← Adam Carolla Show
Adam Carolla Show
Jo Koy + Dr. Drew (Carolla Classics)
03:58:27
#1 ACS #1519 (feat. Dr. Drew, Jo Koy, Gina Grad and Bryan Bishop) Recorded 02-24-2015 – Release Date 02-25-2015 #2 ACS #2479 (feat. Gina Grad and Bryan Bishop) Recorded 12-19-2018 – Release Date 12-20-2018 Hosted...
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Adam Carolla
Been sitting a while. Maybe it's time to go for a quick walk around the block. Walk, skip, sprint, sashay. Whatever gets you up and moving a little exercise can make a big difference. This healthy suggestion is brought to you by Regent's Blue Cross Blue Shield of Oregon. Together we help. Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Carolla substack. Make sure to check out adamcarolla.substack.com Sign up to get access to ad free shows, lots of bonuses, including the new podcast Beat it Out, currently featuring Jay Moore. All right, let's get to the clips. Coming up first, we have adam Kurilla show 1519. Dr. Drew, Joe Coy, Gina Grant, Brian Bishop. This was from February of 2015. I hope you enjoy. You can tell things are boring by the silence. I know, I noticed. You don't have to say it's boring. You're on stage holding a microphone and we're not hearing anything. That thus will draw the conclusion of boring. All right, all right, let's do one more. Okay. Holly Carso has a question from West Covina. Holly Carso, possible hot name. Oh, there. Yeah, there you are. Yeah, there you are. Yeah. Is it different than a. If you can't do Stacy Oakley, I'll take a Holly car. So. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like I said, Gertrude Bort. We need to see a picture. Stacy Oakley. No picture. Holly Caro, Harley Caso. I'll take your word for it. I'd say there's a. There's a couple of follow up, you know, you vouch for her? If you vouch. Yeah, there's. There's like two follow ups. Something, you know, there's a cup size and should we know anybody who knows her? But we're still in. We're still. What celebrity does she look like? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm. All right. She wants to know she got married in August. You paid $146 for her dress. Sweet. Nice era. How much weight can she gain per year? Sky's the limit. Well, Drew, I've said I forget your formula, but go ahead. The formula is. Well, first thing I'm trying to avoid is the $3,600 on the dress that will never be worn again. Right. So that's the first thing I'm attempting to avoid. Yes. By the way, you know what the number one argument to the $3,600 dress never going to be worn again. One day our daughter's going to walk. Oh, good. It gets worn twice over the span of 41 years. Wow, what a bargain. I'm quitting my job. B, we're on easy street. We're moving to Maui. What's that lake in Italy? That. Como. Lake Como. Clooney's got him behind the lake kicking his ass off. Man, this is going to be awesome. Number so. So a couple things. First off, here's how I know this isn't going to happen. Because you are not wearing your mom's dress. Your mom fed the same line of bullshit to your dad in 1968. So that much we know. Number two, nobody wants to wear the jizz encrusted out of style. Well, let's face it, no one wants to wear the jizz laden, way out of date wedding dress that smells of fucking mothballs and failure that your divorced now divorced mom wore back in the 60s, right? Yeah, absolutely. All right, so the rule, because I'm feeling generous, is $1,000 is what you can spend on a wedding dress. If you would like to exceed the thousand dollar limit, you may. But for each hundred dollars you go above it, you must fit your fat ass in it for one year. For each hundred dollars, one year. Want to go 1500? 5 years you got to fit into that dress. I don't care if you're pregnant with triplets getting you in there. I say it's the only time a woman would bulk up for the wedding. She'd really be packing on the carbs. You'd wake up like two nights before the wedding. She'd be making a peanut butter and banana smoothie in the kitchen at like 3am you'd be like, sweetie, what are you doing? Gotta fit into my dress. Try to stretch it out. I got expensive dress here. Yeah, so what? 186 on the 147. 146. Sorry. 146 on the dress. Nice. She can make up nice. Do you think? Can I ask this? Let's be goddamn honest. Oh, is there could you tell the difference between the $146 dress and the $4600 dress when you're standing. Well, 146 implies like what? Thrift shop, secondhand vintage kind of thing. Dead new, not jewel encrusted. Something simple and tasteful. Right, but simple and tasteful, what's wrong with that? I mean the other thing is, is if you are not an owner, if You're a renter if you live in an apartment. I got, like, 7,500 bucks is to cap on the wedding. You can't be spending $31,000 on a fucking wedding. Makes no sense. Well, women don't make any sense, Drew. And it's their. It's their one day to really not make sense. You know what I mean? Like, most days, people are going, are you crazy? I'm driving. No, you sit over there. You don't make sense. But for that one day in their life, they get to not make sense and get away with it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I want all the bridesmaids to wear a dress picked in a color that makes them look fat. It's my day not to make sense. I'm gonna spend a whole shitload of money on flowers that we're gonna throw away 20 minutes after this fucking thing ends. It's my day not to make sense. Then they get together with their other friends that don't make sense, and they explain to you why you're getting a deal. Like, I'm like, The florist is $3,300. Hey, we're getting a deal. Really? What universe are we getting a deal for flowers? For 3200. I bought three pickup trucks. My first three pickup trucks didn't add up to $3200. Hey, it's my day not to make sense. And my friend Jody's wedding, they spent. They always, See, they find some crazy friend with some eccentric, rich hedge fund dad who decided to literally cut down a hedge and fund it and spent, thank you, $8,500 on fucking dead plant life and some. Somehow I'm getting a deal now because you have a crazy, rich, eccentric friend. Yeah. By the way, this whole. This whole fucking scam where. Well, the fuck. Father of the bride. Yeah, he lives in a trailer, and he's out around Valencia, and he didn't contribute shit. And neither did anyone in my family. I paid for the whole goddamn thing. Do you plan on paying for your daughter's wedding? Oh, he'll have to. See, I'm going to be. I'm going to be screwed now. I should. If in the. Dad didn't pay for my wedding. So Lynette's dad did not pay for our wedding. I should get grandfathered in on a clause, right? Sorry, sweetie. It's a family tradition now. But, Daddy, you sold Mangria for $200 million. Yeah, life's a bitch. Yeah. I should now write. I should get the kickback. Right? Put it Writing now? Yeah. Holly was the rest of your wedding. So economical. No, I was gonna say your day. Not to make sense, but did it make sense? You did what, on the food? No, the place. Oh, the place. Yeah, the place. I thought you said place also. Yeah, maybe there's a palate issue, the venue. And maybe it's not just a cuisine. What kind of venue was it? Beautiful. Now, what you. Did you rent a place out or did you know somebody or. I ran a place. So you spent the money where you should spend it, right? The dress. And by the way, the dress is the present that never stops giving. And that it needs to be put in storage. And now you have to pay for the storage. Specially sealed. It has to be sealed and put somewhere with some sort of monthly payment so that no one can ever wear it again. By the way, the video. I used to say the video is an insane waste of time because you never dig out that video and watch that video. The only time you watch that video is after the divorce when you're sitting there with the bottle of Jack Daniel between your legs and your underpants and you're seeing if you get your big toe under the hunting rifle trigger where you are. That's the only time you watch that video. I've seen enough movies to know that wedding video never comes out until the cop's been divorced. Solitary teardrops, right? Music playing Or. Or whatever. She bought it. Hang gliding accident. It's always. It's never good. No, it's never good. It's bittersweet at best. Bittersweet. All right, let's do. Let's do one more. Dr. Drew's gotta hit the road really pretty soon. Oh, yeah, I do. Where's Fernando Saldana of Azusa, California? Azusa? Yeah. Okay, Fernando. So, Adam. Yeah, hold on, Fernando. I will throw myself off this stage like Ann Margret if you do not know the ABBA song. And Margaret fell off a stage in Vegas. 72. Could have been 77. You don't know more timely references. Find the story, Gary. Prove me right. I will. You know the song Fernando by abba, right? Okay. Thank Christ. Because when people have a song with their name in it and they've never heard of it, it drives me insane. All right, all right. His question. So, Adam. Yeah. You shower with only hot water, and I have started taking your advice. Oh, Jesus. Genius, humanity. But how hot does the shower need to be? Are we talking being able to soak your cock and balls for 30 seconds at a time? Because when I turn up the heat, I got to turn it down real quick. Please help. Re. Exclamation points. Wow. Can I say this? Why does the hot water at either your house or. And we're going to get back this fucking dishwashing thing. Oh, Jesus. The hot water at restaurants. You ever go to wash your hands at a restaurant and your fucking skin comes off because. Or. Or it's cold. One of the others either settings. Yeah. No. When you turn the hot. If there's two. When you go for the hot, it is way too hot. And I have the same thing at my house, which is way hotter than I need it to be. I don't know why. There's something about dialing it in that makes you feel magical. Like cracking a safe. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Stethoscope up to the safe. Yeah. Yeah. He's one of the best shower men in the business. He's one of the best second story shower guys in the business. He's not a wheel man, he's a showerman. Yeah. Yeah. His back sack is so sensitive that he can back sack. Yeah. I again, just the hot water, just the. Just the hands through the hair. Just the 30 second rinse is all I. All I got. But I will say, say that a little. That Dr. Fugly's peppermint soap on the Dr. Bronner's soap. How about that? Well, people bring soap into my home. I see. I don't purchase soap, but once in a while when I'm napping or out of town, it makes it in, deliver it, magically smuggle it into the shower. But you can do 10 minutes on dishwashers because your dishwasher bought the farm. My dishwasher is dead. And it's awesome because I hate fucking dishwasher's like what? It's awesome because every night I sit there and I watch my nanny, or my wife, mostly my nanny, stand over the sink with a sponge on a plate with hot water coming out of the sponge soap, and often soap doing the thing, rinsing it off. And then instead of the move where she puts it on the rack to the left, she bends over and fills the machine and then fires the thing up. And it feels like that thing runs for two hours and basically could power the continent of Africa for the fucking two hours of water chugging and pumping and po. And then at a certain point she opens it and the plume of steam comes out and fucks her hair up. And then there's always a little controversy too. Are these clean? I can't tell. Have this been wet. Better be safe. Put it in for another cycle. Run it again. Again. Here's why I can't tell if they're dirty or clean. They're clean because you wash them in the sink, then they put them in, and then they have to bend over and unload the machine two hours later. And I'm like, there was a point in this dance of the tards where you were standing over a sink with hot water running upon the plate and a sponge, where if you'd Given an extra 1.7 seconds, you could have just put it over here. That shall not do. That shall not do. No. No. Why don't you just take the kids, throw a fucking. Throw cannonball in their underpants and toss them into the pool? Because that's what you're saying. And I'm like, I don't know why we're doing this. Why are we doing this? Well, here's some good news. The washing machine broke. Yes. And as we've safely established, the only time anything around the house ever gets fixed is when moi fucking does it. And guess which fucking ma doesn't want this piece of shit box that steals my energy and my water and my soul. Guess who doesn't want that thing fixed? Adam Wa. Adam Wa. That's right. Me. Wa. So I ain't doing about it. And that means it will never get done because as we've established, I have to do everything. It's gonna be awesome. What if a new dishwasher turns up? I'm tickled pink. It won't. What? Just. What if, though? I don't want to say this because it's part of my plan and I don't want Lynette to hear it, but I will. I will. If there's any talk about. Hey, when is that dishwasher? I'll do the. I'm looking at a couple on Amazon. I'll get back to you. I just bought myself six months. I just bought six months. You understand? Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm already a week in, and they're just putting them on the rack like a fucking. Told them to do my whole life. So now I have a little muscle memory going and a history, and I think we can just fucking ride this one out. Did the Corolla household have a dishwasher? If we just did a freestanding one, you'd push around the kitchen, One of those things. My mom had the one on the four casters. My kitchen was as big as my fist. Growing up. Growing up. My house. I just told you. Hold on. You had a tough childhood. I didn't know it. I don't talk about it. No, you don't talk about. I don't like to complain. I don't complain. I've never heard. I don't like to verbalize it. My childhood. But my house that I grew up in, in North Hollywood has now been sold and sold to a person who is going to bulldoze it so that they can build a real house in its place. That's how bad that house got to get pictures of before it goes down. I got pictures of it. All right. Okay. There ain't much to take a picture of. It's 900 square feet of. I want to see your. Your. Your stepdad's cool tool ched chained to the wall. I want to see those. The pictures. Like that. When I moved out, my room was turned into a storage closet, which it was to begin with. And when my sister moved out, her room was turned into a storage closet. They both were turned into storage offices, not guest rooms. Storage for what? Junk that will never see the light of day. I can't imagine your parents accumulating a lot of things. My stepdad has a couple of toolboxes, and when they go to Costco, they buy a few cases of, you know, whatever, sparkling cider or something and throw it in there. That's what my room is being. Toolbox, monkey wrench, couple screwdrivers, and it's a pantry. Maybe. Maybe a ratchet set or something. And he chains it. He chains. He chains it to the. All right. Okay. God damn it, Drew. I'm gonna cry. I can't see a crying aquarium. Okay. Tuna. He's a tuna. There's a 4x4 post that is in my sister's former room because my grandfather built her a loft bed because there's not enough room. The footprint of the room is not large enough to put a small bed in, so he put it above ground so my sister could have a dresser in there. And my stepdad takes his toolbox with his $40 worth of shitty tools in it and chains it to the post. Now, he always says it's so somebody breaks in and reach $40 worth of shitty tools, but I always assumed it was to keep me away from. From the tools. But anyway, they're quirky. They're quirky. Group delightful. They sleep in separate rom com. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's kitchen was much smaller than the stage and not well laid out at all. But in it was the mobile dishwasher on the four casters that had to be pushed to the sink and then hooked up to the sink via the retractable hose that was in the back of it. And it was just. It'd be like if you took the. Like, so like if you took a. A kitchen that was in a small boat and somebody just put a coffin in it. Like. Like that's how much sense it made to wash the dishes. Except for she never cooked. Other than that, it was a great idea. Did she wash her bongs in there or anything? Or. She didn't use. How dare you. I cherish that woman. How dare you attack her. Wow. Wow. My mom smoked a doobie and put it in what's called a stone. I don't know. A stone is like somebody was making a Swedish meatball of clay and squishing it and squished it with their two fingers right at the end. But first they poked a hole in it so they could put a doobie in one end of it. It's. It's. Smoke it through the stuff. Yes, it's. It's a. That's one of the dish. Yeah, that's what it looked like. Yeah. There could be no more intrusive device in these very small kitchen. Is this the kitchen? Is this your. No, my kitchen was smaller than this kitchen. And we did not do still photography. Right? Yes, it's in. In lieu of using a roach clip, you use a stone. Okay. I've heard of it. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Coolest equipment in the 70s. Yes. All right, we have the news. We have Joe coy. We have Dr. Drew. When. Drew. What time is it? Geez, you. What time you gotta go? Hey, I'm gonna give you a plug. Dr. Drew, everybody. The podcast, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, new episodes Thursday and Sunday on iTunes. And the TV show, Dr. Drew on Call, everybody. He's dreamy. And that's Monday through Thursday, 9pm Eastern on HLN website, Dr. DrDrew.com. all right, Joe Coy is going to join us at some point, but until he does, I think we can jump off with the news. Shall we do that? Gina Grass, the Adam Carolla show, your source for the news that matters or random stories that piss Adam off? Well, I'm starting a little bit of a down note because it was a big occurrence today. The driver of a truck accused of causing a train derailment Tuesday morning that injured nearly 30 people, four critically, was arrested on a felony hit and run charge. The train hit a vehicle. It was a truck and a trailer on the tracks and caused many of the cars, I think all of them actually to topple over, and one was in the street. Do you think there's. In 2015 or just in general, there's an inordinate amount of. Well, my car was just on these train tracks. I don't feel you should have figured it out ever. In a situation where it's like, well, the arm wasn't functioning. Yeah, but your right foot worked, didn't it? Like, don't you feel like you're four feet away from averting any catastrophe whatsoever? Like, why is there so much. Well, the car was stuck, or we were trying to beat the. Why is there so much of that? Train tracks are not posed that big of a problem at this point, and this one was actually worse. Instead of going over it, I think he thought it was a road and went parallel, took a left on the train track. Oh. So we literally. Oh, man. And it was. It was dark. Too dark. It was 5:55. And trains just have that single light. Yeah. So he's like, oh, there's some pussy on him. Moped, wants to play chicken. We'll see. All right, buddy. I hope you got more than 80cc's in that Vespa, because I'm about to run over your ass. This is a Ford F250 king cab, all right? Not a 150. I'm coming right at you, boy. This. This scooter has a cow catcher. Yeah, it's yours. A shitty stretch of road. And they. They actually found the guy wandering two miles from the crash. Just kind of. What the fuck just happened? Oh, the guy who abandoned the. Yes. Why abandon the time it takes to abandon something? Isn't that the time it takes to turn left? Is there ever a situation where you just. Like, you're at an intersection or you're anywhere, or you see a guy, like, you're on the freeway? It happened to me. I was driving to work today. I was on the freeway, and another guy in the 1354 started to merge into my car. I didn't abandon the car. I didn't, like, roll down the passenger window and just do a shoulder roll. I steered a little bit the other direction and thus avoided the guy who didn't see me. But I never just jump out of the sunroof. So you're questioning the logic of the guy who turned left and drove down a train track? I am, yeah. He may have been a little bit out of it, but. But I am saying, you know, this is like, you know, it's not true. Lies and you're not Jamie Lee Curtis. And we're not on a bridge in Florida. Take that slightly more time. Slightly more time. We're getting to this century. Yes. All right, all right. Sad. Did you guys see there was a car chase yesterday out here? Did you guys see that story on the, on the news? What drives me nuts is these things. They go, it started 90 minutes ago in Northridge and now they're in, I don't know, fucking Redlands or something. Why is the protocol just to follow slowly? Why is it, I don't know, because at a certain point it's like they got the helicopter on the guy and it's like, oh, he's running some traffic. Oh, he's, he's driven over the lane. He's driving in oncoming traffic. And you're like, how pissed would you be if 90 minutes ago some junkie got into his pickup truck in Northridge and then it's an hour and a half later and you're in Redlands with your kid and oh, head on collision. Like, do something, would you? Cops. The cops fault. It's a. Attorney's fault. Because if the guy shot out the tires the guy got, the guy would sue for damages and the state would have to award him or the state, city or whatever it is. The cops can't do anything but follow the guy, which is not helping the person he's going to run over. I had a. I was at home when I lived up Beechwood Canyon. Beechwood Canyon goes up to the Hollywood sign and Beechwood Canyon and Hollywood land area as it's called, is there's one way in and there's one way out. And I was in my house and I think Ray or one of my jackoff buddies called and was like, hey, turn on the news. There's a, There's a high speed chase coming right up your street. And I watched a helicopter. I was watching the news. Guy walks, the guy drives right up Beechwood Canyon, turns onto my street. I go outside, I see him drive by my house and I think to myself, well, there's only one way out of this. It's coming back down West Shire Drive. West Shire Drive is a loop. The way he got in. Yeah, the way you got in. Oh, no, there's an exit that goes back to Beechwood, but it just makes a big loop. It's fucking nothing. Joe Coy. Love you, buddy. So I go, well, the. Joe Coy. The cops aren't stupid. We're talking about car chase protocol. There was a big one yesterday and what they're going to do Joey Koi. They're going to block off the bottom of Beechwood Canyon, and then this thing's going to be over. Oh, no. Looped around, went down Beechwood, got on the 101, drove off to the 1 what, stayed on the 101, drove to Northridge, got off on, like, Devonshire or something. Two hours later, the guy was out of his truck and running through like a senior living home. And I'm thinking, what is the plan? This guy dies of fucking old age? Or just. That's like, he's going to wait it out. He's got to stop. Eventually. He's going to need to hydra, he's going to need to rehydrate, and he's going to get peckish, and that's when we make our move. Thanks, cops. Let me tell you who else can follow a guy. Me. I don't have a gun. I don't have a squad car. I don't have a baton. I can follow the fucking guy. What do we fuck we need you for? We're just following the way he runs out of gas. Jesus Christ. So, Gary, whatever happened. I hate to. I hate to say this, Jo. Koy. Asian drivers. Oh, no. Because that chase would have been over, like, 10 seconds. Why am I even trying to outrun Andy? Yeah, no, they don't try to. The Asians in general don't try to elude. Catch me if you can. Cops. Yeah. Oh, I've been caught. They don't. They do not. They do not attempt to elude the. The cops. You know what I'm saying? You know, like. Like when the cops pull the Asians over, it's like you realize how fast you're going. I can't even see the. Yeah, you. You were. I pulled you over because you were doing 18 and a 55. Well, then I'll slow down, Officer. No, no, no, no. You're so sorry. No, no, you're missing. I just made this car. All right, you're maybe missing my point. Yeah, 55 is the speed that we want. Wow. What are you driving, a Rocket 55. You know, a Prius can easily do 55. I've never hit that speed before. Well, that is, unless I'm going to the future. I've not seen that Michael J. Fox movie you speak of. Very good. Are you a fan of the DeLorean? I loved Aurora. DeLorean. DeLorean. DeLorean. It's a DeLorean. Yes. Very good car, the DeLorean. Fast and furious. