Jay Mohr + Steve Schirripa (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – "Jay Mohr + Steve Schirripa (Carolla Classics)"

Episode Information

• Title: Jay Mohr + Steve Schirripa (Carolla Classics)
• Release Date: February 16, 2025
• Host: Adam Carolla
• Guests: Jay Mohr, Steve Schirripa
• Description: In this classic episode, Adam Carolla reunites with comedians Jay Mohr and actor Steve Schirripa. The trio delves into personal anecdotes, humorous mishaps, and sharp commentary on everyday life, all delivered with Carolla's signature unfiltered humor.

---

1. Matt's Overdraft Fiasco [00:48 – 03:03]

The episode kicks off with a listener, Matt from Temecula, sharing his unfortunate experience of overdrawing his business account by $20 to buy gas. His attempt to rectify the situation leads to unintended consequences involving his wife's handling of the funds.

• Notable Quote:
  • Matt: "Needless to say, I'm the idiot. There's no bright side." [02:51]

Discussion Highlights:

• Adam and guests humorously dissect Matt's predicament, emphasizing the pitfalls of financial mismanagement.
• Gina Grad jokes about Matt's decision to entrust his wife with a significant sum, leading to the overdraft fees.
• The conversation underscores the importance of clear communication in financial matters, all wrapped in comedic banter.

2. Adam's Glass Installation Nightmare [03:03 – 13:00]

Adam recounts a challenging experience while installing large glass panes at his old house. The story escalates when he encounters resistance from a rental company trying to provide a genie lift, culminating in a heated confrontation.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Adam: "You can see the picture. It is huge glass panes. That's your house was." [04:00]
  • Gina Grad: "Don't have it. He says no, it's no." [07:00]
  • Adam: "I felt like a moron. The lesson is internalization." [02:51 through various exchanges]

Discussion Highlights:

• Detailed narrative of the physical and logistical challenges faced during the glass installation.
• The humorous struggle with the rental company's refusal to provide necessary equipment, highlighting bureaucratic obstacles.
• Jay Mohr and Steve Schirripa add their comedic takes, likening the situation to absurd scenarios and emphasizing the absurdity of service refusals.

3. Meniscus Tears and Physical Injuries [14:17 – 19:00]

The conversation shifts to personal health, with Matt discussing his recent visit to the doctor due to knee pain. This segues into a broader discussion about injuries, recovery, and the physical toll of everyday activities.

• Notable Quote:
  • Adam: "I'm in my mid-30s and I'm getting divorced over 40 bucks because my wife took it in." [03:59]

Discussion Highlights:

• Insights into dealing with physical injuries and the importance of proper medical care.
• Gina Grad humorously misinterprets the seriousness of meniscus tears, adding levity to Matt's concerns.
• Jay Mohr shares his experiences, relating to the common struggles of maintaining physical health amidst a busy life.

4. Analyzing TV with Sound Off [23:36 – 34:33]

Adam introduces the concept of watching TV without sound to uncover hidden narratives and subconscious messages within commercials and shows. The discussion explores how visuals alone can convey unintended meanings.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Adam: "If you ever go to a gun range and they, like, recognize you, they'll go, oh, Bob, get the Widowmaker." [22:19]
  • Gina Grad: "I think it's called blacks, and we can work it out." [57:24]

Discussion Highlights:

• Examination of TV commercials, specifically the unrealistic portrayals of deodorant ads, revealing their absurdities when viewed without audio.
• Commentary on the evolution of television narratives and the contrast between older shows like "Friends" and modern programs.
• Jay Mohr and Steve Schirripa contribute observations on how visual cues alone can distort the intended message of media content.

5. Mail Order Brides Debate [75:30 – 105:35]

A provocative segment where Adam and guests debate the concept of mail order brides. The conversation delves into the ethical implications, personal experiences, and cultural perceptions surrounding arranged marriages.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Adam: "It's like, if you picked the picture, you couldn't do that if someone just popped up at the door." [98:04]
  • Steve Schrippa: "He better believe that." [98:25]
  • Adam: "They just show up in that big FedEx box and you put that glory hole in it." [99:30]

Discussion Highlights:

• Critical analysis of the mail order bride industry, highlighting potential pitfalls and abuses.
• Personal anecdote about Adam's cousin who entered such an arrangement, leading to family complications.
• Guests discuss the historical context of arranged marriages versus modern mail order systems, emphasizing the lack of genuine connection in transactional relationships.

6. "Where the Wild Things Are" – A Critique of Children's Literature [108:14 – 111:56]

Adam shares his frustrations with the beloved children's book "Where the Wild Things Are," critiquing its narrative and message. The discussion extends to general sentiments about children's storytelling and its effectiveness.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Adam: "Halfway into it, I got angry because I realized what a steaming piece of shit it is." [108:14]
  • Randy: "You get dessert on the night you're punished." [112:23]
  • Adam: "Everything for kids is done by people who like to do things for adults, but they're not good enough, so they have to do it for kids." [113:43]

Discussion Highlights:

• In-depth analysis of the book’s storyline, questioning its practical lessons for children.
• Humorous exchanges about parenting strategies and the unrealistic scenarios presented in children's books.
• Broader critique of the state of children's literature, suggesting that many stories fail to resonate genuinely with young audiences.

7. Miscellaneous Banter and Closing Remarks [111:56 – 87:00+]

The latter part of the episode features a mix of spontaneous humor, audience interactions, and light-hearted topics such as the logistics of head movements during flatulence and the challenges of maintaining dignity in public spaces.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Adam: "It's better than a car accident." [31:13]
  • Jimmy Kimmel: "Schadenfreude." [57:46]
  • Adam: "You know, there's been a lot of them who've formerly been in the Olympics." [21:40]

Discussion Highlights:

• Playful debates on everyday topics, blending personal anecdotes with sharp wit.
• Audience questions are addressed with characteristic irreverence, maintaining the show's comedic tone.
• Adam’s closing remarks tie together the various humorous threads discussed throughout the episode, emphasizing camaraderie and the enduring appeal of classic Carolla humor.

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Conclusion

In this "Carolla Classics" episode featuring Jay Mohr and Steve Schirripa, listeners are treated to a blend of personal stories, sharp critiques, and unfiltered humor. From financial mishaps and home improvement nightmares to deep dives into children's literature and the absurdities of modern media, the trio navigates a diverse range of topics with wit and candor. Notable interactions and comical exchanges underscore the episode's appeal, making it a memorable installment for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Crolla Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla substack along with the ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show and the new podcast Beat it Out, currently featuring Adam and jay moore. That's adamcarolla.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics atomcurollo.com all right. On the clips coming up first we have Adam Carla Show, 1754, Jay Moore, David Wild, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop from 2016.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk to Matt up here. Matt 36, Temecula, what's going on?

[Matt]

All right, so I'm a self employed guy. I overdrew my business account yesterday knowingly by $20 so I could buy gas to go pick up a check. Actually, I picked up cash. So I came home late and I gave my wife $400. Alright, as long as you go straight to the bank account, you put at least $40 in my business account, I'll be clear, no fees. So today I've got $76 worth of overdraft fees because she put the money in this morning. The whole point of giving her the money was to do it last night. She does it today. I go to the bank and complain about the fees. Needless to say, I'm the idiot. I had. There's no bright side.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Well, she actually muled your money to the to the bank and now it was 12 hours late. Day late. Yeah. More than a dollar short.

[Gina Grad]

Let me get this way. You get $400, you give your wife 40 and you tell her bring it to the bank tonight. Don't stop, don't go anywhere, don't go to the store. And then you go the next day and they tell you you overdrawn, you have to pay a penalty. Is that correct? Did you have to pay a penalty? Why my chair shrink.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to pay a Penalty? Hair shrinking.

[Gina Grad]

$40. Wait for $40. That's that. You called? How about your wife? 440.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Matt]

She spent the rest of the money.

[Gina Grad]

At Costco, so she's not buying things that are extravagant. What is she buying? Middle relievers. You're not out of it, Matthew. Lose four games in about seven series, she's out 40 bucks. 400. Who gives his wife 400?

[Matt]

Matt yeah, I guess that was a big part. I was. I was exhausted. I went to school.

[Gina Grad]

Who goes to the bag at night? Matt?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Who goes to the bank at night?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody bank at night. Don't you yell at me.

[Matt]

I guess that's the bright side. I learned the lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, Matt, the lesson is internalization. Don't get overdrawn next time so that you can avoid this. But also. Yes, I'm not doing a very good job.

[Gina Grad]

He gives his wife money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

To deposit at night, correct, Matt?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

6:00 and then in the morning, when.

[Gina Grad]

It would work in the first place because it's the next business day, right? You're like. And then she didn't fucking do it to the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Like, there's no fucking bank elves at 3am like, did you guys take care of Matt's stuff? That's where you need Walter to call back from Mitch in Washington. He's certified. Works at night as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

This comes home from work and hands their wife $400.

[Adam Carolla]

This should be a wake up call.

[Matt]

A moron.

[Gina Grad]

Apparently pimps.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Goes the other way usually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Mohr]

Tearing it back sometimes.

[Randy Warwick]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt. Refund. Honestly, you know what?

[Gina Grad]

I did take too much, baby. $400. Do me a favor. Take it straight to the bank. Chase Manhattan, preferably.

[Adam Carolla]

This is. This is. No, this is a good time to recalibrate, to find a mirror and go. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm getting divorced over 40 bucks because my wife took it in. 11 hours later. I was just having this conversation with my wife. I'll make this story quick because it's been a while, but when I was building the super garage at my old house, the scene in the movie Road Hard where I was sitting in the car with Larry Miller inside every one of those glass panels that you see behind you and around you, I put in. I did the glazing, I set the track and I put in. And it's tempered and it's a half inch thick worth of commercial glass. And each one is about 7 or 8 foot tall, about 6 foot wide, and they weigh 400 pounds each. And the only way to get them up there and get them set to where they were and they're probably about nine pieces, was to use this genie lift where you set it at the bottom and everything that has the word genie in it. Doesn't feel magical at all, by the way. It's a lot of fucking elbow grease. But you can see the picture. It is huge glass panes. That's Your house was.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, the one that I used to see. Turrets and you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I set all of that glass, me and my guys. I'm not a professional glazer, but I was able to just figure it out and do it myself. And all of the glass the way it came up to the second floor is through the hole that's in the floor where the car's sitting. Minus the plug in the car, there's just a big hole. You'd roll it into the garage on the underside, you'd use this genie lift. Find me a picture of a genie lift. It's a cranked thing. I had to extend it with two by fours and put each piece of glass on it and crank this thing up. It get up to the second floor and get it out.

[Gina Grad]

Feels like work your hardware. Hardwoods are exceptional.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, thank you. It's a laminate, but I understand.

[Gina Grad]

I knew that.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is what they look like. They're two forks. You crank it and whatever's up there, it's like a hand elevator that you crank up, forklift, whatever. I was able to extend it, blah, blah, blah. So famously. I go to the rental place that's on Sepulveda and Oxnard and I come pull in there and my wife's Ford Explorer and I pull up and I go into the office and I pay for it. I give my credit card and I do the whole 10 yards, 9 yards. And then they give. They give you the piece of paper when you go to the rental yard, then you go get the yard guy and you walk out with him and you back your car up to where the genie lift is and you go, all right, here we go. And the 48 year old semi combative Latino guy ran the yard, just went, not gonna work. And I said, well, why? Yeah, it'll work. No snow, snow, snow, go. No, no, no work. Not gonna work. And I said, yeah, I got the seat folded down. I got the hatch up. I'm eyeballing it. It's gonna be close, but it'll fit. And he's like, no, no, it's no good. And I said, no good. I got five guys in my house waiting for me right now with a bunch of, you know, $10,000 worth of glass. And they're all just sitting around waiting for me to get it up to the second floor. And he's like, snow, good. And I said, well, what do you mean, no good? Let's put it in. Here we go. I already paid for it. I got the paperwork. He's like, no. And I said, all right, I'm confused. Is it not going to fit? Because it's going to fit. It'll be tight, but let's just push it in. No, it's no good. Can't. Can't do it. And he starts walking away. And I said, what? What's up? And he's like, yeah, you need a truck? I can't put it in an suv. I'm guessing insurance. Yeah, some. Some. Whatever it is. So I then circle around. I go into the office. I go, look, I already paid for this thing. It's sitting right there. I got the Explorer backed up. I got the hatch open. I'll put it in myself. I got five dudes waiting for me back at the house. I got a bunch of glass I gotta unload. Let me just toss it in, guys behind the counter, like, yeah, if he says no, it's no.

[Gina Grad]

What store is this?

[Adam Carolla]

This is like Wanamaker's Rent Rentals.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna throw them under the bus.

[Adam Carolla]

You can rent. You can rent. They're not there anymore, thankfully. You can rent snakes. You can rent chipping hammers, jackhammers, and pickup trucks, you know, for your drink.

[Brian Bishop]

Pipes.

[Gina Grad]

Pipes. Kenny Stabler.

[Adam Carolla]

So I said, listen, I said, man.

