Kathleen Madigan + Larry Miller (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show – Kathleen Madigan + Larry Miller (Carolla Classics) Release Date: December 1, 2024

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1. Introduction to "Corolla Classics"

• Host: Giovanni introduces "Corolla Classics," a companion podcast featuring highlights from 15 years of the Adam Carolla Show.
• Announcement: Giovanni mentions the availability of archived episodes exclusively on Adam Carolla's Substack and encourages listeners to request clips via email.

2. Launching the New Podcast "For Crying Out Loud"

• Adam Carolla: Announces the launch of his new podcast, "For Crying Out Loud," premiering on October 17th.
  • Quote: “[00:59] Adam Carolla: This is exciting. We're launching the new incarnation of the parent experiment, which is now called For Crying Out Loud...”

3. Personal Anecdotes and Humor

• Facial Experience:
  • Adam Carolla: Shares a humorous story about getting a facial, highlighting discomfort and exaggerated reactions.
    • Quote: “[01:24] Adam Carolla: Can you tell your pores? … she stomped on my nose like Lucy was making wine. Yeah, she was pushing and grabbing. Yeah, it was horrible.”

4. Discussion with Allison and Lynette Carolla on Parenting and the New Show

• Allison and Lynette Carolla: Discuss their roles as hostesses and the new show's focus.
  • Allison Rosen: Expresses excitement and appreciation for being part of the show.
    • Quote: “[05:19] Allison Rosen: Yeah. I have to say, though, I'm very honored to be here because I'm a big fan of the show. I listen every day, and it's fun to watch.”
  • Lynette Carolla: Emphasizes a lighter approach compared to their previous parenting advice format.
    • Quote: “[07:00] Lynette Carolla: We're trying to do something that's a little less parenting advice... like some toddler diet tips, how to thin out your kid.”

5. Critique of the Justice System and Amanda Knox Case

• Brian Bishop: Provides a detailed recap of Amanda Knox's acquittal and critiques the justice system's handling of the case.
  • Quote: “[54:45] Brian Bishop: Amanda Knox, who was convicted by an Italian court... was acquitted Monday by an appeals court.”
• Adam Carolla: Suggests the implementation of a universal lie detector to improve judicial outcomes.
  • Quote: “[57:45] Adam Carolla: I've been saying for 10 years, let's work on a universal lie detector. Let's work on something... that is administered by multiple experts and is redundant.”

6. Criticism of Oprah Winfrey

• Adam Carolla: Expresses strong negative opinions about Oprah, questioning her humor and authenticity.
  • Quote: “[38:09] Adam Carolla: I have said a million times about Oprah. It's insane. She's not funny at all.”

7. Mock Trial Segment: Dr. Conrad Murray

• Brian Bishop: Recaps Dr. Conrad Murray's guilty verdict for involuntary manslaughter in the Michael Jackson case.
  • Quote: “[118:53] Brian Bishop: Judge found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter today...”
• Adam Carolla and Co-hosts: Provide satirical commentary on the trial proceedings and Murray's demeanor.
  • Quote: “[123:56] Adam Carolla: So the judge is getting ready to poll the jurors, but there we have heard it. Polling jurors definitely sounds voluntary.”

8. Hypothetical Road Trip Game

• Segment Participants: Adam Carolla, Larry Miller, Steve Little, and Brian Bishop engage in a humorous "Hypothetical Road Trip" game.
  • Questions and Responses: The hosts pose absurd scenarios and respond with comedic insights.
    • Example: Larry chooses "Pawn shop owner or patron," leading to jokes about the nature of pawnbrokers.
      • Quote: “[176:43] Adam Carolla: How about back Sack? ... Larry: No, no, no, no. Larry Miller: A new. The new series M. I didn't care.”

9. Advertising Segments

• Sponsored Messages: Interspersed throughout the episode, featuring promotions for services like GoToMeeting, Stamps.com, Discount Tire, and Encore Insurance.
  • Example: “[91:05] Adam Carolla: And by the way, I'm coming to Philly, Detroit, Chicago and Denver. ... All right. And now here's...”

10. Closing Remarks

• Final Thoughts: Adam Carolla wraps up the episode with humorous remarks and reminders about supporting the show and upcoming events.
  • Quote: “[99:18] Adam Carolla: Good day, Bald Brian. ... Thanks, Paul. Appreciate it, buddy. And mazel tov with the pregnant wife, first child, by the way.”

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Adam Carolla on Universal Lie Detector:
  • “[57:45] Adam Carolla: I've been saying for 10 years, let's work on a universal lie detector..."
• Adam Carolla Critiquing Oprah:
  • “[38:09] Adam Carolla: ...she thinks she's funny and she ain't. She thinks the things she says are clever and have a lot of gravitas and she's not bad."
• Brian Bishop on Amanda Knox:
  • “[54:45] Brian Bishop: Amanda Knox... was acquitted Monday by an appeals court..."

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Conclusion

This episode of "Corolla Classics" showcases Adam Carolla's trademark blend of humor, candid opinions, and sharp critiques on various topics ranging from the justice system to media personalities. Alongside guests Allison and Lynette Carolla, Larry Miller, and Steve Little, the show navigates through personal anecdotes, mock segments, and interactive games, all while promoting the launch of Adam's new podcast, "For Crying Out Loud."

Listeners can expect a mix of laughter, outspokenness, and thought-provoking discussions, making it both entertaining and engaging for those who enjoy Adam Carolla's unfiltered style.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the user's instructions.

Transcript

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is a podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have an ad free companion podcast titled Corolla Classics with the archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack. And if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcourlo.com all right, let's get to the clips. Come up first day we have Adam Carlo Show671. This one's featuring Kathleen Madigan, Stephanie Wilder Taylor, Lynette Carolla, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop till 2011. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God, it's exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. Stephanie Wilder, Taylor. Hello. And of course, my beautiful wife. Hi, pumpkin. Good to see you, sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

This is exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

This is exciting. We're launching the new incarnation of the parent experiment, which is now called for crying out loud, which is a name I like quite a bit. It's going to premiere on this network Monday, October 17th. We have our two hostesses with us now. Let's talk about me. Got a facial today, ladies?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you tell your pores?

[Allison Rosen]

Your eyebrows look good.

[Adam Carolla]

She did a good job. I think we have to establish something.

[Brian Bishop]

They're so red, though.

[Adam Carolla]

My eyes, my face on the brow. Yeah, I got. Yeah, but that'll go away.

[Allison Rosen]

Did she do the extractions?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she went to town. She stomped on my nose like Lucy was making wine. Yeah, she was pushing and grabbing. Yeah, it was horrible. Dawson, we mixed okay. I feel like I sound a little bit good, by the way. You want to know, in my radio career, the 250 times I've said, are we mixed okay? And everyone went good. At some point within the next 10 to 12 minutes, somebody came by and pushes a button and it sounds twice as good. So I'm prepared. Anderson. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's just the way the sound waves are just floating off of your face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my newly buffed face. The woman did the thing where she said, take everything off and get under this blanket. And I was thinking, everything for a facial. And I went through this with my knee surgery where I could have kept my underpants, but I didn't keep my underpants. We have to work this out, this everything stuff out. If you want me to take my shirt off, take the shirt off. You want me to get my underpants, say, get in your underpants, but don't do the take everything off and then walk Away.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what to do.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like, shirt, shoes, no service.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry, Lynette.

[Lynette Carolla]

That makes me very uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Everything off. Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

I don't like massages in general.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you're really.

[Lynette Carolla]

That's why I will only get a facial. And then there's no reason. Why would. Why would you need your underwear off?

[Adam Carolla]

You're getting your.

[Allison Rosen]

I leave my underpants.

[Adam Carolla]

You're getting a brows. But the last thing you want. You don't want to be called up tight. So you're getting your brows done and your nose pushed and you have someone say, take, and I quote, take everything off and get under the blanket.

[Lynette Carolla]

Were you getting manscaped?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my deal. Yeah. No, I wasn't. I was getting a facial, for all I knew. So I just. I said a. I'm keeping my socks on because I'm lazy. Like, once I put on a pair of socks, I don't want to. I don't feel like twice a day.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's back breaking.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't need to bend down.

[Adam Carolla]

And I didn't want to. My socks. And I left my underpants on because I'm like, what the fuck? And then she did my face. And then a certain point, she went down to do my feet, which I didn't know about.

[Lynette Carolla]

Were you in Koreatown?

[Adam Carolla]

I. The woman was a woman who. Why do I sound like crap? Why is this thing sound like crap? There's a lot of microphones open in.

[Steve Little]

That room, and so it's a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Bit boomier than usual still. There's gonna be a button that gets pushed at some point. Well, anyway, then I was shamed when she had to take my socks off. She had to remove my. But how the was I gonna know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

At least you don't stink.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam doesn't stink.

[Adam Carolla]

I will get a little stinky feet.

[Brian Bishop]

But what kind of shaming was she like?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. The kind of shame. The ultimate shame. The one you produce within your own pores, Right? No, she told me take everything off, and then 20 minutes later, she was peeling my socks off.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

She gave you a foot massage?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I should have told you. I didn't know that they were going to do that. I didn't know they were going to take your feet and give you a foot massage.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not blaming you. I did. I think that you need to be on your mic. I think the problem is we have to turn your mic up too loud because you're way off it. Is that what. Is that what's going on? It's also the boomingness of Mic 4. We usually don't have four mics in this room. Sorry. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I had no idea that you possess this talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I heard that from across the crowded Columbia. I want to marry that heavy set woman of color. Then I was devastated when I found out it was a thin white woman.

[Brian Bishop]

But is that what the new podcast is going?

[Allison Rosen]

It is, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Stephanie talking about rearing kids and Lynette doing the beatbox the entire time.

[Lynette Carolla]

Is that different?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I have to say, though, I'm very honored to be here because I'm a big fan of the show. I listen every day, and it's fun to watch. Everybody's buzzing around. Everybody over there with Dawson and Paul, Brian with the drops and Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Daddy, stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

What was that?

[Lynette Carolla]

I would tell you that.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Gary]

Stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Sonny thinks he's gonna take my place one day.

[Gary]

Puppy, puppy, puppy.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette loves the drops, but not. Not the. No, not just the kitty drops. What are your favorite top five?

[Giovanni]

She brought those in especially for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't be a one upper. Like I said before.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a classic.

[Allison Rosen]

I sound dislike her.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't be a one upper, like I said before.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't be a one upper.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't be a one upper.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so glad these people, first off, get old and no one wants to fuck them anymore. Secondly, turn into nothing. They just go away. Possibly my mom.

[Giovanni]

They're immortalized to the power of drops.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

How should I know? How would I know that?

[Allison Rosen]

How could I possibly.

[Adam Carolla]

How can you possibly expect me to answer that? So uncomfortable. Oh, my God. This is fun. Can you imagine growing up with that tone?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you left your socks on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Everyone thinks he's saying, hell yeah. My dad has never uttered the phrase hell yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. In his life. All right, so the new show, what can we expect, ladies?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, a lot of this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

We are expanding.

[Lynette Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, we're trying to do something that's a little less parenting advice. I mean, you know, there's still gonna be advice, like, you know, maybe like some toddler diet tips, how to thin out your kid. You know, Atkins versus South Beach Organics.

[Steve Little]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think we're all going a little nutty. And I think all the moms are.

[Allison Rosen]

Going nutty, and now the dads are going nutty.

[Adam Carolla]

Not this one. I think the or no, nutty. I think the moms are going nutty because we've created this society where we've raised the bar so high that, you know, just last night, Lynette was chewing me out about you haven't gone and picked up those kids once from school, and you haven't dropped them off. And I said, it's been three fucking weeks. And she's like, are all the other dads? And I'm like, I work for a living. Could you imagine this conversation taking place 25 years ago where Daddy was getting.

[Brian Bishop]

I was just gonna say that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right.

[Lynette Carolla]

But things have changed. I'm talking about helping out.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I wouldn't use the hand with the brandy snifter in it, so I didn't want to catch up. You know what I mean? But seriously, like, I'm getting beat up because I haven't taken my kids to school in three weeks. The three weeks total they've been at school. You're beating yourself up because they took a sip of tap water. We're going insane over here. Everyone needs to just back off and just let them grow up a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

Stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

And they'll be what they're gonna be. This notion. It's a narcissistic notion. You are going to completely shape your child, and you're going to be responsible for every good thing and every bad thing that happens to this child from this day forth. That is incredibly narcissistic thing to think. You don't control them. You can help them. You can nurture them. You have to put a roof over them. You have to make sure they're not eaten by hyenas, and you have to nourish them. Other than that, they're going to be who they're going to be. You teach them to read and write, and you back off a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

And the more you try to control every aspect of their environment, the more they're going to resent it at a certain point.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Eating disorder.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's what our show is.

[Lynette Carolla]

You know, I have to tell you that the last time I was on your show talking about having a parenting show, I got such a great comment on the message board.

[Allison Rosen]

My flatulator on the Madame Carolla board.

[Adam Carolla]

You brought it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Read it, Stephanie.

[Adam Carolla]

What does it say?

[Brian Bishop]

Hmm.

[Lynette Carolla]

I always thought I would rather go down on my mom than listen to the parent experiment, but this woman is a good guest. I got the warmest feeling because I felt like I was communicating with our target audience, and that made me Feel just proud of the work I'm doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Glacialator is the Oscar Wilde of the message board. I know it's been said many times, but I'm just going to say it again.

[Lynette Carolla]

What we're trying to do is just something a little different. I think we're trying to put forth the notion, you know, that moms can work hard, raise good kids, and still be hauntingly beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

But we're going to talk about marriage and pop culture, and it was just. The other format was a little too tight, and we couldn't breathe. Now we're going to breathe a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

It is so cool.

[Lynette Carolla]

And we're making fun of ourselves a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm gonna have a rebuttal against some comments made on the Anne Carolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

I get to have it?

[Lynette Carolla]

That coffee cup argument is not going away. Not going away.

[Adam Carolla]

Setting it in the sink under the spigot without running the water in it.

[Allison Rosen]

Nelly, by the way, who you always call. You never can get her name right. That was the cleaning lady that day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. These. These are transitory people in my life. I will not commit. I have a large brain that needs plenty of access and space for important things. So I don't put the little people in there, number one. And number two. No, you've done it 250 times. Not. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

But I don't do it anymore, though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

You leave your wine glass sitting out every single night. And the room that you leave your wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, number one. Every damn night. Number two, I don't walk it over to the. And then set it down in the bottom of the sink with just a little spittle of coffee in it and not give it a rinse.

[Brian Bishop]

You wouldn't do that to a wine glass.

[Allison Rosen]

You walk it halfway to the kitchen and leave it in the entryway and then go upstairs and go to bed.

[Lynette Carolla]

Don't you guys have a coffee dishwasher? What is the problem at your house?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Her name's Nellie.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. There's two ways you can go through life, and this is what Lynette and I argue about. You can put your keys in the same place when you come in every day next to your sunglasses. Or you can have a life that has 1800 episodes of we're Leaving, we're late, Wear my sunglasses. Maybe they're upstairs. I can't find my keys. Or you can just give yourself over. Like, it's almost like it's like a 12 step program. Just go. I have no power. I will put my keys and my sunglasses in the same place every single day. And thus I'll never.

[Lynette Carolla]

This is genetics.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it is not.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yes. People cannot be trained to change their ways. I know so many people like this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they can.

[Brian Bishop]

Dr. Drew would not agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Easily, easily. Listen, here's all you do. Hey, you want a couple of tickets to Bruce Springsteen? He's going to be playing Staples Center. Put keys, sunglasses, and empty your glass. And I'll give you these things at the end of the week. Do you think she'd do it a.

[Allison Rosen]

Week by the end of the year?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, Stephanie. You think she'd do it or not?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't.

[Lynette Carolla]

I don't think. I think she would try. I think it would last for a little while and people would.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it would last until she got the tickets. Right.

[Lynette Carolla]

And then it would go back.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But she can be trained. You can be trained if you have incentive.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't.

[Lynette Carolla]

I don't think that people change. And I think the other 12 step thing here, of course they change. You have to accept people for how they are. You know what? Get some more copies of the keys. Yeah, Hide little keys all around the house.

[Adam Carolla]

You're just retarded.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait a second, though. I have to say something funny, though. The other day when Adam got his Lasik surgery, because here, you listen. It's not very. It's not easy living with Adam. I'll just be honest with everybody. But at the same time, LASIK surgery. Right. At the same time, though, now I lost my journey.

[Adam Carolla]

Not easy.

[Allison Rosen]

Lasik the other day. You're hypervigilant. That's what I was going to talk about when you came out of the car and I was helping you up the front of the stairs. I mean, our house has, like six stairs.

[Gary]

Boom, boom, boom.

[Allison Rosen]

Then like four steps, then one step, then like three steps and then two steps. And then now people are going to.

[Brian Bishop]

Know how to break in.

[Allison Rosen]

But Adam, like, was blind, had his eyes closed, and I was leading him and I was like, all right, step. I stopped talking. He knew. He could say he remembered all the steps, all the way into the house.

[Adam Carolla]

See, you can train people. That's called ocd, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe it's a little bit of that.

[Gary]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's a weird. I'll tell you what I can't figure out about life. Here's what I can't figure out about life. I've Been on both ends of life. I've been the poor, completely unorganized. Getting parking tickets, having them go to warrant getting arrested, not having insurance, not having medical or dental. Like just completely chaotic mess of a life. Chaos, mess. And I've led a life where I make a lot of money, I live in a nice house and I understand how things go. I did learn along the way a few things, a couple valuable lessons about little tricks to sort of remember things and little stupid things. Like if you're going to a party and it's a barbecue and it starts at 6:00, take your sunglasses off and.

[Allison Rosen]

Put them in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave them in the car because you'll be walking around the party and it'll get dark and at some point you'll set them down and you'll drink too much sangria and then you'll leave and you won't know it because it's at night and blah, blah, blah, little, little tips and little tricks. I had no idea everyone would be arguing with me the entire time. That's the thing that is mind numbing to me. I thought people would go, oh, that's a good idea. I think I'll do that. I didn't know I'd get a life of this is the way I do it. Shut up. Why don't you take your asshole pills? I did not know that. I thought they'd go, hey, that's why they call you Ace. I thought there'd be an element of that that does not exist, evidently.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I took. And I mentioned this to you before in your book when you talk about making the decision to just take your coffee cup out of your truck, not let it roll around. Yes, that actually was an epiphany for me. And now I do take things out of my car instead of, instead of sitting there and thinking about should I? You know, like, it doesn't have to be a thing to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

See, Stephanie? Trainable.

[Lynette Carolla]

But sometimes there's sort of a bottomless pit of things like that, like taking the coffee cup out and you can only do so many of them. There's always going to be more nice stupid argument.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll tell you what, have you.

[Lynette Carolla]

Ever gotten a boot on your car? I want to ask because I've had.

[Adam Carolla]

A few of them. No, I've had three motorcycles towed, two of them while I was riding. I'm told that. No, actually only one wife get off and walk home while the guy towed it. Yes, there is the argument of going, look, it's always going to Be something. If it's always going to be something, you should kill yourself now or never get out of bed.

[Lynette Carolla]

Because that's really good advice.

[Adam Carolla]

You're basically saying, why exercise? You're only going to have to exercise tomorrow. Or, why brush your teeth? You're only going to have to brush your teeth tomorrow. It's. Yes, why put the coffee mug. No, you should be doing as many of those things as you possibly can.

[Brian Bishop]

You can reduce chaos. Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, why not? That's not.

[Lynette Carolla]

That's not exactly the point I was making. I was just saying that, yes, you can take the coffee cup out, but. But then, like, you know, then every night I go, it's too late. I have to make the lunch for the kids. Because in the morning, then I'm running around and I'm going like, oh, fuck, I should have made the lunch the night before so that I could. Because now I've slept in 15 minutes, and then I'm always going to be beating myself about. Up about something I prepare for, and.

[Adam Carolla]

Life is too short to. No, no, here's. It's. It's plenty long. It'll seem longer when the coffee mug's all fucked up. Here's the thing. If you approach this from the posture of why are you picking on me? Instead of what the truth is, is, why. Why isn't the coffee mug rinsed out? See, if you take it as why are you picking on me? Then, yes, there will always be something. You say. You'll go, okay, well, so I'll start doing the coffee mug. And then once I do the coffee mug, it will be something else. And then once I do that, it's going to be something else. So if you take it as why are you picking on me? Then you should never do it, because then the person is just picking on you. And it's always going to be something.

[Lynette Carolla]

But let me turn this around for a second, because if Lynette was like this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying Lynette, I mean Lynette. But what I'm saying is, no, I'm saying for everybody, if every piece. If every piece of criticism that's not even criticism was taken as criticism, and why are you picking on me then? That is endless. I agree. If that's the way you approach it.

[Lynette Carolla]

Well, I don't think that anyone's picking on me. I'm picking on myself. When I'm like, oh, my God, there's always something. There's always more chaos because there's a lot to do. That's all I'm saying, but my husband does a lot of things wrong, in my opinion. My husband also loses his keys constantly. Can't find his wallet, all those things we talked about. But if I was constantly going, john, seriously, I'm not going to look for your keys again. Keep your keys in the console drawer, and then you'll never lose them. If I was constantly doing that, it would suck for him.

[Adam Carolla]

But you wouldn't have to constantly do it if he just did it the first time you told him to do it.

[Lynette Carolla]

Right. Except that I tried it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lynette Carolla]

And it just.

[Adam Carolla]

Why wouldn't it work that way?

[Lynette Carolla]

Because it would. He would be irritated.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would he be irritated? You're trying to streamline his life.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this a gender thing? Like, can women hear the tips from men more than men could hear from women?

[Lynette Carolla]

That would drive me crazy if somebody was constantly correcting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a societal thing. It's a. It's. It's your posture. You're either open to it or you're not.

[Giovanni]

Where can I hear more of this hot talk?

[Adam Carolla]

You either take. You either to the podcast. Is that's a good idea? Or you take it as, why are you trying to be the boss of me?

[Brian Bishop]

Is there anything that you were doing that Lynette asked you to change?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, everything. And did you? Yes. No. My things are deep seated, emotional things. They're nothing mechanical.

[Lynette Carolla]

So those. Those can't be changed.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they can be. They just need to be worked on.

[Lynette Carolla]

Where's the, like, incentive for you? Like, if she was to offer you some tickets to change your ways, would that maybe help you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. My incentive is just not to be a horrible husband. Really? Honestly.

[Allison Rosen]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So then you have to work on it.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to work on it.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like, I work on my stuff. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I work on rinsing out the coffee cup. Right. I got better, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, and it took four years, but yeah, you did.

[Allison Rosen]

I say I work on my stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I work on my stuff, too.

[Gary]

Emotionally.

[Adam Carolla]

It could be worse. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You're backhanding me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. With this brandy sniff there. And your husband could go, you know what? That's a good idea. I'll put my wallet and keys on the entry hall. I'll put them on the bookshelf in the entry hall in the same place every day. And you know what? He'd be happier, you'd be happier, and you'd move on.

[Lynette Carolla]

It's all sort of different levels.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Lynette Carolla]

Because, like, when my husband and I get into a fight. And, you know, I always pat myself on the back for, like, hey, at least I'm not a cunt. Like his friend's wife, you know, who's constantly on him about stuff. And then so when he gets mad at me, I'm like, hey, I'm not her. You know what I mean? So it's always like, you know, I expect that he should be really happy that he's not married. Could be a lot worse. So he should let most things go. Because I'm not crazy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, Lynette's not crazy, even though I think kids will help drive everyone crazy.

[Lynette Carolla]

And if you see the coffee cup, you could be like, you know what? I could do a lot worse than somebody that leaves their coffee cup. She could be, like, sleeping with other guys. Or she could be, you know, constantly screaming at me, let's keep this going.

[Brian Bishop]

I could have been born.

[Adam Carolla]

I could have been stillborn. I mean, let's keep extrapolating this back to a meteor could have hit the planet long before my family was ever here.

[Allison Rosen]

Eyebrows look really impossible.

[Lynette Carolla]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Dreading or waxing or plucking?

[Adam Carolla]

Just a little each. I just want to say. I just want to say this. I want to know. I am a good carpenter. And the reason I'm a good carpenter is because other guys told me what to do the entire fucking time. And I went, you're right. I'll do it that way.

[Lynette Carolla]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know more than I do. And I will learn how to do that, and then I will be a better carpenter.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a life tip question.

[Lynette Carolla]

To me, I was just thinking we need some life tips.

[Brian Bishop]

Somewhat mundane, but I'm trying to figure out how to arrange the furniture in my living room. Are there any tips or tricks or rules of thumb that I should know, or is it really just wherever you think it should be?

[Allison Rosen]

Adam's really into that now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm really getting into.

[Brian Bishop]

This is about to get really interesting. So shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in the flow. This is an interesting flow.

[Brian Bishop]

Air current flow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about the waitress.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my goodness.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about. Lynette knows I designed our house with no sharp corners on it. You walk. You walk through it. If you take a look at this little stand that's sort of at our knees, it doesn't have sharp edges on it.

[Brian Bishop]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

This end here in the corner is dog eared. The sofa does not come to a point. It is dog eared. It's going to be interesting. Yes, Flo. So I would say arrange your house the way you think you can do it and then see if you can run through it with your eyes closed without hitting anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

I have that.

[Adam Carolla]

Every other podcast, for crying out loud, is the name of the new podcast. Posted by Course.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Follow us on Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm giving you guys. I got the plugs here. I'm giving it to you.

[Lynette Carolla]

We're just trying to help you be better.

[Adam Carolla]

Premier. I have it in front of me. Premieres Monday, October 17th. And you can Twitter them at acemoms and facebook.com. all right, anything else I'm missing, ladies?

[Lynette Carolla]

It's gonna be fucking hilarious.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary's our producer. Producer Gary. He's all about up on parenting. He's only 26 year old male with.

[Brian Bishop]

No kids that he knows of.

[Allison Rosen]

It's gonna be more of the friends of the show stuff like we got T. Theresa coming up.

[Lynette Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Dr. Bruce. Hopefully Dr. Drew and Susan Pinsky.

[Lynette Carolla]

Marilyn Manson.

[Adam Carolla]

Good luck to you. All right, you guys want to spin? What should we do? What should we do? Why don't you guys clear out? We'll start the. Start the home bus. That coffee mug. Stephanie, stop telling people they can't change a horrible message. Send to them. You become an enabler. Do not be an enabler.

[Brian Bishop]

Bye.

[Giovanni]

It's a real downer.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. See you.

[Lynette Carolla]

Thanks for doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Our pleasure. All right, let's get that story out that I told you to get out.

