Jo Koy + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – January 24, 2026

Guests: Jo Koy, Mark Steines, Alison Rosen, Bryan Bishop
Selected Classic: ACS #1155 & 1170
PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Overview

This double-classic episode of The Adam Carolla Show compiles highlights from two fan-favorite recordings: one featuring the full core gang (Adam, Alison Rosen, Bald Bryan) and a later show with comedian Jo Koy and TV host Mark Steines. The episode showcases the show’s signature blend of irreverent humor, personal stories, social commentary, comedic rants, and improvisational bits—plus calls from listeners sharing their worst job experiences. There’s also an extended dissection of how masculinity, handiwork, and parenting are changing, and a satirical look at public service announcements and diversity in entertainment.

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1. Family, Shopping Fails & Credit Card Hijinks

[01:00 – 19:38]

Key Points:

• Adam shares a story about shopping at Lowe’s with his daughter, Natalia, and the sticker shock of her instantly picking the most expensive chandelier.
• Anecdotes about kids’ lack of concept of value or age, leading to absurd conversations.
• Adam attempts to get a Lowe’s store credit card to save 10%. He invents his annual salary on the spot—and is denied at $55,000 but instantly approved after claiming $500,000.
• Group riffs on the social stigma of store loyalty cards: Ralph’s Club Card is “lip herpes,” Lowe’s Card is “genital herpes”.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: "Your Ralph’s Club card… is big fat lip herpes. Mine is underside of my ball sack. No one’s gonna know." [07:37]
• Adam (credit card fail): "I just blurt out any number I want… yelled $500,000… and she went, ‘Well, now you qualify.'" [12:36]

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2. Book Sales, Family Apathy & Motivation

[17:07 – 20:50]

Key Points:

• Adam’s mom repeatedly asks for a free signed copy of a book she’s in, rather than buy one—prompting a discussion about support, motivation, and how people do what they want in life.
• Brian Bishop echoes the lack of public knowledge about how book sales and rankings work.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: "People usually do what they want to do in life. It’s my sort of junkie theory—motivation makes you find a way." [19:07]
• Brian: “If they're gonna buy ten copies, don't dissuade them—there’s things called bonuses!” [17:54]

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3. Old-School Riffs: Dogs, Bad Jobs & Class Pay

[20:50 – 32:38]

Key Points:

• Reminiscing about the now-rare sight of dogs tied outside supermarkets, as opposed to “everyone’s dog everywhere” today.
• Listener calls about their worst jobs—Roach extermination in sweltering Palm Springs, cleaning animal hospital kennels.
• Adam details his construction crew experience: “Punishment jobs” (hardest, dirtiest work) pay less than cushier, colorful-job-title roles.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: "The donkey gets paid way less than the singing minor bird." [32:08]
• Adam (dog care): "People rely heavily on the fact that dogs can't talk… you can cut some corners with a dog." [35:16]

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4. Weapons of Teen Destruction & Paintball Nostalgia

[37:22 – 39:59]

Key Points:

• Paintball guns: If Adam’s wild childhood friends had access, “it would have been a nice non-lethal move” compared to the actual violence (knives, flaming marshmallows).
• Rural pranks—slingshotting signs—lead to riffs about farm-field cutouts and the marvel of their unmarked survival.

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5. Parenting, Pop Music & Modern Childhood

[44:44 – 53:40]

Key Points:

• Adam’s daughter’s fascination with “Sex Therapy” by Robin Thicke leads to discussion about kids absorbing pop culture and the inevitability of being exposed to One Direction and Katy Perry, whether parents want to or not.
• Reflections on how kids “mirror” adults and the challenge of keeping up with their influences.

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6. Bald Bryan’s Movie Review: "In a World"

[58:08 – 63:22]

Key Points:

• Bryan enthusiastically reviews “In a World,” a comedy written, directed, and starring Lake Bell, calling it possibly his "favorite movie of the year."
• Alison adds that the film's father-daughter story is drawn from Lake Bell’s real life.
• Group praises the film's subtlety, personal voice, and calls for more "genuine comedies."
• Rotten Tomatoes score mentioned (over 90%).

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan: "Honestly, it's why I go to the movies… this movie was great. Some laugh-out-loud moments and so, so observant." [60:43]
• Adam: “I’m all just about the car stuff. Never really got into the movie-making stuff with her.” [62:30]

Timestamps:

• Bryan’s review in detail [58:08–62:01]
• Alison's backstory on Lake Bell [60:06–60:39]

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7. The News with Alison Rosen

[64:58–78:18]
Sample Headlines:

• Diana Nyad swims from Cuba to Florida at age 64 without a shark cage, sparking jokes about shark safety, jellyfish, and brave Cubans.
• "Fifty Shades of Grey" casting announced; Drew’s disdain for the book discussed.
• Walkie Talkie skyscraper in London melting cars via focused sunlight; Adam riffs on the relentless destructiveness of the sun.
• Clichés in pop culture (“a love letter to Chicago”) and changing buzzwords (from “on acid” to “on steroids” to “on crack”).

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: “There’s a million and one reasons why you can’t do X, Y and Z until you get a boner. Then they’re all out the window.” [19:54]
• Adam: “There’s no such thing as an Asian, Hispanic, or black fuck-up, but the cop is always Asian, Hispanic, or black. It’s always whitey fucking up.” [137:40]

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8. Comedy Bits: Jo Koy, Diversity & PSA Parodies

[99:29 – 148:28]

Key Points:

• Adam and Jo Koy perform a long improvised, high-energy bit riffing on miscommunications with club security, featuring Jo as Adam's would-be “axeman”/enforcer. The running joke: misusing "ask" as "axe," racial stereotypes, and club lingo.
• Parody of the diversity in public service announcements (PSAs), and how PSAs often feature a Benetton ad-style cast, with jokes at the expense of overly careful casting.

Timestamps:

• Beginning of Jo Koy bit [99:29]
• PSA parody and satirical diversity analysis [126:14–139:56]

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9. Manual Labor, Masculinity & Tangible Value in 2020s Life

[151:09 – 166:40]

Key Points:

• Mark Steines and Adam discuss raising kids in a “hands-off” era where building, fixing and practical skills have become optional (an “elective”) instead of a survival necessity.
• Steines shares an emotional story about teaching his son how to cut the lawn on the family tractor after his father’s passing, underscoring the generational disconnect over tactile accomplishment.
• Adam laments how intangibility—of both money and daily activities—fuels emotional detachment and dissatisfaction.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: “There was a time when men being men was a required course because now it’s an elective.” [156:40]
• Mark: "My oldest one—the 11-year-old—as soon as the deck hit and I put on the blades and he felt that take off… I just saw him light up." [158:56]

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10. The Emmy Awards, Comedy Writers, and the Diversity Debate

[168:51 – 192:47]

Key Points:

• Discussion of network vs. cable Emmys: Should there be separate classes because of differences in content strictness?
• HBO dominance, backdrop to critical success of cable and streaming shows.
• The gender disparity among Emmy-nominated comedy writers (16 writers for Colbert, only 1 woman); Adam reiterates his view that men, as a group, are funnier than women—a motif that stirred past controversy.
• Adam and Bryan dig into why more women aren’t writing for late-night shows despite industry pressures to diversify.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam: “These are the most progressive people on the planet… they are less than 10% [female] on their staff.” [191:13]
• Bryan: "Why are 86.7% of Emmy-nominated comedy writers men? There must be a reason… but no one wants to have that discussion." [187:03]

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11. Final Anecdotes, Awards Show Satire & Endnotes

[192:47–End]

Key Points:

• Satirical analysis of LL Cool J’s omnipresence at award shows (“the brown parsley next to the plate”).
• Closing with promotion for live shows, Mangria bottle signings, and reminders about Alison Rosen’s podcast.

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Memorable Moments

• Adam’s Shopping Cart Salary:
  “I just blurt out any number I want… yelled $500,000… and she went, ‘Well, now you qualify.’” [12:36]

• On Motivation:
  “People do what they want in life. It’s my sort of junkie theory… that’s motivation, you know what I mean?” [19:07]

• Manual Labor & Self-Worth:
  “There was a time when men being men was a required course… now it’s an elective.” [156:40]

• On Hollywood Diversity Pressure:
  “Try to cut that one woman [comedy writer] and see what the network says. Try to come back next year.” [188:17]

• Satirizing PSAs:
  – “There’s always the white chick, the Asian chick, the black chick, and the Hispanic chick. As if the car won’t run if there’s just five white chicks in it.” [126:14]

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Tonal Notes

The show runs at peak Carolla: sharp, irreverent, digressive, conversational. There’s a nostalgic tilt to the humor as Adam and his cohosts reflect on changing eras—both personal and cultural. Extended riffing with Jo Koy features edgy, quick-witted improvisation. Mark Steines brings a grounded, genuine note in the discussions of family, masculinity, and satisfaction from building things.

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Episode Highlights by Timestamp

| Segment | Description | Timestamp | |---------|-------------|-----------| | Lowe’s story, shopping with daughter | Adam’s parenting, pricing, credit card hijinks | 01:00–15:10 | | Book sales & motivation | Book industry/pay, family support dynamics | 17:07–20:50 | | Listener worst jobs & pay scales | Construction anecdotes, labor value | 26:41–37:22 | | Paintball, childhood pranks | Riff: technology, pranks, nostalgia | 37:22–39:59 | | Bald Bryan reviews “In a World” | Enthusiastic film recommendation | 58:08–63:22 | | News with Alison | Diana Nyad story + banter | 64:58–78:18 | | Jo Koy improv bit | ‘Axeman’, club life, security, race jokes | 99:29–109:53 | | Manual labor, masculinity | Mark Steines/Adam: generational change | 151:09–166:40 | | Emmys, writer diversity | Comedy, women, and diversity in TV | 168:51–192:47 |

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For New Listeners

This episode is a classic sampler of the Adam Carolla Show’s mainstays:

• Wry takes on family and modern life
• Blue-collar wisdom and rants on labor
• Candid, polarizing commentary on social topics
• Extended, freeform comedic improvisation
• Honest reflections on the media industry’s quirks

Skip ahead: For pure laughs, Jo Koy’s ‘Axeman’ bit with Adam starts at [99:29]. For cultural rants and insightful social critique, the diversity-in-comedy-writers debate at [168:51] is especially representative.

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Final Takeaway

With its blend of self-deprecating honesty, unsparing humor, and direct takes on everything from credit card bureaucracy to Hollywood’s diversity politics, this episode of The Adam Carolla Show delivers a spirited, broad survey of what makes the show beloved—and occasionally controversial—among millions of listeners.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play.

[Adam Carolla]

The best moments, highlights and fans select.

[Brian Bishop]

The clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla show, soon to be 17.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics for which you can find the.

[Brian Bishop]

Ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to get the ad.

[Brian Bishop]

Free archives of the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com alright, let's.

[Adam Carolla]

Get to the clips coming up.

[Brian Bishop]

First we have Adam Carolla Show 1155 featuring Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

No guest on this episode, just the Classic gang. We have very few of these Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison and Brian episodes left that haven't been played yet in Classics. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Allison Rose hello Adam Carolla and Baldbryan.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not goth, I'm just pale.

[Brian Bishop]

David Leventhal requested Several people requested that, most recently David Levinthal on Twitter, Hashtag topdrop.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a few things to say. Had a nice relaxing weekend for me. First one in, feels like months. I've been on the road almost every weekend, so got to spend some time with the family. And my daughter had a funny experience today at Lowe's. Big chain out here, kind of.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's the national chain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is.

[Brian Bishop]

Home Depot. Ish, right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of, kind of what Bullocks is to Sears is what Home Depot is, what Lowe's is to Home Depot. It's not quite that much. It's a step, it's a sort of notch above, I don't know, I don't know what the next notch is above Sears, but it's like, it's like it's a little better than a Home Depot, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Never mind the bullocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Little more put together. And I brought my daughter there for our first shopping encounter because we're remodeling her room and she wants a chandelier and this and that and the other. The first thing she does is, you know, the good news and the bad news is with kids is they don't know what the price of anything is and they don't care. I mean, you know, you ask them how much you think this car is, they'll be like a hundred dollars. And you go no more. And they'll go a kajillion dollars and you go, no less. And then you realize, why am I having this fucking conversation? She doesn't know what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

They do the same thing with ages. They think you're 14 and they think that's old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, my son does a thing that's worse than that, which is he's at an age where if he beats a eight year old in a foot race and he's seven years old, that's huge. So he keeps going. I was playing hoops with him today and I said, listen, I'm taking it out. I'm the old man. He's like, you're taking out? You're 49, you should be 49. You know, 10 times better. And I'm like, oh, you don't. No, no. I crested the mountain a long time ago, buddy. And, and have been sliding down the other side picking up shit and pine needles. You understand me?

[Brian Bishop]

The skill set is degrading.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a simple Math. If you're seven, then ten. Seven year old's not going to beat a ten year old at any sporting event. Well, then a 49 year old would kick the shit out of a 23 year old. Like I should be jamming on LeBron James. Yeah. By the time I'm 103, look out, NBA, here I come.

[Brian Bishop]

Your X theory where one crosses over the other. At what age will Sonny best you in basketball?

[Adam Carolla]

He's. I don't know, he should be tall.

[Brian Bishop]

Got about 14 and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

He's getting me now. He's a big puss though. He calls foul when I try to back him into the lane and stuff like that. But anyway, so I'm with Natalia and we're at the Lowe's and we're buying everything for a room. And there's that lighting department where they have 150 light lights just sort of plugged in and up on the wall above the thing. And you know, they start at $17.99 and the average price is $39.99. It's just a bunch of shit that's stamped out in China. And there's shiny stuff and chrome stuff and all fake, you know, fake old stuff and it's all just up there. And I go, which one do you want? She walks up the one that's $219 and goes, I want that one. And I go, my God, that is the. And then I go, hold on a second because you're talking about Home Depot slash Lowe's slash single ceiling light. Over $100 is rarefied air in that department. This over 200. I didn't know they made that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a genetic trait. Christy does the same thing with like menu items that have no price, but things that have no price. She'll pick, magically pick up the most expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you go to shoe, you walk up to and you turn it over and it's the most expensive one in there. I'm like, I didn't know they made things over $150 that didn't have ceiling fans and things attached to them. This is just a lighting unit. She's like, that one. She points at the most expensive one. So I say, all right, all right, all right. So what did it look like? Very shiny, lots of spangles and jangles and things coming from it. And so I said, you know, seven year old girls are just like largemouth bass. Just if it's shiny, if it winks at them, they're going after it. Everything's a lure to them, you know. So I said, all right, we throw that on and we throw on a few other things. Before you know it, I have a shopping cart filled with shit. And then the nice lady in the Lowe's vest comes up to me and says, would you like, are you going to use your Lowe's? I like when they do that one. Are you going to use your Lowe's car? At one point, just once, because it's that super uncomfortable conversation, you know, are you going to use there? And then the sheep. Is the sheepish. I don't have a. You don't have a Lowe's car? You know, one day I'd just like to pop open a Duster. Like a rain. A rain duster. No one just pop it up and have like bandolaro belt of like 50 Lowe's cars and just pull them out, shuffle them like a shark, throw one like a ninja and have it stick in outline of her body on like a cork board she was standing up against. Blow one that was smoky and put it back in the bandolar belt. Oh, yeah, bitch. I got my lowest card. I got off the whole fucking neighborhood. Why someone need one? Because I'm a candyman. Tell them to meet me in the alley. I'll deal. And I deal in volume. But of course I have to do the yeah, I don't have a Lowe's card. And she does the. You save 10% off your first buy. And I was like, wow. Because I can barely push this fucking shopping cart with all the shit in it.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's the Lowe's credit card?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's a bad deal. Yeah, yeah. And I go 10% off, huh? Cause I got a metric ton of shit in here. And I said, yeah, yeah. How long does it take to sign up? You know? Oh, few minutes. I said, all right, sign me up. And so we go over there, you went for it, and she's on the phone, I want to save 10%.

[Brian Bishop]

This is the guy who doesn't have a Ralph's Club card.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, listen, I don't want that. I don't want that.

[Allison Rosen]

It's different.

[Adam Carolla]

The Ralphs club card is the mark of the loser for all the world to see because that's on your keychain. The Lowe's card stays hidden from the world in your back pocket. This, you know, one is genital herpes. The other is herpes on your lip.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

Your rationale is dizzying.

[Adam Carolla]

Your Ralph's Club card is big fat lip herpes. Okay. Mine is underside of my ball sack. No one's gonna know.

[Brian Bishop]

Rubbing rash.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying the guys, you guys who jingle that fucking thing around on your keychain, you are letting the ladies at the bar know you ain't fucking Sir Walter Raleigh.

[Allison Rosen]

Although, quick tangent. If someone gave you a choice of genital herpes or cold sores, which would.

[Adam Carolla]

You choose as an actor, as someone for whom the camera loves? Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You'd have to go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd have to go genital. Because you get the. Listen, when you do a TV series. When you do a TV series, you go to the Hollywood doctor. It's an old lady. It's kind of Dr. Ruthie. She will come to the set or she will come to. When we do the man show. She come to the office or you will go to her at her Hollywood office. And 82% of the talk is herpy talk. That's all.

[Allison Rosen]

Shoot around your breakout schedule.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now they have a lot of drugs and stuff. I don't know. You don't. But what if you're. Well, first off, half the people in Hollywood have fucked half the people in Hollywood, and half the people in Hollywood have herpes. And then you're doing a shoot and you're going to Prague for three months to shoot and you have a breakout in the middle of your fucking shoot, and you're George Clooney or you're whoever. That's gonna fuck things up quite nicely. Right, so.

[Allison Rosen]

So what do they do?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first they. First they have to figure out whether you have herpes, and that's where. And then they have to, you know, I don't know. Insurance, medication, like, whatever. But it's a big deal. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, never thought about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the cock herpes. No big whoop. I mean, when you're fucking your leading woman, you know, the co star, then it's an issue. But not for the camera, right? All right, so back to my daughter.

[Allison Rosen]

And at this point, she was on the phone, and you were signing up for your loser card.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And she's saying, I got a check with, and we have to verify. And I got to run through. And I thought I was just going to sign up with her and then get my 10% off and leave. And the next thing you know, she's on the phone with, you know, India, talking to somebody, and she's asking me questions, you know, how much do you make? What's your annual whatever? And I just go $55,000 because that sounded like. Sounded like a good number to say at Lowe's, you know, I don't know what the actual answer is. It varies a lot from year to year. But I just figure I'll give her 55,000. 55,000 bucks. Okay. Waiting. Waiting some more and waiting again. And that's been like 20 minutes. I'm starting to think about just fucking cutting bait here. Like, I want to get the fuck out of here. On the other hand, I've already gone this much time, and I got 1500 bucks worth of shit in this thing. I'm saving myself 150 bucks. I gut it out for another five minutes. Next thing you know, I'm on the phone with the lady from Bangladesh, and she's like, yeah, she asked me a couple questions. She says, what's your annual income? $55,000. And any income from rental properties? No. Any other source of income? No. Any supplementary income at all? No, just $55,000.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, let's just save $150 on this purchase, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Does that count? Well, I'm sorry, you don't qualify. She said, wow, my Lowe's card? And I said, I don't qualify? She said, no. And I said, I've been waiting around here for half an hour. What's not to qualify? Just give me a credit card. And then I come in and I buy a fucking Johnny Ring for my toilet or something. Like, what do you mean I don't qualify? You don't qualify? I said, can you tell me why I don't qualify? She said, no, I can't. But it'll be in the letter we send to the address saying you did not qualify. It will be outlined in that letter. I said, well, is it because I don't have enough income? And she said, well, you know, that would definitely factor in.

[Brian Bishop]

Factor.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a big factor. It factors in. But I can't tell you because it'll be in the letter. I can't tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

But seeing how it's the only information it sounds like you get, you don't qualify.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Those with the odd number, addresses that finish in the odd number, we immediately don't make the cut.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I said, you really can't tell me. I've been here for a half hour. My daughter's running a circle here. I got this big pile of wagon train of shit on my. The shopping cart. You can't tell me. No, I can't. I said, but maybe it's to do with the income. Possibly that would help. I said, all right. I make $500,000 a year. She went, oh, okay, hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

It was as simple as that.

[Adam Carolla]

She came back about 18 seconds later and said, well, now you qualify.

[Brian Bishop]

Give herself a raise.

[Adam Carolla]

I just blurt out any number I want.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the fuck she did. I don't know if she went and hit a keyboard. But if she did hit a keyboard, why didn't she just hit the keyboard before? I just yelled out $500,000?

[Brian Bishop]

It's hard to see why our economy is gonna collapse.

[Adam Carolla]

That is quite a discrepancy. Like, wow, did the boss man just come into the Lowe's and give you a huge raise, or did you have a brain fart there? Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you leave a zero off?

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't go, how'd you go from 55k a year to half a million a year? You just thought about it? I said, she didn't say anything. She just went, well, 500. I said, yeah, 500. Let's call it 500. And she went, all right, well, now you qualify.

[Allison Rosen]

So presumably she's just looking at something. 56 and under does not qualify.

[Adam Carolla]

Again, I'm not trying to get the black American Express and go get a Lambo. I'm getting a Lowe's card, which is, you know, biggest.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that place that working class people shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Biggest ticket item on the thing would be, like, a water heater or something, like a tankless water heater for $289. Like, I don't get where the 50. I picked the 55 as the common man's number.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll ask what everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Common man came to mind.

