Henry Bushkin + Mark Ellis (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show Classics: Henry Bushkin + Mark Ellis (October 25, 2025)

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Overview

In this "Carolla Classics" episode, host Adam Carolla revisits two fan-favorite segments: an in-depth interview with Henry Bushkin, Johnny Carson’s former lawyer and confidant, and a lively discussion with movie critic Mark Ellis from Schmoes Know. The show maintains its signature blend of unfiltered comedy, reflective storytelling, pop culture analysis, and free-wheeling banter. Topics range from the intricacies of themed Halloween parties and parenting quirks to behind-the-scenes stories about Johnny Carson, heated discourse on religion and terrorism, and the summer’s hottest movies. The tone is candid, irreverent, and full of the off-the-cuff riffs Carolla is known for.

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Main Segments & Key Moments

1. “Too Soon” Halloween Party & Family Tales

[00:45 – 18:45]

• Adam’s Weekend: Adam shares the absurdity of missing a themed Halloween party ("Too Soon") due to work obligations, sparking a classic marital miscommunication with his wife Lynette over the party's theme—was it dressing as people who died too soon, or those it's “too soon” to joke about?
  • “No, that's too soon! This is too soon.” – Adam ([04:27])
• Dark Costume Jokes: The crew riffs on potential tasteless costumes (Ariel Castro, Martha Moxley).
• Parenting Anecdotes: Adam reflects on a small but funny moment when his daughter Natalia tells her brother Sonny, “Hey, you don’t have to smile. You’re wearing a mask, dumb shit.” ([12:24]) He laughs, realizing his daughter picked up on his own practical, sometimes sarcastic worldview.
• Consumer Culture Observations: Adam lampoons children’s commercials promising “a whole new world,” questioning why toddlers need fantasy when the real world is already brand new to them.
  • “When you’re three, everything is brand new... I could lock them in the pantry and it would be a whole new world.” – Adam ([14:25])

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2. Pop Culture and Religion: The Bill Maher Rant

[18:35 – 33:40]

• Bill Maher Applause: Adam praises Bill Maher’s candor on Real Time, especially his refusal to tiptoe around tough topics like Islamic extremism.
  • “He believes what he’s saying, and then he says it.” – Adam ([19:34])
• Hypocrisy in Arguments: Adam is frustrated by liberal panelists who deflect from Maher’s central point about disproportionate violence in the Muslim world by bringing up unrelated or rare examples from other religions.
  • “One is herpes and one is cancer.” – Adam on comparing Christian vs. Islamic extremism ([26:07])
• Struggle for Focused Debate: The group notes that the need to highlight “exceptions to the rule” prevents meaningful progress on societal issues.
  • “No one ever moves the ball anywhere, just sits there bobbing around.” – Allison Rosen ([30:48])
• Sharp Moments:
  • Carolla’s satirical take: “Here rape is a crime, there it’s a punishment.” ([31:17])
  • Michael Moore’s U.S. rape stats—Adam and Allison challenge his side-stepping of the point ([31:33]).

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3. Weird News, Listener Calls, and Controversies

[33:53 – 54:45]

• Animal Rights and Hunting: Adam takes a call debating the logic of auctioning a rhino hunt to save the species, dissecting the practical vs. emotional arguments around conservation.
  • “If you can shoot that one rhino, make enough money to save 10 rhinos, that’s good.” – Adam ([41:38])
• App-based Rideshares: Discussion on the then-emerging rideshare apps, comparing getting in a stranger’s car to third-world taxi experiences.
• Movie Reviews (“Baldywood”)
  • Brian reviews “12 Years a Slave,” praising performances and candidly acknowledging its tough-to-watch brilliance.
  • Adam muses, “The Corollas have never owned anything, especially themselves!” ([51:32]) in a discussion about collective historical guilt.
  • Brian gives a “highly recommended” for “The Cabin in the Woods” as a Halloween stream.

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4. The Johnny Carson Insider: Interview with Henry Bushkin

[56:34 – 84:14]

Bushkin’s Role & Johnny’s Persona

• "Fixer" Explained: Henry Bushkin describes being Carson’s “entourage of one”—his lawyer, confidant, and crisis-handler, responsible for any issue that arose.
  • “Johnny didn’t have a manager, didn’t have an agent. He had a lawyer. So I was his one guy.” – Bushkin ([56:40])
• Carson’s Complexity: Carson was described as “complex, complicated...much more comfortable on air than off the air.” ([57:05])
• The Legendary Ratings: They discuss the massive nightly viewership Carson commanded, a level impossible in the fragmented media landscape of today.

Affairs, Divorce, and Bushkin’s Start

• The Infamous Break-In: Bushkin details his first big job—accompanying Carson to break into his wife’s suspected love nest, which indeed showed evidence of infidelity with Frank Gifford.
  • “That’s how I got hired...I was there to prevent an arrest, I suppose.” – Bushkin ([58:07], [61:49])
  • “He never spoke to her again, ever.” – Bushkin ([65:59]) on Carson’s finality post-divorce.

Industry Nuggets

• Carson’s Process: Carson was “actually producing the show,” involved daily in writers’ meetings, combing papers for material ([69:55]).
• Parting with the Tonight Show: Carson’s reluctance to set an end date hampered succession plans.
  • “It was his life. He had no ambition beyond the Tonight Show.” – Bushkin ([71:23])
• Rivalries & Relationships: Carson disliked Rich Little (despite 179 appearances), stopped speaking to Joan Rivers after her Fox deal, but “never envied anyone,” considering only Sinatra his equal.
  • “He just didn't like him. Maybe he thought he was an ass.” – Bushkin ([73:18])
• Financials: At his peak, Carson made “25 million a year” for a three-day workweek ([77:34]).

Carson’s Final Years

• Alone at the Top: Despite wealth and success, Carson “died alone”—a poignant reminder of the personal costs of such fame.
  • “He died worth $500 million, and he died alone. So that has to tell you something.” – Bushkin ([84:14])

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5. Movies, Nerdom, Capes & Cultural Riffs: With Mark Ellis (Schmoes Know)

[86:01 – 144:12]

Pro Celebrity Racing & Adrenaline

• Adam’s Race Recap: He shares the experience of racing in the Toyota Pro Celebrity Grand Prix, including technical challenges and the thrill of victory with his kids.
  • “I went from the clutches of despair to the heights of elation in just about 18 and a half minutes.” – Adam ([130:03])

Movie Reviews

• Oblivion: Both Adam and Mark Ellis dissect this Tom Cruise sci-fi entry, debating how ambitious sci-fi predicts “wildly advanced” futures with zero denim and endless airlocks.
  • “Next movie should be about who stole the denim.” – Adam ([126:05])
• Iron Man 3, Great Gatsby, Man of Steel: Mark previews upcoming blockbusters, noting excitement for “Iron Man 3” and a measured skepticism for “Gatsby.”
  • “Iron Man 3 is the announcement that the summer movie season is here.” – Mark Ellis ([137:15])
• Superman’s Dark Turn: Discussion on Superman films’ trajectory and their need for a moodier, more complex hero.
  • “In 2055, why can’t there be someone trapped in 1989?” – Adam on dystopian future costuming ([126:47])
• Nerd Culture: WonderCon, Pacific Rim, and the rise of wedgies as comic convention “rite of passage” are good-humoredly examined.

Caped Crusaders

• The Case for Capes: Adam and Mark have an extended tangent about why comedian Jeff Ross should wear a cape as his personal brand—only half in jest.

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6. Boston News & Commentary – Marathon Bombing

[163:05 – 181:20]

• Timeline Recap: Allison runs through the events of the Boston Marathon bombing and aftermath—MIT shooting, Watertown manhunt, capture of the suspects.
• On Media, Miranda Rights: The crew is openly skeptical of knee-jerk calls for procedural fairness, pressing that context and common sense should prevail.
  • “Who the fuck cares? Like, we’ll decide what qualifies.” – Adam ([167:15])
• On Survivorship & Justice: Adam voices reluctant satisfaction that the younger suspect survives for interrogation but worries about the inevitable “celebrity” that may follow.
  • “He's a cute kid...Already gonna get a lot of fan mail, a lot of proposals.” – Adam ([178:23])
• Riffing on Law Enforcement: Adam speculates humorously about the amount of ammunition fired during the capture and muses on how the suspect's boat will likely become a tacky casino attraction.
• Emotional Highlight: David Ortiz’s iconic “This is our fucking city” [175:00] moment is played in support as a symbol of civic pride.

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7. Noteworthy Quotes

• Adam Carolla:

  • “When you’re three, everything is brand new...I could lock them in the pantry and it would be a whole new world.” ([14:25])
  • “One is herpes and one is cancer.” (on religious fundamentalism, [26:07])
  • “No Corollas owned anything. Secondly, they weren’t here; they were in Italy.” ([51:32])
  • “If you can shoot that one rhino and make enough money to save 10 rhinos, that’s good.” ([41:38])
  • “He died worth $500 million, and he died alone.” ([84:14])

• Henry Bushkin:

  • “I was his one guy. I was the entourage of one. So whatever problem came about, it fell on my shoulders.” ([56:39])
  • “He never spoke to her again, ever.” ([65:59])

• Allison Rosen:

  • “[About correction] So inefficient.” ([12:24])
  • “No one ever moves the ball anywhere, just sits there bobbing around.” ([30:48])

• Mark Ellis:

  • “Iron Man 3 is the announcement that the summer movie season is here.” ([137:15])
  • “In this one, Lois Lane isn’t ready to take that leap.” ([145:00])

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Timestamps for Noteworthy Segments

• 00:45 – Halloween “Too Soon” Party Story
• 13:55 – Parenting Insight: “Whole new world” rant
• 19:34 – Bill Maher and Religion Debate Begin
• 30:48 – Allison on argument futility
• 33:53 – Animal rights, conservation vs. hunting
• 56:34 – Start of Henry Bushkin / Johnny Carson segment
• 61:49 – The Carson Love Nest Break-In
• 69:55 – Carson’s Pre-Show Process
• 77:34 – Carson’s Salary Details
• 84:14 – Carson Dies Alone
• 86:01 – Pro Celebrity Race Story / Mark Ellis Joins
• 126:05 – “Who Stole the Denim” Movie Joke
• 137:15 – “Iron Man 3 is the announcement...”
• 163:05 – Boston Marathon Bombing Recap & Take
• 175:00 – David Ortiz “This is our fucking city” audio
• 178:22 – Discussion on suspect's future notoriety

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Conclusion

This episode is a classic Adam Carolla blend: deeply personal, brashly comic, and full of ribald wisdom and pointed cultural critique. The Johnny Carson interview offers real insight into the icon’s life, while the movie chatter and Boston news segment round out a show that finds humor and humanity in even the darkest topics. The result is a podcast both hilarious and revealing—essential listening for fans and newbies alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a dedicated podcast feed just for Cruel Classics available through Podcast one.

[Brian Bishop]

Sign up and get access to the commercial free archives. If you'd like to find ad free.

[Adam Carolla]

Archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam Corolla's [e-mail] and if you'd like.

[Adam Carolla]

To request a clip, Please email us classics.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up.

[Brian Bishop]

First we have Adam Carla Show 1194.

[Adam Carolla]

Featuring Henry Bushkin, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. Good day, Allison Rosen. Hello Adam Carolla and bald Brian. He got his head bit off by a fucking tiger.

[Brian Bishop]

A number of people wanted that on Twitter, including Benmay, Topdrop, and by the.

[Allison Rosen]

Way, I'm still unclear how he's doing.

[Adam Carolla]

He got his head bit off by a fucking tiger.

[Allison Rosen]

But I wouldn't ask.

[Adam Carolla]

Pendulet, everybody. All right. I just got back from work. I was in beautiful Tustin catching a contractor on a Sunday afternoon. That leads me into. I went to zero Halloween parties. I worked Friday night till late and then I had to work early Sunday morning. And then I just said, fuck it, I'm taking my kids out to dinner. But it led into one of the most retarded arguments I've had with my wife Lynette in a long time. And good sitcom material. And also just a. As the great Kenny Rogers said, you gotta know when to hold up and when to fold up. And I just folded up on this one.

[Brian Bishop]

But don't touch your money when you're sitting at the table.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Cousin Sal threw a themed Halloween party which was down in a beach city. I had a call time of 8am in deep Tustin this morning and knew George County. Yeah, I was gonna have to be on the road at 7 and I was gonna be a long day of contracting and I wasn't gonna be able to make the party.

[Henry Bushkin]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But Lynette was going to go and the theme was too late meaning folks, too soon. Really? It's like too soon meaning oh, people.

[Allison Rosen]

Who died too soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Too soon to make a joke. Oh, that's why cousin Sal's cousin Sal tasteless costumes can't do the Lindbergh baby. Lindbergh baby would be 117 years old. But you can do the bachelorette who hung herself or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's perfectly tasteless.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I don't listen when people talk, but there is a part of me that sort of gathers the information. And I remember sort of briefly going through this with Cousin Sal, where it was the two. Is it two people who died too soon? No, it's too soon. Like the joke that's made about, like.

[Brian Bishop]

You walked in, Bill going, oh, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when we did Hugh Hefner's roast three weeks after 9 11, and Gilbert Godfrey did 40 minutes on planes flying in a building. Too soon. Too soon. I think you would say to that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do all the Abe Lincoln jokes you like. But while the bodies are still smoldering and the ashes, back it off. So I said, now, smash cut to Saturday. And I'm not going to the party. I'm taking the kids out to a nice steak joint. I'm going to sit there and have a glass of wine and relax. I've been working my ass off, and all I want to do is sit down and have a steak and a glass of pinot and watch the kids enjoy themselves while Daddy hangs out. But my wife is going. And I say to Lynette, what are you going with? And she says, thinking about Sharon Tate. And I said, no, that's too soon. This is too soon. And she's like, yeah, too soon. I said, no, no, the theme of the party is not people who died too soon. It's too soon to make a joke about the person, right? So she says, no, I think it's too soon, you know. So she goes, I know. I don't know. Then maybe Janis Joplet. No, it's not too soon. It's too soon.

[Brian Bishop]

Wouldn't the deciding factor be that it's Cousin Sal's party and he would do the most inappropriate thing by default, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Wish you were with me. But I said, is that the only.

[Allison Rosen]

Time you've ever felt that way?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only time I've ever thought. I wish Brian was with me. I said, no, it's too soon. Too soon to make a joke. And she said, oh, yeah, I thought, you know, I just don't. She's like me, and she's like a nice, pretty version of me, but she's like, I don't want to make jokes about, you know, poor people, you know. You know, especially. I think she brought up the bachelorette chick. Who hung herself or whatever OD'd or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

No, she hung herself.

[Adam Carolla]

She hung herself, right? 27. Whatever. I don't want to do that. That just feels weird to me. You know, what if we run into the bachelor chick's mom at cousin Sal's party?

[Allison Rosen]

So I wonder what she would be going on.

[Adam Carolla]

She's dressed like the guy lit himself on fire in front of the. Of the White House. So I said, well, listen, this is good news. I got good news for you, baby. Usually being married to this mind causes you nothing but strife because it's basically a weapon that ends up hurting more than it helps. But you're married to a comedic genius, so I'll tell you what. Ariel Castro, That's a good one.

[Allison Rosen]

It's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, the guy just hung himself a month ago. Everyone fucking hated his guts. All you need is a jumpsuit that says Castro on the back of it. We'll put those little stupid glasses on. You can, like, draw on a little goatee, put a shoestring, a shoelace around your neck. You'll be the belle of the ball.

[Allison Rosen]

And erection.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I could provide that. And, you know, he's only been in the ground about a month, so it's new. It's good you don't feel bad about it. The guy had fucking chicks chained to a radiator while he impregnated them for 10 years.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's like it's the perfect tasteless but not tasteless costume. Tasteless, but you don't feel like you're making fun.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the definition of win. Win. So we went about our days, and the kids had the Halloween whatever extravaganza over at the school, and so on and so forth. And then I was driving Sonny home, and Lynette was driving Natalia home. And it was about 6 in the evening, and she was getting ready to go to. And I was getting ready to go out to dinner with the kids, and I called her and she said, yeah, I'm at the costume store. And I said, oh, good, you getting the jumpsuit? And she said, no, no, no, no, no. I said, whoa, what do you got? Then going as Natalie Wood? I said, is that too soon? It's too soon. And she's like, no. I talked to Carrie Simmons. Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons. She's there. She said, natalie Wood's fine. I said, did she got the too soon inflection or she just being a friend, like, she going, oh, Goes Natalie Wood. Like, no one gives a shit. Now, ultimately, nobody does give a shit. I'M just going insane now because I came now she's speaking to someone. She said Kerry's at the party. Kerry said Natalie Wood is fine. I said Natalie wood died in 1979. That's not too soon. That's just too soon. Plus she was probably 41 or whatever. She was 44.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. She wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not even too soon or too soon. I gotta find out. I mean, I don't know. 1979, 43 years. We're in a weird in between the too soon and the too soon that's not being covered by either one of those too soons. Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

You know who would have been good, but no one will get it is Martha Moxley back in the news but was so young.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Take a golf club and like wrap it around her neck like Steve Martin would wear the arrow over the head.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know who that is. Who's Martha Moxley?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, we just talked about it in the news. The Kennedy 15 year old that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she is back in your back in the evening.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So yeah, that would have been a good too soon and too soon.

[Allison Rosen]

So she says she's going to go as Natalie Wood.

[Adam Carolla]

That's when I learned a valuable lesson that has probably taken way too long to creep into my marriage and to my my skull, which is moving on.

[Allison Rosen]

Good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving on.

[Allison Rosen]

But now we're stuck here. So what happened?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know because I took the kids out, had a steak. Natalia used a knife for the first time in her life on Sonny. He'll be missed. She was cutting and sawing away. She had her little steak. She was. It's funny to see them do it the first time. The sort of forks on the wrong side of the part. They're cutting or cutting right down the middle or sort of slapping at it and stuff. But she got the knife going, she had the steak. We had ourselves a nice time out. We came home, put them to bed and had a couple glasses of wine and caved in about 11:30 because I knew I had a 7:30 and off to Tustin. And I have not been home or spoken to anyone since. So we'll find out about the too soon versus the too soon.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I feel like that's on Sal for having a clever, punctuation heavy theme for your Halloween party. And also I feel like somehow I missed the memo that Saturday will be the observance of Halloween.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Which makes me feel like, wow, how off of the social grid am I that the way I learned that everyone went to a Halloween party on Saturday night was from Instagram.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think it happens on, maybe only on Thursday, I don't know, because for some reason you can't. I don't know, Thursday to me means you can't really celebrate Halloween after Halloween.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess not.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know how it works, but either way too soon. I was just home and happy just to get a little rest in before my scenic drive out to Tustin, California this morning. Now, a couple other pieces of funny, interesting information. Ultimately, I think the moral of the story is when chicks go to Halloween events, they don't want to dress like middle aged, semi obese Latin dudes in jumpsuits. They'd rather dress like Natalie Wood.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly. They want to look attractive.

[Adam Carolla]

I think ultimately that's when you toss that coin in terms of historical accuracy versus looking good.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good point. Maybe a Halloween party, but it's still a party.

[Adam Carolla]

Still a party.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, the other couple things I want to bring up, which is funny, and Natalia both got into their outfits. I was instructed to take a picture of them before we left for the school party. They got in their outfits. Natalia was the devil and angel, basically, sort of half, half of each. Very, very apt description of her. Sonny was like ninja, I don't know, ninja, zombie or whatever, but either way had a big old mask in front of his face. So he pulls the mask down, he's in the full gloves and the whole, the whole thing. He's a jumpsuit, the whole Niners. He's covered. He's in the whole thing. She's in her thing. She doesn't have the mask on. I get him lined up and I say, all right, now we're going to take a picture of you guys in your Halloween outfits. They're standing next to each other and I'm going, okay, 1, 2, 3. And Natalia says to Sonny, hey, you don't have to smile. You're wearing a mask. I thought, whoa, that was the first, like, bit of me I saw coming out. Like, nobody cares. You're smiling, you're wearing a mask, dumb shit. I don't know if she knew he was smiling or he just always smiled. I don't know what would be wrong with smiling. But she didn't like the calories burnt on him. Smiling with this mask on.

[Allison Rosen]

So inefficient.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow, that is so you funny, kind of smart, kind of dick.

[Adam Carolla]

And hyper vigilant. And hyper vigilant.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet she could feel that he was smiling. She could just feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably felt it in his shoulders or something. And it was very corrective too, like, hey, you don't have to smile. You got a mask on, dumb shit. That's a great little piece there.