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. It's. It's made of stainless steel. Ah, stainless steer. Yeah, it's a DeLorean stainless steel. Absolutely. Okay, absolutely. Maybe we probably digress a little bit anyway. Yeah, we digressed. Can you say digress? Digress. Okay, all right, let's not digress. All right, the point is this. The speed limit posted speed limit? Yes. 55. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. No, no. Wow. No, that's. Wow. No, you're probably too fast for me. No, you're missing. Too fast for you. Yeah, no, I think. I think you're missing. Hold on, everybody. You may be missing my point here. Maybe my inflection is wrong. Can you say inflection? Inflection. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'm putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable. Okay. You know the red rocker, Sammy Hagar? Oh, yes, Sammy Hagar. Sammy Hagar. Yeah. Okay. Van Haren. Right? Van Haren. Who her? Van Haren. Oh, Halen, right. Yeah. Before that he was on his own. Okay. Solo. Ah. He had a song called I can't drive 55. Neither can I. Yeah, no, that's. Neither cannot. He knows something we all know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, he wasn't. No, he was. He's telling everyone to slow down. No, he was. Slow down. No, that was 55 driving a. She's a red rocker. So much safer. The. The gist of. Of. Of of Sammy's song was that 55 was too slow for him. Oh, yeah. See, 50. 55 saves lives. Makes no sense. Yeah. So anyway, he can't drive 55. Yeah, he can't because he 18. No, no, he. Okay, you know what? I shouldn't have used the song as a. Look at all the car behind me. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're angry. Look at all of them. I know. Not one accident. No, because you give me ticket. What an. I was gonna the guy Drive for two and a half hour. 5,000 mile an hour. I. I will. Hold on a sec. Get out car, start running first. Off I go. 18. Look at this. Like a parade behind me. Everyone get to work safely. You don't even have to wear seashells. An hour. How. How long would it have you driven to San Diego? Yes, I have. How long did that take you? 14 days. 14 days. One of the best. Drives 101, but for most people it's a two or three hour drive. H. Beautiful. Just dry one time. Have you ever driven to the 14 day you from the Bay Area? 18. Just a parade of car. Have you. We all they say I number one. I number one. They drive by Y number one. You don't understand. Culturally, I don't believe what, what, how we do things in America. The middle finger is not number number one. It's the longest finger and it says. They point at me and they say, yo, number one. I say thank you. Your number one too. And I get it right back at him. It could be a sign of respect where you, where you're from. But here, no. Are you Asian? Have you have any relatives in the Bay Area? Oh, lots. Lots of relative in the Bay Area. Ever driven to the Bay Area? Ah, yes, I have. Yes. I had. How many days? How many days to the Bay? Yeah. One month maybe. Yeah. To see it could be done on the grapevine in just six, seven hours. Through Baker Field. No, no, that's all. That's all the way to San Francisco. Bakersfield. Through Baker Field. To Bakersfield, through Baker Field. Two Bakers feels about two and a half hour Grapevine to Bakersfield. Yeah, it's about two hours. Okay. What I'm saying is you're driving too slow. I pick up the pace. I don't understand. 55. I do. No problem. Nobody get, nobody get injured. I don't do anything. What do you drive? Going slow and slave. What do you drive in a school zone when school's in session? 45 miles per hour. What? I hate kids. And scene. Thank you. Thank you very much. The great bungalow. Stu Joy. Man, you man. I was. I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to write him that ticket. Pretty chatty. Pretty chatty cop. I also knew quite a bit about Back to the Future from someone who never seen it. Michael James Fox is in it. All right. Shut up loud mouth. All right, easy brown sugar. Now listen, I do a show now there. How did the car chase end? Because I am so. It's still going. I am so sad to report to you that the only way I knew there was a car chase yesterday in Southern California is because I'm a huge intellectual. I TiVo TMZ and you want to. The most frustrating thing in the world TMZ is a half hour and the news is before it. But when they have a car chase, they run it through. But I fast forwarded all the way through to where it ended, but the guy was still in the car and smoke was coming out of the car. What? We were done. Cliffhanger. Cliffhanger. So how did it end? After 135 mile an hour chase and stand up, pick up drivers and chip. Oh, in custody. The don't they usually go to the docks like in San Pedro or Long beach, and they just run out of road. This guy drove through Pedro a. A gated community. Brazen. And dropped somebody off. No, he did it. I swear to God. So he was in a chase scene and then typed in a code to get in. No, he burst. He. He punched through the gate. £ I'm free. No, they gotta remember it was your birthday. Was it Kevin hart? Well, the thing. 06. 21. Right. The thing that was funny is the newscasters were like, he may have just dropped someone off at the house, you know, And I'm like, I highly doubt this chap lives in a gated community. Someone's late for work. Not the work of a guy who lives in a gated community, but he found a gated community, dropped somebody off at the gated community, and then pop through the other side. By the way, Once again, cops, when someone enters gated community, there's really. I mean, other than tunneling out, there's one gate and there's another gate. Feel free to stay right there, park the cruiser there. But no such luck. He had to keep going. He had to run. And he eventually bashed into another car. And then everyone just sat there. You know what I mean? Like, the cops all got out of their cars, all drew the guns, all did the stuff, but everyone in all the other cars was just like, yeah, we're just going to see what happens here. And it's like, adam, why do you hit it? Why do they draw the guns? I never understood why you draw the fucking gun. What do you want to do? Well, I just don't understand. You draw it and then they take off and then they put it back in. Yeah. Why the fuck did you take it out? It's no good. By the way. Don't even have a gun. People shoot. Yes. When shoot the. Wow. When. When somebody drew a gun, it used to mean something mean. A little. A little fear would be in the heart of whoever was on the other end of the barrel. Now it's like, go ahead and shoot me. I'll sue your ass. Yeah. All right. So anyway, eventually got out of the car, but all the cars around him at the intersection just sat there and watched. Like nobody just turned off and. And got out of there. Yes. They don't put down that strip anymore to pop the tires. No, I missed that strip. Me too. Me too. By the way, that takes timing. If they're not gonna use that strip, I'll use it. I mean, I'LL buy it off. I'll just throw it in the trunk just in case, you know, I'll use that bad boy. How would you use it? I. You know, in a multitude of ways, Brian. Thank you for asking. Well, please, name one or two. Well, let's just say the wife was going off to buy something that was a little expensive. A new dishwasher. A new dishwasher. She's going. She just googled Bosch, and she's now going off to buy a dishwasher. And I got to throw the fucking strip out. Yeah. Behind her car. Yeah. She can't escape the premises. Or let's say it's one of those things where it's like, it's parent teacher conference night, and everyone's mandatory show up, and we got to sit down with Sonny's teacher. I just roll it out in the driveway, you know? Well, four flat tires. We can hardly go to this. You know what I'm saying? Four flat tires. Use it to my. Use my advantage. Yeah, I can. I only have one donut. Yeah, one donut. That's right. Still can't make it. Yeah. How you. How you liking the Tesla, by the way? I love it. You love that car? Yeah, it's the best car in the world. Yeah, I love it. So fast. Yeah. No, so fast. And then I pop the. The hood. Groceries. Yeah, that's. That's my favorite car. Comes with, like, a Porsche. Pull up and show me an engine, and I just pop my hood and I'm like, groceries. But it comes. That's bread, and that's a cinnamon roll. It comes with a cinnamon roll. It comes with a cinnamon roll. Wow. Yeah. I thought there were groceries you bought, and they stored it in front. Wow. They stored in there. It's display food items. I really want that car now. Yeah. All right. Which one did you get? Top of the line. Ah. That's what I love about Joe Coy. Only the basketball. He's about his lack of speed, but he's got the need for it. All right, what else we got, Gina? Graham? Well, the BBC reports that eating peanut products as a baby dramatically cuts the risks of allergies. Of course, pussies. Trials. Trials on 628 babies prone to developing the allergy found that the risk was cut by 80%. By the way, who's offering up their infant child? You know what I mean? Hey, we're going to conduct some experiments. He's a German guy. I don't know his full name. But anyway, he's a pretty good doctor. I haven't checked him out, but he's over at the university. It's a junior college, but take your infants and drop them on by. Yeah. Long story short, there's 120 bucks in it for you. Yeah, like, who is offering their kids up for these things? People that didn't want their kid to have a peanut allergy or kill them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, look. You know, look, there's the happy news is he could eat as much Peter Pan and Jiff as humanly possible. There's another party could come home in a bag. Either way, going to anaphylaxis, we're gonna find out. By the way, why is Peter Pan peanut butter called Peter Pan Peanut Butter Pan do anything with peanut butter? Peanut butter in the movie? I don't think there's any peanut related. The Lost Boys nary ate one peanut butter sandwich. That's a. Yeah. He never said the Lost Boys. Who wants peanut butter and jelly? I'm doing this. Why? Why? Why him or her or it? Why License Peter Pan? Yeah, why? If you're the peanut butter company. You know what? I'll sell this peanut butter. You should have licensed the elephant peanuts and the one to license. That's not an alliteration. Yeah, but Dumbo would be the opposite of, like, smart. Water Dumbo, Peanut butter. People don't like to eat stuff that starts with dumb. Dip. Peanut butter. Yeah. I used to be able to solve this Rubik's Cube. Now, tip. No, but it's like, I used to be able to solve this Rubik's Cube and do my own taxes. Now I'm lost. Give me some more peanut butter. And I'm eating it with my hand now. I used to use a knife. Yeah. Yeah. Dumbo. Probably not at first glance the message you want to send, but gay guy in tight's probably not the message you want to send either. You know what I mean? Who never grows up? I don't know. All right. Just me. On the other hand, Jif is a pretty shitty name for peanut butter, too. Jiffy Skippy. Yeah. What is this? Laura Scudders? Come on. Is this. Hey, any guys you name Peanut Butter Butter out there? You guys are up royally. And you better hope I don't get involved with peanut butter, because I'll do one. You know who doesn't? Excellent excellence. You know who doesn't? Adam the planner's peanut guy. Why doesn't he have peanut butter? He's the one that deserves peanut butter. He's a. Well, you're right. And he does. Well, that's you know what I mean? He's like hawking cashews on and listen, this isn't even me. And you know what? Where's my butter? I make it. No, no, I'm a peanut and I can make butter. But Peter over here selling his jif. He's selling his. Skip that idiot. He's selling his. What about me? Well, listen, I'm a peanut. I want my butter. Brown sugar. Look at my brown sugar. Whoa. Look at my ass off. Okay, I'm making peanut butter right now. Okay, I'll just do it. I don't know how it happened. I don't even know how I do it. There's no processing. It just happens. Brown sugar. Put it in a goddamn jar. Put my face on it. Give me some royalties. Joe. Joe. What the is wrong with you, Jeff? Brown sugar. Hold on a second. I don't want you to spin out here. But it is black. By the way, I made you some peanut butter for Christmas. Hold on. It's Black History Month. Yeah, I know. I have a pretty large predominantly black crowd here tonight from Azusa. So I don't want you to turn on me. Security. Lots of black people suffering from vitiligo. I see. But George Washington Carver spent his life in a lab working with peanuts. Never invented peanut butter. Holy shit. Again. Probably not the time to bring it up, brown sugar. Yeah, but you know he's a hero to you. Yeah, he is a hero. But all I'm saying. You say he spent his life in a lab crushing peanuts. Yes, he did. Never spread it on a piece of bread. Not saying it in any way diminishes his workers legacy. That's because the white man had his hands open. Now, I don't know what the that means. I don't. I don't know. I don't now speak the Ebonics. But you. But what I'm saying, how you gonna spread. How you spread peanut butter without a knife in your hand? When your hands are spread wide the open. Right. Exactly. Okay, exactly. Yeah. Black History Month. Now listen, talk to my hand came with like 157 uses for peanuts. None of them was the number one use. Peanut butter. He didn't make butterfucker. And I'm just saying goddamn record with it. Yeah, it was a hole in his game. Like Shaq from the free throw line. Y. I mean, he had a lot. He's not all famer. Yeah, I mean, he's, you know, obviously should be remembered fondly, but not as fondly. He didn't invent peanut Butter. He did everything else with peanuts. Just. He missed the butter part, that's all. And I had to be weird every time, you know, lunch came around when he went upstairs for a sandwich. You know what I mean? Pimento loaf again. Okay. All right. More ham. All right, I got to hurry up. I gotta get down there and mash more peanuts. At some point, he's probably making a sandwich in the lab, and, like, a piece of bread fell into the. In the mortar pestle with the penis. I gotta throw this out. This batch of mortar is ruined. What is insane that he didn't come up with peanut butter? He's mashing peanuts. He forgot butter. Okay, I'm sorry. Listen, it's Black History Month. I don't know how you celebrate. He made oil. God damn it. Oh, yeah, I know. He made, like, axle grease at chip, so that's good enough. Black people don't have butter. Okay, we got. We got margarine. You do margarine. You're Mazola people. We make Peter margarine. That's just as good. All right, listen, listen, brown sugar, I didn't mean to attack your people. Yeah, but God damn it, you always attack. No, I'm just saying it's. You know, it's probably not the right month to bring this up. The closest thing we have to a black guy in the audience is this white guy with the Randy Moss. The best we can do, people. He's gonna run over a policewoman on the way home. Too soon. Okay. All right, Gina, what do we got? Well, marijuana is now legal for adults in Alaska. Yeah, Alaska is now the third US State to end prohibition of marijuana. Is it? Well, first off, how do you grow? I guess it's all hydroponic or whatever. Nothing's gonna grow in Alaska on a glacier. Sarah Palin's probably standing on her porch and disapproving right now, shaking her head. This is. Yeah, I'm looking at Russia. I'm looking at wheat grown in Alaska. This sucks. By the way, if you live in Alaska, you. As you. If you agree to raise a family in Alaska, as you enter the state, you should get a hay bale of weed. Right? Like, they should go, come on down. Here's your weed and your honorary bong shaped like Alaska. Like, thank you you for coming here and paying taxes. This is one of the places, like, where you should be able to. First off, you must really love weed. They got much bigger fish to fry in Alaska than. There's an 80% chance you're going to die on a Crab boat. Let the guy smoke some weed. No, statistically, it's true. It's. You know my. You know my fantasy, my Alaskan fantasy is I put on a yellow ATF windbreaker and a big fake mustache and I walk into any bar in Alaska and go, I'm a federal agent and I'm looking for it. And just watch everyone dive through the window, like jukebox goes zoop. You know what I mean? Everybody. Everyone just does a shoulder roll out the window bar. The guy behind the bar goes, you know what I mean? I just drink for free. All you need is a fucking yellow windbreaker with some electrician's tape that says ATF on it. You'll rule Alaska. You could walk into a Costco and go, federal agent. And everybody just go, shit, scatter like cockroaches. Yeah, you just go full Omega man. You drive a brand new Mustang right out of the dealership. You just. Federal agent. Oh, shit. Everyone's diving out of the front door, just getting a new 2015 Mustang. Just drive right into a snowbank. So you think the only reason people live in Alaska is to live off the grid? No Social Security number, the whole vibe. They aren't running from their past, they're sprinting from it. It's a shoulder roll and a full fucking. I'm on fire sprint from my past there. You don't just move to Alaska. You flee there. Nevada and Alaska are the two. Right. Flee states. You go there trying to get a fresh start. You know what I mean? Fresh start doesn't mean I ran a super successful Fortune 500 company in my previous day. Now I'm trying to get a fresh start. It's. You know, vehicular manslaughter is kind of a tricky thing. Yeah, it doesn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't call myself a murderer. Obviously. There's a couple of corpses, but it's not. Not. Don't look at myself as a murderer. My third wife would probably beg to differ. Anyway, a couple of teenage sons. One of them's the younger one speaking to me. Anyway. Where's the fishing boat? I'm really good with my hands, girls. Really good with her hands. Yeah, I can fix equipment, right? Something's broken, right? I can fix that shit. Yeah. Yeah. I fix heavy equipment in Alaska. Yeah, that's. You go. You go there. So he repaints some old ladies barn red. Yeah. I do this for you. I'm just gonna sleep in here for a while. Such a good kid. Yeah, there's still. There's a Lot of way. He animals. There's a lot of bartering. I would reckon that. That. That Alaska is like the number one barter state. Barter economy. Yeah, there's a. Yeah. I'll paint your barn if you let me. Your daughter, like, whatever. Oh, go ahead. Whatever. Yeah, whatever it is. Use quality paint. Fix detractor. Right. Your daughter, she's a virgin, for God's sakes. We're gonna find out. I'll tend to your field if I can take Stacy Oakley to the prom. Yeah, for example. Yes. Yes, that's exactly it. So good. Let them smoke their pot. Let everybody smoke their pot, and let's get on to real fucking problems. Could we already. The gays get married, the Heschers smoke your weed. And then let's focus on, I don't know, families falling apart and bridges and roads falling apart. Can we. Can we do that? Like, can we just fucking focus on something that makes a difference? Somebody in Anchorage wants to fucking cop a buzz off of some weed. I don't give a fuck. I want to know why Los Angeles doesn't have schools that are usable. That's me. I'm old. I'm old fashioned that way. I wildly. Okay, pops. I'm wildly impulsive that way. There's potholes every 10ft in Beverly Hills. Yes. Yes. All right, let's do one more. Well, I'm glad you feel that way about weed because a study just came out saying that marijuana is roughly 114 times less deadly than alcohol, according to the Journal of Scientific Reports. And by the way, of the seven drugs included in this study, alcohol was by far the deadliest at an individual level, followed by heroin, cocaine, tobacco, ecstasy, meth, and weed. Yeah, but, you know, weed never got anyone laid. That's true. I'll bet some weed dealers who disagree. Well, yeah, Talk about barter, you know? You mean the consumers? Some dude from Pineapple Express blowing you is not exactly what I had in mind. I mean, what I'm saying about booze is let's give the devil his due here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gotten a lot of us late. You know what I mean? I mean, it's a two way street. Stacy over here, I'm sure done a few things she's not too proud of. Not because of weed. You must thank Mr. Bartles and Mr. James for that evening. That's all I'm saying. You know, I mean, there's been a lot of stuff that's done. You know the thing about the thing again, that you. The reason you have to Praise booze is it gets people to do they wouldn't normally or don't want to do or don't condone doing. And you know, there's a downside to that. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I guess if I use my imagination, you can see how those powers have been used for. Yeah. Driving a school bus with special needs kids when you're blowing a.07 or something like that. But in those rare circumstances. