Jordan Peele + Keegan-Michael Key (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Jordan Peele + Keegan-Michael Key (Carolla Classics)
Release Date: June 28, 2025

---

Introduction

In this special episode of The Adam Carolla Show, hosted by PodcastOne / Carolla Digital, Adam Carolla revisits some of the most memorable moments from the past 16 years of his show. This edition, titled "Jordan Peele + Keegan-Michael Key (Carolla Classics)," spotlights the influential comedy duo, Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key, exploring their journey, contributions to comedy, and the lasting impact of their collaborative work.

---

Highlighting Key & Peele's Legacy

Adam Carolla opens the episode by reminiscing about the success of "Key & Peele," emphasizing its status as one of the best shows on Comedy Central. The show premiered to an impressive 2.1 million total viewers, marking a significant achievement in today's competitive comedy landscape.

Adam Carolla [41:08]: "And now the man whose slogan is, there's a nap for that."

The discussion transitions into comparing "Key & Peele" with other iconic sketch comedy shows like "SCTV," "The Kids in the Hall," and "MADtv." Adam and his co-hosts appreciate how "Key & Peele" managed to maintain originality and relevance, despite the ever-evolving nature of sketch comedy.

Giovanni [43:12]: "The closest it ever got was, remember season nine? We went to the Chicago Improv Festival and... they made this declaration that there were going to be three more seasons."

Origins and Collaboration

The episode delves into the origins of Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key's collaboration. Both comedians' experiences in Chicago's vibrant improv scene, particularly at Boom Chicago and The Second City, set the foundation for their partnership. Their shared background and complementary comedic styles fostered a dynamic that propelled "Key & Peele" to success.

Brian Bishop [44:15]: "So I was there with, you know, some talented people like Baron Holtz, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis... having a good time and losing our minds out there."

Impact on Modern Comedy

Adam Carolla and his team discuss the profound impact "Key & Peele" has had on modern comedy. Their ability to tackle social issues with humor and intellect has not only entertained audiences but also sparked important conversations about race, culture, and society.

Adam Carolla [53:37]: "We just have to escape. You know, you're rolling around in front of the club, someone's got a hold of your head, Next thing you know it's going into a parking meter."

The hosts highlight specific sketches that resonate with audiences, showcasing Peele and Key's talent for blending sharp wit with relatable scenarios.

Behind the Scenes and Anecdotes

Throughout the episode, Adam shares behind-the-scenes anecdotes and personal stories related to "Key & Peele." These insights offer listeners a deeper understanding of the creative process and the challenges the duo faced in bringing their unique vision to television.

Giovanni [44:23]: "Boom Chicago was the name of the theater in Amsterdam. I don't know why."

Commercial Breaks and Sponsor Messages

Interspersed with the main content are humorous sponsor segments promoting brands like Maxima Style and Auto Shepherd. These breaks maintain the show's signature blend of humor and advertising, adding an extra layer of entertainment for the audience.

Adam Carolla [17:29]: "Maxima Style. They've been around for a while. We could fill all the potholes with holes and get rid of the pothole problem."

Audience Interaction and Comedy Bits

The transcript showcases lively interactions among the hosts and recurring guests, including humorous exchanges and playful banter. While some segments veer off-topic, they contribute to the overall engaging and dynamic atmosphere of the show.

Allison Rosen [83:05]: "We could use their ladies."

Final Reflections and Wrap-Up

As the episode draws to a close, Adam Carolla reflects on the enduring legacy of Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key's comedy. He expresses admiration for their work and looks forward to their future projects, underscoring the duo's significant role in shaping contemporary comedy.

Adam Carolla [113:53]: "But you just wonder. How do you, how do you feel about this? Like, she has a school named after her, and there's a bunch of nine year olds attending a school with her name on it. And she was a drug addict and was ultimately probably taken because of said drugs."

Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show offers a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key's contributions to comedy. Through nostalgic clips, insightful discussions, and humorous anecdotes, listeners gain a deeper appreciation for the duo's talent and the lasting impact of their collaborative efforts.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla [41:08]: "And now the man whose slogan is, there's a nap for that."
• Giovanni [43:12]: "The closest it ever got was... three more seasons."
• Adam Carolla [53:37]: "We just have to escape..."
• Allison Rosen [83:05]: "We could use their ladies."

---

This structured summary captures the essence of the episode, focusing on the pivotal discussions surrounding Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key while integrating notable quotes and maintaining a clear, engaging flow for those unfamiliar with the original podcast.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments highlights of fans like to clip small 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics. It's premium only. Through Podcast One Premium you can find ad free archives for every episode of the show, including Back in the Day with myself and Chris co hosted. You can also find ad free archives at the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out through Adam Corolla's [e-mail] Make sure to check it out and subscribe. And if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcoroolla.com Please note we can only play material from the Adam Carolla Show. We could possibly play the Adam and Drew show, but there already was Adam and Drew Show Classics so we don't ever do that. We can also play it from other shows like Ace in the House or shows are no longer being produced. For the most part though, we stick to the Adam Carolla show for all requests pertaining to the Adam Carolla show that aired on KLSX from 2006 to 2009. None of that material can be played here. That includes bits like hang up on Ann Coulter, Adam predicting Trump would be president in eight years, back in 2008, all of 2007 with Danny Bonaduce. We're lucky we can't play that. And anything from the Loveline days. Phone sex operator doesn't know about the Holocaust by the way she says the hole across nobody knows that. People bring up all the time. That was her immediate reply. Or any of their famous moments like.

[Adam Carolla]

Pennywise being kicked out of the studio.

[Giovanni]

All that Loveline stuff can be played here as well. If you want to find any of.

[Adam Carolla]

The Kayla's Ex Adam Carla show or.

[Giovanni]

Loveline, come find me on Patreon patreon.com Giovanni that's where I handle all those requests. And all the material that can be air is part of Coral Classics. So if you have any questions about.

[Adam Carolla]

That old stuff or need any help.

[Giovanni]

Finding anything, patreon.com Giovanni is completely free. Come ask me questions there. All right, let's get to the clips. Once again. We're going all the way back to 2012, starting out today with Adam Colishow 757, the great Jordan Peele, Keegan, Michael Key, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. If you like Key and Peele, you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna love this one. And now the man whose slogan is, there's a nap for that. Adam Carolla. Yeah, Mike Lynch. Very proud of himself for that one good time. Always. Tell me proud of himself because he hovers by the wind.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. He's doubled over his own wit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Good day, Ball. Brian. You know what?

[Brian Bishop]

I hate doing this podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, humanity. All right, let me complain for just a few beats and then we'll get on with the show.

[Mike August]

Not a few beats more. Not a few beats more.

[Allison Rosen]

Then we'll come back tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I told you, my first world problems. Everyone's tired of hearing them. But the strangers running around in your house, when you have money, you have strangers running around in your house.

[Mike August]

Poor men.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And they're literally strangers in the sense that you didn't know them eight months ago. And now they're in your house and they're there alone. And then when you're there, you're both there alone with each other. But there's a huge language, cultural and everything else barrier. And I had this thing where there's always somebody in my house and I don't like it. I like to walk into my house and just sort of be alone.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the I could beat off in any room I wanted to sort of thing, even if I choose not to.

[Allison Rosen]

Your money should buy you that at the very least.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I was pulling up my driveway, did this thing over at the Arc Light. It was like 1:30 in the afternoon. I was pulling up my driveway and I thought, no one's home. I'll be the only one home. This is interesting. I may break wind as I enter. And I walked in and I said, I had this thing going. I had the Chinese food waiting for me. I was hungry, and I started thinking about the Chinese food as I was driving home from the Arc Light. And I thought, oh, that's going to be nice. Little splash of water shot in the microwave. I'll reanimate this pork fried rice and all that stuff, and then I'll.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you.

[Allison Rosen]

You multitask.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm also saying you use your seasonings, I'll use mine. Point is this, I said to myself, I'm going to have myself a nice big old heaping pile of Chinese food from the other day, and I'm going to sit in the kitchen and eat this alone. And then I walked into the kitchen. And there was the maid, Nellie, and she's just sitting at the table. And she's sitting at the table eating. Except for her. I hope you're sitting down. Tamale wrapper is broken open and sort of shredded and spread all over the island where I'm going to put my stuff. And it's just kind of spread out there.

[Mike August]

It's like that scene in Omega man where you realize you're not the only man on earth.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mike August]

But you're kind of disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But soon I'm gonna fuck a black chick. It's gonna be awesome. So I. And she's sitting there at the table and I do the. Oh, hey. And now is that thing where I'm gonna prepare my meal while she sits there. And it's unclear whether we're gonna talk or not.

[Allison Rosen]

Who works for whom here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And then she gives me the. Her son because she's going through a divorce because she caught her man cheating. And her son is blaming her and he's, you know, six and a half, and he's taking it out on her. And he's having troubles at school. So I'm sitting there and I'm pulling the Chinese food out of the refrigerator, and she says, nathan's complaining today. And I said, yeah, there you go. You know, it's nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Compassionate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I said, boy, what are you gonna do? And she said, yeah, at school they draw. They take blood. They take blood. They take a lot of blood. And I'm like, okay, okay, that's good. What are you gonna do? Picturing the Mexican kid being drained of all his fluids. It's awesome. As I heat up my pork fried rice, you know, so I'm getting this stuff out. They take his blood, they take his blood. And I. Oh, yeah, yeah. He cries, he cries, he cry. And he's very upset. Let the baby have his body. Yeah, okay, there you go. That's what they say over there, you know? And I'm trying to kind of work.

[Mike August]

You know what they say? Just trail off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, it's like my. Like my grandpa used to say, that's about right. So I'm going, okay. I go. And she's like, they take so much blood. They take so much for the testing. I said, yeah, all right. A few sweet moments ago, I was alone in my own house for the first time ever. And I got this woman who walked from El Salvador. Literally, literally walked. Just telling me about all the blood.

[Mike August]

Also ran.

[Adam Carolla]

That was removed. Also ran. Serpentine. It was removed from her son. And so I'm like, okay. And then. And then. So I'm like, he cry. He cries, you know. I said, okay, he's crying there, you know, he's a little boy. You know, get over that there. My parents were divorced, you know, I turned out fine. So I got. Then. Then she goes, he tried. He said, he's sick. He wants his mommy to pick him up. He said, he's sick. I said, I remember I used to do that too. He vomits. He vomit all over the place.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, such a dramatic story.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, well, maybe he's sick. Then he sees blood, vomit, you know. No, no. He put his finger in his throat and vomits, makes himself. And I'm like, okay, all righty. All right. I have all the food out now. I go, hey, I'm heading out, you know? And she goes, where are you going? And I go, just upstairs. I go. I literally just go upstairs and I sit on a chair. Like, I'm gonna count to 100 Mississippi until she stops talking about vomiting or blood or in her kid or something. Like, picks up and clears it out. Then I go back down in the kitchen. And I have this disorder where once I'm bothered by something, I'm fucking bothered by it. It's that, you know, I'm sleeping. It's that, you know, 50s comedy where you're sleeping and you hear the drip, drip, drip come from the tub and you put the thing. But you're now thinking about the drip, you know, And I. It's like I could almost hear it. And so I, like, I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna sit up, sit in a chair, and I'm gonna count to 100 Mississippi. Like, I'm not going back down there. She's got it. She's packing it up. I can tell she's on the way out with that tamale. And I go back down, and now she's on the cell phone and she's standing at the sink in the loud Spanish, you know, And I gotta circle back around and go back up the thing and wait. And I thought, what. What's going on? What's happened? What goes on here? What should I do? I can't be a douche. I can't be like, who gives a fuck about your. I feel he's a hemophiliac son of.

[Allison Rosen]

Yours with the finger eating disorder.

[Adam Carolla]

Eating disorder. Believe me, I've seen this kid. There's no eating disorder there. None whatsoever.

[Allison Rosen]

What was she. I know this is not the point of your story, but what was she implying with the. He puts his finger down his throat. Is he doing it for attention?

[Adam Carolla]

He thr. He. First she was saying he pitched a fit and had to get out and wanted me to. Her to pick him up from school because he was pitching a fit, saying he was sick. And then when I said. Then she said, he's throwing up. I said, well, maybe he is sick. And that's when she said, no, he's putting his finger down his throat, making himself throw up. You know, like a supermodel. If they modeled Huarachis. Super huarachi model, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

See, there's nothing you can do with that story as. Unless you want to just dive in and you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Fucking cold Chinese food hearing. I mean, the blood, the taking the copies.

[Mike August]

So much blood.

[Adam Carolla]

There's so much blood. Like, they take so much blood. You know, some of it's a little language thing where they don't know how to.

[Allison Rosen]

It's messy, emotionally and literally.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they don't. They can't finesse the. The thing where they took more than their fair share of blood, you know, hemoglobin, you know, it's not that kind of. It's like they take so much. You know, there's always that little sense of urgency, and they don't really know. And she's eating, and I'm trying to eat. So we go. We make a nice smooth segue from blood to vomit. And it's like a fucking maple Thorpe painting in my kitchen. I'm just ready to go at this point, but I'm already. I'm pissed. Cause I came home to tranquility.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I was like, oh, no one's here. Good. Now plan in the kitchen.

[Allison Rosen]

I couldn't do it. I mean, I'd like to have enough money that I would have the option, but I really. If someone's in my home, I'm very aware of them, and I can't relax.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, rich white guy. Problem number two. Get a hysterical call from my wife today that Natalia was very upset, very upset at school. Very. Dad is going to teach her do that later so she can make the gymnastics team. Very upset because there was a cupcake Valentine's Day party at her school today, and all the mommies and the daddies were there except for her mommy and her daddy. Now, the school sent it out as a. Hey, we're having a party. And if parents want to come, they can come, but we're busy. And this thing that I've said a million times, Valentine's day, Tuesday, cupcake party, Tuesday noonish. Hello? Jobs, responsibilities. Not having to celebrate a fucking holiday with your 5 year old daughter. That has weird.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not about the love of parents and children.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it has some weird strange sexual overtones with your own daughter. Like it's a fucking weird. When does everyone have to be everyone's Valentine? Like it's this thing of like, you know, the person, you're your sweetheart or your hubby, your main man or whatever, but your kids and you and the school and you gotta. And the alarming amount of dads that were there in the middle of fucking day. Jesus Christ, dads. We gotta take a fucking stand. First off, school people have fucking jobs. Stop inviting the parents to every ay. Your kid made a solid bm. You want to come down and take a picture of that? No, there's like, there's, look, there's, there's basically three events. There's the parent teacher meeting, there's the, you know, father daughter dance or something like on Saturday at 6pm Not. There's shit. They schedule shit all during the week, all during the day. Like you're supposed to just come on down. It's so fucked up. And so everybody else was there except for me and mommy and Natalia was crying and sobbing and devastated that her, her mommy did not represent at the cupcake Valentine's Day for the five year olds. Jesus Christ, everybody. Oh, he doesn't give a shit. Thank God. Although he did give me a Valentine's Day card while I was asleep. Yeah, it's nice. Came in through it after. He's gay. It's gonna be awesome.

[Mike August]

Were the one kid's two dads there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a great time we're living in because they're being a two upper. The conversations, yeah, the conversations you get into are fucking insane because as I've said on the podcast before, you know, my, my, my son was doing the I wish iron man was my daddy. And I said, do you wish Iron man was your daddy? And then like, you know, my wife or the nanny or the chick who talks about blood and vomit would have said, well, if Iron man was your daddy, then what would your daddy do? You can't have two daddies. And I said, yes, sonny, you have to make a choice. You can't have two daddies. And he's like, sean has two daddies. And you're like, great, thanks, gays. Awesome. How are you supposed to argue with that? He's got two daddies. I don't know about that. I'M sure one of them's not Iron Man. More like Leatherman. Leather bottom. Yeah, leather. Gross.

[Mike August]

Stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

I will not stand for it. That will not stand for it. All right, so that felt good. And then on the heels. On the heels of me complaining about I'm working on this animated show for Fox and we do an animated show, you get what is called the Bible, which has all the characters and the pictures and where they come from and how old they are and what they do and all that stuff. On the back page of the Bible, or maybe it's even the front page, it says creator, star, whatever. Adam Carolin. There's three other names. Executive producer, whatever. My name's spelled incorrectly.

[Mike August]

Is this the first time I ever read a Bible?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, good point. Yes, probably is. So incorrect spelling on that. And then somebody tweeted me the Celebrity Apprentice. I don't know if it's on the NBC promo page or whatever, but Adam Carolla misspelled on the Celebrity Apprentice homepage. Now they have the correct spelling of my name, but not going to put it on the screen.

[Allison Rosen]

They decided they know better.

[Adam Carolla]

What? As I was saying to Kevin Hans, if your last name is Johnson and you spell it S, E, N, that's kind of on you. Like, that's you've taken a common last name and you've spelled it a different way.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Even then before you put it on a jersey or on a homepage or on a Bible, one should check. But if you take a common spelled name and you just misspell it or you spell it in a weird way, kind of on you. Oh, celebrity bios. Adam Carolla spelled the correct way. Right. Which is now worse that it's spelled the correct way somewhere on their website.

[Allison Rosen]

That means they're just careless.

[Natasha Leggero]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But when you have a name that's not a common name, why aren't you finding out how to spell it correctly? I would never assume I could spell anyone's last name. And that one's on you. What the fuck is going on? And how does things work?

[Allison Rosen]

You just don't read.

[Adam Carolla]

I never notice it. Someone else always points it out to me. Even on the Bible, I didn't notice it.

[Mike August]

And Celebrity Apprentice, the roster is more akin to a basketball team than it is to, say, a college football team. There's one. Whatever there is, there's 15 of you. You know what I'm saying? There's not 90 of you. They can look up the 15 names. It wouldn't take that long.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're dealing with Celebrities. You'd think that they would want to take the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and also, the thing about celebrities is those names are out there. Yeah, like my name's been out there for 15 years. It's not that hard to find. Go to AdamCarolla.com and you can.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think they're going to the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Find it.

[Allison Rosen]

Checking it against that.

[Adam Carolla]

Understood. All right. Why don't you get some of the news queued up? I'm gonna give a little love to one of our fine sponsors, Maxima Style. By the way, they're giving us the lighting for our new studio.

[Mike August]

Oh, the LED lights?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, the LED light.

[Mike August]

How are those?

[Giovanni]

Better?

[Mike August]

You keep telling me how those are better.

[Adam Carolla]

How are those? Well, a, they're better on zits than fluorescent lighting. Oh, there you go. Nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, now you have my attention.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing worse than a zit and a fluorescent bulb.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever gotta look at yourself on a fluorescent bulb. There should be a law that says in restaurants you cannot use fluorescent lighting over the sink because you ever do a thing where you're in the middle of a date, you walk into the bathroom and you go, holy shit, you're a monster.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? I didn't know I was so green.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'll bring out zits that you thought were gone in high school. Yeah. Not LED lighting.

[Allison Rosen]

Those zits passed.

[Adam Carolla]

LED lighting. LED lighting. Take a carbuncle apart.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not just zits. Yeah.

[Mike August]

You go on the first date, you bring your own LED lights.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mike August]

Installing this real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Can't this wind and install this bulb right?

[Adam Carolla]

Then they go home and tell their roommate. What kind of guy was he? I don't know, but he had a lot of ideas. One tenth the energy of the regular incandescent style and 20 times longer. That's how much. That's how much. It lasts 20 times longer than a regular bulb. So for the ultimate in style and the ultimate in prices and selection. Maximastyle.com Again, they're giving us our stuff. Good enough for us, good enough for you. Maxximastyle.com get it. For your outdoor stuff, especially if you have kids. Oh, you know, my kids, the lights stay on, they have sconces in their room, and times four. That means four bulbs on, you know, eight in the morning. All replaced, by the way, with the LEDs. Maxximastyle.com they have everything you need under there. You can win a $25 gift card. What? Enter the Maxima Style Bright Ideas contest. Tweet at Aceonthe house with your clever home improvement quick fix. Ooh, that's interesting. I like that. Anyway, good guys, good sponsors. Check them out and use the coupon code ADAM for additional savings. Let them know Adam sent you. All right, so we do a little news. Sure. The news with Allison Rosen.

[Giovanni]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison.

[Giovanni]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Adam Carolla]

Up, she'll sign it off with.

[Giovanni]

Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Lynn Houston's body was flown from LA to her home city of Newark, New Jersey, on, according to tmz, Tyler Perry's private jet. He lent the family his jet.

[Adam Carolla]

How's that guy have any money? He's not funny.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying that is a really nice jet that. She was like, you should. Look, once you die, you should be.

[Allison Rosen]

Alive to appreciate it.

[Adam Carolla]

Once you die. Southwest all the way. You know what I mean? Yeah. And as far as the guys, should.

[Allison Rosen]

You be in Carry on or. Checked.

[Adam Carolla]

Just sitting. Just sitting in a seat.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And whoever's sitting next to you, Bullet dodge.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you're gonna get some fat guy who's a little. Hey, I love the Man Show. Why don't you bring that back in? A lot of why don't you bring back the Man Show? Couple of Michelob Ultras in him, and now he's getting real loose.

[Allison Rosen]

You could really do worse than sitting next to a corpse on a plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Winnie Houston's corpse. First off, that's a conversation piece, because when you did land in wherever you landed in New, guess who sat next to me on the plane?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. Someone who sells insurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess again.

[Allison Rosen]

Just like a random mom.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I know a kid flying alone. A fat guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even close. Not even close. Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

One of the double mint twins.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I'm gonna narrow it down.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Multi Grammy Award winner.

[Allison Rosen]

Adele. No, there's no way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. See? Great game.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I sat next to Whitney Houston. What?

[Allison Rosen]

But she's died. She died.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess who ate Whitney Houston's honey roasted peanuts. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

They still got the Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Guess who's put them up on ebay. You. Yeah. Tyler Perry's jet.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And originally it was reported that the funeral was going to be Friday at the Prudential center, which is a concert and sports arena with 19,000 seats, but evidently that's not true. A family spokesperson said on Tuesday, that the services will be held Saturday at Newark's New Hope Baptist Church, and only invited guests can go. So don't crash that funeral, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't wait to see Good Deeds. Tyler Perry is Wesley Deeds.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, do you think, do you think this is promotion for the movie? His good deed of loaning his jet?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure it is. Mm. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Chaka Khan was on Piers Morgan last night and she slammed Clive Davis for hosting the party.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Still having the party the Whitney Houston was supposed to perform at. And we have some tape of her.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Is her Chaka Khan song, her singing Chaka Khan or is that someone else singing Chaka Khan?

[Allison Rosen]

Pretty sure it's her.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and by the way, she said that Whitney Houston would not have been like a show goes on kind of person. Whitney, you'll see.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when they do that. He would have wanted us to play this ball game.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The Clive Davis party. It was a surreal event where Whitney's body was still in the hotel and there was this sort of party where.

[Mike August]

Apparently half the room were in tears.

[Adam Carolla]

The other half were kind of partying. What did you feel about that? I thought that was complete insanity. And knowing Whitney, I don't believe that she would have said the show must go on. She was the kind of woman that would say, stop everything. Uh, I'm not going to be there. You know, I don't know what could motivate a person to have a party in a building where the person whose life he had influenced so enormously and whose life had been affected by her, they were like, I don't understand how that part happened. I had Clive Davis by pure chance in here on Friday night with Jennifer Hudson. And he obviously worshipped Whitney and I.

[Mike August]

Think he must have gone through agony.

[Adam Carolla]

When he heard this news, knowing it was two or three hours till this event. And I think he took the decision.

[Mike August]

To turn it into a tribute to her.