[Brian Bishop]

Leaf flowers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that one.

[Brian Bishop]

News time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just want to talk about this one thing that's been driving me now.

[Brian Bishop]

It was like foreplay to the news.

[Giovanni]

I hear pre news has the most amount of news.

[Brian Bishop]

We're fondling the news right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I got your semen, Chuck. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

So I didn't. But I'm going to get it later.

[Giovanni]

Learned that from you and Drew, Buddy.

[Brian Bishop]

A bunch of students in South Florida are protesting leaf blowers.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Brian Bishop]

And now the county is debating them. And the students are seeking a total ban on leaf blowers. But we'll be happy if the commission simply agreed to study the issue. Here are some stats. A leaf blower causes as much smog as 17 cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a lot of smog. One of them can disperse approximately five pounds of dust, pollen, spores and other particulate matter into the air per hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Say that again.

[Brian Bishop]

One leaf blower can disperse approximately five pounds of dust pollen spores.

[Adam Carolla]

Five pounds?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I've been saying this for years. Why are we so fucking obsessed with secondhand smoke when these guys are all over the neighborhood.

[Giovanni]

I'm 99% sure these are illegal within a certain amount like a distance of a residential home like can be businesses that can be used now. Well, in California we should look it up, but I'm pretty sure what the distance.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead and look it up. Well, if it's illegal, it is not enforced widely broken, right? Well, no, it's not because somebody tried to do this and they had the, you know, million leaf blower march or whatever on the city council here.

[Brian Bishop]

It was deafening.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, City hall in la. And led of course by Mayor Villa Ricardo because he has a kinship with these guys with the leaf blowers here. Now here's what I don't understand. All we do is have rules. We have safety oriented rules. Nothing but safety rules. Every single door in every single hotel has a big pneumatic closer on it that clunks the door shut. Kukunk. Every time. Why? There's a fire rule. And you know, people talk about expense like that. The first thing that happens is someone says, look, if you got rid of leaf blowers, it would take these guys an extra half hour to rake the yard or 45 minutes or hour, I guess, depending on what size the yard was. And then they would have to charge the owners more. Well, what about every car having five airbags? That's a law.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You think that makes the car cheaper? No, it's added on to the sticker price of the car and it's passed along. If you don't want a new car and don't want to pay for an airbag, then you don't have to purchase one. If you do not want a gardener, you don't have to have one.

[Brian Bishop]

Plus I feel like most people would rather not have leaf blowers around. It's the leaf blowers who want the leaf blowers.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't understand. Especially when you're talking about a medium sized home. The raking of the leaves, the sweeping of the driveway, whatever it is. Are we talking about 20 minutes? Are we talking about 30 minutes? I mean, yeah, you're not picking them.

[Brian Bishop]

Up individually by hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. These guys are getting paid, let's just say on average $20 an hour. $25 an hour. Let's make it $30 an hour. So if they're getting 25 bucks an hour and they're spending an extra 20 minutes or half hour, they're making good money raking. Well, they come out to the house, let's put it this way, they come out to the house, they spend 90 minutes and they make I don't know, 60 bucks or 75 bucks or whatever it is. It averages out to 30 bucks an hour, 40 bucks an hour or something like that. But let's just say they stay an extra 20 minutes. Well, then you have to pay them an extra $15 each time they come out to the house.

[Giovanni]

Sorry to crap on your point, but that's not the way it works. I know, because we just hired a gardener. And the way it works is you negotiate your fee and then they're trying to pack as many lawns into that day as they can. So it behooves them, they get down as quick as possible because they're making $25 for every lawn, regardless of how long it takes them. They got to mow your lawn, blow the leaves and go to the next house. They make $25 a house, so if it takes them longer, they lose money.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, so they're not paid by time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

That's the way it works.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so your logic is we're paying this. It's not logic.

[Giovanni]

It's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, crap, pointer, point, crapper. Obviously it would get negotiated. Obviously it would be brought up. It's the same thing as saying, hey, price of a car is already priced for a car. You can't add on the price of the airbag. Yes, you can. It's added on. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. If they would have to then raise their rates to make up the fact that they're doing fewer lawns.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't.

[Giovanni]

I know what you're saying, but I would say they can't, because in la.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you fucking hot? But did you know. Shut up, Brian. You know what the fuck you're talking about?

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

The second they said leaf blowers are illegal, they would come to you and they. They would go, hey, man, leaf blowers are illegal. And we'd have to pay and we're going to have to charge you an extra $20. They wouldn't do that.

[Giovanni]

The city is lousy with potential lawnmowers. So I say that it's a buyer's market and you can name your price.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. First off, every single one that came after the leaf blower was banned would be worked into the price. The ones after when the leaf blowers were banned would be negotiated, would be renegotiated. You could tell the guy to go packing. Is that what happened? So the guy would come up to you and he'd go, hey, I know we said 30 bucks. But they got rid of the leaf blower. I'm gonna be here next half hour. It's gonna be 45. You would say, hit the bricks, Pancho. And he would hit the bricks. And then the next guy would show up. The next guy would show up and he would have that price worked into his thing.

[Giovanni]

Let's hope we have the opportunity to find out. You know what I'm saying? This is all. I see what you're saying. That's price, the.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how do you think everything works?

[Giovanni]

It makes sense. I just say it's a buyer's market. There's way too many people undercut.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't matter if it's a buyer's market, as long as none of them can use leaf blowers, then that's what it is. It's like this.

[Brian Bishop]

He's talking about. He's talking about banning them.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't, you can't. If you can't use a leaf blower. Yes. If you said some guys can use them and some guys can't use them, well, now you have a situation. But if nobody can use leaf blowers, it's like this paint. Paint shop. Paint shops used to use paint that had a bunch of shit in it. Then the EPA got hold of it and said, no, you can't have all that lead or whatever is in that paint. You all have to use this new water based shit. And everyone said, well, that's more expensive now and it's not as durable and it's harder for us to whatever. But they all worked it into the new price. So you could go down to one day paint and body. And you could go, I want a paint job. And you go, oh, that's too much. And you could go down to Earl Shib. Either way, it would be worked into the price of every auto body shop.

[Giovanni]

I know exactly what you're saying. All I'm saying is it's a different industry. Lawnmowing versus car painting or whatever. Those are regulated. There's only so many of them. It's a brick and mortar thing. I just think that it would. They.

[Brian Bishop]

But Adam's talking about regulating the lawnmower.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't use the. You cannot use it. No, but listen, if you can't use a leaf blower, then you can't use a leaf blower. Then that evens the playing field for whoever you're talking about using.

[Giovanni]

I just don't think it'll jack up the prices of lawn mowing.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. But anyway, leaf blowers produce.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, you're fucking right. If you believe what? If you believe this, I hope you're just disagreeing with me for the sake of disagreeing with me. Them staying an extra hour. Why do you think they're protesting against it? Them staying an extra hour is going to jack up the price of.

[Giovanni]

It'll jack up their costs for sure. Or their profits. But I.

[Adam Carolla]

But they won't pass that along.

[Giovanni]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Brian, that makes perfect sense. Continue.

[Giovanni]

Well, they're not unionized.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you even talking about, Brian? Of course they'll pass it along. They have to pass it along. They're there for an extra hour.

[Giovanni]

Hopefully we'll all get to see.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Beef blowers produce 70 to 75 decibels of sound at 50ft and much higher levels at close range. The EPA has said that noise levels over 75 decibels can damage hearing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So why is this safer than secondhand smoke? Why are we insane with secondhand smoke? And what would your. What would you want your kid exposed to? And these guys are crawling all over the fucking neighborhoods. I mean, there's three of these guys going at once. They're out in the street. There's people, like, walking their dogs or riding their bikes. In terms of your lungs, again, standing. You know, a guy who's smoking a cigarette outside of a club or on the balcony of a hotel, and you're in the room next to his and you can smell it seeping through the whatever, that's an annoyance.

[Larry Miller]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But riding your bike past this cloud of toxic whatever, that's doing serious damage.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you're sucking.

[Brian Bishop]

Especially if it's a smoker's lawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. Jesus, Brian, this is scary. All right, so why can't we get rid of these guys? We have a fucking rule for everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't understand why it's so hard to get rid of leaf blowers.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's it say? The Los Angeles Municipal Code as well. Distance.

[Giovanni]

A gas powered leaf blower within 500ft of a residential. Is that what it says?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Of a residence at any time, both the user of such a blower as well as the individual who contracted for the services of the user, if any, shall be subject to the requirements of and penalty provisions for this ordinance. Violation of the provisions of this subsection shall be punishable as an infraction in an amount not to exceed $100.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now they're really sticking it to them. They completely ignore this. And there's many laws in this city, especially Los Angeles, that are broken all the time and they're never enforced. The ones that are very strictly enforced are no front license plate things like that. These, not so much. And I suspect it's basically you have mainly illegals who don't have deep pockets, so it's not worth fucking with them. Whether it's the guy who's selling flowers in front of the, you know, in front of the mortuary, who doesn't have a business license, or the guy who's pushing the shopping cart with the propane on it, who's selling hot dogs, food for the love of fuck in front of the Staples center with no license or anything like that. That guy doesn't get bothered. The guy who gets bothered is the guy who's going for the liquor license, who's trying to be legitimate and trying to do it. See? So California and especially Los Angeles are wildly difficult. Difficult. It's a wildly difficult state if you're a small business. But if you're illegal and you deal just with cash and under the table, you're completely left alone to do whatever the fuck you want.

[Brian Bishop]

So what does this mean, though? Let's say you hire a gardener and he uses a leaf blower and your neighbor's upset, he can call someone and they'll come out and give you a ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

Theoretically, but it's never happened and it's never gonna happen.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's all go bust our neighbors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, please. All right, so let's get this. I mean, really, it's a health issue and it's fucking loud and it' Loud.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the podcast name, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, let's talk about something that doesn't upset me so much. Something that is an internal combustion engine.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Runs off of fossil fuel, but very little sips it. I'm talking about the all new Nissan Versa sedan. Nissan continues to deliver the innovation for all. As you know, I'm a Datsun man. Datsun, Nissan. Been driving them for years. Racing them now. Too bad I put one into the wall the other day. Damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

Good thing there's more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, starting. I'm going to have to have to lower the Versa, put a catback system, cold air intake and a chip in this baby and turn some hot laps over at the. I don't know what you're talking about. Starting price under $11,000.

[Brian Bishop]

That's incredible.

[Adam Carolla]

I drove this car around for a week. More headroom for the buck than any other car on the planet. Big room in the boot. Big room in the back seat, all the electronic gizmos. You want to find out more about my vers road trip? They're doing a little game, a little contest. Find out more about my Versa road trip and all the new Nissan Versa sedans at. And I guess, or I should say the new Nissan versa [e-mail] that is myversaroadtrip.com I think you can win a new Versa and you get to go on a road trip. And there's a bunch of cool stuff. But anyway, my Versa road trip. All right. Should we take ourselves a break? I think I should say a couple things. We're going to be at the City Walk on Thursday with Patrick Warburton and I don't know that guy's name. Let's just say Patrick Warburton and Jim Shaughnessy. Ah, Shaughnessy. That's right. Also, you guys speaking of lawn mowing, something. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of lawnmowering, while you're in New York, we are going to be doing some odd jobs.

[Giovanni]

We got to pick up some spare cash.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly. We got some time on our hands. I was saying to Brian, I'm going to go back to babysitting. And then we started talking and we decided, what if we put ourselves on ebay? So we're offering to babysit your kid, to mow your lawn. No leaf blowers. To cook you dinner. To Brian. What are the other one? Walk your dog. There's one more.

[Giovanni]

Wash your car.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, we'll wash your car.

[Giovanni]

So if you need an odd job done and you live in the Los Angeles area and you love us, happy to do it. For the highest bidder, of course.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so where do they go?

[Giovanni]

Ebay. Just check out.

[Adam Carolla]

Just go to ebay.

[Giovanni]

Just search Allison Rosen or Paul Bryan. We're on there. And bid. Bid safely and securely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Comedian Kathleen Manigan here next.

[Gary]

I kind of went over the edge, too, with Oprah because of the magazine, because she puts herself on the COVID every single month. I'm like, could you be more narcissistic? How do you bring that up at the staff meeting without totally sounding like Hitler? Yeah. As far as the COVID was gone, the ideas that I keep coming up with, they are of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Every single month.

[Gary]

We will have a photograph of me. Sometimes I will be holding a basket of puppies for no reason. Sometimes I will be painting a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Of me, me, Kathleen Madigan on the Adam Caroli Show. I completely concur. I've said that makes you a narcissistic a million times about Oprah. It's insane.

[Gary]

It's kind of gone off the rails yet.

[Brian Bishop]

If Hitler had been holding puppies, it might have gone down differently.

[Gary]

You know, she hired herself as her own CEO. She interviewed other people.

[Adam Carolla]

She did.

[Gary]

She pulled the Dick Cheney on herself. I mean, at least Dick Cheney pulled it on George Bush. She pulled it on her. I don't know what the interview was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My problem with Oprah is I don't mind her being an entrepreneur, and I don't mind her casting a spell over millions of women and all that kind of stuff. My big problem with Oprah is she thinks she's funny and she ain't. She thinks the things she says are clever and have a lot of gravitas and she's not bad. And she says occasional thing where you. So you're right. If more people live their lives that way, it'd probably be a better world. But she ain't witty and she ain't funny. She has 400 stooges in the crowd that just flap their flippers together over everything. All she has to do is change into that black voice, and everyone just starts going nuts because they all think they're driving out of there in a new Pontiac.

[Gary]

That's the Freestyle.

[Adam Carolla]

But she ain't fucking funny at all.

[Gary]

It's the free stuff voice. That's why they get. That's when they start looking under their chairs. Even what she had on Fergie, who Susie Orman was trying to teach her how to organize her fake finances. It's like, come on, you're royalty. You got kicked to the backyard, but you're still royal. Who are you kidding? You don't really have a checking account.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Gary]

I mean, this is all a big facade. But that was the show that was going to be on Oprah. The show about Sarah Ferguson.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she has a checking account. She has a guy who checks the count. It's different. It's a royal version of a checking account. Could you check the count, see if.

[Brian Bishop]

He'S ready for dinner?

[Gary]

But I swear to God, Fergie was looking under chair for free. Ugg boots. I swear, she kept kind of glancing like, oh, wrong. Are we done with the actual serious stuff? Have we moved on to prizes yet? I love one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's insane. And what happens. It happens to everybody. This is why everyone needs to play a county fair, because you go out in front of your audience day after day. This is what I always say to people about Late night shows starting up. Late night shows suck. Because if you ever do a late night show in like the first six months or first week, God forbid, or the first year, the audience that ain't the audience for that show. That's the audience who got pulled out of a methadone clinic and funneled over to this. That's not. Now you realize, you see Jon Stewart's show or you see whoever show, and you realize, realize it's so much better because that's their audience. And Oprah, at least John is funny. They will fool you into thinking you're more than you are because you picture her doing what she's doing or Ellen doing what she's doing at a county fair. Now picture what the reaction is when she's dancing and making her Justin Bieber jokes and there's just nothing but the sound of a cotton candy machine maker in the background.

[Gary]

It kind of falls apart at the fair. Everything falls apart at the fair.

[Adam Carolla]

No, if you're a band, if you're banned and you rock the fair, you're a good band. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

You were a good band at one point.

[Gary]

Country people. My little. I'm friends with Kelly Pickler because I went to Iraq with her and she did the LA county fair. The country people do well at the county fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Gary]

Yeah. Kelly and Leanne Rimes can rock a fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The. Well, they're blonde. Well, let's see. Well, yeah. No. Well, yeah. Yeah, you gotta be blonde.

[Gary]

Could be tiny and cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Tiny and cute.

[Gary]

A lot of energy. Yo, hand me the way here with.

[Adam Carolla]

And you start, you toss in a few. God bless America's in there. And you're. You're in pretty good shape.

[Gary]

Yeah. Usa, freedom. Pay your taxes. Freedom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I say one more thing about Oprah? I have never found her to be that warm. And I know that I'm in the minority because that's what people love about her is that she's so compassionate or whatever. But I don't see it.

[Gary]

I don't see it. I find it actually the polar opposite. Even when her long lost sister came on, because I'm not a hugger so much. So I notice when other people aren't as well. I'm not that distant, though. But she kind of went up to her like, hello, long lost. It was sort of a weird pat on the back. Like either don't hug her at all or really go for it like an Italian mom, but this weird, gratuitous. Yeah, it was. Yeah. There we go. Thank you. Holy God. Who's working those graphics?

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Gary]

How do you do that so quickly? That is astonishing. Whoever. That should be the president. I can't see who's doing that.

[Brian Bishop]

Gary. Gary for president.

[Gary]

Gary.

[Brian Bishop]

Because he goes Google image virtually. Well, yes.

[Gary]

It's just sort of this. It's like, okay, I feel sorry for you because tv and I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at a picture of Oprah and her half or long lost or whatever sister, I like to call her.

[Gary]

Her final episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's how it worked with Oprah. I do believe we all know those people that are way too into pets and not so much into people. Oprah now at a certain point, but there's a limited budget, that super nutty PETA people and the super nutty dog people that turn out to be total bitches. It's like Ellen's a cunt and she's crying when her dog of three. Three days gets taken back by her hairdresser or whatever. Meanwhile, I've talked to people who work with her, just said she's the worst human being on the planet. So, you know, she's a horrible person who funnels all the shit into dogs and cats. And that's what horrible people do. They funnel all that shit into dogs and cats. I have the feeling that Oprah is one of those people that is. I'm sure everyone who works with her hates her, and I'm sure she's off doing her own thing, and she's probably cold as ice and all that kind of stuff, but she is so rich that she's replaced dogs with African kids. And she's essentially said, look, first off, it's that sort of a mindset, which is. It's the one Ellen has, which is, how can people know? People will never know I'm a cunt if I start every show by dancing. And Oprah's thing is, people will never know how much I hate people if I start schools for African kids in Biafra.

[Gary]

Well, also, though, the whole thing with that school is all these girls, okay? We're already in a poor town, wherever we are, and they got these green masters jackets as a prize.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Gary]

But they all had to interview, and only like 200 of them got in because they had the it factor. So she went into a horrible poor town and told 8,000 girls, you don't have it. You suck on a level that's so sucky. Why not open one school and let all the kids come?

[Adam Carolla]

Good news.

[Gary]

This is a boarding school, and you have to have whatever she teaches.

[Adam Carolla]

So 200 of you were accepted, and 7,800 of you have been accepted into Rape Academy. Have fun. Bye. Bye.

[Gary]

Hunger. Hunger pains are terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to that school, you can master in aids and you can major in AIDS with an emphasis and a distended belly. All right, let's move forward with the chosen 200. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah. So I feel like Oprah does that stuff because. And don't get me wrong. Good. She started a school. That's a good thing. I mean, the net is. I've started a school, and society will be a little bit better because of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. But it doesn't distract us from her cuntitude.

[Adam Carolla]

I think those kids are her puppies. And, you know that thing of I don't want any kids for myself?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's somebody who ain't. I mean, I hate to say it, but if you're a woman and you've decided kids are not on the menu for the rest of my life, that means there's something a little bit wrong in. In the cabeza.

[Gary]

I don't trust children with that kind of. Well, no, but I also don't have pets, so I'm not funneling it in a weird way. No. But I. Because I travel 50 weeks a year, and I can't. I can't do that. And I also help raise some younger siblings. I got a taste that it.

[Adam Carolla]

The 50 weeks a year is dancing, and then there's two weeks where she does comedy. That's the whole year.

[Brian Bishop]

And then there's a few days where she's opening.

[Gary]

It's Cougar Pole night in Davenport. Right on. Actually, I actually saw open pole night in. God, it was Milwaukee. Madison. Madison. A strip club. And it said open pole night. Oh, my God. Like, you could. As long as you can physically take off your clothes, you can try.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they. They used to have, you know, just open. Essentially, they had open mic night for comedians.

[Brian Bishop]

Open.

[Gary]

Right. But it was open for real.

[Adam Carolla]

And they used to have amateur night for strippers, which is always cool because it's fun to see civilians up there rather than, you know, hardened veterans.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you ever see professionals trying out their new material?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, everybody, there's a poll over there, and nobody's on it. So it's open pole. Put your grin and Drapulain Jade Stage 4. There's closure pole. Yes. The polls have closed. Oh, what a gig.

[Gary]

And you know, that's the exact song they're playing in Madison tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

They never stop it. They never stop. Hey, all you Chicks who thought you were gonna go to a four year university but instead got molested by his stepdad. Open pole night, Tuesday night, bottomless buckets of shrimp and $2 draft beer. Come on, dad. Yeah, shrimp.

[Giovanni]

High class.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a nice joint.

[Giovanni]

Shrimp.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where the hell were we? Kathleen. Yeah, Kathleen went to. Let's see, where'd you go? Afghanistan and Iraq.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't know that was a different place.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd that go? How's that USO stuff go?

[Gary]

Well, we were on the fancy one with Mike Mullen and it was me and Lewis Black and the first year Kid Rock, Kelly Pickler and then last year Robin Williams, Lance Armstrong and Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

And me and how's it must feel great.

[Gary]

It. The shows are great. The whole thing is colossally. I mean Afghanistan is such a. We were flying in some helicopter and there were just camels roaming like herds of camels and Lugo. Lugos. Are those wild. I'm like, what does that even mean, Lewis? I mean they don't have numbers and saddles on them. I don't think we're at a camel.

[Adam Carolla]

Monkeys riding them or not.

[Gary]

He's like, where are we? We've flown to the bike bowl. That's where we are. We're in the bike. It's. You can't even. Iraq. You go, okay. I could see there was a civilization here. We broke it, we fix it, we own it. But Afghanistan, I mean, it's like when people. How much money will it cost effect? How much money would it cost to fix the moon? That's your question. Whatever your answer is, you are exactly right. There's nothing there. It's. It's crazy. We're not coming home. They can. Everybody that even talks about that hasn't been there. They just keep building, building more giant bases.

[Adam Carolla]

And what do you. What do you think's the cause of that?

[Gary]

I have no idea why we're there. I really don't. And there must be a reason that they're not really telling us. This isn't about six guys up in the mountain with. With grenade launchers or. Kelly Pickler kept calling. Do they have potato guns up there? They do. They do, Kelly. They have potato guns up there and they're very dangerous. You stay under your buns the next four days.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you can't judge all cultures.

[Gary]

I don't know why they're. But the soldiers are very happy that we come and do a show. And they're all very nice and we do all of the jokes about that place. In front of them and they all laugh their ass off. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I would say that would be like probably the top of the list in terms of material is to essentially roast the country you're in.

[Gary]

Yeah. But you also wonder, like, you don't want to get too like seemingly political or something because they are stuck there and they. Right, they. You want to support them without saying, you know that I. You think it's crazy. I mean, the bag, Baghdad, there's a Taco Bell on the base. I'm like, okay, that's victory. We've won.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it? I'm wondering, does the Taco Bell taste exact.

[Gary]

I think I was too afraid to eat it. And I love Taco Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I do too. But I think the one good thing about synthesized food is it's exactly, it's like a pharmaceutical drug. It's like exactly the same as it is in Milwaukee, as it is in Baghdad, as it is in Manhattan. It's like if you go, if you're going to a sort of, you know, hey, it's a Thai food joint or it's a Mon Pa Mexican food joint, that's going to vary wildly. But Taco Bell, McDonald's always the same.

[Brian Bishop]

Starbucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Close your eyes. You would have no fucking idea what continent you're on.

[Gary]

I'm gonna say no though, because like I ate at Kentucky Fried Chicken in London and it was horrific, horrible, horrible. They don't know how to do it right.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Gary]

No, it was terrible. So I figured the Taco Bell over there, they don't have real black people.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I mean, meat. Right. I know.

[Gary]

Shame they don't have Mexican, I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

We'Re still chicken, by the way.

[Gary]

Oh, no. Black people in the. No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying they don't have proper black people in London to complain. You know what I mean? Oh, I say our black people not put up with bad fried chicken. Their people don't know any better. They're all like Lennox Lewis. You know, they don't understand seal or somebody. You know what I mean? I don't think they. No. Yeah. So you're saying Kentucky Fried Chicken in London.

[Gary]

I figured that might work cuz chicken, everybody has chickens and they're all fed just whatever. But beef can get weird. Like grass fed cows versus corn fed cows. And then I thought, I haven't even seen a cow over here. All I've seen is goats and camels. No, I don't want a camel taco. No. I just. It's better stay away.

[Adam Carolla]

It really does sound like a Name for something else. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So, Kathleen, when you were talking to the soldiers over there, did they know why they were there?

[Gary]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gary]

But that's why we. Louis and I realized, like, that's how well the military works, because they break everything down to. You just have a job. It is not your job to question why you have this job. But nobody really has the big picture. Everybody's just got a tiny picture. Well, Adam, you're gonna go work in the kitchen every day from seven till five. Kathleen. And we're all gonna go do. So you just focus on your little job every day, and then the whole thing runs as.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

To keep your sanity.

[Gary]

90% of the people never leave the base. So they're not really. They're in a war, but they're not shooting people. Like, the sniper people go up into the mountains and try to find the guys and shoot them and stuff. But most people, you're just in a. Basically, it's a giant community college.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Gary]

I mean, seriously, the cafeteria, they have a little. Here's your pasta bar, and here's your crazy, you know, salad bar.

[Adam Carolla]

And right.

[Gary]

Somebody has. It's building a city and then running it. And you look at. I said, what are we going to do when we leave? Well, they're giving the stuff away in Baghdad. If you want a tank, you can just go over and have one. We don't want them. And the Russians left everything in Afghanistan. You know, it's bad when the Russians were like, fuck it, man. Here's the keys, here's some cars. We're out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing about shipping tanks is it probably cost more seeing how they're several tons.

[Brian Bishop]

When I moved back from New York York, I got rid of my tank.