[Brian Bishop]

Why did you think of 55. Why. Why was the first thing came to your mind? You obviously make more than $55,000 a year.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I honestly don't know what I make. And I just picked a sort of random low number to get a. To get a Lowe's card. I didn't know, by the way. I thought you could tell them $8,000 a year. They just give you the card and then they put a limit on it of $100 or whatever it was. I mean, I've gotten.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you think you'd get two'd if you made half a million a year to them?

[Adam Carolla]

I've gotten cards, yeah. I've gotten credit cards from places back in the day that just put a limit on them or whatever it was. I didn't. Again, when they come up to you and go, would you like a credit card for basically Home Depot? You just think, oh, anyone they come up to signs up who has a Social Security number is gonna. It's gonna get issued one.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought it was hard to leave the store without one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I thought they just wanted to.

[Allison Rosen]

Hand them out you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just told them 55k because it sounded about right. And also, the person I was, I was working with. Veronica, you said the name tag on there. No, the one I was dealing with face to face, I had her more in the 32 to 37 range, so I didn't want to like, double her.

[Brian Bishop]

You were already big timing her.

[Adam Carolla]

I was already big timing her with the 55, an expensive chandelier.

[Mark Steines]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a bizarre conversation, though, to just give myself a bump from 55 to 500 grand and not have the person ask anything about it.

[Allison Rosen]

I was really curious. It makes me wonder because I would have thought that somehow this involves a credit check, in which case they would have a sense.

[Adam Carolla]

One would. Or why would they take your word for the 500? Especially after the 55 didn't work and then obviously I wanted my 10% anyway. It's a science, people. I'll do what everyone else does. I think they know what they're doing. I like that person. We got some hooray for Baldiwood coming up. I had a nice visit with my mom today where she asked me for the between 18th and 27th time, can I please get her a copy of. Of the book that she's in? And I told her, I don't have any with me. I don't have any at home. Sometimes we have them at the office at the warehouse, but those get brought on the road and Sold. So I don't exactly know merch and I don't have one, sorry. And I've switched publishers, so I can't go get any free ones now because I'm probably not on great terms with my old publisher. And she gave me the. Alright, well, just try to remember. And then I came in to the warehouse and I said to Gary, Gary, when did that book go on sale? And he said, June 12, 2012. And I realized we have passed the year mark. Now these are the Corollas in action. Now, I understand her point. She's taking a stand, which is she's.

[Allison Rosen]

Not going to support you financially.

[Adam Carolla]

That's part of it. That dovetails nicely with her other stand, which is why should I pay for my kid's book? On the other hand, you should know that every unit that gets sold helps the rankings and the ratings and the bonuses and things like that. And then every unit given away is just another whatever out of your son's pocket. I'd imagine, Brian, when your book comes out, that your family, your parents may buy 10 or so and give them out to friends, family members, neighbors and things like that, knowing that the 10 they buy is doing you some good and getting it out to the folks.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm glad you brought that up because I just had this conversation with my mom a couple days ago. I don't think a lot of people outside of the industry know about this because she's like, oh, a friend of ours, Lisa, a family friend, was saying, oh, when it comes, I'm gonna buy 10 copies. And my mom was like, oh, you don't have to do that. And I was like, mom, I would never ask anyone to buy 10 copies. But if they're going to, don't dissuade them because there's things called bonuses and if it's on bestseller list, if you outsell your advance, you get. So if they're gonna buy 10 copies. But like, my point is, I don't think everyone. This is common knowledge.

[Adam Carolla]

I think maybe, well, it's not common knowledge, but it's a half a lateral step away from no shit. Like whether you're selling tamales or books or tickets to a show, whatever it is, the more people that pay versus the people that get the comps. Nobody gets rich off a comp. And yeah, I'm not expecting her, she's not a literary agent, but she could go to Amazon and buy used paperback for $6.99 if. And that's what she needed.

[Allison Rosen]

And so your interpretation of this is that she's just not that motivated to read it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say that I have a theory that people usually do what they want to do in life. It's my sort of junkie theory, which is guy's been jobless and homeless for six years and manages to keep a $200 a day habit alive. That's motivation, you know what I mean? Like, people, when they want something, you take you. By the way, you take sex and put it in there. Like insert sec. When a guy's into Fill in the blank, he. He fucking finds a way.

[Allison Rosen]

Just recently thinking about the being in that age where. Or being that age where you'll just happily drive three hours to see someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Yeah. I mean, when. Yeah, you got the fucking. When you got the boner.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, when you got.

[Brian Bishop]

No road trip is too far.

[Mark Steines]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And it. All of a sudden, it all sudden. It ain't about money or nothing. I mean, there's a million and one reasons why you can't do X, Y and Z until you get a boner. Then they're all out the fucking window.

[Brian Bishop]

And I bet Gary could find it on Amazon. But there's got to be used copies now of not Taco Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I just said. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

For a couple bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Maybe. Yeah, I said 699. But maybe. Maybe you got to go as high as $8.

[Brian Bishop]

And someone tweeted us a picture of it in the library. Like someone's library said, oh, American humor books. And yours was there, so it is free if you wanted to find it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, for my mom and most of the Corollas, nothing trumps something every time. All right. Also, my son, happily, my daughter and my son went to go see the One Direction movie. My son's pretty pumped up about One Direction, which is very sad.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he have a favorite?

[Adam Carolla]

He's gay, Harry. I don't know. I'm just making that up. Here's a little blast from the past as people tweet me pictures all day long of a crazy narcissist with their bare feet up on the table at the diner, in the airplane, and their dogs everywhere and everyone's everything. And I never thought about this, but remember this? Remember those Saladays when you would go to the corner store, supermarket, what have you, and you'd see the dog chained up in front of the store, like just a leash wrapped around the hitching post kind of thing, like around the bike rack. And it was always a nice dog because if someone had a shitty dog, they Wouldn't leave it in front of the store unless they were super douchebags. So you do that move where you're walking in front of the store and you see that thing and you give it. You scrub the dog's head a little and you go in and you think to yourself, now I haven't seen that dog out front of the store for five years. And now I realize why it's not inside. It's inside the store. There used to be a.

[Allison Rosen]

You used to do that all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm going into a supermarket, I'm walking my dog, but obviously the dog can't come in the store. So I'll just tie the dog off out front of the store. Our kids gonna grow up in a world where they can't give that strange dog that weird, like, thing on the head. Weird stranger. Ruby, top of the head. Make the collar jingle around.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you ever worried about someone stealing their dog?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

That did not happen.

[Adam Carolla]

That didn't happen. And I don't think it would now either. For the most part, I think people are just narcissistic douchebags. Ah. Tell you who isn't a narcissistic douchebag. Audible, baby. Audible.com. you want to support the show?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you know who should sign up for this? Get a free audio book.

[Adam Carolla]

My mom. Yeah, Audible has over 100,000 books to choose from, including not Taco Bell material. 50 years Wall Be Chicks. Audible's offering a free audiobook, so you can try them out. Free baby audiobook for you of your choice again, audible.com ACE these things are so good. They make you better. They just do. You put them in. Put them in your phone. Just. You keep five or six in your phone and you never get. I don't know, you never get stuck. Plane gets delayed three hours. Pop in the earbuds, listen to the rest of Freakonomics or whatever you're listening to. Anyway, details are on the homepage there. That's audible.comace. all right. By the way, Dwight Yocum. Coming up, Dana Gould. Coming up, Frank Stallone. Lou Diamond Phillips. I saw him at the Soup. Great guy. All coming up very soon. We are going to jump on the phones in honor of Labor Day. Some bad jobs, exterminating cockroaches. Oh, man. I'll tell you what. Adam's on the phone. I looked in the. I looked in. I had this shitty thing happen. I looked in the wheel well. Not the wheel well, but the footwell on the passenger side of my car two nights Ago, just sort of look down where your coffee mug rolls around, and there was a spiderweb and a fucking spider right in the middle of it. And. And then it scurried right on up into that nether region behind the glove box of just wires and shit. Like, there's. There's no.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing you'd be afraid to reach into anyway because it's filled with spiders.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. And then I just thought, well, now what do I do?

[Allison Rosen]

Sell the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Sell the car. Like, what do I. What do I just. I should just torch it and collect insurance, probably. There's no way to get this thing out. Right. Like I could. Now, there should be a holiday fogger that you. For automobiles that smells like a Christmas tree or Playboy air freshener, but it's deadly poison. Yes. The hamper inside your house. You get your house fogged, you can get your tent, you can tan your car. So I had this bizarre thing. So I opened my front door a couple days ago. Huge praying mantis upside down on my door jamb. Right in the front door. Like, if you'd walked out the front door, you'd almost scrape your hair against this thing. I said, wow. Out comes the Tupperware, like we discussed. I don't know how they captured things before Tupperware. Out comes the Tupperware. The kids are all pumped up. You know, I get the praying mantis. You know, I get it in the Tupperware and I throw it in the bushes. Tonight, I'm leaving. I got the spider on my mind because I'm climbing into the, you know, Spidey mobile, and I same praying mantis now on the porch, not just on the welcome mat.

[Allison Rosen]

And now it's angry.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sitting there going, hey, I want in. And now it's up in, like, praying position. I'm thinking to myself, I should take this praying mantis, I should put it in the car.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

The praying mantis would go after.

[Brian Bishop]

Let nature take its course.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Eventually, I'd have to get an owl in the car to get the praying mantis. And then I'd have to get, like, a badger to get the owl. Then I'd have to get a hyena to get the badger. And then next thing you know, you just see Corolla driving around with, like, a panther's tail hanging out of the back and pawed out while I was driving.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a jaguar in your Jaguar.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, this guy. Let's see, line one, Jared 32, Long Beach. What's Going on. Jared.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, what's up, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

How's it going, my friend?

[Caller/Guest]

It's going pretty good. My worst job ever. My boss was in Palm Springs, a little over 100 degrees. My boss would drive us around on a pickup truck, and we sprayed insecticidal pen paint to kill cockroaches down that the hatch of sewers. So we'd sit on the back of a truck, we come up to a sewer, we get off, we'd almost get it. We'd almost get hit by a truck or a car. We'd open the sewer up, awesome stench would come out. And then cockroaches would come out and try to go up our pant legs in order to combat that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You know, this whole fucking heat, cockroach insect thing, it's so fucked up because the hotter you get, the more the windows are open, the more you're on top of the covers, the more you're in your underpants, and the more the fucking insects are on the ceiling of the bedroom and the cockroaches, everything gets active. You know, I fucking hate that. And Palm Springs, I think it's the guys, Queens of the stone Age. Those guys lived in Palm Springs. And one of them or two of them used to do, like, insulation. And when you picture climbing up into that attic space in Palm Springs during or do roofing or something, you just go, I. It's gonna sound weird, but we used to go to Palm Springs for, like, spring break. And we didn't have hotels or anything. We just sleep on lawn furniture and shit outside other people's hotels and stuff. Like, just jump in the pool, jump out, pass out on a lounge chair, and then get up the next day and go try to find a party. We were in my friend's dad's Bronco, and it was kind of O.J. kind of Bronco. And it was like Ray and Chris and the usual suspects. And we went to the supermarket to get some drink mix or something. And it was like one of those 118° Palm spring days. And we started fighting. And Ray was like, fighting in the back and fucking screaming. And the guy was driving the car. Snake. Snake yelled like, quit fighting. He was one of these guys had a lot of. He was kind of like your. I'll try to think of the guy's. Try to think of the guy's name, but he was one of these guys who could like, sort of put a cigarette butt out on his forearm, and he'd do it just to see if he could do it kind of Thing. And he was driving this Bronco and he like yelled at everyone to quit, quit with the fighting. But the fighting continued. And he said, all right then. And he turned the air conditioning off and he turned on the heat. You have no idea how well the heat works on a car in palm springs at 2 in the afternoon when it's 118 degrees outside. Like, the heat's like, oh, my God, is it on?

[Brian Bishop]

We're free.

[Adam Carolla]

We're free. We've never been turned on. It's boom. It's a V8 Bronco. And the heat is on. And he flipped. Fucking turn that heat on. And everybody. And he locked the windows and he's like, you stop. Everyone's going to get punished now. And everyone's like screaming for mercy now. It was the kind of thing where it's like you could put your head underwater for 50 seconds and you'd be, okay, cool. But if somebody held you under there, you'd panic because you wouldn't even if they'd let you off at 40 seconds. The fact that it's up to them and we're like screaming, no, snake, let us go. You know, we'll never fight again. All right, yeah, that's a shit job. Let's talk about some other shit shit jobs. I've said before, they're jobs that are boring. They're jobs that are, you know, we have like, you work with people you don't want to work with and they're kind of boring. And then there are jobs that are punishment jobs where it's hot, where insects.

[Allison Rosen]

Might crawl up your pants.

[Adam Carolla]

It's dangerous, where you're like sucking in fumes and dust and all sorts of shit like that. I've had a lot of dangerous shit. Like jobs where you punish. Like there's boring night watchman job and then there's. You see those 350 sheets of drywall over there on that pallet?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Upstairs. Bring them all upstairs where you've gone like, ugh.

[Allison Rosen]

The crazy thing is that those punishment jobs don't pay well.

[Adam Carolla]

They pay less than the non punishment jobs. The, the construction site is a little microcosm of that, which is the dude who gets paid the most. I hope you're sitting Alison like the architect. No, he shows up in the dress shirt and the slacks and does nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

He tells everyone what to do.

[Adam Carolla]

He's looking, he's sitting in an air conditioned room. He shows up once a week and he gets paid the most. The guy who gets paid the second most is the guy who works. Who's running the thing. But that guy is sitting in an air conditioned trailer or standing around telling other people what to do.

[Allison Rosen]

What's that guy called?

[Adam Carolla]

Superintendent, job, foreman, something like that. And the guy, he might strap on his bags every once in a while, but he's not doing any shit work. The guy gets paid less than that. It's just the carpenter, or like the finished carpenter, the guy's doing a little more, the high end work, doing the stair railings and the mantle pieces and stuff. He's getting 25, 30, 40 bucks an hour. But he's never doing any shit work. You know, he's doing the fine stuff. He's, he's. He's putting, doing the cabinets in the kitchen, that, putting the baseboard on. You know, he's not lifting heavy things or making a bunch of dust. Then you go below him, he gets. That's the carpenter. Then you get below him, you get this sort of Apprentice. He's getting 11 bucks an hour. Then you get down to the guys busting up the concrete, running the jackhammer, filling the dumpster buck, you know, digging with the five gallon buckets and hauling up the fucking side of the hill. That guy's making nine bucks now. So that guy is working the hardest. The donkey gets paid way less than the singing minor bird. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. The race starts in the equine family.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you're right. You're right. Yeah, he's doing the work. Yes. It's sad, but it's all laid out on your construction site. The guy who is lifting the most, most miserable, sweatiest, and dirtiest when he comes home and whose back hurts the most is definitely the guy who's getting paid the least. It's same with the McDonald's, basically. Although there's one guy gets, you know, manager, and then everyone else is kind of shit. But working that fucking grill at McDonald's is brutal. John?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, what's going on? Ryan?

[Caller/Guest]

Allison. What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, I gotta say something. A long time ago you said, I wonder if any escorts drive a Ford Escort. And I recently met a girl who used to be an Escort and actually got pulled over for prostitution in her Ford Escort. And they made fun of her so hard.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Joe Coy]

That is good.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it's ironic, but it's good. Yeah, that was me.

[Brian Bishop]

You were the celebrity in the.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, has there ever been a celebrity who's driven a Chevy celebrity? I think the answer is no. And there's never been a human being who's lived in Malibu, who's driven a Malibu.

[Brian Bishop]

And I countered with, yes, but I'm sure an escort had driven an escort.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, escorts do drive. Escorts on the. You know. Not Emperor's Club types. Yeah, that's good stuff.

[Caller/Guest]

Share with that with you. So I used to work at an animal hospital when I was 14. And that was. It was the worst job I ever had because I would. They were closed on Saturday, so Friday night we'd close up shop around six and there'd be somebody that came in over the night over overnight and, like, check on the dogs to give them medicine and food. But nobody would clean them. So overnight they would shit in these little kennels or whatever they were being held in.

[Adam Carolla]

And these were like.

[Caller/Guest]

We had tons and tons of rooms of these. And they would just sit there and they would roll around in their own shit and just feces. And the feces would get stuck in their hair and all the vomit would get stuck in their hair and it would dry out. So, you know, come around Sunday morning when I'm hungover. I'd have to go into each room and get a waft of just morning shit from all the dogs. Then I had to clean them and.

[Adam Carolla]

Get all this shit out. Cleaning the shit out of them. First off, I would just have a tank filled with vinegar, like hot vinegar and just make them walk the fucking plank.

[Allison Rosen]

That would be the worst smell ever. Vinegar plus.

[Adam Carolla]

I would not. No, all you'd smell was vinegar. I would. I would dunk those dogs. I would not clean the shit out of them. I would hit them with the hose. It'd be like first blood. I just get up.

[Brian Bishop]

Hosing them down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I do. Just chain them to the inside of their jail cell and just hose them down.

[Allison Rosen]

Is anyone else having the reaction I'm having, which is. I didn't realize that's what it's like for animals who are left in an animal hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not sure about the why they're rolling in their own shit part, but, yeah, it makes sense. They get left there and they, you know, they don't use the toilet.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like the better animal hospitals have people tending around the clock. Where was this?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what you would think.

[Adam Carolla]

Where was this?

[Caller/Guest]

It was Irvine, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I really do think people rely very heavily on the fact that dogs can't talk. And if you think about it, you know, you really can't do anything to people or anyone else who can communicate but you can cut some corners with a dog.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll just be that much. They'll be that much more excited to see you when you pick them up. Aw. Yeah, it's better than most animals haven't.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Some guy work for a paintball place. I cannot believe I've said this a million times. We'll find you these pictures whenever we drive and once a year make the pilgrimage to Laguna Seca. And if you look under my favorite tweets, Gary, you can find a. There's some website called exoticrecs or something. It should just be called Schadenfreude douchebag.

[Allison Rosen]

Where no one will be able to spell that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's true. But people get to see Lamborghini Murcielagos and Aventadors and Ferrari f whatevers just totaled and get to sit back and go, I could never afford a $2 million car, but that one's been wrecked. And that guy must feel horrible about himself. Somebody did put that picture, that million dollar BMW that was wrecked in the race I was at up on the flatbed. When we drive out there every year you drive past, there's the Sam Posey Hans stuck million dollar 1975 Group 5 car. It's crazy car, but anyway, you can check it out Adamcroll.com if you want. When you drive out to this racetrack on the way into town, you pass, all of you pass a farming community. It's all farms and they have all these pictures of giant workers and farmers like these big. They're not scarecrows, they're like advertisements or. I don't know what they are. You guys know what I'm talking about?

[Brian Bishop]

Sounds like a mural or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're like cutouts and we pass them every year when you take the Highway 1 and you take it in. And before you start to enter, right as you start to enter the Carmel Valley, there's all this farmland and they have all these farmers and migrant guys and everyone's way too happy to be there. But the 18 foot version of them is super happy. The 5, 7 version of them is not so happy to be in that field. But they're standing there smiling. And then when you come into the center of town, there's a whole other bunch of them. And we were just driving home and I said, don't kids own paintball guns these days? And someone. Yeah, you can buy them online. Oh my God. Could you imagine when you were 14 or 15?

[Allison Rosen]

Could you?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I said to everyone, my buddy Ray got hold of my friend Jack Donitz's spear gun. Spear gun. And fired it in his room into the hamper, through the wall, stuck it into the wall. That's his fucking spear gun. If he had had a paintball gun, which anyone can have these days, it'd just be driving around shooting billboards and shooting shit all over the place at any time.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. One of the highlights of vacations with my cousins when I was younger was firing the slingshot rocks out of a slingshot at like street signs, not on busy streets, like country roads. And making echo all throughout the field.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a gun that fires a ball of red paint, and there's an 18 foot tall Mexican over there. When there's no one around, what are you gonna do?

[Allison Rosen]

You don't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta take them down for the.

[Allison Rosen]

Safety of the other cutouts.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's insane. And I just go, why aren't these.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm surprised they haven't been tagged.

[Adam Carolla]

I get the feeling if they were out here, if the giant farmers were out here, Gary will find a picture at some point. If they were out here, they'd definitely be hit. I don't know what town it is. It's at the end of the one as it enters into the Carmel Valley. That's all I know. It's probably about 30, 40 miles away from the racetrack. All right, let's see a couple more. Yeah. Paintball. That's where we were. God, if Ray had a fucking paintball.

[Allison Rosen]

Gun, aren't you happy he didn't?

[Adam Carolla]

You'd still be purple in a way. Yeah, but again, he would. He threw a knife at me once and it stuck in my knee. He took the flaming marshmallow and stuck it to the side of my face. And he took Jack down. It's a spear gun. He fired it through the wall. I mean, in a way, a paint gun would have been a nice non lethal move, you know, he may have.

[Brian Bishop]

Rejected it simply out of the fact that it wasn't dangerous enough.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Nerf was available, didn't take to that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jason.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? What's going on, Jason?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, man, you know what's so funny? I live in the Central Valley, California. There are three giant farmer cutouts. I pass by each and every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, tell Gary where they are because we can't find them on the computer.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah, there's two. I'll take some pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll send them to you.