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aside from those. Right, right, right. But I mean, when you watch. Joe, I was just watching you on the epic fail show on Fox with Terry Crews hosting. Yeah. Did a great job, by the way. Ah, thank you. There would not be any epic fail videos if there was not booze. No, there's nobody who rips a bong load and then goes, I'm gonna get that on that mechanic's creeper and put a bottle rocket up my ass. You guys hold the camera. I'm gonna see if I can beat the train over the tracks. That on weed is a non starter. Booze, it's a great idea. Brilliant. And weed, they would talk about it, pontificate about it, and then sit back down. Right. But there's no way I think I can stand up on my kids yz80 in my flip flops in this backyard that's super confined with the above ground pool. All the humor that comes from the above ground pool. I'm doing the. I'm jumping off the roof. This is all booze fuel. So we should be thanking alcohol. I think we should put our hands together for booze. You guys would not think Joe Coy was funny or Gina was attractive without. Well, no, I'm making a point. I'm make. No, you know what the spirit of this is? I don't mean to hurt, but the reason you're because of a little something called bo. So thank you very much. All right, let's bring it home. You got it. I'm Gina grad, and that's the news. That was the news on the Adam Corolla show. You're cool, right? Like, don't go home and throw up or anything. I'll. I'll be okay. Unless it's from. Unless it's from too much alcohol. Yeah, yeah. Have a couple Jaeger shots then. Then hit. Yeah, My first shot. I'll do that tonight. Yeah. All right. That's Adam Carolla Show 1519. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 2479. Gina Grad, Brian Bishop. December 2018, the 12th annual ACE Awards. This is Gina Grad's fourth year. I hope you guys enjoy. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing all your betting needs in one place. Head to Betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BET Online. BETOnline. The game starts here from the historic Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2018 ACE Awards celebrating the best of the Adam Carolla show featuring trophy girl Gina Grad and seat filler bald Brian. And now your host for this evening's ceremony, Adam Carolla. Thank you. I cannot believe we're here again. I probably say this every year or maybe I didn't do it the first year, but how many years have we done this since the radio show? We just forgive 2006. We did it straight on through. Jesus H. Everybody, thanks for another great year. Thank you. Gina Grad. Thank you. And Ball Ryan, people hate you. Will that be the drop of the year? Tune in to find out. Thank you. Lowe's@lowe's.com mbespoke post for your boxofawesome.com enteran we'll tell you about that 23andme@23andme.com m now I have to stop. I don't pinch myself, but I do have to stop myself on occasion to sort of remind myself what exactly it is we get to do here and what we are doing here. And it works, I guess with kids, it works with life, it works with traffic, it works with everything. You speed up the conveyor belt, more and more stuff's coming down it and there's less stopping, smelling the roses, appreciating, realizing just what goes on here. And my job is sort of a head on a swivel is to find out what's not working and try to fix it. Not to really savor what is working. So with that in mind, let's move on. Anything awesome will eventually become mundane if it's on a long enough scale. As I think as we get, we're knocking on the door of 10 years. I did 10 years at Loveline, everyone thinks, well, that was your career over at Loveline. The notion that we've been doing this for. We're nine weeks away from 10 years, number one. Number two, as I always said, and I hope you all have your version of this and I hope it happens a little more quickly than it did for me. But when I was sort of having a quiet moment of reflection and I was alone at the theater, I was probably building the Acme Theater. I did it over on Lankershim when it was over on NoHo. Still a theater, by the way, and they're still using it. Not Acme, but it's still a theater on Lankershim and NoHo. And I was sitting there with Sweeney, Mark Sweeney, our director, and he'd been directing me for about three years. And I sat down, tone was set with him, and I said, mark, give me an honest assessment. Like, where am I? I've been at this for about, I don't know, seven, eight years at that point. Nothing to show for it. No anything. What's your assessment? Where can I go? What should I do? And he said, you just need a show where you sit down every day and you just say whatever you want and then you get up and leave and that's what you need to do. Which essentially is like saying, buy a pegasus and fly over magical volcano where dreams come forth, you know, and it's like, it's great. It's great. Yes. I should get a job testing Snickers bars to make sure they're fresh. Yes. Okay. So he made up a job for me and we both, like, said a chuckle and a nod and he was complimenting me. He was sort of like, you talk about anything all day, every day. But there was no job that existed that fit that description. So while I wasn't crestfallen, I didn't walk away with a plan because he made up a job. The job didn't exist. It didn't exist. You have your work cut out for you. And now it does exist and it's been existing for 10 years. And we couldn't do it without you guys who listen. So thank you very much. This show is much less us and much more everyone who worked on it and put it together. The Dawsons and the Mike Lynch's and the Chris Maxapatas and all the people we need to thank. And this show's two hours minus what I just did or with what I just did on top of it. So we're going to step out of the way and we're going to attempt to get through it, starting with best impression. Oh, here we go. The nominees for best impression are. Chris D'Elia has Jean Claude Van Damme. Somebody on a Southwest flight, okay, says they're having a heart attack, okay. And they ask for a doctor, but there is no doctor on the plane. Okay. Just jcv. Okay. What do you do? Okay. You know, if a man is having a heart attack, okay. And there's no doctor around, right. What you do is you basically pick another area on his body. Mm. Kick the shit out of it so he forgets about the heart attack. Oh, it's a good idea. You can breathe. Oh, well, let's see if you're thinking about that when I kick your thigh. So like when your kid comes in and says, papa, yes. Okay, let's, let's role play. Papa, yes. I have a toothache. You might give me like a sharp shot to the liver or kidney. Take your shoes off. Uh huh. I'll stamp on them so early. Oh, you stamp on my feet 100%. Uh huh. And then all sudden the pain will go from my head down to the floor. You go, oh, my shoe. And I say, well, you forgot about your teeth. Andy Cowan as Merv Griffin. The first day I met him, I did my impression of Merv for him because I always used to do it in clubs and I didn't have the nerve to face him. So I turned around and if you can imagine, every once in a while the tongue goes through the teeth. He used to do that a lot. One of Hollywood's most handsome leading men is with us today. And one of its all time competent actors. TV fans know him as not only a classic entertainer, but also an exceptional talent. Cal Worthington is with us. Eric Bana as Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. What about Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp we would accept, sure. But wait a minute. He can't speak. He has too many scarves covering his mouth. Right? No, the problem with Johnny Depp is that he not decided which accent he wants to speak. The other thing is that he's quite often had the bill of red wine and you don't really know which version you're gonna get of Johnny Depp. It's a bit muddled. Yeah. Wow, Nice. Trying to think Orlando Bloom is on. Orlando Bloom, But I don't know that I would know what you. Well, no, it's just sort of excited. It's so sort of. Yeah, it's so. I haven't got enough hanging around my neck and bracelets to do it properly. You know, but I could with a bit of time, you know, you just gotta be enthusiastic. Do you know what I mean? Jonathan Kite as Paul Giamatti. We'll do like what they do with the lost audition tape. Yes, this is Paul Giamatti uncovering. Auditioning for John Lawless. I'll be his commissioner. I'll be your CEO, your commanding officer. Lawless, my office, now. Give me a second. I stubbed my toe. Listen, listen, I'm still down the hall. Lawless, I need you my office, stat. Hold on, I'm picking up and eating a pop tart. Lawless. I got the mayor, I got the city council, I got the da. They're all up my ass after you shot up that cafeteria. Let me tell you something. Number one, you got something better than them. You got me the number one rules guy in the world. Yeah, I don't. I don't think you get it. We have rules here. This is a professional police force. You can't just get on that hog. By the way, we have helmet laws in California. Have you seen my head? It's like a ping pong ball. I don't care. You think that's got dense, but it keeps going. You think that swinging earring is going to protect your whole head? We have helmet laws and we have rules. And I don't need you shooting up any more daycare centers. Listen, if I think the baby did it, he's going to get it. And Kyle Dunnigan as Bill Maher. I was at Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party and I ran into Bill Maher. I know he's not married and doesn't have kids. I am married and I do have kids and I really love the out of my kids. But he. He doesn't believe it. Hey, Bill. How the those little miniature people do. Oh, my kids. I'll never remember their names, but. Okay, go ahead. Yes. So my kids, who you just must hate at this point. No, they're great. Like, I had a catch with my son the other day. It was awesome. He. He has a football. It's not regulation size. It's a little bit. It's more like Pop Warner size, but we. So you love to play catch with someone who throws a ball at one mile an hour, is that right? Well, yeah, he doesn't, you know, it's not John Elway. He doesn't have a cannon for an arm. He's a. He's a little kid, you know, but it's. It's more the thought, you know what I mean? Like, it's why don't you just toss it up in the air? It would come down faster. Well, yeah, I could do that if I was alone, but what about the memories we're creating this, the bonding, you know, I don't. I don't see it, to be honest. I don't. I just don't get it. I don't believe you. Well, my daughter, I mean, she's good. Well, you have a son and a daughter. Well, they're twins. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, she's great, man. She's fun. We want people who have twins say they love them and they don't. Okay. There's no words that you feel any love for your child out of. And there is some sacrifice. Like you do have to spend some money and you have to focus on them, but you do because you love them and they love me. Both those things are incorrect. I've got to go to the punch bowl to get more booze. It's funnier when he's not in the room because you just hear Bill Maher at that point. All right, and the winner is. Kyle Dunnigan. Yes. Well deserved. Best impression 2018. Also good. I just think it's the condescending tone that just gets everyone in the end with Kyle Dunnigan. I love that. I literally saw a tweet. I won't make Max Patagon hunt for it, but I did. There was like, I don't know, 14 year olds shot up a school or something and Bill sent one out. It's like, see, like, this is why I don't have 14 year olds. Because it'll eventually, invariably. It was just. It's the funny. I get the part where you choose not to have kids, and then I get the part where I choose to have kids. But it's a weird thing to try to talk me out of the kids after the parents are here. Yeah. It's not like I run into them and go, hey, man, I knocked up my girlfriend and I'm thinking about getting an abortion. What do you. Can you weigh in? They're nine. Bill, we're moving on. Far too late to pull out. All right, let's see. Second, we have best impression. All right. We at rant of the year. Yeah. First nomination. Sorry. Oh, oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have, well, you don't have to worry if you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well and get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts, one stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam first nomination of this Rant of the Year Our first nominee for Rant of the year, harassment versus Hazing. Martin famously accused Incognito and Pouncey of physically and emotionally abusing him during his stint on the Dolphins in 2013. The players claim they were just hazing him, but the NFL conducted an investigation and ruled that Martin was harassed. So they are. There is no, there is no way to define harassment versus hazing. It is all in the eye of the beholder. There is no fucking possible way. I'm pleased. I'd like to coach up all the fucking colossal, gaping pussies in this piece of shit country we're living in. Every single thing I did to another guy fell under the textbook definition of harassment, right? It, in fact, was hazing because these were friends and we're attempting to get one over on one another. But if you want to put it in a transcript form and have some fucking pussy read it, it'll be a crime. And this has gone on forever. And describing the incident is not going to shed any light on it because you could say he came up behind him, he grabbed his man boobs from behind, or he grabbed his underwear and tried to wedge them up. They grabbed him and threw him into the shower and then started squirting shaving cream on him. And all the in the world would go, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my. That is all. All standard hazing. All of it. Too many fucking feelings. Knock it the fuck off, pussies. Too many feelings, everybody. The more feelings, the more hurt, man. I'm telling you. Everybody who thinks themselves a victim and is looking out for everyone. If I saw. Thank you. If I saw for one second that this was leading to happier college kids and happier folks in general, just better, like, better way of life. This is a result that sort of came of it. Like, hey, once we declared everyone was a victim and everyone was a victim of sexual harassment. Harassment, hazing, whatever, whatever it is, and everyone just lifted. Everyone got more upbeat, and there was a skip and everyone's up. I would go for it. I would go, you know what? Do your thing. Not for me, but do your thing. But it just makes everyone more miserable. All right, so how many more of those do we have? Do we have like six of those or something? Six total. There's a total of seven. Seven I like. They often beget other rants. We'll get a bonus rant today. You shall. All right, first, let me tell you about Craftsman. Lowe's is the new home for craftsmen, including the new V20 cordless power tool lineup. I love this stuff. I love me some Craftsman. One battery system works on a multiple product platform. You can get the. By the way, get somebody to love the tool combo kit. 2, 4, 6, or 8. They all work with the 2amp high capacity lithium battery. It works. All the tools in the V20 lineup, they got great runtime and you can get like a wireless. And by the way, it's brushless. I should say, but brushless is just a better motor. They got the brushless drill. They got the brushless impact driver, the hammer drill. It's all there. It's all made in the US of A. And it is finally back. It is Craftsman. And you can get the full lineup@lowe's.com Adam Lowes.com Adam. And check it out. All right, Song of the year is up next. We're gonna sprinkle those out too. Let's do that. Love these. Our first nominee for song of the year, the Drunk Tank. You're gonna vomit. 12 tequila shot you'll take. And yeah, I can have a bad headache and end up in rehab with Dr. Drew. This is a drunk tape. Sharpie. Penis on your face. Now slap a cop's horse on the ass. Now you're gonna end up in tiptoe Guys, this is the drunk tank alcoholics calling about falling. Look out the con of you. Right on your shoes. Wow. All good. Isn't that optional? Vernon? Charlie. Oh, yeah. Penny Marshall. She shall be missed. Timely. All right, we move on to. To best reenactment. The nominees for best reenactment are. Adam and Brian for Big Pharma. What about the Wisdom of the Orient, though, dude? Like, this could be solved herbally. Oh, right. With enough amethyst. Okay. What do I have to boil and inhale to? Well, you know, you live in a toxic environment when the toxins build up and they form tumors. Oh, my God. Okay. Now, there's a way to fix it, but you have to flush it out. Okay. You know, flush out the tuber. Sure. You were doing. What's that called? Avastin. Yeah, Avastin is a. That's. That's like medication. That's like putting more toxins into the radiator. The whole time they're telling me to turn it around. No. Who was. Who is that? Pfizer Up John. Yeah, exactly. I assume, or something. Or Genentech. Genentech. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look at it. Look at the name. You ever. Okay. Genentech. Genentech. Okay. I don't know who they are, but they're big Pharma. Yeah. Yeah. One of the biggest. Yeah. All right. Now, you know what I like? What's that? A little farm, but not big Pharma. Okay. You understand? Like a little farm you raise sunflowers on. They're spelled different. But not Big Pharma. Okay, okay, okay. Now you go to Mexico. Now you're talking. You get yourself some coffee enemas. They're not interested in profit over there. That's just science. Oh, you said I got a cleanse. You get a cleanse. Okay. Cleanse the flush. Yeah. You either go to Mexico or China. Okay. That's my two options. Well, how could. Unless you want the Wisdom of the Orient to come to you, it'd be nice, but I see what you're saying. I've got to make a trek somewhere they know, but. But they've been practicing for thousands and thousands of years, right? They don't work off of profit. Sure. This country's only 300, you know, less than 300 years old. And Big Pharma's not interested in you seeing your 40th birthday bucko so soon, too. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. This whole time I thought, they're on my side. No, you got to get a cleanse. I gotta talk to you let me set you up. Speaking of, Christy, are you looking into crystals? Oh, yeah, like healing crystals. All crystals heal. There's not like. Well, we use these crystals for industrial mining applications, you know, for our drill bits. You know, the all crystals heal crystal. Write this down. Crystals. Okay. Yeah, healing crystals. You need coffee. Mexico. I'm just making notes. I know what they mean. I read them back to myself later. Here's how I want you so coached up. You ready? Evil tech. The next time you go into a Starbucks or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or something, and the guy and you order a coffee and the guy says, how do you take it? You scream in the ass. Adam and Gina for remote control vibrator is almost like a vortex of air, so it kind of mimics cunnilingus and rips are clitoris. Oh, my God, you hurt my teeth. God. Now there's all these things where the woman wears it and can, like, walk around town with it and go to work with it. Somebody else has a remote. That's right. Church and synagogue. Yeah, those are really popular. Those are popular. You wanna try? Here we go. Gina. Yeah. I've never break it to Gina that she's being let go. Hey, Gina. Yeah. You know, we're all huge fans of yours around here. Yeah. Unfortunately, you know, cutbacks and a lot of the advertisers going over to podcasting and other forms of other media, we're gonna have to. Yeah, okay. People process information in different ways. So I understand there's part of your grieving process is going on down there. So look, and obviously, if anyone wants a recommendation or anyone asks me, hey, is Gina grad a pro? I will tell. Not that anyone's asked me. So I think it's gonna be a lot of. It's gonna be some pretty dry months for you coming up. You know, I hope you have your fares in rm and I hope you have your money set aside because the industry is basically dying in front of us, and I don't think see any gainful employment for you whatsoever. So look at it as a death sentence. But I. I know you could probably fall back on your husband's amazing income. Oh, that's right, you're single. Okay. But don't worry, you live in a rent controlled. Oh, no, that's right. You're by the beach. It's $2,700 a month every month, and some months only in 28 days. You have to pay faster. This is so disappointing. I'm gonna need you to collect your dying potted plant and your One cat. And please leave your cube. Okay, I'm going to have you escorted. I'm thinking of suing to your Subaru, which you will not be getting free anymore because you've lost your gig here at the station. I'm glad you've taken it like a hero. And I'm glad you're taking my words in the spirit in which they've been intended. Thank you. Hey, I'm good at firing people. Wow. Yeah, I should fire more people. You guys get out. I know. I'll leave with a smile on my face. And as Adam and Gina for massage. Okay, just trying to get in that scapula. How's that pressure for you? Which pressure? The pressure not to fart or the pressure not to have a boner when I flip over in 20 minutes? Oh, I was referring to your lower back. Oh, that's fine. Okay, great. The pressure to not have a boner mushroom. More pressing than your pressure's fine. Okay, the pressure. Me not full boner when I flip over or not farting when you start getting down toward the loins. Sure. That's a much greater pressure. Okay, sir, if I can have you go ahead and flip over. Oh, no, no, no. I shouldn't have said boner. By the way, you got a hole in the table for my face. How about a second hole down there for. I'm not following, sir. How about a hole in the middle of the table? One of those pans you put under the leaky transmission in the garage? Pressure off of your hip. Yeah, kind of. Sort of. Okay, I'll let them know. I'll let management. Every answer should always be the pressure not to fart and the pressure not to have a boner because that's really where the pressure. Of course, it's the pressure we're talking about as men. Right? I had no idea. Oh, yeah. Well, I like my chances in this. I think you're safe. Best reenactment. And the winner goes to. Massage. Oh, wow. That is, of course, the great Gina grad. Thank you. Truly feels like music was a big part of that. So many people think. And, yeah, was a big. That is very true. That is very, very true. Best invention. Do we do that every year? Some of the last three, at least. Have we. All right, let's do it. Best invention. You invent a lot of stuff. I guess so. The nominees for best invention are. Plastic Korean liquor store owners. Pink's husband, Carrie Hart, is trying to get in on this and do some street justice. So he's attempting to take back his neighborhood after people have apparently started looting, evacuated houses from all the California wildfires. This is becoming a big problem. Well, they need Koreans on the roof. And I found from living in Los Angeles, those are the people. Those, when you're trying to stop, they're basically our people version of that plastic owl that's trying to get rid of the seagulls. I need a plastic. Oh, plastic Korean. Scarecrow