thought of if she didn't say, you should talk about this, this, this, this, this, this, and so, like, I'll tag it, tag it, tag it. And it'll be an hour. But I wouldn't have had, like, I wouldn't like the whole bit about a couple that stays together. You don't have anything to do. You don't have to have anything in common to stay married. You don't have to have similar likes, similar hates. Like, that's like a thread throughout the entire show with, like, callback after callback and like, that's her sentence. And like, with a couple examples, and then I just go bananas.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette actually does the same thing.

[Bald Brian]

She writes for me too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Should do this, this, and this. But you're right. Similar, similar hates.

[Bald Brian]

I like the Black Crows. She doesn't like the Black Crows. We both hate Counting Crows. Round here comes on. We run over pedestrians for fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Because it's Adam Dershowitz with, like, dreadlocks.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I, I, I agree. Hey, you know what?

[Bald Brian]

Are you a silent partner?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. Well, you know what? We need a lawyer. Alan Dershawn Dershowitz.

[Bald Brian]

Who's the guy from Counting Crows?

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Giovanni]

Adam Derwitz.

[Bald Brian]

How about this bad?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what list? We need to put together a list of the top 10 dudes were pissed off about getting laid and all time. Or Adam Durwitz would be dur. Yeah, yeah, Durit. Sorry.

[Bald Brian]

I'm more upset with the cash than they're getting laid. I don't care where they put stuff that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I want the.

[Bald Brian]

I want Jacob Dylan made money off. Covering Heroes by Bowie to me is an unpardonable sin.

[Adam Carolla]

Ollie's getting his dick sucked by.

[Bald Brian]

Just think of the egomania to go. Yeah, I could cover any song. Give me back My Bullets by Skinner. That's. Nobody knows that one. And it's great, you know, I'm gonna cover Fucking Heroes, one of the greatest songs ever. And I'm gonna make it better. Cause I'm Jacob Dylan. My luscious, beautiful Andy Pettit lips.

[Adam Carolla]

No, now hold on a second.

[Bald Brian]

It's fucking hot. That guy sucks. Fucking what?

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? I think that George Clooney gets laid and nobody has a beef with it. Then there's the guys who get. Then there are the guys who get laid that we are pissed off about them getting laid.

[Allison Rosen]

Now where are you with, like, David Spade?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like it.

[Allison Rosen]

John Maynard.

[Bald Brian]

You know what?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like it.

[Bald Brian]

I'm throwing a challenge flag on the field for Spade, having worked with Spade. Spade grew up getting his teeth kicked in his whole life. 105 pound, quintessential weakling. Then he hits Saturday Night Live, realizes He is the cachet of the hottest ticket in town and goes, I will go to the Ford model party and just crush ass. Because this has never been. I'd be in Arizona just doing, like, a weird job.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I understand. He's making hay while the sun shines. And the sun has not set on his hay.

[Bald Brian]

It's like a Scandinavian sun.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's never going. It's never going down either way. He. I still don't like it. He's a little too short, but they're the guys we're okay with. I want to know that list of guys. The Counting Crows guy we're all pissed at. Any Jewish guy with dreadlocks who's banging people. Paulie Shore, we don't like. We don't.

[Bald Brian]

Where do you put Pauly Shore in your bracket?

[Joe Koy]

I. I appreciate any guy that gets laid for being funny.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Bald Brian]

You're not running for office.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just being laid for being funny or being the wheeze. You know what I'm saying?

[Bald Brian]

The guy made squirrel noises at spring break mtv. And Joe KO Is like, let's not judge him. He could have went with the bear suit instead.

[Joe Koy]

You know, I am for any guy that can get pussy for free. That's just.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay? What about, like, a public douchebag? Someone that you look at and you're.

[Bald Brian]

Like, Villa Rugosa I loathe. Because he was getting laid in the company dime and he was married.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Supposed to be running la, and he's out, like, trotting around.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like him getting laid. We've decided that John Mayer may be.

[Giovanni]

Adam Duritz is a top 10 candidate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's a trouble.

[Bald Brian]

Adam Duritz, whatever his name is. He can't play guitar like John Mayer. Any guy who picks up the guitar, okay. And can break out your bodies at Wonderland, like, to some fucking seven off the boat from Oklahoma. That's how it's supposed to go down. Billy Corgan got laid.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, he was.

[Bald Brian]

Giant, lumbering bald man.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like him.

[Joe Koy]

There's one right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Moby.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. I don't feel like. I feel like he just sobs and strokes the woman. Or turns it down anyways. Yeah. He doesn't.

[Joe Koy]

I don't think he's that kind of guy. He gets thrown his way.

[Adam Carolla]

He's vegan.

[Bald Brian]

He's a notorious hound.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he?

[Bald Brian]

No. I don't know. What about Carrot Top? Two at a time. He needs a pussy helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

You said pussy earlier. I'M going with what Jo Kway said.

[Adam Carolla]

Two at a time. Two.

[Bald Brian]

I call him Scott.

[Adam Carolla]

See?

[Bald Brian]

You know babe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

In showbiz. You know each other's real names, right? I was talking to Leonard Hackett. Buddy Hackett. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

You know him? Probably, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

But no Carrot Top. Two at a time or not interested, really. And that was when he was just, like, doing colleges. That was before Vegas and Carrot Top and the Muscles and all that shit. When he was just Carrot. A Carrot Top guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You fucking staple a baby onto a board and go, baby on board. And that gets your dick sucked by two.

[Joe Koy]

Do you think. Do you think before he gets it out?

[Bald Brian]

But he pulls it out of a trailer.

[Adam Carolla]

It's on a board. It's a baby on board.

[Bald Brian]

It's because it's literal. Yeah, it's the best. You think humor knows no language.

[Joe Koy]

Do you think he ever just pulls out props that he's never shown before just to get pussy like this? I've never showed anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Bald Brian]

He just shows his driver's license, bank statement.

[Adam Carolla]

He has the most diabolical act in the world.

[Bald Brian]

Bank statement first. It would've been so good.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the most diabolical act in the world because he pulls the shit out of the box, looks at it and goes, oh, this is stupid. And then throws it away. Who put in the fucking box and said it was funny in the first place?

[Bald Brian]

What's great is the next thing he pulls out is like a toilet seat with teeth marks in it. And he's like, okay, this one. I don't want to waste your time.

[Harley Mornstein]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then he goes, ah, this is dumb. And then he throws that one away.

[Bald Brian]

But aren't you like me, Adam, when you reach a certain age? When I hit, like 40, all I really care about is like, are they nice? I don't care what any comic is doing on stage if it's not my cup of tea.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

But if I am, I'm. Can I be backstage with this person, have a conversation without them being like a complete mental patient? And are they nice?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And he's a guy that's like, nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And I would say even sort of tortured in his own way. I mean, does he seem tortured to you? Like, uncomfortable in his own stretched out skin?

[Bald Brian]

Well, he named himself Carrot Top.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But I mean, uncomfortable.

[Bald Brian]

I think that's an unspoken like. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, but what I'm saying is it's like I've interviewed the Scott. Scotty, as I call him. Wow. Scotty.

[Bald Brian]

Other level show business still Coming is a really nice. You should.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a really nice guy who feels almost tormented.

[Bald Brian]

I don't. What, AM I, fucking Dr. Drew now?

[Adam Carolla]

A millisecond ago, you guys were best friends.

[Bald Brian]

Me and Scott?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, whatever. You guys know comedians. You're from fucking Vegas. Jo Koy. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Bald Brian]

You're from Vegas.

[Joe Koy]

Yes, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You knew he had two chicks at once. Yeah, like two Tall Jones.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it? Cause he's trying to fuck the pain away.

[Bald Brian]

Fuck the pain away. You know that song?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Bald Brian]

You're the best. My wife. I can't even tell you how many times my wife and I have been laying in bed and she'll go, tell me again about Carrot Top and the pussy. And I'll go, he needs it two at a time. And she goes, really? I go. I swear to God. She goes like, how? Like if there's one hot woman, he's like, get your friend and come back to me. Like, I have to keep resetting it because it's so fantastic a tale.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. So he's. He's like somebody. I mean, he's so busy with pussy that he just doesn't have time. He'll never get the body count.

[Bald Brian]

Don't fuck the man, honey.

[Allison Rosen]

Huh?

[Bald Brian]

She's a fucking pig. Get your friend, you animal.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, Dice.

[Bald Brian]

It's my Pacino.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Are you gonna tell me Joe Coy is your first and last name? Come on, you're gonna kid a kidder. My eyes are big. I'm making a point. Brian is still bald.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah, so is Joe. Hey, let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors, barkbox baby. Barkbox.com monthly box of four to six full size products. Innovative, durable toys, leashes, treats and more, all made in the US of a.100% natural. Elk and caribou, wild boar and other lean wild meats. Keep your dog fit and healthy. They got three monthly plans tailored for your dog size. And we got this for beautiful, poor little Molly girl. Barkbox committed to helping the homeless dogs. By the way, 10% of the revenue goes to shelters across the U.S. and Canada. And you can save 20% off your new subscription by visiting barkbox.com Adam. That's barkbox.com Adam. Yes. There's Molly girl. Now she's wearing a shirt and a sock.

[Bald Brian]

Did you sign her cash boner?

[Adam Carolla]

She's a mess.

[Giovanni]

I have a guy that I fit both of your lists, the money list and the pussy list, to upset you both. Fred Durst.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Made a lot of money, banged a lot of puss.

[Joe Koy]

He still wears the red hat backwards.

[Bald Brian]

Otherwise, nobody will say, who are you again.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, it's like, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

You know who I am?

[Bald Brian]

It's like Woody Allen with those glasses.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Like, I don't know who this guy is with contacts coming and asking for special treatment. Like, hold on, let me.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Bald Brian]

You put these on real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred. Me. Friend of mine wrote a movie that he loved that he wanted to direct.

[Bald Brian]

Blue Jasmine.

[Adam Carolla]

And. No, different movie, different dude. And he wrote a sports movie that he's in love with. And he's like, I want to direct this myself. And they're like, you can't direct it. We've got somebody else to direct it. Fred Durst is going to direct it. I swear to God. Swear to God. You can look it up. It's a football movie about a black chick, like, a true story, that played in a, like, junior high football team. Fred Durst did a wonderful job with my script. That's Nick Santori. Yeah. That's the point. I mean, could you.

[Joe Koy]

Fred.

[Bald Brian]

To men.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you. Could you imagine? Can you. Man, Big Mama got all.

[Bald Brian]

Well, it was audible.

[Adam Carolla]

Big Mama, why we gotta call audibles.

[Bald Brian]

At the law and scrimmage?

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is the play is to play. No, no, Big Mama.

[Bald Brian]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

We were talking about my mom not coming out to any shows, not supporting me.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, she should.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I know. It ain't.

[Bald Brian]

You're very funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I'm saying.

[Joe Koy]

You probably get your mom good seats.

[Bald Brian]

Have you told her about the seating arrangements?

[Adam Carolla]

The seating arrangements?

[Bald Brian]

You sit right up front. You're my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I could. I just don't feel like I got that kind of support from her. You know what I'm saying?

[Bald Brian]

You want me to come see TV show.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I want. I'm there.

[Bald Brian]

When's the next show?

[Adam Carolla]

Promote it. You know what? I think you should get a podcast.

[Bald Brian]

Something on the Interweb.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Internet. Yeah. Redondo Beach Performing Arts center. This Thursday, will Mark Myaron be the who?

[Bald Brian]

Marc Maron.

[Adam Carolla]

Just Mark who?

[Bald Brian]

Marc Maron.

[Adam Carolla]

Marc Marin.

[Bald Brian]

The boy that's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, he's funny.

[Bald Brian]

Hates himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I may dislike himself. He's gonna be there. He should be more happy.

[Bald Brian]

No one told him he's successful.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I just feel like guys will lose their edge, you know?

[Bald Brian]

You're on TV, baby. Big smile like Bobby McFerrin.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm.

[Bald Brian]

Don't get me started on Bobby McFarlane.

[Adam Carolla]

You think? He's fine.

[Bald Brian]

He hung like a mule, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is he. Is he still alive?

[Bald Brian]

Can only do it standing up in the pantry.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to be around dry goods.

[Bald Brian]

You got it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

Are you talking about Bobby McFerry?

[Bald Brian]

I'm sorry, Daddy.

[Joe Koy]

Why every time we go out, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta talk about Bobby McFerre?

[Bald Brian]

I never saw nothing. I never saw. It's Johnny Carson.

[Joe Koy]

From now on, you need to talk about me. We go out, you gotta bring up Bobby Ferret Brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Brown. There we go.

[Joe Koy]

I can do that.

[Bald Brian]

He hit me.

[Harley Mornstein]

Leave.

[Bald Brian]

He make a point, Brown Sugar. Make a point. And then he steps out, starts humming a tune like nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mow the lawn.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, the lawn been mowed twice today.

[Joe Koy]

I'm about to mow again. You shut the up.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's abusive. You're saying, ain't that the dude from the contractors?

[Bald Brian]

That's him. That's my son on spoke tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam.

[Joe Koy]

Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're saying, huh?

[Bald Brian]

Say what now?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's hung a Bobby McFar in his son?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, Lord, you wonder why he hums all the time. Don't worry, be happy. Look at the size of it in the pantry. Only you know why with the dry goods. Cause with him, you never know when there'll be destruction and you'll be a shut in. Just you and Bobby and all his dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he could literally ruin you.

[Bald Brian]

I'm sorry, Brown. I have to say for the next.

[Adam Carolla]

That's bullshit, Brown Sugar. Look at this dick.

[Joe Koy]

Look at.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, look at this.

[Bald Brian]

I love it. Count the rings, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that dick. Look at that dick, Adam.

[Joe Koy]

Look at that dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at it. I know all of it. Look at.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, Adam, you can look at a man's dick.

[Harley Mornstein]

Adam.

[Joe Koy]

Look down towards my feet.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't look at my feet.

[Bald Brian]

Adam's doing.

[Joe Koy]

Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I got an a frame ladder to put my dick.

[Bald Brian]

That's 14 chin ups.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom.

[Bald Brian]

Doing the core workout.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm saying I'm always ready this.

[Joe Koy]

Huh? You done talking about Bobby?

[Adam Carolla]

Fair. Sure.

[Bald Brian]

Him.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's Adam Corolla's World I'm about slap. Are you guys. Did you guys date or something you and Big mama got on?

[Joe Koy]

I just know this.

[Bald Brian]

This is my friend Brandon Tr. We met at the Pearl Vision center getting our eyes. Did you have 2010 vision?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't know that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, Brown Sugar came up with these big old glasses smudged his. And I said, let me clean your glasses. Next thing you know, we're in a.

[Adam Carolla]

Honda car and I'm fucking Is that you guys ready to Pearl vision, baby. That's what he is.

[Joe Koy]

I need to buy focals.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Joe Koy]

Biofocals.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to buy some focals.

[Joe Koy]

No, I need a biofocal.

[Bald Brian]

B O W B. Like a bio vocal.

[Joe Koy]

Who's this you're a you talking to?

[Bald Brian]

Hey, that's my sign.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna purchase focals.

[Joe Koy]

Biofocals.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you did purchase them as well.

[Joe Koy]

Yes, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you say bifocals.

[Joe Koy]

Exactly. I couldn't see both ways.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought I said I'm gonna buy focals. Buy focals. Have you ever went into a lenscraft.

[Joe Koy]

Is asking for focals.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm all upset.

[Adam Carolla]

Here it comes. Watch your fe. Brian.

[Harley Mornstein]

Brian's all right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's square. I'll slap that. I didn't mean to offend you all.

[Bald Brian]

Get off of there. You got to hurt yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now put my dick back in.

[Joe Koy]

I didn't see the lady here. I never see the dick like this.

[Bald Brian]

That's Allison Rosen.

[Joe Koy]

Allison's looking at it like it's another standing next to me.

[Adam Carolla]

The room you guys met at Brown Sugar's deck Pearl. Pearl Vision.

[Bald Brian]

No, that's the name of his deck Pearl.

[Joe Koy]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And then you went out to the Honda and had just had Honda corner.

[Bald Brian]

We just started. I think you put it best, baby. Yeah, it yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

The out of this lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

I'll myself really wow.

[Joe Koy]

And all over my hunger.

[Adam Carolla]

And did you fold the seat back or was it. Oh, I guess you either Adam, listen. Sorry. Why you got this is what happened it.

[Joe Koy]

As we were. She looked at me, said hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Joe Koy]

Pull the panties down.

[Adam Carolla]

And took a trying to do a pant.

[Bald Brian]

He's a crazy man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

She go, I want here in your Honda.

[Bald Brian]

Where the am I supposed to go? In the Pearl Vision center and behind the ey lz ZBB and I no.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn.

[Joe Koy]

Sht the in my car right the of passion.

[Bald Brian]

It was a passion.

[Joe Koy]

And she go. She look at me and said, you the shit out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

I go, you just shit interior.

[Bald Brian]

You should be proud of yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Cloth interior. Yes. Yeah. Okay. All right. Not too often. No option.

[Joe Koy]

Just kind of smeared the shit all over the place.

[Bald Brian]

But it looked nice. It was brown. It was great.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't shit on a cloth interior, big mama. I can't help it. I was.

[Bald Brian]

You saw that roll of black tar paper he took out and laid on top of the roof. The motherfucker's hung.

[Joe Koy]

My dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Bald Brian]

Look at this Allison step. Brian, back up now.

[Adam Carolla]

Back up.

[Bald Brian]

Look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, back up, back up. Yeah, back up. I got to step back. We got to feed his.

[Joe Koy]

Standing on the middle of my dick.

[Harley Mornstein]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't.

[Bald Brian]

You're on it.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Bald Brian]

Come on now. You knew that was no Alison look.

[Joe Koy]

Like she want to kiss it.

[Bald Brian]

It's got the sticker on it. We got to feed it little white mice. Only one at a time now. Cuz if he's got one mice in its mouth, other mice will chew a hole through the middle of the dick. In the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. One at a time.

[Bald Brian]

The teeth never stop growing, the mice.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're rodentia.

[Bald Brian]

What'd you say?

[Joe Koy]

Just to it. Well.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you put a mouse.

[Joe Koy]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You got your dick drained.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So the way you.

[Bald Brian]

Why are you so confused with brown sugars?

[Adam Carolla]

Because I just.

[Joe Koy]

Hey, Adam, this is what we call big dick problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Problems you travel with.

[Joe Koy]

You probably don't have these problems, right?

[Bald Brian]

You travel with a mice. A mice you travel with. You tell the one mice. Show mice. Costume mice. And there's your travel mice.

[Adam Carolla]

Mouse mice. You just travel to one though, right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, one mice.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's just the one. One is a mouse, I think.

[Bald Brian]

What the you laughing at? I've been good to you. Alice and Rosen pot roast last week.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what? It's right. They don't call it the miceketeers. And that's more than one mice. See? Mouseketeers.

[Joe Koy]

K E Y.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Harley Mornstein]

Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

It should be the Mikey mice club.

[Joe Koy]

You travel Justin Timberlake.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say that river, you guys. You travel with the one mice.

[Bald Brian]

Speak up.

[Adam Carolla]

You travel with the mice. Yeah, with a mouse.

[Bald Brian]

I'm gonna take it.

[Joe Koy]

All clear and articulate, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Would your computer keyboard have a mice next to it or mouse computer.

[Bald Brian]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

The computer.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, we're not fancy, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I mean you guys have off the grid.

[Joe Koy]

You mean Google?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, well, that's on the computer. You have a computer?

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, Google.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that sits next to your computer would be a mice or a mouse.

[Joe Koy]

You calling me stupid, motherfucker?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just saying you have a.

[Joe Koy]

Don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Ask me difficult questions.

[Bald Brian]

Backed him back up.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going to cramp.

[Bald Brian]

It's going to cramp and get angry.

[Joe Koy]

I'm going hit all three of you with my dick like the Stooges.

[Bald Brian]

Take it to Rondo Beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I ask this? You guys went out.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I like that show that. That Italian fellow Tricked them contractors into finishing the job. That man likable and nice.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, he said, you got to finish the job.

