Jill Zarin + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics)

Episode: Jill Zarin + Alison and Bryan (December 28, 2025)

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Overview

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show’s “Carolla Classics” revisits standout segments from the show's 16-year history, featuring a 2011 interview with Jill Zarin (Real Housewives of New York), and lively banter with former cohosts Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop ("Bald Bryan"). The episode is packed with Adam’s signature comedic rants, unsparing pop culture observations, and discussions on everything from internet fails and reality TV, to family dynamics and lip gloss flavors. Later, the team dives into random news, peculiar product gripes, and listener calls, all wrapped in Carolla’s irreverent style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Adam’s Comedy and “Special Needs” Bit (02:08–07:11)

• Adam riffs on the advantage of claiming you have a special needs child at work, joking about using it to get out of responsibilities and avoid being fired.
• He elaborately role-plays scenarios where coworkers leverage family or biological hardships (including “menses” for women) for sympathy and extra leniency at work, poking fun at workplace dynamics and how “passes” are distributed.
• Memorable Quote:

  “You’ll just get that pass and guys do that, ladies. And establish it early enough and use it when you need it. It’ll never get held against you…”
  — Adam Carolla (05:17)

• Extended, tongue-in-cheek improvisation with Alison Rosen, joking about asking for time off due to menstrual cramps.

2. The Art of Corporate Espionage, Carolla-Style (07:41–09:26)

• Adam shares a humorous hack for eavesdropping on post-meeting conversations by leaving a recording pen in the room—a riff on business paranoia and negotiation.
• Memorable Quote:

  “If you want to know exactly how the meeting went… get a pen that has a little chip and a little hearing aid battery… Click it once, it records, click it twice, it stops recording… Click the pen once, leave...”
  — Adam Carolla (08:12)

3. Internet Failures of 2011 (12:16–28:03)

• Alison Rosen presents “Fail Blog’s” top 10 “fail people” of 2011, sparking commentary from Adam and Bryan.
• They riff on public “failures” like Anthony Weiner, Lindsay Lohan, Casey Anthony, Moammar Gaddafi, Charlie Sheen, Rebecca Black, Kim Kardashian, and Congress.
• Notable Quotes and Riffs:
  • On Anthony Weiner:

    “Just own your penis.”
    — Alison Rosen (13:00)

  • On Lindsay Lohan:

    “So it’s either OD… or… I hope she finds Jesus Christ and never stops talking about Jesus Christ. I mean, like a black athlete…”
    — Adam Carolla (15:11)

  • On Casey Anthony:

    “I would argue Casey Anthony’s the biggest winner of the year...”
    — Adam Carolla (15:37)

• The hosts discuss why public scandal cycles have become so prolonged, attributing it to 24/7 media, endless content needs, and social media.
• Adam laments the ubiquity of “chick music” in sports bars, and tells stories about travel mishaps with his oblivious associate Mike August.

4. On Pop Culture, Fame, and Reality TV (29:33–34:01, 57:10–60:01)

• Adam and the team dissect why celebrities' 15 minutes of fame now seem to last forever, blaming the proliferation of TV, gossip media, and online content for stretching non-stories into mini-eras.
• Bryan posits that reality TV and celebrity culture has replaced soap operas in ‘feeding drama to the masses.’
• They riff on the essential “fakeness” and scripting of reality shows, with Jill Zarin confirming much of it becomes “cooked” as series progress.
• Quote:

  “We’re out of stuff to broadcast. We’re officially done… there’s 200,000 stations.”
  — Adam (29:33)

5. Interview with Jill Zarin (45:00–1:03:00, 1:10:00+)

• Jill Zarin details her sudden firing from Real Housewives of New York City, why Bravo cuts cast members, and the behind-the-scenes of the show’s casting process.
• Jill explains how her family’s close-knit Jewish values shaped her, sparking Adam's musings on the ‘success formula’ of Jewish and Italian families.
• Notable Quotes:
  • On being fired:

    “They fired me, Alex, Kelly, and Cindy…. I really don’t know why.”
    — Jill Zarin (45:54)

  • On Jewish family bonds:

    “The reason why education’s so important to Jews is because it’s portable.”
    — Jill Zarin (53:50)

• Adam and Jill brainstorm a talk/chat show concept—“Hot Cup of Jill with Ace Over Easy”—with playful debates about who’s funnier and how the show would blend gossip, guest stories, and complaints.
• They joke about recurring reality show figures and reminisce on their chemistry during a prior appearance together.

6. “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” (40:27, 44:51)

• Adam is challenged to complain about eggnog and nutmeg, resulting in an absurd monologue about the uselessness of nutmeg (except on eggnog) and health concerns over holiday drinks.

7. Lip Balm & Girl Scout Cookies (35:16–37:37)

• The hosts riff hilariously on Girl Scout cookie-flavored lip balms, mock-predicting incidents involving overzealous snackers and mountain lions, and debate which flavor reigns supreme.

8. Candid News & Listener Calls (66:00+)

• Alison Rosen presents consumer news, including which brands made the "Naughty or Nice" list (e.g., complaints about Southwest Airlines, Costco, Ticketmaster settlements).
• Jill drops beauty and fashion tips, like “Don’t wear high-waisted pants” and “Take care of your eyebrows.”

9. Sex, Social Norms, and Parenting (80:44+)

• The crew debates tabloid stories (like Jennifer Aniston's alleged meeting with her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend) and share views on ex drama.
• A cheeky, ongoing discussion about thongs, wedgies, and appropriate signals for assistants highlights the show’s unique blend of lowbrow and clever humor.

10. Second Classic Segment: Modern Annoyances & Adam’s Rants (90:34+)

• Explores Adam’s encounters with strange international candies, mildew on racing gear, and the trials of assistants and handymen.
• He deconstructs the “kill, fuck, marry” game with cohosts, riffs about LA’s graffiti and trash compared to Seattle, and critiques the city's aesthetics and bureaucracy.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On work sympathy passes

  “No one ever says… let me see some paperwork on this guy’s retardism. You know, it’s a spectrum disorder. I want to know what side of it he’s on.”
  — Adam (04:38)

• On media overexposure:

  “We’re officially done. We don’t have anything… we’re out of ideas.”
  — Adam (29:33)

• On family dynamics in culture:

  “Jews are like smart Italians, but Italians are like good looking Jews.”
  — Adam (50:26)

• On reality TV “cooking” the storylines:

  “I think all reality shows are getting more cooked. I think they start out real, and as time goes on… they start making the stuff up.”
  — Jill Zarin (64:13)

• On fame cycles:

  “Her run is longer than Molly Ringwald’s run.”
  — Adam, on Kim Kardashian (28:32)

• On fashion advice:

  “Don’t wear high-waisted pants.”
  — Jill Zarin (78:17)

• On being an atheist supporting a Catholic charity:

  “I'm a little different than most atheists… I was a Catholic Big Brother back in the early 90s… there was never any religion brought up.”
  — Adam (145:31)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:08 – 07:11: Workplace sympathy “bit” and comedic role-plays
• 12:16 – 28:03: Top internet fails of 2011 and celebrity scandal commentary
• 29:33 – 34:01: Reality TV and pop culture analysis
• 44:51 – 46:06: “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” – Nutmeg and Eggnog Riff
• 45:00 – 1:03:00: Jill Zarin Interview — Real Housewives, family, TV show pitch
• 66:00 – 78:17: News, consumer lists, and fashion advice
• 90:34+: Second classic segment — modern annoyances, LA vs. Seattle, “kill, fuck, marry,” and classic Carolla rants

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Style, Tone, and Banter

The episode is quintessential Adam Carolla: raw, sarcastic, playful, and sometimes bracingly un-PC. The chemistry between Adam, Alison, Bryan, and guest Jill Zarin creates an entertaining push-pull between sharp wit, confessional sharing, and riotous, meandering stories.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a robust showcase of what makes The Adam Carolla Show a podcast stalwart—wild improvisation, irreverent humor, pop culture roasting, inside stories from reality TV, and no shortage of riffs about the absurdities of modern life. The blend of true confession, sharp satire, and loving mockery—especially during the Jill Zarin segments—offers a front-row taste of why so many keep coming back for more.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the.

[B]

Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show.

[A]

We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics which you can find exclusively through Podcast 1, the entire ad free archive every single episode. And if you like the ad free archives of the Adam Coroll show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carla substack adamcarla.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcurla.com let's get to the clips coming up.

[B]

First we have Adam Corolla show 713.

[A]

Featuring Jill Zarion, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2011. Yep, it's that episode. Yeah, yeah, get it on. Oh, my voice is gone. Gotta get it on. No choice.

[C]

You really selling it?

[A]

Yeah, I know everyone's sick. It's all going around. I've been doing a lot of standup lately. Why don't you stop talking for a while? Yeah, that's what I need to do, but I can't. I can't help myself.

[C]

You need. Speaking of comedy interventions, someone needs to do an intervention because you're talking is making it so you have no. Daddy, stop talking.

[A]

I know you can't stop. I know I can't stop talking. I'm sick. I was at a nice spirited wrestling match with my daughter tonight.

[C]

Daddy, stop talking.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds like either my 5 year old daughter or my 29 year old retarded son.

[C]

Dada. Stop talking. Who was that?

[A]

Jeez. That could have been their love child. Sad.

[C]

What would your 29 year old retarded son's name be? Or what is it?

[A]

Well, it would be one of those names that's weird because I think they always compensate. It would be Gregory.

[C]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[A]

You know, it'd be like one of those he's not retarded with Jeffrey with a G. Yeah, yeah. Jeffrey with a G. G, E, O. Yeah, yeah. Mm.

[C]

After Chaucer, of course.

[A]

I was just saying the other night up on stage that and I don't know if I've talked to you guys about this in a while, but that thing where if you get a new job, always say you have a special needs child early on and then you just do that thing where, you know, you come in first off, you're just gonna score points if it comes between firing the serial you know, philanderer in the office. You know, the guy who's driving the two seater BMW ragtop and has banged both the receptionists that have been here in the last six months. Or firing the guy with the special needs kid. It's always gonna be him. Oh, it'll never be you in the special needs kid. And no one ever says, like, if you go, like, you know, if you go in the first day of work and you go, you got any music, Brian? Yeah. Do something like this first do. First thing I do is I do the back finger knock on the door. That means, you know, somber in business.

[C]

Right. You know, hey, it's a very special knock.

[A]

I do that thing. Ted, could I talk to you for a second? You know, my son Gregory, he's a hero. He's got more guts. The kid's got more guts in his pinky than I'll ever hope to have in my whole body. Yeah. Yeah, he's. He's my world, man. And doctor said he wouldn't see eight still here. And I just. I just. I just wish I had what half the guts that kid had. And then at some point, you know, when there's a Dodgers day game that you want to go to, let's say you're. Let's say the Cubs are in town and you're a Chicago guy or something, you want to catch a day game or it's just a hot day, it's good, good beach weather or something like that. And you do the backwards knock again and you come in and you're like, ted, you got a minute?

[B]

What's up?

[A]

What's up? Greg's having a tough day.

[B]

Oh, Gregory.

[A]

Now, Gregory, I'm sorry, I gotta get home. If that's in which case you'd be the biggest dick in the world. Feel like what you do, what you gotta do. Yeah, that's exactly.

[B]

Don't even worry about filling out a personal day request form. I'll take care of that.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

Tear up that request form.

[A]

Yeah, here's a pillowcase full of money. Don't ever come back. That's what you get.

[C]

That guy has the best priorities. We could all learn a lesson from him.

[A]

Yeah, that's what you get. And then you never get questioned. It's never like, let me see some paperwork on this guy's retardism. You know, it's a spectrum disorder. I want to know what side of it he's on.

[C]

It's never like, how special are these needs?

[A]

Yeah. Is it like the guy like that Sean Penn character in that one movie. Is it that kind of retard or what are we talking about here?

[B]

We talk when I am Sam. We're talking Rain Man.

[A]

Bring him in.

[B]

Functionally, like, can he drive?

[A]

I want to kick this kid's tire. And if he can drive, we're talking.

[B]

About like in the driveway or like on the street.

[A]

We talking about, is he driving a Prius or Big Wheel? Like, I want to know what. What. His transportation is so.

[C]

Like a thimble full of drool or a sippy cup full of drool.

[A]

No one will ever do that. You'll just get that pass and guys do that, ladies. And establish it early enough and use it when you need it. It'll never get held against you and you'll never get shit canned. Number one. Number two, ladies. You use your. Your menses.

[C]

Oh, I do, yeah. Boy, do I. Yeah.

[A]

How would that sound? What should we call you, by the way? I'll call you Allison.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Come in, Allison. I mean, come in. I don't know who's out there. I don't have a glass, do I?

[C]

Listen, fuck head. I've got cramps.

[A]

Whoa, whoa.

[C]

And a bad headache. So I gotta go. Cause I have my period.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah, okay, sure. Please. And don't sit down, please.

[C]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

I just said a chair upholster. Thank you. That's fine.

[C]

Still, maybe I shouldn't come out guns blazing. Maybe she's more like.

[A]

Yeah, this really embarrassing. Okay, let's try it again.

[C]

Oh, hey.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

I feel really silly about this, but I kind of need to go because I'm kind of having a. Do you have daughters?

[A]

I have an ex wife.

[C]

Do you know how. Well, maybe it's the wrong tact to take. I'm kind of having a female problem.

[A]

Who are you not getting along with?

[C]

No, no, not Cheryl from. No, no, I love everyone here. Yeah, No, I just.

[A]

Cheryl can be a bitch sometimes.

[C]

No. Yeah, I mean, kind of. She can kind of be a bitch.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But no, I just. I kind of need to.

[A]

Your side hurts.

[C]

Yes, but I need to go.

[A]

Oh, please. Yes. I feel stupid. Say no more. Take the rest of the day off.

[C]

Oh, thank you. I might need to take a couple more days off.

[A]

Yes. And if you'd like to use the tampon I currently have in my right nostril, that's all yours.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

It helps me think and it lets the world know.

[C]

What do you do with the appetite?

[A]

I mean, business. Use it as a spy glass. Like a Cecil Beanie esque spy Glass. I make a fake pirate. Make a pirate ship out of a refrigerator box, and then I use it as spyglass. When people come in, you know, for.

[C]

Big meetings, you know, people are always suggesting that you put cameras in pens and watches. People being the espionage industry, but you should put them in tampons and then just leave it out or something, because no one's really going to inspect that.

[A]

Yeah, but that's hard to have. I was saying to some people just the other day, and I've always said this, if you want to know exactly how the meeting went or how the interview went or how the anything went or how anyone or what anyone thinks of you, you simply get a pen that has a little chip and a little hearing aid battery in it. That's good for about three minutes. Click it once, it records, click it twice, it stops recording as you're leaving the meeting, Click it once and just set it down on the table, maybe, you know, discreetly behind some pie paper or something. Shake everyone's hand, whatever it is. If you're talking about merging your two companies or getting together or getting a raise or going for a position, whatever, and then just split and go, you know, it was great. You guys talk amongst yourselves. We'll talk soon, and hopefully we can do some business together. Click the pen once, leave, come back five minutes later, and not even five minutes, three minutes later, and go, sorry. Sorry, fellas. I'm sorry. Forgot my pen. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you'll see when you come in, they'll sort of stop talking, whatever, and then you just go sit in your car and listen to exactly what they said. You'll know whether you can ask for, like. You'll hear in that three minutes exactly. Everything that you need to hear about this meeting, you'll hear, is that it? That's all the money he wants. In which case you can ask for more money, or you're like, that guy's fucking high. We're never gonna give it to him, or, what an asshole. Or you might learn that you have bad breath or grommatosis, which is, I think, stinky feet. You'll learn everything you need to know about you, for good or for bad, in that five minutes when you leave that room. And it doesn't matter whether it's a social thing or a business thing, just sit in a room, talk to four or five people, 20 minutes, click it, and leave.

[B]

Well, Adam's an okay guy, but he's always leaving his pen everywhere. So sloppy.

[A]

Yeah. All right, let's see. You got a little News for us. Also, Jill Zarin, my new best friend from Real Housewives of New York I had a good time with. I want her to pitch our television show to us.

[C]

We've been hearing all about it from you.

[A]

So far it's I'm funny and she's not. But I want to get to the bottom of this.

[C]

But she thinks you're funny.

[A]

That we have cover.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And she's her. And I think you'll see, we'll make a great team. But I want to hear the pitch in person. All right, Allison, how about I give autoshepherd.com just a little bit of and you get that news. Poised to strike. Place to shop for repairing cars, trucks, jeeps, you name it. Up to 70% off lift. Lyft, maybe they sell lifts. Never thought about that list price. It's funny when you lisp when you're saying list prices.

[B]

So what do they do? Do they. You find parts on there or can they direct you?

[A]

They will sell you parts and you will save up to 70% off of list prices for original manufacturer parts.

[B]

It's like a mitzvah for you.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, you don't want to go to dealer. Yeah, you want to go to autoshepard.com they got custom parts, performance parts, accessories, over 200 brands. And by the way, each one of those brands makes 2000 kinds of parts. So you can do the math on that. Industry leader in customer service and 365 day return policies. I think that's almost a year, Auto Sphere. Almost.

[B]

Cheers.

[A]

What the hell am I saying? Oh, Auto Shepherd. Yeah, Auto Shepherd's open 24 7. 24 7. I guess if your computer's open 24 7, they're open 24 7. Plus they got free shipping for items 50 bucks and over. And that means you never waste gas going down to the store again. Visit Auto Shepherd. I use these guys all the time. Just got a fuel pump from these guys. Autoshepherd.com and use the promo code to save 10% on anything on the site. That's autoshepherd.com Adam. That's the promo code. Use that promo code, Adam. Save 10%, anything on the site. And it's already going to save 70%. So go to town, baby. Autoshepperd.com all right, Allison. Let's hear a little news, baby. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good.

[C]

Sometimes it's about.

[A]

It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up.

[C]

She'll sign it off with zip.

[A]

It's Allison. Allison.

[C]

So, Fail Blog, who are the people who do Know youw Meme and Icann has Cheeseburger. We've had them on the show and a bunch of different sites have put together their annual list of the top fail moments of 2011. They have the top 10 most memorable fail people, top 10 most memorable fail moments, and top 10 most memorable fail videos on Fail Blog. So I'm going to share with you some big fail moments as voted on by the Fail blog community. Okay, Top ten most memorable fail people. Number ten, Anthony Weiner.

[A]

Yeah, well, what strikes me about those guys is first they start off with this, well, it was nothing. And then it just kind of, well, it was something. And then they slink away and they.

[C]

Just own your penis.

[A]

I'd just be funny if a guy just like, just for once, like you remember, I think it was Hugh Grant right after he got busted for picking up that hooker who went on Leno and sort of made a joke about it. I mean, sort of said, yeah, I got busted, right? You know, and then. And America sort of went, he's all right. Like, it was a big deal.

[C]

I would have slept with him before and I'll still sleep with him.

[A]

That's from your mouth to God's ears, I hope. Yes, I mean, that's exactly what I'm thinking. And the thing is, it's like all anyone wants to hear is I fucked up. And that's all anyone won't say. And by the way, every argument I've ever had is basically all you gotta do is give me a I screwed up and we're done arguing.

[C]

Right? That's kind of like relationship 101. As long as you won't admit to whatever it is, the person is gonna keep pressing it. They can let it go once you allow them to have closure.

[A]

Right. I mean, that's if you're wrong. Yeah, but he should say, listen, fuck.

[B]

What?

[A]

That was stupid. I admit it. So what? You know, funny. I mean, look, I didn't invent this, by the way.

[C]

Sending pictures of your penis around.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And being kind of.

