Illeana Douglas + Tracy Morgan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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The Adam Carolla Show: Illeana Douglas + Tracy Morgan (Carolla Classics)

Date: October 5, 2025
Episode Focus: A ‘Carolla Classics’ edition featuring throwback interviews and segments with comedian Tracy Morgan, actress/writer Ileana Douglas, and race car driver/Bachelor alum Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Tone: Classic Adam—unfiltered, playful, deeply observational, and irreverently funny.

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Episode Overview

This Adam Carolla Show “Classics” episode showcases highlights from two particularly engaging guest interviews: Tracy Morgan (from 2013), and Ileana Douglas, with additional segments featuring Arie Luyendyk Jr. and co-host Allison Rosen. The episode blends Adam’s signature observational rants, candid discussions of pop culture, comedy, parenting, nostalgia, and insightful dives into the entertainment industry. It’s a tapestry of unrestrained wit, beneath-the-surface wisdom, and playful banter.

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Key Segments, Insights & Highlights

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1. Tracy Morgan Interview (Starts ~01:36)

Setting the Stage

• Tracy dials in to promote his “Excuse My French” comedy tour, reflecting on life after 30 Rock and his journey in comedy and sobriety.

Highlights & Key Quotes

• Life after 30 Rock:

  • Tracy: “I’ve been sober for seven years, man. I’m a homebody now...I don’t hang out. Still have a good time, but I don’t drink.” (05:41)
  • Adam praises 30 Rock: “History will be very kind to that show...years from now, when they’re talking about TV writing, people will study that show.” (03:00)
  • Tracy: “Tina [Fey] had my voice...she let me fly over the cuckoo’s nest every Thursday night.” (03:17)

• Comedy Heroes & Imitations

  • Adam notes how more people imitate Tracy: “Must feel good everyone wants to do you now!” (04:53)
  • Tracy: “Yeah, it’s flattering. Who would’ve ever thunk it, you know?” (05:02)

• On Sobriety & Fatherhood

  • Tracy: “I’ve been sober for seven years, man...My lady’s seven months pregnant...That’s priority, everything.” (08:32)
  • Comedy about age and kids: “My kids’ ages range from 28 to unborn.” (08:56)
  • Classic Morgan: “We use sex as a sedative in the ghetto. Ease the pain of poverty.” (09:01)

• Standup, Creativity, & Superstition

  • Tracy (on future projects): “I’m superstitious about that stuff, man...I don’t like to talk about what’s on the horizon because nothing is promised.” (06:15)
  • On returning to basics: “I’m writing a lot. I’m happy to be hearing my voice. For seven seasons I was doing somebody else’s voice.” (06:50)
  • Dreams extend beyond comedy: “I even wanna be a sports agent like Jay-Z. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be pimping.” (07:12)

• Comedy’s Social Role & Censorship (Key theme, ~12:11)

  • Tracy thanks Adam for defending him after a controversy: “I saw when that thing happened in Tennessee, you went on TV. What you said was dope...you can’t hold comedians to the same standard as a president or teacher.”
  • Adam’s classic riff: “If you’re asking a comic about his mother-in-law and he says, ‘She’s an angel,’ there’s no laughter. You gotta say, ‘That fat c*nt, I hope she’s dead!’” (13:00)
  • On PC culture and comedy’s necessity:
    • Tracy: “PC has no place in comedy.” (13:04)
    • Adam: “Comedians are supposed to talk. You silence comedians...that’s their job, don’t silence comedians.”
    • Tracy: “If you don’t like comedy, stay home, make it a blockbuster night...Red Rocky 5.” (14:17)

• Touching on Family & Upbringing

  • Honest laughs about poverty, early fatherhood (Tracy’s first kid at 17), and generational struggles—but always with warmth.

Timestamped Highlights

• 03:00 — Reflecting on 30 Rock and TV writing
• 05:41 — Sobriety and being a homebody
• 07:12 — Aspirations, family, and priorities
• 12:11 — On comedians, social standards & freedom of speech

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2. Adam & Team Banter: Comedy, PC Culture & Parenting (16:03–38:43)

• Adam and co-hosts riff on:
  • How Alec Baldwin, like Angelina Jolie, broke free of ‘leading man/lady’ typecasting to become a true character actor.
  • The insanity of policing what comedians say compared to other professions.
  • Parental guilt and modern parenting: Adam vents about the pressure to be present at every school event, the invisibility of “providing,” and the mismatch between old and new family dynamics.
    • “Making money...doesn’t count for shit anymore. I might as well say I’m going to the lodge to beat off and play foosball.” (36:20)

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3. Pop Culture, TV & Hollywood Observations

• On TV production sanitization:

  • Adam shares stories about the networks refusing to let his characters smoke, drink, or show any “negative” behavior on sitcoms—even when reflecting reality.
    • “Are we able to admit that some people smoke?...Then this will be one of them.” (20:40)

• Industry rants continue around:

  • The illogical approach to “presentability” in writing/directing.
  • Absurd rules about depicting vice and diversity in representation.

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4. Arie Luyendyk Jr. Interview & Loving Banter (49:46+)

Racing & the Indy Connection

• Ari talks about stadium super truck racing and following in his Indy 500 champion father’s footsteps.
  • “To go down that front straight and just see all the people. It’s pretty intense...nothing like it.” (51:08)
  • Adam marvels at why U.S. motorsports never reached the rockstar status it has in Europe.

From The Bachelorette to Super Trucks

• Arie discusses transitioning from racing to reality TV: “I was struggling to find money for IndyCar...then the Bachelorette opportunity came up and I was like, hell yeah, free vacation.” (59:11)

On-stage Spark: Setting Up Arie & Jenna

• Adam, in matchmaker mode, pushes banter between Arie and Jenna, a PR rep traveling with him.
  • Jenna, age 21, confesses she’s open for a date: “Yeah, absolutely.”
  • Adam to Arie: “You sure like Jenna, right?” — “Yeah, she’s adorable.”
  • Adam relishes setting up “good-looking people” for the benefit of the gene pool: “You want to breed them. It’s a eugenics thing. That’s why Angelina and Brad are so satisfying together.” (77:47–78:53)
• Ends in semi-joking agreement to a group date—playful, easy camaraderie for the show.

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5. Ileana Douglas Interview (Starts ~101:17 / 1:41:17)

Hollywood Stories & Film Critique

• Ileana, an accomplished actress and TCM host, shares stories about casting Casino, nudging Scorsese to include James Woods, Don Rickles, and Kevin Pollak.
  • “I suggested James Woods...I was crazy obsessed with James Woods!” (141:17)
• Discussion of “Second Looks” on TCM, putting a spotlight on overlooked or cult favorite films.

On “Crazy” in Hollywood

• Adam and Ileana joke about “service dog” privilege (“I pioneered crazy!”), and the competitive escalation of “crazy” credentials in Hollywood.

• Adam: “You go, ‘Don’t expect too much, I’m crazy.’ But you’re not really that crazy—maybe it’s a crutch.”

• Ileana: “I don’t honestly think I’m that crazy, but I do think I’m a little neurotic.” (151:30)

Hilarious Dog Story

• Adam recounts a barking-mad saga about being accused of losing a girlfriend’s dog named Sushi/Tushi while at a boxing gym—a classic Carolla idiosyncratic tale.

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6. Miscellaneous Riffs & The News (throughout episode, especially 81:08+, 157:34+)

• Rants on school “appreciation” overkill and the absurdity of over-organized parental involvement: “Everything’s an event now. There’s nothing but events.”
• On teacher gifts, school supply drives, and the emotional inflation of responsibility (“It takes courage to raise your kid”): Adam rails against how obligation is reframed as “heroism.”
  • “It’s not courage. It’s your kid. You have to take care of him. It’s called an obligation.”
• Timely Social/Political Snippets:
  • O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing (“prison is the one place you really let yourself go”).
  • IRS scandals and Adam’s perennial call for a simple flat tax (“Pay the 30%, if you make under 40 grand, you pay nothing, and we move on”).
  • “Click it or Ticket” PSAs as a waste of government attention (“Do you even know ANYONE who doesn’t wear a seatbelt?”).

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Most Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “PC has no place in comedy.” – Tracy Morgan (13:04)
• “If you don’t like comedy, stay home, make it a Blockbuster night...Red Rocky 5.” – Tracy Morgan (14:17)
• “Making money doesn’t count for shit anymore; I might as well say I’m going to the lodge to beat off and play foosball.” – Adam Carolla (36:20)
• “You want to breed them. That’s why Angelina and Brad are so satisfying together.” – Adam Carolla (77:47)
• “It’s not courage. It’s your kid. You have to take care of him.” – Adam Carolla (132:50)
• “I pioneered crazy. I invented crazy.” – Ileana Douglas (147:55)

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Episode Flow & Listener Takeaways

• For Longtime Listeners: Classic, multi-topic Carolla—blending great guest chemistry with Adam’s rants and unique worldview.
• For New Listeners: Funny, sharp, insightful; interchanges reveal much about the guests and society, anchored in pop culture and real-life anxieties.
• Best Segments: Tracy Morgan on sobriety & comedy’s purpose; Ileana Douglas on Hollywood inside stories; Adam’s riffs on modern parenting, PC excess, and workplace absurdity.

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Recommended Starting Points:

• Tracy Morgan Interview: 01:36–15:49
• Comedy & Parenting Riff: ~34:16–38:43
• Arie Luyendyk Jr. & “Matchmaking”: ~49:46–79:17
• Ileana Douglas Interview: ~101:17/1:41:17 onward

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Summary Prepared in the Voice of Carolla Classics:
“Fast, funny, loose, and rant-heavy—this episode is a definitive Carolla classic, weaving comedy, showbiz, and the trials of modern adulting into a talk tapestry both entertaining and sneakily profound.”

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Transcript

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[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to cruel Classics. I'm your whole superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruella Classics available ad free exclusively through Podcast one. Check it out and if you'd like to find ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the.

[Adam Carolla]

Brand new podcast Beat it out, make.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure to check out Adam Carlos substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicskorolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Carolla Show 1075. Tracy Morgan, Allison Rosenberg, Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the show. Good day, Allison Rosen.

Hello, Adam Carolly. Your makeup looks good.

Thank you. Although if you can tell I'm wearing it, maybe it's not. Good day, bald Brian. Hey, I'm selling whores with no vagina. Tracy Morgan should be on the phone soon. We had a funny moment with him and Gary Haftard. I feel like there's a lot of this in my life. You guys tell me if this is me or it's just everyone else and then is it now? Believe it or not, if someone tells me, oh, you're wrong, I usually just go, oh, okay. Oh, Tracy's on. Okay, we'll get into this in a second. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan]

What's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, Good to speak to you. It's been a while.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, it's been a while, man. Good to hear from you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great to hear from you. By the way, the comedy tour, excuse my French. May 16th through June 29th and starts off tonight. That is Thursday night at Bergen Performing Arts center in New Jersey. Tickets [e-mail] Good to speak to you. Where are you calling from, Tracy?

[Tracy Morgan]

I'm at my house right now. I'm in my bedroom with my fiance and we're watching the Chicago Miami game and I'm just relaxing and.

[Adam Carolla]

How you doing? No more 30 Rock, right? That's wrapped up.

[Tracy Morgan]

No more Buddy Rock.

[Adam Carolla]

That is. It's going to be. First off, I think history will be very kind to that show. Like, the look back, I think classes will study that show. Years from now, when they're talking about writing and talking about television production and stuff like that, does it feel.

[Tracy Morgan]

I think the writing on there was incredible. Those writers never. Tina had my voice. I worked with Tina years on Saturday Night Live, so we hung out. She got to see my alter ego and, you know, I called him Chico Devine and she understood. She put him in. She let me fly over to Cuckoo's Nest every night, you know, every Thursday night, you know, so. And the writers, they didn't seem like they was ever running out of ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she. They're great. The show probably one of the best written shows come around the last 10 years. And Tina Fey, just an unbridled talent. Just an amazing, amazing talent.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, I mean, she had a lot of that around her, too. You know, Jane and Jack and Alex. She had an awesome cast to roll with, so that was incredible, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Alec Baldwin is like, he's sort of a different level. There's three or four guys that are working that are probably on a little different level, and he's that way. And the thing that's amazing about him is he's on a little different level from doing serious roles and comedic roles, which is insane to me.

[Tracy Morgan]

He's one of the top five actors ever in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tracy Morgan]

Ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tracy Morgan]

You know, he's fast, he's awesome. And when you. When you do it like, it's like Robert De Niro and Meet the Fockers. You do a couple. You do different levels.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Tracy Morgan]

I think Al Pacino's on that level because. Because Al could come on. Christian Walken is on that level. He's hosted Saturday Night Live a million times, so not everybody could do that. You know, speaking of can.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of people doing people, I feel like more and more people do a Tracy Morgan impersonation. That has to feel pretty good. Ryan.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, it's flattering. It's flattering. I'm glad people earn a living doing me. Who would have ever sunk it, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is kind of cool that Jay Moore does Tracy Morgan. That's really funny. And everyone laughs hysterically and no one ever goes, who's that? Or what are you, what are you talking about? Or what's that crazy voice? And I don't know if there's anybody who does one you don't like or it's just flattering all the way around.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, you know, I'm just, I'm amazed that people would do me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, speaking of, speaking of you, how are you doing? Are you sober? Are you sane? Are you thin? What's going on?

[Tracy Morgan]

You know, I feel good. I've been sober for seven years, man. I don't, I don't hang out. I don't do none of that stuff. I'm, I'm my homebody now, man. I don't, you know, I'm so edgy. I still have a good time, but I don't drink.

[Adam Carolla]

But it kind of feels good. Doesn't it feel good to just realize it's Saturday night in your home?

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, just. Well, I'm, I'm always working, but just to be, just to see morning, noon and night feels good.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there something coming up for Tracy Morgan? I mean, other than doing the stand up shows, movies?

[Tracy Morgan]

Yeah, I'm superstitious about that stuff, man. I don't like.

[Adam Carolla]

If you don't talk about it to me, it'll get canceled.

[Tracy Morgan]

Well, listen, I don't feel like that, but for my own little thing. I've never talked about what was on the horizon and all that stuff because nothing is promised to anybody. So I just accept and appreciate. I don't like to expect nothing, you know, but here's accept and appreciate.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what you gotta do. If you don't want something to work out, just hope it works out. So do you, do you have a pilot?

[Tracy Morgan]

That's how it happened, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So do you have a pilot right now that you're, that you're excited about?

[Tracy Morgan]

No, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm not. I just got off the TV in December, so right now I'm just happy to be doing Stand up again. I'm writing a lot. I'm happy to be hearing my voice. You know, for seven seasons I was doing somebody else's voice. Now I'm getting back to who I am.

[Adam Carolla]

As far as SNL goes, do they ask you to come back and do stuff? Do they want you to host and that kind of stuff?

[Tracy Morgan]

Well, I'm always welcome back there. SNL that's like going home. You know what I'm saying? You always like mom's cooking. But right now I'm focusing on Tracy. You know, I wouldn't mind going back hosting and I still have fun and I love doing Saturday Night Live. But no, that's not where I'm at right now. I want a successful tour. That's the part of my career that I've never got off the ground. You know, right now I'm educating people on me doing stand up. I still love it. I've always wanted to do a concert film. I'm. Listen, I'm just trying to achieve all my goals that I always set for myself. I could remember going to see Eddie Murphy do Raw. I've always wanted to do that. Now the opportunity. But if the opportunity for TV comes about, yeah, I'm here. If the opportunity comes about for movies, sure, why not? If the opportunity comes about now for Broadway, I absolutely want to do that. The opportunity comes about for directing, I want to do that. If I'm given the time, I want to do it all, my dude. I even want to become a sports agent like Jay Z. Well, you know, one day, who knows, One day I might, I might fulfill my dream of pimping who knows from your mouth. I want to do some dick tipping in Chicago. Who knows.

[Adam Carolla]

So how many, how many shows do you do and are you going to film them all and you're going to make a special out of it?

[Tracy Morgan]

No, I'm not doing, you know, right now since I'm about to have a baby, I like to not be out constantly. My lady's seven months pregnant and we're about to have a baby. So that's priority everything. So I go out maybe every weekend, like two days and I come home.

[Adam Carolla]

How many days?

[Tracy Morgan]

And I come home.

[Adam Carolla]

How many. What child will this be for you? Four.

[Tracy Morgan]

Number four.

[Adam Carolla]

And what are their age ranges?

[Tracy Morgan]

From 28 to unborn.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's range. Yeah, man.

[Tracy Morgan]

I'm telling you, man, we use sex as a sedative in the ghetto. Ease the pain of poverty.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the, is it? How's the 28?

[Tracy Morgan]

We have babies early. We have babies early.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard that that's not money there.

[Tracy Morgan]

So we might, we got each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I, I don't know. See, to me, when I used to be super, super dirt poor, I just did the kid math and went, well, if I have a kid, I'm going to be more poor and more miserable. I don't get why that isn't done in the ghetto more. Why Is that math not done more in the ghetto, Tracy?

[Tracy Morgan]

Morgan, I don't have no idea, dude. I can't speak for the whole ghetto. I know. I did my math. I came up with a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

So how old were you?

[Tracy Morgan]

One plus one made a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you when you had your 28 year old?

[Tracy Morgan]

17.

[Adam Carolla]

17? How the fuck are you supposed to. I, you know, I, I couldn't do anything when I was 17. Like, how can you raise a kid at 17?

[Tracy Morgan]

It's crazy. It's not crazy. They're making a bomb, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tracy Morgan]

17. At least I was making love.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's true. You're better than a domestic terrorist. So you got that going for you.

[Tracy Morgan]

When I was growing up, yeah, when I was growing up, I wasn't thinking about none of that crazy stuff that they're thinking about now. I was just doing what a young boy does. Chase tail and masturbate.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Not, not in that order, but yeah, in that order. Oh, in that order, yeah. Well, if you don't catch the tail. So, Tracy, how are you doing? How you doing with the 28 year old is. I mean, because it must have been, must have been tough times at the Beginning Club. Oh, really?

[Tracy Morgan]

At Carolina's Comedy Club? Yeah, he's a bartender.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? I gotta, I gotta. We're gonna be, we're gonna be at Caroline's coming up.

[Brian Bishop]

He's probably served you a drink. You'll meet him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't establish eye contact with the.

[Tracy Morgan]

Blacks, but I give all the credit to his mom. You do now.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he, does he want to do stand up? I mean, he's working at Caroline.

[Tracy Morgan]

Oh, no, he's 28, man. He's okay. He's doing. He has his lady, he's earning his money, takes care of himself. He respects himself and he respects others. No, he's good. He's his own man.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want him to do stand up.

[Tracy Morgan]

I mean, he can do what he wants. He's 28, dude. He's not a child. He's a grown man. Right, but if he decided to get in the show business, I would be there. I'm his father. Of course. Right, but I don't think he wants to do that. He would have told me that already.

[Adam Carolla]

But usually when you work at a comedy club, you have some interest in comedy, even if you're behind the bar.

[Tracy Morgan]

I don't know. You would have to ask him when you met him.

[Adam Carolla]

I will ask him when I met him, I think in July Yeah, right.

[Tracy Morgan]

He's never spoke to me or his mom about it, not growing up or anything.

[Adam Carolla]

What's he look like? In case there's more than one brother behind the bar?

[Tracy Morgan]

He looks like me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, then that'll be easy. And do people.

[Tracy Morgan]

His name is Getrid, say hi to him, bro. He's a hard guy. He's short, he's quiet, and he's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, I'll find him. Tracy, by the way, the comedy tour. And if people want to get tickets, they can get them from livenation.com they can also go to Tracy's website, tracymorgan.com.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yo, I want to say, Adam, I saw that when that thing happened to me in Tennessee, man, I saw you on the talk show. I really appreciate you Was like saying it was dope. What you were saying was dope. And I remember you saying you can't really hold comedians to the same standards as a president or school teacher with comics.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why should you? Well, there's a couple things. First off, you're on stage. I've said this a million times. So you're on stage and somebody says, what do you think of your mother in law? And if you go, that angel of a woman, I love her dearly. Next question, there's no laughter. You have to go, that fat cunt. I hope she's dead. And then people laugh.

