Summary7 min read

Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics): Jay Mohr + Doug Benson

Original Air Date: August 1, 2026

Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode features a pair of fan-favorite flashes from early 2010s episodes of The Adam Carolla Show with comedians Jay Mohr and Doug Benson. Anchored by Adam’s legendary no-filter humor, the episode delivers classic rants, off-the-cuff discussions on modern annoyances, parenting, and plenty of absurd bits. The loose, rotating cast includes regulars Allison Rosen, Dave Dameshek, and Bald Bryan Bishop.

The show is punctuated by sharp comedy and vintage Carolla tangents: from Adam’s Seder stories and missing-money caper, to penis-size windbreaker rankings, the science of farting after a flight, the entitlement of modern coffee culture, airline weight policies, and loaded trivia rounds. Alongside these, the episode offers improv banter with Jay Mohr, stoner reflections with Doug Benson, and recurring riffs involving the Adam Carolla universe.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Passover Seder and Europhilia

[02:00 – 07:25]

Adam recounts growing up around his grandmother’s pseudo-intellectual circle, Seder traditions, and his family’s fascination with “all things European” (cars, cigarettes).
He describes sitting through elaborate three-language Seder services, mostly waiting for brisket, and the comedy he found in childhood mischief with his cousin Mitchell.
Quote (Adam Carolla, 05:13):

“Jules Mandel spoke only in French, even though he grew up in the Valley, too. Turns out, he was right—that’s the language of the future in L.A.”

2. The Missing Envelope Caper: Office Money Mystery

[07:25 – 40:17]

Adam tells a suspenseful, comedic story about an envelope stuffed with hundreds of dollars that vanishes from his office.
He suspects a guest with a “bipolar” t-shirt, debates Dr. Drew’s lack of “emotional IQ,” and drags in ex-MLB player Shawn Green as a possible (but laughably implausible) suspect.
The envelope’s disappearance spawns a house-wide search, finger-pointing, and a mock investigation, with even Adam’s son Sonny coming under suspicion.
Quote (Adam, 13:01):

“Drew has no emotional IQ whatsoever. I’m sitting here, searching for $800 in MY building, and he bursts in with ‘Hey, remember this guy? Ex-Dodger Sean Green!’... No, Drew, I don’t remember him. Why are you being a dick?”
The money saga ends with a classic Carolla parenting moment—questioning Sonny about the money—combining negotiation, mock-interrogation, and jokes about childhood larceny.
Quote (Adam to Sonny, 28:23):

“Daddy’s missing some of his money, and I know that you took some of that money and Daddy needs it back. Okay, I can take it. Don’t lie to Daddy, Sonny.”

3. Jay Mohr and Carolla on Celebrity Encounters & Parenting

[51:10 – 66:21]

Jay Mohr joins, the room discusses LA commutes, memories from celebrity softball games, and how LA traffic shapes their schedule and mood.
They riff on kid discipline, with both comics sharing anecdotes about enforcing fun or discipline (“You can’t go home, you have to finish baseball practice!”).
The group reflects on public embarrassment and how kids—or adults—handle being caught in a lie or a blunder.

4. Modern Coffee Culture & Narcissism Rant

[57:35 – 62:39]

Adam launches into a classic rant: how Starbucks custom-orders (“grande skinny vanilla latte, light foam, extra hot”) represent millennial narcissism and slow down society.
Quote (Adam Carolla, 60:19):

“Coffee’s just fucking hot. You either put milk in it or you don’t, but it’s coffee. Everyone’s got a rider now. We’re all in a rock band—except none of us has an audience.”
Dave Dameshek and Allison Rosen pile on, poking fun at specialty grocery orders, custom drinks, and entitled consumers.

5. Airport, Airplane, and Farting Science

[103:01 – 113:50]

Doug Benson brings up the phenomenon of post-flight farting, for which Adam crafts a “car guy” theory about the build-up, release, and conservation of "ass wind," comparing it to first-date etiquette.
Quote (Carolla, 109:12):

“I’ve done the waving and farting thing where I literally did not stop farting until I got out of the car… I’d mic people’s ass up on a first date—how long do they go after?”
Leads into a hilarious parallel between holding in farts on airplanes and holding composure on early dates.

6. Penis-Size Windbreaker Lottery & the ‘Show of Heils’

[118:02 – 124:13]

Adam pitches a satirical "national penis ranking" scheme, where every male has to put their penis through a titanium plate to measure water displacement, then gets a windbreaker with their national ranking worn for a month.
Doug Benson, Allison, and the group riff on the absurdity, with plenty of eye-rolling and stoner confusion.
Quote (Adam, 121:11):

“This could turn our economy around. It would create jobs. You’d be toast of the town—on all the talk shows. Like, ‘local makes good, penis #1.’”
Threaded with tongue-in-cheek Nazi salute jokes (“Show of Heils”) that the audience stays wary of engaging with.

7. Totally Topical TiVo Trivia

[125:38 – 137:24]

Doug Benson and the cast play a live version of Doug’s “Totally Topical TiVo Trivia”—guessing movies from strange TV descriptions—blending fast banter with grade-A movie nerd nonsense.
Banter about who gets points for what, and side references to cock sizes as player nicknames.

8. Preposterous Airline Weight Pricing Debate

[146:00 – 155:36]

Adam discusses a Norwegian economist’s proposal that airline ticket prices should be based on passenger weight—using freight logic.
Riffing on the “fairness” of heavy people paying more, men versus women, and the plausible but comically dystopian concept of airport weigh-ins.
Quote (Carolla, 147:50):

“We’re all just freight flying around in life’s big C-130. You want to buy a bench vise? It costs more to ship than a feather duster. So why are we pretending people aren’t cargo?”

9. Sexual Harassment, Yoga Gurus, and Lawsuit Culture

[159:27 – 164:58]

Discussion of Bikram Yoga’s scandal, centered on Adam’s take on how society handles “feeling uncomfortable,” differences between quitting and suing, and the line between genuine abuse and unfortunate advances.
Comedic digressions into "why did you start a business? (to harass people!)" and gynecologist horror stories.

10. Famous “Drawn Penis While Passed Out” Stories

[175:08 – 177:17]

The team debates how many corpses in morgues must have had a penis drawn on their face after passing out (i.e., college prank turning fatal).
Jimmy Kimmel and Cousin Sal lore: Sal’s infamous “Yokozuna” stunt—bare-ass wrestling drop onto passed-out friends (Mike August loses a tooth), and the code of masculine non-litigiousness.
Quote (Carolla, 180:04):

“Marquis of Queensbury rules say you have to yell ‘Yokozuna!’ in the air… Mike’s a dude, he knew it was his fault.”

Notable Quotes & Moments

On Forgetting Celebrity Guests:
- “No, Drew, I don’t remember [Shawn Green]. Why are you being a dick? Sorry, whoever you are. Hold on, this isn’t for you. This is for Drew.” (13:53)
On Parenting & Discipline:
- “I’m such a horrible punisher. Plus, if you leave a stack of money on the table… He’s done the Transformer robot vs. the green paper math very quickly.” (24:59)
On American Narcissism & Starbucks Culture:
- “We all have a rider. We’re all in a rock band. Problem is, there is no audience—just everyone behind you wanting coffee.” (61:33)
Doug Benson on Farting:
- “That’s the slogan for the new Superman movie: ‘Faster than the speed of farts!’” (102:58)
On Airline Weigh-Ins:
- “There’d be lines of people making excuses—‘these are really thick jeans!’” (150:10)
On ‘Big Mama Got It All’:
- Running bit about hiring a “big mama” Black woman to handle all phone customer service and crises for the family (“Big Mama Got It All”)—with everyone breaking into character.

Memorable Moments

Live call with Sonny about the missing money—part real parenting, part comedy sketch.
Demonstration of “foreign cab driver” accent bit (with Mohr) about how service workers deflect responsibility.
Litmus-test jokes about who’s hot, who gets prosecuted, and who’s just “freight on a jet.”
Extended, riff-laden “Totally Topical TiVo Trivia” session.
The “penis windbreaker” national lottery.
Real talk/stories about guys drawing dicks on each other in frat days, and not suing when pranks go sideways.

Timestamps: Important Segments

02:00 – Adam’s Seder/brisket/Europhilia monologue
07:25 – The missing money saga begins
28:00 – The “interrogation” of Adam’s son Sonny
40:17 – Postscript, envelope still missing
51:10 – Jay Mohr/traffic/LA social life
57:35 – Starbucks/custom drink rant
103:01 – Fart science and dating etiquette
109:12 – Post-date/car fart confessionals
118:02 – Penis windbreaker lottery
125:38 – Totally Topical TiVo Trivia game
146:00 – Airline “pay by weight” debate
159:27 – Yoga sexual harassment lawsuit rant
175:08 – Drawing penises on passed-out friends/practical joke culture

Tone & Language

Unfiltered, rapid-fire, and irreverent—typical Carolla.
Show balances observational sarcasm, personal stories, and a playful, occasionally blue, sense of humor.
Jokes sometimes stray into envelope-pushing territory with social satire, ethnic accents, and “guy code” nostalgia.

Who Is This Episode For?

Fans of classic Carolla, lovers of off-kilter comedy, and anyone nostalgic for the old radio days will have a blast. If you enjoy sprawling, conversational podcasts with recurring inside jokes, off-the-cuff debates about parenting, pop culture, and American weirdness, this is essential listening.

(Skip to ~94:50 for the transition to the next classic: Doug Benson takes the main stage, continuing the live banter and trivia with a high-energy crowd.)