[Henry Bushkin]

Also.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we've talked about this before, but I just want to know. I watched a Speaking of kids, this one I don't think we ever spoke about. But you watch every time I turn on the tv it's on a kids station because the kids were just done watching their shitty kids show. And it's always a commercial. And it's a commercial with three year olds. And the three year olds have a little pony that's pink and it's a little castle. And the voice comes over and it's always a sort of cheerful mom voice going, open up a whole new world of imagination for your child. And I thought, you know, when you're three, everything is brand new. Like I could take you down to the fucking recycling center in Pacoima and that would be a whole new world for you. Every time you fucking look out the window, it's a whole new world. Oh, we could drive around the blocks. A whole new world. I could just put on Discovery Channel for eight seconds. You have nothing on your hard drive. Everything. Why do we have to start with the fucking fairies and the castles and the my Little Ponies when literally just Geraldo Rivera is a whole new world. Scary. But what I mean is it's 40.

[Allison Rosen]

Year olds who need the whole new world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I need some fucking peyote and a pony with a purple tail on it. I need the new world. I'm the one who's fucking burnt out. I know what goes on in Mogadishu and all that shit or whatever it is. I know all the fucking famine, all the strife and all the shit that's going to pollution and the crying Indians. I'm the one who needs a whole new world.

[Brian Bishop]

And the whole new world thing is just a cliche that if you really thought about it, what if someone opened your eyes to a whole new world? There's a parallel universe just through this wormhole. You'd have a fucking mind blown.

[Adam Carolla]

Why start with the fantasy when all I have to do is. I could walk when my kids were three, I could lock them in the pantry and it would be a whole new world for them. Everything. The upstairs bathroom. Whole new world.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You're not tired of the real world yet?

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Sears gardening sheds. A whole new rusty sharp world. Tetanus covered world. All you have to do is put them in a car, take them down to a mall and they're in a whole new world. You don't need the whole new world fantasy part. Everything is like, oh, and Thomas the Tank Engine talks and blah blah, blah. But it's like you don't need that. Seriously. A deck of playing cards or just lunch meat? Just a variety of lunch meat. It's a whole new world.

[Allison Rosen]

Especially when it all comes in one pack with different varieties.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Chubb packed variety of lunch meat is a whole new world. Open the fridge. Whole new world. Open the back door. Open the car door. Trunk.

[Allison Rosen]

Cosmetics.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids have a whole new world. Yeah. And I just thought, why these kids sitting in their living room trying to be swept away. And then how disappointing is life gonna be when this never comes to fruition? The other commercial I saw right after that was a mom enjoying her first cup of coffee in the morning, you know, overlooking some vista. I don't know why people drink. I feel like I drink coffee in some of the worst places on the planet. Like driving a fucking Tustin this morning, driving down the five on the way to Tustin, just through just a bunch of decaying, just. I felt like Charlton Heston. Just omega man. Yeah, an omega man. Just driving around, weeds growing through everywhere, graffiti everywhere, barbed wire on the freeway signs. Fucking zombies. Just a piece of Matthias, your eyes just a piece of shit landscape. And I'm chugging my coffee down just to wake myself up enough to work. But these things really, they're looking at these beautiful vistas. And I just thought, I've never loved a beverage so much where I was willing to two hand it, you know, the woman does the two hand. That means you're deep and flat sleeves.

[Allison Rosen]

That come down to her knuckles.

[Adam Carolla]

Just that two hand move. I've never done that either.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never enjoyed a beverage in a different location for the purpose of doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Or so much that this, like you were now aware there was a God. Because as you looked over 17 mile drive in the peninsula over there, pebble beach, as the sun just started to rise and you just took that two fisted sip of your coffee, just you're savoring it.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, what's the ratio of cups of coffee you've savored like that with the view versus cups of coffee you chug down because you had to get some caffeine before you ran out the door?

[Allison Rosen]

It's zero that I've savored.

[Brian Bishop]

A million to one.

[Adam Carolla]

Easily it's always, you know, we're meeting in the lobby of Harrah's in Atlantic City at 4:45 in the morning. You signed autograph, 12:30, had some guy call you a pussy in the elevator at 1:00 clock because you didn't have fucking tobacco on you. And now I'm down there just zombified. And if I don't get a cup of coffee me, I don't think I can make it to the rental car. Fuck the two fisted, majestic, savory cup of coffee. I hate that too.

[Henry Bushkin]

Hated.

[Allison Rosen]

I do too.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And you know what it also goes with? It goes with like a flowy skirt and you're sitting Indian style under it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. And the chick is always alone. This is her time. This is her time with her. Double handed, by the way. What? Single hand on the cup, unwieldy, gonna fly out, crush it on your forehead like blood going everywhere, like you can't handle a fucking. And what happens when you have a pastry big, that it's like, no, it's not, it's not. It's bigger than normal, but it's, it's not a two hander.

[Brian Bishop]

Does it imply that you're maybe on a vacation where it's a little crisp, it's almost wintertime, but you have two hands.

[Adam Carolla]

But again, what happens when you then get the pastry? Hey, could you help me out? I want to drink some coffee and eat a pastry.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to have an assistant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, pastry valet. Boom. Matt, help me out. I got a donut and I want to drink this super savory cup of coffee while I sit on the ground with my peasant skirt over my knees. Alright, so there was that and that and that. I was watching some Bill Maher and I love me some Bill Maher. Now Bill Maher and I disagree on plenty of political topics, but I like the way Bill Maher approaches things. For the most part, he just goes to them, he goes after them. And he doesn't do this stupid or liar thing. Bill Maher believes what Bill Maher is saying and then he says it. And when other people make their sort of spurious bullshit, nothing points. He doesn't do the. Okay, well you're entitled to your opinion. He just goes, oh, come on, that's bullshit.

[Allison Rosen]

He does call people on stuff and.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that about him. I was watching his show on Friday night and he was talking about Muslim religion and terror and things like that. Valerie Plain was on there and Plain I think it is. Michael Moore, Al Sharpton were both on there. And he was doing what he does, which I agree with, which is he doesn't like religion. He's not a religious person. He's an atheist. Basically, all the places I come down, although I don't. My thing is, if you're born again, that's your business. I mean, if it's going to stop you from jumping into my yard and stealing my hibachi because you believe there's an eye in the sky kind of thing, that's fine with me. I don't really mind that. I'm not military.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not aggressively atheist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And especially there's religions I recognize Judaism and Hinduism and things like that, where you go, all right, this is peaceful and these people are getting together and there's many rituals and things that are. I would say, as an atheist would be a plus as far as, you know, family and celebration of certain dates and things like that.

[Brian Bishop]

If they weren't religious, they were just social activities. You'd say that's a thumbs up.

[Henry Bushkin]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

There were the social rituals or something that communities did.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And the Muslim religion is doing a disproportionate amount of blowing things up. And that's what Bill says. And then you get the retarded answer from everyone, which is, there's Jewish terrorists out there. And it's like, no, oh, there may be one. And then they cite you one and you go, okay, that's one. That's not thousands or hundreds of thousands. Yeah, but there's one.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't negate your argument, which is. But there's a disproportionate number who are doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would throw the argument back onto them, which is if they said, look, there's a disproportionate of African Americans living in poverty and broken homes that are falling through the cracks. And I wouldn't go, what about Dr. Huxtable? He's doing cool salient poised. He's got a bunch of sweaters and a townhome and a beautiful wife. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, as many African Americans are suffering. Not Dr. Huxtable. He's doing just fine, thank you. Him and Theo or Tio or whatever his name was.

[Allison Rosen]

And then he had a friend named Cockroach.

[Adam Carolla]

Cockroach and Tio. And they'd go, right. But a higher number proportionally of African Americans are suffering from associate. Not Bill Cosby and not Eddie Murphy.

[Allison Rosen]

Not Denise and not Denise. Their daughter Denise.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And it's like, yeah, okay, she went to college. These people exist now can we get back to the problem? I think they would agree with me on those were my talking points about the African American community. Here's Bill talking about terrorism, or I should say Muslims sort of getting their shit together. He also has a guy on there who's sort of. Oh, go ahead. He's a religious scholar. Always try to make. Is that liberals somehow feel worried that they're going to be called racist if they criticize people of the Muslim faith, which is stupid, first of all, because it's not a race Muslim. Of course it's not a race. Yes. And you know, if I criticize Michael Vick, it's not because he's black, it's because he electrocuted dogs. You know, and what's so what I was. More moderate voices. We need more. And we need liberal voices to stand up for liberalism. This is the great irony is that we are standing up for liberal principles, which I am sorry, but a lot of the Muslim world stands against, not just the radicals. There are widely accepted beliefs by a lot of Muslim people that are against our principles. And we shouldn't accept that just because they are a minority or they're brown. It doesn't matter. Pernicious beliefs are pernicious beliefs. We can stop it there. All right now. All right now here comes the argument. The argument is always I agree. Now here's the argument. So he's saying, look, liberals, you're all for feminist rights and movements and things like that. Gay rights, good, then get behind them and denounce this behavior. I mean, I'd say gay rights and feminist rights and feminine rights are amongst the top two or three, whatever. You can get killed for being gay in a lot of these societies and acting out in a. In an inappropriate right way.

[Mark Ellis]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

For tolerance. You can have a problem with intolerance.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You should.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Now here's then the answers, right, Bill, I believe. But I think you have to also accept that there are zealots and that there are. There's schizophrenia in every religion. Not the same. Yeah, but not the same degree. Really. Stop there for a second. So are you right? Everything's the same. It's all the same.

[Allison Rosen]

It's anti dialogue and anti discourse. Sorry, I sound like someone in college to have to negate the argument like Al Sharpton is doing right now. Like just go with what Bill Maher is saying. Cuz he's saying something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we talked about it on stage, which is I was yapping about breast cancer. You said men can get breast cancer. It's possible. They can, but we'd be stupid to focus on men. It's disproportionately another group. You know what I mean? And like, you can go, well, they do. There is this instance, right? We'll get to that when we're done with the ladies. Then we'll focus on the non existent, whatever, you know, the Christians. Well, here's some examples, by the way. This is such bullshit. You had Christian Klansmen that were Christians, KKK members who burned crosses. Nothing more schizo than that.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, yeah, but now, and now you have Christian Dominionists that are just as extreme.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have. Do they have a whole farm system? Do they have websites? Show me the country that has the Christian fundamentalist training camp where they're on the monkey bars. This is not just the same. Look, I'm no Catholic or Christian, but one is herpes and one is cancer.

[Allison Rosen]

Bill, I have to.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to disagree with. You have to disagree.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at what. There is a Christian Dominionist, which is they. I put, you know, air quotes around Christians, but they have a theologic. They want to make a theocracy and they have infiltrated the officer corps. Yeah. You're looking at me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I am. I'm asking who they've killed or who they've threatened. I can guarantee you that right now there are Christians out there tonight that want to kill you and me, all right? Yeah, but they don't. That's. That's. That's more Michael Moore. Yeah, but they don't. That's the part. But they don't. Yeah, I don't know. Look, now we're all just watching this, but it just seems like the opposite of education. All these people are incredibly educated, yet they're making inane points. He's making a point. They're fighting with him. And I don't know why they're fighting him. They're agreeing with him at the same time.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. Isn't your hunch that actually they agree with him? They just feel the need to be making these ancillary points.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think you say, you know, who would you rather be on a flight with 20 Muslim guys or 20 Christian guys or whatever? I mean, they know he's right. I don't know why there's this pushback and this is what's things up in my mind, but let's continue. But, but they don't. But no, we had to have special extra security here. We don't have to have special security. He was pissed off. We're not just talking about why do they want to kill Americans? They want to kill each other. If they leave Islam. And that's something quite different. What was the figure you gave the. Some very high percentage of British Muslims want. Think that anybody who leaves Islam. Should we do it?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So let's say. Let's say we. The first thing. What should we do? Well, policy.

[Mark Ellis]

Kill them.

[Adam Carolla]

Kill them or sell. No, no, no. But kill each other. First thing we have to do was liberals stand up for liberalism. Exactly. Policy follows ideas. If you countenance this, we're never going to win this battle. But we agree with you. But now what do we do? What you do? Well, you've already committed. Yeah. Stop arguing with him. That is what I mean. Like, what are we gonna do now? Well, first we're gonna argue, argue, argue, and then we go, now, what's your plan, smarty?

[Brian Bishop]

Have you been on this show, this Real Time with Bill Maher?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Do they coach the guests to argue the point? No, they're kind of clinging to. I wouldn't call them strong points, but they're clinging.

[Adam Carolla]

They're non points. They're. They're just basically the point of, you know, you go, 99% of red ants bite and 1% of the black ants bite. So we have to treat them differently. And they're going, what about the 1%? And you're like, we'll get to that when we clear up the 99%. The great Gavin Newsom. Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom. Oh, God willing, he's governor of this fair state soon, California. But he said he likes to work small to big, not big to small, so. Meaning he wants to work on a duck that's being displaced from a pond during a city project, but not traffic or education or something. For me, I want them working big to small. These guys are working.

[Allison Rosen]

What about the ducks?

[Adam Carolla]

These guys are working bullshit to small. All right, so they argue with him for a long time, and then they basically explain. And then Michael Moore does what Michael Moore does best, which is, I think you know why that would be the first thing to do. We stop just on how the women are treated, right. Eight of the 10 countries in the world where women are treated worse, here comes more Islamic. And I live in a country. I live in a country where I think the statistic is once every 75 seconds, a woman is raped once every 75 men.

[Allison Rosen]

Michael. That's true, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop it. All right, all right. So problem solved. It's been a while.

[Brian Bishop]

I think Valerie Plainman's gonna talk Some sense into him just about there. I mean, that's a crime versus a systemic keeping.

[Adam Carolla]

I live in a country. You live in a country where you're fucking rich and no one has ever made an attempt on your life.

[Allison Rosen]

The refusal to be able to stick with a point and see it through and to have to mention all these outside points that may or may not be true and may or may not be germane is to your point, Adam, it makes it so that you can't ever get anything solved.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

No one ever moves the ball anywhere, just sits there bobbing around, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Maher saying, let's start judging so that we can start working on this problem. But Michael Moore wants to do the one where every 75 seconds a woman is and. Or whatever. But let's see what Valerie plans, see if she corrects him or not.

[Allison Rosen]

Trouble spots in the world. It is no coinc. Rapes are places where women are treated as second class citizens.

[Adam Carolla]

Hitchens said a great thing once. He said, here rape is a crime, there it's a punishment. Anyway, I was pissed because It'd been like 80 seconds since I'd raped anyone.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, and you're falling behind the pain.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm throwing the curve off and the.

[Brian Bishop]

Next thing you know, you gotta do two rapes in a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what happened.

[Allison Rosen]

It's weird that it's one every 75 seconds. Wouldn't it be easier to just figure out what like a X amount of minutes are and then say it's four per three minutes?

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the woman is raped every 75 seconds in this country. I'm gonna put up there with 52,000 people die of secondhand smoke. I don't think he can back that up at all. If you take your definition of rape and broaden it out to almost everything, then you can. But again, does Michael Moore really love this country? Because he always does that thing. It's always the same thing. It's always these guys that are talking about, I love this country. That's why I want to fix whatever. Bill Maher started off by making this statement by saying, look, this is not a race, it's a religion. And this religion is causing a disproportionate amount of trouble and death. Can you guys as liberals get on board with talking about this? Because they're doing many of the things that you rail against. If it happened here in the United States, except where it's worldwide, the answer is, what about the Klansmen? Oh, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's a Bit of a sideways argument.

[Adam Carolla]

I will build my Wayback machine. Professor Peabody, what a shocker that Al Sharpton played the clan card. And do they ever watch tape of themselves or do they ever have a fucking person in their lives that goes, that's a fucking ridiculous retarded point. That really didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

That should be the same person in Al Sharpton's life who tells him not to wear vertical pinstripes. Slimming is like, hell, you don't need to look any slimmer.

[Adam Carolla]

And Valerie Plame is bringing up some sect of Christianity that I've never heard of that I don't know what they're doing, you know. But again, it's a big problem. Except for no one knows what they're doing and no one's ever heard and no one's turned on the evening news and found out that they took a Ryder truck, filled it with fertilizer and blew up a federal building.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she was a former CIA agent, so I wonder if she knows about this group that's gonna be the next Al Qaeda.

[Allison Rosen]

I have not heard of it on Homeland, so I kind of doubt it.

[Brian Bishop]

But maybe it's a. Maybe it's a big thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe not all. All right, I'll tell you what the next best thing is and big thing. DraftKings, baby. DraftKings.com America's favorite one week fantasy football league. My listeners are winning money, baby. You can win instant cash every week.

[Mark Ellis]

Ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, how you hanging, man?

[Brian Bishop]

I drafted two teams, entered four contests and of course they end Monday night with the Monday night games. But as of right now, I'm in the money in all four. So fingers crossed, looking good.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. DraftKings.com Dawson Right now, Adam Carolla listeners get up to $600 free. Use promo code AD and for every dollar you deposit, DraftKings will match it up to 600 bucks. That's 600 bucks totally free. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. Enter Adam [e-mail] DraftKings.com all right, let's see. Henry Bushkin's going to be in here. He's got a new book. Johnny Carson. He was Carson's personal legal advisor, fixer, confidant and close friend from 1970 to 1988. So we're going to bring him in in one second. First couple quick phone calls and we'll bring Henry in. Lots to figure out about Carson because he's an enigmatic kind of guy and was around before the Internet So we don't know that much. Chrissy. Hey, dude, what's going on? 45, Pittsburgh. Yeah, come from Pittsburgh. Hey, how about that game, you know? Exciting fourth quarter. Anyway, Adam, you're very open about, like, everything in your life, you know, even down to, like, picking your notes and keeping your code on the back of your ATM card.

[Allison Rosen]

But there must be things like you.

[Adam Carolla]

Have decided that you're not going to discuss on the air, like, you know, girth width, paper position, or everything on the table, as long as it's funny. Yeah. All right. Drunk. I'm drunk. As you know, I measure my penis center of the anus, once around the balls to just pass the tip. Number one. Are you in? Circle the balls now, favorite. I go once around. Only once. Only once. I'm not padding. I'm not looking to pad here. Once around the balls and then just beyond the tip. So that's number one. Number two, favored position. The position I'm currently in love. It's like when a bank says our favorite customer is. You see what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

The one we're talking to.

[Adam Carolla]

The one we're talking to. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you call this position?

[Adam Carolla]

This is sitting and squawking.

[Brian Bishop]

Barely interested.

[Adam Carolla]

Barely interested. That's right. Checked out. I call it the checked out, reverse checked out cowgirl. Been on the losing end of that a few times. Nick. Hi. 27, Minnesota. Big fan. I was reading a news article recently, and in order to save a species of rhino, Texas hunting group is auctioning off a permit to hunt one of them and kill it and take it home as a trophy. Really? How's that? Save it? Yeah, I think they're donating probably the money to the fund. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Mm. Well, look, couple things. The. You know, there's this fucked up thing, which is the endangered all the animals. Basically all the animals where the parts of the animals, like the horns and tusks and things like that can give an Asian dude a boner or can, you know, clear up your bursitis or whatever it is. They all live in parts of the world that aren't that regulated, so to speak, which is to say you can get a guard to watch a game preserve and so go, you know, keep. Keep your eye on that rhino. But if that rhino horn will fetch $20,000 and the guy keeping an eye on him makes $500 a year, it's easy to buy that guy off. And that's an inherent problem. They've now taken to, by the way, poisoning some of the horns Literally poisoning the horns so that if the horn is poached, they can't make it into a powder.

[Brian Bishop]

It won't cause problems.

[Adam Carolla]

It gives them a boner.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's Asian dude repellent.

[Adam Carolla]

Asian dude repellent? Yeah. I mean, I don't know, it's, it's mostly. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's mostly Asian Eastern kind of whatever that is into the, the horns and the tusk and the, you know, whatever the parts, you know, there's parts of bears and parts of shit like that. But you have rich nation that wants shit and then you have backwards nation that's having trouble protecting shit. And now you have endangered species. If those rhinos lived in Orange county, it'd be cool, they'd be fine. Another example of rich van poor man. This thing where people. First off, this thing where you take a rhino and shove the rhino into the back of a horse trailer and then I shoot it through the window. Doesn't feel satisfying to me as a hunter. It's not sporting, not quite sporting enough for me. And it's not going to make a great story either, on the other hand. So I don't get, you know, I'm not into hunting and I don't get that kind of hunting. If you're. Look, if you want to be Ted Nugent, get a crossbow out and go shoot some deer and then make jerky out of the meat or steaks or something, that's fine. There's no difference between going to the store and buying a bunch of beef and chicken and whatever, and then going out into the woods and shooting and killing and eating whatever you did. And if there was, we'd have to hate everyone who came before us, cuz that's the way they did it. I don't think anyone blames American Indians for hunting things they ate. So you should have no vitriol for those who hunt, who consume what they eat, what they kill.

