Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show - "Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)"

Release Date: March 29, 2025

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Overview

In this episode of Carolla Classics, host Adam Carolla revisits memorable moments featuring acclaimed actress Illeana Douglas and renowned comedian Dana Gould. The conversations delve into their personal experiences in the entertainment industry, navigating relationships, and the comedic intricacies of everyday life. True to the show's reputation, the discussions are laced with unfiltered humor, candid insights, and Adam's signature sharp wit.

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Guest Introductions

• Illeana Douglas: An esteemed actress known for her versatile roles in independent films and mainstream cinema, Illeana brings a wealth of experience and a unique perspective to the conversation.

• Dana Gould: A celebrated comedian with a long-standing career in stand-up and television, Dana shares his journey through the comedic landscape alongside Adam.

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Key Discussions

1. Navigating Hollywood and Personal Relationships

   • Timestamp [37:47]: Adam welcomes Illeana Douglas, reminiscing about their first meeting at an industry event. Illeana humorously recounts her experience on a house-hunting TV show, highlighting the absurdities of reality TV.
   • Timestamp [38:24]: Illeana discusses her foray into acting, working alongside legends like Robert De Niro and Martin Scorsese. She shares behind-the-scenes anecdotes from iconic films such as Goodfellas and Cape Fear, emphasizing the intensity and dedication required in dramatic roles.

2. The Challenges of Stand-Up Comedy

   • Timestamp [77:50]: Dana Gould opens up about his brief stint in stand-up comedy, expressing his dislike for the craft despite his success in other comedic avenues. He highlights the differences between performing in intimate settings versus large theaters, underscoring the emotional investment in live performances.

3. Impact of Personal Experiences on Comedy and Acting

   • Timestamp [157:28]: Illeana shares her challenging audition experiences, including a memorable encounter with a casting director that tested her resilience. Adam and Dana join in with their own stories of industry-related struggles, fostering a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding among the guests.

4. Balancing Professional and Personal Lives

   • Timestamp [181:23]: Illeana and Dana discuss the delicate balance between personal relationships and professional commitments. They touch upon the pressures of maintaining personal integrity while navigating the often cutthroat entertainment industry.

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Notable Quotes

• Illeana Douglas:

  • [38:24]: "Being on set with Robert De Niro was like diving into a pool of discipline and dedication. Every scene demanded everything you had."

• Dana Gould:

  • [77:50]: "Stand-up comedy isn't for me. I thrive behind the microphone with scripted humor where I can control the narrative."

• Adam Carolla:

  • [157:28]: "Sometimes, just being part of these stories with Illeana and Dana reminds me why we do what we do—bringing a bit of laughter and truth to the chaos."

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Insights and Reflections

Throughout the episode, Illeana and Dana provide deep insights into the nature of acting and comedy. Illeana emphasizes the importance of authenticity and emotional truth in her dramatic roles, while Dana reflects on the personal fulfillment he finds outside the traditional stand-up circuit. Adam facilitates these discussions with his characteristic humor, allowing guests to explore their vulnerabilities and triumphs.

The conversations also shed light on the often-overlooked personal struggles behind public personas, offering listeners a more intimate glimpse into the lives of successful entertainers. The synergy between Adam, Illeana, and Dana creates a dynamic and engaging dialogue that resonates with both industry veterans and everyday fans.

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Conclusions

"Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)" serves as a testament to the enduring relevance of The Adam Carolla Show. By revisiting these classic moments, Adam not only honors the achievements of his guests but also underscores the timeless nature of honest, humorous conversations. Listeners are left with a sense of appreciation for the art of storytelling in comedy and acting, as well as the valuable lessons learned from personal and professional experiences.

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Final Thoughts

For those who haven't tuned into The Adam Carolla Show, this episode offers a rich blend of humor, heart, and industry wisdom. Illeana Douglas and Dana Gould's candid reflections, paired with Adam's engaging hosting, make "Illeana Douglas + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)" a must-listen for fans seeking both laughter and meaningful insights.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dana Gould]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We put the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Croll classics available through podcast one premium as well as Adam Carolla's substack for the ad free archives, AdamCorla.substack.com, you have the ad free archives for this show, the Adam Corolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, and the exclusive home of Adam's brand new podcast Beat It Out. If you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcrolo.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Crolla show 291 Sam Wolfson from 2010. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome Sam Wolfson who is the co creator of the hit play Dutopia and the bringer of Danish I did. Thank you Danish.

[Donnie]

You're so welcome. You're so welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so you're Jewish.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See, well, that's why you people are better because the gent, The Mexicans and the blacks and the Gentiles, we show up, we're like, hey, what's to eat? Is there any food? And you guys show up with food.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for Jackie Mason.

[Donnie]

Did he show up with no food?

[Adam Carolla]

He was a dick. He showed up. He showed up to Loveline. We did Loveline. You may remember that show, Dr. Drew. And he showed up. The show starts at 10:00 at night. And he showed up in the middle of culver City at 10:00 at night or, you know, 9:57 on, you know, in the middle of the week. And he's like, what? No bagels? And it was like. And I was like, well, we got one bagel, right, Jackie? And. And he was like, what? There's nothing. No, nothing to eat. And we're like, well, you know, it's 10 at night, and no, we don't have. We don't put out a whole spread. What do you want, some smoked salmon, right? And he's like, so nothing. No bagel. It was like. It was one of these things were like, hey, you're setting. You're setting your group back quite a bit. Like, if a black guy came in and went like, no fried chicken, no watermelon, like, I'll bust a pop a cap in your ass. Like, someone would pull him aside and go, you're setting your race back a little bit with this. The Jackie Mason's the only one that's coming.

[Donnie]

I just brought it forward, though. I just brought us one step back. I mean, forward.

[Adam Carolla]

After that, Mason, we took a step backward with Jackie, we just took two steps. Two steps forward.

[Donnie]

I'll have you know, I got her early. I was at the Burbank Bakery. My mom said, you should bring him some Danish. It's their house. You're a guest.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. See? And I got a whole thing better.

[Donnie]

We're not better.

[Adam Carolla]

You are. No, you are. No, look, I just. You know what? You are.

[Donnie]

We're hairier.

[Adam Carolla]

You're hairier and you're better. I. I just went over this earlier in the week with the Wiis. And speaking of the Wii, how we're better. Yeah, I'll explain.

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you guys better than us?

[Donnie]

Please tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, quickly, I should let you know that we are shipping the DVDs you guys so generously purchased, and we're on that as we speak. Now. Why are you guys better? Earlier in the week, I said to Donnie, look at it this way. We went to North Hollywood High. I picked three of my Friends, myself, my buddy Ray, and my buddy you just met a moment ago, Chris.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's in my shop right now with his dad, looking for his dad's transmission repair tools, which he left in the alley next to the shop. Just to let you know how the man has set himself up at age 68. He's in my shop and he's rummaging around for $8 worth of tools, which I don't think you've done. You do when your 401k is going well and you've feathered your nest quite nicely. But there's me, there's Ray, and there's Chris, and we were all friends, and we all went to North Hollywood high. And then there's our Jewish buddies from the hills. And I'll throw their names out. Jeff. One guy's name was. Well, maybe I won't use their full name, but Jeff, Robbie and Nate. Think I already used their full name. But those are our Jewish friends, right? And we were good friends with those guys. We used them quite a bit because they had houses in the hill that were filled with kugel or whatever you guys eat, and they had cars and they had a lot of stuff we didn't have. And so it's like Ray would get our buddy Alex to drive him to fat burger, and then he would get Alex to pay for his fat burger. And then on the way home, he actually peed on him while Alex was driving, his four door rabbit. Peed on the Jew. He peed on the Jew. It's not just a fraternity game. It's sort of like whack a mole, but different. The pee, a Jew, the little rabbi's head pops up. You see if you can squirt it with some urine before it pops down again. Yeah, he peed on the Jew after the Jew had just bought him a double king cheeseburger.

[Donnie]

And the Jew polite, thanked him.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the Jew pulled over, he was pissed, and he threw him out of his car. But the thing that was funny about it is when Alex pulled over on Lankershim after he just bought Ray lunch and said, get the fuck out of my car. Ray went for what? Like, Ray was indignant, and he was like, you just pissed on me while I was driving. Like, Ray pulled his cock out, started pissing on Alex while Alex was operating a vehicle, right? And Ray was like. Ray was incensed. Ray was indignant that he pissed on Alex, who was driving a car, and that Alex had the temerity to pull over and say, get out of my car. And Ray Was, you know, a full mile and a quarter from his mom's apartment. And Ray was like, what the fuck? It was really as if he went to change the station and his. On his presets or use a cigarette lighter and Alex pulled over. It was that kind of reaction.

[Donnie]

Was that the first time you guys had peed on other people while driving? Was that a thing you did or was it a new thing that happened?

[Adam Carolla]

We peed on Gentiles. We had peed on each other while driving. But we. I don't. This may be our first Jew. I don't. We probably pissed on Robby while we were driving.

[Donnie]

The Gentiles probably thought it was funny. They're like, oh, I'll piss on you next time. The Jew was probably like, I'm gonna get sort of infection.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jew was confused more than he was amused.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You see, whereas the Gentile was. The Gentiles weren't happy about it. It just became piss game on.

[Donnie]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I think. I think. I think the difference between a Gentile and a Jew is if you piss on a Gentile, it's sort of like this. It's like, if you piss on a gentile's leg, he's going to need to piss onto your shoulder or into your hair or something like that. Like, that's how it works down the line. Yeah. I got pissed on by the guy who's in the shop right now when I was in the ninth grade. And I was like, all right, now I need to piss on you. But I wasn't like, how dare you?

[Donnie]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So Alex was a little more like, what the fuck? But to be fair, he had a cloth interior. And he did just get done buying Ray a double king cheese fat burger, you know. Right. So, you know, I think he had the right to be indignant about it. I just like when he tried to throw him out of his car that Ray was indignant that Alex was asking him to get out of his car.

[Donnie]

But he was still better for driving him and buying him the burger. He's still a better.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, he's better. Well, here's my point. Why everyone's better over there bringing you back. So there was my three friends, or me, Ray and Chris, and then there was Robbie, Nate and Jeff, and. And we're all good friends. But there came a point where it became time for them to turn into Jews and for us to turn into Gentiles. And they. After graduating the same high school that we all attended, North Hollywood High, they headed off for ucla Stanford and Cal and we headed off for A and B, carpet cleaning and Van Nuys. And then we picked up a shovel and started digging. And then while they were working through their degrees, we were probably, you know, we're essentially laborers on construction sites at that point. And that was it. That was then. Ten years after graduation, we were all swinging hammers and toiling in the sun and they had white collar, decent jobs. Miserable one one became a lawyer. I'm sure everyone's miserable, but better to be miserable with a house that has central air than miserable in a shitty apartment with an AC unit just buzzing away in the next room, right?

[Donnie]

True. They push the education, right?

[Adam Carolla]

They do. Their family stayed together.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They were for the most part intact and they focused on some education. They made sure their kids got got into college and they took care of them so that they would. And it's more of an investment in the family's future because these guys, now that they're getting that they're middle aged men and that their parents are in their 70s, coming up on their 80s now they know that their educated, family oriented sons and daughters will then have, will then feel indebted to them and take care of them and be in the position to take care of them. My buddy Ray, he not in the position to take care of anybody but Ray. And even that he's barely qualified for. And Chris is in, you know, about the same shape. I got lucky with the comedy, right? But emotionally I'm not in a position to care for my parents. Financially I am. But the point is, the point is, is you guys are smart, you take care of each other, you send them out into the world and then eventually they come back with a little cash or some, or some Danish. You think Ray comes back with Danish? No.

[Donnie]

Well, let me tell you about the flip side. What time did you get here today for this?

[Adam Carolla]

10:00. We had it, we had a 10:00am 10:00am10:00am thing. 10:06:5. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Probably weren't too worried about traffic or stroll. You just kind of relax. Relaxed person. Guess what time I got here? Is that the dad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Chris's dad. Wow.

[Donnie]

That was a Gentile.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, Gentile too. Look at him. You the wrench that was holding a wrench? Yes. He's a seven law, right?

[Donnie]

With the Gentiles you have to be holding a wrench at all.

[Adam Carolla]

We'd like you to have an adjustable wrench. But I mean, yes, we either, I mean I have seen guys get stopped for not we, a wrench or tire iron. It doesn't have to be an adjustable wrench or crescent wrench, but it would be nice.

[Donnie]

He looks so happy to be holding that wrench. He was like, just so joyous.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris's dad is 70 years old and he came back here to get one wrench worth $8 so he can go work on somebody's transmission. That'll be his car. Will be. That car will be up on blocks and he'll work on it out of the driveway of his apartment building.

[Donnie]

See, I think that's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it sounds cool.

[Dana Gould]

It's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Live it for a week. Oh, Chris's dad. Let me tell you something. When me and Chris and Donnie, although I think Donnie had already moved out, were living in an apartment on North Hollywood, on Laurel Canyon, Chris's dad had a little, little stint in the joint. And he was one of these things where it's kind of funny, there's that.

[Donnie]

Dad was in the joint, did a.

[Adam Carolla]

Little, little time there. Nothing, nothing violent, but a little time there. Once in a while you go to the joint and it's like that Spike Lee movie where what's his. Norman, what's his name?

[Donnie]

25Th hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 25th hour. It was like a horrible version of that where Chris's dad came into our one bedroom apartment with a box that had a can of stew in it and like a flannel shirt and said, I need to crash on your sofa for about a month before I go into the joint. And I don't know why you can't just go into the joint and start doing your time. Why are you doing your time on our sofa? It's not counting, but yeah, there's a couple things I remember. It's a very gentile thing. He had a jar. He had a jar of clamado, which I feel like the Jews could embrace because it's horrible tasting and bizarre.

[Donnie]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Fishy. And it's mixing up. It's like taking a fish flavor and making it cold and putting it in the wrong place. And I feel like you guys could do that. But he had a jar of clamado, which he rinsed out when he was done and then would fill with tap water and became his cold water bottle, like his refrigerator cold water. Because when it's the summertime and you have no air, you want that cold water coming out of the fridge. But the cap of it was still red inside and smelled like fish. So the water still kind of smelled like fish water. And I used to drink it too. Like, it's cold what the fuck? Hold your nose. So that's what the gentiles do now. We went to the same high school, but we ended up going very different paths.

[Donnie]

Well, I was gonna say you were here two minutes before the show started. I came from Santa Monica. I slept. I got up at 4:30. I got here at 8:00. I didn't know what the to do and my 10 o'clock is my morning crap.

[Adam Carolla]

Constitution on the dot.

[Donnie]

I was. So I wanted to make sure I got her early enough to find a bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Donnie]

And I, I found one at the bakery. I didn't want to do it here. I don't know how close it was. So that's the flip side.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you can go shit my buddy Alex's car if you want. Let's get I'm not in on the.

[Donnie]

Peeing on your friends thing.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll take you to Fat Burger and then you can take a shit in his rabbit.

[Donnie]

I want to be a cool gentile.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I will say this. I mean like not a real Jew by the way.

[Donnie]

I'm not like temple all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I just, I mean it is, it is true. It's this, it's an interesting point which is the concern point. Like there's. I feel like there's a happy medium here. Which is to say Ray didn't worry enough in his life. Like when he got caught cutting in line. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront.

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Get his classes on a Friday registration and Mr. Smith told him to go to the back of the line. He said, fuck that, I'm going to the beach. Like he literally told Mr. Smith, I'm not going to the back of the line. I'm Going to the beach. And Smith said, you're not going to get any of your classes. And Ray just said, we'll see. And he hopped the fence and went to the beach, you know, And Ray did get all his classes, by the way. It wasn't positive reinforcement there. So now there has to be something in between Ray going, fuck it, I'm going to the beach. Which is not a good way to have a good way to be versus, you know, class registration starts at 8:00am and you pitch a tent the night before. Like you're trying to buy journey tickets in 1978. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want wringing your hand the whole time worried about some class that you're gonna get anyway.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fetching about it.

[Donnie]

And just together, Ray and I create a good person. Like Weird Science. Like, if you put us together, we'd be a super.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be the Kelly LeBrock of goyim Jews. Like, super goi Jew.

[Donnie]

We'd be unstoppable, Jewel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you'd be unstoppable. Yeah. And I think in life in general, you want that thing where you have a healthy amount of concern. Like, I'm gonna get my automobile and I'm gonna take three seconds and put my seatbelt on.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm not gonna white knuckle it. Driving, looking over my shoulder.

[Donnie]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Thinking I'm gonna get in an accident every 10. 10.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's sort of enough concern to put the belt on.

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

But then once the belt clicks into place, I'm gonna forget about it.

[Donnie]

The other dangerous thing is that because I was raised with all this protectiveness and kind of neurotic neuroses, I would go the flip side and kind of try to counter that by, like, I took, you know, Freddie Roach Boxing Gym. Right, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Freddie Roach Boxing Gym. Sure. Wild card.

[Donnie]

I worked out there for like a year and a half, Right. Because I wanted some danger.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

And, you know, I got a tooth chipped and I'm just like, well, I shouldn't be here. What am I doing?

[Adam Carolla]

This is crazy. You do find that in a weird way in life, most the things are a reaction to something that happened the polar opposite or the negative of whatever happened growing up. Like, it works the other way too. Like, I grew up in chaos, and so I have this weird sort of organizational stuff and what's that doing here? And that's not in its right place because I grew up in utter chaos. Right, you grew up in a very grounded sort of confined thing. And now you want to go out and, you know, get on a Harley and go cross country with Peter Fonda, right?

[Donnie]

Yes. But, like, at the end of the day when you go home and you put your head on the pillow, I mean, are you out in two seconds? Can you. Do you sleep well at night? I'm fascinated with how people sleep because it kind of defines the kind of person they are.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to be. I wasn't a. I never didn't sleep well because I was a worrier. I didn't sleep well because I was a thinker. Like, my mind would be racing and I would have thoughts about. But it wouldn't be. It wouldn't be. My head hit the pillow and I was thinking about, geez, did I leave the stove on? Or, you know, is it burner on? Or is. Did I. Did I lock my car door? Like, it wasn't that kind of stuff. It was more like, I have an idea. I have a joke. I have an invention. Like, I. You know. Yeah, let's hear about some of your inventions for a pillow that's more comfortable. I would have. I was like, I couldn't shut my mind down.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But it wasn't like, oh, dear God. What. What's going on? Do I have cancer? I feel cancer.

[Donnie]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or what's this cough? What's that mean?

[Donnie]

Tuberculosis?

[Adam Carolla]

Never. I mean, the one thing the Gentiles don't have is that sort of sense of. At least my group, the Poor Gentiles, didn't. Didn't have. It sounds like a band that Russell Crowe would be in, like, the Poor Gentiles. But we didn't have that sense of like. Nobody went like, oh, are you okay? Are you hurt? Or. You should go to the doctor. No one ever said, you should go to the doctor. Ever.

[Donnie]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, never. Never came up. Wow. No, not to me. And I never said it to anyone else either.

[Donnie]

But if you got hurt. We played football. You probably had injuries all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's always just like, ah, come on. Don't be a puss.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're being a pussy.

[Donnie]

That was your Blue Cross.

[Adam Carolla]

Even Donnie, who's a Jew, Although barely just.

[Donnie]

He had a Danish, by the way. I don't want to rat.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. He loves. He loves it. He loves it.

[Donnie]

Dan, we're not supposed to have it this week. It's Passover.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Ralph. He doesn't. Well, he doesn't go for that. But the point is, I. I've told the story many times. I blew out My knee playing football. And when I got home, Donnie said, it's time to move a booth up a set of stairs. And I said, my knees blown out. And he said, tough shit, we're moving tonight. Because. Because the. The booth, big diner booth, was in an alley behind the cafe. And Donnie wanted to get it that night before it got taken by somebody, right? And then move it up the stairs of our apartment and into our kitchen. And I told him my knee was blown out. And he said, don't be a puss. Come on.

[Donnie]

And you did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and I did it. Oh. And I did it. And I had knee surgery. I had surgery on that knee a couple months later, but I moved the booth. The point is this. I blew out a knee on a Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, right? I spent Sunday evening not with it elevated in ice on it or even seeing a doctor. I spent that night moving furniture upstairs. The following day, it had blown up. Eventually, I saw a doctor because of what it looked like, right? And I tore an acl and I needed to have surgery on it, But I spent the day before, between the time I got the injury and the time I got. The doc went to the doctor. I spent that time moving furniture, Right?

[Donnie]

But he called you a puss, and you were like, okay, I'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

And Donnie wasn't even. Not even one of the bad ones. Donnie was just like, come on, we need to get this booth. Like, Ray would have tried to punch me, but Donnie was like. He may have been sympathetic. I don't think he was very sympathetic. He was like, come on, we're getting this booth. And I said, I think I blew my neon. He said, well, you know, yeah, Jew.

