Kate Flannery + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show: Kate Flannery + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Date: April 19, 2026
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: Kate Flannery (The Office), Alison Rosen, Bryan "Bald Bryan" Bishop
Episode Structure: A two-part "Carolla Classics" featuring select highlights from 2012—Q&A with fans, comedic rants, advice, celebrity interviews, and engaging banter.

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Episode Overview

This edition of The Adam Carolla Show is a double-feature installment under the "Carolla Classics" banner. It showcases two standout episodes from the archive. The spotlight guest is Kate Flannery (Meredith from The Office), whose wit and candor fuel one of the main conversations. Adam, Alison Rosen, and Bryan Bishop riff through hilarious, ultra-honest discussions of weddings, office life, dietary struggles, pop culture, and general societal absurdities. Listeners are treated to fan phone calls, sarcastic life lessons, and the behind-the-scenes machinations of both Hollywood and everyday life.

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Major Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. The Absurdity of Modern Weddings

(03:00–10:00)

• Adam launches into a classic rant about how traditional weddings are logistically inefficient and unnecessarily drawn out, particularly for elderly or disabled attendees.
• He advocates for private, quick ceremonies with only essential people and then having all guests meet for a festive party.
• He bemoans forced socializing while waiting between ceremony and reception, bar “opening times”, and the anxiety of being first at the buffet.

Quote:

"It's a lot of who's gonna get them... Have your quiet, private, very small family ceremony, and then arrive somewhere, get your dance on, get your booze on, get your cake on.”
— Adam Carolla (04:27)

Humor Highlight:
Adam's ongoing fear that his very presence might burn down a church (“I always think whenever I go into church there's going to be a fire for sure. Brought on by me like a young Drew Barrymore.”) (05:07)

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2. Aging, Death, and Family

(10:36–16:00)

• Reflecting on the death of a coworker's grandmother, Adam dives into how medical advances have extended lifespans without offering real quality of life.
• He shares personal stories about his mother-in-law’s passing, the unique relief it brought, and how families cope with emotionally exhausting care for the elderly.

Quote:

“Modern medicine has figured out how to tack on ten more years to everyone’s life, but it’s not quality years. …Like they just wheel chairs everywhere."
— Adam Carolla (11:30)

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3. Advice, Discipline, and Fan Interactions

(18:10–26:48)

• A 15-year-old listener (Will) calls in for advice after referencing Carolla’s “make money” mantra on his high school essay.
• Will struggles with obesity, leading to an honest, compassionate (but direct) discussion about discipline, genetics, and the “muscle” of willpower Adam believes is built through hardship.
• Alison and Bryan join in, encouraging small first steps, echoing Adam's belief in self-driven action.

Quote:

“No matter what you think of yourself – you can feel fat, you won’t be fat. You can feel lazy, you won’t be lazy. You become the dude who takes care of business.”
— Adam Carolla (25:53)

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4. The "Curse & Reward" of High School Social Standing

(26:54–28:35)

• The gang riffs on whether a tough high school life forges superior adults, with lots of self-deprecating humor (“I parlayed it into a career digging ditches.” — Adam).

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5. The Generational Divide and Parental Quirks

(60:50–68:32)

• Adam discusses his relationship (or lack thereof) with his therapist father, hypothesizing on how people drawn to therapy may be trying to repair things they couldn’t fix at home.
• He tells a hilarious but poignant story about his father’s indifference, punctuated by disputes over luxury car leases Adam paid for.

Quote:

"He is unflappable...because he has no wings."
— Adam Carolla (68:32)

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6. TSA, Security Theater, and Modern Life’s Red Tape

(69:37–76:06)

• Frustration with post-9/11 security theater, the “background checks” for T-ball coaching, and the time tax imposed by bureaucracy.
• Adam’s iconic rants on wasted time: “It’s two hours out of my life. For what?!”

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7. On Fast Food, Advertising, and Comedic Observations

(83:13–88:10)

• Adam and Alison analyze McDonald's dominance, the weirdness of Wendy’s square burgers, and fast food commercials' racial and generic casting tropes.
• Extended riff on the word “McDonald’s” as pronounced “MacDonald’s" in different communities (with tongue-in-cheek cultural commentary).

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8. Relationship and Gender Dynamics—Advice-Resistant Partners

(96:00–101:40)

• Adam, Bryan, and Alison dissect why people resist advice from their loved ones but accept it from celebrities or strangers.
• Running Nate Berkus/Oprah joke: Adam invents fake “tips” and claims celebrity endorsement to demonstrate double standards in accepting advice.

Quote:

“Nate said my cock would be a good place to keep your keys.”
— Adam Carolla (98:57)

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9. Kate Flannery Interview & "The Office" Diet Culture

(135:55–142:26)

• Kate Flannery joins, discussing her role, prepping for a swimsuit episode, and the pitfalls of the "office craft services" lifestyle.
• She details “hot snack” rituals and how flour and sugar are cut for vanity.

Quote:

“I will be the butt of a joke, I will take my top off for laughs, but I will NOT be in a bathing suit and have that be the funniest part.”
— Kate Flannery (136:15)

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10. Bad Office Stories / Listener Q&A

(143:37–150:00)

• Callers compete to share their worst office tales for free charity show tickets. Stories range from sleeping with the boss’s daughter to working for a malnourished, overly thin female boss.
• Adam describes misery in travel agency jobs and the sweetness of professional payback after showbiz success.

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11. Pop Culture Riffs: The Problem with Nostalgia

(158:18–165:37)

• Adam’s epic takedown of adults obsessed with the “purity” of their childhood pop culture (Ninja Turtles, Speed Racer, comic book franchises).
• He rails against grown-up Comic Con attendees and Hollywood’s recycling of old properties instead of making new stories.

Quote:

“You’re supposed to be talking about fucking and drinking scotch and cars and hitting sales bonuses—not what they did to Aquaman, you fucking retards.”
— Adam Carolla (161:04)

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12. Other Notable Bits and Running Gags

• Repeated riffs on dietary fads, crafting the “perfect” coffee order, oatmeal cookies “ruined” by cranberries (54:27), and nuts in brownies (56:02).
• Partridge Family and sitcom “cousin” tropes for comedic effect, lampooning arbitrary recasting and sitcom logic.
• Extended banter about men’s reality TV (Man Show origins, history of “dude channels,” and the rise of testosterone-loaded reality series).

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Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• (04:27) Adam Carolla on wedding efficiency:
  “Have your quiet, private, very small ceremony...then arrive somewhere, get your dance on, get your booze on, get your cake on.”
• (11:30) Adam on aging:
  “Modern medicine has figured out how to tack on ten more years to everyone’s life, but it’s not quality years.”
• (25:53) Adam on self-discipline:
  “You become the dude who takes care of business. …If you see it, do something about it. That’s it.”
• (68:32) Adam on his dad:
  “He is unflappable because he has no wings.”
• (98:57) Adam (Nate Berkus bit):
  “Nate said my cock would be a good place to keep your keys.”
• (136:15) Kate Flannery:
  “I will be the butt of a joke, I will take my top off for laughs, but I will not be in a bathing suit and have that be the funniest part about it.”
• (161:04) Adam on pop culture man-children:
  “You’re supposed to be talking about fucking and drinking scotch and cars and hitting sales bonuses—not what they did to Aquaman, you fucking retards.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Wedding rant: 03:00–10:00
• Reflections on aging and family: 10:36–16:00
• Will’s call & discipline discussion: 18:10–26:48
• Parental disconnect/unflappable dad: 60:50–68:32
• TSA/security rant: 69:37–76:06
• Fast food and commercials: 83:13–88:10
• Why loved ones reject advice: 96:00–101:40
• Kate Flannery interview: 135:55–142:26
• Bad office stories/Q&A: 143:37–150:00
• Pop culture nostalgia rant: 158:18–165:37

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Tone and Style

True to Adam Carolla’s form, the episode brims with sarcastic, acerbic, yet surprisingly heartfelt observations about life’s dumbest realities—delivered in a riff-heavy, conversational style. Kate Flannery matches the house wit with comedic timing and authenticity, especially in her tales of “office” life and navigating Hollywood body-image pressures. The energy, chemistry, and rapid-fire banter among Adam, Alison, Bryan, and callers make this a classic “fly-on-the-wall” experience for fans of unscripted, unfiltered comedy podcasting.

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For New Listeners

Expect wide-ranging, deeply relatable (and often irreverent) comedy: from the way we mourn our elders, obsess over sugar, overcomplicate special occasions, to how nostalgia can warp adult priorities. Adam’s signature blend of brutal honesty, quick wit, and reluctant tenderness is on full display, supported by a fiercely funny supporting cast. Kate Flannery adds both behind-the-scenes Hollywood insight and infectious comedic warmth.

If you’ve never listened to The Adam Carolla Show, this is a quintessential sampler of everything that’s made it a top daily download for years.

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Transcript

[Allison Rosen]

When the moments in your life are too important to miss, you can trust

[Adam Carolla]

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[Kate Flannery]

Our professional parts people can test your

[Adam Carolla]

vehicle's battery and even give it a charge if needed.

[Allison Rosen]

In most cases, we can install your

[Kate Flannery]

new battery for free.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just one of the many services we provide at O'Reilly Auto Parts to ensure life's best moments. Don't find you stranded. Oh, oh, oh. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway. Carvana. Give it a whirlwind.

[Brian Bishop]

Love ya.

[Kate Flannery]

So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sell your car today on Carvana.

[Kate Flannery]

Pick up.

[Adam Carolla]

Fees may apply. Mom, can you tell me a story? Sure.

[Kate Flannery]

Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she brave?

[Kate Flannery]

She was tired mostly. But she went to Carvana.com and found

[Adam Carolla]

a great car at a great price.

[Kate Flannery]

No secret treasure map required.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to fight a dragon?

[Allison Rosen]

Nope.

[Kate Flannery]

She bought it 100% online from her bed, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it scary?

[Kate Flannery]

Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be.

[Allison Rosen]

Did the car have a sunroof?

[Adam Carolla]

It did, actually. Okay, good story.

[Kate Flannery]

You'll want to tell stories about Buy

[Adam Carolla]

your car today on delivery fees may apply. Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected class clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. To obtain the full archive of the Adam Carolla show, please check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com There you'll find the

[Brian Bishop]

ad free archives of the Adam Carolla

[Adam Carolla]

show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, as

[Brian Bishop]

well as the podcast Beat It Out.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you'd like to request the clip, Please email us classicsdamcorolla.com we do get an overwhelming amount of requests for clips from loveline or the KLSX Adam Carolla show that ran from 2006 to 2009 for 715 episodes that immediately preceded this podcast. While we're not able to play those clips, if you'd like to find more

[Brian Bishop]

information on Loveline or the Kayla x

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla show and the effort to

[Brian Bishop]

save that lost media. Please check out patreon.com Giovanni There you'll

[Adam Carolla]

find the most up to date information on the efforts to recover these shows

[Brian Bishop]

and share them online.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's get the clips come up. First, we have Adam Carla Show 784

[Brian Bishop]

featuring Allison Rose and Brian Bishop with

[Adam Carolla]

some Q and A's. This one's from 2012. Good day, bald Brian. That's nice. Good day, Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Carolla, Kansas City, KC Uptown Theater this Friday, March 30th. Come on out, see my buddy Philip out there. Lincoln, Nebraska. Rococo Theater this Saturday, March 3rd. This, this weekend. All righty then. No guests. The guest is to love the host. Fine. Amongst each other. And I think we'll do a little. What can Adam complain about? You guys will call in. We'll do some news as well. I was just giving Chris Laxamaxa pep talk because his poor grandmother passed away recently, but you guys were laughing at me.

[Brian Bishop]

But we're having a good laugh over that.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I'm, you know, look, maybe I'm not great at this stuff. Maybe, maybe. But I gotta tell you, I'm just trying to be honest. His grandmother passed away at 82 and my grandparents went at like 92. And the last 10 years of their life sucked. It was humiliating. It really was. They got. First off, you are at the mercy of whatever the person and whoever. It depends how much money you have. It's really, you're getting sort of carted around from place to place. Everything's a production. It's a lot of who's gonna get them. When I got married at my house, it was who's gonna get my grandma up the stairs cause a big kerfuffle because nobody was gonna be there and then everyone was gonna be at the party. Tell if you guys are down with this, with this policy, have the marriage and then have everyone show up at the reception for the party.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like have your quiet, private, you know, very small, just, you know, necessary family members. And then arrive somewhere and get your dance on, get your swerve on, get your booze on, get your cake on.

[Allison Rosen]

I like that idea. Yet I know I'm not going to do that. But I do like the idea that

[Adam Carolla]

part where everybody has to shuffle out to their car. And then there's the. Well, what do we do? Well, they're taking pictures. And then there's that part where you show up too early to wherever it is because if you're sitting in the back because he showed up Late, like the ace, man. You're then the first dude out of the church. I always think whenever I go into church there's going to be a fire for for sure. Brought on by me like a young Drew Barrymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, by my thoughts. My impure thoughts. And I like to keep it next to the door in case.

[Allison Rosen]

It's pews.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of stuff to burn in a church, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I know. There's all that paper in the books, first of all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Bibles or hymnals.

[Adam Carolla]

You got all the books. You got the hymns, you got the pews. It's a tinderbox, man.

[Allison Rosen]

It really is.

[Adam Carolla]

You got Jesus hanging there all carved out, a solid piece of mahogany. I mean that you got oil.

[Allison Rosen]

Oil anointing oil, frankincense and myrrh. That shit'll go up Sabbath.

[Adam Carolla]

Exposed beam, vaulted ceilings. I mean, that place is the wine. That place is a God damn. It's a fucking sterno shack.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you gotta get out of there. So you get out of the back of the place, but the wedding group that, you know, they're taking pictures, they're good hour behind you. Then you show up at the place and it's usually you and somebody from the grooms or bright side, you don't know. And you're milling about, right? And the food, you know, they have some sort of or d' oeuvre thing that's spread out but you don't want to it up because they've done. They've done. They've done like some sort of ambrosia salad, but it's done to the tune of the Hawaiian Islands or something. And you'd be goddamn if you're gonna take the first scoop out of that thing, right? So you sort of look at it.

[Brian Bishop]

Hawaii.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then you go to the bar and the guy's not quite ready. Yeah, that thing, by the way, I've had that thing where I show up at the bar at the event and it's an open bar, but they start serving at like 3pm and it's like 2:47. And the guy gives you the hold on. Yeah. We don't. And he's still like saying, how about that part where you just fucking bend down and hand me a Miller light and I leave. Now, you know what I'm talking about? That part of life where there's a fucking thing of Miller lights behind you and you're one hand move away from here you go, buddy. Or here's three job.

[Allison Rosen]

He should recognize that you are stressed and that you have time to kill because your only other option is to go look at the table of name tags and try to find yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

And no one wants.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had it happen at events like car auctions and stuff, where it's like, it's free. The bar opens at 3 o' clock and it's literally 2:51. And you go, hey, give me a Miller Light. And the guy goes, well, sir, we don't. And the time. Just hand me the fucking beer. And by the way, did I just shoulder roll in here? And you hear dogs barking in the background? I'm wearing a prison jumpsuit and I have like hay in my hair and I'm out of breath, or am I just wearing a fucking sweater and standing here with a wristband on?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, and bolt cutters.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How do you think I got in here? Tunneled. Like, obviously I'm here. I'm just here four minutes early. How about you hand me the fucking beer Anyway, May Chris's grandmother.

[Allison Rosen]

I do like the idea though, that if you did bust out of the pokey, some kind of convention or wedding would be the first place you'd go. And then you'd get revenge.

[Adam Carolla]

So you get there and now you have to kind of mill around and there's that weird thing when you're there, first you have to kind of. You have to say hi to everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Your face starts to hurt from that.

[Adam Carolla]

How you doing? Now here's how it should be done. Wedding ceremony. Ceremony. I guess the. I guess the. I guess the groom could be there. I guess I would like, if it just my wife was there, you know, I would assign consent forms. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You know, I do, I do, I do, Right. Some error is by proxy J to say I do. Yeah. So you know bride and groom, moms and dads, you know both sides. Preacher, you know, sister and whoever. 8:12 people, boom, done. 10 minutes max. And then you walk into the party, and when you walk into the party, everyone's already there.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a surprise party, only you know about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like exactly. It's exactly that. It's a surprise party that you've been planning for years. Exactly. Since you're a little girl, it's a total surprise party. Except for the part you've been planning it for months in advance. So you then walk in and everyone is told, get there at 3 o'. Clock, you'll be there at 3:30, boom, it is no problemo.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. And then you don't have to do the thing where you're in the audience and you're watching them get married, but their microphones cut out and you can't hear anything. You still have to react.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's always somebody who stands in the back of the church that has to hand you little shitty maps, you know, I mean, like, here's, here's how. Here's how you get to the peer view. Whatever place that you're going to, that's off of pch. And then it's the argument, you know, and you're looking at the map and you're spinning it around a few different directions. And then you always hook up with somebody you know, and you go, we'll

[Allison Rosen]

follow you right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Just here's the deal. Boom, here's the party. And who wouldn't like that better? I mean, is there. I know I'm jaded, I'm fucked up. But as the person who got invited to the wedding.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I think the only people who might not like that better are the people getting married.

[Adam Carolla]

The people or the chicken. Because I think the dude would like it better.

[Allison Rosen]

The chick. The bride is the one person.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I was about to ask Brian, but he likes tension.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I was also gonna say you chose not to show up to the ceremony, but our way to mitigate that was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's on fucking Lynette. The chicks take way too long to get ready. I'm always ready to go.

[Brian Bishop]

The way we mitigated, that was number one. We tried. We had like a 12 minute ceremony. Number two, passed out wine during the ceremony.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone, nice attending.

[Brian Bishop]

Got to drink.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, you guys started your shit right on time.

[Brian Bishop]

It was 100 degrees. We had to start it like right away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was really. But again, I don't know. I can't tell the difference between the stuff you start at 3 sharp and the stuff that starts at 3 25.

[Allison Rosen]

I think a rule of thumb is that when it costs like a million dollars a minute, it's going to start on time.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, the point is. Ah, yes, yes. Getting old. My grandparents, they both got old. They're both very vibrant people. And then they both. I'm wondering philosophically, we are dragging Everybody into their 90s kicking and screaming. But it's not kicking and screaming. It's. We're pushing them right there. We got walkers and wheelchairs and they're crapping on themselves. Well, let's be honest. Modern medicine has created a lot of medication and a lot of procedures and a lot of care and a lot of stuff that just quite honestly, viagra we have a cycle and that cycle is, you know, zero to late 70s, early 80s. And we figured out a way through science to tack on about eight, 10 more years. But it's not quality. Eight, 10 years. My grandmother was the craziest, most vibrant, lively person on the planet. And the last five, six years we're just dragging her around kind of like an old dog. Yeah. Except for. Yeah, like they just like wheelchairs everywhere. In and out of everywhere, back and forth everywhere, with no real appreciation and no real, no real quality of life.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that said though, if you're attached to the old person. Yeah, of course you selfishly want them to have more time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, honestly, it depends because once you get five years or 10 years into the dragging them in and dragging them out and nurse and all the apparatus around the place and the humiliation and the whatever. There is that part where if that goes on long enough, you do when, when they do finally pass, there's an element of, you know, there's that the best way. I'm telling you. My, my mother in law was like a fourth degree black belt and she was like 72, 73 with like, I don't know, I mean literally like 8% body fat. I told you. I mean I saw her beat the shit out of some LAPD cops. I mean she was fucking just a bobcat. It's just insane. I mean literally insane. But she was wild, you know, and she's like one of these chicks that would like, hey, hi. I mean in her 70s and she, it was but, but nuts. Just nuts. And it is a thing where my wife was actually sort of relieved, I think because of her emotional condition and because she refused to take her meds. And she was, you know, checking herself into, you know, the Ramada Inn and Reseda and ordering dinner for her and dinner for Jesus as well. And just like needed, needed medication. Needed medication. Wasn't taking it and told the story before, but it was like out of a movie where she wasn't answering her phone. And it was like 5:36 in the evening about four or five years ago. We're just sitting around the kitchen getting ready for dinner and you know, I'm always talking everybody down. You know, somebody could be holding their side going, I think I have appendicitis. I'm like, ah, it's just a little gas, you know, walk it off, you'll be fine. Lay down.

[Allison Rosen]

That's kind of like the speech you gave Chris.

[Adam Carolla]

Walk it off. It's better this way. I said, you know, take an aspirin lay down, you know, you'd be fine. So she said, I called my mom for three days and I'm not answering her phone. Now I'm worried. I said, oh, you know, she's in karate class, she's working out, she's buying food for Jesus. You know, she's fine. You know, she's a tough old cooch. She's going to outlast us all. And she's like, I'm worried. I'm calling my neighbor and I'm like, oh, don't, you know, don't bother the neighbor. Leave the neighbor out of this. I'm going to ask him if he can go over there and check on her. What do you mean check on her? She's out. She's at the gym. She goes to the gym three times a day. She's just not picking up the phone. He just missed her. And now I'm calling. So it's on the phone with the neighbor. Yeah. Hey, Frank, can you go over there? Thank you. Yeah, I'll hold on. Okay, I appreciate that. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. Poor guy's probably eating dinner. What do you want him to do? Go kick in the window over there? She's at the gym or she's eating dinner at the Olive Garden or she's beating the shit out of somebody younger than her. Oh, hold on. He's riding. Just let the guy go. She's dead. Thank you, Frank. She okay. Thank you. Hang some fun.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you say I told you so?

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, yeah, but still you

[Brian Bishop]

didn't let me finish. In heaven.

[Adam Carolla]

In heaven.

[Brian Bishop]

Kicking ass in heaven.

[Adam Carolla]

Just literally went to take a nap before the gym, didn't wake up. And fucking strong as an ox, like, just virile. A crazy, full blooded Italian woman, third or fourth degree black belt, worked out three times a day, just completely feral. Just lay down and died. Took a nap. Two in the afternoon. By the way. What? A neighbor goes over there, like opens a window, goes in there, finds a dead body, comes back.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Freak out.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't seem shaken up at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have been completely freaked out. Yeah. Yeah. That's a menchie neighbor.