Loading summary

Transcript1,652 lines

[00:02]
Allison Rosen
As a small business owner, sometimes it
[00:04]
Adam Carolla
feels like no matter how much planning
[00:06]
Allison Rosen
you do, there's always surprises like an urgent, expensive repair. But here's a surprise you will like with progressive. Small business owners save 13% on their
[00:17]
Adam Carolla
commercial auto insurance when they pay in full.
[00:20]
Allison Rosen
So enjoy a surprise for once.
[00:22]
Adam Carolla
Get a quote in as little as 8 minutes@progressivecommercial.com progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates.
[00:28]
Allison Rosen
Discounts not available in all states or situations.
[00:46]
Adam Carolla
Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Cruel. If you'd like to gain access to the Adam Carolla show archive as well as the archives, the admin, Dr. Drew show and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcurla.substack.com Go there, sign up, subscribe, listen, ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics@adamcurilla.com all right, let's get to
[01:10]
Doug Benson
the clips coming up.
[01:11]
Adam Carolla
First we have Adam Carla Show 1042 featuring Jay Moore, Dave Danishek, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.
[01:38]
Doug Benson
Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.
[01:40]
Dave Dameshek
Shut up.
[01:41]
Adam Carolla
Titanic, I'm the king of the World. And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24.
[01:48]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
7.
[01:48]
Adam Carolla
That is so on Pluto TV. Stream now.
[01:51]
Dave Dameshek
Pay never.
[01:52]
Adam Carolla
Oh yeah, that's right.
[01:53]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It's the good Pesach to you, Alison Rosen.
[01:56]
Allison Rosen
I don't know what to say in response.
[01:57]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Just open the door for Elijah, the ghost who comes through the door.
[02:01]
Adam Carolla
That's right. You leave a chair open and you hide some matzah or you swipe it like a credit card.
[02:05]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I imagine you must have gotten invited to your share of Passover seders because like Bernie Kosar, people often mistake you as being one of the chosen people.
[02:15]
Adam Carolla
I was invited. My grandmother surround herself exclusively with gay men and intellectual ass wipes like super blowhard intellectuals. My grandmother had a complex, which is she felt like she came from white trash and she probably did. Her dad was a cement contractor out here. He was successful for a while, then the depression hit. But she came from that and so she was basically Madonna before she was Madonna was, you know, Madonna's decided she's British and European and she'll speak to my seconds and things like that. Meanwhile. So, I mean, so here is. I said, look, she didn't really like this country. It's not that she didn't like this country. She romanticized sort of Europe and she married a European guy. She was the only broad in North Hollywood driving a Peugeot in 1959. I mean, they literally drove European cars. Mercedes, old Mercedes, old Peugeots, like two stroke cars from like East Germany and stuff. Like the kind of stuff where, look, driving a Peugeot is fine, except for a Peugeot's a piece of shit. Like Peugeot's not a good car. And the bad news is you can't find any parts for the piece of shit. That always breaks down because it's 1961 and you're living in the San Fernando Valley. There's not a lot of Peugeot parts places on the corner. So it makes a lot more sense. Just drive a Ford or a gm
[03:45]
Allison Rosen
because it's a lot easier if no one was looking. And if she were totally alone, that's probably what she would have driven, right?
[03:50]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's like the poor guy, the rockabilly guy who has to drive the vintage Mercury. But with the Peugeot, if you need a distributor cap, it's 180 bucks and there's a six month wait if it's on the next container ship. If you drive a Ford, it's $1.99 and we have dozens of them in the back. That's basically. And the car rides and looks and drives and everything the same. But she's European, she married a European guy. She drove European cars. She smoked cigarettes that were colored in a good way, not in a negative way. In a good way. They looked like little ribbons, blue and pink and Easter egg color. Oh, but they were European. She had to get them special. Now, just Marlboro Reds would have been cheaper, easier, more abundant in those days.
[04:35]
Allison Rosen
How would you even get that?
[04:36]
Adam Carolla
You'd have to go to the tobacco store that was in the mall or on the west side and order a box of these cigarettes, which I'm sure were stale by the time they got to your lungs. And it'd be much easier just to go down and get a carton of cigarettes from the corner. But not. That's for the bourgeoisie. So that's how grandma rolled. So she surrounded herself with these blow hard pseudo intellectuals. And they were intellectuals, but they were still blowhards and couldn't really figure out, figure out a way to get their shit Together. But there were professors and they spoke different languages. And there was Jules Mandel. And Jules Mandel spoke fluent French and would speak to the kids only in French. Even though he grew up in the valley, too. He was raised. Kids only spoke to them in French. Because as it turns out, he was right in terms of Los Angeles. That is the language of the future. My gardener, my maid, all of them.
[05:30]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[05:30]
Adam Carolla
Because I don't think.
[05:31]
Allison Rosen
What is this? Little Paris.
[05:32]
Adam Carolla
Yes. I'm at a loss.
[05:34]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Excuse me, monsieur, could you cut the tree back, please?
[05:36]
Allison Rosen
Yes, Mayor C. Very much so.
[05:40]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
He.
[05:42]
Adam Carolla
Once a year, we would go to his house, and for me, all I had to hear was free brisket. Cause the Corollas didn't do a lot of brisketizing. I was like, anything involves brisket and some potatoes or whatever and free food. Count me in. And then we would just sit there with. With Mimi, Rico and Rene and his dog, who he used to talk to in French, too. You know, give the commands. And we would sit there and I would have a paper yarmulke, this sort of thing.
[06:13]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Why? Cause you weren't a real Jew, so they didn't want to waste one of them.
[06:16]
Adam Carolla
You need a yarmulke at the table. But, you know, nobody can invest buck 80 in a real yarmulke. So they put the paper yarmulke on you. On my weirdish 70s Jewish fro, which I couldn't even feel it on there. I'd walk around for days with that thing on. I had no idea what was on there. And put it on. And then Jules would commence to deliver the Seder in English, French and Yiddish.
[06:44]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Oh, no.
[06:45]
Adam Carolla
And I'd just be staring at. I'd just be staring at the brisket getting cold, you know, going, can we eat the brisket already? And he'd be presiding over like, this was his time. This was his moment in the sun. Really? Times like three languages, Right?
[06:59]
Allison Rosen
Because how long.
[06:59]
Adam Carolla
That's when I learned to hate the tears.
[07:01]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It seemed to take 17 hours. You already did in my childhood memory. It seemed like it took forever to get through it. And it was the. Everybody, you would have to read a passage, and then the person next to you would. And. Oh, it was horrific. But, oh, the high comedy that my cousin Mitchell and I had by reading things that were not from the Seder book. Oh, we got scolded. But it was well worth it for our shenanigans.
[07:26]
Adam Carolla
So that was my. Now here's a dilemma off the Seder here for a second. Tell me what you guys would do. I come over here on Friday. I have some cash on me, and I'm sitting on this front table, and I'm sorting it out. I'm sort of putting. Getting little piles of $20 bills and $5 bills.
[07:51]
Allison Rosen
McDuck.
[07:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, like Scrooge McDuck, just like that. And I'm laying it all out on the table, and I have an envelope, one of those banker's envelopes, kind of about the size of a bill, just a little bit bigger, slides in. There's probably between 400 and 800 single $100 bills in this slip. And I'm sitting there and I'm counting that stuff, and I'm putting it aside, and I'm going to give some money to somebody, and I'm working it out, and I get up and I sort of go out, and I come back. I don't go away. I just go to the back of the shop. I'm walking back and forth in front of the shop, and I've done this many times where there's been cash just sort of sitting out on the table. All of a sudden, I go and I sit down, and I come back into my entryway, and there's a crazy human being that is sitting where I'm sitting at my table. And I've since gathered up the money, some of the money, and put it in my pocket. But there's this crazy guy, and he's got books. And when I say crazy, I mean he's got schizophrenia, something. He's Drew's next guest. And I can just tell by his hair and what's going on with him that he's not quite right. He's wearing a shirt that says bipolar on it, you know? Yeah. So he's wearing a bipolar shirt. He looks a little. Looks a little nutty. So he then comes in and does the show, and he's doing the show, and he's in the middle of doing the show with Drew. And I'm packing my stuff off and pay Gary, And I'm getting my stuff together. Not full tart, Gary, half tart. And I'm doing my thing, and I look around, I go, where's that envelope? And I'm very good with putting things sort of out in front of me. I put my sunglasses, my keys, my cell phone. Like I'm not the guy who carries the envelope. Goes to the back, climbs up the ladder to get my race gear down, sets it down up top, and then comes back down and goes, where the hell is that thing? I keep stuff sort of. In front of me. And I'm not a big dropper of things. So I'm like, where's my envelope with the 300, 400, $800 worth of single $100 bills in it? And I'm looking around and I'm asking Matt, and I'm asking Jeff Fox in the editing bay, and I look asking everybody. No one's seen it. No one. I'm checking my pockets. Not my pockets. I go check the car. It's not in the car. I didn't go anywhere. I went to the other warehouse and came back, and it's not around. And I'm looking in the back. I'm looking everywhere. And I realized there was a guy who, you know, bipolar, little bit nutty. And he was sitting where I was sitting with the money the whole time. So they're doing a show now. I don't know. I don't want to leave. I'm assuming, I'm trying to be polite, that he gathered up his books and his papers and what he had laid out, maybe just gathered. Gathered up my little envelope with it. Every day as a small business owner feels like solving a puzzle. One moment you're cruising along, and the next there's a shipping snag that has you scrambling.
[10:51]
Allison Rosen
But here's a surprise you will like with progressive.
[10:54]
Adam Carolla
Small business owners save 13% on their commercial auto insurance when they pay in full.
[10:59]
Allison Rosen
So go ahead, surprise yourself.
[11:02]
Adam Carolla
Get a quote in as little as 8 minutes@progressivecommercial.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Discounts not available in all states or situations. So I come into the studio while they're in the middle of the show, and not only in the middle of the show, they're in the middle of a call. And not only in the middle of a call. Some woman who seems to have some problem with depression and addiction or something. And I do the, like, I gotta put a hand up thing. And they're, like, both looking at me like we're talking to somebody on the air. And I kind of do it off. And Drew gives the. Give it a second. Hold on, let's pause. He takes the headphones off. And I said, look, I'm not saying you stole my money, but there was some money that was out on that table, and I can't find it. And you were sitting there, and maybe when you gathered your stuff up, it just got kind of caught up in your book or the stuff you had. And he said, here's my book. Here's my thing. I got nothing. It's not here, look, this is all I have. And I said, okay, it's just I don't have it out there anymore. And I didn't really go anywhere. And I just thought maybe by mistake somehow got up in your stuff or something.
[12:09]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Did you ask the other half of you? Did you ask him that?
[12:12]
Adam Carolla
Oh, the other part of the body, Right. So I said. So he said, no, I didn't see anything. I didn't see anything.
[12:22]
Allison Rosen
Was he acting normal?
[12:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, he never acted normal, but he was like, I don't have anything.
[12:27]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Eyes darting back and forth, you know, Normal, yeah.
[12:29]
Adam Carolla
He said, I don't have anything. I'm sorry, I don't have anything. And I said, well, maybe it's in your books or something. He sort of spread it out and said, nah, this is it. That's all I got. You can check my jacket or something. And I said, nah, I don't know, maybe it fell out my car or something. And then the show ended and Dr. Drew did. One of my favorite, favorite things, which makes me want to fucking punch him is I'm sitting on the sofa. You remember I said, drew has no emotional IQ whatsoever.
[13:00]
Allison Rosen
Thick was the word you used.
[13:01]
Adam Carolla
Thick. I'm sitting on the sofa in the same place now, checking the seat cushions, looking at. It's maybe $800 of cash that's gone now. And not only is it gone, I didn't lose it at a casino. It didn't fall out of my pocket. I didn't get chased down the street, somebody. I'm in my place where I own this building and now it's gone. I want to know where this fucking cash is. So Drew comes walking in and he does this. I guess it was right after this or right before, but he comes in with a strapping, good looking guy and he says, points at him while I'm sitting on the sofa. And he goes, you remember this guy? Sean Green, ex LA Dodger. And I said,
[13:50]
Allison Rosen
you're laughing because you don't remember. Your thing is not remembering.
[13:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, something. And he's standing there above me with smiling. And I said, and he said, you remember this guy says it again real loud. And I go. And then I start yelling at Drew, no, I'm sorry, whoever you are. Sorry. No, I don't remember him. Why are you being a dick? Why are you fucking coming? Sorry. You person. Hold on. This isn't for you. This for you. Drew, what the fuck are you doing? No, I don't remember him. Now this is uncomfortable. Are you happy? Are you happy? Because I don't remember. I don't know who this individual is. I have no context. I saw him last when we did this celebrity softball game in 2001. And he was a Dodger. He was first off, he was in a ball cap and a white uniform. I've never seen him out of a Dodger uniform. He played for the Dodgers from like, you know, 98 to 03 or something. I don't know what he looks like in street clothes. As a guy wearing a clothes.
[14:51]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It's the entire premise of why Clark Kent can live among us. Because he puts on a pair of glasses, he's not in the red and blue uniform.
[14:59]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Same thing in Drew's mind. Is that why you should know him because he once played celebrity softball with him for an afternoon.
[15:04]
Dave Dameshek
I don't.
[15:06]
Adam Carolla
He's so, so fucked up. I have no fucking idea. What years did he play. He remembered me coming out. All was immediately rectified and Drew and your name was dropped as well, Sheck, because he came in and he said 2000 to 2004. So I met him in 2001. It's been a scant 12 years. And he was wearing a uniform and now he's just standing in front of me. I have no fucking idea who this tan, good looking, athletically built guy is anyway. You remember this guy, like we hung, like we went deep sea fishing last weekend or something. He's such a fucking asshole.
[15:48]
Allison Rosen
At the very least, the assumption I would have would be that he was a guest or something on Loveline.
[15:53]
Adam Carolla
I just was looking at him going. I mean, you can see a picture of the guy when you see him. It's just like he looks sort of familiar, but he's good looking. He looks like he could be an actor. He's an actor or something. He's an athlete. Would anyone know? I mean, I met him 12 years
[16:07]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
ago on could pass as Jim Caviezel star played Jesus.
[16:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah. All was set straight. Immediately though, he goes, I remember you from you and Kimmel coming out to Vero beach trying out the Dodgers. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. And he goes, tommy thought you could have been, could have made it to the show. Bring this up again. I said, sheck goes nuts every time I say that. I said, listen, I know I have a sports guy at the time. Checker would go insane every time he heard this. Because God forbid a compliment be tossed my way. I'm happy for you to be complimented.
[16:41]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
But the delusion being indulged by this daft old man that you Actually ran with and thought, like, yeah, maybe I should be playing big league ball is a little bit loco.
[16:52]
Adam Carolla
No, he said, if I got hold of you when you were 18 and 300 curveballs a day, I could have got you to the show. That's all. He's tunneling the sorter. Maybe he knows something about baseball. I don't know. Just ask Tommy. So immediately brought that up. So all was right with the world. So then he did the guest, and then the bipolar guy did the guest, and then everyone left. And then I said, drew, I think your bipolar guy may have taken some money from me and Drew because he's the world's dumbest doctor. Said, well, I don't know, maybe Sean Green grabbed it somehow. And I said, no, no. Well, first off, I don't know why you're throwing Shawn Green under the bus.
[17:40]
Dave Dameshek
He's.
[17:40]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Cause he's an anti Semite.
[17:41]
Adam Carolla
Oh, that's right. I was sitting the whole time talking to Shawn Green. Shawn was towering over me while I was trying to fucking figure out who he was and yelling at Drew in front of Shawn Green, which I don't care about. He deserves to be humiliated. Not that he can be. It's possible for him to be a millionaire, but he's still multimillionaire.
[17:58]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
He took your 400 bucks.
[17:59]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, he is. No, he's literally, how do you think
[18:03]
Allison Rosen
he has so much money?
[18:03]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Oh, good point.
[18:05]
Adam Carolla
He's driving the Tesla S. Anyone who's driving a Tesla s has put 80 grand down, got on a waiting list two years ago and received. They're doing just fine for themselves, and he's the nicest guy in the world. And I stood up and walked him out. He never sat down. He never spread his stuff out. So I do that thing with Drew, or I go, no, not Shawn Green. His thing is not Shawn Green stole anything, but maybe Shawn Green set his stuff out and gathered it up by mistake. I said, no. Sean stood the whole time I sat. And then I walked him out and said bye to him. And he said, did that thing where he paused. He goes, maybe got with some of his stuff. You know when they go back to the retarded theory. Like, I gotta do one more lap around Retard park before my legs are tired. I said, I got a little more juice left in my quads to go one more lap around Retard Park. And I said, no, Drew, I was sitting here the whole time. So since then, is that an off leash park? Yes, yes. So since then, I said, it's been driving Me nuts. Cause I don't really think. I don't think of people as thieves. I really don't. On the other hand, the guy was sitting where I was sitting. There was an envelope with several hundred dollars sitting in it.
[19:14]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
And he had a T shirt on that said bipolar. I think that maybe suggests he's unstable.
[19:20]
Adam Carolla
Later on, when I was telling, you know, Matt, I had to do the look through the trash can, see if I got thrown away. Look outside, see if somehow. Somehow got swept up and thrown out. Or maybe I took the bills out and threw away. The carcass of the envelope would be laying around if I just. Maybe I used all the bills and I somehow spaced out on it, but there would still be the envelope laying around. Couldn't find the envelope anywhere. So later on I spoke to Gary or tonight when I was walking in, and Gary said that this gentleman had been convicted for what? High end art forgery.
[20:01]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
No, definitely Shawn Green. Let's not take Shawn Green out of the equation gesture.
[20:08]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
He's a person of interest.
[20:09]
Adam Carolla
He's still a person. Yeah, he's still up on the corkboard with a pin through him with a question mark. All right, so he's no stranger to thievery, at least on a higher end.
[20:20]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
This Sean Green stole many home runs from.
[20:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, from opposing pitchers. What are we working out of it? So what do we now? What am I to conclude? There's really nothing to do except for yell more. Drew.
[20:36]
Allison Rosen
Drew just. Did he address whether he thought it was possible this guy could have done it or was he just focused on Sean Green?
[20:44]
Adam Carolla
Drew immediately went into sort of. Well, he didn't. He didn't kind of protection. Well, what he would do. He wanted to avoid whatever was going on. I say, Drew owes me $500. He brought a fox into my henhouse and I'm light some eggs. It's more. See, for me, it's never. It's really the few hundred bucks. Maybe it was 700, 800 bucks. I don't like having that removed from me. I don't like the part where I think I'm nuts. Like, what happened?
[21:16]
Allison Rosen
What did I do
[21:18]
Adam Carolla
sitting here.
[21:19]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
The money still has not been found.
[21:21]
Adam Carolla
No, absolutely not. The envelope and the money are gone. They remain gone. And that was days ago.
[21:28]
Allison Rosen
Now it could be any one of us.
[21:29]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
They went anyway.
[21:30]
Allison Rosen
Although it couldn't really because we weren't here Friday.
[21:32]
Adam Carolla
Fly through my mind. Oh, there were. Yeah. But some of the lower level guys were here.
[21:36]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Post script.
[21:37]
Allison Rosen
I've never trusted them.
[21:38]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
They went into a spectacular Feast at the seder table at John Green's home. So you'll be pleased to know that brisket as far as the eye could see. And, you know, bitter herbs and unleavened bread.
[21:52]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah. Roasted. Roasted. All right. Manna from heaven, everybody. Now gone. You want to help me make a little that money back? Audible.com, baby. You support our fine sponsors like Audible.com they support the show. I can make some of that envelope back. They have over 100,000 books to choose from, including not Taco bell material. And 50 years will all be chicks. Hey, those are my books. And they're offering you a free book. You can try them out for free. What do you do? You go to audible.comace that's audible.com ace. You get all the details and, yeah, give me some of that money back. That's audible.com Ace Halftime. Is there any other explanation for where this money went? It's not just the money. It was an envelope. The envelope is gone. There's no empty envelope. There's no envelope in the trash can.
[22:53]
Doug Benson
The only other person in the building was Sonny.
[22:55]
Adam Carolla
I don't see Santino taking 800 bucks. No, Sonny wasn't here. Sonny wasn't here that day. But he does. Yeah, he was. He's light with the fingers.
[23:03]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
He was here.
[23:04]
Adam Carolla
Oh, Was he here?
[23:05]
Doug Benson
100%. And he noticed the money and made
[23:07]
Adam Carolla
a comment about it.
[23:08]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
But the other guy. Seriously?
[23:12]
Adam Carolla
I didn't really want to bring this up until we were on air, but.
[23:15]
Doug Benson
Whoa.
[23:17]
Allison Rosen
The plot thickens.
[23:21]
Adam Carolla
Give me a second.
[23:23]
Allison Rosen
This makes Natalia stealing 40 nothing.
[23:26]
Adam Carolla
That little raccoon was running around here. It's just a waste of my time. Untethered.
[23:33]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Oh,
[23:36]
Doug Benson
he made a comment about the money on the table.
[23:39]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Get him on the phone.
[23:40]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I was just thinking that.
[23:41]
Doug Benson
I checked that backpack.
[23:43]
Dave Dameshek
This is awesome.
[23:44]
Adam Carolla
He did steal the 40. He stole the 40.
[23:47]
Allison Rosen
Oh, so he has a history of
[23:48]
Adam Carolla
crime as well and did a little counterfeit art stuff in the 80s. Yeah, not a lot. Mostly Monet.
[23:55]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[23:55]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, right. All right. Let's see if we can get Sonny on the call.
[23:59]
Dave Dameshek
What happens then?
[24:00]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
What happens if he is. What if he is the culprit?
[24:03]
Adam Carolla
Then I owe two people. I can't hold an apology. I'm one person. It's two people. An apology. Number one, Not Sean Green and the bipolar guy, but just both. The bipolar guy? Yeah. Call Lynette. I gotta talk to Sean.
[24:18]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It is a great scheme, though. For the record, I might get myself one of them bipolar T shirts just to walk around and it's always an excuse. Dr. Drew, professionals are never gonna charge you with a crime. Was it? We saw that played out in the Ed Norton picture, right, With Richard Gere.
[24:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[24:31]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Cry on Fair.
[24:32]
Dave Dameshek
Is that.
[24:33]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Is that what it was called?
[24:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, that was the me.
[24:35]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It was the other guy.
[24:35]
Adam Carolla
Better yet to be a light fingered six year old and bring in the stooge with the. With the bipolar shirt to sit down where daddy was counting the do re mi. Is this any he slides into the studio and you.
[24:50]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
This is interesting.
[24:51]
Adam Carolla
We're going to have to work this out. Oh, Gary.
[24:53]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
So what do you have in your brain? Is it too soon to start conjuring what the repercussions will be for young Sonny?
[25:00]
Adam Carolla
I'm such a horrible punisher. Plus, if you leave a whole stack of money on the table in front of people who. He's done the toy, you know, he's done the Transformer robot versus the green paper stuff that Daddy brings home math very, very quickly.
[25:19]
Dave Dameshek
So there's.
[25:20]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
But if he can cut out the middleman, he figures. Yeah, namely you.
[25:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[25:23]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
And the Transformers will run free.
[25:26]
Adam Carolla
Oh, boy, I feel like someone would have found it in the wash by now or something. All right, well, we'll see if we're
[25:34]
Allison Rosen
the circumstances of him stealing the 40.
[25:36]
Adam Carolla
Oh, it's a 40 ouncer. I'm sorry, that wasn't money. Well, I mean, it cost Daddy $7. Yeah. And I shouldn't have left it on the roof of the car, but lesson learned. It just, you know, what happens is Daddy comes home, empties daddy's pockets out onto the, you know, stand, nightstand, whatever. And there's some change and some bills and some keys and some stuff like that. And every once in a while it just shows. We found 40 in his backpack. Oh, yeah, so he didn't. He should have laundered it with some Ninjago toys, which is normally his plan. Now we're gonna try to find this out. All right, can we get him on the phone? Gary? No. No answer.
[26:17]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Dang.
[26:19]
Adam Carolla
Let's cut the wires, make his getaway. Do what I do when I'm on the road, which is call 10,000 times in a row.
[26:28]
Doug Benson
That's what I'm doing.
[26:29]
Adam Carolla
And then have that conversation where you go, look, I call in between shows at about 8 o' clock your time to say bye to kids. And I always like this answer the phone was in the room with us, like, all right, well then now we need a CAT scan. Cause I called 21 times between 8 and 814 your time when I was doing my shows from the east coast and nobody picked up the phone.
[26:52]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
He's in a white Bronco making for the Mexican border. Natalia's driving the car. He's sitting in the backseat. He's got a disguise. That does not mean he's guilty.
[27:01]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
But you know who this is?
[27:02]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah. NC's driving.
[27:06]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Hey, by the way, real quick, Sean Green, do you still play? Remember what was that, seven years ago now? Same name game. You still play? Same name game. How were the rules of that? Sean Green, the baseball player, Sean Green spelled completely differently. The New York jets running back. How about that? Same name game.
