Jimmy Kimmel + Carson Daly (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Carolla Classics – Jimmy Kimmel + Carson Daly

Date: September 19, 2025
Podcast Network: PodcastOne / Carolla Digital
Host: Adam Carolla with Donnie, Mike August, and guests
Highlight Guests: Jimmy Kimmel, Carson Daly
Episode Format: Retrospective compilation, focusing on classic moments and key guest segments

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode is a celebratory compilation highlighting Adam Carolla’s long-standing friendships and collaborations with Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. It’s structured as a walk down memory lane, featuring classic clips from early podcast appearances (primarily from 2009), behind-the-scenes stories, and the raw chemistry between Carolla, Kimmel, and Daly. Central themes include the unlikely rise of blue-collar guys in Hollywood, showbiz survival, nostalgia for old-school comedy/porn, and brutally honest takes on pop culture, parenting, and personal growth.

Fans get a unique look at how Carolla and Kimmel’s comedic partnership developed, why their friendship endures, and how figures like Carson Daly drifted into radio/TV fame. The tone is unfiltered, improvisational, fast-moving, and laced with Carolla’s signature rants, running gags, and observational humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origin Story: Carolla & Kimmel's Path to Showbiz

[00:46–05:30]

• Host Giovanni sets up a mini ‘oral history’ about Carolla and Kimmel: both had blue-collar beginnings; Carolla in construction, with years in improv comedy, and Kimmel as “Jimmy the Sports Guy” on LA’s Kevin & Bean radio show.
• Their first real meeting was over a radio boxing stunt where Carolla (hoping to break into broadcasting) volunteered as a trainer. The two connected immediately.
• Key Insight: Their rise involved a mix of hustle, timing, and relentless self-deprecation.

“Eventually, Jimmy saw how funny Adam was and wanted to help him get on air and do something… They became a huge hit. Dr. Drew heard those bits... and that's how Loveline happened.” — Giovanni [00:45–05:00]

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2. Carolla & Kimmel Banter: Unfiltered Friendship

[05:30–61:00]

Life at the Carolla House

• Jimmy Kimmel and Adam share absurd stories about gift exchanges (animatronic pony scares), child-rearing, and ridiculous punishments.

“If my kids went, 'I came home from school and the animatronic pony Jimmy Kimmel gave us was making love to my mom,’ I feel like everyone’d have to go, you know what? That’s nowhere near as bad as being called 'Briefcase Joe.'” — Adam Carolla [08:17]

Children’s Literature Roast

• They mercilessly lampoon “Where the Wild Things Are,” poking fun at clunky prose, weak themes, and children's book logic.
• Noteworthy comedic riffing on Dr. Seuss and simplistic subject matter.

"That's a page, right?" — Donnie reading the famously sparse text.
"It's kind of creepy. So far, it sucks, right?" — Adam Carolla [09:55–10:55]

Parenting, Privilege, & Overcompensation

• Adam’s mega-garage obsession and childhood lack of resources: “Life just turns into this. You have something you want to do when you're young, don't get to do it, then you spend the rest of your life overcompensating.” [41:08]

• Honest talk about raising privileged kids and fearing they'll be “ruined.”

• Running joke: Adam’s Batman-like garage is overkill and possibly hiding criminal activity.

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3. Nostalgia for Early Porn, Comedy, and Strip Clubs

[16:42–31:35]

• Riffing on how old porn was more appealing (more “civilian” and real), contrasting “retro” porn with present-day, extreme, “X Games”-fueled productions.

"I want to roll it back. I want a simpler time. I want civilian porn. I want no tats. No fake boobies..." — Adam Carolla [31:19]

• Creatively (and hilariously) speculate on opening a strip club with “normal” women in regular clothes as a more exciting fantasy.

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4. Growing Up, Bizarre Jobs, & Ralphing on Stage

[32:56–63:37]

• Tales of odd jobs (e.g., Carolla’s friend overseeing a Pussycat Theater, Daly’s first radio gigs) and the absurdity of finding community in odd places—like the old porn theaters.

• Nostalgia for pre-internet resourcefulness: “Our minds were our DVRs back then.” [36:39]

• Extended riff on animal mishaps onstage, leading to long Seigfried & Roy/Siegfried and Roy being gay gags, and a priceless description of elephants urinating on Japanese businessmen. “People were diving under tables. I mean, it was really like a Japanese horror monster film.” — Donnie [63:26]

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5. Jimmy Kimmel Drop-Ins – Radio Days & Handcrafted Vomit

[101:17–188:09] (Clips from Adam Carolla Show episodes 106 & 107, 2009)

• Kimmel provides ‘inside baseball’ on TV/late-night mechanics: late night as “restaurant world”—if you stay open, you’re winning.
• Ratings demo talk: “After 49 [years old], you don’t exist to advertisers.” [103:30]
• Anecdotes on DIY sound effects: Kimmel is proud of his in-studio “vomit sound,” crafted with buckets and water.

"I made that vomit sound effect in the studio. I got two garbage pails, filled them with water... It really was a horrible sounding and very graphic sounding vomit sound effect." — Jimmy Kimmel [82:57]

• Discussion on how little production tech in radio had changed for 85 years, then went digital overnight.

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6. Carson Daly’s Comedy of Errors Origin Story

[67:19–99:30]

• Daly explains his accidental entry into entertainment, failed aspirations as a pro golfer ("I made a nine on a par five. And that was that.” [70:44]), and serendipitous friendship with Jimmy Kimmel (their first meeting: a Catholic priest-hosted mass on a Maui beach when Carson was 12, Jimmy 17).
• Insight into radio’s old-school grind and the necessity of “air check tapes,” making vomit sound effects, and sending tapes written in crayon as a prank.

“That's the only thing I've done on my own. I would...make radio, as you well know.” — Carson Daly [77:30]
“If you could learn to edit this tape by splicing it together, you will be very helpful around here.” — Jimmy Kimmel [79:45]

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7. Pranks, Pizza Ovens, & Citizen of the Month

[123:26–139:43]

• Classic Jimmy Kimmel prank: fakes an official “Citizen of the Month” letter to friend Mike August, complete with a voicemail and setup at Burbank City Hall, only for August to attempt to double-cross Kimmel via the police.
• Extended riff on pizza oven one-upmanship and which LA pizza is best.
• Playful ribbing over Adam’s “man show” chair, ostentatious garage, and “burnt orange Lexus.”

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8. Call-In Questions, Stand-Up Advice, & The Importance of Preparation

[151:47–179:27]

• Fans Skype in: best advice for aspiring young standups—Carolla and Kimmel stress “hunger,” stage time, and not getting a girlfriend too soon (lose the “eye of the tiger”).
• Panel notes why some comics stay sharp (Steve Martin, Will Ferrell) while others rest on old material (Jeff Altman).
• Both joke about the lack of preparation in showbiz/real life (“I used to love watching People's Court...you didn’t know that you were attending court this morning?” — Adam Carolla [177:52]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Carolla on parenting/privilege:
  "Life basically just turns into this. You have something you'd like to do when you're young, you don't get a chance to do it, and then you spend the rest of your life overcompensating.” [41:08]

• Mocking ‘Where the Wild Things Are’:
  “So far, no lessons learned, nothing interesting, and nothing even rhymes.” — Adam Carolla [11:44]

• Jimmy on the late night game:
  "I'm number one now." — Jimmy Kimmel [102:39]

• On aging TV audience:
  "After 49 you don't exist to the world of advertising." — Donnie [103:30]

• Kimmel’s pride in his DIY work:
  "The thing I was most protective of was my vomit sound effect." — Jimmy Kimmel [82:52]

• Carolla on porn's 'evolution':
  "I want to roll it back. I want a simpler time. I want civilian porn. I want no tats. I want no fake boobies." [31:19]

• On the thrill of a great prank:
  "If Mike was really being presented with the Citizen of the Month award in Burbank, there's no way I would miss it." — Jimmy Kimmel [132:28]

• Advice for new comics:
  "Try it out and see if you like it…If you've got a girlfriend already, there's not nearly as much a reason as for you to go to all the crappy little clubs in town." — Donnie [162:07]

• On the cocktail of hardship and creative hunger:
  "The genesis of comedy is loneliness and misery...when you're nailing everything, you're happy. And when you're happy, you don't think, I gotta write a joke about getting laid too much." — Adam Carolla [164:21]

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Highlighted Segments with Timestamps

• 0:45–5:30 — Origins: How Adam met Jimmy/Kevin & Bean/Loveline backstory
• 5:30–15:42 — Carolla & Kimmel roast children's books, adulting, and upbringing
• 16:42–31:35 — “Retro” porn and strip club fantasies
• 32:56–63:37 — Tales from the old porn theaters, Siegfried & Roy, animal mishaps
• 67:19–99:30 — Carson Daly's accidental entry into radio and Kimmel’s mentorship
• 101:17–188:09 — Kimmel’s showbiz insights, radio pranks, Citizen of the Month scheme
• 151:47–179:27 — Call-in standup questions, showbiz preparation, and comic hunger

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is a window into the authentic, loose, and anarchic chemistry between Adam Carolla and his close circle. It’s packed with playful mockery, “inside baseball” on showbiz and radio, candid admissions about failure and insecurity, and a celebration of the absurdity of the entertainment business. Beneath the relentless riffing, there are sharp observations about creativity, ambition, and how true friendships form the backbone of any successful career.

Fans and first-timers alike will laugh, cringe, and come away with a sense of how much serendipity and self-sabotaging honesty have propelled Carolla, Kimmel, and Daly from the fringes of LA down into podcasting legend.

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Episode Closing:
[188:26] – Giovanni wraps with a tease of more Kimmel content in upcoming episodes and Carolla's signature “Mahalo. And get it on.”

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

A Mochi moment from Tara who writes for years all my doctor said was eat less and move more. Which never worked. But you know what does? The simple eating tips from my nutritionist at Mochi. And after losing over 30 pounds, I can say you're not just another GLP1 source, you're a life source. Thanks Tara. I'm Mayra Amit, Founder of Mochi Health. To find your mochi moment, visit joinmochi.com Tara is a mochi member, compensated for her story Foreign.

[Narrator/Host]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. Check out podcast One plus for exclusive access to the Corolla Classics feed that features all the episodes of this entire show ad free. And if you like ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you'd like to get access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] now onto the clips. In light of the recent news and the video of Adam explaining his history and connection to Jimmy Kimmel, it struck me that a lot of people who listen to the show now might not be that aware of Adam and Jimmy's history. Yeah, of course, you know, they did the man show together, but they may not know how it all kind of ties together. So they thought I'd play some of his earliest clips on the podcast this weekend to refresh everybody on Adam and Jimmy's connection and the simplest way to explain it. While doing blue collar work in construction, Adam Caroll had nearly a decade in improv comedy and wanted to get into the comedy world some fashion professionally. One of his improv buddies told him he just needs some sort of format or venue where he can just talk at people as opposed to having perform live or do other venues of improv comedy. He was a listener to Kevin and Bean. He heard about some kerfuffle involving Michael the maintenance man and Jimmy Kimmel, who was Jimmy the sports guy. He had a little bit of an affected accent. He's playing a character on the show and he said something that Michael found offensive and they were gonna have a boxing match as like a radio stunt and Adam Carollo was like, oh, this is my opportunity to get in, possibly get on air, just see if something happens. And he actually Wanted to train Michael, the maintenance man. So he showed up at the radio station. It was right after Kurt Cobain's death, so everything was kind of chaos. And he couldn't get in past the security doors to meet anybody. So he waited all day. And then at the very end, after he finally told someone he was out there, Jimmy Kimmel came out. He met him. He agreed to train Jimmy. We actually have audio of that that aired as, like, a Kevin and Bean archive that Adam Carolla played on air. I'll play some of that at the end of this weekend. You'll be able to hear some of it because Adam covered it on the show. Adam Sandler did the announcing for the boxing fight. Blida and Reseda. Adam started hanging out with Jimmy. Eventually, Jimmy saw how funny Adam was and wanted to help him get on air and do something. So he came up with the character of Mr. Burcham, started doing those bits on Kevin and Bean. They became a huge hit. Dr. Drew heard those bits. They had Adam Carolla in character as Mr. Bertram on Loveline. Then a television deal came up, and Ricky Rackman was being difficult, and Drew wanted to do this deal with somebody. And he thought, who else could be added to the show that we could do a TV show with potentially? And he thought of the guy who played Mr. Bertram while he was on a run. Adam Carolla was even resistant to getting that job because he was on tour with Jimmy for a Kevin and Bean thing. They were out of state, and he didn't think he'd get back in time. He actually even suggested they audition Mark DiCarlo. And then when he actually showed up for his interview, he saw Mark DeCarlo there. So they actually took his advice. Adam and Jimmy then started working on a screenplay called Hot for Teacher with Ivan Reitman. Simultaneously, I believe, to them, pitching their idea for the man show, which originally was gonna be an ABC television pilot. Isn't that weird? It got pushed for the show Cupid with Jeremy Piven, which then, I think was brought back. And they tried to do Cupid again with the same creator but a different cast. And it also didn't seem to work. Man show eventually went to Comedy Central. They did 100 episodes, four seasons. They left of their own volition. Jimmy got his talk show, of course. 2003, Adam Kroll appeared on the talk show. People remember he was on many episodes, kind of as, like, Jimmy's comfort. Co host for several times, Adam used to carry a towel around his neck. He still does every time he appears on the show. He has over 50 appearances. So Adam's been a huge part of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy's been a huge part of Adam Carolla's radio career that led into podcasting. When the radio show started for Adam in 2006, after he left Loveline, Jimmy Kimmel was actually brought on as a consultant, producer, some people on staff. This is a little oral history for you were expecting Jimmy Kimmel to be there like every day, but that was never contractually agreed to and it was never actually even implied. It's just kind of a presumption. Despite him having a late night talk show for three years at that point and no ability to appear on a morning show at 6 in the morning, it didn't make sense. Although despite all that, he did heavily influence the show. And the 2006 Adam Croll Morning show was unlike any other era of the radio show or the podcast. They tried to actually emulate some of that stuff, but they really were trying to emulate more of the 2008 era of the radio show. 06 had like some stern elements, some whack pack type stuff, a lot of original stuff, and Jimmy was a huge part of that. He even guest hosted the show while Adam was busy with his wife and the kids were being delivered. Those are some classic episodes all around. Great dude. Integral to Adam Carolla's career and Adam Carolla's, you could say, is just as integral to his career. Very important duo. Still great friends to this day. Coming up first for the clips, we have Jimmy Kimmel's first appearance on the podcast back in 2009. This is Adam Carolla show, episode 21. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on, everybody. You know, the reason I'm sitting up here in my palatial estate, broadcasting from my expansive office and hammering a huge check courtesy of CBS each and every week is because of our guests. This evening, this afternoon, this morning, whenever you're listening to the show, Jimmy Kimmel has joined us. Great to see you, James.

[Donnie]

Don't blame me for this madness way. You have gone absolutely crazy. I've not been inside your house for. I don't know how long has it been since I've been in the house.

[Adam Carolla]

You haven't seen the super garage?

[Donnie]

I had not seen the super. I think it was like Christmas time I came. I actually snuck in your house while you weren't here. The door was open and I left a couple of animatronic ponies in your doorway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, that's right.

[Donnie]

For the. Which then terrified you when you came in the door later.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, these ponies. These ponies are. They're sort of life size for ponies. Yeah. And the kids can actually ride them and they respond to light or movement or whatever it is. And when I walked in the front door, one of them was sitting right in front of me. And I thought it was that monkey that attacked the lady. And I walked in the front door and this thing went and it scared the shit out of me.

[Donnie]

But just like the house is infested with ponies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, you could do worse. Yeah, I don't know that. I. I don't know that there's a no pest strip or an exterminator for that, but yeah, Jimmy got the life sized pony. I don't know where one of them. Well, actually one of them took off with the circus. Anything, really. Yes. The other was commandeered by a dwarf and he rode off into the sunset. That's the last we've seen of them. Oh, my God. I know. It was very generous.

[Donnie]

But you know what I did was.

[Adam Carolla]

Not seeing the super garage.

[Donnie]

You know, it'd be a fun thing to do with those ponies, which is something I did with a Tick Me Elmo. One of those robotic Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

[Adam Carolla]

Force them to mate. No, no.

[Donnie]

Well, that would be great. I stripped all the fur off a.

[Adam Carolla]

Tickle Me Elmo doll.

[Donnie]

And those things are scary enough as it is. They really look like a homeless person ranting and raving on the street corner. But if you strip the fur off of them, they're great looking because they're just a robot then. With big white eyes. And if you did that with the pony, I'm not suggesting you do that.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're saying it's like in the Terminator. At a certain point in Terminator, after he walked through the oil rig fire, whatever the diesel truck thing he turned into, he went from flesh and blood to just sort of robot.

[Donnie]

The elbow. The Elmonator. Yeah, And I'm just saying that if you want to punish the kids, that might be a good idea because they come in, they see that the pony has been skinned.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that that's a decent enough punishment, but if I could get one of them to have sex with my wife and have them walk in on that, I feel like that would be a more profound.

[Donnie]

The pony, not the kid. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just to expose the kid to that, just to give him something good to talk about in therapy. And by the way, you know, you always want that one Upsman thing. You know when you're sitting around and, like, your mom made you carry a briefcase to school when you were a kid called Briefcase Joe and made fun of, and then some guy next to you goes, yeah, well, my old man used to beat me with a car antenna. And you got to kind of give it up to him. Go. Well, I guess that wasn't as bad as the briefcase. But if my kids went, I came home from school in the animatronic pony that Jimmy Kimmel I had given us was making love to my. My mom, I feel like everyone have to go, you know what? That's not nowhere near as bad as.

[Donnie]

The briefcase or the car. That is a good topper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Donnie]

He would only be able to masturbate while, like, with a handful of batteries.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right. I. Speaking of kids brought this, and I didn't bring it. I had it in my house. It's a book that's very famous. Where the Wild Things Are. And we all remember it from our childhood, right? And I do remember this. And I do remember somebody reading this to me when I was a kid. And remember, I remember thinking, this is an awesome piece of literature as a young child. And then last night, my daughter brought it to me and said, can you read this to me? And I said, sure, I'll read it to you. And I started to read it, and I looked and I thought, I haven't seen this book since I was, you know, seven years old. And now I see that it's the recipient of the Golden Something medallion for best children's book of, like, 1969 or whatever it is.

[Donnie]

It's a classic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a classic. So I started to read it, and halfway into it, I got angry because I realized what a steaming piece of shit it is. And then I realized that most kids books are piles of shit. But I thought, jimmy, you're good at reading.

[Donnie]

And they're making a movie out of this.

[Adam Carolla]

We got nothing but time. Read. Now, don't get me wrong. The literature, or I should say the drawings. And the drawings are great. But just read the text and tell me if it doesn't seem like it was translated from some language you don't understand.

[Donnie]

Okay, I see what this is you're tricking me into. Then you're gonna memorize this and pretend you're reading to your child, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

You're pretend you know how to read. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It is bad when you're stumbling on a kid's book.

[Donnie]

Where the Wild Things Are. The Night Max wore His wolf suit and Made mischief of one kind and another. That's a whole page.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a page, right?

[Donnie]

His mother called him wild thing. And Max said, I'll eat you up. So he was sent to bed without eating anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's kind of creepy. So far. It sucks, right?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're four pages in.

[Donnie]

That very night, in Max's room, a.

[Adam Carolla]

Forest grew next page.

[Donnie]

And grew next page and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around. Now, this is kind of. I don't know, this is kind of cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks cool, but the text, I mean, the verb is just horrible, right?

[Donnie]

There's not much here.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing going on.

[Donnie]

And an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max. And he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are. And then you can see him in a boat with a wild thing and.

[Adam Carolla]

Lands on the island.

[Donnie]

And when he came to the place where the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, we get it. They're terrible. So far, no lessons learned, Nothing interesting and nothing even rhymes.

[Donnie]

Till Max said, be still and tame them with the magic trick of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once. And they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, horrible message like, hey, kids, if there's a Kodiak bear attacking you, you just give him the stink eye. That'll stop him.

[Donnie]

And made him the king of all wild things. And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus start. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So he dances around with the wild things.

[Donnie]

They look at the moon, they dance. There's several pages of dancing and hanging from trees and him riding them. No words, no words, no words. Now stop. Max said, and set the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max, the king of all wild things, was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around, from far away across the world, he smelled good things to eat. So he gave up being king of where the wild things are.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible riding, right?

[Donnie]

But the wild things cried, oh, please don't go.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll eat you up.

[Donnie]

We love you. So when Max said no, the wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws. But Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through day and a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Of this is just cut and pasted from the first part of the book, right? The gnashing of the teeth and the weeks.

[Donnie]

It's like a Britney Spears song or it's like a Shania Twain song. And into the night of his very own room, where he found his supper waiting for him. And it was still hot.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that is a piece of shit, is it not?

[Donnie]

You know what I mean? I'm strongly inclined to disagree with you, but I really can't disagree with you if, like, if you just printed this out on a piece of paper and.

[Adam Carolla]

Said, hey, here's my kids book, everybody.

[Donnie]

But here's the Saving Grace story and pictures by Maurice Sendak. So since he drew the pictures, too, I think he gets away with not much of a story. I mean, the story really is, the kid's a dick. Number one to his mother and to these monsters. I mean, this kid is a fearless dick, no doubt. He says to his mother, I like.

[Adam Carolla]

To hunt that little shit down and put his head on a stick. What is he, in his 40s now?

[Donnie]

He mouths off. He probably is. He mouths off, his mother sends him to bed. Then he goes to, you know, like a normal kid, he has a nightmare, which you're supposed to be scared of the monsters, but this kid isn't even scared of the monsters.

[Adam Carolla]

He stares him down.

