Joe Rogan + Anna David (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show Episode: Joe Rogan + Anna David (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: July 11, 2025
Guest Hosts: Joe Rogan, Anna David
Participants: Adam Carolla, Allison Rosen, Giovanni, Bald Brian

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1. UFC and Fighter Discussions

The episode kicks off with a lively discussion about the upcoming UFC heavyweight card featuring fighters like Junior Del Santo, Frank Mir, and Cain Velasquez.

• Giovanni highlights the benefits of smaller fighters, mentioning, "There’s a size where there’s a point of diminishing returns. Whether it’s 230 or 240, whatever it is." [02:41]

• Allison Rosen humorously compares fighters’ physiques to oversized zucchinis, stating, "Once zucchini gets too big, it’s no good." [02:58]

• The conversation delves into controversies surrounding fighters, including Cain Velasquez’s testosterone levels: "Their testosterone to epitestosterone ratio of 14 to 1... That is his excuse." [04:12]

2. Race, Stereotypes, and Physical Attributes

A significant portion of the conversation addresses racial stereotypes related to physical attributes, particularly focusing on misconceptions about black men's genitalia.

• Allison Rosen posits, "I used to think that the only reason we thought black guys had big cocks is because we wouldn’t let a black guy with an average to small cock into porn." [07:02]

• The group discusses the biases in media representation, with Giovanni noting, "Even when you see Mark McGuire, you go, Mark McGuire’s definitely juicing." [04:32]

3. Religion, Scientology, and Society

The discussion shifts to the role of religion and its impact on society, particularly focusing on Scientology and Mormonism.

• Allison Rosen shares personal experiences, "I used to think... Dr. Drew set me straight. He said that, you know, folks who come from that part of the world look closer to the equator, their appendages are longer so that they can dissipate." [07:48]

• Giovanni elaborates on his family's involvement with Scientology, "My parents were in Scientologists, don’t get me wrong." [52:24]

• The group critiques the commercialization and controlling aspects of certain religions: "Instead of that, they sort of offer you this predetermined pattern of behavior." [48:13]

4. Government, Corruption, and Legal Issues

The conversation critiques government inefficiency and corruption, particularly in relation to the legalization of substances like marijuana.

• Allison Rosen expresses frustration: "I just wish the government would work big to small, like, let’s work the school system, let’s work the roads." [14:23]

• Giovanni discusses the hurdles the UFC faces in getting sanctioned in certain cities, attributing it to union interference: "The culinary union started this Attack strategy against the UFC." [10:44]

5. Humor, Sexuality, and Offensive Banter

The hosts engage in humor that includes sexual innuendos and offensive remarks, often crossing into controversial territory.

• Allison Rosen makes light of the podcast’s content with, "Happiness is usually just thought of as a feeling. And if I'm happy, that's my problem." [61:00]

• The group frequently uses explicit language and jokes, such as discussing sensory deprivation tanks and sexual stereotypes.

6. Sensory Deprivation and Personal Experiences

A segment titled "Weed Walk" features discussions about sensory deprivation tanks and their effects.

• Giovanni explains the benefits: "Because you're floating weightless. That's what it feels like."

• Allison Rosen shares her experiences and frustrations with sensory overload, "I use earplugs and a sleep mask because I have my attention problem." [80:23]

7. News Segments with Allison Rosen

Allison Rosen provides various news snippets, ranging from local arrests to product promotions.

• Adam Carolla introduces news like the release of Maxim’s Hot 100 list, while Allison Rosen critiques the inclusion of certain celebrities based on appearance rather than merit.

• The hosts discuss societal issues such as the arrest of a student for excessive tardiness, highlighting potential racial biases and systemic failures in reporting confessions: "If you let one of them run loose, what are you gonna do with the rest of them?" [68:09]

8. Product Promotions and Advertisements

Throughout the episode, there are multiple product promotions interspersed within the discussions.

• Adam Carolla promotes Audible at the beginning, but these segments are excluded from the main content summary as per the instructions.

• Allison Rosen advertises Evoice.com and Scorebig.com, encouraging listeners to use specific promo codes for discounts and ticket purchases.

9. Personal Anecdotes and Relationships

The hosts share personal stories about relationships, divorce, parenting, and social interactions.

• Charlie shares his struggles with divorce and co-parenting, seeking advice on moving past resentment towards his ex-wife.

• Allison Rosen discusses her experiences with aggressive neighbors and managing her children's behavior, adding humor to the narrative.

10. Concluding Remarks

The episode wraps up with more banter, reinforcing the comedic and unfiltered nature of the show. The hosts reiterate upcoming shows, book promotions, and maintain their signature edgy humor.

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Notable Quotes

• Giovanni on Fighter Size: “There’s a size where there’s a point of diminishing returns. Whether it’s 230 or 240, whatever it is.” [02:41]

• Allison Rosen on Stereotypes: “Once zucchini gets too big, it’s no good.” [02:58]

• Allison Rosen on Religion: “Instead of that, they sort of offer you this predetermined pattern of behavior.” [48:13]

• Adam Carolla on Government Corruption: “I just wish the government would work big to small, like, let’s work the school system, let’s work the roads.” [14:23]

• Allison Rosen on Happiness: “Happiness is usually just thought of as a feeling. And if I'm happy, that's my problem.” [61:00]

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Insights and Conclusions

The episode of "Adam Carolla Show" featuring Joe Rogan and Anna David delves into a myriad of topics ranging from sports and physical stereotypes to deeper societal issues like religion and government corruption. The conversational style is unfiltered and often controversial, blending humor with critical commentary. Personal anecdotes add a relatable layer, while frequent product promotions highlight the show's commercial aspects. Overall, the episode maintains an edgy and candid atmosphere, characteristic of "Carolla Classics."

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics. It's a premium only podcast available through Podcast one. You can find the ad free archives for every single episode. And if you'd like to find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as access the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's [e-mail] and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarollo.com now on to the clips. Coming up, first day we have Adam Carolla show episode 830. Joe Rogan, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2012. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello Adam Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day, Bald Brian. That part is not funny. Joe Rogan in studio. Good to see you, Joe.

[Giovanni]

Good to see you as well. You have an announcer. Dude, you built your own fucking studio and you have an announcer.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

You're taking shit to the next level. You're at the peak of the business right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, thank you very much. All right, so Joe, let's talk about you. Let's talk about ufc. Big, big heavyweight card coming up, Junior Del Santo coming up, Frank Mir, Cain Velasquez. I just did that. Nice guy. Just did. Not a tall guy, by the way. Just did that Toyota Celebrity Grand Prix with the guy Cain Velasquez is a 6:1 heavyweight, like in the land of giants. He is not a real tall heavyweight at all.

[Giovanni]

Well, there's two schools of thought about that. One is that there's an advantage in mobility and speed and being a smaller man. That there's a size where there's a point of diminishing returns. Whether it's 230 or 240, whatever it is. There's a side where you get bigger than that, it compromises your gas tank too much. They really can't move as well.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like zucchini. Once zucchini gets too big, it's no good. Its mealing doesn't taste like shit.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't even roll a condom down.

[Allison Rosen]

No. You can't even use it as a demonstration over at the clinic in Santa Monica. Yes. The lesbian can barely get. The old lesbian can barely get the econom over it. I swear to God, squash, if you ever grow a zucchini and you just let it go, it'll just keep going. It'll eventually get 4, 5 inches around 3ft. Yeah, zucchinis will just get weird and big, but you gotta cut em and you got to eat them while they're the right size, otherwise they get weird. Like everything that gets too big gets weird.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Where that phrase he'll grow like a zucchini comes from.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the old adage.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you know that old one?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And yeah, junior, there is that part where you lose your coordination when you get to a certain size. This, by the way, there's a picture of a big zucchini.

[Giovanni]

Wow, that's huge zucchini. That's a big foot for scale right next to Cain Velasquez. That's going to get on the Internet and it's going to be a problem. He's like the perfect size heavyweight in my opinion. I think like 240 is good. He's got an amazing, amazing endurance which is very rare for a heavyweight fighter.

[Allison Rosen]

And what's his name? Dropped out because of steroids?

[Giovanni]

Well, not steroids. It's a testosterone to epitestosterone ratio of 14 to 1.

[Allison Rosen]

Either way, banned substance.

[Giovanni]

Well, they don't know what it is and they believe that he got some sort of a testosterone shot mixed in with an anti inflammatory for some sort of an injury that he was going through and didn't realize how quickly he was gonna get tested and then got tested.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that his excuse or do we believe it?

[Giovanni]

Well, it's his excuse, his excus. And it's also sort of rational, if you think about it. I mean, basically let a guy look, if you have an injury, you have something serious, you can shoot yourself with testosterone and the injury will heal quicker, period. That's a fact. And testosterone therapy, quicker than cortisone, than anything. There's a reason why your body heals itself. It's because of hormones. Hormones are essential in your body, replenishing torn tissue. And a lot of guys, I mean, that's essentially what. When doctors can prescribe certain steroids like Anavar and things along those lines. They prescribe them when people are injured, when they want to help people, especially older folks, people who their body just doesn't produce the right amount of hormones to heal. So it makes sense that if he had an injury and someone was trying to accelerate the healing of that injury, he would allow him to take a banned substance. But it's illegal if they can prove that he took a banned substance.

[Allison Rosen]

But the fact that Alistair Overeene is built like an action figure is a weird.

[Giovanni]

It doesn't even look real.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's kind of. Is that a coincidence? I mean, it doesn't help his case that he looks fucking insane with his shirt off.

[Giovanni]

It doesn't help at all.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's also a thing where it's funny because I was talking about this. I can't remember if it was on this podcast, but there's a little dusting of racism, which is he's a black guy. And when black guys are built like brick shithouses, you go, okay. But when a white guy's built like a brick shit house, you go, he's juicing. When you see Mark McGuire, you go, Mark McGuire's definitely juicing. But when you see Herschel Walker, you don't go, that guy's juicing. You go, that's Herschel Walker. Like he's fucking God given, like you just go, no one ever accused Herschel Walker of juicing. Even though you should, cuz he looks absolutely fucking amazing. But you don't do it. And it's the slight racist. I mean, we're looking at a picture.

[Giovanni]

Of Herschel Walker, Herschel Walker, by the way, at 48 years old, shredded after winning an MMA fight.

[Allison Rosen]

Right now if that was a red haired guy, we would accuse him of juicing. Especially at 48, there's a little element of racism, but it's not racism.

[Giovanni]

I think it's just reality.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe it is. That is the greatest story I have ever heard, Bonaduce. And maybe it's the big cock reality that everyone is I mean, maybe it's just one of those things where it's like, so be it, I'm shredded and have a huge cock.

[Giovanni]

Well, if you go online, the evidence is there. There are some black guys out there that aren't even famous, that have just ridiculously large dicks and they're real.

[Adam Carolla]

Where online are you going?

[Giovanni]

Anywhere you look. Just go. Just go. Just like Little Red Riding Hood. Off on your own.

[Allison Rosen]

I had this theory, but then I abandoned it, which is I used to think that the only reason we thought black guys had big cocks is because we wouldn't let a black guy with an average to small cock into porn. Because we'd be like, hey, listen, the only reason we need a black guy is because he's got a huge dong. So if you got a medium sized dong, you're out.

[Adam Carolla]

Great acting chop.

[Allison Rosen]

So thus the only erect black dong hopefully we'll ever see will be from the safety of our own den. Looking at our computer like, you just don't see a lot of black cock up close in person.

[Giovanni]

The ones you see online are all huge.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? That used to be it used to be my theory.

[Giovanni]

You abandoned it.

[Allison Rosen]

I abandoned it because Dr. Drew set me straight. He said that, you know, folks who come from that part of the world look closer to the equator, their appendages are longer so that they can dissipate.

[Adam Carolla]

Heliochoccus.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. His name is. What's the dude's name?

[Adam Carolla]

Heliococcism.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that brother can fuck. Yeah. Who? Heliococcism.

[Adam Carolla]

I was making a heliotropism joke. Which is where plants grow towards the sun.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Allison Rosen]

So they're pending like, picture an Eskimo. Picture an Eskimo built like a butt plug. Right? Right. They can't, they can't let any of that heat get off. And there's no, it's not like there's no Eskimo named Stretch, right? Super lanky guy, keeps hitting himself head on the igloo. You know, when he's trying to walk into the igloo or wherever they. You know what I'm talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no 6, 7 Eskimo. They're all fucking built like jukebox like fireplace like that. They're not going to let any heat get off them. And then you see the dudes that are the Kenyan dudes and all that, they're all. Everything's long on them. So the cock is basically just reaching for the sun.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right.

[Giovanni]

Makes sense.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. That's right.

[Giovanni]

We've solved it.

[Allison Rosen]

We've solved the riddle.

[Giovanni]

Solved, literally. Super athletes.

[Adam Carolla]

Has anyone stuck with an Eskimo, though, to really confirm?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're gonna have to have sex with a black guy in an Eskimo before we do another podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Do they get the short end of the stick? It does everybody. Nobody even brings up Eskimos. By the way, you're not supposed to say Eskimo. Eskimo is like.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Giovanni]

It's like saying spic.

[Allison Rosen]

What do we say?

[Giovanni]

There's supposed to say Inuit.

[Allison Rosen]

Inuit.

[Giovanni]

Inuit or native population.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really? Wow. Oh, man. And what about the pie?

[Giovanni]

The pie?

[Allison Rosen]

The Eskimo Pie?

[Giovanni]

That's a good question.

[Allison Rosen]

It fucks everything up.

[Giovanni]

That's a. I never even. I forgot about Eskimo Pie. And they're quite delicious.

[Allison Rosen]

When you're rolling on mushrooms tonight, think about the Eskimo Pie being the Inuit pie.

[Giovanni]

What the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

Freak out.

[Giovanni]

I wonder if they get mad at Eskimo Pie.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, the event. They're so delicious. No one could get angry at that. Saturday, May 26th. So you're gonna be there. You're gonna be in. Albert. This thing has Alberta. They've done these things in Canada, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they've done a bunch of them in Canada.

[Allison Rosen]

They were going to do a big one in Rio, right. But they.

[Giovanni]

We've done one in Rio. No, they've done two in Rio. There was going to be 80,000 seat one in a soccer stadium in Rio.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened?

[Giovanni]

Well, the United nations were there in Brazil the two days before the UFC event was scheduled. So there was no hotels available. No nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. That's why it got scrapped.

[Giovanni]

Security would have been problematic because they would have had to fly in the crew, and they need hotel rooms and they need a equipment that has to be set up.

[Allison Rosen]

It's still. It's not sanctioned. I think it's sanctioned. It's not sanctioned in California yet. Is it? Or is it New York?

[Giovanni]

No, New York.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't have it at Madison Square Garden.

[Giovanni]

Right? Exactly. New York is illegal. Connecticut. I think it also has a problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is New York walking away from that kind of money?

[Giovanni]

Because of the unions. Because the culinary union. Because the UFC is owned by the Fertittas. The Fertittas own 21 casinos. 22 casinos, something like that. They own a bunch of casinos, and most of their casinos are non. Union. Union.

[Allison Rosen]

Aha. Oh, is that why they're telling them to fuck off?

[Giovanni]

The culinary union started this Attack strategy against the ufc. And one of the things they're doing is they're lobbying and they're spending a ton of money to keep the UFC from being sanctioned in New York City. And they use. The culinary union, is using it to try to force their fertittas into turning their casinos in Vegas union. It would provide them with, like, an additional $10 million a year in dues, according to Dana White.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's interesting because I know not.

[Giovanni]

If this is true.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're sitting. You know, I'm just sitting around as a guy who enjoys the sport from the cheap seats. And I'm saying, you can't have a UFC fight in Madison Square Garden. I mean, some of the greatest clashes historically have taken place. Probably it's like you being in a band and never playing the Fillmore, CBGB's or something. Like, it's like. Or the Hollywood Bowl. Like, it's like. It's a historic place where guys have been doing combat sports, fighting, boxing for probably since the 30s, the 40s, whenever. Whenever way back. And there's where every. All the biggest fights would take place there. So it seems only fitting that they would then graduate into UFC or evolve into the ufc. And the fact that it's not there makes you kind of go, what the fuck is up? Corruption and corruption. And it's working in all these other places, and nobody's dying, and the jury has returned, and it's as safe a sport as many other sports, so why not let it go? And now I just got my answer.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's corruption. It'll drive you crazy. It's the same reason why pot's illegal. When people are jumping up and down the street and going, what the. Show me the evidence. What the fuck is this? This makes no sense. It's all corruption, 100%.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the thing about pot is, I say to people all the time, I can go down Ventura Boulevard, I can go into the Big five, and I can buy a crossbow, and then I can walk across the street and buy a fifth of tequila. Then I can go to the gas station in between and fill up 5 gallons in a can.

[Giovanni]

And then you go to the Chevy station and buy a Corvette ZR1 with 650 horsepower and a pack of cigarettes.

[Allison Rosen]

And so we understand, we live in a society where if you want a crossbow, you can have a crossbow, and if you want a ZR1, you can have a ZR1. And it's up to you to not go crazy, not to put your kids in there and wrap it around a telephone pole. So the thing about potential, and we can also agree, just like you can eat a hamburger if you like and go to McDonald's, we know it's not great for you, but it's your choice. And that's kind of the beauty of living in this country. And it'll be up to you to not get super high and fly commercial jetliner.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

That'll be up to you. And it'll also be up to you not to get super drunk and do it. Or on prescription pain meds, cold medicine, anything, whatever, whatever it is, don't be impaired. We'll leave that. We'll leave that up to you. I don't know why pot and between gay marriage and pot, Like, I just feel like the first part of my adult life I spent arguing about pot. The second part of my adult life was gay marriage. And eventually I'll just die and my last thoughts will be smoking pot like a gay couple, not being able to get married, ripping a bong load and getting arrested or something. And it's like with so many fucking fish to fry. I just wish the government would work big to small, like, let's work the school system, let's work the roads.

[Giovanni]

Well, you're insinuating the government is actually there to try to govern and take care of things. And I think it's a money grab. I think it's much more of a money grab than anything else. And the governing, the actual people comes secondary. The taking care of social services and the, you know, the infrastructure of the cities, that's all secondary, is the money grab.

[Allison Rosen]

We all know that.

[Giovanni]

But that's the real issue. That's the real problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yeah, we talk about it all the time. The cops, when it comes, it's like.

[Giovanni]

They'Re glorified revenue collectors.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What. What's the only thing that works with a ton of efficiency in the city? And the answer is meter mates. Yeah. Those are the only ones who actually fucking hustle in this in the city. And it's because they're out there collecting revenues. But where does the pot revenue part come in? Everyone says legalize it and tax it and you'd make all this money. First off, every time I hear him say legalize it and tax it, is there that much tax that would come off it that we'd all, you know, living in a utopia?

[Giovanni]

It would certainly have an impact.

[Allison Rosen]

And how are they making money keeping it illegal? Why wouldn't they just legalize it and tax it?

[Giovanni]

There's a bunch of issues the number one issue is the pharmaceutical companies, because there's a bunch of different things that marijuana would cure. There are a bunch of different things that marijuana provides relief from that you have to ordinarily take prescription medication for a lot of things, especially when it comes to eating cannabis. What people don't understand is like, eating cannabis. There's a bunch of different testimonials and videos of people who have kids, have weird forms of social disorders, you know, autism spectrum disorders, and they eat cannabis, they eat hash, and it completely makes them normal kids. There's a lot of different things you can use marijuana for that don't have anything to do with the psychoactive versions of it. There's like. I mean, the reason why it was made illegal in the first place was because of paper. It was because of William Randolph Hearst. He organized the whole thing so he didn't have to because he didn't want to have to compete with hemp. Because, you know, hemp was going to. They were going to have to. He owned not just newspapers, he owned paper mills. And so they were going to have to redo the paper mills and plant hemp. And so being the crazy, fucked up old asshole he was, he decided to just go after this plant and pass this ban on marijuana where these people didn't even know. Congress didn't even know they were making hemp illegal. They thought they were stopping some crazy drug that was forcing Mexicans and black guys to rape white women because that's what was being represented in the newspapers that Hearst owned. Really kind of an amazing scam because it worked in 1935 and it's still rocking today in 2012. I mean, it's really impressive work.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, I gotta tell you, you know, not, not, not to defend them, but Mexicans and black guys, they don't need any motivation to rape white women.

[Giovanni]

Some white women.

[Allison Rosen]

Where are the white women at?

[Giovanni]

Some white women are really hot.

[Allison Rosen]

That's built in. That's what I'm saying. They kind of ask for it by being hot and blonde, wearing their short skirts. People.

[Giovanni]

People want to fuck whether you do or not.

[Allison Rosen]

We got a problem with Eskimos raping white women around.

[Giovanni]

No, Eskimos, man. Inuits.

[Allison Rosen]

What? Oh, yeah, Inuit.

[Giovanni]

Inuit pie.

[Bald Brian]

The ones who do the raping. Rask most is Inuit.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

The name, like Inuit sounds like a technical name for a guy who has under a 75 IQ, if there was any.

[Adam Carolla]

He does, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Like he's an Inuit. He's an Inuit baby.

[Giovanni]

If there was an Inuit. Chris Rock that would be his bit. I love Inuits. I hate Eskimos.

[Allison Rosen]

Inuit sounds like you have to have web toes and have under 75 IQ, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And something going on with your chromosomes.

[Giovanni]

And you just eat raw fish like Gollum.

[Allison Rosen]

And like if you choked a young child, we couldn't give you the death penalty because we would argue that you're Inuit and you did not understand what you were doing to that young child.

[Giovanni]

Did you hear about this guy that got arrested for stitching up his son's butt? His son had a fistula, which I didn't know until today, apparently can mean like a second rectum develops on your body. And so the dad's solution to this was to stitch up his son's second rectum and try to keep it all inside of him.

[Adam Carolla]

That just sounds like good medicine.

[Allison Rosen]

The fistula, by the way, it's the greatest name. Disgusting. I know it is.

[Giovanni]

No confusion, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, who would you rather hang out with? The frenulum or the fistula? To me, the frenulum seems much, much easier going than the fistula.

[Giovanni]

Seems like maybe a little slimy, but probably worn.

[Allison Rosen]

But you could chill with that uvula. Yeah, that's what the loner does. He takes out with the, uh. Scrotum.

[Giovanni]

Scrotum.

[Allison Rosen]

But the fistula, I think, is what is like when the shit is pushing through the muscle and popping out. And so his. His whole thing was he wanted to.

[Giovanni]

Close it instead of going to the doctor. He stitched his son's butthole up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he use any sort of.

[Giovanni]

I don't know. The kid got infected and then he wound up in a hospital for like a month. And they gave the guy like some sort of suspended sentence. I think the guy was just. I think they decided. They must have decided that the guy meant well. He's just an idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time. I mean, that's actually the most racist thing that's been said on this show so far.

[Allison Rosen]

Every time. Every time I hear one of these stories, there's a part of me that's outraged and there's a part of me that goes, my dad never would have taken the time to stitch up my ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even a little super glue.

[Giovanni]

A little jealousy?

[Allison Rosen]

A little bit. I mean, those were calories burnt. You know, there are.

[Giovanni]

There's a broad spectrum of human beings out there. They're all out there.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Giovanni]

Got to look around.

[Allison Rosen]

It is like when you come across your average imbecile. I know I want to say Inuit every time, but, like, you know, when you See these people shame the word. You're like, you're someone who looks bad.

[Giovanni]

When he said with just genuine disdain.

[Allison Rosen]

But you know the thing where you come across that man or that woman and you're living in their world for about four minutes, whether it's checking out of the supermarket or at the DMV or it's in a parking lot, like you're, you enter that person's world for a minute, they're doing something to do with your car or something and you just go, oh, fuck. Like, sometimes it's just general hygiene, other times it's just like the crazy way they wear their hair and pop their gum. Other times you realize their fucking attitude is so horrific. Like some, some TSA bitch who's just the cuntiest C on the planet or something. And then you're getting on a plane and going to Denver, but you go, she's going home and she has four kids and they have to fucking live with this. You know, this is their.

