Kevin Nealon + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show - "Kevin Nealon + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)"

Episode Information:

• Title: Kevin Nealon + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)
• Release Date: June 20, 2025
• Host: Adam Carolla
• Guests: Kevin Nealon, Alison Rosen, Bryan Bishop
• Podcast Description: A blend of unfiltered humor, sharp insights, and candid discussions on pop culture and everyday life, featuring engaging conversations with a diverse range of guests.

---

1. Introduction to Carolla Classics

The episode begins with Adam Carolla introducing "Carolla Classics," a segment dedicated to highlighting memorable moments from the show's 16-year history. Giovanni serves as the host, welcoming listeners and setting the stage for the featured clip.

2. Featured Clip: Conversation with Kevin Nealon and Bryan Bishop (00:00 - 02:28)

The selected clip showcases a lighthearted and humorous interaction between Adam Carolla, Kevin Nealon, and Bryan Bishop. Kevin Nealon humorously fills in for Adam Carolla, playfully addressing themes of tardiness and everyday frustrations.

Notable Quote:

• Kevin Nealon (02:35): "He's both tardy and tarty."
• Bryan Bishop (02:58): "They're from no complaint dot org."

3. Discussion on Personal Challenges and Coping Mechanisms (02:28 - 06:20)

The conversation shifts to more personal topics as Kevin Nealon shares the recent diagnosis of his wife, Susan, with stage one melanoma. The trio discusses the emotional toll of the diagnosis, emphasizing stoicism and support.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon (05:15): "People do complain a lot."
• Kevin Nealon (06:20): "It's 100% curable."

4. Navigating Relationships and Communication (06:20 - 18:10)

The dialogue delves into the dynamics of male-female communication, particularly focusing on the tendency of men to rant without fully engaging in emotional validation. They explore the concept of "complaining bracelets" as a tool to reduce unnecessary complaints and encourage more meaningful conversations.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon (12:06): "He just thinks a lot about things... that is complaining in my area, too."
• Brian Bishop (14:05): "I have stage one melanoma... that's really not complaining."

5. Reflections on Fame and Personal Projects (18:10 - 32:25)

Kevin Nealon discusses his ventures in stand-up comedy, including developing new material through live performances and social media engagement. The conversation touches on his role in the show "Glenn Martin DDS," highlighting his creative endeavors alongside notable guest stars.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon (24:35): "I would love to be a hostage negotiator."
• Kevin Nealon (32:10): "We're the opposite. We have nothing. We hold on to nothing."

6. Handling Accusations and Public Perception (32:25 - 51:08)

The hosts address serious topics such as sexual misconduct allegations, referencing high-profile cases like Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. They discuss the importance of handling accusations with integrity and the challenges posed by modern technology in verifying claims.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (44:24): "I have a whole new set of flies... I'm not getting that involved."
• Alison Rosen (51:45): "He's gonna have to."

7. The Balance Between Personal Life and Public Persona (51:08 - 74:00)

The episode explores the tension between maintaining a public image and managing personal relationships. Bryan Bishop shares his experiences dealing with his father's health issues, emphasizing the strain it places on familial bonds and personal well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Brian Bishop (66:06): "We're big cricket fans."
• Kevin Nealon (69:10): "Here's how I feel about collecting things."

8. Relationships, Trust, and Emotional Support (74:00 - 99:44)

The conversation returns to the theme of relationships, focusing on trust, emotional support, and the complexities of maintaining long-term commitments. They discuss strategies for validating partners' feelings and the importance of open communication to foster strong relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Alison Rosen (84:35): "He tried to do it for attention."
• Adam Carolla (86:05): "I like that. When you discuss that with my council."

9. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts (99:44 - End)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the day's discussions, reiterating the importance of empathy, understanding, and communication in both personal and public spheres. They emphasize the value of support systems and maintaining a balanced outlook despite life's challenges.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (113:03): "We're still like a bunch of guys getting caught cheating because the chicks are looking at this."
• Alison Rosen (119:02): "You're such a lawyer. First off, I've seen those."

---

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional Validation: The importance of genuinely listening and validating emotions in relationships.
• Handling Accusations: Navigating public allegations with integrity and the role of technology in modern-day scrutiny.
• Balancing Personal and Public Life: Maintaining personal relationships while managing a public persona.
• Support Systems: Relying on friends and family during personal and health challenges.
• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Using humor to address and alleviate personal and interpersonal tensions.

---

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show offers a blend of humor and deep, candid conversations about personal struggles, relationships, and the complexities of public life. Through the engaging presence of Kevin Nealon and insightful contributions from Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop, listeners gain a nuanced perspective on navigating life's challenges with resilience and humor.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's the deal. I don't need Glow in the Dark anything. I need peace, quiet, and a place to sit. But apparently the kids want energy shots that light up like a laser show. So here we are. Introducing 5 Hour Energy Glow Motion. Same jolt as your morning coffee, zero sugar, and now a bottle that glows under UV light. It's two ounces. That's it. You blink and it's gone. Just like your dignity after singing karaoke. Great for ravers, gamers, marathon runners, or anyone who needs to stay vertical through a PTA meeting. Go to FiveHouseEnergy.com and grab the new Glow Motion flavor. Or wait till it hits Amazon in June. If you're the kind of person who also waits six months to see a movie your friend's already ruined, you buy.

[Brian Bishop]

A pair of socks, that's two socks. You buy a pair of Bombas socks, that's four socks.

[Adam Carolla]

Because one purchased is one donated.

[Brian Bishop]

Socks are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of.

[Adam Carolla]

Super comfortable Bombas socks, you're also donating a pair.

[Brian Bishop]

Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds.

[Brian Bishop]

Go to bombas.com wondry and use code wondry for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B-A S.com wondry and use code Wondry at checkout.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Coral Classics.

[Giovanni]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast where we're the.

[Giovanni]

Best moments, highlights and fence like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available as an exclusive premium bonus.

[Adam Carolla]

Fee through Podcast one Premium.

[Giovanni]

You can find the show there ad free. Check it out and sign up if you'd like to find other ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new show Beat It out. Check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and.

[Kevin Nealon]

If you'd like to request a clip.

[Giovanni]

Please email us classicsdamcorolla.com now on to.

[Adam Carolla]

The clips coming up.

[Giovanni]

First we Got Adam Carla Show 288. This one's featuring Ball Brian, Brian Bishop, of course guest Kevin Nealon along with his wife Susan. It's from 2010. It's a couple of months prior to when they switched formats to the old radio show format. Hope you enjoy this nice change of pace.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hi. Kevin Nealon here, sitting in for the tardy Adam Carolla. But he will be here in minutes, I'm told. Yeah, which usually means what, Half hours?

[Giovanni]

That's Adam time.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but I'm here with bald Brian.

[Giovanni]

Did you call him tardy as in late or tarty as in, like, sweet?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, he's both tardy and tarty.

[Giovanni]

I gotcha.

[Kevin Nealon]

And a little bit bitter. Probably more bitter than tardy or tardy. Yeah, it's part of your tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have no idea where he is. He's probably looking for a part for one of his cars.

[Giovanni]

All I know is Donnie was having a conversation with him a few minutes ago and it ended with whatever. Just get in your car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So. So I'm driving over here. You know, I live down in the South Bay, Right. And this is a really. A little bit too far for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't think I'll be coming back again.

[Giovanni]

This is not a pleasant drive.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's not a pleasant drive. Especially when you don't trust the GPS system. We did the JFK junior Thing. Actually, I did. I didn't trust the.

[Giovanni]

I know. That ends.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, we didn't end up in the ocean.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

But we did end up on the 2 freeway going the wrong way.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it just didn't look like the right exit. You know, when you. You come up on something, you think, this does not feel right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You get that hunch.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the GPS doesn't always steer you right. It kind of takes you around different ways, I think. No, no, that's wrong. And I'm not complaining because my wife and I got these no complaining wristbands. Where are they from?

[Brian Bishop]

They're from no complaint dot org. Oh, complaint free world dot org.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I heard them on.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you heard. On the Oprah station in the car. And you can't always trust that station either.

[Giovanni]

Susan, by the way, is your wife. Or at least you're calling her your wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

She's my wife. Okay.

[Giovanni]

For the viewers who have no idea who that voice is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So this is my current.

[Giovanni]

No complaining wristband.

[Kevin Nealon]

No complaining wristband. Yeah. And it's very difficult. It makes you realize how much you complain every day about things. You're about to complain, you go, oh, I got the wristband on.

[Giovanni]

Please put that on Adam when he.

[Adam Carolla]

Gets here and see what happens.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think it'd burn if I put.

[Giovanni]

It mine like holy water on a vampire. It would melt on his wrist.

[Brian Bishop]

The Goal is to go 21 days without having to move it to the other arm. So if you complain, it goes to the other wrist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Giovanni]

Sort of like. Okay. Sort of like snapping rubber band on yourself when you do something you're not supposed to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly.

[Kevin Nealon]

But that doesn't really seem like a big enough penalty just to switch it to the other wrist. It should be. You should have to have it snap. Somebody snap it 20 times at you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Otherwise you're like. And another thing, your cluster. Like switching back and forth in the same conversation.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it works for me. I'm also doubling it up as a no sweets thing, too. Nice. And sometimes I'll have a sweet, though, and I won't complain. So I have to wear both in the same together like this.

[Giovanni]

You complain about having sweets?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think more and more people should wear these because people do complain a lot.

[Giovanni]

You're telling me. I said next to Adam Carolla for three and a half years.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know people complain a lot, but he is ranting. He rants, doesn't he?

[Giovanni]

He's an outlier, as one might say. You know? And he complains more than the average person. Yeah, the average person does a fair.

[Kevin Nealon]

Amount of complaining, but he just thinks a lot about things and every angle on them and how it should be and why it's wrong. I guess that is complaining in my area, too.

[Brian Bishop]

What is complaining? Because I can say I have stage one melanoma, just to give an example. That's really not complaining. It's more giving feedback. Or I can say, oh, poor me, I have stage one melanoma.

[Kevin Nealon]

Susan just learned this morning that she has stage. Stage one melanoma. But it's off of the.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's off of the old charts.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's 100 curable.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

But they have to take a little chunk out of it.

[Brian Bishop]

I have to have surgery on my leg. My thigh.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

They dig out whatever's going on.

[Brian Bishop]

Big chunk.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

That'll be fun.

[Brian Bishop]

But I'm not complaining.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? We're not complaining. You're actually looking forward to it. I can't wait.

[Kevin Nealon]

But. And I know we're going to be hearing about. She's going to be starting a melanoma One group.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know. Wow.

[Giovanni]

Well, this is an exciting announcement, but no.

[Kevin Nealon]

We have this dermatologist who's very conservative.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't we have Susan jump on the couch? It's weird. There's this invisible voice that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Slide in next.

[Giovanni]

Come on, jump between us.

[Adam Carolla]

That's magnetic for everybody. There you go.

[Giovanni]

This is Susan.

[Brian Bishop]

Hi. Hi.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is the person that'll be playing Susan.

[Brian Bishop]

And here's my melanoma right here. Big chunk out there.

[Kevin Nealon]

But no, we found this doctor who's this? Dermatologist. Or maybe he's a throat specialist. I don't know what he is. He says a lot of people, they don't know when to get the melanomas out. Sure. They wait until it becomes melanoma, when you really should be going and getting it as it's like they have different levels, like 2, 3, and get it before it turns into melanoma.

[Brian Bishop]

You get some mold before melanoma?

[Giovanni]

This is a stupid question, but this is a skin thing, obviously. So when they remove it, it won't affect you too much in terms of your muscle being affected, your recovery, whatever you have to do afterwards?

[Kevin Nealon]

Technically, no. But she will be laid up for.

[Brian Bishop]

A couple months and I'll get as many volume as he'll let me have.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sylvia, no. So that. That's going to come in really handy for her. Yeah. In the next few days.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, it was. It started today here on this hand. And then I was complaining about having melanoma and I had to move it.

[Giovanni]

Okay. How dare you complain about having cancer.

[Brian Bishop]

I know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Come on. But what is it called? What's your condition? Because she's got lots of molds. You could take a pencil and do like the galaxy thing, you know?

[Giovanni]

Let's do that. We're streaming live.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, It's. It's. There's a technical. It's in my handbag, actually. I'll grab it.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, that's all right. Don't worry about it. I'll make that one. It's called plastic.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like Zeta Shawshank Redemption.

[Giovanni]

Okay, so it's very complicated.

[Kevin Nealon]

No? What do you got going there, Bry?

[Giovanni]

Speaking of which, I wonder if I could do 30 seconds of business, as they say in the radio world. The company that did the bar, the sake. The sake company, as I say in Japan, did the sake for my charity event back in November, is having their own charity event. It's called Sake Fever. It's the Palms Hotel on April 9, and it's from 7 to 10pm and all proceeds go to the Lou Rubo center for Brain Health, which is very important. There's over 300 highly acclaimed sakes. And if you want tickets, email Unlvino. It's a pun. You got it. Unlvino @outherwine.com. and tickets are 50 bucks, or they're 75 bucks in the door. You can get them there. And they're a good company. They came to my aid when I needed them and they provided all the free sake for my event. And they're doing their own event, so you should support them.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love that they're having sake at something that relates to the brand because.

[Giovanni]

That'S just in case your brain cells aren't scrambled enough. Do some sake shots.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, that's really where it's all going, right?

[Giovanni]

It's going to the brain, filtering out all the impurities.

[Kevin Nealon]

Put them right in the brain. Do you like your sake cold or hot?

[Giovanni]

I prefer it cold.

[Kevin Nealon]

Cold sake.

[Brian Bishop]

I like to turn it into champagne.

[Giovanni]

Oh, see, I'm with you. I don't like sake that much, period.

[Kevin Nealon]

Cold or hot sake, to me, it's like it smells like ether or something. You know what I mean? It smells like it should be in a chemistry lab.

[Giovanni]

I agree.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it really does give you a good buzz. Yeah, I'll tell you that.

[Giovanni]

You ever do the sake bombs, you know what I'm saying, where you pound the table? You ever do that?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Sake bomb.

[Giovanni]

Oh, the sake bombs. Well, I was. I was in a fraternity, so I know about these things. So what you do is you set up your. You set up your beer. So, mug of beer right here. And then you set up the two chopsticks on top, almost as a bridge. And then you put the sake on the two chopsticks. You pound the table. The percussion makes the chopsticks, you know, fall to the side. The sake falls in the beer. And you. Your mom.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think he's ever pounded a table. I'm still waiting.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, I can't. I really can't drink a lot anymore.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

I used to start on Thursdays. That was my weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It was a weekend. And it would be tequila or Jack Daniels, you know, and. And I could. And I could do it, and Monday I'd be fine. But as I got into my 30s, I thought, I can't do this anymore, you know? And I stopped doing it. And now if I have like a couple shots of tequila, like on a Saturday, I'm still dragging on Monday.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

That's especially tough because you live, you said, in the South Bay. For those outside of LA who don't know, that's a. That's not a party town.

[Kevin Nealon]

Blue collar town.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I wouldn't say a blue blood town, maybe.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, it's like Allentown.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

It's party town, USA is what it is. It's a good time.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a better place for like college kids.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, and stuff that. People that want to surf and things like that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So we're actually moving. You know, we sold our house. Closed yesterday. High five.

[Giovanni]

Congratulations.

[Kevin Nealon]

But the problem is we don't have a place to live now. We're pretty much.

[Brian Bishop]

So we're looking at this place, actually.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right. We'll clear out Ace's cars out of the back.

[Giovanni]

I don't see why that would be a problem.

[Kevin Nealon]

But here's the thing. We rented our house back from the guy we sold it to.

[Giovanni]

Oh my gosh.

[Kevin Nealon]

Isn't that crazy?

[Giovanni]

That's awesome.

[Kevin Nealon]

For him, he became our landlord.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And now we're just renters.

[Giovanni]

That's fantastic.

[Kevin Nealon]

But we had to move out because we live on this. You know, you talk about college kids. We live on this walk street. And in the summer especially parties galore. I mean like spring break type of parties. Classic red beer cups everywhere.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's like 3 o' clock in the morning and there's got kids out in front of our house yelling, kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, party with us, Gilmore.

[Brian Bishop]

Hallucinations of them at five in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel the flow.

[Giovanni]

Feel the flow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And tap.

[Adam Carolla]

Tap.

[Kevin Nealon]

I personally enjoy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

But for other people.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Your wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

It'll be a problem.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And then the baby is. How old is it? Is it still a baby?

[Brian Bishop]

It's our child. And he's three.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it wakes up. And once the baby's up, that's. That's. Then they have to pay help. You know, the people partying.

[Giovanni]

That's a problem.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it got to. It was originally we wouldn't even call the cops because, you know, because you've been there but yourself and you're younger.

[Giovanni]

I don't think there are cops in your neck of the woods.

[Kevin Nealon]

They don't show up.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, they got parking tickets and that's it.

[Kevin Nealon]

They do. You've been down there? Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you know I backed into a parking meter made a couple weeks ago.

[Giovanni]

That's awesome, buddy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Grabbed it to the truck. Good. Yeah. Get in a dark garage and I put a nice dent in the. In the car.

[Giovanni]

Good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yours or theirs? Mine.

[Adam Carolla]

Go. Wow.

[Giovanni]

That's not so good.

[Kevin Nealon]

But they couldn't just.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. I was gonna suggest if you guys wanted to take a couple phone calls.

[Kevin Nealon]

We're having a great little conversation here.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, what do I do best? Interrupt. So just. You can take the phone calls whenever you want. Okay. Show you how this works real quick. Phone's off. And just pick the lines you want.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just. And just pick the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then when you're done, hit calm line.

[Adam Carolla]

That will disconnect the.

[Kevin Nealon]

Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'm curious. Remember the party at Adams Malibu house? Who was drinking the red wine?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that was me.

[Adam Carolla]

That was you.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, that was me.

[Adam Carolla]

You were pinstriping Adam's white carpet.

[Kevin Nealon]

Should we talk about that? He's already touching it.

[Brian Bishop]

I am still mortified. I feel awful about it.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was a perfect type of carpet, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It was pure white.

[Brian Bishop]

Pure white.

[Kevin Nealon]

Red line.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a Hansel and Gretel. Trail of red dots all the way across.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was almost like somebody. It was that time of the month and they realized that they had to go.

[Brian Bishop]

That time it was kind of like after birth, just dripping.

[Kevin Nealon]

At a party.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, at a party.

[Giovanni]

Well, hold on. The Adam Carola I know does not like to repeat stories. So there's no way we're going to get into that when he gets here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he's told that. I've heard him tell that story many times.

[Giovanni]

I've heard him tell that story many times, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's got to repeat stuff because that's how he builds up his repertoire.

[Giovanni]

I was going to say Adam. Adam can't hear us right now, obviously. So why don't you and I, if we can think of a couple things we know Adam will bring up when he gets here. Because Kevin Nealon is a regular guest on the show.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's been here a few times since Susan's here, too. He'll definitely bring up the rug.

[Giovanni]

The wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Let's put a bet on that.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

The wine for sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Bring up the wine thing. He'll ask about the kid.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the cars, how he was messing with the cars. I told Susan, in fact, and I told Susan. We can mess with Adam if you come into the room here and start messing with the cars. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Start throwing this priceless car. That'll be a lot of fun.

[Brian Bishop]

I knew how often I went and Googled in Malibu rug cleaners. I wanted to send them as a gift. Free rug cleaning.

[Giovanni]

That's fantastic.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So we should still.

[Kevin Nealon]

But Adam said no.

[Brian Bishop]

He said no. That they. That Jimmy and Sarah cleaned it up. Right. We all. Well, we all.

[Kevin Nealon]

He didn't really say no. He goes, well, if you want to.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but we should have insisted on that.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

We owe him about a thousand dollars in rug cleaning.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's how much it costs us to get out there.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, true.

[Kevin Nealon]

So he owes us, basically.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. Let's take you guys. Brooke, even you want to take a call?

[Kevin Nealon]

Let's take a call.

[Giovanni]

Let's take a call. You have a choice. You want to take a call. When will Kevin be doing his web show live on stage or you want to talk about the new season of Weeds?

[Kevin Nealon]

It's up to you. Let's take both of them at the same time.

[Giovanni]

All right. Yeah, we'll see how this works. Now we'll do one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Matt, can you hear us?

[Caller]

Yes, I'm here.

[Giovanni]

Matt from LA. You're 22 years old.

[Kevin Nealon]

He knows that. Brian, our listeners don't know. Okay.

[Giovanni]

People do listen.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

All right, Matt from la, what's your question for Kevin Nealon?

[Caller]

I just wanted to know. I saw this show that he did. He was like interviewing people at the Laugh Factory. I saw it online and it was really funny. He had like Mike Epps. Paul Rodriguez was talking about constipation. It was so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was wondering when he's gonna.

[Caller]

Be back in the Laugh Factory doing that. I wanted to go see it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, that is actually on the Internet now, I think, if you go to thelafffactory.com but I do have a lot of fun doing that. I'm doing tonight, in fact, a live show at the Laugh Factory every Tuesday. Typically when I'm in town and we get. What we do is we get, I come up and I do like. I don't call it new material, I call it areas because there's no material there. But there could be, right? Sometimes when you get on stage in.

[Alison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

Link up with your BFF and before.

[Anderson]

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[Kevin Nealon]

Results will vary.

[Anderson]

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[Kevin Nealon]

You just come up with stuff out of fear. It could evolve and it evolves.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then I, I bring up like maybe seven or eight different comedians. They'll do like five or six minutes of new areas and. And then I'll sit down and interview them, try to come up with more new material. Because as a comic, you know, that's priceless to come up with new material. And it's so seldom.

[Brian Bishop]

But isn't it a way to not commit to something, to say it's an area? Because if it doesn't go well, you can say it's just an area. Like our wedding vows. That's just an area I do.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an idea.

[Giovanni]

It's a notion.

[Brian Bishop]

The idea of I do is an area.

[Kevin Nealon]

By the way, I think when people renew their vows, right. Somebody cheated. Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

That is for me, because my parents were in their vows last year.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, good. On renewal.

[Brian Bishop]

We never go to vow renewals. We throw them in the trash.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Why should we have to drive all the way out to your parents house. Yeah. When your dad cheated on you to see your crap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

This is bad news for me because I'm what June 27th will be one year of marriage for me. I'll be here. So thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

So are you gonna renew your vows?

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm asking you. Saying no, don't renew the vows.

[Kevin Nealon]

Don't renew the vows.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a signal.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a signal.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, somebody's been in somebody else's pedunk dunk.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's right. Okay. That's right, Matt, you're 24 now. That's right. So anyway, I hope that answered your question.

[Anderson]

So you said, you said you're doing that tonight?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, cool.

[Caller]

What time?

[Kevin Nealon]

Eight o' clock.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Caller]

I'm trying to go.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right, man. Bring some areas with you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Thanks, Kevin. I'm a big fan.

[Giovanni]

See you there, Matt.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, so that's been good.

