Jay Leno + David Alan Grier (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show — “Jay Leno + David Alan Grier (Carolla Classics)”

Date: July 24, 2026
Format: Carolla Classics — curated fan-favorite moments and highlights
Main Guests: Jay Leno, David Alan Grier, Howie Mandel, Larry Miller, Alonzo Bodden, Greg Fitzsimmons, Dana Gould, Brad Williams
Hosts: Adam Carolla, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop

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Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” installment delivers a double-feature of Adam Carolla Show highlights:

1. Oscars Watch-Along Special (circa 2015) – Adam, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop bring their signature brand of riff-heavy, unfiltered banter to a live Oscars viewing, sharing brutally honest film reviews and predictions.
2. Road Hard & Comedian Road Stories – In celebration of Adam’s film “Road Hard,” a series of top comics (Jay Leno, David Alan Grier, Howie Mandel, and others) recount their wildest, weirdest, and most disastrous experiences on the road.

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1. Oscars Watch-Along Special: Unfiltered Film Critiques & Industry Rants

(Starts ~01:28)

Theme

A real-time, comedic and unsparing analysis of the Academy Awards night, Oscar-nominated films, Hollywood excess, and the frustrations of creative work in the entertainment industry.

Key Discussion Points

Adam's Weekend at Kevin Costner’s Estate

• Adam details visiting Kevin Costner’s property, describing its “paradise for kids” feel, Costner’s impressive arm while playing catch (“old man, you got a cannon” [03:12]), and the bureaucratic headaches of building a home in California:
  • "Could you at least have permission to build on the land that you’re paying insane taxes on...maybe by the time you were 70 you could enjoy the last few years of your life on your land, in the house that you paid for, staring at the ocean?" — Adam (06:00)
  • The group riffs on government regulations, red tape, and property rights.

Parenting “Breakthroughs”

• Adam describes being overruled by his kids about leaving the cabin early, leading to a rare early bedtime and reflecting on camping’s benefits (“Everyone should go camping once in their life just so they know what it’s like to go to bed at 8:44 in the evening...”) [10:00].

Oscars Prognostications & Film Critiques

• Best Picture Debate:

  • Gina predicts “Boyhood” wins Best Picture, Adam trashes it:
    • "I hated this movie. I was like, when is this piece of shit going to end?” — Adam (15:31)
    • “This movie sucked. Except for the fact that it took 13 years to make.” — Adam (16:08)

• Birdman, The Imitation Game, and More:

  • Adam dislikes “Birdman” (“bunch of great toppings, I wasn’t sure what to put them on...no sizzle” [19:15])
  • Praises “The Imitation Game” and “American Sniper” for straightforward storytelling.
  • Gina defends “Grand Budapest Hotel” (“kind of like a fantasy, like a fairy tale for adults” [21:08]); Brian disagrees.

• J.K. Simmons in "Whiplash"

  • Group unanimously praises Simmons’ performance — but points out supporting vs lead mis-categorization.
  • Adam on coaching intensity: “That’s kind of what it takes to get the best fill in the blank.”
  • Discusses arbitrariness of Oscar categories: “Alan Arkin to do shit to deserve his. Or is it the kind of thing where they're congratulating him and rewarding him for his body of work?” — Adam (30:12)

• In Memoriam Snubs

  • The group criticizes Joan Rivers’ exclusion: "What's the harm? What's an extra four seconds?" — Brian (41:26)

• Hollywood Presentation, Style, and Comedy

  • The hosts discuss the consistent failure of Oscars comedy bits and why musical numbers always work better than humor at these shows:
    • “...And it just goes to show you how difficult comedy is because we have the best and the brightest…” — Adam (53:39)
    • “No one ever fucks up the In Memoriam. You know, that part's good. Moving in.” — Adam (54:13)
  • Extended riff on John Travolta’s hair and chains as “burdensome” (44:25).

• Girls’ and Guys’ Looks: Pop Culture Theory

  • Adam delivers “theory” that super-hot women eventually “turn on their hair” as a rebellion against perfection, likening it to good-looking men growing beards. (47:00+)

• Wrap-up & Final Thoughts

  • No surprises in Oscars wins (“the most predictable Oscars you can remember” — Gina [57:34])
  • Birdman is praised for artistry but everyone agrees it lacked rewatch value: "Birdman...was an amazing piece of art that no one ever needs to see again." — Adam (56:01)

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2. Road Hard & Comedian Road Stories

(Starts ~61:00—Though Road Story clips are interspersed, full segment blossoms after 76:00)

Theme

The sometimes harrowing, often hilarious underbelly of life on the road as an American stand-up comedian, serving as both a tribute and a behind-the-scenes companion to Adam’s film “Road Hard.”

Key Highlights & Stories

Adam’s Road Anecdotes

• Rants about being picked up by comics’ clubs in filthy, “beater” cars (“...run the shit through a fucking car wash or your hose” [64:12])
• Explains fan photo etiquette (“If Sheila says no, just take the fucking picture and get on with our goddamn lives!” [68:29])

Howie Mandel’s “Worst Gig”

[71:56–78:14]

• Howie tells a story of a “private party gig with any price”—turns out to be a bachelor party full of live sex acts. Forced to do prop comedy while the host is receiving oral sex (“You want to make one person laugh, you don’t want two people to come”)
  • “I like to be the headliner. I don't like to be the liner while people are getting head.” — Howie Mandel (77:14)
  • Realizes he was used as a decoy for guys to cover up their attendance from their wives.

Alonzo Bodden’s Hotel Nightmare

[82:51]

• Discovers that hotel staff didn’t change sheets after a crime scene; has to request glass be removed from his bed.

David Alan Grier’s 51-Minute Introduction

[83:57]

• Retired-club-owner insists on introducing DAG — and proceeds to perform 51 minutes himself (“He was taking questions...he started explaining why he painted the room the way it was painted.”)
• DAG is forced to perform at a club so doomed, the entire mall is being boarded up.

Jay Leno’s No-Rider Gigs

[93:01]

• Leno tells of being booked at a club in Maine, refusing a “rider,” only to arrive and discover there isn’t even a microphone on stage.

Brad Williams: Dwarf on the Road

[96:05]

• Multiple misadventures:
  • Waitress crashes her car after drinking; tries to coerce Brad into paying her impound fees and even taking the blame (“Idiot, I’m a freaking midget!”).
  • Receives lap dance at hotel, gets knocked out cold, girl continues grinding on “corpse.”
  • Booted off a tiny plane in Idaho for being “overweight”—the only passenger bounced (“I hope the whole plane careened into a mountain and they all died...”)

Dana Gould: The “Trucker’s Buddy” Porn Library

[103:09]

• Discovers a huge cache of off-the-beaten-path pornography stashed under his hotel mattress. Paranoid about housekeeping, wraps it in a towel and ditches it at the elevator.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Club Burns Down Mid-Set

[106:48]

• Delivers in historic Cobbs Comedy Club; notices smoke, is soon evacuated with audience as the neighboring building burns (“I was here living my dream, burnt to the ground.”)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That’s kind of what it takes to get the best fill in the blank: jazz drummer, gymnast, podcaster.” — Adam Carolla on J.K. Simmons’ “Whiplash” character (26:08)
• “I hated this movie...when is this piece of shit going to end?” — Adam Carolla on “Boyhood” (15:31)
• “You want to make one person laugh. You don’t want two people to come. That’s not a good result for any show.” — Howie Mandel (77:12)
• “He did 51 minutes. I went to the mic and this kid, this 18-year-old kid who hates his dad, I was like, can you give your dad the light?” — David Alan Grier (84:37)
• “No one ever fucks up the In Memoriam. That part’s good.” — Adam Carolla (54:13)
• “Birdman...was an amazing piece of art that no one ever needs to see again.” — Adam Carolla (56:07)
• “I hope they died. I hope the whole plane just careened into a mountain and they all died because I was the only one that got off the goddamn plane.” — Brad Williams (102:29)

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Timestamps By Section

• 01:28 — Oscars Watch-Along begins: Adam, Gina, and Brian set stage, recap Costner experience
• 15:19 — Oscar nominations and “Boyhood” takedown
• 18:27 — Whiplash, best supporting actor talk
• 22:46–27:57 — Oscars opening discussion, host performance, production values
• 41:11–44:50 — In Memoriam, Joan Rivers & Oscars genre-blend rant
• 44:25–46:50 — John Travolta’s hair and Adam’s “burdensome” line
• 47:00–48:50 — Theory: why “hot” people self-sabotage appearances
• 56:01–57:34 — Birdman as the Oscars’ big winner, but not rewatchable
• 61:00 — Road Hard comedian road stories; Adam on “filthy pick-up cars”
• 71:56–78:14 — Howie Mandel’s “bachelor party” gig disaster
• 82:51 — Alonzo Bodden’s “shattered glass in bed” hotel story
• 83:57–86:41 — David Alan Grier’s “marathon intro” and doomed club gigs
• 93:01–94:23 — Jay Leno’s “no mic at the club” story
• 96:05 — Brad Williams’ “waitress car crash / getting booted off a plane” stories
• 103:09 — Dana Gould’s “hotel porn stash” trauma
• 106:48 — Greg Fitzsimmons: the comedy club fire

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Tone & Style

• Language: Uncensored, snappy, riff-driven, sarcastic observations, classic Adam Carolla “everyman” frustration-fuelled monologues, with guests and guest comics bringing concise, narrative-rich storytelling.
• Pacing: Fast, lots of cross-talk and punchy commentary, broken up by longer, self-contained segments from comic guests.

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If You Missed the Episode…

This Carolla Classics episode is must-listen, blending Adam’s unapologetic, sometimes curmudgeonly wisdom with the real, raw, and ridiculous realities of showbiz and stand-up. You’ll get his takes on property rights, Oscar snubs, and artistic merit as well as a parade of jaw-dropping road stories from some of the sharpest comics in the game.

For fans of:

• Behind-the-scenes Hollywood & Oscar lore
• Stand-up comedy’s off-stage reality
• Candid discussions about the price of creative ambition
• Unfiltered takes that blend humor with industry critique

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Listen If You Want...

• A crash course in why bureaucracy, awards shows, and live comedy are never as glamorous as they seem
• Legendary comics spilling their most outlandish, occasionally cringe-inducing road tales
• A curated snapshot of Adam Carolla Show classic content at its funniest, weirdest, and most revealing

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. If you'd like to access the full archives of the Adam Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it Out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Corolla Classics, please email us classicsdamcarolla.com now on to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Corolla show 1517. This one's from 2015. It's Gina Grad and Brian Bishop from Adam Carla's house. They're doing a live Oscars watch along checking in after every big award. It's a really fun episode. It's kind of unlike anything else in the show's history. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix trilogy.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Gina Grad]

That is so effects on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from Adam's house, this is the Adam Carolla show. Tonight, a special Academy Awards viewing party with Gina Grad and bald Brian. And now, future nominee for Road Hard, Adam Carolla. Yeah, thanks for the ass kiss and get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Thanks for tuning in for the special Oscar event. And speaking of road Hard, if you'd like to pre order it, you can get it at itunes. So they tell me. So we had a good viewing of it last Thursday. Good to see you, Gina Grad.

[Gina Grad]

You as well.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Bryan.

[Brian Bishop]

The odds are in my favor.

[Adam Carolla]

We will go through these movies. What we're going to do, since it's illegal for us to play play any of the audio from the actual Academy Awards, we'll watch it, we'll get our impressions, we'll make our notes and then we'll come back and check in periodically. So first we'll watch the opening.