[27:25]
Adam Carolla
Both professional athletes, though. But they're two pretty different characters. Look, it's a four.
[27:30]
Dave Dameshek
Let's take it.
[27:31]
Adam Carolla
You got a stand up single.
[27:32]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I'm doing better than usual. In that case.
[27:34]
Adam Carolla
All right Now, Sonny, in 90 seconds, what's our strategy? I don't think we ask. I think we tell them. You know what I mean?
[27:43]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I feel uncomfortable infringing on your parenting. This is a one parent I don't want.
[27:48]
Adam Carolla
I pay somebody to parent a small armor of people I employ to parent.
[27:52]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Well, I already have my hands full.
[27:53]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Let's let.
[27:54]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[27:54]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Well, I'm wondering what is the best
[27:56]
Allison Rosen
way to get the answer out of a 6 year old?
[27:59]
Adam Carolla
I don't think you asked.
[28:00]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I think you say, we found something. I think you may have taken it.
[28:04]
Adam Carolla
Right. I don't know.
[28:05]
Allison Rosen
Oh, that's good.
[28:06]
Adam Carolla
Thank you. Okay. Sonny. Hi, dad. Hi, dad. Hi, Sonny. Hey, Sonny. Remember the other day when you came to the shop with Daddy?
[28:18]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yeah.
[28:19]
Adam Carolla
And Daddy was counting his money on the table?
[28:22]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yeah.
[28:23]
Adam Carolla
Daddy's missing some of his money and I know that you took some of that money and Daddy needs it back. Okay, I can take it. Don't lie to Daddy, Sonny. Dad, I'm not. Daddy's missing money from the table and Daddy needs it back.
[28:45]
Dave Dameshek
Wait, I have a question for you.
[28:47]
Adam Carolla
Yes?
[28:47]
Dave Dameshek
Know when you put the money in the white thing?
[28:50]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[28:51]
Adam Carolla
Did you look in there?
[28:58]
Dave Dameshek
Spoiled again.
[28:59]
Adam Carolla
Did I look into the white envelope?
[29:02]
Dave Dameshek
Yes.
[29:03]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah, I'm missing that, Sonny. Well, did you look on the other
[29:08]
Dave Dameshek
page, on the other place where you. The other place where you took all the other money?
[29:17]
Adam Carolla
I. I looked all over and I think maybe by mistake you may have taken it with you. So I need you to find it for me.
[29:27]
Dave Dameshek
Okay, I'll try to find him. I don't think I took it.
[29:31]
Adam Carolla
Well, wait a minute now you don't think you took it? What the. What the hell was that? Holy shit. Look it could be worse. You could be in a fire. This has gone horribly wrong. I'm raising a thief. Or Olga is. Oh, yeah, Olga. Oh, I'm gonna have some crossovers. She's the one.
[29:59]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
She's the mastermind. She's the one that needs to be taken to task.
[30:03]
Adam Carolla
Listen, when I pay you to raise my son, part of that money goes to teach him between right and wrong. Do you understand me, you witch? You're wasting my time now. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, that was Brian. Oh, sure. Everyone does. Sonny. There. All right, Sonny, I need you to find that envelope with the money, okay? Now, the good news is there's a reward.
[30:30]
Dave Dameshek
About what?
[30:31]
Adam Carolla
Shiny metal money. Shiny, round metal money is what you're going to get when you give me my little envelope back with the boring, worthless, dirty green paper money, okay? How much is it? How much is the reward?
[30:49]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yeah, the negotiations have begun.
[30:54]
Adam Carolla
I should have put one of those explosive dye packs in there.
[31:01]
Dave Dameshek
Better make it $100.
[31:03]
Adam Carolla
All right, now listen to me. Daddy's angry. I want that money back. Do you understand me?
[31:08]
Dave Dameshek
Yes.
[31:09]
Adam Carolla
All right, now you go find it. Where is it? Go find it right now.
[31:13]
Dave Dameshek
Okay, I'll try to find it.
[31:15]
Adam Carolla
Where did you hide it?
[31:17]
Dave Dameshek
I didn't hide it, dad.
[31:20]
Adam Carolla
Go find it. Go find it. Give it to Mommy. Go find it. Go find that envelope and give it to Mommy. Okay, Give it to Mommy. Count it first. Count it, then give it to Mommy. You guys are tearing up. Well, listen, Mommy, I think larceny. Well, tell what happened. Well, there was money. All right? I don't know. It's the greatest moment in podcast history. I don't know what happened. There was money on the table. I was counting the money on the table.
[32:03]
Dave Dameshek
At home?
[32:04]
Adam Carolla
No, here at the shop. Sonny had commented on the money on the table. Then Drew brought in an insane person he met on Twitter. That person was sitting where I. After I got up and walked to the back of the shop, I found the insane person sitting where I was sitting. Then the money was missing. I assumed the insane adult had taken it, but I didn't know that. Your son. That's Olga's son.
[32:35]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
How dare you.
[32:36]
Adam Carolla
Sorry. You and Olga's son could have engaged in such behavior that I did not know. Now, he commented on the money, and he also commented on the envelope. That envelope may be somewhere.
[32:52]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It's a red flag. Yeah, the white envelope.
[32:55]
Adam Carolla
Red flag.
[32:55]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yeah.
[32:56]
Dave Dameshek
Mm. I don't think he took it.
[32:58]
Allison Rosen
Well, could he have been a witness? Did he see the insane.
[33:02]
Adam Carolla
Don't. Don't. Ask.
[33:04]
Dave Dameshek
He said, no, he didn't take it.
[33:06]
Adam Carolla
What's he gonna say when he. When we found the 40 on him? He said he was keeping it safe.
[33:11]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah, but he tells me the truth.
[33:13]
Adam Carolla
No, don't.
[33:14]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
He's a criminal mastermind. This lie is nothing to him.
[33:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, he's Kaiser Sosei. Look, tell him to walk you upstairs and to take you to the envelope, all right? Do you want to be on the phone for that? Yes. If he takes you to the envelope, he won't be. Hey, stop telling him he didn't take it, though. I'm not saying anything. He's telling me what he did. You left it there, and what?
[33:39]
Allison Rosen
I left it there.
[33:40]
Adam Carolla
And opened the black transformer toy.
[33:43]
Dave Dameshek
And opened the black transformer toy. You did not take the money.
[33:48]
Adam Carolla
I didn't take the money.
[33:50]
Dave Dameshek
He said he didn't take it.
[33:51]
Adam Carolla
Adam, go upstairs. Go to where he hides. All right? I'll tell you What. Pump about 1000ccs of sodium pentothal in him. I keep it in my underwear drawer.
[34:05]
Dave Dameshek
I'll text Gary back with the answer, but I'll tell you.
[34:07]
Adam Carolla
All right? Tell him to take you to where he put the money.
[34:11]
Dave Dameshek
Okay?
[34:11]
Adam Carolla
But don't keep saying you didn't take it, did you?
[34:13]
Dave Dameshek
No, no.
[34:14]
Adam Carolla
I won't pretend like he took it. Would you, please? All right. Thank you. Thank you. I wish you weren't a liar.
[34:21]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
That was emotionally traumatizing for you. My heart goes out to you, Adam, but I think you handled that beautifully.
[34:28]
Adam Carolla
Really? Yeah. Well, thank you. All right, mothers, that's what they do.
[34:32]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
As a rule this. This weekend, little Jean Claude Van Damask just started baseball. Four years old. Too young, probably. But he got there, and he started crying.
[34:40]
Dave Dameshek
I want to go home. I want to go home.
[34:42]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I said, that's not an option. You can't go home.
[34:44]
Adam Carolla
I want to go home.
[34:46]
Dave Dameshek
Mama says I get.
[34:47]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
You know that you leave the door open. That's not an option to leave. It's not up to you whether you stay or go now. Same thing.
[34:55]
Adam Carolla
Same with the getting on the roller coaster. The Matterhorn. When we went to Disneyland, Sonny broke down and started to do the I want. And Lynette looked into teary eyes and said, you don't. And I. You have to go. And then it's mama, daddy square down in the not so okay corral, going onto the Matterhorn, because I'm like, let's. Let's do it. And they're giving the yeah in the meh Corral. Oh, wait a minute. I gotta get that Let me try it again. Try it again.
[35:22]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
In the Meh Corral with the not so okay.
[35:26]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Am I like not so okay?
[35:29]
Adam Carolla
That gets my vote.
[35:31]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I'm sorry, buddy, but the OK Corral is a thing. What's the Mad Corral?
[35:36]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
That would be a synonym for the not so.
[35:38]
Adam Carolla
Who would pick that up?
[35:39]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Nobody would know what you're talking about. You have to hear, like. Wait.
[35:42]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
What did you say?
[35:42]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Did you say meh? The not so okay Corral. Now, that word.
[35:46]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Sorry, I thought meh was a thing. Meh.
[35:49]
Adam Carolla
Well, yeah, but it's not connected to. Oh, it's not so okay Corral.
[35:54]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
It's three steps too far for anyone to follow.
[35:56]
Adam Carolla
That really is. Wow. Allison, did you get that check?
[36:00]
Allison Rosen
I didn't get it. I'm sorry.
[36:02]
Adam Carolla
All right. Oh, for three. And then the 350,000 people.
[36:06]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Sean Green. And Sean Green was better than the Matt Corral.
[36:11]
Adam Carolla
We got a four and a minus four. Look out, world. Taking over the comedy world. All right, we have a real celebrity. Jay Moore out there. He's waiting. Why don't we do. Let's see. What do you got? Well, let's get to the creep of the week.
[36:24]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Let's just jump over sports. We'll get right to the creep of the week.
[36:28]
Adam Carolla
Oh, Hollywood, we got a lot of stuff to get to.
[36:30]
Dave Dameshek
Hit it bald.
[36:31]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
You want us. Creep of the week.
[36:32]
Adam Carolla
Creep of the week. Forget the sports. We don't have time.
[36:35]
Allison Rosen
Thank God.
[36:38]
Adam Carolla
Crepe crepe.
[36:39]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Creep of the week. Of the week. Sunny, or she is the creep of the week. Now, heaven forbid. I would never charge the poor boy with a crime like this. I'll let his old man do that. These are grim times over at the Corral.
[36:56]
Adam Carolla
Mention the envelope.
[36:58]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Let me tell you something. Two things. Very quickly, I went. While you're, you know, you have your own stuff to deal with. In front of baseball practice, I take the two kids to Carnies, the hot dog joint, you know, on Ventura.
[37:12]
Dave Dameshek
Mm.
[37:13]
Allison Rosen
And you know, they're.
[37:14]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Listen, they're four and they're five, so they're rambunctious. Of course. They run around to and fro. They're loud. It's a hot dog joint. After all. That's where kids go. They're not. It's not a place for fine dining. You don't go on a. On an anniversary date there or anything. It's hot and Sunny.
[37:29]
Adam Carolla
Not the 10th.
[37:30]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
We sit down. We sit. We're waiting. We're waiting for our food out there. They're running all over an old lady Gets up and walks inside after making the gigantic the cartoon
[37:45]
Adam Carolla
put upon exhale.
[37:47]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
So then we go to get our food inside. I decide I'm gonna go inside. She turns around, says, oh, are you going inside now? And then turns around and walks back to the seat.
[37:58]
Adam Carolla
It's a giant.
[37:58]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
What kind of outrageous behavior is this? Who you think you are?
[38:02]
Adam Carolla
It's a giant choo choo train. Chili dogs. I'll tell you, worse than the put upon old woman who expects a fine dining atmosphere inside a train when she's ordering her hot dogs. The worst part about carnies is that line gets long on a Saturday and Sunday and they roll those hot dogs out like it's a conveyor belt. They have the heavy set Latin women back there just spreading that mustard on and moving on, moving on. The problem is people go there and they order the taco salad. And when they order the taco salad, the haunchy Mexican broad has to go to the caboose to go get the avocados out and start cutting those up. And it's like, I've had people order. Like I remember it was great. Because I'm saying, you know, we're waiting in line, of course, I lean over the guy next to me and I'm like, you're getting the taco salad and you're getting the tuna melt and you're fucking everything up here. It's carny's. Get a hot dog, get a hamburger. That's it. Get a chili dog. Keep the line moving. You know, if you want taco salad, go to any one of the many restaurants that dot this Ventura Boulevard. And it's not like they make the greatest hot dogs in the world. And the best taco salad, like, that's impossible. Nobody does that. And the guy next to me went, I got a veggie burger. And I see him going to the back to get like, the veggie patties fucked everything up. All right. Lynette has a long response, but he didn't take it. All right, all right. What is Lynette's response? I'm sorry about the creep of the week. He did not take the money. He said he learned his lesson last time. He 100% did not take it. He said he sat on the orange couch counting the money.
[39:48]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Then dad sat with me and told
[39:49]
Adam Carolla
dad how much it was. Then he asked if he could open his Transformer toy. Then a fat guy came in and sat where Sonny was sitting. That's what he said, but he didn't take it. Sat where daddy was Sitting, but correct. Yeah.
[40:02]
Allison Rosen
Was the insane guy fat?
[40:05]
Adam Carolla
He was a little heavier when he left. Probably about 800 bucks heavier when he left. Yeah. Now this is worse.
[40:17]
Allison Rosen
Well, who seemed more believable when you called them on it? Bipolar or Sonny? Because they both are denying it.
[40:24]
Adam Carolla
We got to get them both.
[40:25]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
We do. You gotta get them.
[40:27]
Adam Carolla
I waterboard them.
[40:28]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Absolutely. What was the name of the movie again, with Ed Norton?
[40:31]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Primal fear.
[40:32]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Primal Fear 2. They put you. You try all three of them. Both the bipolar 2 personality, one of them.
[40:38]
Adam Carolla
I'm putting this one on Sonny. Like I said, he's got to launder it through Ninjago or Transformers. So I gotta come after. I gotta. I gotta search the kid now.
[40:48]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yeah.
[40:49]
Allison Rosen
Well, the good news, if it's him, is that it's there somewhere.
[40:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Sort of good news.
[40:56]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
You know what? I'm not. This is too exciting. Anything I have to say at this point will be anticlimactic. I'm excited about my Indiana Hoosiers in the tournament, and that's that. I would like to say a shout out, if I may be brown nosing for your prime guest, your main guest, Jay Moore. Thank goodness. On behalf of all people who don't want to have to listen to Colin Cowherd blow hard every morning, Jay Moore finally giving us a nice alternative to that creep of creeps. How about that? Colin Cowherd, just for his body of work over the last decade, you're the creep of the week.
[41:29]
Dave Dameshek
Taste the blaster.
[41:31]
Allison Rosen
That's it.
[41:32]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Lynette was just going on a Colin Coward.
[41:35]
Doug Benson
Now he's saying that he saw you
[41:36]
Adam Carolla
put the envelope in your pocket.
[41:38]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Ooh, that is. He went one step too far. Yeah, he was off the hook, potentially. And then he didn't have to say it. He's a criminal who wants to get caught.
[41:49]
Adam Carolla
Lynette. Tell Lynette to tell him. Daddy knows when he's gilding the lily. He'll know what I mean. He's wise beyond his years. No, he thinks like an 8 year old.
[42:01]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
This is a real chess match you have with your eight year old son.
[42:06]
Adam Carolla
Hulu. Who? Who? Lou who? Hulu. Hulu plus. Baby, you like watching tv, Hulu? I like watching tv. You want to watch whatever you want whenever you want, Hulu. Comedy Central shows, Fox shows, ABC shows, NBC shows, they're all there and they're all under. Who? Lou Plus. That's right. You can watch the Man Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Dancing with the Stars, Family Guy, Celebrity Apprentice. They all sound familiar to me. You can watch on your smartphone and your Tablet and your TV using your PS3, Xbox 360, Blu Ray, or Sheck's favorite device, Roku.
[42:53]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Can you imagine if I could watch Roku being made on Hulu with Lemieux?
[43:00]
Adam Carolla
Oh, work that into a sentence and work. Lemieux and who else?
[43:05]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Hey, Chichu and Tamu, get over here. Lemieux on tv. Cummy's on Hulu over here. Come on. Bring the Roku.
[43:15]
Adam Carolla
$7.99 a month. That's just 79amonth. $7.99 a month. But my listeners get a special extended free trial. Just go to huluplus.com adam or click on the hulu plus banner on adamcarolla.com
[43:30]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I must be some disappointment to my parents. Why look at you saying Hulu who? At least I didn't swipe $800 from the old man, though.
[43:41]
Adam Carolla
Wow.
[43:41]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Only that it's Sonny. According to Sonny.
[43:44]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
All right, it's in his pocket somewhere.
[43:46]
Adam Carolla
Baldy. Let's do a little Baldiwood. Should we? And then we'll bring Jay Moore in. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he sees up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spend bucks, remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit.
[44:17]
Dave Dameshek
Transformers.
[44:18]
Adam Carolla
To hooray for bounty ward
[44:23]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Dick Banks.
[44:24]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yeah, there he is. The movie I saw this week was Olympus Has Fallen. Yeah, Big action movie came out this weekend, directed by Anton Fuqua, who started off at the Big Bang with Training Day and hasn't done much since.
[44:38]
Adam Carolla
But this is his latest effort, his dad, Frenchie Steeler. Great.
[44:42]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yes, very nice.
[44:43]
Adam Carolla
Thank you.
[44:44]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
33. The guy who supposedly, allegedly, according to Jack Tatum, the late, not so great, the evil Jack Tatum touched the ball, therefore invalidating the immaculate reception. I'm sorry, Bald. Back to you.
[44:57]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
It's okay. This film stars Gerard Butler or Jerry Butler, as, you know. Aaron Eckhart. Aaron Eckhart as the President of the United States. Morgan Freeman's in it. Angela Bassett, Robert Forster, Dylan McDermott, Ashley Judd, and Oscar winner Melissa Leo from the Fighter.
[45:11]
Adam Carolla
It's weird. Now that we have a real black president, the president goes back to white.
[45:18]
Allison Rosen
It's true.
[45:19]
Adam Carolla
When we had white president, we always had white. There'd always be black presidents and all the action movies and things like that. It's weird. We have anything but just what we have.
[45:29]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
All right, that's funny you mentioned that. Morgan Freeman plays the acting president in this movie when he's pressed into service because the President's been taken hostage.
[45:36]
Adam Carolla
Oh, so we are back then.
[45:37]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
That's right. And by the way, there's actually a competing project being released in a few months. The same thing about a White House takeover by terrorists. And this one stars Jamie Foxx as the President. Also Channing Tatum, Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Woods. He'll look for that in a few weeks.
[45:50]
Adam Carolla
The piercing in Morgan Freeman's ear, I give him a cultural pass. But dumber piercing Morgan Freeman, you know, putting that in on his 56th birthday or Harrison Ford on his 61st.
[46:05]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Well, listen, I mean, you're talking about the man. You're talking about Han Solo. You're talking about Indiana Jones. The fact that he wears a stud in his ear is a goddamn outrage.
[46:15]
Adam Carolla
And that's all I have to say about it. It's Harrison Ford, like, you know, really put me over the top in this pussy department. Just a little stud right here. Finally get myself some tail. All right, so that's maybe the sillier one. I want to see this movie.
[46:27]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
This is the first screenplay by the writing team. I can't pronounce Creighton Rothenberger, not Rothlessberger, but Rothenberger and Kitten Benedict. This is not a bad movie. This is getting only about 51% on rotten tomatoes, but it is good dumb fun. In fact, it's a perfect movie to get 50% on Rotten Tomatoes because you're either in all the way or you're just like, this is too stupid for me. But if you're into big blow up action movies, right, this is the big blow up action movie for you. Starts off as sort of an homage to Cliffhanger. There's a little cliffhanger in the beginning, and then it becomes Die Hard in the White House. Die Hard meets Taken, maybe, but it's exactly what it advertises. There's a lot of explosions, a lot of fights, a lot of neck snapping. The President gets taken hostage and yeah, I would call it mindless, you want to call it.
[47:12]
Adam Carolla
But fun.
[47:13]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
But fun. But fun and stupid. And the dialogue is ridiculous. The whole premise is pretty absurd.
[47:18]
Adam Carolla
But go have fun with it. Go get high and watch a movie.
[47:21]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Go watch it. But then again, maybe you should go get the 1980 classic Red dawn and listen to one Adam Carolla and one Dave Damaschek talk about. Oh, yeah, in the talking track, which you can find@adamcarolla.com yes, the basic cable commentary.
[47:34]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yes, there are a couple trailers which are interesting Which I saw before the movie. Number one.
[47:38]
Doug Benson
Dag.
[47:39]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Our own David Alan Greer is gonna be in a new Tyler Perry Presents movie. Not directed by Tyler Perry, but Tyler Perry Presents. Yeah, he's gonna be in it. He's gonna be the star. So we'll have to see if he had any.
[47:48]
Adam Carolla
The further interaction with him, the further Tyler can get away from the movie. Peoples, Peoples. The further.
[47:54]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Last name P, E, E, L. Yes. Last name Peoples. Yes.
[47:58]
Adam Carolla
It's like House of Pain. The last name is Pain. He's so clever, by the way. He's got a new, you know, thriller, like, sexy thriller coming out.
[48:07]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, right.
[48:07]
Adam Carolla
You can always tell. Never a good thing. Because it's coming out on Friday and if you go to Rotten Tomatoes, there's no critics score. So usually when you have something that you're pretty proud of, you hand it off to the critics. So it was Tyler Perry written and Tyler Perry directed. Now it's Tyler Perry from the Imagination of Tyler Perry. I will see a movie that says Tyler Perry had nothing to fucking do with this project at all. That, to me, is the most attractive.
[48:35]
Allison Rosen
Tyler Perry doesn't even know about this.
[48:36]
Adam Carolla
He is such a horrible, horrible writer. You really must watch his first couple of films to know just what a horrible writer is. And by the way, you want to know what an intellectual giant I am? I went to Laguna Seca. I raced cars. This weekend I got a hotel room. Five guys all stay in the room. That's Max Zapata. That's Gary. Not Halftard. Oh, no. That's Jeff Fox. That's Matt d', Andrea, myself. And who we missing in that group?
[49:07]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
What do you mean you stay in the same room?
[49:09]
Adam Carolla
We're missing Rob. No, one bed. I love these guys. They start grabbing bathrobes and pillows and making their own beds.
[49:17]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Making forts.
[49:18]
Adam Carolla
Making forts.
[49:20]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Who existence was this?
[49:21]
Adam Carolla
We all sit around and drink Mangria and we watch TV on tbs. And at a certain point, I knew it was time to go to bed because I showed up. Watched the last three quarters of Fast and Furious and then. And then Fast and Furious.
[49:38]
Dave Dameshek
I love it.
[49:39]
Adam Carolla
Fast and Furious was on again. Watched it a second time, but I got to the point where I walked in on it the first time and I went, all right, 15 more minutes, and then I'm turning in. And good times were had.
[49:51]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Look, times are tough.
[49:51]
Adam Carolla
Chris Maxapata there.
[49:52]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Ever since Adam got robbed for $800, times have been tough.
[49:56]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
I hear that's Tyler Perry's next project, actually. Sunny Scandal.
[50:00]
Adam Carolla
Tightening time. All right. The great Jay Moore is waiting out there. So. Oh, Dave Dameshek podcast. Dave Damasek football program. Get it on iTunes. Website davedamichek.NFL.com and Twitter him amishek. Always a great job. Dave Damaschek.
[50:16]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
A pleasure to see everybody and good pacing.
[50:18]
Adam Carolla
Quick break. Jay Moore in now. And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show. Dave Line, Grantsboro, North Carolina. A 30 year old woman was arrested for illegally tattooing her 11 year old daughter. Definitely not a Jew. Yeah, Jay Moore.
[50:56]
Dave Dameshek
What's happening?
[50:58]
Adam Carolla
Back video. We have a. Sorry, Jaymar, this is very, very confusing night. By the way, live show me and Jay at the Wiltern. And that's a big theater out here in Southern California.
[51:10]
Dave Dameshek
It's in Koreatown.
[51:12]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[51:12]
Dave Dameshek
Oddly never. Koreans are in it.
[51:14]
Adam Carolla
No, no.
[51:15]
Dave Dameshek
They stand on the outside hitting golf
[51:17]
Adam Carolla
when Margaret Joe opens up for Jeff Dunham. Could be the one.
[51:21]
Dave Dameshek
A couple huge Jeff Dunham fans.
[51:23]
Adam Carolla
What? Yeah, they are. It has the most creative name you'll ever see. It's on the corner of Wilshire and Western and thus it's called the Wiltern.
[51:33]
Dave Dameshek
I never knew that. That's August 3rd, I believe.
[51:36]
Adam Carolla
And do we have a video? There's. All right. Oh, there's crying, Sonny. I'm not buying these. And I don't know why they come. Crocodile tears accuse me of stealing his
[51:50]
Allison Rosen
money, which I didn't because I want
[51:54]
Adam Carolla
to go and open my toy and
[51:56]
Allison Rosen
there's two extra stacks of $20 left.
[52:01]
Adam Carolla
Then this fat guy walked in the door.
[52:03]
Allison Rosen
He sat there and took his money.
[52:07]
Dave Dameshek
The fat guy took his money?
[52:09]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[52:10]
Adam Carolla
Did you see him do it?
[52:11]
Allison Rosen
He picked up the money.
[52:14]
Adam Carolla
But it was still there.
[52:16]
Allison Rosen
But the money was still there. Yeah, so did.
[52:19]
Adam Carolla
But did dad take the money away or did that. Dad came back.
[52:24]
Allison Rosen
Came back in for a second. I asked him, what is that money for? I asked him, is it for me? He said no.
[52:32]
Adam Carolla
And he took it and put in the white envelope. But you didn't take it. I didn't take it. You promise?
[52:39]
Allison Rosen
Promise.
[52:40]
Adam Carolla
You telling the truth? I'm telling the truth. I believe you. I believe. Sweat his ass.
[52:46]
Dave Dameshek
You're welcome.
[52:47]
Adam Carolla
You see that? Zero dark thirty. That'll look like Bambi when I get home. I'm gonna.
[52:55]
Dave Dameshek
You're too good to these kids, Adam. The kids stole your money.
[52:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, he stole my money, right? Oh, wow.
[53:01]
Dave Dameshek
The kids got your hoodwink.
[53:04]
Adam Carolla
I loved you on that Phil Spector thing, by the way.
[53:06]
Dave Dameshek
You know I got a funny wig.
[53:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you got a few of Them.
[53:09]