[Giovanni]

Very smoothly. How we just talked to that collar on the lawn.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's. I like doing that. I've come up with a lot of. I come up with new material by doing the Laugh Factory in Hollywood and also by doing Twitters.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And if you send out a joke on the Twitter and a lot of people retweet it, you know it's solid.

[Giovanni]

You know it's solid.

[Kevin Nealon]

It becomes. It goes from being area to a joke.

[Giovanni]

It's a litmus test, if you will.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is a litmus.

[Giovanni]

Litmus. What are you on Twitter, by the way?

[Kevin Nealon]

Evan Nealon.

[Giovanni]

Kevin. Underscore Nealon.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, cool. Sukiyegli.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I have an Asian name.

[Giovanni]

Wow, awesome. I've seen you a couple times live up to the Hermosa Comedy Club. Comedy and Magic Club.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right. I'll be there this Thursday with Howie Mandel.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yep, it's. We're doing the fundraiser for friendsofbigjoe.com friendsofbigjoe.Com youm can go to that site to get more information and tickets. But yeah, a friend of mine, Joe, came down with skin cancer, stage four. It's not melanoma one, but he did.

[Brian Bishop]

Not complain about it.

[Giovanni]

Didn't complain about it. Otherwise he would have lost all rights and privileges.

[Kevin Nealon]

But so, you know, he's undergone a lot of radiation treatments and he's got insurance. But even with that, because it's so expensive, the co pay thing. Yeah, I know. He can't work, you know, you Went through some of that stuff.

[Giovanni]

That's it. People don't hurt.

[Kevin Nealon]

Interrupt.

[Giovanni]

You people don't get it with the insurance thing. They're like, oh, oh, yes, insurance will be fine. Insurance A, is expensive. B, the stuff on top of that, insurance doesn't cover everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean? That's right. Plus, you got your strip clubs you still want to go to. You want to maintain your lifestyle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's therapy, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Giovanni]

I'm writing that off.

[Kevin Nealon]

That is therapy. Let's go to line one.

[Giovanni]

Line one.

[Adam Carolla]

Jason.

[Giovanni]

Ooh, we're getting a call from Cincinnati. Jason from Cincinnati. What's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, guys. How you doing?

[Giovanni]

What's happening?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I just want to ask Kevin, what can you tell us to expect from Doug and our other friends on Weeds? And when does the new season start?

[Kevin Nealon]

Hold on.

[Giovanni]

What's Weeds?

[Kevin Nealon]

Weeds is a show on Showtime. Yeah. Going into the sixth season. We only do, like, 13 a year.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

So it's such a long hiatus. But you know what? It takes a while to grow a good crop, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If you will.

[Kevin Nealon]

If you will. So, yeah, so we start taping next month in April, and I think the shows start airing near the end of July or August. Beginning of August. And my character will be back and some interesting turns this year, like, every year. Did you watch last season?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, absolutely. I've watched them all. Last season was fantastic.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, take it easy.

[Giovanni]

All right, Calm down.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm glad you like it. Yeah. So you know what happened at the end of last season? So I've got a feeling that. And I don't know what the writers have, you know, what they're conjuring up in store. In store. But I think some. Somebody's gonna have to be on the run. I think some people are gonna have to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. And it's gonna be. It's gonna be. What's it gonna be?

[Giovanni]

How much do they tell you about your storyline ahead of time? You know what I'm saying? Like, how much do you know?

[Kevin Nealon]

Not too much, really.

[Giovanni]

You know, a week in advance, you know?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. You know, like the week before. And they'll tell you at the beginning of the season, they'll basically say, this is kind of your character is taking this kind of direction.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, but also, things change because they don't have the whole season written out.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like with Lost. Oh, I used to love that show. I still love it. I want to watch, you know, the last two or three seasons.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I did get Lost A couple years ago.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Lost and.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's got me lost and. But I understand that they. They never really know where they're going.

[Giovanni]

No, the makeup is they go along. They're playing Jets. They're like, Showtime, Lakers.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, why. Why. What is it with the Lakers, man?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what? I just can't root for the Lakers.

[Giovanni]

No, I can't either. I'm from Northern California. I can't root for the Lakers.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, I'm sure they're nice guys. No, no, no.

[Giovanni]

They're all bad people. Except Derek Fisher.

[Kevin Nealon]

God damn it. Yes.

[Giovanni]

I would love to hate Derek Fisher, but he's a good guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. And I. The ones that speak English are good, too, and the ones that don't are good, but I just. I root against them.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Even though they're really good. I rooted against Tiger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, only because.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you're the kind of guy that roots against.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the underdog.

[Kevin Nealon]

I like the underdog guys. But then once the underdog starts winning, boom, I want to take him down again.

[Giovanni]

Do you follow golf?

[Kevin Nealon]

A little bit, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Do you remember when Tiger was faced off against Rocco Media a couple years ago? Whatever the master. I think it was. Or I don't know what it was. Point is, it was really compelling, and I don't follow golf, and I was riveted. Had to watch the. The playoffs.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right. I'm not a big sports fanatic, but in the same. We like to watch near the playoffs, you know, the final Super Bowl.

[Giovanni]

Final Four for any sport.

[Kevin Nealon]

Even if it's like, you know, cricket.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

We're big cricket fans.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know the. You know, the rules of the game. You know, this is tense. Yeah, I'm in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, look at. They really want to win. I hope they win. So. Yeah, so that's. I'm gonna watch. I'm gonna watch Tiger and the Masters.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, of course you are.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Everyone will.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I do like to root for the underdog.

[Giovanni]

I understand.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, because people win too much. And with sports, some of these teams, they're just so connected with the money, and they get all the best picks, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yankees.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, The Yankees. The Yankees are with everything that's wrong with sports.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the Lakers, too. The Lakers, they could be down 30 points in the last two minutes. They could win the game.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it's like they kind of wait for the. That's why I think every basketball game should last two minutes.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it should be like they should start off with a score of 100 to 101.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

They should spot each team 100 points and say, here you go, last two minutes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just play hard, Go crazy. I would much rather do that. I would drive 45 minutes to sit there for two minutes.

[Giovanni]

I think it gave Mark Cuban an idea for a new sports league.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

I think we're on the submarine.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And then, you know, two minutes, though, turns into like 10 minutes because of timeouts.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Timeouts and fouls and free throw shooting, everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I love it, like, when there's a basketball game and there's maybe three seconds left and they're down by four points and they take a timeout, of course, and they're trying to figure out how they're going to win this game with three seconds left and down four points. You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

The math is staggering.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know. And they always. Not always, but a lot of times they come through and they do win.

[Brian Bishop]

Or when they try to mess with the kicker. That gets me in football.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Icing them.

[Brian Bishop]

They keep calling timeouts.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They're.

[Giovanni]

Ice them.

[Brian Bishop]

It's icing.

[Giovanni]

They call it. Ice in the kicker. You freeze them out. You know what I'm saying? You ice the kicker.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

It doesn't always work, by the way. Sometimes it backfires. But it's hilarious like that because the coach will. The coach will call a timeout to ice the kicker even though the kicker kicked and would have missed. You know what I'm saying? Call timeout. Sorry, it doesn't count.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Because originally he was coming out looking at the wrong field goal, thinking, I'm gonna go for this field goal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then when he came back on the timeout, the coach goes, now you're going for this one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Giovanni]

And the guy's in his head thinking, my God, a 75 yard field goal, that's never been even intended, so.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no. 25.

[Giovanni]

Much easier.

[Kevin Nealon]

Everybody's facing the wrong way. Everybody's facing the wrong way. I used to kick in college.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I was a place kicker and a punter and a quarterback. Wow. But I only played one year.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

I played for Fairfield University. I took a night course in criminology.

[Giovanni]

Where is that? Where is that?

[Kevin Nealon]

It's in Connecticut.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I took a night course in criminology so I would qualify to play on the team. And the starting quarterback got injured. But the thing was, I wanted to be a kicker. And when I came out here to do stand up comedy in Hollywood, I thought this is when the USFL was together. I thought I would go. I would try out as a kicker, you know, punter. Sure. For the team. So that way I would be doing comedy, but also have this little gimmick that I'm also, you know, a bunch of. Yeah, yeah. For the usfl. So I bought like seven USFL footballs, which are a little bit lighter than the NFL ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I would go down to Fairfax High School and practice a lot. And I would just keep punting and kicking.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I had some pretty good hang time as a punter, which is not a sexual. No, no thing. But it's.

[Giovanni]

Well, it is. But you're talking about.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Unfortunately, we don't know much.

[Giovanni]

I understand.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. But then my stand up started taking off before the USFL tryouts came and I said, well, I'll use those footballs for something else.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, And. And of course, now I'm a huge star.

[Giovanni]

That's right. Your signature bit with the footballs is fantastic. Everyone loves that.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm surprised we have not had one call about Glenn Martin dds.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

Which is a show I do on Nick at night.

[Giovanni]

How come no one's called about that?

[Kevin Nealon]

This show is really taking off. I mean, I got a call to do this and.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

I remember you talking about that. Just starting to develop when you were on the radio show back in a couple years ago.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is starting to roll. Like, I think the Simpsons when they first started. It's along the same vein as the Simpsons and the Family Guy. It's about a family that Glenn Martin DDS and his family travel around the country in an rv. And I work my practice out of the rv and I supply the voice of Glenn Martin dds. And Catherine o' Hara plays my wife.

[Giovanni]

Oh, she's hilarious.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, she's funny. And we've got a lot of good guest stars on, you know. You know, we've had Gene Simmons. Don Johnson's on there a lot. Dave. I can't forget his last name.

[Giovanni]

Steve Kamecney.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dave Koneckne.

[Giovanni]

Schenectady.

[Kevin Nealon]

Schenectady. That's it. But just a lot of fun people. Fran Drescher was on. But anyway, it's a really funny show. It's on Monday nights on Nick and Night. It's called Glenn Martin dds.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he just finished the second season.

[Giovanni]

He said Don Johnson and Gene Simmons. And then he said fun people. Okay. The laughter, I assume. Lot of fun people.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Awesome.

[Kevin Nealon]

Susan.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's a great Gig for you. You're gone one day a week.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did.

[Giovanni]

You grew up in Connecticut?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's right.

[Giovanni]

And you lived out here to do your stand up in the LA area?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

And then you did SNL for nine.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did SNL for nine seasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine years.

[Giovanni]

I was right on. And then back here to la. What. What sort of brought you back out here to Los Angeles?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I had a. I had a series. I was a pilot that DreamWorks was doing. It was the first Steven Spielberg, you know, in the whole dreamworks and the dawn of. Yeah, yeah, it was called Champs. It was me and Timothy Busfield, Ed Marinero, a couple other guys. Paul Crane who used to be on ER. Maybe he's still there, I don't know. Paul McCrane. Paul McCray.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it was a fun show and, you know, that lasted maybe 10 episodes and it got canceled. I was in these great. I was in two great sitcoms that had great time slots, big people behind them. Imagine. I did one called Hiller and Diller with Imagine. You know, this is so cool. I hope, I hope, I hope Ace doesn't show up at all.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Kevin Nealon]

He doesn't listen. No. And you can't talk about yourself.

[Giovanni]

I'm intently listening, by the way.

[Kevin Nealon]

You look like you're listening, but I know there's a little glaze in your eyes, so I'm not really.

[Brian Bishop]

Almost like a first date, listening.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

You're that attentive?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's what I'm sorry you're so attentive to.

[Kevin Nealon]

You say really a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Giovanni]

I'm hoping to get lucky. I don't care with who, by the way. Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't want a girl with melanoma.

[Adam Carolla]

No. God, no. Hey, Brian, your wife is in the other room. So let's not have to go through doing our vows again.

[Giovanni]

This is uncomfortable. This is uncomfortable.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. Is she in the other room?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she's on my computer. Don't read my email, Misty.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, so, yeah. So the longer Ace is not here, the more. Because here's another prediction aside from him talking about the red wine.

[Giovanni]

Red wine, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

The red wine on the rug. And maybe our kid playing.

[Brian Bishop]

Which is what three year olds do, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. He's gonna start just talking non stop, right. And you try to get a word in. He'll go, yeah, and the thing. And then he'll just talk right over you.

[Giovanni]

He has a lot to talk about. He was on, I believe he was doing Dancing with the Stars. Taping some stuff today. I think he was doing Leno maybe yesterday. Is that right, Donnie?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe. Anyway, he's supposed to, but now he's not doing it. Okay.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, he's scheduled for Thursday.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was just saying to Susan in the back warehouse as I was showing her his collection of cars and little doodads, say, how does. How does he do this? How does he have a hobby like this where he's got a warehouse with a bunch of cars and mini bikes and planes and do this podcast show and then have a pilot that he just shot and then, you know, have. Have his family and do Lena or the Dancing with the Studio, whatever else he's doing.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Him and Kimmel are like that. They've got, like, tons of things going on.

[Giovanni]

Lots going on.

[Kevin Nealon]

No Moss, no mas. See, I'm home a lot. I'm home a lot compared to those guys. They must never be home.

[Giovanni]

You must not. I don't know. Adam is out a lot. He has the podcast, obviously. He's doing his pilot right now, I should say. He's editing his pilot right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's editing his own pilot?

[Giovanni]

No, no, he is overseeing. He's contributing to the editing process. He likes to be in the.

[Kevin Nealon]

They must love that, having him there.

[Giovanni]

I believe the director gets the first crack at it. You can ask him. He loves the editing process. He was going on and on about it, so I think that's where he gets to flesh out. Not flesh out, but hone the jokes. You know what I'm saying? The timing and the beats and everything. So I imagine that's the most rewarding thing for him as a.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I don't know how he finds the time to do all this or has the energy.

[Brian Bishop]

We're getting a lot done.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am getting a lot done.

[Brian Bishop]

We're on two shows, two series. We just sold a house.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

You took me in for my melanoma this morning, so.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't cut yourself short.

[Kevin Nealon]

By the way, I taught my kid how to count to two this morning. Strong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

So, you know, what's next? Three.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, good luck with that. I'm not getting that involved. I'm not that involved at all. But what's.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you.

[Giovanni]

What you're speaking of showing off Adam's cars and do it. Ads and hobby. Any hobbies, any collections. You collect anything.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's the. Here's how I feel about collecting things.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm glad you asked.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm anti collecting because once you start the right place, you become a slave to that hobby, that collecting whatever that item is. I mean, if you collect snow globes or shot glasses, it's like that's all you're ever thinking of when you're going somewhere. Sometimes you'll take a vacation just to get a shotgun.

[Giovanni]

Shot glass.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you gotta find a shot glass.

[Giovanni]

Then you're on ebay all the time.

[Kevin Nealon]

People looking for shot glasses for you or snow globes. And you really become a slave to it.

[Adam Carolla]

I have.

[Kevin Nealon]

The most I've collected of stuff is guitars.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have like three or four guitars. That's cool. And a couple banjos.

[Giovanni]

Cool.

[Kevin Nealon]

But that's. I'm not actively looking to collect them. Say, oh, I gotta get this model right. You know, I just happen to have those because I picked them up along the way.

[Giovanni]

No mandolins, no ukuleles.

[Brian Bishop]

You know that show, the Hoarder show where people cannot walk through their home because of the clutter? We're the opposite. We have nothing. We hold on to nothing.

[Kevin Nealon]

We have kid toys.

[Brian Bishop]

We just have kid toys. But we get rid of things. Like Christmas. I got a sweater from Chico's. I gave it away in five minutes. I just keep giving things away that people give me.

[Giovanni]

You're like a way station for cool stuff that you send it out in the world.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you ever give something and then worry that you're giving it back to the same person that gave it to you?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Has that ever happened?

[Giovanni]

That's never happened, but I've worried about that. I'm like, oh, crap, who gave this to me? It may have been this person. I'm gonna go with it anyway and roll the dice.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Be real, real careful with books, because sometimes you'll open them up and they'll be, you know, two.

[Giovanni]

Oh, an inscription.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Kevin and Susan, happy Easter. And then you give it away. It's embarrassing.

[Giovanni]

The problem with collecting, too, is people start to identify you with your collections, and then that's all you get is gifts. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, oh, you love snow globes.

[Giovanni]

Here's a snow globe. It's like, I have 10,000 snow globes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Also, if you're re gifting, like, an EPT stick, early pregnancy test.

[Giovanni]

That's probably not a great regift.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's not a great regift. No.

[Giovanni]

Unless you're sure the other person is pregnant. In that case, you're like, listen, this is already.

[Brian Bishop]

So make sure they're three months pregnant. You don't want to get in that early zone where they.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you don't Want to announce then?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. It's hard not to announce that you're. You know what's funny? I. I found that when we were having our. When she was pregnant.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not we were pregnant, but when she was pregnant.

[Giovanni]

You wrote a book, by the way. I'm sorry to interrupt. About pregnancy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. Called. Yes, you're pregnant. But what about me?

[Giovanni]

That's right. Go out and get it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, go out and get it now. But you're not supposed to tell anybody for the first three months.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

But we. We had to tell some people, and we. We found that we were telling strangers, you know, like our contractor.

[Giovanni]

Play close to the vest or the.

[Brian Bishop]

Painter, because I didn't want to breathe the.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, we breathe a few.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So all these superficial people around us knew before our own family knew, which doesn't seem to make sense to me.

[Giovanni]

Hopefully they didn't spill the beans. You know what I'm saying? Like, the painter's painting your wall, and all of a sudden your mom, like, hey, your son's pregnant. It's like, oh, that's terrific.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But there's no way they would not have known because, you know, you can't hide all the EPT sticks. No, I mean, we had them. She was taking tests, like, every five seconds. You can't be pregnant. You can't be pregnant.

[Brian Bishop]

Six tests, I think do the cliche.

[Giovanni]

Thing where you go to the store and you get an arm full of tests, all six different brands.

[Brian Bishop]

I did it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Everyone does.

[Kevin Nealon]

She says, how can I be pregnant? I was only with that guy for two nights.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

And then I thought, oh, God, who's the father?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I know.

[Giovanni]

Kevin thought that, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. We had to go follow the calendar on that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. It's weird having a kid at my age. Cause I'm a little bit older. First time dad. Yeah. 75.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

But no, here I'm having a kid now when all my friends are already sending their kids off to rehab. Actually.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Dr. Drew, I actually did go to the mailbox one day when I was pregnant, and I had Pregnancy magazine and ARP Retirement newsletter.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow. At the same time.

[Brian Bishop]

At the same time.

[Giovanni]

Wow. That's a very unusual pairing. It is a pairing mailbox.

[Kevin Nealon]

We see it more and more often out in West LA.

[Giovanni]

That's a good point, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

It's very 31 0.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But anyway, so the kid now is 25.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, sure.

[Giovanni]

And almost off to rehab.

[Kevin Nealon]

Off the rehab.

[Giovanni]

That's cool.

[Kevin Nealon]

The whole Dr. Drew thing. I happen to catch celebrity Rehab.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

By accident a couple weeks ago.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it is kind of riveting.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, we got Heidi Fleiss on there. Yeah. You got the kid.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. Phillips.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And. And I'm sure there's been a lot more since, but can that actually help people when they're trying to rehab and there's cameras on them?

[Giovanni]

Oh, I can't imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Train wreck.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a train wreck. And if Dr. Drew doesn't know that, I mean, he knows it. He's worse than Ace with self promoting.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know he's not a doctor. I bet he's not even a doctor Doctor.

[Giovanni]

I don't think he is.

[Kevin Nealon]

What doctor would actually do that on tv? They're looking for ratings, they're not looking for cures. We'll take a break. We'll be right back.

[Anderson]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Very controversial statement. No, you're right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would imagine that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile Unlimited premium wireless. Everybody get 30, 30.

[Giovanni]

Better get 30, better get 20, 20, 20.

[Adam Carolla]

Better get 20, 20. Everybody get 15, 15, 15, 15.

[Anderson]

Just 15 bucks a month. Sold.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of 45 dollars for a 3 month plan equivalent to 15 dollars per month. Required new customer offer for first 3 months only.

[Brian Bishop]

Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Kevin Nealon]

Rates change daily.

[Adam Carolla]

See rakuten.com for details. That's R A K U T E N. Your cash back really adds up.

[Giovanni]

That the people on Celebrity Rehab are harder to treat because of their celebrity.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Sort of, as Drew would say, sort of narcissistic. You know, believe in let's put them on tv, believe too highly in themselves. And so I'd imagine exposing your addiction or your recovery to the world via a reality show makes it that much more difficult to treat.

[Kevin Nealon]

It makes it difficult to treat, but it makes them want to do it, because these people are addicted not only to alcohol and drugs. They're addicted to celebrity and being a celebrity. So they think the only way that they'll go to a rehab is if. Oh, if everybody sees me in there and I could. They could follow me. Okay, sure.

[Giovanni]

Then I can do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What does Drew do? His method to cure them is sad face.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, Sad face. Drew loves howdy lip.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I do. I know it's wrong, but I. I want to watch it again. Yeah, but I'm not gonna, like, look it up and see when it's on. If I happen to see it again.

[Giovanni]

I record the whole season.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, I do this. I'm going through the channels.

[Giovanni]

Right. You're doing the dial.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the old dial thing, but it's more like this.

[Giovanni]

Well, you are old, Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am old. I'm not old.

[Giovanni]

So you adjust your rabbit ears, and then you get vert and horizon, the same frequency.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, now, I like to have a TV in every. Every room I have, but Susan doesn't like to watch TV in the bedroom, so.

[Brian Bishop]

That's because I read an article about that.

[Giovanni]

What did the article say?

[Brian Bishop]

Don't watch TV in the bedroom.

[Giovanni]

Why did it say that?

[Brian Bishop]

Because it prolongs. It just will make your relationship much sunnier.

[Kevin Nealon]

You don't pay attention.

[Brian Bishop]

Much more loving if you get the TV out of the bedroom.

[Giovanni]

We got a TV out of the bedroom, coincidentally. So you're saying we're better off because of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably so. And we're probably gonna be invited to your valve renewal.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nice.

[Giovanni]

It'll be. Yeah, I 27th be there.

[Kevin Nealon]

I get. Getting the TV out of there. But leave the remote in there at least, you know, so at least if we can control each other with the remote, that would be great.

[Giovanni]

That'd be awesome.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, louder, lower.

[Giovanni]

Pause, pause slow.

[Brian Bishop]

You'd like the pause one.

[Adam Carolla]

Fast forward.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hold it right there. Pause. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay.

[Giovanni]

Slow motion. Yeah, I know where this is going.

[Adam Carolla]

Fast forward.

[Brian Bishop]

I would like. For you. I would like a button to make you more dramatic.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Because sometimes he will. For example, when. If I say I have to have surgery, he'll call it a procedure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

And instead of, I'll say, can you pass the Salt. And he'll go, is that the salt? Rather than saying, pass the salt proof, he'll say, is that the salt?

[Giovanni]

He downplays.

[Brian Bishop]

He downplays everything. Sometimes you just want him to just.

[Giovanni]

Ratchet it up, amp it up.

[Kevin Nealon]

Instead of, like, saying, you know, if somebody wants to drive over, like, 200 miles to my house, I say, you want to pop by? Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You want to swing by?