[Brian Bishop]

You ever come across a dead body?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Have you?

[Brian Bishop]

No. Because that'd be extraordinarily eerie.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never shut up. I mean, you know, I've had a

[Brian Bishop]

lot, all the time neighbors, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Or whatever. I've had a lot of ranch shut down, but this, this was as fast as it got for me. I was in the cat get off the phone. Leave the guy alone. But she's. He's dead. She's dead, okay? Holy shit. I don't know about that. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, the problem with having a hunch and then being right is that then you have to wonder if you should take your hunches to heart every time you have them after that, you know,

[Adam Carolla]

I talked her out of her hunches.

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

And the will to live broker of her hunches broke her. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No one wants a hunchy chick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was moving. Fair as a moving ceremony with the. She was around long enough to meet her grandkids, which was the twins, which was nice, and I was happy about. And it was also nice to go to the funeral and see my stepdad in his bright red Members Only jacket, which I spotted from 200 yards away. I pulled up, I saw everybody wearing their dark suits and their black blazers and their black ties. And for about 200 yards, I said, who is that one dude wearing a bright red. He's like Polly Tuttle Members Only jacket. And I went, oh, that's my stepdad. And my feeling is never for him because obviously he doesn't know what he's doing. Where's mom's involvement in this? Where's her role? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

This is your mom you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've seen enough sitcoms where the woman went, ho, ho, ho. Where are you going? She's going to a funeral in a racing jacket.

[Allison Rosen]

Has your mom ever weighed in on apparel? She seemed to let the dashiki go right by her.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I really. She doesn't do a lot of weighing in. I mean, unless she's at a weight watcher's movie. Me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. What's mandatory?

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't let him. Emotionally, she doesn't do. She's not a judger. Well, actually, she does. She judges. She judges white folk who throw indigenous people off their land. But she doesn't do a lot of judging within, you know, 100 yards. Usually historical judging, you know. All right. Shall we take a couple of phone calls?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody used my rant as an answer to a test. A 15 year old from Ohio. Hey, Will.

[Caller]

Yeah, Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Will?

[Caller]

Not much. Happy to be on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Happy to have you, Will. Now, how did you get on to me, Will? Because you're a little out of my demo.

[Caller]

Well, I've always been a big fan of comedy. And a few years ago, when you were first starting podcasting, I searched for Sarah Silverman and I saw that you'd had her on a guest and you had other people that I liked. Like Kyle Gass from Tenacious D. Sure. People like that. I started to like what you were saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, man.

[Caller]

Now I listen every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Will. Yeah. Not doing a lot of dating, are you, Will? 15 year olds from Ohio. They're huge Kyle Gass fans from Tenacious D. Yeah, probably not. Probably not pulling down as much. Pussies lead the way, chubby. All right.

[Caller]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You said you used one of my rants as an answer for a test?

[Caller]

Yeah, for the Ohio graduation test. They make them take us when we're talking. I mean, they make them, we make.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, you have an Ohio.

[Caller]

Take them when we're sophomores so we can graduate when we're seniors.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Caller]

Fresh.

[Allison Rosen]

A long time to take that test.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you have the Ohio. This is a high school graduation test.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And what was the. What was the question that was asked?

[Caller]

It was an essay question. It was. What do you think is the most important trait or lesson that a parent should pass down to their kid?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Caller]

And I put, it's how to make money and why it's important. And I used all the points you talked about the day before on pod, and I think I did really well on it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I could never do essay questions because I couldn't spell or write, so I'd always have to leave that part blank. So I could only do the true and the false and the multiple choicers. And my reading was so slow that it took me way too long to get to that. I have to read every question two times, three times, but I never would fill out the stuff because it was embarrassing. Like, it was, you know, the misspellings and stuff. Especially as I got to high school and all that kind of stuff. I didn't know how to spell the theirs and all that stuff crap. So I'd always have to leave that part. I would have never graduated if they had these tests, by the way, I don't even know the graduation part. It's never come up in my life.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Never. You'd like it to be a bigger deal. I got into carpet cleaning, then

[Kate Flannery]

ditch

[Adam Carolla]

dicking, then construction, and then comedy, then radio, then whatever, and podcasts, writing books and the live shows. It's never come up. I've never. I could have dropped out. I could have just been a fucking. Just dropped out in the fifth grade when it wouldn't have made a difference.

[Allison Rosen]

True. No one's ever really asked other than making Conversation. Ask me where I went to college, what I majored in, any of that.

[Adam Carolla]

But at least I think it's more and more worthless as the years wear on. Unless there's something specifically you want to do. Will, you want to do comedy?

[Caller]

I'm thinking. I don't know if it's. Comedy is my forte. I'd like to say before I was the obese gene that called in like a month or so ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Brian. Oh, wait a minute now, Will. First off, I've been in this town long enough to know when someone has it. I'm sorry. And I'm by it.

[Caller]

I just don't want to be just doing jokes about my weight, which is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what is your weight? Let's see if we can work this out.

[Caller]

It's around 350. But I would like to say that I took all your advice the last time I spoke to you. I'm at the gym five days a week. I don't drink pop. And every other day I drink a vegetable shake. And it feels so much better.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but you haven't lost much weight, or have you?

[Caller]

I haven't lost much weight, but I've kind of built more muscle.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. How tall are you, Will?

[Caller]

About five' eleven.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so you're gonna have to do something about this. Have you spoke to a doctor about it?

[Caller]

No, I have not,

[Adam Carolla]

so.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, cutting off the soda is a good first step.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a good first step.

[Allison Rosen]

He'll be at the gym five days a week.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he's just there.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're referring to Kyle Gass's Tinkerbell as a bad sign. All right, Will.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna have to step it up. I got good news for you and bad news for you.

[Caller]

I'm ready to hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. The bad news is you're. You're gonna have to work harder than other people to maintain your physique and to maintain a proper, healthy weight. It's. There's. There's a genetic situation going on because we all. I mean, maybe when you're 45, that's one thing, but when you're 15, and I've known every 15 I've known. 15 year old I've known when I was growing up just ate shit. They all ate shit. You know, it's the sort of thing where it's like, oh, you should be, well, what 15 year old doesn't eat shit? And I'm talking about 30 years ago. You didn't think McDonald's was around 30 years ago. You think Coca Cola was around 30 years ago.

[Brian Bishop]

They're rejecting you.

[Adam Carolla]

How about this shitty? Yeah, how about this shitty? Actually was a Taco Bell that rejected me. I was embraced by McDonald's because they're class. Yes. With open red weird mittens that only had four fingers. There's plenty of junk. And every 15 year old on the planet. There's no 15 year old that's on a macrobiotic diet. They all eat like shit. And the institutional food, like the food at the schools when I was 15 was worse than it is now. So everything's. We had no idea of caloric intake. Everyone just ate everything and who gives a shit? And I have friends that are super skinny and I had friends that put the weight on. So will the bad news is you got a genetic hand dealt to you. That means you have to work harder than your average skinny dude in order to keep the weight off. The good news is that is going to build a little something called intestinal fortitude and strength and it will pay off dearly later on in life because I have buddies who ate whatever they wanted, did whatever they wanted, acted however they wanted and there was never any repercussions. Except for when you're 45 and you're a loser because you didn't build that muscle and it's not a bicep, then it's not a quadricep and it's nothing that shows up and it's nothing that looks good on the beach. But it's that muscle that gets stronger through repetition and discipline. And these guys never built that muscle and they got away with it. You're gonna have to flex that muscle early and often, Will. You ready to do that?

[Caller]

I am. I actually I started doing

[Adam Carolla]

abusive stepdad. Pulled the phone out of the wall, putting out a tipper railo on him right now. Fell off the treadmill and yelling piggy boy.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what? I was listening to the episode you were on of Paul Gilmartin. I was listening to that today and you had said the same thing, which was just be the guy that just do the first step and the next steps are so much easier. Like you made the point about leaving the coffee mugs on the floor of your truck. You're like, I can leave it there and I can get another one and. But the next thing you know, you got a whole bunch of coffee mugs in the bottom of your truck or

[Adam Carolla]

car or whatever rolling around.

[Kate Flannery]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Point is be take that first step like he's doing and next steps will be easier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And whether no matter what you think of yourself. It doesn't matter how you feel inside. You can feel fat, you won't be fat. You can feel lazy, you won't be lazy. You can feel unmotivated, but you won't be unmotivated. You just become the dude who takes care of business. I mean, I do that every day. All day. I just sort of walk around my house. It's as simple as this. I walk around my house and I look down and I see one of my daughter's little hair clips or something on the floor. And I go, huh, How'd that get there? And then I go, huh, I wonder if she needs that. And then I go, huh, Someone ought to do something about that. And then I go, wait a minute. I've thought way too much about this. And I take one step and then I step back, and then I pick it up and then I put it somewhere and I go. Every day, you go through that, every fucking day. I look at shit all day, every day. And the thing is, every damn night, every damn night, if you see it, do something about it. That's it. Just keep it take home.

[Allison Rosen]

Terrorism.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. All right, let's talk to Matt.

[Caller]

Matt, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the fat kids, they. And everybody. It's sort of. There's this thing where the worse you have it in high school. Sermon. The worse you have in high school, the better you have it as an adult, and vice versa. The better you have it. Usually the worst. It's. Usually. There's some corollary there.

[Allison Rosen]

I do. And not to show your point, but there's a few exceptions, though, that really just bother me. Like, Meryl Streep was prom queen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was class clown camera on the football team. I'm not talking about myself.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you king of the quad? What other senior superlatives did you get?

[Brian Bishop]

I got best hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, see, there you go.

[Brian Bishop]

That is 100% true, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But not in high school.

[Brian Bishop]

In high school, because I was losing my hair at that point. Let's vote. Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Best hair in a just world. The worst high school is for you. The better the rest of your life will be, and the better high school is for you, then it's just gonna be a slow downward.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's a. There's a connection there, which is you're not getting by on natural ability or God given good looks. You're having to work.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And when you work, it doesn't really pay dividends yet in high school plus, but it pays dividends in your later 20s, early 30s.

[Allison Rosen]

And not just that. I think that there are certain qualities that you can possess that just aren't things that make you a hit with 15 and 16 year olds. But later in life, you will find people who appreciate that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Really. Cultivating the new wave romantic look doesn't pay off as well now in the business world as it did when I was in high school. That's me, everybody. Class clown.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's Little Miss Ringlet's with you?

[Adam Carolla]

I think her name was Shelly something. I can't remember. I can't remember what it is, but, oh, yeah, look at me. I parlayed it into a career digging ditches. Hey, Matt.

[Caller]

Yes, I.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Matt?

[Caller]

Hey. I was getting a little relationship advice.

[Adam Carolla]

Shelly Ralston. That's right. What's going on, Matt? We'll help you out.

[Caller]

Well, maybe I guess you can, like, help me from your experiences with Howard Stern's asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, keep kissing.

[Allison Rosen]

Proceed gently.

[Adam Carolla]

I know this is the part where I hang up on you, but we got time to kill.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Caller]

All right. So, big fan, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I wish everyone was as big a fan as you, Matt. Yeah, what's going on there, buddy? That was it. You're supposed to laugh and hang up. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. So now I'm just doing my homework right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, junior college.

[Caller]

I'm actually in a senior in university.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? What are you studying?

[Caller]

Biology.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you looking to parlay that into?

[Caller]

Possibly dental school.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, irrespiritrol. Dental school. I understand that's probably a good profession. There must be somebody in your family that is into dentistry. Did somebody just arrive on that on their own?

[Caller]

Yeah, usually, like, parents tend to be dentists and kind of gets passed on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Parents that are dentists.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you have, like, gingivitis in your blood, your dad's a dentist, or a

[Allison Rosen]

hatred of gingivitis in his blood.

[Adam Carolla]

So here's the thing. I. The reason I don't need to know anything to know everything. I just know I, I, I, I would have, in another minute and a half, sussed out his dad was a dentist. Because nobody just fucking wakes up and goes, I want to look in strangers mouths.

[Kate Flannery]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And up mouths. Yeah, you got it. There's got to be somebody who's pushing you that direction.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I feel like I can understand someone becoming a gynecologist more than I can understand someone becoming a dentist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I. It is so intimate and so up and the things you see and no one respects you.

[Allison Rosen]

Really. Sorry, dentist.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because it's like you're the meter maid of physicians. Like, you're like, oh, yeah, they blame you.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, do you know a doctor?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, I've.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I know. I'm not flossing enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. So you have first off. Well, it's like when I used to teach traffic school. Everyone who was in the room on Sunday morning when we're at the, you know, Y out in Conejo was pissed at me. You know what I mean? Like, the guy comes back from the dentist like, ugh, need a fucking root canal. What a douche. I mean, like, they're mad at the dude, not. Not. Not for them for eating too much ice cream and not flossing. They get mad at the dentist stereotype

[Allison Rosen]

is that you're someone that enjoys causing pain. Whether it's true or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve Martin did not help this whatsoever. In little houses. Horrors. All right, Little shot. Quite the little chatterbox tonight, ain't ya? Wow. Hey, Matt.

[Caller]

Yeah, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

So your dad's a dentist?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Did he work on you growing up?

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody talking to you? It's weird because when dads are dentists, they work on their kids, but when dads are doctors, they don't work on their kids. Which is one more reason why dentists aren't in parents as important as doctors. Because, like, ah, it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll do it because, you know, a vet works on their own dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Plus, you got a life of at dinner parties or any kind of parties.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, look at this. What's going on with this crown?

[Brian Bishop]

I always want to Dennis a look.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, Matt. Good times, buddy.

[Caller]

All right, talk to you later.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk to you later, bud.

[Allison Rosen]

He was a live wire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was.

[Brian Bishop]

I hope not.

[Adam Carolla]

He had the right attitude for Dennis because, you know, when they get chatty because I get. I get the oh, hey, man, show guy, you know, and I get. And you know, it's hard for me to shut up too. Quite the little chatterbox tonight. It's hard for me to complain when I'm numbed up and I got the suction thing.

[Allison Rosen]

But you, I'm sure you valiantly work through that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what I do is I save them and then I shotgun them and then I go back down. Like, they'll go, you want to rinse? And I'll go, like, yeah, all right. And then they pull the thing out and then I put the water mouth. I spit it out and I go, what's with the freezing cold stream water? Why don't you have an inline water temperature? Thing. How come I don't get it? I mean, they have water circulators. Like, I have a bathroom that's far away from my water tank, but the water's warm because I have circulating pumps. And you guys should implement. Okay, I'll lay back down and then lay back down. Then I'll pop back up to rinse again. And I'll be like, what's with the crazy flavors with the weird pumice sand stuff of the cleaning? Why can't you just use spearmint? Why doesn't it just taste like toothpaste? I don't get the pina colada flavor. I don't understand it. You think I just close my eyes, I've drifted away and I'm on some exotic island somewhere? Drink out of coconut or there's some bitch winning Santa? Okay, I'll spit out. Okay, chatterbox tonight. Lay down again. I will. Then get up to rinse again and I'll go, I don't get it. The mirror that you use and all the stuff you use to kick around, can't that be made out of high temp plastic? Why does it have to be metallic? You're clanking it against my teeth. There's nothing more annoying than taking a mirror and the back of a mirror, which is chrome, and clanking the stainless steel. Everything they put in your mouth is metallic. And I don't mind the part where the scraping part is made of metal. But the handle. Why does the fucking handle that's clanking against your teeth, why does that have to be stainless? Why can't they have engine parts? Oh, okay, I'll rinse. That's how it works.

[Brian Bishop]

I loaded those drops in 2006. And what are they waiting for? You to bring out? A little shop of horrors.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Wow. Knowing someday took a long, long time. All right, Will's back on. He'll hang on for a second. Dawson, you have some emails for us. You know what? Let me give a little love to autoshepherd.com that is autoshepperd.com giving away 100 bucks all month long. Although we're getting to the end of it, baby, so let's jump in while the getting's good. Autoshepperd.com contest. We get all our parts from Auto Shepherd. You need parts, you listen. You got a computer, right? You do all your shopping on the computer. Well, get your car parts on the computer. Autoshepperd.com they have savings galore. I miss that word, galore. I feel like it Used to be used.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if my kids are gonna know what galore is.

[Allison Rosen]

What's a good thing you're slowly bringing it back?

[Adam Carolla]

Savings galore on exhaust systems and mufflers and catback systems.

[Allison Rosen]

Love those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they are kind of systems. Auto shepherd get free shipping on orders over 50 bucks. Good dudes. They have everything under the sun. It's everything for your car. Hey, man, times are tough. You got to work on stuff yourself. You can fix yourself and go to autoshepherd.com contests. You can get a hundred bucks and you don't know how it's spelled. Go to our website. All right, Dawson. All right. First question from Mike in Waukegan, Illinois. Hey, Ace, man, what is your opinion on potentially offensive team nicknames in sports like the Redskins, Braves and. And the Indians? Oh, I'm fine. You know me. I mean, it's all. It's all grandfathered in. Well, things like. First off, there are things like Redskins that are like, okay, it is kind of unbelievable.

[Brian Bishop]

There's still a team called the Redskins.

[Adam Carolla]

That is. But there were teams. They're ones like the warriors, which I don't quite get like that. To me, every culture had a Warrior, and it's a tip of the tip of the cap. And even the Braves, to me is. Well, got the word brave in there, but it's also a little bit of a tip of the cap. Like, it's. Your team. Doesn't name yourself like the. You know, you don't name yourself the tree sloths, and you don't name yourself the morbidly obese teens who fall. Kyle Gass. Although probably have to abbreviate that. Wouldn't fit on the side of the helmet. And you don't call yourself like the pedophiles or the rapists. You know what I mean? Like, the whole idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Something that you want to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Most names, like, when you pick an animal, there's a lot of eagles. There's a lot of. And you pick a person. You pick a lot of Vikings. You know, you pick. You pick something that has that sort of warrior spirit. The Eagles, man. Yeah, me too. So you pick something other than the banana slugs.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Juicy Santa Cruz.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just a bunch of stoners with the system. Like, somebody took a boat, went it. The point is this. You. Oh, yeah, you can buy. I had a shirt. I haven't talked much about this limited supply of these because I had the wrong one printed up.

[Allison Rosen]

Collector's edition.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a long story, but if you go to our website, you can take a look at the George Washington Carver T shirt, which is. Basically, it was home of the Braves, but it got changed to Vikings. I don't know if you can blow it up or not, but you'll. You'll see Naron painted it up for me. It's kind of a funny. Kind of a funny visual. It's used. Yeah, the. This. Is. This from the. The pilot? No, no, this is. This is the early. Yeah. Couldn't get the. Took a while to get this thing dialed in because everyone does the same thing. Animators are weird guys. I don't know if you know that. Yes, you do know that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I see what you mean. From the ones that I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing a pilot.

[Allison Rosen]

Architects are evil.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing a pilot for Fox and I had this idea where I had a school sign that said Washington. Sorry, George Washington Junior High. But Carver got tacked onto it. And then it was home of the Braves, but a Viking helmet got put on the Braves, and Braves got crossed out, and you could see the Vikings was put over it. And I had about 20 emails back and forth where I said, make the. Make the horns on the Viking helmet gold and make the Vikings thing in purple. And then they just come back and give me this version of it. And they'd go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And it was funny because it was Michael Naron that was doing it, and it was the guys over at Bento Box who were doing my pilot for me over at Fox, and they were both fucking it up. And at some point, about four emails back and forth, I just got super shitty and said, are you out of purple paint? Do you not have it? Because. Send these emails really weird. Like, send these little short emails that said, like, yeah, make the Vikings in purple. Make the horns gold.

[Allison Rosen]

Why weren't they doing it? Do you have any.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever get into Mike lynch should probably get on the Whatever for this, because I fear that I could really hurt some feelings. I have no idea how this process works. I had no idea that it was ever gonna work this way. I Talked to Seth MacFarlane about it once, like. And it was like tearing open a man who'd been raped a thousand times in prison and had never spoke about it and was 80 years old. I said, seth, what is up? That when you tell the animator, there's a scene in my. In my. There's a scene in my pilot, for lack of a better term, for Fox, where Mr. Burcham is sitting around and he's doing all his. He's in his sensitivity training class. And they say to him, is there any, can you think of any instances when you've been insincere? And Burcham thinks about it, has a little flashback and it's cut to. I'll give you the three scenarios. One is he's sitting at like a crosswalk and it's just written out. It's well built young black man crossing the street at a snail's pace in front of him. And he says, why are the world's fastest people the world's slowest pedestrians? And then the next one was, he's standing at a Middle Eastern joint, like a falafel joint. And there's a guy behind the counter by the register and he says, you know, it is not my people. The people of my country are hardworking and fair. It's the leaders. And Bertram says, and what part of Canada do you get them from? And then the next one was the gay guys. And I don't have to get into all the jokes, but the point is this. When I get the thing back from the animators, the black guy crossing the street is now well into his 50s and he's overweight and he has his black wife with him and she's pushing a laden shopping cart. So you've completely dismantled the joke and

[Allison Rosen]

made it less PC.