[Adam Carolla]

You left your M1 Abrams back in Manhattan. Now, the cost of shipping a tank is more than the tank is worth.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Allison, do you have some news, by the way? And I should. I should tell people that Kathleen Madigan is. Has a comedy DVD gone Madigan. It is out now. Available on Amazon, by the way. And speaking of Amazon, if you'd like to support our show, and Kathleen brought some wine, by the way. So bear with me. If you'd like to support our show and you'd like to support Kathleen, you want to go get her DVD out on Amazon? Well, you can click through our site, go to amcrola.com, click on our banner, the Amazon banner, and then go get it that way. And then we get a little love, and then Kathleen gets a little Love and everyone's happy. You can support the show. Yes. Yes. Win. Win. All right. Sorry. Allison Rosen with the news live from the International News center, next to Donny's minibikes. This is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

American student Amanda Knox, who was convicted by an Italian court for the 2007 murder of her roommate Meredith Kercher, was acquitted Monday by an appeals court. Her murder conviction in the 2007 slaying of Meredith Kercher was thrown out by the jury, and she was ordered immediately released from prison after nearly four years of detention. She was seen leaving the prison about 90 minutes later. Knox collapsed in tears after the verdict was read out. The murder conviction against her former boyfriend, Rafaeli Sollecito was also thrown out. The judge upheld Knox's conviction on a charge of slander for accusing bar owner Patrick Lamumba of carrying out the killing. He set the sentence at three years, meaning for time served and a fine of €22,000, which is about $29,000. Knox had been in prison since November 6, 2007. Knox and Sollecito had been convicted in 2009 of sexually assaulting and murdering Kercher, who was stabbed to death in her bedroom. She was found the following day in a pool of blood and covered by a duvet.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw this.

[Brian Bishop]

The duvet was ruined.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw the story when it came out and they did one of those like 20, 20 things on it. It was like one of those things where you're like, oh, please, she's not guilty. And then five minutes later like, oh, she definitely did it. And then 10 minutes after that, you're like, oh, she didn't do it.

[Brian Bishop]

That's kind of what the justice system did with her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's how they do it. I have no fucking idea.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I have no sense either.

[Gary]

Maybe next time she'll learn, support your college and go there. Yeah, there's no reason for all this nonsense.

[Adam Carolla]

Italy. My feeling with killers is pretty selfish and self oriented, as most my ideas are, which is if I don't think they're going to kill anybody again, I don't really give a shit. Like, I feel this way about the Menendez brothers. I feel like their parents had to be world class A holes, otherwise they would have never agreed to take a shotgun to mom and dad. They're pricks, but they're not killers. I mean, they killed their parents.

[Gary]

They're not going to keep killing other people. OJ Wanted Nicole.

[Adam Carolla]

Your kids don't have to worry. Your non kids, your unborn kids. Don't have to worry about Lyle Menendez. Did you see what I'm saying?

[Gary]

Yeah. They just wanted them dead in their money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You do have to worry about Tex Watson, but you don't have to worry about these guys. So the first thing I do is I make this clear distinction between the people.

[Brian Bishop]

Are they going to be. Repeat offense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's sort of like Conrad Murray. Or is it Murray or Murphy Murray. Yeah, Murray. It's like Michael Jackson's doctor. Like, on one hand. Yeah. He probably is responsible for killing Jacko. On the other hand, was Jacko a nut who was strung out on drugs.

[Brian Bishop]

And he was a great dancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, true. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Take all that back. Is Conrad Murray gonna go on a killing spree? Am I gonna send my kids to him and he's gonna snuff them out with a pillow? You know what I mean? I really make the distinction of. Of what other harm is this guy going to inflict upon society versus also what punishment needs to be meted out for whatever they did in the past. So when it comes to, like, the chicks, like, Amanda Knox. Amanda Knox. And I'm fucking up because one of the Kennedy thing was Moxley or Knoxley or something. Right. Which is Martha. Yeah. Which is confusing. But anyway, I don't care if she goes free. Whether she did it or not. I don't suspect she'll be killing anyone else. That's my thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

I don't. Also, I think she's one of those weird granola chicks from Seattle, but. So she'd seem socially weird. But I don't. I don't understand what the benefit would have been to kill the roommate. She was paying her rent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

I mean, seriously, why would you. Killer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

I mean, if the rent was late.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

You might have just.

[Brian Bishop]

You guys.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a picture of the dude who she said it was. It was the funniest. I had a nice. One of my nice racist moments where I was sort of sitting around. I was like, she's in Italy and she did it, and she's talking about some other Italian dudes or something, like some spindly Italian dudes. And then a big brother shows up and like, oh, the game has changed just a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Because there were three of them who are accused of the murder was Amanda Knox. It was her ref. This ref, yellow guy was her boyfriend. And there was another guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know they had the big brothers in Italy. That was the.

[Brian Bishop]

You have them everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the game changer for me. Yeah. Moore's yeah, the moors. One of the Moore showed up at the. At the hotel or at the. At the flat they were renting.

[Gary]

And if somebody kept me for 72 hours and they kept saying, why don't you say Adam did it? I'd be all right. Adam did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, she said they wouldn't. They wouldn't let her go to the bathroom. They wouldn't give her anything to drink until she made a statement. And she also said they hit her. So I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

So she's out?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she's out. And she came back to Seattle today.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

But this, it's weird. Like, unlike Casey Anthony or other things where despite what the jury says, I still in my heart, sort of suspect this one. I really don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know either. And does anybody know? Well, here's how we could know. As I've said, everything, you know, as I say comes to fruition. It's some point. Could we all just focus as. Not as just our society, but as all the other communities that are right thinking and have a scientific department. Let's work on the. Sorry. Showing a picture of the dude, the one black guy in Italy. The point is this. It's sad. The point is this. Because his guards look good, though. The point. Point is, can't we all start working on that lie detector? That one system that works that's irrefutable, that one that says, look, once you don't pass this, you're 99.99% guilty like you were there. I mean, let's put it this way. And I know there are people that. They'll dispute this and they'll correct me, but here's the deal. You. There is a camera at every crime scene. That camera is the eyes of the person who was there, there, you were there if you were there or if you weren't there. But your eyes are essentially video cameras that videotape whatever's going on that night. All we have to do. And look, let's face it, a lot of the stuff we're doing now was considered crazy science fiction. If you would have told people about heart transplants 100 years ago or 50 years ago, they would say, oh, you're stealing the soul of the person. Well, it's almost commonplace now, or at least we accept it. And, you know, whether it's walking on the moon or a phone that's the size of the palm of your hand, that has more computing power than the first Apollo mission spacecraft had, whatever it is, eventually this stuff becomes. We can realize this stuff, right?

[Brian Bishop]

So if we can just play back the stuff is in your brain.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been saying for 10 years, let's work on a universal lie detector. Let's work on something that science and people go, well, people can be, okay, listen, we have breathalyzers. We figured out how much alcohol is in your system. If you don't want to take the breathalyzer by the side of the road, guess what? You get arrested. That's basically you admitting your guilt. And, you know, people go, well, you can tamper with. You can tamper with the jury. You can tamper with just about anything if you have a ton of money.

[Gary]

Like an actual lie detector doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I want something you put on your brain. I want a piece of technology that after the crime, when you get brought in, you are. You are. And it. And it's. It's administered by, you know, multiple experts. And it's done. It's redundant. It's done more than once or whatever, but if you don't pass that shit, it's like DNA. It's 99.99%. You did it. I would like that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd be remiss if I did not point out that there was an episode of Different Strokes where Arnold was hypnotized to recall a certain license plate.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember that one.

[Brian Bishop]

Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

So it's too bad that hypnosis isn't foolproof in any way, because you'd think that would be a way to access what's actually in the memory.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we have. We have functional MRIs, and functional MRIs will. Will basically look at your brain, and Brian can argue all he wants that he's not in a cock, but that functional. When I show him a picture of a cock and that part of his brain goes off like a pinball machine.

[Brian Bishop]

It goes off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It cannot be controlled.

[Giovanni]

The brain bones connected to the bone. Bone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm just saying, let's work on some kind of functional MRI thing. Let's do. Anything's got to be better than this. And everyone does that thing all the time. Whenever I bring this shit up, they go, hey, man, our system. Our system is what? Whether it's oj, whether it's this case, whether it's the Casey Anthony, whatever. There's a case every 18 months where you're like, that cop from Chicago. Did he really kill his wife, we never found the body, blah, blah, blah. You think our fucking ours is foolproof? No.

[Gary]

No. But don't you think it balances out like, ah, we got one wrong. But hey, we got that guy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but that's it.

[Gary]

Just. You just hope you're not one of the wrong ones.

[Brian Bishop]

But better, though, than balancing out.

[Gary]

Well, yeah, this idea would be fantastic. But then I also think people, forever the defense people will say, no, not legitimate, and don't take it.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, have said that we say that about new technology all the time. Whenever they talk about stem cell research, it's like you're killing fetuses, you know, and then at some point, people kind of get past it. Science prevails is what I'm saying. This is one of the last things that's fairly archaic.

[Gary]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it's going back to the Roman days. Right.

[Gary]

Well, still, it's never admissible. I mean, they never will admit. Admit a lie detector test.

[Brian Bishop]

But if they could find something like Adam's talking about.

[Gary]

No, I agree. Then that would be more the world's.

[Adam Carolla]

Technology get together with all the industrialized nations and go, look, let's come up with something that is going to streamline this process. And I'm not saying it's a lie detector that has an electric chair built into it, but let's come up with something twofer.

[Gary]

Yeah, I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's come up with something that is. Is scientific and has a 99.99% chance of whatever versus what we have now, which is a lot of hearsay and people whose memories are fuzzy.

[Gary]

I like it.

[Giovanni]

I like it. To your point, isn't it crazy that in matters of life and death and trials and stuff like that, we still rely on people putting their hands on a Bible and saying, I'm telling you the truth?

[Gary]

Well, yeah, that seems so good.

[Giovanni]

Isn't that crazy?

[Brian Bishop]

And that we are so bad at figuring out whether people are telling the truth or not?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And the jury is st. And they see a guy who looks good and they see a guy who doesn't look good, or they see a black guy, or they see a white guy, or they see a guy sweating and it seems like he's lying. You know, let's get rid of all that. Let's just get this piece of machinery in. And when you take a look at the world of medicine and you see what they can do now and what they can do now compared to what they could do in the 50s and especially before that, the technology is amazing. Let's take some of that technology and pour it into this department. And it's not like it's not broken. The system's never worked. I don't know, 70%, 65%, depending on what color you are and how much money your daddy has. Let's do this one. And it would be much more satisfying to the. To the public at large to know, okay, O.J. did this or Amanda did that. All right?

[Gary]

So that it was proved rather than a juror. I mean, Two of the O.J. jurors actually said, we don't. We don't believe in this DNA.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

I mean. I mean, that's where we're starting. They don't even believe it's real.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

So how are you going to convince.

[Brian Bishop]

Them of the theory of DNA?

[Gary]

You and your crazy footprints.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Stupid Bruno Molly shoes.

[Brian Bishop]

Tuesday was the sixth day of the Conrad Murray trial, and a number of Murray's girlfriends and mistresses took the stand. The prosecution is not only attempting to go after Murray's moral care character, but contends that one reason Murray is responsible for Jackson's death is because phone calls and text messages to these women caused him to ignore Jackson while administering dangerous drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he married or something? Or he just had some friends.

[Brian Bishop]

He had many gal friends. He liked the ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell?

[Brian Bishop]

He was living with Nicole Alvarez, who's 29 and who is the mother of his child. But there are also all sorts of other women that he was talking to. And one of them, Michelle Bella, who's an exotic dancer, took the stand. And we have some video of that. Now, there's something that I'm noticing as I'm watching this that I found distracting. And, Adam, I'm wondering with your hyper vigilance, what your reaction to this video is going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, is this the one where she refers to her body as an instrument? The defendant seated here in the courtroom, wearing the purple tie? Yes.

[Larry Miller]

Indicating Dr. Murray, the defendant?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you Conrad, awful line in February of 2008?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's a lot of assets. At a social type club, say. Affirmative.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you working in the club?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that club located in Las Vegas?

[Gary]

Yes, Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

It's actually in Sarasota. From that first meeting Murray, did he give you his telephone number? Yes. And at some point after you met.

[Lynette Carolla]

Did you contact him on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Number that he had provided to you when you met in the club? Please say yes. Yes.

[Gary]

Oh, that hurt. That one hurt. That one hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

And after your first meeting, did you and Conrad Murray communicate?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Describe for me the types of communications that you had with him, please.

[Larry Miller]

I'll sustain the objection.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Pause it for a second. This is every Dude's nightmare. Like, oh, met some at his strip club. Smash cut to she's up there just being wit. Just being torn apart by an angry lesbian. And it's all going to sound bad.

[Brian Bishop]

It all sounds like, yes, yes, I'm.

[Gary]

Glad to see that at every day of this trial though. The entire Jackson fans family is still unemployed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, they don't need to work.

[Gary]

Not well, maybe minus Janet. But I always think like, if I got in a lot of trouble and got weird, my brother would be like, dude, I only have two weeks of vacation this year and I just can't make it down there for that. Yeah, my siblings all have jobs, this whole family. Well, Germaine's the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that your brother calls you dude though. Yeah, that's my favorite part of this.

[Gary]

Story though he's younger, he still thinks he's.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when dudes argue with chicks and be like, dude, dude, dude, listen to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, or man, sometimes they say, man, come on, dude.

[Gary]

And even at 35, his, his always the question is, I don't know, is there free alcohol? I'm like, when? When are you going to be over that, Pat?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, hold on, I like Pat now. My kind of dude.

[Gary]

Tickets to St. Louis Cardinal Thing, blah, blah, blah. And he like, yeah, okay, so this hookah up thing about free booze, huh? Pat, you're 35, you're a stockbroker. Let it go. Pay for the beer. I mean, seriously, I pay for it, but that's ridiculous. It's like $9, you know, 4 ounce beer. It's like shots of beer for $9. Come on, dude, hook me up.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody should take all her S's and string them together into 1/10 second long non stop. They said, yeah, I heard the other chick today who was up there talking about her body being her Instagram instrument and her voice, or her instrument, she was an actress. I don't know who the actress who was brought up on the stand. I mean, look, the guy did what the guy does. He's a doctor who's not interested in flying over to Africa and helping kids with cleft palates. He wants to work with Michael Jackson. He wants to make money. He's doing what he does. Nine times out of 10 you don't get busted and nothing ever happens and you just sort of continue this. There's a part of me that feels sorry for these guys because they're just doing what was going on as we speak. It's just, look, Elvis's doctor would have gone up, would have had the Same thing. Or Elvis's. Five doctors would have done the same thing, except for just a different time. And we didn't have a bunch of court. We didn't have a bunch of cell phone records.

[Gary]

And he made the mistake of spending the night. You just got to drop the drugs off and leave. You don't hang around. That's what Conrad Murray the mistake. I think, unfortunately for him, because you could have blamed that last doctor. Where did Michael get all that other stuff? I mean, this is the guy. He's the last man at the crime scene. That's his downfall.

[Adam Carolla]

I went home. All I know is I saw him being interviewed by. What's that guy's name? That fucking Indian guy's name?

[Brian Bishop]

Sanjay Gupta.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the guy did the extendo interview with him.

[Gary]

Oh, Martin Bashir.

[Adam Carolla]

Martin Bashir. And he's just sitting there. Martin Bashir is doing that thing. I've had it happen to me a time or two when I was interviewing someone. Martin Mashear's like, michael, all the facial surgery you've had. And Michael's like, I've had one. Oh, no. Two nose jobs. And that was just to breathe. That's just to hit high notes. And Martin's going, but, Michael, you look so different. You look so. People change, Martin. People change. Those pictures. You saw me, I was nine years old. People change. And Martin. Martin's like, but, Michael, I'm talking about when you're 20, 25, 26, people change. So you've had no facial surgery. Just a two. Just a two nose job, Michael, you look completely different. People change. I was a young boy. It was like. It was like, kevin, broken record. Are you serious? Like, you're seriously sitting here making this argument. And all poor Martin could do was do about four laps on the exact same topic. And then at a certain point, you either have to scream liar or move on. There's no. It's wildly uncomfortable. He kept saying, and. And also, you could tell he was lying. You could just tell Jackson was lying, because he did. He's like, I had one or two nose jobs. First off, I had my right knee repaired twice. Meniscus tear. It's not like I've got.

[Brian Bishop]

But your knee looks totally different, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like I go, one, maybe. You know how many nose jobs you've had? Yeah, number one, number two. And then at the end, when the whole thing was done, he was like, martin, everybody in Hollywood gets a plastic surgery. So it's like he doubled back to sort of explain that everyone got it. But he's got the chin, he's got the lips, he's got the whole thing. And he's just sitting there looking at him, going, no, no, people change. People change.

[Gary]

Like, but if he calls him just a crazy ass liar, then he knows the interview's over, so he's stuck. He's got to just keep saying, are you certain? Are you sure?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And they do the same thing that all liars, all liars do, which is. And I don't know why liars do this. People do this to me all the time, which is they pick a, they make a stupid argument, they go, martin, I would, I was a little poor at the time. And then the guy will jump in and go, no, no, not then. I'm talking about like eight years ago. And they'll go, I was a little boy at the time. Like, we just addressed that exact. I just addressed that, did I not? If you can find that, that exchange at some point, you guys will fucking.

[Gary]

I think that. And when they had their heads of it up, I think Martin presented him with a picture scheme type thing of his whole life. Michael's still looking at that. People change.

[Adam Carolla]

People change. I was a boy.

[Brian Bishop]

If Gary for President were there.

[Gary]

Yeah, I mean, if Chaz Bono was saying that, I'd go, no, you're right, people change. It can get weird. You're right.

[Brian Bishop]

So the way, Adam, you're saying people do this to you when you interview them or just in life.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in life I bring up points to people and they bring up the exact same point back to me. And then I go, yeah, but that was after that, so. And then they go. And then they just bring it up again. It's, it's, it's essentially, it's a form of stupidity. I know about that. And in this case, it's grandiosity. You have to be wildly grandiose or you have to be stupid. But it's what kids do. Yes, they bring up a point, they counter your argument with their argument. And you go, well, that doesn't make sense because that's three weeks before the date I'm talking about. And then later on in the argument, they will bring up the exact same point. And then you'll just say, we already said that and I told you that wasn't that. It's stupidity meets grandiose.

[Gary]

But little kids too will lie repeatedly with the same lie, like, my sister's got three year old twins. And if I say, claire, did you do something? So, no, Claire, I'm gonna give you more chance you do something. No, it's a different tone, but it's still a no. But it's a kid thinking if I say it often enough, you will believe. Believe it. Even though I. Well, the kid doesn't know that you know. Well, that's the difference. Michael knows that, you know, and he's still acting like a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a grandiosity though. That's. That's when I can say whatever I.

[Gary]

Want because I'm Jesus pretty much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, that's when Kim Jong Il goes out and shoots around a golf and then he tells his Caddy, 60, I just shot a 60. And the guy goes, I saw you take a triple bogey on that. And he goes, 60, 60. And what's the guy going to do? Get shot or write down 60, right? And everyone. And then he goes back to the clubhouse and goes, guess who just shot a 60? Another course record, your highness. And everyone goes, yeah, because no one's going to say, you fucking nuts. You're not.

[Gary]

You can't do that. Did you hear? This is the other thing I thought about that. This was so weird. I've only seen bits and pieces, but that somebody told me, I forget a comic or somebody who. Somebody knew, somebody who worked, that Michael Jackson's high voice was fake. That in real life he spoke with a very deep, normal guy voice. But the tape they played where he was on all those drums. Yeah, his voice was super deep. And I'm like, that's. Well, just because you're on drug. Look, just because I could go out and get totally hammered tonight and I'm not all of a sudden, I'm not gonna come in talking like this. It's not gonna change the tone of my voice.

[Adam Carolla]

We're number one.

[Gary]

Nothing has changed.

[Adam Carolla]

There is that kind of. No, I will make the ether rag argument. The argument, but yes, slower. No, he's a guy, not deeper. He's a guy who was abused. And I don't know if he was sexually abused, but he was abused and he was abused as a child. And when you're abused as a child, you get trapped in that space. So he was perpetually an 8 year old and that's why he had a fucking Ferris wheel and his giraffe in his back. And that's why he spoke in that voice. But also some of that voice was to ward off the people. It was that sort of Don King effect, which is, I'll wave an American flag, I'll comb my hair out, right? I couldn't hurt a child. I love Children. Why can't we all just sleep in a bed? Right, Right. Because.

[Gary]

Do you think he had the real man's voice when he went home? Did he come home at 5:00 and go, I'm fucking hungry and want some chicken?

[Adam Carolla]

I definitely say, if you pissed him off, that voice comes out every damn night. Yeah, I'm just, I'm I'm just saying, if you sound like Isaac Hayes, you're like, hey, what's wrong with sharing my bed with some little children? There's nothing wrong with children sleeping on bed. Yeah. I mean, and listen, I wouldn't mind if my children slept in the same bed as a man. No, I don't find that used to do that. Everyone's like, what the. Are you nuts?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

No way. But if you go, what's wrong with the children spending some time in bed, and I love the tunes. Then all of a sudden. Yeah, you got a different ballgame there.

[Gary]

I think it was Patton Oswald. I'm not sure if I'm misquoting some other comic. I apologize. I think it was Pat. No. Who said, I'll never forget. Michael Jackson was the only child molester that actually had what he promised. Because most playground and go, hey, you want to come on my Ferris wheel? Michael Jackson. You get there like, dude, he's really got a giraffe. He's really got a lion. This guy's off the.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally you just. That van ends up in the forest somewhere.

[Gary]

You don't get the puppies that you thought you were gonna see. There's no puppies.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Brian Bishop]

In a sense. He really was not a liar.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he delivered on, you know, the chimpanzee and the popcorn machine in the living room and all that good stuff, you know.

[Gary]

You know, with. And this is so. I. I never got. I think it was in the Martin Bashir thing. I'm not sure. One of the things about him, a two hour special after Neverland, they couldn't pay the bills anymore and so forth. Everything was basically closed and just kind of sad and broken and stuff. There was an ice. What? An ice cream. Not. Yeah, yeah, like ice cream.

[Adam Carolla]

Ice cream.

[Brian Bishop]

Icy.

[Gary]

No, come on.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't think of cotton candy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's ice and with. No, no, the syrup all over it. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, it's ice in a. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Shaved ice.

[Adam Carolla]

Snow cone.

[Gary]

Snow cone. Okay, so there's a guy, the snow cone vendor, but he. There's no customers because the whole place is closed. But somehow they forgot to fire him, like, and he's still getting a check. And I thought, seriously, I. I now give you weirdest job on Earth. Yeah, you. You run the snow cone machine at Neverland, but no one lives there. I mean, that's beyond the shining. That's beyond weird. Yeah, but I think, well, if you're getting a check, I mean, if all you got to do is stand there and somebody lets you through the gate and the checks keep coming like a Social Security dead person, Right? Yeah, I guess. But no one in the show thought that was weird. Like, they interviewed the guy and they were like, say, how do you lock your job? He's like, well, you know, it's kind of boring and.

[Adam Carolla]

But is it sad that I envy that guy?

[Gary]

I do, too.

[Adam Carolla]

He's, like, the coolest gig on the planet.

[Gary]

I always look for no easier job than.

[Adam Carolla]

But, yeah, who's gonna miss you while you go ride the Ferris wheel for a couple minutes?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, I wonder if he still puts up the sign. That's like, back in 10.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves the children, you know. All right, let me. Let me give a little love to one of our sponsors, Encore. That's right. Encore Insurance Services, llc for life insurance. And again, as Jacko will tell you. Oh, that's right. He can't tell you he's not here.

[Giovanni]

But if he could.

[Adam Carolla]

But if he could, he can speak.

[Gary]

To you through the clouds.

[Adam Carolla]

He would tell you to call 866-347-5748 or visit them online at their website [e-mail] thinking about getting a little life insurance. Or maybe you already have coverage, but you pay too much. Call Encore. See if they can help you save some money. They'll compare the premiums of the highly rated insurers that they represent to help you. So they represent a bunch of insurance companies, good insurance companies. They compare contrast and pow. Move those savings right along to you. Let them work for you. Give them a call. 866-347-5748. Licensing and Disclaimer information can be found on their [e-mail] that is smartterm.com. oh, taken all the yeses and the Bashir plastic surgery clip. We have all that. All right. Wow. Let's hear it. Seated here in the courtroom wearing the purple tie. Yes. Nice work. All right, here's.

[I]

So that was that.

[Gary]

Good job.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice job in there, fellas. Who knew this would you be doing for a living one day? When I say living, I mean $18 a day. All right, and now here's Martin. Now you can see his Frustration, because. And you tell me what you would do. He does about three and a half rounds of Michael, but at a certain point, do you move on or you just fucking sit there and keep asking the same question and listen to Michael, like the child or Banana Republic dictator that he was, answer the same question with the same answer that he explains away three different times? Here we go. Oh, wait a minute.

[Gary]

We can't hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Little technical difficulty. Michael's wearing a brooch crown. Brooch crown. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Michael did dress like a cross between a child and a Banana Republic. That's remarkable.

[Adam Carolla]

We have it now, clearly used to overcome this is changing your appearance. You. You've. You've kind of, you know, you've physically changed, haven't you? The photographs of you, if I look at them.

[Gary]

No, it's called adolescence. It's called growing and changing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but even the shape of your face has changed.

[Gary]

It has not. I've had no plastic surgery on my face, just my nose.

[Adam Carolla]

It helped me breathe better so I can hit higher notes. But are you, Michael, are you honestly saying that you've only ever had one operation? Two. You've had two as I can remember. Yeah, there's two. If I look at some of the photographs of you in your adolescence. Yeah, I change. People change. But even after, when you did the Thriller album, your lips are very different now to what they were then. But they do look different. Sorry, you don't think so? Nope. But you know, on a serious point, in some ways I can understand it because. Not happy with my lips. No, but enough. Forget the lips specifically. And everybody in Hollywood get plastic surgery.

[Gary]

Plastic surgery wasn't invented for Michael Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Did for Michael Jackson. But what I'm saying is sometimes people go too far. Sometimes if they've got a lot of money and they have an opportunity, sometimes they can think, oh, I'll do things. Especially given your childhood. I mean, while we've talked, I've become. I've begun to understand how difficult that was for you, how unhappy you were as a child, as an adolescent, how unhappy you were about your appearance. You told me in Neverland that your father used to insult you. You told me in Las Vegas your father used to talk about your nose. So I can understand why you wanted to change your appearance. It makes sense. I wouldn't want just that, though. Not the whole face, just the nose. They try to say, why does he keep changing it? It's not true. It's just the nose, you know, Even though the shape of the face is different because I've Changed my.

[Giovanni]

How have you changed?

[Gary]

I was a little kid.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about pictures of you in your 20s. No, I'm still. I was changing. I was changing. All right, I'm telling you, it's too sad.