[Gina Grad]

Rest in peace, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

I said to the guy behind the counter, I said, look, I got the paperwork. The thing's there. Everyone's waiting for me, the car's backed up. Somebody throw it in and leave. They're like, no, you gotta leave. And I'm like, are you fucking shitting me? And they're like, can't have it. He says, no, it's. No. That's what our insurance will cover. That's it. And I was like, I rarely do this, but I was like, you know what? I got a radio show, and I'm going to fucking get on it. The next morning, I would tell everyone not to come here, and I'm going to tell them what a horrible experience I had. And by the way, I do a lot of work. A lot of work. And you'll never see my shadow in this place again. Never. Never. And I know a lot of guys who work in the trades and stuff. No. Unless you give me that genie lift right now because you're ruining my day. Give it to me right now, everything's cool. If not, you'll never see me again. I'll never be in here. So help me God, I'll kill anyone that comes in here again. And they're. I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's that and I said, okay, fuck you. And I stormed out. And then I proceeded to call every single rental yard in North America to try to find a fucking genie lift. And not a one of them had it. They're all like, yeah, we don't have it. Or the last one is rented out.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you check the last place? Wanamakers.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you. Where to God. So then I call my buddy Ray Adam.

[Gina Grad]

You get down to Home Depot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Find yourself a couple Mexican Central American guys, give him like $40 in lunch. They'll put all the glass in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the glass. It's £500. You can't get it up to the second floor.

[Gina Grad]

Pyramids that you can't get it up.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't.

[Gina Grad]

They didn't know the man could come off on a horse when they saw it. They don't give a the crosses. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, it cannot this 500 pound glass. And by the way, if it, if it hits a corner, catches edge, the whole thing can crashing, shatters. It'll fucking shatter, bro. I need a genie lift. So I call my buddy Ray and I go, Ray, you got a loser buddy as a motorcycle shop's got a van. Yes. Commandeer that van. They'll put it in the van. Go take the van, go take it to this Wandamaker's place. Don't bring my name up. Cause I told everyone there to fuck themselves and I told them I was never coming back. You go in there, do it nonchalantly like, oh, you got a genie lift. I guess I could grab one of those, why not? And go get the van. Pack of gum and pack of gum and go. I'll take a comb, a pack of gum and. Did he have those genie lips? Just, you know, not for nothing.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh hey, just thought of this on a whim.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't bring my name up, but go in there and go get this genie lift and go get the van and grab it and meet us back at my house as fast as you can. I still got five guys waiting for.

[Gina Grad]

Me and you got four guys. I fucking bounce. I bounce. I gotta go.

[Adam Carolla]

I need you now.

[Gina Grad]

I gotta hand in my ticket, my football ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

Randy, I need you, I need you to hang.

[Gina Grad]

It says LA Lambs on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Randy, hang out. We're gonna, we're gonna raise the glass in a second. My buddy Ray's got a van.

[Gina Grad]

Rhode Island Randy.

[Adam Carolla]

Rhode Island Randy Warwick, dude, Ray's got a van. He's going over there.

[Gina Grad]

Bunch of Portuguese.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gon. He's going to go get my genie lift. For me, he gets the van, he goes over there, and then he calls me. Now, this is ray at age 45 and a half. And this is where the story's coming around, too. And this is our last call. I was a man with this. Age 35 of this $40 overdrawn deposit ruined his day. Ray calls and goes, I can't pick up the genie lift. I said, where are you? I'm here. I got the genie list. I can't get it. I said, why not? They need your credit card. I said, Ray, you're 45. You don't have a credit card. Hold on.

[Gina Grad]

It's the guy. Ray from Hamburger Hamlet. The carpet cleaning Ray guy. I headbutted his face at Roxbury, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

And then they turned it to pink Taco. They ruined the landmark.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You know what Ray said crushed that kid, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray did not internalize. Ray got very defensive, and he said, hey, man, my mom died a year ago, okay? And the credit card was in her name, so back off. And I was like, oh, yeah, like, my credit cards go in the second my old man goes tits up. You're 45. You don't have your own credit card? No, it's in my mom's name.

[Gina Grad]

That's the thing with Ray. He don't know how to process feelings.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. He doesn't.

[Gina Grad]

Randy, where's Adam coming from?

[Adam Carolla]

Not Rhode Island. Randy, you are in touch with your feelings. So what I'm saying is, how'd you.

[Jay Mohr]

Get the glass up there?

[Gina Grad]

Why are you yelling, everybody?

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta know.

[Gina Grad]

Give her another drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray. Ray. Ray. Had to put the guy on the phone.

[Gina Grad]

Fucking piss.

[Adam Carolla]

And I had to just go say, this. This here's my credit card number, remember? Now, you still should have the invoice I wiped my ass with before I stormed out of here. That should be crumpled up by the potted plant next to the. I literally just had to eat. I needed this thing and nobody else had it. And I literally had to. Just after I told the guy to himself and he'd never see me again, I had to just.

[Gina Grad]

Hey, Adam. Sounds like you and Ray maybe should have communicated. Well, we tried at the place you were at. The place you guys were probably in, like, different. It's like Somalia.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know he didn't have a credit card.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, I didn't know. You're a block away. We got no walkie talk, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Blackhawk Down. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

No, I took everybody out, bro. Everybody in the chalk hit the. When I came out of the Chop, but you know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody give a Feel better. Matt, we got another man who's torn as meniscus. Yeah. So internalize everybody.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a teachable moment. Matt. 44, Nashville, what's going on? Yeah. How you doing? Good, man. I went to the doctor today because.

[Matt]

My knee's been hurting.

[Gina Grad]

You're a fat guy, though. Come on. Are you a big fat guy?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm huge.

[Gina Grad]

You're huge. You're a huge human. Look, it's Randy Warwick. All right, listen. Yeah, I'm from Rhode Island. You know, if I'm gonna do my pro wrestling dream.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you gotta wrestle Randy.

[Gina Grad]

Rhode island don't have a ring to it, bro. Whatever. Fat guy's gonna call the Adam Carolla podcast and go, my knee hurts. You know what? My balls hurt. You'll see Gina laughing at him like a fucking Pomeranian.

[Jay Mohr]

No, you do not.

[Gina Grad]

No. You know why? Because I didn't fucking ask you yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Have another drink.

[Gina Grad]

Get her another drink. Who's the voice man over there? How big?

[Adam Carolla]

How big a guy? How big are you?

[Gina Grad]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Six, five, two?

[Matt]

90.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a lot of substantial. A lot of men, bro.

[Gina Grad]

I take it back, I don't know. You a fucking monster. Jesus Christ is a fucking white defensive end. Great white gorilla. Don't come to our village and steal our bottled water. All right?

[Adam Carolla]

And you're still. You tore your meniscus.

[Gina Grad]

That's when I found out.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't know what I did to tear it. Nothing with my kids.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe my kid's the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I tore my kid out, bro. I tore my meniscus times two. And where's the meniscus?

[Gina Grad]

It's in your knee, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

It's in your knee. Put your pants down.

[Gina Grad]

I'll show you. Let me give a nice massage.

[Jay Mohr]

Frontal or backal?

[Gina Grad]

Does it. You go on your side. I don't give a shit. With those fucking jugs. Let me hold them.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Randy.

[Gina Grad]

I sound like Jim Florentine. I realize, right?

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit.

[Gina Grad]

The metal show.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Matt. Yes, sir. You're in great company. Because I've done mine twice. The one time I did it, I was 21. I got it surgically repaired, and then I got in the biggest street fight of my life, and it was absolutely fine. And then the next time I did it was like 23 years later and went and entered a vintage race in Coronado and crashed my car. But the next day, Right, so you're pretty much good to either get into a street fight or crash a vintage Datsun the following Day, the procedure.

[Jay Mohr]

That's exciting.

[Gina Grad]

I had a meniscus tear, and I. I was, you know, flopping and fighting the next day. I just never addressed it, and it just kind of went away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not something you can kind of live with for a while. I've had it two times. I guess the one time was the weird thing, which I. I still don't know what to do. You guys tell me what you would do. I played the Moore theater. We're going to the Moore Theater in Seattle. It's coming up in April, and. Big room.

[Gina Grad]

How many seats is that, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, 1800.

[Gina Grad]

That must be nice to invent alcohol and then.

[Adam Carolla]

It's nice.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's good. You do work with glass, though. You've really worked your way along.

[Adam Carolla]

I met a guy after the show, and he said, you ever had a pair of custom shoes. Running shoes made. Made for you? Then he dropped this bomb.

[Gina Grad]

Orthotics.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. He said, you ever had. You ever. You know what it's like to wear a pair of custom made running shoes?

[Gina Grad]

I mean, they're called Bergenstocks. When I go to Coachella. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

When I go see run the Jewels. Because I'm hit with kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I come from family. Like, you want two PF Flyers? You can't just hop around on one. Well, l. D. Father. I want shoes, everybody.

[Gina Grad]

No, Brian, you weren't there. His father broke his balls for just having two legs. It was like a hassle.

[Adam Carolla]

Bro, why did you get my shoes from the supermarket in that weird basket that they'd have.

[Brian Bishop]

$8 over it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like. Like the Adidas with the four stripes. So all of a sudden, the guy says, I'm gonna make you some custom shoes. Custom running, New Balance shoes with custom orthotics. And it's like, you're not a runner. I know, but it's.

[Gina Grad]

You jump rope like a son of a bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm doing. And it's free. So the guy goes, all right, are you a manager?

[Gina Grad]

I know, but it's free, man. I'm gonna turn down running shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm stepping on gels, and he's taking imprints and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, oh, one foot's a ten and a half and the other's eleven and blah, blah, blah. And five weeks later in the mail, here comes some $300 custom made running shoes. And I put them on, and like, for the first time ever, I was like, oh, shoes built for my foot.

[Jay Mohr]

That's what that's supposed to feel like.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally I just buy elevens or ten and a half, but this is ten and a half and eleven. It's all custom, blah, blah, blah. And I put them on. And that night I go to skip my rope and something I do every single night, and I tear my meniscus. Now, do I dare put those shoes on again?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it absolutely has something to do with the shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Because your foot's working a different way with the. With the different fit of the shoe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

It has to be the shoe, because I've seen you jump rope and from just the movie the Hammer that's over. What? That's 15 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

10 plus or 10. 10 around.

[Gina Grad]

I was walking in my buddy Kelly. And the wall of all the photos, you have, like. You have, like, the best wall of any people. Try to make it cool, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Where you go to their place, like your shit. You got, like, Newman and all that stuff going on. And then a little thing of the hammer. I mean, my buddy looked at each other. I said, you see the hammer? He goes, yeah. And apparently Corolla can fucking fight. I said, yeah, bro. He's fucking crazy, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

How do you think we got the Hamburger Hamlet?

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

You know what? I said, wait, you did it, bro. I just fucking hung out. But when you got busted with that grass, I fucking took care of you. Randy Warwick.

[Adam Carolla]

I like Randy.

[Gina Grad]

Dionne Warwick's my aunt. You know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I wouldn't know.

[Gina Grad]

I don't even know how, though, bro. It's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Raina, can I just say one thing?

[Gina Grad]

She had a face like a fox. Like an actual. Like the animal, not like a foxy chick. No, she. She's my aunt, bro. It's gross.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Gina Grad]

Are you still. Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you still dipping? Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, Kodiak. But I go on the top now because my bottom gums were bleeding.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. So you dip Kodiak, but you go up, up, up top.

[Gina Grad]

Up a deck, huh? Yeah. Well, you don't do that no more.

[Adam Carolla]

I stopped dipping.

[Gina Grad]

You change, bro. Holly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I just. It' Hollywood thing. It's just, you know, I got kids.

[Gina Grad]

You going to the Grammys, bro?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

You see Beyonce at the halftime.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Shaking that, bro. I thought that was Earl. Campbell says how hot she is. I'm like, who? Eric Piano me out there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's got some quads on her.

[Gina Grad]

People act like Jesus got resurrected with lady ports.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

I'm like, all right, that's cool. Little Joe Morris, you want to move your fat Ass off my screen. I'm watching Coldplay. Real talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

All the pret ladies where they're not in this video, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's got a lot of. She's got a lot of strong thigh on her.

[Gina Grad]

Earl Campbell, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

She took out the bars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

No, for real.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

And it's reality.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

She told side by side, he's like, I think you're in my trailer. She said, not no more. And she cracked him in the Adam's apple with a chop, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a fan of Beyonce, but a big fan of power docs.

[Gina Grad]

She's phenomenally talented.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but. But she's got a lot of.

[Jay Mohr]

It's a little thick for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Not since little Christian Okoye. Grace. That Christian Okoye.

[Gina Grad]

I'll see you. You know what you don't understand. I could. I could play 80s running backs with you, and we could lose everybody. You and I would be. Go home with little boners.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Brian Bishop]

How long till Craig Hayward gets brought up?

[Gina Grad]

I do. Yeah, we wouldn't do that because he's. You know, you want a dead guy that's not royalty? I'll bring you Ricky Bell. All right. She's big. Too soon. She's bigger than Ricky Bell, though. Was like, a little back on a.

[Adam Carolla]

On an honest note. Andy Warwick, on an honest, like, note. I feel like she does have. She's a little too much woman for me, really.

[Brian Bishop]

I can see that.

[Adam Carolla]

I really.

[Gina Grad]

No, it's like, articles like, not even Beyonce could save the halftime show.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, saying, like, if you ever go to a gun range, that's the hottest.

[Gina Grad]

Woman in the world right there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. It's. She scares me a little bit. A little too much. Little too much.

