Jimmy Kimmel + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Jimmy Kimmel + Alison and Bryan (Sept 20, 2025)

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Main Theme / Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode presents segments from two different Adam Carolla Show archive episodes featuring Adam’s long-time friend, late night host Jimmy Kimmel. The show is built around their signature unfiltered, irreverent banter, looking back on their years of collaboration, misadventures, and the unlikely trajectory from blue-collar jobs to TV and radio stardom. Allison Rosen and Bryan Bishop also join for the 2013 segment, broadening the dynamic with showbiz reflections, personal anecdotes, and riffing on pop culture, the media, and their own weaknesses and triumphs.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

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I. Adam & Jimmy Kimmel: Catching Up and Banter (2009)

[00:54–76:50]

A. The Wardrobe “Riff”

• Adam and Jimmy open with Jimmy mocking Adam’s mismatched, almost “third world” attire.
• Jimmy: “You dress like people in a third world who wear whatever’s given to them.” [01:12]
• Adam explains he just came from a “No H8” photo shoot, poking fun at Hollywood’s empty activism.
• Adam: “They’re never going to develop the film.” [02:46]

B. Hollywood Activism & “No H8”

• Both lampoon the performative nature of celebrity activism.
• Adam reflects on doing causes just for image rather than impact.

C. Old Men’s Fashion & Generational Shifts

• Riff on how older men dress — from Larry King’s starched jeans to “adult baby shoes” and Skechers.
• Jimmy: “It’s the male equivalent to the old lady who refuses to cut her hair.” [06:29]
• Discussion about shoe trends, untied laces, and how Run DMC or airport security might be to blame.

D. The Ellen Degeneres / Rosie O’Donnell “Love Fest”

• Adam wonders why Ellen bothers him, hypothesizes there’s “a scary person behind the dancing person”—noting similarities to Rosie O’Donnell.
• Jimmy: “At Ellen, I know a few people that work there. They really have good things to say about Ellen.” [11:55]

E. Parents, Genetics, and Looks

• Warm, self-deprecating exchanges about which of their families are more attractive.
• Adam: “No child should ever have parents that are better looking than they are.” [13:03]
• Jimmy notes he’s “among the worst looking people” in his family.

F. Genetics, Height, Exercise & Unfairness

• Adam laments: despite a lifetime of sports and “200,000 wind sprints,” he looks “exactly the same” shirtless as Donnie, who never exercised and ate “Carney’s chili fries.”
• “Is that fucking fair?” [18:45]

G. Football, Parties, and Friendship

• Adam and Jimmy recall attempting to host football Sundays, only for no one to show up at Adam’s house.
• Riff about buying food for parties that nobody attends and missing “Dickie from the Bosstones” tending bar.

H. Physical Invisibility: “Bad Back Syndrome”

• Adam’s advice: always claim to have a “bad back” to get out of helping people move.
• “The bad back is the greatest thing because it’s invisible.” [36:47]

I. Stoner Culture, Reggae & Travel

• Adam confesses his hatred for reggae; Jimmy recalls seeing airport security in Jamaica wearing a bin Laden shirt.
• “Sadly, the guy who mows my lawn hates me a lot more than the guy who’s bringing me a daiquiri in Cabo.” [40:26]

J. Stories from the Road: Pahrump & Prostitution

• Adam details a miserable shoot in Pahrump, NV: rundown casinos, legal prostitution, and a depressing suite from the '60s.
• The guys reflect on the reality (and sadness) of brothels, “petting zoo of pigs,” and the clientele prostitutes encounter.

K. Media, Sports Gambling, and “The Ace Mushroom”

• References to Bill Simmons’ column; Adam is the unlucky “Ace mushroom” who ruins others’ bets.
• “If I took my shirt off right now… you could tell no fucking discernible difference between us.” [18:54]

L. Jimmy’s Showbiz Routine

• Jimmy outlines a day-in-the-life of a nightly talk show host: writers’ meeting at 11am, rehearsal at 2pm, taping at 7pm, plus hands-on involvement editing scripts.
• Preference for cue cards over teleprompters: “You can be loose with cue cards.” [62:41]

M. Acting, Memorization, and The Reality of TV

• Extended riffing on how hard it is to memorize sitcom scripts and the tricks actors/writers use (cue cards, rewriting scripts for props), poking fun at Hollywood’s dysfunction.

N. Late Night Landscape

• Analyze changes post-Leno: TV ratings fragmentation, dwindling “pie,” and what constitutes “success.”
• Adam: “If in seven years you’re still on the air, you’re doing good.” [75:46]

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II. Adam, Jimmy, Alison, and Bryan: Showbiz Origins, Contrast in Families, and Media Culture (2013)

[77:15–166:22]

A. Adam Interviews Jimmy: From Radio Rejection to TV Stardom

• Adam sets out to do a “serious” interview about Jimmy’s career rise.
• Jimmy describes early failures: fired repeatedly from radio jobs, valeting cars in Phoenix, sending out hundreds of tapes.
• “Guilty until proven innocent” atmosphere in radio; bosses claimed to want “edgy,” but actually feared it.
• Recurring career theme: being let go for “causing trouble,” but always working hard and showing up.

B. Meeting and Early Collaboration

• Adam and Jimmy recount how they met, their fateful early showbiz partnership, and how Adam got on KROQ via Jimmy, initially with a shop teacher character.
• “You just have to pick your moments… you just have to kind of be good at the right time.” [99:18]

C. Changing Technology, Burned-Out Pleasure Centers

• Discussion about how Google and instant gratification have “fried” their kids’ pleasure/reward centers.
• Nostalgia for when things required more effort (e.g., driving to the store to find a funny cookie name like “pecan sandies” for a comedy bit).

D. Friendship, Jealousy, and Professional Success

• Adam and Jimmy reflect on their lack of envy toward each other, despite divergent career paths.
• Adam admits, “There are times when I stop and think I should just be jealous… but I just feel happy.” [110:44]

E. Adam’s Semi-Literacy and “Carolla Syndrome”

• Adam candidly explains he didn’t learn to read until adulthood; Jimmy speculates maybe Adam has his own learning disorder.
• Adam: “When you get tested for dyslexia, it’s like getting an AIDS test and hoping you’re HIV positive.” [116:47]

F. Fame, Recognition and Humiliation

• Adam tells senior frog’s story in Mexico: women swarm him for MTV, but one says to Jimmy, “My dad watches you on Win Ben Stein’s Money.” [120:13]

G. Families: Kimmel vs. Carolla

• Adam and Jimmy compare their wildly different upbringings—Adam’s detached, Kimmel’s close-knit (bordering on overbearing).
• Jimmy: “My family is more involved with you than most families are with their own children.” [130:16]

H. Early Marriages, Husbands as Hostages

• Jimmy, married young, reflects on how he’s improved as a husband and the perils of marrying too early.
• “I was half husband, half hostage.” [134:29]

I. Aging, Boners, and News

• Riffing on when “falling” becomes news for the elderly, and the inevitability of embarrassing boners before physicals.

J. Manti Te’o Hoax & Media Cycles

• Dissect Manti Te’o’s “catfishing” hoax: stupidity vs. lying, and why the story obsesses America.
• Jimmy: “If I was him, I’d come out whether I was gay or not. That’s what I’d do.” [150:46]

K. Miscellaneous: Lance Armstrong, Hooters, and Baking Shows

• Hot takes on Lance Armstrong’s doping apology, Hooters redesign, excessive “attitude” in cooking competitions.
• “Why does everything have to be so juiced up and in your face?!” [142:44]

L. Christmas Comedy: “Christmas Time in the LBC”

• Replay of musical parody with Jimmy as Snoop Dogg.
• Adam: “Some stuff holds up. This one holds up.” [166:19]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

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• On Adam’s attire:
  • Jimmy: “You dress like people in a third world who wear whatever’s given to them.” [01:12]
• On Hollywood activism:
  • Adam: “They’re never going to develop the film.” [02:46]
• On aging & shoes:
  • Jimmy: “Adult sized baby shoes is what they start wearing.” [06:25]
• On “bad back” excuses:
  • Adam: “The bad back is the greatest thing because it’s invisible.” [36:47]
• On stoner stereotypes:
  • Adam: “I’m mostly focused on Al Qaeda these days. I’m done attacking the people that cause no harm.” [39:18]
• On radio bosses:
  • Jimmy: “They are. Radio is just above mime… It’s just above performing out on the street for nickels at the farmer's market.” [89:29]
• On friendship and success:
  • Adam: “There are times when I stop and think I should just be jealous… but I just feel happy.” [110:44]
• On learning to read late in life:
  • Adam: “When you get tested for dyslexia, it’s like getting an AIDS test and hoping you’re HIV positive.” [116:47]
• On their families:
  • Jimmy: “My family is more involved with you than most families are with their own children.” [130:16]
• On forced-feeding by parents:
  • Jimmy: “My mother, like, it’s a typical Italian thing, but she’s a force feeder and it’s crazy… she forced my fiancée to eat five slices of cake…” [133:31]
• On marital readiness:
  • Adam: “If you’re willing to get out of your car and bang on that guy’s window, you’re not ready for marriage.” [137:25]
• On instant gratification:
  • Adam: “Their pleasure centers are fried… there’s too much, they can’t compute.” [105:50]
• On acting memorization:
  • Adam: “There’s got to be a better way. First off, if you wrote it, it’s a little easier.” [66:55]
• On Manti Te’o:
  • Jimmy: “If I was him, I’d come out whether I was gay or not. That’d be my move.” [150:50]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [00:54] – Adam welcomes Jimmy Kimmel.
• [01:12] – Jimmy about Adam’s outfit.
• [11:55] – Jimmy on Ellen’s reputation among staff.
• [13:03] – Adam: “No child should have parents better-looking than them.”
• [18:54] – Adam’s “is it fair” fitness rant.
• [22:46] – The “coffee can fart prank” story.
• [36:47] – The “bad back is invisible” life hack.
• [62:41] – Jimmy on cue cards vs. teleprompters.
• [75:46] – Adam: “If seven years on the air, you’re doing good.”
• [77:15] – Shift to 2013 segment with Alison and Bryan.
• [81:06] – Jimmy’s teen Letterman obsession and early ambition.
• [90:51] – Jimmy moves back in with parents after being fired.
• [99:18] – Adam on nailing early radio auditions.
• [109:50] – Adam reflects on his lack of jealousy.
• [116:47] – Adam’s reading diagnosis story.
• [120:13] – The “win Ben Stein’s Money” recognition in Mexico.
• [130:16] – Jimmy: “My family is more involved with you...”
• [133:31] – Jimmy’s mother the “force feeder.”
• [137:25] – Adam’s “if you’re still fiery, you’re not ready for marriage.”
• [150:50] – Jimmy’s advice on Manti Te’o hoax.
• [166:19] – “Christmas Time in the LBC” holds up.
• [171:19] – Wrap-up and show close.

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Episode Flow, Tone, and Takeaways

The episode is a sprawling, rapid-fire cross-section of what makes Adam and Jimmy such a beloved comedic duo: self-effacing honesty, a willingness to go deep but not take themselves seriously, and a genuine affection that undercuts all the roasting.

Their anecdotes serve both as biting showbiz commentary and as personal mythology—evidence that talent, resilience, and loyalty matter just as much (if not more) than industry validation. The show is studded with bits of real advice: “claim a bad back,” “be ready for your moment,” and “fry your pleasure centers at your peril.” It’s affectionate, profane, and reflective—classic Carolla and Kimmel, opening the vault and inviting listeners into their world.

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For first-time or returning listeners, this episode is a snapshot of the Adam Carolla Show at its best: unpredictable, deeply personal, and reliably hilarious.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to Cool Classics.

[B]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the.

[A]

Best moments, highlights and fans like the.

[B]

Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. Check out podcast One plus for exclusive access to the Corolla Classics feed that features all the episodes of this entire show ad free. And if you like ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you'd like to get access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla Show 196 Jimmy Kimmel in studio 2009. Hope you guys enjoy.

[A]

Get it on. Welcome back to the podcast the great Jimmy Kimmel. Good to see you, James.

[B]

I think we have a choice as to whether we have to get it on or not.

[A]

I. I cannot make that decision for you, but as for myself, I have to choose.

[B]

It becomes rape at a certain point. I'm always interested to see what you'll be wearing when I. Especially here because you dress like. Like people in a third world who wear whatever's given to them.

[A]

Yeah. Stuff that the GIs leave behind.

[B]

Yeah, because you've got like kind of a nice like linen shirt on, zipper in the front and a T shirt under it. But then you've got some odd sweatpants that I'm gonna guess you got for free.

[A]

I would hope so.

[B]

And then ankle high white socks which I've never been able to. I don't know, I've never been able. But, but really old man, like maybe expensive like slippers, Italian slippers. I know, look like something like your grandfather would have had.

[A]

Well, let me be truthful and tell you what I just did and then tell you why this is going to sound funny. Jimmy was scheduled to come in this morning and tape this podcast. I was at Jimmy's yesterday actually would be two days ago on Sunday. And when I was leaving, Jimmy said, hey man, can we do it at 4 o'? Clock? And instead of doing it at 10am right.

[B]

Although I never knew about 10am oh.

[A]

Well you can thank Mike August for that who was at your house all day and didn't say a fucking word. But anyway, so you said four o'. Clock. So then I got home and I realized I had this no hate photo shoot that Dr. Drew roped me into no hate. That's the Hollywood community, you know, standing up for the gay community.

[B]

You're on that side. Which side are you on?

[A]

Oh, no, sure. They're never going to develop the film.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

You.

[B]

How are you standing up for them?

[A]

You know, it's one of those. It's one of those stupid things that Hollywood people. It's like when they sign the petition.

[B]

Bending over for them.

[A]

Well, it's like signing a petition to get Polanski out of the joint, you know, like it's not going to do anything, but you do it. And people think you're progressive and cool and filled with hatred and bigotry. So Drew did it, and Drew basically said, you signed me up for him. Yeah. And then what are you supposed to do? I really hate the gays. As a matter of fact, I'm pissing into a fire extinguisher right now. I'm gonna go down to Ventura and hose some down in the back of a pickup truck with the, you know, with the General Lee flag on the side, like. So I was like, all right, I'll do it at. I'll do it at 4 o'. Clock. That was as of a few days ago, right? So then I realized, oh, shit. I told Jimmy he's got to do this thing at four. Or Jimmy asked if you could do it at four o' clock today, right? Then. So I sent you an email, right? And the email said, I got this gay photo shoot to do.

[B]

Oh, I thought you meant this is.

[A]

Where it's going to get fun. This is where it's going to get funny. So I said, I got this gay photo shoot to do at 4 o'. Clock. Can we do it some other time? Later, earlier, whatever. Got hit send on the email and the phone rings. It was the Tonight show or the Jay Leno Show. Can you fill in for somebody? Somebody's dropped out. I said, what time? 4 o'. Clock. I said, oh, great. Because Jimmy's gonna think that I was bullshitting, that he wanted to do it four and that I said I could do it at four. And then they called and then I said photo shoot as a way to skirt saying, doing the Jay Leno show and this is going to be a fucking disaster. And then they called back 10 minutes later and said, we don't need you. Which meant they got Kathy.

[B]

But how does that explain this ensemble? I mean, this is what you wore to the photo shoot.

[A]

The ensemble, the photo shoot is a waist up thing and whatever. Whenever it's waist up I always go south, hips down.

[B]

You almost go extra out of your way.

[A]

I will soil myself if I'm wearing decent jeans. Just to. There's something I love the concept of like doing, you know, posing for a portrait from the, you know, chest up in underpants.

[B]

Because like Larry King, if you ever go to Larry King's studio, you see him, he wears, he wears jeans with his, you know, suspenders and his shirt and his tie and everything. And it looks weird because the jeans are really ironed. You know, they look like they've been starched.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's like an old guy thing.

[A]

Yes. Creased jeans.

[B]

He's like, I'm being cool, I'm being casual. But I'm still, I still got a real element of formal going.

[A]

I argue that, and I think we talked about this before, that old guys wearing jeans that are hip jeans make them look older than just wearing like a jumpsuit or even golf pants.

[B]

I agree with you completely. Even when your dad shows up with like a pair of sneakers that aren't white, with no. A generic brand that he found.

[A]

Well, who knew that vans were going to get as popular as they are? And it's so weird to see like a 61 year old guy wearing Skechers.

[B]

Yeah. Like, it is weird. Yeah.

[A]

It's so. It freaks me out. And then somebody should tell them, like, you need to wear those weird beige shoes with the Velcro on them and not the Skechers or the Vans.

[B]

I don't think they know adult sized baby shoes is what they start wearing.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not sure. It's kind of. It's the male equivalent to the old lady who refuses to cut her hair and has the really long hair.

[B]

Yeah. Although I think that's more of a conscious thing. Whereas I think like older men will wear whatever shoes they're presented with. Yeah. So like, if your daughter buys you some shoes that she thinks is, you know, whatever, you look cute in them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I don't, I don't want to look cute. I don't want people, oh, how cute.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm not looking forward to that because I think it's, I don't know, it's demeaning in a way. I can't wear the clothes that other people wear now just because I urinate on myself all the time.

[A]

Yeah. Just because my shoes are filled with.

[B]

Urine and maybe that's why they seem thicker.

[A]

They do seem more absorbent than a lot of shoes.

[B]

They're like wearing marshmallows.

[A]

Also. I Don't know what happened to guys. Maybe it's airport security, but your shoes aren't tied right now. People stopped tying their shoes about seven years ago. I think it was about the time the Unabomber or the shoe bomber screwed with us. I'm trying to think, I don't know.

[B]

As you know, probably I never tie my shoes and the reason I do that is because my is very wide and I can't really. They don't fit very well in regular sneakers, so I just keep them untied. But I think people started when Run DMC didn't have shoelaces in their shoes. And then it went away because I would get asked. It's funny you say that because people all the time would say, hey, your shoes are untied. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. And I think I did it to save time when I was on the radio in the morning or something. As if I saved more like 20 seconds, you know. But I started doing it and people have stopped asking me about it. I don't know if because they're used to it or maybe it's because other people are doing it.

[A]

I think it's a combination of trend and just pure intimidation. So I think it's both. But it's also a weird thing and I really hope that everyone else does this and I'm not the only just fucking lunatic that does this. But I would put my shoes on early in the morning or almost anytime now, and I'd put them on and I'd go, alright, should you tie them or should you put that off for later in the day? Like when you're in your car at a red light or some other point when it seems like you have a little bit of downtime. And then a little voice in my head would say, just tie the shoes. You're down there now. Like you're putting them on, you're sliding them on your feet. You should tie them now. And then another voice would go, you know what? You don't need to tie them just to walk over to the kitchen and pour a bowl of cereal. Tie him when you want to tie them. That's your business. And I think, really, I'm having a huge wrestling match over tying my shoes.

[B]

It's like the angel and the devils on your shoulders, except for neither one of them really has much of an opinion.

[A]

But at this age, at this age, do you really think, wouldn't you just bend down and tie your shoes when you put them on? Like, would you really have a Deep moral and philosophical battle over when the shoes need to be tied.

[B]

Sometimes I think about it. The only time it really hits me is if I have to run or I wind up in a fight, I'm gonna be in trouble.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna have to quickly, like maybe say to the guy, if I'm about like, hey, hold on one second. Let me just tie my shoes and we'll get on with this.