[Adam Carolla]

You've made it sort of racist. Now at this point I had a totally fit 19 year old black dude who was just crossing the street at a super slow speed to sort of fuck with me. And now you have a guy who's basically fighting diabetes and morbid obesity and you somehow decided to add a shopping cart and a 50 year old woman and a full shopping cart. So you've given them every reason in the world to go very slowly in front of me and I'm like looking at the thing and says, where does it say shopping cart and where does it say woman? And it says, well built young black man taking his time crossing the street. And then here's dialogue. I don't know where you get that kind of artistic or creative license, but stop it. You're fucking fucking up this whole process. And with the Viking thing, it was like, make the Viking helmet purple, make the horns gold slash or yellow. Making the Vikings thing purple. And then just come back, horns are tusk color, Vikings yellow. And then it goes back again, make the horns yellow, make the. And then at a certain point I just said, are you out of purple paint? Like what is going on? When I brought this up to Seth MacFarlane, he was like, oh, shit. Oh. He was like, it's like, you feel my pain. Finally somebody I can talk to about this. He said, I don't know what's going on. I don't know how it works. You write it out as clearly and concisely as you possibly can. There's almost no room for interpretation. And then they go, fuck that. The guy who worked at the falafel joint was dressed in a tuxedo. He was a mater d at a super high end middle eastern food place that I don't know if they exist and be. Burcham certainly never would have been there. He could have got dragged into a falafel joint with his wife. But why? The guy's wearing a tuxedo and you fucked the joke up. Completely. Completely killed that joke. Oh, and the wedding, the, the gay, the gay couple was a gay wedding. And I was wearing Bertram's wearing like a tuxedo. I was like, it said at a party, talking to gay couples, and they turned into a gay wedding again. Burcham wouldn't go to a gay wedding and he wouldn't be in a tux, like as part of a gay wedding. I don't know what goes on. When I brought this up to McFarlane, he went out of his mind. Did about 20 minutes of venting on it. We decided it was nerd rage. Oh, and like, and an element.

[Allison Rosen]

Know what they're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

And an element of, hey, bitch, I'm not just a hand with a pencil in it. It. I got a brain too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I get to, I get to around.

[Brian Bishop]

Those two things make perfect sense. I think there's also a little bit of stir craziness. Like I'm gonna spend 18 hours on this animation, rendering and drawing and painting that they, they eventually start triple guessing that, not guessing themselves. There's like, I'm gonna add a little this or wouldn't it be funny if he was this?

[Adam Carolla]

I I'm stir crazy I yes I I But it's fucking bizarre because it's like, like in the Burcham they called a color, but it's an animatic. It's like a nine and a half minute presentation. I'll show you guys after the show. There's a scene at the end where Burcham is going to get his payday candy bar. And he sits back and it's all written out. It's like goes to the locker room, locks the door, sits down, reaches into a cabinet, pulls out A can of spray paint. Stares at the spray paint for a beat and then unscrews the bottom of it like those fake shaving cream cans. Slides out a jumbo payday bar because peanuts had been outlawed. And sniffs it and eats it and satisfied. Well, what does that translate into? 1 gallon paint can. Pulls it out. Pulls the lid off a one gallon paint can and reach in and pulls the bar out of there. And I was like, no, no, no, no, it's. By the way, it's all written out. It's all written out. It's a can of Krylon spray paint. Primer. Looks at it, can't wonder what he's doing. Unscrews the bottom like it's. It's all fucking laid out. Here's the thing that drives me insane. How do you know what I'm talking about in the first place? Like why where you going? You only know what I'm talking about by what, what I'm telling you, right? Like how you only know by what's in the script. So why do you take a fucking U turn halfway into it? So you have to keep going back and keep going. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And it's all written out. Just written out. It's a can of spray paint. Unscrews the bottom. That's it never happens. So you have to keep going. You have to keep doing lap after fucking lap after fucking lap. It's really weird. Anyway, it came out. Yeah, but it came out great. It just takes way too fucking long. And these shirts. I couldn't get anyone to make the Viking horns gold. No matter how many times I said, just make the. I'd write these, like, I'd write these emails that like five words in them, like horns, gold, Vikings, purple.

[Brian Bishop]

How long that take?

[Adam Carolla]

Only like 25 minutes. And they'd come back with the. Come back with the horns that were made of ivory. Every fucking time. Every time. It's really fucking weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No, I mean it almost sounds like actors who decide they want to ad lib when the director's like, just do what I wrote or when the writer is saying that, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Mike Lynch. Am I using an ounce of hyperbole here? Absolutely not. I mean, I've seen the emails.

[Allison Rosen]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

This is completely accurate and it's. It is a lap after lap after lap. And just a lot of, you know, back and forth was like, is this what you, Is this what you're going for? It's like exactly what I said. Is what I'm going for. Also, people are like, well, why are you being an asshole, Adam? And why are you raising your voice? Because you guys are ruining my life because I have to go do nine fucking emails when the first one was exactly how I wanted it. Can of spray paint. Can of can of Krylon primer. Spray paint. Can bottom, untwist. Payday bar exposed. Done. Moving on. Oh, should have seen the fucking argument I had with the. Well, maybe it should be a sack of peanuts because a lot of people don't know what a payday bar is. Like, they know what a payday bar is. Well, a lot of folks don't know what a payday bar is. There's always some retard in the room, Phil. Payday bar. I don't know what a payday bar is. Are you just some plant because you're in every meeting I have?

[Allison Rosen]

No, they hire a retard for that.

[Adam Carolla]

It will be a jumbo candy bar that has a picture of a payday bar on it that is covered with peanuts. So if you don't know what a payday bar is, then you will know it is covered with peanuts when it is exposed. But no, I'm not going to use sack. Oh, peanuts. It is not going to be as effective as that. I don't know. I don't get. I don't think it hurts the joke. It does. It does. I don't think it hurts it. Yes, it does hurt the joke. Trust me, it hurts. It doesn't hurt it for me. It hurts it. You know it's going to hurt me raping you with that fucking king size payday bar dry loose.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't see how that's going to hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Just fucking do what I tell you. It's on the page. Just fucking do it. Let's get out of here. No, I don't want the guy to be in his 50s. And no, I don't want his old lady pushing a shopping cart. And you've given them every motivation on the planet to go slowly now. Thank you. Now draw it the way we previously discussed.

[Brian Bishop]

You've made this analogy before, but I understand other industries or professions, they don't second guess the instructions. You know what I mean? Like if a chef tells a cook how he wants a dish done, the cook doesn't go off and start doing,

[Allison Rosen]

have you seen Hell's Kitchen?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they get cut.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Look, once in a while they have a good idea there's something interesting or what have you. And they're Talented guys. But it's weird when it's just literally short and in black and white. This is what I want. And it's like coming back with something else. Boss.

[Brian Bishop]

But there's a time and a place for suggestions. You're not. If you're a cook, a line cook, you're not, you know, the dishes are coming back extra salty. Oh, yeah. Put twice as much salt in. Thought it'd be a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

It is, it is. It's frustrating, it's weird, and it is soul sucking. But the final product came out real good. But again, because of all the laps and laps and laps. And then what happened with the T shirt is I. I got. I did so many fucking laps. I got so confused over which one was which and which I ended up using the wrong one for the T shirt. So I printed up 250t shirts with the wrong one on it. But that like a. Like a Beatles down with like the wrong label or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Reverse Jenny Upside down Jenny. Whatever that stamp is with the airplane

[Adam Carolla]

upside down, it's going to be. It's going to be a collector's item one day in a thousand years.

[Allison Rosen]

Haven't you seen Brewster's Millions?

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. All right, should we take a quick break? We got some news. We got more of your questions. We'll be right back after this. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Hey, fan.

[Caller]

Tony from New Glasgow, Nova Scotia here. New Glasgow is the worst town in Canada, by the way. You can look that fact up on the Internet. It's true. One thing that makes everybody every week a little bit better is hearing you, Brian, Alison, all the mics kicking Ace over there at Ace Broadcasting.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Tony

[Caller]

from New Glasgow, my cat and hero and my shooty neighbors upstairs saying mahalo.

[Adam Carolla]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Yeah. Oh, do I got something to complain about? I was reminded of somebody sent to some cookies first. Big commerce. That's right. Using that E Commerce, you got a business you gotta get. You gotta get tapped into the Internet, my friend. That's what we're doing over here. BigCommerce. They will take care of everything you need.

[Allison Rosen]

It's everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything. It's a bonanza.

[Allison Rosen]

Bonanza.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the other word? I. Galore.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a bonanza.

[Brian Bishop]

Galore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's bonanza. Galore. It's a one stop shop. They got all the tools to help you set up and successfully run your online store, the web design, the shipping Social marketing, accounting, analytics.

[Brian Bishop]

That's awesome. Because if you're good at making anything, hats or scarves or what have you shitty everything else, they'll take care of it for you.

[Adam Carolla]

They've already helped drive 750 million. That's million with a B in sales or business in just two years. They got to be doing something right. They got a limited time offer, they got a 30 day free trial. So if you want to build something, you got something to sell, you got an all. You got a store that's brick and mortar and you want to go online or you just want to start it an online business. BigCommerce. BigCommerce.com Go to BigCommerce. Click on the radio icon on the home page and enter my name. That's how you get the deal. You can build a fully functional store at no expense. But you got to tell them Adam sent you. So you click on the radio icon bigcommerce.com and type in Adam. All right, somebody see who sent me these. Kyle. Kyle Coleman. Kyle sent us a bunch of cookies and he sent us oatmeal cookies. I could hear Dawson eating them back. He's eating them right now, and he sent us nice big plain oatmeal cookies. And he's from Portland and he says, thanks for getting it on in Portland. We love the show. Couldn't wait for you to come back again, blah, blah, blah. And he sent us out oatmeal cookies, plain oatmeal cookies. Because when I was in Portland, I did the first 10 minutes on oatmeal cookies. Because in the dressing room, I don't eat them. It's not part of my rider. My rider is the cup of coffee, the couple light beers, the water, and the little platter of vegetables. Just because you'll get scurvy on the road. That's all I have. And then Mike August eats everything else. You're not sailing to India, Mike August. I'm telling you, when you're going through the. When you're doing the airport thing and the travel thing, you end up. You won't eat a fucking fruit or vegetable for three days straight. And I know it'll be my chance to chomp down on some carrots and some braka flour or whatever just to get a couple nutrients in my body. I always order because I'll kill myself if I'm ordering quesadillas and shrimp poppers and shit like that. I'll just go out on stage and go to sleep. So have the water, have the coffee, have the beer. Have the veggie platter. Mike August has added oatmeal cookies to the list, which is fine.

[Brian Bishop]

It's written in. In pencil,

[Adam Carolla]

actually. Yeah. In cookie dough. It has written in. So Eve's added oatmeal. But when we went to Portland, Portland's highfalutin, and we got the oatmeal cookies, and it had the bits of cranberry throughout. And Mike didn't want the oatmeal cookies with the bits of cranberry. He eat anything. And he did eat it. But the deal is this, as I've said, when somebody orders oatmeal cookies, isn't it just fair to assume they want oatmeal cookies?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, does anyone ever order. Like, if you ever said, like, I got a hankering for oatmeal cookies, and then somebody brought you an oatmeal cookie, like you said, go out and get me a baker's dozen of oatmeal cookies, because I love oatmeal cookies. And I got a craving for them. And then they came back and brought you the oatmeal cookies. Is there ever a scenario where you went, where's the bits of cranberry? And they went, you said you wanted oatmeal cookies. Yeah, but with cranberries. And they went, but you never said anything about it. Yeah, but you should have known that I wanted bits of super sour, bitter red things in the middle of my oatmeal cookies. And he went, take this shit back and don't come back until you get oatmeal cookies with the afore unaformentioned bits of cranberries in there. Because that's my whole point with all this shit. What percentage of people go, oh, thank Christ. There's bits of shit that aren't supposed to be an oatmeal cookies in these oatmeal cookies. Because that's exactly what I had in mind, even though I didn't put it in my writer.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Zero percent.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it is. Zero percent thing.

[Allison Rosen]

So I feel like if they wanted them, they would order the oatmeal cookies with cranberries or whatever. Surprise.

[Adam Carolla]

It would get worked into the writer. What are we doing? This is the thing with the coffee. It's the shit with the fucking iced tea. It's everything else I like we have. Don't worry, boss. We're gonna add shit that you didn't ask for. How about you just fucking give me what I asked for, whether it's a drawing or whether it's an oatmeal cookie and we'll never have a problem. And if we do have a problem, it'll be on me, because I was the one who forgot to tell you to get the little bits of super bitter berry in the middle of my oatmeal fucking cookies.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, let's back to the obvious question. How do you feel about nuts in brownies?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't mind nuts and brownies, but the thing about nuts, I love nuts. I am. I am crazy. Someone saying nuts. Hold on. Okay. I love nuts and I love. I love. I love walnuts in, like my Toll house cookies and. And all that. I'll take walnuts in just about anything. I'll put them in oat. I'll put them on making oatmeal. I'll dump the walnut, crushed up walnuts in there and the brown sugar and all that kind of. I love it, so I'm partial for it, but. And I feel like nuts to brownies is sort of acceptable. Like it's a variant. It'll either be there or it won't. Maybe it's a coin toss. I would never complain if somebody brought me brownies and it didn't have nuts in it.

[Allison Rosen]

If you didn't want them, you'd specify brownies without nuts because it's something you could expect.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't feel like you would anticipate cranberry pieces in an oatmeal cookie. You couldn't, right? So the deal is this. When somebody says they want oatmeal cookies, just fucking get them oatmeal cookies. I know I'm sounding like a dick. I don't eat the oatmeal cookies. Mike eats the oatmeal cookies. I'm just saying this whole thing has gotten out of control. And it started with the fucking passion fruit iced tea. And I told everybody, this is it. This is the first shot in the war against the taste buds. But nobody listened. Oh, no, no, no. And now we're all paying dearly for it. There's gonna be. And again, we're trying to start this deal where I'm gonna have to have one of my kids go into a restaurant while I film it. My cell phone, when he goes into anaphylactic shock over the passion fruit and the iced tea so we can get this fucking shit off the table. It's driving me nuts just saying this. If you want coffee, if you want iced tea, if you want oatmeal cookies, that's probably what you want. If you ordered huevos rancheros, you probably want huevos rancheros. And if you order a club sandwich, you probably fucking want a club sandwich. Not your sh. Version of a club.

[Allison Rosen]

Would that be. All of us are aware that there are.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Pister. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyone who's been on this earth for, you know, a few years is aware that there are different ways you can order things. So if you're just ordering the standard. That's what you're expecting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And we've all done the part where we've done the thing. Where we've ordered the thing and said, could I have some sour cream on the side or do whatever you've dialed in your shit. The way you've dialed in your shit. Like, we've all done the. I ordered the omelettes scrambled up because I like them in that form better than the omelette form. I know what I'm doing. I got it. And if I want the cranberries in the fucking oatmeal cookies, I'll tell you. If not, do it. And maybe secretly, when you drop off the oatmeal cookies, I'll go, shit, I wish they had cranberry pieces in there. But that, again, that'll be on me. Not. Not. You should have been in the Writer.

[Brian Bishop]

Apropos to ordering things the way you like them and you know, the way you like them. Order. They, a couple days ago, order a martini with gin, shaken. And the bartender gave me one of these. Shaken. You sure? I'm like, yeah, I know how I like this. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that guy.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't need the commentary.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that guy, too. Yeah, I want to make sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Makes it cloudy, it'll go away. I know how I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not fucking it. You're trying to catch a buzz. All right, let's get into the news in one second. Somebody said they used my advice to get out of depression. I gotta. Listen to me. What's going on? Lindsay?

[Caller]

Hi, Adam.

[Kate Flannery]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Lindsay, what's going on?

[Caller]

Good. Hey.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I was really nervous about

[Caller]

talking to you, but this 50 minutes I've been at home have calmed me right down.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, sweetie. P. You're welcome.

[Caller]

Yeah. You said something years ago that has always stuck in my head. You were talking to somebody on Loveline and somebody was saying they couldn't get out of bed and they couldn't go to work. And you said, here's what you have to do. You just have to say to yourself, what would a sane person do? The same person would get up, the same person would get dressed. The same person would shower So I felt myself in a situation where I just hated my fucking life. Yeah, you say that right.

[Adam Carolla]

Go, girl.

[Caller]

Okay. Yeah. So I just. I didn't want to do anything. And I thought to myself, shit, I gotta get the oil changed in the car. What would a sane person do? Same person would go get the oil changed in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You just have to act sane. Society will get out of the way. Who knows what's going on in the deep recesses of everyone's brain? But you act sane, you act effective, you act motivated, and you even act happy. And guess what? You'll just be that person eventually. Everyone says, well, don't oversimplify it. You can't. But let me tell you something. Line 5 wants to know about my dad and. Thank you. Who's a therapist. And I've gotten this argument with him before. Sarah?

[Caller]

Yes, Hi.

[Adam Carolla]

Philly. That's my dad's hometown.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm actually a longtime listener and

[Caller]

I've been meaning to call on this question forever.

[Kate Flannery]

I just.

[Caller]

It always strikes me as odd. You talk about how your parents were so disconnected and your dad just couldn't be bothered, and then you had, like,

[Allison Rosen]

this whole show with him and Ray

[Caller]

where they seem to have this connection where he solved all his problems and fixed his life for him. And how does that happen?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you have a guy who

[Caller]

doesn't connect to his kids, become a therapist that helps other people? I don't understand that.

[Adam Carolla]

Life Lessons with Jim Carolla, Wednesdays on Ace Broadcasting Network. Well, I think we've all kind of figured out. I mean, ironically. But they always say the contractor has the worst house on the block. You know, there is an element of probably wanting to repair something that you can't really repair unless you had a time machine. So I do think it is the folks specifically that may have had a harder time with their own family and meaning their family members and their kids specifically, who may want to be going on and trying to sort of repair something that's irreparable, but doing it now with somebody other than their own. So I don't think it's that ironic. I mean, it feels ironic, but it sort of makes sense. I'm sure 91% of therapists had a childhood that was less than perfect, and thus it drew them to it. It wasn't like I had a perfect childhood. And it's kind of like saying, you know, the guys who get into the drug counselors counseling were former junkies, and it might seem a little ironic. Well, where are you telling people not you were living in a fucking refrigerator box six years ago. That's the point. That's what attracts you to it so oftentimes. So, you know, my dad has a lot of do as I say, not as I do, and my dad's very good at it. I mean, he has a gift. He just. He doesn't really. He approaches it in a sort of nuts and bolts kind of way, but he doesn't. He doesn't really understand the connection. But it's not his fault in the sense that I. My dad just grew up in an insane time in an insane place. South Philly, by the way. I went to his house. It is pretty hardcore down there. Yeah. Hardcore piece of shit. My dad was rudderless his entire life. I just don't think my dad knew or cared, really.

[Caller]

Do you ever think of making an appointment with him? You know, to get. To get the time you seem to crave that you never had as a kid?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. I don't really. I don't really talk to my dad. He doesn't. But my dad doesn't know it, so you don't have to talk to him. He doesn't really. He doesn't really understand it, you know, but he has to be an intuitive person in order to relate and help other people.

[Caller]

How does he not realize. He must, in his recesses, realize that his relationship with you is broken.

[Adam Carolla]

He has to realize that he doesn't know what it's like to have a relationship with a son or a daughter for that matter. He has nothing to compare it to. You understand? Like, his dad died when he was 18. I don't think he had much of a relationship with him. He didn't have much of a relationship. You see, a lot of people base things on a sort of sane standard. Like, I don't get it. You're all league and he lives across the street. Why isn't he going to those games? Like, he doesn't. Why isn't the fucking cat going to the game? Like they're not there. They don't. They've never understood it. They've never had that connection. There never was that connection. My dad's never. My dad's floated his whole life. He didn't have that connection with his dad. He didn't have that connection with his mom. I don't think he's ever had that connection with anybody. He's never had that connection with his kids. He's not a bad guy. It's just. He doesn't have it and he doesn't really Notice it. You could not talk to my dad for two years. He wouldn't notice it, per se. You know, and same with my sister. Doesn't talk to my dad. Really. He doesn't notice it. I mean, he has two kids that don't really talk to him, and he doesn't. He's fine with it. And it's kind of what he wants. His goal in life is to be left alone. That's the whole point. That's the plan. I don't know why he had kids. I don't know if it was a mistake, but the plan was to kind of be left alone. And he's getting his wish, but he doesn't know it. I mean, I told you I used to lease him a luxury car every year, and I stopped because he stopped driving it. When he would come over and I would tell him, you got low mileage and I gotta turn the car in and you want a new car and it's costing me a bunch of money. And he was like, what's the difference? And I was like, I'm less inclined to lease you your third or fourth luxury car because you don't drive the car. I'm currently leasing you to my home when you come to visit, and you're way under the mileage that I've already paid for in advance, and it's going to be turned in in two weeks. And when I don't see you driving it, it makes me not want to lease you a new car. And he said me to.

[Caller]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, you don't get that? And he said, I didn't know there was terms and conditions to it. And I said, there's not terms and conditions to it. It makes me feel less like I'd like to do it for you. And I'm making that decision now. And he came over two weeks later and he's driving my stepmom's CR V again. I said, dad, you don't get it, do you? And he said, actually, I didn't really get that part about the mileage. And I said, it's pretty simple. I paid for 32 or 36,000 miles. You're at 24,000 miles and we're past due to turn it in. They're not giving me money back. I already paid for that. And you don't drive that car, and that car's going back. And this car you do own and you put mileage on it, and it doesn't make sense that you put mileage on your old lady's car and not on the one that I've already paid for, which is a luxury car. You're driving a fucking CR V. And he's like, I don't get it. And I said, all right, well, I'm not leasing you a new car. And he said, okay. And he's never brought it up again. And he's poor. I mean, he wants me to lease him a car. Never brought it up again.

[Allison Rosen]

So bizarre.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not doing it out of spite, and he's not making a stand. He's, A, that bad a businessman. And B, it's literally. It's not bitter. It's like. It's never come up. My dad.

[Brian Bishop]

Dad is actually right where he wants you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He is unflappable because he has no wings.

[Allison Rosen]

I think what Sarah's asking, though, is that if he's so unable to connect to another human being and, you know, take the temperature of a situation, be perceptive, etcetera, how is it that he can actually connect to patients or clients and help them? And maybe it's just that in the therapy situation, if there's very clear boundaries, it's for a set amount of time, they're paying money, and you don't have to connect on, like, a gut level. It's just a sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's almost a professional thing, but this is an emotional thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that's exactly it.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't have that. He can intellectually figure it out very well. He's very skilled at that. And he even has a gift for it. He's put on this earth to do that, but not to be a dad. I mean, he's just not. And not a bad guy. He's worse than a bad guy. He doesn't understand. He just. It's. He's not. It's not in him. He doesn't have an ounce of that in him. It's a weird thing where if your kid, you know, plays in a ball game and hits a home run, you either get that feeling of, oh, you know, that electricity through you, or you don't. And if you don't, you're probably dead. And maybe it means you never were alive. And that's essentially where I come from. I come from that group.