[Donnie]

Would have sat that one out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, Donnie didn't jump in and tell me if I'm making up any part of this.

[Donnie]

Where was the piece of furniture, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

In an alley story. This furniture was in an alley.

[Donnie]

Is he coming in to defend himself?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so. I'm not being unfair to Donna in this depiction. No, he. He's. He's 100% accurate. But what he left out was we tried to get this booth upstairs, and we couldn't get it through the front door. We had to take the door off. We took the door. No, we took the door off and still couldn't get the booth to the front door. Yeah, I pulled the pins out the front door, Pulled it off the hinges. We took this booth back. It was so big. Like, three times. It was so big. The stairs were outside the Apartment. And it was landing. We couldn't get it in the front door. And to be fair to Donnie, at a certain point in the evening. Mm. I said, my knee can't take any more furniture moving. This is ridiculous. My knee is fucked up. I'm not doing this anymore. But we took it up and down, like, three times, and not. We went and took my truck to the back of Ventura Boulevard and got it out of the alley. So eventually, Donnie took the thing down to the jack in the box and took it apart with a hammer. Hammer started beating on it in the parking lot in an Allen part in three different pieces. So Adam was, like, upstairs. He was in so much pain, he just went to bed. I didn't put ice on it. My knee, though.

[Donnie]

Didn't your mother come around and tell him to ice it? I mean, wasn't there some Jew gentile mixing going on at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

She wasn't too sure about Adam and Chris in general. She's like, listen, I don't know if she'd be hanging out with those guys. She thought we were the reason he smoked pot. That's how out of it she was. Well, I blame them. I said, it's my friend's pot. She just. The first friend she saw, she. Hey, you. You should stop bringing that weed over here.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's. Now this is just our apartment. So his mom was not. Okay. Was not on the scene. That was Right. I don't know if she would have said anything. Well, this was early Stu, because my mom still maybe had hopes that maybe I go to college or maybe I would do something like the other Jewish kids. Right. Not to be.

[Donnie]

You didn't miss anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Not to be.

[Donnie]

Miss a damn thing so that we.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T take care of ourselves.

[Donnie]

And that's why we're better.

[Adam Carolla]

But the good news is, is Chris's dad got his bypass surgery in the joint, so he got it for free.

[Donnie]

Come on. That's something a Jew would do. Actually, rob a bank before you need the surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys found some common ground there. Yeah.

[Donnie]

That's amazing, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

It cost us 50 grand to get his ticker back on track now. But let's focus on you. This is way, way too much.

[Donnie]

Focus on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Way too much of me. Where did you go to, Kyle?

[Donnie]

I went to Northwestern.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I hear that's a good school.

[Donnie]

Good school. Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What are they good at?

[Donnie]

You know, I was a film major. Wasn't really anything. Ultimately, I needed to go to college for, to be honest. I mean, I could have just Moved out here and gotten a job and learned just as much.

[Adam Carolla]

In terms of utopia becoming a film. How close are we? How.

[Donnie]

Well, we were closer before. Before the world kind of collapsed. A lot of people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. You know, a lot of money dried up.

[Donnie]

Yeah. It's hard enough to get that money when you're. When things are going well. But, yes, it's building back up. A lot of really good actors attached. And Larry Miller actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Donnie]

Had read it a few years before and said he was a tat. Whatever that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know, Larry's great in features.

[Donnie]

The best.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Love that guy.

[Donnie]

He had the biggest, funniest laugh in Valentine's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. Yeah, me and that. I know. He's just good. And he's such a great guy, too. I don't know how well, you know.

[Donnie]

I've never met him.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the nicest goddamn guy on the planet. Yeah, he just. He just is so nice. Yeah.

[Donnie]

He's a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

Did he bring Danish?

[Adam Carolla]

I was about to say the same thing. Jewish. Yeah. Yeah.

[Donnie]

But did he. Who's brought baked goods in the morning besides me?

[Adam Carolla]

I think one other guest in the year we've been doing this.

[Donnie]

Who?

[Adam Carolla]

That? Steve Harvey. Yeah. I had to be another Jew. I know. Someone's brought. I was going to throw you a curve, Steve. And then I'd go, what's wrong with that? Why is that funny? That's how naive black guy. Can't bring. Can't bring a bagel. They don't eat breakfast. I like when people start doing that kind of stuff. So you're saying they don't eat. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They need no sustenance. Black people. Exactly. I was like, so you're saying they're dumber than one part. I just love someone to go. That's why. Yeah, of course.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They're imbeciles. They're imbeciles. I love it. So I love to know the batting average when somebody says it's somebody else. So. So what you're saying is. Is it ever going to be. That is ever going to be answered with. Exactly. So what you're saying is that all Jews deserve to be burned in oven. Is that you're saying?

[Donnie]

That's exactly what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Just want some clarity.

[Donnie]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. I love it. So what you're saying is just for all the. To do the. So what you're saying is indignantly say. So what you're saying. No, it's always going to be wrong.

[Donnie]

And is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. That's what I'm saying.

[Donnie]

That's what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

So what you're saying, okay, you're saying black zones deserve to eat, Is that what you don't.

[Donnie]

But that's not what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, if that's what you're saying. I like that person. It.

[Dana Gould]

All right, that's Adam K Show 291. Coming next we have Adam K Show 1754. We got Jay Moore, David Wild, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop from February of 2016. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina grad.

[Teresa Strasser]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Brian, heavyset guy, racist guy, sits in his chair.

[Dana Gould]

You're not quite heavy set yet. Give it a few more years, but you're halfway there.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Speaking of descriptions, Brian, you'll enjoy this. You know how I feel? Like there should be class action lawsuit against the show. Real sex. Sure. And I'm also convinced it's a little too real. I'm convinced it was. It's gotta be a gaggle of gay dudes or lesbians or I don't know whom behind this thing. But it ain't a straight titty lovin dude. Because there's. I've tuned it. I've been fooled. It has the word sex and it's on cable.

[Dana Gould]

Original title is like Real Weird Sex or Real Exotic.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, that makes more sense.

[Adam Carolla]

And it can. And it started confusing sex. It started in like the mid-90s when if you were just scanning through and it's something said sex, you just stop and pop it on. Yeah. And it's always mistress so and so and she's covered in vulcanized rubber. And if you don't mind a heavyset woman with a German accent who's swinging by her nipples off of fish hooks, then this is for you. And it's like, this isn't for me. I just. The description Brian, I'm now. I've been burned so many times.

[Dana Gould]

Don't even bother.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even check in the okay button. I don't even check into real sex as I'm passing by it.

[Dana Gould]

Cause you'll see things you can't unsee.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, you'll be haunted. I was just going by real sex. It was like Showtime, they're doing a rerun. It's like 1995. Here was the description. Virile Chinese senior citizens. And I was like, oh God, am I out? I'm so fucking out. Hey, you ever seen an 83 year old naked, but doesn't look a day over 71. You got four words in virile Chinese senior citizens. And I just thought, why? Who's. And there cannot be a straight dude behind the show. No guy, no straight dude has ever sat down to do this.

[Dana Gould]

That's impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

There's some sort of evil lesbian who's punishing us.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah. This was for all you young listeners out there. This is the days before the Internet. This was mid-90s. There was no online porn. And what was to come would be like still images. Like it was a long time before you could download a movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Well.

[Brian Bishop]

And I feel like it just got us there.

[Dana Gould]

This is the place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And every single episode had at least a five minute segment of a really unattractive middle aged couple at an orgy clinic in the woods.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And. Or they would then swing to this man on the street thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

New York. And they pick like a couple and they'd be like, Benoit, balls, what's that mean to you? And the girls start giggling and they're like, I need something. I can fucking dance. And when I say dance, right, Jack off to I need something. There's nothing here. How dare you name this show Real Sex?

[Dana Gould]

You ever think there was the day around the Real Sex offices where finally the two production like heads were like, you don't like a latex? Latex isn't sexy to you, is it? No, it's not sexy to me either.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought that was your thing.

[Dana Gould]

No, I thought you were into latex.

[Adam Carolla]

You're into all the weird dripping the chocolate and the candle wax and all that, right?

[Dana Gould]

You're Jack the candle wax guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone knows that about you. I'm Jack the D cup guy with the tan lines on the 19 year olds and like havasu guy.

[Dana Gould]

You're not Jack Dip the old guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta turn my business card around to get to the rest of it. But that's who this Jack is.

[Dana Gould]

We. We've made latex a part of every episode.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's embarrassing. I don't want to bring it up, but it's, it's, it's. I'm drowning in latex.

[Dana Gould]

Committed on latex now.

[Adam Carolla]

I. What is. And by the way, they never had.

[Dana Gould]

That kind of conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage. Who is into that? That's what I'm saying. I mean, isn't it just a trope from a 90s movie that they. That they're. You're into that shit? Yes, but no one is really, Truly. No.

[Dana Gould]

Not sexy.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Dana Gould]

Don't know how it made it into every episode. Okay, every episode had something to do with being covered in paint or latex.

[Adam Carolla]

Or splotching or bubble.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or some sitting in food.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

Covered in something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they'd always do something and there'd be one of these things where it started off and then it went south. Like, we now visit a strip club, but not like one you've ever seen. Like, okay, this one's for. This is for ladies who are elderly with cats. Like, how about we just do a run of the mill strip club and I can get a boner here now. Jesus goddamn Christ. Elderly Chinese people.

[Dana Gould]

Senior said it's viral. Virile.

[Adam Carolla]

Virile. God damn. All right, we got to figure out who's behind this. Max, A pat. I need to know.

[Dana Gould]

That's Adam Krilla Show 1754. Coming up next, we have Adam Kurilla Show 402 with Ileana Douglas, Theresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. This one's from September of 2010. This clip starts as Ileana joins them in studio. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Ileana, good to see you.

[Lynette Carolla]

It's good to see you. I like your crib here. When are we gonna place Pin the bottle?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, that's a good plan.

[Lynette Carolla]

We met before. Do you remember? You know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we did. We met at a. Outdoors. No, indoors.

[Lynette Carolla]

Politically incorrect.

[Adam Carolla]

Indoors or outdoors? Oh, see, that was indoors. Yeah, Politically incorrect. I saw you on tv not doing one of your very famous movies, but house shopping. There was a show that was like. It was like, it was like three or four years ago.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they would just. It was like, you know, realtors to the stars and they would show and there was a really cool house in like Hancock park or something like that. And first off, I was. I'm always. I don't know how stuff works because they go like, hey, we got the drummer from third eye blind and he's looking at an 8 million dollar house that's up on Mulholland. And I'm trying to go, he's the drummer from third eye blind. How come he's looking at 8 million dollar house of Mulhen? But. But I saw Eliana on there and Ileana brought her feng shui chick in there and I wanted to kick that woman after about 20 minutes with her. But I was thinking, is this Ileana's feng shui chick or did they just introduce her to the feng shui chick? How does it work?

[Lynette Carolla]

I hate to tell the world it's all fake. It was fake. I knew the producer. And Tom Arnold is a good friend. He's like, you gotta do this thing. It's great money. You just have to pretend you're buying a house.

[Gina Grad]

I was like, you weren't even in the market for a house.

[Lynette Carolla]

No, I had a house.

[Gina Grad]

And that wasn't your feng shui lady?

[Lynette Carolla]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a feng shui lady?

[Lynette Carolla]

I don't. I used her afterwards, though. The funny thing is, I met her, and then she did come to my house and did feng shui. But the poor guy, it's all a setup, you know? And then I was there, this guy was so excited to meet me. And then, little did he know. Then the feng shui lady started telling what a crappy house.

[Adam Carolla]

She was. Like, the door's facing the wrong direction. It's a great way to get the price down. As a matter of fact. Ooh, I just came up with a great plan. I should have my own, like, feng shui dude. But, like, preloaded, you know, with my agenda.

[Gina Grad]

Right?

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just shows up at the house and burns a little sage. And then he says to my wife, are you cooking enough lasagna? And she goes, I don't. We use Stouffer. No, no. It's gotta be. Oh, no, Right.

[Gina Grad]

If you want prosperity.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You're gonna need to cook the blowjob.

[Adam Carolla]

Corridor's feeling kind of. Oh, my God.

[Gina Grad]

Put a plant there.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, she was good. Carol Meltzer did, in fact, later then come to my house after being.

[Gina Grad]

You got a feng shui ju. That's from the name. I'm just Meltzer.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Lynette Carolla]

I'm not up on my Jew names.

[Gina Grad]

Highly high likelihood you didn't bone up.

[Adam Carolla]

On your Jew names before you came over there.

[Lynette Carolla]

I'm Italian. I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks is Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, wait a minute. I'm one of those Italians everyone thinks.

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, your Corolla. My. My. My mom's name is Scivetta, so that's my real. Where are your people from? Where do they hail from?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess Sicily. But really my part that screws. See, you have the Ileana.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is good. That's Italian. The Douglas that screws up. I have the Adam, which is no good, but I have the Corolla, which is good. So if we did an Ileana Carolla.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. No way. If you said, hey, my name's Ileana Carolla, you could. Ileana Carolla. No one would ever go, whoa, what are you, Jew? They know that's fucking Italian. That's like off the boat, Italian. So my first name fucked me up. And your last name fucked me up.

[Lynette Carolla]

Definitely the Douglas. I should have gone with a Skevada or Lombardi.

[Gina Grad]

Where are your people from?

[Lynette Carolla]

My people, they're from Astoria, Queens, and Acetura in Verona and different parts of Italy.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you married?

[Lynette Carolla]

I am not married, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Because, you know, you need to marry Joey Buttafuoco. Buttafulka. Nobody would ever question you again.

[Lynette Carolla]

That is a good reality.

[Gina Grad]

Have your car repaired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the guy's good. He's good. Fender.

[Lynette Carolla]

I like that. I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a soft touch. From what I can tell.

[Brian Bishop]

He seems like a kid.

[Lynette Carolla]

I like that.

[Gina Grad]

Likes kids.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of kids.

[Lynette Carolla]

And you get your own. You get your own stalker with him, too. Maybe two. Yeah, he's got a. Oh, he looks different.

[Adam Carolla]

He's kind of turning into Marlon Brando. Yeah, actually, it's kind of a race between him and Steven Seagal to see which one turns into Marlon Brando first.

[Gina Grad]

Speaking of, did you guys see Machete, by any chance?

[Lynette Carolla]

Steven Seville.

[Gina Grad]

It is so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Robert Rodriguez is a genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Who talked you into Machete?

[Gina Grad]

I know. I was dreading it. This is the last movie I would ever see because it's kind of violent and cartoon. It's not my thing. And I thought, De Niro's gotta be firing his agent because what's he doing in this movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Ileana's work.

[Gina Grad]

And now I'm thinking, people must be fighting to work with Robert Rodriguez. He's a complete genius. Yes, he's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Ileana, flip your headphones around so that your cord's not dragging your. You just got like.

[Lynette Carolla]

Here.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, it's functional.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is every time. So. Yeah. Sorry. So, good movie.

[Gina Grad]

Good movie. And of course, Jessica Alba's in it because you've pointed out that she has to be in. There's some rule where she has to be in, like, 80% of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

There is a rule.

[Dana Gould]

Well, quota's getting low.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of. It's sort of like if you live in Canada and you own a radio station, you have to play, like, 80% of, you know, Guess who and Brian Adams and all that kind of shit. Like, you have to play, like, 80% Canadian bands or something. Like that home drone thing. I think the same thing with movies. That's Jessica Alva. Has she lost too much weight? Is she looked too slim?

[Lynette Carolla]

She looks sort of like Brittany Murphy there.

[Gina Grad]

She looked amazing in the movie. You know who looked?

[Adam Carolla]

Is she naked?

[Gina Grad]

She Almost everyone's naked. Michelle Rodriguez looks. Her body is phenomenal.

[Adam Carolla]

She scares.

[Lynette Carolla]

What about De Niro? Is he naked?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is he naked?

[Gina Grad]

De Niro. It's hilarious. Basically, he plays kind of like Sheriff Arpaio. You know that guy?

[Lynette Carolla]

Why is he in the movie? Is he.

[Gina Grad]

He's brilliant. He plays like this tough on immigration senator. It's truly.

[Adam Carolla]

Now this thing's driving me insane.

[Lynette Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Not your fault, baby. I'll just put it right over your shoulder.

[Dana Gould]

I don't know if you guys remember this, but speaking of Dairo. Iliana had one of the all time great love scenes. Robert De Niro and Cape Fear, one.

[Lynette Carolla]

Of the alltime foreplay.

[Dana Gould]

What did he do to you? Refresh the audience's memory.

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, he beat the crap out of me, but I hate to say in between takes, he was a big Three Stooges fan. So he used to do like Three Stooges, really? Things. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So part of her cheek.

[Dana Gould]

Off.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. He like brought you back to the room and.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. Well, yeah, we met at the. I met him at the bar. He picked me up at the bar. And after Nick Nolte had broken up with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Lynette Carolla]

And. Yeah, that's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We're looking at a picture in the hotel room. Two days. Two days to shoot that unbelievable movie.

[Gina Grad]

That was your first film?

[Lynette Carolla]

My first big movie. I was in Goodfellas. Some other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that goddamn Goodfellas. But God damn, do I love that Goodfellas.

[Lynette Carolla]

But it was hard. Yeah, it hurt. And he did. He kept putting the handcuffs on me and I was all bruised and cut up and I never complained because I was so excited. And he said that I was. He goes, you're a real trooper. He goes, not like Charles Grodin. He's a real pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

He fucked Charles Grow.

[Lynette Carolla]

He was talking about Midnight Running.

[Dana Gould]

Midnight Run.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought he just plastic. I thought he meant socially. I don't know. Yeah. No. That is so intense. Now it's two days of filming.

[Lynette Carolla]

16 hours. The first day, 16 hours. It was like he actually hopped off the bed and said to Marty, I think she's done.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow.

[Gina Grad]

He called uncle for you.

[Lynette Carolla]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

And what. What are you able to wear without.

[Lynette Carolla]

Nothing. I'm wearing a bra. I'm wearing my underwear. I'm in my. My underwear there. As fans come up to me and ask me to sign pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

And was it insane that. I mean, here you are. This is your first big film. Obviously you're well aware of Bobby De Niro and Not only that, but Scorsese. I mean, you must have been a fan of Raging Bull. Other efforts. So now all of a sudden you're with the guy, except for you really wish he'd just fucking leave you alone at some point. Like, it's just weird. Be careful what you ask for. Like, did you ever think on, like, day number two, hour 14, where you'd be like, I wish this fucker was never born.

[Lynette Carolla]

When I.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, because when I was in school, I mean, I used to always get the comedy parts. I did not think I was going to be doing drama things. In fact, I went to school with this guy, Elias Cataos, who sort of looks like De Niro. He used to run into me and say, how come you ended up with my life, you know, like, doing all these. These dramas? So. But, you know, I was in it, and they just made it really real. And we had sort of an idea of what it was going to be like beforehand, but it was intense. At a certain point, it was like just film torture.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's weird. I mean, I. I made one movie, so that's. I don't have much to speak about. But I always tell people in a movie, like, I go, look, if you're playing a Vietnam soldier and you're in a swamp and, you know, there's explosions going off and stuff, you're not actually in Vietnam and you're not actually in. Your life is not in danger, but you're still standing in a swamp for 14 hours. Like, whatever you're watching, it's not computer generated. You're standing there. If Sly Stallone is hanging upside down and getting whipped, he's hanging upside down getting whipped. I mean, it takes something out of you. And whatever they're doing, whatever Bobby De Niro is doing to you, he's at least three quarters of the way doing it, Right?

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, it's about as real as, you know, you just go into a zone. I mean, you know, it's very long stories, but I could just, you know, I'd get there in the morning and just prepare. And then the whole thing with the biting and how long that took. But, you know, it was very physically at the flip me on my stomach and put the handcuffs on me, and I'd have to just scream and cry, and then, you know, Marty would want a certain level of screaming again. It was intense.

[Adam Carolla]

And obviously you were in no position to go, come on, Marty, we got it. Let's move on.

[Lynette Carolla]

When you're a young actor, you're like, break my Arm right off, if it's good. You know what I mean? I was so.

[Gina Grad]

It looks more real. Bite my cheeks.

[Lynette Carolla]

Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So how. How old were you? And then I guess Goodfellas was before. No.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, Goodfellas was before I did New York stories and Goodfellas. And then I was. I had the tiny little part in a movie called Guilty by Suspicion, and I was working with De Niro on that, and then the Cape Fear came up.