[A]

Well, they used to let you take your jacket off.

[B]

Yeah, well, you know what, in the movies. Yes. But I was in high school, actually junior high school. That jacket move there. This kid said, I'm gonna take my. He started taking his jacket off, and the other kid just pound hit him about 30 times in the face while he was taking off his jacket. It was kind of diabolical, really.

[A]

The. And there used to be a whole lot of. You wouldn't hit a guy in glasses, would you? Humor.

[B]

You know what it was? It was you wouldn't hit a guy in glasses because if you do, his mother's gonna kill you. Really? I think is what it was attached to.

[A]

And now with half the people wearing.

[B]

Contacts, you just 2 for 40 at LensCrafters. It's like, really? You're gonna wait for that?

[A]

Well, let me ask you. I saw. I saw an apropos of not. I saw Ellen and Oprah just. Just having a. Just like 69ing on a skateboard today.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And they're just having such a love fest, those two. And then I thought, why am I bothered by Ellen? I can't figure out why I'm bothered by her, and I'm not. I don't have any deep seated hatred for Ellen, but I'm a little bothered by her. And I can't figure it out. I know you were on the show last week, and I can't tell. I've never met her, so I can't figure out why. My spidey sense tingles. I fear that there's a scary person behind the dancing person. Just like in Rosie's situation with the oh, I love David Cassidy and the Chubb Club and who wants another s'? More?

[B]

Well, you know, all I can say about Ellen is, is when Rosie was doing her show, you talk to anybody that worked for that show, and they all, oh, she's a monster.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And in fact, when I went on the View dressed as Rosie, everyone was absolutely delighted, from the host of the show to the entire crew. And that's a good indication of what kind of a person someone is to the people below them. But At Ellen. I know a few people that work there. They really have good things to say about. About Ellen.

[A]

So they like her.

[B]

Yeah, they like her. So I think she's probably all right. I mean, I think that's the only way you can really get any kind of gauge.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. The. What are the. What are the privates? Think about the generals who command them or their co. But also there's picture, by the way, on our flat screen of Jimmy dressed.

[B]

And now. Yeah, there I am dressed as Rosie. Although I really look more like my mother.

[A]

You look. Your mom would get mad, but you look quite a bit like Joan in that.

[B]

Oh, no, she would not get mad. Are you kidding me? Well, she would be delighted.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Either way, every bowel movement has been bronzed and mounted on her.

[A]

No, but I just. Your mom's. Your mom's attractive and your dad's nice looking. You know what? Yeah, no, no, I was gonna say you're. You're not bad looking, but your parents are better looking. Yeah. You know they say that thing where, like a parent goes, no parent should ever have to bury his child. No child should ever have parents that are better looking than they are. I mean, they don't. They never bring that point up, but that's a pretty. Pretty valid point.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with you. Your mom is really attractive and your dad's handsome, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not hunky, but he's a. He's a handsome man.

[B]

I'm really, if not the. Definitely among the worst looking people in my. In my family. You think of them all?

[A]

Well, yeah, your sister's got a couple extra pounds on her, so I can't.

[B]

You gotta understand, though, my sister, she may have a couple extra pounds, but in high school, she was like the best looking girl in the whole school.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So I'm sure that makes the reunions that much more delightful for all the guys who couldn't get her in high school.

[B]

Yeah. Whereas I was not the best looking girl in the school.

[A]

Really? You were like the third?

[B]

Something like that.

[A]

Top five. Yeah, yeah. Big school, though. My parents are both hideous, so I'm. I'm very. I'm very excited just to be, you know, because that's all people really are looking for out of the world.

[B]

You are much better looking than your parents.

[A]

My parents are not good looking people.

[B]

Yeah, no, you're much better looking than. Your sister's is attractive as well.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what the hell was in the Water over there at North Holland. Like, my dad has a big schnoz on him. Like, he has a decent size.

[B]

I'm thinking about it now, and I think what it is, is your parents aren't so interested. It seems like maybe in their appearance, like they're not dyeing their hair and getting style. Your mom is not. So maybe that's what it is, is that your mom's not doing what the typical woman of her age is doing. She's not affected by that sort of thing.

[A]

No, but she was ugly when I was a kid.

[B]

Hey, you know what's funny? I had a moment where I started worrying, like, oh, maybe they're listening. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. Of course they're not listening. These are Adam's parents. My parents will hear this.

[A]

Your parents will not listen. Dad, I'm coming over tonight to stab you. It doesn't matter. It's just kind of. It's. It's kind of liberating.

[B]

Yeah, I would think so. Yeah, it's really.

[A]

It's like they're dead. Except for you. See him for Thanksgiving? The. No, my dad. But my dad knows he's all nose and forehead anyway, so he never. He never claimed to be attractive. My. My. My mom. Yeah, she has.

[B]

How did you wind up tall with your parents?

[A]

I don't know. Like, my. I feel like, first off, my dad is, like, you know, small.

[B]

He's a little Italian.

[A]

And, I don't know, my mom's got some height on her side. I can't figure it out. Adam's the first one in his family to actually exercise. Yeah, but that doesn't give you height. Well, you were eating like a madman and you were exercising. I mean, your entire childhood. All right, but let me say something.

[B]

Adam's taller than me.

[A]

That's because he skateboarded, did basketball, baseball. No, no, no, no.

[B]

My brother's stolen. Me, too. But there's no.

[A]

Donnie. Donnie is a lot theories about how his Donny.

[B]

Why is a cloud of smoke coming out whenever you open the door? Excuse me.

[A]

Let me tell you something I find sad. Come back here, Donnie. Let me tell you something I find sad. Donnie. Yes. No. And aside from that, no. Just about life. And in general. In life. Because Donnie has barely owns a pair of tennis shoes. Like, I've never seen Donny exercise. Would have been like seeing the Fonz exercise. You know what I mean? Like, the Fonz wore boots, Levi's and a leather jacket. You never saw him on a treadmill or an elliptical or Wearing shorts and, you know, New Balance. Yeah. You know, I mean, like impossible. And Donnie is like the fonts.

[B]

Yeah. Like, if Donnie showed up in, like, running short running shoes, you'd be like, what is this?

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

It would be like a Halloween costume.

[A]

Here's the thing that is. Here's the thing that is unfair about the universe and God and everyone else in nature and everything else. Donnie has done less exercise than any person I've ever met. Wait, wait.

[B]

I have my secret working.

[A]

I know, but you really have never played a sport. You played your dad's.

[B]

Not a secret anymore. You're supposed to pull the blinds down.

[A]

And going for the hat trick in front of the you porn monitor. Hardly a workout. Then let me say this. You've done. You've never been involved with athletics. No. We lived together for a couple of years. You never said, I'm going out for a run or Thursday nights, my racquetball night, or anything. I've never seen you fucking move the entire time. I've never. You've never seen Donnie with a shirt that even had sweat under the armpits or anything? Like, he's never broken a sweat in his life. Okay. Also, you just pretty much went to Carney's and ate chili fries like, the entire time I lived with you up to about five, 10 years. Yeah. You've consumed as much or more junk food than just about anyone I know and have done almost no exercise. Okay. I, on the other hand, started playing Pop Warner football at age 7. By the time I was in high school, I had like, a rope around my waist and I was dragging a truck tire up and down the fucking thing. Later on, when I got into boxing, it was just countless hours on the heavy bag and speed bag and skipping, you know, 2 million hours of rope skipping everything else. All right, here's what I'm getting to. If I took my shirt off right now and Donnie took his shirt off right now and we just stood next to each other, you could tell. No fucking discernible difference between us at all. We look exactly the same. Neither one of us looks good. Neither one of us looks bad. We just. You couldn't tell as far as our exercise regimen. You wouldn't know who the guy who did 200,000 push ups and did 200,000 wind sprints in high school and played 10 years of football and skipped rope and beat the shit out of heavy bag and did all that shit. And who's the guy sat around, smoked weed and ate carnish chili fries? You Would at age. We're the same age. You'd not. You just look at us both now, have zero idea. Both look exactly the same. Is that fucking fair?

[B]

That would have been a great concept for the gay photo shoot.

[A]

You know, Donnie and I took shirts off next to each other. But does that seem fair?

[B]

How about me? Never mind that. I mean, you kidding me? I never get out of the gym.

[A]

I know. I'm just saying I've seen Donnie with his shirt off. He doesn't look any different than I look with my shirt off, which is just like neither one of us ever done anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sad. It's just sad. It's all it is.

[B]

I mean, it's not sad for Donnie.

[A]

No, it's fucking awesome for Donnie. I'm sure his heart looks like that clear container of jerky at the 7:11. But I look, you know, but that's. Who cares about what's on the inside?

[B]

That's right.

[A]

So it's on the outside. So you're saying Ellen. Ellen is boomerang ever thrown. Ellen is fine.

[B]

She seems fine. She seems fine to me. But I know. Let me tell you. Howard Stern said something on Monday morning that I thought was very interesting and hilarious about Ellen. He said, he just made. It was just a little joke he said about Ellen. He said, like it was some analogy, like, you know, somebody saying this is like Ellen telling us she's gay. You know, it's like, of course she's gay. She comes out dressed like a man and everyone goes crazy when she dances.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Funny little thing. Like, everyone goes crazy. Yeah, because like when my cousin Sal dances, everyone thinks it's funny and it excited, but, you know, and his wife dances, like, all right, well, whatever.

[A]

And the, the. The thing. Now I have this thing and maybe this just a comedic chip on my shoulder. I think Ellen is funny, but not as funny as everyone else. Like, she gets a serious ass licking, like, all the time. Like, every time her name comes up on, like, Entertainment Tonight. Or it's like, oh, she's my favorite. Like, she's everyone's favorite. Like, no one ever. I've never seen one of these shows. And I know these shows are just sort of ass kissathons, but I've never seen Ellen's name or heard Ellen's name come up and have someone go, eh, you know, like, she's all right. And I think she's all right. Like, I think she's funny, but so are a lot of other people. But I don't have. They don't want to Be called a bigot.

[B]

You know what I think you're getting to also, though, is that you and I are not appreciated enough.

[A]

That's what it is. I think that's what it is.

[B]

I think that's the root of all of it. Because I don't think Oprah's thinking about that. I don't think Oprah has those thoughts. Like, what's with this Ellen? She's fine. I mean, but let's not get crazy.

[A]

That's my feeling. My feeling is if you go, yes, A, we're not appreciated enough. B, I saw Mr. Wrong or whatever her movie was, and it was like, well, that wasn't very funny movie. And then C, if ironically. C, people think if they think Ellen isn't funny, or they say to people, ellen isn't funny, they'll be perceived as uptight or homophobic or whatever it is. Donnie, do you want to attempt some phone calls? Was that the sign you were holding that I couldn't read? This is our new phone system, Jimmy.

[B]

You're going to break it down. How come I'm always here on the days you're experimenting with technology?

[A]

Somebody from Brad from New Orleans has a call for us. You gonna try to work this out, Donnie? Brad. Yeah. Hey, what's up? Yeah, not much. How are you guys doing tonight? We're doing well. That's great. I had a question for Jimmy, if you don't mind. Sure. Jimmy, I'd like to know if you ever did anything to Adam to exact revenge for the coffee can incident.

[B]

Oh, where he. Well, first of all, it was such a. It was such a brilliant tactical move that I appreciated it. I mean, I did not blame him for one second for doing it. If people don't know Adam tricked me into. He's like, oh, smell this coffee. It smells. Wonder he had farted into the can. And so I grabbed the can and inhaled just pure shit air into my lungs. And it went all through my body. And I didn't realize it until. Until I breathed it all in.

[A]

It was two quick things about ass and, you know, putting your. You know, sort of invoking your ass upon other people's nostrils and things like that. You can fart all you want around people, but you really can't make them fully ingest.

[B]

You can't force them.

[A]

You can't force them to breathe it through their nose, number one. And number two, coffee's a weird thing. When you tell people, hey, smell this cheese. They'll do it sort of tentatively, but if you tell them coffee, they'll bury.

[B]

Their face into the can because some cheese smells bad. Coffee's never smelled bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I will also say, though, that you don't really get. That's not right. It wouldn't be fair to get revenge because Adam's not a big prankster, and I probably had done 80 things to him leading up to that. That moment. So really, that was probably revenge, if you want to call it that, for something else. But, I mean, we've had near rape type situations.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, remember what I did to you when we shot that bit at the beauty salon at the man show?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You're laying naked face down on this. On this table, and they had this, like, vat of very, very hot mud. And Adam's just laying on his stomach, and he can't get up because cameras are rolling and he's naked, and I start packing lava hot mud into your ass. Yeah, that was. And really, like, the only thing that cooled it off were my tears landing.

[A]

On your ass and sizzling as they hit it. Yeah, there's a lot of those situations. I'd say most of those situations where you go, you know, you think, oh, okay, I'll get naked and I'll get on my belly, and I'll get in front of these strangers. And then you realize as the hot lava mud is being packed into your ass, you think, well, of course. Of course this is gonna happen. Like, of course.

[B]

Why would I think anything other than this? Yeah. You realize it's your own fault.

[A]

When we convinced my buddy Carl to jump out of the car naked on Ventura Boulevard and go hit the button so the traffic light would change. And then we took off and left him standing nude on Ventura Boulevard.

[B]

He had to be thinking, of course, of course.

[A]

Like, if I. If you didn't take off, I would have jumped in the car and pressed the accelerator for you. Like. But it doesn't dawn on you until you're. Well, you. It dawns on because you have. You're like, you know one of those movies where they go, we have to go talk to Dr. Lecter to catch the serial killer.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You know? Yeah. Because Wild Bill is on the loose, and we have to talk the Lecter. You have to think. Think like a serial killer to catch a serial killer. I think we have Derek on the phone right now. Derek. Yes, sir. What's happening? How are you? Good, thanks. Now, I know you guys are really into football. It's ritual every Sunday. I'm watching the Broncos get a field goal here. Who do you got in tonight's game. Broncos or Steelers? Well, Brock, you know, by the way, we go to Jimmy. I go to Jimmy's and get drunk and Jimmy's cooking almost the entire time.

[B]

No one sees less football than me. Yes, it's really. I mean, I really barely see any of the games. But I tell you something, I don't know. You know, by the time this airs, that game will have been over, so I guess it doesn't really matter. But an interesting thing happened last weekend. Really? Some out of character events. And I decided not to have football on Sunday, which I rarely do, because we're down at cousin Sal's house for a Halloween party and he's down by the beach and I figured, I don't know, get up and, you know, drive all the way there and cook and all this stuff. So I said, you know what? Football's canceled this weekend. And Adam said, you know what? I got a place. I got a bar down in my house. I can have the game and we'll have people over for football. What happened?

[A]

How many people showed up?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Zero.

[B]

Mike August.

[A]

Oh, Mike August. Yeah. I thought Mike August was there for another event.

[B]

No, no, he was there, by the way. He was there for. He was there for both. But he was planning to come. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, he's the only person that showed up.

[B]

But here's the thing. Number one, he was shocked that you had food.

[A]

Yeah, I went to Trader Joe's and bought. And bought dip and, you know, chips and everything.

[B]

I think everyone was shocked by that. And I think if you'd announced that up front, it would have been because I think people thought it was gonna be usual atom party. Like, hey, by the way, bring your own cup because there's none by the hose, but the hose will be open and available.

[A]

I went to Trader Joe's. I probably cursed it because I went to Trader Joe's, I bought like, you know, two cases of beer and two cases of soda and a bunch of like, blue corn chips and all that shit. And then nobody showed up.

[B]

Yeah, part of it is because everyone was at Sal's house drunk till like 2 o' clock in the morning on Halloween.

[A]

I'm sure I was fine. There was a couple of people there that were from a previous event. I know this sounds cryptic and weird and just spilled into the. Into the TV room. And we ended up just watching it anyway. Although I do and did miss Dickie. That is Dickie Barrett from the Boss Tones tending bar because he would literally hop behind the bar at those events in 10 bars.

[B]

Gonna have to figure out some more TVs. I think that's a problem.

[A]

Everybody's spoiled. Jimmy has a hundred and six, three. One hundred and three inch television.

[B]

We're hoping, though, with exercise, that it grows.

[A]

And a bunch of Donnie. And a bunch of. A bunch of computer Donnie. One day, when you have time, you can explain to Jimmy why your brother is bald and you have a healthy head of hair. Because this is another one. He doesn't use shampoo, I don't use shampoo. And my brother showers two times a day, every day, and that's what killed his follicles. You ever see bums without hair? According. Well, I do never see a bald bum. Hey, I was saying this about bums, and you know my feeling. Bums. Yeah, it's true. Hair down to their waist, beards down to here. Always layered. You know, holding cardboard, sleeping in cardboard. Hey, if you guys don't want to be lit on fire, quit begging for it. You know what I mean? You guys, I can bear. I'm not even a weird teenager, and that's all I can do not to flick a cigarette at you guys when I walk past you like you are begging to be set ablaze.

[B]

Maybe they want to be set ablaze. Maybe they've had enough. I mean, what kind of a life is this?

[A]

Get some cycling shorts and a wife beater and see how often you're set ablaze. And get yourself, like, a Flowbee and some cycling shorts. And I bet you'd almost never be set ablaze. And if you were, you could put yourself out almost immediately instead of wearing, like, three army jackets and having a huge Santa Claus beard.

[B]

I believe that, and I know this is horrible, but the smell of some. Not just homeless people. Remember we encountered George Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic in the lobby of that hotel. Some people are combustible just by the nature of their smell. Just that alone. Any kind of static electricity in the air. Turn you into a ball of flame.

[A]

Well, not only that, but, you know, there is a sort of part of your brain that's, you know, small and 2 million years old and reptilian. And there is a part of you that goes. Who? What? Like, I just want that smell to go away.

[B]

It's the reason we burn corpses.

[A]

Yeah. And it's the reason you light a match after you take a shit. Yeah. Although Jimmy will tell you a good tip on that, by the way.

[B]

Swallow the match.

[A]

No, your. Your match tip. You put it out.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you put it out. That's. You put it out. That's what actually gets rid of the smell.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When you. You wave the match, you don't throw it right. You don't light it and throw it in the toilet. You.

[A]

You.

[B]

You put. You blow it out or whatever and let the smoke.

[A]

I used to do this thing where I was like Brendan Fraser in a pyramid looking for a mummy, where I would hold the match out over my head and try to kind of move it around in a circular fashion, burn.

[B]

Up the stain once it's burned out.

[A]

Put it out.

[B]

Yeah, you put it out.

[A]

All right. Randy, you have a question for us? Yeah. How you guys doing tonight? Good.

[B]

Where's Randy calling in? I'm just curious. Where are you calling in from?

[A]

Randy calling in from Phoenix, Arizona, Jimmy.

[B]

Oh, all right. I went to college there.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, asu. I went there, too.

[B]

Good times.

[A]

Yeah. Great place to go to school. What's happening, Randy? Not a whole lot. I was reading Bill Simmons NFL picks a couple weeks ago, and I came across something he referred to as the Ace mushroom, where it was about a guy buddy has piggybacking on his NFL picks and subsequently just completely ruining them all. I was wondering if, Adam, you're the ace that he's referring to. I think I may be.

[B]

Oh, you have to. You're definitely the ace. There's no other ace.