Korean. Give me a plastic Korean. I'll have like a standing one and a sitting one. I'll have a fake gun in. In their hands, and I'll just have them up there. I'll put them in whatever garb, you know, like they'd wear at the liquor store, like an orange vest or an apron or something, and just have them sit up on the. The top of the roof on the ridge. You know what I mean? Square one button. I got on the treadmill and I picked up the remote and the screen in front of the treadmill had the like no signal signal thing or Z, you know, Z transformer thing or antenna G or whatever it is. And I turn it off and turn it on three times and then like tried to hit menu or whatever. And eventually I was out of mileage and out of ideas and I never got it back to whatever. Couldn't we just have a back to reset button? Shouldn't every remote just have a. You press this button at the top, this big green button at the top, it'll just take you back to the channels. Like you'll be back at the channels. Square one button. Square that. It's just back to back to start, back to the finish, back to the start finish. Like just, just, just. You'll never. You don't know what antennas C and G. You can't move it around. There's no matter. It's always unclear of whether you're. You're hitting the right button and it's not reading it because you're holding it up and pointing it. And what do you pointing it at? There's like a little delay. The thing's blinking. Yeah, but no, there's no way back to zero. Can we have square one? Yeah. Bring it back to the beginning. Square one beats buy off. A new procedure called gains Wave zaps thousands of sound waves through a man's penis in order to improve blood flow. It's going to lead to my new product, Beats by off. Hey, where'd you get those cans? And why are they facing that direction? Don't worry about it. Prada. This is Animated Fist. The two animated fists. They Slide in. They go the exact opposite. The ones that go in your head, they go north and south and they come up from the bottom. That's right. Uber quiet. My friend Kevin Hanch got a show picked up on Net Netflix. My friend Nick Santora lives out in, like, Thousand Oaks, and he said, why don't you let me take you and Kevin to the steakhouse? Mastro's out here. Kevin said, why don't you meet me in my house? He's like, studio City area. And we'll Uber it out there because we'll have some cocktails and then we'll Uber it back. And I thought, yeah, fine. Suppose it's a long Uber ride, but it's fine. And then I started thinking, Kevin loves to talk. He loves to talk shit. I love to talk. I love to talk shit. Between the two of us, we're loud and we never stop. Yeah. And then I thought, I don't like the Uber guy sitting there the whole time. Couldn't agree more. It bumps me. What do you guys think about Uber Quiet? I just invented this. I like that they get in the car and they just take those. That ear protection you wear at the gun range. And I just go, there you go. Like, right on. Please cancel. Yes. And you go, fine. Just uber quiet. And sexual batteries. Well, Andy Dick pleaded not guilty to sexual battery on, well, last Wednesday. According to the blast, the comedian, who was not present in court, has been accused of groping a stranger's buttocks. Came up with a spirit special type of batteries made for vibrators. Sexual batteries. Sexual battery. Somewhere between a double A and A C is ACEs. Sexual battery. Specifically made for sexual devices. You gotta put duracells in your flashlight. Sexual batteries in your Fleshlight. Right. Dawson contributing, everybody. Nice button. All right, the winner, best invention. Plastic Korean. Yes. That's gonna save a lot of lives and property. Yeah, it is. Yeah. The part we. We didn't really get into is if you're out here during the LA riots, everyone was just sort of told to go in their house and locked their door. And the Koreans went onto the roof, got the 30 06, and like, bring it on Schwartz's. And they just started shooting into the streets. And I hope you're all sitting down. It was kind of effective. It made less people run up and break the window of your liquor store and light it on fire. It can do that. That happens when people get on the roof with a gun. All right, our second song of the year is up. Our second nominee for song of the year, the Jim Croce Roseanne Barr, Mel Meltdown. Mashup. Well, I know it's kind of late. God damn it. I hope I didn't wake you. What I've got to say can't wait. That's what my tweet was about. I knew you'd understand. God damn it. Every time I tried to tell you the words just came out wrong he loved you in a song I thought the was W. You know it's kind of strange Every time I'm near you God damn it. Run out of things to say oh, you'd understand God damn it. Every time I tried to tell you the words just came out wrong awesome, everybody. That's a strong nomination. Strong. Hey, Chrissy, can you take Tess in the car and drive around the block for the next 90 minutes? I just opened Gina Grad's lovely Christmas card, and I had this crazy flashback because you write like a girl. I do, which is good. It's girl. It's girl esque. Okay, flourish. When I was young, when I was, like, in high school, I was in love with Beth Ringwald, and she wrote like a girl. And she had, like, a pink. Like a. Her thing was pink. She had, like, pink stuff. Of course, she's a Ringwald. And at some point I got a card or something from her, and I, like, open it up. And it was sort of pinkish. This is reddish pinkish. But sort of Huey like Beth was. And the same kind of writing. And I just opened up. Had a weird, like, high school. Well, you know, anxiety. Well, anyone who plays football knows who played a bunch of football, like, back in the day knows that if they take their kid to the park or something, there's fresh cut grass. Just get a whiff of that grass. And it doesn't matter how old you are. You're like, back in the 10th grade and you're in high school and you're doing push ups on the grass. That's the way the memory works. So anyway, I got a boner. Merry Christmas from me and Beth. Thank. Thank you. All right, Rant. I haven't even opened the President yet, but this is all the gift I needed. Oh, that's nice. Our second rant of the year. Here it is. Our second nominee for rant of the year, Julie Chen's farewell on the Talk. Don't you have to come on your last show? The show you started? Look, here's the deal. You're with a bunch of yentas who never stops talking about having an open dialogue. An open dialogue about me, too. An open Dialogue about race. We, it's time this country had an open and honest dialogue about all the shit. They never talk about all the shit they dance around. They're the ones who scream, we need an open and honest dialogue. So now you got this gal who started the entire thing. She's, you know, the headmaster of this horrible show, and her husband, Les Moonves, is in charge of everybody's yay or nay. This guy's literally a puppet master. Again, Louis CK Is a fucked up comedian who's beating off into powdered plants, but he's not the puppet master, you know, so this guy, when we talk about speaking truth to power and all the other fucking nonsense you guys shit out on a daily basis. Here's your chance. Because this guy is running Hollywood, one of the most prestigious, powerful networks in Hollywood. And you now have a chance to have your honest dialogue that you don't want to have. You never wanted to have it. You never even came close to having it. But here's your chance. So what do we do? Prepared statement in a videotape that they pre roll before the show or after show? Fucking chicken shit. Cop out. And why aren't the other girls outraged? Because we're gonna have a real dialogue. It shows contempt for the audience. And the best. Of course. Yeah. And the best part, nonsense. And look, I don't mind the part we're all liars and you're all hammering paychecks. I don't mind that part. I mind the part where you simultaneously try to be heroes and change. You know, we're gonna have an honest dialogue now. I'm not gonna say, give my paycheck. I'm going home to cower. You stop making all the proclamations and I don't give a. But if this is, oh, we're here to have an honest talk and you never know what you're gonna hear. And we, we'll say anything. And we can be, you know, this is not going to be politically correct. Good, then come on the show. She can't come on the show because she comes on the show. Somebody's going to have to ask her a question. Right? She doesn't want to answer those questions. They don't want to answer those questions. They don't want to deal with those questions. So fine, but at least let it be known this part where you want to have an honest dialogue and it's time we have a real honest dialogue in this country about is all full of shit. Other than that, I have no opinions. Go ahead, Brian. Wow. Inspiring, passionate, all right. So much show to go. Best PSA and Best Interview. Best More Rant of the Year More Song of the Year Caller of the Year. So much out there. All right, we will take a quick break. When we come back, Best psa, Best Interview and Caller of the Year right after this. Corolla Drinks invites you to a very class massey event in 2019, the 10e booze and book Club with me, Mike Dawson. Some have said they'd pay me to read the phone book, so get your tickets now to hear me read chapters from left of boom. January 8th with CIA Special Agent Douglas Laux Ghost February 7th with FBI Undercover Agent Michael R. McGowan up on Game March 7th with former bank robber Richard Stanley the Miracle Man April 2nd with Minister, Singer, songwriter and author Buck storm the pact May 9 with former Army Green Beret combat medic Sgt. Robert Patrick Lewis mistrial June 7 with attorney Mark Garrigus. Each event will feature a live reading with me followed by a question and answer period with each author and a reception with a man gr a signature cocktail. Buy the entire series and get six shows for the price of five. For tickets, follow at Corolla Drinks and at DosAngelas. Tickets also available at 10e in downtown Los Angeles or email Dawson@AdamCorola.com Corolla Drinks presents the 10e Booze and Book Club Get It on in 2019 Foreign 2018 saw major social upheaval with the MeToo movement, the March for our lives after the Parkland shooting, and record turnout in the midterm elections. In this important time in our nation's history, the Adam Carolla show has done its part for social justice in the form of public service announcements. Before honoring this year's nominees, let's listen to some of the crucial information shared this year as we look back at the more, you know, turns out air and people don't mix. Halloween is the bustiest of all holidays. It sure is. Because it's in the shape of a bagel, it doesn't mean it's a bagel. Nothing pounds the anus like a rodeo. A bra and panties is basically a bikini. If it feels good, do it. If it tastes good, chew it. I'd be a horrible mime because I like to talk and I hate makeup. As I understand it, you don't correct Satan. The more loose sight cases you have in your house, the better. If it's silent but deadly, then I appreciate the fart Pedophile that's in your hands. Racism that's in your heart. Hey, you know what's kind of brutal. What? Rape. Set up the ladder because you matter. And then the music. The music is played because when the green flag drops, the bullshit stop. It's not like anyone encountered a noid. It's all oral sex. Women love oral sex. Everybody wants something out of life. And that sounds too basic. Good night, everybody. Nobody likes preaching more than me. You don't just kill one prostitute. You. That. That. That's a lifestyle. Yes. Anally. I would know. I'm an anal expert and I know everything. Anally. The more you know, the more you know. Look, you get, the more you know. Wow. Learned a lot. Best psa, everybody. No, no. Oh, wait. Oh, sorry, sorry. I screwed that one up. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Champagne is speaking. Sorry. That was the best. No, no. Oh. Oh, that was just a montage of. Oh, we're not doing. Before we announce the nominees for Best psa. Oh, we looked back at. Oh, it says announce winner on the thing, but that's. Yeah, that was the bump in. Oh, okay. Sorry. All right, moving on. And first, let me move on to Gina Grad. Gina Grad. I just opened the gift. So first, she got me a card I can beat off to. Secondly, I was going to say, more importantly, but not as importantly, she got me gloves. And she got me gloves. Sweet pea, please hear me roar. I got a new house. It's down the street, and I've been working on it every morning and throughout the day. But where I am in La Canada, it is fucking freezing in the morning. It is in the 40s in the morning. And I'm going over the house and I'm walking around and I'm trying to put on a pair of gloves and walk around. My hands are freezing. And then I'm also trying to use my phone, and I'm trying to do stuff on my phone while I'm walking around, and I'm finding myself taking my gloves off constantly. I'm walking Phil at night. It's where I live. It is Foothill super cold at night. I'm taking Phil out for a walk, and I find myself taking my glove off all the time, calling someone and then putting my glove back on. And two nights ago, I went, I should invent a glove where you could use your phone through your glove, if only. And then I paused and went, everyone's had that thought, so thus they must exist. And then I had that thought, where I gotta find a pair of that gloves. We're here for you. Like the Jews say, never again. And Gina Grant got me the glider gloves. I'm glad you like it. I swear to God I was thinking about it. I was not thinking about a magnetic wristband. Well, because I know you're working on the cars and you're the house and maybe you're gonna, you know, you don't wanna lose your little screws and nails. No, that's good. That's very strong, very powerful. Practical. I tried to be as practical as humanly possible. So good. No ornaments right in the middle of everything. So God bless you. All right, what do we got, Max? Apada. What's next? Let's see. This is best psa. Oh, this is the best. The more you knows that we did. Oh, okay. Sorry. Best psa. The nominees for best public service announcements are. Colonoscopy. I've been sitting next to Dr. Drew as a big champion for this stuff for a long time and is talking about getting screened and, and I spoke to him this morning and he wanted me to do a, you know, PSA for it. And I shall. But I'll, I'll tell you a couple of, a couple of thoughts. You can do it right now. Hey, this is Adam. Secure with my anus Corolla. You know, they say it's a one way street, but turns out there's a cul de sac right by the actual sack. And you can turn it around and you can back that scope right up there because you want to know what's going on on that one way street. A couple of gypsies move in and pitch a tent on a lawn like a tumor. You're gonna want to know about that. The key to the homeless gypsy problem is you got to get to it early and often. Otherwise you end up like a downtown la. So you want to walk, walk your kid to school through the cul de sac of your and step in the dookie of life. Don't just take the exit on the Hershey highway. That's right. Sanctuary cities for homeless toilets. Every a lot of toilets out there, six minutes somebody replaces their toilet. Yeah, they need rest. For a newer model with the uses less water. We pan across shivering toilets, a blue tear drips down. And where do those toilets go to new homes? I don't think so. With the price of new toilets being less than 100 bucks and the water savings in the first year alone, there's no place, there's no repurposing of those toilets. Forgotten, neglected. One of the toilet has a chip in it and no top to the tank. Yes, yes, damage toilet. But they're still good. So where shall they go? The landfill. Where shall they go? The dump? Where should they go? To the island of misfit toys? No. You bring them to the sanctuary Toilet Cities. Los Angeles, San Francisco, God willing, Austin and parts of Massachusetts and Boston. All around this great country of ours, we're having sanctuary Sanctuary Toilet Cities. Los Angeles, the number one sanctuary toilet city. So any toilet. Hold your lid up. You will not be turned back. You'll not be turned away. You'll not be flushed from society. And Restless Cock Syndrome. I thought I was the only one. I told myself I was in control. It was constant, unrelenting. I felt trapped, helpless. I just can't make it stop. I tried pills and drugs, but that only made it worse. My name is Kaylin Dylan. Matt Dawson. Gary. Chris. And I suffer from. I suffer from. I suffer from. I suffer from. I suffer from rcs. Restless Cock Syndrome. People think RCS is a joke. They laugh when they hear what it stands for. What they don't hear is the crying I do at night, knowing tomorrow will be another waking nightmare. I can't live like this anymore. But now I know there's help. Hi, I'm Dr. Drew, and I've helped countless men who have suffered from rcs. Restless Cox Syndrome. It's not a joke. It is a serious condition that affects 3.8 billion men, and they suffer each and every day. You are not alone. You are not a monster. Call your doctor now and set up help. You can get it to stop. You can tell it. No. You can take back control. Get help today. Wow. Wow. I'm rooting for rcs. All right, let's pull it out. And the winner is rcs. Restless Cox Syndrome, everybody. Yeah, it's important, especially when you hear, I don't know the world's population, but at 3.8 billion, that feel like almost half of the population, meaning almost. Almost all men. It dwarfs cancer and AIDS and everything put together. Yeah, watch the dwarf talk when you're talking about my cock. Oh, sorry about that. All right, Rant of the year. Should we do a little number three? Number three, our third nominee for rant of the year. Demonizing the rich. Part of my big picture here with us, turning everyone who can't figure out a fucking way to make money into heroes and people who make money into villains, which why drives me nuts. Like, I hated when Obama was going, hey, if you start a business, you didn't do that alone. You didn't. You had teachers, you had roads. Fuck that. Our road suck. And every teacher I had with fucking horrible. Mr. Walters put me in the donkey squat. Stop demeaning what successful people do. Because when you spite of them. Yes, when you take people and you take this, hey, Richie, it's a class thing. It's a class warfare thing. No, everyone's involved. You can say, oh, it doesn't affect me, or doesn't affect the airlines. Everything affects everyone. All the time. It's in the air. Nobody wants to say, hey, loser, in the back, take your fucking free Santa Anita fucking clutch and drag it to your loser seat in the back there. Because rich whitey needs. He's already paid for this. His daddy paid for this. He took a silver spoon out of his mouth and said, dad, chop, chop, get Jeeves to buy me a first class ticket. And that's what happened. So nobody use the space. Maybe you won't. Nobody wants to get into that because it's this big old thing. It's in the air. It's in the air now. And that's why you can go into the airport and be verbally abused by these horrible fucking low wage bitches who work at lax. That's why they can talk down to you. And that's why when you get on the airplane in first class, this stewardess is not going to tell anyone to do anything. Because we've turned everyone who makes less than 40 grand a year into a fucking hero. And we turned everyone who's rich into the enemy. And part of the problem, who don't pay their fair share of taxes. So we did it to ourselves. And I've been fighting against this my entire adult life. I've been saying, literally, a millionaire since you met me, Brian. Before I met you. Because my idea, my thing is, fuck you, I earned my money. I bought my first class dick. Now instead of deciding I'm the villain or I'm part of the problem, how about you get your shit together? How about you spend your first $5 on a fucking mirror and stare into it? Because that's what's going on. And the politicians are in on it right and left. Everyone's turning everyone into some sort of fucking John Cougar Mellencamp folk hero. The farm's gonna be foreclosed on by the bank. Yeah, because you fucking made a deal with the bank and you're not paying them dick. How do you argue with that? It is true. The bank doesn't really have jurisdiction over your farm unless you borrow money from them first. I just like the idea that the bank just comes in willy nilly. All right, let's see. So much more to go we have, we're not even halfway through. Best interview. I have no, I was here for that, I assume. And I have no thoughts about who it could be. I don't know. It could be Brian. It could be when we interviewed Michael Biehn. That was really good. Yes, I doubt it. The interview is typically phone, right? And no, no interview is a compelling interview from a guest. All right, very good. I like, like Gordon Ramsay the other day was pretty, pretty damn awesome. But on the other hand, who the hell knows? All right, we'll get to that in one second. First. All right, Best interview. Here we go. The nominees for interview of the year are Three Dog Nights. Chuck Negron. I knew I was in trouble when I was taking care of my kids at my ex wife's house because she was on the road with Greg Ahmed. And then she comes home with Greg Ahman. And I'm there watching the kids, sleeping on the couch. And they're in, you know, my ex wife. So Greg walks in the living room and he looks at me and goes, man, you're really bad. Greg Almond's telling me I'm really bad. I was so upset that I waited till I went to sleep and I went in the room, I stole his watch and all his money. And the next day he said, where's my stuff? And, you know, I said, I don't know, you know. Anyway, we almost got into it, but. But we didn't because I was so sick. Years later when I got, when I got clean, I bought him the greatest watch. And on the back I said, for the one I stole from you. Oh my God, that's awesome. And he wore it all the time. When you're a Heroin Addict for 20 years and you've been through 37 rehabs for 13 years and you weigh 126 pounds and you have 15 teeth left and all of a sudden you're in a place and you wake up and you don't no longer want to use drugs. It just a prayer and an answer and the let me die or please stop this obsession. And it ended. And I knew that I was never going to put my myself in a situation that I would ever go back. And three dog night was a bad situation. Dr. Jordan Peterson. When did everything become sort of politicized? And why are so many people arguing with you when you state what is? Well, because people like to. To view the world through a very simple lens. They think, well, if there's any area where every single conceivable category of person isn't represented in exactly the same proportions. Then there must be something corrupt about the system. Well, it's like, well, there is something corrupt about systems, right? Because there