[Donnie]

He tells him, go screw themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the monsters have a weird strategy, which is don't leave. And then he's like, I'm gonna leave. And they're like, but we love you. We're gonna eat you. Which is not a lot of incentive to stay on the monster island. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. Yeah. And then he comes back, and his food is waiting for him upstairs. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And his mother, not only did she make him dinner, she gave him a nice big piece of cake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

See that? You get dessert on the night you're punished.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you would think, you know, maybe a pudding pot, but not a slab of cake. Not on the night you're punished.

[Donnie]

This is bad parenting under parenting, certainly, but bad parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's most of all horrible writing. It's horrifically bad writing. And that's my point. Everything for kids sucks. Everything for kids is done by people who like to do things for adults, but they're not good enough, so they have to do it for kids.

[Donnie]

My cousin Mickey recently read with that Lora the Lorax. I'm not sure what the actual title of the Dr. Seuss book is, but my cousin Mickey read it, and she was. Well, Mickey's puzzled a lot, but was especially puzzled by what she deemed nonsense as she was reading it to our cousin Archie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is that the one with the sneetches and the whatevers? But yeah. I mean, even Dr. Seuss, the greatest of all children's book writers, still was sort of a hack. I mean, the illustrations were cool, but would you.

[Donnie]

He didn't do them though. Did he do the illustrations?

[Adam Carolla]

If he didn't do the illustrations, I'm going to dig him up and put an M80 in his ass at least, because I will be pissed.

[Donnie]

At least he rhymed and he didn't use the word terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he rhymed a lot. A Sullivan book. Like, he was like, would you eat green eggs and ham in a box with a fox? How about on a train or on a plane? I mean, it's the kind of stuff that you or one of your writers could shit out in 10 minutes.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but you're talking about a group of geniuses, though, when you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true.

[Donnie]

And by the way, when you said a Sullivan book, I went like, I don't know that author. And then I thought, oh, Adam's talking. Adam doesn't read. Must be some sort of manual book for something.

[Adam Carolla]

Sullivan books. When I was like trying to learn to read. When I was like in the seventh grade. No, I was probably in like the fifth or sixth grade. Sullivan books. Look up Sullivan books. Sullivan Learning center commercials on tv. No, that's Silvan. If you'd read a Sullivan book, you would've. I don't read too much. Look it up, Donnie. Because it'd be like the tan pan. When man ran with a tan pan. Yeah, they are making a move. Where the Wild Things Are directed by Spike Jonas.

[Donnie]

Yeah, yeah, I mentioned that. Donnie, really, you should smoke a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Less pot, maybe, or more. And just make it fun for everyone. Like Ignatowski. You're right in between. Here's the whole thing. Whether it be the pot or the booze or whatever it is, just enough to make you not pay attention is no fun for us. It's either don't smoke the weed and track. Follow the conversation or smoke weed, copious amounts of weed, and let us make fun of you while you're in the room.

[Donnie]

I apologize.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right in between.

[Donnie]

Now we're in a relatively small room.

[Adam Carolla]

I did go to bed at 4:00 this morning.

[Donnie]

Oh, you did?

[Adam Carolla]

And woke up at 7. All right, all right. Still unacceptable. It's still unacceptable. And by the way, the wheeze is working on Snoop Dogg show right now. So maybe it's all just secondhand. It could be secondhand, Buzz. But yes. See if you can find that.

[Donnie]

Hey, you know what I noticed this morning? And I think you'll appreciate this. I was. When I was in the shower, my penis is tanner than the rest of my body.

[Adam Carolla]

I've noticed that from watching a lot of porn.

[Donnie]

And do you have that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[Narrator/Host]

You don't?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I don't have that. But I do notice it a lot in porn, because if you stumble onto porn, like if you're going through the Playboy channel and you get mid cock and you go, wow, that black dude's really banging the bejesus out of that white chick. And then they pull back and it's just a dude that looks like you, but somehow his dick is four shades dark. That's a good thing, though.

[Donnie]

That's how mine is. And I'll tell you something, it's weird because the first time I really noticed it, I felt like it had run off to Hawaii on vacation or something. Like, where have you been? Why are you so tan and I'm so white? But it doesn't make any sense at all because you never get any sun on that part of your body. Why would nature cause pigmentation there? To protect it. It doesn't make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't understand it. But it happens all the time and it's great. Yeah, it's like your cock was on vacation without. And one was wearing a little lei.

[Donnie]

Of flowers the other morning and smelled of macadamia nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if he got laid while he was in Hawaii. So. Yes, that happens a lot. The other thing that happens is that weird brown ring a lot of guys get on their circumcision. You ever see that again? This is all based on watching tons of porn.

[Donnie]

Where would it be?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be just beneath the head, but not quite.

[Donnie]

Hold on, I'm gonna look at mine real quick. Let me cover it with where the Wild Things Are. It would be apologize to the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Be about the 7/8 mark.

[Donnie]

Yeah, all right. No, I don't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have that ring. But don't you. Don't you watch enough porn to see that ring? You know what I'm talking about.

[Donnie]

I know, and I hate to say this to you because I know this is gonna upset you, but I don't watch a whole lot of porn.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Donnie]

Sorry, I've been not wanting. I didn't want to tell you this.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

Certainly didn't want to tell you here on the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. The room is spinning. Just let me get my. Let me get my bearings here for a second.

[Donnie]

Oh, wait a minute. Is porn that thing where people are fucking each other?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have.

[Donnie]

I do watch.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen a lot of tan dicks in porn. And I've seen a lot of the black weird ring like a toilet in a truck stop. You know what I mean? It's weird black ring around the middle of it. Don, Donnie, do you know about the black ring on the dick thing I'm talking about? He hasn't been listening. No. You never seen. You watch tons of porn. Don't tell me you don't watch tons of porn because every time I show up at my warehouse, my computer's filled with you porn stuff that you forgot to take off. I'm just kind of in the moment when I'm doing that thing, you know, I'm like breaking it down. You don't break it down.

[Donnie]

At least he's not paying attention to that either.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an interesting. I'd like to do a survey because, you know, it's funny how guys watch porn and how different, differently guys watch porn. Which is to say there's some guys that don't watch the whole porn, right? Most guys I found don't watch the whole porn.

[Donnie]

When I'm done, I'm done. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But my feeling is, is I don't want to put in a DVD and then find out that there's some hot chick I went to high school with who's in the last scene that I'm missing out on. Do you know what I mean?

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I beat off like it's my last time every time. That's how it's. That's how I approach life.

[Donnie]

110P.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's. That's right. 110%. No, what. What I'm saying is, is there's a lot of guys who also then picture themselves in the porn. Like, do you do that? Do you go, that's my dick.

[Donnie]

My self esteem is not good enough for that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that girl would never.

[Donnie]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know that I would have. None of my powers would work on a woman like those we see in porn.

[Adam Carolla]

So you watch, Donnie, when you're watching a porn, are you in the porn porn? No, and I don't mean that in a weird sort of peyote way. I just mean are you humping the chick or you just watching people hump? No, I'm just watching people. Oh, okay.

[Donnie]

I will say something. One time I was. There are certain kinds of things I do like to watch and I like to. Yeah, I can't get around the fact that they're faking, that they're acting. I can't get around it. You know, it's just like I don't get into it because of that. But I was on some website and this was a long time ago. This is at the dawn of Internet porn, I think. But I was on a website where this is probably five years ago where there were girls on it. Like it was not hardcore porn. It was like you went in their apartments and they were just kind of like normal and then they talked to the camera and then they wind up like just taking off their clothes and like they wind up getting naked. But there was an extensive interview. I know this might not be for you, but for me I was watching. So I'm watching. This girl's kind of good looking, you know, she's like, I'm sticking with it, you know, I'm staying with it. And then they start talking about what TV shows she likes and she's like, I really love Jimmy Kimmel. And my penis almost burst through the window of the fucking. It almost busted my computer monitor. It was like, holy shit. I mean, at first I was alarmed, like they knew I was watching, you know, but then I real. I ruled that out and. But it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Was crazy.

[Donnie]

And for some reason I didn't like save it. And I think I wanted to tell you about at the time, but I was kind of ashamed. I don't know why I would be ashamed of watching.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be the proudest moment of my life.

[Donnie]

But it was, it was very, very exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

And you, by the way, you beat off with Coppertone. I'm trying to put together, I'm trying to think of ways.

[Donnie]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that is exciting because there is a whole new brand of porn where it's the sort of man on the street porn where the guy has the camera and he's like, let's go into this candle shop and see if we can get some action. And then the guy walks into the candle shop. I don't like that hot 21 year old chick behind the counter. He's like, how about you suck my cock? And we film it. She's like, I don't know. I don't think so. I don't, I don't know hard.

[Donnie]

Cut to them completely naked. She's got both her ears in her hands.

[Adam Carolla]

And the problem is, you know, I'll go along with you on the weird sort of civilian stuff, but don't go into a dog grooming place or a candle shop or Cinnabon. Yeah. Maybe a strip club. Maybe a cocktail bar where you get some chick who's had a couple of jealous shots and you get her to do it. The thing about porn is porn sets the bar too high and then it can't reach it. It has super lofty goals. It's like, oh, we're going to shoot a period piece and it's going to be Cleopatra and blah blah, blah. And then all the chicks have tramp stamps and fake boobs and it just doesn't. They don't have the budget, you know, they have the cardboard set and everything and it just, it doesn't work right. You know, they can't. They have a Viking ship that's a piece of plywood with an oar sticking through a hole. It doesn't work. Just keep it simple and you can achieve it. You know what I'm saying?

[Donnie]

Remember the thing we were very excited about, about it one time is opening a strip club, which, you know, I was out to do. We obviously really do. But opening a strip club where the girls don't wear the, like the sexy lingerie that they wear in the strip clubs or the bikinis or whatever, they wear regular clothes. They wear like a college sweatshirt with a hoodie on the back of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Donnie]

And that sort of thing. And like, imagine that like if you went to the strip club, you didn't know which ones the strippers are.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

And you know, maybe this one's here visiting maybe, who knows, all. All of a sudden some regular looking girl, maybe she has to put down like her purse and maybe she's got groceries with her even, who knows, and then starts disrobing. That is much, much more exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Civilians, the strip club. I'm with you. And I don't like this. Super. Yes, okay, good point. Which is strip club. The whole deal about strippers is if a stripper is giving you a lap dance, that's fine. But she's a stripper. If you're having sex with a prostitute, that's fine. But she's a prostitute. The real fantasy is for you to walk into some establishment and get a lap dance from a hot college girl who's not wearing 14 inch Lucite wedgies and is wearing a thong back and has the weird kissing potion with the weird pencil liner around her lips. It makes her look like a Gang banger. That's the point. You want someone who looks like a civilian. I agree. And I think that what we're doing and what we. What sort of happened to porn in society is we basically took a polling of semi retarded NASCAR fans, asked them what gave him a boner, and then we all shifted that direction. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And there's no variety. There's no. There's not. Not porn for people with an IQ over 103.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You know what happened. Like the old. Like we used to. To watch. Jimmy's favorite porn is one called Sex Boat. And Donnie had Sex Boat too, because.

[Donnie]

It was the first one that I ever got a hold of.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's your Huggy Boogie. It's your first porn. You'll always remember your first porn. You know, I don't remember my first dance. I don't remember my firstborn child, but I do remember.

[Donnie]

First name you have trouble with sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

I do, but I definitely remember weekend Roulette. And I definitely remember Sex Boat. Candy striper. And candy stripers.

[Donnie]

I remember that one, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are all the ones that Donnie's dad had. And Donnie was the only guy who we knew who had a vcr. And well, before that, it was films, too.

[Donnie]

You had to process the scene.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to process.

[Donnie]

Yeah. That's a length I never went to.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is when you watched Sex Boat, that wasn't a movie, that was a film, number one. Number two, the chicks were civilians. Like, they looked like regular chicks. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Well, there was before. Before breast implants.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's in all the tattooing and everything and all the. The tongue piercings and everything. Hey, come over here and eat my.

[Donnie]

I think that was one of the lines.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. Well, it went under the horrible, horrible premise that once a chick found out these guys stowed away on a boat dressed as women.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Once the chicks on the boat found out that the woman had a penis, they were like, give me some.

[Donnie]

Yeah, you have to do that to me. And they were all. They all seem to have, like, to be on this cruise because they had a problem. They couldn't stop fucking in the outside world, so they put them on this boat. Like, you go on this boat for a week with nothing but women and that'll cure you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like the rich stepdads would be like, you're going on the SS Nympho for two weeks in the Bahamas and that's going to straighten out your compulsive sexuality. And they put them all in the boat together and they would all. But it was, it was a great movie. And the chicks all looked like just 21 year old college chicks or at least sort of civilians.

[Donnie]

And the guys dressed as women like one looked like, like the big ragu. It was like Bosom buddies turned into a porn.

[Adam Carolla]

I do, I do miss that 80s sitcom cliche where some guy looks like John Goodman puts a wig on and high heels and then he shows up to the office party and the boss is like, who's you're fetching new face friends Fresh. It was like, really? I don't think if John Goodman painted his nails and put a wig on, I would be into him. Ooh, who is this fetching confront?

[Donnie]

Yeah, I think Jack Tripper found himself in that situation at times.

[Adam Carolla]

Every third episode. So the point is, is that's what porn used to be. Now porn is chicks with the big barbell going through their tongue. Spitting. Yeah. Spitting and then yelling at the guy's dick. Fuck that pussy. That pussy. If I were that pussy, it'd be my pussy, wouldn't it?

[Donnie]

Which one?

[Adam Carolla]

That one.

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

They're like angry at the guy's dick. They got a barbell going through the thing. They got the crazy Catwoman eyeliner on. They're all tattooed. They're going, fuck that pussy. Like, I, I don't know. And by the way, I could keep an erection if a chick was yelling at that pussy.

[Donnie]

It's like fucking a super villain, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Another funny evolution of porn is, oh.

[Donnie]

Look who's paying attention.

[Adam Carolla]

Put down the pong, turned up his ears. You know, back in the old days, you might, if you had a roommate, you might go to the tv, turn it on and actually they might have left the VHS tape in and you'd see that the last scene that they finished with. Yeah. Today it's looking. You turn on the computer, if somebody gets to you, you know, you know where they're at.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Pulling that tape out of the VCR is also a thing that you really want tongs for.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. The.

[Donnie]

Room.

[Adam Carolla]

You know exactly what your roommate's into. Yeah. By where the tape ends.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's, that's, you know, if he's a blow job guy or an ass guy or whatever. Weez was always an ass man. I was a BJ man. And that's why we got along so well. But yeah, I would like somebody, if anyone's listening, who's in the porn world. You know how there's this move, this sort of retro move. Jimmy was talking about it 10 years ago. He said, you know, all these great car designs from the 50s and the 40s and the 60s, somebody ought to do retro version, you know, new versions of these retro styles. And it's come and fashion does the same thing. You know, the 60s style comes back, the hairstyles and everything. Somebody please bring back the old style of porn. I'm not interested in bigger and better. I don't want everything fueled by Red Bull and have to everything to have extreme in front of it. I blame the X Games and all this whole sort of energy drink fueled whatever for the my pussy or fuck that pussy stuff.

[Donnie]

I blame the X Games too.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's got to do bigger and everyone's got to do better. I want it. I want to roll it back. I want a simpler time. I want civilian porn. I want no tats. I want no fake boobies. I want no barbells through the tongue. That's another. That's another weird one to me.

[Donnie]

What, What a conversation we're going to end up having with our grandchildren when we're ranting and raving about the old days and telling them about how it used to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I have thought, you know, way more than once about the discussion of going into a theater and watching porn with 200 other guys.

[Donnie]

Yeah, he loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

What a crazy. What an amazing bonding experience. And when I say bonding, I mean literally being bonded to the floor because there's so much fun flying around. I mean literally bonded. How did Zeb get that job? How old was he? My buddy Zeb, 21, did have a job. My buddy Zeb got a job at the Pussycat theater. And by the way, you know you're desperate and I know you're. There's no way your son or your daughter are gonna have to deal with this. But you and I dealt with it. We all grew up with this. Which is your buddy who gets a gig doing something that is a cash cow for you. Like my buddy Chris got a job working the kiosk at the mall at snacks Fifth Avenue. And that meant all the oversized chocolate fudge cookies I could keister. And that was like the greatest thing in the world. Or my friend Katie worked at a TGI Fridays. And that meant I could get the baby back ribs for free on Friday if I showed. It was like nobody.

[Donnie]

Jimmy Vega worked at Jemco. And he would, he would. Well, he'd steal from Jeffco. What he'd do is he'd say, go buy whatever you want, whatever you need, and then come to my register. And I remember I was very Nervous about it, but we were playing tennis a lot at the time. He's like, come get a tennis rack. Come here. I was like, I don't know. I finally decided, I go to get a tennis racket. And keep in mind, this is like 1983, somewhere around there. 1983, 84. So I go, I get the tennis racket. It's a $40 tennis racket. And I go up to the counter and I'm very nervous. And he pretends he doesn't know me. We go through the transaction and he rings it up and he's like, 7:35, right? And I look at him like, huh, you could charge me any price for this tennis racket. It could be 5 cents, right? You charged me $7 for this goddamn thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a good point.

[Donnie]

$7 was a good two hours work when I work where I was minimum wage, like 235. And now I've gone from nervous to mad. I'm like, you stupid motherfucker. I didn't even. I don't even like, barely had like $8 on. I'm pulling this money out, I'm throwing it down on the counter. I hand it to him. He gives me my change. I'm pissed off. I leave the thing. But really, like, you could charge any price for $7 was a lot of money back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he worried that his supervisor would see you pull a nickel out of your pocket and hand it to him because you.4 cents change.

[Donnie]

He charged our mutual friend Cleto, who's my band leader on the show now, like a $12 or something like that for his tennis rack.

[Adam Carolla]

Me, I got.

[Donnie]

I got to pay $7. He was, by the way, fired eventually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My buddy Zeb got a job at the Pussycat Theater. And by the way, it was a huge chain. It's all out of business except for the gay ones, because the gays do like to congregate when they watch.

[Donnie]

I wonder why that is. Do you think they don't have DVD players?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not sure if they can afford. Either that or they don't have home stereo units. I'm not sure why the gays all want to get under the same roof to beat off. Because for the straights, we like to spread out. Yeah.

[Donnie]

It's probably the spirit of community that you see there.

[Adam Carolla]

I think so. I think there's a certain unity that goes on and a certain spirit to the masturbation that the gays align themselves with. But, yeah, I don't know. I've not solved that Riddle yet. But the one pussycat now is in West Hollywood. And it's not called a pussy a cat. It's called Duty dude or whatever. Well, it's on Santa Monica. It's in west. It's in West Hollywood. It's the one that's remained. But the point is, this was a huge chain. My buddy Zeb got a job at taking tickets at the one in North Hollywood. And by the way, this is how, you know, the neighborhood is sort of taking it. Taking a turn for the worst. That used to just be a guild theater. Remember that, Donnie? It was just a regular movie theater. I saw, like, Rocky there when I was, you know, nine years old. And now it was a Pussycat theater, and Zeb was taking the tickets, and they would, by the way, have, like, triple features. I mean, It'd be like 11 hours of porno. What the. Like the old days with the black and white cereal movies. Yeah. All day, they're just running. Yeah. Literally, you go in, it would be daylight, and you'd leave it to three.

[Donnie]

Good about yourself coming out of theater, too.

[Adam Carolla]

After that, you want to talk about, like, top loading the spank bank. Back then, you had to actually use your memory and use your mind. Like you. You used to. Like, I could remember going, I'm gonna remember this for when I get home instead of I'm gonna go home to a pile of porn. We were forced to use our magic.

[Donnie]

Our minds were our DVRs back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's what. Even as I've always talked about trying to talk to chicks and get them to admit they've done stuff that you can beat off to, you know, it's like, come on, admit it. You masturbate. Come on. I ran into.

[Donnie]

By the way, I ran into a girl that we interrogated many, many years ago recently. I'm not gonna say anything about who it was or whatever, but it was one of those nights after we did some radio station events where we round up a bunch of girls and we go to Denny's, and then we would interrogate them, and we. And we'd find out, like, everything they'd ever done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And then we go home and masturbate. But I remember one girl. Do you remember the girl that told us that she went on a. She went on a cruise and five guys fucked her?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

In a row.

[Adam Carolla]

I just speed off to that. It is funny when you.

[Donnie]

I remember that.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, there's a weird tone you use when you're pretending not to put something in your spank bank. Which is. I guess it's the one cops use when they're real casual, when they're interrogating people. So then you just kill them. Right. I mean, it's no big deal. But you did. You killed them. I mean, I'm not gonna say anything. You kill them, right? Like, you do that thing. Ah, yeah. Five guys. Yeah.

[Donnie]

I would start it out by.

[Adam Carolla]

Was one of them black?

[Donnie]

But then remember what I would do? I would continue confess a fake gay experience. Yeah. That I had.

[Adam Carolla]

And that would lead to all sorts of craziness.

[Donnie]

And I would say very seriously and explicitly and how it happened. And after revealing that, the rest of the group would feel, wow. Wow, that was such a major revelation. I couldn't possibly top that. But I'm gonna give it a try. And they tell us everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They did not know that conversation would leave the Denny's and Arlita that night.

[Donnie]

That's what cops ought to do. Cops ought to go in when they interrogate a criminal, and they ought to sit down and go, hey, man, you know what? Let me tell you something. I killed a couple guys myself.

[Adam Carolla]

I've snuffed some hookers. You know, we all make mistakes. So I'm just saying. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And then see where it goes from there. It couldn't hurt, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then they masturbate when they find out. Oh, no, no, wait a minute. I'm crossing. Yeah. My story's here. Yeah. There's nothing better than getting one of those great stories. And there's nothing. I remember we had. We had an assistant once. And you and I have had many assistants over the years, so I'll just leave it at that.