[Brian Bishop]

Or he'll say, I'm scooting home from Hollywood, Suze. I'm scooting home.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'll be home in a few minutes.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's about an hour.

[Giovanni]

Let's try this.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin.

[Giovanni]

Kevin, I'm too drunk to drive home.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, all right, well, just come on, pop over. It's only a couple months.

[Giovanni]

I don't think it's a good idea. I'm pretty messed up right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

But, see, she gets angry because I'm. I am not real.

[Brian Bishop]

Watch your bracelet.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm not. No, I'm explaining what you are.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I'm not real dramatic, you know? Like, if somebody said, I won the lottery, I go, are you shit?

[Adam Carolla]

Really? That is great.

[Kevin Nealon]

I won't be like, what?

[Giovanni]

First of all, who's Adam? Lock the doors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, you guys, your time of talking is over now.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're right about that. See, even when. When A shows up, I don't get that excited.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I mean, I'm really excited.

[Brian Bishop]

That he's here, whereas I'll be like, how wonderful. How are you? I just want to.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's very demonstrative.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I. My father raised me, like, to be in airline pilot, like, because that's what I wanted to be, really. Every time I got excited in the car, he would say, no, you know, you're not. Can't be an airline pilot if you're getting excited over little things like this. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin.

[Giovanni]

Jumping around the cockpit.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I am trained now to be an airline.

[Giovanni]

Hey, welcome to the Kevin Ealand Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Pearl.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hey, take your time, buddy. Take your time.

[Brian Bishop]

Good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you on Dancing with the Stars?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing a bit. Yeah. I'm doing a comedy bit tonight.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you actually not a dancer, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I like to think of myself as a dancer, yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Natural boosters and headphones.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we call them cans in the business.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you're not in the business, are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I got another set of. Does it look like I'm in the business.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now? What did we predict when he came?

[Anderson]

I'm not gonna say.

[Adam Carolla]

How about these?

[Brian Bishop]

You can have these. You can have these.

[Kevin Nealon]

Want these cans?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's fine. Underneath that pillow is.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, here's some. Okay. Oh, here. Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we talk? There you go. Let me take this moment to tell everyone we're going to be at the Brea Improv.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's tonight, right?

[Giovanni]

I should have that tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Brain Pro. Plenty.

[Kevin Nealon]

How do you know we didn't say that already?

[Adam Carolla]

I just. You know what? Even if you did.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm gonna be at the. I'm gonna be at the Comedy Magic Club on Thursday. Howie Mandel. Did you know that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but how come. How come there's. Oh, for Big Lou.

[Giovanni]

Didn't I say the same thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that means he should change his name to. That's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

So go ahead, ask us how we're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

How are you doing?

[Kevin Nealon]

We're doing great. Thanks for asking.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, so here I am. Well, you thought I was just gonna talk about myself. Really? No. Where were we? We. I don't want to interrupt.

[Kevin Nealon]

Covered a lot of things. We're just talking how I am not real demonstrative when it comes to excitement or big news. It's always like, hang back. Because my father raised me to not to get excitable. Because I wanted to be an airline pilot.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And if something like, went wrong at the house and I. You want to be an airline pilot? You can't get excited like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So now I'm like, even. Even keeled.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. But sometimes you want someone to go over the top with you and go there emotionally.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, here's the thing. I know that she wants that. So now a lot of times when I'm not even that excited, I will feign excitement.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That is great. When does that start? Yeah. And it's just like. Well, it's the Penny Saver. It's free. They give them to everyone in the neighborhood. That is an awesome publication. That kind of stuff.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like when somebody meets me on the street and they recognize me, I will match their enthusiasm. Like, if they say, oh, hey, man, how's it going? I say, good, how you doing? But if they come and go, hey, man, I'm a big fan. Hey, man, good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's just a natural kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

We're the same that way we don't have anything in us.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

No life force, no energy. I think you know that about me, Kevin. And it's tough on the ladies.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a lot of bells and whistles with Nealan, which is a good thing, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, but here's the thing if you told women, look, you don't get the highs, but you don't get the lows either. That doesn't sound like a great relationship. That flatline thing they're not interested in. Well, because I tell my wife, look, if I had more enthusiasm, more energy, and more passionate, perhaps I'd be beating the shit out of you right now. Like you don't know. I just, maybe it's just, I, I, maybe I'm just too lazy to get off the sofa. Like you want all this, but be careful. These are the guys who cheat. These are the guys who drink. These are the guys who pitch fits. These are the guys who are, you know, going through your BlackBerry and finding phone numbers they don't recognize and then calling.

[Kevin Nealon]

The man has a point.

[Adam Carolla]

Caring is a double edged sword.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Kevin, we will be there for you. Oh, yeah, we'll be there anytime.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because we're not hopping around celebrating something.

[Brian Bishop]

Like this morning, how you handled things this morning.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

With the diagnosis. And then I called my mom and you know how my mom, what my mom said, I'm on the next plane, I'm coming right out there.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would have said that too, but I was already there.

[Brian Bishop]

You were there?

[Giovanni]

Moms are funny like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can't get on the next plane to your kitchen when you're in it.

[Kevin Nealon]

The house is not that close for them.

[Adam Carolla]

But what happened?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, we were just talking earlier that she was diagnosed. Now it's not on the dermatologist charts anymore because insurance. But the level of her mold was considered melanoma one years ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Stage one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Stage one. But now it's not because of insurance things. You know, we have a very conservative dermatologist who has diagnosed her with melanoma one. Well, they call it melanoma one. So they have to take a little.

[Brian Bishop]

Chunk of skin, a chunk out of my leg on April 22, like half my thigh.

[Adam Carolla]

And what you got back from Kevin.

[Brian Bishop]

With that news was, this is what Kevin said. He goes, fair enough, fair enough, fair enough, fair enough. We'll have a little procedure, a little family procedure.

[Adam Carolla]

But shouldn't guys like Kevin and I get credit for not pulling our hair out and running in a circle and screaming the sky is falling. Like, wouldn't that cry out more? I know what you want. You want to rock. You want to rock, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, you're looking for. You got to be more metrosexual, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'll tell you what they, I'll tell you what they want. They want a. Oh, my God, that's horrible. I feel horrible for you. And then a pause of, we're going to beat this. I'm going to be there. Do not worry. And then once they stoic meets one of their friends from work. But the problem is, is that's never really the same person. And I argue that us flatliners get a bad rap. Ultimately, big picture, it's a better life. You want to be with Jesse James. I mean, the point is, these guys are, like, all passionate about shit. They're passionate on your friends, too, when you're out of town. Like, they have passion.

[Giovanni]

Passion knows no bounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, and it's true.

[Kevin Nealon]

I just don't get excited. I just, you know, I'm a realist. I'm a realist. Because if somebody says, you know, you got. If somebody tells me good news, I think, okay, I love good news. But let's make sure it's good news first before we don't celebrate. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to pop the cork on that empty bottle of champagne prematurely.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right. Because.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

We have been let down too many times over our lives, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just dead inside. Really. I don't know.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't really know. I'm dead and you're rotting.

[Giovanni]

It's a great conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what happened. My dad, I didn't talk to him about being a pilot, but I just learned, don't react to anything. It doesn't really get you anywhere, and it doesn't make you.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you do react, though. But it's more verbally. And, you know, you react for a long time afterwards instead of getting it all out, you react verbally. Discussing it, analyzing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I mean, I'm very passionate about things like passion fruit iced tea versus regular iced tea. I do 40 minutes on that. But melanoma, I got a. There you go.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

That's really my problem. And, you know, for. It's me, it's like. And also, I. I hate to say this, Suzanne, but. Or is it. Wait, Susan. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

My best friend is a Suzanne. And then Drew Pinsky's wife is a Susan in it. And I get. I toggle back and forth.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that's Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, that's Brianna. I will say this, too. You guys sound the alarm a little too quickly sometimes. And we know guys meaning females.

[Brian Bishop]

You guys mean you like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, My wife, I'll come home, she'll be sobbing. What's the matter, Molly? Molly just got back from the vet. Cancer, Body riddled. With cancer. Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

What does she have? She's got a tumor. Well, what kind of tumor? They don't know yet. I'm like, all right, well, then let's not, you know, light the candles and jump the gun here. Until we find out, I'm just. You're S.O.B. your sobbing mess. We don't know anything yet, so I'm not joining you in your and they throw myself in the grave with Molly campaign because we don't know anything. And a lot of the time, in Molly's case, she had an operation. It caught. She just.

[Kevin Nealon]

She did.

[Adam Carolla]

My wife did. She does two good ones. She's not huge with numbers. So she did something. She did a. I said, how much is the operation? It's 19 grand. I said, 19 grand, what? She said, you know, don't you love the dog? I said, you know, call him back the next day. So she called back the next day. Oh, it's 1,900. I said, okay, thank you. That's different. Last night, I was talking to her. I said, did the air conditioning guy give a quote on the warehouse air conditioning? She said, yeah, 2200. I said, 2200. That sounds way too. Oh, no, 22,000. I'm like, could you stop. Please stop doing that. It's. It's horrible to have a life full of. Oh, no, you didn't. I ate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

That thing. So you guys prematurely and emotionally sort of throw yourself into these things.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think it's our job not to follow you down that hallway of despair.

[Kevin Nealon]

We should kind of keep the female in check.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kevin Nealon]

But we also have our downfalls too, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is kind of one of them. But it just. It's good. It's good that I didn't freak out over Molly, my wife. And I don't think she wants to see her husband freak out over Molly.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's the biggest thing that Susan hates that I try to do, and I think all guys do. Suzanne.

[Brian Bishop]

I just changed it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I try to fix things, you know, instead of listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And sometimes I'll say, just for three minutes, listen to me and validate me. And then a lot of times, I'm.

[Kevin Nealon]

Fixing it before she's even finished telling me what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Give me an example of Kevin right now.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm really overwhelmed with the baby.

[Kevin Nealon]

You gotta just sit back a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

And all this family that keeps coming in town.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did you walk down to the pier?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm so tired of hosting. I'm tired of making Meals don't do it anymore. I would really like support.

[Kevin Nealon]

You got the support. I'm here all the time. Wasn't out here yesterday for half hour.

[Giovanni]

You guys are renew yourselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do that too. You just. You want to fix it, you jump in. Well, also, they're bitching about someone from work or something. You don't really care. So what, you really just want to kind of. Sorry. You want to nip it in a bud? Well, you know, it's really. Three quarters of it is about nothing. I'm sorry. It's an emotional three quarters. Really. All right, seven, eight.

[Brian Bishop]

But aren't you a little bit interested?

[Adam Carolla]

It affects them.

[Kevin Nealon]

You gotta validate them. You gotta validate the feeling because it is a real feeling and they are upset about something. So you have to validate it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then you try to fix it.

[Brian Bishop]

Like this morning, what you should have said to me, I mean, just to go back with the melon circle back. Yeah. Is I can't imagine how frightened you must be. I would be so scared too.

[Adam Carolla]

But doesn't it.

[Brian Bishop]

Wouldn't that be nice to hear? And that would validate my fear.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'd be like, wow, it's the validation stuff. But I mean, it's like when Brian was telling me about his brain tumor, I was.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

On the.

[Giovanni]

How dare you.

[Kevin Nealon]

I can't imagine how horrible that is.

[Giovanni]

Pretty much how the conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to be calm with him and then he. When I hung up the phone with him. You know what I mean? Like, I was trying to. Oh, buddy, this is, you know, it's a little step backward, but we're gonna beat this, you know, little step, half step backward. But then when I got off the phone, I was really concerned, but I didn't want to. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

How does that help anything?

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't help anything. I don't want people to do it to me either. If I ever have any problems.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was like, oh, I think women are different, though. I think women do. They like to feel validated and they like to be listened to. And I get it. I get it now.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that winked his eye, everybody.

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Look. There's a balance. And I have to catch myself like halfway into conversations with almost everyone and just like, pretend you're listening. What would a normal. What would a normal people.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm sure you're married to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Has there been times I've shared stuff with you that you haven't cared. Cared at all? And you just Wish I would shut my lip.

[Kevin Nealon]

Never.

[Brian Bishop]

Really.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've always cared.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on. Because you should tell me. Seriously, if you say, I'm really bored by your story, I would love to know what bores.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, melanoma bored me a little bit, but I can't tell you that. No, it lost me halfway through.

[Adam Carolla]

There's also. I don't know if you guys go through this either, but there's the. I did a version of it last night. My wife does a lot of it. Drives me nuts. She'll do the. Did you feed Molly? Yes, I did. So you fed her little like, listen. Yeah. Oh, you know, and I was lying about the kibble, you're right. And I said, yeah, okay. So you fed Molly like how many laughs on feed Molly? Because she doesn't quite believe what I did. You know, look after the stuff that involves taking care of other things and stuff like that. She does that with me. And last night, night, I got home and I spent all day doing a bunch of ADR crap and then the whole rest of the day in an edit bay in a very, like, stressful. The pilot's got to be turned in by today and arguing over music and blah, blah, blah. And then had to go home and watch a two hour Dancing with the Stars make notes on it and then go into Dancing with Stars this morning and do my bit based on all these notes. And I called my wife at like 4:00 clock and I said, the early feed, the east coast feed is 5 to 7. TiVo it in the den. I'm coming home at, you know, six o' clock. I'll have an hour head start on the TiVo. I need to pile through this thing, make my notes, blah, blah, blah. I was stressed out, I got home, I sat down. Dancing with the Stars was not on and then it was not TiVo, you know, and then she did the. Hey, man, I. I set it up and I was like, really? Because it's not here. And she said, yeah, that thing must be on the blank or something. And I said, everything I record is always there. And she said, hey, I did it. And I said, I did the thing that guys do. I'm not saying you didn't do it. I'm just saying it's not here and it's never happened to me. And every time. Which is essentially the same as saying you didn't do it or like you fucked something up. And she just kept saying, I did everything. I checked, I double checked. I put it in and I walked away done. And I'm like, but it's not here and I'm tired and I need this and what the fuck? And I, we're at a, we're at impasse. I, I wasn't calling her a liar. She did something.

[Kevin Nealon]

Disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

She half assed some portion or part of it. It wasn't as important to her as it should have been. Yeah, I've been gone for nine hours working. I was going to work all night on this and then get up first thing in the morning and go work on it again. And you should have, you were on the phone while you were doing this or something.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, here's the thing, here's the thing. She called me on the other day. I said to her, I said, how would you feel about me going to yoga for about an hour?

[Brian Bishop]

Instead she's been, no, you didn't say, I need to circle back to what was really true. What you said is, look, according to the chart, yoga's at 12 o' clock today.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, was that fast?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You said, Yoga's at 12 o' clock today.

[Kevin Nealon]

How would you feel about me going for an hour? And you said what you really should be asking me is would you watch our child for an hour when I go do yoga?

[Adam Carolla]

I see, right. That's the real question.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Would you mother while I go and do this by myself with some hot tootsies and little leotards? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's going to be an immediate.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did hear a guy on the, on the, I live near a strand, you know, by the beach, and I heard this guy walking with his wife. I just happened to pass him at this time and I heard the guy go to the wife. Do you think it'd be all right if I played golf tomorrow?

[Brian Bishop]

But what did I say? I said, first of all, you don't have to ask me.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I know, you never have to.

[Brian Bishop]

Ask me to take care of you.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I just want to make sure that you didn't need something that, you know, I was being there.

[Brian Bishop]

12 to 1245.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I can feed myself, you guys. You're getting any help around the house? The nannies and that kind of stuff?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we're awful with that because we, we have them come over and then we send them home and we do.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have a gardener that watches the Kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Corral's, a little leaf blower.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, this is the thing we have, we have part time help and we don't.

[Brian Bishop]

We paid full time. But she stays part time because we.

[Kevin Nealon]

Send her home all the time and then we Regret sending her home? I said, who you sent? Why'd you send her home? Because I want to watch him, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I want to be with him all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Get over there. Well, that's the other. That's the other beef I have with my wife, which is she doesn't pay for anything. I pay for everything. So we have the full time, part time. We have Olga, who is. Gets paid full time, but she's there Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then on occasion, I say, let's go out Saturday night and see a movie. Well, I'll. I'll hire a sitter. I said, ask Olga to come by and do it. Don't bother Olga. I know to you it feels like. Like we're just barging into Olga's apartment and dragging her out by her ear. To me, I'm paying her for this. We just never use her. And now I'm gonna pay a sitter, which, by the way, the sitters are like 10, 15 bucks an hour. I got paid a fucking dollar an hour by my neighbor.

[Brian Bishop]

$60 to go to dinner on a Saturday night.

[Adam Carolla]

I ate $80 worth of food, but I still just did a dollar. Literally. Things must have been so easy to calculate. Like, well, you got here at 8. It's 12, $4. Like 1. Let's see. Let's try to figure out this.

[Brian Bishop]

17. 50 times 4.

[Adam Carolla]

When did this become. When did you get into, like, the drywallers union or something? You're just some teen or sitting around, like, looking for your weed or watching, you know, pay per view or something. What do you need with 15 bucks an hour, by the way? My house is a shitload nicer than your shitty apartment that you came from.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I could make an argument for you giving me $3 an hour being in my house. You got high def at your place. I didn't think so. That's all I'm saying. Come on, you got. You got rule the roost here. And you got a nice pad.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know, I know. You feel guilty. You feel guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I'm like, tell Olga to come. Tell Olga to come Saturday. Lynette has the same thing with everyone. I guess anyone naturally would who doesn't physically pay. Whoever, you know, like, go tell the gardener. Go to bother him. It's like he's a kindly Mexican who shows up once a week and does a bunch of work. That part where she's cutting the check, I think that that's the part she needs to feel.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I write the checks in the family. But I write all the checks to everybody. But Kevin has to go and do the little dirty work and ask Ms. Carmen to come on a Saturday night.

[Kevin Nealon]

But here's how I do it. I'm like, lynette. I go, it's always like a favorite. I'm asking for a favor, right? Like, would you mind taking the trash out? Would you be able to do that for me? You know, instead of saying, could you get the trash?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because we're paying you $20 an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Shaking your ass.

[Kevin Nealon]

By the way, you've had my wife here now and my son in the studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Last time. Last time you were here, your son was running around. Wow. Dinner's ready. Quite a bit of noise. Hit one of our rambunctious.

[Giovanni]

One of our assured topics.

[Adam Carolla]

You would.

[Giovanni]

You would. You would hit on.

[Kevin Nealon]

You mentioned it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The sun destroying the cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. The sun destroying my sea. Oh. Now in the moment. The wine spillage. Yes. Ring the bell. Oh, let's see.

[Brian Bishop]

Still horrifying.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought about it that way. Would have gotten that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Those are the two topics.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then I was saying to.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, let me try this. So I'm going for the trifecta. Anal warts. Yes. Wait, who's in Awards? You want to try taking a phone call? Hey, Ken. Yeah? There's a Mindy McCready sex tape. Oh, yeah? You didn't know about this? Well, I've.

[Kevin Nealon]

The sportscaster lady, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a country singer from the rehab show Celebrity Rehab we talked about earlier.

[Giovanni]

It's a callback to earlier.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay. She was in rehab.

[Adam Carolla]

I've masturbated to the seizure she had on Celebrity Rehab, but that's not the same. Yeah, I'm just having a thing for seizures. I'm assuming that these days they probably look pretty close to the same thing. There is a sex tape. Well, that's the word, apparently. On Monday.

[Caller]

Yeah, they announced that. Or Vivid Entertainment, I guess, announced that.

[Adam Carolla]

There'S a sex tape. So it's kind of a good news, bad news.

[Giovanni]

Hey, good news, Brian, if I had.

[Adam Carolla]

Told you 14 years ago. Yeah, that would be great. Bad news is it's unclear what year these were filmed. Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

1997. That'd be fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of went the Tanya Harding route.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm so naive. I'm not even sure who she is. I don't watch.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a country singer that was in rehab and had this. There was this horrible scene, by the way, which was her and Mackenzie Phillips. Right. And they're both in their bed like they're bunk mates. Twin beds. That Dr. Drew's thing. Yeah, they're twin beds, like, right and the left. And they were having this thing where they were, like, jawing and jabbering and girls talk and was, like, funny and. And she's like, isn't that guy so goofy? I can't believe it. And Mindy McCready went into a seizure, but it seemed like she was still in the conversation and started, like, making fun of the person. It's kind of like dying on stage as a comedian and then thinking it's part of your act. And they happen to be just going back and forth. He's like, oh, yeah, that guy said. And Mackenzie Phillips laughing her ass off, like, yeah, it's good. That's good stuff. And then she falls over off the bed onto the floor. And Mackenzie's like, ah, stop it. You slay me. And then at a certain point, there's that horrible realization where not only is this person having a seizure, but I've been laughing at it for the last 10 count. And now I'm being filmed laughing at the person's seizure.

[Giovanni]

To be fair, it's the funniest seizure I ever seen.

[Adam Carolla]

Scene. It was. It was a hilarious seizure.

[Kevin Nealon]

When I was on Saturday Live, Bill Murray was hosting one one week, and we had this Extron who had a line, and his line was, it was supposed to take place in a prison, and Bill Murray was doing his lounge singer guy in the prison, and he. He supposed to go to this guy, some, something, something. And then the guy's supposed to say, he's my bitch, right? And it came time for him to say, and the guy just froze, right? Just froze. And I would say, he's my bitch. And I covered for him, right? And, you know, the scene ends and the guy walks off, and then five minutes later, they're calling for paramedics and stuff because the guy's having a seizure in the extras holding room.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So I. I ran over there, and the guy's eyes were rolling back.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think headset was, like, a precursor? Like him not being able to, like.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I think it was just nerves.

[Brian Bishop]

And he was a tough town, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Star Wars. Nothing but Star Wars. Give me them. Star wars. Who. What was Mackenzie Phillips laughing saying? She shows up.

[Kevin Nealon]

How long do these people stay in celebrity rehab? We were just talking about that earlier. Dr. Drew, he's not trying to cure them. He's looking for ratings. Because you can't cure somebody in a In a place like that on TV?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, I don't. I mean, it's.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. He.

[Kevin Nealon]

He really think he's gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he does think he's going to do something. Although it must be. It'd be great to be in a profession like where your batting average is way less than 200 and everyone just understands it. Like, out of 10 rehab patients, eight and a half of them will relapse after a month with Dr. Drew and the facility and thousands of dollars and. And that's just the name of the game. And I wish when I was a carpenter, I could do the same thing where it's like, well, you know, eight out of the 10 front doors I swing don't stay on the hinges past. Past that midnight. So, you know, and then, of course, I come back when the door just falls off that I hung again and went. Yeah. Figure that would happen. Anyway, another $2,000. I'll see if I can get it back up. But don't expect anything. These things will fall off five, eight times before they swing. Like, it would be a great.

[Giovanni]

What do you think other professions are that in that arena? Probably like hostage negotiator, airline pilots.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably not. The most would be a great one for that. Yeah. I mean, imagine if your batting average could be that abysmal. And yet that was just part of, like, hey, Kevin, you do stand up, right? Yeah. Most every time. Nary a laugh, but, you know, that's the business. You still get paid, you do your thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would love to be a hostage negotiator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, that seems like it'd be a fun, you know, a challenging job. Exciting.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You have to stay calm.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Kevin, you'd make him look good at that. Yeah, you'd be good at that.