[Tracy Morgan]

All I gotta do is say, Archie Bunker, George Jefferson.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Tracy Morgan]

Made fun of ourselves. We made fun of our bigotry. We held the mirror up. This is our fears, man. This is hilarious. Look how we act. That's all a stand up does. That's all we do. That doesn't mean that's us out there. But we gotta show us our foolishness. We made fun of racism with Archie Bunker. Well, of course he is killing comedy. DC is killing comedy. I think PC has no place in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're comedians. I mean, it's the craziest thing ever. Where you go like fire captain, school teacher, bus driver, politician. These are all Cub Scout leader. Like, these are all jobs where. Okay, take it easy with the blue humor. But comedian, for Christ's sake, we're going after comedians for what comedians say. I mean, it's mind numbing.

[Tracy Morgan]

Did he go to jail in vain? Richard Price, did he go to jail in vain? Did George call and do the seven words in vain?

[Adam Carolla]

It's really sad that we've come so far and yet digressed so much in this one department where everyone is freaking out over what comedians say. It's so Sad and so bizarre.

[Tracy Morgan]

That's what I told somebody said I'm on stage. If I'm talking about sex, don't be mad at me. Be mad at the zillion dollar industry. Porno industry. I'm just talking about it. There's people out here doing a lot worse things than going after comedians about what we say.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know.

[Tracy Morgan]

If you don't like comedy, stay home, make it a blockbuster night.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Tracy Morgan]

Red Rocky 5.

[Adam Carolla]

Or that cop buddy movie you did with Bruce Willis. Yeah, Cop out. There you go. Yeah, well, I defended you because I'm just so fucking tired of everybody and their holier than thou stance on everything. And you don't want comedians to shut up. That's the only good thing about comedians. You silence the comedians. Next thing you know they're in bathing suits walking up and down the catwalk. Is that what you want? You want to see Jeff Ross in a tight fitting Europe style bathing suit? No. Comedians are supposed to talk. You're not supposed to silence comedians. That's their job. Don't silence comedians. We talk.

[Tracy Morgan]

As Rock once said, stand up. Comedy is the only place in show business where there's justice.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Everywhere else there's a lot of politics and a lot of editing. And this is justice. Unfettered justice. Tracy Morgan, whenever you're in town, come see us, please.

[Tracy Morgan]

You know how I feel about you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how I feel about me too. Tracy.

[Tracy Morgan]

Yep. I'll let you later.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to see you. Take care, brother. Love, Tracy Morgan. Excuse my French. Name of the tour and May 16th through the 29th. So you look for him coming to a town near you. All right? Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Two follow up things I want to say about Tracy Morgan, what he said, but I want to say while he was on the phone, one, you mentioned someday they're going to teach classes about shows like 30 Rock. My, my friend is a master's student or has a master's degree in faculty at usc. He books guests for a TV class they have there and he has booked the people from 30 Rock, so they are already doing it classes for, you know, master's degree students and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Makes perfect sense.

[Brian Bishop]

And also think about this with Alec Baldwin. He's really found a real groove in his career as a great character actor and was sort of miscast early on as a leading man because he was good looking and he's a great actor but sort of miscast as a leading man. It didn't quite work out and he came back as even bigger and better. Now As a supporting guy, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Even look at it as miscast or didn't work out. I just look at it as he has such incredible chops. Sort of the Angelina Jolie of actors, which is, he was so physically attractive that you just want to put them in this one role and have them stay in that role for the rest of their life. And they said, fuck it, I want to do other roles. And so because they have ability and the people that don't have the chops go, yeah, I'll ride this good looking gravy train. You know, they're dying their hair, they're never gaining a pound, whatever it is. I think the whole reason psychologically that Baldwin put the weight on was just to go, I don't want to do this anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Take yourself out of the market.

[Adam Carolla]

I am going to scale myself right out of this market.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe, maybe didn't work out in the right term. He was in a handful of decent movies as a leading man, but well.

[Adam Carolla]

They wanted him for like Red October 2 and he just didn't want to do it. The first one was a big success and he just didn't want to be that guy.

[Brian Bishop]

And there's some guys who've gone out like I was thinking about, like him, Paul Rudd as an example, Vince Vaughn is an example who had a sort of a short run as leading men but have really taken off as sort of supporting comedic. That's where their sweet spot is as they're sort of born to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. Baldwin was, I think with Baldwin for good or for bad. Sometimes it's for bad. He has a crazy intellect and he's just sort of smarter than everyone around him. And that gets used for good. Occasionally gets used for evil on the paparazzi or message for his daughter. But you can't ask guys who have that kind of 10 million watt candle power klieg light for a brain to. To dim it down. And so they don't have a dim it down version when they're leaving messages for people or when they're dealing with camera people or when they're dealing with directors, they just have that. And when you hand them a super shitty script, it's just gotta. It's gotta be like so much sand on his beachfire.

[Brian Bishop]

When you add a perfect script or a perfect part, you know what I mean? To their talents, boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Through the roof. That's it. Bigger than onnit. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's pretty ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe you're right. Your body's like a car. You gotta put the right fuel in it, baby, so you can perform correctly. O N N I T.com Onnit.com Professional athletes, top medical professionals, all got together, create foods and supplements, help you run at peak performance. Like Alpha brain. Love this stuff. Joe Rogan takes it. He takes it before the UFC fights. It helps him focus. He does it before his stand up, helps him focus. The laser like focus plus supplements for the mood and performance. Delicious hemp protein, hemp force, and all sorts of equipment. Got the kettlebells, got the jump rope. I use their jump rope every night. Well, not tonight. I haven't been home yet, but I will. Great equipment, great stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Get your kids with it, but use it.

[Adam Carolla]

But not the handle part. That would be cruel. Yeah. Go to onnit.com Adam onnit o n N-I-T.com Adam get 10% off your order. 10% off the order. 100% guaranteed satisfaction, baby, or your money back. That's onnit.com Adam. All right, speaking of the kids, first, real quick with Gary Halftart over there.

Okay, then can I say something about this getting mad at comedians in clubs thing, though?

Because I. Oh, yeah, go ahead, say it first.

Well, actually, this is what I was thinking. I was thinking getting upset with what comedians club say is almost like getting upset with what an actor in a movie says.

Yeah.

Like to what Tracy's saying. They're playing a role. They're holding a mirror up. We're making fun of ourselves. It's. People make the mistake of thinking that's the. Like what you see in a club, that's the person. No, what they say offstage is the person, but it's a role they're playing. It's like an exaggeration.

I would argue with these people all the time when I would be doing, like a sitcom pilot or something. And I'd say, okay, we're going on a construction site, and this is this guy and his character, and he's smoking, and he's sitting out front, and it's like, does he have to be smoking? No, he doesn't have to be smoking, but I want this guy to be smoking because I have a joke with the cigarette. Yeah, we really don't want to see him smoking. They don't want. He can hold a cigarette. Can he hold an unlit cigarette? No, that doesn't make sense. Now. That's distracting. Okay, he can. Like, and at a certain point, I always do this. Are we able to admit that some people smoke? Are we able to agree that there are Folks on the planet who smoke. I'm not making a judgment call. Good people, bad people, white people, black people, whatever. But there are people who smoke. Yes. Well, then this will be one of them. But they're like, but we don't agree with that. It's like, you don't agree with what? A guy doing something that exists. Yeah.

Since when is aren't only people you agree with or comedy specially?

It's so fucked up. You're like, all right, and this guy's kind of racist. Oh, we don't agree with that. I know, but there are racist. There are people out there that are bigoted. Yes, yes. Okay, that'll be that guy. It's like saying, and this guy's six foot eight. Well, I'm only five nine. Right. But there are tall people out there, right?

Yeah.

So I don't get it. Yes, you don't like smoking. Understood. They sell 300 billion packs of cigarettes a year, and that's in the United States. Worldwide. It's a kajillions like smoking.

So how about you don't smoke. This character's going to, right?

And nobody's gonna go up to this person and go, good for you. I love the fact that you're smoking. You're such a hero. I wish my kid, you should make an instructional video about smoking so my children can watch. No, he's just smoking. As a matter of fact, there'll probably be something like you'll walk by and go, put that out and get back to work. But he's a smoker. That's what he does. And this guy is a bigoted guy. Or this guy makes off color cracks about other races. Now that's what he does.

[Brian Bishop]

We'll call him Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll call him Adam. Yes, that's what he does. Can we admit that these people exist? I mean, that's the whole thing. I come from the most liberal family on the planet, and their favorite show was all in the Family because they would watch Archie Bunker and go, can you believe this guy? And then they'd go, these guys really exist out there in Queens, I'll tell you what. And then we'd all have a big fat laugh at their expense. It's basically what reality TV is. Like, oh, look at that fat lady. Oh, she's eating Cool Whip and she's so fat. Yes, they exist, people.

It's such a naive misunderstanding of the function of telling stories and of what people want to see also.

First off, shut the fuck up, people. I'm writing a sitcom and I Actually had a joke that I wanted to do, which in my head played out, but it never. They wouldn't let us film it or anything. But I had this joke where I was walking up the front of the house and I was nervous because I was with the owner. I was trying to get paid, and this guy, the lazy guy Ray, was sitting on the front stoop just sort of smoking a cigarette. And we were coming up the stairs, and I think I was waiting for the owner to show up. And she said she was in a bad mood and I wanted to get my paycheck from her and whatever. And I was just sitting there next to him and I said, give me a hit off that. And he went, you quit two years ago. And I went, I don't care. I'm nervous. I'm having a bad day. Just give me a hit off that. And he went, no, you quit. And I go, gimme a hit. And right as I'm saying it, we cut to the owner of the house, the bitchy chick. Actually, you know, the chick is. She's now the. What's her name? Megan. Hot blonde who stars in that Broadway. The big, big blonde who stars in the Broadway drama Now Will Smash. Yeah. And Smash. Yeah. Plays Marilyn Monroe, basically. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Good looking guy.

[Adam Carolla]

She's great. Yeah. We kind of discovered her. She was so great. So I was gonna.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, I have no idea what show you're talking about. God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna do this bit with. With this guy where I went, come on, give me a hit. And he did the thing where he took the cigarette and he sort of handed it to. Started handing it to me, and then did a cue stick in his nose where he put. Like my buddy Ray, we'll take Megan Hilty. Yeah. Will actually take the thing, put up his nose and do it. And we'd sort of cut it while he was stirring up his nose. And then as we're walking in the house with me behind her, you'd see me do a little. And you'd see a little smoke come out of the side of my mouth, meaning I took the hit anyway. But the network was like, no, we can't show him. We can't show you. You can't see the smoke come out of your mouth. We can't show him. It's like, first off, what do you mean you can't?

Yeah, his rules.

There's no fucking rules. There's no rules that says you can't.

[Brian Bishop]

It's crazy how out of whack the standards bearers are about Showing smoking. I just remembered how I seen in two movies recently, Denzel Washington as the hero drinks beer while driving a car. As the hero of the film, not.

[Adam Carolla]

The bad guy, the hero not smoking as much, could not smoke. Drinking beer while driving a car, could not smoke. That's your best character.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just, you know, he's a. Possibly a bad dude.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys tell me. Well, that's the whole point. They're bad. People do these things. There's smokers, there's alcoholics. Turn on the news, you'll see a few of these guys out there. All right, now tell me what you guys think. Oh, and by the way, the thing with Gary Haftart today was I said, I got an email that said Tracy Morgan's going to call in at 5:15. That's 5:15 our time. And then 8:15 Eastern Time. And I said, all right. And then later on I was in here and we were filming something. And he said, tracy can either call in at 5:15 or 8:15. And I said, oh no, I think 5:15 is all we're talking about. And he said, I got the email. I said, I glanced at the email, didn't really study it, but I think it was 5:15 Western Time and then Eastern time would be. And he said, no, no, 5:15 or 8:15. I said, that seems weird to me. And it doesn't really make sense. I think they're just doing the time difference math. And he said, no, I read the email. That's the way it goes. And I said, okay, well then let's make it 5:15. I think I can get in. We can do that, but it still seems weird. And he said, okay. And then he went and checked the email and they came back and he said, yeah, no, it was 5:15 or 8:15 Eastern Time. And I said, right, that's what I said. But why, when someone tells you something, do you go no, when that's what it is? I wish I had that ability. I really do. I don't know why. It's something I'm sort of jealous of. I don't know. Because he looked at the same email I looked at. I barely glanced at it, but it was clear to me what was going on. He didn't get a different email. How did he have that much personal momentum on this particular subject? Which seemed to be pretty cut and dry to me.

[Brian Bishop]

If only there was a microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's gonna figure that out. Gary, how'd that work? How did that work? I read an email. I want some of what you're drinking. I read an email while still in bed and was trying to get an answer out of you while you had 13 people around. But what was my answer? You said, no, I think that's 5:15 Pacific, 8:15 Eastern. Right. And I said, no, I don't think that's right. Right, but why would you say that? Because I didn't believe it to be true at the time. But what gave you that information? That's the point. The half asleep glance at the email where I. Right, but that's half asleep glance means. Yeah, I didn't see it either. Do you see what I mean? That's what. That's that. This is the point where you go, I didn't see the email. I barely looked at it either. So myself. So now I don't have any idea. You had an idea. You had a strong idea.

Well, it sounds like he thought that he had.

He's pissed. He thought he's pissed. No, but I mean, obviously I thought that there was a good chance. Don't. I'm not trying to fucking fuck with you. I'm just saying, you want three laps on this? Like I said, fonts, that's Eastern and whatever. And you said, no, two laps. All right, two laps. But why? You didn't look at it. Why would you go two laps on something you didn't look at? I'm saying you didn't look at it. You were asleep. You barely glanced at it. Here's what I'm saying. The answer can be, yeah, I don't know. I barely looked at it myself. Let me go check it out. You did a lap and I said, no, I think that's Eastern and that's our time. And you went, no. So what is that? And where do I get it? I don't know, Ace, man. I'll take a look for you. All right, look, don't pout. I'm just saying you did do two laps. Why do two laps on something you and I both didn't know? Well, actually, I knew it. But why? That's the question. That's the one. Why the second lap? I'm telling everyone who's listening, just go. I don't know. I'll go. Look, I know it's wildly uncomfortable for everyone, but I like that. I just wish I could get.

Wait a second, let me ask a question. What should Gary say? Because I'm thinking of the various things Gary could say and trying to figure out what is the best thing for him to say right now. Well, in case I met my thing.

Is I think you were raised right. I think so. I think that's it. But there's an interesting thing that people have, which is some people say, you're wrong. It's this way. And you have the reaction of, oh, my God, I fucked up. And Gary has the reaction of, no, no, you're wrong. That's not fair. I did not tell you you were wrong. I said, no, I believe it's 8:15 or 5:15. And you said, no, that's. I think it was the other way. And I said, okay, no. Then you went around again. No, you said, that's where our memories differ. Well, you said, we know you did two laps, the first lap being my saying it was 5:15 or 8:15. Right. And I said, now, I think that's east coast in our time. I think it's only one time. I didn't say, no, you're a monster. No, you just said, no, I read it. You went around again. Exactly. But I didn't say it. That's my point. You wouldn't have stuck to it, would you Have.

[Tracy Morgan]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No answer.

If I believed that I. If I had a certain thing in my head and I was pretty sure I'd understood the email, I. I might stick with it. If I was pretty sure the story.

Started of I didn't really look at the email.

I'm wondering how much he remembered at the time that, oh, I hadn't quite looked at the email. You know, like, it sounds like he had it in his head that he thought it was a certain way.

I don't mind the mis. I don't mind the miscommunique. I only mind. The part I mind is the two to three laps. That's the part. That's my only part. But I want to know where that comes from because it's not based on anything. Because as soon as you read the email, you knew it. Right. The email never changed. Right. And I immediately came to you and apologized. Right. That's the point. So the email's the same as it ever was. Yes, it is. My mistake was not saying, I will walk away right now and check this email and hope that I can get back and get another shot at you. All right? I'm sorry. No, you don't have to be sorry. It's. I am sorry, everyone listening. It really doesn't bother me. I'm envious of it. That's. That's what I am. But I want to know where it comes from. Where? You don't know. You don't know what that. Well, you do know what the email says? It's pretty clear because you read it and then you came back and said, you're right. So that's what the email said. It got misinterpreted and then there's a slight dig in factor. See what I'm saying?

I've definitely putting myself on the wrong side of this, but I've definitely had that thing where I've been like, holy fuck, the other person was right. That never happens. No, I've had that thing where I've been sure of something and then I go, look, and I realize I had it wrong. Yeah, I think it comes from thinking that usually you're right.

I read it, I knew what it was, and I still sort of believed Gary because he dug in, which is how easily I can be swayed. All right, listen, Gary, you know you're in the top 12 of the employees here. Maybe appreciate that. Nine. Maybe nine. Next time I'll go ahead and I'll do your best. Maybe nine. Just do my best next time. No problem. All right. Speaking of doing my best. Oy de doi dee doi. I had a great. This is another thing.

[Brian Bishop]

First time I heard that phrase, which.

[Adam Carolla]

Oy de doity doy.

Oy de doity doy.

I read it all over Twitter.

All right, you know this thing, and I constantly bring it up, it's part and parcel to maybe this thing, but this thing where I say, listen, I can't do this, I don't want to do it, and someone just kind of keeps doing laps with you on it and you just start feeling like shit and then you start getting angry and whatever. So last night you tell me, let's everyone be honest. Let's see if I'm an asshole or not. Sonny had his play this morning. Sonny doesn't give a huge shit about that kind of stuff. He's not, you know, a young, look at me kind of guy. Natalia's more wired that way. Sonny's a little more mechanical.

Right.

But his play was at 8 o' clock this morning where he played a cactus. Could have played a boulder. And no, we may have pretended to play the trumpet or something and the entertainer was coming to town or whatever it was. But he had his little thing. But it's, you know, it's an eight minute play. He's six. And I came home last night. Now I've been run ragged. I've been going to Covina, which is 20 miles east of Pasadena. It's 108 degrees. I've been working for the rest of the world.

[Brian Bishop]

You need to explain that 20 miles east isn't 20 minutes like in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Rest of the world. Yeah, it's an hour. Yeah, it's a whole. It's out. It's a haul. It's la. And I've been working today's day number five of my pilots. I'm working Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and doing the podcast and doing everything else I have to do. And so I got home last night after doing the podcast, and I had another long. So today, last day of work, it was going to be shoot here at the shop for a couple hours starting at 10am back to Covina, do all the shit, and then back here this evening to do two podcasts. And I said to Lynette, look, you know, as far as the sunny thing tomorrow, I just can't. I don't got it in me. I can't. I'm frazzled, I'm fried. And I can't see myself getting up at 7, 7:15, going to the school, then coming here, then going to Covina, and then coming back here and doing two podcasts tonight. I'm just burnt. And she said, sunny, oh, man, I really feel bad for him. And I said, I do too, but I'm just fried. I'm on day five, you know, I've been going all through the weekend here, and I'm fucking tired. And she said, you can't just go over there like, real quick and like, come back and take a nap or something? And I said, no, I can't because I gotta be at the warehouse at 10. We're shooting and his thing's gonna end at 8:30. Get home at 9. She'll go, well, come home at 9, take a nap. Okay, how's that going to work? I'm fried. I'm sorry. I'll get up early, I'll give him a hug, tell him how proud I am of him, and see him off before he goes to school. But I can't get up. The school's the opposite direction. I'm just so tired. And she went, okay. Oh, boy. Well, there you go. And I said, listen, I'm tired. And she's like, oh, what are you coming after me for? And I was like, because you're making me feel like shit. And I want to be there, but you're making me feel like shit about the whole thing. And I'm telling you how tired I am. And she goes, what do you want me to say? And I said, how about you thank me for providing for the family? And I kind of Snapped around a little bit, but I realized this little bit. I also realized earning money doesn't count for shit anymore. It just doesn't. I might as well said I'm going to the lodge to beat off and play foosball. Like I'm saying, I'm working my multiple jobs and I'm not coming home till late tonight. And I'm fucking fried. This is the last day of this five day run. I'm burnt and I just got to get some sleep, otherwise I'm not going to be any good. And just like I just thought, first off, this is a new world order we're living in. I don't think this existed before. I don't think it exists in many communities, but it certainly exists in this one. And secondly, this thing where making money as the great Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray said, when does it stop counting for anything? I said, I don't know, but somehow it did. And then just the fact where you're saying to somebody, and I know what her wish is, her wish is she wants Sonny to see somebody in the audience. Like I, I get that part, I understand that part. But what I'm telling you sincerely is, is I cannot do that. I physically, it's technically possible, but I would be killing myself and I just cannot do that for a six year old for, you know, two minutes of stage time. I just cannot do it. I do not want to do it. And it's like that lap thing, I don't know where that comes in.