[Donnie]

You're narrowing it way down, though. All right, well, let's make it something else. There was a fire woman.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a fire woman once. And she basically was explaining to me that she. Her and her friend, both sort of one at one guy simultaneously.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And just in the oral sense. And I remember. I remember thinking, this is great, man. Am I gonna beat off to this? But I also remember trying to get more information and doing it in a very casual way where I was like, yeah, you know, I guess in a way, when there's two of you and there's just kind of one of him, I guess. I guess it gets a little competitive. I mean, you know, you want to do a better job than. And she's like, yeah, yeah, it does. True. Keep going, keep going.

[Donnie]

We have to pretend like, you know, fill me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Fill my brain with filth. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, the animatronic ponies. So anyway, the kids like them.

[Adam Carolla]

The kids?

[Donnie]

They did.

[Adam Carolla]

The kids. No, they did. They do. They love them. They feed them.

[Donnie]

This house, by the way, is crazy. I mean, it is crazy. And I've been putting off seeing this garage you built, but you really have. I mean, this is not that far away from what Batman did in his house. It really isn't. With the hydraulic lift and the cave and the mystery. I don't know what. I feel like we're all being duped in a way, because there's no possible way you've built this just for cars. This has to be a front for something, some religious organization you're starting, some sort. I don't know if there's some financial misdoings going on here, but there's something. There's got to be more to this than just the garage.

[Adam Carolla]

I love cars and I love garages. And I'm overcompensating because I grew up without any cars or any garages. I mean, I think it's the same.

[Donnie]

But everyone grew up without cars.

[Narrator/Host]

It's because we're children.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you didn't love cars and you didn't love garages. That's the whole thing. I mean, I don't know. You know, I mean, life basically just turns into this. You have something you'd like to do when you're young, you don't get a chance to do it, and then you spend the rest of your life overcompensating.

[Donnie]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, think about all the super nerdy producer types who are in Hollywood that are just fucking their way through Hollywood because. Because they didn't get laid in high school.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but is that why they're doing it or. It does feel late in high school. I didn't do that. Really? You think you're just doing it because of your genetic inclination?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I understand it's something that you might do anyway, but some seems more inspired than others. It seems like it's fueled by something.

[Donnie]

Yeah, maybe they are. They're fucking their way to Hollywood. They're not building a giant structure attached to their home of like a fuck garage, right, which has a hydraulic lift in which girls are lifted up into your living room. Maybe just a bed, but you have the women in them and then the women go down. But in the basement, they come up in the bed and you pounce on them.

[Adam Carolla]

But what happened. What happened with me is I was. I realized it because my. My son has the. Has the rancher gene. He loves Cars, he loves wheels. He loves trains. I mean, it's in you. It's in you. Like, if you have a musical gene, like every. Every single drummer, whenever they interview the drummer, it's always the same story. He went into the kitchen, he got the pots and pans out, he started beating them with a wooden spoon. And at a certain point when he was 5 or 14, his parents got him a drum kit, and he's never got off it. That's encoded into that kit.

[Donnie]

Hyperactive behavior.

[Adam Carolla]

But not only that, he loves drumming. Like, he wants to make music. I don't want to make music. You love drawing, you love garages, you love whatever. I have that thing with mechanical stuff and with architecture. And I grew up in a vacuum where there were no garages, no tools, no cars, no nothing. And I had this weird fire in my belly. Like, I gotta get hold of this stuff. I gotta get some tools. I used to go to Donnie's and try to rip his tools off and break into his garage and wrench on stuff all the time.

[Donnie]

Well, the question I think, though, is, will that thirst ever be quenched? And I think the answer is no.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Donnie]

And where do we go from here? How big is that garage that you built?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the point. It's like, when does Madonna retire?

[Donnie]

I mean, let me give you just. Just like. I mean, really, I want people to understand. What. What's. How many square feet is this garage? It's two stories, right? Two stories.

[Adam Carolla]

It's probably about 1400 below and maybe about 800 above.

[Donnie]

Okay, so 2200 square feet. Now imagine, if you will, like, imagine there was a rug in the middle of a giant room. There's just a big carpet, like.

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Donnie]

But under that carpet, there was a hydraulic lift at which a car could be lifted into what is an office, theoretically.

[Adam Carolla]

We haven't done it yet.

[Donnie]

This is really. I mean, I've really only ever seen that in superhero movies. That's the only place. Maybe James Bond, every once in a while, even he. I don't think is. Is that. Is that far along?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there will be, I'm sure. Fast forward about 14, 15 years from now, some sort of Ferris Bueller scene where my son is kicking the hood of my Ferrari, pops up on jack stand so it can go through the window.

[Donnie]

Either that or, of course, I don't want to see this happen. But perhaps you're setting yourself up to be murdered by criminals, and your son will now wreak vengeance using the tools that his father. Using the garage that his father Built using the tools, the cars that his father has left behind to fight crime and become a real, like, super vigilante.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my older uncle Alfred was talking to this. We're having the same discussion. Yeah, that would be. That would be poetic. But no, that kid.

[Donnie]

It's gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, I don't even know, like, I. I don't know what you do not to ruin your kids because they. What they're growing up in and around is. Is so insane.

[Donnie]

Yeah. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just gonna be ruined. Or, I mean, how does it work? Because they're probably. I was saying this to Dr. Drew once as it pertained to his triplets. Your kids are gonna live in a crappier house than they grew up in. Yeah. Which we never had to worry about because our parents lived in piles of shit or apartments.

[Donnie]

Oh, well, no, actually, my parents lived in a nice house. Much nicer than in Arizona.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been to that house. Yeah. But your house now is a lot nicer than.

[Donnie]

Yeah, well, initially though, I lived in some really crappy places.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So everything was just move up. It always ratchet up. Our kids are gonna have to move to an apartment in Sherman Oaks and it's gonna be a freefall from where they're at.

[Donnie]

Maybe, though. Maybe they'll suit the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No, I'm not. Well, your son. Your kids are creative. Yeah. Your son Kevin may be quite a fine writer and maybe your daughter be an artist, but it's tough to make money doing that. Although I could definitely see Kevin making a living in this business doing comedy.

[Donnie]

It would be simpler, probably, for them to just kill me off somehow and collect the cash and not have to worry about a college or any of that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I was listening to Stern the other day, and he was talking to Jerry Lewis's, like, daughter or kids or whatever. And I had no idea that Jerry Lewis had that kind of relationship, ironically, with his kids. Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

Jerry's kids aren't really his kids.

[Adam Carolla]

But isn't it always that way where a guy becomes obsessed with. With a bunch of handicapped strangers, but he doesn't talk to his own family?

[Donnie]

Makes you wonder if at some point in his life he felt guilty about and decided to do it. Or if maybe that's kind of a public cover up in a way. Although I believe that, and, you know, I honestly believe that the only reason Jerry Lewis does that telethon is so he can sing on national television twice a year. He sings once in the Middle of the show and then you'll never Walk alone at the end of the show. And I really, when I watch him sing, I realize like how delighted he is to be singing in front of everybody. I think that's it. That's why he's doing this. So he gets to sing you'll Never Walk Alone.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the era of people who can't sing but insist on singing might be over once Jerry goes. Yeah. And possibly Mike Douglas. Uh huh.

[Donnie]

Well, Mike Douglas is gone already.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's one down.

[Donnie]

Older people do this. Like even like Don Rickles will sing.

[Adam Carolla]

George Burns used to sing all the time. He'd be like a hundred and fifty, fifty years old. And he'd be like, won't you be my melancholy baby? But he would talk through the whole thing. It was during a time smoke. But listen, post karaoke, this is no longer a novelty, right? People holding a microphone and talking into it with a little bit of tone in their voice.

[Donnie]

I think what it was is there was only so much material you could come up with. They were constantly performing live, primarily live. And if you sing a few songs, it eats up like 18 minutes of your show. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you feel like the whole telethon is really just a ruse.

[Donnie]

It's an elaborate karaoke bar set up for Jerry Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Donnie]

I really believe that. I do. By the way, something great happened on my show last night. There's this rapper named Mastercraft. Well, the band is named Mastercraft.

[Adam Carolla]

During.

[Donnie]

While he was rapping during his song, he checked his, his text messages. Not once, but several times really during the performance. He was looking at his phone and checking his text messages. It's very obvious.

[Adam Carolla]

So you could see it.

[Donnie]

If you see the performance, you can see him looking at his phone. And I was going crazy. I was like, did you guys see that? Did you guys see that? And be like, no, no. And see? And then sure enough, he did it again. And he did it a couple other times.

[Adam Carolla]

This. I don't know if it's a Twitter related whatever, but there was just a story about a guy who plays for the Pacers or. I can't remember what team he's on, but he was twittering from the locker room at halftime and they're all tied up with the Celtics and he's literally telling people what the coach is telling them to say. And I mean, this is just the very beginning. Eventually guys are just going to be, I just caught the ball, I'm running for the end zone. DB has an angle on me. I mean, are People, this is as.

[Donnie]

Close to it as you get. I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. And then what? Where does it end and how does it work? And are we gonna know what everyone is doing at all times, all the time? And then what's up with this Twitter thing? And why is it the wave of the future? And why does everyone need to know when I'm taking a shit?

[Donnie]

Well, you know what? It's. I guess because everyone's a little bit of a narcissist. But I mean, like, there are certain people like Tad. We used to have this big fat intern named Tad who worked at kroc, the radio station, who our partner Daniel is obsessed with his Facebook page. And he's constantly sending me Tad's updates. And Tad's updates are like, think I'm gonna eat some nachos, you know, or like, think I'm gonna take a nap before work, you know, that sort of thing. And it's amazing to me that people are interested in it, but they are. And everyone that has Facebook, it's a great thing, claims they. Claims they're not that into it. Or they're like, that's their take. Everyone's take is it's not much more trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

It's worse people's face. Someone else set it up for me. People's Facebook take is the exact same take models have about becoming models when you interview them and the smoking hot 25 year old from Brazil or Texas or wherever, and you go, how did you get into modeling? They go, you know, I was just a student and they had a competition and my friend signed me up for it. I didn't even know I went, actually, she was in. I went down there with her. And it's always. Somehow they got roped into it.

[Donnie]

They're ashamed of it.

[Adam Carolla]

They're ashamed because they don't want to go, hey, on my 14th birthday, I took a good long look in the mirror and I liked what I saw a lot. And I realized. I just realized I was better looking than everyone. I was better looking than everyone in my ninth grade class. So I went to Europe and fucked a bunch of Arab guys and did coke. They don't want to say that, so they go, I didn't really want to get into it, but I think. And then the friend always signs them up for it. Yeah, but if my friend signed me up for something that I didn't want to do, like, hey, Adam, what's up? The Gay Olympics are in town. Yeah, I signed you up for the rodeo. Hey, fuck off.

[Donnie]

Guess what?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's not going. Oh, okay. Give me my chaps and spurs. I gotta head down. What is it? Is it the Staples Center? All right, I'm going. You don't have to go, right?

[Donnie]

You don't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Your friend signs you up for a modeling competition. You don't have to go.

[Donnie]

I think somebody bought you a subscription of Blacktail magazine. You didn't have to read it, Right, But I did.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the gay Olympics are, I think, going to Atlanta, and they have entered the rodeo. The rodeo. The new part.

[Donnie]

Oh, the rodeo is a big. It's a big game thing. I mean, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Donnie]

I mean, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's perfect.

[Donnie]

I mean, if you think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hell to the ass. I mean, you got. You got ropes, you got tons of. You got the fringe. I love the fringe. You know, the little. The leather hanging from the jackets. Of course, there's the chaps, boots. It's all very slimming. Yeah, even. Even the. Even the rodeo riders have gay names like Tuffy and stuff like that. They have their kind of. Kind of butch gay names. And there's really nothing. Butcher, butcher than the dress or than the riding the cow part.

[Donnie]

Yeah, well, also, it's. I mean, it's. It's like the roughest possible gay sex getting on one of those horses, if.

[Adam Carolla]

You think about it.

[Donnie]

Yeah, no, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Yeah. I mean, you think you're a power bottom. Get on a 2,000 pound ball. We'll see if you're a power bottom. But by the way, can the gays and I want to give this advice to all my gay friends out there. Stop saying let's name something. I had one 8 years ago all and I found out he was gay. Look, here's advice. Stop doing this stuff under the umbrella of the Olympics or the march or the parade. Just go. Look, we like sucking each other off. We like random sex. We like fucking. Let's all just get together on the 15th and get it on. Let's stop with the ruse. The parades, the floats, we all know what it is.

[Donnie]

There's going to be a pile on. Yeah. On May 31, May 30, there's going to be a pile. Everybody jump on.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, let's take a vote. I got 10,000 gays here. I could go. I could make up banners, I could forge a bunch of medals. I could do everything that we could call at the Olympics, just meet at Beam in park on Tuesday and turn it into a huge gay pyramid. You want to just do that? Why go through all let's drop the charade.

[Donnie]

I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get together. Gay pyramid. Dick Clark hosts. Yeah, I'm just saying it is guys in charge of other guys who are both deciding when we're gonna have sex and why, why, why go through the charade of the rodeo or the Olympics or what have you and up your penis.

[Donnie]

It's time for the gay pyramid. Gay pyramid days. That's what they call.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gay pyramid days. We need. We need, like a snappy song.

[Donnie]

And I think Louie Anderson would make an excellent host, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking Drew Carey, but no, no, you're right. You're right. Louie Anderson would definitely be a good host for the. For the gay bear. And there'd be a great sound when the letters turned over. It wouldn't be the Bing. It'd be a. It's always funny. I'm just saying.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you make some excellent. Stop bothering with the rodeos and the parades and the marches and everything. Just turn into a huge pig pile. Grease up and get it on, man. I mean, that's what it turns into at the end anyway.

[Donnie]

A good slogan for the event, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on.

[Donnie]

Grease up and get it on, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on, man. Gay pyramid days. Grease up and get it on, man. Yeah. I mean, you. You basically treat it like it's basically Sturgis for gays. You know, it's. A lot of bikers all ended up in one place and just getting it and just getting it on. The craziest thing about that biker thing is the year about four years ago.

[Donnie]

Elton John played it at Sturgis.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the craziest.

[Donnie]

It shows we're headed in a good direction.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess we've begun the healing. But it just sounds like someone would go. Like, you'd go, how did the presentation go? And you go, it went over about as good as Elton John at Sturgis.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? A whole bunch of scary bikers and a guy dressed up like Daffy Duck playing a bedazzled piano. It was Donald Duck.

[Donnie]

Either.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way trouble, right?

[Donnie]

You think?

[Adam Carolla]

So are there a whole bunch of hardcore bikers that are like really into Elton?

[Donnie]

You know what? I think everybody is now really into Elton. I don't think people even real. I don't think they even understand yet, because he's just Elton anymore, you know, it's just Elton John.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if you. If you're. If you're gay. If you just go. If you go by one name, it kind of it kind of works better. Like Liberace or Elton.

[Donnie]

Well, Liberace wasn't gay. That's right. According to his family, he was publicist.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a confirmed perpetual bachelor. And how about this with Liberace? And you know, you and I are kind of obsessed with the things that sort of fly under the radar of life. The stuff that, like there's certain things we make a huge deal out of. Like, like Alec Baldwin yelling at his kid.

[Donnie]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And to me, and this is gonna make me sound like a horrible parent, but to me, I'm sure that kid stood him up a few times. I'm sure Kim Basinger got in the kid's head and poisoned the kid. Kid Alec is a blowhard and a loudmouth. And I'm sure he just got done with a 14 hour day of shooting, got on the phone, got screwed over one more time and left that vitriolic mess.

[Donnie]

As awful as those those messages were, I've definitely seen worse in my home and especially for my Aunt Chippy.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's not about actual physical beatings.

[Donnie]

With a wooden spoon and hands full of hair at the end of a melee in the family.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, everyone you know has had a dad tee off on him with a spoon or a belt or a mouth. That has been worse than that. Donnie, your dad's done a lot more yelling than Baldwin did on that cell phone thing. But we made, we made a massive, massive. Donnie's dad is one of the scary dads. And we, but we made a massive deal over that. Liberace had a boyfriend who was like 19 or 20 who he forced, I'm guessing forced or coerced to have plastic surgery to look like him. His boyfriend that's masturbating like him so he could essentially fuck himself. That is weirder than anything ever and rarely gets discussed. He later went on to like sue the estate or whatever. But before Liberace passed and Liberace was, I don't know, in his late 50s, early 60s, whatever, whatever, whatever he is. And by the way, don't die in Palm Springs, that everyone just assumes you're gay. I don't care if you're an old Jewish couple, cart the guy out to Redlands and have him die. When I hear about he died at his home in Palm Springs. Interesting. So he dies in Palm Springs. He's like in his 60s. This guy's like 22. And this guy's had surgery to look exactly like Liberace. Isn't it. Isn't that fucked up?

[Donnie]

Yeah, it Is. Although you have to. I mean, that's his side of the story. I mean, it seems. It could. I mean, could that possibly be true?

[Adam Carolla]

When you see the guy's face, he looks like LeBron. He looks like Lee.

[Donnie]

I call him Lee.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes, he looks like Lee.

[Donnie]

By the way, speaking of Lee Leviro, one of the things I love is one of my favorite things, and there were many things I enjoyed about the horrible tiger attack on Roy. I love learning their last names.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Which I've never ever even thought about learning. Which is Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn. Schultz, Fishbacher and Horn. Great. I mean, it's really. It sounds like an accounting firm or something. Fishbacher, Horn. But what a thrill to find out their last names. And. And really, I'd love to see them go with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Not. Not only that, but I saw the whole reunion special. I don't know if you caught that on like 20, 23 years ago. Right. It was.

[Donnie]

It's horrifying.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And it's also weird that they don't know, like when they do those interviews and then the voiceover comes on, it goes. These partners of 30 years are these best of friends for over. Over two decades now. Roy was always by his side or Siegfried was always there. No one knows exactly what to label them.

[Donnie]

Yeah, they won't. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird.

[Donnie]

It's like they won't say because you know what? I do think? I mean, I don't know that they're gay, but I'm guessing that they're gay based on the mountain of evidence, the gay pyramid of evidence that has been presented.

[Adam Carolla]

But huge sculpture of both of them in bronze on the front lawn.

[Donnie]

That'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Pass. This is an interesting game. Drive through the neighborhood. You can pick the gay houses by either the sculptures in front or what they do with the address. Straight guys, address just spray painted on the curb. Hey, guys. Neon, backlit, front lit. They have more parties made of stainless steel. All right, sorry.

[Donnie]

So. But I forgot what I saw. Well, I grew up in Las Vegas, you know, and what I think about them is while perhaps they are homosexuals, again, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

I think they're not together. I don't think they're a couple. I think we just assume they are because we hear Siegfried and Roy. But I get the idea that they're not. I used to go to a gym in Las Vegas growing up called Camelot. It was. I would go there, I'd lay on the massage machine for like 20 minutes. But Siegfried would come into the gym, he'd do like six sit ups, and then he'd go sit in the hot tub for an hour, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And here's a guy who has a, you know, an aquarium filled with Bengal tigers at home. He does easily.

[Donnie]

This is the crappiest. I cannot, first of all, very far from where they live. Secondly, just the crappiest gym imaginable.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, he doesn't have room in his palatial estate for a Bowflex.

[Donnie]

Right. And it's funny because I never. It never really dawned on me. You know, you're a teenager. You just don't, like, realize, you say. But I was like, what the heck?

[Adam Carolla]

What's he doing here?

[Donnie]

I thought he was rich. I wonder why he's here. You know? Like, he never really doesn't seem to work out at all, but he'll, you know, he's in the hot tub all the time. And, you know, I realize now, well.

[Adam Carolla]

So maybe they're gay, but maybe they're not with each other.

[Donnie]

That's. That would be my guess, if I make a guess on it.

[Adam Carolla]

So what, you're saying that it's a. That one of them is a queerd, which is a gay beard, because there's the beards, which is your wife, when you're really gay. And then there's the queerd, which is the gay guy who lives with you when you think you're a gay couple, but you're really spreading out and getting laid on your own.

[Donnie]

Yeah. And they're magicians, too, which is another thing. One of the funniest things I've ever seen is my dad, of course, got free tickets to see Siegfried and Roy. There's no way we would ever pay to go to anything. But my dad somehow got free tickets to see Siegfried and Roy. And the whole family went. And we were way, way, way in the back, which, you know, seemed a little. It was a little disappointing when we got there until we realized that the people in the front row is a whole front section of Japanese businessmen. The elephants started urinating like a fire hose. The urine came down, hit the stage, and sprayed them as if they were at a Gallagher show.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Donnie]

And people were diving under tables. I mean, it was great. It was really like a Japanese horror monster film. People were just scattering like it was like a riot and happening in the front row.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know. Elephants are big and horses are big, but they piss like they've been wanting to pee for three days.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And just drinking Miller Light.

[Donnie]

They pee like they're Trying to escape. Like they're bore a hole through the bottom of the stage and somehow get down to the subterranean earth and get.

[Adam Carolla]

Back to Africa or propel themselves backwards through the ceiling. It is, it is good. And I do. There's nothing better than an animal taking a dump on stage or taking a piss on stage. And that's, by the way, that is my theory behind that horrible monkey attack from a few weeks back. Well, animals, like, here's the deal. And we do two things in life. There's the things. There's your dog. Your dog just shits in the backyard, hopefully, or in the entry hall, but your dog just shits. And then there's your kids and your kids shit on themselves. But you put a diaper on them and you put some pants on them. Monkeys are the only thing on the planet that is forced to wear a diaper and walk around. Kids wear a diaper but they pull pants over it. Old people wear diaper but they pull sweatpants over it. Or dogs wear no diaper and shit where they want. Monkeys have to walk around in a diaper. They don't pull pants or anything over it. So imagine what it would do to your psyche. Years and years of walking around just in a diaper. You would attack somebody. Eventually you'd be pissed off enough to go after somebody.

