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- [00:00]
Adam Carolla
Searching for a romantic summer getaway escape.
- [00:03]
Bald Brian
With Rich Girl Summer, the new Audible original from Lily Chiu, the exquisitely talented Philippa Hsu.
- [00:09]
Allison Rosen
Returning to narrate her fifth Lily Chu title.
- [00:12]
Bald Brian
This time Philippa is joined by her.
- [00:14]
Allison Rosen
Real life husband, Steven pasquale. Set in Toronto's wealthy cottage country, a.k.a.
- [00:18]
Adam Carolla
The Hamptons of Canada, Rich Girl Summer.
- [00:21]
Bald Brian
Follows the story of Valerie, a down.
- [00:22]
Allison Rosen
On her luck event planner posing as.
- [00:24]
Bald Brian
A socialite's long lost daughter while piecing together the secrets surrounding a mysterious family.
- [00:29]
Allison Rosen
And falling deeper and deeper in love.
- [00:31]
Bald Brian
With the impossibly hard to read and infuriatingly handsome family assistant, Nico. Caught between pretending to belong and unexpectedly finding where she truly fits in, Valerie.
- [00:42]
Adam Carolla
Learns her summer is about to get.
- [00:43]
Bald Brian
Far more complicated than she ever planned. She's in over her head and head over heels.
- [00:48]
Allison Rosen
Listen to Rich Girl Summer now on audible.
- [00:51]
Bald Brian
Go to audible.com richgirlsomer Foreign.
- [01:09]
Giovanni
Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We put the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics. It's a premium only exclusive feed through Podcast One. Check out Podcast one Premium if you like ad free archives to Corolla Classics dating all the way back to when Chris and I hosted the show. And if you'd like to find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show or exclusive access to Adam's brand new podcast Beat it out, check out Adam Corolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip Please email us classicsamcorla.com Please note we cannot play anything from the Adam Corolla radio show from 2006 to 2009, the show that immediately preceded the podcast formation, all 715 episodes. I do have access to those official files and I am remastering them. They just cannot be aired here. Also, Loveline requests none of that can be aired here unless it was something that was discussed on the Adam Carolla show, they played it and then they did commentary over transforming that into a different work. If you have a clip that you want played of that, no problem. If you just want old Loveline again cannot be played on this show. Check out patreon.com Giovanni if you have more questions about those shows. All right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Krolo show 575Amber and Angela Koch along With Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011. Check it out.
- [02:25]
Bald Brian
Good day. Ball. Brian, this isn't a game.
- [02:28]
Shay Carl
This is my life.
- [02:29]
Bald Brian
And good day, Allison Rosen.
- [02:32]
Allison Rosen
Hello, Adam Carolla.
- [02:33]
Bald Brian
Oh, man. I did myself one of those radio tours that started promptly at 4 this morning.
- [02:41]
Kassim G
This is for the new book. I mean the new version of the.
- [02:43]
Bald Brian
Book, the paperback book, out as we speak, bonus chapter and all that. And started at 5am Went right on through to 8 o'. Clock. Three hours of just yammering on the radio and felt like nothing to me. That's the sad part. I never know, I never count, I never care. I just talk and talk and talk. But I do, I do refuse to mail it in because I have this insecurity ego, which is, whoever it is and wherever it is, I can't have them hang up the phone and go, eh, right. You know, and have someone go, hey, how was Adam Carolla this morning?
- [03:22]
Kassim G
Footnote to that, though, we should stop using mail it in as the way to do something easier.
- [03:26]
Bald Brian
That's right, email it in.
- [03:27]
Kassim G
Now email or actually now mailing is the hardest way to do something. You gotta find an envelope, you gotta find a stamp, you gotta look up the address. You know what I mean?
- [03:36]
Allison Rosen
He's not gonna text message it in.
- [03:38]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [03:38]
Kassim G
For Adam, perhaps.
- [03:40]
Bald Brian
All right, let's say dry anal, rape it in.
- [03:42]
Kassim G
There you go. Easy, tired.
- [03:44]
Bald Brian
I'm not one of these guys that's gonna dry anal rape it in. That's a little bumpy. Maybe we'll work it out an acronym or something for that. Also, like a lube.
- [03:52]
Allison Rosen
Danal Rape would just be smoother.
- [03:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Oh, that's the point. I did a. I did the CNN Entertainment Tonight. Entertainment this week. Entertainment. What is that? CNN? A.J. hammer. I don't know what the hell that show is.
- [04:05]
Allison Rosen
Oh yeah? Yes. What is that?
- [04:07]
Bald Brian
Entertainment Entertainment Tonight. I think whatever it is. I did one of those shows where you sit in a room and you stare at a thing and they have a monitor that's underneath you and then the camera is above it and they go, don't stare at the monitor. Because if you stare at the monitor it looks like you're looking down the whole time. And I'm like, well, don't put it on then. You don't want me to look at it. You know what fucking drives me nuts about CNN and about television in general, but especially cnn. They are so goddamn insecure. It sort of reminds you, remember once in a While there'd be an 80s video, there'd be some. Alright, take a Band like the Divinals.
- [04:46]
Allison Rosen
I will.
- [04:47]
Bald Brian
She touches herself, right? And so picture this. It's like you have a band, and it's like a lead chick and four dudes. And the lead chick is not bad, but she's a little long in the tooth, and she has a little bit of an ass on her, and the song becomes a hit, right? So now they have to shoot a video, and they shoot at that video very differently than they shoot the. Very differently than they shoot the Beyonce video. The Beyonce video is like, let's look at that chick's inner thigh. And let's look at that chick's face. Face. This is one. They got to keep it moving. Keep it moving. Why? Well, we got a chick who's 37 and a half, got a couple of crow's feet, got a little bit of an ass on her.
- [05:28]
Kassim G
You don't want to focus too much on the singer.
- [05:30]
Bald Brian
If you stay on her too long, everyone will go, but if you keep it moving, no one's gonna know that she's not that.
- [05:38]
Allison Rosen
It's just.
- [05:40]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it's just a blurb. Like, so whenever you see those videos where it seems like they have something to hide, like, why would you. You know, they'll do those videos once in a while. Some singer will come along, or there'll be some Chris Isaac song or something with Helena Christensen or something. The chicks is piping hot. They'll just. They stay on her for, like, 10 Mississippi at a time. Then they go back to him and his guitar, and it's right back on her for long. Ten counts, you know, in the bright sunlight. But when they have the chick who's not so hot, they keep it moving. CNN programs their network. Like, they have a bunch of fat chicks who are doing the broadcasting, and thus keep it moving. Well, Candy Crowley, yes, but A.J.
- [06:23]
Allison Rosen
Hammer. Hello.
- [06:25]
Bald Brian
Hello. Point is this. They'll do this thing. We're going. We're doing Entertainment Tonight, And I go, all right. And they go, what are we doing? Well, we're doing Schwarzenegger, and then we're doing this reality show, and then we're doing the Bachelor and then the Bachelorette, and then. Whatever. And then. And you go, yeah, okay. And you sit there, and then they run the tape, and then they set the thing up, and then they throw it to the tape, and then they. Then they backsell the last thing, and then they front sell the other thing, and they go, now you, Adam Caroll, and you go, hey, man, I think that those guys from the Bachelor. Okay, all right, hold on. Hold that thought. We gotta take a break. When we come back. And then they take a break and then they come back and then they reload and then they back sell. Then they show another video and they go, hey, we wanna thank our guest, Adam Kroll for coming out. And you're like, what the fuck was I? Why did I show up?
- [07:09]
Allison Rosen
I didn't say any, but you looked good unless you were moving around a lot.
- [07:14]
Bald Brian
That's what I wanted. A little Vaseline on the lens and keep moving. I'm just saying we didn't do anything. We didn't talk about anything. I gave no opinions on any of these things. Hey, comedian. Adam Corolles. This guy's livewire. Look out, people, he's gonna weigh in on us. All right, Adam, what do you think about these kids over there from the Jersey Shore invading Italy? That's good stuff. All right, now, coming up next, it's like, right there's nothing.
- [07:37]
Allison Rosen
And it's like, do they make you do talking points sometimes? If they do, then they'll end up sort of making your points for you and then go to you for one word.
- [07:46]
Bald Brian
I fortunately or unfortunately, I had a lovely day where I got up at 4:45 or 5 or 4:50, whatever. I did my 35 radio stations until 8:00am Then I had to be on the set. And when I say on the set, I mean at George Barris Custom Cars driving the Batmobile around the Batmobile. Driving the Batmobile around North Hollywood until 1 o'. Clock. And then it's like one of these things where it's like, I had this idea and I thought it'd be funny for this car show we're doing. They're like, they wanted me to do all this lame, stupid crime fighting bullshit. And I said, you know, be funny, be funny. Because this place where the Batmobile is kept. Wrong. Batmobile. The Batmobile. The Lincoln Batmobile, Yeah, where the Batmobile is kept. George Barris Custom Automobiles is in North Hollywood and it's literally a mile and a half away from where I went to high school, the Taco Bell. I got rejected from my mom's house, my dad's house, my grandparents house, blah, blah, blah. And I said, you know, it'd be funny. It'd be funny is if I got into the Batmobile and drove that Batmobile and drove through the Taco Bell that wouldn't accept me as an employee in 1979. And like, hey, Adam Croll is back and he's in the Batmobile. Bitch. How do you like me now? So of course they thought this was okay, right? They liked their idea about knocking on doors and saying, sir, did you pull a mattress tag off a mattress? You know, cook, Cook stuff that never. That always falls flat. But anyway, so at a certain point, I was gonna go pull out in front of my house, my old house in North Hollywood. And it was like one of these things where I didn't want to. I didn't want to, you know, it was like one of those, all right, I'm just gonna pull. And I started weighing the things out. Like, is my mom gonna be home? If she is gonna be home, is she gonna be standing by the front window or she gonna be in the kitchen? She's Mrs. Personality. She's regular Ruth Buzzy, that one. So I thought, you know what? It's just gonna be hit and run. I'm literally gonna pull in front of the house. It's run and gun. They're just gonna shoot it. I'm gonna pull in front. I'm Gonna go, yeah. 900 square feet in one bathroom, living out in a service porch. Look at me now, house. I'm gonna take off. You know, of course, as we're pulling up, my stepdad is pulling out of the driveway. It's. It's one of these things. It's. It's, you know, It's Tuesday, it's 11:45 in the morning. You know, it's not lunchtime, it's not morning time. If you're going somewhere, you should have went already. If you went somewhere, you should have been back at 5 o'. Clock. How should I know?
- [10:26]
Allison Rosen
Literally, smoothie making.
- [10:28]
Bald Brian
It's like, I do one all the time. Is smoothie making time. I have this fucking mojo where I'm like, look, a very good example of this is. I remember one time when I was living in an apartment, my very last apartment before. Before I moved into my first house. And we had those apartment managers that were sort of like the Ropers, and they were sort of the. Not horny but nosy and friendly. Just nosy. And, oh, I noticed you parked your car in the wrong space. Yeah, we're moving. You know, it'd be like one of these people. Like, if you parked your car in someone else's space for a second just to run upstairs, they'd be standing by your car going, what's going on? And you're going like, it's noon, it's Wednesday. What the fuck? How do you know? How do you know all the time? What do you do? Do you just hide in Ivy With a fucking opera glass, waiting for shit to happen. Like, what happened to the part where you're at work all day and you don't the fuck happened? Like, where. What goes on? So I have this fucking horrible mojo. And like, one time I was at my apartment, and I was like, they had these, like, big bi. Folding wooden doors that were kind of in the way, and I just wanted to get them out of there, and I didn't want to go talk to them. And they didn't know I was a carpenter. And it was like, it was be easy for me to pull out a couple screws, pop them out, pop them downstairs in my storage thing, go back upstairs, and I'd put them back in before I moved out kind of thing. I just didn't want to deal with them. What are you doing? What do you want to clean the blast?
- [12:00]
Allison Rosen
Right?
- [12:00]
Bald Brian
I just remember thinking, all right, I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait till, like, Wednesday, Thursday, middle of the day, middle of the week, where there's no. It's going to take all of five seconds. I'm literally on the first floor. I come out with these bi. Folding doors. You know, of course the elevator goes down. It goes down into the parking structure. Elevator opens. They're standing there, you know, and it's like, what's going on? Where are those. Are those the doors from here? And it's like, of course they're standing there. Where else would they be? God fucking forbid they'd be taking a nap or fucking or be at work or somewhere. Are they just camping waiting for you? So I'm doing this thing where I haven't. I haven't seen my mom in a long time. I haven't really talked to her much. Her back's been kind of fucked up. It's been a weird little tension. Like, I haven't visited her. It's always a little loud. I want to explain to her what's going on. So I do this thing where I rationalize. We'll just pull up in front of the house, we'll shoot. Literally pulling up in the Batmobile. And it's like, I have to move it because my stepdad is backing out. He's literally backing out of as we're pulling. Like, I would have hit him if I didn't stop. Like, if we had showed up 45 seconds later, he would have been long gone. If we showed up 10 minutes earlier, he would have never known the better. Nope, it was like 1208, and he's backing out that driveway. What the fuck, you know, compounding the.
- [13:14]
Kassim G
Issue is that your mom is a well known huge bat, huge collector enthusiast inside.
- [13:20]
Bald Brian
When she's not making a smoothie, she's doing the Batusi bat smoothie. Now here's the thing. Go ahead and. Go ahead and weigh that against the.289 times I've flown first class in New York and never sat next to a supermodel or a model or Barbizon model or anything over five and a half hand model.
- [13:39]
Kassim G
Be nice.
- [13:39]
Bald Brian
Or even if it's someone who want.
- [13:41]
Allison Rosen
To sweep stakes from drawing a parrot or pirate upside down.
- [13:44]
Bald Brian
Yes, yes.
- [13:45]
Allison Rosen
Those ads were next to that.
- [13:46]
Bald Brian
Nothing. Zero.
- [13:47]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, be a model or just look like one.
- [13:50]
Bald Brian
I like just look like one.
- [13:54]
Allison Rosen
Your mojo just works negatively involving your family, evidently.
- [13:57]
Bald Brian
They're always fucking. Everyone's always running in. Oh, my God. So anyway, spent the day running around in the Batmobile, then flew off to cnn, then sat there and listened to AJ Hammer set up back cell, front cell, reload and throw to more clips. And then I went. And then they threw to another clip.
- [14:16]
Allison Rosen
Is that where you burped?
- [14:17]
Bald Brian
I just make sounds you get in a syllable and a half. Plus, they fucking freak you out too, because they're always on the move. Like there's music pumping and stuff. So if you ever go, you have to say stuff like, you can't just go, aj, here's my opinion on that. You gotta. You gotta go real quick, real quick, real quick. It's like, why? Why not just let the fucking talk for a second?
- [14:37]
Allison Rosen
It's not about that, Adam.
- [14:39]
Bald Brian
You don't have a time to set up a thought, a notion, an idea. You get one joke and they're moving on.
- [14:44]
Allison Rosen
It's like the opposite of radio, where really the point is to. To talk.
- [14:48]
Bald Brian
Oh, God, it's such an apology. It's like, we have super unfunny people. Here's our apology. We're gonna pump up the jam, and we'll give them 18 seconds at a time to talk. That's it. I know. So the topics were emailed to me at like 10:30, but I was long gone by then, so I didn't get the topics. But the beauty of me. And it is nice, and it is nice that people understand this now too. Where they go, did you get the topics? And I go, no. And they go, do you want the topics? And I go, no. And they go, all right, which.
- [15:26]
Allison Rosen
That is nice.
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Bald Brian
It's a nice compliment. Yeah, it's partially, you know, what you're doing and partially you're only getting 3.2 seconds anyway, so how bad can you fuck it up? Unless you just yell the N word repeatedly. Even then.
- [15:37]
Kassim G
Even then.
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Bald Brian
Even if you don't notice.
- [15:41]
Allison Rosen
So, wait, what happened, though, with the whole Batmobile run in? Did you have to have an awkward.
- [15:45]
Bald Brian
Exchange with my stepdad?
- [15:47]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [15:50]
Bald Brian
My stepdad, thankfully, is not a big talker. So he was heading out, and even though I pulled up in the Batmobile, he didn't say much about it. But then there was this weird thing of his mom inside because now I have to do this thing where I could have probably just shot it, but now I have to go. He's gonna go back in and say, hey, guess who's. You know. So now I gotta head in.
- [16:12]
Allison Rosen
So he's outside in his new car.
- [16:14]
Bald Brian
I headed in, and, yeah, T Tops, I headed in and I said, mom, don't have a lot of time. Outside in the Batmobile, doing a bit for a car show, not saying anything bad about you or the family moving on. And she's like, yeah, all right. And, you know, my parents, in their, you know, keeping their streak alive of, you know, being sort of tepid in terms of their interest. No big deal. I mean, there's no. The good thing about my family, for good or for bad, is I can say to them, I spent the day driving around the Batmobile. My dad wouldn't go for what or how come or what was it? What was it like? Or who was dressed as Robin.
- [16:51]
Kassim G
I heard Jon Bon Jovi drives the Batmobile.
- [16:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah, my grandmother would bring that up. You know, Jon Bon Jovi drove the green Hornets car once. Jesus Christ. Well, she's gone. No more trouble from her. Bon Jovi gave a million dollars to Katrina. Jesus Christ.
- [17:10]
Kassim G
Back to the popping and the keeping it fast and all that stuff for CNN and all those shows. The worst part is the underlying message. It really shows, like, a lot of contempt for their audience. You know what I mean? Like, the underlying messages. Hey, we've got to keep this moving fast and loud. Otherwise people won't find it interesting and will tune out and they won't be able to pay attention because they're not smart enough.
- [17:29]
Allison Rosen
Are you still talking?
- [17:30]
Kassim G
Hey, see?
- [17:31]
Bald Brian
Hey, retarded kids. We are gonna jingle a shitload. We are gonna. Here's what we're building. We're building a chandelier filled with keys that we're gonna jingle over your crib, and we're gonna hook it up to a paint can shaker. And it's like, hey, coming up next man, show Zam Crawley he's gonna weigh in on this old Jersey Shore thing. And what about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Love child or Love child coming up next. Now in the 8 o' clock hour, we got Doc Drew coming up. He's gonna be talking about Drew coming to Drew, come next trip. Coming back to you. Come back through, back and forth, have a diary. Then we're coming up with a commercial. Then we're coming up with a commercial. Hey, now we're back with a commercial coming up next. Now, what we just heard before, we have to talk about Jared Shark. What do you think about Snooki? I'm grilling. Coming back in a few minutes. We got commerce coming up. Then we're gonna get. Then the lightning round coming up to the top of the hour. I'm not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything. But it's loud. It's loud. It's lo. It's got rhythm. It's got rhythm and it's loud. And you think I'm saying something, but I'm really not. Paris Hilton, Kardashians. Go to a break. That's what it is. That's what it was. Whistle will blow. The fucking thing is just that I'm saying nothing. I say nothing.
- [18:47]
Kassim G
I'd watch that, though.
- [18:49]
Bald Brian
I would, too.
- [18:50]
Allison Rosen
I'd mute it and then I just. No, I would listen.
- [18:53]
Bald Brian
It's just. They say nothing. They show a bunch of fucking clips of the Kardashians and Snooki. They say nothing and they move on. There you go. That's what TVs become. And yes, it is a contempt for the audience. You fucking tards are so goddamn stupid that we're going to just keep this thing pumping the whole time.
- [19:14]
Allison Rosen
I think that's why podcasts are enjoying such popularity right now, because people actually want to encounter ideas. And you don't get that on that. That Ravey kind of thing. You're talking about tv.
- [19:28]
Bald Brian
Yeah, what she said. Hey, hey. Well, maybe we should take that. Hey, Paul Bryant's coming up top the hour. We got NASCAR twins coming up. NASCAR twins. Hey, how about those Kardashians? Kim, Khloe, Kourtney in there.
- [19:46]
Kassim G
She'S orange.
- [19:47]
Bald Brian
Allison, what you got coming up down to the news?
- [19:48]
Allison Rosen
Well, we got stuff about airplanes.
- [19:50]
Bald Brian
We're going back. We got to talk about the Kardashians again. Can you believe the Kardashians are badass? Hilton Kardashians Lindsay Lohan, this. What's going on. Yeah. Hey, what do they got coming up in the news? Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, what happened yesterday in the news?
- [20:06]
Allison Rosen
NBC up front.
- [20:07]
Bald Brian
What's that have to do with the Kardashians? Everything.
- [20:11]
Allison Rosen
It starts and ends with the Kardashians.
- [20:13]
Bald Brian
All right, so what do we got coming up? Coming up, coming up. The top of the hour, coming up. The top of the hour, coming up. The top of the hour, coming up. The top of the hour. Then coming back, looking back, looking back now, we got our top 10 coming up. We got top 10 Kardashian moments coming up. We got Kardashian moments coming up. Top 10 Kardashian. Ken with the Kardashian. Kardashian 10 coming up. Top of the hour. 10 RC10 coming up. Top of the hour. Bruce Jenner. What's up with him? Dude, that's a girl right there. He ain't a Kardashian. Kardashian 10. Not Karshee 10. 11. Bruce. Sorry, cousin Bruce. We're moving on. What's going on? The top of the hour with the news.
- [20:47]
Allison Rosen
Kim told Courtney, told Khloe told Courtney.
- [20:50]
Bald Brian
Told Kim, told Ken from US Magazine. Boy, one of them dies, you got the Ku Klux Klan going on. All kind of Kardashian. The Kardashian 10 coming up, top of the air, Paris Hilton. She did not. She did not. Paris Hilton coming up. What about Schwarzenegger? Love child?
- [21:05]
Allison Rosen
What's not about Schwarzenegger?
- [21:07]
Bald Brian
I tell you, I'd love to have a child with one of them Kardashians. Kardashian 10 coming up top. They are back, our Kardashian 5, Kardashian 7 and a half tomorrow night. And looking ahead to this time next year, more Kardashian talk.
- [21:20]
Allison Rosen
Which Kardashian didn't say the following.
- [21:24]
Bald Brian
What? Whose birthday is it? It's got to be one of the Kardashians.
- [21:26]
Allison Rosen
One of the Kardashians.
- [21:27]
Bald Brian
All right, answer after this. Oh, we haven't talked about Charlie Sheen in 60 seconds. Sheen alert. All right, there you go.
- [21:35]
Kassim G
Think we're onto something.
- [21:36]
Bald Brian
I think we are.
- [21:37]
Allison Rosen
Just keep Kardashian.
- [21:39]
Bald Brian
Fucking horrible electronic music that has just become the sound soundtrack to all retarded people out there. Jesus fucking Christ. All right, should we do a little news?
- [21:50]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [21:51]
Bald Brian
Live from the International News center, next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.
- [22:01]
Allison Rosen
There's something that has nothing to with do do with the Kardashians. Very quickly, horrible tornado struck. Joplin Missouri. And the death toll right now is 118. And it's probably going to go up. And this is the single deadliest U.S. tornado since modern record keeping began more than 60 years ago.
- [22:19]
Bald Brian
Wow.
- [22:19]
Allison Rosen
And I was calling it a hurricane earlier and Mike Lynch. Yeah, my syntax was all wrong. He winced and he said tornado.
- [22:28]
Bald Brian
Yeah. So he knows, first off, you know, they do that thing where, you know, hottest day in June since 1871, but they only kept track of tornadoes or whatever. It kept track of starting in like 1950 or 51.
- [22:44]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [22:44]
Bald Brian
Would all the paperwork blow away or something? Seems like they got all waterlogged. Seems like once they start keeping track of the weather, they just focus on all the weather. You know, Also they do that thing in the news where they go, 181 people dead, death toll expected to go up. I'll do that math. More to come. I mean, it's never going down, is it?
