Jay Paterno + Amy Alkon (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Jay Paterno + Amy Alkon (Carolla Classics) – August 29, 2025

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode features two memorable interviews from 2014: Amy Alkon, the science-based advice columnist, and Jay Paterno, son of legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno. Adam Carolla, Allison Rosen, and Brian "Bald Bryan" Bishop revisit their characteristically candid, comedic banter while delving into topics ranging from quirky personal habits and pop culture, to family relationships and the complexities of public scandal.

The episode is a blend of humor, nostalgia, and insight, offering classic Carolla discussions on everything from air guitar competitions to the realities of law enforcement, the legacy of Joe Paterno, and why Butterfinger bars can be so divisive.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening Banter and Classic Carolla Riffs

• Vacation/Jokes About Endorsement Ads: Adam and the crew riff on vacationing, nostalgia, and the quirky realities of podcast promotion.
• Air Guitar & Air Drum Competitions: Discussion about Rush, Van Halen, and the legitimacy of air instrument competitions, with plenty of self-deprecating humor (“I used to do a move when I would do air guitar, which is I would throw a towel in at myself, blot my face with it, and throw it back out. You know, that was my move.” — Adam, 04:33).
• Mascots and Talking Food Commercials: The team debates the creepiness of anthropomorphized foods and cultural differences in advertising (08:58–11:32).

Memorable Quote:

“The idea of eating and then eventually pooping out whatever the lovable character is bothers me.”
— Adam Carolla (08:58)

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2. “Just Me or Everyone?” with Allison Rosen

• Talking Food Mascots: Segment opens with listener-submitted quirks and questions about talking food mascots, pet choices, and personal habits.
• Ferret Owners: Adam goes off on why ferret owners are inherently suspicious (“The ferret is the only animal that people buy that actually rides their owner.” — Adam, 18:28; “Ferret guys are always jackoffs, and they should never be trusted.” — Adam, 17:01).
• Q-Tips Use Culture: Comedic complaints about “do not insert in ear” warnings, confessions of Q-tip misuse, and alternative methods for ear cleaning.
• Nostalgia for Commercial Jingles and Marginally Entertaining Childhood Television.

Insightful Exchange:

“It says on the box, don’t put in your ear, but that's the first place it goes. It's the only place it goes.”
— Adam (21:37)

“I scoop [earwax with nail clippers].”
— Brian Bishop (23:45)

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3. The Quirky Car Theft Story with Amy Alkon (Science-Based Advice Columnist)

• Amy’s Story: Recounts the theft and recovery of her powder-pink Nash Rambler, highlighting police inaction and her DIY detective work.
• Critique of the Police: Adam’s signature rant about law enforcement's priorities and effectiveness (“Just pull them off the extraction of cash detail from the citizens and put them on the protect and serve detail. And then you’ll have enough guys.” — Adam, 41:09).
• Morality and Dumb Criminals: Amy emphasizes that criminals aren’t geniuses (“Criminals are dumb, so it was easy to find them.” — Amy, 46:03).
• Science-based Advice: Amy unpacks how her column uses real psychological studies rather than “just finger-wagging advice.”
• Evolutionary Psychology & Reputation: Interesting discussion about research and the behavioral science underpinning everyday reactions and social cues (like using eye motifs to boost honesty).

Notable Moment:

“The way to not be a victim is to act like you’re not one, to take action, to do something.”
— Amy Alkon (42:59)

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4. Jay Paterno Interview — Legacy, Loss, and The Scandal

• Background: Jay calls in to discuss his book, "Paterno Legacy," which aims to tell the full story of his father Joe Paterno’s decades-long career — and the tragic fallout of the Sandusky scandal.
• Clearing the Record: Jay stresses that official investigations exonerated his father of a coverup, yet public opinion remains harsh due to media narrative.
• Media and Scandal-mongering: Adam and Jay agree that public ire often spills onto secondary figures after a scandal's main perpetrator is brought to justice (78:05–79:56).
• Growing Up as “JoePa’s” Son: Jay shares the ups and downs of growing up in the Paterno household: perks (access, recognition) and downsides (shared fatherhood with a football team, lack of privacy).
• Legacy and Memory: The group laments how quickly a half-century of good reputation can be undone by media, even after death.

Memorable Quotes:

“You're not going to fake people out for 61 years at the same place. So obviously, he was the real deal.”
— Jay Paterno (76:38)

“Let's not forget there is somebody who either punches women or molests children that we really need to focus our ire on.”
— Adam Carolla (78:05)

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5. Classic Callers, Candy Disputes, and Parenting Riffs

• Caller Kim: A lighthearted segment where Kim seeks advice on approaching a workplace crush.
• Candy Bar Preferences: Enjoyable debate about candy bars, from Reese’s to Marathon bars, with colorful nostalgia and commercial analysis.
• Parent-Child Relationships: The hosts and callers discuss the subtleties of childhood resentment, filial bonds, and how women’s and men’s relationships with their parents differ (“I think a slightly higher percentage of females have a beef with their parents than males have with their parents.” — Adam, 127:27).
• Birds & Pooping: Adam muses about the dynamics and science of birds pooping while flying, with Brian confirming: “99.9% of birds that fly can poop and fly at the same time.” (134:43–135:39)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “There’s a bigger chasm each time you play... I still feel like it’s Rush quality though.” — Adam, riffing on air guitar contest (03:44–03:50)
• “You park a pickup truck with a gun rack and a Dukes of Hazzard flag on the hood... I bet your likelihood [of a robbery] goes way down. Unless you neighbors will think you’re a dick.” — Adam, home security theory (53:10)
• “They just wouldn’t do it. What keeps your gardener in line is if he doesn’t show up to mow the lawn for three weeks... But what if you told your gardener, 'You can never be fired'? How fucking bad would everyone’s front yard look in this city, and how fast?” — Adam, on public unions and police (56:21)
• “The ferret is the only animal that people buy that actually rides their owner.” — Adam (18:28)
• “[Joe Paterno] was iconic, but he was iconic because this is how you want your kids to turn out... good, strong moral constitution... most respected Americans.” — Adam, discussing legacy and reputation (86:33)
• “No one else will do it. You’re all fucking cowards. Step up and start calling them pussies. Thank you.” — Adam, on criticizing police departments (44:59)
• “Just pull them off the extraction of cash detail from the citizens and put them on the protect and serve detail. And then you’ll have enough guys.” — Adam, on police priorities (41:09)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Air Guitar & Mascots: 02:15–11:32
• Just Me or Everyone?: 08:01–27:00
• Amy Alkon Interview: 34:56–55:14
• Jay Paterno Interview: 74:43–85:43
• Candy Bar Debate: 98:07–101:54
• Parent/Child Relationship Discussion: 126:30–133:10

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Tone and Style

The episode maintains Adam Carolla’s direct, irreverent, and observational humor throughout, peppered with insightful moments and emotional candor, especially regarding family and scandal. The banter between Adam, Allison, and Bryan balances self-deprecation with pop culture wisdom, offering listeners both entertainment and perspectives on bigger issues.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode encapsulates what makes “The Adam Carolla Show” enduring: unfiltered comedy, honest debate, and meaningful reflection on public life and private weirdness. Whether you're nostalgic for 2010s podcasting or just want to hear Carolla’s take on celebrities, scandal, and society with a laugh, this classic curation is both accessible and engaging.

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Listen for:

• Hilariously specific cultural riffs (ferrets, Butterfinger bars)
• Sharp critiques of modern law enforcement and public institutions
• Unpacking the Joe Paterno saga with rare personal insight
• Entertaining, off-the-wall exchanges about candy, hygiene, and the quirks of everyday life.

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Transcript

[Allison Rosen]

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[Amy Alcon]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Amy Alcon]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Amy Alcon]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips.

[Adam Carolla]

From all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show.

[Brian Bishop]

We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. You can find it on Podcast one Premium. You can find every episode ad free. And if you'd like to find the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show or get exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat It Out. Check out Adam Crolla's substack adamkorolla.substack.com and.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to request a clip.

[Brian Bishop]

Please email us [e-mail] now let's get to the clips coming up first today we have Adam Crolla Show 1374 featuring Amy Alconk, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2014. I hope you guys enjoy.

[Jay Paterno]

Good day.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, Rosa, hello Adam Carolla and bald Bryan.

[Brian Bishop]

Hal D. Cottingham, one of that oldie the goodie from Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

The hashtag top drop us doing some live shows in flappers. Burbank filmed my movie there. Las Vegas coming up, Treasure Island August 29th and Ventura Crowne Plaza September 24th. So come on out and say hi to us, man. You want your boy book jacket signs, send it in. We got a whole pile of them back there and a whole pile of not Taco Bell materials. And we'll autograph everything and send it back. Just go to the website, look it up, figure it out, send it in. Mike Altier gets everything all done up and I just go there and sign everything and we get it back to you in a somewhat timely fashion.

[Allison Rosen]

If I could just toot my own horn for one second. I was listening to Rush earlier because sometimes I like to pretend I'm a young boy who doesn't have sex and really think my my mouth guitar neck and neck with guitar solo from a Rush song or many other songs. I mean if you close your eyes you would think that's me just wheedly wheedling on a guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on Let me close my eyes. Good.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I'll play the Rush one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Well, now play my.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Allison, I. And I'm being honest, and I hope you take this in spirit in which it's intended. It just didn't sound as good as the Rush one did. It just didn't.

[Brian Bishop]

I agree. Alison, listen closely.

[Adam Carolla]

Close my eyes.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen closely to the Rush one. Listen to the depth and the improvisation. You can hear it freezing.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's Rush.

[Brian Bishop]

That's Rush. Now here's yours.

[Allison Rosen]

They really sound like.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's that way in your head for you, but it's not that way for the people at home.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, for sure. Cause they sound so similar.

[Adam Carolla]

You're sounding silly, because people who are listening now are going, one's Rush and one's you.

[Allison Rosen]

I hate that. It's like one of those magic eyes where you just. I can't see it, you know, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Mean, listen to the artistry and just the notes between the notes, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S Rush.

[Brian Bishop]

Now here's you.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a bigger chasm each time you play.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm beginning to hear it. I still. I still feel like it's Rush quality, though.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the number one air guitar band? And I. And air. I think Rush may be the number one air drum band.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, if I may.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I had the privilege of judging the world air guitar championships a few weeks ago at the Viper Room on Sunset. It was a fucking great time, by the way. It's. This guy's in costume doing air guitar for the right to go to the world championships in, like, Helsinki or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they now, can you. Is it all air, or can you go tennis racket?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no instrument is all air. But you can have props. You can have a cape, which some people did. You can have tassels, which some people did. You can have American flag briefs, which some people did.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to do a move when I would do air guitar, which is. I would throw a towel in at myself, blot my face with it, and throw it back out. You know, that was my move.

[Brian Bishop]

You would do this competition, I will say from the experience there, Van Halen is the. Is the prototypical air guitar band. But you couldn't go wrong with AC DC or some of that nature.

[Adam Carolla]

But I wonder if Rush has done more air drumming.

[Allison Rosen]

I think so.

[Brian Bishop]

I would say so.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know if there's an air drum competition down the street.

[Brian Bishop]

The Whiskey a Go Go.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris locks a lot of his judging now, are there. There got to be Full air bands. Right. Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

It's all solo performers, so I don't know. I imagine that's got to be a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a tough to pick.

[Brian Bishop]

It was. Because honestly, it's the theatricality and the tongue in cheekness of it all. Got. You know, they all have nicknames, like professional wrestlers. They have nicknames.

[Adam Carolla]

It was just you, Joey Buttafuoco and John Wayne Bobbitt. Like, who were the other notables?

[Brian Bishop]

The other notables were. A statement is I was the most notable. It was another past winner. A past world champion.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a penthouse slash playboy slut model. And. Oh, it was actually a professional wrestler. There was a female professional wrestler.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right. So you were wwe. All right. So I wasn't far the big draw.

[Brian Bishop]

I was the big draw. Showed up for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're gonna see someone play an air instrument while driving, I feel like 99% of the time it's drums.

[Brian Bishop]

Drums?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Why is that Piano?

[Adam Carolla]

Occasionally for John Candy and Mess Around Ray Charles. Great song.

[Brian Bishop]

But drums. Because the hands are there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're just there. All right. Shall we do. I'll tell you what we should do. We'll do a new little segment that Allison Rosen's gonna lead us in first Legal. Zoom, baby. Oh. Most Americans don't have a will. Let's say you're driving along in that Buick playing a little air drums.

[Brian Bishop]

You're going nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you get a little too into it. You veer off the road and you come home in an urn.

[Brian Bishop]

Phil Collins is playing in the air tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

You've got to hit that fill. What about the kids? What about the property, huh? You need a will, people. Let's not procrastinate. You think it's too expensive? You think it's too time consuming? Not with LegalZoom. LegalZoom.com great prices. Takes just 20 minutes. They'll guide you from start to finish. Developed by the best legal minds in the country. They make it painless. They make it easy. Get your will, get it done. [e-mail] Dawson during National Mega Will Month, get special pricing on wills and living trusts by entering Adam in the referral box at checkout. It's National Make a Will month, so don't wait any longer. Protect your family, protect your future. @legalzoom.com Today, LegalZoom was developed by top attorneys to provide self help services at your specific direction. But they're not a law firm. Legal help is furnished through vetted independent attorneys. It sounded like you mispronounced hinterland. I might have. That's my bad. You may have said enter by mistake. I didn't mean to. I'll do it right.

[Allison Rosen]

H was silent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess you went too fast. Like honorary and a butchered hinter. Okay. All right, let's do it. Just me or everyone? Sometimes I ponder on something I have thought or done. Is it just me or everyone?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so this is a segment that we do on my show, and the way it initially came about. I was walking around in Brooklyn one day, and I saw a fire truck, sirens blaring, going down the street. And I thought to myself, I wonder if I hope that's not going to my apartment. I hope I didn't leave my straightening iron plugged in. And I just imagined my apartment in a towering inferno. And I realized that every time I'm away from home and I see a fire truck headed towards my apartment, not to. Just headed in the direction that possibly could be my apartment. I always have that thought. And I thought, does everyone have that, or is there something wrong with me? Is it just me or is it everyone? So then started doing the segment. And so people tweet us things that they think or do, and they wonder, is it just me or is it everyone? And then we discuss it. And I thought it would be fun to do it here. So here are just a few. Don Campbell says, just me or everyone. Commercials with talking foods freak me out. M&MS. Don't need a personality. So now we say how we feel about that. Sometimes it can be cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But in general, the idea of eating and then eventually pooping out whatever the lovable character is bothers me. And I'll tell you to take it a step further. Certain cultures, like Mexican culture, if you go to their butcher shops, they literally have Mr. Pig, and he has, like, a monocle and he chaps, and I mean spats and, like, a top hat. And, like, there's Mrs. Cow, and she's standing there with, like, lipstick on. And you're like, I'm going in. We call it pork. Like, we don't call it pig.

[Allison Rosen]

The whole point is to. To not think about the relationship between that cut of meat and the cute cartoon.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys have taken it a step further. You've made it into a human being that I'm gonna eat with a personality.

[Brian Bishop]

Snarky or silly or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird, and I don't get it. And, you know, I don't mind the. The tiger. Tony the tiger. Doing. Doing.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not eating tiger. Flakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I don't mind Toucan Sam, you know, and.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. The mascots are okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't mind the mascots doing. Being the spokesperson for the thing. But no, I don't need that. What really freaks me out is like when the phlegm family moves in to.

[Allison Rosen]

Your lungs or climbs or the fungus climbs under your toenail.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't need any little noids climbing under my fucking fingernails or toenails and getting. No, I don't. I don't. Like, so not freaked out. But in general, not a fan.