[Caller/Guest]

But, yeah, there's two in Tulare. And there's one on the 99.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll find them. Well, this is weird because you called in and I just looked up and it said paintball. And it just reminded me of those 20, those huge farmers up there. And now you're telling me you pass them every day?

[Caller/Guest]

Every day, man. I swear I will take pictures, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

This is one of those perfect. I'm going to go home and tell Lynette and she's not going to look up from her iPad. One. Freak out, baby. Oh, my God, it's exciting. Oh, freak out. You know, when I go to Laguna. Now she's probably starting to tune out when I say Laguna Seca. Laguna Seca. And then we drive on the way in. You know, I should do a subliminal thing. Here's how I should do this story. You know when we're going to Laguna. Sega, Bruce Springsteen. And we're going down the 99. We're coming into Visali, Bruce Springs.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and you know, I do the race every year. And we're coming east. Riband. We're coming in there. Wow. And so we're going down the 99. Now they got these big farms. River.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, okay, okay. I'm with ya.

[Adam Carolla]

And they have these huge, big, big cutout farmers. Patty, Whatever her last name is. It's a little wordy.

[Brian Bishop]

Scalpel.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop talking out loud. Okay, now it's uncomfortable. Oh, shit. The jig's up. Run. No, don't yell run. Start running, God damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this part of the story?

[Adam Carolla]

No legs move. Confusion. So I will go home and I'll go. And I was talking about paintballs, and then there was talking about these giant farmers. And. And the guy who called in lived right where the giant farmers were. She'll go, oh, my God, it's exciting. And I'll go, no. So weird because there's, like, passers by him every day. And that's what I was just talking about. Yeah, farmers.

[Allison Rosen]

I heard you. Farmers. It's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Now everyone would have that same reaction. I don't know why it has to be absolutely bizarre. Like, because I feel like no one ever has the appropriate reaction for some reason.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you believe it is a very just you thing?

[Adam Carolla]

It really is.

[Allison Rosen]

It's hard to get another person to feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

I literally was at a guy's house, a friend of mine's house, and he had a picture of a woman and a man in their 20s on. There's a giant farmers, woman and a man. And there's other ones, too.

[Allison Rosen]

One on the left looks like he's taking a.

[Adam Carolla]

The ones. First off, Ray would have rearranged these ones so that one was sodomizing the other one. And these still aren't the ones that we drive see on the way in, but you get the idea. I got some big head on ones that you see on the way in. This guy had a picture of a man and woman on his refrigerator. Friends of his that I never met. And I said, that chick looked like Janis Joplin. You know, just crazy hair, red haired, whatever. I said, hey, look at there. Janis Joplin there was pointing at his fridge. And he said, oh, believe me, she's no Janis Joplin. I don't know, maybe she was uptight or teetotal or something. And she said, she's no Janis Joplin. And I just pointed at the guy next to Janice, the woman. I said, well, he's no Bobby McGee. And he said, well, his name is Bobby McGee. And I said, that guy's name is Bobby McGee? Yeah, his name's Bob McGee. And I said, well, what are the chances you point at a random human being at a picture and you get the first and last name? And he said, yeah, interesting, because he.

[Brian Bishop]

Knew it was Bob McGee.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he knew it was Bob McGee. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But he should at least realize that there's no way you could have known that.

[Adam Carolla]

The chances of you. And obviously there's a backstory with Janis Joplin here, but the. What are the chance of you walking into anyone's house and pointing at a random picture so, you know, and hitting the first and last name of that human being? I would say almost nine. Very rare. But there was a context there and he knew him as Bob McGee.

[Allison Rosen]

So still though. Still though, if you knew Janis Joplin's work, you would think that when you said that, he would have said, no, but that is Bobby McGee.

[Adam Carolla]

I did want a little more, Jason. Yes, sir. All right, so you live by the giant Mexicans.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, I'm sorry, what was that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you live by the giant farmers and Mexicans.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah, they're all like. They're huge. That's the thing. They're very disconcerting because they're just huge.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't they. Don't they ever. Doesn't some right thinking individual hit them with a paintball or something?

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, something.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, can't somebody at least put a fucking pirate patch on one of them?

[Caller/Guest]

Anything like maybe like. Like a maxi pad or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Something for earrings?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, something make a smiley with ketchup for God's sakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, all right.

[Caller/Guest]

People don't know how to live, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It saddens me.

[Allison Rosen]

He's holding heads of cabbage like they're balls. Am I the only one who sees this?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's like he should have his cocktail nestled between those two things. All right, anyway, what's your question?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my.

[Caller/Guest]

My worst job ever. I worked at a paintball part manufacturing workshop. The lady who owned it was this pretty talented machinist. She made these quick release hoppers for paintball guns.

[Adam Carolla]

No more building.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it was pretty. It was pretty cool. I didn't do any of that though. But inside the building she had a small office. And I shared that office with her. Is probably 20ft by 20ft. And I would. I did a graphics. I cropped graphics and did graphic design for a web page that she owned and for paintball gun parts, of course. And she. There was no windows in this room and she was a two pack a day smoker. And she would smoke at least a pack of cigarettes in that room every day.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of Subaru did she drive?

[Caller/Guest]

It wasn't clear that she. That she was a trucker or you know, tube sock, like lesbian, but she probably was.

[Adam Carolla]

But she two pack a day or machinist who makes parts for paint gun hoppers. Just doesn't feel like Morgan Fairchild circa 1984 to me. But she had biological children. At threw me off. But yeah, yeah, yeah. People are all over the road these days. I gotta tell you. Every time I see one of these, like these shows where someone's gonna come in and fix up someone's house or something and they have like the gay couple and they're doing the thing or the lesbian couple. Women have so much fucking flexibility. They're literally more flexible. They can put their foot behind their head, but sexually they'll just fucking do anything. It's weird because they'll go like, oh, they're lesbian couple. They live together for five years. She has a biological son who's nine. It's like, this is. I don't think they're dudes. Dudes just don't have that kind of range.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so.

[Caller/Guest]

They never get to experience it. I mean, they just don't. They just don't have the range. You're right. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

We just don't. We're too uptight, man. The cock's too big a commitment. It Just is really, you know, man, it's a commitment.

[Caller/Guest]

It totally is.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. So she smoked. I mean, she smoked like a freaking. And it was just saturated in my clothes. And the grossest part ever I had, she was out of the office one day. I had to answer her phone. And there was a brown ear imprint on the phone. I don't know why, but I flaked.

[Allison Rosen]

It off with my fingernail flakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. I have to say, when I picked up the phone at Lowe's, you know, like the company phone. No, but it's the phone. It's just kind of the phone at the hub there that everyone, that all the 47 percenters are passing around to each other. I did get. I realized I've not been on someone's phone for a while. Like you don't realize it's a little. You can smell kind of who's on it, what's going on, and whatever hair products and whatever sebums like leaking off them. It's on the ear. Putting the earpiece and then the phone. It's a little intimate. You kind of forget about that. Now the phone. I'll tell you what you shouldn't forget about. LegalZoom, baby. You're starting a dream business. You want to be smart. You want to take care of this business. It can turn bad and it can turn bad fast. You got to insure your business and ensure your business is taken care of. Your personal assets. You've got to make sure everything is legally protected. And that's where LegalZoom comes in. LegalZoom.com They've helped over 1 million. That's million with a B. I don't know, it's just a name. Over 1 million business still impressive. Get started and they're ready to help you. If you're ready to launch your dream business with LegalZoom, you can save time, you can save hundreds of dollars. Let's get it cranked up here, people. Go to legalzoom.com today and see what's right for you. Form an LLC, get a DBA, incorporate, or form a non profit. All starting at just $99. Plus save even more when you enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Help ensure your business and assets are legally [e-mail] LegalZoom can provide self help services at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney. But they are not a law firm. Oh, right. I driving Natalia today to the Lowe's and she pulled out her iPad and she's like, do you know this guy? And pulled out Robin Thicke. Whatever. Sex Therapy. Yeah, I've seen that thing. Yeah, this is it. This is my new. It's her new thing. It's like, you just start thinking, what the. What are you going to do? 7 years old, she listened to Sex Therapy by Robin Thicke. Like, what are we going to do?

[Allison Rosen]

Just step up or step down from Rihanna?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a. I think it's a step up from Rihanna because Rihanna is a female, and she's kind of going, here's how you. Here's how you, you know, grind on a. On a pole, you know, kind of thing. Like, it's better than whatever the Snowflake song was she had or whatever the fuck it was.

[Brian Bishop]

Shining like a diamond.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, shining like a diamond.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember when I was. Was she seven? Eight? Seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

When I was that age, I had no concept of what sex was, so it's just a word to her. Like, she won't really understand what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, it doesn't. It. It. No, it.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm still not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't know what the fuck it is, but she's still getting in a little too much mirror time. And Rihanna still. Still singing the words, you know, like, you know, you want me, boy. You wish you could have me, boy, but you can't have me, boy, but I'll kiss you so hard your face will come off. And I was like. And they're just singing along. I don't know if they know what they're singing to, but it's. It's. It's ubiquitous. It's everywhere. And what the fuck are you going to do? Also, as I was. I'll take a break and I'll. It's funny. I was listening. Now, the thing about having kids is. Oh, you don't think you want to listen to One Direction? You will be listening to One Direction. And I was listening to One Direction, and I was like, oh, that sounds like a Katy Perry song. And then the. Only. By the way, I'm like a prisoner who has to keep himself occupied by counting the number of cracks that are on the ceiling and then dividing by something and trying to create some sort of math game in my head so I don't go insane. So because I have to listen to One Direction, I just try to pick out the parts of it that'll occupy my brain in some meaningful way. And I heard it, and I was like. And then I said, sounds exactly like that fucking Katy Perry song you guys were playing a year earlier that I didn't want to listen to. And then I went online and it was like, hey, guess who's producing One Direction? Katy Perry. And I'm like, oh, yeah. Same shit coming out of a different end. I'll find the song, I'll find the part. Maybe we'll figure it out. We'll take a quick break. Right back with news. Oh, and hooray for Bollywood after this. Yeah, back. By the way, Tommy Morrison. Tommy Gunn. Morrison. The Duke, I think he was. He was heavyweight champ for a couple minutes. He was, I think, the grandson of John Wayne or some. I think it was the grandson.

[Brian Bishop]

I know him best as Tommy gunn from Rocky 5.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he never got his due. Weird, tragic life. He was a good boxer, but he was a white guy, so people sort of didn't take him seriously. But he had a great left hook, and he was 49, 3 and 1. That's a pretty. With 44 knockouts, that's a pretty.

[Brian Bishop]

He's respectable. Is he heavyweight?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he is.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember he was thick, but I don't know if he was tall or.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, he's a heavyweight. He's 49 and three and 44 knockouts. That's better than a lot better than Tyson and better than Foreman and better than a lot of those guys. Now, look, you can put. You can pad a record, but he was a legitimate good fight. He was a great fighter. If you can pull up. I think if you guys want to have some fun. There was him and Razor Ruddock, Donovan. Razor Ruddock and Donovan. Razor Ruddock was a guy who just liked to fucking mix it up. And that's when I realized Tyson was a badass and a maniac because he fought Tyson and he. Tyson said after the fight. You can pause it for a second, Tyson, or we'll get to the knockout. Tyson said after the fight, he punched like a fucking mule. Kicks like. That's what he said about Razor Ruddock. Razor Ruddock would throw these huge uppercuts, and seven months later, Tyson was back in the ring with him. And I thought, when you find out there's a guy who punches that hard, you don't want to get back in the ring with him. But Tyson did want to get back in the ring with him. Yeah, so Tommy Morrison is getting his ass kicked this whole fight, and he's literally getting the shit kicked down by. By Razor Ruddock this whole fight. And he throws. He's out of gas, and he throws one punch where he just. Razor Ruddock loads up and throws something at him, and he Just comes right back with a hook and just drops. Just fucking drops this guy. I want to see the drop one more time. You got to go back a little bit. It was like I was watching his fight and Morrison was getting the shit kicked out of him and he was completely out of gas and. And he just threw this. Just. If you watch it again. Ruddock tries to throw his uppercut, he just misses and boom. He was a real fighter. He passed away and he got AIDS when he was like 26 or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Some weirdness where he may or may not have had aids.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm looking now and they're saying that he never tested positive for the virus that causes aids.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, there's some weirdness.

[Allison Rosen]

And he claimed that it was conspiracy and he didn't have it, whatever it was.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know, was he John Wayne's grandson? Anyway, crazy fucking life. It's one of these things where the guy was around 20 years ago and then you find out he's dead. And he's like, he's dead at age 44. And you're like, wow, he's been around for a while. But anyway, I don't like it. I don't know what kind of guy he was. Oh, he's his grand nephew of John Wayne. I don't know what kind of guy Tommy Morrison was.

[Brian Bishop]

Marin Morrison, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right. All I know is I don't like it when guys don't get their due. Like he gets passed off as an opponent, sort of tomato can and that kind of thing. He had the title. He beat Foreman for the title, held it briefly and you know, like I said, 49 and 3 with 44 knockouts. Pretty. Pretty damn good boxer.

[Brian Bishop]

Nothing to sneeze at.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So he will be missing just a story that's begging to be made. I mean, yeah, because there's so many.

[Allison Rosen]

It sounds like there's so many questions.

[Adam Carolla]

You got this white guy who is in a Stallone, you know, it was a Rocky movie, who is a legitimate fighter, who's really like sort of the great white hope in this thing, in this weird transitionary period when the title's getting passed around from Holyfield to Tyson to Foreman, Michael Moore to Foreman to guys like that. And here's this weird white guy who's related to John Wayne in the middle of this whole mix. And he's doing pretty good for himself. And then he's supposed to get aids, he tests positive, his conspiracy, whatever, he's out now, he's dead.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a Weird Tale.

[Adam Carolla]

It's at least a good documentary. All right, Speaking of movies, Bald Bryant has a review.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hooray for Baldiwood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spin bucks, remember, his taste sucks.

[Joe Coy]

He loved that train wreck piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Transformers 2. Hooray for Bounty War.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Nothing interesting to me coming out in theaters this weekend. So I reviewed a very small movie. It's limited release right now, but hopefully coming to a theater near you. It's called In a World. In a World. And I know Allison tweeted about seeing it, and we'll have some thoughts on it as well. In a World, written and directed by and starring Lake Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Very cool chick.

[Brian Bishop]

Very cool chick. Very talented. A good comedic roster on this cast. Demetri Martin's in it. Rob Cordry, Nick Offerman, Ken Marino, Mikaela Watkins. Geena Davis makes an appearance. Jeff Garland makes an appearance. Here's the story. Lake Bell plays sort of an aspiring voiceover actor, and it's in the world of voiceover acting, hence the title. You know, the iconic inner world. And it's the mission to replace that guy or to get that saying going again. It's sort of a comedic take on that. I'm not giving the plot a really great reading here because it's a very subtle, very understated story. The story is subtle and it's nuanced. There's some nuances going on. It's really smart, really enjoyable.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I just add one thing about the plot in the movie? Her father is a very, very renowned voiceover actor, and so she's all of a sudden competing with him. And that's where a lot of the tension in the movie comes from, that relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Her real dad owns a racetrack somewhere.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And she's a car nut.

[Allison Rosen]

Harvey Siegel.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't know one could own a race track. I guess it makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He said he's a car guy. She's a car gal. And I've had many conversations with her about that.

[Brian Bishop]

So, Alison, you liked it?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. I don't want to take anything away from your review, but I will say I had her, but I'm going to. I had her on my podcast. It was episode 159, and she talked quite a bit about the movie. And a lot of the. The father daughter stuff in the movie was, I don't want to say is autobiographical by any means, because it's not. It's. It is an acrimonious relationship in the movie, but taken from real life, you.

[Brian Bishop]

Can tell it's a really personal.

[Allison Rosen]

She has a complicated relationship with her father.

[Brian Bishop]

Directed, it stars, and it's her story, you know, for all intents and purposes. I loved this movie. I loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

You loved it?

[Brian Bishop]

I loved it. It's maybe the best movie I've seen all year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

It was, like I said, layered and surprising, nuanced. Honestly, it's why I go to the movies for movies like this, because we get lied to all summer long. Superman's gonna be great. It's not. Iron Man 3 is gonna be great. It's not. It's terrible. Star Trek and Lone Ranger and Hangover 3, they're all gonna be great. No, they're awful. But we get. We get fooled and lied into going to see these movies.

[Adam Carolla]

This movie was great.

[Brian Bishop]

A movie like this sneaks up on. I don't want to oversell it because I've already had one person tweet me and say, I went to see, you know, see all the hype's about. I'm telling you, I loved this movie. Some laugh out loud moments and so, so not introspective, but observant. Like really like her facial expressions. Lake. Bella's perfect. The way she sort of, you know, gets a laugh with just a look or her. A double take or something. It's. It's. She's great.

[Adam Carolla]

What's it doing on Rotten Tomatoes?

[Brian Bishop]

It's gotta be over 90%. Gary can probably look it up. Yeah. It's getting universal acclaim. Dark Horse candidate for best Original screenplay. It is so perfectly written.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually. At Sundance it won the best writer, best screenplay award.

[Brian Bishop]

I loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's awesome. So it's not wide yet?

[Brian Bishop]

No. And it's not a quirky. I think you'll like it because it's not a quirky like Little Miss Sunshine or one of these movies that gets. Gets a lot of cheap laughter. Being so cute and in love with itself and so precious.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a look out. Look how cool we are.

[Brian Bishop]

No. This is such a genuine comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

And delivers on its jokes and it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Funny and sweet and what I really loved about it is that it's actually trying to say something.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not trying to ram it down your throat. But it actually is because she's talking about the. How the omniscient voice in movies. Why is it always men? And so there's this. Could it, you know, and could it be a female. And she's really saying it makes you think about something you might have never thought about. And it's. I think there's something very earnest about a filmmaker who's trying to say something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we'll have to get her in here and have her talk it up because I. I'm in love with her. But it's. I'm all just about the car stuff. I never really got into the movie making stuff with her.

[Brian Bishop]

She's a real talent. I mean, I can see a long career for her acting and writing because it's. It's just, you know, when someone. Someone's telling a story and they just know where it's going. The story has confidence, man. It moves with confidence and it's a.

[Allison Rosen]

It's funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Great. A great cast. Demetri Martin was great. I don't normally. I've never really seen what other people see, but he was perfect. I love Demetri Martin in this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, good. So title and where One More in.

[Brian Bishop]

A World is the title. And you can, I don't know, look up and find if it's playing near you. Hopefully you'll be playing close to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, nowadays you can find everything. Some. It's gonna pop up on.

[Brian Bishop]

On Demand, a great date movie rental or whatever. Because guys and girls will enjoy this equally, I think.

[Allison Rosen]

What grade are you gonna give it?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian gets a solid A. Wow, wow, wow.

[Brian Bishop]

We enjoyed it very much. I look forward to you seeing it because it's a smart.

[Adam Carolla]

I do too. All right. We have an outro. Ah, smart movie. Smart people use on it. O N N I t. Your body's like a car, man. You fill it up with a bunch of bad oil and a bunch of bad radiator fluid, a bunch of bad transmission fluid, rear end fluid, rear end fluid. Oh, that's. That sounds bad, man. Onit.com. they don't go that way, man. They get you peak performance. They take professional athletes, top medical professionals, they put them together. They create foods and supplements to help you run at peak performance. Like Alpha Brain. Good friend Joe Rogan pops a couple of those bad boys for you to stand up and UFC broadcast. That's why he's so sharp. Plus they got supplements for mood and performance. They got the hemp protein, they got the. It's called Hemp Force. I got that. I got the. I use a jump rope tonight. Use a jump rope every night. Great jump rope, kettlebells, all that stuff like that. And really good pure coconut extract, which is really nice too. Onnit o n N-I-T.com Adam For 10% off your order, 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Your money back. Good stuff. Onnit.com Adam all right, see. Let's do some news, shall we? The news with Alison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Joe Coy]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Joe Coy]

Up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Diana Nyad, 64 year old Endurance swimmer, finally conquered her goal of swimming from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. She's the first person to ever do this without a shark cage. It's the fifth time she tried it. I would have given up. I would have never tried it. But it's not about me.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have given up around the third and a half.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was looking on Twitter, I was looking on her Twitter bio. It says inspiration to many in addition to other things. And I was thinking, did she write that herself?

[Adam Carolla]

They should put a plaque down in Florida wherever she landed, which was this goes out to all the Cubans who didn't have the intestinal fortitude to make the swim.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, actually she initially, she was in Cuba as a child and that's when she got this idea that she wanted to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean, they don't connect all the dots, but that is when she thought, yeah, I want to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a flattering sign for your country where people are like everyone sort of standing at the beach going, how far is that place over there? It's about 75 miles. You think we can make it in this truck? Inner tube.

[Brian Bishop]

There's only one way to find out.

[Adam Carolla]

Starts paddling like when people are literally when it becomes like a fucking Red Bull event where people are like strapping together pallets and truck inner tubes and making fucking paddles out of fucking flathead shovels and they're fucking just heading toward the United States as a country. Not a great.

[Brian Bishop]

Like when it's like castaway at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know, what is it, 70 something miles? 90 something miles? It's under 100, but I don't, I can't remember.

[Allison Rosen]

It took our 53 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, well then it must be 71.2 miles.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, just doing the basic math.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think it's 74 miles or something. Or is it 91?

[Allison Rosen]

It's either 70 or not 103 miles.