- [23:06]
Allison Rosen
Sometimes.
- [23:07]
Bald Brian
Really?
- [23:07]
Allison Rosen
I think sometimes they miscalculate initially. Like with 11, they do that inflated number.
- [23:13]
Bald Brian
They do that with maritime stuff too, because it's sensational. And then they find out not so many.
- [23:19]
Allison Rosen
Or the Holocaust. If it happens.
- [23:21]
Bald Brian
Yeah, if. If you're one of the few that believe it.
- [23:25]
Allison Rosen
Speaking of another big thing which you may or may not believe. The Rapture. The Rapture did not happen on Saturday as was predicted.
- [23:33]
Bald Brian
I gotta say, I'm always a little disappointed, even if it means the end of the world. Like, yeah, we gotta go to school on Monday.
- [23:40]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, yeah.
- [23:41]
Bald Brian
Kind of a bummer.
- [23:42]
Allison Rosen
And the weird thing is that I noticed on Monday a whole bunch of tweets saying the Rapture didn't happen started showing up in my timeline and I'm like, couldn't you guys have arrived at this conclusion on Sunday or were they waiting? They didn't want to be too hasty giving it an extra day.
- [23:56]
Bald Brian
You don't want to jump the Rapture.
- [23:57]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [23:58]
Bald Brian
Or the broom. That's what I found out. Yeah, Maybe Sundays, they're, you know, they're Sabbath or something. So they wait till Monday and tweet. You know what I mean? Maybe on the seventh day. He tweeted on the eighth day, tweeted, seventh day rested.
- [24:12]
Allison Rosen
So Harold Camping, who's the 89 year old man who has erroneously predicted the Rapture.
- [24:19]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [24:21]
Allison Rosen
Refused to speak to the press on Sunday, but did give a statement on Monday. But we have a little video of him refusing to talk to the press on. On Sunday.
- [24:30]
Bald Brian
Mm.
- [24:31]
Allison Rosen
All right, there he is.
- [24:33]
Bald Brian
No, no interviews. No interviews. Give me a day. No, no interviews. At all today. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. You know, this is a big deal. Big deal. And I've got a little. I've got to think it out. So no interviews. Is she a great big fat person? He's got to get back to his tax preparation business right.
- [25:07]
Allison Rosen
Now. He has to get groceries. He throwing them all out.
- [25:09]
Kassim G
Putting girls at the bottom of wells.
- [25:10]
Bald Brian
Is she a great big fat person? No. No interviews. No interviews.
- [25:15]
Allison Rosen
So he's explained it, though, on his radio program, Open Forum. He says the rapture he predicted turns. It turns out that was an invisible judgment day. He's come to understand it as a spiritual rather than physical event.
- [25:28]
Bald Brian
Like a silent but deadly farce.
- [25:30]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, it was just a big sbd.
- [25:34]
Bald Brian
Interesting. Okay, well, now it's all coming together. And by the way, to all the skeptics, I'm sure they've been won over at this point now that they know it's invisible. Judgment day.
- [25:43]
Allison Rosen
We had all of our dates correct. He says he now understands that Christ's May 21st arrival was a spiritual coming, ushering in the last five months before the final judgment and destruction. During the 90 minute broadcast, he walked listeners through his numerological timeline, saying that his teaching has not changed. The world will still end on. Get this. Get your calendars ready. October 21st. It won't be a spiritual on October 21st. The world will be destroyed, and it will be very quick. So it's like we've pressed the snooze button on destruction. What will you do with these five months?
- [26:19]
Bald Brian
Here's my whole thing with this old coot. The deal is, here's what I will accept. I will accept another prediction. That prediction is going to have to be hooked to. To a timer that triggers a shotgun.
- [26:34]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yes.
- [26:35]
Bald Brian
That is pointed at your head.
- [26:36]
Allison Rosen
Yes, I like that.
- [26:37]
Bald Brian
And you know what? Because I'm in a good mood, I'm gonna give you a full 20 minutes after you predict the rapture's gonna happen before that shotgun blows your head off or zip it, you old douchebag.
- [26:49]
Allison Rosen
Seriously.
- [26:50]
Bald Brian
So if you really want to talk, I'm all ears. But let me get my shotgun out. Now, I get the feeling you ain't talking. So now shut the fuck up, because it's pretty simple. If you really mean it and you really believe it, and you really know it, then go ahead and get the shotgun. You'll be dead for a full 19 and a half minutes before then. But if you don't, and I suspect you don't, why is it a guy like that would never agree to my shotgun plan. Even if I gave him 48 hours after the rapture, he would never agree to it. And you know he never would agree to it. Why do all religious people never agree to this kind of stuff and are scared shitless like we are, and the same old. They don't believe it. They don't. Nobody does. We'd like to, but we don't. And the more religious you are, I'd even say, the less you believe it. He knows it's not going to happen. He would never agree to this. Now, there are things you know that are going to happen. You know the sun is going to rise. You know the sun is going to set. You know my dog's gonna lick her pussy at least twice a day. There's certain things, you know, you can set your clock on, Although I don't know how you set your clock on it. Like, let's say Molly's licking her pussy. And I go, all right, does that make it 9:30 or 10:20? Like, what?
- [28:06]
Allison Rosen
Molly licking her pussy is cracked at least twice a day.
- [28:09]
Bald Brian
The point is. The point is this. If you said to me, I'm gonna put a shotgun to your head, Adam, and if the sun doesn't rise tomorrow, 10 hours after it was supposed to rise at 5:48 in the morning, I will pull the shotgun string. I'd go, go ahead. I'm insanely confident that the sun is coming up tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I know it. So don't say that people wouldn't do it. They would do it. You'd do it. About many. I could probably rattle off 10 topics where you'd go, yeah, I'd do it. Is the tide gonna rise? Is it gonna recede? Is there many other things that involve life that just says, okay, I would definitely do this, but he would never agree to this. Why?
- [28:53]
Allison Rosen
Because he doesn't believe it.
- [28:54]
Bald Brian
Of course he doesn't. Thus we should stop talking about his old fucking weathered ass. Who gives a shit? Kooks.
- [29:02]
Allison Rosen
Well, a lot of people who apparently spent tons of money to do things that they wanted to do before the end of the world are now more in debt. And they're angry because now they've got five more months to deal this with bullshit we call living.
- [29:15]
Bald Brian
Well, you see, I cleaned up because I basically just showed up at trailer parks, and I just said, I'll give you $40 for that double Y. And they're like, huh, it's worth $60,000. Yeah, not after the rapture, it ain't. So I cleaned up Rapture currency.
- [29:37]
Allison Rosen
What are you gonna do with all the trailers?
- [29:38]
Bald Brian
I'm renting it all back to them now.
- [29:40]
Allison Rosen
Oh, that's smart. Yeah, that is smart. So get this, Adam, Your favorite airport.
- [29:46]
Bald Brian
What?
- [29:47]
Allison Rosen
Your favorite airport, lax, has a very, possibly the highest rate of employee baggage theft.
- [29:56]
Bald Brian
I think it is the highest rate.
- [29:57]
Allison Rosen
It is the highest rate of employee baggage theft between January and 2002.
- [30:02]
Kassim G
Employee baggage, like their own baggage get stolen?
- [30:05]
Allison Rosen
No. Meaning they.
- [30:06]
Bald Brian
Right. Are you serious?
- [30:07]
Kassim G
That's what I thought they meant.
- [30:09]
Bald Brian
No, they're stealing your shit.
- [30:11]
Kassim G
Okay, so by employees.
- [30:13]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [30:14]
Bald Brian
All right.
- [30:14]
Allison Rosen
Thank you. Sorry my words are so abstruse. Lax had 4546 claims of items lost or stolen from luggage between the most of any airport in the nation.
- [30:30]
Bald Brian
I refuse to believe that. Punch yourself in the face. How dare you? How dare you attack my lax? That is not the super fucking stupid ass wipes at work over at lax. The super mean people that grunt at you when you walk by, that all look like criminals, right? Couldn't be them. No, could not. They would never.
- [30:49]
Allison Rosen
They have a high moral code.
- [30:50]
Bald Brian
Louisiana. Such a piece of shit. It's such a piece of shit. But here's what I don't understand. Get your fucking house in order. Whoever's running that place. I mean, seriously, your fucking security guard, you take. I've said this many times. The people that are the face of your business, not the people that work for the airlines. You work for Delta or Southwest. Those are Delta and the Southwest. American. Those are employees. I'm talking about the face of your company. Meaning, like lax, it is the person who looks at your license, looks at your ticket, and then lets you go in line. Those are some of the surliest cunts I've ever met in my life. They're all surly cunts.
- [31:37]
Kassim G
Are those government employees or are those employees of the airport?
- [31:40]
Bald Brian
I assume they're employees of the airport and. Or the government or both or I don't know what the distinction is. Tsa, whatever they are, somebody put a plate of shit under these cunts noses many years ago and they fucking grunt at you. You can travel all around the country and you get everything from the sort of grandma type that says, how you doing and have a nice flight or good morning, or makes these sort of comments like early enough for you, or just those like little. Little things like that to, you know, have a good day or good to see you, or have a safe flight or thank you, or whatever, anything but what you get at lax, which is fat cunt grunt. Just a big Big fat queef. Just fucking walk up.
- [32:24]
Allison Rosen
This grunt is a result of the fat cunt. Well, like the extra, like the extra heft it just makes you go.
- [32:33]
Bald Brian
They're bitchy because life has dealt them a shitty hand that they've accentuated by being cunts. And I don't mind them being a cunt. I mind their supervisors letting them do it. Do they not travel? Do they not go to other airports where they have somebody sitting there that says hi to thank you, come again, enjoy your flight. Have a safe flight or whatever it is, L.A. just go, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's just they're all fucking fat, angry cunts and Knock it off. And the fact that they steal more baggage than any other airport does not surprise me because they all seem like fucking felons who have contempt. They seem to have contempt for the flying public. Like they are pissed off. They act like if you were never born, I could sit here and finish my crossword puzzle.
- [33:26]
Kassim G
Like all the people online for security. It's like, I just washed that floor. I just washed down. Now you're trampling all over it.
- [33:31]
Bald Brian
Yeah, you fucking walk. I just ran the buffer on the floor. And by the way, I could be talking to my friend on a cell phone right now, except for you're presenting me with your license and your ticket and now I gotta grunt at you.
- [33:43]
Allison Rosen
And then LAX tried to spin it that because LAX is the. They were saying the number one destination and this hugely trafficked airport. That's why they have this high number of things stolen. However, the US government begs to defer because JFK actually is busier and has a lower number of items that were stolen.
- [34:05]
Bald Brian
There's a shocker.
- [34:06]
Allison Rosen
So in your face.
- [34:08]
Bald Brian
Look, here's the deal with la. Everybody involved with security are dickheads. The cops, by and large, are dickheads. Everyone involved with parking, dickheads, parking enforcement, dickheads, security, whether it be at a concert or at lax. Dickheads. LA has a whole bunch of dickheads and cunts with horrible attitudes and nobody straightens them out. Nobody says a fucking word. Like, hey, drop the attitude. Yes, you're pulling over somebody. You're not pulling over public enemy number one. You're pulling over some fucking guy who rolled through a four way stop sign who's paying your salary. Now charge him, as you know, ruin his day with your chicken shit $311 ticket, but don't be a dick about it. And lax, fat cunt, we're the reason you're employed. Stop taking it out on us.
- [35:04]
Allison Rosen
I know you hate Me stealing our Elmo DVDs. Yes, that's something they say stole, apparently.
- [35:08]
Bald Brian
Really?
- [35:09]
Allison Rosen
Elmo?
- [35:11]
Bald Brian
Yeah. So anyway, Lax, everyone knows it's a fucking piece of shit. And I blame the mayor. I do. It starts at the top and goes down. Knock it off, everybody. Tell these fucking people, look, I don't know who's in charge. I'd love to interview one of these cowards, but they'll never come on the phone. They'll never come on the show. I'd love to talk to a supervisor and go, why can't you tell these people? Here it is. Thank you, come again. I mean, they do it at McDonald's. It's very easy. It's a conveyor belt of thank yous. Look, driver's license, thank you, driver's license, driver's license, ticket. Little weird marks, a lot thing, Little highlighter thing that I don't understand. Now, you know what that is? You should pretend like you're doing something. So we went down a 99 cent storm, we bought a shitload of these dry erase markers. Go ahead and do a little circle around something on there, like the date. You wonder the date or should we do the date or the origin or the equipment? Let's do the date. Yeah, equipment. Okay. Yeah. 7:37 or that. Okay, look at it. Now, I know there's not a thought that's running through your mind, but don't hand it back to them immediately. Look at it like you're looking for something. Count five Mississippi. Oh, you can't go up to five. Tap your foot. Five. Oh, sorry, with the five thing again. All right, do this about that long. Okay, stare at this thing and don't do the thing where you're staring up toward the sky either. Stare at the paper for what would be. And then take. Take this, take this highlight. Sweetie, no, don't eat that. Sweetie, get that out of your mouth. That's not kissing potion. People, focus. Then find some numbers. No, sweetie, those are letters. The numbers are the things that. Right, right. Like your name is right. No, it's not spelled with numbers, it's spelled with letters. Okay, Circle a random group of the numbers and then hand it back to them. And make sure you grunt.
- [37:18]
Allison Rosen
Which random group?
- [37:22]
Bald Brian
Any random. Just there. Pretend like you're doing something for a moment, then you hand it back to him. But you could do this stare, stare, stare. See nothing, see nothing, see nothing. Circle, random batch of numbers and go, thank you. And that would be it. But they never do not lax. And it's their fucking manager. And Like I said, it goes all the way up to the mayor, but. Knock it off.
- [37:45]
Kassim G
And the look they give you when you pass isn't. It's not. Thank you. It's always alright, buddy. Yeah, you may have gotten past me this time.
- [37:51]
Bald Brian
You made it this time.
- [37:51]
Kassim G
Don't try anything funny on the way to the gate.
- [37:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Hey, new face of Al Qaeda. You got by me this time. But next time you're not gonna be so lucky, you understand? Unless you have a ham sandwich, in which case you can go, yeah, I know. And then big fat picture, that fucking retard Villa Gosa up at the airport just smiling with that stupid painted on grin that sociopaths have when they don't know what to do with their face. They go, hey, welcome to la, anything could happen. Or some bullshit like that.
- [38:18]
Kassim G
Welcome to la. Thank you for the ipod.
- [38:19]
Bald Brian
Right? Cunts. All right. Somebody do something about this, can't they? It's so easy. Go travel to any other airport. La, such a piece of shit. And this doesn't cost anything. I don't know how it goes. Who are their supervisors? How come no one ever tells them? Knock it off, all right?
- [38:39]
Allison Rosen
Supervisors are on take anyway.
- [38:41]
Bald Brian
And it's all your faults too, everyone who's listening, because you're not demanding anything of these ass wipes. Now where was I? Do you guys have. You guys have Schwarzenegger's love child's? Did we get any information on that douchebag? I was watching. Not the love child.
- [38:59]
Kassim G
Listen, a 10 year old kid.
- [39:00]
Bald Brian
Yeah, I was watching an exclusive on Entertainment Tonight and I was watching what they thought is the biological. All right, I can't find the clip. Give me some information on this guy. All right, so there's the guy who claims to be the biological dad of Schwarzenegger's love child. He thinks he's the dad who have.
- [39:25]
Kassim G
Thought up until now, he was the.
- [39:26]
Bald Brian
Dad who thought up until now his dad. And he's doing this. He's listed on the birth certificate and he's doing this thing where he's doing this interview with ET and he's saying, you know, I'm his father and he'll always be my son and all this kind of stuff, except for he doesn't live in the country and he's never seen the kid and they got divorced when the kid was two months old. And you know, once in a fortnight I get a little preachy. But we got to start fucking judging here, which is.
- [40:01]
Kassim G
Is it that fortnight?
- [40:02]
Bald Brian
Yes, yes. The kid and mother listed him on the birth certificate, but listed no minor children on divorce papers in.08.
- [40:13]
Allison Rosen
So he's a devoted father.
- [40:14]
Bald Brian
Yes, he's a Colombian immigrant. And he's not. He claims he talked to the kid last year, but by the way, talking to a kid last year wasn't December 31st of last year number one. And if he says last year, what do you think, three years? What's the over under? Here's all I'm saying.
- [40:31]
Kassim G
Is it worse to talk to your kid once a year than to, like, never talk to them?
- [40:34]
Allison Rosen
I think so.
- [40:35]
Kassim G
It'd be preferable to never talk to them. Just be disappeared and have no relationship?
- [40:38]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [40:39]
Bald Brian
I'm sure he just said that to save a little face. But all I'm saying is, worse, they're interviewing the guy and he's like, I am the biological father. He will always be my son. He'll always be. It's that stupid Latin machismo bullshit where it's like, he's always. He'll be my. Really? You haven't seen the fucking kid in how many years, douchebag? And how come whoever's interviewing him goes, what do you mean, he's your son? When did you see him last? When's the last time you guys hung out? When's the last time you guys shot some hoop or you told him about the birds and the bees? What's a kid, 11, 12 years old? This douchebag was out of the picture two months. Says he talked to him last year, but doesn't know where he is today. Doesn't live in the same. I don't know if he lives. Do we find out what? Dawson, what goddamn country does this guy live in? I asked an hour ago. I can't get it. Yeah, it says he's from Colombia. Where does he live? And where does the kid live, Which I asked for an hour ago. Is that not findable, really? Everywhere?
- [41:35]
Kassim G
It's just not out there.
- [41:36]
Bald Brian
Not out there? All right, we're trying.
- [41:38]
Kassim G
Wouldn't it be great if someone, like, interviewed him with, like, some basic trivia questions about his son? Like, what is your son's best friend's name?
- [41:44]
Bald Brian
Well, now you're getting to my dad's name.
- [41:45]
Allison Rosen
How would he know that?
- [41:47]
Bald Brian
My dad would know that, and he sort of raised me. Here's the point. He said, I am your father. That is all. But he's not the dad. He didn't raise the kid. He's not even the dad's. He's not even the kid's blood. If he was even worse Even worse that he thinks he's a kid. And even worse than we have a fucking society where it's like, oh, this poor man is a victim. This guy's a world class douchebag and a criminal. He shit out a kid. At least in his mind, he shit out a kid. He split when that kid was 2 months old and he has no contact with that kid. He's my blood. Shut the fuck. Fuck up, you hypocrite. That's what's wrong. That's what's wrong with this world is ass wipes like you. Other than that, I don't have strong opinions about it.
- [42:30]
Kassim G
Other than that, you're cool with them?
- [42:31]
Bald Brian
Yeah, other than that, we're cool. All right, Another three days, we'll find out what state this guy lives in and we'll get back to you. We'll take a quick break. I'll tell you what we'll do. Do you want to do a little what can. Adam, you know what? I've been doing a lot of fucking complaining.
- [42:47]
Allison Rosen
Good. That'll make it harder for you to complain about our things then, because we have a lot of money riding on this.
- [42:51]
Bald Brian
We have $8, but we have our gas.
- [42:53]
Allison Rosen
Less than that, even just $7.
- [42:58]
Bald Brian
I think I'm looking at $7.
- [43:00]
Allison Rosen
Oh, all right.
- [43:02]
Kassim G
Told ya.
- [43:03]
Bald Brian
Yes. And where was we? The point is we got our guests, right? They've been here for an hour.
- [43:09]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [43:10]
Bald Brian
All right, I think we should take a break. Just bring our guests in. I'm blue in the face from complaining anyway. We'll take a quick break. We'll bring in. Who do we have? The NASCAR twins. Hot NASCAR chicks. All right, we'll bring them in. We'll be right back after this. Amber and Angela Cope, both here. The NASCAR twins. Saw them driving in the. Now, is that the Craftsman truck series?
- [43:32]
Adam Carolla
It's the Camping World Truck Series.
- [43:33]
Bald Brian
It's the Camping World Truck Series. What. What kind of trucks you guys driving?
- [43:38]
Adam Carolla
We drove for the Dodges last year. Back in October was our first run.
- [43:42]
Bald Brian
In the trucks in the truck series. They have Chevy, Dodge, Toyota. They have everything, but same as the nascar. I mean, same as the sedans, I guess. It is insane.
- [43:55]
Adam Carolla
I don't know about sedans.
- [43:56]
Bald Brian
Toyota. Well, I don't know what to call them, but close. The Toyota. What are they? It's technically, I guess they're sedans, right? I mean, not your truck. I'm talking about like a Caprice or whatever the hell they're driving in the nascar, Right?
- [44:09]
Adam Carolla
Like the cots.
- [44:10]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [44:10]
Adam Carolla
What do they Call them like the cots. We were driving the Chevrolets this past weekend.
- [44:15]
Bald Brian
What's a cot?
- [44:17]
Adam Carolla
Just the body styles. Like the whole body styles.
- [44:19]
Bald Brian
But what cot stand for?
- [44:21]
Allison Rosen
Oh, gosh.
- [44:22]
Adam Carolla
The Car of Tomorrow.
- [44:23]
Bald Brian
Really?
- [44:24]
Adam Carolla
Yep.
- [44:25]
Bald Brian
They call them the Car Tomorrow?
- [44:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [44:27]
Bald Brian
Oh, okay.
- [44:28]
Adam Carolla
They just came out with them. This is the first year that they're driving Nationwide, so they've been out for two years. They started out in the Sprint Cup.
- [44:34]
Bald Brian
You guys are driving then the Dodge truck or you drive everything?
- [44:37]
Adam Carolla
We drove the Dodge trucks in October of last year, but we. Last weekend we ran in the Nationwide first race.
- [44:44]
Bald Brian
Bitching, right?
- [44:45]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [44:46]
Bald Brian
How'd it feel in their trading point with the big boys?
- [44:49]
Adam Carolla
You know, it was a little nerve wracking. I'll be honest with you. We ran against some big guys. I mean, it was pretty exciting. I mean, really, it's a dream come true for us to be up there, you know, with all those guys that we've always dreamed of. And it's exciting. There's three females in the race, so we ran against Jennifer Jo Cobb, so that was kind of cool.
- [45:07]
Bald Brian
There's no reason why the ladies can't be competitive in the driving sports because you got good endurance and you're probably 50 pounds lighter than a lot of those NASCAR dudes. That ain't bad on the track, unfortunately.
- [45:22]
Adam Carolla
That doesn't really matter. But everybody seems to think that. But.
- [45:26]
Bald Brian
Well, it doesn't hurt.
- [45:28]
Adam Carolla
Hey, it's a good thing, you know? Exactly.
- [45:30]
Bald Brian
Well, I mean, it is a weight. It is a weight to horsepower thing. I mean, it's not. It'd be worse if someone put 50 pounds of weight in your trunk, right?
- [45:37]
Allison Rosen
If they put junk in your trunk.
- [45:39]
Bald Brian
Yeah. They put junk in your trunk. Yeah.
- [45:42]
Adam Carolla
That's funny.
- [45:43]
Bald Brian
Yeah. And you got. I think women. Women have better endurance than men. Or is that one of the things that. I don't know if it's a myth or what it is, but they. They do. Like, for instance, when it comes to the marathon, women are wildly competitive. I don't know if they'll catch guys, but they're right up there. It's not like, you know, a bench press competition or boxing or something like that. The marathon, the guys come in at 2:06, 208, and the women come in at like 221 or 220 something. I mean, it's not that much of a margin compared over the distance that they're running. I don't know if they average another, you know, 40 seconds a mile or whatever the hell it is you should Figure that out. I don't even know if it's that. Give me a good. Give me the world record on the women's time and the men's time. I know the men's time is like, 206, 207, something like that. But I'm curious, what the world record, FEMA. Would you guys think it'd be? 20 minutes or less?
- [46:40]
Adam Carolla
Less.
- [46:41]
Bald Brian
Less.