[Allison Rosen]

But we recently.

[Adam Carolla]

And they think they're. They think they're funny too, and they're not funny. The M and M guys think they're much funnier than they are.

[Allison Rosen]

We recently reminisced about park, the margarine that talks, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Park A.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't find that. That doesn't creep me out. I kind of miss that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the thing. We grew up in such a vacuum of creativity that having a margarine tub where you open it up and some guy went parquet was actually entertaining to us.

[Brian Bishop]

Anthropomorphized parquet.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Would not fly in today's. My kids would not be entertained by the kind of shit like, I mean, remember, like Carvel commercials. Hi, I'm Squeaky the whale. You know, it's like, huh. I mean, I'd watch Cal Worthington commercials and it's like, hey, he's riding on a hippo. The old guy with the cowboy hat sitting on a hippo. I was like, this was high entertainment, but it was all we had.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I had no problem with talking MMs and shit. What I do have problem with is when they show the whole dead animal before they cook it. Like the pig that's just been slit belly mouth to nuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, I can't. That's a bit much. I don't even. I don't even want to see my lobster in a tank before I eat lobster.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you on that too. I don't need to see anything. I forgot. Hadn't told this story in a while, but when we went to Arnie Morton's, the steakhouse out here, they probably have them around. I don't know if they start out here. Well, anyway, we used to go. They do the presentation, they roll the card out, the cart would have the lobster. The lobster being. It's sort of catatonic phase. The thing that lobsters go into, which I'd like to go into. I'm always Very jealous of the lobster. They get to like fall asleep without actually sleeping and they just go in that thing and so they'd put. The waitress would push the thing out, she'd have the cuts of the beef, she'd hold them up on the plate. This is our prime rib, this is our center coat, this is what our bone in. And she'd give the whole presentation. But if you eat there enough, you don't need the presentation. You get it? They got the lobster, they got the bone in or the rib eye or whatever it is, is. We used to go, me and Jimmy and Daniel Kellison used to go there with Jennifer and another one of our co producers from the man show. Once a year before we started the man show, we'd go out for a steak dinner and enjoy ourselves. Well, we don't need the presentation because we'd seen it enough. But the table next to ours was getting the presentation and Daniel had a couple of cocktails, as Daniel's apt to do. And while the person was giving the present, he literally just took the lobster and just sort of set it in his hand, like under our table, just sort of held it. And the person who was giving the presentation never broke. So she's saying we have the bone in rib eye, we also have veal chops. And she just turned to grab the next plate. She noticed immediately that the lobster was gone, but she never cracked. And she just like sort of turned around. But you could tell she was sort of looking around for the catatonic lobster which really never moved. They just sit there. But I'm assuming she thought it fell off the thing or was crawled under something or did something. It was on the run, it was like four times. She kept going back but she didn't want to go like, hold on a second, I'm missing a lobster. Have you guys seen a lobster? So she kept kind of just going. And if we have a, if it's aged 32 days. And then she'd turn around again and go and find if you're going to order souffle, you want to get that in now? And she kept turning back. But the great part is she turned five times, never saw any lobster. Clearly was starting to crack. And at a certain point Daniel just set it right back where it was, put his hand back and we all continued our conversation at our table and she turned around, the lobster was there. And we never told her. What a pro, total pro. And I have no fucking idea what she told anybody. Like what'd she tell her boyfriend when she Got home or like the lobster hasn't moved. She worked there for 10 years. That never move. How to get right back to where it was. Where did it go?

[Allison Rosen]

I thought she was losing her mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything but drunken adult sitting behind you. Grab. Grab the lobster, right?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, all right. Ashley Littlefield says, I can't trust anyone who owns a ferret. Just mirror everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone, really? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't trust, like, ferret owners.

[Brian Bishop]

I have no opinion. I don't know a ferret owner.

[Adam Carolla]

They're. They're in the weasel family. And so the fuck are the owners. It's a guy. It's it. Now there's. Own a ferret and keep it under your hat, but I don't see.

[Allison Rosen]

Play it close to your vest, literally.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think there are any of those guys who own a ferret and keep it under their hat or under their vest or close to their vest. It's always with them. It's always on Venice Beach. They got the inline skates going. And that guy's officially douchebag, and he's only doing it to try to get laid. If you, in fact own a ferret and treat it like I treat my kids, goldfish, where it's just at your house and it never leaves your house and you don't weave it in every fucking conversation you have, we're like, oh, man, it's tough what's going on over there in Bosnia. But, hey, my ferret, Janky, he, you know, stop. It's the person that uses the ferret in place of a personality.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? And now, I wonder, ardent ferret ferret owners, would they say, oh, no, you don't understand. They're really affectionate and they make great pets. And I feel like anything your parrots doing, your ferret, excuse me, is doing for you, you can get that from a hamster or a rabbit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, I blame the movie Beastmaster.

[Brian Bishop]

We all do.

[Adam Carolla]

Because there were a couple of ferrets, I think, in that movie. Were there? I'm pretty sure.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, there were.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, quietly, the most homoerotic film ever filmed. Ever, ever, ever brought to the cinema.

[Brian Bishop]

More than Jackass 3. Pretty homoerotic. Well, a lot of naked dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

When Cotto and Podo and the Beastmaster ferrets. And when the Beastmaster got into the castle, he was chased around by guys just wearing, like, leather diapers with leather hoods and, like, boots that went up to their knees and long, like, leather gloves who couldn't speak. I mean, it was like this weird Homoerotic fantasy. Like, what if I was in this castle, the whole bunch of guys with leather, but I can't talk, and they're all coming after me and my parents? Like, that's what it. It felt like insanely homoerotic to me. I. We got to see the guys. It's going to drive. I swear to God. And then everyone's hooked up to the tumescent monitors that I got. We're going to find out. We're going to get to the bottom of this, literally. So, yeah, ferret guys are always jack offs, and they should never be trusted. Unless here's the one ferret guy I think I could deal with where I was just talking to a guy and he said, like, sorry, I was running late. Ferret got into the cereal and made a mess. And I was like, you own a ferret, Bob? And he's like, all of 11 years. Geez. You never brought it up. You never brought it with you, never discussed it. Yeah, I quietly enjoy my ferret at home. I think I could hang with that guy.

[Allison Rosen]

That should be the move. Get a ferret and then it really pays off in 11 years.

[Adam Carolla]

When you finally break the side to 11 years. But you would be sure shocked if you spoke to someone and they're like, you have a ferret. Like, yeah, sure, totally.

[Allison Rosen]

That. Yeah, that's like the number. That or a snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Because if you have a ferret or snake, you are loud about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ferret is, like the only animal that people buy that actually rides their owner. Like, they get on top.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. I feel like I'm seeing an outtake from a fetish film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The. The guys in the castle. And there are literally scores of these guys. This isn't subtle. Well, let's make them look tough and put some leather on them or something. They're wearing a leather diaper. A leather hood. It's basically. It's a gimp hood. And they chasing the beastmaster guy around the super gay castle. The moat is filled with semen. It is that gay.

[Allison Rosen]

What is this movie about?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Mastering beasts. Allison, come on. It's right there in the title.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it Mark Singer?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know beast? I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you talking about it?

[Adam Carolla]

But hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

Has not stood the test of time.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that movie. Movie's so good. He's getting ch. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

The dude talks to animals. He can speak their language. So he's got lots of animal friends. He has a Hawk, he has two ferrets. He's got a tiger painted black. Yeah, painted the tiger black. Paint the tiger black. And you knew that. You knew the ferret names off the top of your head. Kodo and Podo. Yeah, yeah. But when you're, when you, when you get stoned a lot, you watch the same movie like 23 times, right? I need to watch this movie again. Very bad. But how gay are the guys at the castle? Totally gay. Looking back on it now, 100 at the time, you didn't notice.

[Jay Paterno]

Seven though.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't notice at the time. Those guys were scary when I was a kid, but scary because you're gonna be analy raped. I mean, show those guys, if you can find it, Gary, you show this guy's running through the castle. They didn't tell. They were like, they didn't make, they didn't talk. They just. They're all studded up with leather, wearing a diaper.

[Brian Bishop]

There's gotta be a YouTube clip out there somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I just want to be the guy who's sitting in like every room where they get the guy coming in, who's oiled up and shaved and he's wearing the leather diaper and the leather boots up those going, hold on, this is a little bit gay, right? Like, shouldn't. I mean, I'm the only one.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

I want him to be tough looking and scary looking. But this is borders. This is way past that. All right, so no ferrets. What is. We have one more and then, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

We have one more. Tony Dacost says it says not to use Q tips in your inner ear on the box. But I've convinced myself that's just a warning for kids and stupid people. I was just thinking about this the other day. I was thinking that for so many years I observed and obeyed the rule that you're never supposed to put anything in your ears. But that's the whole point of Q tips, right? Isn't that really, like, what's meant, meant for?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, it says, it not says not to do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that really what people use them for? Yes, yes, occasionally I use them to like cosmetically and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

But as far as your ear goes, if you can't put it in your ear, the rest you can do with your finger. I mean, you just take a hot shower and sort of take your finger in there and it's. Of course you put it in your ear. It's the only reason for it.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why it exists.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

One of the times, you know, it was weird. But you guys might be able to find this while you're going through your homoerotic archives. I think the first time Jimmy did Ellen's show, Jimmy did that bit where it's like it says on the box, don't put in here. But he didn't do this as bit. But it's like when I used to go to the army surplus store and they'd have the vibrator, like the plain white vibrator that they would sell at the counter and it was always a picture of a chick putting it on her shoulder going like, relief. Finally the relief on my shoulder. And it's like, yeah, it wasn't from playing tennis all day. We know what this is in the smoke shop, right? We know where this is heading. And the same with the Q tip. So he did this whole bit of like it says don't put in your ear, but that's the first place it goes. It's the only place it goes. And she did the like, what? And he was like, you know the Q tip, you gotta put it in your ear. It says don't put it in your ear, but everyone puts it in your ear. And she's like, I don't put it in my ear. Do you guys put it in? It was like, sweetie, it's like bizarro world, right? First off, even if you don't pretend you do, it's one of those comedy things. And then number two, this comedic concept is being explained to a 42 year old comedian. Like, isn't this why it's weird? Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I would imagine that was very frustrating.

[Brian Bishop]

For Zero Subtext.

[Adam Carolla]

I was watching it getting like yelling at the TV set like, no, yes, of course. This is a bit like, why wouldn't you.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I've got adjustment. Or everyone hashtag jmoejaymo. Because I think running a lot of them now this may disgust you or it may delight you.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it about ear wax? It is like it's going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

I could feel it.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't use Q tips. I feel like it just pushes stuff in. I don't like them. I use, I take the fingernail clipper, I take the, the squeeze end, turn it around because it's like a scoop and I scratch, I scratch. I get it out of there.

[Allison Rosen]

That makes me earwax thinking about it.

[Brian Bishop]

I know I get kind of close, but ear wax is supposed to be dug out, not pushed, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You need like a little earwax melon baller.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not just me, I think. I don't think anyone else does this.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not me.

[Brian Bishop]

I scoop.

[Adam Carolla]

No, don't do that. But I do use the hook thing to get the toe cheese out after I clean, after I trim the nails.

[Brian Bishop]

The same type of thing.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I'll say this about Earwax. The relationship between what I think I'm gonna have on the Q tip versus what I have is often. I mean, I'm really flying blind. Like, I'll be like, oh, this one's gonna be just. I just can't wait to see the bounty. And then nothing. And then one where I'm like, I don't think there's anything. And then it's like, wow, a lot of earwax. What color is that?

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's the. How long's that been there? And who's been staring at it? And. Yeah. All right, let's. Do we have an outro, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

We don't, but if you guys would like to send in any of your. Just me or everyone's. Tweet them to me. Tweet them. Okay. Get a pen. Or just memorize this. RI y M B F, which is Allison Rosens and your best friend. That's where we call it. Just me. Everyone's jmoe. Just mere everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that bit, and I think we should continue to do it. And I want to find Beastmaster now, because now fucking obsessed.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, Obsessed me to everyone obsessed with Beastmaster.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

They painted the tiger black.

[Brian Bishop]

There are things called panthers out there. Read a tiger black.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll see.

[Brian Bishop]

There's leopards, and leopards have spots. There's panthers.

[Adam Carolla]

They painted the tiger black. All right, Scott, 30, Orlando.

[Jay Paterno]

Hey, Spald Passion. How's it going, guys?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. And if you can find Alan, I'll watch you too. What's going on?

[Jay Paterno]

So I heard Jimmy on Simmons podcast a while back, and he was telling a story about how you wanted to borrow Jimmy's son's Mini Cooper while he was out of college. And I just figured it was because you hate things going to waste. But I just. I've always wondered why you would do that if you have, like, 10,000 cars.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have 10,000 cars. I have 8,500 cars. The cars I have are race cars for the most part, and some like antiquey cars, but people don't realize. First thing is, like, they'll say, well, can you drive the race car? Like, could you drive it on the street? And I'd Be like, it doesn't. It shoots fire out of the side of it. The clearance, it drags on the ground. You couldn't go through a driveway. It's louder than fucking shit. I mean, it's not even close to streetable where the headlights are. There's either a screen or a decal of headlights. Like, it's completely, utterly undriveable on the street. And then the other cars are, like, old and could possibly catch on fire. And I had a situation where I was going to get a car from Jag to drive around for a year for free was awesome. But it was gonna take like, three weeks. So I, like, turned in one car and I was carless for, like, three weeks.

[Brian Bishop]

Car layover.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm also one of these guys. Is it just me or is this everyone? I don't like driving really nice cars around because half the stuff I do is going to the Home Depot. I don't like being looked at. I wouldn't drive, like, if you said, I have a Ferrari.

[Allison Rosen]

If you said this is like just me or everyone. Millionaires edition.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. If you said you can drive or you have to drive every day for a year now. I'm not talking about going out to Malibu on PCH on the weekend or something, your local errands. I'm just, this is your car for a year. Convertible, red Ferrari or bone stock brown Mini Cooper. I would fucking drive the brown Mini Cooper every day. And it would. It would be tempting to say, give me the Ferrari, but by week number two, I'd be tired of everyone looking at me. I just want to go to the Home Depot and get my shit and get in and out of there. I want to eat my fast food in the car and not worry about, oh, it's Corinthian leather and all that shit. So we got a clip. So I actually like just sort of plain cars. For a guy who loves exotic cars and loves race cars and loves all that stuff, I like plain cars. Jag gave me a really nice car, and I'm. I'll be damned if I'm. If I'm gonna hand it back to.

[Brian Bishop]

Him, but it's not ostentatious. It's nice, but it's not a Ferrari convertible.

[Adam Carolla]

If I. I don't like red cars. I don't like convertible cars. If I was gonna go buy a car right now, I'd buy a gray Mini Cooper and just fly under everyone's radar. All right, I'll. We'll look at this clip of the Beastmaster just so you can see what I'm talking about. He's going after the weasels, ferrets, como and podo. I mean, the fe.

[Allison Rosen]

And the third one.

[Adam Carolla]

Delayed. He has dominion over animals. Here comes the super angry gay guy.

[Brian Bishop]

He's growling.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a bear. He's a bear. All right, we just got to see the game. I swear to God, there's a whole bunch of these guys. Let's get one more look at. I mean, honestly, he snarls.

[Allison Rosen]

He's there climbing through a colon.

[Adam Carolla]

The lead singer, Judas Priest was like, reel it in a little bit, dude. Rob's like, come on down a notch. Bring it in. Or by the way, can I borrow your threads? Because I'm leading the pride parade this year. I mean, it's crazy, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, okay. Yes, very much so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's just crawling around in a tube. He's not even wearing a loincloth. He's wearing a fucking diaper. He's wearing, like, a leather diaper.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this not seen by most people as super homoerotic? Like, are you the only one who's saying that about this?