[A]

I perfected it.

[D]

But Nebraska, get ready to feel the pride.

[C]

Love Nebraska.

[D]

Volleyball is back January 2026, representing the entire state, featuring some of the best.

[A]

Players in the world, including Nebraska's own.

[D]

Jordan Larson, Lexi Rodriguez and Jaylee Winters.

[A]

Massive box long rallies and a statewide.

[D]

Fan base that shows up loud. This is a season you don't want to miss. Tickets available now. Visit lovbnab.com iheart but I did not invent it.

[C]

Put my own stamp on it. And by that I mean my balls.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[C]

Number nine, Lindsay Lohan. Or Lohan.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like she's put a few good years together now. Right?

[C]

She really has. Where do you think she's going to end up? Is she going to come out the other side of this?

[A]

I'm trying to think. So it's either od, right?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Or she does. I mean, it's not like she doesn't have, oh, I hope she finds Jesus Christ and never stops talking about Jesus Christ. I mean, like a black athlete and then starts pointing up at the sky every time she's on a talk show.

[B]

Next. Power couple.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Jerry Sandusky, number eight. Casey Anthony, number seven. Number six.

[A]

I would argue Casey Anthony's the biggest winner of the year.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, when you hear that story as that is, that story unfolded. Well, I reported my daughter was missing a month after she was missing. And then Maria Conchita Lanza Escuela Quesadilla, it's this made up chick who took her. And then, I don't know, you know what I mean? And you just looked at her and went, well, I guess she'll get life in prison. Maybe she'll get a lethal injection. And now she's, like, partying. I mean, that's it. It's a winner. I mean, you know, as the society goes, we'll move on to the next goat. You know what I'm saying? She'll dye her hair red. She'll marry some dude.

[C]

I feel like she'd go blonde before red.

[A]

She'll dye her hair blonde.

[C]

Honing in on really the point of what you're saying.

[A]

Right.

[C]

So it's gonna be blonde.

[A]

Ooh, God, this is weird. This one picture, I'm looking at her right now. Look at her mouth. Very Sarah Silverman esque.

[C]

Oh, it kind of is right there.

[A]

But I think she's the biggest winner of them all.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Well, yes, yes, because she literally seems to have gotten away with murder.

[A]

She should be in prison.

[C]

I don't get the sense she's wracked with remorse.

[A]

No.

[C]

I wonder. Sociopaths who have no conscience, like, do they truly have zero conscience? I mean, are they happy? Are they sad? Are they kind of just numb? Adam, you're one. What do you think?

[A]

I'm numb? But my problem is I overcompensate and I feel bad if anyone, you know, if I feel bad for somebody or I feel like I've done somebody wrong or I feel like they're upset at me if there's something I did. I'm actually worse in that department than other people are.

[B]

You do attempt to replicate human emotions, unlike the Cassie Anthony's problem.

[A]

We're immune. Yeah, but you're like, yeah, no, it's like, you should. Ooh. You should talk to Mike August about this, because I've been traveling around with Mike August, and just the other day when we were traveling at the airport, they did that thing where it's like, there's a. Jesus Christ. First thing. First thing we do is we go into a sports bar, and he wants to see the LSU game, so he's yelling at the poor chick who manages it. And by the way, the sports bar is pumping Lady Gaga.

[B]

And where are you, by the way? Not near lsu.

[A]

No, no. Where near lsu? I don't know where. I don't know where. What city we're in at this point, but we're in Philadelphia or Detroit. I think we're in Detroit. And he's yelling at this chick to switch it to the local CBS affiliate. And she's, like, trying to go through the DirecTV and it's channel 61 and blah, blah, blah, and it says something else, and he's yelling, leave it. And then. And she's yelling back at him. And I'm standing there, and they're pumping the fucking lady, by the way. We went to two sports bars, and each time we had to ask him to turn down the chick music. I swear to God, they're pumping the fucking chick music at the sports bar. It's really weird. When did this chick music become the soundtrack? And, I mean, there was. There was the Justin Bieber, Baby, baby. And then there was the Lady Gaga bullshit. And they're pumping it at a sports bar like, we should be listening to Leonard Skynyrd.

[C]

They should be fined.

[A]

I swear to God. Sitting around watching LSU game. This shit's just pumping. And I had to, like, tell her, could you please turn it down? It's grading. And we're the only.

[C]

This is how you lost your voice, isn't it?

[A]

Oh, my God. So then we had this great moment. All right, please. I'm gonna have a seizure. Mike is impervious to other people's emotions or what's going on around him or body language or posture or, you know, inflection or any of these. He's just impervious to all human emotions. And so we're waiting in line, we're flying Right? And we gotta go to the thing where there's, like, a line on United Airlines to get in this country kiosk thing. And there's, like. There's, like, 20 of these things across, and there's one line going down the middle. It's like, when the next one opens, like, the bank teller. Okay, that one's open circuit. That one's open. And one. We were second in line, and one opened, and the dude who was in front of us kind of hesitated. Like, he didn't make his move. And Mike just slid behind him and went to the open thing. I was sort of following. Mike's completely oblivious. The guy's kind of pissed off, like. And he's saying to the person from United, I thought I was next in line. And she's like, well, yeah, that guy was rude. He slid in front and we'll find you another one. And I was like, oh, shit. So I did what I always do is I got the fuck out of there. I just rolled my Samsonite off to the back because I can't stand being in the middle of this shit. And I rolled out of there. And Mike does what he does, which is completely impervious to everything. And he's just gonna get our boarding passes, but for some reason, they have difficulty. He never does. He always gets his boarding pass. He gets my boarding pass. Everything's all confirmed in advance or whatever. But this one fucking time, there's a problem. So I'm sitting way back by the display case of things you can't bring onto the plane, which, by the way, does possess a chainsaw. She's like, really? Really? In the last 10 years, is there someone who's tried to get a chainsaw on? Everybody's like, this is not good for carrying.

[C]

What if you put it in a giant Ziploc bag?

[B]

Most of, like, a Wile E. Coyote bomb with, like.

[A]

I swear to God, it was literally.

[C]

Literally that tnt?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, just like smoke pod canisters and stuff. Like. Just like. Are you nuts? Like, throwing stars, cans of kerosene and stuff like that. So I was like, all right. So I get the. So Mike gives the Adam Quebec. The lady needs to see your id. They didn't have your thing confirmed. I pull up. As soon as I pull up, of course, the disgruntled dude pulls up to the kiosk next to us. Now. Now, there. There is 21 kiosks, but because it's me, the one next to us opens up, and the disgruntled dude pulls up, and he's three feet away. And I say it's uncomfortable. Like the guy standing there doing his thing. Mike standing there doing his thing. And I'm standing behind him and I'm like, mike, I think you owe this guy an apology for cutting in line. And Mike, who's answering me but doing it loudly, please tell me he said, what's up? You snooze, you lose. That guy just stood there. Like he's talking about what that guy did, except where he's saying it so loud and the guy's standing, he's as close as Brian is to me. And he's like, hey, that guy. That guy just stood there. So if you're just gonna stand there, I'm going around. I mean, I gotta catch a flight. I know these guys are, by the way, they just want to complain. That's all they want to do. They just want to be a victim. I'm like, okay, this has just gotten much, much, much, much worse. Mike like a reptile. Zero, zero awareness, zero feeling, does not care.

[C]

And the guy was still angry though. Like, what was the guy doing this whole time?

[A]

The guy was a guy who probably had some of that. I want to be a victim and I want to complain to somebody about something. But Mike did cut in front of him and he was definitely within earshot of us, but he wasn't a big guy and he wasn't a confrontational guy. And he was just standing there, probably waiting for his apology. And he didn't get it from Mike. He just overheard what a douche he was.

[B]

I will say that's a little different for Mike because usually he's oblivious as opposed to, like, goes out of his way to be aggressive or assertive. Hey, Mike, you cut this guy off.

[A]

He kinda, he kinda was. Well, he was sorta like that guy stood there. So I went around.

[B]

Well, he knew what was going on.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Pretty good for him. Nice step in the right direction. Yeah, he usually doesn't know what's going on.

[C]

You know, I'm more much. I'm more like you in that a person doesn't even have to express any sort of emotion toward me. And I'm worried that somehow I have hurt them.

[A]

Oh, I was yelling back at the poor middle aged chick with the bad dye job who was trying to find the LSU game. I'm sorry. Over the fucking Lady Gaga. I was like, sorry, you know what? I'm sorry. He kids around, he's screwing around. You're fine. It's okay, it's okay. She's like, I'm just having fun. And Mike's, like, yelling back while I'm not laughing, you know, and I'm like, okay, it's cool. Cool. So fun. Yeah. Just over this, right?

[C]

That's like being the other person at a restaurant when you're with someone who's being a dick to the waiter.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That uncomfortable feeling.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, thanks for the snot rocket. My salad too.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. That's not the extra dressing I asked for, and it's not on the side. Number six, Moammar Gaddafi.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Top 10 most memorable fail, people.

[A]

Yeah, good.

[C]

Shame that he can't make a speech. Number five, Charlie Sheen.

[B]

We're saying Charlie Sheen failed more than Momar Gaddafi. Gaddafi's dead.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I don't vote. I just report.

[A]

I would argue. And besides, he's, you know, he's probably just cut a big deal with Fox. He's gonna do fine, Chuck.

[C]

Well, it's not the people that are the biggest failures. It's the biggest fail moments in terms of, like, you know, epic fail. Meme. Internet nerdistry. Number four, Rebecca Black. She's that girl who had that annoying song and that other annoying song.

[A]

Oh, she had two annoying songs.

[C]

I think she had two annoying songs.

[A]

I think they were pumping it at the Detroit sports bar I was at. Almost sure this would have. It's so weird. When did the fucking tech. It's driving me insane. When did this sort of bullshit tech gogification. When did it become the soundtrack for our lives at sports bars? For the love of Christ, Detroit sports bars. Not fucking martini bars in San Francisco. Sports bars in Detroit.

[C]

I have a question. If you walked into a bar and they weren't playing music, would you feel like they need to be playing music? Because I'm now old and my ears are sensitive, and oftentimes I think I don't really even need music.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Listen to myself worry.

[A]

I don't know. But also, I was. You know, the. The Burbank airport is quickly driving me insane because all they play is bad 80s shit, and it's always bad 80s shit. And last time I was in there, I was in the men's room and I was taking a leak, and I was hungover and I was tired and I was strung out. I was taking a piss and I was hearing Robert Palmer Simply Irresistible. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking take my head and just drown myself in this toilet.

[B]

They have a schwing in the song.

[A]

Oh. Oh, God.

[D]

How can it be permissible.

[A]

Brian Likes this music.

[C]

And Kentucky just bit his lip and rocked out in his little.

[A]

The reason he likes this music, same reason he likes. In excess. He likes music that is missing instruments. Yes. This sounds like a demo tape. It's not music. It sounds like a rough track.

[C]

Right, right. But this would be really good when we get instruments.

[A]

Yeah. I'd go, oh, once. Once we get the session guys in here. Once we get the Wrecking Crew in here, this is going to fill out nicely.

[C]

I did this on my cast. There's some hand claps in there, but once we actually get a band, it'll be so good.

[A]

Here's the swing. What is that? I don't know. I'm so glad he's gone. I'm just. He doesn't have to be dead. If someone. If he would have just made the promise not to make any more music, I would have let him live. This is so fucking bad. He's so, so bad. His music sucks so badly.

[C]

The women in the videos, hot or.

[A]

No, I hope they're all fucking OD'd on coke or died of Brittle bone disease.

[C]

Same skanks. Kim Kardashian, number three.

[A]

What did she do? Oh, she got her marriage. Yeah. She's got $85 million.

[C]

All right, Westboro Baptist Church, number two.

[A]

What's going on with the 15 minutes of fame now stretching into three and four years?

[C]

Yes. Warhol did not predict that.

[A]

No, I mean, seriously, like, you see these people, and it used to be so predictable. It was simply irresistible. No, but you would. You would. Yeah. I mean, she's so fine. I just want to know where all the money went. Right.

[C]

Probably in an offshore account.

[A]

Whoa. Yeah.

[C]

Did you want to make your point or do you want to.

[A]

The trends are a reversible. Oh, my God. What must this look like on a.

[C]

Piece of paper, this lip gloss?

[A]

Is it really just hot chicks playing? Because I don't feel like he has a band. All right. Oh, trying to piss in Burbank. And this is what I'm hearing.

[C]

You were making a point, though.

[A]

Classical music. Would you.

[C]

Which is that 15 minutes of fame have stretched into hours.

[A]

It used to be very easy to see someone like the Kardashian family and go, enjoy it now, sweet pea. Cuz it's been gone. Her fucking run is longer than Molly Ringwald's run. It was, yeah.

[C]

What do you think that's because of the Internet and social media and the fact that someone could be popular on TV and then they sort of fade from the television, but if they have A lot of online presence. Then people realize that you can still squeeze money out of them.

[A]

I think what's going on, as I've always stated, is there's so much many outlets that we need so much content that everything is a news story. And it's not just news news and world news. It's turned into gossip news. So how many gossip sort of slash celebrity slash, you know, diva sites are there on the Internet, but just on television? I mean, how many cable shows have a sort of inside Hollywood or Hollywood this or Hollywood that?

[C]

Every one of them.

[A]

There is so many outlets. And really, how many stories are there at any given time? I mean, you know, 9, 11 pops up once in a lifetime. And Pearl harbor pops up once in a lifetime. And these wars and these events and these presidential elections and these, you know, Jon Jon crash in his airplane and the space shuttle O ring goes off. These are once in a lifetime thing. And then there's sports and that kind of stuff. But we are fucking. I mean, you switch the channel, you see fat guys wearing sun visors and four sunglasses playing cards for five hours at a time. I mean, we're out of stuff to broadcast. We're officially done. We don't have anything. I mean, there's where the cupcake king comes in and the guys that go around and pick, you know, jukebox wars. Can you rebuild that jukebox? And, you know, going and finding trash pickers and you know, this stuff where it's like, oh, warehouse wars. Or we go storage container wars and stuff like that. We're out of fucking ideas. And there's 200,000 stations. And when we were growing up, or when I was growing up, there were five stations. By the way, the Indian head came on at night about midnight. And it just goes by this great poem. They'd show like an F16, 16 climbing into the sky. And he'd be in the sky, come out and you go. And then I reached out and touched the face of God. And like the American flag would show. And there'd be protests now, but. And then they'd sign off. So they'd sign off at 2 in the morning or whatever. You know, just 2am Boom. Sign off. They'd pick up again at 6am or whatever it is, Color bars. Once they went off, it'd be either an Indian head or color bars or just fuzz. And as a matter of fact, there's a Billy Joel song off of the Pretender. Or maybe it's Glass Houses. No, find the Billy Joel song, the Stranger album. There Was a Pretender album. Oh, sorry. The Stranger. Sorry. Think about the Pretenders and the Stranger. Yeah, See, Find me some Billy Joel's. You can hear the end of a. It's a good song. It never gets played on the radio. You can hear the end and then the fuzz come on. And so. All right, so there were. We'll find that there were 10, you know, there were five or six stations. They all cut off at 2am so now there's hundreds of stations and they all go 24, 7 and they need content. And thus Kim Kardashian is going to be utilized. And by the way, stories that would have formerly never been newsworthy stories. Me saying something about Chaz Bono during a stand up act or something. That's not a news story. That wouldn't have been a news story. It wouldn't have gotten around anywhere. It wouldn't have gone anywhere. Tracy Morgan saying he was going to stab his kid or whatever it was. It just wouldn't have been around. It just wouldn't have gotten around. And now. All right, let me see. Let's see. What do we got? Big shots. Am I right? Sometimes. Let's try sometimes. Sleeping with the Television On. Let's try that one. Let's try. You got Sleeping with the Television On. See if that'll do it. And I think I like sometimes a fantasy, by the way. This is a good. Here it is. Turn it up.

[B]

It's good to talk.

[A]

Yeah. All right, now let's enjoy the song. All right, keep going.

[B]

Okay, I throw a theory at you as it pertains to the 15 minutes and all the stars that are stars, I think they're filling the hole left by the absence of soap operas. Because soap operas were a really big thing for a long time, at least for a certain segment of the population. And it's gone away for the most part, or at least in terms of cultural relevancy. But there was a big part of the population that loved their stories, had to see their stories were wrapped up and bought. Magazines, dedicated. Soap Opera Digest. And this is taking the place out. This is nothing. Stories for the simple minded, right?

[A]

Yeah. Yes. The vicariously leading my life through your life.

[B]

Have you seen what Kim Kardashian's up to?

[A]

No, I haven't.

[B]

No one cares. But you care a lot.

[A]

And it's almost as much bullshit. It's a good song. Almost as much bullshit or just sort of drama and creative license in what they're producing as the telenovelas. I mean, these marriages and these setup situations. Yes, Right.

[C]

Think for yourself. But are you guys gonna try on Kristen Stewart's engagement gown?

[A]

Yes, I am.

[C]

You know, you can go try on. You know, Bella.

[A]

That's the captain from Star Trek.

[C]

That's right. So the number one.

[A]

All right, turn it up a little. I gotta. Hold on. I gotta. I gotta bleach some of that Robert Palmer out of my brain. This is. Must have been a trend back then. Little played Billy Joel song.

[C]

Did you want to know what the number one most memorable fail person is? Congress. Look who's political. Petty, lofty political. All right, going to do one more story. An important breaking news story. Adam and Brian, you will soon, if not already be able to get Girl Scout cookie flavored lip balm.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Because you might have chapped lips and want Girl Scout cookies.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

They will be sold in the following flavors. Thin mints, trefoils, chocolate peanut butter or Tagalongs peanut butter. Or do Si Dos and coconut caramel stripes, which are Samoas.

[B]

That's really, really smart.

[A]

If these are. If this. If I see my son anywhere near one of those trefoils, I'll fucking slap it right out of his face.

[C]

Not because of the lip gloss, but because of the flavor.

[A]

Yes. Because when you have the. You have the Samoas over there and you got the peanut butter one.

[B]

Wait, though. In terms of just flavor, not actual cookie, the trefoil's not bad. The store of shortbread flavor, it's the lacking in the actual cookie that's the problem with it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Maybe it's a good substitute. He can eat the real cookies, you know, the Samoans, but go with the truffle. Whatever.

[C]

That's interesting. Yes. Okay, of those five in cookie form, which would you choose?

[A]

Now I have to hear sometimes a fantasy by Billy Joel.

[C]

By the way, figuring out the relation between cookie and lip gloss.

[A]

Tangent. Well, the chocolate peanut butter one is always. You can't go wrong with the chocolate and peanut butter. It's almost cheating. It's like writing a dieting book. It's cheating. You know what I mean? You're gonna sell copies, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You write a book that says, you know, lose 30 pounds in 30 days or, you know, lose 10 pounds now or whatever. Lose 10 pounds and eat whatever you want.

[C]

Or. Or it's like making a sex tape. People are gonna watch it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So I think what you're saying is chocolate peanut butter tagalong lip gloss is like making a sex t. Well, I'll.

[A]

Tell you what happens. All this sounds like a great plan. And this Is awesome. And it's gonna. It's gonna be great. And they're gonna sell millions.

[C]

Lip gloss we're talking about.

[A]

Yeah. Until somebody just overdoes it with the peanut butter chocolate and they're out for a jog. And a fucking mountain lion just dives on their head, just attracted by the scent of the peanut butter, just pounces on their head.

[C]

Chunky kid in school. It doesn't have to be a mountain lion.

[A]

Yeah. Just some ravenous, chunky kid in school.

[C]

Or not even a chunk. Someone who's on the Atkins diet and is like, I smell carbs.