[Allison Rosen]

You're totally. You're right. Except I realized that when I look at someone and I know that that person went out and in cold blood shot some giant thing versus the person who went to the store and bought a little package. I do judge that person differently because I think, wow, they have the ability to just snuff out a life. Well, you go, I realize there's a hypocrisy in that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you go. They get off on it, don't they? Yeah. Son of a bitch. And I sort of have that feeling too. I'M not good at that. I don't like putting the hook through the fish and throwing it in the thing and all that. I'm not into any of that. I don't like any of that. But as long as someone is going to consume what it is they go out and shoot, I have no problems with that. That person, whatever it is you're shooting. And I don't look into that. Much different than fishing, you know, going, I don't know what's the difference between a deer and a 400 pound tuna? To me, the tuna is a much more majestic animal than a deer is.

[Brian Bishop]

The cute animals got a lot more.

[Adam Carolla]

They get shit. I mean, you get shit. But the point is, if you're gonna eat it, you're gonna eat it. If you're gonna go to the store, you're gonna the store. Same difference. Now, as far as the rhino goes, if you can raise $250,000 to go toward rhino preservation, and this $250,000 will build an electrified fence and buy five jeeps for the rangers and get them two ranger stations, which will then save anywhere more than one and a half rhinos. Two rhinos, then I'm all for it. See, for me, I'm not into this rhino or that rhino. I'm just into a rhino's numbers game. And my feeling is, is if you can shoot that one rhino, make enough money to save 10 rhinos, that's good. If it's two rhinos, it's still fine as long as it's more than one rhino.

[Allison Rosen]

What if it's like a benefit to raise money for Mothers Against Drunk Driving and you're auctioning off the chance to nail a drunk mom who's also driving.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, reverse. No, no. It's like saying, yeah, you can run over one kid crossing the street in a Pontiac drunk versus. Honestly, if you told me it was going to save the lives of 30 other kids, then I'm in. Like, it's really. I am. Well, you got to keep in mind, there's 30 other kids are going to die.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay. It's going to save the lives of 30 kids who would die.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, look, the simple Hunger Games, the simple reality to our, to our life is, as much as I like that one rhino, There are the 10 other rhinos. We're getting back to Bill Maher's point here. I guess in a certain, certain way.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It just does seem like, well, isn't there any other way to raise money rather, you know, other than auctioning off the chance to run over a kid in this scenario.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there is. No, there isn't. Just gas up the car, go to the gas station, come back with a sixer of Pabstall boys and let me do what I got to do to save the other 30.

[Allison Rosen]

Make sure you eat the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. I'll use every part of him like the Indian. Either way. That's how I'm wired. But I agree. Let's come up with other ways to raise money to save the other rhinos other than shoot the one over there in Texas. All right, let's see. Saw a taxicab. I'll go fast here. Music movie. Hey, Sean. Hey, Adam. How you doing? What's going on, man? You're 40. Calling from Seattle. We were just there.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I missed you guys. My band was on tour in Oregon, so couldn't go to the show. Sorry about that. Mm. I'm sorry. Yeah, so my band, Estacar, we did your best gig ever promotion for your movie that you're raised funds for. Oh, thank you. Hey, you're welcome. So I was kind of curious, what kind of scoring system are you going to use for the band or bands that get picked for your soundtrack? Mostly rancheria, ranchera and soccer.

[Brian Bishop]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

Just that. Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm going to hit up some of my friends, and some of the folks have been on the show and look around a little and see what we can do. And we'll. People submit stuff and all that kind of stuff, and we'll, you know, we'll do it sort of grassrootsy like we did the last one. Sounds fair enough. All right, John, Last question. Line five, Alex 26, Chicago. What's going on? Yeah, I have a question. There's this new program, two new companies in Chicago, and it's like a spin off of a taxi company, and it works on your phone. It's an app. And the person that picks up you up, they just pick you up in their own car. Yeah. And drive you wherever you want. And the qualifications to be a driver are like a 20 minute questionnaire. And then they say whether or not you can drive, and you just turn it on and you say, okay, I'll go and pick people up.

[Brian Bishop]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems a little weird to me. A few of my friends have done it. I just wanted to get your take on just getting picked up by some random person. Well, it's funny because you go, hey, man. I mean, as a white person of a certain age living a certain Time in a certain neighborhood, minus a brain tumor, your highest important distinction, your highest chance and likelihood of buying it is out on the road. It's not sniper's bullet or typhoid. It's in a car. So it is weird how insanely casual we are. And you go, yeah. So this dude that's driving his nine year old RAV4, who completed the online questionnaire while he was stoned, is now gonna pick you up, right? And you go, hey, what the fuck? But then you realize I've been taxied literally around the world by a guy named Khabib who played soccer, music, who was driving a Crown Vic that had no suspension, no bushings. It literally circumnavigated the globe 28 times. And this guy half the time was talking to me over his right shoulder and simultaneously yelling at someone that was in front of him. With zero communication skills or fast twitch muscle memory at all. There's no way these guys all completed the Bob Bondurant School of Offensive Driving or Defensive Driving.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't we get into a cab accident, Brian? Was I with you when that happened?

[Brian Bishop]

You were not with me.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, yeah. Our recent trip in New York, we got into a little cab fender bender and I feel like I've been in a bunch of those.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, you may have the stoned 22 year old in the RAV4, but what about the guy from the third world nation who's basically on God knows what driving a car that is absolutely new to him and a car again? You can feel the suspension, you feel the springs. You feel that feeling. It's that bone on bone kind of feeling when all the bushings have gone in the suspension. Like we're used to driving cars with 50 or 75,000 miles on, even if you have one that needs a new shock absorber or something. But it's that only the feeling of one that's physically traveled 300,000 miles. Like when you're sitting in that back seat, the stopping distance is no good. That thing. That guy's not going to avoid anything. And the guy seems completely out of it anyway, so considering the alternative, it's that. Yeah, that's the alternative is that it's not, you know, it's not Joey Chitwood. All right, go ahead and look that one up. He did a little stunt driving back. It's not my buddy Tanner Faust from the X Games who's completely lucid and driving his own rig. It's you bouncing around with no seatbelt on in the back of a Crown vic. That is 350,000 miles on. All right, we'll find. Oh, Baldiwood. That's right. Let's do that before we bring Henry. Yeah. And Alice has gotta look up Joey Chip. Hooray for Baldiwood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spend bucks, remember his taste sucks. He loved that trainwreck piece of shit Transformers to hooray for Baldywood.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Movie I saw this week, it's out now. It's called 12 Years a Slave. Have you heard anything about this movie?

[Adam Carolla]

I heard it was good.

[Brian Bishop]

It is directed by a black guy named Steve McQueen. That's his real name. Stars. I'm gonna mess this name up. Chiwetel is, I think is how it's pronounced. I expect to hear the name a lot more as Oscar season comes up. He was really, really good in this movie. Michael Fassbender's in this great cast. Benedict Cumberbatch, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson. Garrett Dillahunt's in this and Brad Pitt has a small role also. This is based on a autobiography or a memoir, I guess, actually of Solomon Northup. He was a black man, free black man living in New York. Pre Civil War, 1850s. He was living in New York with his family, his wife and his kids. He was a musician, a violin player. And he was sort of tricked into coming to Washington D.C. for a live gig. And the guys who took him there basically slipped some in his drink, they shanghaied him and they shipped him off to New Orleans where he was sold as a slave.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

He was sold into slavery after being raised as a free man in New York. So a lot of reasons they sort of explained because the first question is, well, why wouldn't he just say, hey, I'm a free man, get me out of here?

[Allison Rosen]

Second is what happened to his violin.

[Brian Bishop]

The violin. Now the violin didn't make the trip. He did get another violin at one point. But there's a going, I think what.

[Adam Carolla]

A black guy plays. It's called a fiddle.

[Brian Bishop]

That's actually. They call it a fiddle in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

The Asian guy plays, it's a violin, hands it to a black guy, becomes.

[Brian Bishop]

A fiddle, becomes the same instrument.

[Adam Carolla]

Becomes a fiddle, exact same instrument.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a great movie. It is one of those movies that's a great movie you never want to see again. There are certain times where it's tough to watch. Pretty intense, but unforgettable movie, really well made. I really liked it a lot. The acting is just tremendous. I would expect a few Oscar nominations come out of this movie. There's an actress who I was not familiar with, Lupita Nyong'. O. I wasn't familiar with her, but I can almost guarantee she'll get a best supporting actress nomination. She was just tremendous. It was a really, really well acted movie. I was thinking about something during the movie. You have a theory, which is funny and possibly correct about why we should bomb Germany again for World War II, for the Holocaust, and we just go back there and draw a few more bombs. It was pretty atrocious atrocity, I'd say.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And not so. And it wasn't that long ago that, you know, from. In terms of the earth's calendar, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Kind of recent, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Really recent.

[Allison Rosen]

Surprisingly recent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then just sending a message that not only will that kind of behavior not be tolerated in the present time, but in the future, 50 years later, get your ass kicked again.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a warning. Should we go back? I'm not saying we should burn down certain cities in the south, but should there be a little more for slavery? I would like pretty bad.

[Adam Carolla]

What I would like to do is.

[Brian Bishop]

Slave to race of people.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I would like to do. I would like to find those. You see right now I think it's one of these things where we've just taken whitey and we've went, look, you're all 5% responsible for slavery. And I'm like, well first off, the Corollas have never owned anything, especially themselves. My dad doesn't own a fucking sofa. Forget about a human being.

[Brian Bishop]

And a slave was a, was a high ticket item back then. I mean that was. The point is made in this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

No Corollas owned anything. Secondly, they weren't here, they were not there in England, I mean in Italy. And like my, my, my wife Lynette's parents are both born in Italy. So whatever they had, they, they were there. Poor whatever fuck fucks over there, they moved over here. Now our kids are going to have to kind of have slavery at least hanging around their backyard somewhere in their history. Even though their parents, parents weren't from here, weren't around. No one's own. The slave. What I would like to do is find the handful of people that are around or relatives of or benefited from. I'm sure there are many folks that own tobacco plantations or cotton plantations. Any textile, any textile, whatever. Let's go to Burlington and burn down the coat factory. I'm black and mad as hell. No, I'm just saying let's do a little checking around because what I want is a special don't blame me windbreaker. You know what I mean?

[Henry Bushkin]

Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

To go next to your penis sized windbreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. There's enough room on it once we get the digits. Because digits are gonna circle around, go round behind the arms and then start again. Loop, lap themselves.

[Brian Bishop]

DNA strand around you. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is, look, the Corollas are from Italy. They're broke as shit. They never owned anybody. And they're recent. They were here after slavery and so is my wife's family. And so we were off the fucking hook. Now other people, like, who own tobacco and they go back some generation. The Winklevoss twins over there from, from the network or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Those guys, Social network.

[Adam Carolla]

I want their fucking dad. He can pay reparations. And by the way, turn his car over, go get him. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I wonder what his first name is. Old man Winklevoss.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever it is. Anyone with a third. The third. Anyone's a colonel or third or anything after their name, go after him.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you guys will like this movie a lot. It's very good. If I had to nitpick, one thing I didn't like about it. Brad Pitt shows up at the end and he's a Canadian who's working in the south and he's like, we don't have slavery where we are. And he kind of lectures the character on like how bad slavery is and I don't think history will be kind or whatever. And it's like the one part of the movie didn't feel authentic. It felt kind of alright. This is a little bit melodramatic, a little too much. But it was such a small part of the movie that I let it go. This is really, really good. Really intense, really memorable and really well acted. I give this one an A. Oh, boy. And if I may, a quick recommendation for Halloween because people text me or tweet me and they're like, hey, what's good out there? To stream a lot of good scary movies on both Netflix and Amazon. If you want to get a good one, you can stream on both for free. Amazon prime members get it free. Free. Or you can also rent it too. The Cabin in the Woods. I don't know if you guys have seen this or heard of it. It's a horror movie, funny horror movie that came out a couple years ago written by Josh Whedon and Directed by Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that the one that had a bunch of twists and turns?

[Brian Bishop]

Really, really good. All right, I recommend it. And good movie to watch on Halloween. Scary movie and a lot of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't the cabin in Manhattan on top of the penthouse. I mean normally this cabin's where? In the woods. What's that again?

[Brian Bishop]

Cabin in the woods.

[Adam Carolla]

Woods. That a tree laden area.

[Brian Bishop]

There will be a lot of forestry around said cabin.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I've heard of cabin on the edge of a waterfall in the middle of nowhere, but this one's.

[Brian Bishop]

This is not one of those cabins.

[Adam Carolla]

This one's cabin in the Gobi Desert.

[Brian Bishop]

No. Amongst woodland creatures and forestry.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. What's cabin made of? Titanium?

[Brian Bishop]

No. The same things that surround it. Wood. Trees.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now I'm confused because you see the moon twice. All right, Henry Bushkin here, he wrote himself a Johnny Carson book and always interested in Carson. Trying to figure that man out. We'll take a quick break. I'll bring in Henry now. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla show. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 5 on DFH. Don't watch my skin is killing me. People with skin care conditions are profiled at 6:30 on Bravo. Be sure to miss I dream of Nene. The wedding infighting continues to plague her bridesmaids so Nene throws them a tea party. And at 9 on bio. Definitely don't watch Celebrity house hunting. Andy Dick, who has been living in a makeshift shed in his ex girlfriend's backyard, looks for a family home in the Los Angeles area. That's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the Adam Carolla Show. Henry Bushkin in studio. Johnny Carson available the book available on Amazon. You don't do go to AdamCoro.com hit the Amazon banner and put a little win in the sales of the pirate ship. Personal legal advisor, Fixer. I miss Fixer's confidant friend Fixer. Explain the fixer part.

[Henry Bushkin]

Henry Ray Donovan.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Right.

[Henry Bushkin]

Fixer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Henry Bushkin]

Johnny didn't have a manager, didn't have an agent. He had a lawyer. So I was his one guy. I was the entourage of one. So whatever problem came about, it fell on my shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I've never met him. I've seen him interviewed before. His interesting guy. Seems sort of standoffish at times and generous at other times. How would you describe him?

[Henry Bushkin]

Complex, Complicated? All of the above, what you said. Much more comfortable on the air than off the air.

[Adam Carolla]

And was he, was he reclusive to that point?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, I think he was reclusive after he left the show, but I don't think, not beforehand.

[Adam Carolla]

Why after he left the show, do you think he became reclusive?

[Henry Bushkin]

He had nothing more to give. His life was on the show. So when he wasn't doing the show, there was no reason for him to be in front of the public for.

[Adam Carolla]

Any reason in your book. I remember a couple of, well, a few days, maybe a couple weeks ago, we're talking about the whole sort of affair and his wife and Frank Gifford and all that kind of stuff. And Frank Gifford gave a very good answer, which is, I'm fucking 83 and I've been hitting the head too many times. I can't remember all the chicks I've screwed. Which I'll accept as you get a little bit older in life and we're involved with a lot of contact sports.

[Henry Bushkin]

I accept it too.

[Adam Carolla]

But what was that story?

[Henry Bushkin]

That's how I got hired to accompany him on this sort of break in. Break in caper I would call it. And it was an apartment that his wife had. We suspected his wife had it and she did. And Frank Gifford happened to be the one who was occupying it with her.

[Adam Carolla]

What year is this?

[Henry Bushkin]

1970.

[Adam Carolla]

And how are you introduced to Johnny Carson the day before and 1970? So where is he at with the Tonight Show?

[Henry Bushkin]

Eight years the star.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's going. I mean, and what people need to remember is no matter how much you like Kimmel or Letterman or Leno or whoever you like, it's a pie that's being cut up into thinner and thinner pieces because there's just so many channels, so much content, all the Netflix and the DVDs and all this stuff and On Demand and the Internet and all that kind of stuff. There's no possible way to get those sort of super bowl esque ratings on a nightly basis. But everyone went to bed with Johnny Carson. I mean, I don't know what, at its zenith, I don't know what it.

[Henry Bushkin]

Was 15 to 20 million when there.

[Adam Carolla]

Was 175 million people in the country. I mean, just staggering. Literally it'd be, you know, 10 or 15% of the country was watching this guy. It would be literally like having 33 million people watch you every night. And by the way, if you get two and a half million people to watch you on the evening, that's a good night.

[Henry Bushkin]

But he was the litmus test. They were waiting for what he had to say. You know, if he was here today, he'd be roasting Congress. I mean, every night he'd be going after them.

[Adam Carolla]

And also in terms of making a career, that was, you know, you go on Carson carts and calls, you over the sofa, and the next day the phone never stops ringing and you got a sitcom deal.

[Henry Bushkin]

Yeah, but some, like Howard Stern, didn't find that particularly appeal for those comics that weren't brought over. In other words, he didn't bring them over the couch. So Howard felt that was like a slap in the face. But Johnny never looked at it that way. I mean, it was just like a spur of the moon. If the guy really hit, Johnny was delighted. He loved comedians making it. And so of course he would invite them over. And if they were okay, you know, maybe the moment wasn't right for them to come over and sit down.

[Adam Carolla]

So tell the story then. He's eight years, he's, you know, the king of late night at this point, when it. When it definitely meant something to be the king of late night. And you meet him how?

[Henry Bushkin]

I was introduced to him at NBC in his office, and it was a seven, eight minute meeting, quite uneventful. I thought there was nothing appealing about me to him because I was a new lawyer and the only thing we had in common was tennis, if you could believe that. I left, said to my. The mutual friend, this was a terrible meeting. You know, I had nothing to offer the guy. I went home that night and he called me.

[Adam Carolla]

Johnny did.

[Henry Bushkin]

Johnny called me, and I went to his apartment the next night, which led to this break in with Frank, with Joanne Carson's apartment. And, you know, when I wrote it, I wrote it 43 years later. You know, I mean, we're talking about it 43 years later. So it was horrible then. But 43 years later, there's some comedy to it. So that's the way I looked at it. And all of a sudden it became controversial, kind of silly, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Like the Holocaust. So too soon? No, what I'm saying is this. He said to you, I think my wife's have an affair.

[Henry Bushkin]

There were private detectives there, certainly, who had sort of scoped it out, and they were pretty certain it was hers. And I was there to prevent an arrest, I suppose.

[Allison Rosen]

And is that why you went to the meeting at the. At NBC? Like, was he looking?

[Henry Bushkin]

I didn't know why I went there. I just went there. I was told he wanted to meet me for some reason, because my friend had sort of built me up. And I met him for five minutes. And the next night I was at his apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

Where was the apartment?

[Henry Bushkin]

UN Plaza.

[Adam Carolla]

And she now he was living like. I guess he'd always kind of lived in, or at least I. At least retired. But I always thought he lived in the Malibu area. Is that correct?

[Henry Bushkin]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

And she presumably lived there as well?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, this was 1970. In New York. He wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. This is. This is not out here. This is before they moved out here.

[Henry Bushkin]

This is New York, definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

What year did they move the Tonight show out here?

[Henry Bushkin]

72.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. So it was just a couple years later. But this started off in New York.

[Henry Bushkin]

It started in 62. Right, in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right. And you went with him and a detective and several others and broke in or. How'd you get in?

[Henry Bushkin]

Several, I think maybe five or six hundred bucks to the superintendent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Henry Bushkin]

Got us in.

[Adam Carolla]

It was such a. It was a simpler time. Remember, it said it was just a similar time.

[Henry Bushkin]

There were no. There were no cameras. There were no cell phones. There were no nothing. I mean, if nobody saw us go in, we were cool.

[Adam Carolla]

If you got pulled over for drunk driving, just. He did a couple of twenties, folded up with your license.

[Henry Bushkin]

He did get arrested for drunk driving.

[Adam Carolla]

What? He didn't have cash.

[Henry Bushkin]

Here, here, here. He did. Fucking hella thrown in jail. And Bob Shapiro of O.J. fame was the guy who got him out.

[Adam Carolla]

And was it all over the newspapers?

[Henry Bushkin]

Oh, most assuredly. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers made him their first test case. Oh, really? They went nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was this?

[Henry Bushkin]

They were out to screw this guy badly. This was about 82, I think. Shapiro got him out eventually. Paid $134 fine, but not until they roasted him. And when he came back, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of money. In those days, he was a king of late night. It was 1982, Dodge.

[Henry Bushkin]

When he came back on the show, everybody was waiting to see what was happening, because when he was arrested, it was front page news, you know, it even made the New York Times. How silly that is, right? That he was arrested. But he came on stage, handcuffs two prop cops, you know, and got maybe the biggest laugh in the history of the Tonight Show. It went on for like five minutes because the whole country was waiting. What was he going to say about this drunk driving arrest? And he comes in in handcuffs.

[Adam Carolla]

So now you're back in the hall and you're back busting into this love nest. And Is there anyone in there?