[Brian Bishop]

Doesn't Kimmel run this network? Can't you get around that? You must know somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll we'll put it on pause and then we'll give you our impressions of the opening and then we'll go all the way through. And speaking of Oscars, we just got back from Kevin Costner's house, which was un GD believable. That guy has himself some acreage up around Santa Barbara, Ventura county, and you want to talk about a paradise for kids. I mean, zip lines and trails to the ocean and dirt bikes and soccer balls and a never ending field. I was out there playing catch with Costner, and as I was telling Brian before the show, the guy has a cannon for an arm. 60 year old dude doing that, a little bit of that move where you whip it in with a little. Little extra velocity just to let the young pod douche know.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, he knows this guy's got a podcast and a microphone and he's gonna tell this story.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point, he started drifting back and he kept drifting back and he said, what do you think? How far away you think I am from that cone? That's Dawson Coffin in the background and never smoke kids. And I said, you're 50 to 55 yards away from this cone. There's a couple of cones out there that are selectively set because there's a couple of water mains and things coming up from the ground that a kid would impale themselves on when they're whipping around on their dirt bikes around this sort of never ending field that just looks like a huge park, several acres big. And he stood back and he didn't get a running start. He just took one step and he chucked the ball in the air 55 yards. And it was. It got there. So he did it two times. And I was like, all right, old man, you got a cannon. Later on, we went and had dinner over at his other house. He offered up his cabin, whatever he calls it. It's a. It's a. It's a kind of a mobile. Mobile house that has a deck and stuff built onto it. No great digs, but right at the edge of a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean where he'd like to build his regular house when things turn around and

[Brian Bishop]

start going in his favor, right? Yeah, yeah, things pick up for the old man. But you, good luck, Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he probably brought up the Coastal Commission 55 times. And I was like, brother, you're talking to the right dude. But you do start thinking about it this way. You always have to stop in the middle of these discussions about, well, I'd like to build here, but the city says I need to move back 200 yards. So originally we wanted to build on this bluff. And then it turns out we couldn't. They wouldn't let us build here. So now we decided to pick this alternate space. And it's always, at a certain point, I always just stop and go. On your land, right? On the land that you paid millions of dollars for and that you pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and maybe millions a year in taxes on. And you're a 60 year old dude and you'd love to build your family's dream house on your land, by the way, not tell Eric Garcetti to come build the house for you. You build, you will pay for the

[Brian Bishop]

house, permission to spend a ton of money.

[Adam Carolla]

You will pull the permits, you will cut the checks to the city, you will pay the contractor, and the cement contractor and the pool contractor and the landscape all coming out of your pocket. You're 60 years old. Could you at least have permission to build on the land that you're paying insane taxes on so that, I don't know, maybe by the time you were 70, you could enjoy the last few years of your life on your land, in the house that you paid for? Staring at the ocean.

[Gina Grad]

Did that make him even more indignant or is he like, no, this is why.

[Adam Carolla]

No, nobody. Nobody is nobody. This is. The renters are that way, the people that pay and can't get done what they want to get done are always ripped about it. They're just.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

They're exactly. By the way, they're exactly how anybody, anybody who's living in Santa Monica, driving a double decker Prius bus and working at the Whole Foods, they would be the exact same person. If they spent millions of dollars on a parcel of land against the ocean and were told they couldn't build, that it would turn. It's not, it's not this kind of thing where it's like, well, you know, Costner, super uptight Republican, doesn't believe in. No, no, no. Anybody, right? The most transcends the biggest government person you found. If they shelled out millions of their hard earned dollars to do this, and then we're told by some guy made $46,000 a year. Not so fast, hot shot. We'll get back to you in a few years and tell you where you can put your house, it would be all of us. That's exactly. However, this, this is the myth, by the way. The myth is that we would all not be this way. We absolutely would. And some of us would be much worse. I'm actually, it's insane to me that these guys are as actually calm as they are when they're explaining that I wanted to put an access road in here so that emergency vehicles could get down to the beach, but they wouldn't let me because they said it was Indian ground or whatever. Ironically, I said to him, who's done more for Indians than you? I mean, you just. Just really think about it. I mean, what blue eyed guys done more for Indians in the last 30 years than you? I mean, you know, Marlon Brando sent the guy up to collect the statue, but I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Costner picked up that baton.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Ran with. This is the perfect intro to tonight to Hollywood's glorious night of excess. People wearing million dollar diamonds on. On lend. By the way, they'll be giving them back tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. Blood diamonds. So we had a wonderful time, I must say. Had a nice little breakthrough as a parent. We went to. We hung out all day, drove into town, walked through the general store while people pitched him ideas for movies you don't think about. But when you're Kevin Costner, people literally pitch you. You know, for me, it's like, hey, want to check out the podcast? Or we're where are the juggies? Or where's Dr. Drew? He gets movie ideas pitched to him as he walks through the general store. This one was for a dam that burst that Mulholland made in, like 1941 and killed 53 people. The story's never been told.

[Brian Bishop]

It's Waterworld meets Boulder.

[Gina Grad]

It's high time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Waterworld meets Boulder. Yeah. And meets Chinatown.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And he then stopped and told the guy in the parking lot more about the story than the guy knew because he said he'd already researched it for some God. All I wanted to do was not establish eye contact and get the hell out of there and pray the person recognized me, too.

[Brian Bishop]

This is your breakthrough as a parent you're getting up to.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm getting to my breakthrough as a parent, which is it's a whole day of riding dirt bikes and throwing balls around and having a good time and the kids went on a big long hike with his kids and the Mrs. And all that stuff. And then that night, we went over to his regular house up the street a few hundred yards for dinner. Had more basketball in the backyard with the kids. Yeah. Had a good time. Yeah. Sonny drained the threes here to say and score. He scored the winning, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Scored the winning. Talked about you picking your spots.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So we had a good Time and we had some burgers and looked at a new book he had coming out, blah, blah, blah. And then at some point, about 8:30, been a pretty long day, got back in the car, drove back to the cabin, and I just sort of looked at the clock and went, you know, we could be home in an hour and 15 minutes and we don't have to sleep in the, in the cabin. Do some math. So sad. And then I did the, you know, I missed my tv, you know, and then I was like, your loved ones. I literally hadn't watched TV in over 24 hours. And I'm starting to. The DT shakes, you know, couldn't hold the remote steady. So I said, you know, why sleep in this old cabin when we can just wake up in our beds? And the kids pitched a fit. Like they just started going nuts. The tears started rolling down their face and of course I just threw in the towel at that point. And what a breakthrough. I know you acquiesced, but you know what? Today, Sunday, got up at the crack, went to bed at like 9:15, which is something I've never. I only do it only when you camp. Everyone should go camping once in their life just so they know what it's like to go to bed at literally like 8:44 in the evening because you're done eating at 6, you've made your s' mores at like 7, and you're just looking at the person across from you at like 8:10, going, well, time to turn in. Getting cold. So turned in. Also weird not having a clock. Like you just go to bed at 9:30 and then at some point the sun's up, but you have no idea what time it is. And got up this morning, did some hot laps on the bicycles all the way around the property while Sonny ran behind us. And then later training him. Well, Sonny doesn't ride a bicycle, sadly, yet. Natalia rides a bicycle, but Sonny's a runner. Man, does he run. And Mr. Costner is very impressed by Sonny's ability to run. And later on it was Mama and Sonny against father and son in a two on two football game out in the meadow.

[Gina Grad]

How'd that play out?

[Adam Carolla]

They won 21 14.

[Gina Grad]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Sonny won this winning a touchdown. There's a little confusion with Mama over the three Mississippi concept, which is you don't have to count three Mississippi when it's your ball. She was, she was, she was audibleized by going 1 Mississippi. Okay, 2. And I was explaining.

[Brian Bishop]

So the quick hitch was not in her playbook.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the Mississippi Will be. That's on the defensive side of the ball during the rush, went out and had a nice breakfast. Really quaint little beach town where everyone kind of knows everyone. Really nice to go out and have a breakfast there. Had a little jock strap back into reality, which was nice thing to do on a Sunday is put the big hopper of gourmet coffee outside with the smaller sampler cups and the cream and the stirrers and everything. And the people that are waiting to get a table can enjoy a cup of coffee because for the, for the. For the morning people, we're not exactly junkies with the eggs and the waffles, but it's the coffee that you really want while you're standing around 20 minutes, stand around, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Bearable.

[Adam Carolla]

Got the mini coffee, drank a little, drank a little more. And then when they called us to come inside to sit down, walked in, tried to walk in holding my miniature paper coffee cup. And the guy said, I can't bring that inside. And I sort of laughed, which is, well, it's your coffee and you're providing it for me outside.

[Brian Bishop]

It came from the kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

You brought it from the kitchen outside, you filled up the hopper. And then I filled it up and now I'm walking to my table with it. It's like, can't bring that in. And I said, why not? And he said, already been sued once.

[Gina Grad]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, well, all is right in the universe. For a moment. I just drifted off into some world where people ate breakfast together and nobody sued anybod. It's a nice little town with friendly faces and it was so quaint and everything. And I realized now this guy got sued. He owns a business. He runs that business in California.

[Gina Grad]

He's been sued because somebody spilled a Dixie cup full of coffee on somebody and it burned him.

[Adam Carolla]

He provided a hot beverage with no cap on it or something or no warning or whatever might be. They walked it into the place and they dumped it on somebody else or themselves or whatever it was. But he said he'd already been sued once and. And that was that over coffee. All right. So, yes, great weekend for us. And now we will talk about these movies. We'll watch the opening. Brian, what do you. Predictions first. Gina predictions.

[Brian Bishop]

Gina, what do you think?

[Gina Grad]

Just overall, I think Best Picture, everybody's saying it's going to be boyhood. So I will be very surprised if it isn't. And I think it's. People are just giving a trophy for effort of something going 12 years.

[Adam Carolla]

I said to Brian, first off, I hated this Movie hated it.

[Brian Bishop]

You really did.

[Adam Carolla]

I really hated it. I was like, when is this piece of shit going to end? Number one. Number two, I posed this question. Totally impressive. Like sort of a. Sort of a thing where you went, look, that guy just climbed Mount Wilson. And you went, well, Mount Wilson. What's the big deal? It's, I don't know, 3,000ft tall or something. It's no big deal. Climbing Mount Wilson. He has no legs. And then which case you go, oh, well, now it's impressive.

[Gina Grad]

Quite a feat.

[Adam Carolla]

So this movie is too soon with the feet. This movie sucked. Except for the fact that it took 13 years to make. Is wildly impressive. So my feeling, and I said to Brian, what if you knew this movie was shot in Vancouver, Vancouver over six month period with an actor being used in every different stage. It looked just remarkably the same as the other person. Would it be. Would you love this movie? And I don't think anyone would love this movie.

[Brian Bishop]

A little magical, something taken away from it. The fact that it did take 12 years with the kids and the real actors, even Ethan Hawke and our growing old. I mean, getting older. I mean that was a cool little magical thing. But without it, maybe it's not quite the same movie. Obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. I was bored to death. I just couldn't. It's like, yeah, single bummed out mom. Maybe it reminded me too much of my past. But I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing happened. And maybe that's the point. Nothing was supposed to happen. Even the movie ended. It just ended. There was nothing. There was like this though. We're going camping scene. Nothing.

[Gina Grad]

Credits.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going here. Nothing. We're going there. Nothing. Some decent dialogue, but not Tarantino ask. Like I'm all perfectly fine with Samuel Jackson and John Travolta driving in a car talking about the quarter pounder France. But that's what I want. Yeah, I want some of that. I was happy just hanging and talking and talking.

[Gina Grad]

No memorable dialogue.

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Gina Grad]

My champions, I have spoken. Sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv.

[Adam Carolla]

An inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast.

[Gina Grad]

An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana.

[Adam Carolla]

Pick up fees may apply. I really hated this movie. I just could not watch it. But the movies I did see. The Imitation Game I liked quite a bit. Really good Sniper I liked quite a bit. And all about that. But to Me, I'm much. I'm just much more straightforward. Like just. But, you know, Eastwood shooting people.

[Gina Grad]

But everybody who doesn't think it's going to be Boyhood thinks it's going to be Birdman.