[Adam Carolla]

In a given day where you are doing whatever you normally do, you come across, I don't know, let's say 10 people. What percentage of them did you find? Okay. And what percentage bugged the crap out of you?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, this is the good thing about having some relative success. Because when I was a carpenter and I drove a piece of shit pickup truck and I made nine bucks an hour, if you pass me in a four year old bone stock Toyota Celica, I'd be like, I'd fucking change places with that dude in a heartbeat. Like, that guy's driving a fucking car with air conditioning. And this is awesome. As you start to climb the ladder, your house gets a little higher up in the hills and you get a couple cool cars in your garage and you have opportunities. You're traveling, you're getting paid to do something that you do for free and all that. That group of people who you would switch places with starts getting smaller and smaller and smaller and eventually you have to turn on the TV to find them because you have to go fucking Tom Brady. Probably fucking Gisele Bundchen right now. He's not polishing his Most Valuable player trophy. You do that, but you doing both or doing both? Both. But you don't pass them at the airport anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I'm just wondering how much disdain you have for most people.

[Giovanni]

Oh, do you sense, do you sense this working with him? What do you think?

[Allison Rosen]

What do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I think that the way he talks, it is as if he has a lot of disdain for everyone and judges everyone. But actually, he's more of. In real life, more gentle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's the comedy aspect of it.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel sorry for everybody and would like to treat like I treat every driver. I've treated every driver that's ever picked me up and taken me to or from the airport. Like, hey, what's your name, buddy? Hey, that sounds cool. Let's talk a little sports. Always super friendly with those dudes. And then every once in a blue moon, you get a dicky guy. And then I'm immediately just become a dick. Like, I am just an attitude mirror. Will come right back at you, whatever. If you pushing forward, the how you doing? You'll get the how you doing. If you're pushing forward the dick, you'll immediately get the dick.

[Giovanni]

I'm exactly the same.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't stay with the how you doing? For 10 minutes into you being a dick, I shoot back immediately.

[Adam Carolla]

For me, it takes me a little while to realize the person is being a dick. I mean, unless they're like, off the charts dicky. But I spend more time trying to figure it out. And then, because I don't want to be a jerk to someone if I misjudged their level of jerkiness. Like, are you. Are you able to read that situation very quickly? It sounds like you guys are.

[Giovanni]

Sometimes also, you just will. As a, you know, a person who's funny, you can actually just bring it up and bring it up. Like, you're not saying that, are you?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What are you saying, man? You being mean to me? Like, have you ever had someone be mean to you? Instead of being mean, back going, are you being mean to me? Like, what's going on here? This is weird. Why are you acting like that?

[Allison Rosen]

I have done that. I've sort of said, like, wow, where's this attitude coming from? And I've had it happen where they've gone, sorry, like, I fucking lost my shit. I've also had it, like, I always say, have a fuck off chambered, you know, have one ready, like, at the tip of your tongue. About three weeks. I don't know if you were with us or with Damoshek, but it was about. Or Mike was with us. I mean, tell me if there's any exaggeration here, but it was about three weeks, maybe four weeks after I took over for Stern, and it was a shitty time because we're trying to, you know, everyone's like, oh, taking over for Stern. You know, big, big shoes to fill. And we're trying to find our way. Doing a morning show. Four hours every day, taking over Stern, you know, and at the beginning stages where I was there, I did it.

[Giovanni]

A bunch of times.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So after the show, we went to Kanter's Deli to drown our sorrows in some corned beef or something. And we're just walking through the parking lot, and we're walking right past these two dudes. And right as we pass these two dudes, this one guy just said, stern's better or something. What'd he say, Mike? Exactly what he said.

[Giovanni]

Stern was better.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And I would. I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

No, he said the place said, hey, Adam. Okay. Stern was better. Like, first thing out of his mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

It was close. Either way, Adam, Stern was better.

[Giovanni]

Something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

It's because he's a fucking loser. I guarantee you that guy is not good at anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he.

[Giovanni]

He claimed he was. He's not the champ at anything. He doesn't win at starcraft. He's not good at pool.

[Allison Rosen]

Took about a tenth of a second. I just said, fuck off. Like, I didn't. I was. I was saying fuck off before he got to the end of Stern. And it was funny. The guy turned around and he went, listen, I'm a producer. And I. I'm just saying. I know, because I produce. And I was like. I said, fuck yourself. And he just walked off. He literally tried to answer that he was a producer. Like, that he's gonna offer some constructive.

[Giovanni]

I'm an expert.

[Adam Carolla]

My blood is boiling hearing that story.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm.

[Giovanni]

A general.

[Allison Rosen]

Point is, I would be very upset. I would be. I would be very upset with myself if I was just one. Like. Well, the. The says you. And then walked into the restaurant and then went, I should have.

[Giovanni]

He needed to fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Can a woman pull the fuck off?

[Giovanni]

You can with a dude, especially if the dude's got a gun.

[Allison Rosen]

I was around. I was around. I was around a woman who pulled off a Suck my dick. Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Giovanni]

She learned that from GI Jane.

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is. This is before that.

[Giovanni]

Before Demi Morrison.

[Allison Rosen]

This is in Sun Valley playing, like, some pickup football game at Poly High, like, way back in the day. And, you know, Sun Valley, just a fucking bunch of gang bangers and stuff.

[Giovanni]

Where's Sun Valley?

[Adam Carolla]

Idaho, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Sun Valley.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you that that would.

[Allison Rosen]

Be the greatest coin toss of your life. Like, you wanna spend the summer in Sun Valley, Idaho, or Sun Valley, California? Because it's, like, off of. You know, it's like off of Saddoquoia, you know, that side of Roscoe and Lankershim. It is. Fucking hell. It is Tijuana. And I was like, I don't know. I used to. The other one, I played for the Sun Valley Falcons. I used to be our home team. We played for Poly High. And that was Pol School. And anyway some chick and it was gang bangers and whatever, you know, people yelling at each other and some chick was yelling at some dudes and some dudes were like yelling back. It was like one of those. But something was going to break down at some point. They're like, you, you. We were on this field first. That man go to the girls softball field. We had this field reserved. You. And they're like going back and forth. And at some point the chick was went suck my dick. And like all the guys went like. Like they all started laughing. Like it was like she even grabbed for it like it was gonna be there or something. It broke the tension nicely.

[Bald Brian]

That was impressive.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Allison Rosen]

Have one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, bots 87 or something.

[Giovanni]

When was GI Jane Wayne? GI Jane heard about it from you.

[Allison Rosen]

Talking about it.

[Giovanni]

One of the writers this.

[Allison Rosen]

This pre. Demi Moore. I think this was. I think this is more of the St. Elmo's fire Demi Moore than the GI Jane Demi Moore. That's slightly pudgy Demi Moore.

[Giovanni]

She's kept it facially together better than any other woman.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel that by not expressing herself.

[Giovanni]

It'S a good move.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel not moving her face has.

[Adam Carolla]

Caused tensed her muscles.

[Allison Rosen]

She's not had any crow's feet or anything because she's never. She's never seen expression.

[Giovanni]

She saves it for fucking only when then she's just wild goblin faces with.

[Adam Carolla]

Her neck just different head angles, neck acting.

[Giovanni]

Now she's curious.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think somebody like explained to her like, listen, you sweetie, you move your face too much and you're gonna get something called wrinkles. So just keep it straight because.

[Giovanni]

Well, I don't even think it's that. I think it's probably Botox.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What a lot of. Maybe that they shoot it in. I mean it's a weird thing when you're talking to someone. You realize their forehead's not moving. But it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's more than the forehead. It's the whole face barely moves.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Just crazy. You can get dysmorphia.

[Allison Rosen]

It's. I've always said we're like in this part. It's a weird. You know, so much of life is kind of when you're born. Like, you know, if you think about certain Dudes, they're like certain dudes that are of a certain age that missed World War II. Like, they were too young for World War II and too old for Vietnam. And they fucking missed two pretty shitty events that they could have been shipped off to, you know, they could have been.

[Giovanni]

Korea was in there. How'd that work out?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it only really lasted about a year and it got downgraded to a conflict. And I don't.

[Giovanni]

But conflict.

[Allison Rosen]

But the point is, is there. And maybe then that was like in 1950. So most of the dudes in Korea were. All the. Were just dudes from the end of World War II. But the. The thing about it is, like, you do kind of like if you're born at the wrong time, you could be in the Philippines doing some island hopping at 19, getting fucking shot at by guys making banzai runs in the middle of the night and whatever. I mean, it could be a pret and rice padding da dang or something. Like, you could have some pretty shitty life. Or you could be born sort of in the right time and miss things in life. I think we were born at the wrong time for plastic surgery, because a hundred years from now, they'll have it worked out.

[Giovanni]

I don't think it'll ever be surgery.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever.

[Giovanni]

It'll be genetic engineering.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever it is, they'll have it worked out. Yeah, before this, it didn't exist. We're having to live through this experimental botoxy, plasticky, Joan Rivers Y sort of face and the crazy fake tits and the implants and the scars and the bad this and the bad that we're having to experience.

[Adam Carolla]

We're the guinea pigs.

[Giovanni]

We're the Ford Model T of medicine.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we.

[Giovanni]

When it comes to surgery, cosmetics.

[Adam Carolla]

You might be the Edsel.

[Giovanni]

We're a horse. How about that?

[Allison Rosen]

We need to. We need to go either back 100 years or forward. I feel the same way about CGI. We're having to go right through it.

[Giovanni]

You can't do animals yet. They're not quite there with animals, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So 50 years from now or 20 years from now, CGI will be completely fine.

[Giovanni]

CGI dogs are always fucked up.

[Allison Rosen]

Before this, you'd watch Bullitt and they'd have an actual car chase through the streets of San Francisco. Now we're in this weird kind of. I mean, half the movies I see, I go, is that a fucking cartoon?

[Giovanni]

Not only in a car chase, you're in a car chase with a fucking car with drum brakes. Right in San Francisco.

[Allison Rosen]

And leaf spring suspension and a Straight rear axle and the guy's catching air. And you know, they didn't even pull permits. Like, they're just fucking out of the way.

[Giovanni]

Three in the morning. As soon as it's bright out, film.

[Allison Rosen]

Run and gun sideways around corners. Should we do. I should tell everyone about the Joe Rogan Experience. Great podcast, by the way. Available on iTunes. Joe's website, jorogan.net you can Twitter him at joerogan. Why don't you get ready to do some news and Joe, you just hang out and crack wise the way we do it. Some news. Allison Rosen. Yes, the news with Alison Rosen. Read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Maxim has released its Hot 100 list. They refer to it as the definitive list of the world's most beautiful women. So there's a hundred of them. I will tell you the top five and then some of the other ones that caught my eye. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I will be fine with this list as long as Nicole Richie is not on it. And there's a handful of people that aren't good looking who have the world's greatest publicist that get them fucking shoehorned onto these lists. And I feel like once they get on these lists, they get grandfathered into everyone else's.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you it how it works.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Number five, Olivia Wilde.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, good. Number four, Olivia Wilde. Was she on House? Was that where she started? I gotta tell you, I went. I did Bill Maher show, which Real Time I keep wanting to call Politically Incorrect. I did politically incorrect 250 times. Yes. And I did. And she was on the show and I saw her in real life, and I was like, God, she's stunning. And then she went on there and basically blew away everybody. She must be from Canada. There's got to be something. There's something going on because she's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Rhodes scholar or Oxford educator. Something super intelligent, you know, because, like.

[Allison Rosen]

My answer to things like, you know, illegal immigration or the deficit is that shit's fucked up. And her thing is like, she. She's just throwing statistics, like. And it's. I was like, how's this chick who's so fucking hot know so much. She's got to be from. There's some. It's got to be some story. Like she has her parents that are shakers or Quakers. She's. Or maybe from Canada. Like there's got to be some story. She's not from the Valley.

[Giovanni]

What's really trippy, she's wearing a wedding ring and she's almost naked. Yeah, she's ready to show you her tits. Like, they're like barely hanging on to her nipples. That little thing that she's wearing, it's like a ribbon. It's not really clothes. It's like a ribbing over her nipples. And she's married. But you could look at it. You could look at what that guy gets to.

[Allison Rosen]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you. Are you more turned on by the fact that she's wearing a ring? Are you into matrimonial porn?

[Giovanni]

No. But she's so hot. It doesn't matter. You know, it doesn't matter. She's wearing a ring. She's just hot. If you're gonna beat off, I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

You could do it. I like the cuckolding stuff myself.

[Giovanni]

Beautiful.

[Allison Rosen]

Dude, she told me. No, she told me she just wore the ring so Joe Rogan wouldn't try to fuck her. Yeah, smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Number four. Katy Perry.

[Allison Rosen]

Katy Perry looks like she's thinking about something stupid. You know what I'm saying? Someone's got to tell her eyes that she's to think about. Think smart thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, what do you think she's thinking?

[Allison Rosen]

Just in your head. Don't move your mouth, but in your head. Say indubitably. Constantly. Just over and over. When you're doing a photo shoot and.

[Adam Carolla]

You just get a humor, but you.

[Giovanni]

Doubting that that's hot.

[Allison Rosen]

No, she's hot, but her face is like a little bit confused. She has a little bit of that. She's not. Is she number two or number four?

[Adam Carolla]

She's number four.

[Allison Rosen]

We're going back up. She named top five. We can do better than her. She's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

She is. Okay. Mila Kunis, number three.

[Allison Rosen]

Sarn person the other day. The thing about Mila Kunis is she has that.

[Adam Carolla]

She looks like a bush baby in that photo.

[Allison Rosen]

She has.

[Giovanni]

You could pretend you met her in the Mayan jungles thousands of years ago. And she was wearing feathers around her ankle. And it was the apocalypse was coming. You got to fuck her on the jungle floor.

[Allison Rosen]

I love when the pot talks.

[Giovanni]

Spiders are all over the place, looking out for jaguars.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing, the thing about. I will say this about.

[Giovanni]

Look at that dirty jungle bitch.

[Bald Brian]

Wait, did this happen?

[Giovanni]

See what I'm saying? When did this happen? Probably a thousand B.C. that's what I'm thinking. The height of the Mayan empire. Chichen Itza they haven't even figured out shoes yet. These crazy bitches run around buck ass naked. Hear me?

[Allison Rosen]

At them pubes everywhere.

[Giovanni]

Pubes. Mexicans aren't that hairy.

[Allison Rosen]

Keeping their essence in. That's a good point. So here's Joe. You know this because you've met a lot of these women in person. You've seen a lot with these women. Mila Kunis I saw over at Seth MacFarlane over to family Guy the other day and she was having a bad skin day. So it was like kind of a weird thing. It's kind of made her human. But also she is diminutive. She's a little person in real life. So when you see her in like sweatpants and just sort of standing around in flip flops, there's not much there. She's like a little person. She's one of those people that has that super sexy mouth, that chin with the puffy lips. That zone, that zone that's just like that. It's. It's like, it's. It's like the size of a coffee mug that just goes from the center of your mouth and around. And when that zone is right, it's fucking right.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you have like a Cleveland eye when I looking at you? When I looking at Cleveland. But the zone is right and you're still gonna be high.

[Giovanni]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that zone that. She has the exact same thing that like Angelina Jolie has that zone right there. But when you see her in real.

[Adam Carolla]

Life, she does look cross eyed.

[Allison Rosen]

There's not, there's. When she see her in real life, it's very like kid. Kid sister kind of. Kind of feel. Doesn't feel big to turn it on though. But there's not enough there because she's too short and too thin. And like, there's not. There's no curves. There's no, you know, there's nothing there.

[Giovanni]

I had a thing for wonky eyes for a while. Did you date this girl? Her name was Stephanie. She had a little bit of a wonky eye. She was older than me too. One of the first girls I ever dated that was older than me. So I had a wonky eye thing for a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

But you don't have this anymore?

[Giovanni]

No, I mean, it doesn't disgust me.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't mind.

[Giovanni]

It was like kind of half hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was an odd beauty thing.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Some guys are into it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it does work. But. All right.

[Giovanni]

So wasn't. It wasn't like ridiculous?

[Allison Rosen]

So are we basically saying number three in the world here?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is what Max says. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Number two. Okay, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait for number two.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's what your request was, for a publicist to push something through.

[Adam Carolla]

Number two, Olivia Mun.

[Allison Rosen]

No. 2. Olivia's in the top five.

[Giovanni]

Oh, she's hot as. What are you saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I've been to her house, and yes, that's that code.

[Giovanni]

What does that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

What was our house like?

[Giovanni]

Is there a barn? A mess? What other code are we talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Is it smooth?

[Allison Rosen]

She's. I. I will put it. I will put it to you this way. You know, like, look, when you're in the presence and when you. You show. Like. There are chicks that, like, show up and you go, holy shit. Like, Diana Mendoza. I just did Celebrity Apprentice. Diana Mendoza is like. When she walks in the room and stands next to you, you're like, holy shit. This woman does not possess pores. She's taller than I am.

[Giovanni]

She's a Miss Universe girl.

[Allison Rosen]

She's cut. Here's the thing about these people. They're cut differently. They're narrow. Their necks are, like, really long. They're like. You see Diana Mendoza standing next to you.

[Giovanni]

Is that her?

[Allison Rosen]

I hope so.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Okay. You got to show a better picture, because I think Olivia Munn's hotter than her.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, that's not a good photo of her.

[Adam Carolla]

That is her. Shows her neck.

[Giovanni]

But she is obviously hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me explain my point. You could look at a thousand pictures of each one, and 1,000 guys could look at 1,000 pictures, and you might agree with Olivia Munn. But if she walked into the room and Olivia Munn walked in the room, a thousand guys would say, dan, and my nose is hotter. That's what I'm talking about here.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you seen Olivia Munn in person?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, I saw her just a couple weeks ago. She's dating some guy. That's the new robocop. Very nice, dude. They were at a UFC recently.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's good looking.

[Giovanni]

She's beautiful.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but she's not number two in the world.

[Giovanni]

She's hot as fuck. I don't know what you're talking about. I think she's hot as fuck. I think there's levels of hot.

[Allison Rosen]

There's the Mendoza looking a little bit better.

[Giovanni]

I think that Olivia Mundlettle. It's just different when girls are that hot. They're just different to me, at least.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Giovanni]

I mean, it's very subjective. It's very subjective.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree. But this is not. If you take. Hold on a second. If you take Mila Kunis if you take Mila Kunis, you take Mila Kunis in Diana Mendoza, and you put them in the same room. Ten guys will pick Diana Mendoza. And if there's an 11 that doesn't, I'll beat the fucking shit out of him. That's not. You'll see a little. You'll see a little cute girl that you could have dated in high school.

[Giovanni]

Can do that same pose, like, right next to her and look equally hot, but different. That girl's beautiful as fuck. Don't get me wrong. She's gorgeous.

[Allison Rosen]

But.

[Giovanni]

But Olivia Muniz, too.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I just said number two.

[Adam Carolla]

Number one bar. Raffaelli.

[Allison Rosen]

There you go. Never met her, but her pictures look. Look amazing.

[Giovanni]

Who's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Her pictures look amazing. Now, where's Diana Mendoza on the list?

[Adam Carolla]

If she is anywhere, Diana Mendoza's on this list.

[Giovanni]

You know what's really crazy? When you see a girl that's that hot and they get into porn, she's not. Every now and then, there's a girl that gets into porn, you're like, whoa, that girl is fucking stunning. And it's almost like some. Like, they want to show everybody, like, yeah, I know how hot I am, but look how crazy I am. I'm doing hardcore porn.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there is a what are you doing in porn? Thing. Oh, a lot. And then you're cocking balls are like, hey, buddy, what are you doing asking questions? Fucking jack me off. I'm gonna ask questions. We can talk in the refractory period. You get to the bottom of this. Hey, listen, McGruff, what do you want to do? You want to fucking get a fingerprint, or can we beat off here?

[Giovanni]

Take a bite out of crime.

[Allison Rosen]

Every once in a while, you do get a too hot for porn chick. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here are some others that caught my eye. Amanda Knox, number 92. Amanda Knox. She was in Italy. She was in jail.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, her. Oh, wow.

[Giovanni]

That was the chick that supposedly was involved.

[Allison Rosen]

She was partying in Italy, and she was free.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she was freed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

So she's not guilty.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's not guilty.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Christina Hendricks. Do you guys know who that is?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Voluptuous redheaded woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Maria Menounos, our friend.

[Allison Rosen]

Beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

64. Kristen Bell. 61.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. She's.

[Adam Carolla]

She's tiny.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's tiny. No, that's. That's all I'm saying. If you've seen Maria Menouno's in. In real life and you see Mila Kunis in real life, you're gonna think Maria's much more beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

She's more statuesque.

[Allison Rosen]

Even though she came in lower. It's not even. You don't even have to get into, like, shapes and whatever. It's just there's. There's a lot more there. Mila Kunis is just cute. And you know what it is?

[Giovanni]

Who's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Little people.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Maria Menounos.

[Allison Rosen]

Little people photograph really well. That's why. That's why it works.

[Adam Carolla]

Julianne Hough, 47.

[Allison Rosen]

See, that's the thing about these lists. Like, there's no way Julianne Hough is 45. 44 places under Mila Kunis.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

She's spectacular in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

Zooey Deschanel.

[Giovanni]

How do you know who all these fucking people are?

[Allison Rosen]

I've danced with all of them. How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, how do you guys feel about Zooey Deschanel?

[Giovanni]

Fuck is she.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the new.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is she?

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the new girl?

[Adam Carolla]

She's the new girl, yeah. And she's in those iPhone commercials.

[Giovanni]

What does that mean, the new girl?

[Allison Rosen]

Let me tell you what. She's hot because she's hot. She's hot because regular guys think that they can her. And that's. That's the wrong kind of hot that I don't need. That's pedestrian hot. That's like when a car looks good. Like, you go, I don't like that car. And they go, it's only $40,000. You go, that's a lot of car for $40,000. But really, what. This is unlimited price. That's the thing.

[Giovanni]

Is there any other. Other images of her of this young lady?

[Allison Rosen]

You got to watch tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you got to watch Elf?

[Giovanni]

I don't need to do that. No, I've never saw Elf.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was a good movie, But.

[Giovanni]

I heard it was good. I just haven't seen it. Okay, I still haven't seen Bruno.

[Adam Carolla]

She's not in that. Moving on. The census has released a list of the most religious cities in the US and the least religious cities in the US and the fifth most religious city in the US and as I'm going through, you can think if you can figure out what the most religious cities.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna toss out a wild card one in Las Vegas. Because you think, well, Las Vegas, bunch of fucking strip clubs. I'm not done with my retarded theory. No, but for every yin, there's a yang. Like, every time you open a strip club, you gotta open a church. Like, there's somebody that's gotta be yelling, repent. To these gamblers, But I don't know what they do it by.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, per capita, it's per 100,000 people. And it's people who are religious adherents. So it's not the number of churches, it's the number of people in the metropolitan area who are religious.

[Bald Brian]

Well, my random guess, we someplace in Kansas. Because there's cults everywhere out there.

[Giovanni]

The real problem is it's someplace. And it's not even the full people. It's the people dumb enough to answer these stupid fucking surveys that nobody wants to answer. That's a real problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you get that with a lot of testing. Yeah, testing and radio testing and a lot of fucking people like, hey, we'll give you $10 to spend the entire day watching a bunch of shitty sitcom pilots. Like, I'm in. Like, who the fuck is this person? And then what?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, you pay me.

[Allison Rosen]

You think you're getting Mort Saul in there? Yeah. I mean, you're not getting a great sen. Number one. I would say whatever city Pelican Bay is in because I just pick a prison and figure there's your highest concentration. San Quentin. I'd say that's like the highest concentration of super religious people that have killed other people.

[Adam Carolla]

So number five is Pittsburgh. Number four, Memphis, Tennessee. Number three, Oklahoma City.

[Allison Rosen]

Olivia Munn. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Number two, Birmingham. Number one, Salt Lake City. And then the least religious. The third least religious city is Seattle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The second.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, by the way, that the smartest city or at least whatever yardstick they use. I think they actually do actually use a yardstick to measure smart, because that makes sense. Yeah. The one time they actually use a yardstick because it's yardsticker you're using. No, they use the metric side of the yardstick. That's fucking smart over there. But Seattle is always. They always said that's the smartest city.

[Giovanni]

Very smart city.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'm guessing that the least. The less in the religion department, the more in the intellectual department. We'll find. But keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

You would think. But number two is Tampa, Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I said. And then Portland is the least religious.

[Allison Rosen]

Now it's Portland. Seattle are like perfect when you're working the theme in Tampa.

[Giovanni]

Well, Tampa has.

[Adam Carolla]

Tampa shits on your point.

[Giovanni]

They have a bunch of Scientologists, actually, because it's right next to Clearwater and Clearwater is the Scientologist headquarters. So I would imagine that that's probably a lot of the people answering those things. They're not religious. They're in Scientology. So Interesting. It wouldn't qualify as your traditional religion. That's why Tampa makes sense.