[A]

I've lost every bet I've placed with Jimmy's cousin over the last year and a half. So I think I'm one of those guys. And then people say to me, my assistant said to me, actually the other day, why don't you just bet against the bet you would have made so you'd be sure to win? But that never works when you're snake bit and you're snake bitten. That's not going to work. That's fate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You can't. That's not going to work.

[B]

Becomes more frustrating if you thought you had the right and you lose because of betting against yourself.

[A]

Oh, abso goddamn lutely. I mean, that's never going to work. That's the whole point about not being lucky. It's like not being lucky. Of course, otherwise it'd be a commodity.

[B]

Simmons, by the way, is on my show tonight selling his book, which is the number one New York Times bestseller.

[A]

Yeah, he was. I actually just spoke to Bill the other last night. As a matter of fact, he just gave me a call and he brought that up, which is a surprise. Surprise. But he should be. He really should be proud of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Although, and I don't mean to in Any way, shape or form take away from this victory. But I do feel like a lot of books make it to that place. Which.

[B]

No, not to number one, though.

[A]

Maybe it's top 10 or something.

[B]

Yeah, on the list.

[A]

They word it in a way that's ambiguous, confusing and self aggrandizing. Where they go like as seen on the New York best sellers or whatever they do.

[B]

New York Times bestseller, but there's 10 books on that list. But to be at number one, you've got to sell at least 100 books. You got to sell a lot of books.

[A]

Yeah. So yeah, I might be the guy.

[B]

Randy, did you go to Bill's signing in Phoenix, Arizona?

[A]

Yeah, I was there. It's a pretty good turnout. He had, I'd say five, 600 people there.

[B]

Yeah, my dad said more, but he's not good at estimating. My dad said he thought it was about a thousand.

[A]

Yeah, it looked pretty packed. And Bill looked like shit. Looked like he'd been down the road for too long.

[B]

Bill's not a great looking guy just to start with. I mean, he doesn't get much sun. He's sitting there typing all the time.

[A]

He was telling me that he'd been traveling a lot and really run a little bit ragged actually, when I was talking to him. Plus I think to be fair to him, he's used to his wife toting his luggage, so. To have to carry your own luggage to the airport, even with wheels on, it is an indignity that Bill Simmons really shouldn't have to.

[B]

No one should have to suffer an indignity like that.

[A]

We traveled with Bill Simmons. I think his, his back was hurt or something during that time. I'm going to tell everybody. I'm going to tell my kid. Look, I'm going to give you two choices. Oh, no, as a matter of fact, I'm going to have you do two things and I'm going to one and then segue to the next one, which is this. Announce to the world and everyone you meet that you have a bad back. And I mean right at the top of the greeting, you know what I mean? Like when they go. So you know, if Jimmy, if you're going, hey, I want to meet a friend of mine from. Hey, I'm Adam. Good to meet you. I'm sorry for the weak handshake. I have kind of a bad back. A bad back. Just get the word out that you have a bad back. Because once the world finds out you have a bad back, you're off of a lot of detail. Like hey, we're helping us move. People are moving. You know, when you're in your 20s, you're constantly moving. You're constantly, like, doing stuff, and you're constantly being recruited by your buddies. Come on, I got it old. Whatever, we got to pick it up. Or I bought a refrigerator out of the recycler, the Penny Saver. I need you and your pickup truck. Like, so announce to the world that your back is bad for the first part of your life as you get older. Announce that you have a child with a disability for work, whether you do or not. Well, of course, whether you do or not. I think that goes without. If you do, that's just dumb luck.

[B]

There are no other body parts that get the, like, you say bad back, but there's no, like, I got bad arms or I have a bad penis or something like that.

[A]

You can prove almost everything else isn't bad. Like, if you said, I have a bad penis, I'd be like, all right, let me see your cock. And that'd be like, looks fine to me.

[B]

No, but it's bad. It's really bad.

[A]

Really. Not from here it ain't. It feels normal.

[B]

Trust me, it's bad. I'm not gonna be able to do anything.

[A]

Sorry. I need you to. I need your cock to help me move this weekend. Yeah. No, the bad back is the greatest thing because it's invisible.

[B]

Yeah, it is. And you don't even have to have an explanation for it because some people just get it right.

[A]

And there's no. My buddy Alex Arado had to have back surgery in college because he got out of bed the wrong way. Jewish guy, by the way, but literally has a 9 inch scar on the small of his back getting out of bed. So a. It's an invisible, you know, like, you can't say, you know, you can't say to anyone else. You know, you can't say, I have polio because they go like, where's your. Where's your stroke cane? Like, where's your leg braces? You know, you can say I have a bad back and get out of almost every detail.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you can, but you're also, I think, considered a little bit of a bummer when you're with other people. Yeah, you're a bad back person.

[A]

Yeah. But you can always have a good back day and be fine that day and then later on have a bad back when it comes to. Comes time to do some work. And then as I said with the kid, the special needs kid, that's more about work.

[B]

Oh, disabled kid with a bad back.

[A]

Oh, that's great. I like that. I like combining the two. Yeah. He fell out of the wheelchair that he propels with a straw and hurt his back. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I've always said, you know, as far as work goes, you could definitely get out of a lot of work.

[B]

Manual labor, for sure. Yeah.

[A]

I want to do. Speaking of work, I wanted to do have another call, by the way. Max is a stoner question. And then I want to go over the late night scene and the schedule. I know it sounds weird, but whenever I would hear celebrities interviewed or especially people did, like, regular shows like you do, I'd want to know what the schedule was, you know, when I was young and if Letterman would have said, I go to work, I get into work at 9:30. We have a writers meeting at 10:30. Like, I'd be infinitely fascinated with the actual schedule. So we'll get into that. One second. But Max. Hey, Adam, what's up? What's going on? Max calling from New York.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering what you think of stoners and all their Bob Marley flags and jam band music. Don't they just give everyone else who smokes pot a bad rap?

[B]

Let me just say that there's no one that hates reggae more than Adam Carolla.

[A]

Yeah, I hate it. I don't look, you know, if you want to wear the patchouli oil and be, you know, Bob Marley Light, that's your business. I'm really. I'm mostly focused on Al Qaeda these days. You know, I'm really done. I'm done attacking the people that cause no harm. I'm really now into the guys that shout out.

[B]

Let me point out though, when we went to Jamaica, you remember, we show up in the airport in Jamaica and there's a guy with a Osama bin Laden T shirt on. Not that long after 9 11. We're both very angry, but, you know, what are you going to do?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Well, and also he was security, so there's nothing we could do about it. It was carrying a gun. Yeah, forgot about that.

[B]

That was weird, right? I mean, that was like, oh, maybe they're not our friends.

[A]

I don't know. I just assume everyone secretly resents us and especially everyone who relies on tourism.

[B]

Yeah, because that's what I like. That's why I love the Mexicans. They don't seem like they do when you go there. No, they seem happy that you're there.

[A]

Sadly, the guy who mows my Lawn hates me a lot more than the guy who's bringing me a daiquiri when we're out fishing in Cabo.

[B]

But the black countries seem to hate us more than the brown countries do.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And the white countries hate us the most of all.

[A]

And, well, I would say none hates us as much as Hawaii. Really? Well, Hawaiians traditionally don't like the howlies that show up at the. To, you know, have sex with their women and stay at their hotels.

[B]

Oh, no, we're not having sex with those women.

[A]

You have to leave the confines. And by the way, their women are the hot strippers we fly in to work their strip joints. If you have to leave the confines of the hotel. Remember when we were golfing in Hawaii and you were explaining to the woman who was running like, the. She had, like, the beer kiosk that. Remember you were telling me the reason Hawaiians love Spam so much is because they used to be cannibals, you and Fletch. And I was saying, that's ridiculous. And then you said to the Hawaiian woman, isn't this true? And she was not amused by it.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that may have been my own theory.

[A]

I don't know. Jill, by the way, is calling from. But anyway, I'm done hating people that do nothing. I'm now focused solely on the people that volitionally do damage.

[B]

Oh, that's good. Really maturing.

[A]

Is Jill calling from Arizona? No, calling from Las Vegas. Oh, Vegas. Hey, what's happening? So, okay, so I have a friend who lives in the lovely Pahrump.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

That. She just bought a car that was on the man show. And it's a big white and lime green car with lime green interior. Does that sound familiar? Could be. The Bishop Don Magic 1, one of his many custom rides.

[B]

They said it was on. That was a selling point. That the car was on the Man Show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, you know, we did many, many sketches that involved cars, so remember that?

[A]

We'd have to see it. We'd have to see it. The I Was interior doesn't ring a bell. I had the misfortune of being in Pahrump about a year ago, and it was awful.

[B]

Why were you in Pahrump?

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ, Jimmy, I didn't tell you about this odyssey known as Top Gear. I mean.

[B]

Oh, yes, you did.

[A]

I regaled you with some of the misery of it, but I never plumbed the full depths of the just how goddamn miserable Pahrump is. Insanely miserable as far as a town goes. And we were in the casino, which is, you know. You know how when you go to Vegas and you get off the strip and you go to some of these places that are just really depressing. Yeah.

[B]

That's where you grew up.

[A]

Right? That's like, like these two story casinos.

[B]

Yeah, right. Yeah. The local. Yeah.

[A]

And the carpet is just a disaster. And everyone looks like they're just waiting to die. And there's like, you know, smoking.

[B]

Start burning yourself with the cigarette.

[A]

Right, right. It's just horrible. That's what Pahrump is. And, and just I, I got the deluxe suite, except for the deluxe suite is from 1961 and has indoor outdoor carpet that's bursting at the seams and, and a hot tub that has been like in so many times that you literally scared you're gonna get like HPV by just looking at the hot tub. Like you would never get near that, you know, and it's just old fashioned TV with the big tube in it and everything smells like cigar smoke and. Oh. Oh, God. So brutal.

[B]

Used to as a kid growing up in Las Vegas, Pahrump represented the place where we got fireworks because, like, everything's legal there. I think prostitution is legal there. Maybe a little bit farther out.

[A]

Oh, no, it is.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, you remember, I don't want to name names, but we had a friend, we had a friend who called it Pahrumph.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who.

[A]

Well, he was drunk, to be fair.

[B]

Yeah. Many years ago.

[A]

Wheels up.

[B]

Wheels up.

[A]

Yeah. 4:00am yeah. Yeah. No, there's a lot of hookers there. Heidi Fleiss went there to like, set up, set up Kane. What a horror.

[B]

What a really, like, you know, I think people think we, we'd be like into that for some reason. No, people have this. But I mean, really, imagine going to a trailer and in that trailer there are a group of faddish women.

[A]

Incest survivors.

[B]

Incest survivors.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Who are lined up and sitting at some sort of. And you have to think about the fact that they're there every day. This may be just a 45 minute unpleasant experience for you, but for them, that's their workplace, that's their life.

[A]

And not only that, but if you really think about it and you go back in your own dating life, when you think about the woman or the women you were with sexually, you would oftentimes think about the other guys they were with sexually. And if like their last boyfriend was Ted McGinley, you'd be like, all right, he seems like a clean dude. He's nice looking. I could see that. And Then you're with them, and it's really not so bad. It's kind of like you're. But if her last boyfriend was a pig, you're like, ugh, I hate that guy. Or that guy. He's a pig.

[B]

In this case, it's a whole petting.

[A]

Zoo of pigs and menagerie of guys who can't get laid in the real world. So it's not only that, but another thing I never really factored in, just hearing one of these women talk a lot of, like, handicapped, disabled guys, mentally disabled guys, guys who can't function within our society. I mean, you are with the bottom feeders, the catfish of our society. So. So if you're just looking at the basic sort of cootie factor of, like, who were you with last?

[B]

Yeah, it's. No, it's bad.

[A]

Julio Iglesias Jr's not on that list. Or whoever. Whatever Latin crooner you're thinking of, you're really talking about some guy who, you know, you're talking about, like, Larry Flint.

[B]

You're talking about people with stumps, right?

[A]

Like, Larry Flynt just got done rolling over, and now your ticket comes up. Like some.

[B]

You're talking about Special Olympians celebrating.

[A]

Celebrating their victory, right? Yeah. So anyway, it's one of the. It's. It's. It's. It's ugly, it's scary, and it seems like it's the only town I've been to that feels like you're being punished when you're there. Like, if I lived in Vegas and my kids started acting up, that would be their time out. Like, I'd be, you know, instead of, you know, you're not going to watch TV or you're going to bed without your dessert, it'd be like, you want to go to Piranha, huh? No, keep it up. Keep it up. We'll go to Prompt. We'll stay there for 15 minutes. Like it was scary and miserable. And then if you go, when I was there in, like, August, the heat index just adds. It ramps up. Like, you know how they have the wind chill factor where they go. Well, In Duluth, it's minus 4, but with the wind chill, it's minus 34. Like, it feels like. Like prom feels like shit at 75 degrees, prompt at 114 degrees, you can't. You can't escape.

[B]

I always wonder, like, how people wind up there and then why they wind up staying. It's. It's. I mean, it's not like there are a lot of jobs and it's also.

[A]

It'S also, I've said this a million times. Like if you were just going to go, if Jimmy Kimmel, you just said, look, I'm going the civilian route, so to speak.

[B]

Speak.

[A]

I'm not going to come out to Hollywood and try to, you know, parlay radio into a basic cable hit and then into my own successful late night show and so on and so forth. Like, I just want to be a civilian. I just want to live amongst the people, have a regular job and call it a life. Wouldn't you just go to Santa Barbara and get a gig at a Starbucks.

[B]

And that way you might as well go someplace that is already nice.

[A]

You'd be in Santa Barbara.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, all right, you'd be, you'd be making 785 at a Starbucks, but when you punched out and stepped out, you'd be in Santa Barbara staring at the ocean.

[B]

Although, what if you love fireworks and trailer horse.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

You don't get that in Santa Barbara.

[A]

And yeah, and you're like, you know, almost nobody here is dragging an oxygen tank behind them. This is horrible. Yes. Oh, I spent like three goddamn days in that place. And then I went to a junkyard in Pahrump. And the thing about the salvage yards, like if you, if you go to a salvage yard out here in Los Angeles, it is some of the scariest people on the planet. Imagine what that sun blasted place looked like. Oh, it's like out of a movie.

[B]

Are the people scared? I would think maybe they'd even be less scary in a way. Just like when you go to like, like Utah and you walk into a Jack in the box, the employees are not as scary as if you walk into, you know, a riverside jack in the box.

[A]

Oh, you mean like somehow like, like.

[B]

The mayor could potentially own the junkyard in Pahrump?

[A]

Yeah. No. There was a guy driving around a car with no doors on it. Not, not doors that were open, but doors that were not attached. It's weird. It's, it's weird to see a guy drive a car with no doors on it. He was just driving around the junkyard and missing teeth and he was insane. No teeth, no doors, nothing. Horrible, horrible experience. And then ended up in Badwater Basin, which is the lowest point in, in North America. And, and it was 132 degrees. I, I bad water basin in bad water basin. Yeah. We have one more call. Let's take one more call from water.

[B]

In the Badwater Basin.

[A]

Death Valley is just that. It is a valley where nothing can survive. And it is. I mean, you spent time in Palm Springs, spent time in Vegas. You spent time in Arizona. It was 132 degrees.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chris from Philly. Hey, guys, what's up? What's happening? Ace, man, I was wondering, and Jimmy as well, how you guys feel about ex girlfriend porn? Like, people take pictures of their girlfriends and put them on once they break up. Yeah, see, I was talking to a guy who will remain nameless.

[B]

Doug.

[A]

Let's just call him Doug. And he said that he had this, you know, of ex girlfriend stuff. And. And. And, you know, people get married and they have kids and they move on and stuff. But yet the tape exists, right? The tape can really only harm can come from owning this tape now. Yeah, but could you honestly look me in the eye and say you'd throw it in the crusher? Like, what would you. What would you do with this tape?

[B]

Yeah, no, you'd have to say. I mean, yeah, it's like. What the problem is is the women should know better than to trust us with a video camera, right? I mean, there's. There's no good that can come of it. I mean, there really isn't.

[A]

And the only, you know, first off, you have to label it. I. I would label it, you know, World War II's greatest battles, right? Like, you can't label it anything that would make your old lady pop it in for just a fucking hot second. Yeah, right. Head cleaner or something on it. Which, by the way, so sad, the.

[B]

Title of one of those.

[A]

I am as God is my witness, did one of those things. It was a good eight years ago where I went through my video collection looking for some stuff I hadn't seen in a while. That would almost feel rekindling an old relationship. I was looking for that new porn smell came. I at a certain point, had taken a white china marker and just wrote, written in my horrible scribe, you know what? You know, weekend roulette, you know, or sometimes I would just write good, you know, on it, like, picture of a frowning face. Which meant, like, not so bad that I'm gonna toss it. But don't waste time popping this one in. Saw one ride, wrote head cleaner on it and went, what have we here? Like, literally thought it was a blowjob thing and popped it in and watch, you know, five minutes of fuzz before I realized there was nothing going on.

[B]

Let me ask you this anyway. Let's just ask. What do you think of the ex girlfriend porn?

[A]

Porn? You love it. But you love your own ex girlfriend porn? No, Yeah, I have a few thousand pictures of this one girl I dated.

[B]

A few thousand?

[A]

A few thousand.

[B]

Yeah. Well, she's got to know at some point you're going to share that with others.

[A]

The only porn, if I was going.

[B]

To delete it, the only porn I enjoy watching is I have no interest in professional actors. That sort of thing is the only thing I have any interest in watching. Because, because you can, I can imagine that the people are enjoying it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If the people aren't enjoying it, I can't enjoy it.

[A]

But also from a just pure sort of voyeuristic standpoint, the person who agreed to it and accepted money in advance in the beginning doesn't feel like a peek behind the curtain to me.

[B]

No. Yeah, it doesn't.

[A]

Yeah, I like the bootleggy. Amateurish. I like the first time, by the way. Like I, I like the. This is the first porn.

[B]

Yeah. Except it never is.

[A]

I know, it never, it never is. But you know what it is? It's that kind of weird, darker, grainy camera set on a table. Amateur. Yeah. And actually that's where I'm going. I think the henchman's got me on the MILF porn and amateur.

[B]

That's what I've been turning to as I've gotten older.

[A]

They're saying our friend Kevin Hench has turned you on to the milk. For he started talking about. So I kept on doing amateur MILF search. Yeah. And then I like, I start going.

[B]

Hey, I liked it. And also because, hey, this feels real.

[A]

Nobody's being, you know, abused or tortured.

[B]

It seems like somebody. By the way, if you're like a wife, like Kevin's wife or something like that, or Donnie's wife. You got to be a little bit psyched about that, right? Like, oh, look, he's looking up old ladies on. He's looking up women older than me.

[A]

Not that old. No. But I mean we were talking. He's talking about 26 year old in the porn department. They're mills. The point is this. I agree. If you, if you're a woman and you catch your man, you know, looking at porn, pleasuring self to porn, what you should hope for is that whoever he's pleasuring himself to, you would be a reasonable facsimile.

[B]

Yeah, you don't want him looking at barely legal or something like that.

[A]

Right. When you celebrated your 45th birthday. Or you don't want him looking at, you know, Asians with the triple D cups when you're a flat chested Anglo woman. Because believe me, no matter what it is, he says he wishes you were that, at least for a night. Yes. And it's so funny, it's insane.

[B]

Or you would leave so that could come in.