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't know from gay. We thought the village People were straight. We're like, God, man, that dude who works for the phone company and that cop probably get a ton of pussy, man. I mean, look at those dudes. I mean, we didn't know what gay was in 1980. It was a weird thing. We didn't know about Freddie Mercury. We didn't know about any of this stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Elton John was a ladies man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mm. All right, thank you. Who we just talking to? Oh, Scott. Yeah. Thanks, Scott. That's the story. That's the story. All right, let's see. Raising minimum wage, Looking for advice on award winning homebrew. Huh? Huh? We'll go fast. Let's see. Matt. Matt.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Jay Paterno]

Well, man, I'm just making a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of good beer out here.

[Jay Paterno]

In Dallas, you know, Addison area. I know you love Addison and want some advice on how to take this off out of my kitchen and into a career?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, many guys have done the home brew thing and had a run at it. I gotta tell you, the problem with getting into some of these craft beers is once you've been sipping on one of those for a while, and then you open the fridge and there's just a Miller Lite in there, and you reach for that, it's like, long way to fall. You don't go the other direction. Start with the Miller Lite, then Go with the craft brew because we got some good stuff floating around here. And I was drinking it over the weekend, and then I just found myself grabbing a Miller at some point. I was like, what the fuck happened to this beer? And it's just one of those, I like Miller lights, but not after three Sam Adams or whatever, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Hillside tailgating. It's a time and place.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an order, too. Yes, Matt, I have found that the market is pretty fair. If you have a good product and you get out there and you just work it like anybody else with a good product. I don't think a beer is any different than any other invention, really. If you have. Have something that's good that people like, then you go about it. You try to get investors, you try to get people. A lot of it is you. You talk to people and you go, oh, somebody knows a guy who's a distributor, whatever. Well, can I get a meeting with the guy? And it's just, you know, network. The same as anything else.

[Brian Bishop]

Short of that, if you're. If the brew. If the beer is really good, just go local. Go to the bars you go to, and you know, the bartender, whoever, and say, hey, I make this beer. It's really good. Would you consider putting it on one of the taps?

[Adam Carolla]

The problem with that is I found out you can't just go, hey, take my shit all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

You have a relationship, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You have to have a distributor.

[Brian Bishop]

Even for local. I thought of the Internet, like Internet across state lines, but even like local.

[Adam Carolla]

I think even with local meaning, I can't take a case of Mangria and go to the corner store and go, hey, here's my Mangria. They have to get it through a distributor.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought that was only like cross state lines.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's that way. In California. We're pretty regulated, and it's that way most places. But I don't know. I don't know if you could go in and put something on tap. I would imagine you go to the distributor and the distributor does it. But there's a way to do that.

[Brian Bishop]

Too, probably with abc, the beverage control. I'm sure there's.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, speaking of topics I like beside beer. Tommy John Ware. I love these guys. They dropped off a bunch of stuff. T shirts especially. I don't know, I can't explain it. They're sort of form fitting. And you put them under your shirt. It's an undershirt. But you'll never go back to the other cotton undershirt. Ever again. Because right now, I guess it's sort of the equivalent of like saying wearing swim trunks under your pants versus wearing underpants under your pants. There's that different feeling.

[Brian Bishop]

It fits the way it's supposed to fit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. This is now. It's like wearing two shirts versus the Tommy John, which is like a tight fitting shirt underneath your shirt. I don't know why. All I can tell you is you won't go back. I swear to God. They gave me like four of these things. I sift through my drawer looking for them every time. And I will not go back to just the V neck, T shirt. Breathable fabric. It does not shrink. You don't get the bacon neck look. Go to tommyjohnware.com they do underwear, they do the shirts. It's just the best. Try it. Call me a liar. Frodo likes it and so does Toto. What are the two ferrets name?

[Jay Paterno]

Podo and Cotto.

[Adam Carolla]

Podo and Cotto. Yes, I swear. Enter the promo code Adam and get 20% off your first order. I just told Matt after they gave me the three of these shirts, I just went, I need 10 more of these things. You'll never go back to the T shirt underneath the dress shirt again. And same with the underpants. TommyJohnware.com promo COD for 20% off. Just the best stuff around. You will never go back. All right, let's see. Amy Alcon is out there. She's got a book, she's got a podcast, she's got a story.

[Allison Rosen]

She's a science based advice columnist.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll talk to her right after this. Amy Alcon in studio. She's got a podcast, Advice Goddess Radio, available on itunes and is published in over 100 newspapers in North America. I like this because I got questions. How long have you been doing? How do you get into advice, doing advice columns?

[Amy Alcon]

Actually, I gave free advice on the street corner in New York with two other women. And we just did this as a joke and thought no one would sit down. But New York, free. They lined up and then people asked us real questions and I thought, oh my God, I don't know anything. And I started reading and then I started going to science conferences. So that's, that's sort of how it got started.

[Adam Carolla]

The book, by the way, is called Good Manners for nice People who Sometimes say fuck, which I like. Although I don't know if you're publisher and you argued over that title.

[Amy Alcon]

They were great. Actually. I left an agent over the word fuck, but now things are really Good. And the publisher, they've been fabulous and did a great cover and everything. So they're very fuck supportive.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when people are fuck flexible. Mike, August told us the other night about a story in you and a Nash Metropolitan, I believe, that was stolen from you.

[Amy Alcon]

Nash Rambler. Oh, powder pink, white top, continental kit.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not what was said.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't I say Nash? I said it looked at Nash Rambler and he went, Metropolitan. And I went.

[Allison Rosen]

He did. He said Metropolitan.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I said Rambler. The fuck? I feel like I've.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe you're confusing her with another guest we have coming in who has a story about a Nash Metropolitan.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Anyway. You have a Nash Rambler.

[Amy Alcon]

Well, I did, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You did. And you went and found it. I'm just laughing because it's the weirdest thing where I said, you mean Rambler? And he went, no, Metropolitan. I went, okay, well, I could argue with him, but it was a Rambler. And what happened?

[Amy Alcon]

It got stunned.

[Adam Carolla]

People should see the car, by the way. We'll put a picture. It's a very unique, funky, crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

I never heard of it. But then we started looking at photos and I looked up the Metropolitan because that's what August said it was very cute car.

[Amy Alcon]

Oh, they're adorable. I wanted one of those and actually bought one as sort of a mistake. My Rambler was a mistake, too, because I moved from New York and I decided I wanted to look interesting instead of poor, which is a problem because you actually need to get around in Los Angeles, and the Rambler was problematic in the getting around thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks a lot like the Metropolitan, so a little bigger version of it. But either way, 50s car, quirky, funky car. And, yeah, there's a price to be paid. And you should just drive a Honda because it's easier. But you don't seem like you've got any quirk to you.

[Amy Alcon]

Well, yeah, exactly. And you realize the beauty of getting from point A to point B without dropping an axle once you've had one of these cars. But I didn't know that at first.

[Adam Carolla]

The euphemism for taking a shit, Right?

[Amy Alcon]

Exactly. A really big one, you know, and so you think that when you drive a powder pink car with all this white stuff all over it, that no one will steal this. I had a club. I just left it off because I thought, what kind of idiot steals a powder pink car because it's so identifiable? And you think. And when it got stolen, somebody said to me, well, he's gonna go to Mexico over the thief as they assumed it was a guy. Sorry, but that they would go get it painted. But this guy actually ended up driving around la.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. So he's driving the. These cars came in powder blue and powder pink and like two tone white and pink and blue. And there was even a black and white one, I think. But you got like a pink car. The guy's driving around LA in it now. Do you go to the cops?

[Amy Alcon]

Well, I reported it when it was stolen and I had this notion then, this notion I was disabused of, that the police will try to solve your crime.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny, huh? It's weird, right?

[Amy Alcon]

Totally untrue.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane. Just because you pay taxes and they say protect and serve on the side of the car, you go, whoa, I'll just report. And also, to be fair, we all watch way too many shows where they have wild depictions about what cops actually do. They really sit around and either wait for the phone to ring to give them a tip on who got drunk and start talking about whose wife they murdered, or they hand out chicken shit jaywalking tickets and. Or park up the street at the four way fucking stop sign and wait for citizens to roll through then and hand out. But as far as the part where they snap into action, that's a bunch of television fantasy.

[Allison Rosen]

This is Dick Wolf's fault.

[Adam Carolla]

Longworth. Yeah, you really should just watch Star Trek because it's the exact same fucking fantasy that those guys are gonna go right on it, ma'. Am. And you know what? I'm not gonna sleep until we get your Nash Rambler or Metropolitan back.

[Amy Alcon]

Right, that's what I thought. And then, so my assistant saw the car going down Orange and Beverly and I called the police and they said, well, ma', am, if the police run the plate, we'll pull it over like, no, no, no, you don't understand. It's not the gray Nissan that drives. It's a powder pink. It's like cotton candy on wheels. If the police run the plate, it was so crazy. So I went out looking for it myself and everything. And basically the whole story about finding this car, it was very much my doing. I ended up getting the car back. But this was because I did all this tracking, this kind of Nancy Drew fantasy that I lived out.

[Adam Carolla]

And well, to be fair, the cops are busy sitting at the four way fucking stop sign handing out chicken shit tickets to the people who pay their fucking salaries, you pussies.

[Allison Rosen]

So what does that mean? If the cops, meaning if he, if he does something that gets their attention, but otherwise you're screwed.

[Amy Alcon]

Yeah, basically, you're screwed. What I learned from this experience is that if there is not a body still alive bleeding on your kitchen floor, the police will do nothing about your crime. The police reports, they take worthless. Don't bother.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's an LA thing. I hope. I pray the rest of the nation is not plagued by the same bullshit that we are. And by the way, the cops thing is this, hey, ho, don't get involved. You know what? Then what? Let you handle it. You don't do it like the whole thing is like, yeah, you don't go after the guy yourself. You don't go chasing your car around if the guy snatches your purse. You don't, well, so now what's the alternative? Zero. Because you assholes don't do shit. The guy's dead in Pasadena because he said the guy had a gun. Because he wanted his fucking computer back. Because the only way to get it, if you want your car back, next time, say somebody held a gun to you and took my car. Then they'll go after it. If not, you're just another citizen who got their shit stolen. What I give a fuck about that for?

[Allison Rosen]

So how did you find it? How did you track it down?

[Amy Alcon]

It was actually a series of coincidences. Now, when you have a Rambler, it's different than having, you know, a Nissan. You have to trade parts with people. And so I actually saw my thief on the side of the road. Didn't know it was him. He was broken down in a Rambler station wagon. And I know Rambler people know other Rambler people. They see Ramblers, they're all excited. So I told him. I stopped and told my thief that my car had been stolen. This is right, right adjacent to my block, right where he had stolen my car. He broke down in another Rambler and he told me he'd take me to look at a Nash Metropolitan. And I was all, oh, my God, I miss my car. I need a new car. And so I accepted. And because I had been a producer in another life, I asked for his phone number. That's what the bitch producer does. They're always sure that someone's going to screw up. So I had this number. It was wrong. But then when I went to chase my car, I stopped at a used car lot. And I thought maybe they pass hot cars. And the guy comes out and he says, can I help you? And you know, well, I'm looking for my pink Rambler. And he said, actually a guy came to sell me one. You know, Just a few days ago. And the number was one number off. So then I called the Rambler people. It was this whole long thing of, you know, this tracking Nancy Drew, very exciting thing, but basically taught me something, which was that the way to act like the way to not be a victim is to act like you're not one to take action, to do something, to not sit there and wait for the police to solve your crime. And by the way, when I found out the guy was home, I gave him, gave the police the phone number, all this information, who he was.

[Allison Rosen]

They still didn't do anything.

[Amy Alcon]

No. And in fact I found out he was home from a Rambler parts guy. And they said none of the detectives are here right now. Will you please call back tomorrow?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

What have I always say? They're fucking horrible. They're fucking horrible. And the part where they go, we just don't have enough bodies. Yes you do. Just pull them off the extraction of cash detail from the citizens and put them on the protect and serve detail. And then you'll have enough guys. Cuz there's an asshole who sits on Forest Lawn Drive parked up the driveway with his fucking radar detector. And there's another pussy that sits over here on the four way and they're stashed all over the place. I drove over here, they're sitting up on the on ramp waiting for the guys to buzz by on the 210 on a fucking Sunday. Yes, there's plenty of them. Stop, have them fundraising, start selling fucking tickets to the policeman's ball like you used to do and start working for the people who are. We actually employ you. You work for us. They lost it at a certain point. Everyone I know went in and talked to cops. Now they just explained to them, don't expect any. We're not going to do anything. Like they say to their face, I mean, Mike August got a bunch of his shit stolen and like, could you send a guy out? No, you come, come in. Come here. You just come in. They're gonna be closed on Sundays. Pretty soon they're just gonna be playing fucking softball all day. They're gonna have you come in and get your parking tickets. They're literally gonna go, you know what? We're gonna save some money. Instead of having the chick run around in the Chevette, we're just gonna, we're just coming and assign you tickets like they're fucking horrible. And everyone, it's great because someone just makes another cop show called no time for Backup while the guy's Sliding over the fucking hood. And then the mayor gets on there and talks about the heroes, and then we all move on. I'm the only one who talks shit about cops in this fucking city. I've always done it. I've never stopped. And no one else will do it. You're all fucking cowards. Step up and start calling them pussies. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

So did he give you your car back? Yeah.

[Amy Alcon]

What happened was when they said none of the detectives are here right now, I just had no alternative. I called him up and I threatened him. I had gone on one date with this guy who helped break the first World Trade center bombing case with the FBI. And I just remembered his name. My dry cleaner, New York set me up with him, and I pulled out his name and I said, dry cleaner. You know, you get dates where you can, you know. And I said, he is my friend. He has to stop you. He'll throw you in jail for grand theft auto. And I went in this tirade and he just said, where would you like your car?

[Adam Carolla]

And he brought it back.

[Amy Alcon]

He brought it back. And I was so sure. Actually, I'm not usually that cocky that he would bring it back. I went to somebody's book party because I still had a car. I had the rental car, which actually drove unlike my car, because the Rambo, like, he had vacuum powered windshield wipers. So it was raining. You could either go forward or see it was a complicated mess. He brought it back, but it was really destroyed, which led to my second catching of him. He was supposed to pay me restitution. They picked him up on a bench warrant and then he wasn't doing that. But I'd catch him over and over because he. Criminals are dumb, so it was easy to find them.

[Adam Carolla]

They're high, too, sometimes. There's a song, by the way, about the Nash Rambler. One of the stars of the song is the Nash Rambler, and I think it's called Beep Beep. And I don't know if you know this song. You figure when you're hanging out with the Nash Club, do you have an artist? You guys would have a conversation about it. Playmates, probably the playmates 50s. I had a string of hits about small cars that underperformed. Do you know this one? I figured Bella Panel Loop at the Nash gatherings, right? Am I the only human being knows.

[Brian Bishop]

This on earth, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

So I know.

[Allison Rosen]

On the premises, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now just listen to it. Black is not a car to scorn.

[Allison Rosen]

So cute.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's where it picks up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the guy's in the little Nash Rambler and the guy's driving a big Cadillac and he's not going to let him pass him.

[Amy Alcon]

Metropolitan. I think he meant the Metropolitan, too, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

How is it I'm bringing this song up to you?

[Amy Alcon]

You know, I somehow miss some kind of pop cultural upbringing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Turn it up.

[Amy Alcon]

I love that. It's like the little engine that could for Ramblers.