[Allison Rosen]

Joe, you shed light on not only why there's no UFC in Madison Square Garden, but now why Tampa is nestled between Seattle and Portland as the least religious city.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, my folks lived in Clearwater for a while. They lived, like in that whole Scientology community. It was really fascinating.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what are you see my feeling, maybe I'm naive here. I am an atheist, but I do recognize there are certain religions that aren't what I call troublemakers. And then there's other ones that are, like, blowing shit up. And everyone makes fun of the Scientologists. But to me, I take a look at Tom Cruise. He always seems like he's in a good mood. And if he's not riding a mountain bike, he's doing push ups or on the set of a movie. So my thing is sort of like, look, we want a whole. I'm not doing it, but Tom Cruise not robbing any liquor stores. So I don't mind the religions that go, okay, you're empowered and you're working hard and you need to focus and you need to concentrate. Like Buddhism. Like, I'm not into Buddhism, but I've been dragged a couple of those things. And it's like sitting around and chanting and doing all that. I'm like, knock yourselves out. You're not causing any trouble here. I don't have to worry about you. What's wrong with Scientology?

[Giovanni]

Religion can be a placeholder. It can a tool that you can use for success instead of formulating your own philosophy on the world and then going out and attacking it commercially.

[Allison Rosen]

Like what I did with black guy's cocks.

[Giovanni]

Exactly right, exactly. Instead of that, they sort of offer you this predetermined pattern of behavior that you subscribe to. You become a part of a team. You feel empowered. And especially when it comes to Scientology, a lot of what they're preaching is very positive stuff. A lot of what they're preaching is don't let negative thoughts into your brain. Don't be defined by negative experiences from your past. In fact, move forward and only think about positive things and move. Move yourself into a direction where you're not constantly influenced by either negative people or negative thoughts or self defeating things. And sometimes people just need a pattern to follow. And then once they follow that pattern, they become passionate. They believe in it, they'll fight for it. There's fucking people that are like that about Windows software. Fucking Mac, you pussy. They get crazy. People join teams, and then they get really passionate about supporting that team and they get empowered by it.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, I love it when either the drag race guys or the NASCAR guys are getting in a fist fights over Ford versus Mopar.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I've fucking seen that. The Chevy logo and the kids pissing on the Chevy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Hobbs or Calvin Hobbs. Yeah, Calvin is taking a piss on the Chevy or the Ford or the Ford logo. How much must you hate American car companies?

[Giovanni]

Stupid motherfuckers. People are so stupid. Well, of course they're stupid, but it's tribal. It's tribal thinking.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Just an extension of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, but. So even though we always make fun of.

[Giovanni]

Well, we make fun of Scientology because it's training wheels. You don't need it. You know, as an intelligent, independent person, you can formulate your own philosophy and thoughts on the world based on trial and error and experience and education and all this shit.

[Allison Rosen]

But let's just say in the pantheon of retarded religions, doesn't it land under the. Who cares?

[Giovanni]

It's right up there at the top. I had a next door neighbor who was a great guy where I used to live. My neighbor was a super cool guy. And he was a Scientologist.

[Allison Rosen]

And he was a.

[Giovanni]

Just a great neighbor, always friendly. His wife's friendly, his kids are friendly.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the point. Like, so. So be it. So, like, not for you, not for me, but knock yourself out. Being positive.

[Giovanni]

But this is where it's weird. He was. There was a piece of property in the neighborhood that he was looking to buy, and we talked about it. He goes, well, you know, Nancy or whatever the hell her name was is going clear soon, so we're going to need some money for that. And I go, what is that? I go, what's clear? And he goes, well, so we're Scientologists, and when you become clear, you no longer are influenced by anything negative. And I was like, wow. And how much does that cost? And at the time he said it was $50,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

And this is in the. It might have not even been 2000. It might have been like 99, 98.

[Allison Rosen]

Taking your brain and making it a made man.

[Giovanni]

It was really bizarre. What?

[Allison Rosen]

The Internet was gone and there's nothing we can do about it, but wow.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, 50 grand. So that it's not innocuous. It's not completely innocuous.

[Allison Rosen]

It costs a lot of money.

[Giovanni]

There's certain aspects to it that are, you know, it can help people. Like anything social can help some people. Some people just need a place to go.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you'd Went clear. But then you got really pissed off when you're writing the check for 50 grand and then they realize you're not clear. Your fucking hands tremble, you're not a real black belt. Yeah, I'm gonna need a. I'm gonna need a clear guarantee. I'm gonna be like, hey, this douchebag was in front of me and we're at a red and there was no traffic coming and he could have turned right and he didn't. And I fucking laid on my horn, so I want my money back. Because I was definitely not clear in that moment.

[Giovanni]

Well, there is some psychology to a rank system and there's some psychology and there's a reason why they do it in martial arts. They provide different incentives in order to, you know, reach a certain level. You have to hold yourself in a certain way and have a certain amount of character and discipline. And then once you reach the black belt, like, you realize, like, man, you're a black belt. Like you. When you go out there, you better have, you know, the samurai mindset and you better like, have your shit together. So it gives people like the, the motivation to improve being an eagle Scout. So when you become clear, I guess, you know, you just, you say to yourself, like, look, I am fucking clear. Okay? This, this bullshit, this guy giving me the finger on the highway. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't even get in there because I'm clear. Yeah. Self fulfilling prophecy.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I'm not gonna.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Insert myself into their shit bag life because they give me the finger and all sudden we're throwing beer cans at each other as we speed.

[Allison Rosen]

So your parents living out there in Clearwater, water being clear?

[Giovanni]

My parents were in Scientologists, don't get me wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but I mean, they must have been cool being surrounded by them. Right?

[Giovanni]

Well, you know, they just this, It's a nice community. You know, they didn't care. My dad was there for work, you know, and my dad was an architect and there was a bank that he was working for essentially would develop properties.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't have like a bunch of El Caminos up on blocks on their lawn and shit like that. Right.

[Giovanni]

No, that's what I'm saying. I think if you had to look at like people who are motivated and successful across a variety of different cultures, cults, I bet Scientology would be at the top. I think Mormons are also right up there.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to Scientologies.

[Giovanni]

Mormons are also like generally really nice people. I run into a lot of Mormons and they're predominantly very friendly. And that's all you can ask for. If you're fucking sacred writing. And the dance that you have to do and the hop three times in the circle. As long as it makes you more pleasant when I interact with you, I'm all for it.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my point. I don't really care what your rituals are. I'm passing by, you're getting me my eggs or something. And let's just not fuck up this small interaction we're going to have and then we'll both go our separate ways.

[Giovanni]

My wife and I have a couple that we're friends with that used to be Mormon. They kind of gave it up recently, but years ago, we all went out to dinner and we had this higher power conversation. And, you know, they, you know, it was really strange. When you're talking to someone who's all. What they know about the idea of God, and it comes from this one source, and this one source being the Mormon Church and Mormon ideals and the Church of Latter Day Saints, whatever. And when you start asking them about, do you know the origins of the Bible? Do you know that it used to be just told amongst friends for like a thousand years before it was ever actually written down? And then you start going, like, what, what, how long? And you go over, like, the Dead Sea Scrolls and you find out people are devoting their life not to something they necessarily have researched and decided they believe even. It's just an ideology. They just jump on board. And I'm a Mormon, so as Mormons, we gotta. We're gonna be mentors. And I'm Elder. Hi, I'm Elder Mike. Like, we'd go over their house and elders would come over and they're fucking kids and they call themselves, like, Elder Mike and Elder Steve. And they would travel to third World countries and proselytize. Really strange stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta say, that is probably the headiest conversation that Chili's outside of Chatsworth, off of Devonshire Boulevard. Ever experienced like that. Booth had never experienced that brand of convers. Were you. I don't feel like going out with Joe Rogan and talking to him about this would be a good evening.

[Giovanni]

Well, it was fun. I mean, we. It wasn't negative. I didn't. I didn't say, hey, you guys are fucking idiots.

[Adam Carolla]

But now they left Mormon Church, so.

[Giovanni]

It wasn't my fault. They left on their own accord. I don't talk with them enough to. I might have. You know, it wasn't. It was like, what do you do? Like, it's a Higher power. Like, if you. If you don't have a higher power, how do you get up in the morning? That got to be the weird.

[Adam Carolla]

We talk about that. The thing of, like, well, how do you know what's good or bad? How do you. How do you not do bad things? And it's like, to me, I feel like if, you know, need some outside moral code to know what's right or wrong, that freaks me out.

[Giovanni]

Well, you know, treat your brother as yourself. The idea is that we're all alive, living our life through different genetic circumstances, different experiences. But at the soul of when I think of me as me, that's just me, because I'm in this shell. If I was in your shell, I would be you. That we are literally one individual consciousness sharing different identities and bodies. Bodies. That's why we can't even live apart from each other. That's why when you're in prison, the worst thing they could do is put you in solitary. They take you away from other people. It makes you mad because you go crazy because you are literally a part of a superorganism. Just like spores of mold, you don't think of them as individual mold spores.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't make someone turn into a cyst Word.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree. And by the way, my higher power is my wife. Because she'll get. Like, half the people you work with think you're a dick. You know that, right? And I'll go, really?

[Bald Brian]

You better have to know you're a dick.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's see. If I was really a dick, you'd be scared to say that. Oh, boy. Father's Day is coming up. We should give Rogan one of these man grates. What is it? You're going to love this thing curls with it.

[Giovanni]

Is it delicious? What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

It will make your meat delicious.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoa. What is it?

[Giovanni]

Is it great for grilling?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Joe.

[Giovanni]

Because I'm a grilling motherfucker, I'll tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

You have just upped your backyard game to the next level. Cheat that thing up 100%. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America.

[Giovanni]

Joe Rogan has a grill enhancement system.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Yeah. It makes your grilling better. You didn't think grilling could get better.

[Giovanni]

How does it make it better?

[Allison Rosen]

It is a cast iron grill. The problem with grills is a lot of flare ups and a lot of just the actual grill itself isn't that good. This grill stops the flare ups. No more dry meat. And it is like it's scientifically conceived, but also you get that great Steakhouse, cast iron, you know, seared into it. It's that thing you get at the steakhous. Yeah, yeah, 20 bucks. By the way, that thing you're holding.

[Giovanni]

This is like. Seems like it would cost 20 bucks just to ship it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's $80 to ship it, but it's $20 to buy it. That's the point. Go to AdamCarolla.com go to the mangreat [e-mail] do you grill a lot? Yes, and I use that propane or charcoal, man. Great. I've gone to the propane.

[Giovanni]

How dare you.

[Allison Rosen]

As you go back to the charcoal.

[Giovanni]

Automatic transmission as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yes. Turn into a full blown paddle shifter.

[Giovanni]

Paddle shifter.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought about the starting on the thing. I gotta tell you, Joe, I'll tell you what happened.

[Giovanni]

That's what's going. Lump Charcoal's going. And manual transmissions. I miss them both.

[Allison Rosen]

Lump Charcoal is the worst gay porn name ever, by the way. Who you working with? Lump Charcoal, brother. I feel sorry for you. That is bad. Drop. I will say this in my defense. I drove a stick. I always drove a stick. And I always believed everyone needs to drive a stick. And then I started doing morning radio and a morning radio. You leave your house at 5am and it's. I don't care what the weather's like at 5am Your windows are always fucking fogged over. It's always dewy, it's always shitty. You can't see out the back and you have a huge cup of coffee between your window legs. And when you're trying to fucking put the car in reverse and feather the clutch and back down the driveway looking through the defrost. The defroster kicks in when you get to work. Like that's when the rear window is fully defrosted. When I'm getting like. I get out of my car and go, oh look, the window looks wonderful now. But it didn't. It was fucking fogged up the whole way. After about, after about three months of the stick shift and then the coffee between the legs at 5am you go, fuck it, I'm getting an auto automatic. But I got race cars that I race and I shift the shit out of those.

[Giovanni]

Sequential gearbox?

[Allison Rosen]

No, all old school age pattern Datsuns.

[Giovanni]

Nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there's, there's the ones that are the H pattern, meaning first is forward and you drop it down into second. And then every once in a while there's the short shift comp box that has first gear down and second gear up and you literally, literally I race with a piece of white tape that has that shift pattern on it that I literally have to look at the entire race because you don't know how fucking built in to your muscle memory. Going into first and dropping it down into second.

[Giovanni]

That's so silly that they would change that.

[Allison Rosen]

It fucking drives me nuts. But I have a couple cars that have that short whatever comp box in them, and it's not first gear because you rarely ever see first gear when you're on a racetrack. But you'll pull it down and you'll drop it into first gear, and then your back wheels will lock up and you'll be completely fucked up. All right, we need to take a quick break. Oh, I want to talk about this, because I'm thinking about that too.

[Giovanni]

We talked about it last time I was here. We talked about Seattle.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, we talked about you living up in the hills, like Montana and a bear almost eating you.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Colorado.

[Allison Rosen]

Colorado. Eating your pregnant. Your dog by a mountain lion, your pregnant wife, and all that stuff. We need to take a quick break. I think we're gonna do some weed walk. Dawson, you went out. Yeah, I was the stage host at the Earth Day Festival in Santa Barbara. Plenty of stoners out. Plenty of stoners.

[Giovanni]

Fuck. What an awesome town that is.

[Allison Rosen]

That's awesome. I love Santa Barbara.

[Giovanni]

Fuck dog. Where I escaped to Dawson.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we have a little teaser clip. Yeah, we do got a teaser. The. The. The stoner's name is Zippy. Mm. It works better if I plug it in. All right, you plug it in and we'll hear which body part or parts are affected by glaucoma. All of them. All right, so you're gonna ask the question. He's kind of right. And we'll try to provide the answer. Joe Rogan with us. UFC 140, Saturday, May 26, 10pm Eastern. All heavyweights Battle Royale available now. An evening with Adam Carolla and Dennis Prager in San Diego. Over 90 minutes of funny, thought provoking discussion. Happiness is usually just thought of as a feeling. And if I'm happy, that's my problem. No, if you're not happy, it's my problem and everybody else is. And to use your thing about unprotected sex and HIV virus, don't have an unprotected mood. That's the point. That's. That's. That's the perfect analogy. Yes. Put a condom over your brain. Put a condom over your mood. Thank you. Only 4.99 on AdamCola.com or at iTunes and check AdamCarolla.com to find out when Adam and Dennis are coming to your city. Ah, thank you. Yeah, he's right. It's like, when you're unhappy, you fuck with everyone else's mood.

[Giovanni]

That's a great way of putting it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's. Don't have an unprotected mood. Like, don't go out there, you know, wipe the fucking puss off your face and take that shit up the plate of shit that someone put under your nose. Like, you know, those people are like. And they get this. Or they get to just announce. My mom. They get to announce they're just having a bad day. So. All right, so you make everyone else have a shitty day. Knock it the fuck off. How should I know?

[Giovanni]

Are you guys touring together? Are you doing a series of conversations?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we're doing, like, a series of conversations, and it's really fun.

[Bald Brian]

Remember when Guns n Roses and Metallica co. Headlines.

[Giovanni]

Totally like that.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but you're a guy who. You like doing stand up, but you also like different formats. And, you know, and everyone is always like, what are you doing with Dennis Prager? Like, he's a, like, Hasidic Jew, 65 years old. I'm like, that's the point. He's totally different than I am. And that's why I want to be up on stage with them.

[Giovanni]

That's interesting. And how often are you doing this?

[Allison Rosen]

I will probably do about 10 dates over the years. Over the year, and just like, travel around. Cool.

[Giovanni]

And you doing them in comedy clubs?

[Allison Rosen]

Do them in theaters? Theaters, mainly. The people are pretty. Pretty good. We'll sell out, like. Well, we played Redondo. I think we sold out a thousand seater, and then we sold the second show. So it's like, they're. They'll definitely come out for some conversation. And for me, it's fucking like stealing because I'm sitting on a chair share.

[Giovanni]

Isn't that interesting, too? I'm not paying to hear people talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel like it's more his listeners or your listeners who are coming out?

[Allison Rosen]

The theater always says Adam Carolla and Dennis Prager, which so far, you know, he's not in love with, but in any joking way. And it's a little each. I may get a smattering more of applause when we're announced. It's maybe it's about 60, 40, maybe something like that. It's hard to find.

[Giovanni]

Do you have predetermined conversation topics?

[Allison Rosen]

No, we just. We just go. We're just gonna fucking go for it. We're just Gonna go for it.

[Giovanni]

Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

So we're gonna do a little weed walking. Dawson went out to Santa Barbara. Also, I know Fitz Dog's playing a show out in your theater over there, right? Yeah. We got a 200 seat, 1920s historic Carpenteria Theater. Greg Fitzsimmons, An Evening With Tonight.

[Giovanni]

Where's that at?

[Allison Rosen]

In Carpenteria. Carpenteria. Just outside. Tonight, Friday night, 8pM [e-mail] Rogan, you're next. Good times. He's not gonna slum it. All right, let's. Let's play a little weed walking. Now, this is Zippy. This is all one dude. This is all one dude. Good kid. Okay.

[Giovanni]

I think I am going to sandwalking.

[Allison Rosen]

Stoned Mike wants to know if you.

[Giovanni]

Know all the things potheads don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

You are all burnout. It's time for weed walking. Stone down. La la la la la la la. All right. So, Dawson, were you high when you did this? By the way, Dawson, come on, man. Yeah, absolutely. So you talked to Zippy. And what concert was this? This was the Earth Day Festival in Santa Barbara. You will hear Ozo Motley playing in the background. Perfect. Perfect. All right, so here we go. First question.

[Giovanni]

One second.

[Allison Rosen]

This is part of it. It's part of it. If you looked at a clock at 4:20, what number is the little hand on?

[Giovanni]

I say he doesn't know it.

[Allison Rosen]

You say he doesn't know it. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he will know it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to say we'll know it with some labor.

[Bald Brian]

I say no. I say mixes them up.

[Allison Rosen]

He said he flip flops them. Yeah, you're probably right. Okay. You and Brian say no. Alison. I say yes.

[Bald Brian]

They both be on the same number.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait a minute.

[Bald Brian]

On the same number.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoa.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he has it right. He has it right.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

He ain't gonna get this right.

[Allison Rosen]

Here we go.

[Giovanni]

This motherfucker will starve trying to figure this out.

[Allison Rosen]

If you looked at a clock at 4:20, what number is the little hand on? 20.

[Giovanni]

Boom, son. Suck it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so Joe is up 1 0. Here we go. Woody Harrelson, Bill Maher and Willie Nelson each turn two apples into pipes. How many apples do they have between them?

[Giovanni]

There's no fucking way this idiot knows this.

[Allison Rosen]

Bill Maher.

[Giovanni]

I'll throw it all on the table. I'll push it all in.

[Allison Rosen]

And Woody Harrelson. So. So it's three guys. So it's obviously six apples. All right, you say no, no no way.

[Giovanni]

No way.

[Adam Carolla]

This is real. Fool me once, but I'm gonna. I'm gonna say he. I don't know why.

[Giovanni]

Look at his eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. He doesn't know. He doesn't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna say. Doesn't know either, Brian. I bet it's gonna make a move.

[Bald Brian]

Dude, he. He thought the hand was gonna be on the 20, so I'm gonna say no.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. We all say no. Here we go. Woody Harrelson, Bill Maher and Willie Nelson each turn two apples into pipes. How many apples do they have between them? Six.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man.

[Giovanni]

Dude, sandbagging us. He's sandbagging us.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why this pool hustler. That's why we have to play the game. That's why we play the game. The game.

[Giovanni]

Damn it. I thought I was gonna walk through this unscathed.

[Allison Rosen]

Next question.

[Adam Carolla]

On which you took down with you? Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

On which continent will you find Amsterdam?

[Giovanni]

No fucking way. No fucking way.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Joe says no. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You say yes, I say no.

[Bald Brian]

He's gonna name a country.

[Allison Rosen]

He could have been there. He's gonna. All right, here we go. On which continent will you find Amsterdam? Europe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Dirty.

[Giovanni]

Dirty.

[Allison Rosen]

Come back.

[Giovanni]

Stupid motherfucker.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so Allison won. Where are we at? Joe's got one. Allison's got one. Brian, are we over?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I have one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yet.

[Giovanni]

Shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. All right. You guys are all locked up. Here we go. What does DEA stand for?

[Giovanni]

No way. Yes across the board. I'm betting on failure.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. I'm gonna go no on this one, too. There's no.

[Giovanni]

There's no enhancement association.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison says yes. Allison could jump out to commanding lead here. What does DEA stand for? Does Evil Associate.

[Giovanni]

Boom, son.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what's up. All right. So Joe back in lead ace, man on the board. Brian, you're. You're on the board, too, right?

[Giovanni]

You got one now wrapped up.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Giovanni]

Now strong.

[Allison Rosen]

We're heading into the championship rounds here. Let's. Let's go with the next question. Who is on the dime? All right. Joe.

[Giovanni]

No way.

[Adam Carolla]

I also think he doesn't know.

[Allison Rosen]

You say no, he's gonna say Luke Skywalker. This is for all the money, though. So you should disagree. You should disagree. You should. Well, I don't want to tell you how to play weed walking. Of course. You know, it's not my job.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. I'll just.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'll just. Strategically, if you. If he doesn't know, then Joe's going to beat you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank You. I'll say he does know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll say he does know. Just in a desperate attempt to try to get back in the game ball. Brian. I'm going to say he does. You're going to say that too, because this will all be locked up to two. If he does know, there's no way. Who is on the dime? A president. The dime.

[Adam Carolla]

Technically, that's correct, is it not?

[Bald Brian]

Jefferson's on the nickel, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You said Jefferson. Washington was on the nickel.

[Giovanni]

He's a beautiful person.

[Bald Brian]

Either way, you're wrong. Okay, well, no, the dime is Roosevelt, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think it's Eisenhower. Oh, that's impossible. Stone Joe. This is weed walking.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel like he is stoned all the time, this guy?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Zippy, totally.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like with someone who's stoned all the time, you'd expect them to know more. He's an indica, you know, he got.

[Allison Rosen]

The apples, he got the Europe, you know, I mean, you know, it wasn't a complete failure.

[Adam Carolla]

You think the dea, anyone who's into drugs would know that it's the type.

[Giovanni]

Of weed he's smoking. That's an indica kid. That's a kid who likes to smoke OG Kush and just sink into the couch and not think about nothing. Just look at his sneakers and giggle.

[Allison Rosen]

What is the evolved weedist?

[Giovanni]

There's a huge difference between Indica and Sativa. They're completely different plants. Sativa blends are all from, like, tropical climates near the equator where the guys have big dicks. Where the guys have big dicks. They're all from South America. And those are the really heady wheat, and those are the weeds you can't grow in America unless you use indoor growing methods.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like, where's the carb, man? My asshole? Don't, don't know. Keep going.

[Giovanni]

The sativas are more introspective. It makes you think about, like, planets and astronomy and you want to watch like, nature documentaries and think about the world and origins of life. And Indica makes you just giggle and want to eat food and go to sleep. Yeah, Indica is good for your back.

[Allison Rosen]

Too, if you're back. Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So what did I smoke in college?

[Giovanni]

Probably Indica. It's cheaper, higher yield, it's easier to get. It's easier to grow. You can grow it outside in the woods than go on conference camp.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like Sativa.

[Giovanni]

You have to go looking for Sativa. You have to go looking for. And there's a lot of people don't even know the difference. It's a huge difference in the way it impacts you psychoactively. It's much more like zippy.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you smoke it or do you hit the. Whatever. The vaporizer. Vaporizer. And sometimes I do the vaporizer, but.

[Giovanni]

Most of the time I roll joints.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Old school. Yeah, I like that.

[Giovanni]

Joints. They look like cigarettes, too. You can roll joints now and you roll them with rolling machines.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. The only thing I never liked about the joint is when the guy would just be like, rolling, like, hey, man. Because there's. I could never roll a joint, but there's always, like, someone that could roll a joint. They were good at it. And it was like, right up there with the guy who could whistle really loud without putting his hand to his mouth. I couldn't just like, super, like. You had a weird respect for the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm impressed with someone who can even do the, like, taxi call with the two fingers.

[Allison Rosen]

Even that. Yeah, even that.

[Giovanni]

I need two hands.