[Gary]

But here's the thing. I loved it when he go. When he goes, if you altered your appearance in a drastic manner and Michael's like, no, no. And he goes on a serious note. I think the first question was pretty serious. Have you altered your appearance in a.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, you see how many times he got back that I was a little kid.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I mean, if it were me, I would have done what he did and just moved on. Because it's, it's like you already have your answer, Mark. I mean, Michael Jackson is clearly upset by the whole topic. It's like it's not a court, so you don't need him to actually say the word.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, and also you're. The thing is, you had your nose operated on so you could hit the high notes. Couple things. I never heard any complaints about Mike not being able to grab those high notes when he was 14. Like, seemed like he did all right with the high notes. Number two, taking your nostrils and making them from a super sized Dion Warwick size A intake. That's shaker hood size intake to pin holes. I don't think it's going to help you hit that high note.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that's why he had to get the second surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

But Martin, your nose.

[Gary]

Martin should have had both pictures. You can't. The thing is, they're talking about vagueness there. You know what age? I don't know. I would have had both pictures and said, this is you when you did and here's you now. So that is out his childhood.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But I think with that there's diminishing returns. Interview wise change.

[Adam Carolla]

I changed.

[Gary]

I used to be a small, young black boy.

[Adam Carolla]

I changed.

[Gary]

See how much I've changed?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, look, when you're dealing with that kind of. And by the way, who knows what medication he was on at that time? And when is the last time somebody said to him, hey, motherfucker, shut up, you're full of shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, to your point earlier, didn't it seem like the more upset he got, his voice changed a little bit and then he had to like reel it in and go back to his gentle high voice.

[Adam Carolla]

I was too obsessed with the tape on the ends of his fingers.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

He was pumping his hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You could see his body change. And like I said, you did that thing where it's like, I didn't have any plastic surgery. And then ends it with, everybody in Hollywood has plastic. Which is.

[Brian Bishop]

It was not invented for Michael Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

It's all very sad, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's all very sad and disturbing. And the conductor of the super Sad band is JoJo Jackson. I mean, that guy is the scariest on the planet. And I love to get to the bottom of all his. That guy just seems like a monster to me.

[Gary]

Not watched the VH1 Jackson family movie. It's on in the gym every time I go. I'm seeing it 150 times.

[Giovanni]

It was like a five part miniseries. I've actually seen that. It's crazy.

[Gary]

Awesome. Samuel Jackson plays Joe Jackson. What's her name plays Mama Jackson. The good actress came around.

[Giovanni]

Billy Dee Williams is Barry Gordy.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Gary]

Fantastic. He was just poor and thought, I'm gonna take these kids all the way to the top.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I can dig it. But then he turned out to be the world's worst human being.

[Gary]

Oh, awful. But I think once he had the money and the control and the power, and then the kids were like, started to be teenagers, going, daddy, we don't want to do this tonight. My ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, My ass.

[Gary]

You're gonna. You know, he just wanted to be that guy, right? He's no different than a stage parent. Probably from the 20s and the 30s and the. You know, when kids were just like. You treated them kind of like dogs that you kind of like, but you just kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

I should take a minute and say this to my dad, who's not listening to this podcast. Dad, thank you for having little to no interest in your family. Oh, yeah, I feel like we doubt.

[Gary]

Thank you, dad, for not having a.

[Adam Carolla]

Drink, for not caring. Thank you so much for not giving a fuck what your kids did. The only thing he cared about is, when are these fucking kids gonna move out of the house?

[Gary]

You know, somebody interviewed. It was Janet Jackson on one of the radio stations, and he was the real dude. I was so excited to have Janet Jackson on. We talked a little bit about your childhood. Now, Janet, growing up in Jackson, that had to be fantastic. And that had to be kind of crazy. Is anything of your childhood that you wish you had that you never could have? She goes, yes, popsicles. I thought, well, they're at the store. They're a dollar. If that was the one thing you couldn't have. It was gettable. It was so easily gettable. She was serious. She's like, I saw all the other children. Is it ultimately never forgotten that answer. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The big picture is ultimately, ultimately better to be one of the other Jacksons and not the one who possessed all the talent who got the laser beam, right.

[Brian Bishop]

Better to be rebid. Who the is that?

[Gary]

Rebi is normal too, but there's one who's like a mechanic in San Diego and that's kind of really. Yeah, but if we googled it, it comes up, it might be Tito. I'm looking at the magic either way.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, bullet, bullet dodged. Go to my PC. Life's unpredictable. See what happened to Jacko. That could be you. You never know.

[Giovanni]

If only he could have gone to his PC.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he just had access to his work computer. Would have been awesome. Go to my seat. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. Stay productive despite the unexpected. Connect to your office, Mac or PC from any computer or an iPad. That's right. That's right. You could do it from bed. Yeah, like Jack.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Jacko and Yoko could both work from their bed pretty well. Work on any file, use any program, or access your internal network and you just do it from wherever you are and you can get to your ac. We always talk about going to your work PC or your work computer, but being at work and being able to access your home computer on occasion, I feel like that would come in pretty handy too. Either way, it'll work. On GoToMyPC. Try it for free. That's right, 45 days free. Visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Try it Free button and use the promo code. Adam all right, one last quick story, Allison Rose, and we'll bring it on home.

[Brian Bishop]

Hank Williams Jr. Apologized Tuesday for comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler, a remark that prompted controversy and resulted in Monday Night Football. Pulling his popular musical introduction from this week's game, the country singer said in a statement, I have always been very passionate about politics and sports and this time it got the best or worst of me. The thought of the leadership of both parties juking and high fiving on a golf course while so many families are struggling to get by simply made me boil over and make a dumb statement and I am very sorry if it offended anyone. I would like to thank all my supporters. This was not written by some publicist. Williams made the comparison on Fox News this week when he was asked about Obama and House Speaker John Boehner, Republican playing on the same team in a June golf game. Earlier Tuesday, the Anti Defamation League condemned condemned Williams comments and praised ESPN for pulling his Are you ready for some football musical recording that opens Monday Night Football. Abraham Foxman, ADL national director and a Holocaust survivor, said the Holocaust was a singular event in human history and it is an insult to the memory of the millions who died as a result of Hitler's plan of mass extermination. To compare the Nazi dictator to any American president.

[Adam Carolla]

What he say, do you know what he said?

[Brian Bishop]

Said, okay, so he was talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the new foosball league is kicking off, so he's got a new gig. Oh, you ready for some foosball? Drunken frat boys, flapping paddles. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

No problem. He was on Fox and Friends and he was talking about the golf game. And he said that it's one of the biggest political mistakes ever. Asked what he didn't like about it, Williams said, come on, come on. That'd be like Adolf Hitler playing golf with net and yahoo.

[Gary]

And then he said there, that. That's like the Three Stooges. It's like, yeah, but Hank, that's only two.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. That's the point. Well, someone's got a caddy figure. Shemp caddies, maybe. Well, not Curly or Mo, I can tell you that right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we learned the hard way.

[Adam Carolla]

Why.

[Gary]

Why is he even a guest on Fox News?

[Brian Bishop]

Conservative.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but.

[Gary]

I know, but so is, you know, my. So is my Uncle Jim, but he shouldn't be on a television program. Yeah, I just.

[Brian Bishop]

Fox might be calling him right now.

[Gary]

I don't even think. Honestly, I don't even think they should have pulled his Marinette football thing. I would expect him to say that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be disappointed if he didn't say that, wouldn't it?

[Gary]

Right, that's him on Go Eat Luck.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell all the ass white pussies on the left to shut the fuck up because you assholes do everything. Compare everyone to Hitler. Like every time Hormel kills a cow or something, you compare them to Hitler. Or every time you just stick hired somebody. I did. Every time somebody on the right has some sort of policy about checking IDs for illegal aliens or voting, it's always. You go, right for the fucking Hitler. You always play the fucking Hitler card.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like everyone plays the Hitler card and the Hitler card should belong to everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. But I think the left plays the Hitler card way more because the right has policies that are more Hitler esque. Like, they're like, well, what I mean is. No, that involve, like, we want to see ID before you can vote. And they go, oh, so you got Hitler over there running the state of Running state of Arizona or whatever it is. So that fucking Hitler car gets tried out all the time and I think it's lost meaning. Yes, it has. And. But who gives a fuck? By.

[Gary]

This is why I would ask Hank Williams Jr. On, though, because I want to hear sort of incoherent crazy ramblings of a guy who, by the way, has a camouflage Alabama hat on. I think that should be your first clue.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird stuff is, you know what I would like to do? You know what I want, Gary, you know what your next mission is? Now that you put all the S's together, let's hear the S's one more time, by the way. Oh, Dawson did that. Let's hear the S's again, if we could. Next assignment is to take all the uncomfortable laughter from the host of the morning shows where the person makes the racist remarks. And they have to. In the moment, they don't know this is going to be. See, they never know. Like, they never go, hey, I disagree with that because they always. They're in the moment. And in the moment you go, oh, okay, well, let's. You know what? Let's check weather and traffic now with Artie Pineapple. The sky, they have to do that.

[Giovanni]

So you want an uncomfortable transition montage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, that'd be awesome. I want a. I want a long. I mean, you can take Al Campanis talking about, you know, those people just don't have the ability to manage a baseball team. And you can have Jimmy the Greek or whatever it is. I mean, it goes on. I mean, there's. I hate gay people. There's gotta be, you know, at least 50 of these good old fashioned, sort of semi racist, sexist, whatever, gay bashing, whatever faux pas that have been done on radio shows, morning shows, Fox and Friends, whatever. Just a long montage of. All right, it's 22 after the hour. That's, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

But anyway, the Fox News interviewee did say to him, so, you know, you just invoked one of the names of the most hated people in all the world to describe Obama. And then Williams said, that is true, but I'm telling you like it is. You know, that just wasn't a good thing. It just didn't fly. So anyway, like Fred Thompson said, you don't want to ask me a question because I'm going to give you too straight of an answer. So talk about something else.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a dude from Law and Order. All right, do we have our S? Yeah, this is some of my best work ever. Let's hear it.

[Lynette Carolla]

Ms. Bella, do you recognize the defendant.

[Adam Carolla]

Seated here in the courtroom wearing the purple tie? Yes. One of those was doubled up, Dawson. Sorry, I have to deduct points now. The fifth one, they were all completely matched. The ninth one. I'm sorry. I am sorry. I have a very keen ear. All right, bring it home. Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunts.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Kathleen Madigan. By the way, comedy DVD is called Gone Mad Again.

[Giovanni]

That was Adam Corolla show 671. In light of Allison's recent blog post about going to dinner with L. Corolla and that making the rounds on the Internet, I thought it be fun to share this early interaction. Coming up next, we have Adam Corolla Show 692 featuring Larry Miller, Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop, also from 2011. Are they gonna play the hypothetical road trip game? Listen and find out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

What's black but Nick's about?

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Larry Miller.

[Larry Miller]

Hi, pal.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. And Allison Rosen, always looking beautiful, as per usual. First off, a nice little success story. Our own Michael Narin. You guys know Michael. He does all the animated stuff. He stuck started off doing animated stuff for Loveline some years ago. Got him a gig working on a family guy doing storyboarding. So he's moving out to Hollywood.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember when he was here and you said you were gonna hook him up with a meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

What happened?

[Adam Carolla]

He called me two days later and said, what? What's up? And I said, huh? He said, remember you gonna hook me up that meeting? And I went, oh, yeah. And. And a little backstory before we get to the victory. And everyone should listen to this goddamn story because this is the only thing you need to know and the only thing you need to instill into your children. He started doing things for free. He did it early and often. He never asked for anything. He was just always around. And he just started doing these Loveline cartoons. And they were very funny. And I started playing them and started pushing them out there. And then he started working on things when we. My book and I did a little ad, a little viral thing for it. He did that and he made a few grand doing that. Now we're working on Rich Man, Poor man, the book. And he's made a pretty good chunk of change doing that. I just took whatever advance they gave me and it was a little one because we're just working on this sort of ebook. But I gave Narin, I gave him the Whole advance. A, because it wasn't that much and B, because it's a fair amount to him and C, the guy's been busting his ass for years now, but, but he's been working for free and he hasn't been asking for anything. And that's the whole thing everyone asks, they want to know, when am I going to get paid? When am I going to get paid? The answer is usually never. When you start off with, what am I going to get paid? He just worked for free and worked for free and we'd throw him little bits and pieces and bones and he'd come out to the shows when we played at Caroline's in New York because he lives in New York and we would always show one of his shorts and we'd show gay eye and I'd make sure and tell him to stand up and take a bow. And I could tell he got a thrill out of that. And he was out here and he said, do you think you could set me up with your friend Seth MacFarlane and family guy over there or Cleveland or whatever because he wants to work as a storyboard artist. And I'd sort of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because listen, I, you know, there's a thing where you meet people or you know, people and you have like, I have Mensch and Leech. Those are my two modes in my brain. Like when I have the person calling, hey man, do you think I could borrow? It's the leech. And then there's, oh, this is a solid guy and I want to do him a solid. So he was in town and he was out here for I don't know what, but he always comes by and says hi and he was going to leave like on a Wednesday and he called me like on a Tuesday and he said, like, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Have you got that meeting going yet? And I said, oh, shit. And I did what you guys should do, which, which is don't try to go to the main man because the main man is busy and the main man doesn't give a shit and the main man doesn't care who the storyboard guys are on one of his many multimillion dollar project.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your way of getting us not to go to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Point taker.

[Adam Carolla]

Bingo. Was her name O? So I just called up Seth's assistant and I said, Henry, I think his name is. I said, I don't want to talk to Seth. Give me. Unless he's talking about me now. Is he? Huh? How do you know Go check. I said, you have an illustration department or something like that? And they said, yeah. And I said, what's that person's name? And it was a woman's name. And I said, give me that. Give me her. He patched me over to her and she picked up the phone and I said, hey, it's Adam Carolla. And she said, oh, hey, what? What do you want? And I said, I have a friend of mine, he's very competent, does a lot of great work. And go to michaelnarin.com you can take a look at what the guy does. He's in town. He's only in town for, you know, a few more hours. And I would consider it a great favor if you just meet with him. There's no pressure. Just take a look at what he does. I'm not an illustrator, so I can't. You know, I like what he does, but I don't know if it's going to fit with you. But if you could just give him a meeting, it would make his day. He went there, sat down with them for about an hour, literally, like, on his way to lax, flew out and then just got an email from him a couple days ago saying, hired on working as a storyboarder, dream come true. Moving out to la, blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, that's pretty neat.

[Larry Miller]

By the way. There's two parts to that. One is not only the work for free thing, which we've all done.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone who's successful does it. Except for the bushes.

[Giovanni]

Some are still doing it.

[Larry Miller]

That's right, by the way. Me, everyone still does it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

And the point is, though, that the second part to that, the way you said that to her, you're not trying to put anything over on her because you're trying to say. Which we all want to do. Look, I'm just saying, would you meet the guy? I don't know if he's right for you. It'd be a favor to me. You'd make his day. Suddenly you, in Lincoln's old phrase, you make people come from their best angels. Suddenly she wants to say, great, and then she's open to it. Instead of you saying. Or someone saying, I've got a favor to do for you and you don't even know what it is. Salesman.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Larry Miller]

Or just, you know, that, you know, some kind of idiotic thing that. Guess who's going to be happy after this phone call?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's your lucky day.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be thanking me. Yeah. So that was nice of her. And, you know he has to be good. I didn't get him the job. He couldn't go in there and just draw horrible stick figures and get the gig. He had to be good at what he does. I think he's good at what he does. And I couldn't have been happier. And then he sent me a long email with the thank you, thank you, thank you. And I was like, I made one phone call. I really didn't do anything. It was all your hard work and your perseverance and all the funny stuff that you've provided free of charge. And, I mean, the guy's been out front of his own Hickory Farms giving away samples for 10 years now, and he just sold the. He just sold the sausage. I missed the Hickory Farms sausage lollipop.

[Larry Miller]

Next step, Jimmy Deem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I miss. I miss the mall. I miss.

[Brian Bishop]

Especially this time of year. It's real Hickory Farm.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss. By the way, maybe this is just because I had a pathetic childhood, but going to the pet store at the mall, not returning with a pet, just going to said pet store.

[Giovanni]

No, that's not because he had a pathetic childhood. I love doing that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Every kid loves that.

[Giovanni]

Kids of all ages.

[Adam Carolla]

Even if there was zero chance that you would ever go home with any of those pets. Yeah, just look at the body.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you could play rat or hamster, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah, we had miss those. What one did you have miss that? I can't even remember. I would never even look up. I just. It was that smell of wood chips and urine that drew me in, like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I just go floating in with the wood chip and urine smell and, you know, too young to know it was a lesbian behind the counter. A lot of. And just. Just looking through the glass at a snake. I don't think our kids are going to go for that shit. I think it's going to be exciting to them. Not with this ultra net they're looking at on their YouTube and all that whatnot. Secondly, so good for Michael Nair and everybody. Also, as I was looking at my windshield today with that little valet stub on it, I always complain about the little purple one or the pink one that you do, and then when it rains and then it smears. And then how many people have died doing that thing where they turn the windshield wiper on and try to reach around and time it and grab it and just drive into an oak tree or an oncoming semi truck?

[Giovanni]

Far too many.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I would say one's too many. I like, couldn't people do that?

[Larry Miller]

I want to know who the one is first.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm just saying, he had a.

[Brian Bishop]

Bright future, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was screaming at poor assistant Jay as we were driving around. I was saying, first off, as a valet, how much do you have on your punch list? You know what I mean? Take keys, get in car, park car, take tip, hand over keys. Yeah, I mean, couldn't there be a little bill of rights for folks who own cars for valets? Meaning seat must go back to where it was. And that thing that you put on our windshield, you take it off, you put it on there. I have no more need for this. How many of those things ever get thrown in the garbage, by the way? They're all over the road. They're all over every bit. 99.99% of them end up on the street because you don't notice them until you're going 45 miles an hour, and then they're flapping and then it starts raining. It's not like, oh, I'm gonna take that home and recycle it. It goes on the fucking highway. There should be a fucking rule that says, here's the deal. You put it on, you take it off. And if any street sweeper or anybody's walking around and finds one of those on the ground, it's got your valet. Whatever. They just go you 500 bucks.

[Brian Bishop]

They you with F.M. bradley, pull.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Nice callback.

[Giovanni]

Quick, send that to the. The flyers going to your.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, well, menus and flyers, but at least they have. They can't take it off. I mean, they shouldn't put it on. Well, you shouldn't be allowed to handle someone else's windshield. Yes, and their wipers.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That lay upon them so majestically, so peaceful. No, I'm just saying. Dick. You put it on the car an hour ago. Now I'm leaving, and when you hand me the keys and I hand you the five, you pop it off.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Like when you get your clothes back from the dry cleaner, they'd remove the thing that's pinned on there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never. There's never been a greater example of. Now that this transaction is over and I have your money, I don't give a shit about you anyway, because there's no possible need. You would have zero. There's zero possible use for that little tab on your windshield once you. Driveway. Now, if you don't produce the ticket when you get your car, they'll torch it right in front of you. But they always leave that little tab on there. Collect it and move the seat back.

[Larry Miller]

Hold on. Do you tip? Because 100%. At least in my experience, 100% of the time, as you give the tip, if it's a nice tip, the guy reaches right over and takes it out of my windshield wiper.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Larry Miller]

But like, every time. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What the. Where are you traveling but part of Denmark?

[Larry Miller]

You driving in, buddy out 50s.

[Adam Carolla]

I tip. Yeah, you have to tip. I mean, you always. You always tip, but I've never had the guy reach around and pull the thing off.

[Brian Bishop]

What do you tip, though?

[Adam Carolla]

It's Mary tips.

[Brian Bishop]

50. I give like two.

[Larry Miller]

No, no, I'm teasing about 50. But if you give two or three bucks, depending on the place, or sometimes if it's a fancy party and it was a private thing, you give like a five.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always. It's always. Always depends on what's in my wallet. If it's. If it's one other those five bucks and I have ten bucks, I just give him the ten bucks. But if it's 250 and I have five bucks, then I'll give him the five bucks. It floats around.

[Larry Miller]

I did something, frankly, that annoyed me last night because I was at a party for something and I just stayed briefly. It was a friend and it was a private thing. And I said to the guys, parking, can you give me a change? Because I had a 10 on me. I said, how much change you want? I said, give me a five and five singles. And I suddenly thought, I'll give him three bucks. But then I thought as I drove away, shouldn't it. It was a fancy party. Shouldn't I have given him just a five? And shouldn't I have just said, give me two fives?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Unclear. And much like room service, when you get the town car that drives you to the airport and you know, when you're doing a show and they're sending a car and they're providing, the tip is already included, but you still have to give the guy something when you get out. Out of the car. It's like room service. I know, the tips included, but wait a minute. Why is tip included? And again, is that a tariff? An included tip is a tariff.

[Brian Bishop]

It's gouging.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not a tip. It's not a gratuity. It's just. It's just on top of the price. Well, if somebody says, look, a ride to the airport is $200, but we include a $30 tip, well, then it's not $200, it's $230. If you're including a tip, or speaking of tip, bringing the tri tip sandwich to the room, if you include your 18% gratuity, then it's not a gratuity, it's just a fucking tax based on.

[Giovanni]

What you just said. I just had a car service to the airport a month ago, both ways and did not tip once because I went with no bags. Like, I didn't lift anything. He didn't do anything.

[Brian Bishop]

What do you call your butt?

[Giovanni]

That's a good point. He did help me to the seat. No, I just walked into the car, walked out.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you pay for it?

[Giovanni]

No, company paid for it.

[Adam Carolla]

What company? Genentech.

[Giovanni]

I want to talk to some of their employees.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, I see.

[Giovanni]

They provided a car and yeah, it's, it's.

[Brian Bishop]

I probably have like a corporate account.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you too, there's an element of. They know you are just, you know, you're just some faceless guy with a tumor. You just look like a guy with a tumor. Yeah, hairless, faceless tumor guy. For me, it's a hey man show. And so there's an element of hey, it's.

[Giovanni]

And I'm a tipper too, but it's for something like I just walked into the car and walked out. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Some of it is based on the anonymous whatever of it. Hey, it's the dean from the Nutty Professor. Saw that the other day. Great work.

[Larry Miller]

Thanks, man. By the way, you know, people are rednecks. You know what? Last Saturday night I was in Orlando doing a show. And by the way, this follows my new idea of plugging shows in reverse.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Wait till you've done that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Then hit him. That's.

[Larry Miller]

That's forward thinking, Adam. But the point is, the woman picked me up at the airport and she was very nice. And I only had. The only thing I brought was $100 bill. And it was by accident. And I had had it in my wallet, but I'd given everything else away. And I said as we got there, I said, hold on a second. Oh, is there a cash machine down here? No. Well, I said, let me go into the hotel because she was very nice and I didn't want to tip her. And she said she was so nice. She said, no, that's all right. The venue was paying for the car and the tip is already included. And I thought for a second, first of all, the first thing I think is great, right? You know, but then I thought, has this been happening every time yes, that I give.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always 10 bucks. All right, let's just. Let's just sign off on at least this one notion. Whether it's room service or whether it's the ride to the airport in the town car. If the gratuity slash tip is included, it's a tax. Or by the way, why separate it even? I mean, look, if the roofer says, well, to be 30 grand to re. Roof your house, and by the way, 10 grand on that is a tip. Who cares? It's fucking. I would do that, actually. It'd be kind of fun. But it's included. But who cares? What the. Maybe when you buy a new RV for 50 grand, 40 grand of it's a tip. I don't know. I mean, it's just included in the price. If it's just included in the sandwich or the ride to the airport, who gives a fuck? It's the price of what it is. I don't get why there's even a distinction. I mean, there shouldn't be. It really should be illegal to say tip included. I know they're breaking off a piece of that money and giving it to the driver, but it's still their business, and that's still. They still fold that into the pay. The thing that always drives me nuts is when they claim that this is how they make the money. That fucking massage thing where it's 125, 130 bucks for 50, 50 minutes. But then you have to tip on top of that. First off, these guys are getting paid like attorneys, and they have junior college education hairstylists. Yeah. What the fuck?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. Yeah. And therapists don't make you tip.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

I bet if we say that enough, they will. Okay, now I have a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry to go back to the parking thing. Now, what if you're parking in a building like E or something where you don't have the option of parking yourself? Like, you just pull up, you know. It's an underground parking structure. Depending on how long you're going to be there, they will park your car for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you tip them? Because they're not really valet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If they go and get your car and give it to you, if they throw you the keys, you'll escape the tip if they go and get it for you. By the way, I always underestimate the. You know, when they do that, they go, how long are you gonna be here?

[Brian Bishop]

So I can park it myself?

[Adam Carolla]

18, 20 seconds. I'm running up. I'm just gonna run up as fast I Can slap the elevator and run back down as fast as I can to get my car. I'm not here to do anything that's asking. I won't talk to anybody. I'll just run up and they'll run back down again. I'm not. I have no business here if that's what you're asking. I'm going to sprint up there like I always do.

[Brian Bishop]

I just came here for the double parking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I know. I just, I don't want to get caught in behind that Celica. That's, that's the whole thing and I don't know why. They have the keys to everything they can, they can go get it, but. Yeah, I always do that. Not. Not going to. Not doing anything here. All right, you got the news. We're going to do some, let's see, hypothetical road trip. Larry Miller is here. I tell you guys about one of our fine, fine sponsors. Stamps.com. that's right. You got better things to do than go to the post office. Why don't you try our good friends over stamps dot com. They print official US postage using your own computer in printer. Unbelievable. What a day we're living in. Don't go wait in line. You know the most depressing thing is that stamp machine.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do that thing where you feed the quarters in and you a punch.

[Brian Bishop]

That's something doesn't even come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not even any candy.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I used to love even as an adult that when you pull the stamps off they're perforated. I used to think it can't work again. It just can't. Yeah, but it always did.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad. Weird punch thing.

[Larry Miller]

Oh look mother, it's another stamp machine.

[Adam Carolla]

How fun. They got a special offer, they got a no risk trial. They got a hundred dollar bonus offer includes digital skills scale. By the way, I like that you put your parcel on there. Tells you. It doesn't tell you 2 ounces because 2 ounces doesn't mean much to anything unless you're dealing smack. But if you're delivering parcels, it tells you the price. This is what the postage is and then that's what. Cause I always, I do that thing where I send things and I got sort of like some in between stuff where it's like a little more than a postcard. So I do the double stamp it and play it safe.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's 28 cents out the window.

[Brian Bishop]

You never, you're never gonna see that.

[Adam Carolla]

Never gonna see that 28 cents again. Also you can get an extra 10 bucks of free postage only if you enter the promo code, Adam, you gotta tell them my name. Go to stamps.com. click on the microphone, the top right of the homepage, and type in Adam, stamps.com. home business. Do it from home. Forget about home business. Just don't go to the post office anymore. All right? Allison Rosen. Got some news, baby girl.