[Allison Rosen]

How small are they? Like fiat size.

[Amy Alcon]

Well, the Metropolitan's a little bathtub one. I got one of those afterward. I was going to Trinidad Electric, but I forgot that I have no acumen with anything more than a light bulb.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a big payoff. Here, I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scar. Now we're doing 120 as fast as I could go. Big payoff. He was only in second gear. Imagine we got into third gear.

[Allison Rosen]

The twist, gear shifting humor.

[Adam Carolla]

Never at the Nash meetings did that song come up.

[Amy Alcon]

I didn't go to too many. I really was not, evidently. Yeah, until they stole my car and they all helped me.

[Allison Rosen]

They're great, these guys.

[Amy Alcon]

The Rambler Club.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to dress them.

[Amy Alcon]

I'm sure you would.

[Allison Rosen]

Regarding not knowing this song, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel like there's gonna be some guys that don't. I mean, there's a song about your car.

[Amy Alcon]

I bet they all knew, and I did.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably all this time people have been saying to them, beep, beep, and they're like, not knowing what the reference is.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably think it's a Wile E. Coyote thing. That song could have cracked the top 25, I swear to God.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it was on Just the Hits, Volume four, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the Hits. All right, let's. I don't know, should we do some news? Maybe we should just talk to Amy.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe we should. I'm curious about the science part of the science based advice column. Can you explain that?

[Amy Alcon]

Oh, sure. So I was giving free advice in the street corner, knowing nothing, having not even taken psychology in college, and these people started stopping by and asking us about more than nail biting or directions. And so I just read through all of psychology because I feel, you know, there are all these advice columnists who feel like, oh, I'll just give you advice based on my opinion. And I don't really feel that I'm allowed to do that. So I read all these studies and I translate it into what regular people can understand out of the professor. Yeah. And go to science conferences. Evolutionary psychology. And I did that in the book, too. Both Are based in things other than, you know, just finger wagging.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that because it's pretty. I mean, you know, we are animals, and we'll respond to the, you know, the same thing. I always say it's just like, you know, figure out what a hundred polar bears would do, and you kind of figure out what we're going to do. Like, we turned ourselves into individuals and unique little snowflakes. But the reality is, you can study us psychologically just like you can study us physiologically. Everyone's liver sort of in the same place and does about the same thing and their heart and lungs and all that shit. And psychologically, we're not that different. I don't know why we've decided we are.

[Amy Alcon]

Well, it helps you not behave so stupidly if you understand why we behave stupidly. You know, like if you're going through a stop sign, someone goes in front of you and takes. They go out of turn that you want to go follow them, you know, and kill them with a golf club. That this is part of our evolved psychology and how we evolve to live in groups and be cooperative. And we have a very strong bent to go against people who are unfair to us. But if you realize that and it takes, like, two seconds out of your day and that you evolved to be like this because somebody in a loincloth, you know, the leather loincloth, maybe in the desert. Yeah, exactly. That you needed to do that to survive back then. You don't need to do that to survive when you're in your Nissan or whatever it is, you know, two seconds later, it ruins your day.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Adam was talking recently about how being a homeowner turns you into more of an asshole because you're so angry if a dog shits on your lawn or something like that. And I was thinking, because I was just remembering growing up and my dad, like, losing his mind when that would happen, and how there's, like, something in men or in homeowners that, like, I must defend my plot of land. And that must be evolutionary.

[Amy Alcon]

Well, there it is. And I have a solution for that, too, actually. A dog. How to prevent people from letting their dog shit on your lawn. We really do feel this is mine. You don't get to transgress it with the dog shit thing. There's actually this really interesting research about eye spots that people put a picture of eyes versus a picture of flowers over this coffee room. They call it the honesty box, where you're supposed to put money in if you take coffee. And they got like, Three times more donations when there were eyes above it. Even though it's just a picture of eyes, it's not a person. Because we are so concerned with reputation. And so when somebody's watching us, even if it's just picture of eyes, we're motivated to behave better. It's not that we're better people. We just think like, oh, they see me, right?

[Allison Rosen]

That's so interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

So we should have like, on one side of the curtain, it should be floral, but the other side should be big eyes, crying eyes. The street side should be everyone staring at you.

[Amy Alcon]

Put it on your mailbox because you want it right there where they're gonna have the dog do his thing and so that at least they'll go to your neighbor's lawn, but maybe they'll probably pick it up, which is better if they walk Great Danes in your neighborhood and sometimes little teeny dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've always said, and not. Not jokingly, if you basically, if you want to get your house, you know, you don't want to get your house robbed, put like the Dixie flag up somewhere or even like a Don't Tread on me kind of thing. Because people go gun owner versus house with, you know, hey, fireman, here's how many cats I have. You know, kind of thing. Or just a, you know, coexist on the bumper sticker. The Prius, like, I'm I. You park a pick truck with a gun rack and put that Dukes of Hazzard flag on the hood. I'll bet you your likelihood. Because I think they'll just go to the next house. That's what I think. Unless you neighbors will think you're a dick. But your house, your belongings will be.

[Amy Alcon]

Will be intact unless you get the really dumb criminals. And this is what Elmore Leonard, the crime writer, always said, that criminals are dumb. And so that's the problem, that they may not really be. That safety might.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's interesting that criminals are dumb because it's another one of those mastermind things and bond villain things. But the reality is they were shitty students. And if they could be attorneys or doctors, they probably would be. They turn to it out of desperation and out of stupidity, I'm guessing.

[Allison Rosen]

Considering they're dumb, though, then it's sometimes surprising how long it takes for some of them to get caught, because aren't they pretty much doing it just in plain sight?

[Amy Alcon]

Well, that takes us back to the police thing, because, I mean, they really. What they're doing. The police are watering the ficus tree in the police department Lobby. This is their main concern. I mean, really, it's just so amazing. Every crime I've solved, I've solved myself. Hit and run driver. I gave them all the information. The guy's license plate. I had videotape. Not interested. Not interested. I had to track him down myself, too, and then write a note to the prosecutor to get him prosecuted.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's interesting. And, Gary, I need to know where that solved place important, and I need more Beastmaster, Seth. I need to know now. It used to be this, and it's kind of interesting, but there used to be an obligation, which was, if you're going to be a cop, you solve crime. If you're going to be a fireman, you put out fires and so on and so forth. It just kept going. And then it sort of became this thing where you'd have to hassle people. Now it's the point where you have to hassle people to do the job they signed up to do. And there's no competition. There's no, like, well, I'm gonna go to the other police department, and you guys are gonna be out of business, and you're all gonna be out of your jobs. So you realize they can't really be fired. There's no competition. How long before they just sort of turn into, you know, go fucking look for your own car? And that's where we're at now. There used to just be. Well, look, you're a cop. You get paid now do it. But somebody fucking figured out, at least in this town, a few years ago, what the fuck are we doing out there? It's hot out there. You get shot at. Why aren't we f going out there looking for cars? Let's just water the fucking Ficus plant here. This, I believe, overall, is what happens when you remove competition, when there's competition. Now, you can't have this for home security and shit like that, because there are multiple companies that do that. And you go, hey, fuck, you can't have it with pool cleaners. Imagine if the guy, your gardener was like the lapd, like, hey, mow your own lawn mower. We might mow your lawn. Don't expect anything out of us mowing the lawn. I know you gave us a new mower, that's fine, but just. We'll hang back and do it. And if the moon strikes you. Yeah. Has anyone shot at you when you were mowing? Well, then mo. Keep mowing your own lawn. And they just wouldn't do it. Right? But what keeps your gardener in line is if he doesn't show up to mow the lawn for three weeks or he doesn't trim the hedge, or you tell him this or that, take the garbage cans out, and he's not doing it consistently well, guess what? You just go get another guy. But what if you told your gardener, you can never be fired. You're just gonna get paid. You'll get paid the same whether you mow the lawn or don't mow the lawn. How fucking bad would everyone's front yard look in this city? And how fast? How fast would it happen? It'd happen fucking tomorrow. And I wouldn't even blame them because if you told me you never have to do anything and just stay home and get paid, I'd just fucking do it.

[Allison Rosen]

People don't work out of the goodness of their hearts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. By the way, charted at number four.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Top five. I'm gonna pull John Hyatt aside next time we have him in here and explain all the songs that made it higher on the charts than he.

[Brian Bishop]

Just play that song. Ask him what he thinks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. It Sat for 12 weeks on the top 40 chart. Sold over 1 million copies. It got a gold. It was a gold record. All right. Ah, DraftKings. All right, us doing a live show, Flappers burbank, coming up August 19th. So that's right around the corner, Las Vegas, Treasure island. That'll be on the 29th of August. And Ventura county coming up. You go online, find out where we're going to be, find out we're doing the live shows. Find out about the books and the jackets in all that stuff. Amy Alcon, the book, Good manners for nice people who sometimes say fuck Amy, your delight. And I'd invite you back anytime you'd like to return.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast advice Goddess radio. So until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Amy Alcon, Allison Rosen and Bald Brian saying mahalo, Kodo and Podo.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that was Adam Carlos Show 1374. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlos Show 1409. This one's featuring Jay Paterno Foner talking about his dad, along with Allison Rosen and Brian bishop, also from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the bald one, Bald Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Few people wanted that from yesterday when you discovered the. The notion of, of the money ball in the three point contest with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I think we can all agree when we play the Rotten Tomatoes game that hitting it on the. On the head should be good for a nice five point deduction.

[Brian Bishop]

I like that as a nice little twist, a little bonus.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted to bring this up yesterday when my friends and I go play drinking golf. Whoever has the longest drive that's on the fairway, you have to take a.

[Jay Paterno]

Shot before you can.

[Adam Carolla]

A shot of tequila before you can continue to play. It's an equalizer. Just like that. Yeah. It evens. It levels the playing field. Yeah, you're too good. You need to drink more.

[Brian Bishop]

It unlevels the playing field.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like adding tilts. It. Yeah, like sort of adding a little weight to the saddle of a horse. That's a little bit too fast. All right, so wouldn't it actually be.

[Allison Rosen]

Removing the saddle of the horse? Actually, that's a terrible analogy on my part. But what I'm saying is, aren't we giving a bonus to the person who's doing super well with the shot?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Are we on golf or.

[Allison Rosen]

I was talking about Rotten Tomatoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, on Rotten Tomatoes. Yes, we are. We are giving it. Well, what we're saying is, is what you did is so special that you should get.

[Allison Rosen]

You should get an extra.

[Adam Carolla]

You should get extra.

[Brian Bishop]

Alice is trying to make an analogy that combines sports with doing well at the Rotten Tomatoes game. And that is not. That is not your area when you.

[Adam Carolla]

Saddle up onto, like, a Roma tomato. So, anyway, Jay Paterno, who is Joe Paterno's son, is going to call in. He's got a book coming out and many questions to ask. Joe actually drove through. I think August and I were driving. Oh, God. I don't know if we had to drive from Canada to upstate New York or something. I can't remember where the hell we were going. Maybe. Maybe Atlantic City or something like that. We literally just drove, did a lap around the stadium. Penn Valley. Yeah. And as I said, the Nittany Lions, named after the Nittany Mountain Range out there, were always called the Nifty Lions by young Adam Carolla.

[Brian Bishop]

Not nifty.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way. I think one of the few teams that still has nothing on the side of their helmet.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're right. And no names on the back of the jerseys.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

At least they didn't. Oh, did Bill o' Brien change that?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Team sport.

[Allison Rosen]

My favorite part of that story is that you. That as a young kid, you felt like you should get to determine whether they're nifty.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, again, it's like all the lyrics to all the songs you screwed up as a young person, if you just never heard of something, the only thing you could do is Your autocorrect in your head and spell correct it or whatever and just turn it into Nittany meant nothing to me.

[Brian Bishop]

You must have had an affinity for Penn State back in the day because they were linebacker. You and you played linebacker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like. Well, what I like was USC because naturally I got. I played my first four or five. First five years of Pop Warner. I played for the East Valley Trojans. And they just let us have the exact same uniforms and they were exactly the same, so we would go visit us. Cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Crescent stripes, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we had those at the beginning. Now they're throwback, but at the beginning that's what they were. And then they updated to the ones that went around the sleeves. Yep. And that's all we were. So, of course, when you're 7, 8, 9, 10 years old and your team is the East Valley Trojans, then you're a huge USC Trojans fan.

[Brian Bishop]

My first Little League team was the A's in my Little League team, and I was a huge A's fan. Well, they were good. That helped. But that was my first Little League team.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we actually went one time to watch the Trojans practice and watch. I don't know if it's Anthony Davis back then. Oh, boy, it must have been the mid-70s or something. It was pre Ricky Bell. Maybe it's by Anthony Davis. Yeah, they were. That's back when they would just give the Heisman to whoever played running back for the USC Trojans every single year. Just about.

[Brian Bishop]

He did not win, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Anthony Davis didn't win.

[Brian Bishop]

Ricky Bell and Anthony Davis both came in like second or third. And then Charles White won in Marcus Allen.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Wow. Forgot Anthony Davis. God, he was so. He had such a great career for so long over there. I can't believe he didn't win the Heisman. Anyway, anyway, so we'll talk to Jay Paterno about that. I was saying to Matt the Porcelain Punisher Finaleer as I was skipping my rope in the back of the warehouse and having him take a note. He was walking around very casually, as my daughter does in front of my black jump rope. That's basically a whip.

[Brian Bishop]

Speeds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Travels very quickly. And it's stings when it hits you. I know, because I up on it enough and had it kind of bite me in the ass, literally. But he's being very casual about my jump rope as he was walking to his office and going past it. And you can't.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a thrill seeker.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't see it. All the folks in his Tribe are. Well, he said this about Jews. They're thrill eaters. They'll eat fucking tongue and goose liver and weird gizzard and shit. Like, yeah, cold, gelatinous fish and all that kind of stuff. They're stunt eaters. Then I do believe the guys who actually do the BMX stunts and actually flip the motorcycles ramp to ramp, those guys only eat corn dogs and grilled cheese sandwiches. They have no stunt in their eating. The Jews have all stunt in the eating. No stunt in the actual life.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't earn enough respect.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it is a weird thing that they're incredibly adventurous when it comes to eating. And like I said, eating. I'll give you, for instance, yes, cold, gelatinous fish. Gefilte fish is fucking. It's like you're being punished. Like someone is punishing your mouth. But stuff like chicken liver omelet. Are we out of Denver omelets? Are we out of three cheese omelets? Only a Jew could eat a chicken liver omelet. They fucking love liver. It's a horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

My dad would make chicken liver salad, which was like egg salad, but with liver. Yeah, it doesn't smell good. There's egg in there, too.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm saying, but, boy, oh, that's all good. Then when he got on his BMX.

[Allison Rosen]

Bike, super conservative, two helmets and training wheels.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Speaking of that, just took the training wheels off the kid's bike. You want to talk about one of those, like, super symbolic kiddie kind of moments, you know, holding him by the backseat? Every bank of America commercial had those, like, growing up, you've bought your first house. You know that scene I was living that scene where you're holding the back of the seat and running. Nothing worse for your lower back, by the way, than running. Like, you're sort of half trying to hold your kid up, half trying to suck yourself off and run and just running that half hunched over position while the daughter's, you know, and, like, yelling at you. You know, I can't stand just getting that thing. They're really. You don't experience this in your adult life anymore. There are things you do and there are things you don't do, and then there's shit you're kind of interested in, but you very slowly kind of, oh, I want to go. I want to learn to surf. So it's like this long thing, and after a couple of years, you got the long board, and you still don't look that good. Natalia is going from pedaling and crying and yelling, don't let go to me looking out of the window 45 minutes later and her doing like figure eights and screaming and laughing. You know, you don't have that fucking learning curve, learning curve, learning curve anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

I also imagine just the. It'll be interesting petri dish experiment, the two of them getting their wheels off at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

She is. She took to it much, much more quickly. What she's got much more balance than he does. And I had a very interesting thing, and stop me if I brought it up, but I said, what side do you turn to? What side do you like turning to? There's a side which is easier to turn to. When you first start on a bicycle, turning left is more difficult than turning right. And you'll know it by. When you go out onto the patio, do you go clockwise or you go counterclockwise? The way you go is the way you want to go, the way your brain wants to go. I was asking her because I was curious because I'm left handed, but when I ride my unicycle, I do not like turning left. It does not come as fluidly at all. As a matter of fact, it is much less fluid. The turning right is a very fluid motion. Turning left takes a little work and a sort of. A sort of movement.

