Jake Steinfeld + Chuck Zito (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Jake Steinfeld + Chuck Zito (March 29, 2026)
Episode Summary & Highlights

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Main Theme / Episode Overview

This episode of Carolla Classics features two standout segments from earlier episodes: a lively interview with fitness entrepreneur Jake Steinfeld (“Body by Jake”) and an engaging sit-down with actor, stuntman, and former Hells Angel Chuck Zito. The show delivers Adam’s signature blend of rants, comedic observations, and candid celebrity conversations, with fellow regulars Allison Rosen, Bald Brian (Brian Bishop), and Dave Dameshek adding to the banter. Themes in this “classic” episode include modern travel woes, the evolution of American entitlement, the pitfalls of airline food (“goat cheese on pizza?”), locker-room style storytelling, and in-depth looks at the fascinating histories and personal journeys of the guests.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Adam’s Airline Rants: Travel, Food, and Entitlement

• Airline Food Grievances
  Adam launches into a signature rant about in-flight meal options, especially United’s decision to serve goat cheese pizza and cold beef salad:

  • "Nobody wants goat cheese on their fucking pizza. United Airlines, you fucking retards. Jesus goddamn Christ." (09:44)
  • Adam, Dave, and Allison riff on the absurdity of “California cuisine” at 35,000 feet, questioning why classic pizza toppings are replaced by outlier options.

• Entitlement and First-Class Perks
  Carolla details his frustration with coach passengers using first-class bathrooms, lamenting the erosion of travel etiquette:

  • "There is an entitlement issue that’s going on in this country that shows itself in ways you guys don’t think amount to a hill of beans." (27:40)
  • He compares it to access in luxury boxes at sporting events and mourns declining standards post-9/11.

• Movie & Plane Anecdotes
  Adam recounts a humorous clash with a fellow passenger who poked him for stretching during “The Lucky One”, leading to riffs about boldness versus politeness:

  • “I want to create a super narcissist ultimate entitled baby!” (22:54)

2. Jake Steinfeld: Perseverance, Fitness, and Showbiz

• From Stuttering Kid to “Body by Jake”
  Jake shares his deeply personal journey: overcoming a stutter and weight issues to become a fitness icon.
  • “Not only did the weights build my body, but it built my confidence.” (46:26)
• Hollywood Tales & The Village People Story
  Jake tells the hilarious story of being recruited to be “the Macho Man” on stage with the Village People, only to realize, mid-show, that the audience was entirely male:
  • “[...] they’re all guys. And there’s my mom and my dad and my little baby sister looking at me like this.” (56:07)
• Major League Lacrosse
  Adam expresses surprise that Jake founded the league, leading to discussion of lacrosse’s origins and growth.
  • “It actually is America’s oldest game.” – Jake (44:27)
• Personal Training for the Stars
  Jake reminisces about training Harrison Ford, Spielberg, and Bette Midler—emphasizing that “they ain't no different than you or me. The only difference is they had a dream and never took no for an answer.” (58:47)

3. Chuck Zito: Life in the Fast Lane

• Hell’s Angels History & Exit Chuck explains how he joined and left the infamous motorcycle club, providing factual background:
  • “It started in San Bernardino, March 17, 1948. Then the second charter started in San Francisco in 1954…” (143:47)
• Bodyguarding Celebrities
  Zito recounts protecting stars like Liza Minnelli, Mickey Rourke, Stallone, and Charlie Sheen—often hired to keep them “in line.”
  • “They hired me to get them in line…Your health means more to me than the paycheck you’re paying me.” (154:48)
• Notable Encounters
  Dramatic recount of recovering a stolen Hell’s Angels jacket and dealing with dangerous situations using martial arts skills.
  • “...I wrapped his leather jacket around my arm and I just came...I hit him with a crescent kick that took the knife out of his hand and proceeded to pummel him.” (140:12)

4. Comedy, Pop Culture, and Social Commentary

• Masculinity & Friendship in Celebrity Circles
  Adam and Jake discuss the “testosterone thing” among actors and their attraction to real tough guys.
  • “It borders on homoerotic…every comedian who is funny secretly wants to be a rock star…and all the tough-guy actors want to hang out with real tough guys.” (147:59)
• “Creep of the Week” & Product Grievances
  Dave and Adam lampoon the marketing of conditioner, mocking the “man’s” ploys to push unnecessary products.
  • “Conditioner: Does anyone need conditioner? Does conditioner actually have any value?” – Adam (127:18)
• Unfiltered Talk on Social Niches & Lifestyle Choices
  The crew debates the downside of “pothead” and “surfer” lifestyles, noting their tendency to dominate identity at the cost of ambition.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Adam on Airline Food:
  “Just make a good pizza...Nobody wants goat cheese on their fucking pizza.” – Adam Carolla (09:44)
• Jake on Grit and Fitness:
  “Not only did the weights build my body, but it built my confidence.” – Jake Steinfeld (46:26)
• On First-Class Entitlement:
  “There is an entitlement issue going on...It is what we’ve become.” – Adam Carolla (27:40)
• Jake’s Village People Show:
  “They're all guys. And there’s my mom and my dad and my little baby sister looking at me.” – Jake Steinfeld (56:07)
• Chuck Zito on Real-Life Violence:
  “I hit him with a crescent kick that took the knife out of his hand and proceeded to pummel him.” – Chuck Zito (140:12)
• On Boldness in Public:
  “I want to create a super narcissist ultimate entitled baby!” – Adam Carolla (22:54)
• On Celebrity Bodyguarding:
  “They hired me to get them in line. Your health means more to me than the paycheck you’re paying me.” – Chuck Zito (154:48)

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Segment Timestamps Guide

• Airline Rant & Goat Cheese Pizza: 03:56 – 12:27
• Movie/Cabin Etiquette Anecdote: 17:24 – 24:35
• Entitlement in Travel (Bathrooms): 27:28 – 33:27
• Jake Steinfeld Interview - Background, Village People: 40:37 – 57:59
• Training Celebrities, Life Lessons: 58:02 – 61:26
• Chuck Zito Interview - Beginnings, Hells Angels: 137:41 – 147:59
• Bodyguarding Stories & Hollywood: 147:59 – 154:48

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Additional Highlights

• Running Gags:

  • The phrase “dumpadilly” for bathroom disasters, still used by show regulars.
  • Recurring jabs at airline announcements, pizza snobbery, and “conditioning” products.

• Memorable News Bits:

  • Allison delivers zingers on Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong:
    “Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. Michael Jackson has sex with children.” (70:54)

• Sponsor Reads with Personality:
  Adam and Jake Steinfeld humorously compare and critique ad reads, with Jake jokingly offering to improve Adam’s delivery. (62:41, 63:54)

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Tone & Style

The episode is vintage Carolla: irreverent, fast-paced, and unwilling to shy away from “politically incorrect” territory. The crew’s camaraderie, quick-witted riffs, and comfort with the guests create an atmosphere as suitable for insightful memoir as for barroom confession. Jake Steinfeld’s motivational energy and Chuck Zito’s authenticity as a real-life tough guy both shine, while Adam’s grievances and cultural observations fuel the show’s comedic backbone.

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For listeners new and old, this episode is a quintessential mix of sharp social commentary, inspiring life stories, and comedy—forged in classic Carolla style.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Day or night, VRBoCare is here 24,

[Bald Brian]

7 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready

[Allison Rosen]

whenever you reach out.

[Bald Brian]

From the moment you book to the moment you head home. We're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla show. If you'd like to hear any of these full episodes commercial free, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack. There you can find the full archives of the Ad Free Adam Carolla Show. The Ad Free Archives is the Adam and Dr. Drew show as well as the podcast Beat it out. That's adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcurla.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up first we have Adam Carollo show 898, Jake Steinfeld, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop 2012. Yes. The body by Jake Guy. Yes, Hailee Steinfeld's uncle.

[Bald Brian]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Bald Brian]

Good day, Baldbrine. Everyone wants that as a ringtone now. All right, just did a bunch of traveling, got back from Tampa and thank you, Tamponians and just tampons. Oh, it's just tampons. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if you shortened it, if they got mad like San Fran, you know what I mean? So just tampons. Thank you, tampons. Also, Orlando, thank you guys for coming out. And me and Dennis Prager had ourselves a wonderful couple evenings out there. And that'll be up for sale in a couple days. We'll edit it down and clean it up for you. So lots of travel stories.

[Dave Damashek]

First off, you're taking all of Prager's racial epithets.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we got to pull out a lot of n words, start falling, focused on Asians mainly this time zippers and snipes and things like that. So we'll pull all that, we'll clean that out, you know, the stems and the seeds and we'll give you the bud. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get the shake out of it and we'll give you the bud.

[Dave Damashek]

That's the way Preger would have wanted it.

[Bald Brian]

Mm. Yeah. Good guy. And really, the only guy I know talks more than I. Yeah, I'm still

[Allison Rosen]

blown away by that.

[Bald Brian]

I said on stage in Tampa, I said, this is why. You understand, like, because he does what I do. He starts telling a story, and then he interrupts his own story with. And then he has a stove filled with his own stories that are boiling over, and he's, like, back burnering them and turning the flames up on them.

[Dave Damashek]

Hotel omelette chef.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you become a traffic cop for his stories. Because he's like, don't forget that one. Now, hold on. Bring me back to that one in a second. But let me tell you this one first. And then he'll say, now, what was that story I was interrupting myself with so I can interrupt you? And I said, out at the Strauss Center, I said, this is why I don't like the mixed wedding when they have the Jew and the Catholic getting married. Because the fucking Catholic shit, that stuff's over in four minutes. And everyone's just at the buffet or at the bar. The Jew, oh, the rabbi, 25 minutes. And that's the under. They're windy. People that love telling stories, and that's

[Dave Damashek]

when they don't know the groom and bride, like, if they know him.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, they're so. First time I laid eyes on little Natalie, when she came to the synagogue, I said, oh, fuck. Fuck that. Yeah. And by the way, if you are getting married, go ahead. But you don't do both. You pick one. You do Christmas in Hanukkah on your own fucking time. But now you're wasting my valuable drinking time. And it's hot. I'm sitting on one of those white, weird folding chairs. And one leg, which are.

[Allison Rosen]

They're never comfortable.

[Bald Brian]

No, because there's always one leg that's sinking into the grass. And you're like, is one half of my ass heavier than the other? What, I gotta move this wallet to the crack of my ass because it's throwing my balance off? All right, So I got that. Now, first things first, we're traveling. And be prepared for me to sound like a douche. But. I tempted Allison with the person. Alison and I always talk about this person that we would love to be. The person that says, excuse you. Like, when I was leaving lax, I was going through security, and I took a bin and I put it on the thing. And then I started to reach down to take my shoes off and my belt. And the guy in front of me was told, sir, you gotta take shoes off. And he just went, oh, okay. And he just started Throwing his shit into the magic bin that was behind him.

[Allison Rosen]

The magic. The world is there to put bins out for him.

[Bald Brian]

The magic empty bin. And I understood, I didn't take it personally. He looked around, he looked behind him. There was a bin there. I don't know why he didn't do the math of I probably set that there. But he just thought, well, this is bintastic. And he just started filling it up. Yes. So then on the flight over, the lunch choice came around and there was, boy, this is good. There was the cold beef salad. And I don't know if you guys are like me, but never interested in the cold beef salad. I mean, it's lettuce, it's beef, it's all that kind of stuff. Cold beef, I'm not a fan of because it sort of congeals. Like, the thing I like about beef is the fatty, flavory, marbly. When it's cold, the fat, Fat, it's just there to clog your arteries. You don't get that yummy like when you're eating a piece of prime. Yeah, like prime rib. The fat is delicious when it's hot and it's got the au jus sauce or whatever dumped over the. But when it's cold, it's just kind of congealed and the fat doesn't taste any different. So they got the cold beef salad.

[Dave Damashek]

What's your take on roast beef sandwiches?

[Bald Brian]

I like a roast beef sandwich, but I wouldn't if it was.

[Dave Damashek]

Everyone's dying to know.

[Bald Brian]

If it was cold, I wouldn't like it.

[Allison Rosen]

The man likes his beef hot.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, cold, like from the refrigerator. I would take it room temperature and I would take it like. I would take it like the dip the best is like the French dip style with daggy or whatever where it's like warm or whatever, but cold. It goes flat. It's a texture, but it loses its flavor. So I got the cold beef salad. So I'm like, alright, what's next? Pizza. I'm listening. With goat cheese. And I just thought, what the show picture of that, Mike. I had to take a picture of it. There it is, there it is. I said to the stewardess, I need a flight attendant, I need a picture of this fucking menu. I need to take a picture of the menu so I can see this goat cheese. And she's like, yeah, we don't have a menu. We memorized it too. And that's it. Saving weight, saving fuel. I don't know. I said, I must. I insist on taking a picture of this fucking pizza with the goat cheese. And here's all I'm saying. Has anyone ever gone to New York and said, I want to go get a slice, and then walked in and said, where's the goat cheese? Has anyone, like, growing up, did your dad have a favorite place on the corner that he would take you to? And he loved the goat cheese, and

[Allison Rosen]

they're like, just like mom used to make.

[Bald Brian]

Here's the thing. Yes, I don't mind if goat cheese is an option. It needs to be well off the top 10. It could not bump mushroom or olive or pepperoni or anything else. It could not bump anything that anyone wants on their pizza. And then if you have an escaped mental patient lunatic who's had his fucking taste buds taken out the fucking soldering iron, then he or she may order the goat cheese number 28 or 29 on your pizza somewhere between like cilantro and water crescent or something. But this is the only pizza that's offered. This is the only one. The one that smells of goat.

[Dave Damashek]

See, I like goat cheese. But this goes back to the thing where it's like, our pizza has. It's like no pizza has traditionally these things. You want to offer ones in addition to that, by all means.

[Bald Brian]

Right, so how many people do you entice as opposed to potentially alienate at 35,000ft in the air? Nobody wants fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't think anyone would select that.

[Bald Brian]

Nobody wants it.

[Allison Rosen]

What's on top of it? Cherries?

[Bald Brian]

It's like, I don't know, some sun dried tomatoes. It's like, stop fucking with things. I just had this on Air Canada. They're going after, listen, I'm a paisan, God damn it. I rarely talk about my ethnicity, but now I'm gonna take a stand. I fucking. I should really. I should go get like the Italian American Federation of Whatever on these.

[Dave Damashek]

Some consulate or something. Somewhere.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, somebod. Because I. When I flew Air Canada and I got the chicken parmesan that had the white sauce and no red sauce on it. That was a fucking disaster. That was three weeks ago. And then this time I was gonna get the pizza because I don't want cold beef salad. Cold beef salad sounds like a fucking horrible thing that happens to you in prison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it does.

[Bald Brian]

He got the cold beef salad. Now you're gonna get in line with the fucking Aryan Brotherhood or we're gonna give you another fucking cold beef salad tossing. Nope, goat cheese. Go. It's really. It's like I'm walking around and people are 10 steps ahead of me going, how can we piss him off? Are you guys trying to get me to kill myself? F. Just.

[Dave Damashek]

There's such easier ways.

[Bald Brian]

Just make. Fucking make a good pizza. Nobody wants goat cheese on their fucking pizza. United Airlines, you fucking retards. Jesus goddamn Christ.

[Dave Damashek]

Is mozzarella that hard to come by? Like, is there a surplus of goat cheese you don't know about?

[Bald Brian]

I've said it once. I've said it a thousand times. First off, you can blame all the homos in the Bay area. They've screwed up the food. They've taken. And I've talked to chefs about this. They've taken their highfalutin chef, their shepherdy, and they fucking said, oh, this is California cuisine. Oh, this is. And they fucked up salads and they fucked up pizza, and they fucked up everything. And my God, if you sold goat cheese 10 years ago, you must have moved like a wheel and a half a year. Now, I swear, there's some conspiracy like, who sits around and laughs harder? The guys who move the goat cheese or the guys who move passion fruit? Because they must all just be sitting around going, 10 years ago, zero market for either one of our products. Yeah, we use passion fruit is feed for your goats. That was about it. And goat cheese weed. There's a handful of, like, fat Israeli women who would eat it other than that. Now it's on every pizza and on every salad and passion fruit is the iced tea that's being served up and not even being classified are called iced tea or passion fruit iced tea anymore. It's just iced tea. They must just sit around.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a cancer fruit. Cancer.

[Bald Brian]

Lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills, just laughing. No, that's Brian laughing and then going, you know the beauty of this whole thing? Nobody likes goat cheese on their pizza, and nobody wants passion fruit iced tea instead of regular iced tea. Yet it's ubiquitous. Now, I want these two working for me.

[Dave Damashek]

I hope they do the thing where they say that and they pause and look at each other and do the white guy laugh. They go, no one wants goat cheese.

[Bald Brian]

I really want these guys fucking working for me because nobody want. Nobody wants their fucking product. Yet it is everywhere. Is it cheaper to manufacture a goat cheese pizza than just a fucking pizza with mozzarella on it? I don't feel like it is. And is there a place that you know the pizza joint that you enjoy where you've ever gone in and enjoyed a slice of goat cheese pizza? Is there a human being in first class that's ever had goat cheese on their pizza. And who is that fucking individual so I can shove their ass out of the fucking airplane while we're out of here.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not a flavor that blends well with anything else because it's so sharp.

[Dave Damashek]

I will disagree with that. Instead of problem mozza and pizza or. Bianca, I think.

[Bald Brian]

No, you could. Yeah, you could. You could. You could dig deep and go get

[Dave Damashek]

some average, ordinary pizza.

[Bald Brian]

Nobody wants it. Nobody wants it and nobody. All right. Thank you. Thank you. United. Nice. Nice work. Fantastic.

[Allison Rosen]

What did you end up getting?

[Bald Brian]

I got the beef salad. I couldn't eat the goat cheese pizza. And then I got drunk is what I ended up getting. The next thing I saw. I saw a movie. The chosen one. Mm.

[Dave Damashek]

What the hell is that?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, man, Come on. Don't. Don't pretend you don't know who Zac Efron is.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, the chosen one.

[Bald Brian]

The chosen one, that's right. He's, you know, he's a marine.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, that's earlier this year.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. It's not that. Not that old. Not that old a movie. Couple things. So was watching that movie and you know, I always talk to you guys about the bullshit part about all those romantic movies where at some point the lucky one. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry. Chosen one's different.

[Dave Damashek]

How could you possibly confuse.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, completely different. The lucky one. Sorry, I was drunk on a road attempt point. Is it the lucky one? All right. You know, I always tell you that super fake part of all these movies were somewhere toward the beginning of Act 3. There has to be. Something has to happen. It's like first they meet, then now they fall in love and it's going great. And then what happens? She finds out that he came over and talked to her at the end of the bar on a bet.

[Allison Rosen]

And now. And all bets are off.

[Bald Brian]

Now forget it. He's the most wonderful man on the planet and has taken her. You know, she's a single mom and

[Allison Rosen]

him, they're madly in love and perfect for each other, but he lied. How can she ever trust him again?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, right.

[Dave Damashek]

Your friends put you up to this, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Even though, just like all the rest,

[Bald Brian]

he's playing the peace, playing chopsticks on the pianos with the little toe headed blonde six year old. Yeah, everything's great. But you know, who put you up to this? And they. They have to. And they just do that thing. And they did it in this movie too, where they just go, I think you should go now. And then the guy goes, I've never

[Allison Rosen]

ever said that to anyone in real Life.

[Bald Brian]

And then the guy. And the guy never, ever goes, what? What's the big deal? I was at the bar. You're single, I'm single. The guy asked. I wanted to talk to you.

[Dave Damashek]

You were at a bar after all, right? You were at a bar.

[Bald Brian]

They just go, okay. And they just want, you know, they leave. Well, this movie, I kept thinking, okay, when is this? So here's the movie, spoiler alert. But it's six months old. Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Fast forward if you want.

[Bald Brian]

He's. He's. He's fighting in Iraq or wherever he is, and he's a Marine, and some marine dies. And he finds this picture of this beautiful woman, beautiful blonde, standing in front of a lighthouse. And it says, like, good luck or something. And somehow I couldn't watch the first five minutes of the film. So somehow he somehow finding this picture, saves his life, you know? And he looks at it and he starts obsessing on it, staring at the picture and says, good luck charm and so on and so forth. And then he comes back to the States and he has nothing to do and nowhere to go. And he starts obsessing on this picture and he decides he's gonna go find this woman. So he goes to find her. And of course, she lives in a little town and she's a hot blonde, but she runs a dog kennel, and she takes care of all the animals, all the different animals. And he goes up to her and he does this thing where he's like, listen, I came here for a reason, and this is why. And she goes, I know you're applying for the job. Now fill this out. And then he's like, but what? Huh? And the next thing you know, he's working there.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course he has to.

[Bald Brian]

He has to, because you can't.

[Allison Rosen]

He can't finish the sentence.

[Dave Damashek]

But he jumps right into it, Hits the ground with a. Speed, running, right? I mean, he knows everything about dogs,

[Bald Brian]

mending fences and walking dogs, and he's doing everything. And of course, he couldn't say anything then. And then later on, he tries to bring it up again. Listen, I'm here to see you because I found your picture on the. The picture. Her brother, by the way, who died in the war, was carrying the picture

[Allison Rosen]

because they were fucking.

[Bald Brian]

I don't think they wanted to muddy it up with, you know, the. The boy. So it was her brother. Anyway, at some point, beginning Act 3, mid Act 3, she finds the picture. What is this? Just leave. Just go. And it's like, so what? This is a good story. This is A great story.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, bro.

[Bald Brian]

What does it even mean? Yeah, I know. Like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be telling your kids one day, how'd you two meet? How'd mommy and Dad j. Date? Oh, okay. Could you pass the goat cheese? I mean, that doesn't sound fun, but I was on a battlefield and I found the picture and it got me through. And then I went and found your mother who worked at the thing because I recognized the lighthouse in the background. That's a fun. Why is she pissed off? She's not pissed off, but she has to be pissed off because they need that. See, they need this thing. I say, in all movies, he's the hero, so he can't do anything that's really wrong that would get her seriously pissed off. Because if it was like, well, I was fucking some whore when I was on leave and this fell out of her purse, then that's an issue. But they can't. They can never do that. So he has to not have a real reason, and then she has to have an unreasonable reaction to his not

[Allison Rosen]

real reason because she's feisty and fiery, right?