[Gina Grad]

That's a 1992 Indiana Pacer. That's like Spencer Heywood, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can I say this? If you ever go to a shooting range and they, like, recognize you, they'll go, oh, Bob, get the Widowmaker. And then you go like, huh. Oh, this thing is a. It's a 17th century musket, but it was actually meant to shoot at ships. It wasn't a dueling musket. It was for bringing down shift. I wouldn't bring down something with two or three hundred souls in it, you know, but it definitely could bring down a decent sized ship. And then the guys. It's a. It's powder actuated. It's a flintlock. But anyway, it should. We'll put the goggles on. And you're sort of saying, like, you're trying to be polite and go, it's too much. It's a little too much gun for me. Like, how about you get me a nice.44 or.38 or something? And I'll take some time. Just give me a little. 22. Let me do some target practice here. And they're going, no, no, no. Now get the. That's a full size eagle that's been engraved onto the stock of. And it's actually bigger than an actual eagle. You're like, it's too much. It's too much for me.

[Brian Bishop]

What's up?

[Gina Grad]

Sorry about the cross talk. You don't even know. Ace man's gonna loop this all the way back around to Jay Z's wife. You're gonna blow your. Did he land this jet, man? What Runway is large enough for this, right? He's talking about fucking rifle range.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Ships in the ocean. 300 souls, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a C130 gunship.

[Gina Grad]

Game over. Game over. He's a fucking jam band. He just went back into my morning song, and you were like, I forgot he was playing it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't got enough Gatling gun or spent uranium to keep up with it. That's all I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

I. I'm just being. I'm tired of being told, who's the best? Who's the. Like people. When you do interviews, Adam, you know this, they go, who's the next great comic? And it's like, first of all, nobody's gonna drive to Buffalo from New Jersey for 50 bucks when they're 17. That just. That person's gone, right? Because they have their rooms. The cool room, the black room, the white room, the hippie room, the pot room. And we work. Adam roofed, for fuck's sake. You know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

All right. But the other thing, too, is I always go, whoever Vanity Fair goes, this is our comedy issue. There's like, nine people on the COVID They don't do stand up, Right? Like, this is our stand up comedy. It's like Tina Fey, Bill Murray. I'm fucking confused.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

These are the new faces.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Nobody knows who Kevin Hart is. Good job. Good scoop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree.

[Gina Grad]

Dave Attell and Brian Regan are digging ditches in the middle of nowhere, and they gotta tell us that fucking Beyonce is the hottest woman in the world. You know? The hottest woman in the world is Brian. What's that? Your wife to you, my wife to me, Lynette to him, Fucking Michelle to Jayna.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Gina Grad]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I like the perspective.

[Gina Grad]

Don't tell me who's the hottest?

[Steve Schrippa]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt. 27, Iowa.

[Matt]

Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man.

[Matt]

Need a little bit of cheering up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

12 degrees. Like 12 degrees in Iowa? Football season's over.

[Gina Grad]

Like, you moved there. Adam, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? Yeah. Hold on, Randy.

[Gina Grad]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Gina Grad]

I knew. I knew the shelf life was exactly that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, listen, keep track of your dip can, would you?

[Gina Grad]

This time, what I'm using as an.

[Adam Carolla]

Ashtray I was emptying. Geez. I think it was. It was a ma. That was yours.

[Gina Grad]

A sink.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying just keep track of the dip can. I don't mind.

[Gina Grad]

Come in. Maybe bald Brian could tell me that's a sink next time.

[Adam Carolla]

I like you going up, Kodiak.

[Brian Bishop]

I dropped the ball on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Dropped the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Matt, where were we? 12 degrees in Iowa.

[Matt]

Yeah. Football season's over, and all my friends are democratic socialists. They're all feeling the burn up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the good news about it being cold is you can go ahead and get f. And it's actually an advantage.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's insulation.

[Adam Carolla]

You can dress fat, you can get fat. And sweaters. You have the ultimate excuse for getting out of anything, because there's always the car wouldn't start or the pipe busted. It was frozen over. Whatever driveway didn't shovel the driveway. Whatever. Whatever it is. But also, you live in Iowa, minus your Bernie fans. You get to be around regular, real people, which we don't really get out here in Los Angeles. The weather's good, but it tracks the nut jobs. I mean, not Randy from Rhode island.

[Jay Mohr]

Over here kept it real.

[Adam Carolla]

He's keeping it real.

[Gina Grad]

Nut job. I'm fucking Somalia. I didn't fall off the fucking rope like the first guy out. That's why the whole thing got aborted. No offense, honey.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, you're. You're good. Salt the earth. And he's going to wrestling school right now, and he's gonna. He's undersized, but he's got a lot of what they call grit.

[Gina Grad]

Bro, I didn't juice up yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you didn't choose.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but I'm. I'm not even going, like, state of the art. Like, when I start juicing, I'm doing, like, 1985 DECA cycles. Joe Weider.

[Adam Carolla]

Bench Weider. Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

I'm gonna look like a animal sits on the back like a Polish heavyweight. I don't give a right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, like Andrew Galata.

[Gina Grad]

Well, who's that guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Andrew Galata?

[Gina Grad]

What was he, like a Polish heavyweight?

[Adam Carolla]

Polish heavyweight with.

[Gina Grad]

That's Polish heavyweight with Polish heavyweight. Adam Andrew show. Andrew.

[Adam Carolla]

Andrew Galata had back knee and he was a Polish heavyweight.

[Gina Grad]

My kind of guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Gina Grad]

A matt. A matt. A Dan Gable or Cale Sanderson Brown Kale. That's right. You know why, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Kale never lost, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, guy.

[Gina Grad]

Guy went his whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's real. That's real wrestling. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Never lost, dude. Brian went to the Olympics. Taught himself. No points scored against him. Forget it. Very impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Andrew Galata.

[Gina Grad]

If you ever do candle pin bowling, Brian, you want to come with me and my mom later? I never done that candle pin bowling.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

What are you.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe is Andrew Galata. Andrew Galata was beating the out of Riddick Bowe and he could not stop punching him in the balls.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah, the gay Polish guy with his ass.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Gina Grad]

I just kept jack.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he was racist and either way.

[Gina Grad]

Kept jacking that dick.

[Adam Carolla]

He couldn't stop Brooklyn Cop. It got to the point where his corner just pulled him aside and said, you're winning this fight, you're going to get it stopped. Don't even punch him to the body, only headshots. And he walked right out there and punched him in the nuts again. And the guy's going to take the heavyweight title. And I don't know who had the strap or how it worked, but the point is the guy was either going to take the heavyweight strap or he was going to be in line to fight Evander Holyfield. Except for the part where he couldn't prevent himself from punching this guy who was shorter than him in the balls over and over again.

[Jay Mohr]

Well, a man suffered chest pains and died while competing in the 12th annual Krispy Kreme Challenge on Saturday. Now listen to what he had to do though.

[Gina Grad]

Woody Harrelson's pot shop.

[Jay Mohr]

A 58 year old man reported having chest pains within the first mile of the race. They actually had to race however many miles and eat like a ton of donuts at the same time. And then he was transported to an ambulance and then to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. In the race, contestants have to run five miles while eating a dozen donuts in an hour and put him over the edge.

[Adam Carolla]

This is again one of our.

[Gina Grad]

Like, that's the guy to call with the tor meniscus right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we got the first world problems.

[Gina Grad]

A little whisper of Randy Warwick still in it. My own regular voice.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, it's. No, it's perfect. I like Randy Randy. And I like that you dip Kodiak, but you go top shelf with my gums.

[Gina Grad]

Are bleeding.

[Adam Carolla]

You go upper deck with your Kodiak.

[Gina Grad]

What's your voice guy's name? Dude with the beard?

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson.

[Gina Grad]

See Dawson doing diamond push ups on the linoleum?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't see that.

[Gina Grad]

He said he tricked you into putting. How do you say the word linoleum?

[Adam Carolla]

Hammer.

[Gina Grad]

What is in the mangria? This shit's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

You are smoking hot, honey. Thank.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Jesus.

[Brian Bishop]

Ray's a fan.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he's a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a fuck.

[Gina Grad]

I'm available, all right? I don't give a fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

So he.

[Gina Grad]

He died outside the Indian casino, Dude.

[Jay Mohr]

Yeah, he. Oh, he died within the first mile of the race.

[Gina Grad]

So actually he's the absolute fattest goddamn pig slob person he'll be. Best see if I don't like the way it's going. I changed to Randy's. People are like, that was kind of harsh today.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel though, like, A, if you're gonna go, this is better than a car accident.

[Jay Mohr]

Sure, a couple of donuts.

[Adam Carolla]

And B, I love the message it sends to the rest of the world, which is we don't know what to do with ourselves.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't have ways to kill ourselves.

[Adam Carolla]

We are literally going to burn calories and consume calories simultaneously. Like, you guys are digging your necks well, trying to figure out what tribe's gonna engage in the ethnic cleansing. Necks. If we're out of tires to put around camera crews and light on fire and we're doing half marathons with donuts.

[Gina Grad]

You think the best way to go is car crash?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying this is better. Dying when your heart explodes because you've had your ninth Krispy Kreme and you're the first mile.

[Gina Grad]

That's a fucking pain, dude. That's a horrible way to go in front of everybody, like, cheering you on. What's the guy's name?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably Matt.

[Gina Grad]

I thought maybe she had in her story. I know, like sentence two, the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of this competition.

[Gina Grad]

News story. Some guy did this.

[Adam Carolla]

The best part of this compet to seeing them run by the training table, grabbing the glasses of eggnog and dumping it on their face as they go by and then throwing the cup away.

[Gina Grad]

And then Ron Jeremy's like, do you guys have any call back? That wasn't even.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now she's been Peter North.

[Gina Grad]

Everyone's clapping. Yeah, and cheering for you. And that shit hurts. A heart attack. I've had like 16 of them, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really, bro?

[Gina Grad]

We were cleaning out fucking, what was it? Pets for less in the Valley. Yeah, we had to clean that place out. Cause it was filled with sawdust in the back. Cause of the fucking hamsters. Yeah, you saw me.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you shouldn't be juicing. Maybe you shouldn't be juicing if you're gonna the right.

[Gina Grad]

When we got behind where the Starbucks is now on cold water. You saw me take a name, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

That hurts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You tried to pick me up. I started yelling at you like I didn't know. You're my best friend. Even though you swing from Ray's balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, he shouldn't have his mom's credit card.

[Gina Grad]

I need your credit card, Adam. I want you to do for me all the time. What do I do? Come on over. We'll make some Mangria drinks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we will. Just take your dip cup this time. That's all I'm saying. Just don't leave it behind.

[Gina Grad]

What's the best way to die? What's the best way?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think. Fucking your mistress.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Fucking to death.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Nobody wants to go in this.

[Gina Grad]

Because then you got like, right as you leave and like, oh, all these fucking secrets in my heart that can't be good for the ether.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, you're right.

[Gina Grad]

I want to die knowing it went to one place only. The fucking I see every Monday. Because apparently I have challenged sperm with goddamn helmets on.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Colin, you trying to get your wife pregnant again?

[Gina Grad]

And again. Here's the thing. The guy my wife right as I leave. This is actually Jay Moore story, but I'll do it as Colin. She goes, do me a favor, don't watch any porn while you're in there. You know? You know. I go, why not? I mean. Well, I didn't say why not. I go, of course not.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

But I go, no, I wasn't planning on it. What made you think I would, you know? And she goes, you know, I don't want our babies. How was, you know, I made that. He was looking at like black ladies scissoring, you know, it's not really a romantic story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So she gives me kissing the lips and I just rub one out. I just drive as fast as I.

[Adam Carolla]

Can, trying to get pregnant.

[Gina Grad]

Well, I'm not. I'm a guy, dummy.

[Adam Carolla]

What am I gonna do, have a.

[Gina Grad]

Baby in my balls?

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

That's gonna hurt my urethra, bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't mean it that way, but you know what I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

Trying to have a baby, Adam, it's not easy. Little hard, Adam, when you're down the road is doing Broadway as much as I am. You know, there's a crew of 19 in here.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's pray at home.

[Jay Mohr]

I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[Randy Warwick]

Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina.

[Gina Grad]

That was the news with Gina Grad.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's adam Cole Show 1754. Coming up next, we have Adam K Show 1258. We got Rob Huble, David Wild, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2014. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Rob Hubel here. Welcome to the Jungle. Also stars Jean Claude Van Damme. Adam Brony, Christian Schall. Good to see you, Rob.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for coming back.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. That movie is not. It's not like Jean Claude Van Damme just, like, walks by. Like, it's like his movie. He's like. He's the guy in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't figure out if I'm in love with him or not.

[Allison Rosen]

I will say this. I was sort of worried. We shot that movie a while ago in Puerto Rico, and I was kind of worried about meeting him. I thought, like, you know, I don't know if this guy's gonna be cool or not. And he was actually, like, a super fun dude and, like, totally aware of his Persona. And just as, like, the guy that you want to meet, you know, like when you, like. I mean, he wears a hat that says jcvd. And, like, when you go out, like, you know, to a bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta get him together with Michael Love from the Beach Boys. It's the two guys who wear the hat with their shit all over it. Interesting. Yeah. I was watching Time Cop the other night, and I was blown away by the fact that that movie came out in 1994 and took place in 2004 about a cop who travels back in time to stop crime.

[Allison Rosen]

Do we have that technology? I'm not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

We had it briefly a decade ago, and then we lost it. It's like what the Romans did with cement.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

They had it. Then it was lost for a thousand years, and then we found it again.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, here it.

[Adam Carolla]

Does anyone raise their hand at those meetings and go, you know, by the time we're done with the principal photography here, we'll be pretty close to 2004.