[Adam Carolla]

And I understand that. I mean, he obviously was wrestling with the right thing to do that would have been right if it really was a true tribute. And you know, and a true tribute, you know, might have been a truer, A more honest tribute in my, you know, in my opinion would have been maybe call everybody together, let's say a prayer and let's eat dinner and go home. What is you. I couldn't get dressed. I was supposed to go to the party. I just got off a plane from Miami at about 5:30 on a parish plane or another one. As soon as I hit the tarmac, I Found out all black people travel in one plane. I couldn't.

[Mike August]

It's like a taxi service.

[Adam Carolla]

Makeup. I couldn't get dressed. I couldn't do anything. I was paralyzed. I couldn't do anything. Okay, let me say this. First off, Clive Davis may have the Grecian Formula syndrome where he's dyed his hair too many times and his brain is not functioning correctly. Electrical impulses in his brain are bad, right? Number two, I'm trying to think of other people because Chaka Khan has a song about herself and Bo Diddley has a song about himself. I'd be like. What's your last name again?

[Allison Rosen]

Brian Diddley.

[Adam Carolla]

Bald? Yeah.

[Mike August]

Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd just be writing a song called. My Got a song. It's called Brian Bishop. I said, who's that by? Huh? Oh, Brian Bishop. Oh, like you're pitching it to the studio guys. You get your session musicians in there. All right? This next one's called Me. You mean you say me? No, no, no, no. I just keep saying my name.

[Mike August]

You're in concert. Sing along if you know the words.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

And then it's misspelled on the liner notes.

[Mike August]

Check your ticket stubs.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you, what that party really didn't need is Tony Bennett's old ass up there and his long ambling diatribe about the drug industry and legalizing drugs. Even though instead of getting these drugs from street peddlers and thugs, except for their own.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like Bill Simmons.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he does have that sound. They're all pharmaceutical drugs. And he then mentions Michael Jackson, whose doctor got him the drugs and killed him, Right? He said, these guys are, like, getting drugs from the street thugs instead of the dogs. Like Bo Diddley.

[Allison Rosen]

Bo Bennett diddly.

[Adam Carolla]

Bo Bennett diddly. Shut the fuck up. Insane, would you?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Well. So do you think the party should have gone on or not?

[Adam Carolla]

No. And I. It's too weird. Here's why the party shouldn't have gone on. There's no way anyone could enjoy it. And if you could enjoy it, you shouldn't be there. Yeah, like, you couldn't be out. Like, for me, I like to do the robot. You know, that's my thing. But there's. There's no way, you know, you just. Someone pops on, like, he know. Stopping us now we on the move. And I'm out there like, whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody, hands up in the air. I'm making it rain. Woo. You know, like, I.

[Mike August]

What's wrong with everybody?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, if you are fucking dancing and Having a good time, then you're a dick.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's it gonna be?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I think it's interesting, though, the distinction between the person who's the show must go on versus the person who would be like, no, no, everything must stop. Well, this show, I know either of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I OD and drown in a bathtub. I do not want the podcast to continue the following day. Number one.

[Allison Rosen]

Number one, are you sure about that? Isn't that what you would have wanted?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's not. I definitely don't want that, number one. Number number two, there's a difference between the super bowl being played and, like, the coach dying, you know, and them going, he loved this game. He had so much respect for this game. This is a party. This is not an event.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's not the Grammys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the event is the Grammys. The event is the Super Bowl. The event is. She loved the Grammys. He loved the Super Bowl. They loved the World Series. This. This is an event, but it's not a party. It's.

[Mike August]

There's no doubt. This went on solely because there were sponsors involved. Right. Like, if there was. If it was paid for, that's the only reason they would. I was 100 thinking that, like, if this wasn't. If this wasn't sponsored, he would have canceled it immediately, but diddly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Sponsors online.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone give me the words to Bo Diddley. All right, I want to find out if Chaka Khan.

[Mike August]

What's that song called, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know if Bo Diddley. No, it's the Chaka Khan song. I think it's called the. All right. I want to know if Chaka Khan's name is mentioned more in the Chaka Khan song than Bo Diddley's name is mentioned in the Bo Diddley song. Now, you're going to have to adjust for inflation, because Bo Diddley, that song is probably 3 minutes and 9 seconds, and Chaka Khan could be 4:30.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna need a ratio of name per minute, right? Npm.

[Mike August]

Also, how many people in your life have you ever heard of named Clive? I've heard of two in my life, and they're both super famous.

[Allison Rosen]

I only know.

[Mike August]

I don't know any kids named Clive. I know Clive Barker and Clive.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wait, Clive Owen.

[Adam Carolla]

And Clive Owen.

[Allison Rosen]

A third guy.

[Herbert]

Great.

[Mike August]

Clive's all super famous. Pete, if you recipe for success. Name your kid Clive.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Mike August]

I don't know an ordinary Clive.

[Allison Rosen]

Umber it.

[Mike August]

I don't know Clive the bus driver. I don't Know Clive the garbage man?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know Clive. That guy that my friend was dating and no one liked him.

[Mike August]

No one does. I'm sure someone does. But you know my point.

[Allison Rosen]

Any Clara?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Name your kid Clive. Yeah. Who? Clive Carolla. Jesus. And I fucking miss out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you miss. Not too late.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right.

[Allison Rosen]

How married to Sonny is Sonny?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, I just call him boy anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, boy, give me another beer so it doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Then he calls you fodder so it works.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Someone get. Give me a Bo Diddley count. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Donald Trump gave an interview to all.

[Adam Carolla]

On seven on Bo Diddley. That's not that much.

[Allison Rosen]

That's kind of a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Over and under for me. Would have been in the low 20s. Seven on the bo Diddley song. How old? How long is Bo Diddley? I love that pitch. All right, boys. This one's called Bo Diddley.

[Allison Rosen]

You mean those are just like lyrics you're putting in till we get lyrics, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, name of the song. Oh, Bo Diddley. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're Bo Diddley.

[Adam Carolla]

Diamond ring. If that diamond ring don't shoot, he gonna take it to a private eye. 202 minutes and 7 seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

7 degrees for 2 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so the second. So it's 127 seconds. And 7. 7 and 127 seconds. Right, so let's say it's about 3. So it's like every 30. 30 seconds. 21.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, sorry. No, wait a minute. Oh, 100. Oh, I'm sorry. 100 and so 100. No, so it's like. Yeah, sorry. 7 and 15. Yeah, 10. So it's like 40 seconds. 9 point something. Wait, I got to work this out. Okay, 100 and. What did he say? 27 seconds?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I'm sorry, two times is 14. Yeah, so it's like, I don't know, 18 seconds or something like that. We'll work it out. We'll work it out.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a lot of diddlies per minute.

[Mike August]

The diddly counts off the charts.

[Allison Rosen]

I know the diddlyometer.

[Adam Carolla]

Seven times 18 seconds is 133. Yeah, 133 and 127. 133. All right, so it's like 17.5 seconds. Tell Danny to move on. I say, someone get out of calculate. Where's Maxa Laksa? He's as close to Asian as we got back.

[Allison Rosen]

His last name is Lapsa Apsa. That's what you said yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Lapsa apsa.

[Allison Rosen]

He left.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's that half breed?

[Allison Rosen]

He went somewhere. Can you believe the audacity of that?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so seven. So it's like 18 point. Sorry, 17.5 seconds or something like that. Somebody worked that out. Chaka Khan has 20. Whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

26 mentions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But her song is like four minutes and something. Okay, yeah, that's still more. It's still more.

[Allison Rosen]

Quite a bit more.

[Adam Carolla]

Quite a bit more. So it goes from like 17.4 seconds to, I don't know, 26 times.

[Allison Rosen]

The best parts of the show are where we do math out loud.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To like, 15 seconds or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, do you think you can beat them both? Bald, diddly.

[Adam Carolla]

Compelling and rich. No. Next story, next story.

[Allison Rosen]

Pete Holmes was talking about how Aziz Ansari always tosses his own name into his act.

[Adam Carolla]

9.3 seconds for Chaka Khan. So she mentions her name every 9.3 seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a lot of sec. That's a lot of mentions. See? So when you're on stage, Adam, you could start referring to yourself as Adam Carolla. It would be similar.

[Adam Carolla]

I should do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Donald Trump gave an interview to Digital Spy where he claims that many cast members from the Real Housewives have asked to appear on Celebrity Apprentice. When asked who he was referring to, he said, quote, almost all of them. Nene Leakes was on last season, and Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey is on this season.

[Adam Carolla]

18.1 for Bo. Did lay in 9.3 seconds for Chaka Khan.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that's twice. That's twice as many Shakas as Bose. So anyway, he went on to say virtually everyone, and now he's not even just talking about Real Housewives. Virtually everyone wants to be on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Who said this?

[Allison Rosen]

Donald Trump.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, of course.

[Allison Rosen]

Your guy. We turned down many, many people for everyone we take. Give me a list of a thousand celebrities, and you'd be surprised how many of them we've turned down. Now, if you weren't on the show. Okay, that was my question.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't be surprised. They couldn't. You wouldn't be. Because if you would be surprised and they'd be on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're like Leonardo DiCaprio, then you'd be surprised. Right? Then they'd be on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's talking about the people that the show has turned down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, but you'd be surprised, right? Wouldn't be.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you wouldn't. No. You'd be like, well, yeah, of course. Because I haven't heard of that person who asked?

[Adam Carolla]

Because here's how it works. If you have a cast of, I don't know, 16 people. I don't know what there were 16 people, let's say. And although two Corollas, maybe 17 people, and then Bo Diddley. So you have 16 people. If there's four or five of those people, you could do without, or America could do without, or NBC could do without, or you could go, yeah, I mean, you know, I think when you see Penn Jillettes and Clay Aiken and George Kay on There you Go, okay, maybe me. You go, okay. And there's a couple names you see on There we go.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Do we really need to know what Cheryl Tiegs is up to? Like, you see a few of those, then that means that's the Mason Dixon line. When you get to that point where you could pick out three or four.

[Allison Rosen]

And go, well, and what is he suggesting that people ask to be on? And then he assesses their business acumen and then nixes them.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's a lot of. There are a lot of people who try to get themselves onto, like, Dancing with the Stars and stuff like that. And I think shows like that are sort of like hot chicks, where if you go up to them and ask them out, it's a strike. They'd like to. They'd like to. They'd like to spot you from across the room. And a lot of people have told me, and I have had people who I've. Who've said to me, like, people I've known, like, who I know go, I tried to get on Dancing with Stars. They wouldn't do it. And I'd been like, wow, I'm surprised it wouldn't let you onto show. Onto that show. I think you going to them is strike one. I really do.

[Allison Rosen]

You wage an extensive campaign with your doing the robot.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're Tom Hanks, you can get on, but if you're somewhere in between and you go, that really went on. They'll go, not so fast.

[Allison Rosen]

So how did it happen for you? They just reached out to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they called me and I did the same thing I do with everything, which is. I was just like, yeah, First I complained. What about my beloved family of TVs that I'm leaving behind? No, I did the. And then Mark Burnett called me and he's such. I have such respect for that guy's work. I just think he's such a good survivor.

[Allison Rosen]

Which one was it that got you?

[Adam Carolla]

I just realized everything that guy does is so well scored. And it looks. It's shot so well. It's just done so well. And believe when you've been around this town for a little while and you've worked with people who don't do things very well, you really appreciate those who do it well. And he called me and we spoke and I just thought, yeah, I like this guy. And then I have the same thought I have with everything. A, whatever, the five weeks or whatever. It seems like you'll blink and it'll be over. Like you'll. You'll blink. I think. I think it was over by Thanksgiving or something. Like you'll blink and it'll be over. And you'll have that to be able to say, hey, I did that. It's never for the exposure. There's never any plan. It's just like, oh, fuck it, why not? I can say I did it.

[Mike August]

Then you got him on go to beating and you showed him your Survivor dance.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Some feel the loincloth was going a little far, but others think that it was what nailed the gig for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then. Yeah, sorry, I'll say.

[Mike August]

You notice you also used to have that rap of, you'd be surprised how many people we turned down back in the day. Not even that long ago, like 10, 12 years ago, was Playboy. Hugh Hefner was always like, oh, we turn down stars all the time. Come to us in Wannabe. I'm like, I always felt like. I'm sure you've turned down a handful of people would recognize but there are an awful lot of, you know, B and C, you know, the Ricki Lakes of the world. And that's their problem.

[Allison Rosen]

They're B and C cups.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip itcont.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Ah, awesome. Auto shepherd, everyone. They got the Monroe shocks.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are my favorite shocks.

[Adam Carolla]

They've been around for a while. The Monroe shocks. Potholes in la. That's what I say about la. Potholes and a holes. We could fill all the potholes with a holes and get rid of the pothole problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Problem solved.

[Adam Carolla]

I only have to lose a few people. We know, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

That's an attack.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Brian. You need new shocks. You need new struts. You guys know there's between a strut and a shock? Yes, thank you. Right now you can get the Monroe shocks and the struts for 15% [e-mail] free shipping on orders over 50 bucks. And you go to autoshepherd.com. you click on the Monroe promotion and it's right there on the homepage. And if you can't spell auto shepherd, just click the auto shepherd [e-mail] so don't worry about spelling because I can't spell either. Go to AdamKroll.com, hit the auto shepherd banner, and there you go. Do it yourself. Do yourself a favor. Take care. Don't get stabbed at the local auto parts.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll get stabbed with a strut. Let me ask you something. You say you know about shocks and struts.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What would be a better instrument for stabbing someone? A shock or strut?

[Allison Rosen]

Strut.

[Adam Carolla]

So lucky. So lucky.

[Mike August]

Good job answering quick, by the way. No doubt in your, in your voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Lucky with that coin, that mental coin toss. I could almost hear that nickel rolling around in your brain. That's right. It's normally a quarter, but you're a Jew.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the question, though. After I flipped the brain nickel, did I just read it when it was laying there somewhere around my cerebellum or did I pick it up and then flip it onto my hand like some people do? There's two different ways to read a coin.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I was. I'll tell you. Autoshepperd.com that is autoshepherd.com online. I told you, me and Vince DiGiacomo were captains for a football game. And Vin, picture a guy. Picture what Vince the Giacomo would look like. Close your eyes. Huge calves. Super Italian guy, about 61255. Always.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just picturing Geppetto.

[Adam Carolla]

One of those guys always looks like he has dip in his mouth, but he doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And we walked out the middle of the field and it was just me and Vince the Giacomo. And ref said, call it in the air and called it in the air and the ref caught it in his hand and Vince called heads and he opened his hand and it was tails. And Vince said he was very serious. He said to the guy, I thought you were gonna go like that. Like, he factored it into his decision making process. Like, hey, when you threw that coin in the air and called it, I knew it was gonna land that way on your hand, but then I assumed you were gonna do that. And it made me laugh hysterically. I never stopped thinking about it. I've known him for like 30 years and I've never asked him. I don't even know if he remembers right. He wasn't laughing. And he's not the kind of Guy with a sense of humor, but he also kind of liked to fuck around. He's not dumb. I don't know if he's fucking around with the ref or not, but he did.

[Allison Rosen]

He's got to get him in another coin toss.

[Adam Carolla]

Got to get the Giacomo on there.

[Mike August]

Being able to say those things with a straight face, it's a skill that's a life skill you should learn.

[Adam Carolla]

And immediately. And in full uniform, taped up, standing in the middle, standing at the 50 yard line staring at the other team. Yeah, great calves on that dude. Greatest Cavs ever. Him and Will Sasso ought to have some sort of calf off. Yeah. All right, we'll take ourselves a break. Key and Peel, both here. The show on Comedy Central, 10:30 Tuesday night. Quick break. Right back with these guys. Bo Dee bodily what I eat for breakfast. Keegan Michael Key is here. And Jordan Peele, both here. Sup? Key and Peele, which is Tuesday night, 10:30, Comedy Central. One of the best shows on Comedy Central. Series premiered to 2.1 million total viewers. Very nice. In this day and age on Comedy Central, that's for God damn sure. You know, this guy's from MADtv. MAD TVs, I think lasted for, I don't know, 13, 14 seasons.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Every single year we'd have someone on from Mad TV like Nicole Sullivan or Deborah Wilson. Crazy. She'd be Deborah Scott. And they'd be go. They'd go last season, last season, last season. And then it go on.

[Giovanni]

It's just, I never stopped.

[Adam Carolla]

Never stop.

[Giovanni]

The closest it ever got was, remember season nine? We went to the Chicago Improv Festival and. And they made this declaration that there were going to be three more seasons. That's the closest they've ever gotten to any kind of regularity ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So it's weird. I mean, SCTV probably lasted five seasons. Five.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or something like that. And Kids in the hall probably lasted three and a half or something like that. MADtv ended up beating them all and had like, Artie Lang was in that cast. And I mean, there must have been 55 different people in there.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, there was a ton. Well, yeah, I remember when we started, it was like a cast of thousands just when we were there. I mean, there were 14 people in the cast the year that both. Both of us started.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I mean, how do you even. It's like you have to push and shove to even get a point where.

[Brian Bishop]

It'S like they were just. They were constantly looking for something to fill that spot. And then, like the last moment they would fall through or they realized, oh yeah, no we can't, you know, give Louie Anderson another shot, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Where did you guys. So you guys met up on MADtv?

[Giovanni]

Well, we met before that. We met in Chicago.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Jordan used to work at a improv comedy theater in Amsterdam in the Netherlands called Boom Chicago.

[Brian Bishop]

So I was there with, you know, some talented people like Baron Holtz, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis, you know, kind of a all, you know, having a good time and losing our minds out there.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you worked in Chicago there.

[Brian Bishop]

So that was in Amsterdam and it was called Boom Chicago.

[Giovanni]

Boom Chicago was the name of the theater in Amsterdam. I don't know why.

[Adam Carolla]

In Amsterdam. Amsterdam.

[Brian Bishop]

In Amsterdam.

[Giovanni]

In actual Amsterdam. Oh, there it is, There it is. Say that word for me.

[Adam Carolla]

The leids.

[Brian Bishop]

Applein Theater.

[Giovanni]

Leids of plein. That sounded way more German.

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, plein is square. So it's the square of leidse.

[Giovanni]

The Leides square.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know what leidse means.

[Allison Rosen]

Stoned probably.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Stone theater. That makes sense.

[Giovanni]

Weed square.

[Brian Bishop]

It's very successful because, you know, they speak English and all the tourists in Amsterdam speak English and everyone's high and they wants to laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

So there was a comedy swap.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they had a comedy swap. So the Second City, there's two theaters in Chicago. At the Second City, the main stage cast went to Amsterdam and Jordan's cast came from Boom Chicago to Chicago. I was on the ETC stage in Chicago. So I was there when he came to visit. We met, I watched him perform their first night. And we had a mutual friend who's actually on our writing staff now and she said, you guys have to meet. You're both biracial, you're both comedy nerds. You guys are going to get along. And we did. Famously. And that was it. What was like I fucking got home at like 5 o' clock in the morning that woke my wife up and said, I met this fucking fantastic guy today. I'm leaving. No.

[Adam Carolla]

So both, both have black mom, white dad.

[Giovanni]

Other way around. Other way around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, you could have guessed. Black. Sorry. So black.

[Giovanni]

Black dads, White moms.

[Adam Carolla]

White moms.

[Giovanni]

As George like to say, the way it's usually done, you know, the way that it usually.

[Brian Bishop]

Jerry Springer special.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there is a certain biracial math. Just like there's a transsexual math. Like it's, it's you, it's, it's, it's mostly always a dude turning into a Chick. Yeah. Rarely a chick turning into a guy. Yeah. And it's always. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Seems like a harder.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's sad. It's. Your dads aren't around to see your success. Cuz they'd be proud of you.

[Brian Bishop]

They would.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they around?

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Perfect. As soon as it said I wanted my dad to be alive so bad, I wanted my dad. I wanted that joke to soar. He's on Tyler Perry's play dead since 94.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. How. But do. Do in the family or.

[Giovanni]

Oh, always with us. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. My parents. My parents were married. My parents got divorced. My dad remarried, but he was. Yeah, he was always in my.

[Adam Carolla]

That's sad. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

There'S no. How do you get any comedy out of that?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

This guy's way funnier than me. Dad took off when he was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now we're talking. Now we're in. Now we're talking.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm always waiting for the other foot to drop in, like, you know, a thousand peels to come out of the woodwork and come knock in hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Biological dad not come calling.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you know what? No, didn't. Also passed away.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you.

[Brian Bishop]

I did find that out around 99.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no. What do I win now? A stake set? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Both.

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

There we go.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Both dads.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd you find that out?

[Brian Bishop]

My mother did. And it was through some, you know, some kind of online thing where you can now look up death certificates or something. Still real mysterious.

[Allison Rosen]

Trackyourdead.com.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, maybe you guys can do it for me.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

It's one of those things. And then, you know, it's just kind of hard to know. How far do you pursue that? How far do you look into that side of the family and start digging stuff up?

[Adam Carolla]

And then, you know, let me. Let me. Let me tell you something. Here's my theory. No answers are good answers. Yeah, my. My stepdad and my mom, like, sleep in separate rooms. And every once in a while somebody says, yeah. They say, why does John sleep in the den and your mom sleep in the bedroom? How come? What's. What's that about? And I go, you think I'm gonna ask?

[Giovanni]

I'm not gonna ask. Right, right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

What possible satisfying answer could I. Because they love Adam so much, I decided what would be the answer?

[Giovanni]

What good could come of it?

[Adam Carolla]

There's zero.

[Giovanni]

Zero good could come.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, my asshole friend Ray, you know, people say, like, where'd your stepdad and your mom, meet. I don't know. I don't know why I don't want to know. Well, you know what? My asshole buddy Ray finally found out. You know where they met?

[Giovanni]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Primal scream therapy. Think I want to know that? You think that helps me when I beat off? That's.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That's not. No, I. I think. I think it anti. Beats you off.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I don't want to know.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's me. Like my dad, my stepmother. I don't know. You know. Were your dad and your stepmother having an affair before your parents? I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do I know?

[Giovanni]

They got. Look, they.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Giovanni]

He says he was happy. I don't know how happy he was. I used to. Used to pick me and my brother up from my mom's house. We get in the car and like, dad, are you happy in this marriage? Yeah. And he's waving like this in the car. What are you doing? I had Wendy's. Gotta get the smell. Put your window down. Get the smell out of the car. So you're a slave. You can't even have Wendy's. I thought you were happy. You could. You could have stayed with my mom. You could have had all the Wendy's you wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

You know what I mean? It's like. That's weird how people do that. And so I don't want to know how they met. I just want to get used to whatever the hell this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

I don't care about. Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like when parents and sexuality intersect. The less you know, the better.

[Adam Carolla]

My. My. My grandmother, shortly after my grandfather died.

[Giovanni]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

She said, everywhere I look, I'm reminded of the guy. I can't. I can't get over it. I open the closet, I see his coat hanging there. I go into the. I go into the den, I see his. I see a cigar box sitting there. I open. I open the cabinet, I see our. Those. The water soluble lubrication. I swear to God, I swear I.

[Allison Rosen]

Thought we were being set up for a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

True, true, true, true. She sees the lube.

[Allison Rosen]

At least they use water soluble.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't believe she said it.

[Giovanni]

Takes a little edge off of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh, geez.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ, Grandma. Now I want to die. I'm getting on Tyler Perry's plane. All right. Always room. Always room on Tyler. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

See, my mom has talked like. I've heard talk of estrogen supplements because of vaginal dryness, which I Just assumed was, just was uncomfortable. And then one day I was like, wait just one minute. Why does your vagina need to be so moist?

[Giovanni]

Right. For what reason ever? Yeah. And there's only one conclusion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's not like you're climbing out of the car and I heard a squeak.

[Brian Bishop]

You are cut off.