[Bald Brian]

And they got them all the way back, embarrassed on the television. You know what it is, Brown sugar? They held accountable.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, accountable?

[Bald Brian]

The contractors are held accountable.

[Adam Carolla]

Cannonball.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, no, they're held accountable.

[Bald Brian]

They're held accountable.

[Joe Koy]

Whatever the they don't do.

[Giovanni]

Where are the block contractors?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, we don't contract.

[Adam Carolla]

Contract.

[Bald Brian]

We don't contract. We just build things. We don't put fancy names on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

We just do everything under the guy.

[Bald Brian]

I wanted to put on a show to catch people that build stuff. We win.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But I'm still not, I'm sure, about the cannibal part, the cannonball part.

[Bald Brian]

Cannibals eat human bands.

[Joe Koy]

Well, it's your show, ain't it?

[Adam Carolla]

I just don't know what you. Oh, so when they don't do the.

[Joe Koy]

Right, they're held accountable, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what's the problem? No, I know now. I understand what you're talking about.

[Bald Brian]

You've done your push ups.

[Joe Koy]

It's been a while to do something right now, so bang them out, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Take a shit. Don't shit in here.

[Bald Brian]

No, I'm not gonna shit in here.

[Joe Koy]

On this motherfucker's computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Computer.

[Joe Koy]

He fancy this motherfucker with Google over here.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not showing off. I just assumed he had a computer, that's all. That's why I just.

[Bald Brian]

Most people, what would I need with my computer?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I don't know. Huh? Say what?

[Allison Rosen]

Huh?

[Joe Koy]

She said, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I look, I feel like we're going down a. You know. Answer the question.

[Bald Brian]

You know, you must, you know I love you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

You like Redondo Beach Performing Arts Center?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You like the shop? Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Let it go. I mean, it was about a month ago.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a month.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's, that's the, that's, you know, that's the distant, distant past 30 days. What?

[Bald Brian]

30 nights.

[Adam Carolla]

You like to shop for things, right?

[Joe Koy]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You buy dresses?

[Bald Brian]

I buy my prescription when I go to my local pharmacy.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. And so if you went on Mr. Wong. Rx. Rx? Yep.

[Joe Koy]

That's your prescription?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If you want online. What? Rx? Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

What's the problem?

[Bald Brian]

Why are you confused?

[Joe Koy]

You never go to a drugstore, ask for your Rx.

[Bald Brian]

Give me my Rx.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me get some Rx Because I'm.

[Bald Brian]

Next I'm in line I want my Rx because I'm next I make a little rhyme out of it if the line's long, I'll figure out how I'm gonna rhyme Rx to make the man feel nice. Mr. Wong.

[Adam Carolla]

Wong. Mr. Who?

[Bald Brian]

Mr. Wong, my pharmacist.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pharmacy. Oh, oh, the pharmacist. Are you on medication? Like blood thinning stuff?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I got the sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

The blood sugar?

[Bald Brian]

I got the sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got the high blood sugar, huh?

[Bald Brian]

I got the sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so you'd have to give insulin shots?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I got the insulin and also got irritable bowel syndrome.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you hypoglycemic?

[Bald Brian]

Well, I'm not hypo nothing.

[Joe Koy]

Would you call my baby.

[Adam Carolla]

You call her something.

[Joe Koy]

What the hell is happening with glitch?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen. Hypoglycerin hydroglyphics disrespecting you.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I think.

[Joe Koy]

Trying to use big words.

[Adam Carolla]

Medications. Medication, Medications.

[Bald Brian]

My Araxes. I got insulin.

[Adam Carolla]

Insulin, right, insulin.

[Bald Brian]

I drink a bottle of ammonium when I wake up. For my bowels, keep them regulating.

[Adam Carolla]

Ammonium, ammonia.

[Giovanni]

A whole bottle?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You never heard of Amodium? A.D. it's A.D. i think it's A.D.

[Joe Koy]

What'S that spelling, motherfucker? Spell it, say it.

[Adam Carolla]

Add emo.

[Bald Brian]

Hey, look, we're teaching Little Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

How to get everybody.

[Joe Koy]

Every time I can't, I go to see Mr. Wong. Yeah. And I go, excuse me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not any of that emotional AD no, it's just. I think you should call it.

[Joe Koy]

You know what he said I got right here for you?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, that's good.

[Joe Koy]

I got that right here for you.

[Bald Brian]

I thought he walked in the room.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not what he sounds like.

[Bald Brian]

That's exactly it.

[Adam Carolla]

What would it sound like if Big Mama got it all spoke to Mr. Wong? I mean, like, ask Mr. Wong.

[Bald Brian]

Do you have my prescription?

[Joe Koy]

Oh, hello.

[Bald Brian]

Hi, Mr. Wong.

[Joe Koy]

Hi, Big Mama.

[Bald Brian]

I like the haircut, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking young. I'll take you.

[Joe Koy]

Just one bow for me, then. Just cut in a circle.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect cut every time.

[Bald Brian]

You lucky.

[Joe Koy]

I call it mushroom.

[Bald Brian]

Mushroom cut. Not the stem though, right?

[Joe Koy]

Never the stem. Oh, Big Mama.

[Bald Brian]

I shit myself in my husband's condor corn.

[Joe Koy]

You want some more of that Amodium?

[Bald Brian]

I would like some Amodium. I need my Xanax, balls. My medical marijuana. And I also need my. My. My insulin for my sugar, mister.

[Joe Koy]

I got it already. Did you stop eating sugar?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bald Brian]

That's why I'm tom that down.

[Joe Koy]

Come on, you need to calm that down.

[Bald Brian]

I love how you Wore by me, Mr. Wall.

[Joe Koy]

I just really think about you. Don't want you to Die.

[Bald Brian]

I think about you too, Mr. Wall. Got choked up.

[Joe Koy]

I threw in a little extra inso in.

[Adam Carolla]

Little what?

[Joe Koy]

A little extra insulin.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you throw in?

[Joe Koy]

A little extra insulin.

[Adam Carolla]

Threw extra in eating.

[Joe Koy]

Eating.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir. Sir.

[Joe Koy]

Rin.

[Adam Carolla]

Rin for her insulin. Oh, insulin. You threw in some extra insulin.

[Joe Koy]

You are what big mama call dumb.

[Bald Brian]

No, I would never say that about my. Now, y' all crossing the swords here.

[Adam Carolla]

Now listen. No, I'm. No, I heard you say you threw some extra insulin in. Some extra insulin.

[Joe Koy]

Insulin. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

He's not from Compton.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's he from?

[Bald Brian]

He's from another area.

[Adam Carolla]

What is his nationality?

[Bald Brian]

Not sure, but I think he's from Asia or the Pan Pacific River. He's not from right here.

[Joe Koy]

Mama, I can hear you. You're right next to me.

[Bald Brian]

I'm just explaining to my son he's.

[Adam Carolla]

From a different place and they. They don't have the same culture.

[Bald Brian]

And I don't think English was your first language.

[Joe Koy]

Now, I am from Glendale.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, then you all up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Bald Brian]

Why can't you say England if you're from Glendale? Mr. Wong. Oh, sorry, I didn't hear the curtain.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you guys decompress while I give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. All right, this has been a wonderful reenactment, you guys.

[Bald Brian]

Is this your podcast? Wow, you have microphones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we do.

[Bald Brian]

Brian's bald. He has no hair on his head.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. You guys.

[Bald Brian]

Is this a microphone? Yeah, that's on Worst Hill Hauser in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I miss Yule.

[Bald Brian]

We set the bar high with our neighborhood reenactment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was Neighborhood Playhouse. I should. I should tell you, we should call.

[Joe Koy]

That segment that Neighborhood Playhouse Playhouse.

[Bald Brian]

And Joe Coy and I gotta come on more often.

[Adam Carolla]

Jay Moore, by the way.

[Bald Brian]

The triumvirate of David Alan Greer. Jay Moore. Joe Coy. I'm going in reverse order of billing.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jay Moore, I should explain, is doing stand up all over the damn place. And it's going to be at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. Love the Borgata. Foxwoods. We're just talking about Foxwoods Resort Casino in Massachusetts. Also south. Oh, sorry.

[Bald Brian]

It's a good place to bring a.

[Adam Carolla]

Body deep in the woods. It's too much. Sorry. It's Mashantucket. Connecticut. Yeah, but you said Massachusetts. Yeah, I know, because I just saw the ma and I just kind of.

[Giovanni]

His brain has an autocorrect.

[Bald Brian]

That's nice.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, given the old gal mash about.

[Bald Brian]

Google and her friend's giant penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Mash and Tuckett was not on the chick.

[Bald Brian]

Say Foxwood's dummy.

[Adam Carolla]

They know where it is. That's why I would have probably not put Mash and Tuck it on there. But either way, South Orange Performing Arts center in New J. Oh, New Jersey.

[Bald Brian]

Let me help you with this. Everything's going swimmingly except for that bane of my existence. The comedy works in Denver. Just push that.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's move it along. How many works in Denver? Yeah, south, of course.

[Bald Brian]

The big one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Played there a few times. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It's not a contest, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Sorry. I'm just saying. That's where Mike August stole the toilet paper.

[Bald Brian]

That's where Mike August eats like a pelican.

[Joe Koy]

That's high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's what he does. The Stone Pelican.

[Bald Brian]

All right, Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got. I know I've said it once, but I will say it again. When we were doing our live shows and Fitzsimmons was doing the live show, literally earlier that day, he said, had a long day, went to Tijuana and volunteered me and my wife at an orphanage in Tijuana all day that day on Saturday, then took a bus back. And to hold those little kids and bond with them was an amazing, amazing experience. Everyone sat there drinking in this moment. And then Mike August, who didn't say a word before or after this, just chimed in and said, what'd they feed you?

[Joe Koy]

He did not.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to God. Is there another human being when someone is telling a visit an orphanage story?

[Bald Brian]

Fitzsimmons went to the orphanage.

[Adam Carolla]

Fitzsimmons and his wife.

[Bald Brian]

He's a good egg.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a good egg. Who else wants to know what they fed you at the orphanage? And that's your only question? Are the tacos better in Tijuana? About this volunteering business, Gary, stop me if I'm wrong.

[Giovanni]

Thousand percent true.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no other question that my caucus had other than what they feed you and that. That was it.

[Bald Brian]

What was Greg's answer?

[Harley Mornstein]

I guess.

[Joe Koy]

Pizza.

[Bald Brian]

Pizza.

[Joe Koy]

Pizza.

[Bald Brian]

Pizza. Mexican pizza.

[Giovanni]

El pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was the only.

[Bald Brian]

That was the Edward James almost platter.

[Adam Carolla]

More stories, by the way, is the podcast. And you can. Wait a minute. Is he dead?

[Bald Brian]

It was great. Brian. Grateful.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. J. Moore.com is where you go. JoeCoi.com is where you go. Houston Improv. Irvine Improv. Improv.

[Bald Brian]

Love Houston Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up. Oh, you guys.

[Joe Koy]

Can you spell my name?

[Adam Carolla]

J, O, K, O, Y. Oh, that's so stupid. I was. I missed the goddamn Houston Improv and got Stuck at the Houston Rainforest for the worst fucking.

[Joe Koy]

That's the old Houston Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes, it was.

[Joe Koy]

And you walked in like it was an abandoned rainforest cafe.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like a Michael Jackson set of a Michael Jackson video from 1989.

[Joe Koy]

Giraffe behind a booth.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, whenever you see a really fucked up themed restaurant or just a fucked up anything, you always look around and you go, what. What happened here? Because clearly there's a lot of money sunk into this place, which then became a comedy club. But it started off as an exotic rainforest kind of cafe. Every story always starts with super rich hedge fund guy, crazy wife. She wanted to open a restaurant. So that's where you get the. Oh, that's where you get the crazy fucked up. Like the stairs were cast in bronze and look like. Look like tree limbs and things like that.

[Joe Koy]

Look like the set of Coming to America.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. The most bizarre.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, Very happy to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

The most bizarre place in the world to do stand up. You've never.

[Bald Brian]

How's everybody doing tonight in the crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

In a huge parking lot with what I believe is the world's biggest bar next door. So the world's strongest people.

[Bald Brian]

The new Houston Improv. Oddly, they're both. They were great rooms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And they still. Well, the one still is, obviously. But they put it in the exact same sized, bizarre entertainment structure from the freeway. It just looks like a giant cement rectangle.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

And then once you're in the giant rectangle, it's like. It's beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The. I hated Houston. That was. That was one of our. Didn't make the guarantee weekends where they went. Should we meet in the middle when. You know that. That horrible sinking feeling when the manager comes around the back and like a lot of comps a little bit light, you know, Thursday shows, they're having this thing.

[Bald Brian]

Jo Koy has no idea what you and I are talking about, Mr. Fucking Sell out every goddamn ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Bald Brian]

I think network man over here.

[Adam Carolla]

I think this place was. I think people were scared to go to this place because the world's biggest bar next door. And all problems in the. In the liquor store. I mean, out in the parking lot. The world's biggest bar.

[Bald Brian]

No, Joe's like, I let a blonde on me twice a week. I sell out every date in the country.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, Houston, we added two shows, so.

[Bald Brian]

I've never added a show in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn.

[Bald Brian]

Swear to God, I do the exact limit. Take the shape of the container, and I'm out. If I could, I would. All right, you are you know, people joke. You sell a lot more tickets than most people. It's no, you know, that's very beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

People love joke.

[Joe Koy]

I want to kiss Jay.

[Adam Carolla]

And what's not to love?

[Bald Brian]

We have to film it and put it up.

[Giovanni]

Cameras everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

We were thinking of whatever showbiz. We were thinking, get it ready, honey. Well, maybe we've done enough. Let me. Jesus Christ. What time is it?

[Bald Brian]

Time to get in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Harley's out there. What should we do? Let's take a break. What? All right, you know what? Score big. That's right. Spring is here. Playoffs starting. Hockey, basketball, baseball, just around the corner. Lock in the savings on tickets [e-mail] guarantee to save you on every ticket every day because every ticket is below full price. NBA, NHL tickets, get them months in advance. Baseball, lock it in months in advance. The kids show, Disney on Ice, Harlem Globetrotters, it does not matter. Get these tickets. Lock in the price. At scorebig.com I have an exclusive for my listeners. Go to scorebig.com, click on the radio button, enter Adam. They'll guarantee you save at least 30 bucks on your first purchase. Again, click on the radio button, enter Adam. If you're going to get tickets, go to scorebig.com save 30 bucks on your first purchase. Even more. All right, should we take a little break? We'll take a little break and then can we do news? We got news. We got Harley Mornstein coming in. He is from Epic Meal Time. And we'll take a quick break right over this. Harley Mornstein is here. Harley, you know, from Epic Meal Time just. Well, we've had on the show before. He's got a cookbook. Epic Meal Time comes out today on Amazon. You can get it and click through AdamCoroll.com and bookmark it and help put a little win in the sails of the pirate ship. Good to see you again, Harley.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yes, thank you for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

So this whole thing, and we spoke about it last time. So you're Canadian, right?

[Harley Mornstein]

Canadian. 600 million subscribers on YouTube. We wrap things in bacon and make lasagnas out of cheeseburgers and we get drunk and it's just. It's a good life.

[Adam Carolla]

It's smart.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, if you think about it, why not make some. You know, if everyone eats, everyone loves food. Everyone. I mean, why wouldn't you be in that business? Why wouldn't you? If you're going to pick a subject, don't pick saddle making. No, eliminate.

[Harley Mornstein]

I agree. I always.

[Adam Carolla]

I say 40 to 60% of society don't.

[Harley Mornstein]

Don't do something that you think would be popular, like saddle making. You know, do something you love doing, because you might get stuck doing it every time, every day. Imagine you didn't like talking like that. How bad would your life.

[Giovanni]

Poor Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, but you're gonna. You're gonna find out, Bald Brian, when your book comes out, you're gonna be like, shit, why didn't I invent a cracker? Mark my words.

[Giovanni]

I will say those words to myself.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because someone will buy your one book, and then they'll pass it around to eight relatives, and then someone, by the way, beaming with pride, will go, I got your book. My friend sent it to me from Wisconsin. And you go, that's how you get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Harley can discover the same thing with his cookbook. Unless people eat it.

[Harley Mornstein]

No, it's not that smart of a book. It's just a reading book. Not an eating book.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe onto something edible. A book, a cookbook that you could eat.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, an eating book instead of a.

[Allison Rosen]

Reading with a recipe for another book inside.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, read it, Read it, then eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Harley Mornstein]

I get 1% after a billion dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

If you.

[Harley Mornstein]

There's a fist is hanging here.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't touch yours. I'm sorry, what is.

[Adam Carolla]

Harley, what is probably the dish that you're best known for? What would be the one that, if it was not in this cookbook, there'd be bad luck?

[Harley Mornstein]

One time we put a quail inside a Cornish hen, inside a chicken, inside a turkey, inside a duck, and then we wrapped that in bacon, and then we put that in a pig, and then we wrapped the pig in bacon and then garnished it with baconators and then attached 10 of them ass to mouth. So it was like 50 birds and 10 pigs all attached, ass to mouth, garnished with baconators. That was. That was cool. I mean, hey, get the cookbook. We show you how to make one component of that. So, you know, set you back $800 if you wanted to make this how we made it. But, you know, maybe it's a special occasion or 8,000 if you want to make 10 of them.

[Allison Rosen]

What's a baconator?

[Harley Mornstein]

A baconator is. It's a sandwich, a fast food sandwich with bacon on it and burgers.

[Allison Rosen]

Gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're looking at a picture of it now. Oh, yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's technology. That's fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Isn't that disgusting?

[Adam Carolla]

Our guys are good.

[Harley Mornstein]

We had like 30 people. We ate the first pig, and then the rest we didn't Even touch. We had a soup kitchen come and they like ruthlessly scooped everything into garbage bags, like swung it over their back and left with like five garbage bags of pig and bird. Probably made a killer stew or something along those lines.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also an awesome morning team out of Toronto. Pig and bird.

[Allison Rosen]

Pig and bird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the calls are great. Hey, so you guys, you're not throwing away anything? I mean, you'll give it to the homeless shelter, right?

[Harley Mornstein]

Well, when it's like that, that was like about $5,000 worth of food, so a good chunk of it went there. One time we made a Christmas tree out of 3,000 strips of bacon and we ate like, I don't know, 200 strips of bacon. And then another time a soup kitchen came and got it. But a lot of times we'll cut it up and whatever parts we didn't drool and slobber over, we'll just end up in the fridge at my buddy's place. And he'll have like three epic meals in his fridge at any given time. He doesn't like breakfast food, so he'll like slice a little bit off an epic meal. He's so fat now. He's getting so fat. Like what you were saying before about doing something you like. Like we did this and I kind of. I got fat doing it or fatter. And there was a point where now I'm 6, 6, 2, 70, but there was a point where I was 6 6, like 285 and. And I was like, do I push to 300? Like I was asking people like, I could. How many people get to be a 300 pound man or human being? You know, I'll be a little percentage, you know, And I wanted to.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe there's certain cultures that don't have one person that ever saw £300.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, exactly. And I was like, should I be that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, I feel like if you're just hitting up against the rev limiter of £300, you want to realize that so that you can say I was £300 when you felt like 218. And then everyone go, really? Because that's what you want.

[Harley Mornstein]

I did. I wanted to touch it and like kind of head back. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Did you do it? No. Everyone was like, it's dangerous. And it was just. Just vibe killers killing. My vibe of. I was just like, I'm gonna get so fat. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, you're really, what'd you say you're six' six, six, six, two, seventy. Does is There any. Do you ever get pissed off when a really muscular, well built guy, like just a great genetic hand tells you he wants to get down to a weight which is much over your weight. Although you realize his weight is all muscle.

[Giovanni]

It's very different.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just a car. Like, he goes, I'd like to get down to 230.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's already pretty ripped at like 245.

[Harley Mornstein]

Exactly. And they're like, oh, I'm going through my, my, my, my, my ripping phase.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Shred cutting phase.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

And it's like, it's like you look great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But going for definition. Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

And there's already enough definition. Like you see their shoulders and stuff, right? Like you see their shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I like the guys have the sets at the traps, the extra shoulders on top of the shoulders.