[Allison Rosen]

We could just push the date back a little.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like we have half a time machine right now. By then we'll have it completed. We don't have anything close to a time machine.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What would be the danger of just pushing it forward? They'd lose credibility.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I figured it out. I figured out what it is. Cars and architecture. Like, there's a bunch of scenes where like, rich guy sits in the back of limousine, not hovercraft limousine driving through Washington D.C. we don't have to put a new dome on any buildings or anything. So everyone goes, I don't want to change the cars that much. Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

We don't have the money to get. Yeah, all that. It's not like Blade Runner where you can make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it would make more sense to make it 2051, but then the cars would have to build them all from scratch and that's a fucking huge expense. That's my take on it.

[Allison Rosen]

But Time Cop, does that hold up?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It would be ironic if Time Cop did not hold up.

[Brian Bishop]

There would lie the iron.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when the time machine is finally completed, the guys who made Time Cop can go back and rethink their decision on having it take place in 2000 fucking four. That's the first order of business when we do get a working time machine. Everyone who makes a movie with a time machine, go back in time and don't fucking do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Just change the date on the screen that flashes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right. But, but Jean Claude, what's crazy, I don't know how old he is exactly, but he's in crazy shape.

[Adam Carolla]

Neither is he, but I know he is amazing.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, we would, we would because, you know, we shot it in the middle of nowhere in Puerto Rico and we were all staying at like this little place on the beach. And so he would hang out, like at night and like, you know, we would go out and drink on the beach and he would tell stories about like his awesome, crazy career. But prior to that, like, you know, we would all go out to dinner or whatever and he would go to the gym at like 11 o'clock at night and just like get bulked up at like, 11.

[Adam Carolla]

He's 53, I'm told. But. Well, don't you think part of the problem, like, this is why you want to be Michael Moore and not Jean Claude Van Damme? Because you must be Jean Claude Van Damme because no one wants to go, oh, he really lost his fastball.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you're right. I think you got to pick your size pretty much when you do, like your permanent size, you know, like, you can't start off super buff because then your whole life you have to be super or you're gonna get ripped apart. People are gonna be like, oh, you.

[Adam Carolla]

If you just picked like a Michael. Jean Claude Moore just sort of met in the middle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Just to sort of Doughie meets Vaney and jcm.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Everyone should start fat and showing up to work late and leaving early because then you've only got, you know, you can only improve.

[Allison Rosen]

Like it's probably hard for Jonah Hill because like Jonah Hill was big and then got super skinny. And then I don't know where he is now. I guess he. He's somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

He's working his way back to Moore and a little way from Jean Claude. But then, yeah, then when you put the weight back on, he goes, he's.

[Brian Bishop]

On the Favreau plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Apropos of really nothing. But I don't know why I feel it's important to turn the sound down and watch TV every once in a while because you discover things about the TV and yourself. And I skip my rope with the sound down on the tv and I just watch. And I watch commercials and I was watching a deodorant commercial and I thought, has there ever been a deodorant commercial? It's all about the young 27 year old chick who has the big presentation at the architectural firm or whatever the. She's super nervous, super nervous. She's good looking. She's not hot. She could be hot, but she has her hair sort of done in a certain way. She's all business glasses and it's a big thing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And there's maybe there's a crowded subway.

[Adam Carolla]

She slaps on. Yeah, she slaps the secret on. And then you see her going to the board room and then they do that kind of fade thing where the time, time has passed and people are laughing and pointing at her work. And a lot of guys are sort of giving knowing nods.

[Brian Bishop]

Older guy shoots her a thumbs up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Has there ever been a deodorant commercial where shit just didn't work out right? You know, but you were dry.

[Brian Bishop]

That's when you need the deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that did work was the deodorant. The fucking presentation was a disaster. They went with another firm. They laughed you right out of the room.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you had a pantry.

[Adam Carolla]

It always goes really nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you shit your pants, but you did not sweat. You did not pit out.

[Adam Carolla]

You shit out. You didn't pit out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they should be shitty.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Ultimate test of a deodorant, if you shit your pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the montage where it's all going great. The montage where the fucking jokes are landing with a thud. Nobody likes your rendering of the new Music Center.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, you hear that feedback?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the microphone. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

You accidentally say Something racist.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And there's a black guy sitting there. Oh no. Heavyset black woman. Mars starts shaking her head. Yeah, she's shaking her head.

[Allison Rosen]

She writes something down. Know what it is? But she writes something down.

[Brian Bishop]

But as they leave the room, you raise your arm to stop, stop. Don't go dry.

[Adam Carolla]

Bone dry, bone dry in the department. Couldn't have gone worse.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like a 10 minute commercial, by the way. There's a lot going on in that commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to know a, a deodorant commercial. Whether it's a wedding day, a big presentation, or a guy going out for his first date.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or just went all to shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think it's never happened.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think they do that.

[Adam Carolla]

They probably don't.

[Brian Bishop]

That's something Old Spice should do.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you learn from watching TV with the sound down? I mean, besides commercials? Like, I think you probably focus on other things like you said. But like if you're watching like an episode of something, do you know, like in a movie, I always start watching the background people and you start noticing how shitty the background actors are and how much people are just like looking into the camera and like, like smiling, trying to get on camera, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Watch episode of Friends when they're at Central Perk all sitting on the sofa having a conversation about Chandler not smoking.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How can you turn the sound off of that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's damn near impossible. Well, first off, it's knowing that it's TiVoed and I can watch it many times with the sound.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want to skip that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but that, that's when you see all the fake conversations really going down.

[Allison Rosen]

Really heightened, like people really animated, talking with their hands a lot and tell that extra in the background to take it down. Take it down.

[Adam Carolla]

So you and Jean Claude out in the jungle?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we went down to the jungle. Adam Brody and Kristen Shaw and. And Dennis Haysbert. Oh yeah, from the All State commercials. Yeah. And so the movie is basically like a very, very fucked up and hilarious Lord of the Flies. Like it's all these co workers and we have to go on this wilderness team building weekend. And Jean Claude Van Damme is like the instructor that runs this wilderness workshop. And then everything goes to shit and we all basically turn into savages and barbarians.

[Adam Carolla]

It's available on video on demand, by the way, and in select theaters. All right, Allison, should we do a little news and Rob, you hang out?

[Allison Rosen]

I would love to hear what's going on in the news.

[Gina Grad]

The news With Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Gina Grad]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison Allison.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Article here about how apparently it is warm enough for the Summer games in Sochi. Today it was 61 degrees Fahrenheit. Skiers are putting snow in their racing to cool down, which sounds really uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Must be the cross country guys, right? I feel like the, you know, freestyle stuff and the shorter stuff.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You could probably, probably have problems with ski jumpers who are landing in puddles. They had to postpone a few things.

[Adam Carolla]

Dangerous.

[Brian Bishop]

It's weird watching. It's crazy watching the cross country guys just collapse after they cross the finish line. That's their move. As soon as they finish down on the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

No more physically involved sport that yields less pussy.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you're not gonna get pussy in that sport.

[Adam Carolla]

One day I'd like to get a group of cross country skiers and rodeo clowns just to sit around and commiserate like I'm a world class athlete who beats off every fucking night. I don't have the energy to beat off. I'm so fucking tired.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm too tired to beat off, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys put your lives on the line every time the rodeo comes into town and you get fucking nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing. You might get gored if you're lucky.

[Adam Carolla]

Gourd.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, if you're lucky.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to. I'd like to be the guy who pitches the ideas to the rodeo clowns. Like, hey, this would be super funny. You guys all sit around a folding table and play cards, okay? And then we let a 2000 pound bull loose. Now here's the thing. You can't get up and run, otherwise you lose the game.

[Allison Rosen]

The last man to get up, up, he wins. The last man to get up.

[Adam Carolla]

So you have to sit there. Now, if the bull charges you, you can't put your cards down or anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, Ralph, question. Great idea as usual. Seems extraordinarily dangerous, especially if you win the game. I'm just spitballing here.

[Adam Carolla]

Do not worry. I will be like an angel hovering over you from obviously from one of the luxury boxes up top of the stadium. But I will be up there and I'm going to make sure. I mean, I'll have about a four beer buzz, but I'm not going to be so drunk that I can't call 911 if the unthinkable happens.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever seen. There's one rodeo thing where they. They do it with prisoners. It's like a prison. And they put a thing on the bull's head that you have to grab. They, like, strap. They put like, pack of cigarettes. Yeah. Something on his head. For real. And it's like the prisoner that can go up and grab it off the bull's head and like, that guy gets to get a pack of circles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there is the. Yeah. It's a button that says conjugal visit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that's crazy about. Yeah. They have the prison rodeo.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you serious?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, That's a real thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, currently or is this.

[Allison Rosen]

It's in Louisiana.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's very popular, let me tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

Barely. Nice. It's very running man.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a better running man.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a better running man. Yeah. And they. They. They get out there.

[Brian Bishop]

Running of the bulls, man.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's going back to Sochi for one second?

[Adam Carolla]

Who.

[Allison Rosen]

Who are we winning? Who's winning?

[Adam Carolla]

Does anyone know? I like the medals.

[Brian Bishop]

As of last night, we were tied for first.

[Adam Carolla]

Canada. Right now, it's so funny how you do that. Medals. Like you pretend like you're not that into it, and then they go, medal count. Shut the up. And they go. They hear this and then they go. Canada's number one with nine gold, four silver, and five. Oh, shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Should have gone with round numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I should have gone with that.

[Brian Bishop]

Two, two, and two.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And, you know, nine bronze. And then they'll do the one where the United States coming in second with nine gold and three bronze. You go, oh, what a fucking bronze. That doesn't count. No one's playing a medal. Three bronzes to one gold. They're only one gold ahead of us.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. That's chicken shit. Yeah, there's that. I'll do the bronze. Whatever, man. I think that metal count should be a gold. I'd like to just keep it a gold.

[Allison Rosen]

Just keep it on gold.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's wait and see. Whatever benefits us the most and then decide.

[Allison Rosen]

And then we'll go back. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How many guys. And there's been a lot of them who've formerly been in the Olympics with a bronze medal have tried to pawn it off to some drunken floozy as gold with a little tarnish.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

I would say all bronze medalists.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever that number is.

[Adam Carolla]

Gold. You're one wipe of Tarnex away from knowing exactly what this is. It's just I'm not one of These jack offs.

[Allison Rosen]

That Buffett buff up my metal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's lost some of its shimmer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's been a while, right? Yeah. Since I won that curling. I mean. Yeah. Dominated.

[Brian Bishop]

Those guys hate Wikipedia.

[Allison Rosen]

There was a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't say bronze on it, does it?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so. I think you just have to look at it and be like, oh. Oh, yeah. But you're right. You could just say it's tarnished.

[Adam Carolla]

Would most like drunken hostesses from TGI Fridays and Canoga park really know if you just went, it's got a little tarnish on it?

[Allison Rosen]

No, not from Canoga Park.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I wouldn't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Not from Canoga Park.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't even work at TGI Fridays.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I mean, tangentially related. Don't you guys have this experience where you walk into people's houses, especially in la, and they have an Emmy sitting there? I would have. No. And it's like, oh, what? How? I don't. How. What thing were you working on?

[Adam Carolla]

What's worse, Daytime Emmy or local Emmy?

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, I think local. Local Emmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Local.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Any way you cut it. I think if you have an Emmy, you gotta wear it around your neck like a metal.

[Adam Carolla]

But local means you were huge somewhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We just don't care.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Daytime is like.

[Adam Carolla]

Daytime means you're not big anywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All at once.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Daytime means you don't matter on a national scale.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

But you might have created, I don't know, Sesame street or something. Or the Electric Company.

[Allison Rosen]

You might be a character inside of a muppy.

[Brian Bishop]

Frank Oz.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Have you guys noticed Back to the Olympics for one second?

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of like a Latin Grammy. Yeah. You know what I mean? A little.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a lot like a Latin Grammy.

[Adam Carolla]

It helps out with that Hoguaras video.

[Allison Rosen]

When are the Latin Grammys and are we all going to the Latin American Grammys?

[Adam Carolla]

Could be tonight, could have been yesterday, it could be tomorrow.

[Allison Rosen]

It might be right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll ask Shakira next time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where are you with the baftas and the Palme d'ors?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. It means something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think the BAFTA is like the British Oscar. Right. And Palm Dior is the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I have no idea what that looks like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like going gold in Canada, but because of the population, you only have to sell 128 albums to go gold. Platinum's like 200.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all relative.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's all relative.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So what I was gonna say is, have you noticed that only attractive people snowboard?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you gotta be good looking to snowboard.

[Allison Rosen]

One kid said, this kid, I think today or Yesterday, he's like 20 years old and he's young. And he said that he's already had, like 20 concussions, like, in his career. He's had, like, just a shitload of head injuries.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And that's what makes you attractive.

[Adam Carolla]

He said he had difficulty finding his bong this morning. Yeah, yeah. Snowboarders weren't gonna do anything anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever watched the post race interviews? It's always. They're always so stoked. That's all it is. I was stoked. Oh, I was so stoked. Well, it's so stoked.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird. I was thinking about that too, because we grew up and I feel like I've grown up watching, like, Nadia Comaniche. People like that. First of all, they were old and big and everything. And like, they were. They were. They're bigger than life, but they're also, like super human beings. And you'd see these guys and they're all full of muscles. And the women were so composed and they'd be giving. They'd be interviewed. And then you see the snowboarder ones and it's like Spicoli's talking to Chick Hearns about what he's doing this weekend. And it's like, dude, I was totally stoked. And you're like, this is a kid, like a stoner kid from the valley, talking about being stoked about his gold medal.