[Brian Bishop]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Larry Miller]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison, al.

[Brian Bishop]

Judge found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of embarrassing voluntary manslaughter today.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Do we have that clip?

[Brian Bishop]

We do.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it.

[Brian Bishop]

Murray appeared to show no emotion as the verdict was read by court clerk Sammy Benson. But someone in the gallery let out a loud but short scream. Sentencing was set for November 29, with Murray facing up to four years in prison. Los Angeles.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You know, I don't like to get in a race here, but someone's got to talk to these Asians about their own, you know what I mean? And we're all thinking the same thing. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, ever gone to an Asian movie theater?

[Adam Carolla]

Asian broad out there. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

The reason he didn't show any emotion was because he had just given himself a shot of Propofol. So it's very hard. That's as much emotion as you can show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

That's the stuff, by the way, you get for everything, you know, when they give you that. I have for every. I've had a couple of colonoscopies where they check, and I always plan each time I really look forward to. Because I keep thinking I want to notice it coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

But you can't. I mean, if, like, whether it's for.

[Adam Carolla]

The execution thing they give when it kicks in.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kicks in. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

It's like this, you know, you do the. Okay, 199 on the E of 90.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

100. Not. You're gone. And then suddenly you're waking up and they're handing you orange juice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And so I don't know how. You know, how.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, you know, Jackson died doing what he loved, which is trying to sleep, if you think about it. Look, let's face it. We're all going to go. We're going to be some long illness that ravages our body, or we're going to get hit by commuter train and eviscerated or attacked by coyotes or something. None of us are Going to go as good as he did. I mean that. Hey, man, I'm just going to bed. I'm not waking up. And I was rehearsing the day before. I mean, it wasn't a sort of thing. We're going to have a sort of thing where the doctor says. Puts his hand on his shoulder and says, your wife here, we need to talk. And then there's going to be a lot of get your affairs in order and talk to your kids and get them around you. And then there's going to be a lot of police for morphine in the final days and all that kind of stuff. He just went to bed.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I mean, if you have to be. If you have to be murdered, there are worse ways.

[Adam Carolla]

He probably doesn't know he's dead.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably not now. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, depending on your beliefs.

[Larry Miller]

The way I'd like to go is I'd like to have the doctor say that this is going to be horrible and get your affairs and I'd like to make a really brave stance then with family, with kids, with friends, and write terrific things. But then suddenly, by surprise, it doesn't linger and you just go. Because the wrecking ball cleans you out as you walk into the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A safe lance on you when you walk back to your car. Because there used to be a lot of jobs that involve moving safes and pianos up to the 9th floor people. Apartment. Yeah. People would get penthouse apartments and announce, well, the only thing it's missing is a grand piano and a safe. Yeah, yeah, it'd be nice. I wonder if there's ever been a thing where a guy said, look, you're gonna need to get your affairs. How do you know about those chicks I've been fucking? I don't know if there's ever. That'd be a fun answer. And then. And then you do that fake laugh. We go, oh, no, I knew what you're talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

So let's see the clip. All right, this is them reading the verdict.

[Adam Carolla]

Superior Court of California, Los Angeles county, the people of the state of California.

[Larry Miller]

Plaintiff versus Conrad Robert Murray.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like Peanut.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Larry Miller]

Case number SA073164, title of court and cause.

[Adam Carolla]

We the jury, in the above entitled action, find the defendant Conrad Robert Murray.

[Larry Miller]

Guilty of the crime of involuntary man in violation of penal code section 192, subsection B. Alleged victim Michael Joseph Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Alleged date of June. Middle name's always fun.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

As charged in count, by the way. Yeah, like we just left my. If you just made Michael Jackson. And people go, who? Four person juror ID number one. I believe I know that name. Seat number three, Michael Joseph King of Pops. Personal verdict. So say you won. So say you.

[Larry Miller]

All jurors indicating the affirmative. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to ask you whether this is your individual and personal verdict. I'm going to be asking you individually if this is correct, if it is your individual.

[Adam Carolla]

So the judge is getting ready to poll the jurors, but there we have heard it. Polling jurors definitely sounds voluntary. We're told that was latoya Jackson that we heard.

[Brian Bishop]

She was the Shrieker. By the way, the reason she screamed.

[Larry Miller]

She screamed because she just finally got a look at that thing she did in Playboy 20 years ago, and she realized it's horrifying.

[Brian Bishop]

She thanked all those involved in the trial and said the decision was a victory. A statement released by Jackson's estate Monday said that justice has been served. What's so funny?

[Giovanni]

I was hoping they would pull the jurors because I had some drafts ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if. I don't know if this clip includes that part.

[Adam Carolla]

Y.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, I wonder what.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

What would Isaac Hayes think about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd be curious if he was a juror. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

I wonder.

[Adam Carolla]

Juror number one. It's a good thing. All right. Jury number two. It's good. Juror number three.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like we should get Adam's mom in there, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Juror number four. That's good. Juror number five, is this your verdict? Yeah. Juror number six, how say you? Yeah. Juror number seven. How say you? Yeah. Juror Number eight. That's right. Juror number eight through 12. How should I know? Yeah. Awesome time.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's what I was thinking about today, and I didn't hear Nancy Grace, I've.

[Adam Carolla]

Been talking about for years.

[Larry Miller]

It's just been. I don't even know why. It just slays me.

[Adam Carolla]

It always makes me laugh, too. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Anyway, go ahead. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, two things. I'm gonna do number two first, which is have you guys ever done jury duty? Think about that while I make this next point. I didn't hear anyone else bringing this up today, although I feel like they will. But this is what I was thinking about. I was thinking, OJ Got off. Casey Anthony got off. But this guy who doesn't even commit a violent murder does not get off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You can't do that.

[Brian Bishop]

And it's not like he's really gonna go out and do this again.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an element of, he's a doctor. He should have known better. There's always that element where they factor a few things in. And there's two bad factors. His name starts with a doctor, and this guy who's dead ends with the king O Pop, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

If it had been any. Anyone else, I don't been us.

[Adam Carolla]

And so there's a sort of. Well, he's a doctor, he's educated. He should have known. They trusted him and blah, blah, blah. I think his title of doctor and Jacko's title of king O Pop. Now, if they just called him pedophile, it would have been fine. It would have been easy. But it was like this great talk, you know, it's great. It must be great being a chick, because I had this talk with my wife last night.

[Brian Bishop]

Not that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Not bad, huh? We're all having a big dance party in my kitchen, and we're listening to Michael Jackson, and we're having a. We're having a big old memorial big just dance party. The kids were breaking it down. I finally got my son trained for the, you know, give me. You know, give me 10, there's your change, you know, give me five, there's your change, you know, move. And we're all just having a big kitchen dance party. I got speakers going in the kitchen and. And shake your body down to the ground, I think is the song, although I don't know if that's the. Is that the song? You know, the song from Thriller? It cannot be sunk. Even Michael can't sing it. He's just. Woo, ow. And Sonny's on the floor doing his breakdancing move, you know, and everyone's getting down. And my wife. And the same conversation I had with her about the boss, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Nah, got to be certain something.

[Adam Carolla]

Now can we need the next one. What's on? Is it on Thriller? Is it off the wall? Maybe? It's off the wall. Off the wall. Let's see. Yeah. Probably his best dance song. Mm. So. So we're all getting down. We're just getting down. Heavily. Heavily. I mean, I'm getting into it. And shake your body. Yeah. Down to the ground. Right. So, you know, my wife's like, you know, it's sad. Michael's dead and the kids will never know, and he's not around anymore, and, you know, it's sad. And I said, yeah, well, you know, he may have molested a few kids, you know, and she said, not his own kids. I said, all right. And then I remember a few years earlier when I was like, I think your man Bruce Springsteen likes. Likes a little. Like a little strange pussy when he's on the road. She's like, that guy rocks. You know, he's a lot. He's a little break. And I thought we do. We do cut the artists we like pretty. Some nice slack when it comes to. You know what I mean? I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

And you think that's just being a chick.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think guys are wired that way. Way. But again, we don't judge. The point is, is there's this element of, look, this guy may have felt up a kid or two, right? But we're all rocking and grooving to a song. Like, I mean, he's done more good.

[Brian Bishop]

Than harm, but it's like the inverse of Hitler. Hitler had some good qualities. Does he ever get credit?

[Adam Carolla]

He may have.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a great dog owner. He may have up a few K kids, but he's. He rocked the world, you know, I mean, we all collectively got more pleasure than he dealt, than the pain he dealt out. You know what I'm saying?

[Larry Miller]

I could never know this, but my instinct about him has always been he never actually did anything to those kids. He was just so torn and empty inside. Because the guy who should have gotten a shot of propo was the guy who was older than him in that family and stole his childhood.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I never gave.

[Larry Miller]

Gave him anything. And that's why he had a sleeping disorder and just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

So many things wrong with him. I don't think he ever actually did anything to those kids.

[Brian Bishop]

I always thought he did.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You see, here's. Though.

[Larry Miller]

It was crazy and he shouldn't have done it. And the parents were out of their minds for bringing the kids over, but I think it was just grabbing a childhood and then he would like to sleep together and not even. I don't even think there was any.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry. No. In the sense that we all know that pre pubescent play doctor, show me your ding a ling. It's a kind of a sex without sex and then later on.

[Brian Bishop]

So you're saying like no penetration or sodomy? No, like real.

[Larry Miller]

No, I don't think there was anything. I think this was.

[Brian Bishop]

That kid was able to name the like to describe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm somewhere junk between Larry and F.M. bradley on this one and that. Larry will explain that later. Porn. Sir. Great song though, right? Little. Little. Little underrated for Mike.

[Giovanni]

I hardly know this song.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great Song you don't know.

[Larry Miller]

Well, wait a minute. Is he related to Milton Bradley from Candyland fame?

[Adam Carolla]

Same. Same mother.

[Brian Bishop]

I wish.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know this one, huh?

[Giovanni]

No, that's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good dance song. It does. It gets. It gets overlooked a little. Yeah, there is. Oh, Sonny's on the floor right now spinning his thing around the Jackson 5 song.

[Giovanni]

Because I saw them all performing it just there in the video.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Off the Wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe the first album I ever had, and I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, then it was. It was my. It was probably then the end of the Jacksons, like one of their. Their last. No, I think that was like. That was later. I think this must have been the Jacksons. I guess it must have been off their last album or one of their. Before he went solo then. But anyway, I'm so. I'm sort of with Larry in that. I think. I think his approach to everything in life was that of an adolescent. So I don't think he had that. Check out the rack on that bitch. Oh, man, I'm gonna give her a good pound. Yeah. I mean, he didn't have that thing that Larry does when he sees Kim Kardashian.

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But so he had a. He had a weird. Yeah, let's see. Released in 78. So I guess off. Off the wall was 79. Yeah. And anyway, great song. Shake your body. I believe he had that kind of weird thing you have when you're nine, that sort of adolescent, experimental, not really dangerous, but yet doesn't look great on paper or in court.

[Larry Miller]

I think it was actually early. I have no way of knowing this. My guess has always been his heart was kind of torn out of him when he was six, when he was sitting in the hotel. Hotel room watching his brothers and all the groupies and just sitting there. No one ever came and got him. And no one ever said, hey, come here, you get your own room. And he has to sit. There's zero childhood, there's zero anything. And I think he stopped at five and a half, and that was that.

[Adam Carolla]

And Joe Jackson seems like one of the worst human beings on the planet, right?

[Larry Miller]

Well, he sure doesn't seem like anyone.

[Adam Carolla]

You'D want to say medieval or they sort of turn of the century carnival owner.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, the Borges, Evil. The Borges got together and said to him, you got to stop.

[Adam Carolla]

Knock it off.

[Larry Miller]

It's really too much.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Larry Miller]

And we poison everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad.

[Brian Bishop]

Herman Cain faced the new claim of sexually inappropriate Behavior Monday as a Chicago woman told reporters the former head of the National Restaurant association groped her after a dinner together in 1997.

[Adam Carolla]

How does the groping work? I want to get in on this. Reach over and grab a booby.

[Brian Bishop]

Like she's wearing a skirt. You reach under, and then you just sort of grasp at the genitals.

[Giovanni]

Reach under.

[Brian Bishop]

Under the skirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Grasp.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello. This is Groping 101.

[Larry Miller]

Wait a minute. But that's the thing. We don't know. Even you say that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we do know that she's not saying she is.

[Larry Miller]

That's what he did.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, she is.

[Adam Carolla]

At what point in the dinner, under the table is that she's saying under the dress?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Lynette Carolla]

Kane looked at me and said, why are you here?

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, you know what? Sorry. Stop. Let me explain. Little more. So her name is Sharon Beilk.

[Giovanni]

Look who's next to her.

[Brian Bishop]

Gloria Allred is her attorney. She's the fourth accuser, the first one to actually give a press conference about it. She worked at the National Restaurant association and then lost her job. And then her boyfriend suggested to her, why don't you talk to Herman Cain? Maybe he can help you get a job. So her boyfriend booked her a room at a hotel, and she talked to Herman Cain, and he said he agreed meet with her. They went to get dinner. And evidently her room, when she got there, it was like this palatial, you know, gigantic room. And she didn't understand how she got upgraded. And she thought that perhaps her boyfriend had done this, you know, to surprise her. But Herman Cain had upgraded the room. Then they went to dinner, and then, I think now is when that'll set.

[Adam Carolla]

It up for what happened.

[Lynette Carolla]

My friend whom you met suggested that I meet with you.

[Allison Rosen]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

Because he thought you could help me, because I really need a job.

[Lynette Carolla]

While we were driving back to the hotel, he said that he would show me where the National Restaurant association offices.

[Brian Bishop]

Were in his panel.

[Lynette Carolla]

He parked the car down the block. I thought that we were going to.

[Adam Carolla]

Go into the offices so that he.

[Lynette Carolla]

Could show me around.

[Adam Carolla]

At that time, I had on a.

[Lynette Carolla]

Black pleated skirt, a suit jacket and a blouse.

[Adam Carolla]

He had on a suit with his.

[Lynette Carolla]

Shirt, with his shirt open.

[Adam Carolla]

But instead of going into the offices.

[Lynette Carolla]

He suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crotch. I was very, very surprised and very shocked.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir Walter Raleigh, I said, what are you doing? You know, I have a boyfriend. This isn't what I came here for. Mr. Cain said, you want a job, right? I asked him to stop and he did.

[Lynette Carolla]

I asked him to take me back to my hotel, which he did right away.

[Brian Bishop]

So now what do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

He went out there and tried, that's all. Took her back. Did she get the gig? That's the real question.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Lesson learned. Next time you blow the gun. Listen, I want Herman Cain to get up there and go, look, I'm down with opposite other people's pussy. And you know what? So shoot me. I like a little fucking something on the side.

[Brian Bishop]

That'd be so great if he could just be that honest and let me. He said he just flatly denied it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me rattle off a short list of other guys who were down with opp as well. Great Dr. Martin Luther King like this. Cut him off a little slice every once in a while. Of course, you got the entire Kennedys, all of them. Even the women, everybody and Clinton. All the fucking people you love so much. And you hold up, and you hold up as exact moral opposite of me. Those guys all like to cut off a slice of strange pussy themselves. So judge away by the way, my wife and I, we gotta deal.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a strange pussy coming in a loaf that they're cutting off a slice.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more of a baguette. I like pussy, so shoot me.

[Larry Miller]

So if that's not a title, by the way, I don't know what it is. You said he denied it.

[Brian Bishop]

Then he denied it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. And I.

[Brian Bishop]

He's gonna keep denying it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give a shit who this guy is. But it's sort of the same thing with Clinton. And it's this thing that we've. We've started and we started. We've created a society where somebody brings something up and it's in the middle of you trying to do something, get elected, do something, run for some office, do something. Somebody brings up something and they go, what about it? And you go, blah, I didn't do that. And then later on, it turns out you did do that. And then you get penalized for denying it. Not so much what you did, but more that you denied it. Everyone denies it. Everyone has to deny it. It's that thing where it's like if a cop pulled you over and said, you've been drinking tonight, and you go, no, sir. And then he pulled you out of the car and gave you a Breathalyzer and goes, I'm not bringing you in because you're drunk. I'm bringing you in because you denied it. Well, you have to deny it. Everyone denies it.

[Larry Miller]

Plus, that's a lie. He's going to bring in anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to get brought in anyway. But don't say it's because he denied it. Everyone denies it.

[Brian Bishop]

If you're smart, you wouldn't run for office when you have this many skeletons in the closet and they're not very far in your closet.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody I. Everyone denies it. Yeah, well, no, I don't know that everyone has skeletons. I know that. Yeah, but there's still a difference between trying and actually doing it. Like he drove her back to her fucking place.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it's one thing if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Just pushing that head downs a little much.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I mean, it's one thing if you just like to rip off a hunk of baguette pussy that's not his wife. You know, you can say, yeah, he's a womanizer, but we're talking about sexual harassment. We're talking about trading sex for jobs and pressuring women who were in positions under him. No pun. Which I think that's different.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree.

[Brian Bishop]

And also, I don't like how much this whole thing is. There's a whole wave of people who are saying that sexual harassment exist. And yes, I agree that it gets abused and the term gets thrown around and the lawyers have made it crazy, but it is a real thing that does exist sometimes, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. But these assholes that fucked it out fucked themselves. Just like calling everyone a racist and calling everyone a bigot and calling everyone homophobic and doing everything the boy who cried wolf, except for they didn't yell wolf, they yelled bigot and homophobe and sexual harassment. And now no one's really listening anymore because no one knows what it is.

[Larry Miller]

The first time I got a development deal and got an office in show, because the rest was stand up. But the first time I got an office, I called my wife and said, yeah. She said, how's the office? It's great. It was in Century City. It was. And I said, why don't you come down here and I'll chase you around the desk, Right? And I remember when I said that, though I thought about it later and thought, did people actually chase women or the secretaries around. Around the desk? There's an old image of that. And I don't even know what happens when you catch them, do you? It's in an office, but it's in the middle of something, so you're chasing them oh, Mr. Ferguson.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Larry Miller]

And then you. You know. But to me, it was a joke. But if it's. I. I just don't get what happens when you catch. Then you. It's all, give Daddy a kiss. I don't. I don't quite.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. I was thinking that there's an office where there's a secretary chasing Mr. Ferguson.

[Adam Carolla]

But the fat secretary will chase Mr. Ferguson. You see, it was simpler times. The old Pirates of the Caribbean, I think, had the young wenches being chased around, but then there was the fat chick who was chasing.

[Brian Bishop]

But then they chased it so that I think the young wenches are now carrying, like, apples or something that the guys want.

[Adam Carolla]

They fixed it for future generations, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

That's a sad. Speaking of overreacting, that was a great joke in the old Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and it's a shame. I remember the time. I remember when that was taken down, because there was an article in the paper. You want to say, look, in the world we live in, I know what's right and wrong, and so do you. But when it's a great joke like that, you want to say, well, that's a pretty good joke. And everyone knew that joke. It's a shame we can't keep it.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, how do you keep all those pounds on when you're constantly chasing dudes, like, physically sprinting after guys. Penises bad.

[Larry Miller]

Well, it's a small world.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah. So what's Gloria Allred doing again? And how does she make her money?

[Giovanni]

She's horrible. Look at her up there, like a puppeteer.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Giovanni]

Just pulling the strings.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a great argument. I think I had a great argument with her on the air once.

[Brian Bishop]

How'd it go?

[Giovanni]

It was half an argument. You disagreed with her, and she bailed out. She pulled the ripcord.

[Adam Carolla]

She'd explained. I came up with a line that I kind of enjoyed. I asked her a hypothetical question or something, and she said, I don't know. I. I don't have a crystal ball. And I said, I think you do know. And she said, I don't know and nobody knows. It was one of those, you know, here's. Oh, we're talking about Michael Richards. Yeah, there's a lawsuit against Michael Richards for dropping the. From the patron side and moms up there on stage. And I just said to her, she said, I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball. And I said, I got a crystal brain, baby, and it lets Me see the future and I understand what's going on. And then she got pissed off and hung up or something. Actually, the only person I think I'd ever argued with that may have been dumber than her is was the mayor of Calabasas. The mayor of Calabasas, which is a little city out here on your way to the beach.

[Brian Bishop]

It's where the Kardashians have their store.

[Adam Carolla]

It's where the Kardashian store is, huh? The mayor, who's semi retarded, was outlawing smoking just outdoors, like in parks and stuff like that. And I said, really? People can' Have a cigarette at a park or in a parking lot or something. And I think Dana Reeves, Christopher Reeves wife, had just died of lung cancer at age, I don't know, 39 or 41 or something. And he attributed that to secondhand smoke. And I said, Dana Reeves died of secondhand smoke? Yes. She wasn't a smoker. No, she was a cabaret singer. She worked lounges for a while. And by the way, she was married to Chris reeves for like 15 years, so I don't know how long she was a cabaret singer. But whatever smoke she had ingested in her very short stint as a cab racing is what led to the second hand smoke. And then he went on to explain how high the incidents were of. I think it was childhood bronchitis. Oh, not bronchitis, emphysema. No, no shit. Now what do kids do with the inhaler asthma? He said that childhood adolescent Asthma is up 500% or whatever bullshit he was throwing out there. And I said, all right, but I said smoking is down 200%, so what's the correlation? And he was like, what? And I said, well, if smoking is down and childhood as asthma is up, then maybe we should start smoking more to bring the asthma down. And he was like, what are you talking about? And I said, listen, you're throwing out numbers that don't make any sense. You tell me that asthma has gone up, but meanwhile smoking has gone down. So how is the smoking causing the asthma?

[Brian Bishop]

That was people who are smoking are doing it closer to children.

[Adam Carolla]

His assertion was the smoking is causing the asthma, but how's the asthma going up and the smoking going down? And he sort of had no answer. And then he's so fucking stupid. And by the way, this is one of those markers for dumb. Five minutes later in the argument, he brought up the childhood asthma epidemic once again. And I shot him the exact same answer. And he had no fucking answer for it. That guy's fucking retarded. I hope somebody voted his ass out of there. I don't know. Mike lynch could probably figure out whether that retards in there. So anyway, I'm not pro cigarettes. I'm just pro sanity. If a guy wants to go to a fucking park and have a cigarette, so fucking be it. Who gives a shit? We have much bigger fish to fucking fry than that. That's all.

[Larry Miller]

You know what, by the way, every time someone is cupping a cigarette outside a building or something and kind of turns away or meets your eye or something. I've said this many times before. You know what? I'm a big boy. You're a big boy. Take your break and relax, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We've all lost smoke away. There you go.

[Brian Bishop]

How you hit on them.

[Larry Miller]

Well, that's. Yeah, well, that's in a car and that's after I grope.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. All the great ones used to smoke and make unwanted advances on chicks. It was a simpler and better time. Thank you. The more you know.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, what's next?

[Adam Carolla]

What is next?

[Brian Bishop]

MGM has secured rights to Where's Waldo, the lanky striped shirt wearing character. His first movie ever. The Where's Waldo movie will be a live action family adventure. MGM's Jonathan Glickman said Monday, quote, we are thrilled to be bringing the search for Waldo to the big screen. Along with our partners at Classic Media, we look forward to making a worldwide adventure that will appeal to Where's Waldo fans of all ages. I did not know Where's Waldo fans were all ages.

[Adam Carolla]

No one fuck about Where's Waldo.

[Brian Bishop]

Waldo is the most searched for character in the world. Take that, Carmen Sandiego. Said Eric Ellen Bogan, co CEO of Classic Media, with thanks to MGM fans everywhere, will find Waldo in movie theaters with his motion picture debut.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the guy's name was Barry Groveman and he's no longer the mayor. Good. Go back to the private sector and up your own job, you retard.

[Brian Bishop]

Where's Waldo was first published in 1987. In the books, readers search for Waldo among various characters or situations. Clear word jumble, but instead of a word, it's Waldo.

[Adam Carolla]

He's clearly gay, right? Something's up.

[Brian Bishop]

Clearly. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

He was foreign.

[Adam Carolla]

That hat.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I didn't think he was gay or foreign. I thought he was straight and domestic. Nope.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Scandinavian.

[Larry Miller]

I'm with Brian on this.

[Giovanni]

Shoes.

[Larry Miller]

I'm with Brian on this. That guy screams Swiss.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Never interested in any of those cartoons. The ones I could never figure out were the serious cartoons, apartment 3G. And it, like, be right in the middle of one. They had serious. Remember the serious car there. Cereals. Keep going, keep talking.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm going to. I feel like I'm right on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Verge of you blathering. When you would go. You guys know what I'm talking about. When you go to the newspaper and you'd go to the cartoon page, there's serious cartoons like Mary Worth, that Grandpa Corolla. You guys don't know what the. I'm talking about Larry Ace that went on for 100 years, like Mary Worth and crap like that.

[Larry Miller]

That's the one I was thinking of. Mary Worthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they.

[Larry Miller]

Or Brenda Starr, reporter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they had. There's one called, like a permanent 3G or something.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a soap opera where there's nothing funny and nothing's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's Peanuts, but this is an.

[Larry Miller]

Awful thing to say. Peanuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Horrible. He's a hack.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought you were talking about some kind of puzzle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And. Yes. No, I know you mean. Yes. What the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? And I don't know, there was one called, I think, apartment 3G or something. I remember I'd read one newspaper a year, and it's because I was at the dentist's office or I was getting my tires rotated or something. I was like, trapped somewhere and I just pick it up. It's like, apartment 3G. Danny's not attracted to Cindy anymore. And there'd be like a bubble going, oh, I hope he proposes marriage this weekend. And then, you know, the next caption would be, now, finally, alone at the beach house. And then an next one would be a drive. And a convertible is just what the doctor ordered. And then that would be the end of it. I'd be like.

[Brian Bishop]

And one of them would be in silhouette.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be like, well, yeah. What the Is this?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What am I supposed to do with this?

[Brian Bishop]

When did you have to start reading it to know what they're talking about? You missed that one week.

[Adam Carolla]

How many. How many papers do I have to go back to figure out who all these people are and what's going on?

[Giovanni]

Yes, those in, like, hipster newspapers like LA Weekly. I never saw them.

[Brian Bishop]

No, regular newspapers.

[Larry Miller]

Regular for a long time.

[Brian Bishop]

Next to Peanuts.

[Larry Miller]

What was the one? And Peanuts is great.

[Brian Bishop]

And Ann Landers.

[Larry Miller]

What. What was the one that. Prince Charming or Prince.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Prince of Ed.