[Donnie]

You say we should get monkey's pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Or take the diaper off.

[Donnie]

Yeah. But then you know what they do is they throw their shit at us.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well then how about, how about we'll pull a pair of little sweatpants over the pull ups. Just saying, why not? If you're gonna go, it couldn't hurt. It's cruel, by the way, to say, here, put this diaper on. But I'm not going to take another 10 minutes and pull some shorts, some cargo shorts on over you.

[Donnie]

I think this could be the beginning of a very important charity. You could start Pants for Chips.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, we'll get Jerry Lewis. We'll promise him he can sing, he'll sign on and we'll get the pants for chips. We'll take a look up at the 8 board. We'll see how we're doing. We'll have companies donating. Well, I don't know if we're going to do any better than Pants for Chimps. I feel like that's a good note to go out and you got to go to work and make with the mirth. I have to. What do I got to do?

[Donnie]

I should mention our YouTube channel. We have a new YouTube channel if you get the YouTube on your computer. You dial it up or something. How do they. How does it work? You dial it. But yes, it's YouTube, Jimmy Kimmel Live. And it's a great resource if you want to never have to watch the show. You can just go there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you can go there and watch it on your computer.

[Donnie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Donnie]

We get nothing from it. It works out. It's like you with this job. I really think it's interesting that you've taken two. The one that you really like. Jump right into full. Yeah. Is something that you don't get paid anything for.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about it now. Not only do I not get paid, it costs me like three grand a month to do this job. It's really what you're not looking for in a kid.

[Donnie]

And yet somehow this is the one for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is it. All right. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for my buddy the Wheeze. And of course, the great Jimmy Kimmel. And without him, I wouldn't be sitting here spending three grand a month to talk to nobody saying, mahalo.

[Narrator/Host]

All right, that was Adam Kurolla show episode 21. Coming up next, we have Adam Carollo show episode 45 with Carson Daly for no specific reason.

[Carson Daly]

It's like when I lived in New York, all my friends in New York who are like 35 or 40 now, they all went to camp. And so when I, you know, I remember the first year I was in New York meeting a bunch of my friends, that everything was a reference to much like we may with college, you know. Oh, it was my buddy, you know, he went to Loyola Marymount with me or whatever in the east coast. Everything is. Oh, he went to camp with me. What camp did you. Everything was camp, right? And I didn't have that on the west coast. We went to maybe junior lifeguards or something like that. I went to John Wooden basketball camp in the valley for like a week and that was it. They go for like these sleep away camps for like two months in the summer.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Carson Daly]

And I think that was created by parents just to get their kids out of the fucking house in the summer so they could go to Europe.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that a lot of these things were just devised by rich people. I mean, boarding school, two way, you know, sleep away camp, pre, Pre. Pre school. That's all of this. It's all based, loosely based on Mama wants to go shopping, Right? Needs to get your ass out of the house. Somebody needs to underwrite this retarded endeavor. Hey, pops. This Will be good. He'll learn how to socialize. Yeah, like you wouldn't. Like, like how? Like you wouldn't learn to socialize otherwise.

[Carson Daly]

If two people like my sister works and so does her husband work, so it works out well. In that case, they don't have to pay them weekly for the nanny. Jaden can go to school and hang out all day and it acts as a daycare.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

So that makes some sense. It's serving multiple purposes and she's also learning how to share.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're essentially warehousing the kids. Yeah. And then they start talking about, well, the kid needs a good education. He's got to get a good education. I don't know. I mean, do you feel, did you get a good education?

[Carson Daly]

I don't know. I went to junior college ultimately.

[Adam Carolla]

I think so. And then you went to Loyola?

[Carson Daly]

I went to Santa Monica High School and then I went to Loyola Marymount to play golf.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

I dropped out of Loyola after a year and moved out to Palm Springs and enrolled in College of the Desert, a junior college, and was trying to play pro golf.

[Adam Carolla]

When it's in Palm Springs, couldn't we do the desert math? You know what I mean? Just call it college. You don't have to need the of the desert. It's 122 degrees. I see the lizard on the rock over there by Bob Hope's place. I'm doing the desert math over here.

[Carson Daly]

It's not like there's other colleges.

[Adam Carolla]

So you went over there to play golf? Essentially, yes.

[Carson Daly]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what happened? When did you realize the dream of pro golfer was not gonna work?

[Carson Daly]

When I moved to Palm Springs, I was maybe 19. I was living with my parents, my golf coach lived there. So in my mind I was just gonna go to this junior college, but I would be able to work out with my golf coach for six hours a day. I would get good enough to try and play on a mini tour and I would get in my van and I would work my way up. I would go to Q school, I would qualify, I'd get my tour card by the time I'm 21 and I would be a rabbit on the PGA Tour. And I'd be playing golf for a living.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

I tried to qualify for the US Open when I was 19. I was the youngest guy in the field. And it was, and this was the day, the moment, the tipping point when I realized that I wasn't good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

Because it was a 36 hole event and I was doing very well up until my like, 30th hole in 120 degree heat in Palm Springs. And I was like, maybe one over, right? The cut was probably even, and I made a nine on a par five. And that. That was that.

[Adam Carolla]

You just realized.

[Carson Daly]

I just.

[Adam Carolla]

It all.

[Carson Daly]

It all went away at that moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be nice?

[Carson Daly]

I knew I wasn't good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be nice?

[Carson Daly]

And then Jimmy Kimmel called.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's perfect.

[Donnie]

Literally. Which is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, I want to.

[Carson Daly]

I want to.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to get into that, but wouldn't it be nice if there was that moment for unfunny people?

[Carson Daly]

Yeah, I knew you're going to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Down that or undaunted people if somebody could just tap them on the shoulder and go, no more open mics. No more odd.

[Carson Daly]

I love it when you say it like everybody's a fucking comedian. Nobody's a fucking comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

You know what I mean? Everybody thinks they're really funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it would be nice. And I do like that about some sports. But then how does the part where Jimmy gives you a call work in.

[Carson Daly]

Well, you know, I met. I met Jimmy when I was 12 years old in Maui. I was on a family trip with my mom and my dad and my sister. Jimmy was 17 and went to a Catholic high school in Las Vegas. And Father Bill, who, you know. Well, yes, who was his. His priest, took him and Cleo and his buddies to Maui. We met in Chemo's at a restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

My mom started talking with Cleito's, now his band leader.

[Carson Daly]

I mean, this is one of the weirder stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Carson Daly]

So he's there and that's where we met.

[Adam Carolla]

Because his church went there. Well, it was.

[Carson Daly]

I think it was his. It was like his senior trip. So the priest took like six years.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to fucking Knott's Berry Farm and I lived out here. He went to goddamn Maui.

[Carson Daly]

I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Carson Daly]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's childhood's so much better than mine. Even Jimmy, who didn't even have a good childhood, is still twice as good as mine. All right, so he goes to Maui.

[Carson Daly]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're already having a good childhood because you're in Maui at 12 years of age. Right. And there you are and you run into Jimmy at the bar.

[Carson Daly]

Well, no, I'm like 12.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean. No, you could have been there getting a Shirley Temple.

[Carson Daly]

No, well, he. My mom noticed the Catholic priest, Father Bill, who's, you know, we know to this day, and said, hey, we're Catholic from Santa Monica, et cetera. We started talking. They invited us to have mass on the beach back at Jimmy Kimmel's hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

That sounds like a party.

[Carson Daly]

And we went and I don't remember much because I was young, but I just remember that Jimmy just, he wouldn't call me Carson. He kept calling me Letterman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Carson Daly]

He just, he refused to call me Carson. It really meant nothing to me at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Carson Daly]

And I think my sister was like sneaking cigarettes with Cleo. I think they were. I remember that whole thing. But he kept calling me Letterman. He was such. And if you know Jimmy's story, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know he was a massive Letterman fan.

[Carson Daly]

And then long story short, he was obsessed with a guy named Bill. Bill Fox. The Fox who was on the man show with you guys? Yeah, my dad was. Went to college with Bill Fox. They made that connection.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the guy who can chug a beer standing on his head. Was on the first season of the Man Show. Sings all the dirty shanties and so on and so forth.

[Carson Daly]

Well, Bill, you know. Yeah, so Bill and my dad, whatever. Then Jimmy and some friends came out Santa Monica. My dad, they were underage. My dad took him in to see the Fox.

[Adam Carolla]

So you guys basically met in Maui. Yeah, Hit it off. Yes. Even though Jimmy was 17 at the time. Cruising 12 year old boys in Maui sounds like Jimmy. Other 17 year olds would have been trying to get fake IDs and get into strip clubs or waiting in front of liquor stores to see if some fat Samoan could buy him a six pack of Primo. But not Jimmy. He's having a. He's basically taking the Eucharist out on the. Out on the beach with a 12 year old. All right, horrible strategy. But the point is, is it works out because you guys become friends. Yes. And you're gonna go see the Fox.

[Carson Daly]

They went to see the Fox later.

[Adam Carolla]

That summer back in la.

[Carson Daly]

Yeah, we stayed in touch and then cut to, you know, I don't know, five or six years later when I had moved to Palm Springs to play golf, Jimmy had just started his, you know, like third or fourth morning show job in Palm Springs. He'd been fired from every other radio station. His daughter was very young. And he saw my parents had opened up a shelter and it made the paper and he said on the radio, does anybody know the Caruso's or whatever. And then like our security guard from where my parents live talked to Jimmy, said they're here. I just moved there. Jimmy called the house, I went over, we made. We drank Henry Weinhardt's and he barbecued. And that was the beginning of.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss Henry Weinhardt's reserve. Yeah. So you. So Jimmy and I started interning for.

[Carson Daly]

Him at his radio show.

[Adam Carolla]

At the time you're like 19 or 20.

[Carson Daly]

Well, I'm thinking, I know Jimmy and I'm like, is gonna be great because Jimmy will just sign off on my internship. I'll get school credit. Meanwhile I can just go play golf.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So you still don't want to get in the show business?

[Carson Daly]

No, absolutely not. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy's barely in show business. He's going from one gig to the next getting shit canned. And he's now doing mornings in Palm Springs. You start coming on, you start doing some stuff on the air.

[Carson Daly]

I start, I meet him at, you know, 5, 4:30, 5 o' clock in the morning. Jimmy would get there very early, go through the papers. You know, he's a one man show. I mean it was a very.

[Adam Carolla]

He was incredible and worked very hard at a certain.

[Carson Daly]

I help him out as much as I could, although I did no idea what I was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point he either gets fired from that job or gets a promotion to go to Phoenix, right? Yes. So he leaves and goes to Phoenix.

[Carson Daly]

He went to Tucson or to Tucson.

[Adam Carolla]

You're still back in Palm Springs.

[Carson Daly]

Yes, I went to.

[Adam Carolla]

He, he stayed there.

[Carson Daly]

We had a great morning show there. I mean, I think there was some. There was some great chemistry. It was me and Jimmy and I was, you know, his, his morning show intern and then sort of the producer and then kind of a sidekick.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

And then we had the weather lady who was a 69 year old lady. Ann Perry, who recently passed away, who since has been like a grandmother to both. Jimmy and I, we had a very. You should ask Jimmy about our relationship with the weather lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's told me stories because she was great.

[Carson Daly]

I mean she was like our grandmother, but she really was like a very close friend of ours. I mean she was very crass lady. She would say she never knew how to edit her. She would say stuff on the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Carson. Yeah, I think Jimmy's on the phone right now.

[Carson Daly]

Oh, is he?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh he is. Wow. How would that.

[Carson Daly]

How did the hell did that happen?

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Skype. The magic of Skype. Oh, wow. Hey, Jimmy.

[Carson Daly]

Hey, pal.

[Adam Carolla]

We're just talking about the old days.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh yeah, I remember them.

[Adam Carolla]

You left Carson in Palm Springs and you went to Tucson.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That is correct. Yeah, I went to go do a morning show at Tucson. Carson took over for me there.

[Adam Carolla]

And because Palm Springs wasn't hot enough for you, and you couldn't get to the surface of the sun. You thought, I'll go to Tucson.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Actually, Palm Springs is hotter than Tucson.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. So how did you get Carson from Palm Springs to KROC in la?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, Carson kind of did that on his own, really. Carson got a job working in San Jose, and then he doing weekends, and then he got hired doing a regular shift at Live105 in San Francisco. And then I just kind of fed the tapes to our program director, Kevin Weatherly, who liked him a lot. But really, I mean, Carson got that job on his own.

[Adam Carolla]

Carson, yes.

[Carson Daly]

That's absolutely. That's the only thing I've done on my own. I would, you know, I would make radio, as you well know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just such a weird, like, to.

[Carson Daly]

Try and get a job in radio. Everybody would say, you know, send me your. When I was in Palm Springs and Jimmy was in Tucson, I thought, all right, my golf career is done. I'll give this a quick shot. And I basically made a list of the west coast radio stations and alternative, which was the end in Seattle, live 105 in San Francisco, Kroc in LA, 91X in San Diego, and the Edge in Phoenix. And I said, I'm gonna write letters to. I'm gonna send my resume or whatever to these program directors, and if I get a job, then great. If not, I'm gonna go figure, I'll work in a golf shop. They kept saying, send your T and R. And I remember calling Jimmy and asking him because he was the radio vet. I said, what the hell is a T and R? And he said, that's your tape and resume, dick wad. And he said, listen, fuck them. Don't send them like you're on the air. You know, you're sending them air checks. Why don't you just write a resume? Just as a fuck. Write it in crayon. So I wrote five, just kind of bullshit resumes, you know. You know, and sent a tape in crayon. And I think that's. And he had been giving my tapes to Kevin Weatherly. And that's what it took to get that job.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, also, Carson is one of the only people who ever did everything I told him to do. He worked seven days a week for a long time where we'd work in the morning and then he'd go do weekends on the station in San Diego, which was the flash, I think. Right, Carson?

[Carson Daly]

Yes, that's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And it really. That went on for years where he would then drive, you know, a Couple of hours and then go stay at this, you know, some motel in San Diego and do weekend shifts. And he just. That's. He kind of. He just worked his way in like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I did 70% of what Jimmy told me to do at the beginning.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, you did 100% of what I told you. But now you do about 4% of.

[Adam Carolla]

What I tell you to do. Well, it's gone down, it's trickled down.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I can barely hear you through Skype right now.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but remember that time when we were at Kroc and you had your razor blade and your scotch tape out and you said, adam, if you can learn to edit this tape by splicing it together, you will be very helpful around here. And I said, fuck that. It's good. I didn't learn that right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that seemed like.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think for some reason you're not inclined towards those sorts of things.

[Adam Carolla]

I just figured, it's 1996. Shouldn't a computer be able to do this thing by now?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, the computer came about six months later. And you never learned to use that either.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. I'm still waiting for something else. Yeah, it's weird. When we were Carson, you know, too, when you're making your air check tape, you physically had to cut the tape.

[Carson Daly]

We used to do every Friday, I think it was in Palm Springs, the. These fairy tales that Jimmy would write, classic fairy tales. But we would. The main character, if it was Cinderella, he would rewrite it. A very funny, you know, sort of short script, like radio theater, really. And Cinderella became. Everything was about the weather lady, the 69, nine year old woman who was on our show who had this very funny, you know, Jewish Brooklyn accent. And in this case it was Weatherella. We used to make these things and just get anybody in the office to come into this very small production room and like, we pass out scripts and he'd have sound effects and Jimmy would spend probably Jimmy, what, like two hours editing this. This quarter inch tape with razor blades. And I remember he'd have them over his knee, you know, this analog. And he could. And he used to always say, it's the little edits, kid Carson. It's the little edits.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know, you keep the tape. When you cut a piece of T out, you put it on your knee because you may have to put it back in if the edit didn't work.

[Carson Daly]

They have a feature now on the computer called Undo.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, now it's called undo, which. I almost started crying the first time. I saw the computer make an edit. I was just like, oh, no. I wasted so much of my life. But the truth, Adam, is that by making yourself useful, I meant if you learn to do this, I won't have to edit all of your bits for you on the weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

You should just said that. I thought you meant more important to the station, not to.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You have been more important station in my eyes. I didn't have to do everything for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, isn't it crazy that radio editing has remained the same for 85 years? Except for in the last three years you got there and then essentially it changed and you got out. Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The editing hasn't changed much since I got out. But, you know, we used to have like a thousand carts with these little cartridges that look like eight track tape with sound effects on them. And just the whole wall would be covered with carts. And you'd have to protect your carts from the other jocks. And like, don't use my sound effects. And now everything's in something that's the size of a toaster. I mean, it's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

When I remodeled the KROC studio, which is one of my jobs, even when I was on the air over there, or at least part time, I made a slot for all. I made something that held like 500 carts. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And more than that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'd have to pull them out and pop them in and they just look like eight tracks. And it'd be like, that's my boner cart sound. And somebody would have to do it. It seems like a million years ago now, doesn't it?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The thing I was most protective of was my vomit sound effect. You remember that Carson?

[Carson Daly]

Yes, I do.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Bucket you guys used on Loveline for many years. Also, I made that vomit sound effect in the studio. I got two garbage pails, filled them with water, and then I got two small garbage pails and filled them with water. And I'd make the vomit sound with my mouth and then slosh the water. And it really was a horrible sounding and very graphic sounding vomit sound effect.

[Carson Daly]

Well, they used to have sound effect libraries, like those discs that you could go to that have every imaginable sound. And the vomit one was never good enough for Jimmy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It was never vomiting.

[Carson Daly]

It wasn't vomity enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

It's the lingering slosh of the liquid hitting the pavement and then sort of rolling down. He had all of that.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like that'll be woven into your memorial. Jimmy. Let me tell you. Let me tell you, when you look up perfectionists in the dictionary you will see Jimmy Kimmel. They used to have stock vomit sounds for all the radio guys, but that was not good enough for Jimmy. But Jimmy, how long. I was trying to figure this out the other day. How long were you at KROQ with Kevin and Bean before?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Five years.

[Adam Carolla]

Was five years. And you started just a couple months before I got there, right?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I started maybe like three or four months before you got there.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I started right after the earthquake. A month after the earthquake.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know what's nice, I just thought about this. But. But I remember the 94 earthquake because I remember meeting Jimmy in like, you know, April or something. And the earthquake was like in February or whatever. Whatever it was the 94 quake. I wouldn't remember what year it was probably if there wasn't the 94 quake. And it just.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Me neither.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It just goes to show we need a good earthquake about every 10 years just to mark the time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Just so you can go, 911 is another time marker. That's how I figured things out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we need either Al Qaeda or God to shit on us about every six to 10 years, just so we know where we were. Because you true. You go, oh, I know. Oh, I was living over on. I was up in Beechwood. I was at that house when 9 11, whatever.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I can't remember the year I got married, but I remember my high school graduation year. I remember the earthquake in 94. And then 9 11. Everything else is somewhere in between or after those things.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the marriage was kind of your own. 9 11. So we should have.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Did you guys talk about how Carson and I met? It's the story. That sounds very, very gay in retrospect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes.

[Carson Daly]

On the beach, Adam made a point of noting its gayness.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, it wasn't this gay when you realized that we were both very young, but it sounds gay now. A man in a bar meeting a 12 year old, but was only 17 at the time.

[Carson Daly]

Well, you throw in a Catholic priest and that. That's. That's the problem.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, it is. Except when you throw in though, your parents and stuff, I think it brings it back into the wholesome area.

[Carson Daly]

Yes, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

It also sounds like a good joke where you go like a 12 year old, a Catholic priest and a 17 year old pedophile walk into a bar. Right? Yeah, does sound like there should be a punchline there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So have you noticed that Carson and Dave Danishek each gave their baby sons black names?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see, we have Grover and Lucius.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Grady.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Grady. That's Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Grady and Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, Grady. Well.

[Carson Daly]

And they were born on the same day, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I think they were born a day apart.

[Carson Daly]

Okay. I remember getting these emails from you and from cousin Sal, and that was. The subject line was just, this is amazing. Carson, Brady and Jackson.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I know. It really is. It's like. Like the character list from Sanford and Son.

[Adam Carolla]

And what's his middle name, Rallo?

[Carson Daly]

James.

[Adam Carolla]

James. Oh, it's my dad's first name. I was thinking my first name and Jim's first name. Jimmy's dad's first name and everyone's first name.

[Carson Daly]

I was my dad's first name, too, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying a couple of podcasts ago that my son and Jimmy pointed out to me that my son's middle name is Richard, and thus his name is Sonny Dick, which sounds like a horrible drink.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You gotta put some paba on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What's he suffering from? Sonny Dick.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sonny D. Yeah, Sonny D. The liquid you hate more than any liquid in the world. You named your son Sonny D. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It is so pathetic. And I now again have to apologize to all the other parents who I've been making fun of over the years, where I kept saying, didn't you know that that was the name? Hey, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You should have let me vet that for you, because I'm good at those sorts of things, and I will instantly come up with the different combinations. But you went ahead without me. I would have figured that out in no time.