- [46:41]
Allison Rosen
I don't know.
- [46:43]
Adam Carolla
I'm not sure.
- [46:44]
Bald Brian
What do you think? So you think it's under 220. And I think the gap is shrinking. That's my thing. I think women are.
- [46:54]
Allison Rosen
Because men are becoming chicks.
- [46:56]
Bald Brian
I think women have the endurance.
- [46:58]
Adam Carolla
Thanks for stepping up.
- [46:58]
Bald Brian
I'm telling you, they have the endurance gene, and men have sort of the strength gene, but women have, like, the endurance gene. Maybe it's taking care of kids that fucking drives you nuts.
- [47:08]
Adam Carolla
I think. Goodness. We don't have any.
- [47:09]
Bald Brian
You don't have any kids. So how did it all get started for you guys?
- [47:13]
Adam Carolla
You know what's funny is we started when we were nine years old. Our parents got us kind of involved in the sport. We got it for Christmas and go kart, and we didn't even know what it was. Kind of crazy, but it's been our family. Like, our grandpa raced, our dad did it, and then our uncle is still driving the Nationwide Series.
- [47:28]
Bald Brian
Derek up.
- [47:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So.
- [47:30]
Bald Brian
And so you started off, you start doing karting?
- [47:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we started the go karting. We did that for about seven years. Yeah. Dominated, did really well, and then moved up to, like, a super late model at the age of 15. Before we actually were driving, we didn't have our driver's license. So it's kind of crazy deal, but winning all over, traveling all over the Northwest, doing really well. And then a week before we turned 21, we decided to make the move back east to Charlotte, because you got to be in basically back east, where all the NASCAR is to be seen to be noticed. And so it was a good time for Derek, and we moved in with him and started kind of pursuing everything from that point on.
- [48:07]
Bald Brian
What is the next move? Like, what would be the next big move for you?
- [48:12]
Adam Carolla
I think the next big move is where we're at right now. We just ran our first Nationwide race last weekend, which was really exciting for us. It's a big step. Right. And at the same time, I mean, we're still going through NASCAR approval process, so, I mean, for us to, you know, try to run, I think get the rest of the year would be big for us.
- [48:28]
Bald Brian
What places did you come in, I got 28th.
- [48:31]
Adam Carolla
What did I get? 32nd, and we're finished. 32nd. Yeah. It's kind of a rough weekend. It was, you know, we struggled in the pits.
- [48:38]
Bald Brian
Like, you beat people, right?
- [48:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, hey, we did that. Absolutely. You know, but no, like, there was mistakes made by us and the team, which, you know, all comes with time. And it's a learning process, too.
- [48:48]
Bald Brian
At the same time, how much of it is the pit stuff and the crew stuff?
- [48:52]
Adam Carolla
Oh, it's. It's very important. I mean, it's half of. I'm gonna say it's like 50. 50.
- [48:56]
Bald Brian
Really?
- [48:56]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I mean, you come in for a pit stop. Like, we came in for our second pit stop, it was. And they left a lug nut loose. We go out, we almost put in the wall. We come back in, we go back out. They did it again. So that put us down 10 laps. They don't show that on TV.
- [49:09]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [49:09]
Adam Carolla
But we put us down.
- [49:11]
Bald Brian
What do you do with the guy who leaves the lug nut loose?
- [49:13]
Adam Carolla
You know what's so funny is that Jackman, like, grabbed him and, like, threw him over.
- [49:17]
Bald Brian
Really?
- [49:17]
Adam Carolla
Like, so mad. Yeah. Cause I mean, it cost us. I mean, we were running decent in the very beginning.
- [49:21]
Bald Brian
Did that turn you on?
- [49:22]
Adam Carolla
I don't think so. I think I was so mad.
- [49:25]
Bald Brian
Just the fact that guy's name. Jackman. Jackman. Someone said Jackman.
- [49:29]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [49:31]
Bald Brian
So he was pissed off. But, you know, it's rough because there's a lot of sports where they do the tire change and they have the one single nut in the middle of the thing, and the guy just hits it with a big old, I don't know, 40 millimeter impact gun, and it's just the thing pops up, they got to put on five lug nuts. I mean, I know they like it that way. I mean, there's a tradition to it, but I mean, that's. That's five chances that. Well, 20 chances to make a mistake if you go all four corners, if you think about it that way. And like, some of the, you know, the more modern cars that race, endurance races, they don't even have the Jackman. They plug an air hose into the car and jacks shoot out of the bottom of the car, and the car just lifts off the ground. So they've, like, automated all that stuff. But NASCAR wants that sort of tradition. They want the over the wall with the jack guy and. Anyone find out the marathon thing?
- [50:26]
Kassim G
No, I just. I am Mike lynch about it. He was looking for the Heinz Ward clip. We're asking for a lot of clips today. Rapid succession, I guess.
- [50:34]
Bald Brian
So I don't need a clip of somebody.
- [50:36]
Allison Rosen
I just have nothing. I'm noticing that you guys have. You share a Twitter account.
- [50:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [50:41]
Allison Rosen
And you must spend a ton of time together.
- [50:44]
Adam Carolla
You know, we spend most of our time together. We're always together.
- [50:46]
Allison Rosen
I mean, is that how it's always been for you guys, or is that. Is it more so because you guys are now racing together?
- [50:53]
Adam Carolla
I think it's really always been like that growing up. We're each other's bestest friends. It's crazy. We do everything together.
- [50:59]
Bald Brian
Yeah. You ever fall in love with the same dude?
- [51:01]
Adam Carolla
No. Not that. We're completely opposite when it comes to really.
- [51:04]
Bald Brian
You like the jackman. She likes the guy who hands the Gatorade bottle on the stick.
- [51:09]
Adam Carolla
She likes big guys at night and later that night. I like the big guys. Yeah.
- [51:13]
Bald Brian
You like the big guys.
- [51:13]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [51:14]
Bald Brian
And you like the skinny guys.
- [51:16]
Adam Carolla
Sure. Skinny minis, spinners.
- [51:21]
Bald Brian
In the gay business.
- [51:23]
Adam Carolla
All right, that's this.
- [51:25]
Bald Brian
All right. I don't need to see a picture of guys changing tires, but I do need to know what the time is. All right, so 2:15.
- [51:34]
Kassim G
It's a 12 minute difference.
- [51:36]
Bald Brian
Yeah, that ain't. That ain't bad. 215 is the woman's world record. And 203, by the way. 203:59. So let's go ahead and call that 204.
- [51:47]
Kassim G
White chick has a record.
- [51:49]
Bald Brian
Wow.
- [51:50]
Kassim G
I would have lost money on that.
- [51:51]
Bald Brian
Not even Kenyan, British and. Well, British got a long history of that.
- [51:56]
Kassim G
Look at all the hills.
- [51:57]
Bald Brian
Yeah. No, I don't know if the Kenyan women run it like the Kenyan dudes do, but point is this. Ethiopia, by the way. So 204 versus 215, that's. That's pretty close. And I think that gap has been narrowed. And I'm wondering. I'm just wondering that if in, you know, 20 years, might be up, might be up in the same run in the same place. All right, Allison, you got some more news?
- [52:26]
Allison Rosen
I sure do.
- [52:27]
Bald Brian
You guys hang out and crack wives whilst we do the news. And now the Rest of the News with Allison Rosen.
- [52:36]
Allison Rosen
Are you guys familiar with planking? It's this new meme where people lie really flat as if their body's a plank on top of different objects and it's dangerous. And our friends over at Know youw Meme have put together a video explaining it to us.
- [52:53]
Bald Brian
Mm.
- [52:56]
Allison Rosen
Here it is.
- [52:57]
Bald Brian
Yeah, I've seen this planking.
- [53:00]
Allison Rosen
We should all do it later.
- [53:03]
Bald Brian
So planking is actually a variation of an older meme called the lying down game that originated in the UK in 2006. It's a mass participatory game where you lie rigidly face down with your arms to your sides, usually in a public place and have someone take your picture so you can upload it to Facebook. In Australia it was called planking and started getting buzzed through local radio stations that held planking competitions. But it really took off once. This Australian rugby player, David Wolfman Williams planked during a game on March 27 this year. After that it became a popular extreme sport and the danger element became increasingly important. After that, it blew up in the Australian news media. And then a 20 year old from Brisbane, Acton Beale, attempted to do it off a seven story balcony at 4:30am and fell to his death. Well, who could have seen that coming? Yeah, what's a mame?
- [53:56]
Kassim G
Oh, please.
- [53:57]
Bald Brian
I don't know what it is.
- [53:58]
Kassim G
It's an Internet trend that catches on. The greatest one of all time, Adam Rickrolling is the ultimate Internet meme. It's one of those things that catches on people do.
- [54:08]
Bald Brian
You know, you don't have any of the guys in the NASCAR circuit talking about maim or flanking or any of that. That's just, that's just Hollywood bullshit, right? Yeah, yeah.
- [54:18]
Allison Rosen
There's no sad Keanu's driving NASCAR or I can has. Yeah, it's all, it's like NASCAR.
- [54:24]
Kassim G
It's all hipster shit, right? Cats driving NASCARs would be cool.
- [54:28]
Allison Rosen
That would be cool.
- [54:30]
Bald Brian
So there's so.
- [54:32]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, that's what all the, all the kids are doing and some of them are dying.
- [54:37]
Bald Brian
Yeah, well, because you're trying to plank between two things and it's like anything, you just have to keep. You have to keep upping it. Meaning you can jump a motorcycle over a barrel, but eventually have to jump one over a bus and then you have to jump it over eight buses and then you die, right?
- [54:53]
Allison Rosen
Pretty much.
- [54:54]
Kassim G
I had never heard of planking before this very moment. It's one of those words that when you hear it, you brace yourself for something that's much, much worse than what it ends up being.
- [55:01]
Allison Rosen
Oh, like curbing.
- [55:03]
Kassim G
Yeah, yeah, exactly. A good example. Curbing. Or some horrible sexual thing that people do to each other.
- [55:08]
Bald Brian
I don't know what. Wait a minute. What's curbing? I don't know what curbing is.
- [55:12]
Kassim G
Curb stomping, like in American History X where you kick the guy's face on a curb and break his jaw.
- [55:17]
Bald Brian
Oh, oh, that curbing. Oh, I thought it was sexual. I guess it could be.
- [55:21]
Kassim G
You've seen American History Reacts?
- [55:23]
Bald Brian
Yes, I've mastered. I mean, watched that. Yeah, that's curbing, all right. I don't know. They say curb your dog, but that doesn't mean. Put your dog's jaw against Curb, kick.
- [55:33]
Kassim G
It, break his skull.
- [55:34]
Bald Brian
Okay, could check that out.
- [55:37]
Allison Rosen
You made all the girls in this room go.
- [55:40]
Bald Brian
I'm just saying. It doesn't mean that.
- [55:42]
Allison Rosen
It doesn't mean that.
- [55:43]
Bald Brian
All right.
- [55:45]
Allison Rosen
I personally, I've never planked, nor have I done the lying down game. At least I don't call it that.
- [55:51]
Kassim G
I planked once in college, but I didn't inhale.
- [55:54]
Allison Rosen
Oprah's final episode was taped today.
- [55:57]
Bald Brian
Had not heard about that.
- [55:59]
Allison Rosen
Really? You thought she was gonna go on to have infinite seasons of her award winning show? Adam.
- [56:05]
Bald Brian
I was hoping she would, yes.
- [56:07]
Allison Rosen
Sorry.
- [56:08]
Bald Brian
Somebody in my. One of the 25 radio stations I talked to this morning wanted to know what her secret guest was that was gonna be the biggest guest on the planet. And I think I know Faustino. David Faustino.
- [56:25]
Allison Rosen
I wish.
- [56:25]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it'd be nice. I mean, he's from the Chicago area, or at least that's where they shot Married With Children.
- [56:30]
Allison Rosen
I call him Dave.
- [56:32]
Bald Brian
Yeah, me too.
- [56:33]
Allison Rosen
But no, I don't think she had.
- [56:37]
Bald Brian
I think she was the guest. Yes, that was the whole thing.
- [56:40]
Allison Rosen
Right. But she had famous people in the audience, including your favorite, Tyler Perry. Also Maria Shriver, Suze Orman, Cicely Tyson.
- [56:49]
Bald Brian
Look, Oprah should be dunked in a well for making that ass wipe a star. And thank God folks have finally caught up to just how horrible Tyler Perry is. And they put aside their. At first, nobody wanted to talk about what a horrible writer he was because there were sort of racial implications. Now everyone's like, fuck it, he's a billionaire. It's okay to talk about what a hack he is. He's just a shitty writer. He's just a bad writer. If you watch his movies, you'll go, what the fuck is this? Watch his movie. Watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman. And you'll go, it's one of these things. It's like hearing about some sport that's huge in another country, and you just go, yeah, yeah. Or hearing about some band that's huge, selling out soccer stadiums in Brazil. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is one of those movies. You go, eh, sit down and watch 20 minutes of it and tell me what you think.
- [57:41]
Kassim G
You think the NASCAR twins have seen the Tyler Perry movie.
- [57:43]
Bald Brian
You guys, they're big on the circuit, right? I mean, you guys have Blu Ray, black Ray, whatever it is, right? You guys, everyone's buzzing about that. I mean, we guys. That's why you have radios in your car, right? To talk about Madea?
- [57:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we talk.
- [57:55]
Bald Brian
Sure. All right. Yeah. Now, I'm guessing no one knows. No. You know, Tyler Perry is.
- [58:01]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [58:02]
Allison Rosen
Do you enjoy. Good noise.
- [58:04]
Bald Brian
That's good. That's a good.
- [58:05]
Adam Carolla
I think I know who that is. I. I don't.
- [58:07]
Bald Brian
Give me. Tell me. Tell me who you think Tyler Perry is.
- [58:10]
Adam Carolla
Please, Amber, tell us. He's a black guy.
- [58:13]
Bald Brian
All right, good.
- [58:16]
Adam Carolla
I can't remember what movies in, though.
- [58:18]
Bald Brian
Okay, good. Listen, it's pure. Like, it'd be like this. So wouldn't you feel jealous of me? Ask me if I know what the Holocaust is?
- [58:26]
Allison Rosen
Allison, do you know what the Holocaust is?
- [58:29]
Bald Brian
See? Isn't that nice?
- [58:31]
Allison Rosen
That's what I figured.
- [58:32]
Bald Brian
There's something pure about it. You envy me, do you not?
- [58:35]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I do.
- [58:36]
Bald Brian
Yes, I envy you. You don't know who Tyler Perry is. It's nice. Yeah, it's great.
- [58:42]
Allison Rosen
So fans leaving the taping said Winfrey had tears in her eyes, and she said, get ready. This isn't goodbye. This is. Until we meet again.
- [58:54]
Bald Brian
Wow. Such a pile of vomit.
- [58:56]
Allison Rosen
She kissed and hugged Stedman.
- [58:58]
Bald Brian
Oh, that must have been painful.
- [59:00]
Allison Rosen
Said goodbye to audience members. She kept saying, we did it. We did it. While giving employees high fives.
- [59:06]
Bald Brian
I like.
- [59:07]
Kassim G
You know, if there's any doubt, they wouldn't do it.
- [59:10]
Bald Brian
Half of me likes Oprah because she tries to help people, and she tries to educate people and give them Pontiacs and no one else will drive and all that kind of stuff. That's fine. But then there's that part of me where it's like, she's on every single cover of her magazine. And it's weird because they show the COVID of the magazine. You're like, oh, Oprah's really lost weight. And then you see her on TV and like, oh, she's fat as ever. And then you realize she's just airbrushing her hips off or doing whatever she's doing. And so, on one hand, she's sending this great and positive message to all women, and on the other hand, she never ages because of the airbrushing and has all these designers that are making her look good in a bathing suit and so on and so forth.
- [59:48]
Allison Rosen
She doesn't look that good.
- [59:50]
Bald Brian
No, no, but she. You. You see her on the magazine cover and then see her on stage and go, oh, my God. She packed on. And you're like, that's just a real her.
- [59:59]
Kassim G
It's a mixed message.
- [60:00]
Bald Brian
Mixed message. Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [60:04]
Allison Rosen
Kyle Pierce, United Airlines passenger, was arrested for masturbating en route. He's from Florida, and he was flying from Spokane. I know, I know, I know. Finally, they turned out.
- [60:18]
Bald Brian
Wow.
- [60:19]
Allison Rosen
Someone who wanted to touch his own junk. He was flying from Spokane to Denver on May 19 when he shocked fellow passengers by masturbating in his coach class. United Airlines. I mean, coach. What's he that excited about? Yeah, he was arrested when United Flight 340 touched down in Denver. He was charged with obscene and indecent exposure of his person by exhibiting his penis and masturbating in plain view. He allegedly started masturbating before he was caught in the act by his fellow passengers. A passenger seated right behind him told police, I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom.
- [60:58]
Bald Brian
Hold on. Behind him.
- [61:01]
Allison Rosen
Maybe the seat was like when he.
- [61:04]
Bald Brian
Reached over with a Bible and whacked him in his. Which arm?
- [61:07]
Allison Rosen
Sadly, we don't know which book or which arm, but it was 19D, so if, you know, airplane configuration. Well, that's where the guy. The book. That's where the book whacker was sitting. 18D is where the whacker was sitting.
- [61:18]
Kassim G
It could have been like caddy corner. That's the perfect view. Sadly, the person who has that view, you know, to, like, over their shoulder diagonally.
- [61:24]
Allison Rosen
Well, now, a woman unlucky enough to be seated next to Pierce in 18E. Ooh, that's a middle seat. Told cops he was masturbating and that he ejaculated and got some on the seat.
- [61:33]
Bald Brian
I would. Yeah, that's what's on the seats. All right, couple things. Number one. Oh, I'm seeing it. Looks like a nice gent holding a large Foster's can. First off, if you're the gal sitting next to the guy, that's about as high a praise as you're ever gonna get. I mean, your husband can tell you look nice in those jeans. And when your co workers tell you you look five years younger, but a guy beating off next year, that's. That's as high praise as you're gonna get as a female.
- [62:03]
Allison Rosen
You're right.
- [62:04]
Kassim G
That's the ultimate answer to, like, when did you feel the most beautiful?
- [62:06]
Bald Brian
That's right. That's right.
- [62:08]
Kassim G
I was flying from Spokane to Denver.
- [62:10]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Other than that, it's just Words, you know what I mean? This is jizz. You know what I mean?
- [62:16]
Allison Rosen
I know.
- [62:16]
Bald Brian
And like they said, a leader is worth, you know, apologiz is worth a thousand words. The great F. Scott Fitzgerald once said that.
- [62:27]
Allison Rosen
So I prefer ladies.
- [62:28]
Bald Brian
Am I right? They're nodding. The point is, look, I know it's a double edged penis and you know, and you guys are disgusted by it, but, you know, that's. A guy thinks you're attractive, but now.
- [62:37]
Allison Rosen
How do you know that he is.
- [62:39]
Bald Brian
Or he really likes something in the sky mall.
- [62:41]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How do you know that he's masturbating to you? Because the seats are so close together that he's probably not looking directly at you because that would be awkward.
- [62:48]
Bald Brian
Mm.
- [62:48]
Allison Rosen
So how do you know that it's. How do you know that you inspired it?
- [62:51]
Bald Brian
She said he got some on the sea.
- [62:53]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, Some.
- [62:59]
Bald Brian
God. It's all in the air system. Now.
- [63:02]
Allison Rosen
After he ducked into the lavatory, passengers wondered aloud if he was stoned on marijuana.
- [63:07]
Bald Brian
Mmm. Seemed like the kind of thing you'd do.
- [63:10]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [63:11]
Kassim G
Stewardess, I called in earlier this flight specifically to say that it was allergic to jizz. Keep it out of the plane, please.
- [63:17]
Bald Brian
This is why they usually serve the Fiesta Mix because it's got the saltpeter in it. It's a boner killer. As long as anyone's in the presence of Fiesta Mix, there will be no beating off. It's too somber a day. You can't look at Fiesta Mix and beat off simultaneously. It's like beating off at a funeral or Holocaust museum. Cannot be done. Cannot be done.
- [63:38]
Allison Rosen
He faces a maximum sentence of 90 days in jail with a year of supervised release and a fine of up to $5,000. I say, what's the big deal?
- [63:47]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it's also one of these things where you should get your story going too. Like if you're in the joint, you know, what are you in for? Kill the cop. Okay. Beat off on 737. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's not gonna work.
- [64:02]
Kassim G
I thought you were arrested on a plane.
- [64:03]
Bald Brian
Also, it's gotta be weird for the guys. You know, there are the guys in prison where if you're a pedophile or you, you know, you raped a woman or something, you get, you get beat up or Sodom. And they have, they have. Oh, yeah, they have frontier justice in the prisons. Which is it? Oh, no, it's good because if, if you're a child molester, they don't let you with the general Population because they kick your ass for being a child. They have a certain code. Yeah. They're like, sure, I killed a couple of Brinks armed guards, but you molested a kid, and now we're gonna beat the shit out of you over by the monkey bar. But I feel like the beat off on a commercial flight would be. That would send these guys into a tailspin. Like, come on, let's get him. Hold on, Wait a minute.
- [64:48]
Kassim G
Watch those hands.
- [64:49]
Bald Brian
Hero or criminal? Like, what. What should we do with this guy? First off, he's dangerous. He'll try anything. Obviously he's very dangerous. Yeah, he likes it public. But the other thing is, is like, is that a. What do you do with that? You know what I mean? Like, can he be out with the general pop? Yeah.
- [65:05]
Kassim G
Where's that rank in like the prison hierarchy of crimes? That's not white. Well, ironically, it is white.
- [65:11]
Bald Brian
Killing a cop's a good. You know, that'll score you. Doing anything bad to kids or women, not a good thing. Beating off on a commercial, killing a cop gets you.
- [65:22]
Kassim G
Gets you cred. You know what I'm saying?
- [65:23]
Bald Brian
Right? Yeah, yeah. You know what? I'd modify it. I'd say beat off on a cop, on a commercial, on an air marshal. That's right.
- [65:35]
Allison Rosen
On a lady air marshal. That'd be the biggest praise. She probably already feels like masculinized in that job. So let's just. Let's just talk this through a little bit. Do you think his thing is doing stuff in public and subjecting other people to watching him masturbate? Or was it like he was thinking, I just don't think anyone's gonna notice I'm tucked here in my seat. I want to rub one out.
- [66:00]
Bald Brian
I think it's about the exposure, you know, because anybody can excuse themselves to the bathroom. We've all been on a flight where someone seems like they've been in the bathroom for 10 minutes, and no one, I bet he's beating off in there. It's like, now the guy's in the bathroom, like, no one even really pays attention. So you guys think it's about the exposure in that element?
- [66:19]
Adam Carolla
I do. I think probably, yeah. I mean, it would have to be at that point. I mean, that's pretty brave. That's bold to do something like that.
- [66:26]
Bald Brian
Let's not. Let's not ever attract. Let's not ever discount just being fucking stupid and high and all that stuff, you know? But I'd say that's if you're. If your job is to masturbate and not get caught. That is not the way you go about doing your job. On the other hand, this is why I'm going to train my son to be like a ninja when it comes to this. Certain guys got to be in certain positions to achieve this. You know what I mean? They can't just be standing up with their head pressed against that weird slanted piece of. Of plastic over the toilet. You know what I mean? That's. That's not a good position.
- [66:56]
Allison Rosen
They have to recline an inch.
- [66:58]
Bald Brian
That's right. Yeah. Yeah. It's 3:16, but yeah.
- [67:03]
Allison Rosen
Do you guys meet a lot of creepy guys all the time?
- [67:06]
Bald Brian
I mean, we talked about the Jackman, right?
- [67:10]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah. He's one of them.