[Allison Rosen]

And the thing is, is those guys can be the best of the best. And they're making like, you know, they're getting paid in like, Red Bull, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I thought. I had this horrible thought, which is, I was again. When you watch TV with the sound down, you really get a lot accomplished in your mind.

[Allison Rosen]

You get a lot of thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

I was watching. It was so funny because I was watching the snowboarder. Sure, everyone's good looking. Snowboarding, women's long distance speed skating, not so much.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, just thick.

[Adam Carolla]

They all have the exact same body, but the face is a little rough. And then I always thought to myself, if you look like Christie Brinkley, you wouldn't spend 11 hours a day going in a fucking circle on a piece of frozen shit. Like, it's like half hunched over, like the worst pot. Just that every. You spend every second in the worst moment of you climbing out of your car, you know, like, you know when you're getting out of your car. And you're like that. That moment where you're not quite standing up and you weren't sitting. You're not sitting down. Just that. Just moving your head away from the metal.

[Allison Rosen]

Your butt crack is hanging out, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Your butt cracks hanging out. Say, oh, I dropped my cell phone. That's your whole posture forever. 11 hours a day, just going in a fucking circle. And I just thought Christie Brinkley just wouldn't put up with that. She wouldn't do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Would not put up with that shit. No.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

KTLA reporter Sam Rubin interviewed Samuel L. Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. And it was quite amusing. We have a clip.

[Allison Rosen]

This is amazing.

[Gina Grad]

I tell you what.

[Adam Carolla]

Working for Marvel, the Super bowl commercial, did you get a lot of reaction.

[Gina Grad]

To that super bowl commercial?

[Adam Carolla]

What super bowl commercial? Oh, you know what?

[Gina Grad]

I've been.

[Adam Carolla]

My mistake.

[Gina Grad]

I. You know, see, you're.

[Adam Carolla]

You're as crazy as the people on Twitter, right? I'm not Lawrence Fishburne. That's my fault. I know that. That was my fault. I'm just saying, you know what?

[Gina Grad]

We don't all look alike.

[Allison Rosen]

You're exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

All black and famous. You are guilty. I am. I. I am guilty. I am guilty. Thought you were Bob D. Dylan, right? You're the entertainment reporter. I know you're the entertainment reporter for this station. And you don't know the difference between my. My mistake. My mistake. I apologize. Really. My big mistake. Let's talk about. Must be a very short line for your job. It probably would not be hard to get another person to sit right here. Let's talk about RoboCop.

[Randy Warwick]

Oh, hell no.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Really, My. I apologize. I'm the other guy.

[Gina Grad]

I'm the other guy.

[Adam Carolla]

The other one. What's in your wallet? Right? That's it.

[Gina Grad]

That's exactly right. There's more than one black guy doing a commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Brian Bishop]

It goes on for another 30, 45 seconds, by the way. It gets equally uncomfortable.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it gets pretty. And. And you can. I mean, he's pissed. I mean, he should be pissed. And the other guy's, like, trying. Okay, okay.

[Brian Bishop]

That's like my Robocop.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, no, this is not funny.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm so glad the world is getting to know the Sam Rubin we all know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the animal. That's right. If you can find any video of mayoral candidate Kevin James, he is exact. He. If you want to look for his doppelganger, Sam Rubens doppelganger. He sounds. We just need audio of him. God, that Sounds sucks for Sam Rubin, who I like, because I've done that show a million times and he's fun and all that kind of shit. I love when it's a blast.

[Allison Rosen]

I love when he goes, let's talk about RoboCop and Sam Jackson's like, oh, hell no.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Now, do you think he was given bad research or is that on him?

[Allison Rosen]

He has, because he had to do a lot of press after that. And like, he spent a lot of time on the air after that apologizing for that. And he's, you know, he's claiming that that was just his fuck up, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's also, I interviewed Lawrence Fishburne once and I was told several times, don't call him Larry. And I was like, why would you call him Larry? His name was Laurence Fishburne, you know, and first thing out of my mouth was, thanks for joining us, Larry. And it was like I realized I, I was. It's because I was told, I'll bet you at some point somebody's name popped in. All you have to do is enter. I mean, also, it's fucking. These guys get up at 5:15 in the morning. Your brain's not working that well. Oh, we have Kevin James in studio here. But if you just listen to it. Why am I running? To bring opportunity back to Los Angeles. When I moved here, Conan, 26 years ago now, all you needed to succeed.

[Gina Grad]

In Los Angeles was a dream and.

[Adam Carolla]

A drive to do good. But we've been in a decade of decline. As a columnist wrote in the Wall Street Journal, I'm bored. Where were we? I feel bad for Sam because he's a nice guy. I don't think he's racist. I think he's just.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's five in the morning probably.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. So there's an article here that I thought you might find interesting, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

It says, still, we do love that, don't we?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

It just shows how horrible we are as human beings.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Well, it's fun when something fucked up happens on live tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good. And it's good. Look, we're all just living. There's. There's like, there's two kinds of happiness. There is. I won the gold in snowboarding and Sochi or bronze. And there's Sam Rubin fucked up and it wasn't me.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Schadenfreude.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And also, I'm sure my brain has done that also where I've been like, not Laurence Fishburne, but, oh, Sam Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, listen, the Urban Dictionary has. It's called blacks, and we can work it out. All right, where were we?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Article here says, why don't cars have a sorry signal?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, somebody tweeted me that. But it's true. You need the my bad kind of. Either the I'm sorry for what I did or I didn't mean to honk or whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

So I would say fuck you would be more popular.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel like that's just the long honk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the unbroken honk.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Although something more well articulated would be nice. So here's just an excerpt. So why isn't there some type of horn honk that says sorry? Or more broadly, why isn't there any device at all on cars for communicating helpful messages to other drivers aside from turn signals and brake lights? In an age of Google Glass, insect drones, and Netflix, isn't it a little surprising that I have to wave my hand awkwardly in front of my mirror when I accidentally cut someone off instead of simply activating a blinker in my rear window to make sure the person knows I'm aware of my own incompetence? And then they really sort of get into the potential ramifications of having a my bad kind of thing. Like, would people think you're weak?

[Adam Carolla]

I think if we did, we don't need to retrofit the cars. We just need a sequence of honks. And to me, the beginning song from Green Acres. Da da da da da da da. I think that's all you need. We don't have to keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't have to do the whole song.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the whole song.

[Allison Rosen]

Because that would take forever.

[Adam Carolla]

I think people get the picture once you just get the Tim tape.

[Allison Rosen]

The temptation with the actual light would be just to turn it on and just fucking go crazy. Drive around all day with it on and just be like, yeah, you know, just. I'm already apologizing to everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I can do whatever I want.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It would be like in speech, when people go, I'm sorry, but. And then they say something horrible. They're not sorry at all. And I bet you did not know this, but thank you. Lights for cars were actually made as early as 1934 with the hope that, quote, their widespread use may tend to bring about better road manners by the touring public, thus helping to reduce the number of accidents. So something like this was actually patented and I guess, made but never really took off.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you should be able to chat with other cars if you see someone that you like. In another car, you just punch in their license plate number, and then it just goes, like, bloop, bloop. And you can sit there. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they have.

[Allison Rosen]

There could be a lot of fatal accidents, like, on the first day.

[Adam Carolla]

There is.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Who needs them anyway, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Gary, maybe you can find these guys. They do the, like, LED messages on the rims that there's a way to do. If you go to Vegas. You see the cabs.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you see the rims, but they're not spinning because they're weighted and they have. They're rotating. So they're just. While the. While the wheel is turning, you can see that there's a guy holding a giant lobster at the red, red rose. Or rosewood.

[Allison Rosen]

They can put text in the. In that area now, Right? Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

They're here. It's illegal, but there's a company, and I talked to these guys, like, three years ago where you can put, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever you want in the spinning wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

Pull over. Yeah. And we're looking at. There's a version of it for cars where you can. You know, like, if you were going down PCH and there was just cute chick in a convertible next to you, you could flirt with her via your car rims.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to run you over.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Do not sue me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And speaking of cars, a federal judge ruled that drivers are allowed to flash their headlights to warn others of speed traps.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I would say things like, follow me to the desert. I'm not gonna rape you. You know, So I put it out there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

Establish some trust early.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I live right by a place where there is. Once a month, there's a DUI check point right near where I live. And I never know when it's going up, but I always feel like I should just stand down the road a little ways with a cardboard sign and just be like, yo, everybody, don't go that way. Go this way.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's what you'd write on it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that would be a little long, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

We get those rims worked out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I could just stand there with my rims.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So they've decided that it's okay to flash it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Because you have a first amendment right to flash your headlights to warn other motorists. So there was a lawsuit filed by a resident who flashed his headlights. This happened in Missouri. To warn oncoming vehicles. And he was pulled over and given a fine of 1,000 if convicted. But then the city dropped the charge, but the ACLU sued on his behalf anyway. Saying that the arrest violated his First Amendment right to use free speech. The part which makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what drives me insane about the city is they're brazen now in their money making. I've given this speech a few times. But what I'm saying is when some parking meter good Samaritan is gonna feed quarters in to the empty parking meters up along the boulevard and then you arrest that person.

[Allison Rosen]

They do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Every twice a year there's a story about some guy who walks up and down with a bucket of nickels in Santa Barbara and feeds the shit into the thing. And that guy gets taken down. And my feeling with the city is we all know that you're just attempting to rape our wallets and take every fucking squeeze. Every. It's pretty much like this. There are people that pay and people that don't pay. And we've decided that the people that pay should pay more. So whoever pays the most in taxes should also pay the most in everything. And there's a source. There's a group of people. Look, I'll give you, here's a perfect example. If you drive down Forest Lawn Drive, I've taken pictures of it. You drive down Forest Lawn Drive, it's littered with illegals that are selling roses illegally for people that want to go up and drop them off at 4 salon, they leave cardboard boxes everywhere on the ground. The reason they do it is there's no trash cans or anything to throw anything away. All the wrappers from the fast food and everything, that's all just on the ground. Now if you go across the street, there's a speed trap. A guy sitting up there, chicken shit cop on his bike hitting people. This radar detector, because Forest Lawn is super long, super wide, doesn't have any signals, and 35 feels like 20 miles an hour too slow on Forest Lawn. So as you drive up there, you see them handing out tickets to Chick, who's driving the BMW. Across the street is a whole bunch of illegals engaging in illegal activity. They don't have any problems. Well, why is that? You can stop the video for a second. Why is that? Well, it's easy. One group has a checkbook, the other group doesn't have a checkbook. And we're interested in extracting money. Not interested in safety per se. Not interested in whatever the letter of the law is. We're just extracting money from people, which is fine, but you're supposed to pretend like you're worried about people's safety. And the guy that's feeding the nickels into the whatever. And the person that's flicking the headlights when it comes to the speed trap, that's just getting in the way of you and your revenue stream, which is chicken shit. And you're supposed to pretend like you're not in it for the money, you're in it for the safety. So when you come down on those people, it's super brazen because it makes it seem like, oh, we're just interrupting your revenue flow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, this is sort of related, but I feel strongly that the whole street cleaning those trucks that supposedly sweep the streets, that does not do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Except generate billions and billions of dollars in parking tickets. I mean they don't sweep, they're not cleaning the streets.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't even show up. Right. They show up up 41% of the time. And I'm rounding up the city. The parking enforcement pussies, they show up 100% of the time.

[Allison Rosen]

Right on time.

[Adam Carolla]

Even when the truck doesn't show and the truck oftentimes doesn't show, they still hand out the tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Or even if you pull in, if it says no parking between 10 and noon and you pull in at 11:45 because you see the fresh wet stripe that just gone by, you'll still get a fucking ticket. So are they, they writing tickets to dissuade people from blocking the street sweeper or are they trying to raise money? Obviously. Here's the. By the way, we have the car going down PCH with the rims. Yeah. It's good looking, busty blonde driving a Ferrari, by the way. Just an experience. When you have a really good looking, busty blonde who's driving a convertible Ferrari down PC, some producer dude is boning her. It's not like she didn't buy her own Ferrari. It is the one problem they, it's this sort of hole in their scenario which is good looking, 23 year old chicks don't just buy their own Ferrari.

[Allison Rosen]

She's got her own Ferraris.

[Adam Carolla]

She's got sugar daddy. Yeah. She don't need you. All right, let's do one more, shall we?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but first I have a checkpoint question. So I drove through a checkpoint the other night.

[Allison Rosen]

DUI checkpoint?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you do?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I did sailed through because you.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn'T slow down at all. You just zipped through.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I wasn't passenger.

[Allison Rosen]

You accelerated.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Well, no, here's my question though. It was, you know, they had narrowed it down to one lane and then to the right, there were cops sitting at like A folding table.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

If they wanted to, you know, apprehend anyone, how would they do it? Because they were all seated far away.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you went through early. You went through probably at like 8:00 at night. Like they don't. They're fucking around until like midnight. Midnight.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way. So, okay, those are rodeo cops. And there should have been a bull running around.

[Allison Rosen]

There is a bull.

[Adam Carolla]

You sit around that table playing cards. You know what they do? I think this is what they do. They look, they set up a thing that says sobriety checkpoint. And then they go down to the end of the block and they look for everyone who turns off.

[Allison Rosen]

They do.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And they just bust those people in a way they would have been able to. I mean, unless someone drove into their table, there's no way they would have been able to catch anyone because they were too far away. And they didn't seem to have any sort, sort of method of slowing anyone down.