[A]

Right. It's so insane. Women are insanely gullible that way. Like when I used to do Loveline all the time, I'd have people, women calling up, going, I caught my boyfriend looking at gay porn, but he's not gay. Yeah. And to any guy who knows guys and who are straight, we know that's insane.

[B]

Yeah. Because it has a physical effect on you where it actually makes you, like, gives you a sick feeling and is revolting and sets the masturbation back.

[A]

Could even be days, possibly years. Yeah. Gay porn. Anyone knows that if a guy is straight, he doesn't dabble in gay porn. He doesn't have a curiosity or passing interest in gay porn. It's not one of these things where it's like, sure, I love the lady, but yeah. Who doesn't like watching couple hours of gay porn on the weekends. No. Impossible.

[B]

Even to the extent of when you go to an adult bookstore and you're browsing, you have to be really careful not to. Not to laser focus into the gay. You don't want to wander into the gay section because if you do, it's going to ruin things.

[A]

I would talk about it more, except for my class action lawsuit that I'm trying to start against the guys that have gay bookstores. And don't put the orange traffic cone up. That's the kind of thing before you.

[B]

Can do as a result of taking that, that photo shoot. Yeah. Today we got a lot of cachet. Now you can spend it, you know.

[A]

So I want to talk about the schedule.

[B]

Oh, all right. Well, it's boring, but I'll tell you.

[A]

I mean, I know, but you know.

[B]

What my schedule is.

[A]

I do, but I think people would like to hear it. I think it's. It's interesting.

[B]

All right, I'll go through it in excruciating detail for you.

[A]

Please.

[B]

I go to work. The latest I'll go to work is 11am that's when we have our writers meeting. A lot of times I go in earlier than that. We have a writers meeting where all the writers gather at the table from 11 to 1230 and they argue over.

[A]

What food they're eating.

[B]

Right. We don't anymore because we have a whole thing. We've eliminated that from the. We have. We just.

[A]

We order the Stargio over. And it always pissed me off, by the way, that we all like The Chinese food. And then Bill Simmons announced that Chinese food made you not funny or something like that. I don't remember what it was.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Yes. You gotta ask Tony or one of the other guys about it. But at one point Bill Simmons did the. This Chinese food, none of us can think with it. And it went away. Like someone went, well, fuck this Chinese food. Now we're not going to eat any more Chinese.

[B]

Although, let's see, I still have not had good Chinese food. Really? In la, especially in the Hollywood area.

[A]

Yes. I don't know what's up.

[B]

I don't either. We've got Chinese people, I guess Chinatown, but it's too far to go for lunch. But anyway, 11 to 12:30, writers meeting. Then all the ideas that I like from the writers meeting.

[A]

Now, what's being pitched there? Monologue jokes.

[B]

Monologue jokes, bits, mostly monologue stuff. I will boil it down to one page of things I like and then I email it to everyone. They go back to their office to work on those ideas. I then have a meeting with the segment producers who handle the guests. From 12:30 to 1:00 clock we go over what we're going to talk about with the guests. Then from one to two I have like free time to go over the jokes and ideas and I'll edit scripts. At two o' clock we have rehearsal. We have rehearsal for usually about 45 minutes or so. Then I'll come back to my office, I will go through all the jokes that were written, pick out the jokes that I like. I will then email those back and they begin working on the monologue. Then I will work on the guest segment cards. And then I will write. From 5 to 6pm I will write the monologue or rewrite the monologue that I've been given. I rewrite it and then from 6 to 7 I get makeup, I get dressed, I go over the guest segment cards in the final form. At seven o' clock we do the show seven to eight. Then after the show there's a little bit of decompression time and then I'll go home, I'll write intros for the guests. I'll go over any scripts that I didn't have a chance to get to that day. And scripts, meaning scripts for stuff that.

[A]

You guys are going to go out and shoot in the field.

[B]

Shoot in the field. Or commercial integrations, that sort of thing that we do at the top of the show. Any, any. Every script I, I go over. Every script that comes through, I go over it because I'M a lunatic.

[A]

Yes. Jimmy's very hands on and very meticulous. And the. Which I'm sure all the writers hate. But occasionally puts a smiley face on a script, although not often. And a lot of corrections on spelling and grammar and punctuation. Yeah.

[B]

Can't concentrate if there's a spelling error. Yeah, I cannot concentrate. All I will see is that word spelled wrong on the cue cards if there's a word spelled wrong. So I have to make sure everything is perfect beforehand.

[A]

You see, I could never do that. And I could never deliver the monologue. That's the part. Like, I could have ideas of things I wanted to talk about, but I could never just get up there and deliver a succinct monologue. That would be. That would be the biggest stumbling.

[B]

The lifetime of prep for it, which I accidentally had, really. Which was just reading a million comic books when I was a kid. And I read a lot and then a lot of drawing, which gave me the ability to focus on things for long periods of time if I need to, living in a house full of very loud people. So I really like. Nothing distracts me. I could have the TV on. I could have 10 people in my office talking, and I can still write the monologue and just get it hashed out. And then being on doing sports on KROQ for five years, where I had six sportscasts every morning, and I had to write them real quickly and then deliver them and then write another one and deliver it and just keep doing that over and over again. I just didn't really realize that I was practicing. Yeah.

[A]

Jimmy would be there on his Tandy computer at KROQ firing, writing a page of original dialogue, sports dialogue, but, you know, scores and jokes and everything else. And then deliver it six times a week.

[B]

It was really like six times a day.

[A]

I mean, sorry, six times a day, 30 times a week. And it was really like some sort of basic training for doing that. Even though at the time you probably didn't. Probably didn't know it. But. Yeah, because I would immediately get lost and get distracted. And it's cue cards, right? I mean, it's. Why. Why not a teleprompter? I was just thinking about this the other day. Why are we still using cue cards?

[B]

Because you can be loose with cue cards and the human can, like, kind of skip if you want to skip a joke or reword things or whatever. It's just easier to be loose with cue cards than is with the teleprompter. Because the teleprompter just scrolls and you really can't, you know, you can't fool around with it. And, you know, I could motion to the cue card person. The teleprompter person is not in the. In the room with you. They're in another room running it. So it's just easier to have a dialogue.

[A]

It is weird that, you know, 30 years on, I mean, since the teleprompter was invented, that the cue card business is still booming. I mean, not that I would advise my kid to be a cue cardigan, although knowing I don't think Corollas would have. That's the one job I could never do in a kabillion years. I would cut out pictures of stuff and put it on there instead of trying to spell it. Yeah. Be horrible. But the idea that Courtney does yours, right?

[B]

Courtney and Brian.

[A]

And Brian are brother and sister. Imagine you and your sister. Could you imagine you and your sister.

[B]

Doing up to do something like that? Yes. Yeah. It's. I know it takes, I think. I don't know. They don't. They don't seem to fight. But I tell you what, when one of them makes a spelling error, the other one is delighted.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Catch ya.

[A]

Yeah, they're cute. They're cute. Cue card couple. I don't know how that works. I don't know if anyone could. There's gotta be.

[B]

I had married cue card holders as.

[A]

Well at Ben Stein.

[B]

Ben Stein's Money. Yeah. And in fact, they worked on the man show for a while. They were married. I think it's one of those things. I mean, to be honest, it's like. It's one of those things where it doesn't require tremendous amount of. I mean, you have to be able to print stuff out in a quick way and then you have to be sharp on stage. But, you know, if you got a good job doing cue cards, you could probably get your brother or sister a job doing it.

[A]

I feel like it takes more talent to do the cue cards than to read the cue cards. Or Ann Crate, what's on the cue.

[B]

Cards order for you? Yes.

[A]

I am more. And I'm more in awe of those people.

[B]

What I'm surprised by is that somebody hasn't figured out a printer for cue cards that you just type it all in and it just spits. It all. Spits the cards out.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it is funny. And you've probably done a ton of this where they go, there's. People have no idea how unprofessional this town is. And when you go do some Shoot, like, I don't know, MTV wants you to go do some intro for their MTV Awards or whatever. They think it'd be fun if you stood on top of a school bus. They're going to get a camera and they have a whole list of, like, celebrities you have to go through or whatever. And you go, is this written down anywhere? And someone will go, yeah, let me get. And they'll get it on a thing, except for the camera will be four feet in front of you, and the person that's holding the cue card will be six feet to your right. And you'll go, well, how am I supposed to look at the card and talk to the camera? And then they'll go, oh, I don't know. And then someone else will hold it in some other position. And now you're staring at the. The cameraman's feet while you're reading it.

[B]

When I was at Fox, I had to do football picks, and they didn't have cue cards, you know, there at the time. So I would actually cut little strips of paper because I can't remember information. I can remember jokes. I can remember that sort of. But I can't remember, you know, which teams are playing, what the score is going to be, that sort of thing. So I would cut out. I cut strips of paper out with the type, and I would scotch tape them around the edge of the camera.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So the camera would have.

[A]

Look right at it.

[B]

So I. Yeah, it would be looking essentially right at it. Yeah.

[A]

I did that sitcom pilot over the summer at the beginning of the. No, May. I did that in May. There was. The script was like, 47 pages.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had a good chunk on 46 of the 47 pages. Like, I had to memorize that whole.

[B]

I would not be able to do that. I don't know how people do that.

[A]

I was miserable. There's got to be.

[B]

And do you get better at that? Because it's a different thing every time. And you hear these actors, they're like, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you just memorize. Like, how the hell do you memorize all that stuff?

[A]

First off, you think to yourself, why did I do this to myself? Like, why did I put myself in every. I should. I wish I would have had a. You know, gone into a wacky neighbor. Yeah, I want to be. I'm dying to be the wacky neighbor in the Adam Carolla show, but what am I thinking? Like, number one and then the number two? There's no way I can digest all of this goddamn dialogue. There's a couple of things. First off, if you wrote it, it's a little easier.

[B]

It is easy. Yeah. I have monologue almost memorized every night just because I wrote it.

[A]

Except for what really is a backbreaker is when you memorize eight pages and they all leave and then get changed. And then at a certain point, they'll change your kid's name because my kid's name was like, Joey and it got changed to Billy. And after. After two weeks of calling him Joey, you can't just switch over to calling him whatever. But you will start to. You'll start to digest it. The 200 people in the audience will make you not want to make an ass of yourself. And they give you a dialogue guy out of a movie. My guy was named Ringy. Ringy was the guy we talked about 45 minutes ago who's 55 but insists on wearing the DKNY shoes that aren't tied in the shorts and whatever. And he's walking around and he's basically, when he's not with me in my dressing room, he's out smoking. And then he comes back again and you just run. You run every scene. You just keep running every scene. And you kind of do them like you go, what's next up ringing. And I'll go, the kitchen scene where you argue with your wife. That's the next scene. And then he'll just literally start going into it. Now, the thing that's funny, it's as a portly guy who's in his 50s and smells of tar nicotine, and he says, honey, you're late. And I go, well, maybe I wouldn't be late if somebody would have taken the garbage cans in while I was hard at work. Oh, really? Well, do you want some tonight? Because you should change your attitude. I want some. Of course I want some. I need some. How about it? It's been three weeks. Yeah, three weeks. Well, maybe if your attitude was a little bit better and you got me that tennis bracelet. Meanwhile, it's just A fat guy, 55, who's doing this scene with you. And all you're doing the thing that's funny is all you're doing is getting in your next outfit and you're not acting at all, which is weird.

[B]

You're just having a gay relationship.

[A]

You're having a monotone gay relationship while you do something else.

[B]

But here's what's happened. That's where I walk in to say hello to you in your dressing room. And I go. And I overhear you talking to Ringy.

[A]

This is the sit down.

[B]

Adam's gay.

[A]

Adam secretly gay.

[B]

And then I spread it around to everyone. And no one comes to your house with football on.

[A]

Well, maybe if you'd be a little more affectionate and take care of my needs as a man every once in a while, we wouldn't be in this meeting mess. No, I don't want to go to counseling. I just want sex, for the love of Christ. And it's so funny. And it's, it gets, it gets even more, it gets more surreal when I then go into the bathroom and I'm taking a leak and the door shut and he's saying, let's not argue in front of the kids. And I'm yelling while I'm pissing. It's a high time they know what kind of relationship we have. That's, that's, that's the insane part. And then you literally like just stand behind the flat that is your kitchen wall, like moments before you do it and you just back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.

[B]

It's no good. I don't know, I really don't know how people do that.

[A]

I, I, I do not wish it upon, upon anyone.

[B]

They said, Don Rickles said that Robert De Niro in Casino had just like cue cards, like pasted places, and he had a whole monologue. He had to yell at people and curse and all this sort of thing. And he would just look at these cue cards. They were all in different spots, but only De Niro gets to do that. I mean, you can't do that otherwise.

[A]

Because you'll be, you have to get to like season five of your very successful sitcom. Because this guy would tell me stories about people who had to deliver like a whole thing into like an open casket and just had the script sitting on top of the corpse, you know, grandpa, you know, I'm gonna miss you. And because imagine actors, they're lazy and they're crazy. So sitting around and memorizing dialogue is not at the top of lazy or crazy's list. You know what I'm saying? And you know, and self entitled and by, once you get, once you get into syndication and you have a couple years of success, who the hell wants to sit around and spend their weekend, you know, with that script?

[B]

So they, I actually, if I have to, if I'm in a situation where I have to act or deliver, I will try to, I will try to write the scene around like that I have a clipboard or some sort of, there's like, I'm sitting at a table Eating so I can look, look down and I'll have the dialogue because I can't remember anything.

[A]

You will. I mean, you would if you were dumb enough to make that choice for a career path. And then they switch jokes up on you at the last second. It's really.

[B]

And you can't, you can't divert from that script because they have to shoot it from a bunch of different angles and it all has to match up. So you can't just go out. Well, it's close enough, right?

[A]

It's horrible. I don't know why people do it. All right, Jimmy, where the hell did the time go? Over an hour. That's what I love about the J man. Abc. How's everything going, by the way, with all the late nights and the shake up and we're number one now in the Fallons.

[B]

Number one.

[A]

You dropped down the number one.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we were 1A, now we're one. No, things are going great, actually.

[A]

Things are going very well. I heard that actually Leno said that Leno said Jimmy seems to be benefiting. I don't know. I couldn't figure it out from Conan, from Fallon. What's going on in the late night landscape?

[B]

In the late night landscape. A lot of people stopped watching television late at night when Jay leno went to 10 o'. Clock. I mean, it's amazing. A lot of people just went away.

[A]

Really.

[B]

They just stopped watching television. I think like 2 million people stopped watching late night television.

[A]

TV. So you're saying the pool.

[B]

It's weird because it's not even like, it's not even like other people really went up. It just, those people just went away. I don't know where they went.

[A]

They went away and is like, is Conan doing good? Is he barely hanging on? Is it the kind of thing where you think Leno will be back where Conan is in a year?

[B]

I don't, I don't know. I don't. I mean, I think Conan's doing pretty good. You know, I think that he's not doing as well as Leno did. But, you know, it's, it's. I tell you, the thing is, it's like you have to really define what, what is doing good. Because if you look at the ratings 20 years ago, you know, we have, you know, so many more people watched Johnny Carson, you know, they dwindled so far. I mean, the pie is just being split up in many more pieces now. And you really like, you know, you have like something like 6% of America is watching late night talk shows. At that time and the other 94% is watching something else.

[A]

It is, it's almost sort of the opposite of movies in the sense that, you know, they'd go, well, highest grossing movie. But now movies are 15 bucks a ticket or 12 bucks a ticket. And they were 75 cents a ticket. So you can't really do it.

[B]

You got a situation now where like a show that in 1975 would be the 75th ranked show would be a top five primetime show, you know, right now.

[A]

Yeah. And then there's like Wanda Sykes coming on board. George Lopez is doing something. It's just insane to me. But I always just, I always say this and I know it sounds, you know, mildly condescending, but people say, how's Jimmy's show doing? And I go, I really, I don't know. But I'll give you the same answer. We were talking about my restaurant, which I haven't been paid back on at all, which was a funny conversation we had the other day, which is, is in this day and age, if you open a restaurant or you open a late night franchise, in seven years on, you're still on the air, you're doing good.

[B]

That's all you need to do.

[A]

I will call that a success story. That's the way I'm looking at it because I have no idea what anyone's numbers are. And they're never any good anymore because everything's whacked into too many pieces. Although I guess Letterman got a nice boat with the whole scandal that went down. A couple.

[B]

Do you think that if you Invent1 invests $50,000 in a restaurant, not loans, but actually invest for that one would be entitled to split the profits seven years later.

[A]

Yes, I should.

[B]

I agree with you.

[A]

At least see if I can get a free meal out of that, Joy. All right, the Great Jimmy Kimmel, ABC 1205 every night. And who's on tonight?

[B]

Bill Simmons is on tonight. I think Chris o' Donnell is on the show tonight. And of course, I don't know. People I know listen whenever they want to, but right, that's who's on Tuesday.

[A]

Night or this week. I should, I should say, I don't even.

[B]

Oh, Huey Lewis in the news. You're gonna be on my birthday.

[A]

Yeah, like a, like a nine year old, good and gay. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Jimmy Kimmel saying mahalo.

[B]

All right, that was Adam Carolla Show 196. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 996. Jimmy Kimmel Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[A]

Mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the program. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[C]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[A]

Good day, bald Brian. Hey, hey, hey. Good day, Jimmy Kimmel.

[B]

Hey, hey, hey, you. What's happening?

[A]

I'm excited that Jimmy's in studio. I was really thinking about. Oh, I was thinking about it like, yesterday and today. I thought, like, this is on the heels of my hard hitting interview with Mike Tyson where people like, hey, that was a good interview. Like, I didn't make any jokes. I just was straight. I was trying to, like, get to the bottom of a few things and people seemed to dig it. And I thought, I think I'd like to do that with Jimmy. Really? Yeah. Like, I always think people want to. And especially now, like now with the 11:35 time slot rolling Stone cover and Emmys White House Correspondents dinner and all that. It's been a crazy year for you. I know.

[B]

One thing, you know, it'll just immediately devolve into stories about us farting on each other though, right?

[C]

I mean, but this time he'll get to the bottom of them.

[A]

He'll get to the bottom of the fart stories. What I ate. I. No, I was thinking about one time we were interviewed on set at the man show, I believe, and somebody said, did you ever think you would be in this position? And I said, oh, no, no. I was like on a roof in Van Nuys scraping tar. I had no idea I would get here. And Jimmy said, I'm surprised it took so long. And I started laughing. And then I realized, oh, no, he's serious about that answer. And that was at 29. Like, it was like, took way too long to get to this position in life. So there's a part of me that goes, wow, this is unbelievable. Like, almost, you know, starting at shortstop for the Yankees, the 11:35 position, and dominating the ratings or at least trading punches with the big boys in the center of the ring. And then there's a part of me that realizes, Jimmy probably always thought you would be here at some, or at least felt you could be here on some level. Well, not.

[B]

I mean, not here. I've certainly. I never anticipated that I'd have a network talk show, but I figured that you and I would have a show together. And I thought that it took a longer time than it should have for that to happen at that time. But I mean, do you remember when we tried to do an afternoon radio show on the FM talk station in town that was owned by our own company?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They told Us? No.

[A]

And then, well, but what happened was.

[C]

I stand by that position.