[Larry Miller]

No, Valiant. Prince Valiant. Yeah, my friend's father drew that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Prince Valiant.

[Larry Miller]

He wants a meeting, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that A clever one or an inscrutable one?

[Adam Carolla]

He wants to talk to Seth.

[Larry Miller]

He just asked me, you know, now he's 107, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Yeah. Now, Charles Schultz. Look, the music was the genius of that thing. No, the characters were cool, but the jokes were never any good.

[Brian Bishop]

Race for your life. Charlie Brown was pretty good. The one where they go camping.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Prince Valiant. Who is reading serious cartoons?

[Brian Bishop]

I. I don't know.

[Larry Miller]

I got into Brenda Starr, reporter.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm neither proud nor feeding off to it. You weren't actually reading?

[Larry Miller]

No, this was from. Seriously, from like second grade to eighth grade. I got so into it and then I just stopped.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Larry Miller]

And. But I was really. I really used to look forward to it and I don't know why, but I really got into it. She had red hair. I like red hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Did your dad get the newspaper every day?

[Larry Miller]

You mean from out front?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, was it the house. Did you live in that house that got the newspaper?

[Larry Miller]

By the way, that's a good looking woman.

[Adam Carolla]

She was a bit of all right. Yeah. Yeah, I see what you were looking at. Did you. Did you get the. Did you get the newspaper every day?

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you stuff the comics under your mattress?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I little rich for the Corolla blood, by the way, in the newspaper. I was the biggest sucker in the world because I never had a paper route, but I would go on everyone else's paper route with them just to keep them company. I never got paid. No, it's that kind of thing where you'd sleep over at your friend's house on a Friday night and it's Saturday night. Saturday morning you'd be stuffing newspapers and whatever and you're just riding a bike with him and running and getting it off the lawn and throwing it on the porch and stuff. Never kicked, you know. Never got to wet my beak. Just run around. I've done. I've been on the appointed rounds a million times, but I never actually got the newspaper route.

[Giovanni]

Kids are going to have to get a job, you know, at some point in maybe they're teen years or they want to get a job, earn some money. Would you recommend a paper route?

[Adam Carolla]

Sharecropper? Didn't we discuss this just so they could have a good story, assuming that's.

[Giovanni]

A seasonal gig and they want to work during the winter. Would you recommend. Because that seems like a whole.

[Brian Bishop]

There aren't going to be newspapers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they'll be good. Delivering iPads. I want to get my kid. I feel like McDonald's is a rite of passage. I worked at McDonald's, and who cares if I got cuticle cancer because of it? I worked at McDonald's for four months, or what felt like four months was probably two and a half months over the summer of 1980. And it taught me everything I needed to know about not wanting to work in fast food and not getting paid and just having some asshole boss yell at you and have a bunch of pressure. There's nowhere to go but up. Like, when I started digging ditches for a living, I was like, oh, thank Christ, sweet relief. And plus, you need a nice shitty job just to tell people you had a nice shitty job in case you become successful. So dropping the kids off at McDonald's is sort of work boot camp for summer. I think that's pretty good.

[Larry Miller]

I never worked at McDonald's or a place like that. I always worked because mother knew someone in Citibank.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

And on the. I could have sworn you were going to sting the music in there. I was going to go with that.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, you sound like. You sound like the Mary Poppins kid.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. No, no, that's.

[Larry Miller]

I was. I had so much fun with that before. I always love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, my baby hello, my honey oh.

[Larry Miller]

Wait, this is the singing frog.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was just working on. I'm working on my second book. And. And I was just sitting around with Mike lynch today describing Dr. Drew and I in Chicago when Loveline was a syndicated show before it was on mtv, it was just sold as a syndicated show. Sitting at our affiliate in Chicago circa 1996, and having the guy saying, you're coming on. I'm adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Welcome to Channel 13 Chicago, Chicago, Chicago's Dubba, Dubba, Dubba, dubba WB. And I was like, no, nobody. Nobody's ever going to remember this. No one's ever going to say it. It's never going to catch on. Let's just stop this right now. And they're like, it's dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba, wb. And I was like, don't do it, Drew. And Drew's like, dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba no, no. Dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba wb. And I was like, please listen to me. I've been in show business for 10 minutes. I don't know anything. I do know this. This is not catching on. The frog was the mascot, and it was. Please find me something with them saying, dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba wb. I'm like, who is going to say this? It's never going to catch on. It's way too fucking long and complicated. And you're not going to get any more viewers because you've come up with this long window.

[Brian Bishop]

It makes me uncomfortable just hearing it.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, let's not do it. And he was. Guys, like, do it. This is the new campaign. And Drew was all for it. And I was like, what the fuck are we doing here, people? And it was dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba. WB and they got. What's his name? Frog. SJ Frog or something. He had a good. He had a good. The frog's name. Yeah. I don't know why he became the W mascot. And I don't know if they did some research. Like, it turns out people like frogs.

[Brian Bishop]

With top hats more than Foghorn Leghorn canes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know what the fucking deal was, and I don't know what the dubba dubba dubba was, but it lasted all of four months. And all I want is that person fired. And I was saying to lynch today, whether it's, you know, what can Brown do for you? Or I got an idea for an airliner, let's call it Airbus, or New Coke or Coke in the Morning, or just one of these just fucking horribly retarded ideas, I want a job where I come to your business, your Fortune 500 business, not as a consultant, but an insultant. And I just walk in and go, hi, guys, how you doing? Everyone's sitting around a big mahogany table and I go, whose idea, by the way, was the wwb? And the guy goes, that was mine. Oh, hi. What's your name? My name's Steve. Hey, Steve, how you doing? And then I produce an aluminum bat and I beat the shit out of him, Al Capone style. I was just violent, you know, on the ground, just lifeless, blood coming, splattering everywhere. And then I throw the bat down. I go, any questions? Like the snort rhyme? All right, Anyone have any campaign ideas? Anyone? Any slogans?

[Larry Miller]

At that second, by the way, the guy will come running. Look, new research. It turns out our viewership has tripled.

[Adam Carolla]

With the WWB now.

[Larry Miller]

And then you say to the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I saved you billions.

[Larry Miller]

Sorry, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

You were going to launch a whole. If I could have got to UPS before, what can Brown do for you? I could have saved them billions on that horrible campaign or New Coke or whatever it is. I just. I'm not going to tell you what's right about your business. I'm going to tell you what's broken about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, here's something for you to direct your bat at. You know, there's a new show, I believe it's called Rock Center. Brian Williams new show.

[Adam Carolla]

Seen it.

[Brian Bishop]

And the ad that I heard on the way over here, it was like, by the time our show comes on, you'll already have heard the news, but we're going to show you a different side of it. Or no, but you don't know what we're going to say about it or something. But it just felt very much. It's like already defensive.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You can imagine someone's like, well, why is someone going to watch this? They already got the news elsewhere, you know, so I think they deserve a beating.

[Larry Miller]

I would appreciate it if they just have an ad that comes, comes on and says, look, we got these jobs, right? So it's on a 10.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you going to do?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, let's be honest. You're not going to read a magazine?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just something that just says you could do worse.

[Brian Bishop]

And P.S. i like strange pussy. So it can be all the honesty at once.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Someone finds some dubba, dubba dubba. There's got to be something out there. There's got to be something out there. Probably find me and Drew, huh? Oh, do we got something? They have something. All right. And what's his name? Sjr. My head's too filled with all this. I can't figure it out anymore. I think we have something.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Michigan. J Frog.

[Larry Miller]

So they're kidnapping children now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're working kids into this. But you're getting the dubba, dubba, dubba.

[Giovanni]

It has to be a career low for any aspiring rapper who's doing the very cynical kids rap for, like, cereal and the wb. It's like, I'm a gangster rapper, but to pay the bills, I rap for kids. Wb.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, you're not getting a lot of street cred. You guys don't know the www.

[Giovanni]

Hey, my kid was watching WB and I heard a voice sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't me. I wrote f the lapd, not the wb.

[Giovanni]

Well, you said that just there sounded.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like the ad. Nah, that's cause f the LAPD sounds like wb. Dubba dubba, dubba dubba. There it is again. There it is again. Lapd. All right. Should we take ourselves a little break? Thanks for finding that. Maybe we'll find the non K version of that. I know website's been all over the road, but it's up and it's running and I Think we got a lot of those bugs kicked out and it shut down again because of traffic. So you guys really blowing everyone away around here with all the reviews on the app and the website. And if you go there and you think about doing a little Christmas shopping, maybe we can do a little turkey day shopping over at Amazon. Amazon, support the show. Just click the banner. Go to annecroll.com, click the banner. Next time we're getting something from Amazon. Give us your love. Show us your love. And again, we're back on with the state of California and all that stuff for at least another year. So let's get to getting. Let's make hay while the sun shines. Use that Amazon link on our website. Thank you very much. All right, quick break. When we come back, hypothetical road trip with Larry.

[Steve Little]

Now, you can get it on anytime, anywhere with our new app.

[Adam Carolla]

It's available now and it's free. Stream the show straight to your iPhone.

[Steve Little]

Ipad, or Android device.

[Adam Carolla]

Just click the Apple or Android links at the new and improved AdamCarolla.com or go to the app Store or Android Marketplace. Make sure you rate and review it and tell your friends. The new Adam Corolla show app, it's available now, so get it on Jamie Fox.

[Brian Bishop]

Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They do this to torture the actors. I know they torture the actors.

[Larry Miller]

I was on a couple of things where they told you have to dance at the end of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Larry Miller]

Where they say, okay, and everyone's gonna dance. And I said, I can't. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

I don't want to dance at the end of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll. I think they're.

[Larry Miller]

Walk out and wave if you want.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're trying. They do that to. With the actors. Let me hear the end. Let me hear the end of that one more time. And I think that's the thing. If you can find it, that's the one that's gonna catch on like wildfire.

[Giovanni]

Doing the DU on the WB backlog.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think even one person. I don't know, but I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

All I want is a apology. That's all I want. I want all the. I want. I want to be walking down the street one day and have a guy walk up to me and go, remember in Chicago in 96? And I go, yeah, that was the guy. I made you say, dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba, dubb. I'm really sorry. And now where would you like me to give you that hand job? Because I'm really, really sorry. I will use my tears for lubricant. That's all I want. Because the whole thing about this is these guys, all they do is crank out shit ideas and nothing ever happens. It's a television thing. Like, executive just come up with fucking retarded ideas after retarded ideas, and they never go, well, that one was on me, fellas.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I want them to do that thing they did in Spinal Tap. Or Artie fucking said, kick my ass. Kick it. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Kick my ass. We oversaturated. Boston's not a college town. Kick my ass. I think it was Paul Schaeffer. He literally said, kick it. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. I want you to kick me in the ass. That's why I want these fucking. Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

I want to hear Dr. Drew saying it. No, I don't want to hear anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That drove me nuts. Because I would pull him aside and go, look, we'd get on the same page here. We could get out of this shit. And he'd be like, I'm all ears. What do you want me to do? What shall we do? There he is. They over saturated. That's why no one showed up at the record site. They over saturated the market. They advertised too much. Understand?

[Larry Miller]

It's perfect. Because it's so stupid, it actually sounds smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. The dubba dubba, dubba, dubba Poor. Yeah. Now, wait a minute. What the fuck was the guy from Entourage doing in that commercial?

[Brian Bishop]

He was on that show Happily Ever After, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, with.

[Steve Little]

How do you know that?

[Brian Bishop]

Because I interviewed him, and Bobcat Goldthwaite stole his girlfriend, Nikki Cox, and there was a rabbit on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was his girlfriend?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In real life. Life.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. She was on the show as well.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you really. You. You. You really do have the sort of capacity for trivia of a fat chick. But yet you're beautiful. Do you know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the only possible excuse for all that you. All that you've absorbed is you were morbidly obese from the sick grade to your sophomore year of college, and you just sat home every Friday night and watched these horrible, horrible sitcoms and absorbed everything as well as a pint of Haagen Dazs.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not that untrue. I didn't eat the Haagen Dazs, but I did watch a lot of television.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you heavy?

[Brian Bishop]

I was heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Well, there you go. This Is the not only heavy chicks possess this knowledge. Waify chicks don't know anything about this stuff. What gives?

[Brian Bishop]

No, they don't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Brian Bishop]

That's my point.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so you were heavy.

[Brian Bishop]

I was, Yeah. I mean, well, yeah, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how you're. Okay. Yeah, I can sleep now. That's all. Yeah, okay. All's right. Where were we?

[Brian Bishop]

I stored the trivia in my fat cells.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a. I'm glad you know. Listen, this is a win, win for us because now you're beautiful, but yet you know about the facts of life and Kevin Connelly.

[Brian Bishop]

We did a little thing with always down to fuck. Such girls are always down to fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay, can I move forward here, please? Paul Hunt. Paul Hunt is the name of a cat. He's 32 years old. He lives in Irvine. God, this is the greatest thing ever. Because we did this thing when we were launching our website, which was whoever referred the most people to the website, and in Paul's case, it was 34,000 plus people to the site. And I don't think that's just people that clicked over. It's people that like, signed up or signed in or whatever it was. We said, we'll fly out here, you can be on the podcast and I'll have a beer with you. And I thought, some fucker from Nova Scotia is going to win this thing and it's going to kill us with the flight of jet, a cost of jet, a fuel these days and all kind of stuff. This guy's in Irvine. He's local. We should send a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dawson, pick him up in your dasher. No, I didn't me a real car. Or say to him, gratuity included.

[Larry Miller]

No, it was only for flights. You have to drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Either way, we should send a cool car. Maybe I'll go down and get him in one of my cool cars. And then secondly, we thought, well, you know what? Let's. Let's just throw in a random guy in here too. And I got a bunch of random names. And first I think we'll say hi to Paul. Paul's on. What line is Paul on? Line one. There you go, Paul. Let's try this again. Paul, can you hear me?

[I]

Yeah. Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go, buddy. Your wife's pregnant?

[I]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you found the dude who knocked her out?

[I]

No, still looking.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're 32 and you're an Irvine?

[I]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

What high school did you go to?

[I]

Right up the road from you.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah, you may have went to High school with our own Alison Rosen. Did you go to high school?

[I]

I did, yeah. I don't, I don't think Servite. She would have been at Servite All Boys Catholic High School.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Servite's got a good football team, right?

[I]

Yeah, we just. Just be modern day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, big win. I watch that. I love watching high school football on like channel 58. I don't know why I'd rather watch high school football than half the pro games out there. I really would. I don't know, there's something fresh about it or something. Trying to wonder if this guy's going to make it at the next level. Plus, they still look.

[Larry Miller]

It still looks possible and human the way they run and the way they hand off the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Hey, Paul, so you went ahead and referred over 34,000 people. How do you do that?

[I]

It was tough. I just kind of, you know, I first heard when you announced that someone had 80 and then the next guy has 800. So I just kind of blasted all my friends and asked them to blast their friends and started posting my referral link, whatever the link was that when people signed up, I got credit for. I started posting that thing everywhere I could. And I know a lot of guys and I'm in computers and software and so I know a lot of guys that are in that same.

[Brian Bishop]

Did we vet this, Paul?

[Adam Carolla]

I come out to. I don't know if it was properly vetted, but good enough for me. You know, when it comes to all these contests, I never give a shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

You should know that up front, Paul. But you know, Paul, I feel like I go down to Irvine and do some form of comedy about once a month and I would have hung out with you after show and just had a beer. Anyway, I mean, as long as you're coming. Have you come out to our shows in Irvine?

[I]

I have. I've been to two of them. I even got you on a. What, Adam? What can Adam complain about? I got you on the zip. Zip tie thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, the zip ties. Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Things the new, the new handcuffs that cops use. Yeah, it's a great item, except for I want to be. I just feel like Dillinger or Al Capone with zip ties. Like a plastic zip tie. And him going like making the announcement, no prison that's ever been built can hold me. Yeah, but 10 cents worth of plastic seems to be doing pretty good on your hands. Yeah.

[I]

Right. I've seen you a couple times.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Paul, we're gonna have some beer together.

[I]

Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's do it. I may even come pick you up.

[I]

That would be great. Yeah. I thought saving you on some hair care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's nice.

[I]

Was worth it for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I may go Herman Cain on your ass. Once you get in the car, though.

[Brian Bishop]

Wear something stretchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, something you can move in. By the way, I don't like when women's parts are referred to as genitals. They're not genitals to me. They're just. Do you know what I mean? It always feels weird. He went for my genitals. I mean, we got some shit. We need a better name, whatever it is.

[Giovanni]

Hoo. Ha.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, Paul, thanks a ton, buddy. We're gonna work this out.

[I]

I can't wait. I don't even know. So what, what, what is the deal? Am I coming up like on a Friday and having a beer and hanging out for the podcast or do you even know what the deal is?

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to watch me talk on my cell phone and my agent while you drink a beer, and I'm going to call you Andy a couple of times. Okay? Don't get confused.

[I]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll bring you out here and we'll have a couple of few beers and we'll bring on the podcast. Hell, you may even be on the podcast right now. Thanks, Paul.

[I]

Yeah, thanks, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Appreciate it, buddy. And mazel tov with the pregnant wife, first child, by the way. So we got this other guy who's going to pick from randomly, and there's a guy from Pennsylvania that got one person referred. That's pretty far away for a referral.

[Brian Bishop]

So this is just completely random. Truly random.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike just picked a bunch of random names. But there's a guy in Seattle, Washington that did almost 5,000.

[Brian Bishop]

That's better than one.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's better than one. And there's 1, 4, 11, and 31 on this page. And then there's a guy with 4,900.

[Brian Bishop]

Where are the other ones from?

[Adam Carolla]

We got Phoenix, Seattle, Alberta, Canada, Pennsylvania.

[Larry Miller]

Doesn't the guy who gets 5,000 have to be feeling awful? He gets lumped in with the guy who got one.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but that is the heart of randomness.

[Adam Carolla]

He's from Seattle, So I love Seatt. And he got 5,000 people. So we're going to take one poly. I don't know what the rest of his. One poly K, by the way. We'll work that one out. Yeah. All right. Should we do a little hypothetical road trip with our own Larry Miller? Yeah, let's do that. It's the hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers. We're driving to Florida. All right, Larry? Feeling good?

[Larry Miller]

Oh, I am. Because we haven't played the game in a while. And, you know, I love the game because also, pretty girls like Allison like the game.

[Brian Bishop]

I love the game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And I got. I got you an upgrade in a suite at the hotel. I'll show you later.

[Adam Carolla]

How big. How big a gal were you in high school? Were you big gal, Allison?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I. Well, I mean, I was. I was like, probably. There's probably like, at the most, like maybe like 30 or 40 more pounds. So. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Well into black guy range.

[Brian Bishop]

I wasn't. I wasn't like, oh, my God, how does she move?

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, but people help you when you start trying to get up.

[Larry Miller]

Uh huh.

[Brian Bishop]

I was like, oh, why are you so sweaty? No, but I mean, you know, when I was in grade school, I was the fat kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you were. Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now they're all. All right, you ready, Larry?

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Hypothetical road trip from the Santa Monica Pier to Epcot center in Florida. Vegan chef or the I run marathons guy.

[Larry Miller]

This is close, considering we haven't played in a while. This is, this is a difficult one because they're actually very, very close. The vegan guy or the guy? And yet, and yet the answer is obvious, because when you have the skill level I have, you can poke through it in just a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me, let me, Let me, Let me paint a picture.

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

The vegan guy went on the road with the Red Hot Chili Peppers for one tour 11 years ago, and he never fucking stops talking about it. Never. And then the guy who ran the marathon has, in his office, framed all the paper numbers that were on the, you know, taped to the front of his chest. He has them for the nine marathons he's did over the last 11 years. They're all taped up there on full display in his office.

[Larry Miller]

And that's why it would never be him. You see, you yourself have hit on it, and that's why you think you're very clever. But in effect, I have one now, because I have smoked you out. Because not only does he have every one of those numbers taped to the wall, he has every picture of him crossing the line and somebody handing him the cup of water.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

So that's why. Because of being obsessed. Obsessed. It's like the people who have them pictures of themselves shaking hands with politicians or shaking hands with people in show business in the office I hate them all. It would never be him and would always be the semi cool guy who is the vegan chef. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, come on. That's incorrect. Because how? Because I just want to know how. Because at a certain point you're going to get hungry and you're going to go, oh, you'll be driving down the freeway and you're going to go, oh, there's a way Wendy's. And he's gonna. Did you see Fast Food Nation? And it's gonna be an endless. And you're gonna have to wait for a vegan joint and you're gonna have.

[Brian Bishop]

To listen to Blood Sugar Sex magic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And at some point. Yeah. Over and over again. And at some point you're gonna see a vegetarian place and you're gonna be, thank Christ. She's gonna go, oh, no, that is not a vegan place. They use dairy. There's a lot of bad vibes in that place. You'll never be able to eat. Come on, Larry.

[Larry Miller]

I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever talk to those people where you know why they got fired, but they don't know why they got fired? And they'll do that thing where it's like, yeah, I did two tours with the Red Hot Chili Peppers about nine years ago, and Anthony's a cool dude and they're all really cool dudes, but he's talking your ear off and he's a royal. And it's like you've met him for five minutes and you hate his guts already. And you realize they are. They've done seven tours since you did your last tour, and they brought a chef with them, but they did not bring you. So obviously they don't want. But that guy doesn't get it. And if you ever do kind of get close, maybe as a few beers and you get to that point with them, he'll say, like, it's usually something about one of them being jealous of him somehow. I like that one. You know, Anthony was dating a girl at the time and she was vegan too, and, you know, nothing ever went down. But he saw us talking backstage a few times and obviously there was an attraction. So they. And it's like, really? That's. That's what happened. You're too good looking. Okay, Interesting. All right, sorry. 0 for 1. Let's keep rolling. Pawn shop owner or pawn shop patron?

[Larry Miller]

Ooh. You see, these are getting more interesting and more subtle. But I would always, always drive with the pawn shop owner and never drive with the pawn shop patron because the pawn shop owner is thinking every single day about pushing his hand down on that spike like Rod Steiger from the pawn broker. And I would. I have so much respect.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody knows that reference. Even Rod Steiger's kids don't know what that is.

[Larry Miller]

But you do. And you see, that's why I'm going to win. Because it will always be the pawnbroker. Never be the people who have no stories because they have. They're desperate enough to have to go to the porn broker. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry, incorrect. Come on.

[Larry Miller]

I just want to know how.

[Adam Carolla]

Never. Why? What'd you pay for that belt, Larry? Well, I. I got it.

[Larry Miller]

I got it at Best Buy.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you pay for it?

[Larry Miller]

Well, it was 12.95, but I was 95. I was on the road.

[Adam Carolla]

It's same belt, 8.95. I could have got you that belt.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I didn't know. We didn't know. It's a dicky belt where it turns around and it's brown on one side.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I just sold one the other for $8.

[Larry Miller]

Well, 12.99. It's all right, though, but. So now I could get other things from you. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I notice you got a Blau Punk stereo in your car here. Would you pay for that?

[Larry Miller]

I got a great deal on that. You can't match the deal I got that set you back $117.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Larry Miller]

New.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I hope it's new. Hope it came with a cougar on in the box. No, I could have got you that same blow punk. Was that 1800 series? Yeah, I could have got. What did I say?

[Larry Miller]

117.

[Adam Carolla]

I could have got blow for 65. I just sold one. I just sold one that was. It was actually newer than new. It was prototype. Sold $65. Wow.

[Larry Miller]

A new. The new series M. I didn't care.

[Brian Bishop]

About the car he's driving.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you pay for that? Dental work.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you can't beat this because I.

[Adam Carolla]

Have been a filling. Yeah. By the way, It's a crown.

[Larry Miller]

Two for one deal. Two for one deal. Three for one if you count the.

[Adam Carolla]

Crown having a failing 1280. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Larry Miller]

Beat that if you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. I just sold a cap, a crown and a bridge for under $500. Would have fit your mouth perfectly.

[Larry Miller]

Well, that does it. I'm going to cap you.

[Adam Carolla]

I see. That would get annoying really quickly, wouldn't it? Well, I guess I never thought about that. I like when those guys would seriously, like, they'd look at, like, a Super bowl ring for 20 minutes and go, $14. I couldn't pay a penny over 14. They're like, what?

[Giovanni]

No matter how good a deal you got it, it could have been, oh, my brother for free. I would have paid you.

[Larry Miller]

That's why the Pawn Stars thing is such a lesson in human behavior, though, because you see people cave instantly. They say, what? The guy says, what are you looking for? $1,500. And you can see they're just ready to cave. Because the guy just shakes his head and just says, I can go 400. You can see the long. The shoulders slump. They're dead.

[Adam Carolla]

They're already dead.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I was hoping for more, really, because you've already lost, right? You have no idea what you're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Out in the park parking lot. They're like, this is Elvis's jumpsuit. He wore it at the MGM and one of his last shows before he died. I'm not walking out here with a penny less than $10,000. And the guy's like, I'll give you $400. 500. Okay, deal. And they just walk away.

[Larry Miller]

Can you make it 500?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

Can you? When they ask, you're dead.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a great scene from. I think it was lost. No, no, it wasn't lost. Defending your life. Had that scene. Which one? They had the scene where he was going in and he was going to ask his boss for a raise. Oh, yeah. Getting a job. And he was practicing with his wife.

[Giovanni]

He was negotiating a raise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can be my wife.

[Giovanni]

She's practicing. All right, I'll be the boss. You talk to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Price. Herb, I want $75,000.

[Giovanni]

You know what we have? Budget for this position is a little less at 60,000.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't do it for a penny less than 75,000.

[Giovanni]

I'm telling you, I can go with my superiors, but I can't do any better than six. 65 is the top.

[Adam Carolla]

$75,000, not a penny less.

[Giovanni]

They would fire me if I asked for 70,000, Herb.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't go lower than $75,000. They cut to the scene, and the guy goes, I'm prepared to offer you 55. I'll take it. It's like you knew what was coming the entire time. It was just that super long setup that got you somehow.

[Larry Miller]

The reason that's funny is because we all relate, because we all fold.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. And the guys are going into the pawn shop always taco immediately. I don't know if we can find that scene. This is damn Exciting stuff. All right, this is just dynamite. Here we go. You ready?

[Larry Miller]

Well, you know, I am, because I. I think I've been a little unfairly treated this time, and I. And I. And I want to. I don't want to show. Well, Allison, I wanted to be proud of Frank.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, chick who's into the ufc, or guy who's seen at least three tapings of the View.