[Brian Bishop]

I read the scouting report on. You can't go to his left.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't go to my left. And that's why the whole Dance with the Stars thing was a little freaky for me, because the whole thing was one big, long left turn in front of 20 million people, which I didn't like. I had to kind of come out from the wings and, like, go over some cables and things like that, and then like, go up onto the parquet and then go left and go straight, go left, go straight again for a while and then go left and then another left and then I could turn. But it was all one big, long bunch of left turns. And my brain wants to go right. Right. So I was interested to see, and you guys should know this too, when you get on two wheels, it's a little less prevalent. The one wheel, the unicycle, it's really.

[Allison Rosen]

Prevalent because it's still easier for me to go left than right. And I'm right handed. I don't know if that's expected.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It's interesting how it works. When I drive the race car, I like turning the car to the right better than I like turning the car to the left.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say, I think the real world application for everyone else is parking in a parking lot. If there's two spots, right and left, which one are you gonna go for?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and I don't know if it's that. If it's a hemisphere thing, whether it's. So people that are left handed, like, turn to the right, and people are right handed, like, turn to the left. You guys tell me then. Cause I know I'm left handed, but I like turning right. But I'm also kind of right footed, so I'm a little ambidextrous. And things are a little off for lefties because you have to be a little ambidextrous. But tell me.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll take the parking spot on the right. Given the two choices between left and right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're right handed.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right handed.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm right handed. The parking one, I'm having trouble figuring out because in a car, you're on the left side.

[Adam Carolla]

Close your eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Are we going on a guided journey?

[Brian Bishop]

You're at the Whole Foods looking for.

[Allison Rosen]

It's weird that I'm driving without my pants on, but I guess it helps me feel the car better.

[Adam Carolla]

If you can get over driving the car with your eyes closed, you can get over anything. Okay, pants off, eyes closed. You're coming into that parking lot, going straight.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to take the one on the right, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're right handed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you want to turn to the right.

[Allison Rosen]

But on a bike, I want to turn to the left.

[Adam Carolla]

You're riding your bike to the market with your pants off and your eyes closed. What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like. For me.

[Adam Carolla]

How hot is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm stuck to the seat. It's inside me. For me, the car is an anomaly. It just is. But in what you're talking about the bike thing that I know very well. Left is easy. Right is very treacherous for me.

[Adam Carolla]

So you do want to turn your car to the right, but that's probably because you're seated on the left.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I think it has to do with that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so now back to you, Brian. You're naked.

[Brian Bishop]

Am I on Allison's car or mine?

[Adam Carolla]

You've got a kickstand up your ass.

[Brian Bishop]

What am I doing with Allison's car?

[Adam Carolla]

You're riding a bicycle. And now the same parking lot thing goes with the bicycle.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there a seat or no?

[Adam Carolla]

There is a seat.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. Yeah, I think turning left is easier.

[Adam Carolla]

So you guys going left on the bicycle, right in the car.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder why that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm all fucked up. I know, Matt, you're taking it up the ass in prison.

[Brian Bishop]

Not cool, man.

[Allison Rosen]

And you lose your balance, do you put your right foot out or your left foot out?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. Left foot. I suppose I would always tell this, though. When I taught boxing, I would swear to God, it was weird. I'd go, what's your strong hand to punch with? Like, as far as I was dealing with some 25 year old chick, I go like, what's your punching hand? And she'd always go like, I don't know. And I'd go, if I just stomped on your foot right now, which hand would you hit me with? And they always knew the answer to that. And I'd go, that's your hand. That's the one to put back. All right. Either way, I had the training wheels off and was doing that moment where I was running along and getting her to turn and brake and brake and turn, and then she was zipping around. And then later on, we were powering our way through the church parking lot and she was just fucking thrilled about riding that bike up. Ah, bike on now. Anyway, the rope. What was I talking about?

[Brian Bishop]

You almost killed Matt with the rope.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. I said he was a thrill seeker.

[Adam Carolla]

Very casual around my rope. It's black. It's moving at breakneck speed. Well, it's black, can barely be seen. That's right. And super slow crossing the street, but. And it's going around and he's just kind of walking past, and I'm like, you're gonna get smacked with this thing. That's. That's how Natalia is kind of casual with it where Sonny doesn't, you know, he's very protective. And I said, matt, I said, this jump rope, it can be your best friend. Then I paused, and then he said, or your worst enemy. And I said, no. Or someone you've never met. Because statistically, if you just took the world and broke it off, you would have your best friends. And then by an overwhelming statistical margin, other people you just never knew or met or had no acquaintance with.

[Brian Bishop]

The percentage of people you know and are friends would be almost statistically insignificant.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Almost zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And worst enemies.

[Allison Rosen]

And the chances of it being your worst enemy is very, very tiny.

[Adam Carolla]

So it really should be this thing, whether it's a buck knife, a jump rope, or, you know, automobile or whatever it is, should be your best friend. Total stranger. That's the way the saying should be. So I'd like to just go ahead and update that if we could. All right, Jay, Paterno is coming on line one. Let's talk a little football. As long as Jay's coming on. Fantasy football is [e-mail] they ain't messing around. America's favorite one week fantasy football site. You could win enormous cash prizes every week. Bald. How you hanging man?

[Brian Bishop]

Good. I drafted my team this morning and I will be entering contest today. I like it during the Thursday contest because they start when some people are at work. So it's not always as many people involved. But some people like Sunday, some people like Thursdays. It's all up to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Some people like your wife get free entry into the Millionaire Maker event. First place takes home a million bucks. Go to DraftKings.com now enter the promo code Adam. Play free to become a millionaire. That's DraftKings.com Dawson DraftKings.com Bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires. Use promo code Adam and you'll get free entry into the week1.5 million dollar kickoff bash. Enter Adam now for free [e-mail] draftkings.com Jay Paterno.

[Jay Paterno]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to speak to you, Jay.

[Jay Paterno]

Good talking to you.

[Adam Carolla]

So Jay, where are you calling from?

[Jay Paterno]

I'm in State College right now.

[Adam Carolla]

And what is your position there as we speak?

[Jay Paterno]

Well, often right now so I just did the and I used Thai coach in Penn State for 17 years. But I just wrote the book and that's taking up all my time right now as you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Paterno. The book is called Paterno Legacy. It's available available on Amazon.com you can click through our website if you want to show us a little love. Jay, what would you like us to know most in this book? What's the important some of the important things you're trying to get across?

[Jay Paterno]

Well, I think the important thing is I want people to move beyond what they think they know about my father from the last three months of his life and see the grand scope of all the things he did over the course of his life and all the lessons he left to me personally to a lot of his former players. And I think those are things that will come through as people read the.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think you think as I sort of think that your dad who was the winningest coach in football right till they stripped some wins away from him.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Which I don't understand the part where they strip their way to strip away 12 years worth of wins. So I mean you go from number one to number 11 or 12 or something like that. That hardly seems fair. Magical Your dad, I mean, obviously was very tragic, what happened with your dad, because Joe Paterno is one of the most respected names in sports, not just in football or maybe just in America, I think. How many years coaching at Penn State?

[Jay Paterno]

40. Well, as assistant coach and head coach? 61. So 45 is the head head coach. So, you know, it's pretty hard to fake people out for 61 years the same place. So obviously he was the real deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he gets caught up in this Sandusky scandal and he gets thrown under the bus and then basically dies just a short period of time after that. I mean, it was just sort of insanely tragic from a timing standpoint. But what would you say about that? What would you say about the Sandusky thing as it pertains to your dad?

[Jay Paterno]

Well, I mean, there are a lot of people that have said your dad had to know you guys, or he covered it up, because there's been a lot of assertions put out there and a lot of allegations made. The truth of the matter is the prosecutors who investigated this entire case had all the evidence in front of them, came back and said Joe was forthcoming, he was cooperating. You know, he was honest, and he was in no way involved in an attempt to cover up or conceal. He reported it exactly as he was supposed to by the law. He followed, followed state law and university protocol. And, you know, so here's a guy that didn't witness crime, didn't commit a crime, but he's vilified by people without all the information. So, you know, that part of it is tough to swallow. And that's why. Why we continue to kind of soldier on, to make sure that story gets out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, do you feel like in a way, right now there's this Ray Rice, Roger Goodell thing going on? There's a part of me that wants to tell people all the time, whether it's Roger Goodell or Joe Paterno, let's first off, let's focus on the guy who committed the crime and stop focusing quite so much on the people that were somewhere in the vicinity or polluting their planet. I mean, let's not forget there is somebody who either punches women or molests children that we really need to focus our ire on. And we're doing this thing where we always go around and go, you should have known or you should have done something. But let's not forget about the person that was doing the horrific crime in the first place.

[Jay Paterno]

Oh, absolutely. I think there's no question is, you know, the media finds the highest lightning rod. And probably you look at the Goodell thing. Ray Rice getting cut from the Ravens probably was bad for him, because all of a sudden, okay, well, Ray Rice is off the scene. Who do we go get next? Adele's the next guy. And we don't know if he. I mean, the way it's purported, it's reported that he saw. You know, it was reported yesterday. He saw the tape. We don't know that he saw the tape. We don't even have proof that the tape was ever in the NFL's offices. But that doesn't keep people from trying to make that connection. And it was the same thing with my dad. I mean, I. And it's just these things that get repeated over and over enough on social media, take on the aura of truth, and then people's opinions harden, and then somebody has to pay. And, you know, the guy who committed the crimes here is in jail, and, you know, a guy who reported them got fired. And Goodell's in the same situation where, you know, Ray Rice is the guy in the elevator doing what everybody saw him do. Goodell wasn't in. You know, I think it was Atlantic City. You know, Goodell had nothing to do with it. And maybe he didn't punish Ray Rice the way people want him to. That's not a crime, and certainly shouldn't get fired for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is an interesting point that you bring up, which is if your punishment comes down very swiftly against the one guy, the media's not done. So if you go, fine, this guy's cut. He's out of the league. He's not in the Ravens anymore. Then the media goes, hold on, we're not done. And you go, well, sure, you're done. Ray Rice is out of the league. And they go, no, no, no, we got another couple weeks on this one. And you go, well, go look at Ray Rice. And they go, no, he's cut. Now, who else can we focus in on? And that's what they do. If you're smart about it. In a weird way, if you're Roger Goodell, you go, I'm still thinking about what I want to do with. Come on, isis, plan a terrorist attack. While I'm thinking about this, let's get something else going in the news while I'm waffling on this, because that. We would still just be talking about Ray Rice now. It's all shifted because he got, boom, justice. So what was it like for you growing up there in Happy Valley? I mean, that had to be insane. Your Dad's Joe Paterno.

[Jay Paterno]

Well, it was good and bad. I mean, there wasn't much you could get away with. Let's put it that way. You know, it's. You know, when I was in college, you know, I didn't drink those 21 because I was scared to death somebody would tell. You know, once it hit 21, I did partake. But, you know, it was one of those things that just. It was good and it's bad. You know, a lot of good things happen for you, and then there's some things that come along where, you know, your father's not around on a lot of things. A lot of holidays or things like that, or.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. He's winning bowl games.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah. I mean, you go to Disneyland and people grab at them at a line to get the picture taken with him, and he ends up leaving because, you know, it takes you a month to get from the Matterhorn to the next ride and because you're stopping every 30ft. So, yeah, it's good and it's bad, but, you know, that's the way anything in life is.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you feel. I never really thought about this. Did you feel like you had to share your dad with everybody else? Like, not only here he is coaching a bunch of young men who look at him like a father, but then he's everyone's kind of dad. He's the most famous coach in college football for the last 25 years of his career. Practically.

[Brian Bishop]

Any more than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, I was thinking when there was the Bear Bryants and some of those other guys that were out there, but. Yeah, I mean, such a fixture. I mean, in terms of coaches, recognizable immediately.

[Brian Bishop]

Iconic.

[Adam Carolla]

More so than many more. The more famous players, even. So was it weird, like, sort of having a shared ad?

[Jay Paterno]

Well, not really, because we really didn't know any different, you know, so it was just. We just thought that's how it was, and we didn't know any different. So we didn't know. But it's funny, you know, you mentioned about him. These are recognizable. You know, he's had the same, you know, big nose. And he's going to kill me for saying this, but he had a big nose. He had dark glasses. He was very recognizable.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't change his frames for, like, 71 years.

[Jay Paterno]

Absolutely. And they were very thick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Paterno]

They were like quadzilla focal, not trifocals or bifocals. But, you know, he had the same look for so many years that he was. He was very, very recognizable. And, you know, when I was really young. I just thought he knew people everywhere and had good friends everywhere. Everywhere. And my dad can't go anywhere now.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad. How old are you now, jay?

[Jay Paterno]

I am 45.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is all you've ever known. Your dad was head coach when you were born, right?

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, absolutely. I was. I was born two years after he became head coach, so I didn't know any differently.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is not television.

[Jay Paterno]

Television really changed it. And, you know, ESPN changed it. You know, my mom and dad were in Hawaii on a vacation and some Japanese tourists stopped them because they had ESPN and they watched Penn State football games. And, you know, my dad's like, Japan. I'm like, dad, ESPN is worldwide. That's just the way it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, also, too. And I'm trying to think, you know, if you're Terry Donahue out here at Westwood or your. What's his name over at the U.S. john McKay.

[Brian Bishop]

John Robinson.

[Adam Carolla]

Robinson. McKay. Whoever. All right. Whoever. Los Angeles, pretty big town. And, you know, George Clooney lives here, too, so they might have that bigger fish to fry, so to speak, but adjust your starstruck level in your community. Your dad was by far the biggest celebrity in that community your entire life, right?

[Jay Paterno]

Oh, well, no, you know, no question. I mean, it's just he was. And in State College, you know, we're a college town, and football was kind of, you know, that was the big show in town, you know, and he was head coach for 40 something years. So obviously he became very recognizable.

[Adam Carolla]

But I saw all the right moves. I know how George Clooney.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, Imagine George Clooney. My dad. Dad used to joke, he said, you know, the only reason any of us are married or have girlfriends is because George Clooney hasn't found them yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe. Pa was talking about Joe Clue.

[Brian Bishop]

Joe Clue.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Clue.

[Jay Paterno]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The book Paterno Legacy, right? Yes, yes. Available on Amazon. A website is votejpaterno.com and go there and purchase the book and find out the truth about Joe Pa. Thank you so much, Jay.

[Jay Paterno]

Hey, Adam, thank you. It's been a thrill. I've watched you since the days on the man show, and my wife used to come down and say, what the hell are you watching? I said, the greatest show on television. So thanks for having me on. I really appreciate it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Yeah, real. Such a weird turn of events for Joe Paterno. I mean, you could not. There are a lot of guys who won at that level, but they didn't have the reputation that he had.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no, he was beyond Reproach. I mean, you know, in his later years, he was.

[Adam Carolla]

He embodied, like. It wasn't like, oh, he just. He won a of. Lot of games. There were a lot of guys that, you know, out of Florida State and stuff who won a lot of games, but they weren't really.