Dave Dameshek
Everybody's gotta die. I want a wall of sounds and then I want to hide the gunshots. It was a long range plan, Adam. Make the sound so loud you don't hear the gun go off.
[53:22]
Adam Carolla
I'll tell you the thing I love most about that.
[53:24]
Dave Dameshek
What's that?
[53:25]
Adam Carolla
He went to like the Palm Palms. Oh, no, he went to Dan Tanner's. He ordered like a dinner salad and a Zima and he left a $500 tip. Like, the greatest thing about that night is he went to Dan Tanna's, ordered one cocktail. This is how, by the way, this is how you know people are making royalty money when you can just give it away. Like someone will find it. But he ordered a $7 cocktail and left a $500 tip.
[53:55]
Dave Dameshek
I remember when I waited tables and I hated when people tipped me 15%. That's for you, baby. That might be the next Ronnie Spector. Adam, be my little baby. Bring Daddy Azima.
[54:08]
Adam Carolla
Now, Jay Moore, by the way, not only with me doing a show at the Wiltern Theater, Saturday, August 3rd at 8pm but of course, more stories. And the podcast also. It was. Sorry, it was a $55 bill with a 500,000. Sorry, $500 tip.
[54:28]
Dave Dameshek
That's a lot of fives.
[54:29]
Adam Carolla
That's a lot of fives. And it's a very generous tip whenever
[54:32]
Dave Dameshek
that man has no hair over there.
[54:34]
Adam Carolla
Nine times what the actual bill is. More stories. You can get it on itunes. And of course, J. Moore Sports Monday through Friday. Well, it's syndicated. It's noon to 3 Eastern, and we enjoy it from 9 to noon out here, but you can find it nearby. Now, what's it like for you? Because I drove out to your house to do your podcast and I remember thinking, Jay lives in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. But he's a little out there, a little off the beaten path on the west side. And if he ever had to get back this way, it would be tough with LA traffic.
[55:12]
Dave Dameshek
Took me two hours to get here.
[55:14]
Adam Carolla
Two hours. Yeah, yeah. And that's what I'm saying now. What about mornings?
[55:18]
Dave Dameshek
No, coming in this direction, in the morning is easy.
[55:21]
Adam Carolla
Everyone's going the other direction.
[55:22]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah. So my morning commute for the radio show is opposite of everybody else's commute. Everybody goes to the west side to work in, like the office buildings and the medical buildings.
[55:29]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[55:30]
Dave Dameshek
So I just fly to work and I fly home.
[55:32]
Adam Carolla
What time. What time do you leave? Like, what's the.
[55:34]
Dave Dameshek
If I leave, it's 7:30. I get there like at 8 I get there real early.
[55:38]
Adam Carolla
And you get there, you'll make it in half an hour from where you live.
[55:42]
Dave Dameshek
Well, it's 15 miles, too. That is LA traffic. That means you're flying. But if you go at 8, if you go at 7, 45, Palisades High School, Brentwood. Yeah, all those schools just pile out and they just make it a living hell. But once you hit the 405, you're home free.
[55:56]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's what I used to do when I did mornings, Remember? I'd get there about 5, 58, do show prep for like 30, 40 seconds. Sometimes you were a taskmaster.
[56:06]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
But you know what? You were toughest on yourself.
[56:09]
Allison Rosen
What's weird to me, I've noticed, is just how much my mood changes from being in the minute traffic clears. It's like someone just shot me full of a drug that makes you happy. It's so dramatic. And I don't understand. Why is it so awful?
[56:23]
Adam Carolla
Well, first off, I think as a human being, the notion that you're being sort of herded. Herded. And just sort of. Just the noose is tightening around you. Like, there's a claustrophobia that. I don't think there should be something called claustrophobia. Like there shouldn't be an arachnophobia. Like people are scared of spiders, because spiders can kill people. And that's fine. If you totally freak out and run outside your house, you know, naked, because there's a little spider in your bathroom, well, then that's a problem. But, like having a fear of things that you should have a fear of. Like being locked in a trunk or being in an elevator with 22 people in it. You should not like that. And so this has that feeling to it.
[57:06]
Dave Dameshek
But I know specifically why Allison feels that release. It's cause you're not. You're not afraid you're gonna shit your pants anymore, same as me.
[57:12]
Allison Rosen
It's true. I can do about two hours. Anything beyond that, and I need to be wearing a diaper.
[57:17]
Dave Dameshek
I don't mind peeing. Cause I pee in a Starbucks. I peed. I drove out to Ontario. It took me two and two and a half hours to get out there. And I peed an eventi Starbucks cup twice.
[57:26]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Wow.
[57:26]
Doug Benson
Two times.
[57:27]
Dave Dameshek
Then you dump it out and you hope people behind you think it's green tea.
[57:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[57:30]
Dave Dameshek
Like, yeah, you know, I'm not really feeling this. Gatorade. Green lemon, lime Gatorade. I'm pouring out of a Starbucks cup, by the way, when do we have to learn another language not to get all hacked from way back. I wanted a small Starbucks on my way here. And the kid corrected me. I go, can I get small? And he goes, tall. I go, small. He goes, tall. We did this like six times. Small, tall, tall, small. It's like, captain, over, under, over. Captain, over, under, done. Like from airplane. And I go, I just want a small coffee. He goes, do you want room? I'm like, doesn't everybody want a little room? Yeah.
[57:57]
Adam Carolla
Again, that's why I wear the Dockers kit.
[58:00]
Dave Dameshek
Sunk it.
[58:01]
Adam Carolla
They don't pinch Starbucks. Not to go hack from way back, but out of a movie, that was fast. I was in. I went to Laguna Seca. I stayed down at pebble beach, and I went to the Starbucks before the race on Sunday to get the coffee. And the person in front of me. Now, the reason I bring this up is not for the joke. It's more the social phenomenon. I wrote it down. I asked the person to memorize it. I went down the street, I bought a notepad from a convenience store, and then I came back with it, and I had the young woman repeat it to me. The guy ordered. It was a woman, I think ordered a grande skinny vanilla latte, light foam, extra hot.
[58:57]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[58:58]
Adam Carolla
And I thought, what the fuck is going on in the request department? And the guy was 40. The chick was 40. It's no way this is how grandma used to make my coffee. It's not like, as I grew up on this back in Idaho on the farm.
[59:14]
Allison Rosen
That's how into it they are.
[59:15]
Adam Carolla
But here's my point. Nobody liked this seven years ago. It's not like, well, this is how I take my coffee. Oh, no, bitch. You took your coffee, little cream and sugar, your whole fucking adult life, and now it's light foam. By the way, do you like foam or do you not like foam? You know what I mean? Where are you in the foam department? I like it, but not that much.
[59:38]
Dave Dameshek
I like the guy that I actually do a bit about the whole thing. And it's, you know, the guy in line in front of you that just goes, yeah, I'd like a non fat, you know, similar to what you just wrote down. And, you know, non calf decaf, skinny latte, 182 degrees, and I want a cup of extra foam. Separate.
[59:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[59:55]
Dave Dameshek
And I go, wow. What better way to let all of us in line know you get raped in your ass by corporate and then you go home to a woman that hates your face, but you're gonna take control to a barista named Chad, right? In these 30 seconds and 182 degrees. Don't fuck me on this asshole, or else I'll take my rewards card and beat it. What does he do with that cup of foam? Dip his pinky in it and just suck his pinky as he sits in traffic.
[60:19]
Adam Carolla
Coffee's just fucking hot. It's just hot. And it's just coffee. And you can either put milk in it or not, but it's coffee. You do come in for coffee. Not foam and skinny and vanilla.
[60:30]
Allison Rosen
So you think there must have been a moment at which everyone who drinks those drinks switched from just coffee to coffee autos.
[60:37]
Adam Carolla
Now here's what's going on. Bigger. Bigger.
[60:40]
Dave Dameshek
Break it down.
[60:41]
Adam Carolla
I'm breaking it down. Bigger global picture here. What about me? This is me ordering.
[60:50]
Allison Rosen
Oh, you think it's me time beverage.
[60:52]
Dave Dameshek
This is my special drink.
[60:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I need it dialed in. I'm a narcissist. We're all narcissists. I have to travel with my dog. I don't care about you. And I need my special drink done especially for me. I don't like light foam. Nobody likes light foam. You either fucking like foam or you don't like foam. But I want it done because it's one more thing for you to screw up for me. And I want it at this temperature, extra hot. All fucking coffee's fucking hot.
[61:20]
Allison Rosen
It's like everyone's turning in a rider now.
[61:22]
Dave Dameshek
Yes, for me with an RBI signal up the middle. Everybody scores.
[61:27]
Adam Carolla
We're all could have been a stand up double. We're all actually stretch it out, but
[61:31]
Dave Dameshek
it's pushes either way.
[61:33]
Adam Carolla
She's doing that move where she's up, she's knocking the dirt out of her trousers.
[61:36]
Dave Dameshek
I like when they shake it out. They have a belt.
[61:39]
Adam Carolla
She got on second base safely. She's called for a timeout. Her helmet, batting helmet came off. But here's the deal. We all, yes, we all have a rider. We're all in a rock band. Except for none of us has an audience. That's the fucking problem. The audience are all the people are fucking fucking behind you who just want to get a cup of coffee. But you've retarded this process by slowing it down to a fucking turtles pace. Because you have the guy has to back there. He's got fucking Bunsen burners and beakers.
[62:07]
Dave Dameshek
Congratulations to Adam, by the way. Correct usage of the word retarded.
[62:11]
Adam Carolla
Yes, that's right.
[62:12]
Dave Dameshek
That's the actual proper usage. Congratulations to. That's.
[62:16]
Adam Carolla
It's an engine thing. You'd advance the Timing or retard the timing. It's been. It's like putting a governor under the
[62:22]
Allison Rosen
retarded park that you do laps in is not the correct use of it.
[62:26]
Dave Dameshek
I don't know, I took a nap because it was a two hour drive here.
[62:29]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Right.
[62:30]
Adam Carolla
So think about what. Just think about what that is emotionally, that is about me. It's not I love light foam or I love super hot cough or I love skinny this or that. You don't love any of that stuff, bitch. You love you. And it's a way we can turn this into.
[62:48]
Dave Dameshek
What flavor is your sparkling water, Allison?
[62:51]
Allison Rosen
Oh, it's wild cherry.
[62:53]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah, nobody likes fucking wild cherry.
[62:55]
Allison Rosen
Your wife does.
[62:56]
Dave Dameshek
No one's talking about that right now. We're talking about your narcissism. You go into Ralph's and you're like, where the fuck is the wild cherry soda?
[63:04]
Allison Rosen
There are times if I Pavilion. Excuse me. If I go in there and they're not there, I will ask them if they have any in the back.
[63:10]
Adam Carolla
You're a downgrader to Ralph's. When?
[63:12]
Allison Rosen
Thank you very much.
[63:13]
Adam Carolla
When Jay and I hit the stage at the wheel turn on the 3rd of August, I think Jay's gonna do some time, I'll do some time and then we'll get up together and do some time.
[63:25]
Dave Dameshek
Sure.
[63:26]
Adam Carolla
And one of the bits I'd like to do is the. The foreign guys, the town car drivers who speak in the accent.
[63:34]
Dave Dameshek
So I don't think, don't make them just town. It's just anybody foreign that gets caught doing something. People tweeted me like the hardest they've ever laughed. When you and I are going, nah, nah, it's alright.
[63:44]
Adam Carolla
I only noticed the town guy and Acacia the cab, but the town car driver guy that you like. And the story came about, it started with us going from. We're going from JFK to the city and the guy pulled over, the guy literally pulled over in Jamaica, Queens or something. Yeah, we're in a Suburban, it was not in Manhattan. And he was just driving. We were about halfway there and he just pulled off the freeway and we were like, where are we going?
[64:14]
Dave Dameshek
No, it's good.
[64:15]
Allison Rosen
You like it?
[64:15]
Adam Carolla
It's okay.
[64:17]
Dave Dameshek
You know, it's Queens Boulevard, it's crazy. Now, good time to.
[64:21]
Adam Carolla
Traffic died down, goes into a Circle K market, comes out about 10 minutes later.
[64:25]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I think it was 10.
[64:26]
Adam Carolla
All right, 18, 20 minutes later. And we go, we're worried.
[64:30]
Dave Dameshek
What's up? It's.
[64:30]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yes, it's okay. Go to the bathroom. It's all right, it's good. Here we go. We go to the city now. You know, you're like, yeah, we're going now, but we've been sitting out here for 20.
[64:38]
Dave Dameshek
Yes.
[64:39]
Adam Carolla
Well, here we go. And you realize they just sort of hide behind the accent.
[64:42]
Dave Dameshek
They always have impossibly thick hair as well.
[64:45]
Adam Carolla
Smart. Yeah. Crazy. Never any male pattern
[64:49]
Dave Dameshek
hair.
[64:50]
Adam Carolla
Huge. Marty Allen esque in its density. You'll pull up a picture of Marty Allen, then you'll praise the king. So did you just snort?
[65:03]
Dave Dameshek
So I probably did.
[65:05]
Adam Carolla
So what happened in.
[65:06]
Dave Dameshek
Who said that?
[65:07]
Adam Carolla
When we were in.
[65:08]
Dave Dameshek
I'm so confused.
[65:09]
Adam Carolla
We were like in Montreal or something
[65:11]
Dave Dameshek
and I drove around the block. You weren't here. So I kept going. Call the dispatcher.
[65:15]
Adam Carolla
The guy picked us up an hour late from the gig. And he was doing the what, this? No. Find a picture where he has hair. Not a picture when he's 91 years age.
[65:27]
Dave Dameshek
While they're looking for the picture. Tonight, I'm at the Melrose Improv if all Ace fans want to come out tonight.
[65:32]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really good.
[65:33]
Dave Dameshek
CJ. Tuesday, right?
[65:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, 8 o'.
[65:35]
Allison Rosen
Clock.
[65:35]
Dave Dameshek
Go ahead, sir.
[65:35]
Adam Carolla
This guy picks us up from the gig an hour late and he's like, what, they coming? No, you know, you no see. All right, there's Marty Allen. Now we got to go color with the thick, but you'll. You don't get much that hair. There's no white person that has that. That hair. So he goes, what? No. And then he drops us off at the hotel and Mike August, like, fuck. This guy picked us up an hour late. We chartered the car and everything. I'm not paying him. We start walking out. We start walking out, it's like, hey, what? And now the accent is going. Starting to go away. You owe me 85 bucks. Like he was like, accent going away. It wasn't Brooklyn, but his went to. Hey, hey, there's Marty. Alright, that's. That's a good. So Jay and I decided. Actually I decided I'll be fair to me.
[66:21]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[66:21]
Adam Carolla
That I think these guys do this in case they ever get caught banging their wife's sister and the wife comes home. They'll talk him into.
[66:30]
Dave Dameshek
You lie.
[66:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, this is good.
[66:35]
Dave Dameshek
You are even fucking bitch.
[66:37]
Adam Carolla
You take balls, you smack against.
[66:39]
Dave Dameshek
Suck them. And it's nice Queens. And you break my balls and then I put up the fence.
[66:46]
Adam Carolla
You like?
[66:46]
Dave Dameshek
It's good. Are you gonna make it to dinner? You want to make a mistake? That's okay.
[66:54]
Adam Carolla
It'll be 25 minutes of that. Yeah. Come on now. All Right.
[66:59]
Dave Dameshek
By the way, Pacino, the reason I just came in hot. I realized today Pacino is rounding third. He's barreling into that catcher. He's. He's coming in hot. His last three. Kevorkian.
[67:12]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah.
[67:13]
Dave Dameshek
Paterno and fucking Phil Spector. Like this guy is getting the crazy. I'm gonna give you a shot, make you go to sleep forever. Oh, palliative care means Something different. Dr. Jack's around. Come on now.
[67:28]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[67:29]
Dave Dameshek
And then I like Paterno. I like to imagine him going, oh, Jerry, how come all these boys are on your front lawn with their clothes off? Oh, I'm just teaching them how to hug one each other. Oh, that's good. For the 4:3 defense. I'm gonna turn the blind eye. My Coke bottle glasses always boogers at the bottom of my nose. Couldn't figure it out. I wasn't on TV with boogers in my nose. They always said I lost track of the program.
[67:56]
Adam Carolla
How is he going to. How is he going to be Joke
[67:59]
Dave Dameshek
with volume, not tow Adam.
[68:01]
Adam Carolla
Is he gonna be Joe Pot as he studied with Joe Paterno?
[68:04]
Dave Dameshek
He's gonna do a good job and do the best he can. We'll probably see all four Al Pacino voices starting from Dog Day Afternoon. Very high, like Tyne Daily. What's this under a desk? A squirrel. Huh? We're Vietnam veterans. It don't keep killing don't mean nothing to us. Attica.
[68:19]
Adam Carolla
That's high one.
[68:20]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah. And then it slows down a little bit. He can't move his jaw so. Well, in the Godfather never asked me about my business. K. Okay. Nothing we could do about it. And then all of a sudden, fog on, leg on. And he comes out.
[68:34]
Adam Carolla
Oh, well, no, wait a minute. Of a woman.
[68:36]
Dave Dameshek
So that was different. No, he's still. He's still talking a little bit like Donnie Brasco guy. You're gonna take my arm. Are you blind or am I blind? Then you take my arm. Whose arm? Who's who? Who's blind? But it's not until. What's the one devil's advocate where the weight of the world God is an absentee landlord. Kevin, I gave you. She's got the greatest ass you ever saw. And then he brings it back on any given Sunday. It's a game of inches. I look around the room and we're gonna win. Yeah. Inch by inch.
[69:16]
Adam Carolla
He's a versatile motherfucking guy. Because playing a professional football coach for the diminutive Al Pacino just seems, like, insane.
[69:25]
Dave Dameshek
I know Al personally. I can tell You. If you had a baseball, football, basketball, volleyball, hockey puck and said, go pick up the football, he would just. He would just go in the other. I don't know. All these fancy algorithms you put in front of me. Basketball. What was it now?
[69:42]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Football.
[69:42]
Dave Dameshek
Come on.
[69:43]
Adam Carolla
It was weird. Although I am strangely attracted to that movie because it was Oliver Stone.
[69:50]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Not a bad movie.
[69:51]
Adam Carolla
No, not a good movie, but just not a bad movie.
[69:53]
Dave Dameshek
I think it was fun to watch, is when you have to make up uniforms.
[69:57]
Adam Carolla
It's always true. Yeah, because it was like watching Medieval Times, and it's like they decided to do a twist where no one has numbers on their jerseys or names on their jerseys.
[70:07]
Dave Dameshek
It's not the name on the back of the uniform that matters. It's the name on the front.
[70:11]
Adam Carolla
You're all Sharks.
[70:13]
Dave Dameshek
I hate when teams don't have fucking names on the jerseys. Like, when I watch Penn State football or the Yankees, I'm like. And there's a double by some fucking
[70:21]
Adam Carolla
asshole you can't get.
[70:23]
Dave Dameshek
And there's a touchdown by 20. Me, too. Whoever the that is, put the names on the back. I know who you are.
[70:30]
Adam Carolla
They say, whoever the F. They don't say the whole word.
[70:33]
Dave Dameshek
I like when they say, zip it, cunt.
[70:36]
Adam Carolla
Well, let's.
[70:36]
Dave Dameshek
You don't come in here and do a man's job, you child.
[70:40]
Adam Carolla
Let's do something with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.
[70:45]
Dave Dameshek
Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it
[70:52]
Adam Carolla
up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison, by the way. Al Pacino. Maybe you could back me up on this, but score big, man. 60% off.
[71:03]
Dave Dameshek
I get all my tickets to the plays at score big.
[71:05]
Adam Carolla
It's not, you know, it's not just NBA, NHL.
[71:08]
Dave Dameshek
There's a lot of tickets that go unsold, baby.
[71:10]
Adam Carolla
That's right. Clippers, Nets, Georgia Tech, ucla, whatever. You like college yellow jackets.
[71:15]
Dave Dameshek
I've lived out of yellow, Jack.
[71:16]
Adam Carolla
Yellow jackets, green, Hornets, all different colors of winged predators. Disney on Ice, Sesame Streets, all there. Go to scorebig.com, enter the code Adam at checkout and get an extra 30 bucks off. Not that you need that.
[71:33]
Dave Dameshek
Adam, that's your code.
[71:34]
Adam Carolla
You're rolling, you got your own code. You're rolling.
[71:37]
Dave Dameshek
You're hot stuff.
[71:38]
Adam Carolla
30.
[71:39]
Dave Dameshek
You got your own code.
[71:40]
Adam Carolla
Your first order. Yeah, it's me. It's coincident. Well, it's just a coincidence.
[71:43]
Dave Dameshek
Scorebig.com is no coincidence.
[71:46]
Adam Carolla
Scorebig.com, always below box office price guaranteed. Oh, sorry. That's a picture of Mike August stiffing the driver in Toronto.
[71:55]
Dave Dameshek
I like Mike August, by the way. Nike hat, Adidas T shirt. What better way to let the world know you're a fucking freeloader and all your clothing is free. Can I wear his Newport sweatpants? Right out of frame, can I? If you don't laugh, it sounds like I'm laughing.
[72:08]
Adam Carolla
No. Can I tell you how deep he rolls? I looked at his shoes once. He always wears crazy shoes. And I said, those aren't crazy shoes. Why aren't you wearing crazy shoes? Because, you know, the people you know never disappoint. It's their thing, you know, Those seem like a shoe a reasonable person would buy. And then I realized, oh, I started thinking, oh, someone gave him these shoes over at Kimmel or whatever it is. And he goes, no, these are my brother in law's shoes. And I said, your brother in law gave you his shoes? And he said, no. And I said, well, why are you wearing your. You stole your brother in law's shoes? No, I said, why are you wearing your brother in law's shoes? He said, he's out of town and I'm house sitting. I said, he's house sitting. You're house sitting his house. You don't want to put mileage on your sneakers. He's like, he's not here. He's got his shoes. He like, literally.
[73:06]
Allison Rosen
What else of his was he wearing, is what I want to know?
[73:08]
Adam Carolla
God, codpiece, merkin, all of it. All the personal stuff, all the unmentionables. But he literally didn't want to put miles on his Nikes. Hey, it all adds up. For three days, he's wearing his bra. I'm sure his brother would be delighted. His brother in law would be delighted. Mike was walking around, we got back from Denver. We're getting in the car, he fucking opened his duffel bag. He had 14 rolls of toilet paper in there. I'm like, where'd that come from? It's like when they put us up at a condo. I'm like, yeah, it was in the closet. Jesus Christ.
[73:41]
Dave Dameshek
I'm going out of town. I was hoping you could shoe sit for me. I hate leaving them alone.
[73:48]
Adam Carolla
Is that a Steven Wright?
[73:49]
Dave Dameshek
It's supposed to be.
[73:50]
Adam Carolla
That's pretty good.
[73:51]
Dave Dameshek
It's only better if I can really eat the mic like this.
[73:54]
Adam Carolla
If I get. If I can get it, it's good.
[73:56]
Dave Dameshek
It's all right.
[73:57]
Adam Carolla
It's Good.
[73:58]
Dave Dameshek
Mike. I have a friend Mike. He's real cheap. He said, I'm going out of town. I have to visit the planetarium. Now, there's really no punchline required because you've already established planetarium. That's like a Steven Ray Barry cat's combo.
[74:14]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, there was a little berry in there. I thought, planetarium, man. But I went, Stephen Wright.
[74:19]
Allison Rosen
Don't you feel like wearing someone's shoes is more intimate than, I don't know, wearing their shirt?
[74:24]
Adam Carolla
Yes. I don't know if this is for many reasons.
[74:27]
Dave Dameshek
First, is he a pothead?
[74:28]
Adam Carolla
There's Mike. No, not at all. First, there's the grommatosis part. There's your smelly tootsies. And secondly, you don't wash your shoes. You know, you can borrow someone's T shirt. You play a basketball game in the T shirt, but then it's going into the hamper, it gets washed, and then it's not full of someone else's crap. Shoes you just run around, sweat in, and then you put them back in the closet.
[74:54]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah, that's fiance wearing your shoes.
[74:56]
Allison Rosen
Is my fiance wearing my shoes?
[74:58]
Dave Dameshek
That might be kind of hot, actually.
[75:00]
Allison Rosen
I hope not.
[75:01]
Dave Dameshek
You put a load on his toes, huh?
[75:05]
Adam Carolla
I like the snake.
[75:05]
Dave Dameshek
Look at him walking around in the fucking shoes he's got on now.
[75:09]
Adam Carolla
Black Nancy Sinatra.
[75:10]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Go.
[75:10]
Dave Dameshek
Go.
[75:11]
Doug Benson
Boots.
[75:11]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, the boots.
[75:12]
Dave Dameshek
The boots. Cause they come up to the knees. He got no calves. He got no fucking calves. He's an animal.
[75:19]
Allison Rosen
Now that I have a puppy, I'm pretty much waiting for the moment that one of us slides our foot into a steaming turd.
[75:26]
Adam Carolla
It's gonna happen.
[75:26]
Dave Dameshek
I've stepped in shit many times in my house.
[75:29]
Allison Rosen
I mean, like, I had shit on
[75:30]
Dave Dameshek
my shirt today, and it wasn't my babies, it was a dog shit. And I can't figure out how I got dog shit on my shirt.
[75:35]
Allison Rosen
Which is worse, though.
[75:36]
Adam Carolla
All right.
[75:38]
Dave Dameshek
Dog shit.
[75:38]
Adam Carolla
By far, news, baby girl.
[75:40]
Allison Rosen
All right, so we already played the. Yeah, we did. Okay. A filmmaker, John Ziggler, interviewed Sandusky for three and a half hours in jail. This is the first interview Sandusky's given since going to jail. He had the opportunity to speak in his trial, and he chose not to. But instead, he is speaking with this guy. John Ziegler is interested in kind of defending Paterno's memory, and he wants to make a movie about that.
[76:06]
Adam Carolla
As I said many times, whatever. Whether you're OJ Or Sandusky, let's just say. Or the guy who you see on 48 hours or 20? 20. Just says, I was just home. I was watching the Ravens game. My wife went up to take a bath.
[76:22]
Dave Dameshek
The guy that talks to Keith Morrison.
[76:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And Keith does this weird thing where he goes down on every octave or something.
[76:30]
Dave Dameshek
No one locks their doors. Why? Something was brewing at the Waffle House, and it wasn't the coffee.
[76:38]
Adam Carolla
It's like he's more condescending than any other human being I'll ever listen to. And the guy's like, so Keith, I'm watching the Ravens, and around the third quarter, I just go upstairs and I see her, what looks like just sleeping underwater in the bathtub. She went up to take a bath few hours earlier, and that was it. Next thing you know, the guy's going to jail. Now, as I say, whether you're O.J. the guy talking to Keith Morrison, or the guy who's Sandusky, let's just say for a second you took part in none of this. You just sat and watched a Ravens game. You were just driving to the airport to go off to wherever with OJ and your Sandusky never laid a hand. Okay? You'd be going insane. Like, you would not take the stand. You'd be on that fucking stand going, I don't know what. Please, someone hook me up, though. Lie detector.
[77:29]
Dave Dameshek
Please.
[77:29]
Adam Carolla
I was watching the game. I went upstairs.
[77:31]
Allison Rosen
That was his opportunity. Yep. Sorry. Go ahead.
[77:33]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah, no, you go.
[77:34]
Allison Rosen
I wasn't saying that was his opportunity to proclaim his innocence, and he didn't take it.
[77:39]
Dave Dameshek
Adam, let's say you're guilty. Let's say you murder Lynette.
[77:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[77:41]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yeah.
[77:41]
Dave Dameshek
And you get caught.
[77:42]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[77:42]
Dave Dameshek
If I find that, it's always the husband.
[77:44]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Right, Right.
[77:45]
Dave Dameshek
You can always tell. All right. You can always tell it's the husband on the Dateline shows. Because guys that are guilty of killing their wives have an inability to say the word no by itself.
[77:53]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[77:54]
Dave Dameshek
All right. Make believe I killed Nick. Ask me if I killed her.
[77:57]
Adam Carolla
Did you kill your wife?
[77:59]
Dave Dameshek
No. Not at all. Not at all. Not. I couldn't even hurt a flop. No one asked you about fucking insects, you moron. Did you put a happy face where your wife's throat went?
[78:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I like when they do, like, now,
[78:11]
Dave Dameshek
you know, I did not kill my wife. Or, for the time being, asked me if I killed my wife.
[78:15]
Adam Carolla
Did you kill your wife? No.
[78:17]
Dave Dameshek
That's how a normal guy would say it. No. No. Not even like a little bit.
[78:22]
Adam Carolla
Right. They do this one kill.
[78:24]