[Harley Mornstein]

When the shoulders have like lines on them. Like lots of lines.

[Adam Carolla]

I have seen black dudes that have a tricep muscle that looks like we're not even the same species. Like, it's sticking out. Like, where the hell did that muscle come from? Why is there a fucking huge ball sticking out where your tricep is? You know, my. Mine's basically smooth and if I did a whole bunch of preacher curls, I could get it to stick out a little bit further. But it would never.

[Harley Mornstein]

But only if you like caulk your arm and elbow.

[Adam Carolla]

It would never look like Florida from outer space. You know what I mean? What the fuck is that huge thing? Why do you have a different set of muscles?

[Harley Mornstein]

The biggest, most muscular guys in my gym are all black. Yeah, they're all black. They're like crazy ripped, crazy huge.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me say this for those who are like, oh, what about the. That's not a bad stereotype. I wish I had the huge tricep stereotype I'm talking about. Yeah. The muscles that don't seem to be yours, but bigger, but a whole different set of muscles in a different shape.

[Harley Mornstein]

When muscles have muscles. Yeah, like that. Yeah. I've seen like pecs with like little pecs on top and like under. Pecs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

On the peck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You see, like had a family.

[Harley Mornstein]

You see like actually like right on my belly buttons getting sweaty from sitting here, like just being fat on the chair, like getting sweat under my belly button, like under my tits and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Shannon Sharp. Sterling Sharp. The other guy.

[Giovanni]

Davis.

[Adam Carolla]

Vernon Davis. Yeah. The other guys that piss me off too are the guys. You see them, they're on the pregame show and they're talking about, you know, what the Colts need to do to win this game. And you can see that their suit cannot contain their guns. So good. Yeah, they're fucking guns. Like, they should feel like they should.

[Harley Mornstein]

Take the shoulder pads out because why are their shoulder pads. It's like. It looks weird. It's like a little shoulder pad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

And then a big shoulder sticking out.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when the guy holds his two hands in front of and goes. The key to the fundamental. And you see he's not even flexing. It's just his bicep and tricep are filling up. A suit jacket.

[Giovanni]

That's Ray Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The suit jacket is tight around the pipes.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it goes against the point in the ethos of clothing, which is to cover up your flabby body.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I don't know why these guys, they don't have to wear clothes.

[Harley Mornstein]

They don't have to wear clothes. Those guys, they don't need to wear shirts.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Harley, you're out pimping the book.

[Allison Rosen]

He also has a TV show, right?

[Harley Mornstein]

That's right. I have a TV show. Sixteen episodes got sold to A&E, FYI. And now we got to make a show a TV one, not an Internet one. So there's like all these rules. Words like producibility. I say things like, oh, let's just go in the supermarket with the cameras rolling and say, oh, no, no, you got to clear it. Clear what? Just do it until they tell us to leave. That doesn't work in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is it going to be epic meal time on the network now?

[Harley Mornstein]

I don't know if it's going to be epic meal time. Epic meal show. Super meal time. Make a meal time. I don't know. I really don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I got to see Vernon Davis's tricep. No, I'm looking for Shannon Sharp. Sterling Sharp.

[Allison Rosen]

Like your web series.

[Harley Mornstein]

It's like the web series a bit more exposition. It's, like, lightly scripted. Everyone says lightly scripted. No one ever wants to, like, reality. That was, like, lightly scripted. But reality. Reality, I think. I mean, yeah, except it's not like my real life. It's not like if, you know, back home, my mom and dad are fighting, you wouldn't know that on the show. It's not like that real. It's just like I kind of like, bring, like a real. Like a robot made of meat and, like, bring it to someone, and I really do that. And they're real and they respond realistically.

[Adam Carolla]

And when does this when does it air? Oh my God.

[Harley Mornstein]

It's gonna air on the. Oh, it's a good arm. This is an arm that someone could have.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Shannon Sharp. Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Oh my God. He's not even look like he's really flexing. He's not even really flexing.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't even know where to start. But there's no way we possess the same muscles. He's gotta have extra muscles in there.

[Harley Mornstein]

No, you'll never. Your arm, no matter what. If you started now until the day, you'll never be like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Slow down.

[Harley Mornstein]

Only drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I need you. Only motivational force in my life. If you started now and stopped doing your last curl two days after you die, you would never.

[Harley Mornstein]

I thought, honestly, I thought about. There should be demotivational speakers to set the bar for people. Like if I went from school to school being like, listen, it's a good chance. You're not gonna be shit. You ain't ever gonna be shit. People around you probably aren't gonna be shit either. Someone might be here. Someone. Who is it? Maybe not. You accept that you won't be disappointed when things don't pan out.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Yeah. And I could see taking that into the old homes. You know, I'm coming, I'm coming to elementary school.

[Harley Mornstein]

Get them like, you know, start there.

[Adam Carolla]

But you work your way into the, you know, Shady Acres. I'll be back next Friday. Many of you will not be here for that. You're done, right?

[Harley Mornstein]

You're all done. Now at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Now let's all look up at the dry erase board. Okay? Now under the heading, there is no heaven. Yeah. All right. We're just looking at muscular black men at this point.

[Giovanni]

That was a suggestion from Jay Moore. That's Patrick Willis from the 49ers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Patrick is doing okay for himself.

[Harley Mornstein]

He's got a big muscular gut. Big gut.

[Adam Carolla]

I still want to see. I still want to see Sherman. No, Sterling Sharp. Sterling Sharp, because I would argue he was a whiteout.

[Giovanni]

So he might not have the definition.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about Sterling Sharpe is that Allison told me that he was a wideout that went230. That's a good point. And this is 20 years ago. I mean, you want to talk about. You want to talk about genetics for the. He's not flexing and oiled up. You want to talk about genetics in just the mom and the dad family department? Yes, The Sharp department. The Sharp department. Genetics. Damn believable.

[Allison Rosen]

You're from Canada. Do you know all these names? They're mentioning.

[Harley Mornstein]

So. So, you know, like you have Canadian.

[Adam Carolla]

Football here and there.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, we do, we do. Doug Flutie, he dabbled in the NFL a little bit there for a second country tuned in.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of guys had. They used the Canadian Football League. Like the girlfriend the guy has just before he gets famous. Yeah, they don't hear about him anymore, but he's still good enough. I mean, you still got to be, you know, you got to be a ladies man to get that chick. She's a hot model and everything. But then when your show takes off in series, you move, you move on to the trophy. Trophy show. And that's kind of what they do. They'd go there, I think Steve Young.

[Giovanni]

No, but Warren Moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh no, Steve Young went to the usfl. Warren Moon had a lot of reps there. If you're too short or too black to play quarterback in the NFL will send you to Canada where they don't judge. Now they'll take short and. Or black and. Or short and black. Yeah, I mean the guy just won.

[Harley Mornstein]

The quarterback in my hometown of Montreal is like also a lawyer, which is like, you'd assume that, you know, well, you're on a football team. So full time job. No lawyer is also very full time job. So to do both, you'd think he'd be a. Maybe not a good lawyer or not a good quarterback, but no, he does, he does both of them exceptionally well. And that's just because, I guess the standard of athletics in Canada allow you to be a lawyer at the same time if you want it.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he tackle crime like on the billboard, like that kind of stuff? You know, because he's gotta have a billboard that says score a touchdown with and then his name after whatever. Right. You can't avoid that. Right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Not many lawyers advertising in Canada, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, probably a good thing. You ever get that? That is a very good thing.

[Giovanni]

No Bill Bohr saying accidentes?

[Joe Koy]

No, no.

[Harley Mornstein]

I thought that was like a Will Ferrell movie when I saw that accidentally.

[Giovanni]

Why is he wearing that mustache?

[Adam Carolla]

You call a number that just has 11 sevens on it and you're like, where's this number? How do you get this number? And I would argue that somewhere between the 12th and 14th seven, it's gonna be more confusing because you think, well, it'd be super easy to memorize. But it's like, no. How many sevens do I dial?

[Harley Mornstein]

When I dial those numbers, I'll put my finger over the seven and I'll be like, 1, 1, 2, 3. That's the only Way to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we were. I was saying on stage a few weeks back, when you travel through Detroit, lots of billboards of the attorneys pointing at you as you're going by in the car, going, I'll work for you. I'll, you know, slip at the, you know, slip and fall. Fired.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll fight for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll fight for you as, you know, unemployment insurance money or whatever. Like, get your money back. Let's get your money back. Or. Or let's just get some money for you. Who does not feel like working.

[Harley Mornstein]

Let's take money.

[Adam Carolla]

Super sad, but as I always say, you go through South Central and you have the billboard for the dentist that says, any tooth, $29 cash. And it's like, that's. Yeah, I think that's more depressing.

[Harley Mornstein]

Any tooth?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll replace your tooth for $29 a piece.

[Harley Mornstein]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

More depressing. But I don't.

[Harley Mornstein]

Honestly, I'm kind of like, I don't believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we.

[Harley Mornstein]

$29 for the tooth.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure it's a lot of stall.

[Harley Mornstein]

Oh, you want the tooth in your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, I'm saying there's always up charges. Yeah, I'm saying show me the society. I mean, you could probably go city by city here in the United States, but then you could also go country by country. Who has the least billboards for attorneys? That's where you want to live. Like, you know, there's a lot of, you know, you can go.

[Harley Mornstein]

I think it's illegal in some places.

[Adam Carolla]

There's where I want to move. Yeah. Well, what I'm saying is it's like you can go online and see how many pedophiles are around you and what neighborhood you're moving into and how many. Well, registered sex offenders land on the. Whatever.

[Harley Mornstein]

Mostly pedophiles, I assume. Assume.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never any. It's never fun when you find out what this guy do. Well, it was.

[Harley Mornstein]

He peed in a public park at.

[Adam Carolla]

3Pm he was drunk. And it's all the shit you've done.

[Allison Rosen]

It's statutory stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Again, the guy was 19, she was 17. But they're both going to the same juco. And it's like, that's not exciting stuff. But either way, I would like the same. I'd like some sort of governmental website that said how many billboards for lawyers were in my area and just moved to the least populated part?

[Allison Rosen]

I bet many lawyers don't live in places where there are a lot of billboards for lawyers.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll Bet the dentist who do the teeth, 29 bucks a pop just go in to see themselves up on the billboard.

[Harley Mornstein]

I agree with that. I would do that. I would do. I would make a tooth deal just to get the billboard and justified all. But can you buy a deluxe tooth for, like, 65?

[Adam Carolla]

You want to, like, a deluxe tooth?

[Harley Mornstein]

Like, a better tooth than what you know is made for my mouth? Maybe something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Harder.

[Adam Carolla]

Call it a California King.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Spot of two teeth, super molar. That's right.

[Harley Mornstein]

I like that. I would get a $65 deluxe tooth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You end up looking like Flavor Flav. It comes be dazzled and bejeweled before.

[Harley Mornstein]

That'd be okay. I'd be okay. I put some gold in my mouth, some jewelry.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you really?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. I already have gold teeth. Oh, yeah, they're at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. You could pop them in and out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. I had a flight get delayed. It has to do a crash landing in Ireland once. And every day that you're not able to continue your workday or, like, the plane's grounded, you get €300. So I got €600, and I was like, you know what? I always wanted gold teeth. Now I live in Los Angeles. I know where I could get gold teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harley Mornstein]

And what am I gonna do with these €600, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Harley Mornstein]

I spent, like, 300 bucks, got some gold teeth, wore them twice. It was a horrible purchase, but, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, or were they like little grill?

[Harley Mornstein]

It's like. It's like a little, like, mouth guard, and you pop it onto your teeth and, like, it sticks there and just pinches your teeth and sticks.

[Adam Carolla]

And it lets people know you've arrived.

[Harley Mornstein]

It does? Yeah. It lets motherfuckers know that I don't play around.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we do a little news?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How about it, Alison? News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Bald Brian]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Joe Koy]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Adam Carolla]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Joe Koy]

It cut you tallison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So Malaysia's prime minister announced from Kuala Lumpur today that there's no longer any doubt that Flight 370 went down in the southern Indian Ocean. It's been 17 days. Relatives shrieked and sobbed, and people had to be taken out on stretchers. Someone, one woman, collapsed, fell on her knees, crying, my son. My son.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know it's horrific, but don't you feel like. Like, you know, somewhere around the second week, the plane doesn't land that it's probably in harm's way.

[Allison Rosen]

That was my first thought. How could they not know? But I suppose if you're in this situation, you would try your hardest to keep your hope alive.

[Giovanni]

I would for a couple days.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd give it a couple days. Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What do you hope for? What are they hoping for in day 17?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What do they prefer?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wonderful hijacking stories.

[Harley Mornstein]

When dad's two hours late, I'm like, he's dead, mom. Yeah, he's. Or he left. He's not coming back. And that's two hours later.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

So anyway, I think that you won't be having to email your publicist, Adam, to tell her she was right with.

[Adam Carolla]

Her theory that the plane had landed and they were keeping all held hostage. Yeah. Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

You thought that too.

[Adam Carolla]

No, my publicist did.

[Harley Mornstein]

Oh. I thought Cony might be involved.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Cony. Yeah. Yeah. The shock absorber manufacturer or Cony, the dictator.

[Harley Mornstein]

The guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I always get him confused.

[Allison Rosen]

We heard so much about him. Now you don't ever hear about it.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's why I'm like this. He's back in a big way, and the children have the plane or something. I wouldn't know. I was thinking crazy stuff. I was wrong. I knew I was wrong, but I still was letting my imagination get the best of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, anyway. Sad.

[Harley Mornstein]

Definitely.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They were all called to a hotel to receive the news. Well, it's one of those things where it's sort of like how when people want to meet in person to break up, feel like just obviously you don't want to text this news, but you have to travel to hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why I'm. I would be the world's worst everything. Like, you know, if there was some sort of horrible thing and you know that thing where the person goes, I'm gonna be at the courthouse every day for six months. If the trial goes on for a year, I will be sitting in that. And I'd be like. Like, no, I'm going to work. Keep me posted.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

On a need to know basis, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Would have a conversation which would go something like this. Call me if they find something, but don't call me to tell me they didn't find anything or they're not around.

[Harley Mornstein]

Even more so, like, if they called and said, yeah, come to the courthouse. We have to tell you about the plane, it's kind of like, well, is my son alive?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, before I get out of.

[Harley Mornstein]

The car and drive, just Tell me right now, am I coming for good news? Like, we'll tell you when you get. You get in there, camera's rolling, and it's like, no, it's not coming back. And it's like, okay. It's like such a setup. It's like they almost set it up, this thing too.

[Adam Carolla]

You never really think about it, but there's a lot of like, look, we should talk about this in person. You're first off defeating the purpose of the phone. I mean, Alexander Graham Bell's got to be pissed if he knew all it was going to be used is to set up face to face meetings. There could be no business or information conducted over this device. I want it over the phone. Like, I don't want to come in and find out. Whatever. I don't know why we always talk about that, you know, face to face. You come in and tell me you want a divorce or you want a whatever or you're fired or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

It is like a man.

[Adam Carolla]

There's that man fucking fire me over. And all that shit existed before the phone. You know, it's like you come in like a man, and you come in and look me eye to eye. Yeah. That's when you rode your horse into.

[Allison Rosen]

Town, receive a telegram, you get a.

[Adam Carolla]

Terrier pigeon or smoke signal would tell you to come into town. You wouldn't know what it was about.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's the thing. I think that good news is disseminated over the phone, right? But bad news isn't. Like if a doctor, if you have a blood test or something and a doctor has bad news, they will call you in, right? If the test is fine, I think they'll tell you that over the phone. Ryan, did you.

[Harley Mornstein]

They just don't call you all your.

[Allison Rosen]

Bad news was in person, right?

[Giovanni]

I don't know why you're asking me. Yes, my doctor called initially. I was getting tested for ms, and he's like, you don't have ms, but I need to see in my office, office again.

[Adam Carolla]

I would just go, what do I have? And then the follow up is always this. The reason we can't tell you over the phone is because then there's a whole second conversation we need to have about treatment and options. Once again, this thing that stuck to my ear where I can hear those sounds coming out of your mouth, we can easily use that to discuss my treatment.

[Harley Mornstein]

Even better, an email. Like, open it when you want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

With an emoticon indicating your level of compassion.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if you Heard about this, but the front man of GWAR was found dead. Dave Brocki. He went under the stage name Odorous Arungus. I sound like someone who's not familiar with gwar. I am.

[Harley Mornstein]

You are familiar with gar.

[Allison Rosen]

I am familiar with gwar. I feel like I was on Red Eye at the same time as them.

[Adam Carolla]

GWAR was always super funny on Red Eye.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, they were. But anyway, I'm forgetting if it's Arungas or Eurongas. No, it's Eurongas. Anyway, he was 50. He was found dead in his Richmond, Virginia home. More details have not come out, but his band manager, Jack Flanagan, said, it is with a saddened heart that I confirm my dear friend Dave Brocki, artist, musician, and lead singer of GWAR, passed away.

[Adam Carolla]

I would make a horrible, horrible member of GWAR and or kiss, because during the band's inception, we're like, how about we get 50 pounds of foam rubber, we glue it to our face every night we give kabuki makeup. I'd be like, how about I be Sweatpants man? Now hold on. I come out there wearing just a Hanes T shirt, sweatpants, flip flop. But what I'm doing is I'm. Did you see the Munsters? I'm like, Marilyn, I'll be the one who's just playing the drum kit without all the shit stuck in the there. Because I would never. If you started telling me, like, whenever Guar formed or whenever KISS formed, like every night, we need to get all this grease paint and do your whole. And by the way, you know, Ace Freely has shit behind his ears right now. From the early 70s, that was still there. They got grease paints when they were.

[Harley Mornstein]

Like 20 something and they came, they're like, oh, dude, great idea. We're gonna stand out. And then 10 years later, at least definitely now it's like, oh, all the furniture.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did we ever do this in the tour bus? Is all fucked up. Because it's got your grease paint all over it. And Gene Simmons with the bloods all over the fucking place. The green room's a mess. I just. Painting that.

[Giovanni]

And you're lobbying for. It'll freak him out even more if there's one guy there who doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

One guy.

[Giovanni]

One guy's just in a suit. How about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They don't need one more guy with the foam rubber skull on his head and the dragon. One regular dude, by the way, it.

[Allison Rosen]

Makes you guys a pop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you guys go pop. You guys gotta pop.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. But then that's a lot of like dissension amongst the group. Cause it's like, whoa, wait, I want to be sweatpants guy. Well, how about we all wear sweatpants and you wear them?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me take you a step further. Sweatpants and baseball Campman. I'll put a baseball cap on and sweatpants and either Nikes or cats.

[Harley Mornstein]

A sweater kind of off stage, depending.

[Adam Carolla]

On seasonal throw off seasonal sweater. Yeah, I love it. Depending what the season is.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like a parody of the average Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

I would be the worst member. I would never stop fucking playing. And then at some point, point, when all our shit got lost, when the airport lost all our shit, we're playing a big show in Portland and all of us had nothing but fucking jeans and T shirts. I'd be like, right, this is what. This is what I was. This is what I was talking about this at. Why every band meeting. Oh, quite. You don't know it. This is what I. Now what are we doing? We wrap ourselves in fucking foil and go out there. What are we going to do?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think they like not. Not being recognized when they're out of costume? Because I would think someone that wants to be in costume also would want to be recognized.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But the idea that you're just wearing. You go out with 10 pounds of foam rubber on, but you walk off stage with £86 because it's filled with your sweat. A foam rubber. I just feel like Kiss. Or that. I just feel like, let's just be Pearl Jam. Everyone just gets a good worked in hoodie and just puts on some fucking jeans and just rocks it. Matter of fact, if we get caught being dressed up, we'll get in trouble.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not keeping it real anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Eddie Vedder can't be seen in something with buttons on it unless it's tattered and flannel. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Harley Mornstein]

Well, he likes to take it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Take it off there.

[Harley Mornstein]

To take it off and have like a little T shirt under it.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are those dudes who go out on stage and they're like, whoo. Starting to heat up around selling them. Right. I better. You didn't see that one coming.