[A]

It just goes at them like that monkey went at that chick's face. It was on Oprah.

[C]

Yes, Yes.

[A]

I don't know if she was booked before the face thing and then the face thing happened or if it was fortuitous because of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Well, anyway, you can become a target for hungry people by spending $5 at Walmart or Claire's. And then in 2012, these will be available in the liquid lip gloss version too.

[A]

Don't we have enough trouble with pedophilia, you know, without. Without me, like, looking at my daughter and going, you're lucky daddy wasn't drinking tonight. I'll be all over you. I mean, especially the Samoas. You know what I mean?

[B]

What nut is this? Not drinking?

[C]

Yeah, this is a. This is hypothetically. You're right. I wonder why there isn't, like, man repellent lip gloss or father repellent lip gloss.

[A]

Yeah, there should be.

[C]

What would it be, though?

[A]

What would it smell like?

[C]

Yeah. Celery vitamins.

[A]

It would smell like Robert Palmer for me, but that's just me.

[C]

It smell like other men.

[A]

No, it would. You would have to get. You'd have to get Chris Hansen, and you'd have to get his pheromones.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And that would just immediately ward off the pedophiles. Like, they know. It would smell like another level. Yeah. I take it you're a virgin. Smell like the Fresno pd.

[C]

Oh, they are particularly brutal pd.

[A]

All right, I've had enough Billy Joel. This one doesn't hold up so well. We cool?

[C]

Yes. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Tip it, cunt.

[A]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Ah, yes. Go to meeting. Everybody. Go to meeting. Holiday weather a little rough out there, man? Snowing, snowy, windy, man. It's rough. You don't want to go out there. Stay at home. Work from your home. Gotomeeting. Brought to you by Citrix. You can host meetings Online from your computer. While attendees those be your friends and business partners, join on their iPad, iPhone, Android, whatever they like, download the free app and start joining or hosting. GoToMeeting. It's easy, super easy. And you get it for 45 days free. Not 30 days. 45 days. That's like a month and a half. It's just like a month and a half. It's a 45 day free trial. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use a promo code. Adam, I gotta say, even if I wasn't, if I didn't have a business, I'd just do this. Just to get all my friends together on the same iPad and be screwing.

[C]

Around and not have to be in person though.

[A]

Yes, I like that. All right, Jill Zarin is out there. What can Adam complain about? All right, let's wanna do that.

[B]

It's via Twitter, so you wanna.

[A]

All right, via Twitter.

[B]

So you want me to fire off the intro?

[A]

Yeah, go ahead. Stuff. The world is full of it and one man can complain about it all this is what can't Adam complain about? All right, we have the Twitter version. Shall I read them off? I'll just start on the holiday theme, by the way.

[B]

Holiday theme?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, just pick any one you want. How about. Oh, I see they're not on the phone. Yeah, line one at the top there. Eggnog. Eggnog. First off, eggnog. The most homoerotic of all the holiday drinks, wouldn't you say? Sure, it'd be a nice joke. I would, you know, be an awesome joke. I'd throw a holiday party and I'd be like, hey, Alice, listen, come to the bathroom with me for a second. I want to show you this scented candle. And then you'd walk into the bathroom with me and I'd dip my hand into the eggnog and I'd flick it on your black dress and on your face. And then I would walk out of the bathroom zipping my pants up and I'd dab some water on my forehead. I'd be like, oh, wow, wow. Has anyone got any Pedialyte? So I gotta replenish some fluids. And then you'd come walking out with the nog dripping down ya. That'd be awesome, wouldn't it?

[C]

I love the idea that ascended candle is what would get me into the bathroom though. Oh my God, they're from Yankee Candle.

[A]

If I just said I just light a huge shit, I want you to come in here, you wouldn't do it. Would you?

[C]

No.

[A]

All right, well, that's. That's. That's why I'm thinking fast. But also, I like the eggnog, because eggnog. Wait, am I complaining about eggnog? I'll tell you what I like about eggnog. Eggnog will devour whatever booze you put near it. You can take a whole bottle of rum, fifth of rum. Just take one eye drop of eggnog and drop it into the rum, and then take a big swig off the rum and go, I can't taste a rum. It tastes like just eggnog for me. It's really. It's really good for what ails you. You know what? I'm not complaining about eggnog. I like eggnog. I will say this. Hold on. I think if you ask nine out of 10 doctors, what would be. What would they rather their patients do? Go out to their car, tear open their car battery and drink the contents of the car battery or have a quart of eggnog? I think 9 out of 10 doctors, they consume the car battery. At least. That'll clean you out. It's got to be the world's worst thing to drink. But it's the numbiest. And it's the only time somebody has ever said this. Where's the nutmeg? Because that, that, that sentence has never been uttered. No one has ever said, hey, man, where's the nutmeg? Hey, as long as you're up, could you grab the nutmeg? It's not. They. Oh, hey, Allison, if you're getting the Tabasco over there, I need some nutmeg. There's nutmeg. Goes on nothing. The people who invented nutmeg are fucking nuts. Maybe it's a nutty chick named Meg. The point is with this. This doesn't go on quesadillas. You know what I mean? Like, if you're making Tabasco or ketchup, you're like, this is good, because we can put Tabasco on eggs. We can put on Mexican food. We can put people put on burgers. They're putting it in shot glasses and putting, you know, putting vodka in there. I mean, you go anywhere this. What's they talking about?

[C]

Nutmeg.

[A]

Oh, nutmeg. Yeah. Nutmeg Goes nowhere. Goes nowhere. Except for eggnog, which goes nowhere either. I mean, when it. Talk about niche, that is. What. Who sells this stuff? How much of it do they sell? Who uses it?

[C]

If they joined forces, they'd be a monopoly.

[A]

But it's the only time anyone Ever says, hey, man, where's that nutmeg? And it needs it. I don't know why it improves it so much. If you put nutmeg on a Denver omelette, it'd just be annoying, right? Why does it. Why does it help? Just this one thing. Nutmeg on a beer, champagne. Nothing annoying but eggnog. Pow. Bam, boom. To the moon. What? Why? I don't know. The object of this game. Who. Who cares? All right, I'm done. My voice is shot.

[C]

It's a nog catalyst.

[A]

That was. What can't Adam complain about? Yeah, Nog. All right. Jill Zarin.

[B]

I think eggnog won.

[A]

I know. Jill Zarin, my favorite real housewife from New York. She's out of there this season, man. We'll get to the. We'll get to skinny. We'll talk to her next. Yeah. Back with Jill Zarin, my new best friend. Real Housewives of New York City. Not in season five.

[D]

Nope.

[A]

She's doing her own thing. I met her when I was out in New York doing Andy Cohen show. We came on together, and we had a delightful time, didn't we? Yeah.

[D]

I know it doesn't sound like me, everyone, but it is me. I lost my voice because I was hanging in a sports bar trying to.

[A]

Talk over Lady Gaga.

[D]

Trying to talk over Lady Gaga.

[A]

What do you. Jill is now. Are you not in season five? Because you don't. I'm gonna fired. Do you not want to be in season five, or did they not want you to be in season five?

[D]

They fired me.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[D]

They fired me, Alex, Kelly, and Cindy.

[A]

Why they fire everybody call Angie Cohn. Oh, really?

[D]

I don't know why. I really don't know why.

[A]

Well, the show was doing gangbusters, right?

[D]

Yeah. Ratings were up. Everything was great. I think they just wanted to change it, and I think they might have been saying to the other housewives, you know, if you think we can't live without you, we can.

[A]

Mm.

[D]

I know. I sound so weird right now.

[A]

No.

[C]

So who's left? Who was left then?

[D]

Ramona and Ramona and Sonya and Luann. I just have to ask Alison something. Allison, what do you think of the reading material in the ladies room here? Have you noticed?

[C]

Oh, that's my own collection. Yeah, that was my own collection of porn for men that I brought in. Well, from 19.

[D]

I just want to know.

[C]

99.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The thing is that everything in there has naked women, but articles about Adam in it too, I think.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. There's a lot of A lot of stuff.

[D]

She's there in the middle of the night.

[A]

Luann's the Countess, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then.

[D]

But they brought on a princess now.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Yes. So it'll be interesting to see the competition between the Countess and the princess now.

[A]

Were you guys getting demanding? Did you want raises? Is that why? Are they just really just.

[D]

No, in fact, this year they were finally paying. You know what though? It's. What's meant to be is meant to be. And I want to move to la.

[A]

Oh, you do?

[D]

I like it out here.

[A]

We gotta do a TV show now. You got a clothing line, Squeeze Couture, is that right?

[D]

Oh, oh, look, it's so hot in here.

[A]

Is that what you're wearing?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's one of your things. Available at stores such as Lord and Taylor Macy's. Is it Von Muir, Von Mauer. Do not know them like Nordstrom in the Midwest. So for you, the show launched. It's good for you to launch a lot of your products.

[D]

It's gonna be on HSN February 10th. That's like the biggest thing of my life.

[A]

It is. It was good, right?

[D]

It's fantastic. I would be here.

[A]

How did it come about? How did they find you?

[D]

411?

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah, I swear to God. They were. Bravo had a show called the Real Housewives of Orange County.

[A]

Right.

[D]

But this wasn't called the Real Housewives of New York. It was called Manhattan Moms. I'm really sorry about my voice.

[A]

Sorry.

[D]

At least it's coming out. 10 minutes ago there was nothing coming out. And they, they hired a production company, Shed Media, and they said, we want to cast five women who are rich moms living in New York City, who are hopefully friends with each other, but not a requirement. But it would be better if they're connected. Go find them, get us casting tapes. So they didn't know what to do. In fact, I found out later on they were like 22 year old interns Resistance. Who work in a pit in one of these LA offices, which I, you know, I'm imagining some guy in a big office, you know, the cigar in his mouth, making phone calls and it's like a kid who's got a headphone on. Who's in with those half walls. What do they call those?

[A]

Cubicles?

[D]

Cubicle. Like 30 guys, you know, girls calling. So this, he found me online. He went to a website called New York Social Diary to look for women who were attractive with kids. And I went to a charity event with my then 12 year old daughter. No it was after she was bat mitzvah, a 14 year old daughter at a charity event. And they called 411 and looked up my name.

[A]

And that's how you got onto the Real Housewives.

[D]

My name is James Davis. Hi, James, if you're listening. And he was British. My name is James Davis. I'm calling from Ricochet Television. We're looking for moms to be on a new reality show based in New York City. And we produce Supernanny. If you're interested, call us. And that was it.

[A]

And that's how you got on the book, by the way, Secrets of a Jewish Mother. I seen an episode or two where you were with your mom and you were with your sister. And when I did Andy Cohen, you were there with your daughter and your husband, and your husband's with you now. And I have the opposite with my family. I have no family.

[D]

That's not true. You have Lynette.

[A]

My family, my wife and my kids, I'm very close with. Oh my God. It's exciting very much. But my dad and my mom and my sister, my grand. We just never had any family. And why, how come Jews got that one down so well? What is it that goes through, what is it that is inherent in that culture that keeps everyone stuck together?

[D]

It's like Italians too.

[A]

No, but it is and it isn't. I always say Jews are like smart Italians, but Italians are like good looking Jews. But it makes sense.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

About the good looking Italian couple.

[A]

All right, I know who are the.

[C]

Beautiful people in this room.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

By and large. By and large. If you had.

[D]

Everybody thinks you're Jewish who doesn't know you, I thought you were Jewish.

[A]

The problem here's what it is. When I worked construction, not a human being thought I was Jewish ever. As soon as I got into comedy. Everyone thinks you're Jewish. So a lot of it is what you do for a living. And if you tell jokes, you sound Jewish. I, I do because I complain a lot.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

But when I was complaining on the construction site, no one said, you Jews never stop. But to be fair to them, they never didn't know what Jews were like. There was never never a Jew on a construction site. We would do their houses, but there was never one that was.

[D]

Well, we hired you.

[A]

Yeah, you hired us. But there's no way you're messing around with the stucco. That's for the goyem, as you would say. But my dad's family is full blooded Italian and I was just out in Philadelphia And I went to his old house in South Philly and this, that and the other. And I realized I never met his. I never even saw Ralph or Mario, his brothers. They never came out here. He never went back. Why? The Jews are so tight.

[D]

They are, but not all Jews are. And not all Italians aren't.

[A]

No, no, I know. I know people. Italians normally, traditionally are, but Jews, I feel like they do.

[D]

I'll adopt you. By the way, if you meet Gloria within five minutes, she'll invite you to Boca.

[A]

Oh, I'd like that.

[D]

Yeah, she'll invite you.

[A]

Is that Florida?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, Good. To make sure it wasn't just some horrific board game.

[D]

Oh, no, it's beautiful.

[A]

No, no, I get it. I'm driving to Florida. I think that Jews. Don't let me put words in your mouth. But they're smart because they get together, they stay together, they work hard, they're family oriented, and they move ahead. And some of the beefs that people have with Jews is really just envy. Just pure and simple. Like, they just. Every Jewish family I knew in high school, their parents were together and their kid went to college, and all the goy families, and not to mention all the other ethnicities, everyone was broken up and nobody went to college.

[D]

Well, there's plenty of divorced people and, you know, who are Jewish. But there is that reputation. There is a rep. It's a reputation. Not necessarily true.

[A]

Well, no, no. It's earned.

[D]

And a lot of Jewish families who are successful monetarily, people hate because they've been successful and they happen to be.

[A]

Jewish, and they include.

[D]

It's called anti Semitism, by the way.

[A]

What I think. What I think it is is. It's. It's envy. Because, you see, I mean, it ends up being. You. Ends up being anti Semitic, right? But we would.

[D]

Jealousy, really, right?

[A]

It starts off with, why do you have all that money and why are you guys still together?

[D]

The Jews, you know, owned the stores and the banks, right? And it was really, I think, jealousy.

[A]

It always is. It always is. And so they go, fuck it. We're gonna throw bricks through your window.

[D]

And we're take your business and your money and we're gonna kill you, right?

[A]

And the Jews, fuck it. We'll go somewhere else and we'll regroup. And they always.

[D]

But they always survive, don't they?

[A]

No, listen, I just want to make.

[D]

The reason why education's so important to Jews is because it's portable. It's something you take with you. So if you. If you get thrown out of a Country. You have your brains.

[A]

Yeah. You guys.

[D]

And that's why the Jews are so. So into education.

[A]

You do a lot of fleeing your people? We're always running somewhere and then they come over here.

[D]

We never lose weight. We never lose any weight.

[A]

They kick all the Jews out, and then they come over here and they build atomic bombs. See, it's not good thinking. That's why I always keep a handful of Jews behind. Make me a bomb, Jewy. That's my thing.

[D]

Are we neuroscience? I think we're so good at science. I guess Einstein was Jewish.

[A]

Yeah. You guys see the pro. The thing is, you guys excel, you know, not so much at sports, but you have many different subjects. Many different subjects, I think.

[D]

But you are a man's man. Bobby's a ladies man.

[A]

Bobby's your husband.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

He could care less about sports.

[A]

What does he care about?

[D]

Me. Seriously.

[A]

I know, but what would he tell me if he had two beers?

[D]

He'd still say me.

[A]

Oh, okay, let's say you weren't sitting with us and he had five beers.

[D]

No, he's still saying.

[C]

Okay, let's say you're across the country and he's throwing up so drunk. What's he saying?

[D]

Bobby, you can hear me right now. He won't be on. On the show, but can you come to the window of Malvit?

[C]

Well, he cares about fabric, right? Don't you have a fabric store?

[D]

He doesn't really care. Bobby cares about having a good time.

[A]

Really? Yep. That's it. Living life and being dapper.

[D]

He does look good.

[A]

Does he wear, like, a vest and spats, like, to the pool?

[D]

No, no, no, he never wears a vest. But he always has nice shoes, a nice jacket. Yeah, he's very manicured.

[C]

Was he like this when you met him?

[D]

Yes, that's why I loved him. I mean, that's what I fell in love with. He was so manicured and handsome.

[A]

Yeah. You don't look at that.

[D]

That's a great shot.

[A]

Over compensation.

[D]

I'm loving these pictures. I love you. Yeah, I'm loving these pictures.

[A]

Probably, Gary. So the point is, is you met him because his cuticles were pushed.

[D]

Yeah. He's very, very clean.

[A]

Now, what did Bobby. What did Bobby do before he met you?

[D]

Stock. He was into real estate, stock market, all that stuff.

[A]

He's like a. He's a businessman.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're a businesswoman.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And together you've created an empire.

[D]

Well, he's sort of half retired. He is just watching me do my thing. Very.

[A]

Oh, that's why? He's into you. Yeah. He just better be into you. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. No, he just likes to be. I don't know. He likes to be tortured. I literally torture him every day.

[A]

He doesn't have. He's not into cars.

[D]

He likes. Loves cars.

[A]

Does he have some cool cars?

[D]

He used to. And then when we sold our house, we sold our cars, but he had Ferraris. He's a Ferrari family. He doesn't like Lamborghinis.

[A]

What the fuck?

[D]

That's what I said.

[A]

Why doesn't he like Lamborghinis?

[D]

I think it's racist.

[A]

Yeah, I do. I gotta talk to him because you.

[D]

Should talk to him.

[A]

Yeah, there's some cool old.

[D]

If we move out here, will you take him to get a car?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Seriously.

[A]

Take him for a ride in a Lamborghini.

[D]

No, he wants to buy a car. Will you help him pick out something?

[A]

Yeah. You guys gonna move out here?

[D]

I think so. Part time.

[A]

Mm. Why? Why Hollywood?

[D]

I want to get out of the winters in New York, and it's either Boca or la.

[A]

And what kind of show would you and I do? And what. What did you pitch to me?

[D]

Well, by the way, you think you're the funny one. I thought I was the funny one and you were the straight one.

[A]

You pitch. That was not your pitch, Jill, I swear.

[D]

I'm the funny one.

[A]

What was your pitch?

[D]

Ask anybody.

[A]

You told me to ask your husband if you were funny.

[D]

I'm really funny, I swear to God. Well, no, I think we would have a great, like, advice talk show, but you handle the men and I handle the women, so. Actually, I can handle the men, too. And you can handle love problems for girls who can't find a guy. I can handle. Why the guy's a loser and can't get the girl.

[A]

You see the side effect? Syndicated daytime thing.

[D]

Yeah, it's a hit. I agree. Do you agree you and I had great chemistry?

[A]

Yes, we did.

[D]

Don't worry, Lynette.

[A]

We were drunk.

[D]

A little drunk. You were drunk. I don't drink.

[A]

Oh, you don't drink? I was drunk.

[D]

You were drunk.

[A]

They keep filling. I was drinking Mangria, and they keep.

[D]

We had a good time that night. Yeah, that was a great episode.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Look, and I was wearing a great dress.

[A]

Andy Cohen almost wore socks. It was that good an episode. And he told me he'd get shit faced at those things. Like he had to tell him to mellow out with the booze because you just keep filling your cup up.

[D]

Yeah, he likes. He got it. He got his show congratulations to Anti Cohn five nights a week.

[A]

Oh, the gays must be rioting in.

[D]

The streets they're riding. He's a riot. He is.

[A]

I love turning over miatas.

[D]

He's got really funny skits. I love his skits.

[A]

Lighting island's on fire. Chelsea. Yes.

[D]

She cut back on her skits. I'm a little upset with her.

[A]

Chelsea cut back.

[D]

I feel like there aren't as many skits on her show anymore.

[A]

I just read she's cut back 22% on her skits.

[D]

Did you really? No, but after lately.

[A]

Shit about Chelsea. Hannah. But after.

[D]

Lately is like a skit show.

[A]

Uh huh. So she should be doing more skits.