[A]

They came to me and said, I want you to do some kind of show. And I said, me and my buddy Jimmy. And they said, he's more of a behind the scenes guy. He's a producer, not an on air talent. And I said, let's put us both together and do a show. And then they were like, thanks, but no thanks.

[B]

At the time, I was on a television show too. Maybe they were unaware of it. I don't know what the decision making was. Maybe they didn't want to move me from the Kevin and Bean show. It's the only thing I could think of that makes sense to be fair to them.

[A]

If you said to them, how about you eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich while I blow you? If it was your idea, they'd say no.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

They could have been in the mood for a blowjob and a peanut butter and banana sandwich. But if you came up to them and go, I got an idea for you, boss. They'd go, not so fast. They're very Arab in that particular fashion.

[B]

Yeah, some of them were.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, some of them were. So the idea, I think that I said, how about me and Jimmy do whatever. They're like, slow down, champ. And then they gave me a reason why. But they wouldn't put us together. But Jimmy obviously grew up being a Letterman and crazed Letterman fan. Pictures of you with the Letterman late night cake and the Letterman jacket and all that stuff at 14, 15, 16 years of age. I think the vanity license plate.

[B]

Yeah, it said late night on it.

[A]

Right. So there's signs early on, much like a young boy torturing animals, where you know he's going to be a serial killer at some point, except for worse in this case, late night hoes. But there's signs that obviously you're interested in, but that. Every boy grows up thinking, I'm going to play in the NFL or I'm going to play for the Dodgers. But at some point, the dream is dash. Did you ever have a point where your dream was dashed?

[B]

Yeah, Every single radio job I ever worked. At the end of it, when they fired me, they dashed my dream. My first paying radio job was in Seattle. I worked there for 10 months. They fired me and we didn't get another job for a year. It was, you know, I figured, oh, that would be.

[C]

Did they tell you why?

[B]

Why they fired us? They didn't have to. I kind of knew why. I mean, they didn't give a reason why they Fired us. They just said it wasn't working.

[A]

Showbiz is a weird business in that when you watch the NFL playoffs, with rare exception, or any sport, basketball, baseball, the guys you see starting were the stars of their football team in high school. And not only were they stars, but all the guys who are playing cornerback, played quarterback and DB and return punts, and were all.

[B]

And with the stars of their basketball.

[A]

And their baseball team. So you go, okay, so at this level, at the high school level, these guys are superstars. And then maybe if they get to the show, maybe they'll start. Showbiz is a weird thing where guys like Jimmy Kimmel, who are stars in the big leagues, can sit on the bench of their high school team. And there's a million stories that way. I mean, you got fired from how many radio jobs? And we're not talking. We're not talking about New York City.

[B]

No.

[A]

We're talking about Orlando, Arizona, Springs, Tampa, Seattle. Yeah.

[B]

Palm Springs. I didn't get fired, but I got fired from my college radio station. I wasn't even being paid. I got fired. I got fired a whole bunch of times. Yeah, a lot of times.

[A]

Right. So it is. So it's a sort of a math that you do where you go, well, if the guy's not cutting it at the high school level, if he can't compete on the basketball court or the football field at the high school level, what are the chances he's ever gonna go to the pros? And show business is one of the few things where that does happen. People pull you aside until you can't do it or they fire you. So you get into radio. And how do you get into radio?

[B]

To begin with, I worked at Miller's Outpost, which is a regional clothing store.

[C]

Oh, that story.

[A]

I miss those gay cowboys West Coast.

[B]

Yeah. Homer and J.R. that's right. And I was a cashier there, and there was a guy who worked there, who worked on the college radio station. And he said, you know what?

[A]

What?

[B]

You're funny. You should be on the radio. And I thought, oh, that would be fun. And so I went down there and they hired me. And in fact, the guy who's in the Crystal Method was my program director, guy named Ken Jordan.

[A]

I saw Ken in the airport in Vegas a week ago.

[B]

Oh, you did?

[A]

Yeah. Great guy. Yeah. One of those things.

[B]

He fired me.

[A]

I know, but I don't hold that against him. I don't either. I like him. And it's one of those things where when you pass and you should talk more but you can't. But you don't know what to do. You're in the air. Like Ken. Hey, ho, hey, hey, ho. Okay, I gotta get to the car. Like, you don't know. You should see, it's actually one of.

[C]

The best ways to run into someone.

[A]

You should have coffee, but you're not. You're walking different directions at the airport. But he gives his love. So Ken worked. He was a Miller set.

[B]

Yeah, he was the program director. I mean, he was a kid too, you know, I was 16, he was like 19 or something. And he hired me and did like a Sunday night talk show where I'd interview local. I go through the phone book and find like the hairstylist of the star. And then I interview him for a half hour, asking him which stars he'd style. Of course, he hadn't styled any star's hair. John Davison, I think, was the one star who's.

[A]

But I feel like that's like styling, three stars, heads of hair.

[B]

Because he has a big white patch in the middle of his head and.

[A]

He had that big swoopy thing going on in the front.

[B]

Don't get me wrong, he did a great job with John.

[A]

Right? Fantastic.

[B]

And I did that. And then I started doing characters on a local radio station in Las Vegas. And then I started doing characters when I went to college at Arizona State on a local radio station there. And one of the guys there took me to Seattle with him when he got a job in Seattle. A guy named Kent Voss. Sure, Kent. And he hired me to be a sidekick. When I got there, they had no idea who I was, what I was doing there. They told me I was going to make $30,000 a year. When I got my paycheck, it was $20,000 a year. It was a bad experience overall.

[A]

A lot of suspicion in radio in terms of guilty until proven innocent. Because everyone wants to get on the radio, but no one really is any good. And thus a lot of skepticism when you try to do it. So you're now doing. You're with Kent Voss, you're in Seattle, you're doing mornings with Kent. And what's the living situation?

[B]

Living with Kent. And I'm married at the time, so my ex wife, Gina Kent. And the reason we lived together is because I was making less money than I. So I rented a house thinking I was making $30,000, and then found out I was making $20,000. And so Kent had to stay with us. So we lived together. And Kent and his dog Zeb, who was half Pit bull, half poodle.

[A]

Wow, great dog. And have you had your kids yet? You got married?

[B]

Really? I got married when I was 20. I had Katie when I was 24.

[A]

Okay, so you're still a little ways off of kids. Yes. So now, how long do you do radio in Seattle before you're asked to leave?

[B]

10 months?

[A]

Not even a year. Did they give the reason?

[B]

They just said it wasn't working out. You know, they never really. That is the reason, really. I mean, there's. You know, it wasn't like I was always on time. I never missed a day of work. I mean, especially when you look at all of those things, you know, I worked very hard. I was, you know, know, always there.

[A]

It's a weird. Jimmy's a weird guy to fire. Because radio and entertainment in general is filled with flakes and drug addicts and people that just overslept and whatever. Well, more so in radio. More so in radio. But Jimmy. And there's two reasons you fire a guy. A, he's not funny, or B, you just can't deal with the guy. Such a flake. He's missed three days in a row. And whatever Jimmy was, you know, we'd come in in the mornings at Kroc. He'd come in at 4am he'd be editing my bits with a RAZ blade and putting the stuff, like, putting the tape down on Stein, taping it together and stuff like. I don't ever remember you being late or even close to tardy or everyone's leaving early.

[B]

But, yeah, you know, I took it pretty seriously.

[A]

Well, yeah. I mean, you had a crazy work ethic. So, I mean, to fire you, it wouldn't be because you were late or for drugs or for banging the boss's wife or, like, you just have to. They'd have to just think you so artistically.

[B]

Yeah, well, I also used to have fun in the office. You know, there was, like. In my first job in Seattle, there was a company newsletter that went around, and I would make the COVID for that newsletter, and I, you know, take nude men, and I'd put the general manager's head on the nude men and have people blowing each other and that kind of thing. And I always thought it was funny. And everyone at the station thought it was funny, except for the guy who was blowing the other guy on the newsletter. He never thought it was funny. And eventually there'd be enough kind of bad blood that when it came time to either give me the benefit of the doubt or not give me the benefit of the Doubt. They didn't give me the benefit of the doubt.

[A]

I always wonder though, like why, like when I met Jimmy, I locked onto Jimmy, but I grabbed onto Jimmy like you were just floating out in the open sea and a styrofoam cooler came wandering by and you just grabbed it with both hands. Like, that's the way I grabbed onto Jimmy. I thought Jimmy was funny and Jimmy thought I was funny. And it was easy for us to understand. Like, oh, hey, this guy's sharp, this guy's funny. I don't understand why the business. Even if you're not funny as a general manager, program director, whatever, you don't go, this guy's funny. Like, don't you think you would recognize a young David Letterman or fill in the blank like Howard Stern? Like, why don't they recognize these young version?

[B]

I mean, if you met them, you would know. I mean, they are. This is just above. I'd say it's probably radio is just above mime, I guess, or performing out on the street for nickels at the farmer's market. I think that the radio industry is just above that. So you're talking about guys who, for the most part grew up in the market. They have their lifers at the radio station. They want to be on that radio station forever. And if you cause any kind of trouble at all, they want no part of it. Even though when they hire you, they say, we want to cause trouble, we want to be edgy, we want to do things. And they don't. They don't. They're lying when they say those things. And I, of course, would believe them when they'd say those things and go, great. Well, I'm just, I'm the perfect person for you. I'm going to cause trouble. You're going to get phone calls.

[A]

Paul Bryan. Yes.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

Is there an industry that seems more glamorous, that is actually less glamorous than being on the radio? Oh, maybe porn driver. Porn has to. Yeah, I'd say porn. Although I think we've, pardon the pun, blown the lid off of the porn industry. It used to seem kind of groovy.

[B]

How about pharmacists?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You go to college for eight years to work in the back of a supermarket, essentially.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But you get to look down at everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You do get to stand up on that riser. So now you go from Seattle to where? And at one point home.

[B]

Back home to my parents house in Arizona.

[A]

With your wife? Wife.

[B]

With my wife. 26 foot moving truck, Pontiac Grand Am attached To the back of it.

[A]

Right. And you move back home to your parents in Arizona and you're living at home with your wife, which not living the dream.

[B]

Not ideal. Valet parking. In fact, I was valet parking at a local boxing club. Nightclub. Male strip club. One night a week. It was a male strip club. And Danny Bonaduce used to come to this nightclub. Not when it was a male strip club, but I used to park his car and he was on the radio in Phoenix at the time. But that was a bad time for me. I wrecked a truck that had Duallys on it, which I still don't understand how a car could be wider in the back than it is in the front.

[A]

I have one. Yes. Dual wheels in the back. Dual. The truck. The rear axle and tires go bubbling way out and it's easy to scrape.

[B]

$500.

[A]

That's the greatest story I, I have ever heard.

[B]

$500 deductible. I had to pay. That was like seven and a half nights work, right?

[A]

Right. So now you're working, you're parking cars, you are living back home, you're married and living at home.

[B]

And sending out tapes.

[A]

And sending out tapes from radio days. Or are you making these tapes from radio days?

[B]

Sending demo tapes from our time in Seattle and just. We get radio and records this trade paper every Thursday and I'd be out waiting by the mailbox. And if it was a day late, it was heartbreaking. But every Thursday I'd be there. I'd go through the want ads, look at every. I'd send a tape to everyone that was looking for a morning show. And almost no one ever responded. Because that's the thing about radio. They will never listen to your tapes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I mean, they just won't do it.

[A]

Well, you're almost guilty by virtue of being the person who handed the tape in or sent the tape in. You know what I mean? Like if you're the person that slides the tape under the door and says give it a listen, they're not gonna listen because you're unemployed and sending a tape to them. Yeah. They wanna discover people or know about somebody or hear some buzz about somebody. Cause I used to remember sitting in Kevin Weatherly's office and you always have a pile of tapes that people sent in and there's no intention. But now you're in a position where you get piles of shit sent to you.

[B]

Right? And I don't listen to him and.

[A]

You don't listen to em. That's the point.

[B]

But I am not putting out an ad. Saying, send me your tapes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That' you know, they're sending them unsolicited.

[A]

Right. So you would send. You got nothing. So then how does the next gig come about?

[B]

We'd get excited. If we even got a, like a rejection letter. It said, like, we enjoyed your tape. Unfortunately, we hired somebody else. We considered that a small victory.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So then I got two jobs in the same week after nine months of unemployment, while I was working as a valet partner.

[A]

Were Joan and Jim your parents trying to.

[B]

They were my parents. At the time?

[A]

Yes, at the time. And they're trying to talk you in. Are they trying to talk you toward college?

[B]

Oh, my dad hated them. This radio plan. Yeah, he hated it. He tried to bribe me to stay home, to just stay and go to college and live there. But I was dead set on it and there was no talking to me about it. So I got a job in Charleston, West Virginia, doing mornings with my partner, Kent. And at the same time, Kent got a job in Tampa, Florida, at a big radio station there. And he was going to try to get me in as the producer of the show, but there was no guarantee. So Kent passed on the West Virginia job and they wanted to give it to me so I'd come do the show. But I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't know how to run the board. I was, you know, I had no idea what I was doing when it came to the mechanics of a show. And I was scared of West Virginia in general.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So I initially accepted that job, and then the next day I called the gun. I said, I just can't do it. And I went to Tampa and I worked in Tampa as the morning show producer and I did characters on air and I worked with this guy, Mike Elliott and Kent Voss, and we got fired in 11 months at that job.

[A]

Wow. So you bested your previous record by a month.

[B]

On that day that I got fired, I got offered a job in Palm Springs to be the morning guy. And Palm Springs is a very small market, so luckily I got my two week severance or else I wouldn't have been able to afford to move. I moved with that money to California, to Palm Springs, and I worked there for a year and a half. I did not get fired at that job. Carson Daly was my intern at that job and he took over when I left. I went to another radio station in Tucson and got fired there in another 10 months, I think.

[A]

Wow. He never made it a year at any of these places except for Palm Springs.

[C]

How did your Wife feel about all the moving around.

[B]

We didn't talk much. She wasn't crazy about it. But I had, in fairness, I'd explained that this was probably what was going to happen, although I didn't believe that it was what was going. I figured, oh, somebody's going to like me at one of these places. But it's, you know, it's an itinerant type of job, radio. You move around and once you get fired in one market, it's pretty rare that you get picked up at another station there.

[A]

It's also one of those gigs where you either go 10 months or 200 years. You don't. There's not a lot of in between numbers. Either this guy's going on his 35th year on the air or boom.

[B]

Or you're a legend in the market, right? Have, like, one thing you say, like, oh, boy.

[A]

Yeah, when he knows he had one of those. So you go, then, now, when do you get to KROQ in Los Angeles?

[B]

94, January of 1994, just after the earthquake. Which is great timing because there was no place to rent. Everything was rented, right? That was when I got fired in Tucson. I got the job at KROC right away. In fact, I actually didn't have the job at kroq. They'd indicated they were going to give me the job, but never really pulled the trigger for a period of three months. So I just decided to move to LA and show up. And I moved to la. And I remember my first day on the air. I showed up at the studio and Kevin and Bean are the morning guys there. And they looked at me and they said, they hired you? And I thought, oh, no, this is bad. But I did not get fired from that radius. I worked there for five years.

[A]

I'm trying to figure out a couple of the things. Like sometimes people say, well, how'd you get on the radius? I said, well, I was Jimmy's boxing trainer. And then he just told me to call in, but I want to fact check some of this stuff with you because I remember having a conversation with you where you said to me, what do you do? And I said, I shoot the shit. Like, I roll with the punches. I just get in there and I mix it up and I just tell jokes. And he said, Jimmy said, well, you can't do that. And I said, why not? And he said, well, that's what Kevin and Bean do. You gotta come up with a character. And I said, I don't really do characters. And he said, well, you wanna get on the radio, you gotta do a character. That part's right.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

Yeah, but the part.

[B]

That's what everyone says, by the way, when they wanna get on the radio, they wanna just be in there talking.

[A]

Right, but they're not.

[B]

Right. Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, Jimmy Kimmel or maybe Adam Carolla can come in and sit down and start talking now, but back then, who cares? But the question is, you told me, look, just call in Monday morning as your character. And I'm not going to really prep the guys. I'm just going to tell them you're calling in. But I'm not going to tell them you're the boxing coach calling in.

[B]

No, no. How did that work when we're doing the boxing thing? I think they, at that time, they were interested in talking to you because.

[A]

Right. Because I was training you.

[B]

And then they thought you were funny. And then I explained that you were going to be doing a shop teacher character on the show. And they didn't like Kevin and Bean. You can't pitch any idea to them. I mean, they don't like any idea you pitch to them. But I got to the point where I just bullied. I said, listen, just try it. They didn't want to let me on the air when I was working there, and I had to really, like, convince them to give me a try. And only because it went well that first time did they continue to put me on the air. And same thing with Adam. He killed the first time he was on the air. They didn't understand this idea of, you know, I said, he said, he's going to play a wood shop teacher. He's going to be giving a. He's calling in sick and he's going to give a message to his students. And that was your idea. And they didn't understand why we would do that, but they loved it when you did it. And it was instantly very popular.

[A]

I remember. And I tell people all the time, you don't have to be good all of the time. You just have to kind of pick your moments. I mean, yeah, you just.

[B]

Football, it's just not that easy. Yeah.

[A]

And not only that, but, I mean, it's great to be great all the time, but Tom Brady can throw three picks in the middle of the season. He just can't do it in the playoffs or he can't do it in the Super Bowl. Like, there's little moments and people sort of remember they don't give a shit about any three pick games in the middle of the season at almost any given time. But they will recall and they do pay attention to these little moments. It's kind of like dates, you know, you have to. The first one's got to be good and the second one's got to be good. And the 11th one, you can, you can fart cup it, throw it toward your face two times and you'll probably get to a 12th date. But you can't do that on the first date. So it's not. I was very concerned, like, I gotta be good for the first 10 times. That was my thought because I knew. And you tell me if I'm wrong. If you ever turned in a stinker and you'd only had two good ones under your belt, they'd be like, eh, I don't know about next week.

[B]

Oh yeah, two bad ones in a row and forget about it, you're off. Yeah, right. That's how they are. That's how they always were.

[A]

And that's kind of how a lot of people are. I mean, that's kind of how you are with TV shows. Like you can do three bad episodes, but you can't do them in a row.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If you, whether it's Lost or Jimmy Kimmel Live, if you're a big fan and you see three in a row that stink, you might not get to the fourth. You can spread three shitty ones out over a season. Yeah, you just have to put a little padding in between. I'd love to hear that 11th Bircham bit.

[B]

The first like 80 were good. I mean it really, it was. And we worked hard on those bits. They weren't, it wasn't just, you know, that was something that we really like, plan out thought about because for Adam it was important to be funny. And I wanted Adam to be funny because I wanted them to keep him on the show. And I also wanted to be right. You know, I wanted. Because I told them, oh, this guy's great, he's going to be funny. And you know, I wanted to be right.

[A]

I'm trying to think of the name, but the point is, this is why it bothers me when people with opportunities are laid. Like, it's all right to be lazy once you're an established artist and once you're Mariah Carey, you can show up late. But those sort of moments in the beginning where people are lazy. It's funny, all this sort of pre Internet business. I remember when I was writing a Burcham bit and I would write them the night before and then because I didn't read well at all, even Stuff I wrote, I'd write it all out. Then I'd read it out loud like five times because I couldn't get through my own stuff. And I'd write stuff, stuff in big block print and underline stuff. And I remember I wanted to come up with cookies, like a specific cookie that ended up getting shoved up my ass somehow in this. It was pretty high brow stuff. It was like. And I went from my house in La Crescenta up the hill to Foothill Boulevard, up to the Vaughns at like 9:30 at night and went to the cookie section.