[Brian Bishop]

Do your pilot voice. Do what you do on the plane.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, it's just very reserved. Like, we'll be more climbing to an altitude of 4, 600ft. I say 4600. I mean, 46,000. 46,000ft. Enjoy ride. You know, just kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I would get those guys. I would say, fellas, what's going on? You know, trying to.

[Adam Carolla]

Negotiating.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. What's up? What's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, this is where I'd be like you. You. I would be perfect.

[Brian Bishop]

Airplanes. He used to calm me down because I was an emergency landing a long.

[Kevin Nealon]

Time, but I would.

[Brian Bishop]

So he has to calm me down on airplanes, and he does that voice.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would validate. I would validate the hostage takers. I Would say, okay, what's the problem? Totally get it. I totally get it. Right. I understand. I. I can only imagine how frustrated you must seem. And I. Yeah, right. And what can we do for you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

How many guys you get back in there? 12. That's not that bad. That's not that many.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd start everything with an offering of pizza. Who's not as good for pizza?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I feel like there's no place on earth that you're not 20 minutes away from some decent pizza. It slides under a door. See, here's the. And then find common ground. I like pineapple, too. I don't know. People make fun of me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's how we would work as a team. Hostage. I would be the guy they sent in first to see if they can get him to talk him down and come out and let it go. If that didn't work, they'd bring you in. You would be the guy. You would try to get the guy to get in position so the cops can get a clear shot at him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean? Just kind of. What is that? Is that something up on the corner of the window up there and have them look up.

[Adam Carolla]

The sniper can go 711 or streamline molding, whether they use a finger joint pipe. Check that for me.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm really good, buddy. Film right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Reveal on that casing. We call it good cut.

[Giovanni]

Boring cup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Go hit the bay window there. Let me check that out. Yeah, you do that. But again, you know, I think I would definitely start with a pizza offering because I feel like culturally, that thing crosses almost every. It transcends almost every boundary. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, you have any kind of gathering at your house, and you didn't really plan anything. Pizza is always the savior. You know, you say, who wants pizza? And you get at least three or four hands going up out of 20.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, you don't even have to make it. You have somebody bring it to you.

[Adam Carolla]

They bring right to your door.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the beauty.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I do like that guy brings a pizza to your door. Although I always think that when these guys pull up and they're, you know, broken down Chevettes with the sign hanging off the top, and you can see the dirty clothes piled up in the boot of the thing, and you think, this is really so great that this guy knows where I live and kind of knows to lay the land over here. I mean, these guys. These guys are on the fringe. I mean, if you're. See, it used to be Maybe it's this way in your hometown if you're listening, but there used to be the pizza boy, not the crazy 40 something year old pizza foreigner, you know what I mean? Who's casing your house? I mean there was. Maybe Los Angeles is different than some smaller towns in the Midwest. But you had the pizza boy. Delivery boy. You had the boy. You know, this guy was. The guy went to high school, he was gonna go off to college next year, but for now he was making tips and ends meet, borrowed his dad's Buick and he was dropping off your pizza. Now we have scary 51 year old guy on the fringes of life who's coming up and getting the lay in a land over at your pad.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's got a carjacked car he's using.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he does extra work on the side.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Goes into seizures. No, I'm just saying I am creeped out by the 40 something year old, you know, guy whose nationality I can't quite put my finger on, pulling up in his pile of shit and dropping a Rorschach test of transmission fluid on my tumbled sandstone pavers. Do you know what I'm saying? I want the delivery boy.

[Kevin Nealon]

You described it so exactly. I know exactly what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

We got the crazy hair. I mean, let's just do it this, let's do this math. Who do you know that's in their late 40s that's delivering pizza as a gig?

[Kevin Nealon]

I know, but that said, when I see those guys standing out there, the 40 year old with a sign pointing into, you know, the Joe's coffee place out on the streets, spend the sign instead. Or, or, or the guy with a pizza, that's 51, I think, God bless him, man. He's working, he's trying to make a living, you know, he's not collecting unemployment, he's out there taking a job.

[Adam Carolla]

Next scenery, kids missing. Yeah, God bless him. Anyway, let me tell you about the guy spinning the sign with the condo. I appreciate the artistry of it. And they're even going to have a competition. They have competition.

[Kevin Nealon]

They get so bored out there, they.

[Adam Carolla]

Got competitions for them. Which by the way, as a spectator, grocery bagging competitions or condo arrow sign spinning competitions. Well, it would be worse, a worse afternoon. But I'm just saying this, with the guy out on the corner with the condo sign, that thing is facing up, down and toward Mecca more than it is toward the condo. I may want to buy if I'm the owner of those condos. Like, hey, dill weed point it at the goddamn condo. You throwing it up in the air and spinning it all over like.

[Kevin Nealon]

We're driving, we're turning, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to follow, stuffing it down in the ground, going up in the air, making hard less and oncoming traffic.

[Kevin Nealon]

You try to follow that side, to.

[Adam Carolla]

Follow that side, it's barrel rolling and twisting. I mean, you really. You can't.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I get it. Those guys are so bored out there, they're standing out there all day. I used to.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's bored. I mean everyone, like. But here's the point, all right? I'm sure the crossing guards are bored off their ass, but they don't start swinging their arms around and bringing cars in and pointing upwards.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, no, wait a minute. Have you seen their Chase Lounge? How much they decorate it? They've got flags sticking out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't seen that.

[Kevin Nealon]

They've got the pimped out Chase Lounge. They got the umbrella, the flags.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they're bored too. They're bored too.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a nice little sign up on our message board here. The stores make them spin it to attract people. Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's.

[Brian Bishop]

The eye goes.

[Adam Carolla]

I was all wrong. I didn't. I didn't know I had anything to do with that.

[Kevin Nealon]

But what a lot of people don't understand, what a lot of people don't know, is that those. Those sign spinners make over a hundred thousand dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Absolutely.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because they. These are the people that lost me $100,000 to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they do.

[Giovanni]

I call your bluff.

[Adam Carolla]

I lost my.

[Brian Bishop]

The liberty. Statue of Liberty now. And they have the tax sign. Do your taxes here. And they're dressed in costumes. Oh, they do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

When they had a dress in a costume on a hot day. Bad times. Whether it's a Tony the Tiger or the Statue.

[Brian Bishop]

Statue of Liberty's big.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but how about when it's cold? I mean, we don't then go, wow, is that guy lucky. You know the down part about the costume? There's something called winter too, Kevin. And it gets cold outside.

[Kevin Nealon]

But this Statue of Liberty guy was not good because he kept switching the torch from one hand to the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yeah. You never see ladies do that.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think it's the right hand that she has. Right? At least it should be.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you say over a hundred thousand dollars a year. Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a good pay.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I lost my first wife to a condo spinner.

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

She just wanted. You know, I was working in Radio. But I wasn't bringing home that kind of money.

[Kevin Nealon]

Adam, I have to be honest with you. I've got a science spinner.

[Adam Carolla]

Another one. Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

But this is. This is for fabulous condos.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy's luxury. Luxury? Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He also works at Statue of Liberty on the weekends.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, he does.

[Adam Carolla]

He does the fast tax and the condos.

[Kevin Nealon]

He does all.

[Adam Carolla]

I think what's going on in our society is we. Our nerve receptacles are so burnt out. Like, the centers are so burnt out now with all the constant stream of everything, that we can no longer just drive and see a sign that says condo. Something. We need movement. We need something to pull us away because we're on a cell phone. We're driving in a car with the satellite radio and surround sound, and the air's blowing and the seats massaging and the steering wheel's got a warmer on it. That's why the terrorists hate us. This leather bound steering wheel, not good enough. I need one that heat radiates from. I love that fact that, you know what? I'm driving this Mercedes and I'm not comfortable. I feel like my hands can be 2 degrees warm. Warmer. Does anyone ever grab a big, fat leather steering wheel and go, wow, I am so miserable. My hand's gonna stick to this like a kid's tongue to a flagpole.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't know if I ever told you this. When I first moved out here, I had a job working for Milt Freeman's car leasing company on Wilshire. And they delivered. They leased cars to the stars. And my job was to deliver the cars to their homes, pick them up and bring them to service stations and things like that. So I. I would deliver cars to, like, Barbra Streisand's house, Jerry Lewis, right? And then I got into these cars.

[Adam Carolla]

But how old were you?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was 23, 24.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Now I never. 51. And from Crete, Barbara would be freaked out having to pull up her driveway. Right? That's my point.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would get into these, like, Stutzes, right? And Mercedes and Porsches that I, you know, I drove a 65 Chevelle Malibu all my life. You know, when I was a kid. Chevy. Yeah, yeah. And the steering thing would get stuck on the column.

[Adam Carolla]

Three on the tree.

[Kevin Nealon]

Three on the tree. And so I'm getting to these. And you smell that car, like, the leather and the wood and it's just so fine. And. And it's like getting into a cockpit of a jet, you know? You don't even know, is this the sticks Is this the gear shifter? And then you went back.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to go back to your Chevy?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, and then I go back and. But. And then I'm getting into these cars that are like, you know, 100, $200,000 cars, and I'm like hung over a little bit because I'm 24 and I was drinking on the weekend and never had an accident, though. And never got to meet Barbra Streisand or Jerry Lewis. I always meet their assistants.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, out in the driveway.

[Adam Carolla]

And that was Barbara, ironically. Was Barbara in Malibu?

[Kevin Nealon]

Barbara was. I think she was in Beverly Hills at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh.

[Kevin Nealon]

And Mel Brooks was in Beverly Hills.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking of the Chevy Malibu and how no one in Malibu ever purchased a Chevy Malibu. No, it's not a Chevelle.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's not a Chevelle Malibu.

[Adam Carolla]

Chevy Malibu.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay. You would know. You would know.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, even though you drove one for six years, I would know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's what I did. I tried to soup it up a little bit because the guys where I went to school, they had the jacked up cars with the white gas tanks, you know, the hemis and everything. This car, I didn't jack it up, but I painted the gas tank white. But nobody could see it unless I ran them over. And then also they had a paint that was supposed to simulate vinyl, like the dashboard, because it was a metal dashboard. So I sanded it down and I painted it with this black spray paint and it made the car look like it was burnt out in a fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wish there was, like, I've done a ton of that poor man, white trash, sort of cheap shit stuff in my life. And I just wish at some point before you embarked on those journeys that there was some cosmic force that would just tap you on the shoulder and go, kevin, put down the spray can. And you would listen to it, you know? But just all the waste of time, all the ideas, all the notions, all the things you're gonna do, like if someone had just tapped you on the shoulder, there should be some cosmic force. I guess that's what dads are for.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, here's what my brother did. You'll appreciate this. He got a. It was a 19, I don't know, 62 Karmagua, something like that. And it was used and it was dented up. And he started out repairing the dents with Bondo.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of like putting clay inside the dents.

[Kevin Nealon]

It looks like clay, but it hardens really hard and it's heavy. And then he decided he was Going to cut out the headlights and dent them a little bit, you know. And then he started adding more and more Bondo to the car, trying to reshape it to make it look like it wasn't a Karma ghib. Put his fins on it. It sat in the garage for, like, 10 years. You know, boxes were starting to pile up. But he started adding more and more Bondo. It was almost like became just a mound of Bondo. We could have just filled up the garage with Bondo.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters with Mashed Potatoes. He just started making a big Bondo pile in the kneeling garage.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the car must have weighed, you know, £5,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Bondo. Not, you know, Bondo's sort of like. Sort of like eyeliner in moderation. It's a good thing. You don't want to go all David Bowie on everyone.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

How much does a car weigh, typically, a carbon Gigi? £5,000, I would say.

[Adam Carolla]

Carmen Ghia is about. Is probably 29, 28 to £3,000.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right, so this weighed probably about £30,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Is that a 2020? About £27,000 onto that?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. And I don't even know. I can't remember what became of the car. I think it got put in its landfill somewhere or mistaken as landfill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's guys, like, once in a while, especially out here in Los Angeles, you'll see a guy and he's driving like a Nissan Sentra, but he put a BMW grill in the front of it, and he worked it out in such a way where it actually kind of works. But you realize that that took 250 hours of him in the garage of blending it in and cutting the metal back, welding the thing on. And he just took $2,000 off the price of his Nissan Sentra. Like, blue book on The Sentra is $6,000. Except for after the 200 man hours you put into it, it's now worth $3,000.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's not like you get paid back. A bone stock Carmen Ghia would be worth much more than the one your brother put his heart and soul and half his life into. Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

My brother's always had the worst cars. My brother picked me up from the airport a couple months ago. And when you have seagull crap on your dashboard, on the dash, on the dash, and it's not a convertible, and you don't live near the ocean, you.

[Giovanni]

Know, to get a new car, that's a CSI episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you have a good Eye for. For cars. I mean, you can look. You find stuff like that. I'll look at a car and I'll think, wow, this car is. Man, this is an expensive hot car. And it turns out to be like the body on a Volkswagen chassis. You know, the kits. Yeah, like that. Yeah, I fall for that stuff. I'll see like. Oh, that's a Cobra, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But here's the whole thing about a Cobra. If you see it driving down the street, it's probably not a Cobra.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

That's kind of how you. Yeah, you want to know the garage.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you see one, it's. There's a good chance it's not one because you. There's not many of those around. I want to try taking a phone.

[Kevin Nealon]

Call would be stupid not to.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody has a question for Paul Bryant, I think. Andrew. Andrew.

[Kevin Nealon]

Andrew from New York. Andrew, you're 22. Andrew's been there a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Andrew. Hello, Andrew. You have a question for bald Brian?

[Caller]

Yeah, how you doing? Actually, I was just. When you weren't here before, Ace man, I just wanted to call and get on, but Brian, Susan, my condolences on your various onuses and.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, well, thanks, Andrew.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks for validating me.

[Caller]

Kevin and Ace man, you're both comedy legends, I think. Living legend.

[Adam Carolla]

That's funny, isn't it? And yeah, I just wanted to like.

[Caller]

A made up movie for you guys possibly.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a made up movie for us?

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, I know you guys already have the. The gay eye and just one of the gays.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And I thought of an idea called for a movie called in the Gaby. Maybe you guys could.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Caller]

Kind of like the same idea as just one of the gays, except I don't know, we go to war with China or something crazy like that and they reinstitute the draft. But you know, everyone's homophobic still, so.

[Kevin Nealon]

What are you smoking?

[Caller]

I don't even want any gay guys in the navy. Army would have.

[Adam Carolla]

I see Tracy Morgan playing the lead in this.

[Caller]

Yeah, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he's trying to get like, get.

[Caller]

Shia LaBeouf or I don't know who's another actor like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Morgan and are like the same guy, so I don't think.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'd like to see Morgan Freeman as a. As his father.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like Morgan Le Buff to be.

[Giovanni]

That is a gay porn name right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Morgan LaBeouf.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome that he hung out so long for that. Someone wants to know if we have any expensive watches.

[Giovanni]

You're Wearing a very blingy watch right now. Susan?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I got this for Christmas and it has not worked since I got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got the same.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, we talked about collecting before. It's a nice place to collect stuff, but watches are one of those things that you can really start collecting.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a nice watch and the pizza man stole it.

[Kevin Nealon]

He did.

[Giovanni]

The 40 year old from Creek.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I've never owned a decent watch in my life. But I. I was thumbing through a magazine a couple years back.

[Brian Bishop]

Sky miles.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture of one. Yeah, it's like one. Yeah, something like that. Or it was at least on a plane. I. I know because Kevin was doing his fake pilot voice. I remember that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like to ask Adam to sit down or row seven, please. Making an approach into Cincinnati.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it was.

[Brian Bishop]

So you bought a watch?

[Adam Carolla]

I found a watch I liked. I actually tore out like the page that it was on and I brought it home and I think my wife bought it for me for. For Christmas. But I bought it for me because she didn't make any money. So, you know, you know, it's uncomfortable. But let's, let's call it. Let's be honest here. Right? So.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it's always a. You're already a crotchety old man.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, but it's not, you know, look, she could buy me whatever, whenever. Why wait for Christmas? But if it's my money, it just takes a little some of it.

[Kevin Nealon]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it's not your money when you get married.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's half her money. I forgot about that. Okay, so she bought me the watch that I wanted and I loved it. But then I realized it's not a self winder. It doesn't take a battery. You have to wear it every day. And you have to wear it like. Oh, you have to.

[Kevin Nealon]

You gotta dance a jitterbug.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to attach yourself to a paint can shaker for an hour a day. Or be like Minnie McCready after going to an epileptic seizure. And so it's too nice to watch. And I'm not even a watch guy anyway, I just thought it'd be cool to have it for occasion. So I thought, I'm not gonna wear this every day. But then I never want to wear it. Because every wearing involves setting it and then standing around like you're having a seizure and start spinning the condo sign. Those guys. Wait a minute. I should pull up to one of those guys. What makes it Mexican bad.

[Brian Bishop]

Where's my watch?

[Adam Carolla]

Put on this watch back in an hour it'll be charged for the next millennium, so. And also I was a little pissed at the fact that this is like a 5, $6,000 watch. It's an expensive watch that when I said, you know what, I'll just wear it, you know, I went out of town or something, I put it on every day. It was stopped in between days too. Like, Jesus, shit, put a goddamn battery in this thing. Like stop out. I hate it when expensive starts getting too smart for their own good. Like, I don't care if it's the same fucking technology a Timex has in it. If it works, it works. Put the goddamn battery in it. I'll change it every five years. I'll be fine this way. Unusable. Except for you can buy something out of the sky mall as well, which is this little device that actually swirls it around.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. I would like that for Easter. Can I have that?

[Kevin Nealon]

It's really.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like something. It's like something out of the sky mall that would drive your car in a circle twice, twice a week for no reason.

[Kevin Nealon]

Maybe the self winding watch is designed for somebody that's more active than you are.

[Adam Carolla]

It's definitely designed for the guy who wears it. Moves around once every six months. Aren't you curious of this guy from Moscow called Isn't that weird? Where is he? That was the one you're talking about, the watch. Oh. Oh. I didn't even punch him up. Going on in Moscow, worried about Americans. Well, Mikel. Michael. Michael made him a. I gave him. I gave him a Moscone name.

[Brian Bishop]

Da.

[Adam Carolla]

What's happening, Michael? Well, that was actually my question. I was just listening to you guys on the Internet. I was gonna. I was gonna ask about getting a watch, but I guess. Great to be on the air with you guys. Kevin Nealon, big fan of Weeds. I'm halfway through season four right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

So am I.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time you're on the last year, it's a better show. And Adam, and you know, you're amazing, but thanks. Yeah, no, I just got a bonus from my work and I was looking at getting, you know, buying myself a.

[Caller]

Little something to kind of a present for myself.

[Adam Carolla]

And I wanted to know, you know, you said the watch was worth five or six grand.

[Caller]

I was just wondering maybe what was.

[Adam Carolla]

The one that you ended up picking out and whatever happened to it? All right, well, number one, the pizza guy. No, I still have it. And number two, I don't know the name of it because I don't sweat the details. And as I've said to my wife, look, I may not be interested in your life, but I'm not interested in my life either.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? So it kind of evens out.

[Giovanni]

You're not playing favorites.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's what I think about watches.

[Brian Bishop]

You like that one?

[Kevin Nealon]

I like this watch. My wife Suzanne got this to me. Susan or Susan?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Penelope. I think the Tag Heuers are a nice watch. It's a middle price, expensive watch. It's not like a real expensive watch that people can go, oh, yeah, you just flaunting.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I used to have the Tag Heuer and until Tiger stopped fucking all those chicks. And I was like, I don't want to do with this anymore. It's kind of the opposite.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was not a role model anymore for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. While he was hostesses from TGI Fridays, I was really into the tag Horror thing. So as soon as I found out about his fest, I went out and got a tag horror thing. And then I found out he went to rehab. And I was like, you know what? I just. I don't. I'm not feeling it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was wondering what that little counter was on the Tag Horror.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it's for.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is that for your.

[Adam Carolla]

How many floozies? You know?

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, now that makes sense now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's great. Yeah. So that, that was my. I. I guess I did the opposite of Madison Avenue with Tiger. When he stopped fucking, that's when I got off the.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's the watch. Here's the watch I used to like to have a lot. The digital watch. You know, where you have the stopwatch on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that.

[Kevin Nealon]

You got to be careful because that's addictive. I was starting to time everything. I was like timing like airplane rise when I thought it was going to touch down. Like I said wheels left, I go boom. I was timing, like everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I remember you at a certain point, had to get a second watch to find out how long it would take you to time something.

[Kevin Nealon]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And I remember that one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I had one wrist and one on the other wrist. By the way, we were talking about this before we got here. These are no complaining bracelets.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

It says it's a complaint free world. And if you complain, you have to move it to the other wrist. And the goal is to do 21 days without complaining.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

But giving feedback. Giving feedback is not complaining. So if I said, you know, the couch is orange, that's not complaining. Oh, I hate orange. Then I have to move it to the other wrist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

So we've been doing on with each other.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of. Well, it's like that factory that has the, you know, 21 days since last accident kind of thing. I mean, it's sort of the personal equivalent to that. Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I personally don't think the sacrifice of moving from one wrist to the other is that big a deal. It should be more of a big. A bigger, you know, inconvenience.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, why? I got a plan. While it's on the way to the other wrist, you put it around your balls one time on the way. As long as you. If you think about it, put your hands by your side. Your balls are really the sort of Mason Dixon line between your two wrists. One snap and then onto the other wrist.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sounds good, but some people might like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but as long as you don't. I would definitely. I would eliminate the guys who enjoy that for those be no ball snapping.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And it'd be just as upsetting to them.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that'd be tough to come off of that without complaining. Off of the ball snap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I do complain about a lot of things, but what about up on stage? You can complain up on stage, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

No complaining anywhere. You could. You could. If you're not complaining, then you should be changing your attitude or. What was the other thing?

[Brian Bishop]

It's on our refrigerator.

[Adam Carolla]

It's on your fridge. You guys couldn't just settle on some Lance Armstrong liftstrong ones all the life? You had to get the weird purple.

[Kevin Nealon]

These are complain strongs.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just a little family. It's a little family thing. We're doing this family challenge we're doing.

[Giovanni]

We thought that Adam earlier, if we. If we give one to you, it would. It would burn you the same way like a poly water would burn a vampire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it would start smoking off your wrist. That's true.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, this is not complaining. You go, oh, yeah, that's the beginning complaining. But if you don't follow with anything. I don't think that's complaining.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not considered complaining. I got more questions. Sorry, I'm not stimulating Michael from Moscow. I want to know what he's doing there. Michael, I don't know if I can get him on the line. You hear me, Michael, did you see 60 Minutes last weekend? I don't know if I caught it last weekend. I try and watch it online when I can. All right. Because the guy is pretty much. Yes or no. But there's a guy from Moscow Russian businessman who's going to buy the New Jersey Nets, and it's going to be like, the first, I don't know, foreign owner of American franchise.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's changing the name to the New Jersey Nets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that? Is that the guy that owns a Chelsea soccer team in England? I don't. I don't think it's. That guy made his money in precious metals, right? I'd like to get in the metal business because the people, precious metal guys, seem to be rich, and the guys who do tin and unprecious metals seem to be rich, too. And I feel like I'd fall somewhere in between those guys. When the guys on the low end, the guys making the tin, tin foil, are rich, and the guys making the fillings are rich, I feel like that's pretty good business to get in. You know, I was gonna tell my kid to be either an airline pilot or a pizza guy. I'm gonna tell him to get into precious or unprecious. You know, get in a medal.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hey. Her sister has gold parties.