[D]

I love that. After.

[C]

Would your show have skits?

[D]

Have you watched after lately?

[A]

No, but should we do skits? Definitely.

[D]

No, no, but definitely skits. You gotta do skits.

[C]

Would you also do bits of sketches?

[A]

Bits or skits?

[C]

What is a skit?

[D]

Yeah, you gotta do skits.

[A]

Skits. Yeah, but we have reoccurring things.

[D]

Yeah, I kind of like the topic that you just had about complaints. You could do a whole complaint.

[A]

You want to do one?

[D]

I have so many complaints I don't even know where to start.

[A]

We can throw. We gotta throw it up there. We gotta throw. We'll throw up a holiday one up there.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

You gotta pull one. I'll get ready with the bell. And one man be better than me. Complain about it all.

[C]

And you have a complaint about it.

[D]

Oh, I have a complaint all right.

[A]

Drunk women at a company Christmas party.

[D]

Why would a guy complain about that?

[C]

That's the challenge. See, Adam, people send in things they don't think Adam can complain about. But because he's such a master complainer, they'll be like puppies and then he'll come. Or blow jobs or something that they don't think he can complain about. And then he does.

[D]

I'll give you white to complain about. She'll pass out before, you know, she puts out.

[A]

Uhuh. Thank you. I keep. No, that's not enough. No, you got to do a solid.

[C]

That's good.

[A]

No, listen, don't do that chew pride thing with her. Just cuz you're in the same tribe. No, I need a solid five minutes.

[D]

Oh, five.

[A]

I did a nice solid for three minutes because we're doing a show together.

[D]

No, but I have. But that's not what I want to complain about.

[A]

Well, see, that's not how it works. You got to complain about what they.

[C]

Give with the audience being totally anti semitic. What do you Want to complain about?

[A]

Yeah, what do you want?

[D]

I was in a store today, and it was a sign that said sale up to 60% off. Everything underneath. It was not on sale.

[A]

What the.

[D]

And I said to the woman very nicely, I said, listen, I used to work in a retail store, and if you have a sign over something that says sale and it's not on sale, you have to give it to me. And I don't think it's a law, like, if it's signed sale. So she, instead of saying to me, listen, you know, it was a mistake, and, you know, obviously it was a mistake, whatever. She was, like, really rude to me. She takes the sign, like, off it and moves it to the next thing. And it was like.

[A]

Like.

[D]

You don't think when I walk out, you're gonna put the sign back, someone's gonna sue them, and they're gonna have to pay millions of dollars. You could. I'm telling you, there were losses.

[C]

Or do you not want to say.

[A]

This is not helping the stereotype of the Jewish consumer, by the way. It's like complaining about, why is it a Jewish thing?

[D]

It's called getting what I. It set sail. I went. I tried it on. I would have bought it, but not at full price.

[A]

But don't they. Don't you worry that people know who you are now? And when you're bitching about stuff, I don't really care.

[D]

And you know what? I think Page Six is putting out something tomorrow on me. And you know what? I don't really care.

[A]

What do you think it is?

[D]

Oh, I know what it is. Oh, they called today. It's not true. Well, it's half true. Last week was my birthday, and my assistant, without me knowing, called up a few people who have sent me stuff in the past, said, hey, it's Jill's birthday, if you want to send her anything. I want to surprise her and send her a bunch of stuff for things that she loves. It's not that big a deal. So they got the story that I called up to get free stuff. First of all, so what if I did? I promote a lot of products, and I have a lot of, you know, it's not.

[A]

Oh, I see. What?

[D]

It's not public anyway. What? They sent me some makeup or whatever, and it was a nice thing. So I said, just make sure you spell my name right and that you promote the companies that sent me stuff, and I'm all good, right?

[A]

60% off or they send it to you for free.

[D]

They sent it for free. Did you ever get anything for free, Adam?

[A]

Yeah, I get the occasional. Yeah, I get the occasional thing for free.

[C]

That's a lot of bathrobes.

[D]

Yeah, so what's wrong with that? Yeah, is that a problem?

[A]

I got a celebrity. I got a fire suit for free that cost me $1,300. But that's a long story.

[C]

You have a wiener mobile. Did you pay for that?

[A]

Oh, no, I didn't pay for my wiener mobile. Yeah, as a celebrity, you get a lot of crap.

[D]

And you know what? So what?

[A]

And people. When I. When I. When I travel around, people give me a lot of stuff for the kids and a lot of. They give me a lot of nut based products.

[D]

No, but they think that's a story. So I said I'm flattered that I'm so relevant that you want to write about the fact that my assistant called to get me some free stuff. Whoopee.

[A]

Yeah. Now people think what they want to think. You want to try another one? Are you good? 60% off.

[D]

I think you can do better. You think I could do better?

[C]

I mean, you can do another one at least.

[A]

Oh, come on, don't be rough. But again, we're gonna be doing a.

[D]

Show about anything there.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna be doing. We're doing a daily show. Do we have any music? By the way, she's Jewish.

[B]

There's honey ham is up there.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. Ham, swine. Swine. Yeah, Honey ham.

[D]

And we're supposed to complain about it. So the name is so. So hold on.

[A]

Let's get the music going. Hold on.

[D]

If you're a ham man, you shouldn't be eating honey ham.

[C]

Do you like that?

[A]

I need five solid minutes. I need a material.

[D]

I can't even talk.

[A]

A material. All right.

[C]

Can you complain about reality shows?

[D]

Absolutely. So half of them are fake and scripted. And how much.

[A]

How cooked is the. Is the Real Housewives?

[D]

I think it's all. I think all reality shows are getting more cooked. I think they start out real, and as time goes on, sure, they run out of real material and they start making the stuff up.

[A]

How big a douchebag is Simon?

[D]

As big as you want him to be.

[A]

Wow. That guy, I. He was in my apartment, you know, he really.

[C]

When I lived in Brooklyn, I had Alex and Simon on my show that I used to do out of my living room.

[A]

Oh, you.

[C]

Oh, yeah, you.

[D]

Do I know your name now. Simon face, because I never met you.

[A]

Simon was in your apartment with Alex. And what kind of he. Who the hell is Simon? He's One of the husbands.

[C]

They were actually. Of course, they were friendly and they were funny. I think they had just come from a party and drunk. I think that some alcohol had.

[A]

I like the fact that he's an alcoholic, but that's the only thing.

[C]

And Simon was very outgoing, charismatic, and the kind of thing where I was like, actually, of the two of them, if I were to meet them at a party, I would think he's the one that would be on tv.

[D]

I liked him more than her, but he. After the show was over, I called them, I emailed them, and I said, you know what? Show's over. Drama's over. If you need anything, I'm here. You know, like, if you want to do. If I get an appearance. And they asked more housewives, you know, we go. They never responded. And I went on Good Morning America on my, like, goodbye tour to say goodbye. And they called afterwards because they were jealous, but I did it. They called after they put him on, and he badmouths me for no reason. He says that I'm still in high school. It's like, the show's over, the drama's over. Why are you doing that, Simon? It just makes you look bad.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, he is. He's a snappy dresser, but not in the way Bobby is. Bobby's dapper, by the way. Garish.

[D]

Thanks for getting dressed up for me today. I appreciate that.

[A]

I just want you to know I'm not a snappy dresser.

[C]

Hey, at least you wear pants.

[A]

All right, Allison, you got a little more news to do, by the way. I do, by the way. And, Jill, you hang in and jump in. And again, if we're gonna do this show together, I need to you. I need to feel you rolling with these news stories, because we're doing the show every day, okay? And I don't do it every day. Yeah, I don't know if it's Jill and Ace in the morn or something, you know, we'll work on the title, you know.

[D]

Oh, you could go first.

[A]

Hot cup of Jill. Hot cup of Jill with the Ace man. You know, Side of Ace With a side Ace. I like Ace over easy. Hot cup of Jill with Ace. Over easy.

[D]

Easy.

[A]

All right. Hot cup of Jill with Ace. Over easy. And it's going to be syndicated, so it'd be on from 9:00am Till, you know, noon all around the country. Hot cup of Jill with Ace.

[D]

Have you spoken to your agent yet?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Liar.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

He's lying with his eyes.

[A]

Oh, not about that.

[C]

We talk to him all the time.

[A]

Yeah, I spoke to him. We talk about Jon Stewart? No.

[D]

Who is your agent?

[A]

James Baby Doll Dixon. Hot cup of Jill with Ace over easy in the morning. And then we just come out every morning and we're peppy, man, you know, And I'm dressed. I'm having Bobby dress me.

[D]

Oh, Bobby's good.

[A]

We'll take a dress. And we're sitting on stools, so. But it's kind of.

[D]

I'll get you some free clothes.

[A]

Yeah, I want some free. And we sit on. We sit on our stools.

[D]

Did anyone laugh at that? That is so funny. I just said that.

[C]

I laughed.

[A]

I laughed inside. And that's gonna be your thing. Did anyone laugh at that?

[C]

Oh, yeah. That's good.

[A]

And then we're gonna have. Yeah, this is gonna be our song, by the way. And we're gonna come down and we're gonna have our super gay producer, Derek. And he's never gonna think anything's fine, but it's gonna see him shaking his head all the time. And he's. He always wears his suffering.

[C]

Derek.

[A]

He wears a different color sweater. He's your producer every day, Derek. No, no.

[C]

You haven't hired him yet.

[A]

Oh, we have no cup of chill and ASO raisy.

[D]

So we're making his name up.

[A]

Well, we're gonna cast him. He's not really gonna produce the show.

[C]

His real name is Gregory.

[A]

Right. Okay. And we. And we sit on stools. Loose sight.

[D]

But it has to be. I have a back.

[A]

Yeah, have a back for sure. But it'll be loose sight. And then. And then cushion.

[C]

And you have hot cup of Joe with Ace on the side. Mugs you drink out of.

[A]

Right. And we do a bit called where the Heck is Bobby? And we send them all around the world.

[D]

You know, Bobby sleeping.

[A]

And that's the Joe. That's a joke. Every time we find out he's just asleep. Turns out he's at home asleep.

[D]

He's not listening.

[A]

You see, we get sponsored trouble. You and I are doing our thing.

[D]

He's supposed to say he's in a meeting.

[A]

Jill, what's in the news today? What's going on out there?

[D]

Well, Herman McCain. Oh, Herman McCain today.

[A]

Oh, man, that's good stuff.

[D]

Isn't there something interesting that he shares a name with the other McCains?

[A]

Just.

[D]

Just.

[A]

Yeah, Little note. How about the fact that there's a guy named Mitt and a guy named Newt and they're running against each other?

[C]

They should be on the same team.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just for protection.

[A]

Mitt and Newt. It's a weird thing that we got a president with.

[D]

I'm not happy. I'm not happy with any of them.

[A]

This is good. This kind of hot talk will laugh. Like, what's the problem? They're all, you know, Newt's coming out on Friday. You can tell him yourself.

[D]

What?

[A]

See? No, no. We're doing the show, baby.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, Newt's coming on Friday.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, I have to tell you, I'm leaning towards Donald Trump.

[A]

Will you tell Newt that to his face when he comes out on Friday?

[D]

No problem. And I'll also ask him if he could take me shopping at Tiffany's.

[A]

He agreed to play a round of wearing.

[D]

You know about Tiffany's. He has $175,000 line of credit at Tiffany's. So I'd like him to take me shopping.

[A]

Yeah, see, that'd be funny. Bring that up. Okay. Yeah, have a producer write that down. Well, have Newt already agreed to play a round of where the Heck is Bobby? Celebrity Edition. Politician.

[D]

Some friends who are politicians. Charlie Crist is a good friend of mine. He was the governor of Florida.

[A]

We'll book him.

[D]

Well, definitely. Oh, yeah, and my sister, by the way, Lisa Wexler started her new show today.

[A]

She's a radio talent.

[D]

Yeah, she's radio in Connecticut. Congratulations. Lisa Wexler.

[A]

You know what? What we'll do is, you know, but we won't go. It won't be all politics. It'll be a hot talk.

[D]

Gotta do a little Kardashian gossip, all that.

[A]

Oh, yeah, a little gossip. Little.

[D]

I think I saw Kim yesterday.

[A]

That's good. That's good. That's good.

[D]

I do. And I think we could do, like, ask people to call in to look for people.

[A]

Where's Kim?

[D]

Where's Kim?

[A]

She's with Bobby. Bobby's banging the bejesus out of Kim.

[D]

Not his.

[A]

Not good.

[D]

He likes Jewish girls.

[A]

It's good that he says that. He does. That's a good angle. That's when there's a super hot chick, you can't say she's not hot. Like, if you go, she's a pig, no one's going to believe you. But you go, not my type.

[D]

No, not his type.

[A]

By the way, I will fuck outside of my type. I'm just putting it out there. Do you know what I'm saying?

[D]

Yeah, I'll be sure I haven't.

[A]

Lynette know that Kim Kardashian. No, I'm saying I have. We all have our type.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Then there's super hot versions that Aren't in our.

[D]

Bobby, come in here.

[A]

I want to go outside of that group.

[D]

You go outside your type.

[C]

It's not to be boxed in.

[D]

Maybe after like 10 open, he might have to tend to kill us.

[A]

All right.

[D]

He'll pass out before he gets there.

[A]

So again, save it all for the show and the Where's Bob? It's gonna be awesome. Hot cup of Joe with Ace over E, by the way.

[D]

Great picture of me.

[A]

Great picture.

[D]

Nice photoshopped waist, right?

[A]

Yeah. Looking good.

[D]

Looking hot.

[A]

Looking hot. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Nice photoshop.

[A]

I'll be dapperly dressed. It's gonna be good.

[C]

You look good.

[A]

It's a morning show, so I won't go.

[D]

By the way, whose body is that?

[A]

I won't go too.

[D]

Is that your body?

[A]

Is that my body?

[D]

Did they put your head on that?

[C]

That's him, I think.

[A]

Yeah. I'm just wearing a suit.

[C]

Is that you?

[A]

Yeah. I thought maybe they turned your head.

[D]

And put it on someone else.

[A]

No, you look good. Thank you.

[D]

You do.

[A]

Hot cup of Ace and. Wait a minute. Hot cup of Jill.

[D]

This is the question, what's Lynette's type? Does she like this look or does she like that look?

[A]

Oh, I'm sure she'd like anything but this look.

[D]

So you see, you're not. You're not trying. We're going to have to talk about that.

[A]

Yeah. Lack of effort is sort of what I love going.

[D]

We're going to get into the marriage. It's going to be a great show.

[C]

That's his brand.

[A]

Let's do a little more. The rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[C]

Tyra Banks went on Larry King's CNN special Dinner with the Kings, along with Conan O', Brien, Seth MacFarlane, Shayla O', Neal, Quincy Jones, and Russell Brand. And on this show, she said that the way she came off on America's Next Top Model was just a character she was playing. And I could quote her, but instead we could just watch her saying, this.

[A]

This gonna be super blowhardy. Should we buckle up for blowhard?

[C]

I think we should buckle up and we should also tear down.

[D]

You're not a fan of Tara.

[A]

She's a wild blowhard. She's an insane blowhard like herself. She's an exquisite blowhard. I know it very well because.

[D]

How well?

[A]

Well, I used to have a boxing trainer, and this guy trained her, too. And this guy would take pictures all, you know, Matt Damon and the people he trained. And then he'd ask if you could put it up on the wall. You know, and he'd give, you know, a week later when he came back, he'd give you the picture, and then you'd write, thanks, Terry. You're the best. You know, and then Matt Damon, and you put it up on the wall, and everyone had a picture of them sort of with their arm around Terry.

[D]

That's in, like, every restaurant in New York City.

[A]

Thanks, buddy. You're the best dry cleaner. She brought a picture of herself in black and white, sweaty, shiny, in a bikini, oiled up, lights hitting her just so, looking like the hottest thing you've ever seen in a bikini. And it said, terry, thanks for making me strong, fast, you know, unbelievable and fabulous.

[D]

What's wrong with that?

[A]

Can't nobody fuck with me. Sign Butterfly. What a nickname. Well, what she did is what all blowhards do, which is they can't say anything about anyone else without turning it back toward them. See, it wasn't, thanks, Terry, you're great. It was, thanks, Terry, for turning me into this unstoppable, beautiful, strong force. And then she signed it Butterfly, which is like, float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. And I know she's a colossal blowhard, but when I saw this, everyone else just said, thanks, buddy. She turned it on her, and she used it as an opportunity to brag about how great she was.

[D]

You know what? She can back it up. A lot of people are blowhards. They can't back it up. She makes a blowhard.

[A]

She's a colossal.

[C]

What does that mean? She can back it up by being fierce.

[D]

She can back it up because she just went to Harvard. She has an incredible. She's 35 years old. She's had two major hit series. She had a talk show, so shut up. Pretty successful.

[A]

All right, so get over your show.

[C]

This is what the show's gonna be like, isn't it? Kiss yellow, fat ass. Okay. Yeah. So let's watch her.

[A]

I'm buckled in for blowhard. Let's hear it.

[C]

When I did my show, created my show, whatever. I also created a Persona on Top Model, and it's a character.

[D]

So when I'm sitting there and have.

[C]

All this makeup on, and I'm like, your picture is not fierce. And, you know, talking all that and reprimanding the girls and, like, that is a character. Like, I don't do that. Like, in real life. I'm, like, passive aggressive. I'm anti confrontational. I'm even in coaching to, like, learn how to be confrontational. So it's a character.

[A]

But people need to be Very sexy. You realize that you're like a sex symbol.

[C]

No, I'm not. I'm so not sexy.

[A]

I know how to turn it on.

[C]

For a picture, but I'm not sexy in real life. Like, I'm not sexy right now.

[A]

She's a delight. All right.

[D]

Wow. I gotta watch that show.

[B]

You're very sexy. You're very sexy.

[D]

He had his wife like that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, that's his type. Mm. All right. Well, there you go.

[C]

If I were to. Dinner party.

[A]

Dinner over at Larry's. Yeah.

[D]

What else you got, Allison?

[C]

Consumer Reports has published their Naughty or Nice list. These are brands that are naughty or nice. And on their naughty list, AirTran and Southwest for having hidden fees. Sirius XM for their fees, Liberty Travel, Swiss Colony, which is a mail order food company. Those are all cause of fees, I believe. And then for having bad return policies. GameStop, American Apparel, Radio Shack, Verizon Wireless. Any opinions on any of those brands?

[D]

Are you interested in any of those brands?

[A]

I don't know. Southwest, hidden fees. I don't know.

[D]

Oh, big lawsuit.

[A]

There's a big lawsuit.

[D]

Ticketmaster just settled that they had hidden fees online, and they are giving back anybody who has bought anything on ticketmaster since, like, 1999.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Well up to, like, whatever. So the $10 million. Listen to this. $10 million set aside for this, like, 40 million for the lawyers.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Disgusting.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

You can fact check me on that one.

[C]

Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I was gonna say everyone who always complains because they buy a ticket to my show and it's 35 bucks, but by the time they get it, it's $53 or 54 bucks, it's all these not anymore taxes and fees and stuff that are tacked on there. I don't know. Southwest may be tacking on something and saying they're not tacking on something, but still, no better airline to get you from Burbank to Phoenix. Really? For 89 bucks. Is there? Yeah. Say so.

[C]

And they have that novel lining up by number thing that you have to be smart to know how to do.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Okay, on the nice list, rei, Buy Low Supermarket, Live Nation, Costco, Orvis, Crutchfield, Microsoft Cablevision, and Amazon.com.

[D]

Costco. I love Costco. Yeah, but they're not that nice. They don't give you bags.

[A]

No bags. But free samples.

[D]

Love the samples.

