Illeana Douglas +Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show – "Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Adam Carolla Show
• Host/Author: PodcastOne / Carolla Digital
• Episode: Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)
• Release Date: March 29, 2025

Overview: In this episode of the Adam Carolla Show, host Adam Carolla sits down with guests Illeana Douglas and Dana Gould, delving into a rich tapestry of personal anecdotes, reflections on race and friendship, experiences in the entertainment industry, and humorous takes on everyday life. The conversation is a blend of candid storytelling, sharp humor, and insightful commentary, characteristic of Carolla’s signature style.

---

1. High School Friendships and Racial Dynamics

• Discussion: Adam opens up about his high school days at North Hollywood High, contrasting his own path with that of his Jewish friends who pursued higher education and professional careers.
• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Carolla [02:03]: "Jackie Mason's the only one that's coming. His is the only one that's coming."

2. Cultural Differences and Personal Growth

• Discussion: The conversation shifts to the cultural divide between Adam’s group and his Jewish friends, touching on themes of privilege, responsibility, and societal expectations.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Gould [02:22]: "The Gentiles probably thought it was funny. They're like, oh, I'll piss on you next time."

3. Experiences in Show Business

• Discussion: Illeana Douglas shares her experiences working on various film projects, including intense roles alongside legendary actors like Robert De Niro. She recounts the physical and emotional demands of acting in dramatic films.
• Notable Quote:
  • Illeana Douglas [43:05]: "I blew out my knee on a Sunday morning... and Donnie was like, tough shit, we're moving tonight."

4. Transition from Comedy to Drama

• Discussion: The guests explore the challenges and nuances of transitioning between comedic and dramatic roles. Illeana discusses her brief stint in drama and how it differs from her comedic work.
• Notable Quote:
  • Illeana Douglas [08:03]: "I just write it into the show. It's pretty much all heart."

5. Travel Tales and Hospitality Woes

• Discussion: Adam and his guests share humorous and sometimes frustrating travel stories, including mishaps with hotels, late-night check-ins, and the peculiarities of airport security.
• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Carolla [20:05]: "You think Ray comes back with Danish?"

6. Behind-the-Scenes in Entertainment

• Discussion: The trio discusses the behind-the-scenes realities of the entertainment industry, including casting processes, relationships with directors, and the unpredictability of show business.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Gould [17:16]: "I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks is Jewish."

7. Comedy vs. Stand-Up Challenges

• Discussion: Adam reflects on the differences between performing stand-up comedy and other forms of entertainment, highlighting the unique pressures and expectations of each.
• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Carolla [24:44]: "But I wasn't like, how dare you?"

8. Reflections on Legacy and Career Choices

• Discussion: The conversation turns introspective as the guests ponder their legacies, career choices, and the impact of their work on their personal lives and relationships.
• Notable Quote:
  • Illeana Douglas [50:49]: "This was something that was kind of in the works with Doug Ellin."

9. Satirical News Segments

• Discussion: Throughout the episode, there are interspersed satirical news segments where the hosts parody current events and pop culture phenomena with their trademark humor.
• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Carolla [54:43]: "Nobody pays a parking ticket. Nobody sends it in."

10. Hypothetical and Absurd Scenarios

• Discussion: The guests engage in creating and discussing hypothetical and absurd scenarios, often leading to humorous and unexpected conclusions.
• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Carolla [82:02]: "Just a quick peek. You know what I mean?"

---

Key Insights and Conclusions:

• Cultural Identity and Friendship: The episode underscores the complexities of cultural identity and how it shapes friendships and life trajectories. Adam’s reflections highlight the nuances of growing up with friends from different backgrounds and the societal expectations that come with it.

• Versatility in Entertainment: Illeana Douglas and Dana Gould emphasize the importance of versatility in the entertainment industry, showcasing how actors navigate between comedy and drama to sustain their careers.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Throughout their stories, humor serves as a coping mechanism for the challenges they face, whether it’s dealing with tough hotel experiences or navigating the unpredictable world of show business.

• Behind-the-Scenes Realities: The candid discussions reveal the often unseen challenges and absurdities of working in entertainment, from casting mishaps to the physical demands of intense acting roles.

• Satire and Social Commentary: The satirical news segments provide sharp social commentary, using humor to critique and reflect on contemporary issues and pop culture.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Adam Carolla [02:03]: "Jackie Mason's the only one that's coming. His is the only one that's coming."
• Dana Gould [02:22]: "The Gentiles probably thought it was funny. They're like, oh, I'll piss on you next time."
• Illeana Douglas [43:05]: "I blew out my knee on a Sunday morning... and Donnie was like, tough shit, we're moving tonight."
• Illeana Douglas [17:16]: "I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks is Jewish."
• Adam Carolla [24:44]: "But I wasn't like, how dare you?"
• Adam Carolla [54:43]: "Nobody pays a parking ticket. Nobody sends it in."

---

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show offers listeners an engaging mix of humor, personal storytelling, and insightful commentary on cultural dynamics and the entertainment industry. Through candid conversations and memorable anecdotes, Adam Carolla and his guests provide both laughter and thoughtful reflections, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Work management platforms. Ugh.

[Gina Grad]

Endless onboarding.

[Adam Carolla]

IT bottlenecks admin requests but what if things were different?

[Gina Grad]

Monday.com is different.

[Adam Carolla]

No lengthy onboarding, beautiful reports in minutes.

[Gina Grad]

Custom workflows you can build on your own easy to use prompt free AI huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Turns out you can love a work management platform.

[Gina Grad]

Monday.com the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Adam Carolla]

If you have a locked AT&T phone, we're here with bolt cutters. T Mobile will help pay off your.

[Gina Grad]

Locked phone and give you a new.

[Adam Carolla]

5G phone for free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com carrierfreedom via virtual prepaid.

[Gina Grad]

MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to $830 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax and a $10 device connection charge.

[Adam Carolla]

Qualifying port and trade in service on.

[Gina Grad]

Go 5G next and credit required. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreement as deal bill credits end if you pay off devices early.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cora Classics available through Podcast one Premium as well as Adam Carolla substack for the ad free archives adamcarolla.substack.com, you get the ad free archives for this show, the Adam Crolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show and the exclusive home of Adam's brand new podcast Beat It Out. If you'd like to request a clip Please email us classicskorolla.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Perla show 291 Sam Wolfson from 2010. Check it out. Welcome Sam Wolfson who is the co creator of the hit play Dutopia and the bringer of Danish.

[Gina Grad]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I brought a box of Danish.

[Gina Grad]

You're so welcome. You're so welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so. You're Jewish. Yeah, actually. Well that's why you people are better. Because the gent, the Mexicans and the blacks and the gentiles, we show up, we're like hey what's to eat? Where's there. Is there any food? And you guys show up with food.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for Jackie Mason.

[Gina Grad]

Did he show up with no food?

[Adam Carolla]

He was a dick. He showed up. He showed up to Loveline. We did Loveline. You may remember that show Dr. Drew and he showed up. The show starts at 10:00 at night. And he showed up in the middle of culver City at 10:00 at night or, you know, 9:57 and, you know, in the middle of the week. And he's like, what? No bagels? And it was like. And I was like, well, we got one bagel, right, Jackie? And he was like, what? There's nothing. No. Nothing to eat. And we're like, well, you know, it's 10 at night, and no, we don't have. We don't put out a whole spread. What do you want, some smoked salmon, right? And he's like, so nothing. No bagel. It was like. It was one of these things were like, hey, you're setting. You're setting your group back quite a bit. Like, if a black guy came in and went like, no fried chicken, no watermelon, like, I'll bust a pop a cap in your ass. Like, someone would pull them aside and go, you're setting your race back a little bit with this, Jackie. Mason's the only one that's coming.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I just brought it forward, though. I just brought us one step back.

[Dana Gould]

I mean, forward.

[Adam Carolla]

After that, Mason, we took a step backward. With Jackie, we just took two steps. Two steps forward.

[Gina Grad]

I'll have you know, I got her early. I was at the Burbank Bakery. My mom said, you should bring him some Danish. It's their house. You're a guest.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. See? And I got a whole Better.

[Gina Grad]

We're not better.

[Adam Carolla]

You are. No, you are. No, look, I just. You know what? You are. We're hairier. You're hairier and you're better. I just went over this earlier in the week with the Weez. And speaking of the weeds, how we're better. Yeah, I'll explain.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you guys better than us?

[Gina Grad]

Please tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, quickly, I should let you know that we are shipping the DVDs you guys so generously purchased, and we're on that as we speak. Now, why are you guys better? Earlier in the week, I said to Donnie, look at it this way. We went to North Hollywood High. I picked three of my friends, myself, my buddy Ray, and my buddy you just met a moment ago, Chris. Yeah. Who's in my shop right now with his dad, looking for his dad's transmission repair tools, which he left in the alley next to the shop. Just to let you know how the man has set himself up at age 68. He's in my shop and he's rummaging around for $8 worth of tools, which I don't think you've done. You do when your 401k is going well and you've feathered your nest quite nicely. But there's me, there's Ray, and there's Chris, and we were all friends, and we all went to North Hollywood high. And then there's our Jewish buddies from the hills. And I'll throw their names out. Jeff. One guy's name was. Well, maybe I won't use their full name, but Jeff, Robbie and Nate. I think I already used their full name. But those are our Jewish friends, right? And we were good friends with those guys. We used them quite a bit because they had houses in the hill that were filled with kugel or whatever you guys eat. And. And they had cars and they had a lot of stuff we didn't have. And so it's like Ray would get our buddy Alex to drive him to fat burger, and then he would get Alex to pay for his fat burger. And then on the way home, he actually peed on him while Alex was driving his four door rabbit Jew. He peed on the Jew. It's not just a fraternity game. It's sort of like whack a mole, but different. The pia Jew, the little rabbi's head pops up. You see if you can squirt it with some urine before it pops down again. He peed on the Jew after the Jew had just bought him a double king cheeseburger.

[Gina Grad]

And the Jew probably thanked him.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the Jew pulled over, he was pissed, and he threw him out of his car. But the thing that was funny about it is when Alex pulled over on Lankershim after he just bought Ray lunch and said, get the fuck out of my car. Ray went for what? Like, Ray was indignant, and he was like, you just pissed on me while I was driving. Like, Ray pulled his cock out and started pissing on Alex while Alex was operating a vehicle, right? And Ray was like. Ray was incensed. Ray was indignant that he pissed on Alex, who was driving a car, and that Alex had the temerity to pull over and say, get out of my car. And Ray was, you know, a full mile and a quarter from his mom's apartment. And Ray was like, what the fuck? It was really as if he went to change the station in his on his presets or use a cigarette lighter. And Alex pulled over. It was that kind of reaction.

[Gina Grad]

Was that the first time you guys had peed on other people while driving?

[Dana Gould]

Was that a thing you did or.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it a new thing that we peed on? Gentiles we had peed on each other while driving. But we. I don't. This is May. May be our first Jew. I don't. We probably pissed on Robby while we were driving.

[Gina Grad]

The Gentiles probably thought it was funny. They're like, oh, I'll piss on you next time.

[Dana Gould]

The Jew was probably like, I'm going.

[Gina Grad]

To get some sort of infection.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jew was confused more than he was amused.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You see, whereas the Gentile was. The Gentiles weren't happy about it. It just became piss. Game on.

[Gina Grad]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I think. I think. I think the difference between a Gentile and a Jew is if you piss on a Gentile, it's sort of like this. It's like if you piss on a gentile's leg, he's going to need to piss on your shoulder or into your hair or something like that. Like, that's how it works with me down the line. Yeah. I got pissed on by the guy who's in the shop right now when I was in the ninth grade. And I was like, all right, now I need to piss on you. But I wasn't like, how dare you?

[Gina Grad]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So Alex was a little more like, what the fuck? But to be fair, he had a cloth interior. And he did just get done buying Ray a double king cheese fat burger, you know.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So, you know, I think he had the right to be indignant about it. I just like when he tried to throw him out of his car, that Ray was indignant that Alex was asking him to get out of his car.

[Dana Gould]

But he was still better for driving him and buying him the burger. Mm, he's still better?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, he's better. Well, here's. Here's my point. Why everyone's better over there. So there was my three friends, or me, Ray and Chris, and then there was Robby, Nate and Jeff. And we're all good friends. But there came a point where it became time for them to turn into Jews and for us to turn into Gentiles. And they. After graduating the same high school that we all attended, North Hollywood High, they headed off for ucla, Stanford and Cal, and we headed off for A and B carpet cleaning in Van Nuys. And then we picked up a shovel and started digging. And then while they were working through their degrees, we were probably, you know, we're essentially laborers on construction sites at that point. And that was it. That was then. Ten years after graduation, we were all swinging hammers and toiling in the sun. And they had white collar, decent jobs, miserable one One became a lawyer. I'm sure everyone's miserable, but better to be miserable with a house that has central air than miserable in a shitty apartment with an AC unit just buzzing away in the next room, right? True.

[Gina Grad]

They push the education they do.

[Adam Carolla]

Their family stayed together, they were for the most part intact and they focused on some education. They made sure their kids got into college and they took care of them so that they would. And it's more of an investment in the family's future because these guys, now that they're getting that they're middle aged men and that their parents are in their 70s, coming up on their 80s now they know that their educated, family oriented sons and daughters will then have, will then feel indebted to them and take care of them and be in the position to take care of them. My buddy Ray, he not in the position to take care of anybody but Ray. And even that he's barely qualified for. And Chris is in about the same shape. I got lucky with the comedy, right? But emotionally I'm not in the position to care for my parents financially I am. But the point is, the point is you guys are smart, you take care of each other, you send them out into the world and then eventually they come back with a little cash or some, or some Danish. You think Ray comes back with Danish?

[Gina Grad]

No. Well, let me tell you about the flip side. What time did you get here today for this?

[Adam Carolla]

10:00. We had it, we had a 10:00am 10:00am10:00am thing. 10:06, 10:05. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Probably weren't too worried about traffic or stroll. You just kind of relax, relaxed person. Guess what time I got here.

[Gina Grad]

Is that the dad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Chris's dad.

[Dana Gould]

Wow, that was a gentile.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, Gentile too. Look at him. Even had the wrench that was holding a wrench. Yes. He's a seven.

[Gina Grad]

That's the law, right? With the Gentiles you have to be.

[Dana Gould]

Holding a wrench at all times.

[Adam Carolla]

We'd like you to have an adjustable wrench. But I mean, yes. I mean I have seen guys get stopped for not a wrench or tire iron. It doesn't have to be an adjustable wrench or crescent wrench, but it would be nice.

[Gina Grad]

He looks so happy to be holding that wrench.

[Dana Gould]

He was like just so joyous.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris's dad is 70 years old and he came back here to get one wrench worth $8 so he can go work on somebody's transmission. That'll be his car. Will be, that car will be up on Blocks and he'll work on it out of the driveway of his apartment building.

[Gina Grad]

See, I think that's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it sounds cool. It's cool. Live it for a week. Oh, Chris's dad. Let me tell you something. When me and Chris and Donnie, although I think Donnie had already moved out, were living in an apartment on North Hollywood, on Laurel Canyon, Chris's dad had a little, little stint in the joint. And he was one of these things where it's kind of funny, there's that dad was in the joint, did a little, little time there. Nothing, nothing violent, but a little time there. Once in a while you go to the joint and it's like that Spike Lee movie where. What's his. Norman, what's his name?

[Gina Grad]

25Th hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 25th hour was like the. It was like a horrible version of that where Chris's dad came into our one bedroom apartment with a box that had a can of stew in it and like a flannel shirt and said, I need to crash on your sofa for about a month before I go into the joint. And I don't know why you can't just go into the joint and start doing your time. Why are you doing your time on our sofa? It's not counting. But yeah, he had a couple things. I remember. It's a very gentile thing. He had a jar. He had a jar of clamado, which I feel like the Jews could embrace because it's horrible tasting and bizarre.

[Gina Grad]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Fishy. And it's mixing up. It's like taking a fish flavor and making it cold and putting it in the wrong place. And I feel like you guys could do that. But he had a jar of clamado which he rinsed out when he was done and then would fill with tap water and became his cold water bottle, like his refrigerator. Cold water. Because when it's the summertime and you have no air, you want that cold water coming out of the fridge. But the cap of it was still red inside and smelled like fish. So the water still kind of smelled like fish water. And I used to drink it too. Like, it's cold. What the fuck? Hold your nose like. So that's what the Gentiles do now. We went to the same high school, but we ended up going very different paths.

[Gina Grad]

Well, I was gonna say you were here two minutes before the show started. I came from Santa Monica. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I slept.

[Gina Grad]

I got up at 4:30, I got here at 8:00.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know what the fuck to do.

[Dana Gould]

And my 10 o'clock is my morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Crap time constitution on the dot. I was. So I wanted to make sure I.

[Gina Grad]

Got here early enough to find a bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Gina Grad]

And I. I found one at the bakery.

[Dana Gould]

I didn't want to do it here.

[Gina Grad]

I didn't know how close it was.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's the flip side. Hey, you can go my buddy Alex's car if you want. Let's get I'm on in on the.

[Dana Gould]

Peeing on your friends thing.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll take you to Fat Burger and then you can take a. In his rabbit.

[Gina Grad]

I want to be a cool gentile.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I will say this. I mean, like a real Jew, by.

[Gina Grad]

The way, I'm not like temple all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I just. I mean, it is. It is true. It's this. It's an interesting point, which is the concern point. Like there's. I feel like there's a happy medium here, which is to say Ray didn't worry enough in his life. Like when he got caught cutting in line to get his classes on a Friday registration and Mr. Smith told him to go to the back of the line, he said, fuck that, I'm going to the beach. Like, he literally told Mr. Smith, I'm not going to the back of the line. I'm going to the beach. And Smith said, you're not going to get any of your classes. And Ray just said, we'll see. And he hopped the fence and went to the beach, you know. And Ray did get all his classes, by the way. It wasn't positive reinforcement there. So now there has to be something in between Ray going, fuck it, I'm going to the beach. Which is not a good way to have.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

A good way to be versus, you know, class registration starts at 8:00am and you pitch a tent the night before. Like you're trying to buy journey tickets in 1978. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want wringing your hands the whole time worried about some class that you're going to get anyway. Yeah, Fetching about it.

[Dana Gould]

And just together, Ray and I create a good person. Like Weird Science. Like, if you put us together, we super.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be the Kelly LeBrock of Jews. Like super Goju jigoi.

[Gina Grad]

We'd be unstoppable Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you'd be unstoppable. Yeah. And I think in life in general, you want that thing where you have a healthy amount of concern. Like, I'm gonna get my automobile and I'm gonna take three seconds and put my seatbelt on.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm not gonna white knuckle it. Driving, looking over my shoulder. Exactly. Thinking I'm gonna get in an accident every 10. 10.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, yes. So it's sort of enough concern to put the belt on.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But then once the belt clicks into place, I'm gonna forget about it.

[Gina Grad]

The other dangerous thing is that because I was raised with all this protectiveness.

[Dana Gould]

And kind of neurotic neuroses, I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Go the flip side and kind of.

[Gina Grad]

Try to counter that by like I took, you know, Freddie roach boxing gym.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course, you know, Freddie roach box.

[Gina Grad]

I worked out there for like a year and a half, right. Because I wanted some danger, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, I got a tooth.

[Gina Grad]

Chipped and I'm just like, well, I shouldn't be here.

[Adam Carolla]

What am I doing? This is crazy. You do find that in a weird way in life, most the things are a reaction to something that happened the polar opposite or the negative of whatever happened. Growing up, like, it works the other way too. Like, I grew up in chaos. And so I have this dear old work platform. It's not you, it's us, actually, it is you.

[Gina Grad]

Endless onboarding, constant IT bottlenecks.

[Adam Carolla]

We've had enough. We need a platform that just gets us. And to be honest, we've met someone new.

[Gina Grad]

They're called Monday.com and it was love at first. Onboarding.

[Adam Carolla]

Their beautiful dashboards, their customizable workflows got us floating on a digital cloud nine.

[Gina Grad]

So no hard feelings, but we're moving on Monday.com the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Adam Carolla]

If you have a locked AT&T phone, we're here with bolt cutters. T Mobile will help pay off your.

[Gina Grad]

Locked phone and give you a new.

[Adam Carolla]

5G phone for free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com carrierfreedom via virtual prepaid.

[Gina Grad]

MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to $830 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax and a $10 device connection charge. Qualifying port and trade in service on Go5G next and credit required. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreements. Do you have bill credits and if you pay off devices early.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird sort of organizational stuff. And what's that doing here? And that's not in its right place because I grew up in utter chaos. Right. Whereas you grew up in a very grounded sort of confined thing. And now you want to go out and, you know, get on a Harley and go cross country with Peter Fonda. Right?

[Gina Grad]

Yes, but like at the end of the day when you go home and.

[Dana Gould]

You put your head on the pillow.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, are you out in two seconds?

[Adam Carolla]

Can you. Do you sleep well at night?

[Dana Gould]

I'm fascinated with how people sleep because.

[Gina Grad]

It kind of defines the kind of person they are.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to be. I wasn't a. I never didn't sleep well because I was a worrier. I didn't sleep well because I was a thinker. Like, my mind would be racing and I would have thoughts about. But it wouldn't be. It wouldn't be. My head hit the pillow and I was thinking about, geez, did I leave the stove on?