Well, it's, it's good that it turned her around when you pointed out sort of the bigger picture because I know there's been things like I've been upset with Daniel that, you know, over some little tiny thing and then he'll kind of remind me, but look at all this other stuff and then it makes me take a step back and realize, yeah, I'm being maybe a little unfair.

Yeah. And I understand the wish is to be in the audience for your son to do a school play, which is a good wish to have for a mother to have for the husband. But the husband is explaining, the husband has five jobs and that's part of this lifestyle here. And I have to go execute three and a half of them tomorrow, so I'm going to need to leave at a certain point.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think it's as much she wants someone to be there for Sonny as I think my suspicion is she wants you to want to be there because you going out and earning all the money, any one of us going out and earning all the money is as much for us as it is for them. Whereas you going and do something selflessly, for example, going to Sonny's play, there's very little in it for you. It's 90% for Sonny.

[Adam Carolla]

He's depriving himself of the opportunity to see this play.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

There's elements of everything. But there's a bigger element, which is nobody goes to a coal mine anymore. Or at least not enough of us do. Like, no one comes home with dust all over their face, coughing, and thus no dinner. Do you know what I mean?

Is it page long?

There's this I do from the makeup, from the airbrushed makeup, you know? What I'm saying is the money is all electronic now. I don't come home with any money. I don't have any dirt on my face. The bills get paid. There's no mechanical, tangible evidence. It's a weird thing the way human beings are wired. Even if you're intelligent, there still needs to be something a little more physical than we have right now, which is, I go to some place and I talk for a while and then I come home and I never even see a check. Like, it doesn't even go to me. I never touch money. I don't. There's never. Like, you don't pay parking tickets with cash. It's like everything is just a debit thing now. Everything gets automatically transferred and wired and put in your account and blah, blah, blah, and money becomes sort of a notion. So then this thing of like, whatever you're doing, like, this didn't exist 40 years ago. If somebody said, look, I gotta go into a fucking coal mine and I have to go to work because I'm. Put food on the table. Because we're paying, you know, here's a wad of cash and we're going to pay the grocer cash and you're going to buy food and we're going to. You know, that's super easy. That's. Baby, here's your lunch.

It's cause and effect.

Have fun at work. I understand completely. Everything now is kind of invisible. And it's a weird like, well, can't you just go over there? And it's like, no, it seems like you can, but you can.

And invisible too, in the sense that you can't just bring your physical body to the job and do the same job as if you are, like, mentally present the stuff that you do, right?

A lot of stand up on your feet, kind of think on your feet, walking and talking a Lot of you know, them saying, all right, here's the part where you're coming into the house and we need to joke about this, joke about that. Then you're meet the owner of the house. Then you guys are going to walk over here and hit your mark over there. And yeah, when you're sleep deprived and your head is spinning, it makes it difficult, not difficult to talk about. Fine. Sponsors like bid pit, bidpit.com sounds like a super couple.

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh my God, it does.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see.

Biddefer and Pitt.

Yeah, we're going to have to figure we're going to find a bid.

[Brian Bishop]

Joe Biden.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe Brad Pitt got together.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. The ultimate shopping experience. You can lock horns with fellow bidders without leaving the couch. Popular brands, up to 90% off retail. How about this? An iPad mini. What do you think? You get an iPad mini for Baldbrai.

[Brian Bishop]

Best price. Yeah, I found a guy on the street who was tired of his maybe 200 bucks. Hurts me to even say it, but.

[Adam Carolla]

200 bucks, that's cash price. You're making my makeup run, dude.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow, it must have been pretty funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good stuff. $13.82.

[Brian Bishop]

How many installments of $13.82?

[Adam Carolla]

One installment, $13.82. It's not a wonder amount. Beats by Dr. Dre over there. The headphones. $4.19. All things you can get, you bid. It's really cool. And you get 25 free bids. Go to bidpit.com and use the promo code Adamoffer. Only available to the first 300 people. So these bids you shall get for free and then you can use them to get really cool deals on high end stuffises. Only the first three people can do it. Bidpit.com Adam. All right, now let's see. Ari Lyndyk Jr. Is out there. Ari, you also know from the Bachelorette, he made it just almost to the top of the mountain. Just came in second there. Keep my eye on what's going on in Hollywood. He's a race car driver. His pops won the Indy 502 times. So just that, the biggest race in the world two times. Ari Lyondyke. It was weird. I don't know what name we had on our calendar. We had Ari, Ludjack, Luden, Jack or something.

Mudjak.

L U D J A K. I love Mike August. And you know what I like about Mike August? There's no such thing. Like, here's how this conversation would go. You be me. You be a sleep deprived, semi angry me. Calling him now. Of course I know the Bachelor's Ari Ludjak.

[Brian Bishop]

He's called Ari. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I know who Ari Luyendike is because the guy's a famous. Famous race car driver. And I, of course, would know who Arie Luyendike Jr. Is, because I know who Arie lyendyke is. But. So I'm driving in and I'm going, ari Ludjack. Where's he from? But here's the reason. And this is a great thing about. About Mike August, you call him being irate. Me. Hello, August? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

What is going on with this Cal? Am I doing an impression here? What is going on with this calendar here? Who's on the show tonight?

[Adam Carolla]

Ari is.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't. I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Who?

[Brian Bishop]

Ari.

[Adam Carolla]

Ari Ludjack. He's from. He's from the Bachelorette.

[Brian Bishop]

He's an aspiring comedian. Or he's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you gotta be me. You're irate, remember?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you're right. You've already seen the calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

Otherwise, you're a dick.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Or I'm a dick.

[Brian Bishop]

Who is this Ari?

[Adam Carolla]

I thought the irate part would let you know that.

[Brian Bishop]

But who is Ari Ludjack? Why are we booking people I've never heard of? Who is this person? Why am I irate? I'm calling you, August. I'm irate.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason you're angry is because you.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you're calling after you've seen this.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Earlier in the day.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's right. August. We could clear this up with August, but here's how it would go.

[Brian Bishop]

How about I be Augs, and I say, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

I want you to be an irate mate. Hello, August. Yeah. Who?

[Brian Bishop]

Why? Why? Why the misspelling? Why then? Why the misspellings all over? Why on one thing on the calendar? It's called One way. No, the guest tonight, Ari. You not think I would know who Arie Luyendyk is, a famous race car driver? All I do is cars.

[Adam Carolla]

He's on the show tonight.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, on the calendar. It confused me and Gary and everybody. Because it said Ari Ludjack or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's on the calendar?

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I'm. That's what I'm saying. Why is it spelled?

[Adam Carolla]

We have a calendar so that we can keep the guests separated from the shows.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't need the guests separated from themselves. We need the guests to be one person all the time on the paper and on the calendar. Who was Ari Ludjack to you? Who is Ari Ludjack.

[Adam Carolla]

Ari Lyndyke is a famous RA. His dad won the Indy 500 two times, and he's a racer himself, and he was on the Bachelorette. Is that. I want to talk about some of those gigs in Boston.

[Brian Bishop]

No, let's get back to our Ludjack.

[Adam Carolla]

You want me to book him? Okay, that's why. That's no fun. Also, he's.

I suspect he's doing something else.

Oh, he's. Oh, he's. Oh, listen, I. Here's. I can do both parts of this. I can do both parts of this. You know, I'll go. Listen, you tell Drew if we're going to do those live shows, he's got to show up prepared, because I'm tired of just toeing the line. Okay. Yep. I'm hearing, like, clearly reading email at the time. So tell him what I said about that, then. All right. All right. Okay, I guess.

Do you ever say. Do you hear. What? Do you know what I just said?

I sometimes do say, are you listening to me? But it does get to that point. There's no satisfaction with him because he'll. Like I said, yeah, Ari Lyendyke is booked for the juniors book for the show. Then a certain point, if you really want to take a twist, he'll go, like, no Arian line. And at some point, you'll screw up and go, arie Luyendag's the guy on the show. And he'll go, that's his dad. And then you'll get. You'll be back again, so you'll never.

[Brian Bishop]

Beach when I. Technicality.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You'll get zero satisfaction out of it. All right, should we take a little break? Sure, let's do that. Ari Lug nut, Artie Lug nuts coming in next. We'll do that right after this. Let's check Adam's voicemail. Brought to you by Evoice. Evoice, the reason you'll make more money in 2013. Hey, this is Jason. I was just thinking, I really missed.

[Tracy Morgan]

Those hats from the 80s that had.

[Adam Carolla]

Those two cup holders on both sides, and they would have straws leading out of what you could put a beer.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Can in that would lead your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tracy Morgan]

Those novelty hats you saw in those sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you need to bring that.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Back and modify it to where it.

[Adam Carolla]

Can hold two Mangria bottles.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

One red, one one white, and it could be called the Brose helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. Test out eVoice for 30 days with no cost and see how it'll Help grow your business. Go to evoice.com promo code adam or click the evoice [e-mail] right now. Well, back with the great Artie ludnut. Ari Leyendeck Jr. Does. Does some stadium racing. Super truck. Let's see. Yeah, supertruck series, Real exciting stuff. Also did a little Indy light action. Of course, dad won the Indianapolis 500 a couple of times. That's got to feel pretty good. The stadium supertruck is the big trucks, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It's essentially like supercross, but with trucks. The trucks are actually pretty small, but they have 600 horsepower. They only weigh 3,000 pounds. And we do crazy high jumps.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of air.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, a lot of air. A lot of side by side action.

[Adam Carolla]

It's amazing what they do these days to these stadiums. Like they just transform them into tracks out, you know, desert tracks, outdoor tracks, lots of jumps, lots of bodywork, smashing, and lots of getting into it.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

We start with like three sets of bodywork, and we usually run through it through the end of the weekend. It's pretty crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Does the. Is this something more exciting for you than doing the open wheel stuff? Which not necessarily open wheel anymore, but.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, for me, obviously, growing up sort of in my dad's shadow in a way, you know, driving IndyCar, driving Indy Lights. I drove in the Indy 500 in 2006, and, you know, I still want to get back there, but this is something that he never did. And it's. I've never raced off road in my life, never jumped anything. And now I'm in this series racing against the best, you know, Robbie Gordon, Ricky Johnson, Jeff Ward.

[Adam Carolla]

How crazy was it doing the Indy 500? I mean, the pageantry. I mean, how many people are 200,000 people in that place?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

No, I think it's near 350,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like the biggest crowd, single.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Day spectated event in the world, right? Yeah, it's to go down that front straight and just see all the people. It's pretty intense. It's a special, really special to be a part of that event. It's something that I'll always cherish. I want to get back there in a better car. My dad and I started a team together just so I get into the race in 2006. But we really didn't have the equipment to run competitively, so I'd love to be in a fast car around Indy because there's nothing like it.

[Adam Carolla]

How does your dad get going? Where does he Pick this up.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

What's his story as far as racing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, where's your dad? How's he get stuck started?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Well, he got started through my grandfather right after the war. My grandfather rebuilt race cars and sold them. And then my dad started. He raced and then my dad started racing at 18, and then his career sort of slowed down in Europe, so he came over the States and then won everything in Super V, which is at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

So where was he racing originally?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

In Holland, where I was born.

[Adam Carolla]

And is it big there in Holland? Yeah.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I mean, racing is like. It's like soccer or racing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird how big motorsports are in Europe.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Huge. I mean, everywhere else in the world, really, if you think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I mean, Central America and all that. I mean, it's just. I mean, you take a guy like Ayrton Senna was. These guys are the biggest stars of their country. Correct?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And maybe the hemisphere, too. It's insane that we don't really have that. I mean, you know what? We have black people and they run into each other at high speeds, and we're more amused at that. I really think it is. I think it is. I think if we took some, like, we took some Shaquille O' Neal and LeBron James and dropped them off over there in Holland. Wait a minute. Where are you from?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

And Holland.

[Brian Bishop]

How about the 90s?

[Adam Carolla]

They'd go, hey, look at these cats. And they'd leave the track. I think. I really do think. I'm not. This is not a backhanded compliment to my brothers. I'm saying, well, we watch the NFL, we watch the NBA, and we go, jesus Christ, look at these guys. And the whole time we're doing that, we're not watching motorsports.

[Brian Bishop]

When I saw the documentary Senna, which was awesome, I not only didn't know who Senna was, I thought I was half expecting, like, an exit through the gift shop style, like, reveal at the end where, oh, this is all fake. This is all, you know, oh, really? Character. I had no idea who he was. I'm not really a race fan, but it was a great documentary. I was like, this guy's huge.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I took a ton of people to that movie, and they just were hooked. It's pretty cool. They're like, oh, so you do something similar to this? I'm like, well, I'm not Formula One, but basically IndyCar is the Formula One of the United States. So in a way.

[Adam Carolla]

And now they're gonna have a couple of. They've had an F1 race in Texas, I guess, and they got a track.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

There and trying to get New Jersey going. But yeah, Austin is the US Grand Prix now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think I got maybe a vintage race coming up there too, which would be really cool. Cool to drive a vintage car in a. Congratulations too.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Long Beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Just two years in a row. I don't like to talk about.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

But guys, I saw those trophies, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know those old things, those dusty things. Matt, did I tell you to put a beach towel over those things? Come on now.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Proudly displayed in the garage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's get some of that halogen lining. Just get it just right. Yeah, yeah. That was a fun event. And it's. And it's because of the pageantry. You know, that's indie. They get a big crowd. They get the blimp flying overhead. They got the chick in the Takati bikini holding your name over your car when you come walking out there and the F16 fly overhead and you're like, wow, this is cool.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's the fun part about it. And that must be fun about racing in stadiums.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, I mean, we actually. The Stadium super trucks did an exhibition at Long beach and I think it blew everyone away who was watching.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it hurt because they had steel jumps and stuff, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, steel jumps. And we were going like 130 down the straightaway and then hitting a steel jump into the brake zone. I mean, it woke some people up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, somebody said that was the coolest probably event of the weekend.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It was nutty. It was really cool. I mean, we had I think like 15 trucks. And then the following week was LA. So we raced at the LA Coliseum, which is where Mickey Thompson started. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Off road down the turnstile.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, so we just popped off that. There was a really good crowd there. I think we had like 30,000 people. And that was only our third event. So it's going good.

[Adam Carolla]

Mickey Thompson and by the way, that, you know, that was the super bowl of motocross was the big deal. And then Mickey Thompson did all the outdoor racing stuff and he's got tires named after him or maybe he named the tires himself.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, he started the truck series in stadiums and also motorcycle racing in stadiums.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he the guy that got murdered? Is that Agajerian?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

No, he got murdered. Him and his wife got murdered.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a crazy. It was a crazy, crazy story. The guy lived in like, I don't know, Arcadia or something, and some dude came up on a bicycle and like just gunned down Mickey Thompson and his wife just in yeah, not a happy bike.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, but if.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, streamers in the back, somebody. Now, see, when I use a bike to commit a murder, I have it running. You know, I have a wheel man, I have a bar man.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, like a hop on the peg, literally.

[Adam Carolla]

The story. And I don't. You guys can look it up. I don't think they found the guy.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I don't think they did. They assume it's somebody, but they didn't convict.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they assume that like some business partner hired somebody first. The saddest thing about all these stories, whenever I hear about these stories on 2020 or 48 hours or whatever, it's like how you can go to a substantial portion of the populace and go, listen, I need you to kill somebody you don't know. All right, that'll be $6,000. Well, I only have 4,500. Let's call it five grand. Like. Like we're really having a conversation about you killing someone for $5,000. Like, it's the weirdest. I mean, especially when you do shit and entertainment and stuff. And it's like, oh, the Fiat. People want you out to the ebay booth over on the car show. And it's like, all right, I need $12,000. Well, you kill somebody, that'll be five grand. Like, it's the craziest thing, what you.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Can get situational, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But none of these. It's all relative. None of these stories are like. So I needed 200 grand up front, and then the remainder of the 200 would be paid upon complete. It's like, it's five grand. It doesn't. It's not a lot like a. If you're driving an Audi and you get just past the warranty and you need a transmission rebuild, that's the price of having someone killed.

[Brian Bishop]

Gotta kill someone.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, that's not what I'm saying. You're doing the wrong man.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it rarely the Audi who has to kill someone to pay for the transmission?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying it's the price of a first class ticket to New York and back, you know, or transmission rebuild on a nicer car.

So this is good news.

Yeah, yeah. It's coming down in this economy and.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Really that, you know, racing trucks in stadiums sort of died with Mickey Thompson. I mean, still. The series still went on for a few years, but didn't have that promotional machine behind it. So now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was sort of the grandfather and godfather of that sport. And. Yeah. 07, former business partner who again hired the guy on the Bike to call him Shum. Now, I don't know if they ever found the guy on the bike or not, which was a weird thing. And you don't think people would be able to get away. Maybe it was a really good bike, but I mean, how good could it have been? And then the wife's like, come on. The fucking wife too? Yeah. And it was just like middle of the day, just like, hey, coming home. There you go. So Mickey's gone. He'll be missed, that guy on the bike. Hopefully dead or jail for something else. And what was the Bachelorette like? How was that?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It was, it was good. I mean, I was at. I was at a point in my career where I was struggling to find money for IndyCar. I mean, it's hard with our economy, and I almost got all this money together to run the Vegas race, and that's where Dan Weldon died.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah. So it was a huge sort of. I mean, obviously that was very traumatic for all the drivers. And I mean, I wasn't very good friends with Dan, but I knew him pretty well. But my sort of realization sort of came. Sort of like, I'm struggling to get this money together just to be able to race, not make any money. Then this happens. So I kind of thought to myself, do I really want to be an IndyCar? So I didn't really pursue finding sponsors that winter. And then the bachelorette opportunity came up and I was like, hell, yeah, free vacation.

[Adam Carolla]

So, you know, wait, it wasn't about love?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Well, I mean, I think every guy goes into it, you know, every guy goes into it thinking, like, all right, vacation, you know, maybe I'll travel, and then maybe you meet somebody. And that's what happened to me.

[Adam Carolla]

So for you, you got down the final two, so you had to do the meet the parents, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, that was super awkward.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called the hometown.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

No, like, no, they know the hometown. Something different.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hello.

Super embarrassing moment for me.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

She meets your parents and then when you're down to the last two, like, I had to meet and ask for her father's hand in marriage, which, sorry, Adam, I've never had to do that before. So that was obviously awkward and difficult. And, you know, the other guy just did the same thing, like the day before.

[Adam Carolla]

Where. Where was her hometown?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

She was from Charlotte.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah. But that all went down. Yeah. No, she had a racing background. That's what we really.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Oh, yeah, she was. She's, you know Rick Hendrick.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

You know, Rick Hendrick's son. That was her fiance, Ricky.

[Adam Carolla]

Rick Hendrick.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

So he. He passed away in a plane crash.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Rick Hendrick is big race team. I don't know, start building cars, motors, whatever, but huge. The biggest. The biggest. The biggest of that sport. Oh, that's right. He died. Wow.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd you fuck that one up? I mean, your dad's Ari Lyndy, for Christ's sake.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I think in a way that might have been the downfall a little bit. I think she was like, oh, this is just too perfect. You know, so much about, you know, my world, my life, and I don't know if she. I don't know. I don't know where it went wrong. It went wrong, though.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a super foxy chick who's in the other room waiting for you.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

She. She's actually a PR person for one of the other drivers.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah, she looks.

[Brian Bishop]

For now.

[Adam Carolla]

She looks too good for that. Well, I only spotted her. I mean, good looking chicks aren't really supposed to work, are they? Allison, do those noose. Come on, let's go.

Hoity doity doity.

That's what it is. Can we put her up to the window here or something?

You want to put her on the screen?

Well, no, I just. I didn't. I only saw her from like 50ft away. But I thought, Ari Lyondyk Junior's good looking and, you know, good looking guys have good looking gals. Then I figure, you know, he landed on his feet.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. There you go. See that? You look like someone who shouldn't have to work. Whatever it is they're paying you, I'll double it. I missed that one.

Yeah.

Cause my whole thing is whatever they're paying you, I'll give you a dollar more.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I think it's more like an internship, so you wouldn't have to pay her anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, better yet.

Well, clearly. I'm guessing publicity isn't your goal. Ultimately.

[Jenna]

I'd like to get into something else.

[Adam Carolla]

Lean into that mic, please. There you go. So what's your name?