[Brian Bishop]

Unflappable because he has no wings. That did not go unnoticeable, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thanks, buddy.

[Allison Rosen]

I heard it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Why am I smelling good food all of a sudden? Soup. Yeah, someone's making soup. All right. Should we do a little news? You heat up the news. I'm going to tell you folks, you want some more insights? Forget about my dad. How about Dennis Prager? Me and him going to San Diego. Saturday, May 5th. We have a little exclusive front, 400 seats, the golden Circle. You can use our link. It's on our. It's on our site. Use the links on our site. Now it's Spreckles in San Diego. Me and Prager back on stage again. People dug the first one so much. We're getting back together.

[Allison Rosen]

There's more meaning of life to uncover,

[Adam Carolla]

more to get through. All right, let's do a little news, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. At Dallas. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it

[Allison Rosen]

up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam, have you seen this video of a three year old in a cast being investigated by the TSA at o'.

[Caller]

Hare?

[Allison Rosen]

The family was going to Disney World.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And the face of Alada was stopped. Here it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Glad they filmed this.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's actually kind of sad because you can tell the boy, the little boy is fighting back tears and he says that he just wants to go be by his mom and his dad is kind of helping him. But, you know, they swab the cast and they swab. There's a lot of swabbing. I don't know what it is. They're looking for

[Adam Carolla]

strange peas. I don't. Listen, listen. And

[Allison Rosen]

do they have the science there to test whatever? Because they take these pads and they like rub them on his body and in the cast and stuff. And then they take them back there and put them under a something or do a something.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but what is it, first off, Al Qaeda? I tip my cap to you. You've won. You've won. You don't have to take down another building or another plane. You've won. We have kids in cast that are going to Disney World and they're being swabbed down for gunpowder. You've officially won. You do not need to take out another pizza parlor or another trade center. You have won this war. We are killing ourselves. I've been fucking yelling about this for a million years. We're goddamn retarded. I was sitting. You know, again, the real commodity, there's, you know, we talk about life. You know, what's the commodity? Well, money. No. Time. Time is the commodity. And we all buy into this. And it's insane what we're doing to ourselves. It's self imposed. That's the insane part. There's a part of life where it's like, look, you're a farmer, and you put some seeds in the ground, you put a little fertilizer, some water down. And then somebody goes, I'm hungry. I want some corn. And you go, man, you got about four months. I don't know what I can do about it. This is. We're taking a year to grow the corn, and we're adding eight months, and we're doing it to ourselves, and then we're making a big long line to get the corn when we don't need to. To we're fucking with ourselves. I just had this fucking conversation last night. I was sitting around the table. The wife was doing, why aren't you helping out with practice, with T ball? I said, because I'm not gonna go get that fucking retinal scan, and I'm not gonna go get the fingerprint. Why not? It's blah, blah, blah. And everyone goes, what's the big deal? What's the big deal? So it doesn't. You know, it only costs 18 bucks. No, no. It's two fucking hours out of my life. It's two hours. Yeah, but for what? But then you got. You know. For what. For what? This whole thing where it's like, you know, I'm not a pedophile. You know, I'm not a Pepa. You know, this guy's not Al Qaeda. You know, there's no fucking gunpowder up this kid's ass. Yeah, I know, but when did we turn into that society? We know. We know. We know. But go drive over there. But go stand in line. But go give the guy 19 bucks. But go get yourself fingerprinted, and then you can go to the. Whatever. I know, but. Okay, listen, why don't I just fucking walk in a circle?

[Allison Rosen]

I'll just do it for your own safety.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay, for my own safety, I'll just run in place and run in a circle. I mean, how about this? Or how about. How about we'll do this? How about I'll go to fucking trash can in the airport, I'll dump everything on the ground, and then I'll put the trash can back, and then I'll put everything back into the trash can, and then I'll dump it on the ground one more time and I'll put it back, and we'll do it every time we get on a flight, and everyone will go, well, come on, just do it.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you feel about when you're paying with a credit card for Something. And then they ask to see your license, which actually I understand. They always say, oh, it's for your protection. I'm like, I get that conceptually, but you're accusing me of using a fake credit card.

[Adam Carolla]

I am so broken that if anybody asks to see my license, Jimmy said it 10 years ago, he said, we just need ID ball caps where like, everyone just puts the cap on. You just travel. Because the thing where you're pulling the thing out, you're pushing the thing back, and it's always getting lost. And half the time they want it, and half the time they don't want

[Allison Rosen]

it right at the airport.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think for me, at the airport, they want 100% of the time. But the Home Depot, it's 50, 50 with the credit card. Sometimes it depends on the amount. Sometimes there's a hey, man, show element to it. But we're just killing ourselves. We're drowning in our own stupidity. And we built. Built lake Stupid. We built damn retarded around it, and now we're going to dynamite it and drown ourselves in it. We don't need to do it. I've been saying it for years and years. There's no reason. And it's our fucking fault because we don't demand it. We all just get in line and go, well, racial profiling is wrong and we shouldn't. Other people shouldn't have to. Fuck that. There's no reason why everyone should have to pay for this. Whatever. That ability to streamline the whole thing, which is coming up, and I don't know why. Why we're so simultaneously smart and dumb and why we didn't figure this shit out 15 years ago. I mean, 10 minutes after 9, 11, somebody should have said, look, we need to get a list together of people that are frequent and safe flyers so that they can get through the airport quickly because their business runs on these people again. And part of it is our pussification of our society, which sees a guy blasting through line. A line at the airport and goes, how come he gets to go through before me? Well, he paid 100 bucks and he submitted to a security and background check. Well, I don't think it's right that I have to stand. Well, you don't think it's right? Then pay $100 and submit to a security check. Well, I don't want to pay $100. Okay, well, then get the fucking line and shut up.

[Caller]

Stop.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so tired of it. It's like, look, he paid $100. He's going through line. He filled out a bunch of paperwork, he paid 100 bucks, he's admitted to a background check, and now he's going through a line. Why does he get to. Because he did this. Now, if you'd like to do it, you may pay $100. If not, shut the fuck up. And by the way, instead of giving the guy the stink guy, thank him, because he'd be in front of you in a line and you'd be one position back. Jesus Christ. Let's just fucking implement. What do they do in other countries? Can we just find the smart countries? What's Japan and Germany do? Just find smart countries and figure out what they do. Getting one big long line and frisking Every white 3 year old is not what they do. I guarantee it.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of smart countries, 14 employees at a Florida law firm were fired for wearing orange shirts. They say they were wearing them so that when they went out for happy hour drinks, they'd stand out as a group. This is something they often do on payday Fridays. But on a recent payday Friday, they were called into a conference room where an executive said he understood there was a protest involving orange. The executive said anyone wearing orange for an innocent reason should speak up. One employee immediately denied involvement. It's like 12 angry men. Like the Gators fan employee immediately denied involvement with a protest and explained the happy hour color. The executives conferred outside the room, returned and upheld the decision. All were fired without severance. Yeah. Okay. Well, so anyway, it doesn't. It doesn't. It's very confusing because why would people be fired for wearing orange shirts?

[Adam Carolla]

And Florida is kind of the orange state. You know, they do a lot of citrus work over there. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

They. We have a video interview with one of the fired employees explaining a little. And I explaining her version of what she thinks happened.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a new manager that started on March 2nd there. I guess she had a complex about tanning. Tanning. She's orange. So they said we were actually threatening Elizabeth Wellborn. Sure. Which she was nowhere in the building to be found when this was going on. Her husband was the one who fired us. 14 of us called us all into the conference room and just fired us. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

And then she goes on to say that she loves the color orange. And you notice her patio is orange. Her shirt is orange. She's got orange.

[Adam Carolla]

She's orange. I'm sure the parakeet was orange, Budgie.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Adam Carolla]

Tracy Metro always wore orange. Here's the thing. This other thing we're doing in Our society, where people are allowed to feel threatened when there's no threat, you're allowed to say you felt threatened, and then we're allowed to say, shut the fuck up, pussy. That thing where people go, I felt threatened. You didn't feel threatened. You're looking for an excuse to fire someone or you're looking for excuse for a payday, but you never felt threatened. Did you really feel threatened?

[Brian Bishop]

You can never prove that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. You can't tell how I felt.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I was threatened.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's different than.

[Adam Carolla]

So they're having fun because the chick does sprays on the tan a little too thick.

[Allison Rosen]

So you think that is what they were doing? You think they were mocking her?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if they weren't mocking her, that's a pretty weird excuse she just gave. And most people don't improvise that quickly.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think she was saying that she. My understanding of that is that she was saying that's what she thinks is the reason that he fired. That he fired them because he thought that they were mocking the wife. But I don't think she was saying they were.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me hear her again. I know she may not have been admitting to it, but she was essentially

[Allison Rosen]

the person with orange.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a new manager that started on March 2nd there. I guess she had a complex about tanning.

[Kate Flannery]

She's orange.

[Adam Carolla]

So they said. We were actually threatening a Elizabeth Wellborn, which. She was nowhere in the building to be found when this was going on. Her husband was the one who fired us. 14 of us called us all into the conference room and just fired us. Well, yeah, she's making. They're making fun of her.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, then fuck them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, don't fuck with the boss's orange wife. I mean, she wants to dress like a Caltrans cone. That's her business. No, she. Here's what happened.

[Caller]

Happen.

[Adam Carolla]

They got a new supervisor who was the boss's wife or the. One of the boss's wives. Nobody likes that person because it's always like. It's like why everyone hates the Trump boys, you know, oh, daddy's money. Oh, what are you here for? Oh, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

And no one ever appreciates someone new coming in that suddenly is above you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So then you do what you do when you don't like somebody. You pick out one thing that the person has. Hopefully physically. Hopefully, they're fat. Hopefully there's something you can do to kind of fuck with them that you can all kind of unite with.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

She sprayed on the tan a little too thick. They had some fun with it and they all decided to fuck with her.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's what they were doing.

[Allison Rosen]

Now listen, when you put it that way, I feel less bad for them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she said she was orange. Yeah, she said she had a thing with this. With the tan and she was orange.

[Allison Rosen]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, why else would they do? But unless they have. Unless they're. Like I said, they're huge Gator basketball fans and they made the final Four or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a very unforgiving color, I must say.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, no, they're fucking with her. And, you know, the deal is, is you shouldn't be. Everyone should be able to laugh that kind of shit off. But when you fuck with the man's wife, then the man's gotta fucking cut you loose because if you don't stand up for the old lady. Had that happen a few times in my career. It's not a comfortable home life. There's nothing women hate more than the. I was telling Sharon, blah, blah, and you took share. I was just saying I thought she may have had a point. Why can't you ever back me up? How come I'm never right? Why are you? You know, you don't get into that shit.

[Allison Rosen]

And I had one of those recently. I had a. I finally figured out why it is. It bothers me when this happens because I don't feel emotionally supported.

[Adam Carolla]

If everybody showed up wearing orange and that was your partner and you knew they were fucking with your partner.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That partner said to you, they're fucking with me. If you didn't go fuck with people, you'd never get another blowjob.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not in that relationship and I already want to can them. Because 14 people quietly fucking with you, that's kind of bullying. I mean, that's shitty. Yeah, Obviously it's not illegal, but it's just like the kind of immature bullshit you shouldn't have to deal with in your work life. If that is what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're hoping that your cock has a Tang ring ever again, you'll fire those people. I'm guessing she lives mainly on Tang.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably she tans her lips and Cheetos. Any orange food, really.

[Adam Carolla]

And proudly has like a. Probably has an altar of Anita Bryant in her. You guys can Google that. Anita Bryant just. She offers like Tangelos too, if she wants it.

[Allison Rosen]

So Florida is an at will state for employment, which means that unless there's a contract, an employer can fire a worker for a good reason, for a bad reason or a wrong reason. It's not unlawful.

[Adam Carolla]

Tsunami hit the bricks. Orangeman go back to Syracuse.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you know that Wendy's has un Syracuse?

[Adam Carolla]

Just orange men.

[Brian Bishop]

They used to be the orange. Now they're the orange men.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now. Now it makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, finally.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry, it's the other way around. Either way, orange or orange.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're probably the orange men. And now they're the orange.

[Brian Bishop]

They went just to orange.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe because they're like the Stanford Cardinal, which is just the color. Cardinal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll figure that out.

[Allison Rosen]

No offense to this couch, but orange is one of my least favorite colors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you guys weigh in now. They're the orange. Yeah, they must have been the orange men because they're probably some grace that they were going after.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably makes sense.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you like orange? Is it one of your favorites?

[Adam Carolla]

Orange as a color? No, different. It's no good on a sport coat, but it's cool on a sports car. But it has to be the right vintage, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Like the right place in time kind of.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a great, you know, there's great old Porsche color that's orange. Like early 70s, 911 orange. Cool cover. There's a Datsun Z car, orange that's kind of cool. It's this. It's cool old vintage color. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

No problem. Wendy's has unseated Burger King as America's number two selling hamburger chain. Burger King held the title since at least 1972, which evidently, much like, you know, the world has been around before history. Because history is the, you know, recorded, recorded version of events. Well, since 1972 is the recorded version of burgers.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Hold on. You saying super creepy skinny guy in tights and buckled shoes with king mask on waking up in people's bed campaign wasn't wildly effective?

[Allison Rosen]

Keep your pants on. That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying that guy scared the fuck out of everybody and made you lose your appetite because you brought up your lunch, made you not want to go to Bernie.

[Allison Rosen]

I know it's unpopular, but that is what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck is going on?

[Brian Bishop]

Animated girl, Red headed girl with pigtails. Better than the freakish King. That's unbelievable.

[Allison Rosen]

I know I'm putting myself in the line of fire, but that is what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

With homoerotic overtones.

[Brian Bishop]

The devil you say.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Give me the King and the noid any day of the week.

[Allison Rosen]

Wendy's US sales totaled 8.5 billion last year. Just beating out Burger King's 8 point.

[Adam Carolla]

Call me old fashioned, but somehow the square burger's weird to me.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why. I've never really eaten at Wendy's. They never really had them around when I was growing up. It's ironic that it's called the Old Fashioned. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

When it's so newfangled, dude. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had Wendy's or Brian, Wendy's and Burger King. But I don't remember.

[Brian Bishop]

Can't remember. Maybe in college when I was fat. But I. Teddy Wardsworth, Jack in the Back Box and Burger King.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice tacos.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, had my fair share of tacos.

[Adam Carolla]

I always thought the Jack in the Box apple pie was highly underrated and quite a bit better than the McDonald's, but that's me.

[Allison Rosen]

Interesting. Bold. And they still make that?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Far as I can tell.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. So Wendy's made 8.5 billion last year. Burger King 8.4 billion. Do you want to guess what McDonald's made though?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

As number one.

[Adam Carolla]

26 worldwide.

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is domestic

[Brian Bishop]

versus. Versus. How much? 25.

[Adam Carolla]

19.2.

[Allison Rosen]

No. 34.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Billion.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Tired of seeing that. McDonald's has the worst commercials ever. They've always been as middle of the road. Just they try to be a little bit funny. It's usually the chick who's a little bit smarter than the dude. It's the couple of sort of their. It's like they have the world's most sterile black people sitting in there, you know, like super light skin with pointy noses that pose no threat to anybody in the neighborhood. And they just sit there. And then there's the Latina couple, a Latino couple that sort of sits there and they're all. Everyone is a little too good looking. And it's. Once in a while they make a stab at humor. And it's. And it's fucking horrible because it's what happens when you can't really do something like there's way too many chefs in that kitchen. Pardon the pun. There's way too many people that has to pass. If it's anything that's ever the least bit edgy or interesting, it'll get squashed immediately.

[Allison Rosen]

They had a weird spate of commercial. Short lived spate of commercials for. It wasn't chicken nuggets. It's something like smaller like chicken popcorn, shrimp sized chicken nugget things with only Asian people in the commercials. Did anyone see these?

[Adam Carolla]

I Missed the ones when I was growing up. I don't think the ham anymore, but just be the all black version of the, you know, Raisin in the sun

[Brian Bishop]

version on certain channels and certain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and you just start with that. I own my own McDonald's in the neighborhood. It's like, you show the black, hot looking black chick pouring the coffee, and then all of a sudden, you know, it's like another black guy walking in, and then the black.

[Allison Rosen]

What channel am I watching?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what's up? What's going on here?

[Brian Bishop]

Mm, I just wanted to watch passenger 57.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of television, mad men season five.

[Adam Carolla]

You notice that black folks cannot say McDonald's. They have to go McDonald's. What is up? I just feel like that, you know, ask and acts. All right, I'll give you that. It's a cultural thing, but it's. It's McDonald's.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever asked. When you're a black fan, we're gonna have to.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna have to talk to my black fan and figure that one out. I. I could ask Dag, but I feel like. I feel like he's out of touch. Yeah, he's living up in the hills. He's riding a Ducati. He ain't black.

[Allison Rosen]

You talked to Arsenio?

[Brian Bishop]

Same problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Same problem.

[Brian Bishop]

Alonzo Bowdoin?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He might know somebody. I just want. Every black guy always says, your friends

[Allison Rosen]

are a cram box.

[Adam Carolla]

MacDonald's. It's true and it's weird. And I don't know. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying I only say McDonald's because that's the way people say it. It's like when your dad says, you know, Seinfeld or something. It's like, listen, I didn't make this up. That's how he pronounces his name. So thus I'll say it the way he pronounces it. That's. I'll go. I'll do that with the countries. But, you know, it's always that thing where it's like. It's. However the news guy pronounces it, that's how I'll pronounce it. I wouldn't know otherwise. I'm not going rogue here. It's just been called McDonald's. So I don't call it McDonald's because everyone else calls it McDonald's.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you were in a room full of black men? I know this wouldn't happen, Adam, but

[Adam Carolla]

what if you were, like, being raped

[Allison Rosen]

or just hanging just Hanging out maybe before or after and they were all MacDonald's then what would you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean like giving a pep talk? All right, boys, special teams. Gravity helmets, not a chair. Let's go, people. I've tried to picture the group of black men I'm with.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

You could be coaching a team.

[Adam Carolla]

Prison lecture.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. That makes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just trying. I'm trying to picture a context here.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe you're telling them about life on the outside. That will include my own.

[Adam Carolla]

My own McDonald's in the neighborhood. Yeah, that's probably go with McDonald's. I wouldn't want to cause a riot.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, like, if you move to England, for how long would you not adopt a British accent? Well, start going British.

[Adam Carolla]

I would start saying, like, boot and bonnet just to get. Just for the sake of clarity and

[Allison Rosen]

like, where's the lift?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Lou and things like that. Because you wouldn't want people not understanding what you were saying or thinking.

[Allison Rosen]

You're pretentious.

[Adam Carolla]

I would try to keep my nasally drone to get laid, though, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's just good thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I think chicks like different, you know? And why blend it?

[Allison Rosen]

You'd be like the Hugh Grant of England.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. See, because when I lived in New York, everyone there says horrible or orange, but I just stuck with my horrible and orange. That's all I ever said.

[Adam Carolla]

What's Dr. Bruce say?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, donkey. And Trump also says donkey. A lot of people tweeted me to tell me that. So we have Dr. Bruce, Trump, Bill Maher says donkey, and my dad and Rose.

[Adam Carolla]

Beer troll.

[Allison Rosen]

There's four human beings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All the greats. All right, bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenz, A bit cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, legal zoom. Forbes magazine says small businesses and startups are going to put this country back on track.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they are.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Let's do your part. Let's do it [e-mail] they've helped thousands of contractors, stores, restaurants, even doctors get their businesses started. Let them help you good guys. Save some bucks. Do it right. LegalZoom saves you time, saves you money. They got the total customer support. They even throw in free accounting software. That's LegalZoom, baby. Go to LegalZoom.com during National Start your business month to incorporate or form your llc. And save even more when you enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. LegalZoom is not a lawyer and self Help services are provided at your specific direction. For incorporations, LLCs, DBAs and more go to LegalZoom.com today I own my own McDonald's in a day. Yeah, somebody really needs to sit down with the brothers and try to figure out that Mac thing.

[Allison Rosen]

What if they claim they couldn't hear it, though? That'd just be frustrating. That's what I said. It's McDonald's. That's what I said. McDonald's. Yeah, I said McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. All right, next time, one of my black fans that comes in here or my one black fan, we'll get to the bottom of this.

[Brian Bishop]

You ask Aisha Tyler.

[Adam Carolla]

She's married to a white guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time. Yes. This is Adam Crolla for Paul Bryan and Allison Rose and saying mahalo. I own my own McDonald's in the neighborhood. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset. Free.

[Caller]

This is, this is the mantra.

[Adam Carolla]

Free. This is the mindset. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise And Gladiator and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now pay. Never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. Adam Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset free. This is the mantra. This is the. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents, and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Cole Show 784 with Q&As.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up next, we have Adam K

[Brian Bishop]

Show 785 with Kate Flannery, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

This one's also from 2012. Good day, bald Brian. Either me or fight me or both. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Always excited to see Kate Flannery. She is funny and she's just a cool chick. I don't know how well you know her, but good people. Speaking of good people, I want to thank Josh and I want to thank Eric for sending in. Well, Josh sent in this cool magnetic key thing. You could take your key ring and put it. This had to do with my complaining about Lynette and her keys. And again, my complaint in life is not you not putting your keys in the same place every time. My complaint in life is you arguing with me when I tell you, perhaps you should just pick a place and put them there every time. That's in life, Ultimately, what I end up arguing over. And I didn't know about that part of life. I had no idea what things that

[Allison Rosen]

are make your life simpler.