[Adam Carolla]

Birdman was my second least favorite movie. Now, here's what. Here's what. Boyhood had nothing but a weird 13. It took 13 years hook, which for me I didn't care that much about as a viewer because it didn't play into the. Other than the novelty part of it, but it had that. So that's a zero. Birdman had a bunch of really good performances and some really cool cinematography and some really cool sort of ideas that didn't come together as a entertaining film to just a whole bunch of like some sort of buffet with a bunch of really good stuff that at the end wasn't that sad.

[Brian Bishop]

Buffet full of great toppings.

[Adam Carolla]

A bunch of great toppings. But I wasn't sure what to put them on. Like, there was no sizzle.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a lot of steak.

[Gina Grad]

Well, and the other thing the two movies had in common was you always kind of thought they were going to end and they never did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. Well, Boyhood never really did end. It just stopped.

[Gina Grad]

Petered out.

[Adam Carolla]

It just went to black.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I literally was fast forwarding, trying to get to the goddamn end of this thing. And then I was like, it's over. What? And I wanted to hear, did he have to say? And it's like, oh, he didn't say anything. He just stood there and it went to black.

[Brian Bishop]

Boyhood and Birdman are virtual tie. The last. The most recent odds I could find for a best picture. Birdman's slight favorite, but very close.

[Adam Carolla]

Selma I didn't see because I don't support, you know, ethnic films. Smart. And the Grand Budapest Hotel. That one was like, I can't. There's no way I'm gonna be. I know I can't make this one.

[Gina Grad]

So you didn't watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's gonna be a bridge too far for me.

[Brian Bishop]

Smart move.

[Adam Carolla]

But I like the Imitation Game. And like I said, I like is

[Brian Bishop]

the Theory of Everything.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I started. I got about halfway into it, I thought looked really good to me.

[Gina Grad]

I didn't think it was as great as everyone else didn't. I actually loved Grand Budapest Hotel and I had no intention of watching.

[Brian Bishop]

Really.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, why should I sell me on watching it? Because I've. I've seen. I. I don't like the Grand. The. The Tenenbaum, Royal Tenenbaums and the. The Darjeeling well, what I don't like is the artsy, fartsy jack off films.

[Gina Grad]

You're gonna hate this then.

[Howie Mandel]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But hold on a second. I loved Raising Arizona because it was incredibly innovative and it looked really cool and the camera work was really cool, and there was a lot of really great dialogue and stuff like that. So I'm down with something that's really interesting. But this always, I find, like this is everyone put a beret on and pretend we're artists. Is that all right? But I had defend it.

[Gina Grad]

I had no intention of watching it. We just happened to watch it. And I thought it was kind of like a fantasy, like fairy tale for adults, that it was just so larger than life and the characters were so interesting and the colors and the cinematography. It felt like if you're gonna. If you're into fairy tales, but you know you want to see something new. This is a great film.

[Adam Carolla]

But was the dialogue there? Was the story there?

[Gina Grad]

I think the dialogue was incredibly strong, but I know Brian hated it.

[Brian Bishop]

I want. I'm the oppos. You know, I kind of wanted to like it because I did like Royal Tenenbaums and I know Wes Anderson can make a good movie. I love Fantastic Mr. Fox. So, like this. Let's hope this is good. And it just. For me, what you described was big fish. For me, the fairy tale, the big characters, that movie, I love this one.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that movie as well.

[Brian Bishop]

Too much.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we're now going.

[Brian Bishop]

But a lot of the acting Oscars are. They're locked down. I mean, they're huge favorites for supporting actor, Supporting actress. Best actress. Best actor is still kind of up in the air.

[Gina Grad]

Sporting actor.

[Brian Bishop]

Supporting actor is locked down.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

As long as Emma Stone doesn't win, it's extremely unlikely I will kill myself. All right, so what we're going to do now is we're going to watch the opening.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when we come back, we will report on the opening. All right, well, we saw the opening. We saw the Oscar given out for best supporting actor and actress as well. So we'll get into that first opening. Great effects, amazing visual effects. And Doogie's always great. I feel like his. His. I feel like he's fallen off a little in the comedy department this time around. A couple of jokes didn't land, but the. The stuff was amazing.

[Brian Bishop]

The showmanship of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, it's one of those things that's kind of like, I don't know, staring at kittens. I don't think we'll evolve away from staring at kittens.

[Brian Bishop]

There'll always be something pleasant about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids, kids, kids, kids. Grandkids will want to look at kittens, right? And I think we will want to hear song and dance. Guys do a song and dance to open a show. There's something. However much you love him, you just don't really want to see Jon Stewart stand there and roast the front row. Yeah, it's.

[Gina Grad]

Or Oprah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Uma.

[Gina Grad]

Uma. Oprah make everyone uncomfortable, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's not. I mean, because it's. It's. That's not the format.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not in Caroline's. In the basement of Manhattan.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

It's a show. It's a big show. It's the biggest show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So we want the big opening, and even the straight guy wants the big splashy opening. And they've done something. They made a quantum leap with, like the special effects. I mean, I feel like they went big. When Billy Crystal was doing it, they were sliding out pieces of plywood, Right. Painted up and stuff. He was inserting himself into things and it looked fantastic. The Jack Black stuff was fun.

[Brian Bishop]

Gina, I can't speak for Adam, but I am not a huge musical theater fan. I don't know if you are.

[Gina Grad]

I'm. I'm a fairly huge.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, so how did this rank? Because I assumed that people who are into musical theater think this is either fantastic or like, yeah, I've seen better.

[Gina Grad]

No, I thought it was great. And Anna Kendrick is really showing off her chops. She wants to be known as kind of the. The triple threat. And she's cute and everybody seems to like her. And everybody loves Jack Black, so you can't go wrong. I mean, they're beloved now and they love to sing. Everybody loves it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And as long as there's that much going on simultaneously, you'll never go, oh, ho hum. I'm going to go get a beer. Because there's just too much going on

[Brian Bishop]

and the pressure of.

[Gina Grad]

My name is Shannon Maldonado. I'm the founder of Yaoi, a gift shop. From the lens of artists and handmade objects, I chose Shopify because when I was testing other platforms, it was definitely one of the most user friendly. It was important to me to think

[Adam Carolla]

about where we would be in the future.

[Gina Grad]

All of the tools for reading your sales, like planning inventory, they're just right there on your dashboard. For anyone starting a small business, the biggest thing I can tell you, it

[Adam Carolla]

doesn't have to be perfect. Shopify can help you build upon it.

[Gina Grad]

Start your free trial on shopify.com.

[Brian Bishop]

if you rattle off 10 jokes, pre written, whatever jokes rehearsed, and one or two of them fall flat, you didn't do well. Not even remember the battle where if you're doing the singing, the dancing people are going to be at least above average impressed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. Okay, so good opening, but some of the jokes along the way maybe didn't land as well as they could have. But either way, I mean, sort of like the Annie joke, but either way, good opening. And now we get into Best supporting Actor and we all know JK Simmons is gonna win the thing, and he should for Whiplash, which we didn't get into because the way my page was printed out, it was to the left in town and I need alignment. And also to be fair, I think my whole life they did five best, whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And at some point they went to 10.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought the rule was that they could go up to 10. Well, the rule for the first year was 10 nominees. Then it became a little too much, the ninth and the 10th.

[Adam Carolla]

So when I was looking at the five, I thought I was covered. But now it. It's a goddamn free for all. In terms of nominations, I don't know how many or what, but Whiplash I enjoyed quite a bit. Is brutal as you thought that character was. I have said to people that's kind of what it takes to get the best fill in the blank. Jazz drummer, gym. Gymnastics, you know, gymnast, podcaster. You know, my dad. Yeah, he was no different. Speaking of that taskmaster, that was my big problem with J.K. simmons speech. Call your dad. Are you high, old man? The point is this.

[Brian Bishop]

If I had the drop, I drop it now.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he was comically over the top, you know, physically abusive. But I swear to God, most guys who wrestled in the 70s and the 80s, I don't mean pro wrestling, Jim McMahon, I mean at a serious high level, could probably tell you a story or played a sport. Yeah, at some super high level.

[Brian Bishop]

Bobby Knight, famous for throwing chairs, you

[Adam Carolla]

could tell you, everyone who played for Bobby Knight in the 80s could tell you very similar stories where they were pulled out, humiliated, forced to do whatever. And I don't think any of them hate him to this day because of it. I think they would all say it made them better at what it is they had.

[Brian Bishop]

It doesn't seem like those, the Bobby Knights of the world engenders so much love in retrospect. You hate the guy at the time, but afterwards, you know, you Only hear

[Adam Carolla]

great things because you realize the only reason he's doing it is twisted. It is. As twisted as his modality or methodology may be, is he's trying to get the best right. That guy could have been a mediocre jazz drummer. He could have been a great jazz drummer. And JK was going to figure it out. I always get back to it because I forgot that JK was in it as a supporting actor. Because my feeling is, I don't know, let's just do a syllable count or something. That movie was him. Thus he should go into best actor.

[Gina Grad]

Absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

He dominated the movie such that everyone who sees, like, well, he was the lead. He's the lead. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

I think it confused people to see him as a supporting actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, Miles Teller is the

[Brian Bishop]

protagonist of the story. I mean, it's his art. Character art. Going from one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I mean, we got to figure this out, because I think when a guy has a Super bowl ring and he goes, yeah, we won the Super Bowl. You go, I get it. And then when another guy walks in a restaurant, he's got a Super bowl ring from nine years earlier. They're both super bowl champions. Like, we get it. Olympics, whatever. When Alan Arkin shows up with his Best Supporting Actor STR trophy hanging around his neck. Yeah. When it's like, hey, bald guy, you got one, too. What'd you get one for? I said three or four lines, and then I died in a minivan.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck? Do we both have this same statue? We're both in the. At the same level. Alan Arkin had a couple conversations, like in a Motel 6, where he's like, baby, do your own thing. Dance out there. Now I'm going to do some. I'm going to snort some coke in the bathroom. I love you very much. Then he died in a van, and he has the exact same statue that J.K. simmons has for doing something that was a completely different animal.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. But the holders get the super bowl rings and the kickers get the super bowl rings. I mean, you get it for not depending on your level of participation or dominance.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but this. This is not. This is Apple's apple sport. To me, this is an excellence. They both are bald. They both have very thin faces, and they both have a trophy for Best Supporting Actor and Alan Arkin to do shit to deserve his.

[Gina Grad]

Or is it the kind of thing where they're congratulating him and rewarding him for his body of work?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little bit. There's a little bit of that. All right, so then. Sorry, go ahead.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna ask, did anyone else have a problem with the seating chart? Because JK was basically in the lobby on this shitty side seat and with no other stars just kind of like sitting there by himself over way house left.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if you have to sort of earn your way to certain people

[Brian Bishop]

in the background of certain shots.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Because he was really out in no man's land.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing insurance commercials don't help. I think in terms of a very rich man thanks to those commercial getting you. Oh, there's definitely going to be a nice renegotiation. New negotiation.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me talk to my shiny gold bald agent if I'll accept your first offer.

[Adam Carolla]

So then we had best supporting actress as well.

[Brian Bishop]

Another huge favorite one, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So so far the two who should have or who were the odds on favorite one. Arquette. Kind of interesting. God, I remember one day, one night we did Loveline and she pulled up in a maroon Porsche Turbo, like 1998, like all wheel drive Turbo. She's plugging some TV show. She's freshly divorced from Nick Cage. Spending that medium money, I think. And I remember I sort of.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the show, right?

[Gina Grad]

Medium.

[Adam Carolla]

And I walked, I walked. It was probably before that. I think it was before that. And I walked her out to her car just to like at night, just to look at her Porsche because of a huge car fan and she had a hamper filled with dirty clothes in the backseat.

[Gina Grad]

My kind of lady.

[Adam Carolla]

It was the like that was her car. That was her grocery getter. This $122,000 car was just her car. And as I tell people all the time, listen, you can go get a Bentley, you'll go get a Ferrari eventually. About three and a half weeks in, it will just be your car. It'll be the car you drive.