is some racism and there is some sexism and all of that. There's. There's. People make bad decisions for selection all the time. But that doesn't mean that the system is fundamentally corrupt. But you have to think those things through very carefully, and you have to look at the multiple reasons why there might be differences in outcome, but it's too complicated. And then there's also the resentment. You know, we've developed a culture where it's virtuous to be resentful, to say things like, well, you know, Western culture is nothing but a tyrannical patriarchy. And all the people who are successful are there only because they're tyrannical and power hungry, which, of course, no one really believes. It's resentment, a huge part of its resentment and confusion. So there's lots of. How much of it is wanting to not be ostracized? I mean, James, is it Timore? Yeah. And he stated his opinion and. And he got canned. Yeah. Oh, well, there's a price to be paid for that. And we're. We're in Hollywood. You start talking a certain way, you're to. You're going to lose some jobs. Y. Yeah, well, there's ways of dealing with that. Like, one thing I've learned in the last 16 months is, well, first of all, be careful with what you say. But I am careful with what I say. But then, having said what you say, if you believe it is, don't apologize. You cannot apologize to a mob. Maria Menounos. So you had brain surgery? Yep. At some point, the same symptoms were getting so much worse, and I went to the doctor for a physical. And as I started saying all the symptoms, at first I thought I had an ear infection because I was having extreme pain in my ear. And he's like, you don't have an ear infection. What are your other symptoms? I'm like, well, my vision's kind of getting blurry, getting really bad headaches, slurring my speech. And then I was like, oh, no. He goes, what? I go, I know you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I think I have a brain tumor like my mom. He's like, I don't think you're crazy, but I don't like the symptoms. Let's get an mri. And then I got an MRI and found out that I had a brain tumor. What was your feeling? Was your feeling like woe? Is me, or I'm gonna end up going down the road with my mom or I'm gonna beat this. Or where were you with this? I instantly was kind of like, holy shit, I'm never gonna work again. And so I called my lawyer and I was like, what do I do if I tell people? They'll never hire me again. Holy shit. And he was like, just keep this one close to the vest. I know you like to tell people a lot and you're very open, but just keep this one close to the vest. It's like, aye, aye, captain. Okay. And then after that, I was like, oh, my God, how am I gonna take care of my mom if I'm down? And then the third thing I thought of was, I'm so tired of life, that if this is it. Halla Luya. I'm so tired. Wow. Beat up in this business, that I truly, truthfully did not care. It. I think it's been. It's been a really rough journey underneath all the Disney princess vibes, because I am a super positive, happy person generally. And so I just take the beating and keep moving forward. That's why Rocky's quote is my number one quote. To get through life, it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take. And so I can take a lot, but. But eventually I got a brain tumor. And so, you know, at what point was it all worth it? I don't know. And so the hard thing is, is talking about this without sounding ungrateful, because I'm also very grateful for all the opportunities I've had. David Crosby, you go to prison for a year. There is no program, no rehab, no anything. They didn't have a. There weren't even AA meetings. Every prison in the world's got AA meetings now. The first nights, days and nights must have just been agonizing. I mean, look, you could have died. I mean, Dr. Drew tells me all the time you can die just. Just. Just coming off it, just going through withdrawals, very, very, very hard. And if they just lock you in a steel box and laugh at you, you don't get any help. I've often kind of thought that maybe not a year, maybe six months, but this upon me, I always thought, I'd like to just be locked up for six months. I would write a. I'd write a good book or something. No, you're too busy throwing up. Were you able to write? Were you able to create? Was there a talent Show. There's a fascinating thing. Yes, David's turn. Yes, yes. On all of those. How many Rosemary? So, well, there's, there's interesting stuff I was able to write. And here's the thing that's fascinating thing about drugs and creativity. We all thought the drugs were increasing our creativity. The more drugs I did, the less creating I did. Until I stopped writing completely. Then I quit in prison, woke up, remembered who I was and started writing again. Which leaves me with only one possible conclusion, which is that the drugs were fucking ate up monstrously. And that when I quit them, I returned to being this guy that you're talking to right here who likes to write music. Wow, that is tough. My dad and mom originally wanted me to go to school and be a doctor. That's what they wanted. And I was a pre med student when my dad got this 50 year sentence. And then Joe Colombo, who was the boss of our family at that time, he kind of took me under his wing. I started to meet a lot of my dad's friends and they highly influenced me and said, if your father, you know, doesn't get out of jail, he's going to die in prison. Because he was 50 when he went in, had 50 on top of that, just like a death sentence. So kind of influenced me. I went and met him in the visiting room, 11 ward penitentiary, and told him, I'm not going to school anymore, I got to help you out. And, you know, we had a little disagreement over that. But finally he kind of gave in. He said, okay, if you're going to be on the street, I want you on the street. The right way, in his mind, the right way was to become a member of his life. So he went ahead and proposed me into the life because you can't just go and say, I'd like to join. Somebody has to vouch for you, propose you. So you got what it takes to become a member. So that's how it started. And I was 22 years old after dad proposed me. Two weeks later, a captain in the family picked me up, took me to see the boss and Joe Colombo had been shot, seriously wounded, eventually died from the wounds. A new boss took over. Who's passed on now, and he said, mike, I got a message from your father. He said, you want to become a member? Here's the deal. From now on, 24 7, you're on call to serve this family, the Colombo family. That means if your mother is sick and she's dying and you're at her bedside and we call you to Service. You leave your mother, you come and serve us. From now on, we're number one in your life before anything and everything. And when we feel you deserve or earn this privilege to become a member, we'll let you know. Right after that, I'm told, you know, put on a suit and be here every day and do whatever you're told to do. Now what, what might that mean? Drive the boss to a meeting, sit in the car for four or five hours. God forbid you leave before he comes out to go to the restroom, get a newspaper, you're in trouble. I know, I did that once. You know, you had a meeting at 8:00, you weren't there at 7:30, you were late. If you had any kind of score you could make at any point in time, you put it on record with your captain and you bring it in. If you're making any money, you do that. And you know, quite honestly, Adam, you know that, that life is, is violent at times. And if you're called upon to do a violent act, you gotta do it. And that's it. Now I can jump in. Compelling year. Yeah, it's funny, I think back, like, who was on this show? All right, I have no idea. I have no idea. David Crosby, everybody. Yeah, he was great. And we talked a little bit after the show as well about the whole organ donation thing. The great David Crosby, Stills and Nash. All right, another offering. Number four, Rant of the year. Our fourth nominee for rant of the year. Gender neutrality. This notion of like, you know, the, the stand up comedians with the butch haircuts and the A cops are like, when I was 13, everyone thought I was a boy. Yes, because you look like a boy. And we don't care that much. And we're trying to. We don't know how to start the fucking sentence. Please, I know you. You're injured and wounded and everyone owes you a apology for that. But that's just people like moving on, trying to get the, on with their life. If you grow your hair long and your K. Dotson's son, you know, when he was 6, had long blonde hair, like down his ass, and the people's like, oh, little girl, I'm a boy. Okay, so shoot me. Jesus Christ, you have no titties and hair down your waste like, what, what do you want me to do? And by the way, what does it mean? The guy behind the counter thought you were girl. Hello, little girl. Would you like a lollipop? What, what do we think of him? They throw him out on some devil's island. Put him in a hole. Like, who cares? It's, it's. But it's the height of narcissism too, to do that. Hey, this is a. All this gender neutral nonsense. It's not progress. They, this is just super annoying. Fucking people who live to correct. They want to correct you when it comes to how to spell things. You notice, you know what the underlying thing is. Correction. It's all correction. They want to correct everybody. They want to. They want to. Oh, yeah, I've been, I've seen the news. I've seen the story about Iran. Iran. Like everything is correction, correction, correction. All they want to do is correct. It's the, it's the academic world. They just fucking stand in front of a class full of people and they just correct them all fucking day. It's a weird thing. I'm gonna go out and if I need to cause the correction, I'll do it. Here's what I'll do. I'll take my son, I'll tell him to never cut his hair. He'll get his hair down his waist. He's seven years old. No one can tell the difference. I'll put him in some gender neutral hot pants pants I'll throw, push him out in his gauchos and espadrilles and then in a tube top. And then when someone goes, oh, hi, little girl. I get to correct now. I get to correct everybody. Look out. Yeah, we're funny. Competition's heating up. I've never agreed with one man more. All right. That guy knows his stuff. So stupid. Because I sit there and listen to me going, that guy's right. That's how I think. He should have his own show. So he's got to record that shit. He's thinking like that. That's how I talking, like how I think. I just. I'm not brave enough to say it. I can't put it all right. I feel bad for that guy when he goes around his friends. Number three, Song of the year. Our third nominee for song of the year. Language of losers. Hello, Dylan, lackey friend. It's going to rant at you again because you up nearly every day. You can't seem to get out of your own way. And the bio, that is one far from perfect. You triple checked. This is the language of losers. Don't worry, Dylan. It's not just you mad and Gary fuck up too. Look through the window of negligence. Purple. No one there is doing Adam's best. And when Gary takes off a week for his half birthday, that Is the way to hear the language of losers. And through his childhood, Adam saw check down dad and depressed mom. Parents who did no parenting. Dirty lawn home. That was embarrassing. Fluffy buddies like Ozzy and Ray borrowing cash they won't pay back. This is the love language of losers. Wow. Jesus. Yeah, it was Harmony. Thanks. Harmony's been tight, man, I gotta tell you. Obviously, always lynch involved in Dick Banks, but that thing better win. Man, that was goddamn strong. You forget about just how good some of this stuff is. Got to repurpose some of these songs. Yeah, they go once, maybe twice. We're going. Yeah, I agree. We always talk about. We always talk about. We're going to do that this year. We're going to do it this year. All right, moving on. Caller of the Year. The nominees for Caller of the Year are. Bernie. Ironically named Bernie. Yeah, right. I asked my mom yesterday why we haven't changed the batteries in the smoke detectors. And she said, well, the first one just doesn't work. It doesn't matter. If you put batteries in it, it'll eat up the power and it'll start chirping again. And I said, okay, what about the ones in my room? And she's like, well, when you buy batteries, then I'll put them in. Damn. Call your parents into the den and go, now listen, we have two smoke detectors and the barrier to having them being functional, One trip to Home Depot with $10 or less in our pocket. And I'm recording this because I want to play it to a therapist later on, okay? Because I feel like I talk to a therapist and they go, oh, come on, no one's that bad. But in this particular case, I'm going to have digital, pretty accurate proof of how fucking horrible you are. Possibly child protective services for my kid brother. So can we do that? And may this recording just. Just remain with us within this home, or do I have to bring it outside the goddamn house? Could you do that, Bernie? Yeah. Hey, you're into cosplay, right? Yeah. So why don't you also announce that I'm gonna play the part of a daughter who lives at the home. You two play the part of fucking parents who give a shit and are halfway Jacob. So, Jacob, it says international gay porn star Republican and comes from a small town, so he's infamous in his local circle. They know who you are? Oh, absolutely. It makes. It makes things like Grindr really difficult because everybody wants you to share a picture, obviously. Just send them a picture. And they think you're fake. Oh, yeah. Because you know, they Know me from the Internet. They're like, oh, there's no way he's from here. What makes it impossible to get laid? What percentage? The gay. The gay Republican porn stars lament so hard to get laid. How's it politically being a Republican on that. That set? I know. Maybe the fella that's doing the porn with you doesn't judge, but I bet the director's got some thoughts when you're wearing nothing but a maga hat. A lot of the directors. A lot of the directors are okay with it. It's more the other guys in the industry, like Twitter. I've really got to be careful what I post on Twitter because I just get roasted. All the gay porn blogs write about me being a racist, white all, you know, everything a Trump supporter is. I have to be. So it's awful. I'm infamous in the gay porn industry. I go to the award shows. Everybody's whispering, talking. Nobody likes. Likes me. So, wow. Kind of the black feet. Jacob, based on your. Your. How you're viewed with your political leanings, do you feel more pressure to perform with men of color? Yeah. To sort of prove or compensate or whatever. Like, hey, I'm cool. Thinking of black sheep. I have done. I have done a few things with guys of different races and stuff. And what's funny is they'll always review my scenes, the blogs and stuff like that, and talk smack about me and all that. But they never say anything about the scenes with people of color. Not a word. Well, doesn't support their agenda. Yeah, exactly. Melody, were you on the man show? I was indeed. Oh, my heavens. You mean you don't remember? I. I'm heartbroken. Who's this? Agnes Moorehead? It does sound like Agnes Moorhead, lovey. No, I don't sound like Agnes Moorhead because she sounds a lot deader than I do at the moment. She is. But yeah, yeah, I was on the man show. Do you remember a segment called. Was it the Women of Uglyville? Allegedly, as I recall, a village that was established by Hillary Clinton full of the ugliest broads on the planet as a hunt for wayward husbands. Some guys are just obsessed with Hillary. Can't get over it. Which one of you. Melody. So we know which one to look for? Well, I show up a couple of times, but you'll see a waitress bowing into frame with a horrible grin on her face. And it was probably the most fun audition I ever went to because I got a chance to really look absolutely lousy. I walked in looking like 10 miles of bad road and got the job. Normally she's nine, but Michael Rapaport. So about an hour into the flight, everybody except for myself was sleeping. I was sitting on the aisle bulkhead seat. So I could see the plane door wasn't in the exit door. It was the actual plane door in the front of the plane. And the guy next to me was dead sleep, but he for some reason woke up and he goes, rap, rap. Look, you could see he was pushing on the exit door. I said, what the fuck are you doing? And he had two hands on the door. So I put my hand on the door and he moved his hand and then I said, what the fuck are you doing? And he goes to reach for the door again. And he's a small guy, so I didn't like push him, but I like sort of scared him against the wall. And I was, and then I said again, what the fuck are you doing? The flight attendants got up there and they're like, what is going on? What is going on? He's fucking with the door. He's going for the door. And you know, it's the front of the plane. It's a small area. There's literally now like 12 men up there. People from Fox Sports came up there because they heard me screaming and it was scary. Did you get a free voucher for like a local flight or some free booze or an upgrade? Let me tell you something. Let me tell you, let me tell you something. And I'm glad you, you brought that up. I haven't gotten a free flight. Okay. I, I didn't want any free booze. I, I, I, I have been given the moniker hero. Some are saying. International hero, I heard you say a few minutes ago. Yeah, that's it. I'm just going off of, you know, some of the stuff I'm hearing. National hero. Then they're saying international. Sure. They're discussing keys to the city. Well, they're not quite sure what. Yeah, gotta figure that out. I have been called by people I don't know, twice hero. A lot of heroes, like the guy who killed bin Laden and, and people like that, they're reluctant sky heroes. That's not the kind of hero I am. Yeah, I am going to embrace and squeeze every ounce of this juice until the cows come home. If you thought Michael Rapaport would be the humble type of hero, think again. And Taylor. So when I was a freshman in high school, I was dating a girl. And then probably about two or three months we were dating. I ended up starting to hook up with guys, and one of them started blabbing all the way to everyone at school about it. The guys. The guy. One of the guys, yeah. One of the guys. Yes. It was a couple guys. Can I say this? You know, this may just be sour milk or whatever they call spoiled grapes or sour grapes, spoiled milk or something, but when I was a freshman in high school, I was beating off to a chick on a rat draft box and looking over my shoulder for my stepmom. I wasn't like, well, hey, I was with this chick for a while, and I got this other dude and I went back to this chick. Not the same chick. Like, what? Is it important in, like, the gay community to, like, find your match? Yeah. Compatible, like, sexually? Well, it depends on the person. I probably wouldn't go out with another topic just because. What's the point, right? But. But, I mean, some people might. And they're like, oh, we'll go find a third person. Oh, there's always a workaround and a reach around. I like that. That's problem solving. Wow. All right, here we go. Caller of the year, Michael Rapaport, everybody. Well deserved. He's a hero. I'll be getting that ACE Award in the mail. Post haste. Moving ahead to our fifth offering. Rant of the Year. Our fifth nominee for Rant of the Year, front license plate. If I gotta fix a ticket, I would put the paper. I put the metal plate on it, which is in the trunk. I would send Matt or whoever to go fix it. The sheriff's house. And when he got back, I'd get a new paper plate and put it right back on the car. That's what everyone needs to do. You. This city's such a piece of. The cops are out there. They're just glorified. All the. They're. They're merchants that are just haggling for change. All they do. Look, you. You guys don't do. Look, anyone out here has been hit, run by an illegal, been pulled over, pulled over, hit, been evicted. I. I know. I talked to my lawyer. Tell me he had a legal. No license, no. No insurance. Stop in front of him. They're suing for. He's lawyered up and they're suing him for 2 million bucks. And they can't bring in to court the fact that the person had no license, has no insurance, and is here illegally. Awesome Utopia. Fuck you. If you're not gonna prosecute that person, then you with your plates. You. It's on. Just everybody do it. If you just do it, they can't do about it. You. The two greatest moments of my life. One is turning that Audi in with the paper plates on it back to the dealer. Three years of you and the better was going. I was driving through Santa Monica. I was driving down Wilshire Boulevard. I saw Puss on a cop bike coming at me, doing nothing but fucking riding tickets all day in Santa Monica. Homeless up the wazoo. Who gives a fuck? Let's focus on the taxpayers. This guy's coming right at me. He's on a cop bike. I'm just kind of riding solo. He's kind of coming solo. And I see this guy and he's looking at me, and he looks at my front bumper and he sees no license plate on there. And then the fucking pussy coward on the cop bike does a U turn, nice and dangerous on a bike right in the middle of Wilshire, pulls up behind me, sees I have the dealer plate on, and peels off to go fucking extract money from another citizen. Fuck you. You know where my plates were? In the fucking trunk, you pussy. And they've been in there for two years. Fuck you. Punctuated with a maniacal laugh. I should do that with everything. I got to do that around my kids when they're sleeping. All right, well, take ourselves a quick break. First we will let you hear some previously awarded winners of the Daytime ACE Awards. At a ceremony held earlier this month, Daytime ACE Awards were handed out in the following categories. Most awkward moment with a now dead celebrity. So, Bert, it's one of my favorite movies as well. I think you're amazing in it. And I just heard a rumor that you weren't proud of it or happy about being in it, but that was just a rumor and I don't know. But now we can figure that out. Do you have feelings about Boogie Nights? I like very much the first scene where. Which I did and all that. That's why I did it. But it was a subject matter that I wasn't thrilled with. So. Just for sex industry. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it. It. It. It offended your delicate sensibilities. No, don't do that. If you're gonna do that kind of shit with me, I could kill you. I don't doubt it. It'd be a good story. I think. I think my wife is. Kids would understand if there's like good news and bad news. Your husband's dead. All right, what's the. What's the good news? Burt Reynolds killed him. Mike Dawson for Outstanding Achievement in Musical Criticism. All right, so pretty straightforward hip hop, but I get it. But it's still the other guy doing half the work or maybe more. It has a very, like, diggable Planets de La Soul, Tribe Called Quest. This is kind of my Beach Boy argument, which is that was another guy doing half your rap song who sounded better. Well, this next song is awesome. You might not like it for the same reason this next song. We're not finished with this song. First, I think it's three notes, and they're repeating the fourth over. And I was going, where is it going to go? Where is it going to go? If they make some kind of change here, maybe it scores it some points. The level of dissonance, the. The notes that were played when the song changed were just abrasive. It just hurt your ear. Sure it went somewhere, but. Ow. Interesting that you say that. Dawson and Mike Dawson for outstanding Achievement in guacamole criticism. It's all good. It's all good. Everyone's a winner. So we're supposed to. We're supposed to give a score? Yeah. 0 through 10. 0. Can we just be honest and say it's 5 through 10? No one's given any of these below 5, right? Yeah, it's very nice. I got one below 5. He's prepping for Saturday. Adam Duritz for outstanding Drop Crew criticism. My son is going to a basketball tournament in Vegas. I just hear you have the cash register thing there. It's like, we're going to Vegas. Oh, How. What? When are you leaving? I'm leaving Wednesday. When? When are you coming back? Not till Sunday night. Oh. Are you driving out? No, we're flying. You know, that's literally. I thought slot machine sound. It's like he's winning my money every time it says that. You're right. I think you want the play. The sound of losing money. Adam, you want to take over this machine? No, no, no. Just look at. Just a suggestion. Least romantic moment. Hey, Travis. How are you? Good. Who's your gal pal over there? This is Mizuki, my girlfriend. Mizuki. I rode one up those when I was 19. Man. Easy. That was one of the most reliable bikes I ever had, man, that Mizuki.404. 4 into 1, pipe disc in the front, drum in the rear. Sweet. Drum in the rear. For sure. It was. You know, I don't like where this is headed. I don't like where this. It didn't have a lot of low. Low end, but once you wound that thing up, it pulled hard. We've been together for three years now. Three years? Yes. And she's been not begging, but I've been waiting for the perfect time. And I wanted to do something special. Sure. And I wanted other people to be involved again. So. Mizuki. Oh. I'm the happiest person in the world when I'm with you. Oh, my God. She's nodding and crying. She's crying. Nice. Oh, that's beautiful. Awesome. Oh, look at them. I love it. She said maybe it's possible. Oh, my God. I give it nine months and best unused jokes from a real awards show. I thought I could just give you the ones from the Cold open. The old timey black and white cold Open from the Oscars. For anyone who didn't see it, it was just sort of 1920s newsreel people arriving. There's this person. There's that person. Black and white. There's Emma Stone. Emma's a beautiful young girl with alabaster skin and eyes that look like somebody surprised her on the toilet. That didn't make it. It's funny. Gary Oldman left Churchill's bunker to join us at the Oscars tonight. Nowadays, a man leaves his bunker, it means he's a white supremacist who's out of beans. There's Daniel Day Lewis from Ireland. And Gary Oldman from merry old England. And here's Margot Robbie from Australia. Finally sat immigrants. The President can be proud of Emily Blunt. Fun fact, blunt is a slang word for a marijuana cigarette. And there's Timothee Chalamet. He was fabulous in Call Me by youy Name. Fun fact, a cigarette in England is known as a what? Why not? Well, I love old, tiny, fondant, old timey Fondelier. At a private ceremony held earlier this month, the ncaa, the National Conference of Athletic Ace Awards, gave out honors in the following sports categories. Best Cornerman and Corner Woman. Oh, my God. 52 degrees. Get him out. Get him out. Give him his towel. Give him his towel. Get his towel. Ren for him. Ow. You guys, seriously. Most dominant victory, leaving Gina Grad with the silver at 21 and final score. Oh, he's gonna become so more incorrigible. Ah. Minus 16, the new record for the Rotten Tomatoes game. Congratulations. Wow. Most surprising victory, leaving us with the one and only Dennis Miller at 49. Congratulations, Dennis Miller. You have won the Rotten Tomatoes game. Dennis, if you die in your sleep tonight, you could die in peace. No one else will give a shit about this but you. I feel like I won the National Spelling Bee. I'm dying. Best prank by a mixed martial artist. Kia, always good to talk to you, my friend. Hey, Adam, I gotta ask you something before you go. Yeah. What's handsome, charming, that disappears without notice? Smiling Sam? Alvey, are you there? Oh, I get it. Oh, God. Oh, he's good. Damn you, man. He's good. He's good. Best validation by an NFL analyst. The greatest guy I ever seen catch the ball in my life was Chris Carter. Chris Carter. Remarkable. But Jerry Porter was close to Chris Carter in terms of eye hand coordination. So was Porter's work ethic good, mediocre, or poor? Okay, so when we evaluate players in college for the pros, you, work ethic and competitiveness are two different areas. So if a guy scores high on competitiveness but low on work ethic, you could make them better. But if a guy scores low on a high on work at hard work and low on competitiveness, you got no chance. And I would say Jerry was short on competitiveness and moderate on hard work. I love being right. I've never been right. Or have I ever been? Goddamn writer. My goddamn life. Max a path is exactly what I'm saying. Most pathetic childhood sports story. The one gimme that would at least seemed like a gimme was the school of the deaf was looming there out of quad A. And so we go into the gym, and it was eerie because it's freshman basketball, so who cares to come out as a. As a student body and watch you play? Except that for the school of the deaf, apparently, this was a big deal. And so the entire, entire student body comes out to watch. And it has those, you know, those typical pull out the bleachers, those wooden bleacher kind of things that pull in. And so we come out onto the floor to a packed gym. This spooks us to begin with because we're not used to playing in front of people. Except that it's especially eerie because in spite of all the people, it's dead silent. Obviously. Then right before the game, they start. They start with their claps and stuff. They start making claps in unison. And they're officials tell us, hey, now when they're. When the whistle blows, they can't hear it, so stop them. So you're giving all the hand signals, all those kind of things. Couple minutes into the game, my pal Ben Loski gets fouled. He goes. He's about to go up to the stripe, you know, he goes up there, and in unison, the entire gymnasium just starts going under with their feet on those wooden bleachers. And as he picks the ball up to shoot it, they all at one time just go like that. And it was the freak. I'm not making fun. That's what the sound was. It was the freakiest sound. It was. It was. It haunts me to this day. Now. Ben Loski missed the free throw and he comes over, you know, after he's. I sorry. I'm like, I don't know how you got it halfway to the rim. I would. I would have peed. There would have been pee running down my leg when I heard that sound. We beat them ultimately by seven points. I hope they learned a lesson. We beat it by seven and celebrated in the locker room like we had just won the NBA Finals. Most regretted NFL prediction and I believe you need your lock. Yes, sir. Let's go with the Vikings. It's the obvious 1. There's 7 point, 17 point chalk versus the God awful Bills. If the Bills went out right, I'll eat my flip flop. Last time we talked, you said if the Bills beat the Vikings, you'd eat your own flip flop. Hey, that didn't go well. I can get my dog to eat it for you if you like. We have an assortment of hot sauce. I put in a Vitamix and then liquefied it, but it didn't look very good. So I kind of copped out on that one. Widest golf moment. I'll take my two stroke penalty and I'll get in from here. And so it's the, the argument is out there right now. And, and you know, always a couple days later, people have time to process. Now all of a sudden, everybody's up in arms and frustrated by it. So put this in a chapter of my coffee table book. What black people think white people talk about all day. Believe you me, he knew what he was doing with his two strokes too short penalty. Not enough, I say. Not enough. Yeah, look, I got my PGA rule book in the glove box in my car. I'll go out and. You're gonna have some egg on your face when I'm done reading. So funny you say that. I have. I have a PGA rule book in the box of my car. I'll go out there. Really? You're gonna go get it? I can. I'll do a little live read. You go get it. I gotta see this. He's got his rule book, folks. It's right here. These are all the rules he really does. It's a laminate. If you're talking about a lateral hazard or a water hazard or if there's a obstruction in your way or whatever you need. Folks, I got it right here. Over under. Let's all. Write down a number. How many black men would I have to pull over and check their glove box before I got to one PGA rule book? Okay, I have 5.7 million. Wow. It looks like an eight that's fallen over. But that's an infinity sign. You will be pulling over people forever and you will not find one. I feel the first one I get is a racist white cop who plants it in your glove box. What's this? What we got here? And Sportscaster of the year. Hello again, everybody. Chat Waterhouse with the Waterhouse update. Brought to you by Blipsticks. The ammo for women. Road to the Super Bowl. AFC New England Patriots officially pass I Love Lucy for most endings that are exactly the same. Tom Brady, who had quadruple bypass surgery Thursday, threw for 290 yards of two TDs both to Danny Amendola, who's better looking than Brady. Jags looked good for three quarters, then turned into a Dutch family who accidentally wandered into the South Bronx. NFC Philly crushes Minnesota like a sea otter splitting oysters on his chest to impress a chick. Vikings offense did their impersonation of a tourist in Jamaica. Adam. They still stayed in their room. Vikings D was like me with my dvr. No idea how to stop it. That wrap up brought to you by Airbn E. It's not an app. It's just a crowbar. Love that guy. Good year in sports? Yeah. Just. You realize how much good stuff. Hey, it's so weird because everything is just so fast and so forward. You look back and you're. I don't spend a lot of time looking back into the rearview mirror and I'm always like, who's the best interviewer? What song are they don't even talk. It's weird for a guy who some people think has a photographic memory. I have no memory for stuff that just sort of happened. I have stuff for like, I could sing you the Stratego theme song from 1976. Stratego. I remember all that stuff. I don't really remember what happened two days ago. You remember the important stuff. That's right. It's that. And I pointed out before, like, you know, driving home from the show. I'll call Chris. How's the show? Anything funny happen on the show? I have no idea. I have no idea. You're not memory making mode. You know, we were in the moment. Yeah. In the moment. Song of the year number four is next. Our fourth nominee for song of the year. Point. Shooting. Shooting. Shooting. Ball. Broad. Keep shitting Shitting Shitting. On Adam's point, he's shitting. Keep on disagreeing. Ball brine. Every day on the podcast. Bullshit you broadcast. Holy opinions out your ass. All his points you're missing, and on his rant you're pissing. Please go back to improv class. Shut him down. Contradict. Contradict. Shut him down. Shut him down. Contradict. Oh, Brian, cancel out. Disagree. Disagree. Cancel out. Cancel out. Disagree. Ball, bro. Now, I want that. That one's so bad. I love it. All right, we roll right into outstanding achievement and On a Point. The nominees for outstanding achievement in On a Point are. Dave from Pittsburgh. Thanks, Dave from Pittsburgh. You got it. Keep up the good work. Hey, Permante's overrated. Well, I'm going there tonight because I have people. There you go. That's a Bob. Brian level shame right there, man. Wow, Brian, Gina and Chris. Look, if you're gonna make something that's a little off the beaten path or your version or your whatever, please have that conversation with the person who is sitting down and ordering, because I'm simply ordering. Ordering Corned beef hash that I picture when you open an encyclopedia and there's a picture of corned beef hash. That is my corned beef hash. And a lot of people have been telling me about hash browns and adding onions and adding cheese and Waffle House, and I'm all about it. I'm all about it. I appreciate it. But as I've stated, I love the hash browns, and this place does, and I. I'm happy for this. They do the hash browns and they do like the country potatoes, and they do the. Whatever. These put some chick's name in front of it, and that's her thing or something. But they do the different ones, and we all appreciate the fact that we all want the hash browns with the breakfast. If you'd like to do the purple cube tomatoes with the pieces of bell pepper, that's fine. I'm not going to stop you. I'm never going to order that, but that's fine. You may have that option. First, we need the traditional hash browns, and then go sick with the potatoes that I'll never order. So I say to the guy, I love the idea of this. Of the hat. Oh, sorry. Of the. Of the. What was I saying? Hash browns. No, the potatoes. Gravy. Although the purple potatoes, the country potatoes. Now, the other thing I was talking about biscuits and gravy. Guy Max, hit list. No, what's happening? What? I started off talking about brunch, all right? Then I segued into place. You like Sonny got the biscuits and gravy. You're reaching over and you're like, you like that? All the people tell you. They suggest. Then I order corned beef and hash. Yeah, that's, that's not going. That one thing you briefly mentioned is the thing that none of us could guess. How dare you not read your mind for that one brief thing you mentioned? Well, once you go between two minutes of goddamn potatoes. Look at what you're trying to bring. Biscuits. Well, yeah, but I remember potatoes and biscuits because I was talking about it. Corned beef and hash. One of you should have come up with that. If you were listening correctly, I'm with Brian and his outrage. We just recounted the entire conversation, yet we weren't listening correctly. Rooster McConaughey and Butch, I need the Chinese food takeout containers. I need them to be labeled. I want the rice to be a different color. I can't tell you how many times I have the Chinese food, and it's two days later, and I'm opening the fridge and it's different, and I pop everyone open. Like, I shake them, like, which one? I had two containers. My kids said they finished everything. I thought it was pork fried rice and a white rice. Turned out to be kung pao shrimp. It's. I, I, I'm staring at it like, can at least we just have the green one for the rice? It just calls the rice out where, you know, where you can open the fridge and go, I have this much dinner and this much rice. Because sometimes there's too much rice and you think you got a dinner left, but you don't have a dinner left because someone ate all the protein. It's traumatizing. It's traumatizing. And I thought we had problems. Oh, good. My God. I'm not gonna bring. I've been in my. But why, why would you. Containers. Why would you give unmarked honey. Unmarked rice container. Have a, have more. Stifle your, your mockery. They are not taking you serious. Can't we have. How about a little. I can't take this no more. How about a clear viewing window? How about a viewing window? How about a clear porthole in the side of the thing so I could tell how much was left? Have you thought about using a marking? Marking the damn thing when you got. When you get home. Would that be, you know, humanity in the middle of now pushback? Paul Rodriguez. I want to get the taco rankings. All right? There's some. Here are the rules. Here are the taco rules. All right? Okay, it's going to be chicken. Right. Or it's going to be pork. Right. Or it's going to be steak. Beef, Right? Right. All right, those are the three. Those are the three meats. And I'm going on a taco run. What can we put you down for? So we can't factor in all the. Where you're going or it's going to be too dry or whatever it is. I'm going to Paquito Moss. Probably eaten there a few times. Yeah, yeah. And I'm getting tacos. I'm getting soft tacos for the crew. What can I put you down for? And we'll do it in order. I go for the chicken, you know, Absolutely. Sweet vindication. Oh, shut up, Brian and Bob from Corona. I want to do a thing with my kids. I've told you guys where I take them to the Home Depot and I find everyone who works there that's under or over the age of 65, and I just go, what went wrong? And then, you know, like, when's your lunch break? And they go, we get 35 minutes. And I go, all right, I'll tell you what. I'm going to buy you a sandwich and I'm going to give you $100. Sit down and tell my kids what went wrong. Bob, you're 53. You're living in Corona. You're selling wooden dice for $5. Large wooden dice. What went wrong? I was in an accident and I got disabled. I knew something maybe. Brian, please. Instead of. Instead of just sitting on my butt, I go to yard sales stuff that people the. The end of the yard sale, and they throw everything to the curb. So you look at it and you find things. You find things that are unbelievably. Why did they throw it out? I was hoping for lazy. I aspired this level above point shooting. This is. This is the greatest point shooting of all time. Brian, in your greatest point days, what's wrong with you? You could never rise to this level. Tragic accident. I'm not done. I still have. He still needs more vetting. Oh, so good. I. I stand by that. In theory. There's a lot of, like, oh, let's let the fire captain come to the school and talk to the kids. But they could get much more out of talking to the Home depot employee who's 71, who's making $11 an hour. The vast majority of people in that position, you would ask what went wrong, would tell you what went wrong and wouldn't end up like, that's the exception. That proves the rule. All right, Outstanding achievement. And shitting on a point goes to Bob. He earned it fair and square. He did. He did. I didn't think anyone's gonna beat Butch and Rooster. I forgot about that. I also stand by my Chinese food containers. I wanna know. We've all been burned by the weight, you know what I mean? What it is, is you love the beef and broccoli or the shrimp or whatever, so you eat it all, and then there's the whole rice in there, and two days later you reach for it and you go, ooh, I got a lot of beef and broccoli hanging out. Nothing. Nothing. That almost made it into best invention. Oh, the window. With Butch and Rooster, they had to go into shitting on a point. All right, moving on. Best reoccurring Guest. The nominees for Best recurring guest are. AJ Benza. I just don't agree to pay 19 for a sandwich before I get on the airplane instead of walking by. Well, I don't steal sandwiches, but I will definitely. I've been known. First of all, listen, I always steal shallots at Ralph's because they're too expensive and I like a shallot in my meal once in a while. I hope you do hard times with a guy who's in there for arson and double homicide. I'm going in for shallots. No. What's that better than shallots? Saffron. I like to make papaya twice a year, and that's more than gold, pound for pound. Saffron. All right. Pinoli nuts is another thing. Give me a break. It's a pinole nut. Why is it 13 for a bag, 3 by 3 inches? These are all things that I buy regularly. So I'm gonna listen to you. Watch me get some cargo shorts when you're fine. J. Moore, Coach Tony Bennett. Hello, Adam Corolla. How are you, sir? Yeah, sorry about the big loss. Who cares for moonlit sky? It sounds like he's taking it all right. Honestly, it's gotta be. I'm not taking it all right, Brian, I. I would love to know who the hell is Lyle and who didn't put a body? I'm brokenhearted because these are good young men. They're all 26 years old and hey, we lost to a better team. And that, of course, is the University of Maryland. Baltimore country. I think it's county either way. What now, Adam Carolla, you say either, I say Adam. Oh, my. I don't say Earth. Oh, my goodness. They were 16 seed and we were one seed. When you lose by 15. That's witchcraft. Oh, man. Rob Riggle. Yeah. Jake in the man, right? Yeah. That was a show. Yeah. William Conrad. Yes. Been a great pitch to him. Who was probably fat, but also had a big ego. Hey. Yeah. Marty, your agent. Yeah. What do we got? Jake and the Fat Man. Don't worry about the title. Don't worry about the title. I could play a guy named Jake. Who are we getting to play the fat guy? Well, hold on now. We're gonna back. Let me backpedal a little bit. They got a great actor for Jack or for. Yeah, Jake, Jake, Jake. So who's playing fat guy? Well, listen, right now they're, you know, they're looking at you, and I said, hey, what does that mean, guy? And they were like, no, no, it's not about. Anyway, bottom line, I'm just gonna bottom line it for you. This is a dynamite opportunity. So forget the title, forget the name. Just know that we're talking Emmys and money. All right, so what you're saying. And, like, one of my favorite movies. It just came out last summer. Smoking the Bandit. Sure. Jerry Reed played the snowman. Yes. But it wasn't really a snowman. That's exactly. You're reading it. It's like you're reading my mind, man. Saying I'm playing a fat man. I'm saying, but I'm not really a fat man. Exactly. Hold on. I can't hear while I'm chewing. My ears close. That's okay. Let me put this. You got a little sauce, right? I don't care. I guess you're just playing on. I could. I can hear it in the. I can hear it's rubbing on the receiver. Down. Yeah. All right. So what are we saying, anyway? But. Yes, I'm saying that you want me. Put some weight on, if you don't mind. It could really help. It could really help what they're going for. Well, I'm. I would describe myself as rotund now, but not ops. Of course. That's how I describe you to everybody. I describe you as husky, but. Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. And listen, here's the good news. Yeah, I checked. I checked the pilot and I checked the. The script bible. There's not. There's not gonna be any running for you. Jake's good. Jake's gonna do most of the footwork. Kyle, done again. Trump is a cancer on our democracy. He must be rejected by all patriots for the good of our national identity and values. That's not even an insult. Cancer's good spreads around. Gross. Brian, you have anything to say about that? I mean, he's not wrong. All right, what do you think, Gina? Is it George Takei? Oh, sorry. Or Alyssa Milano? Okay, this is a tough one. Now, Donald. Yeah. If you were chivalrous, you would go second. I'm gonna go first. Okay, you didn't let me finish, but all right. Make your pick. And then Gina with the smaller brain will by default, de facto right. Get the next. The other person. Is this locker room talk? No, no, you're allowed to pick. Or you could be chivalrous. I want to hear it one more time. Once in Chinese so I can get the tekkei vibe. And once it's a chick. I think he's Japanese. Talk about same thing. Okay, one more time. Do it in the Chinese. One Chinese first, please. First? Come on, you know what they sound like with the ping pong and everything. President Trump, please. He's Japanese. It's a different country. That's why I said Chinese. Chinese, Japanese. Dirty news. Come on, read the tweet. And Jo Koy. All right. You know, I still remember the day my mom brought me McDonald's. Like, to this day, I still remember that. Did she bring it to school? She brought it to school. I got my lunch, and she was on the way to work, and she brought it and she was so pissed. She was so pissed. What did she sound like? Don't ever forget your lunch again. This is the last time. This is the last time. So what did she sound like when she was ordering at McDonald's? I'll take. Let me see what's in a number one again. What is that? That's large fry. Uhhuh. That's a quarter pounder. A quarter pounder, which is a. A lot of. Well, it's a quarter. A quarter of a pound. Is there a pound? Do you have a pound burger? You get four quarter pounders, then that's four burgers. That's a pound, though. But I just. I just want one. One pound. Well, you know, like, you have a quarter, and then four of them make a dollar. Yes, you could have four quarters that make a dollar. Oh, but that's stupid. But you can't have a dollar. You see what I'm saying? Oh, by the way, the quarter pounder, that's pretty cooked weight. Once we cook it, it gets lighter, but we're still there. Well, what is that? All of the. That's not bear. It's not a bear? No. Pear. It's not a pear. It's not pear. English? No, just Order either one. No, I don't want two. I said. You said you wanted a pair. It's not fair to me. We have a true for one Big Mac. Okay, you want a pair? No, I don't. Do you have a Happy Meal? Half eaten meal? Half a meal with the toy. Put the toy in the box and it's very happy. It makes me happy. What box would this be? We have a half. We don't have a Happy Meal. Half a meal. Happy Meal. Happy Meal. I could search the garbage for a half eaten meal, but most our customers consume. Why would I want a half eaten meal? I want a Happy Meal. The one that make you smile. The Happy Meal. Happy Meal. Yes. Yes. Is your son into Star Wars? Oh, he loves Star Wars. Okay. Because we're out of those. That's recurring. Yes. Strikes me that I say reoccurring instead of recurring. Recurring. Recurring. Recurring. I say reoccurring. Brian's grandmother would kill you. No, that's right. Either way, you'd be wrong. Do other Americans join me in my screwing up and saying reoccurring? I think reoccurring might be acceptable. But the word is recurring. You can say reoccurring. You can. Yeah. I trust you, you know. All right. Who knows? Let's see. Kyle Dunn again, everybody. Oh, I just love it. It's another impression of the year. And the recurring guest. It's reoccurring. Your grandmother just texted me from now. I do that, by the way, Brian. I do that with people when you're not even around anymore. Like Brian's grandmother. I just spit it out there. Brian's grandma says that's right. That's good. It's so sad that my grandma did the same thing. All right, Best musical moment, everybody. The nominees for best improvised musical moment are. Adam for getting wood in a yoga class. One other yoga would. Hold on. I wanted to stretch my bed dad back, so I did hot yoga. I had on cargo shorts and a T shirt with some flip flops. We went into an oven with a bunch of models who wore next to nothing. I got a down dog and started to sprout me some wood. Biographical. The bitch in the panties came by and told me my posture was not good. Sweat started to drip and my cargo shorts started to rip. My bonus. Where was it? Full man, no blood. My head room's starting to spin. Adam for grandma getting nostalgic for water soluble lube. Water lube. Couldn't let grandpa without it on Waterloo. Gonna embarrassed to hell on my grandson. Waterloo Couldn't have Stopped at the goddamn typewriter water lube telling you boy, so you'll kill yourself. Oh, not whack it again. Waterloo, you'll never whack off at Ray's mom's apartment Adam and Paul Rugg for Dingo Boy theme When I then got to kroc, I said, there's this bit from the Acme days I told Jimmy called Dingo Boy. It's like a funny. It's kind of a radio serial really. It's really like a old timey radio serial with a song that Paul wrote. I'm guessing you wrote it, right? Raised by wild dingoes on the app that Kay lived in no human conduct had he. Yes, dingoes were his kin. Dingoes taught him hunting and dingoes taught him pride. Dingoes made him gopher diapers out of gopher hide. He grew into adulthood. His memories drifted back. His human nature told him it's time to leave the pack. He searches every city, Melbourne, Sydney and Perth to find his parents killers and put them in the earth. Run, run, Dingo boy Run, run, Dingo boy Dingo boy O Run, run, Dingo boy Now, I've not sung that in close to 30 years. John Popper for improving T. Okay. Finding which harmonica to use. There's so many. 10,000 times he just switched harmonica that masterpiece. Adam Milo Gibson and Peter Fi for Steven Seagal Christmas album. This is Stephen Seagal. Oh, he plays seated. Remember that? Whoa. He's got some pipe. Girl. It's all right. This one's called Just for men and YouTube. Does he have a Christmas album? That's what I want. Oh, that's a very good question. We'll investigate. That's interesting. All right. Now his song War leaves a little something to be desired. My mistletoes is in your orbital socket. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Let me kick off my loafers and put my mistletoes into your orbital socket. Merry Christmas. Yeah, I'd buy it. Best. Wow. Wow. There's a lot there. I wouldn't even thought about that category. Waterloo. Yeah, I'm still singing that. All right, let's see. And the winner is Water Lube. An instant classic. Yeah, that was my grandmother telling me that everything in the house reminded her of Grandpa. And she started with his overcoat. Then she went to his typewriter. Then she went to the lube. Really drove it home. You had me a typewriter bitch. I believed you. I believe you. I get it. You live with a guy for 57 years, things remind you. Understood. All right. Rant of the year. Penultimate rant of the year. That's right, number six. Here we go, our sixth nominee for rant of the year, Boys and adhd. So when the school teacher, the middle aged broad, says to the boys, no football, it's too rough. We're not playing football. We can play four square and tetherball. And then you just sit in this hot classroom all day and they go out of their goddamn minds. Out of their minds. It is torture to take an 11 year old boy and go. You just sit there and don't make any noise for an hour and then we can go out. No, no, no, don't run, don't run. No running. Walk it, walk it out, walk it out there. Then we'll give you a choice. You can play soccer with a utility ball, but you cannot rough out. Football's too rough. We can't have you make contact. That is torture to young guys. Now because we've decided to have all the broads be in charge of all the schools and all the policies and because dumbos like Dr. Drew said, the light that's toward the right, that's, that's toward the Fallopian tunnel. Head to the light that's coming from the fallopian tunnel. We've all geared everything toward the more evolved way of doing. The more evolved way is everyone sit there, put your hands on your knees. Don't, don't talk, don't touch. Don't touch one. You're invading his personal space. Biologically, that's what we're meant to do. And it is a form of torture to take young boys and tell them no roughhousing and no football. But guess who's in charge of that policy? It's not Dick, but guess. It's a bunch of goddamn house fraus who get to decide what young boys do. And thus it's torture for young boys. And if you can't just sit there like an ice sculpture for an hour in the middle of the day, Young nine year old boy, we'll give you some pills that'll help you. It's. It's insane. It's stupid. Wake up. The reason guys do that is because that's what we do. I. It's. It's a stupid thing all the time. How come young boys do this? And how come young girls have to. She has to play. She wants to play with the dolly. He wants to play with the dump truck. How come? How come? Cause that. That's what we do. Idiots. It is part of the fucking fucked up plan of taking both sexes and turning them into one. Because then we have to just go, hey, Sonny, take some pills. You want to run around like Sonny says to me on a daily basis, I want to play football. They won't let us play football. I just had this conversation with him Yesterday on fantasy BS. He's like, yeah, we get like a 10 minute break, but we have to like sit in our seats. It's like you don't get recess, right? Okay, imagine. Hey, hey, gals. Hey, young gals. You want to go do stuff? You can't. You can't. You want to decorate stuff, you want to design stuff. You want dollies, you want to dress stuff. You want to design dresses, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. I can't be dazzle. No, come over here. We're playing rugby. I hate it. Fuck you. I this. The idea. Sorry. Put that tampon down. The notion that this even goes anywhere is insane to me. Of course my fucking son wants to play football. Of course it's what he wants to do. Okay, is he bad or is he a boy? Like, bad and dangerous. It's so fucking weird. All right. Sad. Okay, let's take a quick break. Yes. We have first Technical and Creative Aces. At the Technical and Creative Arts Aces. Last month, honors were awarded in the following categories. Best morning dj. There's a mattress. Looks like a match. Could be box ringing lanes. Box ring lanes. Mattress in lanes. So, Sloan, go look out for. Look out for brake lights. We got a surf report coming in. Santa Monica, we got intermittent swells coming in at between 3 and 5ft. So if you're gonna get out there and surf, you get out there. But remember, if you're gonna take the 405, look out for brake lights. We got a mattress and lanes. And bring that wetsuit. 71 degrees. Checking in. Santa Monica, 71 degrees. Yorba Linda, 71 degrees and Alhambra, 71 degrees. And Whittier, 72. 2. Oh, it's typo. 71 degrees. So, checking in. Everyone's checking in. Weather drop trap. I can tell you, but I have to kill you. We're up against your break. Up against the top of the hour. I'm up against death. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm up against a casket. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My loveless relationship. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I never get to drop trial in front of my wife. She's seeing other women. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hopefully I'll die soon. I'll run out of air so I can just die. End this tragedy of life. Hey, Yorba L is checking in. 71 degrees. I'll hammer 71 Santa Monica. 71 degrees. Best radio ramp up and welcome back to the Toolbox where we're filling up your stocking with a groove of light rocking all this week, listen for your chance to play white elephant. You can win fabulous prizes like a shrimp devener acne cream nose hair trimmer or a Barack Obama chia head. Right now I'm serving up ambrosia. No, it's not jell O salad. It's a mellow ballad because you're rocking inside the toolbox. Best intro joke and complisol to intro joke writer Now Brian's head got so big from his rotten tomatoes victory last week, his doctors thought the tumor was growing again. Adam Corolla off. Yeah, lynch must add a day off. Probably took a was there snow day. What month is it over there? Oh God. This is how I find out so good. That kind of intro means lynch had some time. Lyrics from a car song means he was working three jobs and now he's just what you needed. Most ironic correction. The debates did well, you know, one would argue probably because of the Trump factor. Sure. Right. Do you think that with those absolutely. Sixteen other candidates that people wanted to hear what Marco Rubio thought about immigration or, you know, what George Bush thought about, you know, education or early childhood education? I mean, right? Yeah. Oh, you said George. I said George. Sorry, Jeb. Jeb, sorry. That'll be the last time. Ace award moment. Best non answer by a non. August, shall I go first or should I go last? Sure. All right, I'll go first. Sure. Thanks, August. No Mike. I'm so psyched for the actual competition. Mike seen green about now. Best vitriol by a non Corolla. We all get it on Twitter like we all. We all get get our pound of flesh taken and handed back to us. But I got I mistakenly identified. What's this? The fact that Chris Farley, he wasn't the voice of donkey. He was the voice of Shrek. Oh, it was a holiday on Twitter. Bob Lyon was wrong. Holy. It was holiday for losers. Enjoy it, dorks. Since it doesn't happen very often, no wonder it was such a great day for you. Wow. Best tweet reading by a female. I you not. There is a peacock in my front yard. What do I do? And that tweet reading by a male. Yeah, your mom got me a doorman job at her whorehouse. Hashtag instablock. And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew. The last last word. Exotic fish. A piece of fried chicken. A hockey stick. A sleeping duck. His glass eyes. A folding chair. A Dunkin donut. Hooters chicken feed. Chick fil A. A big mouth Billy Bass. A 20 gauge shotgun. A can of corned beef. A pot of meatballs. A foreman. The neighbor's mailbox. Her pet lizard. A seafood wholesaler. Quarter Shannon Tracy Morgan motor oil. Quarter pounder and fries. Pizza rolls. Utility bowl. Sock. A snowball. Manhole cover. An eight foot deep badger hole. Thank you Alcoa, for another year of sponsorship. Stay tuned in 2019 for more. Definitely Not a Jew. I love it. Quietly. My favorite Ace Awards moment. Me too. I'm laughing his ass off. So good. All right, moving into Most Uncomfortable moment, which is always uncomfortable because we never know what those moments are. We shut them out. There's an enzyme in our brains that block them out. First, I'll tell you quickly about Lifelock, everybody. While you're out during the holiday season, you're using free wifi. You think it's secure. It's not. Hackers can create their own rogue hotspots with similar sounding network names. Access your information and get the network and get your information. And then they take it. And then they make money off of it. We don't want that. Here's the deal. So during the holiday season, you're exposed because of your online shopping. You're booking, you're booking travel. You have cyber criminals out there and they are trying to rip you off. Lifelock Identity theft protection as the power of Norton security to help protect against threats your identity and devices. Crooks are lazy. They want to steal your identity and they want to do it from their bathrobe, from their mom's kitchen. Don't let them do it. Get lifelock. Almost 2019 people get lifelock. Right, Dawson? Of course, no one prevents all identity theft or cybercrime or monitor transactions at all businesses. But no matter the season, Lifelock with Norton Security is the right choice to help look for threats that you might miss on your own. Go to lifelock.com or call 1-800-lifelock. Use promo code Adam for an extra 15% off your first year. That's promo code Adam for an extra 15 off@lifelock.com. all right, so Most Uncomfortable Moment. Here we go. The nominees for Most Uncomfortable Moment are Adam and Dawson. I drink like the big quarts of naked juice. Green machines. Yeah. Drink about one of those a day. Yeah. Vinnie would tell you that's probably ton of sugar? No, there's no sugar. It's all fruit juice. I mean it's all vegetables juice. Where do you work? Oh, it's all vegetable. Yeah, yeah. But with. But it's tastes good. No, it tastes like pineapple juice. Well, you look it up. It's all natural juice. Hold on. I do talk about pineapple juice as an example. 100% red. It is 100% juice. But it's. It is, it is pineapple, tropical sugar. Flavor of everything else. There's broccoli in this thing. Essentially. You do understand where. And I say it's got the tropical juice or it's got the fruit juice in it. And then you go no, it's. It's all vegetable. The pineapple masks the flavor. When I'm talking about fruit juice, I'm including pineapple in my discussion. Pineapple. It tastes good. Regular sugar from the fruit in there. There's no added sugar. It's 100% natural juice is what I'm saying. Have you ever been here when Vinny's here talking about drinking orange juice and how you should just drink a Pepsi because it's the same as I believe. Shooting on the point is my domain. 32 two grams of added sugar. 53 grams overall. Okay. This is just a. For an eight ounce serving. So it's a small serving. An eight ounce serving of Coke has 26 grams of sugar. An eight ounce serving of Green Machine by Naked Juice has 28 grams of sugar. Well, that was all for weighed one hundred and eighty five for the last 25 years. So I'm all right. I've never been writer in my life. What are you right about? Huh? What do you tell me what you're right about? Do you know the topic of this discussion? Yeah. That I have a great metabolism and I'm awesome. Yes. You don't gain weight right now at the beginning you're drinking fresh pressed broccoli and that. That wouldn't gain weight. But now that we figured out that it has more sugar in it than a Coke, now we're back to me being right. That's what I'm. That's what I'm saying. So I've never been more right in my life because this, that I. But don't. Sugar is one thing, but I mean there's no broccoli and Coke. Adam, Mark Garrigus and bald Brian. If you were to give the first accuser a number of 1 to 10. 10 being a. A lead pipe cinch gold. As, as a person who does this for a Living a person you you uncovered or found in your camp. Ten is the best. One is da reject or one is probably not great. In your opinion, what would you give the first accuser? 2 until I see her. And if we top off the show on Friday, I'll reassess. All right. Second accuser. Accuser. That's beyond a nothing burger. That one offends me. And number three, the latest Avenatti crime. I give it a seven. Is it any wonder that they go and reported because the girl said a woman says, oh, I was assaulted, blah blah. And here we are giving scores to her. Her story. Yeah, scoring. I give it. She said she was molested. She was raped. I give it a two. It's a good point, Brian. And you know, there was no. I. I know what you're doing. I know what Gervas is doing and I understand intellectually, but it's so distasteful. Well, you're absolutely right. It's like eating your tail. It feels gross. Adam and Chris, how tall are those cement barriers? Finding out now. Uh, oh, 32 inches. Yeah. Why'd you told me 42 inches? They're. They're two versions of them there. Are there? So they make two versions of these barriers and they have the shorter ones and. All right, so I said it was 32 inches. Yeah. And then you wrote me a note that said the jersey, they're called jersey berries and they're 42 inches. The. And then I shook my head and said no. Oh boy. That did happen. Okay, so how do I know? Look, there are two versions of this. Now I gotta tell you, things look pretty slow right here, but I think it's going to pick up. And how insane am I with my eyeballs? Because I've never measured them. I just know they're not 42 inches. Yeah, are most. But how come everyone I've seen is 32 and I don't know the 42 version there. The other variation of the 42. Variation one is called the Ontario Tall wall. This is great. Tall wall. Yeah, but there's. But there's. Well, it's got the word tall in it, Mac. Yeah, but they're. They're two versions of them. There's still. What if I just accepted your 42 inch version? I don't know how we're going to top this. I don't know. I. My life would have been a lot easier after the show. All right, Max, man, you know what to do next time. Do 32 inch and let's see if I can't be made wrong. 