[Adam Carolla]

That part of life in general where you'd, like, say to somebody, hey, if you want to avoid this, you should do it that way next time. And they go, well, that's the way you do it. But that's not the way I do it. And then you go, yeah, I know, but I'm just telling you to save you time so you don't have to

[Allison Rosen]

quit condescending to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this works for me. And then you go, well, evidently doesn't, because you just went to your car two times looking for your keys, and they go, why are you being a dick? That's. I didn't know about that part. And I'm not just. I'm not talking about my wife. I'm talking about everybody. I didn't know. That's. I think. I think we've gone that direction in our society. I always thought it would be, hey, here's how you remedy that. And someone goes, hey, thanks for the tip, pops. And then like, like, like does that thing where they take a nickel and flip it to you.

[Allison Rosen]

We only like tips we read about on the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I Didn't. I didn't know.

[Brian Bishop]

I agree. I'm constantly on the lookout for tips on how to do things better or faster or easier or any of the above. Reminds me we should bring back the segment do yourself a favor.

[Adam Carolla]

We should do do yourself a favor.

[Brian Bishop]

We did say on the radio show. We just gave tips and they're always interesting. And I learned.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the whole thing. When Nate.

[Allison Rosen]

I need to learn something.

[Brian Bishop]

Collar's called in.

[Adam Carolla]

When Nate Burkus tells you to take a sock and put baking soda in it and put that in your shoe closet because it helps absorb moisture or something, then chicks watch that and they go, that's an awesome tip because the gay guy who's friends with Oprah said it. But when your husband says something, there's too much baggage attached to it.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that actually something you can do?

[Adam Carolla]

I just made that up.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, fuck that. Don't tell me what to do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I should do. You know what I should do?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. As the.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, listen, you know, I'm pretty tight with Nate Berkus. You are? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, we were talking about keys.

[Allison Rosen]

You were?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Nate Berkus. But he usually doesn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, yeah, no, Yeah. I was talking to Nate about keys and what do you have to say? I mean, Oprah too.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You were talking to them?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

About keys.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

What'd they say?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Nate.

[Allison Rosen]

Nate.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate said that you should put him in the same place every time. And then Oprah agreed emphatically. And you know, I was like, you're free spirit. But Nate said, you know, this would really save you time.

[Allison Rosen]

That's really smart. I never thought of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. I'm gonna do it from now on.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate says you should give me a blowjob.

[Allison Rosen]

Nate said that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oprah said it'd be a good idea too.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, Nate said my cock would be a good place to keep your keys.

[Allison Rosen]

Nate said that?

[Adam Carolla]

He implied it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You can read a lot. Nate's eyes. He's very expressive.

[Allison Rosen]

He has very soulful, expressive eyes. Yeah, I've noticed that about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate said you should make me lasagna.

[Allison Rosen]

Nate's her bat.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. In Oprah agreed.

[Allison Rosen]

Hmm. I'm gonna have to think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Nate said I should have sex with a 21 year old hostess from Arby's and then even have hostess. I think it was.

[Allison Rosen]

He did channel was this. You know what that you were talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Good friends don't ask Me to get him on the phone. We text.

[Allison Rosen]

I know he does. Like texting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So anyway, yeah. Oprah giving tips, good thing. Husband giving tips, bad thing, because there's too much. See what happens? I'll tell you what happens. And they're right. Like, they're both right. Like I always tell my wife, look, I know I'm a dick, and I know I tune out, and I know I'm not emotionally pressed, and I. I know I'm a fucking horrible husband, but

[Allison Rosen]

I have bad qualities as well.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I'm a piece of shit husband, but it still doesn't mean your keys shouldn't go in the same place like that. That's. There's no reason to fight me on that one. That. That's for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. When it's someone you know, then you think they have an ax to grind.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not that. It's that once there's an emotional component to it, there's an emotional component to it, and you can't remove that from the relationship.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, should chicks ever tell a guy what to do if they have tips?

[Adam Carolla]

I like you see, the whole. The whole thing about the tip is if it's a good one, everybody should treat their life. Pretend like you're playing center field and you're just kind of on the balls of your feet, and there's a stance you have to play. Because when I used to play baseball and used to play the outfield, you had to have a sort of position, which was, I could be running forward or I could be on my horse running backward with my back turned to home plate. I could be going left, and I could be going right, but I'm not going in any of those directions until I see where the ball's going. So I will be in this sort of neutral position on the balls of my feet, ready to go backwards, forwards, left, or right, or any. Any variation of the foot. So that's where you should be in your life in terms of tips, which is you throw out a good one. I'm. I'm charging you throw out a shitty one, I'll let it go, but I'm not judging it. I'll only judge it based on the merit of the tip, not who's giving it to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you do do a lot of, like, you know, you'll do it with your comedians, like, oh, that guy's not funny. And then they'll say something funny and you'll go like, I don't want to laugh because that guy announced that person wasn't fun. But they did say something that was kind of funny. So who's the joke on? You're not laughing. You know what I mean? You should be laughing. So if the tip's a good one, go ahead and take it. And I wouldn't read a whole shitload into the tip. For the most part, it's the person trying to give you a tip. It's not, oh, they think I'm stupid.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. If I ever give my boyfriend a tip, it's not. I'm going to emasculate him this way, or I think he's stupid and he needs my help. It's more just. Just here's a tip, you know, and he doesn't make me feel like it is, but I have it so ingrained in my head from reading, dating books, and all those things that, like. It's just. You're sort of. You're slowly damaging your relationship if you give a guy tips.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate said you should be quiet.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'll zip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Take a little time to be quiet. I just love being a dick.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no, if Nate said it, he

[Kate Flannery]

had

[Adam Carolla]

definitely said it. There's no talking doubt.

[Allison Rosen]

Why didn't you say it sooner? I would have shut up a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I thought it would be rude. But that's the way Nate rolls, you know? He doesn't. He doesn't miss words, and he's not swayed by your beauties.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Yeah. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So you're not gonna. No. I just want to be a douchebag. All right, so thank you to the guys who gave me the lunchbox and the magnetic key thing. I'll try to implement that into my life. Doing the Family Guy today there. As I always tell you, I love the Family Guy because they're wildly disorganized over there. Or unorganized. They give. You never get more than a day's notice. It's always like, hey, what are you doing tomorrow about noon? Like, it's four in the afternoon that day. Can you do a Family Guy? But I love the Guy. I love Seth, and I love everyone so much over there. I will be doing some Family Guy. And it's always nice because Seth always reads with you, and he always read. Mails it in because he's on the other side of the glass. And I always make him go full Peter. Full Peter and Stewie, I want a hundred percent out of your ass. So he's a running joke, but good times.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you already know your lines?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they. They give them to you when you get there and not because they care. They just. There. I really do love the fact that they do not waste your fucking time. I mean, I gotta tell you, I've done like, when I was Buzz Lightyear's Commander Nebula doing this Disney thing about 10 years ago, I was doing the Bircham voice. And I'd have that ass wipe director guy. It's really insecurity, like, where, you know, it's like the line would be, buzz, get in here pronto. You know, so it's pretty much, buzz, get in here pronto. All right, let's do three of those. Buzz, get in here pronto. Buzz, get in here pronto. Buzz, get in here pronto. All right, try one more. And it'd be like, fuck, really? How many fucking combinations or variations of Buzz, get in here do you really fucking need? And for the four year olds that are watching, where they gonna go?

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't hit the pronto hard enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I feel like Carolla just kind of mailed that in and didn't quite hit the right syllable when he was talking. Like, really? Really? No one knows. And this fucking guy. And the voice is kind of tough on me, and it would just be non stop. And Commander Nebula was always yelling at Buzz. I was like, buzz, I don't give Neptune's asteroid. And it was like, it was like, fucking voice kill me. It's like, do it again, do it again, do it again. And we unfortunately have decided that that guy's a perfectionist. When really that guy's a hack and doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and needs you to repeat it because he can't hear it when you got it right. There's no reason when you hear it and you're secure and you actually trust your instincts when you get it right. See, those guys are all about, hey, man, we have 15 takes. Hey, man, I had him do 25 takes. Half of Hollywood is, do it again, do it again, do it again, do it again. And you go, we got it. And they go, just do it again. Because everyone's scared shitless and no one trusts their ear. Seth MacFarlane completely trusts his ear. And thus you do the line two times. And he goes, yeah, moving on. Because he heard it, he hires people that he wants to work with. He knows what you do. Your instincts are good enough for him, for the most part. You'll ask him, how do you want me to read this? Because sometimes it's hard to interpret a little bit. And he'll give you a little taste of it, and then you do it and you move right on. There's no hassle to it whatsoever. And shockingly, his product comes out better than everyone else's because everyone is not burnt out and feeling fucked with and sort of frayed a little bit. And everybody else. And again, the younger the viewers and the less important it is, the more fucking takes you'll do. So got that to look forward to tomorrow. All right, I'll tell you what. Kansas City Uptown Theater coming up on Friday, next Friday, March 30th. And then Lincoln, Nebraska, Rococo Theater next Saturday. And also heading out with Dennis Prager again, San Diego. This time, Sprecho Theater in. God, what kind of name is that? In San Diego May 5th. You can get the tickets on saleable now. You can use our link on the site. How about I give one of our sponsors a little love, we get ready for Kate, and we jump into a little news here. You feeling good about that, Alison Ross? Nate says you should do news.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, if Nate says it, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Ah, bigCommerce. That's what I'm talking about. How about your online business? How about some E commerce for folks? See, you can start a business online. I don't even know. I mean, you don't need a storefront anymore. If you do have a storefront, you need to have a presence online. If you don't have a storefront, then that's the only presence you're going to have. BigCommerce.com they will help set you up. Soup to nuts, baby. Web design, accounting, social networking, marketing, and more. Two months free. That's right. And I talked to these guys. I was like, two months. What's the catch? Need the credit card? They're like, no, just two months free because they provide a service. They're confident in that service. They will build a fully functional store for you at no expense. Whatever your business is, you need to be online. Go to bigcommerce.com, click on the radio icon on the homepage, and enter my name, Adam. That's bigcommerce.com. click on the radio icon. Tell them, Adam. Adam sent you good guys, good sponsors. And if you're listening on your computer, chances are maybe got an idea about selling something on it. All right, let's do some news. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Alison.

[Allison Rosen]

So Jason Russell, the filmmaker who created the viral Kony 2012 campaign, has been in the news because early last week he was found in San Diego near SeaWorld, naked, possibly masturbating in public and just being very erratic and yelling a bunch of stuff. And people thought that he was on drugs. So he was arrested and put on a 5150 which had. Now he's past that, but he's going to remain in the hospital for several weeks. And his wife has released a statement saying that he wasn't on drugs. It was what they're calling brief reactive psychosis as a result of exhaustion and dehydration and stress and just the craziness of his overnight success.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell me you haven't had overnight success that resulted in you masturbating in public. Nurses World after Dancing with the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

EE World. Well, first off, you're gonna be naked in public. You might as well beat off. Cause you're like, you're halfway home. Like you're there. Let's just finish the job. You've done the serious heavy lifting of being naked and being in public. Let's just add beating off to it. And if you're naked in public and not beating off, I got questions. You know what I mean? That's what I think. What are we doing naked in public without beating off off, huh? You can answer for yourself, mister. So there's that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the big idea.

[Adam Carolla]

The dehydration part. You have a job where you work on a computer all day, right? Like nobody's dehydrated. We're over hydrated. Plane didn't go down in the Andes. You're not fucking dehydrated. I wish Dr. Drew were here to laugh at this dehydration thing. Like he's a, what, 37 year old guy?

[Allison Rosen]

33.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, he's not dehydrated. Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

See, when I hear exhausted and dehydrated, I always think, drugs, there's something, okay,

[Adam Carolla]

you can get rid of dehydration. We pass exhaustion and dehydration. Off. Like it's something maybe he enjoyed.

[Allison Rosen]

Salty foods.

[Adam Carolla]

You can have yourself a pint of Pedialyte and nine hours sleep and cure yourself from exhaustion and dehydration. And again, again. I don't think it's things that guys in their 30s have. I mean, when, you know, I used to laugh about with Drew. Drew would laugh his ass off at this shit. Because when rock bands would cancel tours because the lead singer was dehydrated and exhausted. No, it Is drugs. That's what happened. Now, is there psychosis going on? Yes. The dehydration. Bullshit. The exhaustion. Probably. Bullshit. And again, anyone who's done Dancing with the Stars and done a morning radio show simultaneously could say that they were exhausted. I've been exhausted half my fucking career. It doesn't stop you from doing anything. And as far as the hydration goes, hit the sink, would you?

[Brian Bishop]

Anyone? As if there's more than one person who's done those things simultaneously.

[Allison Rosen]

So this is part of her seat.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All the people, the countless. My forefathers, the radio, the broadcasting dancers, all the men who've donned the capezios and stepped before the microphone now.

[Allison Rosen]

So from the statement quite weird released about the acute reactive psychosis, though new to us, the doctors say this is a common experience given the great mental, emotional and physical shock his body has gone through in the last two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Not common even for us.

[Allison Rosen]

It's hard to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, we've never heard of it, so it can't be common.

[Brian Bishop]

Wouldn't every lottery winner go through this? Because they're like thrust into fame from total obscurity.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody who you've. Captain Sully would have gone through this, good and bad. You know what I mean? Like, everybody who.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. If. Yeah. If sudden fame caused you to have a break from reality. Yeah, we would know about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It'd be nice if Jessica Simpson had dehydration in 19. You know, 2003 or whenever she. She got famous. Yeah. All right, so BS but something. But I don't know why they work dehydration in.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't either.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the main thing. He looked pretty good nude. I gotta be honest with you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Did Nate Burkus tell you that?

[Adam Carolla]

Nate told me to say that I didn't masturbate to him. Masturbating? Walking around naked in San Diego.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a lot of self control.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Took every ounce I had, but yeah, he looked pretty good walking around naked. I guess being dehydrated, you know, when you're bloated and everything and your Zoes don't fit.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks like someone who would. Well, I'm making a gross generalization, but he looks like someone who would enjoy a lifestyle that involves drugs, don't you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. All I know is exhaustion and dehydration do not really count for 33 year olds who are living in civilization. It's not. Something went down and you had to hike it down from the high country. It is you living at home. Now, maybe the psychosis causes you not to drink like that, retain fluids. But. But when fighters cut weight, they dehydrate. I mean, guys, I feel like if

[Allison Rosen]

you're on a bender and you're up all night for five nights and then you're paranoid and you're nuts, then you might actually be dehydrated. Cuz who knows what the hell you've

[Adam Carolla]

been doing Anyway, the lesson I've learned is that Cony's not such a bad dude after all.

[Allison Rosen]

That's. That's the takeaway.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the takeaway. That's the takeaway.

[Allison Rosen]

Robert De Niro was the host of an Obama reelection fundraiser earlier this week in New York, and he made a joke that some don't think is very funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

Opened by listing the wives of Republicans running for president, said Calista Gingrich, Karen Santorum, Ann Romney. Now do we. Do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady? The crowd roared in approval. And then he said, too soon, right? He says he meant no offense. He says my remarks, although spoken with satirical jest, were not meant to offend or embarrass.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyone could possibly offend.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, just disu. Especially the first Lady. The joke drew criticism from Newt Gingrich, who said the racial reference to the Republican candidates wives was, quote, inexcusable and demanded an apology from Barack Obama.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

The White House referred questions to Obama. Yeah. The White House referred questions to Obama's re election campaign. Mrs. Obama's campaign spokeswoman Olivia Allaire, called the joke inappropriate, but declined further comment.

[Adam Carolla]

I think De Niro likes a little brown sugar, doesn't he?

[Allison Rosen]

Remember when I didn't know what that meant, like a year ago?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I remember Nate going, God, she's naive or stupid.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, okay, Oprah said that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you read right through Nate.

[Brian Bishop]

I may have mentioned once before, but he had a serious infatuation with Whitney Houston back in the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. He liked black center flowers and like.

[Allison Rosen]

And hot chocolate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Allegedly made unwanted advances.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Allegedly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know anything about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Oh, who gives a fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

It's so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a little pandering, but who gives a fuck? It's funny. I mean, who gives a shit, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

Gingrich gives a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he doesn't give a shit.

[Allison Rosen]

You think he's making up? Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the way it works. There's this sort of emotional score being kept all the time. I've said It a million times. It's between business partners. It's between husband and wife. It's between Republican and Democrat. It's between dog and owner. It's this thing all the time that everyone is constantly trying to. I was offended, but I'll forgive you this time. So now all of a sudden, dog and owner, you've got. Well, no, you've got. All right, I went a little too far.

[Allison Rosen]

I like the idea that a dog holds a groan.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. You have this currency, you know? So now if Newt Gingrich goes, well, that's funny, and moves on, then nobody owes him anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But if he goes, I demand an apology, then all of a sudden, you kind of owe him something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And so nobody on the left or on the right is gonna let anything go by without speaking up about it, because they think somehow. And all they turn into is complaining bitches, in my opinion book. But somehow. And we all know these people, they're just gonna. It's that thing where we talk about where you say to the person on the Southwest flight, hey, do you mind if we switch seats so I could sit next to my wife? And they go and they do it, and it's like, what's the big exhale? And you realize that's them going. If it ever comes down to the point where you order a light beer and they order a light beer and the stewardess says, we only have one light left, you have to give it to them because they exhaled when they got out of their seat. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, them. And people are on autopilot. Pardon the pun. They don't even know what they're doing. Everyone's demanding an apology. How many people that demand an apology? First off, what the fuck does their apology get them?

[Allison Rosen]

An insincere apology or nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Whether you're a radio show host and you make a joke about female basketball player or an Asian whoever, or whatever, if you think they really give a shit. Or they're just worried about their sponsors dropping them like they know it. It's their chance to get their name in the headlines. It's their chance to demand something. And that's all it is. He's not personally offended. He doesn't give a fuck, and neither does anybody. And nobody really gives a fuck. There's a few instances where somebody really crosses the line and really causes something and really does something. Something. But not much gets made of those. And then there's, I demand an apology. I felt attacked. I was hurt. It's Hard to even find who the fucking victims are here.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Newton, he's looking like a puss.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I'm trying to think if I've ever demanded an apology. I think there's been times in my life where I've thought an apology would be nice if the person sincerely, you know, wanted to make one. But I don't think I've ever wanted to extort one.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all the same. It's the exact same thing that happened with Dr. Drew and his two sisters many years ago when he brought them over to have their little soapbox derby or little match pine box derby, little car thing. You know, they give him a chunk of wood and a couple of wheels you nail on and a couple of weights and brought over to Uncle Adam's house because Uncle Adam has a band saw and a oscillating spindle sander and could take care of business. That's right. I'm a fucking man. And he said, and I cut out. I cut him out into little car shape and I sanded them up and I handed back to him. And I was walking out to the car, and Drew said to the boys, now thank Adam. And Jordan said, when his young son said, well, I already thanked him in the shop. And he said, well, thank him again. And he said, well, I thanked him already. And he said, thank him, thank him. And he said, thanks. I said, drew, about the fourth time you yell at the kid and then physically threaten him with a comb to thank me, he takes a little something off the sincerity of the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm telling you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you screaming at your kid to thank me doesn't make me go, oh, what can I do you for next? I heard you yell, and you yelling at people to apologize to you and then begrudgingly apologizing should feel like nothing. And yet there are people that do want that. And it's the fucking craziest thing ever. I don't understand at all. They obviously meant what they said, and they don't want to apologize. Or if they do want to apologize, they will come up to you and tell you you screaming at them to apologize means less than zero.

[Allison Rosen]

Said it before, and I'll say it again, people suck. Yes, the iPad set a record. The third iPad, which is the new iPad, set a record the first weekend it came out and sold 3 million tablets, which is the same number of iPads Apple sold in the first 80 days after the original iPad went on sale in 2000 2010. Who's the new

[Adam Carolla]

guy that's got to do the Steven Jobs speech.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that's Tim Cook, Apple CEO.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if he wanted to go out there dressed like Tommy Tune. Like, hey, man, I got something. Look. Something called pizzazz. No, no, no. Put the. Put the black turtleneck on. Put the gray shirt on. Down. Don't do the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What if that's what happened to Tommy Tune?

[Allison Rosen]

I suspect. I think maybe. Well, he's one of those people that you always put your foot in your mouth about. Where it wasn't. He was, like, 6, 8.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, no. Tommy Tune is tall, and he's a prime candidate for dying young. Like, age should have got him, but. But maybe he's on Broadway as we speak.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, wouldn't we have heard something from him, though, if he were?

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't we've heard something from him if he was dead?

[Kate Flannery]

Maybe we.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe we did, though, and we've forgotten.

[Adam Carolla]

We could have forgotten.

[Allison Rosen]

How is Tommy Toon up to? I must.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I'll get to the bottom of this.

[Allison Rosen]

He's doing syncopated Chris Boxa loxa.

[Adam Carolla]

What's Tommy Toon up to?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my gosh. When not performing, he runs an art gallery in Tribeca that features his own work.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a Tommy Toon I know. Oh, all right. So he's alive.

[Allison Rosen]

He is openly gay.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Nate said he was straight as an arrow.

[Brian Bishop]

Nate isn't always right.

[Allison Rosen]

He's six, seven inches tall.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. But, boy, can he dance. He danced like he's six, four and a half.

[Allison Rosen]

He really does.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Gotta get him back on the great White way.

[Allison Rosen]

The situation has entered rehab.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a shock. I know. For much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule. That was the first story that came out.

[Adam Carolla]

And then another one came out and

[Allison Rosen]

exhausted, saying that he was addicted to prescription pills. And he's at Cirque Lodge.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, I. The only thing I like about the situation is his throwback face.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. He has a retro face.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks like the island. Not the island. The donkey island. Lampwick. Lampwick. He looks like he's like Pleasure Island. Everything he ends, he should end with. See, listen, you. Scott, listen. I tells ya, he's playing poker, he's

[Brian Bishop]

playing pool and smoking a cigar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

Throwing dice against me.