[Bald Brian]

So there was that. Now, the thing you're saying the Lucky

[Dave Damashek]

One wasn't a great movie.

[Bald Brian]

I will not hear this.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even think he's saying that.

[Bald Brian]

It was watchable.

[Dave Damashek]

Thank God, because I wasn't hearing that.

[Bald Brian]

Two double bloody Marys. It was.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't want to hear that.

[Bald Brian]

Completely watchable. Now, Alison, the part. You may want to put down a towelette, not a moistened towelette, because you are going to moisten a towelette.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always ready.

[Bald Brian]

When I tell you about the gal who is sitting behind me, What? She was 50 something. And we were in first class, seat reclined and she had her seat reclined and I was sitting second row back and we were watching the 17 inch plasma monitor with the lucky one there. And we talk about this chutzpah that we simultaneously hate it and love it. There's a part of us, you know, where you go, man, I wish I was that person. Like, I'd hate to have that person as my roommate, but I wish I could be more assertive and I wish I could be more like that, you know? And, you know, once in a while. Bryan was the leader in the clubhouse for a while with putting my pillow off the sofa down on the floor for his dog.

[Dave Damashek]

I apologize for that several times.

[Bald Brian]

I know. And then he lost his status eye. The tiger, he lost it.

[Allison Rosen]

Who has it now?

[Bald Brian]

Well, my architect Buddy came to my garage.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you consort with architects.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry, took my. Maybe we'll call him an engineer just so we don't. Because I don't want this to go stray. Took my cup which sits on top of my sparklets water dispenser. Capsized by the way, so it doesn't get dusty. And as written upside down in a magic marker, do not touch half full. Put on the ground so his dog could drink water which blew Brian just out of the water.

[Dave Damashek]

I think I was a hero in my community.

[Bald Brian]

No, I've seen the poster up in your bathroom.

[Allison Rosen]

Whereas I we were talking about this before. Have literally let someone be stepping on me and I don't say I don't move to try to get out from under their foot because I'm afraid I'll make them uncomfortable.

[Bald Brian]

Well this woman. I don't know that it's better than the dog, but it is in the sense that you know Brian I know well this guy John I know well this is a total stranger. And we're only an hour and 40 minutes into this flight. I'm flying in from Orlando. We got another three hours on on this tin can together. And I'm sitting in front of you. I was. It's kind of thing where they show, you know when they put the movie on, especially the lucky one, you half the people are just staring at their tablets with their headphones on or you can tell they're musing around with their laptops or they're falling asleep. I don't even know who's watching the movie. It's way less than feels like less than 20% of the people in that cabin are watching the movie. I did this move because I don't want to get the thrombosis. You know, I leaned back and I did one of these moves where I put my hand over my elbow over my head and I did that kind of pull stretch thing where I was kind of trying to stretch out my back a little and stretch the other side. I had my hand up for a 2 Mississippi, felt a sharp poke. Sharp poke contact. Not an excuse you a poke.

[Allison Rosen]

That is very bold and I ill advised.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah I didn't have, you know, I didn't start put like a Mitt Romney poster up or anything. I literally was doing a stretch move and got a poke.

[Allison Rosen]

You weren't wearing a giant lady's hat.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I didn't like tilt my sombrero back or something. I got a poke.

[Dave Damashek]

Fucking brazen.

[Bald Brian]

I was in love with this woman.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you turn around to find out what the hell was going on.

[Bald Brian]

I did. I turned around look, and she just gave me, you know, you're blocking my. You're blocking my view. And it's like. But you think to yourself, how long could this activity go on? And by the way, they weren't. There was. There's no chase scene through the streets of China or anything. It's just. He's standing by a barn. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you can't even see that.

[Bald Brian]

Well, anyway, you're looking just a small screen, and he's fucking standing by a barn. Like, talking to his German shepherd scene. Like, there's nothing going on. A little bit later, kid falls in a river. All right, I'm just. We're just halfway into the movie. I go with the stretch. He goes with a poke.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

And I really didn't have my hands up more than two and a half seconds. Like, I. Because I know. Because I don't stretch for prolonged periods. Like, you see that guy yawn for 45 minutes? Like, no, it doesn't happen that way. It's like, it did it like a hip hip. And I got to poke.

[Dave Damashek]

You weren't doing the airplane yoga moves found on page 42 in Flight magazine.

[Bald Brian]

No. Now I got.

[Allison Rosen]

He would have gotten more than a poke if he had. Wow. See, if I were sitting behind someone who decided to put their arms up for the entire flight or do anything with luggage or anything where my view was obscured, I'd be like, I'll just watch it some other time.

[Bald Brian]

I would just reposition myself.

[Allison Rosen]

I would just give up.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Or give up. But I got the poke. I got the poke again. You know, I wasn't anticipating it, so I didn't put a timer on myself, but I was just stretching. I was doing that move where you put your elbow over your head and you kind of pull on it with your other hand to try to stretch out your lad a little bit when sitting in the seat for two hours and about a second and a half, maybe two seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

So then, were you afraid to stretch

[Bald Brian]

for the rest of the flight or tempted? I asked her when the movie was over if it was all right if I stretched at this point.

[Allison Rosen]

What'd she say?

[Bald Brian]

That was fine.

[Allison Rosen]

See, that's nice.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. I want to take her. I want to get an egg from her. And I'm gonna get some sperm for my buddy. Put the cup down. First dog to drink out of. And I want to create a super narcissist ultimate entitled baby super narcissist entitled

[Dave Damashek]

Baby, you take the pacifier. Hey, excuse me.

[Bald Brian]

Excuse you.

[Dave Damashek]

Excuse you.

[Bald Brian]

Excuse you. Excuse you, Excuse you. And yeah. Entitled Baby.

[Allison Rosen]

You think we'll be born with a reality show?

[Bald Brian]

Just the fucking ultimate baby Poked me.

[Dave Damashek]

The born Narcissism.

[Adam Carolla]

New movie. That's crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

You think it would be an. Excuse me. You think words would come first?

[Bald Brian]

Well, to be fair to her, we both had air. We both were wearing. We were watching the movie. Although she couldn't tell. She probably couldn't tell from that, you know, I mean, you can hear things when you have. I had headphones on. I was watching the movie, so she had headphones. Maybe she thought I wouldn't hear her if she'd said something. Although you can hear pretty well. But yeah, I got a nice poke. That was nice.

[Dave Damashek]

How old do you think this woman was? Ballpark.

[Bald Brian]

She was, she was 51 to 55. And I was, I wanted to conduct a full blown interview with her.

[Dave Damashek]

Like, oh, sorry, go ahead.

[Bald Brian]

No, I later on just sobered up a little bit, went, oh, fuck it. But I really wanted to, like, I really wanted to go. Listen, I'm not offended. I'm really not. I just really fast. I want to, you know, I want to study you like, you know, like psychologists study abnormal psychology. You know, this is. I want to study you. I want to write a book about you. Yes.

[Dave Damashek]

There's got to be something about the age range for women who. Of that age, who. I was in a movie the other day and I was watching a really good documentary called Searching for Sugar man. And there were a lot of musical interludes, like full on songs. And the songs were really interesting. And the point is no one had heard the songs in many, many, many years. And so I'm like, I want to hear these songs. Never heard them before. Song time became talk time for the two ladies sitting next to me.

[Bald Brian]

It was time for them to talk

[Dave Damashek]

very loudly about what was going on in the film. It's like the song isn't. Isn't talking time for you? It's time for soloists.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not intermission.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, they're like bow down type songs. We have to listen to the lyrics.

[Bald Brian]

No time is talking time during movie,

[Dave Damashek]

but especially during songs by the singer songwriter who the movie is about.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

Like that's especially not talking time. This is musical montage time.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

I think they were about the same time wondering, I didn't have the chutzpah to poke.

[Bald Brian]

I wanted to say, I wanted this,

[Dave Damashek]

this is where I fall short.

[Bald Brian]

That's why I don't need any of your seed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Now, all right. And last but not least, I was flying in and I had a first class ticket. And the curtain, as I said, between the coach and the first class, it's wide open. And it's not a curtain, it's a mosquito net. Now, It's. You can see through it. And then everyone just lines up to use the head in the front. And it's never enforced. And everyone gives me shit because they're like, you know, oh, hey, man, but listen, the ticket is four times as much. And three times I started to get up to use the bathroom and somebody from coach just walked in and went and used the bathroom. Now, part of what you pay for is in coach, there's 150 people in two bathrooms or one bathroom. And in first class, there's 20 people in one bathroom. And that's part of. It's all getting paid. You're paying for. You get one stewardess for every seven of you instead of every 71 of you. It's that. That's what you're paying for. But everyone's like, well, well, what's the big deal? I said, listen, you don't want to

[Allison Rosen]

be surrounded by the urine of the great unwashed.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. I said to saying this to Prager, I said, I don't think this went on 10 years ago. I don't think. And the thing that's interesting is there was much less of this pre 911 when I flew back in the day. If I flew coach, you're in coach. And if you want to go to try to get into the first class, it'd be off the plane. What do you, what do you need up here? What are you doing up here? Because I can remember, like, every once in a while, be like, Dr. Drew's up there. I want to talk to him. Or I want to hand him something like, excuse me, what are you doing up here? I'm at my friends. No, like, forget using the bathroom. It's like, you don't. You don't get to go up there. Now post 9 11, it's an actual security thing because they don't want people hanging around the cockpit. They don't want people standing around the cockpit door in the cockpit area. They'll tell you when the pilots come out, they put the serving cart there. They block it off. They tell everyone to sit down. And they will tell you, do not hover around the front. But you have more and more people. This is all right, I'm telling you this. There is an entitlement issue that's going on in this country that shows itself in ways that you guys don't think amount to a hill of beans. But to me it's more science than any science could ever. Any paper out of Harvard or Yale. This was a understood fact 10 years ago. It does not exist anymore. I flew to Tampa with a steady stream of people just walking through. 10 years ago, 20 years ago, it was like, hey, that guy paid five times as much for his ticket. He's flying first class. That's his bathroom. It's all right, we're going to land at the same time. And when we get off the plane we'll both be standing in Tampa. But I will have saved 1500 bucks that didn't exist. Now it is just literally a line of people walking to the front. And it's systematic situation. It's endemic to this society. It is what we've become. And the stewardess doesn't or the whatever doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't they enforce it? Do you think it's because after 9, 11 their focus is on other stuff or something?

[Bald Brian]

They. You see, this stuff starts. It's like, how do you eat? How do you eat a Buick? How could you eat a Buick?

[Allison Rosen]

Start with the Fender.

[Bald Brian]

You grind it up and you eat it one spoonful at a time.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I meant.

[Bald Brian]

And you just sprinkle it on your cereal every day. And five years from now you will have shit out of Buick. It doesn't, unfortunately. I'd be nice. It'd be nice if your intestines work that way. What I'm saying is you start slowly and then it just keeps going. And then eventually no one says anything but it's more. It's into this thing where the 1 percenters don't want to act like the 1 percenters anymore. I told the chick, hey, get these, get these 99 percenters out of my fucking grill. This is my bathroom. I got up twice to try to take a piss. I couldn't because someone from coach was in it. Tell them get the hell out of here. Tell them to go back. Yeah, she did. And she gave me a thumbs up from my seat. Every time she turned somebody around and turned them back, she gave me a thumbs up. And I gave her a fucking thumbs up.

[Dave Damashek]

She was like a golden.

[Bald Brian]

Now here's what I'm saying for those of you who think I'm some just elitist ass wipe, okay, Paul Bryan, who may think. How'd you know that? Okay, you like, you like going to Sporting Events and so on and so forth. What if you got a luxury box like you said? I don't. I could go and I could go out into the grandstands and watch the Dodgers and I could pay 30 bucks and get a ticket. But you know what? I'm going to spend 400 bucks and I'm going to get a luxury box ticket. Me and my dad. And then, you know, there's another 18 people and you're on the luxury box and you're enjoying with all the free food and all the stuff that comes with luxury box, but there's one bathroom in the luxury box. And you get up to go shake some of the dew off the lily because you've been hitting the kegerator pretty good and some guy just walks in from the bleachers, just walks in, hey, I gotta, I gotta use the head over here. How many times would that guy get a shot at your luxury box shitter before you thought to yourself, hey, I paid 400 bucks for my fucking ticket. You paid 30 bucks for your fucking ticket. You go out by the beer line and wait in fucking line and piss in the trough.

[Dave Damashek]

It's logical. Unfortunately, the luxury boxes have to use the same bathroom as all the other luxury boxes. So it's like a downgraded bathroom.

[Bald Brian]

But you're all right.

[Dave Damashek]

Your example makes sense.

[Bald Brian]

But you still wouldn't have somebody walking in.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, you would have a luxury box access to the home.

[Bald Brian]

You would not have just general admission come in. And if you did, you'd go, why am I paying for this?

[Allison Rosen]

That's why you pay so much to

[Bald Brian]

not have to be near that. Hey, rich guy, don't be uptight. Fuck you.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, it's just part of the. You pay so much so you can just walk right into the bathroom, walk right out and not have to stand

[Bald Brian]

in line or do whatever. So all I'm saying is since safety is a huge issue and since having people since the first class head is right up against the cockpit where they do not want people and they do not want bodies and they don't want traffic, so this is actually not conducive to safety yet has been ratcheted up 20 fold since 9 11. What the fuck is going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Entitlement. Entitlement is going on and nobody wants to fucking pipe up. It's the same reason why everyone in first class is wearing flip flops and cargo shorts. They don't want to be the rich dude anymore. And I'm just saying did you wear

[Allison Rosen]

your three piece suit?

[Bald Brian]

I wore spats.

[Allison Rosen]

Carrying your bags of money with dollar signs on them.

[Bald Brian]

I my monocle dropped into my old fashioned the second time someone jumped in front of me to use.

[Dave Damashek]

Thank God your ice cube hadn't dissolved. I mean your sugar cube hadn't dissolved yet because it broke the fall. They should allow the bathroom access to everyone whether it's in first class or whether it's in the luxury boxes. But the luxury box and the first class passengers should have like a front of the line pass. Like a Disneyland right to the front. They can cut in front of anybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Fast pass.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, exactly. Fast piss, fast gas. Also I always now listen to say, are we gonna get the super retarded? Tampering with, disabling or destroying the smoke detector in the laboratory is against federal regulation because some everything I complain about comes to fruition as we know. And some airlines have just said disabling with or tampering. They just got rid of the tampering with, disabling or destroying because it's super fucking redundant. But flying home on American they not only did the tampering with, disabling and destroying the smoke, they did the. This is a non smoking flight. It's a federal. Now can you read this?

[Allison Rosen]

It is a federal requirement to comply with all instructional signs, placards and crew member instructions regarding seatbelts and smoking.

[Bald Brian]

And they did just don't smoke. They did the thing, they did this out. They announced it. So they did the tampering with, disabling. This is a non smoking flight. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the smoke detector in the lavatory will. But you know, is it federal? Whatever. And then they went in to comply with all instructional signs and placards and placards and placards regarding smoking. And I just thought how much smoking conversation do we need to have on a plane?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think there's anyone who still thinks they can smoke on a plane, but who was alive when anyone.

[Bald Brian]

Listen, we. I feel like we're being fucking tortured here. Like before us, everyone just smoked. Doctors recommend Chesterfield's in a ball player. Hi, Mickey Manor Mantle for Chesterfield. That was it before us. You just smoked Wherever Mad Men. No one gave a shit. Everyone's fine. Who gives a fuck? Pregnant women smoking two cigarettes doesn't give fuck. Later we'll be living in this Rob Reiner utopia where no one's heard of cigarettes. You'll have to go to Mexico to get a fucking cigarette butt. We are living in this fucking nether. Region where we're being punished by constant talk about cigarettes or we already know about cigarettes. Like, this is a non smoking flight. Well, first off, that doesn't even need to be said anymore. But say it now we can move on. Why? It's a form, I think. I think it's a form of patting ourselves on the back. We love talking about how we're non, you know, like they do. Like, this restaurant is 100% smoke free. Like, all right, just say no smoke. Yeah, Fucking restaurant hero. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Damashek]

I'll do you one better. By saying, please comply with all crew member instructions regarding smoking. It almost implies that there will someday. There may someday be an instruction that says it's okay to smoke now. Like, why don't you say no smoking ever and be done with it? Like by saying comply, it's like there might be a change of instructions later. Please comply.

[Bald Brian]

And here's why. And everyone goes, I'm quit complaining. But here's the deal. You want to know why the tune out factor is off the fucking charts? Why I've flown commercially 5,000 times and I have no idea of anything to do with safety. I don't know what the fuck to do with safety. I don't know if I put my mask on first or put my kids mask on first. I don't know what is a flotation? What? I'm going to be grabbing titties and trying to use them for flotation devices. I don't know what to. Why? Because I'm so fucking tuned out with their extra fucking cop talk, their lawyer cop talk, their t, you know? Yeah, posted signs and placards. Like fucking just say signs, you fucking retards. And just say non smoking. Let's get on with our fucking lives. And by the way, maybe we could absorb 2% of the safety part of the fucking spiel. Spiel. Er schmel or spiel if we weren't being bombarded with all this fucking useless shit. All right, I'll tell you what's not useless. Go to meeting. That's right. Everyone's got a different schedule these days. Everybody's running around. That's why you need go to meeting. Ah, I wish that bitch behind me had gotomeeting. We could add a little meeting. Instead of her poking me in the

[Allison Rosen]

back of the elbow, she would have seen her finger poking in the camera.

[Bald Brian]

GoToMeeting with HD faces brought to you by Citrix. Course, no matter where you are this summer, you just take that webcam. Well, it's all built into all the computers and all the laptops and everything. These as your iPad. You can download the free app. How about the app GoToMeeting app? That's right. Start hosting online meetings today with GoToMeeting. Free 45 days free. Visit GoToMeeting.com click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. Goat. Goat. Goat cheese.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm glad you're over it. Glad you moved past it.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

There wasn't even tomato sauce on the pizza as far as I could tell. It looked like a Weight Watchers frozen dessert.

[Dave Damashek]

Again, sun dried tomatoes. Sounds better than it is.

[Bald Brian]

My fantasy is to get the guy from United, the chef from United States. And then I'll get the chef from Air Canada, the guy who decided to make the chicken parmesan with no red sauce, just weird, funky gelatinous white sauce and just put him in a couple folding chairs, call a meeting, go, hey, I want to honor these heroes. And then just go Al Capone on them with a fucking baseball bat. Just fuck that thing where you're beating them. And then I start getting splattered with blood and I just.

[Dave Damashek]

Finally some red sauce.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Any questions? And then, and then I say, do we have any other culinary heroes in the room?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm sure as a united sommelier,

[Bald Brian]

anybody wants to reinvent something here? Anybody? Speak up now, please. Speak up. Anyone who wants to put goat cheese where it don't belong. Anybody wants to invent their own fucking take on a time time honored Italian dish? Anybody? I didn't then. I just.

[Allison Rosen]

Any fusion fans?

[Bald Brian]

I dropped? Yes.

[Dave Damashek]

The Virgin Atlanta guy starts to raise his hand. Eric France guy pulls it down.

[Bald Brian]

I drop the bat like a black rapper is done with a set and I just walk out of the room.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Bald Brian]

You just said rapper. Oh, sorry. The slow applause starts. I think I like the thing at least. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Dave Damashek]

Quite a fantasy.

[Bald Brian]

All right, let's see. Ah, Jake Steinfeld is here. Jake Body by Jake. You know Jake. I love this Jake. Jake is coming in and we're gonna talk about his new book and many, many other things next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a

[Adam Carolla]

Jew on the Adam Carolla show.

[Bald Brian]

Dateline, Lake Wales, Florida. Authorities arrested a 25 year old man for stealing and attempting to recycle items from his neighbor's yard, including an air conditioner, a hot water heater, and a parade float. Definitely not a Jew. Jake Steinfeld in studio. You know him as definitely a Jake. Yes. Body by Jake. Feel like, I feel like I've known you at least half my life. There was, like, Jack lalanne and then there was Jake, and I don't, I don't count Richard. What's his Simmons in there?

[Dave Damashek]

Billy Blanks.

[Bald Brian]

Jake was before Billy.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Thank you. Giving me already before 30 seconds into the deal.

[Dave Damashek]

Is that giving you shit, bringing up Billy Blanks?

[Jake Steinfeld]

No, but Jake, see, Adam was. This is his show.

[Bald Brian]

Let me talk.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Jake's got a new book. Take a shot. It's a remarkable story of perseverance, friendship, and a really crazy adventure. I didn't know you guys, you and your partner Dave founded Major League Lacrosse. I did not. Yeah, man, I know that.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It was, you know, look, as an entrepreneur, that was one of those sort of moments, your life's about moments. And I was pretty fortunate. You know, we do go way back, Adam. As a matter of fact, I remember when we used to do the home and family show together with you and Dr. Drew.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, that's right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. That was 1995 or 6. Who hosted that show?

[Jake Steinfeld]

That was Christina Ferrara. Remember Christina?

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And you guys used to come on and abuse everybody.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And it was the Family Channel.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And you guys, you did some horrific things. I'm just saying.

[Bald Brian]

I, I, I. No, I'm just saying, I forget to. I gotta. I forget about all the shows. Like Terry Bradshaw's show, married to DeLorean.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Remember Terry Bradshaw Show?

[Bald Brian]

She was married to DeLorean.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right. But remember, Terry Bradshaw had had a show.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I still have the football. Yeah, Terry signed the football.

[Bald Brian]

I got mine in the next room, too.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Me too. I saw it. Yeah, I got the same football.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I guess they just give you. Well, it makes sense.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You get a football.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. If he gave you. If he gave you, like, a shuttlecock, it'd be confused.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That'd be weird.

[Bald Brian]

It'd be weird.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Or give you a goat cheese p. That would even be.