[Adam Carolla]

You do know, Jimmy, you do know my. My new angle with the. I mean, I know you like a practical joke more than almost anyone on the planet. Yes. And all that paging at the airport, you know, paging Mr. Dick Nibbler and stuff like that. So they know all of them. But you do know my new angle with the N word and the C word and all that stuff, right? This is. I had somebody do this. I had a listener do this for me. They paged at the airport. I think it was in Phoenix. Harry Seaworth. And if you think about it, we get so used to seeing. Call them the N word or the F word or the C word. We're doing all that now. This is the latest in gag names, Harry. F word. I mean, you could do it. I mean, C word. If you do the C word math, it's good, right, Harry? C word.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that is good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You could call the airport and tell them to page Harry C word. And they wouldn't. They wouldn't raise an eyebrow yet. It would be hysterical.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I thought of a Great, great new prank. A horrible, great prank.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I want to spread. I want to get it out there. All right, so you know how you get a wedding invitation in the mail? It's usually very nicely hand lettered and there's an RSVP card that goes along with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

If you were to get a nice envelope that was the size of that wedding invitation and write anyone's address on it, you can invite someone, preferably someone the bride and groom hate, to anyone's wedding just by remailing that wedding invitation.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Oh, interesting. Right, Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Or if you want to really be an asshole, you can scan the wedding invitation in the RSVP card, print it up and send out dozens of invitations to a wedding. And then the bride and groom are going to get an RSVP card that says either yes or no. And it's good either way because if it's somebody they hate that responds yes, they're going to come to the wedding. Maybe they feel like all this person is trying to bury the hatchet or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They're going to be horrified. Or if there's somebody, if they decline, then it's like, who is this? Who does this asshole think he is I invited? As far as he knows, I invited him to the wedding and he declined.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All you need is one of those wax candle stamp things. Yeah. To reseal the envelope with, which by.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I mean you just get a new envelope and reseal, you know, because you have to write a different address on it. But those RSVP cards never have the person's name on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It says Mr. And Mrs. Or whatever and blank. And you fill in the name and then how many people are going to be coming?

[Carson Daly]

Well, you know, you'd have to take.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wonderful.

[Carson Daly]

If you did your research, you really could f of somebody because you could, could find out like the groom's ex wife. You could dig deeper and send them strategically. And then it really doesn't matter if anybody responds or not. And let's say they do respond because then the fight that's going to happen at home, the wife's going to go, how dare you invite your ex wife? And he said, I swear to God I didn't, but I'm holding the invitation and she's coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And you know what you do is you find out like where to get their hair cut. You invite that person, you find out like their insurance guy. You invite all these people that are just kind of marginally in their life lives, people that they might possibly consider Inviting to the wedding.

[Carson Daly]

The mailman.

[Adam Carolla]

But event. Eventually it turns into a Matthew McConaughey movie, right?

[Donnie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I saw him last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Where was he?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I went to. I went. I presented at the TV Land Awards. I presented Don Rickles with a lifetime achievement award. He was there. He was there presenting an award to Magnum P.I. but here's. You know what? Something great happened to me last night that I think. I think you guys will appreciate. By great, I mean not so great. But I get in the limo, and this driver is so fat, he can barely. I mean, it's like, you know, he's got the imprint of the steering wheel on his stomach right when he gets out, and he's trying to open my door for me. And meanwhile, I'm just like, listen, buddy, I'll open the door. You can barely get back in the car. So I go and I do the thing, and then he picks me up afterwards, and he's all excited. He goes, I dug. To my son. He's very excited that I am driving you. I said, oh, that's nice. And he goes, you are his second favorite host.

[Adam Carolla]

Second.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I go, who's first?

[Adam Carolla]

It is Gene Hoiburn.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I did not ask.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he didn't ask.

[Carson Daly]

He didn't ask.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He didn't bother to ask. But, you know, that's an area where honesty is not necessarily completely necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, to be fair, Jimmy Conan was.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, in the way back, and I didn't know it.

[Adam Carolla]

But, Jimmy, I hate to say this, maybe his son said, you're his fifth favorite host, and this guy was lying.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, you're right. That is possible.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to do that math. But he didn't want to say number one because he knew it wouldn't be believable.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know what? You're onto something there. I feel even worse.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a guy stop me yesterday on the CBS lot and said, hey, man, that dirty, Dirty business, whatever that Norm MacDonald movie was with Artie Lang. Dirty Work. Dirty Work was really funny, man. That was awesome. And I said, oh, you must. I'm not Norm MacDonald. And he's like, oh, oh, you weren't in that. And I said, no, no, you think I'm. I'm Norm MacDonald. That wasn't me. And then he proceeded. He gave a pause, and he's like, that was a really funny movie. And I was like, well, you know, we don't have to continue talking about the movie I wasn't in. We don't have to coast to a stop with this.

[Carson Daly]

I get great, man. Show all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Carson Daly]

The man show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Carson Daly]

I don't know if they think I'm you or Jimmy, but I get that all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. We should both be flattered. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There's a weird thing that goes on. I used to every once in a while, get mistaken for Carson, and I think it's just because people know we know each other, and we'll get like our. Like, I can understand people confusing me and you, Adam, because we did the show together. But. But every once in a while, people are like, hey, Carson. I'm like, hey, what's happening, ladies?

[Adam Carolla]

It just also just shows you that people don't really sweat the details. Right. I mean, their brains don't put everything into very small.

[Carson Daly]

If you're gonna have balls to go up to somebody, you should at least feel very confident that what you're about to compliment them on is accurate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you guys have gotten this one. You have gotten the drunk chick at the party who comes up to you and goes, I don't know who you are, but all my other friends seem to know who you are, and I feel it necessary to come and tell you to your face. I don't know who you are. And I'm always like, hey, cunt, why are you here? If you don't know who I am, then. And perhaps your friends who do know who I am could come up to me, but. And I'm sure they do. They're just saying that. But you've gotten that, right?

[Carson Daly]

Yes, I have, Jimmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes, of course. I think it makes them somehow feel like there's like they're somehow, like, leveling you out or something. Like, you don't even know that the friends are in the corner whispering that you're there. And, like, she's gonna take you down a notch because, you know because of something you don't even know is happening.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Carson Daly]

I also hate the phrase when it. When it opens with if you're at dinner or something. And the first line that they say is, I hate to do this, but yes, don't say that line. It's okay that you've come over and whatever, but don't open it with, I hate to do this, because obviously you don't hate to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right up there with, I'd like to help, but I will do nothing. And I hate to do this, but I am about to do it.

[Carson Daly]

I'm sure you hate this, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Just once I would like to see them go. Like, they come up to you go, I hate to do this. But. And they pull out a stapler and stapler penis to the. To the table.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that hasn't happened. That hasn't happened to you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I know you hated to do it. You did it.

[Adam Carolla]

You did it.

[Carson Daly]

It brings accuracy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Jimmy, I feel like I should toss a plug out for you whilst we're wrapping up here. When does the TV Land Awards air?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, that's on Sunday. And I'm actually going to tape Ellen today, which is on tomorrow. And I think I'll probably tell that limo driver story.

[Adam Carolla]

And you got.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I polished it.

[Adam Carolla]

You got Ellen, and of course, Jimmy Kimmel Live, 1206 ABC. Jimmy, thanks, buddy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Thanks, fellas.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Jimmy. We'll talk soon.

[Carson Daly]

See you later.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

All right, bye.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I think that about.

[Carson Daly]

If we had been on, you know, if you, me and Jimmy had been on the phone. Let's say I called you this morning, right? And when I said, hey, let's, you know, dinner tonight, let's see if Jimmy wants.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you.

[Carson Daly]

Let's say you just conference Jimmy in. That's the exact conversation we would have had.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the beauty of Jimmy and the podcast, which is, yes, no bells, no whistles.

[Carson Daly]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

What, no cutting tape?

[Carson Daly]

No, thank God, no.

[Adam Carolla]

What I was saying to Jimmy was it radio started, what, in the teens? In the twenties. And when they would do all those. The Shadow Knows and all that kind of stuff, all those serials from the 40s and 30s, they would physically cut the tape and tape it together.

[Carson Daly]

That was how analog was done. I mean, Butch Vig, who produced many great records, tells great stories of producing Nevermind from Nirvana, right? And the Pumpkins. First record or not the first record, but another one of the records, all done in analog. And, you know, he told me that when he was editing Smells Like Teen Spirit, he was slicing the tape and he had the. The tape over his knee, right? And like, Kurt and the guys would walk in and just be like, what.

[Donnie]

The hell are you doing?

[Carson Daly]

We just recorded this song, and now it's in pieces.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how Jimmy used to do it. And yes, I thought to myself at the time when he was telling me to learn how to cut the tape and splice it together, Fuck this. I'm gonna be a star. I don't want to learn how to do this.

[Carson Daly]

Let me get it right from the get go. And then there's no editing and you don't have to edit anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't think that way. I just thought, why should I learn to edit this tape? I'm Gonna. We're gonna do the man show one day. And another thing was, is, it's 1998. Really? Is this how we're still doing it? Yeah. And like I said, and it didn't change for 75 years. And then poor Jimmy. And you were there, Jimmy, especially just during that couple of years right before the computer came in.

[Carson Daly]

Well, I worked in radio when it was what we were talking about with the carts with CDs and jewel cases where you manually did everything. And we produced our own shows, we got our own music beds. Everything was hands on, and you could manipulate the board, audio mics and the thing that's crazy. And now you don't. When I fill in for, like, Jed the Fish at kroc, which I've been doing a lot recently, it's like walking into NASA. I mean, everything is on the computer now.

[Adam Carolla]

And the thing that's crazy about it is, is you're like, back in my day, you're 36. Back in your day. You know what I'm saying? It was a couple of years ago that this shit went down that way. That's the crazy part. Whereas all the way through the 40s, 50s, 60s, you realize nothing changed for like 40 years.

[Carson Daly]

Well, nothing will change now for the next probably hundred. Because it's so technologically based, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

So like radio from 1931 to radio 1987, probably when the CDs started getting played exactly the same for 55 years or whatever the hell it was, right? And now, boom, that's the computer. All right, well, speaking of the computer, thanks for listening to the. I was gonna call it the Blog. Don't even know how to do that. Thanks for listening to the podcast Kitties. Nice smooth fade in there, Weezer. I want to thank Carson Daly.

[Carson Daly]

Thanks, Ace man.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do we find. You send people who are obviously around their computer to a web address where they can find.

[Carson Daly]

Well, you can go to the site at NBC, the last call site. Just go to NBC.com and you can find it that way. Or you can go to my site. It's CarsonDaly TV. We're on Twitter CarsonJdailey. And that's it. That is my digital imprint.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Jimmy Kimmel. Carson Daly, my good buddy. The Wii saying mahalo.

[Narrator/Host]

All right, that's Adam Carolla Show Episode 45 with Jimmy Kimmel Surprise Skype call. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show 106 featuring Jimmy Kimmel. I'm actually going to run 106 and 107, back to back, they're the same recording session. Donnie split them up into two episodes. They were released separately as two episodes in the feed. Therefore, they cannot be combined and then reduced to one episode because then it destroys the official episode count because the number of recordings actually exceed. Like, right now we're 4,000 plus episodes. There's over 4,200 recordings. So it doesn't really matter. The recordings are always greater than the number of episodes released. But if the episode was in, the RSS feed has to have an official number. So 106 and 107, back to back. Enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Welcome to the podcast. The great Jimmy Kimmel entering his seventh or eighth. Seventh season. Six and a half, where we don't even know anymore.

[Donnie]

We're in the seventh season, but getting closer to the end of the seventh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Six and a half seasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. And they said it wouldn't last.

[Donnie]

They did. They still. They're still saying it.

[Adam Carolla]

I always just tell people late night is sort of like restaurants, which is because people say from time to time, how's Jimmy's show doing? And I say, good. And then I say, but here's how late night TV is. If you're on the air, then you're doing well. Right. It's like opening a restaurant. Restaurants open and close, especially out here, every five minutes. And if you open a restaurant and five years later down the road, you're still at the same place and the lights are on and the doors are open, you're doing well enough. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Unless the restaurant is, like, somebody's wife, a wealthy guy, his wife decides she wanted to open a restaurant and they're actually losing money, but it keeps. Keeps her out of his hair, so he continues to fund it. ABC is not that kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

Yeah. But it's going fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And what's everyone else doing? Because I have no idea.

[Donnie]

I'm number one now.

[Adam Carolla]

You are?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's. So Conan is where?

[Donnie]

He's number, I think 11 now. 11? Yeah, he's number 11. And Letterman's number two. Leno, I think, is still number three, even though he's off the air. Surreal. You know, everyone knows what's going on. Conan took over the Tonight show and Jay Leno's coming on, I think, at the end of next month.

[Adam Carolla]

But how's Conan doing?

[Donnie]

He's doing. He's doing well in the areas that it matters, which is the young demos. That's what they really sell. So that's really the most important thing. People make a big thing over the total viewers. But total viewers doesn't matter as much as, as young viewers do or 18 to 49 year olds.

[Adam Carolla]

And what, what's the deal after 49?

[Donnie]

After 49 you don't exist to the world of advertising.

[Adam Carolla]

But I feel like I spend more money now at 45 than I did at 23.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but once you hit 50, you're gonna stop.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I gotta get spending then.

[Donnie]

Well, I think that people. Well, you know what it is, it's sad. It's not even that they spend. Yeah. It's that they, they set their habits. They know what products they like.

[Adam Carolla]

Use Crest for Life. Right. And if you can get them at 21, then you have them to the.

[Donnie]

Gray or even younger than that. Yeah, right. That's the way it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's the theory at least.

[Donnie]

Yeah, that's the theory. But I think, you know, it's, it has some pretty good, a good track record.

[Adam Carolla]

It does, but I was just talking to a friend of ours, Kevin Hansch, and he's turning his car in. He's turning his Infinity in. And I said, well, what are you going to get? And he said, I'm not sure. And I said, you're going to get another Infinity. And he said, maybe, maybe not. And I know you're going to turn your car in and you'll probably get another car and I'll turn my car in and I'm not going to get the same car. We're a bunch of guys in our early 40s who are going to turn our durable goods, big ticket items in. And we're not, you know, we're not. I'm not an Audi man for life just because I had an Audi. I'll turn it in and get another car.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but I think you're thinking of big ticket items which I think account for a very small percentage of, of television advertising.

[Adam Carolla]

They're talking about deodorant.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Toothpaste and deodorant and soda and beer and those sorts of things that really don't change over the years. Cars change a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to share an embarrassing story that happened to me last, last night that I think you, you'd get some enjoyment out of.

[Donnie]

Okay, good.

[Adam Carolla]

I even made a couple of notes. I went. I was invited to Phil Rosenthal's home yesterday. Yeah, he is the like co creator of Everyone Loves Raymond and evidently just made more money than God. Oh yeah, he's very well, over, over that show or on that show. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Nice guy on the planet. And he invited me over to his house for movie night. He has movie night. What you do when you get rich, by the way, is you have movie night on Sunday night. And he had the guy who makes the pizzas at Matzo or Mezzo Mozza. That, that, that guy was over. Not Mario Vitale, not, not that guy, but one of his guys. And he has a pizza oven in his kitchen and he has the oven designed exactly how it is over at Mozza and he's got the guy who makes it at Mozza and he's just making pizza, pizzas all night. And I, Neil Simon is there.

[Donnie]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Norman Lear is there. Norman Lear, I spoke to for quite some time. Norman Lear just in our conversation dropped that he has a 62 year old daughter and he has 14 year old twins. And my reply was that is a lot of range for a white guy. And then I realized he produced all those black comedies from the, from the 70s. And I thought maybe wouldn't like that line, but.

[Donnie]

Yeah, that is a hunt though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we had a great, we had a nice laugh. I mean, 62. He has a daughter who's 62 and he has 14 year old twins.

[Donnie]

That's ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

It's ridiculous. He seemed like he was sharp and.

[Donnie]

2 year old shouldn't have 14 year old twins.

[Adam Carolla]

A very good point. He's very, he was very. Although I'll be saying 62 when my twins are 13 and a half. You will. No, no, no. So he's very lucid, he's funny. He said it's a full house. There's, there's, there's, there's 25 or 30 people. And we're gonna go into Phil Rosenthal's $1 million theater and we're gonna watch on some 26 foot screen the movie True Romance. I don't know how he picks his movies, but we end up with true.

[Donnie]

Clearly he's run out of films and people to invite.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is. Yeah, certainly with me there, this is. Now this is interesting because Quentin Tarantino wrote it and Tony Scott directed it. And it's got Slater and Patricia Arquette, who by the way, great rack, underrated rack. Everyone focuses on her sister's rack. And solid in this movie too. Dennis Hopper, Val Kilmer, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt. People forgot Brad Pitt was like the stoner Buddy Floyd who was on the couch. Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson was in it also. James Gandolfini, really a young and not so fat, but still kind of fat. James Gandolfini had a pretty big role in the thing. So it's a real all star team.

[Donnie]

For a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

And so here's to Price. Here's where the embarrassing, here's where the embarrassing part comes.

[Donnie]

You masturbate through her wreck.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, it was dark and I was sitting up front and my back was to almost everyone in the house. I'm in there and they say the movie starts at seven and probably end about nine. And then there's an actor named Saul Rubinek who's probably been in like a thousand and one movies. And in the movie or in the theater with you, the guy, the actor Saul Rubinek is in the movie. He plays Lee Donowitz. He plays the producer who's scoring the coke.

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a pretty decent part in the movie. You'd recognize the guy if you saw him. And he is the actor who represents the movie. So when we're done with the movie, he's going to talk about the movie.

[Donnie]

Oh, really? So now they do that every week like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if this goes on every week. But not only if you look at the screen, you, you can go to the bottom, Donnie. And go, go one in from the left. Go right there. Yeah, if you, if you sort of, you sort of see that picture, you'll sort of remember that face anyway.

[Donnie]

Yeah, he looks kind of like us.

[Adam Carolla]

He's there and he's an actor and he's been in a hundred movies. And he's going to talk about what it was like doing the movie True Romance. And that's going to take place after the movie now.

[Donnie]

And we got a special surprise, everyone. Saul Rubinek is gonna be at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

So Saul Ruben, let me show you on IMDb right? So he's there and in the movie as a great. He's great in the movie and he has a nice role in the movie. And here's the problem. I told Dr. Drew I would do Loveline last night. So I have to be there at 10 o', clock, otherwise the show will start without me.

[Donnie]

This means you didn't bring one at the movie night night with you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm going straight from there to there. So I'm. Now the movie starts late, starts about 7, 27, 25. And I'm looking at my little iPhone, looking at the clock on it. And then I'm thinking when the movie's over, I gotta make my break. I'm sitting down low. There's 30 people in this thing. Saul Rubenak is going to do his whole dissertation about what his motivation was to play this horrible Jewey producer. And I need to make my escape. Otherwise I will walk out in the middle of his Q and A or in the middle of his dissertation. And so I'm sitting there and the movie ends and I look at my phone and it's like 9:22. And I think, all right, I gotta make my escape. And as I start to rise up before the credits even roll, he just starts into it. Tony Scott originally contacted me about playing this role. I went in for True Story. Funny story I went in for. And he never shut up, he never took a breath, he never hiccuped. He just galloped through one, one story to the next. And now I'm sitting at the bottom of this thing and I'm staring at my. In my iPhone and it says 9:39. And he doesn't take a break breath, he's just going, he's mowing right any. And everything's like he's halfway into Funny story. True story, true story. So Tony says to me, Tony says with his British accent, Tony says. And then I say to Tony, and I'm realizing I have to stand up now and go, stop. I have to leave. But I'm. I don't want to do it because it's every Norman Lear and a bunch of other famous people are in there. I'm low man on the totem pole. I've never been there before. I'm at the bottom of the thing and there's no escape. I'm just gonna have to stand up and say, stop talking. I have to leave. And no one knows what Loveline is and no one's really gonna understand.

[Donnie]

You can't pretend you're about to explode shit wise or anything like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have grabbed my ass and run for the door. And now I look down at my watch and he's doing this thing where it feels like he's at the end and he's like. And I told Tony Scott to suck it. And there's a pause and I go, go, listen, I have to. And then he said, and now everyone just looked at me. And I said, everyone's just looking at me like, why are you. And I said, I have to leave. And he literally said, I was just about to say the punchline. I was just getting to the punchline. And I said, I don't know, I'm not. It's good. It's a good story. But it's. By the way, this was Sunday night. So it's like, where the are you going? Where do you have to be on a Sunday night at 9:39? And I just kept. I did one of those things where I apologized to everyone and left. And he just kept saying, why do you. I'm right in the middle of a punchline. Why do you have to do this? I don't know.

[Donnie]

This is his big moment and you ruined it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I didn't know. I didn't know what.

[Donnie]

You should send them something.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Donnie]

Send them one of your cars.

[Adam Carolla]

So that was my embarrassing story. I know.

[Donnie]

Be invited back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably.

[Donnie]

Probably. If it makes you feel any better, I was never invited to that. Even though I know Phil and run into him a million times. He probably. You know what? He's probably threatened by my. By my pizza oven and by the fact that I make my own pizzas. I don't hire a guy from Moza to make.

[Adam Carolla]

I told him Jimmy had a pizza oven at his home that was almost the same as this one. And he said, hmm, that was about it.

[Donnie]

I just think I'm getting a pizza oven that it will be beyond compare, really. It's coming next week and there's a guy named Chris Bianco. He's got the greatest pizza place. It's in Phoenix, Arizona. New York Times said it's the best pizza in the United States. And I have to agree. It is absolutely great. And Chris has acquired an oven for me. It's built in Houston, Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

And it's on wheels too. So next time I move, I don't have have to get a whole new oven. In fact, I could probably live in it. I could roll it around if we could hook an engine up to it or something. But it's going to be spectacular.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it made custom or is it just what this company does?

[Donnie]

It's made custom. Yeah, but that's all they do is make. But Chris is crazy. He has to build it to certain. He even built a mini model of it and sent it to me. And it's. The model is made, it's all welded together and he put little fake firewood inside or like just sticks as the firewood and put a little candle in there so I could look and see how it would look when it burns. Yeah, it's beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Too bad it was doused when you jacked off on it. Yeah, it's so weird. It is crazy as human beings. I mean, how kind of Weird and dialed in. We are. I mean, that you can tell the very subtle difference between good pizza and great pizza. Pizza.

[Donnie]

Well, we can, but most people can't. And it's. It's unfortunate. It really is. And the worst people are the ones who think they can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Because if anybody tells me. If somebody tells me a certain pizza is great and I have to try it, I will always try it. I mean, unless it's totally out of reach, I'll try it. And so many times you go. And it's just like. It's not really that good. Like, they just get excited about saying someplace has the best pizza, you know, because it's near them or they discovered it in their mind. They get to tell you about it.