[Gina Grad]

Work management platforms, endless onboarding IT bottlenecks.

[Adam Carolla]

Admin requests but what if things were different?

[Gina Grad]

We found love in an open Monday.com is different.

[Adam Carolla]

No lengthy onboarding, beautiful reports in minutes.

[Gina Grad]

Custom workflows you can build on your.

[Adam Carolla]

Own, easy to use prompt free AI. Huh. Turns out you can love a work management platform.

[Gina Grad]

Monday.com the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Adam Carolla]

AT T Mobile. We'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only $25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest. It's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network.

[Gina Grad]

Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account.

[Adam Carolla]

$5 more per line without auto pay.

[Gina Grad]

Up to 830 off each phone be.

[Adam Carolla]

A 24 monthly bill credits plus taxes.

[Gina Grad]

Fees and 10 device connection charge 4 well qualified customers contact us before canceling.

[Adam Carolla]

Entire account to continue build credits or.

[Gina Grad]

Credit stop and balance on required finance.

[Adam Carolla]

Agreement to bill credits.

[Gina Grad]

And if you pay UP devices early.

[Adam Carolla]

CT mobile.com or you know, is it burner on or is. Did I, did I lock my car door? Like, it wasn't that kind of stuff. It was more like, I have an idea. I have a joke. I have an invention. Like I, you know. Yeah. For a pillow that's more comfortable. I would have. I was like, I couldn't shut my mind down.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But it wasn't like, oh dear God. What? What's going on? Do I have cancer? I feel cancer.

[Dana Gould]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or what's this cough? What's that mean? Tuberculosis. Never. I mean the one thing that gentiles don't have is that sort of sense of. At least my group, the poor gentiles, didn't. Didn't have it sounds like a band that Russell Crowe Would be in, like, the Four Gentiles, but we didn't have that sense of, like. Nobody went like, oh, are you okay? Are you hurt? Or. You should go to the doctor. No one ever said, you should go to the doctor.

[Gina Grad]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, never. Never came up. Wow. No, not to me. And I never said it to anyone else either.

[Gina Grad]

But if you got hurt, well, you played football.

[Dana Gould]

You played injuries all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's always just like, ah, come on. Don't be a puss.

[Dana Gould]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You're being a pussy.

[Dana Gould]

That was your Blue Cross.

[Adam Carolla]

Even Donnie, who's a Jew, although barely. Just.

[Gina Grad]

He had a Danish, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to rattle. Oh, yeah, he loves. He loves it. He loves. We're not supposed to have it this week.

[Gina Grad]

It's Passover.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Ralph. He doesn't. Well, he doesn't go for that. But the point is, I've told the story many times. I blew out my knee playing football. And when I got home, Donnie said, it's time to move a booth up a set of stairs. And I said, my knee's blown out. And he said, tough shit, we're moving tonight. Cause the booth, big diner booth, was in an alley behind the cafe. And Donnie wanted to get it that night before it got taken by somebody.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then move it up the stairs of our apartment and into our kitchen. And I told him my knee was blown out. And he said, don't be a puss. Come on.

[Gina Grad]

And you did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and I did it. Oh, and I. I did it. And. And I had knee surgery. I had surgery on that knee a couple months later, But I moved the booth. The point is this. I blew out a knee on a Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon, Right. I spent Sunday evening not with it elevated in ice, on it or even seeing a doctor. I spent that night moving furniture upstairs.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The following day, it had blown up. Eventually, I saw a doctor because of what it looked like, and I tore an acl and I needed to have surgery on it, But I spent the day before, between the time I got the injury and the time I got. The doc went to the doctor. I spent that time moving furniture.

[Gina Grad]

Right? But he called you a puss.

[Dana Gould]

And you were like, okay, I'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

And Donnie wasn't even. Not even one of the bad ones. Donnie was just like, come on, we need to get this booth. Like, Ray would have tried to punch me, but Donnie was like. He may have been sympathetic. I don't think he was very sympathetic. Come on, we're getting this booth. And I said, I think I blew my neon. He said, well, you know.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, Jew would have sat that one out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, Donnie, jump in and tell me if I'm making up any part of this.

[Dana Gould]

Where was the piece of furniture, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

In an alley story. This furniture was in an alley.

[Gina Grad]

Is he coming in to defend himself?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so. I'm not being unfair to Donnie in this depiction. No, he. He's. He's 100 accurate. But what he left out was we tried to get this booth upstairs, and we couldn't get it through the front door. We had to take the door off. We took the door. No, we took the door off and still couldn't get the booth to the front door. Yeah, I pulled the pins out the front door, pulled it off the hinges. We took this booth back. It was so big, like, three times. It was so big. The stairs were outside the apartment, and it was landing. We couldn't get it in the front door. And to be fair to Donnie, at a certain point in the evening. Mm. I said, my knee can't take any more furniture moving. This is ridiculous. My knee is fucked up. I'm not doing this anymore. But we took it up and down, like, three times and not. We went and took my truck to the back of Ventura Boulevard and got it out of the alley. So eventually, Donnie took the thing down to the jack in the box and took it apart with a hammer. Hammer. Started beating on it in the parking lot in an alley in three different pieces. So Adam was, like, upstairs. He was in so much pain. He just, like, went to bed. I didn't put ice on it. My knee, though.

[Dana Gould]

Didn't your mother come around and tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Him to ice it?

[Gina Grad]

I mean, wasn't there some Jew gentile.

[Dana Gould]

Mixing going on at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

She wasn't too sure about Adam and Chris in general. She's like, listen, I don't know if she'd be hanging out with those guys. She thought we were the reason he smoked pot. That's how out of it she was. Well, I blame them. I said, it's my friend's pot. She just. The first friend she saw. She. Hey, you. You should stop bringing that weed over here.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's. Now this is just our apartment. So his mom was not. Was not on the scene. That was. I don't know if she would have said anything. Well, this was early Stu, because my mom still maybe had hopes that maybe I go to college or maybe I would do something like the other Jewish kids. Right. Not to Be you didn't miss anything. Not to be. Didn't miss a damn thing so that we don't take care of ourselves.

[Gina Grad]

And that's why we're better.

[Adam Carolla]

But the good news is, is Chris's dad got his bypass surgery in the joint. So he got it for free.

[Gina Grad]

Come on.

[Dana Gould]

That's something a Jew would do, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Rob a bank before you need the surgery. You guys found some common ground there. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, it cost us 50 grand to get his ticker back on track now, but let's focus on you. This is way too much, way too much of me. Where did you go to college?

[Gina Grad]

I went to Northwestern.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I hear that's a good school.

[Dana Gould]

Good school, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What are they good at?

[Gina Grad]

You know, I was a film major.

[Dana Gould]

Wasn't really anything, ultimately, I needed to.

[Gina Grad]

Go to college for, to be honest. I mean, I could have just moved.

[Adam Carolla]

Out here and gotten a job and just as much. In terms of Utopia becoming a film, how close are we? How.

[Gina Grad]

Well, we were closer before. Before the world kind of collapsed. A lot of people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. You know, money dried up.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

It's hard enough to get that money when you're.

[Gina Grad]

When things are going well, but, yes, it's building back up. A lot of really good actors attached.

[Dana Gould]

And Larry Miller, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

Had read it a few years before and said he was a tat.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever that means. Right. You know, Larry's great in features.

[Gina Grad]

The best.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I love that guy.

[Gina Grad]

He had the biggest, funniest laugh in Valentine's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Me and that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. He's just good. And he's such a great guy, too. I don't know how. Well, you know, I've never met him. He's the nicest goddamn guy on the planet. Yeah, he just. He just is so nice. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

He's a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Did he bring Danish?

[Adam Carolla]

I was about to say the same thing. Jewish. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

But did he.

[Dana Gould]

Who's brought baked goods in the morning besides me?

[Adam Carolla]

I think one other guest in the year we've been doing this. Who, the Steve Harvey? Yeah. I had to be another Jew. I know. Someone's brought. I was going to throw you a curve, Steve, and then I'd go, what's wrong with that? Why is that funny?

[Gina Grad]

That's how naive.

[Adam Carolla]

Black guy. Can't bring. Can't bring a bagel. They don't eat breakfast. I like when people start doing that kind of stuff. So you're saying they don't eat. Yeah, that's what I'm saying they need no sustenance, black people. That's exactly what I'm saying. I was like, so you're saying they're dumber than. That's like one part. I just love someone to go, that's what. Yeah, of course. They're imbeciles. They're imbeciles. I love it. I go, so I love to know the batting average when somebody says it's somebody else. So what you're saying is, is it ever going to be that? Is it ever going to be answered? Exactly. So what you're saying is that all Jews deserve to be burned in oven, Is that what you're saying?

[Gina Grad]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Want some clarity?

[Gina Grad]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. I love it. So what you're saying is just for all the assholes to do the. So what you're saying is indignantly say, so what you're saying. No, it's always going to be wrong. Is that what you're saying? Is that. That's what I'm saying. That's what you're saying. So what you're saying, okay, you're saying that blacks don't deserve to eat, Is that what you're saying?

[Gina Grad]

They don't. But that's not what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, if that's what you're saying, I like that person. All right, that's Adam Kulishow. 291. Coming next we have Adam Kulishow, 1754. We got Jay Moore, David Wild, Gina grad, Brian Bishop from February of 2016. Check it out. Good day, Gina grad.

[Donnie]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Brian, heavyset guy, racist guy, sits in his chair.

[Gina Grad]

You're not quite heavy set yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it a few more years, but you're halfway there. Thank you. Speaking of descriptions, Brian, you'll enjoy this. You know how I feel? Like there should be class action lawsuit against the show. Real sex. Sure. And I'm also convinced it's a little too real. I'm convinced it was. It's gotta be a gaggle of gay dudes or lesbians or I don't know whom behind this thing. But it ain't a straight titty lovin dude, because there's. I've tuned it, I've been fooled. It has the word sex and it's on cable. The original title's like Real Weird Sex or Real Exotic. That makes more sense and it can. Oh, and it started confusing sex. It started like the mid-90s when if you were just scanning through and it's something said sex. You just stop and pop it on. Yeah. And it's always mistress so and so. And she's covered in vulcanized rubber. And if you don't mind a heavyset woman with a German accent who swinging by her nipples off of fish hooks, then this is for you. And it's like, this isn't for me. I just. Just the description. Brian. I'm now. I've been burned so many times.

[Gina Grad]

Don't even bother.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even check in. I don't even hit the okay button. I don't even check into real sex as I'm passing by it. Cause you'll see things you can't unsee. That's right. You'll be haunted. I was just going by real sex. It was like showtime. They're doing a rerun. It's like 1995. Here was the description. Virile Chinese senior citizens. And I was like, I'm out. God, am I out. I'm so fucking. Hey. You ever seen an 83 year old naked but doesn't look a day over 71? You got four words in virile Chinese senior citizens. And I just thought, why? Who's. And there cannot be a straight dude behind the show. No guy, no straight dude has ever sat down to do this.

[Gina Grad]

That's impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

There's some sort of evil lesbian who's punishing us. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

This was for all you young listeners out there. This is the days before the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

This was mid-90s.

[Gina Grad]

There was no online porn. And what was to come would be like still images. Like it was a long time before.

[Adam Carolla]

You could download a movie.

[Gina Grad]

Well. And I feel like it just got us there.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the place. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And every single episode had at least a five minute segment of a really unattractive middle aged couple at an orgy clinic in the woods.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And. Or they would then swing to this man on the street thing.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they pick like a couple and they'd be like, Benton Wall balls. What does that mean to you? And the girls start giggling and they're like, I need something. I can fucking dance. And when I say dance. Right. Jack off to I need something. There's nothing here. How dare you name this show Real Sex. You ever think there was the day around the Real Sex offices where they just finally the two production like heads were like. You don't like a latex? Latex isn't sexy to you, is it? No, it's not sexy to me either. I thought that was your thing.

[Gina Grad]

No, I thought you were into latex.

[Adam Carolla]

You're into all the weird dripping, the chocolate and the candle wax and all that. You're.

[Gina Grad]

You're Jack the candle wax guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone knows that about you. I'm Jack the D cup guy with the tan lines on the 19 year olds and like havasu guy. You're not Jack Dip, the old guy. You got to turn my business card around to get to the rest of it. But that's who this Jack is. We. We've made latex a part of every episode. I know it's embarrassing. I don't want to bring it up, but it's. It's. I. It's. I'm drowning in latex pot committed on latex. Now I. What is. And by the way, they never had that kind of conversation. What percentage who is into that? That's what I'm saying. I mean, isn't it just a trope from a 90s movie that they. That they're. You're into that? Yes. But no one is. Really. Truly. No. Not sexy.

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know how it made it into every episode. Okay. Every episode had something to do with being covered in paint or latex or splotching or bubble. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Or some sitting in food.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Covered in something. Yeah. And they'd always do something and there'd be one of these things where it started off and then it went south. Like, we now visit a strip club, but not like one you've ever seen. Okay, this one's for. This is for ladies who are elderly with cats. Like, how about we just do a run of the mill strip club and I can get a boner here. Jesus goddamn Christ. Elderly Chinese people. Senior said it's virile, virile, Virile. God damn. All right, we got to figure out who's behind this. Max, a pat. I need to know. That's Adam Kroll Show 1754. Coming up next, we have Adam Krill Show 402 with Ileana Douglas, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. This one's from September of 2010. This clip starts as Iliana joins them in studio. Hope you guys enjoy. Ileana, good to see you.

[Dana Gould]

It's good to see you. I like your crib here. When are we gonna play spin the Bottle?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, that's a good plan.

[Dana Gould]

We met before. Do you remember? You know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we did. We met at a. Outdoors. No, indoors. Weren't a liar.

[Dana Gould]

Politically incorrect.

[Adam Carolla]

Indoors or outdoors? Oh, see, that was indoors. Yeah. Politically incorrect. I saw you on tv not doing one of your very famous movies. But house shopping. There was a show that was like. It was like. It was like three or four years ago.

[Dana Gould]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they would just. It was like, you know, realtors to the stars, and they would show and there was a really cool house in like Hancock park or something like that. And first off, I was. I'm always. I don't know how stuff works because they go like, hey, we got the drummer from Third Eye Blind, and he's looking at an $8 million house that's up on Mulholland. And I'm trying to go, he's the drummer from third eye blind. How come he's looking at 8 million dollar house of Mulholland? But I saw Eliana on there and Ileana brought her feng shui chick in there. And I wanted to kick that woman after about 20 minutes with her. But I was thinking, is this Ileana's feng shui chick or did they just introduce her to the feng shui chick? How does it work?

[Dana Gould]

I hate to tell the world it's all fake. It's totally fake. It was fake. I knew the producer, and Tom Arnold is a good friend. He's like, you gotta do this thing. It's great money. You just have to pretend you're buying a house.

[Donnie]

I was like, you weren't even in the market for a house.

[Dana Gould]

No, I had a house.

[Donnie]

And that wasn't your feng shui lady?

[Dana Gould]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a feng shui lady?

[Dana Gould]

I don't. I used her afterwards, though. The funny thing is, I met her and then she did come to my house and did feng shui. But the poor guy, it's all a setup, you know? And then I was there. This guy was so excited to meet me. And then little did he know. Then the feng shui lady started telling what a crappy house she was.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, the doors facing the wrong direction. It's a great way to get the price down. As a matter of fact. Ooh, I just came up with a great plan. I should have my own, like, feng shui dude. If you love your phone but not your carrier, just switch to T Mobile. You can keep your phone, keep your number and we'll help pay it off up to $800 per line. You can also use our saving calculator to compare our plans and streaming benefits against Verizon and AT&T. So switch and keep your phone, keep your number and keep more of your moolah. @t mobile.com up to 4 lines via virtual prepaid card.

[Gina Grad]

Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service port in 90 plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required card has no cash access and expires in six months.

[Adam Carolla]

But like preloaded, you know, with my agenda. Right, yes. And he just shows up at the house and burns a little sage. And then he says to my wife, are you cooking enough lasagna? And she goes, I don't. We use Stouffer. No, no, it's gotta be. Oh, no, Right.

[Donnie]

If you want prosperity.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

You're gonna need to cook the blowjob.

[Adam Carolla]

Corridor is feeling kind of. Oh, my God.

[Donnie]

Put a plant there.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, she was good. Carol Meltzer did in fact later then come to my house after being you.

[Donnie]

Got a feng shui jiu. That's from the name Meltzer.

[Adam Carolla]

Meltzer.

[Dana Gould]

I don't know, I'm not a up on my Jew names.

[Donnie]

High likelihood you didn't bone up on.

[Adam Carolla]

Your Jew names before you came.

[Dana Gould]

I'm Italian. I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks is Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, wait a minute.

[Dana Gould]

I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks, well, you're Corolla. My mom's name is Scivetta, so that's my real. Where are your people from? Where do they hail from?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess Sicily. But really my part that screws. See, you have the Ileana, which is good. That's Italian. The Douglas, that screws up. I have the Atom, which is no good, but I have the Corolla, which is good. So if we did an Ileana. Corolla.

[Dana Gould]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. No way. If you said, hey, my name's Ileana Carolla, you could. Ileana Carolla. AT T Mobile. We'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only $25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest. It's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network.

[Gina Grad]

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[Adam Carolla]

Debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay.

[Gina Grad]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Gina Grad]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Gina Grad]

Stop and balance on required finance agreement to bill credits. And if you pay UP devices early ct mobile.com.

[Adam Carolla]

No one would ever go, whoa, what are you, Jew? Yeah, they know. That's fucking Italian. That's like off the boat Italian. So my first name fucked me up. And your last name?

[Dana Gould]

Fucked me up. Definitely the Douglas. The Sk. I should have gone with a Skivetta or Lombardi.

[Donnie]

Where are your people from?

[Dana Gould]

My people, they're from Astoria, Queens, and Acetura in Verona and different parts of Italy.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you married?

[Dana Gould]

I am not married, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Because, you know, you need to marry Joey Buttafuoca. Nobody would ever question you again.

[Dana Gould]

That is a good reality repaired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the guy's good. He's good. Fender.

[Dana Gould]

I like that. I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a soft touch. From what I can tell, he seems like a kid.

[Dana Gould]

I like that.

[Donnie]

Likes kids.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of kids.

[Dana Gould]

And you get your own. You get your own stalker with him, too. Maybe two. Yeah, he's got a. Oh, he looks different.

[Adam Carolla]

He's kind of turning into Marlon Brando. Yeah, actually, it's kind of a race between him and Steven Seagal to see which one turns into Marlon Brand first.

[Donnie]

Speaking of, did you guys see Machete, by any chance?

[Dana Gould]

Steven Seville.

[Donnie]

It is so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

Robert Rodriguez is a genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Who talked you into Machete?

[Donnie]

I know. I was dreading it. This is the last movie I would ever see because it's kind of violent and cartoony. It's not my thing. I can. And I thought, De Niro's gotta be firing his agent because what's he doing in this movie? Well, Ileana's working and now I'm thinking people must be fighting to work with Robert Rodriguez. He's a complete genius. Yes, he's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Eliana, flip your headphones around so that your cord's not dragging your. You just got like, here. There you go. Yeah, it's functional.

[Dana Gould]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time. So. Yeah. Sorry. So, good movie. So good movie.

[Donnie]

And of course, Jessica Alba's in it because you've pointed out that she has to be in. There's some rule where she has to be in, like, 80% of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

There is a rule. Well, quota is getting low. It's sort of. It's sort of like if you live in Canada and you own a radio station, you have to play like, 80% of, you know, guess who and Bryan Adams and all that kind of shit. Like, you have to play like 80% Canadian bands or something like that homegrown thing. I think the same thing with movies. That's Jessica Alva. She lost too much weight. Is she look too.

[Dana Gould]

She looks like Brittany Murphy.

[Donnie]

She looked amazing in the movie. You know who?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, is she naked?

[Donnie]

She. Almost everyone's naked. Michelle Rodriguez looks. Her body is phenomenal.

[Adam Carolla]

She scares.

[Dana Gould]

What about De Niro? Is he naked?

[Adam Carolla]

Is he Naked.

[Donnie]

De Niro. It's hilarious. Basically, he plays kind of like Sheriff Arpaio. You know that guy?

[Dana Gould]

Why is he in the movie? Is he.

[Donnie]

He's brilliant. He plays like this tough on immigration senator. It's truly.

[Adam Carolla]

Now this thing's driving me insane.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Not your fault, baby. I'll just put it right over your shoulder. I don't know if you guys remember this, but speaking of Dinero Ileana had one of the all time great love scenes with Robert Dairo and Cape Fear.

[Dana Gould]

Foreplay.

[Adam Carolla]

What did he do to you? Refresh the audience's memory.

[Dana Gould]

Well, he beat the crap out of me, but I hate to say in between takes, he was a big Three Stooges fan. So he used to do like Three Stooges really? Things? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sort of her cheek off. Oh, yeah. He like brought you back to the room and.

[Dana Gould]

Yes, I met him at the bar. He picked me up at the bar and after Nick Nolte had broken up with me, sure. That's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We're looking at a picture of him.

[Dana Gould]

Doing what he did to that poor.

[Adam Carolla]

Lady in the hotel room. Two days to shoot that unbelievable movie.

[Donnie]

That was your first film?

[Dana Gould]

My first big movie. I was in Goodfellas and some other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that Goddamn Goodfellas. God damn, do I love that Goodfellas.