Dave Dameshek
How?
[78:25]
Adam Carolla
I am. I am. I am 1,000, 100,000% innocent. And I know that in time, why not now?
[78:36]
Dave Dameshek
Whenever Keith Morris.
[78:38]
Allison Rosen
They're resigned to being that.
[78:40]
Adam Carolla
What? One day that I know the truth will eventually come to light. When's why not just now. Just do it now.
[78:48]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
It sound like Sonny.
[78:48]
Adam Carolla
There's a little this I am a thousand percent sure in my heart. Okay. And it's easy.
[78:56]
Dave Dameshek
No, no, no. I don't care.
[78:59]
Adam Carolla
It's so easy to. Look, Nobody knows what's in my heart but me.
[79:06]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[79:06]
Adam Carolla
And I know in my heart that I am 110% innocent of beating my wife with that wallet. With that empty wallet. I know that I'm 100%. And I know in my heart. And I know. And I don't. I don't care.
[79:24]
Dave Dameshek
Watching the hammer.
[79:25]
Adam Carolla
I can't be judged.
[79:26]
Dave Dameshek
Only God can judge.
[79:27]
Adam Carolla
It's so easy to judge. But only God can judge me. And he knows what's in my heart. And I know we are the only two people who know what's in my heart. And I know I'm 110% innocent.
[79:40]
Allison Rosen
We didn't have a murder weapon.
[79:42]
Adam Carolla
So you did not Absolutely. 100 kajillion percent without equivocation. Absouper. Dupilutely, no.
[79:51]
Dave Dameshek
Have you noticed whenever Keith Morrison says the word or some spooky shit follows, he goes, she woke up, walked down the hallway in her tony suburb house where no one's locked the doors to wake up her children or to slit their throats. You're like, whoa. That escalated quickly. Brick, I think you killed a man with a trident.
[80:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah, it was. Or murder. You put yourself in that position of you were just watching the Ravens game. I would go, nikki went up to take a bath. And when you came up two hours later, she was just floating in the tub, face down after some quick sex. You definitely call 911? Definitely call 911. She's on her face.
[80:34]
Dave Dameshek
Here's the thing. Now they play your 911 call and use it against you.
[80:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[80:40]
Dave Dameshek
They're like, well, he's way too emotional. He's acting or he's not emotional enough. I have programmed myself my whole life that if I ever had to call 911, I'm saying, hi, my name is this. I'm calling from 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Someone has been murdered. I need help. I'm gonna be super calm. I programmed myself as a preteen, right? And now they play that in court and they go, you know what?
[81:00]
Doug Benson
Really?
[81:00]
Dave Dameshek
It was the 911 call that made us all vote guilty. Like Jesus Christ. Everyone's a fucking critic.
[81:05]
Adam Carolla
Your name is Herman or Lily. I say inside Wolfie, it's a little monster.
[81:12]
Dave Dameshek
I'm the doll that looks like Dominick Cruz way inside. Whoa. Almost hit him.
[81:17]
Adam Carolla
I have. Oh. Wolfie was Eddie Munster's doll. Eddie Munster's doll.
[81:22]
Dave Dameshek
It looks like the fighter Dominick Cruz.
[81:25]
Adam Carolla
Go at him. I. For this case, yes. Because they always hold the 911 calls. Like, he didn't sound very emotional, believe me. First off, if my stepdad, the engineer from Lockheed, found my mom, you know, in a thousand pieces all over the living room, he would sound like, hello, 911. Yeah, we got a situation here. Involved. Well, I can see my wife's intestines. Anyway, if. If you're in the neighborhood or, you know, I'm not saying. Obviously, I don't think anything's going to bring her back. But if you're around, you know, in the next few hours, if you could send a cruiser by, that would be awesome. If not, I'll be here tomorrow. Like, that's what he would sound like.
[82:09]
Dave Dameshek
So he was one of those guys that tells the waitress when you get a chance.
[82:12]
Adam Carolla
He's no part of him that could ever raise his voice or summon tears. And that's why I have a heavyset woman of color that I just keep next to the kitchen phone the whole time. And it was a problem. She's gonna.
[82:22]
Dave Dameshek
Asshole.
[82:22]
Adam Carolla
Baby.
[82:23]
Dave Dameshek
Lord, no.
[82:25]
Adam Carolla
And then everyone's gonna go, you see Zelda over here? Do you see what she did? That was huge. There's no way he could have committed.
[82:31]
Dave Dameshek
Y' all gotta send the cruiser through. Cause they shot this motherfucking dead.
[82:34]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
[82:35]
Dave Dameshek
I don't know how he's dead, but that's cause of a bullet wound. He got holes in him.
[82:38]
Adam Carolla
That's right. And some tears would be good, too. Oh, my Lord.
[82:41]
Dave Dameshek
I got the vapors. Get the fuck over here. Right? And then there's a gremlin in the tree.
[82:46]
Adam Carolla
And no one would hold it against me.
[82:49]
Dave Dameshek
I think everybody should have a big Mama Goddall next to the phone at all times in case of emergency.
[82:54]
Adam Carolla
But that's it.
[82:55]
Allison Rosen
Just for 911. Or would you. For all household disappointing things.
[82:59]
Adam Carolla
I would use it if I ordered, like, Chinese takeout and the guy was 20 minutes late.
[83:04]
Dave Dameshek
Yo, don't fuck up with the MSG, please.
[83:07]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
[83:08]
Dave Dameshek
Because you motherfuckers. I get gassy.
[83:10]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, right, right.
[83:10]
Doug Benson
Just.
[83:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Or like to call. Like, I'd need them to call, like, the cable company. And when they do that thing where they go, leave the window open between like 8am and 4pm we'll have.
[83:21]
Dave Dameshek
I'm here now.
[83:22]
Adam Carolla
That's right. That's what I. I'm in a housecoat.
[83:25]
Dave Dameshek
Motherfucker, get your ass here.
[83:27]
Adam Carolla
Shit.
[83:27]
Dave Dameshek
I got shit burning. I got a housecoat.
[83:30]
Adam Carolla
That's what I want you to handle. That's why I want that heavy shit, woman. To cover the handle like all my business.
[83:35]
Dave Dameshek
What time you want him to come?
[83:36]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's right.
[83:37]
Dave Dameshek
That's what time you want him to come. You got to fix the cable now.
[83:40]
Adam Carolla
Yes. There you go.
[83:42]
Dave Dameshek
What time do you want him to come?
[83:45]
Adam Carolla
Like I said, between about 8am and then about 4pm Nigga, get your ass here at 8:30.
[83:50]
Dave Dameshek
Don't make Mr. Carolla wait.
[83:51]
Adam Carolla
There you go.
[83:52]
Dave Dameshek
God damn sick of your shit.
[83:54]
Adam Carolla
Direct TV these nuts.
[83:55]
Dave Dameshek
Motherfucker. Say what again? I saw the movie. I know all of it. That's the power of pine soul, baby. Now, if only that was an actress talked like that, I'd have a new fucking 20 minutes.
[84:10]
Adam Carolla
You know, I'd even use it for personal stuff, like, you could call my dad. Tell me you're a little bit disappointed
[84:15]
Dave Dameshek
if Adam's running late. I don't know what to tell you. I cannot personally get in touch with him and things of that nature.
[84:20]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[84:21]
Dave Dameshek
Certain people love to say things of that nature.
[84:24]
Adam Carolla
Yes. The fact that he didn't really open it up and show it's gonna be
[84:28]
Dave Dameshek
live as hell off the hook and things of that nature.
[84:36]
Allison Rosen
Maybe that woman could get to the bottom of the sunny thing.
[84:39]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah.
[84:40]
Dave Dameshek
You know you took your father's wallet. I will whoop your ass with that little Luigi Mario shirt you got on, I swear to God. You're gonna walk to school naked if you don't tell Miss Zelda who took that goddamn well, I swear to God. You want to see my titties? I'll let you see these titties you give me. You split me the money. I'll show you these titties, nigga, it's
[84:59]
Adam Carolla
just a waste of my time.
[85:00]
Dave Dameshek
Yo, don't you get fresh with me, little motherfucker. I swear to God. I raised three sons. They all named Dante, different spellings now. D H, O, N, T E, D, O, N, T, A, Y and D O, N, T, E. Cause he's classic, he's classical.
[85:15]
Adam Carolla
I want to hire a heavyset woman of color to do all my fucking bandages.
[85:19]
Dave Dameshek
First of all, it's called the Big Mama. Got it all.
[85:22]
Adam Carolla
Big Mama. Got it all.
[85:23]
Dave Dameshek
The big mama got it all.
[85:25]
Adam Carolla
Handle all your business, Adam.
[85:26]
Dave Dameshek
You too stressed. You're too blessed to be stressed, baby.
[85:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's right. Make me feel better about myself.
[85:30]
Dave Dameshek
Get Lynette back on the phone. Tell him you got a big mama. Got it all. We're gonna strain it out now.
[85:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I like that.
[85:36]
Dave Dameshek
We need the money.
[85:37]
Adam Carolla
I like that. And even like compliments where I'm like, big mama got it all. I'm not gonna have any pasta. I'm trying to lose a few pounds.
[85:43]
Dave Dameshek
Are you gonna have some pasta, baby? I made the pasta. You need to eat the pasta.
[85:48]
Adam Carolla
I'm not trying to stay away from the carbs. I feel like I put on. I just feel a little heavy.
[85:51]
Dave Dameshek
You ain't gonna have no carbs, baby.
[85:53]
Allison Rosen
You in charge.
[85:53]
Dave Dameshek
You're the Ace, man, baby.
[85:55]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you're the Ace, man. I love that. Just don't make me take.
[85:59]
Dave Dameshek
I got a house coat and rollers. I'm ready to go. I go to the store. I don't give a. Would you want to scratch off? You want to scratch off? Scratcher? Yeah, you want to scratch off?
[86:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I want to scratch off.
[86:09]
Dave Dameshek
I'll call you when I get there with my burner phone.
[86:11]
Adam Carolla
Okay, Thanks.
[86:13]
Dave Dameshek
I love Adam Crow. It's the Ace, man.
[86:15]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I could definitely. I could hire her.
[86:17]
Dave Dameshek
Let's call her up right now, because personally, I think she's holding you back with this kid stuff. You can't leave the ground with all these weights on you, baby.
[86:26]
Adam Carolla
They're sandbags. Sandbags. Sandbag babies. I got a gondola, man. I got a sore.
[86:32]
Dave Dameshek
I got a sore like an eagle. Whitney Houston said, I believe the children are the future. That bitch was a crackhead. Didn't know what the fuck she was
[86:37]
Adam Carolla
saying out of Corona.
[86:38]
Dave Dameshek
You're the ACE broadcasting now.
[86:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I got a sore. Big mama got all I need you. Like I said, 911 calls, pizza orders, calling the city, getting. Calling large. Like, here's the other thing, you know, like large item pickup. Like when you want to. When you're throwing away a sofa and you gotta call another number. I feel like you would just tell the garbage man, hey, douche, throw it in the back of the truck, would you?
[87:00]
Dave Dameshek
I'll call Alison. You pick up and say, wildflower Pizza. Please hold.
[87:04]
Allison Rosen
Wildflower Pizza. Oh, we need a ring.
[87:06]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, sure do. And bald Brian on sound effects.
[87:11]
Allison Rosen
Wildflower Pizza. Please hold.
[87:13]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, hell, no. You ain't putting me on hold, motherfucker. I was on hold last time. Y' all motherfuckers kept me on hold for two minutes. I'm trying to get Adam Crow the pizza. Pizza, girl.
[87:21]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[87:22]
Dave Dameshek
Don't front on this. I swear to God, I'll slap the white off you, you little bitch.
[87:28]
Adam Carolla
Momma. God. I'll try to. Try to do the thing where you get a split pizza like half mushroom, half Canadian bacon. But she wants to charge you full, full price for each item. I don't like when they do that.
[87:39]
Dave Dameshek
I appreciate you not putting me on hold. That shows good management skills and I respect it. I would like you. I'm gonna tell you, if you stop interrupting me, I will let you know exactly everything that I need. Mr. Adam Carolla would like a large pizza. As large as you can make it. If you're gonna stretch the dough an extra inch. He ain't gonna complain about the inch and dough on that pizza, girl. But listen, it's gotta be half plain and the other half is Canadian bacon. All right.
[88:04]
Allison Rosen
We will have to charge you extra for special orders, huh?
[88:07]
Dave Dameshek
Say what now?
[88:07]
Adam Carolla
Just full price. It's full.
[88:08]
Allison Rosen
We'll have to charge you full price.
[88:10]
Dave Dameshek
Full price for what now?
[88:11]
Allison Rosen
For special orders.
[88:12]
Dave Dameshek
What's special about a pizza at a pizza place, girl?
[88:15]
Allison Rosen
Well, it's half and half.
[88:15]
Dave Dameshek
I don't like your attitude. I would like to speak to a manager immediately.
[88:19]
Adam Carolla
See, Allison, you would love to have Big Mama got it.
[88:23]
Dave Dameshek
All right, I got locked into the character. It got spooky, right? No, you were staring at Alison like
[88:30]
Adam Carolla
all great actors go.
[88:32]
Dave Dameshek
You go there, but hold my Newport. Brian, that's not your ball. On the golf course, that's not your ball.
[88:39]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's everywhere.
[88:41]
Dave Dameshek
Just take a drop. You're the boss, baby.
[88:43]
Adam Carolla
Just at the airport when they wanted me to take my belt off.
[88:47]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, you think he's gonna hide a bomb in his belt?
[88:49]
Adam Carolla
That's where I go. Am I the one may take my shoes off?
[88:51]
Dave Dameshek
What about all the skinny white bitches hiding bombs in their bras?
[88:54]
Adam Carolla
That's right, huh? Yeah, I like that.
[88:55]
Dave Dameshek
Say what now? What was that, Adam?
[88:57]
Adam Carolla
They want me to take my toiletries and put it in a Ziploc bag.
[89:00]
Dave Dameshek
What the fuck is a toiletry?
[89:02]
Adam Carolla
It's like a tree that grows toilets.
[89:05]
Dave Dameshek
That's weird.
[89:06]
Adam Carolla
Oh, just kidding.
[89:07]
Dave Dameshek
You're so funny. Big Mama got it all. Gets all your jokes.
[89:10]
Adam Carolla
Adam, back me up on Snapchat. Oh, man, I love them. You can buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer and printer whenever you need it. 24, 7, or as Big Mama got it all. 25, 10 because she rounds up for the ace man. All day, baby. Plus discounts. All right, let's bring it home, little girl.
[89:31]
Allison Rosen
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. I want big black mama. Got it all. To train my dog.
[89:37]
Dave Dameshek
You better sit your ass down.
[89:39]
Doug Benson
Mm.
[89:41]
Adam Carolla
I say with Allison Rose. I say we're wasting Big Mama with the pizza delivery and the cable guy. We use them her for like when the doctor comes in and tells me I have colon cancer.
[89:56]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, you better get another chop, baby. Cause I've been taking ginkgo balboa for several years and there's no way. Cause I only get up to pee one time a night and it's the same time. It's one hour after I fall asleep. So there was no way I got colon cancer.
[90:09]
Adam Carolla
No, no, I. I don't. You're telling them I don't have it.
[90:11]
Dave Dameshek
I'm speaking for you.
[90:12]
Adam Carolla
I'm your representative.
[90:14]
Dave Dameshek
Cause you're not taking the stand in your own defense.
[90:16]
Adam Carolla
Sorry, Big Mama, because I don't want
[90:17]
Dave Dameshek
him to walk that far. Why should he get all cramped up sitting on that little box chair?
[90:21]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Thank you.
[90:22]
Dave Dameshek
They don't feed you shit. Don't give you no perdam for being in court or nothing. You gotta come to the doctor and this motherfucker come in with a finger in your ass. And first of all, well, how'd you get this job, motherfucker? Finger in the ass. And you're gonna tell Mr. Adam Carolla he got colon cancer? Well, stage what? This ain't the Tour de France, nigga. Don't come for me with stages. That motherfucker cancer free. You gotta come back and tell him he's all free and he got a sterling personality. That's what you gonna do for Big Mama Got it all. God dammit.
[90:51]
Adam Carolla
That's what I'm saying.
[90:52]
Dave Dameshek
I don't want to hear this shit.
[90:53]
Adam Carolla
Big Mama got it all.
[90:54]
Dave Dameshek
Let him die in ignorance.
[90:55]
Adam Carolla
You gotta come home. You're coming home with me, Jay Moore.
[90:58]
Dave Dameshek
Die in ignorance. That's the other thing some people do.
[91:00]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[91:00]
Dave Dameshek
Is they say that one sentence over and over. You see it on daytime. Let him die in ignorance.
[91:04]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[91:04]
Dave Dameshek
Let him die in ignorance.
[91:05]
Adam Carolla
You know, I feel, I feel Big Mama.
[91:07]
Dave Dameshek
Let him die in ignorance.
[91:08]
Adam Carolla
Be good at saying excuse me 200 times too. When like armor. Listen, I just want to make a point. No, I'm not going to make my point.
[91:15]
Dave Dameshek
Do you want to say that again? I'd like to make a point. Would you like to say that again?
[91:17]
Adam Carolla
I'm trying to make a point.
[91:18]
Allison Rosen
Would you like to say that again?
[91:19]
Adam Carolla
If I could just get a moment.
[91:20]
Dave Dameshek
Would you like to say that again?
[91:20]
Adam Carolla
I'd like to get a moment to make my point. I like. I love that.
[91:23]
Dave Dameshek
And they always got a hand moving. I love that.
[91:25]
Adam Carolla
All right. Live show will turn me and Big Mama. Got it. All right. Saturday, August 3rd.
[91:32]
Dave Dameshek
Okay.
[91:32]
Adam Carolla
8:00pm and of course, the radio show. More sports Monday through Friday.
[91:40]
Dave Dameshek
Come see me tonight at the Melrose Improv. You don't have to listen to a radio show. This is a podcast. Love affair right here.
[91:45]
Adam Carolla
Fox Sports Radio, of course. More stories. Get it on itunes.
[91:51]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, I'm gonna be checking IDs at the door.
[91:53]
Adam Carolla
Child website, J. Morris and Vegas tasting. Ah.
[91:59]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, that's at the House of Blues you're doing.
[92:01]
Adam Carolla
That's right. Signing and tasting 30 at Lee's Liquors before the show. I will be at Lee's in Las Vegas. 5.
[92:10]
Dave Dameshek
That's a good job. Liquor store got benefits.
[92:13]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So until next time, this is Adam Crawler for Jay Moore, Allison Rosen, Bald Brian and Dave Damishack saying Mahomes Hollow. You're wasting my time now. All right, that's adam K Show 1042 J mor studio. Coming up next, we have Adam K Show 1044. It's a live show. It's featuring Doug Benson along with Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013 O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Going to get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The Power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long.
[94:51]
Doug Benson
Catch. Anchorman.
[94:52]
Adam Carolla
The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.
[94:55]
Doug Benson
Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.
[94:58]
Dave Dameshek
Shut up.
[94:59]
Adam Carolla
Titanic.
[95:00]
Dave Dameshek
I'm the king of the world.
[95:01]
Adam Carolla
And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24.
[95:06]
Doug Benson
7.
[95:06]
Adam Carolla
That is so fast. On Pluto TV stream now pay.
[95:09]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Never.
[95:14]
Adam Carolla
Good day, Allison Rosen. Good day, Bald Brian on sound effects, everybody. And of course, Doug Benson. Hey, everybody. What's the.
[95:28]
Dave Dameshek
What's up?
[95:29]
Adam Carolla
Traffic on La Brea. You're doing the soccer style Heil Hitler there for extended period of time.
[95:37]
Doug Benson
You know, this is. Recently somebody tweeted to me that you compared me somehow to a Nazi. No. Do you remember saying that?
[95:46]
Adam Carolla
No. I said, yes, I did, but I said, no. What? I said and I said, and it was true. When they were talking about the. That soccer player who celebrated by doing this Sig Heil thing a few weeks back. And I said, you don't. There would be a history of this guy making anti Semitic tweets and things like that. I probably would have been following him. In other words, you know, we would know about it. You don't. Just this Sig Heil thing doesn't live in a vacuum. It's not something you stumble on when you're 29 and you've just scored your 49th goal and then you decide to embrace Hitler. It's something that's been going on for a while. And I said, you know something to the extent of you don't start off that morning like Doug Benson and then wake up and become a Nazi that evening. It was, it was.
[96:41]
Allison Rosen
It was a sort of compliment.
[96:43]
Doug Benson
I'm the opposite of a Nazi.
[96:44]
Adam Carolla
You're the opposite of a Nazi.
[96:45]
Doug Benson
Too far to go. Like, I couldn't possibly. Possibly.
[96:48]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, Be that.
[96:49]
Doug Benson
Be that Evil. Or that wrong?
[96:51]
Adam Carolla
No, it's just a calorie burner. You know what I mean? Like, it's hard to be a. Too much effort.
[96:56]
Doug Benson
Too much effort.
[96:57]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[96:57]
Doug Benson
Like, they lift their legs up when they walk.
[96:59]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, right.
[97:00]
Doug Benson
Right there.
[97:01]
Adam Carolla
My arm will get tired. You're more of a shuffler. Like, you're gonna put my. I'm gonna put my Crocs on. No, you need your high leather boots. What else?
[97:09]
Doug Benson
I do not wear Crocs. Except when I'm going to the Jacuzzi.
[97:15]
Adam Carolla
My joke about Crocs is this. It's like being blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay. But, yeah. Doug Benson, world's worst Nazi. Like, we're gonna need you to shave. We're gonna need you to get off of the weed and onto the peppermint schnapps. We need that shirt tucked in. We're having a Hitler youth rally at 8am we're gonna burn some books tonight, about midnight. Like, you'd be like, when am I gonna play Nintendo? I gotta get caught up on Breaking Bad. These boots are killing me.
[97:52]
Doug Benson
And I'd be like this instead of this.
[97:54]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Yeah.
[97:55]
Adam Carolla
No, no, no.
[97:55]
Doug Benson
You can't.
[97:56]
Adam Carolla
Holding a joint.
[97:57]
Dave Dameshek
I can't.
[97:57]
Adam Carolla
Well, what if I.
[97:58]
Dave Dameshek
No.
[97:58]
Adam Carolla
It's all fingers going forward. You can't do the joint thing.
[98:02]
Allison Rosen
Wait, I'm sorry. I'm stuck on. Peppermint schnapps is the drink of Nazis.
[98:06]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah.
[98:07]
Allison Rosen
Does everyone know that? I never heard that.
[98:09]
Doug Benson
Yeah. P.S.
[98:10]
Adam Carolla
hand of God. Don't you hate when people shame you? Everybody knows that. My twins know that I had.
[98:16]
Allison Rosen
Stupid.
[98:17]
Adam Carolla
I had a stillborn child before that that knows and knew that. Everybody. Everyone. Show of heils. People who know that peppermint schnapp is the drink of the Aryan nation. Yeah. It's. It's.
[98:29]
Doug Benson
It's. People won't even do it for fun.
[98:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[98:32]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[98:33]
Doug Benson
They won't even do it as a joke.
[98:36]
Adam Carolla
Jagerhoser.
[98:38]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[98:38]
Adam Carolla
It's like Jagermeister.
[98:39]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Isn't it a Jewish holiday right now?
[98:41]
Adam Carolla
Oh, shit. Bad timing. Well, let me say this.
[98:45]
Allison Rosen
Well, there's no Jews in this part of town.
[98:47]
Adam Carolla
I kid about the Jews. I kid about the Jews because I love the Jews. And everyone thinks I'm a Jew, so I could say what I want. But let me say, this Nazi stuff is pretty involved. Like. Like, it's hard to do a swastika by mistake, you know?
[99:05]
Allison Rosen
Right. It's like fly fishing versus regular fishing.
[99:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It's a calorie Burner. When I had that rainbow tape swastika on the side of my car, it was hard to explain that one away, you know what I mean? Obviously, that's not bird shit that just took the shape of the swast sticker. But the Heil, that's way too easy, you know what I mean? Anyone can get busted in a Heil. I feel like every grandparent, when they. Their kid is driving back to college, does a Heil from the driveway, you know what I mean?
[99:32]
Allison Rosen
I know there should really be a rule, which is if you're just trying to greet someone, keep it below shoulder level, like just that.
[99:38]
Adam Carolla
I think we have to go ahead and separate the wave from the heil. First off, I don't know if there's a Heil hand, you know what I mean? Like you. You shake with your right hand. Were there any ambidextrous Nazis? Were there any lefty Nazis, you know what I mean?
[99:56]
Doug Benson
I think they gave each other a lot of Heil fives.
[99:59]
Adam Carolla
That's what I think. What Heil's got to be a right hand move. You can't have one person doing it with their left hand.
[100:05]
Allison Rosen
No. Yeah, that's like Nazi comedy.
[100:08]
Adam Carolla
All right, so a couple things. I had a few. Few interesting things happen to me. One is if you notice my elbow, there's sort of a hole in it where I ate shit. Was I talking about this yesterday?
[100:22]
Allison Rosen
I don't think so.
[100:24]
Adam Carolla
I had.
[100:24]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
You talked about it off the air.
[100:26]
Adam Carolla
Off the air. I had this great comical moment yesterday where my house is filled with these, I don't know, back rolling yoga dildo logs. You know that everybody. I don't know why everyone needs a room full of devices for their backs. We don't do anything anymore. It's not like, oh, the fucking mill was brutal today. The coal mine was brutal. Everyone takes a trip in the Land Rover over to the Whole Foods. Why is everyone's back. Oh, shit. Oh, man. I gotta get a. I gotta get alignment. How's everyone so up all the time? And how come my back never hurts? All right, sorry.
[101:10]
Doug Benson
I think you might be the only one with a room full of those.
[101:12]
Adam Carolla
Okay.
[101:13]
Doug Benson
People's house. But everyone's got enough to have a back roller.
[101:15]
Adam Carolla
Everyone's got a yoga ball anyway. So I have a house full of these.
[101:20]
Doug Benson
Who's got a yoga ball? Yeah, that's what I thought.
[101:24]
Adam Carolla
That's right. When I say everyone, I mean four people. But there's a lot of people who didn't want to get caught in the
[101:30]
Allison Rosen
heil that's all I see now when people raise their hands.
[101:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you cannot raise your hand without passing through high territory.
[101:40]
Doug Benson
It's very high. Ish.
[101:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. We have everyone freaked out to raise their hand anymore. So I walk upstairs. I have this one that my wife has. It's like brown, blackish kind of thing. It's sitting on the floor. The floor is like dark mahogany color. The lights are all off. It's dark in the house. I go upstairs, I kick it. I realize what I'm doing. I try to do the move where I step over it and I step on it it. Because I kicked it in front of me. And then I completely eat against the wall and the hardwood floor. But what's comical is I'm carrying a pouch of super C plus, which I've already ripped the cap off of. Like, I've already taken the powder. You know, the packet with the emergency. Emergency stuff. I've already ripped the packet off. So I dump it all over myself as I eat shit on the ground.
[102:31]
Allison Rosen
It was an emergency.
[102:32]
Adam Carolla
Yes. I wanted to yell at people, but I realize I would have done the same thing and it looked funny and I would fun to go all Dick Van Dyke on everyone's ass at my own house. Also had this experience which I have not had in a long time. I had an outdoor fart catch up with me in front of people.
[102:53]
Allison Rosen
Does that mean you were running faster than the speed of farts?
[102:58]
Doug Benson
That's the slogan for the new Superman, I think.
[103:01]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[103:02]
Adam Carolla
No, you. You die if you run faster than the speed of your.
[103:05]
Allison Rosen
I've heard that. Right?
[103:06]
Adam Carolla
You didn't hear about that? Yeah, yeah, no. I was at the track on Sunday. Had nice breeze blowing. It was like 70 degrees. And I did that. It's safe to fart kind of. You know that thing where I looked around, you size it up, you know, this is a good farting zone. This is a good fart zone. I farted, and then I walked 20ft up to some dudes I was talking to, and I realized the fart, it stuck with me. You know, every once in a while, there's the clinger. Like, there's the fart that's going, where we going, boss? And you're like, no, no, you stay, heal, stay. Sit, sit. Fart's like, no, no, I'm going with you, man.
[103:44]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Roll over.
[103:45]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's like that. Me and my Shadow song, except for with the fart. And I was wearing a fire suit, which is not good for farting, because I think it really keeps the farts in. But then I. I walked up to two dudes, and I quickly realized, oh, my fart is with me. And as far as they go, the only thing that's changed here is me. All variables are exactly the same, except for I've now entered. And now there's a fart smell. But we're outdoors, so. But now here's the question. What do you do?
[104:18]
Doug Benson