[Bald Brian]

That wouldn't go over well in your old neighborhood, but it would still be

[Allison Rosen]

in the other room.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I'll tell you something, you know, go. I. I hear what you were saying. I was sitting outside listening to the conversation about flying and about dealing with, you know, the mishigos. Sure, Right. Sure. That you deal with and that you. You. It. Goat cheese pizza. It's illegal.

[Bald Brian]

It should be.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It should be fined.

[Bald Brian]

Well, there should be a sanctioning body.

[Jake Steinfeld]

There should be. Right. There should be.

[Bald Brian]

I can't make my own Big Mac and just. Just shit on a bun and go. It's called a Big Mac. I can't do it there.

[Jake Steinfeld]

International Organization of Pizza.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

People who watch over who makes the pizza.

[Bald Brian]

Watchdog group. Watchdog pizza, paisan.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I think that's the deal.

[Allison Rosen]

Pizza.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And if you put goat cheese on it, you get beaten. You get a beating from Tony Soprano, somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Salami.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. We give you a beat and we get. We get one of those cheese wheels in the net and we start swinging the thing.

[Jake Steinfeld]

There it is.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And mine's out of air too.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, well, it's also.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It's also 26 years old, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Adam, you are so funny. Terry Bradshaw.

[Bald Brian]

We and I got the same thing. Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Jake, you're so funny.

[Bald Brian]

It's not exactly same then, but. So, Jake, we don't. We don't have this lacrosse out here in Southern California. It doesn't.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Adam. I beg your pardon? We do.

[Bald Brian]

Well, we do now, right? We didn't. We didn't grow up. And it's because everyone I know is from the east coast and like. Oh, it's huge. Growing up, everyone plays lacrosse. Jim Brown played lacrosse. And then like, like here. First off, I have this theory, by the way. I've decided we have Mexicans here, and it's basically, we gotta figure out a way to keep 20 Mexicans busy with $3 worth of equipment. That's one ball. And they just run around, kick it in a circle all day long. The cross involves like shoulder pads and helmets. It's too much. No. Look at all the countries that are in to soccer. They're all the poorest countries. Because how are you gonna keep 2512 year olds busy for nothing? But, you know, you can't do figure skating and stuff like that. That involves like an ice rink and equipment and skates and, you know, all that stuff.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You got a point.

[Bald Brian]

It's cheap fun.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It is cheap fun. But if you really listen, American sports fans love hitting, scoring and speed, right? And the sport of lacrosse really does have it all. And you're right, you know, the game was sort of born back east, but it actually is America's oldest game.

[Bald Brian]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

It's older than baseball, older than prostitution.

[Bald Brian]

Older than taxes and prostitution.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah. You know, I did read that. Alison, did you read that too?

[Allison Rosen]

Mm, I wrote it and read it.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Oh, you wrote it.

[Bald Brian]

It's the oldest game.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It is the oldest American game. And you know, it was one of those things where I had a television service called Fit TV, which I launched in 1993 and sold in 1998. And I'm a basketball guy, but I. I did play lacrosse. In high school, I went to college. You know, Cornell University.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I went to Cortland down the street.

[Bald Brian]

And. Where. Where. And.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And I just. So I get the story right with you guys, right? I. I had just gotten into bodybuilding. I was a fat Jewish kid with a really bad starter growing up, and my dad bought me a set of weights at 13 years old.

[Chuck Zito]

Oh.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And it really changed my life. Terrible stutter.

[Bald Brian]

I got to give my kid a speech impediment because all the greats had to overcome a speech impediment. It's just a waste of my time. And they're all great actors, and I don't think he's even dyslexic. I don't have to beat something.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You gotta do something.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Cause I want him to ask him

[Jake Steinfeld]

a lot of questions and don't let him answer. And it just starts to happen.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, okay. Sonny, Sonny, listen, listen. No, you listen to me. You listen to me. You listen to me. Jake, listen, my friend. Jake. Do you know who Terry Bradshaw is? I didn't think so. Do you have a ball sign by Terry.

[Allison Rosen]

Brad.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? I'll answer that question. No, you don't have a ball signed by Terry Bradshaw. You wanna know why? It says because you now have a stutter.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Now you have a stutter.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, now he gets stuttered.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Now he's got a stutter. Listen to him. He was fine.

[Bald Brian]

And I want a little dyslexia, too, because all the greats had to overcome something.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Stutter, though, is major.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's good.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Let me explain about that, too, just for a second. Stuttering is something that, you know, a lot of people to this day still feel that they can make fun of. And it's really. It is a debilitating part of life. I mean, listen, as a fat kid, I couldn't pick up a telephone and order a pizza to get the goat cheese. I'm talking about a regular cheese pizza.

[Bald Brian]

It's amazing you stay fat.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That I could. I'm telling you right now. Right. And it's that. But it was one of those things that my dad bought me a set of weights at 13. It changed my life. I mean, not only did the weights build my body, but it built my confidence.

[Bald Brian]

Wasn't I telling you I wanted my son to get fat the other day? Weren't we just talking about him getting fat?

[Dave Damashek]

You gotta pack it on.

[Bald Brian]

The stutter, the dyslexia and the fat equal. Oh, my gosh, you're fucking Brad Pitt at that point.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's exactly Right.

[Bald Brian]

So your dad gets you the weight

[Jake Steinfeld]

set and changed my life.

[Bald Brian]

You start getting some self esteem.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Well, I mean, at first, that wasn't really, you know, he called me out into the backyard, he said, let's do some bench pressing. I'll never forget the moment. And I kind of looked down, I short Twinkies or something like that on my hand, and I said, it's not for me. And he was a guy who just sort of let it be and just sort of let me gravitate towards the weights, which is what I did. And, you know, the second the girls start to recognize you, you know, and this is one of those moments too, because. Because I'll never forget that moment when I pulled this sort of. It was an easy curl bar out of the laundry room, brought it into my bedroom. And this is 19. I'm 54 years old now, so the early 70s, my black light posters in my room, Jimi Hendrix on one wall and Alice Cooper on the other. I was a little mixed up. But I did love to listen to Frank Sinatra, as I did it my way, too. And at the end of Frank's album, There's just like 10 seconds of wild applause for Frank Sinatra. So here I was with my easy curl bar with this little skinny mirror I put on top of my ottoman. I put this tank top on over my stomach, hanging over my underpants. Sure. Looking in the mirror. And there I was, Jake Steinfeld doing his bicep curls in front of 50,000 screaming fans at Madison Square Garden.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And that's where the sickness began. I mean, you know, all of a sudden, I'm standing up straighter. I'm feeling better about myself. You know, girls like Allison are like. You feel in their arm instead of, of, oh, that's the fat, funny guy. Now it's like, hey, you got some muscles.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Swinging 70. But did you still stutter?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Do I still stutter?

[Bald Brian]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you still stutter at that point?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, that. Listen, stutter is one of those things that, you know, you get. You get tight, you get tired. The. The words get jumbled up. But it's.

[Bald Brian]

But did the confidence of having the

[Jake Steinfeld]

physique help with 100%. So I, you know, my goal immediately was to become Mr. America. There's not a lot of Jews who. There's not a lot of muscular Jews.

[Bald Brian]

No, Mostly. No.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right. Come on.

[Bald Brian]

News is mostly Mr. Universe, not Mr. America. You're right. I get your point. 100%. 100. I'm with you, Jay.

[Jake Steinfeld]

So. Except my grandma Believed. She believed in me and believed that, you know, if that's a dream you want to pursue. My parents thought I was out of my mind, you know, and they said, you got to go to college. So I was literally upstate New York at Cortlandt, where, you know, it's not too conducive to walk around in your gold lame, posing trunks and 18 inches of snow, right? I immediately said, this is. I've got to go to California. I was playing lacrosse. I got into school to play the sport of lacrosse. And I had that sort of another moment where I picked up the phone and called. My mom was calling me every day. How's poli sci? How's English? You know, as every Jewish mother does. And I said, finally took a deep breath. I said, ma, I'm going to go to California to become a bodybuilder.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Silence on the phone.

[Bald Brian]

Dream of Herbie, Jewish mother.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Pick up the phone and talk to your kid. I'm putting my head in the oven. And I remember the moment, getting in that bus from upstate New York, coming all the way back to Baldwin, Long Island.

[Bald Brian]

What did your dad do for a living?

[Jake Steinfeld]

He sold insurance. He sold insurance. He sold cosmetics. He was a salesman. That's what my dad did.

[Bald Brian]

So you go out to California at

[Jake Steinfeld]

19, 19 years old with the. With the goal to become Mr. America.

[Bald Brian]

Do you go right down to Venice Beach?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right down to Venice beach, man. And although I have to tell you, man, I have to be honest, I only had an apartment in Northridge because my parents knew some friends who lived in Northridge, and they said, it's the Valley. Okay, great. The Valley, you know, that's going to be fantastic. And I used to drive over the hill, and it's a true story to Muscle beach, to Gold's Jet. And this one. This one crazy moment happened to me. I'm coming back this one day. I stopped at this place called Save My Drugstore in Encino, and a woman stops me and says, can I ask you a question? I said, yeah, sure. She said, have you ever heard of the group the Village People? I said, well, yeah, you know, I'm more of a Jethro Tull guy, but I know the Village People. She said, have you ever heard of the song Macho Man? I said, yeah, I hear it on the radio all the time. She goes, you know what? You are the macho man. And I said, well, thank you very much. You know, now, this woman, I just

[Bald Brian]

sat behind me on the airplane today.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Just so you understand, right? This is 1977. 1978. Right. I had the mustache. I had the, you know, the extra small Baby Gap T shirt on and the tight shorts. You know what every muscle head looks like.

[Bald Brian]

What year are we talking now? This is after.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This is 1978. Right. So.

[Bald Brian]

Well, this is right before. After pumping iron.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This right after pumping iron.

[Bald Brian]

Right after.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right after pumping.

[Bald Brian]

That changed your life.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That changed. It did. I mean, that to me is Gone with the Wind. Right. I gotta be honest. The movie's Gone with the Wind.

[Bald Brian]

It's amazing. Arnold was Franco Colombo. Franco, Louis, the whole game.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

Right. You know, so you come out reminiscing. Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Going back in time. It just feels great.

[Bald Brian]

That's a hall from Northridge over to Venice.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It was a hall. And there were moments when I would drive over the hill and I didn't know a soul. And I would think, jesus, you know, if God forbid, something happened to me, nobody would find me. No, I didn't know a soul. I just would go back and over the hill. So. So here I was with this woman, true story. And she said, you are the macho man. I told her, well, thank you very much. She said, how would you like to pose on stage with the Village People now? I said, well, you know, well, that's kind of interesting. She said, oh, by the way, we're going to give you $100. I said, come on. Am I on Candid Camera? You know, and now I'm not really familiar. I know the song. I don't know what the program is. She said, well, listen, how about you come to Casablanca Records? She introduced herself. Her name was Suzy Frank, head of A and R, Casablanca Records. She said, we could sign the deal over there. I said, you're kidding. This is unbelievable. I've been in California now maybe, maybe 30 days. So I drive down Sunset Boulevard. I have my white 1977 Camaro with Jake 77 on the license plate. Kept a very low profile. It's very important, you know.

[Bald Brian]

Low profile. That's right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Show up, meet this guy, Neil Bogart, who runs. Who ran Casablanca Records. Introduced himself to me, right? Susie Frank is there. Donna Summer comes walking in. They give me a stack of albums. I can't believe this is happening to me. I get back in my car. There's no cell phones back there. So I drive back to my apartment in Northridge. I call my mother and father. I said, ma, dad, you're not gonna believe this. I'm gonna be a star. I'm posing on stage with a rock and roll band. You gotta come Out. You gotta bring my sister Nancy. Bring Nancy, who was five years old at the time.

[Bald Brian]

Now, do you have a gig? I mean, a show date? Are they playing the Saturday night or the.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I'm posing on stage at the Santa Monica Civic Center Saturday night. Okay, at the Santa Monica Civic Center. All right. So my parents, that. My parents fly out. They're very supportive of me. I have two younger brothers. They were, you know, a Jewish family. They're summer camp. So they were in summer camp, upstate New York somewhere. But they brought my little sister who was five years old. I get picked up at a limousine for the first time in my life. They take me to the Santa Monica Civic Center. It says Village People. Sold out.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Jake Steinfeld]

They give me a dressing room in the back. I've been to a lot of concerts back in New York. Madison Square Garden, the Felt Forum. I've seen, you know, everybody from Tall, the Dead. And I always heard about the groupies, you know. So I'm backstage, I'm putting up the oil, man.

[Bald Brian]

You jump right to the front of the line for the chick groupies. When you're hanging with the Village People, I mean, you may have to fend off a few dudes, but I mean, I think just you and the black guy doing battle. And if she doesn't roll, you know, interracially, you're in great shape.

[Jake Steinfeld]

But I don't know the program. I'm just. I don't know the program. I'm looking backstage, I'm going to say, you know, I don't see a lot of chicks back here. And I just figure, hey, you know what? They're probably out front waiting for me.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You know, now get this disco big time, right? So they took all the floor seating out of the Santa Monica Civic center and made it one big disco, right? Macho man was the encore performance. Number one song in the country. So they waited for me. Right now they say this. The concert's almost over. The stage manager is flying backstage. I'll break into this right now. No, I'll break into it right now.

[Bald Brian]

So you're coming out. So big encore.

[Jake Steinfeld]

So I'm coming out for the big encore. They bring me backstage. I'm all oiled up, got the gold

[Bald Brian]

ladder, doing those push ups. I'm feeling you.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Huge, man. I'm huge. And all of a sudden I'm peeking my. My eyes through the curtain and I'm listening to the mate, you know, to the lead singer, and he's yelling at everybody. How many of you out there think you're Macho. And the place is screaming. They're going nuts, guys. Sure. And I'm noticing as he's yelling that the guy's got these pair of black chaps on, right? And he ain't wearing no underwear.

[Bald Brian]

What? That's at the Village.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Thanks, doctor. Now start picking up some speed, right? So we. They say, we got somebody who's real macho. Jake, come on out. So I come out on stage, right? And I start breaking into that singing. Macho Man. Right?

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And I start doing, you know, I'm doing my thing. I'm done, you know, like this.

[Bald Brian]

All right. He's pumping and. Right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I'm shaking and I'm feeling like this.

[Bald Brian]

Bang, bang. Yeah. Giving them what they want. Other. Any chicks out in the audience?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Well, let me just say.

[Dave Damashek]

Mom and a sister.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Let me. Let me just say this. She blew my whole bed out of it.

[Bald Brian]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I look at the audiences go notice it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Go ahead.

[Jake Steinfeld]

They're all guys. And there's my mom and my dad and my little baby sister looking at me like this.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. Yeah. It didn't take him long to go hollering.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And all I can tell you is that they come backstage. I'll never forget this. I had a white Adidas sweatsuit. I zipped up to the top. I'm standing in the corner, you know, I whacked out of my mind. I don't know what just went on. Sure. My father was an Old Navy guy, right?

[Bald Brian]

Perfect.

[Jake Steinfeld]

He smoked cigarettes. My dad smoked cigarettes. He's not here with us anymore, but he looked at me for a second and he said, go back to college. Yeah, that was a bit. And that. And that. And that was my first entree to Hollywood and. And LA. And I entered the Mr. Southern California contest. Honestly, a couple of months later, came in second place. Guy that beat me was on steroids.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I never took steroids. I read all the muscle magazines. Everybody said, Eat 18 eggs and 24 chickens a day and you too could become Mr. America.

[Bald Brian]

Desecrated liver tablets and shit they had back then.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I clucked a lot, but I didn't become Mr. America. But I gotta say, there was a. I love fitness. I love working out. I don't know about you growing up, but there was not a lot of people that really supported me in my dream. Especially your friends that looked at you and said, come on, you're a fat bastard, Jake. You're not going to become a bodybuilder. You'll be home in six months.

[Bald Brian]

The Whole point of your friends. Oh, imagine me, I'm telling my friends, yeah, I'm going to go take a groundling class. They're like, what the fuck is a groundling? And I'm like, it's. You know, you make up stuff. How much do they pay? No, no, you pay them. Hold on a second. Ted, come here. Tell them what you told me. You pay him to make. You pay them to make shit up. That's.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, have fun. Have fun with your groundhogs class over there.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Who gets the last laugh, though, at it?

[Bald Brian]

Well, I'm living in shitty apartments now, and I'm laughing at them, but.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yes, but sometimes. But sometimes the people closer to you are the ones who are the nastiest, right? And I remember those right friends telling me, you'll be home in six months. And when I came in second place in that contest, I was pretty. You know, I was pretty sure. I thought, I'm not taking steroids. You know, there's something wrong with that picture. But what am I going to do? And fortunately, right place, right time, I was the first guy to really do personal fitness training and sort of made it an occupation and parlayed the famous by association. The people who I were training, right. Travel with them and, you know, who did you.

[Bald Brian]

Who. Who are. I mean, it's a who's who, right?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Well, back in the day, I trained, you know, I trained Harrison Ford and Spielberg and Priscilla Presley and Bette Midler for Down out in Beverly Hills.

[Bald Brian]

And right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

There's people and places and. And films like that. And I just. I got to hang with these people, but more importantly, I got to know them. And it was like, with. With all due respect, they're fantastic and they're talented people, but they ain't no different than you and me. The only difference is they had a dream and they never took no for an answer.

[Bald Brian]

And it's a great deal for you because you get to travel with them, go on set with them, and you do what you love to do, but you don't really have the pressures of, you know, memorizing the script and all that kind of stuff. You can eat what you. I mean, you can't eat like a pig, but you're working out and they're kind of. Look, for that one brief. It's, it's. It's a weird thing. Like, look, if you're Bill Gates and a cop pulls you over and the guy works for San Bernardino and he's 24 years old, for that 12 minutes, he's the boss.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

For that little moment in time, that 24 year old guy who dropped out of junior college and is working for the San Bernardino pd, Bill Gates is saying, yes, sir.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It's like the same dude at the parking garage who tells you it's full, you pull up a nice car, he says no.

[Bald Brian]

When you have a trainer, you know, Harrison Ford or whatever, Spielberg, they made biggest guys in the world, but for the hour and a half, they're with you or whatever they're with, you're their boss, you're telling them what to do and they're trying to impress you.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

They don't want you to go, come on.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You know, we had a great. It was amazing. It was one of those things I never imagined that that would ever be. But to be able to hang with those kinds of guys and learn from them and see what success is all about, and it just opens your eyes to it, you know, look, we all go to movies, we watch tv, you know, people listen to you and see, how does he do that? What do you. How could I do that? And when you hang and you understand it, you see that it just takes passion. It takes a lot of belief in yourself and it takes, it takes patience too and understanding and got some balls. And taking a shot.

[Bald Brian]

You also figure out, one of the things I figured out is I should be hanging with these guys and not my asshole buddies from the Valley. Even though I get to be the head honcho with my douchebag friends from the Valley.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's why you hang with me.

[Bald Brian]

I'd rather be low man on the totem pole and learn something.

[Jake Steinfeld]

But I'm telling you, and when you do, it's a great experience. And like in life, look, what's the worst that's going to happen to you? That's why we titled the book Take a Shot. If you don't take a shot in life, right, if you have an idea, a dream, you got a lot of people, you got millions of people listen to this podcast every single day who laugh, who are entertained by what you do.

[Dave Damashek]

There's not a lot of laughing.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah, but no, listen, there's a lot of people, right? You should check it out. A lot of people laugh at this show.

[Bald Brian]

Take a Shot, by the way, do

[Allison Rosen]

you know how to listen to it?

[Bald Brian]

You can, I'm gonna find out.

[Dave Damashek]

Is there a link on our page?

[Bald Brian]

You can get it on Amazon. By the way, the Take a Shot Jack. And again, if you're going to Amazon, go to AdamCroll.com and click on the banner and show some love for Jake. And show a little love for the pirate ship. You want to queue up the news there, Allison, Rose and Jake, you sit in and crack wise. We'll do some news. First, a little love to one of our sponsors, stamps.com. oh, man, I should have thought of this years ago. Everything's getting easier. Technology, it's making things easier. Like online banking, ATMs. Why not? Why not the post office? We don't need to go there anymore, people. We got stamps.com. you can do anything, anything you do with the post office, do from your own desk. Now you can buy and print official US Postage and do it right from your own computer. It says here 24, 7. I round to 2510. Is that where I'm at? Because I like to round. I round up. Someone told me I would have to round down and go, but I'm going up. I'm going 25 10.

[Dave Damashek]

That sounds more impressive. For sure.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. All right. Well, they say 24, 7. Either way, they never close down because you never close down because you print it from your own computer. And they got a special offer, no risk. It's worth 110 bonus bucks, baby. You got a digital scale. It's 55 bucks for the digital scale, but that's Gratos, my friend. They're giving it to you for free. And you also get free postage. That's right. A digital scale and 55 bucks free postage only. If you enter Adam, go to stamps.com, click on the microphone in the top of the homepage. Type in Adam, that is stamps.com, promo code. Adam, get the scale and the 55 bucks.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That was a nice read on that one. One. That. That was a nice felt, organic in the first part read. No, you know what I'm talking about from the heart. That first. That. That nice presentation was great.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It was good. The stamps were the one earlier than so much. The one earlier. The first part of the show, go to my PC. That was. I mean, honestly, I'm just telling you, I'm just.

[Bald Brian]

Room for improvement.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I'm just saying, if you'd like, I could read it for you and understood. You know, next time I just think a little more, you know, you in there. You know what I'm talking about.

[Bald Brian]

And I sort of mailed that one in a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Well, I could put more in me.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I mean, it would be better, especially since these, you know, these dudes are on the right.

[Bald Brian]

Well, we Got E voice here. Well, you can try that at some point. Why don't we do a news story.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

Or two, and we could talk about.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Take a shot and then we didn't talk much about. The book would be great.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, well, the book. Well, listen, you. You're selling the book by selling yourself on this show.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I know. No, that's great.

[Bald Brian]

You're being engaged on the show.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Outstanding.