[Harley Mornstein]

No. You know, that's the move 70 states in your tourist. Like, I did go to a Pearl Jam concert for the first time recently, and that was a movie move. And I'd gone to Deadmau5 concerts. And, like, what he'll do is he has his helmet on, the big dead mouse. He does like, like, EDM music and he'll like, play it, you know, Dead Mouse.

[Giovanni]

With the mouse.

[Harley Mornstein]

Huge mouse helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

And like, electronic music. And then, like, after, like, five Dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Mouse, he like, well, it's Mighty Mouse, dj.

[Harley Mornstein]

A dj. And, like, he, like, huge, lit up mouse head and.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you rolling at this time or are you sure?

[Harley Mornstein]

You would be. You would be. But, like, what? Yeah, that's. That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Harley Mornstein]

And, like, halfway through, he, like, takes the helmet off and everyone goes crazy. Like, oh, my God, the helmet's coming off. And then he does, like, three songs with it off. And then he grabs the helmet on another song and puts on. They're like, the helmet's going back on. It's like a thing that, like, people like, you know, Eddie Venner, like, he was, like, swigging from a bottle. People, like, he's swigging the bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

All you had to do is take one hit off a beer and everyone goes nuts.

[Harley Mornstein]

They do.

[Adam Carolla]

Must be nice.

[Harley Mornstein]

And then, like, you say something like, am I right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Am I right? Well, can I say this? If you're Eddie Vedder and you've done thousands of live shows, you must know that somewhere between Jeremy Spoke and Daughter or whatever, even Flo, you have to know you're gonna work up a little frog. The shirt's coming off. Why walk out?

[Harley Mornstein]

Apparently they change set all the time. They always switch it up.

[Allison Rosen]

So now it's between Even Flow and Jeremy Spoke.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta take the shirt off.

[Harley Mornstein]

I saw him kick someone off. Like, I was there and, like, in the front row, he just stopped and he's like, stop the music. Point. And then he was, like, pointing at this girl. He's like, you. Yeah, you. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's another cool part. You had a chance.

[Harley Mornstein]

You had a chance to be nice to the people around you, and you fucking blew it. Get out.

[Adam Carolla]

Security.

[Harley Mornstein]

Get her out of here.

[Allison Rosen]

What did she do?

[Harley Mornstein]

I don't know, but apparently someone. I asked my brother, who's a huge Pearl Jam fan, apparently someone had died at a Pearl Jam concert, so he's super serious about shoving and pushing and stuff. So he. He just booted that girl out of there. It was pretty intense.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. If I was Eddie Vedder, I would plant somebody in the audience to throw out every night because they weren't being courteous.

[Harley Mornstein]

You don't even need to be Eddie Vedder to do that. You could just. You just make sure you do it next time. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, hey, so, okay, I saw you fart. I saw your ass move. Get up, sir. Get up. There's People around you, they did not pay good money to smell your asshole to pick it up.

[Giovanni]

Not in here.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking daiquiri. And hit the pranks. Not tonight, not on my watch. Not ever. I had somebody die when they farted in the show.

[Giovanni]

Someone was smoking behind them.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It makes. You made him look like a hero, though, right?

[Harley Mornstein]

I was just like, that's intense. I was like, he is a serious guy. But I was so curious. I'm like, what did she do? I wanted to, like, leave and see her and be like, what did you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Harley Mornstein]

What set him off so much? He was like, I was so curious about her.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a chick too, right? Just being rude.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Harley Mornstein]

Handled.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be rude for you guys not to use the books dot com. Ah, buying flowers online. Oh, it's 1999. It's like those tooth deals. It's exactly the same. It's $19.99. And you walk out of there and it's 74.50. That's right. And you don't get what you ordered. No, the books is where you go. The books dot com. A whole new way to send flowers. That is the T H E and then bouchs, B O U q s. The bouchs.com. they make it easy. Send flowers straight from sustainable farms located on an active volcano in South America. Seriously, Flowers, Volcano flowers. They got a flat rate, 40 bucks free delivery. So your loved ones get the beautiful bouquets and you save the cash and it's easy. And you do it just because. For a limited time, offer 20% off with the promo code Adam. Go to the books dot com. That is the b o u q s dot com. Click on the shop button and hit the top of the page and promo code Adam. All right, let's do another. What do we got?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, I'm sorry I have to go here, but I do. You mentioned farting. Do you guys need to lift a cheek to let one out? I do not understand this.

[Adam Carolla]

Why aren't we doing the news?

[Allison Rosen]

This is news to me. I see people do it all the time.

[Harley Mornstein]

You want it to be fart.

[Allison Rosen]

You want lifting the cheek?

[Harley Mornstein]

You're lifting it. You're like lifting a cheek. Sure. But, like, you're like planting your butt here, lifting the other cheek. It's kind of opening you up a bit. So it's going to come out like.

[Allison Rosen]

A. Oh, is that.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like.

[Harley Mornstein]

Like high school.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know this.

[Adam Carolla]

A guy, and you're talking to a guy who's ate a partridge that was put in a pheasant that was shoved in a duck. I mean, here's a guy to be specific.

[Harley Mornstein]

Like, I don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Harley Mornstein]

But the worst thing that can happen is like, like you'll do it. It's like sitting right now. If I were to fart, a bubble would, like, My mom would be so mad if she heard this. Talking about farts. A bubble, like a fart bubble, like rises like up and like shoots out, like right at your lower. Like your lower back. Like it goes like right out there. And that's weird. So that would make sense.

[Allison Rosen]

That can happen in a pool.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. Or if you're, if you're crammed in there, it'll. It'll like find a way to escape. It'll go up your lower back.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing funnier than the bathtub fart. And there's nothing funnier than the fact that it smells when it hits the surface.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like the worst bubble bath ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just good stuff. Max Apata was doing something on the trip, which I applaud. He was shitting. We were in a hotel, but he went down to the lobby to shit. It was just one bathroom. Yeah, we all shit a bathroom.

[Bald Brian]

I thought I'd hit the lobby every time I needed to go.

[Giovanni]

Also probably cleaning.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that because you were being polite or is that because you were worried about shitting right around the boss?

[Bald Brian]

No, I do it every time I go in a hotel room with other people. Just. I think it's more just because I'm actually. I'd just be too embarrassed if somebody just walked in and got hit in the face with.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, I was gonna say it sounds like he didn't want his shit being analyzed on the podcast. And it was like a self fulfilling prophecy. As by doing that we were discussing his shit on the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Speaking of which, I walked into the studio today, walked into the restroom to use the restroom. Guess who had been in there just moments earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

The porcelain Punisher. Boom.

[Giovanni]

Wrecked.

[Adam Carolla]

Wrecked. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

His way with that bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I gotta say, I. I had to use the shitter at the track. The Porta Potty shitter at the track. You know, you get your schedule tossed off, you get up early, you have a cup of coffee, you're off your normal schedule. And let me tell you, getting into that fire suit with the long johns and everything and bolted into the. Strapped into the race car, you don't want to. You don't. You want your bowels to be completely Evacuated. And it's that Porta Potty shit where it drops and you don't hear a water anywhere. It's like on a hot rock. Just, boop. It's a weird sound, hearing your shit land on a solid, like. Like one of those pizza stones. That's what it sounds like.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm with you.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to hear a little kerplunk, right? As dangerous as it sounds, it's satisfying.

[Allison Rosen]

That's similar to the observation I had after I've been in an airplane. Not my doing. You rarely see human shit not floating in water.

[Adam Carolla]

Next story. But you don't realize that there should be an app. There should be an app. It's the Kerplunk app. When you have to shit in places where there's no water, and it just sounds like, again, you're shitting on a pizza stone. You want to hear that Kerplunk. I could have put the thing in and just hit the kerplunk sound. Just hit it right. The right sound, right time. You don't want to hit any of that blue water in the ass, but you do want to hear it. You don't want that weird splats.

[Joe Koy]

Now, who else has got some stories?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where the hell were we?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, Kanye west bought Kim Kardashian some international Burger Kings. He bought her 10 Burger Kings throughout Europe as a wedding gift because he knows the fast food industry is reliable and lucrative, and Burger King is international, so he thinks it's the perfect fit for her. I guess he wants to make her an international businesswoman. He bought her 10 across the UK, Italy, and France.

[Harley Mornstein]

Okay, first of all, I know nothing about Kanye west at all. But what I think I know about him is a glance that he owns five guys burgers himself. Burgers Fat burgers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

And he owns. I feel like. I feel like. It's almost like he's setting up a competition with her. Like, it's more.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like.

[Harley Mornstein]

I feel like he's, like, the type of guy I know nothing about. Kanye west is just what I imagine about him. He's trying to mind fuck her. He's like, no, I'm. I'm fat burger here in the US you run Burger Kings in Europe? Don't tell me how to do shit, okay? I run this fast food game. You don't run shit. How about you go to Europe and handle Burger King, and I'm gonna do the big man fat burger things over here, And I made that all up, but that's how I feel. You would be.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she gave him a tip or two about how to run his business.

[Harley Mornstein]

And then he's like, there's 10 Burger Kings.

[Joe Koy]

And you know what?

[Harley Mornstein]

Kanye West. 10 Burger Kings in Europe.

[Adam Carolla]

Europe.

[Harley Mornstein]

Not even that good of a gift. No, not even that good. Like, some. Some restaurants, maybe just one of them would be better than 10 European Burger Kings.

[Adam Carolla]

And it probably sits around and does the Whopper's. Okay. If you're in the mood for middle of the road burger, but double king cheese with the egg on it.

[Harley Mornstein]

Tell me this. If you're. If you're Kanye west and you're with Kim Kardashian and it's her birthday, how about instead of buying her 10 European Burger Kings, I don't know, make a card with markers? Would that not blow her fucking mind? When was the last time a man sat down and just like. And drew her a picture of their love? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, if I was Kanye West.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't mean his cock?

[Harley Mornstein]

If I was what?

[Adam Carolla]

You're talking about a picture of his cock?

[Harley Mornstein]

Or are you saying whatever he want. Whatever the.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not Canadian. I'm gonna say withdrew picture of his love. It sounds sort of euphemistic.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, but.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you're saying just.

[Harley Mornstein]

Just, like, put, like, do something, cuz, like, real.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not real.

[Harley Mornstein]

Buying 10 Burger Kings in Europe for. First of all, I'm insanely jealous that you didn't get that from me. But that's. That's a really weird thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, Burger Kings is weird too, because it's not like anyone ever buy me three Burger Kings, and I'd go, huh? Three?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. But I think he's. I feel like he's like, whatever she does with those Burger Kings, like, he's also making a dollar off of it. So I feel like it's really weird because it's like her birthday gift is she gets to be in business with him in Burger Kings in Europe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm starting to feel like we don't need. I'm starting to feel like we don't need P. Diddy and Khan. Kanye. Kanye. I feel like they're morphing into the same guy. Like, I don't see them. Whatever it is they did, I don't feel like they're doing it anymore. They just become insane business people. They're just taking. Just moguls. They're just taking over the world. Like, I don't know what P. Diddy. I don't feel like he's producing. I know Ciroc.

[Harley Mornstein]

You Buy Ciroc. Give puff stock a boost. That vodka.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's why I, like, in the club, like, I'll see dudes, like, with, like, hot peach vodka, and so gross. And I'm like, they're like, rock. Give puff stock a boost, Right? It's like, puff stock doesn't need a boost. You need a better drink than that hot peach vodka.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, to bring some of that Ciroc into a European Burger King really can bother boost.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what puff stock is.

[Harley Mornstein]

Puff stock in Ciroc.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it a blue sock. And Ciroc is good for about $50 million a year. He wanted to buy. I sat down with the guys from Diageo, the guys who do the whole thing.

[Harley Mornstein]

I could have been giving Corolla stock a boost every time I had hot peach vodka.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a Mangria.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah, I had, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I sat down with these guys, and they just said, you know, it was a struggling brand out of France that made. I think it made it out of grapes. Made vodka out of grapes, and it's out of potato vodka. This is, like, a struggling brand. They didn't know what to do with it, and they just got P. Diddy in there and kaboom.

[Harley Mornstein]

Anyone with a struggling brand, you could be like, Puff Daddy. Help me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Help me, please.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. And it comes in, and boom, there it is. It is a weird thing, because my instinct is always like, he's already rich. We don't need to make him richer. Find me a smaller brand, and I'll help that guy out. But everyone wants to be. Well, the winner with the winner with the winner. Yes.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. Like me. Help me out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Help army out.

[Harley Mornstein]

I have cookbook guys on Amazon. Please.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Epic mealtime Cookbook. Please help me.

[Adam Carolla]

That is right. So would you want to be with Kanye or not? Like, there's a part of me that goes, you get some Burger King, you're gonna get a Bentley.

[Allison Rosen]

Every birthday, you're gonna get a ton of material items.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, this is what he did.

[Harley Mornstein]

This is what I heard. He apparently. He. Apparently when they got together, he and, I don't know Kanye. This is just what I heard. He took her entire wardrobe and threw it out.

[Allison Rosen]

How?

[Harley Mornstein]

Elvis, like, and replaced it with things that he likes and what he expects of her now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, again, there's parts of. Of women that hate that and then parts that are, like, insanely attracted to it.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to vomit.

[Adam Carolla]

You hate it.

[Allison Rosen]

Friends who wear G strings because their husbands like that. I can't even get behind that. But that's.

[Harley Mornstein]

Their husbands are right, though, about that one.

[Giovanni]

That's true.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. I agree with that.

[Allison Rosen]

And I know they say that eventually you stop feeling it, but that's just your soul dying.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually stop.

[Harley Mornstein]

Oh, is it actually your underwear is.

[Allison Rosen]

Just going to go.

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wears just gonna go up your butt anyway. That's what they say. Why not just start with it there?

[Adam Carolla]

Women. Genetic. Genetically, women have the ability to ignore things that are going up their butt. Maybe more like giving birth. I couldn't give birth, but I'm not set up for it genetically. You know, I think you guys are. It's like, I couldn't wear high heels. I couldn't wear high heels all day. Women wear high heels all day. Guys. I never. Guys will be like, oh, loafers are too uncomfortable for most guys to wear all day. Forget about high heels. You guys have a higher threshold for pain.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's actually true, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's genuinely true.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know the whole thing up the ass. Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the greatest pain a woman can feel. Underwear up her ass.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also the most beautiful moment in a woman's life. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I want him to be in the room when I'm pulling my underwear up my ass.

[Adam Carolla]

And when that underwear goes up your ass, you don't want to be all drugged. No.

[Giovanni]

You won't know.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna be there. You're experiencing.

[Giovanni]

Listen, generations did it before you. So you'll do it right. Just fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I'll hold your hand yelling, don't push it.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the way Western society looks at the underwear up the ass.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we feel the way your brow. Yeah, we'll get.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to classes.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get a doula. Put the underwear up your ass at home.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to do it in the bath.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it in the bathtub. That's right. We'll get an ass doula. We'll get a crack doula. It'll be awesome. All right, let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zipit cunt. Odorous Yurongus. Oh, no.

[Joe Koy]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna be missed, but definitely replaced. Right? The one thing when you have a band that has guys covered in styrofoam.

[Allison Rosen]

Odorous.

[Adam Carolla]

You can replace him. Right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Like, for example, I'm pretty sure we're on the second Daft Punk. And we don't know that yet.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't know it.

[Harley Mornstein]

This is their. So, yeah. First Daft Punk when I was in high school. They're gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

These are the new ones.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And maybe that was the super mouse head too. You know that guy just kept the head on.

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually.

[Harley Mornstein]

No. Joel Zimmerman, who's a real person.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he?

[Harley Mornstein]

Yeah. Daft Punk. I have no idea what.

[Adam Carolla]

But if he keep the head on for a few years, then he could just bequeath the head to, like his younger brother or something and he could just do the set.

[Harley Mornstein]

He told me he'd gotten like, like acting jobs or he's in something and he's somewhere else performing and he'll send like an assistant to wear the helmet. So. That's genius.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the best genius.

[Harley Mornstein]

That's really tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I love that. Mm.

[Harley Mornstein]

Imagine you just didn't have to be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harley Mornstein]

For you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

If only I had more than one of those shirts. You could just send them on stage and like, wear it. Gilbert complain.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Smart. All righty. I want to thank Jay Moore for coming in here, Joe Coy for coming in here, Harley Mornstein for coming in here. And if you want to help us fight the patent trolls, go to funanything.com patent troll to contribute. We're gonna win this battle, but we're going to need your help. Alright, so Harley's new book, you know, Epic Meal Time, Everybody available on Amazon. And you know what to do. So until next time, Adam Carolla for Harley and Joe and Jay and Allison and bald. Say it. Mahalo.

[Harley Mornstein]

Read it, then eat it.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Kishow 1288 with Jay Mor and Harley Morrison for Epic Meal Time. Coming next we have Adam Colishow, 1339, Joe Coy, Mike Leach, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, also from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good day, Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam, Carolla and Bald Brian. Sure. I'd to like to film myself having sex with my boyfriend and throw it on the Internet and get famous.

[Giovanni]

Drumspatterson wanted that one from yesterday. Dug deep and happened to have it. So I use the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. We're gonna have Joe Coy on, so that's always good news. Couple other things. A little controversy swirling around. Gone in 60 seconds. Although somebody sent it to me and said, now. Gary says now. The quad and the five. He found the script. Somebody sent me. Somebody. Somebody sent me a page from the script or a transcript from it and wrote it the way I said it, but I think they were just fucking with me. The script says quad. All right, all right. Sorry if you didn't hear what it was, but we've already invested enough time in that.

[Allison Rosen]

So there's not controversy swirling around it then?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not. It just ended short lived. Controversy still still. Maximum 5,500 is still way, way off the base, but we give him a pass on the quad. Speaking of the quad, my kid has. Sonny, who's been sick, has a school play and that's tonight and that's after this podcast. And I gave the thing when I was leaving the house, which is. Well, he's, you know, it must be incredibly telling to Lynette because I'm always like, ah, he's fine. Ah, look at you. Ah, where are you going? He doesn't need to go to the emergency room. It's just a rib poking out. He'll be fine. I could reset it, a little duct tape, rub a little dirt on it, like, no problems. But then all of a sudden I've become the very concerned parent when it comes to. He's doing the school play tonight and he was sick from school today and I was like, well, obviously we can't put him through that. I mean there's no way he's going to. To do the school play.

[Allison Rosen]

It's so generous of you when you are looking forward to going. I know you're willing to sacrifice the experience of watching your son in a play just cause you're concerned about his health.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that, his misery index is through the fucking roof. Like this notion in a weird way, it's sort of like the people that dress up their poodles and you go, that fucking poodle is not want to be Cleopatra. That poodle's miserable. The owners making the poodle like dance, like being the monkey that dances for us. Taking your boy when he just has no interest in being exposed to the stage, legitimate or not, and forcing him into a play, he doesn't want to do it. Like he's into reptiles.

[Allison Rosen]

What part does he have in the play? And what is the play? We're gonna need more details.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hurly burly. So there's a lot of swearing and a lot of sexual overtones to it. Not one I would picked for 7 year olds.

[Allison Rosen]

Kids these days.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Take it you don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because all it is is, well, there's a girl and a princess and a prince and I don't think it's something that we know or maybe it is, I don't know, one of the two. His part is Boulder number three, cactus number five. I mean, he might say something. If he does say something, he'll be mailing it in. Think Brando toward the end of his career.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, at least he's not, you know, eating up the scenery. Chewing up the scenery. He's underplaying it.

[Adam Carolla]

Brando was literally eating the scenery in Apocalypse now when he ate that fly. Like, when he was literally was eating the scenery.

[Giovanni]

Are we talking about the freshman Brando, or are we talking about, like, island of Dr. Moreau? Brando, like, full on lost it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the one where he would just go, look, look here, to the person I'm acting with. Here is your cue card necklace. Like, it's literally a cue card on a piece of yarn that you're gonna wear around your neck like a. Hi. And I'll just be sitting on your chest and I'll just be reading your fucking chest. Like, I'm not. I'm done going home and memorizing shit and then fucking it up.

[Allison Rosen]

The Dag Method.