[Allison Rosen]

I was thinking maybe some sensitivity.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

During wiping or something. I don't know. I wish I had never started talking.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I did? You know what my mom does? I want everyone to do this. I've told everyone, do this. You take your door on your bedroom.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as you have your first kid. And before put a fucking deadbolt on it right there. Just lock that door. You don't want any of that. Avoid that hole. I walked in, I saw the back of my dad's scrotum sack just slashing up against my mom's pussy. Like, ah, nah, nah. You don't want any of that.

[Giovanni]

And who do we know? We have a friend who at work who's, who's twice walked in on his parents. Twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And a pretty well, like a well adjusted guy considering. I mean it's really tough. But my best friend, he's got five kids. It's right. He needs like seven locks on his door.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And the problem is they've got like a hallway. So there's doors all over the joint to get into their bedroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I'm like, you pick the worst room to be your guy's bedroom and there's not a kid like they're all like 10 and 6 and they're, they're scurrying around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

It's, it's rough. They all, all five of them have seen something.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody, I can't remember who it was from Florida, some comic or whatever. Big brother walked him out to his parents getting it on. Went around to the window and like banged on the window and like held him up on purpose. Oh yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

That's like the, that's the worst. But now big brother torture.

[Giovanni]

But of course now that guy's famous because he's scarred.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

He's probably a top shelf comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean you had the biracial thing with the dad's early departure. Yeah, we've got that going forward comedy.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a little bit of pain in there.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna say that's 60 of our comedy. Yeah, 70, 73 of our comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean my parents are white and alive and I'm still pretty funny.

[Giovanni]

You're hysterical.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not bad for guys. White Parents are still alive.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Imagine if they were biracial. If they'd had the decency. My mom had, had the great dignity to marry a black guy and then he'd die. That'd be awesome.

[Giovanni]

I mean, what are you supposed to do? Well, think about it. I mean, what. What in the world. I mean, Richard Pryor would have been selling insurance if his mother wasn't a whore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

If he did not grow up in a brothel, he'd still be alive today selling insurance in Peoria, Illinois.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Who needs it, right?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, also, Keegan and I.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be really weird, though, when him going, hey, bitch, you need comp and fucking collision, motherfucker. All right.

[Giovanni]

What the fuck you trying to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Some term and some life.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, also, you know, we've always been walking this line, you know, like, you can see in some of our sketches, you know, walking this line of, like. All right, well, you know, sometimes you need to, like. You need to black it up a little bit, you know, you need to represent and then. And then sometimes, you know, look what we just did.

[Giovanni]

We just made this whole interview a little bit cooler.

[Adam Carolla]

Right there.

[Giovanni]

Right there, right now. We just did it.

[Adam Carolla]

You got some cred. Well, we had David Alan Greer in here.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the master.

[Brian Bishop]

He's the master at that.

[Adam Carolla]

He's three black people.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, three.

[Adam Carolla]

These three.

[Giovanni]

But he's so well trained. Could also be whiter than us if he wants to.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

He's so. He's just so good. People don't know that you. That Dag went to Yale. I think everybody needs to know that.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, he. Now he's so good that he actually gets penalized for it. Yes, he does.

[Giovanni]

He does.

[Adam Carolla]

In our business, you're much better off being good at one thing. That's true.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Then, like, better you master one instrument than be able to play every instrument. And he can play every instrument. And that doesn't get you rich or late. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Want that? Sure thing. People want to know what demographic they're.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to sell you to for much, much better you much. You're much better off just being a fat comic.

[Giovanni]

Exactly. Well, because the second.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't mean you, Ralphie man. I meant the other. Remember.

[Giovanni]

Everybody loves Zappa when he just played guitar. And then he started doing all that symphonic. And no one listened to any of.

[Allison Rosen]

That because people want authenticity, and it seems more authentic if you're just one thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'M just saying, please, if I got to talk to another black guy about Frank Zappa, my hammer. Alrighty, we get it. You love you. People love him. I get it. He's a hero. All right? We disagree. That doesn't mean we're enemies. Enough of the zap and toss and Warren T. Von, if you're gonna move on there.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that was my next heading. You off.

[Brian Bishop]

You're clearly speaking to the white half of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the SAP is brother.

[Mike August]

This is the JB souvenir episode all over again.

[Adam Carolla]

All we talked about was Zap and Z. Where were we? Yeah. So, yes, Dag. Wildly, wildly talented.

[Brian Bishop]

So, yeah, people want to know. People want to feel like they know you as a person. You know, I just did that, right. Did this movie with Aniston and she's.

[Adam Carolla]

So great at Jennifer Aniston.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, we were both in this movie with Jennifer and she's just herself.

[Brian Bishop]

She is who she portrays.

[Giovanni]

That lady you see in the movie is. That's. That's her. There's no. There's no pretense whatsoever about it.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, yes, maybe she goes home and screams and says and punches her pillow, but she's, you know, magnetic personality, Sweet, warm, loving. She'll bring you in. It was cool.

[Adam Carolla]

What movie was that?

[Giovanni]

Wanderlust and Horrible Bosses.

[Adam Carolla]

And when is that coming out?

[Giovanni]

24Th.

[Brian Bishop]

24Th. 24th of this month.

[Mike August]

Paul Rudd movie.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's got.

[Mike August]

Yeah, it's commercials, Adam.

[Giovanni]

You know, in the commercials, and you see the. The black dude with the beard smoking that weird bong. It's him.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm in a commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

David Wayne. Ken Marino wrote it. You know, Apatow picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Producer. Can't go wrong with that. Just. Yeah, I just ran in. I don't. I don't know, Jennifer Aniston, but I just ran indoor somewhere. And yes, it's like as nice, as unassuming, as friendly. But there's also thing too, where if you're really good looking and you're really rich, really, all you have to do is convince people you're not a douche. I mean, I don't understand the people that do. Like, I don't understand the divas and the Russell Crowe throwing the phones at people and all that kind of shit. Like, my whole thing is, I want. I would if I were super rich and super well known. Meaning every interaction you have with somebody, they know who you are. There's no such thing. We have a batting average, which is. Maybe they watch Comedy Central. Maybe they Don't.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So they don't know you from the next half breed to try to get in the calf, and they're feeding away. But. But if they recognize you, you know that that's. They let half you in the calf.

[Brian Bishop]

It doesn't work like that.

[Giovanni]

The two of us are standing next to each other, we never get the calf.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But if she. If you know that every single human being you run into, every interaction, every, Every waitress, every person that takes a ticket and you're super rich, you're almost obligated just to be super cool because they're just gonna walk away. That's what. By the way, Jay Leno is the same way. He knows everyone knows who he is, and so he just, oh, hey, how you doing? Hey, great. You know, I don't know what he's thinking, but he's like, he knows everyone knows who is. There are celebrities who. Everyone knows who they are and they don't give a fuck.

[Giovanni]

That's amazing. Like, Clooney's. The same Clooneys. Like Clooney's like Lino. Like Leno. He'll say, yeah, right. Everything is. He talks to the janitor at the facility where he's shooting the film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

He talks to everybody because.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're paranoid. I see how it is, man.

[Adam Carolla]

You change.

[Brian Bishop]

You changed.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know. I didn't know you before, but I'm sure you changed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right.

[Giovanni]

It's. I don't. How do you have the balls? I don't get.

[Adam Carolla]

I have the balls.

[Giovanni]

I'm just gonna be an.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, and nothing, nothing is scarier than being a dude who got famous and then turned into a dick.

[Giovanni]

And then turned into a dick.

[Brian Bishop]

That just petrifies me.

[Allison Rosen]

So, yeah, I run somewhere, start being dicks now.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not saying you're not famous, but.

[Giovanni]

We could, we could. I mean, we could. But what I mean, other thing is, I feel like it takes so much energy to be. I think it takes energy to be a dick.

[Adam Carolla]

It takes. Some people said that it takes none.

[Giovanni]

But I think it takes a.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't listen to Piven.

[Brian Bishop]

You can't be.

[Adam Carolla]

He's trying to talk to you. He's trying to turn you. I, I, Well, I'll tell you this. Like Leno. Every time I go to leno's shop, there's 18 old guys wandering around there from the Stanley Steamer Club. I know he doesn't want their old asses fucking up his shop, but they're always There, like, he can't turn them away. And when we did it, we did a show at the Borgata in Atlantic City, and he offered me a ride home on his jet. Was actually Tyler Perry lent it to him. And then we took it home and. And afternoon when we were leaving. When we were leaving the place, just walking through the halls, trying to get to the airport, you know, out the back of. Of the Borgata, he had to fucking say hi to everyone who had a mop in their hand. And I was just doing the thing where it's like, look, I don't know you, guy with the mop, but you don't know me, and I'm not gonna fucking throw knee into your groin, but I'm just gonna walk with purpose and head down, get the fuck out of here. And Jay had to stop with, like, every single human being who worked back there, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

You are. Me and Keegan is Jay. That's our life. He's like my buffer. I send him out because he is so gregarious. He'll talk to everybody, and I can sort of sneak by, right?

[Giovanni]

You know how, like, a ninja has a smoke bomb and they disappear? I am his smoke bomb.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

So if he just wants to get in, he's like, I really just want to get in there and get my fucking burger. He'll just try and it's me, and I'll turn around talking to six guys from, I don't know, the fucking Bay Area, you know, And I turn around.

[Brian Bishop]

All day long, this guy, he's.

[Giovanni]

He's halfway through his meal, right? I'm still out there going, so this is your car.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, great. Good for you. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I can't help it. I don't know why. I don't know why I care so much.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a Drew, and you should. Is Drew Penske like that Drew does. So I mean, like, even the. Even when we'd walk to the airport and the fat cunt would come up and go, what makes you. I'm Christian, and I don't feel like you should be giving out advice to. He'd go, no, but you don't understand. There's people.

[Giovanni]

I'd go, don't engage her.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, don't engage. Keep moving. Keep moving, chick. And no, no, he'd talk them through it, and they'd be walking and talking. I'd be just like, fuck off. Buzz off. Get the fuck out of here. And he'd be talking to him backstage right before we'd, like, walk out on stage, somebody Be giving him an earful about some shit, that negative shit. He'd be engaging with them, trying to talk him down and explain his side of what was. Yeah, that drove me nuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Did it work? Did they walk away from it with an understanding?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, because I. Once I start. Once they start.

[Mike August]

I was in the bar once they.

[Adam Carolla]

Started with the negativity I just give them, hey, beat it. There's nothing like an old fashioned. Beat it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Get out of here, dummy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, once I realized why they were so negative and coming in. But he would talk their ear off and that's. You guys ought to hang out.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I would never get anywhere. You never eat.

[Giovanni]

We never get a meal.

[Adam Carolla]

Never get a meal.

[Giovanni]

Never get a meal. Like, I mean, I mean, we barely got to eat the other day when we were at the NAACP Image Awards luncheon finally. So we hosted it. We finally sat down to eat. But then, you know, other people are engaging you. And I just. And Jordan's like, man, you better not, you're not gonna get to eat. And then we get it back. Alfie Woodard and James L. Pickens and those guys. That was sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they think of the guys that are, you know, half and half like you guys, guys. I mean, you know, it's interesting question.

[Giovanni]

Now they know. They know. They didn't know before. They just thought we were, you know, just. Oh, just some light skinned brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

We came out as biracial this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically.

[Brian Bishop]

We've been, we've been hiding it so we could get cast in things.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

As like drug dealers and stuff.

[Giovanni]

Because they never, if they find out you're biracial, they just go, oh, I can already tell you're not black enough. Yeah, next. Who's this? Oh, this guy's name is Dontrell.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Probably get the role.

[Brian Bishop]

But it really does seem to depend though, because on the other side of it you will find that a lot of black people are just, they just love that we're doing something and they love that we're doing something good and they're ready to claim us, you know, just like, you know, just like Obama. If Obama wasn't president, he could be walking down, you know, you could be in a different situation. You can see people talking about, see this motherfucking suit wearing ass motherfucker.

[Giovanni]

But we remember, we talked the other day though. Remember we talked about what? Obama would not have been elected if Michelle was white.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no.

[Giovanni]

If he had married a white woman, wouldn't have happened. No matter how fucking poor you were. I mean, everybody, you know, everybody voted for him because they were like, hey, I don't give a shit about how much melanin this guy has in his skin. I need a job. But I swear, if he, I really believe that, that if he was married to a white woman, it would have been a different situation.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel bad for the black chicks and their hair because they have to conform to the white chick hair standards. And it's like, why, and it's so much to get that fucking hair to do with that. I mean, I used to, I have curly hair. I used to try to, I remember when it was popular to like feather it and all that shit. I used to try to brush it and it's a disaster. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why can't a black chick have a natural?

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good question. I, I, I feel like it would be, it's awesome to see.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I gotta tell you, I'm sorry, but this has to come from your black side. No, white cannot, first off, I cannot endorse, I can't spearhead this movie. I do, no, I do have the hair for it, but I would have to come from a black man.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, what doesn't work is wigs. Wigs. It's just not an attraction.

[Giovanni]

I just as soon see, hey, one of our best friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think that's more of a safety thing that they fight so much. It just comes off, you know, it's like, it's like, like a lizard's tail, you know what I mean? It's just one of those natural. I feel the same way with the extensions, like Earl Campbell's old tear away jersey back in the day. You know, the press on nails. There's so much stuff that just comes off, comes off.

[Giovanni]

So you can, you can continue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you have to, you have to escape. You know, you're rolling around in front of the club, someone's got a hold of your head, Next thing you know it's going into a parking meter. Unless it's breakaway hair and the breakaway, you know what I mean? Black chicks got wear a lot of breakaway stuff. They scrap more.

[Giovanni]

They do scrap more, more, and they scrap. Well, yeah, but one of our, you know, like, like one of our friends, she has a really terrific natural. Like she's got like great curly hair, like, and she doesn't wear it that much. I'm like, honey, why don't you wear hair like that more? She's right, she's, I think she looks great.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I like it too. I Miss Cheryl from Good Times.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. Shirley Hemphill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we should. The pick.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'll tell you what it's going to take. Well, first off, the first lady. I mean, if she's bored in the natural.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that was just.

[Mike August]

She's waiting for the second term.

[Giovanni]

That's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think you're right, Grace Jones. Yeah, I think you're right, because you're right, because Ari Emanuel went. Hey, sister, keep it straight.

[Mike August]

First four years, please play close to the vest.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he's gonna have a flat top next.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I see, like, every Christmas opening up. Ari, you got me another hot iron. Okay, sweetie. I'll add it to my pile of hot, hot iron collection now.

[Giovanni]

Yes, vintage hot iron.

[Adam Carolla]

But now, back in the day, Dorothy Hamill. Yeah, she was a. She was an ice skater.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She got a short haircut. And every white chick went, I'm getting that same stupid looking short haircut.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And the Beatles got a page boy, and all the white dudes got the page boy. And Jennifer Aniston, the aforementioned Jennifer, the Rachel. She's got the Rachel. We could definitely have Michelle Obama. If she would grow it out, she'd rock.

[Giovanni]

A natural.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, let me say this. First off, there's a lot of lost productivity with the sisters. If you're spending two hours a day flattening, your hair has to be. You know what I mean? Not only that, you want to talk about burning kilowatts, the hot combs and the blow dryers and all that, it's just. You're just. It's greenhouse, the ozone, all the spray, all the creams, all the flashes.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was in high school, I used to want to stay home if it rained.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Cause your hair would freak.

[Giovanni]

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we have to get. Okay. Queen Latifah. Cause, see, the Queen Latifah's fucking it up for all the sisters. That hair's all flying around. It's flowing, it's long. We gotta get Queen Latifah. We gotta get Michelle Obama.

[Allison Rosen]

Get Beyonce.

[Adam Carolla]

Beyonce.

[Giovanni]

Yep. And like, if Erykah Badu. Now, see, she's the one who's still doing it. She wears those wraps on her head, but when she takes them off, pow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Straight Afro.

[Adam Carolla]

And just rock that look all the time. She is.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You need a little more mainstream.

[Giovanni]

If Oprah did it, then white women would do it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point.

[Giovanni]

Everybody would do it. Now, see, look at the. Look at the first lady right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy, look at that. Oh, man.

[Giovanni]

That's a little unfortunate.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we just have better hair than you guys and I. I'm. Look, I'm being honest.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, wait a second. Your hair looks exactly like me.

[Adam Carolla]

When I say we, I don't mean me. My hair's, you know, unfortunate. But I'm saying, not me, not Alice. I feel your pain. Us. You know what I mean? Maybe there is something to this. We got to do something.

[Giovanni]

It's just not shaped.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. You guys shaped it. You got to do something about this.

[Giovanni]

We're going to. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to talk to Spearhead this thing. Would you. I'm not going to get any traction.

[Mike August]

Adam, Spearhead could be a racist term, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Well, we noticed that. Yeah. People think you don't want to. Yeah. You guys be on the vanguard.

[Giovanni]

Spearchucker on Matt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Spirit Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Holy mackerel. The kind of things you could say in movies in 1970.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm not sure vanguard's gonna work either, because people go, what's wrong with my van? That's not gonna work.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't need.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we have to work this out. But if I rush. If I rush Michelle Obama, I'm gonna get tackled.

[Giovanni]

Yes. Oh, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys could approach her.

[Brian Bishop]

I think we'd still probably get tackled. But it would be an approach. It would be a slow.

[Giovanni]

Well, they might just. Just strongly put us on the ground. They would tackle Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna get tackled.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Even if I'm screaming, say mayor. All right, so we'll get Michelle. Michelle and Oprah.

[Giovanni]

Michelle and Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

How about this? How about we get one white chick like Jennifer Aniston to put. Do the natural. You know, put it on. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

To have an Afro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. In solidarity.

[Allison Rosen]

Nicole Kidman could do it.

[Adam Carolla]

She got crazy hair. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

She's got nut burgers hair. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do that.

[Brian Bishop]

The best thing in the world right now is the image with an Afro pick.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice. Yeah. Be like, dead calm. All right. Should we do a little more news, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosa. Oh, shit. We got these callers. Valentine's Day story callers. I forgot about these people. Oh, they're so. Let's face it. We got better hair, fellas.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, hey, you know, I say we. I don't mean we. Can't argue with these images.

[Giovanni]

I'm Having a hard time. That is empirical evidence staring us right in the face.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what else? Straight hair just looks better on camera because it catches the light.

[Giovanni]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Giovanni]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

There's an image up there where, okay. Oprah's hair is a black hole sucking in the light.

[Adam Carolla]

Something happened to Oprah's nose.

[Giovanni]

And I know what is going on there.

[Brian Bishop]

A little makeup. A little makeup.

[Giovanni]

It's a lighting issue, I think, as well.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's crazy. They do.

[Brian Bishop]

They turn all us black people into as white person as possible. I know cosmetically, it's sad. Isn't that sad? Doesn't that make you sad?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you what makes me sad. What makes me sad is when it's the first African American Miss Universe. Except for she looks like a white chick who's just been sprayed. Brian.

[Giovanni]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything' no, nothing Good. Characteristic. Not an ounce in them.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that like Halle Berry?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like Halle Berry. Like the first African American to win it. But look at. She's right.

[Giovanni]

She's just a white. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Giovanni]

Just brown. Yeah, it's just a white girl spray painted brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. White chicks are trying to get to her shade.

[Giovanni]

Right, Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Essentially, with her feet, Snooki has achieved it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh, dear. Move that picture up. What is she holding?

[Brian Bishop]

So this is the worst picture of Oprah I've ever seen.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I thought she was holding a baby. For a moment, I couldn't see what the hel going on there. Oh, dear.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, rock on, line one.

[Herbert]

Hey, Adam, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. What's happening? What happened on Valentine's Day?

[Herbert]

Okay, basically, me and my wife, we have plans to go to a really nice dinner, nice Italian restaurant owned by my friend, prepaid for our movie tickets. I'm getting out of the shower, got my suit on, in the mirror, doing my tie, waiting for the babysitter to get there. Next thing we know, the babysitter pulls up and there's an unmarked Ford Taurus behind her. So she's driving an old Dodge Neon. She assumes she has a. Maybe a bad tail light or something. She's getting a ticket. No. Lo and behold, it's two detectives here to arrest me. Meanwhile, we're supposed to go out Valentine's Day. You know how it is when you're married and have a kid. You don't really get to go out too often. So we're looking forward to going out. And lo and behold, I get arrested on Valentine's Day in Front of my.

[Adam Carolla]

Family with the sit up. It's like Goodfellas. What happened?

[Herbert]

Yeah, well, I'm Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

Jewish or Asian.

[Brian Bishop]

I see where this is driving.

[Herbert]

I'm driving on a parkway and I'm doing, I'm not gonna lie, I was driving my Chrysler 300 at the time. You know, maybe 65. Light turns red and there's nobody in front of me. This person cuts me off. Now we go to the next light, I pull up next to him, put the window down.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Herbert]

Like any reason why you cut me off doing 70 at a red light. There's nobody in front of me.

[Adam Carolla]

And the guy in the handicapped van says, what?

[Herbert]

So the person starts cursing at me. So I took a 20 ounce, 711 cup of coffee and threw it at their windshield while we were driving. Next thing you know, they get on the la, the Long Island Expressway. They start chasing me.

[Giovanni]

Oh boy.

[Herbert]

So now I figure, you know what, it's on. You're gonna chase me on the expressway. It's on. They're up my ass. I'm locking the brakes up. They follow me for six exits, which was probably about eight miles.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Herbert]

I get to the destination, which is my son's daycare.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Herbert]

So now I knew this person was following me. They were flashing the high beams the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Herbert]

I'm, I'm in go mode. I jump out of the car, I go to pull the person out of the car and they take one of them chains out from around their neck. They're an off duty police officer.

[Giovanni]

Oh no.

[Herbert]

But they're a civilian police officer. They don't carry a gun, but they work in the precinct. They basically civilianize some of the jobs to save a little bit of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Herbert]

So I'm telling them you're a fake fucking tough guy. And you know, you never bad, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Have nothing smart, you know.

[Herbert]

So we're going back and forth. They go, yeah, usa, you get arrested. And you know, I'm mouthing off. This was two weeks before Valentine's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Herbert]

Two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

When did they show up on the clock on Valentine, Valentine's Day. And, and do they arrest you?

[Herbert]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got locked up and I told these two detectives, you're two miserable motherfuckers who must be divorced.

[Adam Carolla]

That always stops their wives.

[Herbert]

Oh yeah, yeah. So I spent. But I tell you, it was the quickest I've ever been bailed out. I actually got bailed out by my wife in literally.

[Allison Rosen]

How long does it take?

[Adam Carolla]

About seven, eight hours. But this time it's all time. Best? Well, it was top 10. Was. It wasn't his best. He's exaggerating. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Sounds like he could have still made the move.

[Herbert]

No, she was quick. She got the atm, got the money, posted bonds for me, and lo and behold, we went to the movies and we still.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God, he did make the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder if they were like, oh, should we get them now? No, wait a couple weeks. Valentine's Day.

[Herbert]

Well, that's why I said I go, you miserable. You don't rest somebody on Valentine's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

It's their mind. It's their fault.

[Herbert]

The only thing it could have been worse. It could have done on the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I gotta tell you, I've actually paid guys to impersonate police officers to arrest me on Valentine's Day. And I just want to bar and drink. You know what I mean? Sorry, sweetie. What are you gonna do? Oh, don't worry. I'll get out of my own. No bail.

[Mike August]

I'll say so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, what are you gonna do? And then we just went off to TJ Friday, add some short rips. Well, first off. Okay, couple things. Don't fuck with people who drive Chrysler 3002. That's the first thing the cop should have known. You just. I just. I decide. I had a guy cut me off today on the freeway. He had a Denali with custom rims. I was like, all right, I'm not coming. I'm leaving that alone. This guy's driving a Geo Metro or a Citron French car. Citron or, you know. Or, you know, Nissan Leaf. Something that gets over 40 miles a gallon. Nissan Leaf. I'm free up his ass.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But I see the limo tint on the Denali that I'm not getting near that guy. Chrysler 300 is like the number one car you don't with. So the cops should have known. Number one. I mean, the lesson. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

The more that he was gonna go for it. That guy was gonna go for it no matter what. That's what Chrysler 300 is.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was a cop and I pulled over Chrys. A Chrysler 300, I would just start shooting in.