[Dana Gould]

But it was hard. Yeah, it hurt. And he did. He kept putting the handcuffs on me and I was all bruised and cut up and I never complained because I was so excited. And he said that I was. He goes, you're a real trooper. He goes, not like Charles Cronin. He's a real pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

He fucked Charles Crow.

[Dana Gould]

He was talking about Midnight Running.

[Adam Carolla]

Midnight Run. I thought he just plastic. I thought he meant socially. I don't know. Yeah, no, that is. So now it's two days of filming.

[Dana Gould]

16 hours. The first day, 16 hours. It was like he actually hopped off the bed and said to Marty, I think she's done.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow.

[Donnie]

He called uncle for you.

[Dana Gould]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

And what. What are you able to wear without.

[Dana Gould]

Nothing. I'm wearing a bra. I'm wearing my underwear. I'm in my. My underwear there. As fans come up to me and ask me to sign pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

And was it insane that. I mean, here you are. This is your first big film. Obviously you're well aware of Bobby De Niro. And not only that, but Scorsese. I mean, you must have been a fan of Raging Bull. Other efforts. So now all of a sudden you're with the guy. Except for you really wish he'd just fucking leave you alone at some point. Like, it's just weird. Be careful what you ask for. Like, did you ever think on, like, day number two, hour 14, where you'd be like, I wish this fucker was never born?

[Dana Gould]

When I.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, because when I was in school, I mean, I used to always get the comedy parts. I did not think I was going to be doing drama things. In fact, I went to school with this guy, Elias Katayos, who sort of looks like De Niro. He used to run into me and say, how come you ended up with my life, you know, like, doing all these dramas? So. But, you know, I was in it, and they just made it really real. And we had sort of an idea of what it was gonna be like beforehand, but it was intense. At a certain point, it was like, just film torture.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's weird. I mean, I. I made one movie, so let's. I don't have much to split. Speak about, but I always tell people in a movie, like, I go, look, if you're playing a Vietnam soldier and you're in a swamp, and, you know, there's explosions going off and stuff, you're not actually in Vietnam and you're not actually in. Your life is not in danger, but you're still standing in a swamp for 14 hours. Like, whatever you're watching, it's not computer generated. You're standing there. If Sly Stallone is hanging upside down and getting whipped, he's hanging upside down and getting whipped. I mean, it takes something out of you. And whatever they're doing, whatever Bobby Dinero's doing to you, he's at least three quarters of the way doing it, Right?

[Dana Gould]

Yeah. It's about as real as. You know, you just go into a zone. I mean, it's very long stories, but I could just. I'd get there in the morning and just prepare. And then the whole thing with the biting and the. How long that took, but, you know, it was very physical. They had to flip me on my stomach and put the handcuffs on me. And they'd have to. I'd have to just scream and cry. And then, you know, Marty would want a certain level of screaming again. It was intense.

[Adam Carolla]

And obviously you were in no position to go, come on, Marty, we got it. Let's move on.

[Dana Gould]

When you're a young actor, you're like, break my arm right off if it's good. You know what I mean? I was.

[Donnie]

So if it looks more real, bite my cheek.

[Dana Gould]

Just do it.

[Adam Carolla]

So how old Were you? And then I guess Goodfellas was before. No.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, Goodfellas was before. I did New York stories and Goodfellas, and then I had the tiny little part in a movie called Guilty by Suspicion, and I was working with De Niro on that, and then the Cape Fear came up.

[Adam Carolla]

So Scorsese basically just goes, I like this group of actors, and I comfortable with them, and I want to work with them.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, I mean, I. Well, I met him. I was on last. I got a job dubbing Screams for Last Temptation of Christ. That was like my crazy how I met him.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dana Gould]

Yeah. I dubbed Screams for Barbara Hershey when she got the rocks thrown at her. And so I did. That's how we met. And during the process of meeting, they were casting New York stories, and so I auditioned for New York Stories, and then I got in New York Stories, and then after that, they were doing. Which was then called Wise Guys and Goodfellas. I auditioned for that, so I sort of got in that way. So I was always near De Niro. I would be in Goodfellas. I got to talk before there was, like, a gigantic tracking shot where, like, Sam Jackson is in and Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro and I got to talk, and then he would talk afterwards. So it was like. That seemed really exciting. And then Guilty by Suspicion, I actually got to do scenes with him. And then from that, then they recommended me for Cape Fear, the.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, Goodfellas and Casino, which is running quite a bit on cable these days, which, again, Casino is a great movie. It's just Goodfellas is one of the greatest movies of all time. Whereas, like, Goodfellas to me is probably top five movies ever made and casinos top 100 or maybe even top 50. And it's sad that Casino is such a great movie and kind of overlooked because nothing can be Goodfellas.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, everything is Goodfellas and just all the people that are in it, too. It. For me, it's like a whole movie. Michael Imperioli and.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

My God, by the way, she's going. She's going. She was in one of your favorite movies, and she's going to be on one of your favorite television shows playing Ari's wife's sister on Entourage.

[Dana Gould]

That's right. Really Mrs. Ari's sister.

[Adam Carolla]

When can we look forward to that?

[Dana Gould]

This Sunday. Gonna be mixing it up with the great Jeremy Piven. Perry. Yeah, it's gonna be great. I'm very excited about it. It was a really fun episode to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, how does that work? Do they just say they want Ileana Douglas to play this, or do they have to come in and read for it? Or how does that process work?

[Dana Gould]

This was something that was kind of in the works with Doug Ellen. There was a talk about me doing a part, maybe playing Jeremy Piven's sister, and then that didn't work out. And then he just called me and he said, I've got the part for you to play Mrs. Ari's sister. And that way it could be something that could continue next year. And I just. Just had an amazing time. They were so great on the show. It's a really cool part. It's sort of. He's met his match a little bit with me, so we mix it up quite a bit. And he was just awesome to play with. And Doug was amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that goddamn show.

[Dana Gould]

I know. It's the greatest. It was a thrill.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because it sort of. It has its weird because it got out of the gate a little slow this year, and it's just picked up. The last four or five episodes have been real strong. But people do that thing where they go like, oh, it's Lost, it's whatever. Last year wasn't as good as the year before that. And I'm always like, I don't care. It's Entourage. I've always, always enjoyed it. I just love that little. Love that little world.

[Dana Gould]

It's so iconic. Well, that's always the challenge when you come on a show like that. Not to be like, oh, my God, I'm on Entourage. You know, it's. You got to sort of stay in the moment.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but I mean, De Niro bit your cheek off. You know what I mean? You always have that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Dana Gould]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The thing is, once you get raped by De Niro, you know, everything, it's all just a cakewalk after that.

[Dana Gould]

That's so funny, because when I'm doing movies, I do a lot of low budget independent films, and sometimes they're so low rent. You're always thinking, you know, one day you're working with De Niro, and the next day you're changing environment flags. Or they're putting flags up around you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

And it's Subway Sandwich for craft services.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. Or Panda Express. Right, Express.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we should say that Ileana has herself a little web series.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. Love to get you on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to do it. It's called Easy to Assemble and Tell me how it works. Because I like this idea of Assembling.

[Dana Gould]

Things Easy to assemble. We've been doing it for three, three years. We're actually in the middle of shooting. We shot the first half and then we're going to go back and shoot again in the beginning of October. And it shows on. You can watch it on mydamnchannel easytoassembleseries.com it's about me. I give up show business to go work at an Ikea. But unfortunately my showbiz passed. I cannot escape it when my friend Justine Bateman comes and starts working there and upstages me. She starts doing a talk show there called 40 and Bitter, which becomes a huge hit. And then I sort of start competing with her for co worker of the year. And then where we've left off is I've won co worker of the Year. I invented the meatball delivery system and the whole season.

[Adam Carolla]

The Swedish meatball.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. And this. So this year everything takes place in Sweden and we've got amazing cast. Craig Bierko is in it. Ed Begley.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that Eden.

[Dana Gould]

He's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, if I'm on the show, who will I be raping? You or Justine?

[Dana Gould]

Well, since I'm the writer, producer, I'm going to say it'll be me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Dana Gould]

You could have played a Swedish God named Nakin.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, my name is Nakin. I have the Swedish meatball.

[Dana Gould]

Actually, we do need a comedian for. For the opening act of 40 and bitter in Sweden. Because I have a line. I go, what poor schmuck gets booked to open for Justine Bateman?

[Adam Carolla]

Cut to, our meatballs are smaller than. Well, you're not Italian, you're a Jew. But if you weren't a Jew and you were really Italian, then you would know that you have a fuller size of meatball. I think I could cover that. That'd be awesome.

[Dana Gould]

You got it. You got the part.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the reality is, I think from a lot of comedians I talk to who go abroad and play everywhere, that if you're in Sweden and you had a stand up, he'd probably be from New Jersey.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, well, I mean, it wouldn't make.

[Adam Carolla]

Sense story wise, but you probably end up getting stuck with some guy who you knew from out here.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, I, you know. Well, it could be if. It might be Kevin Pollock, but if you play your card at T Mobile.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

$5 more per line without autopay.

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Up to 830 off each phone via.

[Adam Carolla]

24 monthly bill credits plus taxes, fees.

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[Adam Carolla]

Continue build credits or credit stop and.

[Gina Grad]

Balance on required finance agreement to bill credits and if you pay UP devices early CT mobile.com cards.

[Dana Gould]

Right. You could be there too.

[Adam Carolla]

I shall. Now, how does it work?

[Dana Gould]

Is does shooting right there in an Ikea? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So this Ikea lake.

[Dana Gould]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Does IKEA underwrite this? And then if they do underwrite it, how much say do they have as far as content goes? And are they, I mean, I assume they're not. Wouldn't near be nearly as uptight as like Coca Cola. No, they're one of our crappy American companies.

[Dana Gould]

They're unbelievable. I mean the opening of this of season two is me and Tom Arnold is trying to convince me to have a. To revive my career by shooting a sex tape with him. And then we send it to this TMZ type place. Spazzy Sheridan. But they have no interest in it. But they tell him to send it to National Geographic. But so we're shooting this sex tape, Jerry O Terry said it's fine in his living room. And then it pans out to reveal that we've actually shot it in the middle of Ikea. And so I explained, you know, when I pitched this to them, they luckily I've got the greatest boss. And he just laughs and he goes, keep it family friendly though. Family friendly.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's sweet when everyone's walking around naked with a glass of wine in their hand at 14. Then that is family friendly.

[Donnie]

It's a great marketing idea for Ikea because the series looks funny.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. Got. We got amazing people. Tim Meadows is in this part of the storyline. Tim Meadows. We're all in Sweden now. So Tim Meadows gets tapped by a Swedish director, Stig Martenson, to star in a Swedish buddy movie called 48 Hours of Daylight.

[Adam Carolla]

Stig's name should have been Marty Martenson. That would be a nice callback.

[Dana Gould]

Well, I did the. Oh, you see the first person who got that Martinson, Stig Martenson. There's always a little. He'll be the Marty of Sweden.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're allergic to a good conversation. Bob Brush. Yeah, I'm dying over here, dude. Sorry. I love this. And Tom Arnold, Great guy. Tom Arnold is one of these guys who you sort of. It's funny because you think he's not going to be as good as he is, but he's really good. And you almost kind of hope he's not gonna be as good as he is, but he's good and he's a really nice guy. And it's like, I think I feel like he's turned this town around. I feel like there's a lot of Tom Arnold haters. Five, eight years ago in this town. And now everyone is like, I love that guy.

[Donnie]

Yeah, he did a Jay Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he pulled a Jay Moore. Everyone thought he was an A hole five years ago. Now I've done so many movies with him. Wait a minute. Yeah, with Tommy.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, my God. He's, you know, so I can't escape him. We've so many times we've been in like low budget movies and. Jesus, which one was that? That was Rocket with Jimmy Fallon. I think that's at Sundance, but in the show. So we wrote into the show that he's my. You know, that we have a pretend relationship because he's always between marriages or girlfriends. And so he would ask me to go to public events with him to be his pretend girlfriend. In fact, one time I walked. He was with the girl that he was so embarrassed by that he made me walk the press line. And then at the end of the line, he met the girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

How'd that go over with her?

[Adam Carolla]

We think it was funny.

[Dana Gould]

I don't know. I thought it was funny. I write it into the show.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess you thought it was funny. You weren't the one who was going around the back of the building to meet him on the other side of the red carpet.

[Dana Gould]

Look at us.

[Donnie]

That's so cute.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Dana Gould]

This is our pretend relationship. It's very successful.

[Donnie]

The woman who plays the cost publicist of Vince on Entourage. I feel like you and she have to have intersected in this before.

[Adam Carolla]

Debbie.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Debbie Mason, of course, again from Goodfell is the one.

[Donnie]

Right? That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you both have amazing eyes.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Piercing eyes. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

So there's.

[Donnie]

So you and Tom Arnold never have. You've never been interested in having an actual relationship with him?

[Dana Gould]

No. Except on the show because we decided that a real relationship would just. Would destroy us.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, speaking of relationships. Not married?

[Dana Gould]

Yes. No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Unmarried. Were you divorced?

[Dana Gould]

Jesus. That's a good question. I was briefly married, yes. Many, many years ago. I don't refer to that exorcism.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't care to be married again?

[Dana Gould]

Probably not. Probably not. The one was. It was. Yeah, it was enough. It was. It was pretty much enough.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not all bad.

[Dana Gould]

No, it was the, the wrong person, clearly, to, to be married. My movie marriages have gone very well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we saw the De Niro clip. Although you guys were just dating at the time.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, actually, you know what's strange is I always thought it'd be. I've been paired up with a lot of comedians like you said. Jay Moore, I've been Garry Shandling's girlfriend, Jay Moore's girlfriend, Drew Carey's girlfriend. Like a series of Kelsey Grammer's girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, you know what it is? I think you're very attractive, but not blonde headed and blonde haired, I should say. And in a sort of traditional Barbie kind of way. So you can kind of do that thing where you go, I could see him getting her.

[Donnie]

Drew Carey could get.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sees like when Pam Anderson shows up, it's too traditional. So you go like, no way. That slob's not fucking her. Come on. He works at a department store in Cleveland. But Ileana is beautiful. But you do the. She's exotic enough looking.

[Donnie]

It's the Leah Remini niche where you go, I guess Kevin James could get her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He drives a UPS truck.

[Dana Gould]

It's funny. I auditioned to be your wife on your TV show. What happened to that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, joke's on me. Nothing happened.

[Donnie]

Next thing you know, you're on an IKEA show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

On your channel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can I get a gig? It's that Swedish comedian. Listen, I don't make the decisions over there on NBC or CBS or wherever the hell we were. When you were talking to my wife. Oh yeah, it must have been CBS or something like that.

[Dana Gould]

Well, you know what they always do is they always say to you, no, this is coming directly from Adam, he loved. And then you come in and, and you're not there. No one's there. And there's a video camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, spiritually at least. They do a lot of weird stuff like, I didn't know how the game was played. They'll do a chemistry test with you, but they won't read for you. Or you can talk to them, but it's not an official conversation. Or you can have lunch, but you can't talk about the script. It's this weird. It's such a weird thing. And it was the most uncomfortable thing in the world to me. The casting process. I couldn't believe it. First off, it's. I Have. I've said it once, said it a million times. I don't have low self esteem. I have no self esteem. And it's like I don't exist. I come from this family that didn't acknowledge anyone else was in the family. So when I'm sitting there and I'm seeing like Patricia Arquette reading to be my wife, I want to stand up and go, no, no, no. What are you doing here? Are you kidding? I should be fixing your house. How come?

[Donnie]

I'm not fixing your house or any shelves.

[Adam Carolla]

I should be on your roof right now.

[Donnie]

Right. Do you need your oil change?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing here? Yeah, it's this weird thing. I think it was Roseanne Arquette actually, who had a. She had a breakdown. Like, I was there when Roseanne Arquette left show business.

[Donnie]

That was the moment. And you witnessed it.

[Adam Carolla]

I was there. And I wouldn't. It wasn't the kind of thing where I like, it wouldn't be murder one, but it would definitely be manslaughter, you know, involuntary manslaughter. But I.

[Donnie]

You ran her over. I backed over in your acting car.

[Adam Carolla]

I only had some Robitussin. I wasn't drunk.

[Dana Gould]

Shattered mirrors.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she literally, literally started reading. You know, you'd sit at the big fucking oak table, sit there with the producers and everything. And she just. Oh, yeah, Toto, Rosanna, thank you. Go ahead and play it. I like that song. Yeah, I got it just off this. And she, she started reading and she went like, you know, can I stop? And. And it's just weird. There's a bunch of weird stuff. As you know, they. Every casting director or person is like a heavyset Jewish woman. And it's weird when the heavyset Jewish woman is supposed to be playing the brillo headed dude with the nasally tone, you know, and they're playing my wife, except for they're not acting with me. I'm sitting right across the table. They're acting with the heavyset Jewish woman, but they're saying, Adam, why can't you ever make love to me and be passionate about it?

[Donnie]

If you're standing 10ft away, 4ft away, I'm sitting. You don't read with the.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't get to read with me.

[Donnie]

Until they move up to the next level.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm just sitting there while they're looking at the heavyset Jewish broad saying, Adam, you're not passionate in bed anymore. I feel like you're head somewhere else. And they're just doing this thing and I'm just Sitting there, and it's so like, Roseanne. Roseanne Arquette came out. She had, like. She. When she said, can I start over? And then she, like, did a. Can I start over? And then at a certain point, she just had a fucking meltdown. She was like, I don't know what. Why do. Why am I doing this? You guys know who I am. You know what I've done? Like, you've seen what I can do. I've done a thousand movies. I've done a thousand things. Why am I here?

[Donnie]

Adam's right there. This is fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

And then here was the sad part for me. I wanted to actually just crawl up inside my scrotum like it was a pillowcase and pull it over my head. She kept turning to me and going, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, don't be sorry. Fine. Go nuts. Like, I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Donnie]

You shouldn't have to come from Risky Business. Am I getting Pulp Fiction?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I think, yeah. No, no, not in After Hours.

[Gina Grad]

After Hours.

[Adam Carolla]

After Hours. Great in that. A bunch of movies, a bunch of.

[Donnie]

TV shows to go. Just rent After Hours. I know what I'm doing. Either you want me for this job, or you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Or.

[Donnie]

Chemistry test, I think is fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Because you don't know. Even if someone's amazing, that's fair. But why is she reading with a casting director?

[Adam Carolla]

And she's just like, I'm so sorry. I can't do this. I can't. And. And for women, there's this crazy thing that really, this. What this town does to them is especially when you're an arquette. You were the belle of the ball for many years, but now you're in your later 40s, and you're just not going to be the young ingenue anymore. You got an awesome song written about you. Yeah. And so now she's like, what am I doing here? I don't. I shouldn't have to do this. And she's not angry. She's more like, really? Yeah. And she's, like, humiliating. Humiliating. And plus, I'm just a fucking doofus. Like, what credits do I have? I do radio. You know why she kissing my ass? And so she's that. But she's looking at me, and she's apologizing for her breakdown. And I don't know what to say. You know when someone's apologizing and you can't really talk them down. I know. No, no. Yeah. No, it's okay. It's okay. Is there a sister on a really successful TV show? Probably her brother is a very successful actress.

[Donnie]

I wonder if she was the first one to really be on the map.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and she was the first one. And she's so beautiful. But she's knocking on the door 50 and she's like, not. Her phone's probably not ringing so much in this town and she's having to slum it by going and audition for fucking radio schmucks. And so I felt for her, but that was her. It was sort of her exit from.

[Donnie]

And then I think she made a documentary. She interviewed women in show business.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. I heard she should be on 40 and Bitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Donnie]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

An episode of 40 and Bitter. You have to come in and audition for me.

[Donnie]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but agree wholeheartedly.

[Donnie]

You have to. You have to do the pre read.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

You don't get to go right to the. I mean, have you had any of these humiliating auditions?

[Dana Gould]

Well, now I see. I feel like you. Like, I take it all in stride, you know, because I. I'm like you. I just go in and laugh about it. And I've never really had a melt. I mean, I laugh. I. You know, I laugh. I mean, Alan Parker, who was my idol growing up, I'd seen Fame a million times.

[Donnie]

I love it. Evita.

[Dana Gould]

And I went and auditioned for him and I was really thinking. I was. I was like, I'm gonna get this part. I was crying up a storm. I was like, this is going really well. He just looked at me and he goes, who sent you here to torture me?

[Donnie]

No, he didn't.

[Dana Gould]

I was like, oh, my God, I.

[Donnie]

Have to rethink my love of Fame.

[Dana Gould]

I know. I was. I stopped. He just got up and he started making phone calls. And he was like. He goes, is Franny in here? Francis McDormand. He goes, can we send Franny in? And he just. And I was there with like, my Kleenex going, I guess I should. Do I go now or do I.

[Adam Carolla]

What was that movie? Do you remember? Here's.

[Dana Gould]

It was the one with Laura Flynn Boyle got the part. It was about the. Kellogg's Flake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I. Oh, the Road to Wellville. Road to Wellville.

[Dana Gould]

Road to Wellville.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Very good call.