[Adam Carolla]

The Dag Method line. That's right. Yeah. So he will see if he's good enough for the play. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I watched. Well, he doesn't. I know he doesn't want to do it. That's the interesting point. And he's told me. That's right, Wallflower. No, I said, look, I said to him yesterday, you want to drive a truck? I was driving my truck yesterday. I was moving some stuff around. I said. I said, you want to drive a truck? He said, no, I don't want to drive a truck. I want to drive a sports car. I said, what's your job going to be again? He's basically going to be a snake expert. And he's decided you can make a million dollars a year being a snake expert, telling people about snakes and informing people of their habits and migrations and things like that.

[Giovanni]

Was there recently a visitor to his school?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Giovanni]

What I'm saying is people come from animals and all of a sudden, like, it's like that. That's what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Reptile docent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna show him the preacher who was killed by the snake, you know, a month and a half ago. But either way, he wants to be snake something. And he wants. He's reptile something. Snake something. You know, if dinosaurs were around, he'd be the dinosaur guy, and he still can be the Dinosaur guy. But I went to a musical that he was supposed to do a few years back and he just stood there. He's uncomfortable, he doesn't want to do it. There is a thing where it's like, who's the performance for? It's not for him.

[Bald Brian]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a waste of his time. And when they do that thing where they go, well, it's good for self esteem to what, do things you suck at, that you hate in front of large groups of people. That's wonderful for your self esteem. So let's just say he was very overweight. We should put him in a super tight fitting bathing suit and just send him out to the pool at Caesar's Palace. What other things should we do do to him that he does not want to do in front of other people? That's my question. And look, I know it's not gonna kill him, but I just mean he's not interested. It's for the parents, so all the.

[Allison Rosen]

Kids in the school have to be in the play.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels like it. I don't know. It's not like he auditioned and beat out three other fellows.

[Allison Rosen]

The interesting thing, and obviously you know what he's into much more than any the of. But I'm just remembering that when he came in and did the. It's just a waste of my time. He does have a hammy streak. Has he grown out of that? That's a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

I told him to give me three takes and he's pretty good. Well, he's figured out that he's made a bunch of money from you guys downloading it as a ringtone. And he's definitely connected the dots. And not a week goes by where he doesn't hit me up for the cash. Like where he's like, hey man, that ringtone's, you know, selling like hotcakes. And I'm gonna need. I need to, I need a taste. I need to wet my beak. And I'm like. And I said to him, that's going in the kitty. That's the general that goes in the kiddie pool. That daddy slush fund. Yeah. See the house you're living in, the doggy food, the people food, the car space heater's been running because Natalia likes toasty when she gets home from school. That's all going into that. Wait, what was that last one?

[Giovanni]

Subtle.

[Adam Carolla]

Honestly, I've done the. Give me three takes. If you guys, if you guys don't know what we're talking about? Most probably do, but in, I don't know, the Hollywood world, or let's say the voiceover world, they'll go, at a certain point, you'll be acting around, but at a certain point, like if you're doing the Family Guy and the line is, oh, I didn't know you were here. They'll do a just give me three. Like you won't have to slate in between. And then you go, oh, oh, I didn't know you were here. And then they go, oh, I didn't know you were here. And then you go, oh, I didn't know you were here. And then they'll get their three. That's how they do it. And they just went three different versions of the same line. That's what we're having Sonny do with his now famous ringtone. Just a waste of my time anyway, you're wasting my time now. So let's hope he's depleted enough not to make the play. But last I left, Mama was running lines with him. They were doing rails of cocaine. They're pretty fucked up, those two.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's.

[Giovanni]

You have your method.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. That's right. So all the great ones did. So that's tonight. We'll see if it's gonna happen or not. And then also when they do deliver the line, they completely mailed it in. Like they. They get a little. They get shy on stage and they just kind of of. It's an interesting thing because they act as if their job is to spit this line out as fast as they can and then step back. So there's no acting. There's not much involved with it. You get to see your kid on stage, but doing a piss poor job at whatever it is they're attempting to do. But now you'll have that on video for eternity. Mm. I'm excited. Anyway, anyway, we'll have Mike Leach, who's the head coach over there at Washington State, calling in nothing about football. Wrote a book about Geronimo and his leadership and all that good stuff. So I'll talk to him in a second.

[Giovanni]

Who doesn't get shy on stage? Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, Midnight Superstar. I was gonna get into that.

[Giovanni]

I've taped on your top three finish.

[Adam Carolla]

I taped. I don't know if it's taped. I dvred it last night and ended up going to bed before I saw it. So I will watch it tonight than. But I don't know what happened. Anything to tell us?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, do you want to know how I did do you want a spoiler or you want to wait and find out?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know it was a competition.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, it's a game show. Or it's set up. It's got the structure of the structured comedy show.

[Giovanni]

The structured panel show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know that, but I didn't know there was a part where you got to win or lose or what have you.

[Giovanni]

I think it's kind of like, whose line is it anyway? They award arbitrary points and someone wins, but it's really just jokes. It's just. Yeah, yeah, Panel show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so there are little competitions, and there's multiple choice and stuff, and then there's ones where.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, segments.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, nerve wracking. How'd you do?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want. You want to know? You want to be spoiled? Because in this world, you can't talk about anything without someone jumping down your throat and climbing out your asshole and then back up again about spoilers.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not going back in. Just going through and out.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know how to take that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the.

[Allison Rosen]

I lost.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. I don't know. I feel like every single trailer for an Adam Sandler movie don't you know exactly the beginning, the middle, and the end.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, don't. Oh, he's back in town. He's reunited with his old. But, oh, here's the young frat boys now. They're gonna. Ooh, ooh, they're down at the quarry jumping into the water hole. Oh, they're gonna try to show him up. You know, it's just like, oh, and then he meets this woman, and, oh, his wife's pissed off. Or. I mean, you look at a trailer to an Adam Sandler movie, and you. You could literally, like, if they said if there. If it was like a Cliff Notes thing, like, if it was a quiz, you could go see an Adam Sandler trailer. Like, if you were in the theater when they were playing a trailer for one of his movies, and then go back and do a dissertation on it as if you'd seen it and be quizzed on it and explain everything that happened in the movie, because you know exactly what happened.

[Giovanni]

Describe it in great detail.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So with that in mind, I still feel like I can enjoy you doing your thing when I go home tonight and watch it.

[Allison Rosen]

And then I think, so, yes. And I was up. I was in the lead for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

And then, see, there we are there. There we're looking at a little screen cap, and there I am with A small but healthy lead.

[Adam Carolla]

Dana Gould and Greg Proops are like two of the fastest, funniest guys on the planet. Planet.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'm the third funniest guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's pretty stiff competition.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I thought so too.

[Giovanni]

She held her own.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Very good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, so yesterday when you guys.

[Giovanni]

Pretty good.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you do? And I said, I think I did well. I was referring to my overall performance, not my winning or losing because it's really, it's very, very arbitrary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, well, whoever wins it doesn't describe it as very arbitrary. It's an exact science. It's a laser type. Exact science distills your funny into its essence. All they do is crunch numbers and they. Yeah, it was funny. It is a great way of describing. It's so much a part of our culture, the way things are, the way one describes.

[Allison Rosen]

If I had one, I wouldn't be describing it that way for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just mean everybody does that with everything. All the time, politically. It happens all the time. I remember, like I said when I talked to Dax Shepard at Jimmy's wedding, I said, I just got back from Lime Rock, the Paul Newman's racetrack. And he said, I just did the Lamborghini whatever race over at Lime Rock where they take the Lamborghinis and, and they give them to people and they're like specially prepared and blah blah, blah. And I said, how'd you do? And he said, I podiumed. And I said, oh, third place. And he went, yeah. And I said, okay. Cause as we always talk about, if it's second, it's second. If it's first, it's fucking first. And if it's podium, it's third.

[Allison Rosen]

It's arbitrary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I knew. Yeah, it's arbitrary. Thank you. It's arbitrary. DraftKings, that ain't arbitrary, baby. My listeners, we winning like crazy. Crazy money. Over at DraftKings.com, america's favorite one day fantasy baseball site. Do not miss this. One guy put in 11 bucks, won 4,000 bucks. Another guy won a hundred grand. First time out. First time ever. Another guy won a million bucks last year. Brian, how you hanging?

[Giovanni]

I did not get into the contest yesterday. Finished middle of the pack of about 500 people, but today, right back in it. Actually in first place right now, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I'm actually in first place in a contest I'm in today.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's podium, but that's top of the podium. Easy. One day fantasy baseball. No season long commitments, no being stuck with players, just instant cash every day. DraftKings Dawson right now, get free entry.

[Joe Koy]

Into DraftKings biggest fantasy baseball contest of the year. Over 3 million bucks in cash prizes.

[Adam Carolla]

With a million for first place. Enter [e-mail] for your free shot at hundreds, thousands, even a million bucks. Free spots are going quick. Enter at them [e-mail] DraftKings.com Alrighty. If you want a once your jacket of President Me signed, you can send it in. We do this with all the books. You guys send them in. Matt lets them pile up a little bit, and then I sign them. You can send it to the P.O. box on our website. And also if you'd like a signed hardcover copy of not taco bell material. 10 bucks. That'll cover everything. And like I said, not much profit in it for us at that price. But I got 5,000 of them sitting in boxes. I don't want to end up like Larry Miller, who literally still has books. Said he can't park his car in his garage because it's full of his books. You know, I wanted to come up with this thing, Tell me what you guys think you want to talk about. And now with ebay and the Internet and everything. I came with this idea years ago, but now with ebay, certainly be a way to make a shitload of money. I don't feel like I grew up with things in my house that I probably should have thrown away, but I didn't. Anyway, meaning this. There is so much shit now in everyone's life. Young, old, rich, or poor. There's just a bunch of stuff. Like when I grew up, we had the same mugs, the same plates, the same urine graduated urine holder that my sister used to drink out of, which was like his beaker from the turn of the century. But I mean, it's like same sofa, same TV set. Like pieces of furniture that if you close your eyes, you would see it, you know, in that living room, that rug, even the frying pan, like the.

[Allison Rosen]

Sugar canister thing that my parents use, that they still use. I think it's older than I am.

[Adam Carolla]

My Aunt Pat had a plastic. It's one of those things where you kind of admired it. And then it was also kind of like, all right, half gallon square cardboard milk jug would slide into it. It had a handle on it, had sort of a bottom and. And kind of a harness at the top, and you'd slide the thing. And then instead of holding the thing with your hands, you'd used to have cartons in there. Yeah, drop the carton in there and you'd hold. I went back to our house, you know, a couple years ago. That was where my childhood saw it. It had been glued together seven different times. It looked horrible, but there it stood. And now I realize as I'm combing through my shit and trying to consolidate shit and organize shit, I have so much stuff that you could not throw away, but you'll never touch it or never use it. And like, for instance, books. What do you want to throw away? A book. But on the other hand, what are you going to do? Weird little promotional things like, hey, it's a miniature surfboard with the name of this beer company on it, and it's really nicely done and really cool. Not going to use it.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do with that stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody spent some time on it.

[Giovanni]

Start a podcast. You populate the warehouse with that cool shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a couple. I had a couple things, but plus also, this has ever been a time in history, and I'd love to figure this one out, but time spent if you just. You put a ticker on it like you do with a jet engine. Jet engine has, you know, hours. How many hours is on this engine? And when you get to 2000 hours, you have to rebuild the engine or whatever it is. They don't go back by mileage or RPM or whatever. It's an hourly thing. My kids. I was just giving away Natalia's battery powered Jeep that she could sit in and steer and drive around would have been by far the coolest thing in my toy arsenal. Easily by a country mile. When I was a kid, she drove that thing seven times up and back on the driveway. Now she's kind of grown out of it. I sometimes do the math. Like, that thing was 389 bucks. She spent exactly an hour and 41 minutes in it combined. That means I spent $55 an hour for her to fucking drive this thing around. Like it was like. It's one of those things where if you do the math, you'll want to fucking kill yourself. And now I have to dispose of it, but I can't throw it away. It's nice, you know, and then it just all. I think there's probably been never. I haven't been to the Goodwill, but there couldn't be a better time to be a super poor kid who's making the Goodwill run. Because when I was going to the Goodwill with my mom back in the day, it was, oh, it's the game of life, but it's missing nine pieces and somebody fucking threw up on the board and it stuck together, you know, weird mildew cardboard smell.

[Allison Rosen]

Silver fish in the middle of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Then like, the shoes were like old man leather suit shoes. Like, no cool. No Nikes or anything. And that in that bunch. And coffee mugs with the handle busted off that was in a weird funky smell. Like, that was all that. Was there some bad, bad furniture from, you know, the 30s?

[Giovanni]

I wonder if their standards have gone up, I. E. What they'll take and reject because of people giving. Giving what seems to be nicer stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

All I know is we get together a pretty sizable pile every year of some pretty good shit and go, this is going to the Goodwill, and those kids are getting, like, a fucking cool air hockey game. Not a piece of shit mug with a handle busted off. And I was speaking air hockey. The kids got the air hockey game for Christmas. Not the big ones that they have at an arcade, but the smaller home version, the ghetto version. The ghetto version. Thank you. And they played it four times, you know, like around Christmas time. And now it's just kind of sitting on the back porch and they ain't playing it again. Like, they walk past it back and forth every day and ain't touching it. And I was just trying to think, like, average time spent with a doll or a dollhouse or a truck. I mean, when I was a kid, I got like a Tonka truck. I fucking pushed that thing around the globe nine times. I sat on it, I polished it, you know. Then like, the next day, what are you going to do? I'm going to play with my Tonka truck, you know, had a train set. It's like, what are you going to do? Play with the train set. Like, whatever it was. If some kid had even, you know, just a Nerf football, that thing was all day, every day, like, all summer. These kids fuck around with this shit for 15 minutes, and then they're done. Like, they're moving on. And then you just have to clean up after them, this notion. And like I said, I'm sure back in the day somebody had a cup with a string on it and a ball. They would throw it in the air and try to catch it in the cup. And that was all day, every day. That was it.

[Giovanni]

Kick the can.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally just that. The stick with the wheel running down the street with it or what's the privilege, kids? But even. Yeah, but even something like a hula hoop. I mean, someone just go out in the backyard with the hula hoop, and they were down with that hula hoop all fucking day. And Then the next day, they were trying. I got a. You know, I got a unicycle. And that was it for me. I was all day, every day on the unicycle. That's. That's all I did. Or even something like a bicycle. I don't get kids. Like, my kids have bicycles. They don't spend any time. I know the TV's here. I know the computer's here. I know there's a big flat panel TV and some air conditioning blowing. But I'm just saying, like, the air hockey, they enjoyed it for 20 minutes. And now the bloom's off the rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Seems like a thing to bring to the studio, perhaps. Or is it children's size?

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It is kind of. Kind of children size. Kind of fun to play with a kid. But it's just like Chris Lock's mono.

[Giovanni]

Small.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything. Just kind of like, you don't even want to do it anymore because you go, ooh, get a foosball thing. That'll be fun. Like, it'll be fun for 10 minutes, and then they'll be done. Done with it. Well, Brian, what was your thing when you're growing up? I got the call.

[Giovanni]

I got the call a month ago that I'd been expecting for 15 years, which is, hey, son, we're cleaning out our basement once and for all. Come get your shit or it's gone. And I got all my childhood toys that they kept. And by all my toys, I mean, like, I think it was, like, two boxes. One of, like, Star wars guys and one of, like, GI Joe guys. Maybe like, some baseball cards and stuff. But those were my toys for probably a decade.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

And wasn't a huge variety.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple, you know, office boxes, 15 to 25. He didn't say which decade.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Was that not clear? But those were my toys. It wasn't a constant, you know, cavalry.

[Adam Carolla]

You just had your shit. Had your shit. Yeah. Allison, what was your shit?

[Allison Rosen]

I like stuffed animals. I did not like dolls. My shit was stuffed animals. I'm trying to think if there was anything. I think I went through a sticker collecting and sticker club thing. I did read some books. I'm sorry. I did. I liked books. Series of books. Yeah. And think that. That's pretty. I wasn't super. I'm trying to think there wasn't. Like, I didn't collect figurines or anything like that.

[Giovanni]

No Transformers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I like to paint.

[Adam Carolla]

I like. I said I had everybody. I had everybody. If it. If it. The rules were, if it plugged in Took batteries or brought joy. It was not allowed in the Corolla house. So I. I remember that. Oh, my buddy Chris had the electronic battleship and my other buddy had the Stratego. And then his dad got a pool table. And once his dad got a pool table, it was on.

[Giovanni]

I think Stratego does all three. That's like the Venn diagram of things that does all three bring joy. Plugs in batteries, get it out of the house.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think it. I don't at least see the sweet.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's a board game.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a board game.

[Allison Rosen]

Pretty fun, if I remember correct.

[Giovanni]

Think of Strat O Matic.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike's Mike Leach on the line. Coach, you on the phone.

[Mike Leach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to speak to you, Mike Leach.

[Mike Leach]

Yeah, great talking to you. Heck enjoyed watching you in the activated. I was curious, whatever happened to that trampoline?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that was the best. You know, when we do the man show, we'd shoot it over right. Legion park, right next to Dodger Station is where we used to shoot trampoline scenes, the trampoline scenes. And Jimmy and I were usually almost always working on something else, so somebody else would go sit there. But every once in a while I'd show up and there to be big Doug DeLuca smoking a cigar, saying, that's it. Spread your legs. Kick your legs out a little wider when you get to the top of the. Yeah, tough job. It's a tough job if someone had to do it. Coach, you work in Washington state right now and you wrote a book, Leadership Strategies of an American Warrior. What don't most people know about Geronimo?

[Mike Leach]

You know, I think there's a lot of little details. The overall, I think everybody kind of views him as somewhere between what you yell when you run out of, when you jump out of a plane to, you know, a brave warrior. But I think a lot of the in between, how are they able to travel 60 miles a day? What did they do when they trained as youth to become warriors? All those things. And that's the part, I guess, that's fascinated me the most, coaching football for over the years. I guess how this started. And it sounds like just overhearing what your talks about before, you know, my neighborhood was a cross between Little Rascals with technology coming in, where you had, you know, a combination of junk and dogs as you'd play out in the yard. And one of our deals was cowboys and Indians in Geronimo. So my interest starts there and then the opportunity to. Then I start coaching football. So I got a picture of Geronimo over my desk and I'd tell my team stories of about, you know, feats that the Apaches would do and things that they're capable of and then they'd ask about it. So I'd research even more. Then I had the opportunity to do the book with my co author, Buddy Levy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how would they cover 60 miles a day back in the day?

[Mike Leach]

Well, first of all, they planned ahead. The Apaches navigated by mountains rather than streams. And I think part of it was, was they wanted to maintain the high ground because of the combat. I think they also, there was better food source, water source. The other thing is they're just incredibly well conditioned people that expected to be able to do it and needed to do it out of necessity because they're being chased by the American soldiers and the Mexican soldiers at the time. They also would have stores along the way, stuff stored in caves and things, and then everything from materials to repair moccasins, food sources, you know, stuff that they needed stored along a lot of the routes that they.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's interesting. And how, when you, when you say they were, you know, superbly conditioned, how much about conditioning did they know, if anything?

[Mike Leach]

I think what. And you know, I think some of it I'm not sure. I've been curious about that and I really would like to know more about that. And that's the part that's fascinated me the most. I think some of what they did, they did just like, all right, we have to be able to do this. And if we do this over and over again, we're going to get better at it. I mean, for example, they would run through the desert as youth, you know, as, you know, 11 to 13 years old, they'd run through the desert with a mouthful of water and they'd have to go 10 miles and then they'd spit the water out at the end. They'd break the ice on the creek and say, get the creek and swim. And then they wouldn't let them stand by the fire until a while later. They'd have these organized kind of rock fights where everybody's hiding, dodging and throwing, and then they work their way up to bows and arrows with blunt ends. And then. But I think, you know, with the running there was a consideration on breathing correctly. They wanted them to be able to breathe through the nose and have the discipline to do it consistently for a long period of time, which certainly would condition you to run a long distance. And the breathing considered in doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Correctly and so how did Geronimo distinguish him himself?