[Henry Bushkin]

I think we were paying our way in.

[Adam Carolla]

Paying your way in. Sorry, you're bribing your way into the love nest. Is Frank Gifford in there?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no. We knew that Joanne Carson was out of town. We didn't know that. So Frank Gifford wasn't there? She wasn't there.

[Adam Carolla]

But you were able to find evidence.

[Henry Bushkin]

It was all Johnny's old furniture that happened to be removed when they redid the apartment. So she put it in this other apartment, unbeknownst.

[Adam Carolla]

And where's the Frank Gifford part come in? A lot of signed footballs, giant helmets.

[Henry Bushkin]

Clothing, photographs, men's clothing. Does it. She was petite, Joanne Carson, like a size 2. Frank Gifford's a big guy. I mean, you can't mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

So. And the evidence. What was Johnny's reaction?

[Henry Bushkin]

Horrified. I mean, he really was sobbing, actually. And that was probably the worst moment of his life. That certainly. That I participated in with him.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. Then what was his next move with her?

[Henry Bushkin]

File for divorce.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. That was it.

[Henry Bushkin]

That was it. Never spoke to her again.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Henry Bushkin]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Henry Bushkin]

It was so interesting that she was one of the hosts on the PBS special for Carson that they ran last year, you know, And Joanne Carson said, I spoke to him every day of my life. You know, I'd say, wow, what bullshit is this? You know, he never spoke to her again, ever.

[Adam Carolla]

And how was he with Ed? Because I can never figure out where those guys were bosom buddies or. You know, whenever you'd hear Ed interviewed, he'd always go, well, I never been to his house, but we're very close. You know, stuff like that.

[Henry Bushkin]

No. In New York, they were drinking buddies and good pals. When the show moved to California, their social lives differed. They both remarried, Johnny with his third wife and Ed with Victoria. And their lives sort of separated, but always friends. But social strata is different.

[Adam Carolla]

And did Johnny have a active social life? Did he have a lot of friends, people over the house, that kind of stuff?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, he had friends over, but it wasn't that frequent. The house was a fabulous house. He had everything he needed there. He loved it there. And he was very comfortable having parties with his friends. They had those actually fairly regularly.

[Adam Carolla]

What was. So he lived, like, around the colonies or something?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no. He lived in Bellair. No, this is in Bel Air.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's in Bel Air at this.

[Henry Bushkin]

Point when he moves from New York, he moves to Bel Air on St. Cloud Road. Fabulous house. Used to belong to Mervyn leroy.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he own that department store?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no, no. That was the director. Producer. Director.

[Adam Carolla]

And what was his. Do you know what his schedule was like? I'm always interested in finding out what the schedule was back in the day.

[Henry Bushkin]

You have to understand, he lived at UN Plaza, which was on 48th street and 30 Rock. You could just walk across 48th street to get to NBC. So he could literally leave his apartment at 1:30 and get to walk there and be there at a quarter to two. And the show didn't tape till 5:30.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Henry Bushkin]

So he had plenty of time with the writers. And you know, he could have gotten in at 3 o' clock. By the time he was in California, you know, he could have gotten in at 4 o'. Clock. He just needed that much.

[Adam Carolla]

How much prep did he do and how much writing did he do before, after the show? Did he drink every night after the show? What was his.

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no. Look, the drinking sort of ended in New York. He was always a bad drinker, if you know what I mean. Two drinks and you never knew where he was going to go. But all of the drunkenness, if you call it that, ended in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

DUI out here, right?

[Henry Bushkin]

That's right. There were moments out here. I mean there were moments, but not regular moments. In New York there were regular moments.

[Adam Carolla]

And so what do you. What was the schedule like out here?

[Henry Bushkin]

He would go in. Well, when he lived in Malibu, see, he moved to Malibu, so he would probably leave 1:30 and drive himself over the canyon to NBC and probably take 45 minutes and get in about a quarter after two.

[Adam Carolla]

Leno does the same, but he's driving a steam powered car, so it takes him four days. He has to pull over for water every 20 minutes.

[Henry Bushkin]

Right, exactly. Johnny drove a Corvette at the end and he drove himself. And of course Ed drove up in a limousine. So that tells you how they approached life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Ed wanted to get shit faced after the show or before. Or before the show, right?

[Henry Bushkin]

Depended.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Henry Bushkin]

So he would get there about a quarter after 2 and the show taped at 5:30.

[Adam Carolla]

And was he the kind of guy who was, you know, jotting down notes on cocktail napkins, coming up with jokes and telling his writers, I want to focus on this business or that business all the time.

[Henry Bushkin]

Every morning he'd be combing through the papers, combing through magazines, combing through whatever came out and be calling the producer, calling writers, telling what he wanted to do. I mean he was actually producing the show. Every morning they would tell him who's coming on and he would be telling them what to do and he'd get in and the writers would all have that material. He would edit it, it would go back, they'd put it on cue cards.

[Adam Carolla]

He'D be ready, did how badly I never knew at the Time, because it's always TV and bullshit and people are gracious and stuff. Did he not want to leave vigorously or did he feel like he could step aside graciously?

[Henry Bushkin]

Well, I left in 1988. He was off the air in 1992, a four year stretch. So if it were up to me back then, I would have had him retire like in 1985, so we could have had a smooth transition to a next guest host. And then he could go on and do whatever he wanted to do and still own the Tonight show and still own the hour beyond it, where David Letterman was. But he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't agree, at least with me, to give an end date because we could never get someone to replace him because we could never get a date from him to tell them. I mean, for example, if you were going to replace Johnny at the time, you'd like to know when.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Henry Bushkin]

We couldn't tell him when.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and that was a real problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he. Was that a strategy on his part?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no, no, it was. Look, it was. It was his life. So he really wouldn't know what to do without the Tonight Show. You see, there was nothing he wanted to do other than the Tonight Show. He had no ambition to do movies. He had no ambition. He occasionally did specials, but he had no ambition beyond the Tonight Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there anyone he was jealous of or anyone he really hated in that world, in that arena?

[Henry Bushkin]

Oh, there were people he didn't particularly like and there were people he really disliked who were not. Not on the air people, off the air people. But Rich Little was never a favorite for some reason. Really, he was rich.

[Adam Carolla]

179 appearances on that show.

[Henry Bushkin]

He may have made 200, but it didn't matter. He really didn't like him. And he thought he had. Well, it doesn't matter, but.

[Adam Carolla]

He. Female genitalia.

[Henry Bushkin]

He was one of the few.

[Adam Carolla]

Rich Little.

[Henry Bushkin]

Yeah, Rich Little.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck Rich Little.

[Henry Bushkin]

And he was pissed that Sinatra put Rich Little on the inaugural gala in 1981 because he thought the guy had no talent. So he thought the show was less then because Rich Little and Debbie Boone were on it. You know, he was like pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he may be right. With Debbie Boone. Dr. Could.

[Henry Bushkin]

Couldn't produce a show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Rich did Johnny, right? I mean, that was one of his things.

[Henry Bushkin]

I don't think that had anything to do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he think he did a good him?

[Henry Bushkin]

Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

He did. Did Johnny think. I mean, it's weird that Rich Little jumps out.

[Henry Bushkin]

Look, it's not Something we talked about. I just know that he. He just didn't like him.

[Adam Carolla]

He thought he was a hack.

[Henry Bushkin]

Maybe more than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Pedophile hack. Well, you know, more than that. The guys who do impersonations.

[Henry Bushkin]

Maybe he thought he was an ass. You know, I never think that's what he thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. I never. I never. See, my whole thing is I never think these guys are that funny. On the other hand, they possess a talent that I don't. So that I can't really say anything about it because they do all those.

[Henry Bushkin]

Voices, you know, Rich Little was very successful.

[Allison Rosen]

For an asshole.

[Henry Bushkin]

For an asshole, you know, he was successful.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to figure out what he did now.

[Henry Bushkin]

Impersonations, I know, but what he did.

[Adam Carolla]

To piss off Johnny. Did Johnny need a lot to be pissed off?

[Henry Bushkin]

No. Look, he was a superstar. Imagine all the superstars, you know, and how easy it is to piss them off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's short fused. Here's what I all have. Short fuses.

[Henry Bushkin]

He was no different.

[Adam Carolla]

I found this. I found this with the celebrities. They can be very pissed off at somebody for almost no reason. And they can worship and adore somebody for almost no reason as well. It's a weird compensation thing. It's part of.

[Henry Bushkin]

Johnny didn't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't worship or adore anybody.

[Henry Bushkin]

He could easily be pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

He just hated people.

[Henry Bushkin]

There was nobody. I don't think he envied anybody. And I think the only person he thought his equal in terms of stardom might have been Sinatra.

[Adam Carolla]

But what about a guy like Buddy Guy? He was an asshole and he played the drums.

[Henry Bushkin]

So what?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Carson may have looked up to a guy and said, that guy can really play the drums.

[Henry Bushkin]

Johnny could really play the drums.

[Adam Carolla]

But not better than Buddy Guy.

[Henry Bushkin]

No, but he and Buddy Rich were great pals.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Buddy Rich. Sorry, Buddy Guy.

[Henry Bushkin]

Well, did they both play the drums? I don't know about, but Buddy Rich was a good friend. Was a good friend of Carson's.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Which one plays the drums?

[Henry Bushkin]

Buddy Rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Buddy Rich.

[Henry Bushkin]

Buddy Rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then Buddy Guy plays.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a blues guitarist, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay.

[Henry Bushkin]

Yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, fantastic musicians. Did he think he was better than the Buddies?

[Henry Bushkin]

Johnny was really very good. The thing about Buddy Rich is he didn't read music. All he had to hear is a song one time and he could duplicate it. And he did the entire west side Story medley, which is 12 minutes long, you know, without a stick of music.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you and Johnny get in fights?

[Henry Bushkin]

Fights, Arguments. Sure, sure, all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

And would you stand up to him.

[Henry Bushkin]

Yeah. Look, I think the relationship I had, you have to understand, you might have a manager, you might have an agent, you might have a lawyer. I was all those things. So if he had anybody to complain to or be pissed at, it would be me. If something didn't go wrong, sort of my fault.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there any sticky legal situations other than the dui? Any sued for paternity? Any good hot, juicy stuff like that?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, none of that. I mean, there were lots of pieces of litigation having nothing to do with anything juicy. You know, like, here's Johnny. Portable toilets. Johnny got pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Henry Bushkin]

We filed an action. We filed an action in federal court in Illinois. And I thought it was just like a waste of time. And we lost. And then we appealed. He insisted we appealed.

[Adam Carolla]

So why did he care so much about that?

[Henry Bushkin]

I don't know, but it was his name and we did trademark it. Here's. Johnny was trademarked. And ultimately on appeal, we won. Okay? So we did set some legal precedent and we spent 600,000 on the lawsuit and the judge awarded us 35,000. So we got like a Pyrrhic victory.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, another, another. Another quality that these gentlemen possess oftentimes is just going, fuck it. I'm going after this. And I've always said, you know, there's fuck you money, but beyond that there's fuck me money, which is I'll spend 600 grand on a lawsuit about nothing to get 35 grand back just to be right. That's fuck me money.

[Henry Bushkin]

He had that, you know, he had a lot of it, so it didn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

And the attitude to go along with.

[Henry Bushkin]

It, like he was a tough guy.

[Adam Carolla]

What was he making? Do you remember, sort of incrementally, pay.

[Henry Bushkin]

Wise in 1987, 86, he was making 25 million a year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Henry Bushkin]

Okay. And he was paid every week for 52 weeks. And he worked 37. And ultimately he worked three days a week, 31 hours a week. So it wasn't bad pay at the time.

[Allison Rosen]

85 money.

[Henry Bushkin]

Now in 92, four years later, I don't know what he was making, but I guarantee you it was more than 25 million. So it could have been 35 million by then. And this is 1992. So today I would dare say they couldn't pay him 75 million if he was drawing those numbers just by comparisons.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sure. I mean, if you take a look at, you know, Letterman, who's probably making 27, maybe even 30 million bucks, okay.

[Henry Bushkin]

So that Johnny would be making 75.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And Letterman is getting 3 million, two and a half, 3 million, whatever. You do that math. I don't know what his numbers were toward the end, but huge chunks. And by the way, it was just part of the popular culture. When you saw a movie, the guy'd be up leaning in front of the TV watching the Tonight Show. The wife would be brushing her teeth in the bathroom, and they'd be talking about the kid, and Tonight show would be on. I would argue that the Tonight show has probably been on in more movies than any show. If the trivia question was, you know, how TV shows pop up in movies. I think the man show once popped up in a movie. But the Tonight Show, Carson has popped up in more movies than any other show, I think. Remember the Shining, fellas?

[Henry Bushkin]

Jack Nicholson, the Shining?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Henry Bushkin]

When he did. Here's Johnny, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Johnny sued his ass, right?

[Henry Bushkin]

No, no, no. They sent us the clip. They said before. I think that was Stanley Kubrick. They sent it to us.

[Adam Carolla]

And Johnny was Stanley Guy, I think it was.

[Henry Bushkin]

And Johnny gave us. Okay, but they did ask.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they have to ask?

[Henry Bushkin]

You know what? They probably should have. I don't know whether they had to, but, yeah, here's. Johnny was trademarked, so absolutely they would have had to ask.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, keep in mind, too, if they ever wanted any. Any promotion on tonight's show they wanted to get a guest on or someone.

[Henry Bushkin]

It didn't make any sense to piss him off. I mean, it really didn't. I'll tell you, you weren't going back on the show. I mean, it was just that simple.

[Adam Carolla]

You. You had to stay on the happy side of Carson. Nowadays, if you get pissed off, like, you know, you piss Conan off, big whoop. You just go, he's doing a hearty laugh up there, Henry.

[Brian Bishop]

You're in a fight with Kimmel, and next thing you know, you're a lead guest on his show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You go somewhere else. When you weren't able to do the Carson show, you were screwed back in the day. What about Joan Rivers?

[Henry Bushkin]

Well, she was his favorite, clearly. And she was the permanent guest host before she took her competitive show on Fox.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nice.

[Henry Bushkin]

And once she did that, that was the end of the relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

So he. Did he hate her or was that just dead to her? Or both dead.

[Henry Bushkin]

All he would have wanted was a call from her saying, look, this is what I'm going to do. He would have said, God bless. And he told me if she did that, he knew her show wouldn't last because he saw her being able to do one week at a time on television, right? Three weeks. Forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

So why.

[Henry Bushkin]

But if she had her own show, forget it, because it would never sustain because she's too rough. And he was right.

[Adam Carolla]

He was very competitive, right?

[Henry Bushkin]

He didn't give a shit if she would have asked. Not asked. Just told him she didn't need to get his permission. Just tell him what she's doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Respect then.

[Henry Bushkin]

Respect. And she was his favorite. He nurtured her and he brought her about. When she went on his show, she became the first female comedian who could stand up with the guys. I mean, she became in comedians world, one of the guys. And she was accepted.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. If you want to be one of the guys who gets here identity stolen, then I suggest you tune out to what I have to say over the next 60 to 500 seconds. Lifelock, baby. Identity thieves are targeting your checking accounts. Your savings accounts are coming after your cash. They're coming after your retirement. I talk to these guys. This is the crime. This is basically. This is the crime that you can't avoid no matter what neighborhood you live in. Brian's shaking.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm shaking my head because I'm constantly paranoid about this. Give me a fucking lifeline. Because I'm constantly worried my credit card number or passwords or something is gonna be stolen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not only that, but, I mean, I got twins. They were born. They get a Social Security number. I was talking to the guys, they're like, you don't even know if theirs are being used yet, because you're not. You'll find out when you try to get them into college.

[Allison Rosen]

The crazy thing, I just found this news story about this woman who was charged with identity theft for posing as the owner of a new financial business. And then she said she was looking for employees. And so many people need jobs right now. So they filled out applications, and on the application, you put all the sensitive information like your Social Security number, and then it turned out that she. The whole thing was fake and she was just doing it to get their identities.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the ultimate, most comprehensive ID theft protection ever created. Guards your identity, your credit, even monitors your bank accounts. And again, it's one of these things where if you're going to do business in 2013 and beyond, you're going to need LifeLock. Dawson. I've been using Lifelock for years. Lifelock services can't protect you or your bank accounts if you're not a member. Visit lifelock.com and enter promo code Adam or call and use promo code Adam for a special 10% discount. That's promo code Adam. To get a special 10% discount, call 8004-9650-3080-0496, 5030-8004-9650-5030 Network does not cover all transactions and scope may vary. So, Henry, just in a nutshell, I find myself feeling sort of sorry for the Johnny Carsons of the world because as blessed a life as they've led, there's a part of me that feels like they were lonely or feels like they were so obsessed with their work that they never really sat back and enjoyed whatever the simpler things in life were. Was that him?

[Henry Bushkin]

Well, he died alone. So he died worth $500 million, and he died alone. So that has to tell you something because he had everything one could ever want. He had his own yacht, he had his own plane, he had his own mansions. You know, he had everything you could possibly want, and he died alone. So if you work backwards, yeah, he was basically a guy who was happy being by himself. He didn't have a problem being by himself.

[Adam Carolla]

The book Johnny Carson, out, available as we speak. Available on Amazon. As I've said to you before, Henry Bushkin, thank you very much for coming in here today. We at Amalfi coming up this Wednesday with Jon Lovitz coming up and hanging out. Also, Bevmo, Glendora Bevmo. Mike lynch shot me an email over the weekend that said Glendora Bevmo could be librarian, Booker's mom, Glendora Bevmo, and maybe devigerous lovers. Maybe they're half brothers, but she was a mom. That's her maiden name.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't you talk about Glendora Bevmo like that woman is a saint.

[Adam Carolla]

She has three jobs. She worked putting them through college. All right. Also, Allison Rosen, she's your new best friend. Michael Showalter is going to be on the show. New episodes every Monday and Thursday, AllisonRosen.com, iTunes, our app, wherever you like. Allison Rosen, everybody. So until next time, Adam Carolla for Henry Bushkin, Allison Rosen, and Paul Brian saying mahalo. Did he think he's better than the Buddies?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is I'm Crow Show 1194 with Henry Bushkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up next, we have Adam kroll.

[Brian Bishop]

Of Show 1061, featuring Mark Ellis from Schmo's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. Get it on. Welcome to the program. Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

You sound so energized.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I am. And you as well. Good day. Bald Brian, number one. That's right. All right. We'll get to lots of good stuff with the schmoes. No, guys. We'll talk about some of the summer movies. Curious, Iron Man 3, oblivion, bull. Bryan has seen. He's gonna review that. Great Gatsby, Fast and Furious 6, Superman. All sorts of good stuff. Yeah, I just got done doing the Toyota Pro Celebrity Grand Prix in Long beach, and it's one of those things where if you're not into it, then it doesn't sound like anything. And if you're into it, it's a big deal because it's a lot of people. That's the thing that does it. I say it every time. Like, you can do track days and you can go, hey, we'll get the Corvette Club, and we'll go rent out Button Willow or Willow Springs or something like that, and you'll get it for the day and whatever. But what you don't get is the grandstands filled with people, which is good. And it's bad because it's good. And then it gets your adrenaline going. It's bad. It makes you do things sort of.

[Brian Bishop]

That play to the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

You drive like drunken chicks act on spring break when there's, like, a. And they're up on some guys. Cabin cruiser. Yeah. And a bunch of dudes, like, yelling. You know, you start to make out.

[Brian Bishop]

With your best friend.

[Adam Carolla]

I got the camera phones out. Next, you know, you're just eating some stranger's pussy, and it's all over the Internet.

[Brian Bishop]

Poor Jenna Elfman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was rough. But the adrenaline gets going. And when adrenaline gets going, it causes a few things. Adrenaline is good in the sense that you can get shot in the thigh while you're running from, like, a burning house, which seems like, you know, double bad day.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, really.