[Dana Gould]

That is it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what happens to all the actors and actresses who are out auditioning and listening to this? Here's a tip. They'll tell you, like, we're going to read two scenes. We'll read the kitchen scene and the Bedroom scene. And then at some point at the end of the afternoon when everyone gets all burnt out, they've seen 50 people and they don't like any of them, they go, fuck it. Just have them read the kitchen scene. But they'll do a little code. They'll go, if anyone here thinks this person has potential, go, oh, yeah, just read. Read the bedroom scene too. You know what I mean? So if you're ever an actor or an actress and you think you're gonna read both scenes because you only read one, that means they don't want to see the next one because they do a lot of. They'll do the perfect. Will go, oh, I prepared all three scenes. And they'll go, yeah, I know. No, we're not doing that. But they are doing it. They like you. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

My personal favorite was going to audition for something. And I walk in the building and I see Richard Lewis in the parking lot. Oh, Eliana, how's it going? And I walk. He goes, please, after you. And we walk down the hall and, oh, you're going in the same. And we turn one hall, hall, get to the thing. We both get our sides and we look at each other and we are reading for the same part.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Because they didn't know.

[Donnie]

They weren't sure.

[Dana Gould]

They weren't sure if they were going to go as a woman or as a man. And it was like we were laughing so hard. And then after I saw him, like later and I said, who got the part? And he goes, they went fat. Wayne Newman got the part.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he's a Jew who could pass for an Italian. Newman.

[Dana Gould]

Me, Richard Lewis and Wayne Newman.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Donnie]

When I first.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you?

[Donnie]

The first year I moved here, I was auditioning for commercials because that was the only. You know, that was the only. Those are the only auditions I could get. Never got a callback. Was just way, way too ethnic looking and probably bad. But my last one. Thank you. My last one was a suit of.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear ethnic looking and I think bad. That's how racist I am.

[Donnie]

A combination of both.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going fast.

[Donnie]

Yeah, they went fast. Then they could have used me, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

So then I.

[Donnie]

So I go, it's a Sudafed commercial. And you don't know what you're going to do until you get there. There's no lines, of course. And so they said, the story here is that this woman has such a terrible cold, she's in bed, that her head is like a boulder. And what you're going to See in the commercial is then I'm not kidding. Okay, so we're going to need to lie on this mattress like as if it's a bed. Because we want to see what it's really going to be like. And they have like an old. Like this was from a porn set with a dirty sheet. And then they had a bag for me to put over my head.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Bobby Dinero's gonna rape you from behind.

[Donnie]

I wish. Because in the commercial you're not gonna be able to use your facial expressions. So can you put this bag over your head so we can see what your body language would be like? And I just had a moment where I stepped outside myself and I thought, I'm gonna go on this mat. I'm gonna compete with 100 other girls by lying on this mattress with a bag over my head to convey that I have a cold. In a 30 second commercial, like, I don't want to do this ever again.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like Cocoa and fame where it was. Take your top off now, sweetie.

[Donnie]

I wish.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell the truth. Not the last time you had a casting director ask you about a bag. They're just spinning bad.

[Dana Gould]

But doesn't it just become one big anecdote after a while?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess, like you don't even roll anymore.

[Dana Gould]

It's like, you know, at a certain point it all becomes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Dana Gould]

And I put it all in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

And is there anyone other than the aforementioned Jeremy Piven that hasn't been turned down 250,000 times?

[Dana Gould]

For the love of Christ, everybody.

[Donnie]

Was there a part you were ever just so close to and you knew you'd be good for and didn't get, oh, of course.

[Dana Gould]

I mean, everybody's had that. I mean, there was. And I won't say the movie because the girl did win an Oscar for it. And my mother, who's Italian, always used to be like, I can't. My cousin Moonstruck.

[Adam Carolla]

Why can't you say it's no disrespect to her, right?

[Dana Gould]

She won an Oscar because I may want to work with the director, the writer director again. Because it was he. It was between me and this girl. And around the 10th time, I was driving to his house in Malibu to do the part. It was like I'd get there at 8 in the morning and leave at 8 o'clock at night. I mean, he would call and then it was almost abusive. My agent at the time was like, you are not going to his house, like one more time. But when you're an actor, you know, you're just like, I want to do the part, I want to get the part.

[Donnie]

You'll jump through any hoops.

[Dana Gould]

You just do anything to. You lose all self respect. I'm like driving to this guy's house, he'd be like, I'd get there and he'd go, let's go for a walk, Iliana. And like, we'd walk and do you.

[Donnie]

Think he was liking you? Like liking you?

[Dana Gould]

It was so psychotic. After a certain point, you know, you just, you're like, I have a guess.

[Adam Carolla]

If I got it rightly, tell me. Monster's ball.

[Dana Gould]

Monsters ball. No, it was not Monsters Ball. But we've all had, I think the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy must have. Here's how guys work. If they don't like you. Like, if you're £300, you wouldn't be. When I did Dancing with the Stars, I had Juliana Hough, who's the hot blonde, you know, And I'm like, how much would you practice with Apollo, Ohno and Saldasar, whatever, the F word. Helio Castronettis, F1 driver, CART, Formula One, whatever. And they'd go like, she'd go, oh, at the end, we'd go like 13 hours a day. And I'd go, 13 hours. And she'd go, yeah. And then she paused and she's like the hottest little 19 year old on the planet. Then she paused and she goes, but a lot of the time it's just us sitting around, talking, talking. And I thought they wanted to fuck you. And she's like, nah, they were nice, you know, But I was like, believe me.

[Donnie]

I went a 10 hour walk at his house multiple times. He wanted a piece of that cheek.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. No question.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah. You never know. You never know. But you're trying to, you know, get in the mood.

[Donnie]

And you don't want to be flirty, but also you're trying to be charming.

[Adam Carolla]

That's part of your job.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, yeah. So that's why I say I don't want to, you know, offend him in any way.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dana Gould]

Well, he's a heartbreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, if the, if the person that was cast over you wins the Oscar, that's.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, it's a hard.

[Donnie]

That was a good role.

[Adam Carolla]

As a good role. No, but it's like losing to the eventual super bowl champion. It's like, I lost, but they want to win the super bowl, so it's obviously a great.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but that could have been her Oscar.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So we're thinking Marisa Tomei, that's what we're thinking, right?

[Donnie]

That was my first time.

[Dana Gould]

I must say I can, I certainly lost a lot of parts to Marissa.

[Adam Carolla]

I can have her taken care of if you like.

[Dana Gould]

No, no, she's very talented.

[Donnie]

Ah, the wrestler.

[Dana Gould]

A part that I did lose to her also. I must have auditioned, you know, again. After the eighth time you lose consciousness, you know, when they bring you in and you meet this studio person and that studio person. Yeah, and. Yeah, but it's all, it'll all be in the book. But look at her. I mean she's, you know, so you.

[Donnie]

Show up and she's almost always there.

[Dana Gould]

No, no, they usually, you know, you test.

[Donnie]

She doesn't actually have to.

[Dana Gould]

In the old days, it used to be me, Debbie, Marissa.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be amazing.

[Dana Gould]

Larafluy right. We'd all be sitting in a row.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey guys, exactly t you want to mop up with the rest of of the news?

[Donnie]

I'd love to.

[Gina Grad]

And now the rest of the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Donnie]

Speaking of Jessica Alba and how she's in every movie. Well, of course we have to follow Joel McHale because he used to be on our show every week and he's a friend of the show and it's nice to see his career take off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a card carrying NAMBLA member.

[Donnie]

Even despite that fact, he is in talks to star alongside Jessica Alba in Robert Rodriguez's Spy Kids 4. He would play a spy hunting reporter who is married to Jessica Alba's character, Darryl, Sober dyke.

[Adam Carolla]

He's spoke to him semi recently. He's got the bird watching movie I think in the can. He's got another one coming out maybe the end of the year. There's one about bird watching. This is called Bird Watchers or something but I heard about it. I didn't know he was in it. Les McKay will do. Is this your first time in radio? Yeah. Come on. Les McHale. Yeah, that was, that was a cry of our program director when we did terrestrial radio. Didn't think Joel McHale had it. So he's, he's got a couple movies coming out. Of course his series Community got picked up for a second season and he's doing like tons of stand up now too. The guy's just going insane.

[Dana Gould]

Does he still do stand up?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I am forced to do stand up against my will and better judgment because I don't really have a job. I never did stand up in the past. People just assumed I did stand up. I never liked it. I never, I couldn't enjoy it. Or something.

[Dana Gould]

I did it briefly. I hated it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, me too. Now I do four and a half hours a fucking night. Yeah, we're going on the road. Jesus. Tomorrow, I guess. Which today we're going to Portland and we're going to Seattle and we're going to. Jesus. The bird movie. Sacramento. Yeah, the bird movie's called the Big Year, by the way. Yeah, don't mind it. No problem with it.

[Donnie]

You hated it, Eliana.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, it was so. Yeah. I mean, being a female comedian, it's just the antithesis of. It's just such a tough life and go on at 11 o'clock at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, I couldn't. Like here, here's the. Here's the thing. I couldn't imagine doing it at a lower level than I do it without sounding like a prick. I mean, they're gonna fly me to Seattle. We've almost sold out at 1800 seat theater, the Moore Theater. I'll go out there and do one show and then we'll go to Portland or wherever the next day. But if I was just playing some comedy barn and there was 22 people in the audience and I wasn't getting paid the money, I'm getting paid and it was a hassle and the club owner said, not so fast with that Miller Light, I'd be fucking miserable. I mean, I'm miserable now and I'm staying in nice hotels and playing great theaters and playing great club.

[Dana Gould]

Theater is great, like. And I work with Paul Tompkins a lot and things like that are fun and that, you know, but like that, you know, you're in the basement, you go up and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It's the kind of thing where I guess it's sort of the difference between, you know, AAA ball and the show. I mean, yeah, playing baseball would be awesome in Yankee Stadium, but I don't know, playing for the mud hands in front of nine drunken people, then going on a long bus ride with no air conditioning for no pay. It doesn't sound so hot. I ain't exactly in Yankee Stadium, but it's. I. What I did is I couldn't do. I started off doing stand up like open mics and it was horrible and I couldn't get any traction. I didn't get any money. And then I took 15 years off and just sort of became a C list celebrity and then went back at a much higher level than I was at, which was open mic.

[Dana Gould]

You're a good storyteller.

[Donnie]

Yeah, yeah. That's more along the lines of what you do. It's not like set up punchline. There's generally a story.

[Dana Gould]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Right. Okay, I'll get to this quickly, and then I'll wrap up a happy story out of Florida, which is nice. In stark contrast to the aforementioned Quran burning. Okay. You know that pina colada song? That's not called that. But you always think it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's called Escape.

[Donnie]

Escape.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Okay. Of us to know that, Rupert Holmes. Oh, man. Man, I just wrung a vagina.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God.

[Donnie]

I can loan you a slender tampon if you need one. If it's a light flow day.

[Adam Carolla]

If it's a heavy flow day, I'm just spotting.

[Donnie]

Okay. A woman in Florida is marrying the man who once fired her from her job. Kelly Irish was terminated from the West Winds Assisted living facility in 2007 by a boss she barely knew. Well, she was crushed, but she had to move on with her life. So one night, nearly a year after getting fired, she goes on, I had.

[Adam Carolla]

To shit can my nerves. She wasn't changing bedpans. Rolled up a pink slip, told her to put it up her ass. So she became a prostitute working the kings.

[Dana Gould]

So those are the words.

[Adam Carolla]

Two years later, you never hear this.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, you never hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm married. Turn a trick. We got married. If you like Cannon employees, the guy who sung this song is, like, one of the nerdiest, least attractive guys on the planet, which is, I don't know, somewhat ironic, really. His name is Rupert, and he's nerdy.

[Donnie]

Yeah, I can't imagine Rupert.

[Adam Carolla]

Ho.

[Donnie]

Yeah, she got canned. And then she went on a dating site and took a personality test in the hopes of finding her perfect match. And when she saw the results, it was none other than Casey O'Keefe, the same guy who fired her. They started dating despite their past, and now they're getting married.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's sweet. And when are they gonna burn the Quran?

[Donnie]

That'll be at the after party, I guess. Maybe. Yeah, maybe they'll do that on the honeymoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Donnie]

Yeah. And she got her job back.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

So it's a beautiful, beautiful ending for Kelly Irish.

[Adam Carolla]

I have my own version of burning the Quran.

[Donnie]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it's a sort of, you know, civil disability. Not disability.

[Donnie]

Civil disability.

[Dana Gould]

Disobedience.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I should be on disability. I was thinking. I was thinking about my kids, and I was thinking about them not being able to bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at school and all that kind of stuff, and I thought, what if we just picked one day where we just Bum rushed a system with peanut butter. Meaning, like, you know, they do those national smoke off or smoke out days and the national whatever rideshare day or whatever it is. And like, when you're in school, they do the book drop or they go like at 2:05. Everyone dropped their book at exactly the same time. And the clock hits the whatever. What if we did a thing where we could get it underwritten by Peter Pan or Skippy or something, but just every parent in America just said, you know what? December 1st, PB&J. Monday, everyone packs a PB&J and we all fucking take it to the school at the same time. Like, we all do. And then we start arranging. We do these things like the X Prize, which is. And. Oh, now. Now I'm getting scary. Now, here's what it is. Nobody pays a parking ticket. Nobody sends it in. Like, everyone unites. Like, nobody. Like, if they want you to pay it, they're sending 500,000 notices. We just totally. Or everyone who gets a moving violation fights it. Everyone just. Everyone just like, we just do this thing and we just. We take these things that we don't like that we think are sort of we're heading the wrong direction as a society. Like, few too many parking tickets and kids being pulled out of the class in leg irons because you brought the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I think we can all agree we're going in the wrong direction and we just fuck the system. We just mash it. We just clog it up. Like, wouldn't it be nice? National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day?

[Donnie]

Yeah. Until the one kid dies of anaphylactic shock and then Skippy doesn't look so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

We lose our sponsor.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be ironic if your kid's name was Skippy and he died of anaphylactic shock from a peanut?

[Donnie]

It would be. And not like the Pina Colada song. Ironic.

[Adam Carolla]

That's fun.

[Donnie]

Irony.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Dead irony.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, the whole postmortem of that song is, hey, you're out cruising dudes, and I was out cruising chicks. Like, the whole song is like, Iliana. It's like if you and I were dating.

[Dana Gould]

Yes. That may have happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, we were. We were. We doing some pretty long. You want to go down to malibu for about 10 hours with me on a walk?

[Donnie]

I might hire you for a role. I might not come back next week.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, no, you're on the show. You'll see, you'll have a great time. We have a lot of fun. On the show.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm Stig. What, the comedian?

[Dana Gould]

No, Stig. Well, you know, you would be. You could be yourself. What's fun about the show is you can either play yourself like Tim Meadows plays himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I wanted to play Tim Meadows, damn it. Damn it.

[Dana Gould]

Or you could play a character like Sherry O'Terry plays a character.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna play Tim Meadows.

[Dana Gould]

You can play Tim. Yeah, that would be. I've always. We want to do that joke actually this week playing Tim Meadows is that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I can handle the role. I appreciate his work in Mean Girls and snl. So. So wait a minute. What's my. All right, so here's the song. Here's the Pina colada song.

[Dana Gould]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We're dating. Like, we're. We're into each other.

[Dana Gould]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're both putting out these personal ads. And, like. You're answering my personal ad, I'm answering your personal ad. And then we come back, we meet in the kitchen, and we're like, hey, it's you, it's you. But no one goes, what the fuck? Right?

[Donnie]

You're both duplicitous. It's nice that you both have half a brain. But what about that? You're both cheaters.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you don't go do so much trolling for whores, honey?

[Donnie]

But they're both trolling.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, but they do two wrongs make a right, that department.

[Donnie]

I think not.

[Dana Gould]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't trust either one of those pina colada people. Yeah. Can we see a picture of Rupert Holmes, by the way? So you can see just how sexy a man with male, by the way. Nothing worse than being in the middle of the disco era and having male pattern baldness.

[Donnie]

Well, while you find that speaking of escape, I will escape from the news.

[Gina Grad]

The news with Teresa Strasser, Eda Dick, msnbc.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, I'm not going anywhere until I see a picture of Rupert Holmes. So this could be a while. This could be a long while. Oh, wait, we have him. He got his.

[Dana Gould]

He's got the Michael Caine glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you that he's got the huge Swifty Lazar glasses. Find a balder picture of him. Yes, Brian. Through telepathy.

[Donnie]

I feel like there's more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a more balding version of Rupert Holmes. You've been a delight, baby.

[Dana Gould]

You have been a delight, sir. You have been a delight. Miss.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Until next time, the Sam Kroll bald Brian, Ileana Douglas and Teresa Strasser and Rupert Holmes saying, mahalo.

[Gina Grad]

All Right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Adam Kulishow, 402. Coming up next, we have Adam Kulishow, 405. David Alan Greer, Larry Miller, Teresa Strosser, Brian Bishop. This is the first half of the show before Dag joins him. Larry Miller in studio. We'll be playing part two tomorrow. Make sure to check it out. Until then, this is adam Car Show 405, Part 1.

[Gina Grad]

This is the Adam Carolla show. Adam's guest today, David Allen Grier and Larry Miller.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus Teresa with the news and Paul.

[Gina Grad]

Bryan with the noise. And now just call him angel of the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate, get it on. Good day, Bald Bryant. Yeah, dad coming in. Good day, Teresa Strasser.

[Donnie]

Good day, Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, so much to talk about. Just got back, was out on the road. We got back on Sunday morning, afternoon, Ish me, the we's and Mike August, very colorful team there. Headed out to Sacramento, then went to Seattle and then went to Portland. Have some observations by the way. First place, every, every place is better than here. It's all better than here. The downtowns especially. But they all have things like when you get, you know, we always have a car waiting for us at the airport, but if we miss the car, there's some light rail system that goes right, right to the lobby of the hotel. Like every single airport's like, oh, you just, you could take a cab or for $2 you could get on this Disneyland esque, state of the art boom rail and it would drop you off right in the middle of downtown Portland. So there's always that stuff, the stuff that doesn't exist out here. Even though we're the seventh largest economy in the world, we still can never afford our own shit. So you got all that and then you have just little touches like this, like just imagine this warm pixie air being blown up your ass. You fly out of LAX and it's such fucking culture shock. Super angry. Women of color just work put upon, just put upon. Women of color just working that security and just like they got. No, most of them thankfully don't talk like you just hand them your paper and you hand them your ID and they look at them, they go, mm. And they push it back in your.

[Donnie]

Direction of your old receptionist, Peanut.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she was chatty until you got on the wrong side and then she'd take her flip flops off. But I'm leaving out of Sacramento and we, we get up early, early in the morning and we're hitting the Sacramento airport on the way out to Seattle, and there's this 26 year old chick who looks like the Jewish chick in the show community that our Good friend Joel McHale is on. And she's their brunette and cute and she's sitting there in her little kiosk. She's the one who checks the license and checks the boarding pass. And she's sitting there and she goes, okay. And she's looking at it and she does the okay, now have a real nice flight, you know, have a real good day. And then she points at the coffee I'm holding because I'm still holding the coffee that I got gratis at the Radisson Inn or wherever we're at. And I'm holding it. And she looks at and she knows this got to go into the garbage, right? And I know it's got to go into the garbage. It's not going, God forbid me and the coffee make it through to the other side. So she looks at the coffee and she goes, oh, you're going to have to throw that coffee away. Which now, by the way, if we were at lax, I'd be getting yelled at at this point. Sir, sir, inside, sir, did you not hear the man with the bullhorn three inches from your head, sir? But she goes, oh, you're gonna have to throw the coffee away. And I said, yeah, it's just hotel coffee, I'm fine. And she goes, is it full? And I go, yeah, it's pretty full. And she goes, ew, like she felt my coffee pain.

[Donnie]

She empathized with you.

[Adam Carolla]

She empathized with my cup of crappy Euban.

[Donnie]

I wish you'd gotten her name so we could celebrate her common courtesy.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, she made a sound to even.

[Donnie]

Ask you, is it full?

[Adam Carolla]

Is it full?

[Donnie]

Because if there's one cold sip left, that's not a big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but like you could. The subtext was I'm not a morning person either, right?

[Donnie]

I feel you.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know, I know. You look weary from traveling, right? Mike August tried to fuck you in your ear last night. That was a subtext for them. She went, and also, quick note for all the alcohol are listening to the podcast and we have pretty sizable crew over there in Gitmo and beyond. You know, they do this thing. Like I said, you know, it's 911 and we just passed 911 and believe me, the terrorists win every single time. I have to take my fucking shoes off and my belt off. And by the way, they pop the shoes off and walk across the filthiest 18ft of carpet in North America. That one stretch is never replaced. It's indoor, outdoor. It's got like baby vomit on it from the set 70s and gum, those black gum spots on it. And it's like, seriously, could there be a worse, worse stretch of like the fucking carpet that's inside the Chili's that's in the airport? Much cleaner than this horrible stretch of carpet. I guess they can never replace it because you'd have to think about if you want to replace that carpet in security, you go like, we have to stop everything for two days. And you could never do that. So it's just the. And you can't even clean it. It's never not open and there's never not traffic on it. But it is disgusting. But as I'm taking all my shoes off and the belt and all that stuff and wondering whether the iPad is a computer or not, does it need to go in its separate tub and everything? And like I said, I see the blonde woman tossing away the bottle of red wine that was given to her probably by her in laws when she was traveling. When I was in Denver, wherever I was a few weeks ago, just right into the trash can. I said, I thought to myself, you know, first off, if you're Al Qaeda, here's what you should be doing. You show up with a bottle of red wine. That bottle of red wine is 750 milliliters. I mean, you put plastique. I don't know why plastic is plastic explosives, but when you just call it plastic, it's plastique. So you're throwing away. You know what it's like? It's like Carnegie hall, but when you watch pbs. It's a generous donation by the Carnegie.