[Jenna]

I'm Jenna.

[Adam Carolla]

Jenna, good to meet you. I'm Dr. Rex Dexler, Colonel Duke lacrosse. And so, Jenna, you sort of chaperone the drivers?

[Jenna]

I guess you could call it that. I'm kind of like Nick Baumgartner's go to girl. So whatever he needs, whether it's social media help or folding his laundry, I'm there, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

And you would like to what, Ultimately. Hey, everybody. Her name's Jenna.

[Jenna]

I think that's it right there.

[Adam Carolla]

She's gonna turn your crankshaft. All right? So now don't do this because let me tell you what happens. What happens is you go, I want to work with animals. And then at some point you meet some producer guys 14 years older than you, and then you end up just marrying him, and then you're pissed at him because you had a dream about working with animals and you end up taking these easy route, you know, but you live in a cool place. But then there's a messy divorce.

[Jenna]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Jenna]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

So what do you want to do? I want you to live that dream.

[Jenna]

Honestly, I grew up in a really small town in Michigan. And so just being able to get on the road and travel is a good experience for me to kind of feel out where I want to go in life. I've always been very interested in the sporting world. So for me to be able to get on the road and kind of meet some new people and feel out where I want to go is a pretty cool thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you do pageants?

You've done pageants?

[Jenna]

I did one pageant in high school.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell people one too. More like 100 for me.

[Jenna]

Honestly, sports casting would be a pretty cool idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it would?

[Jenna]

Yeah. I want to get down on like courtside and get to get in some players faces.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you, I don't know, why don't we pull some sports?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, let's do it. Let's have a read it.

[Adam Carolla]

What about Ari over here? I mean, you know the guy sincere, he had his heart broken, you know, by that witch whose boyfriend died in a car, train, I mean a plane. But Ari over here, he's, you know, stadium truck's pretty fast growing sport. And you know, there's a little void in his heart. He's sincere, he's ready to settle down, obviously, or at least on camera.

[Jenna]

You've heard him, he's in it for the vacationing and the travel. I don't know about that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, that's what I would say if my heart was broken too. By.

[Jenna]

You think it's a front?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, you know, obviously she was attractive, but pops, owning Hendrick Motorsports, I mean that is soul crushing right there. That's brutal. That could have been your father in law. Jesus Christ. Sorry, Ari, but I mean that's. Rick Hendrick is pretty major. What's he have? A two kabillion square foot shop where he builds every NASCAR on the planet?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I'm not even really. I mean, I think NASCAR is awesome. I watch It. But I've never driven any nascar.

[Adam Carolla]

But would have been that future could.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Have been a little bit different.

[Adam Carolla]

Jenna, what's going on with you? Do you have. Do you have someone special?

[Jenna]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Oh, that sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? How old are you?

[Jenna]

Honestly, I'm 21, so I got some.

[Adam Carolla]

Time and not seeing anybody.

[Jenna]

I've seen a couple people. I've been going on some dates, but we'll see where it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

But not really spoken for.

[Jenna]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And Ari? You get along with Ari?

[Jenna]

Well, yeah, he's a good friend of mine. I mean, I get to know all the different drivers and stuff going through the series matchma.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I spotted. I spotted you two, you know, from across the way.

[Jenna]

He is a good guy. He gave me a ride. I was down in Arizona spending some time this week, and I was like, all right, well, I could pay for a flight to San Diego or, hey, will you give me a ride? So my eyelashes stuck up my thumb.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys drove to Arizona?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, we just drove here, cranked up some music.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh. So you guys, there's already. There's already the spark, the kindling. It's there. I've just got to. I gotta throw another log on this fire.

[Jenna]

That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all. Obviously.

[Jenna]

All right, you're both.

[Adam Carolla]

You're both easy on the eyes. You both love motorsports.

[Brian Bishop]

It'd be a crime if they didn't get together, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

She's never been, obviously, to this area, and we pass this motel and she's.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, my God, that.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

What was that place called?

[Jenna]

The motel? Glen Capri. One of my favorite movies. The Good Girl. It's got Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It's where she does all her naughty things.

[Jenna]

That was like, the highlight of my trip was getting to see that motel.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you could go in there and check out whatever fixtures above the bed.

[Jenna]

I didn't know you were going to take that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's too easy. But now, Jenna. So are you in town for a while?

[Jenna]

I'm here for the race. I'm going to be to San Diego, actually, is where we're going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

The race is this weekend in San Diego. A little plug there at the.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I'll get that out. Are you guys going to carpool over to San Diego?

[Jenna]

I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Perhaps a romantic trip into Tijuana before the race for a light Mexican meal.

[Jenna]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it depends. You can go single and Find romance if you like.

[Brian Bishop]

Romantic things happen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so. But there is. I'm not making this up. There's a little spark here, right? I mean, there's a little. There's some. Jenna. What is that? What does that look? Why can't a woman admit she's interested in a man?

[Jenna]

That makes you really give him that.

[Adam Carolla]

It makes you vulnerable.

Why? But I'm into me. I can admit it.

[Jenna]

He's a good guy to have on the market. Like he just came off a TV show. Every girl in America wants to be with him. He's a guy that is heartbroken, you know, like a guy like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Cuz that is. That is.

Understand now.

Oh, my gosh. All right, now hold on. Wait a minute.

He has to be on the market.

Wait a second. I just. It doesn't need to be on the mark. It needs to be on Jenna.

I feel like we don't know that he isn't.

Now listen, Chris, Max Pata over here is. I'm the exact opposite of what she just said. That's right. You want it. You want the opposite of the guy who, you know, sought after the anti.

Ari on the market.

That's Max Pata over there. He'll overcompensate, you know, sexually or, you know, the obvious. You know what I'm saying? I hear you just saying, don't knock it till you tried it.

All right, so you're saying outwardly he appears to have nothing to offer.

Right? But there's something there. I've seen the man in action. Yeah, he's a sleeper.

[Jenna]

He's got it.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a grower, not a shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, spiritually, yeah. Yeah, spiritually, yeah. All right, so, Jenna, wait. Ari, how old are you?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

31.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, 10 years. It's clean. That's clean. I thought.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It's like. Isn't it half your age plus seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what. That's what it is. So that's perfect.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It's like 23 or 4.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, the point is. Whatever. You're sure, though, you like Jenna, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, she's. She's adorable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jenna, you like Gary. I mean, enough with the nice guy business. Everyone's a nice guy. But you think he's cute, right?

[Jenna]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so he's nice and he's cute, but you're just doing that thing where it's like everybody wants to go on a date with you and I don't want to get in line, but yeah, right.

[Jenna]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a little of that. But if. But if Ari asked you out.

[Jenna]

Yeah, for sure.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Are you setting up a date?

[Adam Carolla]

You would go on a date?

[Jenna]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And you've never been on a date?

[Jenna]

I've never been on a date.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not with Ari.

[Jenna]

We've all hung out, like, at places. We go to all these.

[Adam Carolla]

But you've not been on a date.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Are you gonna.

[Jenna]

Are you setting us. I am a date right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing it.

He's Chris Harrison doing it.

You're my Chris Harrison. Jenna, would you like to go out with Artie Lugnut? Artie, he's our guest lunge day. Would you. Would you like to go out to dinner with Ari?

[Jenna]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Ari?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

We're gonna need a full report. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Of course.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you coming?

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming. It's an Amalfi on Wednesday. All right. So, you guys, is this a group date? When are we gonna do this? Because the race is coming up in San Diego. Qualcomm Stadium coming up on May 18th. That's this Saturday. Maybe Friday night.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Tomorrow night. I have to practice Friday night. Oh, tomorrow night. Thursday.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go for Friday night. Let's go for Friday night. Can we do Friday night practice?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

No, I'll be practicing.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Jenna]

Thursday, tonight or tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right, let's. Oh, tonight. Let's do tonight. All right, let's go. Ask me tomorrow. I gotta get dressed.

[Brian Bishop]

He's got to pick her up.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right, all right, all right. Do it. Do it tomorrow. But. Okay, that's good. And then get some sports for Janet Arena. Oh, wait, you do a good Sports Day final sports thing for. I'm sorry. Let me do Give a love. I've. And I felt like that was too easy. Was that too easy?

All right, to be perfectly honest. Don't listen, you guys. I'm wondering what foundation. Yes, exactly.

The whole.

That's what I'm wondering about.

From Flagstaff. And nothing happened.

Right. I'm wondering, are they at the point where, like, they're thinking about it or has there been a little dabbling? That's what I'm wondering.

Have you dipped your toe in Ari Lake?

Ari.

Lake. Ari.

[Jenna]

Lake Lugnut.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Lake Lugnut.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't.

It's another one of the Great Lakes.

[Brian Bishop]

Am I red right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Look how red I am right now. He's red.

[Jenna]

He's so embarrassed. I don't know why.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Because I'm being put on the spot. No, she is okay. You can answer.

[Jenna]

Here's my real question. Why am I reading off of a sports thing? I want to get down to people's face and say, hey, all right, I'll be.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what. After or somewhere in the news, I'll be, you know, one of the guys who's advancing in the NHL or NBA player. Let's go NBA. I don't want to do a fake black voice or weird Croatian accents. It's going to be tough. I'll be the white. The one.

[Brian Bishop]

You're the US Open one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You can ask me. Ask some NBA questions. I'll be Steve Nash, who just got traded on. I'm playing on a team that's still playing.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

There's the only white guy in the league.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Only white guy that's not Croatian.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find a white guy on one of the teams that's still in the playoffs.

[Jenna]

I'm a huge Celtics fan, and right now I'm pretty shaken up still that they didn't advance in the playoffs. I know it's because Rondo's out, but still a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do my best. Rondo, great story.

[Jenna]

Just sit and cry. That's Rondo right now.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll figure out the guy. We'll do it during the news. You just take a little shot of Mangria. It'll take the edge off. And all the rest of you that are listening. GoToMeeting, baby. Get the whole team together. Go to meeting. You can do it. It's better. I don't know if it's as good as a date with Jenna over here, but it'll have to do. GoToMeeting with HD faces brought to you by Citrix and get the entire team together. You do it online. You can share the same screen. You can show documents. It is unbelievable. Every time we have a meeting with a potential new sponsor on the show, we always use GoToMeeting. Ironically, we didn't use GoToMeeting to have a meeting with GoToMeeting.

[Brian Bishop]

You learned your lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

We met the guys on GoToMeeting, but every other client, we use GoToMeeting so we can see what they're doing. And it's just. They're great sponsors. It's unbelievable. And like I said, the whole screen, when they show everything, you can use it on your iPad, your computer, your smartphone, your tablet. Go to meeting. Start hosting face to face online meetings today with GoToMeeting. Free. 30 days free. Go to meeting.com, click on the try it free button. And use the promo code, Adam. All right. I'm Mark Gasol.

[Brian Bishop]

Of course. You're like, I don't want to be a Croatian guy. They could be a Spanish guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't do an acting manager nobly. I'll just be Mark as me now. What did they do? What's he on? The Grizzlies. The. Did they just win? Did they just lose? We'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. That's Powell's brother.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, he's maybe better than Powell Gasol.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but his team is better than Powell's team.

[Adam Carolla]

But he won. I think he won defensive player of the year, which is pretty good. And Powell, I think. And Powell Gasol was injured a lot. And he's younger.

[Brian Bishop]

You'd have to ask Bill Simmons, but I think Powell is regarded as a better player.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

But Bill would know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it definitely was. Definitely was.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But maybe this year Waning turned the corner. This could have. Could have been his Peyton Manning, Eli Manning moment. Maybe I should be doing the sports around here and going out with Ari Lyondyke Jr. We'll get in line. All right. All right. Jenna, would you like to. I'll be an out of breath. Marcus Shaw with no accent. Am I in the. Wait, I'm on the Memphis. Oh, we're leading. Is he on Memphis? Yeah, we were leading three to one. Okay.

What sport is this?

It's basketball. Just came off the court.

[Jenna]

All right, Mike, so I just saw you down there on the court, and honestly, I've got to say, when he tried to take it.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

You call me Mike?

[Jenna]

Mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Sorry, I'm out of breath. My head's got a crazy accent.

[Jenna]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Jenna]

So, Mark, I just saw you try to take that three point shot down there from outside the paint, and I've got to say, that was a risky shot. What made you think that you were going to try to make that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, most big men wouldn't squeeze the trigger on their side of the paint. But I'm tired of backing myself into other dudes cocks. So I decided to just turn around, squeeze the trigger. You know what I mean? Backing into those huge black eyes. Groins. That's all I do is back into their groins. Back into the groins. I'm not even upon them back into the groins.

[Jenna]

So I understand that your team's winning here, but the fact that you missed that shot could have put you ahead a little bit further before you went into the halftime. So you gotta Ask you next time when you get back up to the paint, what are you gonna do to make that shot?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, shout it from the mountaintops. I'm better than my gay brother pal and his sucky ass Lakers who think they can spend their way to a championship. This is called a team sport, you understand? I'm a team player. We have God on our side. You can't buy yourself a championship by just cherry picking expensive players from around the league and putting them together and asking them to have something called chemistry. Now, you don't buy chemistry, you earn it. That's an Adam Carolla move. He does that sniff. Although I don't want you to ever confuse me with the great Adam Carolla. He's simply the best. He's simply the best out there. Now, next time I'm gonna square off. I turn around. I didn't square off the hoops. I didn't get my hips or shoulders square.

All right, well, did you snort?

[Jenna]

Who snorted? I need to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are you gonna throw it back up to in the booth? Jenna?

[Jenna]

Who am I throwing it back up to in the booth? Yeah, Adam Carolla. He's up there ready to take some action.

[Adam Carolla]

Now throw it back up to Bill Simmons.

[Jenna]

All right, Bill Simmons, back to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. All right. That was pretty damn good.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, you're done. You're good.

[Jenna]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. All right. So did I just set you guys up?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, that was good. Good job. She's hot though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I don't notice. I focus on personality.

Wait, Adam, have you ever set people up before? Successfully or unsuccessfully?

Yeah, I mean, look, first off, when I see two of, you know, good looking versions of people, you want to breed them? I want to breed them. I feel the same way with almost everything. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, that's why, you know, it's that sort of.

It's your fondness for eugenics.

Yeah, it's my Laird Hamilton and what's her name effect. Gabby Reese. You see Gabby Reese? You ever see Gabby Reese in person?

I never had.

You're like, oh, Jesus Christ. It's a six foot, three, beautiful, beautiful, statuesque woman. And then you see Laird Hamilton, you're like, do you need a flow job? And it's like, you see Laird Hamilton and you see Gabby Reese, you're like, you, too. Start fucking now. We need. We need more of you. I mean, more of whatever comes out of you two.

Yeah, it's why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, it's so successful. I mean, it's so satisfying that they're together.

Yeah. Look at these two. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I mean, she's. I'm. I'm six two. She's six two or six three.

[Brian Bishop]

They're both masculine and feminine at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

They're both so spot on.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

That is so spot on.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, when you see. When you see Jenna and Ari Lyndyke, like, sitting at the end of the.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Can I have a power couple name. What would that be?

[Adam Carolla]

She's 6 3. I wish. I need Gendike Jen Dyke. That's all I can do because I don't know Jenna's last name. But when I see these two at the end, it's Joe. I see the end. I see him at the end of the sofa. You know, we gonna do.

I know. I. I assumed as well that they were together.

Yeah. All right, well, you're smart. Look, it was meant to be. And I love the Jennas of the world. She's 21, she got chutzpahs. She come over here to do stuff.

Plus, when's the last time you drove from Arizona to here or that kind of distance with someone that you weren't trying to put it in?

Well, me and Mike August drove to Vegas when I did.

Sternberg. That's my point.

That's a good point. He did get his on a serious.

[Brian Bishop]

Note about the road trip. The extended road trip that will make or break any budding relationship. Flirtation that will friendship, that'll make or break, you know, crystallize or turn into fragments.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you're a very attractive 21 year old girl and a guy says you want to drive, you know, from Phoenix to la, you don't accept the offer unless there's some interest. You have to understand that. Right? You offered, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was your offer.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. All right, all right, let's go.

Sorry. You were in Phoenix already?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, I live there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

All right.

Okay.

All right, this is. This is done. And especially when she's pointing out famous motels along the way. That's called a tell.

[Brian Bishop]

Not so famous movies. That was so strange.

[Adam Carolla]

I really like the good girl. Maybe I have a question.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I know, right? That was an awful movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

It was so good. Jennifer Aniston.

Yeah. And John C. Rose.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Like a supermarket was Mike. Mike White dies. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, spoiler, where were we? Little news. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Ileana Douglas]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it Cut. It's Allison. Allison.

O.J. simpson wants a new trial.

He deserves one.

He appeared on the witness stand in Las Vegas, and he says that his attorney in the case. This is the armed robbery case. Didn't adequately represent him. But what everyone is talking about mostly is just how sort of slumpy and heavier he looks.

Well, there's a couple of things. First off, the guy is, what, in his mid-60s?

65.

Oh, I was way off.

Sorry. Yes.

So he's in his mid. He's 65, and he's an ex jock. Ex jocks don't hold up real well for a couple of reasons. First off, they're used to eating and kind of doing what they want because they have these incredible metabolisms and physiques and stuff. And then secondly, they have bad arthritic hips and knees. They have joints that have gone bad from all the years. So they're not in good shape to run on the prison treadmill, which I hope is powering a generator, but. Or doing something like moving a washing machine or stamping. Yeah, stamping license plates. But you meet a appetite with life mixed with. I got a bum knee mixed with. By the way, not a lot of date nights in the joint. You know what I mean? Like, there's a place to let yourself go. It's in federal prison. Right? That's the place to let yourself go.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, none other than the great Bill Simmons pointed out once in a column that when athletes come out of prison, the food is so terrible, and they're used to putting, like, you know, fuel and supplements and protein involved in their body. And food is just slop. Just terrible, terrible slop.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a whole bunch of carbs and a bunch of.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, but you have all day to work out, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's true, but you can't turn that into. You're kind of an athlete. No, you know what I mean? You're an athlete. You know what? You gotta turn.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what we can agree on. You either come out of prison in horrible shape or phenomenal shape. It's not the same shape. You can pack on 30 pounds of muscle. Yeah. Like, some dudes just all they do is lift, you know? But OJ's jacked up. He's got nothing else to prove. But I feel like, this way, and I don't know if everyone feels this way. OJ pulled a gun on some pretty bad dudes, I guess. Like, to me, it's a lot about who you pulling the guns on, you know what I mean? Like, when a Crip kills a blood or blood kills a crap, I'm kind of like, you know what I mean? One less gangbanger to deal with versus home invasion kind of thing. Elderly Jewish couple watching the Price is Right and the Bachelor, and the bullets are flying, you know what I mean? So you kind of do that. This is just one gang taking out another gang. So I'm guessing there were some kind of bad dudes that were in there trying to sell his junk. So he's basically. He criminalized a criminal, which is fine with me, number one. Now we need to make up for the fact that he killed two people and he didn't have. Then he went to the Riviera to play a round of golf. So that's what's going on. But if you just want to be technical about it, he did not get convicted of that crime. And now this is a separate crime. That was if that crime wasn't in the hearts and minds of the jurors.

Yeah, it's interesting. How could you possibly find a jury that wasn't aware of that?

And I don't know all the ins and outs of the story, but let's just say O.J. simpson goes into the hall of Fame, then goes in the broadcast booth, then becomes some sort of semi philanthropist, plays golf, does some broadcasting, whatever, and then at the age of 60, we hear a story where he went into a Vegas hotel room, pulled a gun on some guys that were selling his memorabilia. Probation. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Semi embarrassing, footnote to his career.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, with a little probation. Not, hey, you're doing 10 years.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Like they're gonna. We're gonna get him this time, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not so I don't feel sorry for OJ but that's. In terms of the law. This is not really the way to do it. It's not how our system is set up. This.

You're so right. Emotionally, I don't like it, but I hate it, too.

But it's like he didn't. I don't know what. He went in a room, he threatened some. Some bad guys, and we'll get, you know, maybe we'll get a few more details.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you karmically okay with the way the whole sum of the equation, the end. The end of the justifying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fine with him never leaving prison for as long as I live. Meaning if he dies first, I still want him in prison.

[Brian Bishop]

You wouldn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is not the way our system is supposed to run where you get some bleed over from your last trial into your new trial about something else.