- [67:12]
Bald Brian
Yeah. There must be a fair amount of creepy fans out there, right?
- [67:15]
Adam Carolla
I think there's. I think that's any. Anywhere you go, you're gonna get creepies. Yeah. People.
- [67:19]
Bald Brian
Yeah. But I'd say that being hot blondes, you know, the NASCAR circuit, I mean.
- [67:25]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah. Everyone's pretty nice though. You'd be surprised. But there are. You get to a few that are a little crazy. You always have the crazy people.
- [67:32]
Bald Brian
Mm.
- [67:33]
Adam Carolla
You know. Yeah. The creepy creepertons, we call them.
- [67:37]
Bald Brian
Oh yeah. But those, those, those. A lot of them are your fans, right?
- [67:42]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we have a lot of fans out there. You know, there was. How many fans was there last weekend at Iowa? Like 65,000, right? Yeah. So it's pretty. That's big.
- [67:50]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Yeah. For your 7,000 of them were. I'm saying that's your base. Let's not discourage. Let's not discourage the base people.
- [68:00]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yeah, right.
- [68:01]
Bald Brian
Sorry.
- [68:04]
Allison Rosen
An article in Time on the highest earning college majors and the lowest earning college majors. So if you're wondering what to major in. So you can either make a lot of money or not make any money. Here we go. Mining. So the highest earning majors. Mining and mineral engineering, Metallurgical engineering, mechanical engineering and then there's some that don't start with M as well. Naval architecture and marine engineering. I said that too soon.
- [68:33]
Bald Brian
That must be for drilling oil and things like that, right?
- [68:37]
Allison Rosen
I think so, yes. Electrical engineering, chemical engineering. It's a lot of engineering, Aerospace engineering, Mathematics and computer sciences, pharmacy and pharmaceutical sciences and administration. You get a lot of chicks in that one too.
- [68:50]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Hot chicks. Do you see any ceramics?
- [68:53]
Allison Rosen
Petroleum engineering? No, I think college majors. You could major in ceramics in college though.
- [68:59]
Bald Brian
What?
- [69:00]
Allison Rosen
I think you can. Lowest earning majors, health and medical preparatory programs. Visual and performing arts. That's sort of sad. Communication disorders. Sciences and services, studio arts.
- [69:13]
Bald Brian
Hold on. What's visual and performing arts?
- [69:15]
Allison Rosen
I think that would be like painting, sculpture, ceramics.
- [69:19]
Bald Brian
Ceramics, yeah. There I am.
- [69:21]
Allison Rosen
Well, but studio arts is there, so that might be ceramics, too. Drama and theater arts, social work, human services and community organizations. Theology and religious vocations.
- [69:31]
Bald Brian
Let me say this, Let me say this. I come from a long line of folks who don't really work, but the ones that did work worked helping people, which is sort of noble. The only two people in my family that worked were my grandmother worked for the va, the Veterans Administration, and then my dad worked for about 10 years at a place called Five Acres, which was a place for kids who didn't have a home, like an orphanage. But the problem is, whenever you get a job where your clients have no money, whether they're kids that have been thrown out of their house or crazy vets, they don't have. When your clients have zero money, that means you ain't getting paid. It means then somebody's gonna decide how much to pay you. And guess what? It ain't gonna be too much because you're not bringing anything in.
- [70:21]
Kassim G
Also, you got to go where the work is. Like, if you're a visual, performing arts or theater major and you live in one of the 48 states that doesn't have a thriving theater community, you're not gonna make a lot of money. You're gonna be in community theater and things like that. But if you live in New York or Southern California, you might have a chance of making a living.
- [70:35]
Bald Brian
I'm laughing because you said make a lot of Money like a 40s reporter. You're not gonna make a lot of money. You're gonna make a last scratch. Let it dough. You hear me, Mammy? I loves you, Mammy. Hello, my baby hello, my honey hello, my honey hello, my rat. You want to be a sculptor, you see money. You want to work in oil, or you want to work in acrylics? That's your decision. You see what I'm saying? No. We got two kinds. We got yourself in our fine arts, and we got what's called abstract. You see, boys, you getting this down. You understand what I'm saying? 22 Skidoo.
- [71:09]
Kassim G
Feel like you may be mitigating my point.
- [71:10]
Bald Brian
Okay. Sorry.
- [71:12]
Allison Rosen
I'm surprised you can't major in being a shipping magnate.
- [71:16]
Bald Brian
Yeah, that's right. That's right. Hey, doll, what are you doing for the rest of your life?
- [71:22]
Allison Rosen
Why, I'm just hanging out here.
- [71:24]
Bald Brian
How about you get together with me and the NASCAR joins? We're gonna get a little spin around this block. What do you say? I got my studs bearcat out there, my raccoon coat for both of ya.
- [71:33]
Allison Rosen
I'm in. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen.
- [71:40]
Bald Brian
Disappointed about the news tonight. What's up? Are you okay?
- [71:44]
Allison Rosen
I'm good. Well, it's just wrap the news after this story. We had that note when there's so much good news. But it'll keep for tomorrow.
- [71:50]
Bald Brian
All right, that was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, Amber, Angela Cope, best of luck to you. I should give out the website, by the way, because they got, they got a clothing line, Pink Candy boutique dot com. That is Pink Candy boutique dot com. Got the some cool race oriented stuff on the website. I'm imagining. Pink Candy Boutique. And where can we find you? Coming up, you can Twitter them Amber and Angela Cope and Facebook them at Amber Angelicope. Guys, you get the same Facebook and Twitter name.
- [72:32]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we also have, we also have our personal website, which for racing, which is Amber Angelicope.
- [72:37]
Bald Brian
They can also check out, check that out. Find out where these guys are going to be racing on a track near you. So until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Ball Bryan and Amber and Angela Cope and of course, Allison Rosen saying mahalo.
- [72:52]
Adam Carolla
That's funny.
- [73:00]
Giovanni
All right, There's Adam Cole Show 575. Coming up next, we have Adam K. Show 654, also from 2011. This one's featuring Shea Carl, Kassem G. Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.
- [73:16]
Bald Brian
That's Bald Brian. And over there is Allison. What?
- [73:21]
Allison Rosen
Oh, I get the areola.
- [73:23]
Bald Brian
Allison Rosen is running a couple of seconds late, but that's all right. We said, should we wait for Allison? And then Brian said I could just whip up virtual Allison.
- [73:33]
Allison Rosen
I just want to talk to the ace man.
- [73:35]
Bald Brian
And then I realized we don't need her. We've done whole shows with virtual Adam. You guys haven't even something in my butt. Yeah, so you guys don't even know it. Yeah, you can't, you can't tell. Let the baby have his bottle. It's Brian and his wizardry over there. That's right. Well, right now or moments earlier, my dog was getting its left ear removed.
- [73:59]
Allison Rosen
I have hemorrhoids.
- [74:00]
Bald Brian
Yes, a full ear removal. Poor Molly girl got cancer in her ear. And then I got the call from the surgeon.
- [74:10]
Kassim G
Flap of the ear, or like the ear workings?
- [74:13]
Bald Brian
The flap of the ear, but so that you can see the ear working. So not only am I going to have a dog where we can clearly see her butthole because her tail curves the wrong direction.
- [74:24]
Allison Rosen
There's something in my butt.
- [74:27]
Bald Brian
But now I'm going to be able to see what she's thinking. Thankfully, it's just a repetitive loop of snossiges, snossiges. That's all. That's all she thinks about. But then I got a call from the surgeon in the middle of the show or middle of the surgery. It's this weird moment where I guess they do this. I don't know. Am I sounding okay in these earphones? By the way, Jeff Fox sound good to me. Thanks, buddy. You always sound good to me.
- [74:58]
Allison Rosen
My ankles are too fat to kickbox with. God.
- [75:02]
Bald Brian
I got the call from the vet in the middle of the surgery saying the surgeon wants to talk to me. And I'm like, really? Don't you think she should just focus on. And by the way, this is one chick who announced when she was 9, I'm gonna be veterinarian, and actually carried through with it.
- [75:20]
Allison Rosen
So I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for him.
- [75:24]
Bald Brian
God knows what she looks like. That was my whole thing. Like every chick on the planet announces at age 9, I'm going to work with pets. And then at some point somebody says, you want to be a veterinarian, you got to go to school. And they go, oh, fuck that. I'm going to the beach. I mean, I'm good looking and occasionally some of the dumpy chicks who get left behind for the beach run, go. Eh, I guess I'll hit the books. And then they end up removing my dog's ear. Now listen, I got a garage full of tools, by the way. I could get that dog's ear off for pennies on the dollar. Pennies.
- [75:59]
Kassim G
He's probably a soldering iron, too.
- [76:01]
Bald Brian
Cauterize the wound when I'm done. Yeah, I don't think I'd go sawzall. I'd go with a tool called a nibbler. It's awesome. It looks like a drill gun, but it's a sheet metal nibbler. It's like electric scissors. Put the dog's ear in a bench vise. Don't worry, I'd lick her up good.
- [76:23]
Kassim G
Yeah, there's some kind of anesthesia.
- [76:26]
Bald Brian
I'd probably use the thing I use to bleed my brake system as a slow Jack Daniels drip on one of her paws. Put a little gaffer's tape around that, get her feeling no pain, and then just go ahead and cauterize the wound with the soldering iron and then finish the whole thing off with a little Henry's roofing tar, you know what I mean? For infection. Yeah.
- [76:49]
Kassim G
Just to seal it all up.
- [76:50]
Bald Brian
Yeah, seal it all up.
- [76:50]
Kassim G
That's probably smart.
- [76:51]
Bald Brian
Yeah. And then make a nice bongo drum out of whatever's left behind.
- [76:55]
Allison Rosen
I have a very small penis.
- [76:57]
Bald Brian
Then I got the call in the middle of the surgery from the pet clinic and they said, hey, is your wife there? And I said, no. And they said, oh, oh, can we talk to you? And I said, yeah, about what? And I was praying for Molly at that point. It wasn't one of those $8,000 life or death, you know, questions, because time to pull the plug and come home with the German shepherd puppy I got at the mill at that point. You know, kids have a pretty short memory and so do chicks, quite honestly. Now I'm convinced that if I said, look, Molly flatlined on the operating table, but I want you to meet Scrappy Doo. And I pulled out the little German shepherd puppy, they'd go from what to oh my God, she's so cute. Let's put a bow on her.
- [77:46]
Kassim G
I think that was the plot of the Sixth Day with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- [77:49]
Bald Brian
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So he shouldn't have written it down. No.
- [77:52]
Kassim G
Then there was a whole cloning thing and he ended up killing himself. A version of himself.
- [77:55]
Bald Brian
Alright, but the point is this. When did the movie come out?
- [77:59]
Kassim G
That was like 98 maybe. I think I was in college. Not a good film.
- [78:06]
Bald Brian
I'm not. It's still too close to 9 11, but I'm going to wait another 10 years and then tell people, convince them. Oh, I had a burgeoning action, you know, star career thing going. I was Armageddon. Sorry, Armageddon Carmageddon. That was coming out. But then 9 11, you know, you do one of these. It had a sort of terrorist thing to it. Everyone just sort of nods their head.
- [78:33]
Kassim G
It works a lot with like albums and singles. Like a hit single, ready to go. 911 fucked it all up.
- [78:38]
Bald Brian
2000, by the way, is when the 6 day came out. So the point is this. I get the call and she's in surgery. Kind of want to say, yeah, I hope you're on the Hands free system. And she's like, oh no, I got it. And I'm like, what's up? She goes, well, I think I can save part of the ear. I don't have to take the entire ear, the entire flap of the ear off. And then I can leave maybe half the ear, so she'll have something to sort of flap over, you know. And I said, well, that's good, because I was picturing staring at the inner workings my dog's ear the whole time. And ears, by the way, it's sort of like a doggy door to the world. It's like a bedazzled. A dog's ear is like a beautifully bedazzled doggie door. And on the other side of it is a really shitty kitchen.
- [79:33]
Allison Rosen
I agree with Charles Manson because the.
- [79:35]
Bald Brian
Ear itself is awesome. The dog ears, there's nothing better than when the dog does it, you know, the ears go flapping back and forth. And there's nothing better than doing that head scrub thing. And it's fun. I like to do the flying nun thing where I grab both ears and pull them out wide, all that kind of stuff.
- [79:49]
Kassim G
Does your dog have any sensation, by the way, in the ears themselves? My dog has almost none. I've pinched them, I've tied them, I.
- [79:55]
Bald Brian
Like chew on them and stuff like that. Yeah.
- [79:57]
Kassim G
They're often flopped up for like hours at a time.
- [79:59]
Bald Brian
Right? Yeah.
- [80:00]
Kassim G
That goes down. Right.
- [80:02]
Bald Brian
Don't feel anything. Oh, no. I've pierced them many times, but once you flap the ear. Ah, that's the sound that I was looking for. Thanks, Chris. Once you take the ear and you flap it back, it's a weird pink matrix in there full of weirdness and hair and a little wax and some scuba.
- [80:23]
Kassim G
It's like the service to the death star when Luke was flying over it.
- [80:26]
Bald Brian
Yeah, not pretty. Yeah, not pretty. Once you flap that. Once you flap that ear back. So I didn't want to look at that weird, you know, maze of pink. So she said that the dog might have half an ear enough to flap down.
- [80:44]
Kassim G
She's making cosmetic decisions.
- [80:45]
Bald Brian
Yes. And. Well, no, it's a money thing. And it was funny. And she said, you know, the hair will grow out, maybe cover some of it. I was picturing growing the hair, you know, I was picturing a nice comb over style thing. Like we could actually, like a bad news anchor from the 70s, you know, like boat ear. Yeah. And then I started thinking, yeah, all right, we'll comb some of the ear out. Sort of, sort of shape, comb, comb the hair out. Shape it to a little point at the end, you know, she's not winning any competitions in the looks department anyway. She's getting a little bit older. She's got this weird shaved belly. I don't know what's going on with that. Point is, is the reason she called is to do this one, you know, the courtesy call that's essentially saying we may have to charge you more money down the road and we want to make you aware of it right now. And you have to sign off on it now because later on, if shit happens, we're going to hit you up for more money. But we're not going to say it that way. But that's essentially what we mean. Phone call. That was the phone call. So she gave the. I think I can keep half the year.
- [81:47]
Kassim G
Strategic too, because when you call as the operating doctor from the operating table, it's sort of like a, hey, this needs to be done. There's no thinking about this.
- [81:55]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it's not like strategic. You know, I like to have a couple of cold ones, go on a long drive and really do some soul searching here now.
- [82:02]
Kassim G
Make a pro con list.
- [82:04]
Bald Brian
And by the way, they're smart because they don't go for the money. They go for the heart. Meaning, is your wife home now? Do you know where she is? Can you contact her? Because my wife just works the spigot that money comes out of, but she never refills the hopper. I'm the guy with the heavy sack going in and out of the mine shaft, dragging over both shoulders, over both. The stick with the hollowed out gourds filled with the ore in.
- [82:37]
Allison Rosen
And what does it do me now?
- [82:38]
Bald Brian
Even though out of the. Out of the mine shaft and back and forth, and then I dump it, sweat pouring off my brow, she just turns a spigot. So when the doctor says to her, hey, can you hold the spigot open for another five Mississippi? She's like, why you? What about it? No problemo. You know, it's so funny. I have this conversation all the time and you tell me I got a bonus for the book. I got a bonus because the book made it into the black. And once you get past a certain point, they give you some money. And they gave me like $28,000 or something. After people, agents and managers and people, you know, after people dipped in, I was left with like $28,000. And I thought, you know, I had to give Mike Lynch a little taste of that because he worked so hard on the book. I should give him little. That a boy. Now, you know, I didn't have to say anything to him. I could have just cashed my bonus check and, you know, contractually that wasn't part of the deal. I paid him to do what he did, but he did a good job and I thought he should Be part of it. Alison Rosen. Just dump coffee all over Euro to.
- [83:56]
Allison Rosen
Horny and 2.5 beers.
- [83:58]
Bald Brian
Yeah, all over my beautiful carpet. Oh, it was just cleaned. Oh, the humanity.
- [84:04]
Allison Rosen
I think it's an improvement, actually, so. Hey, Aceman. I'm not going to finish this. Want it? Was that Orange county hour and 20 minute traffic.
- [84:12]
Bald Brian
Also, you can. I can dig it. I can dig it.
- [84:14]
Allison Rosen
And as a girl, I'm not nimble in the like. Oh, we're gonna move up the schedule an hour. I've got hair.
- [84:21]
Bald Brian
Yeah, no, I understand.
- [84:22]
Allison Rosen
I'm not even talking about the hair on my head.
- [84:23]
Bald Brian
Wow.
- [84:24]
Allison Rosen
I had to straighten my pubic hair. Do you know how long that takes?
- [84:27]
Bald Brian
We went with the Brazilian style straightening. What do they call that? Hot comb?
- [84:31]
Allison Rosen
The fda, I think just.
- [84:32]
Bald Brian
Oh. They got rid of those chemicals.
- [84:34]
Allison Rosen
So I have the Japanese straighten my pubic hair.
- [84:36]
Bald Brian
Oh, man.
- [84:37]
Allison Rosen
Find people who are willing to do that.
- [84:38]
Bald Brian
Well, it's funny. I was just talking about my dog and her hair and her ear. Her ear's being amputated today.
- [84:44]
Allison Rosen
I just split up with my girlfriend. But like the Japanese. Japanese say, there'll be another one floating by any minute. I don't know if you're ever saying that.
- [84:52]
Kassim G
You should listen to this episode later because Virtual Allison had a field day.
- [84:55]
Bald Brian
Yeah. You're awesome. Yeah, I can leave if she's better. Please. I suggest giving her a raise. The thing. So Molly's ears being removed. I was talking about money. I was talking about my wife. And, well, two good stories.
- [85:13]
Allison Rosen
She thinks she's all that because she's wearing status tampons.
- [85:17]
Bald Brian
I have this conversation all the time where I go, half the money's yours, so you should see about hanging onto it.
- [85:25]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [85:25]
Bald Brian
You know what I mean? And these conversations usually come after little incidents. Like, my buddy Daniel calls and goes, hey, do you want to go to Mr. Chow's with me and the wife? And I go, yeah, me and my wife will go out with you and your wife to Mr. Chow's. I don't like going to those places because to me, they're just expensive and trendy. And you're not going to do much better in the fucking Pan Express or whatever for me. But no, no, seriously, though, what is the good place?
- [85:59]
Kassim G
Sushi or Chinese restaurant?
- [86:00]
Bald Brian
Chinese. Yeah.
- [86:02]
Allison Rosen
Mr. Chow's.
- [86:03]
Kassim G
I don't know of any good Chinese restaurants. Matahisha.
- [86:05]
Bald Brian
Whatever. Bistro.
- [86:07]
Allison Rosen
Bamboo Bistro.
- [86:08]
Bald Brian
No shit. Sorry, dude. I'll work it out. All right, the one that's right up here and over in Burbank over there. Where they bring your food out.
- [86:15]
Allison Rosen
Cashew Chicken Bistro.
- [86:16]
Bald Brian
There you go. No, let's see. Over Moo Shoe Bistro. Oh, shit. It's a chain. Ching Pow.
- [86:22]
Kassim G
P F Chang's.
- [86:23]
Bald Brian
Yeah, P F Chang's. Yeah. Pf Chang's good.
- [86:26]
Kassim G
Yeah, Pf Chang's is fine.
- [86:27]
Bald Brian
Oh, God damn. You make 35 years. They don't have praline butter.
- [86:31]
Kassim G
They don't have praline butter.
- [86:33]
Bald Brian
P F Chang's is good Chinese food. It's as good as Chinese you need, and especially with the kids, but it's as good as we need. That's good. But anyway, we're going to Mr. Chow's, and, you know, Daniel's doing what Daniel does. He's getting the five appetizers and the three appletinis and all that kind of stuff. And at the end of the fucking day, it's $500 check. And they sort of set it down, and you've heard the story, you know, Daniel starts reaching for his credit card, I reach for my credit card, and it's one of those, all right, it's 500 bucks. Neither one of us really has a job. Just split it, you know? And Lynette gives the, oh, no, no, no. And I give the, oh, yes, yes, yes. Which, of course, is uncomfortable at this point. But they asked us out to dinner. What the fuck are you diving on the check for? So I give her the, hey, sweetie, that's half your bread you're giving away.
- [87:24]
Allison Rosen
She make it come out of her house.
- [87:25]
Bald Brian
He wanted to pay. He wanted to pay. So back to. Back to the dog. So they gave the call. They always call the wives because they know the wives are like, hey, listen, it's going to be another hundred thousand dollars to finish the surgery. And they go, absolutely. Whatever it takes for poofy. Yeah. There's another, you know, let's say it's $500,000. There's a 50. 50 chance she'll make it. We need the cash up front. And if she does make it, best case scenario, you have her until Halloween. It'd be like, absolutely. Okay, let's do it.
- [87:58]
Allison Rosen
It's like they're holding your pet's ransom.
- [87:59]
Bald Brian
Yeah. So they call my number, they call the house, and then they go, is your wife home? And I go, no, I'm home. Can we talk to your wife? Don't talk to me. Okay. So automatically they know, like, oh, shit. And I do believe I've always thought that at the vet, there's a different set of prices again. When you see Paris Hilton pull up with Tinkerbell under her arm and her pink Bentley. There's a party as a fucking. You gotta go. Cha Ching. Oh, okay. Whatever. As opposed to the chick in the beat up Subaru Outback who's clearly a semi homeless lesbian and is dragging the dog on a rope. The half breed on a rope.
- [88:44]
Allison Rosen
If I had a dog or were a lesbian, that would be me.
- [88:46]
Bald Brian
You know what I'm saying?
- [88:47]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. No, I do. The dog who only has one eye already.
- [88:49]
Bald Brian
Yeah. You literally know by the way that that person put out with a Tiparillo when she was drunk. The point is this. You're not gonna look at that person in their one. No. Their two good eyes and say, yeah, it's gonna be nine grand for the dog. Because they're gonna fuck that. My car and house combined aren't worth nine grand. So I'm convinced they do this.
- [89:09]
Allison Rosen
There's an art to gouging.
- [89:10]
Bald Brian
I think it's a subtle.
- [89:11]
Allison Rosen
You gotta figure out threshold.
- [89:14]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [89:14]
Kassim G
When the surgeon steps out of the room. Where are you going? I'm gonna call Corolla and try and upsell them on a half year. Make sure you whip out the gold sheet. The gold price sheet.
- [89:23]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Where's that laminate? So they said, we think we can save half the ear, but we don't have to take the whole ear off. We save half the ear.
- [89:33]
Allison Rosen
What happened to the ear? I don't know.
- [89:35]
Bald Brian
Molly got like some kind of cancer. I don't know. Had to get the ear removed. I thought the whole ear was going. It's just half the ear. And then. But gave the. But there's also the possibility that if we leave the half year there may be additional surgery required. Blah, blah, blah. It was basically. I'm now telling you this could cost you more money down the road, but I think it's not going to. But we should go for the half year. It'd be the biggest dick in the world. You know. My thing was take her whole head off. Let's really save some money here.
- [90:05]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [90:06]
Bald Brian
But they said we think we can pull it off. So right now they're pulling it off and comforting now. They said, we feel pretty good about this. But just so you know.
- [90:18]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [90:18]
Bald Brian
So right now Molly is convalescing.
- [90:21]
Allison Rosen
Poor Molly.
- [90:22]
Bald Brian
And Lynette's such a good woman. She got a pillowcase from our bed to bring, you know, to.
- [90:28]
Allison Rosen
Right. So that she would feel like you guys are right there. How much does this run? Someone? Just curiosity.