[Adam Carolla]

That's 100. Oh, she did the 103 route. She went around Cuba once and then took off. She's a fucking hot dog.

[Brian Bishop]

She needed momentum.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a straight shot that's under 100 miles.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she didn't swim.

[Adam Carolla]

As the crow flies, Carrie will figure it out. I'm just saying, like, it's pretty easy. Like, you take a wall, you put it through the middle of the city, and you go, what side's this? That's West Berlin. People are having lunch, seem like they're having a good time over there. What side is this? That's East Berlin. What do people do other they're getting shot in the back because they get tangled up in the barbed wire, trying to get to the side where people are enjoying them themselves. And then you just go, well, what government is this? One where they're not trying to escape? And then the one where they are trying to escape. And then it's pretty simple. The government where people are getting caught in the barbed wire, and then the government where people are drowning because they take their entire fucking family and make a raft out of pallets and try to hope that the fucking trade winds carry them to Florida. That's probably not the good government, or can we not judge?

[Allison Rosen]

Not exactly the same, but similar. When I was choosing where to go to college, the first place that I looked at, I really thought I wanted to go till I used the bathroom. And there was all this graffiti from students talking about how they wanted to get out of there. And I thought, I think this is not where I'm going to go.

[Adam Carolla]

90 miles from Cuba, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, There should be a fish version of as the crow flies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

As the fish swim as far as the twins.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. As the tuna swims. So Diana and I had finally made it.

[Allison Rosen]

As she crossed, she said, I have three messages. One is we should never give up. Two is you never are too old to chase your dreams. Three is it looks like a solitary sport, but it's a team.

[Adam Carolla]

I say, Nate. All those. It's definitely her in the water swimming with a shark cage.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm wondering how they do that.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple things. First off, I think the jellyfish, like the man O war shit, is worse than the sharks, number one. And number two, I want to know what's the deal with sharks? Because I hear two. You know, I grew up with Jaws, and that was like, oh, they're man eaters. Then I grew up with a bunch of guys with ponytails going, you don't understand. They're docile, friendly sea creatures who all. They just want to get along. And then there's Shark Week. And then there's footage of the surfer getting her armpit off. Which is it?

[Brian Bishop]

Which is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Which is it? With the sharks. And then, by the way, what is not comforting to me is. Oh, no, no, no. Nothing personal. They think you're a seal.

[Allison Rosen]

That's insult to injury.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that. Yeah, obviously it's not flattering as far as my body type goes.

[Allison Rosen]

Which kind of seal? Like one of those sleek cute ones or an elephant seal?

[Adam Carolla]

Like the.

[Allison Rosen]

That kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Elephant seal with back knee.

[Mark Steines]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they go after them first. And then the fact where the great white just comes up underneath me and just wants to taste me and then spit me out. Like, it's not comforting.

[Allison Rosen]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like saying, I was jogging and what happened? A guy in a semi truck ran me over. What happened? Well, he thought I was a Nazi. But you're not. Yeah, I know, but he didn't know. It's like, oh, okay, then I can feel good when I go jogging. Like, no, I'm scared I'm gonna get fucking run over by a Jewish truck driver. Hi, I'm Debbie Dootson Duesenberg. Hi, I'm Debbie Duesenberg. I'm Debbie Dudsenwitz.

[Brian Bishop]

Are there any Jewish truck drivers?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please, no. None that anyone I know. I'm friends with a lot of Jewish.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of good friends, a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Of my dear friends. I do that. I'm gonna use the same extrapolation people use with race.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a lot of best friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Some of my best friends are long haul Jew. You know, we got a load of yarmulkes at menores. We gotta make it into. We gotta get into Macon county before the 42 hours.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't haul, like, normal stuff. They haul Jewish specific stuff. Jewish stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I got a batch of gefilte fish and smoked salmon. It's gonna go bad in the next 18 hours. Right now. Get these 18 wheels a rolling.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, so, yeah, it was jellyfish. Was one of the reasons in the past that she couldn't complete the swim. Once it was jellyfish, once it was a lightning storm. Oh, once she was just sick.

[Adam Carolla]

Simon Wiesenthal, you got your ears on? All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that Jewish CB talk?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess so. All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

So she made it.

[Adam Carolla]

She made it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Allison Rosen]

But by 7:30am she was slurring her speech because of a swollen tongue and lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm wondering. I don't think she got stung by jellyfish this time. Well, hopefully not, so. So I'm wondering why she was swollen. And is it just something about being in the water?

[Adam Carolla]

I think you're brining yourself for, you know, how many hours?

[Allison Rosen]

53.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a lot of cold hours. A lot of hours to be in the water.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even think I have the geographical know how to have this kind of goal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she has a support, whatever that is.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. There are swimmers who go ahead of her to keep the jellyfish and sharks away, apparently.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't volunteer for that.

[Allison Rosen]

No, me neither. And then there are boats that are surrounding her as well. But I'm just saying to choose a body of water and say I want to cross that, it wouldn't be me.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And I don't feel like it ever needs to be me. Like, I just feel like, well, there's a body water. They have things called boats and airplanes and helicopters, things of that nature going back to sharks.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not really even like, are you comfortable swimming in the ocean? Are you comfortable swimming in things that aren't pools?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I am comfortable in the ocean. I just don't like when I hear the story or then the shark cage, like, well, I need a shark cage for. It's not that big a patch of ocean, and I mean, there are sharks, but. So if in your boat tipped over when you're fishing, there'd be be a good chance you'd get hit by shark. Like just again, I in or out with the sharks? You know what I mean? I feel like we've done a little too good a job of defending them lately.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm, mm, mm, mm. Cast has been announced for 50 Shades of Gray. Brian, will this be something you review?

[Adam Carolla]

Drew hates that book.

[Brian Bishop]

I probably will.

[Allison Rosen]

I hate that book for different reasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Dr. Drew just thinks it's horribly. Well, yeah, I don't know if it's different reasons or not, but he just fucking hates it. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Why does he hate it?

[Adam Carolla]

He thinks, A, it's poorly written, I think number one. And then B, he thinks it's really a story that's glorifying somebody who's. I don't know, a victim or something. I don't. I don't know. I don't. Or neuroses or whatever it is. I don't know what the story fully is. I just can't believe in this day of you porn and pictures and stuff that people are still reading. I mean, about, you know, sex. It just seems like a weird thing to read about. I mean, it's definitely a chick thing. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't this chick's thing because I tried to read it. There's a lot of words in between the sex scenes. A lot of plot that's not good.

[Brian Bishop]

I will do away with that.

[Allison Rosen]

But the sex scenes themselves, though not. I did not find it titillating at all because it is poorly written. True. And I agree with that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he says. It's not well written at all.

[Brian Bishop]

Who's in the movie?

[Allison Rosen]

Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy will portray Christian Grey.

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck is that?

[Allison Rosen]

And Dakota Johnson, who's Don Johnson and Melanie Johnson's daughter will portray Anastasia Steele. Dakota Johnson was in that short lived series, Ben and Kate.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

That I think is. Josh Gardner's cousin starred in that. Right? Nate Faxon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Nate Faxon. Defrac guy's cousin was in that. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So she's good. So that's them all right. Hooray.

[Adam Carolla]

Won't say that.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a skyscraper in London which is shaped in this way that is making it. So the windows are sort of acting as a magnifying glass and scorching cars that are parked there. They already destroyed the plastic on a Jaguar and a bunch of other cars as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that crazy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We need to hit a giant ant hill with that thing, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's like. It's like for people at home. It's like convex or it's concert. It's concave. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It would like act like a magnifying glass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It looks like. I don't know, it looks like a skyscraper in a funhouse mirror.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And we.

[Brian Bishop]

That is poorly designed.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting. And I was looking at my mom's poor car today because it's been 105 degrees out here in the valley and I think she's gonna make it to the grave without a carport. And I've been telling her to put a fucking carport. She just parks her car in her blacktop driveway and it just gets fucking sunblasted all day. And it's not. It's an old Volvo. But Volvos don't have bad paint. This one does because it's just the sun. The sun. I have the same relationship with the sun that I do with sharks. You know, real.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't know what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

What's up? All right. Without you, we wouldn't be here. But on the other hand, you're giving a lot of people cancer.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll give you that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Kicking the Shit out of my mom's Volvo wagon.

[Allison Rosen]

You're so right. What you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Bleaching out my carpet.

[Allison Rosen]

About everything. Becoming active in the heat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Moles. Suspicious moles. Your cats are melting.

[Adam Carolla]

You're firing up cockroaches and cancer. You're bleaching shit out. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

You make plants grow, but all right, that's in the pro column.

[Allison Rosen]

A little goes a long way with the sun.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me say this. You're so great, but people can die by being exposed to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? I like Albert Brooks. When I was exposed to Albert Brooks, I wouldn't die.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. You could fly too close to Albert Brooks.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You will eventually burn out someday, son.

[Adam Carolla]

You and sharks need to get it together, son. Spelled the other way. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, I'm over the sun. Yeah. So this building, it's called the Walkie Talkie Skyscraper. But people who know it have been referring to it as. Get ready for some humor. The Walkie Scorchy building.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I feel like there needs to be a board that signs off on that stuff before they move forward with it.

[Allison Rosen]

As with the name or the plans for the shape of the building.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the name, plans. I don't care about the name. We're not moving forward with the walkie Scorchy part of it.

[Brian Bishop]

It looks like a building like in the movie where the big city gets destroyed. Like a big monster squeezed it in the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it just. It has. It looks like what buildings look like when you're high on mushrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I was thinking about? Tell me if you're with me on this one. I'm tired of things being referred to as a love letter to some city. I was listening to a show and they were talking about a movie, and one of the women said, now, is this like a love letter to Chicago? And the other one explained that. No, actually, they don't really show Chicago in it at all.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's replaced. It's replaced on steroids. So.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So at least count your lucky stars that this is whatever fill in. You know, they'll do. They'll do the movie, the book, the roller coaster, the. Whatever. The city, whatever it is. And then on the car. On steroids. You know, it's like a Miata on steroids. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what they used to be on acid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So went from acid to steroids to on crack.

[Brian Bishop]

Was big for a while.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to write a love letter to who? Hulu Plus. That's right. Who? Hulu Plus. Thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere. You can stream them on your tv. You can put them on your smartphone. You can put them on your tablet. Snl, Community, Modern Family, South Park, Family Guy. All there. Just $7.99 a month. You can catch up on your current shows. You can binge on your old favorites. Original shows, like, by the way, they got an original program like the Awesomes and Quick Draw. You can try Hulu plus for a couple of weeks. Free. Free. Free. Just go to AdamCroll.com, click on the HuluPlus banner or go to HuluPlus.com Adam. So HuluPlus.com Adam for the free extended trial. Help keep the lights on over here. Thank you. All right, what else we got? Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

Have an article here with the headline, adam Carolla Writing Book President. Me. I think it's about you, and I think it's about your new book.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

From HarperCollins imprint it books. And it says that the book will be a blueprint for the world you'd like to see. Yeah, it says he'd, but it means you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he'd like to see, but it's you. Yeah, that's me.

[Allison Rosen]

So, want to tell us about it?

[Adam Carolla]

I had a. I did. I switched publishers because we were going back and forth with them, and they just didn't kind of get off shit or get off the pot, as they say. So my book agent just went out to somebody else, and then the somebody else, whoever the new guys are, the IT guys, IT books are, but they're a subsidiary. HarperCollins was also owned by Beatrice and Dow Corning or something. There's several teams. Everyone is owned by everybody now. So I don't know who anyone is anymore. But it was one of these things, and it's a little life lesson, and it happens all the time. By the way, my last publisher, Suzanne, I love a lot. But they went to them and they said, you know, make an offer. And they were like, yeah, all right. And then come up with an offer. So unbeknownst to me, my book agent went out and said, all right, who else is interested in doing Adam Carolla book? And these guys were very interested in doing Adam Karolla book. So he went back to them and he said to my old publishers and said, guess what? Someone's interested. And then they do what everyone does. They went, what? And they went, yeah, we went to someone else. They went, what the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

So, like, you had a two Book deal. Is that right? And then now you weren't in your contract anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I did a book and then I did another book for them. And there were things about him I liked and things about him I didn't like. As I've said a million times, the whole audiobook thing, the second audiobook thing was somewhere between. It was a semi retarded attack or I don't know. I don't know what it was. It showed. I have my stupider liar thing. This is insane or horrible business person.

[Allison Rosen]

So they just assumed. But you think that they just assumed that you would stick with them because that's just because of inertia.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was. I had been pissed off at them because of the second audiobook. I did the first audiobook and because I'm windy and I don't read that well and I do a lot of vamping. I did a book, and there's no exaggeration, I did a book audiobook that covered 10 out of the 17 chapters. I don't know how many chapters my first book was, but I covered a little more than half the book. And because of how people consume me via the podcast and things like that, I sold a lot of units of the audiobook. And the audiobook's big profit because you just click your mouse and it's 21 bucks or 19 bucks or whatever it is. And I said, oh, we got another book in us. And I realized I only did half the book. We'll do a follow up. We'll do a part two. No one's ever done this before where you do an audiobook and then you do part two of the audiobook with the material that you didn't get. So I presented that to them and I said, how about this? We will do it. I will do it. I will do it here. I will do it in my studio here. I will have Dawson will engineer it. Mike lynch will produce it. He'll be in charge of pulling out all the bits that we covered in the first one and not in the second. And we'll split the money right down the middle. How about that? Manna from Heaven, as they call it? And they said, we'll give you $5,000. And I said, no, it's going to be a ton of work on my behalf. Doing one of these audiobooks is a long, many multiple sessions in that audio booth and lots of hours and lots of work and 5000 bucks just not going to cut it. But what we will do is I'll do all the work and then we'll split it down the middle. And they said, $15,000. And I said, no, because I know how many downloads we did of the first book. I've done the math on the first book, chapter, chapters, as it was of the first book. And no, we'll just split it. But you should be happy that we're splitting it because no one does a second audiobook. They just do one and you get the profits from it and then that's that. This will be a second source of income for you guys and you will do nothing. And we will split this right down the middle. And they said, well, 15 grand, take it or leave it. And I said, no, I'll leave it. I don't know why you doing nothing and getting half would be something that you would object to. Maybe you're trying to send a message to me, which is, you don't bully me. People do this all the time. We work with hack producers named Stone Stanley who used to do the man show. At a certain point, Jimmy got fed up with him. I got fed up. Everyone got fed up with them because they're hacks. And somebody said to him, you cannot be on set or on stage or whatever. Jimmy just said, no, no being on stage when we're doing the man show. And then sure enough, I'd ask where they were when we're shooting the man show. And one of them would be in Israel. And I'd say, and then someone look at me and go, that's got a sting, doesn't it? And I go, I wish someone to throw me off the fucking set. But I just get, I just, I'd go fucking vacation. And then they don't. They don't. You still get the checks. You just don't have to do anything. So I wish someone would come to me with an insulting proposition where they split the money with me over not doing anything and insulted that I don't take their initial insulting, insulting offer. But I said, no, we will split it. And they said, well, no deal. And I said, okay, I don't know if you're trying to send your hard working New York Times bestselling author a message. Hey, no more good ideas to make us money without us knowing about it or we're not going to be bullied by you and your good ideas. I don't know what it is. It's a kind of backwards industry. So I said, well, fuck it then. And I said, fine. And I said, fine. And then they did something that is, I don't know, somewhere between fiduciary Irresponsible and just sort of cowardly. They came back a week later and went, all right, we'll do it. Which is a chickenshit bullshit move. You don't say to someone, final offer, take it or leave it. That's it. And you go, forget it. And then you just come back a week later.

[Brian Bishop]

Best and final offer is your best and final offer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they came back a week later and they went, fine, we'll split it. And I said, first off, why am I forced to fucking have a hoedown with retarded people every fucking where I go? Do you know what I mean? Why do I have to fucking hit the dance floor with idiots? And again, I would like to separate my producer and my editor from this other group of idiots. But why do I have to do six weeks of fucking the dance of the tards? You know what I mean? Why can't someone just go, hey, that's a good fucking straight up head. First off, good idea. Secondly, yeah, boss, let's do it. As a matter of fact, you do it. You send us the checks.

[Brian Bishop]

Heads up. Play, Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it's. We're having a fucking retard hoedown. Everyone hit the floor. And then you fucking sit there and waste your fucking time. Your agent called. She called, she's pissed off. She's coming back. He's offering, she's saying.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's so much ill will at.

[Adam Carolla]

That point, again, what do we live to? 175? 180. So I said, listen, half. That's it. We split the costs. We split everything and we split the profits half. And you do nothing. And they said, okay, let's do it. And I said, okay, let's do it. And I said, now Dawson will need $1,000. And by the way, that's cheap for the amount of hours he's going to have into editing this thing, engineering this thing. And then Mike lynch will need $1,000, and that's cheap, too, for the amount of time he's going to spend producing this thing and separating the material and doing all that kind of stuff. And I will then donate or essentially throw my facility, my equipment. Equipment. My expensive equipment, my building, my facility that I built here.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a dollar value attached to the microphones, for example.

[Adam Carolla]

At least $800 a day. At least 800 a day. You do one of these books. I did one of these books already. It costs $3,000 for the facility that is down the street from where we are. That's what the facility costs and it's going to take us multiple days. You guys pay Dawson 1000, Lynch 1000. That's $2,000. And I will donate what will be over $2,000 worth of equipment and facility to make this audiobook. And they said, you said we're splitting it. And I said, we are splitting it. You pay 2,000, you'll get 2,000 plus worth of studio to be used on multiple days. No, you pay Dawson 1000, will pay Lynch a thousand. That's the deal. And I said, are you fucking high? You have to be fucking high. And by the way, what are you saying to me other than fuck you? You're saying either we're the worst business people on the planet or we're saying fuck you. Or maybe a combination of fuck you were the world's worst business people on the planet.

[Brian Bishop]

It's more one than two. It's penny wise and pound foolish where we're gonna let this thousand dollars get in the way of making tens of thousands.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And see, I feel like the fuck you is what I'm hearing.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so. Maybe it's a big fuck you because who says no to passive income? You don't know it was fuck you because I was the first author to force them into this position. They went from 5,000 to 15,000 to fuck you, to fine, we'll do it to fuck you.

[Mark Steines]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That was their path. That was their dance card at the Retard hoedown.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they had a fussy finish.

[Adam Carolla]

So my thing was it's $1,000 to each one of these guys and I will provide the facility. If you'd like to go to another facility, then it'll be $3,000 and we can split everything in half. It's still going to cost you more. And their thing was take it or leave it. And I said, fuck you again. Now I'm not in business with them, so mission accomplished.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're surprised by that, according to you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Very, very surprised. And it felt like an attack.

[Allison Rosen]

They said that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what happened was, is my agent not. I didn't command him to do it. He said, look, these people aren't getting back to me. Just here's a little business lesson to everyone. They're not getting back to me. So you know what? I'm going to go out there and shop it around. I've called this person for a date three times. I've got a date with them. I'm fucking going out to a club, see what the open market will bear.

[Brian Bishop]

Standard business practice, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So because my last two books were on New York Times bestseller list, of course, immediately got someone to go, oh, he's single. Yeah, we'd like to dance with him. And so we had somebody. And then my book agent did what a decent book agent would do. He went back to them and he said, we have somebody interested. And they went, what the fuck? And he said, well, you wouldn't return my emails or my calls. And they were like, that's bullshit. They did. The second piece of shitty business that people do was, you should be in fix it mode, not insult mode. People do this all the time. You tell people, hey, man, you got to get your shit together or you're going to be out the door. And they go, I gotta get my shit together. You gotta get your. Fuck you. How dare you come to me and point your finger at me. And it's like, uh, you gotta be in fix it mode, not fuck you mode. Get out of insult mode and get into make this right mode. So he basically said to him, look, we got a proposal. It's a good proposal. You put together a proposal. That's better. And we'll go with you, but hurry. Time's a wasting, clock's a ticking. And I don't know, week went by, didn't hear anything, and went, well, I guess we're going with the new publisher. And then they were devastated. But again, how. My point is always if you want to do what you want to do, you really want to be in business, you come back the next day.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it sounds like they just wanted to make you feel bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's impossible to make me feel bad. I don't have nerve endings. But if you think you're gonna get me to feel bad over this fucking second audiobook, oh, God damn. I. And if you think you're gonna get me to feel bad because, like, oh, you're talking shit. I'm not talking shit. I'm telling the truth. I'm telling the truth. You guys are fucking horrible and insulting, and I gave you a fucking deal. And you shoved it. My fuck, he shoved it up my ass. And by the way, I'm probably out 50 grand, too, just because I'm a dickhead.

[Brian Bishop]

How's the anger management therapy going?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go again. Fuck stick. Bald fucking stick.

[Allison Rosen]

So wait, what's this new one gonna be about, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh gives a fuck. You know, I was just sitting around and I just sort of doodled down President me, the America that lives in my head. And I just realized, oh, this will just be me just in If I was. You know, we used to do a bit on the man show called When I. When I. If I Were King. And it's just here's Would be the policies. If I Were King. Oh, and this will be it. They'll be Department of the labor and Interior and Defense. And then I'll point some, you know, airport czars and things like, you know, it's the usual shit.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynch is gonna write it. All right. He'll surprise me, though. He's a good kid. Where were we? Yeah. Bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, cunts.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Now, how crazy is that fucking audiobook story?