[Mike Leach]

Geronimo was never actually a chief. Geronimo was a medicine man, viewed as a spiritual leader, but was involved in a lot of the decisions, you know, that the tribe made. And a lot of times the decision. Geronimo was the last Indian to surrender, essentially. And Geronimo, like a lot of his people, had a vision of the Apache destiny and their place on earth and in, you know, that this was their land and they felt like there are people that was a part of the land that were attached to it spiritually as well as, you know, just actually living there and wanted to be there and, you know, and not only believed in what he did, but had the fortitude and the energy, because most of where people know of him going back and forth and traveling these great distances and fighting these great battles. He's in his mid-50s, mid to late 50s. And then after his great feats on the battlefield, then he's viewed as kind of this symbol of courage. Courage, bravery. He marches in Teddy Roosevelt's inaugural parade.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mike Leach]

And from there he's. It was him, Quanah Parker. And there was a third figure of the. I. I think it was Red Cloud. I just can't remember for sure. But Geronimo was the. Was one of the features of Teddy Roosevelt's inaugural parade.

[Adam Carolla]

So did he. Did he. I'm sorry for cutting you off, Coach, but did he lead sort of a celebrity life after. In his waning years?

[Mike Leach]

It was funny. He was a prisoner of war, and yet he was a celebrity. And I mean a celebrity to the point where people would pay for his signature, pay for a photograph of him. It was one big thing was they. That people wanted to buy his buttons on his coat. So it got to where he would. He would sell the buttons on his coat, but then on the inside of his coat, he'd have a bunch of buttons sewn in there. So he'd have plenty of buttons to sell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the end. I know.

[Mike Leach]

In Fort Sill, Oklahoma, he died when he was either 85 or 88. Nobody knows exactly when his birthday was, but 85 to 88. And he's on his. He's on his horse. He used to go have a few drinks there at Floyd, near Fort Sill, Oklahoma, where he's kind of a prisoner of war and falls off his horse, hits his head, essentially dies in trunk drive.

[Adam Carolla]

But he. Well, that's before horses had airbags. By the way, the prisoner of war. We can get on your horse and go to a saloon and Have a belt. Doesn't sound like, doesn't sound as bad.

[Giovanni]

As getting 10 bucks for your autograph.

[Adam Carolla]

It made it Google have heard about. He was a prisoner of war until the end, essentially.

[Mike Leach]

Yeah, well, when they first took the Apaches out of Arizona, and it was always his dream, and he was promised this too, that he and his people would have the opportunity to go back to Arizona. And he never was allowed to go back to Arizona. And some of it had to do with the fear and the intention, intensity of the Apache battles that existed.

[Adam Carolla]

What year did he die?

[Mike Leach]

He died in the early 1900s, I'll tell you. I mean, and that's a key question that everybody in the world wants to know. And the most important and the best way to find out is to go get a copy of Geronimo Leadership Strategies of an American Warrior and it'll pinpoint that exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you just Google it. I'm just screwing with you, coach.

[Mike Leach]

You can do that. Quite frankly, I think that's where we, I'm not sure that that's not how we started on that portion of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, the point is, is, you know, in terms of a character, I mean, as a coach, that's sort of what you're coaching, right? You know, I mean, push through the pain, the warrior spirit, you know, work out, work the other guy. You know, it's hot and you're depleted, but you got to keep. You know, so many things in football have so many of those connotations. It's so many corollaries between that and that kind of spirit. Right.

[Mike Leach]

Well, I think, I think that's true and that's kind of why I've always had the picture over my desk. That and I just like the picture and then. But you know, I think anytime you have a group activity and you're working really hard at it, it's easy to one get monotonous and feel like, well, here we go again. We're doing the same thing over and over again. So to diversify with some inspiration of somebody else and realizing other people have gone through their struggles. And then the other thing, of course, the temptation to feel sorry for yourself, you know, and I mean, we've actually done this, you know, God, guys, tired. We have hard workouts during two a days or something, you know, you remind everybody. Well, yeah, but young Apache boys, when they were 11 years old were running through the desert with either a mouthful of rocks or mouthful of water. And this, that, the other thing, you know, and I think it does, it keeps it interesting kind of Solidifies and refocuses the efforts, and then in the end, people are capable of doing more than they think they can. I mean, it was funny with the Apaches. They literally had an expectation that this was possible and that it was going to happen and that they were able to accomplish some things that literally aren't even attempted anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the book is called Geronimo Leadership Strategies of an American Warrior. Mike will be watching this year here, see how the team does and wish you luck on the book.

[Mike Leach]

Well, thank you so much and I really appreciate your having me on and look forward to talking to you somewhere down the road.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Mike. Appreciate it's available on Amazon. Click throughout comm and look. Yeah, it's nice. Nice to see that again that. Well, we're just talking about my kids and being done with air hockey and then Apache warriors running 10 miles with gravel in their mouth so much up there. I'd be a horrible Indian because I'd be like, we're only going to eat the best parts of the buffalo. Just the best part of the buffalo. Just the meatiest, juiciest, most savoriest part of the buffalo.

[Allison Rosen]

We're using all the parts of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Buffalo, not this Indian. Yeah, no, everything I will use, I'm using the. I use the cheek and the loin and.

[Giovanni]

Some of the rib.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have a New York strip or is that. Are we to have that out? I want the New York and I want it nicely marbled. Bone in.

[Allison Rosen]

We haven't named the cuts of the buffalo. We just call it Buffalo. We just use all of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can use all of it. Have fun making a hat out of that buffalo ass. That'll be your thing. I'm just going to eat the bone in. Rib eye. That's nicely marbled. That's me.

[Giovanni]

Nice hat.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's see about that. Thank you. It's a buff hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Jo Koy is here, everybody. Always good news when Jo Coy comes to the studio. We'll take a quick break. Be right back with Jo Coy now. All right, Joe Coy in studio.

[Joe Koy]

Hello, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, Joe.

[Joe Koy]

It's my birthday and I know you hate birthdays, but it's my birthday yesterday.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Said yesterday.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I didn't see him yesterday, so I'm saying it today.

[Adam Carolla]

How old did you turn, Joe?

[Joe Koy]

43.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good age.

[Joe Koy]

When you're Asian, you look 33, so. Thank you, Mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no peaks. Very true. No valleys. Just a nice straight line through life.

[Joe Koy]

Yep. Right when you hit 70 you just look like Mr. Miyagi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's nice. No, it is a weird thing if you think about it. The belles of the balls are always the tall blondes. Like the blondes, the girls that get the most attention in junior high at age 13 are blondes. The boys that probably get the most attention are the cute 13, 14 year old blonde. They're also the ones that bottom out the hardest at 54, bottom out at 25. Sometimes they start looking about 35. At 25, if the blonde's doing a little too much partying and lives too close to the beach. Yes. Like she's from Phoenix and smokes a little and drinks a little. Yes. Sun blasted is what happens. But there is a sort of. There's a very interesting sort of corrective nature to the universe, which is, hey, Cameron Diaz's sister. Enjoy it now because you will. Your phone's never gonna stop ringing all the way through junior high and high school, but at 41, you're gonna look like you got hit by a train.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the blinder you are, the more that phone rings in junior high and the harder that train hits you. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like a firecracker that has like a big thing but doesn't last very long.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird. If you're four and a half or five, you can ride years.

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's you, Joe.

[Joe Koy]

That's me.

[Adam Carolla]

Congratulations on not being blonde.

[Joe Koy]

Thanks, mom. Thanks, Asian mom.

[Adam Carolla]

The Ontario improv is where you can find Joe. That is June 5th through the 7th and then again through the June 12th through the 14th and then the Columbus Funny Bone. That is the 20th through the 22nd. You're traveling, you're on the road. You're doing comedy almost every weekend. Do you like it? Do you love it? Do you want to get off the road? Would you like to get a full time gig? I mean, just like, hey, he's got a late night show or Comedy Central show or is the road comedy in you where you're at?

[Joe Koy]

I want the show. I've had several chances. Hollywood has given me every opportunity to say you're Asian. So we're not going to give you a show. Here's a show. But can you make it more Asian? Asian. That's too Asian. We're taking the show back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a weird.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like find an Asian sweet spot.

[Joe Koy]

There's no sweet spot, but hopefully it'll happen. I'll just keep doing it, but. But I love stand up so much that I'll Never stop. No matter how hard or how, you know, how hard the road is or.

[Adam Carolla]

How'S the process work for you in terms of jokes and coming up with jokes and working out material.

[Joe Koy]

Thursday is my joke writing day. I don't write jokes down, but I will go up there with every idea that I thought of for that week and just go for it on Thursday.

[Adam Carolla]

Where? At.

[Joe Koy]

Any club. No, no, it's the. Thursday is the start of my weekend. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But Thursday always has one show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Koy]

So I don't have to worry about going over. So I usually do about two hours on a Thursday.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's just the rock soup of comedy acts. I mean, it's all the stuff you've been thinking about.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah. And I'll put it between jokes that I know that are. You know, that are solid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Other people's jokes. Yeah. And then there's no set we just walk out on.

[Joe Koy]

I love. That's. That's the one thing I like about my standup is I try my hardest to do the personal stories and, you know, the stuff about, you know, my son or my mom that way, it's just you. It's. I want to try and stay away from that. Oh, that. That was mine. That was this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, whatever. That. No, that's my mom that did that to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Koy]

That's my son that did that to himself.

[Allison Rosen]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Joe Rogan can't accuse you of stealing that joke because he doesn't have an Asian mom.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I just got a black belt.

[Joe Koy]

I want to do the personal stories, you know, and that was my biggest thing. So, like, if you watch both my specials, it's like, okay, yeah, I get it. He's just telling the stories, and that's where I want to get at. It's when you start doing the political jokes or the observational jokes, of course you're going to cross, you know, well, certain ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

Many times somebody says, I don't know, Bush says, we're gonna have to build the wall up between United States and Mexico. And then 7,000 comics think @ the same time, who's gonna build that wall?

[Joe Koy]

But not only the comics, but the people in the offices. Such an easy job.

[Adam Carolla]

And then somebody jumps up on stage and goes, yeah, yeah. When they're. I hope the Mexicans are on the right side of the wall when they build it. Whatever. Because you know, who's going to build that wall?

[Allison Rosen]

You stole that from sue in accounting.

[Adam Carolla]

And then everyone goes, you stole that joke. And it's like, we're all wired the same. We're all just human beings. We all think the same way. And when we see a sign that says jumbo shrimp, we all chuckle to ourselves.

[Giovanni]

Doesn't make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and that's. I mean, it's like. It's just. That's how we're wired. And since we're all wired the same, it stands to reason that we're going to run into the same territory joke wise, quite often.

[Allison Rosen]

So then when you're writing jokes, will you, as a rule, like, throw out the first thing that you think of?

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, do you have a good.

[Adam Carolla]

He's trying to do the personal stuff so he doesn't even have to run into that.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, exactly. Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I sit down and I go, me and Joe Coy's mom and. No, but you. You want to say, you want to get into more storytelling, more personal stuff. So you're talking about your son, you're talking about your mom. And thus it could never be me thinking of that joke because I don't have that experience.

[Joe Koy]

But I also took on that style because it wasn't because of that. It's just my inspirations were like Cosby and Eddie Murphy, and it was more of the, here's a story about my mom and my aunt and blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always the great Asian comedian. Right? Yeah, here's the story.

[Joe Koy]

I love the storytelling. That's what I enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also. It's a lot easier to tell a story than it is to remember 11 jokes. Like, you can tell a funny story and chew up 16 minutes. Yes. And they'll need to be a couple of jokes woven into the story, but they'll be organic to the story. Versus if you're just shotgunning jokes that are sort of non sequiturs. You're gonna have to memorize a shitload of jokes.

[Joe Koy]

But it's just like you, Adam, because when you go on stage, you just take a topic and run. We have the ability to just, I guess, say or deliver whatever we're trying to say in joke form. We're not trying to hit that punchline. It just comes out of Adam's fucking mouth that way. Am I right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

You don't write this down.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, when you go on.

[Joe Koy]

Stage, you do the same thing. And that's how I do it with my storytelling. It's like, I know there's a story about my son. Like, you know, I'll just do a paintball joke. You know what I mean about me taking my Son out for paintball with all his friends. And something happened that was really funny. And I'm going to go on stage and now I'm going to figure out how to do it the right way to where it sounds like a joke but it's actually something that really happened. That's it. Boring.

[Adam Carolla]

Boring. I'll tell you what you should do. I'll tell you what your son should do. If he's listening.

[Joe Koy]

You're not going to a commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a commercial.

[Allison Rosen]

He was in commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

Speak to from the heart stories.

[Joe Koy]

Crumple that thing up.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need it. Get it out of my face, man. Because I speak crumple.

[Joe Koy]

It's still.

[Adam Carolla]

I speak from the heart when I talk about man. Crate. That's right. Check out mancrate.com searching for a father's Day gift. Awesome. Gifts for guys packed in a wooden crate and delivered with a crowbar. I like that. Accessories. No trips to the garage. It's right there. There. All types of crates. Survival gear. Grilling tools. Barware. Exotic jerky. That's right. And you can give dad a laser etched name. You do your dad's name. Don't say dad. Don't use my dad. Use your dad's name. You can do it into pint glasses and coasters. Perfect. Personalized gift. And again, it's just better than going down to the store and getting them a tie or turtleneck sweater. I got. My dad had a navy crew neck sweater and he took it back. Hell yeah. What the hell? Said he didn't like it. What is there not to like about? All right. Enough about me. They're giving away some Corolla swag for the first 50 buyers. So you just check out mancrates.com Adam. We were. I don't know why I thought about you, but somebody else brought this up. I thought it'd be fitting to have you. We did a long rant on Benihana.

[Joe Koy]

Unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's so offensive. And we talked about all the ins and outs of Benihana. But then somebody tweeted me and said the worst part about Benihana is half the chefs aren't Japanese.

[Joe Koy]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't.

[Joe Koy]

Haru.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Welcome to Bine. Hana.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Finally.

[Joe Koy]

I am the one only Ori Japanese chef.

[Adam Carolla]

Ori Honori? No.

[Joe Koy]

Honorary. Like the one of a kind.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the only.

[Joe Koy]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the only Japanese chef ever.

[Joe Koy]

Exactory.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of drink?

[Joe Koy]

Egg Zachary.

[Giovanni]

Egg daiquiri.

[Joe Koy]

Egg daiquiri. What is it that even if that's a drink, I would not drink it.

[Adam Carolla]

My boy Brian over here, guy. Yeah, yeah. Celebrating. What is it now? 5 years? 6 years?

[Giovanni]

5 years tumor free.

[Adam Carolla]

Tumor free.

[Joe Koy]

I will cook a tuma for you. Very tasty with the butter and salt.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Joe Koy]

In my country, tuma more expensive than Kobe steak.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's pretty rare.

[Joe Koy]

Do you have a tumor with you?

[Giovanni]

Well, in a way, yes.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, well, please let me get it out. They put on chopping box board.

[Adam Carolla]

What the. The move we liked. I like this volcano. The volcano.

[Joe Koy]

How about shrimp tail to hat?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Koy]

I created that one.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy. That's your move. I don't want to.

[Joe Koy]

I turn spatula into a catapult.

[Adam Carolla]

Do what?

[Joe Koy]

Then I hit the end of the spatula and the shrimp tail then fly into air. And then I move shadow hat forward and tail landing hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this guy.

[Joe Koy]

And he stayed there for the remainder of the dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy described unbelievable a what he called a trebuchet that he would make from his belt and a wooden spoon, and he would use it to launch. Not that. What'd you say you used?

[Joe Koy]

Spatula. Spa.

[Adam Carolla]

Spa.

[Joe Koy]

Chur.

[Adam Carolla]

Chur. Ra.

[Joe Koy]

Ra.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know that. I don't know. I don't think I.

[Joe Koy]

We use it for catapulting. Schmidt cake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I gotta go. Guatemalan lady for my pancakes. But so use a spatula. Oh, and I see. And then you just throw the shrimp tail up in the air and catch with a hat. And catch with the hat. And then the last one he catches with his pocket.

[Joe Koy]

Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that your move?

[Joe Koy]

Also my move.

[Adam Carolla]

See?

[Joe Koy]

But I used to do it with no pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Joe Koy]

Which made even more spectacular.

[Adam Carolla]

That's spectacular.

[Joe Koy]

Very spectacular. Because I would shoot the shrimp tail in air, then get thread and needle and saw a pocket into chess, then open a packet and catch a shrimp tail all in 1.4 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

That's mind numbing.

[Joe Koy]

Absolutely. Unbeliever. Yeah, unbeliever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I went to the Benihana that was out.

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lake. No, no, no, no, no. I went to the one. I went to the one out in Japan. Want to run around pebble beach area. Oh, and that guy said, yeah, it's a nice one right there by the fisherman.

[Joe Koy]

Fisherman, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He said the shrimp and the hat thing was his idea.

[Joe Koy]

That son of a bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

You're talking about Paul Ogata.

[Adam Carolla]

Paul Gata. That's the guy. He seems sincere.

[Joe Koy]

He was understudy for about two years.

[Adam Carolla]

He said they didn't have the shrimp in the hat thing.

[Joe Koy]

No, they didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

He said they had the volcano thing when he got there.

[Joe Koy]

Also my creator. Creation.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he didn't say that.

[Joe Koy]

I also created bukaki. Ask him about that one.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't get into that.

[Joe Koy]

Came about that one right before dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

He said.

[Joe Koy]

What did he say?

[Adam Carolla]

He said the volcano was there.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't bring your name up.

[Joe Koy]

Of course not. He just said.

[Adam Carolla]

But he said shrimp in the hat. That's his thing. He said it was his bad for not getting a trademark.

[Joe Koy]

Did he? Oh, this son of a. This guy. Ask him about bukkake on his birthday, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Koy]

All of us just bukhaki all over his face.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the problem is with all the different couples sitting at the table.

[Joe Koy]

No problem. No, I just think that's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, but talking about bukkake in front of, you know, let's say.

[Joe Koy]

If they're Japanese woman, they have to listen.

[Giovanni]

Pebble beach especially.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a nice. It's a nice part of the state. Anyway way you came up with the shrimp in the hat.

[Joe Koy]

Sheep in a hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Volcano volcano. Shrimp in the pocket.

[Joe Koy]

I also create a salt and pepper shaker.

[Adam Carolla]

We put them together.

[Joe Koy]

Together. Either one. I was like, why put two but you can put both in one?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because what if somebody.

[Joe Koy]

Everyone in the restaurant went, oh, but.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the people just want pepper or salt?

[Joe Koy]

Those guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I'm saying.

[Joe Koy]

I think that's why those guys.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's why they have two separate.

[Joe Koy]

Well, not when I cook.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, this dude.

[Joe Koy]

Paul, you will enjoy salt and a pepper together.

[Adam Carolla]

Together in equal amounts.

[Joe Koy]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, how much training does it take?

[Joe Koy]

Oh, well, me, since I am a teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're an instructor.

[Joe Koy]

I will teach approximately 14 minutes. You will become executive chef.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Joe Koy]

Yes, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're again doesn't seem like enough. The only Japanese chef left.

[Joe Koy]

I am the only one because this.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy Paul was clearly Paul Ogata. Paul Ogate.

[Joe Koy]

Piece of.

[Adam Carolla]

I again, I don't.

[Joe Koy]

What a piece of.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to Snot rocket.

[Joe Koy]

That is a nickname at work.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not know.

[Joe Koy]

When he walks in, everyone go Bukaki like Norm from Cheers.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't. I had no idea the history that you guys had.

[Joe Koy]

What a son of a. Yeah, I didn't. I am shrimp potel guy. I am onion volcano guy. I am salt and pepper in the same can guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the shrimp and I'm sorry, the volcano. I think they do the train move.

[Giovanni]

That's What I was saying, I've seen and Adam had never seen this. You make the volcano and all of a sudden you start ticking along, go.

[Joe Koy]

Yes, that is also me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that you also? Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Of a legend here.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, thank you. I am, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like when. You know what I like about it? Every beer, by the way, ought to give you the choice between the regular bottle and the tall bottle. Like they do with the Sapporo. Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Or the shaped bottle like the other. Shaped like the Buddha or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I still like the idea of instead of just the shame of ordering, you know, 13 or 14, 12 ounce bottles, I can just order nine of the tall boys.