[Adam Carolla]

So they should know you better. Like, they should say, this is mediocre to shitty pizza.

[Donnie]

They don't know themselves is the problem. They don't know themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, was I red in the face when I turned Jimmy on to a place called Domino's that I thought was awesome. And it turned out they were franchised and they were all over the place. It was horrible. And I started seeing the commercials about avoiding the noise. By the way, avoid the noid. Remember that one for dominoes? What was that?

[Donnie]

He died. You know, with Michael Jackson and everything, it really got kind of swept under the rug. But the noid died. Yeah, his. I think his. I think his girlfriend. He was married. Girlfriend may have shot him a few times and then killed himself.

[Adam Carolla]

There's certain things that I'd really like to get to the bottom of. And the avoiding the noid was one of the noid.

[Donnie]

Yeah, that was. That was. You know, those things shouldn't be allowed to just go away. There should be some sort of museum or something dedicated for bad ideas. Yes. Buds Mackenzie and the noid and just things that happened in a big way for a short period of time.

[Adam Carolla]

It would also be nice if. Yes, there should be a museum of popular bad ideas. Yeah, I mean, I would definitely go there before I went to go look at Archie Bunker's chair at the Smithsonian. Funny. At the Smithsonian.

[Donnie]

That's the only thing I'd want to see. It's a chair and Fonzie's jacket.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm just saying there could be a whole museum full of, you know, mood rocks and noids and. Yes.

[Donnie]

Savage Patch Dabini Babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Spuds mackenzie. It's funny, though, if you're at the right age. Like, I remember seeing Spuds Mackenzie when I was, like, 17 and all the hot chicks and Bikinis going, ooh, it's Spuds. And I'm like, wow, man, those chicks really want to screw that dog or something. Like, I was thinking, I wish I was. I wish I was a schnauzer for 10 minutes. I'd really be. I'd be. I'd be nailing all those hot chicks. It kind of. It kind of was a little simpler.

[Donnie]

They were a little bit sexual towards that dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, Spuds is at the party, and they'd be in their bikinis, and they'd get excited, and Spuds would go trucking like he was a student.

[Donnie]

It'd be great to see outtakes of that with him, like, with his nose and their crotches as, you know, humping somebody's leg.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. So now, what were we talking about?

[Donnie]

Oh, I wanted to talk about your booker, Mike August.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Who is a mutual friend. He's probably more my friend than yours. But Mike told you his heroic story, right? His tale of heroes?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure. Yeah. He was. He was driving on the freeway. Drunk driver sideswiped him. He followed him off the freeway.

[Donnie]

Driver then swiped, like, three other cars, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Followed him off the freeway and apprehended the suspect.

[Donnie]

Apprehended the suspect, sat on him until. And called the police with his cell phone. The police arrived, and Mike stood around with the police pretending to be a policeman.

[Adam Carolla]

Afterwards.

[Donnie]

Then I think he had a date. And afterwards. But anyway, I won't get into that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how Mike got the guy out of the car.

[Donnie]

The guy just got out. Because Mike has a haircut like a cop. I mean, look at him. It's like no civilian would ever get that haircut on purpose except for Simon Cowell and Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

So anyway, Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, what got the guy out of the car?

[Donnie]

I ordered him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did he come to a stop? He was blocked in by other traffic. When he got off the freeway, there.

[Donnie]

Was a lot of light, and he couldn't move. I pulled up next to him, ordered him out. He didn't listen. I cut him off with the light turned. He couldn't move.

[Adam Carolla]

And he.

[Donnie]

Before I jerked him out, he got up.

[Adam Carolla]

Asian or Jew? American. What? Yes.

[Donnie]

Can you believe it?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, see, that's why I can never stereotype. I can never stereotype because it's, you know, 90. 90% Jew, 10% Asian. But this. This is a curveball. Mexican guy, drunk driving? Yeah.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Out here in SoCal.

[Narrator/Host]

Yep. No license.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Yeah. What?

[Donnie]

But he was fully insured. Completely not.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See, this is why you can't stereotype. Just when you think you know a group, you don't. And that's why you can't judge. It's impossible to judge. You sound like the arresting officer. So, Mike, Mike, you. You then got your car repainted?

[Donnie]

Yes, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

This I found amusing. Yeah, because you got your car. Well, first off, he went to the Earl of Shine. Yes. And got.

[Donnie]

I had no insurance money to people outside of our area. Don't know about Earl. Shot Earl.

[Adam Carolla]

Shy Earl had a whole bunch of franchisees out here. He's dead now, I'm sure lung cancer. But he. But he.

[Donnie]

His insides were like yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, they're candy apple red. I don't know what. I don't know how far out of California the guy franchise, but I.

[Donnie]

The West Coast.

[Adam Carolla]

I grew up passing signs on the 101 freeway that said, I'll paint any car for 1995. That's how old I am. Nine. And I remember when I was seven thinking, under $20 to paint an automobile. I mean, sure, it's 1973, but that still sounds absolutely amazing to me. And there was a great commercial where Earl Shive would say, this is. In later years, he'd raised his prices. He said, I'll paint any car for 29.99. And then he said, and I'll throw in $10 free body work. $10 free body work. And I. Even as a kid, I thought, $10 free body work means a guy has a ball peen hammer and he goes, I'm gonna hit it once. Now you can to pick where I hit your fender. $10 free body work. What, the 1700s?

[Donnie]

You know, I did that once. I went to like some $99 auto body place in Florida. And. And the great thing is, is you get there and it was at the time, I think, $199 to have your car painted. But since it's so reasonable, you start feeling like a rich guy. You're like, you're looking at the bonus things like, yeah, maybe I'll get the trim done too. And I'll get that extra pressure coating of what you start throwing things around.

[Adam Carolla]

There for another 49 bucks.

[Donnie]

So Mike got his. What year is that Lexus? That is a 2000. A 2000 Lexus with how many miles on it? 94,000 miles. 94,000 miles. Perfect condition. It was not a perfect condition.

[Adam Carolla]

It left the factory. Silver. Yes. And you went to the Earl and got. Got it painted. What color? Lamborghini Orange. Now that was for you. Adam, couple things about when you go to the Earl and get a car painted, it's sort of like going to the Sizzler and ordering lobster. Not a good move. There's no such thing as a good four dollar lobster tail. It just there just isn't. And all you can eat salad bar. Like it's, it's impossible. The math doesn't work. So when you go to Earl Scheib, you have to paint your car the same color it was when it left the factory. Because then they won't effort up the jams around the doors and under the hood.

[Donnie]

A little comes off.

[Adam Carolla]

You won't see. You won't see it. But it's mainly about the details. What think about it. When you open a car door, you see the rubber, you see the jam around it, you have all the latches, all that stuff.

[Donnie]

They didn't get that part. Oh yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So immediately when you open the hood or the car door, you can tell the car was painted.

[Donnie]

Basically what it is is, you know the car washers, you put like A$25 and instead of water, they have paint in there, right? And you drive through, you, you roll down the window so that, so you can still see and, and then you come out with a new paint job. But it actually looks pretty good. The problem is in a month it will look terrible. But that has actually, believe it or not, that has nothing to do with the story that I'm about to tell.

[Adam Carolla]

The only Lexus on the planet that's burnt Lamborghini orange, right? Absolutely.

[Donnie]

And people have commented. Does that mean. Yes, I'm sure they have. They say, say, is that a factory color? That looks fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

It should be. If you shit yourself and walk around with a traffic cone on your head, people will comment. You understand? Comment isn't necessarily a good thing.

[Donnie]

Nice cone on your head. What color is that? Lamborghini orange, as a matter of fact.

[Adam Carolla]

So this leads us to.

[Donnie]

So as Mike is telling me this story, and it's especially great because Mike, things don't go right for Mike in general. Mike is lead. Whatever the opposite of a charmed life is, has let it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but he doesn't know they're not going right. Only society knows.

[Donnie]

Well, he would be completely unaware of it if it weren't for us. But luckily we're here to remind him all the time that I mean, he essentially lives in a prison in a prison cell. Adam, you must, must, must go to his apartment because you will talk about it for the next like.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I Knew. I knew it was smart. Small. When he said he bought. When he bought something.

[Donnie]

Yeah, well, normal. You know, normally people say condo. They say to kind of up the elevate themselves. Like if you walk into this place, I would say apartment. Because then people. Oh, he's only renting.

[Adam Carolla]

They were converted from apartments.

[Donnie]

He bought it because there was a guy with an arrow standing on the corner really pointing. He bought from one of the arrow, a house from the arrow guy. I kicked him out. Yeah, so anyway, Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, by the way, can I say this quickly. Sorry, a little hit there. Can I say this quickly about the guy with the arrow? You know, they hire the guy with the arrow and the guy turns into an acrobat. He's spinning the arrow all over the place. I would tell him, take it easy because three quarters of the time the arrow is facing up. It's facing the ground, it's facing the other direction. It's so blurry. It looks like the fucking prop of a DC Whatever. I can't tell. Looks like a. It looks like a helicopter blade.

[Donnie]

Like average the whole neighborhood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, imagine if you were trying to advertise just Coca Cola, but you put on thing and you spun it around so fast that no one could read Coca Cola.

[Donnie]

And it's supposed to be pointing at something.

[Adam Carolla]

It's pointing at the ground more than it's pointing toward the condos. I would argue it's pointing toward other condos that aren't yours, that someone else is trying to sell more than it's pointing to yours. And I can't read it, so. Slow down.

[Donnie]

Yeah, maybe that should happen, Mike. Oh, $399,000 dollars for these condos and he wound up in the wrong place. Expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be a good bit of your show. By the way. Why. Why is it only condos? It's a big ticket item. Why is it only. Why is this only real estate? Like, why. Why couldn't a funeral home have one of these guys? You know what I mean? Why couldn't why couldn't a market. Why couldn't any. You know, why couldn't a gynecologist have one of these guys?

[Donnie]

You know what I mean? Mostly real estate.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems all the kind.

[Donnie]

It seems like a very. It just. It just seems like a foolish way to buy a home.

[Adam Carolla]

But if I have all I like. Like, it's funny because you'd go, if someone. If there was a dentist that had a black homeless guy holding a styrofoam arrow, you'd go, I'm not Going to that dentist. But you'd be better off going to that dentist than you would dropping 250k on a condo.

[Donnie]

I'm just saying, if dropping $250,000 on $150,000 condo.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Now it's 150. Why? I'm just.

[Donnie]

It was 150 then. I got news for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I would love to see the gynecologist. You should be raped in there.

[Donnie]

I mean, really like he should be. You should hire a shaved head black guy to rape you in that place to make you feel more. I've lost so much money on that condo I'll never be able to sell. You should put a plaque on this chair. Because I think people just think it's a chair right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

And it is the actual from the man show set. The probably more significant, I think, than Archie Bunker's chair in this.

[Adam Carolla]

In many ways. Yes.

[Donnie]

To a younger generation, there should be something commemorating that.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yes, the chair from the man show. The actual chair from the man show sits here in our. In our. In our studio. And actually you. You can tell it's a actual movie chair because there's a piece of three quarter inch plywood that sits under the pillow to make it less comfortable. Yes. And that's what they do in all. Jimmy's. Jimmy all time. Whenever you sit down on the sofa, when you're being interviewed on any of these shows or Jimmy's show, first thing you feel is that bump of that plywood. They don't want you sinking in and relaxing.

[Donnie]

We actually leave a nail sticking up through too, so you don't get too relaxed. All right, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Donnie]

I don't want to get off track.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to torture Mike.

[Donnie]

Okay, so here's what happened. So Mike tells me the story and I'm amazed because nothing has ever come out right. For Mike and for him to capture a criminal, it's amazing. You know, I mean, it's just so. It's just so the opposite of everything you know about him. So immediately when he told me the story, I started thinking about how I could capitalize on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Donnie]

And here's what I did. I wrote first, I tried to get some stationery from the city of Burbank, which I was unable to do. So I went online and I found stationary, some logo from Burbank. And I found the logo and I had it made into stationery. And I wrote him this letter and I mailed this letter to him. And now I waited for it to get to his house. And I went to great detail writing this letter. I found out the name of the assistant to the mayor of the city of Burbank. I got a telephone number and an 818 number. I had my son actually switch his cell phone over to a message that said, you've reached Karen Sellers at the Burbank Payers off office, blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I say this quickly for those of you who aren't familiar with the Burbank stationary. The letterhead has a picture of a.

[Narrator/Host]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's a drawing of a taxpayer holding his pockets out empty and a motorcycle cop butt him.

[Donnie]

Yeah, with the chilies in the background.

[Adam Carolla]

With the chilies in the background.

[Donnie]

Don't you call it rape bank?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Rape bank. So. So not only did Jimmy get this official stuff made up, but he. He actually took his son's cell phone and had it used as the assistant to the mayor.

[Donnie]

I put the number. I put. And so now I videotaped Mike when he came into my office because I knew he would come into the office, and I made him read the letter to me, and I act surprised. Now, keep in here. Keep in mind, this is me being an asshole, pretending to be surprised by this, But I'm going to put my microphone up to it so everyone can hear, and then we'll put the video on, too.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can go to AdamCarolla.com and see the video.

[Donnie]

Here we go. Now. This is now Adam. You can see what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Let me put on the volume. Sorry. Sorry. Everyone out there in podcast land, Can.

[Adam Carolla]

I say this quickly about Jimmy and his prank? His prank Gene, There's a couple things. There's a couple things you get with guys are playing pranks. Usually you get dumb guys, and dumb guys aren't very good at pranks. Or you get smart guys, but they're not very busy. Jimmy is really smart and really busy. So you think a he could be diabolical and do all these pranks, but who's going to take the time to fuck with a guy when he has to do a show and he's working on a monologue and he's going to interview the Lakers tonight and so on and so forth. So you sort of check Jimmy off the prank list because he has such a crazy schedule. Why would he take this time to do the things that he does?

[Donnie]

It's part of how I camouflage myself. But I did this. And here, enjoy. Here's Mike coming into my office at work with his letter from the Mayor of Burbank. Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Now.

[Donnie]

What is this? Mike just brought this in. I have been named the Citizen of the Month for the city of Burbank, otherwise known as Rape Bank Girl. I'm just. Read it aloud. Read it aloud.

[Adam Carolla]

Major. Mayor. Mayor Gary Brick, B R, I, C.

[Donnie]

I mean, this is the mayor tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Please inform me that you've been selected as Burbank Citizen of the month for June 2009.

[Donnie]

Criteria is someone who respects others, helpful and considerate, helps themselves, obeys and respects.

[Adam Carolla]

The law, loves their country.

[Donnie]

I like that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Contributes to community in positive ways. Commemorate your efforts to identify and distribute. Dang. Carlos Portillo. That was the unfortunate drunk that pulled over Mayor Briggs. Chosen on you the official certificate naming.

[Donnie]

You Burbank Citizen of the Month.

[Adam Carolla]

The presentation ceremonies been scheduled for 10:15.

[Donnie]

Friday, June 12th at the.

[Adam Carolla]

That's this Friday? Yeah. Family guests are welcome to attend.

[Donnie]

Burbank leader will be present to photograph this event. Congratulations on this one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Dessert.

[Donnie]

Oh, this is awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna be in the Burma Leader. I'm not kidding. I'm not showing up. Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

Oh, you kidding?

[Adam Carolla]

We got to go. Oh. Oh, you're going to come? Absolutely. Are you kidding me? If you'll come, I'll go.

[Donnie]

I will definitely go.

[Adam Carolla]

That's this Friday.

[Donnie]

This Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we don't have a shot, do we?

[Donnie]

We might. It depends on Lakers. I don't care if we have a show or not, we're going 15am Friday, June 12th. All right, so that's basically. You get the gist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

So now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the idea shows a ton of interest. It's time to be suspicious.

[Donnie]

Not even slightly.

[Adam Carolla]

When I. When he was telling me to call Natalie Mains back from the Dixie Chick, she's like, you gotta call her. You have to call her and you have to call her now.

[Donnie]

But imagine this, though, because I want to be in the Natalie Maine's business, though. You don't even think of that. I want to be in the Citizen.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the Month business.

[Donnie]

I try to look at it like this, though. It's that if Mike really was being presented with the Citizen of the Month award in Burbank, you know, there's no way I would miss it. I would be. I would be so on top of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It all makes sense, too.

[Donnie]

I mean, register. Okay, so.

[Adam Carolla]

So Mike, at this point, you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you've been named Citizen of the Month.

[Donnie]

I didn't even. Didn't even question legitimacy because it seems plausible.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yes, you're A hero. Yes, exactly.

[Donnie]

I had a typewritten out.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing the struggle is he.

[Donnie]

Put the name of the guy in it. I'm like, that's kind of humiliating to the guy. Why would the mayor put the actual guy in it? I wanted to have as much detail, but it was authentic. I know. You mentioned it to me just in passing one time, and I wrote everything down as I heard you mention it. So that way I want to have the details.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm still reeling. The guy's name was Carlos. A Jewish guy named Carlos Portillo.

[Donnie]

So anyway, Mike, now that I gather a crowd, you know, and everybody knows what's going on. But my. My hope is that we all go to Burbank and Mike Prout is there, and he steps up to the counter and he says, I'm here to receive my citizen of the book award.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Donnie]

And they go, excuse me. He says, yeah. And hopefully maybe he even brings the letter, you know, where he's like, here, I have a letter from the mayor. And they go, I'll be right back. And they go get the mayor's assistant. Maybe the mayor even comes out. And Mike's trying to explain that he said. And then Mike turns around and looks at me, and I'm laying on the ground laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it'd also be awesome if someone just came in and said, there's a burnt orange Lexus being towed right now. It fell off when we're towing it. Oh, okay.

[Donnie]

So month. That was Monday, and the presentation is on Friday. And now I have my son's phone number because it's 818 changed to a recording. I say, if Mike August calls you, you do not answer the phone. If you get a call from an unidentified number, you do not answer the phone. You let it go to voicemail, and then when they leave a message, you call me. And then I'll have my fake Karen Sellers call him back. So this is great. And I test my son.

[Adam Carolla]

Who would have been your fake.

[Donnie]

Throughout the week?

[Adam Carolla]

Who would have been your fake assistant to the mayor?

[Donnie]

Oh, we had a whole. A whole lineup of people at work, so whoever was around at the time. So anyway, we. Throughout the week, we were. I'm gathering people and stuff, and Mike doesn't call to confirm. And I'm testing my son. I call him right from unidentified lines, and he doesn't answer. And he's.

[Adam Carolla]

And each time, going right to voice.

[Donnie]

Each time I go, congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the kind of thing, by the way, that makes it official. That's all you need, you need call that number one time. Get the. You've reached a mayor's office. This is assistant Karen. And it's done, right? Right, right.

[Donnie]

That's what I don't hear from them. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. By Thursday I know Jimmy's coming. He's put emails out. I got people coming to me all week congratulating me on the citizen of the week thing. People said I'm coming, I'm coming. Citizen of the month. Citizen of the month, right. So by Thursday I'm like, you know what? This is happening. I've never heard from the Burbank office. Mayor's reached out the Burbank leaders coming. It's odd that I haven't confirmed with them. Thursday afternoon, Mike calls my son Kevin's phone. I call the number in the body. My office, right? And so it shows up on his phone as dad, right? And he answers the phone. Hey dad. And Mike goes, excuse me, I'm looking for Karen Sellers. And Kevin gets nervous, nervous and hangs up. And the next call, which Kevin lets to go to voicemail is Mike and the actual Karen Sellers on a three way party line. She's like, hi, this is Karen Sellers. She just heard her own voice, her own name on the message. Hi, this is Karen Sellers and please call me. And Mike's like, well this is. And she's like, well this is very strange. And like they're like kind of like laughing about it on the telephone. Now I know that the jig is up, but Mike doesn't come and tell me. So now I know, I know. Now I know Mike has a double cross plant. I'm so, I'm like, I'm bummed that it got ruined. But now I know Mike is up to something.

[Adam Carolla]

The warmest turn.

[Donnie]

And so the night before Thursday night, I'm busting Mike's balls because I said, oh, it's gonna be a big thing tomorrow, huh? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He can barely contain his like his.

[Adam Carolla]

Annoyance with me, right?

[Donnie]

And so I know something's gonna. So I call everyone. I say don't go to. He thinks everyone's meeting at 10:50, right? I said do not go to the Burbank mayor's office.

[Adam Carolla]

Well wait a minute now Mike, how do you know that Jimmy doesn't know? Because the Kevin hang up situation should have alerted you that Jimmy knew it did.

[Donnie]

Well of course I knew that he, that Kevin had to then go to Jimmy and say hey, you did call. Well then how would you. Why would you even try to go through with this plan. What do you think I'm a dope? Well, I don't know that. I don't know what your plan was for that morning. I didn't know if you had it all elaborately set up. So Mike goes. So I don't let on that I know. Mike goes. At 8 o', clock, he gets there early. Supposed to be there for 10 to go to the police department.

[Adam Carolla]

I go to the Burbank police.

[Donnie]

The ceremony's attend. Adam, you will love this. He tries to get the police to arrest me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my big plan. I'm just glad I finally know. We're at daughter Katie's graduation a couple weeks ago. I'm just glad I know why you backhanded Kevin in front of everyone that way. First I thought, wow, that seems kind of harsh. I. I didn't know what it was for. Now I realize he screwed up on the phone.

[Donnie]

So Mike goes to. Who do you start with? I start with the sergeant at the desk who gets me to the press officer.

[Adam Carolla]

Press officer loves it. Thanks.

[Donnie]

It's true. I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I said Kimmel's coming here.

[Donnie]

I don't know what his ultimate plan is, but I'm guessing he's going to fake a ceremony. He may have an actor playing the. This is totally, by the way, what I suspected he was going to do. This is the first thing, I guess. So I go to Kai, say, let's fake arrest him. Take him down for misappropriating Burbank documents using city.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever you can throw at him.