[Bald Brian]

Oh. Oh, I see. I see my favorite sliver ever. The one that looks. Pictures.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's. I went straight for those pictures.

[Bald Brian]

I see pictures.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's why I put.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you consider scratch and sniff?

[Jake Steinfeld]

In which picture?

[Allison Rosen]

Any of them.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

People don't do that enough.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Scratch and sniff and Alison, what would you expect from a scratch and sniff? I'm just saying it would be great to get a female perspective on that.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, honestly, your pictures are not necessarily conducive to scratch and sniff. It might be like, I don't know, men's cologne or sweat.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah, well, I mean, is it great? Shot of John Kennedy Jr. In there, right?

[Allison Rosen]

And David Loren of Swing magazine, which I almost wrote for many years ago.

[Jake Steinfeld]

No way. Do you know that? That's the reason why I don't. I started Major League Lacrosse. I read an article in Swing magazine, David Lawrence magazine.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

About this kid, Dave Mullen, in for the swing vote. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Which I think the magazine. I forget how long it was around. Only a handful of years.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It was one and a half years. It was about four issues. Wait a second. Allison, come on. Don't leave me hanging.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not holding hands now. I'm looking at the book.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's great. So you almost wrote for them?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I met the editor at south by Southwest years ago. We had talked about me doing a story for them, and then they were gone.

[Bald Brian]

This is a whole different. We gotta do a whole podcast.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This is amazing. Swig Magazine was the reason why I launched Major League of Lacrosse. Reading an article about this kid Dave Maher, who started a company called Warrior Lacrosse in his dorm room at Princeton.

[Bald Brian]

And it doesn't exist anymore. No.

[Chuck Zito]

No.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Well, the magazine doesn' but David Lauren does and Polo does, and Dave Morrow is a wealthy guy. I mean, his brand. Warrior, is now a global brand.

[Bald Brian]

It is.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And Major League Lacrosse is. We just finished our 12th season. Crowned our champion yesterday at Boston. Chesapeake Bayhawks beat The Denver Outlaws 16, 6.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you have money on the game?

[Bald Brian]

Did you? I think I parlayed it.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Did you?

[Bald Brian]

I parlayed it with some sort of Olympic shit. God damn it. I gotta talk to cousin Sal.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Listen, Diet Coke.

[Bald Brian]

Let's do some news. And Jake, you jumped and crack shall you the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So Neil Armstrong died over the weekend. He was 82. He died after complications from open heart surgery, which I have to say has got to be the worst. Because you have the surgery, you think you're fine or your family thinks you're fine, and then boom, you're not.

[Bald Brian]

And then they always do that thing where they're like, well, is he too old for her? And then I guess you get your answer.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Do you guys know that my little son Luke, my youngest guy, did a book report on Mr. Armstrong?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we're aware of that.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You did know that, right?

[Bald Brian]

We read it in the show, I

[Allison Rosen]

did it in my news.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Would you do that next?

[Bald Brian]

Well, you get a feeling.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And we were in Boston and when this news came about, Luke Steinfeld gave us a little backstory on Neil Armstrong. And it was pretty interesting to hear a little 11 year old guy, what

[Bald Brian]

they were, what those guys were doing back then was insane. I mean, now it's like, hey, we'll throw a teacher or something on the shuttle. And it's fairly, you know, blows up every once in a while. But these guys were getting into tin cans.

[Jake Steinfeld]

He was flying before he was driving.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I don't know if he's a test pilot or fighter jack, but. Or both. But these guys were daredevils, Major. They didn't know, you know, like when Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, most people thought you might disintegrate or just go into some, you know, wormhole or something like they didn't. One of the guys, I don't know if it's de Havilland or one of the. One of the guys from out of England. They're obsessed with speech in England. And he was the son of one of the. One of the aircraft manufacturers, World War II, tried to break the sound barrier by putting his plane into a dive and literally just going straight down. And the plane just self destruct, it just fell apart and the guy died. So they didn't know a lot of this stuff. Like imagine if you're getting back, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, speaking of how dangerous it was, Nixon had a speech written for him

[Bald Brian]

in like when he's gone.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't work. Well, in Case. Yeah. In case it's in the event of moon disaster. This was on Buzzfeed today, and it's going around.

[Bald Brian]

I got one, too. I mean, if I get busted cheating, it's a different speech.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

But I have it prepared.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good to always have that cheating.

[Jake Steinfeld]

When, though, like any grade, it's all in the.

[Bald Brian]

It's all in the text. But what I do is I leave a space for the dates and the times and the girl's name and stuff like that. Who knows? Boilerplate tripling stuff. Yeah. That kind of cheating. Yeah. Like on my wife.

[Jake Steinfeld]

See where I'm going.

[Chuck Zito]

Oh, wow.

[Dave Damashek]

My fellow Corollas.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Fate. This is what the speech would have said. Yeah, I do. Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. And it goes on. But. Yeah, and then there's even instructions at the bottom that say, prior to the president's statement, the president should telephone each of the widows to be. And then after the statement. So it's all sorts of instructions. So they were ready for this whole thing to not go so well, to not be a giant leap for mankind.

[Bald Brian]

I'd be a horrible president because I'd be. Do a lot of like. Isn't this kind of why we have the vice president? Why do I have to drop off all the bummer news?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Let Agnew talk for a while or whoever's fucking over there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Come on. Why do I gotta fucking be a bummer? I want people. By the way, if it goes well, you know, I'll talk about that. But when stuff doesn't work out, get the fucking vice president.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Get the number two.

[Bald Brian]

He'd be more than happy to do it, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Between you and me, he's a little more presidential anyway.

[Bald Brian]

I'm gonna be like, he'll commit this shit to memory. I'll just be reading off. They'll just be cue cards, you know, for me. That's good.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Bald Brian]

And, yeah, get him a little camera. Time and again. I don't want to bum everyone out. I want to associate me with the bummer, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's smart. And so now the two parties in my favorite joke are both dead.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

So in honor of this passage, what's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I was trying to think of the vice president. LBJ.

[Dave Damashek]

69, 68. It was LBJ. Oh, no, no, he was the president. It was.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's what I Was trying to think of. All right, we'll figure it out. Sorry. Who. What. What was the difference between.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Oh, well, Neil Armstrong was the first

[Bald Brian]

man to walk on the moon.

[Allison Rosen]

Michael Jackson has sex with children. Had, I guess to say now it was Agnew.

[Bald Brian]

Jesus Christ, Allison.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You do that with such a straight face. You just deliver that.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That really. That was good.

[Bald Brian]

That was solid.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I didn't think it was.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't see it coming.

[Bald Brian]

I did not.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. So Rodney King's death report has been released. He had pcp, cocaine, alcohol and marijuana.

[Bald Brian]

I rarely call. Don't speak anymore. Anymore. Just don't. I don't want to call you a liar. So you know the way I feel about the man. What a shot.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry, but this is the truth.

[Bald Brian]

I was just not prepared for this.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. You only see good in him. You're blinded.

[Bald Brian]

Because he's a hero in the black community. He's a hero because he tried to outrun the fucking lapd. Hi. And then he. Basically, a little domestic violence. And I got to talk to the black community and explain to them a few things. I will show them a picture of Rosa Parks and Harriet Tubman and Martin Luther King go, no problem here. These are heroes. And then I'll show them, like, Marion Barry and Ronnie King go, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Let's not rally behind the fuck ups. Everybody I know was. Marion Barry was it. I know you guys can throw them in there. Look, I know you guys are the same color, but look, let me give you an example. Neil Armstrong, Charlie Manson, both white guys, okay? I do not associate.

[Dave Damashek]

Both from la.

[Bald Brian]

We don't. Both from LA area jump on board. Yep. We don't rally behind the guy with the swastika and forehead. No, not all of us. Not all of us.

[Dave Damashek]

We prefer Charles Manson.

[Bald Brian]

Either way, a hero. A hero.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, tangent. Did you know that there actually is a Berry called a Marian Berry?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, I did know him.

[Allison Rosen]

I did not. On Portlandia, there was a whole plot about Marion Barry pancakes, which I thought was so funny because I thought it was, you know, a reference to Mary and Barry. And I actually texted Fred. I'm dropping a name. Armisen. And then he said, mary and berries exist. And then I felt stupid.

[Bald Brian]

Or he freaked out and started calling you bitch and swinging at you.

[Allison Rosen]

He pops off. He goes from zero to insane, just like that.

[Bald Brian]

I'm scared to be alone in a room with him.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, I know. That's why I like him, though.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Is this now one of your buddies? I've just lived here.

[Bald Brian]

Fred Armisen, snl. Saturday Night Live.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And he's a pal.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

On his good days.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And another. Another hero in the black community. Does Barack Obama.

[Dave Damashek]

Is he black?

[Allison Rosen]

It's true.

[Bald Brian]

He could be.

[Allison Rosen]

Fred. No.

[Dave Damashek]

No, he's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Obama. So King was, according to the report, in a state of drug and alcohol induced delirium at the time of his death. And he either fell or jumped into the swimming pool.

[Bald Brian]

Okay? He'll be missed.

[Dave Damashek]

Why can't it be both?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. All right, look, look. The guy's a drug addict and, you know, you feel bad for the guy, but again, let's. Let's not make a hero out of the guy. Fucking try. He was loaded and he was trying to outrun the lapd, and then he got the shit beat out of him, which is not a good thing. Cops aren't supposed to do that. But there's ways to avoid it. You cannot get in loads. Don't get in trouble and don't try to outrun them.

[Jake Steinfeld]

But I think that you glorify. I think we should just keep moving on and, you know. And you don't talk about it anymore.

[Bald Brian]

Don't make him a hero. That's all I'm saying. And later on, I think he got busted for trying to run over. It's like a prostitute or something. He literally. He got charged. He's been charged with tons of shit over the course of his criminal.

[Allison Rosen]

He will be missed.

[Bald Brian]

He'll be missed. He'll be missed.

[Allison Rosen]

Sweet Caroline has been banned from football game sing alongs at Penn State because the lyrics are considered inappropriate given everything that happened at Penn State. Specifically the lyrics. Touching me, touching you. And people are freaking out because this is a really old. It's a really old tradition that. This is part of the Penn State Sing along Now. Unfortunately, the song is stuck in my head ever since I read the story, and I'm going insane.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. All right. Well, first off, I remember being excited when I played the trumpet for one year.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Me, too, man.

[Bald Brian]

Really?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Just one year.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Fifth grade.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I was in.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Except my teeth. These big, like, buck teeth. Oh, forget it.

[Bald Brian]

You figure they give the fat kid the tuba?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah. No, the trumpet. I tried, like, Herb Alpit.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's right. My mother and father listened to the herbal at Tijuana Press all the time.

[Bald Brian]

It was awesome.

[Jake Steinfeld]

They gave me the trumpet.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

But I could never do the.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you gotta get the lip Down.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah, right.

[Bald Brian]

I was. I was devastated because I was in Mr. Inocencio's class. I remember in seventh grade at Walter Reed, and all we did at, like, beginning band is like, play the scales or something. Like, you didn't do anything. Wasn't fun, you know, you wanted to play.

[Allison Rosen]

You wanted to do my drop.

[Bald Brian]

That's exactly what you want to do. No, but I wanted to play, like. I wanted to play, like, the theme from Casino Royale and shit like that, you know, and Tijuana Taxi and some cool. Some cool Herb Alpert stuff.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Herb Alpert?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And all I was doing is just playing these scales. But for the big recital, we're going to do Sweet Caroline. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a swinging song. Now, finally I'm gonna get to stretch my legs out a little here and swing with this trumpet. And the only part that you do with the trumpet in that song is you go, dun, dun. And it's like. Like, if you just isolated my trumpet part, you have no. All you know is the guy's going bump, bump every 20 seconds or so.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It was always fun getting rid of the song. Spit valve. Getting rid of the spit with the set spot.

[Bald Brian]

The weirdest thing in the world.

[Chuck Zito]

What is that?

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you what. There is no spit valve etiquette. And it's. It's insane to me. Trumpet player. Like, obviously, if you're in someone's home and you just went, you know, on the floor, the people are like, what the fuck are you doing? Get the fuck out of here. Go outside. Go to the bathroom or something. Spit valve. You just be playing. My dad used to play the trumpet, and I had see him with his, you know, buddies playing. One guy would be on the piano, the other guy would be on the stand up bass, 70s, you know, burnt orange shag carpet. My dad playing. Just clear out, spit out. It was like right on the floor. It was. It was like somebody shot a snot rocket just like on your carpet. Like, what are you gonna do? It's like, well, how about you get a little spittoon or something to go

[Jake Steinfeld]

stick it in your music. Okay, you got the trumpet. There you go.

[Bald Brian]

It'd be like if you. Yeah. You just decided, hey, I'm done with this tampon. There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I've done that.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, no, that's what I'm saying, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't not. I have not, Allison.

[Bald Brian]

But the other day, only on tile, never on carpet.

[Allison Rosen]

I was in traffic for, like, two hours, and I Thought, oh, I'm gonna have an accident. And I. I considered, could I change? Could I fix this problem in the car?

[Jake Steinfeld]

But you didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, okay.

[Jake Steinfeld]

So you were just making that up.

[Bald Brian]

But I did.

[Allison Rosen]

This is. I stopped caring what I say on this show anymore. I did pull into my garage and. Because basically the problem is when you stand up, you're fine as long as you're sitting. When you stand up, gravity makes you its bitch. So I took. I think, thankfully I had a lot of paper towel in my car. Or not a lot, actually, just enough. So I pulled in my garage and I thought, I hope no one can see me. I took all the paper towel and I stuffed it in my underwear. And then I waddled my bathroom.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. I gotta tell you, I would make a horrible woman. Because just, like, just being a dude shaving twice a week, huge hassle for me. Like, I look at this every time I have to shave. Like, ugh, the humanity. This is such a bomb. If I got my period, I'd be a fucking mess. And God knows I'm moody enough. I mean, who knows what I would have done on that plane with that goat cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

Cramps are no fun. Oh, yeah, you would have thrown it.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

And when you got poked.

[Bald Brian]

Thrown it. I would have kicked open door and grabbed.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Poked. And goat cheese pizza. I literally flew with a guy who. Now what do you do? I'll ask you a question, very honestly. A guy sits next to you and he takes his shoes off, Right?

[Bald Brian]

So a lot of that.

[Jake Steinfeld]

He takes his shoes, but he's not wearing socks.

[Bald Brian]

Right? A lot of that. All right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Do you say something to the guy?

[Bald Brian]

No. If I smell his feet, do you smell him?

[Jake Steinfeld]

There was something happening. I'm just saying there was something happening. And the dude, he's got, like a suit on, but he wasn't wearing socks.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's the look.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And he.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, again, we are.

[Jake Steinfeld]

What do you say?

[Bald Brian]

Listen, we. Every day has become casual Friday in this country. Like, lots of guys just walking around, flipping their shoes off. I've seen walking barefoot, you know, through the. Like when you're in that security line at the airport, now, you're walking barefoot just down the carpet. And it's like, how comfortable can you people be with your own shit, you know? I mean, last second, I see guys traveling.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I just think there's got to be something that someone could say. Maybe the studist comes by because I was trying to flag, because I didn't want to start. You know what I Mean, a little.

[Bald Brian]

Listen, there should be. Unfortunately. See, we used to just have decorum, and that was its own law. And at this point, we need. You know. You know how they have a. They have the Bill of rights or whatever for the flyers. Now they're. Whatever it is now. You know, if you're sitting on the. On the tarmac for more than three hours, you remember that whole debacle a few years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

They have to let you off.

[Bald Brian]

They have to let you. Blah, blah, blah, blah. They. We need one for fellow flyers in terms of, like, apparel. Like, you can be barefoot, but the shoes got to stay on. You want to kick off your low first.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You're in a bathroom, and I think the same guy straight up.

[Bald Brian]

Up.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I went into the bathroom. You talked about the line of the bathroom. First class of people are coming through.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And I went into the bathroom and there's toilet paper still on the seat. Now there wasn't.

[Bald Brian]

Now I just say I do like the guy. I love the guy.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That there wasn't a dumpadilly in there.

[Bald Brian]

Right. There was toilet paper. What do you call it? That's chick hearns.

[Jake Steinfeld]

A dump. A dilly.

[Bald Brian]

Mustard's off the hot dog. We gotta dump it dilly in there.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I'm sitting there trying. With my feet and my elbows trying to get the paper. It's a.

[Bald Brian]

It's the funniest thing to me is when they're out of the ass gaskets there. So somebody makes their own decoupage toilet seat liner. And then it's like, all right, fantastic. You've protected your own anus. Your hero. But you have to leave behind your handiwork.

[Jake Steinfeld]

What do you do?

[Bald Brian]

How do you. What kind of fucking narcissist can be. Like, first off, isn't it weird and embarrassing?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe they think you'll appreciate it.

[Bald Brian]

Something. Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

What, are you gonna sit on it now, too?

[Bald Brian]

No, I collect it. I make pinatas in my spare time. And I use all this paper. I save tons and flush the shit down the toilet. Asshole. Even every once while you see the ass liner left on there where it's like, really?

[Jake Steinfeld]

Or it's halfway in the toilet.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And the other half is out.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

And then you. And then you sitting. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna have to hit the guy.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Or grab him or do something. Because. Because I don't know what to do at that point. You know,

[Bald Brian]

we need to start over with this nation and start telling kids, first off, we need to get rid of all these fucking kids and stop telling them they're the future and they're the one. And look, just like the advertising. Look, you can't advertise cigarettes on tv. They're bad for kids, so they don't advertise cigarettes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

What about Coca Cola? What about our friend Mr. Bloomberg in the UK?

[Bald Brian]

Don't advertise I. All these commercials for like Reebok saying this is your world, we're just living in it and shit. That should all be banned too, because it's ruined. I'd rather kids smoke than think this is their world. And we're living in it because you owning the fucking world. Whether it's the Under Armour commercial or the Reebok commercial and a Pepsi commercial, it's your world. That's why we have shit fucking laying on a seat. Because if you're the only person on the in the world, why the fuck should then you own every toilet. There's no other asses but my own royal ass.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, while we're talking about dumpadillies, I have a question, and this is something I encountered in the bathroom at Irvine Improv. How does shit get stuck to the underside of the seat?

[Bald Brian]

I saw that too. I saw that too.

[Allison Rosen]

I walked in after you were in there and I knew it couldn't have been you.

[Bald Brian]

No, wait, wait, no, like under the seat set up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the thing that you guys lift up.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Jake Steinfeld]

On the bottom.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. It seems to defy. Well, ask Neil Armstrong because he knows how shit gets to the underside of the seat in a zero gravity environment. I will tell you this. Got a lot of force. I will tell you this.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It must be a bouncing off the water. What happens is dump a dilly. It's an explosive deal that bounces off the water and literally when it comes

[Bald Brian]

out with that kind of force. Force?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I just threw it in my mouth.

[Bald Brian]

Well, like, listen, listen. That Ryder truck that blew up the federal building in Oklahoma City, they found like the rear end of that thing like five counties over, you know what I mean? When something explodes with a dump, a dilly explodes with that kind of force, it can go. They'll find parts and trees, you know what I'm saying?

[Jake Steinfeld]

It's gonna be how long to get.

[Bald Brian]

Alice in the last I saw the same shit on the toilet seat. I flipped it open and I was like, well, somebody. But I can't blame that person because they don't know what they did, right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Because they just left. Except they did. I mean, that. That is a big explosion I am

[Bald Brian]

never gonna get tired of this.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the thing. That could have been a comedian's dumpadilly. A famous one.

[Jake Steinfeld]

A famous dump.

[Dave Damashek]

A dilly.

[Allison Rosen]

It probably was.

[Bald Brian]

No, that. Yeah, that was geechee, guys. Dumpadilly. And that thing's gonna be worth something on ebay. Yeah. Or Jake Johansson it. Jake. Speaking of Jake. Now look, I got Evoice here.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Okay, let's.

[Bald Brian]

You want to. You want to try to get that

[Jake Steinfeld]

this is just cold, so.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I know, but. But you know, I want you to make it your own.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah. Great E voice.

[Bald Brian]

Hey.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Another great feature is call recording.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, this is new.

[Jake Steinfeld]

No, really, it's a. It's a new deal. And all you got to do is just press Star two. Press Star two. Which maybe before maybe was something different.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Today we're pressing number two. I like Duffadilly. Right.

[Bald Brian]

Somebody's talking business. You record it. There's a bunch of particulars.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's right. So just Star two to record any incoming or outgoing call. That's easy. Don't remember ingoing Star two. Outgoing Star two.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Okay. Even for the chuckleheads at home.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It's easy. Then save and store. You can store it on your computer. As simple as that. Plus toll free numbers, call forwarding, hold music and voicemail to text.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Jake Steinfeld]

For your free 6 month trial, go to www.free 6 months for free only on your show. Because I've been on other shows and they charge, there's a small fee. But for your free six month trial, go to www.evoice.com Apple.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Simple.

[Bald Brian]

I'm gonna do that.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Or go click the evoice mana on www.adamcorola.com evoice. Your mobile phone at work.

[Bald Brian]

Jake, you're such a pro.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta say, Adam, I thought you were good, but. He's good.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, no, no, he's a pro. I mean, you know, for. I'm a rank amateur and listen, I'm fine. I can hold my own and doing live reads, but I don't.

[Jake Steinfeld]

You know, that was great. That was fun.

[Bald Brian]

Runner up in Mr. California in 1978. So the.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So Cal. Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Southern Cal. But this is.

[Bald Brian]

This is awesome.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Right? This is really. I gotta tell you, you know, like, you travel and I've been traveling and. And doing. Because the book just came out. Take a shot. So you do all the talk shows and all radio stuff and this was a blast.

[Bald Brian]

I'm glad you had a good time.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This was a blast. Now I had to drive to Glendale.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Jake Steinfeld]

To do this deal.

[Bald Brian]

But, oh, you're back to your old haunts, man. You started off in the Valley.

[Jake Steinfeld]

The Valley.

[Bald Brian]

And now you're back in the valley.

[Jake Steinfeld]

99 degrees.