[Giovanni]

I've only had seven beers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just sitting saying, I like that. We're obviously we're going to be there for seven hours. Yeah, give me the fucking tall boy. Yes, I like that job.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah. How long is the show going to be? Because I'll take six of these beers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. I think that's probably why they invented the Sapporo, tall boy. Because they're like, yeah, like you're going to be here forever. So we're going to give you a tall beer.

[Joe Koy]

I also invented the tall.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Joe Koy]

In Japan, everyone's small. So the small beer is actually tall beer. Then we come to America, people much larger. So I say we need to make a larger beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's a tall boy, right?

[Giovanni]

Those are Japanese pony kegs, right?

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So I never thought about that. So in Japan they're just tall boy.

[Joe Koy]

Beer in America is actually a regular sized man. In Japan.

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought about that.

[Joe Koy]

That is a full size Japanese man.

[Adam Carolla]

Makes sense. So you come to the. You can place where everyone's small.

[Joe Koy]

You ever see saki cup?

[Adam Carolla]

Sake cup? Yeah, it's very small.

[Joe Koy]

Very small. But in Japanese hand look like big giant hot cocoa mug.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, it's like a big.

[Joe Koy]

It's a huge. You need two hand to hold sake cup in Japan.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not know that.

[Joe Koy]

Only two finger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a little confusing, the warm wine to me.

[Giovanni]

And we drop it into a larger glass, which is weirdly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we do.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, saki bomb. Yeah, we do that in tribute to Pearl Harbor.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think it's either something.

[Joe Koy]

I enjoy dropping that one.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a tribute to Pearl Harbor. I think they just.

[Joe Koy]

Well, unfortunately it is.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't think so.

[Joe Koy]

Every time someone do sucky bomb when I'm cooking, I Smile.

[Adam Carolla]

She think of Pearl Harbor.

[Joe Koy]

Just a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit.

[Joe Koy]

Just a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

You think about all this. Brave warriors.

[Joe Koy]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

This is getting dark.

[Adam Carolla]

It's getting dark. That bombed our napping people. All right, should we do some news?

[Allison Rosen]

Alison Rosen is Saki bomb, where people bang the table.

[Giovanni]

Saki. Saki bomb.

[Joe Koy]

Saki is when they have the chopsticks.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the one where everyone bangs the.

[Joe Koy]

Table and yells, yeah, some.

[Giovanni]

The one way to do it more.

[Allison Rosen]

Than sitting next to a table of.

[Giovanni]

Those people, one way to do it is put the two chopsticks on top of the glass, put the little thing on top of the chopsticks and pound the table, therefore making the chopsticks fall into the glass.

[Allison Rosen]

I've heard not only people who are in fraternities do it, but I feel like, how dare you? All right, news.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Bald Brian]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Joe Koy]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Adam Carolla]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut.

[Joe Koy]

It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison. Okay, so we are going to talk about this horrible story out of Wisconsin where the two 12 year olds stabbed their friend. But first, let's talk about something a little bit lighter. That's actually not lighter, but it's sort of something we were talking about yesterday. So, V. Stiviano, Donald Sterling's whatever she was, claimed that welder.

[Joe Koy]

His personal. Welder.

[Allison Rosen]

His personal. Yes, she was apprenticed to be his welder. Claimed that two white men threw punches at her and hurled racial insults at her, and therefore she couldn't appear on Anderson Cooper. However, we were skeptical, possibly because we're assholes, but it just didn't seem to add up because why weren't there any photos of her? And she hadn't filed a police report yet. She did end up filing a police report, but as of today, TMZ has a photo of her, and she doesn't appear to have been beat up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Now, by the way, half the battered look is the expression you have on your face.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then she does have that expression.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, she's sassy, but she's not sad.

[Allison Rosen]

The only thing I'm thinking is there does, like, the left side of her face on the right side of the photo for us. It looks a little puffier, but I. But that's not. That's, like puffy from reaction to lip gloss.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, what'd I say yesterday?

[Allison Rosen]

If she had actually been beaten, these photos would Be everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. She would have taken pictures of her with that sort of the way the shadow goes over your face, like in the bathroom, in the mirror. And she would have had that very somber, solemn sort of look. And she would have been accentuating whatever it was that it's almost in a weird way.

[Joe Koy]

And no makeup, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

No makeup.

[Joe Koy]

Never makeup.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Joe Koy]

You don't dress up a bruised eye with lipstick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's literally. It's sort of like a before and after with the same guy after he used the P62000 workout machine or something. No, seriously, you can take a guy and go take your shirt off.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that muscle confusion?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

P 62,000.

[Adam Carolla]

I always think I don't want my muscles confused. All of a sudden, I'm just walking my kids into school and I start punching myself in the face or masturbating or something. I don't need that. What I'm saying is this. If you want to do a picture of you with your shirt on where you're just exhaling and you're super dry and you just had a big meal or something, you'll just look like shit. And then there's a version where you can get down and do 25 pushups, turn at a little angle, will oil you up a little, and you can look like you've worked out. And that can just be a day. Like, there just is a version of that, and there's a version of looking like you got beat up that you can actually milk. Like, you can bring it out of you when it looks like, oh, something happened, but you can really make it look worse. You can underscore that look if you. If you want. So the point is this. If she was even scratched, like, if these two guys pummeled her, there'd be something about her. And even if she just had something, if there was a scratch on her neck, we would get the selfie in the mirror with the no makeup and the super somber look and the shadows, and you'd go, ooh, kind of looks like. But we're not seeing that.

[Joe Koy]

I'm not going to be. I don't mean to be mean, but in the picture, her assistant's next to her, and she looks like she's the one that got beat up.

[Adam Carolla]

She could have taken one for the team.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way.

[Allison Rosen]

But also, she looks a tiny bit like Eva Mendez.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I'm saying that got beat up. I'm saying this well after Will Smith kicked her in the face when he was getting off the ski do in that Fabulous rom com there. Pitched.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe. I don't know. Yes. Hitch. So if when two guys, as I've said, when you're 110 pounds, when two full sized men jump on you and punch you with a closed fist about the face, it leaves a mark.

[Allison Rosen]

See, why didn't she just claim. Hurled racial epithets at her? Because that you don't expect to see proof of.

[Joe Koy]

No, there's no bruise for that.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Right.

[Joe Koy]

I want to see the physical evidence.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing here.

[Allison Rosen]

Why would she do this?

[Joe Koy]

Well, one, she's not a real person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's a Jewish performance artist. She works out of the Bay Area. I've said that many times on many of these cases and I'm convinced it's one guy who's out of the bay, lives in a loft in the Bay Area, hides cash and he does.

[Allison Rosen]

Turns into her.

[Adam Carolla]

He does all this stuff and we all just buy into it and just argue over it. Yeah, he starts conversations.

[Allison Rosen]

He writes my news.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harley Mornstein]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So she, I thought probably didn't want to do Anderson Cooper because she was supposed to do Anderson Cooper.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's the claim. Although even that seems questionable to me because they canceled her without much information.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

And said they're talking about maybe rescheduling her, maybe on another show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so she. They canceled her and she said I canceled them. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

Either she's still trying to milk it. So that's why she said that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean, yes, but how do I.

[Joe Koy]

Stay in the news?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Her visors aren't keeping her there enough. Look, I think we're seeing the top of a visor. Perhaps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she looks like the guy from Cheap Trick. I mean, how he wears his hat.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, maybe she.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe.

[Joe Koy]

Who is gonna know that reference?

[Giovanni]

The nerdy guy. They're like two nerdy guys.

[Joe Koy]

Only us.

[Allison Rosen]

That's never stopped anyone before.

[Joe Koy]

Checkerboard on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she knew that this video from when she was doing the pilot for that reality show, that bald diggers was.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna come out and she was trying.

[Allison Rosen]

To change the conversation. Cause remember the timing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She had that video where she was talking smack about the brothers and the rims.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

While she was eating fiber too. And. And she wanted to take some of the heat off her by saying she also is a victim of racism. Yeah, maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that's what I'm guessing the timing is curious.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so onto weirder, darker, disturbinger.

[Joe Koy]

Wow, that's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Underrated band, by the way. Cheap Trick. Totally, totally.

[Allison Rosen]

So did you guys Hear the story? Two 12 year olds in Wisconsin stabbed a friend of theirs 19 times. She's in the hospital in stable condition, but according to an officer or a medical professional, it was like within a millimeter of her death. That's how close they were to piercing something. But they did like get a lot of major organs. The girls are being tried as adults.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the girls.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she got girls. Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weir. Some reports weren't including their names, but now their names have come out. And here's the weird part. They're saying that they did this out of allegiance to an Internet character named Slenderman. Fictional. It's an Internet meme. It's all very. It's confusing, I think to me, but I think also to other people though, the relationship that this has with that. But they told investigators they plan to kill the girl to please Slender Man, a demon like creature who preys on children. They said they read about the character on creepypasta.wikia.com, a website that publishes short creepy stories. They plan to kill the girl and then run away to Slenderman's mansion. Slender Man's mansion in Wisconsin Forest.

[Adam Carolla]

They told police, I'm sorry, two things. Sad that you can hate Slenderman and love Slim Jim so much. And two, breaking news. Somebody was just charged for the assault against V. Stiviano. And Gary just wrote this in my screen and says there's more details coming. Although.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and a picture, a picture of her.

[Adam Carolla]

She has a sad picture in the bathroom with no makeup.

[Allison Rosen]

She heard the this, she went and took it.

[Adam Carolla]

She must have won a ticket.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow, okay.

[Joe Koy]

Did they charge Slender man, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

He doesn't exist.

[Adam Carolla]

This whole thing of just like she doesn't exist. Yeah, this thing of like trying you as an adult, it's just based on the crime. Like they do that all the time. And they go, well, we know you're psycho, but what you did was so heinous that we're gonna charge you as an adult.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, seems kind of weird trying to get it changed. The two girls were charged as adults with attempted first degree murder. If convicted, they could face a up to 65 years in prison. If the case is moved to a juvenile court, they could serve time in a juvenile facility until they're 25 years old. They're each being held on $500,000 bail. So one of them said that she regrets what they did. She said, the bad part of me wanted her to die. The good part of me Wanted her to live. That's not chilling at all. Then the other one said it was weird that I didn't feel remorse. Remorse, but also said that the stabbing was wrong. Apparently the girls did have a little fight between them over who would do the stabbing because one of them was too squeamish to go through with it and said that she had a nervous breakdown. But this was their. This was their friend, by the way. The friend spent the night, and then in the morning they played hide and go seek. And then she went into the woods. And by the way, let's get rid of all the woods because nothing good happens in them.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that, I've seen a wood. Enough of those reality shows about logging and ice road trucking. Nothing good happens there either. So let's just get all those trees out of there and save a lot of lives.

[Allison Rosen]

Raise the earth.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Just burn it. Burn it to the ground.

[Allison Rosen]

It's so. I mean, I did Dr. Drew's show.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

Somewhat recently.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta save the Black Forest, because that's where the ham comes from.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Joe Koy]

That's some delicious ham.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's not burn up the Black Forest. We need the Black Forest.

[Joe Koy]

Hamilton.

[Adam Carolla]

The pigs they raise in that forest.

[Giovanni]

It'S not through the Black Forest ham.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a black one. Yeah, I'm sure they come out of Wisconsin. But either way, the Black Forest ham. That's the one forest we'll keep. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Dr. Greg, is that forest in Bavaria?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that's where we'll keep it. Yeah. So I did that show and we were talking about some two fourth graders, one who was nine, one who was 12. So someone got held back a lot who had put rat poison in their teacher's water. And it was unclear whether they were trying to kill her or just it was a prank or whatever. But there's. What do you do with people who are 12 or younger who do these things that are so completely, so sad?

[Joe Koy]

I disown them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like disowning is not enough.

[Joe Koy]

Bye, son. I didn't like you anyways.

[Adam Carolla]

Christmas is off.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah. Go to your real dad, Slender Man.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I just really wonder, what are the chances that someone who does something like this at that age turns out to be a, you know, a. Okay human being later on?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think. And we're having a lot of human afterwards.

[Joe Koy]

Is that what you're.

[Allison Rosen]

Human being?

[Adam Carolla]

A. Okay. That's impossible.

[Joe Koy]

There's nothing. It's done.

[Allison Rosen]

But you think that you. So you think this is like a Just. We're just catching young Jeffrey Dahmers.

[Joe Koy]

It's done. You have a crazy fucking kid that stabs somebody in the forest at the age of 12. You're fucking done. There's no way of fixing this or anything. There's no way therapy that can help. If my son did that, I give it to the authorities and go, all right, I'll try again. I fucked up on this one. I was drunk that night. I was in the forest when I fucked his mommy.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with our guest. The first thing we need to do, I think, as a society is we don't really realize the things. We can't separate the twos and threes from the nines and the tens. You know, I mean, like, we really. Donald Sterling was hated much more than OJ and hated much more than. Oh, shit, what's his name in the Bay Area that killed his wife and threw her in the Bay. What the hell's her name? Peter Peterson. Scott Peterson, Guys like that. The first thing we have to do is realize there's a big difference between people who take other people's lives and people that say shitty things like, let's not turn everyone into the same thing. We need to separate out out the people.

[Allison Rosen]

We have the same reaction. We make everything nines and tens, right?

[Adam Carolla]

My feeling at first and foremost is like, what physical harm did you bring to the other person? Could you bring it to my family? What do my kids have to fear from you? Like, first order of business, the difference between the person that gets drunk and hits somebody in the rain when they're driving home versus the person that walks into the school or walks into the workplace and starts shooting people point blank. Just massively, massive, massive difference in the way they're wired. Because the reality is many of these things, whether it's Justin Bieber and his offensive joke or vehicular manslaughter, driving home in a rainstorm when you had a few too many to drink at a company Christmas party. It's possible that that could have happened to almost any of us at any given time in our youth and any given time in our career. But what is impossible is that we stab a friend of ours 19 times. Unless they're asking.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So, I mean, with this thing.

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the way they sleep. But it's just such a way. That's so annoying.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I am physically incapable of stabbing somebody.

[Joe Koy]

Stab can be an accident.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Number 18 and 19, you meant to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do that shit, right? First is you running, going, I just got a new knife. You Got to check this out, Trip, right? Yeah.

[Joe Koy]

Liver.

[Adam Carolla]

Who put that banana peel on top of the skateboard? But you're right 2 through 19. And then so Joe's also right, which is when you think that's a good idea. Like you just think about you at age 12, or Dr. Drew's kids at age 12, or Joe's kid when he gets to 12, or my kid's at age 12. There wouldn't physically be. It would not be. They could sooner dunk a basketball at age 12 than stab somebody 18 times. It's physically an impossibility for them to just go one on one with LeBron and jam the ball on them and it's going to be that impossible for them to pick up a knife.

[Allison Rosen]

Such antisocial behavior.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

The vast majority of people couldn't do it of any age.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And that's why when you hear, like when I hear about the stories of the hazing and making fun of and what went on at the football camp and all that kind of shit I got, I go, well, fuck, I could have done that. And so could half the guys I went to high school with. But when you hear the story about the kicking the guy in the head until he's dead against the side of the concrete curb, you're like, I couldn't just keep kicking a lifeless corpse or body on the ground. Especially when the curb was what was stopping the person's head. And yet there are people that are capable of doing that. And when you're capable of doing that, you're capable of doing anything like. And that's the problem. So you got a couple of 12 year olds that have a switch that can be turned on. And when that switch is turned on, they start stabbing.

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't have that switch. It's not like. Well, it really take you to a certain point before that switch got thrown in you. You do not possess that switch. They possess the switch. So they're sort of like a wild animal. Animal that attacked its trainer viciously and killed it. Now what do you do with the animal? Cuz you can go, well, he's nice most of the time, right? Until he's not nice.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing is that, you know, I've talked before like I don't believe in capital punishment. And yet weirdly, I'm not gonna say that I think put these 12 year olds down. But I feel like to me this is such a big.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, don't put them up.

[Allison Rosen]

This is such a big question of what do you do with 12 year olds who I mean, no, but. Or so do they spend the rest of their life in prison? Because I feel like there really is a danger of them being out, out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's, you know, first off, there's plenty of people go to prison and kill other people inside the prison too. I mean, you could be there because you were selling some tabs of acid at a fish concert. Sorry for spinning on you with Fish. And then you get 5 years cuz you got the wrong judge and one of these cunts stabs you in the fucking shower like you. You got. There's that part. There's the killing that goes on inside the prison. I don't know. I don't. To me, this is. Let's get the lobotomy going. Like there's a part of that brain that ain't right.

[Bald Brian]

But Adam, you sure they could use.

[Allison Rosen]

Drugs, do the same thing.

[Joe Koy]

We do have that switch. We just know how to control that switch. Because you do have that switch. Because if someone came and attacked your family, you would turn that switch on.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say you were going to kill Mom. I would not.

[Joe Koy]

You wouldn't negotiate.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I'd try to tell a few jokes. No, I. I would do what it.

[Joe Koy]

Took, but you get what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

To subdue the person and then I would move it on.

[Allison Rosen]

But that, but that, I think, is actually a different thing. The survival, the doing something out of. Survival versus sadistic snuffing out another life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The people are two different things and.

[Adam Carolla]

They just go, I just saw red and I couldn't stop stabbing and all. And speaking of the joint, by the way, someone tweeted me this a few weeks back, but Vandersloot, he got married inside the joint.

[Giovanni]

Good for him.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't he keep doing that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying.

[Joe Koy]

Where was the bachelor party?

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's the yard.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, the yard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. Yeah, it was in a handball court. That's why I want those guys put down. Because Natalie Holloway's parents have to wake up, up two weekends ago, turn on the news and go, hey, the guy who killed your kid is getting married now. Your kid who was out celebrating her senior trip, who was five years ago or seven years ago or whatever it was, your kid, ironically, would be getting married about now, except for your kid didn't see their 19th birthday. The guy who killed them and then went and killed somebody else probably is going to get married from inside the joint. That's why I like the death penalty.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah. And I'm with you. On that.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, thank you. So, unhappy or non stabbing news, there's.

[Allison Rosen]

A product coming to market up in Washington. It's a cold brewed cannabis infused coffee. So it's coffee with marijuana in it called lemon, going to hit the market in early July. The manufacturer is referring to it as a wake and bake drink. It's an alert, creative high. And each bottle contains about 20 milligrams of THC. So they compare the experience to something it's like similar to having a nice IPA or glass of wine. We don't want to pack so much THC into every one of our drinks that it's unpleasant, especially for people that are just getting into marijuana. And the company also has made sparkling cherry, lemon, ginger and pomegranate juices fortified with cannabis extract. I have a question though. When you eat pot, how long does it take to.

[Joe Koy]

Not that long. Hit you to go crawl underneath the coffee table.

[Adam Carolla]

It hits you pretty fast. And that's the whole problem. The pot high when you eat pot is like you're climbing onto a train and the conductor turns around and you go, excuse me, how long is this train ride? And he starts laughing as his face melts and goes, could be an hour, could be 17 hours. And then he laughs.

[Allison Rosen]

That's fun.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's, that's the problem. The problem is it's like when you smoke, when you smoke the weed, you kind of instant. Yeah. But you can also kind of gauge it. Like you can go like, I'm not going to feel the way I feel right now. Now three hours.

[Joe Koy]

When you smoke weed you can go, I don't want to get too high and control it. But with the cookie, you're done. If I eat this whole thing, I'm underneath the coffee table.

[Allison Rosen]

But still like approximately how long after you eat it does it?

[Joe Koy]

Oh, it's right away.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? I thought it took like 40 minutes. That's what I remember hearing from back in the day.

[Adam Carolla]

Mushrooms was sort of that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I'm wondering with this coffee pot drink, if it takes a lag time.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet it's on. I think it's a good idea where you measure it out because I can remember like taking mushrooms and going, look, we don't want to take too much and end up in 5000, 150 in some psych ward. On the other hand, let's not be hasty and not hallucinate. We don't want to really fuck up and not get super high. We don't make that dangerous mistake of not seeing our fucking hand Melt in front of us.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you guys had a bad experience on mushrooms? I've never done them, but I hear from people who. Who speaks so highly of them.