- [90:37]
Bald Brian
I have to say. I don't Ask. Because at a certain point, first off, there's no good that can come from this. We did have a nice moment about a year and a half ago where Molly needed some surgery and some cancer and some whatever. And Lynette was like, it's 18. They said, 18,000 or $19,000. And I said, 18 or $19,000? And she said, yeah, yeah, so we're looking to schedule it. And I said, that's $20,000 with tax. That's a lot of money. And she said, well, I know, but that's how much it costs, so we're looking to schedule it. And I said, can you look around the Internet and do a little legwork and find out if this kind of procedure is $20,000? And she's like, yeah, I can check into it, but she's a good vet, and we know them, and we're gonna am. Whatever. And I was like, yeah, but $20,000? And she's like, did you hear Bruce.
- [91:50]
Allison Rosen
Do it for free?
- [91:51]
Bald Brian
I swear to God. And I said, well, look into it, would you? I mean, call them and ask them. Really? Said Twain. She well, okay, I'll call them. And then later on, I talked to her, and she was like, oh, it's $1,800. I was like, oh, okay. I can't tell you how many times, by the way, people have said to me, stuff like, how much you getting paid? They've been like, oh, they're paying you 200 grand. 200 grand? Oh, no, I mean, 20 grand. Like, I, like, don't do that. It fucks your shit up.
- [92:23]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [92:24]
Kassim G
Were you motivated to do the legwork yourself and get a second opinion? 20,000 or $18,000 is a very motivating figure.
- [92:31]
Bald Brian
I know. My thing was like, 1800. All right, go ahead. I've had chrome work on my car, done more than that, but 18 grand seemed like, how about you hop on the Internet and, you know, ask your. Your dogster.com or whatever and figure out what the fuck? By the way, That's. I would just do the first part on Monday and then finish up on Tuesday getting. Yeah, this is what me hopping on the Internet sounds like. All right, so Molly's getting her ear removed, and hopefully she'll be okay. I'll keep you guys posted. And again, I don't want to know. I don't know. What am I going to do? Although maybe it's one of these things where there's some confusion, and he thinks it's $18,000, $1,800. I don't I don't know. I don't care. It's not like I'm going to be able to put the kibosh on it. And it's not going to be like, you know, I can go over there and do you know what your kind does so well? And, you know, get them down. So I'm just. I'm walking away. I just double, double down on the work.
- [93:47]
Kassim G
You know who else is in here today? Mike Dawson.
- [93:52]
Bald Brian
You got something? Roses are red, violets are blue. It's rare to find a foxy Jew, I'm told. I have boyish good looks and like to have a good time. So he's done banging Lisa Loeb and is coming in later. And I'm full of spunk, I gotta tell that. I mean, really, Lisa Loeb was coming into our radio show four years ago when she was doing her number one single show. And Dawson was wearing his nice flip flops that day. And his dress flops, the flip flops he wears to bar mitzvahs and funerals and his best board shorts. And I'm like, why are you all dude it up for? And he's like, didn't you hear, dude? Going out. At least the Loeb. And I'm like, you are? Absolutely. I didn't hear about this. Well, it's not official yet, but it's just a formality. And I'm like, well, have you talked to her? No. Well, who do you. Do you know someone who knows her? No. Well, how are you going out with her? I don't get it. Well, she's coming in today, isn't she? Yeah. She's single, right? I guess I've seen her show, dude. Thus, we're going out. And I was like, wow, that's. Where do you get that, by the way? I want a drop of that. I want a fucking hummingbird's beak of what you got going through. And he's like, she's single. We both play the acoustic guitar. We're going out.
- [95:14]
Allison Rosen
No, I'm the kind of person where even if I went out with someone, I wonder if we really went out.
- [95:17]
Bald Brian
I'm married to someone. I'm not sure if we're dating. And then afterward it was like, how'd it go there, Dawson? He's like, gave me the dude and come on, wake up, dude.
- [95:31]
Allison Rosen
That just means he's about to begin talking to you.
- [95:34]
Bald Brian
She basically said no, just walked away. But I mean, that morning, I think he's more confused, right? Like, what just happened?
- [95:43]
Allison Rosen
Up is down. Down is up.
- [95:44]
Bald Brian
Yeah. I had it in her keyster 10 minutes ago. What happened? Like, he was pretty much like Tony Romo after a football game. Like, I don't get it. The game was won. What happened? You know, you fumbled on the goal. Like, game over.
- [95:58]
Kassim G
Called the procedural penalty. You never heard it?
- [96:00]
Bald Brian
Walking away. Like Dawson's deal was, oh, yes, we're dating. He wanted to know why I kept asking questions.
- [96:08]
Allison Rosen
Right. What. What aren't you understanding about this, Adam?
- [96:11]
Bald Brian
Yeah, violets are blue. It's rare to find a foxy Jew.
- [96:15]
Allison Rosen
You only. But Mike lynch does not really have that distinction.
- [96:18]
Kassim G
That's what I like about when I brought the Stacy Cross story about me asking out the hottest girl on the floor in college. It was more for me. It was more like, I have nothing to lose, so I'm just gonna go for it full, full esteem and see what happens. And carts wall where they may.
- [96:33]
Allison Rosen
I've never even had that attitude about anything.
- [96:35]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [96:35]
Kassim G
So I feel like it's a distinction. I didn't ever thought she would go out with me.
- [96:38]
Bald Brian
And she did. No. No.
- [96:39]
Kassim G
But I thought, what I got to lose?
- [96:41]
Bald Brian
No, you have her now. You have your own narcissistic disorder, which is completely different from dogs.
- [96:46]
Kassim G
That's right.
- [96:47]
Bald Brian
That should be. Should be noted. Other things that should be noted. Evoice virtual phone number. Answers and routes calls to your home, your office, your cell. Makes you seem like a big shot, even if you. You're a little guppy. Never miss another call. Always maintain your professional image. Voicemails. This is the part we all love. Transcribed into easy to read emails and text messages.
- [97:10]
Allison Rosen
I just want to talk to the ace man.
- [97:12]
Bald Brian
That's right. Get your urgent calls now. Less important ones. You know, save them for later. A radically better phone number. Click on the banner@adamcarolla.com and try it out for six months for free. That's right. Free. Go to AdamCroll.com they're a great sponsor. I think there's a lot of folks that are starting their own businesses that could use the evoice and click through on our banner and try it out for free. Six months. All right. Allison Rosen, you got some news?
- [97:41]
Allison Rosen
I sure do.
- [97:42]
Bald Brian
Live from the International News center, next to Donnie's Mini Bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosenberg.
- [97:52]
Allison Rosen
Gays needed to quit being pussies and not be whining about something as insignificant as bullying. Tell virtual Allison to put a sock in it. The real ones here. Warner Brothers is fast tracking a new version of Point Break director Kathryn Bigelow's 1991 thriller starring. Keanu Reeves is a former college football quarterback who goes undercover to infiltrate a gang of surfers and bank robbers led by Patrick Swayze. Production company Alcon Entertainment said in a press release. The new version will be set in the world of international extreme sports. International extreme sports.
- [98:24]
Kassim G
Domestic.
- [98:26]
Bald Brian
The greatest moment of the first one, and I hope they have this in the second one, is when he's on the beach, Keanu Reeves playing touch up football with all the stoner surfer dudes. And they're like, hey, man, you're Johnny Utah. You blew out your ACL in the Cotton bowl nine years ago, didn't you, for Ohio State. And it's like, like, first off, surfers are the dumbest guys on the planet. Secondly, and I believe there's, if you'd like the equation, it's all the briny water, essentially, you're soaking your head, you're pickling your brain, you're soaking in a brine of salt water and sewage all day long. Number one. Also, you don't attend school when you're a surfer and you don't attend anything. Every surfer I've ever known is like, it fucking surfs up, you're gone. Or they're all Spicoli. And here's the thing that's ironic about surfers. Surfers do a very physical activity and it's a way of life for them. They have no interest in any other sport. There's no surfer dude who's playing rotisserie baseball or fantasy football and knows a single person in the NFL. I don't know why it works that way, but surfing is its own sport and surfers don't give a shit about other sports and know nothing about other sports.
- [99:49]
Kassim G
It's all encompassing as a lifestyle. You start to not care about other things like football and sports, right?
- [99:54]
Bald Brian
Except for they, they knew Johnny Utah blew out his ACL playing Nebraska in the Cotton bowl six years earlier.
- [100:03]
Kassim G
You know what I just noticed? They were, they were playing the clip without sound. They executed in the touch football game. They executed a perfect hook and ladder.
- [100:10]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it's sweet.
- [100:11]
Shay Carl
What does that ever happen also?
- [100:13]
Kassim G
Can't do that.
- [100:14]
Bald Brian
When am I ever gonna have one of these moments where we go to the beach at night and light it up for an impromptu game of whatever. You know that thing, it's in every movie. It's like you see the guy lighting the 55 gallon trash cans and illuminating. And all of a sudden we got, we got either fight or fuck or.
- [100:33]
Allison Rosen
Ball game or something kind of thing involving Chanting.
- [100:36]
Bald Brian
I feel like if I'd get five minutes into that activity, I wouldn't light the first barrel. And some guy with a windbreaker would show up and go, hey, wait. Fuck are you doing?
- [100:45]
Allison Rosen
Don't you see the sign?
- [100:46]
Bald Brian
And I'd go, hey, I'm making a hue. I'm illuminating the entire beach. That's why I have all these.
- [100:50]
Allison Rosen
Get the dog out of here.
- [100:51]
Bald Brian
Well, I got all these Jeeps pulled up on the sand in a circle with their high beams on. And he'd be like, you're getting a ticket. And you, get the fuck out of here. Look, we don't let you smoke on the beach. You think we'll let you light a 55 gallon. Tell your fucking friends to get out of here, too. Like, I don't feel like there's anything.
- [101:07]
Allison Rosen
And the man would put his boot in your neck on that one.
- [101:10]
Bald Brian
Every movie, there's a bonfire going, there's cars pulled up that when they're not.
- [101:15]
Kassim G
In Mexico, there's nowhere in LA that I know that you can bring alcohol onto the beach, let alone your car.
- [101:20]
Bald Brian
You couldn't get a fucking Coors Light onto the beach in LA if you keistered it.
- [101:25]
Allison Rosen
No, other than that, this movie was realistic.
- [101:27]
Bald Brian
If you put it into a fucking Snapple bottle and then shoved it up your ass, you'd get a ticket if you tried to. The beach is. By the way. The beach is essentially, I'm thinking, my butt. It's everything that's wrong with la. Because here's what the beach is for.
- [101:42]
Allison Rosen
Mexicans.
- [101:43]
Bald Brian
The beach. The beach is. Nah, that's the parks. The beach is this. The beach is for cracking a cold one. You're not operating heavy machinery at the beach. You know, the beach is smoking, cracking a cold one, throwing a tennis ball to your dog, lighting off a couple fireworks and having a little weenie roast or what have you. That's what the beach is. LA beaches are like none of the above. You get out there with your fucking zippy board, you do a lap, then get the fuck out of here. That's what it is. No alcohol, no dogs, no cigarettes, no fires, no food, no fun, no fucking nothing. That's la.
- [102:22]
Allison Rosen
No sand.
- [102:23]
Bald Brian
Yes.
- [102:24]
Allison Rosen
There's barely any sand.
- [102:25]
Bald Brian
Piece of shit.
- [102:25]
Allison Rosen
Now, see, because I grew up in Corona del Mar, there's something ingrained in me where I'm attracted to surfers. But can you think of a group of people that I would be less inclined to have a good relationship with?
- [102:37]
Bald Brian
No. And vice versa. No.
- [102:38]
Allison Rosen
It's like it's like they're doing wanting the thing that's the worst for you.
- [102:42]
Bald Brian
Well, yeah, it's taboo. Ah, my name is Tyrone. With Washington there, you want to go taboo?
- [102:47]
Kassim G
Maybe one group.
- [102:48]
Bald Brian
Let's work it that way.
- [102:49]
Allison Rosen
Now the point breaks.
- [102:51]
Bald Brian
Guessing Tyrone doesn't do a ton of surfing. He's probably longboard.
- [102:53]
Allison Rosen
Guys, the Point Break script was written by Kurt Wimmer, who did Salt and the upcoming Total Recall. And here's a statement from producer Michael DeLuca.
- [103:05]
Kassim G
Total recall rules.
- [103:06]
Allison Rosen
By the way, get ready for this statement. Point Break wasn't just a film. It was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century. And we hope to create the same for the young 21st.
- [103:22]
Bald Brian
Yeah, it also had that great scene too, that they do in every good cop action movie where the young cop shows up for his first day of work at the precinct or at the academy or at the FBI headquarters. And he's greeted with, hey, asshole. And it's like he goes, hi, I'm Agent Utah. Well, Agent Utah, I hope you fucking packed your lunch today because I'm gonna eat it for you. Now, listen, I forgot about two rules over here. And we don't eat donuts. And we don't talk about what? And it's like. And then they introduce them to their partner. And then their partners like, well, look what just rolled off the shit conveyor belt.
- [104:11]
Ron Jeremy
I suspect Gary's head injury is affecting his behavior.
- [104:14]
Bald Brian
Another greenhorn from Quantico. Well, listen, kid, if you don't want to be pissing blood, you stay next to me soon. And how about a donut? And it's like no one ever goes, hold on. Why are you guys being dicks? I just showed up. I'm trying to help.
- [104:31]
Allison Rosen
Right. Not a great way to greet new employees.
- [104:33]
Kassim G
Walker is mine.
- [104:34]
Bald Brian
I'm gonna go ahead and have you guys written up for being verbally abusive to me. I merely walked onto the premises. I work for the FBI. Same agency you work for. I got my license and my tin here and my gun. We're trying to stop this bank robbery. Why are you fucking yelling at me? And call me a douchebag, Right? I haven't even started yet. It's not like we had a disagreement in the parking lot. I just met. You.
- [105:00]
Allison Rosen
Have to surf before we actually do work. What does that have to do with anything?
- [105:04]
Bald Brian
Well, I could get into detail, but I don't want to ruin it.
- [105:08]
Kassim G
It's been some time since I've seen it. Busy's his partner and he's nice to him, right? They're both sort of like loose cannons who are being bullied by the other cops.
- [105:17]
Allison Rosen
He's not that much cannon at the beginning.
- [105:19]
Bald Brian
It starts off with not John C. Reilly, but C. John Riley or whatever. The John C. McGiney. Ted McGinley, Ted Williams.
- [105:28]
Kassim G
Sizemore's in it, right?
- [105:29]
Bald Brian
Ted Sizemore, Tom Sizemore, Jim McGinty. Right. Ted McGinley Jr. Ted Ginsey. Ted McGinley. Teddy Anson.
- [105:39]
Allison Rosen
McGinley from Too Close for Comfort.
- [105:42]
Bald Brian
Ted T. McGinley. Johnny McGinley. Johnny Utah, Jay McGinley. I know that guy. That guy's in all the Oliver Stone movies. Every movie. He's in every movie. And he sees, you know, when Johnny Utah shows up for his first day of work. And it's also. These guys are always clean scrubbed and trying to impress. And whether it's the drill sergeant or the lieutenant or the guy who's. Whoever's in charge. Get on your knees, scumbag. Always greets the new guy with a whole lot of fucking criticism and some curse words and real good dressing down. The reality is, people usually kind of nice at the beginning and then turn douchey later on, right? Either way. All right, so we got Point Break.
- [106:27]
Allison Rosen
Maybe that was in the script originally, but they edited it out so it was taking up too much time when the. Oh, hi. Where are you from?
- [106:33]
Bald Brian
You know what? I'll tell you the problem. The problem with all this stuff. Penny for your thoughts? Footloose is coming out. Total Recall. They're doing next year. RoboCop. They're doing next year. Weird Science, the Warriors, Judge Dredd. Really? Every damn night, Judge Dredd. It's kind of like, you know when they do those animated movies that don't do that well, and then you find out it's coming out part two, and you're like, did the first one do well enough to garner a part two or warrant a part two?
- [107:05]
Kassim G
Are they doing a sequel or a remake? Let's go on the list, and I'll tell you if this is a good idea or not.
- [107:09]
Bald Brian
All right. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, obviously, we just saw.
- [107:12]
Kassim G
Start with Total Recall again.
- [107:13]
Bald Brian
All right.
- [107:14]
Allison Rosen
Sorry, Brian, but could you make a mean good idea and a bad sound?
- [107:19]
Bald Brian
Total Recall.
- [107:19]
Kassim G
Good idea. It's a good movie and the effects are kind of dated.
- [107:24]
Bald Brian
RoboCop, great idea.
- [107:25]
Kassim G
It's a good movie and the effects are really dated.
- [107:27]
Bald Brian
Weird Science, That's a silly movie. Hold on a second. First off, it's a great movie. God damn you. You stood. But why? Yeah, Turn it up. All right, rewind. Rewind. All right, now here's. Give me a solid breakfast, Utah. All right, rewind it. This is Utah's first day at the agency.
- [107:53]
Ron Jeremy
Special Agent John Utah, day number one in la. Welcome aboard. We're going over your personnel record.
- [107:58]
Bald Brian
Very impressive. Thank you.
- [107:59]
Ron Jeremy
You may very well have been in.
- [108:01]
Bald Brian
The top 2% of your class at Quantico, but quite frankly, son, out here you have exactly zero hours of experience in the field. You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing.
- [108:09]
Ron Jeremy
If you even knew that you knew nothing, that'd be something.
- [108:11]
Bald Brian
But you don't. Yes, sir. Any solid breakfast, Utah? Sir. All the food groups, avoiding caffeine, sugar. I like to make sure that all my people maintain sound cardiovascular fitness. We don't drink and we sure as hell don't smoke. Sir, I take the skin off chicken. Good man.
- [108:25]
Ron Jeremy
This is U.S. bank robbery. And you are now in the bank.
- [108:29]
Bald Brian
Robbery capital of the world.
- [108:30]
Kassim G
1322 last year in LA County.
- [108:32]
Bald Brian
Up 26% from the year before. That's correct.
- [108:34]
Ron Jeremy
And we nailed over 1,000 of them.
- [108:36]
Bald Brian
Ms. Dear, take a look at that for me. Thank you. Do you know how we nail the bad guys, Utah? Do you know how we nail them?
- [108:43]
Ron Jeremy
By crunching data, good crime scene work.
- [108:46]
Bald Brian
Good lab work, and most importantly, good data based analysis. Special Agent Utah, are you receiving my signal? Zero distortion, sir. I love these things.
- [108:59]
Allison Rosen
See a donut, he didn't take the skin off first.
- [109:02]
Bald Brian
Yeah, you're a real Blue Flame Special, aren't you, sir? There we go. Young, dumb and full of calm. I know. What I don't know is how.
- [109:11]
Ron Jeremy
How you got yourself assigned out here to Los Angeles with us.
- [109:15]
Bald Brian
I mean, how?
- [109:16]
Ron Jeremy
I guess we just must have ourselves.
- [109:17]
Bald Brian
An asshole shortage, huh? Well, top 2% of Quantico, right? Not so far. Not too bad. Let Alabama Sugar Ball.
- [109:26]
Kassim G
I could have been doing Game Day for espn. You could have been Lee Corso on the sidelines.
- [109:30]
Bald Brian
Instead, I have to be verbally assaulted by a guy in a homoerotic rant.
- [109:35]
Allison Rosen
Right. Young, dumb, full of come, I hope.
- [109:38]
Kassim G
And then a wink.
- [109:38]
Bald Brian
I like that one too. Where it's like they go. Yeah, you're number one in your class over at Quantico and you led your team to win in the Sugar Bowl. But you don't know. You know less than you don't even know. You don't know. You don't even know. If I know. If you know.
- [109:51]
Allison Rosen
Do you know that What's a blue. Your. What's a Blue Flame Specialist.
- [109:55]
Bald Brian
What does that Mean, young, dumb, full of come. It's just one of those things where if you make an action movie, the new guy needs to be dressed down. You cannot do an action movie. There's two things you can't do in an action movie. You got the phone. You got a phone. Sound effect. You can't have this. Can't have the phone ring. Hello? Hello? Hi. Oh, good. I'm glad you called. Great. I'm having an awesome day. How are you doing? Okay. Okay. So be out on Old Pier 39. Well, good enough then. Oh, wait a second. Let me write that down. I don't want to forget. Did you say new Pier 30? Oh, old Pier 39. Gotcha. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye bye. Bye bye. Yeah. Yeah. If you're lucky, you'll get the guy's last name. Cheat him. Yeah. Mm. Hi. You never get that. They don't even say hello. They just say, yeah, yeah, so?
- [111:01]
Allison Rosen
Or they go, utah.
- [111:02]
Bald Brian
Yeah, you'll get the last name said in a scary way, but you'll never get hello. By the way, don't these guys, fucking moms ever call them, like, hey, I know, dick. Drop the attitude. Geez. I was calling to ask you out to dinner, but fuck it, now, they don't do that. And the other thing you don't do is the first day. It's never like this. Oh, you're John Utah. Hi, my name is Steve Ward. I'm really glad to meet you. I've heard a lot of great things about you.
- [111:25]
Allison Rosen
I Facebooked you. Turns out we both know Penny.
- [111:28]
Bald Brian
Yeah, and you know what? I'm a little into astrology. I know. You're Libra. I'm a Gemini. That's a good thing. Come on in. Let me introduce you to the fellas.
- [111:37]
Kassim G
Angela at the front desk got some W9s for you to fill up. You take your time with those.
- [111:41]
Bald Brian
The pens are in the office right now. Here's the thing.
- [111:44]
Allison Rosen
Those vending machines never work. We all go to the ones on the floor above.
- [111:48]
Bald Brian
That's just a little tip, but I'm making a kookaroo run later. So tell me what you're down with.
- [111:53]
Allison Rosen
We'll send out around a list, and everyone puts down their order.
- [111:56]
Kassim G
Yeah, on this Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Friday. So go ahead and wear your best or brightest Hawaiian shirt.
- [112:01]
Allison Rosen
That's Glenn. He's kind of a dick.
- [112:03]
Bald Brian
Yeah, he'll soften up. I don't. I mean, don't take this in spirit in which it's intended. When we pass around the lunch list, put your Full name on there. Because we have a lot of guys named Kirk. Okay.
- [112:14]
Allison Rosen
Okay.
- [112:15]
Bald Brian
But just the last initial. If it's too much hassle to write your full name.
- [112:18]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [112:18]
Bald Brian
Okay.
- [112:19]
Allison Rosen
Okay.
- [112:19]
Bald Brian
Yeah. All right. Moving forward, then. Let's get you fitted for a blazer. Now, it's never that. You real Blue Flame Special, aren't you, son? And the person who's getting it never goes, why? Being a dick.
- [112:31]
Allison Rosen
And also, the person never says, why are we walking so quickly? And where are we going when we're having this conversation? They're always moving.
- [112:38]
Bald Brian
I don't know where we're going. I don't even have a fucking cubicle yet. What's the rush, right? All right. Well, anyway. Judge Dredd, horrible idea. That movie sucked. Warriors.
- [112:49]
Kassim G
Shouldn't they remake bad movies, though? They remake good movies and they're never as good.
- [112:53]
Bald Brian
So why shouldn't the strategy be to make one? You fucked up. Yeah.
- [112:56]
Kassim G
Make a judge. I like a popular comic book. They should give it a shot again.
- [112:59]
Bald Brian
Redo. All right. Rise the planet apes. Already did the thing I never got. That was a good movie. All right. All right. Taking a Pelham One Two Three. They remade that. Yeah.
- [113:09]
Kassim G
That was a Travolta.
- [113:10]
Bald Brian
Karate Kid. They remade that. Tron Legacy. The A Team. Fright Night.
- [113:18]
Kassim G
I heard that was okay.
- [113:19]
Bald Brian
Conan the Barbarian. I was never into that. Felt too homoerotic for me. True grit. Now there's a good idea.