[Adam Carolla]

When Jimmy and I went to prison for a man show episode, it was a lot of checking in and contraband and checking, patting everyone down and not letting contraband get into the prison. But it was still getting in prison. And Jimmy just said there should be just a big styrofoam bullshit sort of half hoop that you have to walk through that says drug sniffer on it and watch everyone stop and then look around and then say, I got to go back out to the car. Like, yeah, that would be all it would take is you passing through this imaginary. You know, spray paint it silver. You know, don't do it with a Sharpie. Do it up so it looked nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, make it look nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, do it. You know, think back to the future car, you know, and put some hoses and some diode lights blinking and shit like that. But everyone who stopped in front of that went, just go ahead and bust that person.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, they do that usually at those checkpoints. For real. Like if you, if you go just. Cuz I live right by there where you were. Like, they usually have another like cutoff car like a couple blocks away. Because people go fuck and they go the other way and then that cop pulls them over.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that voice. All right, one more. What do we got?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay, so two chefs. Pled or pleaded? I feel like at one point it was pled. Now it's pleaded guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm still fucked up with hanged and hung.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, it's hanged, drank and drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I just want to say he hung himself. No, he hanged him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why should just be hung himself? It's not like hanging.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Hang with you.

[Adam Carolla]

If you checked out my junk, I'm, well, hanged.

[Allison Rosen]

Hanged is like, from the old West, I think. Like, hang him, hang.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. All right, sorry.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They pleaded guilty to serving whale meat at a Santa Monica restaurant. Restaurant. The restaurant was named Hump. And they. They were indicted early. They were indicted in early 2013, but now they pleaded guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Hump, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, they're kind of telling you.

[Brian Bishop]

This is from a while ago. This finally just came.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they went through the system. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. That they. Yeah, they pleaded guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Hump. Yeah, like humpback whale.

[Allison Rosen]

They were.

[Brian Bishop]

They were trying to tell.

[Allison Rosen]

They were trying to tell you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Were they trying to tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, when you walk in the door.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

If you wanted whale, that's where you'd go.

[Allison Rosen]

When you walk in the door, they go trying to make it up.

[Adam Carolla]

What would it sound like if the guy was trying to avoid the dui Checkpoint whales. That'd be a crazy conversation, right?

[Allison Rosen]

That would be too much.

[Adam Carolla]

So they served well now, did they have some sort of claim, like, only ones that beach themselves.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. The suicidal whales.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. By the way, the people that want to drag those things back out into the ocean, I feel like a whale should have the choice.

[Allison Rosen]

They want to die with dignity.

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to die, go die. You want to beat yourself, beat yourself.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Having some tourists cut off your tail. Dignity.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet you they get pissed when they get dragged back out there. They're like, ah, fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it wasn't the cry for help.

[Allison Rosen]

I was going to the light.

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a fucked up pod.

[Allison Rosen]

Everybody in my pod.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking loser pod.

[Allison Rosen]

Everybody in my pod sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

My rotisserie dolphin team fucking killed this year.

[Allison Rosen]

You gotta swim back out there like, hey, what's up, Steve? We thought you killed yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I tried, and some bitch in Birkenstocks dragged me back out again. Now I gotta live.

[Allison Rosen]

Bunch of people with tractors and rope.

[Adam Carolla]

Ugh, this fucking pod sucks cock. Should we gotta make that fucking swim from Baja to Alaska again. I'm gonna fucking try to kill myself. I swear to God, I'll run into an ice.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't swim anymore. I'm so tired of it. What kind of whale did they serve? Did they say because some whale's probably delicious.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't know. They describe the kind of meat. So 3 kg of whale akami, which is red meat. 2 kg of whale bacon. 2 kg of rail anomi, which is whale anomi, which is tail. The restaurant for an order totaling 11 pounds. You want to guess how much the restaurant paid?

[Adam Carolla]

You mean how much in fines?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, how much did it cost to procure 11 pounds of whale meat?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean like this is black market stuff?

[Allison Rosen]

This is underground whale meat?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not Amazon, them getting it for 11 pounds. It's gotta be $15,000.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wow, $15,367.75.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone knows the price of illegal whale meat, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I've been to the Orient on a shopping spree or two.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a little weird.

[Adam Carolla]

The whale. Is there a bigger thing that eats smaller shit than a whale?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. I guess elephants eat peanut. I mean, relatively. Is that what you're saying? Like the relative size? Oh, yeah. No, that's got to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, those things weigh 70 tons and eat shit. That's like plankton size.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They eat a shitload of it every day. But I feel like if you ever got a whale together with a snake, snake be like, I weigh four pounds, I ate a goat yesterday. Yeah, yeah, you understand you're 70 tons and you eat the shit that's in the bottom of my cereal bowl that I don't even bother with. I mean, I don't eat cereal. I eat goats. Sometimes I eat goat checks.

[Allison Rosen]

And it takes you like all day to eat. If you're a whale, you just have to swim around and just filter out all shit to feel slightly full at the end of the day.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder with snakes if there's a cutoff point. Cause like snakes will look at a medium sized dog and go, like, I could take it. I could do it.

[Allison Rosen]

I could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. It's like, I don't feel like dogs have any fucking cutoff point. Like a dog will look at a steamroller and go, fuck the shit out of that thing. That thing down.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think there's any cutoff for a snake. If they can kill it, they'll try to eat it. Gary can probably find the picture online of a snake that famously tried to eat eat an alligator and explode it.

[Allison Rosen]

There's one of a. There's one of a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

The snake is bursting with alligator.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, but there's a snake. Like if it's but a snake. If a snake sees a hippopotamus, it's not gonna go, I'm gonna kill that and swallow that. Like, there has to be limits. Like with a snake.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, man. They take down like in on huge.

[Adam Carolla]

But they can't eat a donkey. If they're, you know, four inches around, you know, like, there has to be. They have to have some sort of trial and error.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, the cutoff is how wide they can open their jaw.

[Adam Carolla]

But they must have a thing that's equivalent to that laminated tip calculator I keep in my wallet. It's like unhinged jaw. Eat. All right, this is.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I can't even see where one begins and the other ends.

[Allison Rosen]

We're looking at a picture of a snake that ate a crocodile.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the back of the crocodile. This thing burst right there.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that was just bad planning.

[Adam Carolla]

So this, like, anaconda tried to eat. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just looking at that, thinking about how many boots you could make with.

[Adam Carolla]

That, by the way. Oh, a ton of boots.

[Allison Rosen]

So many boots.

[Adam Carolla]

Whole regiment you could outfit. I mean, super K regiment, but regiment nonetheless.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where's the snake's head.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't they do that? Why don't they go up the ass.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And eat from the inside out?

[Allison Rosen]

Inside out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not. Oh, they are animals. That's what happens, by the way, when 4 billion year old brain meets 4 billion year old brain. Like, let's do it. Let's do it. I like any animal that doesn't have to evolve.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I feel like any animal that hasn't changed in the last 5 billion years just because they don't fucking have to. They were so bad to start with.

[Allison Rosen]

Sharks doing something right. Yeah, it's doing something right.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, tough sell for their wives, you know, like, where they're going. I just want you to be a better alligator, really.

[Allison Rosen]

Been doing it for. Been doing it for millions of years.

[Adam Carolla]

You think that's gonna change on your watch, bitch.

[Allison Rosen]

These tiny little legs have been working.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty good for me. Yeah. Sad story about Herb and the snake, though, right? Super sad. I'm gonna miss him. Anyway, where were we?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Whale meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I would never eat whale.

[Allison Rosen]

So what's gonna happen to Hump Restaurant? Are they. They're just gonna pay their fine?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. I think we're a little bit. I always find us hypocrites to go, we don't eat this, but we do eat that. Like the vegetarian folks who won't eat chicken but do eat tuna, like the big yellow, big blue fin or whatever. Those things are so much more majestic than even a cow.

[Allison Rosen]

It's hard. Yeah, it is hard.

[Adam Carolla]

I shouldn't even say even just a cow, like picking and choosing so Much of it's just sort of based on whether we think they're cute or whether they're whatever. Like, oh, you would never. But what is the difference really between a dog and a cow when it really just comes down to protein? Your body needs to stay alive.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it seems like if you're. It's hard to point fingers when like, you know, people are like, oh, the dolphin slaughter. And I think that dolphin slaughter is like, that's really rough, you know, to watch. But people can argue that, like, well, you guys slaughter way more cows that, you know, you industrialize these animals just.

[Adam Carolla]

Staying into the realm of the sea. We eat sharks. There's shark man. They can pretty much go to the Gelsons and buy shark fillets. You can buy sharks, you can buy. You know, like I said, the tuna is a pretty fucking majestic creature. When you see the ones that they've all been sort of hunted to extinction. The big, like, you know, 800 pound, big jaws, but they swim like 50 miles an hour. And they're really shaped like torpedoes. I mean, they're really cool. I don't know. Look, I'm just saying if you can eat. I don't think, like if you took someone from a different. Let's say Jean Claude built a time machine and he went, you know, to the future a thousand years when everything was extinct. And you just showed him a picture of a dolphin and a blue fish, tuna and a chicken and a whale. You go, you point to the picture. The ones that was okay to eat and we ate metric tons of every day. And then the ones where you'd be arrested and you'd be a heretic and ostracized if you consume this one, I think they'd fuck that up. I'm gonna fucking find out.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think we gotta get this time machine going.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta get it done.

[Allison Rosen]

We gotta get this time machine going.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The thing with whales are the reason that they're. And they're facing jail time, by the way, and a fine is that they're protected.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's nothing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But I agree, I agree with the hypocris of picking and choosing what we're okay with.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't think we should be eating. I mean, look, I'm not gonna eat a whale burger right after I leave here. I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

I might eat a Whaler at Burger. Isn't that the name of a fish sandwich?

[Adam Carolla]

Someone should have given that some thought.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, why didn't they think about that?

[Adam Carolla]

The Burger King fish Sandwich like, called Whaler.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Where were we?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Sound you make when you've had a few tall boys and you see the DUI checkpoint coming up. Squarespace, baby. All in one platform, styles, options. You can create a unique website for your business and hell beyond for your dolphin, for your porpoise, for your website whale. All righty, then. If you guys want to try some Mangria on tap, by the way, you can find it over at Santa Monica. The Hooters Santa Monica.

[Brian Bishop]

Go to Santa Monica looking for whale meat, you can't find it. Have some fucking Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Sorrows white and red both on tap. Only place in the country that's got it on tap. So if you want to go check it out, try it at Hooters and Santa Monica. And you can pre order my book, if you like, present me on Amazon. Appreciate that. Brian's book as well. When you go to Amazon and you put in President Me, Brian's book, Shrinkage will pop up as well. That's what you'll think. And you just click them both right through the website. You know how it goes. David Wilde. Want to thank him for coming in. Was it wild about music?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, wild. Wild about music. Rob Huebel. Rob. Welcome to the jungle movie. Twitter Rob huebel and website robhuble.com. so till next time, Adam Crawford, Dave Wild, Rob Huebel, Allison Rosen, and Paul Bryan. Say it. Mahalo. I got me a car. It's as big as a whale.

[Giovanni]

All right, there's Adam Krulla show 1258. Coming up next, we have Adam Carla show 1420. Robert Patrick, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2014.

[Matt]

Real quick, I was wondering if Dawson can do the Knights and White Bat, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, can you get the words that they start from the song from Knights? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We'll figure that out for you. That's the Moody Blues. Oh. Or that Rules the Night. Is that one. Yeah. Breathe deep the gathering gloom oh, yeah, that's right. All right. All right. Do you have it, Dawson? Yeah. Does he want me to read it? I think that's the plan. Breathe deep the gathering gloom Watch lights fade from every room exiting People look.

[Gina Grad]

Back and lament another day's useless energy spent impassioned lovers wrestle as one lonely man cries for love and has none New mother picks up and suckles her.

[Adam Carolla]

Son Senior citizens wish they were young, cold Hearted orb that rules the night removes the colors from our sight.

[Gina Grad]

Red is gray and yellow white.

[Adam Carolla]

But we decide which is right and.

[Gina Grad]

Which is an illusion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think they'd ever let you do that at the beginning or the end of any song anymore on the radio. They would just clip it, clip it off.

[Giovanni]

All right, there's Adam Cruise Show 1420. Come up next, we have Adam Colishow, 1768. We got David Yaverbaum, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop from 2016.

[Jay Mohr]

And finally, I don't know if you saw Lady Gaga's performance or her introduction, but Vice President Joe Biden introduced Lady Gaga when she sang the song Till it happens to you, which was written for the 2015 documentary film the Hunting Ground that deals with campus rape in the United States. This is Biden's intro.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm asking you to join millions of Americans, including me, President Obama, the thousands of students I've met on college campuses, and the artists here tonight to take the pledge. A pledge that says, I will intervene in situations when consent has not or cannot be given. Let's change the culture. So hold on a second. Should I just go dorm room to dorm room when I hear people fucking go, hey, sorry, I just sort of kicked the door in. I popped the pins on the hinges. Anyway, everything cool? Are you all right?

[Jay Mohr]

Yeah, we're trying to.

[Adam Carolla]

You, sweetie?

[Jay Mohr]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know this dude?

[Jay Mohr]

Yes, he's my boyfriend.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Jay Mohr]

Can you get the fuck out, please?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. He's ball steeping you right now, you know.

[Jay Mohr]

Yes, and I'd like that to continue.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a half drunk Schaefer that's sitting in the. Sitting on top of your mini frame.

[Jay Mohr]

We're having lunch. We're fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Can I tell you that George Foreman cooker is illegal to be in the storm? You're right. With that, you're cool.