[Allison Rosen]

He was iconic.

[Adam Carolla]

He was iconic, but he was iconic because this is how you want your kids to turn out. You know, hard work, intestinal fortitude, like a good, strong moral constitution, everything. He's the most respected. I mean, I would say that Joe Paterno would have been in the top 10 of just most respected Americans.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, for sure is.

[Adam Carolla]

If you just said, like, you know, I agree with that. If you just put. Made a list of, like, respected Americans, Joe Paterno, they would have checked that box. He would have made top 10. And then it's like this Sandusky thing comes out, and then Paterno gets thrown on the bus, and then he dies. Oh, they strip him of a bunch of wins, and then he dies.

[Brian Bishop]

It felt like it happened right away, like, back to back. It was just so swift.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the weirdest turn of events. Like, it's like if somebody said, oh, the first 84 years of your life are going to be the greatest ever, and then those will be the last nine months, and then you die. It's just an insane turn of events. And unfortunately, the way people's memory works is it'll just be like, oh, yeah, Joe Paterno was in on that whole molestation thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. His name will always be associated. Hey, let me ask you a question. Hypothetically, would you take that deal. 84 years or so of. Of legendary status, but the last nine months of your life? Nightmare.

[Adam Carolla]

I think most people. I think most people take the. Just get to 84.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a decent point bet.

[Allison Rosen]

And then here, he couldn't enjoy Disneyland.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Took him two days to get to the Matterhorn. Took him longer to get to the one that was made out of fiberglass than did the actual Matterhorn. Matterhorn in Switzerland. I feel like the Matterhorn doesn't get its.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it in Switzerland?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so. It gets no love anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

As a ride or as a mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

As a mountain.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. It's never mentioned it's the Disneyland one.

[Adam Carolla]

But the real Matterhorn, it's like, hey.

[Allison Rosen]

What am I over here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, chop liver that Allison's dad is putting in an omelet. Kim 32, Portland.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah. Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Mm.

[Jay Paterno]

I'm walking out of my work Building away from ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. I like that. Why? What might those ears hear?

[Jay Paterno]

I have a huge crush on one of my co workers, and I just started working my position here, and I am not good at making first moves, and I don't know how to do that. And I don't know how to gauge whether he even is interested in me. So. Calling to get advice?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, it's. You know, hold on a second. You know what's sad and weird? But every guy I think thinks about this. When a guy calls in and says, I work with a girl, she's single, I'm single, I'm new, but I don't know if she's interested at all. We go, I don't know, does she. Is she. Does she laugh, like, when you tell her stories and stuff? Or, like, does she ever, like, rub up against you, like if you're walking past her in the kitchen or something? Like, is it when it's the other way? Well, not rub against you, but, like, as you're walking into creative physical contact? Or do that thing where, like, when they laugh, they'll put their hand on your arm and go like, oh, it's so funny. So just making little excuses to touch.

[Brian Bishop]

She grinds on me in the break room.

[Adam Carolla]

For guys, when a girl calls and says, I don't know if he's interested, all we want to say is, send us a picture of yourself and we'll tell you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'll give you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you a super definitive answer.

[Allison Rosen]

Funny. That was not what was in my head. I just wanted to know how he acts around her.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so fucking sad. But if she sends a picture of Sofia Vergara, we go, oh, yeah, he's in, he's in.

[Brian Bishop]

Go ahead and ask him out with impunity.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's the. It's the sad. It's the way or for good or for bad, that's the way we're structured now. The reality is she probably doesn't look like that, and she's probably somewhere in between something. But we're all thinking as guys, send us a nice color glossy of yourself in a one piece, and then we will tell you whether he's interested or not.

[Allison Rosen]

And that never enters into your mind at all when it's a guy calling. Because that would enter into my mind a little bit. You can't really tell things like how creepy someone is from a photo.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Creepy doesn't enter into Our lexicon here, but. Well, the guy. We're just assuming like we're assuming. Look, you're not morbidly obese or, you know, horrible skin or something. You're just sort of a regular Joe, average girl. We'll try to figure it out. The girl. I just. All we want to do is see a quick picture, right? And we'll tell you.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's ask Kim.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Kim.

[Jay Paterno]

Yes?

[Adam Carolla]

Can you send us a picture of Sofia Vergara? Is that what you wanted?

[Allison Rosen]

You said, let's ask her for a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Kim, what do you look like? We'll tell you whether he's interested.

[Jay Paterno]

Oh, my God. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

That's sad.

[Jay Paterno]

But, yes, this is what it boils down to. Okay, wait. I'm pretty sure he's interested.

[Adam Carolla]

You can also send a picture of him, too. If this is a total mess, then we can work some of that math.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, she just said she's pretty sure he's interested, so let's hear about that.

[Jay Paterno]

Okay, so I know he's interested. I just don't know how to put it together. And I'm still on probation at work, so I don't even know if I should be doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Huffing copier toners. Not to be taken lightly.

[Brian Bishop]

How long you been there?

[Allison Rosen]

But also, what do you look like, five months?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now, wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

You're on probation already?

[Jay Paterno]

And on top of that, what was that?

[Brian Bishop]

You're on probation already?

[Jay Paterno]

No, I'm on a probationary period because it's a new position.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought you did something in those five months.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got to arrange those words a little bit. Bit. A little bit more carefully.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, I went to probationary period, so this is a new job for me. And this guy is very professional, so I know that he's not gonna. He's not gonna do anything. Please.

[Adam Carolla]

Very professional.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, what kind of. What line of business is this? Do we find out?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, everybody, we got Kim over here. She's on probation. She's also on a brass pole. Jake, stage four. Stage four, Jake. What's that?

[Jay Paterno]

Social work. I am a social worker, and he heads up a kitchen.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I didn't see that twist.

[Adam Carolla]

They serve soup there? What?

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, we do. We work with seniors. And so they have a senior cafeteria, so he manages that. And then we do casework for the seniors.

[Allison Rosen]

He's interested. Think about what kind of people he deals with all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't figure out if cooking for seniors is good or the never ending ball of complaint.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of soup.

[Adam Carolla]

The soup's dry. Really, Grandpa? It's dry, I tell you, but it's soup.

[Jay Paterno]

There's lots of that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. He's interested. And as far as professional goes, all that goes out the window for guys once they get a little. Little tumescence downstairs. And you know he likes you how?

[Jay Paterno]

Because he flirts with me. He brushes against me. You know, he'll just get extra clothes when there's no reason to.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

If I may offer some real advice. You're five months in. Give it a couple of months so you get past your probationary period. The couple of months will only help with the flirtation and the anticipation.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what the fuck with the probation in adults, though? I mean, you're not allowed to date somebody. Like, who gives a fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

It sounds like it's a city position.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I say. Super simple, Easiest one in the world. You just bring up a movie that's coming out that if he likes you, he'll say he wants to see it. If he does not like you, super simple. You pick up. There's a new restaurant, a new movie, a something that is out, whatever it is.

[Brian Bishop]

A new soup in the buffet, a new ladle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Ladle store. That's right. Ladles and such has opened a new location in the mall.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you seen their skimmers?

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the deal. All you do. New barbecue joint opens up, and all you do is go, have you ate at Dr. Hoggly Woggly's over there.

[Jay Paterno]

There.

[Adam Carolla]

And if he goes, if he likes you, he will go, no, but I've heard good things and I'm kind of. I'm looking. I've been wanting to. Or have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? No, but I've been wanting to. When they're not interested, they go, no, and I don't want to, or no.

[Allison Rosen]

And my girlfriend and I are going to go see it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Or already saw it with my girlfriend and ladle. So. But when they're interested, they go, no. Haven't seen that. Haven't been to that restaurant. Haven't tried that. Haven't seen that. And then it's a very simple thing where that's the point when you both know you're asking each other out on a date, essentially, Then there's that weird part, and you just go, I'm planning on going this weekend. Would you like to join me? And then they go, oh, okay. And that's how it works. And he doesn't give a fuck about the probationary period. Fuck the man, just keep it on the down.

[Allison Rosen]

She means the man, not the guy you like. But that too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Any new restaurants? Any new things? You know, especially you're calling from Portland. So it could be some new micro brew pub or something that everyone's buzzing about or something local. Just something to check out together. Can you think of one in particular?

[Jay Paterno]

No. Well, I know there's some concerts in town, so I mean, that's more of my interest in eating out somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Guar's at the Palladium. All right. That guy died?

[Brian Bishop]

No, that was someone from Guar died.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway. Well, all right. Concert's a little.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's a benefit show.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that's a little bit tougher about concerts is there can't be a oh, I've been wanting to for a while because they blow in and they blow out kind of thing. But the movie, the thing. All right, but pick a concert. What do you think?

[Jay Paterno]

Oh, Linkin park is supposed to be in town.

[Adam Carolla]

Linkin Park Sexy is in town.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah. I don't even know if he likes that type of music. I'm assuming he does because he likes Stone Temple Pilots.

[Adam Carolla]

No. All right, well, if he likes stp, he's gonna like Linkin Park. All right. Lincoln Park's in town. All right.

[Jay Paterno]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, ask him. Ask him if Lincoln park once. Lincoln park coming into town.

[Jay Paterno]

Lincoln. Wait, I'm asking him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you're asking him. No. No, you're telling. No, I'm asking you. When's Lincoln park coming to town?

[Jay Paterno]

In a couple of days.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, perfect. Let's go for that. Can you get tickets? That.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, I already have tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Well, there you go. Now you're done. Okay, here's the deal. Somebody dropped out. Your friend dropped out.

[Jay Paterno]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You got Lincoln park tickets. You're stuck with a ticket.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, perfect. Casual.

[Adam Carolla]

Next thing you know, you're on his shoulders with your top pulled over your head. It's gonna be awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

You're on his shoulders and not facing the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Top pulled overhead. All right. Alright. Line three. Steve wants to know. Let's see. Steve.

[Jay Paterno]

Hey, what's up, Val?

[Adam Carolla]

Indiana. What's going on?

[Jay Paterno]

Not much, I just shopping to get some stuff for dinner tonight. I kind of thought I'd never heard you talk about candy. So like, if you're at like a grocery store and you got the candy sitting there on the side, what's the first thing you grab for?

[Adam Carolla]

I think for me, the best and the Thing about candy is the variety. It's mixing it up. But the Reese's Peanut Butter cup to me is if you're just going to grab one and that'll be it, I don't see how you do much better than that. Solid choice for me. Yeah. Getting the thumbs up from Ax Pada back there, too. It's peanut butter. It's chocolate. It's hard. Hard to. You know, Snickers bar is a good, solid, solid choice. Then after that, you just sort of mix it up. But to me, if you're just grabbing one thing. Thing. I guess if you're going out trick or treating and they say you can only go to one house, which would be a very cruel joke. Or it would just mean your kids were super busy, but you're going to only go to one house. And that one house had this. A Mounds bar, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I think Reese's is the house I would go to. I'd go visit the Reese family. Yeah. Go see Witherspoon.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I'd go. If we're talking small, and I know he's not asking ours, but we're gonna weigh in. We're talking small Halloween candies. I think I'd reach for the Butterfinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'd say favorite candy. Just. Favorite candy. Just number one Butterfinger.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I can't commit in that way. I can't. It would actually be Scotch kisses from See's candy. Those are my favorite. But if it's grocery store Butterfinger or something ridiculous, like a nerd's rope.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the Butterfinger as well, but it's. You have to pick it out of your teeth. Teeth later on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's just a really long snack.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really good for days. No, it's true. I was thinking about that because you know what I love? I love that it's like a shale deposit in there. And that part, as you bite into it, so one part sort of slides across the other.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a granite quartz.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Texture wise, it's fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm down with that.

[Brian Bishop]

I have an out of left field. My two favorite are Heath bars. I love Davi.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Heath's good.

[Brian Bishop]

And Charleston Ch. Tarleton Chew doesn't get enough.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even know what that is. I mean, I know what it is, but what does it taste like?

[Brian Bishop]

Covered nougat.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like nougat has gotten a free ride in this country.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, that's good. And then there used to be something called a marathon Bar.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't know. Marathon bars.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll show you a picture of one. It is the. It's the toffee or it's the. It's caramel with the chocolate on it. And it's sort of rubber rope, sort of intertwined. What do you got, Steve?

[Jay Paterno]

I gotta say, my favorite's gotta be the peanut M and Ms. I'll see all the action going on.

[Adam Carolla]

I love peanut M&M's too. Nothing wrong with it. But not at the top of the list.

[Brian Bishop]

The hell is that?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that looks fun. This Marathon bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Never saw a Marathon Bar.

[Brian Bishop]

Never seen a Marathon Bar.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole commercial is 15 cents, so.

[Brian Bishop]

It must be old.

[Adam Carolla]

The Marathon bar was. Was. You just never stop. It just keeps going and going and going.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like Butterfinger in my teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

I like a. You know what I like every once in a while too, by the way? My fish and chips of candy bars. The one that I like a lot, but I never get it. Three Musketeers.

[Allison Rosen]

I was just gonna say, if I'm ranking the bars, I would go Three Musketeers, then Milky Way, then Snickers. Snickers is very low on my list. I. I think it's all the peanuts.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the Snickers, but the three Musketeers I never get. And yet it's like I said, I eat a thousand turkey sandwiches for every one egg salad. Even though I think I like egg salad sandwiches better. And I feel the same way almost about three Musketeers. And then there used to be. Well, find an old Marathon commercial. We'll find it.

[Brian Bishop]

You guys have a. Nominated for worst. Well, most overrated or worse, least favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to not like coconut, so I didn't like the mounds and whatever. Now this a marathon. All right. Looks like a different Marathon is marvelous.

[Allison Rosen]

You can eat it in the street.

[Adam Carolla]

At home, in the office, anywhere. You can eat it anywhere.

[Jay Paterno]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Whereas most candy bars, you have to go to a special dormitory and it sit quietly with your face against the wall in order. You know what it's like when you try to eat candy bar. It's convenient.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But here's one that you can eat anywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

It's wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on. Are you claiming you could eat this in your house or the park?

[Brian Bishop]

I guess in the cunning, even.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Okay. No wonder they're out of business. Sitting or standing, it's satisfying.

[Allison Rosen]

Marathon is marvellous. You can eat it in the street.

[Jay Paterno]

At home, in York, office, anywhere. When I'm really hungry.

[Adam Carolla]

Mat is just right. It's absolutely perfect. Feels the old tum, you know. Hold on a second.

[Brian Bishop]

No, is that.

[Adam Carolla]

You're showing. No, you're showing the wrong. You're showing the English, British version. You're throwing a Snickers commercial out of Hounslow from 1986, you imbeciles. Find me a marathon bar commercial.

[Allison Rosen]

I forgot that that's how Snickers, at least, but maybe more candy bars were marketed as basically an energy bar protein bar before they had those to tide you over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and that's, I think, how the M and Ms. Came around. I think the melt in your. Right. The GIs and all that stuff. All right, we'll find that. We'll get back to you on that. Mike 37, Kevin, Iowa.

[Jay Paterno]

Get it on, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on, man. What's going on?

[Jay Paterno]

Oh, you know, I love the show. I find myself agreeing with you like 99% of the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Paterno]

Either I call and get either just a pep talk or if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Jay Paterno]

You know, long story short, been divorced for nine years and for the last five, five and a half. Half just been a constant battle mainly over, you know, seeing my kids. You know, we have three children. Haven't seen. Haven't been able to see my kids. I haven't seen them since July 4th of 2009. Call every night. She's remarried. She lives about three and a half hours away. Call every night. Because I only have her cell phone for five years now. It goes straight to voice and hold on a second.