- [113:26]
Kassim G
Good movie.
- [113:26]
Bald Brian
Second. That's the Coen Brothers. Yeah. Transformers.
- [113:30]
Kassim G
Fuck, yes.
- [113:31]
Bald Brian
The Smurfs. No, Arthur. Didn't turn out so well. Green Lantern. Not so good. Green Hornet. Not so good. Thor. Captain America. Yogi Bear. Spider Man. All right. Culliver's Travels. Oh, that was terrible. Yeah.
- [113:47]
Kassim G
That was like a zero. That was like a 2% of rotten tomatoes.
- [113:50]
Bald Brian
I saw that on a fucking airplane. Yeah. Wow. They're like, hey, you bought a $3,000 ticket to go to New York. We're gonna punish you now. Real Blue Place special, aren't you, sir?
- [114:00]
Kassim G
Blue Flame Special.
- [114:01]
Bald Brian
Oh, yeah. Sorry. What if we have a special plate, by the way? I don't know. The blue plate special is what you get at the diner. That shit on a shingle.
- [114:08]
Allison Rosen
Potatoes.
- [114:09]
Bald Brian
I don't know what the Blue Flame Special is.
- [114:10]
Kassim G
You know, it'd be a bold move for the remake of Point Break.
- [114:12]
Allison Rosen
Maybe. It means you burn really hot.
- [114:13]
Kassim G
Rehire Kathryn Bigelow to direct because she's gotten. She did the Herd Locker and won the Oscar. So she's got Gone on to bigger and better things.
- [114:20]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Have her redirect yeah, she's good. All right, well, where were we?
- [114:24]
Allison Rosen
Next month Playboy will only cost 60 cents. It's part of a promotion for the new show Playboy Club, which takes place in the 60s. So they're featuring the 1960s price. Laura Benanti, one of the series stars, is on the COVID Yeah. Who pays for porn anymore?
- [114:39]
Bald Brian
I want to start a. That's a good point. I want to start a business where we do that thing where we go, we're rolling our prices, but instead of back to the 1950s, ahead 50 years.
- [114:50]
Allison Rosen
That's smart.
- [114:51]
Bald Brian
Yeah. How much is that cheeseburger? $1300. Oh, it's. It's 2,035 beef's illegal. Cows have been almost destroyed.
- [115:05]
Allison Rosen
I like it. I'm trying to think what's a movie or show that takes place in the future that could.
- [115:10]
Bald Brian
Total recall prices.
- [115:12]
Kassim G
Yeah, you're on Mars. You're eating cows or extinct.
- [115:14]
Bald Brian
Yeah, we're rolling ahead to total recall prices.
- [115:17]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [115:18]
Bald Brian
By the way, you know those diners that provide you with, or even worse yet, the high end steak joints which provide you, or at least have posted on the wall, the original menu from 1921. And you're looking at a T bone steak for $1.27. And a potato comes with a blow job and that's free. And it's like, it's cute and everything.
- [115:41]
Allison Rosen
But you can also order it on the side.
- [115:43]
Bald Brian
But now I'm looking at my price for $41 for the T bone and I'm pissed, right? Like this ain't helping. I don't feel good now.
- [115:51]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, about this, they shouldn't do that.
- [115:53]
Bald Brian
It's cute. But what they should do is fuck with the prices, you know, make the t bone like $29 and you go, well, it's only gone up $7 in 81 years. Not too bad. Yeah. All right.
- [116:06]
Allison Rosen
They should really do that. Have you ever framed a dollar bill? You know how a lot of establishments do that?
- [116:10]
Bald Brian
No.
- [116:11]
Allison Rosen
Nor have I. Nor have I. Sarah Silverman gained 20 pounds for her first nude scene in Sarah Polley's upcoming movie, Take this Waltz.
- [116:20]
Bald Brian
Yeah. She told me she was naked and then she told me that she didn't take. I think she said she didn't clean herself up down there too much.
- [116:31]
Allison Rosen
Right. Because Sarah Pauli wanted the women to look real and natural and lumpy, which is why she gained the weight.
- [116:38]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Let me say this about the directors. It's like when I was making out with the 65 year old woman in the man show. Bit Where I had to have sex with my mom. What they want and what you want are oftentimes very different. Like, I mean he's just like standing there going, yeah, we're in our bed, like my shirt's off and stuff. And he's like, it looks like you're fake kissing her. Because I am fake kissing the 65 year old woman I've never met in my life. Yeah, but really I want to see like some tongue and some action and some really be passionate, you know. And it's like, I know that's what you want. I'm the fucking one who's French kissing the 65. I'm the one who's getting the polydent shower over here. The fucking 65 year old woman, my shirt off my bed, you know. And she's like, yeah, fucking Matt Silverstein, he's twisted. But he's like, yeah, it's coming. More tongue, more tongue and stuff. And so I know the director once said, I want you to look natural, I want you to be whatever. But the chicks, they want to be spray tanned and nicely coiffed and whatever. But Sarah Silverman was telling me when we were driving around the other day that she was naked. I think she's doing like a preemptive naked strike on this. Like telling everybody.
- [117:52]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [117:52]
Bald Brian
And I, I don't have that. I gotta see her naked jean.
- [117:57]
Allison Rosen
Even knowing she gained £20 to be lumpy for the role.
- [118:00]
Bald Brian
I don't. Oh, by the way, I, I don't. She didn't say that part, so I don't know if that's in there.
- [118:06]
Allison Rosen
Did she look chunkier?
- [118:08]
Bald Brian
No, she always looks good. But I feel I'm the opposite of a lot of people in that I don't want to see my friends naked. Feels weird. It feels weird to me. Maybe that's, you know, if I was in high school. Don't worry, I'd be all over this, you know, Young, dumb, full of cum.
- [118:24]
Allison Rosen
You are real blue flame special, right? Well, especially knowing that your friend had gone out with her. That is the make it even.
- [118:29]
Bald Brian
Oh no, I beat off to Jimmy.
- [118:32]
Allison Rosen
I have friends who worked in a bar and there was a room upstairs and they drilled holes in the wall so that they could watch each other having sex with women. But still, there's something super gay about that, don't you think? Or have you watched your friend having sex?
- [118:47]
Bald Brian
Yes, perfectly normal.
- [118:48]
Allison Rosen
Does everyone do this? Did I miss a rite of passage?
- [118:51]
Bald Brian
If you have a roommate who gets laid a lot.
- [118:57]
Allison Rosen
A real blue flame special.
- [118:59]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Young, dumb, and used to be full of cum. Now it's on the comforter.
- [119:02]
Allison Rosen
Young, dumb. I'm full of socks.
- [119:04]
Bald Brian
Milk of cum. If you have one of those roommates and you guys go out drinking and you go crash out in your one bedroom with your other roommate and you hear noises coming from the other room at 1am and you still got a buzz going, oh, yes, you will be peeking around that corner. Ain't no two ways about that.
- [119:28]
Allison Rosen
And there's no shame. That's just accepted. So you're watching your. Your friend.
- [119:33]
Bald Brian
It's not only. It's an obligation. It's not.
- [119:35]
Allison Rosen
Okay, I get it.
- [119:37]
Bald Brian
You don't have a choice.
- [119:38]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, no, I know. You're just following the rules.
- [119:40]
Bald Brian
Yeah, I didn't make them.
- [119:41]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [119:42]
Bald Brian
I just beat off.
- [119:42]
Allison Rosen
You're a real Utah.
- [119:44]
Bald Brian
Yeah, that's the news.
- [119:46]
Allison Rosen
I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it.
- [119:50]
Bald Brian
That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right. Our guest, Shay Carl and Kasim G. These guys are YouTube sensations. I don't know if you guys have checked out the shaytards on the YouTube or CASM G, but very entertaining. Very entertaining. And millions of YouTube subscribers. So we'll take a quick break. Yeah, we'll bring them out here and we'll get it done. Next, Shay Carl is here from the Shaytards. And Cassim G is here from Cassim G. Yeah. YouTube, baby. Get used to it. All over it. One million subscribers. Unbelievable.
- [120:36]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, he must be talking about you, Shay. My number's a little higher.
- [120:39]
Bald Brian
Ah, he's gotten. So how did it all get started? Where? Where's it begin?
- [120:45]
Ron Jeremy
Chase story is much more interesting than mine.
- [120:47]
Shay Carl
Yeah, mine started when I decided to buy a laptop. My first laptop. I was 27, living in Idaho with my wife and three kids. And I thought, I'm gonna. I'm a. I'm an adult now. I should have a computer. So I bought a laptop and ended up staying up all night long watching YouTube videos. I thought I could do that.
- [121:03]
Bald Brian
And you were in Utah. You're Mormon? Yeah.
- [121:06]
Shay Carl
Idaho. I was in Idaho.
- [121:07]
Bald Brian
Idaho. Sorry. Mormon. And it says here you're a granite laborer. But what'd you do, Install countertops or something?
- [121:13]
Shay Carl
Yeah, Yeah, I had for about three years. I worked, you know, cut, polished, installed countertops. And then I started my own business.
- [121:20]
Bald Brian
You can say fabricator.
- [121:21]
Shay Carl
I fabricated it. I'm a fabricator master.
- [121:24]
Bald Brian
It's tough.
- [121:25]
Shay Carl
It is. I like my job a lot better now. Yeah, you breathe like the dust. There's like silica in this dust.
- [121:30]
Bald Brian
When you polish it yeah, you gotta do everything like a wet sawn a.
- [121:34]
Shay Carl
Diamond blade in the wintertime in Idaho. You're standing there like. Like in full. Like, rain gear, wet polishing granite.
- [121:40]
Ron Jeremy
Is granite still in? Is that still something people.
- [121:42]
Shay Carl
It's classic.
- [121:42]
Ron Jeremy
What do you have at your house?
- [121:43]
Bald Brian
Yeah, I'm a marble man. But granite people use. Because granite's a lot harder than marble.
- [121:49]
Shay Carl
Yeah, marble's more porous also.
- [121:50]
Bald Brian
Yeah. And I'll tell you in a life where you go, you know when people tell you, well, it's this much for this hotel room, or this much for that car, or this much for that steak. And you go, wow, that's expensive. Granite is one of these things where if you ever go to the yard and you see the slabs, because they dig the slabs out and they come from all over, whatever, and they're huge. They're my 8 foot by 10 foot or whatever. And you pick out your countertop, you walk, and you see the raw granite. There's a thing. If you ever want to feel good about yourself, you go up and you'll see something, and the guy will go, well, this one is 200 billion years old. And you go, right? And it goes, those there, those are fossils from dinosaurs. And you go, okay. And he goes, it was taken from a volcano in Palermo and then cut up with a huge diamond saw and shipped over here. And you go, how much is it? And they go, $700. That seems reasonable.
- [122:49]
Shay Carl
I'll get it.
- [122:49]
Bald Brian
That seems reasonable, considering it weighs 3 tons and it was shipped over from Palermo and it was taken from a fucking volcano and it's 3 billion years old. Yeah. $18 a square foot seems pretty reasonable to me.
- [123:04]
Allison Rosen
I don't know. I'm a Formica lady myself.
- [123:06]
Shay Carl
You're from Iowa.
- [123:07]
Ron Jeremy
I have Formica.
- [123:08]
Bald Brian
So you're there. You're in Idaho.
- [123:12]
Shay Carl
Yep, in Idaho.
- [123:12]
Bald Brian
You're doing granite fabrication.
- [123:14]
Shay Carl
I was a real estate agent and a granite laborer. I had my own. I started my own business. And I knew I didn't want to do it because it just. It's horrible work. It's heavy and like. Just like we talked about. So then I started calling this radio station every morning. They had this thing called the Answers Never Dirty. So I'd call in and, yeah, it's just like that. And I somehow got the nickname Croquet Shay, because you'd never know what the answer is because it's some, you know, random question, like, 30% of women like this in bed. Maybe it's like they like linen pillows or whatever. It is. So the answer is never dirty, but the question seems dirty. So we'd always call in and say, it's something about croquet. And then I became croquet Shay. And then they said, if you stop calling in every morning, we'll give you your own segment on Wednesdays. So I got into what a way.
- [123:57]
Ron Jeremy
To get rid of you.
- [123:57]
Shay Carl
Yeah, I was like, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. So I got this gig where I was a judge for Doghouse Wednesday. People couples would call in and I would say, like, if they're in trouble or not.
- [124:07]
Bald Brian
And so that was between ass crack and back sack in the morning. And Boomer. Boomer the nooch and the drive time.
- [124:14]
Shay Carl
Yeah, it was six. Six to ten in the morning. That was the morning. It was like a top. It was like a, you know, like. Like Kiss or.
- [124:20]
Bald Brian
Yeah, what kind of. What's like top 40?
- [124:22]
Shay Carl
It was top 40. You know, just like Miley Cyrus and all that.
- [124:26]
Ron Jeremy
Real similar to amp.
- [124:28]
Bald Brian
Oh, yeah. It's important. Whenever you get a job as a dj, they go, what kind of music do you hate? You go, I hate the top four. And they go, great, we got a format. So there you are, doing that, doing that.
- [124:42]
Shay Carl
And then I start getting into YouTube. I get this computer because I feel like, oh, I'm a radio DJ now. I should have a of lot. So I get this laptop, and I literally was 27 years old. I had never taken a typing class. I had never taken a computer class in my entire life. I get this laptop. I ended up staying up all night on YouTube. I started channel. I started uploading these crazy videos that I just had, like me and a unitard. I wore my wife's unitard. Like the first video I ever uploaded. And these are just videos I just thought, I'm gonna put up there. And they didn't get any views. So I started just getting into the community of YouTube. You know, this is we're talking about.
- [125:11]
Bald Brian
Like, four years ago, right?
- [125:12]
Shay Carl
And it was just starting, you know, and there had already been people that were doing it and making money at, you know, making YouTube videos. And I found this out. I was like, you can make money on YouTube, right? So I watched a few people. You know, Philip DeFranco is one of the first persons that I ever watched, you know, Sexy Phil. And he kind of helped promote me. And he had a big following at the time. I think at the time, he had like 60 or 70,000 subscribers. And that was huge. I was like, he has more subscribers than the town I live in that watch his videos. And so I thought that was super exciting. And then I just got started and, you know, it's been a full time job for the last four years.
- [125:44]
Bald Brian
How much granite work can you do in a town that small? Because granite lasts 2,000 years.
- [125:48]
Shay Carl
I know, yeah, there's three. There's three dudes that do it in town. And then when I started, I was like the fourth.
- [125:53]
Ron Jeremy
So Mormon, man. There are a lot of kids growing up and buying houses.
- [125:58]
Bald Brian
All the granite guys out here are all Middle Eastern dudes, by the way.
- [126:02]
Shay Carl
Oh, are they?
- [126:03]
Bald Brian
There's different ethnicities are assigned to different jobs.
- [126:08]
Shay Carl
And that's the.
- [126:09]
Bald Brian
That's their whitey does the framing and the finish. The Mexicans do the masonry work, the Middle Eastern guys do the granite work and the stone work. And black guys wear windbreakers to make sure nothing gets stolen. That's how it works. All right, Kassim, what about your. What's your story?
- [126:28]
Ron Jeremy
You know, I started doing stand up and improv years ago and, you know, I found out, similar to Shay, I found out there was a community on the Internet and a whole group of people that were essentially making their own content and, you know, saying fuck you to the man. And I was all about that.
- [126:48]
Bald Brian
You're Egyptian, right?
- [126:49]
Ron Jeremy
I'm half Egyptian, half Jordanian. Yeah. I'm the granite guy.
- [126:55]
Bald Brian
Yeah, you should be handling granite out here.
- [126:58]
Shay Carl
I love when we talk about young.
- [126:59]
Ron Jeremy
Dumb and full of granite.
- [127:01]
Bald Brian
Real brown flame special, aren't you, son? So sorry. So stand up.
- [127:07]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah. So I was doing stand up for a couple years and I started playing around with sketch comedy and tried to make. Make videos online and there was a few people that liked them. I couldn't believe that people were actually watching them. But then they caught on and I started doing this man on the street series. And I started doing this series where I interviewed porn stars in a very James Lipton.
- [127:30]
Bald Brian
Way.
- [127:31]
Ron Jeremy
And those caught on and those got big. And here I am just kind of like in this whirlwind.
- [127:36]
Bald Brian
How do you. I don't know anything about YouTube. How do you monetize it?
- [127:41]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, well, you become what's called a YouTube partner after a while. So you put up videos and YouTube looks at you and says, oh, this guy's providing content to our site. Let's bring him in for half of the ad sales that we make, because advertisers go to YouTube. They say, we want to say, if you're Pepsi, we want to put our Pepsi little box ads on the corner of the page while your videos playing YouTube's getting paid on that. All YouTube does is go, okay, well, we'll share that with you. Right, so then now you're making half the money that YouTube would be making, which is cool. And then if you end up getting a lot more hits and views and the money goes up and then you can hopefully make a living off of it.
- [128:14]
Bald Brian
Right. And you guys both making a decent living off the YouTube right now.
- [128:18]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, I'd say Shay is, but he's got a lot of mouths to tell.
- [128:23]
Shay Carl
Yeah, I got four kids, but we are. I mean, it's been my full time job and it's been my full time revenue for the last solid three years now.
- [128:30]
Bald Brian
Four kids?
- [128:31]
Shay Carl
Yeah, four kids.
- [128:32]
Bald Brian
How many of them do you love?
- [128:33]
Shay Carl
Like, there's one that I like a lot.
- [128:35]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [128:35]
Shay Carl
And I feel like if the house is on fire, I'd probably definitely go for that one first.
- [128:39]
Bald Brian
Number three. Number three, the best. Yeah.
- [128:43]
Kassim G
Remember last night we were talking about guys who are married but don't wear the wedding ring. You gotta throw that.
- [128:49]
Shay Carl
Here's my story. I out fatted my wedding ring.
- [128:53]
Bald Brian
Oh. I'm gonna try to eat through mine. That's awesome.
- [128:57]
Shay Carl
But, yeah, you eat your way just single life.
- [129:00]
Bald Brian
Is that what you're doing?
- [129:01]
Shay Carl
If I get fat enough, she won't love me anymore.
- [129:04]
Bald Brian
You got fat?
- [129:05]
Shay Carl
I was really fat. I've recently lost like 40 pounds. I was 60 pounds heavier. I was 280. Now I'm like 213. But it literally was like too tight for me, so I stopped wearing it. I could wear it now.
- [129:16]
Bald Brian
I can dig it. Here's how it works. Here's how it works. You get fat around your ring, essentially become like every once in a while. You see, when they're trying to hold a tree up, they put like a rope around it or an inner tube or something. And then five years later, it just kind of grows around it in the tree. So you get fat around your ring, then you gotta get the fire department in with the jaws alive to get the fucking thing off. And then you get it off and then you immediately shed the pounds. But by the time the dust settles on this whole thing, your wife's gotten used to you not wearing a ring now for a good six, eight months. And it's never going back on. Two years in two pieces in the garage.
- [129:51]
Shay Carl
Yeah, I can't wear that thing anymore.
- [129:52]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [129:52]
Ron Jeremy
If you got the time. It's a perfect system.
- [129:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [129:55]
Shay Carl
It's taken me the last two years of my life, but I finally don't have to wear a wedding ring anymore.
- [130:00]
Bald Brian
I've said this to guys, and, you know, I don't. You know, I feel bad because, like, when Chris Hansen was busting the pedophiles, I gave some tips. And I don't. You know, I don't condone. I take it you're a virgin. I don't condone this, but I'm just saying, like, if I was, you know, driving to Fresno to meet up with a young gal and hang out, I would. I would coordinate it with the local dominoes and have a pizza. Small cheese sent over, plain cheese sent over. At the same time I was supposed to arrive, and I would just park across the street, see who answered the door. If a camera crew answered the door, Chris Hansen was standing there. I wouldn't go in. And so you're out of $6.99 pizza again. I feel like a guy's writing a book on how to make bombs, but I don't make bombs. But a terrorist could get hold of it. So I'm sorry. I don't condone cheating. But I will say this, fellas. If you do wear a wedding ring, and occasionally it comes off, like when you travel or go to a strip club or something like that, you need to have a sport activity that is woven into your life. Where it periodically comes off.
- [131:09]
Allison Rosen
Ceramics.
- [131:10]
Bald Brian
Yes. Go ahead and throw a pot every once in a while.
- [131:13]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [131:13]
Ron Jeremy
I work at Color Me Mine.
- [131:14]
Bald Brian
I can't Color Me Mine. Or, you know, hit the heavy bag a little bit or something. Have some action activity where you take the ring off. So that way, if the ring ever gets lost or ever, whatever. Because if you never take your ring off and then the ring gets lost, it's kind of suspicious.
- [131:33]
Ron Jeremy
Right?
- [131:33]
Bald Brian
Right. But if the ring comes off periodically, you're like a sweetie. Yeah. No, I'm sitting there at the gym playing racquetball, and then I was making.
- [131:41]
Ron Jeremy
You a mug with your face.
- [131:42]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [131:44]
Shay Carl
How long do you wear yours?
- [131:45]
Bald Brian
The glitter, that part of racquetball, sweetie, you don't know about that.
- [131:50]
Ron Jeremy
Smell like I won.
- [131:51]
Shay Carl
They were celebrating as a celebration. They threw confetti.
- [131:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [131:55]
Ron Jeremy
How come on the. Coming up nuts.
- [131:59]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [132:01]
Ron Jeremy
Hey, how come at the end of.
- [132:02]
Bald Brian
I was about to. Go ahead.
- [132:04]
Ron Jeremy
The Catch a Predator at the end, when they. When they walk out and they say, you're free to leave.
- [132:08]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [132:08]
Ron Jeremy
And then it's like, you did that really well.
- [132:10]
Bald Brian
Do another Christian.
- [132:11]
Ron Jeremy
You're free to leave, and you walk out, and you know they're gonna get pummeled to the ground by The.
- [132:17]
Shay Carl
They're like German shepherds.
- [132:18]
Ron Jeremy
And even if they come out and they're like, okay, I'm done. I'm done. Still just get speared to the ground like Goldberg.
- [132:23]
Bald Brian
I laugh. I laugh every time. I laugh at the part where Hanson tosses out the casual. You're free to leave. The guy has that moment of like, jesus dodged the ball.
- [132:35]
Shay Carl
I learned a lesson. Thank you so much. And they like a thanking me.
- [132:38]
Bald Brian
Oh, my God, I will not. He starts out onto the lawn. And I definitely think it's one of these things that happens because first off, the Fresno PD doesn't have a whole lot going on. And once the cameras are rolling, you get a lot of no time for backup, you know, and a freeze and drop shoulder rolls and stuff like that. The thing that's funny is they yell, drop down. Down on your. And the guy goes down.
- [133:03]
Ron Jeremy
You can't go down any more than your face.
- [133:07]
Bald Brian
It's funny. It's like they have to tackle the guy who tackled himself earlier. It's sort of college rules football. Once the guy trips up and gets down onto the turkey, he's down. Let's just touch him. He's down.
- [133:20]
Ron Jeremy
But you don't need the SWAT team.
- [133:21]
Shay Carl
I feel like I need to get a helicopter in there.
- [133:23]
Bald Brian
The fattest guy has to dive on the guy's back. And again, that's just all. That's all posturing for the camera.
- [133:28]
Shay Carl
That chase the other day they had, like, in Hollywood, and that there's like eight cops ripped this dude out of a car, and just like eight of them, like, landed on this guy. It was crazy.
- [133:36]
Ron Jeremy
Must have been a Tuesday. You got a lot of. In the North Hollywood Valley area. I feel like there's way more car chases than us on the west side out here. Well, feel like there's more freeways that could intersect and pass.