Skunks shrug.
[104:20]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but it's. He's saying, you don't want to remember, he who denies its supplies it, but
[104:26]
Allison Rosen
he who smelt it, dealt it.
[104:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but if you. You may have cut. You may have. You may have. I may have cut the cheese. But you licked the knife.
[104:34]
Allison Rosen
You see, don't be a 1 upper, like I said before.
[104:38]
Adam Carolla
So then you do that stupid thing. You guys know this weird thing. It's a sort of a half fart realization slash thing where you walk in, then you kind of do a. Like a. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, but you don't say fart.
[104:54]
Allison Rosen
Acknowledging it.
[104:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you make a kind of a. It's a kind of. Just to get a read on what the.
[104:59]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
You know, this is if you farted or if you smell.
[105:01]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, this is.
[105:02]
Allison Rosen
Smell it. You definitely go on the offense.
[105:04]
Adam Carolla
I smelt it. I dealt it as well. I'm pretty sure they smelt it. I want. I couldn't just pretend it didn't exist. I wasn't prepared to go. Sorry I farted up your little conference by the trailer here. I thought I'd shed it 20 paces ago, but I had to just make a noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[105:27]
Doug Benson
Forgot to take my beano.
[105:29]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
[105:31]
Allison Rosen
So what did they do when you and your did that?
[105:34]
Adam Carolla
I. I don't think. I don't think they knew it. I don't think they figured it out. And I was. I was happy. I was happy about that.
[105:41]
Doug Benson
Hey, Adam. I got a question for you, world traveler. Yes. Why is it when you get off an airplane after a long flight, you, like, have to fart up a storm? Oh, and have you noticed that?
[105:53]
Adam Carolla
Yes, I believe that. You know, those things where they go. Well, they never.
[106:00]
Doug Benson
I knew you would have a theory on this.
[106:04]
Adam Carolla
Well, they have the thing where they go. You blink 18,000 times a day, you know, and then they go. You think about sex 7,500 times a day, and then they go, you know, your heart beats as many times a day and you. This. You take this many steps a day. Well, you must push out X amount of cubic inches of ass wind a day. I mean, there's an average. We all have one, you know what I'm saying?
[106:26]
Allison Rosen
I would love to be part of the team that finds out the answer.
[106:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah. The crack team. Thank you. That's why I get the big box. So X amount of wind comes out of said bunghole per hour and X amount per day.
[106:44]
Allison Rosen
Right.
[106:45]
Adam Carolla
So it just would stand to reason that if you flew to Newark and you had to spend five and a half hours, if you count security, seven, not farting.
[106:56]
Doug Benson
So you think you, you don't, like, subconsciously you don't let yourself fart in a plane. Plane. So you're saving them all?
[107:03]
Allison Rosen
My experience flying would suggest that's not the case.
[107:06]
Adam Carolla
I. Here's, here's the thing. I have exactly what everyone should have, but. But they don't. My flora and fauna has changed. And that means those aren't the twins. That's what's going on in my gut. And I don't know what's coming out of me. I can't tell if it's gonna be just a little hot wind or it's gonna be a. Somebody cracked the emergency hatch. I don't care what altitude we're at. I don't care if our eyeballs get sucked out of our heads. It'll be better than smelling this guy's ass.
[107:40]
Allison Rosen
Is this frightening or is this a great adventure you're embarking on?
[107:44]
Adam Carolla
It's a bold new adventure. Please take my hand and join me. It tends to make me more careful about farting since it's such a spin of the roulette wheel. So I tend to not fart on airplanes. Not, you know, just for me, but for my fellow passengers. That's really considerate and I assume, high of hands. Everyone attempts not to fart on an airplane. Yes, yes.
[108:14]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
All right.
[108:14]
Adam Carolla
And then, like I'll give you an example of the, the, the greatest fart example ever at the. After the first day date fart,
[108:25]
Doug Benson
you
[108:26]
Adam Carolla
pick her up at 6, 7 o' clock at night. You go out, eat Armenian, you know, you go to the Armenian buffet like you always do on the first date. You put down a couple of cocktails, a couple of beers. You have a little anxious. You're a little bit anxious because you have that, the nerve thing, Remember that first date thing. Is this working out what you think of me? Am I talking too much? I punch arsenaling on my teeth. Am I gonna get my dick sucked if I sneeze?
[108:52]
Allison Rosen
Am I gonna fart?
[108:53]
Adam Carolla
Yes. If I sneeze, am I fart?
[108:55]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Did you ever, on a Date. Think to yourself, am I talking too much?
[109:03]
Doug Benson
I thought this was a date. You said, meet me at Amalfi and let's have some Mangria.
[109:08]
Adam Carolla
It is kind of a date, isn't it? All right, so.
[109:11]
Doug Benson
Okay, so go ahead.
[109:12]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
You.
[109:12]
Adam Carolla
You get to the. Well, hold on. You know, then you go to the movies or whatever it is you do. Maybe you go out so much quiet. A little dessert, a little cocktail or something. Now you're like six hours into eating and sitting and eating and drinking and sitting some more. The fart, by the way, after you walk her up to the front door, give a little smooch there, get back in the car. I've done the waving and farting thing where I literally did not stop farting until I got out of the car. Like, I've done the. How many. I would love. And I'd love everyone to mic people's ass up. First date, how long? Because I not. It's not like I let one fart go. I let all the farts go that I chambered. I got a banana clip of ass gas.
[110:04]
Allison Rosen
You have to make up for the lost time.
[110:06]
Adam Carolla
Yes, I will let you let the seven between 17 and 24 farts go that I would have let go during that period of time.
[110:15]
Doug Benson
Yes, Doug, there's no reason for you to have that many in a clip. You should. We should have legislation to keep it to 12, limit the numbers. Like. Like, you have to. Like a shotgun. Like, you have to kind of like reload it before you can do it.
[110:28]
Allison Rosen
No assault farts.
[110:31]
Adam Carolla
Those Democrats can.
[110:33]
Allison Rosen
Can.
[110:33]
Adam Carolla
Can pry my anus from my cold, dead hands. Yeah. That's what the great Chuck Heston once said. So. Yeah.
[110:43]
Doug Benson
So I admire your ability to. To hold him into the end of a date. Well, that's impressive.
[110:48]
Adam Carolla
The date. The date is the airplane, essentially. Right. I mean, you're kind of dating everyone who's in your. In your row a little bit. I mean, you don't want to fart on them, right?
[110:59]
Doug Benson
But this goes hand in hand with the. When you're walking to. When you're walking to the front door of your home and you. And you suddenly you really have to shit.
[111:07]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Like.
[111:07]
Doug Benson
Like, how come we can't tell ourselves. Just give me another minute. I've got to find my keys.
[111:13]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[111:13]
Doug Benson
Like, what is going on there?
[111:15]
Adam Carolla
I don't.
[111:16]
Doug Benson
Like, you're just.
[111:16]
Adam Carolla
Your whole system goes, we're close enough. Get her done.
[111:21]
Allison Rosen
One time I had to call my sister and make sure she wasn't in. We lived together. Make sure she Wasn't, Wasn't in the bathroom and ask her to unlock the door for me. I could not handle anything in my way.
[111:32]
Adam Carolla
It's basically the human reality on Earth equivalent to the spaceship with the self destruct countdown sequence, which is, listen, I don't build a lot of spacecraft, but if I did, I wouldn't spend several hundred million extra dollars with a way to demolish it. You know what I mean? Like I feel like.
[111:52]
Doug Benson
And a nice long warning system.
[111:54]
Adam Carolla
That's a weird part of the plan. And then if I did build a plan that we could absolutely demolish this multi billion dollar space vessel, I would certainly have the part where we could override it if we needed to. You know what I mean? Once that countdown sequence starts, there ain't no more turning back. I've learned that from the movie. So once the ass countdown begins, there is no turning back.
[112:16]
Doug Benson
There's no yellow wire or green wire. Once the ass count countdown starts, Keanu
[112:20]
Adam Carolla
Reeves cannot clip that ass wire.
[112:22]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Maybe, maybe Doug can help us with this question. Do you think in movies have there been more countdowns that have destroyed things or countdowns that have been averted at the last second?
[112:32]
Doug Benson
Oh, it's got to be averted.
[112:33]
Adam Carolla
I say averted.
[112:34]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yeah, Aliens, they blew it up. Spaceballs, they blew it up.
[112:38]
Doug Benson
Things get blown up, sure, but. But averting it is usually the climax.
[112:43]
Adam Carolla
The two great movies of our time, Alien and Spaceballs. Can I tell you though, when I was at a hotel in like St. Louis or something, I told the story on the podcast before, but this is out of a movie. I was on the eighth floor. I was down on the very end. I had a suite, which was nice, but the suite was at the very end of the halls, far away from the elevators you could get. I did the countdown thing, you know, all right, I'm taking a shit in T minus in, you know, S minus, you know, 90 seconds. And I started walking down that hall. Well, of course the car didn't work in the door and it was like, oh, started the countdown sequence. So I better hurry this along now.
[113:32]
Doug Benson
You don't guess the front desk is going to have a treat.
[113:36]
Adam Carolla
You don't want to get caught in that. I have to take a shit run. But there is a walk you do that's a certain amount of. It's a purposeful walk, but you don't want people to go, that guy's running out of shit. I was on the ninth floor. I was on the ninth floor. I was alone. There's nobody else up there. I'M on the ninth floor. I get into the elevator, I hit lobby. I stand there. It stops on the eighth floor, which is. That is the worst thing ever.
[114:02]
Doug Benson
And then children run in and hit every other button.
[114:05]
Adam Carolla
No, almost the doors open and two blonde twins with, like, faux hawks. Like, you know, bad white trash, eight and a half year old, you know, I. My third brother got killed on an atv kind of, you know, but papa still lets us ride him without helmets. You know, like, weird blonde faux hawk thing. Two of them, two twin brothers. As I stand there staring at the eighth floor, now there's nothing going on. I see nobody in front of me. And then these two brothers pop out. Boom. One grabs the left door, the other grabs the right door. And they hold him and stare at me. And I'm like, were you sent from hell for me to shit upon myself? What. When does this happen? This never happens. What is happening? And I was just standing there going, this. First off, you're not. Not supposed to stop one floor down. And then these two little white trash demons are not supposed to jump out and hold the door.
[115:04]
Doug Benson
Yeah, welcome to St. Louis.
[115:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I was like, what are you two doing? And they're like, our dad's coming. And there's a. There's part of me. There's like. First was like, I'm gonna shit up this elevator. But then the second part of me is I thought, there's no way my fucking twins would do this for me. There's no way that we do this. Like, there's part of me like, wow, he's got you guys trained nicely. But then I was like, well, where is he? They're like, he's in his room. He'll be here. He'll be here. He's still in his room. And I'm like, well, he's still in his room. You know, you gotta let the door go. And they're like, we'll wait until Daddy comes. And I'm like, oh, no, I gotta shit. And, yeah, your dad's not. Not coming down the hall. Like, I appreciate, you know, the kids have that. I don't know if they. What time means to them. All they know is they're gonna run down the hall 10 clicks in front of daddy and hold the door for the man who has to. And I was able to pry it shut from them. And then I got down to the thing, and then I got the thing that always drives me nuts, where they try to make it your fault. You know why the key does.
[116:13]
Doug Benson
Oh, did you have it near your phone?
[116:15]
Adam Carolla
Did you have it near a credit card in the air? Yeah. Right, right, right. Like, listen, first off, I, I did the thigh wipe three times talking to you for. Yeah, yeah. And also. Yeah, you're right. I should have had a special hat made to hold the key so it didn't get near my phone. You.
[116:37]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[116:38]
Adam Carolla
Stick it in your fedora like a press of old.
[116:41]
Doug Benson
Yes.
[116:42]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Next time I'll key straight or pull. Put it in my loafer like a penny. Yes, I have a phone and a wallet. Yes. They go in my pocket. Yes. Is that really. That's going to render this device useless if you have something that everyone on the planet travels with.
[116:57]
Allison Rosen
Right.
[116:57]
Adam Carolla
Doesn't sound like a great plan to me. Doug Benson. How say you and is that a members only jacket at the high.
[117:07]
Doug Benson
It's members only right here for a second, but then no epaulettes.
[117:12]
Adam Carolla
So can I say this about members only jacket, please.
[117:15]
Doug Benson
It's about time.
[117:16]
Adam Carolla
Has anyone ever snapped that top thing and went, man, am I glad I have this small noose that I can in a double snap that I can put around.
[117:25]
Doug Benson
Zapple is getting cold. Is there ever you snap that across and boy, you feel good Chicago style.
[117:32]
Adam Carolla
You don't ride cafe motorcycles or anything like, is there any. Ever been a situation where anyone snapped that one? Thank goodness I'm wearing a jacket where I can warm the lower part of my neck.
[117:42]
Allison Rosen
I don't think so.
[117:43]
Adam Carolla
I don't think so either. All right. Should we do a little Adam? Yeah.
[117:47]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Speaking of jackets, check out the windbreakers. These two dudes here in the front made show.
[117:50]
Doug Benson
Show them they'll be made.
[117:53]
Adam Carolla
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. 14 million. Is that 25 million? Yeah. Doug, I, I, I need explosives. This to you.
[118:02]
Doug Benson
Yes, please.
[118:02]
Adam Carolla
I've talked about a little. I think you guys would be on board with this. Brian made it funny about my other windbreaker idea, but tell me if you guys would go for this. Every guy in America over 18. All right. She has like 125 million males or something, right? Once a year, you put your dick through a hole in a piece.
[118:32]
Allison Rosen
Is that what you average?
[118:33]
Doug Benson
You've got me so far.
[118:34]
Adam Carolla
Okay, you listening? You put your dick. Everyone lies on their belly, they put their dick through a hole of, you know, like heat treated titanium or something. Something that would support your weight. And it goes into a graduated cylinder and we see how much water you displace. Okay. How much your johnson displaces erect or not erect. If you're feeling super confident, it. But either Way water displacement, volume, in other words, volume. And then you get a windbreaker with a ranking on it. Not how much you displaced, but what your ranking is in the United States.
[119:09]
Doug Benson
That's a big number.
[119:10]
Adam Carolla
Well, what I'm saying is there's going to be some number ones out there. Well, no, but you got to.
[119:15]
Allison Rosen
They're being self deprecating.
[119:17]
Adam Carolla
He's got, he's number 14 million, which doesn't sound.
[119:20]
Doug Benson
Sound great, but there's 300 million people.
[119:22]
Adam Carolla
But out of a hundred, well, we're just doing the United States.
[119:25]
Doug Benson
Okay, Sorry.
[119:25]
Adam Carolla
And maybe parts of Canada. I can't get Mexico on board with this yet. The drug cartels over there, they run that whole place. I can't get.
[119:35]
Doug Benson
I can't get it because that whole language barrier.
[119:37]
Adam Carolla
There's a language barrier When I'm pointing at the hole and the plywood and gesturing with the.
[119:43]
Dave Dameshek
It just.
[119:44]
Adam Carolla
I was totally misinterpreted.
[119:46]
Doug Benson
It doesn't translate.
[119:47]
Adam Carolla
They did not take it in the spirit in which I intended, you know, when I was doing the hole with the thing and the Pokemon put the cock through the hole, you know, holding the tequila bottle on the other end, you know, doing the thing. Anyway, everybody's gonna have a number. And then you're forced to wear that jacket, that sweat, that windbreaker with your number on it around for one month out of the year. Now there's going to be guys that are in the single digit club, which would be pretty cool, right?
[120:18]
Doug Benson
Yes.
[120:19]
Adam Carolla
And then they're going to be the rest of us. Now listen, the Mason Dixon line is somewhere around, you know, 63 million, you know, so if you're, you know, it's not impressive to have 55 million on the back of your jacket, but you're above the median.
[120:34]
Doug Benson
What do you think his number is?
[120:36]
Adam Carolla
Oh, he's checking, right? He's checking right now. He's heading to the bathroom to check.
[120:43]
Allison Rosen
There'd be a lot of perks for that one month. You know, I feel like you get
[120:46]
Adam Carolla
free meals, toast of the town. You'd be on all the talk shows. You'd be a local hero, local makes good, you know, that kind of thing. There'd always see every year, thousands, millions of young teens turn 18. So there'd always be someone nipping at your ball, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? A new crop coming up, you know,
[121:08]
Allison Rosen
this would create, this could turn our economy around. It could create a lot of jobs.
[121:11]
Adam Carolla
Absolutely. That's why I'm doing it. Now you got to Try to. It'd be fun to see if the number one guy hung on each year or was hung on. Hung on. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch that lottery style presentation when they gave out the windbreaker.
[121:29]
Allison Rosen
There could be whole magazines devoted to it.
[121:31]
Adam Carolla
Bigger than the Heisman. It'd be fucking huge. It'd be on all the ESPN channels. You know what I mean?
[121:37]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
By the way, the winner of the Heisman might be in the top 10.
[121:40]
Adam Carolla
You never know. RG3 might be in there. Oh, my God, what a blessed life. Yes. That would be a great ceremony. When they giving out. We would. We would narrow it down to the top five. Tom Bergeron would host. He's a friend. It'd be funny if he was. Was in like the top 25.
[121:59]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Blow your mind if he was like, next up is me.
[122:01]
Adam Carolla
No, no.
[122:02]
Doug Benson
There'd be.
[122:03]
Adam Carolla
There always be one weird guy like Ben Stein or something that was in there. That would freak everyone out. And we do this ceremony. We do the number one windbreaker ceremony and we'd have them all in the audience. It would be. It'd be kind of like the end of Celebrity Apprentice, you know, be like two hours.
[122:21]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[122:21]
Adam Carolla
A foreplay. And then at some point, point Trump
[122:23]
Doug Benson
would say, who I'd watch win Ben Stein's breaker. Thanks.
[122:29]
Adam Carolla
In the back, Nothing.
[122:31]
Doug Benson
You gave me nothing in the back.
[122:32]
Adam Carolla
Who would not watch that? Pay attention. All right, number two, show of Heils. What is the number where the number on your back coincides with the inches on the front? I say 14, maybe 13.
[122:54]
Doug Benson
You think you're in the top 14 or 13 million?
[122:58]
Adam Carolla
No, you're missing my point. You got 13 inches up front.
[123:02]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[123:03]
Adam Carolla
Do you have a 13 on your back?
[123:05]
Allison Rosen
Oh, like there's a guy with a 13 inch.
[123:08]
Doug Benson
25 million inches.
[123:10]
Adam Carolla
Doug, you're stoned. I'm going to ask you guys.
[123:15]
Allison Rosen
Don't try. Try.
[123:15]
Adam Carolla
He's stoned off his ass.
[123:16]
Allison Rosen
Sorry, Doug. I'll explain it later.
[123:20]
Adam Carolla
Look, number. Number one is not number one. No, there's one inch.
[123:25]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
There's one number where your ranking and your inches intersect. It could be 12 inches. You rank 12th. Could be 13 inches.
[123:33]
Adam Carolla
It says 16.
[123:34]
Dave Dameshek
Whoa, whoa.
[123:37]
Adam Carolla
I think six. I think 16 would be number.
[123:39]
Allison Rosen
What that means is there's 15 guys in this country who have that are bigger than 16 inches.
[123:47]
Adam Carolla
Well, also freaks in the world compared to Dawson. We're working volume.
[123:52]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[123:53]
Adam Carolla
You know, we're working girth as well. So maybe.
[123:57]
Doug Benson
But Jesus.
[123:57]
Adam Carolla
Sixteen in the length. Sixteen the length. Dust, I think you've Over.
[124:01]
Allison Rosen
So there could be like a guy ahead of him was five inches long
[124:03]
Adam Carolla
and super like 13 or 14. Show five.
[124:07]
Doug Benson
All right.
[124:08]
Adam Carolla
And then just. Just another 20 minutes of cock and or ass talk and then we're moving right ahead.
[124:14]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Adam, you don't want to get this show of Heils thing going. It doesn't end well for people.
[124:17]
Adam Carolla
Right. You're right. You're right. Sorry. Sorry. Doug.
[124:20]
Doug Benson
It's a very anti Nazi crowd tonight.
[124:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah. The fuhrer would not be happy to see this.
[124:26]
Doug Benson
You might want to move the show back to Orange County.
[124:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Doug, do you know. Know the technical proper way to measure your penis?
[124:38]
Doug Benson
I think it's from the. Is the expression the base of your
[124:41]
Adam Carolla
balls center of the anus to just past the tip? Okay. That's the way my family's been doing it since we climbed off the gay flower many years ago.
[124:55]
Doug Benson
There's no reason for precision.
[124:56]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, just center the anus just past the tip.
[125:00]
Allison Rosen
Do you use a ruler or a tape measure or do you use a piece of structure?
[125:02]
Adam Carolla
It has to be flexible. It has to be. It has to be the one they use when you. When you have a suit made.
[125:08]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
That's how you got that 25 million.
[125:10]
Doug Benson
Yeah, I've never used the actual device. I just know that mine is three hands long.
[125:18]
Adam Carolla
What's it like to have a dwarf jack you off? I've always wanted. It's rare experience.
[125:25]
Allison Rosen
That or three dwarves.
[125:27]
Doug Benson
I'll tell you. All you got to do is say them. Pretend you're rolling craps and. And they just.
[125:34]
Adam Carolla
All right, should we do a little totally topical TiVo?
[125:38]
Doug Benson
Oh, my God, really? Yeah.
[125:40]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, Doug. Now, see, you shouldn't have got stoned. Totally topical Tebow trivia time today. All right. Right, let's see. I'm sorry, where's. Oh, Doug Benson. Doug Benson. Love our. I should say Doug loves movies. Oh, now you gotta prove it. Available on iTunes. Live shows, May 9th. Flappers Burbank. That's. Now, is that stand up or is that Douglas?
[126:09]
Doug Benson
That's Douglas movies. Okay.
[126:10]
Adam Carolla
And, uh, also you can check out his website and find out where Doug's gonna be performing all around the country. Free douglovesmovies.com and his Twitter. Doug Benson. All right, so this is. What's my name on this? Pete.
[126:27]
Doug Benson
Pete.
[126:27]
Adam Carolla
Because it's got a nice hard P in it. All right? You shout out your name when you think you know the tip. The TiVo description of the film. First of five wins.
[126:40]
Doug Benson
And not just us on stage. Not. Not you guys.
[126:42]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, not you guys, okay?
[126:45]
Doug Benson
Unless I need your help, I understand how this works.
[126:48]
Adam Carolla
Four aging astronauts. Doug, Brian.
[126:52]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Space cowboys from 2000.
[126:54]
Adam Carolla
It is space cowboys.
[126:58]
Allison Rosen
I didn't even hear him say his name.
[126:59]
Adam Carolla
Does the crowd agree with that? Is that Brian? Why does the stoner sitting closest to Brian get to decide who thinks everyone's is 16 inches long? By the way, that was a clear piece. All right, all right. Give the baby's bottle. Move on though, bro. Check the tape on that, bro. What's that, Doug?
[127:23]
Doug Benson
You talked over what he was saying?
[127:25]
Adam Carolla
All right. That's what I do, though. Broke and lovelorn, a woman takes on the strange and expensive rituals associated with being her best friends. Maid of Doug, Doug
[127:44]
Allison Rosen
Pete.
[127:47]
Doug Benson
My best friend's wedding.
[127:48]
Adam Carolla
Brian, Pete, 40 dresses. Brian.
[127:54]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Bridesmaids from 2011.
[128:02]
Adam Carolla
That's why it's this game.
[128:03]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Because the whole. The description is horrible. That's not what Bridesmaids is about.
[128:06]
Dave Dameshek
But that was no the.
[128:07]
Doug Benson
But the expensive. Like she took on the expensive. You know, that was the point in the movie. It screwed up. Okay, Sorry.
[128:18]
Adam Carolla
Perseus, the son of Zeus embarks on a dangerous mission.
[128:25]
Doug Benson
Doug. Doug. Clash of the Titans.
[128:30]
Adam Carolla
From what year, please?
[128:32]
Doug Benson
The recent one. 2012.
[128:34]
Adam Carolla
From 2010. He is correct, said 12. Anybody but Brian.
[128:41]
Doug Benson
Curses.
[128:43]
Dave Dameshek
All right.
[128:43]
Doug Benson
Holy. I can't believe that one went so long.
[128:46]
Adam Carolla
Well, we have sex with people of the opposite sex on occasion, so we don't.
[128:53]
Allison Rosen
And I'm just bad at the game.
[128:56]
Adam Carolla
I am so uninterested in all that guys fighting in leather underpants thing. And then they summon the power of the sun, like in their hand. But. Well, why you fight with a fucking leather slingshot then, douche? Which is it? You know what I mean? Like they're using a spear and a slingshot and then they raise their hand and summon the ocean. You know, it's like, whoa. If you can do that once, you get a fucking pistol. All right, sorry. A Virginia high school hires a black football coach.
[129:30]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Brian.
[129:31]
Adam Carolla
Brian. Remember the Titans from 2000? It is. Remember the Titans.
[129:36]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Wow.
[129:40]
Adam Carolla
Doug and Brian knotted up a two. I don't know if that's true.
[129:44]
Doug Benson
Three to one.
[129:45]
Adam Carolla
Three to one.
[129:45]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I have three. He has one.
[129:46]
Doug Benson
Yeah, one. Fine.
[129:49]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You not up that 16 inch cock of yours, Dawson.
[129:55]
Doug Benson
I appreciate it.
[129:56]
Allison Rosen
Kind of not what you make, cuz.
[129:58]
Adam Carolla
Fellow stoner.
[129:59]
Doug Benson
Helping me out though. Yeah, Fellow stoner.
[130:01]
Adam Carolla
Okay, what I said made perfect sense.
[130:04]
Doug Benson
There are at least three people in
[130:05]
Adam Carolla
the world with a 20 inch.
[130:07]
Doug Benson
Do you agree with that?
[130:08]
Adam Carolla
At least three people.
[130:09]
Dave Dameshek
Yes.
[130:11]
Adam Carolla
Number 16 probably has 16 inches, but but where. Wait a minute. Let's play some games, right?
[130:20]
Doug Benson
I don't know what movie you're describing right now, Brian.
[130:24]
Adam Carolla
Boogie Nights. Hold on a second.
[130:29]
Doug Benson
Listen.
[130:30]
Adam Carolla
Well, I gotta go retro here for a second. First off, I can't break. I can only get into parts of Canada. I can't get this over into the African nation, sadly. And parts of. In many parts of Europe and like I said, Mexico. The whole plywood with the hole in it, it was just. It was. You're the boss over there. You're number one. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. What I'm saying is, is if you're number 16 and you're 16, that means they're 15 guys ahead of you, not three guys ahead of you, right? Oh, I know. But if there are three guys with 20 inch and five with 19, and
[131:06]
Doug Benson
Doug, eight men out.
[131:07]
Adam Carolla
I get it. I think by the time you get to 16. All right. I don't know. You see, I don't have this thing where like. Like guys, you know, I don't know.
[131:19]
Dave Dameshek
I've.
[131:19]
Adam Carolla
I've only looked at a really a baker's dozen of cocks, you know, in the room kind of thing, but.
[131:25]
Allison Rosen
Right.
[131:26]
Adam Carolla
I think we kind of peek out, like we hit a wall, you know, at like, you know, 11 and a half, 12 inches. And once you get in there, you're into some rarefied cock air.
[131:40]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[131:40]
Adam Carolla
Take a good whiff of it. Well said. Which is going to be the name of my new fragrance, by the way. Rarefied Cock Air.
[131:48]
Allison Rosen