[Adam Carolla]

But. And you might not feel it until you get to the fireman's truck. Like, you just go, oh, my God, I was shot. Like, I didn't even know it. That's what adrenaline does. But adrenaline also makes you sweat profusely on first dates and stutter when Bob Barker puts a microphone in front of you and asks you what your hometown is.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't really think clearly with all the adrenaline coursing through. It just gets you from point A to B.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So the thing to do when you have a ton of adrenaline in a situation like this is to try to make it work for you. But if you try to use too much of it, you're gonna go into the wall. And that's kind of what this race is. And do you feel.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you feel jittery. Like, could you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I never feel jittery before these. I just feel like, let's do it. You know? And then I have my sort of rituals because I've realized because of my hypervigilance, my windshield has to be like crazy squeaky clean. Like there can't be spots on my windshield. I clean my sunglasses like 45 times. I bring a rag with me. I have the guys have to clear clean. You know, they sign you a guy. So you go down there and you get one of these new Scions, and they're really nice cars. And then 40,000 people pile into this place and maybe it's 25, maybe it's 30. I don't know what it is, but the place is thousands of people. Thousands of people.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought I read 200,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe over the course of the entire race weekend. But there's. The grandstands are essentially full, and then there's cameramen on every corner. And then they televise it so there's actual cameras, you know, television cameras, and then guys taking still photography and reporters and announcers and oh, blah, blah, blah. And they do the flyby and there's a chick holding the Takati banner with your names on the thing, and she's in her little Takati outfit and you're standing by your car and the guys singing the national anthem. And like I said, the jets or the helicopters fly over and they do the whole thing. And so, like, by the time it comes down to the race you're in, you know, like, you're not looking around going, so what's the big whoop? You know, they're making a big whoop out of it. And this year I was racing as a pro because I won last year. And that's just tradition that you race as a pro if you win the year before. But out of the 37 years that they've been doing this, a pro has never won. Or has celebrities never come back and won except for maybe one time. Keep getting a different story. Yeah, but when we're training, you know, the guy, the instructor, the guy's been doing the school for 20 years, said, you know, you win this, you'll be the first two time winner. No one's ever won twice. Because if you win as a celebrity, you race as a pro, in which case you race as against pros, and then you probably don't win. And if you win as a pro, you're pro. You don't come back next year and defend your pro championship. Now, I'M in some weird gray area because I won as a pro. And the pro is one of these things where sometimes you get really good drivers and sometimes you get drivers that are like. For instance, we had a drag racer. She, Melanie TroXell has gone 332 miles an hour in a quarter mile. You know how fucking fast that is? I mean it's like saying like, you know when they have these like supercar showdowns and they close down some highway in Texas and they see who can break 200 miles an hour and a, you know, Bugatti Veyron with a wing coming out in the back and stuff. That Bugatti Veyron, if you took it to the salt flats would go 253 or something like that over the course of six miles. This is a quarter mile. This is 332 and a quarter mile. I mean that's that corner to that corner. Basically. Not 200 miles an hour, not 300 miles an hour. 332.

[Allison Rosen]

How fast does it get to that?

[Brian Bishop]

The land speed record is just over 400 miles an hour. So that's about as fast as you can go.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the land speed record is a rocket and that's pissed in that's driven. All right. The point is still, it's very fast. If you got the fastest Ferrari, they bought the most expensive Ferrari they have and somebody gave you a straightaway that was endless. Just a 10 mile straightaway, you could get that thing up to 208 miles an hour, but it would take you five miles to do it or something. Quarter mile. And the she just. The G force is like being launched off of aircraft carrier. It's probably more. She's up to 100 miles an hour in an eighth of a second. Whereas the fastest supercars in the world are up to 60 miles an hour. In, in like, you know, four seconds. You know, supercar speed. Four seconds. Three and a half. You know, super elite supercar. Three and a half seconds, 60 miles an hour. She's eight second, eighth of a second or I should. Sorry, eight tenths of a second. Sorry. Under a second. Made it clear. Now two tenths of a second. Under a second. She is under a second. 100 miles an hour. She's probably at 200 miles an hour in two and a half seconds or something like that. Or maybe under two seconds or the car or both. It's a little each. I'd say follow up question from someone.

[Brian Bishop]

Who doesn't know anything about drag racing. And not to diminish our accomplishment, but How. Is there any strategy in drag racing? Or is it just step on the gas?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you can't do it because the car has 8,000 horsepower. The car has so much horsepower that they cannot put on a dynamometer. It cannot be measured how much horsepower the car has. It's like someone is so fat, there's no scale that can weigh them, lift them.

[Brian Bishop]

On a truck scale.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They cannot measure, but it's academic because all they'll do is they could sit there and spin the tires for an hour until all the rubber came off the rims. So you have to feather the throttle or do it in such a way. The clutch. You have to do it in such a way where you don't just sit there and light up the tires. Then there's also reaction time. You got to get down that Christmas tree and get out of the gate. So, I mean, look, it's not, you know, it's not road racing, but it's huevos of steel on a woman. I mean, like I said, 330 something miles an hour and a quarter mile in a straight line with basically bicycle tires up front. They don't have much in the way of tread up front. And a couple parachutes for brakes. That's a woman who's not scared to go fast. So she was. But she's not a professional road racer. Then there are guys, like, the other guy was Andy Bell, Andy Bell's motorcycle supercross racer. He's in the Nitro Circus, too. He's Travis Pastrana's guy from Nitro Circus. But he's done stuff like there's the Guinness Book of World Record stuff where you go, okay, you ate how many avocados in two minutes? Like, Dawson, that's cool. But then there's stuff where you go, most downloaded podcast, like, all right, it's impressive. But then there's number 182. He has about. He has eight or nine records, and one of them is the longest car drift, which obviously you have to have some wheel control if you're setting a record for the longest car drift. But the other one he has, and this is a ballsy one, is the longest front wheelie. Front wheelie. Now, he can pop it up on a bike, obviously on a motorcycle.

[Brian Bishop]

Not like the commercial, do not attempt on a motorcycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he can ride a wheelie all day long on a motorcycle, but riding a front wheelie, there's no power under the front wheel. So how do you even get the back up? Yeah, you gotta pop it up and.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to Be going really fast.

[Adam Carolla]

When you get it up, you have to be going really fast. 75, 80 miles an hour to get it up. And then when you get it up, you can't put the brake on. You're going over. You gotta keep it up and you can't lean forward. It's weird, ballsy, crazy, insane. Anyone who owns that record is ballsier and shit and has a ton of fucking control. Because a front wheelie on a bike is a rear wheelies hard to do. Usually an accident usually means there's an accident there. Yeah, but he's also done backflips on motorcycles, you know, 50ft in the air and stuff. So it's like, all right. And he's done. He did a lot of desert racing and stuff like that. So I knew this guy was nuts. Like, I know he was going to be super hard charging because anyone who does anything on two wheels, four wheels is no big deal to them. Sort of like the, you know. Well, he can juggle riding a skateboard, but can he do it on carpet? Like, I'll bet he does it better when he's standing on carpet.

[Allison Rosen]

Or like, oh, this hill is so scary to go down and roller skates, but in sneakers it's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Just like that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just like that. So that was it. And then Tyler Clary was the other pro who's a gold medal swimmer, who's trying to start a career in race car driving and has been pursuing it pretty actively. So he has the most road driving experience. So now we qualified this way. Tyler, number 100 and basically he did a 145.6. That's a minute 45.6 a lap. Andy was number two at 145.6. So he's 4/10 of a second, I'm sorry, 146. So he's 4/10th of a second off of, off of Tyler. And then I did a 146.2. So I'm basically 8/10 off the, or 6/10 or whatever off the thing. And half a second, anything over half a second, even though it's a whole lap and you're half a second off, it adds up. You don't want to be half second plus zone. That that's 100 yards between you and that's each lap, the guy will put about 100 yards on you. By the time you get to the end of the race, you're more than 10 seconds. I mean, you're more than 5 seconds off the pace, which puts you way the Fuck back there. So I wasn't brimming with confidence, but I've always been a better driver than qualifier. And my plan was because Melanie was way off the pace, she was two, two and a half seconds off. Our pace was I cannot get behind her. And we're starting gridded up 2 and 2. As I explained before, they start the pros 30 seconds behind the celebrities. So the notion is the pros always go have their own cheating meeting.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a meeting of how to jump the start. Because a full 30 seconds behind is not going to work. The pro, the celebrities, you know, the cars are all equal. The, the celebrities are second or two, maybe half a second slower lap. So with a 30 second head start, we're not going to get to the front in a 10 lap race. So we got to figure out a way to jump the green flag. That's basically how it works. They have their green flag and their pace car. We have our green flag and our pace car 30 seconds behind them. But it's not an exact science. So the deal is when you come around the hairpin on the shoreline, you're supposed to wait for the, for the green flag. But what the celebrities do is they go, soon as the pace car pulls off, take off. Because keep in mind the race has begun.

[Brian Bishop]

Because they can't stop the race once.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S already started 30 seconds before us when they drop the green flag on the, on the celebrities. So we're gonna start.

[Brian Bishop]

Your green flag is very loosey goosey, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I said to Tyler and Andy, who are super intense competitive guys, let's just do me this favor because me and Melanie will be behind you when you come around the hairpin before the, before the car pulls off or the pace car pulls off. Just give it a beat and let us all get facing down shoreline, down the straightaway at the same time and then, then go. But don't take off when we're going around the hairpin because that's, that's you jumping the.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you have to.

[Adam Carolla]

It's you jumping it, not us jumping it. So just do this. Come around the corner, be next to each other. Look in the rear view, See that? We've come around the corner. It'll be about 75, 100ft away from the hairpin. Soon as you see we're on, you go. Well, guess what?

[Allison Rosen]

They didn't do that because you wanted them to.

[Brian Bishop]

They stayed true to the word.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything I do in life, I just go, here's what we need to do. And Everyone goes, ready?

[Henry Bushkin]

It's basically.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like this. I get in a huddle. I go, listen, I'm gonna get the ball of the shotgun. I'm gonna sprint out to the right. You go 10 yards, cut hard to the right. I'll hit you on the outside at the sideline. Ready? Break. And then I. As I'm running to the right, I just see that guy's back running for the left pylon. And I just go, what? We were just talking about this.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you or did you ever play poker in your younger days with your friends?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Were you any good? Cause he seemed the kind of guy who would be like, all right, guys, it's a friendly game. No one get check raises out of control because it's friendly. We don't lose too much money. Like, okay, we know who doesn't want to spend too much money. And they would raise you out of his probably.

[Adam Carolla]

I never. I was always like, look, anyone who asked me for any of the celebrities that said, you've done this before, tell me whatever. Tips. I'd give people tips, advice, whatever. But I realized that once adrenaline kicks in, and once the adrenaline kicks in on a guy who's won a gold medal, he's got a lot of adrenaline. And when that kicks, it kicks. And so you can go to ancarolla.com and take a look at it, but I'll just show you. Beautiful day. Sun shining. We are going around Shoreline, going around the hairpin in front of Shoreline. And you see. Well, you'll see the pace car pull off to the right. You can turn it up if you want. And you see the pace car in front. And now. All right, it's going to let us bunch up as we go around the thing. And he's gone. They're both gone. And now Melanie's gone, too. And I'm in last place. And when I say last place, I'm talking about for the entire race. I'll take you through a lap of this thing. So now I'm thinking to myself, awesome. Melanie's two seconds a lap slower than we are. Those guys are faster than I am, and she's gonna block me from getting to them. Even if I could get to them, what we have is a slower person in between two fast people which are now gonna break away. And this is the exact scenario that I didn't want to happen. I was like, I'm starting in third place. I just have to stay in front of Melanie. But something happened going around the hairpin that I'll show you about in a second. So this is going into turn five, where you run over these rumble strips that they tell you not to run over. Now, to be on the racing line, you got to be against the wall. That's the whole thing. You go swing out 4 or 5 inch from the wall, swing in, almost clip that wall, and then this is the only corner you don't fully swing it out. So the pros are in last, and I'm in dead last. And we're literally going to pass Wanda Sykes in the first lap.

[Brian Bishop]

That was my first question. Who's the first celebrity to get laps?

[Adam Carolla]

Wanda Sykes in the first lap with a 30 second deficit is getting passed. So here's where you can see the crowd now. Once someone gets in front of you.

[Brian Bishop]

They'Re in white cars and you're in red cars. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

We're done.

[Allison Rosen]

Now. You pulled in front of Melanie.

[Adam Carolla]

I got in front of Melanie, but I still got the super fast guys. You can see the crowd, and you see the whole. So now you're coming around the hairpin, and you go right back into the front of Shoreline where the race began. All right, let's go through the gears. What the hell you're probably doing about. I don't know what you're doing. I never looked at my speedometer once, but maybe 110, 115at the end of Shoreline. So I have the hyper vigilance. So I have my rituals. And it's mainly practical. Like, I wear a full face helmet so I can't drink my water bottle. And you get like cottonmouth because your adrenaline's going and everything and nerves and everything. So I chew gum. So I'll have my gum and I'll have my water bottle that I'll suck off of just before I put my helmet on. And then I'll make sure windshield clean. Everything super clean. And then the other thing I'm weird about is the seat and the harness. I have to have my harness sucked down really tight. It's sort of like playing basketball in a pair of shoes that aren't tied or something. Your foot. You don't want to be.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't want to move around. You want to wiggle around.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to slide around in your own seat. And it's also dangerous. So I wear a Hans device, a head neck restraint thing that's attached to my helmet that the shoulder harness goes over. And what you'll see me doing or what you won't see me doing. But when I'm driving on the Parade lap. I'll be pushing myself back into my seat, pulling, tugging down my straps, tugging everything, pulling those, Trying to tighten it as much as trying to suck myself back in the seat. I drove this car in Willow Springs for two days. I drove it at this track for three days. I did tens of laps in this car. I don't know if you say tens, but it wasn't dozens of laps in this car. The thing is, once you get your seat set where you want it set, and you get your steering wheel set where you want it set, you don't touch it, because now it's set how you want it set. Your seat belt, your harness, set, everything. Get into the car, do two parade laps, start coming around the hairpin to begin the race, and watch what my seat does now. Just turning into the hairpin. Here we go. We're going to start the race. The seat falls back now, Adam. Now the race started. I'm in last place, and Adam is, you'll see, frantically trying to get his. In between shifts, trying to get a stupid seat in place. Because when the seat falls back, the harnesses are loose and I'm driving in a weird position. Why did my seat fall back for no fucking reason?

[Brian Bishop]

It looked like when. Like a plane that the seat doesn't lock forward.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now you see me going 100 miles an hour with one hand in. In between downshifting, trying to get the fucking seat back up into place. And now I'm going around the hair, around the fountain, and all that kind of stuff. As soon as I hit some more, straightaway, you'll find me trying to get the fucking seat back up again. And I'm thinking, I've never fucked with the seat before. Like the recline part of the seat, so I don't know where the handle is. And I'm just reaching around, going, every time there's 100 foot of straightaway, I'm like, where's the seat thing? Where's the seat thing? Now I'm trying my left hand. Fucking awesome. And I'm well in last place. So I'm like, well, at least I have my excuse worked out for why I lost this race. I remember thinking at the time, here I go, reaching for my seat. Reaching. Fucking find a fucking seat.

[Brian Bishop]

The visor on your helmet is up. Is that. Does it have to be there? Can you take it off.

[Adam Carolla]

When you race? They'll tell you to put it down if you're racing vintage. And then I put it up because my glasses will fog over because my head's Too hot otherwise. But yeah, no. So anyway, you get the idea. The point is the fucking seat. Why now? I've driven the car a million times. The seats never moved. I didn't touch anything. I'm going as slow as I'm ever going to go on that track. Just walking around this hairpin, literally going 15 miles an hour. And it's literally a second and a half before the race begins. And the thing pops back like. Like, it's like some. Some cosmic fucking force was fucking with me. That's. That's what it felt like. It was like steep. Popped. I was going, what? Shit. Oh, we're gone. The race. Race is gone. All right. You can also. You can see. So wait, so how did.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell us about how you won.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Well, thank you, baby. First I got Tyler at the end. First I got Melanie at the end of wherever you saw me get her.

[Allison Rosen]

There's how you pull past.

[Adam Carolla]

But then I had the two faster guys in front of me who qualified faster than me. So it's on, it's charted. It's on record that they're faster than me. So I wasn't quite sure how I was going to get to them. Andy got past Tyler and at a certain point at the end of Shoreline, I got Tyler. You can take a look at that. This is probably the fast. This is the fastest part of the course. So you're probably doing maybe 110 one something there. And now you got to make a decision. Are you going sliding in? But you got to brake late. And I'm going for a non pro car there too. And I had to drive up on the curb, but that was him. Jeff. No tail, buddy. Remember the tail part? All right, Fox, we'll fix that in post. Okay. Anyway, yeah. And then at a certain point, it was just me and crazy Andy Bell. And I knew Andy was nuts because he's in the Nitro Circus and because he has. Also one of the things he has a Guinness world record for is flipping a Big wheel. He actually took a big wheel 25ft in the air and did a full flip on it on a Big Wheel. So this guy, and he's Canadian, so he's fucking nuts. He's nicest guy in the world, but he's nuts. He also took a rocket powered Big wheel into like a. Into a pit. I mean, you can. Like I said the Nitro Circus thing. If you want to see him flip a big wheel 20ft in the air, it's nuts. But this is a guy who thought it was a good Idea to sit on a big wheel and go about 40, 50 miles an hour.

[Brian Bishop]

That's like a tricycle. That's like a trike.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a big wheel. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought there was some big wheel vehicle I didn't know about in this nitrous.

[Allison Rosen]

Little kid's big wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like a little kid's big wheel. He just took 40ft in the air upside down. He's nuts. So I said there's going to be no passing him in a clean way. He's a dirt bike racer. He's going to try anything he can try. And this is what happened with him about lap number five. He was in the lead. I was in second place. Now it's us turning. Turn it up, please. This is us turning onto the back straight.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Take that, Jeremy Sisto.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, rewind it a second here, because I'll show you. What Sisto does is he gets out of shape. When you take a corner and you get out of shape. He got out of shape. You watch him there, and he got out of shape. And once you lose just any momentum at all. Because cars are all the same speed. Not Jeremy Sisto doesn't have it planted like I have it planted, too. So now he's blocking me. He's blocking me. He's trying to block me. And at the very end, he goes, I'm done blocking. I'm gonna set up for this turn. But he ran out of. There was a nice. I heard a crunch. And when I heard the crunch, I was like, all right, he's out.

[Brian Bishop]

He went into the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Ellis]

Bad times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was him in the.

[Brian Bishop]

Without a frame, just as it happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Went into the wall, and there was a palpable. Just sort of a crunch sound that I heard. And I remember going, okay, he won't. I mean, not. No. Yeah. I was happy. I was happy. Well, he was blocking me, you know, so he blocked me, and then he went to the wall. So once I hear.

[Allison Rosen]

You knew it was yours.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because I knew Tyler was still really fast and he'd be gaining on me, and he was. But I was able to hold him off and win the pro category. And then the victory lapse is the fucking greatest four minutes of your goddamn life. Because everyone is. Everyone's there, and you just. You're so fucking pent up. It's not that day. It's a month. You know, it's all. You get there. You know, you get there. It's, you know, eight in the morning, everyone's pacing Around. It's just living with each other. Driver's meetings. Here's the victory in the victory lap here. So it's one more time. Try not to hit the wall. Mark Steines in front of me. Don't get greedy. No need to pass him because just need to win the pro division. That was it. The race overall would be excellent, but not that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, this is like your home run trot. This is like a home run trot on a walk off homer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. First thing you gotta do is get that window. Get the window net down. Except for I realize you have to pull it, get it out, and then hand out the window. And then everyone just screams at you from the crowd and it's just fucking.

[Brian Bishop]

It's pretty sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know what happened to the sound on this. Oh, yeah, you can hear it. Yeah. Turn up a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

You're doing a thumbs up.

[Adam Carolla]

You do the mahalo thing a lot. You know, the hang loose, shock a bra thing. I don't know why that's the corner workers thing. But you'll see. And we'll come around the crowd here for a second. But Yeah, I know. Adamcaroll.com you can check it out. All right. You can just let it run. You can turn it down. We'll have a little fun. All right. So big win. And it may be the last year they do it. I don't know if they're gonna. They're gonna do.

[Allison Rosen]

Is not sponsoring it anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And had a great moment with my daughter this morning. I'll tell you, one of the nicest moments for me was you go up, you do the whole champagne, squirt the champagne on each other. Rutledge Wood, who's the nicest guy in the world, won the celebrity part of the race. So that was absolutely awesome. And then there's a part at the very end when you come up and you talk to Steve Hartman and you address the crowd that gathers underneath there like we talked about, like sort of Mussolini, Hitler s style, with a lesson of agenda. Not a little less agenda. An agenda, but a lesser agenda. So I did it last year and won it. And I looked in the crowd, I saw Sonny and I gave the. And he gave the. And he jumped up on me and I took him up the stairs and we stood up there together and it was just a real deal. Touching moment for me as a father. But I told my daughter last year, you coming? And she's like, nah, take the boy. Which is, you know, maybe she's having a bad Hair day. But it's very.

[Allison Rosen]

I understand that.

[Adam Carolla]

Uncharacteristic for her this time. I said, if I win. And I'm not. But if I win, I'm taking both you up there with me. And I took them both up there with me, and it was sweet. Although it's a year later. Daddy's a year weaker.

[Allison Rosen]

They're a heavier.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was only able to hold them at the beginning part, and then I had to fucking set them down.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine if this does continue and they're like 15.