[Giovanni]

That's what I was gonna say. Take my weapon out. Just.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd just empty a clip into it and then go up.

[Giovanni]

Yes, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

License and register.

[Allison Rosen]

You shoot out of the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. License. And I do the extra cop talks. You're what we need you for your go ahead. Right now. Get me.

[Brian Bishop]

What's the deal with the Citizen Cop hybrid? I don't like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I Don't like that either. The off. Off duty cops have to carry their guns.

[Giovanni]

If I'm a cop, that's a rule, first of all. Yeah. And if I'm a cop. No, no, I'm not gonna go after somebody and not have my gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Where do you live? 19th century America.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And I also don't want. If I'm a real cop, I don't want people walking, going around, talking about, hey, I'm a cop.

[Adam Carolla]

Cop, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, no, you're not a cop. You don't have a.

[Giovanni]

You don't have a gun. I don't believe you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, I worked to be a cop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, you can't fill the vending machine at the precinct and then make arrests on people like you're fucking the man. That doesn't work. No, if you're off duty, you have a piece. If you don't have a piece, you're not a cop. If you work in some administrative job or something, I don't want to hear your.

[Brian Bishop]

But you're right. It's like anyone who works near a cop will use that status, like they can pull some and have you picked up.

[Giovanni]

It's gonna be okay. I work at the precinct. I work at the precinct. That doesn't give me any comfort.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I worked a floor buffer, but I'm still in.

[Giovanni]

I know my name. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

They tried to pull him over, though. Or wasn't he the one up their ass?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is.

[Giovanni]

They were chasing him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a douche on douche crime. Yeah. This is like when a crip and a blood shoot each other and you're like, all right, well, one less crip and one last blood. Like, that's fine with me. All right, we got some news. Allison Rosen. Oh, sorry, the news. Yeah. Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen. Technically, you guys are going to read a little.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

From my book at some point as Tyler Perry and. And. Or Obama.

[Brian Bishop]

That is correct.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a Valentine's Day inspired billboard in Westminster, which is down in Orange county, and it's by a group of Fountain Valley atheists. The billboard features an image of the feet of a snuggling couple in bed. And it says, atheists make better lovers. After all, no one is watching. And the group behind the billboard explains atheists make better lovers because they have less guilt about sex. While people believing in religious superstitions attach a negative aspect respect to sex, we do not think.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, first of all, that is what they said.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but pent up. Always the best. Like religious.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

The best you'll ever get is the daughter of the preacher. Right. You want the born again. You want guilt and you want you dad and you're preaching and your abstinence and all that, like that's what you want because there's something pent up. Yeah. You get just sort of free and natural. There's no build out. There's no build out.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. It's just no big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't get the Tasmanian Devil because mom and dad were like, would you like, would you like to talk about contraception or not? We can wait till your 16th birthday.

[Brian Bishop]

Everything about sex is supposed to be wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's the point. Yeah. That's what makes it better. So I'm completely off on this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. See, I feel like I've worked around you for too long because I feel like there was a time where I would have agreed with that because I would have thought it was good to be on mentally healthy. But as soon as I read this story, I thought, nah, but there's. Who's gonna get crazy in the sack?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no one's gonna get. Atheists don't get crazy anywhere.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like a virgin wrote this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody doesn't know.

[Giovanni]

Atheist virgin.

[Brian Bishop]

An atheist version maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if an atheist has ever even like celebrated a touchdown or anything. I don't think they do anything, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Know, plus there's nothing erotic about those feet. Yeah, that's like a parent and child.

[Mike August]

What position are they in?

[Adam Carolla]

Hard to tell.

[Allison Rosen]

They're in the snuggle.

[Giovanni]

In what way are they having sex?

[Brian Bishop]

This is the. Yeah, just the image of the bottom of feet.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like let spoon who's inside, who's outside.

[Giovanni]

Exactly. All the feet are pointing up. Every single foot is pointing up.

[Adam Carolla]

Drugged cowgirl.

[Giovanni]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The position.

[Giovanni]

Apathetic bull.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I'm done. You know, I'm an atheist, but I'm. I can't stand every. First off, I hate all the groups that we have now. You know that. There's the moms who are for lactation and want to be able to breastfeed. The lactivites are going to march and the atheists are going to fucking come out against the. The crest on the Los Angeles. You know, the Los Angeles crest has a mission on it. There's a cross on the mission. And we gotta recall the mayor's coffee mug because it has the fucking crest on it. Who gives a shit? Here's the whole thing. Here's What? A good atheist does nothing. That's why we're atheists. You understand? We're like religion.

[Allison Rosen]

Atheism should not be a religion.

[Adam Carolla]

Religion is a moving job and we got a bad back. Right, right, right. I wish I could help. I wish I could help. Yeah. I'm not.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not very religious myself, but atheism seems like a lot of work in itself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when. When you turn it into its own religion.

[Giovanni]

Right, right, right.

[Brian Bishop]

When it's.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you can be. The thing is there's millions of people in the world who are religious. They're not spiritual, but they're super religious.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I mean, you know, there's lots of religious people. There's something. Everybody in this room does something religiously every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Giovanni]

You know, and I think it's so. It's so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Yeah. Anyway, let's knock it off. Atheists sit back. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

As opposed to fervent non belief.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Exactly. This is the problem with it. This is what would be the problem ultimately with like the Occupy Wall street people, which is eventually, if they did get their way, they'd turn into their own conglomeration with the hierarchy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Animal Farm.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they. Yeah, then they'd start sending lobbyists down to work for Occupy Wall Street. There'd be in a 22 story building in Dubai with the offshore accounts and stuff like that.

[Giovanni]

All their money's in the Cayman Islands.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The idea is nothing. Smoke a joint and relax. That's what being an atheist is about.

[Allison Rosen]

Now the. Oh, go ahead.

[Mike August]

You are an atheist and you do have a hell of a touchdown dance.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like the robot?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Mike August]

It's so much better.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you not seen my touchdown dance? It is fucking epic.

[Allison Rosen]

Have I not. I haven't.

[Giovanni]

It is both of those.

[Adam Carolla]

It is epic. Jesus Christ. Don't put me on the spot here, Brian. You know I hate to perform.

[Allison Rosen]

He's shy.

[Adam Carolla]

And take your word for it, there's a prop involved. All right. I'll show to you. There's a popping and loving it. I think you can talk it through.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you tell me if this would not be the greatest thing in the world if this happened. I think Tio is thinking about coming back. I think Randy Moss is thinking about coming back. Did you hear that? One of those. I didn't hear it.

[Giovanni]

How did I not hear do that?

[Adam Carolla]

I just saw it last night.

[Giovanni]

Oh, last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah. This is the white half of you that. That. That didn't allow the black half to See that? I feel like the black half knows what TO and Randy Moss are up.

[Giovanni]

To at all times.

[Adam Carolla]

At all times.

[Giovanni]

It was simpatico with those guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, there's a part of you that knows what Randy Moss is thinking at this moment. If you could just get in touch with. All right, I will. I will demonstrate.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Dance.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'll offer commentary.

[Adam Carolla]

And if TO could come back and do this, it would be the greatest.

[Giovanni]

This would rock moments.

[Adam Carolla]

The one.

[Mike August]

Is there.

[Allison Rosen]

Some real double headphones are coming off. And the football is.

[Giovanni]

He's got the football.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. He's entering the center of the room.

[Mike August]

You want me to throw it to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you throw it.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian's going to throw a ball to Adam.

[Mike August]

We're on the option.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeff, you're going to have to come in here because I'm just going to.

[Allison Rosen]

The cameras are entering the room.

[Brian Bishop]

This is.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, this is a big turn thing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

He caught the ball.

[Giovanni]

Oh, he just. Okay.

[Mike August]

Running the option.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Well, now I have to run it. He pitched it in.

[Giovanni]

He runs in.

[Brian Bishop]

He's running it and. Oh, the. The ball goes behind his back.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no, wait. What does it look.

[Adam Carolla]

He's trying to. The other.

[Brian Bishop]

One of his hands is turning up.

[Giovanni]

Toilet.

[Brian Bishop]

He's on a toilet. He's reading a toilet on a magazine. The ball. We can't see the ball. He's pushing his face, and the ball falls.

[Giovanni]

The bonus comes out of his ass. It looked like he was almost.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Giovanni]

And he continues to read. I'm pretty sure he continues to read.

[Allison Rosen]

Giant book, too, if you'll notice. It's like an atlas.

[Giovanni]

It's like an atlas or it's like a McNally Rand or a Life magazine.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm pretty.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm pretty sure they would find you for that.

[Mike August]

It was a compelling article. He had to finish it.

[Giovanni]

It's like the largest coffee table book in the history of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm reading a sports page on the toilet. Sports page. I don't.

[Giovanni]

People read the. I love the old school licking of the finger to turn the bed. Not the most sanitary thing to do in the bed when you're on the.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not the most sanitary person.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen enough sports movies where Labradors were, like, scoring touchdowns or mules were kicking field goals. And at some point, the ref runs up to the head coach and they says, there's nothing in the rule book that says Dalmatian cannot play hockey. Go back to your bench. So this would be one of those things to be there. No Nothing in the rule book. Because you can't. I leave my helmet on. Yeah, you can't put a knee down. But I'm not. I don't got my knee down.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not doing it in the direction of any other players.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not taunting. I'm not doing this.

[Giovanni]

You're not slit. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. Nothing says a man cannot read a sports page and have a movement while defecating. Nothing in there.

[Giovanni]

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing they could do.

[Brian Bishop]

And I would love if, like the. As you do it, you know, it's like it's your thing. So every time you get a touchdown, it's a different type of shit. It's like sometimes it's easy, fluid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know?

[Brian Bishop]

Three footballs.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know if I can get extra footballs. I gotta look into that.

[Giovanni]

Can you get me some extra. I need two more. I had a lot of fiber today. Yeah. So I'm gonna need two extra footballs.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like pinball. Oh, there's another ball now all of a sudden.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God. I got the bonus ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that'd be good, right?

[Allison Rosen]

And it really looked like you were taking a. I must compliment your veritable.

[Adam Carolla]

Now imagine just the outrage of Joe Biden. Buck.

[Mike August]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

If we could get him and Bob Costa.

[Giovanni]

That is so unnecessary.

[Mike August]

So sorry you had to see that on our airwaves.

[Adam Carolla]

Besmirched in memory of every great that came before you. Everyone who's laced up cleats and a.

[Giovanni]

Player with the skill level of Corolla. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

It's classless. Classless. There's no class. It's minus class. It's a vacuum of class. It's. How do you spell. How do you spell class backwards? It is Salk.

[Giovanni]

Salk.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Salk. I love slaughter.

[Brian Bishop]

I love how they try and maintain that football somehow some classy, dignified.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now. Their kids are their Pop Warner football age that are watching this at home and they are getting a God forbid that any young student of the game should see this is not how the game is.

[Giovanni]

Take Corolla off the role models list.

[Adam Carolla]

And put him on the toilet. Ro. And they always.

[Mike August]

They always address the kids. All you young kids out there watching, attention, put down my iPhone and pay attention to Joe Bach.

[Giovanni]

It's just football. It's just legalized football.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, they've all seen two girls in a cup by now. So it's like, who the fuck cares?

[Brian Bishop]

96% of these guys have raped someone. In their lives, beaten their wives.

[Adam Carolla]

We're rounding down. Yeah, absolutely.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of like all of that, role models beating your wives. On the View today, Sherri shepherd said, yes, the ladies of the View had a bit of a disagreement over Chris Brown. And Sherri shepherd said that. Well, we'll, we'll hear what she said.

[Adam Carolla]

I've defended Chris Brown and said that I thought he deserved another chance. I still do think he deserves another chance, which we shouldn't just, you know, throw him out because of one mistake and just it's over. But these girls, I think these girls, it concerns me even more than Chris Brown. It's deeper of your self worth thinking worth. Either A, you've been in a situation and it's not bothering you or B, you've never been in a situation and you don't understand what it feels like to get punched in the face. I agree.

[Natasha Leggero]

You should be hard, you know, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Should be hard on women to like.

[Natasha Leggero]

Rev up and get some esteem.

[Adam Carolla]

But also, I don't.

[Natasha Leggero]

I think it's interesting to kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Go be so loose on Chris Brown at the same time.

[Natasha Leggero]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So we have.

[Natasha Leggero]

I think it's two things on Chris Brown.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think so. I think you're losing. Look, if it was your daughter, I don't think you'd be, you know, I don't think you'd be saying anything. Was it Chris Brown himself who said that, that he thought that he. Because he's reformed or whatever, that he should be considered a role model? He said if, you know, you've moved.

[Natasha Leggero]

Past your mistakes, you could be.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what is a role model? A role model, you know, a person who's a kid who may be an.

[Natasha Leggero]

A student who's doing well may need.

[Adam Carolla]

A different type of role model. Chris Brown may not be his role model, but there may be a child in a situation of going through abuse. That's where Chris Brown Brown has gone through. His mother was abused right in front of his very eyes. Six years before this happened to Rihanna.

[Natasha Leggero]

He used to wet his pants from the fear.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a victim. He became an offender. He did what what the courts told him to do. He went to 152 weeks a year.

[Natasha Leggero]

Of abuse domestic prevention counseling.

[Allison Rosen]

You got a child in that situation.

[Adam Carolla]

You may see Chris Brown as a role model. Different people to different he. It is got to get a natural, you know what. And Sherry shepherd, we sign her up for a national. Women realize that this is probably not.

[Giovanni]

The right way to tweet.

[Allison Rosen]

You like Chris Brown, make it about you like Chris Brown, bad jokes about.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting punched in the face. If you've never been punched, you don't know what you're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

So let get just. Maybe some of the women who tweeted have been punched in the face.

[Giovanni]

How could. I mean, I don't know how Whoopi would have that data. Well, how would she have that data to know how many of those girls have been punched in the face?

[Allison Rosen]

She spoke out of turn.

[Brian Bishop]

But that is that it is crazy to me. I mean it's not that he's, he's more famous than he used to be. He's more famous than he was before.

[Giovanni]

Great point, Jordan.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a strange thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, the making a mistake is not putting the emergency brake on your car when parked on a slope. And like walking into a Starbucks and having it roll back and hit a kid, you know, and then it's like you a kid up.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But you made a mistake, right?

[Giovanni]

There was no, there was no intention. There's never an intention to hurt a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Meanwhile we got a kid in the hospital.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is you balling up your fist and punching someone in the face repeatedly. And a bigger offense if you're a car guy in an Aston Martin. I mean that's beautiful. Hand stitched family leather.

[Allison Rosen]

And what, like, like a face doesn't bleed?

[Adam Carolla]

I've toured that, I've toured the factory in Gayton, England. It's fantastic. Yeah, it's all of a sudden blood down. It's got a beautiful cream hides in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you clean it out?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, I'm digressing. Let me just say this. So this like he made a mistake, right?

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not a mistake. Actively punching someone in the face is not a mistake. He attacked somebody. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You decided multiple times.

[Giovanni]

Oh yeah, and there was some joke. One mistake. It was not one mistake, right? Yeah. I mean it's like I may as well have gotten in the ring.

[Brian Bishop]

What happened to that? The rule like when somebody reveals himself as a bad dude, we just don't, we don't. Like there's plenty of other. It's not like he's the next Michael Jackson, talent wise.

[Allison Rosen]

Another guy who was kind of forgiven.

[Giovanni]

Oh yeah, yeah, super forgiven.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, we do. Well, first off, I was saying this the other day. Somehow we have structured our society in such a fashion where if you can dance, all is forgiven. I know, it's like one thing like I'm gonna say to my son, like, listen, arithmetic, screw reading. I don't Give about. I don't care about anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you can just learn to dance, you'll get pussy, you'll get money, you'll get everything you want out of life if you can just. I know. And by the way, you don't have to dance for eight hours a day. Just put together about 30 seconds and tape it. You'll be ducking because it'll be flying at your head.

[Giovanni]

Chris Brown was doing Michael Jackson dances. It's not even. Even original dance.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Brian Bishop]

It's one thing not to hate the dude, but it's another thing for him to be our biggest celebrity.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, don't do that.

[Brian Bishop]

Doing two. Two dances on every fucking reality.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what we were talking about on the show. I want to talk to your white half for a second, because I don't. Ready? All righty.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like radical beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost. Okie dokie in the black. Hello, my name is Graham Wellington in the black community. Too much violence in the black community.

[Giovanni]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And the reason there's violence in the black community is because they do a lot of disciplining with their hands early on. Because the Jewish community, for instance, I'm no Jew, believe me. I got a Jew from no Jew, and I got no love laws for the Jews. Happy not to be a Jew. But Jews don't do any settling with the fist. They settle out of court or in court, but they don't settle with the fist. And so when you grow up settling things with the back of the belt or the switch or the back of the hand, then that's how. That's your approach to sort of settling disputes in life. So it can be on a school bus or it can be at work, or it can be with your girly on your way to the Grammys. But either way, once that kind of gets carved into that young psyche of settling stuff with a swat, a slipper belt, a switch, or whatever it is, then it just becomes part of the way you do business. And then, of course, yes, young Chris Brown sees Chris Brown's mother being beaten on. And then. Oh, yes. And now, yes, that's what you call a negative cycle.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And Sherri shepherd defending this guy for making a mistake perpetuates what is a negative cycle. Somebody needs to say, hey, fellas, knock it off. It's not all right.

[Brian Bishop]

There's plenty of dudes out there who watch their mom get hit and then don't hit somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody.

[Giovanni]

Right. Yeah. And, I mean, my mother. My mother told my father. My mother said, you're not gonna Strike these boys. You're not gonna do it. That's not how we're gonna discipline.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm out of here.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't hit him.

[Giovanni]

It was just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Just 10 years later.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

But I mean. And my dad was like. My dad said to my mom, why not? That's what my dad did to me. And my mom said, that's not the excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

That's not the reason to do it. Because it happened to you is not the reason to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And let's evolve. The problem is, is black folk like the Sherri Shepherds of the world are defending the actions of the Chris Browns of the world. And whitey's like, I don't want to get involved here because I don't want to get called a racist.

[Giovanni]

It's not. I would. I'm going to say, not a good part of our culture. I feel like I'm a.

[Brian Bishop]

That we forgive every.

[Giovanni]

That we forgive. We can't. It can't be a mutual admiration society all the time. We can't forgive every transgression. We can't.

[Brian Bishop]

R. Kelly peed on a child.

[Giovanni]

He peed on a child. I mean, on a child.

[Adam Carolla]

But he can dance.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he can dance.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. No, that's all things. Like, look, once in a while, an ex jock who played for the Bills and racked up 2,000 yards. Gonna kill his girlfriend. Leave him alone. Back off. You don't have to be part of him and Tyler Perry and make a shitty movie. Fine, that's it. We don't have to defend him.

[Allison Rosen]

You're putting them in the same category.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Tyler Perry's worse. Don't get me wrong. I mean, cold. Collectively, he's done more damage to the black community. There's no doubt about that. Because OJ Only killed one person. Tyler Perez. Precious two. Yeah. Tyler Perish crushed the soul of many. One good looking person, Tyler Perry. One hot chick. Tyler Perish. You know. But he's just playing. He's being used like a taxi for corpses. So I guess maybe he's taking steps in the right direction. But the thing about the Black Panther.

[Giovanni]

I didn't hear what you just said there. I don't want you to say that again. He did. What did Tyler Perry do?

[Allison Rosen]

The plane.

[Adam Carolla]

The plan. Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotcha. Here's what I'm saying. Too much violence in the black community. Too much violence. It starts off too young and becomes a way of coping. It becomes a mechanism for coping with issues and problems. And it has to stop. And the Reason I believe that a lot of the prisons are filled with the black folks is a lot of that. Not all that drugs, poverty, and everything else. But there's also a lot of poverty and other cultures that don't solve things with their fists that way. So somebody needs to get the message. And by the way, Tyler Perry as Medea screaming, I'm gonna put a cap in your ass and I'm gonna beat this. I'm gonna slap the black off your face. Is not helping in that department.

[Giovanni]

I hear that. Yeah. I mean, I have to. I am a. I am a proponent of what you're saying because I was raised in. I was raised in a family where we were not struck. There was not a martial law in our family. My brother got spanked one time, and the reason he got spanked is because he almost burnt the house down. My mom said to my dad, yes, you can do it this time. You can do it. No, it was. It was literally a belt like this. Really, A belt like this. And I was fucking terrified. Now I'm also the kind of person. Had you ever spanked me once, I'd have been so horrified how I disappointed you. Me disappointing you would have been way worse than the spanking.

[Adam Carolla]

But the notion of. Of you raising a hand, especially to a woman, to my wife or a child, is unthinkable.

[Giovanni]

And for me, it is not, but it's.

[Adam Carolla]

He. What you don't realize is when you're not raised around it, it's not even a decision. It's not like, well, I feel like beating the shit on my wife, but I'm just not gonna do it. It's physically impossible. And I used to box.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's physically impossible for me to raise my hand and hit my wife.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, unless she's asking for. But you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

That's another thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, meatloaf's a little cold or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I feel like black people, we need to stand up for our women, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a big part of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Start with the natural.

[Brian Bishop]

Start with the natural.

[Giovanni]

Natural step one that.

[Adam Carolla]

Stand up for it.

[Giovanni]

Really. Not smacking them. It's like, stop. That should be like step negative 1. It should not occur to you to do that. The shit that black women have been through in the history of this country, fucking give them a break.

[Adam Carolla]

I absolutely agree. And what we ask them to do, and it's like, hey, have not nine kids and have five jobs, and I'll go over here and do that straightening your Hair. If you have enough time.

[Brian Bishop]

Now the question is, does. Does a black. Black man hits a white woman? Like, you know, the OJ Situation? Is there a little bit of, like, are black people a little bit like, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

See, white people had it coming, though.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit, though. Is there any of that?

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder?

[Adam Carolla]

The. All I'm saying is the culture, it's. It's passed on. It's bread. It's handed down, and it's a cycle that needs to end. And whitey's kind of aware of it.

[Giovanni]

But never gonna say shit about it because people will say, how dare you judge our culture?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

That's it. Yeah. And you're like. And then. And then you're going, yeah, but it's wrong. You say it's wrong. You say it's wrong. And then you're like, well, how are you supposed to answer that? I mean, you can't fight. It's like. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Whitey's just learned. You know what? Let's. Let's not get involved with this, because there's no upside. And there's a possible downside. Bill Cosby started yakking about pulling your pants up and stopped speaking Ebonics, and he was fucking tossed out.

[Giovanni]

Come on, people. When I was pulling up the pants, putting on the shoes and tying the laces. I'm sick of it. That was the name of his.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, people.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you imagine if Bill had beat Camille like that? I mean.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God. Yes. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

You can't imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you need. But.

[Giovanni]

And sit down and ring, and I'm not. I mean, it's easy. We're all laughing because of how fucking ludicrous. And it's.

[Adam Carolla]

You never do it.

[Brian Bishop]

But that. But that is an interesting question. All right, so I'm not a huge fan of Chris Brown's actual music.

[Giovanni]

Music. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So would if this. If you took your favorite musician of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Leif Garrett.