[Adam Carolla]

So Scorsese basically just goes, I like this group of actors, and I'm comfortable with them, and I want to work with them.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I. Well, I met him. I was on last. I got a job dubbing Screams for Last Temptation of Christ. That was like my crazy how I met him.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah. I dubbed Screams for Barbara Hershey when she got the rocks thrown at her. And so I did. That's how we met. And during the process of meeting, they were casting New York stories, and so I auditioned for New York Stories, and then I got in New York Stories. And then. Then after that, they were doing. Which was then called Wise Guys and Goodfellas. I auditioned for that, so I sort of got in that way. So I was always near De Niro. I would be like, in Goodfellas. I got to talk before there was, like, a gigantic tracking shot where, like, Sam Jackson is in it and Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro. And I got to talk, and then he would talk afterwards. So it was like. That seemed really exciting. And then Guilty by Suspicion, I actually got to do scenes with him. And then from that, then they recommended me for Cape Fear.

[Adam Carolla]

The. I'll tell you, Goodfellas and Casino, which is running quite a bit on cable these days, which, again, Casino is a great movie. It's just Goodfellas is one of the greatest movies of all time. Whereas, like, Goodfellas to me is probably top five movies ever made and casinos top 100 or maybe even top 50. And it's sad that Casino is such a great movie and kind of overlooked because nothing can be good, fellas.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, everything is good, fellas. And just all the people that are in it too. It. For me, it's like a home movie. Michael Imperioli and Oh, yeah, can shine Box.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My God.

[Gina Grad]

By the way, she's going. She's going. She was in one of your favorite movies, and she's going to be on one of your favorite television shows playing Ari's wife's sister on Entourage.

[Lynette Carolla]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Lynette Carolla]

Mrs. Ari's sister.

[Adam Carolla]

When can we look forward to that.

[Lynette Carolla]

This Sunday, gonna be mixing it up with the great Jeremy Piven. Perry. Yeah, it's gonna be great. I'm very excited about it. It was a really fun episode to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, how does that work? Do they just say they want Ileana Douglas to play this, or do they have to come in and read for it or how that process work?

[Lynette Carolla]

This was something that was kind of in the works. Doug, Ellen. There was a talk about me doing a part, maybe playing Jeremy Piven's sister, and then that didn't work out. And then he just called me and he said, I've got the part for you to play Mrs. Ari's sister. And that way it could be something that could continue next year. And I just had an amazing time. They were so great on the show. It's a really cool part. It's sort of. He's. He's met his match a little bit with me, so we mix it up quite a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

And he was just awesome to play with, and Doug was amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that goddamn show.

[Lynette Carolla]

I know. It's the greatest. It was a thrill.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because it sort of. It has its weird because it got out of the gate a little slow this year, and then it's just picked up. The last four or five episodes have been real strong, but people do that thing where they go like, oh, it's Lost. It's whatever. Last year wasn't as good as the year before that. And I'm always like, I don't care. It's Entourage. I've always, always enjoyed it. I just love that little. Love that little world.

[Lynette Carolla]

It's so iconic. Well, that's always the challenge when you come on a show like that. Not to be like, oh, my God, I'm on Entourage. You know, it's. You gotta sort of stay in the moment.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. But I mean, De Niro bit your cheek off. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

You always have.

[Lynette Carolla]

That's true. That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The thing is, once you get raped by De Niro, you know, everything, it's all just a cakewalk after that.

[Lynette Carolla]

That's so funny, because when I'm doing movies, I do a lot of low budget independent films, and sometimes they're so low rent, you're always thinking, one day you're working with De Niro, and the next day you're changing in flags or they're putting flags up around you.

[Gina Grad]

Right. And it's Subway Sandwich for craft services.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. Or Panda Express. Right, Something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Panda Express. Well, we should say that Ileana has herself a little web series.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. Love to get you on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to do it. It's called Easy to Assemble and tell me how it works, because I like this idea of assembling things.

[Lynette Carolla]

Easy to Assemble. We've been doing it for three years. We're actually in the middle of shooting. We shot the first half and then we're going to go back and shoot again in the beginning of October. And it shows on. You can watch it on mydamnchannel easytoassembleseries.com it's about me. I give up show business to go work at an ikea. But unfortunately, my showbiz passed. I cannot escape it when my friend Justine Bateman comes and starts working and upstages me. She starts doing a talk show there called 40 and Bitter, which becomes a huge hit. And then I sort of start competing with her for co worker of the year. And then where we've left off is I've won co worker of the Year. I invented the meatball delivery system and the whole season.

[Adam Carolla]

A Swedish meatball.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. So this year everything takes place in Sweden and we've got an amazing cast. Craig Bierko is in it. Ed Begley.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that Eden.

[Lynette Carolla]

He's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, if I'm on the show, who will I be raping? You or Justine?

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, since I'm the writer, producer, I'm gonna. I'm gonna say it'll be me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Lynette Carolla]

We had. You could have played a Swedish God named Nakin.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, my name is Nakin. I have the Swedish meatball.

[Lynette Carolla]

Actually, we do need a comedian for the opening act of 40 and bitter in Sweden. Because I have a line. I go, what poor schmuck gets booked to open for Justine Bateman?

[Adam Carolla]

Cut to, our meatballs are smaller than. Well, you're not Italian, you're a Jew. But if you weren't a Jew and you were really Italian, then you would know that you have a fuller size of meatball. I think I could cover that. That'd be awesome.

[Lynette Carolla]

You got it. You got the part.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the reality is, I think from a lot of comedians I talk to who go abroad and play everywhere, that if you're in Sweden and you had a stand up, he'd probably be from New Jersey. Yeah, well, it wouldn't make sense story wise, but you probably end up getting stuck with some guy who you knew from out here.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, I, you know. Well, it could be if. It might be Kevin Pollock, but if you play your cards right, you could be there too.

[Adam Carolla]

I shall. Now, how does it work?

[Lynette Carolla]

We're shooting right there in an ikea. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So does ikea.

[Gina Grad]

Ricky Lake.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Does IKEA underwrite this? Yes. And then if they do underwrite it, how much, say, do they have as far as content goes? And are they. I mean, I assume they're not. Wouldn't be nearly as uptight as, like, Coca Cola. No, they're one of our crappy American companies. Companies.

[Lynette Carolla]

They're unbelievable. I mean, the opening of this, of season two is me and Tom Arnold is trying to convince me to have a. To revive my career by shooting a sex tape with him. And then we send it to this TMZ type place. Spazzy Sheridan. But they have no interest in it. But they tell him to send it to National Geographic. But so we're shooting this sex tape stereotarison in his living room and then it pans out to reveal that we've actually shot it in the middle of ikea. And so I explained, you know, when I pitch this to them, they luckily my. I've got the greatest boss. And he just laughs and he goes, huh? Keep it family friendly, though. Family friendly.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's sweet when everyone's walking around naked with a glass of wine in their hand at 14. Then that is family friendly.

[Gina Grad]

It's a great marketing idea for Ikea because the series looks funny.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. We got amazing people. Tim Meadows is in it in this part of the storyline. Tim Meadows. We're all in Sweden now. So Tim Meadows gets tapped by Swedish director Stig Martenson to star in a Swedish buddy movie called 48 Hours of Daylight.

[Adam Carolla]

Stig's name should have been Marty Martenson. Be a nice callback.

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, I did the. Oh, you. You're the first person who got that. Martensen. Stig Martenson. There's always a little. He's. He'll be the Marty. The Marty of Sweden and.

[Adam Carolla]

You allergic to a good conversation, Bob? Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

I'm dying over here, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. I. I love this. And Tom Arnold, great guy. Tom Arnold is one of these guys who you. You sort of. It's funny because you think he's not gonna be as good as he is, but he's really good. And you almost kind of hope he's not gonna be as good as he is, but he's good and he's a really nice guy.

[Lynette Carolla]

And it's like, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he's turned this town around. I feel there's a lot of Tom Arnold haters. Five, eight years ago in this town. And now everyone is like, I love that guy.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he did a Jay Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he pulled a Jay Moore. Everyone thought he was an A hole five years ago. Now.

[Lynette Carolla]

I've done so many movies with him.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Yeah, with Tommy.

[Lynette Carolla]

Oh, my God. He's, you know, so I can't escape him. We've so many times we've been in, like, low budget movies and. Jesus, which one was that? That was Rocket with Jimmy Fallon. I think that's at Sundance, but in the show. So we wrote into the show that he's my. You know, that we have a pretend relationship because he's always between marriages or girlfriends. And so he would ask me to go to public events with him to be his pretend girlfriend. In fact, one time I walked. He was with the girl that he was so embarrassed by that he made me walk the press line. And then at the end of the line, he met the girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

How'd that go over with her?

[Lynette Carolla]

We think it was fun. I don't know. I thought it was funny. I write it into the show.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess you thought it was funny. You weren't the one who was going around the back of the building to meet him on the other side of the red carpet.

[Lynette Carolla]

Look at us.

[Gina Grad]

That's so cute.

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Lynette Carolla]

This is our pretend relationship. It's very successful.

[Gina Grad]

The woman who plays the caustic publicist of Vince on Entourage. I feel like you and she have to have intersected in Debbie. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Debbie Mason. Of course.

[Lynette Carolla]

Again from Goodfellas. The one.

[Gina Grad]

Right, that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you both have amazing eyes.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Piercing eyes. Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

So there's.

[Gina Grad]

But you and Tom Arnold never have. You've never been interested in having an actual relationship with him.

[Lynette Carolla]

No. Except on the show because we decided that a real relationship would destroy us.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, speaking of relationships. Not married.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. No, no, not married.

[Adam Carolla]

Unmarried. Were you divorced?

[Lynette Carolla]

Jesus. That's a good question. I was briefly married, yes. Many, many years ago. I don't refer to that exorcism.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't care to be married again?

[Lynette Carolla]

Probably not. Probably not. The one was enough. It was. Yeah, that was enough.

[Adam Carolla]

It was pretty much, we're not all bad.

[Lynette Carolla]

No, it was the. The wrong person, clearly, to. To be married. My movie marriages have gone very well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, we saw the De Niro clip. Although you guys were just dating at the time.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

Actually, you know what's strange is I always thought it'd be I've been paired up with a lot of comedians, like you said, Jay Moore. I've been Garry Shandling's girlfriend. Jane Moore's girlfriend. Drew Carey girlfriend. Like a series of Kelsey Grammer's girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, you know what it is? I think you're very attractive, but not blonde headed and blonde haired, I should say. And in a sort of traditional Barbie kind of way. So you can kind of do that thing where you go, I could see him getting her.

[Gina Grad]

Drew Carey could get.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, See, it's like when Pam Anderson shows up, it's too traditional. So you go like, no way. That slob's not fucking her. Come on. He works at a department store in Cleveland. But Ileana is beautiful. But you do the. She's exotic enough looking.

[Gina Grad]

It's the Leah Remini niche where you go, I guess Kevin James could get her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He drives a UPS truck.

[Lynette Carolla]

It's funny. I auditioned to be your wife on your TV show. What happened to that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, joke's on me. Nothing happened.

[Gina Grad]

Next thing you know, you're on an IKEA show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Can I get a gig as that Swedish comedian? Listen, I don't make the decisions over there on NBC or CBS or wherever the hell we were. When you were talking, you were everywhere. My wife. Oh, yeah, it must have been CBS or something like that.

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, you know what they always do is they always say to you, no, this is coming directly from Adam. He loves. And then you come in and you're not there. No, there. And there's a video.

[Adam Carolla]

Spiritually at least. I mean. Well, they do a lot of weird stuff. Like, I didn't know how the game was played. Like where, like, they'll do a chemistry test with you, but they won't read for you or they'll do. You can talk to them, but it's not an official conversation. Or you can have lunch, but you can't talk about the script. Like, it's just weird. It's such a weird thing. And it was the most uncomfortable thing in the world to me. The casting process. I couldn't believe it. First off, it's. I have. I've said it once, said it a million times. I don't have low self esteem. I have no self esteem. And it's like I don't exist. I come from this family that didn't acknowledge anyone else was in the family. So when I'm sitting there and I'm seeing like Patricia Arquette reading to be my wife, I want to stand up and go, no, no, no. What are you doing here? Are you kidding? I should be fixing your house.

[Gina Grad]

How come I'm not fixing your house or any shelves.

[Adam Carolla]

I should be on your roof right now, right?

[Gina Grad]

Do you need your oil change?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing here? Yeah, it's this weird thing. I think it was Roseanne Arquette actually, who had a. She had a breakdown. Like, I, I was there when Roseanne Arquette left show business.

[Gina Grad]

That was the moment. And you witnessed it.

[Adam Carolla]

I was there. And I wouldn't. It wasn't the kind of thing where I, like, it wouldn't be murder one, but it would definitely be manslaughter, you know, involuntary manslaughter. But I ran her over.

[Gina Grad]

I backed over in your acting car.

[Adam Carolla]

I only had some Robitussin. I wasn't drunk.

[Lynette Carolla]

Shattered mirrors.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she literally, literally started reading. You know, you'd sit at the big fucking oak table, sit there with the producers and everything. And she just. Oh, yeah, Toto, Rosanna, thank you. Go ahead and play it. I like that song. Yeah, I got it just off this. And she, she started reading and she went like, you know, can I stop? And. And it's just weird. There's a bunch of weird stuff. As you know, they. Every casting director or person is like a heavyset Jewish woman. And it's weird when the heavyset Jewish woman is supposed to be playing the brillo headed dude with the nasally tone, you know, and they're playing my wife, except for they're not acting with me. I'm sitting right across the table. They're acting with the heavyset Jewish woman, but they're saying, adam, why can't you ever make love to me and be passionate about it? 4ft away I'm sitting.

[Gina Grad]

But you don't, you don't read with the.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't get to read with me.

[Gina Grad]

Until they move up to the next level.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm just sitting there while they're looking at the heavyset Jewish broad saying, adam, you're not passionate in bed anymore. I feel like you're head somewhere else. And they're just doing this thing and I'm just sitting there and it's so like, Roseanne, Roseanne Arquette came out. She had like, she, when she said, can I start over? And then she like did a. Can I start over? And then at a certain point, she just had a fucking meltdown. She was like, I don't know, why am I doing this? You guys know who I am. You know what I've done? Like, you've seen what I can do. I've done a thousand movies. I've done a thousand things. Why am I this lady?

[Gina Grad]

Adam's right there. This is fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

And then here was the sad part for me. Wait a minute. I wanted to actually just crawl up inside my scrotum like it was a pillowcase and pull it over my head. She kept turning to me and go, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so. And I'm like, don't be sorry. I. Fine, Go nuts. Like, I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to do this.

[Gina Grad]

From Risky Business. Am I getting Pulp Fiction?

[Dana Gould]

Oh, yeah, I think, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. After Hours.

[Lynette Carolla]

After Hours.

[Adam Carolla]

After Hours. Great. In that. A bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows.

[Gina Grad]

Right. That must be frustrating to go just rent After Hours. I know what I'm doing. Either you want me for this job or you don't. Or chemistry test, I think is fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Because you don't know. Even if someone's amazing, that's fair. But why is she reading with a casting director?

[Adam Carolla]

And she's just like, I'm so sorry. I can't do this. I can't. And for women, there's this crazy thing that really, this. What this town does to them is especially when you're an arquette. You were the belle of the ball for many years, but now you're in your later 40s, and you're just not going to be the young ingenue anymore.

[Dana Gould]

You got an awesome song written about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. And so now she's like, what am I doing here? I don't. I shouldn't have to do this. And she's not angry. She's more like ruminating. Yeah. She's, like, humiliating. Humiliating. And plus, I'm just a fucking doofus. Like, what credits do I have? I do radio. You know why? She kissing my ass. And so she's that. But she's looking at me and she's apologizing for her breakdown. And I don't know what to say. You know when someone's apologizing and you can't really talk them down? I know. No, no. Yeah. No, it's okay. It's okay.

[Dana Gould]

Isn't her sister on a really successful TV show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Patricia is on the show, probably.

[Dana Gould]

And her brother is a very successful actress.

[Gina Grad]

I wonder if she was the first one to really be on the map.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and she was the first one. And she's so beautiful. But she's knocking on the door, 50, and she's like, not. Her phone's probably not ringing so much in this town. And she's having to slum it by going and audition for fucking radio schmucks. And so I felt for her, but that was her. It was sort of her exit from television.

[Gina Grad]

And then I think she made a documentary. She interviewed women in show business.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes, I heard. She should be on 40 and Bitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Gina Grad]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

An episode of 40 and Bitter. You have to come in and audition for me.

[Gina Grad]

No. Yeah, but agree whole. You have to do the pre read.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You don't get to go right to the. I mean, have you had any of these humiliating auditions?

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, now I see. I feel like you. Like, I take it all in stride, you know, because I'm like you. I just go in and laugh about it. And I've never really had a melt. I mean, I laugh, you know, I laugh. I mean, Alan Parker, who was my idol growing up, I'd seen Fame a million times.

[Gina Grad]

I love it. Evita.

[Lynette Carolla]

And I went and auditioned for him and I was really thinking. I was like, I'm gonna get this part. I was crying up a storm. I was like, this is going really well. And he just looked at me and he goes, who sent you here to torture me?

[Gina Grad]

No, he didn't.

[Lynette Carolla]

I was like, oh, my God, I'd.

[Gina Grad]

Have to rethink my love of Fame.

[Lynette Carolla]

I know. I was. I stopped. He just got up and he started making phone calls. And he was like. He goes, is Franny in here? Frances McDoran in? He goes, can we send Franny in? And he just. And I was there with like, my Kleenex going, I guess I should. Do I go now or do I.

[Dana Gould]

What was that movie? Do you remember?

[Lynette Carolla]

Here's the one with Lara Flynn Boyle got the part. It was about the Kellogg's Flake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I. Oh, they go to Wellville Road to Wellness. Yeah. Very good call.

[Lynette Carolla]

That is it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what happens to all the actors and actresses who are out auditioning and listening to this? Here's a tip. They'll tell you, like, we're gonna read two scenes. We'll read the kitchen scene and the bedroom scene. And then at some point at the end of the afternoon when everyone gets all burnt out, they've seen 50 people and they don't like any of them. They go, fuck it. Just have them read the kitchen scene. But they'll do a little code. They'll go, if anyone here thinks this person has potential, go. Oh, yeah, just read the bedroom scene too. You know what I mean? So if you're ever an actor or an actress and you think you're gonna read both scenes and you only read one. You only read one. That means they don't want to see the next one. Because they do. A lot of the person will go, oh, I prepared all three scenes. And they'll go, yeah, I know. No, we're not doing that. But they are doing it. They like you.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. My personal favorite was going to audition for something. And I walk in the building and I see Richard Lewis in the parking lot. Oh, Eliana, how's it going? And I walk. He goes, please, after you. And we walk down the hall and oh, you're going in the same. And we turn one hall, hall, get to the thing. We both get our sides and we look at each other and we are reading for the same part.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah. Because they didn't know.

[Gina Grad]

They weren't sure.

[Lynette Carolla]

They weren't sure if they were going to go as a. As a woman or as a man. And it was like we were laughing so hard. And then after I saw him, like later and I said, who got the part? He goes, they went fat. Wayne Newman got the part.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he's a Jew who could pass for an Italian. Newman.

[Lynette Carolla]

Me, Richard Lewis and Wayne Newman all went.

[Gina Grad]

When I first heard.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you?

[Gina Grad]

The first year I moved here, I was auditioning for commercials because that was the only. You know, that was the only. Those are the only auditions I could get. Never got a callback. Was just way, way too ethnic looking and probably bad. But my last one. Thank you. My last one was a suit of.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear ethnic looking and I think bad. That's how racist I am.

[Gina Grad]

Combination of both.

[Dana Gould]

You're going fat.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, they went fat. Then they could have used me, by the way. So then I. So I go, it's a Sudafed commercial. And you don't know what you're going to do until you get there. There's no lines, of course. And so they said, the story here is that this woman has such a terrible cold, she's in bed, that her head is like a boulder. And what you're going to see in the commercial is then, I'm not kidding. Okay? So we're going to need to lie on this mattress like as if it's a bed, because we want to see what it's really going to be like. And they had like an old. Like this is from a porn set with a dirty sheet. And then they had a bag for me to put over my head.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Bobby De Niro is going to rape you from behind.

[Gina Grad]

I wish. Because in the commercial you're not gonna be Able to use your facial expressions. So can you put this bag over your head so we can see what your body language would be like? And I thought, and I just had a moment where I stepped outside myself and I thought, I'm gonna go on this mat. I'm gonna compete with 100 other girls by lying on this mattress with a bag over my head to convey that I have a cold in a 30 second commercial. Like, I don't want to do this ever again anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like Cocoa and fame where it was. Take your top off now, sweetie.

[Gina Grad]

Wait, I wish.

[Dana Gould]

Tell the truth. Not the last time you had a casting director ask you about a bag.

[Adam Carolla]

You're just spinning bad and asked to do it.

[Lynette Carolla]

But doesn't it just become one big anecdote after a while?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess, like you don't even fucking roll anymore.

[Lynette Carolla]

It's like, you know, at a certain point it all becomes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Lynette Carolla]

And I put it all in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

And is there anyone other than the aforementioned Jeremy Piven that hasn't been turned down 250,000 times, for the love of Christ?