[Donnie]

Right, It's the Carnegie Corporation.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck is it?

[Donnie]

Same guy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Is it Carnegie hall or Carnegie right, is it con. Oh, it's fucking people with your goddamn degrees rubbing it all over everything. All right, here's my point. Dig this. Dig this for terrorist activity, all right? Just dynamite.

[Donnie]

Is it worse than what you're doing to me and Brian right now?

[Adam Carolla]

This is crazy. This could be a waterboarding versus you making a video. We've had plastiques shoved our ears.

[Donnie]

Please tell us more about airport travel.

[Adam Carolla]

Where it's called coming around, how things are pronounced. You take this bottle and you can't get it onto the plane. Obviously the reason they don't want you to bring it on the plane is it's filled with nitroglycerin. You'll blow up the plane. So they tell you, hey, throw it in that trash can 12ft from where we're standing. And you just take the bottle and you drop it into the trash can. Well, what if it was an explosive? What if it was filled with nitroglycerin or plastique and it just had a timer on it? And what if you had, let's say, couple of your terrorist buddies do this at a couple airports simultaneously or what have you. You probably do more damage in the. In the security line than you would on a plane. There is a serpentine line, and we all know the serpentine line where you walk 60ft that way and 60ft back and you move forward nine inches. There are 350 people in a room the size of my bedroom growing up. I mean, it's a ton dense, right? Not only do you get all these dense travelers, but you get the TSA people. Yeah.

[Donnie]

You probably get a couple kids.

[Adam Carolla]

You freak everyone the fuck out, because now we're being blown up before we get an opportunity to get blown up. Oh, wait, back up the people. There's. There's two decks, you know, I'm saying people underneath certainly gonna get the. Whatever falls through and the crush of people running for the exits. Yeah. And God knows, but a bottle, I mean, you know, the shoe bomber was a retard who had a heel full of God knows what. M 80s, but. I'm no munitions expert, but something the size of a bottle of wine or even a big thing of Gatorade or something, you could take out quite a lot of real estate with that. You convinced me, dude. Let's do it. Now. You don't even have to be there because it's a timer. And also, you could do this in every airport on the same day, times, whatever. No one. That guy didn't say, give me the bottle. I'm gonna bust it open. That guy just said, hey, hey, that bottle, that's got it. That ain't coming through here. And that's happened to me a million times, too. They go, you want the bottle? You want to check the bottle. If it's explosives, why is checking it? Why is it being in the belly of the plane gonna. Anyway? No, I just throw it out. And they just go, they just throw it out. They don't go put it. They don't take a dog and sniff it or put it in some sort of Kevlar suitcase or something. Just throw it out. So if it is explosives, why are you just throwing it out in this sea of Humanity. And the irony is the culprit flies away to safety. That's right.

[Donnie]

While in the trash can explodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. So that was nice. Also had an assful of the Hoity Toity Hotel. The ones you know. You know my beef with the W and all these Hoity Toity cool hotels.

[Donnie]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the ones that are sort of, I always say, big on attitude, small on square footage.

[Donnie]

Oh my God, the rooms at the W in New York City.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they're so cool. Oh, but there's a guy with a mock turtleneck who's giving you attitude.

[Donnie]

And there's always a pool party with a dj.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're not going.

[Donnie]

Quiet down, I'm trying to read.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we had this thing and Donnie, Donnie's having a tough day, but a little jet lag, but he'll come in and clear things out. We went to one of these hotels, it was called the Nines and it was in Portland. And it's like, it's so trendy and it's so hip and it's so cool. Except for these people are always. These hotels are always run by 23 year olds with attitudes. They don't have experience. They look good. Like, hey, if you're going to fuck the person who's working behind the counter, these are your hotels. But if you want service or professional attitude or experience in the hotel industry, you're not going to get it. We pulled in at noon. They said, yeah, room's not ready. And I said, wow, we're pretty exhausted from traveling. And they said, well, we're not quite ready yet. And I said, okay, well, we're going to go out and do some radio interviews. We'll have a sandwich, we'll come back. Came back over two hours later. It's like, is the room ready? No. So Donnie got fucked up at the end of the night. They revoked his key and he got in at 1am and they screwed with his key and all this kind of stuff. But me, Mike August and Donnie were driving back to the airport in Portland. And Donnie was lamenting about how these motherfuckers ruined his life. And it's the kind of thing where, you know, the thing where you pull up to your room at the end of the night and you have your two big bags of equipment, you're exhausted and you're putting your key in over and over again. It's not working and you're going down. You've already started getting your pre whack boner going. So you and your wood got to go down and you have to argue with some guy with some attitude behind the counter and about this. So Donnie was digging into us and we were all complaining, me, Mike and Donnie about these fucking trendy hip hotels we keep going to where no square footage, no anything but plenty of attitude. And then I thought, you know what it is? You know, got us to Hotel Lynn and Alex. Those are a gay publicist and for them it's the hottest thing in the world. But let me just send this message out to all homos. Stop doing this to straight people who don't give a fuck. Oh, it's so hip. It's so hot. There's a gifting suite, There's a club. 88 is upstairs. We're not there to suck cock and go clubbing.

[Donnie]

Cheer up and be excited.

[Adam Carolla]

And as I was yelling at Donnie in the van on the way back to Portland Airport. Right. Do you think if someone said to me, hey, I gotta pick out a hotel for Lynn and Alex. Let me think. I love nascar. Oh, I gotta get him into a NASCAR themed hotel. Cuz I, I love nascar. No, I'd go, they don't give a fuck about that.

[Donnie]

Sure he's gay.

[Adam Carolla]

They want square footage and no fuckin hip hop on the roof and no attitude.

[Donnie]

Now let's just say it's my birthday. Your wife doesn't give me a Bruce Springsteen cd. That's what she would enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Donnie]

Right. She gets into the head of the person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

So saying that they, they're thinking what they would like.

[Adam Carolla]

The gays do this. They do a lot of gay grafting.

[Donnie]

You're oh you're mate. You're universalizing it to August. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They do a lot of. He would love this. This is such a cool jacket. This is such cool shoes. It's such a cool whatever. And they don't realize straight guys are like women would be left alone with a mini bar and some square footage. Rich. Thank you. Think there's a little kickback action going on there. We're getting ourselves some rooms. Not necessarily nice sister hotel in West Hollywood, that one. We talk about it. But by the way, is kickback some sort of gay lingo for something? Kickback action with the fruit stand through the glory hole.

[Donnie]

To be fair, when you really enjoy something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Think you know, I love this. Oh you do, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. But I've had to say to them like they're going, oh, there's a, there's a gifting suite. And it's like, whoa, what do they got There. Oh, everything from bedazzled jeans to kissing Tasha. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Does your cat need a vest? No, I don't have a fucking cat. They got some parts there for a car or something like, they send me. I went to a gifting suite once they set me up with. It was like, canned, like, bedazzled candles and double deck strollers for your cats and shit. It's like, yes, you like this. I would never like this. But by the way, there's. There's no way I would tell Lynn and Alex. Oh, you've not been to sema. Oh, man. Chip Foose got a booth up there, and Edelbrock's got a booth up there. And if you're a small block Chevy, man, you're in paradise. No, I would go. There's no way you guys would, like. You guys will be miserable there. So it's not like you would send them to a USC game and go, you're gonna be awesome.

[Donnie]

Now, I'm debating about whether or not to bring this up, but what. Do you recall your wedding gift to me?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Cordless drill, set of tools. Yes.

[Donnie]

Now there's a beautiful set of tools, and I've added yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's.

[Donnie]

It's been used, and it's a good thing to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. That's interesting.

[Donnie]

Right? Okay, but when you think.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but let me tell you. Let me tell you what that falls under. Let me tell you. That falls under. Here's what falls under. That falls under. Like my wife setting up a dentist appointment for me, which is. I don't want to go. It's no party. I'd rather make her. Have her make a reservation. A steak joint. But I need it. It's good for me. It's practical. You knew I needed it. I knew that your man and you were moving into a new house. And everyone who lives in a new house or who lives in a home, every homeowner needs a cordless drill and a little flashlight and a shop vac. And I knew you'd get a bunch of crock pots from people or shit. You did need bracelets and crock pots from people who knew how to buy those. That's what I said. I will provide. I knew Lynn and Alex would provide the gay gift. I'm gonna provide the straight gift, But I feel ya the best you're saying it has.

[Donnie]

But to be fair, we moved into a new old house from 1914, when you really need tools. And also we had a kid. And every toy has to Be put together with a.

[Adam Carolla]

That's also my not so subtle just message to your man Mana. You got a home now. You're getting married.

[Donnie]

He received it.

[Adam Carolla]

You should own a tool.

[Donnie]

Yeah, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, what's your explanation? Something along the lines of like, oh, these aren't the best drills, but they're good.

[Donnie]

Yeah, you don't need the best drills.

[Adam Carolla]

We went with the Ryobi. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Yeah, it was Ryobi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's not. He's not. He's not.

[Donnie]

He's not Craftsman material.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not a Milwaukee man just yet.

[Donnie]

Not really a Black and Decker.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Donnie]

I mean, they're not plastic Fisher Price ones.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. They'll get the job done. Yeah, well, I'm just saying, you know, a guy. You work at a. What I'm saying is you work at a whole food store and you got to make runs for produce. Chevy F150 will do you right. You don't need a Super Duty 4 wheel drive 350 with £10,000 towing capacity or whatever. You're not a constructor, don't work in construction. You're not towing boats around for a living or whatever it is. I gave you any more tool. He couldn't have handled it.

[Donnie]

No suitable to our needs.

[Adam Carolla]

It would have cost me more. All right, now, I guess. I guess Donnie was going to get onto the mic, but somehow they got rid of him again. Did you say Donnie's jet lag, by the way? You didn't change time zones, did you? No, no, Donnie. Donnie is. Donnie's been burning the candle at both ends and he's sleep deprived. And the reason I was late is because. Donnie. Our schedules are all fucked up because we've been traveling so much and shoot, we did a podcast yesterday in the afternoon and blah, blah, blah. But anyway, Donnie, Donnie. You want to yell at the Nines for screwing you over? With what little energy I have. Yes. And Lynn and Alex. Yeah. Those guys drive me crazy with this fancy pants designer hotel. Yeah, I know. It's very, very chic and very like, cool looking, but none of the shit we give a shit about. And we'd rather have the room ready and. And square footage. Yes. All right, good enough. Danny. What? Do you want me to tell the story? Nah, I told it. I was gonna laugh about you and Portland and a few other things, but I don't know, maybe I'll let you off the hook. Okay. I appreciate it. Yeah.

[Donnie]

He's hagging and we do have to talk about the VMAs.

[Adam Carolla]

He's haggard, I just have to say this quickly. Just quickly. You know how I always yell at Donny, quit rounding down. You're hurting my stories.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop rounding down. Yeah, we were. The night before. Now, this isn't really his fault, but the night before we're in Portland. And that night we're in Portland. Night before, we're in Seattle, by the way. Thank you. Seattle, 1870. Tickets sold out. Wow. One show more theater. That's your favorite audience?

[Donnie]

Artists.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I heard, I heard the next night, Donnie was saying to my stepsister, Hillary, he said, yeah, last night, 1600 people at the. At the Moore. And I said, listen, I think I heard Mike say, when it's 1870, you just say 2,000 people at the Moore Theater. And then my stepsister will round down a little. That's the math she does. You don't slip it off like correcting for the wind, right? So I said, tony, soda, bout midnight. So about midnight on Saturday night, I said, donnie, quit rounding down. You're fucking with everyone's story. Stop rounding down. Smash cut to us inside the cab. We're driving to the Portland airport. Donny's going off about. Oh, man, the damn hotel. And we got back, we did two shows. It was late at night. We had two shows. We come back, I got my bags, my key card doesn't work again. We didn't get out of the theater until midnight. And Mike August chimes in and leans over to the cab driver and he goes, 1:30am and Donnie goes, 12:45.

[Donnie]

He rounded down his own.

[Adam Carolla]

He rounded down his own story.

[Donnie]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Shadow Fondazzo shits on your pumice. Poor Mike August is trying to embellish just, you know, only by 40 minutes. He only. It was. We didn't get out of the theater until way after midnight. We got out of theater like 1230, 1240. So it couldn't have been. So Mike just did the 1:30 just to blow a little puff, a little smoke toward the story. Donnie straightened him out immediately. You did tell the whole story, right? Yes. All right. I've been going since the morning. I had all this gear. 11:50, though. Not 1:30am I'm sorry, I should have. God forbid, the 65 year old chick who was driving us to the airport, who lives in Portland. Think it was 1:30am.

[Gina Grad]

Donnie shits on your points.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much. All right, all right. I just love the idea that he said equal opportunity.

[Donnie]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

He shat on my more attendance last night. And he shat on his own story nine hours later. It was awesome. All right, shall we bring. She's got to talk to you after the show about shitting on your. Shitting on stories.

[Donnie]

Can you play the drop?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Donnie, can you just tell me that after the show?

[Gina Grad]

This has been Donnie shits on your point.

[Donnie]

That's my point. And roar the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, all right. A note. The beauty of when Donnie's mom calls five times, it could either be my house in Beechwood Canyon is on fire.

[Donnie]

Right. Or there's.

[Adam Carolla]

Or she needs to fact something over later this week. This is why people can't do the I need to talk to you now because you have to have. I need to talk to you now tone. And then you have to have the. It can wait till the end of the day. All right. Should we bring Larry Miller in?

[Donnie]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring the great Larry Miller in. And T, you got some news?

[Donnie]

Yes, I'm chomping at the bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, Larry. Always great to see it.

[Gina Grad]

From the International News center next to.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news. Hold on, hold on.

[Gina Grad]

Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Larry. Go ahead, brother.

[Donnie]

He didn't have his headphones and thus didn't hear the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yes, go ahead, Larry. Sorry. All right. I should know that by now, so I have to. I have to tell you something about your wife. This is a classic guy story. Every. Every guy listening will understand, and I think every woman will understand from a different point of view. This last week after taping the other thing, the other show that we'll talk about later, but that I'm standing in the. In the car shop there. By the way, that may not be the phrase for it. I wouldn't know. The shop behind the studio here. Yes, the place with the things. And I'm standing there with Jeff at his computer. And you know how something a man can look at a woman from 200 yards away and make a decision? It can be a 50th of a second. Every man can suddenly say, gee, she doesn't seem that appealing to me. Or maybe under the right circumstances. Or then there's the right. Or there's the third category, which is absolutely everything lives in the. By the way, you're absolutely. Thank you. I look up. So I look up. I'm sitting with Jeff. I see in silhouette because it's from the hallway a woman coming. And it's almost like in slow motion. It's complete silhouette. I can't see who it is. And you start doing the Guy thing. Just glance up and just go, oh, absolutely. I have no idea who this is. And he's walking through. Down through the hallway. And I think, boy, again, it's almost like a slow motion thing in jeans. Now, this is what every man's head does.

[Donnie]

Oh, yeah. And it's the best because Lynette always dresses down. She's usually in a T shirt and jeans. And yet there's no hiding that she's built like Jessica Rabbit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what? So that's. That's the thing. So she's. This woman is coming down the hallway, and I'm thinking, absolutely. Then you go from absolutely to this.

[Donnie]

Is what was in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Suddenly. Oh. And it's all in a 50th of a second, as you all know. In that same 50th of a second, you say, then we'll do it over here. We'll do it over there. That same 50th of a second go, my wife on one of my cars.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Not knowing then the irony is so heavy. But. So here's the thing. So just as light, she starting to come out of the black tunnel there in silhouette, just enough light to say, well, you begin to realize someone's face. Oh, she's really pretty. This is unbelievable. This is someone.

[Donnie]

Because you've already decided this before you've seen her face. Her face has been in the shadows.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's just the whole presentation with a man, you can put one piece of frame of a film in with a million others, and it can go by in a zillionth of a second, and a man can tell you, yeah, she's great. That's all you need. You can look through lead. It doesn't. It doesn't matter. And so when she starts now, since she comes fully into the light, then. So now I'm thinking, absolutely, and yes, and he will do. So then she comes to the light. I just went, oh, geez, Lynette. Hi. And suddenly you just change the thoughts. Oh, yeah. You just change those train tracks over, yanking the lever as hard as they can. By the way, a lot of things in trains involve yanking the same leverage as hard as you can. While sparks and other things fly. It's never a quick flip of a switch. It's gotta get the train. I take that as a compliment, by the way. Larry. It is.

[Donnie]

Oh. What could be a better compliment?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, a lot of guys take offense to that. Well, it's weird. I mean, first off, how about these guys? The ones who get their wives, you Know, they buy them a set of fake tits, then they put them in a tube top, then they take them to a bar and then they set them down on a bar stool and then they walk up to a guy and go, you staring at my wife like, yeah, hello. She's wearing super tight jeans and double D fake tits that you bought her and she's wearing a tube top and you sat her down next to me. What do you want me to do? Wonder? Also, like, good looking people do grab you. I mean, you definitely. And as guys, we are, they're essentially food and they essentially do what, you know, big cats do with movement in shrubs. You know what I mean? Just sort of, there's. That's right. And it doesn't really matter where you are, what you're doing. If you see some movement, you're sort of like, huh, what, what, what's that? It's movement. Right.

[Donnie]

That's why Donald Trump is occasionally attracted to his daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Movement there. Yeah. Either way, someone who looks like his daughter or one of his daughter's friends.

[Donnie]

He wants, he's made comments, he said.

[Adam Carolla]

She, she's, she's very trash.

[Donnie]

If it was my daughter, I'd marry her. Or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Meanwhile, probably just her and forget her. But point is this. But the point, guys, we have, we, we have this. But. Well, it's why there's a pretty chicken every, every single. I mean, they use good looking women to sell tools. They're good looking women to sell beer and prosthetic limbs. There's a hot looking chick there in a bikini holding a fake.

[Donnie]

Oh, and by the way, sales, sales women, like your pharmaceutical salesperson, that's gonna be a hot chick and a pencil skirt.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to the Estee Lauder counter over there at the Bullocks and look out. My favorite ad at the airport used to be a Nikon ad. It was a billboard. The same principle. It was a billboard said Nikon. They have a picture of a camera and then just a woman in a bikini. They don't even try to relate it. I like that. I love that. Well, we at least will sort of attempt to do something with our American Apparel commercials or billboards or something. Once you get outside the United States, once you get into, God forbid, Mexico or Japan, it's like, fuck it, chicken. A bikini, just holding, you know, holding a, you know, dialysis machine. I mean, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. It's like Mexico understands the bikini thing very well. Very smart that way. And I was, by the way, for Those. Those of you think I do my fair share of picking on Mexico. I was saying to a buddy at lunch at a. They know their roles over there. The ladies are. They're ladies and the men are men, and that's the way they like it. And when you watch a sitcom or you watch telenovela, the chicks look like female impersonators, and the guys look like they're from the 50s and should have ridden in on a horse. You know, like that. The guys are like shirts undone to the navel, all sort of Ricky Martin'd out when he was in menudo. And, you know, the hair.

[Gina Grad]

Nothing more mascot, masculine.

[Adam Carolla]

But I mean, the hair flowing and. Well, he looks. Looks that way. And. And the women all just boobs and ass and eyeliner. Hey, that'd be a good name for a morning crew.

[Donnie]

I like that. Yeah, I'll be. I would be the boobs. I don't have.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be the boobs. Can I please be eyeliner? But I love how that they change the names. They misdirect the names. So the one you think would be the woman isn't the woman. Yeah. Or that they know she's the other. She's bound. Yeah. And it's also. It's also funny, too, when they do the one. I like it when they just go whole hog with the weirdo names versus the ones where I go, it's Bob, Shelley and the Gimp.

[Donnie]

Oh, well, the classic Heidi, Frosty, and Frank. You're like, why has one of them got a wacky name?

[Adam Carolla]

But at least Frosty isn't the Gimp, right? Adam, this is radio. Do you have, by the way, do you have some news for us?

[Donnie]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a hypothetical question to get to as well, but we'll start with the news.

[Donnie]

We already played the intro.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Donnie]

Okay, I'll make this very quick. The VMAs were held. I don't know if you watched, but, yeah, they were to consolidate. Lady Gaga won a lot of shit and Justin Bieber won a lot of shit. And Chelsea Handler did a bit with Lindsay Lohan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was weird. I was watching that. I was like, lindsay Lohan's a bad actress. As I was sort of watching, then I thought, nah, not to. It was weird because it, like, started off as, oh, I get what the idea is, but it wasn't very well executed.

[Donnie]

Let's take a listen to it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Chelsea Handler walking.

[Donnie]

Chelsea Handler's hosting. And. Yeah, they're in the hallway. Chelsea's in her bathrobe, and I should Say this is a pre tape. And sources are saying they didn't trust Lindsay to do it live, so it was pre taped.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Chelsea.

[Gina Grad]

Kill him out there, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

Good luck out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Chelsea. It's that time, baby. Let's make it do what it do. Thank you. It's weird, and don't get me wrong, I'm a racist and everything, but everyone who slapped her in the ass was black. And then she did a couple of weird black jokes out there.