[Brian Bishop]

Footnote. I was biting my tongue because I've not had the same experience as you. I really. So far, I've loved my editor and all those people and everyone involved, but I have found so far, the. Specifically, the audiobook portion of the industry, the book industry is very backwards, very kind of screwed up. Like, it's a very. That part of it is very strange. It works in a weird way.

[Adam Carolla]

They're also.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you had an extremely pleasant experience. But I've said.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said to him, at some point, I said, look, I have a huge following in Portland and I have a huge following in Seattle. You guys buy me a ticket on Southwest. I'll leave Burbank Saturday morning. I'll fly into Seattle. I'll do a noon signing in Seattle. Then I'll need a ticket from Seattle to Portland. I'll do a five o' clock signing in Portland and then I'll fly out of Portland. I'll get back to LA. I'll get back to Burbank at 10 o' clock at night or whenever. The last flight out of Portland is to Burbank. For the price of a couple Southwest tickets, I'll go do two huge signing events and Seattle and Portland will just pick a Saturday out. And they wrote back and said, airfare, accommodations. And I was like, no accommodations, just airfare. Southwest tickets. Just you buy me a Southwest fucking ticket ticket, and I'll go sell 500, 700 books in Seattle and Portland. And they're like, I don't think so. That's the book business, mainly.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that's why it's flourishing.

[Adam Carolla]

I think mainly to be fair to them. It was my idea. And so was the second audiobook. And when you come to people and it's your idea, you get a lot of not so fast hot shots. So to be fair to them, this great idea came from me and that's probably why they rejected. But when they did that second audiobook thing, I was just so fucking rip shit at them, I just couldn't get past it. And I didn't care whose fault it was or who dropped it. And the idea that it got to the point where they drew a line in the sand and they went, you pay Dawson and we'll pay Lynch.

[Allison Rosen]

Just a pissing match from them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I said, you want to pay, then you can pay me then pay me 2,500 bucks for my facility then. How about that? No, no. They kept saying, you said we're splitting it down the middle. And I said, we are. Except for I happen to fucking own a facility that I paid thousands of dollars for equipment and I built so that you must factor in. People are so fucked up.

[Allison Rosen]

It's very disheartening.

[Adam Carolla]

But by the way, this is the publishing industry. This is one of the biggest publishers in the world. You know where I go. Did you ever have any idea adults would be this stupid? Did you ever have any idea? Maybe garbage men. These are fucking publishers. This is how fucking dumb they are. Alright? So enjoy life without the ace, man. DraftKings these guys aren't dumb. These guys are geniuses. DraftKings.com they celebrate with millions in cash prizes. One day fantasy sports means you never get locked into a season. You live to fight another day. We're in full effect with the collegiate ball there. Yes. Brian College.

[Brian Bishop]

I was drafting my fantasy team earlier today to the actual like you know, full on fantasy team for the year. And I was thinking if one of these players gets injured, I'm screwed for the whole year, right? That's what I'll be playing DraftKings this year. You know why? Injuries, one game. You live to fight another day.

[Adam Carolla]

Pray these guys have career enders. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I'm hoping for.

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as you get halfway into the fourth quarter, you pray for career enders because you're going to live to pick another day. You start your acl, anyone can enter for just a couple of bucks and win themselves big time cash prizes. Guy won a hundred grand first time out. Dawson. And you can play for free. Yes. [e-mail] Enter Adam with your first pay game and get free entry into the million dollar kickoff bash. Seriously, free entry that could win you thousands just playing fantasy football. Use [e-mail] DraftKings.com all right. Mean Dennis Prager San Bernardino Theater, Performing Arts. Love me some Dennis prager. Also Waukegan, Illinois, Genesee Theater, me alone. Stand up, September 28th, us over to Malfi with Dana Gould. Coming up this week, M15 Concert Bar and Grill. Coming up on Sunday, September 15th. You can say hi, Alison Rose and new best friend Dave d'. Amoshek. Who gives a fuck? Every Monday and Thursday you get on it or you can use our app or you can go to AllisonRosen.com so until next time, I'm Sam Crow for Alison Rosen and Paul Brian saying mahalo.

[Caller/Guest]

People don't know how to live, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Crollo Show 1155.

[Brian Bishop]

Coming up next, we have Adam Crolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Show 1170 featuring Marc Steines, Joe Coy and Brian Bishop.

[Brian Bishop]

Alan Allison's absent for this one. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

And one of your favorites, Jo Coy.

[Joe Coy]

Hello, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, Joe. Allison Rose is not with us this day. She will be back tomorrow, do not worry. But Ball Bryant is taking over the news. You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Nancy B. 73 used the hashtag top drop on Twitter to hear that.

[Adam Carolla]

Very, very packed show. Lots of stuff. Mark Stein has come by too, as well. Joe Coy, gonna be a Cobbs comedy club. Love Cobbs.

[Joe Coy]

I love Cobbs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great club. I love it. Little light in the security. I found that the crazy woman who stalked me was able to walk up the stairs and come visit me. My dressing room, that happened to me.

[Joe Coy]

Same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Just goes right up to the, to the top. The dressing room's above the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

And just walked right up the steps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a certain thing about security, which is security is either insanely it's 110% or it's 4%. It's never really appropriate to what's going on. So either meaning this, it's either this, it's you're at the airport, you're with your twins and somebody's yelling at the kid to take his iPad stand down. Yeah, like stand down. Guns drawn. No, but it's like take the shoes off and take the. You know, it's like too much. Just seven year old kids. There's that. And in which case it's too much. Then there's this weird part where there's certain places and you realize, I mean, this goes all the way just a notch below the presidency where it's like you hear about the guy who's like, well, the mayor of Los Angeles woke up and he found a homeless guy standing at the foot of his bed. You know, there's like, a lot of. Like that too, where you go, like, how easy is it for people? You go play a comedy club, people will just walk into your dressing room and sit down. There's nobody standing by the door. There's nobody telling them they can't go that way. If you go to Cobbs, they'll walk right up the stairs. I've had many instances where just crazy chicks were just standing in the dressing room and nobody really said anything at all.

[Joe Coy]

I had a fan come into the dressing room, and then the manager is right behind that person.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

As if it was normal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the scariest part is the person you don't know is insane who's sitting in your dressing room had this happen where there's a couple of people you do know, because there's always, like, that's Stan Makowski, and he does the promotion for the club, and he wanted to say hi because he's a huge fan. And then there's a chick who's standing next to him. Stan doesn't know the chick. You don't know the chick, but you think she came with Stan. So you both.

[Brian Bishop]

You're kind of addressing 30% of your comments to her, Right? How's work these days? Turn your head a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

We've had it happen in Phoenix, in Arizona at Stand Up Live, where at a certain point, I went out to sign bottles of Mangria. I came back 40 minutes later, the same nutty broad was just standing there. At a certain point, I went, do you know? Because you all think, oh, this is a friend of the guest who came, and no one wants to be rude. By the way, she thought she was.

[Brian Bishop]

A friend of the guest.

[Adam Carolla]

We are missing twin towers because people didn't want to be rude. You know, people die because people don't want to be rude.

[Joe Coy]

Just be rude once.

[Adam Carolla]

Rude. At a certain point, I said, like, who are you? And she said. And I said, you need to leave. And she said, hold on a second. Cool your jets. And I said, no, no, my jets have been thoroughly frosted. I was out outside for 45 minutes signing bottles of Mangria and taking pictures. Your ass is out now. And she was like, what the fuck? I like when people.

[Brian Bishop]

She was put out.

[Joe Coy]

They get offended.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do. Like when you say to somebody, I gotta get off the phone or you have to leave now. And they go, okay, okay. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Big time.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, let me sing you the Dreidel song. It's like, no, just.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you know there's a second version.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the dreidel song Here it goes, I need to get off the phone or I need you to leave now means I need you to leave now or I need to get off the fucking phone.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, just leave.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but anyway, other than that, it's.

[Joe Coy]

Hard to tell people to leave. I'm the nice guy, though. See, I wish I was like you, where you just go get. Leave now. Your time is. I sit and try and talk.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But here's. Here's. Here's what I'm saying. You really have to examine this. I don't. I don't feel like people do the math on the nice guy. They don't do the nice guy math, which is this person is probably going to label you an asshole almost no matter what. Because at a certain point, you're going to go, I've got to go up on stage. So I'm going to really have to insist that even if you say it in as nice a terms as possible that you leave now, they're still going to walk out and go, joe Coy's got a stick up his ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Joe Coy bounced me out of his.

[Adam Carolla]

And when he pulls the stick out, he thinks it doesn't stink. Yeah. Yeah. So you're going to that. First off, are you trying to fuck that person? Like, I hear you work. Are you trying to fuck them?

[Joe Coy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Are you trying to get money from them?

[Joe Coy]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so now who gives a fuck? Like, do they manage a string of successful clubs that you're trying to get into? No. No. Are you trying to sell them Herbal Life? Not at all.

[Joe Coy]

Okay, well, you know, what the fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

All right is Adam, Are you ever going to see them again?

[Joe Coy]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Nor do I want to right now.

[Joe Coy]

So just say it.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck off. Get the fuck out of here.

[Brian Bishop]

You need to travel with an axe man, a guy whose job it is to be like, I've hired axemen.

[Joe Coy]

And they end up talking to the same fucking person too.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I want both of them out of my ass. Wait a minute. Are these black guys? Because they make think they're ask men. Oh, strike up a conversation. Don't hire a black man and say, I need you to be my axeman. That'll be. That's problem.

[Joe Coy]

Ask all these bitches. What you want me to ask him.

[Brian Bishop]

Joe, I found out everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Ax. I need you to be. I'm doing that. No, no, no.

[Joe Coy]

I went out there. I looked for the craziest bitch. Listen, I Said, hey, let me Axe you something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no.

[Joe Coy]

Come to the green.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Big E. Yeah. I need you to be my axe.

[Joe Coy]

Man, and that's what I'm doing, motherfucker. No, no, I'm asking all these bitches something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm asking. First off, is your employer. Uh huh. Constantly referring to me as motherfucker. I know it's a term of endearment in your community.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, that means I love you, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Nessie, there you go again. I don't mind so much. It's just when we're in front of other people, especially in the sort of the corporate world.

[Joe Coy]

I would never say that in front of your mother, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, I don't mean in front of. No, no, I'm not saying biggie, I'm not, I'm not talking about family so much, but I'm just saying. Will, you calling I employee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

You pay me cash under the table, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? There it goes again. What I'm. And I know.

[Joe Coy]

Don't ever write me a check, motherfucker. You know I ain't got a bank.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm not saying you own a bank.

[Joe Coy]

I'm not trying to pay me a check.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to say this is going a horrible direction.

[Joe Coy]

Let me ask you something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, hold on, listen. No.

[Joe Coy]

Are you gonna pay me check or cash?

[Adam Carolla]

No, cash.

[Joe Coy]

Okay, go ahead there, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, okay. Well, two things. Two things now. Two things.

[Brian Bishop]

I think he's robbing us.

[Adam Carolla]

When I. When you wanted. When I said I needed an axe, man.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. That's a nice watch, by the way, mother.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it's nice.

[Joe Coy]

I just want.

[Adam Carolla]

Just submariner. Oh, it's a Rolex. Rolex. Rolex, Rolex. It's just one word, just Rolex.

[Joe Coy]

Rolex, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like McDonald's. Yeah, McDonald's. No, it's just McDonald's. McDonald's. Rolex, Rolex. McDonald's, McDonald's, motherfucker, you know. All right, biggie, we're drifting off the point here. Uh huh. But I just said, look, I'm wearing my Rolex in the McDonald's. It wouldn't be nice.

[Joe Coy]

Rolex, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, it's Rolex. Yeah, yeah. So yeah. Okay, now first part. I need an axeman. That's what I am, right?

[Joe Coy]

Axes, bitches. Questions?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Joe Coy]

Like do you want to fuck Adam? If not, will you fuck me? No. In the green room?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Joe Coy]

You get upset with this, bitches in the green room?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What I'm. What I'm saying.

[Joe Coy]

Let me ask you a question. Why isn't there any grape soda in the fucking green room?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Yeah, I. First off, I have a writer.

[Joe Coy]

What is that? Writer?

[Adam Carolla]

The writer is. I went pinot Noir.

[Joe Coy]

No, what is a writer? I don't know what the that is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you. What's on the rider.

[Joe Coy]

Is that a car?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's technically a rental truck, but no, as it pertains to show business, it's a list of things that I want that I need to do my act.

[Joe Coy]

Do you have grape soda on that motherfucker?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't. I have oatmeal cookies.

[Joe Coy]

Now, this is Flo rider.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Just Ryder. Like, Florida floater.

[Joe Coy]

Like Flo Rider. I have a rider. Flo Rider.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's not that. It's a. It's a list of things that I want in my dressing room.

[Joe Coy]

Okay, so you have a list.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called a rider. Okay, all right. It is. It is. I don't know why we have to go down this road, okay? It's called punch you in your goddamn teeth now again. I will. No, no, I will. I know.

[Joe Coy]

Ask you something. Yeah, that's what I want to say. No, like your teeth. I love to knock every single one of those out your mouth. Okay, Talk to me, stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Joe Coy]

A list is called a list. Writer's.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I have a list.

[Joe Coy]

Flow rider. You don't call flow rider a list. Flo list.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I right? No, you're right. Now this is.

[Joe Coy]

Now, why is it grape soda on the goddamn list?

[Adam Carolla]

Biggie, we've gotten off. I feel like we've really gotten off. We've gone off a direction here that. I never intended this conversation to go.

[Joe Coy]

You axe me something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's me now.

[Joe Coy]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying axe right now. What I'm saying to you is, you know, perhaps I didn't describe the job in proper terms.

[Joe Coy]

I think you described it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I need. I need some. I need a go between.

[Joe Coy]

Go between what? Motherfucker. No, that kind of guy. Motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I need somebody. Shit. No, I need someone between me and the public, okay? And to act as a buffer. Hold on. Buffer?

[Joe Coy]

You want me to.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Joe Coy]

I don't ask you to do a buffer. Motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Joe Coy]

Like in between sets. Geez.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel I need somebody to get in here.

[Brian Bishop]

Just give me your watch and a little show.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, act. Call me motherfuckers. Fine. I understand. It's a term of endearment.

[Joe Coy]

I love you, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm.

[Joe Coy]

That's that kind of how much I love you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. But professionally, when we're in front of people, club owners and promoters and things like that.

[Joe Coy]

You want me to suck they dicks? No. As a buffer.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I'll do it. This has been a wonderful reenactment. All right, Big E, everybody. The Axeman we have now. I don't know if you guys have heard me complain about the uprights not being tall enough in the NFL every week now.

[Brian Bishop]

Professional football.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, college as well, too, but, yeah, probably every single week. By the way, this is the Bucs game in week number two. This is Bucks Saints game. Week number two. 43 yard field goal at this point. Saints up 10 to 7. You tell me if this thing's good or no good.

[Joe Coy]

That is no good, sir.

[Brian Bishop]

The Saints probably thought it was good.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was 12ft above the top of the upright.

[Joe Coy]

I'm just guessing, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

You can watch it again. You can't. I don't think it was good either, but we don't have any definitive. There's nothing definitive.

[Joe Coy]

My suggestion stands. You know that, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. The laser. No. The crossbar going across the top. No. The Pirates again.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the Pirates.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, the Pirates. Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Crow's nest at the top of the goddamn field goalpost.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the guy with the. Especially in Tampa lifts his patch and he makes his. Yeah, when he lifts his patch.

[Joe Coy]

Scour again.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, that's the parrot. That was. That was Tampa. I'm sorry. That was. Yeah, that was the Tampa Bay game on week number two. The Tampa Bay game on week number three, which was against the Patriots. Somebody told me the exact same thing happened again. That's. That's two Tampa Bay games in consecutive weeks, and we haven't scratched the beginning of the season. Just a second.

[Joe Coy]

Pirate at the top of the field goal.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what would happen.

[Brian Bishop]

And yet throwing three.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a line judge. It's official. They would unionize, then somebody would take a fall, then there'd be a score. Watch this.

[Joe Coy]

I'll be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch this. Go.

[Brian Bishop]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, that one was good. Yes, yes. Score, but still over the top of the bar, which could be raised so that we could definitively tell whether it was good or not.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, this is. Oh. Can I give you a recap of your picks? This seems like a good time to recap Your picks.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Hang on to that for a second. No, I want a recap of my picks. My picks. Gary didn't listen week one. If he used Lumosity, he would. That's right. Lumosity.com it's important. It gets your brain in shape. It exercises your bean baby. And I don't mean that in the feminine dorm room kind of way. I mean the core of the core, the seed in the core. It's your brain. We all understand about strengthening our outer core. What about our inner core? Lumosity.com based on the latest innovations in neuroscience, help your memory, attention span, attention as well. Speed problem solving. Exercises are fun. You play online. You can play at work, even from your iPhone, your iPad. Use the app Lumosity app. That's Lumosity. Go to Lumosity.com today. Click the start training button. Create your own program and start playing and start sharpening your brain today. And tell them you heard it from me. Adam Carolla. All right. Diamond Dallas Page was on the show last week. We started talking about football and whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Was gambling, I think was.

[Adam Carolla]

When he started talking, he was a colossal loser. I said, I'm a colossal loser. I said, well, why don't we pick three games? And since we're both colossal losers, everyone can bet against us. Now.

[Joe Coy]

I love the fact that you know you're a colossal loser.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Joe Coy]

But you continue to gamble.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, here's. Here's.

[Brian Bishop]

He's helping everyone else.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm helping everyone else. Gary. Gary Halftar followed me. He's moved his way up to 5, 8. Starred. Followed me out to the parking lot.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's do 3, 4.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I followed Mike Altier this week, and now I'm out entirely. Oh, no, he's got a pool. He followed me out to the car. He said, who do you like opening day? I think it was Carolina and Pittsburgh. I said, where's the game at? He said, pittsburgh. I said, pittsburgh wins their home opener every year. I can't even remember them losing at home. Not their opener.

[Brian Bishop]

They've been good for like 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

10 years they've won their home opener. And then, as it turns out, I think there were, I don't know, 12 and a half point favorites. Nine and a half. Nine and a half point favorites. I said. And then he laughed, a hearty, condescending laugh. And he said, well, I guess I got my pick now, going with Carolina. And I said, all right, I'll go with it then. And he didn't listen to me and. Or his Gut. And he took the Steelers and he lost. So Diamond Dallas Page came on the show and he said, well, we should give everyone our picks by picking the teams we're going to win. And I said, all right, you just pick three teams and I'll. I'll tell you what I think. How did we do this week, Brian?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I don't have Diamond Dallas's picks.

[Adam Carolla]

We're the same. They were sort of the same. I will.

[Brian Bishop]

New York was getting a point and a half. At Carolina, you went with New York and their point and a half. They got beat. 38 nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Coy]

And when is 37?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was 37. Nothing. When is. I'm just counting that point. When is the last time Eli Manning put up a goose egg?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's been a while.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, just no offense.

[Adam Carolla]

When is the last time the Giants put up a goose egg? I mean, I feel like it's been.

[Brian Bishop]

They're like one of those teams like the Steelers that's consistently at least slightly above average. Like, they're never really bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Eli Manning, a bad outing for Eli Manning is one or two touchdown passes, one pick and 260 yards. Zero has not been something that they've put up in a long time. But anyway, I think he got sacked.

[Joe Coy]

10 times in the first quarter. It was awful.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, Green Bay, the Packers were getting a point and a half at Cincinnati. You took Green Bay and their point and a half and they lost 34. 30.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. See why people got to listen to my locks? You got to listen to me, people.

[Brian Bishop]

You did come through on Buffalo at New York Jets. You took the jets and their point and a half. They won outright. 27, 20.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't there one for three?

[Joe Coy]

Isn't there a lot like someone that you can you pay for their picks?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

That's a big business.

[Brian Bishop]

A gold sheet.

[Joe Coy]

Right. And you pay them every. And they'll. And every week they give you their picks. And usually they're right. You should do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Adam's picks and what they do, you tell them who you like and you bet against.

[Adam Carolla]

Abso freaking fucking subscribe to that. I completely agree. And I'm gonna. I gotta work this in. Yeah. Because look, there's a million websites. You're horrible. Yeah. You're the worst. I'm telling you. Jimmy calls me super bowl every year and tells me who I have to bet. It's not who do I like. If you want to lock it in, I have to put some money on the opposite team. Oh, and then you Bet that way I would have gone 3 for 3 if I got my wallet out.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

This is.

[Joe Coy]

This is me talking any sport. Like, are you good? Are you horrible at boxing, too? Like, you can't pick who's going to win the fight.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's mainly with football because football, I played so much football and I decided I know it well.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you've deemed yourself the expert.

[Adam Carolla]

I deemed myself an expert at football.

[Brian Bishop]

If you can keep picking at a 66% clip, you'll become gambling legend.

[Adam Carolla]

It will hover around 80 when I start putting in my own cash. That's my point. Speaking of cash, you should do this every week. Personal capital, baby. You need personal capital. You want to grow your wealth? I'll tell you how to do it. Personal capital. See your accounts all laid out, clear view, just all in the same place.