A friend of mine brought up a point, which is the guy got away with double murder. Shouldn't he wake up every morning and like, not even jaywalk? Like, shouldn't he play? Shouldn't he never ever even risk any law enforcement.

That's the part thing ever. Well, first off, that's how you know he did it the first time, because at some point he heard about these guys 18 floors above him who have a couple of his USC footballs with a fake autograph on it and went, motherfucker. And like, the point is, is nobody when you cannot. That's part of being able to hack someone's head off is to not have that dimmer switch where you go, let's let the discretion be the better part of valor here or something. Whatever. I don't know if he knows that one, but just saying who's valor? He should tattoo it. Put a fucking cap in his ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Stab that guy, cut his head off.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's why he is who he is. Like, you and I, if we got away with double murder, would be like. Like if I killed Mickey Thompson and his wife and I got away with it, it'd be like, no more killing any.

Yeah.

Turning over of stadium truck racing for me, at least for a while.

I get rid of the bike.

Yeah, I get rid of the bike all the year. But that's part of who these guys are. That's why we catch them, by the way they do other stupid shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The criminals gonna be a criminal. Yeah.

So Obama has forced out the top official at the irs.

Good.

He said Americans have a right to be angry about it. And I am angry about it. I will not tolerate this kind of behavior at any. This kind of. For anyone who doesn't know, it's come out that the people in the IRS were targeting political groups who were trying to get tax exempt status, meaning trying to become nonprofits. Political groups who were affiliated with conservative causes or who were conservative or Tea Party, were getting sort of extra scrutiny. I will not tolerate this kind of behavior at any agency, but especially at the irs, given the power that it has and the reach that it has into all of our lives.

Can we. Somebody, you know, wiser than me said this, but can we just fucking use this as some sort of beginning dialogue to wrestle the IRS away from. The IRS has become its own government. Do you know what I mean? Like, we're all beholden to the irs, like, everybody. I all feel like we're sort of citizens of the IRS now, and there's a lot of. They'll make your life miserable and don't let them do this and make sure. Can we just come down with some sort of simple tax whatever? Like just the pages, by the way, there's, you know, 17,000 pages of tax whatever. And they always do the. We got to shut down these loopholes for these rich guys. They're not loopholes. They're deductions. Rich guys spend a shitload of money, and when you spend a shitload of money, you go, okay, I pay a ton of taxes on this warehouse, but it's also my business. So I want to write off the. I want to write off some of the tax money that I pay in as a business expense. And that's. It's not a rich guy deduction. You should hope everyone has a loophole. That means everyone is paying a shitload of money and trying to pay. Trying to take a tablespoon of shit off the fucking barrel that I'm. Of money that I'm bringing to the federal government all the time. So they're not loopholes. They're deductions. You have them for everything. We all. You have them for your home office. You know, if you have a business. That's not what you call it. If you make $72,000 a year and you work from your home, that's not a loophole. That's a fucking deduction you have at business lunches. Everything is a deduction. And then it just keeps going and going and going. Because I've met, you know, I know guys like Nick Santora who are insane and writes crime novels and movies in Vegas and stuff like that. And Nick Santora's like, oh, this shit with Mangria. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Every time you order a drink at a club, that's you're doing research, you know, I mean, like, you go. You sell Mangria. Fine. That's a business. Great. When you go out to dinner and you order a beer or drink or wine, that's all written off, man, because it's all getting written off against Mangria because you're doing research for other. And I'm like, I don't have. I'm just too fucking tired to, like, keep every research and itemize everything and to do all that.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

But think about race.

[Adam Carolla]

Every single gallon of gas you put in your truck. The haul, the thing, the tires, all the mileage, everything, right?

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah. It's a lot of Work.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we all just agree on this? Look, if you make less, we'll pick some threshold. 40 grand. You make less than 40 grand a year, you don't pay tax. Fine. Just no income tax. Fine. And then we can step it up after that. And then we just do a flat thing. Whatever you make, you pay 30% of or whatever that is. And then that'll be that. And then we can get rid of. First off, what does it cost to run the fucking irs? I mean, how much? Ironically, they're collecting money because that money's going to the schools, it's going to the military, it's going to the potholes. Yeah, but you guys have built yourself a nation of just. I don't know how many employees for the irs. I don't know how much, how many cubicles you guys are taking up, but, I mean, it must cost billions of dollars to keep you guys afloat every year. So however many billions of dollars you bilk from the fucking citizens, you're gonna go ahead and lop off a couple billion just to slide it over to keep your lights on, ironically.

Yeah. And then when they pay taxes, do they just give a check to their friend?

They just leave it in their desk, everyone hands it to the next cubicle and so on it goes. It's a daisy chain effect. I'm just saying, no one understands it. And what it ultimately does is, first off, it employs. I have to pay a guy thousands of dollars to do my fucking taxes because I would be in jail if I did it myself or try to do it myself, number one. Number two, in a weird way, I think it pits Americans against Americans. There's a lot of people that don't pay anything. They think the people that do pay in don't pay in. They do the. You know, there's a lot of talk for, we gotta get rid of these loopholes for the. Well connected. I'm not connected. My dad's a lazy fuck who doesn't make any money. My mom's on welfare. She does nothing. And it's not a loophole. It's a deduction for all the fucking taxes that I pay. Otherwise I'd be paying 65%.

[Tracy Morgan]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Dan. So the point is, don't you think it would be much better if you just knew as an American, you make 100 grand a year, you keep 70, you make a million a year, you keep 700. Like that's it. There's no more. Hey, you with your loopholes, not paying your fair share or anything. It just be Donald Trump would pay whatever, 30%, whatever, flat tax. Boom in same with the school teacher. Doesn't matter. I don't mind a little step up for people making under a certain amount, but other than that, can we just fucking.

So you're saying, and you're saying there would be no deductions allowed?

No, just fucking move on. Now. I understand you do certain things like, well, we want people to get married, but let's just go tear up the thousands and thousands and thousands of pages and all the crazy fucking loop. I mean, I get it all. You know, my accountant says to me, look, if you, if you give Jimmy Kimmel's kid a gift of $100,000 and then he gives your kid a gift of $100,000, then that'll be tax free. And it's like, okay, and by the way, I'll do anything.

Did you do it?

Yeah, listen, I pay over 40%. I mean, I basically pay 50% or whatever, so I'll fucking do anything. I mean, bully. I'm being fucking dry fisted by the government. Me doing something that gets me from 51% to 48%. I don't give a flying fuck about that. I get nothing from them. They get tons of fucking money from me and they've given me shit. So I don't care if I give them 9%. I hope my guy figures out a way to give them nothing. I'm fine with that. I'm just saying what you do is you can create a competition. It's a situation where they go, we want a bunch of money. And you go, fuck, they can't have all that money. They're not doing any work. I'm the one who's doing all the work. And then you go, okay, let's try to figure out a way not to give it. And then they've created this us and them kind of thing. It's not the way. It's just take your 30%, go on, and we'll move on with our lives.

Interesting. The idea, what you're proposing, the idea that there would be no deductions, that there would be no way to go to an accountant who can help you with it, is. It's frightening. I mean, it's good.

I don't think.

I can't even wrap my head around taxes that would be done in such a simple way.

I think it creates a lot of bad will between. I think this country is being sort of divided. I think the president has done a fantastic job of doing this have and have not thing. And these people don't want you to have. And like I said, it's always well connected. It's never hard working or motivated. It's always the rich, the well connected, and the loopholes. And I'm fucking tired of everyone who busts their ass working every weekend being painted as a well connected guy with a loophole and an account offshore. I'd like to get rid of all of it. Pay the 30%, and if you're making under 40 grand, you pay nothing. Just move on.

And by the way, your well connected friends have to say, fucking government.

Stop fucking squandering. Stop growing retard. Let's give the government some of your medicine that shrinks your tumor.

[Brian Bishop]

Ooh, speaking of what we're looking at a picture of Mr. Shulman, the now ex commissioner of the IRS. Isn't it nice when people look exactly like what they do? Yes, Mr. Schulman is the ex commissioner of the IRS.

[Adam Carolla]

His name should be Ned.

Yeah, Ned Schulman. Yeah.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

And he looks at the guy behind him.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks like. What's the guy who does a mighty wind and you know. Yeah, he's got some.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a very skinny. Christopher Guest.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when. When Christopher Guest goes bulimic on you or anorexic. That's. That's what he. That's what he looks like. Yeah. All right.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

But in racing, we like people who need to get big deductions on taxes. So they'll sponsor us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. That's a good deduction. Yeah.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

That creates, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Do you know much, Ari Lyndy Jr. Lost us this year. That's all getting written.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Exactly. You need to sponsor something.

[Tracy Morgan]

There you go.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

You can sponsor the super trust.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of finances, by the way, personal capital. Now you need these guys managing your money. I think I just did 10 minutes on that. You keep track of your stocks, your bonds, your 401ks, IRAs, bank accounts, cars, receipts, all the stuff going out and all the stuff coming in.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll stand some of your stuff coming in.

[Adam Carolla]

Theoretically, it would be nice. Personal capital. It's really cool. Their website is unbelievable. It is mind numbing. You will see a graphic of what you're spending versus what is coming in in real time. And again, all the bonds and the stocks. You can keep an eye on everything on your computer. They have an app you can do on your phone or your tablet. Setup is super easy. It's super quick. You can watch your money grow. You keep track of your money and focus on your money. And it's free. Speaking of money free go to AdamCroll.com, click on the personal capital banner. All I can tell you is that you will not be disappointed, and your mind will be blown. I defy you. Go to personal capital. Go to amcroll.com, click on the personal capital banner. And then somebody tweet me if they don't like it. I want to hear you. I challenge you to give me a negative twat. Whatever the past tense of tweet is.

[Brian Bishop]

Do it if you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Coming together. Yeah, we're just.

[Brian Bishop]

He has a major illness and loses about £40. That's him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, that was a skinny guest, right? All right, all right. Half a story or bring it home?

Which one?

Yeah, we better bring it home.

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Dip it.

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, boy. I need this more than ever. Lumosity.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got to work that brain out, people. Although I do realize my constant complaining is a good, good workout for my brain.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you done it yet?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Fun.

[Adam Carolla]

It's unbelievable. Which game? What's your favorite one?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I like the word games because that's what I'm good at, but the math games are the hardest for me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

Although it's kind of blackjack, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, computer. It's a video game, but it works your brain. You know this in racing? Yeah.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

We do it for our physical checks, like, to see if we have a concussion. So we'll do, like, a pre and a post. This is a little similar to that.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a workout. This is like, we're gonna tune your brain for memory. We're gonna tune it for focus. We're gonna tune it for multitasking.

[Brian Bishop]

And again, very similar, but it tracks your progress.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, we sit around, you know, hey, you want to work on your core? You sit on that yoga ball, and someone throws you a medicine ball, and you work on your core. This the core. The core. The core, baby. The brain. Lumosity.com. it's like a personal trainer for your brain. Sharper, focused, more. You're better in meetings, better on first dates.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I'll take it tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Start training today. Go to lumosity.com and you can click on the start training to begin for free. That's free. L U M O. Tell them you heard it from me, and you train for free. Again. Do your biceps all you like, kiddies, but the brain, that's what pays the dividends. All righty, then. I want to thank Jenna, for coming in here, not coming in here, but at least looking at us through the glass. I'm going to be doing a little mangria tasting. That's right. Napa, California shiners this Saturday. And gonna be doing a little race in at Sonoma Sears Point on Saturday and Sunday. Yeah, so.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

So you won't be able to make our race, San Diego.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I will be racing with you in my heart. Also gonna be doing a little what the hell else. Ah, yeah, me and Dr. Drew reunion tour volume one. Three shows from all over the country out on itunes. You want to check those out? And doing a little mangria bottle sign in Costa Mesa coming up. Just go to the calendar, take a look. All the live shows, all the good stuff. Ari Luyendyk, Jr. Thank you so much for coming in.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

Yeah, thanks for having me, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

For sure.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

It was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fresh air.

[Ari Luyendyk Jr.]

I got a date out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. You did until then. Yeah, you did. Until next time, Sam Crow Ferrari lined up. Guinea. Allison Rosen ball. Brian Saiyan. Mahalo. Oy de doi, de doi.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Carlos Show 1079. Coming up for our next clip today we have Adam Carlos Show 1087.

[Adam Carolla]

Ileana Douglas.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison Rosen. Brian Bishop, also from 2013. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good to see you. Allison Rosen.

Hello, Adam Carolla.

And the bald one. Bald Brian. Hey, Ed just took a shit. You want to come inspect it? Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

That was requested by Oldbrian on runner. Hashtag top drop. You want to get a drop in the top show?

[Adam Carolla]

One of my favorites, Ileana Douglas is going to be in here in a couple of few, man. She's been in everything and couple pieces of business. We're going to do my favorite tweets. You guys tweet me things and some of it's great and I put it aside and we get to it every once in a while. What I hold before me is entitled important news to my wife. It's teacher appreciation week. That was last week. Each day next week we'll have theme. Seems like there shouldn't be typos on the school based stuff, you know what I mean? Sends a weird mixed message to the kids.

[Brian Bishop]

There's several typos in the first paragraph. I was looking at this before you got here.

[Adam Carolla]

Very alarming, I know. Anyway, we split the students into five groups. Each group is assigned a certain day with a certain theme. That child assigned to that day will bring the item that coincides with the theme. The whole school thing, it's weird because you're removed from it a little bit is turned into one big reach around just everyone just. It's a fucking daisy chain where everyone's just yanking each other off. Like, you better report that it's appreciation this day. It's that day. It's like dad comes to class and burns. Everything should just be called burns. A work day day where dad, oh well, the dads are coming in at 9am and looking at useless shit for 45 minutes and then getting the stink I when they say they got to go back to work. But there's nothing.

Thank the dads for coming in day.

There's nothing but events. And the events now have now moved into the teacher. So I'm sitting around and I was just talking to my buddy Kevin. It's like, oh yeah, to go down and go pick up some flowers the night before. Because you know, Tuesday is flower day. I have it here. There's lunch. Monday's flower day. Monday. Tell me the days do you have?

Monday is flower day.

This is for the teacher.

Please bring her one or a bunch of flowers. Tuesday is sweet day. She loves her sweets. Bring her something yummy. Wednesday is blank thank you card day. Bring a blank art wise. Thank you. What is that?

[Brian Bishop]

I guess very specific request.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an art card that has art on it. But it's blank.

Well, you're supposed to fill it in, I guess.

Bring a blank art wise thank you card. Thursday, fruit bowl day. There will be a beautiful bowl on her deskling. Please drop a couple pieces of delicious fruit in it for her. And Friday is TGIF day. Please bring her anything fun and fabulous. Now what really stuck out to me in this email?

Oh, there's a lunch day in there too somewhere. Or at least lunch was a big part of the thing where I was talking to my wife saying, well, how do I know? What do you know? And then I start thinking, what this thing. It's all my kids are in the first grade, by the way. And it's every day some event involving. And it's this thing where they go, we're involving the parents, but let's not involve the parents. It's called school. The parents will go to work and then you handle the kids.

Well, they need volunteers to bring her a coffee and a pastry Monday through Thursday. And she likes mocha frappuccinos, any pastry or muffin from Starbucks. And then also we need volunteers to purchase and deliver her lunch at noon sharp to the office. Or you may deliver it yourself. And then there's a schedule.

There's a week. This is a week. This fucking Ramadan doesn't last this long. It's insane. They've dedicated a week. Like, okay, look, it's the last day of the school day of the year. Bring in something that you think would suggest that you appreciate what you're doing. You know, like, here's the way it should work.

If you're her, wouldn't you just rather have cash?

A number one, I would like an Italian wedding. Number two, the idea that this is mandated does not make me feel good. Like, hey, who's gonna bring flowers? Well, my back's hurt. All right, who else gonna step up? Like that idea, like, the notion of bringing your wife flowers is nice, but having somebody browbeat you into doing it.

[Brian Bishop]

The assignment aspect of it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's gonna bring her lunch? Who's gonna bring her a fru?

Like, it sort of takes away from the genuine gesture of it.

Well, if she's in a Guatemalan prison, then it's important that you bring her fruit bowl because she's going to get scurvy and things like that. Cigarettes, reading material, you know. But if she's capable of getting her own Frappuccino, and then it's just assigned to somebody, it kind of takes away from the spirit of this whole thing. The way it should be done is on the last day of school, if in you feel like your teacher did a good job, maybe they didn't. But if you feel like your teacher did a wonderful job and the parents feel like they did, then you can bring in a token. And that token could be anything from here's 20 bucks to I got you a gift certificate at Burke Williams. Or here's a book I'm reading, or here's a Subway sandwich. Like, but not. Not assigning people shit to go, hey, appreciate me.

[Brian Bishop]

And very specific items, too. Flower day and blank thank you card day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. And it's, you know, the whole teacher thing when they do the. Well, now, listen, there's also. There was bring in school supplies day. Can you guys help me with the school supplies supply? Is it just me? Because I feel like you can go into the 99 cent store and buy a fucking ream of paper for 99 cents, 100 peachy folders and 1,000 pens and get out of there for under $5. You know, there's this constant thing where, like, these kids don't have supplies. I don't know where it's going. By the way, it started with they don't have breakfast.

Is this public school?

No, this is public school, but it's this way everywhere. They don't have supplies they can't teach because the teacher has to buy pencils. Cause her shit's out of lead. Like, aren't pencils essentially free now? Like, aren't pens almost free? Can you not get a Chubb pack of pens for 99 cents? Can you not get three highlighters in different colors for 99 cents? Like, what is going on? I mean, the food part is insane. I was screaming the other day about oatmeal, 18 cents a serving. But how about this in terms of the most nutritious breakfast your kid could ever have, far exceeding the nutritional value of anything the LA Unified School District could conjure up. How about a couple of hard boiled eggs and an apple and a pencil? What's that, 30 cents? What would it cost? What's two hard boiled eggs and an apple? From a nutrition standpoint, you're never gonna beat it. The kid's not gonna be thrilled. Tough shit. It's good for you. And we're done. And how long does it take to boil 12 hard boiled eggs and put them in the refrigerator for the week? And then how much does it take to pull an apple out of a sack and hand it to the kid?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, but that'll be a very gassy class.

[Adam Carolla]

What? That is funny. What are we getting? What can we look forward to? Like, these kids can't afford supplies. They can't afford breakfast again. No one is saying, hey, they need. They need a Lear jet to get to school. Or they need a leather ensemble. It's just a couple eggs or an apple or a pen or something. Like, I don't get the supplies. First off, what are we really talking about? Construction paper and paste. The stuff we're talking about is the cheapest stuff you can do.

Sometimes supplies means textbook, I think. Or maybe that's a whole separate thing.

[Brian Bishop]

But it's. It sucks that it comes on. Anyone comes down to anyone but the school to do this. Like the teacher. It sucks they have to do it. It sucks that the kid has to bring his own. Whatever. I mean, it's. It's like. It's like in the radio days when you used to have to get our own peanut butter. It's like, well, so pennywise and pound foolish. Why are you upsetting the fucking talent? Why are you upsetting the people that you're buying the peanut butter for?

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not guarding myself.

[Adam Carolla]

The. No, not talent. The. The thunderstorm. The textbooks are the textbooks. That's the property of the school, they just get passed on to the next group that comes in. My textbooks are always 15 years, 25 years old, whatever, at least 25, 30 years old.

Those are the best. Because they had doodles on them.

Yeah, but the textbooks the school just passes out in the first grade, they don't have any textbooks, but there's all this. These kids don't have food and they don't have supplies and I don't know what supplements supplies. We're not camping, we're just fucking drawing shit. They need a couple of pencils.

[Brian Bishop]

If you were camping, the food would be the supplies.

[Adam Carolla]

And then go to the 99 cent store and pretend like you want to be involved with your kids. And this thing of. Well, yeah, but a lot of these people can't afford. Go get it and get involved. Because as I was saying the other day it kind of dawned on me and first I started laughing. But think about it, you're in the first grade, you just get indoctrinated into this system. You get pulled into this system where everyone's feeding you and supplying you. Now you're 25 and you're ready to get married. Who's going to cater my wedding? Come on la, step up. There's people out there can pay for this, can't they?