[Adam Carolla]

She's made a fortune off a gold party.

[Brian Bishop]

She goes to people's home. She flies to New York once a month. Ladies get together with their gold from the 80s, the big medallions, their rings and necklaces. She takes it, goes straight, mails it to the distillery.

[Kevin Nealon]

She's like, a course, didn't she? Or somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Prison guard. That's awesome.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they get teeth with gold in them.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

They'll hand her like they'll hand her teeth. She'll go to old churches in the country in Georgia, and they'll go to take a safe filled with men's white socks that are filled with gold bars, and she'll give them 35,000 cash.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell is this?

[Brian Bishop]

And she'll get to keep half of it. It's incredible. She's raking it in.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we got to get into this now, Michael. Yeah. All right. What are you doing in Moscow? I actually played professional hockey over here. Oh. What time is it over there? What day is it, for that matter?

[Caller]

It's 1:00am on Wednesday morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Good times.

[Kevin Nealon]

What do you play for?

[Adam Carolla]

I actually play for the Red Wings. Internal Affairs. It's a police team called the khl. They bring a ringer in from the United States to play hockey. I'm from Canada, actually. Oh. All right. Get out of here and enjoy. And what do we need to know about Russia? How's it. How's it going? How's Moscow right now? Is it good? Is it scary? Did you watch the news yesterday?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. The bombing and the subways.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's a subway?

[Kevin Nealon]

Suicide bombings.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I don't like the sandwich chain. Was it the sandwich chain? Because I'd be alright with that. I don't like those sandwiches. How many people died?

[Caller]

I think 39.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. And who did the bombing? It was two women, actually. Suicide bombers from Chechnya. Muslim extremists. What? You rarely hear about those people.

[Kevin Nealon]

See at the time, those female suicide bombers during their pm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess they got a group they've done the last 10 years. They're called the Black Widows. Wow. Strong. I don't know. They had some war in the 90s and all their husbands got killed. And then they're.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why wait so long?

[Adam Carolla]

Movie. Yeah, they. They should have waited. All right. Hey, thanks, Michael. Don't ride the subway. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, thanks for taking my call. Good times. Bye. All right. Wow. That's horrible. I was gone all day. I didn't. I watched two hours of Dancing with Stars but have time for nonsense like the news. Now I want to talk about your sister, the gold hunter.

[Brian Bishop]

The gold Carter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Nick Cage from that movie. Yeah, yeah, And I've seen those commercials and I've seen people, you know, times are tough and people are sort of cashing out a little bit.

[Kevin Nealon]

But how does it work?

[Adam Carolla]

She shows up to your house, pair of pliers and starts going through mouth.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, she finds someone to host a gold party. So a chick will call all her friends, they have a nice lasagna, some wine. People bring their gold over. My sister has her scale with her little glasses and she makes sure it's real. She buys it from people, gives them cash. Right. At the gold party, she does a.

[Adam Carolla]

Little chemical test right there.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she can do all of it.

[Adam Carolla]

She bites it like a plug nickel or something like that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not sure. I've never been with her to a party, but apparently it's pretty easy. She buys the gold, gives them cash.

[Kevin Nealon]

Brings a security guard with her.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she has guards that travel with her. And so I won't give her name.

[Kevin Nealon]

Then to Puerto Rico.

[Adam Carolla]

How much cash does she show up with on something like that?

[Kevin Nealon]

What's her bank?

[Brian Bishop]

I would say 20 to 40.

[Giovanni]

What's her role?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

And that would be Thousand Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh. Because I say I got that on me, but 20, $40,000. Wow, that's like.

[Giovanni]

Does the guard do the awesome thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Five watches for me. So what are the briefcases?

[Brian Bishop]

But she has guards with guns and everything, so she's really well.

[Adam Carolla]

But not when she's just throwing the party. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

They go with her to the party because you never know. She doesn't advertise the party parties. It's all friends that host at someone's house in the suburbs.

[Adam Carolla]

The word could get out that there's a lot of gold showing up or.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of cash that's going to be at the party.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, actually, it would be cash and gold.

[Brian Bishop]

Cash and gold and lasagna.

[Kevin Nealon]

Some people just want the lasagna garbage.

[Adam Carolla]

I definitely wouldn't leave without it. I would come for the cash, stay for the gold, and leave with the lasagna. That's how I rob things.

[Brian Bishop]

But she's a mom and she's got a couple kids and she loves doing this because it's one day a week or two days a week, and it's so easy. And it's a party with friends.

[Adam Carolla]

And what's. What's the vig? What? She gets 50%.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, at least, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

At least.

[Brian Bishop]

And there's no middleman. She always tells people, if you. You think you can get more for that ring, go to any pawn shop in the world. They will not give you what I'll give you. Because they have.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't that take a long time? I mean, they have to go to every pawn shop in the world.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll tell her before she got bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell her, stop saying that. Because nine years later, a disheveled person shows up and goes, why couldn't you say North America? But so she goes to churches. She goes to other places like that, and they have stuff stashed all over the place.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, because people will die and they'll give to the church in their will gold. And the churches will keep it in the basement.

[Adam Carolla]

And doesn't. But also, does she like people? No. Like, so someone so shows up to the party and gold right now is trading for $379 an ounce or whatever it is. I don't know what it is. But your. But your sister offers her. Offers the person $180 an ounce. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Or, well, we could call her. I don't know what she's. What she's offering.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got to be off the. Whatever it's waiting for. Right? And then she says, the person says, hey, it's 400 bucks an ounce and you're giving me 200 bucks an ounce. And she says, good luck going to a pawn shop because you get 100 bucks an ounce and probably get robbed.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But you'll see some cool tools and.

[Brian Bishop]

Guitars, but you'll get no snacks.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a great thing. They got all liquored up at these parties and then, you know, you start throwing your gold around. It's like. It's the modern wedding brand.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Look, it's the modern day Tupperware part.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's basically what it is. It's not Tupperware anymore. It's gold parties.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's making good bank.

[Brian Bishop]

Excellent.

[Adam Carolla]

And now she's traveling. She's going out the country.

[Brian Bishop]

She did go down, what was it? Puerto Rico. Huh. But mostly it's New York. Now she flies from Atlanta to New York and does it. She pays all of her taxes. So this is completely above board.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't. Yeah. Why is she paying her taxes?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, only if it's. If it's cash. She doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. See, he does care.

[Kevin Nealon]

But she said that she. Somebody gave her a tooth that had a gold filling and it was from the great grandfather or something. And usually they go to crack it and it cracks, but this one just pilfered into dust and the gold came out. Yeah. Just. And there's dust. Tooth dust flying everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you inhale the tooth dust.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be fun if you got a cavity from inhaling tooth dust. So she has to go literally extract the gold from the.

[Kevin Nealon]

That was. Occasions.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she has. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. It's rare that people bring that, but she does have, you know, gloves and she has the, you know, all about tools. She has the right pliers yet to do it. And she rings a bell and people are so excited and she's helping people. There's a woman who couldn't afford tires for a car. And so my sister gave her $300 and she felt bad for her, so she gave her like 350. She rings a bell and says, you're getting 350. And the woman started crying. She said, I can go get tires. I'm so excited. So she's doing. Doing her part in this.

[Adam Carolla]

Really doing the large work.

[Kevin Nealon]

She started off doing constant jewelry.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's start with constantly.

[Kevin Nealon]

She would fly to Puerto Rico and lose a lot of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Non precious metals.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But it had to be classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're dealing with pyrite. Probably not a great plan. I think that's fool's gold. The point is this. I'm trying to think of the thing that comes out of the earth that doesn't go back into the earth. Less than gold. Like, you know, you think about certain things, like water. You know, it rains, it goes down and then comes back up. You drink it, then you pee, and it goes back down again. And there's certain stuff you sort of pull out of it, you know, like wood. Wood gets used and it gets burned, and then it goes kind of goes back into the earth. Gold, it almost never goes back anywhere. Like, I don't know what percentage, you know, for every hundred pounds we've taken out in the last 200 years, there must be 99 pounds of that. 99.9 pounds of that crap floating around. Right? Well, even with electronics and stuff, now it's all getting recycled. Oh, you gotta get your sister into that electronics. Well, there's all this recycling going on where all these precious metals are being used and all these computers and blah, blah, blah. It's like a whole different. It's a whole different type of recycling. Does she is your sister. What was her job before this?

[Brian Bishop]

Stay at home, mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Stay at home, mom.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, man, she's been doing for years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. My wife's the same way. I mean, stay in the yard, mom. I like her outside, but I want to keep her just while I'm out. I don't know when Olga's there. She come in once. Once I come home.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think gold is going back into the ground, too. Like, if you have fillings that are gold, when you were buried. When you're buried. And back in the Egyptian days, a lot of the pharaohs had a lot of gold put with them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So a lot of that back then would go, well, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

But then. But then, you know, the tomb raiders would hit it. Yeah. By the way, that's good. And they get cursed or they get. They get the curse.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They always do that thing. I don't know. Like, I'm not suspicious, but I wouldn't raid a tomb.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, no, I wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm more of a panty raider. I feel like that's where my expertise is.

[Kevin Nealon]

If I was gonna rate it to him, here's how I would do it. Just like I was busting a party. If I was crashing a party, I would back into the entrance with a drink. A martini. Very, very discreet.

[Adam Carolla]

Filling it all the way on the white carpet. Come on. I brought it up.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would just keep walking back through the tunnels until I got to the goods, to the treasure, and then be.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, hey, what am I doing here?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, what am I doing here? I'll grab my handful and then walk out with A martini.

[Adam Carolla]

I would do it like I do the hostage negotiation, which I would send over a couple pizzas, you know, to appease the gods. Yeah. And then, you know, if they didn't eat it, it'd be. It'd be there for me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know.

[Kevin Nealon]

You guys like pizza, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, look, when they do the, you know, they give them like, you know, frankincense or whatever. Whatever. Whatever they give to the gods. I feel like a pizza. If I was a God, the pizza be a little higher up on. On. On the list of things to receive. That's all I'm saying.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You would have to make it on pita bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you a thick. Are you a thick pizza?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Are you a thin crust, thin New York style?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Chicago.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this careful.

[Giovanni]

Wristband, Adam, the wristband.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not complaining. I'm just saying the pizza is a good metaphor for life, which is. I will do a metaphor on this metaphor, which is, I believe in life you should either be, and I take this to my comedy stylings as well, either be up on the beach where it's safe and you're dry, or be out past the breakwater. But the in between areas where you get sort of pummeled in life, sort of staying kind of half assing it, you know, it's like as a. Applies to comedy where you go, I want to do a edgy, different kind of something that's not out there. I'm doing a sitcom that no one's seen before. And then you start watering it down and watering it down and watering down. Before you know it, you'd be better off just doing Two and a Half Men or just doing Curb youb Enthusiasm. But instead, you have a watered down version of an edgy comedy. And you're in the breakwater now. You're getting pummeled. And when it comes to pizza, thin crust, New York style, where you just taco in half and slide it in your mouth, that little weird little. That little bloody discharge kind of grease comes off the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you must be a father.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that. Love that. Yeah. Oh, that's where I would get it. At Manny's famous bloody, bloody discharge cheese. Or you go Geno's east. You go, nice thick crust pizza. But what you don't want is the shitty medium pizza. The doughy, chewy Cutty. Yeah, it's medium crust, thick crust. Geno's Ease fine. Thin crust, New York style, fine. But we offer in between and all the Shitty pizza joints do the same thing. It's the Domino's and. Well, actually, Shakey's is thin. I like shaky's, but I know it sounds bizarre, but they all offer that in between chewy, doughy, and it's no good. I'd say either be out in the breakwater, past the breakwater with the thick crust, or on the the beach with me enjoying a nice thin slice.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm on the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on the beach. Good.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep. On the beach, Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

On the beach.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm totally on the beach. But I occasionally go out there, break water to mix it up a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Bit before we're talking about pizza.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. On the beach. On the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was looking. I was digging up a picture of this new character I'm playing. Take a look.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Too much plastic surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Three hours of looking at a crazy picture. Kevin. Neal, what is that for?

[Kevin Nealon]

It's for this new Adam Sandler film I play. Adon is my name and I've had too much plastic surgery, but I like it. What is Heidi Meintag is my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, perfect.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's with Jennifer Aniston and. And that is a creepy Nicole Kidman.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. When is that coming out?

[Kevin Nealon]

Just go for it. AKA the pretend wife. Next year sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's a crazy picture.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's like Willem Dafoe and.

[Adam Carolla]

And Wayne Newton. Wayne Newton.

[Kevin Nealon]

Joker.

[Adam Carolla]

Sigmund Freud or enough Sigmund Freud. Sigmund. Sigmund and stuff. We're sigfring.

[Anderson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Officially losing it now. All right, should we take ourselves a little extended break? Why don't we give a little shout out? I mean, Facebook or something?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you know, I get the friends of Big Joe this Thursday with Howie Mandel at the Comedy Magic Club.

[Adam Carolla]

How's that going?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's going good.

[Adam Carolla]

You've done a series of these, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

We have done a series. This is the last one for now. We may do a couple more down the road.

[Adam Carolla]

How much have you raised? We don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Over a hundred dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

Over a hundred dollars.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I'm not sure how much we've raised.

[Giovanni]

That's pretty good advertisement.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like the report card. I hate to look. Right, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think it's going well.

[Adam Carolla]

People get huge dames in there.

[Kevin Nealon]

We had Roseanne down there last week and Gary Shandling and Sarah Silverman on the same night.

[Adam Carolla]

What's Roseanne doing? Rosanne being funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

She was hilarious.

[Brian Bishop]

So good.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she doing stand up? Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, she did stand up.

[Anderson]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

But she said one of her jokes was really funny. She goes, you know, it's tough getting old. You know, you dry in all the places you should be wet, and you're wet in all the places you should be dry.

[Adam Carolla]

That is funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so that is this. That's what help. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

People can go to [e-mail] to get more information and get tickets and things like that.

[Adam Carolla]

[e-mail] and ball. Brian.

[Giovanni]

I'm on Twitter. I'm Ballbrian. Follow me.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can see me at the Brea Improv tonight. And then we'll be out.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of course, Susan. A Thousand Oaks are going to be. I saw that on the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Susan. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Suzanne.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yes. Let's see. Parks and Recreation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh.

[Brian Bishop]

Talking about stuff on my. Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, my Twitter.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Your Twitter address. Sukiyakely@suki.s U K I, Y, E A G, L, E, Y. But also Parks and Recreation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're looking for that. So until next time, Adam Croll for Kevin Nealon. Susan Nealon.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Suzanne Nealon and Paul Nealon.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mahalo. All right. Welcome, Anderson. And welcome Bald Brian. Now, you know them from the Film Vault show, which is also on our network. And now they're on my show, although I thought I was on their show. A little confusion with Donnie and scheduling. We just argued over it. Maybe we'll air it because it was a funny argument with Donnie, but also Donnie, ever notice a lot of confusion around your conversations and not so much other people's? That would be an interesting way to approach things.

[Giovanni]

I like to feel the audience is confused right now.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll air it. It'll be. It'll be clear. I think. I think Anderson got a little uncomfortable with all that or. Or he was getting jealous. He's talking you're not a love line all the time.

[Giovanni]

I think Anderson is liberated by the fact that he can say the F word.

[Anderson]

Yeah, no, I try not to cuss talking to no Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, now that we're on the Adam Crawl podcast, let's get to the film.

[Anderson]

This is the Adam Carolla podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Anderson]

I thought we were on the phone ball right now.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm going to talk about. The Film Vault that's going to premiere on the ACE Broadcasting Top five most.

[Giovanni]

Uncomfortable moments in this studio.

[Anderson]

That number one. Well, I mean, we've only been around for four or five weeks. Actually. We've just been hanging around. We haven't actually done a show.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Anderson]

Our show starts tomorrow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tomorrow.

[Giovanni]

Show launches tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

That's when it premieres. Because this is. Well, what day is it now, then?

[Giovanni]

Today's second. Today's Thursday. Tomorrow's Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, that's how it's gonna work.

[Giovanni]

I've just returned from Italy, and, man, am I arms tired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So you want to talk films?

[Giovanni]

Well, the reason I brought up top five instead of top five most uncomfortable moments is because every episode, our hook, our gimmick, if you will. We do a top five gimmick. Nah, whatever. It's our thing. We do a top five in different categories. So we sort of shape the episode around that. So tomorrow, our debut episode, we're doing our top five most anticipated film for the summer. Something like a summer preview of him.

[Anderson]

Usually we reach farther back, though. We talk about film. Like top five buddy films, top five war films, top five sports films, top five remakes, top five sequels.

[Adam Carolla]

And so what is your top five most anticipated? We don't want to spoil that.

[Giovanni]

But it's a rare top five because we're looking forward.

[Adam Carolla]

Transformers coming out again. If only.

[Anderson]

Good question.

[Giovanni]

If only.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like, is there any. Any need for Transformers 3? I know they're doing it, but didn't people kind of lose momentum on two?

[Giovanni]

I got two and a half, three hours, so, yeah, there's a need.

[Anderson]

So Ryan will be masturbating until it in the theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't I don't do it in the theater? Why don't you at least? Well, that's why the floors are slaying it that way.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

As long as you're not a little.

[Anderson]

Bit our show, though. We were doing it on and off for like eight, nine years now. Unbelievably, we've actually, at one point, we made, I think, $3 an episode doing it on 97 1.

[Giovanni]

At one point, on their free 2.

[Anderson]

HD channel, a fan picked up a website and started just podcasting us for free. Free. Because he liked the show that much out of Ireland. Thank you, Stephen, for that. And now here we are with you. Thank you very much, Adam, for having us.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's my pleasure. I had no idea I was doing this. Which is another conversation we'll have at some point.

[Anderson]

No, I'm just saying thank you about having our show yours. I'm not talking about us being a guest per or you being a guest. I have no clue what's going on there.

[Adam Carolla]

No problem at all. And I'll Take.

[Anderson]

It was fun watching you yell at someone other than me, though, I gotta tell you that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Donnie. Donnie communicates, and then he lies is basically what happens. He doesn't call himself a liar.

[Anderson]

I like that, Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

He lies by sort of. I do not ever, ever, ever lie, Donnie.

[Anderson]

I'm telling you, Donnie, it's a misplaced anger. He wants to yell at me, but he knows it's wrong because I'm his guest.

[Adam Carolla]

So I only yell at those top five lives. Deserve it. Now, here's how Donnie lies without lying. We were arguing over whether he ever asked me to be on your show.

[Anderson]

We sat down, and Adam thought that we doing an episode of the Film Ball right now, and he was a guest on. On our show, as opposed to us being a guest on his show. And for 30 minutes of anger and.

[Adam Carolla]

Suit for the last last week, and maybe even a little before that, Donnie said, can you go on the Film Vault? Right. I'm not 100% sure because it's been so long. I said, well, you're not 100% sure. I'm sure when you said, can we explain that this is the launching of the Film Film Vault? Did you ever want me to be a guest on their show last night? Not last night. Last night. I don't want to talk about last night. Did you. Did you ever want me to be a guest on their show so I can find out how deep this miscommunication runs? Did you ever want me to be. No. Not a guest. You never wanted me to be a guest on the Film Vault? No. Okay, so now. Now, there might have been a miscommunication last night. No, not about. I don't. I don't want to talk about last night. I just want to. And, Donnie, I understand we have to say everything three times because of our past and the crazy miscommunications we have.

[Anderson]

Say five times for the sake of the top five.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Like the Boy Mary.

[Adam Carolla]

Five times. You. I'm gonna be careful. The words I choose. You never wanted me to be a guest or a part of their program? No. Never. Never. I don't know what was recited in the week or week and a half of trying to set this up. Oh, okay. So all last week, when you were saying, they're doing the Film Vault, can you come on? Can you come on the Film Vault? You didn't mean can I be a guest on the Film Vault? You meant, can the Film Vault be a guest on my show? Did I ever say, this is for the launch of the Film Vault on The Ace Broadcasting Network. Yeah. You acted like you wanted me to be a good guests on their show for their first show. Listen, can you do the Film Vault? You were saying, can you do the Film Vault? For the launch? Yes. So that means you're asking if I can be a guest on the Film Vault. Not if they can be. I'm sure I explained. They've already pre recorded four shows. Explain something. I'm sure I explained. Wait. Never drawn through with me. I'm being. I'm being very selfish right now. This is the Film Vault. Amount of time and it took us a week and a half to get this book. All right, all right. So let's move forward on that. And you and I promise we'll argue later, okay?

[Giovanni]

We've been booked.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. All right, so you never wanted me to be a guest on a show. So we were miscommunicating the entire time. Okay, when have I ever even lied? I'm stopping. I'm stopped. Film ball. Film Ball.

[Anderson]

Not to play into cliches and whatnot and going against you, Adam, but it's the first I've ever heard of you even maybe being a guest on our show. And I've talked to Donnie plenty over the last five weeks. Never once heard about you being a guest on our show. We were always supposed to be a guest on your show. We launch our show on your show the day before our show launches. That was always the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. So we were missing the entire time.

[Giovanni]

Donnie is defensively. I can see. If he said, hey, can you do the film Vault? He may have meant, can you do them at noon as opposed to can.

[Adam Carolla]

You film Vault show?

[Anderson]

You're a very important, important man. You got a lot of things on your plate. I mean, a little film vault miscommunication. Minor.

[Adam Carolla]

Minor.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who's the kisser now?

[Anderson]

There's some tongue in cheek, but minor.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Anderson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, he told. He. He told me during a very busy time in my.

[Anderson]

I like that Donnie. I like that Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Can you do the Film Vault? And I kept saying, well, can they tape on a Saturday? And I would say, can they do it on a Saturday? Can they tape on a Saturday? Maybe I can do it on a Saturday.

[Anderson]

Would you like to come on the film boat one day?

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I feel like I've been on it already. Not mentioned. This is of the Film Vault.

[Anderson]

The Film Vault does not sound like Film Vault.

[Adam Carolla]

So every show on Ace Broadcasting, how have we launched the shows? There's other shows. Damn. Came on ACP to launch. You know Days of Thunder. I thought you wanted me to be on for their first episode. That's what I thought. And that's the way you phrased it. My miscommunication last night. There was a cherry on the top of the ice cream that really put the confusion. Yeah, well, especially when I give little indicators like, yeah, but I can only do a half hour and then I got a split. Those are little things. They can be misconstrued. But that's little indicators that should. Bells should go off going, wait a minute. Well, we have done half hour ACP shows too.