[Brian Bishop]

You know how people can put, like, their stocks and their investments and stuff, different categories. What if someone just put in Adam's picks as one of their categories?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, it'll make you money. Not Gary over there. He listens to his boss. Yep. You can try it out completely free. Personal capital is completely free. It is mind blowing. I have, by the way. You just have to look at it. Just go and look at it. Go to AdamCroll.com, click on the personal capital banner and take charge of your financial future and your life. But just take a look at it. Or go to personalcapital.com, adam, just look at it and then your mind will be blown. You'll be won over. And they like to say over personal capital, less fees, more geez. All right, couple things. I was sitting around on Friday night and laying around watching TV with my wife on Friday night, and we're just watching the news and, you know, the stories about everybody's nuts and shooting everybody and all this. These guys with these long histories of mental instability and there's nothing to be done about it. And she said, she said, well, what? She said, I don't get it. Why don't we see these signs? Why don't we know? Why don't we educate people? You know, as people are, you know, think, you know, their microwave is barking out orders to them, and they're walking around angry and confused and volatile and so on and so forth. Why don't we put any capital, speaking of personal capital, but why don't we put anything behind this as a society? Like, you know, we have a society that wants, you know, our society is made up of a group of people that wants another group of people to either engage in certain behavior or not engage in certain behavior. So what we do is we go, hey, there's too many kids running around in broken families and they're falling through the cracks. They're not being educated. And it's a cycle of poverty. So we'll go, well, let's come up with a campaign that says it takes courage to be a dad and put it up in the subway system. Because we would like. It's not going to work, but we would like more dads to hang out and raise their kids. Okay, good. We'll come up with a fakacta campaign. It's never effective, never has any teeth. It never speaks the truth. But either way, we would like that. If we want to conserve water, we'll do that. Obviously, if we want people to put their seatbelts on, there's the clicket or ticket campaign. If we want people to slow down or drunk driving or secondhand smoke. It never ends. But there's never a campaign about mental illness. You know, once in a while there's a commercial like depression strikes, but then it's usually commercial for another company that's going to offer you something. Really, all we have is a society where there are people out there, they're dangerous to themselves, they're dangerous to others. And instead of all that, like I've said a million times, you know how many fucking PSAs I've seen about boating safety? Thousands. Like literally thousands of wear your life jacket, don't dump sewage into the bay. You know, always drunk driving on the sea is drunk driving on the land. You never, you know, it's like boating, boating, boating, boating. I used to go nuts. We did Loveline because it'd be airplane turbulence.

[Joe Coy]

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who does that affect? But what percentage of people that are fucking stuck on the 4 or 5 freeway right now own a vessel?

[Brian Bishop]

Skipper, vessels, probably a small percentage.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what percentage have even been on a boat. But if I am on a boat, I'm on someone else's boat. It's not. I don't own a boat. I don't know anyone owns a fucking boat. Like, what? Who are you talking to? Why does it feel like two thirds of the PSAs I've seen have had to do with boating and safety? When nobody has a boat and nobody I know, it's like, well, you know, my father was claimed by the sea, and then his father was taken before his time to Davy Jones Locker because he was not wearing. He wasn't aware of this thing called the Light bulb. It's fucking nonsense. But there's none on signs of mental instability. How to report it, what to do, things like that.

[Brian Bishop]

It seems like it's not even. I think everyone recognizes the signs, or at least the obvious ones. You know? You know, if someone's having problems, but the PSA should be. Say something, tell somebody. Report this. Or mention it to.

[Joe Coy]

Is it because they're just politically correct? It's just scary to say, like, stuff like that.

[Adam Carolla]

There's. That, there's. We.

[Joe Coy]

Like. How do you start that off? Do you know someone?

[Adam Carolla]

That's crazy.

[Joe Coy]

Well, look, does he smell funny?

[Adam Carolla]

You show a guy in a Napoleon outfit running in slow motion and a guy chasing him again in ultra slow motion with a giant butterfly net running at the camera. And then you have, you know, you get some. Some spokesperson like Cyndi Lauper.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Joe Coy]

Do you know this person?

[Brian Bishop]

That's an interesting choice. I wasn't expecting you to go there.

[Joe Coy]

Do you ever see this person? Every day, slow motion, trying to get a Star Wars.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's Napoleon hat has just flown off him.

[Joe Coy]

You know, he's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's running in slow motion as a guy in a white suit with a giant butterfly net running at the camera again, ultra slow motion. And Cindy Crawford.

[Joe Coy]

No, he's running with a straight jacket on.

[Adam Carolla]

Straight jacket? Yeah, straight jacket with the Napoleon jacket draped over it. Draped over.

[Joe Coy]

Somehow he was able to do that. Only crazy people could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Joe Coy]

And he's running.

[Adam Carolla]

He's running.

[Joe Coy]

You can't catch him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And the giant butterfly net and Cyndi Crawford. I mean, Cyndi Lauper, but she's not available. Let's talk to Cindy Lauper.

[Joe Coy]

I've been there.

[Adam Carolla]

Slides right into it.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Captain Lou, I knew something.

[Joe Coy]

Was wrong when he had rubber bands in his goatee.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying that we should take our problems as far as the Ad council, which I've tried to have a dialogue with them many times. They will not have a dialogue with me. The reason they won't have a dialogue with me is the same way a politician won't talk to the reporters when he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar or someone else's vagina. Meaning they have nothing. They don't have a fucking leg to stand on. All they do is waste a bunch of our time. And there's a certain PSAs work in that if you're going to get a license from the fcc, you must dedicate X amount of hours a month to public service announcements. And then the ad council comes out with these ones. But it's again, it's secondhand smoke and it's boating safety and it's never the one. Look, nobody is dead in any mall or any naval base or any school classroom because of secondhand smoke or boating safety. But either way they just focus.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe the naval yard for boating safety.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, possibly, possibly. But I would say that those guys are very acutely aware of boating safety and get many, many instructions involving how to muster and things like that. All right. But somebody sent me one the other day and it was psa. I see these ones all the time. This is first off. I always love the wild diversity in these things. There's always the white chick, the Asian chick, the black chick and the Hispanic chick. As if the car won't run if there's just five white chicks in it. It's like a breathalyzer that you blow into the ignition. If the Asian broad and Hispanic broad don't blow into it, it's not moving. So I'm always bumped initially by the one of everything in a car. Yeah, always, always.

[Joe Coy]

Can I make another point?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Coy]

The Asian is never driving because then.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S a different commercial. It would be a car accident somewhere around take 28. They just swapped him out. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Like the director goes, all right, Asian guy, don't get behind the wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

Now also you sit in the back. There's a disproportionate number of white people. Like I seen the DUI commercials. They just do seven white men getting pulled over in a row. And it's like, listen, I live in Southern California, I live in LA. Every Mexican dude I've worked with has three DUIs. I do construction. So you don't tell me Hispanic guy's ever gotten a fucking DUI in Los Angeles. And by the way, there's plenty of chicks that get DUIs as well. I don't know what the numbers are, but they're not that far off. It's not the realm of just white males, but they always just put the white male in or the white person in that's going to do whatever's wrong because then no group can complain about it. This is the what, 18 year old, 17 year old white chick driving with the Hispanic in the back, the black in the back and the Asian riding shotgun. How would the greeter from P. F Changs pronounce Shotgun.

[Joe Coy]

Shot the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Joe Coy]

Shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Shot.

[Joe Coy]

Shotgun.

[Adam Carolla]

Shotgun.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Shot the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Shotgun.

[Joe Coy]

Shot the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Front seat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Sitting in the front with the shotgun. No, not With a shotgun.

[Joe Coy]

Practice it. Shot the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Junior Walker and the All Stars song.

[Joe Coy]

Shot the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Shotgun. Junior Walker and the All Stars. Big hit for them. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Shot the gun is in the front seat of car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's a turn.

[Joe Coy]

If I want the front seat, I go shot the gun and then I run to front.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That means you get to sit in the front session. You like the front. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

But you don't like driving better than back seat driver.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, back seat drivers no good.

[Joe Coy]

No good. You can't shut the gun so much better. See everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A lot more leg room.

[Joe Coy]

So much leg room.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. And you can control your windows. Sometimes they lock the back.

[Joe Coy]

Don't like it back there. Child safety no good in my country.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you put them right up at the shotgun.

[Joe Coy]

Put them in the front to sit, babysit, Shut the gun, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yes. Yeah, yeah. Then you let him even sit on your lap when you drive.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, if I have a daughter. Yes, sit on. Doctor. Doctor, Doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

A note from your doctor. Oh, girl. Girl, okay. Daughter. Daughter, right.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Does she get to drive? Oh, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

In my country, they drive very young. 2 years old. Driver's wrong. Go to school.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that'll get a license at two. Come on. That's an exaggeration.

[Joe Coy]

No, exaggeration.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's gotta be an exaggeration.

[Joe Coy]

I sit the back seat when my daughter drives.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah, speaking of that, by the way, do you think we could get a booth this time?

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say, is this taking place in the lobby of a bf?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get to that. Let's see the. Let's see the. And if anyone knows 17 year old mousy blonde chicks, we know that they're demons behind the wheel. Let's. Let's find out what happens here. I hear Robbie's gonna be there. What? Wait, I heard Nikki has driving down the country road.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, come on, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Girls? Oh, train coming through. Wine country. Tesla.

[Brian Bishop]

Wine train.

[Adam Carolla]

Make it. We can make it.

[Allison Rosen]

Kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I got this.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Allison Rosen]

B track.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart.

[Brian Bishop]

Your life depends on.

[Joe Coy]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a huge problem with 17 year old daredevil chicks when both the fucking gates go down and they sit and have a small conversation about going, I got this. I'm gonna make it.

[Brian Bishop]

She's the psychopath.

[Joe Coy]

They should have made that commercial a little more real. Like the black chick in the bag is like, nah, bitch, what you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

I got this.

[Joe Coy]

That's a fucking train, bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it.

[Joe Coy]

Let me out there and if you gonna take it. Fuck it, I'll walk. Fuck this shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, Natasha, quiet.

[Joe Coy]

No, you shut the fuck up, bitch. I'm trying to get to this party.

[Adam Carolla]

Dinatasha.

[Joe Coy]

Nah, fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

Na di. Natasha.

[Joe Coy]

It's not de. Natasha. I'm from France.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, not Dinatasha.

[Joe Coy]

Nah, Natasha.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm driving this car.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, yeah, well, I see that. Some bullshit. You see that train coming? I just got my hair did. Fuck that. I ain't about to die with a fucked up hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Nadine. Natasha.

[Joe Coy]

You need to nada. Natasha.

[Adam Carolla]

Nadin. Natasha. There you go.

[Joe Coy]

Say it right, Randy. I ain't dying today. That's unintelligible.

[Brian Bishop]

That was more for mental illness than it was for safe driving.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That costs money to produce, right?

[Joe Coy]

Yes, lots.

[Adam Carolla]

Did it prevent the rash of white 17 year olds who are taking brand new cars filled with the Benetton girls through the fucking trying to beat the.

[Brian Bishop]

Train and the arms of the thing were down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, she's got it. She's gonna weave.

[Joe Coy]

You know what sucked about the commercial? Even though the Asian wasn't driving, subliminally you still felt like the Asian was driving.

[Adam Carolla]

I blame you.

[Joe Coy]

That was a close up.

[Adam Carolla]

I blame you.

[Joe Coy]

Did you see the Asian going, oh, oh, not again. Not to drive.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. So there's where your money's going. So don't worry about the crazy people arming themselves and walking. In your child's school, we got a handle on 17 year old chicks who decide they can gain the system. I got, by the way. I don't know why she's. If we watch it again, I don't know why. She's brimming with confidence. Because she's parked at the stop sign.

[Brian Bishop]

She's parallel to the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't appear to be in any hurry.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she's strolling along at a very lean distance.

[Adam Carolla]

And the train, they always do this one. Where that train, if you stop it there, that train is 85ft from the intersection. When she stops, it would be crossing about now in real time. Right now she's got it.

[Joe Coy]

What the fuck? I cut this sh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my die. There's a whole campaign on being track smart. Wow. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

How much do they spend on track smart?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how much we spend on this fucking nonsense. That has nothing to do with anything.

[Joe Coy]

Anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Joe Coy]

I've never met anyone that's tried to gun it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I haven't either. I mean, look, I've done the thing where I've looked around and went, where is the train? I've never been facing the same direction the train is coming from. And just brimming with confidence in a stop sign going, oh, I don't know why she thought she had it. She heard a train horn that sounded like it was feet away from her car and the gate had been down. I don't know why. She was brimming with confidence.

[Brian Bishop]

She was parallel to the train. They were traveling along at the same distance at same speed for quite some time.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, quite some time. And that train had the lead in.

[Adam Carolla]

The middle of nowhere. All right. And I don't know where they were heading. Cheerleading camp. Multicultural cheerleading camp.

[Brian Bishop]

A party where Randy was going to be there.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, Randy's going to be there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is what we do. Now. This probably cost 100 grand and it's a big weight. Not only did it cost 100 grand, but it has to show up places like websites and television channels and stations and things like that. How many PSAs have there been? Multi, multi, multi, multi. Millions and millions and millions of dollars. Millions of hours airtime that people covet and fight for. You know, ask Budweiser what they spend for a one minute spot. Okay, to do what? Let us know what. Why?

[Brian Bishop]

Brand awareness.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Yes, why don't we focus big to small? I don't know. Or if you're gonna do what you're gonna do. If you're gonna do the PSA thing about people being cleaned out on the tracks. There's a problem in la at least the only people that get hit are a lot of illegals who are hopping over the fence and doing what have you or truck stalled or whatever it is. It's not 17 year old white chicks that are cruising around and brand spanking new Camrys or it could have been a Corolla, what have you. I think it's a Corolla Camry. All right, so there's a whole campaign, by the way. This is just one of many in the don't try to beat the terrain Devil's advocate.

[Brian Bishop]

Will this scare kids into not being? Because kids are kind of risky behind the wheel. New drivers.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, I don't think a kid is ever going to see this, number one. Number two, all this does is make teenagers laugh when they see shit like this and they're again, look, if you want to do automotive, I've said it many times, if you want to focus, let's say, okay, let's talk about Teens. Let's talk about automotive. Every single one of those Ford Explorer fatalities, when the Firestone tires blew out, or Goodyear, whatever it was, Firestone, Firestone some years ago could have been prevented if the tires were properly inflated. Now, the tires were still faulty, but they were not. They were faulty at the point where if they ran under a certain amount of air pressure, they would blow out where they shouldn't have blown out. But the point is, you could, pardon the pun, steer this conversation toward proper tire inflation, which stops accidents, stops blowouts. Stops blowouts. And then you being stuck by the side of the road and getting hit by said drunk driver or just fuel mileage or wear and tear on tire. There's a topic rarely discussed. It's all about boating and secondhand smoke. How much car mileage versus nautical miles in a vessel would you log a year? And then why would you go, look, the average person travels zero miles on a boat on the open sea per year versus 12,000 miles in an automobile. Perhaps we should take some of our PSA money and focus it toward proper tire inflation versus all emptying your sump tank into the bay or. And. Or putting a life preserver. I believe that we specifically take problems that are non problems because they don't take anything to produce and makes us. We go like, look, everyone agrees secondhand smoke sucks. Just make one where you show the smoke going up the conduit and into the next room and the apartment above it where the kid is sleeping. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And then you've checked off that box. We've done something.

[Adam Carolla]

We've done something.

[Joe Coy]

How many crazy people have we walked into a day?

[Adam Carolla]

Many, many, many.

[Joe Coy]

It's part of our life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we gotta get Cyndi Lauper in there. Yeah. All right.

[Joe Coy]

Do you like crazy people?

[Adam Carolla]

We have one more I think you may like. If you're interested. We have one more for. And you can. We'll put this [e-mail].

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't my fault.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Oh, I love this one. Now there's time. You can make it. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

We all know our wives screaming. Oh, we all run this red light.

[Brian Bishop]

There I am. Good as he didn't work.

[Joe Coy]

Watch out. The fortune. Don't ever do that again.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no such thing as an Asian, Hispanic or black up. But the cop is always Asian, Hispanic or black. It's always whitey fucking up. And then.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the wisdom of the Orient.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Listen, Officer, I was.

[Joe Coy]

You saw the trainer coming, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, hold on. I Heard.

[Joe Coy]

Do you listen to your wife again?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she. Sweetie, huh? What is her name? Obviously, there you go. Yeah. Officer. Yes, okay. I'm not. Sweetie, I'm not dumbing this on you.

[Joe Coy]

Tell her to be quiet. In my country, they're not allowed to speak.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we're not in your country.

[Joe Coy]

Be quiet. Look at the trouble she put you into already.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she did ask me. And again, I'm not. I'm not.

[Joe Coy]

Don't listen to women ever again.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second.

[Joe Coy]

I'm writing you two tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you can't.

[Joe Coy]

One, for running a train track. No, for listening to wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second.

[Joe Coy]

And that is more expensive than changing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, wait. Now hold on a second, officer. First thing, I don't want to throw my wife under the train, but she did tell me I could beat the train and that's why I did. I couldn't listen to her.

[Joe Coy]

Very dumb wife.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she can hear what you're saying.

[Joe Coy]

I want her to hear me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she.

[Joe Coy]

Then in my country, the woman is not to hear anything ever, ever, ever, ever. E B.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever. Okay? Yeah, but we're not in your country. And I don't think it's legal for you to write two tickets.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, it's very legal. I am the officer of a row.

[Adam Carolla]

Of where?

[Joe Coy]

Officer of the row.

[Adam Carolla]

The raw.

[Joe Coy]

The raw. Enforcement. I'm going to rent you a ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, law.

[Joe Coy]

Because I'm the officer of the ro.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. I can't. But see, I don't want to go above your head.

[Joe Coy]

Well, you better not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, what I'm saying is if I spoke to your supervisor.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, cannot do that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I could.

[Joe Coy]

No, you cannot.

[Adam Carolla]

I could talk to your.

[Joe Coy]

I will write you ticket for speaking to supervisor.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but that's what.

[Joe Coy]

In fact, I'm going to write you one more ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you can't write the ticket because.

[Joe Coy]

You'Re threatening me to talk to a supervisor.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to talk to your supervisor.

[Joe Coy]

I'm going to write you a ticket for chain check violation. And listening to a wife again and threatening to talk to supervisor.

[Adam Carolla]

You see, when we get to court.

[Joe Coy]

Step out of car, please. Mr. Carrera.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second.

[Joe Coy]

Get out of Carola Correra Corolla. One of my favorite cars I. I.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess car ever made, you know.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, what a feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever see the man? Oh, what a feeling.

[Mark Steines]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, what the fury.

[Adam Carolla]

You see the man.

[Joe Coy]

I love a carora.

[Adam Carolla]

I again, I don't like the.

[Joe Coy]

I'm going to take one ticket away because you're named after one of my favorite ever made by my country.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like to play the celebrity car.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, well, you just did. But do ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the man show.

[Joe Coy]

No, I thought no man show.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy Kimmel.

[Joe Coy]

Ah, I like Jimmy Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

You like Jimmy Kimmel very much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's good, right?

[Joe Coy]

He's a funny guy. I just said not too funny.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know he's a friend of mine. I just had dinner with him on Wednesday. We did a show that was wildly popular.

[Joe Coy]

Jimmy Akima, very popular. I like him. We like him.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we did a show together. No, we were funny together. We did a show together.

[Joe Coy]

He is so much better by himself. You would only bring him down.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, this is taking a turn for the insult. I'm gonna step out of the car.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, you better step out of the car.

[Adam Carolla]

The what? Car. Up on the car.

[Joe Coy]

Up, out of the car.

[Brian Bishop]

Out.

[Joe Coy]

Up at the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. You want me to step out of the car, Right?

[Joe Coy]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Not on the car. Not up on the car.

[Joe Coy]

Why would I want you?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Joe Coy]

It's not the time for a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

He said. Sound like you said. You want to step up onto the car?

[Joe Coy]

Get out of the car. You are under arrest.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't arrest me.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, in my country we can arrest you.

[Adam Carolla]

Not in your country.

[Joe Coy]

My wife is under arrest too.

[Adam Carolla]

My wife is under.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, for marrying someone stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I don't want to.

[Joe Coy]

What a horrible decision.

[Adam Carolla]

She's not really my wife. This is just that she's an actress. We're doing a psa.

[Joe Coy]

Well, she should have never took the job.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, this is surreal because you're an actor as well. You're not really.

[Joe Coy]

Raise your voice at the beast of Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a fake page. This is insane.

[Joe Coy]

Listen to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a famous actor.

[Joe Coy]

No, you are not. Please don't tell yourself that that's a fake wife.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're not even a cop.

[Joe Coy]

And you just want the famous.

[Adam Carolla]

We want.

[Joe Coy]

Okay, but we just wanted diversity.

[Adam Carolla]

We just wanted diversity in this commercial. Diversity.

[Joe Coy]

Die.

[Adam Carolla]

Die divers. Diverse.

[Joe Coy]

Diversity.

[Adam Carolla]

Diversity.

[Joe Coy]

Diversity.

[Adam Carolla]

And we made the mistake of hiring you to play the cop.

[Joe Coy]

Well, you're under arrest. You're not even.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a fake gun you have.

[Joe Coy]

I will shoot you with piece of fake gun. You want to tell me if it's a fake when I shoot you?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't believe the director hasn't yelled cut. So a you have the guy listening to his wife.

[Brian Bishop]

Was this at a P. F Changs?

[Joe Coy]

By the way, your table is ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, thank you very much.

[Brian Bishop]

I know it.