[Donnie]

Just cuff him and take him out. It'll be fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy, he loved it.

[Donnie]

Of course now he's got to get his captain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Donnie]

So we wait hours. Goes on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

This is like 8am By 9:15, we finally get the captain. Captain wants no part of this foolishness. Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I am literally turned out.

[Donnie]

Thrown out on the street.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have used your Marlee Mantlin connection. Her old man, her husband is like captain of the Burbank pd Or at least pretty high up there. Oh, I know. Because when I did Dancing with the Stars, he yelled at me for talking crap about the Burbank PD for before. Before the show started.

[Donnie]

So then Mike. So the mic then decided to just go wait at the thing for me to show. Show up ground zero at 10:15. And then I didn't come. And at 10:23 I get a call. He realizes he's been double duped. Very funny. You got me. I'm sitting there in the middle of city hall. Nothing can you imagine what if the cops had said, okay, we'll do it. And I get a whole, like, detail of cops and then they don't show. Mike, they would have pummeled me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

Mike told this girl he's like, going out with, like, yeah, I'm getting. I'm seeing citizen of the month. She sends me. How did the Citizen of the month ceremony go? You know, to explain.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have that? I mean, Donnie and I know the Citizen of the year in Santa Monica.

[Donnie]

That's what made me think of it. Is your friend who. Who is named citizen. That was the year of the month.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the year. It was a year stopped a rape. He was citizen of the year in Santa Monica.

[Donnie]

He finished a rape.

[Adam Carolla]

It was insane. Because this guy is more devious than anybody we've met and closer to a criminal than anyone we've met.

[Donnie]

I mean, by closer you mean is a criminal.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. Donnie, stop me if I'm lying. He was asked to leave the Navy for beating a commanding officer with a shoe. Yes. To be fair to the Navy, it was a creeper. It was a large shoe. And to be fair to our friend Dave, the guy was out of uniform, so he didn't know he was a commanding officer. He just knew. He was on the payphone too long at the bar. And I remember to get off the phone.

[Donnie]

I remember you having a major fight with him because he was eating all your Tylenol pm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He stole all my drugs and was watching porn in Adam's house while Adam was at work. Oh, was ordering. Is it Ozzy? Yeah.

[Donnie]

Let's not talk about that. Donnie, why would you bring that up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Especially sitting in the throne. So.

[Donnie]

His wife is here today.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole reason the guy got. The whole reason the guy. Now the guy's. A few. A couple famous stories. He. My favorite is the burrito story. Oh, yeah. We tried to steal a burrito from 7 11. Yeah. It's like put it in the microwave too long, shoved it down his pants. He destroyed the store.

[Donnie]

He was drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Walking home, he decides he's going to get a burrito because it's like 1, 2 in the morning. So he goes and gets two burritos, microwaves. Both realizes he has money for only one burrito. So he's going to pay for the one burrito. He's at the counter and he had just microwaved both of them. He took one burrito, stuck it in his pants, and the other one, he goes to the counter and he's about to pay for it. And he Just screams bloody murder. Because the other burrito glued itself to his stomach. And they. He ripped the burrito off of his stomach, and he had a spreed stripe, of course, on his stomach. And he just went running out of the seven. He had had a restraining order. His neighbor had a restraining order against him, which. Restraining order. Many multiple restraining orders. And he had a bunch of warrants for parking tickets. So he parked his car down the alley because he didn't like to park it. That's how it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't warrant. The Domino's pizza guy would not deliver to his house anymore. So he would call Domino's still late at night, but he would give a false address that was two blocks away from his house because that's the only way he'd get the pizza guy to.

[Donnie]

Deliver, because he'd stop.

[Adam Carolla]

He'd ruined his relationship with Domino. The noid had said enough. So he went to go get his pizza, and while he went to go get this pizza, two blocks away, he heard some woman in a bush going, no, no, please stop. Don't do it. And he stopped a rape from occurring. The guy was just out of prison six months. He was. He was in prison for rape for what, 20 years? Two years. Yeah, that. By the way, prison does not rinse rape out of you. No, it actually infuses more rape into you.

[Donnie]

It's like going to graduate school. Like rape graduates.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're going to get a doctorate. Yeah.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, infinite. Really like that idea of. You know what? Sitting Here in this 6x9 concrete cell.

[Donnie]

Is really Mike's apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

Sitting in Mike's apartment.

[Donnie]

I mean, condo. I'm sorry. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Follow the arrows that strained all the rape out of me. I'm ready to head back into society and just start paying taxes.

[Donnie]

Can't wait to get out there and not rape.

[Adam Carolla]

Not rape.

[Donnie]

Start not raping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. So.

[Donnie]

But anyway, this guy was citizen of the.

[Adam Carolla]

He was citizen. Sorry. He was citizen of the year. He was the year. By the way, I got videotape of the award. He climbed. He's a guy who climbed underneath his apartment building, hacked into his elderly neighbor's cable, and teed off into his TV so he could have free. Free cable. He's a guy who had the cops called on him for playing his headphones too loud in his apartment while he was drunk. Headphones that. Not speakers. Headphones. The cops were called on him. And I think. Although I think his buddy Bill got popped on this one. It wasn't him. He's. He's the one who called the two hookers over, got into the fight with the. Got into the fight with the pimp, called the cops, and the other hooker showed up while the cops were there.

[Donnie]

Something. I think that was a different guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I just love the idea that the. That the Domino's guy wouldn't deliver to his house any. To his apartment anymore, and he. He had to park his car somewhere else. Anyway, the great thing you'll love about him being citizen of the year, who bestows the award to him? Kent McCord. Kent McCord from Adam 12. Because that's what you do, right? You get the guy who played a cop on a 70s TV show to hand this guy.

[Donnie]

I'll tell you something. I did an LAPD Reserves benefit dinner last month, and it was me and the guy who played the sergeant. Police Academy, of course. It was great. Those Police Academy guys are real. I mean, like, I imagine they never get a ticket. They never get arrested, because that really. That hit home.

[Adam Carolla]

Every. I mean, every cop has to have seen Police Academy, right?

[Donnie]

Eric Estrada, the guy who played Ponch, and everyone in Police Academy. These are people that are immune to.

[Adam Carolla]

The law, I would imagine. I would imagine now, as the years wear on, you get a. You know, a new generation of cop comes in and you don't. I'd like to know the number one get out a ticket gig. I gotta tell you, man show somewhere not cop is number one. Man show is somewhere on that list. Because I've gotten a couple of man show free passes. I gotta be. I gotta be honest. I don't know what's at the top. I don't know what's at the bottom. But yes, playing a cop on tv, more than Dancing with the Stars, Sipowitz has probably gotten out of a few. Yeah, I would say. Anybody? Anybody. I'm trying to. Oh, you know. You know, probably gets the biggest pass. John. What's his name from America. Well, T.J. hooker from America's Most Wanted.

[Donnie]

I'm in. An actual hooker. John Walsh. Oh, John Walsh.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like Walsh.

[Donnie]

Your federal law enforcement authorities are standing by.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Donnie]

Brave men and women of the law. Yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Although I did talk to a guy who did Cops. One of the executive producers of Cops.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Got popped for dui.

[Donnie]

Well, he wasn't recognizable, so.

[Adam Carolla]

But he told the guy, hey, by the way, I do. And the guy's like, ts.

[Donnie]

Yeah. I don't know why they allowed. I mean, I love Cops. I really do. I go watch. I know you don't like it, but I go watch it 25.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love that show.

[Donnie]

You used to not like it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I get depressed. I do. I feel bad for everyone who's in it, but I still enjoy it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It?

[Donnie]

Yeah, I don't have that kind of empathy.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when the guys fight. No, I like when the chicks fight. I like anytime when people do crap in front of cops. Like, I like when there's three or four cops and cameras and cameras and cops, and they have their billy clubs drawn and everything, and they've separated the two chicks who are fighting on the front lawn drunk on the fourth of July. And they separate them, and at some point, one of them lunges at the chick again with all the cops and the cameras there.

[Donnie]

You know what, Joe? I really.

[Adam Carolla]

Animal than person.

[Donnie]

What's more interesting to me is how they get these people to sign the releases. Because, like, we would do comedy bits that were perfectly harmless and we couldn't get people's eye, yet these people are on camera beating their wives or.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I think it's street cred, though. But do they. What? Really? I mean, listen, I saw. I don't know. First off, I don't. I. I want to do a show just called Dash Cam, where it's everything. It's all filmed from a dash cam. Even though it's a sitcom, it's just on a dashboard.

[Donnie]

Sorry, picking my nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, how does this work? Because I've seen episodes of Cops or not even Cops. Just like America's Dumbest Criminals, where they do that thing where they go, well, somebody's gonna go to the who's gal tonight. And this fella's the number one candidate. And some chick gets out of her car. It's all filmed from the dash cam. She's, you know, 35, she's sloppy drunk. And the officer's like, ma', am, I need you to take a breathalyzer. And she's like, hey, big boy, how about, you know, I just go down on you and we settle it old west style? And he's like, ma', am, I don't think you can do that. And she's like, come on, let me just pleasure you. And I'm thinking, well, is there any way she signed off? She mother of two remarried. You know what I mean?

[Donnie]

For that, you don't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Donnie]

I think there's a presumption that, you know, there's a dash cam, but at that point, a good police officer will go turn the car around. Hold on a Second, let me just. I'm back the wrong way if I just see traffic.

[Adam Carolla]

If I were a cop, I would travel with a gun, a billy club, and a can of shaving cream. So I could do that move they do in all the bank movies from the 80s where they take the shave shaving cream and they put it over the bank camera. They always miss the part where the camera watches them go to the camera. And you might think, oh, it's awesome, because normally the camera shoots the guy's back from 30ft away, but now we have his face in the camera putting.

[Donnie]

The shave cream deodorant is another one. You know, the spray deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's you asking to perform oral sex on a cop by the side of a road in Mississippi.

[Donnie]

No, no, this is not me. This was not me.

[Adam Carolla]

But you would never sign off on that.

[Donnie]

No, I don't think you have to, though. But I would like. The show I'd like to see is people getting the cops the release episodes. Because I can't imagine how persuasive must these people be. Like, we'd love to get you and your children on. Well, what we want to do is we want to show this the part where you shoved your son's head in the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

And encourage that and that. We'd like to get that on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

I think people will find you swinging a baseball bat at your neighbor's mailbox in your underpants. Humorous. I don't think it's offensive. Really funny. I don't think they're laughing at you. I think they're laughing with you. No different than. Well, I mean, did you see that movie the Hangover? That was a funny movie. There was all kinds of outrageous situations going on there. I feel like this is just an extension of that.

[Donnie]

They must put the release under the pile of paper you have to sign when you get fingerprinted. And it must be just in the pile there because there's no re. There's no good reason to sign that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I really. I see. I always figured if it was cop related, it was somehow public domain. But I can't figure out what the difference between you need a release for versus you don't need a release for. I mean, if you're. Now, if you're a public figure, you don't need a release. I mean, if TMZ wants to just. Just film you coming down your driveway or walking through lax, you don't need to release.

[Donnie]

There some reason. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And isn't there some Municipal whatever. That if, you know, you're in a, you know, like, you don't need to sign a release if you're in the middle of a high speed pursuit and there's a news copter over you. Right. We get to put that right on tv.

[Donnie]

Yes, that's news. Yeah, you can do anything new in the name of news.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we could wax on forever with the great Jimmy Kimmel, but I have a plan. How about we make this a two parter?

[Donnie]

It's unorthodox, but I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we'll sign out. This will be the end of part one, and you can join us for part two tomorrow. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Jimmy Kimmel saying mahalo. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Welcome to the podcast and welcome to part two.

[Donnie]

I don't like that. I don't have any choice but to get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a mandate. You have to get it on.

[Donnie]

Seems like I should have some choice in that.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not uptight, are you, dude?

[Donnie]

Well, you know, I just, I'd like to at least be wooed.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Do we have a Skype call, by the way, Donnie? Yes, we do. Hang on. The first one's gonna be Peter. And see Peter. This is gonna be for Jimmy. Hang on a sec.

[Donnie]

Okay, so don't talk during this, Adam. This is just for me.

[Adam Carolla]

I always, I always sit on my tongue. Hey, Peter, are you there? Yes, yes, I got Adam and Jimmy on the line. Oh, cool. Ask your question.

[Donnie]

Oh, we can't see him though, huh? Yeah, ask your quest. It's a good time saver, Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of buttons and things being pushed here. I can't speak at the same time.

[Donnie]

Yeah, my question was, was what's like the main difference between the east coast.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy scene and the west coast comedy scene? I'll take that.

[Donnie]

And where does Jimmy stand in this.

[Adam Carolla]

Battle of east coast west coast comedians?

[Donnie]

Well, I didn't know there was one and I couldn't give a shit less. I don't know about these comedians. I do a television show. I don't go to those God forsaken comedy club who's battling where is there a battle?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I would just say like the.

[Donnie]

Scenes between it, like guys like Letterman and Stern and even like David Cross, like, they seem more like close cutting.

[Adam Carolla]

And forthright, whereas like stuff out here.

[Donnie]

Is more towards like, Peter, you should be using the Internet for what God intended. And that's masturbating. And being quiet. This is the worst question we've ever had, Tony. This is the worst question.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst. Yeah. We need to find better quests.

[Donnie]

And this is the only question I've ever had on your Skype, but it's still the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

I got one question for you, Donnie. What makes you think this is a good question? The real question here, it's not East Coast, West Coast. It's East Coast, west coast versus the middle of the country. It's all the get er dones and all the blue collar and all that kind of stuff. That's probably where the battle is Most the comedians I speak do. They don't have a problem between east coast and West Coast. They can't stand the idea that Larry the Cable guy made $35 million last year. That's more the issue for most of the comedians I know.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right on. All right, thank you. Thanks for question. Great question.

[Donnie]

See, this is the problem with the Skype being free, because if there is some sort of. If there's a charge of some kind, you get a higher class of. I mean, nobody's gonna waste their time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Donnie]

Nobody's gonna pay to ask about the imaginary battle between east coast and west coast comedy. Is there somebody else? Yeah, let's go with it's complicated, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Danny?

[Donnie]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Danny? Danny, you there? Are you up here?

[Donnie]

Oh, no. He is doing what I suggested to Peter.

[Adam Carolla]

Danny, hi.

[Donnie]

I just wanted to ask Jimmy what he thought. Jimmy, Anna, Adam, what you thought of.

[Adam Carolla]

The south park episode that made fun of Family Guy. Oh, where are you calling from? Australia.

[Donnie]

Wow, that's crazy. Well, I didn't actually see it. I know a little bit about it, though. My brother worked on South Park. He was a writer there, and I know that. And I've spoken to Matt and Trey about it because I think that. I think they're, you know, they're a little hard on the Family Guy show, but I don't think it's for the reasons most people think they are. I think they're hard on the show because they get sick of people. Whenever people come up to them, they say, oh, I love your show, and Family Guy, you know, and that's the sort of thing that when you hear it a thousand times, it gets to be annoying. Especially when you were there first.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or even worse, they'll. And this probably happens a lot where people come up and they go to do the voice of Stewie, and you go, I'm not that guy. I'm this guy. Which happens in our business as well, not as much, but I bet there's a handful. I bet twice a week somebody comes up and thinks they're one of the family guys.

[Donnie]

I bet they don't. But I would like people to start doing that though. It would be funny.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be nice. Yeah. So I didn't see the episode either, what happened in it. They just basically said that cutaways and that kind of thing is just cheap and easy and. Yeah, they didn't like it. It's a two parter. It's quite a long. Well, you know the thing, the thing about the family guys, it is cheap and it is easy and it. But if you're laughing, you're laughing. I mean it's just, it's funny. It's like the kind of stuff you couldn't get away with if you're doing live action in a weird way, just doing animation in its own way can be a cop out because you can do so much stuff that you just, just couldn't do with live action. And they do that quick just cutaway stuff on the Family Guy where they do just quick episode of the Jetsons or something and George Jetson smacks Trudy and you laugh and you go, that's cheap and easy. Then you go, but I'm laughing, so who cares? Should I? By the way, whether it's a fart or it's David Cross doing something smart from New York. If you're laughing, you're laughing.

[Donnie]

Yeah, my dad has, my dad is now 60 like 3 years old and all this weekend just farting in areas where people were trying to converse and laughing. It's really, it's not, not gotten old at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I, by the way, something has changed in my flora and or fauna where my farts smell now and with some regularity. Yeah, they do.

[Donnie]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And I have had the opposite, honestly, like, like 95. I farted seven times in a row in short trumpet like bursts this morning and then about 30 seconds later, three more in a row. And I was so bummed that I was the only one to witness it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the doves were released, but.

[Donnie]

There was no smell really.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, you know, they say you can be allergic to things or you can be unallergic to things. Like in like seven year cycles, like your body changes. Something has happened in me and my problem is I got cocky with my asshole and I got like just sort of.

[Donnie]

A lot of people have cocky with their asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

I got very, I got overly confident with my asshole and I was at Bald Brian's wedding two weekends ago, and my wife and I were out on the dance floor and we were dancing around and I was farting as I was out in the dance floor, because normally I just. I'm just farting away. The music's loud, no one can hear me fart. Except for my wife was like, hey, man, what's going on? And I'm like, what? I fart all. You can't hear it. And she goes, no, it stinks. And I'm like, this is the pitfall of growing up having farts that don't really smell. Donnie, you remember. You remember back when my farts didn't smell and now they're bad. I wasn't drinking as much red wine and eating as many steaks though back then maybe. Maybe the diet was better.

[Donnie]

Some things happen like that. Like there was a time where I was picking my nose in the car a lot, and it's really kind of tailed off.

[Adam Carolla]

I ran out of boogers, but I still picked just out of habit. Donnie, do you have a. Do you have another Skype call?

[Donnie]

One more left here. You can just jump to the next one when we.

[Adam Carolla]

So your farts have lost some of their potency. Yeah. Maybe my asshole stole some of your asshole's thunder.

[Donnie]

It is possible that maybe the bacteria. You know, I was sitting at your house and maybe the bacteria escaped and then re infested your asshole. That's probably what happened. We should get Dr. Oz on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

I got Julian on the phone right now. Julian, you there? He's got a question for Adam.

[Donnie]

Julian, are you a doctor?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a doctor.

[Donnie]

Are you underwater?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Hello? Can you hear me?

[Donnie]

Yeah, we can hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

Barely. Okay.

[Donnie]

This is like the greatest moment in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a question in some advice later, if you could give it to me.

[Donnie]

Okay. Speak through your snorkel though, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, the question is, do you guys like old movies from like 20s, 30s and 40s, like WBC Steel, Charlie Chaplin, Mark Brothers, stuff like that? I normally don't watch any of those movies. Once in a while you'll see a documentary or a short or something on WC Fields, and you'll see him doing his tricks with the shoe boxes and stuff and you'll go, wow, that guy's a really talented guy. Like he was a really talented vaudevillian performer. But no, generally don't have any appreciation.

[Donnie]

I did tell my ex wife that I loved old movies and part of the lying process to get her to have sex with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, somehow loving old movies is important.

[Donnie]

Yeah, she's like, oh, I love. Almost like. Yeah, me too. You know, like war games, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we don't really love Tom's a Horseman. We don't love old movies that much. Okay. And the advice is, before school ended, I was in front of the whole school in the auditorium and I told this story and it was like, funny story. And someone just told me if I could go to their party and do stand up. And now I'm basically, like, scared of shitless. But I kind of want to do it because I really like comedy. Do you have any advice?

[Donnie]

Well, where do you live?

[Adam Carolla]

I live in. Close to Culver City.

[Donnie]

In Culver City?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Oh, yeah. Well, so you live in the LA area? Well, yeah. Try it out and see if you like it. Do you have a girlfriend?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have a girlfriend. I just have to go out to the movies and I'm just waiting.

[Donnie]

How long you been waiting?

[Adam Carolla]

Basically all night. I've been watching, like, 80s movies. The movie was Dan and Real Life, so it's been a couple of years. But she's gonna get back to him. Well, she went away for Blu Ray.

[Donnie]

Well, that's a good way. You know, I find that a lot of guys in comedy, they will do it a lot, and they get really good when they're. They're doing it to pick up girls, so they'll go from club to club and they'll kind of, you know, like, get a lot of spots in. And then when they wind up with a girlfriend or a wife or something, all of a sudden they're not working nearly as hard. And, you know, it's always, oh, yeah, I'm at the stage time, whatever. But really, they like to go to as many clubs as possible to be up on stage in front of as many girls as possible. So, I mean, that should be a good incentive for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, taking a young male comedian, I guess this guy's 18, 19 years old, and getting him laid consistently is like taking. It'd be like taking Mike Tyson when he was living in Brownsville or wherever the hell he was training in the Catskills as an amateur, and then giving him $20 million career over. You just stop at that point. You know, it's funny how guys lose the eye of the tiger when they get the cock of the tiger. Yeah, they always talk about the eye of the tiger. They forget about the tiger's cock, and when it's in a hot chick, they lose the eye part of the tiger. Our own Mike Chaffee Our resident nerd over here, Mike Chaffee. This guy hadn't gotten laid in three years. I believe that he was working on this show.

[Donnie]

It's an epidemic among mics on this know.

[Adam Carolla]

And I would call Mike Chaffee. It didn't matter if you called him at 2am or 7am he'd just be like, hello, Pick up a cell phone. Hello? Yeah, Mike, I need you to get to itunes. Get the promise something. We got a problem with that? I'm on it, boss. And you hang up phone now you call him like, yeah, what's up? And you're like, mike, I need you to go. I need you. Yeah. Barry White picks up the phone. He's like, yeah. And then. And then like, you're like, hey, I need you to go troubleshoot something on itunes and be like, well, I'll get to it when I get to it. I'm with my lady now. And they just hang up the phone.