[Giovanni]

This does remind me eight years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Why can you do their show?

[Giovanni]

Anderson would make a great co host because he's at the time the angriest guy that I knew. And I was a pretty, you know, sunny guy. And I thought it good sort of dichotomy. But Adam is angry also. But Adam, I was telling after Anderson his anger in a different kind of way. You get angry at things that are in front of you or that catch your attention, whereas Anderson broods like he's like a slow burn all day. This would bother him.

[Anderson]

We talked about this on the way in to a show that we did recently. Brian and I were stuck in the car, unfortunately for like an hour and 20 minutes together due to a high speed chase. And we were talking about the differences in my anger compared to your anger. And yours is more like a flies in front of you. And you're pissed of that fly and you're trying to, you know, get it out of your face and kill it at the time. The next day you're not thinking about that fly anymore. You moved on to other things. I'm still thinking about the fly. I'm bitching about the fly. Three weeks later, I might remember that motherfucking fly. That was my face.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but I have a whole new set of flies and front of me to follow.

[Anderson]

You always have. So do I. But I catalog them all and. And I'm always, yeah, angry at numerous things.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. My head is reeling because I was so convinced a week or two ago that Donnie, I didn't. Our miscommunication is on top of miscommunication.

[Anderson]

Remember last time you and I got into it on Loveline and it was really ugly and we were screaming and yelling at each other back and forth and David Al Greer actually walked off. That was the most recent time. I feel like I'm David Algeria right now.

[Giovanni]

Was that about me?

[Anderson]

It was about you too.

[Giovanni]

Ironically, coincidentally, you're promoting the laughter all Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, but at least this has to do with your program.

[Anderson]

That's true. We've got a lot of the film vault. I mentioned a lot. Like price. 60 so far.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This didn't have anything to do with David. Our argument in front of poor David, let's be honest. And nothing to do with the chocolate news.

[Anderson]

Let's be honest. He left because no one was talking about him. I mean. Yeah, that's why he walked.

[Kevin Nealon]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's. That's what Dag does. Dag does what's best for dad. He's a good guy, but he's not.

[Anderson]

Dag was actually wishing cancer upon himself at that moment so he could be part of the conversation, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I want. I feel like if you guys are gonna tease your top five most anticipated movies of the summer, you gotta each toss out one. All right, I need one from each of you. Pick your five if you like. Mine doesn't have to be number one.

[Anderson]

My. I believe mine was number two. And I'm not going to say the actual title or anything, but it comes from a director who centers his films around child rape.

[Adam Carolla]

Why can't you say, give away one of the five? That's not anything. That's number five.

[Anderson]

Well, no one's heard of my number two anyways, so. Love in. In a Time of War, made by Todd Salons, who pretty much makes films about anything you can think of that's uncomfortable. That happens in American society.

[Adam Carolla]

People have heard of Love in a Time of War. Yeah, I have.

[Giovanni]

I've heard dull.

[Adam Carolla]

Love in the Time of. Well, maybe that was it. Is it a book?

[Anderson]

I might even have the title not right because I don't have any notes in front of me. I.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you anticipating this film?

[Anderson]

Because I love Todd Salon's films. You might know his films such as Happiness, Storytelling, welcome to the Dollhouse. He makes films few and far between, but when he does make them, they're very.

[Giovanni]

They're edgy. Uncomfortable.

[Anderson]

Edgy. Uncomfortable. Hilarious. Probably the most dark filmmaker. Comedic filmmaker out there.

[Giovanni]

And Brian, my fifth number five choice for the most anticipated movie of the summer was probably the movie everyone's paying the most. It's Iron Man 2. I'm kind of a sucker for big budget explosions and superheroes and sequels. And this is everything, including my. One of my favorite actors, Mickey Rourke.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Mickey Rourke.

[Anderson]

And our taste contrasts quite a bit, which is nice. So you get the full spectrum.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Anderson]

And Brian, that film doesn't come out in summer, comes out in spring. So I said default does not work for me.

[Giovanni]

May what it's May 6th or 9th.

[Adam Carolla]

And what about now? What about like when you see one of these like Cameron Diaz, Tom Cruise, night and day blockbusters coming out and you know, you see him hitting it, hitting it pretty hard and hitting it early and often. And then you see the thing I popped up on the screen the other day and it was like June 26th and I'm like, wow, are we hitting this thing early and often? Is that in a way sort of feel like an apology or is it. It's like there's certain things in, in which you guys, you guys do film criticism on the film Vault right here in the Ace Broadcasting Network. The certain things like a movie that gets pushed back a year, doesn't get released or that's not. Not. No, you know what, we're not sending this out to reviewers. We're just gonna, you know, certain.

[Anderson]

An example. Remember the Boat that Rocks? You were Philip Seymour Hoffman. It was getting pushed a lot like six months ago. Do you remember this film?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, about, yeah, there was a, there was a, a movie about like the pirate radio station that was on a barge and it seemed like a good idea, but they kept pushing.

[Anderson]

Yeah, pushing hard. And then, and then they actually literally pushed the film by four months and renamed it and recut it. That's a terrible sign that, that means that the film has got huge problems and they're already trying to make up for those problems by over pushing it a lot of time. They'll get a budget and they'll put a ton of the budget into just advertisement to get the word out there. Once the film comes out, they're looking for a giant opening weekend, then you never hear about it again. You'll never hear see another trailer or commercial until it comes out on video three months later or DVD I should say.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Because once the word gets out there, once this first wave of eyeballs hits.

[Anderson]

It, they're looking for the one night stand, which is the opening, right?

[Adam Carolla]

They're not going to report back to, they're not going back to camp infected and going to give everyone else smallpox.

[Giovanni]

Summer films have awareness, you know what I mean? If you, if you pulled 10 people off the street and said, have you heard of these films? Iron Man 2, Love in the Time of War. You know, the kids out, the ones they recognized were the ones that are.

[Anderson]

Gonna mustache the starving little Ethiopian kids with flies in their eyes and the giant pot bellied stomachs. They have heard of Iron Man 2.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right?

[Anderson]

I mean that's how well the advertisement machine works for these summer films. Those kids are starving in Africa, but they're well aware of a film called Iron Man 2 coming up. And it's. It's. But Iron Man 2 might not be the greatest example to use, because I think it's going to be a good film.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, Robert Downey Jr. He doesn't make a lot of bad.

[Giovanni]

Does make a lot of bad movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn good batting definitely in the upswing.

[Giovanni]

Sort of like Johnny Depp around the time time. The Pirates of the Caribbean. You know what I mean? He's kicked the drugs. He's on the upswing. Things are looking good for him.

[Anderson]

Johnny Depp's a drug addict?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but.

[Giovanni]

No, but similar to Johnny Depp resurgence.

[Adam Carolla]

So back to Night and Day, right? Is this thing going to be as big a piece of as it seems or.

[Giovanni]

Tom Cruise doesn't make a lot of bad movies. People sort of forget Vanilla sky, my favorite remake of all time. Number one remake of all time.

[Anderson]

Would you hold that weight, dude? Because we're going to do that episode in a few weeks. Jesus Christ.

[Giovanni]

Spoiler, spoiler. Anyway, think about Tom Cruise. People get caught up in sort of the media thing and the Oprah couch jumping and the Mary and Katie.

[Anderson]

Stop being glib. You're being glib.

[Giovanni]

He doesn't make a lot of bad movies. Tom Cruise makes pretty consistently decent movies.

[Anderson]

Okay, we talked about this on a different incarnation of the film ball, the movie beat, or whatever we called it way back when. And that is. Tom Cruise might be the most underrated actor out there. He might be, because his name is so much bigger than his actual acting. He's a great actor. And people lose that in his jumping on couches, which Brian was just saying.

[Giovanni]

In his early days, he's in Top Gun and Days of Thunder, which fine movies, but not great movies. You know, I'm saying, like, they were sort of.

[Anderson]

Katie's saying.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they're beneath him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I think.

[Adam Carolla]

How about Anderson holding the mic an inch from his lips? Your mic being nine inches from your. Is that a problem? Sonically?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's okay with everyone? All right.

[Giovanni]

I'll hold mine if you want me to.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's gonna suggest the other way around, but as long as it balances out. Maybe if you hold it four inches from your lips. I move.

[Anderson]

I move my. My head so much, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Anderson]

Plus, I'm a technical OCD freak, so.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Anderson]

I come. That's where I come from.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So the. The Five now, Anderson, you're into filmmaking, right?

[Anderson]

Yeah, I could say that. I guess I could consider myself a failed filmmaker because I graduated from film school 10 years ago with Steven Spielberg himself and have yet to make anything since other than documentary that I never edited together.

[Adam Carolla]

You went to USC to study film?

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

What about Steven Spielberg?

[Anderson]

My least favorite film in the world come from usc.

[Giovanni]

Long Beach State.

[Anderson]

Long Beach State. Long story. But he ended up graduating with my class of 24 people.

[Adam Carolla]

Even though he was Steven Spielberg.

[Anderson]

Yeah, he was actually on the roll sheet in my class, but never showed up one day. The teacher wrote a excuses for him every day and gave him an. They actually gave him a degree and he showed up and walked with our class.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would he do that?

[Anderson]

Because he has. Apparently he has a bunch of African American children that he's adopted that he wanted to set a good example for. However, I don't understand how that's a good example at all, seeing that he never showed up one. One day.

[Giovanni]

Edison is a conspiracy theorist.

[Anderson]

Well, all the ass kisses in my class, all 23 of them, went up and shook his hand and said how great it was to meet them. And I just sat there smoking cigarettes, giving them dirty looks.

[Adam Carolla]

But should you be saying, nice to meet you on the last day of class?

[Anderson]

Not if you never showed up for one day. And I'm slave.

[Adam Carolla]

You shouldn't be. You shouldn't be meeting a fellow student on the last day of class.

[Giovanni]

Pleasure to meet you.

[Adam Carolla]

Pleasure to meet you.

[Anderson]

He turned in films throughout, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did.

[Anderson]

He turned in ET And I'm not making any of this up. It sounds like total bullshit, but he turned in ET as like his final project. He got an A.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wait a second here.

[Giovanni]

My little graduation project. It's called Jurassic Park.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me. Let me try to figure something out here. Spielberg, who at some point went to usc, right?

[Anderson]

I don't think he ever went to Long Beach State.

[Adam Carolla]

He never went.

[Giovanni]

Donated a shitload of money.

[Adam Carolla]

He just gave a bunch of money.

[Anderson]

Flunked out of Long Beach State.

[Adam Carolla]

They flunked out of Long Beach.

[Anderson]

They told him, you're a terrible filmmaker. Go away. That says anything about the program over there.

[Adam Carolla]

He then he adopted a bunch of black kids and he wanted to set an example by getting his college degree. It's sort of that thing that guys in the NFL do. Even though they get the big paycheck and the big payday and the contract and everything, they'll go back and make mama happy and get their degree. Okay, so he then wants to set an example. So 30 years on to his film career. 25 years on to his film career. He decides to go back to his alma mater, which is Long Beach State, and get his diploma, right? He's a film major. So thus Anderson's a film major. And this is circa 2002. 2002. So he's gonna go back and he's gonna graduate, but obviously he's a busy man and he's not going to Long Beach. And sitting behind Anderson, he was getting hit with secondhand smoke and homemade suds.

[Giovanni]

He was shooting AI. So he decided, take a break and go right.

[Anderson]

Don't bring up AI.

[Adam Carolla]

But he did.

[Anderson]

Please don't bring that film up.

[Adam Carolla]

He did do homework or assignments and things like that.

[Anderson]

Retrospectively, yes. Like, he turned in homework that he had done since he had flunked out.

[Adam Carolla]

So he turned in on his own. He turned in.

[Anderson]

He pretty much homeschooled.

[Giovanni]

He said, there's list.

[Adam Carolla]

So he turned in E.T. yeah. And would you guys watch it as a class? No.

[Anderson]

No. We didn't even. Here's how it happened. Here's how we found out it was a conspiracy. Conspiracy. Because I was. I knew the class. We started with, like, 250 people, and then they whittled us down to, like, 50 people, and then only 24 of us made it to the next step. Actually, 23. And one day, I was always with our professor. I bullied him a lot. I was. I was a dick to him because.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Anderson]

Yeah, I know. Weird, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Giovanni]

The Anderson I know, never.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Anderson]

Chris Hart, if you're out there, I love you. But him, kind of a pain in the ass, so I would love screwing around one day.

[Giovanni]

Professor.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Anderson]

He actually made a film that was huge at Sundance. So that's why. It's one of the reasons why Sundance is not credible anymore. Anyways, I went up there and I was looking at the role sheet because I was just bored with whatever he was trying to teach us. And I saw a name, and I don't remember the name. He, like, used Chris Kelly or something. And I said, who's this person? I've never seen this person in our class. And he said, don't worry about that. Anderson. And he started putting the paper away. And then I demanded to know and. And it turned out that it was Steven Spielberg.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy sounds like a royal pain in the ass.

[Anderson]

My professor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the guy stood there and tried to put papers away. He was a pain in the ass.

[Giovanni]

What a jerk.

[Anderson]

He was a pain in the ass.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing worse Than a guy who tries to put papers away when you demand things. Yeah, it's really just. It's really the very definition of pain in the ass.

[Giovanni]

Anderson is like a pig that finds truffles. He knows how to find these a.

[Anderson]

Holes worse than you work your ass off. And I mean, I was just a slave. I was so into the film department and making films and you know, just top of the, top of the class A's everywhere. And then I finally get to the program that I've been working so hard to get. Only the precious 23 of us get there. And since it's a fucking state school, not goddamn USC where you buy your goddamn diploma or ucla, it's a state school. So we get our professor and it's this guy who. Nice guy, but had just terrified of life and everything and had very little to teach. So that's why he's a pain.

[Adam Carolla]

I find people are terrified of life. They'll make good films oftentimes. Yeah. So now. So Spielberg graduates and he does show up for actual to get the diploma. Yeah, no, that's fine.

[Anderson]

Bold move, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess. Did he bring his kids? Did he want that picture?

[Anderson]

It was Long beach. So it's hard to tell because it's Anderson. I'm just saying. There's ethnically diverse out there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. Well, the kids wearing the kevlar vest that I guess would have been. Would have been Spielberg the new showed up wearing the kevlar yarmulkes.

[Anderson]

Everyone was excited about me. Apparently I was the only one not. Not.

[Adam Carolla]

That could be the name of one of your books.

[Anderson]

Everyone excited.

[Adam Carolla]

And so now what do they teach in film class? And how much of it is actual theater technical stuff and how much of it is story and editing. Like what do you get? The Full Monty? Or they just focus on the screenwriting. Like how does that work?

[Anderson]

That was part of the breakoff point to you if you figure out if you want to make films overall, such as write, direct, be an auteur, if you will, which is somebody who actually sees all facets of film. Or if you want to specialize, which I didn't do. Which kind of puts me in a difficult particular here because I'm not a specialty of anything. I need to be the big boss on something, which is hard gig to get. But we learned a little bit of everything. Whereas other people broke off and they just learned how to edit or just how to be on camera crew and just do the production side of things, such as director of photography.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you had your wish. Would you like to direct or write or.

[Anderson]

I don't want to get into this because it makes me sound just like what I am at the present time right now. Adam, if you'd like to let you going back to Loveline days. Right now I'm working at radio.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Anderson]

That's why I have a film strip tattoo my arm.

[Adam Carolla]

But most people. Most people have an idea.

[Anderson]

I want to. I want to write and direct.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all right.

[Anderson]

I still write all the time and I'm still working on this and that. To be honest, I. I drink too much and I love sleeping in and I love hanging out with my three little dogs. Probably more than out in Hollywood doing what I should be doing, which is hitting the pavement and it's just showing.

[Giovanni]

My house said it picked me up and drive me over here was 11:15am And I said, want a beer? Jokingly, he said, yes, unjokingly. And drink a beer.

[Anderson]

It's a good beer, not a bad beer.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good beer. Listen, there's nothing wrong with a good beer in the. In the a.m. and yeah, it's, you know, look, it's. It's a shitty, tough business. You have to just be dogged. And if you're not dogged and no one, there's no nepotism. And I'm guessing your family back in Pittsburgh? No, they're from my dad.

[Anderson]

I'm actually born and raised out here. Adam, I don't know if you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what's the hell.

[Kevin Nealon]

The big.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the big Penguins.

[Anderson]

I brainwashed and from the point of. When I was three years old, my dad dressed me up in Steeler gear because he was from Pittsburgh. But now I just said all that, I'm just a big giant Penguin fan. Die Hard got a big game coming up later on today. Anyways, that being said, my. Yeah. My family is of no help. Great, great people. My dad's lost his mind, though, and.

[Adam Carolla]

He lost his mind.

[Anderson]

Yeah, he's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Anderson]

He doesn't remember. He's addled.

[Adam Carolla]

That doesn't mean you're crazy. It's because you don't remember.

[Anderson]

Oh, he's crazy. He's crazy before he's crazy when he barricades the entire house. The whole house is. I tell him that he's become Howard Hughes, but he doesn't have the genius.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes, he likes that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a poor man's Howard Hughes.

[Anderson]

He's a poor man's Howard. You a stupid poor man's Howard.

[Adam Carolla]

You Love it.

[Anderson]

Never what you want, but every night, like, he'll take. He'll move the couch and barricade the.

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Anderson]

The. The. The French doors so that no one can get in the back. No one's trying to steal from his house. I'm always like, dad, what do you got, the lost ark in here?

[Adam Carolla]

What's.

[Anderson]

What's. What's so valuable? Yeah, and he's like, people. It's desperate times, son. Desperate times.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I would argue, like, what if someone was casing the house and was eyeballing the sofa, and now you just moved it right by the door? Like, now it's easy pickings, right?

[Anderson]

Plus, what are they? What are they. What are they hiding in there? What. Why are they barricade in the house?

[Adam Carolla]

Could be. Yeah, it's a good point. It's got to be something valuable in that house. Now we gotta get in somebody. Yeah, we gotta get around that sofa first, by the way.

[Giovanni]

First things first.

[Adam Carolla]

Grab that sofa. It seemed like every movie, bringing it back to movies. There used to be scenes in almost every movie where someone was chasing somebody. Somebody would pull over a vending machine or something behind them.

[Giovanni]

Blues Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Or go into an office and barricade themselves in the office. Feel like there was a scene that was in almost every horror movie. It was in every horror movie and half the action movie.

[Anderson]

It happens in Lost every other episode.

[Adam Carolla]

As well where you run, and as you run, you knock shit over behind you. I always feel like no substitute for just running.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, stopping and knocking over bookshelves slows you down more than it slows down the guys running behind it.

[Giovanni]

If you're a little bit faster than that guy, then you're in good shape.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I feel like you're motivated to be a little bit faster than that guy. Yeah, I always. The other one they used to do in movies that they don't do anymore either is at some point you would throw something. Like, you would reach into a grocery bag and grab a can of corn and chuck it at the assailant who was running away. And there'd be a slight. Like a bomb dropping out of a World War II bomber as a can of corn hit the guy in the back of the head, knocked him out.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Cole.

[Anderson]

And then he would overact the.

[Adam Carolla]

He'd always jerk, like, way too much. And there's. There's a certain kind of overacting. And that overacting is like when you're John Candy and you have to serve up the racquetball and has to Hit you in the forehead. There's a weird move that they do whenever someone is intentionally taking one in the head. It goes forward, right?

[Anderson]

Then forward again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think it's that little slight move. It's also to center it on the forehead because maybe it would have hit you toward the hairline or maybe it would have hit you in the bridge of the nose.

[Anderson]

Let's just say you are sexually attracted to that act, that overacting and being killed or hit a great beat off film. All his entire catalog would be Jackie Chan films. I mean, every single actor that gets hit in his films pretty much does that.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird head jerk.

[Anderson]

Weird head jerk. So I wish that I was sexually attracted to that because that would be a nice catalog fix for you. Easy fix. We gotta go, though. I hate to break up this party, but I'm late.

[Adam Carolla]

Today is young. All right, well, I want to say this too. Maybe Jackie Chan has done it for so long and so well that it's become its own style.

[Anderson]

Maybe they're all mock mimicking now.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, maybe it lives in its own reality. These Jackie Chan things.

[Anderson]

Fair to Jackie Chan. I wasn't saying him per se. It's the people that work with people.

[Adam Carolla]

That receive the blows. Yeah. Not the blow.

[Anderson]

Receivers, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Film Vault premieres tomorrow. Premieres tomorrow. What day is it today?

[Giovanni]

Today's Thursday, April 20th.

[Anderson]

The great thing about the Film Ball real quick is we go way back into the annals of film history. We talk about films that haven't been talked about in the media in quite some time that deserve their due or to be re. Looked at revisited as well.

[Giovanni]

They're a photo album, you know, I mean, like, oh, yeah, that was a good time.

[Anderson]

And we research. I mean, we prepare for this show. We. We watch the films a lot of time.

[Adam Carolla]

We.

[Anderson]

We read up on them. We give you fun facts. So it's good that way. And we also do a segment called Red Light, Green Light with Miss Movies, which we should mention, where we talk about films that are in production.

[Adam Carolla]

How much noise do you make with your cup during the course of your show?

[Anderson]

So we talk about films from way back when and way in the future. And very seldom do we talk about films that are brand spanking new.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. All right, I agree.

[Anderson]

See what I'm saying?

[Giovanni]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

One for yes, two for no. Yes. I know what you're saying. You're not just going over. You can see any review of any new movie.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

At any place. But what did you say?

[Anderson]

Brian, we're siskel. And Ebert, but younger and alive.

[Giovanni]

And alive.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Although with a brain tumor.

[Anderson]

Siskel and Ebert, younger and alive plus brain tumor plus two jaws.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, how about that? Because Siskel, but you do have a black wife. Don't do that.

[Giovanni]

Please don't bring that up.

[Anderson]

Maybe Brian and I will come back and do this again where we don't spend the first half hour with Donnie taking shrapnel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's quite an argument. Like I said, my head is reeling. But we'll play a part today. That too. All right, so. And now, until next time, this Adam curl for ball. Bryan and Anderson and their buddies on the film Vault saying Mahala.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right, there was the madness of.

[Giovanni]

Adam Crow Show 291.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. That was a podcast that released.

[Giovanni]

How crazy is that Podcast about a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

Never quite happened. Coming up next, we have Adam Crollo show693.

[Giovanni]

Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, 2010. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a place out here for millionaires on Ventura Boulevard called the Wiener Factory. Those who are Southern California natives know it, and it went out of business a few years ago. Wiener Factory, Yeah. Back in the day, they played good.

[Alison Rosen]

Music and they had supple buns.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the only time I really feel free is. Is when I'm eating a hot dog and on the dance floor.

[Alison Rosen]

Tell me about it, sister.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was great because I get low and browse there. When I was like 17 or 18, it was one of those, we don't check ID, right? And they start a food truck. One of the guys who worked there, it's one of these things where the guy went, he worked there for 15 years. And then when they went out of business, everyone was like, ah, man, we're gonna miss the Wiener Factory. And he just said, you know what? Screw it. I'll start a food truck and I'll do the same dogs we used to do at the Wiener Factory. So anyway, you can check them [e-mail].