[Brian Bishop]

Leif Garrett. He took Leif Garrett and put him in this situation. Does it change?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. It's tough because I. People have got. I. I went through this, you know. Let me tell you what, whitey, We've had to go. Let me tell you what we have to deal with. We've had to deal with Woody Allen. Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a little bit of a dilemma there. I mean, that's the white. That's the white. That's the Jewish intellectual version of Chris Brown. We got to deal with the Wood, man. You know what I mean? Like, oh, man. His man.

[Giovanni]

He Got some wood already there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I can remember because it happened, because I remember sort of arguing about it with Jimmy Kimmel, who's a big Woody Allen fan, and I am, too. But I was like, God, what a fucking dude. And he was kind of defending him a little bit.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because, you know, it's like a player on your team, like when it. When it happens, a dude on your team that you're rooting for. And I think that's the problem. The problem is somebody needs to say two. Everybody gay or black or Hispanic. And again, easy for the straight white guy to say who's mistaken for a Jew on occasion. Stop looking at it as your team now. Make everything your team. Like, look, every Hispanic in Los Angeles shouldn't be voting for Villaragosa because his last name sounds familiar. See what he's going to do, what his record is, whether he's good. Now he's an imbecile who cheats on his fucking wife and can't pass the bar. But his name sounds like mine, so I'm gonna vote for him. And O.J. he's just a dude who plays golf and lives in fucking Bel Air and flies first class and hangs out with a bunch of white dudes all day. But I'm gonna go down to courthouse and pray for him because he's on my team. Stop with the team stuff. You know, your team is your family. That's your team.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

[Adam Carolla]

Take care of your family. That'll be your team. And stop looking at everybody as, ooh, he's on my team.

[Brian Bishop]

Either your everybody.

[Giovanni]

I was just gonna say the same thing. Everybody could be on your team. And you know what's interesting? What? I find it really interesting is that something that happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids song right there.

[Giovanni]

Everybody's on your team.

[Adam Carolla]

Even me.

[Giovanni]

Even you.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm Asian American.

[Giovanni]

That's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody's on your team. Hold on. I'm in a wheelchair. That's okay.

[Giovanni]

You're still on the team.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody's on the team.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm a girl.

[Giovanni]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Wait a second.

[Giovanni]

We gotta get a new team.

[Adam Carolla]

Get in the pool, baby. We're wild on your ass. It's a hit.

[Giovanni]

I mean, the thing is, you know, a trick that was. Here's a trick that Washington's been pulling for years and years and years. The big trick, and I say this to my wife all the time, is when you have to work really hard. Let's say Obama didn't have our best interest at heart. Or any politician, white or black, doesn't have our best interest at heart. You vote for the person you think is on your team because it's the convenient thing to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Giovanni]

Because you've got to work three jobs. You don't have time to really know what the issues are. There was a website that I wanted my wife and my stepson and my brother and my mom to look out a few. And now I can't remember what it was called in 2008. And what they do is they put down all the policies that certain politicians stood for, but they wouldn't tell you the politician's name or what their affiliation was. And you'd go, oh, I'm for this guy, right? He's, he's. This guy is pro life life, but I'm in the nra. So he, like, it's hard to find this guy, but there's a guy out there, he's pro life, but also anti gun control. Like, you know, like, likes guns and, and like sports, but doesn't. But is an atheist, right? You go, no, there's no way. There's some guy who's in the NRA and an atheist. It's true. And then you go, well, that, that's the guy for me. And then you find out the guy is a Republican. No, I can't vote for him. Right, vote for him. I'm a Democrat.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Giovanni]

But he's your guy. No, I'm. No, no, I'm gonna vote for this guy over here. I'm gonna vote for this guy over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So the. Again, this whole like. And this is why I'm. I'm sort of not down with all the parades and all the events and all the heritage and all this stuff cried. I want the whole sort of just melting pot, enough with the team thing. But either way, aren't you one of.

[Mike August]

The sponsors of the San Antonio feast?

[Adam Carolla]

That was Jimmy's idea.

[Giovanni]

He never met San Gennaro. He never missed Santa.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no goddamn Little Italy. La is a little Ethiopia. There's a little Koreatown. Little Philippines. Little Philippines. No Little Italy. Come on. Someone's got to get a decent slice every once in a while, don't you?

[Mike August]

I love a zeppelin as much as anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm quite down over there. Whatever the fuck you are, you shitty team. What the hell time is it? Oh, Tyler Perry. I've heard. I was told that it's Tyler Perry time. Tyler was going to read a little passage from my book.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, are you referring to the Obama?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

The president could read a little passage from the book you would like. You.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, president. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what you want. That's what you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well.

[Giovanni]

And maybe Madea will chime in every now and again, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good idea. This is about Tyler Perry movies.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Tyler Perry movies. I don't blame Tyler Perry. It's not his fault he's a horrible writer. It's not that hard to write horror horribly. It's Oprah's fault for making a star out of a guy who's built an empire around gun toting.

[Giovanni]

It definitely.

[Brian Bishop]

Definitely is 250 pound grandmother whose conflict resolution strategy involves threatening to put her foot up your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hallelujah.

[Brian Bishop]

Dear black community, you don't have to support this guy's subpar problem just because he's the same color as you.

[Giovanni]

Good afternoons.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not like I sit around and say to my white friends, rob Schneider's got a new piece of shit coming out this weekend. Let's head down to the multiplex. Oh, glory, by golly, he's white and we need to support our own. If you think parenthetical, if you think I'm being too hard on Tyler Perry or Rob Schneider, I challenge you to watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman or Deuce Bigelow.

[Giovanni]

You should watch both them movies. I'm gonna shoot you in the ass with my.38.

[Adam Carolla]

Y' all think I'm playing. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Just go see the filmst.

[Brian Bishop]

Good night.

[Adam Carolla]

What is Tyler Perry's word? He has a word I've seen on the billboards with Madea. That's not quite, is it?

[Giovanni]

Not what? I remember that one billboard. It is Hallelujah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

[Giovanni]

That's cuz I do it for the Lord's glory.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like Dr. Bruce.

[Giovanni]

Do everything for the learn.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if anyone in the history of time has been that famous in half of America and so unfamous in the other half.

[Giovanni]

Oh, completely. And runs an empire where he lives. I mean, an empire.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to educate my white wife on Tyler Perry because she only knows him from Oprah.

[Giovanni]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I was like, like, Tyler Perry's horrible. And she's like, what do you mean? Oprah loves Tyler Perry. He looks great. He's great. I said, oh, no, no. He's a horrible writer. His movies are horrible. And she's like, what are you talking About. And we sat down and watched about the first 20 minutes of the first Madea movie, which plays like a movie of the week from the mid-80s. And it's just. It's just bad writing. It's just horrible writing. It's not a cultural thing. It's just. He's a bad writer. And she, like, looked at me and she was. Went, what is this? And I said, that's a Tyler Perry movie. She said, really? And I said. She said, it's horrible. I said, I know you're listening to Oprah. Oprah can't like it, by the way, can she? She can't really like that.

[Giovanni]

But that might be the team thing again. Oprah said, well, because here's the. Here's the interesting thing. If you look at a Tyler Perry movie, they look gorgeous. Yes, the writing is gorgeous. And all the jib shots and the. You know what I mean? They look terrific. And I think some sometimes, like, nowadays, you see kids who have their own cameras and make these Internet movies, and they look tits. They look great. But that doesn't mean the content's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it doesn't mean.

[Giovanni]

I wonder if that's. Is that hoodwinking Oprah?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the Diary of a Mad Black Woman is a super rich chick who's married to a super powerful rich dude gets tossed out of her mansion because he cheats.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

So he gets caught cheating, and all her clothes get thrown out onto the front lawn. And then they have that scene where she's driving. He calls a U Haul to come pick him up. And they're just driving around and he does that thing, which is horrible writing, where he goes, lady, we've been driving around this town for five hours and I still don't know where you want me to go. And it's like five hours. I would have asked that. An hour, maybe number two. Yeah, I would have. Lady, we've been driving around town for two hours, but he's been running around for five. She's like, he cut my credit cards in half. I got nowhere to go. And I'm like, is this how divorce works? Because this is awesome. This is how divorce really works. So hold on. I get to fuck a chick. You catch me, and then I'll throw all your clothes on the lawn and cut your credit. Credit cards. I guess you better drop me off at Madea's house. Okay, lady. Real good looking black U Haul drivers pick me up. Like, first off, horrific riding. I don't know what fucking year he's living in this Is, oh, yeah, that's.

[Giovanni]

The other weird thing is like he came through a time portal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, he did.

[Giovanni]

The good looking U Haul driver. Good looking U Haul since what other U Haul drivers?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't, I don't, I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

It's one of those things. I feel like, I feel like black people don't never watch one of those movies alone. Like go home and be like, all right, man, I'm just going to put on. It's like, it's like, okay, this is a place I know a bunch of black people are going to be going and we're going to be laughing together.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's, it's communal.

[Giovanni]

It's. Yeah, so there's no time for analysis because it's communal.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to be like Bill Belichick breaking down some game film at three in the morning in your office, just sitting there alone going, that don't make.

[Giovanni]

Any goddamn sense at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Who gets divorced this way? She has no money, she has nothing, so she has to go live with Medea.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it's like one of those, it's like, it's almost like Carrot Top, you know, it's like, I mean, I, I, I, I love Carrot for what he is, but man, like if you, he will kill.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he will slay destroys.

[Giovanni]

And you're going, water. Yeah, I don't, I guess I don't understand what the hell you're all laughing at.

[Adam Carolla]

His jokes are like a He, you know, sent. He's skinny red headed Tyler Perry. I've said it many times. No, he literally holds up a baby that's duct taped to a board and goes, baby on board. And then he goes, that's stupid. And he throws it away and it's like, yes, that is stupid. That's dumb.

[Giovanni]

He says that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he does with all this stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

It's been stupid for 15 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Carrot.

[Giovanni]

It's still stupid. Carrot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So he's, he's, he's my Tyler Perry. Yes, he is. I feel like I have to apologize to black people for now.

[Giovanni]

Here's what's funny. He was bad. Was Gallagher bad?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Gallagher did two things. Gallagher was bad, but he was first in line at being bad. So when you're the first bad.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you see what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

It's like the first caveman who said, but here, look at this. This is a wheel, right? And then another caveman, like two months later made a really bitching wheel that put his wheel to shame.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

Fuck you. But he's still a. He's still. He's still a pioneer.

[Adam Carolla]

There first, but he's still a pioneer. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

The artist that called himself the amazing caveman came.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

His brother stole his ass. Yeah. And every once in a while, I mean, look, let's face it, once the sledge o Matic came out, he couldn't change the channel. When he held up a dozen eggs and you're like, all right, I'm not changing the channel.

[Brian Bishop]

That's al. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's alleu. Is that.

[Giovanni]

That is. And good afternoons.

[Brian Bishop]

I wish they would do a movie together, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Bring the news home. Bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Giovanni]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Sign off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's her. Now you know the rest of the story. Go to meeting everybody. Oh, you got. You guys travel a lot, right? Oh, you got your iPhone. You got your iPad.

[Giovanni]

We got our iPads and phones.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have my iPad yet.

[Giovanni]

That's my next purchase after we get our money back.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, it's the wrong commercial. This is go to meeting with HD faces. That's how it works. You can have a meeting. Like, you know how it is. You got your office, you got your riders, you got your people. They're back at the home base. You're traveling, you're at a hotel, you're playing a gig, you're doing something like that. You get everyone up on one screen. Look at. At this.

[Giovanni]

Look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, look at that. I want that one of every nationality, too. It is. It is awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

Just always.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I have an eastern Indian guy sit in on my meetings just. Just around it.

[Giovanni]

Look at that lady in the bottom corner right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes.

[Giovanni]

Looking very good. Natural hair for her. That's beautiful hair.

[Brian Bishop]

It's very good to be part of the meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have to mess with their hair, but they're practically black.

[Giovanni]

They're practically black, but not really. The hair is straight.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Bishop]

We could use their ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Must hate them and their hair. Try gotomeeting free for 30 days. Free for 30 days only if you use the promo code Adam. This is absolutely amazing. State of the art technology. GoToMeeting face to face with GoToMeeting.com click on the try it free button, enter the promo code Adam and try it out for free. And one last one. You guys like a challenge, right?

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm all about challenge.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a. How about toughmutter.com Marathons 10k is boring. Boring. This is the ones where the guys are running. They're going through the mud and crawling underneath the thing. They're doing the whole military thing. It is. You got something rolling, get on your knees. 10 miles, 25 military style obstacles including 10,000 volts of electricity. And then you jump into an ice dumpster called the Arctic animals. Oh, my God.

[Giovanni]

Is that down in Oceanside?

[Adam Carolla]

Where's that worst, by the way, Worst sports drink name ever. I don't know what Gatorade was thinking when they came out with the arctic enema. There you go. Yeah. And again. And in this day where you walk 5k for breast cancer, please. This is a. This is a. This is a man's race. Toughmutter.com they'll meet you at the finish line with a beer and a live band. I like that too. 35 events worldwide in 2012. Go to toughmutter.com toughmutter.com use the promo code ACE for a little discount. That tough mudder if you want a challenge. Toughmutter.com all right, where the hell were we? Redondo Beach. Coming up with Dennis prager on the 25th. Second show added. Fox Theater, Bakersfield, Seattle Moore Theater. Almost sold out everybody. So if you're gonna go, you better get going. That's Friday, March 9th, Spokane. Coming up at the Knitting Factory. Saturday, March 10th, Portland, Newmark Theater. Getting close to gone too. Kitty. Sunday, March 11th. All right, so hey, man, thanks for coming in, you guys.

[Giovanni]

Thanks for having us, man. This was a good time. That's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Anytime you like. Name of the show, Key and Peele. And you can find that on Comedy Central. 10:30 Central, 9:30 Central.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

On Tuesday nights on Comedy Central, you guys can be twittered at. Jordan Peele. That's P E E, L E. And Keegan. Mk. Yeah, as well. Two E's in Keegan. Keegan, M key, M key. I'm sorry, M key. Screw that up. It wouldn't be show if I didn't something up. All right, so until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Keegan and Jordan and bald Brian and Alice and Rose and saying Mahala.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait just one minute. Why does your vagina need to be so moist?

[Giovanni]

All right, Those Adam Cole Show 757. Coming up next, we have Adam Cole Show 759 with longtime recurring guest Natasha Leggero. Allison Rosenberg, Brian Bishop, of course, also from 2012. Natasha always crushes it.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. And now he only feels alive when he's dancing. Adam Carolla Yeah, I gotta be on stage. I gotta be dancing. Usually for my life. Natasha Light is here.

[Natasha Leggero]

Go lightly.

[Adam Carolla]

Kid is on.

[Mike August]

Who had one second.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mike August]

We have. We have an office pool going on how long it would take you to reference the fact that Natasha Lazzaro means light in Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't finish it.

[Natasha Leggero]

This is a sophisticated crowd. How does everybody in this office know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Holy crap. I yelled about it last time you were on here on the show.

[Natasha Leggero]

So someone thought it was gonna take 12 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

That was me. I was. I.

[Natasha Leggero]

But you know what?

[Allison Rosen]

I woke up with a bad feeling this morning, thinking there's no way. There's no way.

[Adam Carolla]

Who had 20 20? Who had. Who had 24?

[Mike August]

The PP. The porcelain punisher.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Matt the porcelain.

[Allison Rosen]

Because they clogged up all the small numbers. I was like, I'll just go the other direction.

[Mike August]

Matt clogs up a toilet.

[Natasha Leggero]

So you had to be here with all these guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what did we get? We got what, seven seconds in.

[Allison Rosen]

Try borrowing with the music was still playing.

[Natasha Leggero]

I actually had to stop him. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so who won? Brian?

[Mike August]

Oh, I wish Chris won. Chris Lopsalapsa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Chris Lopsalapsa. Wait a minute. What did Chris. Oh, two minutes. Oh, we had two minutes. Yeah. We gotta get a new driver. Sharpie there. All right. Wow. Not bad.

[Natasha Leggero]

You guys somehow turned my name into a sport.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything, any money exchanging or just the chocolate coated almonds?

[Mike August]

There's no money in this building.

[Adam Carolla]

Natasha Light is here. Are you there, Chelsea? Name of the Show, Wednesday nights, 8:30 on NBC. Natasha, for those who don't know the joke or at least the story, Leggero is light in Italian on a lot of cars, old Italian cars. It'll say Super Leggero on the side of it.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a few of them. I think they must spell it the same way.

[Natasha Leggero]

Well, I hate to break the news, but there's also a Fendi perfume called Leggero. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, super gay. Wait a minute. Yeah, I'm not sure. A couple old Lamborghinis I have say Super Leggero on the. On the side of it, but a.

[Natasha Leggero]

Couple of your Lamborghinis, just a handful. You don't call them Lambos, do you?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, he does.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I don't think there's a problem with the Lambo. There's a problem with calling Porsche a Porsche with some people.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, I do that. It's not called a Porsche.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, they'll kill you.

[Adam Carolla]

And people from San Francisco don't like the San Fran or Frisco.

[Natasha Leggero]

Nobody wants Frisco.

[Adam Carolla]

But they're just douchebags who want to argue about everything. That's right.

[Mike August]

Yeah, that's right.

[Natasha Leggero]

It's San Francisco or the city.

[Mike August]

The city will work.

[Adam Carolla]

The city.

[Natasha Leggero]

The city. That's confusing. What if I'm in Naples?

[Allison Rosen]

When we went up to Northern California, Brian spun around in the car and very seriously said, whatever you do, don't call it Frisco.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Where do we come down on the dock versus the dock? Nsf. I know Frisco has some docs, but I'm talking about a documentary. I don't like the doc. I don't like when people call it doc.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't either.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I like Curb either.

[Natasha Leggero]

You know what I hate? Strong Island.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like Long Island.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Strong. They do Strong Island.

[Natasha Leggero]

I heard that, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Natasha Leggero]

That's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

I do not know.

[Allison Rosen]

How do we feel about Lenzer? Like someone who shoots something. A Lenzer. I think that's only.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

That one big variety.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what gets talking about like a paparazzi or photographer or dp.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. It refers to someone on a movie set, a lender. Like L E N S E R. All right, now we're getting deep in the trades. Never mind. Do you call them tamps or pawns?

[Adam Carolla]

Natasha. Natasha. See, last time we saw you, I think we're talking about last of years, couple comic standing, is that correct?

[Natasha Leggero]

Well, I hope not because that's been off the air for three years, but maybe I was still talking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

We're still talking about it. Hasn't been off the air for three years, has it?

[Natasha Leggero]

I have no concept of time. I just always tell people I've been here for five years, but I think it's nine.

[Adam Carolla]

And you shot an unaired pilot for NBC called the Strip. Tell us about that experience. Really? Please.

[Natasha Leggero]

Don'T make me talk about failures.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you about. Well, did you do this? I don't know what year you did it, but like three years ago. Three years. Everything's just three years ago. When were you born?

[Natasha Leggero]

That was definitely three years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Three years ago. When was 9 11. Three years ago. When did they find the War of the Falklands? Three years ago. When you'd get a. When you do a pilot and the pilot doesn't air, you can do a sort of a math, which is to say they put one show On. And you go, well, I guess we came in second place to outsourced.

[Natasha Leggero]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then comes Perfect Couples. And you go, well, I guess we came in third place. And then the Paul Reiser show comes on and you go, well, I guess we came in fourth place, number four. And then they do Strange Bedfellows comes on out and you go, well, I guess we came in fifth place. That math.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah. I mean, the fact that anything gets made ever is a miracle.

[Adam Carolla]

What year? Oh, you don't know what year? What? Do you remember the shows? Like, do you remember?

[Natasha Leggero]

I remember that was a multicam and NBC said they were only doing multi cams. And then they ordered five of them and they were all like, you know, $5 million each. And then they didn't pick up any of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they didn't pick up any of them.

[Natasha Leggero]

Any of the multicultural. That means, you know, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

All right. Well, I don't know if I know. You know, the audience might not know.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell the audience.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah, A multi camera is like when you're. When you're watching, you know, Friends. Friends. Yeah. But acting in a multi cam, that's a different story because that's. What are you there? Chelsea is.

[Adam Carolla]

And a single camera is like when.

[Natasha Leggero]

You'Re watching more like a movie Friends drunk.

[Allison Rosen]

And in the industry, they're always going back and forth about, oh, now there's no more multicams. It's just going to be single camera.

[Natasha Leggero]

The multicam is back and forth on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Natasha Leggero]

It's filmed in front of a live studio audience. So when I'm acting like, we'll be acting on Chelsea's show and you'll be in the middle of, you know, doing something, and then all of a sudden it's like, okay, cut. And then you look up in the stands and everyone's just, why see it? Everyone's singing and they're throwing taffy at them.

[Adam Carolla]

Warm up guys out there.

[Natasha Leggero]

There's a guy who literally, the warm up guy juggles plates. Like he spins plates on. On this thing. And it's like acting at a parade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's always fun.

[Natasha Leggero]

It's a very bizarre experience.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird and sad for that guy, except for that guy makes a lot of money.

[Natasha Leggero]

I don't know how much money they make.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot. What do you call a lot those guys make? Like. And it all depends. And I don't know if it's changed, but it used to be that if you were the warm up guy for a show, like, I knew the warm up Guy for Married with Children, and he was getting like 1200 bucks a show.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I was swinging a hammer and making 13 bucks an hour, I was like. And plus. Plus, once these shows have been on the air for five seasons, they kind of have it down.

[Natasha Leggero]

They don't want anyone else to come.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that, but it takes them an hour and a half to shoot. It's not all day when you're getting started, it takes all day. Nobody knows what to do. Season five. They're in and out pretty fast. You know what I'm saying? So when you're getting twelve hundred bucks for working for two hours or two and a half hours. That sounded insane because I would break everything down to an hourly rate, you know, like you're getting $560 an hour. Like it was insane.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's a good idea to break things down to an hourly rate.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Natasha Leggero]

But I count everything. I count getting on the plane, getting.

[Adam Carolla]

To the airport, going to the gig.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah. So then it doesn't turn out.

[Adam Carolla]

Having sex with the politician and coming home.

[Natasha Leggero]

The waitresses all.

[Adam Carolla]

All part of the. Yeah. So I. That was. That's what I wanted to do. I want to do audience war. You ever think about doing that?

[Allison Rosen]

Are there any women who do it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

That is, you have to be high energy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, back in the day.

[Natasha Leggero]

But thanks for the suggestion.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't mean now. I mean back in the day.

[Mike August]

That'd be a great agent. Hey, I have an idea.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever think about quitting your gig, doing the multicam and being the person behind the camera instead of in front of the camera?

[Allison Rosen]

You could be a lender.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You could be. Be a cleanser. Sweetie, can you spin a plate? We'll start you with saucers and you'll work your way up.

[Natasha Leggero]

The guy on our show, also his big closer, he takes one of those industrial ladders, like not just the 8 foot, but the 12 foot, and somehow balances the whole thing on his chin.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. An A frame ladder.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah, like one of the huge ones. And it's. I don't know how he does it.

[Adam Carolla]

And don't you think he should have a chance to be on camera?

[Natasha Leggero]

I was trying to photograph him all.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're just gonna hog all the camera with your witty banter while he's doing real performing in front of just a handful of eyes, never to be captured on film? You think that's fair?

[Natasha Leggero]

I'll tell you what, though. My mom came to see It. And they would not stop talking about him. Like, they just thought he. She and her husband and their. Like, my brothers, like, they were just like. Now that guy, they took his card.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a total dig on you.

[Natasha Leggero]

They could only talk about that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You be you. I'll be your mom. Oh, my goodness. Did you see that man?

[Natasha Leggero]

So, mom, what did you think of the show, though? Remember, I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you and Kelsey are okay together, but that guy with the. A frame ladder on his chin. Laura tampon from that 70s show is funny, but not balance. Ladder on chin funny. She's kind of sit around funny. And I guess if you like watching people talk, it's fine, but this guy spins plates. He does.