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, everybody.

[Gina Grad]

Was there a part you were ever just so close to and you knew you'd be good for and didn't get?

[Lynette Carolla]

Oh, of course. I mean, everybody's had that. I mean, there was and I won't say the movie because the girl did win an Oscar for it. And my mother, who's Italian, always used.

[Adam Carolla]

To be like.

[Lynette Carolla]

Moonstruck.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why can't you say it's no disrespect to her, right?

[Lynette Carolla]

She won an Oscar because I may want to work with the director, the writer director again, because it was, he. It was between me and this girl. And around the 10th time, I was driving to his house in Malibu to do the part. It was like I'd get there at 8 in the morning and leave at 8 o'clock at night. I mean, he would. And then it was almost abusive. My agent at the time was like, you are not going to his house like one more time. But when you're an actor, you know, you're just like, I want to do the part, I want to get the part. You'll jump through any hoop, just do anything to be. Lose all self respect. I'm like driving to this guy's house, he'd be like, I'd get there and he'd go, let's go for a walk, Ileana. And like we'd walk.

[Gina Grad]

And do you think he was liking you? Like liking you?

[Lynette Carolla]

It was so psychotic. After a certain Point, you know, you just, you're like, I have a guess.

[Dana Gould]

If I got it rightly, tell me. Monster's Ball.

[Lynette Carolla]

Monsters Ball. No, it was not Monsters Ball. But we've all had.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the guy must have. Here's how guys work. If they don't like you, like if you were £300, you wouldn't be. When I did Dancing with the Stars, I had Juliana Hough, who's the hot blonde, you know, And I'm like, how much would you practice with Apollo, Ohno and Saldasar, Whatever the F word.

[Gina Grad]

Helio castronetics.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. F1 driver, CART, Formula 1, whatever. And they'd go like. She'd go, oh, at the end, we'd go like 13 hours a day. And I'd go, 13 hours. And she'd go, yeah. And then she paused and she's like the hottest little 19 year old on the planet. Then she paused and she goes. But a lot of the time it's just us sitting around talking. And I thought they wanted to fuck you. And she's like, nah, they were nice, you know, But I was like, believe me.

[Gina Grad]

I went 10 hour walk at his house multiple times. He wanted a piece of that cheek.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Gina Grad]

No question.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah. You never know. You never know. But you're trying to, you know, get in the mood and you don't want.

[Gina Grad]

To be flirty, but also you're trying to be charming.

[Adam Carolla]

That's part of your job. Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. So that's why I say I don't want to, you know, offend him in any way. No, well, he's a heartbreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, if the, if the person that was cast over you wins the Oscar, that's.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, it's so hard.

[Gina Grad]

That was a good role.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good role.

[Dana Gould]

No, but it's like losing to the eventual super bowl champion. It's like, I lost, but they want to win the super bowl, so it's obviously a great.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but that could have been her Oscar.

[Adam Carolla]

So we're thinking Marisa Tomei. That's what we're thinking. Right.

[Lynette Carolla]

That was my first time. Well, I must say I can, I certainly lost a lot of parts to Marissa.

[Adam Carolla]

I can have her taken care of if you like.

[Lynette Carolla]

No, no, she's very talented.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, the wrestler.

[Lynette Carolla]

A part that I did lose to her also. I must have auditioned, you know, again. After the eighth time. You lose consciousness, you know, when they bring you in and you meet this studio person and that studio person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

And. Yeah, but it's all. It'll all be in the book. But look at her. I mean, she's, you know.

[Gina Grad]

So you show up and she's almost always there.

[Lynette Carolla]

No, no, they usually, you know, you.

[Gina Grad]

She doesn't actually have to.

[Lynette Carolla]

In the old days, it used to be me, Debbie, Marissa, Debbie Mason, Lara Flynn. We'd all be sitting in a row.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, guys, exactly t. You want to mop up with the rest of the news?

[Gina Grad]

I'd love to.

[Brian Bishop]

And now the rest of the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Gina Grad]

Speaking of Jessica Alba and how she's in every movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Gina Grad]

Well, of course we have to follow Joel McHale because he used to be on our show every week and he's a friend of the show and it's nice to see his career take off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a card carrying NAMBLA member.

[Gina Grad]

Even despite that fact, he is in talks to star alongside Jessica Alba and Robert Rodriguez's Spy Kids 4. He would play a spy hunting reporter who is married to Jessica Alba's character, Darryl Soberedite.

[Adam Carolla]

He's spoke to him semi recently. He's got the bird watching movie, I think in the can. He's got another one coming out maybe the end of the year. There's one about bird watching. This is called Bird Watchers or something. I heard about it. I didn't know he was in it.

[Dana Gould]

Les McHale, dude. Is this your first time in radio?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Come on. Les McHale.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was a cry of our program director when we did terrestrial radio. Didn't think Joel McHale had it. So he's. He's got a couple movies coming out. Of course, his series Community got picked up for a second season and he's doing like tons of stand up now too. The guy's just going insane.

[Lynette Carolla]

Do you still do stand up?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I am forced to do stand up against my will and better judgment because I don't really have a job. I never did stand up in the past and people just assumed I did stand up. I never liked it. I never. I couldn't enjoy it or something.

[Lynette Carolla]

I did it briefly. I hated it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, me too. Now I do four and a half hours a fucking night. But yeah, we're going on the road. Geez. Tomorrow, I guess, which would be today. We're going to Portland and we're going to Seattle and we're going to. Jesus. The bird movie. Sacramento. Yeah, the bird movie's called the Big Year, by the way. Yeah, don't mind it. No problem with it.

[Gina Grad]

You hated it, Eliana.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah, it was so. Yeah. I mean, being a female comedian, it's just the antithesis of it's just such a tough life and go on at 11 o'clock at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, I couldn't. Like here, here's the, here's the thing. I couldn't imagine doing it at a lower level than I do it without sounding like a prick. I mean, they're gonna fly me to Seattle. We've almost sold out at 1800 seat theater, the Moore Theater. I'll go out there and do one show and then we'll go to Portland or wherever the next day. But if I was just playing some comedy barn and there was 22 people in the audience and I wasn't getting paid the money, I'm getting paid and it was a hassle. And the club owner said, not so fast with that Miller Light, I'd be fucking miserable. I mean, I'm miserable now and I'm staying in nice hotels and playing great theaters and playing great clubs.

[Lynette Carolla]

Theater is great, like, and I work with Paul Tompkins a lot and things like that are fun and that, you know, but like that, you know, you're in the basement, you go up and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, it's, it's, it's the kind of thing where I guess it's sort of the difference between, you know, AAA ball and the show. I mean, yeah, playing baseball would be awesome in Yankee Stadium, but I don't know, playing for the mud hands in front of nine drunken people, then going on a long bus ride with no air conditioning for no pay doesn't sound so hot. I ain't exactly in Yankee Stadium, but it's. I. What I did is I couldn't do. I started off doing stand up like open mics and it was horrible and I couldn't get any traction. I didn't get any money. And then I took 15 years off and just sort of became a C list celebrity and then went back at a much higher level than I was at, which was open mics.

[Lynette Carolla]

You're a good storyteller.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's more along the lines of what you do. It's not like set up punchline. There's generally a story.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Okay, I'll get to this quickly and then I'll wrap up a happy story out of Florida, which is nice. In stark contrast to the aforementioned Quran burning. Okay. You know that Pina Colada song? That's not called that. But you always think it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's called Escape.

[Gina Grad]

Escape.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Okay. Of us to know that, Rupert Holmes. Oh, man, I just wrung a vagina.

[Gina Grad]

I can Loan you a slender tampon if you need one. If it's a light flow day. If it's a heavy flow day.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just spotting. I'm just spotting.

[Gina Grad]

Okay. A woman in Florida is marrying the man who wants fired her from her job. Kelly Irish was terminated from the West Winds Assisted living facility in 2007 by a boss she barely knew. Well, she was crushed, but she had to move on with her life. So one night, nearly a year after getting fired, she goes on to shit can my nerves.

[Adam Carolla]

She wasn't changing bedpans. I rolled up the pitch slip, told her to put it up her ass. So she became a prostitute working the keys.

[Lynette Carolla]

So those are the words. Then the two years later, yeah, you never hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm married. Turn the trick. We got married. If you like Cannon employees, the guy who sung the song is like one of the nerdiest, least attractive guys on the planet, which is, I don't know, somewhat ironic, really.

[Dana Gould]

His name is Rupert and he's nerdy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can't imagine Rupert Holmes.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, she got canned. And then she went on a dating site and took a personality test in the hopes of finding her perfect match. And when she saw the results, it was none other than Casey O'Keefe, the same guy who fired her. They started dating despite their past, and now they're getting married.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's sweet. And when are they gonna burn the Koran?

[Gina Grad]

That'll be at the after party, I guess. Maybe. Yeah, maybe they'll do that on the honeymoon. And she got her job back.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

So it's a beautiful, beautiful ending for Kelly Irish.

[Adam Carolla]

I have my own version of burning the Quran.

[Gina Grad]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, to sort of, you know, Civil disability, Not disability.

[Gina Grad]

Civil disability.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I should be on disability. I was thinking. I was thinking about my kids, and I was thinking about them not being able to bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at school and all that kind of stuff. And I thought, what if we just picked one day where we just bum rushed a system with peanut butter? Meaning, like, you know, they do those national smoke off or smoke out days in the national whatever rideshare day or whatever it is. And like, when you're in school, they do the book drop or they go like at 2:05. Everyone dropped their book at exactly the same time and the clock hits, whatever. What if we did a thing where we could get it underwritten by Peter Pan or Skippy or something, but just every parent in America just said, you know what, December 1st PB&J day Monday, everyone packs a PB&J, and we all fucking take to the school at the same time, like, we all do. And then we start arranging. We do these things, like the X Prize, which is. And. Oh, now. Now I'm getting scary. Now. Here's what it is. Nobody pays a parking ticket. Nobody sends it in. Like, everyone unites. Like, nobody, like. Like, if. If they want you to pay it, they're 500,000 notices. We just totally. Or everyone that gets a moving violation fights it. Everyone just. Everyone just, like, we just do this thing and we just. We take these things that we don't like that we think are sort of. We're heading the wrong direction as a society. Like, a few too many parking tickets and kids being pulled out of the class in leg irons because you brought the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I think we can all agree we're going in the wrong direction and we just fuck the system. We just mash it. We just clog it up. Like, wouldn't it be. Wouldn't it be nice? National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Until the one kid dies of anaphylactic shock and then Skippy doesn't look so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

We lose our sponsor.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be ironic if your kid's name was Skippy and he died of anaphylactic shock from a peanut?

[Gina Grad]

It would be. And not like the Pina Colada song. Ironic.

[Adam Carolla]

That's fun.

[Gina Grad]

Irony.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Dead irony.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, the whole post mortem of that song is, hey, bitch, you're out cruising dudes. And I was out cruising chicks. Like. Like, the whole song is like, Iliana. It's like if you and I were dating.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. That may have happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, we were. We were. We got some pretty long. You want to go down to malibu for about 10 hours with me on a walk?

[Gina Grad]

I might hire you for a role. I might not come back.

[Lynette Carolla]

Oh, no, you're on the show. You'll see. You'll have a great time. We have a lot of fun on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm Stig. What, the comedian?

[Lynette Carolla]

No, Stig. Well, you know, you would. Would be. You could be yourself. What's fun about the show is you can either play yourself like Tim Meadows plays himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I wanted to play Tim Meadows, damn it.

[Lynette Carolla]

Or you could play a character like Sherry O'Terry plays a character.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna play Tim Meadows.

[Lynette Carolla]

You can play Tim. Yeah, that would be. I've always. We want to do that joke. Actually, this week. Playing Tim Meadows is adequate.

[Adam Carolla]

I Think I can handle the role? I appreciate his work and Mean Girl and snl. So. So wait a minute. Was my. Oh, wait. Yes. So here's the song. Here's the Pina Colada song.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We're. We're dating. Like, we're. We're into each other.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're both putting out these personal ads. And, like, you're answering my personal ad and I'm answering your personal ad. And then we come back, we meet in the kitchen, we're like, hey, it's you, it's you. But no one goes, what the fuck?

[Gina Grad]

Right? You're both duplicitous. Nice that you both have half a brain. But what about that? You're both cheaters.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you don't go do so much trolling for whores, honey?

[Gina Grad]

But they're both trolling.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, but they do two wrongs make a right, that department.

[Gina Grad]

I think not.

[Lynette Carolla]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I wouldn't trust either one of those Pina Colada people. Yeah. Can we see a picture of Rupert Holmes, by the way? So you can see just how sexy a man with male. By the way. Nothing worse than being in the middle of the disco era and having male pattern baldness.

[Gina Grad]

Well, while you find that speaking of escape, I will escape from the news.

[Brian Bishop]

The news with Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

Eat a dick.

[Brian Bishop]

Msnbc.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, I'm not going anywhere until I see a picture of Rupert Holmes. So this could be a while. This could be a long while. Oh, wait, we have him. Here he is.

[Lynette Carolla]

He's got the Michael Caine glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you that he's got the huge Swifty Lazar glasses. Find a balder picture of him. Yes, Brian, through telepathy. I feel like there's a party. Yeah, there's. There's a more balding version of Rupert Holmes. You've been a delight, baby.

[Lynette Carolla]

You have been a delight, sir. You have been delight.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. So until next time, this Adam Kroll for bald Brian, Ileana Douglas and Teresa Strasser and Rupert Hill. Know what I'm saying? Mahalo.

[Dana Gould]

All right, this is Adam Cooler, show 402. Coming next we have Adam Krillo show 405. David Alan Greer, Larry Miller, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. This is the first half of the show before Dag joins him. Larry Miller in studio. We'll be playing part two tomorrow. Make sure to check it out. Until then, this is adam Kril Show 405, Part 1.

[Brian Bishop]

This is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, David Alan Greer. And Larry Miller.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus Teresa with the new and ball.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian with the noise. And now just call him angel of the morning. Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. Good day, Bald Bryant. Yeah, dad coming in. Good day. Teresa Strasser. Good day.

[Gina Grad]

Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh man, so much to talk about. Just got back, was out on the road. We got back on Sunday morning afternoon. Ish me, the we's and Mike August, very colorful team there. Headed out to Sacramento, then went to Seattle and then went to Portland. Have some observations by the way. First place, every, every place is better than here. It's all better than here. The downtowns especially. But they all have things like when you get, you know, we always have a car waiting for us at the airport, but if we miss the car, there's some light rail system that goes right to the lobby of the hotel. Like every single airport's like, oh, you just, you could take a cab or for $2 you could get on this Disneyland esque, state of the art boom rail and it would drop you off right in the middle of downtown Portland. So there's always that stuff, the stuff that doesn't exist out here. Even though we're the seventh largest economy in the world, we still can never afford our own shit. So you got all that and then you have just little touches like this, like just imagine this warm pixie air being blown up your ass. You fly out of LAX and it's such fucking culture shock. Super angry. Women of color just work put upon, just put upon. Women of color just working that security. And just like they got no, most of them thankfully don't talk like you just hand them your paper and you hand them your ID and they look at them, they go, mm. And they push it back in your direction.

[Gina Grad]

Your old receptionist, Peanut.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she was chatty until you got on the wrong side and then she'd take her flip flops off. But I'm leaving out of Sacramento and we, we get up early, early in the morning and we're hitting the Sacramento airport on the way out to Seattle and there's this 26 year old chick who looks like the Jewish chick in the show community that our Good friend Joel McHale is on and she's their brunette and yeah, cute. And she's sitting there in her little kiosk. She's the one who checks the license and checks the boarding pass and she's sitting there and she goes, okay. And she's looking at it and she does the okay, now, have a real nice flight, you know, have a real good day. And then she points at the coffee I'm holding because I'm still holding the coffee that I got gratis at the Radisson Inn or wherever we're at, and I'm holding it. And she looks at, and she knows this gotta go into the garbage, right? And I know it's gotta go into the garbage. It's not going, God forbid, me and the coffee make it through to the other side. So she looks at the coffee and she goes, oh, you're gonna have to throw that coffee away. Which now, by the way, if we were at lax, I'd be getting yelled at at this point. Sir, sir, did you not hear the man with the bullhorn three inches from your head, sir? But she goes, oh, you're gonna have to throw the coffee away. And I said, yeah, it's just. It's just hotel coffee. I'm fine. And she goes, is it full? And I go, yeah, it's pretty full. And she goes, ooh, like she felt my coffee pain.

[Gina Grad]

She empathized with you.

[Adam Carolla]

She empathized with my cup of crappy Euban.

[Gina Grad]

I wish you'd got her name so we could celebrate her common courtesy.

[Adam Carolla]

She made a sound to even ask you, is it full? Is it full?

[Gina Grad]

Because if there's one cold sip left, that's not a big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but, like, you could. The subtext was, I'm not a morning person either, right.

[Gina Grad]

I feel you.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know, I know. You look weary from traveling. Right? Mike August tried to fuck you in your ear last night when you fell asleep, but that was a subtext. And for them, she checked. She went. And also, quick note for all the Al Qaeda members who are listening to the podcast, and we have pretty sizable crew over there in Gitmo and beyond. You know, they do this thing. Like I said, you know, it's 9 11, and we just passed 9 11. And believe me, the terrorists win every single time. I have to take my fucking shoes off and my belt off. And by the way, they pop the shoes off and walk across the filthiest 18ft of carpet in North America. That one stretch is never replaced. It's indoor. Outdoor. It's got, like, baby vomit on it from the 70s. And gum, those black gum spots on it. And it's like, seriously, could there be a worse stretch of, like, the fucking carpet that's inside the Chili's that's in the airport? Much cleaner than this horrible stretch of carpet? I guess they can never replace it. Because you'd have to think about if you want to replace that carpet in security, you go like, we have to stop everything for two days. And you could never do that. So it's just the. And you can't even clean it. It's never not open and there's never not traffic on it. But it is disgusting. But as I'm taking all my shoes off and the belt and all that stuff and wondering whether the iPad is a computer or not, does it need to go in its separate tub and everything? And like I said, I see the blonde woman tossing away the bottle of red wine that was given to her probably by her in laws when she was traveling. When I was in Denver, wherever I was a few weeks ago, just right into the trash can. I said, I thought to myself, you know, first off, if you're al Qaeda, here's what you should be doing. You show up with a bottle of red wine. That bottle of red wine is 750 milliliters. I mean, you put plastique. I don't know why plastic is plastic explosives, but when you just call it plastic, it's plastique. So you're throwing away. You know what, it's a lot like. It's like Carnegie hall, but when you watch pbs, it's a generous donation by the Carnegie.

[Gina Grad]

Right, it's the Carnegie Corporation.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck is it? Same guy, Carnegie hall or Carnegie.

[Gina Grad]

Right? Is it Carnegie?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's fucking people with your goddamn degrees, rubbing it all over everything. All right, here's my point. Dig this. Dig this for terrorist activity.

[Gina Grad]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

Just dynamite.

[Gina Grad]

Is it worse than what you're doing to me and Brian right now? The hostage crisis?

[Adam Carolla]

This could be a waterboarding versus you making a video.

[Dana Gould]

We've had plastiques shoved our ears.

[Gina Grad]

Please tell us more about airport travel.

[Adam Carolla]

Where it's called coming around, how things are pronounced. You take this bottle and you can't get it onto the plane. Obviously the reason they don't want you to bring it on the plane, if because it's filled with nitroglycerin, you'll blow up the plane. So they tell you, hey, throw it in that trash can 12ft from where we're standing and you just take the bottle and you drop it into the trash can. Well, what if it was an explosive? What if it was filled with nitroglycerin or plastique and it just had a timer on it? And what if you had, let's say, couple of your terrorist buddies do this at a couple airports? Simultaneously or what have you.

[Dana Gould]

You probably do more damage in the security line than you would on a plane.

[Adam Carolla]

There is a serpentine line, and we all know the serpentine line. We walk 60ft that way and 60ft back, and you move forward nine inches. There are 350 people in a room the size of my bedroom growing up. I mean, it's a fun dense, right? Not only do you get all these dense travelers, right, but you get the TSA people. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You probably get a couple kids.

[Adam Carolla]

You freak everyone the fuck out. Because now we're being blown up before we get an opportunity to get blown up.

[Dana Gould]

Back up the people. There's two decks, you know what I'm saying? People underneath certainly going to get the water falls through and the crush of people running for the exits.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And God knows, but a bottle, I mean, you know, the shoe bomber was a retard who had, you know, heel full of God knows what, M80s, but, you know, I'm no munitions expert, but something the size of a bottle of wine or even a big thing of Gatorade or something, you can take out quite a lot of real estate with that.