[Alison Rosen]

I didn't realize this was them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just came by and fed everybody. And it's because I was complaining about those God damn Dodger Dogs, just how fucking horrible they are. And here's what I'm tired of in life. I'm tired of the people are like, well, that's your opinion. I like, fuck you. You're an idiot. I'm tired of that. The Dodger Dog is a vastly inferior product. It is piece of. It's like, you going, well, okay, you prefer the BMW, I prefer the Tercel. So now it's even. No, it's not. You're fucking retard.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's like if I said I enjoy eating feces, that's my lifestyle choice.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Honestly, you want to know what the Dodger dog benefits from?

[Alison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

It benefits two things it benefits from. It benefits from people growing up being fed the Dodger dog, basically, like poi or Vegemite or. They just kind of get used to it and have a lot of good memories of them, them and their dad before the molestation started. All that stuff like, oh, man. Back when my parents were together and Steve Garvey was playing first base and I was seven years old, we used to go there. My dad would get me a Dodger Dog. So there's a lot of that. And then there's a second part. It's a cultural thing. There's a lot of fucking people from fucking Laotian people. And not to mention all of Mexico, they don't know a good hot dog, let's face it. Listen, Mexico. Stop fucking around with the hot dogs. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. The Jews know hot dogs, the Germans know hot dogs. There's groups that know dogs. You guys don't know dogs. And if you did know dogs, you wouldn't have to wrap them in bacon. That's the biggest hot dog apology in the world. I mean, for Christ's sake, you wrap liver in bacon. Hot dogs in bacon.

[Alison Rosen]

You could wrap a shoe in bacon.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is it? I'll eat it right now.

[Alison Rosen]

I think the ween is gonna start offering it.

[Adam Carolla]

What you got over there in Dodger Stadium is a whole shitload of Mexicans and they don't know shit about hot dogs. And then you have a bunch of guys that, with the Stockholm syndrome that were brought up with it. And then he mix in some other disaster, mix in some other crazy nationalities. You again, don't know fuck about hot dogs. And you have a stadium filled with and or brainwashed people who don't know enough. Because if they did that in front of a group of guys from Chicago or a bunch of German dudes, they fucking set that place on fire.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. If they tried to offer them their extra long meat paste.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Farmer John, Jesus fucking Christ, does he make a shitty dog? Only in la. Really? Only in la are we fucking stupid enough? We're just so stupid. We're so fuck. We can't be. I mean, how is it that LA is, you know, the seventh largest economy in the world and all that kind of shit. And we're the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.

[Giovanni]

It's been years since I agreed with you this much. I'm so thrilled to see you hate the Dodger dog so much.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so brutally God awful bad.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, Dodger Stadium. This much fall. Very much in love.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't like Dodger stuff. Bad experiences there. All right.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't like sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Now where was I? Oh boy. Boy, what a fucking day. So Lynette's out of town. Gee, guess what she's doing?

[Alison Rosen]

Going to see Bruce Springsteen something.

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce. Bruce something? Yes. And she's going. She's out of town. She's with her friend.

[Alison Rosen]

Did she get her hair cut before she went or do anything like that? You suspect that she's sleeping with Bruce Springsteen?

[Adam Carolla]

No, she didn't rub out her car fender or anything like that. But she's going to see her benefit with Bruce and she's in New York. And so I'm left with the kids and the dog. And the dog's, you know, a mess and diabetes and is blind in one eye and the other one's going. And so I announce I'm taking the kid to school today.

[Alison Rosen]

Who do you announce this to?

[Adam Carolla]

The heavens. And by the way, what the hell is going on with school? There's parents. Mom and dad walking their kid in to school today. They sicken me.

[Alison Rosen]

Who's. Who's home asleep?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Alison Rosen]

What's the point?

[Adam Carolla]

Mom and dad walking. I mean, it's just.

[Alison Rosen]

You don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Moms and dads and dads and moms. And then full couples, like, come on, they don't need two of you, do we really don't. And, and it's this thing where, ah, the kids really want, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of build up. You know. The kids really want you.

[Alison Rosen]

Meanwhile they really don't.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't give a shit. They're sitting in the back of the car reading a book. And then when I get them out, they don't even. They're like, huh, Kiss off, old man. So I walk the kids over to school. I gotta get up. I'm out late last night celebrating Jimmy's birthday. Had a few. Few margaritas and up, up early. Yeah, good times.

[Alison Rosen]

What's that one keystroke?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, that was the opening of a brewski. So I'm out. I'm out a little bit late. I have a couple margaritas celebrating with Jimmy and up at the crack of Fuck. This morning, getting the kids ready, getting them dressed, you know what I mean?

[Alison Rosen]

Were you still drunk?

[Adam Carolla]

I had a buzz, but you know, buzz driving. It's drunk driving as we learn. So I'm getting the kids ready and I'm trying to get them fed and I'm trying to get all their shit together. And the Beverly kids got a backpack now filled with shit. I'm seeing these six year olds walking around the backpacks like they're fucking walking the John Muir trail.

[Alison Rosen]

Don't even talk about their purses.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell's going on? What's in all those? In all this shit? And how'd we survive it out of a huge backpack? I never had a backpack. But anyway, Ray would have in it if I had a backpack, for sure. I mean, I, I had a rams beanie in my rams beanie. Of course he would have. In my back, back. God knows what he would have done in the backpack. So I'm getting them ready, I'm getting them dressed, I get the whole thing. Thank God. Assistant J, just on his own, decides to show up a little early. I can't, I can't get there late because I'll hear about it. So I get the kids off to school, fine, tired, working on the second book. At a certain point now, like I said, I go to visit my mom. I said, better go visit my mom because I'm right in the neighborhood. I'm planning a visit with my mom. The only good thing about having old parents is you can call them at like 7:45 and like, hello? They've been up for four hours.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Because I fell asleep and the street lights came on, you know, so they're like, hello? Yeah, hello. I mean, you could call my dad. You could literally, you, you could be driving past my Dad's house at 5:45 in the morning and just knock on the door and he'd just answer in a full suit. Hello. Drinking a cup of Postum. How you doing? Good afternoon. That's what he'd say, right? So I called my mom at like literally like 8 10. And she's like, howdy. I was like, hi, man. Yep. You all right? Yeah. What's up? Yeah, midday. Yeah, get rich. Get ready to take a nap.

[Alison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I said, you know, I owed you a visit. And I was in the neighborhood, so dropped the kids off at, you know, come by, you know, say hi. And my mom's hips fucked up. She's getting old and she's, you know, she's slowing down. Quite a bit.

[Alison Rosen]

She wasn't that fast before, really.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, she was never what, what you call Dave maggot of the neighborhood. Little football reference for you.

[Giovanni]

Digging deep.

[Adam Carolla]

Digging deep.

[Giovanni]

1990 giants.

[Adam Carolla]

Look it up. She was never what you call a motor scooter. But I, you know, just start talking and we just get. There's like, there's a little bit of a couple of problems. I'm going to try, try to be somewhat respectful here. But we had old neighbors and the old neighbors, I was very friendly with the son, but the gal wasn't that sweet to my sister. And the mom was an all out bitch. I mean, she was a bitch. And I didn't like her. And they were like divorced and whatever. And then at some point they moved away and began a life that sort of involved some divorces and some, you know, workman's comp and some more divorces. Let's put it to you this way. My one pal there, the neighbor, three kids, twins and a boy. The twin Girls, who are 22, both in prison, one in Florida, one out here.

[Alison Rosen]

That's good that they've stayed close.

[Adam Carolla]

And son shot in the head and blind.

[Alison Rosen]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

And my mom who shot him, one of his friends or something, screwing around, whatever. So got the three kids and two, the girls are in the joint and son's blind. And my mom never stops with the hey, guess who's in town. You know, it's like, yeah, this is awesome, mom. Why don't you hang around with someone who has a fucking nickel? Fucking get a friend that has something. Somebody just has, like an unfinished furniture joint or something, or a hot dog truck or something, you know, instead of folks in federal prison, you know, and it's like, hey, guess what? I was nine when they moved, you know, like, I'm cool now, you know? So it's a lot of that. And my beef is always with my mom's because all our friends are just like. And there's not so much couple, good couple of those things, you know, those things where your parents don't really understand where you're at or like, what's going on.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Pulls out a picture from a TV show from the 70s called Shazam. Okay, Shazam was a show where an old pedophile drove around in a Winnebago with like a young Latino kid who turned into Shazam. He'd say, shazam. He turned into Captain, whoever.

[Giovanni]

This is not Shaz.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is before, okay? Before that. And like, it's one of these things where she pulls out A picture of Shazam. The guy from. Literally from 1975 with the old guy and the kid. And it's autographed. A guy named Kevin. And she's like, so do you know this guy? And I'm like, that's Shazam Guy. Yes, that's him. Yeah. Mm. He lives above Dorothy.

[Alison Rosen]

Dorothy's the lucky one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, yeah. Alrighty. And it's like. Like she wants me to, like, scream, stop the presses, or I gotta get my agent on the blower.

[Alison Rosen]

She's so close to celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I don't know. That was 1975. Wait, the guy played Shazam. The guy was Captain Whatever. I. I know. He yelled Shazam. And the show was called Shazam. That kid would turn into Shazam. It was a little.

[Alison Rosen]

There's no kid in this photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the young. The young man would turn into the Shazam Guy. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

[Alison Rosen]

And the old guy looks like Captain Kangaroo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But he's not. There's Shazam Again. So we got into this. By the way, it's a show that wouldn't last 10 seconds today because there's not two and a half networks like there used to be. So we talk about Shazam For a while, but it's this thing. It's like, I don't know what you want me to do with this information.

[Alison Rosen]

On behalf of you, I have to say your mom seemingly not that impressed or aware of you or what you do, but wildly excited that this guy who played Shazam. Next to him lives above the neighbor with the blind son and the kids in federal prison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a grandma, but. Yeah. It's a grandma who moved away, but her son. Yeah. Yeah. Well, next time Baldwin calls in a show, I tell him I have to hang on. I got Shazam on the blower. Calling from Northern California. Yeah. So get into that for a few minutes. It's just one of those, like.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's showing me a picture, but it's not autographed to me. It's just autographed to another guy that she just said when. Send it along. Like, do you know this guy? I think he gave it to her and said, like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. So we talk about Shazam For a while. This is another one of those. What the fuck are we talking about? Shazam. We're talking about the actor who played Shazam from 37 years ago. Autographs made out to a guy named Kevin. So we talk about that for A while. Then we get into this argument because the daughter is finally going to get married. The one smart enough not to have any kids is going to get married.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay. Oh, the one who wasn't that nice to your sister.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Who is nice now. And everyone's nice now, but Jesus Christ. So the daughter is going to get married and my mom goes, she's going to get married on 11, 11 11. And I said, yeah, I heard about that. A lot of people getting. A lot of people in Nevada filing for marriage certificates and licenses and stuff for 11, 11 11. And then I say, you know, what's up with that? Like, what's that?

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, it is my half birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she brought that up. That's probably what I. Yeah, she brought that up. I yelled Shazam when she did that.

[Alison Rosen]

And pointed out, oh, Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know your half birthday? I don't think I have a half birthday.

[Giovanni]

I do. Only because a girl I dated for like three years was the exact day that was my half birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a half birthday?

[Alison Rosen]

Everyone has a half birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Does everyone know they haven't?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's just six months after you're birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on an odd day though. When is your birthday?

[Alison Rosen]

You're May something.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to split the day in half.

[Alison Rosen]

You're may something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm May 27th.

[Alison Rosen]

So November 27th is your half birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Got that glue for dude, it's coming up, dude. Never thought about it until this day. And then I won't after this.

[Giovanni]

I think that's how girls know.

[Adam Carolla]

So it is. So what happened was, is my mom. So I said, you know, what the hell with the 11, 11, 11. Like, what the hell? What difference does that make? You know, who gives a shit? And she said, well, your kids were supposed to be born on 666 and you had them on 6, 7, 6. So it's the same thing.

[Alison Rosen]

It's totally not the same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, well, not really, because one of them has a stigma attached to it that the kids are gonna drag around for the rest of their life and it's 2,000 years old. And the other one's just who. There's Nothing lucky about 11, 11, 11 that I'm aware of.

[Alison Rosen]

A lot of people are gonna write in disagree.

[Adam Carolla]

I know where's there's a stigma to the 666 thing. And she's like, yeah, but it's still kind of the same thing. You know that thing where it's just like you start getting fucking. Yeah, but still you just want to fucking. You just want to dive on them with a pillow at that point, choke them out, like. And I said, yeah, but not really because. Well, first off, my kids came into this world C section. So it's like, you come in, C section, they'll do it to you on a Monday or Friday or whenever's most convenient. Like, they'll get you. They'll go, here's your due date. And then they'll take the kids then. Or they'll take them the day before, the day after. Really, it doesn't matter. So I said, well, A doesn't matter. B, it wasn't really my decision. And then C, who gives it? You know, I just didn't want the kids walk around with the 666 tag on them. And she's like, yeah, but it's kind of the same. And like, all right, one has a horrible negative connotation.

[Alison Rosen]

It's really not the same.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. So we went around on that for a little while also.

[Giovanni]

6,000, 606. People always conveniently love to make things their own case by leaving off a convenient number. When, in fact, that's the number that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Supposed to be on there, right? So later. Later on, a couple of good moments. And I went back to the house, tired, wrote the book with lynch and that kind of stuff. And then later on then the kids came home and nanny was around. We're all in the kitchen. Molly's half blind. She's outside barking, doing her thing. And. And she's barking and barking. I'll go let her in, open the front door. I look down, she's tracking water in to the house. And I'm like, oh, she stepped in a puddle. What's it been raining? It's been raining. She's standing in water. Sprinkler busted. What's going on out there? Walks in, track and more. And I looked down, it's like, jeez, Chris, tracking a lot of water in this house. Then I look up, she's covered, she's soaked. Soaked through to the bone. And she soaked. And I'm like, what the hell was she doing? Someone spray her with a hose or something. Then I was like, oh, shit, she fell in the pool. She fell in the pool. And Molly don't like the pool. Molly don't get near the pool. I can't get Molly into the pool during the summer. It's like, come on, Molly, I love.

[Alison Rosen]

Your dream of a Labrador that swims.

[Adam Carolla]

Won't get near the fucking water. I run outside, I see the splash. I See the tracks coming out from the, you know, the stairs. It's like, holy. She's blind. And she fell into the pool. And I'm like, oh, my God. And so we come, you know, kids are running out. What's going on? To get to town. Molly fell in the pool. What? Molly fell in the pool. They run around, they want to look. They want to see what's going on. There's water. Molly. And of course, Natalia comes in ratting Molly out. Molly made a mess, all right? Lighten up, sweetheart. Jesus Christ. And she's trying to rat the fucking. Yeah, trying to narc out. Fucking Molly for making a mess out by the pool. So she's like, listen. I said, listen to me. Your mom's in New York. She's there trying to have a good time with the boss. You understand? She's gonna call sometime, you know, in the next hour or so, she's gonna call to say goodnight to you guys. Let's not say anything about Molly, right? I don't want to hear anything.

[Alison Rosen]

He's proven her record of keeping secret.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ, she'd be the worst fucking good fella on the planet. She'd run to the cops in the middle of the heist. Like I said, listen. And I'm laughing as I'm saying, because I said, listen, Mama is gonna worry. Mama's gonna be very worried if we tell her. And she's gonna be very depressed. Cause this is a bad sign that Molly fell into the swimming pool. And Molly could have easily drowned. She doesn't swim. I don't know. She must have just fell in right by the stairs and somehow got out. But Mama's going to freak. We're not telling Mama that Molly fell into the pool. Do you understand me? And then I go, yeah, she was. No mention. When she gets back, then we can tell her. Until then, no, of course. Smash cut to me upstairs doing a little shadow boxing in front of the TV set with the phone. Natalia holding it. Now Mommy's on the phone. And we didn't tell Mommy about, you know, Molly falling into the pool. So you don't tell it. It's like, you know, grab the phone. What. What's going on? You know, it's like, oh, right. Fucking little shits with their, you know, they did the.

[Alison Rosen]

She didn't tell. And then she held up the phone and announced that she didn't tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, basically.

[Alison Rosen]

And manipulative.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you get this, by the way, this is a chick move. This is a chick move all the way right here. What happened? Molly. She fell into pool. She fell into the pool? Yeah, she was outside, and, you know, she's. I guess she fell in the po. Why weren't you watching her? Because I never, ever watch. She goes, why wasn't I watching her? We do the same thing every night. Open the door, go out and bark, shut the door, stand in the kitchen, eat dinner. She runs around the yard and barks. I watch here. I love that. Kind of like, I love that it's a chick thing and gay thing, which is when shit goes wrong. Even though there's no way that anyone could humanly could have possibly prevented it because the dog just goes out for an hour at a time every night, and you just slam the door behind it. You have no idea where the fuck the dog is because it's dark outside. Why weren't you standing there guarding the pool to prevent something that's never happened before? Like, it's totally illogical.

[Alison Rosen]

Hey, you have a crystal ball brain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she must. She must know it, too. But it's like, who weren't you looking after? It's like, no, we've never. You, never. Lynette and me. No one's ever followed the dog out. You open the door, the dog takes off, and they just run around the yard, take a shot and then bark a little more. And then 20 minutes later, you let them in. So Molly fell into the pool, which is bad times for Molly and bad times for me. Because now when I let her out, I gotta go stand. Stand, block the pool, though. I don't know. Maybe she's freaked out and doesn't want to get. Don't want to get near the pool, so that's a good time.

[Giovanni]

I don't know if it's a bad taste to bring it up, but isn't that, like, especially bad times? Because usually dogs know the lay of the land, right? Like, use. Like, they won't put them into furniture if they go blind because they know where everything is inherently. Like, she's confused.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she? I don't think. Well, first off, you know, it's not like she was, you know, solving any major math problems.

[Giovanni]

She was making football checks for us.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. She's better than me making football picks when she was four. And. Yeah, I just think she's more blind. And it was. It was kind of moonless and dark, and she stand by the edge. I don't know. Either way, not a good. Not a good sign for the Molly girl. Let's. Let's put it to you that way. Or the Ace, man. She's doing around decent points. She's missing her ear. I don't know. I got another thing to complain about. Oh remember I was complaining about the fucking valets and they put those little. Put those little tabs on your windshield and they're the tag.

[Alison Rosen]

They're in Miller's car apparently though. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's. That tab just stays there until it rains and smears and you reach it and you reach around and the whole nine yards. Last night. Come out of the high end restaurant after the Kimmel party. Eight bucks for valet. By the way. Get the keys back from the valet. Got the big old keychain, cardboard, keychain chain on. That's a picture of it. I made lynch take a picture of it today. Now here's the thing, dickheads. Do you think I collect and trade these things with my friends as our.

[Alison Rosen]

Business to resell them to other valets?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm building a collage. Pinata out of decoupage. Pinata out of them? Yeah. The scrapbook. Yeah. Put aside that Angry Birds video, Sonny. I got a scrap of perforated paper here for you to play with with a lot of numbers on it and a picture of an old fashioned Stanley Steamer. The point is this. Hey Dick, are we done? We're done. Are we not?

[Alison Rosen]

You are.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you remove your fucking piece of cardboard from my fucking keys and.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm just a whore that leaves her lipstick all over your face or whatever or what have you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. It's bullshit. And I know there's that. Cry me a river, Adam. So what? So what? Do your fucking job. Because you get your eight bucks, you don't get seven bucks and you get your $5 tip. Take your fucking cardboard off.

[Alison Rosen]

Why don't they is tearing not in their job description.

[Adam Carolla]

How much is involved with being a valet barker?

[Alison Rosen]

Do you have a trash can or a recycling bin?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Alison Rosen]

They don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what they don't. They don't give a fuck. Valet guys, all guys that deal with cars are world class assholes and or lazy folks.

[Alison Rosen]

Fox get that prop.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst guys in the world. All the parking lot attendants are assholes. All the guys who do valet guys usually assholes. And there's a certain thing. One is they're driving your nice car and they're going home on a fucking 10 speed that they stole from a Mexican. So they're pissed number one. Number two they don't. There seems to be nobody who runs a valet service that ever Goes, look, here's what we're gonna do. You give the person their keys. But before you give them their keys, you tear the little thing off because we don't need this anymore. Neither do they. Or. And maybe. Oh. Oh, I'm looking at it now. I think they want you. They want you to call.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, they're leaving their business card.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but give me a business card. I don't fucking want it. And what's the deal with what's on the windshield? Take it off. Finish your job. And the guy left my fucking seat up, too. They're all fucking midgets. They all put the seat all the way up. I know this sounds like you try. Try climbing into a car where the seat's all the way up and you're.

[Alison Rosen]

Sitting like a fat ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Sucks. You're dragging your balls across the steering wheel, the horn going off, everyone looking, staring, paparazzi taking pictures, accidentally turning the.

[Alison Rosen]

Turn signal with your junk.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Giovanni]

Sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Giovanni]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Alison Rosen]

Herman Cain on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Remember yesterday I was saying that Michael Naron, after all these years of contributing and working pro bono and doing all this hard work, I got him a gig working for Seth and the Family Guy doing store storyboarding things and how it all just sort of paid off for him. And he's coming out to Hollywood.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No such luck for Rich Banks. Sorry, Rich. It's not gonna happen.

[Giovanni]

It's good that he found out this way.

[Adam Carolla]

Not sticking my head out for you. Sorry, where were we?

[Alison Rosen]

Who's Rich Banks? Herman Cain on Tuesday vehemently denied all sexual harassment allegations against him and said he had no memory of the first accuser to publicly describe claimed misconduct by the Republican presidential hopeful. Quote, they simply didn't happen. They simply did not happen.

[Adam Carolla]

He was just jealous of the gropers. I wish I had the balls to grope. I mean, just, you know, just riding, you know, just. You're on that airport shuttle thing. You know, you're on that weird tram thing that travels underneath the thing, and you're just standing up, and there's a chick standing next to you, and she's holding onto that bar, and you just grab a little titty. You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Do you wait for.

[Alison Rosen]

For the.

[Giovanni]

The Shuttle to bank a little bit to the left.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it grabs it.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I just always thought that would be. I. I always just felt like that was such a low percentage move. Like I just grabbed some crotch. Right.

[Alison Rosen]

It's not low hanging gentles.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And the chick, like, like, what are the chances that she's gonna be into it sitting there and I just grab her and chick goes. Oh, Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

I like 0.0.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No offense, I was hoping for a big toe, but.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, all right, so let's get into this for a minute. See, I. Here's my thing. I have many a thing with Herman Cain, but I feel like. And I almost tweeted this, but I was afraid of the reaction. But there's something different to me between wanted sexual advances and unwanted sexual advances. Because people keep bringing up Clinton. Well, the liberals gave Clinton a free pass. And look at all the horrible things he did, you know, with Monica Lewinsky and all the womanizing and stuff. I don't think they're the same though, because yes, you could say it was an abuse of power, but Monica Lewinsky had a crush on him. That is different than an unwanted sexual advance. Herman Cain, it is not looking good for him. And one more thing, cuz he held a press conference today where he.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't necessarily know that the answer's no until you find out the answer's no. You know what I mean? Like, most of the guys I know got a lot of pussy. They got a lot of pussy. Cause they don't use a line, they use a gill net. Good stuff.