[C]

If you go at the right time.

[D]

They give you boxes.

[A]

Yeah. No bags.

[D]

No bags.

[A]

Yeah. You like a bag.

[D]

Well, what if there's no boxes like it's really busy now and it's, you know.

[A]

Right.

[D]

It's not a big complaint, but at.

[A]

This point, our producer would be given the wrap it up Derek thing. Yeah, Derek. And I'd be like Newt Gingrich. Gingrich. God, that's a hard name to say. Newt Gingrich. Coming up next, he's gonna be playing Where's Bobby? Jill, why don't we take a five minute break? You got fashion do's and don'ts with Tyra Banks.

[D]

Oh, you want a fashion do. And don't love fake eyelashes, Take care of your eyebrows, give you an instant facelift, and don't wear high waisted pants.

[A]

And we're gonna do what we're gonna do. What can Jill complain about? Audience members get ready to receive questions supplied by Jill and then regurgitate them back to Jill. Hopefully things to do with 6% off over Macy's. All right, we'll be right back after this.

[D]

My pants are up.

[A]

It's good. Yeah, no, that's good. It's like we're taking a break now.

[C]

This is when the wedgie picking happens.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Those Lucite stools are a bitch. They'll drive it right up there.

[C]

Let's talk about wedgies for a moment. I feel like I've heard there's a way to actually readjust without using your hands. But there's not, is there?

[D]

Well, what do you mean?

[C]

Well, I don't know. You said to someone else's too.

[A]

Yeah. Me and Jill have assistance, so. Oh, that's how you. That's what they're talking about.

[C]

What do you say to them to get them to.

[A]

They know the nod. They know the nod. They know the wedgie nod.

[C]

Might they mistake it for you saying you're constipated and bring you a laxative?

[A]

I have. I have. It's just a nod. Just a look.

[B]

Pre range signal.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

For what?

[A]

Get the wedgie out. Earn your money and it means necessary.

[D]

How do you know someone has a wedgie?

[A]

The look. I give them the look.

[D]

Do you look to see if someone has a wedgie?

[A]

No, my assistant knows. My assistant knows to get my wedgie.

[D]

Out when I give him the look under the pants. You can't necessarily.

[A]

I don't care about them.

[C]

Why would you ask your assistant to look at your butt to see if you have a wedgie? Wouldn't you be able to tell you.

[D]

Could not see what was going on just now? It was my bodysuit.

[A]

If I close my eyes, I could.

[D]

No, no. But it was My body suit. That was wedging me, not my pants.

[A]

Uh huh. Again, you want it removed, you use your system.

[C]

That still falls under the. That falls under the wedgie umbrella Bodysuit.

[D]

Or the TMI umbrella.

[A]

Yeah, one of the nice companies, by the way. Tmi.

[C]

Okay, so. And there's something in my butt. That's what I would say if I had a wedgie, bodysuit or otherwise.

[B]

I would watch this show where you guys discuss this wedgies in the bud and who to tell and how to tell them.

[D]

I like it.

[B]

It's a whole who's on first kind of thing.

[A]

I hope there's one of those ass wives from telepictures listening right now because this is this hot thong talk.

[D]

Because I heard it before, but I haven't heard it since.

[A]

I like that you can say fuck those ass wipes from telepictures. There you go.

[D]

I like that word.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

See, my thing with thongs is that they feel like wedgies. Back me up.

[A]

We'll have you on.

[C]

Oh yeah. Can I come on and talk about that?

[A]

Yeah, we'll have you on.

[C]

Love to. I'd love to. Okay, great. So Jennifer Aniston do the news.

[D]

I assumed.

[C]

We all assumed Jennifer Aniston specifically asked for a meeting with Justin Theroux's ex girlfriend, according to Grazia magazine.

[D]

Oh, and I believe them. I don't think so.

[A]

That's good. No, that's smart.

[C]

To clear the air.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[D]

Please don't believe that bullshit.

[C]

But if we were to believe that bullshit, I'm just wondering, what are your thoughts? Everyone in the room, what are your thoughts about meeting with your current boyfriend or girlfriend's ex?

[D]

Unless you want to know if he has an std. I don't know why you want. You'd want to.

[A]

Mm. Mm.

[D]

You know, like if you got a herpes, you might want to ask the ex girlfriend if she had it too.

[A]

Did he steal. Did she steal him away?

[C]

Evidently. And she feels guilty about it. So she. It was a t tearful meeting involving drinking of wine to clear the air.

[A]

What does the ex do? Is she an actress or something?

[C]

Her name is Heidi Bivens. And I don't know what she does, but I could. Let me see.

[D]

Put out the press release. Hartim. She wants to get press off of Jennifer.

[A]

I don't know, Brian. I feel like you and I could go in there and pick up the pieces with Heidi. Yeah, we could clean up.

[C]

Jen has always been sympathetic to Heidi because she's heard from Justin just how devastated she is about Their breakup, a source told the magazine. Jen told Heidi that she understands what a painful time she's been going through and explained that she wanted her to know, hand on heart, this is her. She would never steal another woman's man, having had it happen to her.

[A]

This is Jennifer Aniston, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

She'll be done with him in, what, nine weeks?

[D]

I have a segment. I have a segment. When a story comes out like this, we could play a game of who leaked the story. Like, dissect the story and figure out whose publicist it was. Who. All right, you think? Let this out.

[A]

Next on Hot cup of Jill with Ace Over Easy, we'll be playing who leaked the story. And again, a celebrity. Where's Bobby? All this right after this break. Stay with us. Won't you stick around, would you? Don't touch, Jeff. I like when they beg people not to go. Don't go anywhere. That's it.

[D]

Down.

[A]

Hang on.

[D]

Don't touch it.

[A]

Coming back. Come right back here. Come back.

[D]

Check that email.

[A]

Coming back in tune, too.

[D]

No, check an email.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Now you give your assistant.

[A]

Keep it right here.

[C]

Give your assistant the look.

[A]

Yeah, this. This goddamn Lucite stool's driven my underpants up my ass once again.

[C]

All right, Story in Salon, which is online. It's a round table with critics. And the question is, are there too many best of lists? Because now is the time of year. Like, on what online and in magazines and just everywhere. Because now is the time of year where everyone is doing their best of lists. And I used to work at magazines, and I was a critic, and I know a lot of critics and specifically film critics begin working on their best of and 10 best movies of this year. Like January 1st. And I find it annoying.

[A]

Mm. I agree. I miss Mr. Blackwell. Sure, he was claimed by AIDS, but no, no. Joan Riven. Oh, she still Blackwell.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I missed the worst dressed folks. It is one of these things that you go, eh. But I always look at them like, you know, top 10 sports plays of the year. Here's what it is. Whatever you do. Like, if you do a show that's automotive, or you do a show that's sports, or you do a show that's fashion, or you do a show that's technology, then you get to present your own best techno whatever of the year. Best movies, best sports plays. Top 10 sports plays. So whatever. There's just too many categories now. But I'm all right with that look. I like the. I would watch if you gave me the top 10 tech innovations and techie Things. We'll do that on the show. We'll have a tech segment. Mr. Gadget will come in and do.

[D]

I'm a gadget freak. I love my gadgets.

[A]

It's perfect.

[C]

What are your top 10 gadgets? We get a preview.

[D]

The iPad keyboard.

[A]

You know what? Let's walk over to the lucite demonstration table. It's gonna be a lot of lucite on here. We're gonna walk over to that. Mr. Gadget will come out, he'll do a bit with us, Then he's gonna tell the entire audience. Everyone is getting an iPad, by the way. They go berserk. They're getting the keyword there.

[B]

I'll go.

[A]

They'll go nuts. All right, when we come back, where's Bobby? Newt Gingrich gonna be out here to play celebrity round of politician round of where's Bobby? And also we're gonna be doing what can't Jill complain about on hot cup of Jill with a show Very easy. Coming back at 2 and 2. Lovely water.

[D]

So good.

[A]

Yeah, it's gonna be good. Yeah. That's why we do our thing.

[D]

I'm so sorry. I'm losing it again.

[A]

No, it's all right.

[C]

What else is on your gadget?

[A]

We gotta get this going. Mmm.

[D]

I got the new iPhone4, and I like talking to it. I'm losing my voice.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. We're gonna bring it home anyway. We gotta get. We gotta pitch to sing around town. I need. You have a fresh voice for that. We gotta get pitching.

[D]

You want me to come back this week?

[A]

No, no, tonight.

[D]

Tonight.

[A]

We're going tonight.

[B]

No time to waste.

[D]

No, no. But I could come back again. Okay.

[A]

Telepictures is on the way out of here. We can swing by there.

[D]

I got some good friends, you know? You think. You think it's a joke. I think we could really do something.

[A]

I think we could do it. Do it over telepictures. Work with those. God. They're. God. How did you like the way we work together? Yeah, it's really good. I think we got something really good. You know what I'm going to do?

[C]

Imagine how good it's going to be when you have a voice.

[D]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, because I'm as demented as you are.

[A]

I'm going to call my good friends over at proflowers and send some flowers over.

[D]

You know who loves flowers?

[C]

Who?

[A]

Yes, Bobby really does.

[D]

I swear.

[A]

Bobby. Brought to you by proflowers. Hey, if you need flowers, I'll work this in hey, this segment of where's Bobby? Brought to you by ProFlowers. 800 ProFlowers. Mention Ace, by the way. And. And. Or go to proflowers.

[D]

Oh, yeah, if he mentions ace.

[A]

Yeah. Bobby when he does, goes to proflowers. If you mention ace or you go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the top right corner and you type in ace. You will get a discount. Bobby will get a discount.

[D]

That's it. He's buying them again.

[A]

Bobby's getting.

[D]

He bought me flowers from there.

[A]

Pro flowers. Love that about Bobby. And he'll get a.

[D]

Can we have a. Can we have a guest? Come on. Who can teach me how to put them in a vase? Because you get the flowers in a box now what?

[A]

Yeah, that's right. I feel the same way with macaroni.

[D]

Stick them into. Stick them in a what now?

[A]

What now?

[D]

I need to let my friend comes over, I swear to God, with these flowers. And she takes a little cup. She's trimming them, she's adding. They look gorgeous.

[A]

Right.

[D]

But I don't know how to do that.

[A]

That's where we'll bring on a professional florist and someone who cooks macaroni von dutchen.

[D]

And I love to cook.

[A]

Oh, you like? I would do cooking segments.

[D]

You teach me how to fix a car to jetta cook.

[A]

What's one of your. What's one of your dishes?

[D]

Oh, well, now potato lock is coming up for hanukkah.

[A]

All right, that'll be good. That's a segment.

[D]

I did it on the today show last year. Don't serious.

[A]

We'll. We'll book the chick that Jennifer aniston apologized to come on the show. Heidi will come on and cook us on the phone. I know. Hey, coming up next on hot cup of Jill, making latkes with Heidi Jilted Heidi. Next on hot cup of Jill with ace over easy. Coming back in two and two. You still be. You see, I do. I do something that rhymes with two and two every time. You know what I mean? It's good. And then I deny I ever even saw him do that. On. What the hell is that?

[C]

Love.

[A]

Love connection. Yeah. I go. I just. With a straight face, I go. I've never seen that show.

[B]

Isn't that Chuck woolery's line?

[A]

No. Huh? I don't know that name.

[B]

The famous game.

[A]

Chuck woolery. The astronaut. No.

[B]

Is it game show?

[A]

I didn't. I'm too young.

[D]

Chuck woolery.

[C]

No, you're not.

[A]

I do two and two. I don't know that one. Anyway, you're good. You're good.

[D]

Allison, do I get hair and makeup if we do the show?

[A]

Oh, yeah, I'm good. Every day you bring in your own people. Absolutely. And Bobby comes on too.

[C]

You know, I'm Alfie.

[D]

Come on.

[C]

Zip it. Kind maybe Bobby.

[D]

Bobby, come up.

[A]

No, not this. No, I don't want him here.

[D]

Even say hello?

[A]

No, I don't need him for this. And by the way, don't ruin the.

[C]

Mystery, because where is he?

[A]

Amazon. If you guys like the show and you want to keep the pirate ship a sale Amazon. Especially around the list they're on.

[C]

Nice list.

[A]

Amazon's a nice list.

[D]

Wait, did you do a top buy on Amazon? Did you pick out stuff for your fans?

[A]

Oh, that's what I need to do.

[D]

You need to tell them what to buy for for Christmas.

[A]

I'm gonna tell you guys on Amazon what to buy. And if you're gonna go to Amazon, go to AdamCroll.com and click on the Amazon banner and keep the pirate ship afloat. Jill Zarin, everyone. Clothing line Squeeze Couture. Follow me on Twitter and follow her on Twitter Jill Zarin.com Z A R I N a delight. And look for us coming to, you know, syndicated station nearing you or right.

[D]

In, right into somebody.

[A]

Yeah, ask for us. Sc yeah. So until next time, this is Adam crawl for bald Brian Gilzer and Allison Rose and saying, mahalo, own your penis. All right, there's Adam Crawler show 713 with Jill Zarin. Not quite as nutty as B Ling, but also a off the rails episode. Coming up next, we have Adam show 733. This one's just Allison, Brian and Adam hanging out. Good day, bald Ryan. Uh, nine times good day, Allison Rosen.

[C]

Hello, Adam.

[A]

Chupacabra. Sounds good until you realize it just means goat sucker.

[C]

Chupa is goat.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, no, that's suck cobra. Yeah, right. They flip things around a little.

[C]

I could suck a goat that make me something folklore, I think.

[B]

Chupa suck. Is that what you said?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

Oh, right. Like chupa. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Mm. Yeah.

[B]

Learning junior high found these Mexican candies on the the 99 cent store called Chupa Chups. And they were lollipops, so I put two and two together.

[A]

Somebody has to convince Mexico and Asia to knock it off with the candy and or dessert. Like just let the. Let the Americans and the Germans until somebody takes a bite from a Reese's peanut butter cup and says, fat. Let us do the heavy lifting. Your shit. Your weird green Rainbow color Y stuff shaped like a donkey with shit that.

[C]

Spurts out no good, squishy, wine flavored, whatever the fuck that is. It's like a weird Skittle.

[A]

It's also made to look good, but not. It's sort of, I feel like a lot of things out of Asia and a lot of things out of Mexico. And I'll include South America and that group as well. Central and South America are made to excite little kids with learning disabilities, but not so good for adults who have taste buds. It's much like the television. I'm telling you, when I'm in my hotel room traveling around and I'm flipping around, even if the sound isn't up and I flip through the Spanish speaking, I know within 3/10 of a second what I'm watching. It's just, hey, hey. Oh, hey. It's the, it's. It's.

[C]

Even if it's on mute, it's deafening.

[A]

Basically jingling keys for kids, except for you replace them with tan boobies. Other than that, it's a fantastic culture. All right, Allison Rosen has some news. I'm going to be at in Durham, North Carolina, doing a show on Thursday, House of Blues on Friday, and then that's in Boston. And then Silver Springs, Maryland, Fillmore Saturday on the 21st. Coming up, House of Blues almost sold out. That's all I know about this trip. Oh, man. I had a weird mildew related incident today that was very disconcerting. Mildew is a weird thing.

[C]

Wait, let me eat something.

[A]

You cool. Was it brightly colored? I opened my bag that I keep all my racing gear in because I'm going out and doing a little racing this weekend and that my helmet and my shoes, which are like leather and stuff like that were just wet, soaking wet and covered with mildew.

[C]

Ew.

[A]

And I don't. There was no water source. I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it got wet. The bottom of the bag was dry, but the inside was wet. It was all dewy.

[B]

It was sweaty.

[A]

Yeah. What? No, no, it wasn't. I mean, it was really wet.

[C]

Where do you keep this bag?

[A]

It's down in my garage and it's like not the world's driest climate. But there's nothing around. It was wet. There was nothing on the floor. And then I wanted my simple green because I don't know what you do with mildew. Like if you had a pair of high top leather shoes and they're just covered with mildew and a full face Helmet covered with mildew. What would you do with it inside? Oh, I don't care about spores. They make me stronger, but they stink and they're turning black and everything. And I said, bleach is great, except for bleach is going to bleach it out. I came up with simple green and denatured alcohol, although I couldn't find my simple green. And I was pissed off because I had a simple green buying moment where I walked out of the Home Depot three days ago because we're building a studio back here. And I just passed a one gallon jug of simple green. And I said, well, you can never have enough of this shit on you. And I grabbed it and I brought it for the shop and then I went home and I have 15 different products that are simple green based, but no, just a simple green. Simple Green.

[C]

It's like an O. Henry story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dropped a drink.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I've never used simple green.

[A]

Get out a jug of simple green, would you? It's delightful stuff.

[C]

What would I use it on?

[A]

It's like, it's cleaning stuff. It's like simple green is the original natural cleaning fluid. I don't know why, but we used to use it back when I used to install closets with the born again gang banger. So I have horrible memories of simple green, but I remember it as being sort of pungent and effective and good. And then I didn't. I didn't know what to do with the shoes, so hit them with some simple green. But it was like degreaser. And then I put some denatured alcohol in there and I was trying to air them out and I threw them in the dryer and I put talc in them. Yeah.

[C]

Then I think you should douse them with Febreze.

[A]

Febreze.

[C]

They make a special super strong Febreze.

[A]

All right. Anyway, get out the jug, O Simple Green. Thank you.

[B]

Lysol or the Lysol spray? The disinfectant spray probably do it. And they have mildew remover for Lys bathroom tile.

[A]

I gotta get that. I gotta get going. I can't have my race shoes. These all mildewsies.

[C]

Whatever. They spray on bowling shoes.

[A]

Mm. Oh, I need those guys.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Let me tell you what I've. I've worked. I used to clean carpets, and when I cleaned carpets, they would. My boss would say, you want to, you know, for an extra 80 bucks, we'll do a Teflon treatment on it. And it was me with a Hudson sprayer, one of those pump up sprayers with just tap water. And it's spraying it around. I think those guys are just getting. I think those guys are doing the bowling shoes. Think it's just water, a little food coloring and a little, like, zest of lemon or something in there. I don't know. There's actual. Any actual disinfecting going on?

[C]

I highly doubt there is.

[A]

I'll blow the lid off that shit soon as I get done with this race.

[C]

You need some grainy black and white shaky video footage.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

People spraying shoes.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, I'll get my simple green worked out. All right, so I am leaving very early. I got this. I'm driving up north to do a race, and I also have this radio tour for the rich man, poor man book. And I decided, well, if I'm getting up at 5:30 and doing a radio tour, I might as well drive. So I'm just gonna drive and do it to roll those calls. What do you think? Think it'll work? It's gonna fall off at least eight times.

[B]

Yeah, you're gonna lose some calls.

[A]

Let me tell you something that's really uncomfortable about the radio tour call when you have 26 calls lined up. Normally, I'll just wax on forever, but when you have the 28 calls, I'm a little windy on occasion. The first three calls get a little long. Everything gets bumped back and gets screwed up and gets whatever. And the person, the operator chick who you have a weird relationship with, almost onstar esque, the one from the publisher.

[B]

Who'S arranging all the calls when he.

[A]

Listens to the company does this. She literally just listens to every. Now she must want to kill herself when Jessica Simpson does one of these things, because somewhere around radio station 128 when she's saying, I believe all women are beautiful and I believe we all have the power to change the world. And she's heard that 127 times. She must literally be mouthing it as she's saying it. What inspired you to come out with this line of maternal wear? And she must be mouth. She literally must be sitting around or at least putting her pinky down her throat, trying to yak into a trash can. But I am weird because I know the one chick is listening, so you're entertaining for her. Well, when they go, what made you decide to come up with this? I'll try to mix it up because I'll know there's just one weird invisible parrot that's sitting on my pirate's shoulder listening the entire time. And they'll sort of make comments like, that's pretty giving. Or, you know, well, not in the middle of the call, but at the end, they'll go like, boy, you can talk. Or that was a lot of good stuff. Or something like that. Because they're used to. I think. I think the whole idea is when, like, you know, Ed Asner's promoting his cat calendar.