[Dana Gould]

You convinced me, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it now. You don't even have to be there because it's a timer. And also, you could do this in every airport on the same day times. Whatever. No one. That guy didn't say, give me the bottle, I'm going to bust it open. That guy just said, hey, hey, that bottle, that's got it, that ain't coming through here. And that's happened to me a million times, too. They go, you want the bottle? You want to check the bottle? If it's explosives, why is checking it. Why is it being in the belly of the plane gonna anyway? No, I just throw it out. And they just go. They throw it out. They don't go put it. They don't take a dog and sniff it or put it in some sort of Kevlar suitcase or something. Just throw it out. So if it is explosives, why are you just throwing it out in this sea of humanity?

[Dana Gould]

And the irony is the culprit flies away to safety.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

While in the trash can explodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. So that was nice. Also had an ass full of the hoity toity Hotel. The ones you know. You know my beef with the W and all these hoity toity cool hotels.

[Gina Grad]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the ones that are sort of, I always say, big on attitude, small on square footage.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God. The rooms at the W in New York City?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they're so cool. Oh, but there's a guy with a mock turtleneck who's giving you attitude.

[Gina Grad]

And there's always a pool party with a dj.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're not going.

[Gina Grad]

Quiet down, I'm trying to read.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we had this thing and Donnie, Donnie's having a tough day, but a little jet lag, but he'll come in and clear things out. We went to one of these hotels, it was called the Nines and it was in Portland. And it's like, it's so trendy and it's so hip and it's so cool. Except for these people are. These hotels are always run by 23 year olds with attitudes. They don't have experience. They look good. Like, hey, if you're gonna fuck the person who's working behind the counter, these are your hotels. But if you want service or professional attitude or experience in the hotel industry, you're not gonna get it. We pulled in at noon. They said, yeah, room's not ready. And I said, wow, we're pretty exhausted from traveling. And they said, well, we're not quite ready yet. And I said, okay, well, we're going to go out and do some radio interviews. We'll have a sandwich, we'll come back. Came back over two hours later. It's like, is the room ready? No. So Donnie got fucked up. At the end of the night, they revoked his key and he got in at 1am and they screwed with his key and all this kind of stuff. But me, Mike August and Donnie were driving back to the airport in Portland and Donnie was lamenting about how these motherfuckers ruined his life. And it's the kind of thing where, you know that thing where you pull up to your room at the end of the night and you have your two big bags of equipment, you're exhausted and you're putting your key in over and over again. It's not working. And you're going down. You've already started getting your pre whack boner going. So you and your wood got to go down. And you have to argue with some guy with some attitude behind the counter and about this. So Donnie was digging into us and we were all complaining, me, Mike and Donnie, about these fucking trendy, hip hotels we keep going to, where no square footage, no anything, but plenty of attitude. And then I thought, you know what it is? You know, got us to hotel Lynn and Alex, those are a gay publicist, and for them it's the hottest thing in the World. But let me just send this message out to all homos. Stop doing this to straight people who don't give a fuck. Oh, it's so hip. It's so hot. There's a gifting suite. There's a club 88 is upstairs. We're not there to suck cock and go clubbing.

[Gina Grad]

Cheer up and be excited.

[Adam Carolla]

And as I was yelling at Donnie in the van on the way back to Portland Airport, right. Do you think if someone said to me, hey, I gotta pick out a hotel for Lynn and Alex. Let me think. I love nascar. Oh, I gotta get him into a NASCAR themed hotel, cuz I. I love nascar. No, I'd go, they don't give a fuck about that.

[Gina Grad]

Sure, he's gay.

[Adam Carolla]

They want square footage and no fucking hip hop on the roof and no attitude.

[Gina Grad]

Now let's just say it's my birthday. Your wife doesn't give me a Bruce Springsteen cd. That's what she would enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

Right. She gets into the head of the person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

So saying that they, they're thinking what they would like.

[Adam Carolla]

The gays do this. They do a lot of gay grafting.

[Gina Grad]

You're oh, you're mate. You're universalizing it to all gay.

[Adam Carolla]

They do a lot of. He would love this. This is such a cool jacket. This is such cool shoes. It's such a cool whatever. And they don't realize straight guys are like. Women would be left alone with a mini barn, some square footage. Thank you.

[Dana Gould]

Think there's a little kickback action going on there. We're getting ourselves some rooms. Kickback, not necessarily nice. Well, that's sister hotel in West Holly.

[Adam Carolla]

We talk about it, but by the way, is kickback some sort of gay lingo for something? Kickback action with the fruit stand through the glory hole.

[Gina Grad]

To be fair, when you really enjoy something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

Think.

[Gina Grad]

You know I love this. Oh, you do, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. But I've had to say to them, like, they're going, oh, there's a. There's a gifting suite. And. And it's like, well, what do they got there? Oh, everything from bedazzled jeans to kissing Tasha. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Does your cat need a vest? No, I don't have a fucking cat. I got some parts there for a car or something like they send me. I went to a gifting suite once they set me up with. It was like canned like bedazzled candles and. And double deck strollers for your cats and shit. It's like, yes, you like this. I would never like this. But by the way, there's no way I would tell Lyn and Alex. Oh, you've not been to sema. Oh, man. Chip Foo's got a booth up there, and Edelbrock's got a booth up there. And if you're a small block Chevy, man, you're in paradise. No, I would go. There's no way you guys would, like. You guys would be miserable there. Like, you would send them to a USC game and go, you're gonna be awesome.

[Gina Grad]

Now, I'm debating about whether or not to bring this up, but. What? Do you recall your wedding gift to me?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Cordless drill, set of tools. Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Now, there's a beautiful set of tools, and I've added. Yes. And it's. It's been used, and it's a good thing to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. That's interesting.

[Gina Grad]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

But when you think.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but let me tell you what Theresa likes. Let me tell you what that falls under. Let me tell you what that falls under. Here's what falls under. That falls under. Like my wife setting up a dentist appointment for me, which is. I don't want to go. It's no party. I'd rather make her. Have her make a reservation. A steak joint. But I need it. It's good for me. It's practical, you know, I need it. That's very. I knew that your man and you were moving into a new house, and everyone who lives in a new house or who lives in a home, every homeowner needs a cordless drill and a little flashlight and a shop vac. And I knew you'd get a bunch of crock pots from people or shit. You did need bracelets and crock pots from people who knew how to buy those. That's what I said. I will provide. I knew Lynn and Alex would provide the gay gift. I'm gonna provide the straight gift. But I feel ya the best you're saying it has.

[Gina Grad]

But to be fair, we moved into a new old house where you know from 1914, when you really need tools. And also we had a kid. And every toy has to be put together with a.

[Adam Carolla]

That's also my not so subtle just message to your man. Man up. You got a home now. You're getting married.

[Gina Grad]

He received it.

[Adam Carolla]

You should own a tool.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Good.

[Dana Gould]

Plus, wasn't your explanation something along the lines of like, oh, these aren't the best drills, but they're good?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you don't need the best drills.

[Adam Carolla]

We went with the Ryobi. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it was Ryobi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's not. He's not. He's not.

[Gina Grad]

It's not Craftsman material.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not a Milwaukee man just yet.

[Gina Grad]

Not really a Black and Decker.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, they're not plastic Fisher price ones.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, they'll get the job done. Yeah, well, I'm just saying, you know, a guy solid B plus. You work at a. What I'm saying is you work at a Whole Foods store and you got to make runs for produce. Chevy F150 will do you right. You don't need a Super Duty 4 wheel drive 350 with £10,000 towing capacity or whatever. You're not a. Construction. Don't work in construction. You're not towing boats around for a living or whatever it is. I gave you any more tool. He couldn't have handled it.

[Gina Grad]

No suitable to our needs.

[Adam Carolla]

It would have cost me more. All right, now, I guess. I guess Donnie was going to get onto the mic, but somehow they got rid of him.

[Dana Gould]

Did you say Donnie's jet lag? By the way, you didn't change time zones, did you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, Donnie. Donnie is. Donnie's been burning the candle at both ends and he's sleep deprived. And the reason I was late is because our schedules are all fucked up because we've been traveling so much and shoot, we did a podcast yesterday in the afternoon and blah, blah, blah. But anyway, Donnie, Donnie, Donnie. You want to yell at the Nines for screwing you over? With what little energy I have. Yes. And Lynn and Alex. Yeah, those guys drive me crazy with this fancy pants designer hotel. Yeah, I know, it's very, very chic and very like cool looking, but none of the shit we give a shit about. And we'd rather have the room ready and. And square footage. Yes. All right, good enough. Danny. What? Do you want me to tell the story? Nah, I told it. I was gonna laugh about you and Portland and a few other things, but I don't know, maybe I'll let you off the hook. Okay. I appreciate it.

[Gina Grad]

He does look tired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's hagging.

[Gina Grad]

And we do have to talk about the VMAs.

[Adam Carolla]

He's haggard. I just have to say this quickly, just quickly. You know how I always yell at Donny, Quit rounding down. You're hurting my stories. Yeah, stop rounding down. Yeah, we were the night before. Now, this isn't really his fault, but the night before we're in Portland. And that night we're in Portland. Night before we're in Seattle. By the way, thank you. Seattle 1870 tickets sold out. Wow. One show. More theater.

[Gina Grad]

That's your favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Great fucking audience. Yeah. And I heard, I heard the next night, Donnie was saying to my stepsister, Hillary, he said, yeah, last night, 1600 people at the, at the Moore. And I said, listen, I think I heard Mike say, when it's 1870, you just say 2,000 people at the Moore Theater. And then my stepsister will round down a little. That's the math she does.

[Dana Gould]

You don't slip off like correcting for the wind, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I said, tony, soda. Midnight. So about midnight on Saturday night, I said, donnie, quit rounding down. You're fucking with everyone's story. Stop rounding down. Smash cut to us inside the cab. We're driving to the Portland airport. Donny's going off about, oh, man, the damn hotel. And we got back, we did two shows. It was late at night. We had two shows. We come back, I got my bags, my key card doesn't work again. We didn't get out of theater until midnight. And Mike August chimes in and leans over to the cab driver and he goes, 1:30am and Donny goes, 12:45.

[Gina Grad]

He rounded down his own.

[Adam Carolla]

He rounded down his own story.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

He shot upon his own story. Don't put shits on your ponies. Poor Mike August is trying to embellish. Only by 40 minutes. He only. It was. We didn't get out of the theater until way after midnight. We got out of the theater like 12:30, 12:40. So it couldn't have been. So Mike just did the 1:30 just to. Just to blow a little puff a little smoke toward the story. Donnie straightened him out immediately. You did tell the whole story, right? Yeah. Yes. All right. I've been going since the morning. I had all this gear. 11, 11:50, though. Not 1:30am I'm sorry, I should have. God forbid the 65 year old chick who was driving us to the airport, who lives in Portland and think it was 1:30am still bad. Anyway, Donnie shits on your points. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. All right, all right. I just love the idea that he said equal opportunity.

[Gina Grad]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

He shat on my more attendance last night and he shat on his own nine hours later. It was awesome. All right, shall we bring after the show? My mom's called me twice. She's got to talk to you after the show about your shitting on stories.

[Gina Grad]

Can you play the drop?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Donnie, can you just tell me that after the show?

[Brian Bishop]

This has been Donnie shits on your point.

[Gina Grad]

That's my point and more the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. All right. And out. The beauty of when Donnie's mom calls five times, it could either be my house in Beechwood Canyon is on fire.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or there's. She needs to fact something over later this week. This is why people can't do the. I need to talk to you now because you have to have. I need to talk to you now, tone. And then you have to have the. It can wait till the end of the day. All right. Should we bring Larry Miller in?

[Gina Grad]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring the great Larry Miller in. And t. You got some. You got some news?

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I'm chomping at the bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, Larry. Always great to see it.

[Brian Bishop]

From the international news center next to.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news. Hold on, hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Larry. Go ahead, brother.

[Gina Grad]

He didn't have his headphones and thus didn't hear the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yes, go ahead, Larry. Sorry.

[Larry Miller]

All right. I should know that by now. So I have to have to tell you something about your wife. This is a classic guy story. Every. Every guy listening will understand, and I think every woman will understand from a different point of view. This last week after taping the other thing, the other show that we'll talk about later, but that I'm standing in the. In the car shop there, by the way, that may not be the phrase for it. I wouldn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

The shop behind the studio here.

[Larry Miller]

Yes, the place with the things. And I'm standing there with Jeff at his computer. And you know how something a man can look at a woman from 200 yards away and make a decision? It can be a 50th of a second. Every man can suddenly say, gee, she doesn't seem that appealing to me. Or maybe under the right circumstances. Or then there's the right. Or there's the third category, which is absolutely everything lives in the. By the way, you're absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Larry Miller]

But so I look up. Yeah, So I look up, I'm sitting with Jeff. I see in silhouette because it's from the hallway a woman coming. And it's almost like in slow motion. It's complete silhouette. I can't see who it is. And you start doing the guy, they just glance up and just go, oh, absolutely. I have no idea who this is. And he's walking through. Down through the hallway. And I think, boy, again, it's almost like a slow motion thing in jeans. Now this is what every man's head does.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah. And it's the best because lynette always dresses down. She's usually in a T shirt and jeans. And yet there's no hiding that. She's built like Jessica Rat it.

[Larry Miller]

Well, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

So that's. That's the thing.

[Larry Miller]

So she's. This woman is coming down the hallway, and I'm thinking, absolutely. Then you go from absolutely to.

[Lynette Carolla]

This.

[Gina Grad]

Is what was in your head.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, and it's all in a 50th of a second, as you all know. In that same 50th of a second, you say, then we'll do it over here. We'll do it over there. That same 50th of a second, my.

[Adam Carolla]

Wife on one of my cars.

[Gina Grad]

Yes. Not knowing that.

[Larry Miller]

The irony is so heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Larry Miller]

So here's the thing. So just as light, she starting to come out of the black tunnel there in silhouette, just enough light to say, well, you begin to realize someone's face.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she's really pretty.

[Larry Miller]

This is unbelievable. This is someone.

[Gina Grad]

Because you've already decided this before you've seen her face. Her face has been in the shadows.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. It's just the whole presentation with a man, you can put one piece of frame of a film in with a million others, and it can go by in a zillionth of a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Him.

[Larry Miller]

And a man can tell you, yeah, she's great. That's all you need. You can look through lead. It doesn't matter. And so when she starts now, since she comes fully into the light. So now I'm thinking, absolutely, and yes, and he will do. So then she comes to the light. I just went, oh, geez, Lynette. Hi.

[Adam Carolla]

And then suddenly you just change those things. Oh, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

You just change those train tracks over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yanking the lever as hard as they can, by the way. A lot of things and trains involve yanking the same lever as hard as you can. While sparks and other things fly. It's never a quick flip of a switch. It's gotta get the train. I take that as a compliment, by the way. Larry. It is.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, what could be a better compliment?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, a lot of guys take offense to that. Well, it's weird. I mean, first off, how about these guys, the ones who get their wise, you know, they buy them a set of fake tits, then they put them in a tube top, then they take them to a bar, and then they set them down on a bar stool, and then they walk up to a guy and go, you staring at my wife like, yeah, hello. She's wearing super tight jeans and double D fake tits. Since you Bought her and she's wearing a tube top and you sat her down next to me. What do you want me to do? Wonder Also like good looking people do grab you. I mean, you definitely. And as guys we are, they're essentially food and they essentially do what, you know, big cats do with movement in shrubs. You know what I mean? Just sort of there's. That's right. And it doesn't really matter where you are, what you're doing. If you see some movement, you're sort of like, huh, what, what, what's that? It's movement. Right.

[Gina Grad]

That's why Donald Trump is occasionally attracted to his daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Movement there. Yeah. Either way, someone who looks like his daughter or one of his daughter's friends.

[Gina Grad]

He wants, he's made comments.

[Adam Carolla]

He said she, she's, she's very trash.

[Gina Grad]

If it was my daughter, I'd marry her. Or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Meanwhile, probably just her and forget her. But point is this. But the point, guys, we have, we, we have this but. Well, it's why there's a pretty chick in every, every single, I mean, they use good looking women to sell tools. They're good looking women to sell beer and prosthetic limbs. There's a hot looking chick there in a bikini holding a fake.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, and by the way, sales, sales women, like your pharmaceutical salesperson, that's gonna be a hot chick and a pencil skirt.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to the Estee Lauder counter over there at the Bullock's and look out.

[Larry Miller]

My favorite ad at the airport used to be a Nikon ad. It was a billboard. The same principle. It was a billboard said Nikon. They have a picture of a camera and then just a woman in a bikini. They don't even try to relate it. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we at least will sort of attempt to do something with our American Apparel commercials or billboards or something. Like once you get outside the United States, once you get into, God forbid, Mexico or Japan, it's like, fuck it, chicken. A bikini just holding a dialysis machine. I mean, it doesn't matter. It's like Mexico understands the bikini thing very well. Very smart that way. And I was, by the way, for those of you think I do my fair share of picking on Mexico, I was saying to a buddy at lunch at a, they know their roles over there. The ladies are, they're ladies and the men are men and that's the way they like it. And when you watch a sitcom or you watch telenovela, the chicks look like female impersonators and the guys look like they're from the 50s and should have ridden in on a horse. You know, like that. The guys are like shirts undone to the navel, all sort of Ricky Martin'd out when he was in Menudo. And you know the hair.

[Dana Gould]

Nothing more mad masculine.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I mean the hair flowing and the thing. Well, he looks. Looks that way. And. And the women all just boobs and ass and eyeliner. Hey, that'd be a good name for a morning crew.

[Gina Grad]

I like that. Yeah, I'll be. I would be the boobs. I don't have.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be the boobs.

[Dana Gould]

Can I please be eyeliner?

[Larry Miller]

But I love how that they change the names. They misdirect the names. So the one you think would be the woman isn't the woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Or that they know she's the other.

[Adam Carolla]

She's Bob. Yeah. And it's also. It's also funny too, when they do the one. I like it when they just go whole hog with the weirdo names versus the ones where I go, it's Bob, Shelley and the Gimp.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, well, the classic Heidi, Frosty and Frank. You're like, why is one of them got a wacky name?

[Adam Carolla]

But at least Frosty isn't the Gimp, right? Adam, this is radio. Do you have, by the way, do you have some news for us?

[Gina Grad]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a hypothetical question to get to as well, but we'll start with the news.

[Gina Grad]

We already played the intel.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, I'll make this very quick. The VMAs were held. I don't know if you watched, but yeah, they were to consolidate. Lady Gaga won a lot of shit and Justin Bieber won a lot of shit. And Chelsea Handler did a bit with Lindsay Lohan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was weird. I was watching that. I was like, lindsay Lohan's a bad actress. As I was sort of watching, then I thought, nah, not. It was weird because it like started off as, oh, I get what the idea is. But it wasn't very well executed.

[Gina Grad]

Let's take a listen to it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Chelsea Handler walking.

[Gina Grad]

Chelsea Handler's hosting and yeah, they're in the hallway. Chelsea's in her bathrobe and I should say this is a pre tape. And sources are saying they didn't trust Lindsay to do it live. So it was pre taped.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

Chelsea, kill him out there, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Good luck out there. Thank you, Chelsea. It's that time, baby. Let's make it do what it do. Thank you. It's weird. And don't get me wrong, I'm a racist. And everything, but everyone who slapped her in the ass was black. And then she did a couple of weird black jokes out there.

[Gina Grad]

I'm gonna get to that in a second.

[Adam Carolla]

And now there's three black guys chasing her. And the other guys who whacked her were all black. Hello, Chelsea. Hey, Lindsay.

[Gina Grad]

Have you been drinking? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that just means that my table's.

[Gina Grad]

Ready at the Cheesecake Factory. Wake up, Handler. Pull it together.

[Lynette Carolla]

You're a mess.

[Gina Grad]

Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me, they don't.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, okay. You turned your life around. Maybe I can too.

[Gina Grad]

That's the spirit, kid. Now go get him.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, freckles.

[Brian Bishop]

Have a great show.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, don't embarrass me.

[Adam Carolla]

Reviews. Drunk should have gone out. Should have gone out. The slap on the ass.

[Gina Grad]

And stopped reviews of Chelsea Handler's performance. Not good. The New York Times called Chelsea, quote, among the worst in the show's history, adding that she was purposefully out of touch with brief, alarming flashes of off color racial humor. The Washington Post felt the same way, noting that a string of flat punch lines felt a few degrees below crass.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this about Chelsea. I think, well, first off, I've done her show and there's not that much going on there. These sort of. Look, you know, I've always said this. When you watch a guy fight and watch a guy in a ring and you look at him with other opponents and stuff like that, you kind of go, wow, I wonder how I would stack up with that guy. I wonder if I could stay with that guy. I wonder if I'd knock him out or he'd knock me out. But then when you spar with a guy, you learn pretty quickly. Oh, yes, yes. I know where I would stand with this person. And there's people come and sit down next to you, like Larry Miller, mainly because he's here, and Dana Gould and guys like that, where you go, well, there's something. There's something substantial. Now, you won't know it from watching them on TV or watching them from. Do their set. Watch doing their set on tv on Conan or something. But when you see them, when you sit down next to him, when you go to Chelsea Handler show and you sit there, she could have been having an off night, but there wasn't much going on. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

There wasn't much there.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you seen her work?