[Gina Grad]

Right? French fries on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that was her all right. She did a, a fair to middling job of being a miserable mother in that miserable movie. And God bless everyone's commitment to time and weight gain. But I still feel like minus that hook, that is a crap movie.

[Gina Grad]

But think of who else was in the category. Emma Stone, Meryl Streep. For something that was, eh, Keira Knightley wasn't even.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean she had a couple of like, I'm gonna confront dad in the

[Brian Bishop]

dressing room without that scene they showed for her clip. That's a nothing performance.

[Gina Grad]

So this wasn't like a real like nail bit. I was like, okay, give it to Patricia.

[Adam Carolla]

But does it, does it kind of I don't know. Does it bother you? And there's no way around it. But again, the sort of purity of sports when a guy has a. A record for long jump and, you know, Bob Beeman said it and whatever, 1964, and they thought it would never be beat, and then somebody beat it. You know what I mean? But you at least, you know the guy who beat it, he won an inch farther than Bob Beam. And God bless him, you know, and maybe you say, oh, he's got better Nikes, but you go, God bless him.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

He.

[Adam Carolla]

He did it. Or, you know, whatever you think about Floyd Mayweather Jr.

He's 50.

And, oh, he's. He's 50. Showed up 50 W's, and he went. It was a big fat goose egg, this. You just think, oh, she won. But Emma Stone, I mean, sure, who was her competition? And I know it can go that way with almost anything, but there's something that seems so goddamn random about this thing.

[Brian Bishop]

They gotta get.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, our cat's like a TV actress I agree with you. Got into a.

[Brian Bishop]

Found herself in a great situation right there.

[Adam Carolla]

There's good finding 50 actresses who could have played that role, and 50 actresses from TV that could have surprised us in that role.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like they got to give the Heisman to somebody. Some years you're gonna remember, some years it's gonna be, yeah, but, but.

[Adam Carolla]

And I. And I grant you that in the Heisman scenario, that guy could be totally, you know, Manziel bust at Cleveland and. And. Or it happens all the time. Tebow, whatever it is. But at least for that season, he was the best in that. Undeniably in that environment. And I can watch two hours of highlight films of Tebow just doing incredible.

[Brian Bishop]

Just flexing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Tebow's out of the league, and Manziel's probably going to be out of the league, but you could see highlight reel of those guys from college going like, oh, my God, right? You don't have that with Emma Stone. You do have that with Tom. Going to live. Reads live from Adam's living room.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't mail it in usestamps.com.

[Adam Carolla]

thank you. Baby. Turns your PC or Mac into a post office that never closes and doesn't smell weird. And you never have to go to. And you never have to look down and go, I wonder how long that tile has been there. You know, when you go into a place like the post office and the tile used to have some sort of pattern or grain to it, it's been

[Brian Bishop]

rubbed off Beaten to the.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bad fake wood grain plastic Mustang steering wheel from the 70s where at 10 and 2 it's just beige. Like the hands just literally wore it off. Now you don't have to do. You don't have to deal with that. It's. We're going to go back, we're going to watch down a little more of the Game film and then we're going to come back and report. So, Gina, favorite film of the year.

[Gina Grad]

I think they're going to go with Boyhood. If I had my druthers, it would be Imitation Game.

[Brian Bishop]

Good choice.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt, you know, there is something. First off, I liked American Sniper a lot. Probably a little more than Imitation Game. Imitation Game was great. And then there's a part of me that thought, well, this happened. So they're just kind of doing it. Same with American Sniper to a certain degree. You, you want to give a little more credit. Like I didn't like Birdman, but give him credit. It never happened. You've never seen it. It didn't happen. No one got a book. Absolutely nobody said, here's a template. Now, now do a very nice job of executing this template.

[Brian Bishop]

Stephen Hawking didn't write the best selling memoir that you can go off of or his wife or whoever.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So in the Imitation Game and whatever, auging also. But also, you know, it really. I really enjoyed the Invitation Game as well. But there's not one big film that's really just jumping out. I like the whiplash a lot too, but it's not one film that's just dominating it in my brain. But there's a couple I didn't like and a couple that I did. But also, you know what I started thinking about? The guy from the Imitation Game killed himself. And he killed himself at a relatively young age. And he was, you know, given hormonal therapy to, you know, basically stop being chemical castration, blah, blah, blah, was a

[Brian Bishop]

chemical castration and neutered him.

[Adam Carolla]

Think. And I was thinking about this, you know, we talk all the time about the plight of the. These people and those people and these. The disadvantage of. How about being gay?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And not only. Well, no, I'm talking to you. I'm with you. My home. No, what I'm saying is, is think about how great by and large the gay population has done and how horrifically they were discriminated against to the point where you couldn't say you were gay. They wouldn't let you in the army, they wouldn't let you work on the jail, be jailed you'd be chemically castrated. I mean, this is England, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

A teacher like you couldn't be like around children.

[Adam Carolla]

This is England in the early 50s. We're not talking about Downton Abbey. Well, no, not, not doubt down. But we're also not talking about the Middle east and all the, you know, crazy Shiite, whatever that that's going on. We're talking about civilization semi recent advanced. Semi recent and what advanced? Well, by the way, everyone has a gay accent. Come on, the band Queen comes from there. Come on. You have a Queen. The point is you have a mascot that your greatest band is called Queen. That's right. And Queen is the mascot of the country. But so think about what the gay population has had to endure and think about where they are now in terms of median income, education level and blah, blah, blah. And then you realize what is the key here? Not shitting out a bunch of kids. Two incomes, two income, no kids.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, until recently there's adoption and eggs and fertilization, all that kind of stuff. But when I always say, look, the cure, the cure to whatever the ill is for whatever culture there is, is

[Gina Grad]

stop it with the kids, stop procreating.

[Adam Carolla]

The gays were discriminated as much as anybody could be discriminated against, but they never had kids, so they have been able to flourish.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

When they heard no kids, I can't do.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, thank you for making my point. Gays now, now more Neil Patrick Harris. Well, it's a great country.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he's obviously doing very well.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we're back once again. Sitting in my living room. The rain is falling down. We've eaten some pizza, we're watching the Oscars, which clearly look like they're going into OT because there's still a few major ones to give out. Brian, impressions, what do you got?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's see. First of all, I thought that there would be for sure, every year there's a snub in the best in the immorium category, which. The category, but the Memoriam feature where you honor the people who passed away. And as Gary pointed out, Joan Rivers was left off. Now you can argue she didn't have much of a film career, but she was in some notable films and she is a very notable person. She had a documentary about her and it seems like a bit of a snub.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like just like Oscar gives that sort of award every once in a while to the 77 year old dude who's been kicking around for a million years, doesn't really deserve it for this particular role. But over his body of work. His body of work. And especially since TV and theatrical stuff and even the computer, like, it's all. Everything's just bleeding into everything now. So there used to be like no way would an A list actor go into a TV series, right? There was no.

[Gina Grad]

Or God forbid, a voiceover.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. There were no Kevin Spacey's who would venture into doing a tv. But now, now all. All bets are off.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's the same. So now it's just kind of about your body of work. How long have you been on the planet? How many people did you make laugh or cry or think or something? And I feel like for that reason Joan should be tossed in and in the future.

[Brian Bishop]

And what's the harm? What's an extra 4 seconds of your

[Adam Carolla]

time in the future when everything is just direct to video and you can find everything on everyone's phone and everything's computer and we can't even tell what was a theatrical release versus a series on Amazon versus whatever. It's all just. Anyone you've heard of who acted, who dies in the future probably beyond here. But I think when you see the cinematographer no one's ever heard of or the actress nobody's ever heard of.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I think it is certain it

[Gina Grad]

would be more satisfying to see Joan Rivers.

[Adam Carolla]

And there. There are many complaints about the Oscars, but it's never that category. People can say, well, the opening was a little long. The monologue could have trimmed a few jokes out of that. Or really, do we need to know? Best foreign short film or whatever it is, or best anime we don't need. Come on, do we need that? But no one. Sound mixing and sound editing In Memoriam was too short like that. That is the one part because we're all ghoulish or sentimental or both, we all just sort of sit back and watch that part. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's because we're sentimental.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so either way we can all agree that toss a face on there and then, yeah, you get a guy. It's because you have Robin Williams this year who's done a ton of TV or was known for TV or got star in TV and then went theatrical. Someone who, as Gary said, had 12 things on our IMDb page that she was not a movie star. But toss her in.

[Gina Grad]

She had a delightful scene with Miss Piggy in Muppets.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, I wrote down a few names before the thing people I thought might get snubbed some luckily didn't They I mentioned, but you didn't get mentioned at all. Who passed away last year was Richard Keel, Jaws from the Bond movies, and of course, Happy Gilmore. I mean, that's a very recognizable movie star. People know who he is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very sad.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he wasn't in there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now the bigger and more important topic, John Travolta's hair and chain.

[Brian Bishop]

He passed away.

[Adam Carolla]

He had, like, Tupac's chain where his bow tie was supposed to be. Not sure. The hair. That guy must travel with a team who travels in a special unit. Yeah, like when the bomb disposal team shows up or the SWAT unit shows up. Like hazardous materials. Like they have their own Winnebago that's been completely outfitted just for his hair. Right?

Yeah.

It's like a black primer color.

[Brian Bishop]

A robot has to handle it.

[Gina Grad]

Something never touched my human hands.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no way. He just walked. I've done award shows. Not the Oscars, but I've done award shows. And when you show up, you can go into the sort of huge room where they're airbrushing on all the makeup and it's a big Calcoll thing or whatever. But Travolta, he's showing up with a team and they're rappelling into the building.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

They're calling in reinforcements.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Do you think the hair was supposed to distract from the bike chain and vice versa?

[Brian Bishop]

I think the bike chain was there to scare you away from the hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But I do like the idea that he's going for it.

[Brian Bishop]

Unapologetic.

[Adam Carolla]

I do expect a note. Not next year. Let's say three to seven years from now. A Bruce Jenner esque move made in the sexuality department.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me tell you something, Gina. You were not here last year for this Oscar special. But, Adam, of all the hilarious jokes you've made, one of the funniest things you've ever said was last year when you were watching and you said, I find John Travolta's sexuality to be burdensome.

[Adam Carolla]

It kept me up at night. I didn't feel like I could hug my son with sincerity thinking it was on my mind.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought he meant burdensome for him. I didn't know he meant for you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, obviously you carry the burden of wondering what it seems. Well, look, we all saw the. The beautiful with the. The homage to Selma and Oprah and all that. Well, I'm not black, but I still find.

[Brian Bishop]

Still felt it.

[Adam Carolla]

I still felt it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait.

[Brian Bishop]

On your soul.

[Adam Carolla]

It weighed on my soul. And I. John Travolta weighs on my soul.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Adam Carolla]

And at some point, he's gonna do something that is just gonna surprise, impress, and be dazzle all of us.

[Brian Bishop]

We can only hope.

[Gina Grad]

Take a walk and clear your head after this. After seeing him step out of the

[Brian Bishop]

batter's box, knock the dirt off your.

[Adam Carolla]

I really do. So that's great. And. But are you with me when you, when you. When you believe that John Travolta is one of the nicest guys in the world and just wants to be loved?

[Brian Bishop]

He seems like a decent fellow. I've never heard bad things about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Just wants to be loved. All right, and now one of the theories. And by the way, six years we're celebrating. Six years of podcasting. If you listen to this show on a Monday, six years because of you. Six years because you've listened and supported our sponsors and told a friend and bookmarked Amazon and done all those things. Six years is why we're able to sit here and I'm able to provide pizza. I know everyone thanked my wife for the pizza, but let's go ahead and thank the guy who paid for the shit. Okay? We're able to sit here because of that, and I thank you. But one of the things that Brian has heard me say many times is when a chicken gets to a certain level of hotness, I don't know where this is going. At some point, she turns on her hair. She does something weird. You've heard me say this a million times now. The chicks that are, like walking around perpetually, like five and a half and sixes, their hair is just the same, just sort of cradle the grave. They want it long, they want it flowing, they want it whatever. They put on a little weight, the hair gets a little bit bigger and a little bit longer. But at some point, the super hot just sort of touched by the hand of God hotties who just have it all, they have to get out the clipper, right? And do the Miley Cyrus buzz cut or whatever it is like, there. You can go back in history and look at it this. Oh, it's like, oh, she was so beautiful. The long flowing. Oh, she went with the pixie. What's with the pixie? Yeah, they go with the. They do it Charlize Theron like it does. Like Charlize Theron with her hair down. Like, you know, sort of mid Areola is like the hottest person on the planet, but at some point had to rock the Pixie, like. And it does not make them Any more attractive.