[Jay Mohr]

Yeah, I'll unplug it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Is anything written? Did you give me your consent?

[Jay Mohr]

Yeah, when I was screaming for Jesus, when, you know, he was plowing me, I was fine.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what, you get your paperwork together, I'm gonna go to the next dorm room.

[Jay Mohr]

Sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

And make sure everyone's rendered consent. Just go ahead and slide your. I realize it's uncomfortable. Hold on, I'm. Sir. Okay. If you're not coming yet. Okay, good. Tell you what, let's. I'll just go ahead and put the door back. I'll pop the pins back in, we'll get the door back on the hinge. Just FYI. I used to do this for a living. Nrp. Non removable pins. There's a little set screw in there if the knuckles are going to face the outdoor. Anyway, it's a safety thing. Let's not get marin that. Simply slide the consent form into the hole. I'll just go ahead and check it and initial it and send it. Slide it back for you. All right.

[Jay Mohr]

My boyfriend is officially in his refractory period.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, that's where I like him. Anyway. I got a couple floors to cover. I got dorms to cover. Then there's off campus housing as well, so I'm really. We probably spent too much time.

[Jay Mohr]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there is a box that says I can squeeze your left titty if you'd like to check that on the consent form.

[Jay Mohr]

Will it make you leave faster?

[Adam Carolla]

I will leave in a different mindset and probably have a little more wind beneath my wings. Have at it.

[Jay Mohr]

The left one's a little fuller.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. All right, moving on. All right. That's gonna be awesome. Thank you, hero. Thank you, Joe Biden, hero. Thank you, all the heroes. Thank you, heroes. And by the way, never stop patting yourselves on the back for what a. Amazing, amazing, amazing, brave. Brave heroes. You are. Fucking blowhards. Shut the fuck up and hand out the awards, would you please?

[Allison Rosen]

I thought you were being sarcastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I realize you were.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Please. Joe Biden gets a standing ovation. For what? Some of the best hair plugs done in the 70s. Normally, you know, Larry Miller's hair plugs, they didn't turn out as good as Biden. But normally when a guy gets hair plugs in the late 70s, it's really bad at this point in his career. But not you. Not you, Joe. Your hair plugs are awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

He's on the vanguard.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know if you could ask one accomplishment of Joe Biden to anybody in that room and they could come up with something. But anyway, standing O for Joe. And then he comes out in a very controversial position. He's against campus rape. That's the way I heard it.

[Jay Mohr]

Split the room.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Everyone's a hero. Thank you.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Kollo Show 1768. For our next clip, we have Adam Kroll Show 1084. Steve Sharipa, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, live on stage from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, as long as I act like an asshole, I'll never get old.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So you're clinging to your youth because many people would just say 49 at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I thought about it, but I thought, well, I'm 48 and when I turned 49, I'll start. I'll start saying 49. Yeah. I wanted to be so technical. Plus I wasn't sure, you know, the way the people listen to these things. Well, we were talking about time. I'd be a hypocrite to jump ahead five days or whenever my birthday is. Also.

[Steve Schrippa]

Do you feel any different now that you're going to be 49 than you did when you were 40?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. Although. Although I don't feel 40. You think is old? 40 is not old. It starts to. Everything starts to kick in around 45. When I say kick in, I mean you start to die. Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

If you read the obituaries, everybody's, you know, like in the 40s and 50s. Die. Everybody's dying. You're going, I know. In my phone I must have 15 people that were friends of mine that.

[Adam Carolla]

Died in their 40s. Five.

[Gina Grad]

I'm old.

[Adam Carolla]

In their 40s and 50s.

[Steve Schrippa]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In your phone?

[Steve Schrippa]

My phone. I don't take them out. They're still in the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, I see. I get it. You're not just collecting them in your phone.

[Steve Schrippa]

I think that's bad luck to take them out of the phone. I keep them in the phone.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What? Cuz they could die.

[Steve Schrippa]

What's that?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Cuz they could die.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe I was gonna die. Okay. It's bad for Steve. Yeah. Oh, that's weird. I never. Yeah, well, I would take people out of my phone, but I don't know how to. That's part of my problem. Do you. How do you do it?

[Brian Bishop]

What do you do when you have someone in your phone or email or whatever?

[Steve Schrippa]

I still have one of these, Adam. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Steve Schrippa]

And I just got this phone, it flips. And I just upgraded to this one.

[Adam Carolla]

It flips open. It's a clam shell with a piece of cat gut tied to it. For people at home that goes to the other phone.

[Brian Bishop]

This audience reacted like he pulled out a skull.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Oh, dear Lord. How do you communicate with others? No wonder everyone's dead. Who's in your phone? I.

[Brian Bishop]

They're all from the 70s.

[Adam Carolla]

My grandmother, her outgoing message had her and my grandfather in it for a good seven years. I mean, I. Or maybe until she passed. I can't. I can't recall.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what happens with the younger generation now is when someone dies, a lot of times their Facebook sort of becomes a memorial that goes on forever. Like I still see people, people posting on someone's that I knew who died Facebook, like, so miss you, bro. And it's like, yeah, they can't hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Yeah, I don't.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, why is there no WI fi in the afterlife?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like. I don't like the ones where they do the, the thing where they put all the candles and the flowers by the lamp post that the guy hit on the moped.

[Steve Schrippa]

Yeah. And they put the bike. They put the bicycle, too.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a really bike.

[Steve Schrippa]

They paint the bike white and they put the bike.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have that here. Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

In New York. It's all over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they paint the bike white.

[Steve Schrippa]

White. If the guy, like, got hit, God forbid, got hit by a car, a drunk driver, a crashed in the bike, they put the bike. They have it at the site, they paint it white. And then they have the flowers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? We just were. We just have the flowers in the ghost bike. Yeah. That's weird. And then, and then it's always unclear, like, what's the time limit for the candles with the Virgin Guadalupe on there. Yeah, Flowers. Like, at some point, when you clean.

[Brian Bishop]

It up, whose job is it to get rid of that stuff? Because you're cursed, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

If it's your job to get rid of all the memorials, that's some bad juju. You don't want that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, you don't want. You, you don't want to be the guy who drives the Memorial Zamboni. And it's just that is. That is bad mojo right there.

[Steve Schrippa]

Like, what about in the newspapers? You ever see this? Like, the obituary? Then they'll say, we miss you. It's been 10 years. And they write it like, is the guy reading the paper? The guy's dead.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I.

[Steve Schrippa]

And they always do that. It's been five long years. I miss you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even like when they dedicate the bench. I had a. No. You go to the zoo and you're trying to enjoy your kids, and you're like, this is Sheila and Tammy Fagenbaum, beloved, you know? And it's like, oh, let's see. And then you start doing some math. Oh, she outlived him by, like, 14 years. Let's see. He died in 89. And they're like, let me rub some ass juice on this old couple. This is awesome.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How does that work? Is that a family that has so much money they don't know what to do with it, so they're donating it to benches? The front row says, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second. I, I, I, I have had one of These bench. First off, what if you have to fart? What's that? What do you do? You have to get up and excuse yourself. You don't fart? No. Oh, that. The memory of the Fagenbaums, and you're farting on their. Basically on their memory, but more. Married 49 years, and you fart upon this relationship? I don't think so. I was. No. But here's what it does. It forces you to think of dead people.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was in Monorail. It was a beautiful day. I was going to the. The racetrack at Laguna Seca, and I had a little time to kill, and I took a little walk up and down Fisherman's Wharf there, and then the cannery and all that stuff. And I did this thing where it's like, I'm just gonna sit here and look at the beautiful Pacific Ocean and see the ride. And I started to sit down, and all of a sudden, so the ocean's out in front of me, right? I'm like, oh, it's a spectacular day. And then I'm like, I'm gonna sit. Sit here. Oh, when did this guy die? Jesus. He was born in 48 and he died in 80. Jeez, he wasn't that old. And then I started looking at the next bench. Next thing you know, I'm just collecting dead people's names and my back is turned to the ocean. I'm just standing in morgue all of a sudden, just staring at dead people, going, geez, I wonder what year I'd make it to if they made a bench. And they shouldn't name benches after dead people. I'm trying to enjoy the fucking view here.

[Brian Bishop]

How dare they?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, if I heard of the Burial at sea. Let's just throw the bench out at sea and let me just sit on a bench. Can we not afford benches?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Whose dying wish was it to have a bench devoted to them anyway?

[Steve Schrippa]

Anyway, they could get money any way.

[Adam Carolla]

They can get money. I want a park, a lounger with the massage, Something hard and wooden sitting there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I want one of those cab seat covers with all the beads.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Classy. That's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that says me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Barstool would be nice. Actually. Says a little bit more about the man.

[Steve Schrippa]

Yeah, Leave it at. Leave it at your favorite bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying.

[Steve Schrippa]

Be all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Name? You don't rub your ass on after the deceased. I. I mean, I don't intentionally rub my ass unless, you know, I got an itch.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Something came up yesterday that we were talking about. You mentioned Farting. So, yes. This is a fart related question. Do you feel the need to lift up?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a kind of a first.

[Brian Bishop]

Off, I like finally, finally the important questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it let's. I, I sort of went. I want it to be known that I'm farting cosmically. You know what I mean? That's right. That's considerate, number one.

[Steve Schrippa]

Number two, you always lift the cheek.

[Adam Carolla]

I do lift.

[Steve Schrippa]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. Steve. I can't say 100% of the time. I want you pulling out footage of me farting and not leaning to one side and be busted here in front of these people. But I'm saying almost all the time. Yeah. No, I'll tell you why. Because it free. I feel like it frees it up. See someone. I think there's greater volume.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Someone that person beat. My mom was making the argument recently that without lifting up, it just, it, it climbs back in. And I'm like, that's not how it works.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, it doesn't. It doesn't climb in. I think what you're. I think what you're going to be.

[Steve Schrippa]

A prairie dog, then it climbs back in.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think. Enjoy your meals tonight.

[Steve Schrippa]

Eat the brajole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, here's what I think. It's sort of like, I don't know, it's like, you know the people pinch your nose. Nose off when they sneeze.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't get the full sneeze out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, retrograde.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless I get the lean. I'm. I'm at about 65 to 70% unless I get a lean going. Otherwise there's still some trapped in there and it's going to be sucked into my pores. And somebody told me if you hold it in enough, your breath will get stinky. I know it sounds insane, but why wouldn't it? Well, no, hold on a second. If somebody's got to look this up.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Are farts and burps basically the same thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have. Yes. You have X amount of gas to secrete per day. You just do. Unless your name is on a bench somewhere. You have X amount. Steve, I'm guessing you're a little above the average.

[Steve Schrippa]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a little above.

[Steve Schrippa]

But not every day, I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

Every day. Every day. Yeah, God willing. You have X amount that comes out of is some so many cubic feet of gas. So we measure. It must pass through you. That's. That's it. As you wake, as you breathe, as you eat, as you inhale, as you Chew. There's an X amount, girls, you think? I think it's probably by volume, you know what I mean? So if you're £200, you put up that much. You're £100, you put up that much. You know, depending on your personal flora and fauna, it's. It varies from human being to human being. But the point is, if you put out certain amount a day, if you're not putting it out, where's it going? You reabsorb? I don't know. I don't think it's all in that. Coming out of the same hopper. I don't think we're. We're. We. Our ladle ain't going into the same pot every time, Steve. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying some. Somebody told me you then reabsorb, and then it starts coming out in other ways.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I like that idea. I don't know if it's true, but I know of a couple, and the woman told me that she and her husband believe that holding in a fart is akin to keeping a secret. That's what. Because you're keeping something from your loved one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna use that on Lynette. Literally on her. All right, Gary, you see if you can find that I'm not good enough scientifically to figure out this reabsorption of ass theory, but I'm telling you, it's out there, Gary.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I would love to know.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it when you're. When he's gonna search here. When I. When I make a plea, remain motionless for as long as possible. That instills confidence in me. I'm telling you, it's out there. All right. Do we have. Have some questions from the audience? And, Steve, feel free to jump in and. And answer with me if you like.

[Brian Bishop]

We were going to have them asked. Now, hands raised, please. Hands raised. Gentleman, right in front. Raised hand. Very politely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Question. I want to know your opinion on mail order brides.

[Brian Bishop]

Mail order brides. He wants your opinion.

[Adam Carolla]

This is for mail order brides. Hey, you know, I have this theory that you have a higher likelihood of having that relationship work out than you picking yourself. I mean, honestly, really. Yeah. And here's why.

[Steve Schrippa]

Now, where did it come from? Vietnam. Still Russia.

[Adam Carolla]

Russia. I think the Russian ones are a little pricier.

[Steve Schrippa]

Yeah. Oh, I've been a few weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

I got.

[Steve Schrippa]

You better believe that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But they come from all over the world, and they want to come here to have a better life. Few things. First off, when you pick your Own you, then use all your horrible neuroses to do your picking. You don't know how many young. Thank you. You don't know how many young girls I've spoken to who are like, I married this dude. He's a horrible, abusive alcoholic. And then I go, was your dad an alcohol. Yes, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. And my first boyfriend was abusive, too. And now I. Now I'm married to a guy's abusive. And then I go, well, it's because your dad. No, I hate that son of a. I want nothing to do with him. You think it's a coincidence he's just married an abusive alcoholic? So that's what you do when you're left alone. But you couldn't do that if someone just. You just picked a picture.

[Steve Schrippa]

They just pop up at the door.

[Adam Carolla]

They just show up in that big FedEx box and you put that glory hole in it. No, no. Just for the first couple. Couple of weeks. Eventually we'll let them out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right. Let's acclimate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We gotta test them out.