[Brian Bishop]

Pass the hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Why can't the taxpayer pay for my. I don't want to get married, I don't have money. Who's going to cater it now? Come on taxpayer, step it up. So, yeah, so now the kids have to feel fantastic about themselves, which I understand, they're kids. Everyone's got to feel like their shit doesn't stink. But how fantastic do the teachers have to feel about themselves before they enter what is, by the way, going to be a three month vacation? People never really factor that part in. Like, hey, you know, she's only making $67,000 a year, right? But she gets three weeks off around Christmas time, then she gets another two weeks off around Easter time. And then she gets like, you know, 19 weeks off over the summer. Like this is aunt's, her work day is eight to three. Oh, she's not grading anything after that. It's in the first grade. I mean there's not that many. What job? They're not working. They're really literally not working one third of the time. I don't know who here has a job where they just get months off. I mean these people now leave like late May, very early June and come back in the middle of September. Like this is a fucking Long time professional athletes.

[Brian Bishop]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And even they have to train year round.

[Adam Carolla]

So prorate this shit. I mean, you're not getting 70 grand a year or 65 grand a year. You're getting closer to 90 grand a year. If you're getting 65 and you're taking three months off your shit, feel free to work during that period. But either way, not heroes. I never had one teacher that was a hero. Did you guys have a hero teacher? No.

[Brian Bishop]

I had teachers I liked for sure, but not heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

No heroes.

All right, let's do any teachers you liked?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I mean, you got along with. I mean, but I mean, like teachers, like, if they had a positive.

[Adam Carolla]

He had Gary Smith.

[Brian Bishop]

You didn't have Gary Smith?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he was my coach. I had a.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the sad part, didn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

I had a couple of coaches I like and I had Mr. Spaeth, but that's only because he was like 98 years old and he didn't know. He didn't know. So we used to walk out in the middle of class, like me, Ray and Chris. In the middle, during class. We'd just go, ah, Spaeth, we're leaving now, we're going to the bathroom. And he'd go, now listen, young fella. And we just. We just sort of keep walking because he was just clinging to life and there's nothing he was going to do and he didn't give a shit. Like, he wasn't going to do anything anyway.

So he was a teacher who made a difference in your life.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam Sighting is the one who made a difference. Lasting impact.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Like the coolest security guard in cell block H. He didn't beat me or fuck with me, only raped me twice. Yeah, that's the way I looked at. No, I had a counselor named Mr. Tomy and his whole. The counselors were part. They were part parole officer, part game warden. They weren't really. They didn't counsel, like, not counseling in a sense that I ever sat down with Mr. Tomey and he went, well, now look, you're. You're verbally oriented scholastically. You're not performing where you could, but obviously you have intelligence and maybe we could channel it. It was more just like, don't take this class. That's too smart for you and you're in trouble and where's your emergency card? And you got suspended. That was about it. I don't know. Did you guys have discussions with counselors about where you were going and what you may be doing? All the time.

[Brian Bishop]

All the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm wondering if. Do you think any counselor now these days is. Attempts to even is stand up comedian or a career in comedy or entertaining or that kind of thing? Is that even discussed, like in a real way? Like if you could do this, but you have to work really hard and here's how to do it. Or is it just kind of that well with YouTube?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not a real career now that YouTube exists and people sort of do. And podcasts and people do stuff. Yeah, maybe. I mean, when I was like I said the counselor was someone you avoided. If you were in your counselor's office, that meant you were either getting suspended or you were going to get someone else suspended because you would get suspended if they didn't like that was it. There was never. I remember getting suspended. I remember that discussion because Mr. Tomey had to pull my emergency card, which I filled out with gibberish and then forgot about because I'd done it in the 10th grade and now I was a senior and I was being suspended. So he had to go for my emergency card to find out where my dad's work number was and emergency numbers and things like that. I filled mine out in line. The story goes that they give you an emergency card and they go, look, if you get in a horrible accident on the football practice, football practice, we need to know where to call your dad and to figure out whether to pull the plug on the life support or whatever. So you fill out this emergency card and then you take it home. There's Mr. Ron Tomey right now. And you take it home and you have your parents sign it. And then we know this is valid information and then you register, but you cannot register for your classes until you get the card filled out. And I was like, oh, shit. And of course I fucked up. Never took the card home. I never took anything home. I never had my parents sign anything. And it was registration day. I was like, oh, shit, I'm not going to get any classes I want. So I just started filling the card out myself. And then once I started filling out became a. A joke. Then my mom's workplace became Hollywood and Vine and she had a pimp with her employer's name, Lucius or something. And then it was your first book. My dad essentially was. His job was. He worked for the government. And then everything under that was classified. I just wrote classified. Every phone number, every address, everything classified. So when Mr. Tomi saw fit to suspend me, he was pulling my card and he was pulling it and I hadn't filled it out in two years. So I'd sort of forgotten about it. And he pulled it out, and he was reading it, of course, in a way that I couldn't see it, but he was looking at me across the table and he said, who filled out this card? Which never. There's no good answer. There's no good answer to that.

[Brian Bishop]

And he kind of knows. He knows the answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell my chicken scratch how I misspelled everything and everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, the R's are backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did you fill this card out? I was like, yeah, maybe. Probably. You don't know. It's hard to tell sometimes. You know, catch as catch can with me and emergency cards.

[Brian Bishop]

You betcha.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

So now the problem is we did not know where my dad worked, and we could not find his phone number or anything. And I. I was being suspended and someone was having to come pick me up or something, and we couldn't find anyone's name or any information on anybody. But, yeah, I got suspended. And then Mr. Tomey also explained to me that a class was too hard for me. I remember reading the fine print on that discussion and going, well, that feels good.

Yeah. I didn't have any positive conversations with my counselor. Well, the only positive thing was that she told me that I was setting my sights too high on the schools I wanted to go to. So I, like, was like, fuck you. I'm getting in early decision. Cunt.

I like that. Yeah. We didn't have any discussions about schools or anything like that. Even now, I was getting letters of potential scholarship to play football at school.

[Brian Bishop]

That's his feeling. He should have.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a coward.

[Brian Bishop]

That's his job, to get people into college. He had letters coming from athletic offices, departments, football programs.

[Adam Carolla]

Never had it. Never. Never had a discussion. The joke's on him. I was cleaning carpet inside of six months after I graduated. You showed him absolutely something important that.

I don't want us to just skedaddle past. Guess how many exclamation points are in this email about teacher appreciation point?

[Brian Bishop]

Heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

I counted them.

19, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

17.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 17. How are you so good at things like that?

No, he doesn't get credit for that. That's based on my 19.

[Brian Bishop]

That's true. I wanted 19 to be fair, but that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

You're both right.

We're both winners.

Yeah, that's good.

Where's my flowers and sandwich and frappuccino? I'll tell you where it is. It's an evoice, baby. It's like having your own Receptionist makes you seem like a pro. Oh, boy, it really does. I mean, you want, you know, you want to staff up, but that's expensive. Yes, Brent.

[Brian Bishop]

There's no Evoice appreciation there. You have to bring Evoice flowers and Evoice card. Think about that, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Like sealed ball bearings, baby. Secretary appreciates it. No maintenance whatsoever. That's right. They've helped thousands of entrepreneurs. And you work faster, you save money, but you seem like a big kasha. That's Italian. Like a big parade. Makes it seem like a big deal. But again, you're not. You're just a little guy smart enough to use Evoice. You want to try it for free? Try it right now. Go to evoice.com promo code adam. It's virtually like having an assistant. You can own your own toll free number, dial by name directory. Plus all the calls are professionally answered and routed wherever you want. You know, you know the part about how they type out your voicemail messages and turn them into emails? It's unbelievable. Anyway, like having a receptionist and no flowers. You can start at 10 bucks a month. Just 10 bucks a month? Try it out for free right now. 30 days free. Go to evoice.com promo code Adam. Or just go to Adamcroll.com, click on the evoice banner. All right, we got favorite tweets. Let's do a few of those, shall we? You tweet him crap about passion for iced tea via Gosa and pizza with goat cheese. The stupid signs on Los Angeles streets. These are a few of his favorited tweets. All right, you guys have heard me scream about the clicket or ticket thing all over the expensive lit up billboards, over the freeway signs. It could be used for something for good. Like every time you see a PSA or some something, something enters your purview. Like you see something and it says nothing. Not only is your time wasted, but that's one more kid that's missing that you could have. You could have gotten a look at. You know what I mean? Like there's missing children out there. Put a fucking picture of one of them up.

[Brian Bishop]

Think about how much sooner those girls in Cleveland would have been found if they had just put their picture up a little bit more instead of click it or ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

What does click it? First off, I can't understand. It lets me know how apathetic and how stupid our government is. TV commercials and commercial time is expensive. People spend a lot of money to get their products in front of these eyeballs because There's a lot of eyeballs. So when you run your stupid PSAs, realize that that's worth a lot, and they have to produce these things. So here's the group that we're trying to target. We're trying to target a group of people who ignore the fact that there's a placard and a buzzer going off inside of the thing that they're in that we want them to fasten the seatbelt in. Right. Who is that group? Let's just show of whatever. Here's. I'm going to define this group. You need to a. Find me somebody, you know, that just refuses to wear their seatbelt. Find that person in your life.

[Brian Bishop]

The mailman.

[Adam Carolla]

The mailman does not wear the seatbelt. That's true. Find that person, that loved one, that friend, that family member, that famous celebrity that does not wear the seatbelt that you're aware of now. And here's the scary part, and there is that guy where it's like, well, my friend's old man just refuses to. He's 67 years old. He just don't like it. He don't like the man telling him what to do or whatever it is. He was in a car accident. His car went chappaquiddick and saw his younger brother drown to death in a marsh. And he swore at that point that he'd never put on another seatbelt. Fine. There's one guy that's very specific. Okay, maybe does anybody. Gary Dawson. Okay, so nobody knows anybody who doesn't wear their seatbelt. Right? So, all right, but even if you did know that person, you would have to have that person have their mind changed by this. And I would argue that person's dug in.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's not like, oh, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Yeah, I'm killing strippers. But if you did a PSA that said knock it off, I wouldn't go, huh? All right, Put the duct tape and the zip ties away. Like, that's my thing. Not wearing a seatbelt.

You committed to not wearing it with.

The chime going off and the placards flashing on the dashboard, you know, and all the clicker tickets of, you know, you've just chosen not to. But here's a TV commercial. Or I think we have. We may have the TV commercial, but do we not have other problems other than this? All right, let's just watch it. Just, uh.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, he sees the cops, so he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Fumbling for his fat white guy. What? Hey, at least they Got a brother in there. It's by the way, are there women who drive drunk or don't wear seat belts? Fake wearing your seat belt. Remember this. Cops have been trained to spot seat belt violations even at night. And they don't give out fake tickets day or night. Click it. Or ticket. That's interesting.

How have they been trained to spotted? I'd like to know.

That's trained fucking flunkies, number one, okay? This is a problem that doesn't exist. If you guys turn on the news and went, oh my. There was a horrific car crash and the guy wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Do you ever hear that anymore? Like the family wasn't wearing their seatbelt. And you used to hear it used to be, oh, if they'd only been wearing their seatbelt, they'd be alive. Sam Kinison be alive today. But it doesn't really exist anymore because all cars come with them built in, and everyone I know wears them. Yet we have major problems in our society. Major problems. And we act like buzz. Driving and not wearing your seatbelt are the only. What is that as a society where we just take all our fucking eggs and we shove them into one retarded basket?

They're really non controversial things to get behind, right?

If you go, hey, let's quit having kids out of wedlock, then somebody's gonna go, hey, man, that's racist. And then go, I didn't bring up race. And they go, yeah, but this affects this community more than it affects that community. And the next thing you know, you're on your heels and you go, fuck it. Let's talk about seat belts. That's what we're doing, right?

I think so. I remember in high school there was this, I don't know, it was like mock city council. That's the kind of nerd I was. And my team wanted to have mandatory AIDS testing for doctors. That was our bill. And the other team wanted CPR training in school, and they won. I was like, well, because you can't. Cause everyone's in favor of CPR training. We're trying to change the world.

[Brian Bishop]

You have the uphill battle, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So there's nothing, there's no controversy about telling people to wear a seatbelt, Thus there's no necessity for it. But yet we'll just waste everyone's fucking time. And I don't know what those things cost to produce, but we're paying for them. And then whatever the airtime is, and again, we get the airtime for free in that 60 seconds, we could have seen 20 missing kids.

Yeah.

But instead we have to see bad actors doing. Engaging in an activity that seems foreign to us.

In 2013, I would even handle missing dogs because people who have a missing pet would give a lot of money.

The other thing they have on there is it's exclusively males and almost exclusively white males. If you take a look at any of the. Just to show that these guys are complete pussies and they don't want to deal with any controversy whatsoever. The drunk driving one, just six white dudes.

Like, first off, the home invasion is white dudes.

I know a couple Latin guys have gotten a few DUI tickets in my day. So it's like saying, first off, women can't drive without a seatbelt. Or women can't drive drunk, or Latin guys can't drive drunk or without a seatbelt. Women. It's weird. It just shows you that they want nothing to do with anything. Like, somebody said, do a PSA and you went, all right, I don't want to get. I don't want Jesse Jackson or Al sharpening up my ass. I don't want to deal with Guy Aoki. I don't want to deal with any groups. I don't want any fucking feminist groups up my ass. Like, I don't want to. Gay and lesbian, whatever. I don't want anybody up my ass. So give me five white guys, let's do seatbelt safety and call the day, and we'll just waste a bunch of taxpayer money and time.

[Brian Bishop]

How come it's never a woman? I never thought about that. Even I understand the home invasion thing. I bet they're a small percentage of that population. But the. The bus driving or the no seat belt thing, they gotta be close to half every.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, everything in society is, where's the woman? Where's the woman? Where's the woman? Where's the woman? I'm talking to my buddy Kevin Hench. They're staffing up. They're doing another season of Last Man Standing. It's every conversation. We got to get women in the writers room. We got to find women. We got to include them. We got to get them in here. We got to get them in here. We got to get them in here. We have to get them in here. So every single thing is. You must include a woman. You can't have astronauts or senators or something. Where's the representation? Where's. Okay, well, if you're going to represent them in happy places, you must represent them in unhappy or unflattering places. You can't Just go, hey, we're going to make a movie. And you know, I don't know what percentage of judges or black females in real life, but in movies it's 93%. Okay, so good. There's a happy depiction of us. But you can't just go, let's do the happy stuff. And then all the home. Well, of course all the home invasion stuff is always just white guys with a little bit of scruff and that they don't want to deal with. But for the DUI commercial, that is six dudes. That's nothing but dudes. Plenty of women. I think the woman who founded MAD got a DUI mother's Against Drunk Driving. Here's the DUI commercial. Guy's on a motorcycle. Now, it's at the point where you would say, like, don't we gotta throw a chick into this mix? Or like, don't we gotta throw a brother into this mix? Just to. Just to even it out? Which they always do for everything.

[Brian Bishop]

All the beer pouring out, it's. That's a tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It'll give you away.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, anyway, there you go. They are hard earned tax dollars at work. We're producing commercials. And again, we have so many fucking problems. Just look, if you want to focus on the road, let's focus on the road. Every single one of those Explorer Firestone tire blowout things were because the tires did not have the right tire pressure in them. People died. SUVs rolled over, people were killed because they didn't have the right pressure. The tires were faulty, but it wouldn't have happened if they had the right pressure. Every year, millions of barrels of oil are wasted because people are driving around without the proper tire pressure. And your car's getting horrible mileage. Your tires are wearing out faster. So whatever the energy it costs to pull the tire off and throw it in the landfill and do whatever and buy a new set of tires, it costs billions of dollars.

That's the entire question.

Yes.

I was told you're supposed to go on what the car says is the right.

Yes.

Pressure versus the tire. Is that true?

No. It depends. The car will tell you inside the driver door usually what the pressure they want you to run. But if you then go buy new tires that aren't the same as what came with the car. It's somewhere in between what's on the door, but go of what's on the tire. But nobody's driving around with that. Nobody knows about that. They don't have. You know, there's no more air being pumped out at the gas station anymore because those Mayberry days are gone. And people. And now, to get more specific, mostly women, or at least many of the dudes I know now are completely helpless, are driving around with the wrong pressure in all four of the tires, which is not only a hazard. I mean, you're liable to get a blowout, but you're liable to get a blowout and just pull off the side of the freeway and then get hit by a drunken truck driver. But you're getting shittier mileage. You're putting strain on the engine.

I was going by what my car says, all right?

And listen, that should be the psa, but instead it's put your fucking seatbelt on. All right. Other favorite tweet. I'm sorry, what do we have? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. What is this one? Oh, it's a. Oh, now it's gone. Oh, yeah, it's on the Metro. It's my favorite Obama quote. It's a dad. Is that a mom? That's unclear what that is. What makes you a man? It's a dude. I guess what makes you a man isn't the ability to conceive a child. It's having the courage to raise one. See, again, what we've done is we've turned responsibility into some sort of lofty, unobtainable goal. Courage. No, it's not courage. It's your kid. You have to take care of him. It's called an obligation. Look up the definition of courage versus obligation. You're obligated to take care of your kid. It's your kid. It's not an option. So this thing of, like, the courage to do it, it's like, oh, man, that's nice. That guy's a fucking. That's Audie Murphy over there. He's raising his fucking kid. All right, go ahead. Now you got to look up Audie Murphy.

[Brian Bishop]

Who's Audie Murphy?

[Adam Carolla]

Now we got to look it up. The point is this.

[Brian Bishop]

He was great in Trading Places.

[Adam Carolla]

You are supposed to nay. You have to. Or at least you used to have to raise your kid. We've turned it into a loft goal and an option, and we're reinforcing it with these kind of fucking posters where we're going, hey, man, it takes courage. Fuck courage. You have to raise your kid. Now go fucking do it, dickhead. These posters shouldn't be like. It's like the one that makes me never want to stop vomiting. It's the Taco Bell one that says, do the impossible. Graduate high school. What Are you fucking guys nuts? Do you understand what you're doing? First off, you're telling someone to do something impossible. Here's what impossible is. Grab yourself behind the knees and pull until you levitate off the ground. That's impossible. Graduating high school is something my buddy Ray did. All right, let's see. Courage, a quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty. Is that what that says?

Yeah.

Face difficulty, danger, pain, etcetera, etcetera. Without fear and bravery. That's basically what it is. Yes. You have to be brave to raise your kid. I don't know why face difficulty got turned into one word, but either way, that's courage. It's not courage. This is responsibility. You shit out a kid, you have to pay for that kid's lunch and his school supplies until that kid is done going to school. Probably around 18, hopefully. All right. And then you can look up Audie Murphy, too, just for fun. Also, the misspelling of my name. We never stop with this, but it's taken a new turn, which is. It's misspelled at the top of the article, and then just beneath it, it's spelled correctly, which is now completely and utterly insane. This is NBC. It's talking about Carolla. This is the patent trolls trying to sue us over here. And I think you'd have to blow it up a little more for us to see it. But yeah, these guys buy patents and then they just sue people and they try to remove money. They're basically. They're the opposite of everything that this country is about. It's just chicken shit way to raise money for people that don't deserve it. But at the top, it has my name spelled Corolla. Corolla spelled correctly. And we'll figure it out. Then right beneath it, it's spelled incorrectly. Now it's in bold C, A, R. And then once they start writing the article, they just go ahead and spell it a different way. What's going on, Allison? I feel like you should know about this somehow.

Well, I think that maybe the person writing the headline isn't the one who wrote the article. Possibly. But this means, like, there. There's a lot of people who aren't doing their job properly because not only should you be fact checking the spelling of the name, but then when you should be cross checking within. I mean, I realize that this is not a print magazine. This is online. So maybe it's not the same people.

But it's like Adam Carolla show right beneath it in the article, in the body of the article.

Not only should something be. Should you check to make sure you have the right spelling, but then you check within the piece to make sure that you're not spelling it different ways within it. So there's a few balls that have been dropped here.

Yeah. All right. I just. It's insane that you're doing it two ways within. If you look at the page, it's within an inch and three, eight of each other. It's not like. Well, you flip the page 19 and it's misspelled.

It's on the front page, right underneath it, a paragraph.

People read this, right? Don't you? Somebody reads it other than the person.

[Brian Bishop]

You would think.

[Adam Carolla]

So it seems.

It seems like that. No. Seems like no one is well.

But what's up with my name? My name. If you go to the car that Toyota gave me for doing the Grand Prix a few years ago, it's spelled differently on the same car. You have to find the way it's spelled.