[Allison Rosen]

Any non Hispanic can do that because that's bred into the Spanish because they're constantly backing over each other. But somebody has to alert the driver. They don't have the backup cameras. But the white guy that does the. Especially with his hands by his side, just. And it's like super ear piercing. Like, what? And I look up to that guy, like, I'm like, you're my hero, man. When a guy can really roll a joint, I'm into it. But then there's that part where he does the full mouth dip where he just goes right. And he's like, all right, man, you want to start? Spark it up. And you're like. You just took that entire thing and slid it through your lips.

[Giovanni]

You're with the inevitable. You're sharing something you're sucking on. So anytime in life, it's okay to do.

[Allison Rosen]

I know maybe this is. Get used to it move. But I don't feel like I need that move.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not going to need the whole mouth move. The licking the end seems enough to.

[Giovanni]

Me, especially when the dude has dreadlocks.

[Allison Rosen]

And then there's the one with the wire that's baked into it. You ever see that one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The rolling paper that has the wire built into it. So it's like you're an old woman at the opera holding that up. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It always seems like a good idea. And I forgot that I ever thought it was.

[Allison Rosen]

So that's exactly what it is. It's a roach clip built into your paper. And you know what's cool? Remember there's things called stones, and instead of the roach clip, you have the stone stone, which is literally just like a ceramic little bead. And you know, you put a flower or pot leaf or something on it and you put glaze on it and just as a hole straight through it, you just stick the joint in the end of it and you smoke it out of the stone. So a bead you can get down. You don't need the roach clip. Use the stone.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like we're teaching you a lot about weed here, Joe Rogan.

[Giovanni]

I did not know this.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, should we do things like.

[Giovanni]

That would break though. Should we do a little cut your legs?

[Allison Rosen]

A little more news before we call the life here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Giovanni]

I'm feeling like a winner.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a website called Sleep like the Dead that has rated a bunch of different types of mattresses for how they perform when you do that other thing on beds besides sleep, have sex. And they have rated air mattresses, memory foam mattresses, water latex and innerspring mattresses. And then they've given them each a grade on whether they're active sex friendly, they're bouncy sex friendly, they allow discretion, they're durable, they allow many positions, they're comfortable, they allow facts to climb max. And their whole bed suitable. And the the only ones that are.

[Allison Rosen]

Stain resistant that would be a good.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing that they didn't judge it on.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a lot of like asshole and jizz in the vicinity. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You need something microbial.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You need something to hose off. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Something that's going to resist infection.

[Adam Carolla]

Hose off.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like none of the beds I've ever owned were hose offable.

[Allison Rosen]

I've always wanted a mattress with a hole in it because I sleep on my stomach. And there's two things that happen in the middle of the night. At some point you're gonna get a boner and it's gonna be like putting a bottle jack underneath you, you know, and not that I got that much bottle jack to deal with, but I mean, it's like getting a boner. When you sleep on your belly, getting a boner's like a fucking kickstand being shoved underneath you, number one. Number two, at some point I'm gonna have to get up and take a piss. And if I just had that hole like it's some. Alright, here's what I'm saying. Remember, you see all these guys with these 10 speed seats now that have this slot in the middle of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what is that for?

[Allison Rosen]

That's where they're cocking balls. So I was like looking at these things going, wait a minute, guys have been sitting on their balls for a hundred years and now in the last five years, somebody figured out a 10 speed seat and went, wait a minute, we don't need to sit on our balls. We'll put a ball train trough in the middle of this thing and put a ball flume in there and you can rest your sack in that while you sit. All the weight goes under your inner thigh. How about a fucking mattress where your dick just went through it? And so if you get a boner A, you get a boner B, if you're feeling a little amorous, lube it up. And C, if you got a piss, let it fly because you just got a little pan under there. The fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

There are women, I think, who sleep on their stomach who would want two cup holders in the chest region. Or it could just be one big oval one for like uniboob, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What about when you're pregnant if you sleep on your floor, Right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do we not have perforated beds?

[Allison Rosen]

I want my mattress with the hole in it. I want a cock going right through there.

[Bald Brian]

As one who had a bedside urinal for quite some time, it's a slippery slope. You learn to love it, but it's a pretty fantastic thing.

[Giovanni]

My friend Matt Serra used to sleep in the gym when he was struggling MMA fighter in a giant five gallon jug next to his bed that he would piss in in the middle of the night because he drank so much water, he would have to get up like four or five times.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

He'd go over his mattress.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine if he had the mattress with the hole in it and, you know, easier for moving. Could be used as a drink holder when you're watching the big game.

[Adam Carolla]

That's something that we discussed on my podcast and I'm gonna bring it here. Do you guys sleep through the night without peeing? Because I get up many, many times in the night to pee.

[Giovanni]

Usually I don't, but. But sometimes I do.

[Allison Rosen]

I will, whatever it is. Like the thing that pisses me off about piss is if I sleep for eight hours, I'll get up a half hour before I'm ready to get up and go take a piss and then I'll sleep for like another half hour. I don't like it right at the end. If. But then there's times when I sleep for five hours. And I still get up and take a piss and it's like, wait a minute, I would have made it through this five hours on any of the. Is there some sort of rule that just says I got to get up and take a piss or the night's not complete? I don't like that. But if I had my orifice and my mattress, I just piss right into that thing that you collect transmission fluid.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently there are some people, though, who close their eyes at night and open them in the morning and that's it. I can't imagine.

[Giovanni]

They're probably dehydrated.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always jealous of those people. And then I'm angry. Here's the guy I don't like. I don't like that. I don't like a guy, right? You go, what'd you dream about? I don't know, I don't have any. Or I just.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember my dreams. I sleep too soundly.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst are these fucking people. Like, you go, man, were you around for that 94 earthquake? That was a doozy. Slept right through it.

[Adam Carolla]

Slept right through it.

[Allison Rosen]

Like somebody was rolling your bed violently. And by the way, it's not like somebody said at some point in the wee hours in the morning someone's going to shake your bed violently. Pay no mind to it. This is not something that happens. It's not like it happens every four months. Months. It's every 10 years, 15 years, somebody's shaking your bed violently and fucking plates are breaking in the kitchen. You just went right on through. Right through. Right the fuck through. Like I could break into your house and rape you and you wouldn't even wake up mid rape. That's what we talking about here.

[Adam Carolla]

To be that well rested.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And I don't want to be. I feel sorry for your fucking kids because fucking Manson and the rest of the gang could all just fucking come in and, you know, crucifixes and blood on the wall and Helter Skelter and you just go, ro.

[Adam Carolla]

But I would want to ask that person, earplugs and a sleep mask or what's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't see the reason. I'm going to answer your question. It's the same way my black cock theory. No earplugs and sleep mask for those people because they're such heavy sleepers they don't need it. I use earplugs and a sleep mask because I have my attention problem. I have my hypervigilance problem. And everything wakes me up and everything bothers me Me. So I put the mask on and I put the earplugs on to try to drown everything out.

[Giovanni]

How come you've never got an isolation tank? We talked about this many years ago at Legends.

[Allison Rosen]

Such an idiot.

[Giovanni]

Why haven't you done something like that?

[Allison Rosen]

You're such an idiot. I got it.

[Giovanni]

But you're not an idiot. It's a weird thing. I know you're fascinated by it, but not into it.

[Allison Rosen]

I am. I'm intrigued. Well, first off, I keep thinking I'm going to build one.

[Giovanni]

You can build one. There's designs online. You can get a cd.

[Allison Rosen]

I want my assistant, Matt.

[Giovanni]

And it'll show you step by step instructions. You could easily build one for you.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't want you anywhere near the tank, by the way, Matt. But I want to fucking. I want to do that isolation.

[Adam Carolla]

He has one in his house. I think Matt Fondelier does.

[Allison Rosen]

He does?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Right? Yes, he does. It was some when. When he and his friends moved into this house. They discovered it was there when he bought it. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on, Matt. Yeah, that's true. I know I never ask you any questions about you. Yes. But I still am now angry that you did not volunteer this because there's no way I'm going to say that's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

When you talk to people you work.

[Giovanni]

With, Adam, there's not very many of them. Can you tell me what it looks like?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, actually.

[Giovanni]

Joe, Is it white plastic?

[Allison Rosen]

It is. And last time you were here, you actually gave me the phone number of your sense depth tank guy. And I've called him and since talked to him about cleaning our tank out so we can use it because we have it, but we still haven't used it.

[Giovanni]

Did I give you the phone number for the installation guy or Crash, who's the guy who owns the float lab in Venice?

[Allison Rosen]

All I know is I was on that phone with that guy for like 45 minutes. That's crappy. He was literally like, you can ask me anything, I'm available. Daytime, nighttime.

[Giovanni]

He doesn't even have a cell phone. Just answers the phone at the float lab and that's it.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a sleeping machine.

[Giovanni]

Well, he's a psycho genius who's created the greatest flotation tanks known to man. Like there's like. He's got like. They're like Bentleys. You know, you just look at a Bentley and going, well, I see why this is so expensive. Look, it's all hand designed. It's so solid. It weighs a thousand pounds. All the other sensory depth Tanks are like flimsy plastic. This guy uses these modular steel covered walls that he drills like screws in with Allen wrenches. And they all fit perfectly together. And the. The liner, instead of being a waterbed liner, is what you use for a koi pond that has rocks on it. Big, thick fucking rubber that's never gonna burn out. It has the best heaters and it's all shot through ozone, so it kills everything that's in the water. It's really high tech shit. And my system, they actually have to update it in the next couple of weeks because they have a new, even better purification system with a smaller micron filter and higher ozone content that gets shot through the water. And they went from 800 pounds of salt to a thousand pounds of salt. It's really incredible.

[Allison Rosen]

How often do you hit your tank?

[Giovanni]

All the time. All the time. Whenever I'm thinking about something, whenever I have anything on my mind, whenever I just want to just make it, it has to be once every couple of days in order to balance.

[Allison Rosen]

How long do you think?

[Giovanni]

A couple hours.

[Allison Rosen]

Why? When you have something on your mind.

[Giovanni]

Because it's the best time to think. When you're thinking, anytime you're talking or having a conversation, or you're just sitting down, you're dealing with sensory overload. There's always things going on. There's noises outside. There's a TV in the backgr. You've got kids, you hear them. You hear things in your house. You're never in a place where there's no sensory input, like we're having this conversation. You have a sensory depth tank here. This is a silent room. There's a reason why it's silent. You don't want to hear all the bullshit that's outside. So you've built these walls and you've got a door to try to literally keep sensory input out. Well, your mind is constantly taking in sensory input from your butt, telling you that you're in a chair to your feet, touching shoes to your clothes, on your body when you're in that tank. There's none of that. There's no thinking or there's no. Rather there's no feeling, there's no hearing, there's no seeing. It's only thinking. You're in water that covers your ears. Your ears are literally underwater. You're floating in water that's the same temperature as your skin. So you're not even feeling the water. The water. You're floating weightless. That's what it feels like. And that is trippy in and of itself. Because you start feeling like once you get really comfortable and relaxed, you feel like you're flying in space. You start having these crazy visions of flying space. In space. Because your brain doesn't know what the fuck to do when nothing's coming in. Because it's not designed to ever have nothing. Even when you're in bed, you got a pillow, you feel your arm under you, you shift your weight, you pull the blankets up, your cock goes into the hole.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right. Hold on.

[Giovanni]

This is the only environment in the world, Gary.

[Allison Rosen]

What's. What's nothing coming in feel like?

[Bald Brian]

The best part is he got up to the mic.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Oh, and he had earnest look on his face.

[Giovanni]

At least he walked away and answered it.

[Allison Rosen]

Matt, listen to me.

[Giovanni]

Get one of those.

[Allison Rosen]

I want one of these sensory deprivation tanks.

[Giovanni]

You can either build one or you can talk to Crash. Cause he makes the best.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to talk to Crash.

[Adam Carolla]

And then let's put money on how long you'll be able to stay in there.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to get. Listen, I know what's going to happen. At some point, I'm going to feel a vacuum bumping into it. I'm going to fucking open it and I'm going to have my maid standing there. And I go, why the fuck you have to start in this room? What's going. And then I'm gonna be naked. I'm gonna be having weird lemon wedges floating in the basement.

[Giovanni]

Mine's in the basement. It's a wine cellar that I converted into an isolation tank room.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, man.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. So when you go down the basement, it's just down the stairs under the house. Under. It's a real basement also.

[Allison Rosen]

It's great once you have one. It's great too, because, like, when your mom calls, you don't want to talk to her. And, like, pick up the phone instead of doing that thing with your wife. Joe's in the tank. And it's like, no one's gonna go, well, go fucking get him, would you? It's important. Like, once Joe's in the tank, no one comes in after Joe. Right?

[Giovanni]

I always offer people to go in, like, go ahead, give it a try. But no one ever comes over the house and goes in.

[Bald Brian]

So I went to this place down in Venice on Joe's recommendation. I went down there and tried it out. I'm glad I did it. I'm very glad I did. It was good. The one thing that bothered me. And you tell me if you ever experienced this. Obviously I don't think you Have. Have. You float. Everything said is 100% correct. You float. It's the temperature. You're silent, there's no light, but you float to such a degree that you're bumping into the top and the bottom.

[Giovanni]

No, that's because you're moving. If you stop moving, this is what you do when you're lying in there. You take your two finger, your two index fingers and you center yourself on the wall. And then once you center yourself on the wall, then you take deep breaths. And then you let your hands go limp. When you let your hands go limp, you will stop moving.

[Allison Rosen]

Because the salt.

[Bald Brian]

I drifted?

[Giovanni]

No, no, no. Because you climb it. Well, you climb in, you making it all splishy, sploshy. You know, there's a lot of water in there. There's 11 inches of water. It's nine feet long, it's four and a half feet wide. So when you get in there, when you lie down, you're going to slowly bump into the walls. Just because you've created all these waves and you sit.

[Allison Rosen]

Will the salt prevent you from moving once you steady yourself?

[Giovanni]

No, it'll just make you float. It won't prevent you from moving, but you're not going to move. It's not going to be. It's impossible to have it off balance. It's not like you can have an isolation tank on a fucking hill. I mean, it has to be balanced out. That's part of the whole solution situation. Putting a tank in needs to be a flat surface and then you'll just.

[Allison Rosen]

So the water will level itself no matter what.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying. Like when you're floating off completely, you're floating completely level. You shouldn't be moving at all. It's just a matter of centering yourself. And it's real simple. You just use your index finger by your side of two hands and you just touch the wall. And then get yourself settled, wait till the waves stop and then you let your hands go limp. And then you travel. And pot brownies, that's the key. One minute, just take. You need an hour and 20 minutes from the time you take it. Expect an hour and 20 minutes in is when it gets real slippery. So especially when you go to these pot stores that have like 5x and 3x. No one knows what the fuck X means, but when you get to like 5x, and those are crazy. Like those are like really potent drinks, drugs. And you're taking a pot cookie and you get in one of those tanks, you will have something that rivals the greatest psychedelic experiences that men have ever known. And it's real simple, very accessible. You will have fucking beyond introspective thoughts and visions and hallucinations.

[Adam Carolla]

Who here doesn't want that?

[Giovanni]

I gotta tell you, Biology will not want that. It's amazing.

[Allison Rosen]

I got to tell you, ever since I had kids, I got into red wine and away from weed because the weed makes me paranoid. Like, not paranoid, but it makes me think about who's paying for college and hope the car's safe. And that gets me up in my head a little bit. Whereas the wine is a numbing kind of a thing. Whereas the weed sort of heightens it. Like, the heightened part is cool. But also. Also, as my responsibility has gone up in life, the more I acquire and the more life requires out of me, the less high I want to get and the more numb I want to get. You know what I'm saying? So it's like when I was just living with three dudes in an apartment, I was like, fuck it. Let's get high. Only thing I own is a pickup truck, and it's 800 bucks. There's nothing to think about. And now. Now I think about my twins and my wife and my life and my mortgage and my employees and all that kind of thing. I was bullshitting about the employees. Well, I think about my assistant, Matt, the porcelain punisher. By the way, I had a conversation with Bodie Stroud today about Jay being gone and left with you. He builds a bunch of custom cars, and I was dropping some shit off for him in Sun Valley. He's like, jay's gone. Just Matt, huh? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, sorry. I was like, yeah, it's gonna be rough. Yeah. We got Rob back here. He's helping out. That's true. Picking up the slack.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. When you're talking about wanting to just dull the nerves and the weird feelings and everything down. I know what you're talking about. I like both. I like that, too. I like getting. I like getting buzzed. I like wine. I like, you know, sitting in front of tv, drinking a nice bottle of wine, watching a good movie or something. Chilling out. I like that, too.

[Allison Rosen]

I like sitting, examining, I think.

[Giovanni]

I think alcohol is a beautiful drug.

[Allison Rosen]

I do, too, because I feel like I do enough exploring and enough examining during my waking hours, that when it's time to get my buzz on, I want to just fucking drift off somewhere.

[Giovanni]

I do, too. But I also. I like to go deep. I like to get scared. I like to be fucking terrified of everything. I like to get so high that I'm absolutely petrified of life itself, of my own body, of the fucking fact that we're floating through space, of asteroids and diseases.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm freaking out.

[Giovanni]

And just the inevitable end of your body. I like to freak out about all that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't get there without drugs even.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but you can't get where I'm going. You can't get where I'm going in that isolation tank. On a pot brownie.

[Allison Rosen]

Get in that isolation tank. You're not getting there.

[Giovanni]

You're not getting there. There's no way. If you are, we would talk about it.

[Allison Rosen]

I promise I will get that. I'm going to skate. I'm feeling like I got a contact high. I'm going to shift gears. E Voice. It's like getting an entire team to help run your business. Brian, you've been in an isolation tank.

[Bald Brian]

You also have Evoice free of all external voicemail stimulus.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's right. Voicemails are transcribed into easy to read emails or text. No more listening to the long winded messages.

[Bald Brian]

We all have people trying to avoid on voicemail or just on the phone. You know what I'm saying? Just get what they have to say on the phone.

[Giovanni]

I used to have that. There was an application that you get for BlackBerry that used to do that, but they went under.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, now you got E Voice, baby. I'll tell you how to do it.

[Giovanni]

Set it up on my phone.

[Allison Rosen]

Click the evoice banner on AdamCarolla.com or go to evoice.com Adam and sign up for six months, Joe.

[Giovanni]

Six months.

[Allison Rosen]

Fucking meteor is going to collide with the planet before then.

[Giovanni]

Probably December 21, 2012.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Check the Mayan calendar, fool. Six months free trial. Evoice slash Adam. All right, let's bring it. Let's bring it home. Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sipping it. Cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the news with Allison Rich.

[Giovanni]

That's the best ending in the news ever.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a great sign off, right?

[Giovanni]

I love it.

[Allison Rosen]

The beauty of the podcast.

[Giovanni]

I know, Isn't it amazing? Joe, you're gonna whatever you want.

[Allison Rosen]

You're gonna be building out some new studio space for your podcast.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we're looking right now. It's. I'm looking near me. You know, I'm out in the West Valley. So we're looking out for different types of warehouse space and office space.

[Allison Rosen]

And we'll do the book plate thing. By the way, we'll send you you that signed book plate. I have to sign 3,000 of these. Joe, it is endless.

[Giovanni]

What are they?

[Allison Rosen]

They're book plates.

[Giovanni]

What's that mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I signed them. I didn't know what one was either. I sign it and you stick it to the inside of your book. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla with Joe Rogan. Allison Rosen. You can't do it in a tank. And bald Brian saying, mahalo.

[Giovanni]

I love Inuits. I hate Eskimo Mo's. All right, this is Adam K Show 830 with Joe Rogan in studio. Up next, we have adam K Show 834 with Anna David, Teresa Strasser, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day, Teresa Strasser.

[Anna David]

Good day, Adam Crow.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day, Alice and Rosa.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day. Ball Brian. All right. That dude's got money. Like I'm blowing him. Yeah, yeah. Just got back from the dinosaur museum with Sonny. It's important we bond. Mm.

[Bald Brian]

Not a waste of his time.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's having a good old time. He loves himself some museums. And Mike and I had a nice chuckle. Mike lynch and I did, because he called while I was driving Sonny in because he's, you know, dining dinosaur. He's got dinosaur in the brain, man. He's nuts with the dinosaurs and the trains, but really it's all like animals, dinosaurs, and especially the cool animals, you know, not so interested in, you know, sea slugs, but loves the T. Rex and all that. And then Mike chuckled and said, well, it's a good thing you. You beat that gender training into him early and often as a young lad. And I said, yeah, it worked on the girl too, because she's getting her fingernails done right now. And. Yeah, yeah. And this notion that was. It was spoon fed to everybody, at least if you're a child of the 70s, that, hey, everyone just sort of starts off as a blank canvas and then society and. Or the man comes in and starts painting on it. And for a gun, we give them to a boy. And the trains we give to the boys and the little girls, we give them dollies. But if you gave a boy a little dolly, he'd beat the shit out of you with it.

[Anna David]

By the way, if you don't let your little boy. Boy have guns, they'll take some duplos.

[Allison Rosen]

And turn it into a gun. If you want to freak out my son, all you have to do is chase him around with something pink and like Threaten to smear it on him like he is. Just, fuck it. I want a dinosaur. And my daughter's like, feh with your dinosaurs. I'm hanging out, getting a cuticle push. And nobody talked to him about it. That's how they are. That's how they were. That's how they always were. And as I say to everyone, how do you think it got this way if that's how it wasn't supposed to be? Would it? Things that don't work, don't take. Like when you try to get somebody, it's like, I always talk about, like, the stereotype where I go, oh, man, how about how slow those German guys drive? Huh? Huh? Huh? Anybody? Huh? It doesn't leave the room because no one goes, hey, that's good. Yeah, I'm gonna take that and I'm gonna spread it around in my friend.

[Bald Brian]

Those Kenyans always finishing last in marathons.

[Anna David]

That Colin Shepard hunt, as they say.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. If I said, like, a stitch in time saves nothing, no one would go home and go, I gotta share that with my spouse. They'd go, what the fuck is he talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

When you say, a stitch in time saves nine, I feel like a lot of people are like, what does that really mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, speaking of that. Oh, really? Really?

[Anna David]

Yeah, I do, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, fine.

[Anna David]

Measure twice, cut once is more your speed, young people.

[Allison Rosen]

I had. I don't know what you're talking about. I had the. Well, it is. It's a. I don't know, subjective.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine stitches.

[Allison Rosen]

Nine stitches. Yeah. But it takes a while to realize. Maybe my German reference with the 9 thing muddied it a little bit earlier. I had my. I had my. My wife's friend Jody was smart girl. I used to think. So was over. And somehow Lynette whipped out my new book and said, turn it over and see if you get it, Jody. And that's like. You can't present it as see if you get it because now it's kind of on. But she looked at it and she read the back and something. I'll paraphrase, because it's not in front of me, but picture of me holding the carpenter's level and wearing my tool bags from back in the day. And it says, back in the day, Adam was a carpenter. Carpenter. Just like Jesus, except for he didn't gouge the elderly. That part is not funny. And she looked at it and she was like, I don't get it, but I'm Jewish. And I was like, right, but just Jesus. And then at some point, she, like, dug Herself in. She was like, if it was Mother Teresa, I would get the joke, but Jesus. And I was like, the jury's out on Jesus. And she's like, like, I don't know what he was up to. Like, I don't know if there's some stories in the Bible I said about him gouging the elderly. Do you think there's a joke about a joke? Do you think there's a story about how he used to gouge the elderly before he started saving whores? And he was like, I don't know. I didn't look. I didn't see. I don't know the Bible. That's the thing. And I'm like, okay, I don't know. The. You don't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

You're always doing biblical material.

[Anna David]

Adam I'm pretty sure, though, that he also didn't drowned kittens.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. I don't know. I cannot tell you how many people have said either. I'm just not a theologian. Like, I did not. I'm not a biblical scholar. So I don't know what Jesus was up to. I mean, I'm sure he had to.

[Adam Carolla]

So I can't possibly understand your jokes. Adam Caroll.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's basically like, oh, you want to know? Like, he could have just been a hellraiser in high school and we didn't know about this.

[Adam Carolla]

He's always been nice to me, but I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

But then. Then as you distill everything down, sort of that thing where I always say, like, when I have that conversation with dumb chicks and you talk to some chick, and she was like, I was runner up Miss Arkansas 1991. And you go, I was runner up 93. And they go, really? You go, yes, really? No, how could it be? Of course no. It's impossible. By the way, if I just left very quickly after seeing that, you. You just think I was completely insane. Or you'd be like, that guy's a huge liar. He doesn't even let dudes into that competition.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what he won, but he thinks it was.