[Adam Carolla]

What are the pre existing conditions? You know, did you bang her sister and then got divorced? You know, what, what is she hanging on to in the anger department with you?

[Jay Paterno]

You know, that's a good question. I've been very honest. You know, 10 years ago, I probably wasn't the greatest husband in the sense that I worked a lot. And when I come home, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I like the worked a lot because, you know, if the ass the acts worked, brought home too much money and worked too hard, caused it to crumble. Not going to crack the top 25 of beefs with the ladies. Well, it worked a lot. He was a super hard working guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Our relationships are suffocated under the pile of money.

[Allison Rosen]

He was too responsible. Couldn't cut loose and have fun.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how when someone is super career oriented, how devastating it can be. Yeah. You worked.

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, you know, worked and then all my free time I was, you know, focused more on spending time with the kids and just, you know, we didn't do a whole lot of stuff with couples and just kind of drifted apart.

[Adam Carolla]

So you worked too much. You're too good a provider and too good a father. That's her beef with you.

[Jay Paterno]

You know, that really came down to it. You know, she found someone who gave her more attention.

[Allison Rosen]

He hasn't seen the kids since 2009.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, first thing we need to do is get a little more realistic about. I'm not calling you a liar, but what I'm saying is, what would she say? And that's what we need to get to the bottom of. Because all we really need to know is if I pulled her aside right now and said, what's up with Mike? Without first, she'd be wildly confused. And then after that, eventually she would start telling me things that maybe you're not not telling me right now. What might she say? And I don't think she was working really hard and spending a ton of time with the kids would be at the top of her list.

[Jay Paterno]

She would say that, you know, I wasn't as fun or did stuff with her as we did right after college and the first few years of our marriage. And, you know, it really came down to she found someone who was willing to give her that attention and left. Left me for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Why then all the vitriol for you and keeping the kids away? And doesn't she know it's unhealthy for the kids not to spend time with dad? And there's. I feel like there's pieces of this puzzle that we're not hearing about.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you legally have a right to see the kids?

[Jay Paterno]

You know, we do have a decree, but especially in our state, it's very difficult to enforce when you don't live in the same school district. And like I said, she's since remarried and moved, you know, three and a half hours away. No, it's been difficult for the family. I mean, my folks haven't seen the kids for a few years now. My sister hasn't had contact with them.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Mike, here's what I. You know what? I'll tell you what I would do if I were you. I would find somebody who I respect. Friend, male, female, what have you. Maybe someone. Someone who's professional. Maybe a counselor, maybe an attorney, maybe a teacher, something of that nature. Not a guy who drives a backhoe. Find somebody who you really sort of respect. And I would probably say a female that you really respect. Like if you knew a female who, like I said, was a teacher, a counselor, something of that nature. And you sat down with her one evening and he said, I want to craft a letter. And I want to craft the kind of letter that you would want to hear as a woman if this was the position you were in. I don't want it to kind of come from my standpoint where I have a lot of anger and resentment and things that are built up. There's going to be little snarky things that you would slide in to your letter that are going to turn her off and go, oh, you see, this is my.

[Allison Rosen]

He hasn't changed.

[Adam Carolla]

He hasn't changed. But take someone and go. I really like the kind of letter that you'd go. As a woman, you'd want to get. And you'd go, you know what? Those kids do deserve to spend time with their grandparents and their biological father and so on and so forth. Find that person who you trust and you respect and sit down and craft that. That letter and get it to her. If you pick up the phone, it'll start nice and then it'll revert into some sort of name calling thing. It'll be a mess. And if you sit down alone and start writing it, it's not going to come. There's too much history, too much sewage under the bridge with you two. Find that woman. Do you have a woman you're thinking of?

[Jay Paterno]

Yeah, I've got plenty of friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a girl that you can think of? For me, it'd be Matt Fonda. Do you have a girl that you can think of? Where you go, this person is a smart person, but a sensitive person. And we really could craft and shape this letter.

[Jay Paterno]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Is her name Shelly?

[Jay Paterno]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up? I'm normally right.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he must be lying.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there anyone named Shelly you could work with? All right, you do know this person. You do know this person. Okay, sit down with the. Ask this person. This person will be flattered that you ask them. Ask them to sit down. Craft this letter. It's going to be about a page long and it's going to be nothing but good.

[Brian Bishop]

You. Scented paper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay, Mike.

[Jay Paterno]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And make sure she knows about the, you know, obviously the grand grandparents and you and the so on and if you were. But have this person help you craft it.

[Jay Paterno]

Okay. Yeah, I've never thought about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why I get the big bucks now.

[Brian Bishop]

Importantly, avoid saying bitch or worthless hole.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. We have the US Marathon candy bar commercial.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, thank God.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is the one that never ended. I mean, the theme. I am tweet, clawed I do everything fast. John, you can't eat a marathon candy bar fast. Quick, Claude. It lasts a good long time. I show you. There's a lot of Klondike humor back then. Delicious caramel and chewy. Told you. Nobody eats a marathon bar quick.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's like a pimp.

[Jay Paterno]

That's a good long time.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. Yeah, it was. Everything was about, like, how long it took to. Took to eat the marathon bar.

[Brian Bishop]

Different time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Now it's how quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Simpler times. Back when people in commercials had yellow teeth and bears. Bears. Quick break. Back with news next. Hey, Ventura, we're coming back. The Adam Carolla show is a live podcast at the Ventura Crown Plaza Hotel as part of the Ventura Comedy Festival, Wednesday, September 24th. Tickets will go fast. Get yours [e-mail] Alrighty, then. I think we're gonna push who the f sells this s back so that we can get a nice news session in with our own Allison Rosen. In the news, the news with Allison Rose frozen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Joan Rivers cause of death has come out, and it's really sad. She went to get an endoscopy, which is just a diagnostic procedure where they, like, run a scope. I think it's down your throat to look at her vocal cords because she wanted to find out why her throat was sounding more and more raspy. And then this is the story that has come out. A doctor that was part of her entourage, so had arrived with her crew. Her entourage offered to do a biopsy there because they saw something curious. So he did a biopsy, like, on the spot, used their equipment. And apparently that's a procedure that should not ever be done in a doctor's office. That should only be done in the hospital with this kind of biopsy or whatever he was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

You say her entourage. You mean like her assistant? And her. Was she filming? Does she travel? She travel with a doctor.

[Allison Rosen]

That's. Those are the exact questions I had. All that has come out is that it was a doctor who was part of her entourage, whatever that means.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

And so then her throat seized up and she couldn't get any air. And so then they called 911, but that's how she died. That's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

So she just suffocated. And then, like a huge malpractice.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't heard anyone say that yet, but that was. Yes, huge malpractice.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally off the subject. I was in my backyard yesterday. I have a lot of wild parrots where I live.

[Brian Bishop]

Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is cool. I've lived in a few places that have had wild parrots. And if you have wild parrots, parrots, they fly super fast and they're super loud and they just take off and it's always dusky. It's like, I don't know, you know, 6:37 in the evening, I go to the backyard, throw the football around with Sonny, and they just fly overhead and they just fly really furiously.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a fly pattern.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they make a ton of noise. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's around dusk and also when you wake up, too.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I thought, do they shit while they're flying? And then I thought, do birds shit while they're flying or are they mostly stationary? And then I thought, you know, running and shitting sounds difficult to me. That'd be difficult. But flying and shitting would sound damn near impossible.

[Brian Bishop]

Unless they're just gliding, you know, they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

They're furiously flapping their wings like they're really working it hard and they're just, like, going at it just fast, like jet formation.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe they don't have to push. Maybe it just falls right out of their little butts.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

Which would imply they'd have to hold it, but then it wasn't falling.

[Adam Carolla]

When they shit.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think they ever hold it.

[Adam Carolla]

When they shit on your car. Yeah, they're on the branch above your car mostly. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

That's the answer. Here's your answer. Think about every time you've seen massive amounts of bird shit. It's always around a branch or a wire or places where birds hang out. There's not massive amounts of bird shits on flight patterns. It's where they hang out, they relax and they poop.

[Adam Carolla]

But do they can?

[Brian Bishop]

I think they can, yes. For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

They should go in hard.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh. Seminal moment of my childhood was when I was in first grade and a teacher got pooped on in the yard for a flying seagull.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there anything better for a kid? Is there anything better?

[Allison Rosen]

And then there's that person who will say, oh, it's good luck. I don't think it's good luck.

[Adam Carolla]

No? No. All right, so, Matt, I want to know what percentage by species.

[Brian Bishop]

Good luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Birds shit while they're stationary versus full flight. Anyway, Joan's going to be missed. That's weird.

[Allison Rosen]

It was a personal doctor who identified Himself as an ear, nose and throat physician. I don't know. I guess maybe she does travel with a doctor. I'm sure his name will come out.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he tried to do a little biopsy. She had like a reaction and it just like literally closed down.

[Allison Rosen]

It's called a laryngospasm. Like her larynx.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't they at that point do like emergency trache kind of thing?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's the thing, is that I also heard that this, as any doctor's office would, they had the life saving stuff there. So I don't know why it didn't work. I mean, they called 911 and it took, I don't know, six or seven minutes for 911 to get there. I know that you're brain dead. I believe if you don't have oxygen for four minutes. Minutes, that's how long you can not breathe and still be brought back. But yeah, I don't know why they didn't use all their life saving stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

It depends, like how old you are and how cold the water is and stuff. Because there's some cases where kids were under for like 25 minutes, but it was almost frozen water. Because the water's so cold. Yeah. And because you're so young, they can literally be underwater for 25 minutes and they'll kind of come back. But when you're old, you don't bounce back from things. Had to be a weird 911 call. Get over to this medical facility now and bring all your stuff. Where the guide had to be like, we don't have that much stuff in the van. I mean, you probably got more stuff there than we got in the van. But you don't have any doctors. No, no. The place is lousy with doctors now. Send your untrained non doctors here now.

[Allison Rosen]

We need more EMTs.

[Adam Carolla]

We need more EMTs. We need more guys who dropped out of junior college and then did six months in emt. Program, program. Now that strange call be like, use the stuff you have there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't, but I mean, if you were her family, how pissed would you be?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sorry for sounding wildly cynical and like a douche.

[Allison Rosen]

Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Do you think Melissa and Joan were like, how much did they.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, it is crazy that you're saying that because that thought popped into my head today when I was thinking, oh, how sad for her. And I was like. Or did they have issues? I mean, it's still sad, but I just wonder, is that where you're going with this?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going with both. Which is. It can be both. It can be tons of issues and tons of tears.

[Allison Rosen]

It probably usually is. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Usually. Yeah. I think it's the rare cold person who doesn't shed a tear when someone dies, even if they have issues with them.

[Adam Carolla]

But to my mind, no husband. No. She has her daughter, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Melissa.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Has a son named Cooper.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. But I mean, Joan has a daughter, Ms. Melissa. That's it. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Her husband committed suicide.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So if you have Joan Rivers, many years, years ago. Husband. Yes. If you have a mom, and that mom is 81 and you've had a couple issues and you know, okay, reasonably, her time on the planet is a few years, you know, all works out. One way she dies in her sleep. Another way there's a huge payday for you because there's malpractice involved.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, this is really cynical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's horrible, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, Adam Carolla is the douchiest douche that ever douched. I'm saying if Joan Rivers is 39, that's a completely different situation. This is into the 80s, and I don't know how much love, but I can tell you right Now, I have two parents in their 80s, they're not going to be here forever. If you gave me the choice, just flat out of how they would go in the sleep versus somebody screwed up and I get $10 million, you're gonna choose. I'd go, someone screwed up every time.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, that's me. If we're gonna play this game. But what about.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to go. But over how many years would they have had left or you guys had together?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. Let's say you have a choice of seven more years of smoothie talk with Mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we talk about muffins, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Smoothie. I'm not going to make it this descriptive because this is making me feel like an asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

You have, you know, five, six, seven more years or right now you get your $10 million. But goodbye, parent. What are you going to choose?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, it's. I only see him like six times a year or six times. In that. In that. Six, seven. So it's only a million dollars. A million dollars of muffin toss. Not bad. I'd take those odds pretty good. Yeah, I'd take the cash, but that's me.

[Allison Rosen]

I think most people actually would just. Most wouldn't admit.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like the lottery. You got the lump sum or the annuity.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's that thing.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not getting 10 million if he gets the six or seven more years. Yeah, that's the question. Would you pay $10 million to have your parents alive for six more years?

[Adam Carolla]

No. What I'm saying is if you're Melissa, you're probably staring down the barrel of two and a half years. Dies in her sleep versus dies prematurely. And now you got $12 million or whatever it is when they do her earnings, you know, well, she was capable of going out and doing X, Y and Z. Worse things have happened today.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a lucky gal.

[Adam Carolla]

Worse things have happened to kids. Well, considering everybody's parents are going to die.

[Allison Rosen]

True. Okay, true. I'm just saying death that was preventable because someone fucked up is very insane.

[Adam Carolla]

There's also long agonizing, drawn out death. There's watching somebody, you know, especially, oh, they're a shell of their former self, you know. You know, they don't remember my grandkids names anymore. They can't. They need help going to the bathroom. You know, there's that. That's a very agonizing, kind of a slow death is. Well, that's how mostly kind of goes, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's just also crazy that considering all the procedures she had done, this is what got her, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Birds poo while they fly to lighten their load. So says Matt. Feels like a joke, but it makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

It makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. It's a lot of energy.

[Allison Rosen]

Some ornithologists said this. That's a bird person, a bird poo person.

[Brian Bishop]

Planes drop, drop poop basically to lighten their load.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

No blue ice? No, not anymore. They're not allowed to do that.

[Brian Bishop]

You row the Atlantic?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so. I don't think that boats can do that flush thing anymore. I don't think they can. And there's about 11,000 known species of birds. So Matt, you really got to get to to it. And you know what? They all do.

[Brian Bishop]

We need a list.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. I don't think there's the blue ice thing anymore. And planes used to have drop tanks and they still probably into Vietnam and maybe a little beyond where they had fuel tanks that they would drop off once they spent to get extra range out of them. But anyway, she'll be missed.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of Joan Rivers, Donald Trump tweeted that Joan Rivers will be appearing in two episodes of the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.

[Adam Carolla]

He does not miss.

[Allison Rosen]

He does not. I know. I find this opportunity to make an.

[Adam Carolla]

Opportunity of anything, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Very, very Donald Trump here Was his tweet.

[Brian Bishop]

God bless that kid.

[Allison Rosen]

We just finished shooting a new season of Celebrity Apprentice, and happily for all, Joan plays my advisor in two episodes. She was great. So, you know, good news, everyone. Yeah, happily for all I can say.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this about Trump. I don't know. I'll tell you one thing, though. His kids are pretty fucking solid. Like his daughter.

[Allison Rosen]

She is. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When you want to just talk about, like, impressive, like, you just meet someone who's, like, really put together, really confident, like, focused, like, hard working, like, you go like, oh, I hope my daughter turns out, like, fill in the blank. That's Ivanka. Yeah, that's her. You go, wow, this is a super together person.

[Allison Rosen]

You think that's him or the mom?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I do. I have a thing, which is, if your kids hate you, there's something going on. I just don't want to give you that much respect. No matter what you've done with your life, if you find out your adult kids hate you. And by the same token, if your adult kids turn out good, especially your daughter for some reason, and she respects you and she's good, I want to give you some credit for that as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what do you make of people who love their parents too much, though, and who claim that their parents were perfect and they had a perfect childhood? Because I always think, where are the bodies?

[Adam Carolla]

Something Matt, where are the bodies?

[Brian Bishop]

They are located in my dad's shoebox. Just putting them in scrambled eggs.