[C]

I have that, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I get it every day. That's right. Incredible.

[C]

Himalayan.

[A]

When he's. When he. And you do that, you know, you do 28 radio stations. You probably say about the Same thing times 28 radio stations. But anyway, if you are going a little long, she will jump in, tell you, tell them it's time to move, move, move it on. And it is a weird thing. You do feel like a prostitute because you'll be talking to the guys and they'll. They'll do the thing where they'll. They're remember you from last time. Great to have you back. And they do that kind of sad thing where it's like, your buddies, hey, Adam, back to the show so soon? Last time we spoke to you. Hey, it's great to be back. You know, can't remember your names. And then a certain point, somebody goes, eh, he's gonna move on. Sounds like a prostitute. You know, like, yeah, there's other clients waiting outside them.

[C]

See, I was a journalist for years, so I was on the receiving end of the publicist, butting in and saying, okay, one more question, one more question. But in a radio interview, how does that work? Because the people listening don't hear that, do they?

[A]

I don't know. There's my. That's my simple green full jug. Wow, it's filthy. I just gotta smell it.

[C]

You need simple green to clean this up.

[A]

I gotta make sure it's that. Wow, someone's been into this. Oh, yeah, that's a simple green. I remember. Yeah, it's going right in my race shoes.

[C]

Give me a whiff of that.

[A]

You wanna wait? Wanna get.

[C]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

Take a hit off that. It's filthy, so be careful. But we're doing some work here in the shop. Don't get it on the screen.

[C]

You're waving it to me.

[A]

I'll put your nose in there. Get in there. Oh, yeah, don't get that look.

[C]

You know what it reminds me of? Kindergarten.

[B]

That's just how she looks.

[A]

That's how you normally look.

[C]

Kindergarten and smelly markers.

[A]

Mmm.

[C]

I feel like maybe they use this to clean up some vomit.

[A]

Well, either way, it's Going in my helmet. Oh, it's in the trunk of my car. All right, we're gonna have to work this out. Where were we? Yes. Rich Man, Poor man coming out Tuesday, January 17th. You can pre order it now. And I think if you pre order it, we give you a deal. It'll work on the Kindle Fire and the books app for the iPad and the Nook color and all this other crap I don't know exists, but it's kind of cool. Michael Naron and Mike lynch and I did it, and it's finally been talking about this rich man, poor man for a million years. And finally went out and did it.

[C]

I can't wait to see it.

[A]

Yeah, the. The first 2000 pre orders are going to get a signed sketch signed by you and Michael Naron. The sketch from the book, I'd imagine. So all they gotta do is pre order, pre order the book, tell their friends about it on Facebook and Twitter, and then email the receipt to ebookadamcorolla.com. the first 2000 are gonna. Is gonna get Naran and my assistant Naran and myself are gonna sign that. That sketch. Yes. Lynch will sign Adam Carolly. He's gotten pretty good at it. He can do it.

[B]

It's gonna be a tough drive for you up there to talk on the phone, sign autographs. You got a lot to do on that drive. Good luck, buddy.

[A]

All righty, then. Let's see. Allison Rosen, why don't you get your news ready, and I'll. I'll talk a little about my good friends over at Go to my PC. That's right. Go to my PC. Where's that piece of paper? Yes. I don't. Get this out of my face. You insult me. Paper and the pulp from whence you came.

[B]

Paper's had enough.

[A]

All right, I'll back off. Yep. Citrix. What a company. They bring. You go to my PC and they got an app for the iPhone. And it's like having your work computer right on your iPhone. Man. Sakes alive, what a time we're living in. It was really weird today, actually. I was doing Kevin and Bean this morning, and I was doing this week in rage. And one of the things I was complaining about was this year in review. And we touched on a little bit here. That's gonna bring me back to go to my PC. It was a year in review, and they do that thing all the. Well, there was Casey Anthony and there was. Oh, there was an earthquake in Japan. Who could forget the earthquake in Japan? And it's like nobody you ass fucks. It was four months ago. We all remember the earthquake in Japan and Charlie Sheen had an episode. Yes, yes, we all remember these things because they happened moments ago. And I said, okay, all these year in review things should be 20 years ago. That would be really fun. And I said it, you know, tongue in cheek. But then I started to think about it. I really. And you would eventually, in 2031, get to 2011 according to my plan. But then the Casey Anthony thing and the Charlie Sheen thing. And Charlie sheen will have OD'd by then. But the Charlie Sheen news in 2031 would be more interesting than it is now. Like, you'd go, oh, yeah, that was 2011. That's when he freaked out. Oh, Two and a Half Men. That's going on. Year 48, Ashton Kutching Kushner Jr. Is now playing the third man.

[C]

Or if it was. Yeah, I think I would much rather listen to what happened in 1991.

[A]

So I went and did a little lookin' and I said, now, Kentucky Fried Chicken changed his name to KFC in 91. Would you have known that this is just gonna be. This is amazing. Point made.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There's no way, like, if I would have said to you, hey, what year did Kentucky Fried Chicken change its name to KFC? You would have been like, I don't know, 92. And I would have been no, 91. 91, bitch.

[C]

My life has become so much more enriched.

[A]

If you would have asked me, I would have said 2007. It like, I. I see.

[C]

I would have as well.

[A]

I can't believe it was changed. I think they changed it to KFC for a good eight years before anyone, anyone signed off on it. Yeah, but 91, there's a little band called CNC Music Factory. Thank you. Now I can sleep tonight.

[C]

That's a good one.

[A]

Little band. I don't know if lynch was just doing some bad research or pulling my leg, but evidently we'd. We just wrapped up the Korean conflict.

[C]

Good for us.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna have to check that one out again. What else was going on in 91? See, I'll figure it out, but, oh, Silence of the Lambs came out in 91. Oh, yeah, the phrase hasta la vista, baby came out in 91. I mean, look, this is hard hitting news. I mean, this is good stuff.

[C]

Wasn't. That was circa Red Hot Chili Peppers under the Bridge, I think.

[A]

Yeah, but that could have been 90. Could have been 92 for all you know. You don't. That's My point, How much better would these year end things be if they did it that way?

[C]

So much better.

[A]

In memoriam. They should do who's gonna die. Much more exciting, especially when there'll be a lot of people in the audience. They'll be like, what?

[C]

And it would be joyful. It wouldn't be sad now.

[A]

It'd be a celebration of Dakota Fanning moped accident. Mm.

[B]

Oh, you're saying predict. I thought you said, like, in 1991. This person's gonna die within a year.

[A]

Oh, well, that'd be fun. That'd be fun, too. All right, well, either way, where was I? Go to my PC. Who in 91 could have predicted that we'd have this?

[C]

Only a profit.

[A]

Yeah. Only that super muscular guy from the CNC Music Factory guy. The guy who just couldn't stop dancing. Yeah. Could not stop. Go to my PC. They got the app for the iPhone. They got a special. I mean, really, 20 years ago. What? Nothing. NASA had a computer. That was it. Now look at this. It's on your phone, baby.

[C]

What's an iPad? That's what people would have said back then.

[A]

That's right. Mm. Special, by the way. 45 days free. Try it for 45 days free. Use the promo code. Adam Visit. Go to my PC, click on the try it free button and tell them Adam sent you. All right. Allison Rosen. Mm. Got some news. Baby girl with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[C]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[A]

It's Allison, Allison. Tell me if this makes me a dick. My assistant Jay has to have the hernia surgery. Oh, and same hernia surgery I had. So, you know, you know, big whoop. And I was fine the next morning. But Drew wasn't. So I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. We can't tell if he's going to be fucked up. Either way, it's going to be hard for me to get him to work the day after.

[C]

Probably, yeah.

[A]

And what with the holidays and everything, he's been traveling and out of town and Christmas and everything. And I do miss the lad around the house because once you start using somebody, he's the brains, he's the eyes and the ears of the operation. I need myself some Jay. You know what I'm saying? And so Jay did the. Oh, don't forget, he just came back this week. He doesn't work Fridays he works Monday through Thursday. He said, oh, and you know, I have to have my hernia surgery on Monday. And I said, you can't do Monday, huh? Cause Friday would, see, you don't work on Friday, so it'd be perfect. And then you'd have the whole weekend to recover. And then you'd have my voice ringing in your head going, yeah, when I was 40, I had the same surgery. Got home about 6:30 that evening, up 6:15 the next morning, hanging mirrored closet doors.

[C]

He'd be like, put me back under.

[A]

I'm just saying that rattling around in your bean for the whole weekend. You'll show up Monday morning, right?

[B]

Pure hell.

[A]

Now you get this shit done on Monday. Monday's no good, right? Now I can't be a dick and I gotta pay him. I can't be a dick and not pay him, right? But I just got done paying him for a week. And everyone when you do that thing where you go, ah, you know, paid vacation, weeks vacation, paid vacation sounds good until you tell. You realize I got a nanny who's getting paid. I got an assistant that gets getting paid. And I'm getting the fucking groceries out of the back of the car like, there ain't nobody around here. Everyone's getting paid. And then it gets a little weirder when the nanny had like the flu and was out for two weeks, two weeks before the paid vacation. And now it's kind of like paid you for those two weeks and now you went, it doesn't feel good. So I'm like, no surgery on Friday, huh? And he's like, nah, they don't. Ironically, I had mine on a Friday. The exact same surgery on a Friday, but now this guy only does them on a Monday. Oh, how convenient a fucked up surgeon is that? He's gonna ruin everyone's fucking week.

[C]

I mean, seriously, he's just gonna go to one surgeon. He's not gonna go to someone else who can do it on Friday?

[A]

I could, I could find a dude, maybe not, you know, a surgeon surgeon, right. But certainly someone who knew how to sterilize a knife, a hunting knife.

[C]

I mean someone who's sober.

[A]

You can find someone sober.

[B]

Dude, Some guy's got simple green halfway there.

[A]

Dip that buck knife in simple green. You bite on this rag, take care of this. Yeah, either way, what up? I'm just saying it, I know it makes me a douche, but I was still like, yeah, do it on Friday. You don't work on Friday. He'll do it on Monday. And then of course Monday's a wash. Tuesday, Wednesday he's not. He's out. And then I'm a dick if I get him to. Get him to hobble in on Thursday when he's going to be off Friday anyway. So now it's a fucking week without Jay. And I'm building these studios back there. And these guys are semi retarded.

[D]

Matt.

[A]

The Porcelain Punisher. Fondelier. Oh, man. You know, dudes, they don't know their way around like a toolbox anymore. Like, I'll say. I'll say to. I'll say to Matt, like, hey, Matt, hey, go give me that crescent wrench from the back bench back there. And he'll hold up like a utility ball and goes, this it, boss? And I'll go, no, no, no, it's not that. Then he'll hold up a mop and I'll go, no, no, that's. It's. It's an adjustable wrench. And then he'll hold up like a stuffed bison's head, you know, And I'll go, no, no. It's made of. It's metallic, Matt. Metallic. It's made of metal. I drop his pants, start trying to get at his own junk with his mouth, you know, crying. It's guys, it's true.

[C]

And you know where people are, especially not handy New York, my friend. Always talk about how.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

We used to always talk about how around the time you're moving, you're especially in danger of falling for someone that you normally wouldn't fall for just because they can kill a spider for you or hang something for you. If you ever find someone in New York who can actually do these things, you will become attracted to them.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, you know, it was kind of reminded me a lot of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and Satan when she met Aiden, who was actually a craftsman and could work.

[C]

Jinx.

[A]

What?

[C]

I was thinking the same thing.

[A]

He could build.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

He was a builder.

[C]

Yeah, he was.

[A]

He built custom furniture.

[C]

Yes, he did.

[A]

But she wanted to be with the big money guy, Mr. Big.

[C]

Did you actually like her with Aiden, though? I mean, we are having an ironic conversation about sex in the city. By the way, the show has reached a new low.

[A]

All right, let's do some news. I thought they would work. I prayed they would. Really?

[C]

I didn't like him. He had too much forehead for me. A video that appears to show the United States Marine. United States Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Taliban fighters could implicate those involved in war crimes. The 39 second video posted on YouTube and TMZ appears to show combat ready soldiers desecrating the remains of several bodies on the ground.

[A]

I would argue that you're. I would argue that the M16. That you just spent a clip. The fact that you just unloaded a clip near M16 into their chest, that's. That's where the desecration part comes in. Because I've been peed on at least 150 times.

[B]

You didn't bring Ray up on charge.

[D]

Yeah, but you weren't.

[C]

You weren't dead at the time.

[A]

I wish I was. I certainly wish I was. When he took fecal matter and slammed it into my ear. That would have been nice.

[C]

Or even if it's at the grave level.

[A]

Yeah. All right. This passes for a war crime now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My feeling is I'm interested in what happens to you when you're alive.

[B]

Poor John McCain.

[C]

I was thinking about that, actually, because my first reaction to this was how horrible. And then I thought, wait a. This is like. It's ridiculous to me that you can. Even though I. It's ridiculous that you can say, well, it's okay to take the life out of someone. But then you. I don't know where they're drawing the lines.

[A]

We got rules. We got rules. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. So it's titled Marines peeing on Taliban.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

Based on their equipment, a Marine Corps official identified the soldiers as being from a sniper squad. In extreme cases, an act such as urinating on a body could be construed as a war crime.

[A]

Well, that's it. We've upset Allah. Now he's really going to step it up.

[C]

Well, they are saying that this will be. That could be used to recruit.

[A]

Yeah, everything. Listen, I was on the fence about hitting recruit. Here's what we do. We get up, we just get some more Predator drones and we just start killing more. We take out the infrastructure. That's it. We just kill them.

[C]

Do you not think this is kind of awful, though?

[A]

No, I don't care.

[C]

I think it's awful. And I think the wars. I think the killing is awful, too.

[A]

Yeah. It's not good. It's not a great thing, but who gives a shit? They fly planes into buildings. We piss on them when they die. Who cares?

[B]

The fact that we acknowledge there's something called war crimes, does that not automatically make us better than most of these countries? Of course we acknowledge that there may be something called a war crime.

[A]

Listen, we should be better than they're. Than they are. That's. That. That would be. That would Be nice. But once you're dead, you're dead, and I don't give a shit. And the recruiting stuff is. Is great, but they don't need a whole. You see, they already hate us. They'll always hate us. It's built in. They can't help it. We have much more than they do. They were recruiting. Look, they were doing just fine before we started breaking up their. Their infrastructure, which is what we've done. I mean, I was. I would. Where was everybody? I was saying it at the writers table at Kimmel's eight or nine years ago. Oh, this is gonna be. This is gonna be. You know, we're creating more terrorists. All we. Shut up was every fucking asshole who lives in this shut up town of ours saying we're creating more terrorists. You know we're creating more terrorists. You know we're creating more terrorists. I was like, no, I think we're killing terrorists. And that's it. And by the way, here's the recruitment letter.

[C]

Well, I just had sex with a terrorist, so I'm creating more terrorists.

[A]

Join up the Taliban. We will have our snipers who are firing rifles that can kill you from three miles away. And then they will make the long walk over to your body. Better yet, they'll take an SUV over and then they're going to pee on you. Okay, so there's. You're saying it can be work as a recruitment? I'm saying it's going to work as anti recruitment. You sign up for the Taliban, you not only get a bullet in the head, but you get some whiz in the eye.

[B]

It's the wartime version of excessive celebration.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They should have got a 15 yard penalty.

[A]

That's right. They should have took their helmets off.

[B]

Lost it down.

[C]

The caption on the video says, I thought marines were supposed to do the right thing when no one is watching.

[A]

Listen, I don't. We're supposed to be above this. I don't condone it. But this whole could be used as a recruitment. Fuck. That will kill you. Sign up. Sign up. You'll get a bullet and some whiz and we're eating asparagus. We're getting a can of asparagus. Putting a bullet in your fucking head. Chemical warfare. Warfare. Enjoy. Sign up, baby, sign up. We've got a predator drone with your fucking name on it. Sign up.

[C]

I mean, I suppose the idea that people wouldn't be taking delight in the killing is naive.

[A]

Well, by the way, we have to.

[C]

Be all in a fervor.

[A]

We do a thing where we're like, oh, you got to act better than that. That. Put yourself in a position where this person's been trying to kill you for a while. Do you see what I'm saying? You're in a position where you're fighting this person and this person is attempting to put a bullet in your head. So you don't just walk up on these bodies and go, hey, what have we here? It's not like you just stepped out of your living room or out of your sudsy bath and went, oh, hey, there's some bodies here. Let's urinate on them. These guys. You have to understand, this unit could have had three guys that were killed by guys from that Taliban unit a week earlier. And thus, when they kill them, they want them. Do you know what I'm saying?

[C]

I do know what you're saying.

[A]

There's more to it than we just stumbled across some bodies, but.

[C]

Okay, do you think that these. If they didn't feel threatened, don't you think they would still do it? There's a lot of negatives in that sense.

[A]

What do you mean, if they.

[C]

I mean, I feel like they might have taken delight in the killing, whether they felt that they were being threatened by the people that they killed or not and then peed on them.

[A]

Well, I mean, it's a war I think they're in. I think they feel threatened as soon as they get off the plane in the sense of roadside bombs and snipers and stuff like that, all those improvised explosive devices and stuff like that. Like, I think those guys on the ground have a very numb, daily sense of, I'm scared to drive down that road, even if it's not a sort of in your face kind of a here comes the cavalry charging at you adrenaline thing. I think there has to be a low grade. Just every second I'm here, I could step on something feeling. So I'm assuming that they think that everyone that's around them is possibly the enemy. And especially if they've exchanged gunfire with them, I feel like, yeah, they feel like it's pent up. But look, either way, who gives a shit? They're dead, and we're killing terrorists. And you pussies out there, who said we're gonna create more terrorists when we go over there? To start killing more terrorists has not been borne out. All we've been doing is killing terrorists. And I don't think we're creating anymore by killing them, whether they're roaches or terrorists. And I applaud us killing terrorists. And I Would like the whole world to join in. All the civilized nations, all the nations that treat women, you know, pay them at least 80 cents to the dollar. At least 80 cents to my dollar. That's the minimum. That's the minimum to join in and ban arms and start killing terrorists. Thank you.

[C]

And peeing on them.

[A]

And peeing on them. I don't care. And look, piss them off, literally. Get them recruit. Let them know that we're dicks too. So what? They hate us. This whole thing of, oh, we're going to get them to hate us. They hate us. They've hated us. Let's not forget 9, 11 and the coal and the marine barracks that were blown up. None of this. This was all pre us getting them to hate us. I mean, you could make, you know, you could make an argument for. Oh, I see. Now you're pissing them off. But you're dealing with people that are pre pissed off at us. They hate us anyway. Okay, all right. So let's just kill them. That's all I'm saying.

[C]

I just think war is yucky.

[A]

I do too. I'm not a fan of peeing on corpses. But they're dead. And let them hate us. And again, my recruitment argument is the exact one as you make, which is. I think it'll serve as a non recruiting. See what happens? You die and then we pee on you. Thank you.

[C]

Some teens are catching heat for a series of safe sex web videos they made using slang like raw dogging. That's where you bareback.

[A]

Mmm. I thought that was an XM Sirius station.

[C]

It's also that inspired by the act of raw dogging.

[A]

Raw dogging is sex without a condom.