[Gina Grad]

Do you think it's the same reason that really, really pretty guys do like that scraggly beer just to show me

[Adam Carolla]

doing my beard out? Thank you. I'm glad you broach that I'm doing that because I can. It's either that or dump battery acid on myself. Like, how do I make this vision?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm good. I'm good with the beard scrub.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying. Yeah, there is a reason why the super good looking dudes. Now that's a kind of ironic thing. Like that's them going, look at me. I don't care.

[Brad Williams]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going with the sort of Tom Hanks trapped on an island look. And I'm so good looking. And by the way, you know that thing where they go like. Like I may be fat, but you're dumb and I can lose weight. Like no matter how Brad Pitt lets a big old gray beard grow out of his chin, we all know that he is one trip to the bathroom away from walking out with a towel around him as Brad Pitt as the way we know him. Right? So. And he's. He probably carries scissors with him just in case. Waves it around a bar like Brandon. Just in case anyone is thinking of not sucking my dick. I brought Barbara Shears with me.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Brad Pitt isn't that hot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just swing scissors.

[Gina Grad]

I've come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Just saying. So Scarlett Johansson and actually did the buzz. It wasn't long on top, short on the side. She buzzed the show.

[Gina Grad]

Adam Levine's hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, good call.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think it's the thing is a Natalie Portman doing it for a roll situation or you think this is just her messing with perfection?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

Because I'm down with your theory.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's just gotta mess with theory is they just. Every single hot chick eventually stops dancing with who brung up and that's the hair.

[Gina Grad]

And I think that. I don't think this is for a role. And there's one reason I think that. Did you notice her ears?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

It wasn't just a traditional earrings.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Staring at.

[Brian Bishop]

Staring at Scarlett Johansson's ears.

[Gina Grad]

I noticed it wasn't just a traditional earring. Whatever. She had this like bad punk rock like 18 cuffs. So I think she's going for a very specific look right now that you're not enjoying.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So we still have best picture. We have best actor, best actress, best

[Brian Bishop]

director and the screenplay Awards.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I could get angry.

[Brian Bishop]

They're. They're. They're backloading the show with Big awards.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we will take a break and then we will come back to wrap up with all we have learned right after this. All right, well, it's time to bring this thing home. Final thoughts from the Corolla house here. Molly's wagging her tail. She just ate her food. By the way, something I didn't mention is over at the Costner Ranch. Molly went berserk. Was nice, because did she think she'd gone to heaven? That's where they talk about it, you know, when. To the kids, when the thing goes away to the vet. Oh. He explained that he had. I covered Molly's one working year, but that he had three golden labs and are all buried facing the ocean.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's sweet. Yeah. My first thought was like, I thought, oh, good. And then I thought, oh, wait a minute, how's that work? And then I thought, you should be able to do that. Right. When you own some land, your dog, and you go, you put them down, you say goodbye to him.

[Gina Grad]

There wasn't a zoning law against that that he's not familiar with.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure they're on top of some Indian now. There's going to be trouble. But, yeah, Molly, you know where you're going in on a very long time.

[Gina Grad]

The Costner's house.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, Molly ran through the field. She walked down to the beach, got in the ocean. She. She galloped alongside of us like she really had the time of her life. All right, so Oscars good. Feel like new. I feel like a few of the jokes landed a little short. Not Neil's fault. Could have. Could have selected a few better jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

Either that or abandoned. He's a song and dance guy. He's a theater guy. He had one foot in the song and dance category and one foot in the joke category. And they should have picked a sport.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But at some point in the midway point or the 2/3 point, along with the best, you know, along with the big, splashy musical number in the opening, I want to see a funny montage y thing in the middle.

[Brian Bishop]

It's always fun when they put them in the movies. They put scenes from the movies, whatever

[Adam Carolla]

it is, and it. And it just goes to show you how difficult comedy is because we have the best and the brightest. Like, there's nobody that's not at his disposal. No actor that wouldn't be in the bit, no writer that wouldn't contribute to the bit, no director or luminary that wouldn't participate in the bit. That with all of the best and the brightest and the incredible value we put on comedy that we couldn't squeeze in like a 90 second funny comedy, whatever in the middle of this thing. And even the jokes were fives and sixes.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And the crowd work was underwhelming. I feel like the people he had the best repartee with were the seat fillers. No one else was really playing, playing along for some reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's so weird that in Hollywood with the most talented people on the planet still. And it's an interesting sort of bigger point if you think about it, which is every single award show goes out there and tries to tell a few jokes at the beginning or in the middle or at some point in Act 3 or whatever it is. They rarely land those jokes. And that's like I said, no one ever fucks up the in memoriam. You know, that part's good. Moving in. The music part is always nailed. They always nailed me. I mean, whether you like the song or not, it's always executed very well. And the musical number at the top has done very well. And the homage to the great director, everything's done well. But they can't, they still can't get

[Brian Bishop]

the comments elusive for some reason.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, it's, it's, it's how hard it is.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And, and it's also the only thing that you can't control in advance. So the music, you can rehearse and you know what the outcome is going to be. An in memoriam or whatever that splashy thing or special effects is. But when he pulls the stuff out of the Lucite case and is reading his predictions off, he can't tell in advance if the audience is going to erupt in laughter.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or situation stone silent.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the part that makes comedy weird and scary.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And it's like you think it worked for Carnac, it worked for Johnny Carson, but NPH just wasn't landing it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. The great Karnak, he's clearly a failure. He needs to rethink his own career. I thought he did a great job.

[Brian Bishop]

He did do a great job.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're a little hard on him

[Brian Bishop]

with the, with the comedy. He's a great MC for doing what he does well. He did it better than most anyone could have done.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm not even being hard on him with the comedy. I'm like, he will deliver whatever really kick ass jokes Eddie Gordowski provides for him and he doesn't. I mean, the jokes weren't provided.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'M saying. And that's what these guys, when they find out they're going to host in, you know, last year, somewhere in, I don't know, June or July or whatever it is, when they find out, first thing they do is get their writers together and start working on bits and ideas. And it'd just be fun if there was a cool montage in the middle. All right, so Birdman, as sort of predicted, won everything. Which now, except for Keaton, which now puts even more the onus on Keaton because like, oh, the big winner was Birdman. Oh, except for. Except for you.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. It's an honor to be nominated.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And Birdman everyone agrees with was an amazing piece of art that no one ever needs to see again.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't have a burning desire to see it again.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And the big. Well, okay, the beef with Birdman was too many laps around the same maypole.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

That and for me was the story was told in 20, like the story could have been told in 20 minutes. They spent 90 minutes telling a 20

[Adam Carolla]

minute story and then. And ultimately not exactly sure what it was.

[Gina Grad]

Not a satisfying ending.

[Brian Bishop]

I admired it more than I enjoyed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. So what was Birdman? He was a pot. It was a popular movie. He was opening a show on Broadway, but he had wings coming out of his back and he flew away.

[Gina Grad]

A crazy, washed up character actor trying to resurrect his career on Broadway.

[Brian Bishop]

I think the story, when, when it's written in the ensuing days and months and years will be once again, Hollywood loves to honor movies that are about Hollywood, that are about acting, that are about the creative, the artist, you know what I mean? Those types of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

But the lesson is we can't Shakespeare in Love. We cannot let foreigners come in and do this, do our jobs.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because it gets too crazy and artsy.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Brian Bishop]

I see what you're saying. The ultimate.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The ultimate lesson to be taken from this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We need Clint Eastwood.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

Tell the story.

[Brian Bishop]

Growling at someone. They're probably going to shave 22 minutes off.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy comes in, we see a lot of back sack and we're a little light on story, but we're lousy. And back sack and ass crack. Right. Okay. I'm just saying that's what happens when you open the door.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

People.

[Gina Grad]

Do you feel like this was the most predictable Oscars you can remember? Because it sure did feel predictable.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No big surprise other than Keaton.

[Gina Grad]

But everyone did think it was going to be Eddie Redmayne because.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, he was odds on favorite yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Best actor and best picture were closer than usual, but there were some categories that were just cakewalks. You know, it would have been huge monster upsets if they had not won, right? Maybe a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be upsetting if I did not talk about Arctic Ease. Oh, man, I need this stuff. I'm going to be a little sore. You know, we played our two on two football game.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. Zipping 50 yard passes to Costner just

[Adam Carolla]

trying to catch him.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but actually ice down those hands.

[Adam Carolla]

I did my old man move today where my son was like running for a touchdown and I did that mover. It's like I have to try for three seconds and I tried and ended up doing the look like, remember when Don Zimmer went out and charged Charles Pedro Martinez? Yeah, I look like that. I look like old fat guy, like tried for a second and lost his balance during the show. Shoulder roll on the grass over the cow pie. Go to animcarolla.com and find out when we're coming to a city near you. And we'll be back with the regular show tomorrow. And until next time, this is Adam Crow for Gina Grad and bald Brian saying mahalo.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

That was Adam Krusho, 1517. There's a couple other Academy Awards themed episodes and then also episodes with them in a small confined space. I think there's one more Adams House and there's also one from the cruise, maybe two. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 1524. This is a special episode featuring stories from the road in honor of the movie roadheart. It's featuring David Alan Greer, Jay Leno, Howie Mandel, Larry Miller, Alonzo Bowden, Greg Fitzsimmons, Dana Gould, Brad Williams, and of course, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, o'reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with o'reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam hello

[Pluto TV Announcer]

and welcome to Plutofo. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Welcome to the real World.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For show times, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Gina Grad]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina. Grab.

[Gina Grad]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Brian.

[Gina Grad]

Oh,

[Brian Bishop]

told you about seeing him tonight, so I figured I'd play it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, she said, oh, man, you got a lot of travel coming up. And I said, there is a huge difference between doing two shows Friday night, two shows Saturday night, one show, you know, 90 minutes, 100 minutes up on stage. You know, I always say 90 minutes. But when I do stand up, I oftentimes go past 90s. You guys know, when we do live podcasts, we go past an hour and

[Pluto TV Announcer]

a half,

[Adam Carolla]

you know, sometimes times a couple of shows a night. I said, this is a lot of travel, but I'm sitting in a theater enjoying my movie and eating popcorn.

[Brian Bishop]

That's 90 minutes that the pre tape talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's me doing stand up. It's just I'm watching me do it. So what we're doing today is we got a lot of comedians and a lot of the guys that were on the list who were on the list here, but also in the movie giving us their sort of nightmare road stories. We have Howie Mandel and Brad Williams and Dag, the aforementioned Dag, Dana Gould, Larry Miller, Jay Leno, Fitz Dog, Alonzo Bowden. And we pre recorded getting all their horrifying Rhodes stories. And I thought I'd chip in a couple of my own. And we do it like that. Let's see who's in. Yeah, Larry Miller's in this movie. Dana Gould shows up, of course. Yeah, Howie. Yeah, Howie Mandel's one of these guys. He's so good on his feet. He's so good on stage. He's so good as a judge on America, America's Got Talent, all that kind of stuff. But good actor, just a good actor. Let's see, I was thinking about one of my stories. Lynch reminded me when we were playing again, Kansas City. I did Kansas City with Doc, got picked up with the Pathfinder with the three. Three bad dogs on the paws. And I think I flipped that one around. But either way, I know what that means. Bad wheels. Got bad wheels. Bad wheels just pulling every direction and weaving and couldn't find the gig. And then I said, all right, take about 10 years off from Kansas City. And then came back to Kansas City again and got picked up by the piece of shit Kia covered in bird shit. You know, the club owner owned it. And can I say this? I marvel at a lot of human behavior, but you guys tell me where this lands. Two dudes picked up. It was me and lynch and Mike August. And I think it was just three of us. Two dudes showed up to pick us up from the club. You know, they worked at the club or the club knew the club owner somehow. Each car was a bigger piece of shit than the next. And I don't expect, you know, limousine with a hot tub in it.