[Adam Carolla]

22 skidoo. Hey, ladies, you're looking good today. Paper light. Like he looks like one of the Bowery Boys. Like he just has a Snooki. Snooki, get in the hot tub. I've got some hoes. I Tell ya I'm not lying to you fellas. I got nine long eyelashes, nice teas in these bitches, and they're ready to go. Now I'm gonna take the Stutz Bearcat and pick up some more babes who

[Allison Rosen]

left these grenades in this gin joint.

[Adam Carolla]

It's time to fluff, tan and fold, whatever the fuck he does.

[Allison Rosen]

Fluff, tan and fold, whatever. It's Jim Tan laundry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm retarded. Yeah, he just, he has a face like a troubled. Like Father Flanagan would have to step in and get him on the straight and narrow somewhere in the mid-30s, late 20s, early 30s.

[Allison Rosen]

What is it though? Is it the apple cheeks?

[Adam Carolla]

There's something. There's the nose, the mouth and the cheeks. I don't know why guys have changed in a relatively short period of time. It's not like the bone structure of man has changed. Although in the 30s, the average height of a man was probably five, six and a half, five, seven, and now it's, you know, five, nine and a half. I mean, they've grown two and a half, three inches.

[Allison Rosen]

It's more orthodontics now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How much that changes a face shape?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just something that. He just has that fucking throwback face.

[Brian Bishop]

You're 100% right. It's the, it's the slightly bulbous nose, it's the cheekbones, it's a little chin, it's a little bit of, you know,

[Adam Carolla]

top teeth point down. What do you say, boys? Let's get him.

[Allison Rosen]

And you can also imagine someone being like, oh, is that your grandfather? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

yeah. I'm trying to think like Justin Bieber doesn't have an old face. No, he's got a face that's like maybe 80 years in the future.

[Allison Rosen]

And same with Keanu Reeves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they have faces where they. Well, future face of.

[Allison Rosen]

Future.

[Adam Carolla]

Future face is chick face. It's sort of good looking. Guys sort of look like women. Like Leonardo DiCaprio when he was younger. Just looked like a hot ch.

[Allison Rosen]

Chick or Brad Pitt. Matt Damon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, where did Matt Damon fit in? He's plays old timey.

[Adam Carolla]

He's around. He's. He's about, he's about the time now. But yeah, he had future face. And that's a picture where his cheeks don't look puffy. If you find a puffier cheek picture there. Yeah, but. Yeah, you got it. Anyway, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

So Mad Men Season 5 premieres Sunday, and the show's creator, Matthew Weiner, changed one of the songs played in the show. Because of critics reactions to early screeners. The song is the look of Love by Burt Bacharach and Hal David, which was first released in January of 1967. But the show is set in late spring of 1966. And critics. I know that that's gonna bump me, sure. But critics. Critics. Excuse me. Notice it's anachronism. And said wiener in email. Although we take license for artistic purposes with the end title music, we never want the source music to break from the time period we are trying to.

[Adam Carolla]

To.

[Allison Rosen]

To create.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So he changed the song.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate said he was bumped. You've got the love.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, they're not making documentary, trying to evoke an era. They're trying to evoke a period of time. It seemed like that was all right.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that?

[Brian Bishop]

They're not making a documentary, trying to evoke an era. They're trying to evoke.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I know for whom. Like, who did that not bring them to the right time? Who are they? Like this. No, this. This feels very January. It does not feel like they're nine

[Adam Carolla]

months off or whatever. And Bert Backrack. More.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Underrated, I guess. I mean, that guy's done some great songs.

[Allison Rosen]

That is a Look of love.

[Adam Carolla]

There's also in modern day. Or like an 80s look of love done by. Oh, shit. I don't know if it's called the look of Love, but It's a popular 80s song. What is that fucking song? We'll find that song. Which is one of the worst songs ever. I like abc. Oh, must have been an ab. Yeah. Must have been an ABC song. You remember abc? Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Another bad creation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

They were like rivals to crisscross.

[Adam Carolla]

Were they?

[Brian Bishop]

I think they were of the same era.

[Adam Carolla]

Could not tell what decade this was done in, could you?

[Allison Rosen]

See, this feels very.

[Adam Carolla]

Mad Men. World is full of strange arrangements.

[Brian Bishop]

Different ABC.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a different ABC. Do you not know this ABC?

[Brian Bishop]

I know the Motown. Philly ABC.

[Caller]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Very British. Very 80s.

[Brian Bishop]

Different band. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, you know this song?

[Brian Bishop]

Not so far. Have to wait for.

[Adam Carolla]

It's coming.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you like to.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate knew it.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, is he playing xylophone? Like, what are.

[Adam Carolla]

What are those? Now let's hit vibes. Oh, wake up.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Probably a kettle drum. Here it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what jeans do you wear when you listen to this? Jordache.

[Adam Carolla]

I wore Zeppelin jeans, but that's me. Yeah, I was moving on to Jordan. I was just about five, six years behind Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Vaguely familiar, but I was. Would not ever request this song.

[Adam Carolla]

ABC had Not Bad. No, they had about three or four hits.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they play this on the Mighty 690?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right. Anyway. Yeah, this would bump me if I was watching Madman.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So Kris Jenner, as a birthday present to her son Rob, who turned 25, posted a photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. Kris Jenner, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Her son Rob turned 25. You know, there's a boy, Kardashian. Rob Kardashian.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

He was on Dancing with the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, it was his 25th birthday, and in honor of his birthday, she posted this photo, which is of her naked, covering up her breasts and very pregnant. And I just.

[Adam Carolla]

With him?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But I feel like, you know, really. Is that what you want for your birthday? I wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How about some placenta on the side, bitch?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you just get me. Let's just stick with, like, an Amazon gift card and call it a life.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Even a watch would be better than this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Something. Something other than this. Especially if you're high and you have to see mom pregnant with.

[Allison Rosen]

How does he gonna get.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank God my family took no pictures.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You were spared this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was spared this. Something's wrong with her, right? Like, she's just a total fucking media whore.

[Allison Rosen]

That is the rumor. Yeah. She's kind of the mastermind behind all of the Kardashians and everything they do, and she's very aware of every move.

[Adam Carolla]

And every time. Like, every time she stops talking or stops popping up in the news for 10 seconds, she must do something to pull herself into the news.

[Allison Rosen]

And I don'. Know if it's true, but what I've heard that when bad Kardashian press comes out, that even that is kind of manipulated as a way. Like, everyone was talking about Kim Kardashian's marriage to Kris Humphrey Humphreys and feeling like it was a, you know, sham. And so then all of a sudden, these stories about Chloe's. Who's Chloe's real dad come out. And that was a distract. If it's true, that was a distraction from all this.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Caller]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate them. I just. I know it's a business. I mean, they're in the business of them, and they make millions of dollars wholeheartedly. And I. Maybe that's what they're doing, and maybe they're smarter than all of us combined. But it still bothers the fuck out of me that the mom like, daughters out and stuff like that.

[Allison Rosen]

I stopped keeping up with them. I used to Watch the show, but I don't anymore, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you keep up with people that don't possess talent and have nothing to say?

[Allison Rosen]

You'd be surprised because people have followed them to. They took New York and Miami and wherever else they go. You know who else hates them, though, is Jon Hamm of Mad Men. He's been in the press talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

He's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know him?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he as handsome in real life?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what happens with these guys in real life is first off, I'm taller than all of them. So it's always.

[Allison Rosen]

So you weren't attracted?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little. I fucked him.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Caller]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Nate told me to. Yeah, he used to win beneath my balls.

[Allison Rosen]

He's the angel and the devil on your shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

All these guys are always the same, which is. You can't tell them apart from one or the other or whatever, but they have dimples. Like, they have like a nice, like you can see their face has like creases and dimples in them and they just, they just look good. But there's nothing physically that's any really different about them. As a matter of fact, it's usually the opposite. You expect Dolph Lundgren. It's not that, It's. These guys are usually sort of compact, right? And they're more in the 5 10, 5 11, 165 pound range and less the imposing, big he man strapping sort of dude. They're more, they're sort of cute and they look great on camera. But when you see them at the party, you don't. Especially if their back's turned to you or something. You don't go like, who's that guy? Like, they don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, they're right. And then you think, oh, they must be able to turn it on just for the cameras.

[Adam Carolla]

They just look good. Like you wouldn't know. I, you know, I'm doing this celebrity driving thing and you got Eddie Cibrian and Brody Jenner, speaking of, speaking of them. And they're both these really great looking guys, but when you're standing around with them and everyone's wearing the same jumpsuit and stuff, they just sort of look the same. It's just when they put their face on camera it works, you know, like Seacrest guys like that, like, there's nothing special about them when you're standing around, but they work on camera. And Ham is a great guy though. He's just a really cool dude. Watch football. He actually, they're in the. They're do a rotisserie football league.

[Brian Bishop]

Fancy football.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes, sorry, it's roto. Yeah, Fairy tale football. And they decided that whoever wins can kick out somebody the following year. Guys like to work that way. And Hammy got kicked out. That's what I love about guys. They took the one fucking celebrity in their fairytale football draft and tossed his ass.

[Brian Bishop]

That sucks for everyone except the guy who did the kicking who's just to say now for the rest of his life I got to kick Jon Hamm out of my fantasy football league.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. Anyway, real cool guy. Real, real, real nice guy.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenz, if icon.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. Love you people and all you gotta do, you gotta do me two favors. If you would tell a friend you dig the show. Tell a friend. Man, the ratings keep going up. We keep getting more and more listeners and it's because of you and only you. So you dig what you hear. I have two things that aren't going to cost you a penny. A, if you dig what you hear, turn a friend onto it. And B, if you're going to go to Amazon, click through our website, go to amcroll.com and hit the Amazon banner. Boom. Done. That's it. Beak moistened and you've done your duty. I love reading your tweets, saying some guy tweeted me today, said he bought a bunch of mountain bike parts and went to Amazon and went to our website. Thank you, mysterious stranger with the lovely quads. We appreciate it you said duty. So keep the pirate ship afloat everybody, and keep going to Amazon. And again, turn on a friend. Kate Flannery. One of my favorites. I'm gonna be doing her charity on Sunday night and of course you know her from the office. We'll take a quick break. Back with dear friend Kate Flannery next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show, Dateline, San Jose, California. A 58 year old man was arrested on charges of selling a sawed off shotgun, a machine gun and methamphetamine. Two undercover officers from his hot dog stand. Definitely not a Jew. Kate Flannery. Great to see you.

[Kate Flannery]

Nice to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Love. Definitely not a Jewish you. Kate, you've not been here.

[Kate Flannery]

Not to your new space, not to this orange couch. This is fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

It matches your hair, sweetie.

[Caller]

It does.

[Kate Flannery]

Am I, am I just a floating face?

[Adam Carolla]

Not seeing you. Yeah, I can't make you guys see. Glasses.

[Kate Flannery]

It's better this way. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

You look great.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Kate Flannery]

Well, thank you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing? Are you working out or something?

[Kate Flannery]

You know what? I stopped eating flour and sugar because we had an episode in the office where we had to be in our bathing suit suits and the vanity insanity kicked in. I was like, are you. I will. I will be the butt of a joke. I will take my top off for laughs, but I will not be in a bathing suit and be. And that be the funniest part about it.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Kate Flannery]

You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, so what, What? So what happened? Because you look. I mean, I don't. I don't think you. Oh, you weren't fat before. But I mean, you look really fit.

[Kate Flannery]

Thanks. Yeah. You know what? It like it literally is like that annoying, like, no flour, no sugar thing. Like, it's so. And I hate people that say, like, I just dressed, I stopped eating flour and sugar. But it's sort of. It's like, yeah, it's like the woman in their 40s downfall.

[Adam Carolla]

Why the fuck is flour and sugar so goddamn bad for you when it's so goddamn yummy? You know what I mean? I could eat a big bowl of pasta every single night. Like, I love the fucking pasta.

[Kate Flannery]

I've lost so many friends over this. It's just like, it's horrible. You know, because it's just hard because,

[Adam Carolla]

you know, what do you do? Like, what's breakfast?

[Kate Flannery]

Breakfast is like, like two eggs and like a bowl of fruit. You can have like something. But that's like sort of fake sugar, right? Fruit. Fruit is not Skittles.

[Adam Carolla]

And then lunch.

[Kate Flannery]

I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, lunch is.

[Kate Flannery]

It's like, like a. Lunch is a Melba toast. No, there's no flour. There's flour in Melbotose. Just like a, like a, like a piece of meat. But nothing too. Nothing too big. Like kind of half the size of what I really want.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kate Flannery]

And that's what, that's what a lot of women say.

[Adam Carolla]

It's tough on this, tough on the set, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Kate Flannery]

But. Oh my God, I feel like that's. That's a problem. I always worked in restaurants before I got the job on the office. And then suddenly I was like, actually had like at a desk.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kate Flannery]

And so you get the middle aged spread from being in. Like I had a fake office job, but it affected me like a real office job.

[Caller]

Right?

[Kate Flannery]

So, you know, and also they feed you like, like it's gonna snow outside and we're gonna be trapped for.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. Yes, I know. We were just laughing about it the Other day, where even if you've decided, like, listen, I'm staying away away from the table. Like, I'm not going over the table with the five different kinds of M M's. I'm gonna stand over here, I'm gonna drink my bottled water. All of a sudden, some little spry bitch turns the corner of the train, says, quesadilla. And you're like, smoothie.

[Kate Flannery]

Quesadilla.

[Adam Carolla]

Quesadilla, smoothie. And you're like, I guess if you brought him over to me, like, what are you gonna say? Like, fuck off. Like, what are you supposed to do? Like, I stood away. I tried to stand away, but you made up those fucking quesadillas and you brought them to me. Like you knew. Like, somebody went, hey, Adam, Carol is starting to lose an ounce. Go fucking over there with that quesadilla, that smoothie and go get him. Is that.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, it's totally like that. When actually at the office we have a thing called Hot Snack. It's not as sexy as it sounds. Literally at 10 o', clock, there's like Chinese food or Mexican. It's like. It's like the meal before the meal. It's like lunch before lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Kate Flannery]

You should get hit by a truck. You know, it's like, case there's an earthquake and knocks out. I mean, I don't even. I don't. I. I will never understand. I'll never understand. Somebody has a blood sugar issue and.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's this thing. It's always sort of for the crew, but it's. Those guys aren't rowing a Viking ship. They're just fucking sitting around getting fat like we are. Like, they're not doing anything either. Like those crew guys. Yeah. I mean, the guy's been sitting in the van that's been running in the parking lot for the last two hours listening to Rush Limbaugh. That guy's burning fucking cows.

[Allison Rosen]

So how does everyone not gain weight? Or do they all gain weight?

[Kate Flannery]

You gain a little. It's like. It's like your freshman year, you know, you put on like 15.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also this thing, too, where you end up eating more and then you work out more. But it's why the rest of the world should hate us because we're essentially some kind of car that we just dump more gas into and then we just drive around the block meaninglessly to try to burn off the gas that we dump because we. We've dumped too much. We put 20 gallons in a 16 gallon tank. So someone goes, well, just Burn it off by driving in a circle for now. And then you get on a treadmill and you just burn it off. And then you drop it in the toilet and you're like, everyone else is starving and we're overeating. And then burning it off on a stationary.

[Kate Flannery]

That is profound.

[Adam Carolla]

They should hate us.

[Kate Flannery]

They should.

[Allison Rosen]

We're.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, we're horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Us.

[Adam Carolla]

We're super.

[Kate Flannery]

Can I say that word?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you can.

[Kate Flannery]

It's podcast.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, we're not. But we're not ugly Americans. We're attractive ugly Americans. Right. Spiritually, we're Melissa, but.

[Allison Rosen]

But we look hot under our supple skin and toned muscles.

[Adam Carolla]

We're ugly, so it's weird. So you shove too much food in your face, and then you literally run on a treadmill trying to burn.

[Allison Rosen]

And you pay more for less food because diet food is expensive.

[Kate Flannery]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kate Flannery]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're not even doing the diet food. Sometimes. Sometimes you're just grazing too hard and then an extra 20 minutes on the sidewalk. That goes nowhere in front of the sports center when you're watching the television set. Like, I would really love to. To explain to old slaves. And I don't mean our slaves. I mean, like, historical guys that built pyramids. This is what we do. We don't have vomitoriums. We have Bally's gyms. And what we do is we shove food in our face. We get interns. You guys have interns?

[Kate Flannery]

Oh, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking to the old slaves. You know, the guys get you, like, buckets of mud or something. Yeah, we get those guys. They go on Chinese runs. Huh.

[Brian Bishop]

What are you guys doing for the. The 19 and a half hours? You're supposed to be building pyramids.

[Adam Carolla]

We run on a treadmill after we gorge ourselves.

[Brian Bishop]

19 and a half hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, we watch TV. Oh, it's hard to explain.

[Brian Bishop]

You got a lot of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Get back to the pyramid. Anyway, Kate, you're here for a good cause.

[Kate Flannery]

Yes, I am. You're here for a good cause, too. Aren't you gonna get the same cause?

[Adam Carolla]

I will be at the Roosevelt. Our own Larry. Our own Larry Miller is gonna be hosting it, and that's important to me. What are you gonna do? Are you doing?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm doing.

[Kate Flannery]

I have a comedy act called the Lampshade Shades or, like, a dying lounge act. So we're gonna do a little lampshades.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we're.

[Kate Flannery]

We, you know, we. We put songs together that don't normally go together, but we don't challenge anybody with any original material. No, no original music, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Like ABC's look of love and Burt Baccarat's look of Love.

[Kate Flannery]

You know what? We sort of are along a different side, guys, but we. We do sing Mandy and Brandy at the same time. Oh, but don't hold that against. But it's. It's better than it sounds. It sounds. Sounds horrifying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking forward to that.

[Kate Flannery]

But actually, yeah, it kind of works out together. And, you know, we. I sing Donna Summers last dance while my partner reads a list of the recent Hollywood dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kate Flannery]

Hollywood obituaries.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I like it.

[Kate Flannery]

It's a little bit of a novelty thing, but we don't take ourselves too seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we have a couple of tickets to give away. Is that correct?

[Kate Flannery]

You should come anyway, even though I said the lampshades were performing.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's the other lampshade?

[Kate Flannery]

His name's Scott Robinson. He has a drink and a cigarette at all times on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a pair of tickets. So two tickets to give away, right?

[Kate Flannery]

That is two. I think the show is at 5:30, which means you can actually go out afterwards. So even if you had a great. If you had a good time, you'll. You can have a better time. There I am. I'm kind of in drag. No, thanks. If you like polyester, you'll love this act.

[Adam Carolla]

So, you guys, I don't want to go after you because I don't have it. Okay, we're gonna work that out. Go out with Larry Miller and help him. All right. All right. So we decided because, of course, Kate's from the Office season finale, by the way. April 12, 9pm NBC. Do we have another season of the Office coming after this?

[Kate Flannery]

You know what? I think so. It's not official yet, though. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. They have not made the official announcement.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say yes. We're asking for bad Office stories, so let's just start at the top. We give away these tickets to Brandon. Brandon. Brandon, you're in Portland?

[Caller]

Yes, sir, I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin is from Boston. He's on line four. I'm not sure I was getting out by Sunday, but we'll talk.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes?

[Caller]

Can you hear me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I can.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Caller]

This is my dream. I can talk to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, me too, man.

[Kate Flannery]

Wake up.

[Caller]

You're here.

[Kate Flannery]

It's happening.

[Adam Carolla]

It's happening.

[Allison Rosen]

Pinch yourself.

[Caller]

I'm wasted, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Beers and rape. You're. No way. Have you been drinking tonight? Whoa. That Is.

[Kate Flannery]

That's drunk.

[Caller]

That's right.

[Kate Flannery]

That's drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no racial bigotry here.

[Kate Flannery]

He's N word drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, if I wasn't racist, I would hang up on your ass right now. Do you understand that?

[Brian Bishop]

I think it said negative, but it sounded off.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

They're both negative?

[Kate Flannery]

Isn't that funny?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so listen, Brandon. You slept with your boss's daughter?

[Caller]

Yes, sir.

[Allison Rosen]

How'd that.

[Kate Flannery]

Where'd that take you?

[Allison Rosen]

Please refrain from using ethnic slurs.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were fired shortly thereafter.

[Caller]

Yes, sir.

[Kate Flannery]

Did she take you to the moon and back? I mean, was it worth it? Was it. Was it good?

[Caller]

I have done a lot of heroin in my days, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Kate Flannery]

So you don't remember.

[Caller]

Yeah, ask me a question.

[Kate Flannery]

Well, that was a question. Did she take you to the moon? Did you have a good time with the boss's daughter? Was it worth.

[Caller]

Was. It was hella worth it.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a question. We're here at Dial Down.

[Adam Carolla]

If we. Brandon, if we give you the tickets, will you promise not to come to the event?

[Caller]

I will never see you. Because the last three times you came to Portland, I was so broke I could never come see you. And I will miss you for the fourth time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you weren't squandering all your money chasing the dragon, maybe you could enjoy some of the comedy stylings of the Ace man next time I come to Portland.

[Caller]

Well, I will always appreciate the Ace man. And I will live by the values he teaches me. Never care about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know. That's beautiful, Brandon. Are you working now? Are you doing okay?

[Caller]

I work construction for a temp agency.

[Adam Carolla]

Construction?

[Kate Flannery]

You're tempering temping for a construction agency? Doesn't that cancel each other out?

[Caller]

Where? They send me out at jobs every day and I don't know what the fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, Brandon, how about. How about a little 12 step program? Maybe you get so sober.

[Caller]

I. I would love to be sober.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's good. Let's do that. I'll meet you there and then we can save money and see me next time I'm in Portland.

[Caller]

Oh, that's my bro. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Brandon. Thanks, buddy. Appreciate it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I don't want to be pessimistic, but something tells me he might not really do that.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The sobriety part or the Kelly boy part? Where is the temp. Construction worker. Temp construction worker. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

The 12 steps part part.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that like labor? Ready?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, eventually he might.