[B]

I think I was with you. I was gonna use that as an example. I've done that many times.

[A]

I found Pecan San and I thought that's so much better than just eureka, chocolate chip cookie, eureka. I got a box of pecan sandy shoved up my ass. And I thought it was so much more specific as I was in. But the point is I got my car at 9:30 at night and drove up to the store. There's no funny cookie name Google search back then. And I went up and I wrote it and I thought, oh, this is good. And I'm trying to think like I did that today.

[B]

I went online, I was writing a bit for the show and I was looking for funny British phrases and so I just Google searched them and there's hundreds of them. And I took what I wanted and I made some up and put them together and good day, sir. And every time that's not distracting at all.

[A]

He said good day. Jimmy knows radio, nevermind.

[B]

But anyway, you get the point.

[A]

Yeah, it's specific, funny. But let me ask this then, is there. And I'm trying to figure this one out because. Because my kids were going to the zoo today and here's what happens. I try to lay around in my bed and watch. My wife and I, we watch catfish sometimes on Sunday morning. People keep retweeting me my synopsis of catfish, which I now think is funny because people are retweeting it it to me. But if you ever watch a show, it's MTV and they're meeting online and then the person turns out not to be the person. But the basic synopsis of catfish is she's my soulmate, man. And then what? What? She's fat? And then it's like, fuck this. It's like guys go from she's my soulmate to fuck this. It's just like, oh, she's 20 pounds heavier than I thought she was. Like it shows how shallow and fucked up guys are and they're pissed off, dude. But wait, I thought she was your soulmate. And all the talk, whenever they do the pre interview, it's not like she has such a tight pussy. I'm dying to fuck her. It's always like she fucking knows what I'm thinking. She's my soulmate. We speak in a language that transcends words. And it's like, what, she's 80 pounds overweight? No fucking way. And then they leave all pissed off. But we lay around and we try to watch cat food. And my kids run up with their computer and they do their online shopping. They're shopping what? Well, they're not shopping, they're pointing out what they want online. And I keep doing the Christmas and birthdays. Christmas and birthdays, that's when you get presents. That's when we got presents. Christmas and birthdays, you don't get shit all year round. And then at some point they announced that they're going to the zoo. And as soon as they found out they were going to the Santa Barbara Zoo, they started planning on what they were going to buy at the zoo. And I'm like, you don't buy stuff at the zoo. You go to the zoo, you look at animals, but you don't go there on a shopping spree. And then I realized their pleasure centers are fried. They're just burnt out. There's too much, they can't compute. It's like too much coming in. So the question for you, Jimmy, is back in the day when you used to really like craft those bits, like back in the Kroc days, we would do them. You would do them, I would do them, you would edit them and we would voice them and you would get people in and it really, there was no. You'd have to take the proverbial trip to the supermarket and find Pecan Sandy's, write it down and come back home again. You could not Google it, even though it was wildly time consuming. Was it more satisfying on some level?

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[A]

Now you're right.

[B]

Every time I Google something I think, oh, this is the great. I don't have to go through this nonsense, racking my brain trying to think of going to English more movies or, you know, whatever it may be, you know, Right. I go right on IMDb and figure.

[A]

It out, don't you? And I do. It is like, it's a, it's a great convenience, but on the other hand, it just gets you to the next thing that much faster.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So there's, there's that Much more to get to versus when you used to make things out of claymated items, or you'd make things out of. Out of figurines out of clay. Like, you'd spend the entire day just working on one character.

[B]

Yeah, but how about just like driving to the. In my case, video time with a Y in my neighborhood in Las Vegas and pretending to be perusing the. The comedy section while looking for something that had topless girls in it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then putting it on the counter and hoping they're not going to give you a hard time about renting it because you're only 16. And then getting into your car and that drive home. Very romantic. And then hoping nobody is home so you can use the VCR uninterrupted. I mean, we don't have any of that. There's none of that now. In fact, people I even like. I like watching television shows when they air. And, you know, people like to watch a big block of, you know, Breaking Bad or whatever. But there's something nice about just that, seeing it and then having to wait a week and having that week in which you talk to people about. And just that anticipation. It's just. We swallow everything up so quickly now that it's nice to have a little of that.

[A]

It's basically. I mean, it's basically the essence of foreplay. It's like every guy's impulse is, I want to shove my dick through the mail slot and have someone start sucking on it. Like, I don't even want to go in through the front door. But there's that D. Every guy. Every guy, every human, especially mailman, especially male. No, what I'm saying is the dinner, the conversation, the cocktails at some point, the petting and the booby squeeze over the sweater and stuff like that, it's just a waste of my time. It all leads to a better orgasm. You just don't know it. The women are sort of in control of it. I just mean when I always say, when the Grinch that Stole Christmas would come on when I was a kid, it was huge.

[B]

And if you missed it, it was devastating.

[C]

Remember the special letter that would spin around? Yes, that's what started the butterfly.

[A]

And it'd be like you'd be in the kitchen trying to get some popcorn, and your sister would start screaming, it's on. It's back on. And you go sprinting down the hall and slide in your jammies and stuff. My kids aren't gonna give a fuck about the Grinch that Stole Christmas. They're just they will not give a shit. The reason they won't give a shit is it's cocked through the mailbox time for them. They can go ahead and watch dicks in the mailbox. They have their dicks in the mail. The heads in the cloud. Like Casey Kacen used to say, your feet on the ground, heads in the heads, and stars cock through the mailbox. I'm Casey Kasem. Thanks for listening. No, but they can watch it whenever they want, and then when they want to pause it, they'll pause it, they'll walk away, and I find I will go to movies in theaters so that I can enjoy them because we get the screeners. And I watch 18 minutes of Lincoln, then I put it on pause. Then I go in the kitchen and get some Mangria. Then I come back in there, and I watch another nine minutes of it, and then I go, what's going on? On SportsCenter? And then I watch SportsCenter for 10 minutes, and at a certain point, I get to Varsity Blues, and I call the night.

[C]

I turn something on, put it on pause, and then check Twitter. And I never watch it.

[A]

Right, you got it. That's why everyone goes, why do you want to go to the theater if you can sit at home and watch? I can't sit at home and watch it. I keep. There's too many distractions. Right. All right. The great Jimmy Kimmel's here. I should say, by the way, 11:35, ABC. Thank you very much. And what a just amazing, amazing year Jimmy's having. There are times when I stop and think I should just be jealous and. Or bitter, and I don't know why I'm not, but I just. I really do have such great affection for Jimmy and such great respect. And looking at the reason Jimmy got me into show business and kept me in the show business, and that's why there's nothing you can do that I would never. People ask me once in a while, like, jimmy's doing all this great stuff, and then, what about you? And I just go, people are assholes.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

They're assholes. Yeah. Somebody literally interviewed me once verbatim, and said, we're doing a story on Dr. Drew. I said, okay, I'll talk to you. He said, he has three shows on tv. And I said, yeah, you have none. I said, first off, I'm acutely aware of that, by the way. I would re. I'll be the first to know if I have a show on tv, and I'll tell you, but thank you for that. Heads up, right? You have none. I said, yes, that's true. And she goes, how's it feel? Are you like an 8 year old with a fucking learning disability who got hold of a telephone? Like, what's going on? That's journalism. How does that feel? But I see Jim, like, when I see Jim and doing the correspondence dinner, the Emmys or something, I'm really part of it is I think, oh, bullet dodge. Like, everything to me just sounds like a pain in the air. It's like, oh, God. I know. He's pacing right now. He's pacing, but then I just see him shaking hands with Barack Obama and everything. And I just think, I just feel happy. I don't have any of that.

[B]

We never had that with each other ever.

[A]

Yeah, I tell people all the time. There were times when we would walk through airports and. Well, the greatest. We'll take a break, but I think we're in Mexico.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

You know this story? Of course. All right. The greatest story ever told. First, go to my PC. That's right. It's horrible winter out there. You can't stop it, baby. It's. It's this green 80 degrees that's going on. Yeah, yeah. But didn't quite get to 80. That's right. It's sunstroke out there. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can remote connect to your office computer from your home, from Mac, PC, mobile device, whatever you want. Get to that office computer or get your home computer from the office. Either way, you can do up to like two or three computers. It's pretty good. It's not just one computer. You can hook it up to all of them. You can access your files. You can work on your wacky British bit from here, from the app on your iPhone, if you like. Like, go to my PC, you can try it out for free. 45 day free trial only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Try it free button. And remember, use the promo code Adam. All right.

[B]

I love that you've learned to read. This is a real. This is a triumph over. I mean, first of all, people think that you're kidding when you say that you couldn't read, but you genuinely. I mean, not only couldn't you read, you could not write letters. I mean, it was me, I couldn't read. When I read what you wrote, wrote.

[A]

I learned, like, first off, it's a very good point, which is. And how dare you accuse me of reading that copy from the fucking heart. I speak from the gut when I talk to you. What is that? Go to my PC. When I met Jimmy, I had successfully navigated a life of 30 years without having to read. And once you hit 30 and you haven't started to read, I don't know, it's like playing jazz flute or something. Like, really going to pick it up at this stage in life. Like, if you've never touched it before this, I was doing construction and teaching boxing.

[C]

Were you open about the fact that you couldn't read at the time, or would you come up with ways to hide it like Tootie's boyfriend did on Facts of Life?

[A]

That's the reference that they most often used when they made fun of me down the line.

[B]

Well, because the guys that Adam was associated with, I would have been made.

[A]

Fun of for knowing how to write. Read on the job site or in the chip.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

So it would have been a liability.

[A]

I didn't want to take a verbal pounding for knowing how to read.

[B]

Oh, look at Shakespeare over here with his words.

[A]

Those are letters. So I didn't really know how to read. I couldn't spell. I couldn't write. And it was fine because I was teaching boxing and I was swinging a hammer, and it just never came up. And then especially it's like a fat guy not playing softball. You can avoid. Like, if you're just no good at softball. There are plenty of ways just to not do it.

[B]

Reading probably pops up more frequently in everyday life than softball.

[A]

Little more for some, but not so. I hung out with dudes who didn't read and I didn't read, and I didn't give a shit. And then what happened is, all of a sudden I met Jimmy, and I got in a radio, and there was bits and copy and stuff, and it was just a jumble of words. And not only. Not only did I not really know how to read, but it was such a huge emotional roadblock for me because then it's like, now reading on television is like standing in front of the chalkboard times a million, and my knees would have been buckling standing in front of 28 kids trying to write something. I remember once I was in the sixth grade, they told me to go to the chalkboard and write, like, the pen schedule or something. And I had to write girls and boys and put, like, a line down between the middle of it. And I spelled girls with a U, which does make sense. And by the way, not confusing. It's not like boys and girl, like, what? Who? What's that other species. But still, that was it for me. Like, all the laughter, the chalk and everything. So when I got hooked up with Jimmy, I had to learn to spell girls. And it's funny because people are like, well, you're dyslexic. It's always funny. I always say this, which is, a white guy who can't read is dyslexic. And a black guy who can't read is like, fell through the cracks. System let him down. It's like, why can't the black guy be dyslexic? It's racist. Saying fell through the cracks. System let him down. I never got to. Fell through the crack. System let him down. I just got. I got the. Well, you must be dyslexic. And I got tested. When you get tested for dyslexia, it's like getting an AIDS test and hoping you're HIV positive. Please let there be some sort of clinical reason for the reason I cannot read the back of the cereal box. And it's like, you're fine. And I'm like, no, I'm not. You don't understand.

[B]

I still think you. I think whoever administered that test made a mistake. Because you see people who are illiterate, but not who have a very high level of intelligence. It's just, there must be something. Maybe it's something they haven't discovered yet. Maybe it's something they'll name after you.

[A]

That'd be nice. I always wanted a syndrome named after me. I have a meteor, I think, named after me. I'm now, by the way, I'm an official colonel in Kentucky. And now the synchronous syndrome named after me. Would be efficient.

[B]

Syndrome would be great.

[A]

Would be the hat trick.

[B]

You don't want a disease, but syndrome would be nice.

[A]

I got a lot of good stuff in the Urban Dictionary, by the way. Mike lynch just got one. I got Bahaiman in the Urban Dictionary. We got good lenses, bad frames.

[B]

Bahaiman is a joke that you wrote a long time ago.

[A]

I know. Good lenses, bad frames is a guy who's actually smart but sort of just looks off, looks dumb somehow. Dr. Bruce was the inspiration for that. Black simile is what I have. Like when you're trying to think, is that the big guy from the Green Mile or the big guy from the black guy from there? Like, I don't know, one of those. One of the big bald black guys. That works.

[B]

That's reasonable.

[A]

That's reasonable.

[C]

What do you want your syndrome to be?

[A]

Well, it's gotta be Something to do with.

[B]

It'll be whatever Lynette dies of.

[A]

That's right. Beaten with an axe handle. Itis. All right. We'll take a quick break. Jimmy Kimmel here. Right. Back with Is the. The. Are you reading?

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

The example of him not having.

[C]

He's thinking it's worse.

[A]

No. Of us always being good with each other's success or lack thereof. That took place at a hotspot in Mexico on spring break, right? Yeah, that's right. Awesome story right after this.

[B]

Adam.

[A]

Yeah. Back with Jimmy Kimmel, of course. Show 1135, ABC. It is about time. And doing great in the raid. Ratings after 10 years. Was there any. You know, it's so weird because there's this sort of thing with you, which is I know the first few years were kind of tough and ratings weren't fantastic and so on and so forth, but I always had that element or that feeling of, ah, it's Jimmy, it's going to work. He's going to make it work. I never had that.

[B]

But yeah, I did force it to work, I guess. I mean, I just really just worked at it as much as I possibly could as far as it being staying on the air.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Once you're there, you're kind of there.

[A]

The story you were going to tell about like senor Frogs, spring break and all that kind of stuff. Go ahead and tell it if you like.

[B]

So we were in Mexico for a bachelor party and there's a big bunch of us. And I think we went out at like midnight or something. Something. And there were a bunch of girls at the bar, American girls. And they were very excited, very, very excited to see Adam and swarming at.

[A]

Him because I was on mtv.

[B]

He's on Loveline on mtv and very, very excited. You know, I'm sitting there and probably, I don't know, a dozen girls. One of them looks over at me and she goes, oh, my dad watches you on Win Ben Stein's Money. It couldn't have been more deflating.

[A]

It was out of a movie. Cause it was a cavalcade of, hey, I know you from mtv. And then finally one of them went, hey, I know you. My dad's a big fan.

[B]

And that woman married my cousin Sal and.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Yeah, it was Moliskers.

[A]

Yeah. I always laugh about you being at the hotel and calling everyone as George Wall and waking them up with your crazy black voice. But George Wallace has a crazy black voice and I don't know what hotel.

[B]

And I don't Know who you're calling in New York. We were there for the Hugh Hefner roast. It was like six days after 9, 11. We did the roast. It went well. Afterwards, we were hanging out in the hotel room. We'd had a few drinks, and I had the phone list of everyone involved with the production. So I just started at the top, and I called the president of Comedy Center Central as George Wallace, the comedian, saying, I just want to say I had a great time and thank you for inviting me, and what a great. Oh, okay. Now people don't know why they're getting calls in the middle of the night. And I went down the list and called every comedian, every executive. I even called the catering director for the hotel and said, you know the filet mignon, that was delicious, but it's too small. I'm a big man, you know? And I called Dick Capri, who was.

[A]

This old comic, and nobody really has the balls to go, this is not George Wallace. No one knows exactly what he sounds like. And he does sound like a cartoon character of a large black man in a Kango.

[B]

Well, a lot of people thought it was George Wallace.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I was just telling the story the other day. Remember when you called the John and Jeff show as your black man and they asked you. They go. They kept going, you're not black. Junior's like, yes, sure enough, I am. And they're like, you are not. Then eventually, one of them went, all right, if you're black, let's hear your rap. I was driving in the other car just laughing maniacally, and I'm racist. You know.

[B]

You know, I was just telling Brian, this is a story. I'm not sure if you know this story, but my old assistant Jenny, at the show, I had an assistant named Jenny, and she'd get confused easily. But I was dealing with, we're having that kind of telethon or a charity event for Brian. And I wanted to donate a lot of stuff to this event, sporting memorabilia that I had and a lot of stuff. And also, there was a man who worked for a health insurance company that had helped get my Uncle Frank's health insurance approved. Now, he didn't do anything particularly special, but I got him on the phone because they were dragging their feet, and it wound up speeding up the process. So I wanted to send him a hat and a T shirt, and I wanted to give Brian what was probably around $10,000 worth of sports memorabilia, Magic Johnson's Michigan jersey from college. I mean, a lot of great stuff. She accidentally. Well, this guy calls and goes. I don't know what to say. I am overwhelmed. This is your kindness. And I'm thinking, okay, yeah, well, my pleasure. I sent the guy a hat, a T shirt, but I thought, wow, maybe he doesn't get anything. Needless to say, he got all of that stuff. And Brian's auction got the hat and the T shirt. Sorry, Brian.

[A]

Jimmy says to me, do you know the story about all this? I'm like, nope, never heard that.

[B]

It was bad.

[A]

Yeah. 10 grand, light in the pockets. We have some calls for Jimmy. Someone wants to know about your days over at fox doing the NFL. Mario from Minnesota 46. Jimmy.

[B]

Hey, Mario.

[A]

How you doing? Hey. You know, I feel like it was only yesterday that you were just this pathetic little patsy trying to make the most of your appearance on, you know, fox NFL sports on it. And I saw the potential. I really did. But do you ever just sort of question, why didn't you wear your rat?

[B]

This is what. This is a weird combination of. It's a weird cocktail of insults and compliments.

[A]

And I'm not a total compliment. I'm not.

[B]

No, no, it's not a total compliment. I assure you.

[A]

It's about 61%. But that's.

[B]

Patsy is a compliment, but.

[A]

All right, well, let's talk.

[B]

No, but I wasn't that.

[A]

Let's talk about this. Who screens these calls? I don't think, like, it's a weird thing. Like, do you feel like you've gotten funnier or smarter?

[B]

No.

[A]

Or have you worked on. Is it more just reps and arrangement? Like, have you learned that if you became a better student of the game, Are you funnier now than you were when you were 25 or whatever?

[B]

Well, you don't play the game. The game plays you. You know that.

[A]

Yeah, I do know that.

[B]

And no, I don't think. I think it's just. I'm doing a different thing. I mean, you know, I was. I'm pretty good with disposable comedy, and that's exactly what we do at the show every day. It's whatever's in the news that day. And I can be funny off the cuff, and I could prepare things that are funny, and it's really just what I did on the radio. It's the same thing.

[A]

Do you want to. I was actually thinking about interviewing Jimmy Kimmel, and I was like, think. I think I'm sort of glad that things didn't go my way all the time, because it sort of forced me to write Some books. And it forced me to go out and do some standup and do some shit that I just wouldn't have done. And then I think, well, Jimmy's a super funny guy who's done a whole bunch of different things. Do you want to write a book? Do you want to produce a movie? Do you want to.