[Brian Bishop]

But two guys, two cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Two guys, two cars. But run the shit through a fucking car wash or through your hose. Like you have your fucking gym socks and some Burger King shit floating around. You know where my feet are. Just make a pass. It's still weird. It's so weirdly counterintuitive to me. You're going to the airport not to light a bum on fire, but to pick up some form of talent who's at least good enough to grace the stage of said club and sell it out. I can't remember if it was a theater or club or whatever it was, but it's like you're picking up talent from the airport. You can't just give one fucking pass.

[Gina Grad]

Is it one of those things where that is so your life that you look around and you're like, no, I don't see anything wrong with it. This is just what it looks like.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I try to tell people all the time. Once it's in the landscape, it's in the landscape. But Mike's car had. The car Mike lynch got into was a fucking beater Tercel where the headliner was hanging down. So it's like you had to hold it up with one hand and they just popped in. It was like the best of Air Clapton cassette that was just playing over and over, but just shit all over the inside. And by the way, like, when you walked up to the car, it looked like 80s comedy movie like, oh, guess who's picking them up from the airport. Like bird shit everywhere. Just schmutz everywhere.

[Gina Grad]

Tailpipe smoking.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't see through the windshield kind of thing. He's like, give the fucking car a quick wipe down with a fucking damp sock or something. What is that?

[Brian Bishop]

You're not. Just forget the fact that you're representing yourself. You just have some pride in your personal appearance or whatever. Whatever. You're ostensibly representing the club.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

You're.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

This.

[Brian Bishop]

This is the car they've sent for you.

[Gina Grad]

On behalf of the people of Kansas City, I do apologize.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, for fucking two in KC and then, bigger point. Why does the person who owns the club not know the fuck up Flunkies. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Why are they selected? Yeah, why. Why are they selected to be the

[Adam Carolla]

ones to go fetch if and when they are selected. Why are they not told, you know, who your fucking. Whether it's friends, employees or whatever, you know, who the fuck up flunkies are in the group, right. You want to give them a little talk, like, hey, you're gonna pick up Mr. Kroll and his guys over there at 5 at the airport. I know you play pretty fast and loose with your life and your pile of shit Tercel. Fucking run it through the quickie wash over there on the way in.

[Brian Bishop]

I left the windows down on the way to work today.

[Adam Carolla]

You farting doesn't count. Fucking fucking wipe that car down, would you, Dick? They never. It's just weird.

[Gina Grad]

And by the way, this explains so much, especially the story when you were at KU with Dr. Drew, because I attended KU and I was at that show.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

And my roommate and I waited in a long line to meet you and have you sign something. And by the time we got to the front, Dr. Drew was very polite. You were clearly pissed. So at least now you know. So many years later, I know why.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of the reason I would get pissed with Drew is we'd take the picture and then they'd go, oh, can we get another one? By the way, can I tell you guys something? I know you do this thing all the time. We go, oh, Adam, I know you hate this.

[Dana Gould]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't hate meeting the fans. If I did, I wouldn't hang out after every single live show. And when I say every single. I'm 99.2% of live shows. Shows in between two shows. And after the late show and with the signing at the Liquor Barn before, I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to do it. I don't Mind. I'll tell you what I do mind, and I. Tell me if you guys have experienced this, you know, it's after a show or it's just socially. There's three friends, and they hand the camera off to Mike August, and they go, let's get a shot. And the two of them slide in. And then you put your arm around him. Mike starts holding the picture. And then they go, hold on. Hold on, Sheila. Come on, Sheila, get in here. Sheila shaking her head, no, no, no, I'm good. She no, hold on, Sheila.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, get in here. Get in here. No, no, no, no. Go take the picture. Take Sheila.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You try.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, shut up. Gun. She doesn't want to take the fucking picture. And I'm just standing here. She's made it. She's made. She's made her wishes clear. No one's ever going to look at this picture 10 years from now, go, what the fuck happened to Sheila? Where is she? She doesn't want to take the picture. Now, look, first off, figure this shit out in advance.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you please have a fucking conversation

[Adam Carolla]

in the lengthy line of whether Sheila's going to enjoy. Sheila, here's what I'm going to need you to do. Either do a shoulder roll and pop up in this picture, or run the fuck out of this building. And you take no for an answer. Kushila, come on. You're gonna be sorry. And it's like my arms around. And now I'm yelling, just take the fucking picture. Like, we can superimpose over the fucking.

[Gina Grad]

And then they'll remember. God. Kind of an asshole. He yelled at us.

[Brian Bishop]

Are the Sheilas of the world playing hard to get? Or are they being demure? But, oh, not me.

[Adam Carolla]

I have found that there is a percentage. This doesn't pertain with dudes. There's a percentage of women who don't like their appearance. Like, maybe they've put on a few pounds over the last couple of years or whatever. They had a kid and they just. Whatever. Their hair's not whatever. They're just not feeling attractive. They don't like having their image captured when they're just not feeling good about it. And that's usually I find what's going on. Because it's not like I'm staring at Claudia Schiffer's younger sister over there, and she's going, nine. You know what she would do if it's jerk, Broomhilda, get in here.

[Brian Bishop]

Nein, nein.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's not that it's usually a chick. It looks like she maybe she got divorced and started trying to eat away a little of the depression and something's up, but either way, drunken friend, you're in the picture. Your friend has now told you for the fourth time she's expressed her wishes not to be part of the photograph. Could we take the fucking picture and get on with our goddamn lives?

[Brian Bishop]

Come on, Sheila.

[Adam Carolla]

And have you ever yelled at anyone that they must be in the picture? You know, more C List celebrity for you, my dear. Let's look at it that way. Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

Fair enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone ever stopped me when I labeled myself C List? No. No, they do not.

[Brian Bishop]

That's being kind of generous, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to be generous? ZipRecruiter, baby, you're hiring. Posting a new job, you got to do it all over the place. How you going to do it? How are you going to get to all those top sites? You can, you can. With ZipRecruiter.com you can post your job in 50 plus sites. I got the Craigslist and LinkedIn and Twitter and all that. And then another 47 plus. I don't know what they are, but they're out there. And you can get it all with a single click. So you can find candidates in any city. I'd stay away from kc. I'm sorry. These folks don't know how to pick up people from airports over there.

[Gina Grad]

My mom will do it next time.

[Adam Carolla]

There's really nothing worse you can say about a citizenship than bad at picking you up from the airport anyway. All right, shall we hear our first road nightmare story? How about a little Howie Mandel?

[Howie Mandel]

I. I love doing stand up comedy, but I hate traveling because, you know, like, it's well documented that I'm afraid of the germs and the icky people that you might bump into in a hotel room. And so I remember one particular gig, I got a call through the Comedy Store, actually, I got a call and said, would you do a private party in a house here in la? And I thought, you know, it'd be nice not to travel. That's ultimately, I get off the road to do what I do on the road. But I said, no, I don't do private parties. You know, I'm on television and that. And I hung up the phone and an hour later they call me back and they said, you know, he's willing to offer you any amount of money. And I said, any amount of money. All right, this will be crazy. And I gave them an amount of money that beyond what I get paid to do television or Whatever. And then I hung up the phone. And lo and behold, I got a call back. And they said, okay. And then I thought, this is a little bit creepy. So then I called back and I said, it's gotta be cash. And then they called back and they said, okay. And I said, you gotta give it to me ahead of time. I was so nervous. And the money arrived at the Comedy Store. And that Saturday night, it was his house in Benedict Canyon. It was supposed to be a surprise for this guy who said that I was his favorite comedian. So I said to my wife, would you like to come on the road? You never come on the road with me. This is just Sepulveda, you know, to Sunset, over to Beverly Glen, Benedict Canyon. She said, no. So anyway, I. I'm driving there at night, Saturday night, and it's dark. And I'm going up the canyon. And this is the first time I'm like on the road. Really on, by myself. I just went by myself. And. And. And then I'm getting all these flashes that they're going to kidnap me. And this is horrible. But I make my way to the top of Benedict Canyon. And there's a woman, a scantily clad woman standing in the middle of the road, flagging me down right in front of these huge hedges. And I roll down the window. She comes to the window and she goes, are you Howie Mandela? And I go, yes. She goes, this is the place. Just come in through these hedges. So I get out of the car, I pull the car over, and we go through the hedges. And I hear there's kind of a party going on. And she says, this way. And it's this huge mansion. And I go around back toward where the pool is. I can hear there's a party going on. And she said, you're a surprise here in the bathroom. And you know you'll get ready for your show. And then when you hear, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, that's when you come out. So I said, okay. So I'm in the bathroom, and at that time I had, like, more props and stuff. So I'm preparing my act. I hear the party in the other room without even. And this is like a pool house bathroom. So it's like a four by four bathroom. There's a toilet and a sink and me. And the door opens and some guy comes in and he doesn't even. He doesn't flinch that I'm there. He doesn't even look at me. And he starts relieving himself in the bathroom. I'm standing I couldn't press myself closer to a wall. I couldn't press. I remember at this point thinking I was so excited that I wasn't getting on a plane, that I wasn't staying in a crappy hotel room in the middle of Montana. And I wanted to be in the middle of Montana. I wanted to be on a plane. I wanted to be in the middle seat. I was pressed against the wall while this guy was urinating right beside me, not saying a word. And he just leaves. He didn't wash his hands. He just leaves. And I hear the noise on the outside. And I pick up my first opening props. And I hear from the other side of the door, ladies and gentlemen, our surprise for tonight. Howie Mandel. And I walk out into a room. I just missed my flight. Can you hear that going over? I walk out into a room with about eight guys and about nine women. And the guys are not dressed, the women aren't dressed, and the women are doing things to the men. A lot of people were not in the standing position, and a lot of the noises were. So the guy. I guess the guy whose party that I was surprising was getting blown at that moment. He was getting. I didn't know who the buyer was, but the guy. The guy that was getting blown while he was getting blown, he looks at me. I walk out, and I'm just. My jaws dropped, and I don't know what to do. And he's bent over about the climax, saying to Bobby, do the.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Do the.

[Howie Mandel]

Do the Bobby voice. Do the Bobby voice. And I. You know, it's like I didn't know what to. It was really weird, and things were being. You know, people were coming to climax. And this, you know, you want to make one person laugh. You don't want. You don't want two people to come. That's not a good result for any show. Anyway, as it turned out, it was a bachelor party, and they had hired me for the bachelor party, and I didn't even know. I did my 20 minutes, the most horrific 20 minutes I've ever done in my life. And I saw positions and things. Talk about a captive audience, but. And then I left. And I had no idea. It was the worst performance I've ever had. Makes for a better story than an evening. And then about two months later, I'm in a mall in the Valley, and some woman comes up to me and goes, howie Mandel. And I said, yeah. And she said, oh, my husband told me that you performed at so and so's bachelor party. He said they had A great time. And I look back behind her, about 50 yards behind her, and there's a guy going, anything?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't say anything.

[Howie Mandel]

Don't say. So I realized that they paid big money for a decoy excuse so the guys could come home to their wives and say, oh, would you? We just had Howieman. We had Howie Mandel, and they were willing to pay anything. So, you know, I like to be the headliner. I don't like to be the liner while people are getting head. That's my road story. And I'm thrilled to be part of Road Hard because I think that that tells. He is depicting the world that I know that me, my friends, all live in, and that fight to stay relevant, to fight to stay noticed, to fight to stay on top. And it is road hard. And I thought that having screened the movie, I'm very proud to be even a small part of it. But I thought that he depicted the character, the heart, the humor and the tragedy and the funny, bizarre characters that are all involved in every comic's life. So Road Hard is the movie to see.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thank you, Howie Mandel, by the way, Howie, what you call a mensch, what his people call a mensch, you

[Brian Bishop]

can call him that.