[C]

Without a condom. Yeah. And some politicians feel like they've gone too far or that the message will be diluted. And it's called more than just sex. That's the series of these five public service announcements. Taxpayers funded the videos and we have some. We have one.

[A]

Mm. Ah, they're peeing on those innocent kids.

[C]

That's raw dogging. You have to take the condom off before you pee or else it's gonna make a mess.

[A]

I would say I've been peed on by. I'd say I've been peed on. I like to think it's into the triple digits.

[B]

Could be number of times, number of different people.

[A]

No partners. Yeah.

[B]

Individual incidents.

[A]

I'd say partners would probably be about. But I'd say between nine and 13 people.

[B]

I know you're a serial penogamist.

[A]

Yes. Oh, here's the Video. You got the video?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a black guy with an earring. You know, I always used to use condoms every time I had sex. It just got so boring. It was all glove and no love. My friends told me about a way, though, that I can improve my sex life. It's called unprotected sex. And ever since I've been raw dogging it, sex has never been better. Never been better. Never been better. Jesus. Tracy Morgan's really fallen on hard times. Now it's all love. No glove. Unprotected sex may not be for everyone. Side effects include genital war, yellow or green discharge, swollen lymph nodes, painful urination, body aches, pregnancy, dark urine, skin rash, HIV chills, muscle aches, skin folds, loss of sight, thrush, diarrhea, vomiting, canker sores, swollen glands, and trouble urinating. Not for those Marines. Symptoms may include baby drama, baby mama drama, baby mama's mama drama, multiple clinical visits, prescription refills, commitment drama, girlfriend. Can you stop it for a second? Can I say something? In this day and age of everybody having a Mac computer and at least a digital camera, I didn't know production could be this bad in this day and age. There was a time in the mid-80s when you'd see something that was shot for NBC Sports, and then you'd see the bad infomercial and you could tell, okay, well, there's a difference here because these guys don't have access to this equipment in these edit bays. And they're. They're. They're. They can't do a musical score and stuff. But today you can do, like, kind of run and gun kind of on the cheap stuff with real. I mean, these. These cameras are a couple hundred bucks, and they have the LED light thing, like, built into them and stuff like that. Have you ever seen a lower production thing done in this modern day.

[C]

No.

[A]

Why? The music is horrible, the mics are bad, the graphics are horrible.

[C]

I wonder if they're trying to make it look cheesy.

[B]

Feels tongue in cheek.

[A]

Obviously, this part is cock and ass, but let's replace tongue in cheek with cock and ass. Okay. He had his cock planted squarely in his ass when he called you fat. So let's not. Let's not get on him about that.

[B]

Squarely.

[A]

Squarely. Obviously this is. That. This is tongue in cheek here, but cocking ass. I don't think it's supposed. It's cocking ass. Obviously it is cocking ass, but this part. But I don't think the beginning part is supposed to look that bad? If so, they're not getting anything out of it.

[C]

Yeah, I agree.

[B]

The irony is lost on the audience.

[C]

Cock is wasting.

[A]

Is there an iron? Dawson's gonna chime in. Do you see that? One of the saddest side effects is par. Gentle beat downs. I'm wondering if that means the guy's gonna beat the out of his folks. Could possibly be Johnson's high. Gotta cut him some slack.

[C]

I have a Dawson Story, dude.

[A]

I want to hear a later hose. A live one. Or should we. Later. No, you can't do better than you. All right. Dawson is high. Later, Hosen. All right.

[C]

Should we see the rest of it?

[A]

All right. Why not? I waited for you, man. Like, that music isn't. If it was meant to be ironic, we'd. There'd be a. There'd be a bad sort of 80s, you know, canned. Whatever.

[B]

This is bad 80s. The synthesis.

[A]

No, but they're not trying to be bad.

[C]

Well, so what do you think?

[A]

Is this like the score from Social Network? Trent Reznor worked on this one, by the way. Play that music. Go back. Go back 10 seconds. I'm telling you, Trent Reznor got an Oscar for this. But just that. Bravo had to be weird when they were going in and going like, all right, what do you got for us? It's just like. And then a. Trent must have had to say to people. People will be talking on stage. We'll just have.

[C]

Right. Someone's like, no, but no, I want play all the tracks. I don't need. Just.

[A]

This is it. This is what we got.

[C]

Just.

[A]

We will be talking. It's not dancing.

[C]

Maybe just a little bit.

[A]

That's what we got. We're gonna win an Oscar. Do you feel like. Don't you feel like you could have done that?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. All right. Anyway. So no wrong.

[C]

Would accidentally hit more keys.

[A]

Yeah, fuck that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's the notes.

[B]

He doesn't play.

[A]

Adam.

[C]

Microsoft. Microsoft is investigating a report that workers at a Chinese plant that makes its Xbox game systems threatened mass suicide in a pay dispute. Microsoft takes working conditions in the factories that manufacture its products very seriously, and we are currently investigating this issue.

[A]

The Chinese are like, look, we're normal, but they think we're nuts. If we say we're gonna do. We're gonna kill ourselves, those round eyes will buy it in a second. We've had enough guys get B minuses on calc finals and threw themselves off of bell towers at ucla Just enough for them to buy into this bullshit.

[B]

It's not a Diabolical plot for someone making 88 cents a day letting 12 do a room.

[A]

We're gonna kill ourselves.

[C]

Yeah, apparently it works. Foxconn, a Chinese. Not this time, but in the past, in 2010, there was a spate of suicides and Foxconn, which is a Chinese contractor that makes brand name electronics for companies such as Microsoft and Apple, paid the workers twice their pay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So then they made a dollar sixty.

[A]

Yeah, I got the Xbox. But I have blood on your hands. Well, I got the Xbox. I probably shouldn't be talking about this, but anyway, I got the Xbox. You'll know why from multiple levels. I got the Xbox, they gave me the Xbox. And it was like one of those, hey, take the Xbox and tweet about it, you know, or have fun, but you know, one of those like celebrity take the Xbox things. That's me tweeting. I started, I started before Christmas. I haven't finished my character. We got 120, 140.

[C]

Like, how do you spell X?

[A]

So, so I, I got, I got the Xbox, you know, and then like they called me or they sent me an email or something and they're like, hey, you got that Xbox? I'm like, yeah, man, it's awesome, man. But I don't play video games. I never play video games. I never want to play video games. It's like I said. I tried to play that one with that World War II one where I was going to be Cuba Gooding Jr. I was going to be on the deck of the Arizona. I was gonna be shooting at everyone. And I never couldn't get out of my fucking bunk. I tried for four hours to get out of my fucking bunk.

[C]

That's level one.

[A]

But they should tell you there's a good chance you'll never see the light of day.

[B]

You're in a floating tomb.

[A]

You'll burn to death in your bunk 126 times before you get drunk enough just to fucking pass out in front of the TV set. I mean, it was literally like, I was like, the picture. I'm watching the game, I'm watching a commercial, and there's the dude topside and he's manning the 50 caliber machine guns. And the Japanese Zeros are coming down on him. Torpedoes are in the water and he's. And the wings are catching on fire and blowing off. And I'm like, this is my kind of video game. I'm not into that. Yeah, I'm not into that. Like, oh, I'm gonna dunk a basketball on you or Something. Because I'm.

[D]

That's.

[A]

That just seems weird. I don't know why. And I'm not like, into, like, eight aliens and Spider man and shit like that, but this is World War II. Manning. I'm Manning the guns. I'm up deck. I'm up on the deck, manning the guns, while everyone else, you know, is. Is. Is scattering. I've grabbed the.50 caliber and I did that thing they do in all good action moves where there's a dude slumped over it. You know, the dude who slumped over. They're never gentle with that guy.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

What if that guy just got shot in the arm? And then. And then you push him over and he whacked his head on an I beam. You know what I mean? They never go like, oh, here, hey, watch out. Let me use my cardigan. A pillow.

[B]

Look at my wedding ring.

[A]

I used to throw that guy off. Yeah. What if the guy just went, hey, man, I'm just taking a break. I've been operating this finger an hour. Yeah, they don't do the artery thing, so they throw that guy aside.

[C]

Collateral damage.

[A]

And then they. They start. They start firing. That was going to be that guy. But what I didn't know is the game starts with me in my bunk, and I never make it topside. The thing, you know, there's an explosion. I get out of my bunk, I go down a hall, I turn right, open the door, there's a fire. I open another door, there's fire. I go upstairs, and I'm engulfed in flyer. And then I hit restart. I'm back in my bunk again. Never.

[C]

Groundhog Day.

[A]

I never made it out of the bottom of the ship. I tried and tried and tried.

[B]

It's like a Poseidon Adventure I was.

[A]

On the other night. It's good stuff. Good movie. Ernest Man's great.

[C]

Did one of your kids try.

[A]

No. No. So I get the Xbox, and I get the new one with, like, a good driving game on it, Forza. And so what do I do? I give it to my nephew, you know what I mean? For Christmas. I got your Christmas present, buddy. Xbox, Forza. Game on. And then I get an email back from them going, hey, listen, can we get a picture you with the Xbox to send to the client? Because, you know, they got to make sure we're handing these things out, you know, my friends. So now I got a weird thing. Where do I gotta go to my sister's house? And then do I gotta admit that it was given to me? Because it was like, oh, Uncle Adam, this Is awesome. Take it with my sister. Yeah. Now and then my assistant Jay was like, I got a buddy who's got an Xbox. I could bring it in and take a picture of that one, or I make one out of, like, styrofoam and paint it. Just take one out of a box and paint it black. Write Xbox chalk on it or something.

[B]

Hi, Adam. This is Joe from Xbox. Yeah, we got your photo. Unclear why you appear to be in a best Buy surrounded by Xboxes.

[A]

I brought it in for repairs. We would do that for you. No, I was. No, you see what? Hand of God. Hand of God. What happened was, is I was out camera shopping with the Xbox. I love that. Well, first off, I'm not gonna leave that Xbox unattended. This is Los Angeles. People could break in and steal that Xbox.

[B]

Careful of that Xbox.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, yeah, you know, maybe they could steal one of my Lamborghinis or one of the twins, but the Xbox, that's family. So I travel, and with the Xbox.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And I was over at the Best.

[B]

Buy with a bunch of more Xboxes.

[A]

Well, yeah, and you're probably looking at that cord that's stuck to it, that.

[B]

Security cord, and the tag that said for sale.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And the guy Chase appears to be chasing you from behind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I didn't know any better.

[A]

Well, you know what? Let me get my publicist to see if we can straighten this out. So now I got to get a picture of me with the Xbox. My sister, she don't live that close. And then, I don't know. I don't want to go all the way over to her house just to stand next to the box. I could get her to take a picture of it, but it wouldn't have me.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Maybe she could hold up like a man. Show picture next to the box.

[B]

The precious cheese cutout.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you find that? Huge fan. Huge fan. All right, I'm gonna sort this out.

[C]

You're gonna have to avoid their calls.

[A]

Mm. Mm. Yeah. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, Xbox. Yeah. All right, all right. There's medal of honor. All right, there he is in the bunk of his bed. It gets out of the bunk, by the way. It's very homoerotic. Bunch of dudes in their underpants, you know? Well, World War II, there's the bells going off, and that guy got shocked. And then goes to the next door. They follow the guy says, time to go topside. Go through the barber shop. If this guy makes it topside, I'm gonna be pissed.

[B]

Freaking Labyrinth.

[A]

By the way, this guy made a lot longer than I did. I would just open doors and it'd be fire.

[C]

Where are you supposed to be that.

[A]

There'S a barber shop on a ship?

[B]

Oh, Arizona, Right?

[A]

Yeah. They're like floating cities. I would. I would argue. You don't really need to say floating since we already understand we're talking about an aircraft carrier. You know what I mean? You say they're like a city. I'd be like, what do you mean? Because the city's built on terrorists. Firma. Yeah, that's built on bedrock.

[C]

Wait, I don't get it. It's a boat, but it's a city.

[A]

Yeah, it's confusing. Oh, floating city.

[C]

You should have said that.

[A]

Well, now you paint a picture that's different.

[B]

Getting out of this goddamn ship is half the game.

[A]

The commercial shows Cuba Gooding Jr. Topside shooting down Japanese Zeros. You can't get out of the fucking ship. Then they kill you and you wake back up in your bunk bed. They should. Of course they. Why? By the way, who wants to go through the part where you try to get out of a burning ship for an hour and a half? How about the part where you start shooting at the Japanese?

[C]

Yeah, well. And who wants to go through the part where you have to get out of your bunk? In real life, people have to get out of bed. That's never the best part of your day.

[A]

Plus, the guy's got a boner. I mean, it's inappropriate. All right.

[B]

It would have subsided by now, though.

[A]

All right. You can see here he never gets out of it. And so I. That's the one and only video game ever bought in my life, was this one I took. Took two hours trying to get out of a fucking bunk. And I said, oh, fuck it. And that was the last video game I ever played.

[B]

Not a great game when your weapon of choice is a fire extinguisher.

[A]

Fire extinguisher. Yeah. Sweet. Sweet. All right.

[C]

Neat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

A man whose wife died in the deadly Tucson shooting one year ago, says Gabrielle Giffords and her husband makes him want to vomit.

[A]

What?

[C]

He's sick of them. 77 year old George Morris, a survivor of the shooting, blames Mark Kelly, that's Gifford's husband, for the death of his wife and five others for not taking extra precautions to protect Giffords after she'd been receiving death threats. He said, I'd like to debate our dear Captain Astronaut and ask why he didn't have security. My wife would still be alive. Morris said that he is Tired of seeing media coverage of Giffords and her husband.

[A]

Funny, I was just talking about this.

[C]

That's why you brought it in. Yeah. Every time I see them on tv, it makes me want to vomit, he said. Morris, who refused an invitation to have President Obama visit him in the hospital after the shooting, believes that Giffords should be thrown out of Congress post haste. I do not think she is worthy of serving. On Sunday, Giffords and Kelly led a vigil in Tucson to remember the victims of the shooting one year later.

[A]

So he's basically saying, my wife of what looks like 200 years would still be here if they had taken these threats seriously and they had security.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, look, there's that thing where someone you loved is dead and you're pissed off about it, and so you want to sort of blame somebody other than the madman who did this. But on the other hand, if you were getting death threats and you were going. And you are a public figure and you were going out in public, there is a weird responsibility because she does feel terrible. What's that?

[C]

I would imagine that she does feel terrible.

[A]

That's the whole thing. I mean, it's one of those things where, like, where, you know, you back. You know, it's like there are certain crimes, like where, you know, the mom takes the kid in the bassinet and the car seat thing and sets it down on the ground because the phone rings and runs in and the guy backs the SUV over the kid. And then they want to give the guy. The guy had two beers or something, so they want to give him, like, vehicular manslaughter or something. He's like, you ran over your own kid. We're good. Like, we're square. I don't need to see you do any time like you're going to be punished for the rest of your life. You'll never. Not a day will go by that you don't think about this incident. So we're cool. Like, I'm fine with that. You know, I want the guys from Enron punished, but I don't. You, You've. You've already. You've already been punished enough. This is one of those things where you got shot in the head and you clung to life for six months and had to relearn the English language and by the way, should have thrown in another language or two. Yeah, I'd be pissed, like, if I did the thing where I was like, hey, man, we had to teach you English all over again. I'm like, well, what about a little Japanese I mean, as long as I'm.

[C]

Yeah, it's like your tabula rasa.

[A]

Somebody shook my Etch A Sketch. And we're starting from new, right? Why don't we toss another language? They say it's easier to learn, you know, when you don't know the other language.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

I'd be pissed if I were her.

[C]

I would wish I could just go back and do it all over again.

[A]

I'd be like, hey, I'd be cussing at your ass in Japanese right now. Except for I don't know Japanese.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, what, you thought I couldn't handle the extra languages?

[A]

Yeah. So on one hand, yes, everyone's been punished enough. On the other hand, you're a public figure and you're getting. It's like. There was a thing, I think, where. I'm trying to think, what, coach? I don't know if it was Ditka or it was Tom Landry or something, whatever it was, but one of these guys, I think it was Tom Landry or one of the coaches back in the day was getting death threats, and he went in and, like, put a flak jacket on, like, during halftime or something, like, came back out again, and I can't remember which coach it was, but maybe it was like, Landry. Nah, no. Smaller target. That guy's all ahead. The point is this. The players didn't want to, like, stand around him on the sideline, because if somebody says, I'm going to put a bullet in you from the top of the stadium, you don't be the dude holding a clipboard standing right next to the guy, because you're just going to get hit like you're a senator in the motorcade with Kenny, you know what I'm saying? So.

[C]

And, hey, bring some jackets for your buddies.

[A]

Yeah. How about us? Shoulder pads ain't gonna stop shit. And I'm not even wearing thigh pads. I'm going like Warren Sapp. Yeah. So the thing is, if you are a public figure and you are getting death threats in a weird way, when you go out to a group or whatever, and if the bullets are gonna start flying or the dynamite's gonna start exploding, maybe you do owe it to the people who are showing up at this thing to have somebody who's there with some reflective glasses and a piece who can put a bullet in this guy's head before he gets around to the rest of the people.

[C]

Do we know that there was no security there, though? Because I would think that there probably Was some. Obviously not enough. I think almost all politicians.

[A]

I don't feel like anyone pulled their peace and returned fire at this dude.

[C]

No, they definitely didn't. But I mean, yeah, a couple of bouncers.

[A]

Well, anyway.

[C]

Anyway, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sipidcon.

[A]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, Legal Zoom. Expensive legal fees. Not this year. Not gonna let them stand between you and your New Year's resolution, are ya? You're finally gonna make that will living trust. Start your own business. Go to legalzoom.com I swear, I can't believe no one thought of this earlier. Back in 91, you think they had Legal Zoom?

[C]

Hell no.

[A]

Hell to the no. CNC music factory would have sued Legal Zoom. They do a step by step process. It is simple and you get total customer support. Or as I like to call it, total customer tickets. Listen, I don't work for. I should be on that Mad Men show. I should be on Madison Avenue. It's like. Hey, fellas, are you familiar with our new tucus program? Huh?

[C]

Are you saying tucus.

[A]

Tuchus. Total customer support took us. How about it, huh? Don't let high legal bills bite you in the tuchus. Use our total customer support, including attorneys help if you need it my way. If you don't need it, you're just hanging around the attorney. You're an ass wipe. We don't need you. There are people who need attorneys help filibustering up his stuff. Go ahead. Explain the tax program, would you, Dawson? For personal and business. Oh, he's high. No, I'm not. At least high from yesterday. For personal and business documents that have been accepted in courts and government agencies in all 50 states, you can trust Legal Zoom. For more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. For a better way to do the law, go to legalzoom.com Attorney support is provided through independent and attorneys available in most states. Legal Zoom is not a lawyer and self help services are provided at your direction. Yeah, how about later, husband? All right, let's hop to the phones. Let's see. Somebody wants to know what charity I'm playing for on the Apprentice and why. Ben, he's. Man, get it on. What's going on? Not much. Got tickets to your Boston show and a week from Friday. Oh, good. Be looking forward to seeing you over there at the House of Blues. Yeah, Saw your. Saw your little webpage on the NBC site and I was a little disappointed to hear you're not playing for the literacy foundation. Yes. Of Manhattan Yeah, I will. Hang on a second. Ben from Boston, I will tell you what foundation I am playing for and I'll tell you a little about some of the other. You guys tell me what you think. I got some thoughts about what some of the other players are playing for and we'll punch it up and it. We'll talk. All right. We'll be right back. Hi, I'm Larry Miller. But in a way, aren't we all? And this week on this Week with Larry Miller, you can hear this. I quickly as I was talking and as quietly as I could, I took off all my clothes and unwrapped the flash underwear, the flash underpants. And remember, they're not large, even though, even though I'm not necessarily the type of human body type who should be wearing, well, flash underwear. But I figured this is my kids, this is my wife. The dog doesn't know the difference anyway, or so he pretends. And so I took off all my clothes and put on the flash underwear. Tune [e-mail] and you can listen for free through itunes or the new Adam Carolla app. We'll see you here.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. So. So back to the show. Ben was asking what charity I'm playing for and why on the Celebrity Apprentice. Yes, Ben. Yeah, I was just wondering why you chose the Catholic big brothers, big sisters thing. Seems a little odd for the die hard atheist. Yeah, I'm a little different than most atheists, which is like people always talking about like, you know, like you take like Tim Tebow and they're like, is it obnoxious? And it's like, like, yeah, it is obnoxious. But siring 11 kids with, you know, like Cromartie, the DB for the jets, who has like, he's like, well, there's Ashante, he's three. And then there's Dakota, she's three. And then there's Lilibeth, she's three. And then I have, well, I have twins on the way. And then I have, there's D. Sean. It's like, sorry. After about his third three year old. You're like, how? Because you're thinking, you're thinking like a normal person. Here we go. Charis, who was 3. I have my junior, which is 3. I have my daughter who just turned 3 as of yesterday.