[Adam Carolla]

He's going hot tubbing with dad tonight, so let's not jinx it. But all I do is get Jack jealous and super inquisitive. Like, one of my business guys, Andy, a few years ago told me I'm going on a cruise. And I'm like, oh, are you taking on a cruise or are you just going to try to get laid? Oh, no, I'm taking my mom. Taking your mom? Yeah. Because there's, you know, 38.

[Brian Bishop]

So he was trying to get laid.

[Adam Carolla]

Taking a cruise with your mom? Yeah. Why? What do you mean, why? I love her, you know, like. But you're going on a cruise. How many days? Three days. Oh, no. Like, 10 days. Oh, by the way, again, you can always tell what a horrible childhood you've had because you hear about things that are enjoyable to other people and you wince. Oh, God damn. What the fuck?

[Brian Bishop]

You look forward to it. Never been to a last time.

[Allison Rosen]

How big is that? Crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

So what are you gonna do? Just bring, like, a keg of whiskey and roofie Yourself the entire time.

[Jay Paterno]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Share some wine and have some stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Dinner every night. What? Do what? I get really indignant, like, what the fuck are you gonna do with your mom? You have to talk to her and stuff. Oh, man. Same boat. Whoa. It's a bad sign. I think it's a bad sign. But I also don't trust those people. I think we can agree on that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh yeah. I don't trust them.

[Adam Carolla]

But we don't trust Amorjell.

[Allison Rosen]

But then I also don't trust people. Yeah, well, not don't trust, but I would be wary of someone who just absolutely hates their parents too. There's just the right level of. You're sort of agitated by them, I think. I don't know. Like I want. But then it's weird to think that almost everyone has a problem with their parents. Like almost everyone has issues with their childhood. What's wrong with everyone and civilization? That that's the case, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Be an interesting thing when you're done looking up the bird poop thing. Matt. Look up this thing. I think, and I know it works from gender to gender, from parent to mom to son to daughter, whatever it is. I think a slightly higher percentage of females have a beef with their parents than males have with their parents. I think it's just a more sensitive wiring where things are like a bigger issue to them than guys.

[Allison Rosen]

And we are not expected to be stoic either.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. So smart. Yeah. No, like brush. Yeah. To brush things off or to get on with it.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's all good.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that amongst people that have a beef with their parents and maybe I'm doing this. There's a little bit of this going on at my house, which is. I'm already looking at my son and my daughter and I'm already hearing the 28 year old version of the. Them talking shit about me. And I don't see my boy saying anything bad. And I can already. I can already hear Natalia.

[Allison Rosen]

What's she gonna say?

[Brian Bishop]

She's stashing away information.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, I'll give you an example. As I said, Coronado vintage race on the Coronado naval base is coming up. And I took my son about three years ago and we slept in the same bed together and we went out to dinner and I made him a little pit crew guy and all that kind of stuff. Matt, you might have a picture or Sunny in Coronado at some point. But he cherished it. Like he really cherished it. And now he's counting the days until once again, we go off to Coronado and, you know, and I give him the. I need you to be there for me. I need you to be on top of your game and really need your help in the pits, keep the car clean and blah, blah, blah. It's just a waste of my time. And you can go to ancroll.com and see this. I think this may have been last year, I believe brought both of them. But time before this, me and Sonny just stayed together, just, you know, father, son, slept in the same bed and all that, went out to dinner and all that kind of stuff. Well, this year I said, I'm bringing Sonny. And Natalia's coming, too. I think Lynette's trying to get Natalia out of the house. She's like, take the girl. And Natalia's like, no, I'm hanging. I'm hanging. And I'm like, come on, you want to go with Daddy and Sonny to Corona? And she's like, now I don't want to hang here and drive where no one snores slowly insane. Oh, I already got the Junior Breathe right strips. Somebody tweeted me. But already. So I can already see that he's like, when I come home tonight, he's going to tell me that he's going to do a thing where he goes, is it six more days or is it seven more days or how many days until we leave for Coronado? And she's going to be. And part of it's just going to be to screw with me. When Lynette says, natalia, you're going to go to Coronado, which for those of you who don't know San Diego Way, 125 miles south of here, up against, sort of, kind of up against Tijuana border there, or not against the border, but that direction, she's going to say, you're going to go, and she's going to yell no and look at me and go do the raspberry thing and then run out of the room because she's fucking with me. But later on, when they hit the therapist in their 20s, me being on the road a lot in his mind is going to translate into, dad worked very hard and provided well for us. And with her, it's going to be, he was gone every weekend doing something somewhere without us, that'll be. That'll be like number one. And. And then I'll just keep going down from there. There's Lynette, the kids and the trailer and the truck and all the. All the good stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your crew chief there in the.

[Allison Rosen]

Middle eating a corn dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Righty, then. All right. So I think because of the wiring now we say women are kind of. I think they're wired like Italian sports cars or English sports cars, you know, when they're running right. Nothing better, but don't leave them out in the rain. And guys are just kind of like an old pickup truck, you know, not so never the highs, but just sort of sturdy and reliable. And so I would think. I would think that there's a big, bigger issue. Maybe it's just a few percentage points in general with the ladies versus their parenting versus that, but I couldn't tell you. But it would be interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe we have higher expectations.

[Adam Carolla]

I think also if things mean more on a. I don't think guys read into things because we're very face value. And so, for instance, instance, women will say, oh, you didn't know what she meant when she said, you're looking good. That meant you weren't looking good before, and now you've lost weight that you're looking good, but she thought you were. Whereas guys just are sort of more face value sort of stuff. And because there's plenty of opportunity for that to go on in any relationship, especially this kind of relationship when you're living together and father and son, daughter, wife, you know, all that stuff, there's just more opportunity where I would think that someone like Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

You probably just have like a more of a straightforward relationship with your dad. I mean, you go out, you tailgate, you watch usc, and that's it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Like Allison said, I think everyone, especially our age or just adults, has some issue, big or small, with their parents. But, yeah, I'd like to think it's pretty straightforward. Not a lot of subtext in my situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And I think women, and this is why they're better at being parents.

[Allison Rosen]

Intuitive.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, they do, but I mean, they're wired. They're tuned in with that wiring, which is. My wife is just better with the kids than I am because that's her wiring. Whereas I'm off somewhere else thinking about something else.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Most of us tend towards interpersonal relationships.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ah, you want a relationship with a new employee? You hiring? How about ZipRecruiter baby? Well, you can post your job on just one site, but that's not enough. How about you do it on all the top job sites with ZipRecruiter.com, 50/job sites, Craigslist, LinkedIn, Twitter. Just do it all with a single click, right. Now my listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com Adam that's ZipRecruiter.com Adam. No juggling emails or calls. You can quickly screen candidates and rate them and hire the right person fast. Try it for free. Don't do much better than free, do we? Ziprecruiter.com Adam all right, what else we got?

[Allison Rosen]

A study has come out that says that pilots and flight attendants are twice as likely to suffer from melanoma compared to the general population. This came out in Journal of the American Medical Association. And apparently the intensity of UV radiation increases by 15% for every 3,000ft above sea level. Planes regularly fly at 35,000ft above sea level or higher. I didn't realize that you're subject to uv. Is it coming from the windows? I thought it can't pass through glass.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm, no, it can.

[Jay Paterno]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm wrong.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it depends on if there's glass is tempered or whatever, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it would be. Do we have breaking bird poop news?

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of flight, all birds that fly can poop while flying. Less than 1% cannot. Therefore 99.9% of birds that fly can poop and fly at the same time. It sounds boring as hell, but go ahead. Now this is not fascinating. Any of this gaggle of parrots poop anytime. And I'm glad they don't because it would come down with a certain ferocity. Weren't we doing the news? Mm. Now so by the way, a pox on the person. And they don't do it as much anymore. But back in the day when they'd go, alright, we're gonna get ready to show the movie now. So if you could just go ahead and lower your screen or on your window, the shade on your window would make it a lot easier and a lot more comfortable for people who are viewing the movie. And there was always that fucking one dickweed who'd never fucking lower the thing and wasn't doing anything where they needed what was coming through the window.

[Allison Rosen]

Likes the window.

[Adam Carolla]

And it just you, you didn't hear the announcement. You're not seeing the fact that they're fucking watching a movie now. And then there's that you're in that weird no man's land of like, they're not behind you directly, but they're one more behind you, but the fucking light is just gashing through maybe in front of you and just cutting off the screen. And you go, get up and like, say something or what? And isn't it one of those times when you want the stewardess to kind of get on her game a little bit more and go like, hey, could you please go ahead? I mean, in a world where if you do not get your seat in the upright position or the tray table in the upright position, they go fucking berserk on you, couldn't they do just a little more of that with window detail? And, yeah, with this. You would think, because, yeah, the screen shut. No reason to have the light blaring through there. And anyway. All right, interesting. Also, you know what I think about? One of the first things I was thinking about is those planes. They're really just like one big flying chemical. It's just jet A fuel and all this weird synthetic fibers and plastics and, you know, it's not like a bunch of wool is on there. It's just everything is. There's nothing on that plane that is man made or that isn't man made. You know what I mean? It's all the alloys, all the fuels, all the resins, all the. All the claws, everything, you know what I mean? Is something that came from some huge factory somewhere. I'm not into the environmental thing, but you will climb onto a plane and you can like, smell the chemicals.

[Allison Rosen]

How is any of the outside getting inside a plane? Isn't the whole point that it's, like very sealed? This is just baffling to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the UV rays pass through the window and they're that much more intense because you're that much higher up into the atmosphere. I think that's what the article's saying, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But then it makes you wonder. So people who fly all the time, should they be worried?

[Adam Carolla]

No. And the reason people that fly all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're one.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I'm one of these people that flies a lot. It still translates into once every 21 days versus five times a day.

[Brian Bishop]

Even if you literally commute for work, like you fly Fridays and fly Mondays and everything, that's only a fraction. Fraction of what? A flight attendant. Flight attendant. Four. Four flights a day. On, you know, some routes.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, the cirrhosis will get you sooner, right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. The news.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. That was the news with Allison Rosen. What do you got, Matt? Could not find a specific statistic, but you have a sister. Yes. We have very different relationship with our parents, but. Really? But we both get along with Our parents very well.

[Brian Bishop]

I was expecting bird news growing up.

[Adam Carolla]

Growing up, my sister definitely lied to my parents a lot more and was a lot more kind of sneaking around. But I think my parents love us equally. At least that's what they tell me. Right? You have to believe them.

[Jay Paterno]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's first on the license plate? The vanity plane? Me.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause you're older, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what they say. Yeah, exactly. Now look, without, you know, outing you or your sister, your relationship with your parents could not get any better. You spend weekends over there, you guys go out of town together. You just go over there and start drinking and sit in their hot tub all day with your girlfriend and all that stuff. So I'm guessing that your sister's relationship is not as good as yours because you could not be better than your. Could anything be as good as yours? My sister's there too and she's doing laundry in my parents laundry machines. She's living there? Well, she doesn't live there.

[Allison Rosen]

No. She brings her dirty laundry.

[Adam Carolla]

Laundry over there.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a step you want to take in the right direction at a certain point in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

She's over there and maybe that's putting a little strain on the relationship. No, I bring it up to say that I believe that my sister's relationship is about on par with mine. Well, you said it's different though. It was different when she was growing up because I felt, and I think.

[Brian Bishop]

My parents felt she was a little.

[Adam Carolla]

More dishonest with them. But I think she's gotten older and matured, that it's leveled back out again.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you have any gripe at all? Isn't there anything they did that you felt was unfair or shitty?

[Adam Carolla]

His dad buys Wilson shoes when he wished he'd buy K Swiss so he could be a little more, you know, trendy and friendly.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you ever grounded?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was grounded one time for lying to my parents. They told me there's one place I was not allowed to go. My friends. My friends and I were down there for like three hours and my parents thought we were kidnapped.

[Allison Rosen]

What place was it?

[Adam Carolla]

It was just like down by the.

[Brian Bishop]

Creek, you know, some near our house.

[Adam Carolla]

So I got home and the whole. My parents had already called the police. There are people looking for us. And I was only gone for like two and a half, three hours, but grounded for a week. After that my sister ran away. My parents never called the police. She's gone for months.

[Allison Rosen]

Were they even worried?

[Adam Carolla]

They had to have been right quietly probably. There was some Worry, Hard to tell you. They're worried she might come back and want something to eat or to borrow some money or something. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Where did she go? Do you know?

[Adam Carolla]

I think she just like got a boyfriend and just kind of lived at his house and, I don't know, just sort of got a job and just kind of. I don't know, she just did what people do, you know, let's say, I don't know, 300 years ago, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Cascade of spit.

[Adam Carolla]

Just get used to live in North Hollywood, you know, Just got by on.

[Allison Rosen]

The fat of the land.

[Adam Carolla]

Thirteen and a half. It's time to get to work, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Were you sad or worried about her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I was sad. I was sad because my Jewish grandfather Laszlo was wringing his hands and very upset over this whole ordeal. And I was upset, actually I was upset at her, at how upset he was wanting to know where she was. Which is a sort of weird way to interpret it through the eyes of a 12 or 13 year old boy. But I couldn't stand to see how upset he was. My mom and dad didn't seem particularly upset about it. So it wasn't one of those things where I was like upset because of them. I was. Poor grandpa was pacing and wringing his hands and probably driving around, looking around. And that upset me, that he was upset. But it all turned out great. But I would say overall she might have a couple more issues with them. I have issues, but they're not really. They're. I just kind of. I just kind of played a lot of sports and just kind of moved out, you know, wasn't a. Didn't play a big role.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, there's still time to develop some issues.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, where were we? So wait a minute. Your sister does laundry? Yeah. Now when you say she does laundry. Oh, she does it. She does do it. Her, herself. I think where she lives, they don't have the machines in her unit or something. She lives in 1827. Yeah. Where she, where does, where does she live? I mean, she has a place in like Sherman Oaks area. I've only been there once. I mean, I can't imagine there's not a facility in her building somewhere that would probably be easier for her to go to.

[Brian Bishop]

She's not by a stream. She can pound out the stuff on the rocks.

[Adam Carolla]

But she does, I swear, she takes the basket home with her. Throws in the back of her car and maybe doesn't cost money. Yeah. Quarters in if you're there. Yeah, that'll break you. I mean, because it's not like you do just one load a year. It could be every other week.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And before you know it, you're at $14.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Over the course of three years, that's.

[Brian Bishop]

Literally dozens of dollars a year. Literally dozens of dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, we're talking about. If you want to translate that into, like, let's say Mexican food, that's like an order and a half of quesadillas a year to do your own laundry.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, good thing you put it in terms Mac and understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It'd be very sad to not have. I mean, no guacamole, obviously, on the side, but still. That's just cheese. That's not chicken and cheese.

[Brian Bishop]

Free salsa, but no guacamole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's not a steak and cheese quesadilla, but either way, it adds up. Over the course of a life, over the course of a lifetime. Now we're getting into three digits at this point, or at least knocking on the door of three digits, we could be 85. $86.

[Brian Bishop]

Fajita platter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. For you and some co workers. All right, I'm hungry. All right, then. Thank you for continuing to use the Amazon banner and help me get back to zero. Also, a new Mangria location, NC Total Wines now fully stocked with the new. The new Mangria. That much better reverse osmosis, they tell me on the Brandy. That is the hard stuff in there.

[Brian Bishop]

It's getting all sciency.

[Adam Carolla]

Smoothed it all out. Unbelievable tasting, same punch, but unbelievable. All right, so until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Alistair Rosen and bald Ryan. Oh, and Jay Paterno saying, mahalo. This soup's dry.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that does it for today's Crawl Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo.

[Adam Carolla]

And get it on.

[Jay Paterno]

Sam.