[Adam Carolla]

And Sonny's morbidly obese. He's using a stroke cane, and I have to hoist him up there. But there's a picture, at least from behind of us on the podium getting ready to address the super, super fun crowd. That came out also later on. It was funny because this morning I was good and hungover. My daughter said to me, daddy, you're the only person that's won the celebrity and the pro division in history. I said, yeah, I think. I'm not sure it's either me and one other guy or me. But anyway, she said, yeah. She said, that's. You're the. So you're the best, whatever. And I said, yeah, thanks. And she said, how about Obama? Did he win the celebrity? She has to look through things through the eyes of a child. Like, Obama's the number one celebrity in the country, according to her, and many adults as well. But he's like the number one celebrity, you know, so. And since it's a celebrity race, everyone's all celebrities are thus forced to do it. You know, it's mandate, or they'll pull your celebrity, they'll pull your SAG card, you know. So she said, well, what about Obama? Did he win two in a row? And I said, no, he didn't win two in a row. He didn't do it and he didn't win it. And she said, well, maybe you should be the president.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of people feel that way.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I like the way you're thinking. Yeah, except for Corny, you're thinking, Dick Trickle would have been the president 18 years ago and Buddy Baker would have been the president before him. And Richard Petty and Willie T. Ribs. I know it sounds racist. He would have been the first black president and the first black NASCAR great.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a trailblazer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's his name. Willie T. Ribbs. Everyone thinks I'm making it up. That makes you racist. All right, so just a goddamn incredible weekend, and here's what an insufferable ass wipe I am. My feeling of them never doing the 37 years and stopping the celebrity race versus, well, I guess. I guess the last two years would end with my name. So that's kind of cool. And another one is, wait a minute, do I get to do it next year? Because I don't know what the rules are for that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, how would you race? Like, which category would you be in next time?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, definitely being the pro. But you don't get to come back if you win as a pro. But it's. Anyway, there's some gray area. And then the next one is. It's such a cool tradition and it raises so much money for the kids and the hospitals and all that kind of stuff. But as I pointed out to fucking Rutledge Wood, who's the greatest guy in the world, he won the People magazine poll award of $15,000, which is funny. As he was making his acceptance speech, you got to be careful when you name your publication People. Because he goes, I really want to thank people. Could you be more vague, Rutledge? What people? Could you even pick a color or nationality? How about name your parents or your agent? I mean, could you imagine accepting the Academy Award? I'd like to thank people. I want all the people, persons and things, flora and fauna. Yeah. So it's weird when you name people. It's probably worse when you name us and you have to get up there or Times. Yeah, Times. Boy, this guy's getting heavy now.

[Brian Bishop]

Life would be mind blown. Life would be the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all fucking bad names for acceptance. Yeah, yeah. That's why I like Milkin and Poppin. Because when they hand out the big foam core checks, you know, specifically what you're talking about? You know what I'm saying? So he thanked People and he won $15,000 for his very worthy charity. I've won the race twice. Won 5,000 last year and 5,000 this year for my charity. So I said, rutledge, you won from people 15 grand. I've won two times where I've won 10 grand as my collective purse for the thing, which seems a little off, but so be it. Catholic big brothers look out. Getting another 3,300 coming from the ace, man. Hey, I gotta fucking wet my beak. I'm tired of this shit. And then I gotta drive out to, you know, Torrance to make the presentation. I mean, it's a fucking hassle, dude.

[Brian Bishop]

You'Re a 501C me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, so fun, fun, fun weekend and thanks all that sent the nice tweets and came out and did all that kind of, that kind of good stuff. Had a good time. Oh, and the Toyota Facebook misspelled my name. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, it's us spraying the champagne and me chugging off the bottle. And there's my name misspelled. It couldn't be a race without my name being misspelled somewhere. It's spelled five different times on my car. If you show a picture of my car, it's no, no, not five different ways. It's all over the side of my car and it's all over. It's on my helmet, it's on my, my race suit. It's Corolla, C A R. Like huge black letters on the fenders, on the bumpers. Like it's just everywhere in the car. I don't know how it happens.

[Brian Bishop]

How there's no way that 19 year old social media director college student was even there at the race. They're probably at Coachella putting it from their phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Probably just sucked off Matt and finished like a peyote bar. All right, GoDaddy.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, your boss won.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a sponsor, GoDaddy, making a website for your wedding hobby blog, podcast. You need a new domain name. With GoDaddy, it's only 99 cents for one new transferred.com can be new or transferred. Get that dot com. Less than a buck for a whole year. Then the a few more dot coms after that purchase are just $9.99. So well under 10 bucks. Dramatically under $10. Each new domain name comes with a free one page website, personalized email photo album and 3010 customer support. That's right. We're rounding up, baby. We're going big. Just enter Adam9nine at checkout or click the GoDaddy [e-mail]. that's Adam, the number nine and the number [e-mail] and what can I say? Great times. Yes, Brian, you want to do the.

[Brian Bishop]

Oblivion or you want to wait on that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's do a little. Let's do a little film review with Paul Bryan. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue before you spend bucks. Remember his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers to hooray for body war.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, I did see Oblivion this weekend. You had mentioned before the show started you want to see it today?

[Adam Carolla]

I love any of the Thing of, you know, this was giant Stadium. This is the Pentagon, the crater in the middle of it.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a lot of that. They even show the old Pentagon all burnt out.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. And I do that thing where I turn on HBO and they do. And now a special, the Making of Oblivion. And you go, and you go, oh, oh, cool. That'll be cool. Oblivion. I think I said Oblivia. And I turn on. But they show Tom Cruise and then the director's yelling cut. And you're like, ah, you're kind of busting down the wall.

[Brian Bishop]

See a lot of green.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you seen the Book of Eli? It's a post apocalyptic. That was a good rental. And there's a little bit of this in that movie. This obviously stars Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kirilenko, who took over the role from Jessica Chastain, who dropped out to do Zero Dark Thirty, Andrea Riseborough and Melissa Leo, who is the Oscar winner for the Fighter. She was the mom and the Fighter. And this is directed by Joseph Kaczynski, who did Tron Legacy. I did not see. I don't know if any of you guys saw that, but I did not see Tron Legacy. The plot has elements of, like I said, the Book of Eli. There's a little bit of I am Legend in there for obvious reasons. There's a little bit of. I don't know if you saw or even heard of a very small movie called Moon with Sam Rockwell. It's a really good movie. Really small movie, came out a few years ago. But there's a lot of plot elements from that in this. The first half of this movie is kind of slow. I actually film myself looking at my watch, my iPhone and thinking, this movie's taking a while to get going. Once it does get going, the second half's a lot better. A couple interesting plot twists in the third act. It's a decently written movie, which is more than you can say for a lot of these sort of sci fi, you know, summer action movies. It's smart, the main plot hole. So the movie takes place in 2077, which is only 65 years in the future. Yet the technology is so wildly advanced, like it's wildly advanced, that it bumped me several times. Like, you look back 65 years from now, about 1950. Guns are still more or less the same. Cars are still look like cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, first off, I'm just doing some math. That'll be my 52nd Toyota Pro win by then.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not taking the years off.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yourself. Racing into my hundreds. Yes. It's one of these things. You take something like doors and hinges. Hinges used to be made of leather, but basically the door has been around for 2,000 years. And the front door on your house is no different than the front door of, like, any castle. It's not as nice. Yours is hollow corn piece of shit. But the point is this. It's no different. The door to this studio fundamentally, is exactly the same as a door 500 years ago and maybe 500 years before that. So 50 years, everything being an aperture, and nobody wearing denim. The lack of denim always bothers me. No one's wearing jeans. Everyone's wearing jeans. You know, look, since 1849, like, Levi Strauss, like, had to make jeans for the gold miners. And they've been around for 150 years.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened? Did aliens come and steal our jeans?

[Adam Carolla]

The next movie should be about who stole the denim, who stole the jeans. Yes, because it's conspicuous. How absent it is. All you have to do is jump ahead, like, 14 years, and there's not a fucking shred of denim. And don't believe me. Hold on, Brian. I know you're viewing a movie, but we have assholes walking around all day long, and they're fucking, like, rockabilly bullshit. Like, they're driving around Mercury's and they're dressed in, like, the four stray cat and all that. They're trapped in, like, 1959. So in 2055, why can't there be someone trapped in 1989? You know? They're gonna be assholes who are trapped in 2010 who are wearing fucking denim. No one's gonna go, we are going to dress the exact same. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure there'll still be people who are trapped in 1950. Then. Space greasers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, space greasers. I'd rent that. It's a rental. Now there's gonna be old dudes walking around and just beat up cardigans.

[Brian Bishop]

Cause that's what old dudes do in your next movie. In the movie you're doing, you should pitch a scene where you're pitching to a studio onto a movie, a futuristic movie about jeans. Like, ooh, jeans splicing. And they're creating new races.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Acid wash. Acid wash, yeah. And this. Yeah. There's an evil robot called super denim that's stealing all the reinforced knees.

[Brian Bishop]

Jay Renault plays them.

[Adam Carolla]

It's who stole the jean, who stole the denim and the hinges. Because that's the next thing it doesn't. Because everything's an airlock, everything's an aperture, everything slides and anyone knows a pocket door doesn't work anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

But all right, they kind of explained why. They kind of lent us half hearted explanation but it's not satisfying and it bumped me for a lot of the movie. However, it's only getting about 59% on rotten tomatoes, which puts it on 1% down on the rotten. 60% is the rotten to fresh. And I think it maybe feels a little low. This is an okay movie. It's maybe about a B minus or a B.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not bad.

[Brian Bishop]

Tom Cruise has a pretty solid batting average as a leading man. Most of his movies are good, right? He's had a few stinkers lately. But that said, this is kind of like a bloop single for Tom Cruise. It moves the runners along.

[Adam Carolla]

But single, not, not a double leg out. A double.

[Brian Bishop]

It moves the runners along.

[Adam Carolla]

B minus doesn't feel like a bloop single. That feels like you standing on second base.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, he advanced on the throw. He advanced on the throw to third base to try and get the lead runner. There's a runner on first so he.

[Adam Carolla]

Stretched it in outfielder one after the guy was trying to get to third and he made it into second.

[Brian Bishop]

So we stand in on second base scoring position. Okay, that said, well made. Couple interesting twists. A good way to waste a summer afternoon. See Moon. That's the movie I recommend. You should rent that. You would like Moon with Sam Rockwell, a lot of the same plot elements. Small movie a couple years ago, really good. See Moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, thanks for that Baldbri. Hooray. All righty. By the way, going in the race, I was last in the celebrity odd department or the pro odds department at 14 to 1.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, fuck them.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know why they do it.

[Brian Bishop]

Did anyone bet on you that you know of? That'd be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I almost bet on me and somebody tweeted me the Friday, the day before. They said, they said you're 14 to 1. What do you think? And I thought I'm not that bad. Like I'm better than that. And I said, I tweeted the guy back that said, he said, should I bet on you? And I said absolutely at 14:1, I'd put 100 bucks on me. Yeah. But then I realized, and then I tweet him back again. I don't want him to lose his money. That 14 to 1 I think was to win the overall race, which I could not win at a 30 second dip disadvantage if it was 141 just to win the pro category. I would bet on. But I think it was to win the overall race. I think that's what, that's what I was.

[Allison Rosen]

What was the time difference ultimately between you and the person who won the overall race?

[Adam Carolla]

I gained. It's hard to tell how late we started. I'm saying we. I mean them. I know I started later than everybody's. My fucking seat fell backward and they took off early. But, but if I got, if they worked it out right where I was at a 30 second disadvantage and it could have been less. I ended up being 10 or 12, 12 seconds or something off the lead. So I made up maybe 15 seconds, but I couldn't make up 30 seconds. It's a 10 lap race. You'd have to be really fast and they'd have to be really slow to make that up. But anyway, so yeah, went from the clutches of despair to the heights of elation in just about 18 and a half minutes. All right, let's do this. Let's see. Mark Ellis is here from Schmoes. Knows he's going to talk some movies with us. We're going to do some news. I'm going to give you a little love to one of our sponsors. Stamps.com small business. You don't want to be going to the post office. Waste of time. I just. To me, the sort of post office is the mail equivalent to the dmv. It's just sort of like what are we doing here? People have to go. Are we getting.

[Brian Bishop]

You have to go once in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to. But it's like, what are we really getting done here? You don't need it anymore. Stamps.com by the way, in the future, there's no denim, there's no hinges, there's no post office. It's stamps.com?

[Brian Bishop]

What a utopia.

[Adam Carolla]

Did Tom Cruise use stamps.com? 24 7. Access to all the services the post office has right from your desk. You can print official U.S. postage from your own computer. Spend your time growing your business instead of waiting in line at the post office and they got a deal. You get the free scale and 55 bucks worth of free postage only if you enter Adam. Go to stamps.com now. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Adam. That is stamps.com promo code. Adam. Okay, quick break and then we'll talk about all these summer movies. Iron Man 3. Interested? Fast and Furious. Moist. The Great Gatsby. Cannot say I'm familiar with this new.

[Brian Bishop]

Baz Luhrmann movie.

[Adam Carolla]

The Wrestler. All Right. Anyway, we'll talk to Schmo's know Mark Ellis. Next, let's check Adam's voicemail. Brought to you by Evoice. Evoice, the reason you'll make more money in 2013. Hey, Ace, man, speaking of driving, what do you think about these gaping vaginas that stop when an ambulance is coming? When there's a median in between you and the ambulance? Big, big vaginas. This is adog.

[Mark Ellis]

I'm out.

[Adam Carolla]

It's your last chance to try eVoice. Free for 6 months now to the end of the month. Get your six month free trial at evoice.com promo code ADAM or click the evoice banner at adamcorola.com says ambulance like Rosie Perez.

[Allison Rosen]

And I like that a gaping vagina is necessarily worse. Like, what if. Like, what do you think of these tight vaginas we see on the.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's weird because your asshole puckers, but your vagina is gaping. In or out, which is it? Good to see you, Mark.

[Mark Ellis]

Good to be back, boys. Sorry. And girls, sorry, my partner Christian can't be here. He is at his new daughter's baptism ceremony tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

That's such bullshit, man.

[Mark Ellis]

That's what I said. He chose Jesus over Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Mark Ellis]

And I said, look, they're both good carpenters.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mark Ellis]

They have wine there. You have Mangria here. I chose the Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart, shrewd. And let me say this, the two things I realized that don't bode well. There's a couple sayings where you go, like, I'll see you in hell, which means. Oh, means you'll be there first. Or I'll be there first. Either way, we're both going to hell.

[Mark Ellis]

I'll see you in hell means I will already be there. And I will have. Like, I'll set up some stuff for you. Like, you're going to hell first.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's why I do it. It's wordy. But I'm like, I'll see you in hell through a porthole with super thick glass from an air conditioned. Nice, like. Like a love. Love seat, love chair, like sofa. You know what I mean? And I'll be eating. Yeah, it's wordy. Yeah, but it paints a better picture. It's hard to yell, like out of a moving car, but seeing you in hell doesn't sound good.

[Mark Ellis]

And I'll wave to you in hell.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll wave to you.

[Mark Ellis]

I'll wave to you in hell.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but that's my perch. Air conditioned. And Where?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Ellis]

But you can't say, I'll wave you from heaven because you need to hit hell. Needs to headline that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? The other one is, don't bullshit a bullshitter. It's like, so you're the first. Like, you're better bullshitter than me. And what are you saying? Bullshitting is bad because you've made it a way of life, evidently.

[Mark Ellis]

Were you hanging out with, like, 80s cops all week? That's exactly what you get.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

[Mark Ellis]

I got the DA on my ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, your mouth is right. In checks your ass can't cash. I love.

[Mark Ellis]

Oh, $48,000 in property damage.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the mayor, the DA and the city council up my ass. And the Pope's coming into town next week. Hell, no, you're not. You're on garbage detail. You hear me? Hand in your badge.

[Mark Ellis]

Traffic duty is always the good. When I have kids, God forbid that ever happens, I'm gonna threaten them with traffic duty.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna bust you down to traffic duty. You'll be a desk jockey when I'm done with you. Now get out of here before I lift your shield. Shield. All right, so Mark Ellis here. You can [e-mail] to schmoznow. We can talk. That's K N, O, W. Oblivion. We already got that. Do you agree with Walt Bryan's review on that?

[Mark Ellis]

He gave it a blooper single, if I'm not mistaken.

[Adam Carolla]

And off is B minus, though.

[Mark Ellis]

I feel like B minus sounds like you legged out a double. It's a sliding double in my opinion. On my scale, and I'm going to give it in baseball terms a balk. Oh, because the pitcher flinched, and so it got on base, but just barely.

[Allison Rosen]

What would you give it in baseball terms?

[Adam Carolla]

He moved. He got on base. Or he advanced the base. He.

[Mark Ellis]

He got to take his base that he earned because the pitcher balked In.

[Brian Bishop]

A balk, you don't really get taken.

[Mark Ellis]

So you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't. Wait a second.

[Mark Ellis]

If the pitcher balks, then everybody advances.

[Brian Bishop]

A base except the batter, who's still at bat.

[Mark Ellis]

Is he still at bat?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think so.

[Mark Ellis]

This is why I never play.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then I'm definitely gonna say for.

[Mark Ellis]

The Orioles, it's a bach. It's not a good. The way we. We rate things are on the scale of schmoes, which is one to five. And so we're accredited with rotten tomatoes. We're certified on their. So we kind of help determine whether something's fresh or not. I gave it 2.9 out of 5 schmoes. Because I liked it enough to where I can't quite give it fresh.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So it's. Exactly. Basically, it's 2.9 on rotten tomatoes.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah. Which means it's 58% on their 59 or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Ellis]

See, I'm better at math than I'm at baseball terminology.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you for giving a hammer a good review. I'm this close to fresh. By the way, I have a couple reviews.

[Brian Bishop]

Certified fresh.

[Adam Carolla]

Certified fresh. Yeah, I'm fresh. It's the certified fresh part. Iron Man 3.

[Mark Ellis]

Iron Man 3 coming out in a couple weeks. That's really the kickoff of the summer season. Like, Oblivion is like, hey, it's Tom Cruise. It's the future. There's no denim. It's exciting, but it's not quite getting to the. Iron Man 3 is the announcement that the summer movie season is here. And it looks awesome from the trailers. It looks incredible. It looks like it's back to what the original one was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, Robert Downey definitely brings it. He's just such a great. I mean, you know, there's certain guys where you go, you could unplug this guy and plug in that guy, but he's so such a charismatic guy, such a smart actor, and just whatever role he plays.

[Mark Ellis]

Oh, I could watch him just mowing his lawn for two hours, you know, and you hope you get more than that in this movie. And it looks like there is maybe somebody dies in this movie. That's what the trailer kind of looks like to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know the gay term. Mowing his lawn. I'm sorry, I'm not a Hollywood.

[Mark Ellis]

That's not that involved. He can mow his lawn, then go to vagina. There's no cock involved with Tony Stark.

[Adam Carolla]

So he, you know, the first one was great because it had all the buildup and all the how it worked and all that kind of stuff. And then the second one did what I believe. It's why Mexico's shitty at desserts. They just go, what's the best thing about a dessert? Sugar. All right, we'll triple it. And now we'll pour it in the shape of a cactus. And you don't really have a good dessert.

[Mark Ellis]

Let's take the first Iron man and deep fry it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what it is. And pump it full of nougat so you have too much action. And that's the mistake because we need a little foreplay and a little build up. The first one had it started off with action, but Then had a nice build as he was literally building the suit. And a lot of comedy moments and stuff. And then they always don't look. Whether it's Jaws or any sequel to anything. Alien. Aliens, whatever. They. Oh, the problem with aliens, which is good aliens, is great, but there's too many aliens. You don't have the relationship with the one evil, you know, antagonist.

[Mark Ellis]

They're everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you took scary about the first.

[Mark Ellis]

Movie, and you kill that thing in the first 10 minutes, and then there's just a bunch of them. But the way sequels work is when everybody gets stripped down. Like the Empire Strikes Back, it's really dark. It's a scarier tone. Or the Dark Knight, something like that, where there's something more menacing in the hero falls.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Ellis]

It looks like he's fallen in this one that he's gonna have to recover. So there's that scene of him dragging the suit through the snow.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Ellis]

And that looks cool.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Great Gatsby.

[Mark Ellis]

Great Gatsby is. It's in 3D.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Because I'm in a mood to be swept away.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, you will be, Adam, because it's Baz Luhrmann, the guy who did Chicago and Australia. Just these big sweeping epics. He's a very stylistic kind of guy. So. Yeah. Moulin Rosin. It's like you. You look at this, and it's like, oh, my God. I read the Cliffs Notes. The Great Gad. The Great Gatsby in high school, you know, And I got a B on the. I got. Probably got in Oblivion on the test. And now they have these great party scenes, and it looks like it's gonna be that kind of same style, but you don't have a musical number every five minutes. Hopefully you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Ellis]

Maybe you do, but it doesn't. I don't know if it's gonna click for me. Feels like it's gonna be like three hours. So it's gonna be like two pee breaks.