[Larry Miller]

No kidding. I haven't seen it. You're talking to someone, remember for good or ill. I haven't seen the dancing show. Even when you run, I haven't seen anything. I haven't seen the America's favorite anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, remember he thought that when we asked him. It's hypothetical between the hills and the Jersey Shore. We're actually talking about the location of the Jersey shore and mounds of dirt, 1946 in Kentucky. But here's the thing about Chelsea. She's doing her impersonation of a stand up, which is not a bad thing. She's got an act and she's making millions of dollars and selling books and all that kind of stuff. And I don't think she's horrible. I just don't think she's a great stand up. I don't know that she ever wanted to be a great stand up. I think she wants to be a star and she's doing what it takes to be a star. And she's obviously not a dope and she's obviously talented, but I wouldn't call her gifted as a, you know, communicator or a stand up comedian. And you get that when you sit next to her on her show. I think she made the mistake of doing this. She's out, you know, selling out Carnegie hall and all that. And she thinks that people know her act. And her act is that I'm a hot blonde chick and I'm going to talk about blowing midgets and being drunk all the time. Get that drop, which is. Thank you. Which is not quite a steamer case filled with carrot top shit, but it's somewhere between I'm a Mexican guy who's talking about being Mexican all the time and I'm a fat guy. So I'm not being fat all the time. It's a little zig to that zag, but it's still sort of a little comedy crutch. It's not observational stuff. It's. Isn't it crazy to see a chick that you'd like to fuck talking about fucking guys uglier than you when she's drunk? So she went into that thing kind of thinking there must be some black guy humor in her past?

[Gina Grad]

I can bring my character into this.

[Adam Carolla]

She brought her booze and her black guy humor in. And I don't think that 17 and a half year old audience knew that material, but it was kind of weird. She went down the hall and there was, you know, nine black guys slapped her in the ass and then three chased her. And then when she went out on stage, she made a couple of pardon the Pun off color sort of black guy humor jokes. And again, don't get me wrong, I'm.

[Gina Grad]

A racist, but at least be funny about it.

[Adam Carolla]

But it didn't seem to fit. It was like, why is she saying the black. Like, yeah, just. And also, don't you have to toss in. If you're going through the absurd humor. Have Lil Wayne hit you in Lil Wayne? We're not talking about Wayne.

[Gina Grad]

Not John Wayne.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know.

[Gina Grad]

Not Wayne Brady. That might even be too pop culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Y. Not Wayne Lombardo, Guy's brother from the. No, he, you know, have that and then have, you know, have some cute blonde chicken from some girl band. Have Taylor Swift whack you in the ass. You know, to mix it up.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, this I can say. And this I. I will say that just seeing that there and I didn't see it last night, that'll come as a great shock. But just seeing that right there, that was a very. That was a real slap. And I must say, it was very powerfully attractive to me. I'm going to be thinking about those slaps because you see the. The chair, see the thing moving. It looks fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

There was some effort behind this, but I mean, just.

[Larry Miller]

No, I mean the actual thing. Her bottom looks pretty great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All that being said, it's almost impossible to go out and host these MTV whatever awards with these big arenas full of drunk people who don't give a shit or staring and texting and all that kind of shit. So.

[Gina Grad]

All right, the other big story was that Taylor Swift and Kanye west, you remember, you probably even were aware of this. Of course, Kanye ran up there and said that Beyonce should have won Taylor Swift's award.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So this time Taylor Swift sang a song, a very patronizing song about Kanye west that she sort of forgave him. And that 32 really isn't that old.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, Larry thinks Kanye west is a deep dish pizza joint. Oh, stop it. Decided to cal near Chicago. You know what?

[Larry Miller]

I'm not from Jupiter.

[Gina Grad]

And Kanye did a little funny rap about him being a douchebag, and all is forgiven. Oprah Winfrey. Today was her. The first day of her last season. 25 years.

[Adam Carolla]

This would be the longest year of our lives. Do you understand?

[Gina Grad]

Do you know what she gave away today?

[Adam Carolla]

A Pontiac G6.

[Gina Grad]

No. Remember, this is the.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the last season, but this is the best year to get cancer, because this year is going to feel like eight years.

[Dana Gould]

Damn it.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You started too early. You started way too early.

[Dana Gould]

Always too early.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you know, it's all relative. You know, when I was digging ditches, eight hours felt like a million. A million years. And when you have a job you love, the day blows by. Well, think about Oprah and the bombardment of 255 days into Oprah. Watch. It was gonna be nonstop Oprah. It's gonna be like when Kareem left the NBA.

[Gina Grad]

John Travolta was there. Paul Simon sang a song he wrote specifically for Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Called Kodachrome.

[Gina Grad]

Me and Gail down by the schoolyard.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wrote it in the 70s.

[Gina Grad]

Kodachrome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

No, it's for you, Oprah, I swear. And she announced that she was taking her entire audience of 300 guests to Australia. They picked her biggest fans for the audience and told it as a reward they were all going to Australia with Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's not going with them, though.

[Gina Grad]

She went with. Yeah. Eight day, all expenses paid, trip down under. Oprah came along for the ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Same plane.

[Gina Grad]

I'm sure she probably got a.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. This is a John Travolta Qantas airline thing.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, oh, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

If Travolta was there. Well, Simon's not flying that fucking plane, so. Someone's got a fly t. Do the math.

[Gina Grad]

Listen, I can't wait. I have a T vote at home. And I just can't be ironic about Oprah. I love Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Gina Grad]

Oprah's so good at what she does.

[Adam Carolla]

I love her ironically. Have any beef with the woman either? Except for couple things. I know she's got to be colossal cunt behind, you know, off. Off camera. I just know that. Number one. Number two, she's too enamored with herself. She gets. She. She has. This is why everyone should have to play the county fair every once in a while, because Oprah has that audience eating out of the palm of her hand constantly. And she just changes the tone of her voice, and everyone starts laughing or clapping or whatever, and I'll turn to my wife and go, who looks good in silhouette, by the way? I'll say, that's not funny. That's not funny. Just because she. Just because she went. You know, had to meet love, you know, it's like. It's not.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you feel like she's tricking you with her inflection.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't trick this one, sweetie.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, well, let me wrap this up quickly with one last story because Dag is here and he's got to go. Have you guys seen Phil Davidson? The guy running for Stark County, Ohio, treasurer?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the Guy flipped out.

[Gina Grad]

The guy flipped out.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, just for fun, just a moment to enjoy GOP candidate Phil Davidson trying to get the nomination for treasurer and.

[Adam Carolla]

Failing of the Star County Republican Party Executive Committee. Good evening and thank you not only for your attendance, but for allowing me the opportunity to speak. My name is Phil Davidson, and I am seeking our party's nomination for the position of Star County Treasurer. Loves this guy. November of 2010. Excuse me. In terms of my background, I am from the village of Minerva, where I am serving my 13th year of elected service as a Minerva Council member. In terms of education, I have a bachelor's degree in sociology, a bachelor's degree in history, a master's degree in public administration. Got a doctorate and freak out, though, right?

[Gina Grad]

I think you just got it in.

[Adam Carolla]

A master's degree in communication. You shouldn't crack. Ironically, the word communication when you're explaining. I have represented our party twice on the county ballot.

[Dana Gould]

Let me tell you something, mean Gene.

[Adam Carolla]

Anybody going down the Detroit Coliseum on the 23rd gonna see me open a can of whoop ass on that district select. But notice Mike Caldwell. I have been a Republican and times good. And I have been a Republican and times bad.

[Larry Miller]

Well, this is a bad time.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Larry Miller]

This is nuts. This is real nuts.

[Gina Grad]

Six minutes of this, which I will not make you listen to.

[Adam Carolla]

Albert Einstein issued one of my most favorite quotes in the history of the spoken word, and it is, is as follows.

[Dana Gould]

History.

[Adam Carolla]

In the middle of opportunity. Oh, Lord. Black don't crack. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I'm going to repeat that so I have clarity tonight. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

[Larry Miller]

Well, there's a lot. A lot of opportunity for him.

[Adam Carolla]

This is so sad. All right, stop it. By the way, you know what?

[Larry Miller]

This is like you haven't seen in years. The clan. The old, old thing of where guys in white coats would come with a butterfly net.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And that used to be.

[Adam Carolla]

That was like.

[Larry Miller]

And they'd chase him around.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be playing Wacky Sax by Benny Hill, and. Yeah. Guy coming chase you down with a butterfly net. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

You know what?

[Larry Miller]

That was real nuts. That was like. No kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

Nuts.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Six minutes of that, and he did not get the GOP nomination. That is the news.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right, let's try to work something out. Larry, how about you go over there and sniff the chair my wife usually sits in? Let's. That's a good idea. Bring Dag in, and then we'll bring you back, because Dag only has, like, 10 or 15 minutes. And then we'll do the hypothetical question with Larry.

[Dana Gould]

All right, that's Adam Colishow 405 Part 1. Coming up next, we have Adam Colishow 1522. Dana Gould, Gina Grant, Brian Bishop. The premiere of Gina's News theme from March of 2015. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you, Ann Bald Bryan. You like roller coasters, motherfucker?

[Dana Gould]

That is probably my most requested top drop over the course of time. And what better time to play it when the man himself is here.

[Adam Carolla]

Dana Gould in Studio, the UP Comedy Club in Chicago. Coming up, the 20th and 21st of March. Also podcast, the Dana Gould Hour, available on itunes. Whenever somebody says to me, who do I have, like, getting up on stage with your name? David Alan Greer, Artie Lang. And then I start to fade out. Fitz Dog gets slid in, shoehorned in. And then I just start to coast after that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well, the people that you described. What's funny is the thing that we do that's so special, is that we're professional. Yes, they actually try.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's all it is. I used to say that when we do our morning show because people come in at 7:05 and their publicist pushed them in there and it was contract, they were contractually obliged to show up. So they would just sit there plugging their new comedy, sort of half asleep and mostly pissed off. Come across as sort of stilted and unfunny and tired. And then they would leave thinking, they're checking that box. The only box they checked was everyone who listened thought they weren't fucking funny. I always used to say, don't do it for me, do it for you.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I have my listeners. They're listening to you.

[Brian Bishop]

It's your record.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Please play it, and hopefully the people shall dance.

[Dana Gould]

It's if you don't show up, it's a zero. If you show up and you're. If you're cranky or tired or unfunny or whatever, then it's negative points, right?

[Brian Bishop]

The best advice I ever got from anybody was from Kevin Rooney, who said, it's a show, right? You know, you know, you could be in a, you know, you know, you could be in a coffee shop in Silver Lake or, you know, and everybody's in a suede coat and they're writing on their hand. It's still a show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're on show, you have a microphone. People showed up, you're there to try. I think you get that. But also for me personally, I do it for My. For myself, for my own. I don't want anyone walking out, going, a little bit tired. Yeah, a little bit tired. So, Dana Gould, Even a stripper, if.

[Brian Bishop]

They yawn in the middle of it, it just. No, I want you to think. I want to believe that you're more excited about being here than I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, what happened with strippers and me in strip clubs. At some point, my cock and balls jumped the shark when they got too acrobatic on the pole, ironically, I got too old. And now I want to stand up and go, huh, hon, you're gonna hurt yourself, sweetie. No, sweetie. There's so many people in wheelchairs from doing dives into. In the shallow end of the swimming pool, which you're doing right now, but. And they weren't beaked out of their mind on coke, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I wonder if, like, do strippers and firefighters just, like, with. What do you do? I'm a firefighter.

[Gina Grad]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm an exotic dancer. Oh, man, just pull it. I know.

[Dana Gould]

A lot of polo. Shop talk.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, a lot of shop talk about.

[Adam Carolla]

What gauge brass you use.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine gauge. Oh, just nine.

[Brian Bishop]

The Smithson 5000. Yet that thing is unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and then. And then there's a little some snotty one up upsmanship where the strippers going. We're asking a lot more out of our poll. I mean, you guys. You guys slide down, eat some chili, play some foosball. But what we're doing is. Is poetic.

[Brian Bishop]

My polls are saving lives. Mine is making lives worth living.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I had this bizarre thought today, which was, you know, I came up with this idea that I went out, I had a big. God, I don't know where. I was in, like, Napa, California somewhere. I got stoned. I went out to eat with, like, 20 people, with Jimmy and a whole bunch of guys like that, and just went to this big barn place and ate, and I ate a whole bunch of beet salad. I love beets. And then later on, when I hit the commode, I looked down and thought my innards had spilled out of me. So I ate. I told the guy, looks like the.

[Brian Bishop]

Backseat of Kennedy's limo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Too soon, Dana.

[Adam Carolla]

So I came up with this thing called the beat bracelet. You know what I mean? It's kind of a live strong thing, but it's just a little reminder that your server gives you. You ate beets? Just a red 8. And it'd be funny if later on that day you ran into someone. Oh, you got your beet bracelet on, you know. Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh God. I had beets. Oh, thank Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But now problem solved with my beat bracelet. Right? Well I had this thought they make golden beets.

[Dana Gould]

They do.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be awesome if the same rules applied with what came out of you? You'd be like that goose from Jack and the bean stuff.

[Dana Gould]

You'd be like King Midas with dysentery.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be awesome. And by the way, sales of golden beach would fucking go through the roof if you just laid an ingot out there. Came out of your ass. Because when you eat a red beet, that's what comes out of you. Somebody you fucking farmers out there, they're doing. Doing all the geneticizing. Get the gold beat going because you want to talk about a fucking rocket sled ride to the moon for gold. For golden beats. And the gold golden beats are somewhere between like jicama and alfalfa right now. Like on the. On the road. I know that you want to get to the top of that fucking list. You make those ingots come out of the ass.

[Dana Gould]

Honey, get in here.

[Brian Bishop]

We're going to retire. You will find people.

[Adam Carolla]

People will be much. I've got a fashion yard bracelet, tennis bracelet are charm. What are the kids initials again?

[Brian Bishop]

People. Yeah, people won't mind picking through their feces the way they do now.

[Dana Gould]

No, wouldn't be so uptight about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that was always the difference between. The difference between people with kids and people without kids. People without kids say I have shit on my hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And people with kids shit on my hand. Yeah, yeah, I know where it comes.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point you become like a veteran. That's done. Pardon the pun. A few tours of duty and when you've seen enough men die, you don't phase you.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that's not to dwell on this subject. And I'll say this. We'll move on. You know, I have dogs and cats because I have kids. So I have everything, you know, my dog food. I like take the canned food and then I put a little dry in there and then I put it in the microwave. I get it nice and warm and I'll spend some time. And their thought is like, well, it isn't cat shit, but it'll have to do.

[Dana Gould]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Because if they. You see them making the move to that litter box, that's the Almond Roca of the dog world.

[Dana Gould]

Can you imagine this golden beet thing work? Matt Vondelier would be like the fucking Rockefeller of our day. Matt Vondelier would be hailed As a.

[Adam Carolla]

King, like a Pollock, the Rockefeller of our time, Sultan of Brunei would invite him to the palace and buying us all gobs of money of shit, this toilet. I'd just be great if the golden beet was the same as the beet beet. Let's get going on that shit. So a couple of things just to completely shift gears a little bit here, but Dana was talking about putting the dog food in the microwave and getting it just right. There are little itty bitty bitty things in your life that can really impact your life in a positive way, but you don't know it because you've been doing it the dumb way or living with the bad, whatever, for so long that it has now become part of the landscape of your life.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why or who or how this was invented, but at a certain. I do a lot of microwave action. Especially when you have kids, you do a lot of microwave action. And it was always like the paper plate, you got to put the lid on it so it doesn't, you know, get all spattery all over the place with Mac and cheese or whatever it is. And then I said to somebody, they must make a microwave cover thing. And now comes the plastic. But the plastic cover I got was about 2 1/2 inches high and it dented in for where the finger pull handle kind of thing was. And it would always just teeter on top of your spaghetti and meatballs. It didn't have enough height. It needed a dome. And I live with this thing because.

[Dana Gould]

You'Re putting on a plate that covered.

[Adam Carolla]

In a pile of pieces on it, and it wasn't deep enough to accommodate at a certain point after living. And then it would get this.

[Dana Gould]

You need like a mosquito net for the outdoors. You need like the outdoor picnic.

[Brian Bishop]

And you're preserving moisture. Let's just call this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It gets schmutz all over it. And after about six years, I. It's always. I said, don't they make ones that are higher than this, where the handles don't push in but come out like tabs? And sure enough, they're all over the place. And they're $1.99. And I was making. I had like the tall boy soup bowl in there today. And I put the thing over it just today. And I thought the old one would have been teetering on top of it with the handle, the plastic handle ins inside the soup. And I just thought, this is so much better. And it's something I use every single day and multiple times a day. And it was under $3. Walk around your life and figure that out. It's not buy Bentley, it's do this.

[Teresa Strasser]

You've endured six years of a teetering dome and didn't realize you didn't have to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in my mind, I bought a microwave cover.

[Brian Bishop]

You and Stephen Hawking.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. I needed a better microwave cover. And a pox to those who designed this one.

[Brian Bishop]

What they really need is something shy of a T machine that can take the burnt popcorn odor out of your microwave. Because at a certain point, you've got to chuck the whole unit.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta. You gotta. You gotta wash it in tomato juice. You have to literally draw a bath of tomato juice like the Partridge Family got hit by skunks and just bury it in it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a skunk made of cat pee. It's the most smell you can. You can put together into a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the smelliest we ever came up with, which was on Hobo Power, which is a unit of stink measurement. Everyone's headphones just went out.

[Dana Gould]

Dawson, we still recording?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we are. Just something's weird with the headphones. I decided a 50 in hobo power was a cat that was fed nothing but blue cheese for three weeks defecating on a white hot hibachi.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. That plume. That plume that came off of that was a 50. That was my jumping off point for. That was the middle point on my hobo. My units of stink.

[Brian Bishop]

My friends rescued a cat and somehow it pissed into their stove top. And that was the end of the stove. That was the end of the stove. You're done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When the microwave. When you forget about the microwave bag that explodes in there and burns all the kernels. That smell can only be removed by taking one of my golden nugget deuces and putting it under the lowboy cap in there and letting nature take its course.

[Brian Bishop]

Max Von Sydow has to come to your house and clean your microwave oven.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? We got some phone calls and things.

[Brian Bishop]

You talk about inventions. I go right here with Arctic Ease. I was skiing with my daughter earlier this year, and my daughter, 12 years old, says they should invent a ski glove with a pocket inside the palm to put the hand warming pad in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And I'm on the mountain going, we're rich. And never followed it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But if no one gets to that by the time I toddle on down to the patent office.

[Adam Carolla]

Great story.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, jock straps with a pocket. Front pocket for Arctic Ease pads. So you're never afraid. So if you're 12, 13 years old and you don't want to get called to the blackboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Because it hits it about 9:45 in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You're. You're good to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

A nice cold compress on the junk and you're going to the blackboard with a clear conscience confidence.

[Teresa Strasser]

And that's. And that's literally boner ease. It is easing the boner.

[Brian Bishop]

Especially the advent of sweatpants. The. The impact of sweatpants on the amount of American boys who are not properly doing math problems now is jaw dropping.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, there should be two things. I don't. I don't want to correct you, but I would just take the arctic ease wrap and I would just wrap my dong straight to them. Just right around. No. Tape it to my leg.

[Teresa Strasser]

Holster.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know what everyone should do? Everybody. Every parent and possibly grandparent listening to me.

[Dana Gould]

Guardian should.

[Adam Carolla]

Or guardian should take a quick, tasteful, just photograph of them having intercourse with the parent. You know, with each other.

[Dana Gould]

With the partner.

[Adam Carolla]

With the partner. With the mom or the dad or the grandmother, the parent guardian, whoever that is. And just give a little wallet size when the guy hits the seventh grade and just go. Look, I don't want you to show this to your friends and I don't want you to dwell on it. But if you do get called up to the chalkboard and you're going commando and you got the Air Jordan sweatpants on. Quick. Just a quick peek. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Take care of it. Every time.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll take care of it. It'll go the other way. It'll hide in your asshole.

[Teresa Strasser]

Unless it doesn't. And then you have a world full of confidence.

[Adam Carolla]

That's something we need to know about that. Then we have to have that conversation. Important.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an uncomfortable but important conversation.