[Larry Miller]

This is an easy one, because on the surface, it seems like you want. Might. Might want to talk to a wholesome character who's been to three tapings of the View, not just been on the View, not just enjoys the View, not just watches at home, but enjoys questions about contemporary topics. You might think I could find interest with this guy. And frankly, a chick who's really into the UFC is someone who wants me to get beaten up and really, really is no one I want to talk to. But that's where you'd be wrong. You see, that's why, on the surface, people don't play the game as well as I do. And that's why I understand that it would always be more interesting to drive with that woman, because anyone who enjoys sweat that much would enjoy being with the car with me, going cross country, and I would never want to talk to someone who irons his polo shirts like that. That's why I would always drive with her.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Larry Miller]

No, no, I don't accept this time. I don't accept it this time. I say no this time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, Larry, you can't argue with the buzzer. At certain point, she's going to try to show you some simple moves, you know, just very simple. And. And then she's going to give you that scariest thing in the world. That's the thing the chiropractor gives you, which is relax, because if you try to sort of push back, you may injure yourself. Now, I'm going to show you what a figure four is, and I'm going to show you what an armbar is. And before you know it, you're rolling around the rest stop, and she's dislocated your forearm, and it's trouble, Larry. It is trouble. And then she sues you for sexual harassment when you run for office later on in life. I'm sorry, Larry Miller, thank you for playing the game.

[Larry Miller]

I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of guts showing you face around here. Oh, they have the negotiation scene from defending your life. What a time we're living in. It's a great time.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Or is it weird Just put it's both. There it is. Do this for me.

[Larry Miller]

It helps.

[Brian Bishop]

Not now.

[Larry Miller]

I mean, come on, do it.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you want me to do? Be him.

[Brian Bishop]

Susan Watson.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not silly. It helps me. 55,000. No more. How much do you want?

[Larry Miller]

How much are you offering me?

[Brian Bishop]

55.

[Larry Miller]

I can't work here for a penny under 65.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. Well, I can't pay you 65, but I can't work here. 58,000. 65. 59. 65. 60. 65.

[Lynette Carolla]

61.

[Larry Miller]

Let me make it plain. I cannot take the job for under 65 under no conditions.

[Adam Carolla]

Your honors, I would like to go.

[Larry Miller]

Directly to the next afternoon and show you the real encounter. Danielle, I'm prepared to offer you $49,000.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take it. I love a joke. When you know what the joke, you know 10 minutes into it what the answer to the joke is, what the punchline to the joke is, and it still makes you laugh.

[Larry Miller]

That's great. And by the way, Lee Grant, that was as the prosecutor, she was great in that.

[Giovanni]

The Dragon Lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Great goddamn movie, Larry. A lot of guts. Show your face.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I love the games.

[Adam Carolla]

Time you discount tire in America's Tire. Love these guys. They give me my race tires. Time to get some snow tires, kitties. It's cold out there. Winter chill.

[Giovanni]

We're just in Denver. Snow cold, wind area.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yep. They got the winter tires in stock. Winter tires, not just for snow, grip the road better than the all season tires do in weather conditions 45 degrees and below. Like the aforementioned Denver. Let's be safe. That's really. That's your contact with the road, that's your tires. You got your family in the car. And yeah, you got a crumple zone and maybe an airbag or two. But let's focus on you staying on the road. And by the way, you go off the side of that pike peak there, all the airbags in the world ain't going to save your ass. So let's stay on the road and let's take care of one of our fine sponsors. Discount Tire and America's Tire. Different name, same place. Play it safe, drive with confidence all winter long. Get your winter tires today at Discount Tire and America's Tire. Discount Tire. All right, a little more news. Let's do one more news story, shall we? Larry Miller, Jason Rosen. She'll read some news. From her I got.

[Larry Miller]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we get it, Larry. Oh, wait, I stepped on zip code. Larry Miller. By the way, live shows, cocktails with Larry Miller November 16th through the 20th at the Eisman center in Richmond, Texas.

[Larry Miller]

Richardson, Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Richardson, Texas.

[Larry Miller]

That's all right. And by the way, congratulations on the new app. I'm proud to be on it with this Week with Larry Miller.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You can listen to the new app and catch this Week with Larry Miller. All right, LarryMillerHumor.com is where you go. One more story. Alison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Jessica Simpson tweeted that she farts 15 times more than the average person. Oh, my God. Facts. Which is OMG. Facts. Which is an account that tweets. Facts. Wrote the average person expels flatulence 15 times each day. And then Jessica Simpson wrote the average pregnant woman farts 15 times that. So now people are like, we know way too much about her, but wondering.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether to beat off to this or not. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So on one hand, we got a pregnant bra.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you got flatulence.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. You're only human. How could you not think about what.

[Giovanni]

Pregnancy is doing to her breasts?

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta talk to my balls.

[Larry Miller]

What about? I wonder how Isaac Hayes would feel about her. He always liked her, didn't he?

[Adam Carolla]

You like the pregnant blondes, Isaac? It's good. Oh, you do? You like the milking and popping broads. Yeah, it's a little weird. It's kind of a fetish thing sometimes. Yeah, but that's got a nice big round ass, huh? What do you think of that? What? Yeah. No, I'm serious. She's probably put some weight on. Yeah. Filling out those mom jeans. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know your type there, Isaac. I know you like the women with some curves on them. That's good. Yeah. You don't need some coke snorting, waif model telling you you're bitten out. That's right. No, let me just ask you this. Is there ever such a thing as too pregnant, Isaac? Because at a certain point, you know. Yeah, yeah. I say a certain point, you get too pregnant. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, if the kid's crowning, you don't want any part of that, do you? The beginning of the third trimester, are you with. Or is that something depending on what kind of mood you're in? I get you. I get you. Yeah. I've heard Isaac yell hey, mother, one another many times. Many times. It's a good thing. Yeah. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, is it ever acceptable for a hot woman? And I don't know if you think Jessica Simpson is.

[Adam Carolla]

I like her.

[Brian Bishop]

And to Talk about farting there. Is that neutral or does it bring her down? She's really in the realm of waffle crapping this question.

[Larry Miller]

I worked with her in Blonde Ambition, which is a very good movie. Pinnapliane Miller and Luke Wilson and Penny Marshall. And she was. You know what though? She was so. She really is one of those. She's so naturally beautiful. She really was so you. You just can't take your eyes off her. And she was very nice. She was great to work with. But it really is one of those things of. Holy mackerel. I mean, whatever she's. Whatever they put on her, it's just crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like her. I like her because she's got some curves on her, not only the stick chicks. So she's pregnant now.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But she marries some. See a athlete. What. What the hell was. The hell's going on with her? And I feel bad for her because I feel like she's kind of desperate career wise. Do you get that feeling?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And she wants it back, but she ain't getting it back.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, it does seem. Although, who knows? I mean, I feel like people can reinvent themselves and all of a sudden she could be back, back in the spotlight. She did that show that was panned where she went around the world and talked about different food, notions of. No, beauty.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, beauty. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And I always thought she was really personable and I thought she was a good host of a show and interesting too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

But I think you read about reinventing though, whether it's her or anyone else that. You know what, it's always amazing what people can do and she has a strong enough fan base and she's going to be gorgeous a long time, I think.

[Brian Bishop]

But the fart talk, are you okay with it or not?

[Larry Miller]

No, but she's gorgeous. Look at that picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, big fan.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's her. Like a baby in many pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Not. I mean, big fan. I mean, turn on a big fan. She's going to be farting on the room. Clear this place out. You know what I'm saying?

[Giovanni]

She's probably used to being photographed like that with the fan pointing right at her, blowing her hair. She's like, I can do whatever I want.

[Adam Carolla]

Expel the gas. Yeah. When you're model, you can fart all you want.

[Giovanni]

The fans always.

[Brian Bishop]

She can do the walk and fart. Prop duster.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus no one ever walks in a room that's been farted up and finds a model and go, hey, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, bitch. Just seal that ass ears. Trying to eat over here.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're right. They always turn to the guy, find.

[Adam Carolla]

The fattest guy in the room and go, hey man, just zip it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, when I lay off a kimchi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, always the fattest guy in the room. That's the thing. If I was a waif model, I would just walk into rooms with heavy set guys and blow ass and then just stand there and laugh because the next guy comes in a room is going to blame the fat guy. I'd wait to go to elevators.

[Giovanni]

Laughing may give it away.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you right? I wouldn't laugh. You know what I do? All I would do was go into commercial office buildings and wait by the elevator until single fat guys got on. And then I would get in there and I would eat nothing but pinto beans and Pepsi and I would blow big farts. And then when other people got onto the elevator and made that look and they look at me wearing a tight, tight gown and then looked at the fat guy, they'd go, geez, Jesus Christ, buddy. We have some, have some self respect. And that's what I would do. If I was a wife model. That's all I would do.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you wouldn't even model.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't model. I wouldn't try to date Clooney. I wouldn't do anything. I would just go to commercial office space and fart up the elevator, wait for fat guys. That's all I would do. Well, hand to God. Hand a God. Literally, literally hand a God. Literally hand a God. Larry Miller. That's all I would do.

[Larry Miller]

That should be on the next hypothetical road trip.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone repeats things like that.

[Larry Miller]

Hand of God. And that's all I would do.

[Giovanni]

That's what I would do.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand of God. Literally, literally Hannah God on my twin's life. Hannah God. Hannah God. Just literally fart up elevators.

[Larry Miller]

The next guy then says, well, by.

[Adam Carolla]

The way, that's all.

[Larry Miller]

If the next guy just says, I wouldn't even sleep. From your lips to God's ears.

[Adam Carolla]

I would take breaks to eat clams right out of the can and wash that down with beef motto. And that's Hannah God. Hannah God. That's all I would do on a twin.

[Giovanni]

On my twin present to the Oscars.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't do it. Oh, okay, wait a minute. Do they have elevators? I gotta stay in this commercial space and fart up these elevators.

[Giovanni]

A FEMA wants to go down to New Orleans and scratch.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't help. I can't help. I wish them well.

[Giovanni]

You love animals.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish the blacks well, but I can't help Oysters. I cannot help all the animals and all the brothers on the roofs. I have to fart up these elevators. Hannah God. Hannah got literally.

[Giovanni]

Hannah, the Dodgers want you to throw out the first pitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Cannot. Cannot. Unless I'm firing it out of my ass and there guy next to me, and it's through an elevator door. I can't do it. Hannah got. Hannah Gutt. So literally, Hannah got.

[Larry Miller]

So you're being honest.

[Adam Carolla]

Hannah Gutt on my twins live. All right, where were we? Ah, that's the news. Yeah. Hannah Gutt. Good news.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, go to meeting. Oh, you gotta be mobile these days. You gotta have an impromptu meeting wherever, whenever. It's virtually. Well, it's impossible to get in and get everyone together these days. Everyone's going their own way. Everyone's doing their own thing. That's why you got go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. Sets up in just a matter of moments. And you can host meetings online from Hannah God. From your computer while attendees join from any computer or iPad. Hannah God. Literally an iPad. Hannah God. Hannah got literally an iPad. Unbelievable. And they got the free GoToMeeting app.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you're making that up.

[Adam Carolla]

Hannah God. Hannah God. They got. You can use your iPhone if you want. Remember that? Larry, that sounds like bologna. Hannah God. Hannah God. Use your iPhone for GoToMeeting. And what about your Android?

[Larry Miller]

I don't know if I buy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand of God. Literally. Literally using a hand of God. On my twins. On my twins. Hand of God. Hannah God. Hannah God. All right. But iPhone, Android mobile device.

[Larry Miller]

That sounds a little thin.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand of God. Email invitations. You can instantly join. So they just tap the email invitation and instantly join in on your meeting. It is that easy. Hand of God. Go to meeting and you can try it for free. 30 days. Free. Larry.

[Larry Miller]

Preposterous.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand to God.

[Larry Miller]

Well, maybe you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

30 days for free. You can go to the App Store or the Android market and download a free app.

[Larry Miller]

Nonsense on stilts and God.

[Adam Carolla]

Then visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button, and use the promo code. Adam. Hand to God, Larry. Hand to God. Larry MillerHumor is where you go. Dot com. Larry Miller. Humor. Seriously, if you're interested in laughing. Hannah Got Larry MillerHumor.com is where you go. You know what I'm saying? All right, I think I worked everything in. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Brian, Larry Miller and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo. I'm down with OPP.

[Giovanni]

All right, those Adam Carlos Show 692. Coming up for our final clip today, we have Adam Kurosho696 with Steve Little, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2011. Steve was a cast member member of Eastbounded Down. He was Kenny Powers friend who kind of got in a lot of trouble and a lot of bad things happened to him. Hope you guys enjoy this interview.

[Adam Carolla]

But real quick, how the did you find me?

[Steve Little]

Oh, that mystery. When the charges first started showing up on my credit card, I thought this is fucking fraud. But then it looks a little bit closer.

[Adam Carolla]

What was being purchased?

[Steve Little]

Beer, Jaeger lube, Magnum condoms. Not me Whippets, business cards.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's when I realized you were.

[Steve Little]

Leaving me a trail of fucking breadcrumbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Breadcrumbs?

[Steve Little]

Yeah. $22,000 worth of breadcrumbs that led me straight to you, motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

You're being serious?

[Steve Little]

Yeah, serious.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's good, because you're right. That's exactly what my intentions were. I'm glad you were able to decipher my Da Vinci code. Welcome to the fucking manger, holmes.

[Steve Little]

I am glad that you sent me a complex code, Kenny. I am ready to fucking party.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess we're gonna party. Yeah. Well, cut right when they cut to some ass. Yeah. Stephen Little is here, eastbound and down. Also the catechism Cataclysm, which is out in select theaters and video on demand as well. Steve, do we know each other?

[Steve Little]

No, we've never met each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like we should have, right?

[Steve Little]

Yeah. Yeah, I think through the things we should have at some point. But we didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't.

[Steve Little]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah, I'm all right with that. You're okay. I'm not good with it.

[Steve Little]

Yeah. No meaning.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm, you know, I'll sleep.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you want Brian and me to clear out? You guys are having a moment.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, you know, we're, you know, generally the same age and we generally have the, you know, same skin tone and we know the same folks. Yeah, you're. You're. You're a groundlings guy, right? I was a groundlings guy. I just think we do a little cross pollinating every once in a while.

[Steve Little]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been avoiding me. I have been avoiding you. Thumbs up.

[Steve Little]

No, no, I think you. I think you blew up when I was not. Haven't blown up yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that you've blown.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, now we're meeting here.

[Adam Carolla]

You are blowing. Yeah. This is awesome.

[Steve Little]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Congratulations on The Eastbound and Down and the movies. And, you know, it's funny, because we have the Ugly Truth on here. Which you got cut out of.

[Steve Little]

That's right. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was saying Gerard Butler movie he had.

[Steve Little]

It was one of those things where, like, the main white dude has three friends. It's like a black guy, a Latino guy, and me. I was the white dude. And, yeah, I guess he didn't have any friends after a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I must say, don't take it personally. The reason I bring that up is that's the movie. Remember when Gerard Butler came and studied my technique?

[Giovanni]

He sat in silently on a morning show and like, two morning shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Or a week's worth, almost.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He shadowed you?

[Adam Carolla]

He shadowed me.

[Giovanni]

Take your a lister to work day.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Why? Because. I don't know. I couldn't figure. I think he just wanted it. You know what it was?

[Brian Bishop]

He's a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

We did this bit, and it was about me getting drunk at Kimmel's house for the Super Bowl. And Teresa kept saying something. We didn't plan anything. No. I mean, yes, that it was always manslaughter. It was never murder one. It was just. Shit happened. But she started reading off the commercials, and I started saying I was too drunk. And so she would say, well, did you see the new Pepsi commercial with the polar bears? And I say, no, at that point, I was out front arguing with the neighbors about the Holocaust and how it never existed. And then she'd say, well, what about that Kodak commercial? And I'd say, no, I was on the roof naked, yelling, drink from your helmets at that point. And it was all. And she wants to rattle off, like, 25 commercials. And then I would just rattle off another insane drunk and nonsensical whatever. Somehow Gerard got hold of that, and I think that he just decided he wanted to hang out and watch. Although no comedy happened while he was there. But it had no age. He spoke. He didn't speak. But there was no research for the role. I don't think. I think you get to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Was he playing an alcoholic?

[Adam Carolla]

As a. As an actor, I think you get to like Steve. If there's a show you like, you can just go, I want to research it for the role. And then you just sit and watch you.

[Steve Little]

I guess you could.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or like, with porn. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, I'm gonna play, like, a porn star and then just sit around, watch porn.

[Steve Little]

Exactly, exactly. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

And no one ever calls you two years later. And Go. What the fuck?

[Steve Little]

Yeah, where was your porn movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't have like, I have Gerard Butler's number. I can't go. Hey, you didn't play DJ in that movie. I want my fucking afternoon back.

[Giovanni]

I saw him on the streets in New Orleans. I was at a wedding and he was just happened to be here at the exact same time. Biggest missed opportunity in my life. I was with my friends. I should have been like, Jerry, remember me from the radio show?

[Adam Carolla]

He may have remembered.

[Giovanni]

That would have been the greatest moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Of sadly fucking way.

[Steve Little]

I'm surprised he didn't speak the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

He, he said, I'm not here to be a guest. I'm just here to observe. Which to be fair, a lot of the hot chicks who we had honest guests, they had that same policy too. Like every once in a while, like AX presents dating tips from don't be one upper. Like I said before, from lowrider magazines, you know, and they just sit there. Yeah, don't be a 1 upper.

[Steve Little]

So a hot chick, a hot chick gives dating tips.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they have this, there's this. I don't think they do it anymore. I don't know. But there was this thing where hot chicks really, they shouldn't talk. I mean, number one, they're there to be seen. They ruin it. But they do this thing where like Cuervo Gold or Axe Body Spray or Trojan condoms or something would find some hot 24 year old chick who did a lot of like car magazine sports and say, you're a relationship expert. So now you need to go on all these morning shows, talk about Axe Body spray and dispense love advice. And it was always kind of weird and dubious because like she's an expert in relationship. By the way, you getting fucked by NBA forwards does not make you a relationship expert. That just means you hold still while some dude gives it to you. But they would come on and it was always one, was always worse than the next. And the one upper one is, it.

[Giovanni]

Was worse than that for her because I think it was a mildly clever print campaign where Axe Body Spray did their game Killers. The things you can do as a guy to kill your game. And one of them was like, be a one upper. Don't constantly be one. Upping your friends in front of girls. And they hired whoever. Christine Dolce, right, to basically.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that her? This photo?

[Giovanni]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

And they hired her to be like.

[Giovanni]

The mouthpiece and explain all of these.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me add, what is a volatile combination like anytime there, Anytime there's a catastrophic failure. Especially as it pertains to the aircraft industry. They can always trace it back. First, metallurgy problems. Secondly, the plane was overdue for mixed in with some volcanic ash. It was in. This all led to this cataclysmic failure. So this is hot chick who doesn't like doing homework. Don't worry, the axe guys gave him a whole laundry list of shit to remember. They rolled it up and did a rail of coke with it. That's number one. Number two, 6:45 in the morning. These people are coming home at 6:45 in the morning. It's not like she studied the shit all night and then went to bed at 8:00. She basically woke up 20 minutes minutes earlier. Mixed with smaller than average brain unable to string together a sentence means cataclysmic failure. So she's just sitting there and we're going, all right, so what are the top five things a guy shouldn't do on a first date? Don't be a 1 upper. And then at a certain point you.

[Giovanni]

Made the mistake of pressing her on the details of what a one upper was.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean? It's a one upper. She's like, you know, don't, don't, don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Be a 1 upper.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I said before, don't be a 1 upper. And. And I'm like, well, so give us an example of being a 1 upper. And at a certain point she fucked up and doubled back and said, so anyway, you, you shouldn't. You should always pull her chair out. You should be a 1 upper. And I said be. Wait a minute. You should be a 1 upper. I thought you said not to be a 1 upper. And then she said, no, like I said before and don't be a one upper.

[Brian Bishop]

Like I.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't learn shit about dating from hot chicks. Just fucking please ax get a fat chick in here. She'll tell us about dating.

[Steve Little]

That's a good idea. A fat chick with lots of, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, verbal verbiage and plus a fat chick uses more acts than a 110 pound chick with an eating disorder. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Because there's more surface area.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Simple math.

[Brian Bishop]

Where does Patty Stanger fit into this million? Our matchmaker.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, sorry, I know who Patty staggers.

[Brian Bishop]

It was for our. For the benefit of our guests.

[Steve Little]

I know who the millionaire matchmaker is.

[Brian Bishop]

It was for the listeners. I for Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I.

[Brian Bishop]

He doesn't own a television, all right?

[Adam Carolla]

I watch that Show, Steve, you watch that show?

[Steve Little]

Yeah, I watch that show too. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I don't get about those dudes on those shows.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, they're gay, for one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a lot of them are gay. Yeah, but they all have their thing gay. Like they'll just be. The dude is like, what do you. And by the way, there's nothing worse than the 46 year old guy who's really into water skiing and wakeboarding.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just frosted hair and frosted tips and he's into. He looks like, looks like Ty Pennington, but mixed with Cato.

[Brian Bishop]

Kalyn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Kato Kalin, Ty Pennington. And out came this guy on a wakeboard who's a millionaire. And there's a lot of talking about, well, weaving wakeboarding into kind conversations and stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Whatever you do, don't take her wakeboarding on the first date. Well, I heard what Patty said, but I got. She got to know me.

[Adam Carolla]

There's always this part too. Well, it's like they're out to dinner and the guy's Talking to the 23 year old model and he's like, all right, let me see if I can gauge your interest in wakeboarding. It goes from moderate to off the charts. What do you feel about wakeboarding? And then you can see the point. Poor chico. I. Well, I don't. I'd love to try it. Like, you can see like she's spinning like, what the fuck's a wakeboard? And I've never done it before. But she has to pretend like she's game and then it's always smash cut to you. Patty said we should just go out to dinner in a movie. But you know what, we're going to Lake Havasu and it's like, the fuck. And I always think to myself, like, I love napping and beating off.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that would be a good date.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't weave it into the first date. Like, hey, you want to watch me beat and then nap later?

[Steve Little]

Well, you should.

[Adam Carolla]

There's shit I like. Like, I like wrenching on my cars or driving the vintage race car or something. But it's not like we're going out to Sears Point and you're gonna watch me drive. It's no, we're going out to fucking dinner. It's a date. What is?

[Brian Bishop]

And then there's Patty on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

He took you where?

[Brian Bishop]

That sounds like Ms. Garrett.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you sound like the witch. I love it.

[Steve Little]

That also, I know some dudes, like, they're into sports and they're like, oh, I want a Woman into sports. But it's like, why do you want a woman into sport? Like, to me, a woman into sports is like, you know, it's not that girl with a jersey. It's like a. Yeah. Lesbian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the diesel dyke. But the thing. But also, here's the thing. I meet a chick and I'm like. You into sports? No. You like golfing? No. Awesome. There's two things I can do that don't include you. Three years from now that I'm going to where I'm going to get a solitude. The worst is, I mean, look, golf was invented for guys to get away from wives, from black people, Jews and their wives. Like all the big three. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Right? The triumvirate, the action of evil.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All the folks. You need a break from funny now.

[Brian Bishop]

It'S not going to be funny later.

[Adam Carolla]

No, unfortunately, Asians got mixed in and sort of ruined it a little bit. But they keep quiet, so everything's cool. But they're like, look, hey, white guy, you're rich, right? We gotta go somewhere where there's no black people, no chicks and a lot of grass. A lot of grass. A handful of juice. You with me?

[Giovanni]

I'm with you.

[Adam Carolla]

And here's the thing. It's gotta take like 11 hours because I really need a break from the blacks and the chicks.

[Giovanni]

All right, well, the bowling alley's out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bowling alley's no good. There's chicks and blacks there.

[Giovanni]

I like to be outside.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. There's the beach. I want to smoke a cigar. It's gotta be outdoor.

[Giovanni]

No smoking on the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

There's chicks at the beach.

[Giovanni]

There's chicks all over the.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Damn, this is harder than I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to burn a lot of calories like bumper cars.

[Brian Bishop]

Eh?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm too big to get in those things. I got a bad back. I want a place. Look, alright, I'll tell you what. There can be a black guy there, but he's gotta be carrying my shit. He's gotta be like a black Sherpa.

[Giovanni]

There's those batting cages down the road.

[Adam Carolla]

There's black dudes and Mexican dudes there, and occasional lesbian. I need a place that's got Mickey on tap. It's going to take about six, seven hours away from the old lady. Where there's a limited number of black folks. A handful of Jews. I got it. What?

[Giovanni]

My old frat house.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. So we invented golf and no one talks about it, but that's the plan. That's why everyone got freaked out when Tiger woods showed up like a fucking black guy. That was the whole plan. He's ruined our plan.

[Giovanni]

He's black.

[Adam Carolla]

I think, yeah, maybe black fucked up our whole plan. This is gonna get more of them into this, and then our plan. Then we have to come up with a whole new sport. Let's get back into curling. So this is the deal. And so you don't come up. So that thing where it's like, I love wakeboarding, she loves wakeboarding. Now you're on top of each other. It's like that thing where you're working together. Disaster, man. That must be set up, I would.

[Brian Bishop]

Think, because I can't imagine that they could schedule a date and then get a whole camera crew there on the fly at 6:45 near water.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, when the guy. Patty's last words are, look, keep the zipfy board in the locker. You ain't going out, you're going to dinner. You take her to a nice dinner, and then it's always smash cut to whatever sport the guy's into.

[Steve Little]

Did you see the one where the guy was a millionaire because he hauled junk?

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Steve Little]

So he. Then he took the girl to haul junk.

[Adam Carolla]

They gotta cook that.

[Brian Bishop]

They gotta imagine.

[Steve Little]

But I have a theory on that show is you first watch it, and I think at first it kind of makes you hate women because, you know, they just want to go out with the millionaire, no matter who he is. But then when he takes some wakeboarding or he's really boring, or he can't hold a conversation, then they don't like him based on the personality. So then you like women.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It brings you around.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then your mom calls and you hate women again.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, yeah, Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because these guys are such fucking doofuses. And also, once in a while you see their house and you're like, millionaire.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. The house is worth 875 grand, and you got 100 grand in the bag. But I don't know if that makes you millionaire. Like, you'd have to sell your house and then live in a tent. And to technically have a million dollars.