[Adam Carolla]

Superman.

[Mark Ellis]

That's very exciting. That trailer looks awesome. Man of Steel comes out in new.

[Adam Carolla]

New Superman.

[Mark Ellis]

It's a new Superman. Dude. He's British. He's a British dude. Adam. He sounds. He sounds American. Well, he sounds from whatever planet he's from, you know, in the trailer. And in real life, he just started dating Gina Carano, so that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

MMA fighter or X?

[Mark Ellis]

Well, now she's kind of an actress.

[Adam Carolla]

Sports actress.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah. She's in the new fast and. Fast and furious fight scene.

[Adam Carolla]

What? And so Superman. Good. We think it's gonna be good.

[Mark Ellis]

I think it's gonna be great. That could be the movie this summer, could be the biggest moneymaker, and it could revitalize the franchise because DC needs something good, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Directed by Zack Snyder, who did 300, which is, yeah, fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Superman to me is sort of like, as much as you may hate the Yankees, I don't like to see him out of the playoffs for 10 years. You know, I just feel like it's baseball, it's like it's good for the sport, you know, I'm not even a comic book nerd, but I don't want to see Superman get kicked around, you know?

[Mark Ellis]

No, I think a lot of people felt that way about Superman Returns is like Superman Returns was like the Lakers limping into the playoffs this year as the eighth seed. It's good to see him back in theaters, but it's probably not going to be around that long. This one looks like his. Christopher Nolan is the producer. And he also revitalized Batman totally and made that.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it. You know what I love about Superman is at some point in the middle, act three, when he gets hurt, it gets exposed to kryptonite or something. But he still has to lift a continent. But unfortunately he's diminished his power. So he's really got to dig deep. There's like a lot like, here we go, Asia.

[Brian Bishop]

He somehow finds the strength.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like if he was in 100%, no problem. Taking that continent off the plate, the tectonic plate of this shelf, of the mantle of the United of the globe and lifting it up to outer space. That's a no brainer. That's a three foot putt. But he's been weakened, so now he's got to dig deep. Like he's taking a shit or squatting or whatever. And it's like, I don't know how it works because I don't think it's. It's weird when Superman grunts.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah. Seeing him strain at all. You worry about the man.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he. Point is, is he flies. Cause he can fly. He doesn't flap his arms. No, that'd be like. But he doesn't go like, hey, I'm flying. So he just flies, right?

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he just does things that are impossible, like breathes where there's no atmosphere and things like that. So if you're just gonna go ahead and lift up the island of Maui, I don't think grunting is gonna do the trick. It's not. Well, it's not about your quads.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but you could throw his back out if he lifted it right?

[Henry Bushkin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, bend at the knees but get a hernia. He flies without moving his arms. So why is he grunting when he's lifting?

[Mark Ellis]

He just needs. But he needs to put on, like, the Rocky IV soundtrack, you know, before he tries to lift a continent. When he's been exposed to kryptonite.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Ellis]

It's a gimme. If not, I'm really. I think Lois Lane is very happy that he doesn't flap his arms when he tries to fly, because that's not the romantic flight. You know, there's always that. That scene in the movie when he's, like, taking her around New York City tour that no earthly man can ever give you. It's probably a smoother ride if you're not flapping your wings.

[Adam Carolla]

They do not seem sufficiently scared and. Or cold.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, first off, they're worried about their hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I turn. Yeah, I turn the fucking ceiling fan on if it's cooler than 73 degrees outside. I hear this from my wife and she's buried under a quilt, you know, it's like, that's the ceiling fan. Yeah. He's going 140 miles an hour and he's up at 15,000ft. You know, that that's some cool air.

[Mark Ellis]

And he's got nothing to give her. He can't be a gentleman and give her his jacket? He's just got a cape and he needs that.

[Adam Carolla]

So they never do the. Like, they get over the part. Like, they're scared. Like, okay, I picked you up by the waist. And we're just pushing ourself off the Sears Tower now. So their first beat is like, what the. And then four seconds later, they're completely acclimated. Like, they're just relax. Hey, that's my dad's old house. I think they'd be like, are you sure about this fucking flying thing? And how come you can fly for two of us? I mean, you can. Obviously you could. How's this working? Hey, don't pick your nose, because I'm dropping and I'm fucking freezing up here. And yeah, my hair's a mess.

[Mark Ellis]

It's a quick turnaround to trust an alien that quickly.

[Henry Bushkin]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I have a question for you, though. Mark, you said that he needs his cape. But why, really?

[Mark Ellis]

Because it looks cool. Like, I don't think there's any actual physical property with it. And maybe there's a comic book series when there is.

[Brian Bishop]

Get ready for the nerdy males.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah, I know. Because it looks great when it's offset with blue. It's a neat looking cape. But I mean, the thing about, like, this looks like a darker kind of Superman, though, where the. Where the earthlings don't trust him. So maybe in this one, Lois Lane isn't ready to take that leap.

[Adam Carolla]

It's dark. Yeah. Good. Thank you. That's what I want. And like I said, I want him struggling with his sexuality. I want him crying when someone flips him off in traffic. That's the Superman I went. Speaking of cape, I got stoned with Jeff Ross last night, and we talked about him wearing a cape. Seriously, for hour and 10 minutes.

[Mark Ellis]

Could you guys come up with a reason for it? With some sort of necessity, I said.

[Adam Carolla]

The way to do the cape. I've been trying to convince him that a cape is his thing, you know, I mean, like, there's just like.

[Allison Rosen]

It's kind of. I could really see him in a cape.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Bud Freeman's got the monocle, you know, and then you work it into the little caricature. Your little thing when you sign, you know your name, you put the little cape thing, you know, Jay Leno do his jaw kind of thing with the thing. You do your thing. And I said, I said, jeff, you could pull this off. Like, I think you're maybe the one white guy that could pull this off. Because you dress at all the roast, you're always wearing something insane. But start wearing a cape. And I don't mean with your name in rainbow tape on the back. I just mean like a serious good day, sir kind of cape.

[Mark Ellis]

Ross could be a villain in a Superman movie where he's wearing a cape, too. And all he does is just roast the shit out of Superman.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Ellis]

He just makes him feel terrible about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Here comes no Chin with the attitude.

[Mark Ellis]

You can have any woman on earth you want, and you're taking the second hottest chick from the Daily Planet, right? Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

So that was an interesting conversation. And it was funny because his girl would, like, keep chiming in, like, it should be a red cape without him. Like, sweetie, sweetie, I'm talking capes. The men are talking, are talking about capes. It should be tasteful cape, you know, black or gray, either red or blue liner, but it should be serious cape, not a bullshit cape. And then when you do the roast, someone should remove it from you when you get up there.

[Mark Ellis]

Oh, yeah, do like a James Brown kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly, exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

There isn't really anyone who wears a serious cape these days.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he was explaining to me that he's a super rich guy. He knows in Manhattan that's like on the Forbes whatever. And he seriously wears a cape. And I said, well, okay, if there's only one other guy, you know, who does something and he's on the Forbes something, then go ahead and do it.

[Allison Rosen]

And so today, when you're not as stoned or stoned at all, you're totally standing by your idea 100%.

[Adam Carolla]

All my stoned ideas.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, you're not the guy. You have to be in a certain tax bracket to pull off a cape. And it's an elite. Oprah could wear a cape.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I had a. It's true. And she may. She probably would call the pashmina or something.

[Mark Ellis]

She probably has Stedman remove it before she takes the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

I got really stoned and convinced Jimmy that upon signing his ABC contract, he needed a Cadillac like old school, you know what I mean? Like Cadillac on signing. Like, remember when Cadillacs used to kind of be a currency, a kicker? Yeah. Like Elvis would buy guy Cadillac or a guy would go, I'll give you 100,000 and a brand new. Like if you sign a big contract, I'll bet you baseball contracts back in.

[Brian Bishop]

The day, Mickey Mantle got.

[Adam Carolla]

Came with a Cadillac. I was like, I got really stoned. I was like, you need a Cadillac, you gotta have a Cadillac with that thing. Give me a Cadillac. I mean money wise, you know, did.

[Mark Ellis]

He take it to the suits? Did he take it to the capes? I don't think the upper capes at.

[Adam Carolla]

Abc, I don't think he did. But if you really think about it, if you're talking about like a multi million dollar thing then, and it probably wasn't that big a multi million dollar thing back then, but a Cadillac, you know, 35k, 45k for a cheaper one. It's not like they're gonna buy the nicest one, you know. But no, no, but I do remember a.

[Mark Ellis]

We got you the shittiest Cadillac we could find. We got you 1987 Cadillac, three wheels.

[Adam Carolla]

Simaron. Yeah. Four banger. No, but I do remember from that conversation. I. Then I don't know if Jimmy was having much of it, but I went and found Snoop Dogg.

[Mark Ellis]

If you need to get high, you go to Snoop Dogg.

[Adam Carolla]

We were in the same place together. So I think that was probably the reason I was high. I think we were the Bishop. Don Magic Wan's apartment. He's one of the only guys who drives a. He drives a Rolls Royce but lives in an apartment mainly. You don't see those kind of cars parked on the street. In front of an apartment. But the Bishop Don Magic Wand does. And we. I told Snoop. This is where I sort of famously told Snoop, Jimmy needs a Cadillac if he's going to be signing that ABC contract. And he said, fuck that. Fuck Cadillac. And I said, why fuck Cadillac? And they just canceled his Snoop DeVille. You can go to AdamCroll.com if you want to see Bishop Don Magic Wands standing in front of the apartment I was in getting stoned. And by the way, just in case you're curious, green is for the money, gold is for the honey.

[Allison Rosen]

I was wondering.

[Adam Carolla]

His words shot a bit with him. And I said, you ever get pulled over for driving with an open chalice? And he didn't laugh at all.

[Mark Ellis]

Did he get it and just not like it or did he just not understand?

[Adam Carolla]

I've had that question for many people in my life regarding my sense of humor. But over his hat, I never stop and ask. I just hear the sound of one tongue not laughing and I move on.

[Mark Ellis]

My favorite story like that is Old Dirty bastard from the Wu Tang Clan. He took a limousine and got all his kids in there to go down to pick up to cash his check at a check cash in place.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Ellis]

He took a limo to cash his check? Not at a bank, at a check cash in place.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I hear it was a welfare check in a limo.

[Mark Ellis]

Welfare check in a limousine with his kids.

[Adam Carolla]

New leader in the clubhouse. We're definitely not at you. I was filmed for mtv. Yeah, we. So anyway, I told Snoop, you know, Jimmy needs a Cadillac. And he said, fuck Cadillac. And I said, why? And they said, they just canceled his Snoop Deville idea. They were gonna put out a Snoop Deville.

[Mark Ellis]

I thought they had like a, like a limited edition already.

[Adam Carolla]

They were going to. And then they got sane and said no. And he just said to me, and I remember it very well, he just went, fuck Cadillac. I'm taking this to gm. And I was like, well, GM owns Cadillac, but would you love to be at that meeting?

[Mark Ellis]

Just a bunch of old white guys in Cadillacs this 70 year old white guy's talking about. So he wants it Snoop Deville. And they're all talking and what's he do? He's a hip hopper.

[Adam Carolla]

Once they. Right, he's a rap maker. He's a famous rap maker. I'm sure what they did is they went, that's a cool idea. And then they just did like a Google image search of him, like in a kiddie pool filled with pot, you know, and just went like, oh, maybe this isn't the image we want to put forward.

[Mark Ellis]

That car would have come with a place to stash your weeds.

[Adam Carolla]

Abso fucking lutely. Dome light, no bulb in it, just unscrews.

[Mark Ellis]

Pops off one of those Han Solo compartments in the Millennium Falcon where the cops won't think they'll look.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know that reference.

[Mark Ellis]

Oh, he was a spice runner.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a. I got it.

[Mark Ellis]

Han Solo was a drug dealer.

[Adam Carolla]

Believe you me, I know. All right, last one. Elysium.

[Mark Ellis]

Elysium, yeah. We gotta wait all the way until August for that one.

[Adam Carolla]

What is this?

[Mark Ellis]

It's Neil Blomkamp. It's. He's the guy who did District 9. And it was like kind of a hyper realistic looking Alien movie where it was a little in the future, but people still wore denim. And Elysium looks like it's farther in the future. And it's very kind of a hush hush thing. But the trailer just came out for it. It's got Matt Damon and Jodie Foster and it looks pretty fantastic. August is a really lean month in the summer. Like, you shoot your wad in your Mays, your Junes, your Julys, and then Elysium is probably the last. The last ditch.

[Adam Carolla]

All I remember is my fucking entire life. My grandmother knew of this nudist camp in Topanga Canyon called Elysium. And she's my grandmother. She's like, just fuck with me, you know? I don't know what her fucking bag was all the time, but she's always just like.

[Allison Rosen]

She was a gaping vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

If she could make me feel uncomfortable, then that's what she would do, you know, and she's like, you should come up to Elysium this weekend. You know, all my old friends, you know, she ever. Old friends would like go up there.

[Henry Bushkin]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

There's this thing where it's like, oh, there's volleyball. It's like. First off, I never felt like these dolphin shorts are way too confining for me to hit a ball in. You know what I mean? I played football for 10 years. I put a helmet and pads on and run around. I don't feel confined. This idea that, oh, if only Michael Jordan could have played nude, you could have really seen him shine.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, certain things that are conducive to be nude and shitting.

[Adam Carolla]

Sand sports are not them. No. And the other thing about the nudist camp is it's not. It's not like the clientele's randomly selected. Like, I got to go around on a moped go. I'll go down to Will Rogers State beach and I'll go pluck out a few cooties and toss them up onto the mountain. No, no, no. These are old people who don't care what they look like naked. And they're running around with other old people who don't care what they look like naked. And I don't need that.

[Mark Ellis]

It's like nudist colonies. It's like the uglier you are, the more you want to be naked in public. And that's why they have nudist colony. Maybe it's a government thing where it's like, look, these people love being naked, but they're way too hideous to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Right beyond the wall. And then the opposite side of that coin is, oh, there's a super hot blonde chick who's 23, who's totally naked, who's. She's over there shooting caroms. And I'm looking up her snatch while she's bent over shooting the carom. There. Now I'm getting a boner. Now what? Like, what am I supposed to do? Dunk myself in the pool real quick, like, so there's no sexual interest? I like that thing. It's like. It's not a sexual thing. What are we doing here, people? What are we really doing here?

[Mark Ellis]

And that blonde will still yell at you. She'll say, hey, asshole, my eyes are up here. You're naked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm getting my balls sunburnt. I can't get fucking wood. Otherwise, no one seem like a weirdo. And I'm just like, Grandma digging one out of the dirt over there in a volleyball game. It's setting someone else.

[Mark Ellis]

Grandma was a digger.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So I was like, no, I don't want to. And she'd always be like. She'd always be like, henry and Gale are heading up there. And I'd be like, no, no.

[Mark Ellis]

See, I didn't know nudist colonies dated back that far. I mean, we knew the ancient Greeks were naked in the Olympics. And then I thought nudity kind of went away in public for a while, and then it seems like it came back in the. Was this.

[Adam Carolla]

Would this be.

[Mark Ellis]

Would her generation be the Roaring Twenties when she was a young lass?

[Adam Carolla]

You're missing the point here. This is her in her.

[Mark Ellis]

You're her grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

This is my grandmother trying to convince me as a young man.

[Mark Ellis]

Oh, she wasn't going. She just had friends there, and she wanted you to join the friends.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, you know, circa. I don't know. She's 75 years old and I'm 20 years old naked.

[Mark Ellis]

Cadasta Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. Fucking nuts. I know. She was just doing it to fucking bust my Chuck.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, was she? Did she think everyone was too prudish?

[Adam Carolla]

She had a lot of convenient thoughts, like, hey, we don't need to send cards, flowers, or gifts to let people know we love them in this family. It's like, well, we sure ain't hugging, so I don't know what we do. I, by the way, will take cash and gifts to let. Maybe you don't love me and you're overcompensating for not loving me.

[Allison Rosen]

But, you know, here's the thing with that. You can say, you know what? I don't need that stuff on my birthday to know that you guys love me. But you can't decide. You don't have to do that for someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a lot of like, oh, they just want you to buy a Christmas tree so you can spend another 20 bucks on something you don't need. It was Hallmark invented all this shit. You know, it's like, all right, but I still kind of want a Christmas tree. Yeah, but we're not gonna get suckered into that bait, you know? It's like, okay, okay, all right, so.

[Mark Ellis]

It'Ll be that family with no Christmas tree.

[Adam Carolla]

She had a rubber tree, a plant. It was a rubber tree plant that was inside of her house that we would.

[Mark Ellis]

Santa took a look at that thing and was like, I don't know if that's your tree, but I'm not putting press. I'm not sullying my good name.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a, like, tropical plant. There could be nothing less Christmassy and wintry than a rubber tree plant. It's in not Taco Bell material. Somewhere there's a picture of it, but. But, yeah, we decorate this rubber tree.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds really sad.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, go see Elysium. And feel free to take your clothes off in the theater.

[Adam Carolla]

It sounds like it starts crying. I'll just start crying out loud if that happens. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I ask Marcus thoughts on three movies really quick? After Earth, World War Z and Pacific Rim? I have varying levels of excitement for all of this.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, after Earth, I'm nervous because it's M. Night Shyamalan and the trailer won't tell you it's M. Night Shyamalan. You would not know it's M. Night Shyamalan unless you actually did the research.

[Adam Carolla]

I said it about a year ago. When does the from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan become more harm than good in terms of selling your movie in a theater. And we cross into that area now, and Tyler Perry's quickly getting to that place as well.

[Mark Ellis]

And then this Pacific Rim thing real quick. That looks great, though. We were lucky. They screen legendary pictures. Screen five minutes of this thing for us at WonderCon, and it looks unbelievable. It's the future they created there. There's alien monsters that came from under the sea, and they're huge monsters. And so humanity, to combat them, created these huge monsters, like these big, giant metal things that humans are inside controlling. And it looks great. I can understand why people think it looks like Transformers, but it's nothing like that. It's. Guillermo del Toro is doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Best part about WonderCon is the big banner that says, welcome past recipients of wedgies. That's my favorite. Just that huge banner as you enter the hall. I love that part.

[Mark Ellis]

That's right. Everybody gets a wet willy upon leaving.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder just batting average of how many of those people were getting wedgies in junior high. Over 100%.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, you're still getting wedges.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a good point.

[Mark Ellis]

They're in the hall of fame.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now. I saw Pain and Gay.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah. You beat me to the punch. I see it Tuesday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you do?

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah. This is a Michael Bay movie, but it's not a big, you know, robot Michael Bay. How is it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because I'm still sort of. My head still swimming a little bit, but I will say, definitely worth a watch for the Rock alone and Wahlberg and some good performances. Michael Bay. So it looked incredible. Tony Shalhoub is kind of interesting, and the story kind of got all over the. It was Michael Bay trying to be Tarantino. So he's not a funny man. Directing. Comedy's not his thing. He was trying to work some comedy into it. It really started with that sort of. Well, I shouldn't say started, but it was captured nicely in something like Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid, where they're sitting up there and they're at the edge of the water, the edge of the, you know, ravine. And the guys, the posse's are caught up to him, and they're gonna get him. And he goes, all right, we're gonna have to jump into the river. And I don't know, Paul Newman or.

[Brian Bishop]

Redford is like, I don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't swim. And he goes, hell, the fall's gonna kill us anyway. You know, like, where you're having those moments that are truly funny in this moment's peril you know, and it really works when it's. But it has to be done with finesse. Yeah. It can't pull you out of the moment in that moment in Butch Cassidy. Like, that moment was like, oh, that is funny. And, yes, I guess that guy probably would say the fall is probably gonna kill you anyway.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So don't worry about swimming.

[Mark Ellis]

But pain and gain, not so much.

[Allison Rosen]

Had.

[Adam Carolla]

Had, like. Had four or five that worked and four or five or maybe eight that didn't work. You know what I mean? Like, it had those moments and then had the ones that didn't work on top of it. It. And it's hard to tell when you're shooting it which ones are going to work and which ones aren't. But when you're editing it, you should get better.

[Mark Ellis]

You should know. You should bring that from a 500 to a 750.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right. Shall we do a little news, baby girl? Yes, the news with Allison Rosen.