[Natasha Leggero]

They were so impressed by him.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, he's burning calories. He must get paid twice as much as Chelsea Handler, right? No.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, are we still doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. I'm gonna keep going. He's so much more talented.

[Natasha Leggero]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I'm thinking? He must have to be really good at this whole plate ladder thing, because if accidentally a plate flung out and hit one of the audience members or the ladder fell on them, that'd be really bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

He never makes a misstep, does he?

[Natasha Leggero]

Well, yeah. I mean, there must be a distance or something that he's keeping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a safe ladder. Oh, yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

Well, when he does the ladder, he's not in the stands. He goes down, like, almost on the set. Like, it's always in between.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, even you're lighting up talking about it.

[Natasha Leggero]

Because every time he would do it, because I'd be in the middle of acting, but I'd try to run back and get my cell phone. So I wanted to tweet a picture because it's like, everyone told me he was doing it, but I never knew it was like. Like how big the ladder was.

[Adam Carolla]

They give away candy too, right?

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, they throw taffy at them. They throw pizza Sometimes this. It's like. I mean, they order pizza and then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, no, what I'm saying is back. Ah, the cheese, it burns. Back in the day, spinning hot pizza, hitting the eye with a pepperoni.

[Allison Rosen]

Pepper action.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd you get your detachment? I used to do some amateur boxing. What about you? Oh, don't ask. The taping of Chelsea. Are you there? Chelsea?

[Natasha Leggero]

You know, there's a job. You know, there's a job. Not at Chelsea show. Cause she has fans that come out. But there's a job called audience work.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, the Wranglers. You gotta get the audience out there.

[Natasha Leggero]

So there's People who are like getting paid $30 an hour to just sit in an audience.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, especially when a show's new. When a show's been out for a while and people it has finds an audience, then you find it. But when the show first starts off, who wants to go see a show? But if you have Chelsea Handler, she's twittering and tweetering and all that stuff, and she has an audience she can bring over there. But if you're just starting a show. If we were just starting our own four camera sitcom now, we'd be screwed. Well, we wouldn't. We'd have us. But you know what I'm saying?

[Natasha Leggero]

We should do that.

[Adam Carolla]

We should do that. No, what I'm saying is, did you ever think about doing that back in the day?

[Natasha Leggero]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You always just want to do stand up.

[Natasha Leggero]

I don't like having to like, like play music and sing and try to like, get people to like, get their energy up.

[Adam Carolla]

All the qualities you want in a stand up. I don't like with all the talking and standing. Okay. That's not my thing.

[Natasha Leggero]

No, the energy, like high energy, like that pressure to do high energy. I like to. I like to just be myself, which is kind of mellow sometimes, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So. No, but even. See, I knew how much they got paid. That's why I was.

[Natasha Leggero]

I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, holy. I couldn't believe how much I got paid. Because back then doing open mics and things like that, you don't exactly get rich. But this was, you know, like I said, twelve hundred bucks. They paid him a lot because their feeling is, is these. This guy will make or break the show. It's insane.

[Allison Rosen]

And then they put a laugh track over it, though.

[Natasha Leggero]

No, no, I don't think they do that as much anymore. I mean, people think they do, but.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they just mic them up. They're mike and they can turn them up a little bit and sweeten it up a little, but it'll still be them.

[Natasha Leggero]

I mean, canned laughter. That's something different. That's like mash, right? Or that's like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing that was weird is.

[Natasha Leggero]

They had to do that so fast. It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We had a little bet on how long it would take Brian to hit the candle after sound effect. The H man's walking with some money now. How does it feel, baldy? Yeah.

[Mike August]

If you had.2 seconds, you win.

[Natasha Leggero]

There's something comforting about that fake laugh, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels good.

[Natasha Leggero]

I like it. Did they have that on Archie Bunker?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Natasha Leggero]

Was that real?

[Allison Rosen]

It's good until you have a friend who's like, do you ever notice there's one person who just yells? And then you start noticing that there is kind of someone in the canned laughter just going.

[Adam Carolla]

They would use the same one over and over again since, like, I Love Lucy. Just like they would use the same car crash sound effect. Like, when a car crash, it make the same sound effect in every movie. And in everything, they just had, like, a handful of standard ones. They figured it out. Now it becomes embarrassing sometimes.

[Mike August]

I hear this in every fourth commercial. Oh, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Mike August]

You hear that in every fourth commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody went and got the perfect diesel going by honking a horn, and they used it.

[Natasha Leggero]

Is someone making residuals off of that? Whoever recorded that?

[Adam Carolla]

They should.

[Mike August]

Should be.

[Adam Carolla]

I think John Travolta played one of those guys in a movie where once. I swear to God. What was that movie?

[Mike August]

Blowout with the De Palma movie? Yeah, I think it was a blowout.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but that wouldn't be bad. No, he was a recorder.

[Natasha Leggero]

Charismatic.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. He was a recorder. He was out recording, like, Foley artists. Like, he was getting sounds. Nature. And like, when you make a movie, they'll go out and get stuff. I mean, they do it in movies. I was one of my greatest.

[Giovanni]

Caught a murder.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Oh, yeah. He caught a murder on tape. Hey.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

From 19. From 1989. Spoiler alert. Whatever it was. Okay. Actually, I had one of those moments. I made a movie and we were sitting around with a guy who was doing our sound stuff, and they, like, certain stuff they'll have in their bank and then other stuff, they'll just go get it. Like, they'll just go put a piece of plywood on the floor and put it and, like, run on it in army boots and hold a mic down there. And they'll get the right sound and they'll do weird things to get the sound of a punch or slam or whatever it is. And we told them about Modern Romance, which was an Albert Brooks movie where the guy played Albert Brooks, played the Foley guy. He played the sound guy. And so we're like, what'd you think of that movie? And he's like, don't believe I've seen that one. And, like, they made one movie. One movie. The chronicled your profession. One movie, and you've not. And it's made by Albert Brooks. Like, who? I don't believe I'm familiar with that. Name one movie that chronicles your profession and you've not seen it. And you're in the industry. And he's like, I haven't even heard of it. And I'm like. We're like, doesn't every third person who comes in here goes, have you seen that Albert Brooks? No one's ever brought it up. You guys are the first people. It's like it's the only movie that's all right. Anyway, it was one of our. Me and Kevin Hinch went insane.

[Allison Rosen]

Believe me, I need to bang coconuts on a plot thing of plywood to make a horse sound.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like if that guy who balanced the. A frame ladder and spun the plates. If there was a movie starring Albert Brooks about a plate spinner who did audience warm up and balanced a frame ladders on a chin. And this guy hadn't seen it, nor had he heard of it.

[Natasha Leggero]

It would probably have been his life story. I mean it's probably. Those are his, his, his gags.

[Adam Carolla]

It's too close. Too close.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not ready yet. It's too painful.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when people come up with that. You know why? They don't get along too much alike.

[Allison Rosen]

They're too similar.

[Adam Carolla]

Too similar. It's like really? I like people that are like me. I like them more.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever loved someone too much?

[Adam Carolla]

I wish I could. Fuck me. I really do. Yeah, they love too much.

[Natasha Leggero]

You know what's interesting about that profession too is like they have the same feeling that actors have where it's like, yeah, this is not as much work because the reality shows, well, they're kind of against single camera because now there's not as much work for them because in the 80s, every sitcom. So they were just going from one gig to another and doing this warm up work.

[Adam Carolla]

But I think that, yeah, you don't need a warm up. Obviously in reality you don't need it for single cam. But I think. And I think Two and a Half Men was the paddles that brought the life back into the multi cam. Cause I feel like the multi cam was going. And then Two and a Half Men came out and it's the number one sitcom for the last eight years. And everyone went, oh, it's back, everybody.

[Natasha Leggero]

And comedy is an evolution. So that's kind of like. It's almost like I felt like we had surpassed that and now it's. Now everyone's still trying to make it the one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all. All it takes is one big hit in that format. And it really is. Because if you go back to, you know, 2002 or whenever, whenever it Came out. It was all starting to go. The curb your enthusiasm kind of.

[Natasha Leggero]

That the rest of development.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Just. Just everything was single camera. This is the future. We've evolved into this. None of this fake living room and canned laughter and whatever. And now it all came back. And I blame Two and a Half Men. Not in a bad way, but you know what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

You blame them in a good way.

[Natasha Leggero]

You know what? I don't. This whole Nielsen rating thing, I think that's. That's a scam.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think?

[Natasha Leggero]

Well, I know this guy. I know a guy who has three. His family has three of them growing up.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah. And it's like. And each. Each Nielsen box accounts for 600,000 people.

[Allison Rosen]

I have never known anyone who had one.

[Natasha Leggero]

Does make sense. That's what I mean. So we're not getting counted. Even if we do watch things live. It's only the people who have these boxes.

[Allison Rosen]

We should have representatives. It should be like the electoral system.

[Natasha Leggero]

It really should. It doesn't make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Our founding fathers did not have this in mind.

[Allison Rosen]

No paying cable bills without representation.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is how it's gonna be eventually. Cause I come from radio, and in radio, they had something called Arbitron Diaries, which is. You get a golf pencil and a little diary, and you write down what you're listening to. And they pay you a dollar or something or $10, but everyone. No one writes it down every day.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Dr. Bruce's food diary idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's just the end of the month. You just write in, oh, Howard Stern. And just kind of draw a line. All right? And he'd hand it in. And that's. They went off these little diaries that they handed. That they handed out to a handful of people. And that was how it went first off. I don't know what's a worse title. Airbus or Arbitron, Like Arbitrator. You're working arbitrary into your accounting system. Like, would you want a calculator called Arbitron? Like, well, sometimes this number comes up, and sometimes that number comes up. Who knows?

[Natasha Leggero]

And they were basing their programming on this, like, diary every.

[Adam Carolla]

Hundreds of kabillions of dollars spent in radio for the last possibly hundred years on this little paper diary with the golf pencil that a handful of. I don't know who filled out. And then at a certain point. Handful of liars at a certain point, they went to the portable people meter. People meter, which is a thing you wear on you that hears TPM's.

[Natasha Leggero]

I've heard people talk about that because I was in San Francisco doing a show, I was in Frisco, and they're like, you can't. We can't get any more radio. Because apparently they found that people who wearing the ppms, they tune out when, when people start talking. So I couldn't like promote my show.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about the ppm. Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

So. So they, they actually monitor when people are tuning in and tuning out and then they're basing what they're programming on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, it's horrible. So they gave the ppms to everyone and then everyone started freaking out and they did what all program directors do, which is. And everyone does when they panic, they just go shorter and faster, shorter and faster.

[Natasha Leggero]

Constantly. Like music underneath all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Loud pumping music. Super, super short and fast.

[Natasha Leggero]

Everyone seems so desperate. Yeah, like this.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's louder than Everybody got ass cracking back sack in the morning. Coming at you 5:43. It's 43 after hour. That's 17 away from top down. We got top down. We got news, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, weather, news coming to. Traffic, sport, traffic, traffic, weather, news coming to. It's now 5:48. 5:48. 48 after the hour. It's 12 minutes away from the top of the hour. Natasha Leggero. Excuse me, super legero. Don't call it a Lambo, everyone. It's a Lamborghini. Don't call it, dodge it. Are you there, Chelsea? Can you hear me, baby? What do you think? Tell me about your show. What's it like working with it? Hey, where are you going, man? What's it like working with Chelsea Anderson? Is Chelsea Anders beautiful in real life?

[Natasha Leggero]

Can I say what is even?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, we gotta go to traffic, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, traffic and news, weather, traffic, sports. Top of the hour, bottom of the hour, middle of the hour. Quarter of the hour, 10th of the hour it is. What time is it? 5:59. That's 59 after the hour. It's 11 minutes away from 6:00 clock. Straight up. Remember, top of the hour, we got the weather. Weather, weather, weather. Worse than news. It's not.

[Natasha Leggero]

Can I say what is more scary than that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead. Fast. Super fast. What's Chelsea like? Huh? What's. Yeah, we invite her on the show. She's not been on the show, by the way, though.

[Natasha Leggero]

This has to be like at 5:15 in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

You're sexy lady too. You're sexy lady too. You're sexy lady too. Hey, how about you show us your Boobies. Weather's traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic and weather coming up at the top of the hour. Oh, he's up. It is 5:50. That's 10 away from the top of the hour. It's 5:50, 50 after the top of the hour. We got traffic, weather, news.

[Natasha Leggero]

50 after.

[Adam Carolla]

Super sexy, super lightly. She's what you call a spinner. Forget about those plates. Spin. Natasha, what do you got? Chelsea Hannah, what she like that Laura Prefontaine? What she like over that 60s show?

[Natasha Leggero]

I'm trying to tell you what Chelsea are.

[Adam Carolla]

What is Chelsea Hannah like that she's dying.

[Natasha Leggero]

You're not even listening to me. I'm trying to tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

Traffic, weather, news. You mean get her on the phone, call her up, give her a text. Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me explain to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Chelsea, I'm sorry. We got to break away from news. Traffic, traffic, weather, news, weather, traffic. And Natasha Legeras and Chelsea Legeras in count. Chelsea, hold on. We got to break. It's 551. It's 51 after. It's nine away from the top of the hour. Traffic, weather, weather, weather, weather, news and traffic. Coming up, what is Chelsea Handler really like?

[Natasha Leggero]

Okay, can I say something?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry. We got. Sweetie, hold that dog. We got to break away. It's important. We got people out there with the PBMs out there. We got to break away for traffic, news and weather.

[Natasha Leggero]

Go ahead on top. Just stop playing that music for a second because it's really making me sick.

[Adam Carolla]

Or program directors running down the hall.

[Natasha Leggero]

So, okay, so now when you go to these radio stations, not only is that happening, but you look and like, they don't get records anymore, obviously, but they just have this little email of what they have to play, and it's like Katy Perry, LMFAO, Katy Perry, Kesha. And then it's just like. Like McDonald's, Walmart, Target, like Million.

[Adam Carolla]

We got Katy Perry, we got Kesha, we got lmfo, we got Lucky ll, mmmfl.

[Natasha Leggero]

And the same commercials. And that's all these guys do, is just press a button on, like, the worst songs in America and just pollute the airwaves. I just feel so bad for them. They don't get to discover new music anymore. Anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what it is, is, it's what you call negative cycle. Because the program directors are just scared and stupid. They're seriously stuck. You think? I always say, TV people smart and evil, Radio people evil and dumb. Nice, man.

[Mike August]

To be fair, everyone was preaching faster and shorter. I said shorter and faster.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true, Jack. They're dumb. They're dumb guys. They're consistently dumb. I mean, no, seriously back. I mean, we used to have and talked about a million times on this show. But Joel McCabe would come on back before Joel McHale was Joel McHale. And he'd bring in clips from the Soup. And every Friday, and we'd play the clips and we'd have a nice laugh about it. And the program director, it'd always be like, does he have to come in every Friday? Can he come in every other Friday? And can he speed it up? And Zach Galifianakis was the same way. Who else did we have in there?

[Mike August]

Those are the two that. I remember that.

[Natasha Leggero]

And they said, can he speed it up?

[Mike August]

Oh, and they want Les Mikhail and Les Galifianakis.

[Allison Rosen]

Those guys.

[Mike August]

Get them out of the studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

No instincts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, long before the man show, Jimmy and I were together and they said, you two together on the radio. No poison. Break it up. So they have no instincts. Their whole thing is always speeded up. I did Loveline for 11 years, and the only note I ever got was, hurry up with the phone calls. Roll calls. It's the only message. The only meeting. It's the. Every time I met with the program director there, they always said, roll calls. You're spending way too much time on each call. Hurry up, pace it up. That's the only note I ever got. I was there. Yes, I forgot.

[Mike August]

They also hated Louis CK Whenever Lampanelli would come on, he would hover in case he said a swear word. He was so nervous. So it was Lampinelli, Louis C.K.

[Natasha Leggero]

What are they scared of?

[Mike August]

Joel McHale can't have me.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know. See, what they're doing is apologizing for not having a sensibility. They don't have a sense of humor. They don't know what's funny and what's not funny. So the thing is, hurry up, Just move it along. And that way. How bad could it be? How bad could Louis CKB or Joel McHale or Zach Galvanash. How bad could they be if they just kept it to two and a half minutes? If they keep it to under a Katy Perry song, how bad can it suck? Long form is trouble for the them. I will say this. I don't like to talk about myself, okay?

[Mike August]

Break your rule just once.

[Natasha Leggero]

Just once, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I am not exaggerating and I'm not using any hyperbole. I got to loveline. We had zero affiliates. When I left loveline, we had over 100 affiliates. I was told for over 10 years repeatedly, roll calls and hurry up. I never listened. I never did it. Brian will back me up. I'd spend 20 minutes talking. Did not hurry up. But every single meeting I ever had with anyone in charge, especially the program director, was more calls and faster. More calls and faster. Well, seven years ago. Six. Seven years ago, I left Loveline, and I never sped up the calls. I always took my time, and then I left. Since I've left, they've sped up the calls, they've rolled the calls, and the show has dropped off considerably. I don't want to get too, too specific because it's going to sound harsh, but the show went from perennial All Star to.

[Natasha Leggero]

I don't even know it was still on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hanging on, let's put it that way. And I love everyone involved with the show, but obviously your retarded advice of roll calls was just that, Anderson. Unfortunately, no one will ever go, why did the show drop off when I left? They'll never go. Well, maybe longer format is what people crave. Maybe that's more stimulating at that hour. Maybe that's what they want. There's no lesson learned. The next guy will tell the next person to hurry up. And roll calls as well. The show fell off a cliff after I left, and it's not attributed to me, and it's not attributed to me leaving either, which is another one of those things. And they wanted to get rid of me for a long time over there at Loveline because I would not roll calls. So obviously, there's a certain level of retardation in the radio world, and that's why people are moving toward the podcast.

[Natasha Leggero]

And that happens in every art form. I mean, are there always the people kind of ruining everything? Is that always like, even in vaudeville where there's someone there who's, like, trying to mess it up?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure Jack Silver's great, great grandfather, Jack Silverstein. Jack Silverstein had a lot of wax in his mustache and was like, listen, you guys, riding the motorcycle through the barrel, it's fantastic because you're smart. Speed it up a little bit, for crying out loud. 22 skidoo already. Now, listen, I gotta bang some blabbers.

[Natasha Leggero]

No, because what they do now with your shows is they test. They tell you they want a smart show, the network, and then you make your pilot. This happened to a lot of friends of mine, and they test it in Vegas to an audience of people who are getting paid $30. Like anyone who's in Vegas who needs 30 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, fat guy in the fanny pack with the cut off sweats. The guy who just made it rain nickels. I think it's about time you found your way to the daylight. Good news, you make an extra 30 back and be back here in 25 minutes. You go see Natasha light. I'll get into that story later. W.E.B.C. over there on there, two and a half minutes. All right, what is Jade Stage five. Jade Stage five.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah. So that's how they're testing the shows to see if they're gonna even let them see the light of day.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys who have the. Add a leaf to their fanny pack. The guys had extendo belt. Like, the guys are too big to fly that add onto the fanny pack. And let's be fair, they do it in Tampa as well.

[Allison Rosen]

These are the seats of culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's Harvard. Harvard of the South. Yeah. They get the dumbest people that are wandering the streets of Vegas, and these.

[Natasha Leggero]

Are their $5 million projects. Like, so they're giving it all in the hands of these people who are in Vegas wandering around. Who. Who would ever do that? I mean, I've been to Vegas a few times, but I would never go to Vegas when my car get paid.

[Adam Carolla]

They give them a wheel, and they turn the wheel when they're happy to the right, and they turn it to the left when they're unhappy. And I've said to him a million times, how do you think Archie Bunker would have tested? Because every time he was like, hey, Pollock, over here, meathead. They would have started turning it to the left. They would have been like, oh, who's this scary fat guy yelling? He's yelling. And then when Gloria came on, they would have turned it to the right again, like, oh, she's sweet, she's blonde, she's nice. And then when Archie Bunker started yelling again, they would have started turning it to the left. And then they all would have had a meeting and they would have went, look, we gotta fire Carol o' Connor or we gotta soften him up. He's not likable. Have you seen his testing? His test? It's like. But it's like testing a Bond villain. Like, of course he's supposed to be that guy.

[Natasha Leggero]

The whole likable thing, I just. It's so annoying because it's like whenever I watch the things I. The shows that I like, like, you know, I was watching, like, Absolutely Fabulous the other night. Like, those girls aren't likable. They're terrible people that. Terrible mothers they're called.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't call That I was out or.

[Natasha Leggero]

Even like, Louie, you know, like, that's not like a typically likable per. Like, there's always.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Darkness, Seinfeld. That's the whole argument.

[Adam Carolla]

They want everything to be likeable.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I've had it. And the greatest is when they pitch you the revisionist history, which is the best part about that process of making a pilot. Like, when you go, look, making everyone lovable and likable is not funny. I have to have this explanation with people sometimes. Like when somebody says, how's your wife doing? And you go, she's a delight. I couldn't be more in love. It's not funny. It's just not funny. You have to complain and then it's funny. Sadly, it's funny. And I've had it explained. To me, it was the greatest thing. It's like, you knew Archie and Mike would argue, but you also knew that if something ever happened to Meathead, Archie would be the first person to the hospital. And I was like, no, I did not know that.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, you didn't read that in my all in the Family fanfic.

[Natasha Leggero]

Archie wouldn't have gone to the hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought he'd be happy. I know, I know. It's this crazy revisionist. Like, oh, no, there was great love there. Like, no, there wasn't, you ass wipes. The guy was an unlikable guy and that's what made it funny. And that's how you have to. You have to have a little salt to bring out the sugar. You make everything into sugar. And you got shitty Mexican pastry.

[Natasha Leggero]

Thought you were gonna say Mexican tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, got a little of that too. Natasha, you want to hang out and do some news with us? By the way, I should give out Natasha's website. By the way. The way, Natasha Leggero, that's two GS. L e g g e r o dot com. And you can Twitter her at the same name. Good times. All right, so we'll do. I know Natasha's got a. Got a hard out. What time we got to be. How many more minutes do you have here, Natasha?

[Natasha Leggero]

I have to go at 8:30, so I'm good.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're good. All right, baby girl, what do we got? You know, it's funny, every once in a while you can tell the people. Not you, sweetie. Because we go back. But every once in a while they'll get the thing from the publicist where it's like, yeah, they only have half an hour and then they stay for an hour and a half. And you go, do you gotta go? And they go, oh, no. And then you realize they just said that because they thought they were gonna be. That was gonna be a bad day.

[Natasha Leggero]

They didn't know that you were cool. You should take that as a compliment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I'm not. Not mad. It's like you going on a date and telling your friend, call me in 45 minutes on my cell phone. But if it's going well, you'll go, oh, yeah, I'll call you tomorrow. But if it's not, you're like, oh, God, my God, I will be there as fast as I can. I'm so sorry.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's a good point. But I really do have to go. I'm taking a flight to New York.

[Adam Carolla]

To New.

[Natasha Leggero]

You don't really say Frisco, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. Are you seeing anyone? Are you dating?

[Natasha Leggero]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Natasha Leggero]

I'm on a break.

[Adam Carolla]

You? Really?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Unfortunate. I thought you weren't a liar. Boy. What's going on? What happened?

[Natasha Leggero]

We broke out.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? He couldn't take your success.

[Natasha Leggero]

Stop it. No, that's not what happened.

[Allison Rosen]

You couldn't take his success?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Natasha Leggero]

Why does it always.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you okay with it? Yeah. You want Brian to pick up the pieces.