[Allison Rosen]

But this is even worse because you know there's a joke coming. You know there's supposed to be. I said to her, she's a Jon Stewart fan. I said, if you're looking at the back of Jon Stewart's book, you would expect that there would be a joke, that you wouldn't have to go scour the Bible in order to get the joke.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need to gloss the. The Joke.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Anna David]

This controversy hasn't died down at all since they last.

[Allison Rosen]

Not at all.

[Anna David]

It's burning hotter than ever somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an eternal flame, like the Bengals song.

[Allison Rosen]

Boy, Jesus got to get a new publicist. Because I got to tell you, everyone is like, I don't know what he was up to. Like, I don't know if there's some story that we don't know about, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, though? They're willing to insult Jesus to save your feelings.

[Allison Rosen]

So that's a. It does feel good to feel, to be better in their mind than Jesus. But like I said, it's funny because she said, like. Well, if you said, like, Mother Teresa, yeah, you'd know the joke. But this is Jesus.

[Anna David]

So his approval rating, which you thought was hovering around 90%, I thought it would be much lower.

[Allison Rosen]

It turns out. It turns out. We don't know. Like, we want to see this guy's high school yearbook and see what people wrote in it, especially, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Facebook wall.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I want to see. You can wail against it if you like. I'm just saying there's a lot of, like, I don't know what this dude was up to before the good years. We only hear about the salad days of Jesus. Who knows? Who knows what he did? He could be reformed as a young contractor, could have been ripping off the elderly.

[Adam Carolla]

He could have found himself.

[Anna David]

Did you enjoy the museum?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I enjoyed the smell of it, which, because I haven't been to a museum, I hope you're sitting down for many years. And then also, I forgot how cool it was. I don't mean cool interesting. I mean cool like all that marble tile as you go into those dioramas. Like, with the Africa thing, it's always dark, and it is. I don't know. It's one of those things.

[Bald Brian]

Of course it is.

[Allison Rosen]

You see the elephants and the hyenas and everything. And so the whole place is dimly lit, so that the dioramas, I guess is what they. They'd be called, would be well lit and for some reason. And it's much cooler than the rest of the museum. I think it might have something to do with preserving whatever stuffed animals they have there. But it's cool. It's dimly lit, and it's got that sort of cool tile. Everything is like, the. Has, like, brass railing and stuff. Like, if it's a hot summer day and you want to beat the heat, get out of it and go just stand in the museum. It's like, it's Always cool in there.

[Anna David]

And do what everyone goes to museums to do. So smell it.

[Allison Rosen]

Beat the heat and smell it. And so Sunny was going berserk with the. With the giant whale bones and the T. Rex bones and all the good. All the good shit, and I just, you know, the patience of the people that dig that shit up. By the way, this is what not getting laid will do for you. You will. You will painstakingly, you and a group of other folks who don't get laid, with the agreement that none of us will fuck each other so we can get some work done. We'll dig up each bone and, like, clean it with a toothbrush and then assemble the entire fucking thing. I mean, it's just what I'm learning.

[Anna David]

Archaeologists never have sex. And what I learned from Allison is architects are evil.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. Architects are evil, and archaeologists never have sex. All right, so tell me if this makes me a bad guy. Go ahead, Brian. Play. When you're snarky things. I double dare you. You know those people that are good people, but they're there to annoy, and they take in the department of sort of why you want to like them. It's always one step forward, two steps back, and then you feel bad for not liking them or yelling at them when they're doing something nice for you. But it's sort of that equivalent of when you get to the stop sign and there's the old guy on the other side, and you go, yeah, go ahead, pops. And he goes, no, no, no, you go ahead. And he goes, no, no, you go. And somewhere around the fourth time, you're like, hey, yo. Fuck, I'm gonna break every bone in your fucking body, fucking shake your ass. And you realize all he's doing is sort of being overly polite, but you want to fucking choke the life out.

[Adam Carolla]

Of him or the person who holds the door open for you, and you're, like, so far away that then you have to hustle to get to the door, and it's awkward, and you have to make eye contact the whole time.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's the super friendly other occupant in your elevator with you? They're like, you get on. You hit the floor, and then they get on, and then all of a sudden, they just become Carlton the doorman for the world. They're, like, holding the door, and they're like, hey, buddy, I was on this before you. When did you turn into fucking Sir Sir Walter Raleigh over here? Letting people aren't even the building. You're, like, holding a fucking. We didn't by the way, we didn't agree to this. I didn't agree to this. So Dr. Bruce is sort of that way. Like he's a lovable guy, but he's a fuck up and he's always like sort of showing up at the wrong time and making no resveratrol stuff. My buddy Ray. You want to about talk about like how to annoy sat. No, my birthday is on Sunday and at. And I don't know why I got to get technical about it, but at 8:57 there's a knock on the door and look, the mace the Sunday morning, you know, Mason Dixon line is 10am 9. If you know the guy's like a big jogger or something. But you don't go pre nine on, on a Sunday morning. And also it's confusing for me because I have a gate. So there's a handful of people who know the combination. So it could only be a few people or it could just be some maniac. Like the knock on my door is confusing because my door you cannot just walk up to. So if there's a knock on the door, it's not like ah, some black kids selling candles. It's like who invited who is here? Is that my mom? Like who is that? You know, so there's the knock on the door. Then of course Molly starts barking. And then Lynette's like, who is. Who's it that? Who is that? I don't know who that is. I'm in bed, she's in bed. Then you do it pisses chicks off when they have to get the bathrobe on and they don't like not being put together and answering the door. But she was kind of up already, or not really up up, but on her feet. And I was in bed, my underpants with a half boner, you know, like I don't know what that is. And then it's Ray, happy birthday buddy. And it's like it's Sunday morning and it's before nine. It's so sweet I want to start stab him with a fucking pencil in the neck. And I was like, okay Ray, you know, And I was like, I was like hand him my cup of coffee. And I was like, well, why you? And it's like again, he kind of knows what he's doing.

[Bald Brian]

Is this a tradition?

[Allison Rosen]

Does he do this every year?

[Anna David]

Is there any precedent for this?

[Allison Rosen]

No. And he also knows that Lynette and I are pretty good at sleeping in on a Sunday. And you know, so he's over and he kind of Comes barging in, and he does that. Listen, I'm not gonna take any 10. I'm just. You know, Lynette answered the door. I'm gonna. And then he pauses and goes, happy birthday, buddy. And then he goes, somebody thought you're 50. But I straightened him out. And I was like, thanks, douche. And all it did was serve to put me over the top of the pissed off department. I don't know why you had to share that with me, but all right, I'm glad you straightened that out. So he dropped off, and then I was like, kind of yelling at him while he was leaving, like, get the fuck out of here. Fucking. What the fuck? Why don't you sitcom come over at noon or something, would you? It's fucking skippy.

[Anna David]

This entire thing is horrible. He makes himself the hero of the story because he straightened the guy out for thinking you were 50, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So he. So he. He. He drops his. So he drops the pie off. And then, like, Lynette's like, take it easy. Take it easy on it. He just. He was just dropping the pie off. Like, he's just putting it on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Front steps and dropping an insult off.

[Allison Rosen]

But I. I was like, yeah, I was like, well, he just. But he knocked on the door. Yeah, he just did the, like, super confusing. I'm putting the pie on the front step, and then I'm leaving, which is almost worse. It's like those ass wipes who honk the horn after you shut the front door when they're saying goodbye. You know those dick wipes, they pull down the driveway and go, all right, see you later. And then you walk in the house and you shut the door. Then you hear like, toot, toot. And you go, huh? When you forget his travel model, he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Calling you back to let you know I'm hanging up.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you walk out, and then they're going down. You see their tail lights. You're like, whoops, what the fuck's the toot? The embrace and the wave at the front. Not enough. Your car had to say bye to me.

[Adam Carolla]

It had grown attached.

[Allison Rosen]

I may said bye. But what about the Prius?

[Anna David]

You know, like, who are the electric cars are sensitive.

[Allison Rosen]

Who is the toot Toot. Like, how. How congenial can you be to actually do the. And all it does is serve to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it crosses into no longer congenial.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I always double back. Because my back is always. And I'm going in the house, and then I always double back to go, why is that person honking did they forget something?

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's what they would do if they wanted to get you back out, right?

[Anna David]

Or they ran over your cat.

[Allison Rosen]

You're ruining it for all the people that run over people's cats. Because now I hear the toot toot, and I go, fuck that guy. I'm out of here. Fuck that cat. I gotta feed whiskers. That's right. So I'm pissed at Ray, but then I'm trying not to be pissed, but then I realize this is what those guys do. This is what Ray and Dr. Bruce do. They do those little things. And so he split and he left the pie. And I went over. I went over Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons rented a place by the beach and Jimmy and cousin Sal. It was actually nice. It was just Jimmy, Bill Simmons, me cousin Sal, and the wives were all there with the dog. By the way, I got the only fucking lab in the world that won't go near water. Best thing to do with a dog is chuck that tennis ball into the ocean and have the dog, you know, and then they, you know, they go bounding off into it and they go and they grab it and then they come back and they drop it at your feet, and then they bark at the ball, you know, because they want it to go again, you know? And Bill's got this great dog where he's chucking the thing and Molly's just pussing out under the pylons, you know, just sitting there under the porch of the house in the shade. Will not go near the water. But went there, got my buzz on, spent some quality time with Bill and. And Ace, man, have some skinny girl margarita mix.

[Anna David]

Please tell me that's what he drinks.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I know when I drink some mix. Ya. Between Robert Kraft urine and Tom Brady's blood go packs. So no, I got hold of the skinny girl margarita mix, and then Jimmy brought a thing of tequila.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you have to go to Bethenny Frankel book reading.

[Allison Rosen]

I did. I put a supercharger on that bad boy. Okay, for saying that. I was like, I dump a little the skinny girl in there. And then got some of Jimmy's Patron and just gave it a nice, nice topping off.

[Anna David]

I'm not mad at the skinny girl. I think that's a smart idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, smart.

[Anna David]

I got a little scared for skinny.

[Bald Brian]

Girls or those who want to be.

[Anna David]

Right after your Jill Zarin story.

[Allison Rosen]

I felt like that fat racist next to it. And I went, no, no, I'm going with. With the gay one. It was. That's all they had was the skinny girl one.

[Anna David]

Let me ask you this on a brief diversion. Bethany, Skinny girl reached out to me last week out of nowhere. Never met her, never had any dealings with her. She wants to meet and have coffee and pick my brain.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, I know. Yeah. With a crocheting needle through your right ear.

[Anna David]

Have you ever been asked for a meeting to pick your brain? Because what do I get out of my brain?

[Adam Carolla]

Informational information.

[Anna David]

Well, I think she's doing a new show, and she wants to know what moms might be interested in.

[Allison Rosen]

I saw a commercial for it. And speaking of moms, this is not your mom's daytime talk show.

[Anna David]

It's gonna be edgy Skinny Girl.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet she's just gonna say whatever she feels.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Cause that's what she does. Yeah, that's what she does. I've seen the promos.

[Adam Carolla]

You won't believe what comes out of her mouth.

[Anna David]

Is she gonna tell it like it is?

[Allison Rosen]

She. She shouldn't be allowed on tv. They didn't know what they were getting in for.

[Anna David]

Oh, my gosh. You don't know what you're gonna get.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you don't.

[Anna David]

I hope it's live.

[Allison Rosen]

I hope it's some N bombs. Rarely is.

[Anna David]

I'm expecting. When she picks my brain, should I tell her that what we want to see on television are N bombs?

[Allison Rosen]

Tell her I enjoyed her Skinny Girl, but I turned it into just a basically drunk dude margarita. So, yeah, I got my buzz on with the fellas and stood on the beach there and threw the ball to the dog, and it was just glorious. Like, it is one of those. Well, this is. This is what's great about Southern California. Just. Great day, great house on the beach, pch, all that stuff. Beautiful. Everyone, like, just a, you know, that, like, group of people where you love everyone and. And everyone's wife as well. Like, there's usually the stinker wife in there. And not so much for me, but pissing off the other wives. And then you got to get an earful on the way home. Like, Marjorie never shuts up about her fucking cat or stupid kid. We get it. She ice skates. We get it. We get it. She's seven. She ice skates. She's one of the best in her group. Like, okay, all right, all right. But all the girls were cool. All the dudes were cool. Got my buzz on, had a good time.

[Anna David]

And now you're 50.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I'm 50. And so I don't get to raise pop pie. Ray brings me a pie to be Fair. He brings me two pies. One, the pumpkin pie, which I do devour that morning because that's a breakfast pie. So the second pie I'm going to get into tonight, and I'm looking at it and I'm saying, ooh, second favorite pie. It's either raspberry or boysenberry. But I love me a raspberry boysenberry pie. Cut into it, heat it up a bit. Little, little bit. Come to find out it's blueberry. Now, this is a weird thing. And when people talk, proclaim their love of goat cheese, I make fun of them. Or their thick crust, bad thick crust pizza. I make fun of them. You can like blueberries. I like fresh blueberries. I just don't like blueberry pie. I don't know why. I just don't enjoy it. I like boysenberry and raspberry, and I don't enjoy like them. I just don't like blueberry pie. I never did. And Ray, who I've known for 35 years, is at the top of the list of people know. I've given him the blueberry. You guys think you've heard my speeches on food, what, 20,000 times? We've known each other for four years. I know it feels like more.

[Anna David]

It's at least 10.

[Allison Rosen]

You've not been to a diner with me 2,000 times and heard. Heard these things out loud. Ray, with the fucking blueberry pie.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an attack.

[Anna David]

It had to have been a mistake at Marie Callender's or wherever he went where he asked for what you wanted.

[Allison Rosen]

It didn't look like a blueberry pie, but you can't tell from the top.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, they're like, that's what you traditionally get someone for the 50th birthday. Say it with blueberry.

[Allison Rosen]

So then I decided, by the way, I brought it in. And Brian, now you got to be caught in between here because there's a part of you that's like, I love blueberry pie because it's disagreeing vehemently with Adam. The other part is, this would solve Adam's problem if you had a big wedge of that blueberry pie.

[Bald Brian]

That is a pickle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, pickle.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe I could accidentally drop it and solve the whole thing.

[Allison Rosen]

So now you love it. Go cut yourself a slice and then capsize it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Or like into some kitty litter or something.

[Bald Brian]

Or some delicious pie. Unfortunately, I'm on a diet.

[Anna David]

What's wrong with it? It's not tart enough?

[Allison Rosen]

I cannot tell you. And again, I would not Tell anyone. Believe it or not, there's things I know I'm right about, like putting goat cheese on a fucking omelet in first class. And then there's things like blueberry pie, which is. I don't care for it and I cannot tell you why. Something with the text texture or something that. The berry, they're good. They're good raw, like they're good fresh. And they're good when you tumble them on granolas. But they're not good pie. I don't know. They make. I don't know. It's like pineapple. It's like, I like pineapple. I did have a guy bring pineapple pie to a. To a Thanksgiving party. His name is Bob Petrella. And I was like, fucking Bob. And he said, well, why not? I'm like, why not? Have you ever heard anyone go, I could go for some pineapple pie? And were they out of the other 30 super popular pies that people are used to eating to before. Before you got to fucking pineapple?

[Adam Carolla]

Two people reach for the last mangosteen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. I mean, that's the point. You've never heard of it. Neither is my gullet.

[Anna David]

I don't know what's going on with Ray.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that was a passive aggressive attack, was it not?

[Adam Carolla]

Clearly.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, let me give a little love to go to meeting. That's right. Michael, as we figured out, looks like one of the Gatlin brothers. So I'm sure he gets stopped all time the. The time. It's probably boring for him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

He's heard all before.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. All right. Teresa Strasser.

[Anna David]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do your bit, baby. Teresa Strasser presents Parents of the Week. You're the best mom in the whole world.

[Anna David]

Well, Adam, while you're out taking your son to delicious smelling museums, cool to the touch and filled with the findings of people who have not enjoyed the touch of a female's hand. Some parents are not doing as well as you are. Let's start with a woman. We'll start with a mom in Aloha, Oregon, which sounds like a nice place. Bad could happen in Aloha, Oregon.

[Allison Rosen]

And maybe overcompensation like Hawaiian Gardens, right? People are like, God, this place is a fucking shithole.

[Giovanni]

Fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

How do we get anyone to ever come here? Boy, we better give it a really cool name so when people move out here from Wisconsin, they'll go, fuck, I'm going to Hawaiian Gardens.

[Bald Brian]

29 palms. That's so many more palms than I'm used to.

[Anna David]

I'd be happy with 14 palms. I don't need 29 panoramic city.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like the city of the future.

[Bald Brian]

Sun Valley. The whole valley's full of sun.

[Allison Rosen]

It's been a while, but I'm telling you, you. And this is my overall gestalt, which is. You can't name your fucking city. Panorama City, sun Valley, Sunland, 29 Palms, Hawaiian Gardens. All piles of shit. It should all be, should all be given numbers and you should have to fucking try to work your way up. Because first off, when you're in Wisconsin, you're not moving to number seven, 29. You're keeping it to the top 100 cities, if in fact you are moving. And what is, what, what, what's the incentive for Hawaiian Gardens to get out right from converting themselves from a piece of shit to something decent other than to try to climb the power rankings, which are given out twice a year by the, you know, city council, whatever it is. Anyway.

[Anna David]

Well, we've given a special commendation to the City of Commerce for proudly announcing exactly what it is and what it does.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I like this.

[Anna David]

There's no palm.

[Bald Brian]

City of Industry Gardens.

[Anna David]

City of Industry.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what we do.

[Anna David]

Well, Alexander watkins is a 23 year old who lives in Aloha, Oregon. And look, anyone can lose track of a two year old. It's probably happened to the best parents in the world.

[Allison Rosen]

You're small.

[Anna David]

Yeah, they're small. I was in a bookstore. That's the place where they hide the books.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I thought that was the.

[Anna David]

Sound. Liver Sound it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Liverpool.

[Anna David]

It's close.

[Allison Rosen]

But it doesn't have book in it.

[Anna David]

It doesn't have book in it.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why it's confusing.

[Anna David]

It is. They should call it the place where they.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the blueberry shit. I knew I hated that place. Library, Library, library, right.

[Anna David]

It's like a library, a bookstore, but they make you pay for the books.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Yeah, Dumber. And checking them out.

[Anna David]

I was there with my child and I turned around for a second, he was gone and he got out the door and really it was the wor.

[Teresa Strasser]

Experience.

[Anna David]

I honestly felt like I was gonna throw up. And I felt bad about it for probably three days. It just, it took a second.

[Allison Rosen]

He's.

[Anna David]

He's smart and just bam, he was out. That could happen to anybody. And it could happen to anybody. Once a year. It could happen to anybody. Could it happen four times in a week? That's what happened to Alexandra Watkins, 23. Her 2 year old was found wandering by a neighbor.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, their Looks never disappoint. Neck tattoo. Neck tattoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Shaved eyebrows.

[Allison Rosen]

First you have like. First there's just, you know, there's three or four ethnicities where you'll just go, yeah, there we go. Par for the course. And then there's some sneaky ethnicities where you go, oh, you go, that's a blonde chick. And then you go, yeah, yeah, look at her. Yeah, it's perfect. It's always perfect. It's never confusing.

[Anna David]

Nope.

[Allison Rosen]

You never see the picture. That whole. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. It's like, well, yes, you should. Why is this never confused, confusing?

[Anna David]

This is why I love coming here. It's fun to judge people. It's fun to judge and make ourselves feel better. So Alex's daughter was wandering. A neighbor found the kid. Then a neighbor found the same kid on the same busy road again during the same week.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I feel like was going on a lot now? It used to be that you would either be a drug addict or you would be fat. And that's how we would kind of tell and like, you definitely back in the day, you take a look at John Belushi. I was gonna say thank you. I was thinking more Rolling Stones, but Keith Richards. You take a look at like Keith Richards and like, yeah, he's into the booger shirt. Like, you do it now. People are eating so much. Like, they've overeat.

[Anna David]

You can override meth with Doritos.

[Allison Rosen]

They essentially have, like. They've taken fast food and pushed it past their meth and cocaine and crack cocaine addiction through their lack of appetite.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's more waking hours.

[Allison Rosen]

It's actually, yeah, it's actually just. There's fat drug acts now.

[Anna David]

Yeah, it's true. It is confusing. So twice the neighbor. A neighbor found the kid. Now we're still in the same week here. You gotta stay with me. Third time a city bus passes by in Aloha, Oregon, and sees the same two year old. And this bus driver's concerned, calls the police. Police show up, they do a little investigation, and they say, we're gonna have to arrest you because this is the third time this week that your kid's been wandering on this busy highway. So they arrest Alexander Watkins. And sure, it could happen once, twice, three. But when you get arrested, that's a moment where you really take stock of your life, your choices, your parenting and your locks.

[Bald Brian]

It's a wake up call, right? Unless you've been awake for four days.

[Anna David]

So last thing she needs, she needs a sleepy call.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Anna David]

So she goes to jail, gets back, I'm sure it's very harrowing. And the next day.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait a minute. Sorry for cutting you off, but just remind me, hotels should have a would you like a go to bed call? Like, you know, they do the wake up call. We all know the wake up call. But how about the one that calls it like 1am and goes, you know, you have a wake up call for 6:45, right?

[Anna David]

They base it on the wake up.

[Allison Rosen]

Time you picked up on the first ring. And I hear people in your room like, how about you call tonight, champ?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You got a fucking important presentation tomorrow.

[Anna David]

Yeah. Time to wind down.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, let's not clear out that mini bar with the whores you got in there. Fucking once you drop your load, clear them out and let's call it a night. It should be go to bed calls as well as wake up. They're gonna have a turndown service, might have a let's wrap it up.

[Anna David]

Yeah, Just start getting in the mood to go to maybe run a bath.

[Allison Rosen]

We'll call it last call.

[Anna David]

Last call.

[Allison Rosen]

Like when you, when you. And when you check in. Because when you check in like, you know, one in the afternoon, two in the afternoon, you're sober, light outside, you're thinking, I might have a steak. But I'll be back by 10, maybe I'll have a cocktail. But I'll be, I'll be watching SportsCenter by 11:15 and dozing off. So I'll be, you know, lily fresh for tomorrow, the next day. But they should say, would you like a last call? And you go, yeah, yeah, call, call at midnight. And if I sound groggy and you hear other people in the. The room and you hear like too much ranchero music or something, send somebody up.

[Anna David]

Oh, I like to send somebody up because then they're the bad guy. We've had complaints about noise.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clear them out of here.

[Bald Brian]

By the way, any amount of Ranchera's music is too much Ranchera music.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I mean.

[Anna David]

Three notes. It's too much.

[Allison Rosen]

We'll play Aces Rancherordian Countdown. One of these days we'll bring that back. But anyway, so now she's gone to.

[Anna David]

Jail, she's come back, she's had a moment to really think. This is. It's been three times. I've really got to make a change. Somehow this kid's getting out. And this is three times in a week. She's been wandering. She could have been killed. And I've been arrested.

[Allison Rosen]

I Don't feel like there's enough judging going on in women's prisons, because women's.

[Adam Carolla]

Prisons, I think they're in a supportive environment.

[Allison Rosen]

I think women's. I don't know what percentage. I'm sure we would all never stop vomiting if we knew that the actual percentage of women who were incarcerated who had children or more than one child was into the 80s. Like percentage wise, it's probably something really high.

[Anna David]

You can have your kid in prison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So there's a lot of women that are in there that are currently in there who have kids. And a lot of them are there just because they're drug addicts and usually means they were. Part of being there is partly not being around their kid, like endangering their kid or at least being high. So I don't think you're going to get a lot of people looking down their nose at you in the joint. But she went back and what happened?

[Anna David]

Passing cyclist sees a toddler. Sure enough, it is the fourth time in a week. And then they took her, locked her up, took the kid, the kids with relatives. And the other kid, this was a two year old. She also has a three year old. That's four times. Four times.

[Adam Carolla]

Why isn't the three year old babysitting.

[Allison Rosen]

The two year old?

[Anna David]

Well, I can tell you what happened because they asked for a comment from her sister and her sister explains the whole thing. She's a quick little girl and once her hands are off her, she's gone. So what are you gonna do?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this isn't the internalized family. Yeah, she's eely. She's like a eel. She fucking. Man. It's like when Stallone was chasing that chicken in Rocky 2 or whatever it was. Yeah. Oh, so the kid's greased up. That's the problem.