[Henry Bushkin]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Henry Bushkin]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison Allison. A little love to one of our fine new sponsors, Personal Capital. I don't even know how to begin to describe this, but it's free. It shows you where all your money's going, all your credit cards, stocks, mutual funds, everything. It's all on your smartphone or your computer, wherever you want it. And it literally has what look like. Like I said, we're talking about Prius when it's charging or discharging or how much mileage, how much money you have coming in, how much money is leaving. It's incredible. Incredible app. I saw it and worked with it, and it takes under a minute to set up, and it works on all the devices, and it's free forever. So just click on personal capital [e-mail] and you get your free account started today. And just check it out. That's all I'm saying. Your mind will be blown. You've not seen this before, and you will know where all your money is and exactly what it's doing at all times. And it's just really cool to stare at Personal capital [e-mail] and it's free. All right. News, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

So much Boston news to catch up on. I assume everyone is aware. Oh, no, no. I'm talking about the other. The marathon bombing. Yeah. Okay, so on Thursday, we talked about the fact that the FBI. Sorry. On Friday, the FBI released the photos of the suspects and the video. And so the public was supposed to call in tips by 10:20 on Thursday night. There were gunshots that were heard on the MIT campus. And then later that night there was a shootout in Watertown. By Friday morning, the names of the suspects, they. Police had those after all sorts of people were names. I was following it all on Twitter. Like I didn't sleep much that night. And there was a lot of people saying that it saying the wrong names. So I don't know what's going on with those people who were fingered for this. And it wasn't them.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody tweeted me a picture, but I don't know if it was doctor or not, but the car that got jacked had the coexist bumper sticker on it. Anyone see that?

[Mark Ellis]

No. Was that the Civic that they were looking for? I knew they were looking for a green Honda Civic for a while and then they gave up that to look for a boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody sent me a picture that in the back. It had the coexist bumper sticker in there. And I'm fine with coexist bumper sticker. Yeah, there it is. It has all the different religious symbols to put to spell out the word coexist. Although you could go ahead and remove many of those symbols because they're not fucking killing in the name of Islam.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah, it's not really the way coexisting works.

[Adam Carolla]

No. We've decided we're gonna create this world where we're gonna put the fucking Jewish star up there. Like we all. Hey, Jews, knock it off with the fucking serial bombing and get your shit together, would ya? And, you know, stop honor killings and don't throw any ass in the face of schoolgirls attempting to learn to read and shit like that. Now that's not really a problem. And by the way, they have this sign for women on there too. They could go ahead and remove that.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's men and women comprising the E. See the men and women together, Coming together.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But go ahead and get rid of the women. We don't need them on that list. They don't do nearly as much. They're not troublemakers. Get the Jewish star off that there. You can get the yin and the yang thing off there as well. Peace sign. I mean, it's just such a blowhardy thing in the fucking planet.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Mark Ellis]

There's probably some group that feels left out that they didn't make the coexist bumper sticker. Yeah, like they knew they were being considered and they got the letter back saying, thank you for your application.

[Adam Carolla]

We cannot get you into Scientology. Coexists.

[Mark Ellis]

Dear Mormon. Sorry. Have fun with your nine wives. You're not making. Making the sticker this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

So Anyway, suspect number one. So it's two brothers. Suspect number one, 26, was killed in a shootout that was announced first. And then suspect number two, they were looking for him. 19 year old Jhar. A lot of people have commented that he looks like he could have been in a boy band, but he won't be doing that anytime soon because he's now a boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Will be in him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's.

[Mark Ellis]

Some cigarettes are going to change hands.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

He was found on a boat, injured. He's now in a hospital. Same hospital where some of the victims are, which has got to be weird for everyone involved.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And he. He's injured. He has a gunshot wound to his throat. And now they're saying that perhaps he may have tried to attempt suicide before he was apprehended. It's going to be a long time till he can speak. It's not clear whether he ever will be able to speak, but they will be able to communicate with him through writing. He won't be read his Miranda rights. There's a lot of debate about that. There's this extenuating circumstances where someone doesn't have to be Mirandized. And that is when the public danger, when the public safety is at risk. In a steal.

[Adam Carolla]

You book a flight, baby, and go out there and do the Lord's work, you ass wipes.

[Allison Rosen]

Where there could be, you know, other bombs set or things like that, where. Where people need to get information in quickly. But then the people who feel like he should be read his rights are saying that this isn't. This doesn't really qualify.

[Adam Carolla]

Who the fuck cares? Like we'll decide what qualifies. I know that scares everyone, but it doesn't scare me. But we're fine.

[Mark Ellis]

You cannot. If the cop didn't read him his Miranda rights, that guy should not be on traffic duty anytime soon. Adam. He should get a promotion.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Not a desk jockey. Yeah, his shield should be returned.

[Mark Ellis]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

His shoes should be returned as well. Even the one he keeps in his boots. Come on, give it up, Kowalski.

[Allison Rosen]

They're from Russia. They Chechnyan. And they had been in America.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with Russia? Why is that? Why are they such.

[Mark Ellis]

Chechnya is in Russia. I guess I never caught Carmen Sandiego So I'm not, I don't know a lot of the inter. Like I heard of Chechnya, I heard of Russia. I didn't know that they were.

[Adam Carolla]

Russia's such a piece of shit. It's just a piece of shit.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, that's why they got attacked by a meteorite a couple months ago.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mark Ellis]

The aliens chose them.

[Adam Carolla]

They fucking caused because you think just what Stalin caused. Like the deaths that Stalin caused and then the misery that they caused with just the Berlin Wall and then just their own people and just the misery that Russia has caused and the fact that they fucking basically ruined our way of life to some degree too, because we're constantly thinking that these assholes were going to rain down nuclear headed missiles on our continent. It's just a piece of shit. And people don't talk about it enough. We really need to start talking about what a piece of shit Russia is.

[Allison Rosen]

They've been here for over 10 years, so it's unclear at what point they became radicalized. The older brother was. He had competed in the Golden Gloves. He was a boxer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's funny, cause I got a picture of him with a black eye. So it kind of looked like, ooh.

[Mark Ellis]

You know what, that could be the plot for the Hammer too, is you go up against that brother, it'd be like a Rocky in hell. I'll see you in hell. That's the last line in the trailer, right? And then it's you duking it out over a pit of fire.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. Look, first off, it's too bad both of them aren't dead. Number one, number two, you know, you see these smiling faces of these young boys and you go, let's not forget they took a fucking backpack, they put a bunch of ball bearings in it and they placed it next to a kid and they walked away. That's what they did. That's why we're looking at their pictures. We're not looking at their pictures because we took random pictures from somebody's yearbook and said, oh, these two guys got shot. Tragically.

[Allison Rosen]

The younger one, have you heard the interviews, the people who knew him? People seem very surprised that it's him because he was popular, he was well liked. I mean, everyone liked it. There's not one person who said, oh yeah, I can see that. The older one there's a little more sketchy. But the younger one seemed to be very well liked in the community.

[Mark Ellis]

Where do they get these witnesses though? Like, every time anything bad happens, there's.

[Allison Rosen]

So many of them.

[Mark Ellis]

There's nine people willing to show up and say, look, he was always nice to me.

[Allison Rosen]

They can hire him.

[Mark Ellis]

He's very quiet. I'm happy that he's not dead.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but that's not. He's not the. He always seemed very nice. He kept to himself. He's not that kind of guy.

[Mark Ellis]

He was outgoing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You know, a lot of people knew him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, he was giving wedgies to kids. Going to wonder con.

[Adam Carolla]

You feel like the older brother who was the boxer who went down and hailed gun the bullets and was throwing explosives. You feel like the 26 year old had probably what you call negative influence. All right, jury's still out.

[Mark Ellis]

More con than pro.

[Brian Bishop]

Mixed at best.

[Adam Carolla]

Mixed at best on him. All right, anyway, good.

[Mark Ellis]

My whole family, My family. The Ellis is. Are from Watertown, Massachusetts originally. Yeah, my old man was born up there. We were ice cutters. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Ellis]

Turn of the century. There's not, not a big market for ice, for human ice cutters anymore. But if you wanted a cold beer in the early 1900s, you called an.

[Allison Rosen]

Ellis, you were put out of business by the pit.

[Mark Ellis]

I believe so. I believe it. No, no, we use picks. We put the picks in business.

[Adam Carolla]

We were put out by the ice box.

[Henry Bushkin]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Frigidaire.

[Mark Ellis]

That guy, that bastard. Walking around communities waving to monsters.

[Adam Carolla]

Ice guy used to show up the big block of ice, those big crazy tongs, you know, and just put them over his back and drag them up and throw it in the ice box.

[Brian Bishop]

Every time Mark closes his fridge, he has the whirlpool.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Mark Ellis]

I just spit grimaces. A lot of loogies on my fridge.

[Adam Carolla]

How's your kids Art holding up? And are they taking it personally or do they not understand what's really going on?

[Mark Ellis]

I'm not lucky enough to have one of the fridges that makes ice anyway, so I don't even have ice cube trays. That's how you live. Single.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where the hell else are we? Good. Shoot him. I don't understand why. I don't understand why this guy's alive. Because he's in a boat and they're doing that thing where they're like. Like when they do that thing where they go exchanging gunfire with police officers, that's one 19 year old holding a pistol up like over his head and shooting three shots and 25 of Boston's finest unloading, like I'll bet you for every shot he got off, they got off 135 rounds. So it's weird when the guy's Alive. Because, you know, once they started shooting, they must have started shooting, right? I mean, it's boats. I wonder what their orders were.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they brought him in. I mean, they were happy that they brought him in alive.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah, because.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but how many. Go figure out how many rounds. I don't figure it out, but see if you can find out. If you exchange gunfire and there's a whole bunch of cops who are in freak out mode for the last, like, three days.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they start opening up, it's hard to get them to stop opening. They're not really. They're not treating it like. Like I pay $100 for every one of these bullets and they come out of my paycheck. It's like, clip. I mean, you saw what LAPD did to the two old Mexican women who are delivering newspapers in a tundra. I mean, they just fucking. They must have put 125 rounds into that fucking tundra. And that was like three guys. This. If they. I don't know how many cops there were. I don't know when they stopped. I know they sent in a robot and this and that and the other. But.

[Brian Bishop]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know they say they wanted to take him alive. They always say they want to take him alive. But once you open up.

[Mark Ellis]

Well, that must have been like you can just throw a grenade into a boat, right? I mean, wouldn't that be the play? Just get somebody with a good arm.

[Adam Carolla]

I like, get Tom Brady.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm clear on how much of a. How much fire was exchanged with the boat. I know. With a brother, there was.

[Adam Carolla]

And at mit, they're fucking. The news is so all over the fucking road that I have no idea anymore. He hid in a boat. What? I heard the news, but again, who the fuck knows? He hid in the boat, he exchanged fire with the cops, and then they sent a robot in or something and then a negotiator in, and then they got it. That's what I heard.

[Mark Ellis]

But he's hurt. We don't know. I don't know what.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we don't know whether it was. Whether he did it to himself or the robot guy.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Gary, figure out what the exchange fire thing. I don't need to know. You don't have to run over there and count the shell casings or anything. I mean, later tonight, get on the.

[Mark Ellis]

Next flight to Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Suspect, suspect fired 200 rounds.

[Mark Ellis]

That one.

[Adam Carolla]

The younger brother in the boat. No, this is in the firefight from beforehand. Okay, that's exactly what I. There wasn't a firefight in the boat. Oh, there was zero in the boat. So he just. He was just laying in the butt? Yes. Okay. All right, well, then. Then that's the part I'm. All right. Don't go all passive aggressive on the car.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not being passive aggressive. I didn't. That's. The firefight was the night before when it was. I know, but you. There's. The show comes into that room. Right. Yes, but we were all talking. Okay, all right. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

David Ortiz gave.

[Adam Carolla]

He should have thrown the grenade.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah, he's got a big. Poppy's got an army.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he did drop an F bomb during an emotional pre game ceremony at Fenway. And we have the audio.

[Adam Carolla]

This is our fucking city.

[Allison Rosen]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, stop it. And the FCC is going to look the other way. They tweeted David Ortiz spoke from the heart at today's Red Sox game. I stand with Big Papi, Big Poppy or Big Pappy. It's Poppy. Poppy and the people of Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Mark Ellis]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't mock me, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

I like Pappy. I think it should be Big Pappy.

[Mark Ellis]

That's more like the gaping vaginas discussion from earlier.

[Allison Rosen]

Gapping. So that's good. The FCC doesn't usually. Well, I guess sometimes they're okay with that.

[Mark Ellis]

Who would they find? Would they go directly to David Ortiz? Because Ortiz said it. Like, would you find the Red Sox?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say it gets a cultural pass, too. Like, that's not his first language.

[Mark Ellis]

You know, just do the Sammy Sosa steroid thing. Like, he's. He doesn't speak English.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Mark Ellis]

He didn't know what he was saying. He heard it from a cab driver.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Henry Bushkin]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. He heard a cab driver say it on the way in. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Sip it, cunts.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, now, there were shots fired in the boat. I didn't read the bottom part of what you wrote.

[Allison Rosen]

They're looking for numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. All right. I don't know how any of this stuff works. All I know is they turn on the news and they go, he was in the boat. They exchanged fire, and then they sent a robot in.

[Brian Bishop]

I was having a conversation with friends about it. Isn't it more satisfying that they took him alive rather than they shot him? Because there'd be all that lingering.

[Henry Bushkin]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

What was it?

[Henry Bushkin]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

What? What did he know? What did he want to do?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Getting. Having him Be able to talk to him eventually.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But I'm doubtful of how much information we'll get out of him. Sorry. Go ahead, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I'm the same way. Like, I don't think this guy was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Like, he was just a 19 year old. I think he knows that he had an evil brother that he looked up to, that he probably idolized because the age gap is perfect. In 19 and 26. This guy was probably doing the Golden Gloves. That's from doing the Golden Gloves myself. You punch in the head. You said globes, gloves. It's from doing. He's probably 10. He's watching his big brother at 18, you know, doing the Golden Gloves, and he's like, oh, man. You know, and he's just fucking worshiping this guy. And I'll bet you that the older brother. And also, you know, there's a couple things, you know, the age for porn is 18, but you don't really know what you're doing when you're 18. You think about when you're 18, you know, what the fuck? I told you after a million times, I was 18. If someone would have said, here's $3,000, take this package from Tijuana back to San Diego, I would have fucking done it in a fucking heartbeat on any weekend of the year. So you're not that formed, especially as a male at 19. I mean, I was a fucking idiot at 19. And if I really looked up to someone, I wouldn't have planted any bombs. But this guy was, I think, probably brainwashed by this brother that he idolized. I don't think he is part of a sleeper cell. I don't think he's well connected. I don't think he could give us valuable information as to where the other bombs were or whatever. I just think it was his nut job brother. And for that reason, I wish they just would have killed him. So he doesn't write any books, get married, you know, conjugal visits, things like that. Eventually it's gonna get. He's a cute kid.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's gonna get a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's already getting fan. He's already gonna get a lot of fan mail, a lot of proposals, and it'll be made, you know, I don't know.

[Mark Ellis]

In a perfect world, I take him dead and then I take the older brother alive and then you get to torture him. Like, that's the guy I'd rather torture. Yeah, the older brother, not the younger brother. But if we could, we already killed that guy. So we only have one left and let's keep him alive and do the waterboard. Gonna be a toy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where. All right, so any info? There's a gun battle from the boat, right? Do we know how many cops were there at the gun battle? No. And we don't know what approximately any rounds and we don't know what they, what their weapons were. Do we know it was like a SWAT team that showed up or something.

[Mark Ellis]

There were reports of tactical teams and.

[Adam Carolla]

Multiple flashbangs being thrown at the suspect, but multiples. As specific as the stories we found so far. Getting. But, but guns. But gunfire. Gunfire is reported. Okay.

[Mark Ellis]

This feels like I'm actually watching it happen on Friday morning and we're in the studio and then we're going to our on site reporters who are like hiding under a car, but they don't give a fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Like two teams of SWAT or two swat. I mean, you figure a SWAT team, once they're deployed, once they're on the kind of high tactical alert they're on, there's gotta be 15 or 20 dudes there. And all those guys have semi automatic or even full automatic, I don't know, rifles. Because they're swat. This is what they're doing. And once those guys open up, they just start opening up. They're not like. All right, Bert, it's your turn to shoot. Larry, hold off, hold off. Let Bert finish. Slow and steady wins the race, Bert. Okay, now, Larry, you go ahead carefully.

[Brian Bishop]

Go now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, first off, don't step on Burt. Oh, you're kind of.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm always doing that. I'm sorry, Burt.

[Adam Carolla]

What we're calling is firing refractory period right now. Just let them cool off. Let them cool your jets.

[Brian Bishop]

Then they go. Then they go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Notice. Squeeze the trigger nicely. No, they all just fucking go nuts. I think so. It's like bees attacking. So they must have pumped a lot of fucking shit into that boat.

[Mark Ellis]

I'd like to see the boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can guarantee that the boat is in some, you know, police compound, whatever right now. And, and it's, it's, it's being, it's being gone over and it's gonna be exhibit whatever and the guy's not gonna get it back. But if he ever does get it back, it's going on ebay. And then it's gonna end up at a casino.

[Mark Ellis]

I don't know that baby. Seaworthy. So. A casino. The thing probably looks like the orca at the end of Jaws, right?

[Adam Carolla]

By now.

[Mark Ellis]

It's just, it's not gonna Ever be out on the open water again? But it would be great at the Tropicana in Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

This is gonna be more Whiskey Pete's, you know what I mean?

[Mark Ellis]

Nevada.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is more outskirt. Right. As soon as you get across the line there.

[Mark Ellis]

You know it's actually called the Boston Boat Casino.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they'll build a roller coaster around it. But I mean, that's where you have to have that car and that or that boat or that like I was like Bonnie Clyde's car or something. The Hitler mobile, like that kind of stuff. It's not, you know, like I said, it's not.

[Allison Rosen]

Not Smithsonian worthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Smithsonian and not high end casino. You know, probably wouldn't. Wouldn't find it in the south of France. All right. Ah, go to my PC. Go to my PC. That's what the dude in the boat needed. Could have gotten on his home computer.

[Mark Ellis]

That's what the robot was running on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can access your office computer from your smartphone, your tablet, work while you're waiting.

[Brian Bishop]

Where did I leave that escape plan?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there you go.

[Henry Bushkin]

Home.

[Adam Carolla]

And work computer, go to my PC. Turns your iPad, your iPhone, Android Kindle fire into your work computer and you can try it free free month and a half free 45 day free trial visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right, let's see. The boat operation was executed by the FBI hostage rescue team. No numbers of people or bullets, but they did fire bullets. Weren't we doing the news? And then fired took the robot and you know, the robot's got a stupid name.

[Mark Ellis]

Johnny Five, something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd go Jaime from Get Smart, but that's just. That's just me.

[Mark Ellis]

Is it boat hostage rescue team. That's a thing? There's that many hostages in boats?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's.

[Mark Ellis]

If they have a division.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think they have an aquatic like a maritime division.

[Mark Ellis]

I think there's so many hostages and boats, we need a full task force. Is that their job?

[Adam Carolla]

It's gotta be a serious argument. Like, you know all those good cop movies where the local guy's telling them you're out of your jurisdiction. Like, hey, we are the boat hostage team. So this will. That boat is on land, so that land falls under my jurisdiction. No, he's in a boat. Read. Read the article two very clearly. It states when suspect is in a boat, but he's not in a body of water like I go round. You could probably go round and round and round. And who gets to take point on that negotiation? All right. Bring it home, baby girl. Oh, did you do it already?

[Allison Rosen]

I already did.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. All right. I'm blue in the face from talking. Ah, yes. Schmoes know everybody. Subscribe YouTube.com schmozno us@amalfi with Joe Coy. Coming up this Wednesday, Corona M15. By the way, concert bar and grill. Sunday, we're doing a show there, I guess. Sunday, April 28, come out and see us live podcast Merced theater. I'll be doing some stand up. Saturday, April 27th. And also uptown, me and Drew in Napa gonna do a little racing, too. Cinco de Mayo, everybody having the big Malibu party. Come on down. All the proceeds are going to the children's hospital. Fitz and the Tantrums gonna play. John Popper and his guitarist gonna be there. Tickets [e-mail] and let's not forget Allison Rosen. She's a new best friend on itunes, our app. This week's guest, Rhea Seehorn. Also, new episodes every Monday and Thursday. For more, you go to AllisonRosen.com so until next time, this is Adam K. Mark Ellis, Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo. Oh, if only Michael Jordan could have played nude. You could have really seen him shine.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that was a 2013 summer.

[Adam Carolla]

Movie preview with Schmo's note.

[Brian Bishop]

That doesn't for classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo.

[Henry Bushkin]

And get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

All for free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.