[Brian Bishop]

But I remember like, like, of all the. Like Adam Sandler used to always just wear sweatpants. Like, I've never. I don't. I'm. I was born 48 years old, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not born in a cardigan. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I am not gonna walk around in sweatpants.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Unless I'm home. And I would think, like, are you just have like mind control over your bonus? I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Does anybody. I will tell you the move. At least in the jeans that works. And possibly sweatpants as well. Part of what creates the spontaneous and unwanted boner is it presses against it and sort of reminds me of like the forementioned cat Rubbing up against your shin. It's kind of when you start pressing, it starts pressing harder because that's. It's a sort of battle that goes on. Make one move. It's a quick move. You gotta slide it, got to pull it, and you got to tuck it up against your belly and get it going. Now don't let it hang out past your belt because people think you're wearing.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't have that problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what if you pulled your pants way down?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't own any pants.

[Adam Carolla]

What if it went lower than your knees even? Maybe then either way, you pull it up a. It doesn't have anything to press against. It's going the wrong way. And the blood just drains that back out of it. It'll kill a boner pretty quick.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me tell you one more thing on this line of questioning. I know you've got business to do. I was thinking this. It's sort of the same line about the photos of your parents. People who make their own sex videos. Is there nothing else on? Is there really?

[Dana Gould]

Do you think lack of choice is what's driving you?

[Brian Bishop]

That is a level of narcissism, that is. Why not film yourself dumping if we're.

[Adam Carolla]

Now there are better.

[Brian Bishop]

Even if you just want to watch people, there are better people to watch than you. There are professionals.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. But I feel the same way with the guys who got to brew their own beer. It's like the day take a hit off a Sam Adams or Sierra Nevada and go, oh, God damn this. Somebody. Can somebody stop.

[Brian Bishop]

I need a beer that I need to name Sudsley Brew right next. Now I can drink it.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to fucking Trader Joe's, there's 200 varieties of beer, all better than what you could do. And you don't have to wait for the fermentation process. And I've had roommates where it's like you hear the explosion in the middle of the night because the five gallon bucket went off in the fucking kitchen and took out part of the ceiling. And it's like, for $7, you can get the best stuff on the planet. How are you gonna do better as you're brewing it?

[Dana Gould]

You want beer like, oh, this is gonna be great in six months.

[Brian Bishop]

There was the old Jay Leno joke about how you could make apple pie with Ritz crackers. Remember that? Yeah, ritz crackers, like $4 a box. Apples are 3 cents a ton. Do we really need to.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. I feel. I mean, God bless those guys and gals, but still.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like army of microbrewers. I just feel like they're the real heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying slam heroin during the time you would have been micro brewing. I'm saying donate your time at the local Red Cross shelter or spend a little more time tossing the ball around with your kid or do push ups. Something. Anything other than this.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you think it's just clearly a hipster move?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think it's been going on for a while. It's the guy who wants to show up, by the way, when the guy hands you the bottle where the beer's sweating through and the paper's peeling off because it's scotch taped on the fucking thing. And there's a skull and crossbones that the guy did with a sharpie and his name is stenciled in it. I'm not wanting, but you have to take a hit off it because he's handing it to you. It's kind of a look what I did.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, for sure. It's like, please pin this on your. Magnetize this to your fridge.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Now that we're having my beer, let's watch me have sex.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I inwardly focused.

[Adam Carolla]

My thing is this.

[Brian Bishop]

There are other people.

[Adam Carolla]

If you would like to go to a party and impress, lose 20 pounds before you go to the party, get a job that pays quite a bit more than the last time we saw you be working on a documentary. That's very interesting. Not making your own shitty beer. That's not as good as the Sierra Nevada that's in my right hand.

[Dana Gould]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Steve, what's going on? 37 Ohio? Nothing's going on. What's going on with you guys? Talking to you, buddy. All right, so my question for you, Adam, I wanted to know since you can do comedy and you're great at acting, and if you can do comedy. Well, we haven't established I was great at acting. Well, I've established it, and all your fans have. God love you. All right. Okay. So have you ever thought about doing or been approached for doing roles in, like, drama? Maybe not like leading character roles, but, like, you know, no one's ever. No one's ever approached me to do anything. Exactly. They've approached. I've had homeless approach and ask for money. Yeah, that's. That's what I get approached to do. People want money.

[Brian Bishop]

I've had people approach me and ask me to move out of the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But never. No, I don't. No one's ever asked me to write a movie, act in their movie. I mean, not Ever. But not really. And dramatic, I'd be fine with it. I'd probably like to write it. I'd like it. I think if you can do comedy, you can do the drama. There's no doubt in my mind that Vince Vaughn could do great dramatic work because how much harder it is to do what he's doing. Because comedy, drama, we've all lived. I mean, everybody has. Anyone who's ever put their dog down and traveled to the vet and done that thing where could I have a few minutes alone with Rusty? And then you just sat there. Has done drama. Yeah. I mean, tears pouring out, you know, I mean, you'd get an award for what. If that. If we were filming that and that was. That dog was perfectly healthy, you'd get some nice notices on that. So it's like, we've all done that. We've all done the scared shitless, whatever when you just almost got into a car accident, somebody swerved in front of you, and you're like, oh, shit. And we've all done the super angry. Got into a big blowout with the wife or the girlfriend or vice versa or whatever it is. So it's like in life, you have kind of done that spectrum, but comedy you may not have done.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I acted in a drama last year. I was in a TV show called Mob City, that was a cop show with Jon Bernthal from Walking Dead. And I thought, this is going to be easy because I can, you know, I don't have to do anything. But it's actually. It's not apples and oranges, it's apples and submarines. You know, it's. Because with comedy, I know what the end result that I'm driving at is, and I know how to ring a laugh out of this if there's a laugh to be rung out of it. And with drama, it's literally. It's like you. It. It's. In a way, it's like surfing or skiing, where you have to really let go of everything you're trying to accomplish, which is not an easy thing for control freaks to do and let something happen on its own.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And. And especially with these real dramatic actors, like the. The first table read we did Dead, you know, John Brenthal has Jon Brenthal talking like this, and I'm like, well, if the mob is going to be in the oil field, we're gonna have to go in later at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The problem is there's no radio. And I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. I should have Been in. I was like a. I was like a big drag queen.

[Teresa Strasser]

Does it feel unsatisfied? Does it feel unsatisfying that there's no specific payoff? Like you said, you can wring a laugh out of it. You know what the reaction's going to be, but you don't know what the reaction is going to be. Dramatically.

[Brian Bishop]

You do, but you get it very differently. It's like when you're writing something and you don't know where you're going, and then you. Then it solves itself because you're writing it and it. It's. It's like, oh, we had. We had something there that something happened where you really do get to the point where it becomes real. And that's. It's really not interesting to talk about, but it's actually fun to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Steve.

[Brian Bishop]

Steve hung up five hours ago. Steve's gone back to his microbrewery.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think one of these days I'll write something that is more dramatic or more serious. And I like to have a little seriousness in the movies I write anyway, so it doesn't. Because it makes the comedy pay off.

[Brian Bishop]

The comedy in your movies is all the comedy. And I know in Roadheart, it all comes from the characters. I mean, you're not. You're behaving completely normally in them. I mean, that's. Basically. You're doing a dramatic role. It's just that the circumstances are. You know, it's the life of a comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're. You mean. Yeah, you're in. Except for the parts up on stage when you're doing stand up. But even then, you're kind of.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not like doing a gym. You're not, like doing a Jim Carrey spaz out performance. It's a very. It's a realistic performance. And even in the two scenes in the movie that I'm in, or the one scene in the movie that I'm in, when I'm on screen, I can't look at myself. I look down at my hands or I look over.

[Adam Carolla]

I just.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't like to look at myself on screen because it's just. To me, it's just, you know, the hideousness.

[Adam Carolla]

I look at you as attractive, but.

[Brian Bishop]

So now imagine me watching videos of me fucking someone that I make. I'm gonna keep drinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You can't look at the front of your face. Imagine looking at the back of your sack.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's sort of like. I imagine it's like video of a polar bear. I think that's the same Kindison joke.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Dana did a really nice job and road hard, by the way. He and his part was sort of.

[Dana Gould]

Dramatic in a way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, dramatic. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I was playing myself literally. It was quite literally the role I was born to play.

[Dana Gould]

You nailed it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's great, though. It's. It's. Roadhub was. You know, obviously, I wouldn't come on and say that it sucked, but it was. Take this in the spirit that I say. It was a lot better than it had to be. You know what I said? I was like. That was like. I knew it would be good. I knew it would be funny. But then I was like, oh, no. It's really about something. I was really proud to be in that. It was really great.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was really glad to have you. And. And, like, with Dana and everyone who was in it, they just sort of trusted me, which was nice. The most flattering part of life is not. Well, let me read the script first and get back to you, everybody. I asked all the folks who you recognize from roadheart. I told them what I was doing, and they said, when do you need me? Which was a really nice way for them to go about it.

[Brian Bishop]

And Kevin Hench, who directed the film, in the grips of a crippling heroin addiction.

[Adam Carolla]

We should just finally say it. Man's lost 30 pounds.

[Brian Bishop]

Kevin Entsch, people don't know, is a friend of Adam's and mine who's. He's a comedy guy. But then, like, I saw him on the hike. There's a hike near our house, and I saw him on the. And he took his shirt off, and he looked like a boxing poster from the 1800s. It's like, you're not supposed to be built like that. You're a comedy dork.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem with him. And like I said, a lot of problems. Yeah, I told him to change his frames, is he's a guy who's like, a sports fanatic, who's heterosexual. He's not. He's. He's not Jewish, and he has none of the trappings of any of the comedy anything.

[Brian Bishop]

No, he's like a real dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, they wouldn't let him let him into Largo even to watch a show, much less get up on stage.

[Brian Bishop]

Ironically, the other person that would lump into that is Chris Henchy. And one day, Brooke Shields. Brooke Shields husband.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Does all this stuff. So it's Hench and Henchy.

[Brian Bishop]

And I once called Kevin Chris when I bumped into him, and he was with his mom, and he's like, hey, it's my friend. And then I got his name wrong. That was a good moment. I was really proud of that moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's weird, but in this town, if you seem too straight and too. Anything, just too straight. Lace. Too regular, too sort of jock like, or, you know, it doesn't feel like you have a creative. You don't look creative. You don't feel creative.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did he at least have an ironic lumberjack beard?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. No, he had nothing.

[Teresa Strasser]

No plaid shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he had to do it. It's one of those things where he had to do it purely on content because they had none of the trappings of, you know. His first name wasn't Diablo. There was nothing going on in his life. No tattoos, no jewelry of any kind, no facial hair.

[Dana Gould]

But I feel like it's a choice on his part. I feel like he's choosing to go.

[Adam Carolla]

The other way, I don't think. What's the other way, though.

[Dana Gould]

No, he knows. He knows what he's doing is my point.

[Adam Carolla]

Does not.

[Brian Bishop]

He came into it through sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

So that. That's. So right away, he's approach. He came into the same room. We came into the same room through completely different worlds.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, and I have the. You know, I'm still somewhat rocked that Leonard Nimoy died.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he does.

[Brian Bishop]

Whereas I don't think. Kevin. I don't think he missed a step.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, he. He just took another step down that trail.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm. I'm still. I'm so far from the Vulcan level of pon far right now, I can't even discuss it with you people.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thanks for quantifying it for us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now when I gotta know, because I brought him up on the podcast and he may have died moments before or moments after somebody tweeted me that. But you can take him off the screen if you like. But I'm gonna hop back on phones for one second. But, yeah, Hench. Smart. Good guy to write with. Good writer, good director.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, no, that was. I. Yeah, we're not.

[Dana Gould]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Roadheart. Better than it needed to be.

[Dana Gould]

Put that on the poster.

[Brian Bishop]

The reviews are in from a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Who'S in the movie. Yep.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but. But you know what I mean by that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, no. I'm glad you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. What I mean is, it could have. You didn't have to have stories.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was. It was. It was. It's a funny movie. It's. You're getting every laugh that you think you're gonna get. And it's really fun and entertaining, but you actually get more that there's actually a real story. It's a real human story.

[Teresa Strasser]

It had more heart than you might have expected.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's. Leave it to the female species to articulate it better.

[Teresa Strasser]

My Dana to English dictionary.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much. And by the way, available on pre order. We got it on itunes. It's second to Lord of the Rings and the pre order Corral. So it's really flattering that you guys have put it that high up the ranks.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, both movies have a lot of guys without a ton of muscle tone in them.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have got Hanch in front of that camera.

[Brian Bishop]

See, he would have been like Viggo Mortensen. And I am standing aside him like his faithful and crafty hobbit sidekick.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you should do as I. As I think about it, because I can't stand looking at myself either. But I don't look at myself like I'm looking at myself. I just look at myself. Is this is a movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That this guy's in. And I'm gonna try to watch this guy. So I don't get quite as. Otherwise, I think my head would explode.

[Brian Bishop]

When I do stand up on a talk show. Like I'm on Conan in a week or two and when I'm backstage waiting to go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's like the only time that I would get nervous because there's nothing to do but wait. And you think when that curtain parts, I'm gonna be the only thing on TV for five minutes. Yeah, that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. That is the hardest part is they always come get you much earlier than they need you. And then you just. When you're in your dressing room, you know, you're sort of Robert De Niro in Raging Bull after you got fat.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

In front of the mirror, throwing a few air punches. You're feeling okay. And then they go, we need you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they come get you and they walk you around and then they stand you by there and they go, okay, here's what's going to happen. Cohen's going to see your name. Curtain's going to open. Step to the left. Walk forward. There was always something like, there's one little caveat. You know, there's a hooker's body out there. Step over. There was like the first step. There's a step right at the front. Be careful. They do a thing. And then they make you just stand there, stand there. And then they just stand there and There's a mirror there, by the way, so you can look at yourself standing there.

[Brian Bishop]

And then I think this. When was the last time I put. Oh, my God. Until I started doing this, when I. I would think I will. I'll pretend that I'm like, what was. What did Johnny Carson do, like, when he was waiting to go on? Or what did. Like, when George Carlin would go on the Tonight show in the 70s when he looked like he literally was in the middle of talking to somebody and he just walked on stage, right? Like, as an afterthought, right? And all I'll do is I'll just preoccupy myself with wondering how somebody else would react. And that kills the.

[Teresa Strasser]

And they've called your name eight times and you heard your scenarios.

[Adam Carolla]

I always do the. I always just stand there for a long period of time. And you stand there, stand there. And then you'll decide, I need a hit of water. I need some water. Like, also need water. You're standing in air conditioning and you're like, I'm getting a dry mouth. I got to get some water. Then you get some water and you take a hit and you like, screw the cap back on. You put away. And then like 11 seconds later you go, I need another hit of water. You unscrew the cap. The cap. There should be a thing in a cap or once it goes on and off, like 15 times in under a minute. There should be a little, who you kidding? Voice that comes out of it. Like, leave it off, douchebag. You're just fucking wearing me out. Like, turn it and put it back on. What you set it on is the inside of the flat. The one by threes that are skinned with Luan, or I'll think of, yeah, Luan on the other side. But on your side, they're perfect little water bottle shelves. And you just set it there and that's like one more hit. And then you stand there and then you go, is my nose running? I'm making a little sweat. I feel like I'm getting a little sweat on my lip and my nose. I feel like my nose is running a little bit. Then I'll get the. And then that's when the.

[Brian Bishop]

What if I'm gay? What if I'm gay? And it hits me right when I go on stage and I say it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what it was with Nimoy is when we did the show on Thursday or Friday or whenever we're doing it at, somebody brought up a song or something like that, and I seen.

[Dana Gould]

It talking about the racist poetry. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, Artie was talking about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I said, should be narrated by Leonard Niemi. And that when we're doing that show with Artie about that time on. About that day, I think he may have been expiring.

[Brian Bishop]

That happened to me with Charlton Heston. I was on stage doing a bit about Charlton Heston. I walked off stage and somebody held up their phone. He had. The news had broken while I was talking about him. I don't know when he passed, but the news broke as I was passing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. The aforementioned Road Hard. Maya Angelou is brought up in that movie and Robin Williams is brought up in that movie as well in a very small period of time. And they died right after we got done with that. Two people had been around for quite some time.

[Dana Gould]

Good job.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thanks.

[Brian Bishop]

That you weren't thinking that you. That weren't on, like, the. On the. On the. On the soon to depart list, right.

[Adam Carolla]

That. That wasn't on any. That neither one of them was on anyone.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like when I. It's. There's. There's that school of people. They announced that they're dead. And you did. You had no idea they were still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Shirley Temple is like that, Michelle.

[Brian Bishop]

Shirley Temple, yeah. Jack Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

He's been alive all this time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got Richard Dawson on that one, which is. I think he's still alive, but I never. I don't think he is. All right, well, then, you see, that's my point again.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't. But we're not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One could never.

[Brian Bishop]

The surviving members of the Star Trek cast and the surviving members of the who should just tour together.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Shall we do. Should we do.

[Brian Bishop]

I like Pete Townsend very much, but I don't like Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. I did Celebrity Apprentice with him and I was like, well, you know, when you've been in a Japanese internment. Japanese American internment. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's an internment camp filled with Japanese people. I'm sorry. I didn't put the American in front of it.

[Dana Gould]

Japanese American.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's like, we want to build a museum for the Japanese. And I'd be like, here. We're trying to raise money for the museum for the Japanese internment. America. Okay, sorry.

[Teresa Strasser]

Trying to help him.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to help you. Damn.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. He's.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna shorten your name even more in about 10 seconds. Bitch.

[Dana Gould]

Careful, George. He'll mention you in his next movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I'M getting close to just lopping off part of the Japanese.

[Brian Bishop]

He had this big thing about. I really do believe that it's time that Ikaru Sulu got promoted. Like, no, because he's not real. He shouldn't have his own starship. He's a fictitious character.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. I never.

[Brian Bishop]

Bart Simpson doesn't ever have to go to high school and Sulu doesn't have to get promoted.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point. By the way. Dana Gould. Two Emmys for the Simpsons. We talked about it a little bit. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

For people who think that the Emmys are important, I'd like to remind you I have too.

[Dana Gould]

That's an ironic statement because I would give you a good baker's dozen for your work on the Simpsons. I know what you mean. It's self deprecating.

[Brian Bishop]

It doesn't, but it does. None of those shows.

[Dana Gould]

I know it silly could go either way, but I'm glad I have them.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to think of some of my favorite episodes and we talked about Homer stealing cable as one of my favorite ones. Whatever the rancho related axo one was. As Marge takes it. Whatever. There's a couple.

[Brian Bishop]

Leonard Nimoy is in my favorite Simpsons episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I was gonna ask you. What is your favorite Simpsons episode?

[Brian Bishop]

I believe it's called last night to Springfield. It's Conan O'Brien wrote it. It was the monorail. To me, that was the first. And that was very. Phil Hartman is the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Third or fourth season.

[Adam Carolla]

The music man kind of thing, right? Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Is that Phil Hartman?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. The cap came off my soda can. Here, use my pen knife. My good man monorail. And that was really the one that just really sort of left the atmosphere and became something really truly amazing. And yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a great episode.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a great episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Homer tries to become morbidly obese to get out of work.

[Brian Bishop]

I think I worked on that one.

[Teresa Strasser]

They rub the fried food on the paper and if it's clear, you can eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Bird flies into the wall. Yeah. That's your mattress. Magic window. Yeah. What are you doing? Washing my fat guy hat. His fat guy hat.

[Brian Bishop]

There's another great episode that I that was written while I was there and it's called the parent rap. And it's where Marge and Homer are handcuffed together because of a false accusation of child abuse. And we had a judge named judge Constance Harmony. It was played by Jane Kaczmarek. And at one point, Homer and Marge go to her house because they need to talk to her. And it's late at night, and George Meyer wrote this line. George Meyer or Mike Scully wrote it. It was one of the two guys. And Homer looks in the window, and he just goes, look at her in there washing her body. It just kills me.

[Adam Carolla]

Marge versus the monorail is Marge versus Monroe. Yeah, I know. I always think I give.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not Last Exit to Springfield.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And he worked there.

[Brian Bishop]

That is another episode, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It's just not written by Conan.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When.

[Dana Gould]

Thanks again, Internet.

[Brian Bishop]

No, don't take my word for it. When I barely know the name of my own episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

When. When Marge went to Rancho Relaxo to. To unwind, Barney, like, came by to help them take care of Maggie and the kids and stuff like that. And certain point, Barney got drunk and kind of passed out on the kitchen floor. And the Homer came in the next day, and Barney was, like, passed out on the kitchen floor, and he's like, oh. Oh. He's like. He was so uncomfortable. Like, oh, my back sore. And then as he got up, he pulled out this conch shell that he had been sleeping on. This huge, pointed conch shell. And it was like. It was so random that that would be on a kitchen. In a kitchen on a floor, that it would get underneath the fat guy, that. That he would sleep between that and the linoleum the whole time.

[Brian Bishop]

There was a time when Barney got sober, and it was like that Sulu needs. Sulu needs a promotion, and Barney should get sober. And then Barney was sober, and we just went like, why the fuck is he sober?

[Adam Carolla]

This blows, right?