[Anna David]

It's the kid. The kid is gonna leave and apparently the roommate has some issues remembering to lock the deadbolt.

[Allison Rosen]

Uh huh. Okay, can we, I know this comes up all the time, but can we at least stop these people from having more kids?

[Adam Carolla]

You'd think the lack of eyebrows would do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Anna David]

What about that?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's fucking that?

[Allison Rosen]

I have found that there is a fucking key for every fucking fucking eyebrow. Less skanky roller skate out there. At least that's what grandpa used to say. There's like, you know what, I'll tell you who's fucking that. When you see the dude who's got his pants dragging and he's got the fuck off and die shirt and whatever and he's got the balls hanging from the differential of his truck. And you're like, oh, truck nuts. And you're like, who's fucking that? Okay, that's. Who's fucking fucking that guy? I'm amazed at how much of that there is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, ugly people having sex is more common than beautiful people having sex.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. It's so bad for us beautiful people. I know, well, but I mean, I just feel like there'd be a lot like. I feel like there'd be a lot of like Mexican standoffs in the fucking department where I'd be like looking at someone going, you're not gonna fuck me? I'm not fucking you. What do you mean you're not gonna fuck me? Look at you.

[Bald Brian]

Well, we'll see who doesn't fuck who first.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'll fuck it to ya. I will be beating off tonight Home Alone. And guess who I won't be thinking of? You and your browless face. Good day. I turn around and throw my scarf over my shoulder. I tip my top hat down and I walk with purpose with my cane like Mr. Peanut.

[Anna David]

You and your spats go storming off.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. I call my coach. Pick me up.

[Bald Brian]

Point of contention, I don't think Mr. Peanut walks with purpose. I think he saunters.

[Anna David]

Yeah, he's not in a hurry. Peanut. Where's he going?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no, he does that stands. He does that stands.

[Bald Brian]

He's on one leg, he's kicking up one heel.

[Anna David]

Where's he going? No one wants the Peanut in the trail mix.

[Allison Rosen]

I walk like they would do in like an old timey musical. Like where they go, there's no business like show business where they get that good lean going when they're going off stage, but they don't want to jog.

[Anna David]

I need you to meet a young man named Matt. Now you guys may remember David from David After Dentist. He's that kid who his parents filmed coming out of Aniston. Anesthesia. And he was really high, Right? So those parents made like 150 grand off that video. So now a lot of people are posting video of their kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I have a problem coming off of medical.

[Anna David]

Yes, after medical procedures. Coming out of anesthesia. I'm not going to say that I find this exploitive and that I have a problem with it. That is not why these parents made parents of the Week. You'll see why. Well, it might not be totally obvious, but I'm going to play you this audio. This is Matt. Now, I have to describe because he doesn't look Anything like he sounds? He looks like he might be eight years old. He has that little boy, blonde, buzz cut. He's in a hospital bed with a big orange cast on his arm. And he is being videotaped by his parents and it looks like he's had surgery on his arm. He's pretty high.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, kids. What's up? He's gonna go firecracker one day. Feeling good?

[Adam Carolla]

Does your arm feel bad?

[Allison Rosen]

It feels good. Good. You know?

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

So it wasn't so bad going to sleep, was it? Is it good?

[Teresa Strasser]

Going to sleep's awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, good. I feel dizzy.

[Adam Carolla]

Dizzy.

[Allison Rosen]

Why do I feel dizzy? Oh, he's gonna be great. Perched over a bong one day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God.

[Allison Rosen]

God. Stupid dizzy. I hate dizzy, you know, Right? Later, Hosen. Hey, stupid dizzy. Medicine. I'm so dizzy. Hey, dz, where are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm right here.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is there two of you? Oh, that's nice.

[Anna David]

Because of the medicine.

[Allison Rosen]

What? Hey, dad, what's up? Sup?

[Adam Carolla]

Sup?

[Anna David]

He's not a teenager.

[Allison Rosen]

Where is he from, this guy? This is some Florida here or something that.

[Adam Carolla]

This kid's like 8, right?

[Anna David]

He looks about 8 or younger.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on. It's heavy. You know, casts are bad for signing. Now.

[Anna David]

That'S. That's a topper for you, Matthew. All right, my. My issue with this. I don't know if you heard. I couldn't love this more. And I. I'm not proud of myself for enjoying this as much as the I did. There's even more. If you'd like to go online, we can post on AdamCarolla.com There's a second video that his parents posted. Here's my problem. There was a. There were more than one shushes. Now you can't have a high child and expect him to respect the volume in the hospital. The kid is higher than a fucking kite. He doesn't know what's happening.

[Allison Rosen]

He's dizzy. Yeah.

[Anna David]

And you're gonna shush him. I think I'm sensitive to it because I am a person who gets shushed because I can't modulate the volume of a voice very well. I married a gentile.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he getting shushed from out the other side of the curtain?

[Anna David]

Parents, because they're in the hospital and they want to be respectful that they're in a hospital. And I understand that, but don't shushing. It hurts my soul when I hear the shushing.

[Allison Rosen]

The shush noise. And the impulse to shush is partially to shut your own ears and create your own weird white Trash noise in the case to try to mask things. Like, you know, when you're watching something that's, like, uncomfortable and there's certain, like, noises you'll make or certain things you'll do to almost mask it. Shush is half for the person that's making the noise and then half for you. And when your parent. Because I had. When Natalia had her adenoids removed, she. When she woke up. She's a. She's a fucking piece of work, that one right there. I mean, like, Natalia is loud and in your face and busting everyone's chops. And there's me and Bruce and Natalia in the hospital. And when Talia came to, she didn't want that thing, that, like, heart rate. You know what? I actually. I think it's a oxygen monitor, like, on the end of her finger. And she was like, why? No. And she started pulling on it, and she got obsessed with just this sort of clipping on thing that was on the end of her finger. Now, it wasn't like in her finger. It was just on her finger. But when you're scared and you're disoriented and you're five, you can just easily get pissed off or freaked out about anything. And she did not want that fucking thing on her finger. And she is tough, she's scrappy, she's dogged, she's relentless. She's all the things you want in a middle linebacker and none of the things you want in a daughter. And she's like, head on a swivel constantly.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Anna David]

Plays offensive and defensive.

[Bald Brian]

Loosen the hips, you know what I mean? Can really go for the pass, high or low.

[Allison Rosen]

Closer. Great game. Speed ball hawk. And so she's just like, no. And we're like, having to kind of hold her down, and she's like, ah. You know, she's kind of getting loopy and nutty and she's super loud. She doesn't care who knows. And the shush, it's like a way to put a pillow over their head. Sonic. Like, sh. Like, you're like, you're gonna dampen their noise. And in your own head, when you go, shh, you don't hear what's coming out. So it's a weird. I think part of it is just there's a reason why we do it. I think it's an emotional reaction to. I want to drown it. I want to drown out my head. I want to drown out in you, and I want to drown it in the room. Like, I wish there was some very loud white noise. Like some coupler broke on some air hose and there was some. Something going just above so we couldn't hear my daughter screaming while everyone else was trying to fucking get some.

[Anna David]

Is it because it hurts your ears because it's your child uncomfortable and that. That's psychically painful?

[Allison Rosen]

The psychically painful part is, you know, everyone is looking at you, right. It's embarrassing, and it's embarrassing, and you're drawing that focus. And then there's an element of hey, man show that I always have, which is. I've got a little element. You know, the solo. The part where it's essentially. It's like this, like, you know, the john and the hooker. You know, you're traveling through tampon business. You decide to take the rental car out that night, have a few pops, pick up a street walker and see if you can get a blowjob. You'll never see her again. She'll never see you again. If you get a hey, man show. That relationship is completely and utterly different. I mean, the whole relationship. You're most of a podcast, thank you very much. Most of relationship you have with society is based on not succeeding, seeing society ever again. Like, if you flip someone off in the car, like, hey, fuck you. Hey, fuck you, dude. Like, okay, it's all based on you two not living in the same apartment complex. But if it's Rick from the same apartment complex, you can't flick. Flick them off.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole world is Rick to you now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. If that person knows who you are or may know who you are even. I'm not saying they do. I'm just saying there's the element of, hey, it's that guy. Yeah. Now go in and rent a porn movie. It's like, it's a completely different, utterly different thing. It's completely different vibe. And so, yeah, when. Whenever someone's making a scene and someone like, you know, the. The good news is you guys will be out of there in two hours and no one will go, hey, you know that girl? She looked like. Her name could have been Allison or Theresa or something. You won't have to deal. You won't have to deal with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I need your kid to be on good behavior in case someone thinks they recognize me.

[Allison Rosen]

Somebody tweeted me a picture of Jimmy and Costco on Saturday. You know what I mean?

[Anna David]

Creepy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Anna David]

So it's like he can't buy certain things there. He'll have to send his assistant out if he wants to buy personal items.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And that's why I told him the windbreaker with the rainbow tape that says Jimmy's assistant on the back's a bad idea when you're trying to buy Scott condoms. He insists on it. He wants it to be. Yeah, Jimmy's gotta go through Costco and someone's make some sort of 9 volt battery judgment on him or something. Whatever he's got in his cart, they're gonna love.

[Anna David]

Jimmy's gonna be investigating what kind of tip you leave.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. Oh, you got that.

[Anna David]

You can't ever leave the one penny.

[Bald Brian]

Tangentially related. It's getting harder. Twitter's making it worse now for, like, complaining about a restaurant or anywhere. Like, there's some fat ugly chick or some big fat dude just working here, blah, blah, smile. Because you're only a few degrees separation away from getting like, hey, Bob, doesn't your brother work there?

[Giovanni]

Isn't he a server there?

[Allison Rosen]

You're like, ah, fuck, yes, yes.

[Anna David]

I even I harder to complain.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all on.

[Anna David]

As small a player as I am have occasionally gotten like, did I just see you on a flight or in a restaurant? This will happen even at my small level.

[Allison Rosen]

Unimaginable.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever get it when it wasn't you, though?

[Anna David]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you do. Maybe it's you.

[Anna David]

I hope you're on good behavior now. I can't have you.

[Adam Carolla]

People think they see me a lot of places that I'm not.

[Bald Brian]

When you freak out, you shout, I'm Theresa Strasser. I don't have to put up with this.

[Anna David]

Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Just be a real asshole real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

To go back to the Jimmy Kimmel at Costco thing. He was on the COVID of the Costco magazine.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Well, no, he goes to Costco. I mean, he has no shame about it. He goes there. He. It's funny because he's like, the reason Costco was invented is so you wouldn't have to go three times. That's why you have Costco. He goes. He treats it like a pink dot. He's just. He's. Oh, you know, he's like. He'll go there for Court of Haagen Dazs.

[Adam Carolla]

According to the article, he finds it soothing.

[Allison Rosen]

And I used to go. I used to go with him back in the day. And it's fucking awesome. It is. Look, it's one of those things, especially if you grew up poor or close to it or you had a lot of lean years. There is nothing more American and more satisfying than just pushing that jumbo cart up and down the aisles and throwing Stuff on. And then guessing, like, is it gonna be $3,300? Gonna be 2750? Like, the point is, who gives a shit? Tell it to the Black Amex. Good name for a guy stopping like a PI.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd have to have a white one, too, though.

[Allison Rosen]

Black Amex.

[Anna David]

Now for this week's Parent of the Week, I've again had to go to.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, Mr. Wolf's cousin.

[Anna David]

I've again had to go to the animal community. You may remember the Tasmanian Devil, Mom.

[Allison Rosen]

I saw a stuffed one today, right at the museum.

[Anna David]

They have the strongest mammalian bite. They have 50 pups, but they only have four teeth. The rest of them die.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Anna David]

Now, you think horses. They're sweet. Little girls have posters of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Anna David]

What could possibly be going wrong with horse dads?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Anna David]

Well, let's just say you're coaching Sonny's Little League team, right? And there's occasion to help a kid that's not yours. You're probably not gonna be as enthusiastic about it as your own child. But you wouldn't, say, kick it to death. A horse, on the other hand, has a tendency. If it sees a full baby horse and realizes it's not their kid.

[Allison Rosen]

Dads are dads. You know, when the dad. The dad will be pitching the little. He'll be pitching the little T ball. And they'll get, like, five pitches, and then out comes the tee. But when.

[Bald Brian]

Strike five. Get the tee.

[Allison Rosen]

But when the dad's kid comes up, it's always. It's always like, ronnie, come on, focus. And he's, like, on his 18th pitch. Come on, now. Come on, choke up. You can always tell when it's his kid because he gets an average of 14.4 extra. Remember what we talked about? Come on, now. Here we go. Now. Because every other kid's, like, four swings. I get that. Let's go.

[Bald Brian]

It's been about seven or eight pictures.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. He's got this one. Come on, Ronnie. Come on, buddy. Here we go. Like, we practice. Like, you always tell when his kid gets up there. Everyone else get the tea.

[Anna David]

This is the exact opposite of what a stallion would do. That's not my kid. I'm gonna have a tendency to kick it to death. Just to death. Goodbye. Now, what does the mom do?

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Anna David]

Well, mom, you may think, why would a pregnant horse go around having sex with all the horses and in the herd? She's already pregnant. She's already pregnant. There's nothing more promiscuous than a pregnant horse, really. They will hit every.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep that in mind, you guys.

[Anna David]

Every male in the herd.

[Allison Rosen]

And are they doing that? Like, I think you're going to figure.

[Anna David]

This out and I'm going to be impressed.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there's going to be. There's two reasons to do it. 1. 1 is your hormones change. And Premarin, by the way, is pregnant mare urine, which is a weird thing that chicks take around menopause. Always freaks me out. They would like, well, let's just do a combination of pregnant mare and urine and make that into. Really. Why don't you just call it, like, felizone or something Good. So when I thought. When I was the task leader of the team. Team leader and Celebrity Apprentice, and I was done with that, and everyone said, oh, you won. Oh, you won for sure. You absolutely won. I had two thoughts. One is, all right, I'm not bringing anyone back to the boardroom. A, because I don't need to. But B, it's a calculated thing, and I'm not really even that smart. But it's a, if I know I won. If somebody said in advance before you got to the boardroom you won, then you say to your whole team, if I lose, nobody goes home but me. Now you score points with your team and everyone goes, wow, that guy's a hero. Well, that guy's just playing the game smart because he's gonna. When the. When the next time the boardroom's like, that guy took one for the team. No, not if he knew he was gonna win. It was a nice strategic move. You letting everybody else in the corral. Fuck you. Makes you. Makes you cool. Makes you the cool horse. Yeah. Makes you a team player. Makes you better in college, Clay Aiken or Arsenio Hall.

[Anna David]

You know, in so many words, that's exactly why the mares have sex with her.

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be Miss Popular without the consequences.

[Adam Carolla]

I think she has low self esteem.

[Anna David]

It might be both. She does have that horsey face.

[Adam Carolla]

She long face.

[Anna David]

She has sex with every stallion she can because then when the foal is born, they don't really know.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and they all.

[Adam Carolla]

They all nicely right. She's protecting her baby.

[Anna David]

So you just have to spend the entire pregnancy just fucking every stallion in the herd in the hopes that once your little horsey is born the dad, no one will know if they're the dad and they won't kick it to death. Here's where it gets a little bit grim. So let's just say you're the pregnant mare and there's a horse you can't have Sex with. There's a chance that you will abort the fetus. And it's not clear. Scientists don't know exactly how horses do this, but it's some chemical process. Throw themselves down a stairwell, sit in a bathtub with some gin.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe it's that Budweiser football game that seems to break out around Super Bowl. It always does. Super bowl every year. Yeah.

[Anna David]

There's a chemical process that if there's a new horse that they haven't been able to get to in time, they couldn't have sex with it. And there's a chance that that horse might kick their baby to death. They will cause their body to chemically abort the horse.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Anna David]

Think about that next time your daughter wants a poster of a horse.

[Allison Rosen]

Gotta be that. That has to be the aborted the horse. That. That shit's gotta be like a buzzer delicacy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in Japan.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Anna David]

If it actually is delivered.

[Allison Rosen]

I just mean, like when you're scavenger, like as a scavenger.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I mean?

[Anna David]

Like old dead stuff, they get a.

[Allison Rosen]

Lot of sloppy seconds. Yeah. Like, if you're a buzzard, you're getting a lot of stuff. The hyenas went, thanks, but no thanks. I got a little something called dignity.

[Bald Brian]

The old and the weak.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Whatever's left of that fucking zebra fat, you know, Like, I'm done with that. And that's like hyenas.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like veal for buzzards.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. Buzzards gotta be like, oh, aborted horse. Awesome.

[Anna David]

I'm so glad that you found the bright side that is Parents of the week.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. Yeah, that's right. I know. I saw some stuffed buzzards today. Everything all right? Oh, we must have done our duty as parents. Those were the parents of the week. All right. Theresa Strasser. I don't have your thing exploiting my baby. That much I know.

[Anna David]

That's all really neat.

[Allison Rosen]

Teresa Strasser.

[Anna David]

Twitter yesastrasser.com and may I mention that for those who are interested in more of Adam's parental exploits, but from his wife's point of view, you might want to give his wife's show, for crying out loud, to listen to. It's awesome. And she has a very funny co host, Stephanie Wilder Taylor. And you should subscribe on itunes or go to their website.

[Allison Rosen]

I concur. All right, we'll take a quick break. Anna David is here. We're going to talk a little love and some journalism with her as well. Hey, Adam.

[Charlie]

Taco Bell right now and not me.

[Allison Rosen]

Thinking about your new book.

[Giovanni]

Not talk about material. And I am hoping that it's going.

[Allison Rosen]

To come out on audiobook because I.

[Charlie]

Loved the last one on audiobook. It was like six hours of Adam Crawler podcast. Thanks, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Talk to you later. You can leave a message at 855-295-ADAM. That's 855-295-2326 and go to www.for a free six month trial. Yeah, yeah. The audiobook. Over eight hours. I don't know what it turned out to be, but maybe 8 hours and 12, 14 minutes or something like that. So we did it. We did it here and turned out just fine. Anna David is here. She has a book. Well, she has a Kindle single I want to talk about. About this animal traction. And then, Anna, you and I were talking in the hall about you accosting me and doing the you don't remember me one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, my accurate, accurately saying to you, you do not remember me. And you saying, absolutely not. I said, I was on your show. Does that help? And you said, no. I admired your honesty.

[Allison Rosen]

Where were we?

[Teresa Strasser]

We were in the green room for Dr. Drew's show.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then you went on this long thing about your theories about why you don't remember people. It had to. To do with. I think it was like you stored up everything in your brain up to a certain age and then.

[Allison Rosen]

That's usually the one I use. Yeah, yeah. No, you know, it's a combination of things, which is I always. And I don't know how it works. It happens to me all the time. And people do that. First off, I'm always curious about the people who want to keep. Like, I don't mind the people that come up to you and go, we've met before. But I do mind the people that go. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. How you doing? Yeah, yeah, great. And they go, oh, come on, tell me. Tell me where you know me from. And you're like, who is this, by the way? Maybe we fucked. Like, isn't this gonna be wildly embarrassing to you at a certain point when we just keep unraveling this super humiliating sweater, how can this turn out good for you? Like, I know it feels like I'm on the spot. You didn't do this to me. I didn't do it.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I. And it annoys me when people do that to me. And I have fewer people doing it to me. Now I'm remembering you. You told me you were like this before you ever went into the limelight, like, you never remembered anybody anyway. And now I have this, what you.

[Allison Rosen]

Told me I have a weird combination of sort of, who cares? Not like low self esteem, who cares? Like, oh, why would that person know you? I don't know. And this weird. Just sort of I'm just traveling through, trying to get to the next whatever. So I have that all the time. But I also have a sort of like, is this information? Like, is this information? Do I need this information? Moving ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I mean? Like, if you're watching some show and the show's like, what you should do in case of an earthquake, you'll actually sit there and go, ooh, shut off the gas to the house. Yeah, that's smart. But if they're just talking about you watching documentary on 9 11, and you'll sit there and you'll watch it, but. But you don't. There's no, like, ooh, I gotta put that aside.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to introduce myself to him every day.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like 50 first dates.

[Allison Rosen]

And you guys know each other, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we're friends in New York.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I brought a picture as evidence. And I know on a podcast a picture doesn't go very far, but this one does.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep. There's. There's Doug. That's you. And that's floozy number. I don't know who on the right there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's our friend Natalie.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone looks good.

[Teresa Strasser]

Natalie, who has a different last name now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And another baby.

[Teresa Strasser]

And another baby.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

For all the people listening who know Natalie Del Costa.

[Allison Rosen]

Doug's been busy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Doug wandered in. It was my book party and Doug wandered in. I mean, he was invited, but I don't think we expected him to show. Yes, Allison and I were friends. We met on Red Eye, the television.

[Adam Carolla]

Show, which you have done, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

I enjoy that show. Is that Greg Gutfeld?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I like him. I don't know why.

[Teresa Strasser]

You remember him too.

[Allison Rosen]

I do. He's a him. I remember him. I have a thing for dudes now. I've done the show many times, and I find him sort of likable or charming or something. I can't quite figure it out. Like funny meets. The whole show was kind of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because anytime things are getting serious or heated, he makes ridiculous jokes which just keep it very light.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

He shouldn't be as likable as he is.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he shouldn't. And it's true. It's also one of those. It's the little show that could or Something like it's now going on year six or seven or something. Like it's been around but no one really. You just kind of know what it.

[Adam Carolla]

Is now it began and airing it. It began at 2am in New York and then it moved to 3. I think I might have moved back.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I remember all shows too by how big a hassle they are to do. And this is one of those. Oh, when do they shoot? Well they'd have to shoot at like 5:30 your time. Like, okay, where are they? They're down on pico off the 10. And it's like, ah, fucking A. There's nothing fucking worse than driving to that part of town and shooting in their little whatever, their little satellite. Like they're in New York but when.

[Teresa Strasser]

You'Re out here, worse. Except driving to the Valley at 7:30. No, this was actually, this was not at all bad. But they make it easy. Red eye. They send cars and they.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Sending cars is easy for a chick. For a guy it just makes me frustrated. Like they drive so fucking slow. They're so horrible. They don't know where they're going. Like I'm bothered being driven, I'm bothered driving.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well in New York you are not going to rent a car to drive through.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's true, that's true. In New York you'd get a car. I'm thinking Valley now I've done it in New York, but I'm usually out here when I do it. Animal Attraction is the name of the Kindle Single. I was just talking about this with my wife. The Kindle Single. How does that work? It's like a book that you release a chapter at a time.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, but good guess. They're actually short books. Amazon basically about a year and a half ago decided to start a division of short books that are between 5,000 and 30,000 words. Words.

[Allison Rosen]

So give me pages.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, so like that. That my book is 33 pages.

[Allison Rosen]

33 pages. Yeah, but could you. Did I just make that up?

[Teresa Strasser]

You did.

[Allison Rosen]

You were. You. There's no such thing as taking a book and delivering it a chapter.

[Teresa Strasser]

Good idea. And I think the Adam Carolla, like Alison Rosen chapter at a time book club I join, I think you should do it because no one's doing that as far as I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Because after all that, that's what Lost is or something like you might not know what the next year's chapter is.

[Teresa Strasser]

Think you're onto something. But that's not what this is. No, these are just short books. And they are directly commissioned by Amazon. And the reason that this is exciting to talk to you about. We spent the whole hour I was on the last time basically talking about your theories relating to cats and women and men and dogs. And my book is. Is about how I became a cat lady and had no intention.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it my sexual cat dog theory?

[Teresa Strasser]

To be honest, I just remember getting a rap theorizing.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't remember cats are super tight or dogs get better oral because their tongues aren't all sandpaper.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, dogs. It was that dogs are guys who like dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

Dogs.

[Teresa Strasser]

Somebody was terrible. That's what I.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's what it is, and it wasn't me. People normally want and respond to what feels good, what tastes good, like, what they like. You know, that's how you kind of go through your life. Like, if you see a movie that you dug, you tell your friend, oh, you're gonna love this movie. And then if your friend doesn't love it, like, you're kind of pissed and. Or confused, like, what the fuck? That's a really good movie. Or in the other, that you're that way with food. Like in restaurants. Like, you would love this, right? Restaurant. And you just. You do a lot of projecting. And so if you want to. A massage therapist, and you really dug this massage therapist, then you'd. You would tell Allison. Oh, you go there. Like, you. But maybe Allison doesn't like it the way you like it. But you like it the way you like it, right? And dudes do this with themselves and women do this with them. So guys like it like a dog. Which is to say, say, my dog. When I get home, I'll roll her on her back and I'll go. And I'll grab her ear. Well, what's left of one of her ears and her other ear, and I'll do the. And I'll slap her, pull her around.