32 is the typical size. Typical. Yeah. All right. But you gave me the atypical. I. That's. Yeah. Cuz that was the. That makes me wrong. Yes. Time has passed. I didn't fight you on it. When you, when you shook your head, I went back in. Well, I should have never shook my head. Because you looked up the height of those barriers and said 42. And any other person would have went, I guess they're 42. Because you have the computer. I'm just sitting here. You hear this every other podcast. One Adam and Rob Schneider. When I found out that Rob was coming on and I heard about got a little dust up he got into with Alec Baldwin or at least an exchange about Baldwin's Trump. And there's a lot of that going around these days, coming off the White House Correspondents Dinner and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. But I reached out to Baldwin and he had a couple thoughts. All I'm saying is this, is that if, you know, comedy requires surprises. You know this clearly. If you do know the guy's political leanings, I mean, then it's like it takes away some of the potentiality of the surprise. And you know, when, you know a guy really hates him and you see the hatred seething through, it does affect it. And I love Alec Baldwin. So I reached out to Baldwin and he's, He's. He's not a fan. Quiet. He doesn't want to talk to you. I know, I know. He's pissed off. He's pissed. So. So on a happy note, he said he'd love to talk to me, just not with you. I still love you, Alec. I don't care. All right. Not a fan. So what did he say? Just said, not a fan, doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah, I mean, he said he could probably teach you a little about business as well, but not sure where that came from. But about show business. Yeah, I don't. Again, I'll respect his privacy. He didn't call you a douchebag. He just said kind of not a fan. Larry Miller and Gina Grad. Ah. Why do you think I was a nude model when I was 19? Not. I mean. Oh, yeah. All through college I have murals. There was a picture of one of those murals. I'll get one on the side of the ku. Wait a minute. Basketball arena. Hold on a sec. Really? Yeah, for my birthday, one of the classes gave me all of their murals and I think I have a picture of one of them. It might be in my car. Is this car because I showed it to somebody else. I don't remember why. I'll get it. I'll get it. You know, we're talking in the dark here. We don't know what we're saying. That's true. We need to see them. You know, you're. I think you're right. And then decide out in the car, you say it might. You want me go look? Yes, I do. Larry, take over the news. I'll try and bring it tomorrow. I'll see if I can find. I'm looking at Larry Miller right now. I've never seen him more focused and more tapped into this show. Yeah, I've been looking at his face and I've. I've never seen this kind of genuine concern for his subject matter. Never mind them. Don't listen to them. Okay, show me. Yeah, I think you've earned it. This better give mace award nomination for most uncomfortable moments. I've never seen Larry so dialed in. You know, when they talk about that pitcher who's throwing a no hitter, it's like, don't talk to him. He's in his own. Yeah, you don't talk to him. Larry's at the end of the bench. No one's talking up over the stripe on the way back to the dugout. Larry, do not. Do not jinx it. I may not sleep for a month because I'm going to be that focused on helping my friend. Thank you. By seeing her nude body. I completely concur. Oh, no. Oh, man. All right, who knows? Most uncomfortable moment. Larry and Gina, everybody. Gene, I'm going to give this to you. Thank you very much. I'd like to thank Larry. I'd like to thank the KU Art department. I have so many people to thank. All right, so we have the winner for song of the year. We first have song five, and then. Then we'll announce the winner for song of the year. Our fifth nominee for song of the year. Gina's drops. Gina, you talk too fucking much. Smell yo dick un rape able. I have a really ugly voice, so people assume I'm super ugly. Kissy little cunt La face with an Oakland booty. Fuck you, you old cunt. Ms. Bim Bim. Maybe they should change their name to Mall of Ragheadland. Naga, I assume. Would you like me to make banana cry? I love black cock. I didn't want to give you a BJ because I gave one to someone else earlier today. So what about nambla? Yeah, I'm giving handjobs in the men's room. A Klansman, am I? I don't like seeing brown men with white women. That's just your garden variety Jew talk. Sorry I'm not home right now. I'm okay. In this story. Burning message that'll call you back. Well, Nazis are sexier than him. Hippies. I'll have a hard boiled egg and a soft boiled clitoris. You will watch my micro penis whether you like it or not. Penis Baba. If you can read this, the fell off. If you can read this, the fell off. If you can read this, the fell off. Laganja estranga or jiggly caliente. El gordo y la flaca a brochado o multado spicorama. Kailan desmethyl carbodenafil Re Reason. Reasons don't care. Would you like to see some nude photos of little girls? Eight pussies. I got a devil tattooed on one tit and an angel tattooed on another tit. I just don't swallow a lot. PCP and meth and molly and alcohol and no sleep. Let's fuck on this. I'm gonna stick my hand so far my fist so far up your ass that you're gonna have to fuck. Never mind. Not Brian Bishop so much choose from. I'm such an asshole. And the winner. Oh, Song of the year is Language of Losers. Well deserved. It really is simple and powerful. So many good ones out there. But Language of Losers, super strong. All right, we have Best Drop. Oh, the real awards. Here we go. We also have Guest of the Year and Rant of the Year still coming up. But let's do the drops, shall we? The nominees for Best Drop by an ACS staff member are. People hate you. Here we go. He's the lead guest, signed Dylan Wren. What it is, my brother? And the winner. People hate you. Oh, Mike August. That's a good drop. I can use it. You know what I mean? I can use that drop in perpetuity now. Best Drop by Dawson. The nominees for Best Drop by Dawson are. Thai Eats Ass Above Average. Dong. Nobody told me it was White Boy day at the laundromat. You're super pretty for a Jew. He's wrong. You're wrong. And you're all propagating a lie. What is going to replace Kodo and Podo? I mean, we had some great ones thanks to, you know, the Gina Grad tournament. But the winner. I eat ass. It had to be. As soon as I heard that the heavens parted in a light like I was like in the Blues Brothers. Best Drop By Guest. The nominee is For Best Drop By a guest R. I love that Geico Gekko, though. My lock. I think you look like a beast. What a lucky dude I am. So many good ones. But the winner in this category was Pretty Easy Black. So good job for the win. So good. And last but not least, Best Drop By Gina Grad. The nominees for Best Drop By Gina. R. Gina, you talk too fucking much. Abrochado o Multado. The International Jew. The World's Problem. Riaz and Reasons Rins. Major key alert. The winner is. Oh, it's an upset A Brochado o Multado. And I don't even know what that means. Your pronunciations are the stuff of legends. I don't know what it means either. Giovanni, please tell us what that means. Best Drop By Adam is our last one. The nominees for Best Drop By Adam are. Shut that yitty mouth. You must stop up or I will fire your ass once in a while. You got to put your hands on a Miyama or something, you know, K something or something. I'm drinking, woman. Well, it was a great year for drops, but the winner, Drop of the Year. Shut that yitty mouth. Congratulations to all the nominees. Yeah, they're all winners. It was an honor. All right, Guest of the Year is coming. The nominees for Guest of the Year are. Tom Lennon. I'll tell you the story, and you do it as James Baby doll Dick said. Yeah, sure, yeah, of course. Yeah. Now I'm gonna set you up, which is. I gotta. I instantly put my hand in his. Yeah, you're holding a cigarette, even though I'm not holding a cigarette. I said to him once, so did you talk to so and so and what was their offer? And he said, their offer. Offer was so insulting that I told them, I'm not even going to bring it to you as a client. That's insulting to my client. And I won't even dignify it by bringing it to the client. So now I'm just. I'm going to insult you by telling you how I said, okay, how much was it? And he said, I'm not going to tell you how. That's a good line, Baby doll. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you talk? Yeah, talk. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. I. I talked to them, but it's. What. What are we talking about per episode here? Disgusting. What kind of money are we talking about? I honestly hung up the phone. I threw it against the wall when I heard it, but here you go. Okay, but what was the number? You're not gonna like it. Yeah, I Get it. You're not gonna like it. I can't tell it to you because it would be. It would be belittling. Well, what'd you tell that? Because you're. You're a lion. You're. You're a. In. If entertainment is the Serengeti, you're a lion guy. And I told. Napping in the tall grass. You're napping in the tall grass. I'm the kind of client who'd run at a great white and give him a back. Get that great white shark out of there. So I said, here's what I said on behalf of me and my client. Never call me again. Off yourself. And then I broke the phone, so they literally. They couldn't. They can't call me back. I changed the number, so they can't call me back. I like that part. Remember that time you told us guys at Sony, I don't roll over in bed for less than 50 grand? Yeah, there's also. Yeah, exactly. There's. There is no telephone anymore. You. You are not reachable through me. We have sent a very powerful message. How much did they offer, though? One and a half million dollars. What? That's stupid. For you. That's not. That's not really money. For you, it is. Judd Apatow. I remember I went to this. This acupuncturist, this old Japanese woman, and we were just talking about fear of death. And she said, you know, Judd, the thing is, you're built to fear death while you have a lot of energy and you're young and you want to do things and accomplish things. But you'll see, as you get older, it starts to go away. And then by the end of your life, you're ready to let go. And you're built that way. Everyone is built that way. So on some level, you could say there's something specific about rich people, famous people, people who've had their dreams come true, who realize that what life is about, the joy of life may not be that you hosted the Tonight Show. It may not be that you accomplished this. You might realize, like, oh, all those things I thought would make me happy, I'm one of the rare people who got to do them. And maybe it was more fun just hanging out with my friends. Maybe it was more fun playing with my kids or whatever. And so I think a lot of those guys have that crisis, because they do. They do have an experience that very few people have, which is, does your dreams coming true make you happy? And, yeah, welding is hard, but as someone who used to wash dishes and bus tables and stuff. There was a great joy in washing dishes. There was a great mental freedom in not sitting home going, if I don't think of another good joke, this is all over. Like. Like, there's a. There's a mental stress in the arts that people don't understand, where I would just laugh my ass off all night long washing dishes. Like, here's the dish. Clean it, put it back. I would just laugh. I'd sing who songs all night long. And so it's. I think it's a. It's a different experience a lot of people are having, and it's hard for people who do manual labor to understand the torture of wondering if you'll ever write a hit song again and doubting yourself and hating yourself. I mean, all these bands, you're like, what? I'm sure. Like, I always think about, like, REO Speedwagon. They're just going, like, why the can't I write another hit song? And that is. You know, that might be a worse feeling than just working hard every day and going home and having accomplished your thing. So I have compassion for everyone, and I think it's all interesting. Katie Couric. Adam, you know I'm doing something fun with your friend Jimmy because he's turning 50 or just turned 50. Just turned. Yes, just turned. So, you know, there's something that you should do when you're 50 to make the prostate thing. No. Sex with the robot. Sex with the prostate robot. Come on, work with me, Adam. All right, I'm sorry. Dire pubes. I don't know. Everyone knows that's 45 you're supposed to do when you're 50. It has to do with your colon. Oh, a colonoscopy. Oh, colonoscopy. Yeah. Sorry. My prostate thing was. I'm not a physician. That's what I'm colon about. The sex. It's all the same. Yeah, that's right. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna see if I can escort Jimmy to get a colonoscopy. That's important because colon cancer is the number two cancer killer of men and women in this country. But it's easily preventable if you get properly screened. Have you had a colonoscopy, Adam? No. And I'm. And I was thinking about it on the ride in, and I was thinking about you. Really? And I am going first. First off, I. Having Dr. Drew. My last time I saw Dr. Drew, I said, set it up. Like, talk to your guy. Like, whatever it is, give me a time so Dr. Drew on a very special Adam and Drew show. Yeah. So you just, you don't have a doctor? No, I have Dr. Drew. Seriously, it's kind of weird, right? That's ridiculous. You need a doctor. He's a TV doctor. That's insane. You can eat a doctor. Men. Men are so weird. They don't get physicals, they don't take care of their health. They're insane. No, yeah, you're right. No. So seriously, okay, how old are you? I'm 53. So I told him two things. I said, Dr. Drew set up a thing and then, then I got to get Leslie Stahl to escort me because I need a high end journalist. I mean, I'm just tearing a page out of your book. Who's going to escort me in to get this? Obviously Barbara Walters was the first. She's not as associated with as I am. Felipe Esparza, how old were you when you had your first child? I was 17. 18. So you're in high school. Basically, you, you have, you're, you have a child, you're living in the projects, you're stealing gloves for break dancing. What, what, how, how do you figure to make it, how do you start making it toward comedy? Oh, before that, I had no money. When my, my girl got pregnant, I had, I didn't know how to make money. I had no job skills. So I went to go ask my friend who I grew up with, some guy named, he's passed away already. Coco. Ronald. Ronald Page. He passed away already. I went to him and he was a crip. And I walked up, I went to his house and I knocked. Hey, listen man, I have no money. Can you help me out? Can you give me anything to do? Like if you have anything I could do for you? So he gave me like a hundred dollars worth of crack in a little bag. He goes, go sell that and come back. Well, anyways, my first stop selling crack, I get robbed by gunpoint. Like they rob me, they beat me up. I have to go back to his house at. Tell him, listen, man. No, I was so embarrassed. Fool me. Once I went back and I said, listen, man, it's my first day of work. I don't know, I didn't know that to wash my back. I didn't know I supposed to go to a stranger. So I need some more crack. I need some more crack. He said, forget that, cuz, we're gonna go get them foods. So immediately he, he hands me a, a loaded pistol. Like, this is my first day selling crack. Within an hour I'm already, like, holding a pistol. I'm wearing a blue rag, and we're both looking for those guys. And he's like. He. I said, I think it was those guys over there, but it was dark. I don't know who they were. He grabbed one of the guys and he gun slaps them like pistol whips him, and he points a gun at him. He tells me, is this the guy? Let me tell me right now. So I could just shoot him in the head. Is this the guy? And I was so scared, man. I think I peed on my pals. I think I pooped on myself or something, and I was shaking. I said it wasn't him. But by the end of the night, they found out that we were looking for them. And they. They went to his house and they brought back the crack and they brought extra cash. Wow. They told us we're sorry and it never happened again. That showed him sweet of them. Wow. And Joel McHale, if I try to take my wedding ring off to hit the heavy bag, throw some weights around, or bang astray on the road. What? You said, bang astray on the road. I said hit a heavy bag, Right. I said adopt a stray. I said throw some weights around. Yeah. What did you hear? Pretty much. Then you said, I feel like Gina. You heard it. Bang astray on the road. No, I think you must have mistook that with hit the heavy bag. Yeah, it's hard to. I just did the two. You. Brian, did you hear him say bang astray on the road? Did you say it? Yeah, I heard you say it three times. Why would I be. Well, could you take it back? Because Lynette listens to the show. No, I mean, I. Look, I. Did you guys hear it? They heard the heavy bag, right? Heavy bag, Throw some weights around. Right? Okay. All right, I'm gonna. That's strangely specific, y'all. So then if you could just tell it. Why don't we start over? Why don't we just start that over? Like. So when you. Okay, so. Okay, so whether I wanted to hit the double ended bag. Right. Or do some bench press right. Or fuck a groupie, I realized that I needed to take the ring off a groupie, right? What? You just said it. That's. That's very offensive. I don't know what groupies are as a type of fish. Why. Why would I. Okay. I hit that. I used to box. I. I know. Hammer is one of my favorite romantic comedies ever. I'm. I'm glad you like. I. There's. They Have a double ended bag. Right. You can work on your timing. Okay. With that. But you'd want to take your wedding ring off. And if you wanted to lift weights with. You can't wear the wedding ring because. Well. No. To pinch against the barbell or. You know what I mean, the belt. Right. Or to what order? Heavy bag. Heavy bag waist dumbbell. To take you. Right. Well, to take your ring off you for other things. Such as. Okay, I don't. Because I've heard you. I heard you say a girl. All right? That's what I heard. You got to worry about sometimes what you're thinking versus what you're saying. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm gonna. Okay. I feel like. I feel like you were thinking it. I'll let you get. I'm so sorry. Okay, you're. Let's. Why don't you get through with your thoughts? So you have to take your wedding ring off to do just speed bag. Right. Sometimes even skip row, plow a stranger. Right? So. Okay, you just said plow a stranger. Is that part. You said plow a stranger. You heard it right, Gina? I said hashtag. Me too. I don't like this language and I'd like you to leave. I said skip row. I didn't say it was non consensual or. Susan. I gave you a lot of examples, Joel. I said skip rope. I said speed bag. I said double ended bag. I said heavy bag. Right. I said barbell and I said dumbbell. Now, if those aren't six enough examples for you. This is why I can have to take my wedding ring off and why you have to stray into this world where. Look, I. I swear. When did you play this back? You accuse me of back hanging Janine, a 31 year old, thrice divorced mother three who. I keep an apartment in Seattle. When you come out with those kinds of accusations. Wait, you just said 31 year old mother of three who lives in Seattle, you have an apartment for. Her name is Janine. Right? I said dumbbell. I said heavy bag. I said speed bag. I don't even know how you know Janine. You know this Janine, so you said Janine. You're saying Janique. I forgot about that one. God, he's the best. He was out of line. I'm sorry. No, I know. We all like Joel. It'll be a travesty if he wins. The winner. Guest of the year 2018. Joel McAle, everybody. Oh, he's earned it after what he brought in here. That evil that he brought in here. He earned it. You're just as bad as he is if you think this is okay. All right, we have rant of the year and now the seventh Rant of the Year. Our seventh nominee for rant of the year, City government and building codes. In the area that I live, where I'm attempting to build this house, it is lousy. Lousy with oak trees. If you would like to cut one down, you must ask permission of the government. I go down the street and I see that there's a couple of oak trees in the front of another property that's being worked on. And it has the stanchions like the post put in. The ground has to be no more than six feet, but less than. No less than five feet. You have to make a circle around the base of the oak tree. And I see that they just have this plastic, orange, nylon mesh stuff that's like five foot high. And they roll it, wrapped it around it. But I didn't see any chain link. I realized, oh, this could be cheaper and easier to do this. And actually set up a chain link fence. And then we get this thing. It's like the architect is gonna go, he's gonna send his guy down to the city and ask if it's okay if we just wrapped it with the orange. I'm like, how about you just tell them that's what we're doing, that's what we've done? Yeah, they might. They might go for that. But, you know, they do. It says chain link fence, so they might not. So but hopefully we can. It's like, are you kidding me? You know what? You're paying goddamn taxes. They might go for that. And then I start getting pissed off. Like, I don't want to. Might go for that. Go show them the pictures of the trees and tell them, this is what we did. Thank you. We'll be moving on and paying you copious amounts in taxes and in permit fees. Well, okay. But they. They might. Well, you know, but they're also. They might tell us. Just a chain link. And it's like, okay, I don't like that. You won't like it either. Believe me, you will not like it. It is not good. I would like to live in a country where I go, I've heard your suggestions about my oak trees on my property, and I've considered them. But I shall be tearing down the fucking oak trees that I fucking want to at my expense on my fucking property. That'd be nice, but we don't live in that world. And to the assholes who would like a little more of that? Go eat a 10 gallon dick. Wow. Finish strong. How are we gonna choose? Oh, boy, here we go. Moment. Rant of the year. I would have no idea what it would be. The rant of the year is Julie Chen, everybody. Wouldn't have been possible without Julie Chen. Yes. She shall be missed. I like when they have to go home and take care of their family. Except for they don't have kids and their fucking husband just fucks other people. Still. I'm just saying, like, if our kids were out of the house and all I did was fuck other people, Lynette wouldn't go, like, I gotta go home and take care of Adam. Yeah, especially if we had 21,000 square feet. I'm taking my wing. Take care of her family. All right. Wow, that was great. What a year. We're gonna go eat some ribs now, which we're all excited about. I want to thank Gina. I want to thank Brian. I want to thank Chris. I want to thank Dawson and Kaylin and Dylan and Lynch and Matt, Porcelain, Punisher and Gary and Emmy and Gabe and August and Giovanni. And that's all that's on the list. Hey, if I may, really quick cheers, you guys, to a great year. Cheers. I finished my champagne with you guys. And beer. And beer. It's been a good Ace Awards, but. And last but not least, Simplisafe. Here we go. 2019 coming up. You want some security? It's ridiculously easy to use. No hidden fees, no pricey contracts. Get yours at SimpliSafe. Two eyes in there. SimpliSafe.com Adam live shows coming up. Irvine. That'll be at the Irvine improv. That'll be 24th basic cable commentary with David Zucker. And we're going to break down Airplane and the movie that inspired it. So that's kind of interesting. Corolla drinks. Say hi to Lynette over there. Lots of good stuff going on@corolladrinks.com fantasy BS. That's Sonny, Carolla and Brian Bishop, everyone doing their podcast. Podcast one Apple Podcasts as well. And Chassis. Lots of good movies over there. And if you want some merch, go to corollaracing.com cool hats. I think I'm wearing one now. You sure are indeed. And good jackets and T shirts and whatnot. A wonderful, wonderful year. Thanks to all that brought so much to it. We're gonna go enjoy a Christmas party. I think there's about 80 people showing up this year this time. God bless you. Thanks for listening and we will see you January 4th with a brand new show. Until next time, Adam Kroll for Gina Grad and bald Ryan saying mahalo. Thank you for joining us for this year's ACE Awards. Share it with a friend and show them what they missed in 2018 and get them listening in 2019. Executive producer Adam Carolla produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch. Co producers Chris Laxamana, Gary Smith, Kailyn Bean, Matt Fondelier, Dylan Wren, Emmy Funes and Gabe Maldonado. Special thanks to to archivist super fan Giovanni Orchestra and score for the ACE Awards provided by Extreme Music, recorded using rode microphones and produced on Adobe Audition and Avid Pro Tools. Piano tuning by Olga catering by Sunny and Natalia's Postmates. Order hotel accommodations by Mayor Garcetti's Tent City. Travel to the ACE Awards furnished by Uber Quiet and a Waze app that doesn't work if Adam's driving. I'm not that impressed. The ACE Awards S.A. all right, this is Adam Grill Show 2479, the 12th annual ACE Awards. ACE Awards of 2018. Until next time, wallop and get it off it.