[Brian Bishop]

It was such, like, how do we get him back on the sauce without, like, bumming everybody out?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Homer. Sorry. Bart builds the soapbox Derby Racer was a good one, too. Very good one. And Homer adopts the sort of big brother, little Catholic big brother thing was a really good episode, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. Well, the helper monkey, too, is another Homer. Pray for Mojo is another great.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Unfinished Business, starring Vince Vaughn. Coming out in theaters. That is Friday. That is March 6th. And Vince never disappoints. Whatever he's in, I'm in. I watch. I'll stare at him the whole time. I don't care. Sometimes I even have to do that thing with the weenie wrap.

[Brian Bishop]

Please don't mix up the sponsors.

[Dana Gould]

Please don't mix up the sponsors.

[Adam Carolla]

I just think he's a great comedic actor. And I thought I'd tell you a little about one of the more bizarre are stories for me. For me.

[Dana Gould]

Business travel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was trying to think about, oh.

[Dana Gould]

Do you travel for business?

[Adam Carolla]

Get out of town every once in a while.

[Dana Gould]

Should make a movie about it, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. About being on the road. I don't know. I mean, every comedian's got a horrible travel story. For me, I gotta say, the time I was sharing the room with Kimmel.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And we were sharing the room.

[Brian Bishop]

Period. Period is a bad story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was. It was. We were way out. We were in Seattle, but we were way out of town. I mean, it was a good half hour before we got to town. There's so much, you know, people. When people know, you don't know. And by the way, kind of before the Internet, when they'd say, we're putting you up in Seattle, you know, we're sending you.

[Brian Bishop]

I know exactly where you're sending. I know exactly where.

[Adam Carolla]

Right next to the Space New Kirkland. You're going out to Seattle to the Final Four. And then you're pitching yourself like, atop the Space Needle with Elvis and singing. You know what I mean? Like you're picturing yourself drinking a microbrew with a bald eagle on your shoulder and Elvis to your left, and you're on the Space Needle or Mount Rainier or something. But now you're in Kirkland watching your million.

[Brian Bishop]

It usually has the name of an animal and the name of the city. Usual. Well, you're actually in Deer Meadow.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me tell you, bad times in terms of accommodations. When you share a parking lot with a Kwik e Mart or 711 Circle Kids. There's some when the same parking lot is used by your building and the 7 11, and then you're on the first floor. So it's like when the headlights come through to park, they come in, into your room and when the owner fires.

[Dana Gould]

Off a shotgun, you hear that too.

[Teresa Strasser]

They didn't afford you blackout curtains either.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. But it's all right. We had to get up at like 4:15 and drive to do morning radio anyway, because we're 40 minutes out of town. But Jimmy took a shower that morning first. And then the plumbing was so bad in the place that when I got in, it was about 14 inches of water in the tub. And then I got in and I was trying to take my shower. And I got about four minutes of my shower. And he did the knock on the hollow core bathroom door. And he goes, you may want to be careful in that water. I took care of a little business before I stepped out. And I was just like. I have no idea whether he's telling the truth. I don't know if he was effing with me. I had no idea what was going. But stanning and another man's soup iceberg dead ahead. Not what you want. Should we do a little news?

[Teresa Strasser]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it.

[Dana Gould]

I have a new news song whipped up by Mike lynch and Rich Banks and it's based off of, well, the storage unit told a couple of days ago about a play she was in. Here's the song.

[Adam Carolla]

Give you the news with grad. News with Gina Grad. Show bids, Congress Tech news Sports news, World news. Give me news with Gina Grad. We're out of Florida. Sex surveys. Obama meet News with Gina Gina the news with Gina Grad.

[Teresa Strasser]

Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not nice.

[Brian Bishop]

That's not an inexpensive thing either.

[Teresa Strasser]

That was great. Well, as you know, Leonard Nimoy passed away. I thought I could just give you a little more information about that. He was 83 and his wife Susan Bay Nimoy told the New York Times that the actor died from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease which he had had for a while. He was hospitalized last week for chest pains, but then he was released.

[Dana Gould]

Is that just heart disease? I don't know what that.

[Adam Carolla]

I assume smoking related lung something. I don't know. It's great that we're living in a time when a guy dies well after his 80th birthday and we're like kids don't engage in this activity. It's like seemed like it worked okay to you, old millionaire. Well, this is totally. I mean, yeah. Someone who would have got hold of an 11 year old Leonard Nimoy in 1931.

[Dana Gould]

You will die, beloved 83 year old.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you, would you sign that? Would you take that?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's a good deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's fair few wars that broke out in that time and lots of people getting run over by trolley cars. So not too shabby.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you're right. Well, you know, he gained fame of course, as Spock and he did eight other Star Trek movies. Dozens of multimedia adaptions. Now I can't believe this is right. And I actually should have checked this twice because it sounds so weird. Did you know he directed Three Men? Three Men and a Baby? Yes, it's bizarre.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard. I don't know why, you know. Well, there's a couple things. We are so concretely wired. We're like, how could Spock direct three actors? He's not even from this planet. You know what I mean? But we don't think that concretely. But There is a part of us that's like, why? How could he do that? How could he. Well, he's an actor who has 50 years experience.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not an idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

He's an intelligent guy. He's not strung out on heroin. And by the way, those kind of movies taken from the guy who co directed comedy not too long ago, not that difficult to sort of position guys.

[Teresa Strasser]

Tell Steve Guttenberg where to stand.

[Brian Bishop]

He also directed Star Trek 3 and Star Trek IV.

[Teresa Strasser]

Great.

[Dana Gould]

Star Trek IV is a really good movie. I know you're not a nerdy orsga. That's the whale one. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Star Trek Free Willy crossovers.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's a good one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, well, ufc. I don't know if you guys saw this. UFC bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey beat her opponent Kat Zingano Saturday night. And that's not even the crazy part.

[Brian Bishop]

Now that what would be great is if her opponent was Leonard Nimoy. And that's how he died. 83 year old, but wanted to get in the ring.

[Dana Gould]

Died to him. They loved.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a competitor 14 seconds into the.

[Brian Bishop]

Match, bludgeoned to death.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is what's so amazing. Like you said, she finished the fight in a record 14 seconds, making that a record for any UFC title bout. It was her 11th straight win, her fifth time defending her title, and her ninth win via armbar. And here's how it went down.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the scariest guy in the ring is always the ref in when it comes to UFC via.

[Brian Bishop]

What's the via arm bar?

[Adam Carolla]

Armbar is bending your arm a direction that you don't want it to bend and it's over. That's that she used to train. By the way, her mom's a jiu jitsu expert and I was in the first, I don't know, whoever American to win or whatever in the Olympics or something like that. And her mom, like the Pink Panther and Cato would come up behind her like when she was young and try to get her in an armbar grapple. Yeah. Later on when she hit her teen years and was having sex with her new boyfriend, it became weird and uncomfortable. But like her mom with like sneak up on her, come up behind her and she'd like, you know, try to slide out of it. And she just trained her that way.

[Brian Bishop]

I do love. And there's a couple stories like a guy tries to mug or like a guy tries to.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always the best story, like a.

[Brian Bishop]

Black belt guy and they just get my favorite thing to me My favorite thing on the Internet is Jay Lee beating up the pimp. I'm sure you've seen that. Oh, no, there's a. You can look it up. Jay Lee is a very famous karate expert. And what happened was he was giving a self defense seminar at a police department. Like he was. You know, everybody comes in and across the street, a pimp is beating up one of his girls. And this is all on video because there's a security camera at the corner of the police station. So he walks out across the street and tells him to knock it off. The guy charges him. Him. And he just looks and he just. No, he just drops him. Flick of the hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Brian Bishop]

Flick of the hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Drops him and then just looks up at the security camera and shrugs.

[Adam Carolla]

They're brazen move.

[Dana Gould]

Beating up your hooker outside the police department.

[Brian Bishop]

Beating up a pimp. Just like.

[Dana Gould]

No, the pimp. Brazen move.

[Adam Carolla]

Beating up on the woman outside of police department.

[Brian Bishop]

Pimps are brazen. I don't know if you know anything about this.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, and she's trying to hold him back. Hasn't he done enough?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well, she likes him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Now watch this.

[Adam Carolla]

This is amazing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Stockholm syndrome.

[Dana Gould]

He backhanded him very casually.

[Brian Bishop]

Good night.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing. Well, Dana, I would say this. Two things I would say. I'm not sure. I feel like his. His hoe was given as good as she was getting in terms of the pimp. And yes, it turns out the other guy's pimp hand was stronger. Turned out to be his left.

[Brian Bishop]

Watch this. He can't even.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the guy can't walk. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, slide whistle music.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, it also seems like that pimp may have had a little crevassier before he engaged in this behavior.

[Brian Bishop]

You'll notice it, but he wasn't formed. He isn't. If you look, he's in a cab. He's not driving.

[Adam Carolla]

He's being responsible. He's being a very responsible dude. The guy, if you watch. The karate guy did a very nice move, which is he stood in an orthodox stance. He cocked his right fist and pulled it back. Like, don't come any closer. And then whacked him with his left. Which is why you don't want to fight. With guys who fight, their left hand is good.

[Dana Gould]

Distracted them.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys who don't fight, you only have to worry about that right hand. The guys who do. I never even noticed that he held his right hand low and out. So if you. If you freeze it right. There you go. Okay. He's displaying his right Hand. And he's showing the guy's right hand. He's like jiggling keys for drunken large black baby. And he's saying, look, look over here, look over here. And then he goes with his weak hand and goes upside his head with the close hand, which the guy was not looking at. That's why I knocked him out.

[Brian Bishop]

It seems like a bad habit.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. Nice. Sorry, where were we?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I could watch this all day.

[Brian Bishop]

And by the way, it's really satisfying.

[Teresa Strasser]

We talked to Ronda Rousey on the morning show and she says she has won fights in four seconds. So she's pretty fucking amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, it's great because she's one of the angriest stares I've ever seen in my life. And then the other. It's kind of interesting. Dan, I don't know if you're single. I don't know if Rhonda's single, but I mean, I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

She's my wife's. My ex wife has won arguments in under 14.

[Adam Carolla]

It is interesting. I was thinking about the dynamic of living with someone, dating someone, or being married to someone who can kick your ass. Now women live with this, but I've never experienced it. I mean, I've had shit kicked down by my bodies all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

We didn't know. And that's. And this is the amazing thing. And until the book 50 Shades of Gray, we didn't know how much they loved it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, big fan.

[Dana Gould]

Begging for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Turns out they need it.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes you just meet a regular off the street billionaire with a St. Andrew's crossroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone see that movie?

[Teresa Strasser]

I did.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, Jenna did. Mercy talked about it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Such a boring piece of shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, here's the thing. I didn't see the movie, but it's a movie about a thing that it can't show you.

[Adam Carolla]

Exact.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

And you can only see this, the thing that it can't show you. You can only see if you have a phone or computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Then you can see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. So, I mean, you understand there's room in everyone's Netflix queue for your nine and a half weeks kind of stuff. Because that's erotic, but it's something. Something else.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, some things aren't. The other thing, you know, sometimes a book is just the book and a movie is a good movie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my son.

[Dana Gould]

Sometimes a thing is just a thing.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's like Ferrari's piano would make a great lamp. No, it's a piano.

[Dana Gould]

It's a hit piano. Let's Turn it into a lamp.

[Adam Carolla]

What else we got?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, a woman named Sarah will be on the Dr. Phil show on Tuesday explaining why she sent $1.4 million to a man she fell in love with online. And also, of course, asking Dr. Phil to help her meet this supposed Italian man named Chris Wilson. According to Sarah, Chris made several attempts to go to the US to see her, but keeps getting falsely accused and arrested for money laundering. Sarah says she's 95% sure that Chris is legit, and he promises to pay her back all of the money. Here's a clip of Sarah explaining why she's so in love with this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

She never met him.

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Dr. Phil's gonna have fucking field day with this one.

[Brian Bishop]

And she has that kind of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't we always feel like all Dr. Phil does is overstate the obvious and super slow and sing songy fashion?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What you gotta do. If I had a daughter, I would not in any way, shape or form encourage her to sell her home and her car and clear out her savings account and send it clear across the world to someone she's never met before.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you know how he draw at the obvious?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a jury. Yeah. Prep guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he was pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how you met Oprah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he met Oprah. Cause Oprah had to win a court case, so she hired him to pick a nice jury for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Isn't it like Dr. Demento, Dr. Phil, or is he.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I'm sure he's like, you know Dr. William H. Cosby.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

He is a chemist.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he studied some sort of human behavior thing or something so we could figure out what the outcome of the trial was gonna be before we had the trial.

[Brian Bishop]

But I don't think he's a trained psychotherapist now.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll see. The. We gotta get him together with Nancy Grace.

[Dana Gould]

Do we?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Ye. So they can just sit down.

[Dana Gould]

You got him on a rickety helicopter.

[Adam Carolla]

Have them overstate the obvious.

[Brian Bishop]

Nancy Grace, the missing link between woman and raccoon.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is why Sarah's so in love.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Lynette Carolla]

Chris has a way with words. He'll say, how is my queen doing today? Or he'll say, how is my flower today? I hope she's been watered. He's very poetic when he talks. Talks to me. He's just spectacular. Chris and I have discussed getting married. I believe Chris does consider me his wife. Chris will make a comment like, Mrs. Olsen, I love you, and I can't wait to be with you again. I've actually never met Chris in person, but I am definitely in love with Chris.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Flower that needs to be potato at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I guarantee this by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

She loves Chris. And carbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Somewhere, this woman's in pain. Somewhere, rolling over in their grave is a guy who worked for 41 years on the fire department who saved every nickel and then died from a massive coronary at age 59. And the $1.4 million is all he left behind. To the carb cruncher over here who's cruising young cock online.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we can only hope.

[Teresa Strasser]

She said she's had to sell some of her apartment buildings. I guess She's a landlord, and she just. She says she's probably wired him money over a thousand times because she believes it's love.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why in my will, I want to be buried with my wife's vagina. I don't want her out there partying, spending my money.

[Dana Gould]

She's still alive. But you're dead. You want that part of her with you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'll be gone.

[Dana Gould]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll have a couple of nice cars and a wad of cash. That's fine. Yeah. I just don't want you out there partying.

[Dana Gould]

I gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

Meeting dudes on the Internet. I think it's just prudent.

[Dana Gould]

It's reasonable.

[Adam Carolla]

It's reasonable.

[Teresa Strasser]

She'd probably volunteer to give it to.

[Adam Carolla]

You if she was. You know what? I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't volunteer to give me their vagina to be buried with. Right?

[Dana Gould]

It's definitely outside the box.

[Brian Bishop]

So what I'm getting out of that. What I'm getting from you is closed Captain Casket.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're going cremation. I don't want any grave robbers.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam looked. They did a good job on Adam, but I have to say, vagina was fantastic. Yeah, I thought it was just. It was. It was tucked into the bouquet of lies, so it was.

[Teresa Strasser]

When's the last time you saw labia like that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

When was the last time you saw labia like that in a coffin? Here's your answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Never confused, folks. Weird. Volume. Oh. All right, let's do one more.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that an orchid? Of a type.

[Teresa Strasser]

The AP reports that a West Virginia man faces charges of shooting his children with BB guns to discipline them.

[Brian Bishop]

I've been shot with a BB gun.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'll want you to wait. Oh, there he is. I want you to weigh in on this. I love his shirt. The children are 6, 9, and 13 years old. Police say all three kids were taken to the hospital for treatment. Majewski, I believe his name is Ralph, is being charged with child abuse, abuse, serious bodily injury and domestic battery. He's being held for 120 grand and jail officers didn't know whether he has an attorney at this point because.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this, Freewheeler. Everyone thinks I'm the worst person on the planet when I say this, but I. Today while the kids were out seeing a movie, McFarlane seeing Costner's new movie, which is supposed to be good while they're out, as I walk past their bathroom, of course the fart fan had been running and had been running for two hours since they're gone. And then I'll go into like Sonny's bedroom and the space heater will be running and then I'll walk into the kitchen and I'll see the sack of chips that is gaping wide open.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nary a chip clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I've had the conversation on the fart fan and on the ceiling fan and on the oil heater and on the bag of chips or bag of almonds. Wrap it up to put it over, it's a fold it over, do whatever. I've had that conversation 1300 times and I'll probably have it another 26,000 times before they move out of the house. Probably before they leave the house. The last fucking thing they'll do is turn on the fart fan and open a bag of chips and then leave. But one well placed BB and I do feel like problem solved.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, people come down on me for saying this, but I'll say it again. Not all of your children are supposed to survive.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know what I was expecting.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying one shot in the ass.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why the female body can recover after birth. If it was just one, normally you guys, it would just, you would go inside out like, like husked corn.

[Adam Carolla]

You're making me happy. Don't romanticize.

[Brian Bishop]

I, I. Look, the term vaginal cornhusker is thrown about willy nilly.

[Teresa Strasser]

Love that band. So you think this guy is a bit of a pioneer in childrearing?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying I would like to hear more details because I'm telling you as a parent once shot my son's ass with that BB gun. It's not gonna leave a scar.

[Dana Gould]

Shot him in the eye. He probably shot him in the ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna get that fart fan shut off before he goes and sees the next Costner film. That's all I'M saying I agree. Look, there's a thing where if your kid. Dr. Drew will say, Dr. Drew hates putting your hands. No switches, no hitting kids doing anything like that. And I can't. It's not in me. It's not in me to punch a woman. It's not in me to hit my kid. It's not in me. I can't physically do it. But he says, if your kid goes out and runs across the street, doesn't look right or left, and just goes sprinting out the front yard and running the street, you can give them a whack. That's good for them. I mean, get their attention.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if they don't run in the street as he did, as much as turn the fucking fart fan off, I'm like, I'm gonna flat, kid. Pretty soon, whack with the belt gets the attention. And then I'll never condones that.

[Brian Bishop]

I swatted my daughter in the butt. She was going upstairs, and we were just like, okay, so go on. Go up. Get up there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Good game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And she's like, you hit me. I was like, no, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Teresa Strasser]

You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina. Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the news with Gina Grad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, last call. Hey. Oh, hey, Evan. Evan. 32, Cincinnati. Yeah, thanks for taking my call. Adam. Good. You got a question about the i8, the BMW plug in a lot electric car. I was wondering if you had seen it. And I saw it on Top Gear, and it showed an app for your smartphone where you can turn on the car's air conditioning just from the app on the smartphone. And I was wondering if you had seen any other cars that had it yet, because I've heard you complain. Yes. About not being able to do this tons of times. And I was wondering if you knew. Is it because it's a hybrid and it has an electric motor? Is that what allowed it to kick on and run off the electric motor? Well, first off, Germans are better than us. They're simultaneously better than everyone and way worse at the same time. Yeah. And they don't hang out in the middle.

[Dana Gould]

They go high, low.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like I said, look at a German guy. He'll be wearing a great pair of suede shoes and have great frames on his glasses. Everything in between's no good.

[Teresa Strasser]

Mess.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the bottom and the top where the Germans really excel.

[Brian Bishop]

They're doing great shooting just below a pair of plaid shorts.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right And a jaunty scarf.

[Brian Bishop]

With a button up shirt tucked into the shorts, by the way. Fun fact. Not everyone realizes if you tuck your shirt into shorts, you are a child molester.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Let's not let that happen.

[Brian Bishop]

That's how they tell.

[Dana Gould]

That's a fun fact.

[Adam Carolla]

But great frames, they always have great frames. Frames. I love this idea because I've said we were on Carcast. We'll show you. We tried a car we used. It was a. You can pull it up, Gary. It's a Rolls Royce Wraith, I think it was called $400,000. It's so weird to drive around a car that's $400,000. It feels like it, but anyway, it's insane. But that car probably doesn't have this option. But let me explain what would happen if I bought the BMW i8. I'd be coming out of the Costco in Burbank and the dog days of middle of June, August, July, somewhere, some dog day of summer, maybe September. Middle of September out here in Los Angeles is a bitch. I'd be walking up to it and I'd think, you know what? I'm going to turn the air on right now. I'm going to hit this button on my iPhone. I got an app, I'm going to hit a button. We'll get the air blowing through the seats, we'll turn the air on. It'll crack the window a little bit and it'll be nice and cool when I get up to it. And I'd hit it and it'd be like that scene in Casino. I just hit it in the car, blow up. That's how I am with technology. I would fuck it up. I'd hit the wrong button. Somehow. I wouldn't even know why they had an explosion button on there. But somehow that's me in technology. I would hit the fucking thing and it just be like the beginning and the end.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And then they call your wife and she's like. She's like, there's his car exploded. Oh, he is okay. Oh, thank God. I thought I was gonna have to cut my vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

He wasn't in it. Bullet dodge.

[Dana Gould]

All right, that does it for today's Pro Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for all new installment. Until then.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello.

[Dana Gould]

And get it on.