[Adam Carolla]

Say to him, hey, I'm going to be in New York. And he's going to be, oh, I'm filming America's Got Talent over there. And I said, you want to come out Thursday night? I'll be there. And then he does one of these things where he just goes, anytime, any place, anything for you, pal. Like one of those guys.

[Gina Grad]

He means it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he certainly backs it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, who cares if he means it or not? He says it.

[Gina Grad]

He's such a mensch, he could almost be considered a shabboskoi.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I like the. But I had this funny conversation with somebody because they're like, you know, in the movie, Howie Mandel does his handshake move where he doesn't want to shake the guy's hand? And somebody said, yeah, what's that about? And I said, well, the thing that's funny, that is Howie Mandel. But remember when we were at the Canyon Club or wherever, we were playing up there in Agora or wherever, Thousand Oaks, and he was eating barbecue across the way, and he came back to the green room, came up there with Jay Moore before the show started, and he came walking up there and he is holding a thing of popcorn in a box, like a popcorn, like a lid. And it's one of those, you know, walk out of the honky tonk rib joint and grab a barrel of popcorn. His wife is eating it. He was eating it. And he walked in and he caught me by surprise. And I'm trained to do the handshake thing, you know. And so you start doing, I have affection for the guy. And then it's like, oh, oh, yeah, sorry. And we did the fist bump. Did the fist bump.

[Brian Bishop]

But licking his cheek, though, was a bit much. I know you like it.

[Adam Carolla]

You show affection the way you show faction. When he's in your movie, you find yourself licking some cheeks, too.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

So he comes in, he sits down with his wife and his friend and everyone else. He's getting shit faced on mangoria. And he's reaching in the pop. This is a box. It looks like a shirt box, like a nice box. A shirt comes in from the cleaners or something. And he's reaching in, and his buddy's reaching in. His buddy's wife's reaching in, and his wife's reaching in. At some point, I just look at him and I go, howie, five minutes ago, we did the fist bump. We couldn't do the handshake you just offered me. He grabbed the communal trough of popcorn that everyone was reaching into and offered it up to me for now a fourth or fifth hand reach into it. And, you know, I'm an atheist. I don't do that much hand washing. And I said, howie, you're offering me this hand. There's got to be a lot more germs floating around inside of this. Why is it okay to eat the popcorn this way, but we can't shake hands? And he went, adam, you don't get it. I'm crazy. And I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Explained everything.

[Adam Carolla]

And I just think about it like you do, thinking, why would you blow yourself up in a pizza parlor when you're so young? And it's like, crazy, crazy. Like, you know, whatever. The drive your van to a mall or whatever it is. Like, whatever. It's like we forget crazy. It's called being crazy.

[Brian Bishop]

You're trying to apply logic to an illogical person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we logical people go, but I don't get it. Why don't you just do it this way?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And his answer was so simple and so beautiful.

[Dana Gould]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You can't do that. And I was like, oh, yeah, forgot about that. His problem is he's so sane in so many other facets of life, it ends up mussing with your plan. All right, we will play another one. We got Brad Williams coming up and Dag and Dana Gould. First, a little unfinished business. Man, love me some unfinished business. My good friend Vince Vaughn. And this baby. Also, Dave Franco, Tom Wilkinson. Can't go wrong with Tom Wilkinson. They take a trip, goes awry, comedy ensues everybody. And it's coming out in theaters March 6th. Oh, big day for movies. It'll be in 3,600 screens. We'll be in 10 and a half. So look out, baby, we're coming at you with our slingshot. You search unfinished business movie and you can watch a trailer and you get tickets. And it's in theaters this Friday, March 6th. So again, search unfinished business movie. How good is Vince Vaughn? Watch the trailer, get the tickets, and then we'll see you at the theater this Friday, March 6th. Ah, Alonzo Boden is next. So, Gary, my list here is in no particular order.

Yep, shrewd.

So enjoy.

[Brian Bishop]

The purpose of a list. I'm just joking around.

[Adam Carolla]

It's still good to know. I just assumed they'd be in an order. Either way, it's a surprise to even the host. Alonzo Bowdoin, everybody. Hi, I'm Alonzo Bowden. I'm a comic. Look, I've been doing this for 22 years. I went on the Investors bank tour in Canada. It reminded me of being a road middle. My second year in comedy, we went through the prairies. You know what the prairies are? They're Medicine hat and they're Red Deer and their Moose Jaw. And there are a host of other cities that not even Canadians go to. You know when you're in a bad hotel, when you have to go down to the clerk and say, and I kid you not, I am not making this up. You go to to the front desk and say, excuse me, could you please clean the shattered glass out of my bed?

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You think they didn't change your sheets? They didn't change my sheets after the crime was committed. Ah, back from the great Alonzo Bowden. And now with a little more black on black crime. David Allen, career.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Okay. One time I was, I went in this club. The club owner is a retired comic.

[Brad Williams]

You understand?

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

He's retired. He got off the road to raise his kids. This is a club he's owned for over 25, 30 years. He stopped performing. His 18 year old son is running sound in honor of me. He's coming out of retirement. Okay, so there are three comics opener the middle me, I'm headlining. He just wants to bring me on. Such a big fan. He hasn't done comedy in 25 years. I would honor him by letting him bring me on. He did 51 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

51 minutes.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

I went to the mic and this

[Adam Carolla]

kid, this 18 year old kid who

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

hates his dad, I was like, can you give your dad the light?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Couldn't fucking believe it.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

He was taking questions. At one point he took questions, he

[Adam Carolla]

started explaining why he painted the room

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

the way it was painted. Oh my God. I was just bleeding. I was bleeding in that dressing room. That was one gym, that was one little road gym, you know, I mean the sad part, you know, you come in, there's a club I used to perform in. It's one of my favorite clubs. The guy came in, they lost the club. You know, they were losing the club. And, and it had changed. It had been this really hot club. And then I came back and these guys were. They partnered with this dude who ran the business in the ground. And they were just going out of the business. And it was just very sad show business thing. But hey, have a great show. Dave, we're so glad you're back. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Yeah, Another time I played this club in Miami and they said the whole time they're booking me, they're to going, we're moving

[Adam Carolla]

again.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

You would honor us, David, you would honor us by closing the club down. We're gonna move it to a different location. It was in this big mall. So I get there, the mall's being torn down, it's being sold. The entire mall is boarded up. You understand? Boarded up, like with plywood all over.

[Adam Carolla]

They're at the top of this mall and it goes like a third floor.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

I'm like, dude, did you see you're moving or they're tearing the building down? He said, well, you know, we've had a little trouble filling the place. I'm like, yeah, nobody wants to come in here again. It was another weekend of hell. It was just a weekend of hell. That was a long weekend. A lot of alcohol was consumed there.

[Adam Carolla]

And love me some Daggeronian. Like I said, tonight, up on stage at Caroline's, New York City. All right, shall we check in with a nice little road story from one of the guys who. Well, I'll say this to Bald Brian. You know, when you make a movie, you write roles and you're not exactly sure which one is going to. I mean, you know what the lead is and, you know, the love interest. But when I was writing this movie, I did not know Larry Miller would get as much screen time and become as sort of big overall presence as he was in the movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you envision him in the babydoll role as you were writing it, or is the babydoll role thought of as the actual guy? It's inspired by? Who inspired it?

[Adam Carolla]

I knew Larry would be great no matter what. I just didn't.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

So.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you thought of him as you were like, oh, this would be a good Larry role.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did. I did. It's easier to picture somebody when you're writing, even if they never end up doing it. It's good to just have a picture that consistent voice.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, consistent. The character does things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he just did, I thought, just a great job in this film.

[Brian Bishop]

He was fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just really. He was from another film, as I always say. But that was fine. He was living.

That was important to me.

He was living in his world. And now we can hear a little from the great Larry Miller about the road.

Any decent comic has good road stories. That's the point of the road. You love being out there with everyone. You are made to entertain. I was working at the Iowa State Police association convention, and I was just a baby comic then. Only been in the business a few years. But that's great. You get out there and you're working in a good group like that. Was it a domed ballroom in Moline or Davenport? I can't remember exactly, but it was Hilton. And there was a thousand officers and their wives there. And I'm in the back in my sport coat and slacks, you know, with your hands clasped, just watching. It's a big room and a lot of people and ready to walk up front and to walk me up front. They gave me a state policeman, uniformed state policeman. And he was. He was perfect if you were going to cast someone. He looked like a Norman Rockwell drawing of a. He was huge in muscle and in the shirt and the leather thing that comes across and the boots and I think a jodhpur he's wearing. And he was great. Plus where he's so strong, the. It's about two and a half, three feet from his chest to his back, but that's all muscle and bone. He's. So where he. I'm standing there and he's standing next to me. And they start the. The show, the evening. The. The head of the group comes up and says, all right, now, ladies and gentlemen, before we bring on our entertainer, as you know, last week young Danny McFan was shot and killed in the line of duty. Now, he says this, and I'm just watching and I. And I. And I heard this, and I turned to the. To the trooper and I just said, what. What is this? And the trooper leans down and says, we're going to have a little more memorial service now. And I said, you know, I'm a comic. And he just said, shh. Now they bring on the guy's partner who breaks down. He can't finish his speech. He's crying. The guy was shot and killed. And so he kind of walked. Just walks off the stage. They bring on his family, wife and kids, and his wife also kind of goes into a faint. They're going to accept an award with a check for some of the kids holding her. They're crying. They unfurled. They have to cart her off. They unfurled a portrait of the guy, the length of the arch, next to an American flag. Everyone stands and sings a hymn. And then, as if it had been scripted, the guy says, and now here to make you laugh. And. And I'm in the back. And I think, like any comic. And I think, like any good comic, I wasn't freaked out. I didn't panic. I just said, I can't wait to tell the other guys about this, your other comic friends when you get back to your club in New York, the comic strip. And so they introduced me, bring me up. I walked the length of the room. It's a big room with a lot of people. And I got up there and they. Folks were very nice. And for the first five or 10 minutes, there's really not a lot of response from them, but that's. They're right. They've just gone through it. And then they started to come around a bit. Nice got into it, and I was happy to be there. And I wound up. It wound up being a good show, a terrific show.

Not every comedian was in this movie. There were a couple guys. I just, you know, not that they're bad comedians or that they're not funny comedians, but I wanted someone who could move the needle, someone, you know, some recognizable names, you know, and there's a lot of comedians that are out there that might be known in the comedy community.

[Brian Bishop]

They're comics. Comics.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But outside, not mainstream comedic community.

[Brian Bishop]

More niche.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. As a guy named Jay Leno. I don't. Obviously that doesn't mean anything to you guys. As a comedian? I know the name, obviously.

[Brian Bishop]

What does the letter J stand for in the J?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no. It's like J A Y.

[Brian Bishop]

Is my face red?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, again, you're not. You live in Hollywood and you're in the entertainment industry, but you're not in the comedic. It's a very small.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, you're gonna be hearing things from this kid.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's hear a story from them.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Just that frustration that comes with dealing with drunks and. You know, I once was in Reduco, Mexico. Native American Indians on this side of the room and cowboys on the other

[Gina Grad]

side of the room.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm doing my act. And the cowboy goes, an Indian thought it was funny. White man, you stupid. And a fight broke out, and I'm like, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? I was in Reduco, Mexico, this comedy club. How did I wind up here? And being on the road, you get, you know, I'm one of those guys. I don't like riders. I don't like people with, you know, no red M&MS, no this, no that. And I played a gig once in Maine. It was a church. It was turned into a club. And the guy says, we didn't get your rider.

I said, look, I.