[Donnie]

I'm gonna get to that in a second.

[Adam Carolla]

And now there's three black guys chasing her. And the other guys who whacked her were all black. Hello, Chelsea.

[Gina Grad]

Hey, Lindsay. Have you been drinking?

[Donnie]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, that just means that my table's.

[Donnie]

Ready at the Cheesecake Factory. Wake up, handler. Pull it together.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a mess.

[Donnie]

Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me, they don't.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You turned your life around. Maybe I can too.

[Donnie]

That's the spirit, kid. Now go get him.

[Gina Grad]

Thanks, freckles. Have a great show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, don't embarrass me. Reviews. Drunk. Should have gone out. Should have gone out the slap on the ass and stopped you in a.

[Donnie]

Bad reviews of Chelsea Handler's performance. Not good. The New York Times called Chelsea, quote, among the worst in the show's history, adding that she was purposefully out of touch with brief, alarming flashes of off color racial humor. The Washington Post felt the same way, noting that a string of flat punchlines felt a few degrees below crass.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this about Chelsea. I think, well, first off, I've done her show and there's not that much going on there. You sort of look. You know, I've always said this. When you watch a guy fight and watch a guy in a ring and you. You look at him with other opponents and stuff like that, you kind of go, wow, I wonder how I would stack up with that guy. I wonder if I could stay with that guy. I wonder if I'd knock him out or he'd knock me out. But then when you spar with a guy, you learn pretty quickly. Oh, yes, yes, I know where I would stand with this person. And there's people come and sit down next to you, like Larry Miller, mainly because he's here, and Dana Gould and guys like that where you go, well, there's something. There's something substantial. Now you won't know it from watching them on TV or watching them from do their set. Watch Doing their set on tv, on Conan or something. But when you see them, when you sit down next to him, when you go to Chelsea Handler's show and you sit there, she could have been having an off night, but there wasn't much going on. You know what I mean?

[Donnie]

There wasn't much there.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you seen her work? No kidding. I haven't seen it. You're talking to someone, remember, for good or ill. I haven't seen the dancing show. Even when you run. I haven't seen anything. I haven't seen the America's favorite anything. Well, remember he thought that when we asked him. It's hypothetical. Between the hills and the Jersey Shore. They were actually talking about the location of the Jersey Shore and mounds of dirt. 1946 in Kentucky. But here's the thing about Chelsea. She's doing her impersonation of a stand up, which is not a bad thing. She's got an act and she's making millions of dollars and selling books and all that kind of stuff. And I don't think she's horrible. I just don't think she's a great stand up. I don't know that she ever wanted to be a great stand up. I think she wants to be a star and she's doing what it takes to be a star. And she's obviously dope and she's obviously talented, but I wouldn't call her gifted as a, you know, communicator or stand up comedian. And you get that when you sit next to her on her show. I think she made the mistake of doing this. She's out, you know, selling out Carnegie hall and all that. And she thinks that people know her act. And her act is that I'm a hot blonde chick and I'm going to talk about blowing midgets and being drunk all the time. Get that drop. Which is. Thank you. Which is not quite a steamer case filled with carrot top shit, but it's somewhere between. I'm a Mexican guy who's talking about being Mexican all the time and I'm a fat guy, so I'm not being fat all the time. It's a little zig to that zag, but it's still sort of a little comedy crutch. It's not observational stuff. It's. Isn't it crazy to see a chick that you'd like to fuck talking about fucking guys uglier than you when she's drunk? So she went into that thing kind of thinking there must be some black guy humor in her past.

[Donnie]

I can Bring my character into this.

[Adam Carolla]

She brought her booze and her black guy humor in. And I don't think that 17 and a half year old audience knew that material, but it was kind of weird. She went down the hall and there was, you know, nine black guys slapped her in the ass and then three chased her. And then when she went out on stage, she made a couple of, pardon the pun, off color sort of black guy humor jokes. And again, don't get me wrong, I'm.

[Donnie]

A racist, but at least be funny about it.

[Adam Carolla]

But it didn't seem to fit like it did. It was like, why is she saying the black. Like, yeah, just. And also, don't you have to toss in. If you're going through the absurd humor, have Lil Wayne hit you in Lil Wayne. We're not talking about Wayne.

[Donnie]

Not John Wayne. Not Wayne Brady. That might even be too pop culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Y. Not Wayne Lombardo, guy's brother from the. No, he, you know, have that and then have, you know, have some cute blonde chicken from some girl band. Have Taylor Swift whack you in the ass. You know, to mix it up. By the way, this I can say and this I, I will say that just seeing that there and I didn't see it last night, that'll come as a great shock. But just seeing that right there, that was a very. That was a real slap. And I must say, it was very powerfully attractive to me. I'm going to be thinking about those slaps because you see the, see the thing moving. It looks fantastic. There was some effort behind this, but I mean, just. No, I mean the actual thing. Her bottom looks pretty great. Yeah. All that being said, it's almost impossible to go out and host these MTV whatever awards with these big arenas full of drunk people who don't give a shit or staring and texting and all that kind of shit. So.

[Donnie]

All right, the other big story was that Taylor Swift and Kanye west, you remember, you probably even were aware of this. Of course, Kanye ran up there and said that Beyonce should have won Taylor Swift's award.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

So this time Taylor Swift sang a song, a very patronizing song about Kanye west that she sort of forgave him. And that 32 really isn't that old.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, Larry thinks Kanye west is a deep dish pizza joint. Oh, stop it. Decided to cal near Chicago. You know what? I'm not from Jupiter.

[Donnie]

And Kanye did a little funny rap about him being a douchebag and all is forgiven. Oprah Winfrey. Today was her. The first day of her last season 25 years.

[Adam Carolla]

This would be the longest year of our lives. Do you understand?

[Donnie]

Do you know what she gave away today?

[Adam Carolla]

A Pontiac G6.

[Donnie]

No. Remember, this is the. This is the last season, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But this is. This is the best year to get cancer because this year is going to feel like eight years. Damn it.

[Donnie]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You started too early. You started way too early. Always too early. No, but you know, it's all relative. You know, when I was digging ditches, eight hours felt like a million. A million years. And when you have a job you love, the day blows by. Well, think about Oprah and the bombardment of 255 days into Oprah. Watch. It was gonna be non stop Oprah. It's gonna be like when Kareem left the NBA.

[Donnie]

John Travolta was there. Paul Simon sang a song he wrote specifically for Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Called Kodachrome.

[Donnie]

Me and Gail down by the schoolyard.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wrote it in the 70s.

[Donnie]

Kodachrome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

No, it's for you, Oprah, I swear. And she announced that she was taking her entire audience of 300 guests to Australia.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

They picked her biggest fans for the audience and told it as a reward they were all going to Australia with Oprah.

[Dana Gould]

Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's not going with them, though.

[Donnie]

She went with. Yeah. Eight day, all expenses paid, trip down under. Oprah came along for the ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Same plane.

[Donnie]

I'm sure she probably got a plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. This is a John Travolta Qantas airline thing. Oh, absolutely. If Travolta was there. Well, Simon's not flying that fucking plane, so someone's got a fly T. Do the math.

[Donnie]

Listen, I can't wait. I have a T vote at home. And I just can't be ironic about Oprah. I love Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Donnie]

Oprah's so good at what she does.

[Adam Carolla]

I love her ironically. Have any beef with the woman either? Except for couple things. I know she's got to be colossal cunt behind, you know, off. Off camera. I just know that. Number one. Number two, she's too enamored with herself. She gets. She. She has. This is why everyone should have to play the county fair every once in a while. Because Oprah has that audience eating out of the palm of her hand constantly. And she just changes the tone of her voice and everyone starts laughing or clapping or whatever. And I'll turn to my wife and go, who looks good in silhouette, by the way? I'll say, that's not funny. That's not funny. Just because she just because she went, you know, had to meet love. You know, it's like. It's not. Yeah. Not.

[Donnie]

You feel like she's tricking you with her inflection.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't trick this one, sweetie.

[Donnie]

Okay, well, let me wrap this up quickly with one last story because Dag is here, and he's got to go. Have you guys seen Phil Davidson, the guy running for Stark County, Ohio, Treasurer?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the guy flipped out.

[Donnie]

The guy flipped out.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Donnie]

Yeah, just for fun, just a moment to enjoy GOP candidate Phil Davidson trying to get the nomination for treasurer and.

[Adam Carolla]

Failing of the Star County Republican Party Executive Committee. Good evening and thank you not only for your attendance, but for allowing me the opportunity to speak. My name is Phil Davidson, and I am seeking our party's nomination for the position of Star County Treasurer on November 10th. Oprah loves November of 2010. Excuse me. In terms of my background, I am from the village of Minerva, where I am serving my 13th year of elected service as a Minerva Council member. In terms of education, I have a bachelor's degree in sociology, a bachelor's degree in history, a master. Master's degree in public administration. Got a doctorate and Freak out, though, right?

[Donnie]

I think he just got it in.

[Adam Carolla]

A master's degree in communication. You shouldn't crack, ironically, the word communication when you're explaining. I have represented our party twice on the county ballot. Let me tell you something mean, James. When I ran for anybody going down to the Detroit Coliseum on the 23rd, going to see me open a can of whoop ass on that district select but known as Mike Caldwell, I have been a Republican in time is good, and I have been a Republican, and time's bad. Well, this is a bad time. Wow. This is nuts. This is real nuts.

[Donnie]

Six minutes of this, which I will not make you listen to.

[Adam Carolla]

Albert Einstein issued one of my most favorite quotes in the history of the spoken word. And here is as follows. In the middle of opportunity. Oh, Lord, Black, don't crack. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I'm gonna repeat that so I have clarity tonight. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Well, there's a lot of opportunity for him. This is so sad. All right, stop it. By the way. You know what? This is like you haven't seen in years. The clan. The old, old thing of where guys in white coats would come with a butterfly net. Yeah. And that used to be. That was like. And they'd chase him around. They'd be playing Wacky Sax by Benny Hill and. Yeah, guy coming. Guy coming. Chase you down with A butterfly net. Yeah. You know what? That was real nuts. That was like, no kidding nuts.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Six minutes of that and he did not get the GOP nomination. That is the news.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right, let's try to work something out. Larry, how about you go over there and sniff the chair my wife usually sits in? Let's bring Dag in, and then we'll bring you back, because Dag only has like 10 or 15 minutes. And then we'll do the hypothetical question with Larry. All right. That was Adam Colishow 405 part one. Coming up next, we have Adam Colishow 1522. Dana Gould, Gina Grad. Brian Bishop. The premiere of Gina's News Theme from March of 2015. Check it out. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you and bald Bryan. You like roller coasters, motherfucker? That is probably most requested top drop over the course of time. And what better time to play it when the man himself is here? Dana Gould in Studio, the UP Comedy Club in Chicago. Coming up, the 20th and 21st of March. Also podcast the Dana Gould Hour, available on itunes. Whenever somebody says to me, who do they like getting up on stage with your name? David Alan Grier, Artie Lang. And then I start to fade out. Fitz Dog gets slid in, shoehorned in. And then I just start to coast after that.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, the people that you've described. What's funny is the thing that we do that's so special, is that we're professional.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

They actually try.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. That's all it is. I used to say that when we do our morning show, because people come in at 7:05 and their publicist pushed them in there and it was contract, they were contractually obliged to show up. So they would just sit there plugging their new comedy, sort of half asleep and mostly pissed off, come across as sort of stilted and unfunny and tired. And then they would leave thinking, they're checking that box. The only box they checked was everyone who listened thought they weren't fucking funny. I always used to say, don't do it for me, do it for you. Yeah, yeah. I have my listeners. They're listening to you.

[Gina Grad]

It's your record.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Please play it, and hopefully the people shall dance. If you don't show up, it's a zero.

[Gina Grad]

If you show up and you're.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're cranky or tired or unfunny or whatever, then it's negative points. Right?

[Gina Grad]

The best advice I ever got from anybody was from Kevin Rooney, who said it's a show, right? You know, you could be in a, you know. You know, you could be in a coffee shop in Silver Lake or, you know, and everybody's in a suede coat and they're writing on their hand. Right? It's still a show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're on show. You have a microphone. People showed up.

[Gina Grad]

You're there to try.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you get that. But also for me, personally, I do it for my. For myself, for my own. I don't want anyone walking out going a little bit tired. Yeah, a little bit tired. So.

[Gina Grad]

Dana Gould, even a stripper, if they yawn in the middle of it, it just. No, I want you to think, I want to believe that you're more excited about being here than I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what happened with strippers and me in strip clubs? At some point, my cock and balls jumped the shark when they got too acrobatic on the pole, ironically, I got too old. And now I want to stand up and go hunt. Hon, you're gonna hurt yourself, sweetie. No, sweetie. There's so many people in wheelchairs from doing dives into. In the shallow end of the swimming pool, which you're doing right now, but. And they weren't beaked out of their mind on coke, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

I wonder if, like, do strippers and firefighters just like, with. What do you do on a firefighter? Oh, I'm an exotic dancer. Oh, man. This pole. I know it's a pole.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of polo shop talking.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, a lot of shop talk about pool.

[Adam Carolla]

What gauge brass you use?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

The nine gauge. Oh, just nine.

[Gina Grad]

The Smithson 5000 yet. That thing is unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and then. And then there's a little. Some snotty one up upsmanship where the strippers going. We're asking a lot more out of our poll. I mean, you guys, you guys slide down and eat some chili, play some foosball. But what we're doing is. Is poetic.

[Gina Grad]

My polls are saving lives. Mine is making lives worth living.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I had this bizarre thought today, which was, you know, I came up with this idea that I went out, I had a big. God, I don't know where I was in like Napa, California somewhere. I got stoned. I went out to eat with like 20 people with Jimmy and a whole bunch of guys like that, and just went to this big barn place and ate, and I ate a whole bunch of beet salad. I love beets. And then later on, when I hit the commode, I looked down and thought my innards had Spilled out of me. So I. I told the guy, looks.

[Gina Grad]

Like the backseat of Kennedy's limo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, too soon, Dana. So I came up with this thing called the beat bracelet. You know what I mean? It's kind of a live strong thing, but it's just a little reminder that the. Your server gives you. You ate beets. Just a red 8. And it'd be funny if later on that day you ran into someone. Oh, you got your beat bracelet on. You know, so I. Jesus Christ.

[Gina Grad]

Oh God. I hit beets. Oh, thank Christ. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But now problem solved with my beat bracelet. Right? Well, I had this thought they make golden beets.

[Gina Grad]

They do.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be awesome if the same rules applied with what came out of you? You'd be like that goose from Jack and the bean stuff. King Midas with dysentery. It would be awesome. And by the way, sales of golden beach would fucking go through the roof if you just laid an ingot out there. Came out of your ass. Because when you eat a red beet, that's what comes out of you. Somebody you fucking farmers out there, they're doing all the geneticizing. Get the gold beat going because you want to talk about a fucking rocket sled ride to the moon for gold. For golden beats. And a gold golden beats are somewhere between like jicama and alfalfa right now like on the. I know that you want to get to the top of that fucking list. You make those ingots come out of the ass.

[Gina Grad]

Honey, get in here. We're gonna retire. And you will find people. People will be much.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna fashion you a bracelet. Tennis bracelet are charm. What are the kids initials again?

[Gina Grad]

People won't mind picking through their feces the way they do now.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Wouldn't be so uptight about it.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that was always the difference between. The difference between people with kids and people without kids. People without kids say I have shit.

[Adam Carolla]

On my hand, right?

[Gina Grad]

And people shit on my hand. Yeah, I know where it comes from.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point you become like a veteran. That's done. Pardon the pun. A few tours of duty and when you've seen enough men die, you don't phase you.

[Gina Grad]

Well, that's not to dwell on this subject. I'll say this. We'll move on. You know, I have dogs and cats because I have kids. So I have, you know, my dog food. I like take the canned food and then I put a little dry in there and then I put it in the microwave. I get it nice and warm and I'll. You know, I'll spend some time. And their thought is like, well, it isn't cat shit, but it'll have to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Dana Gould]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Because if they. You see them making the move to that litter box, that's. That's the Almond Roca of the dog world. Can you imagine if this Golden Beat thing worked?

[Adam Carolla]

Matt Fondelier would be like the fucking Rockefeller of our day. Matt Fondelier would be hail as a.

[Gina Grad]

King, like a Pollock, the Rockefeller of our time.

[Adam Carolla]

Sultan of Brunei would invite him to the palace and buying us all gobs of money to shit his toilet. I'd just be great if the Golden Beat was the same as the Beat beat. Let's get going on that shit. So a couple of things in the. Just to completely shift gears a little bit here, but Dana was about putting the dog food in the microwave and getting it just right. There are little itty bitty bitty things in your life that can really impact your life in a positive way, but you don't know it because you've been doing it the dumb way or living with the bad, whatever, for so long that it has now become part of the landscape of your life.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why or who or how this was invented, but. But at a certain. I do a lot of microwave action. Especially when you have kids, you do a lot of microwave action. And it was always like the paper plate. You got to put the lid on it so it doesn't get all spattery all over the place with Mac and cheese or whatever it is. And then I said to somebody, they must make a microwave cover thing. And now comes the plastic. But the plastic cover I got was about 2 1/2 inches high, and it dented in for where the finger pull handle kind of thing was. And it would always just teeter on top of your spaghetti and meatballs. It didn't have enough height. It needed a dome. And I live with this thing because you're putting on a plate that's covered in a pile of pieces on it, and it wasn't deep enough to accommodate at a certain point after living. And then it would get the mosquito net for the outdoors, you need like the outdoor picnic net, and you're preserving moisture.

[Gina Grad]

Let's just call us.

[Adam Carolla]

It gets schmutz all over it. And after about six years, I. It's always. I said, don't they make ones that are higher than this, where the handles don't. Don't push in, but come out like tabs, and sure enough, they're all over the place. And they're $1.99. And I was making. I had, like, the tall boy soup bowl in there today. And I put the thing over it just today. And I thought the old one would have been teetering on top of it with the handle, the plastic handle inside the soup. And I just thought, this is so much better. And it's something I use every single day and multiple times a day. And it was under $3. Walk around your life and figure that out. It's not buy Bentley, it's do this.

[Donnie]

You've endured six years of a teetering dome and didn't realize you didn't have to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in my mind, I bought a microwave cover.

[Gina Grad]

You and Stephen Hawking.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. I needed a better microwave cover. And a pox to those who designed this one.

[Gina Grad]

What they really need is something shy of a time machine that can take the burnt popcorn odor out of your microwave. Because at a certain point, you've got to chuck the whole unit.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta. You gotta. You gotta wash it in tomato juice. You have to literally draw bath of tomato juice like the Partridge Family got hit by skunks and just bury it in it.

[Gina Grad]

It's like a skunk made of cat pee. It's the most smell you can. You can put together into a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the smelliest we ever came up with, which was on Hobo power, which is a unit of stink measurement. Everyone's headphones just went out. Dawson, are we still recording? Yeah, we are. Just. Something's weird with the headphones. I decided a 50 in hobo power was a cat that was fed nothing but blue cheese for three weeks defecating on a white hot hibachi.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. That plume. That plume that came off of that, that was a 50. That was my jumping off point for. That was the middle point on my hobo. My units of stink.

[Gina Grad]

My friends rescued a cat and somehow it pissed into their stove top. And that was the end of the stove. That was the end of the stove. You're done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When the microwave. When you forget about the microwave bag that explodes in there and burns all the kernels. That smell can only be removed by taking one of my golden nugget deuces and putting it under fire under the lowboy cap in there and letting nature take its course.

[Gina Grad]

Max von Sydow has to come to your house and clean your microwave oven.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. We got some phone calls and things.

[Gina Grad]

You talk about inventions. I go right here with Arctic ease. I was skiing with my daughter earlier this year and my daughter, 12 years old, says they should invent a ski glove with a pocket inside the palm to put the hand warming pad in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

And I'm on the mountain going, we're rich. And never followed it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

But if no one gets to that by the time I toddle on down to the patent office. Patent office.

[Adam Carolla]

Great story.

[Gina Grad]

Also jock straps with a pocket, front pocket for arctic ease pads. So you're never afraid. So if you're 12, 13 years old and you don't want to get called to the blackboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right.

[Gina Grad]

Because it hits it about 9:45 in the morning, you're good to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

A nice cold compress on the junk and you're going to the blackboard with a clear conscience, confidence.

[Donnie]

And that's literally boner ease.

[Gina Grad]

It is easing the boner. Especially the advent of sweatpants. The impact of sweatpants on the amount of American boys who are not properly doing math problems now is jaw dropping.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, there should be two things. I, I don't, I don't want to correct you, but I would just take the arctic ease wrap and I would just wrap my, my dong, apply it straight to the, just right around, no tape it to my leg. So you know, like a holster. Yeah. You know what everyone should do? Everybody and every parent and possibly grandparent listening to me. Guardian or guardian should take a quick tasteful, just photograph of them having intercourse with the parent. You know, with each other, with the partner. With the partner. With the mom or the dad or the grandmother, whoever, the parent, guardian, whoever that is. And just give a little wallet size when the guy hits to seventh grade and just go, look, I don't want you to show this to your friends and I don't want you to dwell on it, but if you do get called up to the chalkboard and you're going commando and you got the Air Jordan sweatpants on. Quick. Just a quick peek. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Take care of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time it'll take care of it. It'll go the other way. It'll hide in your.