[Steve Schrippa]

Adam. Years ago, didn't they do it? Arranged marriages? Italians did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

Jewish people did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve Schrippa]

You know, you just. You're gonna marry that girl down the block. The. The father set it up, and then you stay with them forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

There's people that.

[Adam Carolla]

Your own bad picker and neuroses did not get involved with the equation. And I. I'm telling you, it's a better way to go. Like I said, the whole hole in the box thing is just so you can send them back if you're not experiencing, you know, what you. You know, what you paid for. That's all. But eventually, they're coming out of the box.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Isn't there already an air hole?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not gonna put food in the hole and stuff like that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I mean, couldn't you just use the air hole?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sorry, it's not worth it at this point. What I said is, couldn't you just use the air hole?

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's already poked in the box.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

No, Allison. The air holes are at the top. Everyone knows that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And that's a grid in case it rains. Those have louvers.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to get your cock through there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. I don't mean what I. I spoke out of. Turn food through there. Yeah. I think. Now, the problem with mail order brides, there's two problems. The main problem is there's a woman who thinks this would be a good idea. Idea. She's on one side of an Ocean. She thinks, I basically just want to marry someone so I can move to Houston and, you know, go to a Gelson's once in my life, you know what I mean? And then there's a guy who basically looks at a woman as property. So you're. You're dealing with two people that probably aren't the greatest candidates here for. For. For this kind of activity. My. I have a cousin, and when I say cousin, that. We're Corolla, so we don't know we have a lot of half this and not by. Not no blood and step this and adopted that and. Oh, I never met my biological this or that, but we just call people cousins for lack of a better. Whatever. He brought his. He. He was in the service. He went to, like, Vietnam, met himself a gal, brought her back. She brought her mom with her. I think she was doing a little work out of the house, if you know what I mean, with mom overseeing the activity.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, she opened Internet business.

[Adam Carolla]

She opened. She was open for business. Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

And did her husband know?

[Adam Carolla]

Open for the family business. Oh, he found out, but not. Not until they had six kids. So it doesn't always have a happy ending.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The mom was pimping her out, Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so, yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

She's a mama Son.

[Adam Carolla]

He's still the most successful Corolla, though, by the way. He's still the most celebrated at the. At the family functions. It is typical, but horrible. Yeah. So.

[Steve Schrippa]

But. But I think a lot of. A lot of Russians come over. They know they're going to get married, get the green card, grab some of this guy's cash and get the hell out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'll tell you what I would have liked if have done just so I get a little appreciation. My wife's from the United States. Sadly, I would have. I'd like to send her to Russia and buy her. You know what I mean?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's better than renewing your vows, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then more romantic. And then she'd appreciate every goddamn thing I gave her. She couldn't believe it. She's like, your car has windows that roll up when you push a button. Oh, my God, this is unbelievable. Believable. Wait, I get out of this box. Yeah. It'd be a little confusing with wise mommy in the box. It's a surprise. And it'd be funny. The Russian one should come in a box where you open it up and there's a slightly smaller box in there. And then you just keep going and there's a Midget. Thank you. That'd be awesome. Be awesome. Mail order midget. Russian pride.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I love it. Are you thinking.

[Steve Schrippa]

Are you thinking about ordering one? Is that why you asked that question you were considering?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And by the way, I think they find mail order bride pejorative. I think it's you buy on the Internet is the way is what they're going by now.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wait, you're happily. I'm sorry, you're happily married, but you are considering a mail order bride before that. How did you meet the lovely lady who is now your wife?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's a. She's a catalog model, you know, if you know what I mean.

[Steve Schrippa]

But can you order a male. Male auto bride?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. Oh, a male.

[Steve Schrippa]

Male auto bride.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Seems so much sketchy.

[Steve Schrippa]

Guy wants a Russian guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. You know, see, that. That doesn't. Well, that doesn't really work because I feel like there's plenty of dudes here that are either, you know, easy enough to pick up, but there must be some of that, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Must be.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, there's a good sitcom. It's the guy. Tyler Perry presents. He's got to. He's got to pretend like he's gay so he can get bought up and leave the village. You know what I mean? Mean? Then when he gets to the big mansion in Texas, you know, he. He has. He's going to get the rest of his family from the village over there, but he's got to pretend to be gay the whole time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's perfect. Strangers meets Three's Company meets Bosom buddy.

[Gina Grad]

Absolutely.

[Steve Schrippa]

I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Cuba Gooding Junior's gonna be.

[Steve Schrippa]

He's getting another Oscar comes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. It's good stuff. All right, where are we? Sorry, we have another question. Yes, Allison. Allison.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, please play the vomit sound.

[Gina Grad]

Let.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the wrong. But the question was, has Allison ever made an appearance in the spank bank?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know what that is, Adam, so I'll let you answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, see, now, let me tell you something. This is a. An answer that could be offensive no matter what way you go. Because if you go, oh, hell yeah. I mean, I ran into her at the bank last night. Long line. That's a problem. But if you go, hell no, dude, I like my cock. Like, then that's the situation there. What would you prefer? No, I mean, you don't want the. You don't want the person laughing about it and going, are you insane? You think we're out of porn?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's usually I have an answer. I'm trying to figure out what I would prefer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on, I'll buy you sometime. I'll buy you some time.

[Steve Schrippa]

It would be flattering, wouldn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

I've never had a gay guy come on to me and it, it bothers me a little bit, you know what I mean?

[Steve Schrippa]

I haven't either, but I, little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you know, I, you know, I, I sleep okay at night but it would be nice, you know, some well built guy, you know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Young, you know, young Turk type. Maybe an attorney, you know, 27, took care of himself, you know, that ship is sailed.

[Steve Schrippa]

You're going to get some fat old guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Schrippa]

You're going to get like a 68 year old.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, whatever. Any port in a gay story, you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Know, I think my honest non funny answer would be. Well of course she would be the type who would make an appearance. I mean I'm only human after all. But because of our work relationship it just, I would, that would never even enter my mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Okay, so here's my answer. No, I'll give the answer. This is this, I think you like this. If Alice and I didn't work together on a daily basis and have such, and I, and I didn't have such a high level of respect. Respect? Yeah, respect for her professionally. If it was just a situation where I was eating at this restaurant, she was my waitress. Hell yes. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even wait to leave the restaurant. But because we work together and because I have such journalistic relations, respect for her and the ability and her abilities, I, I, I, I could never do that. Perfect.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Thank you. That's good stuff, right? I like that.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Coral Show 1084. Steve Schrippa coming for our final clip today we have Adam Carolla show 21 featuring Jimmy Kimmel with Adam Corolla from 2009. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I, speaking of kids brought this and I didn't bring it, I had it in my house. It's a book that's very famous. Where the Wild Things Are. And we all remember it from our childhood, right? And I do remember this and I do remember somebody reading this to me when I was a kid and I remember thinking this is an awesome piece of literature as a young child. And then last night my daughter brought it to me and said, can you read this to me? And I said sure, I'll read it to you. And I started to read it and I looked and I thought, I haven't seen this book since I was, you know, seven years old. And now I see that it's the recipient of the Golden Something Medallion for Best Children's book of, like, 1969 or whatever it is.

[Randy Warwick]

It's a classic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a classic. So I started to read it. And. And halfway into it, I got angry because I realized what a steaming piece of shit it is. And then I realized that most kids books are piles of shit. But I thought, jimmy, you're good at reading.

[Randy Warwick]

I mean, they're making a movie out of this.

[Adam Carolla]

We got nothing but time. Read. Now, don't get me wrong. The literature, or I should say the drawings. And the drawings are great. But just read the text and tell me if it doesn't seem like it was translated from some language you don't understand.

[Randy Warwick]

Okay, I see what this is you're tricking me into. Then you're gonna memorize this and pretend you're reading to your child, right? Yes.

[Steve Schrippa]

Pretend.

[Randy Warwick]

You know how to read?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It is bad when you're stumbling on a kid's book.

[Randy Warwick]

Where the Wild Things Are the night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another. That's a whole page.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a page, right?

[Randy Warwick]

His mother called him Wild Thing. And Max said, I'll eat you up. So he was sent to bed without eating anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's kind of creepy so far. It sucks, right?

[Randy Warwick]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're four pages in.

[Randy Warwick]

That very night, in Max's room, a forest grew next page and grew next page and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around. Now, this is kind of. I don't know. This is kind of cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks cool, but the text, I mean, the verb is just horrible. Right?

[Randy Warwick]

There's not much here.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing going on.

[Randy Warwick]

And an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max. And he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are. And then you can see him in a boat with a wild thing and.

[Adam Carolla]

Lands on the island.

[Randy Warwick]

And when he came to the place where the wild things are, they roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, we get it. They're terrible. So far, no lessons learned, nothing interesting and nothing even rhymes till Max said.

[Randy Warwick]

Be still, and tamed them with the magic trick of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once. And they were frightened and called him the most wild thing. Of all.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, horrible message like, hey, kids, if there's a Kodiak bear attacking you, you just give him the stink eye. That'll stop him.

[Randy Warwick]

And made him the king of all wild things. And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus start, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So he dances around with the wild things.

[Randy Warwick]

They look at the moon, they dance. There's several pages of dancing and hanging from trees and him riding them. No words, no words, no words. Now stop, Max said, and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max, the king of all wild things, was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around, from far away across the world, he smelled good things to eat. So he gave up being king of where the wild things are.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible riding, right?

[Randy Warwick]

But the wild things cried, oh, please don't go.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll eat you up.

[Randy Warwick]

We love you. So when Max said no, the wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws. But Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through day.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of this is just cut and pasted from the first part of the book, right? The gnashing of the teeth and the weak.

[Randy Warwick]

It's like a Britney Spear song or it's like a Shania Twain song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Randy Warwick]

And into the night of his very own room, where he found his supper waiting for him. And it was still hot.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That is a piece of. Is it not?

[Randy Warwick]

You know what? I'm horribly inclined to. I'm strongly inclined to disagree with you, but I really can't disagree with you if, like, if you just printed this out on a piece of paper and.

[Adam Carolla]

Said, hey, here's my kids book, everybody.

[Randy Warwick]

But here's the Saving Grace story and pictures by Maurice Sendak. So since he drew the pictures, too, I think he gets away with not much of a story. I mean, the story really is, the kid's a dick. Number one to his mother and to these monsters. I mean, this kid is a fearful dick, no doubt. He says to his mother, I like.

[Adam Carolla]

To hunt that little shit down and put his head on a stick. What is he in his 40s now?

[Randy Warwick]

He mouths off. He probably is. He mouths off, his mother sends him the bed. Then he goes to, you know, like a normal kid, he has a nightmare, which you're supposed to be scared of, of the monsters. But this kid isn't even scared of the monsters.

[Adam Carolla]

He stares him Down.

[Randy Warwick]

He tells him, go screw themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the monsters have a weird strategy, which is don't leave. And then he's like, I'm gonna leave. And they're like, but we love you. We're gonna eat you. Which is not a lot of incentive to stay on the monster island. Yeah. And. Well, yeah. And then he comes back, and his food is waiting for him upstairs. Yeah.

[Randy Warwick]

And his mother, not only did she make him dinner, she gave him a nice big piece of cake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Randy Warwick]

You see that?

[Adam Carolla]

Notice the cake.

[Randy Warwick]

You get dessert on the night you're punished.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you would think, you know, maybe a pudding pot, but not a slab of cake. Not on a night you're punished.

[Randy Warwick]

This is bad parenting. Under parenting, certainly, but bad parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's most of all horrible writing. It's horrifically bad writing. And that's my point. Everything for kids sucks. Everything for kids is done by people who like to do things for adults, but they're not good enough, so they have to do it for kids.

[Randy Warwick]

My cousin Mickey recently read with that Lorax. I'm not sure what the actual title of the Dr. Seuss book is, but my cousin Mickey read it, and she was. Well, Mickey's puzzled a lot, but was especially puzzled by what she deemed nonsense as she was reading it to our cousin Archie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is that the one with the sneetches and the whatevers? But, yeah. I mean, even Dr. Seuss, the greatest of all children's book writers, still was sort of a hack. I mean, the illustrations were cool, but would you. He didn't do them, though, did he?

[Randy Warwick]

The illustrations.

[Adam Carolla]

If he didn't do the illustrations, I'm going to dig him up and put an M80 in his bag. At least, because I will be pissed.

[Randy Warwick]

At least he rhymed and he didn't use the word terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he rhymed like a Sullivan book. Like, he was like, would you eat green eggs and ham in a box with a fox? How about on a train or on a plane? I mean, it's the kind of stuff that you or one of your writers could shit out in 10 minutes.

[Randy Warwick]

Yeah, but you're talking about a group of geniuses, though, when you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, when you said.

[Randy Warwick]

A Sullivan book, I went like, I don't know that author. And then I thought, oh, Adam's talking. Adam doesn't read. Must be some sort of manual book for something.

[Adam Carolla]

Sullivan books. When I was, like, trying to learn to read when I was, like, in the seventh grade. No, I was probably like the fifth or sixth grade. Sullivan books. Look up Sullivan books. Sullivan Learning center of Commercial.

[Randy Warwick]

No, that's Silvan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. See, if you'd read a Sullivan book, you would.

[Gina Grad]

I don't read too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Look. Look it up, Donnie. Because. Because it'd be like the tan pan. The man ran with. A tan pan? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

All right, that is it for this weekend's crawl of classics. Hope you enjoyed until next time, Hollow and.