[Kate Flannery]

He might build 12 steps, right? Only in a day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, with a Bad tread and an uneven riser. Oh yeah. Don't talk treads and risers with the ace man. Hey John.

[Caller]

Yeah. Drive you insane.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, buddy? Now you're in San Diego so you're within striking distance.

[Brian Bishop]

Got them both on the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, I my dream. Hold on a second, I'm gonna try to hang up on the fucking phone. There we go. John. Yeah. Sorry about that contact tie you got from Brandon. What's up? You're in striking distance. You're in San Diego.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely you'd come down and see this show?

[Caller]

Oh, absolutely I would.

[Adam Carolla]

It's star studded. Not only does it have me, but as Larry Miller and as Kate Flannery and a gay guy sings next to her, I'm assuming. And he's not.

[Kate Flannery]

Not gay.

[Caller]

I'm a dream there Corolla. You're all, I'm all over.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it out of it.

[Kate Flannery]

Well, I actually the lampshades, my act is playing San Diego on August 18th at the the Tiki Oasis, which is a big tiki festival.

[Adam Carolla]

Well it. John stay home then. So.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, no, no, no, but come to you.

[Caller]

I go to OCLA all the time. I'm down.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of other comedians gonna be there as well, right?

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, it's gonna be, it's gonna be good. Yeah. Worth the drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, yeah, we can also see you at the Irvine if you want to come out and see the live podcast. That'd be tonight if you're listening at the Irvine Improv.

[Caller]

Yeah, I love that place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah man. Check it [e-mail] all right. What did your boss do to you?

[Caller]

All right, so I got a premise with my boss. She's about six five, 130 pounds, has

[Adam Carolla]

like a beehive haircut and just think

[Caller]

she's a total shiz nizzle.

[Allison Rosen]

How does she maintain that physique?

[Caller]

I was about 25, 26 years old, they just moved me from Nebraska, San Diego to work with this lady and I just closed this huge deal and I was all stoked about it and all she can say to me is, you know what, you're just a spoiled little rich boy like bitch. I grew up poor as hell in a trailer. Of course I didn't say that. I put my head down of just sworn like a little pansy that I am. However, when I quit though, I called her the worst boss the entire world and I never want to see her again. She started crying so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good thing about having a female boss. I mean it Kind of sucks while you're having a female boss, but ultimately you can get them to cry.

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, that's a good thing about chicks. Sometimes you can make them cry when they think you're all high and mighty. It's kind of nice. Bring them back down.

[Kate Flannery]

On my level, I had some meaning ass unfeeling female bosses in my past. No one's crying.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you tried hard enough.

[Caller]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't tell them their pussy smelled?

[Kate Flannery]

I missed that one.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm with you. I don't think Kat from Sam Goody ever would have cried.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Well, that's true. I worked with some witches when I worked at a travel agency. I never had to work with women because I always worked either carpet cleaning or construction and there was never any chicks around. Sucked. But when I worked at Hoffman Travel Agency, I worked with like 30 women and they were horrible. And there was a variety of every kind of horrible woman. There was like young, attractive and horrible. There was older and losing her looks horrible. There was like twice divorced horrible. Like, I don't know, I'm a lesbian horrible. But they're all there. The travel agency attract that business attracts some of the the most fucking worst people on the planet.

[Kate Flannery]

Does that business even still exist because of the. I mean, the Internet sort of took it away, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but back then it was like, merv Griffin doesn't have his tickets now. Where are they? And they were just.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're a celebrity travel agency?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. Oh, no. The greatest moment of my life was just before they went out of business. I, I was, they were like the concierge type of. And I was going to New York to do Letterman or something like that. And, and I had their Hoffman travel agent representative like, meet me at the airport, like Mr. Carolla. And here's your tickets, Mr. Carolla. And I hope you have a safe flight, Mr. Corolla. And I was like, you work for Hoffman Travel? I was like, yeah. I said, please do me this favor. When you get back to the office, tell him Adam Carolla told all of them to suck his dick. Fuck right off. Have fun in your shitty, miserable desk job. I'm going to hang out with letterman. Yes. Because 15 years earlier, 13 years earlier, I'm trying to think. It's the job I got fired from when I got arrested. Ryan. It's an interesting story I told on Leno, which is literally, there's no hyperbole here. There's Ventura Boulevard and this place was in Studio City on Ventura Boulevards. Hoffman Traveler, like, off of. Off of, like, Vineland or Tuhunga, off of Tuhonga in Studio City, and that's where it was. And I lived in North Hollywood, an apartment, like, down Laurel Canyon. And I rode a motorcycle, and I had a whole bunch of warrants for parking tickets, and I had, like, 556 bucks worth of parking ticket warrants. And I was going to get arrested, and my family didn't, you know, they weren't very generous, and they didn't help me too much, and I didn't really ask them for too much. But I was at my mom's house eating dinner on a Sunday night, and I was trying to kind of get her to help out. And I went, yeah, I got these warrants, and if I get pulled over, I'm going to get arrested, and I don't have any money. And I'm always kind of scared when I'm on my motorcycle that I'm going to get pulled over, and if I get pulled over and I'm going to get arrested, but I don't have the money, I don't have the $525,000 to pay for the thing. And she went, I can help you, son. And I was like, really? And she's like, yeah. Take Valley Spring Lane. It runs parallel with Ventura, and there's no cops on Ventura. You run right along Valley Spring, it runs parallel, and there's no cops.

[Kate Flannery]

Just a mother's love.

[Adam Carolla]

That was Sunday night, Monday morning. Arrested on Valley Spring Lane.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Arrested and shit canned from home.

[Brian Bishop]

How are they getting shit canned? How did. How. Why they fire you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, A, I don't think they liked me.

[Brian Bishop]

Gentlemen.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, B, when you're calling from prison. Hey. Probably wondering why I'm late.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey.

[Brian Bishop]

Three guesses why I'm late.

[Adam Carolla]

Three guesses. Hold on. Drunk tank acting out. Keep it down. Calling work.

[Kate Flannery]

But you got the last laugh, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Look at me. I'm standing at lax. I'm gonna kiss my hairy, sweaty balls,

[Allison Rosen]

and their business is obsolete.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. All right. I don't know about John. Now, there's Kevin. Kevin. He's calling from Boston. I don't know what he's gonna do. Kevin.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam. What's happening?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? You work for the government?

[Caller]

I do. And I'm. I mean, I'm obviously in Boston, so I can't. I can't attend, but I'm just kind of calling to get you riled up about kind of government hypocrisy.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I'm easily riled Go ahead.

[Caller]

All right, well, this, you know the March madness has been going on, right? So in the. Yeah. Right before the tournament started, the kind of. The commissioner of our agency sent out an email saying not to disbar from, you know, doing brackets and associating, you know, with gambling. Everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Caller]

So one kind of ballsy co worker responded all to the email and then included Barack Obama's email address.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So it actually got to him and

[Caller]

it did not get hurt. Up for the rest of the day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Like to have that spunky little spry guy going to our benefit. You can't make it though. You're from Boston, right?

[Caller]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

That leaves John from San Diego. I wasn't impressed by John. You know what?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's just put those tickets up a lady cry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

A tall, thin skeleton woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just keep those tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

How does he know? £130.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

That's really. That's a walking.

[Adam Carolla]

She's gotta weigh more than that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

No wonder she cried. Yeah, she was malnourished.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what, Allison, why don't you let me give a little love to my good friends at GoToMeeting and you get ready with your all star news.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Your award winning news. Your soon to win one award.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I gave myself an award.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did?

[Brian Bishop]

Award eligible news.

[Adam Carolla]

I recommend GoToMeeting. You guys should use that on the office there.

[Kate Flannery]

We should.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys be much further along if you used go to meeting GoToMeeting with HD Faces. GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix. You can see your team face to face no matter where you are. Just pops up on the screen like magic. And now you use the built in camera that's in your iPad. If you're One of the 200 billion people that just bought the new iPad3 got the camera built right in there. Just download the GoToMeeting app and Kapow wherever you are. Right there in front of you. And living copy color. We use it here. I suggest you use it there. Try gotomeeting free for 30 days only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com. click on the Try it free button. Enter the promo code Adam. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm realizing that I actually have a horrible office story. When I was in New York, I took a brief break from working as a freelance writer and decided that I just. I was gonna. I started temping actually, and I only lasted like one day. And then I realized, no, I prefer my other job. Even though I have to hustle. And so, anyway, there was this woman named Nanette who put ends all over her chair in Liquid Paper because she was afraid people were gonna steal her chair.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the beginning. And then the person who trained me to do whatever, it was like, I never really understood what it was that we were doing. And I remember I started asking questions, and Nanette told me, don't ask too many questions. Yeah, it was. It's like. Imagine trying to learn how to tie a shoe, but the person is just like. You just make this loop here. Like, just want. You know, like, without. Without knowing what you're doing, it becomes very hard to do anything. And actually, I found out later what we were doing was removing people's names from spam email. When people would write back, unsubscribe, we were unsubscribing them. But anyway, the woman who trained me, all she ever talked about was. Was Starbucks and coffee. And she had a cat named Latte, and she had Polaroids of her cat on her thing on her computer. She was not. She was actually a small Asian woman, and they were all, like, in love with this guy named Blair, who was tall and skinny and had just floppy hair and apparently did tai chi in the pocket park. And he had invented this software that they all used, which was a piece of shit Blair. Where that would have been good, but no. Yeah. And then there was this other guy there.

[Adam Carolla]

Soft about Blair's wear. I'll tell you that. Right? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And when he'd walk in, they'd all be like, oh, it's Blair.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Allison, you just won yourself some tickets to come out and see us on Sunday night. Oh, yeah. You're in.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to come.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't go.

[Kate Flannery]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to celebrate?

[Allison Rosen]

I do want Sclerosis Alliance.

[Kate Flannery]

I do tumors and kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, it was awful. They were like, every bad cliche.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll keep the tickets. We'll give them away in Irvine tonight. Here we go. Here we Go with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And when it's time to wrap it

[Allison Rosen]

up, she'll sign it off with Zip It.

[Adam Carolla]

Cut. It's Allison. Allison,

[Allison Rosen]

Michael Bay is making a live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and he's changing the origin story. And I see that look on your face, Adam, as if. Who cares? You know? Who cares? Gary and Fondelier, they got riled up.

[Adam Carolla]

What did they do? Come up from air after. After a rigorous 69 session and start talking about their fucking turtles.

[Allison Rosen]

No, they said. Who can have sex at a time like this? Said BAE at the Nickelodeon upfronts. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.

[Adam Carolla]

Edgy?

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's not that. It's that he's making them aliens when everyone knows they're mutants, but of this earth. So fans are not taking kindly to his new vision. And there is an uproar. And in response to the uproar, he said fans need to take a breath and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the retards from the 80s.

[Allison Rosen]

Relax. We are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We're just building a richer world.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you what made people fans in the first place. Nothing else to watch. It's not like it's any good. There's nothing else to watch. Watch.

[Kate Flannery]

And they aimed at a low age group.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All these things. It's all in this weird vacuum of nothing else to watch. None of that shit would ever get off the launching pad now. It's not good enough.

[Kate Flannery]

Do you know one of the original voices was Robbie Wriste, Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really? With the glasses and the blonde hair.

[Allison Rosen]

And he's upset about this too. He said.

[Adam Carolla]

Cousin Oliver's upset?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, cousin Oliver is pissed. He said, you probably don't know me, but I did some voice work on the first set of movies that you are starting to talk about. Sodomizing.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that strong words from co?

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

This was in a letter to Bay that he posted on tmz. I know believing in mutated talking turtles is kind of silly to begin with, but am I supposed to be led to believe there are ninjas from another planet? The rape of our childhood memories continues.

[Adam Carolla]

This is faggotry of the highest magnitude. We're insane. I've been saying this for millions. I've been saying this for millions of years now. These ass wipe adults. There's like 42 year old adults arguing over the fucking Silver Surfer and Green Lantern as like adult dudes having serious conversations about how they've ruined the Fantastic Four and the Hulk's been squandered too. It's like you're fucking guy. You're a guy. You're supposed to be think talking about fucking and drinking scotch and cars and shit and hitting sales Bonuses. Not talking about what they fucking did to Aquaman, you fucking retards. What is it with all these fucking ass wipes and they're fucking comic books?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, according to the Guardian, making the turtles aliens would ruin everything. Their desire to be accepted, their bizarre late 1980s street labor, their fondness for pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody's gotta take Comic Con. Take Comic Con down. Just fucking. Just, Just bring us some cocktails. Just seriously, just. Let's let some anthrax virus loose in that place and start. Now.

[Kate Flannery]

I was gonna suggest sex therapy because most of them have never had sex.

[Allison Rosen]

Sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Most never had sex. Dynamite that place. And put them out of misery. Misery. I'm so tired of all these guys arguing over these stupid shows from the 70s and 80s.

[Allison Rosen]

Can we get Gary andor Fondelier on the mic for a minute?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you. I'll tell you why you can't. That's Matt in the Porcelain Punisher. I loved me some speed Speed Racer when I was growing up. That's all I watch. I. I had nothing but Speed Racer. I love, loved cars and I loved Speed Racer. And I was a Speed Racer fanatic. And I remember my mom didn't want me to watch it because it was like too violent because she was a hippie. But she wasn't going to leave a room and raise me, so fuck it. I was raised by Speed Racer, Pops, Trixie, Chim Chim and the rest of the gang. Sple sp. Well, that's what's right. That's what Spidal sounded like. That.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Kate Flannery]

I used to imitate Spidal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Speed, look out. Sounds like Bill Simmons too, actually.

[Kate Flannery]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Dear Chim Chim, Chip Chim Racer X and car acrobatic team. If Tom Brady were to join the cast, I think. Okay, so it's a long story. The point is this. I loved me Speed Racer growing up. And I watched it and it raised me. And I was that. And then, you know, Kimba the White lion would come on afterward and I'd be like, all right, catchy enough theme song. But not, not nearly as good as Speed racer. And then 10 years ago or eight years ago, they made Speed Racer the movie because, you know, it's super timely like, hey, got strike weather, Iron's hot. Speed Racer 1967. Come on, people, it's 2003. We gotta go.

[Allison Rosen]

So I've been waiting for it since longer than I've been alive.

[Adam Carolla]

They made this piece of shit version of Speed Racer. But I didn't run out to, to the Theaters to see it because in protest, because I was 41. 41. And I like watching the UFC and 60 Minutes and other things that are slightly more adult. Orient pornography, Scotch. Things that are slightly more of adult nature to them. Now, you see, because that is what you do when you're a kid, but then when you're an adult, you don't go out and watch Speed Racer, the movie. So even though I liked Speed Racer When I was 7, 8, 9, when I was 39, 40, and 41, I did not run out and see the piece of shit movie. And I was not offended that they fucked it up or didn't fucked it up, because I don't give a shit. Because I'm a straight adult who watches real TV and real movies and documentaries and doesn't give a fuck about these horrible cartoons that they do. So who gives a shit? Oh, God.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the bald nerd has something to say.

[Brian Bishop]

Question, though. Are you. Is there. Are you missing the part of your. Your genetic structure where, like, you are excited to, like, see things as an adult that you thought were cool as a kid? Like, no, but, like the Evil Knievel thing, you have the big poster Evil Knievel in the back. That was cool as a kid. And now you're an adult, you can have a big poster.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. He's an alcoholic douchebag. That. That. That is from. That's from the man show.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, regard.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. And it's still funny. Yeah, no, it's campy. It's campy to watch these old Evel Knievel movies, but if you live there, right, that's the thing I would rather. I'd rather watch. I'd rather just get high and watch an episode of Land of the Lost and laugh at about how bad it was than watch an actual attempt at a new version of Land of Lost starring Will Ferrell.

[Brian Bishop]

You love Johnny Quest, though, for example. I think you did. Would you like to see, like a live action version of that now? Or cgi?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. Because I want filmmakers to make. Make movies about things I haven't seen previously. That's what I like about art. I don't want people sampling Led Zeppelin. Are you listening, P. Diddy? I don't want them sampling cashmere. I don't want you making movies about things that already existed. If you want to do the life story of some interesting guy, Optimus prime, then. Optimus Prime, Donatello, then. I'm all ears and all eyes, but stop rehashing everything. That's all we're doing. It's the opposite of art. Art is coming up with new stories and telling them in a new and interesting way. All right.

[Kate Flannery]

Amen.

[Adam Carolla]

Amen. Anyway, Mr. Burcham, hopefully coming to Fox this fall. All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

See, what if they redid Bertram as a live action movie in many years and made him an aerobics teacher?

[Adam Carolla]

As long as I was cut in on it. But see, Bertram never saw the light at day. It was just done for free, basically on kroc. I never had my birch of Payday.

[Brian Bishop]

Crank Yankers.

[Adam Carolla]

Crank yankers.

[Allison Rosen]

Crank anchors.

[Brian Bishop]

And there was a bircham character on Crank anchors.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. I did probably get.

[Kate Flannery]

My sister wanted me to mention she loved. She loved Drawn Together and she. She loved you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Loved Filthy. Filthy cartoon.

[Kate Flannery]

She's. She's a social worker.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Wow. Something's wrong with her.

[Kate Flannery]

There is. She's got a great sense of humor. She can put up with of a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

The crazy filthy cartoon.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm the.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah. I'm the evil twin. She's. She's doing good in the world. And I'm taking off my top on the office bet.

[Adam Carolla]

She's eating flour right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you actually twins?

[Kate Flannery]

We are, but we don't look alike. We just sound alike.

[Adam Carolla]

Fraternal deep throat and a churro as we speak.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I need sugar and flour.

[Allison Rosen]

Making it rain with sugar.

[Kate Flannery]

She's waiting till after Easter because Lent, she's like, she gave up. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

She gave up chocolate for.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, I don't know about flour, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Keep going.

[Kate Flannery]

But she does love you as a pig.

[Allison Rosen]

She's just a little square after dinner. Right? It's Twitter's sixth birthday. Happy sixth birthday, Twitter.

[Kate Flannery]

I'm actually on Twitter. I'm a Flannery. I've only been on like since September and I. Boy, it's like a love hate relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, there's people talking shit.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

But I just sort of get bored. Like, you know what? I'm too self examining. I'm like, oh, I don't know. I just. I've judged myself too hard. That's why I don't smoke pot anymore. Because I get to judge mental.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, why would I smoke something that

[Kate Flannery]

makes me feel worse?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we drink.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Amen to forget.

[Allison Rosen]

So what, like you. You debate whether to put. To tweet something? Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Or like, I'll like take it off like really fast and then put it back. Like, I'll reword it.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, you know, how do you take it off?

[Kate Flannery]

You can you can. You can delete.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kate Flannery]

You can delete pretty fast.

[Adam Carolla]

I just retweet stuff people send me that.

[Kate Flannery]

I said, see, You're a genius. I don't do it enough.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't spell, so I'm always nervous I'm going to misspell something. You know what I mean? They should have spell check.

[Kate Flannery]

They should.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing where it's like it doesn't recognize things, but the spell check thing gets everyone into trouble because half the devices have some form of spell check and the other half doesn't have a form of spell check or they autocorrect, which

[Kate Flannery]

gets you in big trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Once you get used to. To something, then you kind of assume everything has it. And I don't like it. It's like my feeling is with the bathrooms, they either all need the magic eye where you just wave your hand under and it dispenses, or none of them can't be half and half because once you get used to that eye, you need it. Right.

[Kate Flannery]

I think if you're over 60, you should have the same car all the time. Like two, because you're like, where's the. Where's the windshield wiper? Like every. You know, that kind of. You know, if you're renting a car, there should be like one car. Car that you rent if you're over 60.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And if they're gonna have the hand dryers. No paper, just the thing that blows air at you, they should only have the kind that blows your hand so much that it's like someone going into space. Like where your face gets all melty and weird, you know? Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Kate Flannery]

Someone. The double hand thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I actually like that. Even though I had to get over my fear that it would somehow cut my hands off the very first time. Yeah, it good for you.

[Kate Flannery]

You did it.

[Allison Rosen]

Good for you. You should see me get on an escalator later.

[Adam Carolla]

It takes your prints and you go

[Allison Rosen]

into a database and then they know.

[Adam Carolla]

They scan you.

[Kate Flannery]

But the other one, the ones that

[Allison Rosen]

just kind of like go like. Yeah, those. Well, you're always wet after.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the paper towel because I do the thing sometimes where I do the sink and I'll splash water on my face sometimes. And then you get the blower thing going and now your face shooting heroin in the bathroom because, like, you. And you have to like, try to get your face in there. Right.

[Kate Flannery]

Do you remember the old actual cloth towel?

[Adam Carolla]

What? I never could figure that thing out. It was always at the gas station. Like, you'd pull it down and make that very satisfying noise. Like. And then it was like, how. Yeah, when is this clean and does it ever get clean? And what part am I using? And.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

My dad had a bar behind.

[Caller]

Not good.

[Kate Flannery]

Not pretty. You know what it was? It was recycling at its earliest stage.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Kate Flannery]

There was, you know, it's. It was like, less is more, you

[Allison Rosen]

know, but was it supposed to somehow clean it when it goes back up into the machine? No, I think it has like three apples.

[Kate Flannery]

Like, dry it. Yeah, I don't know.

[Caller]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

That worked. I missed that little crank thing. I missed the ones that had the little crank. Like, you're the world's worst organ grinder.

[Allison Rosen]

You're a tiny monkey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a weird. Yeah, like you're jacking off of Reese's Chimp. You know, it's like weird little.

[Kate Flannery]

The little Model T. Model T version of the.

[Allison Rosen]

That is how I would do it.

[Adam Carolla]

The Cranky Knocker.