[Adam Carolla]

You have the guy listening to his wife. Number one. I feel like that rarely happens, not when I'm driving. Number two, there's no such thing as the gates going down on a train. And Lynette going, you can make it.

[Brian Bishop]

You got this.

[Adam Carolla]

You got this. Again. Insane. Again. Why don't they just make it look.

[Joe Coy]

Real like just two white trash guys with a dog in the front seat?

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's not.

[Joe Coy]

Fuck this train. Let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem is Scooter, but that's not everybody. That's just them. But that's inherently the problem. There's no middle aged white couple who drives around in a Cherokee that tries to hop the tracks if I change.

[Brian Bishop]

Lanes more than two and a half times between any two lights. My wife asked me to stop driving like a crazy person.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's like.

[Brian Bishop]

Those are her words. Please stop driving like a crazy person.

[Adam Carolla]

My wife said to me on the Exchange from the 2 to the 134 with the kids in the car going 64ft behind somebody. She said, you couldn't stop if that person hit the brakes right now. And I said, yeah, I could stop. She said, you couldn't stop. So she wasn't begging me to jump the tracks like a fucking James Dean. It's insane. So who does this? What is the vetting process? You know what I mean? Like, like obviously things that need to be vetted. Like if I said, look, we have a huge problem with tainted Benoit balls and people getting rectal infections, I believe that somebody at that fucking AD council table would raise their hand and go, is it that big a problem? I really haven't.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't kid yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a pandemic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what, I don't want to be close minded here, okay? If you can pull me five cases over the last 10 years where people have died of anal infection from tainted Benoit balls, then we can talk about it.

[Brian Bishop]

So naive.

[Joe Coy]

Can I just tell you a story real quick, please? I'm sorry, because this topic is very close to home. Can I. Okay, so going at it with this girl, she reaches in. I'm not even joking. Maybe this is why they made this psa. She reaches into her nightstand and pulls out some beads.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Joe Coy]

Yes. Just pull it loosely. Not even like brand new beads. Like, this is a fresh pack of beads for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it wasn't a shrink wrap.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, this was out of the package and used before. Pulls out of this drawer. And goes, do you mind if I put these in? And I'm like, you or me?

[Adam Carolla]

She goes, you.

[Joe Coy]

I'm like, who were they in before me?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. First of all, no is the answer. I don't want them. And two.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Why would you even offer that?

[Adam Carolla]

Unless. If the answer was Adam Levine or the guy from the Dyson vacuum commercial, I would have to give it some consideration.

[Brian Bishop]

It wouldn't be an automatic no.

[Joe Coy]

Do you know how disgusting these beads look?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, but what if it's the Dyson guy? Smart, erudite. I think he's a sir.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he should be. If he's not, he should be.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I wouldn't do it, but I would pause. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Like I said, not an automatic no.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

The creepiest thing ever.

[Brian Bishop]

What's in it for her?

[Joe Coy]

I don't know. But I mean, pulling it out of a drawer, like, she should pull it if it was in, like. You know those little glass tubes when.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to the barber? The blue sauce hanging in the blue sauce.

[Joe Coy]

Put the beads in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Put it by the lamp. That's what I was thinking about. The whole thing. Pulls it right out. Yeah. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Can I place these in you? Yeah, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I've never tried it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's lint on it.

[Joe Coy]

There's hair on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple. Couple things.

[Joe Coy]

The cat was playing with it.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, ladies, if we're fucking or getting a blow job. Good enough. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like when you're eating a steak, somebody says, can I. Would you like an omelette on top of that? And you go, like, no, I'm good. And you go, why? You don't like omelets? Like, no, I like omelets. I'm having a steak. I'm enjoying my meal. This is, by the way, as a guy, I'm very satisfied right now. There are many things I do that aren't as good as this. I have no complaints about the steak. Yeah. But I thought you'd like an omelet. I like omelets.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe in about 12 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we don't need one on top of this right now. And I figure when you're getting blown and you're screwing and all kinds of stuff like that, you need the Ben wild balls. When you're traveling on that Southwest flight and you're fucking going on hour three and someone's brought their flight fucking service dog with them and their feet are up on the. All over the place, that's when you need the Benoit balls. Yeah, that's a weird one.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, a. I'm sorry I brought this up. A for effort. I mean, you gotta give it to her. You gotta give it to her. But it does. It's a little glimpse into her psyche, right? Yeah. And where do you get the courage to ask?

[Joe Coy]

She just pulled it out of a drawer. Just lint and things dangling from it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they should be. They should wipe it off. They should have a novelty clown car version where she pulls out the first, like eight inches and goes. And then just see her just keep going. She's wrapping up this pool.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, my God, how many balls are there?

[Adam Carolla]

And then at some point, there's a huge Christmas ornament in the middle one. And then right back to the Benoit.

[Joe Coy]

It says £10 on it.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna take care of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Not. All right. The great Jo Coy, by the way, Cobbs Comedy Club, San Francisco. I think we've agreed that is a very good place to go to and enjoy. That's September 27th. Exposition Park. He's doing the In Lupus walk. It is coming up September 28th. A very worthy cause. Stand up live. Phoenix. Well, that's where we were in Phoenix. So two of the dates, October 4th through the 6th, you go to Joe Koy. That's just J O K O Y.

[Joe Coy]

I'm going to be in San Francisco. I'm going to fly to do that Lupus walk and then fly back and finish off my shows the same day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Steines]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking hero.

[Joe Coy]

And then last. Last week, I raised $12,000 for lupus.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn.

[Joe Coy]

My sister has Lupus.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's meaningless now.

[Brian Bishop]

Kind of have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark Steines in studio, Home and Family. Name of his show doing quite nicely. I did. I did the show myself. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Season premieres this Monday, September 30th. I guess it says Hallmar, but I'm guessing Hallmark.

[Mark Steines]

Yes, says Hallmark. We're, you know, shortening things.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's just one of these things where in TV there are so many channels and so many seasons now that I never. I'm like, I don't know if, like, if I see Hallmark, I'll think, well, I guess Hallmark started a sister station called Hallmark.

[Mark Steines]

Well, there's a Hallmark Movie channel as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Steines]

So there's Hallmark Hallmark Movie, which we always have to separate, but we can't split anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. It's a fun show to do. I did the show myself. We had a little go kart race. I think we Ended up tying. I got a. I got a fake trophy. It was good times. Mark does do the home improvement stuff. Does enjoy that stuff quite a bit. I think it's good for guys. The tactile part of it, the part where you're not just living in a world of words and ideas, but you get to actually build something.

[Mark Steines]

I did. We're on a hiatus now, which, by the way, I have to work. I realize it's the first time, you know, I was at ET for 17 years. Never really had like a long extended break. So we took two months off. I bump into shit for two months I've been going, you know, so.

[Adam Carolla]

And Entertainment Tonight, that just. That was a gig like hosting. There's. People don't realize in show business, if you do a sitcom, there's a show up for the table read on Tuesday and then the walkthrough on Wednesday and then shoot on Thursday and then go into hiatus for four months and stuff. That's why everyone wants the sitcom gig. It's a push gig. And then there's gigs that are more like morning radio. You got to be there every day.

[Mark Steines]

Every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. ET was like Entertainment Tonight is. Was that kind of gift.

[Mark Steines]

And now home and family, we were up 44 weeks and we were down two months.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Steines]

So I sort of had this. I was looking forward to like some downtime, but I did. I went up to my shop in Ojai and built. You know, my kids never really had the boys room that they wanted, their 9, 11. So I built this like crazy loft system for them. So the kids love to crawl and shit. And then they got a bunch of notes from their teacher that they need more structure, more organization. So I built a big study center for them. And so I had a lot of that going on, but I took my 11 year old with me, and he knows how to use every tool I've got, from the jig to the sanders to the table saws and the chop saw and all that. And it was great because we bonded for about six, seven days out doing that. And it's part of. Now my other son doesn't get it. Like, my 11 year old can look at something and go, I can make this. And he just sees it where the other kid, the nine year old, even though he's still younger, he just doesn't have that gene.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Mark Steines]

I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's one of those things where you're either in or you're out with it. I don't Think there's a lot of in between. We do this thing where we. Maybe it's just for our sanity as parents. And I get it from my wife all the time where it's like, you have to get him interested in. But whether it's German porn or woodworking, that's a waste of my time. I get the feeling you're just kind of in or you're not. I mean, I had. I'm a car nut. And I was having dinner one night. I told this story before, but I was having dinner one night in pebble beach at Monterey, because I'd go up and do the vintage races every year. And I was sitting around and I was sitting with three dudes at the table, and we said, well, we're all car nuts. We all love cars. And then somebody said, well, I'm a car nut because my dad was a car nut and he got me into it when I was young. And the other guy said, yeah, my dad was a butcher, but he still kind of liked cars. And I guess we used to tinker around with his car. And then I said, well, my dad never did shit, didn't get off the sofa, and he sure as fuck didn't know anything about cars. And he didn't own any tools. So you have three guys. We're all car nuts. One dad did nothing. The other dad did a little something more small. My dad. Nothing medium and then a large. The other guy's dad owned a repair shop. So is it our dad's?

[Brian Bishop]

Well water finds its own level, they say. And this is kind of an example. You all ended up at this place together, this table together, literally. And much.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But what. How much did your dad have to do with this? Because my dad had nothing to do with this and his dad had little to do with it. So we keep chalking it up to, like, you've got to expose and you've got. I think they're either into that or they're not. Especially on the hand. Working with the hands. Yeah.

[Mark Steines]

But I feel like I can connect so much more with my older son because now he's got his first football game tonight. I played ball in college. He's the tool guy. He loves to go out and build stuff. But to get him to read a book cover to cover is impossible. That's like me now, my other son, who's 9, trips over his shadow. He'll read a book from start to finish in a day, a thick book like that's. And I. But I like you said, your wife says you need to expose him. Well, he just doesn't engage with it. And then I feel like, oh, shit. I'm not being the dad saying to.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy who's, you know, finishing off his Harry Potter trilogy or whatever. Wherever we're at with Harry Potter, it's like seven books. Seven. Seven G. Harry Potter. Hey, this is a carbide tipped router bit. And that's called a Roman Ogee. With a trim bearing on it. Huh? With a quarter inch shank. Like, he's not. Oh, wow. Now I'm bubbling with enthusiasm and curiosity. He's like, yeah, big whoop. I consider myself a nerd. I'm gonna go back and finish reading this book. That's pretty much where they're at. And if you go, you get down and shot with me right now, they're gonna have an issue with that.

[Mark Steines]

But don't you feel like you're like, I need to. I feel like I want to pass along sort of what I always thought was being a man. You know, like going out, taking your shirt off in the sun, taking a block of wood and making something out of it. That's what my dad taught me, and I want to teach it to my kids. And I got one on board and I got one who's not. And I'm trying to connect with the youngest one who's just not there with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Unfortunately, men used to be men. And what you were talking about was gay porn, by the way. Taking the shirt off, going out to the woods, hanging out with some wood. But woodworking, oiling up, I just had to tee it up.

[Mark Steines]

All I had to do is put it there.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a time when men being men was a required course because now it's an elective. Powerful. Wow. No, here's what I'm saying. There was a time when if you couldn't gap a spark plug, you were going to be screwed because your spark plugs would constantly get fouled and need to be gapped and so on and so forth. Yeah, you need. Oh, you see if Sonny knows what a feeler gauge is. That's right. It's called a feeler gauge.

[Brian Bishop]

Are we still talking about gate point.

[Adam Carolla]

For gapping spark plugs? Use a feeler gauge. You would have to. Look, a guy had to know how to drive a stick. All cars came in manual. Thus, men drove the cars. Men had to drive a stick. Matt, the porcelain punisher Fondelier back there, knocking on the door of 30 and of a bathroom somewhere, pounding on the door. Actually, he does not drive. He does not drive a stick. He will not learn how to drive a stick. He's children. If he and his life partner choose to adopt, will not drive a stick. And my kid might not learn to drive a stick. He's not going to have to.

[Brian Bishop]

Will transmission be extinct at some point just so the way things are going?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sort of. But now if my son says, I want to get into vintage racing, then I'm going to go, well, then you're going to have to learn to drive a stick. So it's not a requirement, it's an option. So all these things where you had to split the cords of wood, you know, you had to split the wood to put in the fire because the winter was coming and you learned, you had to learn how to gut a fish and you know, to eat and to survive. I mean we keep going back further and further. Now it's all just iPads and air conditioning and they don't have to learn shit. Old man.

[Mark Steines]

Well, they, they here, like here's what we want. My dad passed about three weeks ago, so we. He was 83.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, good run. Yeah. Sorry to hear it.

[Mark Steines]

But here's a guy who chewed, smoked, drank his whole life. Better run by the way. Chewed Copenhagen. He never spit. Oh, never spit. And his heart, it was his heart that gave out on him.

[Brian Bishop]

We're somehow impressed. That's awesome, man.

[Mark Steines]

Like, that's a man, right? So worked at John Deere for 30 plus years. Loved to cut his grass. Loved, loved to cut his grass. You couldn't get on his lawnmower without permission ahead of time. That thing was polished. So the day he died, he died at 8:19 on Sunday morning. Took my kids home to the house I grew up in. No one's there anymore because my parents were kind of forced into assisted living. And I put him on the tractor about. It was probably seven, eight hours after my dad had gone. And I said, you know, we don't get back here that often. I said, you're going to learn how to cut grass. They've never cut grass in their life. They had no idea what it was about. And my oldest one, the 11 year old, as soon as the deck hit and I put on the blades and he felt that take off. It was just, I just saw him light up and so I started taking pictures. And this is a, for me that may seem like the most idiotic thing, but for him and for me it mattered. My 9 year old was clueless. He went back inside and wanted to play video games. But for him, I sat out there. And I just watched him go back and forth and the same track that my dad did for years, cutting his grass. And that just for me, was a very powerful moment for us. But that's the stuff. Like, we've got the. You know, the guys that mow and blow and come to the house. We've got the woman come and clean the floors and fold the laundry. They're taking away a lot of. I know they're not Gap and spark plugs, but at least they're not. They just don't get the chance to do the stuff that I did growing up back in the Midwest. Out here, we just. We didn't. We don't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that you had to do and that you got a sense of satisfaction from. I was telling my wife this the other day. You know, I always work. I'm always building, and I work with a bunch of guys, and I pay them 20 bucks an hour, basically. And they're not getting rich, but they get paid a decent wage, but they're happy. Like, they're at the end of the week. They have a sense of satisfaction. They really do. They have a sense of. Before we started this week, none of this baseboard was up or none of this drywall was up or none of those doors were hung. And now stuff is hung and primed, and next week we're going to come in and finish it off and paint it or put a skim coat on it or whatever it is. It's funny, but they are some of the least miserable people I know, and yet they live a life that doesn't have air conditioning. It doesn't have a lot of. You know, they don't have a gig that has perks, so to speak. There's no free. You know. Oh, well, you just head. You know, it's not like they're working over at Google or something where they get to head down to the community kitchen and load up.

[Brian Bishop]

They get to hear the ace man's wisdom all day.

[Mark Steines]

But you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

I do love that, Chris, don't laugh at that. I'm just saying these guys, it's funny. I talk to these guys and I go, and I'll say to them, you want to work Saturday? And they go, yeah, we'll work half day on Saturday or a full day. And I'll go, all right. And they want to do it. They kind of enjoy. It's a simple, easier life, but it doesn't involve all the perks that we think are great, but yet they are much more. I don't know if the word is happy, but they seem much more satisfied than the average employee.

[Mark Steines]

I know exactly what you're saying, because when. When we. When I started out and I was doing construction work the way I based my salary off of, because I didn't have overhead like I do now, was how much beer money do I have left over at the end of the week?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Steines]

If I had enough to, you know what, get a good buzz on on the weekend, I'm like, hey, I got my beer money. I'm good. You take care of, you know, whatever. You had your car payment and insurance and gas to get around and get some groceries or whatnot, catch a movie flick or whatever, and you got beer money. And then we would go, and it's like, oh, I work Saturday. Got a little bit more and go out.

[Adam Carolla]

But I think working in a field where, you know, you're not sitting in a cubicle processing calls, you're putting up drywall. I mean, you're. We built this studio. It wasn't here before. As we were building it, the guys that were building it were kind of enthusiastic about it, not jumping up and down, but it's like. They'd say things like, like, I think we can be done with the drywall by Friday on a Tuesday afternoon. And it kind of gave him a goal. The guy who's processing phone calls doesn't go, I think I could do 18 more calls before I pull out.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you need 18 more calls.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But that satisfaction, what we're talking about, is taking that, and instead of. I think we're shooting ourselves in our own emotional foot here, which is a lot of people look at that work and go, well, I don't want my kids doing that shit, or, I don't have to do that shit. I can get somebody else to do it. That's the whole thing. It's like, why should I do my own whatever? I'll get someone else to it. Because you get a certain amount of satisfaction and pride from doing it.

[Mark Steines]

I resent people when they're like, why are you doing that? Can't you just hire somebody to do it? I'm like, yeah, but then I'm not teaching my kids how to do it, or I don't get my hands in it and do it. There's a part of the business that I work in that bugs me in that I can go back to Dubuque, Iowa, where I'm from, drive in on Highway 20 and see the motel that I put all the windows in and roofed one summer While in college. It's still standing there. It still has its purpose. You show me, show 6842 that I did at ET. It's somewhere out past Mars now and still going. There's nothing tangible. There's nothing to hold. And that's the part of the business that is tough for me because I like to be able to build something and look at it and go, I did that.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And I wonder. And we're going to get into some little news and some Emmy talk here in just a second. I wonder if turning it into an electronic society, meaning I've said this before, money has lost a lot of its value because you're not handing people cash anymore. I can tell you my.

[Brian Bishop]

It's all imaginary, you know, up in.

[Adam Carolla]

The air, my kids and my wife, because everything, and me to that, to a certain extent, just because everything is going, oh, it gets wired to this guy and then your accountant sends it off to that guy. And this, I mean, as I said, if everyone just paid their taxes once a month in cash, just peeled 20s off and handed someone, the place would be burning. There'd be civil unrest. Koreans would be on the roof. So the liquor stores firing at everybody. The place, this whole city and this whole country would be on fire. But because the accountant does the thing and he does it quarterly or whatever it is, that's the way it works. So we all know that. Not the tangibility. If I'm making that word up, it sounds like a delicious fruit of money. When that starts going away, you just start losing contact in reality and it loses its meaning. And I'm wondering if living in our electronic world and never really building anything or doing anything or completing anything, if we're losing touch in a certain way with where we started and where we should probably we're losing touch of something we shouldn't lose touch of.

[Mark Steines]

But don't you think there's like, I see this again back to my kid, my 11 year old, organically, he wants to do that. He wants to do stuff with his hands. He's constantly, especially, you know, I bought this place up in the mountain area because I wanted them to get back closer to nature and get away. You build stuff like this. I haven't walked around here, but I had this conversation with Mark Burnett. He said, he goes, look, we build these massive homes and close out nature because we want to control our environment. We control every setting inside. We want to have a temperature cooled, we want to have our music. And then we start bringing plants and shit back inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mark Steines]

And, you know, and because you have that natural gravitation toward nature. Same with Bill. Like, we. We're animals in a sense. We have to make fire. We don't want to push the button.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like we drive to the gym, then we run on the treadmill for half an hour, then we drive home. It's that thing. We kick nature out, then we bring nature in. All right, let's get ready. We'll do some news. We'll do. We'll talk a little Emmys because we didn't really get to it yesterday. Tonks, baby. Speaking of nature, it's amazing what they can do with a beautiful coffee bean. Tonks. Coffee. Tonx. They provide all our beautiful brews out here. And what they do is they roast it and they ship it within 24 hours. They source direct from the growers. They scour the globe finding the best stuff. And you get a new batch every two weeks. It's incredible. Beans roasted to perfection. Again, we have it here and we all. Well, I think Gary's made, what, his fourth pot today. Everyone here drinks the coffee, loves the tonks. And if you're hitting the cafe most mornings, this is much better. Cheaper way to go. Free sample, by the way, for my listeners, Go to T o n x tonx.org that's tonks.org Adam. Get a free sample of some of the best coffee on the planet. All right, Bald Brian intro.

[Brian Bishop]

Bald and gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian's bald and gay. Does his sound effects for very little, little pay. We all see his homo tendencies. A neat freak. This super geek. A hairless head, no girls in his bed. Bald and gay.

[Brian Bishop]

Brown in 2006.

[Allison Rosen]

Not much has changed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, Mark Stein, this is here. What better guy to talk Emmys with than Marc Steinez? Let's see the big winners, the Emmys. HBO took home 37 Emmys, which was by far the most of any network. NBC net at 22:30. Rock took him on nine. That was the most by any show. Followed by Breaking Bad, Modern Family and SNL at 8 apiece. Dramatic series, Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad 1 dramatic series, Move youe miniseries behind the candelabra. I don't think there was much dramatic about that. Modern Family, one comedy series. Bryan Cranston lost out, actor in a drama to Jeff Daniels from the newsroom.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get that. I mean, I don't think you could do any better. But, you know, it's just. It's one of these things where nothing surprises me and it's, you know, Is there's a clip because I'm working on this Paul Newman doc. And he says. Sorry, I said doc. A documentary about Paul Newman's race car driving. And he says in it very clearly, look, in Hollywood, it's him or her, and somebody votes, and you just never know. He said, in racing, it's either he wins or she wins, but that's it. There's no arguing. If this was a race, Bryan Cranston would have won. But we're all going to get together and vote. And just like the Mayweather fight, somebody had that fight as even two weeks ago. Now that same person may have a sibling who's taking a look at Bryan Cranston work and Jeff, what's his name's work and deciding that they like Jeff's work better. That's unfortunately what you've left in the hands of the judges, which is what this is.