[Bald Brian]

I know. And by the way, it's 5:30 at night. It's 90, which is under 3 during the day.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This is a great setup you got here, buddy.

[Bald Brian]

Thanks, buddy.

[Jake Steinfeld]

No, serious, it's a great setup.

[Bald Brian]

God love you. Jake Steinfeld, everybody. Take a shot. The name of the book Allison want to punch out of the news just to make it official?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Bald Brian]

That was the news with Jason Rosenberg. All right, take a shot. Name of the book again, you can grab it on Amazon. And when you do click through AdamCarroll.com, hit the banner, show a little love. So until next time, it's Adam Carolla with Jake Steinfeld, Allison Rosen and Bol Brian saying mahalo.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Go back to college.

[Bald Brian]

O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and all the knowledge you need. And if you can't figure it out, they can't figure it out. Well, they will help you find someone who can figure it out. It's always my first call. By the way, O'Reilly, if I can't figure something out. Ahead to O'Reilly, they have thousands of parts in stock and they can test your battery for free. Need wipers, brake lights, quick fix, engine light on. They're gonna help you out. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and they're friendly. Like, they held the door for me last time I was there and they didn't know who I was. They just said, here comes a customer. Professional parts people at O'Reilly, well, they're a one stop shop, DIY stuff. You do it yourself. And you can check them out online or you can go down there in person. Either way, they're the best. They're O'Reilly, right, Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. If I'm lying, I'm dying. This is the mindset free. This is the mindset free. This is with movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls and Gladiator. Why are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now pay never all

[Jake Steinfeld]

right, this is Adam Kroll of Show 898 with Jake Steinfeld. Dumpadilly something that's still used by cast members of this episode to this very day and also probably done by cast members to this very day. All right, coming up next, we have Adam Cole, show 926. Chuck Zito, Dave Damshek, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop. 2012.

[Bald Brian]

Good day, allison rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, adam carolla.

[Bald Brian]

Good day, bald brian. Oh, shit.

[Dave Damashek]

No one really brings it home.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, shit. Listen, this is why he gets nominated for Tonys every year, people. Oh, shit. Ringtone. Oh, yeah, you're doing a ringtone, baby. We are doing a ringtone. The great Dave Damoshek has just stepped into the studio. I was gonna talk about a few things, but I want to talk. Allison. We're gonna kill a little time for Damoshek. Was stuck in traffic. Just rolled in. Good. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, everyone. And listen, my apologies, one for being late tonight.

[Bald Brian]

What games with the traffic everywhere?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I know that this is a thing that I've heard about since I was lucid as a child, but LA traffic, by my. At least since I've been here, it is apocalyptically atrocious. Everywhere you go, all of a sudden,

[Bald Brian]

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. The mayor, the city council, they're on this. They've heard your pleas and they have a little something called click it or ticket. And that is going to straighten this whole mess out. If they could just remind those people that were averaging four and a half miles an hour from here to Orange county to buckle up. By the way, the buckling up part will be moot when once our average speed is under a walking speed, then it'll just be moot. Right. It's ironic. We'll be looking at the same clicking ticket sign as we slowly crawl under it for, you know, it'll be a quarter mile.

[Adam Carolla]

But I do think, you know, what message does resonate with me in the PSA is with the. The motorbike. Yeah. The carpool lane thing is like, you know, you know, don't get in the carpool lane if you're solo. Cuz if you get pulled over and have to get a ticket for that, that'll be pretty embarrassing. If you put. Cuz apparently people put dummies in the seat next to them. They're like, that'll be embarrassing. And I. That hits. That hits home for me. I always think about getting in there, like, yeah, if I have to explain that to a cop and I have an inflated girl next to me, that'll be humiliating.

[Bald Brian]

Worse. Worse bent down. You know what I mean? It's the inflated girl they don't see. That's the embarrassing one. That would be weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Or an inflatable sheep that has a little something that you can insert yourself into. You've all seen those.

[Bald Brian]

You got one of those as a gag. When you're rich and you do the man show, you get nothing but gag gifts. And the gag gift is not only potentially embarrassing, but it really serves no master. There's nobody you can drop it off to. It's like, ah, this is great. I'm taking it down to the Goodwill so some unemployable guys with learning disabilities can fuck inflatable sheep. I had, if you want to know. And obviously LA not interested in solving its traffic woes, as Dave would say, because if they were, they would act like it. Instead of slow down and sobriety checkpoint and buzz driving is drunk driving. Which I always say, if buzz driving is drunk driving, then sober driving is buzz driving. Then we're all. We're all felons at this point. Everyone gets kicked up one. If I go from buzz to drunk, then anyone who's sober's got to go to Buzz. You suck it up a notch on the booze ladder.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you get to be sober then? You can't.

[Bald Brian]

You have to either be dead or not born yet and. Or stillborn. So we were driving home. This is the worst. The worst is when it's on a Sunday, you know, because there used to be. All right, we'll plan our trips around. Well, don't go to San Diego on Friday. Go to San Diego on Saturday when there's no traffic. Used to be weekends, no traffic. But Sunday, Sunday morning was the time you could just make time. You could get anywhere. And we were driving home from LAX and we were going down the 110. This is Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier and Mike lynch and Mike August and myself. And we got back, and we're going down the 110, going through downtown. And I said, I do the game. We always do. Which is, let's see if we can find the car that's worth less than $600. Cause that stretch on the 110 going by the Coliseum in USC, those are cars you've not seen since high school that have bailing wire holding the hood down and duct tape in a coat hanger for an antenna. And it's like you see some monumental piles of shit. You have to realize if you're driving down around the Palisades, it's just all brand new Priuses. And if you see something old, it's a Duesenberg. But when you go down 110 at that time, you're gonna see some choice machinery.

[Allison Rosen]

Some of them are burned out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And fucked out. And so we're looking for the biggest pieces of shit ever. And then I was just looking around and once, you know, when you go on the road, you don't realize how normal the rest of the country is. And then you come back here and I said, well, everyone, I was just looking at all the fucking graffiti everywhere and all the crazy guys in their gardening trucks. And I was like, well, welcome to Tijuana, everybody. It's nice to be back in Tijuana. I love me some Tijuana. And we were going down the 110 and everyone, they're scared to laugh because they don't agree with my politics, but they know I'm right. So we're going down the 1:10 and it's Sunday. It's 10:30 in the morning and the exchange to get on the 101 and drive me home is backed up all the way through and all the way around. And I say, goddamn, what is wrong? It's Sunday morning and we can't turn off the 110 onto the 101 and go to my house on a Sunday morning. It's just backed all the way out. So I say, porcelain punisher, just push it through. We'll take the 110, we'll go around to the 5. We'll come around the other side and we'll get off on Fourth Lawn Drive. I say, you got to be careful when you get off on 4 Salon Drive because there's always cops underneath that bridge over there. And they're busting everyone who rolls through the stop sign. And I've seen a million people get tickets going through there because that's the way I drive home from the podcast studio. Well, we on a Sunday morning go. Pulling off, we get to the off ramp, leaving the five onto the. Oh, actually leaving the. Was it the 170 at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

We're on the 134.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, the 134 turns to the 170. Yeah, the 134. We get off on Forest Lawn. We stop, there's a car in front of us that stops at a stoplight and we're accosted by Mexicans selling flowers. Like, they run, they get around the car and these guys were rodeo clown esque, like, wearing the shants and you know, Robin Williams suspenders. And they all. They cluster around the car in front of us. And then they cluster around our car. And Matt waves them off with one flap of his ass cheek. Just sends them all. Just like a superhero move where they hold their hand out and that shock wave sends them all flying backwards. Fart taser through brick walls. Yeah. El Diablo, El Gasso. He sends them a shot and they all back off. But then they all surround the car in front of. Of us and the car in front of us. This guy is in a place that I've never been at when I'm driving somewhere, which is. Maybe I do need flowers. Oh. Maybe I don't. I'm not sure. I can't figure out. It's like, flowers. Hmm. Let me really examine this notion. Like, look, either you're waving the guy off, like, nah, nah, buzz off. Or you're going, ugh. What do you got, 10 bucks? Here you go. But this guy was in an in between. He was in, like a chin scratching mode. I might use some flowers. I want them. I don't need them. I don't know if that's gonna make a difference in the price. And these guys were, like, having a little confab in front of us. And first off, I turned to everyone, I said, not Mexico yet, huh? Not Mexico enough for you? What do you want to live in a pinata? You think? When, when, when we're all fucking encased in a giant pinata, just wrestling with a razzle up our ass? What point do we declare this is too much Mexico for us? Look, that place called Tijuana, it's a piece of shit. It's a piece of shit. And there's a reason why they flow this way and we don't flow that way. They flow this way because they live in a pile of shit where people get their heads put into duffel bags and cops ride wheelies on cop bikes down the street? I was gonna say, I've spent a lot of time in Tijuana. That's exactly what it's like.

[Allison Rosen]

I've seen Breaking Bad. That is what it's like.

[Bald Brian]

I've been in Tijuana a million times. It's a lawless piece of shit. And that's why you go there, because. Because it's lawless. When you're 16, you can go to strip clubs and drink and do all the stuff we used to do and sleep on the beach, but it's a piece of shit. And la. If we would have taken a little snapshot where we were and said, where are we? You'd go with Tijuana, wouldn't you? There were at least five or six salesmen around our car. Salesmen?

[Adam Carolla]

Salespeople, Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like the idea of the car being surrounded at all.

[Bald Brian]

It's weird.

[Allison Rosen]

That makes me nervous.

[Bald Brian]

And these guys were.

[Dave Damashek]

It's like a Lakers game.

[Bald Brian]

These guys were. Were aggressive. They were aggressive. Sort of like the movie Birds. You've seen that one before?

[Allison Rosen]

I have.

[Adam Carolla]

Very, very reminiscent of that. You know what has gotten the way of the dodo bird, though, are the guys wiping your windshield. Yeah, I haven't seen one of those in forever.

[Bald Brian]

The hobos went, you know what? Fuck it, let's just panhandle. Why are we burning calories? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So wait, did the guy buy flowers?

[Bald Brian]

No, because then Matt laid on the horn. And not cause he wanted to, but because I'd been telling him how to drive for the last 26 miles. Him.

[Dave Damashek]

That was no horn.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really? Wow. Weird. Because it didn't seem to come from the front of the car. More the bowels of the car. I've been practicing. Yeah. So Matt. Matt, who I was. You know, Matt does that thing where it's like when I drive with someone and they're doing that merge and they're sort of neither fish nor foul with it. Like, they don't slow down and they don't speed up. They just stay in the middle of the merge. I go, come on, get it, hit it, get it, get on it. Because I hate when people do stuff like they're going uphill and they're changing lanes and they're slowing down. It's like you're not help endangering everyone behind you who's flying past you.

[Allison Rosen]

Shit or get off the pot.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Uh. Oh, sorry. Supposed to play the sound. So, yes. That was my little slice of LA for everybody and Matt, really. How long I made my we're turning into Tijuana proclamation. How long did it take before we're surrounded by crazy Mexicans selling flowers? Within eight minutes at the absolute most. Thank you. Thank you. Everyone. Listen to me, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't take it is the point.

[Bald Brian]

It makes me cry.

[Adam Carolla]

So I apologize for being late and I apologize for not showing at all last week. But I understand that you. You tracked down the very capable rich, or as I would prefer he call himself, Dick Eisen.

[Bald Brian]

Dick Eisenho.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want to congratulate you, Ace. You know, a belated get out of shame free card. Get out a jerk free card for that.

[Jake Steinfeld]

For.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, listen, for years You've been talking about the upright thing. And then you see the actual. That Sunday night game, two game two weekends ago is settled because the football sailed up over the upright. If EA would have had the Corolla method in place 20ft higher, that game would have gotten the way of the Patriot. So in a way, though, you would

[Bald Brian]

rather the Patriots lose, 5ft higher would settle 90% of the problem, at least get you that much closer. But still, every. Every, every day, it's the exact same thing. Of course, I see Bill Simmons at the Feast of San Gennaro on Thursday night, and I do the ace. How about that ball right over the. And I say, yeah, they gotta extend it. No, they gotta box it off. Put it across the. That's my idea. I'm stinking thief. I don't care what Danvshek says. I take whatever I like from him. And he's gonna like it. He's a nobody. I'm everything. I said that's the way they should do it is the bottom. But I say to everybody, when they say they do a laser, and then people break the laser. And I keep. But if you break the laser, you don't know if it would go in or go out. It just would hit the layer. Well, take the laser. And I always go box it. And I always go. Or we could just extend the thin wall steel pipe another five feet. You know, it's all we need to do.

[Dave Damashek]

I was happy for it. Insultingly, right behind the goal posts is the net. Net, that is to protect the ball, people from the ball or save the balls or whatever. The net goes up forever. It goes up almost a third of the way higher than. It's like it's sitting there tantalizing, insulting

[Allison Rosen]

me because I know the ball's gonna go super high.

[Dave Damashek]

We can do this.

[Bald Brian]

It's a very good example of what people always talk about, like, sort of we were just complaining about the city, but it's like, they're geniuses. Yeah, well, you were. They're geniuses with the parking meters. That never ends. But when it comes to synchronizing the signals, they become retarded. Started monkeys at this point, right? So are you smart or are you not smart? Which is that thing goes up because they want to save those balls. It's 60 bucks a pop or whatever. And they know if that thing was down low, would go over the top and they wouldn't get them back from the drunken Giants fans. So that goes up. But the poll does not go up. And they've Raised the poll once. It used to be lower back in the old days. They raised it once and now it's just time to raise it again. I don't know why, but I thought drunken Giants fan, Maybe we can YouTube this. The greatest, I would say maybe the greatest fan catch of all time, I think. Was a Giants fan.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was a Bears fan. And as a matter of fact, I was at that game Monday night game against the packers in Soldier Field. Yeah. Round about 95. A fan jumps out of his section. Young people don't, probably don't remember that. Jumps out of his section because the ball was going to go up the, you know, the entryway to the tunnel thing. Yeah. He jumps off of the thing and falls probably legitimately 25ft, catches the ball and holds onto it and goes to the ground.

[Bald Brian]

It'd be like you just jumping up off the sidewalk 20ft and it could have been 18ft, but it's still a long. I mean, it's a long fall from that tunnel and it's sort of. It goes up at an angle. So if you're high at the very top, you're going to fall the first this. But he just jumped up, hit him in the chest, pulled it in and then went all the way down to the ground.

[Dave Damashek]

He jumped from his seat and he

[Allison Rosen]

should have been recruited.

[Dave Damashek]

Fell 20ft. He caught the ball and made a kicked ball.

[Bald Brian]

I think he. Yeah, I think we can watch it now.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think he suffered any injury either. Meantime, San Antonio Holmes is untouched. He hurts his foot. He flings the football into the sky

[Bald Brian]

as it goes up the tunnel from the right side of the screen. Go to AdamCarolla.com and take a much

[Dave Damashek]

more impressive from the BL shot.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he appears to be at least 10ft off the ground, if not more.

[Jake Steinfeld]

This is a.

[Bald Brian]

Don't try this.

[Adam Carolla]

No, don't try 10ft double.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Watch this.

[Bald Brian]

There he goes off into space. He catches the ball. Wow.

[Dave Damashek]

Do you think this doesn't get showed because they don't want to encourage this kind of behavior?

[Bald Brian]

I don't know. But this man is a hero. And I got to tell you, if I was a coach in the NFL, I would have this on my computer and then I would call guys in. You know Chad Ochocinka? Yeah, yeah. We're letting you go. Let me show you something. First I'm going to show you dropping this five yard hitch which would have moved the chains. And now I'm going to show you a white guy who's drunk let's show you what he does with the football in the night air. Here you go. That's right. Pulled it in, landed on the concrete. No tape. By the way, this guy, no posse. Doesn't even have rims on his Denali. But look at him. Pulled it right into the chest. Now that's the kind of guy I want in my ball club.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 1995. He does have a. Yeah, we got the guy.

[Bald Brian]

What's your name? Michael Van Tassette.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at the ponytail.

[Dave Damashek]

That's not a ponytail, dude. That's a mullet. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I played defense, offense. I got great hands.

[Chuck Zito]

I played football my whole life.

[Bald Brian]

I love it, baby. You got a little football history too. Oh, yeah. Let's go back to the game. I'd love to catch up to this guy. First off, over, under 425 pounds over

[Adam Carolla]

normal sized guy in 1995. Yeah, that's right.

[Bald Brian]

Also still has the ponytail, but no hair on the front. You know, just still insist on the ponytail.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an idea for you, Ace. Why don't you have your crap staff track these people down and you anoint them because they're not honored by society in the 21st century. But Adam Carolla's heroes. You know, CNN does its version of heroes.

[Bald Brian]

Find the baseball player threw the potato down over the first or the third base line instead of, instead of the baseball, and then tag the guy out when he came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Do. Do all these. Track down your heroes.

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you who's a hero of mine. Vista print. Oh, well, vistaprint.com. would you listen to this? I swear to God. Business cards. Business cards. 250 premium cards. $10. Did you hear that?

[Adam Carolla]

My jaw. I'm picking it up off the floor.

[Bald Brian]

I was talking about these guys yesterday. I said, that's like under a buck a card. And Brian was like, he thought it was less.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I think he might be right. It might be less.

[Bald Brian]

Well, whatever, 75 cents a card or even less than that. I don't know. Let's see. 10 into 250. I don't have a pen, but the

[Dave Damashek]

point is that is a $25 a card.

[Bald Brian]

$26. I have $28 a card. Anyway, 250 premium cards for 10 bucks. I never stop screaming about how angry I am that now that I'm literally a millionaire, everything is free.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you even know 250 people? Think, think how many times you can give out your card.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, my God. Oh. There's no excuse not to have a business card now. 250 cards for 10 bucks. Plus they got. They'll do postcards for you, they'll do signs, they'll do brochures, they'll do T shirts. Hope they do coffee mugs, invitations, you know, signs.

[Adam Carolla]

We need a sign for the big Adam Carolla show tailgate party coming up at some point this season.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we gotta work that out.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna put that on my Calendar.

[Bald Brian]

Go to Vistaprint.com Vistaprint.com Type in Ace. That's how you get the deal. You get in the upper right hand corner and you get the 250 business cards for just 10 bucks plus free shipping. Absolutely amazing. All right, Dave Damaschek, let's do some sports.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Hit it, Bald.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. It's time for Dave Dameshek's Number One Sports. Number one sports.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Dave Teach this segment brought to you by mangrate. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America. 100%. Look, grilling in your backyard is delicious. This just in. Mangrate does it the best. Click the mangrate banner on AdamCarolla.com for a great deal. Back on the blitz.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on. I am so. I'm rip. Shit at him and Tom Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Bald Brian]

Because I was watching the highlights, and I don't know what. First off, no one. If you and I did the highlights, every third package, you'd be going, are you nuts? You're not looking. You know, what, are you, blind? You don't see what's going on. Like, they never get on each other's whatever. And if you watch. You watch the game, you watch the packers game last week, and Aaron Rodgers got poked in the eye down around the goal line, and he had to sit out one play. So they go and they put in their backup, their backup quarterback, and all he's got to do is hand it off. And now he's like, all he's got to do is hand it off. But he trips on his own feet, he stumbles, and he can't get the ball handed off. And now I don't know. Who are they playing? Chicago Saints. Saints got the ball and they just keep showing it, and they keep saying it like, oh, it's just a handoff, Tommy. I don't know what's happening. Hey. And it's like, tommy, can you get any simpler than this? And Tom's like, it's a handoff. How can you get any simpler than that? And you see the play and. And the guard and center got blown up and stepped back and stepped on his foot. So the guy was going. I felt really bad because he's the backup quarterback, he never gets any snaps. And their whole thing is you put him in for one play, you tell him to hand it off. He can't even do that. He can't even get that play right. And I'm yelling at the TV set the third time the show. You don't see the 300 pound dudes whose feet are going backward and kicking his. And he, they stepped on his foot and he did that reach out thing that quarterbacks do when the center gets blown out up. And that's why there was a fumble.

[Allison Rosen]

But there should be a setting on your sports channel where you press a button and like a little atom or a little damage check pops up in the corner and yells and tells you what's really going on.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

No jive. Really there should be. I'll take myself out of it. But Carolla and the fellas, Hench and the gang, you know, Sal, everybody. This is a much more satisfying viewing experience for the average fan then these guys who can't get. It's all cliches. All it is is a bunch of not, you know, un, you know, irrational and unimportant sort of in the National Football League. That won't work in this league. A lot of talk about in this league, right?

[Bald Brian]

What are you talking off to play in the gray ball? Yeah, they're the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

Instead you should hire Adam Carolla and company to come over to your house

[Bald Brian]

and watch the game with screaming at the set. I felt bad for the poor guy. Handing the book. Tommy can get any easier than that? Well, it's just handing off the ball. It's easiest playing football. Well, if you can't do that, you know, it's like he's getting stepped on the whole time.

[Jake Steinfeld]

That's a good look.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not going to make it long in this league, young man. Yeah. So I'm back from my travels. Well, I'm in between my travels. Two Mondays ago I was at that Monday night game, the Apocalypse, the one that changed everything. Little exaggerated. I know I'm late to the party with this opinion here on this show. The worst call ever. Was it really this hailing of the regular referees as though the regular referees never made a bad call themselves. Suddenly this standing ovation for these guys. Philosophically, it is wrong to applaud. Like we talked about the last time I was in here. Who wants to be a referee? What kind of human being has that impulse? And you're Giving these people standing ovations and the hugs and the embraces and you talk about self. Serious commentators. Exactly. Why was this? Did it catch on? The notion that, hey, the National Football League players are in danger. They're in danger.

[Bald Brian]

What's gonna happen?

[Allison Rosen]

It is like the children's book, Ms. Nelson is Missing, where the teacher misses school and there's a substitute, and then everyone realizes how much they like the real teacher.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, the playmaker went into that in pretty good detail on the Rich Eisen Show. I mean, I'm gonna crap on your point. I'm not saying you took it from Michael Irvin stuff, but he did use that exact parallel.

[Allison Rosen]

It was parallel thinking, okay?

[Bald Brian]

It was out there.