[B]

I have another son named Tyler.

[A]

Yeah. So he turns 3 in December. Another daughter that was born October 16th named London. Another daughter that was born named Leilani, who's 2 years old. And I have my newborn with my wife her name is Jersey. With his wife. That's refreshing. Okay, has four three year olds. The thing is this. So everyone does see how obnoxious it is with the Tim Tebow thing. The guy's a virgin. He's never been married. And he's doing, you know, he's pointing up at Jesus Christ all the time and you know, during the, you know, he's going off on mission, you know, going digging wells in Africa, like during his red. So fucking be it. Yeah, you know, I mean, I wish you. I was telling someone today, I wish everyone was gay and everyone was deeply religious. I wish everyone was born again gay. That's what I wish. You want to know why?

[C]

I do want to know why.

[A]

More pussy for me and I could do whatever I wanted. You know what I mean?

[C]

So you just want the guys?

[A]

I want all the guys. Oh, yeah, shit, you're right. I want all the guys to be gay and born again.

[C]

Right.

[A]

That's what I want. Because they're just gonna be praying and building houses and building houses and digging wells and then sell the pussy for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You see what I'm saying?

[C]

I do. It's a good plan.

[A]

So whereas Tebow's obnoxious, I get the feeling that Cromartie's kids, or at least a version of Cromartie and his kids might come back to haunt society, whereas Tebow won't. He's just praying to a make believe guy in the sky. So I don't have a problem with that. If it keeps you in line and you're gonna go dig a well in Africa so Cromartie can have more kids, then that's your business. I don't care about that now. I'm playing with the Catholic big brothers because I was a Catholic big brother back in the early 90s. And there's a picture of me with my name tag. Of course, I don't need one now.

[B]

Sniffs are getting longer.

[A]

They are. They. I think they are a little bit better.

[C]

They are. They definitely are.

[A]

Yeah. You see, I got a white kid, so it's kind of bummed me out. But that was me at one of the pictures of me. And go to amcroll.com see me, my name tag.

[B]

Are you at a zoo?

[A]

We were at a park and it was like the annual once it once a year cookout that they would put on. And I got caught up in the Catholic Big Brother organization back in the day because my troop, my improv troupe used to do Christmas shows for them and they're you know, improv. It's hard to do clean improv, by the way. At least be funny. Like kid friendly improv places.

[C]

Christian improv where you could.

[A]

So we'd go to the church and we'd do the thing. But there was. As far as the Catholic big brothers went. There was never any religion brought up. It was never discussed. I never discussed it with him. I don't even know what he was, other than his dad wasn't around, and that was about it. He had a bunch of brothers, a couple brothers. His mom, adopted kid named Gabe who's, like, from Dominican or something. And, you know, Pops wasn't around and needed a guy to kick around with, so that's what me and Nate did, and that was done early 90s.

[C]

91.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, would we dance? We would stay up all night back when people wore blue blockers all night. Those were not blue blockers. They're blue, but they ain't blocking shit.

[C]

No.

[A]

So we would. We would. We would just hang out and, you know, I'd go out with them on the weekends and all that kind of stuff. And I got hooked up through this organization, and so I thought, well, I don't. You know, that'll be my charity, because I don't really have a real strong connection to any other charities. But then. But then I started. I don't know. Why do you. Tell me if you guys feel this way? You know, when people do a charity, that's for their group. Like, George Takei plays for the Asian American Internment Camp. Survivors of. It's like. It feels. It doesn't feel.

[C]

It feels like not.

[A]

You're playing for you. Yeah, like. Like Magic Johnson is playing for their. Arsenio. I mean, Arsenio hall is playing for the Magic Johnson Foundation. I'll find the.

[B]

Oh, you should have done the brain tumor research, buddy.

[A]

Yeah. Aw.

[B]

It's a layup.

[A]

George Takei's playing for the Japanese American National Museum. Let's see the one that. I don't know why. I don't know why this one. Well, Tia Carrera is not playing for the After School All Stars. Or if she is, she's playing with the Pacific Islanders, like, after School All Stars. Like, half of them were like, hey, what color am I and what's my race and what's my sexual proclivities? And then I'll play for that.

[C]

How much do you think they themselves choose the charity versus their. You know, I don't know who. People who sort of give them advice, help them select one.

[A]

I think These guys, like, Paul Tuttle was telling me that he'd done stuff with the Make a Wish foundation and stuff like that. And to me, I like that kind of stuff. Like, just that. And then I started thinking, well, you're doing Catholic Big brothers and you're dude, and you're not Catholic, but you know what I mean, It's a whitey dude thing to do, so maybe I shouldn't judge. And then I thought, nah, let's get back to judging. D. Snyder, March of Dimes and all that kind of stuff. Cheryl Teagues, playing for the Fair Foster Foundation. So it's weird. It's sort of like. It starts off with.

[C]

Is that, like, beautiful person playing for a beautiful person?

[A]

Yeah, it's like, hey, I gotta play with another leggy blonde. Like, I gotta help out the leggy bonds. Like, it is a weird thing. Like, Arsenio's doing magic. John's like, I gotta help out the brothers. And then underneath that, that's. And it's a little bit. Diana Mendoza's playing for the Latino Commission for aids. And she's like, Latino. Like, it just. Everything feels like racing for cancer. Racing for cancer, right.

[C]

She said she should be playing for the, like, Perfect Ass Foundation.

[A]

Yeah, she should.

[B]

Lou Ferrigno. Nothing to do with green people.

[A]

No.

[B]

I was gonna say, yeah, that's possibly true, too, but no, no. Deaf charities.

[A]

Yeah, it's partially deaf, right? Well, yeah, and it's tough, too, for the comedians, because you realize when you get together, you start making fun, everyone starts making fun of everyone. And, you know, so immediately it's like, you know, you're driving in the van and you're like, oh. And then George said. The guy from Lost in Space. Right. But then you go. And then Lou says, And then you go, oh, wait a minute, I can't do the deaf guy. But then, wait a minute. That's what Lou. In a way, it's a sort of ism. I don't know if it's a racism or disinclusionism or something bashing not to do. Lou is Lou. And Lou's such a big dude, and he sounds so much that you can't go. And then Lou said, hi, I'd like some help. You know, like, you can't do it. You have to. It's impossible for comedian. It's like, I. I don't know. You're. It's. It's. It's like, it's. It's. You know how it's impossible for people to talk about Jay Leno without Going. And then Leno says, hey, right on the motorcycle. And then I said, no. And they said, well, I'm right on the steam car. You know, every. There's impossible to do talk about Jay Leno without doing Jay Leno. Lou Ferrigno is very difficult to talk about without doing Lou. If you hung out with Louis, but then you realize there's a camera on you, and that makes you an asshole because you're doing a deaf guy, but you're doing Lou, who's a celebrity who sounds like that.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's. It's. It's condescending to do him.

[A]

Me and Arsenio and Lisa Lampanelli decided we should just do Lou and then decide it was Cheryl Teague's idea. That's what we.

[B]

Yeah, Same problem with Marlee Matlin and Dancing with the Stars.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Same thing.

[A]

Absolutely. All right. So anyway, Catholic big brother, because I was a Catholic big brother. And there you go. Thanks, Ben. Yeah, thanks, Adam. See you in a few weeks. Yeah, we'll see in a few weeks, brother. Let's see. I don't know what line three saying here, but let's try it out. Hey, Sam. Yeah. What's going on? Hey, Adam. Get it on. Get it on, buddy. Loving you. What's up? I had a Kill, Fuck, Mary question for you. Mmm. See, I'm so illiterate. I can't. I thought Kill, Fuck Mary was a Russ Myers movie or something. Like. And asides, it said Fuck Mary, kill. And I thought. I thought you were saying. And then there's no apostrophe behind the Mary, so it's like. I thought it was saying Fuck Mary, kill, and I didn't know who Mary Kill was. And it just said, oh, fuck it. You're the next line. Did you guys know what it was? Yeah.

[C]

You did? Yeah.

[A]

All right, go ahead. All right, it's between bald Brian, Larry Miller. You answer them all, and then I answer, right. Bald Brian, Bald Brian, Larry Miller. That's important to me and Mike Dawson.

[D]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

Mary and Kill, dude. See, I'm trying to think Larry Miller is 20 years older. I'm trying to think who would die off faster if I married him.

[C]

Strategic.

[A]

But Dawson smokes two packs a day, and Brian's got a brain tumor, so it's like, I don't know who's going first. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

You can't make a wrong choice.

[A]

Yeah. You don't want to fuck that up.

[B]

I feel like Larry's the logical choice for Mary because he's an earner?

[A]

Yeah, he's an earner. Yeah. Brian spent a lot of time sack and stuff like that. Yeah. All right. I would say I would marry. Sorry, Dawson, I gotta kill you because you use Velveeta in your. Thank you. I gotta kill Dawson. I gotta marry Larry Miller because he's an earner. And I'd fuck Brian because whether I'm in the mood to be a top or the bottom, he frankly so riddled with radiation, he doesn't think that. No, but I'm just saying I get to call the shots. Yeah.

[B]

I couldn't fight you off.

[A]

You're not gonna fight me off.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, Dawson could be pretty scrappy. Plus that beer's not helping.

[B]

And the weak effort I put up might actually be good for you.

[A]

Right? Right. Okay. There you go. Kill Dawson, Mary Larry Miller and fuckball Brian. Thank you. Sounds good. All right. All right, no problemo. All right, let's see, one more call. Let's see. Let's talk to Rich. Rich, yeah, calling from Seattle. Yeah.

[B]

Yes, I am.

[A]

Hey, man, I'm coming out there pretty soon, I think. Yeah, you should move up here pretty soon, I think. Oh, my God, really? Between all the graffiti and the fucking shithole that LA's turned into. And Seattle, I mean, I know you're from there. I lived in LA for six years and I was pretty happy to move up here. Oh, my God. Well, I gotta tell you, I mean, I'm not exaggerating. When you drive around la, they have bump. Well, first off, as you. As we've talked about, there's graffiti everywhere and there's a slow, low grade depression that sets in when you just kind of look around. I mean, if you think about it, and I know this is all wind that's been blown into your sock before, but I'll do it again. What is a view after all? Like, when you're looking out your kitchen window, you're either looking at lights of the city, you know, but it's not. You're not in the city, you're not jumping off the cliff or you're looking at a brick wall. What's the difference? You're not leaving your kitchen sink. Psychologically, it is great to look out of your window and see the ocean, versus look staring out your window and seeing hobo shoot up. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

But either way, hobo shooting up in the ocean.

[A]

Yeah, you're not gonna be in the ocean or with the hobos. You're just looking at it through your window. But it's causing an effect in your brain, L.A. graffiti everywhere, trash everywhere else. For the amount of money this city brings in and the amount of money of the people that live in this city. It is a fucking trashy city. It's a trashy city. I think I had, like, the same view years you had because I lived on Landell, like between Moorpark and Lankershim. Yeah, yeah. Like, right on the corner from the Vendome. No, no. Ho, baby. And so. So. And then there's the barbed wire around all the freeway signs. There is a freeway on ramp. They're building a new freeway down the 5. I will pass it in the next couple days. When driving out this. Right. They're building a freeway and it's covered with graffiti. And they're working on it. They're not done with it yet. I was joking up on stage that the gangbangers must be standing next to the guys that are the finish masons going, is that set up yet? Soon as it's set up, I'm just gonna start tagging it. And then I said, why don't they just mix the fucking Krylon in with the cement out here? Cause Michael show you the picture of the. It's being worked upon and it's already completely covered with graffiti. At least let us fucking use it for you. Let us let the fucking mayor cut the ribbon on it and then you tag it.

[B]

So photo op that'll be cutting a ribbon with graffiti all over it.

[A]

Well, seriously, like, the freeway signs are covered with. With barbed wire or. And. Or spray paint. There's bumper stickers all over the cop cars that says, you know, end senior abuse. And there's these things outside of every fucking. Every fire station that says, drop your kid off here. Don't flush him down the toilet. This is a picture I took on the five. They're working on this. It's not being torn down. It looks like it's been up for 100 years. It's like it had been out by the pier or something. They're building a freeway on ramp. It is completely covered in graffiti. And these guys are working on it every day. Each foot they complete gets tagged. They don't go more than a foot without it being tagged.

[D]

Maybe they're doing it.

[A]

Nobody wants to talk about this. In la, you're slowly depressing the fuck out of everyone who lives in your city. So everything's covered with graffiti. There's trash everywhere. We don't. As you can see from the strip in between. We don't. You see, we're so fucking stupid. And you know what it is? It's hubris. Because when you go, and I do this all the time, you go to Phoenix, you see how they scape the place. They put rocks down, they put indigenous cacti down and it looks nice. You go drive through Vegas, you go drive through Phoenix, they realize they live in a desert. We refuse to realize we live in a desert. And thus all we have is fucking dead scrub and shit. We were trying to grow. Just put some fucking rocks down. Just put some rocks and a cactus down and pretend we're in Phoenix. Because when you drive around the Phoenix, you leave Phoenix. You leave the Phoenix airport. The freeway's clean. It looks. It's manicured. It looks like somebody did something. Louisiana is fucking trashy. It's really pretending it's in Mexico. It looks like it's Mexico. Gee, I wonder what the association could be. Hmm. Be impossible to have anything to do with Mexico. It has no idea. As a matter of fact, whoa, Seattle, you're close to Canada. I can't believe you're not covered with graffiti and trash over there. All those filthy Canadians coming over. The point is this. It looks like shit. No one will say a fucking word about it. No one will do a fucking thing about it. The cop cars have the Stop Senior Abuse. Then they have the other one, which I enjoy a lot now, which is no human trafficking, which is K, N O W. Like I'm gonna get to know human trafficking. There's been a out of touch and no, and don't flush your kid down the toilet. Drop your infant off at the fire station. That's. That's what we have. That's what we have, okay? In Seattle, they have. They have flags. We'll show you a picture of that. They have flags for crossing the street that go back into the receptacle, which would never happen in la. They'd be sharpened and people be stabbed with them. But LA is a piece of shit and somebody's got a fucking pipe up and you do something about this. Because it's not for lack of funding. There's enough money here to turn this thing around, but no one will fucking point a finger and go, the fuck is going on? Why does it look so shitty? What's going on? When are we gonna correct this? It's a low grade. It's like a very. It's like a very slow poisoning. It's being introduced to us in little bits and pieces and we all just drive around just a little more depressed than we would have been if we're in Seattle. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to set you off. Other than that, it's awesome. Hey, Rich, I'll see you up at the Moore Theater coming up in March, I guess. Yeah, I'll be there, man. I saw you the last time you came to the Moore. It was great. Great theater, right? Yeah, it was cool. Love that goddamn place. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Do you guys want to get a room?

[A]

No, I'm just laughing because Mary Kayla Ranch, I know, had a funny Donnie story when we were at the Mo was. We had a bunch of sold out the Moore Theaters, like 1920 seats or something, and showed up about. Showed up about four minutes before eight before the show started, and was a little bit nervous because, like, man, there's a lot of people in this place. And it sold out. And me and Mike Augustin walking in the back door, and Donnie came running up to us and he said, said, we got a problem. And I was like, holy shit. If that projector's gone or that computer's down and I got to go out and just do 90 minutes without the picture of the barbed wire behind me in front of 2,000 people, I'm not feeling good about this. And Donnie. So Mike and I just stopped at our tracks and we said, what happened? What's going on? He's like, jeremiah Weed sent over a bunch of T shirts, and I don't want to ship them back. And Mike and I went, oh, oh, good, good, good, good. All right, now listen, don't worry about the T shirts. Just one box. Yeah. All right, fuck it. We'll leave them here. I don't give a shit anyway. Go back up to the balcony, get on that computer, because I don't care about those T shirts. And he stopped and he said, what are we gonna do about those T shirts? I was half pissed, but I was half relieved. Like, it wasn't a. It wasn't an issue. It wasn't a crisis. It had to do with having too many an abundance of Jeremiah Weed T shirts. It was the first time we played them. More maybe the second time. Anyway, March 9th coming up on Friday. Love me some Seattle. You know what else I love? Napoleon Dynamite. There's the flags. They have flags for crossing the street in Seattle. We have bumper stickers asking you to get to know human trafficking a little bit better and not to beat the fuck out of Nana. Those are. That's what we have. They have flags that evidently go from one side of the street and go right back into the hopper.

[C]

Yeah, those that would never work.

[A]

We could never be trusted.

[C]

Never ever.

[A]

Never ever.

[C]

We can barely handle shopping carts.

[A]

Now. You'd see bums walking around in full suits that were just made, stitched together with dental floss out of those flags, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. You know what else I love? Napoleon Dynamite. Smooth one, ace. Man, I sniffed to myself.

[B]

Short sniff there for you, buddy.

[A]

That was for me. All right. That was just for me.

[C]

Tired out from the long ones.

[A]

Fox Sunday Animation domination. It continues. Sweeter than ever, everybody. Napoleon Dynamite, of course, based on the hit film. Think the series of kids books. No, no, it's based on the hit film and it has the original cast all in place, all doing not only the voiceovers, but the voice. Probably just a voice. Probably.

[B]

Stick to what you know.

[A]

You know. You know, I like when a guy knows he's wrong. You know, I'm going to look into that. I'm going to look into that and.

[B]

Get back to you.

[A]

And never get back to you and never get back to you because I'll look into it and I'll find out I'm wrong.

[C]

So I'll never get back to.

[A]

I'm gonna look into that. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. I'll look into that. You know what? I'm get back to you.

[B]

What do you know?

[A]

I'm gonna look into that. Yeah. And guest voices. Amy Poehler's coming on. Sam Rockwell. That's a strong name.

[C]

Rockwell really is.

[A]

They must had a hit in 91 right after the Simpsons on Fox Sunday night. That's right after the Simpsons, Fox Sunday. And let's wrap it up. Let's bring it on home. Also, Amazon keeping the pirate ship afloat. People loving you through Amazon. You're gonna buy something on Amazon. Click through to AdamKroll.com hit the banner. Show us some love. We're building a new studio. That's Amazon money. That's building us that studio. Keep it going. I love you for it. So until next time, it's Adam Kroll for bald Brian Allison Rose and saying mahalo. Oh, hey, there's some bodies here. Let's urinate on them. All right, that was adam K Show 733. That does it for this weekend's cruel Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments.

[B]

Until then, mahalo.

[A]

And get it off. Sam.