[Giovanni]

It's always net worth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Everything I own together.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like those shows, just when you watch, you just think, oh, I know why you're single.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

They reveal themselves right away.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, here's what the whole show should be. The whole show should be this. Because, Patty, I've always said this, like. And this is why you need guys that you went to high school with in your posse. And then this is the problem with the dudes who get away from those guys and surround themselves with yes men that are on the payroll. You need guys going, hey, dude, you ain't going out in those cowboy boots. That is lame. And put your collar down and take that fucking earring out. You're 44, you just got an earring now and you're not going to get a tribal tattoo or will never stop making fun of you. But when you surround yourself with the help, boss, it looks awesome. Yeah, you look cool with that earring. Then you get fucked up. The whole show should be this. Patty calls in. Patty does the cattle call where she's like, look, I got a couple of, you know, good looking, 42 year old single millionaire millionaires. And we need women to come in here. And then the women come in and half of them have like orange hair. It's like a black chick with orange hair or it's a chick who just doesn't know how to dress or the chick who's wearing the crazy Armenian teenager eye mascara or something like that. And Patty's like, you've got to get your hair fixed. You've got to.

[Brian Bishop]

You can come back, but only if you get your hair straightened.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got to get your hair straightened. You've got to do something you're wearing. You taking a sharpie and doing an outline of your lips doesn't look good. You get your makeup straightened out and then the chick comes back and sometimes they have. And when they have listened to her, you go, oh, yeah, it looks better. And it's all the stuff we're thinking when we're passing you in the mall. But we're not gonna say anything because we don't fucking know you. And for some reason no one in your inner circle said anything to you. And no guy's gonna say anything. That should be the show. Cause she's always right. And it's all the shit we're thinking. It's just no one ever says it.

[Brian Bishop]

But do you think that is really what's keeping anyone safe single?

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, I think I feel like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Stuff is always on the. That is the face of deep personality problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Often I am amazed at how many women don't know how to put themselves together when that's basically their gig. I know I sounded chauvinistic there, but you spend your whole fucking life in front of a mirror trying to make yourself look better and you've come up with orange hair and a black chick. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Steve Little]

Isn't that just Another makeup show, though. Where do the millionaires fit in? Are there no millionaires in this makeover show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're just hypothetical millionaires to draw the chicks in. And then she just. Patty just dresses.

[Brian Bishop]

Intervention, actually, it's like.

[Steve Little]

It's like kind of pumped with millionaires.

[Adam Carolla]

And she'll tell some chick she looks trashy and tell her she looks frumpy.

[Brian Bishop]

What I'm saying is, thinking a woman who doesn't know how to put herself together, is that actually standing in the way of her being in a relationship? Because a lot of ugly people are in relationships. They really are.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? It is not helping when you could be. When you're a six that could be cruising at eight and a half, but you fucked yourself down to a four, it is not helping your cause at all. And I see it a lot. Like, I see women who have big flabby arms wearing sleeveless shit all the time. It's like, alyssa, are you an interior or linemen? What are you doing? And why do you need to be wearing something with no sleeves on it? And you have horrible flabby arms. And by the way, the rest of you is fine. So why are you showing off your weak points? Like, why are you wearing those ski pants when you have a fat ass? There's ways of dressing around it and dealing with it. And I don't understand why more chicks haven't worked that out.

[Steve Little]

Are they just not honest with each other?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's like. It's like it's one big competition, okay?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they're sabotaging each other.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a cock competition. It's sabotage. Yeah, it's a cockpitition. Yeah, it's a cockpitition. And so they say, they sign this cockpitition. Yeah, they say with what? Oh, yeah, this crazy huge, huge O ring from the space shuttle size earrings you're wearing look great on you, Tammy. And so those big fake earrings and that your orange hair looks great and all that kind of stuff. And then they realize when we go at the club tonight, here's one more I'm not gonna have to worry about. Yeah, I think that's what's going on.

[Steve Little]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Little]

So do women even have real friends then?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they don't. They're just trying to sabotage them. Only ones that are. Only ones that aren't as good looking as they are. And the perfect pairing is two chicks who think the other one is less good looking than they are. That's when they'll get along. Yeah. Yeah, that's Right. You see? Just two solid sevens just squaring off.

[Steve Little]

Yeah. That's a friendship for life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's never gonna end.

[Steve Little]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Never.

[Steve Little]

All right, I had an improv student. I taught improv at the Groundlings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And.

[Steve Little]

Yes. And I had a student who was just, like, out of college or whatever. And then not only that, but five years later, he was on the Millionaire Matchmaker. What he became, which one he was.

[Adam Carolla]

The short I haven't memorized.

[Brian Bishop]

No. But I feel like I've seen the same episode, like, four times.

[Steve Little]

He was a smaller dude, like five, four, whatever. And he became a millionaire because he invented this company that if you see celebrities, you're supposed to start taking photos, and then you start taking the photos, and then let's say you get a picture of Kanye West. That's how he started. He got a picture of Kanye west eating dinner, and he didn't know what to do with it. So he invented a company that then you're a regular person. You send it to his company, and then he brokers it with Us Weekly or something like that. And now he's worth. But it's kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

You get 50 bucks, he gets 500 bucks. Right. Kanye gets nothing.

[Steve Little]

I mean, it's kind of a horrible business.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve Little]

To become a millionaire.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he shitty at improv?

[Steve Little]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, as an improv teacher at the Groundlings or ex improv teacher at the Groundlings, you know, on the first day, if someone's got the goods or not. Right?

[Steve Little]

Yeah, you actually really do. There's that exercise when you're supposed to say the Alphabet. A, B, C. And you say it with an emotion, like A, angry, or B.

[Adam Carolla]

And I hated that.

[Steve Little]

But you know what I mean? Like, you can tell pretty much. Some people can't even do that. Some people, if you say, say A sad, they can't like a sad. A really, really, really sad.

[Giovanni]

As long as we're on the subject. I ran. I was at the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

We just got a picture of him.

[Steve Little]

But, hey, he's a nice dude. He's a nice dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Salted there.

[Brian Bishop]

Of course he is. A lie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

[Giovanni]

I was at the Groundlings maybe a year and a half, two years ago, just randomly seeing a show. And I think Eastbound and Down maybe was in its first season, or it just finished its first season and saw Stephen, recognized him. Funniest guy in the cast by far. It was you and 12 hacks.

[Steve Little]

Oh, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Just doing the Alphabet.

[Steve Little]

All you do Alphabet.

[Giovanni]

You did a sketch. And I still think about it. Because it's hilarious. It was a sketch where you were in office setting and the boss had called everyone together for a staff meeting because someone had eaten all the pie.

[Steve Little]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Someone ate all the pie. And Stephen played a guy with just his face covered in pie. The boss, like, I want pointy fingers. I don't want to accuse anybody. Does anybody have any intel on who ate the pie? Steve Pie everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Who. Who was there? Like, I'm. I guess I'm older than you. You don't remember, Like, Cynthia Sigetti, Mindy Sterling. Like that.

[Steve Little]

Well, Mindy Sterling still, like, will direct things from time to time.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. What were some of the horrible beginning games, like, everyone lifting a manhole cover. Everyone lifting giant manhole cover.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, giant manhole cover. Make sure your fingers are the same width apart.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that was always great about that is you take 12 people, you put them in a circle, and it's like you have a giant manhole cover. It is 12ft by 12ft. It weighs 700 pounds, and we're all going to lift it together. So it's like everyone bends down, but there's always one idiot who's like, had it up over his head while everyone else had it down at their knees. You know, like, Brad, but you're. Come down, come down. You're not. Now you didn't clear.

[Giovanni]

I have a question for both of you. Why is there so much emphasis on improv training when 90% of the show is sketches? Like, written, performed sketches?

[Steve Little]

Well, they also do some improv.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they do one or two here.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The. I think, at least at the beginning, it's sort of like. It's sort of like football, where when.

[Brian Bishop]

You start off, they're crushing your spirit, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're breaking you down. It's like, hit the weight room, run the wind sprints, do the drills. But we're not putting pads on yet. And to me, sketch is like putting pads on. Let's get. Let's get the muscles going, let's get the blood flowing, let's learn the basics, and then we'll put the pads on and start hitting. Which was the.

[Steve Little]

Yeah. And the principles of, like, writing and agreeing are the same in improv as in sketch. Kind of. It, like, builds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Once you get that improv muscle worked, then it's a lot easier to write the sketches. Not that I ever found out because I was tossed after advance, but either way.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you ever do the exercise where you have to get on the floor and the teacher will say, okay, you're two years old or you're four years old and you have to wordlessly pretend. Tend to be that age.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done that at home.

[Brian Bishop]

No, this was in an improv class and it was an improv sex game class.

[Adam Carolla]

We did the. We did the, you know, we did the story, you know, like, where you go once.

[Giovanni]

Steve had what?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, perfect. And you'd be one of the guys we know wasn't any good at. Yeah. And dude, like, finished. Finish the story. They do the. The one that I always tell about when I tried out for Party Pals a million years ago, where it's like, finish the machine. Like, add on to the machine. I don't know what that one is. Where I go. And then again, the worst place to go is to start. Yeah. The starting guy has to go for 15 minutes. The end guy goes for 10 seconds. And then they go, all right, that was awesome.

[Steve Little]

Well, the one I think is, like the most, like, fruity or whatever you do is like, okay, you're walking on hot, cold.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Steve Little]

And then it's like, you know, you're knee deep in sand and people are walking around. You're inside of a marshmallow and you're walking. Taste that marshmallow.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of it is to just break you down. Not to help your performing skills, but.

[Brian Bishop]

But to make themselves feel better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, where you just go, oh, this. This is lame. Like, God damn, I've never felt gayer in my life. And then you go do it. And you either do it or you don't do it. It's to get you to like. It's basically saying, put a skirt on and dance around. And if you go fuck that, then you can't do this.

[Steve Little]

Yeah. Like, if you're willing to pretend to walk through a marshmallow and you're like. And you can do that, then you could probably do other silly stuff that.

[Adam Carolla]

Other people walk around pie on your face for five minute sketch. Right.

[Steve Little]

Well, actually, like, actually this season for Eastbound, they asked me right at the beginning, they were like, will you show your dick on camera? You know, And I was like. And I was kind of surprised by my own reaction. Like, I didn't want to show my.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was the chick from craft service. So, like, it was a little out of line.

[Steve Little]

That's true, that's true. But then my one friend who's. Who's like a personal trainer or something, he was like, oh, I wouldn't do that. But it's like. But you also wouldn't have made any of the choices that led you to that point at that time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you have to, like, that's what they're saying. You walk through a marshmallow, show your dick on camera. I mean, the greatest. I mean. And the thing about the dick on camera, it's sort of like saying. It's kind of like, would you do a nude scene? The thing is, when you look good nude, you probably would do a nude scene. Meaning if you had a big dick or at least a dick that was.

[Brian Bishop]

Get out of this one. Get out of this one.

[Steve Little]

Are we saying I'm a small dick? Is that what we're saying?

[Brian Bishop]

You're asking?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying if somebody says. I'll put it to you this way. When there's like a party and people been drinking and it's 2am and somebody says, hey, man, let's go skinny dipping in the hot tub, the dudes with the small dicks and the chicks with the big asses go, you know what? I'm going inside and playing or bumper pool. The guys with the big cocks and the chicks who look good naked are like, all right. So I'm saying usually once in a while you get the guy with the big dick who's Christian or something modest, or the chick that looks hot naked, who's very modest, but for the most part, the chick who knows she looks really hot naked and the guy with the big honker are first into the hot tub.

[Steve Little]

Agreed.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you agree to do this?

[Steve Little]

Well, I guess you'll have to see, but no.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, just wait for it, buddy. I was.

[Giovanni]

I guess I was founded way down.

[Steve Little]

I was surprised by my own inhibitions about that. Whereas other things, you know, like being made a fool and walking through a marshmallow, it's okay with.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

What about showing your ass? Would that have been different?

[Steve Little]

I showed my ass last season.

[Adam Carolla]

How about back Sack?

[Steve Little]

Well, actually, that was. They did. There it is right there. And I'll tell you something about that. So.

[Adam Carolla]

But you only pay for an hour, baby. Oh, right. No, but if I had to see.

[Steve Little]

There you go.

[Brian Bishop]

That is your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let it all out. Let a good return on that dollar. Now, what's the chick wearing in that department?

[Steve Little]

Okay, that chick is wearing a kind of a. She agreed to go naked and then she got a little nervous before. And so she's wearing, like a flesh thong. And you can see my hands, like, sort of around her that's covering her thong. And that camera angle, what was funny about that? That looks like a hotel Room, but it was really like 180 degrees in there. And they kept like. You know how they say, like, okay, move to the left for the lights. And what I didn't realize. I thought it was all about the lights in my face. But I guess that camera behind me, it was so hot in there that my balls from the back, they were seeing them go flapping back and forth. And I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that till later.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a temperature thing. That shows how little I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time you turn on inside the actor studio, you always get that same story about the heat and the balls stretching out.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, it's a heat thing, obviously.

[Giovanni]

He told us about straw dogs, didn't you.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't they give you something that.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, well, in the.

[Brian Bishop]

Some kind of sack. Sack.

[Steve Little]

It was something where it was like, at that. Like the last minute, the wardrobe.

[Adam Carolla]

The wardrobe.

[Steve Little]

I don't know what they were doing, but they gave me. It was basically a. There's something called a sock, but they gave me one, and it was way too small, so. And then. Then they gave me basically a triangle piece of, like, felt or something like that with double stick tape. So it was like, you know, but then I was sweating so much that it just kind of. It kind of sweated off.

[Adam Carolla]

So the. The lady actress, okay.

[Steve Little]

And the. Well, her name is Danae. And the interesting thing that was just. She was like a guest star for that day or whatever, but she actually, like, you look at her and you have all these ideas about her. She has a degree from mit. Designs, like, engineering, like, oil refinery refineries.

[Adam Carolla]

You did some drilling on that refinery. Yeah, exactly. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Why does she do this, then?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Little]

I don't know.

[Giovanni]

What do you think the phone call to her parents was, like, coming to Ben HBO this week.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. Now you're going to be on Boardwalk Empire.

[Larry Miller]

No, no, no, no.

[Giovanni]

It's a.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a.

[Giovanni]

It's a comedy. It's a different show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, Curve. Curb your enthusiasm.

[Giovanni]

No, no, no, A different. Different comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That Ricky Gervais thing, is that it?

[Giovanni]

No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the.

[Giovanni]

Not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not.

[Giovanni]

Not that either.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I don't know.

[Giovanni]

It's Eastbound and down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's good.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

We playing one of the baseball managers or something? A wife of one of the players.

[Giovanni]

It's a guest spot.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Giovanni]

It's a gu. Starring role. People remember me for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, well, listen, just as long as you don't show too much Skin. Stay out of those short shorts is what I'm saying, because they're probably going to have you in some Batgirl outfit. That's kind of titillating. And, you know, we're Christian. You know, we feel about that.

[Giovanni]

Definitely not be wearing anything embarrassing, that much is for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Just as long as some guy with long balls doesn't bang it from behind, I can sleep there.

[Steve Little]

Long balls.

[Giovanni]

Never got to look at the balls, so I have no idea if they're long or not.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, are we gonna do. What can Adam complain about? Yeah, all right. Yeah, why not? Why not do a little stuff? The world is full of it, and.

[Steve Little]

One man can complain about it.

[Adam Carolla]

All this is what can't Adam complain about. All right, you guys, throw in your questions. I think people tweeted in their questions. This time they're up there on the screen. Steve, just to make it fair to show people there's no net. We haven't rehearsed. You just yell out one of the. One of the ones.

[Steve Little]

Okay, I'm gonna yell out Thursday Night Football.

[Adam Carolla]

Thursday Night Football. Football. Well, I didn't watch Thursday Night Football because it always takes me a while to acclimate. Like Monday Night Football, I'm on. But Thursday Night Football, I miss the first few Thursday nights because. I don't know, because they do it in the middle of the season. They should just start it at the beginning of the season. Monday Night Football, Sunday Night Football, and Thursday Night Football. But everyone misses the first week because they do it on week nine and a half. And we've had a full two and a half months of no Thursday Night Football. And then, pow, you're somewhere and you're going, hey, man, did you catch the Raiders playing San Diego? And you're like, no, what do you mean? It's Thursday. And they go, yes, it just started. They fucking sneak it up on you. It's like that fucking daylight savings every year. It comes in every year, caught off guard. Every year it's exactly the same thing. It's Saturday, and I'm listening to the radio, and they go, don't forget to turn your clocks. And I'm like, what? How does it sneak up on me every year? And here's how you know you're a loser when you lose the hour and you're devastated. Like, what? So you're telling me tomorrow morning when it's supposed to be 9am it's really going to be 10am that. That my whole Sunday up. Oh, and then I got. Suppose I got to go to Work. And when I go to work on Monday instead of 8am it's really gonna be 7am that is so fucked up. By the same notion, I never embrace it. When it comes back the other way, when I gain the hour, I'm like, yeah, all right. But when I lose the hour, like I'm a fucking sue those farmers. This is bullshit. So Thursday Night football is great. I want you to tell us on Wednesday. And I want a fucking sky riding dirigible based every street corner, guys ringing bells, town criers. I miss the town crier. Hear he, hear he. The raiders will be going at it with the bolts in a mere 31 hours. That's what I want. From the fucking mountaintop. Or do it like the Muslims do. You know, call to prayer, just sire rage. Sirens going off, letting us know Thursday Night Football's upon us. All right, Steve, pick another.

[Steve Little]

Okay, I'm going to pick. Nothing you can say about shrimp cocktail. That shit's delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

They always get the sauce to shrimp ratio wrong. It's always plenty of sauce left over and all the shrimp consumed. Also the shrimp in general. Not sure what to do with the tail. And then here's the pathetic part. When you go for a second round on the tails, like, you bite it and you eat it and you throw the tail down. Then you buy to eat it. And then you get through your six shrimp, but you still have a gallon worth of the sauce left. And you go, you know what? I don't know if I thoroughly sucked off every one of those shrimps or not. Let me see what we got here. And then you pick up the tail, but you have to look around like. Because it's sort of like you feel like a raccoon sifting through your own garbage at that point where you're like, is anyone else seeing me do this? And then you go, looks like there's a little bit on here. By the way, 10 minutes ago, there was not enough on this shriek shrimp for me to pick it up again. Now it's the best choice I have. It's the best in the lot. And then you dip it back in the sauce. That sauce must be free. And I don't know what that sauce is. It's not ketchup, it's not ranch. It's not even secret sauce. It's not related in any way, shape or form to mayonnaise or it's related to horseradish. I think it's like ketchup and horseradish. The first guy who tasted horseradish and said, and if somebody could have found the guy who invented horseradish and said, we're gonna sell 10 billion metric tons of this in the next hundred years, he would went, are you high? I can't breathe right now. My eyes are watering. No way. So get the ratio right. I don't like it when they do that with anything where they take the cheapest thing and that's where they like when you get the salad and has the huge pile of shredded lettuce and then that's one little sliver of avocado at the top. I don't like that. If you're gonna put it in there, you get the ratio right. It is amazing that Vegas moves more shrimp than any other place on the planet. I mean, it is insane. The place that is the hottest, most barren strip of land on the planet sells the thing that crawls along along the sea floor and moves more of it than any than the entire country of Greece.

[Steve Little]

Is that a fact or you just.

[Adam Carolla]

I made it up. But that is to me. Okay, gotcha. No, no, it's a fact.

[Steve Little]

Okay, It's a fact.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a fact. Yeah, well, who's giving them a run for their money? No, in the shrimp department. What do you got, Laughlin? I don't think so. All right, what else you got, Steve?

[Steve Little]

How about veterans?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's veterans. Oh, well, we pre taped this show. Yeah, I gotta work that one out. Yeah, the thing about veterans is I want to know what you did before I label you a hero. You know what I'm saying? Could have been in the rear with the gear. Could have had a gig pushing papers around. You know, for all I know, I just basically paid for you to get an education and bought you a free pair of boots. And I didn't get rid. You know, the thing about being the veterans is 90% of the guys are just moving the gear from one place to the next, setting up shit, emptying latrines, doing that kind of stuff. You got your Navy SEALs, but let's face all, you guys ain't in that Chinook helicopter taking out Benny Layton and his terrible towels. Most of you're just hanging around sharpening pencils. So again, I know it's a little bit insulting, but before I heap the praise on you, I want to know if you saw funny action. I want to see, you know, show me a little shrapnel wound or something. I want to talk about you diving on a grenade or yelling, you know, we're going home, buddy, where you threw a guy over your shoulder. And explain to him we're going home. But when I say home, I mean a hospital that you'll never leave. But I'm. All I'm saying is I want to know that you did something same way with cop and firemen. I want you out there kicking indoors at gang bangers. If I find out you just hang around the precinct polishing shoes, you ain't a hero. So excuse me, but not all veterans get the love. I want to know the difference between the guys are out on the field and the guys that just come in on the kick return. Thank you.

[Steve Little]

Okay, how about Adam? Can't complain about BJ's.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about the wildly successful TV series from the 70s.

[Steve Little]

I thought we were talking about the restaurant up the street.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I can complain about guys who complain about blowjobs because there are a lot of guys that are like, yeah, she didn't give me a good blowjob. Really? Never had a bad blowjob. Kind of up there with hoagies. Like, there's good hoagies and there's great hoagies, but I never had one where I took one bite of it and then set it down. Blowjobs are all good. And this is more on the dudes. Stop focusing on the swallowing. You fucked up everything completely for guys and their blowjobs. I don't know why you're so fucking hell bent on the swallowing part. You need to focus on the transportation of said semen, not the ingestion of semen. Meaning once I'm done with it, do a it what you will. You can spit it into a potted plant, you can ingest it, you can spit it into the toilet, you can shoot it at a tabby. I don't care what you're doing with it. It's out of me. It's now your thing. It's. I always say it's like following your garbage man out to the street going, and what are you going to do with it? Who gives a. Either it's going to be sitting on a pile with seagulls pecking on it, or it's going into a landfill and turned into natural gas. The point is, it's out of my kitchen. That's what I want. Once the semen's gone, it's gone and bugging chicks. You swallow? Do you swallow? Will you swallow? Can you swallow that? Then ends up up for all of us. Because then they're like, you know what? No blowjobs. And I don't swallow. And I'm up in My head about it. Let's change it from, do you swallow? To do you transport? Will you take my loving package of semen and deposit it into the toilet for me? Thank you. I heard she transports, yes. All righty then. I know that's it. That's. That was. What can't Adam complain about? Now hold on and listen, you guys. You, you, you Skull Palmers, you're also it up for the guy. Like. And then he grabbed my head and it's like, don't ruin it for everybody. It's sort of like, here's what the blowjob is.

[Brian Bishop]

I just watched two little kids walk by, Stephanie and her kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my point. It's like the pumpkin that's put out front and on Halloween. And they go, listen, we're out of town. Please take one piece of candy, per. Per. And you just dump all your shit into a pillowcase. You palm, you Skull Palmers. You're fucking it up for everyone because you will get with the chick that was formerly with the crazy Skull Palmer. And she'd be like, I can't do that because I feel weird every time. And I can't help but think about. And then not only do you not get the bj, you have to hear about the old boyfriend who did get the BJ, but then ruined your bj. Knock it off with the grabbing of the skull. You're getting blown. Not enough for you.

[Giovanni]

I just learned there's a name for that, by the way. There is a college friend of mine, female friend, called it the ten pound Hat.

[Steve Little]

The Ten pound hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gave her the ten pound hat.

[Brian Bishop]

That almost makes it worth it. Not because I like hats, but because it's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Yeah. And Then comes the 10 gallon smoothie. Smoothie. It's good stuff.

[Steve Little]

Those are some excellent points you made.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I should teach a class at the Grand Lake.

[Steve Little]

On compl or just on shrimp.

[Adam Carolla]

I could do that thing where I lifted the man all together.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. You guys are all trapped in a marshmallow. I'm gonna go smoke.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, yeah. See you in 20 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll see you in 20. Right. Steve Little, the movie. Oh, we didn't talk about the movie. Tell us about the movie.

[Steve Little]

It's called the Catechism. Cataclysm. And basically I play a priest and I accidentally dropped my box in the toilet. And then I go on a sort of a journey with an old high school buddy of mine who wrote it, this guy named Todd Rojal who did a movie called A Guatemalan handshake. And then he's got one coming out with Johnny Knoxville and Pat Noswal and those dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the budget and how can you shoot a movie? Can you shoot a movie, like, digitally and do it on the cheap these days?

[Steve Little]

Yeah, like, this movie was. I think it was $50,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve Little]

Yeah. And we shot it in 12 days. And so, you know, we didn't have that many different locations or whatever, but we shot it on a river and. Yeah, so I guess anybody can shoot a movie. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you can't write a movie. That's the problem.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in select theaters. It's on video, on demand. Catechism. Cataclysm.com is where you go if you'd like to check it out. Also look for Eastbound and Down. Yes.

[Giovanni]

The wave of the future is the releasing the films in theater and then on demand, too. People that can see it everywhere.

[Steve Little]

Yeah, I think. I think, like, IFC charges, like, eight bucks, so essentially getting the same.

[Giovanni]

More money because the theater's not taking their cut, you're essentially gonna make the same money or more.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a way to support folks that are out there doing. Doing their thing. And does Adam Sandler really need your money that badly? Let's say he's doing okay.

[Brian Bishop]

His twin sister doesn't need it either.

[Adam Carolla]

Al Pacino's hot for her, though. That's always how it works. It's cartoons. That's what happens in cartoons. John Goodman puts on a wig and a skirt, and then someone goes, who is this fetching young lady here? It's always the boss. Like, really? You're in love with that.

[Steve Little]

Is Alucino in that movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Alucino's in the movie. And is. Got it bad for Sandler because we all know that if you shaved and put a wig on, I would have it bad for you.

[Steve Little]

No, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazon, by the way, you want to support the show? You can support the show. You can support it through Amazon. And you go through our website, and we got the link. And we've also added the Amazon, UK and Canada, because people keep saying, we listen to show in Canada and we're in the UK and we want to show some love. Go ahead, Canucks. Go ahead, Ox. Support, support, support. We love every second of it. You can find the link under the Support the show [e-mail] all right, so. And by the way, I'm coming to Philly, Detroit, Chicago and Denver. Coming up, baby. Philly Next Thursday, December 1st, my home town. Let's not this one up. So until next time, all the live shows [e-mail] as well. Till next time, Sam Pearl for Steve Little Ball, Brian and Alison Rosen saying Mahala. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Giovanni]

It was Adam Cola show 696. Steve Little's so far only appearance on the Adam Cola show of you guys enjoyed it. Until next weekend, this has been Corolla Classics, Mahalo and Get It On.