- [133:48]
Bald Brian
There's more possibilities. When I lived up at the Hollywood sign, we don't have a real good policy as to what to do with the cars when they take it on the lam. Like, sometimes they try the spike strip, but they don't really. They don't really do what they need to do. They just essentially follow them at a safe distance until they, like, run out of gas. And years ago, there was a police chase. You gotta kinda know the area. But up Beechwood Canyon. The guy turned up Beechwood Canyon. He went up, heading for the Hollywood sign. I saw it on the news, and somebody called me, my buddy Ray or something. He said, go look on the news. The guy literally drove past My house. So I'm going down my side street. That's one road and it's one road. It's like Beechwood Canyon. There's no other way out. It's pretty much go a quarter of the way up, park your car sideways, and this guy can't get out. And they followed him all the way up. They followed him all the way around. They followed him all the way down. He then got on the freeway and he drove out to fucking Canoga Park. Then he got off the freeway and while he was off the freeway, some dude like jumped out of his car and like jumped into the bed of the guy's truck like some concerned citizen who could have been killed. And then the guy drove ahead and he went to some like, old folks home or some kids, whatever, and jumped out and then ran into the home. And I just thought, what if you and your kid were crossing the street in Canoga park on at 3:30 in the afternoon and you knew at 1:30 the guy was 30 miles away at the fucking Hollywood sign and the LAPD didn't throw the fucking spike strip out? You'd be pissed, wouldn't you, when this guy ran over your kid in Canoga Park?
- [135:32]
Ron Jeremy
I mean, the Beachwood gets pretty small at times. I feel like if it's trash day, that the garbage bins and the parked cars would be enough of a roadblock.
- [135:39]
Shay Carl
Yeah, they couldn't put up a better roadblock than that.
- [135:42]
Allison Rosen
It was probably a high speed, 25 mile an hour.
- [135:44]
Bald Brian
Listen, this is one of those blame the fucking lawyer situations again where some guy took off, a cop, spun him out, the guy hit a pole, the guy got a concussion. Now he's suing the police department and it's like, listen, fucker, if you take it on the run, there should be.
- [136:02]
Shay Carl
A shoot on demand policy. They can just shoot them immediately.
- [136:05]
Bald Brian
I completely agree. 30 odds. By the way, we need to pull up a picture of Jake Johansson because Kassim G. Have you ever gotten that?
- [136:16]
Ron Jeremy
I've gotten Kassem G. And Jake Johansson. You're saying I look like you never.
- [136:20]
Bald Brian
Gotten Jake Johansson before? We're going to get you a picture.
- [136:24]
Ron Jeremy
I'm a weird physical. You know, when you go your life, you go through stages that you look, looked. You have a certain look. I'm in the like old Egyptian actor porn scum.
- [136:33]
Bald Brian
Yeah, yeah, but it works. Yeah.
- [136:35]
Ron Jeremy
Well, hey, thanks.
- [136:37]
Bald Brian
I'll tell you, if we find the right picture of Jake Johansson, the comedian Jake Johansson, you'll see that he's got a brother.
- [136:46]
Allison Rosen
And I Would like to know what other phases and looks have you gone through?
- [136:49]
Ron Jeremy
I've gone through.
- [136:50]
Shay Carl
You had a macho man, Randy Savage look.
- [136:52]
Ron Jeremy
I never had a. I never had a place growing up. Like, I always. I was born in Jordan and I moved to the United States when I was younger and I was always like this, the weird kid, you know, Like I never felt like at home with the white kids or the Mexicans. And I felt like I identified with the blacks a little bit. So I went through like these weird phases where I'd wear like all Tommy. Tommy Hilfiger, like windbreaker. Like the pants all white, you know, like the stripe down the side. That didn't work. And then I went through like the. The knee high sock. White. All white Adidas, Mexican gang banger.
- [137:26]
Bald Brian
That's a nice look.
- [137:27]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah. So there's.
- [137:28]
Bald Brian
That says hire me.
- [137:30]
Allison Rosen
You know what. What makes it even more Hire me. Rolling up just one pant leg.
- [137:34]
Bald Brian
Yeah. And then. And then finishing it off with some slippers. Yeah, I like that look. Like, you know, I'm not fully committed to leaving the house. By the way, when you're walking around at 2 in the afternoon in slippers that says I don't got a lot on my plate. Yeah.
- [137:48]
Ron Jeremy
Slippers with the sweatpants. Is pretty much nothing going on.
- [137:52]
Bald Brian
I give up. Yeah, that's. I'm walking to the liquor store for four.
- [137:55]
Ron Jeremy
Well, like Ron Jeremy, for example. I interviewed him a few weeks ago and he actually left his house in sweatpants.
- [138:00]
Shay Carl
He came to the show.
- [138:01]
Ron Jeremy
He actually left his house in sweatpants.
- [138:02]
Bald Brian
Well, he has to. I thought he's well past 501. Yeah, he cannot.
- [138:09]
Shay Carl
There's not a baggy Levi.
- [138:11]
Bald Brian
No. When the guy's selling Dockers, go. He's like, please, Nothing better than we.
- [138:17]
Ron Jeremy
Don'T sell your tiny.
- [138:18]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [138:18]
Ron Jeremy
Nothing's better than Ron Jeremy sitting on your chair with like, you know, the sweatpants, they like sack everything up in the middle here. So you get like a nice little collage.
- [138:26]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [138:26]
Ron Jeremy
It's not even past a camel toe. And since it's Ron Jeremy, he has a lot going on in here.
- [138:30]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [138:31]
Ron Jeremy
So I feel like he might as well not have been wearing sweatpants because I could see his rim just through the pants there.
- [138:38]
Bald Brian
He also. Ryan, a dear friend. I hope he takes his things.
- [138:44]
Ron Jeremy
I think he's one of the funniest, most interesting people.
- [138:47]
Bald Brian
He's beginning to adopt a funk. He's got a little odor going on. Yeah. He's got a thing now. He douses himself with Aqua Velva or Something. But he's got some funky dude going on, right?
- [138:59]
Ron Jeremy
And whatever it is, it gets worse with the perfume or wherever he puts.
- [139:02]
Bald Brian
On it activates it.
- [139:04]
Ron Jeremy
It's like when you shit in a bathroom and then they use the spray and it's like, I smell shit even more now.
- [139:09]
Bald Brian
Yeah, yeah.
- [139:10]
Shay Carl
It's like fruity.
- [139:11]
Bald Brian
It's like somebody. If somebody took a pine log, shit on it and set it on fire. That's what I'm smelling right now.
- [139:17]
Ron Jeremy
I would rather just smell arid feces than the COVID up.
- [139:21]
Bald Brian
All right, now, is this the guy? Find me a picture of the guy that looks like.
- [139:28]
Ron Jeremy
I gotta say, that does not look like.
- [139:29]
Shay Carl
That's not Qassim. That is not.
- [139:31]
Bald Brian
That looks like Cassim.
- [139:31]
Shay Carl
That's Cassim's eighth grade math teacher.
- [139:33]
Ron Jeremy
But he's a handsome guy.
- [139:34]
Bald Brian
That's kind of flattering. No, you're thinking of round guy. You're thinking of Jake David Johansson. Yeah.
- [139:44]
Allison Rosen
Well, what part of Ron Jeremy's body do you think is creating?
- [139:47]
Bald Brian
But hold on a second. Don't find me.
- [139:51]
Allison Rosen
Let's get to the bottom of this. Yeah, exactly.
- [139:53]
Bald Brian
I need the Buddy Holly glasses. Old school picture of Jake Johansson. I need the 80s, not the long hair. No, I need the. There is a Buddy Holly.
- [140:10]
Allison Rosen
There's some glasses on. A couple going by looking.
- [140:13]
Bald Brian
You gotta find the Buddy Holly looking version of Jake Johansson.
- [140:18]
Ron Jeremy
Rocketeer.
- [140:19]
Bald Brian
I'm always proven. I'm always right. I always comes out of Jake Gyllenhaal.
- [140:23]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, Gyllenhaal is what?
- [140:24]
Allison Rosen
There's Jennifer Aniston.
- [140:26]
Bald Brian
You can go to the one at the bottom in the middle with the tie and the blue shirt. At least she's got glasses on there. She got glass on there. Yeah. All right, now we're warming up. Warming up. Now you put that haircut and I.
- [140:38]
Ron Jeremy
Get a little longer do.
- [140:40]
Bald Brian
It's starting to come around. We'll warm into it.
- [140:43]
Shay Carl
I see more of a rock.
- [140:44]
Bald Brian
By the way. Why is it the always pict, the first picture is always the picture that never looks anything like them. Is that an attempt to shame and humiliate?
- [140:54]
Allison Rosen
It's their way of getting back. Yeah.
- [140:56]
Bald Brian
It's always. If I say this guy looks like that guy, they pick a picture of him where he looks 80 years old. He's put on £90.
- [141:01]
Allison Rosen
Yes. And you guys. Come on.
- [141:03]
Bald Brian
Yes, yes. And not only that, but in this.
- [141:05]
Kassim G
Instance, I think Google fucked you more than those guys did. There's plenty of instances where they pulled wrong there.
- [141:11]
Allison Rosen
Google's Handmaids.
- [141:12]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, it's A side by side warming.
- [141:14]
Bald Brian
Warming up.
- [141:15]
Ron Jeremy
That's my Twitter picture.
- [141:16]
Bald Brian
Warming up. Now you need the Jake Johansson from the 80s in the Buddy Hollywood.
- [141:22]
Ron Jeremy
It's the lower half of my face, I think that's selling it for me.
- [141:25]
Bald Brian
It's coming. The glass. You'll see when he changes rims in the glass, not the rim of Ron's cockpit.
- [141:31]
Shay Carl
Speaking of rims.
- [141:32]
Bald Brian
But let's get back to Ron's cockpit.
- [141:33]
Ron Jeremy
What a rim, though.
- [141:34]
Bald Brian
Now Ron is covered with Aqua Velva and body hair. And body hair. And he's wearing his sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. And you're still catching some funk from across the room. Yeah. Imagine if he was nude, sweating, on top of you and in you.
- [141:52]
Allison Rosen
You would need extra money to pay.
- [141:55]
Shay Carl
Speaking of which, I had a colonist.
- [141:57]
Bald Brian
You did?
- [141:58]
Allison Rosen
Why?
- [141:59]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, okay.
- [141:59]
Bald Brian
Hey, it's YouTube content, all right.
- [142:02]
Shay Carl
Yeah, yeah, It's a great segue right there.
- [142:04]
Ron Jeremy
How'd everything come out, buddy?
- [142:05]
Bald Brian
I can't.
- [142:05]
Allison Rosen
You're bearing the lead. Why? Why?
- [142:07]
Bald Brian
Well, by the way, was the guy. Was the guy at least clever and go, hey, YouTube star, you gonna get tubed right now? You tubed?
- [142:17]
Shay Carl
I said, I made this stupid bet. I'm in this weight loss contest, and I said if I didn't hit a certain weight, I would get. Get a colonic and film it. So I missed it by 0.1 pound. Like the smallest.
- [142:27]
Bald Brian
Really? You got that worth of beard on you?
- [142:29]
Shay Carl
I know. I was like, ah, I. I missed it, so I had to get it.
- [142:32]
Ron Jeremy
You can't shave it until he hits.
- [142:33]
Shay Carl
Yeah. I also said I won't shave my hair or my beard until I hit 200.
- [142:36]
Ron Jeremy
So we all have to suffer.
- [142:38]
Shay Carl
I'm like a werewolf right now. I'm like Benicio del Tardo.
- [142:41]
Bald Brian
I did the same thing. I'm not gonna stop beating off until I meet my goal, but I don't never say what it is. What's your goal? That's.
- [142:48]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah. Speaking of Scarlett Johansson. Oh, did you see that tweet about that Scarlett Johansson? Nude pics leaked this morning.
- [142:56]
Bald Brian
Where?
- [142:57]
Ron Jeremy
Bob Ride.
- [142:58]
Bald Brian
Where are they?
- [142:59]
Kassim G
I heard it was really pixelated. I didn't see them.
- [143:01]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, I have it on my phone. I actually saved it the second I.
- [143:04]
Bald Brian
What are they from?
- [143:05]
Ron Jeremy
It's a phone. Somebody leaked them from her phone. One's. One's I'll just show.
- [143:09]
Bald Brian
I feel like when you buy a new phone now, it comes with nude pictures of you on it already.
- [143:14]
Shay Carl
Like, where are these nudes nudes come from?
- [143:18]
Bald Brian
They just exist. The next phone I Get. You want some sack? You want him?
- [143:22]
Ron Jeremy
That's one of them.
- [143:23]
Bald Brian
Okay.
- [143:24]
Ron Jeremy
And then just swipe over to the right for the next one.
- [143:26]
Bald Brian
Oh, she's taking pictures of herself.
- [143:28]
Ron Jeremy
Oh, they're actually on the screen.
- [143:29]
Bald Brian
I can't believe you guys want to.
- [143:30]
Allison Rosen
Talk about this when we haven't finished talking about his colonic.
- [143:34]
Bald Brian
Can we get back to this and Ron Jeremy, please?
- [143:38]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Where does Ron Jeremy's scent come from? How was your colonic? Then we can talk about this.
- [143:43]
Ron Jeremy
All right, all right, all right.
- [143:44]
Bald Brian
That's nice.
- [143:44]
Ron Jeremy
She's got a nice little bottle.
- [143:46]
Allison Rosen
It's mar. I feel like Larry Miller should be here. I feel like it's rude of us to be doing this without him. Make virtual Larry.
- [143:52]
Bald Brian
All right. So that's important to me. I always wanted.
- [143:57]
Shay Carl
I feel like all the three guys were all just like, yeah, we can't take over the show for this.
- [144:02]
Bald Brian
I got your next. I got your Carl. I got your next project here. I want. I've decided that I want to see time lapse photography of Ron Jeremy getting fat while he's fucking. I love it. Starting in 1977. You know what I mean?
- [144:19]
Ron Jeremy
Technology.
- [144:19]
Bald Brian
He was a hundred.
- [144:20]
Shay Carl
That's a gif.
- [144:21]
Bald Brian
He was £170 in 1977 and was actually pretty fit. Everyone argues with me like, oh, he was always a pig. No, he wasn't. He looked pretty good back in the day. No, he did.
- [144:31]
Ron Jeremy
He had those green or hazel eyes.
- [144:33]
Bald Brian
He's now technically morbidly obese. Yeah, well, I feel like he doesn't.
- [144:39]
Shay Carl
It's like. It's like he's Ron Jeremy. So it's like he's just like, you know, anymore.
- [144:42]
Bald Brian
No, but tell that to the 19 year old runaway.
- [144:45]
Ron Jeremy
You know what I thought was really interesting? When I talked to him, I asked him, do people ever just come up to you on the street and do they ask to see it? Because I would imagine that would happen a lot.
- [144:52]
Bald Brian
That's important to me.
- [144:54]
Shay Carl
Oh, there he is.
- [144:54]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, there's some pictures.
- [144:56]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [144:56]
Shay Carl
Wow, that looks like me.
- [144:58]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [144:59]
Shay Carl
So I shaved my chest.
- [145:00]
Ron Jeremy
His nipple. You can't even see the nipple.
- [145:02]
Bald Brian
All right. It.
- [145:02]
Ron Jeremy
Any. Any hoozle.
- [145:04]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [145:04]
Ron Jeremy
He said, yeah, people come up to me all the time and ask to see it and. And I go, well, what do you say? He's like, well, I show him. I'm like, well, how? What do you do? He's like, well, I take him into a bathroom. Then I also asked them to show me something of theirs. So at any moment in Los Angeles, Ron Jeremy could be in a bathroom with somebody else showing his cock.
- [145:21]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [145:22]
Ron Jeremy
Just to some random woman who was interested. And I think that's very interesting.
- [145:25]
Bald Brian
And I hope none of those get.
- [145:28]
Shay Carl
Leaked on the Internet.
- [145:29]
Bald Brian
That would be better. All right.
- [145:30]
Ron Jeremy
Allison, would you ask Rod Jeremy to show his cock if you bumped into him?
- [145:34]
Allison Rosen
As a favor to you guys? Sure. On my own. I don't know that I would want to see it.
- [145:38]
Ron Jeremy
You could see it if he was.
- [145:39]
Allison Rosen
Wearing sweatpants, but his man boobs are covered with fur in that photo we just saw.
- [145:43]
Bald Brian
I'm just saying, a time lapse photography, doggy style. You'd have to keep the same position, and you'd have to just have him getting fatter.
- [145:52]
Ron Jeremy
Right.
- [145:53]
Bald Brian
It would be awesome.
- [145:55]
Allison Rosen
And it's interesting because I don't think the cock gains weight or the ball.
- [145:58]
Bald Brian
No.
- [145:59]
Allison Rosen
So you'd think he's actually making himself.
- [146:00]
Bald Brian
Look smaller in proportion. Yes. Yeah.
- [146:04]
Shay Carl
I hope my grandma doesn't listen to this.
- [146:06]
Bald Brian
Well, she's an idiot. An otter with Ron Jeremy's cock looks like a big cock. But a whale with Ron Jeremy's cock, does that look like a big cock?
- [146:16]
Shay Carl
He gets beat up in school, man.
- [146:17]
Allison Rosen
If I saw an otter with Ron Jeremy's cock, I'd be torn because otters are so cute, you know? But that would just be like.
- [146:23]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [146:24]
Shay Carl
Would it be a deal breaker?
- [146:25]
Allison Rosen
Probably.
- [146:26]
Bald Brian
Well, but you did cash the checks. I start blowing. Sweetie. Now, where were we? Colonics.
- [146:31]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [146:33]
Bald Brian
Where did you go?
- [146:34]
Shay Carl
I went to this. I don't know. I just. I just Google maps. That's how I find everything these days. I just. I don't want to travel outside. I live in Venice, so, like, I want to leave this four mile bubble. So I just found this place, called them up, and said, hey, I got to come in tomorrow morning. I was, like, terrified.
- [146:48]
Ron Jeremy
So I said, hey, I gotta come in.
- [146:49]
Shay Carl
I cleaned my ass today. I get some things out of my chest. So, yeah, I went this morning.
- [146:55]
Kassim G
Got it. Implies that there was some. You were compelled.
- [146:58]
Bald Brian
Yeah, well, right.
- [147:00]
Shay Carl
I mean, I lost this contest. I said, because I was at this. I was confident. I was at 228. And I said, I guarantee you I'll be at 220 by next weigh in. So I had to lose eight pounds in a week. I turned out I lost, like, 7.9 pounds. So I missed it by like.
- [147:12]
Ron Jeremy
But you kind of wanted the.
- [147:13]
Allison Rosen
If only you'd got.
- [147:14]
Shay Carl
I was interested.
- [147:15]
Bald Brian
You could have made it right. Like, right now. Does this place have a front door? Is it all just.
- [147:19]
Shay Carl
Yeah. No, I mean, there. There's like, a secret knob.
- [147:21]
Bald Brian
That'd be my biggest know, right?
- [147:24]
Adam Carolla
Everything.
- [147:24]
Shay Carl
We had to come in through the back.
- [147:25]
Bald Brian
Yeah, go to the back.
- [147:26]
Shay Carl
It's like, eight doors back there. No, the lady was pretty. She was pretty chill. It was like, really calm music. She was, like, massaging my belly.
- [147:35]
Ron Jeremy
What kind of music?
- [147:35]
Bald Brian
All right.
- [147:36]
Shay Carl
It was, like, really, like, seriously, a.
- [147:37]
Bald Brian
Lot of slip knots.
- [147:40]
Shay Carl
It was really, like, hippie kind of like, oh, you've got a incense. It's really, like, the ambiance. It was dark, and there's lighting, and she. She was drinking this, like, green juice out of, like, a mason jar, this giant mason jar. And she's drinking this juice as I am colonized, as I am hooked up to this machine. And she sets it on top of the device as all these numbers and wheels. And I can see these little particles, like, floating through it.
- [148:08]
Bald Brian
She sets her drink.
- [148:09]
Shay Carl
This is like her breakfast. She tells me she's on this cleanse. She sets this drink on the machine that's sucking poop out of my body. And I'm like, what are you drinking? The results.
- [148:18]
Bald Brian
Like, what are you drinking?
- [148:19]
Shay Carl
Why are you setting that there?
- [148:20]
Bald Brian
She's on a Klein, by the way. Do you need to be on a cleanse? If I worked at a colonics place, it'd be fucking shakies for a bunch of lunch every fucking day. And then hook me up to the machine.
- [148:32]
Shay Carl
I just suck it out.
- [148:33]
Ron Jeremy
It's like pilots that hit that oxygen right before they go up from a hangover. Yeah, that just clears it up.
- [148:38]
Bald Brian
I drink fucking mocho potatoes. You got a chicken shallow? Yeah. Foga de chow again. Keep that green card lit. Let's keep the beef coming there, Gaucho.
- [148:48]
Allison Rosen
You better even digest it.
- [148:49]
Kassim G
And then save my seat.
- [148:50]
Bald Brian
I'll be back that afternoon. Hook it up to the hose. Get it on out.
- [148:55]
Shay Carl
You're like a trailer. You gotta, like, dump your.
- [148:57]
Bald Brian
I'd actually be eating while I was on the gurney. Like, just come on.
- [149:02]
Shay Carl
It's like a conveyor belt. You need a conveyor belt that just goes.
- [149:04]
Bald Brian
Yeah, they're like.
- [149:05]
Allison Rosen
You need to be chewing a little better. A whole mushroom just.
- [149:08]
Shay Carl
Was that a double bacon cheeseburger?
- [149:11]
Bald Brian
Adam? Are you.
- [149:11]
Shay Carl
Are you swallowing them whole at this point?
- [149:14]
Bald Brian
You know, it's a. I would also swallow things like. I'd also swallow things like crayons. I know.
- [149:20]
Shay Carl
I was nervous, like, one of my kids toys was gonna float through there.
- [149:23]
Bald Brian
I don't know how I'd do a dreidel during the Jewish holidays. You know, just to freak out the person in her tea, you know, how.
- [149:30]
Ron Jeremy
Long do you have to work in a job like that before you get comfortable enough? Cause they do that in movies. Like, if there's a guy who's pulling dead bodies out of, like, an ice cold morgue, and he's got the piece of pizza in one hand and he's, like, sitting the pizza down on the dead body, he's like, drinking his Mountain Dew.
- [149:42]
Shay Carl
When do you get that comfor what point?
- [149:44]
Bald Brian
Yeah, yeah. I don't. I don't know. Like, I. I would just have to be hitting off a flask the entire time.
- [149:51]
Shay Carl
I was.
- [149:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Just going.
- [149:54]
Ron Jeremy
They always bring in the person who's not used to the dead bodies and.
- [149:57]
Bald Brian
Right.
- [149:58]
Ron Jeremy
And they're just eating and drinking.
- [150:00]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- [150:01]
Shay Carl
I feel bad if there's somebody gagging in there the entire time I was having done. You know, actually, by law there. It's called self insertion. You have to insert the device yourself by law.
- [150:11]
Allison Rosen
Otherwise it's rape.
- [150:12]
Bald Brian
Yeah. How does that. How's that work?
- [150:14]
Shay Carl
She said that she goes by. It's like some code or something. Like you.
- [150:17]
Ron Jeremy
Is that the. What they said, self insertion.
- [150:19]
Shay Carl
Yeah, that's what.
- [150:19]
Ron Jeremy
Instead of I need you to diddle.
- [150:21]
Bald Brian
Your asshole, she places it there was. What are you wearing?
- [150:24]
Shay Carl
I'm wearing my T shirt. Some shorts that they give you that have a hole in the back that are like Velcro in the back.
- [150:30]
Ron Jeremy
So you.
- [150:30]
Shay Carl
You lay on your side and she, like, puts, like, this nice pillow.