[Bald Brian]

In circles by one ear.

[Allison Rosen]

One by one ear. Yeah. And I'll do all that stuff. And she digs it. She's a dog. Like, she likes the rough stuff. She likes, you know, being sort of. She likes wrestling and roughhousing and all that kind of stuff. Or now obviously, if you do that with a cat, cat freaked out. Cat's out of that. You know what I mean? So as a dude, you'll sometimes approach chicks sexually like you'd like to be approached, which is, you know, full speed, two hands and all that kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when a guy makes crazy eights around my legs.

[Allison Rosen]

Chicks want to be approached like a cat and guys want to be approached like a dude. I mean, like a dog. So if you're. If you're going at it with a dude, dude, feel free, you know, to go at it. But if you want to please a woman, treat it like a cat, you know, nice and easy and rhythmic and.

[Adam Carolla]

Let it come to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Put the pressure, you know, the cats will kind of.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't agree.

[Allison Rosen]

Put the pressure on.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't agree.

[Allison Rosen]

You're gonna be crushed right now. But go. Well, no, no.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, I'm just telling you from personal experience, I don't really want to, like, have a man come up to me and be, like, hesitant and weird and kind of like, trying to scratch behind my ear or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that would be a dog.

[Allison Rosen]

You want to be roughed out. Oh, really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I don't think I'm alone in that.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm not looking at this. I do. No, here's what I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm agreeing with you.

[Allison Rosen]

I do think there's a lot of women that have that fantasy and enjoy that, you know, semi role playing, kind of wild, you know, fast, you know, handful of hair, you know, you love it, bitch. Even though I didn't mean to call you bitch. That kind of bitch. Like, there's that rough trade kind of fun stuff, right? That nine and a half weeks eat kind of of stuff. But generally, when. Let's just. Let's just. Let's just cut to chase. You're talking about, like, oral sex. Let's just talk about oral sex. Guy wants oral sex. Like, crazy dog oral sex. I know this is sounding weird. Whereas women in the pure pleasure department don't want the full, you know, Chinese fire drill down there. The jailbreak.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's 100% true.

[Allison Rosen]

I call it the jailbreak. That's your move. They want it rhythmic, and they want. When it's, you know, it's got to.

[Adam Carolla]

Be eased into, and there has to be sort of a mental stimulation. I'm just speaking hypothetically mental stimulation along with. Opposed to just the, like, oh, you know, rubbing your belly version of oral sex.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like the roughhouse is for the kissing, though. I think you want to be kissed like a dog, and then you want oral sex like a cat. Okay, just gonna say.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. I'm just saying, like, the cat. The cat. You will end up putting a fair bit of pressure on, but the cat will find its spot, you know what I mean? And start pushing up against you. And then once you ease into the cat thing, you can really start the Rhythmic, whatever. And really add the pressure. You just can't come running down the hall at them. That's why cats are on top of refrigerators. Whenever there's three year olds in a house, house, the pussy will be on top of the refrigerator.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it drops down off a rafter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you see it. You let a two or three year old loose in a house, I'll show you a cat up on a vantage point somewhere. And if it had a hat, it would be turned backwards. And if they had a hunting rifle be fixed on the three year old, like, I gotta put this kid down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't like that. Whereas the dogs are like, game on.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So this story, I'm sorry, the Kindle single, you say you're contracted with Amazon. Did I make that up?

[Teresa Strasser]

You sort of did. The way it works, you do it directly for Amazon. It goes up and.

[Allison Rosen]

What did you call it, though? The phrase you used earlier, you said something with Amazon, I think. What did I say, Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't listen to what I say.

[Adam Carolla]

If you were telling me about what your deal with Amazon is, what would you say?

[Teresa Strasser]

So Amazon started basically commissioning.

[Allison Rosen]

Commissioning, okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

But that was actually, I misused the word because the way it works, the way it worked for me anyway, is that. Well, I read about these, I started to read them and I was like, this is a great idea. I polished off three books in a night. I felt good about myself. I want to write one of these. And I contacted the guy who is the editor of them, and he came up with the idea for me. Actually, he read a chapter of my memoir and I had one line in it that said, I never thought I'd be the woman with two cats, one tool set she doesn't know how to use, and zero prospects on the horizon. And he read that sentence and said, I think you should write a book about your relationship with your cats.

[Allison Rosen]

Every single one of my readers would say, which cat didn't know how to use the tool set? I'm confused. And then I would say, no, it was implied that I didn't know how to use the tool set. And then they'd go, no, you said the kids. Cats. I'm sorry.

[Bald Brian]

I still know a lot about cats. Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Not a zoologist, but I am a tool. It's an old story. It's a long story. So they pay you now, do you get paid per download, per unit? Per what?

[Teresa Strasser]

As opposed to normal books, which in my experience doing traditional publishing is you get paid an amount you Slave and slave. And then it comes out and nobody cares. And your publisher kind of doesn't return your emails anymore. This was a totally painless endeavor. It was really fun. I worked with the editor. I got paid nothing. And then I don't know if I'm allowed to, like, be so open, please. Do you keep 75% of the royalties?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. You get paid per.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. And unlike per download. Per download.

[Allison Rosen]

But a second ago, you yelled no at me when I said you get paid per download.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I just was.

[Allison Rosen]

I was yelling, toss your ass out of the groundlings in like 10 seconds, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Way.

[Teresa Strasser]

For being. For yelling.

[Allison Rosen]

Starting your sentence with no and then doubling back and going, yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

We're not improving right now, as far as I know.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't see. So out of here. I don't see a teleprompter, sweetie.

[Teresa Strasser]

The Adam Crawler.

[Adam Carolla]

So 75% of each download. Do you set the price?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's either $0.99 or $1.99. You can go up, but I think that they don't really. People tend not to buy the ones that are $2.99 and up. So you get to actually see how many like to this second, I can see how many have been sold and how much made. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's all E. I mean, there's no print. There's no print version, no paper trail. Nothing to ship or anything like that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nothing to ship, Nothing to go to a bookstore.

[Allison Rosen]

I like that. And it's about. It's between. Yours is. You say 33 pages?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's there. He cut a lot. It was gonna be like 50 pages or whatever. And I. And look, I brought the COVID It's the best book cover I've ever had.

[Allison Rosen]

It's animal attraction. And you can just go right now and get it. You can just go to Amazon.

[Teresa Strasser]

You can go to Amazon, search for animal attraction, and get it.

[Adam Carolla]

They should click through your site to get there.

[Allison Rosen]

Go to AdamCaroll.com and then hit the Amazon banner and put a little win in our sale. Speaking of books, my book. Not Taco Bell material. You can pre order those bad boys. And we have an exclusive audio book. You can get the first chapter, 24.

[Bald Brian]

So if you pre order the book.

[Allison Rosen]

I lied. If you want a chapter.

[Bald Brian]

If you preorder.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

The book or the Kindle.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

You get the. Or the ebook. I should say you get the 24 minute.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not the excerpt. It's the. You get the whole. You get the. I don't know if I'm putting too fine a point on it, but yeah, we'll give you a chapter. Hard copy. We'll give you the audio chapter. Yes, indeed, indeed. And the Tijuana audio chapter. All right, shall we? I'll be at the Uptown Theater, by the way. Napa this Saturday. I'll be racing at Sonoma on Sunday and Saturday, so that ought to be interesting. And we'll beat The Irvine Improv June 7th. Will Durst will be on stage with us. Caroline's, New York City. Packing up the Klan and going there. June 14th through the 16th. Five goddamn shows at Caroline's. We'll be doing all that. Anna, hang out. We'll do some news with Allison Rosen. Yes, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's a certain point that we make fun of quite a lot on this podcast. You might think it's unfair that they don't deserve this kind of ribbing.

[Allison Rosen]

I just feel like they deserve more and I don't even know where it is.

[Adam Carolla]

This story shows that they deserve everything because Florida does not disappoint. And I think that should be the state slogan. A 31 year old naked man was found on the side of the road in eating the face of another man. The man whose face was being eaten was homeless. Cops shot him and he just growled. So they had to shoot him a number of times more until finally they killed him.

[Bald Brian]

Poor Reggie Bush.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

His name is Rudy Eugene. And the guy whose face he was eating is in the hospital. He's in critical condition. 75 to 80% of his face is getting gone.

[Teresa Strasser]

What part did he leave?

[Adam Carolla]

The goatee. Yeah. And that's the most tender part.

[Allison Rosen]

He can hook up with that lady who had her face eaten off by the monkey. You guys insert your own joke anyway. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, initially they were saying that they thought that it was a Coke inspired incident of cannibalism. Then they said lsd. Now they're saying bath salts.

[Teresa Strasser]

You don't eat on Coke, let alone faces.

[Allison Rosen]

I also feel like. I don't feel like drugs can make you nuts. They can help you get nuts. He does help to your inner nut. Like you have to. There has to be some kernel of. I think it'd be a good idea to eat someone's face, but I'm just not gonna do it because I'm sober.

[Adam Carolla]

Such a disinhibitor. Yeah, yeah, they're really.

[Bald Brian]

You get these lemon drops. Come on and eat your face.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a shovel. But it doesn't mean you're gonna find Al Capone's vault. It's just a shovel. But what you unearth is in you to unearth. Now, some drugs are like, have bigger. Like, some are big steam shovels, some are just little gardening, little spades, and others are big shovels. But either way, we'll get to it.

[Adam Carolla]

The authorities in Miami are saying they think bath salts because there's been, you know, more stories of people behaving in this way. Anna, you're an addiction specialist, are you not?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, yeah. I mean, I'm the editor of a. That's what I'm sharing website and we have written about the bath salts.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it? If there's bath salts, if there are.

[Teresa Strasser]

Any drugs that are going to give you a kind of insanity that you did not previously possess, I think it would be bath salts. I don't actually know that much about what is in them, but is it.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a PCP thing?

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, I actually. I really don't know what is. Is in the bath salts, but I do know that it's this phenomenon that started a few years ago and that how do you.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know how they're ingested? Do you smoke them, do you eat them, you snort them?

[Adam Carolla]

And they're legal. That's the thing. I think the chemical's actually like. I wanna say it's like a plant food or something, but that might not be right. But I know the substance is actually sold in stores and it's, you know, and initially was a legal substance.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're not for the bath, so. This guy did have a record before, though, but it's all really minor stuff. But his ex wife, face eater, was married for a year and a half. His ex wife left him because he had violent tendencies and he was paranoid.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

But she didn't see the face eating coming.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

How can you.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's all a thing when you want to have your face eaten like a cat, not like a dog. At least that's what I've learned.

[Teresa Strasser]

The thing that they say to crazy cat ladies is that when you die and you live alone, this is what my brother told me when I. I got my cat. The cat will eat you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's comforting.

[Teresa Strasser]

Starting with the eyes.

[Anna David]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Turns out they just fuck you. It's not so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I don't think A cat really would eat you?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, but there's studies. I mean, there have been old ladies. There have been old ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it because cats are fastidious?

[Allison Rosen]

Look, we need volunteers. No. For what? Don't worry about it. Gertrude.

[Adam Carolla]

Cats.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on in. Relax. You don't look so good. Have a seat.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just got off a plane from New York, so I'm not. I'm a little delirious. But what I meant is there have been old ladies that have been found with their faces decomposed.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, eventually, yeah. When they get lost.

[Teresa Strasser]

Cats are hungry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I feel like a cat would just, you know, like you'd die. Maybe you'd have a stroke and you'd be on the bathroom floor and then the cat would like answer the door and go. No, everything's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, thanks. Thanks. Yeah, I know you heard a noise. I just dropped some yarn. Anyway, thanks. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for the concern.

[Bald Brian]

Are those bath salts in your paws?

[Allison Rosen]

Eh, we're cool. Don't make me eat your face. Oh boy. Well, he's dead, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He's dead now. Yeah, the cops shot him.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

But he growled at them the first time they shot him.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Bald Brian]

What would you do if the cops shot you?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, I don't know. I'd want to talk about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So a Texas judge threw a 17 year old student in jail for excessive tardiness last week. According to Texas state law, when a student racks up more than 10 absences in a six month period, a complaint. Don't look at the picture yet because it's a surprise complaint is automatically lodged with the court. The student spent last Wednesday behind bars and was ordered to pay a hundred dollar fine. Here's the thing though, whatever you're thinking, this student must be and look like you're going to be surprised because the student is Asian.

[Allison Rosen]

And I gotta say tell you too, the bath salts and the face eating thing is an not a black. You know, that ain't a traditional black crime. They're really throwing some curves at us with these ethnicities.

[Bald Brian]

Good job everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

More importantly, look how cute that dog is.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's an Asian holding a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's like hello Kitty. That was actually an awful thing to say.

[Allison Rosen]

My buddy Ray was wildly racist. Yeah, I know my buddy Ray.

[Bald Brian]

Not as bad as hot lunch.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, and it was not acknowledging cats instead of dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

My buddy Ray had at least 100 apps out of a possible 152 days or something. Mike, I don't if you Remember the exact number, but it's like 103 absent days out of 151 possible school days a senior year. Still managed to graduate. That's north Holiday, huh? They're like, oh thank God we don't have to warehouse this way. He's never here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the thing though. Diane Tran works a full time and a part time job to support herself and two of her siblings.

[Allison Rosen]

Now it's coming into focus.

[Adam Carolla]

She sent money to help care for a younger sister. Sister who's staying with relatives and an older brother in college ever since he had.

[Allison Rosen]

Since I know, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Divorced and left town last year. In addition to her heavy workload, she's taking honors and AP classes with the hopes of getting a scholarship to a good school. And eventually she wants to go to medical school.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me say this. You see, for a moment there, I stopped stereotyping. Did never stop, Adam, not anymore. And I blame myself. And I took. There was a moment where I saw an Asian woman. I was like with tardies. And I just started to like, well you know your stereotyped with that Asian student thing and you thought it was going to be white trash or some black dude. But no, no, maybe there is a bad. And you know what? I'll never not stereotype again. I've learned a valuable lesson.

[Teresa Strasser]

So was it a racist judge? Why is this?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, so she loves school and hates to miss it, but her work days leave her so touch she sleeps through her alarm. The judge was asked, he was told her special circumstances and asked if there's anything he could do to help the teen. And he said, if you let one of them run loose, what are you gonna do with the rest of them? But this is what it sounded like in the clip. If you let one of them run loose, what are you gonna do with the rest of them?

[Allison Rosen]

I like that. Toss hog.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's making an example of her. That's what he said.

[Allison Rosen]

I wanna say this.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't wanna look so soft.

[Allison Rosen]

He also said that I've blown this horn a few times to do it again. Do you know the part where it's like, well, what are you gonna do? I'd have to do that for everyone. Well, only everyone that had four jobs and was putting an older brother through.

[Adam Carolla]

College and had an adorable dog.

[Allison Rosen]

One day I'll bring in the name of the shitty insurance company. But I had a car. I had about, I don't know, seven or eight cars at the time. Time. And I was adding a ninth car onto the list. And I was over. I was working over at the man show. And they were like, well, you got to bring the car in. They were in, like, the West Valley. You got to bring the car in, and we got to read, like, the serial number on the. On the door, and then we can process your new car and insure your new car. And I started talking, and we kept going back and forth about good times for me to try to bring it in during their workday. They were in, like, Reseda. I was in Hollywood. It was never a good time. And then somebody said to me, look, my insurance guy just comes to the house and brings a camera and takes a picture of the VIN number and goes back to the office. They don't even need you to just have your assistant meet him at the house, let him in. He can take a picture of the VIN number, whatever. And I was like, yeah, you're right. And I called. I said, they were only, like, a couple miles away from my house, but I was far away at work, and I didn't want to bring it in. And I said, just come out. Send a guy out, tell him to take his camera, take a picture of the VIN number or write it down or whatever you need to do. And then they really. They said, you got to bring the car in so we can take pictures of it. And I said, we'll send the guy out with the camera, let him take the pictures, and I can't make it. And they said, we don't do that. And I said, well, make an exception. And they said, well, if we made an exception for you, we'd have to make it for everyone. And I said, well, only people that had nine cars. Cars and who've never filed a claim. So we've been together for years. All I do is add cars, and all I do is pay you more and more on a monthly basis. And I've never filed a claim. I've never called you for anything, so feel free to do it for all of those people. And the guy went, now we'd have to. Have to do it for everyone. And I always hate that. Like, hey, the one guy just got comp and collision on a fucking tercel and lives across the street, making him fucking push a car over. But the guy has 10 cars and is paying you and has never filed a claim in 10 years or in his life, by the way. Make an exception. And the guy's like, no, can't do it. And I said, you know what? Put your manager on the phone. And he put his manager on the Phone. And I said, listen, I don't know what kind of business is going on over there, but I gotta have some kind of, like, AAA rating with you guys. And I want you guys to go down the street and take a picture of this car and head back. And if you. You don't, I'm going to take all 10 of my cars and I'm going somewhere else with them. And he's like, sorry you feel that way, sir. And I'm like, okay, then that's what I'll be doing.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate business.

[Allison Rosen]

He's like, sorry. Sorry you feel that way. And by the way, that was 20 cars ago with still no. Still never called, still never picked up the phone. Never filed a claim. 10 years, 25 cars, never filed a claim. They're fucking horrible. People are fucking horrible, and they hide behind that. If I did it for you, I'd have to do. I fucking hate that excuse that it's such bullshit. Look at each case. That's what your judge. Are you not. You're not a guy fucking stands in front of a club and stamps hands. You're a judge. You put the person comes before you, you weigh the circumstances, and then you make a ruling based on what you're seeing. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Power tripping.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Power tripping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so here's a crazy story. Pedro Hernandez is the guy who confessed to killing Eitan Pates. That was the boy that disappeared and was killed in New York 33 years ago. And it was. Or it was a cold case for 33 years. And then it started to heat up.

[Allison Rosen]

He was the first milk carton kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. So this guy, Pedro Hernandez, confessed recently to killing the kid. And there's been some. Some questioning of his confession because he's schizophrenic and bipolar. But it turns out that he had actually confessed to this in 1980 at a prayer meeting at his church. And no one turned him in.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that maddening?

[Allison Rosen]

That part of life drives me nuts. And I know there's all this Good Samaritan laws or whatever, and I don't know what you're supposed to do, but Jesus Christ, when this guy pipes up at the meeting, you guys have to do the. You have to do the fake break. Well, let's wrap it up early tonight. All right? Go up. It's his name. Pedro. Yeah, yeah, Pedro. Go ahead. We'll see you next week. We'll see you next week. Bob, Steve, Franny, hang back. Just wanna tap a couple loose ends with you and then it's like second meeting. Jesus fucking Christ. What do we do? Right? We gotta do something. Not just break it up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did he like bring it up once or repeatedly? Was he clear? And they just ignored it. Do we know?

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't say how many times he brought it up, but they said. Or that Thomas Rivera, the guy who led the prayer meeting said that. Well, I didn' twe didn't do anything because he didn't tell me in a one on one fashion.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's a weird, creepy, fucked up way to look at things. And it's also weird that the very first guy on the milk carton was, was dead before he got onto the milk carton. Like it set the whole picture, milk carton movement back 20 years. The whole point where it's like, these are missing kids and we need to circulate these things so that it gets around the neighborhoods and that people obviously, before the Internet, can see the missing kids on the back of these milk cartons and maybe they'll see this kid somewhere. It's so sad that the very first one of those kids that went on milk carton, I'm sure the kid was dead probably a week before he made it onto the milk carton. And I don't know what this guy's trip was. He was 19, he was a bodega stock boy. He just came in, he just wanted to kill him. Does he like sexually abuse him or something? Like it's a weird, kind of a weird killing. Like he had his family business and he was just sort of working at the family business. It's a weird fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

And he confessed. That's what kills me, is that he told them he confessed and they did nothing. And for all these years that means that they've all been walking around with this in the back of their head unless they chose to just ignore it.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like they chose to ignore it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean, I had this.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, granted, it's not killing, but I had a former assistant who was a born again Christian who took out a credit card in my name. And I.

[Adam Carolla]

One upper.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like I said before, I told the church because he was doing expenses for the church. And I told the church and they were like, oh, that's very, that's too bad, Anna. We feel bad for you. Totally unconcerned. And then it. And I, and I said, I'm worried about this guy. I just don't trust him. And then months go by and it turns out he was completely embezzling money from them too. And suddenly it was just amazing how Indifferent they were to the fact that he was committing crimes until they were.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they call you to say thank you for trying to, to tell us?

[Teresa Strasser]

Not at all. They called and they said, we really need you to file a report now. And I'm like, you were sort of the people that thought I was overreacting and thought maybe I was imagining it and all of these things.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that a religious non judging or is it a God will do what's his will or what is that?

[Allison Rosen]

I think everything in life. Like, at least if you're like me, there is a ledger. It is, oh, this is good. And oh, this is hassle. And if you fall into the. This is the hassle side, there's just a. There's just a razor thin striped line that runs right through the middle of my life. And it's like this side is like TV and food and fucking and old cars and stuff. And the other side is like paying for braces and attending shit I don't want to go to. And you know, there's the hassle. There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of gray area in between it.

[Bald Brian]

Confessed murder, murderers.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. You fall into the hassle. You fall into the. I'm gonna have to call somebody and then I'm gonna be up on the stand and then I'm gonna be looking at this person who's in my church and saying what he said. Then he's gonna be calling me a liar at a certain point and then someone's gonna find out something about me. God forbid he gets off where I was lying. Yeah, whatever. Whatever it is. It's so much easier to ignore the, the hassle. It's like that thing and I, you know, I don't want. It's not this, but that thing where you're backing out of something and you bump into someone's car and you look around and you're like, nobody saw that. Fuck it at night, like, this is that I could just drive off and this will never, this will never happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Or that thing that you always talk about, if you found out that someone was cheating on someone you knew, you'd rather not know, you're going to pretend you don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hate the person your friend is going to marry. You cannot tell them that because you are the one who will be blamed and hate it.

[Allison Rosen]

The real question for me, and I would rat this guy out, but the real question for me is there are some of these crimes where this shit. More deaths occurred because of this. And then I don't know what this guy got into, but evidently there was nothing he didn't continue. He wasn't on a murderous streak, but he could have been.

[Adam Carolla]

He just dabbled in light murder.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, he might confess in 20 years to other ones.

[Allison Rosen]

So how did he confess again now? And it busted him. Yeah. Sad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they're saying the prior confession because the police interviewed one of the church people. They're saying that confession can be used to corroborate this newer one, that they were a little skeptical.

[Allison Rosen]

I would like people and, you know, they talk about those sort of Good Samaritan laws. I like those laws. Like, I want those. We're all in a society. We've all sort of have signed this invisible contract that we're in society together. And when you see somebody doing something that is way out of line or could possibly cause harm to another citizen, it is sort of your duty. I don't know, just like you have to pull out your license when you're going through the airport or many, many of the other things that we're sort of forced to do as a society. You can't just go rogue. I say it all the time. Wherever you live, you cannot own a billy goat or a lion or a llama. Unless you're out somewhere where it's like sanctioned. Like you can't. It's. Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because it's zoned for llamas.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, because it'll wake up the neighbors or you'll piss off someone or it'll bite a kid. Like it's just like, well, you go, well, this is my property. Yeah, but you're kind of living with other people and we have a society and I would like these people made an example of because let the word go out to everyone else.

[Adam Carolla]

Out of jail. She's in jail. Yeah, that's right. And then talk to these people who are probably all really old.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, Charlie.

[Charlie]

Hey, hey, hey, how you doing, guys? It's great to be on. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Good to speak to you.

[Charlie]

Hey, listen, here's my scoop. I saw that on Twitter that you guys were taking calls on sex and rob relationships.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. It's the only one. So make it good.

[Charlie]

I'll do what I can. I'm a 42 year old guy. I got divorced last year and I am still angry with my ex wife. How do I get over, how do I get over this to get on with my life?

[Allison Rosen]

What's the circumstances of the divorce?

[Charlie]

It's, you know, I think she was fooling around, but we just stopped getting along. And, and things just weren't working out, so she.

[Allison Rosen]

But you don't, you don't, you don't. You don't know she was fooling around.

[Charlie]

I don't. I mean, I'm pretty sure she was, but I don't have, you know, I know if I confronted her with it, she would just, you know, deny it and all that kind of crap.