[Donnie]

Unless it doesn't. And then you have a world full of problems.

[Adam Carolla]

That's something we need to know about and we have to have that conversation. Important. That's an uncomfortable but important conversation with your seventh.

[Gina Grad]

But I remember like, like, of all the. Like Adam Sandler used to always just wear sweatpants. Like I've never, I don't, I'm, I was born 48 years old, you know, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm, I'm not born in a cardigan.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I'm not going to walk around in sweatpants, right. Unless I'm home. And I would think, like, are you just have like mind control over your boner? I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Does anybody. I will tell you the move. At least in the jeans, that works. And possibly sweatpants as well. Part of what creates the spontaneous and unwanted boner is it presses against it and sort of reminds me of like the forementioned cat rubbing up against your shin. It's kind of when you start pressing, it starts pressing harder because that's. It's a sort of battle that goes on. Make one move, it's a quick move. You gotta slide it, you gotta to pull it and you got to tuck it up against your belly and get it going. Now don't let it hang out past your belt because people think you're weird.

[Gina Grad]

I don't have that problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what if you pulled your pants way down?

[Gina Grad]

I don't want any pants.

[Adam Carolla]

What if it went lower than your knees even? Maybe then either way, you pull it up a. It doesn't have anything to press against. It's going the wrong way and the blood just drains that back out of it. It'll kill a boner pretty quick.

[Gina Grad]

Let me tell you one more thing on this line of questioning. I know you've got business business to do. I was thinking this. It's sort of the same line about the photos of your parents, people who make their own sex videos. Is there nothing else on? Is there really?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think lack of choice is what's driving you?

[Gina Grad]

That is a level of narcissism that is. Why not film yourself dumping if. If we're now there are better. Even if you just want to watch people, there are better people to watch than you. Yeah, there are professionals.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. But I feel the same way with the guys who got to brew their own beer. It's like a hit off a Sam Adams or Sierra Nevada. Go. Oh, God damn this. Somebody can somebody stop.

[Gina Grad]

I need a beer that I need to name Sudsley Brew right now. I can drink it.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to fucking Trader Joe's, there's 200 varieties of beer, all better than what you could do. And you don't have to wait for the fermentation process. And I've had roommates where it's like you hear the explosion in the middle of the night because the five gallon bucket went off in the fucking kitchen and took out part of the ceiling. And it's like for $7 you can get the best stuff on the planet. How are you gonna do better as you're brewing it? You want beer like, oh, this is gonna be great in six months.

[Gina Grad]

There was the old Jay Leno joke about how you could make apple pie with Ritz crackers. Remember that? Yeah, ritz crackers, like $4 a box. Apples are 3 cents a ton.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Do we really need to make.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. I feel. I mean, God bless those guys and gals, but.

[Gina Grad]

But still, I feel like army of microbrewers. I just feel like they're the real heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying slam heroin during the time you would have been micro brewing. I'm saying donate your time at the local Red Cross shelter or spend a little more time tossing the ball around with your kid or do push ups. Something. Anything other than this.

[Donnie]

Do you think it's just clearly a hipster move?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think it's been going on for a while. It's the guy who wants to show up, by the way, when the guy hands you the bottle where the beer's sweating through and the paper's peeling off because it's scotch taped on the fucking thing. And there's a skull and crossbones that the guy did with a Sharpie and his name is stenciled into it. I'm not wanting, but you have to take a hit off it. Cause he's handing it to you. It's kind of a. Look what I did. Yeah, for sure. It's like, please pin this on your magnetize this to your fridge. Right.

[Gina Grad]

Now that we're having my beer, let's watch me have sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're inwardly focused. My thing is this.

[Gina Grad]

There are other people.

[Adam Carolla]

If you would like to go to a party and impress, lose 20 pounds before you go to the party, get a job that pays quite a bit more than the last time we saw you be working on a documentary. That's very interesting. Not making your own shitty beer. That's not as good as a Sierra Nevada. That's in my right hand.

[Gina Grad]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Steve, what's going on, 37 Ohio? Nothing's going on. What's going on with you guys? Talking to you, buddy.

[Gina Grad]

All right, so my question for you, Adam, I wanted to know, since you.

[Adam Carolla]

Can do comedy and you're great at acting, and if you can do comedy. Well, we haven't established I was great at acting. Well, I've established it. And all your fans have. God love you. All right. Okay. So have you ever thought about doing or been approached for doing roles in, like, drama? Maybe not like leading character roles, but like, you know, no one's ever. No one's ever approached me to do anything.

[Gina Grad]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

They've approached. I've had homeless approach and ask for money. Yeah, that's. That's what I get approached to do. People want money.

[Gina Grad]

I've had people approach me and ask me to move out of the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But never. No, I don't. No one's ever asked me to write a movie act in their movie. I mean, not ever. But not really. In dramatic. I'd be fine with it. I'd probably like to write it. I'd like it. I think if you can do comedy, you can do the drama. There's no doubt in my mind that Vince Vaughn could do great dramatic work because how much harder it is to do what he's doing. Because there's. Because comedy, drama, we've all lived. I mean, everybody has. Anyone has ever put their dog down and traveled to the vet and done that thing. Where could I have a few minutes alone with Rusty? And then you just sat there. Has done drama. Yeah. I mean, tears pouring out, you know, I mean, you'd get an award for what. If that. If we were filming that and that was. That dog was perfectly healthy, you'd get some nice notices on that. So it's like, we've all done that. We've all done the scared shitless, whatever. When you just almost got into a car accident, somebody swerved in front of you, and you're like, oh, shit. And we've all done these super angry. Got into a big blowout with the wife or the girlfriend or vice versa or whatever it is. So it's like in life, you have kind of done that spectrum. But comedy, you may not have done.

[Gina Grad]

No, I was. I acted in a drama last year. I was in a TV show called Mob City, that was a cop show with Jon Bernthal from Walking Dead. And I thought, this is gonna be easy because I can. You know, I don't have to do anything. But it's actually. It's like. It's not apples and oranges, it's apples and submarines. You know, it's. Because with comedy, I know what the end result that I'm driving at is, and I know how to ring a laugh out of this. There's a laugh to be rung out of it. And with drama, it's literally. It's like you. It's. In a way, it's like surfing or skiing, where you have to really let go of everything you're trying to accomplish, which is not an easy thing for control freaks. To do like yourself and let something happen on its own.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And especially with these real dramatic actors. Like the first table read we did, you know, John Brenthal has Jon Brenthal talking like this. And I'm like, well, if the mob is going to be in the oil field, we're gonna have to go in later at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

The problem is there's no radio. I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. I should have been in. I was like a big drag queen.

[Donnie]

Does it feel unsatisfying? Does it feel unsatisfying that there's no specific payoff? Like you said, you can wring a laugh out of it. You know what the reaction's gonna be, but you don't know what the reaction's gonna be dramatically.

[Gina Grad]

You do, but you get it very differently. It's like when you're writing something and you don't know where you're going, and then you. And then it solves itself because you're writing it and it. It's. It's like, oh, we had. We had something there that something happened where you really do get to the point where it becomes real. And it's really not interesting to talk about, but it's actually fun to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Steve.

[Gina Grad]

Steve hung up five hours ago. Steve's gone back to his microbrewery.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I will. I think one of these days I'll write something that is more dramatic or more serious. And I like to have a little seriousness in the movies I write anyway, so it doesn't. Because it paid. Makes the comedy pay off.

[Gina Grad]

The comedy in your movies is all the comedy. And I know in roadheart, it. It all comes from the characters. I mean, you're not. You're behaving completely normally in them. I mean, that's. Basically, you're doing a dramatic role. It's just that the circumstances are. You know, it's the life of a comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're. You mean. Yeah, you're in. Except for the parts up on stage when you're doing stand up. But even then, you're kind of.

[Gina Grad]

You're not like doing a Jim Carrey spaz out performance. It's a very. It's a realistic performance. And even in the two scenes in the movie that I'm in or the one scene in the movie that I'm in, when I'm on screen, I can't look at myself. I look down at my hands or I look over. I just. I don't like to look at myself on screen because it's Just to me, it's just, you know, the hideousness.

[Adam Carolla]

I look at you as attractive.

[Gina Grad]

So now imagine me watching videos of me. Me fucking someone that I make. I'm gonna keep drinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. You can't look at the front of your face. Imagine looking at the back of your sack.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's sort of like. I imagine it's like video of a polar bear. I think that's a Sam Kinison joke.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Dana did a really nice job and wrote hard, by the way. His part was sort of dramatic in a way. Yeah, dramatic.

[Gina Grad]

I was playing myself literally. It was quite literally the role I was. Was born to play.

[Adam Carolla]

You nailed it.

[Gina Grad]

It's great, though. It's roadhar was. You know, obviously I wouldn't come on and say that it sucked, but it was. Take this in the spirit that I say. It was a lot better than it had to be. You know what I was like. That was like. I knew it would be good. I knew it would be funny, but then I was like, oh, no, this is. It was. It's really about something. I was. I was really proud to be in that. It was really great.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was really glad to have you. And, like, with Dana and everyone who was in it, they just sort of trusted me, which was nice. The most flattering part of life is not. Well, let me read the script first and get back to you, everybody. I asked all the folks who you recognize from Road Hard. I told them what I was doing, and they said, when do you need me? Which was a really nice way for them to go about it.

[Gina Grad]

And Kevin Hench, who directed the film, in the grips of a crippling heroin addiction.

[Adam Carolla]

We should just finally say it. Man's lost 30 pounds.

[Gina Grad]

Kevin Hench, who people don't know, is a friend of Adam's and mine, who's. He's a comedy guy. But then, like, I saw him on the hike. There's a hike near our house, and I saw him, and he took his shirt off, and he looked like a boxing poster from the 1800s. It's like, you're not supposed to be built like that.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a comedy.

[Gina Grad]

Comedy dark.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem with him. And like I said, a lot of problems. Yeah, I told him to change his frames, is he's a guy who's like a sports fanatic, who's heterosexual. He's not. He's. He's not Jewish, and he has none of the trappings of any of the comedy anything.

[Gina Grad]

No, he's like a real dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, they wouldn't let him. Let him into Largo even to watch a show, much less get up on.

[Gina Grad]

Ironically, the. The other person that would lump into that is Chris Henchy. And.

[Adam Carolla]

Then one day, Brooke Shields.

[Gina Grad]

Brooke Shields husband.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Does all this stuff. So it's hench and henchy.

[Gina Grad]

And I once called Kevin Chris when talking. When I bumped into him and he was with his mom and he's like, hey, this is my friend. And then I got his name wrong. That was a good moment. I was really proud of that moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's weird, but in this town, if you seem too straight and too anything, just too straight. Lace. Too regular, too sort of jock like or, you know, it doesn't feel like you have a creative. You don't look creative. You don't feel creative.

[Donnie]

Did he at least have an ironic lumberjack beard?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he had nothing. No, he had nothing.

[Donnie]

No plaid shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he had to do it. It's one of those things where he had to do it purely on content because they had none of the trappings of, you know. His first name wasn't Diablo. There was nothing going on in his life. No tattoos, no jewelry of any kind, no facial hair. But not like it's a choice on his part. I feel like he's choosing to go the other way, I don't think. What's the other way, though. No, he knows. He knows what he's doing is my point. Does not.

[Gina Grad]

He came into it through sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

So that. That's. So right away, he's approach. He came into the same room. We came into the same room through completely different worlds.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

You know, and I have the. You know, I'm still somewhat rocked that Leonard Nimoy died.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

[Gina Grad]

Whereas I don't think Kevin. I don't think he missed a step.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, he just took another step down that trail.

[Gina Grad]

I'm still. I am so far from the Vulcan level of pon far right now, I can't even discuss it with you people.

[Donnie]

Thanks for quantifying it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now I gotta know because I brought him up on the podcast and he may have died moments before or moments after where somebody tweeted me that. But you can take him off the screen if you like, but I'm going to hop back on the phones for one second. But, yeah, Hench. Smart. Good guy to write with. Good writer, good director. And, you know.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah, no, that was everything. I. Yeah, we're not.

[Adam Carolla]

So there you go. Roadheart. Better than it needed to be. Put that on the poster.

[Gina Grad]

The reviews are in from a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Who'S in the movie. Yep.

[Gina Grad]

No, but. But you know what I mean by that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we needed jokes.

[Gina Grad]

No, no, no. I'm glad you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. What I mean is it could have. Didn't have to have stories.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it was. It was. It was. It's a funny movie. You're getting every laugh that you think you're gonna get, and it's really funny and entertaining, but you actually get more that there's actually a real story. It's a real human story.

[Donnie]

It had more heart than you might have expected.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's. Leave it to the female species to articulate it better.

[Donnie]

My Dana to English dictionary.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much. And by the way, available on pre order. We got it on itunes. It's second to Lord of the Rings and the pre order Corral. So it's really flattering that you guys have put it that high up the ranks.

[Gina Grad]

Well, both movies have a lot of guys without a ton of muscle tone in them.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have got Hench in front of that camera.

[Gina Grad]

See, he would have been like Viggo Mortensen. And I am standing aside him like his faithful and crafty hobbit sidekick.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you should do as I. As I think about it, because I can't stand looking at myself either. But I don't look at myself like I'm looking at myself. I just look at myself as. This is a movie that this guy's in, and I'm gonna try to watch this guy. So I don't get quite as. Otherwise, I think my head would explode.

[Gina Grad]

When I do stand up on a talk show, like I'm on Conan in a week or two. And when I'm backstage waiting to go on, that's like the only time that I would get nervous because there's nothing to do but wait. And you think when that curtain parts, I'm going to be the only thing on TV for five minutes. Yeah, that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. That is the hardest part is they always come get you much earlier than they need you. And then you just. When you're in your dressing room, you know, you're sort of Robert De Niro in Raging Bull after you got fat, you know, in front of the mirror, throwing a few air punches, you're feeling okay, and then they go, we need you. And then they come get you, and they walk you around, and then they stand you by there and they go, okay, here's what's gonna happen. Cohen's gonna say your name, Curtain's gonna open. Step to the left, walk forward. There's always something. Like, there's one little caveat. You know, there's a hooker's body out there.

[Gina Grad]

Step over.

[Adam Carolla]

There was like, the first step. There's a step right at the front. Be careful. They do a thing. And then they make you just stand there, stand there.

[Gina Grad]

And then there's.

[Adam Carolla]

You just stand there. And there's a mirror there, by the way, so you can look at yourself standing there.

[Gina Grad]

And then I think this. When was the last time I pooped? Oh, my God. Until I started doing this, when I. I would think, I will. I'll pretend that I'm like, what was. What did Johnny Carson do? Like, when he was waiting to go on? Or what did. Like when George Carlin would go on the Tonight show in the 70s when he looked like he literally was in the middle of talking to somebody and he just walked on stage, right? Like, as an afterthought, right? And all I'll do is I'll just preoccupy myself with wondering how somebody else would react. And that kills the talk.

[Donnie]

And they've called your name eight times and you've heard.

[Adam Carolla]

I always do the. I always just stand there for a long period of time. And you stand there, stand there. And then you'll decide, I need a hit of water. I need some water. Like, also need water. You're standing in air conditioning and you're like, I'm getting a dry mouth. I gotta get some water. Then you get some water and you take a hit and you like, screw the cap back on. You'll put away. And then like 11 seconds later, you go, I need another hit of water. You unscrew the cap. The cap. There should be a thing in a cap, or once it goes on and off, like 15 times in under a minute, there should be a little. Who you kidding? Voice that comes out of like, leave it off, douchebag. You're just fucking wearing me out. Like, turn it and put it back on. What you set it on is the inside of the flat, the one by threes that are skinned with Luan. Or I'll think of, yeah, Luan on the other side, but on your side, they're perfect little water bottle shells. And you just set it there. And that's like one more hit. And then you stand there and then you go, is my nose running? I'm getting a little sweat. I feel like I'm getting a little sweat on my lip and my nose. I feel like my nose is running a little bit. Then I'll get the and then that's when the.

[Gina Grad]

What if I'm gay? What if I'm gay? And it hits me right when I go on stage and I say it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what it was with Nimoy is when we did the show on Thursday or Friday or whenever we're doing it, somebody brought up a song or something like that. And I. Sheena talking about the racist poetry, right?

[Donnie]

Oh, Artie was talking about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I said, should be narrated by Leonard Niemor. And that when we're doing that show with Artie, about that time on. About that day, I think he may have been expiring.

[Gina Grad]

That happened to me with Charlton Heston. I was on stage doing a bit about Charles and Heston, and I walked off stage and somebody held up their phone. He had. The news had broken while I was talking about him. I don't know when he passed, but the news broke as I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The aforementioned Road Hard. Maya Angelou is brought up in that movie and Robin Williams is brought up in that movie as well in a very small period of time. And they died right after we got done with that. Two people had been around for quite some time. Good job. Yeah, thanks. That.

[Gina Grad]

You weren't thinking that you. That weren't on, like, the. On the. On the. On the soon to depart list, right.

[Adam Carolla]

That. That wasn't on any. That neither one of them was on anyone.

[Gina Grad]

It's like when I. It's. There's. There's that school of people. They announced that they're dead. And you did. You had no idea they were still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shirley Temple is like that.

[Gina Grad]

Shirley Temple, Yeah. Jack Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Gina Grad]

He's been alive all this time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got Richard Dawson on that one, which is. I think he's still alive, but I never.

[Gina Grad]

I don't think he is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, then, you see, that's.

[Gina Grad]

My point again, I don't. But we're not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One could never.

[Gina Grad]

The surviving members of the Star Trek cast and the surviving members of the who should just tour together.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Shall we do. Should we do.

[Gina Grad]

I like Pete Townsend very much, but I don't like Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. I did Celebrity Apprentice with him. And I was like, well, you know, when you've been in a. Japanese internment. Japanese American internment. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's an internment camp filled with Japanese people. I'm sorry. I didn't put the American in front of it.

[Gina Grad]

Japanese American.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's like, we want to build A museum for the Japanese. And I'd be like, here. They. We're trying to raise money for the museum for the Japanese Internment America. Okay. Sorry.

[Donnie]

Trying to help him.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to help you. Damn.

[Gina Grad]

I know. He's.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna shorten your name even more in about 10 seconds. Bitch. Careful, George. He'll mention you in his next movie. I'm getting close to just lopping off part of the Japanese he had this big thing about.

[Gina Grad]

I really do believe that it's time that Ikaru Sulu got promoted. Like. No. Because he's not real. He shouldn't have his own starship. He's a fictitious character.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. I never.

[Gina Grad]

Bart Simpson doesn't ever have to go to high school and Sulu doesn't have to get promoted.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point. By the way. Dana Gould. Two Emmys for the Simpsons. We talked about it a little bit. Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

For people who think that the Emmys are important. I'd like to remind you I have too. That's an ironic statement because I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Give you a good baker's dozen for your work on the Simpsons. I know what you mean. It's self deprecating.

[Gina Grad]

It doesn't. But it does. None of those shows.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it silly could go either way.

[Gina Grad]

But I'm glad I have them.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to think of some of my favorite episodes and we talked about Homer stealing cable as one of my favorite ones. Whatever. The rancho. Relax. Laxo 1 was. As Marge takes it. Whatever. There's a couple.

[Gina Grad]

Leonard Nimoy is in my favorite Simpsons episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I was gonna ask you. What is your favorite Simpsons episode?

[Gina Grad]

I believe it's called Last night to Springfield. It's. Conan O'Brien wrote it. It was the monorail. To me that was the first. And that was very. Phil Hartman is the guy. Third or fourth season.

[Adam Carolla]

The Music man kind of thing, Right?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that Phil Hartman?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. The cap came off my soda can. Here. Use my pen knife. My good man.

[Adam Carolla]

Monorail.

[Gina Grad]

And that was really the one that just really sort of left the atmosphere and became something really truly amazing. And.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was a great episode.

[Gina Grad]

That was a great episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Homer tries to become morbidly obese to get out of the words.

[Gina Grad]

I think I worked on that one.

[Donnie]

They rub the fried food on the paper and if it's clear you can eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The bird flies into the wall. Yeah. That's your magic window. Yeah. What are you doing? Washing my fat guy hat. His fat guy hat.

[Gina Grad]

There's Another great episode that was written while I was there, and it's called the Parent Rap, and it's where Marge and Homer are handcuffed together because of a false accusation of child abuse. And we had a judge named Judge Constance Harmony. It was played by Jane Kacmarek. And at one point, Homer and Marge go to her house because they need to talk to her. And it's late at night. And George Meyer wrote this line. George Meyer or Mike Scully wrote it. It was one of the two guys. And Homer looks in the window, and he just goes, look at her in there washing her body.

[Adam Carolla]

Marge versus the monorail is Marge versus Monroe. Yeah, I know. I always say it's not Last Exit to Springfield. No. And he worked there.

[Gina Grad]

That is another episode, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It's just not written by Conan.

[Gina Grad]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When? Thanks again, Internet.

[Gina Grad]

No, don't take my word for it. I barely know the name of my own episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

When Marge went to Rancho Relaxo to unwind, Barney came by to help them take care of Maggie and the kids and stuff like that and certain points. Barney got drunk and kind of passed out on the kitchen floor. And Homer came in the next day, and Barney was, like, passed out on the kitchen floor, and he's like, oh.