And then they just can't believe it has an A. It has to have an O. So they're gonna head to their back.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's like they're not sure. So we'll spell it both ways. We're guaranteed to be half right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you Google my name and you spell it C O, R, I think it says. Did you mean C A, R? So how isn't. And these are written on the same device. Right? It's a computer. It's bizarre how, again, you never know until they start writing things about you. You'll never know how wildly inaccurate almost everything you read is. They fuck up dates, they'll fuck up stories, they'll fuck up every. When you explain them. Here's how I met Jimmy Kimmel. They'll fuck that up completely. Like, you just don't know it because you're reading shit about what went on in Tripoli or what went on with Donald Trump or whoever you're reading about. So you have no way to know that this is something else. Ah. Adi Murphy. Adie Murphy. Would you like to read him?

Adi Leon Murphy was one of the most famous and decorated American combat soldiers of World War II. He served in the Mediterranean and European theater of operations, where he was presented the Medal of Honor and several other decorations for heroism in combat, including decorations from France and Belgium.

Thanks, Commie. Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, so, because I didn't know him. Next me.

[Adam Carolla]

You know who Taylor Swift is, but you don't know who Adi Murphy.

[Brian Bishop]

She's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. It's a great, great path. We're Going down here. So as you can see, it was a fabulous reference.

[Brian Bishop]

You said Taylor Swift. I knew what you would have meant.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's move on. Let's put a button on this. Ileana Douglas is out there. She needs to be brought in. Mangrate, baby. Father's Day. Oh, man, love me some Father's Day. Mangrate. This is the greatest device ever. 1999. It's the best thing you can add to your grill. It is a brick house of cast iron. Detroit iron, baby. I love the story too. The guy started Mangrate. He just, he's a businessman and he went to a steakhouse that was closing like I was going under. And he took the grill and he put the grill in his backyard and he started using that grill. I started thinking about the cows on different. The beef's not different. It's the grill that does the steakhouse. And then he realized, hey, it's the grill. And then he designed the grill and then he hooked up with a local foundry and he got them. This is a perfect American story. One you should tell dad with a nice glass of Mangria in your hand over the beautiful smell of barbecue coming off the backyard. 1999 Father's Day Special. Mangreat.com Enter the code ACE. Click on the mangreat [e-mail] and just for my listeners, each order comes with the heavy duty grill and brush. And when you pick up this thing, every time we would hand it off to somebody here, they grab the box or the casual and then go, whoa. It is a serious, you will will it to your kids and their kids and the grandkids of their kids. Alright, $19.99 mangrate. And to drop my name, Ace. All right, Iliana Douglas out there. Take a quick break. Bring her in. Next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show. Dateline, Loudon, New Hampshire. A 25 year old woman won free NASCAR tickets for life after she gave birth in the parking lot of the New Hampshire Motor Speedway. Definitely not a Jew. Ileana Douglas. One of my favorites here.

[Ileana Douglas]

Now you're my favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

I love you, baby.

[Ileana Douglas]

I love you too.

[Adam Carolla]

I think, I guess I, I guess I met her in Goodfellas, which is still one of my all time favorite movies. And then saw you again in Cape Fear. That scared me a little bit. And then scared me just watching actually Casino the other day, which is one of those, man, it just gets better with time. Not, I don't think Ilana was in Casino.

[Ileana Douglas]

I helped Cast it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you helped cast it.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. Let's talk about it.

[Ileana Douglas]

I suggested James Woods.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, he's perfect in that movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ileana Douglas]

And Don Rickles suggested Don Rickles and Kevin Pollock.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus.

[Ileana Douglas]

Those are my three.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because were you hanging with Marty at the time?

[Ileana Douglas]

I was. And I was a huge fan of Bob Costas later, the show they used to have. And I watched Don Rickles on it and he was. They just kept the show going. He did five shows in a row, which is unbelievable. And I saw that and I said, you got to get Don Rickles in the movie. And then the James woods thing. I just personally used to utilize Marty to give people him that I loved and I wanted to meet. And I was crazy obsessed with James Woods.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny because when you watch. I mean, James woods is unbelievable in that movie and everyone's unbelievable and it's just. It just. You know, the only problem with that movie is that it came after Goodfellas at some point and it was like living in its own shadow in a weird way. Because when you watch it now, you're like, this is a fucking great film that people should have been over the moon about at the time. But when I was watching it the other night was just on cable the other night. I did take note with Pollock and with Don Rickles where I went. Those are two interesting. Those are stand up comedians. It's a weird place to find stand up comedians. And there's a funny. It was funny because when they got. I was watching a scene where they got the whale. The Japanese whale. Yeah, that's why they call them whales, because they like whaling. That's right. But they got the Japanese whale back to the Tangiers by saying the plane was on the fritz. And it was this great moment where there's getting off the plane and Don Rickles was doing his. I'm so, so, so sorry. And then he gave a. Better down here than up there, huh? That kind of. It was very Don Ricklesy kind of move.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of. Sorry. Comedians in that movie and not necessarily actors. Joe Bob Briggs is really good in a very small.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, it's. Yes. Very good. He had a movie show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ileana Douglas]

On tv. And Marty saw that Melissa Profitt, who played Joe Pesci's wife and her girlfriend. I also suggested her. She was in Goodfellas.

[Adam Carolla]

She. Joe Bob Briggs had that weird kind of campy late night. He was always think of as the kind of the Elvira with balls and a cock.

[Brian Bishop]

That's how he was known in the. Joe Bob says check it out. That was his whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Show these funky drive in movies like Late Night. But a weird guy to have in that movie. But again when, you know, when. When De Niro was saying what are the chances of three slot machines? I don't know, sir.

[Brian Bishop]

Like he was just perfectly in the millions.

[Adam Carolla]

It was fucking perfect. Damn, that's good job.

[Ileana Douglas]

I know. Well, I wish I could have been in the movie, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you should have cast yourself.

[Ileana Douglas]

There was. There's very few women part in his.

[Adam Carolla]

Films and what about his life? Gas, A lot of guys.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, that's no comment. It'll all be in the book.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. You gotta come out with a book. You come out with a book.

[Ileana Douglas]

Well, actually I am currently writing a book.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you.

[Ileana Douglas]

It's called are you making these things up? Which is what once was asked of me by a psychiatrist.

[Adam Carolla]

TV show, by the way, Second Looks on Friday night, 8 o' clock Eastern on TCM. And it shows old movies that deserve a second look. Speaking of Casino and some movies like that, what do you. What, what, what are some of the movies?

[Ileana Douglas]

I mean, so most of the movies. Probably the only one. I'd love to hear some of your choices because we're gonna keep doing it. It's been so much fun. It's been a real success. But probably the only movie you might have even heard of is. Was Steven Spielberg's 1941.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. With Belushi and.

[Ileana Douglas]

Right. Danny Aykroyd. And it's his only comedy. And so there's specific reasons that we decide to make a movie, a Second Look. But it goes all the way from the 30s, 40s. There's an incredible movie called A New Leaf, which is Walter Matthau and Elaine, May 1971.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of good stuff out there that just slides right through everyone's spaghetti calendar. And everyone's too busy. And even, you know, we're all so jaded that when you. Even people you respect when they come go, you need to see this movie with the kids. And then I go home and watch Point break for the 38th time. Well, that could be a cutting on myself.

[Ileana Douglas]

I mean, it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna suggest my movie the Hammer, because people, I get tweeted all the time. It feels good, but it also feels bad. Why is it never on cable?

[Ileana Douglas]

That is a good movie, perfect film. And I have to say with TCM, we picked 25 films, some of which have never even been on television. One actually this Friday, which is called the Arrangement Directed by Ilya Kazan with Kirk Douglas. He's naked in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Ilya. Oh, Kazan. I mean, yeah. Douglas. Right. Gotcha. Gotcha now.

[Ileana Douglas]

And Faye Dunaway.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Ileana Douglas]

And it's about the advertising biz and never been. You know, it's never been on tcm. So they. We've gone to great lengths to get new movies and so on our second run. The Hammer is a perfect film.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Ileana Douglas]

I saw that movie up at Sundance.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it wasn't Sundance. You saw it at Tribeca, Maybe.

[Ileana Douglas]

Really? Maybe. But I did see. I saw it on at a film festival. That's my.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think it must have been Tribeca.

[Brian Bishop]

What's the criteria for choosing movies for second looks?

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Ileana Douglas]

It's usually that. It's that it first. For whatever reason it's a cult classic or just fans love it, you know, or it. It didn't get a good review. We had a movie last week called Ace in the Hole, which was Billy Wilder's only failure. But it's an amazing movie, and people like, you know, Martin Scorsese, Brian De Palma. It's their favorite film. Spike Lee actually wanted to remake the film, met with Billy Wilder. Billy Wilder had no idea who he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I could see that.

[Ileana Douglas]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was there.

[Ileana Douglas]

That was 1951.

[Adam Carolla]

Billy Wilder meeting with the.

[Ileana Douglas]

I think it was in the 80s. That's from the Cameron Crowe book. I do a lot of. I do a lot of research on each film, so. Because we also do this really fun thing where we live. Tweet throughout the film. So it's kind of like watching the film with other film fans.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, as somebody who's a pioneer in the service dog department, how do you feel about all these Johnny come lately, getting on the airplanes and dragging them through the food courts and all the other.

[Ileana Douglas]

It's unbelievable. I was. I was crazy first. I was. Pioneered it.

[Adam Carolla]

You were their title pioneer.

You know what the book is? Tip of the Crazy Spear by Eliana Douglas. You pioneered crazy. You invented crazy.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes. And last time I got in trouble because I was on the JetBlue. They had all heard your podcast. They all said, I heard you, and I suddenly started to start acting crazy now.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But how does it work? Like when you and Belzer pass each other on the Jetway. Is it an elite fraternity, or do you look at each other as posers that are. That are bringing undue attention to this?

[Ileana Douglas]

No, I. I have embraced the crazy. As I said, I thought it was going to be embarrassing, but I like everybody talking to Me in very dulcet tones, as if I'm insane.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I'm saying. I think these guys are going to ruin it for you, because they are. It's going to get out of control. It's sort of like people tweet me all the time, are like, well, if you want to get to the front of the line over Disneyland, you just get the handicapped guy and you pay him, and then he's allowed to bring six family members and blah, blah, blah. So now people are paying handicapped people. But. But this stuff, it stops at a certain point. Like, eventually Disneyland goes, we can't have gimps coming to the front of line with five strangers that are paying them.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't put it like that in the press release.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ileana Douglas]

But I feel so competitive, though. Like, you're not crazy. I'm crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

I was crazy. Yeah. So when people. So now that they're bathrooms at airports for dogs and at some point, and this is just the beginning, people are gonna have to rein it in because here's what's gonna happen. Somebody's gonna get bit on a flight and. Or there's gonna be some sort of emergency evacuation. So it's gonna like, trip over schnauzer and there's gonna be a pile up, and then someone's gonna do. All right, wait a minute, wait a minute. We gotta put an end to this. And then we have to. We want to see that you're, you know, you're gonna need to wear like a Napoleon outfit or something. We to need proof that you're crazy.

[Ileana Douglas]

Well, spend 24 hours with me.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me ask you this.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes, dear, you do.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to be crazy. I had this conversation with Howie Mandel. He was drunk, but I said to him, you know, Howie, you're incredibly functional person.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I want to say the same thing about you. You guys are in great shape. You do great work. You're talented people. Maybe the crazy thing is you imposing crazy on yourself.

[Ileana Douglas]

I think you're right. You know, it's funny. I was doing a panel and there's always, as you know, Q and A's. And then it usually always, always. It's as if it's staged. The very last question, the person's insane, they stand up, they start rambling, and everyone looks around nervously, and then they stamp out or something with their ten shopping bags, right? And I always have that moment, like everyone's awkward and I start laughing. It's like relief. I go, I thought it was crazy, but that's crazy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's crazy.

[Ileana Douglas]

I think that that's actors. Like, I'm neurotic. Yeah, but I think I'm crazy. But then when I see someone who's.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy, you get up, you get dressed, you brush and floss, you apply your makeup, your hair looks fantastic. You go, you audition, you memorize things, you get yourself from the audition, back and forth and all that kind of stuff. Why impose this upon yourself? And then maybe. Is it a crutch? I don't want to dig too deep here, but you know what I'm saying? Like, do you go, don't expect too much of me. I'm crazy. But you're not really that crazy.

[Ileana Douglas]

Well, probably, yeah, probably. I don't honestly think I'm that crazy, but I do think I'm a little neurotic.

[Adam Carolla]

And the dog that you get to travel with.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that called a crazy person's dog? No, I just like it. It's not a crazy person's dog.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes. Chauncey Gardner. He's named after a character in a film.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a phobia dog. Or like, what? What is it?

[Ileana Douglas]

I need the dog to be with me at all times.

[Adam Carolla]

But what if. Yeah, but you don't.

[Ileana Douglas]

You could find, you know, somebody upset me because they said, oh, I saw that movie Liberat, and you were like, liberace. Like, that's how you talk to your dog. Like. And that was disturbing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's disturbing.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't everyone talk to their dog that way?

That's the whole point is. Yeah, no one does a conversational tone.

Like, tell Eliana how you tell Molly it's dinner time.

Din din, din din. I was corrected by my wife because when I was trying to give her feed her at 10am I was like, breakfast, breakfast, breakfast, breakfast. And she's like, she just knows din din. And I'm like, yeah, but it's before noon. And she's like, din din. She understands din din. She doesn't have a full language. Understand? She's not gonna correct you.

[Ileana Douglas]

Well, I once heard that whatever you say to your dog is your inner monologue for yourself. So if I'm talking to my little dog who's a little orphan, I go, you're a little orphan. You're a little. You were in. Nobody wanted you. And then I think, okay, that's my. I must be.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, hey, gorgeous. You go, girl.

Yeah. See, Marty didn't cast you in Casino, so I think you're saner than you feel.

[Ileana Douglas]

Thank You.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel.

[Ileana Douglas]

I feel pretty sane. Yeah, you look pretty sane.

[Adam Carolla]

You look fairly sane, too.

[Ileana Douglas]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're here without your dog, right?

[Ileana Douglas]

I'm here without my dog. Yeah, I'll bring him next time. Please, Chauncey. Yeah, he'll kiss you.

[Adam Carolla]

The last dog we brought in here took a piss on a script that I threw in the car.

[Ileana Douglas]

I don't know if he's a pisser.

[Adam Carolla]

This was a person that was just watching someone's dog. And I'm like, how closely do you need to watch it? You know what I mean? Although I did. I'm the only person I think this has ever happened to where I was dating a chick who had a dog named Sushi, but she called it Tushy. And I was left in charge of this little white, you know, the opposite of me dog.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And actually really want to picture a contrast. I was working as a boxing instructor and I brought Tushi with me to the, to the boxing gym. And it was like, you know, sort of like white collar boxing, teaching lawyers how to box kind of thing. I was in a basement in Pasadena or big, big club, Old Town Pasadena. And tell me, what kind of maniac would do this? I let the dog. The dog. I let the dog kind of run around the gym while I was in the ring, like working with somebody. But I would kind of look over my shoulder, you know, like, there's Sushi over there, running around over there, and there wasn't anyone there. It was in the morning and stuff like that. And at some point, you know, I kind of looked over my shoulder and I didn't really see Tushy around, you know, well, it suits. Tushi had done Sushi went out of the gym, went down the hallway, popped her head. In another business, which was a travel agency, the person who worked at that business called the number that was on Sushi's collar and said, you, dog is missing. I think left a message saying, I found your dog, your dog is missing. And then put the dog back down. And then the dog wandered back down the hall and back into the gym. So now I got this blonde ditz I'm dating who's in love with Tushi. And I'm finished my training, and me and Tushi, we go get in my Zhu Zhu Trooper and we head back for La Crescenta. And I get home and the phone's ringing off the hook, you know, and the phone's on there and it's Beth on the other line, and she's like, where's Sushi? Where's Sushi. And I'm like, it's right here. Don't give me that. Don't give me that. I got a phone call. They left a message. They said, I found your dog. Now, what happened to Sushi? What did you do with Sushi? Where is she now? And I'm like, she's right here. I'm looking at her right now. Don't lie to me. That dog is lost. Now where is it? Admit it to me. Because she thinks it's in the arms of the person, the cult, the fucking.

Maniac that dropped a dime on you. And stupid.

You're insane. Calls in and then lets the dog go. What kind of fucking maniac?

How is that even helpful? Hey, just wanted to let you know you need to start looking for your dog.

I don't know how any of this works. All I know is I have the nutball blonde screaming at me, stop lying and tell me what happened to Sushi. I'm trying to put Sushi on the phone. I'm, like, smacking the phone against the back of her head. Like, bark. Do something. Would you do something? Like, it was the weirdest moment ever. And I'm confused because I'm like, how did. Who. The dog was with me at the gym. Who told you the dog was missing? And then she's screaming youg liar. As she calmed down, she explained that, you know, message from Hoffman Travel was left on her cell phone that blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it was a weird moment that I just don't think happened happens to that many people. And I didn't know what to say other than the dog is sitting right here. All right, shall we do. I'm gonna give Ileana's tweet out. Or if you'd like to, you answer it?

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, please. Iliana Rama is where you go if you want to check out and live.

[Ileana Douglas]

Tweet with us tomorrow night.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. During the movie. All right, should we do a little bit of news? Alison Rama Rosen. How about we'd get to the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Ileana Douglas]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Ileana Douglas]

It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, Where's Tushi? Ah, go to meeting. That's what I needed. Go to meeting. I could have just shown her Sushi. Right. Right there. Go to meeting. Right in there. We'd share the same screen, and when.

[Brian Bishop]

Tushi barked the Little box would light up to show who was barking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, would have been awesome if I had that technology back then. Go to meeting with HD faces. By the way, this is 1993. You would have been burned as a heretic. Burned as a heretic, you understand? I would have pulled my tablet out and done that going to me and they would have burned me right in the middle of Foothill Boulevard. Go to meeting with htp. HD Face is brought to you by Citrix. That's right. You can share the screen and it's got a built in HD video conferencing, so everybody's in the same room. You can launch or join meetings from any computer, smartphone or tablet, even the iPad. That's where they really would have burned me on back then. Start hosting Face to Face online meetings today with GoToMeeting. GoToMeeting free 30 days. Visit GoToMeeting.com click on the Try it free button and use the promo code. Promo code Adam. All right, let's do a little news.

Eva Longoria has followed in the footsteps of your mom, and she has a master's in Chicano studies from csun.

My mom got the master's from CSUN, too. Yeah. She went to Valley College for what seemed like my entire childhood and then most of my adult life, but it was probably only like 14 years. She went to junior college for at least 14 years and then she went to CSUN and she got her Now Chicano studies was her degree. Although my mom looks like Tom Petty's mom. That's her luck.

[Brian Bishop]

Silver lining. You guys must engage in some really deep conversations about your Chicano studies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here's as deep as I go. Fucking Taco Bell canceled the Bell Beefer. Can you believe that shit? Can you talk someone about that's the best thing they had on their menu? Mom, it was ground beef. I was on a. You know, it was like a hamburger. It was like a taco burger. It was really good.

How would I know that?

I'm just saying. I don't know. Could you use whatever language you guys espanol over there? How should I know? Talk to someone about it. Let's get that Bell Beefer back. And while we're at it, but bring up the tostada because I missed that one too. How can you possibly expect me to answer that? My mom didn't want to work, so she's like, if I take one, if I get an engineering degree, I'm going to have to get a gig. If I get a nursing degree, if I get a Degree in some science or something where they actually employ people in. Then I'll have to go to work, but I don't want to go to work. So I'll do Chicano studies. And my mom. My mom's the whitest human being I've ever seen in your life.

[Ileana Douglas]

Really? Where does she live?

[Adam Carolla]

She lives in the house that her mom bought in North Hollywood in 1951. So she's doing great. She's poised to make a move any day now. She's like a. She's like a cobra that's been coiled.

For, like, for like seven years, and.

She'S gonna fucking pounce. She's gonna strike any minute. Any minute.

She's come into her own.

She's really coming. It's really gonna be well.

Eva Longoria began the program while she was working on Desperate Housewives and did the schoolwork on set. And her thesis was titled Success Stems from the Value of Latinas in STEM Careers. And STEM stands for science, Technology, Engineering, and Math.