[Allison Rosen]

It's obvious.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not saying you consciously ripped it off. I'm saying you see them and. Yeah, yeah, that's Michael Irvin.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he. Where does he rank in the hierarchy, Allison, for you, among wide receivers?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, totally. At the top.

[Bald Brian]

Top five.

[Allison Rosen]

Top five. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in agreement with you. So anyway, and then I. And then this weekend I was in Tampa Bay, sweltering heat. Unbelievable. The thing you realize is when you go around the country to these different stadiums, first of all, NFL fans travel like you can't believe. I mean, no matter where I've been, the visiting crowd is always 10,000, 15,000. The other thing is, like you said, when you leave LA, you see regular people, LA is this will stun you? Most people in this country are more overweight than they are in la.

[Bald Brian]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

See, a lot of people who've let themselves go.

[Bald Brian]

We were walking through the Philly Airport at 6am on Sunday and Mike and I got behind a couple of chicks with just a huge caboose kind of thing. Like, see, chicks just packed into these pants, especially when they have to wear a uniform. And thus there's no such thing as wearing a skirt. You have to wear the blue TSA pants and they make them in an xxx ouch. You know, but they, but they, they just packed like that's it. And. Cause I'm sure these women wear like around the house. They just take a shot sheet, put their head through it, you know, not even fit in. Just a huge moo moo with like a lamp cord for belt or something. But now they have to wear. And I said to Mike when we were walking, and you guys should all think about this too. Remember when you were a kid and not even a kid, but just, you know, junior high, high school or something like that, and you were in a mall or an airport or any public space, you know, supermarket, anything like that. And there was a woman who's like walking in front of you with a huge wide ass. You'd elbow your buddy. Look at that. Look at that big one.

[Jake Steinfeld]

Whoo.

[Bald Brian]

God, look at that. Get it? And if your buddy was like around the corner getting something, you'd get him over here. You got to see this huge ass on this one. Like, now it's ubiquitous.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you elbow them. If you see a small ass, right,

[Bald Brian]

you look to your right and there's big ass. And you're like, you're just looking at, God, that chick. And then you look over there and she's big. And then you look straight ahead and there's another one. And then you realize, realize these are 24 year old women. This is not. I've had seven kids and I'm divorced and I bury myself in Haagen Dazs. This is. No, I'm 23. This is what I look like. I don't think that they've given up. I think that once everyone around you was your size, the shaming part is taken. Look what happened to Hawaii. You know what I'm saying? Once everyone around you is massive and you get massive, no one ever says to you, man, look at this guy's calves. They're huge. No, everyone's calves are huge. You know, I realized this chick works with five other chicks that are that big or bigger. And thus it ain't no big whoop, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like people always say, are the women. Are they all tens out there? No, my. What I would say is, is that whatever the woman is in her, she is the best possible version of herself in la. Is that a fair point, Allison?

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

So what you're saying is not everyone is beautiful out here, but everyone is, like, groomed to the hills.

[Bald Brian]

But they.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody is the best if you're. If you're.

[Allison Rosen]

There's definitely much more attention on how people put themselves together and keep themselves.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you just think like orthodontia, you know, like. Like your dentistry. Everyone's teeth are as white and as straight as they can be. Their things are plucked and preened. They're preening, you know, they're. They're running. I mean, you'll see those women all the time that are. You can see just sort of God dealt them a good solid pair of twos kind of hand. But they are tanned, they're lean, their teeth are white and straight. They have the right frames, they're dressed smart, they're doing Two hours of sweat Pilates every day and it's like this person looks as good as they can possibly look.

[Allison Rosen]

Horrible personality.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, but wow, all the work goes into the table and the spray on tan.

[Adam Carolla]

But yes, as you travel around this great country, you realize you talk about traveling concerns quite a bit. But boy, oh boy, the flight stuff brings out the worst in human beings. The worst thing is when you're on a flight and I could maybe save this for creep of the week. But the worst thing is where's the sports? When you get up, when you get up to get off the flight and the person, the guy in the row behind you, I mean this is as old as flight. It's your row goes and then the row behind you goes. But that guy who has to inch ahead of you.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, for one, you're gonna get off

[Adam Carolla]

the thing, you're gonna get off of this 0.3 seconds more quickly by pushing yourself ahead. Oh, I just, I want to throw a shoe at all those people. I want to beat them down with my shoe.

[Bald Brian]

All right, back to sports. I hear it now.

[Adam Carolla]

Dodgers as we speak are.

[Dave Damashek]

What do you mean back?

[Bald Brian]

By the way, I learned from watching Bush dodge that shoe. That's an inside insult.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's not the compliment you might have thought it was.

[Bald Brian]

I have to explain, like in his country, when a shoe is thrown at another man's head who's wearing a three piece suit and conducting a press conference, it's a form of insult. Thank you, news person. Where's my steno pad?

[Adam Carolla]

Excellent slate of NFL games coming up. Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady, AKA the Broncos and the Patriots coming up. And that's a daytime game. Surprised that didn't get stolen away by prime time time. Also, Keystone State battle, the Philadelphia Eagles at the Pittsburgh Steelers. Reeling it one and two in. Must need of a victory. We'll see if they can pull that one out.

[Bald Brian]

I think they're going to get that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Now Dodgers are the only team currently outside the playoffs that still has a chance of getting in. If they've lost by the time you're listening to this, then they're out of the playoffs. However, if they lose and the Red Legs win today, then tonight, then, then they still have one more shot at it.

[Bald Brian]

We'll see what happens. Somebody asked me, what about the hockey lockout? And I said, huh, hockey lockout? I went, It's 111 degrees outside. I can't think about fucking hockey.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is asking you about the hockey lockout?

[Bald Brian]

I was doing a interview with a Guy in Montreal. Not Montreal. Where in the hell. Winnipeg. Winnipeg, Canada. Because they work hockey. In every conversation, if a doctor said your wife has been diagnosed with a tumor, they'd say, say, hockey puck shaped or what's the shape? Is it hockey or is it more stick or goalie face mask?

[Dave Damashek]

Like, I mean, that's everything's a hockey referee. It would be hockey puck shaped if they melted the hockey puck and molded it down into the shape of a

[Bald Brian]

ball so it could be made of a hockey. Like a hockey puck.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, I understand. So that's. They did. And I said, oh, I don't know. Who gives a shit about hockey? I'm in la. And he said, your team won the championship, won the Stanley Cup. What do you. And I was like, like, oh, no one gives a shit here. And he's like, what?

[Allison Rosen]

Hockey Monthly. So it was weird.

[Bald Brian]

I said, we don't even speak English here. Forget about being into hockey. No one's into hockey. Have you had anyone? We won the Stanley Cup. Now they're having a lockout.

[Adam Carolla]

There were four days where people were buzzing about it.

[Bald Brian]

Has anyone said a word about the lockout for the team that just won the Stanley Cup? Welcome to la, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the fact. How about the fact is. Forget about that. The Kings are here. There are two teams there. There's in Anaheim, there's a second team. It's the most ridiculous thing in the world that that team is in Anaheim. Move them to Canada. I say. Now, let me tell you, tell you this, ace. One other game of note for you in particular. I told you your St. Louis Rams were going to be good this year. Sure enough, they're 2 and 2. Could be 3 and 1. Had they gotten that? Had they survived that game in Detroit.

[Bald Brian]

As it is, though, playing good, they went into the pre event. What are you. What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, they're two and two now in A division and they're playing the undefeated Arizona Cardinals in the Dome in St. Louis. Soon enough, your Rams will be returning to LA. I say maybe in 2013, if not, maybe the year after that. Either way, get on board this one. This is a good one for you to get excited about. They're a good team. Lastly, a quick list for you. I love one of my, you know. You know how I love the uniforms, is the uniform monitor. But also I like it. As a close cousin to it, I'm fascinated by the mascots. What you name your team. I don't mean the guy who puts on the silly head. I. The mean what you're the lions and what that means and how that. How you embody that as a team. I started thinking about the animals that can't be used for one reason or another. Although there are plenty of beasts out there that haven't been touched. Apes can't be the apes. For obvious reasons. I wouldn't go over in 21st century America. Rats can't be a rat.

[Bald Brian]

No root for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Worms, tapeworms especially.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, all pubic lice, things like that. It's too bad.

[Adam Carolla]

No giraffes. Like a basketball team could be the giraffes. But that somehow wouldn't be intimidating.

[Bald Brian]

It's not imposing. I don't know why I think of Toys R Us. Yeah, Jeffrey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's too cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Cheetahs. You think fast. Oh, but it sounds like cheaters. Can't do it. Cougars ruined by old ladies.

[Bald Brian]

Right? Wasps.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasps are so loathsome. There are plenty of. You know, I don't want to tangle with a lot of different creatures out there. But wasps, they contribute nothing. They do nothing to the kingdom that is made up of all animals. We all hate them so much. So you couldn't be the wasps because no one could root for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Well. And it would sound like you all trained on a yacht.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's another good reason. Side note, Damoshek never bitten by a wasp.

[Bald Brian]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Never felt the sting of a wasp. But I know I don't want to. I find them very ugly. They scare me.

[Allison Rosen]

Hurts more than they think it would.

[Bald Brian]

They have yellow jackets, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they have yellow jackets. They have bees. They have hornets.

[Bald Brian]

They don't have wasps.

[Adam Carolla]

Piranhas. Vultures.

[Bald Brian]

Piranha would be good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you would think so. Piranha's kind of neat.

[Bald Brian]

That feels very Arena League to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Piranha. Yeah. It doesn't feel.

[Bald Brian]

It's not noble. You're trying too hard. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Weasels couldn't do that. Crabs couldn't do the crabs. I think crabs is bad. The one that goes unused. Rhinos. Why doesn't somebody be the rhinos? That's cool. They got the big spike on their nose.

[Allison Rosen]

Unicorn.

[Chuck Zito]

I'll tell you what.

[Bald Brian]

I believe that Hollywood said, please don't use rhino, because we do our fake football movie. We want to name our team the Rhinos. And you guys have used up all the other stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, you know. You know how, for instance, in the usfl, the defunct pro football league, the. The Pittsburgh team was the Maulers, which was a play on words, because the DeBarto. DeBartolo. Family made their fortune on malls. And so it was M A U L Maulers and. But also it was a. You know, it worked on two levels. Saying.

[Bald Brian]

That's still laughing about that. By the way. If you.

[Adam Carolla]

If you were in la, if you were the Hollywood Rhinos, it works. That works as a plastic surgery thing.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

Sometimes a lot of me clean up after the kids, just picking stuff up.

[Bald Brian]

Couldn't be the.

[Adam Carolla]

Couldn't be the hippos, though. That would. Just that because hippos. What are they but rhinos without the big intimidating spider.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. But people like to point out all the time that they're much more dangerous.

[Dave Damashek]

They kill the most humans every year.

[Bald Brian]

Everyone does that. And they say it with a certain amount of glee. You know how many Africans they kill. That's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell us about the crocodiles again.

[Bald Brian]

That's another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Why isn't anyone the Crocs? Well, some of you are the Gators, I guess we have the Gators.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Also, some are difficult to get into the outfit, you know, like, I know they do a hip version. Like they do a hip version of the Cheetah where they'd stand him up and put sunglasses on him and he'd look like the Cheetos guy trusted Cheetah. Yeah. That's what we'd look like. But alligators, like, to some extent, someone

[Allison Rosen]

in front and someone in back.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Don't lend themselves well to the mascot outfit. I like the one. I like the running of the kielbasa they have over at. I don't know, is that Pittsburgh where they do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it started. No, it's a. The bratwurst's are in Milwaukee and then Pittsburgh has the pierogi races.

[Bald Brian]

And then. Who's the player that punched. Hit him with a baseball bat.

[Adam Carolla]

Randall Simon of the Pirates hit him

[Bald Brian]

with a bat on the head. Another thing Lynette never stops laughing about. Randall, Randall, Randall. She just shakes her head while she's drying the glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

The pierogies are funny. The original. The wieners are funny. I like the presidents in D.C. they do the presidential. I'm trying to think of who the four heads are, but he literally.

[Bald Brian]

It was a Steelers guy. That's what it was. I'm pray it was throwback day. Oh, yeah, it is. He leaned. He leaned over the bat and hit him with a

[Adam Carolla]

hilarious. Yeah, he's not a real person.

[Bald Brian]

Right. All right, let's bring it home, Sheck.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home with the creep of the week.

[Bald Brian]

Creep, creep, creep of the week of

[Adam Carolla]

the week, he or she is the creep of the week. Like I said, tip of the hat to Ace Corolla. He gets. He gets the get out of jerk

[Bald Brian]

free card in my boot next to my derringer.

[Adam Carolla]

He brings up this for eight years. This is one of the three things he always points out when you're watching football. And finally it comes to pass. A game is decided by that, by the lack of the extended upright. So good for you, Ace. This week, though, like I said, I've been traveling a little bit and something I brought up way back in aught six on the old radio show. And I bring it up again because it hasn't been addressed. The man is pushing something on us. Not to you, bald Brian, it doesn't apply to you. But for those of us who have hair, this is. This is relevant.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm listening.

[Bald Brian]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

A few years ago, there's something about 20 years ago, 25 years ago, I. For all I remember, there was shampoo. You know, you had the. You had the shampoo. Everybody in my house used Johnson's baby shampoo. Everybody, you know, the old man, everybody used it.

[Bald Brian]

It was a shampoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Then they start getting into the oily hair, the dry hair and the fancy stuff and whatever. So be it. Good for you, the man, you've created this industry. Then they say, let's push our luck now. Now we need something called conditioner. Think about conditioner. Does anyone need conditioner? But they know that human beings will buy this nonsense. What is conditioner? Does conditioner actually have any value?

[Allison Rosen]

Take back some of the oil you just took out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you just. I just very clearly said that they have oily hair or dry hair.

[Bald Brian]

Hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You don't need conditioning.

[Bald Brian]

Here's what it's like. It's like if your car naturally produced wax and it thus waxed itself.

[Allison Rosen]

Auto stick.

[Bald Brian]

But they said you need this stuff to clean your car. And then when you clean your car, it stripped away all the wax. And then they went, now we have this other product called wax that you have to replace what was on there with. And it's like, yeah, that's the stuff I just paid to strip off the hood of the car. And now I'm putting it back. Yes, it's insane. And I've realized, you know what 90% of this is? 99% of it scent. The stuff that has. First off, it's mostly chicks and dumb dudes, which are, you know, and it's the bottling and the scent. When you see that pantene bottle, and you smell the Pantene, it just seems so much better than the suave stuff. Even though every time they do a report, it's exactly the same. And every time I tell my wife, wife, why spend 14 bucks on that shit when you can just spend 3 bucks on this shit? She'll go, it's better. It works better. And I said, did you not hear what Mr. Stossel just told you and what a clinician just told you? It's exactly the same product. I like the way it smells.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you have to be so formal about John Stossel?

[Bald Brian]

Well, I called him Johnny once, and she didn't like that kind of casualness, especially in a discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so, like you say, most of us, or at least half of the population, catches on to this, to this roost, we're not going to buy your conditioner. The man sell it somewhere else.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But they discover they can't sell it anywhere else. They have. They have boxes, they have warehouses filled with this conditioner going to waste. So they say, well, we got to dump it somehow. So then they come up with the diabolical scheme. About 10 years ago, let's start selling shampoo and conditioner all in one bottle. They start mixing it. Now, I'm outraged. And in hotels, bottles, very often, you find those bottles that are the shampoo and conditioner in one bottle. And I am troubled, I guess, enough that I, you know, I take my stand on certain issues in this world that I now carry with me around the country. When I get in some hotels, just the shampoo, I take it so that I can use that instead of using the man's g. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna play his game. I leave that bottle sitting there for them. So when they come untouched. He didn't wash his hair. Oh, I washed my hair with shampoo.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you. It's like that movie Turk. 182, but with shampoo. Like for Tim Hutton, you know, it's the same thing, really, just with miniature shampoo. Instead of a fallen fireman, I am

[Adam Carolla]

sort of the Rosa Parks of shampoo.

[Bald Brian]

Easily.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

You know who's really the scourge? Vidal Sassoom. Because they had the three. They had shampoo, conditioner, and finishing rinse.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not the stand. We all must gather together and fight this. And global warming and cancer. These are the three things we have to do.

[Bald Brian]

I use a bottle of shampoo every seven years in no conditioner. I rinse myself off.

[Dave Damashek]

Me, too.

[Allison Rosen]

What Kind do you have in your shower?

[Bald Brian]

Do you soap your hair? No, it doesn't matter. It's all the same. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

I just want to know if it's

[Bald Brian]

a separate everything I complain about. First off, I know that lip balm and people tweet me all the time that it actually has something that makes your lips dry. The more lip balm you use, the more you need. The more hand cream you use. Use the more purell you use, the more germs sicker you get. All this stuff just leads. It's not how God or nature intended us. They knew what they were doing. I always say to it this way, if we really needed all this skin stuff, all the cleansing and all the scrubbing and all the lip balm and all the hand creams and all the hair gels, what a cruel joke it would be to everyone who lived before us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Going without all these moisturizers, going without all these cleansers and all this. Do you think nature's that cruel that humanity for the last several million years just did without? Oh, I wish there was some substance I could put upon my hand that would leave it moist as a child's bottom. Alas, none exists. You know, like now. It'd be a cruel joke. No, we have Madison Avenue, we have Johnson and Johnson and possibly a third Johnson. It's that bad. We may have Johnson, Johnson and Johnson and they have a multi. We have no official problems. We only have first world problems. We have people who make way too much money. And now all that extra skin. Think of all those fat people. I mean, there's an extra.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a market for emollient.

[Bald Brian]

There's an extra acre of skin on most chicks walking through the Philly airport. They gotta moisturize.

[Allison Rosen]

You gotta moisturize your gunt, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, ace. But I will say the devil's advocate of that is the thing I find interesting is to think about exactly what you're talking about 200 years ago, 500 years ago, before all that, you know how bad I mean, it does come kind of prove the human compulsion to make sweet love on one another. Because how bad must everyone have stunk? The women wouldn't have been shaving themselves. You would have been making love on. On hairy beasts and their hairs and stenches that you can't even imagine in the 21st century.

[Bald Brian]

I think it's the opposite. I think it's like she smelleth like a wet ass. My boner could cut dice.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that a wet donkey or a wet butt?

[Bald Brian]

I think they call him this donkey. A Shakespearean for donkey. But the point is, I think that musk on a woman made a man excited.

[Adam Carolla]

You think that that was our brain, sort of like a Rubenesque woman.

[Bald Brian]

We've been talked out of it by Johnson, Johnson and Johnson. But we liked Musk on a Woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the part of those apocalyptic movies that they don't cover. Plus how bad everybody starts seeing stinking.

[Bald Brian]

Our pit and sack smell was so overwhelming that nothing could penetrate our force field of sack smell. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Sort of like if you live in a house that smells, you don't realize it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone lived among the smell of balls.

[Bald Brian]

Talc hadn't been invented. And we're sitting on a leather sandal with a leather loincloth all day long. How's your balls gonna smell?

[Adam Carolla]

So that's it. And then also to throw in just the last one. Since the fall schedule's out now or the new show are out, I caught a little bit of this new show, the Neighbors, the premise of which is that there's a regular family that moves into a neighborhood. They're all aliens.

[Bald Brian]

They're the first.

[Adam Carolla]

These are the first humans that they've had to be around. This is. These are the first humans to go into the neighborhood. And yet they've been there for however long. There's no one ever walked in there. No one ever rode a bike into town. Wait a second. Human beings are in our neighborhood? What are we going to do? We're aliens here. They're not even true. Trying.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not even trying.

[Bald Brian]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an outrage. Let me tell you, these bad shows and the conditioner being mixed in with my shampoo.

[Bald Brian]

You're the creep of the week. Taste the blaster. Which blaster is it?

[Adam Carolla]

The Han Solo edition Blaster.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, yeah, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's it.

[Bald Brian]

What was this ship?

[Adam Carolla]

You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why the Millennium Falcon?

[Dave Damashek]

Is it Falcon?

[Adam Carolla]

She's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. She's fast enough for you, old man.

[Bald Brian]

All right, quickly. I got a Corolla sports app. You can download the Corolla sports app on your mobile app and you can do our mobile app and it's available for iPhone and Android. You can make your picks for this weekend's games. I'll make my picks and we'll see who wins. You can earn points toward the grand prize. I know. That's why you should do this. This week's Prize is we're going to give out 20, $25Amazon gift cards and the grand prize travel package for two to Vegas for the super bowl, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good.

[Dave Damashek]

I was there to see it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to get this. I'm all over it.

[Bald Brian]

It's easy. It's easy. And free. Corolla Sports, the mobile app. All right, Dave Damaschek, nice work as per usual. The podcast Dave Damaschek football program. Get it on iTunes, web website, NFL.comsheck S-H E K and you can tweet him at damashack.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Ace and everybody else, what a pleasure. And I can't wait for our tailgate party soon.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, an outro. We don't have anything. Oh, that's it. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

So sing something.

[Bald Brian]

Ball dance. Yeah, come on.

[Allison Rosen]

You should sing it, Dave.

[Bald Brian]

All right. Chuck Zito is in the next room and that's not the kind of guy you'd want it. Keep waiting. Super quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Dan Machek. Danishek. Lemieux hates belichick.

[Bald Brian]

That's good. Stamps.com. stamps.com. You're running a small business. Maybe it's a medium sized. Maybe you want to make your small business into a medium sized one.

[Adam Carolla]

Half a snip.

[Bald Brian]

That's the first half a snip.

[Jake Steinfeld]

I like that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it wasn't that great. Your hours aren't 9 to 5. Man your bids. You can't get down to the post office. It's closed. Trystamps.com youm can buy print official US postage. And like I always say, if it was Hungarian postage, that wouldn't make any sense at all. This is US Postage, baby, for any letter package, and you do it right out of your own computer and then you just hand it to the mailman. There you go. Take a little something for you. Nope, it's not a bottle of scotch. It's important mail and I need you to take it back home.