[Adam Carolla]

The bad experience you can have on mushrooms is being around the person that's having a bad experience on mushrooms. I got high on mushrooms once, and my buddy Ray came over high on coke, and those two high oil and vinegar, classic combo fucking do not mix at all. And. And then his girlfriend called me into the bathroom for one of those coke conversations, except for I was in mushroom conversation mode and she shut the door and she's, like, licking her lips and she's got the dry mouth. She's like, I know you don't like me, and I know the way you feel about me, but I want you to know we both care about Ray and we both want. We both love Ray, and I love you. And I know you don't like me because you feel like I'm taking Ray away from you. And I was like, I love everybody. I love everybody. I love this fucking sink. I love the toilet. Like, I love everyone. I don't have any problem with you. I know the way you feel. I can feel it when I'm around you, and I can feel the tension. And I know Ray's your friend, but you have to understand, I'm like. And now Ray starts banging on the door because he's high, too, and he's like, what's going on in there? And she's like, ray, hey, leave us alone. We're talking. And she's like, get. He's like, screaming. And I'm like, just let her. We should just leave. We should leave the bathroom now, because I'm super high on mushrooms, and I was having a great time. High on mushrooms, staring at an aquarium. And now you're super coked up, and we're having this super serious coke conversation in the bathroom.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So there should be.

[Joe Koy]

Your face gonna melt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wanted. I was having a mushroom experience one time. I got high on mushrooms, and I wasn't feeling anything, but I was with a chick who was kind of freaking out, and I was riding a motorcycle at the time, and I was like, you know what?

[Joe Koy]

You're riding a motorcycle on mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I was like, you're an idiot.

[Joe Koy]

You're an idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

I was an idiot.

[Joe Koy]

Are you kidding me? Hey, you're not dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Not yet.

[Joe Koy]

You should be dead.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I rode. I rode my motorcycle.

[Joe Koy]

I can't believe you did that.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't one of my smartest friends.

[Joe Koy]

And I just Found out you're the biggest idiot out of all my.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't getting off on. On the mushrooms. Like, I should have just shit melting.

[Joe Koy]

Around you while you drive on your motorcycle.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't happening. Like, I could feel myself. I was high, but I wasn't that. I should have a psa. Or at least when it comes time to get the kids their learner's permit, I should really sit down and go. Now, kids, just because your dad rode a Honda 404 when he was eating a. Psilocybic mushrooms. Psilocybin. Whatever. Look, point is, by the way, don't use nutty peanut butter when you eat them. Use smooth, because you'll be chewing.

[Giovanni]

Please stay on my.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Giovanni]

Please stay on the script.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Drinking and driving is no joke. And neither is eating mushrooms or riding a motorcycle. Let me scat a little, if you don't mind. This bitch was freaking out on me, so I was like, I'm getting on my motorcycle and going to another one. My friend's house who's not high on mushrooms. And, you know, I wouldn't say it was raining. It was just a light drizzle. And I was wearing a helmet, not full face. And either way, it wasn't a very long ride to my other friend's house.

[Giovanni]

I think we got enough. This particular psa.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we got enough. I'd like to add a little more.

[Giovanni]

Keep going. We'll just turn the lights out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You left her at your house.

[Joe Koy]

You know what that PSA just told.

[Adam Carolla]

The kids, not someone else's house. Yes.

[Joe Koy]

Not to use chunky peanut butter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Joe Koy]

You can't tell these kids anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't use chunky on the mushrooms. You'll chew. Yeah, you have to. You have to work the. You have to work the right amount of mushrooms to getting high.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, this was before you'd had any success in life, Right. That you did this and rode a motorcycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Allay Joe's freaking out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen, if I had gotten to a bad motorcycle accident that night, I would have saved myself in my mind at that point from a life of picking up garbage on a construction site. So if I could have just got disability or something, that would have been awesome for me at that point.

[Allison Rosen]

And also all the stuff that Ray's girlfriend was saying. Did you actually have any of those feelings about her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was one of those. I mean, it was one of those things where he got a new girlfriend and we never saw him again because he got a new girlfriend. It was smoking Hot. And that was the last we're gonna see of him. But that was okay. I mean, we all kind of understood it. All the guys sort of went through that phase. This was more of her to just high on coke and spitting it out on me. And again, locked in the bathroom and all that. Plus being locked in the bathroom with a super hot chick and then just getting kind of spit on or getting yelled at. Not something we all relish. Ah, boxed dot com. I love this. I love these guys. So you go to Costco, you go to Sam's Club. It's frustrating. You got the long lines, you got the giant carts banging. Indie try to find the parking space. It's a huge time waster. Now there's boxed.com. you do all your wholesale shopping on your mobile device, Brian. Is that sunk in? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no membership fees, free shipping for orders over 60 bucks. But they're all going to be over 60 bucks. You go in big box, hundreds of products and they're all similar to the Costco and the Sam's Club and all. But you don't have to go deal with the parking lot. And what about the lines?

[Giovanni]

It's a good deal in that place is mitigated by the lines and the parking.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to buy. Also, you're going to buy that metric ton of toilet paper. You don't need to be seen in public. They deliver it right to your door. That's right. Save time, save gas and membership fees with boxed wholesale big box club in your pocket. Just go on your mobile device and visit boxed.com today. That's boxed.com today. All right, let's do another story, shall we?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, but. Yeah, I just. So I just found the V. Stiviano update. It's kind of what we already knew. Still no what we already knew from what Gary told us. But we have a name. According to cops, the suspect is Dominic di Orio, a 40 year old from Long island. And he's been charged with third degree assault as a hate crime and harassment. As for the second suspect, NYPD says its investigation is ongoing.

[Joe Koy]

What is third degree?

[Harley Mornstein]

What is the.

[Giovanni]

I was gonna say the degrees. Like murder in the first degree is the worst kind, but I think fifth degree burns is the worst kind. So what? The degrees go all different directions.

[Allison Rosen]

We need to go Baldwin scale on these.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Mm. Yeah, it's sort of like gauge in gauge. The lower the number, the bigger the wire.

[Allison Rosen]

We're looking at a photo of the guy who was Arrested Dominic d' Oria.

[Adam Carolla]

But what does third degree mean? Because I honestly think that.

[Joe Koy]

No bruising.

[Adam Carolla]

If you were like. If I was. Let's put it to you this way. I used to have a football coach who, if he started getting pissed at you, would reach for his tobacco, his chew, and they're like, get that fu. And he'd throw it at you. And I think that would be third degree assault these days, right?

[Joe Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It was always funny because the guy spitting, well, he'd reach in and grab his dip and just chuck it at you.

[Giovanni]

Then he grabbed my face mask and yanked me all around the field.

[Adam Carolla]

It was funny because you'd see coach.

[Giovanni]

Used to do was assault.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was like a. It was like an old school, old time Western gunslinger. Like when you see him undo the strap on his holster. Like when you'd see him talking, he'd be like, you got to get in there. You got to pick up that middle linebacker and you got to clog that hole, God damn it. Corolla. And see him start reaching like you start reaching first mouth. As he was talking reflexively. Like when he got pissed off, you'd see him going first jaw to chuck at you. Third string. Third string. Third degree assault must. Like, if you were walking down the sidewalk and I pushed you in the back, that'd probably be third. Third degree.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Assault might commonly be understood as beating up somebody, but it can be triggered by intentionally inflicting relatively modest physical injury on someone in order to make out a crime in New York, the level of physical injury does not have to meet a threshold level, but that level. Sorry, the level of physical injury does have to meet a threshold level, but that level is not enormous.

[Adam Carolla]

But third degree.

[Allison Rosen]

That's third degree.

[Adam Carolla]

They mean next to nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Generally a defense of self defense or justification is available to someone who otherwise committed the crime of assault. Yeah. So the person who committed assault could say is self defense. So he showed his own defense. Or in the defense of another, or in certain cases, in the defense of property.

[Adam Carolla]

He started yelling something at her and probably pushed her or something like that, but he didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what it sounds like.

[Adam Carolla]

Attacker.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what it sounds like. Okay, so here's a story that involves someone that you like or someone that was involved in something that you like. Adrian Grenier, apparently, according to Courtney Robertson. Now, I don't know if you know who this is. She was on the Bachelor. She has a book coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, did you watch this Season with the guy he looks a little bit like a mole rat. He's very wet looking. Yeah, she was book. I didn't come here to make friends. Confessions of a Reality Show Villain. Feel like, hey, that's Omarosa's terrain. But anyway, she said, that's what I.

[Adam Carolla]

Wrote down one moment ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Omarosa, not Vandersloot. That's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wrote Omarosa down less than 80 seconds ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, were those two different notes that I just smushed together?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just wrote Omarosa, not Vandersloot. I don't know why I wrote not Vandersloot, but I wrote Omarosa just. I just wrote it down. I wrote it down on a piece of copy.

[Joe Koy]

Are you doing magic right now?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing magic. I'm doing magic.

[Joe Koy]

That's pretty amazing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Why did you write that down?

[Joe Koy]

Is this your number?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I just started thinking about the sort of horrible people that put themselves out to be horrible people. Like they. That they're pro wrestlers. But we don't know. Like, it's so funny because we know when the Iron Sheik would go out there and he'd go, see America, I take its flag and I wipe my ass with it. And everyone would go, ooh, boo. You know, it's like for 13 year old boys, but then Omarosa pops up or V. Stiviano and we get sucked in. But same purpose, same purpose. But I just wrote Omarosa down right before you said Omarosa Crazy. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But anyway. Anyway, she dishes about the men in Hollywood that she's slept with or that she's been with.

[Joe Koy]

They must be keepers, too, all of them.

[Allison Rosen]

So she's about Adrian Grenier, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I just say this? Could you imagine this if, like, explaining this to, you know, folks that got off the Mayflower? Like, she's gathering people around to explain to them what a whore she is. Yes. She's written it down on parchment. Yes.

[Giovanni]

And it's a reality show. Some kind of burlesque performance.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm just saying, like, for the first 2,000 years, women were denying everything. Like, what? No, I didn't sleep.

[Allison Rosen]

So they'll be stoning her or they'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Be, no, no, she's getting a book deal and a show on own.

[Allison Rosen]

She's quite a harlot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what I'm saying is it's a weird thing. Like, it's one thing to say, basically, you tell a story where you go, here's what happened, and it makes this person look bad, but then I look good. But when you're Sort of. Basically with that, we're having tons of meaningless sex with tons of guys.

[Allison Rosen]

She said that she could count on three hands the number of men she slept with.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see her. So what did she say about Adrian? I hope it's all good.

[Allison Rosen]

He had the biggest penis I'd ever seen and the biggest bush.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

I didn't see that coming.

[Joe Koy]

You have to have a big penis if you have a big bush.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That's a bad combo.

[Joe Koy]

The other way around, bad combo.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Cause its perspective's all off.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Shrubbery looks further away than it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I always say this if the grass gets too high around the mailbox.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The stick looks short. You know, you gotta get in there.

[Allison Rosen]

And so given that he had a big bush and a big penis, he must have really had a big penis.

[Adam Carolla]

The big bush part you notice sort of when you look at his hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Makes sense, but the big penis part's a surprise.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Let me explain how that conversation went with Grenier when somebody contacted him and said, you know, you were banging from that reality show.

[Giovanni]

She's her again.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Anyway, you be the other one.

[Giovanni]

Hey, so remember that girl you.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Giovanni]

You knew from the reality show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that whore.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, that tramp. She's coming out with a book.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, great.

[Giovanni]

Tell all.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, you're named. Oh, she's talking about me in our personal life.

[Giovanni]

You said you guys were intimate.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it. God damn it. Should have hired a drifter to kill her.

[Giovanni]

She revealed some personal detail.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. This is. I'm in a new relationship now. So fucking. Oh, fuck. This is humiliating. I can't stand her.

[Giovanni]

I want a fucking killer massive dong.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, those edible, arrangeable things. Can we send one over to her, please?

[Giovanni]

And drop it on her head and kill her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, she's a deer.

[Giovanni]

But she went on and on about your huge penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right. Let's not live in the past. Well, you know, obviously, I open a couple. Look, we're all God's creatures. Let's just get some of those Snooki's cookies, the one that comes with the milk, and I like it in the glass jar. Send it over to her place. That's all. Send one over to publicist as well. All right. And by the way, when the book comes out, let's make sure it's front and center at the airport, you know, not tucked in the back with the diet books.

[Allison Rosen]

She said that they never actually had Sex. But whatever they did, they couldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

What did he do with his dad?

[Allison Rosen]

But she just. She saw him naked, I guess. I don't know.

[Joe Koy]

I don't know what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Naked and aroused. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You can see someone naked without having sex with them. I mean, one person probably disappointed. But wait, you've never been naked with a woman that you haven't had sex with?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

My fiance, Daniel.

[Joe Koy]

I guess you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, no, wait a minute. Well, hold on a second. You cannot judge the penis size unless it's fully engorged.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like my grandfather's license plate frame to say. So you need to have a boner.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you need to be naked with a boner with the person.

[Joe Koy]

And when you have this boner, please use creamy peanut butter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not chunky.

[Joe Koy]

She'll just be chewing the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, she probably is the cause of the boner. It'd be weird to take your boner over to someone else's tent. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

It's rude, if nothing else.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So. So you and her did something that got you a boner?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What I'm saying is that something might not have been actual gigantic penis in her vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on. The way you said it, it's gotta be a blowjob.

[Joe Koy]

The way Allison said it means that you've done that before. That you've been naked with somebody and didn't have sex with them.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure. Yeah. Yes, I'm sure I have. I'm a tease. Just kidding. No, I'm just saying, back in the day of dating and, you know, the early days, there was lots of making out that didn't lead to sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But here's me point.

[Joe Koy]

Fully naked, you're not making up?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Joe Koy]

Not when your penis is showing.

[Adam Carolla]

Once the penis is. Once the penis is out, it's on.

[Joe Koy]

It's on.

[Adam Carolla]

And if it's in. No, here's what could be happening. Could be oral sex. Could be some hand action, which, by the way, is going to be considered quaint when our kids get to high school. That's going to be like knitting a toaster cozy or something like. Oh, it's just a hand job. That's so cute. I remember those. Yeah. Hand job.

[Allison Rosen]

See, this is actually reminding me back in the day that I feel like the majority of guys understood that sex was not absolutely or necessarily going to be happening, even if you were making out. But then there was this, like, strain of Guy you'd meet that seemed archaic. Is the wrong word.

[Adam Carolla]

But called rapists.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Where it's like, oh, no, if the jeans come off, sex is happening. But that was not the general pervasive attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but if she saw his tumescent penis, then she caused the tumescences and she was doing something.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. No, she's not saying they weren't. Weren't an item or anything. She just says that they never had.

[Adam Carolla]

Just get to how big Piven's cock is. The whole cast not gonna go through.

[Allison Rosen]

You would buy that book. Penis sizes of the Entourage cast.

[Giovanni]

He's called Turtle for a reason.

[Adam Carolla]

She name any other names?

[Allison Rosen]

Jesse Metcalf. Let's see what she says.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesse Mc. He was on Desperate Housewives. I think he was a garden.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he was on Dallas. Just that she dated him, I think, shortly before he went to rehab.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Jesse was, by his own admission, an alcoholic and an addict. He would disappear for days at a time.

[Joe Koy]

I hate reality stars. Like, I had one come to my show one time and waited in the line, right? The meet and greet comes up to me. He says his name. I forget the guy's name. It was somewhere in, like, Kansas City or something like that. He's like, hey, man, blah, blah, blah, John, blah, blah. And he gave me that look. What's up, Jo Koy, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Joe Koy]

Hey, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you both are.

[Joe Koy]

And then he goes like this. He goes, real World, Season 12. What the. What the fuck? Who watches that? Like, he just assumed that the whole world watches this show.

[Adam Carolla]

We're at a very interesting place in our society, which is Guys Forever. However, women do a version of it, guys do a version of it, humans do a version of it, where you just go out and engage in some behavior, and it's understood that this will never be shared with the world because you will be coming down with me. So we can have our little affair and we can do whatever we're going to do, but the word will never get out. And my wife will never hear about this, or your husband will never hear about this because you will have something to lose. Right? Right. It was mutually assured destruction. It's like what we had with the Soviets. And now I just feel like it's game on. Like, as a celebrity, the biggest fucking perk to being a celebrity is fucking strangers. I mean, that's why these guys.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why I got into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's why these guys do it. And politicians.

[Joe Koy]

That's all we talked about in Vegas when We were out there, that's all. She's like, stranger. I feel in this line.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, you know what the answer is now? Nobody. Can you imagine, first off, how fast would the Kennedys have gotten out of politics? Yeah, we wouldn't have known about them. They'd still be alive today, all the Kennedys.

[Allison Rosen]

It would have worked out better for them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would have given a big speech in like, 1931 and said, look, any of you think about going into politics, no fucking strangers. I'm out. We wouldn't know Bill Clinton either. I think there's half these celebrities, half the politicians, the big allure, like, they say that all the time. They go, well, you know, you don't get paid anything. And then half the country hates you. And then you always gotta run around like someone's gonna try to shoot you.

[Joe Koy]

I love pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

But there is a fucking intern at the end of the highway for you. If you can make it back safely from that convertible ride, you can fuck a 19 year old in your swimming pool. That's indoors now. You're fucked.

[Joe Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, especially as a politician, you have to stay with the same woman for 51 years and pretend like you're more in love now than you were when you met when you were 17. So you have to keep the same wife because no one's gonna get divorced. You're not gonna get the vote. But it was understood that you got to fuck around a lot on the side. There's no fucking around anymore because you're just gonna be a book, there's gonna be an Instagram, there's gonna be a tweet, there's gonna be a selfie, there's gonna be gonna be. Do you think that, you know, if Justin Bieber was in a committed relationship that he could then go on the road and go on tour and do. Yes. No time in memoriam. What I'm saying is his bans. When every guy in fucking Leonard Skynyrd went on the road. I should pick a better road ban. The point is this.

[Giovanni]

Our friends at Cheap Trick, Paddy, Holly and the Crickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Big Bopper, all those guys, Jim Croce, all of them knew.

[Giovanni]

No, Steve Ray Vaughn in double trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All I'm saying is I think only Vaughn is in the helicopter. All I'm saying is these guys would all kiss their wives goodbye because they're all fucking married. And then they'd go get in a tour bus and they'd open some Jack Daniels. They go, we're gonna go on A six month fuckfest through the us, Europe and parts of Asia. And then they would come back and they'd kiss their wives again. There is no. I'm sure every big ban did that. There's no fucking way that, you know, Led Zeppelin could. Jimmy Page could roll into town now or the equivalent of and just fuck some chick in Indiana. Or get blown in the bus after the thing without it getting back to his fucking wife, wherever she was, was before he got back to the hotel room. Yeah, it's impossible. I'm saying, what use is it? That's why, by the way, that's why the music sucks now. These fucking kids aren't getting fucked anymore. They don't want to tour. Our politicians stink. They're much better. Our politicians were.

[Bald Brian]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all gone. It's all over. It's all a waste of time.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen.

[Joe Koy]

Dip a cunt, go to your real dad. Slender Man. That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, my book, present me out there as we speak. Let's see if we can keep it on the New York Times bestseller list for one more week. I want to thank Mike Leach, coach, for coming in and coming on the blower. Geronimo Leadership Strategies of an American Warrior. And you get that through Amazon and you know what to do in a coercion. Jocoy podcast. Yo and Joe show. New episodes available every Tuesday on iTunes. JoeCoi.com JoeCoi.com that's where you go to see one of the best comedians, Adam. Can you spell it for live j o k-o y.com show I'm a tease. JoeCoi.com and you can find out where he's going to be when he's gonna be. The Ontario Improv. Also Columbus Funny Bone. Coming up at all the different dates for the great Joe Coy.

[Joe Koy]

I love you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Love you, baby. So until next time, Sam Kroll from Mike Leach. Joe Coy, Alison Rosenbal Bryant saying mahalo.

[Harley Mornstein]

Oh, no.

[Allison Rosen]

If the jeans come off, sex is happening.

[Giovanni]

All right, this adam Coelh Show, 1339 that does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, follow and get on.