Have a large cock or just smell like one.
[131:50]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
[131:51]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Brian Ishtar.
[131:52]
Adam Carolla
All right, sorry. Go ahead. An 1805 British Pete.
[131:58]
Doug Benson
Pete.
[131:58]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Brian.
[131:59]
Adam Carolla
Master and commander from 2003.
[132:02]
Doug Benson
It is. Wait a second, wait a second. We're not. We're not playing full inaccurate titles.
[132:08]
Adam Carolla
I. Oh.
[132:10]
Doug Benson
What's the rest of it?
[132:12]
Adam Carolla
Master and Commander. Something about Russell Crow throwing a phone at somebody. Master and Commander. The Far side of the world. But we will accept Master and Commander.
[132:24]
Doug Benson
Yeah, I was a ripoff. There were no Far side cartoons in that.
[132:28]
Adam Carolla
In that movie at all. He did have the calendar hanging in his. In his quarters. Yes. All right.
[132:34]
Doug Benson
Nice job.
[132:35]
Adam Carolla
Thank you.
[132:36]
Doug Benson
Just from the year. That was good.
[132:37]
Adam Carolla
I'm a nautical guy hoping to make a comeback. A man stays with a suburban family.
[132:44]
Dave Dameshek
Brian.
[132:46]
Adam Carolla
Brian.
[132:49]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I was going to say Eastbound and Down, but that's not a movie to
[132:52]
Adam Carolla
prepare for the lead role in a Rob Reiner film.
[132:59]
Dave Dameshek
What?
[133:01]
Adam Carolla
Oh, that's it, huh? I'll read it again. No, we got it. Guy Stays with a family to prepare for a Rob Reiner film. I don't know.
[133:13]
Doug Benson
We.
[133:13]
Adam Carolla
We never have to flip over all the cards on these. Allison. Something. Come on.
[133:18]
Allison Rosen
I. I have. Could it be a documentary?
[133:21]
Adam Carolla
No. Well, could be. What is it? It's called Dickie Roberts, former child star.
[133:27]
Dave Dameshek
Nice.
[133:29]
Doug Benson
Nice one.
[133:31]
Adam Carolla
That was the great David Spade.
[133:33]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[133:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[133:34]
Doug Benson
Interesting.
[133:35]
Adam Carolla
Thieves ponder the identity of a traitor in their mist.
[133:42]
Doug Benson
Pete. Pete. Doug.
[133:44]
Adam Carolla
The usual suspects in the.
[133:48]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Doug.
[133:48]
Doug Benson
No. Was. Did you get in or me?
[133:50]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
No, I didn't say anything.
[133:51]
Doug Benson
Oh, okay. Reservoir dogs from 1992. I gotta.
[134:02]
Adam Carolla
I gotta.
[134:02]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Heil.
[134:05]
Adam Carolla
My guess wasn't lame though, right? I feel like she get a quarter point. All right. What do you got? Two, three and one. Yes. All right, here we go.
[134:13]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Apart.
[134:13]
Adam Carolla
Indian Vietnam veteran Pete Ryan. Pete. All right, hold on a second. I get. I get some time here.
[134:26]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Your show.
[134:27]
Adam Carolla
The. Not the Terminator but the other Schwarzenegger movie. It wouldn't start.
[134:37]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Oh, we're thinking Predator.
[134:38]
Adam Carolla
Predator. Nah. I wouldn't start with Predator.
[134:41]
Doug Benson
Kicks around Brian's get.
[134:43]
Allison Rosen
No.
[134:43]
Doug Benson
Brian gets a guess. Right.
[134:44]
Adam Carolla
Brian.
[134:45]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I say Thunderheart.
[134:47]
Adam Carolla
Kicks around bigots who pick on his girlfriend. Billy Jack from 1971. Part Indian My ass. That guy was blue eyed and blonde haired. Part Indian.
[135:04]
Doug Benson
I wanted Brian to guess before you read more of it.
[135:07]
Adam Carolla
Jesus Christ. That was horrible.
[135:10]
Doug Benson
He started to say more words.
[135:12]
Adam Carolla
He got three.
[135:12]
Doug Benson
I knew more would give it away.
[135:14]
Adam Carolla
I could have got this Billy Jack bullshit. All right. Here we go. A field operative for a company that oversees.
[135:22]
Doug Benson
Doug.
[135:22]
Adam Carolla
Doug.
[135:23]
Doug Benson
Up in the air.
[135:25]
Adam Carolla
Extraterrestrial refugees.
[135:28]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Brian.
[135:28]
Doug Benson
Brian.
[135:29]
Adam Carolla
Men in Black contracts a mysterious virus that begins to change his DNA.
[135:40]
Dave Dameshek
You know what it is?
[135:41]
Adam Carolla
Oh, this is.
[135:44]
Doug Benson
How much time does he get?
[135:45]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Come on.
[135:45]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Second chance guess.
[135:47]
Adam Carolla
Pete. Are you gonna. Are you gonna go?
[135:49]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Me?
[135:49]
Doug Benson
There's no second chance.
[135:50]
Allison Rosen
Contact.
[135:52]
Adam Carolla
Now. That's Jody Foster, man.
[135:54]
Allison Rosen
But it has aliens.
[135:56]
Adam Carolla
This is. I don't know. Outbreak. Whatever.
[135:58]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
District nine. Right?
[136:00]
Adam Carolla
It is District nine. Nobody gets it.
[136:02]
Doug Benson
No point. I love it. That's. That doesn't happen.
[136:04]
Adam Carolla
Usually a fast talking literary agent must learn how to live without speech. Wow. That was. That was close. That was real close. Oh, the money. Here we go.
[136:22]
Doug Benson
I got it. I got it. Hold on.
[136:23]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Hold on.
[136:26]
Adam Carolla
The. The Living tree or something. Thousand words from 2012. Eddie Murphy piece of that.
[136:39]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Okay.
[136:39]
Adam Carolla
It is game point for Doug. Brian has three. And Pete has one. A slacker prince.
[136:52]
Allison Rosen
Pete. Pete.
[136:53]
Adam Carolla
Coming to America. Must join his braver brother on a quest.
[137:01]
Doug Benson
Doug. Doug. Your Highness.
[137:05]
Adam Carolla
From 2011. And for the win. Your highness. Doug Benson. Everybody. The great and powerful Doug Benson, everybody. Wow. Tune in for more totally topical Tebow trivia time tomorrow or Tuesday.
[137:25]
Doug Benson
I credit the Mangria.
[137:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's.
[137:28]
Doug Benson
I've never played on Mangria before.
[137:30]
Adam Carolla
That's the Mangria thinking, man. They talk about booze talking, but this helps you think, man. All right, shall we do a little news with Alison Rosen? Why don't we do that with Allison Rosen? She'll read some news from her iPad.
[137:50]
Dave Dameshek
Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.
[137:52]
Adam Carolla
It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zippy Cunt.
[137:59]
Doug Benson
It's Allison. Oh,
[138:04]
Allison Rosen
that sounds so much like me, but it's not. Is that Adam doing Lynette?
[138:08]
Adam Carolla
That's me making the sound my wife makes when I flip on the fan before I go to bed at night. And I'm like, listen, you're under £13 of quilted goose filled shit. What's the big whoop? And she's like, my forehead's cold. I'm like, you're Viking, sweetheart. You are Viking. We could have used people like you when we were settling this country
[138:39]
Doug Benson
who
[138:39]
Adam Carolla
came over here with the cold foreheads. Like, listen, you know that thing where you like the ceiling fan go, you first of. Your forehead can't get cold.
[138:49]
Doug Benson
It doesn't.
[138:49]
Adam Carolla
Have you put a cigarette out on my forehead? I wouldn't know it. Oh, thank you.
[138:53]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Oh, yes, it can.
[138:54]
Adam Carolla
Oh, it. Well, no, your forehead, it's all forehead. Yeah. It just keeps going and meets your ass crack.
[139:02]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Oh, no, there's hair back here.
[139:03]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah. It's not like her feet are still in a comb. Her hair over her face, feet are sticking out. The good news about people that are sleeping is they don't do a second round. You know what I mean? They go, I turn on the ceiling fan at midnight when I go up to go to bed, I just flip on the fan. I hear the. Then I go, that's good. It's good. You know, you don't really have to get into it with half asleep people. It's good. Then you go. You go, my forehead's cold. You go, yeah, there you go. That's right. And you just keep going. And they don't. They don't have another chamber in them. Like they can't go around again.
[139:39]
Allison Rosen
Do you ever have this experience where someone who's asleep or kind of asleep asks you a question and then you answer it genuinely, and in the course of speaking, you realize they've fallen back Asleep or you. And then you just kind of trail.
[139:53]
Adam Carolla
There's a certain, certain conversational point where you have to commit to waking up. And I know that's the last thing you'd rather have a forehead than be awake. You know, the freezing forehead, then be awake. So that's the sound of me flipping on the fan at night.
[140:06]
Allison Rosen
Right.
[140:06]
Adam Carolla
Sorry. Where were we?
[140:07]
Allison Rosen
Well, so a story I wanted to get to yesterday. An Italian court has overturned Amanda Knox's acquittal. They're gonna retry the case. They don't have. We have Double Jeopardy here.
[140:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[140:19]
Allison Rosen
Part of my favorite show.
[140:20]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I like Celebrity Double Jeopardy and Teen Double Jeopardy.
[140:24]
Allison Rosen
Oh, I get so disappointed when I turn on Teen Jeopardy. Because I think this is gonna be too easy. And then I get extra disappointed when I realize it's still not too easy.
[140:32]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I've seen it with 9 and 10 year olds that were kicking the shit out of my ass.
[140:36]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. At what point did everyone learn the order of presidents? Because I never learned that.
[140:41]
Adam Carolla
I don't know. I was too busy taking ceramic classes in junior high and high school. But it really paid dividend ends. Because, you know, if anyone, it's. You know, a lot of folks realize it's tough to buy an ashtray. New out there.
[140:54]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yeah.
[140:54]
Adam Carolla
A lot of you guys are going home, struggling, forming your own ashtrays, pinch pots, coil pots, slab pots, things of that nature. Whereas for me, obviously, it's secondhand. I like to make that. It's a ceramic joke. I hold my hands. It's kind of a visual thing for people at home.
[141:10]
Allison Rosen
I mean, when you go to have cereal in the morning, is it like, which of my babies shall I use?
[141:14]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I threw all you on my potter's wheel. Now, which one of you will taste the sweet milk of success? Yeah. Every morning. Yeah. Oh, sorry, I almost forgot to snip. Thank you.
[141:28]
Allison Rosen
Felt empty. So anyway, yeah, so Italy's going to retry this case. And also her boyfriend, who was acquitted is going. Or her boyfriend at the time is going to be. They're going to retry that. They threw out that acquittal. So here we have Double Jeopardy, which means you cannot be retried for the same thing there. They don't have that. She. There's a question of whether she will be, Whether they will want her to be brought back, whether the US will extradite her, etc.
[141:53]
Adam Carolla
Well, few things. First off, she shouldn't have to go to prison because she's cute. You know what I mean? And good looking people just shouldn't have to go to prison.
[142:02]
Allison Rosen
I think we all agree. About what?
[142:03]
Adam Carolla
That. Well, I mean, look, I think we've all, all quietly agreed that that's how life works, you know, they're ugly insects and they're attractive insects. The ugly ones get the slipper and the attractive, attractive ones get the top of the hand. Look, it's a ladybug. You know what I mean? Ladybugs, what they do, they fly out and they fucking eat whatever you're trying to grow in your backyard. In your case, weed Benson. But the point is, it's because we've decided we like ladybug bugs. They get it. But the silver fish.
[142:34]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yeah.
[142:35]
Adam Carolla
Never did anything to you. They get the slipper. They get the business end of the slipper. All right, so that's also the same
[142:42]
Allison Rosen
with butterflies and moths, right?
[142:44]
Adam Carolla
One of them's just gray and the other one's vibrant. So one needs to be swatted.
[142:48]
Allison Rosen
The other one is also good luck.
[142:49]
Adam Carolla
The other needs to be made into a tattoo. No one gets a moth tattoo. That's super low self esteem, where you go into the tattoo parlor and like, I want a moth. You sure? For the same price, I can do a Monarch butter D. Give me the moth. I don't feel that great about myself.
[143:06]
Allison Rosen
So I would get a ro.
[143:08]
Doug Benson
I'd like a gnat right here. Yeah, that's cool.
[143:10]
Adam Carolla
That's cheap. I can do that pretty quickly.
[143:13]
Allison Rosen
I would get a roly poly right here on the inside of my hand. And then when I'm scared, I could just make a fist.
[143:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I would like to get a fruit fly on my forehead so that people could go like, hey, you know, you got Gotcha. You know what I mean?
[143:30]
Allison Rosen
It'd be a human parlor trip.
[143:31]
Adam Carolla
Jimmy always said he wanted a tattoo of tattoo from Fantasy Island. That'd be cool, you know, life size, but sure.
[143:39]
Allison Rosen
On his upper arm, Bobcat Goldthwait has a drum symbol that looks Chinese and it's his Chinese cymbal.
[143:46]
Doug Benson
Oh, yeah.
[143:47]
Adam Carolla
Like on his ass, right?
[143:48]
Allison Rosen
I don't.
[143:49]
Adam Carolla
Or near his ass. I know you have a crush on the man.
[143:51]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I feel like I saw it though, and I haven't seen it.
[143:53]
Adam Carolla
She's attractive. She shouldn't be retried, number one. Number two, listen, you had your chance. Italy, you fucked up. You didn't get the job done and you sent her back, so why should you get another shot at it? But to be fair to her, you know, if someone was saying to me, like, hey, listen, we need to send you out of the country because we have to try you for murder. And I'd be like, oh, Jesus. Dear God, no. And they go, Italy. I'd go, oh, okay, I want some of that hard cheese. Like that sounds, you know, if you gotta go somewhere to be tried for murder, I'd say Italy being like my top three or four countries. Right?
[144:32]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Yeah.
[144:33]
Doug Benson
It's the top trial destination.
[144:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah. For trial tourism.
[144:39]
Allison Rosen
I read about it in Trial and Leisure.
[144:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[144:41]
Allison Rosen
Now, do you guys have the same sense that I do, though, which is I feel the whole. Well, it's like when your friend explains why she broke up with someone and no matter how many times you hear it, you still don't really understand. I'm still very murky on the details
[144:54]
Dave Dameshek
of the whole murder.
[144:54]
Allison Rosen
But my sense is that she's not entirely innocent. And I don't know why I feel that way.
[144:59]
Adam Carolla
None of us are entirely innocent in God's eyes. I like the God will decide people. I wish I could be one of those.
[145:07]
Doug Benson
When she meets her maker.
[145:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[145:09]
Doug Benson
Oh, she was made by like a box in the ground.
[145:12]
Adam Carolla
Yes. That's what she's looking.
[145:14]
Doug Benson
She's dead.
[145:14]
Adam Carolla
You're harsh in everyone's mouth.
[145:16]
Doug Benson
All right.
[145:17]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, all right, all right. I'm very spiritual. Look, here's the point. The point is this 2020 or 48 Hours has another at least nine episodes of shit. I mean, this is the greatest. This is like the news, the 10 o'. Clock. You know, those news magazine shows that are on at like 10 o' clock on Friday night.
[145:36]
Allison Rosen
Frontline, 20 20, all the.
[145:38]
Adam Carolla
Those, all those shows. This is the equivalent of being like an SNL cast member and getting like, George Bush reelected. And you have a guy does a good George Bush. Like, this is going to be some good shit here. You know, Obama's good, but it's like, there's not that much to work.
[145:55]
Allison Rosen
Everyone at HLN just ejaculated.
[145:57]
Adam Carolla
Right, right. This is awesome. Right?
[146:00]
Allison Rosen
A Norwegian economist says that it may makes sense that people on airplanes should be charged by how much they weigh. Like, that's the only fair system that makes sense.
[146:13]
Adam Carolla
Well, listen, first off, it cut down on the obesity rates. Because when you realize those Funyuns were going to cost you another eight bucks, when you went back to Indiana to visit Nana, maybe you'd put them down. But I was thinking about this. I'm standing up, up because I'm getting heavy on all your asses. Here we go. I need you to dig. Dig this. Just dig this, man. We're just freight can you dig it? We're all just freight and you want to ship. Dig, Dig, man, we're all just freight flying around in the giant C130 life, man. I don't know what you're talking about. Eventually we get dropped in that great volcano, man, and we all go away. But until then, we're all just freight. And here's what I'm saying. You want to buy one bottle of Mangria, it's going to cost you five bucks. But you want to buy a case, it's going to cost you 20 bucks. Why the fuck not? You want to go online and order a bench vise, it's going to cost more to ship it to your house house than you buying a feather duster, right? I mean, we all understand the freight part of life. You want something really expensive and really big like, hey, I want to order a gun safe online. Well, guess what, it's going to cost a lot more because it's going to be more in fuel and more in wear and tear and more in the truck and more unloading more. It's freight ever. So every extra pound of anything you order online just, just cost you that much more in delivery charges.
[147:51]
Doug Benson
And the more charges, the more you have to move. If you move is going to cost you more money, Dig?
[147:57]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, dig, right. So then considering we're all just essentially freight that's being moved from LA to New York or LA to Chicago or Chicago to Indiana, we're just freight. And if you ask UPS, hey, how much to move a 200 pound parcel from LA to New York? They would give you a price. And if you said this one weighs 350 pounds and has horrible skin, how much to move that fat, that freight,
[148:31]
Doug Benson
if, if it fits, it ships well,
[148:33]
Adam Carolla
then the price would go up. The price would go up. So thus there is a median price for freight. And guess who is subsidizing the fat ass freight? All of us who are not fat ass freight. So everyone on, everyone in here that's under, you know, £191 is subsidizing all who are over when they get on an airplane.
[149:05]
Allison Rosen
So he,
[149:08]
Adam Carolla
I think he just said,
[149:10]
Doug Benson
sorry guys in the audience, but it was about something else. Yeah, but this would mean, I apologize,
[149:16]
Allison Rosen
it would cost more for men to fly than women for the most part.
[149:19]
Adam Carolla
I'm fine with all of it. Here's why. Because that's the fucking price. Like when are we gonna get used to this? Like you can go, well, why should it cost more for you for me to fly than you. Because it takes a extra 6 gallons of jet A to get my fat male ass over to New York than it does to get your spindly broad ass over there. I don't mean broad wide. I mean broad slang for chick.
[149:46]
Doug Benson
There's set up for it already. You just. All you'd have to do is stand on the thing you put the bags on.
[149:52]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[149:52]
Doug Benson
To determine how much you weigh and then you pay.
[149:55]
Adam Carolla
You don't stand on it alone. You stand on it with your bags because you are.
[150:01]
Allison Rosen
And then you can experience that panic that I always experience when they weigh my bags, which is where it goes way too much first and then it scales back. Yeah, I feel like it always. Like your suitcase is 75.
[150:11]
Adam Carolla
It. First off, it would keep everyone honest because the first thing I would suggest is, a, everyone weighs in and that's your prize. B, it will always announce your last weight from the last time you fly. Know what I mean? And then you'd be making some excuses like, these are really thick jeans. These are my thick jeans.
[150:32]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[150:32]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
You know who else it would negatively impact? The guys with the single digit windbreakers.
[150:37]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's a lot of hog. Yeah.
[150:40]
Allison Rosen
So he suggests three possible models for airlines.
[150:44]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I'd like to fly with some goddamn models for a change.
[150:47]
Allison Rosen
One would be fairs according.
[150:49]
Doug Benson
They were all hot.
[150:50]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I know it was.
[150:51]
Allison Rosen
All right, well, now I'm jumping ahead because I have another story and the headline is. Is do. Would sexy flight attendants make you fly more?
[150:59]
Doug Benson
No, I think you got to go
[151:00]
Adam Carolla
where you got to go.
[151:01]
Doug Benson
I don't think anyone's flying.
[151:03]
Adam Carolla
I'm going to New Brunswick to get a Snapple woman. Don't ask why. Yeah, no, that wouldn't happen.
[151:11]
Doug Benson
Real good show.
[151:12]
Allison Rosen
No, I. Sorry, sorry, I misrepresented the headline. It's do sexy flight attendants really sell more seats?
[151:18]
Adam Carolla
Well, here's what good looking ch. Chicks do. They sell more of everything. You end up like you.
[151:25]
Doug Benson
You just.
[151:26]
Adam Carolla
When people are good looking, you end up talking to them a little bit longer. You end up being just a little bit friendlier. I know, because I'm hot. But what makes me hot is what?
[151:37]
Allison Rosen
You don't know it.
[151:38]
Adam Carolla
I don't know it. I'm hot.
[151:39]
Allison Rosen
That's why you're hot?
[151:40]
Doug Benson
That's.
[151:40]
Adam Carolla
That's why I'm hot?
[151:41]
Doug Benson
Yeah, it's like hot does trump everything. Like if a hot girl comes out to you shot. Oh, I'm 12 years sober, but oh, yeah, okay.
[151:48]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[151:48]
Doug Benson
You know, that kind of thing.
[151:49]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Are you hot and you don't know it too.
[151:52]
Doug Benson
What?
[151:52]
Allison Rosen
See, you seem so hot right now.
[151:55]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I know. Yeah. So you should weigh in and you should have a price. Because otherwise there's two choices when you're flying. Either you're paying for somebody or somebody is paying for you. That's where we're at right now, if you think about it. And that's not right. So you fucking pay your own way.
[152:17]
Allison Rosen
So. So here's what he suggests. Fares according to actual weight, in which carriers would set a fixed rate per pound so that a person weighing 130 pounds would pay half the airfare of a 260 pound person. Or a fixed base rate for average weight passengers. With airlines either charging an extra fee for heavier flyers or offering a refund to skinnier ones. Or three separate fares based on whe whether passengers are at below or above average.
[152:44]
Adam Carolla
We're way too stupid to figure this out.
[152:46]
Allison Rosen
He also suggests you pay more.
[152:48]
Doug Benson
Kevin Smith would have to pay.
[152:52]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
He.
[152:52]
Doug Benson
He got in trouble once for being too big.
[152:55]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah.
[152:55]
Adam Carolla
Southwest flight. Just a reference. Yes, just a reference.
[152:59]
Allison Rosen
He's probably pretty, but there is an airline that does this.
[153:03]
Adam Carolla
Oh, well, first off, Kevin Smith, what he. He, what he. What he makes up for with gut, he loses in chance, you know what I mean? Like, he shaves precious ounces by never wearing a full length pant, you know what I mean? And it would be. You would. It would be funny because it'd be like you're a high school wrestler or an MMA fighter. Like, where's Adam? His flights in two hours. Yeah, he's in the sauna cutting weight. Hefty bag on him and he's running in place, trying to sweat off some white.
[153:30]
Doug Benson
Yeah. You know how to lose it for their way in. Yeah.
[153:32]
Adam Carolla
You weigh in, you fly, and then you rehydrate back up to your fighting weight, you know, right before the flight. For me, it'd be with daiquiris or something. But. Yes, but also, hold on, you can't just go double. It's because you're using up double the fuel. Like there's other costs associated with flying. Right. It's not all just jet a fuel.
[153:51]
Allison Rosen
Right, right.
[153:52]
Adam Carolla
Okay. But anyway, look, there's a price. You should pay your price.
[153:57]
Allison Rosen
So would you like to know what airline actually does charge by weight?
[153:59]
Adam Carolla
Yes. Yes.
[154:00]
Allison Rosen
Samoa Air.
[154:01]
Adam Carolla
Whoa. Makes sense. Yeah, with those huge calves.
[154:06]
Doug Benson
All wrestlers on those flights.
[154:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, Big dudes and lady gals there. Right. I don't feel like I see the medium sized Samoan women. I got the hula girl size and I got the Lookout world size. I don't see like, I've never seen, like the Samoan Hawaiian chick where you're like, she's hot. She could lose like £12. I don't feel like I see that.
[154:34]
Allison Rosen
No, it's like toy poodle or standard.
[154:36]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah.
[154:37]
Dave Dameshek
I don't. We.
[154:37]
Adam Carolla
I don't see the in between there. I don't. I don't feel like. I don't feel like they have a lot of range as a size. I see like super jumbo extra size. And then, wow, look at that belly move. You know? You know what I mean? Yeah. That hula, it's been a really long
[154:50]
Allison Rosen
time since have even seen a hula dancer. Where are they hiding?
[154:53]
Adam Carolla
You know what? We have moved way beyond that. Like, here's the problem. That used to be sexy. Remember, like, brass skirt, coconut bra. Now it's like, I'll just go on
[155:05]
Doug Benson
the Internet porn right here. Yeah.
[155:07]
Adam Carolla
Watch this chick get the double penetration in the coulee. You know what I mean?
[155:12]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
[155:13]
Dave Dameshek
Yeah or no?
[155:16]
Adam Carolla
Well, I mean, good luck, me getting my son to watch the sexy hula girls when he's got you porn back in the room. You know what I'm saying?
[155:24]
Allison Rosen
The founder of Bikram Yoga, Chaudhary Bikram, is being sued for alleged sexual harassment and assault.
[155:34]
Adam Carolla
Is that the hot yoga?
[155:36]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, he's not hot, but it is hot yoga.
[155:38]
Doug Benson
In his defense, it's hard to just let a downward dog go like you. It's pretty sexy position, right?
[155:45]
Allison Rosen
Present.
[155:45]
Doug Benson
Probably got to do something.
[155:46]
Adam Carolla
Well, first off, first off, don't you sweat enough when you're doing yoga? Like when you're trying to suck your own dick standing up, like, don't you feel like there's enough sweat on your forehead? And secondly, this is all just part of some ruse that they've. That he created with, like the. With the health clubs because he's like, I bet you guys are spending a ton on air conditioning, right? Yes, we are. I'm gonna invent a new workout where you never have to fucking flick the air on ever again.
[156:14]
Allison Rosen
Have you guys done hot or regular yoga?
[156:17]
Adam Carolla
I did. I've done regular yoga like three times. And it's one of these things. For me, yoga is exactly the same as fish and chips, Dig? When I have fish and chips, chips with the lemon and the tartar sauce and everything, I go, this is great, man. I. I should eat this more often. I never order it. Like, it's always a special on the menu and I never have it. And it's Good. This COD is good. And then eight years later, I have
[156:48]
Allison Rosen
it again and have the exact same thought pattern.
[156:50]
Adam Carolla
I have this. And then I go, what the, where's this been my whole life? I gotta get more into this. Ali. I'm gonna have this next time. We go. And then I never. Then eight years goes by and I have it again. That's how yo goes. I do the yoga and I go, God, I feel great. I feel great. I feel great, man. That's awesome. I start doing this and then eight years goes by and eat fish and chips. That's how the yoga works.
[157:09]
Doug Benson
I do yoga whenever I feel like being bored and in pain at the same time.
[157:14]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, good. It's good for.
[157:16]
Doug Benson
That's when I do it.
[157:17]
Adam Carolla
I saw you guys. Tell me who this douchebag is. I have seen two guys now traveling with the yoga master mat. Like, like, like, like the Marlboro man would travel with his bed roll, like on the back of his horse, but like clip, carry on for the carry on with the holder. Like, it literally had the handle with the Velcro straps on it.
[157:40]
Doug Benson
First off, I say pics or it didn't happen. No, take a picture next time.
[157:46]
Adam Carolla
That sounds absolutely crazy. I. I think I may have taken a picture. He was coming by way the way he was coming to Los Angeles where everyone knows. You know, man, if you don't bring your yoga mat, I better bring my
[157:59]
Doug Benson
yoga mat to the yoga capital of the world.