[Allison Rosen]

And it was her idea to get divorced.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it was.

[Allison Rosen]

And do you have kids?

[Charlie]

Yes, we got two.

[Allison Rosen]

And how old are the kids?

[Charlie]

They're nine, 11. And we. I do have 50. 50 custody with them. That was something. I'm a pretty good dad. You know, I coach soccer and all that kind of stuff. So horrible.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's got to be the easiest sport in the world to coach. Kick the ball that way. All right, I'm gonna have another cold one. Who wants cold? We're good. No, by the way, hold on a second. I've never watched a soccer game where nine year olds are running in a circle and went, that team is poorly coached. A football. You know it. Because guys are going on the wrong count and they're running into each other.

[Bald Brian]

Kids have talent, clearly.

[Allison Rosen]

But coaching, can you imagine Bad News Bears soccer? I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be ladybugs.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like watching ants go nuts on an ant hill after you kick it or something. Like, I can't tell if they're. There's always just one kid who knows what he's doing. Like one fast Mexican kid who can score goals and that seems to take over. I can't watch soccer and tell you it's a shitty coach. So nice job on that. Charlie. You'll never be judged, at least by this commentator.

[Charlie]

Soccer's for the kids that can't throw a cat.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, thank you. All right, so listen, here's the. I don't know why, but when I hear 42 is perfect, the 40 year old dude, I mean, you're like, you're like, you know, you're just like off the box of just for men. Like, you can date whoever want. Anyone you want to.

[Bald Brian]

Lots of gray.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no one does. No one. No. But seriously, like 41 year old dude, you can date anyone from 21 to 50. Like you can fucking do whatever you want. The 42 year old chick with the two kids is limited in her range. So as far as the getting, getting back on that horse. A gainfully employed. And whereas the two kids become baggage to the new dude half the time of time, the two kids become endearing. Especially if you can fake like you like the little shits in front of her when, when you know, they're character reference.

[Teresa Strasser]

They're better than a dog, better than two dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Which shows you're not a creepy weirdo.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Right. Somebody fucked you at least twice. And yeah, if you good your daughter in front of the new chick, it's like fucking, fucking awesome. And it's just, it's not the baggage that it is with the lady. So I, you know, I feel like you're in pretty good shape, Charlie.

[Teresa Strasser]

But why, why, Charlie, are you angry at your ex wife?

[Charlie]

Honestly, she just can't admit that she did anything wrong ever. We've got this little thing going on with the health insurance and I overpaid the health insurance. They sent her some extra money, she cashed the check and doesn't want to give it back. And I talked to her last a couple weeks ago and I said, listen, we were together 14 years. If you could just say that you screwed up, that you fucked up, you made a mistake and you're sorry, I'll forget about the whole thing. And she's like, I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

I always apologize.

[Charlie]

She can't even. I'm like, I want you to say nine fucking words for $260 and you can't even do that.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys sound like a delightful couple. Yeah, but Charlie, look, all right, whatever. Sorry that you have to deal with each other because of joint custody and all that kind of stuff, but look, she's never gonna. You're never gonna get satisfaction out of her.

[Charlie]

This is true.

[Bald Brian]

More money maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're just not gonna get it. Your best revenge will be moving on with your relationships, moving on with your career and your budding soccer coach gig, which no one cares about.

[Adam Carolla]

What you know. You know the truth.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it's a good thing that you're not married to her if you're. If she's somebody who can never admit that she's wrong. So this is a glorious turn of events.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do? What's your profession, Charlie?

[Charlie]

I'm a teacher. I teach band and I actually teach firearm safety.

[Bald Brian]

That's range.

[Allison Rosen]

I wrote the word fire. I wrote the word fire as I was asking him what he did. Weird that you said firearm. I was thinking like firefighting or something, but I just wrote the word fire when I asked you what you did.

[Adam Carolla]

And you said reminding himself to fire one of us.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Tell you why. Here's how your brain works. I don't know how it works. That's how it works. You don't know how it works. That's how it works. There's weird little things that go off inside your brain and when you talk to 100,000 people, like I used to do in my former job, they're little tonal things and certain ways of speaking that remind you of guys who are in a certain position. Cops and fire firemen have a sort of a sound to them. And also obviously when you're dealing like former enlisted guys, you're like, no, ma'. Am. You know, you hear a lot of that and you go, okay, this guy was in the service. But the fact that this guy's a firearms instructor means like he's doing a lot. Okay, people, index finger, never. Do not pull the trigger. Squeeze the trigger. Safety always in the lock position. Tell the pistols out. You know, it's like a lot of that kind of, kind of talk. I don't know why, but I wrote.

[Adam Carolla]

An Interest in Justice.

[Allison Rosen]

I wrote the word fire down as I was asking what he did and he said firearms. Well, I said teacher and they said firearm instructor, band coach and firearm. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking range, buddy.

[Charlie]

It's. It is quite kind of big. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's also a great. Again, getting laid, resume gig, you know, teaching kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, man. If you could whip up a little story about. But I had a little retarded black girl in the room the other day. Never heard of a piccolo. Anyway, she, she was blown into it long ways. Survivor of abuse, no doubt. But by the end of the day, I had her playing. Oh, Jesus Christ. You had to go and ruin it with your finger fingering joke. But that's nice. Nice. Yeah. Between that and the pack and the heat.

[Teresa Strasser]

Mm, musical. A woman likes a musical, man.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're good. All right, so look, you got divorced for a reason, right?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, there you go. Move on.

[Charlie]

Move on.

[Allison Rosen]

You're one hot 27 year old substitute teacher away from moving on.

[Charlie]

Alright, good deal.

[Allison Rosen]

Good deal.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand that obsession with wanting someone to admit when they're wrong though. And it's such a destructive impulse. It's such a destructive thing to be. To need to hear that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. But I share your interest in the truth. And it drives me insane.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. It's wanting everyone to sign off on reality.

[Allison Rosen]

It drives me insane. And then the, the other part of that, there's a second layer to that horrible seven layer dip, which is then they go and share their version of the story with other people. And it's like she says, This. I went and got the insurance check and then I went and cashed it. And the next thing you know, he came running in yelling, whore, where's my money? And like, so she's giving her version of this story to her friends who are just believing her version of the story. And everyone tells you just forget about it. Don't think about it. It's like, nah, I have to see those people and stuff. And they're getting their shitty lying version of it.

[Adam Carolla]

But ultimately, the thing is that you just can't. You can't control other people. So therefore you're just. You're just hurting yourself by hanging on to wanting to hear something.

[Teresa Strasser]

And like, if you are telling the truth, you can feel comfortable in the fact that you're right and you shouldn't need the satisfaction. Having the other person admit that they're.

[Allison Rosen]

Wrong would be nice, though. Yeah, that doesn't feel that good. That's a tie. It's like two of you in the elevator. One guy farts, and everyone says, I didn't do it. It doesn't feel that satisfying. It doesn't. You're just like. And especially if a third person gets on and goes, oh, Jesus. And both people point at each other and go, he did it. No, he did it. It doesn't feel satisfying.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, Anna hosts a storytelling. Storytelling night. And I told a story at a storytelling night about how I got hoist on on my own petard fart lies. Because in fourth grade, all of a sudden, all the kids began smelling something and they were like, did you smell that? And I didn't smell anything. So I said, no. And they're like, you did not smell that. And then I'm like, I don't. I don't think. I know. Anyway, long story short, the fart got blamed on me. It was not my fart.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, wait a second. This is. Can't you explain to the science of whoever smelt it dealt it to them.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought we were operating under. But they decided different fart rules. They changed the rules in the middle of the night. You can't smell your own fart.

[Allison Rosen]

So are they working under the he who denies it supplies it?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Code. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But they flip flopped.

[Teresa Strasser]

And they only. I thought this was America.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you have one chance. Your only chance is, I may have cut the cheese, but you licked a knife.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's good. What does that mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, but it's a. Yeah. Yes. And it's a one upper. That's how you. One upper.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have that in my fourth grade art school.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you gotta have that.

[Adam Carolla]

They were just like, God, Allison, can you crack the window? Wins recess.

[Allison Rosen]

God. And then everyone jumps on and it makes it so much funnier. That's right. Scorebig.com by the way, you guys gotta go check out scorebig.com Thousands of tickets are given away and make the ballpark look sold out. You want to keep. You want some of those tickets? You want to get them at bargain basement prices. I don't even need the basement part of bargain. You had me bargain.

[Bald Brian]

The bargain mezzanine.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like, bargain. Where. Where's this bargain going? In the penthouse. Thank you, but good day. As a matter of fact, I'd rather be in the penthouse having a bargain.

[Bald Brian]

Would you like to visit our bargain pavilion?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Cause you don't have to pay top dollar in the basement. No. All those preserves. Put up the extra weird dance. Hurt your ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Pressure.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. And weird paneling. And a futon. Yeah. And a bumper pool game.

[Bald Brian]

Avoid all of this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Forget all this. That's right, Pac Man.

[Adam Carolla]

You play sitting down.

[Allison Rosen]

Score big.com. scorebig.com Save 30% or more on your first purchase, by the way. Just go to the scorebig.com, click on the radio button, and enter the code Adam. So, Red Sox, Dodgers, whatever your team is. Yankees, it says Knicks here. But next year, Nick's never too soon. Never too soon to get those tickets for next year. Always less than full price, Never any fee. Scorebig.com you tell them where you want to sit, you tell them your price, and they'll tell you in a second whether you got the tickets or not. You'd be surprised. Promo code Adam. All right, let's do one more news story if you got it in you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, speaking of sports, which I try not to not to, Hard Knocks will be coming back featuring the Miami Dolphins. I know you guys love this show. Anna, have you seen this show?

[Teresa Strasser]

This is on television?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is a reality show.

[Anna David]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is my favorite show. Training camp with the Miami Dolphins. Who misses that? Not me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've never seen it, but my understanding is that I really need to be seeing it, regardless of whether I enjoy sports or not. It's that good, because Brian and Adam talk about it all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I plan to watch Musclebound Dudes.

[Teresa Strasser]

What network is this on?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hbo, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Usually is, but then it moved around. It's like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's HBO according to Silent Gary.

[Bald Brian]

Showtime.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Right. I thought Hard Knocks moved around. Or you know what? I'm wrong. They just took a season off or two seasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Having trouble finding a team to do it.

[Allison Rosen]

It is like everything that HBO does, so incredibly shot. They'll have these shots. It's beautifully shot. You just go, wow, wow. They'll put cameras in places. They'll just have the sprinklers going off in the morning like a butterfly in the foreground. Just take off when one of the sprinklers starts heading its way and it's like perfect. The music is perfect. It's shot beautifully. Yes. And don't look at it as sports. Look at it as a date documentary with super good looking black dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, sold.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. Looking forward to that. Yeah, I love it when the Turk comes down the hall. Like I said, it's always 3am always. I always wake the guys up. I don't know if there's a strategy, like, hey, I want a guy in my office with a boner. He's not gonna tend to argue as much. But they do something. Arguing at 3am they do something that I've said and as we've talked about before, they have the dignity, which they don't have in this town of when your pilot doesn't get picked up or you get shit canned or you're not coming back for a second season or whatever it is. They have a guy come down the hall, he knocks on your door, he says, get your playbook. You go down the hall and you sit down with the head coach. It'd be like you sitting down with Les Moonves. And he says something complimentary about whatever work is you did, then says something like, you know, we're going to try and see if we can get you on another network, but if nobody picks you up, you know, blah, blah, blah. Here are your options. Thank you very much. And we know we'll probably see you down the road playing us and scoring a touchdown. And then they get up and leave. Like, they give them that little moment.

[Adam Carolla]

To break up with you. They should do that. Grab your bra and undies.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. The Turk. Turk wants you to grab your bra and undies. Oh, get your diary. Bring your key. That's right. Yeah. And it's so brutal because everyone knows that when the Turk comes and gets you and tells you to get your playbook, it's not because the coach wants to go over some plays at 5:15 in the morning. And it's always super early in the morning. It's compelling.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird hours.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. The Turk's always the same dude. Big gut. But you wouldn't want to mess with him. He's never in his 30s, but he's never in his 60s. He's like a perpetual 47 or 51.

[Bald Brian]

He played linebacker back when everyone was 5, 10 to 1.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right. Yeah. They called him the butt plug. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you're saying in Hollywood, they don't do that. They just. They do the, like, no news is bad news. I feel like Hollywood invented that.

[Allison Rosen]

I've had a lot of pilots that haven't gotten picked up where I never spoke to anybody. Like, I just heard from other people. And, like, I've done shows. Like, I did a home improvement show that everyone's like, oh, I love that show. How come you haven't done a second? You never did another season?

[Adam Carolla]

Hollywood does the fade out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And I go. And they go, well, how come you never did another season? I go, I don't know. I've never spoke to anybody about it. Just. We just. It never did. There's no official. There's no Turk that tells you that. Probably for the best, because, you know, why the long haul, you know, when the Turk says, get the playbook, you know, the long walk down the hall, the closure. I. You know, I hate them for being pussies and cowards and not doing it, but my phone not ringing is bullet dog for me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. I mean, it's not a fun conversation. It's the same thing with getting your. The rights to your books purchased. Like, oh, my God, we're so excited. We're making a movie. We got a script, we got a start, and then literally, that company.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Has never heard it. You have, like, you email them one day and it bounces back. And that's like, how you know that it's not happening anymore?

[Adam Carolla]

Did that happen to you?

[Teresa Strasser]

That happened. That's a true story.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I've had that happen, too. The only good. The. The only good that ever came of it is my wife said to me, you should write Deaf frat Guy the movie. And I was like, get the hell. And then it was like out of a sitcom where I went, that is the best idea I've ever heard. I was like, bewitched episode. And I said, yeah, that would be funny. And somehow we went to the guys that made Harold and Kumar and those movies, and we sat down and we pitched it, and somehow we got it made. I mean, we got the script that gave us a bunch of money. Not a bunch. It was like 80 grand or something, but it was like. It was money. And, you know, it's like basement pennies. Well, sounds like pennies, but you take it. I know you're joking, but you split it in half, and then you give something to your agent and then taxes when your taxes and then when you're done a year and a half later didn't exactly turn out to be a whole cash crop for you. But anyway, we did it and everything, and the script was really good, and we did the polish and blah blah, blah. And Lynette read it. Oh, she loved it. She announced it was the funniest thing ever and blah, blah, blah, and oh, this is going to be great. It was her idea and all sorts of stuff. And then just went away. And she was like, what happened? And I was like, just went away, you know? And she was like, what? What are you talking about? Like. And I was like, what do you. I said, first off, what do you think happens to me five times? Like, this is how it works. And she's like, but that's bullshit. That was a good script. And I was like, they're all good scripts. They just go away. And they're like, but why? What happened? They paid you a bunch of money and it's like, sweetie, that's. This is the town we're living in. And that's how it works. Except Goodfellas, I have no. And that's that. And there's nothing. And then she tipped over a phone booth right in the living room. And really the only good part of it is I could go have. Welcome to my world. You write, you do it, everyone's hyped up on it, and it just goes away. All right? I'll tell you something that's not going away. Evoice. Oh, boy, sound like a pro. Be a pro. Even if you're. Even if you're just a little guppy in a big pond. Voicemails are transcribed into easy to read emails, Text I textuses texticles. Easy to read emails or texticles. No more listening to them. Long winded messages plus professionally recorded customized greetings. You can say, brian, sing the praises, baby.

[Bald Brian]

I was going to say, you know what is going away is the days of you checking your voicemail. They come right through your phone, whether it's by text or email. And no more sitting through the long messages where it's like cutting in and out, all that stuff, forgetting it right to the meat of the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

When you want to, you can click the evoice banner on AdamCarolla.com and. And you can get it six months free. Six months. When the hell Are we? It's Christmas time. You got it from now until about Christmas time, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Think about that. Well, at Thanksgiving.

[Teresa Strasser]

Transcribe them. Well, I remember Google voice ones were hilarious.

[Allison Rosen]

No, these are professional. These are the best thing you've ever seen.

[Bald Brian]

If it's garbled, it'll occasionally say question marks, but that's only if it's like, you know, the person's phone is bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Charlie Brown's dad, teacher calling you.

[Allison Rosen]

Evoice.com Adam I'm going to tell you about Charlie Brown in a second. Evoice.com Adam I watched Charlie Brown with my kids the other night. We just had one of those movie parties in bed with the popcorn and all that stuff. And we watched Charlie Brown Christmas. And first off, Charlie Brown's wildly depressed, depressing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, Lucy had a therapist's office, like, set up out in the snow. And, like, you'd put a nickel in her can and start talking to her about your parents and society. It was kind of a weird.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something melancholy about the whole thing. There's no adults.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no adults. And it's a weird. I mean, it's funny, but it's kind of dark. Speaking of dark, there's no. Oh, there is a black kid, Franklin. He wasn't in this one. He wasn't in this. He must have been in rehab or something because he was not in the joint. I don't know people, but he was trying to eat Linus's face in Florida. Trying to eat Linus face. He was. I was looking at a scene where they were all on stage. Maybe you guys have this. Maybe I somehow didn't pick up Franklin. But they're all on stage just rocking out to the. And boy, they had that, you know, the Peanuts, the theme song. Boy, they fucked the shit out of that song. Like, every 10 seconds, like, somebody just went, you cannot play this song enough. There is not a human being. Yeah. That will ever get tired of that. No one ever go, oh, not again already. Like, if I knew someone who could play that on a piano, I would just stand next to him and go, do it again. Do it again. Like, there's no. Like, I'm so burnt out on this. They would never stop it. And so they were up doing the Christmas pageant and they're up on stage. And I, like, paused, and I was like, God, there's 11 white kids up there on stage and nothing else. And then I thought, that ain't gonna happen in today's society. And then there were Little lines that you learned to love when you were a kid that didn't really mean anything. Like the one chick who had naturally curly hair. Like, it was wildly entertaining. Which you'd go, my naturally curly hair. It's like I'd go to school the next day. It was something weird.

[Bald Brian]

I think it was Frida.

[Allison Rosen]

But it was naturally curly hair. And it's not exactly what you call a clever line. Like, if you wrote that down, you wouldn't go running into your bedroom. Honey, wake up, wake up. Look at that, huh? Naturally curly.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that much better than wavy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Remember how it was wavy? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said that something just wasn't working. He was bumping me.

[Allison Rosen]

That's where I get the big bucks, my lady. The big bucks. Yeah. So it turns out this is the.

[Adam Carolla]

House that naturally curly bought us.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's also one of these things where Schulz is sort of. His cartoons were always hacky, but maybe it's too tall in order to expect someone to be funny all the time in a newspaper. But I would always toggle in between, that's not funny. And then go, that's really creative. And then back to, that's not funny. And then back to, that's really creative. Like this weird. Like Snoopy's flying his thing around like the red bear, and you're going, did he get high before he came up with all this shit and no parents around?

[Adam Carolla]

It was sweet, but never laugh out loud funny.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but also.

[Teresa Strasser]

But I mean, when you're eight years old, naturally curly hair is hilarious. Just because you're eight years old.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Hilarious is pushing it for me.

[Teresa Strasser]

You were the one bringing it to.

[Allison Rosen]

School, though, I think Schultz. Well, first off, we didn't have cable, so. Or iPads, so we. We're fucked. I'd like to work out the who has made more on less talent. If Schultz had written that song, it'd go a long way for me. I feel like it's almost Pink Panther esque. Like your product is. I don't know. But your song is so iconic and so amazing. So you remove the song from Peanuts and now all of a sudden we're sliding down the back. Like we go from a 9 to a 5. And people overrate it and they have a sort of warm spot in their heart or whatever.

[Bald Brian]

Nostalgic.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just saying that between Snoopy doing the MetLife commercials ten years after Schultz has gone, I'm just. How much money has Charles Schulz made? If you had just two meters, two graphs, one is the just God given ability, like talent, like chops. Like, this fucking guy's funny. This guy's got. This guy's Sacha Baron Cohen funny. Or this guy is crazy artists, like gifted, touched by God or, you know, Madonna just, you know, can do anything and just super, super creative, whatever it is. Like that versus how much money they've brought in. I think Schultz has quietly brought in like $200 billion. And he's never said anything or done anything that's made me laugh. All right, maybe I'm a douche, but I think he's been wildly overconfident.

[Bald Brian]

You're right about both.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you know who's. You know who's work, you know, you know who's gotten paid the least for being the funniest? The aforementioned deaf rat guy. Poor guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Potato gun. All right. Is that the news, baby girl?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the news with Allison Rosenberg. Ah, Anna, are you still doing any writing for Maxim?

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, I actually am doing a story for Women's Health, but I am not writing for Maxim. I'm doing the books and then the editing the fix website and then doing this. This show called True Tales of love and Lust that Alison told the aforementioned fart story in.

[Adam Carolla]

But great fart story.

[Teresa Strasser]

It was a great tale of lust and love.

[Allison Rosen]

You never know when you're going back to Maxim. Like Maxim Digital, right? That's true.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, there was a reason you asked.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's all right. You'll be back. They always come back. Www.maxim.com digital yeah, a lot of people don't want to go down the newsstand, deal with the crazy guy behind the counter.

[Adam Carolla]

He could eat your face.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the craziest? I feel like newsstand guy are some of the craziest dudes, like in terms of just societal come across them jobs. I know there are guys who like, dig out bat guana somewhere that are crazier than that guy, but I'm talking about the guy you walk past on a daily basis secretly enough to get.

[Bald Brian]

You too off topic. The chick who works at the dog adoption agency. Nuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're gonna avoid both of them by going to www.maxim.com. they have issues, baby. And they're all up there. They got the June 2012 issue currently available, including the 2012 Hot 100. I'd make it 102 and put you two ladies on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank you. But there's. Yeah, there's photos galore.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's what you need, max 100. Yeah. One the of of the Ben. Best bond secretaries ever. Photos Galore and Maxim cousin. That's right. How did that pitch work? I know Ian Fleming in there. We'll call her Galore. What you saying? Galore.

[Bald Brian]

You want to dial it back a bit? I mean, that's kind of on the nose.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember it was funny, Little Max, some side story here. But I was with Jimmy once when we were doing Kroc a million years ago, and I was like, reviewing movies, and I was reviewing a Bond movie, and I said. And I was making a joke. I was like, his secret. I was gonna say this on the air. It's like his secretary, Snatchy McVolva. And he said, you can't say that on the air. And I said, why not? And he said, because you can't say snatchy. And whatever. Vulva. I can't say snatchy on the air. This is 1994. And I got all sanctimonious. I said, that's her name. That's her name. Her name is Snatchy McVolva. And why shouldn't I be able to say her name? And he said like, well, why don't you name her Fucky fucktard then and see if that works? And I remember thinking, all right, that's a good point. Her name could not be Fucky Fucktard.

[Bald Brian]

Touche, sports guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Touche, sports guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Snatchy, to be fair. Fair is not snatch.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but this is back Snatchesque. This is. This is true. This is in the pre tits era. Or titty. Right. You couldn't say titty bar back in the day. You can file it under one of the many things that I pre complained about. And it worked because you could say, I would always, like, go, hold on. You can say boobs and jugs and knockers and hooters, but you can't say titties. Does anyone say, think that makes sense? And everyone just goes, you can't say titties. And I'd go, you will be able to say titties soon. And this is fucking insane. And they would just go, you can't say titties. Proven. Proven wrong. But more offensive than hooters or jugs?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, not more offensive, just more terrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, more terrible. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's just a gross word, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, But I like titty bar anyway. Yeah. All right, where was I? Www.maxim.com and check it all out from the safety and anonymity of your own computer. All right, where the heck were we? Yes. An Evening with Moi and Dennis Prager in San Diego. Available now at our store and also on iTunes. Over 90 minutes and under five bucks. Number two, by the way, on the Billboard comedy chart. Fifteen on the heat seekers. No one knows what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds good.

[Allison Rosen]

15. We're seeking heat at number 15 and number one on the spoken word. So check that out. Until next time, this is Adam Perilla for Teresa Strasser. Anna David. And again, Animal attraction is the name of the Kindle single. I like this idea. 75 cents of each buck right here. But I'm gonna say purse because you're a lady. Anna David. Website annadavid.com I will remember meeting you next time I see you if it's sometime later today. Other than that, no guarantees.

[Teresa Strasser]

Got it.

[Allison Rosen]

And Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo. Feh with your dinosaurs. I'm hanging out, getting a cuticle. P.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Adam Colo show 834. That does it for today's pro classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, follow and get on.