[Allison Rosen]

Why did you get a creepy look in your face when you suggested Brian pick up eyebrows?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to stay until I went.

[Allison Rosen]

Up and one went down. Your eyebrows have sex on the brain.

[Adam Carolla]

They call them the sex Swifter. Yeah.

[Mike August]

I move slowly but deliberately.

[Natasha Leggero]

Thank you for turning that music off.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you okay? Well, look at you. You're beautiful. You'll land on your feet.

[Natasha Leggero]

Thanks, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on a TV show. Well, yeah. You're fine, right? Yeah. How long's it been?

[Natasha Leggero]

It's. It's new.

[Adam Carolla]

It's new. Oh, still new.

[Natasha Leggero]

It's like two weeks old.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Natasha Leggero]

I don't have kids or anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're all right.

[Allison Rosen]

But just around Valentine's Day.

[Natasha Leggero]

I hate Valentine's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid horror. Fuck that. Whose idea was it? His or.

[Natasha Leggero]

It was very mutual.

[Adam Carolla]

Very.

[Natasha Leggero]

I'm not giving you, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Because very very sounds pretty good to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, is there such a thing as slightly mutual?

[Adam Carolla]

No. But there's the mutual, which means it was him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or. But the very mutual sounds as copacetic as we can get here. Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

Is that what I said? Very mutual?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You didn't mean it to be very mutual.

[Natasha Leggero]

It was very mutual.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Natasha Leggero]

Or was the word amicable? Yeah. So it was that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. How long were you guys together?

[Natasha Leggero]

Five years.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Let me know. All right. You're fine, baby. You're good looking. You're heading to York City.

[Natasha Leggero]

You're on a popular station, the Big Apple.

[Adam Carolla]

You're heading to the Apple. You take it by storm. And, man, she's going to take a bite of the big, cool last name. Besides, you get married, you lose that. That last name of yours.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, yeah, you know me, the traditional lady just dying to take some man's name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

And cook for him and do his laundry.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. Yeah. All right. Oh, yeah, Dawson's single as well. Get you guys together. That's why he was playing that.

[Allison Rosen]

She already feels bad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we play. Should we do a little news, by the way? Sorry? The news with Allison Rosen.

[Giovanni]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Giovanni]

Up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Whitney Houston's Saturday funeral. It will be live streamed and televised, so don't feel bad if you didn't get an invite, because it's invite only. Kevin Costner, who starred with Whitney Houston in the 1992 hit movie the Bodyguard, which I personally didn't enjoy, will speak at her funeral. The ceremony will also feature performances by Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin. It's at the New Hope Baptist Church, which is the Newark, New Jersey church.

[Adam Carolla]

Where she contact has Costner and her had in the last 21 years.

[Allison Rosen]

Something tells me not very much, but.

[Adam Carolla]

He'S kind of got to do it.

[Natasha Leggero]

Maybe they couldn't find anybody cool. He hasn't been hanging out with good people for, like, the last 20 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've said it once, I've said it again. When you're black and you die, it's a bummer because everyone's got to show up. Like, Al Sharpton will have to be there.

[Allison Rosen]

He's already made a statement.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Really? Is that a true thing? No, listen. When the Golden Girls died. The Golden Girls live out here. And, like, when Rue Mcclanahan died, Bea Arthur didn't go down the hill to go to her funeral. Like, literally, like, as the crow flies, are, like, three miles from. Bea did not go. But when someone black dies, you got to get on an airplane and you got to go to, like, Memphis. The thing you know, it's not like Al Sharpton and Whitney Houston were fucking in the 90s.

[Natasha Leggero]

I didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't even know each other. I mean, you know, it's one of those things where, like, if you're black, you kind of have to. And if you're Al Sharpton and anybody darker than Tom Petty dies, you have to make a comment about it.

[Natasha Leggero]

What's his comment?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have it in front of me.

[Adam Carolla]

It was, oh, I know. I didn't know her that well. I'm not gonna be at her funeral. We've heard it all before.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It was self deprecating and humble and he kept the focus on her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what was great about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Spoke about not really not knowing her very well, not attending her funeral.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. In fact, he said he wondered why anyone wanted to know what he had to say about it. In fact, we should probably find some people who knew her better.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the Al Sharpton I know. He said, you know what? Why don't you find some friends and some family really knew Whitney Houston, spent time with her.

[Allison Rosen]

Now's not the time for me. For me to be in the limelight. I demand.

[Adam Carolla]

That must be. That's a lot of pressure for Al Sharpton.

[Allison Rosen]

I know it must be impossible for him to ever make plans because he has to be able to be somewhere at a moment's notice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Remember when Corey Haim died, if I was like the white Al Sharpton, I'd have to be like, we lost another brother. He was a dear, dear friend.

[Allison Rosen]

It would be good that you know Dr. Drew in that case, though, because he could sort of give you a heads up warning.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Sharpton. All right. That's perfect.

[Allison Rosen]

Oprah Winfrey is the latest celebrity to join.

[Adam Carolla]

She's got to be there, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she's gonna be on Jimmy Kimmel's post Oscar special.

[Adam Carolla]

She's got to be. She's got to be at the funeral.

[Allison Rosen]

I believe she is going to be at the funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't be black and notable and not be at the funeral.

[Mike August]

Oh, yeah, that's a slap in the face.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't do it in the dead face. Cause once Al Sharp, once everyone shows up, then you have to show up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's so much pressure being built. Black.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Is there anyone that we have to do that for?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, the golden girls didn't go to each other's funerals. No, we don't need to do that. I didn't go to my grandfather. Didn't even have a funeral. Neptune Society, they dumped them in the ocean. We didn't even go.

[Natasha Leggero]

What's a Neptune Society?

[Adam Carolla]

A dude in a station wagon comes to your house and picks your corpse up and then leap.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's called the Neptune Society.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they dump you in the ocean.

[Natasha Leggero]

That was a club.

[Adam Carolla]

Theoretically, they. Well, in a store, in a way, it is. Yeah. Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

So that's an option for death. So you don't have to pay for a funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, what it is, it's per if you're an atheist and cheap. It is tailor made for you. And the Corollas are cheap first and atheist second. Or maybe cheapness is the religion. But. But they take you.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's ours.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. They take you, they cremate you, and they scatter the ashes. But we didn't even go on the boat. We just took their word for it. So I'm sure they probably have a stage one, stage two, and stage three. Stage one is $189. We'll pick up the corpse, cremate it, throw its ashes over the open sea. Stage two, that's $315. You go out on the boat and scatter, you know, scatter rose petals. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're good with stage one. Just take them. Sarah.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember hearing that my grandparents wanted to be cremated. And I thought, why? Why wouldn't you want to be buried? And then I remember hearing, well, it's, you know, actually sort of a gift you give the family because it's so much cheaper. But still, I find, I don't know, I couldn't cheat.

[Natasha Leggero]

I definitely want to be creamy.

[Allison Rosen]

You do?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Buried is weird.

[Natasha Leggero]

Bones rotting and taking up space and some. Ugh.

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

Or donate my body to science or something. You want it taking up space?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, when you put it that way, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You want some weird.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. I mean, none of it's ideal.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird lab tech having sex with your corpse? Is that what you're saying? Because believe you me, I know what goes on in a morgue, and you don't take up that much space. You know, it's not like your interior alignment or something. Thing. You're super leggiero, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

So you want to be cremated, though? You've given this thought?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah, I just want to do what? Whatever is like the least amount of trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do that plop sound. There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Barry, you like Bin Laden. So Oprah has to be.

[Mike August]

Or Megatron.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to. I got to hear Al Sharpton's super blowhardy. Well, you don't. You have it.

[Allison Rosen]

I have it.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone else will find it. Well, I want to hear about Jimmy too.

[Allison Rosen]

But I emailed it to my friend because right when it happened, right when she died, he said, I'm not gonna have peace till I hear Al Sharpton's statement. And then I laughed. And then later that day, I read it. So I emailed it to him. So I do have it in my iPad somewhere, but maybe they could find it. If not, though, if you give me a second, I can pull it up. So anyway, Oprah Winfrey is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel's seventh post Oscar special, along with Billy Crystal, who's hosting the Oscars.

[Adam Carolla]

He has made fun of Oprah 10,000 times.

[Mike August]

I was just gonna say a piece.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's no.

[Mike August]

But, you know, it's not a one way.

[Adam Carolla]

We started the man shows like the anti Oprah movement, and then he used to do Oprah on the toilet.

[Mike August]

Oprah, Jim Free.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oprah Jim Free. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, she's gonna be part of the special. And Billy Crystal and Meryl Streep, George Clooney and Martin Scorsese, and a performance by Coldplay will wrap up the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Wowee. That is huge. Are they doing it right across the street at the Kodak theater? Is that what they're doing the Oscars this year?

[Mike August]

It's permanently now at the Kodak theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

And also, I don't know if you've heard about movie. The movie. That's this viral thing that's kind of sweeping. It's all over the Internet today. You know how there's all those little viral skits that he does as part of his post Oscar special that everyone talks about? So here, here's a snippet from one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go through a list of your co stars and you tell me what you think of them, all right?

[Allison Rosen]

And that's Samuel Van Duran.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, mother. Tom Hanks. Mother. Don Cheadle. Meryl Streep. Oh, God, I love Meryl. She is such a sweetheart. George Clooney, Mother. Jimmy Kimmel. I'd say mother, but that's a compliment.

[Brian Bishop]

Sucker.

[Adam Carolla]

That is excellent. Yeah, looking forward to that. Oh, my God. I am. I am going to a party over at Kimmel's this weekend that is going to have all those people and more at it. Maybe Al Sharpton.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What's the occasion?

[Adam Carolla]

The occasion is what is. Oh, Stern. Howard Stern's coming in.

[Mike August]

Same as last time.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Mike August]

Yeah, we gotta. We gotta devise a game plan for you because last time. What did you do last time? You got drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I got drunk.

[Mike August]

You got drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

And you talked to Ashton and Demi, which is not gonna happen this time, about human trafficking.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh huh huh.

[Mike August]

And you and Clooney had like, a man hug, right?

[Adam Carolla]

We had a man hug, yeah. Yeah. Is that it? No, I talked to every. No, me and Bill Simmons.

[Mike August]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, imagine him. Him. We ran into Ben Affleck and talked to him. Hey, Ben, I saw the town that was right across the street from Fenway with the green Monster Go. Pass. Oh, yeah, it was.

[Natasha Leggero]

Do you get nervous at those kind of parties?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't know why I don't, but I should. I get drunk, you know. No, I had.

[Natasha Leggero]

Wait, I want to hear why. Why does he get nervous?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I don't get nervous. I don't get nervous about anything. I mean, really. I mean.

[Giovanni]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But why? Everyone's nice.

[Natasha Leggero]

Don't take like. Don't eat. Don't eat it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's nice. I know. I did. I had a fun time. I talked to Ben Stiller and he was very funny. And I said, ben, I was installing clothes like 18 years ago and somebody popped in a cassette and it was you playing Tom Cruise.

[Mike August]

Tom Cruise impression is amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I said, but instead of, you know, hustling pool, you were bowling. And it was a really funny skit. It was like. It was. It was, you know, the Hustler, but it was. It was you as Tom Cruise, but you're bowling. And that was like 19. 1991.

[Mike August]

Was that his old TV show?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I think it was a sketch he did even before that. I think it was even before that. And. And they just popped in, you know, they're like, ben Stiller. Like, who's this guy? And they're like, isn't this funny? It wasn't like, isn't Ben Stiller funny? Who's this guy? And he was like, oh, thanks a lot. And then we took a long pause and I said, have you done anything since then? And then he went, well. Well, not really since then. And I was like, well, that was a really funny bit. You should bring that back. And then every time we ran into each other, it was right back to the you should do that bowling bit again, because I think people would like that. Yeah, it must be from 91, 92.

[Natasha Leggero]

Trying to think to carry around a VHS tape of something to show people. Must have to be really funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I was installing a closet in the woman's house and she pulled it out and put it in. Yeah, I. I wonder what year that was. Yeah, it's the Color of Money. But it was bowling. Sorry. All right, we have Al Sharp.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it looks like we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let's. Let's hear an outstanding range.

[Giovanni]

And yes, she could hit notes no one else could reach.

[Adam Carolla]

But what made her different was she was born and bred in the bosom of the. The black church.

[Giovanni]

Hit notes, but they don't hit us.

[Allison Rosen]

Chris Brown does.

[Adam Carolla]

Say words, but they have no meaning.

[Giovanni]

Have gifts and talent, but no anointing.

[Adam Carolla]

Something about Whitney that would reach in you.

[Giovanni]

Yes, he had problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Queen Tut to her to his right? Is that an actual human being or is that a plaster gone in the godless veil of time? We will remember that voice. She will out sing her critics. She will out sing the rumors.

[Giovanni]

She will out sing all that they can write.

[Natasha Leggero]

He hasn't even met her.

[Allison Rosen]

He knows he doesn't have much to say.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's stretching it and he's working. He would have worked in nine. 1987, by the way. The Hustle of Money. The Hustler of Money, 1987. So way back. Yeah. He would have worked in 15 personal stories by now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, you would make a horrible black person. Okay, let me explain why I'm bald. I know that much you got going, but I'll tell you why. Because when Sharpton is talking, he's up there and he's like, there's no finer voice that ever hit the stage. Yes. There's no finer beauty that's ever graced the screen. Yes. But see, you.

[Mike August]

Oh, I see. I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

See, here's what it sound like. You'd make a horrible black person. There's no greater voice than ever hit. That ever hit a record player.

[Mike August]

There's some pretty good voices out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. There's some good ones. Yeah. I mean, okay, Aretha Franklin, those other pretty good voices. By the way, there's no more beautiful actress there's ever been on the screen before.

[Mike August]

Argue that they're Charlize Theron, for one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's attractive. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Yeah. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Nobody's body of work, whether it's on the big screen or on a CD player.

[Mike August]

I would argue that there's Madonna at least would be up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's. Yeah, she's made some movies. Yeah. Okay. She made a few more movies too, buddy. She sold a few units. All right. I'll give you that. Okay. Never before has a talent descended down from the heavens that's been touched by the hand of God to this magnitude.

[Mike August]

Oh, come on, Grace. Look, Had a voice that was amazing, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Mike August]

Difference for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know, you know what? I'm gonna wrap this up. I'm gonna wrap it up. That's why you'd be horrible to black church. You'd be the world's worst black church member. Fucking horrible.

[Mike August]

That'd be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you imagine a group of bald, Brian?

[Allison Rosen]

I can.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of non knowing grunts going on. When you went, could I get, can I get a yes, sir?

[Mike August]

I don't know about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been to the mountain.

[Mike August]

I don't know if he knows even close to.

[Adam Carolla]

I feed to the mountain.

[Mike August]

He says, the man mountain, but it's.

[Adam Carolla]

A hill, I'm telling you. I'm stood at the top of the mountain.

[Mike August]

He took a drive to the mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

I ascended to the top of the mountain.

[Mike August]

Halfway up and he took a mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I get it on, man?

[Mike August]

Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

To those of you who've been to the top of the mountain and look down, I mean, I guess, yeah, it'd be the worst fucking thing ever. Oh, that'd be horrible. Dr. Drew.

[Herbert]

Yeah. There's somebody worse. It's me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, Drew. Dr. Drew. And bald brine is your congregation.

[Herbert]

Amen. Amen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Drew, last I checked, Whoopi was giving you a little crap on the View for, I don't know, voicing some opinion on Whitney and prescription drugs or alcohol.

[Herbert]

Because God knows a physician should never have an opinion. I should never use my professional acumen to help educate people and to raise awareness and sort of call it like I see it. That, that's outrageous.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, to be fair to Whoopi, she did play a basketball coach in a movie.

[Herbert]

Listen, I, I, I fully sympathize with the idea that, you know, we shouldn't be jumping to conclusions. And when I first started reporting it with cnn, that's exactly what I was saying. And that it's, you know, I don't like the idea that I'm being trotted out there to come out of this poor woman over and over again. That makes me crazy that, you know, hls CNN really want me out there all the time talking about it. But to the extent that I do have something to say, I deal with people like this all the time. And I can, this is not an uncommon situation in my world at all. That pretty much shapes up to be what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Do you feel there's like a you there, Dr. Drew?

[Herbert]

I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there an element, is there a racial element to this, which is she's black. Whoopee's. Black. She gets a comment on her because she's black. And you are not only white, you're like five white guys. This is kind of our problem and our situation. How dare you?

[Herbert]

It's a great question. I actually asked that. I had several African American women on my HLM program. I asked that question because it felt like there was some racial something there, and they all kind of brushed that off as.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not it. Not the African Americans I know. No, not at all. All right. Whoopi is what now? She's lost fastball? I'm sure you suspect Whoopi's on a thing or two herself.

[Herbert]

Yes, but no, No, I actually think she's sober, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Herbert]

But I wonder why.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that drives both you and.

[Herbert]

I crazy is, fine, people take aim and have criticisms. How about an apology on the other side of it when I prove to be right. Just. Just a little.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Oh, that. That never happens. I've heard people arguing with Drew for 15 years. And when it turns out out there, Drew is right and they're not. They never. They never double back. That's something celebrities will never do, by the way. It's part of being a blowhard. So, Whoopi, I don't even get it. Whoopi's mad at you for saying that she may have been on prescription drugs before. And by the way, what about Tony Bennett getting up on stage? How about that old sack of wind talking about the doctors or the pushers or. That was.

[Herbert]

No, he did, and that wasn't his point at all. His point was he skipped right over the prescription part of this and said all drugs ought to be legalized.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. But he was focusing on illegal drugs when in fact, this was prescription stuff. And then goes on to cite other folks like Michael Jackson, who were in fact under the care of a doctor and not using a pusher. He shit on his own point in about four and a half syllables, which is hard to do.

[Herbert]

Right? Exactly right. And this story is not about illicit drugs. This story is about doctors screwing up drug addicts, which is really the big story these days.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So if you were first off, as I commented yesterday, this notion that you can be sober and still have a couple glasses of champagne now and again, because that's not your weapon of choice. Not. Not cool with you. A disaster.

[Herbert]

If you think about Whitney's story. Everyone knew opiates, cocaine, pot, alcohol, treated three times, last treatment, May of last year. And now she's out toasting with champagne. Oh, my God. They should have Tackled her. Should. Did. We did a Stevo. You know, tape them up and take them to treatment.

[Adam Carolla]

But as Whoopi. But as Whoopi would say. And it would take about 10 minutes for her to spit it out. But as Whoopi would say, you don't know what was in that cup.

[Herbert]

Well, but I. What do you think? I mean, she's intoxicated, and by the way, now there's overwhelming reports, and then we'll find out at the autopsy what's. What's in her system.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah, there.

[Herbert]

There. There are reports coming in from all. I mean, hotel guests reporting that she was at the bar, you know, complaining about those drinks not being strong enough. I mean, there's all kinds of reports. And. And by the way, I talked to a girl tonight on my HLM program who. Who was there and had a little fight with Whitney that night, and she was like, of course she was drinking. And then all of a sudden, she flipped. She flipped into this aggressive, paranoid state because she drank too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, ultimately, in your opinion, and I don't want to get Whoopi's dreads in a knot, but in your opinion, what would you say, from your professional standpoint, took her down? And how much. How much. And I don't know how definitive you can be about this, but how much damage does the prolonged use cause? Because it's hard to tell, was that if that amount was taken in when she was 21 years of age, would it have done to her what it did to her? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Herbert]

Yeah, I know what you're saying, and that's possibly the case. But what we more commonly see, in fact, is people, when they cut down on drugs and alcohol, then step it up all of a sudden, because they're used to being very tolerant to it, that sometimes is when they get into bigger trouble. If I had to put a bet down, I'm going to put a bet down on what you're going to find. You're going to find two kinds of benzodiazepines, alcohol. And I just think there almost has to be some kind of opiate or opioid, because that's the one that usually really does the trick. That's what really, in combination with alcohol and benzo. That's when you stop breathing. That's just right.

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, as I've said, if you're gonna go. Go in a bathtub filled with some olive oil and just slip away, you know, if you're going, that's all that's Right.

[Herbert]

And you know, it's a terribly sad story, but it's one that I think we have to talk about. I mean, when are we gonna talk about this stuff? When everyone's forgotten about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how do you, how do you feel about this? Like, she has a school named after her, and there's a bunch of nine year olds attending a school with her name on it. And she was a drug addict and was ultimately probably taken because of said drugs. And as far as the message to the kids go, what's the message here exactly? And is that really what you want on the front of your school? And you know what, Adam?

[Herbert]

I would take issue with that and say, yeah, just because if she had cancer, if she had bipolar disorder and killed herself, I mean, yes, you still. She had an illness, but you. But maybe you used that as a teachable kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but teachable, Teachable kinds of things. Like, you know, hey, let's, let's have Chris Brown Elementary. It's teachable. Like, hey, he was abusive, but he learned his lesson. But we should teach the kids about physical abuse. I mean, teachable is not what you name a school after, is it?

[Herbert]

Yeah, as usual, you're right. I know better than to argue with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm sure they didn't know it at the time. I don't know what year, I don't know where. I'm sure they didn't do it in the last five months, but you just wonder.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like Judy Garland. There could be a Judy Garland High.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe there shouldn't be. I mean, is there.

[Herbert]

Hey, you guys, I gotta run here. Okay, I'll be happy to call back next podcast or whenever you need me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, buddy boy. Thank you very much. Sorry about Whoopi. No, look, I am sure just about every high school that's named after somebody. I mean, I went to Walter Reed elementary, came up with a cure for malaria or something, but I'm sure he's got a couple skeletons in his closet. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying think about what that suggests, and you think about the number one thing you want for your kids is not to do drugs. Is that pretty, pretty high on the list of things you don't want your kids to do? They're going to a school that's named after somebody who turned out to be a drug addict. Now, if they named the school before that, then that's something else grandfathered in. But if they named it recently, and I'd be curious when they did It, I would say, I'd argue that wasn't probably the greatest choice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean, I think people are tying themselves in knots over how to regard Whitney Houston because she's a hero and she's brave and she's this and she's this. But also self destructive and, you know, seemingly died of drugs.

[Natasha Leggero]

So Whoopi got mad that Dr. Drew said anything about.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she was talking.

[Natasha Leggero]

She was talking, she was drinking champagne.

[Allison Rosen]

She was talking about the irresponsibility of the way the media is talking about Whitney Houston before they really know anything. And first they played a clip of Nancy Grace suggesting that maybe there was foul play. And then they showed Dr. Drew, Nancy Grace. Dr. Drew was like all fired up about this and then she should have.

[Adam Carolla]

A high school named after her. Her.

[Allison Rosen]

And then Whoopi was saying that, well, how do they know that Whitney Houston was really toasting? Maybe it was ginger ale.

[Natasha Leggero]

So she was at a hotel.

[Allison Rosen]

Whitney Houston was. Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

I'm missing something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she died at a hotel and she was seen, you know, drinking in the days right before she died and acting really erratic. But Whoopi was talking about sometime, I don't know how.

[Adam Carolla]

Usually 48 year old women don't scrap with other women at nightclubs unless they got a little something in their system. I found, I would hope. I didn't remember as a young boy seeing my mom swinging a purse around at a nightclub, you know, although it would have been a nice step up from her locking herself in a room and yelling freak out.

[Natasha Leggero]

Was she still dating Bobby Brown?

[Adam Carolla]

My mom, she's dating one of the other guys. From Boys to Men.

[Allison Rosen]

No, they had been apart for a while. But she also dated Ray J. Oh, he's a delight.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was that school name? That's the question we need to find out. All right. Do we want to watch the View? We want to hop on the phones. We got the rest of the.

[Mike August]

I don't want to hear from line three at some point in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do too, because I feel bad for poor Herbert. Herbert.