[Gina Grad]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like. He was so uncomfortable. Like, oh, my back sore. And then he got up, he pulled out this conch shell that he had been sleeping on. This huge, pointed conch shell. And it was like. It was so random that that would be on a kitchen. In a kitchen on a floor, that it would get underneath the fat guy, that he would sleep between that and the linoleum the whole time.

[Gina Grad]

But there was a time when Barney got sober, and it was like, that white.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Sulu needs a helicopter.

[Gina Grad]

Sulu needs a promotion, and Barney should get sober. And then Barney was sober, and we were just like, why the fuck is he sober? This blows, right? It was such, like, how do we get him back on the sauce without, like, bumming everybody out?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Homer, sorry. Bart builds the soapbox. Derby racer was a good one, too. Very good one. And Homer adopts the sort of big brother, little Catholic big brother thing was a really good episode, too.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah. Well, the helper monkey, too, is another Homer. Pray for Mojo is another great George Moss.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Unfinished Business, starring Vince Vaughn. Coming out in theaters. That is Friday. That is March 6th. And Vince never disappoints. Whatever he's in, I'm in. I watch. I'll stare at him the whole time. I don't Care. Sometimes I even have to do that thing with the weenie wrap. He's easy.

[Gina Grad]

I'm a fan. Please don't mix up the sponsors.

[Adam Carolla]

Please don't mix up the sponsors. I just think he's a great comedic actor. And I thought I'd tell you a little about one of the more bizarre stories. For me. For me, business travel. Yeah, I was trying to.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, do you travel for business?

[Adam Carolla]

Get out of town every once in a while.

[Gina Grad]

Make a movie about it, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, about being on the road. I don't know. I mean, every comedian's got a horrible travel story. For me, I gotta say, the time I was sharing the room with Kimmel.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And we were sharing the room, period. There's a bad story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was. It was. We were way out. We were in Seattle, but we were way out of town. I mean, it was a good half hour before we got to town. There's so much. You know, people. When people know. You don't know. And by the way, kind of before the Internet, when they'd say, we're putting you up in Seattle, you know, we're sending you.

[Gina Grad]

I know exactly where you're sending. I know exactly where.

[Adam Carolla]

Right next to the Space New Kirkland they go. So you're going out to Seattle to the Final Four, and then you're pitching yourself, like atop the Space Needle with Elvis and singing. You know what I mean? Like you're picturing yourself drinking a microbrew with a bald eagle on your shoulder and Elvis to your left and you're on the Space Needle or Mount Rainier or something. But now you're in Kirkland watching your million.

[Gina Grad]

It usually has the name of an animal in the name of the city. Usually. Well, you're actually in Deer Meadow.

[Adam Carolla]

Gee. And let me tell you, bad, bad times in terms of accommodations. When you share a parking lot with a Kwik e Mart or 711 Circle case, there's some. When the same parking lot is used by your building and the 711 and then you're on the first floor. So it's like when the headlights. Lights come through to park that come in into your room. And when the owner fires off a shotgun, you hear that too.

[Donnie]

They didn't afford you blackout curtains either.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, but it's all right. We had to get up at like 4:15 and drive to do morning radio anyway because we're 40 minutes out of town. But Jimmy took a shower that morning first. And then the plumbing was so bad in the place that when I got in it was spray about 14 inches of water in the tub. And then I got in and I was trying to take my shower and I got about four minutes of my shower and he did the knock on the hollow core bathroom door and he goes, you may want to be careful in that water. I took care of a little business before I stepped out. And I was just like, I have no idea whether he's telling the truth. I don't know if he was effing with me. I had no idea what was going. But standing and another man's soup iceberg dead ahead. Not what you want. Should we do a little news?

[Donnie]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. I have a new news song whipped up by Mike lynch and Rich Banks and it's based off of, well, the storage unit told a couple of days ago about to play. She was in. Here's the song. News with Gina Grad. Show Business Congress Tech News Forces World News. Give me News with Gina Grad Whip out of Florida Sex Surveys Obama Gina.

[Gina Grad]

The news with Gina Grad.

[Donnie]

Awesome.

[Gina Grad]

All right, that's not nice. That's not an inexpensive theme either.

[Donnie]

That was great. Well, as you know, Leonard Nimoy passed away. I thought I could just give you a little more information about that. He was 83 and his wife Susan Bae Nimoy told the New York Times that the actor died from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease which he had had for a while. He was hospitalized last week for chest pains, but then he was released.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that just heart disease? I don't know what that. I assume smoking related lung something. I don't know. It's great that we're living in a time when a guy dies well after his 80th birthday and we're like, kids, don't engage in this activity. And it's like seemed like it worked okay to you, old millionaire.

[Donnie]

Well, this is totally.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, yeah, someone who would have got hold of an 11 year old Leonard Nimoy in 1931. You will die beloved 83 year old and rich. Would you sign that? Would you take that?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's a good deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's fair few wars that broke out in that time and lots of people getting run over by trolley cars. So not too shabby. Yeah, you're right.

[Donnie]

Well, you know, he gained fame of course as Spock and he did eight other Star Trek movies, dozens of multimedia adaptions. Now I can't believe this is right. And I actually should have checked this twice because it sounds so weird. Did you know he directed Three Men and Baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Bizarre. I heard. I don't know why, you know. Well, there's a couple things. We are so concretely wired. We're like, how could Spock direct three actors? He's not even from this planet. You know what I mean? But we don't think that concretely. But there is a part of us that's like, why? How. How could he do that? How could he do that? Well, he's an actor who has 50 years experience and he's not an idiot. He's an intelligent guy and he's. He's not strung out on heroin. And. And by the way, those kind of movies taken from the guy who co directed comedy not too long ago. Not that difficult to sort of position guys.

[Donnie]

Tell Steve Guttenberg where to stand.

[Gina Grad]

He also directed Star Trek 3 and Star Trek IV.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, great. Star Trek IV is a really good movie. I know you're not a nerdy. That's the whale one.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Star Trek Free Willy crossover series.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's a good one.

[Donnie]

Okay, well, ufc. I don't know if you guys saw this. UFC bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey beat her opponent, Kat Zingano, Saturday night. And that's not even the crazy part.

[Gina Grad]

Now that what would be great is if her opponent was Leonard Nimoy, and that's how he died. 83 year old, but one of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Get in the ring died to him they love. He's a competitor 14 seconds into the.

[Gina Grad]

Match, bludgeoned to death.

[Donnie]

This is what's so amazing. Like you said, she finished the fight in a record 14 seconds, making that a record for any UFC title bout. It was her 11th straight win, her fifth time defending her title, and her ninth win via armbar. And here's how it went down.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the scariest guy in the ring is always the ref when it comes to ufc.

[Gina Grad]

Via arm bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Armbar is bending your arm a direction that you don't want it to bend and it's over. That's that. She used to train, by the way, her mom's a jiu jitsu expert and was in the first, I don't know, whoever American to win or whatever in the Olympics or something like that. And her mom, like the Pink Panther and Cato would come up behind her like when she's young and try to get her in an arm box grapple. Yeah. Later on when she hit her teen years and was having sex with her new boyfriend, it became weird and uncomfortable. But like, her mom would like sneak up on her, come up behind her, and she'd like, you know, try to slide out of it. And she just trained her that way.

[Gina Grad]

I do love. And there's a couple stories like a guy tries to mug or like a guy tries to.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always the best story.

[Gina Grad]

Like a black belt guy. And they just get. My favorite thing to me, my favorite thing on the Internet is Jay Lee beating up the pimp. I'm sure you've seen that. Oh, no, there's a. You can look it up. Jay Lee is a very famous karate expert. And what happened was he was giving a self defense seminar at a. At a police department. Like he was. You know, everybody comes in and. And across the street, a pimp is beating up one of his girls. And this is all in video because there's a security camera at the corner of the police station. So he walks out across the street and tells me to knock it off. The guy charges him and he just looks and he just. No, he just drops him. Flick of the hand, really. Lick of the hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

Drops him and then just looks up at the security camera and shrugs.

[Adam Carolla]

They're brazen move, beating up your hooker.

[Gina Grad]

Outside the police department. Beating up a pimp. Just like. No, the pimp. Brazen move. Beating up on the woman outside of the police department. Pimps are brazen. I don't know if you know anything about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And she's trying to hold him back. Hasn't he done enough?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, she likes him.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Now watch this.

[Adam Carolla]

This is amazing.

[Donnie]

Stockholm syndrome.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that pimp hits. He backhanded him very casually.

[Gina Grad]

Good night.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing. Well, Dana, I would say this. Two things. I would say. I'm not sure. I. I feel like his. His hoe was given as good as she was getting in terms of the pimp. And yes, it turns out the other guy's pimp hand was stronger. Turned out to be his left.

[Gina Grad]

Watches.

[Adam Carolla]

He can't even forearm.

[Donnie]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the guy can't walk. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Now slide whistle music.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, it also seems like that pimp may have had a little crevassier before he engaged in this behavior.

[Gina Grad]

You'll notice it. But he's informed. He isn't. If you look, look, he's in a cab. He's not driving.

[Adam Carolla]

He's being responsible. Dude, the guy, if you watch. The karate guy did a very nice move, which is he stood in an orthodox stance. He cocked his right fist and pulled it back. Like, don't come any closer. And then whacked him with his left, which is why you don't want to fight with guys who fight, their left hand is good. Distracted them. Guys who don't fight, you only have to worry about that right hand. The guys who do fight.

[Donnie]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I never even noticed that he hesitated. Held his right hand low and out. So if you freeze it right there you go. Okay. He's displaying his right hand and he's showing the guy's right hand. He's like jiggling keys for drunken large black baby. And he's saying, look, look over here, look over here. And then he goes with his weak hand and goes upside his head with the close hand, which the guy was not looking at. That's why I knocked him out.

[Gina Grad]

It seemed like a bad habit.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice, nice, nice. Sorry, where were we?

[Donnie]

No, I could watch this all day.

[Gina Grad]

And by the way, it's really satisfying.

[Donnie]

We talked to Ronda Rousey on the morning show and she says she has won fights in four seconds. So she's pretty fucking amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, it's great. Cause she's one of the angriest stares I've ever seen in my life. And then the other. It's kind of interesting. Dan, I don't know if you're single. I don't know if Rhonda's single, but I mean, I don't know.

[Gina Grad]

She's my wife's. My ex wife has won arguments in under 14.

[Adam Carolla]

It is interesting. I was thinking about the dynamic of living with someone, dating someone, or being married to someone who can kick your ass. Now women live with this, but I've never experienced it. I mean, I've had shit kicked down by my bodies all the time.

[Gina Grad]

We didn't know. And that's amazing. This is the amazing thing. And until the book 50 Shades of Gray, we didn't know how much they loved it. Yeah, big fan, begging for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Turns out they need it.

[Gina Grad]

Sometimes you just meet a regular off the street billionaire with a St. Andrews crossroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone see that movie?

[Donnie]

I did.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Gina Demur.

[Adam Carolla]

She talked about it.

[Donnie]

Such a boring piece of shit.

[Gina Grad]

Well, here's the thing. I didn't see the movie, but it's a movie about a thing that it can't show you exact.

[Donnie]

Exactly.

[Gina Grad]

And you can only see this, the thing that it can't show you. You can only see if you have a phone or computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Then you can see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. So I mean, you understand there's room in everyone's Netflix queue for your nine and a half weeks kind of stuff. Because that's erotic. But it's something Something else. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Some things aren't the other thing. You know, sometimes a book is just a book, and a movie is a good movie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my son. Sometimes a thing is just a thing. I think it's like Freud.

[Gina Grad]

Piano would make a great lamp. No, it's a piano. This is a hit piano.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's turn it into a lamp. What else we got?

[Donnie]

Well, a woman named Sarah will be on the Dr. Phil show on Tuesday explaining why she sends $1.4 million to a man she fell in love with online. And also, of course, asking Dr. Phil to help her meet this supposed Italian man named Chris Wilson. According to Sarah, Chris made several attempts to go to the US to see her, but keeps getting falsely accused and arrested for money laundering. Sarah says she's 95% sure that Chris is legit, and he promises to pay her back all of the money. Here's a clip of Sarah explaining why she's so in love with this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

She never met him.

[Donnie]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Dr. Phil's gonna have fucking field day with this one.

[Gina Grad]

She has that kind of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't we always feel like all Dr. Phil does is overstate the obvious in super slow and sing songy fashion?

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's his formula. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

What you gotta do.

[Adam Carolla]

If I had a daughter, I would not in any way, shape or form encourage her to sell her home and her car and clear out her savings account and send it clear across the world to someone she's never met before.

[Gina Grad]

Do you know how he.

[Adam Carolla]

Obvious? Yeah, he was a jury. Yeah. Prep guy.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He was Oprah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he met Oprah. Cause Oprah had to win a court case, so she hired him to pick a nice jury for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Isn't it like Dr. Demento. Dr. Phil. Or is he Dr.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I'm sure he's like, you know Dr. William H. Cosby.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

He is a chemist.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he studied some sort of human behavior thing or something so we could figure out what the outcome of the trial was gonna be before we had the trial.

[Gina Grad]

But I don't think he's a trained psychotherapist.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we'll see the. See the. We gotta get him together with Nancy Grace. Do we? Yeah, so they can just sit down on a rickety helicopter, have them overstate the obvious.

[Gina Grad]

Nancy Grace, the missing link between woman and raccoon.

[Donnie]

This is why Sarah's so in love.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Chris has a way with words.

[Dana Gould]

He'll say, how is my queen doing today? Or he'll say, how is my flower today?

[Adam Carolla]

I hope she's been watered. He's very poetic when he talks to me.

[Dana Gould]

He's just spectacular. Chris and I have discussed getting married. I believe Chris does consider me his wife. Chris would make a comment like, Mrs. Olsen, I love you, and I can't wait to be with you again. I've actually never met Chris in person, but I am definitely in love with Chris.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Flower that needs to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I guarantee this by the way.

[Gina Grad]

She loves Chris. And carbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Somewhere, this woman's in pain. Somewhere, rolling over in their grave is a guy who worked for 41 years on the fire department who saved every nickel and then died from a massive coronary at age 59. And the $1.4 million is all he left behind to the carb cruncher over here, who's cruising young cock online.

[Gina Grad]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we can only hope.

[Donnie]

She said she's had to sell some of her apartment buildings. I guess she's a landlord, and she just. She says she's probably wired him money over a thousand times because she believes it's love.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why in my will, I want to be buried with my wife's vagina. I don't want her out there partying, spending my money. She's still alive. But you're dead. You want that parting part with you? Yeah. I'll be gone. Okay. She'll have a couple of nice cars and a lot of cash. That's fine. Yeah. I just don't want you out there partying. I gotcha. Meeting dudes on the Internet. You know what I mean? I think it's just prudent. It's reasonable. It's reasonable.

[Donnie]

She'd probably volunteer to give it to.

[Adam Carolla]

You if she was. You know what? I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't volunteer to give me their vagina to be buried with. Right. It's definitely outside the box.

[Gina Grad]

So what I'm getting out of that. What I'm getting from you is. Closed casket.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're going cremation. I don't want any grave robbers.

[Gina Grad]

Adam looked. They did a good job on Adam, but I have to say, vagina was fantastic. Yeah, I thought it was just. It was. It was tucked into the bouquet of lilies, so it was.

[Donnie]

When's the last time you saw labia like that?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

When was the last time you saw labia like that in a coffin? Here's your answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Never confused, folks. Weird vibes. Oh. All right, let's do one more.

[Gina Grad]

Is that an organ of a type?

[Donnie]

The AP reports that A West Virginia man faces charges of shooting his children with BB guns to discipline them.

[Gina Grad]

I've been shot with a BB gun.

[Donnie]

Oh, then I'll want you to weigh. Oh, there he is. I want you to weigh in on this. I love his shirt. The children are 6, 9 and 13 years old. Police say all three kids were taken to the hospital for treatment. Majewski, I believe his name is Ralph, is being charged with child abuse, serious bodily injury and domestic battery. He's being held for 120 grand and jail officers didn't know whether he has an attorney at this point because can.

[Adam Carolla]

I say this Freewheeler, Everyone thinks I'm the worst person on the planet when I say this, but I Today while the kids were out seeing a movie, MacFarlane, I seen Costner's new movie which is supposed to be good. While they're out, as I walk past their bathroom, of course the fart fan had been running and had been running for two hours since then. And then I'll go into like Sonny's bedroom and the space heater will be running and then I'll walk into the kitchen and I'll see the sack of chips that is gaping wide open.

[Donnie]

Nary a chip clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I've had the conversation on the fart fan and on the ceiling fan and on the oil heater and on the bag of chips or bag almonds. They wrap it up to put it over, to fold it over, do whatever. I've had that conversation 1300 times and I'll probably have it another 26,000 times before they move out of the house. Probably before they leave the house. The last fucking thing they'll do is turn on the fart fan and open a bag of chips and then leave. But one well placed BB and I do feel like problem solved.

[Gina Grad]

Well, people come down on me for saying this, but I'll say it again. Not all of your children are supposed to survive.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Donnie]

I don't know what I was expecting.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying one shot in the ass.

[Gina Grad]

That's why the female body can recover after birth. If it was just one, normally you guys, it would just, you would go inside out like, like husked corn.

[Adam Carolla]

You're making me happy. Don't romanticize it.

[Gina Grad]

I, I, look, the term vaginal cornhusker is thrown about willy nilly.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that band.

[Donnie]

So you think this guy is a bit of a pioneer in child rearing?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying I would like to hear more details because I'm telling you as a parent Once shot my son's ass with that BB gun. It's not gonna leave a scar.

[Gina Grad]

He shot him in the eye.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably shot him in the ass. Yeah. He's gonna get that fart fan shut off before he goes and sees the next Costner film. That's all I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there's a thing where if your kid. Dr. Drew'll say, Dr. Drew hates putting your hands. No switches, no hitting kids, no doing anything like that. And I can't. I just. It's not in me. It's not in me to punch a woman. It's not in me to hit my kid. It's not in me. I can't physically do it. But he says, if your kid goes out and runs across the street, doesn't look right or left, and just goes sprinting out the front yard and running the street, you can give them a whack. That's good for them. I mean, get their attention.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if they don't run in the street as he did, as much as turn the fucking fart fan off, I'm like, I'm gonna flat kid. Pretty soon, whack with the belt gets the attention, and then I'll never condones that.

[Gina Grad]

I swatted my daughter in the butt. She was going upstairs, and we were just like, okay, so good game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

And she's like, you hit me. I was like, no, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Donnie]

You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina. Gina.

[Gina Grad]

That was the news with Gina Grad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, last call. Hey. Oh, hey, Evan. Evan. 32, Cincinnati. Yeah, thanks for taking my call, Adam. Good. You got a question about the i8, the BMW plug in electric. Electric car. I was wondering if you had seen it. And I saw it on Top Gear, and it showed an app for your smartphone where you can turn on the car's air conditioning just from the app on the smartphone. And I was wondering if you had seen any other cars that had it yet, because I've heard you complain. Yes. About not being able to do this tons of times. And I was wondering if you knew. Is it because it's a hybrid and it has an electric motor, Is that what allows it to. To kick on and run off the electric motor? Well, first off, Germans are better than us. They're simultaneously better than everyone and way worse at the same time.

[Gina Grad]

They don't bother with the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they don't hang out in the middle. They go high, low. Well, it's Like I said, look at a German guy. He'll be wearing a great pair of suede shoes and have great frames on his glasses. Everything in between is no good mess. It's the bottom and the top where the Germans really excel.

[Gina Grad]

They'll be wearing great shoes. There's just below a pair of plaid shorts, right?

[Donnie]

And a jaunty scarf.

[Gina Grad]

With a button up shirt tucked into the shorts, by the way. Fun fact. Not everyone realizes if you tuck your shirt into shorts, you are a child molester.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Let's not let that happen.

[Gina Grad]

That's how they tell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a fun fact. But great frames. They always have great frames. I love this idea because I've said we were on Carcast. We'll show you. We tried a car we used. It was a. You can pull it up, Gary. It's a Rolls Royce Wraith. I think it was called $400,000. It's so weird to drive around a car that's $400,000. It feels like it, but anyway, it's insane. But that car probably doesn't have this option. But let me explain what would happen if I bought the BMW i8. I'd be coming out of the Costco in Burbank and the dog days of middle of June, August, July, somewhere, some dog day of summer, maybe September. Middle of September out here in Los Angeles is a bitch. I'd be walking up to it and I'd think, you know what? I'm going to turn the air on right now. I'm going to hit this button on my iPhone. I've got an app, I'm going to hit a button. We'll get the air blowing through the seats. We'll turn the air on or crack the window a little bit. And it'll be nice and cool when I get up to it. And I'd hit it and it'd be like that scene in Casino. I'd just hit it in the car, blow up. That's how I am with technology. I would fuck it up. I'd hit the wrong button somehow. I wouldn't even know why they had an explosion button on there. But somehow that's me in technology. I would hit the fucking thing and it just be like the beginning and the end and then they call your.

[Gina Grad]

Wife and she's like, she's like, there's his car exploded. Oh, he is okay. Oh, thank God. I thought I was gonna have to cut my vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

He wasn't in it. Bullet dodge. All right, that does it for today's Pro Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for all new installment.

[Gina Grad]

Until then hollow and get it on.