[Allison Rosen]

Reese's Monkey. Article here about all the testosterone shows on TV that, you know, we've been talking about this. Like, Spike just picked up Hazmat Men, which showcases a group of expertly trained guys who work to keep the public safe from catastrophe. And newly announced shows include Full Bounty, which is Bounty Hunters, Tattoo Nightmares, Nightmares, which is Tattoo Cover Up Artists, Rat Bastards, which is Spike's version of Swamp People. And that they'll join a lineup that also includes American Digger, Diamond Divers, and Big Easy Justice.

[Adam Carolla]

When we were doing the man show, when we were like pitching the man show, the network was like, where's the female voice? And we're like, that's the whole point. It's the man show. It's just two dudes talking. We need a female up there. And this was not, you know, 1957. This was 1998, you know, and they're like, where's the female voice? And we're like, it's no female voice. It's just dudes talking to dudes. And they're like, we should have a female voice. The producers were horrible and they're idiots and they always try to fuck everything up. And eventually the Juggie Dance Squad was born. Because we went, all right, we'll put females in it and they'll put them in bikinis on trampolines. So there you go. So that's what. That's. That's our. But we used to sit around, I mean, and argue with people like, no, we're not gonna have a woman's point of view in between. And Jimmy used to say, somebody's just gotta start a dude channel. Like somebody's gonna start a dude channel. And he was pitching it, you know, 88, sorry, 98, 99, you know, and now there's 10 dude channels out there and God bless him. But it's insane how far we've come on or, I don't know if it's a, for a. If it's moving forward or where it's a step backwards, but either way, just, you know, a little over 10 years ago, everyone was like saying, us, you can't do a show as two dudes. You need to put a chick between you. Otherwise, like, it's some kind of weird OSHA rule or something, like you need it. And we're like, it's called the man show. And like, everyone's like, I don't know about that. That's never gonna work. And it's like, yep, well, here you go.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they ever suggest a particular chick that they thought you should do the show with?

[Adam Carolla]

Every single producer in Hollywood that we have I've ever worked with has been pretty much an imbecile. And their whole thing is whatever pure idea you have, they attempt to water it down by saying, where's this other voice?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So they'd go like, if they had Archie Bunker doing his thing, they'd have to have a really smart black guy sitting next to him that was arguing with him almost every point. Like, it's like. And then a good looking woman who was highly educated standing next to. On every point. Yeah, right, that's right. Because they go, it would never, you'd never be able to do that because it was all about, well, you can't talk about this. Where's the counterpoint to that? And it's like, that's the point. There is no counterpoint. It's for people. Well, how are you going to get the females to watch? Like, they're maybe they're not going to watch.

[Kate Flannery]

These men probably get more letters from desperate single women.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

You better.

[Kate Flannery]

They probably get marriage proposals.

[Adam Carolla]

We had. 40% of the audience was female when we did the.

[Kate Flannery]

Did you get, did you get letters like, from, from desperate women?

[Adam Carolla]

I never, I don't read. I never read. I never read.

[Kate Flannery]

Is your wife listening right now? Is that what you want to say?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I never, I never read. I, I don't think I ever read one fan letter or, or ever sent to email. No, I didn't send any. I didn't know how to Email and I didn't really know how to read. I didn't. I didn't exist. You've come so far. I know. I wasn't on the computer the whole time I was on tv.

[Brian Bishop]

You're a pioneer, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

I was never on the computer. The funniest thing in the world. Sorry I've told before, but it's funny. We tried to sell our show to, let's see, we're on Comedy Central and there was FX or something like that. I don't remember exactly what it was, but they wanted to buy the man show and we said, nah, we're gonna go do it on Comedy Central. And they went, oh, all right. And then a year later, before we debuted, they came out with the X show, like two weeks before we came out with the man show. And then they were like, hey, look at them ripping us off over there on Comedy Central. Like, hey, dicks. You tried to buy our show, but we didn't sell it to you, so you created your own shitty show with Mark decarlon low. And then you debuted it two weeks before our show debuted. And then you're doing the. You're ripping off their idea bullshit. When we did our show was a pilot for ABC a year earlier that they fucking bought or tried to buy from us. So I hate our business.

[Kate Flannery]

It is the lowest of a low, this business.

[Adam Carolla]

We're on the same lot with them. And at some point their guys came over pissed off because Adam Carolla had sent a sharply worded, long winded email to them. And everyone just started laughing like, Adam doesn't know what. He bangs his forehead on a keyboard. I can barely tweet something now. Back then I couldn't even write my name. I didn't know what email was. I would never. I had no email, no Internet, no looking up of anything, nothing. I had to have a writer's assistant. I just go sit in his cubicle and dictate. That's all. That's all I did.

[Kate Flannery]

That's, that's, that's a, that's a great position to be in, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. I just wrote a book that way. I just yelled it at Mike lynch and he just wrote it. He's on the COVID this time, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

I heard. And what's it gonna say as.

[Adam Carolla]

As shouted at Mike Lynch. I think that's what it's gonna say.

[Kate Flannery]

That's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. And I realize that.

[Allison Rosen]

And so you get by on the. You get. Oh, never mind. It was a joke. That's not gonna work anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Allison Rosen]

You buy on the kindness of nerds is what I was trying to say.

[Adam Carolla]

It was really nice, you know, it was nice. I'm so. You know, I complain about Lynette and our key placement, all that kind of stuff. I gotta tell you, my wife Lynette is the nicest person in the world. Because I said to her last night, I said, you know, honestly, like, when I was talking about, you know, I want to take Mike Lynch. He's doing a lot of work on this next book, and I want to put his name somewhere where it's, like, visible. You know, it's so admirable. And my.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Kate Flannery]

Most people want to pretend that they wrote it themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a decent thing to do, right? And it's the right thing to do. And so my agent was like, baby, not on the COVID You know, you do something where you put it on the jacket, you put it on the thing.

[Kate Flannery]

She refers to him.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a he. But yes. And he's like, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

He refers to himself as baby.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't put. You don't put someone else's name on the COVID of your book. You put your name on the COVID of your book, and then if you open the flap, you see his name, blah, blah, blah, or the first page, we'll work something out, but not on the COVID And I was like, he's doing a lot of work on this fucking book. And so his name got on the COVID of the book. And then last night, I said to my wife, Lynette, I said, you know, I feel really good. We just finished this book, and I'm glad Mike's name is on the front cover of this book because, you know, he deserves it. And she went, oh, good. And I just thought, you know, a lot of wives would have been like, well, wait a minute. Why is his name on the COVID She was like, he should be there. Good. I'm happy. And I thought, that's good. That's a good quality. Wasn't a second of, well, couldn't they have put it on? Or aren't people gonna think that he's just a ghostwriter? And then you didn't actually. Whatever. She was like, good. He deserves it. And I think she knew it would mean a lot to his family, whereas, you know. Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so here, just to drive this point home, here are a few of the other shows that your executives would have thought need. Well, Women, Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Axemen, Dirty Jobs, Black Gold, Storage Wars, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Deadliest Catch.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Well, Dog the Bunny Bounty Hunter. The Bunny hunter. Dog the Bounty Hunter sort of looks like a woman. Like a horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

From behind. Excuse me, Ms. Horrifying.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, do you guys watch any of these shows? I don't actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get the. I like Deadliest Catch. I'll see that. I like the. Those kinds of shows. I don't. They're starting to play it up. Like they're where the cameras there. Now they're going a little over the top. And I'm all for just like reality stuff, but it gets a little. It's a little too simplistic just to have. Hey, we're two guys. We get in a van and we drive to barns and we argue with guys over piggy banks from the turn of the century. Like, okay, you gotta give me a little more than that. Come on now.

[Kate Flannery]

I just watch my. Myself. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I watched Pawn Stars almost every episode for like a year and a half or two years. But it's the same problem with, like you said, a lot of these shows is it's just too repetitive. You can only see the same types of people as. Granted, it's a different item to bring into the pawn shop, but it's the same types of people bringing the same types of items. Negotiations, you know where it's gonna go.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're not. They're not. The. The rally is. Is those guys. While their characters are not really comedians or interesting or entertaining, they're not entertainers. They're just characters.

[Brian Bishop]

And what you said, they're starting to add, like, some comedy. Like there's like a little sketch at the end. It's like the old man sleeping again.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kate Flannery]

I do get obsessed with hoarders from time to time. It makes me feel superior. Makes me feel like I have my shit together.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too.

[Kate Flannery]

My pizza boxes, empty jug.

[Allison Rosen]

What we had Matt Paxton.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that his name from Hoarders?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

He's one of the hoarders.

[Kate Flannery]

What about Hollywood hoarders? Do you think people could come clean about their shit?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kate Flannery]

That'd be a great. Yeah, that'd be a great show, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

You want to pitch it?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let's do it.

[Kate Flannery]

Let's do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Would it be all, like, Norma Desmond types, comedy and tragedy masks?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe.

[Kate Flannery]

But, you know, I wouldn't mind seeing like, you know, Matt Damon's closet.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I see.

[Kate Flannery]

You know, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably wouldn't get a lot of A listers.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, probably not. Although, you know, that swag really builds up, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You remember Cousin Oliver as a voice. Voice of Porthos.

[Kate Flannery]

The one who's protesting the new Turtles movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there was a. There was a. There was also. But that. That was a jumping the shark moment. When they get the cute kid who never formally mentioned, like 121 episodes, nary a mention of this family member, and then all of a sudden, he pops up. Cousin Oliver. Wait a minute. Bitch. He had a family reunion show two episodes ago. His fucking name never came up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So number one. Number two, they did this in the Partridge Family. I don't want to see Axeman or any of this shit anymore. But I want to find Ricky. Because in the Partridge Family, they also had the little kid Ricky who, like, came over and played the guitar next door neighbor, who.

[Kate Flannery]

He's super precocious, long hair. He looked like a girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was a cute little kid. Yeah, they had. Little Ricky would come over and sing and I don't know where he came. I think he was just a neighbor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he.

[Kate Flannery]

Neighbor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Just an incredibly hip neighbor.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, he's so cute.

[Kate Flannery]

He's like little David Cassidy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a little page boy.

[Kate Flannery]

That's page boy.

[Allison Rosen]

So cute. That would have worked. I mean, you know who. What other show did that? Different Strokes. Bringing in Sam.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Different Strokes. Brought in. Yeah, they brought in Sam. That's right. Yeah, they brought in Sam. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What's her name?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I love about all those kids now? Male pattern baldness tattoo that says Fuck the lapd.

[Allison Rosen]

Occasionally ending up on Surreal.

[Adam Carolla]

In and out of rehab. Yeah, it's gonna be great. I want to know what happened to this kid. I hope he's fat and strong.

[Allison Rosen]

Facts of Life.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I'm getting a note here. August booked him next week. I'll be so comfortable. I'm trying to figure out the moment that Little Ricky. That's right. Yeah, they had. They had the silver spoons one. I mean, they had the. Sorry. They had their different strokes there.

[Kate Flannery]

Well, facts of Life, they brought in Clifford, so they went the other way. They brought in somebody older.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Ricky, though. I thought Ricky was.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, he was. He was. He was gorgeous.

[Allison Rosen]

They also brought in Pippa and Andy.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that might have been.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at him.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, look at that. His color coordinated granimal outfit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Look at Shirley. Shirley Jones is mesmerized.

[Adam Carolla]

My Yorkie.

[Allison Rosen]

Yorkie really is, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Where the hell.

[Allison Rosen]

So, in other television news, TBS has ordered their first unscripted reality show in Seven years. And it's gonna be called King of the Nerds. And it'll be hosted by two of the stars from 1984's Revenge of the Nerds, Robert Carradine and Curtis Armstrong. And it'll be the ultimate nerd. The show invites competitors, all varieties of nerds to face challenges that will test their intellect, ingenuity skills, and pop culture prowess. They'll begin as teams before breaking into a competition of individuals.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know how to immediately eliminate all contestants. You guys need to get laid somewhere in the next five to nine years. Pack it up. Let's get out of here. Oh, boy. When a nerd. You know why I hate nerds now? I've realized I didn't know how angry they were. Yeah, they're now adults. They were cute when they were kids, and now they're adults and they're running Hollywood and they're fucking dicks.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, I liked them better in the closet. I mean, or just like under. Under wraps.

[Allison Rosen]

Undercover nerds.

[Adam Carolla]

And they paint all these fucking tales of woe from high school. Like when I was in high school, all the jocks picked on me all the time, and now it's my turn. And they didn't pick on you. They didn't know who you were.

[Kate Flannery]

They kn. That was their pick.

[Adam Carolla]

And it felt like being picked on. But you would have preferred to be picked on because at least that would have meant they would have realized you

[Kate Flannery]

existed and you would have learned some social interaction, for Christ's sake.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right. After a handful of television guest appearances as an actor and musician. Siegel.

[Kate Flannery]

Ricky Siegel.

[Adam Carolla]

Ricky Siegel left this. Left show business to become an assistant pastor in Texas. I like where this is heading.

[Allison Rosen]

Former child star move number one, Kurt Cameron.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, you don't leave show business. Show business moves on, and you stay where you are.

[Allison Rosen]

It was the rehearsal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. However, he recently ended his self imposed hiatus from performing and recently played Sir. Huh? Dennadine denadine in the Pasadena Playhouse production of Camelot. I knew it. I felt that kid was poised for. I said to Lynette, like six months ago, I said that fucking Ricky Seagull's poised, and I would not be surprised if he was Sir Dinadine in the Pasadena Playhouse production of Camelot. And she was like, you're insane. Well, yeah. Now who's insane, sweetie?

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now who's insane? Well, I guess the audience. They've been clamoring.

[Kate Flannery]

Those tickets were on sale for like, five seconds when they found out that he Was. Oh, my God. All those.

[Allison Rosen]

Got to know someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got mine off StubHub. I mean, could not buy them. You couldn't go to.

[Allison Rosen]

I said I would never do that, but I did.

[Adam Carolla]

You couldn't go to the site and buy him. You had to buy them, right? You have to. You had to buy them somewhere else. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a fat wad of cash in my pocket. I was ready to pay top dollar.

[Kate Flannery]

There's no picture. There's no picture of him. I. We really have to get an after picture, right? There's nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm sure we. If he got a brochure from Pasadena

[Kate Flannery]

Playhouse, I bet his picture in the. In the playbill was of him from

[Adam Carolla]

6 years old reliquist dummy boy. All right.

[Kate Flannery]

This is a tough business.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Tipit C. Oh, there he is. Oh, my God. He's un or Mando Bloom.

[Adam Carolla]

How much of his preaching went with. Believe me, I know the trappings of Hollywood. I was a star. I had every. Everything laid down at my front. Every temptation known to me. I was on. Oh, what show was I on? That's funny. That's funny. I was a big A list celebrity living right in the devil's playground known as Hollywood. You serious? You know what show I was on? Partridge Family. Now that's. Now you think of the Brady Bunch. I had women. I had cocaine. Seriously, I was. No, but I was. No. Okay, but you're thinking of season one through three. No, I'm not one of the Partridge. I wasn't one of the family members. I showed up. Listen, I don't have to explain myself. I was an A list celebrity living in the den of temptation known as Hollywood. When I turned my back on it.

[Brian Bishop]

Self imposed hiatus is a very nice way to say it.

[Kate Flannery]

Self imposed hiatus. That's hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Kate Flannery]

A lot of people in this town have a self imposed hiatus.

[Adam Carolla]

He's back. I love the fact that this show had in season one a drummer who looked like a rabbi. I mean, he was the Julius looking seven year old you've ever seen in your fucking life.

[Kate Flannery]

Jeremy something.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeremy Gold or something. The next year he was replaced by a Hitler Youth counselor. Like he was replaced by a guy who basically looked like a nine year old Glen Campbell. They got rid of the Jewish kid on the planet and replaced it with an Aryan kid. And nobody said a word like no one has said. Like, you know, after the accident, I didn't think we'd make it back together as A band. But, you know, ever since we got cousin Oliver playing the skins, like, nope, get rid of the super Jewy kid. Put the super blonde kid in place. And never, never address it.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a casting hate crime.

[Adam Carolla]

Desecrated. The drum kit was desecrated.

[Kate Flannery]

The Jewish kid is on the lunchbox, though. I still have my Partridge Family lunchbox. He's on the lunchbox. This kid. Grand.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't make it. You can't remove the Jew from the lunchbox. You can take the lunchbox out of the Jew, but you can't take the Jew off the lunch. Lunchbox. It's like Grandpa used to say. I'm just saying, like, when they were looking for kids, and evidently he had a semi sane mom or dad, he was probably a normal Jew who went like, you know what? Fat. This is too much. Our kid's gonna get educated. He's. This sucks. Like, we. We're not gonna put our kid through this. And they got rid of him, but they just replaced him with the blondest fucking kid ever. And no one said a word.

[Kate Flannery]

I think it's because Tracy really couldn't act. So they tried to get somebody to act for both of them.

[Caller]

Like, they.

[Kate Flannery]

They were both. He was going to act for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Her acting was so bad. It was like, I don't believe she's playing the tambourine or the triangle. She is. She's hitting it. I know, but I'm not buying it. But what do you mean? She's whacking against her thigh, you know, I'm sorry. I'm not in.

[Kate Flannery]

She's no Davy Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

She. No. That guy could. I like the guy. You know, the guy. My whole tambourine thing would be like, I don't want the one that's like the full moon. I want the crescent moon because that says I play the tambourine. The round one is like, he can't play the guitar, so he plays the round hat. But the crescent one is like, oh, no, this is an instrument now. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

It's true. It's definitely. It's definitely the cooler of the tambourine.

[Kate Flannery]

You could not get a crescent at, like, a Toy Story or at the.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Kate Flannery]

You get a shitty version.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a serious tambourine. I need to see your. Your Music Musician's Union card before I sell you this crescent chain. Tambourine.

[Kate Flannery]

Maybe percussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's a serious. That's an instrument. You'd hurt yourself. That's a man's tambourine. That's a man bourine.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think there's any man spoons? Like when people play spoons?

[Adam Carolla]

I just got a head rush.

[Kate Flannery]

Hey, Mr. Manberine, man, play a song for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not as good when you pass it around to try to get money because you only get half the hall. Lets people know you're serious.

[Brian Bishop]

Shows you're humble.

[Adam Carolla]

It shows you're humble. That's right.

[Kate Flannery]

You don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a pro. Mm. I want to see a picture of that kid. Where's that fucking kid?

[Kate Flannery]

I should have brought my lunchbox.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bring your lunchbox.

[Kate Flannery]

It's just an artist rendering.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking about Legal Zoom. While we find that picture. Legal Zoom, Forbes magazine tells you. Small business startup. Oh, yeah, I gotta keep going. Small business startups are gonna get this economy back on track. You wanna do your part, you go to legalzoom.com they can help you out. They've helped out thousands of contractors, stores, restaurants, doctors, drummers. I just added that last one, but it seemed to be on topic.

[Brian Bishop]

File a lawsuit against the casting director.

[Adam Carolla]

Get your business started with Legal Zoom. Legal Zoom saves you time. Saves you money.

[Caller]

Money.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the total customer support. They'll also throw in free accounting software. That is legalzoom.com go to legalzoom.com during National Start your business month to incorporate or form your llc and save even more when you enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Legal Zoom is not a lawyer and self help services are provided at your specific direction. For incorporations, LLCs, DBAs and more, go to LegalZoom.com today. All right, that is the Jewish.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it's like a five year old with a cleft chin.

[Brian Bishop]

Jeremy G. Wax.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but the point is that you. You didn't even try when you replaced him. And then. Okay, so like, like with the two Darrens. Yeah, these are the two Chris's, right? Or right.

[Kate Flannery]

Yeah, they're two Chris's.

[Adam Carolla]

They made all fur. Did they name him Chris?

[Kate Flannery]

I think his real name is Brian. He looks like my friend in sixth grade. He looks like my friend Colleen Chancellor, who's a girl when she was in sixth grade.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I got to find huskies. But doesn't somebody in the beginning of season two have to dedicate, like, hey, who's haunts? I feel the same way. Like, I feel it. You know, all those like 80s, early 90s Schwarzenegger movies where it's like he plays Russ Johnson, a hardscrabble Chicago D.A. and it's like, what is your. And it's like, huh? At some point, it's in the film. Doesn't someone need to go, hey, Russ, this isn't Bavaria anymore. We do things a little differently over here just to fucking address it. Or we're gonna have the guy with the crazy German accent just talking through the whole thing. Whose name is Gus McPhee, who's a. Who's a PI and plays by his own rules. Like, what? No, someone's gotta say something, right?

[Kate Flannery]

They were acting their ass off. They were acting like he was American.

[Allison Rosen]

They were acting like he wasn't there.

[Adam Carolla]

But just take one line of dialogue and go. You know, when your dad died and you came over here after college? Dad died, I'd say something. And then we'll get on with the film. But don't pretend like it doesn't exist. It has a thick accent. He's supposed to be one of Chicago's finest. And he's explained about how his dad was a cop and his dad was a Chicago cop before him. It's in my blood. And it's like, why say something? All right. Anyway, I like the Cubs. I'm pissed. But by the way, if Michael Bay wants to redo the departure tram,

[Kate Flannery]

have something to say about that, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Kate Flannery, everybody. The comedy for a cure. You can see me at the Roosevelt Hotel and I'm gonna be crashing Kate's set, by the way.

[Kate Flannery]

Please do. You can go to the Lampshades.com to see more Lampshades gigs if you. If you feel so inclined.

[Adam Carolla]

March 25, but it helps. Comedyforacure.org Larry Miller is going to be host and I'm going to be there. Kate. It's going to be a star studded affair and it is.

[Kate Flannery]

But keep your expectations in check.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kate Flannery]

Have a drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a cocktail. April 2, 9pm NBC. By the way, season finale the Office and website thelampshades.com Kate Flannery is where you Twitter her. So until next time, samcroll Ball. Brian, Kate Flannery and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. Nate said your my cock would be a good place to keep your keys.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, those Adam Cole show 785

[Adam Carolla]

with Kate Flanders in the Office from 2012. That does it for this weekend's Coral Classics.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure to tune next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo.

[Adam Carolla]

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