[C]

Do you want Mike August to book you into some place in Poughkeeper?

[B]

Yeah, I like to go on the road with Mike. That's my.

[A]

By the way, think about your answer for a second and I can tell you the greatest. The bends, the decompression. Jimmy bought at an auction. Charity thing. Like one of those three days or four days at the villa in Cancun. Deals.

[B]

Cabo.

[A]

Yeah, Cabo. It's like that thing you and Jennifer Aniston are hanging out in. Like one of those places get massaged during the day. You get your own beachfront. Everyone sits by the infinity pool and drinks margaritas.

[B]

There's a butler.

[A]

There's a butler and a. You know, and there's a screening room with a big 10 foot, 12 foot screen. You watch movies at night. And it's the greatest. It's the greatest thing ever. Jimmy had this thing booked from like Thursday to Sunday or whatever it was. Actually, I think about it, it was probably like Sunday to Wednesday or something during vacation time. And Jimmy was gracious enough to invite me and Lynette, and we went down there and it was great. Beautiful, beautiful blue seas, daiquiris, margaritas, the whole nine yards. Massages. And I had to leave one day early because I was doing two gigs in Addison, Texas, at the Ha Ha Hole upstairs at a strip mall. And like, I'm not talking about Dallas, Texas. I'm talking about Addison, which I didn't even know where Addison is. And it's a like, shitty little club, staying at the Red Roof Inn. I remember drinking red wine out of a plastic cup. Always a bad sign. Always a bad sign. When the TV runs the same direction as the bed, when you have to lie weird on the bed to watch it. TV's not where your feet are. You have to turn your body around and pull the pillows aside so you can watch the TV. TV's deeper than it is wide even in 2000 and probably 11 back then. But I went from on the beach, Cancun to Addison, Texas, like that. And it was. It just made me that much more.

[B]

Miserable, you know, when you left Mexico. And it's a major step down that.

[A]

Something weeping as I'm going through the airport in Mexico, I think you only.

[B]

Were in Mexico for one day. I think you had to leave like.

[A]

Two or three days early, so.

[C]

Yeah. Do you want to do all those glamorous things one day?

[B]

I'd love to, yeah. I'm looking forward to it. I get enough time with Mike August, believe me.

[A]

Yeah, I know, I know, but do you. Oh, there it is.

[B]

It's the improv comedy.

[A]

Yeah, it's upstairs. It was just never a good sign in the comedy world all night and it was a little room anyway. So a book, a movie, any. Anything of that nature?

[B]

No, I don't think I might write a book one day. But I think you've covered pretty much all of it in your book, so I don't think I really need to write. I may just come up with a new cover and use yours and any.

[A]

Other like producing any TV shows, you know, worldwide, pants style.

[B]

Not really. Not really. Good.

[A]

Fuck it. You're busy enough, you make enough money. Fuck it. Yes, Brad, I have a question about Jimmy's career. How did you go from morning show sidekick to. You were hosting a game show on Comedy Central? Ben Stein.

[B]

I was the sports guy on kroc. And people, some producers heard me on the radio and asked me to come audition for that spot and I did and they hired me.

[A]

Here's a hard hitting question from Sarah in Los Angeles. 37. Sarah, different Sarah, why don't I just. Sarah, you there? It's a question I've always asked myself. Huh? Sarah says, how does Adam feel when Jimmy is confused by how bad Adam's family is?

[B]

Yeah, I get mad about it. I don't feel confused by Angers me. It's crazy.

[A]

We do have crazy polar opposite families in terms of involvement.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I mean, your family is much more involved than the average family.

[B]

My family is more involved with you than most families are with their own children.

[A]

Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. Your mom and dad know much more about me than my mom and dad know about me. If you could sit down and do a little quiz show, this would be.

[B]

A fun thing to do, by the way.

[A]

Fun for your family. Very painful. Humiliating for my mom.

[B]

You might as well. They should be punished.

[A]

Sarah. Oh, there you are. Hello. Yes. Your question is. I basically asked it already.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Can you hear me? Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so I had a question along those lines.

[A]

So I can have the same family background more as Adam than Jimmy? Yeah, but you don't do anything cool, so you never know it. So my question is, is I never realized kind of how bad it was till my therapist would be the. Oh, sweetie. Oh, wow. You know, so I wonder, Adam, do.

[C]

You ever have those moments when Jimmy.

[A]

Looks at you or his family looks at you and are like, oh, wow, really? Okay. I love Jimmy's family. You know, it's weird because I look at Jimmy's family as, you know, Jimmy has. You probably have a certain amount of baggage with your family that's hard to escape. Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That everyone has with their family. And for me, it's like a puppy. But I don't have to clean up their shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? I see them on the holidays. I see them at the feast of San Gennaro. I see them when they're in a good mood. They don't hit me up for money and we can hang out and just have a drink together and then I leave. We never have the.

[B]

Well, even if you spent a great deal of time with them, you wouldn't have that because they're just something. I don't know what it is. And I think about it a lot because I think it happens to everyone. There's something about the relationship between the parent and the child that it's almost like they can make you crazy so much more quickly than anyone else can. They get right to it.

[C]

It's stuff that no one else would even understand. Why it hits you that way because.

[B]

There'S so much subtext to everything.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And they also represent you. And in a way, in, you know, both, like physically represent you. I mean, like, you, like, you see your dad going off on a boring tangent and you recognize that in yourself and you go, okay, what I'm going to do is correct that in him. And that way it won't happen to me when I am his age.

[C]

And I think when you react to something that your parents do, when you're triggered, you're reacting not as the age you are now, but the age you are now and every age you've been.

[B]

Yeah. Well, you look back at things when you couldn't stand up for yourself or you didn't have the capacity to stand up for yourself. But my mother, like, it's a typical Italian thing, but she's a force feeder and it's crazy. It doesn't matter what's happening, what the circumstances are. I mean, she made five different cakes and we were headed to a charity event at which you go around to each chef's stand and we were excited about it and told them about it. And she forced my fiance to eat five slices of cake before this event. Five slices of Cake.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Five slices of fucking cake.

[A]

Now, for me, that would have been a novelty for my mom. And then I would have found it interesting, amusing and adorable because it's the polar opposite of what my mom would do. But for you, history, familiarity with your mom, somewhere around the fourth piece of.

[B]

Cake, you start going like, what's happening here? Why is this, you know, is this some sort of weird power thing? Why am I going along with it? And then I explode. And then it's like, whoa, whoa, you're being a maniac and I am being a maniac. But there's 45 years of mania that's leading up to me being a maniac.

[A]

How much better in terms of mania and mania, you're getting married soon. How much better a husband do you think you'll be now versus a 19 or 21 year old old Jimmy Kimmel?

[B]

Oh, I think I hope I'm better.

[A]

You have to be, right?

[B]

Yeah, I'd have to be. Or I mean, I was, you know, I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. I was half husband, half hostage.

[A]

Right. I remember I was a husband when I met Jimmy's ex wife. Gina was at the. Was at the Garden, at the Bleeder and Receipt.

[B]

The boxing match that you trained me for.

[A]

Right. The hell was that place called?

[B]

Yeah, it had a very plain name.

[A]

Yeah, no, it was the Reseda. I'll think of it.

[B]

Country Club.

[A]

Country Club, Yeah, I think it's where they filmed Boogie Nights. I think it's where Mark Wahlberg worked on Boogie Nights. If you look at the exterior and you do the whole thing, we'll figure it out. But it was a famous place that been there for a million years. And they used to have fights and rock concerts there and stuff like that. But when I first met Jimmy's ex wife, I went up to her like in my boxing trainer mode. And it's a country club. Yeah. Now see, there's a picture of it. And if you look at the exteriors of Boogie Nights when they're like walking outside after Mark Wahlberg finishes the shift and Burt Reynolds there and stuff like that, I swear to God, God, it's the same place. And it makes sense. It was all in the Valley and porn and everything like that. But I went up to Gina and I just said as a, like I was trying to be professional.

[B]

Meanwhile, he sent me in without my mouth guard.

[A]

Second round, I said, listen, we're talking, telling jokes, drinking Snapple. It was great because I didn't want to train Jimmy. And Jimmy didn't want to train. So we just sat down.

[B]

It worked out perfectly.

[A]

So I said to. I said to. Said, there she is. And I said, hey, listen, I just want you to understand that this is perfectly safe. 16 ounce gloves, wearing headgear, it's gonna be fine. And she looked at me and she said, I hope that guy kicks his ass. I went, wow, I'm not prepared for that. I'm thinking she was gonna come up to me and go, I'm concerned of what's going on here. Like, this has gone beyond a joke here. But she was like, I hope he gets killed.

[C]

How much longer were you married?

[B]

We had a Ralph and Alice type relationship. Quite a lot while. Quite a while.

[A]

I used to call up Jimmy's house, and she'd pick up the phone and I'd go, hey, is Jimmy there? And she'd go, yeah. And I'd go, can you go get him? And she'd go, can you just call back? And I won't pick up this time? I'd be like, or you can just go get him. Just call back.

[B]

Yep, that's all true.

[A]

Yeah. But I don't know many guys who are. It is the country club from Boogie Nights, by the way. I just don't think guys are wired for marriage. Even pre 30. Forget pre 25. Like, it's a sad thing, women. Lynette, Molly, take this in spirit in which it's intended. But it's that sort of thing where you make your peace with God. You're done with.

[C]

You know, so you're just sliding towards death around the time you figure out.

[A]

You'Re okay with that, you don't want to die, per se. Daddy, stop talking. But what you do, it's the same time. It's like when somebody cuts. If somebody cuts you off and you're willing to get out of your car and, like, bang on that guy's window or scrap, you're not ready for marriage. That same gene that gets you out of the car will get you into trouble in the bedroom as well, or the kitchen or the entry hall. When you lose that, when you have that thing, when you stop producing testosterone and start producing estrogen and you sort of stop caring just a little bit, and the guy cuts you off and you go, eh, let him cut me off. So we'll get to the theater 20 seconds later. That's when you're ready for marriage. When you've stopped caring, uh, oh, Daddy, stop talking.

[B]

We may have a problem then, because I'm not quite there.

[A]

Yet. All right. No, but God willing.

[B]

Yeah, God willing. Yeah. As the hair migrates from. From my head to my back.

[A]

That's right. God willing soon. All right, let's do some news with Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[B]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[A]

It's Allison. Allison.

[B]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[A]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[C]

So in a very small ceremony, Obama was officially sworn in for his second term on Sunday because the Constitution mandates that that has to happen on January 20. It does not normally fall on a Sunday, but on Monday, there will be a big public ceremony.

[A]

Even during the playoffs, Even during playoff games. Yeah, Someone's got to mend that constitution. I said Sunday. Fine. Sunday. NFL Sunday.

[C]

I know.

[A]

We got an issue.

[C]

It's fucked up.

[A]

I feel like I get.

[C]

Why did our forefathers not.

[A]

They should have anticipated large black men running into each other. How confused would they be?

[C]

In a way, they did.

[A]

I'd like to show our forefathers to New England Patriots. What? These Negroes are so large. Who let them out?

[C]

And then a Fox 5 anchor was talking about the inauguration and had an unfortunate slip of the tongue. Oh, no.

[A]

Very much.

[B]

7:48 on this Thursday morning. Coming up next, the most expensive way.

[A]

To celebrate the president's second term. Good morning, Holly. Is there any other way that you would want to celebrate it? Hey, listen, we are live this morning at the Willard Intercontinental Hotel. It's been a key inaugural spot for 150 years.

[B]

Yeah, that's a tough word.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They need to come up with a better word than that.

[C]

The first time I heard it, I thought, oh, what's the. I mean, it's so obvious that, you know, it was a slip of the tongue. But then I thought, eh, that's still pretty embarrassing.

[A]

No, but the slip of the tongue has to start with a slip of the brain. That happened earlier.

[C]

Yeah. Don't say this. Don't say this.

[A]

Probably you have to say. And it's right up there with don't get a boner. There's certain things where, like, don't do this. Never leads to.

[C]

Does that happen if you tell yourself.

[B]

Not to get a. Oh, you'll instantly have a boner.

[A]

You'll have a boner instantly for your whole life.

[C]

Or just around the age where you're not supposed to get married.

[B]

Oh, you mean a boner for your whole life or. No, it goes down eventually.

[C]

No, but I mean, like, can a 65 year old be like, don't get a boner? Boing.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I will tell you. Here's the thing about the boner. The 65 year old with erectile difficulty can't say, don't get a boner. That's not how it works. But if you're 15 and you're in your underpants and you're waiting for your physical because you want to play high school football and you say, don't get a boner. Pow. Boner. So the reason we hold the slip of the tongue to people, because you go, oh, that was just a slip of the tongue. But had to have a slip of the brain. At some point before the slip of the tongue, they had to be thinking that, all right. Funny.

[C]

Duff Goldman, better known as Ace of Cakes, you know, he makes the crazy.

[A]

Jimmy's mom hangs with that guy.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah, they make cakes, they sell.

[B]

What'd he do?

[C]

He's making the inaugural cake.

[B]

Oh, I think you're gonna say he was arrested for something weird or something, right?

[C]

I wish. Cause he irritates me, even though I'm sure he's a lovely guy. But I just wanted to know, Adam, how do you feel about all the crazy cakes?

[A]

I don't. I didn't know when the tournament entered the kitchen. Like, I don't. I feel like that's a place I don't want people doing battle.

[B]

I think the Iron Chef started it.

[A]

He started it. And now people are literally getting in each other's grill about cooking cakes. Throw down. I don't want people throwing down over my pie. Cause I also feel like too, when people get angry, they spit.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

They become agitated. Like, you know, they get people like, fuck you.

[C]

Spit on his hand.

[A]

Next thing you know, there's shit all over my Denver omelette. I want a nice. Like, I want Enya playing and guys very quietly walking around in slippers being nice to each other with full beard and hair nets on.

[C]

Yeah. All we see on TV are really angry people who are cooking.

[A]

Yeah. Putting in a room in a place with flames and knives and agitating them. Not smart. I like the craftsmanship in it. I don't like that every guy has the weird goatee and the aggressive piercing. And I was born to bake tattoo on.

[B]

You have to. When you make cakes like that for.

[C]

A living, is it because cooking is sort of classically female that they have to.

[B]

Baking is even more so. Yeah, I don't.

[A]

But when did Everything come with attitude. Like, I do understand energy drinks can't have a picture of a guy on a donkey asleep. You know, like, that wouldn't be a good label for an energy drink. Although it would be like, see how confident we are Sleeping Donkey energy drink. Yeah. Think how common. It's like the Smuckers commercial. But why does everything have to be, like, so fucking juiced up and in your face? Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Well, when you're making wedding cakes, you know, you have to. I guess you have to make it clear that I'm not to be fucked with.

[A]

That's the way to do it. People think they can take you. Yeah, right. Okay.

[B]

It's like being in prison, Right?

[C]

You mean like they think you're a cream puff because you make cream puffs, right?

[A]

That's exactly.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Barbara Walters was hospitalized because she fell on the stairs of the British ambassador's residence on Saturday night. This is in dc. She was there.

[B]

What time was it?

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Did you feel a chill? Cause it was that time.

[B]

Why was she at the British Ambassadors in the middle of the night? Very suspicious.

[A]

It sounds.

[C]

But it's descending the staircase of shame.

[A]

It's a perfect place for her to fall, though, right? Right?

[B]

Yeah, it makes me suspicious even. It's so perfect.

[A]

Right, but if somebody said, what are you suggesting she was leaving an Olive Garden in Montana. You'd be like, what? But this sounds like where she should fall.

[B]

Right where you'd expect Barbara fall.

[A]

It's perfect. Like when you hear, like, what, she fell where? Oh, okay, that makes sense.

[B]

At what age does you falling become new?

[C]

Yeah, because she's 83. It should be news if she doesn't fall.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Yeah. But if like, you know, if like Elizabeth. What's her name on that Chofell. We wouldn't know about that.

[A]

Hasselback.

[B]

Hasselback wouldn't know because she's too young. But I think 70 is the age at which it becomes a news item when you fall.

[C]

Yeah. And she's hospitalized.

[B]

Oh, hospitalized as well. I think you're automatically hospitalized when you're 83 and you.

[C]

I think you automatically break something.

[B]

Probably.

[C]

She was going to be on the news on Monday, but she's not going to be now because of the hospitalization in the fall.

[A]

It's weird when you. Although when you break in a weird way when you get old, breaking stuff is a bigger deal and not so big a deal. You know what I mean? Like when you're 13 and you break your wrist, it's kind of a big Deal. You had to do something good, like snowboarding or something. Now you're getting out of the bathtub or petting your cat.

[C]

And at what age all your friends stop signing your cat cast?

[A]

I think they stopped since they started going to the fiberglass cast.

[B]

No, they still do this. Yeah, they go even further. They have stickers and all sorts of things that go on the cast.

[A]

They have waterproof ones now. They have, like, purple DayGlo ones now. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It ruined everything.

[A]

Yeah. It used to be just that weird, weird plaster. And then would just smell like fucking hell. And then you could do a coat hanger. Remember when coat hangers used to be used for almost anything except for hanging coats, like antennas and breaking into cars and it just fucking everything. Undo the coat hanger and slide it down.

[B]

It's still the first place I go. And you know, when you throw those dry cleaning things away, I mean, if you need to get something out of something, you go right to the coat hanger. By the way, I just remembered my grandfather. We never. We bought one set of luggage in, like, 1940, and then we had that set of luggage well through the 90s until I finally replaced everyone's luggage but my grandfather. The luggage was bursting open. Used plaster. Plaster to seal the luggage.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Plaster.

[A]

His grandfather was a crafty, gentle soul with huge hands and a lot of bad ideas. Fell into a coffin in 2000. 2000, right. Is that the last time he fell? That is ultimately your last fall. Did he break the plaster open once he reached his destination?

[B]

Yeah, he had to saw it. Oh, no, it didn't. It crumbled immediately upon loading it on the plane. But for some reason, he thought that would be. He probably had no duct tape, and he did have plaster, and he plastered the luggage shut.

[A]

Great guy with a great grip. Just huge old man, grippy hand. At some point in your life, you have what you call, like a variable speed on your hand, which is like, there's the handshake for the little boy, and then there's the handshake for when you meet Howie Long. They're different handshakes. At a certain point, you get old and you have one handshake. It's, I will crush every bone in your arm.

[C]

We talked about that. Because my landlord, who's 83, is stronger than I am, but it's in the arms.

[A]

But it's just that one handshake. And it's little boys, Howie, same handshake, do not have a variable speed. I have an on and off speed on my hand.

[B]

My grandfather, his brother was a policeman, and his fingers were so big, they could not fit through the trigger. They had to make him a custom gun because he couldn't get his index finger through the trigger of the gun.

[A]

Wow. Imagine if he went bowling rough on his old lady.

[C]

Another news story about people in the news. Katie Couric will get the first televised interview with Mantita.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Only I would get that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Turns out you won't get that. But you know who else won't get it? Oprah. I bet she's bummed.

[B]

Oh, she's got to be beside herself. He's in a lot of trouble.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

What's your theory on that? What do you think happened? Cause I have a theory on that.

[A]

My game is always stupid or liar. Like, I.

[B]

You know, I think it's both.

[A]

It's both.