Show business is not that hard. People make it difficult. I don't need a rider. I don't need anything. He says, you don't need anything? I said, no, I'm fine. I'll be fine. I don't need anything. So I get to the club and it's full. And I said to the guy, where's the mic? You say, you need anything? Well, I need a mic. He said, no, you said, you need anything? Well, I need. Don't you have a mic?

He goes, no.

[Brian Bishop]

Whatever people we bring the sound of,

[Adam Carolla]

since I'm in for it. So I just want to. How y' all doing? Good to see ya.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see ya. It was like a nightmare. I said, okay, from now on, adequate sound system, bottle of water, stool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Short. Sweet Leno, everybody. Speaking of sweet, Burger King's got a new deal going on. The CR sandwich. It's a croissant sandwich.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that's your French. That's your French pronunciation, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Bilingual sandwich. Yeah. You get a deal on it, baby. Oh, man. First off, is there anything better than a breakfast sandwich? No, there's nothing better than a breakfast.

[Brian Bishop]

Sandwich is breakfast and a sandwich.

[Gina Grad]

Specifically, when it comes on a croissant.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this about the croissant? It is the only breakfast. It's the only thing in the bread breakfast department. I'm not talking about a blueberry muffin. I'm just talking about you're up against toast, let's say. Or what? Have you? It's the only thing that can fly, that can just go naked. You could literally, you just hand me a croissant. I can gnaw on it. I don't yell, where's the jelly and where's the parquet?

[Brian Bishop]

And some breads. I'll say it, some breads are not good breakfast breads. They're not good breakfast sandwich breads.

[Adam Carolla]

The croissant.

[Dana Gould]

The croissant.

[Adam Carolla]

Croissant.

[Brian Bishop]

It's made for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Made for it. Mm. Croissant wich often. Mm. Two for just four bucks. Start your breakfast. Got the sausage and the egg. You guys salivating just a little bit?

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, I'm a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like Pavlov. Or you can get the bacon and cheese. It's the croissant which you get one, you grab one for a co worker.

[Gina Grad]

Screw that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. They're going right both to my head. Two for just four bucks. And you get it only at Burger King. Limited time only. Price and participation vary. It's the croissant witch. All right, let's hear from our little friend with the big, big comedy chops, Brad Williams.

[Brad Williams]

Hey everybody, this is Brad Williams and I'm really excited that Adam Carolla made this movie Road Hard. Mostly because road stories are something that makes up the lives of comedians. And we all have them and none of them are typical. They're all different. But a lot of them have kind of similar themes. And the thing with Road Hard is that it examines a guy who's going back on the road, going through the trials and tribulations that that brings, which includes meeting women. I myself have gone through some of those aspects as well. There was one particular incident where I was at a comedy club on a Thursday, got there on a Thursday right before the show. Go to the show, talk to this waitress who works at the comedy club. Hey, it's going good. She likes me. Alright, so we're gonna go back to my hotel. She's driving, I can't drive. Cause midget can't rent cars. They don't rent out cars that fit me. So she's got to drive even though she's a little drunk. So we're going back to the hotel, she ends up getting into a car accident. I'm in the car, she wrecks her vehicle. I'm alright, she's okay, but the car is just totaled and she has to end up calling a tow truck and she tries to get me to pay to get her car towed and then pay the money to get it back out of the tow yard. She's trying to convince me to do this. Not only this, she was drinking. So when she gets in the accident, she calls the cops. She tries to tell me, hey, why don't you take the fall? You say that you were driving, Idiot, I'm a freaking midget. You have a normal car. I can't get in there and say that I was driving the car. It just doesn't work. It has the same truth to it as if you put a hamster behind the wheel. Same thing. Can't do it. So I just ended up getting a cab and going back to the hotel. Now, the thing is, is this was on Thursday. I still had to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday at this comedy club. Which means I had to talk to this girl and see this woman Friday, Saturday, Sunday, after she wrecked her car, wanted to ask me for money, help. I didn't. I just met her that night. And then she made it out to me like I was being a dick. I was. I was being a total asshole. So I'm pretty sure that she spat my food, farted my food, did terrible things to my food all throughout that weekend at that comedy club. But, yeah, those are some of the experiences that you have when you're on the road. Those and others. And those are the kind of stories and experience that you see Adam Croll as main character go through in Road Hard. And I'm really excited for you to see. One thing that you experience when you're on the road as a comedian is you get lonely and you try to meet people, whether that be people that just want to be friends or of the intimate nature. I met a girl one time at a comedy club. We go back to my hotel. Now I've got a group of friends with me. We're all sitting there in the same hotel room. This woman decides that she wants to give me a lap dance. Now, I usually end my shows with a lap dance. She's like, that was awesome. But I want to give you the lap dance to do it to you so you could have something. I'm like, alright, I'm not going to turn down a lap dance. So she starts grinding on me in the hotel room. All my friends are cheering her, are cheering her on. Her friends are there, they're cheering her on. And all of a sudden, for some weird reason, she cranks back and straight out of the TV show Californication conks me right in the head. I am out. One punch done knocks me out. I'm unconscious on the bed. I found out later from My friends that after she knocked me out, she continued grinding on me. So not only does this woman have a dwarf fetish, she also apparently is a necrophiliac because she didn't mind grinding on a. On a. Pretty much a corpse. Thankfully, I have great friends that even though they just saw their buddy get knocked the fuck out, did absolutely nothing to help me, sat back and laughed and thought that concussions are hilarious. So these are just one of the many things that comedians run into while experiencing life on the road. And you can see more of these in the movie Road Hard. They say life is a journey, and enjoy the ride. It's not. It's not about the destination. It's about the process of getting there. And no true words can be spoken about being a road comedian because sometimes your stories don't happen when you get to the place. It's on your way there. I was once doing a show in Sun Valley, Idaho. Now, Sun Valley, Idaho is a small ass town, as most are in Idaho. And you can't just have a direct flight from lax. I flew first to Salt Lake City, and then we got to get on this tiny, tiny, tiny puddle jumper plane to Sun Valley, Idaho. This thing holds maybe 12 people now. We get on the plane, we're all sitting down, and then the pilot comes over the loudspeaker and says something I've never heard. I travel 45 weeks a year on the road. I've been every city, I've been every size of plane. I fly every weekend. I've never heard this before where the pilot comes on and says, ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that we oversold this morning's flight and we are too heavy to fly. We are unsafe at our current weight to fly. Some of our passengers are going to have to take a later flight, but you'll still get to your destination safely. We'll give you a little coupon. But we have to do this for safety now. So they go through the plane and they start asking every passenger if they have flexible travel plans. I didn't have a show until the next day. They were flying me in a day early. I had plenty of time, so I said, sure, I'll help out. You're too heavy to fly. Whatever. I use the coupon. I'll get off the plane. I got off the plane. I was the only one that got off the plane. Do you understand that?

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brad Williams]

I'm a midget. I'm a dwarf. And you are too heavy to fly. You are unsafe at your current weight to fly. What do we do? We kick the midget off the plane. We kick a buck 20 soaking wet, and now you're safe to fly. Meanwhile, there's fat people sitting in front

[Pluto TV Announcer]

of me like, I can't get.

[Brad Williams]

I gotta get to Shore Valley, Idaho. And they don't kick them off the plane, really. I hope they died. I hope the whole plane just careened into a mountain and they all died because I was the only one that got off the goddamn plane. And then, of course, all the other flights were delayed. I barely got in. I had to sleep that night in the Salt Lake City airport because there was a snowstorm in Sun Valley, Idaho. I barely got in the next day to see my shows or to do my shows. And. Yeah, so sometimes it's all about getting there, and getting there is half the fun when you're. When you're a comedian on the road.

[Adam Carolla]

We're doing road stories in honor of Road Hard today. And now some Dana Gould.

[Dana Gould]

One of my more memorable road stories occurred in the beautiful city of Houston, Texas. And I was staying in a hotel, a nice hotel, you know, not a fleabag. And I just couldn't get the mattress right. There was this weird sort of lump in the mattress. And so I thought, well, I'll just turn it. It was about, you know, I'd done two shows and it was late. It was like 1:30 in the morning. And I go to turn the mattress and I find, no, not a hooker corpse and the box spring. I have non smoking, non hooker corpse, non ice machine or elevator adjacent room on my contract. But I picked up the mattress. And in between the mattress and the box spring was what I can only describe as a wealth of porn. But it wasn't just regular magazines and stuff. It was the kind of porn that my brother would call a trucker's buddy. It was like those weird, like, paperback books you'd see in old newsstands. And there was a lot of it. And I like, who's in a hotel long enough to amass a library of porn? And none of it was good in the sense of it was all way, way out of the mainstream, to the point that even I said, no,

[Adam Carolla]

no.

[Dana Gould]

So I gathered it all up, but I can't throw it away in my room because housekeeping is going to see it. And then when I come back, the police will be waiting for me. So I put it all in a. In a stack. And I'm about to walk down the hall and just put it. Hopefully there's a trash can by the elevator. I Can't recall. But then I'm thinking, even though by now it's 2 in the morning, I don't want anyone seeing me holding a five pound pile of bad paperback trucker porn. So I actually had to wrap it in a towel and bring it down to the elevators where there was no trash can and just leave it there gift wrapped in my bath towel for whatever lucky person found it and whoever did. I can only say, if you are the kind of person to open up that towel and find that little library in there and think, bingo, miracles do happen, this is exactly what I want. Well, if you're that kind of fella, all I can say is God help you. God help you.

[Adam Carolla]

And another good friend of the show, he was not in the movie, but a guy that spent quite a bit of time on the road and always has good stories. Fitz dog. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alright, so I go up to San Francisco and I've been dreaming about doing this club called Cobbs Forever. It's like the club Robin Williams started out at and Dana Carvey and just a legendary club. Every comic says that it's the best room in the country. And so I finally get up there and I'm thrilled. It's not a big room, but it's just got. The acoustics are right and the people are hip and it's fun as shit. And I go up and I'm just killing and I'm thinking to myself, I am here. This is Thursday night, I'm here through Sunday, I'm in heaven. I'm riffing new material, Life is good. And then all of a sudden I start, I go, guys, you guys smell smoke at all to the audience? Is somebody smoking? And they go, no, nobody's smoking. But yeah, we kind of smell it. And so I just go on with the show. Five minutes later.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys smell smoke?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I really smell smoke. Yeah, we kind of do smell it. Five minutes after that, firemen rush in with axes drawn, helmets on. They start screaming, everybody out of the club. Get out of the club now. And the waiters and waitresses start dividing up their tips and the firemen start grabbing them and pulling them outside. And we run outside the door and there was a hotel next door that was. This is a really old. On the wharf in San Francisco. It's like one of the most historic, like the Cannery it was called. And they had been using some kind of a paint thinner next door that caught on fire. And so the entire building next to the club was on fire. And there were like, there were burning embers falling out like giant chunks of wood on fire landing on the club. The crowd is all running outside and I'm like the last guy out. And I'm standing out there watching the club burn to the ground. Reporters show up. They're asking me what was I doing in the neighborhood. And I was just like, I was

[Adam Carolla]

here living my dream,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

burnt to the ground. Nobody ever told jokes again on that stage.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, take a knee out as we speak with me and Art Alexakis from Everclear. God, there's an inspirational story, so check that [e-mail] God love you. With the road hard. You guys are doing great. And thanks for pre ordering on itunes and watching us climb the charts and all that good stuff. Just go to AdamKroll.com you can find out where and when and everything under the sun. And get yourself a little Mangria. We got tastings going on all over the place. Corolladrinks.com so till next time, it's Adam Carolla for Howie Mandel and Brad Williams and Dagg and Dana Gould and Larry Miller and Jay Leno and Gray Fitzsimmons, Alonzo Bowden and Gina grand and bald Bryan saying mahalo. More C list celebrity for you, my dear.

[Podcast Host / Narrator]

All right, this is adam pillow show 1524 road stories from 2015. That does it for Razor Pillow Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello, and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Comedian David Alan Grier]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

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Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Show Times, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

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That is so fast.

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On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.