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently, aliens don't get mail on the show the neighbors because they've never seen a human being before.

[Bald Brian]

My Assistant matt uses stamps.com all the time because we got to send stuff all over the place. There he is. Special offer, no risk. Trial, $110 bonus. Offer includes a digital scale and 55 bucks free postage. This I can't get over. 55 bucks free. Only if you enter Adam. That's right. Go to stamps.com. now click on the microphone and the top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That is stamps.com promo code. Adam. All right. You don't have to spell it that weirdly though. Chuck Zito, Sons of Anarchy. Take a quick break. Be back with Chuck and you next. Yeah. Welcome back. Chuck Zito in studio. Sons of Anarchy, Tuesdays, 10pm on FX. And Chuck's website is chuckzito.com and Twitter or tweet is real chuckzito. Good to see you, Chuck.

[Chuck Zito]

Good to be here. Thank you.

[Bald Brian]

Are you in New York full time or where do you live?

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah, I live in New York, but I've been out here for the last five months shooting Sons of Anarchy and

[Bald Brian]

just got signed to do two Sly Stallone movies.

[Chuck Zito]

One sliced alone movie he wrote called Home Front with Jason Statham and James Franco.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Chuck Zito]

So that's why my new look, I don't have long hair anymore. On my Fu Manchu that I had yesterday.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, you just took it off?

[Chuck Zito]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you feel naked?

[Chuck Zito]

Yes, I do.

[Bald Brian]

His face is cold. 25 years in the Hell's Angels left. Is it hard to leave the Hells Angels? People do it.

[Chuck Zito]

I mean, I've done it without dying. I'm here, right? Yeah, but I quit the club eight years ago just to. Because I was missing the club a lot and if I go out on a movie, I was just giving too much time. So if I couldn't give 100% anymore after 25 years, it was time to quit.

[Bald Brian]

You ever see, I never thought of this question, but what's the penalty for a dude wearing a Hell's angel jacket who's not a Hell's Angel? Angel? Has that ever happened? Because that's got to happen. A dude's like, look, I don't want to be hassled. I'm riding a motorcycle. I'm solo. I'm going to put this Hell's angel jacket on, and that way I can get through this crappy part of town without being hassled. Does that ever happen?

[Chuck Zito]

That happened to me once, actually. I was in the Bronx at a bike shop and a guy came in. I was there with two other Hell's Angels. And the guy came in, said, hey, I just saw one of your brothers from South Carolina riding. South Carolina. Where? Down the street. So we said, there's nobody here from South Carolina.

[Bald Brian]

You would know, right?

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah. They would always call in and let us know that they're in town. Of course they would come to see us.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

So we jumped in the. In a car and we found like 10 guys on a corner standing there with motorcycles. And one guy had a leather jacket underneath his arm. Arm. And one of the guys says to him, he said, let me see that jacket. And with that he hit the guy. And the guy took off. He ran and he's holding this jacket.

[Bald Brian]

Your guy hit the guy?

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah, I'm chasing him because the other two guys were a little out of shape. So I'm the one who wound up chasing this guy. And he ran about a block. All of a sudden he threw the jacket down and faced up and said, hell's Angel, South Carolina on it.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Chuck Zito]

So I grabbed the patch and I started running after him. Then he pulled a knife on me.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. I'm glad I asked this question.

[Chuck Zito]

It was pretty wild.

[Bald Brian]

It was pretty wild.

[Chuck Zito]

It was pretty wild. And he came at me with the knife. So I wrapped his leather jacket around my arm and I just came. I studied martial arts and all. I hit him with a crusty kick that took the knife out of his hand and proceeded to pummel him.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's good.

[Chuck Zito]

And then we found out that

[Jake Steinfeld]

five

[Chuck Zito]

years earlier, a Hell's angel came to visit and he had the patch inside his luggage and his luggage was stolen.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, that's where he got the jacket.

[Chuck Zito]

That's where this guy got the jacket from.

[Bald Brian]

Interesting.

[Chuck Zito]

And we found it five years later and we returned it to the rifle owner.

[Bald Brian]

Where did the Hells angel start out here? On the West Coast?

[Chuck Zito]

No, it started in San Bernardino, March 17, 1948.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, that's West coast enough. 48?

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah. Oh, you said the West Coast. I'm sorry, I thought you said on the East Coast. Yes, it started here.

[Bald Brian]

So the, the. Stop me if I'm wrong, but when the guys came home from World War II. World War II, yes, they were, they were beaked up. They were like. We saw a lot of action. We played with a lot of toys. We did a lot of stuff that made a lot of noise and we got to do what we wanted to do. You know, you had a bunch of 19, 20 year old guys. Just imagine this, this world where you go out and you fly a P51 Mustang and they tell you, well, after you do your bomber escort or drop your bombs or do whatever you do, when you fly back to the base, just go ahead and look for targets of opportunity. Meaning if I'm just flying along my P51 Mustang and I'm just a 23 year old dude and I see a train going down, I'll just open up on the train. Or if I see cows pulling a cart, I'll just decide there might be some ammunition underneath that, that blanket in the back. Of the cart, and I'll just eviscerate this donkey pulling this cart and this old German guy pulling it. They just open up on anything, and then they just go fly back to the base. And there wasn't any, hey, we looked at your cockpit camera film, and you violated this or that. There was nothing. There was none of that. So when these guys got back, especially the Southern California area, they're all beaked up, and they all got into hot rods and motorcycles and drag strips and. And there was all this infrastructure here from doing all this building of aircraft and all that kind of stuff. And they all started working on bikes and hot rods and stuff. And then they just started their own, like, Platoon in a weird way.

[Chuck Zito]

I'll give you a little history. You know who thought of the name Hell's Angels?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Chuck Zito]

Howard Hughes.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, well, he did the movie.

[Chuck Zito]

He did a movie.

[Bald Brian]

He did the movie Hell's Angels.

[Chuck Zito]

He started in 1926, took four years to complete. It started out as a silent film, but then they went to talk about. So in 1930, a movie came out called Hell's Angels, starring Gene Harlow and Ben Lyons. So in World War II, they were taking names for their planes. Panda Bears, the Flying Tigers, Memphis Belle.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

And Captain Ira Baldwin was standing with his flight crew thinking of a name for their fighter plane. So one of the guys says, why don't we take the name Hell's Angels from the movie? The other guy, another flight crew, said, that's the closest to hell we'll ever get. And that's what they chose, was Hell's Angels. That's Howard Hughes movie.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

And after the war, certain servicemen couldn't cope with society. Other guys wanted to keep the camaraderie. Other guys couldn't find jobs, so they started a motorcycle club after their bomber squadron. That's how it started.

[Bald Brian]

How do they franchise, Like. Yeah, I mean, like. I don't know, like Chick Fil A franchises. Like anything franchises.

[Chuck Zito]

Like I said, it started in San Bernardino, March 17, 1948. Then the second charter started in San Francisco in 1954. Then Ralph Sonny Barger started the Oakland Hells Angels.

[Bald Brian]

Right. The guy.

[Chuck Zito]

April 1, 1957, the guy talks to the trachol. Yeah. Because he had. He had cancer. They removed his larynx.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

Years ago.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. I don't know why I know about this guy.

[Chuck Zito]

He was a long time. He's a legend. I mean, you know, it's because of him that I ride a motorcycle. I mean, when I was in. In 1967, when Hell's Angels on Wheels came out with Jack Nicholson and Sonny Barton. I went home and made a mini bike.

[Bald Brian]

So you grow up. You grow up on the. Where do you grow up? What town are you in?

[Chuck Zito]

I was born in the Bronx, moved to Brooklyn, moved to Lower east side, and now I live in Westchester, New Rochelle, which is 20 miles north of Manhattan.

[Bald Brian]

So what are your plans when you're going to high school? Like, what are you thinking about doing?

[Chuck Zito]

I didn't go to high school too many times.

[Bald Brian]

The one day you were there, what did you think about?

[Chuck Zito]

Because I quit in the 10th grade. I wanted to get married at 17.

[Bald Brian]

And. Wow.

[Chuck Zito]

I became a husband and father at 17. And where were you working? I was a few different jobs. I did everything you think of, but I went to school for refrigeration, and I wound up getting a job with finding supermarkets.

[Bald Brian]

Like doing the refrigerators? Yeah, refrigeration. But I was free on replacement coils, things like that.

[Chuck Zito]

I worked in a boatyard. I was a, you know, landscape. I was a roofer. I was every.

[Bald Brian]

So when did the tough guy stuff come in? Like, when did the bodyguarding and that kind of stuff come in?

[Chuck Zito]

Well, I became a Hells angel in 1979. The Hells Angels actually opened the doors to Hollywood for me because there was a guy named Sandy Alexander who was the president of the New York City Hell's Angels, and he was a professional boxer. I met him in a gym. He was also a stuntman in the movie business. So we did a movie in 1979 called Dead Ring with Sharon Meatloaf.

[Bald Brian]

Sharon.

[Allison Rosen]

Sharon.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I thought you said Sharon Meatloaf. I was trying to think of meatloaf. Yeah, yeah, I remember that movie.

[Chuck Zito]

They used 18 Hells Angels for the film. We all wore tuxedos with meat loaf on our back, Right. And I caught the stunt bug, so I started doing stunts with Sandy. And then in 1980, I started my own bodyguard business, and Liza Minnelli was the first one who hired me.

[Bald Brian]

Why did she hire you?

[Chuck Zito]

She hired me to watch her sister, Lorna Luft, who was getting death threats when she was doing a play in Broadway.

[Bald Brian]

Boy, she must have been horrible actress.

[Chuck Zito]

And then, of course, Liza Minnelli hired me after that. And once everybody saw me with Liza because everybody came to see Liza.

[Bald Brian]

Now, did you ever have, you know, I would do the move where I told him, look, that bullet is heading for you. It gets me instead. But I would never do that if it actually would actually happen.

[Chuck Zito]

And that's why you're Client in front of you, right?

[Bald Brian]

Say hey. Well, not always them. Sometimes it's their kid or something like that. But what was the. And I'm looking down here, let's see. Jean Claude Van Damme. It's funny how tough guys need bodyguards more than non tough guys because everyone wants to take a go at the tough guy. That's. That's what happens.

[Chuck Zito]

Basically.

[Bald Brian]

Mickey Rourke, Stallone. But I always get the feeling too that guys stop me if I'm wrong. But I always feel like the guys like Mickey Rourke and Stallone, they want other tough guys to hang out with just because it's kind of a social thing. And sometimes the production will pay for, you know, they'll pay for the gym, they'll pay for the personal trainer and they'll pay for the bodyguard. So they'll get Chuck over there just because they want to hang out with Chuck more than they actually want the protection. That doesn't hurt. But I mean, I mean, it becomes a social thing at a certain point, right?

[Chuck Zito]

One thing with me, not only was I the bodyguard, I trained him also in weightlifting and martial arts and everything. So I wore two hats.

[Bald Brian]

Stars love tough guys, right? Like even more. Like I always said, somebody interviewed me today and they said, everybody wants to be funny, don't they? And I said, yeah. And they said, but no one really is that funny. And I said no. And. But I said, but every comedian who is actually funny secretly wants to be a rock star. And it's funny that all the guys that play tough guys in movies actually want to be the tough guy because that's their fantasy role that they're playing already. And Chuck is that tough guy. So it's a weird thing.

[Allison Rosen]

But the stars fearlessness that appeals.

[Bald Brian]

Guys have a weird testosterone thing. That's. It borders on homoerotic. Even though it never goes there unless you have a couple of beers, in which case all bets are off. But the point is, guys, if a guy said, would you rather hang out with this actor or this writer or this whoever, or light heavyweight champ of the world or the Octagons, Chuck Liddell or something, it's always a tough guy who's going to win with the actor guys every time, especially the tough guy actor. They're just attracted to it. So I could see those guys wanting to hang out with you, even just sort of socially. And then you're training them and doing all that stuff. Was there ever an incident or a situation with those guys where, you know, somebody came at you?

[Chuck Zito]

No, not really. I was training Mickey up In Canada on a movie called Year the Dragon.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Chuck Zito]

The funny part was we, we were running down the street and I was ahead of Mickey and I used to wear this stars and stripes GI and

[Bald Brian]

so you could slide the radar that

[Chuck Zito]

Bill Wallace gave me.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on a second. Superfoot Wallace Superfoot had one of his feet horribly damaged in like Vietnam, like

[Chuck Zito]

stepping his right leg.

[Bald Brian]

His right leg was like from judo. I thought he f. I thought he fucked it up in the military or something. But he was really like a cripple. He felt like a cripple, but he was a kickboxing champion with one bad leg. Superfoot Wallace was because he perfected his front foot or whatever.

[Chuck Zito]

He'd only kick you with his left leg.

[Bald Brian]

But he was a huge champion.

[Chuck Zito]

He was still, I believe, the record for the fastest leg, 74 miles an hour.

[Bald Brian]

And he had this.

[Allison Rosen]

He totally pissed himself there.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's a swine name. But by the way, when your young child is born and you name him Superfoot, you have to expect great things or I don't know, maybe the nickname came later. He's old.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

We're looking at a picture of him.

[Allison Rosen]

He's like cups half full though.

[Chuck Zito]

In his 50s already. See his abs?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Unbelievable.

[Chuck Zito]

Unbelievable. And all he had was hamburgers, greasy hamburgers, French fries and Coca Cola's.

[Bald Brian]

But when you kick the top of a heavy bag for five hours a day, I guess you get a pretty good. Pretty good half. He was great.

[Chuck Zito]

And we just lost the great martial arts in Joe Lewis a couple weeks ago.

[Bald Brian]

Joe Lewis.

[Chuck Zito]

Joe Lewis died. He the former heavyweight kickboxing champion.

[Bald Brian]

I know Randall Texcobb, did some kickboxing. I know Benny the Jet Arquitas. Oh, of course. He used to work out over there at the Jet center with his brother Blinky. His brother in law Blinky. And he had this great accent. He'd go, he'd call your whatever. He'd go, that's your power. You know, Seanless guys was almost Hawaiian with his power. That's a power authority. And then their super scary wife Liz Lilly, who used to like kick you in the belly while you're doing like leg lifts and stuff. Scary. Those kickboxing guys are no joke, but. Sorry. Oh, I just heard about this. Speaking of boxers and heavyweights and stuff like that heavyweight champ or co champ Corey Sanders, which people don't really remember. Corey Sanders, big South African guy. The guy who beat Wladimir Klitschko.

[Chuck Zito]

Klitschko, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

He beat Klitschko at the Staples center. In like, 03, he knocked him out. This guy, he recently was murdered and, like, a robbery, like, took over, like, huddled over his kid and got shot and died. It was this crazy, sad thing, but he was like, a scratch golfer and a heavyweight champ and beat the Klitsch. I mean, nice to have on your record that you beat one of the Klitsch, Knocked one of the Klitschkos out. But now, where were we? Ah, you're hanging out with Mickey. You're running down the street. You're wearing your Chuck super foot. Wallace. Red, white and blue D. We pass

[Chuck Zito]

a bar and people come running out. They run up to me because I thought I was Sylvester Stallone.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Chuck Zito]

They say stuff that. Sloan, is this your bodyguard? To Mickey. Mickey goes to.

[Bald Brian]

That's it.

[Chuck Zito]

I'm not running with you no more. That was a funny story.

[Bald Brian]

Is Mickey nuts or is he just fun? Or nuts and fun.

[Chuck Zito]

I gave Mickey his first Harley Davidson and got him started into the bike world.

[Bald Brian]

I gotta.

[Chuck Zito]

He's a good guy. I mean, we know each other a long time.

[Bald Brian]

Well. But everyone's nice to you, Chuck. Like, he's one of these guys who's nice to you and could be a dick to somebody else.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah, that's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You can't judge it off you. You're no good. Yardstick to measure because you beat everybody up. So everyone's. Of course everyone's friendly to you. Like asking Donald Trump if the doorman is friendly. Yeah, he's friendly to me. You can't go off of that. But do you think he's nutty? Do you think he's nutty with other people?

[Chuck Zito]

He's known to be nutty.

[Bald Brian]

Anybody. Anybody that you ever did the bodyguarding with that you said, no more, or this person's too much or too needy or too weird.

[Chuck Zito]

You got to realize, too, the people I work for, they hire me for certain reasons. And I never smoked. I don't drink. I never took a drug in my life. I don't even smoke the joint. So they know that I don't condone the things some of them do. So they hired me to get them in line. Stop the. That they do. And.

[Bald Brian]

Huh.

[Chuck Zito]

So. And I used to work for Charlie Sheen, so.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, boy.

[Allison Rosen]

What was that like?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

Charlie's. He was a handful of times.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

But. But. But he fired me four times so he would always get me back. And I did the 21 city tour with him.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, just recently.

[Chuck Zito]

A year ago.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that feed is not an option.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah. Torpedo Truth and all right.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

And so that was a trip.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Chuck Zito]

But he started to get in shape. I was training him. We'd run in the morning, and he wanted to get healthy for this new show he was doing.

[Bald Brian]

Anger management or he knew it. Super, super late at night. That's what he calls the morning.

[Dave Damashek]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

The time of night where it gets light out.

[Chuck Zito]

He fired me for the fourth time, and I'm sure he'll fight me for the fifth time.

[Bald Brian]

That'll be nice.

[Chuck Zito]

There we go.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

That's coming out of the Trump.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

When he fires you, why does he do that?

[Chuck Zito]

Because he has people like that following him. That's one of the goddesses that. It was just a gold digger and taking all his money.

[Bald Brian]

What? They seem so sincere.

[Chuck Zito]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Bald Brian]

Well, the reason they fire him is because they probably want to go back into their disease. And Chuck's a bummer at the party. You know what I mean? It'd be like you firing your stepmom. You're trying to fucking do some coke and fuck, and she's standing around with that pussy on. Get her out of here. You know? I mean, Chuck's not going to let that happen on his watch. And so you got to fire him. And then later on, you do too much and you go, I got to straighten up. And then you get Chuck back, and

[Chuck Zito]

they get me back. I'm sure I'll be back for the fifth time.

[Bald Brian]

And then Chuck tells you, Chuck, you know, he's not scared to judge. That's what I like about Chuck.

[Chuck Zito]

That's what I think. Your health means more to me than the paycheck you're paying me.

[Bald Brian]

Right?

[Chuck Zito]

And I wish other people would treat their clients the same way and just keep a tight rein on them. There'd be a lot of people still left here.

[Bald Brian]

But here's the problem. If you're Michael Jackson and you're working his security and you're like, hey, mj, easy with the milk of magnesia there every night, he'd have you shit canned. And so these guys don't want to get canned. So it becomes this thing where they know the truth, but they also know they're going to to get canned. The doctor, there's a whole. But everyone's on the payroll.

[Chuck Zito]

Everybody's on the payroll. Same with Elvis, right? They wanted to get fired. They knew he was doing things to go to sleep, get up, everything. But they just was worried about their paycheck.

[Bald Brian]

When you're in the middle of your disease and you're rich and you have nine yes men and one no man. That no man's hitting the pavement. That's even if he's right.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I don't know about that.

[Bald Brian]

It's like. Wait, hit the. God damn it. Yeah. No, it's like a whistleblower and some, you know, cigarette company in the 50s or something. You're the one who's going to get with.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah. And that's what happened to everybody. You could fire me now, but we're leaving tonight. And things happen like that. I mean, I took decline out of a situation. Sometimes you got to realize that the. The bodyguard is the closest to that person, whether they're married, whether it's a husband or a wife.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

You know, so many things. That's why they hired. Kept hiring me back because I never. If I wrote a book on everybody thing I saw and everybody I worked

[Bald Brian]

for, oh my God, that's gonna be a book one day.

[Chuck Zito]

Well, that'll never happen. It goes to the grave with me. But really, that's why they keep hiring me, because I would keep things to myself.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

You know, see no evil here, no leaves.

[Bald Brian]

Talk shit about.

[Chuck Zito]

That's why they kept hiring me back. A lot of these actors.

[Allison Rosen]

So question for you about someone who had addiction issues. Did you know Johnny Lewis?

[Chuck Zito]

No, I. TMZ was calling me like the. The first day it happened or the first hour. And I said, you know what? He was in the first and second season, I'm in the fifth. I never met the guy, but, oh,

[Bald Brian]

yeah, Sons of AM did release a

[Chuck Zito]

statement saying that he wasn't surprised. So I'm sure the guy had a bunch of issues.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Chuck Zito]

It's just a shame that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. For people that don't know, this is a Sons of Anarchy actor who murdered the landlord.

[Bald Brian]

80 year old lady, then she fell off a roof.

[Chuck Zito]

And that's just a shame that he took someone's life in his destructive path.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, sounds like drugs. And also Kim Coates, who I run into from time to time. Kim's a great guy, super cool guy. Sons of Anarchy. All right. Yes.

[Chuck Zito]

I mean, every one of those guys from Charlie Hunnam to. To Ron Perlman to of course, Katie Seagal, who plays Gemma. And she had some transition from Peggy

[Bald Brian]

from Married With Children.

[Chuck Zito]

She plays a hell of a bitch on the show Kick Ass. And everybody from Kim Coates to Boone Kirk and you know, Mark Boone, she's a Katey Seagal.

[Bald Brian]

Nice woman. Because I used to. When I used to be a carpenter, I used to work on her house. And she was cool with Me, like, she wasn't really. She wasn't bitchy. Yeah, you can always tell. You can tell when someone's bitchy when you work in their house, because they can get real bitchy.

[Chuck Zito]

And you don't touch that. Don't move that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, where you park, you know, if you backed your truck up into their driveway and you were unloading wood and they pulled up at the same time, they'd start screaming at you. But meanwhile, they're living up in the hills. There's no place to park. What are you supposed to do? Park up the street and then carry all the plywood up the street, you know? But she was always cool with me, her husband, Rick Springfield's drummer at the time. Not so cool, but I hear he's gone. All right, should we do.

[Chuck Zito]

She's married to Kurt Sutter.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, she is.

[Chuck Zito]

Who's the creator and writer of Sons of Anarchy.

[Bald Brian]

Take that, drummer from Rick Springfield. I've said many times it wasn't that cool to me.