[B]

I think he was tricked at first.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He believed it and then was too embarrassed to change the story and decided and got in deeper and deeper and deeper. And that's just my guess.

[A]

I think it's pretty easy for almost any of us to do, though. If somebody said, hey, man, you know, and pointed at you and said, this guy's a war hero. Three tours in Nam and two purple Hearts. And your first impulse. You have a minute. It's sort of like when somebody calls you by the wrong name. You can either correct it right there, there, or go through the rest of the party answering to Gerald Anthony Jes.

[C]

Came up to me after our show to Malfi and went, andrea. And I said with, like, a force that frightened me. I said, Allison.

[A]

Yeah, but at least you did it.

[C]

Yeah, but I felt bad after. I think he flinched. I flinched.

[A]

If you walk away once, you don't correct the person who calls you, it sets. And then you have to re. Break those bones. And nobody wants to do that because I would have to. Change becomes weird. And then we get mad at the person for lying, except for really they just kind of backed into something and then they couldn't stop it.

[B]

Yeah. Terry Bradshaw called me Billy. And Lou Ferrigno, after appearing on my show multiple times, called me Brian.

[C]

Did you correct him or just go with it?

[B]

I laughed hysterically and did not correct him.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It was more like Brian Manti Teow told ESP end because they got an interview with him, but it was off camera that he lied to his dad and said that he met Linne Kakua in person. And then he had to tailor his story because he had lied to his dad. That's what he's claiming.

[B]

That sounds about right. That sounds about right.

[A]

But it is one of these, I always like these stories.

[B]

I like to hear a good looking football player in this situation because it's so unusual, right? I mean, you know, you'd expect this of like the kid in the marching band at Notre Dame, but you think he probably has a thousand girls throwing themselves at him. And the idea that he, you know, my first thought was oh, maybe, maybe, maybe he's gay.

[A]

He's gay.

[C]

That is a rumor that is out there.

[B]

I started that.

[C]

Good work.

[B]

But if that was the case, I was thinking I would come out of the closet whether I was gay or not. If I was him, that would be my move. I'd say, listen, you know what, it's a difficult environment being on a football team. There's a lot of ignorance, misunderstanding and I was nervous about it, so I made up this story. I think if that happened, he would be hailed as a hero and yeah, he'd have to live with guys for the rest of his life. But I think it's a small price to pay.

[C]

I think you're right.

[A]

First off, I always like these news stories because it is, well, we don't have any problems. News stories like we have as much food, as much clean water and we're safe as we need to be from a terrorist attack. Like when we consume ourselves for days on nothing. This guy's a high school college football player who made a girlfriend. Didn't affect you or I. It's not like oh fuck you just jeopardized my children's future because of this lie or anything like that. That means we have a society that really is out of problems and we're looking for ways to distract ourselves. Like when you're, you know, like you ever have to spend any real time at a place like the, you know, at Firestone Tire and you find yourself looking at a magazine called like Snow Tires and such and you go nonsense. And then 20 minutes later you're reading it feverishly like you clip where the.

[C]

Article jumps and the page isn't there and you're like God damn you guys.

[A]

And you're like, because you have nothing, there's just nothing. And you will do something in this vacuum of nothing. And so obviously we don't have much going on. I mean there's no big wars and there's no cholera and things like that.

[B]

Well, it's also big because the media outlets that didn't report that story enjoy reporting cuz they could rub it into the ones that did do that heartwarming, you know, story about the football player and the media outlets that did report the story. Story want to kind of make it his fault instead of theirs.

[A]

Right? Oh, that's a good point.

[C]

The thing is, there are all these, like, Malcolm Gladwell is one of them who just want to talk about what this means and the overtones and why it has captivated us. And they claim, or he claims not to care about whether Manti Teo was involved or not. And, like, I am, singularly, I'm obsessed with just how much did he know? At what point did he know? Was he a victim? Was he part of it? That's all I can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, my feeling is, if he was gay and he took a shining to you, there's nothing you could do about it. That's the way I think. He could make you gay, too, pretty easily, pretty quickly.

[B]

And lying to a father. Keep in mind, this is a man who named his son Manti.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I mean, there's gotta be something going on there, too, right?

[A]

Yeah, man, Ty never thought about that. Sounds like a wrestling mode.

[C]

ESM kind of thing.

[A]

Very homoerotic.

[C]

Yeah. Which kind of ties do you want, the zip or the man tie?

[B]

Yeah, man tie.

[C]

There's a library in Australia that is.

[B]

No, there isn't.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

I've been to Australia, so no libraries there.

[C]

Did you go to Manly, Australia?

[B]

Truly, I did, yes. I went to Manly.

[C]

You didn't find the library?

[B]

No, I did not see a library, so I was dubious about the city.

[C]

Well, it's a suburb of Sydney.

[B]

Okay. Yes, I've been there.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, well, there is. Library. Library.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[C]

And they are moving all their Lance Armstrong books to the fiction section.

[B]

Oh, that's funny.

[C]

See, there's a sign.

[A]

But obviously, ironically, they're trying to get some ink.

[C]

Yeah, well, it worked.

[A]

Right? So we're talking about.

[B]

I wonder if in Australia the library is populated only by homeless people surfing the Internet.

[C]

That's what it's populated by here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or if that's specific to the United States. But it might be that there, too.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. They don't seem like huge readers to me.

[C]

And are they huge Lance Armstrong fans?

[A]

I don't. You know, I know everyone hates Lance Armstrong and everyone thinks he's a bully and all that kind of stuff, but I never. Cycling is not, like, almost not a sport. It really isn't. And no one gave a shit. And now we give a shit. And at least we're talking about it. I Mean, at least there might be some kid who wants to be a cyclist now, because it never leaves the news. Whereas when I was growing up, there was no such thing as a Tour de France was some kind of weird bazaar. I thought they had baguettes in their baskets and rode around with berets on. I didn't know what doing their little bell sound and stuff. I had never even heard of it. And now at least we're talking about it. And as far as the Australian library goes, I think. I think they're trying. This is a publicity move, but if you have a library, what do you want publicity for? Like, my whole thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

If I was a librarian, every time someone walked in, be like, sorry, we're closed. Or I'd just make up shit like, we're buffing.

[B]

Really?

[A]

We're buffing the floor. So.

[C]

But you'd whisper it.

[A]

Yeah, I'd whisper it.

[C]

And then you did a really loud sh.

[A]

Yeah. Cause what do you want? People coming in and fucking around with.

[B]

The newspaper, messing things up.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Yeah. You had a good thing pulling cards out of your card catalog.

[B]

Oh, the Dewey justice.

[C]

Yeah, I don't fuck with Dewey. Here's the thing, though. Lance Armstrong's mea culpa struck me, and I think most people who saw it as so insincere, and I'm thinking if. I'm trying to remember if I've ever seen a televised apology or something that's televised, where someone's admitting something, where they actually seemed remorseful.

[A]

Well, there's a couple of things. If you're going to. To sit on the Same seat times 113 mile leg of a bike race, you have to sit and pedal and let your brain go free of all thoughts for like seven, eight hours at a time. You're more robot than you are human being. I mean, he is more drago than he is Rocky. You know what I mean? In terms of like, his personality. He probably doesn't have a ton of personality because you can't see, like, Jimmy when you exercise, when you're working. No, but you get about seven minutes in your workout and go, fuck, I'm going out of my mind.

[B]

Not even.

[A]

Like, I see those women fucking running on a treadmill for like an hour and 20 minutes. Like, what are you doing? I'm going insane. Like, I gotta be doing something at this point.

[B]

I stare at the timer and then I'll fiddle with and see how many calories, how many, how far I've gone.

[A]

Right, Right. So. And Jimmy you even. Jimmy even has that super crazy workout machine that says the four minute workout machine.

[B]

I can't carve that four minutes out of there.

[A]

Even four minutes is too lofty a goal for him and his abs. I mean, so if somebody said, sit on this stationary bike, you know, when it's in Colorado and it's snowing outside, and just ride the bejesus out of it for seven hours. Hours, you would go insane. If you had a personality and if you were wired. And I do believe it's much harder for guys like Jimmy, whose mind is sort of turned on all the time, to do super repetitive motions.

[C]

Are you equating personality with conscience? Like, do you think he's a sociopath?

[A]

A little of that meets. I don't know how to express myself because I'm capable of killing myself on this bicycle for seven hours at a time, and thus I've lost. Now, you take the heavyset woman of color. Not so good on the stationary bike.

[C]

But great with articulation.

[A]

Take me. God. Tears flying out. You know what I mean? Sweet Jesus.

[B]

Do you think also there's some part of him that just wants to say, guess what? Everyone else was using those performance enhancing drugs all.

[C]

Yeah, like, why are we going through this charade of pretending we care that.

[B]

Everyone else was clean and I beat them because he beat them and they were all also using that particular drug. Yeah, he just did it better.

[A]

Yeah, I completely concur.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, last story.

[C]

Well, this is pretty big news, you guys. Hooters is getting a redesign.

[B]

I think that's a mistake.

[A]

They're getting a boob job. I'll take bigger news. Tunein radio, baby. 70,000 stations.

[B]

That's too many, isn't it?

[A]

I could listen to. I could probably listen to, like 63,000 in a day. So, yeah, it's probably a little much, but they're rounding up traditional radio stations, Internet only stations, over 2 million on demand programs, including ours. Really?

[B]

All right.

[A]

You got to cut through the clutter to get to us, baby. Tunein lets you listen to the world, by the way. You're curious what's going on in Paris right now. Maybe there's some Tour de France talk going on over there. London, Brazil, there's more cities, too. I just can't think of any available on every smartphone, tablet [e-mail], that's tunein.com. you can find a station you like and lean back and enjoy. And it's also all free. Just download the free app and start [e-mail]. i'm sorry. Hooters.

[C]

Hooters. Yeah. I think we have some photos of the design. Yeah. They're changing the look now. I have never been to Hooters, so I can't comment. I haven't really. I've hardly lived. Yeah, I haven't.

[B]

Doesn't it look the same? Except there are no stools in the other picture. So.

[C]

Yeah. And you can go to AdamKrolo.com to see these photos. On the left is the old Hooters, I guess, which has a surfboard. And on the right is the new Hooters, which doesn't. And also there's a lot more wood paneling. It's a little more sleek, and it's got that sort of exposed stuff on the ceiling. Chipotle Inspired.

[A]

The old one looked like if Jimmy Buffett was a plumber and he had a van.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That's what it would look like. I always feel like the surfboard is a sort of cop out for a bar.

[C]

Me too.

[A]

Isn't that.

[C]

It doesn't scream owls or brats.

[A]

Yeah. The surfboard is just. No one's got a beef with a surfboard. No one can complain about a surfboard. It takes up a lot of room.

[C]

What does it signify? Just beers and kicking back.

[A]

Yeah. It's like hanging loose. Yeah. And it's one of those things that everyone sort of wishes they could do, or whoever does it is automatically cool. Like, it's the surfboard. It's as far as you can get from a swastika, which when I open a bar, I gonna shake up the bar world with. But it's as far away from that as you get. It's the. You know what I mean, Hang back shorts.

[C]

When I was a kid growing up in Orange county, my dream when I was 16 was to have a white cabriolet with a surfer boyfriend and his surfboard sticking out the back. Can you think of anything that's less me than any of that?

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

There's still time. There's still time.

[A]

I remember when I. When we started cable, Bean used to drive a red cabriolet. Yeah.

[B]

Six foot, seven, vw.

[C]

It's a manly vehicle.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, there's a picture of us at Hooters. Yeah. At Hooters. Yeah.

[C]

Who's between you guys?

[A]

Kevin and Bean. That's Kevin and Bean and the Hooters girls. And Jimmy. And I'm wearing a high society shirt. Yeah.

[B]

Classy.

[C]

Their boobs are upstaged by their perms.

[B]

Why were we there? I Don't know what was going on there.

[A]

We were either doing a calendar signing. Remember we do the calendar signings. Yeah.

[B]

At a Hooters though.

[A]

Or we're doing a Christmas one of those Christmas cassettes. By the way, Christmas time. And the LBC came on my. On Christmas day I just hit my ipod, like all through the house, you know, which by the way, I always have the speakers outside turned up too loud and I forget that the outside ones are pumped up too loud. Loud. Yeah, that can be bad. Yeah. My placard says, burch, see if we can find Christmas time in the lbc. It always cracks me up. Jimmy is doing Snoop.

[B]

This is when Snoop Dogg first kind of came out, hit the scene. And I used to imitate him by only saying. Know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? But I think we can play some. But what was the one where you were talking? What was the Christmas one? It always made me laugh when you're talking about chestnuts roasting on the open fire, jack off, nipping at your nose.

[B]

Oh, that was Karl Malone.

[A]

Yeah. Jimmy, do you only do black people?

[B]

I prefer them. Yes, it's me, the dog with some.

[A]

Shit about the baby.

[B]

Double G O D. Back in the day in the Bentley hood, that shit was all good. You know, this family was holy moly. The Virgin Mary was rolling polish.

[A]

Bringing.

[B]

Gifts and shit for baby poo in the hay. The evil king was on they ass. They packed they and got the out fast. Yes. Little tables. Okay, so now my homie died. Dr. Dre and me, we celebrate that day.

[A]

That's Kito, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's Cleo.

[A]

I was laughing my ass off in my underpants on Christmas day.

[B]

My kids, it's just great for the children to hear. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. I told you that. Santa, bring a pic for my afro. And here's the rest of my Christmas list. I want a black holy night.

[A]

It's a good song and it was produced like. Like cutting tape and stuff, right? Yeah, we got to hear the whole thing. I'm sorry.

[B]

Christmas time in the lbc. It's sweet like a candy cat. Snoop Dogg hanging low. Ho ho ho. Get on your knees now I'm. I show you where this go.

[A]

Oh, my kids love this stuff.

[B]

And then we dress up nice and go to midnight ma. Christmas time.

[A]

All right, you get the picture. I love this song. You know it is. It's funny. Cuz some of the stuff, some of the stuff you did in the past. I don't know if you're like me, but there's stuff I've done in the past where I just kind of brush off, like, some, like. Like a hairdo. Not me. My hair's kind of been the same. But that embarrassing picture of you, this.

[C]

Beard thing in 89.

[A]

This could be something I could look back on and be embarrassed by. Right. Thank you. Fired. Point is, you look back and you go, and this work, like, comedically. You don't want to hear the shit you're coming up with when you're 19 because brother's not good. But this is really fucking funny.

[B]

That one holds up.

[A]

Yeah, that one holds up nicely.

[B]

Well, it's a Christmas classic.

[A]

It's a classic. All right, let's bring it home.

[C]

Allison Rosenz. I'm Allison Rosenz. IP address.

[A]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitz dog coming in here. Dana Gould. Oh, boy. We gotta talk. Huell Hauser with him. He's gonna be destroyed. Yeah.

[B]

I'm so sorry, by the way, when they express my condolences in person.

[A]

Yeah, I know. It's very sad. Also, Gilbert Godfrey coming in on our thousandth show.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Right? Dag. Harlan Williams let Play. Play, Brian. Play. Dag having sex.

[B]

What are the odds? You guys have counted these shows correctly.

[A]

There's no way. We're probably in the 600 somewhere.

[B]

Or it could be, like, 1018.

[A]

Dag. This is what Dag sounds like having sex. Yeah, here it is. Yeah, here it is. Go. Look at me. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Oh. Oh, shit. I love the oh, shit.

[C]

I have a little bit of breaking news.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. The Baltimore Ravens have defeated the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship.

[A]

Is this gonna be breaking news? Tomorrow?

[C]

Feature. The San Francisco 49ers versus the Baltimore Ravens on February 3rd. You know, I scroll sports news, so.

[B]

It'S important to me this shows how busy Adam is that we actually recorded this during the 4th.

[A]

I am going to be pulverized. I probably should not talk about the fact that I took the Pats to win the Super Bowl. Now fucking Christoph Waltz got to come through for me. If he doesn't fucking come through with that Oscar, I'm going to owe cousin Sal a couple hundred bucks. But I will get. I will get legitimate shit, I think, from Kevin Hench and Bill Simmons for taking jinxing there.

[B]

Oh, absolutely. There's no question about it.

[A]

Jimmy, tell me if there's hyperbole involved with the retelling of this story, but I was here when you called two years ago, maybe to the day, or maybe it was one year ago today, and you said, who you like in the Super Bowl? Who you betting on? And I said, I'm not betting anymore because I lose. All I do is lose, and I just can't do it anymore. And he said, no, no, you're betting. I said, I don't bet. I'm not. I lose. All I do is lose. And he said, you got to pick a team. And I said, I don't want to pick. And then I heard cousin Sal, who was being three way, said, pick a team. And I said, okay, I'll take the Patriots. And then Jimmy said, all right, I'll take the Giants. And we hung up the phone. So don't be. I would not be surprised if Hanch and or Simmons are. Oh, they're gonna.

[B]

No question about this is entirely your fault. And good for them.

[A]

It's just good science. All right, Allison Rosen is your new best friend. New episode available on itunes and our app. This week's guest, Harris Whittles. Did I get that right?

[C]

Yes, you did.

[A]

Yeah. And you can check out more information. Allisonrosen.com I'm going to be in Detroit while Jimmy's getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, so sad. I'm going to be in Detroit for that, but come on out and see me. Royal Oak Theater. I think we're sold out in Boston and a couple tickets left in Detroit, so. So you don't want to miss that. Yes. You're gonna have a lot of explaining to do in Boston. Those Patriots fans. Oh, bad timing.

[B]

Suddenly we're not sold out anymore.

[A]

Horrible. Horrible. All right, I'll tell you what I'm gonna have to do. I'm gonna have to consult my good friends over at LegalZoom. That's what I'm gonna have to do. LegalZoom.com, i'm gonna have to get that will or living trust going in case I'm beaten by some of those drunken townies over there. Incorporate your business, get yourself an llc. Start one, whatever you like. If you have a business, you have a family, you want to protect it. LegalZoom.com it's where you go for all your legal needs. LegalZoom.com LegalZoom is not a law firm. You can get self help services at your specific direction or you can speak to a legal plan attorney to get your questions answered and get ongoing advice before another year passes. Cross a couple things off your New Year's left, Checklist [e-mail] and save money while doing it. Enter Adam in the refreshment box at checkout for even more [e-mail] all right, Jimmy Kimmel live crushing it in the ratings week nights 1135 ABC. I don't know why I'm reading that. I know all that information. And if you want to keep some wind in the sails of the pirate ship, you just click through the Adam Carolla banner. You go to AdamCorola.com and hit the Adam Corolla app and go to Amazon and click on through and keep the party going, people. 1,000 episodes coming up and all.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Wow. So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Jimmy Kimmel, Allison Rosen and Paul Brian Saiyan. Mahalo. I want to shove my dick through the mail slot and have someone start sucking on it.

[B]

All right, this is adam Grohl show 996. While there was an 800 episode gap in between those, Jimmy did have some contributions throughout that time to the podcast. Some appearances, some phoners, some off air stuff. And there's also some clips we haven't played. There's Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Perry Lang and Jimmy Pardo doing an outdoor barbecue at Jimmy's house. At Kimmel's house.

[A]

That's more of a video type element.

[B]

Doesn't really play as well over audio, so I chose not to play it. But if you ever want to find that episode, that's available too. And until tomorrow, mahalo and get it on.