[158:01]
Adam Carolla
I mean, I could hook you up with a guy who knows a guy who has a primered van who parks it around. Well, I can't say where he parks it. And he could hook you up with another guy who knows a guy who might be able to hook you up with a yoga mat. But that's as close as I can get you to yoga mat in la.
[158:15]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
It sounds like a terrorist trying too hard to fit in.
[158:18]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[158:19]
Adam Carolla
Oh, just pack my yoga mat and
[158:21]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
they won't suspect a thing.
[158:22]
Adam Carolla
How into yo are you? Let me tell you what this is. There's a whole bunch of. Whole bunch of douchebags out there. These are the guys that put the Yakima racks all over their, all over their trucks and SUVs. And all this shit's like, hey, everyone, dig my lifestyle. You see what I'm into. You see those light beer commercials, like those Michelob Ultra commercials where hot looking people are running on a trail and then riding a mountain bike and then hoisting a beer and laughing. And there's one.
[158:50]
Allison Rosen
Every guy's online dating Profile. Spontaneous adventure.
[158:54]
Adam Carolla
This is my life. Hey everybody. Hey. This is, this is me. This is how I roll. This is my lifestyle. I hate those. I hate everybody. With your tribal tattoos and your yoga mats and your here's what I do and here's my life. I don't want your co ex exist bumper stickers. Your fucking who saved who bumper stickers. I don't want your minivan with all your kids names on it. Oh, and you're all, you're all into wakeboarding. That's so delightful. Knock it off. I'm fucking barely interested in my own family.
[159:27]
Allison Rosen
So this yoga guy who's the inventor of bikram yoga, who's known as like a bad boy of yoga, but he's 67. Anyway, his a former student of his claims that he she was training with yoga works.
[159:43]
Adam Carolla
Really hot, right?
[159:45]
Allison Rosen
That's right. And it's a franchise though, so it's a big money maker for him.
[159:49]
Doug Benson
Which. What did he do to her though?
[159:50]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Okay, so he, first of all, he gave her his diamond studded Rolex, which she returned.
[159:56]
Doug Benson
And then he called her serious sexual harassment.
[160:01]
Adam Carolla
How turned off, how cute physically do you have to be to return a diamond studded Rolex?
[160:08]
Allison Rosen
Well, then he called her into his office and admitted that he was attracted to her. And he said, what should we do about this? Should we make this a relationship? I know you from a past life and I have this feeling about you. I have never, never felt like this about anyone.
[160:24]
Doug Benson
That seems pretty upfront. And she should have said I'm not interested and left the room like, why is she suing him?
[160:30]
Allison Rosen
Okay, well then she contacted the director of the school or whatever and you know, to report this, that she felt uncomfortable. The director of the school told.
[160:38]
Adam Carolla
Hold on, hold on a second. This whole thing where you get paid because you felt uncomfortable. I spent the entire first part of my life uncomfortable. I was never comfortable.
[160:50]
Doug Benson
Yeah. Why aren't women suing every bar they hang out in?
[160:52]
Adam Carolla
Because that's every teacher I ever had, every counselor I ever had, every football coach I ever had, every construction foreman I ever had.
[161:01]
Allison Rosen
I need to see what gynecologist.
[161:02]
Adam Carolla
Every gynecologist Allison ever had and I ever had as well because we shared one in the 80s.
[161:07]
Doug Benson
Comfortable things. Do they say to you when you're your gynecologist, like, what's the worst one?
[161:12]
Allison Rosen
When I was 16 and I was a virgin, he said to me with the hand gesture, anal sex, just don't do it. I'm not even ready to have non anal Sex.
[161:23]
Adam Carolla
To be fair to him, there was a piece of a penis broken off in her ass.
[161:28]
Doug Benson
Don't do it anymore, Alison. That's what he said.
[161:32]
Adam Carolla
This whole thing where it's like they made me feel uncomfortable. Well, hey, lapd, you make me feel uncomfortable. Everybody makes me fucking feel. I mean, uncomfortable. What the fuck? Why do you get to sue so that. But there's more, though, okay? He dropped a digit on her, and I'm gonna feel like an asshole.
[161:51]
Allison Rosen
So one night, she says he pinned her against the door and sexually assaulted her by kissing her neck, chest, and face and grinding his penis against her leg.
[162:01]
Adam Carolla
Hold on. Yeah, but still.
[162:04]
Doug Benson
Thank you. Just trying to show her a new move in yoga.
[162:08]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
That's right.
[162:09]
Doug Benson
The up against the wall.
[162:10]
Adam Carolla
The up Hog dick plug.
[162:12]
Doug Benson
Mm.
[162:15]
Allison Rosen
And his former student, Pandora Williams. P A N D, H O.
[162:19]
Adam Carolla
You don't want to open her box.
[162:26]
Allison Rosen
Sued him.
[162:26]
Adam Carolla
Don't applaud that. That's a head nod at best, people. Come on now.
[162:32]
Allison Rosen
Sued him over disparaging remarks he made. Apparently. According to her, he said, quote, women are bitches and whores. They're here for one thing, and that's to make babies.
[162:42]
Adam Carolla
Okay, Correct on all counts.
[162:44]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Let me.
[162:45]
Doug Benson
Oh, I've had too much Mangria.
[162:47]
Adam Carolla
What, did you kill my man?
[162:49]
Doug Benson
I gotta slow down on the Mangria.
[162:50]
Adam Carolla
Why don't we have the Mangria out here? I got an implant. Yes.
[162:54]
Doug Benson
All right.
[162:55]
Adam Carolla
More for Mr. Benson and Mr. Carolla as well. All right, couple things. Why bother starting a business if you can't sexually harass? To help. You know what I mean?
[163:05]
Dave Dameshek
That.
[163:06]
Adam Carolla
Really, if you'd asked, you know, three quarters of guys throughout history, why do you want to be the boss? It'd be like, so I can everyone who walks through that door. You know what I mean? You're taking all the incentive out of starting your own business. Why you start the podcast.
[163:19]
Allison Rosen
He was a student.
[163:20]
Adam Carolla
Wait, sorry. Brian. Yes.
[163:21]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Why'd you start the podcast?
[163:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You're going to find out.
[163:25]
Dave Dameshek
Oh, my God.
[163:26]
Adam Carolla
Fifteen minutes.
[163:27]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
Not again.
[163:28]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, he was a student, not an assistant.
[163:31]
Adam Carolla
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Listen, I. Look, here's what I'm saying. There's a lot of guys that are douchebags, and there are a lot of guys that are inappropriate. And I'm guessing, historically, they've been inappropriate for several billion years, right? Right. So when someone is inappropriate with you, I think you're supposed to tell them the fuck off. And I think you're supposed to quit.
[163:58]
Doug Benson
That's.
[163:58]
Adam Carolla
That's My plan.
[163:59]
Allison Rosen
I think that.
[164:01]
Adam Carolla
But I don't think you get to sue people just because they're rich. Like, I don't like that. I, I don't think I, I don't talk about the big boobies that just walk by. I caught that. I was looking this way, but I felt the, the air in the room move. Can I sit? Can I say this, though? The, the threshold, Doug, if you're into chicks, could you imagine.
[164:26]
Doug Benson
Yes.
[164:27]
Adam Carolla
What you do to that shit? I say this. The threshold for suing people shouldn't be whether they have money or not.
[164:34]
Allison Rosen
It's just the most pragmatic way to decide, though.
[164:37]
Adam Carolla
I know, but it's sad that we crafted a society that's based on that. Hobo can piss on my leg and stab me with a nail file and I'll just keep walking. But if Donald Trump does it, I'm going to be a millionaire.
[164:50]
Allison Rosen
Right.
[164:50]
Adam Carolla
The threshold for suing people should be the same. It shouldn't be based on the person's wallet. It should just be based on their actions.
[164:58]
Doug Benson
But then what can you get from them?
[165:00]
Adam Carolla
Well, that's my point. You have to decide, because what if
[165:03]
Doug Benson
I get away with a lot of shopping?
[165:05]
Allison Rosen
You get their shopping cart to get their newspapers. What else does a hobo have?
[165:10]
Adam Carolla
They have a dog and they use a lamp cord for.
[165:14]
Allison Rosen
They have a guitar often.
[165:15]
Adam Carolla
Right.
[165:16]
Allison Rosen
I think the thing is that it's, it's as women, I think we feel betrayed when someone like a yoga instructor turns out to be a total douche. Because you expect that someone who's basically wearing tights and has long hair.
[165:29]
Adam Carolla
And is this guy the picture of this guy? Right.
[165:32]
Allison Rosen
Well, he's gross.
[165:34]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[165:34]
Adam Carolla
But I mean, he, he looks like Michael Myers, you know, Mike Myers character in a movie. By the way, once Mike Myers is going to come out with a horrifically bad movie. It's been like four years. Right.
[165:47]
Doug Benson
While he's really been in hiding. But I was watching one of the Austin Powers recently, and I, I, I think he's a funny guy. I, I think that that Love Guru thing for some reason really, really sunk him.
[165:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but he did a few before that, too. I'm just saying, if Mike, if you're listening, you're way overdue for a horrifically bad movie. Yeah. And Eddie Murphy, you're right on time. Like, you know, you know, don't you, don't slow down. Thousand words. Yeah, that's where I want it. All right.
[166:15]
Allison Rosen
Tilda Swinton did a performance art piece at the Museum of Modern Art in New York, where she. Doug, your eyes are so wide. What's going on? Do you love her?
[166:23]
Doug Benson
Because I'm thinking you're about to tell us if the hair matches the drapes. Well, that's not the expression.
[166:28]
Adam Carolla
Something like that.
[166:30]
Doug Benson
Does the.
[166:30]
Adam Carolla
Does the carpet match the muff?
[166:33]
Doug Benson
No, that's not it either.
[166:36]
Allison Rosen
I often say, does a curtain match the drapes? And that's just redundant, right?
[166:40]
Doug Benson
She's a.
[166:40]
Adam Carolla
She's got red hair, right? Yeah, she does.
[166:43]
Doug Benson
And she's naked in this.
[166:44]
Adam Carolla
No, she's not naked.
[166:45]
Doug Benson
Why bring it up? What's gonna happen?
[166:47]
Adam Carolla
She's not naked, okay? I don't think she's in a box.
[166:49]
Allison Rosen
She's in a. Yes, she's napping in a box in front of people. Yeah. And it's called the maybe.
[166:55]
Adam Carolla
Is this at the Standard Hotel?
[166:57]
Allison Rosen
No, it's at the Moma.
[166:58]
Adam Carolla
It's art. Baby, wake up. Yeah.
[167:02]
Allison Rosen
So I just wanted to know, A, if you would watch this, and B, what people would see if they were watching you guys napping in a box.
[167:08]
Adam Carolla
Well, first off, I'd like to go check it out just so I could put my balls against it and see if I could get her to look.
[167:14]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yeah, I would rap.
[167:16]
Doug Benson
I would rap on the glass and say, we need to talk about Kevin. I love movies, you guys. This.
[167:26]
Adam Carolla
This art that anybody can do is not art. If here's. Here's the definition of art. If you could do it and you're not an artist, then it ain't art. Like, when you look at modern art and you go, fuck it, my kid could do that. That. It's not art. It's. It's a cop out. I don't know what. I don't know what the plan is. And this thing of, like, it gets people talking about what. What a cunt you are. Like, what? What? What do we need to talk about? People napping in a fucking body? What do we. Oh, yeah. That was missing from this country's vocabulary. That's right. We were not talking about skinny chicks napping in Lucite boxes. Now you've woken us up and we're having an important dialogue about skinny chicks.
[168:11]
Allison Rosen
We're discoursing. Yeah. Discourse.
[168:14]
Doug Benson
Yeah.
[168:14]
Adam Carolla
We're having a healthy discourse about people napping in a loose sight box. Boy, must she fart that box up, though, if you think about it.
[168:21]
Allison Rosen
I know what's the worst place to fart for you? If it's your own fart fire suit.
[168:28]
Adam Carolla
I already had that discussion. Because, I mean, it's all the way up, but nobody.
[168:33]
Allison Rosen
Like what? Fire suit in a shower?
[168:37]
Adam Carolla
Well, it'd be weird to shower in
[168:38]
Allison Rosen
a. I know, but I'm just saying if you really want to hotbox your own fart.
[168:42]
Adam Carolla
It is funny though, there's always the jack offs at the track who have the fire suit with the flames embroidered in them, which is like you're gonna get out of the car and some. Some corner guy's just gonna hit you with a fire extinguisher one day because you've put flames onto your. Onto your fire suit. And by the way, that's a bad omen, isn't it? You're inviting trouble.
[169:00]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
[169:00]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[169:01]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
What, Ryan, you're inviting trouble at that point.
[169:03]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
[169:03]
Doug Benson
You're.
[169:04]
Adam Carolla
You're asking the fire gods to set you on fire. How long is Tilda Swinton in that box?
[169:12]
Allison Rosen
A day.
[169:13]
Adam Carolla
A day.
[169:14]
Allison Rosen
Okay.
[169:14]
Adam Carolla
And is it 24 7? And she's gotta have like a. She's got to get a break, right?
[169:19]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I. Well, it says for a day. I don't know if it's over. They're being cagey about when this is going to be happening.
[169:26]
Adam Carolla
Cagey about her box? Yes, this is a secretive.
[169:29]
Allison Rosen
About her box.
[169:29]
Adam Carolla
Playing her box pretty close to the vest, are they?
[169:31]
Allison Rosen
It's like a pop up box.
[169:33]
Adam Carolla
I think she did this somewhere before. Like, she's. She's an artist and. But essentially saying, watch me nap is you saying, I don't do. I got. I got nothing artistically. When. When did we just.
[169:46]
Doug Benson
Pretty sweet gig.
[169:47]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. When did we decide that this shit needed to make it into museums? How about just fucking Rembrandt people drawing, you know, masterful works, you know, or the fucking lilies or something like.
[170:00]
Allison Rosen
Can you imagine a conversation among the curators who are so excited to be getting this at their museum?
[170:06]
Adam Carolla
Mm, yeah. Oh, till. What movie is she known for?
[170:10]
Allison Rosen
Doug.
[170:11]
Adam Carolla
Doug the Man Grass.
[170:15]
Doug Benson
Got you. She was in we need to talk about Kevin. And she was also in Burn before reading, Burn after reading, but just burn it is what I'm trying to say. And the beach. Yeah.
[170:34]
Adam Carolla
Michael Clayton.
[170:35]
Doug Benson
Clayton is what she won best supporting actress for.
[170:37]
Adam Carolla
We know we're from. Thank you, Michael Clayton. All right.
[170:40]
Doug Benson
Michael Clayton. The most memorably titled movie of all time. Yeah, some dude's name.
[170:45]
Adam Carolla
We should put Kate Hudson in a box with Tyler Perry so they stop making shitty rom coms.
[170:52]
Doug Benson
Well, I have a theory about Kate Hudson and that's that except for maybe Almost Famous, she's never been in a good movie.
[170:59]
Adam Carolla
She's been in horrifically embarrassed can you
[171:01]
Doug Benson
name one good Kate Hudson?
[171:03]
Adam Carolla
The best movie.
[171:04]
Allison Rosen
She's the only person who liked that one.
[171:07]
Adam Carolla
Best movie she's been in has been the first movie. Almost Famous, whatever movie she's been in. And that's because she didn't carry it. She's horrible. Thank you. Go ahead.
[171:15]
Allison Rosen
Well, and speaking of performances in New York, the Video Music Awards, MTV's Video Music Awards are going to be held in Brooklyn for the first time this year. The Barkley center.
[171:26]
Adam Carolla
That used to be. That was me and Jimmy's little honeymoon for, like, three glorious years. They would always have the MTV Music Awards in New York, and they would always send K Rock's Kevin and Bean. It's in our whole crew out to New York for a week. And it was like a. Like a montage. Like a love scene montage with me and Kimmel where he'd be like, let me show you my New York and my Brooklyn. Yeah, it was awesome. We go to college. Cousin Sal's house. We'd go to his, like, cousin Tony's house. It was all. It was all. Oh, was pizza and cannolis and Little Italy. It was. It was delightful. And because it was on the east coast, we didn't have to get up until, like, 8:00am versus the 5:00am we were miserable about when we had to do anything over here.
[172:16]
Allison Rosen
And is that when you guys would stay in the same room?
[172:19]
Adam Carolla
No, we would stay in the same room. When we went to, like, Seattle for the Final Four, we'd stay in the same room. When we went to Vegas for Big Tad's 21st birthday with his brother, T. Chance Thrasher, who farted up the room the entire time when we. This time they got us our own room. But the whole thing was, is we would find a way to defeat the cable box so we could watch porn. I've told you guys the story. We would defeat it. We would bring vice grips and a universal remote, and Jimmy could get around the back of it and get around this little sheet metal shroud that they have that doesn't let you undo the coaxial cable and swap the thing around. But we could defeat it with this, with the vice grips. So once we got by it with the vice grips, we were able to swap the cables back and forth. Then you needed the universal remote to find the television, program the television and get the porno channels, which weren't programmed into the other remote. And then we put it in the universal remote, and it seemed like a lot of work.
[173:29]
Allison Rosen
How many hours are we in at this point?
[173:31]
Adam Carolla
Probably only like 17 at this point. And as I said, the problem was is we only bought and brought one universal remote. So if your TV was on the porn station, it would remain on the porn station. If you changed it from the porn station, you could with the regular remote, but with the regular remote, you couldn't get it back to the porn station. So you'd be in your refractory period going, geez, I'd like to catch up on news and stop watching Ron Jeremy's balls for like 10 minutes. But you go, you know, when we come home from the bars tonight, this fucking is gonna haunt me, this me catching up on the evening news bullshit. Because when we come back from Jekyll and Hyde's tonight with a nice buzz on, I'm gonna miss Ron Jeremy's balls again. And I'm so. I would just leave it on, but the remote would go upstairs, his room. Then he'd have to go get his remote to like bring it backstairs downstairs. It was, you know, it's a story. It's going to be my we had to walk 10 miles in the snow story to myself. When I'm talking about what, what hard times we had to endure back in
[174:35]
Allison Rosen
the day, I'm just wondering in what condition or whatever you'd call it, each of you were when you were traveling. When you are getting the remote and bringing it down and whatnot.
[174:44]
Adam Carolla
Usually refractory period. Mewling we called it. All right, one more story. Let's bring it home. Baby girl, what do you got here?
[174:53]
Allison Rosen
Okay, a Northern Virginia man was arrested after he attacked his roommate because his roommate drew a penis on his face in permanent marker when he fell asleep. And the best part is the mug shot. There's still a faint penis on his face.
[175:09]
Adam Carolla
I've said to Dr. Drew on more than one occasion, how many dead bodies, male dead bodies who died from alcohol consumption or whatever, were in the morgue with a cock drawn on their forehead? Like when the parents had to come identify 19 year old Timmy, the love of their life, they're like, that's him. Except for the cock on his forehead that was not there. But yes, I do recognize him. The cock is unfamiliar. That's new. That's a new part of his look. But I don't.
[175:46]
Allison Rosen
Yes, and I guess I didn't know everything about him.
[175:48]
Adam Carolla
As I said to Drew, who did you know when he was a law student, I was a medical student. He had a cadaver that was like assigned to him, by the way. And I said, look, like if You're. You were in the morgue and you're like, Jesus Christ. We got a 20 year old who is a, you know, sophomore at CSUN and he's in the morgue and he died of alcohol poisoning and his mom is grieving. Mom and dad or driving in, you know, to see. He's like, isn't the right thing to do. Get a little fucking Windex and use your shirt sleeve and like mop off that forehead like the office for it. But then you're kind of tampering with evidence and then it's got to be a weird thing where it's like you're looking at him. It's like, why is there weird red cock and balls outline on my son's forehead? You know? But yes, I would say that it's Doug Benson.
[176:41]
Allison Rosen
It.
[176:41]
Doug Benson
Yes.
[176:42]
Adam Carolla
The number of male corpses that were. That were in morgues over the last 50 years that had a cock drawn somewhere on their face over under 5,000. What do you say?
[176:59]
Doug Benson
Probably I'd say under.
[177:01]
Adam Carolla
You'd like to think we lived in a society that was under, but you know, it's got to be over.
[177:07]
Doug Benson
I just think that there's this such. There's such a. The window is kind of small between. Ha ha, he's passed out and oh shit, he's dead.
[177:15]
Adam Carolla
No, I disagree.
[177:18]
Doug Benson
You feel the lack of a pulse as you're drawing a dick on there forehead.
[177:21]
Adam Carolla
No. You don't go for the fucking jugular while the guys. No, I've had guys get drunk and get sick on themselves and like pass out all the time. We just duct tape them to chairs and take pictures of them. Put cigarettes in her mouth and draw cocks on them. Like we. I've had guys.
[177:36]
Doug Benson
How many of them ended up being dead?
[177:39]
Adam Carolla
Baker's does at most.
[177:41]
Allison Rosen
I mean have you guys drawn on people's faces or have them drawn on you? Because maybe I haven't lived, but I never have.
[177:47]
Doug Benson
Jimmy will draw a somebody.
[177:49]
Adam Carolla
Jimmy will draw a on your. And it'll look better than your. He's that good.
[177:56]
Doug Benson
Wow. I draw a bigger on my cockpit.
[177:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I do too. And then I go out.
[178:00]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
How many have had the drawn on them?
[178:03]
Adam Carolla
Oh, you've had. Yeah, I've had the cock.
[178:04]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
I was in a fraternity.
[178:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I was in fraternity.
[178:09]
Doug Benson
Surface to work with Trancy.
[178:11]
Adam Carolla
It's a lot of. A lot of canvas to work with. It's hypnotic. Like I can't stop thinking about it.
[178:17]
Doug Benson
I have a sharpie in my pocket, so stay away.
[178:19]
Adam Carolla
Where do we start? With this? Yeah, so what? He's shoeing. What's he doing?
[178:24]
Allison Rosen
He was arrested because he attacked his roommate.
[178:27]
Adam Carolla
Oh, after the cock?
[178:28]
Doug Benson
Yeah, he got mad about the cock.
[178:30]
Adam Carolla
Please. Listen, ladies, if your guru boss tries to grab a titty, just quit. And roommate. Dudes, if you pass out, you wake up with a cock on your forehead. That's on you. Fucking get over yourselves. America, let's move on with our lives. Thank you. I need your vote. All right, everybody. Everyone says to me, well, let's bring it home.
[178:51]
Allison Rosen
That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it Cons.
[178:55]
Adam Carolla
That was the news with Allison Rosen.
[178:58]
Doug Benson
Adam, I have a question for you.
[178:59]
Adam Carolla
Yes?
[179:00]
Doug Benson
How many of those dead cock faces did Cousin Sal have something to do with?
[179:07]
Adam Carolla
Well, Cousin Sal. Cousin Sal did.
[179:10]
Doug Benson
He doesn't let anybody fall asleep.
[179:12]
Adam Carolla
Well, Mike August, who's here tonight, I've told the story more than once. Mike August passed out at Jimmy Kimmel's house watching football. He dozed off on the sofa. Cousin Sal did the yokozuna, which is flying, start bounce on the pillow, pants around the ankles, drop the ass, bare ass, onto the face of the person who's passed out. Mike, let me tell you why men are superior. No, no, hear me out, ladies. Seriously, I didn't know this is where
[179:50]
Doug Benson
this was gonna go.
[179:51]
Adam Carolla
This is where it's going, Mike, because Marquis of Queensbury's rules say that you have to yell yokozuna in the air. You know what I mean? You can't just drop your ass on another guy's face.
[180:05]
Allison Rosen
So that would be rude.
[180:06]
Adam Carolla
Fell asleep. You have to yell yokozuna. Cousin Mike passed out. I don't know. Two, three in the afternoon, maybe four o', clock, the late game. Cousin Sal got his sweatpants. Jimmy filmed it. Cousin Sal got his sweatpants around his ankles, got running, jumped on the sofa mid flight, yelled yokozuna. Mike had gone through the drill enough to know that when you hear yokozuna, even in your rim, you cut, you duck and cover up. You duck and cover. Mike heard yokozuna. Mike put his left hand to block his face. Mike has a nice stainless steel Rolex Submariner that he should be wearing. Now, are you wearing your cheap watch because you don't think this crowd is worthy? I do. I do. He's wearing his stainless steel Rolex, puts his hand in front of his face to block cousin Sal. The considerable girth that is Cousin Sal. Lands on his hand, mashes Mike's watch into Mike's teeth. Mike loses. Has a cap come off his front tooth? What came off Your tooth. He chipped off his front tooth. And then because Mike played football, Mike said, my bad, and went to the dentist the next day. Mike did not say, oh, oh, I can't believe you did. Oh, this is an attack. I'm gonna sue your ass cheeks. No, Mike's a dude. Mike played football. Mike said I shouldn't have passed out on the sofa.
[181:43]
Doug Benson
Jimmy said it was entirely his fault.
[181:45]
Adam Carolla
That's right. No, no, but Mike knew it was at least, you know, 80% his fault. He knew it was culpable.
[181:51]
Doug Benson
He knew.
[181:52]
Adam Carolla
Well, 50 for being born and then another 30 for passing out on Jimmy sofa. Mike never held a grudge against the guy who chipped his front tooth with his ass cheek and his watch. Yeah, for a lot of the ladies, that would have been a deal breaker.
[182:08]
Allison Rosen
Pretty much. Yeah.
[182:09]
Adam Carolla
Pretty much. That's right.
[182:12]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
For a lot of ladies.
[182:13]
Adam Carolla
A lot of ladies, that's a lot of cows.
[182:15]
Allison Rosen
Well, I just feel like any lady worth her weight would check to make sure the person isn't wearing a watch before you go flying through the air and land on them with your ass. That's how my mom raised me.
[182:25]
Adam Carolla
That's why I go with the Swatch. By the way, not only is it stylish, but it doesn't chip the teeth when the cousin does Yokozuna. But that's why we build the bridges and the skyscrapers, people. Now, a lot of people say, Adam, what's it like when you do a lime read in person? And I go, well, you know what? Here goes. All right. I want to thank Doug Benson. Thank you, Corolla.
[182:52]
Doug Benson
Hey, mention my movie, if you don't mind.
[182:54]
Adam Carolla
What's that? Doug loves movies.
[182:57]
Doug Benson
No. The Greatest Movie Ever Ruled is available@chill.com for download.
[183:02]
Adam Carolla
Also, me and Drew are going to be at the House of blues this Friday, March 29th. And also salt Lake City and Redondo beach coming up as well, too. And we're going to be doing a little Mangria tasting coming up. We're doing it like Doug's doing out. Doug, you may give up the pong. You may put Mangria in your pond.
[183:23]
Doug Benson
I'm done with pot. It's Mangria all the time.
[183:26]
Adam Carolla
Las Vegas.
[183:27]
Doug Benson
I'm gonna wake and Mangria tomorrow.
[183:30]
Adam Carolla
This Friday, 5:30 at Lee's Liquor in Vegas. That's where Kimmel used to to buy his beer back in the day. And Salt Lake City this Saturday, wise guys, five o', clock, Trolley Square. So until next time, this is Adam Crawler for Doug Benson. Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo. All right, this is Adam Ko 1044 live episode featuring Doug Ben. That does it for today's pillow classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mullet and get it on. Hello and welcome to plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.
[184:43]
Doug Benson
Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.
[184:46]
Dave Dameshek
Shut up.
[184:47]
Adam Carolla
Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing.
[184:52]
Dave Dameshek
Press.
[184:53]
Adam Carolla
They're free 24.
[184:54]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
7.
[184:54]
Adam Carolla
That is so effective on Pluto TV. Stream now pay never. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast one Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast one's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.
[186:11]
Doug Benson
Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.
[186:14]
Dave Dameshek
Shut up.
[186:14]
Adam Carolla
Titanic.
[186:15]
Dave Dameshek
I'm the king of the world.
[186:17]
Adam Carolla
And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free.
[186:21]
Doug Benson
24.
[186:21]
Unidentified Male (possibly a producer or caller)
7.
[186:22]
Adam Carolla
That is so effective on Pluto TV. Stream now.
[186:25]
Unidentified Female (possibly Lynette, Adam's wife)
Pay Never.