[Donnie]

Then as soon as she leaves, like, hey, I got it up there, boss. Don't worry about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying you want in an. Especially in an underling. You want a guy who's not getting laid who has the eye of the tiger. And this guy, I agree with you, needs to not have a girlfriend. Thank God the chick never got back to him. On going out to the movie and just go from club to club to club every night and do a stand up routine.

[Donnie]

That, by the way, that might explain why comedians, like, there are so many comedians that especially you think about from when we were kids in the 80s, you know, they're very popular and, you know, they're doing a lot of talk show appearances and they get this fan base and then they have maybe a couple more years and then they kind of like fade. And like their best days creatively are behind them. It might be because they start getting laid regularly and then they don't want to go and work and they don't work on new material.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to David Brenner?

[Donnie]

It could be what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

What happens is you're miserable. I mean, where's. Okay, first off, the, the, the genesis of comedy is sort of loneliness and misery.

[Donnie]

I don't know if I.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, okay. No, I'm not saying. Saying that. Okay, here's what I'm saying. Here's what I mean. You're funny and I'm funny, and we're both funny. And we're both funny because that's how God made us. And then we also worked on it a lot as well. It's generic or genetic. And then there's also work. Basically funny. But we weren't nailing everything in high school either. And the words, the guys, no.

[Donnie]

Oh, that's right, we weren't.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys who were nailing everything in high school usually didn't, even if they were funny, didn't turn out. To have the career, you need a little bit of that delayed gratification. You need a little bit of that hunger. And I'm just saying, when you're nailing everything, you're happy, usually. And when you're happy, you don't think, I got to write a joke about getting laid too much. Nobody ever said, oh, man, you know what? You know what, man? I get laid way too much. My cock is sore. I got to write this down. This is some great material. No, they write stuff, stuff about premature ejaculation, not being able to get it up, not being able to get laid, having chicks dump them.

[Donnie]

I don't think it's even the writing. I think it's the, the more time you're on stage at a comedy club, the stronger you get as a comic. And if, if you've got a girlfriend already, there's not nearly as much a reason as for you to go to all the crappy little clubs in town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Each night there's a schedule thing, which is somebody going, hey, come over at 10 o' clock and fuck me, instead of going to catch a rising star and doing your third set for the night. So you have that, but you also have the boxer with the eye of the tiger, which is, I got a lot of money now. I'm comfortable.

[Donnie]

I'm not training. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need to go out and do three, three clubs a night. I don't need to keep doing the same material or new material, developing new material. And Jesus Christ. Like, I saw Jeff Altman. Jeff Altman used to go on Letterman all the time and do his, his dad routine and the big beefy butt steak and all that kind of stuff. And that was, you know, in the late 80s, mid-80s, mid-80s, Mid-80s, when I was subbing or going out for the Craig Kilborn gig, you know, a few years back. They were also tossing some bones to, like, some other comedians who weren't really in the running, but they just kind of letting them get up and do their thing and whatever. And Altman got up and did one night and that was like in, you know, 0405 or something like that. First thing out of his mouth is like, big beefy butt steaks and like I'm thinking, wow, it's been 20 years since you were on Letterman doing that routine and now it's 04 and you're doing big beefy butt steaks again.

[Donnie]

Like musicians don't want to do their old songs, but comedians have no problem doing their old jokes. Leonard Skynyrd. Fucking sweet home Alabama again.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so what should we do? Should we take like Mel Brooks and Eddie Murphy and strip them of all their worldly possessions and toss them out on the street every 15 years and then have them get hungry back on the street again and do everything?

[Donnie]

Like the witness protection program. Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And force them to create.

[Donnie]

Or maybe you do it to one comedian per year. Like one prominent comedian gets plastic surgery. They get a new identity and they get placed in a small town.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do we even. Oh yeah, I guess we'd have to because, you know, the other thing you could do is just leave them with the same identity. Just strip away everything they have and put them back in a crappy apartment. But you're saying they'd go headline at Caesar.

[Donnie]

Yeah, yeah. It'd be too easy to get back into it.

[Adam Carolla]

It is interesting. That a guy. Let's just take, I don't know, let's take Eddie Murphy as an example. Here's a guy that if he was doing those kinds of stand up specials like Raw and All that's Delirious and all that stuff versus doing the Daddy Daycare movies. Here's a guy that if he did one of those a year for 50 years, he would amass an amazing library of material versus the kids movies he's doing. Yeah, now.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but even if he did it more adult movies. But I think he, he's one of those guys who probably will, especially since I think his last two movies didn't do so well, he probably will do something dirty to kind of get, you know, and the old Eddie Murphy type thing to get his fans excited about him again.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't he know when a black performer at age 50 attempts to make a comeback that that does not bode well?

[Donnie]

Yeah, but Eddie likes to party all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever met Eddie Murphy? No, I've never met. I feel like I've met every comedian but Eddie Murphy.

[Donnie]

Yeah, yeah, no, there's a few I haven't met. But yeah, he. Yeah, he's great. He was great though. He really was.

[Adam Carolla]

His brother Charlie is a riot. I remember interviewing that young lad. It was good stuff. So tell me about Dave Chappelle. What you do know. We're on TV right now? Yeah.

[Donnie]

I had a similar experience with Charlie on. On my show.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, doesn't. If. If you're Charlie Murphy, don't you know that people want to ask you either about Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy? Yeah. Yeah.

[Donnie]

And I could see how it would be tiring in general, but for television shows in which you're speaking to a lot of people, it seems like you might want to.

[Adam Carolla]

You should sit up and talk. Yeah.

[Donnie]

A little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

You had that with Charlie?

[Donnie]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes, I had that as well. And I.

[Donnie]

He appeared to be a reluctant participant.

[Adam Carolla]

Even though in the conversation. Yeah. I had the exact same thing happen to him. To me. I felt like I was ringing him like a bar rag just to get a drop of information out of him. And it wasn't one of these things where I was. I was. You know, it's like, I'm not a cop wanting to know where you were at the night of the shooting.

[Donnie]

I just tell him that. I mean, he probably knows. You hang around with the citizen of the year in Santa Monica.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me some funny anecdotes about being on the set. Or how about you and your brother growing up or something. Or just make up your own funny shit. How does that work? I have a racist theory.

[Donnie]

I don't believe that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

Well, let me write this down, because.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a first.

[Donnie]

What is the racist theory?

[Adam Carolla]

It's the same theory I have about. And it probably doesn't hold so much true for your show, but it's the same theory I have about celebrities when they go do shows in England or Australia, how they get drunk and they just say stupid shit and then they end up getting kind of busted and it shows up on American tv.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But in their mind, and you're. You could. You do a ton of shows and you know that when you're doing Letterman, you're sitting up straight, you got all your shit together.

[Donnie]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You really got it worked out. This is a Letterman. Or even if you're doing Ellen or whatever, you know, Friends will be watching, you know, but you. If you went to Australia and you did some local show called Talk 7 or something, you might have a couple of beers and you might come out there with a different attitude. None of your friends are watching.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Your people aren't watching, so you don't really need to.

[Donnie]

I wouldn't. But, yeah, I could see how you're pro.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a total pro.

[Donnie]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But everybody. Well, let's even make it local radio. The Difference between doing, you know, the shows out, you know, you're doing Kevin and Bean out here in Los Angeles. You know, there's friends of yours that are driving around in the car that are going to hear you versus calling in to Bob and Mark in Connecticut. It's not quite the same. Preparation of pressure, whatever. I get the feeling sometimes and I got the feeling like when Charlie Murphy came on my show and a fair amount of the funny black stand ups, their peeps aren't watching this. Like this ain't, this ain't, their crowd ain't watching this. Because I know these guys are funny and I've seen them be funnier and doing other things.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Like I don't see them doing the Shack.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I've never seen him do anything funny, but I've seen a lot of other guys be funny doing like the Shack roast or doing something like that. Yeah. And then they would come on my radio show and I think they'd be kind of like, no one I know is listening to this no one I know list. So I'm not really. It's early. I'm not gonna burn too many calories now. Maybe Charlie Murphy just isn't funny.

[Donnie]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe Eddie stole all the fun. Maybe Eddie did that thing that the cat did to Drew Barrymore in that movie from the 80s, like while he was asleep. Went over him and sucked his breath out. Like sucked his funny breath out.

[Donnie]

That's probably what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

And is he older or younger?

[Donnie]

I think he's older, which is always weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And would he, would he be doing anything if Eddie Murphy wasn't Eddie Murphy?

[Donnie]

Yeah, he would be number one. He'd be the number one Murphy if there wasn't an Eddie in his way.

[Adam Carolla]

But would we care?

[Donnie]

Oh, I'm sure he'd be the one in Daddy Daycare.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Donnie]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good. Because if you talk to Jim Belushi, Jim Belushi has the thought that Jim Belushi would definitely be Jim Belushi without John Belushi.

[Donnie]

I think he probably would be Jim Belushi. But I mean they have different career paths really, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

Jim started more as a dramatic actor, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Well, Salvador, very, very good movie where he was. It was a dramatic movie with James Woods. He had a dramatic role in that movie, although he was the comedic. Whatever. Anyway, by the way, you've seen that movie? No, great movie.

[Donnie]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

James Woods. I think it was a. Who the hell wrote that and directed it. I think it's Oliver Stonewood movie, correct? Yeah. Very good. Movie. Yeah, somebody was nominated for that. I think it was James Woods. Anyway, sorry. Yeah. So Eddie Murphy. Not funny on my show. Not funny on your show. And not funny because he's not funny or not funny because he's not trying. Maybe both.

[Donnie]

Maybe it's easier to get away with it if you don't try, because then it's not like you tried to be funny and failed. Instead, you try to be cool and I guess succeeded.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't.

[Donnie]

You don't put your neck out, is the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Don't you like it when guests come on your show and you see some calories being burned?

[Donnie]

I love it. There's nothing better than when somebody comes with, like, an idea, like they want to look good, they want to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, and as I always say, don't do it for me, do it for you.

[Donnie]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple million people seeing you not be funny. I don't really give a shit.

[Donnie]

It's a strange thing. It's like for some people, they don't. It doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Donnie]

It just. For some people, it's very important. And it's weird. Like, I mean, you get, like, guys like. Like Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell, and like, before they come on, they, you know, there's some planning. They have ideas of what they might want to do or they want to talk about ideas about what they might want to do, and then they come on and that's why they're funny. And that's. I mean, that's, you know, that's how Steve Martin goes on Letterman. And he's got a. You know, he's got a whole thing planned like he's Steve Martin. You know, if anyone doesn't need to plan a whole thing, it's him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Donnie]

But he does.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. There seems to be no difference between the size of the celebrity and the amount of planning. As a matter of fact, it's. It's sort of counterintuitive. The bigger the guy is, oftentimes the harder the guy works. And that's why he is. Who he is. Is. Yeah. I mean, that's why Steve Martin. Steve Martin and Ben Stiller's Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell is Will Ferrell, because these guys prep for everything they do, and they never mail anything in. Yes, I saw Will Ferrell on your show a couple years back. Like, pretend like he brought an old guy up. He was. Always got something going on. And then there are other guys who don't seem to be household Names who just come in and sort of of.

[Donnie]

Yeah, and sometimes it works and sometimes they're able to be funny with just no preparation. But it's a toss of a coin. And for me, like when I go on with the show, I like to be. I like to bring something to the table.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are the handful of guys who didn't burn too many calories? I wouldn't cruel and say not funny, but who didn't burn a ton of calories other than the aforementioned Charlie Murphy?

[Donnie]

Well, I mean, it's, you know, a lot of people when they come on the show, they're doing 10 interviews that day and they have to do the Tonight show and Letterman first. So you're third on the list of funny anecdotes from the set. And you got to dig a lot deeper. So I can't really think in particular. I mean, some people are just tired and out of material, you know, I mean, they're really. But. But they're open to doing things, but they don't, you know, they haven't come up with anything necessarily.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

I try to just save little things for talk show. Like if I think of something, I think, oh, that would be a good topic. If I'm on a talk show, I just save it and I email myself. And then I have a whole bunch of things because you don't want to start from scratch the minute somebody calls you, you know, so have a few things and then the rest you just improvise. You know, as long as you have a few things. There's. It's really. People are so unprepared for everything all the time. I really think that's why, you know, I think that's why we were able to not just like do the man show, but get it on the, you know, actually get it on the air. And then. Because everything we did to support it was. We worked on it, you know, it is amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I used to love watching People's Court and the guy would come walking out there and he's wearing a Henry's taco shirt T shirt with some taco sauce on it. And I would think you didn't know that you were attending court this morning. I mean, you probably knew six months ago you had a court date. Right? Right. Yeah. You don't have anything in the closet. Like, it is amazing. You're just talking about preparation. You know, we live in earthquake country, so they keep telling us. I'll bet you 9 out of 10 people I know don't have a one of those wind up radios. Or a can of beans stash somewhere. Like most people I know, if there was a major earthquake and there could be one at any moment here, that knocked out electrical service and everything else, most of us would just be. Have no cash, no food, no clean water, and no wind up radio, even though we've been told repeatedly to go get it. And we live in the heart of earthquake country. There's something about humans that's sort of.

[Donnie]

Like, we figure somebody else will help.

[Adam Carolla]

Us, it'll work out. And they take that same approach to doing a late night talk show. Right. Like come and hang out.

[Donnie]

I got the earthquake kit. I got the. I have a can of garbanzo beans up my ass right now in case something happens on the car. I'm always prepared.

[Adam Carolla]

A generator too, at the new. Where you live in?

[Donnie]

Not yet, but I will. I will have a generator. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to get the backup generator.

[Donnie]

My generator, though, became useless because my next door neighbor's baby were room. Baby's room is right next to the generator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And so it was disturbing them, so I had to turn it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because lights usually go out at like 12 midnight. I had a weird. I had a weird scene in the. In the neighborhood that we live in. Just yesterday actually. Irate woman had lost her dog and she was combing the neighborhood in her car looking for her dog. And I was coming down the street and she was coming up the street and she sort of flagged me down and stopped me and did that. It's funny, we still have to do the roll the window down move. Even though the cranks have not put on cars in 20 years. Our grandchildren will be going. They'll be flying around in hovercrafts going, roll the window down.

[Donnie]

We try to start the little. The finger motion.

[Adam Carolla]

We have to start it too. Yeah, roll the window. It doesn't seem as effective. Roll the window down. So I rolled the window down and she goes, she was one of these people. And I think women have this gene, but men have it too, where they go, have you seen a missing dog around here? And I go, no, I haven't. Not at all. I like that one. I didn't see parts of a missing dog, if that's what you're talking about. I saw a paw, a tail, and like one ear. I like the nod at all. Like, there's no answer for that. By the way, with my wife, my new policies, I plan blank stare. I don't dignify it with a response. Did Jason come by the house? No, he didn't so he didn't come by the house. Why must we take another lap around this retarded track? So she says, did you see a missing dog? And I said, no, No, I didn't. Not at all. No, no, no dogs. It was a brown and yellow schnauzer. She's now describing the dog. She starts describing the dog to me. Like, I'm gonna go, oh, that, oh, that missing.

[Donnie]

Oh, I was dog.

[Adam Carolla]

I was picturing a mastiff. Oh, this is a brown and yellow dog. This is smaller dog. I was Picturing like a 200 pound dog. Oh, yeah, that dog. Sure. I have it in the car. I'm feeding it, taking a pound right now. So, no, but the thing that was great is she was obviously out of her mind. Like, people get with the dogs, like, oh, my God, it's gonna get run over. Or some gypsies are gonna to steal it and sell it on ebay. She's out of her mind. We stopped in the street for, you know, 10 seconds and somebody behind her honked like, somebody behind her gave her the, like, hey, man, clear it out lady. And she was right in the middle of this sort of fugue state of, my dog's missing. She was sweating like I'm combing. And so the person honked and she gave me, like, what the fuck? Just going nuts on the person. I just, I just took off at that point. But I do, by the way, the.

[Donnie]

Last person that you want when you're in a hysterical state that you want to get help from is you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You're saying because I'm a calming presence.

[Donnie]

Because you just don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I didn't see the dog.

[Donnie]

Yeah, you didn't see the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a good.

[Donnie]

By the way, if you'd seen the dog, you would have told her.

[Adam Carolla]

When Jimmy says, you know, bank your little funny stories for the talk show circuits. One of the little funny stories I banked was because I was at Jimmy's eating pizza and drinking beer when Molly, my dog, got away. And when Molly got away, I went after Molly on foot. But I was just wearing sweatpants and tennis shoes, and I was drunk, and, you know, I just put down my pizza and you remember when she escaped from your house and I was running down. I took off after Molly. I forgot to set my beer down, and I was jogging down through the hills, just holding a beer, running, just looking like I was going out on a jog, but with a beer. And I passed the guy and he gave me the man show, like, thumbs up like, wow, Carolla's hardcore because I'm wearing sweatpants and tennis shoes. He can't go on a jog without a beer in his hand. He's totally committed to drinking beer. And then, course, later on, we're gonna.

[Donnie]

Have to figure something out for the new arrangement because I think we're gonna have to have someone drive you.

[Adam Carolla]

I will get a DUI in preseason.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Because you.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Donnie]

You got a lot drunker last year. I noticed then than you did. And I'm hoping that that continues to get even drunker this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what I did is I got on. I got onto the kegerator. I got on. You switched from Heineken to some sort of micro brew in the kegerator?

[Donnie]

No, I switched from first. Originally, I had Heineken, and nobody was drinking it in my thing. And then I switched to Guinness. Guinness, which I liked, and nobody was drinking it because they're scared of it because it's dark brown, even though it doesn't taste. So then I switched to India Pale Ale.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, well, that's.

[Donnie]

And that's what did it to you?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what did it to me. Because I would, you know, I would. Would drink a few beers, you know, in the past. And, you know, I wasn't nuts about the Guinness and I wasn't nuts about the Heineken. Fine beers. Just, you know, I like the Pale Ale. And then I got onto the Pale Ale, and that's where the trouble began.

[Donnie]

I see. It's the Pale Ale.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So if you can get hooked up with the. What is it, the Red Eye?

[Donnie]

Yeah, the Red Hook or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. Whatever you got hooked, whatever you got into that thing.

[Donnie]

Oh, you want the same one, or do you want me to put the beer you don't like back so that you can drive home?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, part of me wants you to put the Sam Adams or the CR Nevada.

[Donnie]

I gotta fill it with my own saliva.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, I'm gonna have to get a car. Or maybe Mike August can fire up the burnt orange Lexus.

[Donnie]

No, no, because I need Mike there to help me clean up afterwards. There's gonna have to be someone else that we're gonna make someone else your.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you put your tender Sam Adams in there, I'll just pass out. And then Mike can just wake you up when it's time to drive home, throw me in the back of the car.

[Donnie]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Although I don't want to be seen in that burnt orange Lexus.

[Donnie]

Well, no one does.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, Jimmy has Speaking of football season, a, how many inches is the new TV set?

[Donnie]

103.

[Adam Carolla]

103. And it's not a screen. No, it's a regular plasma style TV or LED style. Is it Plasma? LED, LCD.

[Donnie]

It's a Plasma TV.

[Adam Carolla]

Plasma TV. 103 inches. Here's what I love about this bad boy. Had to be powered by 220. And for those of you outside the construction industry, that might not mean too much, but an idea of a television set that was juiced by 220.

[Donnie]

Usually only your dryer really needs 220 in the house, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a, there's a, there's a handful of things that run off 220, but things that have a huge draw like a clothes dryer or maybe sometimes an oven. If it runs off electricity, might be 220. But a TV that runs off 220 is unbelievable.

[Donnie]

Yeah, it's a beautiful television. It splits into four so we can watch four games at once and all.

[Adam Carolla]

Four of those games will be bigger than 42 inch television. 50.

[Donnie]

They're 50 inches. Each of those games is the size of my. That television I had in the dining room at my old house. So there's really no need ever to go anywhere again.

[Adam Carolla]

This is gonna be awesome. All right, well, I feel like I got a nice beer buzz going. Donnie, you done with the Skype calls over there? We are all done. Hey, Jimmy, we gotta come over to your place and podcast during the football season once in a while. That'll be awesome. Yay.

[Donnie]

Oh, yeah. Good luck, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude.

[Donnie]

People put in sleeper holds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Craziness going on. Hey, Jimmy, I need some more pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be good. Yeah. Oh, when's the new pizza oven on wheels next?

[Donnie]

Next week it's scheduled to arrive.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does it arrive?

[Donnie]

It weighs like 3, 500 pounds on rail.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, how do you get it into the place?

[Donnie]

I think it's trucked. I don't know how we're going to get it.

[Adam Carolla]

It must be modular, right? Must be in pieces.

[Donnie]

It is. But I think though, that one piece weighs a lot more than the rail.

[Adam Carolla]

Rest.

[Donnie]

Rest of it. And it's all welded together, so it's, you know, it's. I don't know. I. I see that as it'll be.

[Adam Carolla]

Up and running by. By football season.

[Donnie]

I see that as the illegal immigrants I hired to put it up. There's problem.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, Jimmy Kimmel, ABC 1206, by the way, every single night. Six and a half seasons and still going strong. And Jimmy, I don't know. Is there Jimmy Kimmel.com where do people go if they want to find out, schedule and everything?

[Donnie]

Well, we have, we have a channel on YouTube. It's YouTube, Jimmy Kimmel Live. And they put all the videos up there. There's guest information up there. But yeah, they have something on ABC also.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The great Jimmy Kimmel. Until next time, this Adam Carolla for Jimmy Kimmel. Mike August, my good buddy the Wheeze. And it's a beautiful wife Kathy saying Mahala.

[Narrator/Host]

All right, that's raised Kroll Classics. That's Adam Kroll and Jimmy Kimmel. The early years of the podcast 2009. Make sure to tune tomorrow for some more clips. Gonna be some more Kimmel. Hope you guys enjoy. Mahalo. And get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Sam.