[Herbert]

G' day, mate. How are you going?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. What time is it over there in Australia?

[Herbert]

It's just after three in the afternoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Lot of Whoopi Goldberg fans over there.

[Herbert]

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so, mate. No, not a lot of whoopee fans here.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, how's it going over there? Now, I know you're trying to get a campaign to get me to go out to Australia.

[Herbert]

Yeah, I am. So last time we spoke a few weeks ago, we talked about that. So I've set up a Facebook page which people can find by either Googling Adam Carolla, Australia or you can Google get it on Down Under. You'll either find oral sex or the page. Either way, you win.

[Mike August]

Careful.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Herbert]

It'S just about getting people out here more aware of the podcast more than anything else.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thanks, Herbert. You're. You're a landscape architect?

[Herbert]

I am, yeah, I am. I'm originally a economic person and I was a stockbroker for a while, but, yeah, I got out of all that. Yeah. Landscape architecture now.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Oh, well, thank you very much. And how's it going? How is your campaign going?

[Herbert]

Yeah, well, really good. So far. We haven't had much exposure, so that's why I'm sort of ringing in today to really sort of get the ball rolling.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when the.

[Herbert]

We've already got over 100 people on board. I was on Giovanni's podcast the other day to give it a bit of a plug as well. So, you know, just putting it out there. I, you know, like I've said to you before, you know, you're an awesome comic that I think could do really well here because of the honest way you talk about things. And. Yeah, I just hope that we can sort of spread the word a bit and help build the pirate ship.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Herbert. You keep it going and we will try to get out there. I mean, obviously, if you guys were a little smarter and closer to us, then it would be easier. But listen, I've said it once, said again, everyone says you need to go to Australia at least once and. And why not go there and do a couple of. Couple of shows and get paid for it. Yes.

[Mike August]

I will say the Australian comedy scene is thriving. I have friends who've gone down there, like, perform and stuff, especially musical comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

They get.

[Mike August]

It's big. They have, like, whole, like, charts and stations for it.

[Allison Rosen]

And I love koalas.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, maybe we'll bring the podcast out there, Herbert.

[Herbert]

Yeah, we'll make it happen. There's. There's some. Also some other stuff going on with some big V8 supercar, car racing stuff that is going to be coming from.

[Mike August]

Australia to the US he's done his homework.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a lot of racing over there.

[Herbert]

I've done a lot of homework. I've spoke to promoters and all that sort of stuff. So, you know, there's lots of opportunities and I obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you got to get those guys. You got to get those guys to buy me a plane ticket in, like, a motel room. And then I'll go out there and, you know, wave the. Wave the checkered flag or the green flag or whatever the hell it is, and then, you know, do a couple of jokes and come home. See what I'm saying?

[Herbert]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, we've just been done out of this plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, listen, let's. Let's face it, Jet A fueling cheap. You guys good calling us fat. Thanks, Herbert.

[Herbert]

No worries. Take it easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Appreciate it, buddy. All right. 1997, the renamed, by the way, the Orange, New Jersey rename named Whitney Houston. That's a tough.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder what that was before it was like, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right in the middle of Ike Turner Courtney love. Yeah, yeah, 97.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like they get a pass.

[Adam Carolla]

They get a pass. They get a pass. And look, here's the thing. It's this weird thing. I always have you wrestle with this. You say, well, on one hand, you take a look at people who've done things in their lives, life, where you go, my God, that guy or that girl? That girl. That dude. Wow. How hard they worked and what they overcame and, oh, what they've been able to do and all that kind of stuff. And then there are other people just touched by God. Like you go, wow, the pipes, the looks, everything, like, touched by God. So then you think, well, who should you appreciate more? And your first impulse is, is, well, I'm going to appreciate Stephen Jobs more. Because that guy did his own, you know, he did his own thing. He made it happen. Whitney Houston had a gift. But on the other hand, maybe we should worship at the altar who were touched by other people that were touched by God in a weird way, because that is more unique than pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. You know what I mean? Like, Steven Jobs is obviously a genius, but. And you could argue he was touched by God, too, but not at 18.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why I have no heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? So do we work? Ultimately, she's a human being. She has her foibles like everyone else. Touched by God. And the good news is what she left behind will forever be left behind. It's not like we're not going to be able to hear her voice. It will be here and 48, while not old Earth's calendar wise, not too bad.

[Allison Rosen]

So earlier this week, we were talking about Gene McDaniels. That's a tragedy in the Grammy Memorial.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a tragedy. That is a tragedy.

[Natasha Leggero]

What happened to him?

[Allison Rosen]

He died.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how you get featured. Otherwise, you really have to know someone.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you do. It's like being on a postage stamp. Well, Rich Banks was inspired and sent us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

£100. Sounds of clay, but with a Mike August theme. I have not heard this yet. Only heard of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Gene McDaniels. I love this guy. He was a black performer from the 60s who sung songs that were really well arranged but kind of funny. And that's why. That's why I like them. And you can play 100 pounds of clay just to get people. Get people.

[Natasha Leggero]

This was the best part of the Grammys when they played all the people who died.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he said, hey, listen, I'm gonna fix this a world today. And by the way, he's talking about the big potter in the sky.

[Natasha Leggero]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? Turn it up. I like that. This part. Lots of loving for a man. All right. You get it? And My favorite Jean McDaniel song is Tower Strength, but we'll hear that later. Good.

[Allison Rosen]

So we have the Rich Banks song.

[Adam Carolla]

Give us a little tower.

[Allison Rosen]

But we'll hear something else first.

[Adam Carolla]

A little tower Strength. Why not? Featuring a trombone, the drunkest of all the instruments. It really is the drunken instrument. Like, you see, like, hey, trombone, get the fuck out of my face. You want some of this, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't wake up the best soon, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, trombone, have fun fingering yourself. I'll fucking slide right up your ass. I don't need you, I don't love you anymore. And I'd walk out the door. Oh, I wish my high school was named after this guy at the super creative North Hollywood High who came up with that one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, every high school around where I grew up, it's just named after.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's a good song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

I've never heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny because he's basically explaining if I was this kind of dude, but I'm a puss.

[Natasha Leggero]

Is that now? Oh, so this is the same guy that was singing.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, okay. I don't know him. Is he white?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it just sounds white. That's why I like. I get the street cred, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Without the bag.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone of the flag was really impressed with your opening.

[Natasha Leggero]

I like his passion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there he goes. Crank it up.

[Natasha Leggero]

I like the religious undertones of it all. This is what they should play in church.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Natasha Leggero]

Imagine if church was just like this. And you stand.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be there, Brian. And back, yelling, no, sir, you need her. You love her. And I'd walk out.

[Allison Rosen]

Be a doubting Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's hear Rich Banks and his Tribute for The great gene McDaniel Daniels.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember, has a Mike August theme.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He took a hundred dollar bill and made it last forever.

[Giovanni]

He's too cheap to shop at Goodwill.

[Adam Carolla]

Paid a check.

[Giovanni]

No, he's never. If he ever took his wallet out.

[Adam Carolla]

You couldn't pry it out of his hand. Spending money. Mike August would rather get his nutsack caught in a fan. He. Here's how cheap Mike August is. When we came home from doing some shows in Denver, we stayed in a. A condo, like, hotel condo facility that was sort of near the comedy. Wherever we're at, where it's like. It's a condo that somebody owns, but you stay there. There's Mike August parked in the pregnancy handicapped thing when we were, I think, try to figure out where we were. Yeah, I know where we were. Milwaukee or somewhere. Anyway, proudly opens his duffel bag that he travels with to display these six rolls of toilet paper he ripped off from the condo owner.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Kev's like, you're. What's that for? It's right there. Right there in the closet. Fuck it. Huge. I was like, stolen toilet paper from the fucking condo. How old are you? And he's like, what do you mean, man? Could be wiping my ass with this shit for the next six months.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he rip the plies apart?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You took six rolls of something that we have in abundance. It's not like we're going to India for the weekend or something. You' do you got toilet paper at home? It's cheap now. Stole the toilet paper.

[Natasha Leggero]

You know, you can order toilet paper online now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Natasha Leggero]

On Amazon?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and you click through AdamCorola.com and we can wet. We can wipe our beaks with it. Thank you for that plug. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Next time you go to Amazon, no more stinky beaks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, instead of just going to Amazon, go to amcroll.com. buy your toilet paper that way. Click on our banner. All right. What the hell? Some more news. Someone wants to go back. We got questions. School. Keep working at a bank. Let's power through a couple of calls here. I feel bad for these people. Christian.

[Herbert]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

What's happening?

[Herbert]

Nah, doing good, man. Just kind of in a crossroads of life. So definitely, we're trying to see what the ace man could deal up for me.

[Adam Carolla]

You're calling from New York?

[Herbert]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Natasha Leggero is coming out there later on and she's single.

[Allison Rosen]

What an evil laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

He should meet her at the airport with some toilet paper.

[Natasha Leggero]

But you might have to go back to school.

[Adam Carolla]

I see oh, you want to know if you should go back to school or keep working at a bank?

[Herbert]

Yeah. What it is, is, you know, I've been doing sales since I was 17, been, you know, taking care of myself, make decent money. I travel a lot, but it's like I know I could be doing more, and it makes me want to go back to school because I know I could be doing a lot more things with life than just, you know, making 50, 60 a year. And I could do much more than that if I go back to school.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, what do you want to study in school?

[Herbert]

I was studying finance before I left school.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's say go back. What do you make in a year? I'm asking for Natasha. Just let me know.

[Herbert]

She's a star.

[Adam Carolla]

Trust me, I don't make enough for her. All right, look, here's the thing with all this stuff. There's no right and there's no wrong. There's. If I think, you know, if you think. If one thinks like you go, you know what? I think I should do this, then do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Because that's about 27 is too young just to settle for security reasons.

[Natasha Leggero]

You can always go back to the bank. You have to follow your energy and your creativity and your passions and your interests. And if there's something that you. That you even have the smallest inkling that you might want to follow, you should do that, especially now.

[Adam Carolla]

And all you have in life is that sort of inner compass which is going to point you one direction or the next, and you have to learn to rely on it. Like, if your instincts are, I should get out of this relationship, or I should get into this relationship, or I should get out of this bank and into school, or out of school into the bank, whatever that instinct is, that's what you travel through life with. And no matter who you're with and no matter what your family is or what your support system is or whatever's going on in your life, ultimately, that little inner divining rod, that little compass that's inside of all our guns, guts, that's all we have. And if that thing's screwed up and spinning around and you don't trust it, you're going to have a long and shitty life. Ultimately, you have to be able to say, you know what? I'm doing this because I feel strongly about doing this, and even if it doesn't make sense to you or some of the people around, I'm going to do it because I want to do it, and I trust that. And if Even that means killing prostitutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Even if that means leaving the bank to follow your passion to study banking in school.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Natasha Leggero]

Because then you'll make more money.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. All right, let's hurry up and get through some of these calls. Sam, you just hung up on them. Yes. 24 for my house. Roll calls. PPMS, baby.

[Mike August]

Shorter, faster.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Sam.

[Herbert]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Question now.

[Herbert]

If you had to be a minority.

[Adam Carolla]

Which minority would you be? Well, obviously I wouldn't want to be one, but if I had to be one, I would go with American Indian.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because I feel like black's a little been there, done that. Asian. You don't really even get any minority points. You know what I mean? Like, oh, so great. You're smarter than I am and you work harder and you have less body fat. Cry me a river. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't forget their free pass on the body hair, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. They don't have to flow beat their backs. Tell you that right now. But American Indian. American Indian has enough history and enough good shit in the past. Like, you know, in a certain sort of play some. I need to hear some Tom Toms, like there's enough sort of thing. No, but here's what I'm saying. We're just talking about the inner compass. When a white guy. I've seen enough movies.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. To know history.

[Adam Carolla]

When the American Indian guy just walks off, you know, walks 20ft ahead of the group, picks up a little sand, lets the wind take it out of his hand, then turns around and goes. They go this way. No one goes, oh, how do you know? Everyone goes, oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. No, he knows.

[Allison Rosen]

So you want to be an American Indian for the mystical quality.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you get the mystical part. Like if an American Indian guy says, I got a feeling about this. Don't get on that train. Like, you'd go, like, I'm not gonna do it. A white guy did that. Get the fuck out of the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Fat ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting on the plane. So the American Indian guy, first off, he's got a little. That going first, you know, number one. Number two, they've been screwed over just enough. You know where they still got some of that work. And you want a little. You know, you want a little reparations and head.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been done wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't. I'm saying black guy or Mexican guy can only complain so long because you were just about. You were hunted like the buffalo to extinction yourself. So you Got that going for you. And you got enough sort of fucked up in the present that if you're. If you're good, you stand out. So you don't really have that with Japanese. You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. Say anything I said would be good. Like, if we're at the airport and you said, like, I want to go, you say, where do you want to eat?

[Allison Rosen]

You want me to say? Yeah, where do you want to eat?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you. You tell me where you want to.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I would like to go to Subway.

[Adam Carolla]

Way we go to Cinnabon.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

See, now let's try it again as a white guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. I kind of feel like I. I want to go to Subway.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I think I'd like to go.

[Allison Rosen]

To Cinnabon, but I want to go to Subway.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm kind of in the mood for the. The dessert, so.

[Natasha Leggero]

You want it so you can manipulate women.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But specifically to going into manipulating women to go to Cinnabon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you hear. You hear the Tom Toms in the background. You don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't question it. No, no. Because I'm sure there's some sort of bad voodoo in some way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. And there's gaming. There's a lot of stuff. Casinos. Yeah.

[Mike August]

If the casinos alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Peyote.

[Adam Carolla]

Sam. I go American Indian. And by the way, whatever tribe you kick out, you can throw whatever you want out. Oh. You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Yeah. No one's gonna fact check you're a koi.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so. Yeah. You're not gonna get that.

[Mike August]

You get drunker faster. Too cheap.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Spend less on firewater. Yeah. Some sort of enzyme or something I think you have. Where you actually get. You actually do get a quicker buzz, like when you drink in Denver. That sort of thing. You know, like when Mike's stealing toilet paper and you're getting. You're drinking to cope with it, trying to drown out the pain.

[Allison Rosen]

I only had half. Eczema.

[Adam Carolla]

Klepta. Toilet going on. Yeah. All right, let's see. Started college. Can't get Atlanta. Travis.

[Herbert]

Hey, Adam. How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to weave you into a live read. You want to help me?

[Herbert]

Yeah, I'd love to.

[Adam Carolla]

You're 19, right?

[Herbert]

Right on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't have a ton of money.

[Herbert]

No, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

No. That's why you can't afford to have someone fix your ride. You got to.

[Giovanni]

I take it you're a virgin.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to autoshepherd.com. you fix your own Car? What kind of car do you have, trash?

[Herbert]

Travis, it is 99 Buick Park Avenue.

[Adam Carolla]

I take it you're a virgin. Yeah. And I'll tell you, there's things that go wrong on those 99 Buicks. You got your alternators, you got your brake pads, you got your rotors. You can get it all from autoshepard.com and you can replace the shocks. I don't know if that thing has shocks in the rear and struts in the front. 99. I'm gonna go with struts in the front, shocks in the rear. Rear. Anyway, it sounds weird, doesn't it?

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like a good date.

[Adam Carolla]

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Great casino. They got a little deal going on over at Auto Shepherd. They got 15% off the Monroe shocks and the Struts at autoship.com plus free shipping for items over 50 bucks. You work on your own car, Travis?

[Herbert]

No. No, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it. What's wrong with everyone I know?

[Herbert]

Well, that's why I need Auto Shepherd.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you need Auto Shepherd. No better time to start. You go online, go to autoshepard.com they'll walk you right through how to change the struts and or shocks on that 99 Buick of yours. And Otto shepherd, by the way, is actually my grandmother.

[Herbert]

Since she passed away. That's how I got the car.

[Adam Carolla]

But believe you me, when someone sees a 19 year old driving a Buick and. Or an oldsmobile from the 90s, we know there's an old person that's died. We've done the math. Not like, not like a 19 year old one. Hey, what would be a nice car for me to purchase with my own money? No. Somebody died. No. No doubt. By the way, if you're having a little trouble spelling Auto shepherd, you just go to AdamCarolla.com and you hit the banner. Do yourself a favor, get started and don't get stabbed at the auto parts store. Go to online to autoshepard.com all right. So you're going to college. Where are you going to college?

[Herbert]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And you want to.

[Herbert]

No, it's not a. My question is not necessarily how to get laid. Like I get. Like getting laid isn't an issue. Like I need. I kind of need a relationship. Like I'm in. I remember you talking about on Loveline, like the time in your life where you basically, you know, you were getting rejected by girls that were lower than your number and you've been walking around with that Stink of rejection on you.

[Adam Carolla]

They smell it on you where I'm at. They smell it like a coyote smells for you.

[Herbert]

I know, man, that that's exactly where I am at right now in my life. So, like, I'm a pre med biology major and everything, so that, that shit's lined up. But it's like I just cannot for the life of me seem to win any kind of women over, that kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Natasha's single. You smell the. Here's. Here's what I'm putting on hold. All right, here's what happens.

[Natasha Leggero]

I want to know what you're not like. You got a number that you can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Women work on the pheromones. They don't. They're not so much the eyeballs. Number two for the shoes. Dudes, we're pretty mechanical, you know, we just take a look at a chick, we're either attracted to her or not. But chicks, there's a lot of dudes who get laid a lot. And it's got nothing to do with what they look like or even their station in life. They just have a momentum. And once they get that momentum, it builds on itself because the more victories you have sexually in the bedroom, the more you're going to have. Consequently, you could be good looking and funny and nice and educated and everything. If you're on a fucking, no pussy stink roll, you're fucked. You're not getting anything. And women smell that stink of failure on you and they hate it and they react to it and it's visceral. And I don't know how it's hard to undo that because he needs to stop caring.

[Allison Rosen]

First of all, he needs to stop caring so much what women think of him. Because when you see that in a guy's eyes that he needs your approval to feel, okay, you run for the hills.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do a reenactment. You tell me you want to go to the subway. Go ahead. We're at the airport.

[Allison Rosen]

I really want to go to subway.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. Start sucking. I got a foot wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never been more turned on in my life. You know what? I'll get a later flight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it'll turn around the confidence.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah, it's going to turn around for him.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't yell at someone, get confused, confident.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you can't.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't even say act confident. It's just something you have to kind of ooze and it's tough.

[Natasha Leggero]

Aren't you supposed to like get a prostitute or something when you're in that place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but see, that doesn't turn the mojo around because you paid for the sex.

[Allison Rosen]

See, if it was a girl, I'd say go to the gym or do something for yourself for a guy. Would you say that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, stop trying to date so much and just focus on other stuff in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

For guys, it's really about working on that resume. Like whether doing push ups or getting that degree or going from this tax bracket to that tax bracket or maybe moving from the 99 Buick that the grandma gave you to maybe an 03 Buick. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Step it up a tiny bit. Yeah, maybe another one of his relatives is going to drop off.

[Natasha Leggero]

I think getting interested too in the things that you are passionate about, that that attracts women. Like if you're really into anything, people will get attracted.

[Allison Rosen]

He's pre med, right? I mean he's got. If you were to put on top.

[Natasha Leggero]

Of this, you're gonna get so much pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, he's, he's, he's on, he's.

[Natasha Leggero]

Like 10 years away.

[Adam Carolla]

He's on the delayed pussy plan. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

DPP.

[Adam Carolla]

Every single agent in Hollywood is on that same plan. They're all, that's why they're all crazy, narcissistic pussy hounds. They are, they're pussy. They're in get laid layaway.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Get laid away. And then they over in the mail. They over compensate later on with their stupid shoes and their frames and all that kind of stuff. But all these agents and all the guys you see in Hollywood and all the suits never got anything in high school. And then they overcompensate later in life. And it works. It works. But they're obnoxious and other guys hate them, by the way. All right, where the hell were we? Natasha Leggero's here. Oh, we're running out of time. Natasha's got to go. Yeah, she's got a flight to make. I got to talk about go to meeting. You know, Natasha, help me out with this and then we'll let you go. You're, you're hitting the road. Yes.

[Natasha Leggero]

No, I'm actually just going to see a play. But you're, but I have a flight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, you have a flight to make, right?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to an airport.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yes, I'm going to lax.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called see you at the Cineba. And all right, you're going a little out of the way, cheating on me. And let's say you're there. You got your iPhone, maybe got your iPad. I don't know what you travel with.

[Natasha Leggero]

IPhone, iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And you'd like to get to your computer. Let's say you got a home computer. Let's just say you run into someone you know, you got a bunch of pictures of your dog or your ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Go with it. It'll make it faster.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? Okay.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you really like? You like your dog?

[Natasha Leggero]

Both of them? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Two to dogs. Got a lot of pictures of them.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

They're on that home computer.

[Natasha Leggero]

I have it on my iPhone. Oh, yeah. No, I have it on my computer. I forgot.

[Adam Carolla]

But not on your iPhone.

[Allison Rosen]

Just on her home computer. I'll answer for her. It's just on her home computer. She's at the airport. She misses them. She wants to show someone. Blanche, I have my mayor computer.

[Natasha Leggero]

Oh, how do you know my dogs?

[Adam Carolla]

If you had go to meeting. Oh, that would have been crazy.

[Natasha Leggero]

I travel with my home computer.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

On her iPhone.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, you chicken leaf? Go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. They got the. You better change the subject. Oh, yeah, you'd have group meetings. You could meet with your dogs face to face and have them all up on one screen. It's unbelievable technology.

[Natasha Leggero]

What's this called?

[Adam Carolla]

It is called go to meeting is all you really know. Yes. Thank you. Go to meeting with HD faces. Good for business. You wouldn't have to go see the play. You could watch to play. You'd watch everyone to play. Could get up on the. On your.

[Natasha Leggero]

Okay, I can record it and see it instead from my house.

[Herbert]

So that was that.

[Allison Rosen]

Basically, you know how when you're talking to someone on the phone, you don't know if they're rolling their eyes or making the he's crazy motion. But if you could see them on your computer while you talk to them.

[Adam Carolla]

You get so much more information.

[Allison Rosen]

Business would be done so much quicker and better.

[Adam Carolla]

I've heard people doing the blowjob. Miming the blowjob move. When I'm talking about myself.

[Natasha Leggero]

Anything that makes me not have to drive 45 minutes to West Lancomeet. There go you.

[Adam Carolla]

You go.

[Natasha Leggero]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Try it out for free.

[Natasha Leggero]

That's driving somewhere and being. Showing up in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't need it. Save gas, save fossil fuel, Save the environment. That's right. Free 30 days only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com click on the tried free button and enter the promo code Adam. Ah, Natasha. Where did the time go? By the way? Last name Leggero means light in Italian. How long's it been? Well, who had the over under on that one, huh? Huh? I got some lambos with that I.

[Allison Rosen]

Got on this pick up the coast.

[Adam Carolla]

Of Frisco in one of them. Now that you're single, Natasha Leggero TV show. Are you there? Chelsea, Wednesday nights, 8:30, NBC. Also the website, Natasha Leggero. You doing some shows?

[Natasha Leggero]

Yeah, I'll be. I'll be at Largo In Los Angeles, March 5th. It's my show and. Oh, will you come do it?

[Adam Carolla]

You can? Sure.

[Natasha Leggero]

All right. Maybe Adam will be there too.

[Adam Carolla]

You can, you can Twitter her at Natasha leggero as well. Two GS, just for your information. So until next time, Zadon Crawford for Baldron, Natasha Leggero and Allison Rose and saying mahalo. Hey, Pollock. Over here, meathead.

[Giovanni]

All right, ADAM Crow Show 759. That does it for today's Crow classics. Until next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Next time, Mahal.

[Giovanni]

And get it on.