[Mark Steines]

Here's what I've been wanting. I think in this is so interesting because I've been around long enough, and you have, too. You see, network television is the face of it is changing. So look at HBO. Was the top. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Top.

[Mark Steines]

37.

[Brian Bishop]

37 Emmys.

[Mark Steines]

37. So the question is this. How important to shows is it to have an Emmy? Does it matter? Because what is happening, it puts more billboards. I guess it does. There's more attention. Right. When Arrested Development won back in the day, you know, still didn't save the show, but it garners all this attention. Well, look at what HBO has been doing. Drama cannot hold a candle to what some of these, you know, in the drama category, the networks can't hold a candle of what they're doing on cable because you can go places, you can do more things. You can do more. So now if you take that and extrapolate it and go, well, network, they can't cuss, they can't show the sex stuff. And we as a culture are going, we really know what's going on behind that door. HBO is taking us beyond it. Now we're seeing the drama. Now we're seeing the blood, the guts, the gore. And now you kind of watch broadcast and you go, it's not quite there, right? So now the Emmys aren't being handed out to ers anymore. They're being handed out to these shows like Breaking Bad and, you know, the candelabra, stuff like that. And you go, hmm, I wonder what's gonna happen. Are the networks now gonna have their hands tied because of dealing with the lack of drama in their dramas?

[Adam Carolla]

Getting back to my racing analogy.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry, we got away from that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark likes racing. In racing, they have the production class and they'll have the unlimited class or they'll have the prototype class. It's unfair for the guy in the production class to be going up against the unlimited guy. Well, HBO is unlimited behind the candelabra does not work on ABC in primetime. So their hands are a little bit tight. I agree with you. And they have classes in boxing. It's just not fair for the 200 pounder to fight the 150 pounder. Maybe the unlimited class of using whatever language you want and showing whatever you want and showing all the graphic violence you want. I mean, what would the Sopranos be like? Or what would some of those shows. And maybe it will be the Cable Emmys versus the Broadcast Emmys.

[Mark Steines]

Well, there were the cable Ace Awards back when that's gone. So do they now begin to splinter and, heaven forbid, offer more categories?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to say, please make it. I'm going to say no. I'll say, broadcast is just gonna slowly start ratcheting it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Cause online shows, you'll eventually be, you know, elbowing their way into the, into the talk. And then it's all, Then it's all, you know, all hands on deck. Everyone's. Everyone's open for awards.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how you felt about the Neil Patrick Harris opening.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, I didn't watch the show.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't.

[Brian Bishop]

I know, I'm a terrible news girl.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt like I like him.

[Brian Bishop]

He's great.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt like the whole sitting in the chair watching every TV show, it was one of those things where it was like a stew where a whole bunch of ingredients that you liked went into it. Like, Mark, you like potatoes, you like beef, carrots. Good, I'll put it all together. And then you took a sip and you went, I don't like it that much.

[Brian Bishop]

You like ingredients.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't that good. But yet, like, if someone had pitched it to you, you went, oh, that's a cool idea for an open. But. But it wasn't that great. And then they did this thing with Jimmy and some of the other guys, which, of course I love Jimmy, but it's the same way I feel about snl. You know when they get a jock to host snl.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Sometimes the worst episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And so Peyton Manning comes out there and he's like, I'm really excited to be hosting it. And then some guy raises his hand in the audience, goes, peyton Can I have an autograph? And then they go to the SNL and before you realize, oh, Peyton Manning doesn't. He's not gonna say anything in this whole opening sequence, then someone else raises her hand and it's a way to sort of build a little world around a guy who's a cushion. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Music cushion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They don't. When Louis CK Hosts the show, he goes out and does his act, basically, but he doesn't have someone in the audience have his hand fly up because he doesn't need to be protected. He's not a jock, he's a performer.

[Brian Bishop]

You mention often watching SNL news reports from the 70s, how it's always the same stories as today. Do you ever watch the SNL monologue from the 70s and it's basically George Carlin doing five minutes or Steve Martin doing his five minutes stand up material. Sometimes more.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But when they get a, you know, a beautiful young actress, you know, 19 year old hot actress to host it, you know, because she's, you know, hot off of Hunger Games or something, somebody's going to raise their hand. And I felt with Neil Patrick Harris, he got out on stage and he started to talk and they kind of went into this thing, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

That's strange because he's such a good performer. I wonder why cut him off at the news.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why. I just wanted some big old splashy, get up on a horse, come riding out, do a big performer.

[Mark Steines]

Well, look, I don't think you're ever going to win at these award shows. I have watched numbers drop and drop. They're moments that you have in them, but trying to take an audience for things three hours and hand out awards to a bunch of rich people and go, oh, that was a great performance. You're, you're always going to have criticism. The parts, the, the, the shows that always have gotten me, especially when you're speaking of Jimmy, is when he did the whole thing. I'm fucking Matt Damon. That video, I mean, the unexpected to get people and then the, then the, the callback to that. To me, it's great when you see a bunch of people come together and do the unexpected. I didn't like the opening. I thought it was distant at best. It didn't really cut together. I got what they were trying to do and overlap and using snippets, but it didn't seem to have the continuity I thought it should. When they came out and they brought the host back, I thought that was a fun, interesting way to sort of pool everybody Together, but it just didn't go well for me.

[Adam Carolla]

But I feel like Neil Patrick Harris is great. Let him get out there and do something great. Right.

[Mark Steines]

Well, the number in the middle of the show was.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Oh, it was great. Right. But I don't want. I want the. I want the opening to be. I want it up front.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't bury the lead.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. Also, it was sad for me to see my friend Alan Kirschenbaum in the remembrance thing. It's so weird because I'm a Corolla. The second I know somebody, they get off the important list in life. I mean, this guy, he's Freddie Roman's son, he committed suicide about six months ago. His name was Alan Kirschenbaum, and I worked with him for a while on a pilot. And he was one of the nicest, just most gregarious guys on the planet. And it was just. It was weird because I knew him as my friend, and it's just when his face pops up, it's just. It's weird because you go like, your first impulse is, why is he up there? Like, that's Alan. That's Alan.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone else is like, I know that guy from that show.

[Adam Carolla]

He worked as a producer writer for 25 years, I think. Of course, he's all. He was. Been involved with many television projects, not just mine, obviously, but it was just. Was weird just to go, oh. It was like. It was like. It was like official or something. Like, oh, yeah, he's not here. That's. I'll never. You know, we'll never go out to the Toluca Lake Country Club and have lunch on Allen ever again. It was very, very sad. I did think the way they sort of broke it off into the Jonathan Winters and the stuff like that was kind of interesting. What'd they do this year? I forgot.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I'm assuming some portion of our audience didn't see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Usually when they do the in memoriam thing, they just string together everyone who.

[Brian Bishop]

Died and a Lush song or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then they just. Not the band Lush or Celine Dion, they just let it roll. This time they took some of the more notable ones, like Jonathan Winters and Cory Monteith and people like that. And they had the people that were connected with them sort of deliver a little eulogy interspersed and thing. And then you. I was thinking the whole time, well, what about the other 16 people that died in the business? But no one wants one for the publicist.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

People start booing, throwing chairs at the stage. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It gets distasteful. Real fast.

[Adam Carolla]

You see Beers just hurdled at the screen. The producers in the back of.

[Brian Bishop]

Where'd they get the beers from?

[Adam Carolla]

Beers without the fucking rotten tomatoes.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. So. But then they did. They did it. They did it both ways. I think they did a good job. And overall, the whole thing was well done and all that kind of stuff. But it'll be weird when.

[Brian Bishop]

It's always weird when the next year's Emmys, they're like, best awards program, and they nominate themselves for best awards program.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Coy]

That is.

[Mark Steines]

I will say that the. The most unexpected was at the end when Will Ferrell came out with his kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Steines]

Because that's the way I always wanted to. To do those shows. Just show up in my mandals and my, you know, my beach wear and just hang out and, you know, he did.

[Adam Carolla]

I could imagine. I could imagine them like. Like three months ago during the planning phases. And, like, they're sitting around and like, well, Will Ferrell's gonna come out and he's got a funny bit cooking for this. And then we're gonna take those sisters from the new girl over there, the dash. And L says, oh, come out, his sister. That'd be fun. And then somebody went, what about LL Cool J? And then somebody went, we don't need him. He's. We're good here. Oh, no, no, no. He will be presenting. And he went, no, I think we've. First off, we have African Americans represented pretty well, and it's a long list. Excuse me. You're doing award show, are you not? Yeah. Are you doing a workshop?

[Brian Bishop]

Need I get the contract and show?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you doing a work section five?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, doing a workshop.

[Adam Carolla]

Then when do you want LL Cool J to come out and present?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, we have a whole roster of presenters.

[Adam Carolla]

Understood.

[Brian Bishop]

And luminaries.

[Adam Carolla]

When should ll come out with one of them?

[Brian Bishop]

I'll put this in a polite way. We have a full roster, right. A very complete.

[Adam Carolla]

It just got fuller.

[Brian Bishop]

A very complete roster.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish I could not have Ll Cool J show up at an award show.

[Brian Bishop]

Then don't.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. You understand? It's not mathematically, legally. It's just. It's what would happen. I don't. Do you want to find out?

[Brian Bishop]

No, not now.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I don't either. Oh, shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe we can get into block.

[Adam Carolla]

You get LL Cool J in the show now, quick. I have not seen. I. By the way, if I saw. I feel like if I saw the Oscars in black and white when Johnny Carson was hosting, LL Cool J would somehow I think there's a mandate that he been inserted into award shows, that he was not born while those shows were going on.

[Mark Steines]

In fact, the Cable Ace Awards are coming back, so he could be in my ear, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're putting him in.

[Brian Bishop]

They're pulling it off the walls.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Replaying it. All right, but no hats, right? LL Cool J can't wear hats. That's my only speculation. That's the only stipulation.

[Brian Bishop]

I figured he'd probably want to wear a kangal hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Cannot.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

He has to wear a hat, and he has to come out in the middle of the show.

[Brian Bishop]

Will one leg be rolled up?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I have not seen any form of an award handed out where LL Cool J was not there.

[Brian Bishop]

You think he shows up at, like, corporate events? Like, people giving out their Employee of the Year award? And just like I'm here, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

When people win, like, a picture for finishing off, you know, they win award. Like, you know, there's, like, local diners where if you can eat the diamond Jim Brady steak, you get it for free. And a gift certificate. I think he shows up to those.

[Mark Steines]

He's at the Denny's Employee of the Week awards. I've seen those.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody cut together a montage of LL Cool J just walking up to that microphone that's coming out of the the ground. Because I just have not seen an award show in the last 11 years that did not have LL Cool J either host, by the way, I'll bet there's been arguments where they went, we need LL Cool J in this award show he's hosting. Don't make excuses. I want him. I want him in this thing. I want him delivering an award. He's hosting the show. Don't make it.

[Brian Bishop]

You want to go to LL and.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell him it can't be in. He's hosting.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not going to want to hear this.

[Mark Steines]

Emmys next year should do him. He's a song guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's. I don't know. I just know he is the brown parsley next to the side of the award plate. You want to open a diner, go get some parsley. Those are the rules. That is it. LL Cool J must attend. What else?

[Brian Bishop]

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the Colbert won the outstanding Variety series. Breaking. I didn't even realize the Daily show had won the previous 10 years in a row.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Beating out Kimmel and Fallon.

[Adam Carolla]

John did.

[Mark Steines]

More kids, more. I think youth today get their news from Daily show and Colbert Report.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they don't watch legitimate stuff. I'll tell you where they get all their news. Go to meeting, baby. Go to meeting with HD faces. Yeah, I got some thoughts on that in a second. I'll tell you. You can use your webcam. You can see everyone in HD can launch and join. Have meetings on your computer, your phone, your tablet, even your iPad. Does not matter. And you can try it out for free. Free. 30 days free. That's right. Just visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button and use the promo code. AdamGotomeeting, baby, meeting is believing these guys are great sponsors. And again, for 30 days free. What do you got to lose? Go to meeting.com, click on the try it free button. Whenever I watch, they deliver that. Whenever they deliver that portion of the show, that category of the show, they have all the writers, and all the writers always do a sort of Bob Hope Texaco all star lineup. I'm dating myself. But when he would do. He'd do the college all star team, and it all come out and they always do something funny. They'll do puppets. Jimmy had Oprah do. Hers was very funny. Because they're comedy writers. They have to do. And first thing you realize is for me, I don't know why, but these shows, they get a little less funny when I find out that Colbert has 16 writers. Like, I go cap it at 10. But then as I watch all these things I was watching, and it's like it's a sausage festival basically going on and all these writers. And so, you know, somebody tweeted me and they're right that Colbert has 16 writers. One of them is a female. And Huffington Post, feel free to get your panties in a bunch, although I don't think you will because he's on your side, so you'll not do that. I got into a lot of trouble some year 18 months ago when someone said, who's funnier, men or women? I said, well, men are funnier than women. I didn't say women weren't funny. I said, men are funnier. But I told Gary, tally it up. And it turns out it's 86.7. 0.7. That's 72 out of 83 of all the writers in that category are men. All right, so what's going on? Are they discriminating? Maybe I had something to mention.

[Mark Steines]

Wait, I want to know more. You got in trouble with who?

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody who knows I'm right. But who decided it was a cause?

[Brian Bishop]

Celeb People jumped on top of that.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to somehow blow sunshine up their own collective asses. I got in trouble by the hypocrites who live on the moral seesaw which is lowering me. Thus raises them. They don't offer ways to get more female writers work in Hollywood. They call me a hypocrite and a sexist. They'll toss in homophobic as well in that group, but also misogynists and everything else, and then add that they feel sorry for my daughter, which, by the way, is fucking greatest life of anyone.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, the debate, quote unquote, over who's funnier, men or women, is kind of not here nor there. We can have this debate till the end of time. But it's more interesting. It's a thing like, why are 86.7% of Emmy nominated comedy writers men? There must be a reason. Sociological, genetic, whatever it is. There must be a reason. So let's have that discussion, because that's interesting and there's an answer there. But no one wants to have that discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it serves Adam Kirill is a caveman and he doesn't know what he's talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

See, we just got our answer.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. I took it a step further, and I mean it. And I was telling Dr. Drew this earlier today. I said, look, if my son and my daughter both come out to be the exact same funny in the comedy, you know, they're both the same, I will tell the girl, go get a job as a comedy writer. They're looking for women in these rooms. Colbert has 16 riders and one is a woman. Try to cut that one woman and see what the network says. Try to come back next year. The edict is always, could you get another woman into the room? And by the way, this works for ethnicities as well. They're dying for that. So if my son is a seven in the chuckles department and my daughter is a seven in the chuckles department, I will tell my son, you got a cock and it's white. So you go with Uncle.

[Brian Bishop]

How do you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Go with Uncle Mark. I know that I botched the circumcision myself. You go with Uncle Mark and learn how to split logs. Natalia, go get yourself a gig in a writer's room. They're looking for you. But I said to Dr. Drew, if your daughter's Asian and says, I'd like to go to ucla, tell her, don't bother. I'll save you a trip. You're not getting in.

[Mark Steines]

Look, Tina Fey is one of the funniest people I've Met.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Mark Steines]

She's hilarious in what she does.

[Adam Carolla]

She was mentioned in my. And Sarah Silverman. They're all mentioned in my list of Kathy Griffin of Funny Women. Although that part got left out when people went back to try to attack me on it. You're not gonna convince me of this. Men are funnier. There's more funny men than there are women. Now we can talk about the sociological aspects of it. It is that men want to attract women, we want to get laid. And when we're bald or we don't have the Mark Steinas matinee idol good.

[Brian Bishop]

Looks or if you're like me.

[Joe Coy]

Both.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but by the way, that's not. That's why guys who look like Dolph Lundgren aren't the funniest dudes at the party. It's the guys who look like David Wilde.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that example looks like.

[Mark Steines]

Is fat funny. What's his name?

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Mark Steines]

The actor who lost all the weight from Belushi. No, no, no, no, no. We talked about. He was in Jonah Hill.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Mark Steines]

Thank you. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, making a batting move, which was confused.

[Mark Steines]

No, because he did that. He was in Brad Pitt.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Moneyball.

[Mark Steines]

Moneyball. Thank you. You know, we were talking about. I did an interview with him and. And, you know, he lost all that weight and all of a sudden it shifted for me as I was looking at him. He wasn't sort of that funny guy anymore. He was taking himself much more serious during the interview.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a lot of things. If you look, it's okay. UCLA has a bunch of Asian females. They don't need any more Asian females. They do need Hispanic males, African American females. That's what they need. So if that's what they need, that's what they're gonna be looking for. And thus your grade could be the exact same as the Asian female. Guess which one they're picking. When it comes to white comedic actors with a medium build, we got a lot of them. Fat guy's a little bit of a novelty, and that's just the way the humans work. But as I say, these are the most progressive people on the planet. I mean, whether it's Daily Report or these late night shows. Fallon, whatever. This is Hollywood. This is as progressive a group as a group gets. They are way less than usually. Actually, I think Jimmy has two writers to his credit, right? They are. Yes, Molly. They are less than 10% on their staff. So what's up? Are they discriminating?

[Brian Bishop]

They're obviously, if anyone's motivated, looking to add, you Know what I mean? They're the ones. And.

[Mark Steines]

Yeah, but you're also listening to the audience. I mean, I presume a lot of their audience is male at late night. I mean, you look at my show.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S less than 10%. Right.

[Mark Steines]

But you look at my show and we ought to.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a self satisfying.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a bigger pool to choose from because there's more of an emphasis on comedy with males. Again, we can explore that. But the answer, when you ask Adam Carolla, who's funnier, men or women? I say men because the answer is either we're tied, which is statistically almost impossible, or it's women, which I don't think is the case. And I said the cast of the super progressive shows will bear me out on that. All right. Oh, Baby Doll. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

What about him? Baby Doll Dixon must have been resplendent in his.

[Adam Carolla]

He was at the Emmys. We just had him in here the other day. We brought him around the shop. Me and Baby Doll had a good time. Here's Colbert. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

As I said before, it's sort of a cliche to say that it's an.

[Adam Carolla]

Honor just to be nominated, but it's more than that.

[Brian Bishop]

It's also a lie.

[Mark Steines]

This is way better.

[Adam Carolla]

I personally have to thank my friend and my brother Jon Stewart, who is.

[Brian Bishop]

The one who said we should do.

[Adam Carolla]

A show together where.

[Brian Bishop]

You'Re a professional idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

And John never told me how good this feels.

[Mark Steines]

Actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to thank again, the network for letting us do this. I want to thank James Dixon, my agent. I want to thank.

[Brian Bishop]

I want to thank my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's James Baby Doll Dixon.

[Brian Bishop]

Got a little throat break there.

[Joe Coy]

He got a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, that could just been Jimmy. James Baby Doll Dixon, everybody.

[Brian Bishop]

Quite a night.

[Adam Carolla]

Quite a night.

[Brian Bishop]

His client streak was broken by another client. It's pretty amazing. He represents both.

[Adam Carolla]

He's basically. He shows up the Kentucky Derby every year and he owns 14 out of the 16 horses.

[Brian Bishop]

Spice of Cigar is going to be a good day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's going to be a good day if you're James Baby Doll Dixon. Ah, it's going to be a good day for you. Evoys Baby Summer is here. You don't want to get stuck in the office. You want to roll around. You want to screen those calls, but you want to come off like a pro. How do you do it? Poolside, Evoice baby forward business calls to your home, mobile device or any number. You don't have time. Don't have time to take that call good. Let it route to voicemail and then you can read it at your convenience in the form of a text. Oh, boy. Forget about splitting those logs. We're living in the future, baby. Create the appearance of the whole office building and departments and customers will think you're a genius. And you can try it. Free 30 days free. Go to evoice.com enter the promo code Adam or click on the evoice [e-mail] evoice free 30 days evoice.com promo code out. All righty, us.

[Brian Bishop]

You want me to bring it home?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bring it home. Yeah. There you go. Paul Bryan's right, everybody. Us at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club tonight, two shows come on out. Greg Probst, Brad Williams gonna be there. Minneapolis Varsity Theater, first show, sold out. Tickets to the second show going fast. That's coming up on Friday, Friday the 27th. I'm gonna be signing some Mangria in Minneapolis and in Chicago and doing some stand up in Waukegan at the genesee theater. That's the 28th of September. Go to AdamKroll.com you can find out where we're signing the bottles, where we're gonna be and all that kind of good stuff. Alison Rose and new best friend Fred Stoller. And always love me some Fred. And you can get him and her on itunes or on our app or Alison Rose. Mondays and Thursdays, of course, New episodes. Mark Steinas Home and family, everybody. Season two this Monday, September 30th, 10am I'll be happy to come back, especially mainly based on the wonderful experience I had last time and proximity to my home. This place is shot like literally down.

[Mark Steines]

The street in his house. Actually, we're moving into the house wing of my home.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so until next time, Daniel Crow from Mark Steinus, Joe Coy and Ball. Bryan saying mahalo.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment.

[Adam Carolla]

Until then, mahalo. And get it on Sam.