[Chuck Zito]

So you were a carpenter.

[Bald Brian]

That's what I did.

[Chuck Zito]

Good for you, man.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. That's good.

[Chuck Zito]

So you've seen everything from way down.

[Bald Brian]

I know what it's like to work, just like you remember what it's like to work. And it makes working now more enjoyable. And it doesn't make work seem like work when you really work. I mean, when you used to work for a living, like, work meant hot and hard, and there was a misery index to work. Where I grew up, it didn't even count as work unless you were miserable, you couldn't. And you had to drink out of a hose and sit on a pile of plywood and eat your lunch. All right, should we do a little news? Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison. Real quick, Allison. Legal zoom. You don't know when Chuck is gonna take you down.

[Allison Rosen]

How could you?

[Bald Brian]

It could happen. Well, that's the thing. He sneaks up on you like a thief in the night. You don't. You don't hear him coming. He's like a. Like a ninja. It's like a ninja wears cowboy boots and has a big pinky ring. Like if ninjas had a pinky ring

[Allison Rosen]

or a cowboy boot style, it blinged out. Ninja.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, like a ninja you can see from outer space. That kind of ninja.

[Allison Rosen]

But it still sneaks up on you.

[Bald Brian]

Still sneaks up on you. Well, that's the whole thing. You don't. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Only from outer space can you see it coming.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, he is a ninja after all. Yes, the sneaking up is inherent.

[Bald Brian]

LegalZoom.com wills, powers of attorney, living trusts and more. Or maybe you're starting a business. You want to form an llc, incorporate, register a trademark, patents and more. All done easily by our good friends over at LegalZoom. Plus, if you'd like an attorney to review your document, LegalZoom's got you covered as well, Dawson. Protect your family and your business [e-mail] LegalZoom is not a law firm, but you can use it to find an

[Chuck Zito]

attorney and get self help services at your specific direction.

[Bald Brian]

For more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout legalzoom.com alright, alright. Let's do a little news. You know what it's like from doing Stern. Just look at Allison as Robin.

[Chuck Zito]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

And you know, jump in, Chuck.

[Allison Rosen]

I look a little different. But now in personal news, I have a blemish threatening to take over the southwest quadrant of my face. You might not be able to see it, Adam, but it's there. It's just ready to take over. And now I know that you have some tips on what?

[Bald Brian]

Feelings on blemishes?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I need to know because I also have one up here on like northeast.

[Bald Brian]

First off, I want to say this. What is it? Why was there. How come I've never had a conversation with a parent or any adult about zits? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Conspiracy.

[Bald Brian]

I feel like I am going to sit my kid down and explain to them, look, you're going to get zits in a couple of months. You know, you're 13 years old or whatever it is. Here's how to handle it. Like, here's the best way. I don't know why there was no conversations with anyone back in the day. You didn't talk.

[Allison Rosen]

You had to learn it on the streets. If you even learned it at all.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. You had to go hang out with that tough group, the Oxy 10

[Jake Steinfeld]

and

[Bald Brian]

their poser brothers, the Oxy 5. Remember them?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they were tough groups.

[Allison Rosen]

They've been wiped off the earth. Oxy5, I think.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oxy10 didn't have what it took to hang.

[Bald Brian]

Oxy10 has taken over and they've been peddling that benzoyl peroxide, bringing it in through Mexico. They had a Tunnel collapse, which put them back a little bit, but it's back on the streets to now. Bigger than Thassins.

[Allison Rosen]

You mentioned them, though. The salicylicic acid cartel.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, wow. There's going to be heads and duffel bags. Yeah. I'll tell you a couple things. I remember looking. Let me tell you about zits. I remember looking at a bottle of Oxy 10 when I was like 18 years old. And I said 10% benzoyl peroxide. And then I was looking at some Bondo. And Bondo is what you use to fix car fenders. It's that spackle you put on cars. You know, Chuck, you probably slung a little Bondo in your day.

[Chuck Zito]

I still do.

[Bald Brian]

And I was looking at the Bondo. Bondo's two parts, a resin and a catalyst. And I'm looking at the drying agent for the Bondo, which is like bright orange. And I turn it over and it says 90% benzoyl peroxide. It's a drying agent. So I remember thinking, oh, all this benzoyl peroxide does is dry stuff up real fast. So I took the Bondo dryer. It was orange, so it looked like an Indian one woman. And I, like, put it on my zits when I was 19 and, you know, made a hole in my head. But it was like. It was awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

The zit was gone.

[Bald Brian]

I bet. All right, so here's the deal with zits. First thing, don't squeeze on them and ring on them and agitate them and irritate them. Doesn't work. You can. I'll tell you what you can do. Get heat on them. Like you get like a steam room or take a super hot shower, all that kind of stuff. It like opens up the pores.

[Allison Rosen]

Or just go outside in LA right now.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Just walk to your car and that zit will open up. So you get the pores, you get the hot. You get the wet heat, the steam, and that opens up the pore. And then once you do that, Dr. Drew always winces when I tell people I lance them. You will find that that zit is contained to one pore. That's fucked up. And you'll find that pore. And if you can hit that pore, I don't sterilize the stuff. I'll do the wipe under the arm with the needle, and that's about it. But I don't get it all. It's a word. Yeah. I don't get into all the dunking and the alcohol and all that. You can do it if you Want. I've never had any problems with it. You find the one. You find the epipore, the epicenter of

[Allison Rosen]

the pore, by just kind of pulling the skin apart.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And you just prick it. You just prick right in the middle. And then instead of pushing it together and draining, you pull it and it'll drain that way. And then once it drains, oxy 10, oxy 10 and oxy 10.

[Allison Rosen]

And before oxytocin, the drainage, we're talking about like some clear yellow and blood.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. It's awesome. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't look disgusted, Brian. This is the best part.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I love. Is it? And so the thing you have to do is when you first feel it coming on or see it coming on, don't touch it. It has to cure. It has to steep. It needs a few days of fermenting. You're not going to. Don't start squeezing on it the day you notice it.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Native Americans with beef. Beef jerky. Salting it. That's right.

[Bald Brian]

Like you're making pemmican for the winter. Yeah, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been hitting it with Clearasil, but I don't think it's getting through.

[Bald Brian]

The thing is, give it the Benz, give it the 10% benzoyl peroxide, and don't monkey with it. Just dab it on and don't monkey. If you notice that zit on a Thursday, ain't no monkeying until like Saturday or Sunday. But cancel all your plans, keep dabbing it on and thank God you're a chick, you can wear makeup. Dudes, we can't wear makeup. Right. Check Chuck. And so the problem is you get a zit and you're. Dude, you can't do anything about it. And by the way, there needs to be a class action lawsuit against these zit cream manufacturers that says like, clear formula, except for it looks like seagull shit right on your head. Right? This is white. Yes. It's like if you ordered, you know, I got a car, my wife's car is white. But it's not clear. It's white. It's like Wonder Woman's plane is clear. That Audi is white. And why does it say clear or vanishing formula? And you put it and you go, oh, there's that white dried, flaky shit on your forehead.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think some of that. Right? I think it's. As opposed to the flesh tone, which doesn't match anyone's flesh.

[Bald Brian]

No, get the flesh tone. It's closer to whatever you're blending it in with. Get the Flesh tone, Put it on there, steam it. Three days later, hit it with a pin and call the life.

[Allison Rosen]

I just don't understand why adult acne is a thing and I am dealing with it in two spots on my face.

[Bald Brian]

Wait till you want to throw your hands up to the heavens.

[Allison Rosen]

I sure do.

[Bald Brian]

Wait till you discover your first gray pube and two days later you have a zit and you're like, which is it? God, which is it? Am I old? Am I young? What's going on? I have a gray pube and a zit and what? Another question with the zits is no one tells you. Oh, this zit thing, it's going to hang around for a long time in your life.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's supposed to go away when you finish puberty. Yes, that's what I thought.

[Bald Brian]

I thought soon as the hymen was busted, the zits would be gone. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the ratio of pubes graying to head hair graying? Like, which goes first?

[Bald Brian]

I think the head hair goes first, I'm pretty sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good. Then I've got a wild. I only find a few. I just think of them as blonde hairs that I find. It's weird. I'm going blonde. Anyway, in non personal news, but it's personal for some people around here, LA Council has voted to repeal the pot dispensary ban in an 11, 2 decision. Now, here's the thing, though. It's very confusing for all parties involved because the federal government may crack down. So people who have these pot dispensaries don't know what the hell is going on. And it's like, no one is really presiding over this right now. However, the city was going to crack down on it and now they're not going to because there were a bunch of signatures and there was a referendum. And so now they're like, okay, we're not going to do it, but the federal government may step in.

[Bald Brian]

We should just create a new city called Pot and Gays. Like, look, gays get married and smoke as much weed as you want. Potheads go over there and we can't argue over this anymore. I cannot have another debate over it. I don't want to see another news story. The gay marriage thing has been going on for eight years, 10 years. The pot thing's been going on for 40 years, 50 years. They make it legal, then they make it illegal, then they let out some line, then they reel it back. It's the pot horse is out of the barn, the pot bell has rung, and you can't unring it. It's out there. I don't know what. First off, I want people to be able to grow it in their own backyard. Like, if you own property and you smoke weed, why shouldn't you be able to grow weed?

[Allison Rosen]

If you have the permit for medical marijuana, you are allowed to grow it.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I feel like there should be more pot farmers out there. On one hand, you can't stop it. On the other hand, a lot of these places are dicey and they're getting robbed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Have I told you at the time that I went to a pot dispensary with someone who was getting their card and it was like the doctor, very stoned. His wife who worked there with him was blonde and had fake breasts. It was like they were filming a porno set in a dispensary.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm pretty sure he was either barefoot or wearing Birkenstocks. It was like, yeah, you know, you can't make it up.

[Bald Brian]

The problem with pot that I think is different than booze is pot becomes a way of life. Like it's a lifestyle. It's like being in the Stoned Angels. Like it's your life. Like it's what you do. It's not like the boozers culture. The boozers go. They don't like to advertise. No one likes to advertise that they're an alcoholic and they do their thing where they, you know, by day they're CPA and they're working hard or they're attorney. And then they go home and they get loaded.

[Chuck Zito]

Student.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

But they get podcasting.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. They're done with their podcast. They go home and they have a few belts. But the weed, I'm telling you, you tell me what you would wish upon your child in a worst case scenario. The person. I'll tell you, the two scenarios are both horrible. The person is either a pothead, just fucking loves weed, loves the lifestyle, following fish around the country, seeing everything.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Do this in a reggae.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Never seen without a hacky sack on their Birkenstock. Or surfer, because I'm telling you, surfer is the same thing. Which is, first off, if a swell rolls in, you ain't showing up to work that day. You will not. You will not show up. There's a swell, you're out of there and you get in a minivan and half your time is driving to Mexico and you're traveling the world. You never really can have a job because you're following the swell all over the place and you smoke A ton of weeds. And you never get educated because you started surfing when you're 13 and you're in and out of school all day long. And like I said, whenever there's a swell, you're gone. And your head, your brain's just. Just in that briny, sewagey mix out in the ocean, just getting. There's something in that water, that salt water that just.

[Allison Rosen]

You're always talking about the green.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I agree with you.

[Dave Damashek]

But my couple of my really good buddies are surfers, and they get up super early. They're motivated super early.

[Chuck Zito]

They probably got to work.

[Adam Carolla]

Work.

[Dave Damashek]

And they're in great fucking shape.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I.

[Allison Rosen]

But are they fun to talk to?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, they're actually really smart. But I think your point is more right than it is.

[Bald Brian]

There's a. There's a. There's a different kind of surfer, which is the super successful 40 something. Started my own business. Surfer guy. That guy's just on top. That guy's just a winner. Yeah, but I'm talking about started in junior high and Spicoli all the way. These guys never, like. You literally can ask them at any time, what's the name of the vice president? They have no fucking idea.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the guys I went to high school with.

[Bald Brian]

You name a TV show, they haven't seen it. All they want to do is talk about surfing and the swell and what a guy did in a swell and entering the green room and all and smoking weed. And that's it. That's all they talk about. And they get fucking tons of pussy. They get rewarded with pussy.

[Chuck Zito]

Recently, talking about that pot. I was the rainbow in a rainbow barn Grew around at sunset with at least six friends standing there.

[Bald Brian]

There.

[Chuck Zito]

They started smoking pot, of course, on a smoke. But out of the six, three of them had those. A license to smoke it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

I'm saying, how do you get this? It's like, well, I don't smoke. I never did. I felt like just getting one for the hell of it.

[Allison Rosen]

How did they get them? Did they tell you?

[Chuck Zito]

They said you just go to your doctor and say if you have a hard time sleeping, anything. You're allowed to get one.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Chuck Zito]

So that doesn't give too much.

[Bald Brian]

I don't even know why you need to go to a doctor when any doctor.

[Jake Steinfeld]

It's just this. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Just make it legal.

[Jake Steinfeld]

But it was.

[Chuck Zito]

Out of six people, three of them had a license to buy it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it is. It. It's. It's. And it can be and is like any drug. Like, it's debilitating. Like you're altered and you need it every day and it fucks you up. And people do this stuff all the time where, you know, you go, come on, you're smoking too much weed. You don't know where your keys are, and they're in your hand and they go, that's not because of the weed. And I go, all right, then you're just retarded. Like, say it's because of the weed. Please make an excuse that it's the weed. I like when they defend. No, that's me. I'm a fucking moron. Like, it's not the weed. I'm fucking idiot.

[Allison Rosen]

I've said it before. I just don't understand people who are fully functioning stoners. And they exist, though. Like, I went to a good college and a lot of people there would get stoned and they would write papers and go to class. I'm someone who, when I was stoned, I couldn't even read. I would read the same thing. I just didn't go in.

[Bald Brian]

And by the way, when you're stoned and you have a good zit going, that's bad because you will see it pulsate and then start talking to you. Yeah, yeah. Become an animated character. Chuck Zitto on your forehead screaming at you. Do a push up with Superfoot Wallace. My man's a cripple. He's got a 73 mile an hour crescent kick. Come on now.

[Chuck Zito]

74.

[Bald Brian]

74. See? One upper. I knew it. I don't want any angry mail from the Superfoot Wallace fans calling me.

[Allison Rosen]

The HPV vaccine, a study was done and it turns out that it is safe. Vaccine is safe.

[Bald Brian]

Why we thought it wasn't safe.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there were. There were. You know, there were some people who were.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, they were just being uptight. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

But so it's. It's now approved for ages 9 to 26.

[Bald Brian]

Right. So it's basically the warts. This is something Dr. Drew knew about all the time. It was funny. He'd always talk about it, that the warts. And we'd always argue because he was all into circumcision, you know, And I would always just argue that's because you're cut and your two sons are cut. And so you're making an argument, but who cares, really? I mean, the bigger argument is the people that try to restore their foreskin. Like, those are nut jobs too. But I said, you know, who cares? And he said, you could carry the HPV virus in there, and it becomes a danger. And I was like, oh, please, this is 12, 14 years ago. But it turns out this HPV thing causes. What is it? Cervical cancer?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it causes warts and cervical cancer.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. But now they're thinking that the warts are some sort of stepping stone or something, the cervical cancer. And so now they're saying, get this. Yeah, get immunized against cervical cancer, basically, is what they're saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. The vaccine causes different strains of. Of things. It causes warts, external warts. It causes dysplasia, which is like warts. It's like pre cancer, I think, on your cervix. And then it also causes cervical cancer.

[Bald Brian]

The vaccine causes this. Is that what you said?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Hpv.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you said the vaccine. The vaccine prevents the virus. Oh, the virus. Okay. Right. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's weird getting your nine year old daughter vaccinated for this, but think of it as smallpox and move on with your father.

[Allison Rosen]

It's approved for men and women, actually.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

The thing is that there's this. There has been this pushback. These people who are saying, if you immunize your kids against this, you're encouraging sex is that argument.

[Bald Brian]

I know, but it's the same nutty religious people who always hurt their cause because they make these nutty arguments. Yeah, it's like giving out the condom makes you have sex and all that kind of stuff. But guys can get it too, because Dr. Drew told me once that, well,

[Allison Rosen]

guys get genital warts.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, my cervix has been taken out.

[Allison Rosen]

It can grow back.

[Bald Brian]

I said, I can't feel it. I said to Drew, remember when Drew, were you there when he did the test on my pekorou?

[Dave Damashek]

Actually, I listened to that. I was a listen.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, you're listening to it.

[Dave Damashek]

I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.

[Bald Brian]

He told me that everybody had warts. Everybody. And I said, I don't have warts. And he said, oh, you have warts. Which means he has warts. To me, I hate to inform you, Drew, but when I hear you telling me everyone has warts, that means you got warts.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, did he mean everyone has traces of the virus?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, that's what he meant. And if either have warts and you visibly have warts, or you have warts and you don't know you have warts because it gets spread around that way carrying the man.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Wart mule. And I said, I don't have warts. And he said, oh, yeah, you got the virus. You just don't know it. And I said, I know it and I don't. And he said, yeah, you do. You know. And we called in his doctor, I think it was Dr. Marcel, came in, and on the air, I got my junk out. I bet him 100 bucks, first off. And I did it on the air, which could have been bad because you'd have a guy yelling, you got warts. And then you. And you'd have Dr. Drew celebrating by pumping his fist. And that goes against the Hippocratic oath. But that would be embarrassing for me because most people have warts, don't do it on. They don't announce it on syndicated radio. But I was that confident about my junk. And they turned the lights off. They dump this acetic acid on your pecaroo, which is like white vinegar. And you picture dumping white vinegar on something if you had a little cut on your hand or something, and then they shine a black light on it and it'll turn white. If there's any kind of little lesions or anything at all, that's a sport. Wow. Yeah. Acetic acid and a woods light. Woods light's like a CSL light. So the one. They always find the pentagram jizz on the bedsheet. Yeah, that's what they do. And so they put that stuff on you, and then they shut the lights and put that light on it, and any little mark or anything will show up. And let's move on. No, I passed.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. What was Dr. Drew's reaction?

[Bald Brian]

He was like, going, oh, there could be. Come on now. And I was like, no, let me see that. Yeah, he paid me 100 bucks.

[Allison Rosen]

That's interesting that he's saying that circumcision prevents carrying that, because if I have a boy, I'm sort of in the non circumcising him camp.

[Bald Brian]

You gotta understand, when people make arguments anywhere in this society, they go, yes, you're decreased significantly. And I go, significantly, like what percent significantly? And you go, give me a significant. Is 50%, 25%. You're talking about zero, zero percent. You know what I mean? And they go, no, significantly. And you go, all right, give me the data that says it's significant. And I go, I don't have that in front of me. And by the way, I always say, if it was significant and there was data, you would have it in front of you. You'd go 63%. If it's significant, it drops it less than 1%.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there you go. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip It Cunt.

[Bald Brian]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Chuck, how's your honker doing? Good.

[Chuck Zito]

I'm doing good.

[Bald Brian]

I'll bet.

[Chuck Zito]

You know, you talk about the circumcise and all that. A girl asked me last night, have you circumcised? I says, no, that's just wear and tear.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, if that cock could talk, could you imagine? I'd love to interview. Yeah, let's get your junk on the show, Chuck. We can interview it. I can't wait. All the stories it could tell.

[Chuck Zito]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yep. Fell asleep, felt Mickey Rourke's hand on me once. I fucking slapped it right out of there. Son of a bitch. Chuck Zito, everyone. Sons of Anarchy is the name of the show. Tuesdays, 10:00pm, tonight, 10:00pm that's right. FX. FX. And ChuckZito.com is where you go and you can tweet him. Ealchuckzdo. And oh, quick piece of love. Go to my PC. Let's not forget about them, man. They are good people. Go to my PC, brought to you by Citrix. You can connect your laptop, your iPad, your iPhone, get right to your office, Mac or PC. Balance the work and the personal life. That's what you got to do. That's the balance. Chuck, are you married?

[Chuck Zito]

I was for 30 years.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah, you got married at 17? 16.

[Chuck Zito]

17.

[Bald Brian]

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. Because. Yeah, your wife wouldn't ask you about your foreskin. She would know about that. You can access, edit and save any program, file, or document. File a document, anywhere you want. And it's all done from wherever you are. That's why go to my PC is awesome. You're on the move. They're on the move with you. And you can get to that office, PC or Mac, wherever you want to. To go try it out for free. Free. 45 days free. That's right. Only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit, go to my PC.com, click on the Try it free button. And remember, use the promo code Adam. All right, I want to thank Dave Damaschek for coming in here. I want to tell you guys we're going to be in Indio coming up, doing a live show at the Performing Arts center. That's Thursday, October 25th, with my hero, Graham Parker. Also doing a show in Chicago, Juliet. Juliet, I should say at the Rialto Theater next Friday, the 12th. Me and Dennis Prager in Cleveland and Philly and Redondo beach coming up. So you can just go to AdamCroll.com and check that out. That's gonna happen very soon. And the don't tell Ray party pack. Only a few left. That's the T shirt and the book autographed by me and Ray. It's available through our store. If you like it, me and Dennis Prager in Tampa Dials also out there as we speak. So until next time, Adam Carolla for Dave Damaschek, Chuck Zito, Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan Saiyan. Mahalo. She smelleth like a wet ass. My boner could cut diamonds. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows this way if I'm lying, I'm dying.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the mindset free this is

[Bald Brian]

the mantra free this is the mindset mindset. With movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls and Gladiator, why are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Jake Steinfeld]

If you didn't think you know Chuck, now you know Chuck. If you watch HBO's Oz, the most intimidating guy standing in the background, that does it. For this weekend's parole of classics, make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Bald Brian]

Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. If I'm lying, I'm dying. This is the mindset free this is the mantra free. This is the with movies like Interstellar Dream Girls and Gladiator why you're not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now pay never. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows I swear, if I'm lying, I'm dying this is the mindset free this is the mantra free this is the mindset mindset. With movies like Interstellar Dream Girl and Gladiator, why are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd parents and ghosts Pluto TV is always free Pluto TV stream now pay never.