Let me say this. First off, you studying you, does that seem a little fucking stuck up? Like, you're a Latina chick, so you're going to do the Latina chick. Like, does any of the guys, like, you know, when you see the black chicks or the black dudes are just in full African garb and you just want to go, like. Not supposed to bring this up, but honestly, really, what fucking year is it? It's such a super blowhardy move that society never says anything about because we just go, oh, she's really proud of her heritage or whatever it is. We don't engage, but you're written off immediately as a lunatic. Those people. And I must study my culture. I must do nothing. Every time I hear her speak, it's like, as a Latina, as a woman, I know what it's like to what, sweetie? Marry guys in the NBA? You're here because you're hot now shut up. That's the whole thing. The number one thing. No one ever really works this out. The whole thing about, well, as a woman or as a Latino or as a black woman or as an Asian woman, although they don't complain, it's really about being ugly.

Ugly What?

Ugly or hot? Ugly or hot? That's it. When you're hot, doesn't matter what color you are. When you're fat, it doesn't matter what color you are. You're fucked. That's it. She's good looking. That's why she's where she is.

[Brian Bishop]

The other blowhardy aspect of this is people who are in the very soft social sciences, Chicano studies, lumping themselves in with technology, engineering, and math and other sciences. That is a tenuous connection at best. If you're. Oh, I have a master's in social science, like sociology or anthropology. It's like you're kind of a scientist.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing is, too, is, you know, we always want to know, like, why are there not more Latina women or whatever in this field? And it's like, because there's not. There's not. There's. There's more of this in that field, and there's more of that in that field. I don't. I don't. I don't know why. You know, it'd be like me walking around and wondering why. Like, why are this many. Now I'm trying to think, what's Mark Garagos?

He's defense attorney.

Yeah, but what's his nationality?

Sorry, He's Armenian.

Yeah, Armenian. Okay, Armenian. They're jewelers. They do jewelry. I don't know. They do jewelry. Why I'm knocking off. I want some heavyset women of color doing this. Like, I. That's what they do. That's what they got into. That's what they're like. When you work construction, the guys who do the stonework, the slab work, all the countertops, all the granite and stuff, they're all like Middle Eastern dudes or Israeli dudes.

[Ileana Douglas]

These used to be Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

They used to be. They used to be. And that's the east out here. They're all like, Middle Eastern dudes. That's their business. That's what they do. And the guys who sling the stucco, they're all Hispanic dudes. That's. That's their thing. And there's, like, different groups for different stuff, and that's just kind of how it is. And there's nothing. If you're a Latino guy and you want to get in the stonework thing, you can. There's nobody holding you back. It's just. That's not where you're gravitating. That's not where your roots are. That's not what your whatever is. I'm all for Latina chicks being into science, but we don't need to sort of artificially implant that. My feeling is, like, people want to know what the conspiracy is like, what's up with these Asian men being engineers? Why is it. I don't know. That's what they grabbed. I didn't invent the world. I didn't figure this was all not planned out in some klansman's basement in 1941. It's just how things sort of gravitated, how it works. I don't know. That's how it is. It'd be nice to mix it up, but it doesn't always work that way.

[Brian Bishop]

It was either in Freakonomics or one of those books, the Outliers or something, where they explained that Asian people have a predilection towards math because it's in the way they count. Their way. They're taught to count as young people. Like, it's in their number system, is easier to memorize or something.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. Once you start. Yeah. When you. When you start peeling this onion a little bit, you will get to your reason why there's more Jewish attorneys than there are Hawaiian attorneys.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that was in the book, too. I think it was. Because lawyering back then, in the days of the immigrants in the 1800s, was looked at as a lesser trade, and that's all they could do back then. Right now, it's become one of the more prestigious jobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but the point is, I don't need to round up a bunch of Hawaiians and force them into the courtroom, like, if they're interested. It's a time where it's not like there's a law school and the guy can. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Chemo. Slow down. You're not welcome here. That's the implication. The implication is that we're not letting non Jews lawyer Jews are doing well. So there's not that implication. But in other sciences and other realms, the implication is somebody is pushing them back. I agree. It's good to tell young girls, you can do what you want. It's good to tell young boys, you can do what you. You want, but people kind of do what they do. And it's this way with all fields. I don't know veterinarians. Like, I don't know a lot of black males who are veterinarians. Why? I don't know. But does that mean we need to start pushing black kids into this field? Not if they don't want to do it. Not if they don't want to do it.

They want credit for not making all the pussy joke.

Huh?

You said, why are there so many black men there? You know, black, black, young black men being veterinarians. And I didn't say all the pussy.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, now you want crack?

Well, yeah.

You're getting credit.

Yeah. It's moot now. Okay, so Eva Longoria tweeted, big day today. Three exclamation points. Two's my limit. Very excited to graduate for my master's degree in Chicano studies. You're never too old or too busy to continue your education. I think you are.

Yes, you are. First off, you're. You're always too busy if you're. If you are, in fact, busy. And she made, like, the world's worst movie. I'm glad she has no movie career. She made that movie where she was.

[Brian Bishop]

She was a ghost.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like. It was her feet. She was. Her wedding day. She was crushed by, like, the ice sculpture, and then she hovered over. So one of those things where, like, you're, like, no one in the room raised her hand and went, It's 2005, people. What are we doing here with this fucking premise from the 80s? And so I hope you're sitting down. When her man met a new woman and then would try to become intimate, she would hover over and knock things over on the bed and stuff like that. Over her dead body. 2008.

[Brian Bishop]

At least the title wasn't too on the nose.

[Ileana Douglas]

Now that sounds like a remake of Chances Are Yes. Robert Downey Jr. And Cybill Shepherd.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I'm gonna come up with my list of movies like Sudden Death and things like that, where they came up with the title first.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they came up with Over Her Dead Body first and then went, how do we make a movie? We need to make a movie about.

[Brian Bishop]

This maid of honor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Sorry. Where were we?

The Pope. Pope Francis shocked many people by saying that atheists can be just as good as Catholics if they do good. And then Catholic Online embraced this message and went even further and said that atheists can go to heaven, too.

Wow.

Great news for atheists.

As an atheist, I've always been aware of that. Like, honestly, I've always went, look, I lead a good life. I try to help people out, I pay my taxes, and I, you know, I don't cheat on my wife and I take care of my kids. Not like fucking St. Peter's gonna hold me back. I mean, come on, I got a nice. I got a nice looking resume.

[Ileana Douglas]

Do you think you're gonna go to heaven?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, there is no heaven. But on the off chance that there is a heaven, it's not like the guy who went and killed the showgirl and then found Jesus Christ in the joint is sliding in in front of me, and St. Peter's like, holding his staff and going, hold on, Carolla. No cuts, no butts. Wait a minute.

No coconuts.

No coconuts. Yeah, that was something.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what St. Peter would say.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, he's more of a zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket kind of guy. When you start talking, you know, hey, come on. I was a Catholic big brother for nine years for Jesus Christ. I mean. Sorry. I mean. Here you go.

Zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket.

Right. All right.

We didn't used to say that at one.

[Brian Bishop]

Never heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to go back and use that.

My kids got to zip it and lock it and put it in your pocket all the time. Never heard it. Yeah.

That just means shut up.

I think so. Yeah. There's a whole pantomime thing that goes on. There's the zip it, lock it, and then you put it in your pocket.

[Ileana Douglas]

See, in our day, they just slugged you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just reached around and backhanded you. They just threw a hand.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They literally took a hand and throw it at you.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, yeah. How they did that? They kept one hand on the wheel and we were able to hit you.

[Adam Carolla]

Roberta Messick did that to me and so did Grandpa. Aloha. I was hit in two Volvo wagons. That's why I can never travel in the Volvo wagon again.

[Ileana Douglas]

Volvo.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, two Volvo wagons. I was belted in, ironically, the safest car. And not inside. Outside, it may do fine inside. It's a house of horrors. Yeah. And it was literally like. It was like when they threw that shoe at George Bush. It was like the same thing, but with a hand. It was like this throat. Like, it's like a hand would just go flying back. It was attached to an arm, but not really. It was just kind of like, I'm going to throw my hand at that thing behind me. My favorite part about this shoe part is whenever people go in their culture, throwing a shoe at somebody is an in. And I'll just be like, hold on, let me write that down. So if I'm invited over for dinner, I shouldn't throw a shoe at the woman hosting the dinner? Like, yeah, shoe throwing it. Person on podium. Pretty straight. This is the one thing we do agree on. This builds a bridge from our culture to their culture. A loafer sandal. A sandal bridge has now been built. It's not like in Sweden chucking a shoe at a guy who's talking.

It's rude not to.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, we understand shoes thrown at head of state.

[Adam Carolla]

Bad. Yes, understood insult. Got it.

Going back to the pantomime of the zip it locket thing, did you guys always have a problem with. With the fact that when people are doing the pantomime of keeping a secret where they sew their lips closed and then they swallow the. Oh, no, maybe it's whatever goes before.

The lock it and then they swallow it.

Yes, it's locked.

Yeah, yeah. How can you swallow it? Yeah, no, you gotta keister it or just throw it into a fake ocean.

That's how they should do it.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm the same way with the, you know, like I said, sea and hell. I feel like. Does that put you in hell first or are you going to show up after me? Either way, we're going to hell. It doesn't make sense. Yeah, you can't swallow a key. You just locked it. And then if you have that much flexibility, you can spill my secret.

Yeah, I feel like you're revealing like you're pretending to be tied up and then your hand's coming forward.

Yeah, your key. You should do the key. You should do the key on your thing and then you should get like a key wrist rocket or you know, thing and just fire it into the sun.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, thank God we blew the lid off this story.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Makes sense.

Bothering me for far too long. Study says that talking about oneself too much can lead to depression. But here's my thing.

Your thing. Interesting.

So here's our thing. People who use we are less depressed. They studied depressed people and measured how much they said. Like they. How much they said we versus I, how much they talked about themselves. Is it that depressed people are just pretty self involved?

I think there's a form depression. There is a form of depression that is narcissism. Yes, my mom was depressed, but it was a narcissistic depression where you go, I'm depressed, I need to take care of me. I can't do anything for you because I'm depressed. And so it's sort of a ultimate narcissism. Not a happy. And most narcissistic disorders, you say, oh, you picture the person standing in front of a mirror all day and going, oh, look how handsome or pretty I am. But that's not that. This is a deep narcissism, which is an inability to.

To focus on anything other than the self.

Right. You don't even exist. I'm too.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, they're not aware.

[Adam Carolla]

Caught up in trying to save myself my depressed self and try to make my depressed self feel better. So also I do feel like depressed people, like insecure people try to over talk their stuff a little bit. So like when you take people that brag they're insecure. But you go, oh, is he insecure? He never stops talking about how great. Yes, he's insecure, and he's overcompensating for that insecurity. So maybe there's a part of this that's that. Although do you guys ever go the other way with it and then realize that that's a form of douchebaggery as well? Like, I go, like, well, you know, we do stand up, and we travel around the world. And I'm really. I should be saying I, but I don't feel comfortable with saying I. So I say we. But it's worse that I should say just, I do stand up.

I feel like a douchebag when I say we, because then it sounds like the royal we.

Well, I technically have people who go with me, but I do stand up, but I do the. You know, like, we sell a lot of tickets in Boston, you know, and that kind of stuff. And I'm really saying I sell a lot of tickets in Boston, but I'm not comfortable with me saying I sell a lot of tickets in Seattle. So I say we.

So you sell a lot of tickets in Boston.

[Ileana Douglas]

He's a good man.

[Adam Carolla]

You sell a lot of. Yeah, but that person doesn't.

I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of which, and bringing it back to school days, I always felt uncomfortable speaking for everyone else when the teacher would say something like, is everyone done with their work right now? And, like, were we expected to say, yeah? Like, if I said yes, that means everyone's done with their work. I never liked, is everyone ready for research?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, at a restaurant, when they say, are you guys doing okay or do you need anything else? I always answer. And then I'm like, well, maybe someone else did need something at the table.

And then there's that one where you go, could I get some more Roque for dressing? And you go, what do you mean, could I? Like, that means you go back there and go fetch me some more dressing, bitch. That's what it says. All right.

So, yeah, I'm just wondering, the link they're making, which is talking about yourself leads to depression. Do they not have it backwards?

I think they have it backwards. I don't think you can lead yourself.

But sometimes I do wonder what level of introspection is healthy and what level of it is actually making you more depressed. Because, like, let's say I'm in. I'm in a bad mood thinking about my life or myself or whatever, versus a day where I have. I'm scheduled from morning till night where the day before, I'm thinking tomorrow's gonna suck. But then that day, somehow I actually feel better because I'm just out there doing shit.

Right? Well, it's, you know, when you're busy, I mean, that. That sort of devil makes work for idle hands. It's the idle brain that the devil makes work for. Like, if you're busy, like if you're active, like I always say, no one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear. Because you're so fucking involved in this activity that your mind can't go anywhere for a second. You can't start thinking about your parents and how they never listen to you. You know, you're just looking for a tree at this point. And we do get involved in drugs, in sex, in extreme sports. You know, the people who skydive are looking to think about anything but skydiving for, you know, they go, I will think about nothing. The people that get the tattoos are escaping. They're escaping a mental pain by inflicting, like, a physical pain. So it becomes addictive. Like you. Like, what's all the fucking tattoos? It's like, for the time that that guy's hitting me with that needle, I'm not thinking about my horrible childhood. I'm thinking about this dragon I'm putting on my asshole, my ass cheek, or whatever I'm doing. So there is the. When you're busy, you're just not depressed. It's kind of a. There's a physical version of it that I always used to say, which is, like, when you're poor, you're not allergic to any anything. Like all the guys that I used to work with when I'd go on a lunch run. No one was lactose intolerant, no one was vegan. No one had yeast allergies. Everyone's just like, I'm going to In N Out Burger. I didn't even tell them where I was going. I would just show up with a pile of food and they would happily eat it. This is just nine random dudes. But there was never, ever, here's how I take my burger. Or where are you going? Or let me tell you about my yeast allergy or my whatever. My diet. No. Did not exist. Why? Couldn't afford it.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a luxury. It's a luxury. And depression, in a weird way, is sort of a luxury because when you just have to get up with the sun and that cow is not going to milk itself and you're just going to. You're just going. And by the End of the day, you're so fucking wrung out physically, all you can do is, you know, make vittles for your eight kids and collapse. You just don't have that kind of depression.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You sit around and you watch Jodi Arias all day and you go, fuck my life. Fuck that bitch. I hate myself and I hate her. You see what I'm saying?

[Ileana Douglas]

Only when you're alone in the hotel room late at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ileana Douglas]

It's only when they're not. When you're not sad, I. Yeah, you're depressed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When you're left alone and your brain starts turning on itself.

[Ileana Douglas]

Because then it's always like, you feel like you're at a party and you did all the talking. That's what I. Sometimes I'm like, all I did was talk about myself, and I enjoyed it thoroughly when I was doing it. But then when I'm alone in the hotel room, then I re.

[Adam Carolla]

Examine like, well, but here's the thing.

And then do you feel like, oh, why did I say that? Yes, totally.

[Ileana Douglas]

Totally.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're. You know, sometimes you got to think about it. I mean, let's be fair. You know, you're talking to a guy and he has a business where he does. He does blown insulation and does drop ceilings. Oh, no.

It's a gift we're giving them by.

Talking about, you know.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, they want you to be entertaining.

[Adam Carolla]

But you've done what you've done. Like, you're clearly one of the more interesting people at that party. You've earned that label. I mean, if you've been, you know. Look, Buzz Aldrin loves talking about going to the moon because he's the only one in the room who's been in the moon.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I could go, all right, you did 10 minutes on the moon. Now I'm gonna do 10 minutes on my mobile dog grooming. I have three vans now. I'm hoping to have five before the year's end. But that's not fair. It's not nearly as fucking. Yeah, we spell fleet F, L, E, A, and then we make a. But here's the thing. It's not as interesting as what Buzz did. He flew f 80s through mig alley in Vietnam, you know, Or Korea, actually. It's a Korean vintage plane. He's done a lot of really cool things, so let Buzz talk.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah, I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think Buzz Aldrin's a blowhard?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I've hung out with him.

[Ileana Douglas]

Some people are.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, he is. And he. But he is. And he is.

[Ileana Douglas]

There are some people that. Within the show business community, you see them and everyone looks around the room like, geez, he's here. We're not gonna get a word in edgewise.

[Adam Carolla]

That's me.

[Brian Bishop]

Corolla effect.

[Adam Carolla]

I did the first time I did the Toyota Grand Prix. I did it with Buzz Aldrin, and he couldn't drive where the shit. He crashed every car. And he was horrible. Yeah, because he's only one I know who's traveled. When you go to the moon, you gotta. At a certain point, you get up to like 18,000 miles an hour. But he couldn't go through the streets of Long beach at more than 40 miles an hour without wrapping up one of those scions. So he was a horrible driver. It's funny, but, I mean, I would talk to him, like, I would go like, what's the best war plane ever? And he's like, F80. Nah, that thing was a MiG killer. Just talk to him about it. It was just crazy. This little guy with strong hands who looks in the eye and loves talking about it. And by the way, if you're a reporter or a guy wants to follow him around and tell him he didn't land on the moon, he will take a swing at your ass at a certain point. Remember that guy?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the moon conspiracy guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's the moon conspiracy guys. They follow him around and go, yeah. Do you have any core samples on you? Buzz, I know you're out to dinner, but, you know, I don't. You know, the shadow with the moon was.

If you've been there then, why aren't you there now?

Yeah, but no, they do the thing where it's like the sun was there when they took the picture, but your shadow's on the wrong side. Like, okay, Inspector Detector. But at a certain point, Buzz took a swing at the dude. Like, he had it up to here with this ass wife.

[Ileana Douglas]

I miss that.

[Adam Carolla]

My whole thing is, is do you think our government could pull this off? We can't pull shit. Oh, we could, you know, Benghazi or irs, whatever we're currently. We could bust it for everything. Yeah, we get Whitewater, Whatever the scandal. Monica Lewinsky, like, Watergate, whatever. Whatever the scandal du jour is. We have a fucking. We have hearings about it. Like, big or small or anything in between, personal or. You know, sometimes there's. You know, it's about interns, sometimes it's about embassies, but either way, we don't pull shit off. We get away with stuff for like 10 minutes and then it all comes spilling out. So the moon. I know. Being naive.

No, Adam, I see why you think that. But here's the thing. They plan Benghazi and the IRS so that you'll think they can't pull off the bigger things like the moon, land and 9 11.

[Ileana Douglas]

One of the movies we did was called above and beyond, which was about the guy, Colonel Tibbets, who dropped the first atom bomb. And the part of the story, which was unbelievable, which could never happen now, was how only four people knew about this mission. Yeah, he couldn't tell his wife or his family or anybody. Told them four hours into the flight, he told them carrying the atom bomb. But that could never happen now.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. People be tweeting pictures of the atom bomb, taking selfies. Hey, there's fat boy and little. Let's say fat man. A little boy. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

The news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it Cons.

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yeah. Hulu, baby. Who knew? I knew. Hulu. Hulu Plus. You gotta get yourself some Hulu Plus. It gives you total control of thousands of shows. What about Power Play? That's thousands of shows. Wherever you want, whenever you want. Favorite current shows like Parks and Rec and Community and Modern Family, Jimmy Kimmel Live and all that good stuff. And then you got your classic stuff. So it's just thousands to choose from. Use Hula plus and you can use it to your connected TV set, game consoles, Blu Ray players, Roku Boom Roku Apple tv. Watch from your smartphone or your tablet. Again, imagine this, 1994 in La Crescentas. 1994. I'd be burned as a heretic.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God. You whip out your Roku and your fucking smartphone, I'll forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

Burn, burn. Right at the Trader Joe's at the top of their foothill. Burned at the stake. $7.99 a month. $7.99 a month. But my listeners get a special extended free trial. So go to huluplus.com adam or click the hulu plus [e-mail] all right, me and Dr. Drew, our little reunion tour, available on iTunes. Three cities, just $4.99. Check that out. And Ileana does Douglas. Let's not forget about her second looks on Friday nights at 8:00 clock on TCM.

[Ileana Douglas]

And also Marin. I'm competing with myself, Marin, on IFC.

[Tracy Morgan]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're gonna.

[Ileana Douglas]

You're doing a. I'm playing myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see. I see. So until Next time, Sam Crawford, Douglas, Allison Rosen and Bald Brian saying Mahalo. Breck Direct breakfast Breakfast.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that does it for this weekend's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments.

[Adam Carolla]

Until then, mahalo. And get it on sa.