- [150:33]
Bald Brian
Oh, you're on your side. That's right. Yeah.
- [150:35]
Shay Carl
And you're on your side. And she opens it up, and then it's like, here we go.
- [150:38]
Allison Rosen
Open.
- [150:38]
Shay Carl
Sweat up my Velcro. Just, you know, just in case you want to leave. Just because I don't want her to see my butt before she puts the tube in.
- [150:45]
Bald Brian
And what's the tube. What's the business end look like? It's big. It.
- [150:49]
Shay Carl
Like when it was. When it was coming out, I was like, whoa. I thought it was just gonna, like, slip out, but I was like, that was insane.
- [150:54]
Ron Jeremy
Is it tapered? Is it.
- [150:55]
Shay Carl
It's a little tapered. I didn't look at it. I was afraid to look at it. I didn't want to, like, stare it in the eye, you know?
- [151:00]
Allison Rosen
Is it like the thing you put in an alcohol bottle that bartenders put in for a quick pour?
- [151:04]
Bald Brian
It's like, Shay would know.
- [151:07]
Shay Carl
It's like. I don't know. It's like a plastic. It's probably says, like, 4 or 5 inches long and it was in there. And. And she places it. She was like inches, I think so. I. I didn't measure it.
- [151:17]
Ron Jeremy
Is that unnecessary?
- [151:21]
Bald Brian
Wait a second. You know the move I would do? I would do the move that Swayze did in Roadhouse when he's getting sewed up. Like, no anesthetic. Yeah. No lube.
- [151:32]
Adam Carolla
Pain.
- [151:32]
Bald Brian
Don't hurt. No lube. I got dry pain.
- [151:35]
Kassim G
Don't hurt.
- [151:36]
Bald Brian
Yeah. He's such a man. I would pre lube my anus from home.
- [151:41]
Ron Jeremy
And then you'd come to drive over.
- [151:42]
Bald Brian
You'D come ready, give me a worst case scenario. So what, you gotta lubed anus and the place is closed. You know what would be the.
- [151:50]
Shay Carl
Where do you find yourself on a.
- [151:51]
Allison Rosen
Tuesday morning suck that you had happened to lube your ass first?
- [151:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [151:54]
Shay Carl
I would think, like almost. Almost a majority of situations.
- [151:57]
Bald Brian
I'd say, you know what?
- [151:58]
Allison Rosen
You ended up having to sit on sand.
- [151:59]
Bald Brian
No, getting. Getting arrested. Sitting on sand, Spending the night in jail. No, I hate when I.
- [152:06]
Ron Jeremy
You'd be doing yourself a favor, like loose candy.
- [152:09]
Bald Brian
I think you'd be sending the wrong message to the other guys in the drunk tag. They'd smell it on you.
- [152:16]
Allison Rosen
Don't use flavor glide, brother.
- [152:18]
Bald Brian
They know, okay? Believe me, they know. So where were we?
- [152:21]
Ron Jeremy
So there I was.
- [152:22]
Shay Carl
They lubed it up, and she sets it. She like, like, you know. Yeah, it's on. I think she puts it on. Not me. She put it on the tip of the device.
- [152:30]
Ron Jeremy
You're on your side.
- [152:31]
Shay Carl
I'm on my side. I have, like, nice little pillows between my knees. I feel like, you know, I'm about to give birth. So she places it there. And then she's like, okay, reach back with your right hand.
- [152:38]
Bald Brian
And so then I'm like, where's she standing?
- [152:40]
Shay Carl
She's right behind me. And I'm looking this way, and my Ron came with me. Ron filmed it.
- [152:44]
Bald Brian
Ron? Jerry. No.
- [152:47]
Ron Jeremy
He'S already been through one.
- [152:49]
Shay Carl
I have a friend named Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. Check him out on YouTube. Anyway, so he's filming me and I. She's like, hey, push it in. And I'm like, is that enough? Like, I didn't want to, like, I don't want to be too aggressive.
- [152:59]
Bald Brian
Sure.
- [152:59]
Shay Carl
So I'm just like, okay, is that good? And she's like, no, you need to go a lot farther than that.
- [153:03]
Bald Brian
I was like, how far in you go?
- [153:05]
Shay Carl
It was like. I said it was like four or five inches, I think.
- [153:07]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [153:08]
Shay Carl
And it's in there. And then it's excessive and it really does. Yeah, I don't. I guess you don't want it to, like, fly out mid colonic, you know, I mean, it's like a water hose, like, shooting everywhere and she's like, holding on to it and.
- [153:21]
Ron Jeremy
You haven't eaten? You haven't had any snacks?
- [153:22]
Shay Carl
No, I had.
- [153:23]
Bald Brian
Had.
- [153:24]
Shay Carl
There you go.
- [153:24]
Bald Brian
Now we're getting some Jake. We're having a ball out here. Getting some Jake Johansson from the early days.
- [153:30]
Ron Jeremy
My hair's doing something.
- [153:31]
Shay Carl
The tall hair. That's how Castle used to be.
- [153:33]
Bald Brian
All right, we're warming up though, right? So we've accomplished our mission.
- [153:38]
Ron Jeremy
Very nice.
- [153:38]
Shay Carl
So glad we've gotten to this job. Team Corolla, everybody.
- [153:41]
Kassim G
You did.
- [153:41]
Bald Brian
Thank you. Thank you, Team Carolla. All right, should we do what's left of the news?
- [153:45]
Ron Jeremy
Sure, let's do it.
- [153:48]
Bald Brian
And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.
- [153:52]
Allison Rosen
Tonight's news is sponsored by Evoice, a radically better phone number. Click the banner on AdamCroll.com for a six month free trial.
- [154:00]
Bald Brian
Let me tell you about another one of our sponsors. Oh, there's some Jake Johansson from back. Now we're really starting. Shorter hair.
- [154:09]
Ron Jeremy
Adam. It's Kassim.
- [154:10]
Bald Brian
Oh, Cassim, Sorry.
- [154:10]
Ron Jeremy
But you're gonna get it right by the end of this podcast.
- [154:13]
Allison Rosen
I doubt that very much.
- [154:14]
Bald Brian
Yeah, yeah, I put the two E's in there, sir. I'll underline it. Sorry. All right, where was we? Oh, yeah, yeah. Encore Life Insurance. Shay. Shay.
- [154:25]
Shay Carl
Carl, you want to sell me some life insurance?
- [154:28]
Bald Brian
You should. You got four kids, buddy.
- [154:30]
Shay Carl
I need it.
- [154:30]
Bald Brian
No, I got. I got you putting projectiles up your ass. You could go any day.
- [154:34]
Shay Carl
I need protection, man.
- [154:35]
Bald Brian
Yeah, you need protection. Might I suggest Encore Insurance Services LA llc. They'll give you a free life insurance quote today. You just pick up the phone and call them. I mean, you know, when you're done with your colonic. 866-347-5-748. Or you can visit them online at smartterm.com. if you want to get some life insurance or you just want to fix some coverage you already have, get a little better, a little better deal. You're paying too much. They don't want you to pay too much. They just. They handle a bunch of good companies. They give you the best rate. They're not life insurers themselves. They collect and trade and then they give you the best date. The best rate, I should say. You call them and they'll help you save some money. Pair the premiums of all the other companies and pass the savings along to you. Give them a call. 866-347-5748. Licensing and Disclaimer information can be found on their website@smartterm.com that is smartterm.com. all right, now I'll you see back with the rest of the news.
- [155:39]
Allison Rosen
Twitter revealed last week that it has 100 million active users, half of which log on to the microblogging Service every day. 40% of its users access the site mostly to read what others post. Twitter also says it's used by influential organizations and public figures, including 35 global heads of state, top athletes and professional teams, important nonprofit organizations, famous entertainers such as everyone in this room.
- [156:04]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, we're all there.
- [156:05]
Allison Rosen
And major media outlets. Users send about 350 billion tweets daily. Now, prior to this announcement, they were holding the figures close to their vest. So it's kind of a big deal that they're releasing it.
- [156:16]
Bald Brian
Why are they bragging? Everyone wanted to know and they wouldn't tell anybody, I think.
- [156:20]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, because they were already. They had to get their evaluation.
- [156:23]
Bald Brian
Weren't they evaluated like Kassim, get on. See, I pronounced your name right. Cass, get that mic. Yeah. Here we are near your post.
- [156:29]
Ron Jeremy
This is much better.
- [156:30]
Bald Brian
Thank you. Now, where were.
- [156:32]
Shay Carl
How's Twitter gonna be profitable? Because they don't really have any ads on.
- [156:35]
Ron Jeremy
They do spawn. They do promoted.
- [156:37]
Allison Rosen
They've that promoted tweets thing.
- [156:40]
Bald Brian
I just know that anytime you can get a couple hundred billion people. Yeah. Well, they're gonna be to go wherever you're going. Then I. There's a way to make money from them.
- [156:51]
Ron Jeremy
The heads of state thing is weird. You know, it's like if you're a. If you're communicating and you're a head of state. Right. Or something, and you have Twitter, something's broken in your communication.
- [157:00]
Allison Rosen
Well, it's weird because when you look in your timeline, it's like this comedian says this, and then this person says this, and then Obama says this, and then, like, it gets all jumped out of there.
- [157:07]
Bald Brian
I feel like Teddy Roosevelt would have tweeted, and I don't feel like any of these guys would or want to. There's somebody in their cabinet who's this, you know, Blue flame special from Quantico, top of the class. And they're going, hey, man, you got to do this. And. And they're probably miss. You know, I'm sure every Republican is like, listen, I don't know about this twatting thing. And it's like, it's called Twitter, and you have to do it if you want to be.
- [157:35]
Ron Jeremy
Is that how you were introduced to Twitter? Somebody said you had to do it.
- [157:39]
Bald Brian
Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah. This is just me. What's the max? 140 characters. I'm like, jesus, why so many? It's gonna take me all.
- [157:51]
Allison Rosen
Look, you don't have to do 140 though, right?
- [157:53]
Bald Brian
Yeah. All right.
- [157:54]
Allison Rosen
But, like, me, did you guys think that Twitter was stupid when you first heard of it? And did you not see the point of it? Cause I remember thinking, what, you can send a text out to everyone telling them where you are? Why would I want to do that? But now I love it.
- [158:05]
Ron Jeremy
It makes sense for us, me and Shay, because we, you know, we can use any sort of, like, platform to help promote our own stuff.
- [158:12]
Bald Brian
Also, you're talking to a dude who was around during the Pet Rock craze when people actually bought Pet Rock rocks.
- [158:21]
Allison Rosen
And this is a letdown compared.
- [158:22]
Bald Brian
I'm just saying, if you can wrap your mind around the pet Rock, then nothing else is stupid. See what I mean? Like, we need to. Why do people. If you follow, if you put pet rock in front of there, everything else makes sense. Yeah.
- [158:38]
Shay Carl
It's a great marketing tool, really. I mean, and now every business you see, every commercial you see has a little Twitter Facebook icon.
- [158:45]
Bald Brian
I don't understand the thing where you, like. Like, pass the billboard for Progresso Soup and they're like, check us out on Facebook. Like, canned soup. Yeah.
- [158:55]
Shay Carl
Who's friends with?
- [158:56]
Bald Brian
Who could I be? What could I possibly get out of this?
- [159:00]
Shay Carl
There's a new cilantro basil out there.
- [159:01]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, yeah.
- [159:03]
Allison Rosen
There was one time I was looking at something online. I think it was some product or something. And, you know, they have these banners up at the top that say, like, us on Facebook. And I accidentally clicked it.
- [159:13]
Bald Brian
I was like, oh, no. How do I, unlike my friends, know.
- [159:15]
Ron Jeremy
That I'm like this.
- [159:17]
Allison Rosen
Whatever.
- [159:18]
Kassim G
She was a soup lover from the beginning.
- [159:20]
Bald Brian
We all knew it.
- [159:22]
Allison Rosen
A New Jersey woman sued her employer after being told to remove her deceased daughter's ballet slippers and photo from her cubicle. And also to pretend like the girl quote did not exist.
- [159:34]
Bald Brian
That's her saying that. Nobody told her. Pretend, like, oh, just you wait, Mr.
- [159:38]
Allison Rosen
Cynical.
- [159:39]
Bald Brian
Nobody said, you're a Blue Flame Special today. All right.
- [159:42]
Allison Rosen
In 2006, Cecilia Ingraham, an administrative assistant at Ortho McNeil Pharmaceuticals, Raritan, New Jersey facility, had a conversation with her boss during which he allegedly informed her that her co workers were made uncomfortable by her tendency to Talk about her daughter's death. The year before, Ingraham's teenage daughter, a ballet dancer, had died of an incurable infection related to acute lymphocytic leukemia. Ingraham had hung her daughter's toe shoes in her cubicle as a tribute, but her body told her she had to take them down. She also had to remove her daughter's pictures because they constituted a workplace disruption and stopped talking about her daughter altogether. Quote, because she is dead. She left work crying and eventually resigned. Then she sued her work and her boss for intentional infliction of emotional distress, constructive discharge, which is when a worker quits because workplace conditions have become intolerable.
- [160:35]
Bald Brian
I thought that's when you were spotting, but go ahead.
- [160:38]
Allison Rosen
I think that Shea had that earlier. And violations of the New Jersey law against discrimination. For her claim to prevail, she had to show that her boss had intended to cause her distress and had been reckless in doing so and acted extremely and outrageously in the court's opinion of the matter. The Superior Court of New Jersey Appellate Division said she hadn't proved this and found for the defendants.
- [160:58]
Bald Brian
All right, so she didn't get anything?
- [160:59]
Allison Rosen
No.
- [161:00]
Bald Brian
Good. Here's the thing. I feel horrible for this person. So bad, but it is one of these things. And God damn, it's gotta be the worst conversation ever, because, you know, 11 people from her floor came into the boss's office and said, she's nuts, man. And every time I talk to her, and I just asked her if she wants to go out for lunch, and she's like, cindy used to eat lunch. It's like, I feel bad for her, but it's fucking brutal. Like, enough is enough. I don't know what to do. And then that guy went, well, what do you want me to do? And I went, you're the manager. Go talk to her. That guy was like, oh, shit, I.
- [161:33]
Shay Carl
Gotta tell this lady to take her ballet slippers off.
- [161:35]
Bald Brian
Yeah.
- [161:36]
Ron Jeremy
Do you start with the ballet to, like, tell her to take it down? Or you go, just don't talk about it?
- [161:39]
Shay Carl
Did you suggest it? Like, why do you take the ballet slippers off?
- [161:42]
Bald Brian
Yeah. Now I'm sure she'll spin it. Like, all I did was put her shoes up, and I rarely brought her up. But I'm sure if you asked everyone on her floor, she never stopped bringing it up. And that's brutal. But it's like, what the fuck are you gonna do? Although I do feel that same way about. People talk about their pet pets too much. I know. I started the show with 20 minutes. So maybe it's ironic, but I don't want to hear about your pet. And don't bring them to work either. I don't like that.
- [162:09]
Allison Rosen
What if you bring your deceased pet to work and put them up in your cubicle?
- [162:12]
Bald Brian
If you hang up, it's a little ballet booty, so that's fine, but I don't. Yeah, the picture thing is weird, but I think she. I think she could have flown under the radar if she hadn't kept bringing it up in front of co workers that were completely freaked out.
- [162:27]
Shay Carl
Because you hear stories like this and it's like that nobody's. Nobody's me. No. No professional. Nobody. Nobody that's a manager is gonna like, get your stupid ugly daughter out of here. I'm glad she's dead, you know?
- [162:37]
Bald Brian
Right?
- [162:37]
Shay Carl
That's what it makes you think when you hear an article.
- [162:39]
Bald Brian
You're like, hey, let me use that urn. Like a spittoon. Yeah, sweetie.
- [162:43]
Ron Jeremy
There was a. There was a.
- [162:44]
Bald Brian
Sorry.
- [162:45]
Ron Jeremy
Her husband died and she was carrying her. I just watched this on MTV or one of these shitty channels and she was carrying her husband's urn with her everywhere, just around. And then. And then they show her dipping. Like one day she said it came open and some of the ashes came out. And then she like put her fingers in it and then she started eating. So she started eating his ashes and eventually just started like, I'd rather talk.
- [163:10]
Shay Carl
About Ron Jeremy and Mike Kalanick than that.
- [163:13]
Ron Jeremy
You know, when you lose somebody, you turn into a freak. Just say that.
- [163:17]
Shay Carl
No, she ate her dead husband.
- [163:19]
Allison Rosen
Well, and the thing is, with the ashes, you're not really getting just that person. You're getting some other people.
- [163:24]
Shay Carl
It's like when you go get dry, they like mix it up.
- [163:26]
Allison Rosen
You're eating a lot of people. You're a regular kid.
- [163:28]
Bald Brian
Like, you go, like, I taste a little Korean here.
- [163:30]
Shay Carl
When she starts snorting it, that's when it's really doing lines of her husband.
- [163:35]
Bald Brian
Right?
- [163:36]
Allison Rosen
Jessica Simpson has a crazed fan stalker who's written a 30 page novel called the True Story of Jessica ann Simpson. Simpson's 22 month long attempt to seduce a married man. Her very active Super Secret Sex life, Volume one.
- [163:49]
Shay Carl
It should be out in the fall, don't you think? She's writing it.
- [163:52]
Allison Rosen
Her publicist just wrote this, like maybe fan stalker. In it, he reportedly dishes on sex crazed Jessica's relentless pursuit of him. Although they've never met, he has inundated Simpson with phone calls and texts and reportedly sent her several puppies when her dog Daisy died. Now that's just not nice.
- [164:11]
Bald Brian
How many?
- [164:13]
Allison Rosen
Several.
- [164:13]
Shay Carl
Yeah, how many is several?
- [164:14]
Bald Brian
How do you send a puppy? Like FedEx?
- [164:18]
Allison Rosen
I think they fit in those little plastic mailers.
- [164:21]
Shay Carl
That's why I don't have a P.O.
- [164:22]
Ron Jeremy
Box.
- [164:23]
Allison Rosen
I don't want to holes in it. What's the big deal?
- [164:25]
Ron Jeremy
Is she fat right now or is she skinny? Jessica? I'm not sure.
- [164:28]
Allison Rosen
Well, if she has a stalker, she's probably skinny.
- [164:30]
Bald Brian
Yeah, been running a lot. Super low self esteem stalker that only stocks overweight women.
- [164:36]
Allison Rosen
Now. He. He told TMZ this book was not written to hurt her, but was written as my only way to heal emotionally from the severe trauma and pain she put me through by her heartless, cruel treatment of me. And this is available for purchase. He self published it. It's available on Amazon. Just 30 bucks?
- [164:54]
Bald Brian
Yeah, 30 bucks.
- [164:56]
Allison Rosen
Just 30 bucks.
- [164:57]
Bald Brian
Fucking my book. Sorry.
- [164:58]
Allison Rosen
$29.99.
- [164:59]
Bald Brian
What the hell? All right, all right, let's bring it on. Home ball. Brian, I think you got something in front of you there that you may want to share with us.
- [165:07]
Kassim G
Gotomeeting. Buddy, you talk about this all the damn time.
- [165:10]
Ron Jeremy
We use GoToMeeting.
- [165:12]
Bald Brian
What?
- [165:12]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, yeah. We got the high def.
- [165:14]
Bald Brian
Yeah, they got the video conference.
- [165:16]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, really handy stuff.
- [165:17]
Kassim G
Adam asks our guests on almost a nightly basis. Daily basis.
- [165:20]
Bald Brian
Let's do it while you. Well, you know what? Instead of telling you, we'll just do a recreation. Start with Governor Jesse Ventura. You be me.
- [165:29]
Kassim G
Hey, Governor Jesse Ventura. You ever heard of go to meeting?
- [165:32]
Bald Brian
Don't like computers. Don't use them. Don't trust me.
- [165:35]
Kassim G
Hey, Ed Asner, you ever use GoToMeeting?
- [165:37]
Bald Brian
I'm 108 years old.
- [165:40]
Kassim G
Hey, anyone that's ever been on the show, you ever use any of our sponsors?
- [165:43]
Bald Brian
I don't speak English. That's what every. I've tried to include the. You know, I tried to do a live read and include the guest every once in a while. No can do.
- [165:53]
Allison Rosen
Like really?
- [165:54]
Kassim G
And usually they're like, opposed to it. They're like. You ever use a man grate? Don't like barbecue.
- [166:00]
Shay Carl
I hate meetings. I am not gonna read that.
- [166:02]
Kassim G
But go to meeting these guys. He's got a meeting.
- [166:04]
Bald Brian
Who did we have in here? Oh, oh, it was Lemmy from Motorhead.
- [166:09]
Ron Jeremy
Is he sane?
- [166:10]
Allison Rosen
Lemmy from Motorhead who kept talking to me. And then you'd be like, get on the mic. And he's like, I'm not trying to talk.
- [166:15]
Bald Brian
Let me just.
- [166:16]
Ron Jeremy
Why are you here?
- [166:17]
Bald Brian
Let me. Yeah, Let me be like, hey, Bird, how about put in your key shirt? And I'd go, let me. We can't hear you now. The mic is. He's, like, not talking to you, like, okay, but then save the fucking small talk for after the show then, would you? All right, sorry. Where are we go to?
- [166:35]
Kassim G
Meeting by Citrix with HD faces. You can get everyone on the meeting together. Not in the same place, of course. Right. On a computer screen, you can see their faces. Make sure they're not coming out.
- [166:43]
Bald Brian
This must be wildly expensive.
- [166:46]
Ron Jeremy
Thousands.
- [166:47]
Bald Brian
It's gotta be millions.
- [166:48]
Kassim G
Well, you can try for free for 30 days. That's not expensive at all. Try it free. Go to. Go to being dot com. Click the try it free button. Put in the promo code. Adam, A D a m.
- [167:00]
Allison Rosen
Is there.
- [167:01]
Shay Carl
Two M's in there?
- [167:01]
Kassim G
30 days free. I tend to slur.
- [167:03]
Bald Brian
Love you, buddy. Yeah. All right, let's bring it on home by telling you folks, you want to check out Shaycarl, you just go to YouTube.com shaytards shaytards. Twitter him at Shea Carl Cassim.
- [167:18]
Ron Jeremy
Thanks for having me, Adam. I'm a big fan, by the way.
- [167:21]
Shay Carl
Cassim's been watching your show for years.
- [167:23]
Ron Jeremy
I came here, by the way, to collect from Bald Brian. Bald Brian during the tumor days, as I like to refer to them. I. I donated a $20 bill. Although I could have done much more than that. I only did the 20, and I'm here for my. Thank you.
- [167:38]
Bald Brian
All right. Website. Thanks, man. He blew most of that in Mexico. That's right.
- [167:44]
Kassim G
Some Internet.
- [167:45]
Bald Brian
Yeah. YouTube.com Kassemg and of course, you can Twitter him @cassmg.
- [167:50]
Ron Jeremy
Yeah, or MakerStudios.com too.
- [167:52]
Shay Carl
Oh, yeah, we started a production company.
- [167:54]
Bald Brian
Oh, okay.
- [167:55]
Ron Jeremy
Good thing we got to that.
- [167:56]
Bald Brian
So until next time, Zam Crolla for Bald Brian and Shay Carl and Cassim G. And Allison Rosen saying. Oh, quickly, Brian Cullen Callan. See, I'm mispronouncing everything. Brian Call's a really funny comedian, great guy, really good guy, a really good actor, and he's going to be with us at the Universal City Walk tonight, Thursday night. So I want to say that now. Allison Rosen saying, mahalo.
- [168:25]
Allison Rosen
Hi, this is Becky Honkington.
- [168:32]
Giovanni
All right, that was Adam Kroll show 654. That does it for today's Kroll Classics. Until tomorrow, mahalo.
- [168:37]
Bald Brian
And get it on Sam.