[Alison Rosen]

What are you saying? You gotta grope with both hands Cause you're gonna catch something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying early and often, you know what I mean? You know, but don't they have a.

[Alison Rosen]

Little more finesse than to push some girl's head into their crotch?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, there's something more predatory about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, this is not. This is not smooth. But first off, the opposite of smooth. Look, we're only hearing about the chicks he didn't fuck. Maybe he fucked Baker's dozen of hot chicks. Maybe fuck the Rockettes and we're not aware of it. So maybe it's a genius, you know what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

Fucking the Rockettes doesn't need to try to grope these five women and more are gonna come forward.

[Adam Carolla]

You think he's like 0 for 17 in the groping department?

[Alison Rosen]

I really, I don't think someone who's smooth with the ladies so smooth that they could Sleep with all of the Rockettes.

[Giovanni]

Let me try.

[Alison Rosen]

Would also be grabbing at genitals.

[Giovanni]

Babe Ruth set a record for strikeouts.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good.

[Giovanni]

Good, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's good.

[Alison Rosen]

Who's Babe Ruth?

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Alison Rosen]

Anyway, so he denied everything in this press conference. And one more thing. I was thinking, if it's all so untrue, why is he not pressing charges? You think he would sue them?

[Adam Carolla]

Here, I'll put. I'm gonna put off my sofa. I'll put everything in a nutshell and good and bad. Yes, I agree that it seems like a character flaw, and I don't like that. On the other hand, I cannot stand the witch hunt that takes place whenever anyone runs for anything of any importance at all, that we just dig up a bunch of stuff that no one seemed to really give a shit about beforehand. And it's not like these women were in hospitals or anything. It's like, like all of a sudden people that have been married for 10 years, like stuff that's 10 years old or 15 years old or whatever, all just comes out and everyone just gets trotted out. And if it's something like something that's politically incorrect, if he made a racial joke, and I'm not talking about Herman Cain, I just mean a guy, if there's a picture of him in a Halloween costume from a frat party that was 40 years ago where he wanted something sort of inappropriate, especially if it has to do with any race related anything or any gender, whatever, then we just make a huge deal out of it. And I don't like this vetting process that takes place where a guy, married or unmarried, runs a business or what have you, says, I'm gonna throw my hat in the ring. And then everyone just goes overtime. They just go to work and they find shit about the guy. And again, you know, if you're Don King and you stomped a guy to death who owed you 500 bucks, maybe that's one thing. It's not something I would look for in a babysitter. But when it comes to whatever he's going after, whatever role he's trying to fill here in this country, I don't like the part where we start drumming, we go looking through or not.

[Alison Rosen]

I started thinking about that today. I started thinking, well, but how much does something. Because I find all of it odious. And it frustrates me how many people are. How many people are willing to just say that, you know, who they're making this up and, you know, and that it.

[Adam Carolla]

And the Bill Clinton that's true.

[Alison Rosen]

But it's like, how much is it really gonna affect him being a president? I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't like him, though.

[Adam Carolla]

The Bill Clinton thing, I agree, is marginally different. Although he was president when he happened.

[Alison Rosen]

Before he was president, I don't think he would have gotten to be president. That's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it did happen before he was.

[Alison Rosen]

President, but not to the degree that we found out after.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we don't. We weren't quite as sophisticated in our intel gathering back in 1992 or whatever it was. I don't know if Bill Clinton would have been president today.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If that's what you're saying.

[Alison Rosen]

Privy to this information now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but what information is it? I mean, I've done a million things that would look fucking horrible if somebody trotted somebody out and said, did Adam.

[Alison Rosen]

Have you ever abused your power, though, or harassed someone or tried to trade sex for a promotion?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm kind of dumb that way.

[Alison Rosen]

But it's not too late.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done a lot of shit that if you wanted to get Gloria Allred to stand next to somebody, they could say something that made me sound like a complete ass wipe. Now, it wouldn't be, oh, Adam said, you're not gonna get the promotion unless you play the game, or any of that stuff. But believe me, there could be plenty of things that were, A, embarrassing, B, humiliating to my family, and C, made me look like degenerate at least and would have nothing to do with me governing. If you wanted to do it.

[Alison Rosen]

Peeing in the sink wouldn't be looked upon kindly.

[Adam Carolla]

Done worse in the shower, sweetheart.

[Alison Rosen]

Or peeing on a wallet on TV.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's sort of the equivalent to remember, remember 20 years ago and even 15 years ago and even 10 years ago. Did he try marijuana? Well, now I. Yes. Well, yes, I did, but I did not inhale the marijuana. It's like, oh, who gives a fuck? But it was a big deal. I mean, 20 years ago, people having serious conversations about, hey, that's illegal, and this person thumbed their nose at the law and issues drugs, use illicit drugs. And so the people would have to lie about that. And I'm not. Now we can all have a laugh about it. So what, the guy smoked a joint, what was a big deal 20 years ago? I'm just saying character. I'm sure he's a flawed guy. Not a big fan of the groping, even though I'm still a little unclear how it works. So I just start pushing her Head down at dinner.

[Alison Rosen]

So she was in a car.

[Adam Carolla]

In a car. Get apart. It makes him sort of secretly jealous. But the point is this.

[Alison Rosen]

Try it. Maybe it'll go well for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Just sort of palming the back of the head of the person while they're driving.

[Giovanni]

Wait till.

[Alison Rosen]

You know what?

[Adam Carolla]

I should be driving. Should I drive?

[Alison Rosen]

Push something onto the ground so they have. So they're bending over anyway, and then just shove your junk under their face.

[Adam Carolla]

In the car or. Sure, I should.

[Alison Rosen]

No, not in the car. It'd be too hard.

[Adam Carolla]

If they're driving, I'll tell them to pull over because I don't want to get blown while they're driving. Is that we're saying.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, that's just good sense. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I got to work that out.

[Giovanni]

Unless you're one of those driving instructor cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I got the double wheel and break.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So not a fan of the groping, even though secretly jealous. But I'm. And I don't.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm not a fan of the lying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a fan of the lying. But you have to lie.

[Alison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, who was it, Bill Clinton that said he didn't inhale?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that?

[Alison Rosen]

It's a lie.

[Adam Carolla]

He lying. Right. And he also said I did not have sex with that. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to. But I don't blame him. You have to lie, but be good.

[Alison Rosen]

At it, at least.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can't anymore because there's a camera everywhere and everyone's talking. I just. I don't like what we've become. We're like nannies and snitching and dropping dimes on everyone, and everyone's got a.

[Alison Rosen]

Story, and it's like you. And I don't like that either. But I still feel like this is beginning to look quite egregious. There's five women now, and I'm sure more are gonna come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, once you get one, you'll get five.

[Alison Rosen]

Because. Because women like to. It's like how we go to the bathroom together.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I'm waiting for. The guy's inappropriate, and I don't want my daughter to date him, and I don't want my son to turn out like him. But what.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. You're waiting for, like a something good.

[Adam Carolla]

I want. He burned me with acid and then raped me.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I hope we can hear that.

[Adam Carolla]

Or raped and then burned with that. You know what I'm saying? Any order you like, pick an order. I want Something good. I want some good 48 hours, actually.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm thinking which would be the worst order. Yeah, I know. Okay, let's hear the clip of him denying everything.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, you have to lie. You have to say, I didn't inhale, and I don't know that woman. I never touched her, and we didn't have sex. I don't think you have to lie. You can't hold lying against them because they have to lie now. Everyone has to lie. Then later on when they have pictures, then they come out.

[Alison Rosen]

Why do you have to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we're learning that's a vestige that's partially by the side of the political plate. Good stuff. Unnecessary. Just a vestige of the past.

[Giovanni]

It's a garnish.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a garnish. It doesn't need to be there. I think politicians, 10 years from now, even five years from now, will start getting savvy and go, hey, man, I'm not perfect. And, yeah, I did some things I'm not too proud of. And that's kind of between me and my wife and my God. And I'm not a criminal. But, yeah, I am a guy. And I've done some stuff I'm not. I'm not too thrilled about, as of many of you. But let's focus on the topics. Let's focus on the economy. Let's focus on creating jobs. That would be nice. Then that will happen because they'll have to.

[Alison Rosen]

It's gonna have to. Yeah, the lying's not working well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but the problem is, is you used when you were. When you were a Kennedy. You're like, oh, hey, man. Yeah, she was drunk, so I was giving her a ride home, and then all of a sudden the fucking bridge railing gave out and the car was upside down, and I panick. And so, you know, a day later, So I called 911. You know what I mean? And then everyone goes, well, I guess we're gonna. But now they have receipts and time dates. And there's you entering the 711 to buy the Zima's for her. And it's at 2:02am and here's when you left. And then here's another. Here's an. Here's another intersection camera that caught your car going through at this time. And then your cell phone records. So the technology has caught up and passed the line. Guys are still in Kennedy mode. Like, they're still in. I did not inhale. I did not touch that woman mode, stupid. They need to jump out yes. That's where we're getting now. We're behind the technology. We're still like, a bunch of guys are getting caught cheating because the chicks are looking at this. My son is not gonna get busted for cheating because his wife looks at his cell phone record. That is our generation.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not hitting it.

[Alison Rosen]

How will they do it in the future?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Like, they're gonna. They're gonna. They're gonna go like, sonny, I caught your avatar beating off to another avatar or something.

[Alison Rosen]

Aren't these birds sticky?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So that's what's gonna happen. But we're still. Politicians are still in lying mode.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. So let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I chose to accusations directly rather than try to do it through a series.

[Anderson]

Of continuous statements or spokespeople because that's the person Herman Cain is. It's to take my message directly to the people. With respect to the most recent accusation, I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period. I saw Ms. Allred.

[Adam Carolla]

Allred and her client yesterday in that.

[Kevin Nealon]

News conference for the very first time.

[Anderson]

As I sat in my hotel room with a couple of my staff members.

[Adam Carolla]

As they. He said staff and members got to the microphone, my first response in my.

[Anderson]

Mind and reaction was, I don't even.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know who this woman is.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

And the identity of the first accuser has come out, and she works for, like, the treasury, and people are saying her credibility is beyond reproach. And in fact, it's someone. A CNN commentator was saying that when she found out who this woman was, she was like, oh, man, that looks really bad for Kane because this woman is just so esteemed and credible. He likes pussy and he likes blonde pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

I got.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, I don't know what color.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really sadness for the rest of the world every time I hear one of those things where the chicks go. Every culture's different to your culture. You know, a long, tall, blonde woman.

[Alison Rosen]

There is no racial bigotry here.

[Adam Carolla]

But in other cultures now, Heidi Klum wins every beauty pageant. All cultures want to fuck a tall blonde.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are the white women at?

[Alison Rosen]

It's like saying she's five' two.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a culture that likes high def, large flat screen panel televisions, whereas other. Yeah, I'm listening. One black and white Zeniths with a tube that are 13 inches.

[Alison Rosen]

Mm. With the rabbit ears. We like the rabbit ears.

[Adam Carolla]

So with foil on them that you use vice grips to change the channel on? No, we all went to flat panel with the high Def. That's right.

[Alison Rosen]

Penn State sex scandal.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for me.

[Alison Rosen]

What do you like?

[Adam Carolla]

I like brunettes. I like my wife. Hey, where are the white women at?

[Alison Rosen]

Did you never had a thing for blondes?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you know, my whole thing with chicks is good looking is good looking. Mm. Let's not.

[Alison Rosen]

You're colorblind to the hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm having trouble. I had trouble enough getting laid without, you know, taking whole segments of society and taking them off my potential blowjob list. You know what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

What about red hair?

[Adam Carolla]

Good looking is good looking.

[Alison Rosen]

Curly red hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, eventually, if you go, what if she's fat, pockmarked with an A cup and a huge dimpled ass and red hair? Well, then eventually, not good looking. You see what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

From curly red hair to that.

[Adam Carolla]

You got one more and we would have started getting ugly, right? Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Joe Paterno, Penn State's head coach for 46 years, who just had his 409th victory, the most for any major college football coach, is facing resounding calls to resign in disgrace.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I realized first off? Unbelievable. He's like 90%. What?

[Alison Rosen]

He's 86 or something? Or 84 or 82.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I think he's like 92.

[Giovanni]

No, he's like 85.

[Adam Carolla]

85.

[Giovanni]

He's in his 80s for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's check his. Check his number. I thought he's older than that. But the point is, he is sort of like Columbo.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got these. Sounds like Colombo. He looks down. He wears that sweater. He's all frumpy. He's very. He's very.

[Alison Rosen]

Colombo is the deal with old men. Their shoulders get higher and their heads get lower. When I was your age, television was.

[Adam Carolla]

Called books called scoliosis. Find out how old Joe Pye is. I swear he's older than 85.

[Alison Rosen]

I told him 84. I was right.

[Adam Carolla]

84. That's right.

[Alison Rosen]

The three numbers I threw out, one of them was right.

[Adam Carolla]

Half birthday's coming up.

[Alison Rosen]

See? Not just chicks. No.

[Adam Carolla]

So he says Kane groped him back in the 60s when he was playing.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, well, I'm just. I'm not voting for the Kane Sandusky ticket. The calls come after Paterno's longtime assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, was charged with child sex abuse for alleged incidents dating back to 1994. A graduate assistant informed Paterno of one alleged incident in 2002 that took place in a Penn State locker room shower. Evidently, he walked in and saw Sandusky Having sex with like a 10 year old boy in the shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't judge.

[Alison Rosen]

I say this in the shower, he looked six.

[Adam Carolla]

I. You know, first there's this thing where you go, well, where would this come from if you didn't do it, like on one hand? Then there was this whole McMartin preschool thing out here that was totally insane. I was out here like 20 years ago.

[Alison Rosen]

That was a witch hunt.

[Adam Carolla]

And they just kept going and going. The next thing you know, the kids are like pointing at parts on dolls going, that's right. And it closed down the whole school, the whole nine yards. And it went on for like five years. And it turned out no one got molested.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? Right. Are you saying you think that might be the case?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think everyone's cues were molested. Something. You want to know why?

[Alison Rosen]

Because those were kids. These are adults saying it. Also, adults are honest.

[Adam Carolla]

You always think about it like, what if someone just accused bald Bryant of molesting somebody or accused me of doing whatever, groping or something, or killing my wife OJ style or whatever. First off, the only reaction would be like, what are you fucking talking about? Are you nuts? First off, I mean, there should be press conference. Hold on, find me the guy. Where's the guy? Show me the guy, because I'm gonna sue his ass.

[Alison Rosen]

Say it one more time. I did not do it. There'd be more emotion behind it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not only that, there would be. Not like, well, I'm sorry, my attorney said just be like, what? Kill my wife? What? Who said that? No way. Are you fucking nuts? That's insane. Someone's gonna get sued. And when you do find the killer, I'm gonna need apology and a big fat check from everybody because I'm sure his DNA is all over the fucking crime scene.

[Giovanni]

A lack of indignation is. Is alarming. You know what I mean? The fact they're not like, indignantly like.

[Alison Rosen]

Who are we talking about now, Sandisky?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, we're talking about anybody. We're talking about O.J. we're talking about. We're talking about anybody who's accused of anything, where they go, I did not have relationships.

[Alison Rosen]

It just be like, you're not committing to your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Nuts, right? Yeah. I mean, like, if it's like, it's like somebody saying on a Friday night when you just stayed in, pop some corn and watch some Twenty20 played with your cats.

[Alison Rosen]

Who were you describing? I would watch Facts of Life and look at pictures of puppies.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like somebody said, oh, yeah, you're at the party and you're out of control, and you're whatever. And you're like. You'd be like, leave the house. You'd just be completely indignant about it. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

He'd be like, why do you think. You'd want to know why they think this?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. You wouldn't be like, already mad? I'll address that when I discuss that with my council. So until then, I'm no comment on leaving the house. Yeah, you just be like, fuck that. Are you nuts? Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Because truth is fairly black and white if it's about you.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're OJ and you're basically turning. You turn your front lawn into a pitch and putt, and then you hopped on a plane to Chicago, and then someone accused you of cutting your wife's head off and some dude who worked at a restaurant, you'd be like, are you fucking nuts? You wouldn't be like, I'm not. No further questions. You know? No way. That's why I always believe it. Anyway, where were we?

[Alison Rosen]

So Paterno, who is not facing charges in the case, says he told his superiors in the athletic department.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the same. Hold on. It's the same with people. Don't take the stand in their defense. Like, his statement is read through his attorney is that he loved his wife very much. He would never poison her oatmeal with rat poison. And the bond and the insurance that he took out on her only days before was merely a coincidence. Thank you.

[Alison Rosen]

And the reason his fingerprints are on the gun, because he was removing the bullets.

[Adam Carolla]

If you really didn't do something, like, if you really, as I said, were downstairs watching the game when your wife fell asleep in the bathtub upstairs and drowned, you'd be like, get me on that fucking stand. And they'd be like, well, what if they asked? And what if they asked me what? I was downstairs watching the game the entire time. They can ask me whatever the fuck they want.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. At no point am I gonna get flustered and go up, yeah, I guess I killed her. Like, not if you're downstairs watching the game the whole time, right? I mean. Okay, Molly fell in the swimming pool.

[Alison Rosen]

Mm. Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

See, I gotta talk to my counsel. I mean, seriously, are you sure you didn't push her? Yeah, it'd be like, abs in the fucking kitchen. I heard a bark, I came outside, she's covered with water.

[Alison Rosen]

What were you doing in the kitchen?

[Adam Carolla]

Shit, you're right.

[Alison Rosen]

You weren't prepared for that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wasn't prepared for that one. I'm raping my kids. Oh, shit. God damn it.

[Giovanni]

What have I done?

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, I just confessed to a greater crime. What if the guy just panicked and shot out something even worse?

[Alison Rosen]

See, that's why you shouldn't have taken a stand. Okay, so he's not facing charges, but he says he told his superiors in the athletic department about what the graduate assistant saw. Paterno was told that Sandusky was, quote, fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a young boy. According to a grand jury. However, it's later come out that, no, he knew a little more explicitly what was seen. So that's sort of a question.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why I would be a shit. This is why I'd be a shithead coach. And also, I'd make a bad Padre, too. I'm not talking about the baseball team in the church because, like, if I walked back and I saw, like, Dawson raping Lynch, first of all, first, my first impulse would be, look how pleased.

[Alison Rosen]

They look with this analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first would be, I told you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not to talk about that.

[Adam Carolla]

First thing would be, lynch, get your hands off my car. Fender number one. Do it over the fucking pad. I mean, you're gonna get raped.

[Alison Rosen]

Have some respect.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like my car is getting raped too. You know what I mean? Some fucking P R E Dotson number one, number three, number two. And then lynch, like. And then somebody like. And then Jeff, like, came in and saw, like, I'd just be like, just knock it off. Just knock it off. Let's just go home. Like, can we just pretend like this, Dawson, just don't rape lynch anymore and like, let's. I don't want to have to call the cops.

[Alison Rosen]

Or don't you think you'd be like, just don't do it on my car or in my studio. So you'd be just like, I'd just be bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I just. My, my. I. I'd be bad. I wouldn't want to get people involved. Like, I'd just be like, just don't do it. Let's move forward. I'd be horrible. I'd be a crappy monsignor.

[Alison Rosen]

What if you saw one of them raping someone younger than lynch though? Like a young boy, Like a kid. I have a feeling you would call the authority.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the 10 year old?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Still in the car.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, the.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the.

[Alison Rosen]

More like, it'd be a mini bike.

[Adam Carolla]

He could have chocolate on his fingers.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All over the fenders.

[Alison Rosen]

Right?

[Giovanni]

That's not Chocolate.

[Alison Rosen]

So. Ew. Turno has said in a statement that he did what he was supposed to do with the one charge that was brought to his attention. On Tuesday, a Paterno news conference during which he was expected to face questions about the scandal was canceled. And it's not going to be rescheduled, the university said in a statement. Due to the ongoing legal circumstances centered around the recent allegations and charges, we have determined that today's press conference cannot be held. Will not be rescheduled. And Sandusky, you know, he has this outreach charity called the Second Mile where he helps kids in need. And there's. But that's also how he was meeting these young, young kids.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you don't trust anyone who reaches out to kids. I've said it many times.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, well, it's like. And I've talked about it on the show. At my grade school, we had this huge molestation case, and it was the PE teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, the reason why.

[Alison Rosen]

Suspicious of people who want to be around kids.

[Adam Carolla]

When I was a Catholic Big Brother, everyone was sitting around.

[Giovanni]

Did you just fly to Denver, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

The baby Simpson, everybody. True.

[Alison Rosen]

Except us.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone is sitting around the room and they were, like, trying to weed out the troublemakers, you know, and they're like, there's some creepy dudes, you know, like, they're like. And Tim, why. Why did you want to be a Catholic Big brother? I'm from St. Louis and I relocated out here and just lonely, you know? And like, I was like, adam, why are you here? Because I am in an improv troupe with a dude named Paul and his wife Maria. Works for the Catholic Big Brothers, and she kind of basically talked me into it and then, by the way, quit. But I'm committed for two years now.

[Alison Rosen]

It's a two year commitment.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a one year. Every weekend for one year.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Look up the Catholic Greek Brothers. I think it's. I think it's one weekend for every. For the first year, I think at least was what it was first year, every weekend. And then after that, you can kind of make your own schedule. You know what I mean?

[Alison Rosen]

What's in it for you other than just salvation and bragging rights and access to young kids? School credit money.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you don't get. You have to pay for everything. You have to pay for, you know, if you go to McDonald's or if you go to Knott's Berry Farm or something, you gotta pay. They don't kick you over anything. Yeah. If you're poor. It blows. And I was poor, so it was a lot of like, hey, let's go to Taco Bell.

[Alison Rosen]

And you actually did this. Are you still in touch with your younger brothers?

[Adam Carolla]

No, kids shined me on as soon as I got on tv.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to God. The guy cut me loose as soon as I got on. Soon as I had an ounce of fame.

[Alison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Alison Rosen]

He was threatened, he couldn't handle it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. What happened was, is I had this kid, his name is Nate, and I took him out. And then I would take Tim, the Russian rapper's friend, out. Fat Russian kid, probably in prison out too. And I was in. And we were. We saw each other every week and. And he would like, sleep over and stuff. Like, we. He'd come to my improv shows when I was with my troop, and we'd go out afterward and hang out and like, take him to movies and all that kind of crap. There's a picture of me and Nate from back in the day. Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Boy isn't bad either.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and then I met him, like about two years before. I just sort of got on the radio and stuff and I just started getting. And then soon as I got like on Loveline or Mancha or something. That's about it.

[Alison Rosen]

You should Facebook him, find out.

[Adam Carolla]

He was.

[Alison Rosen]

You should call him.

[Adam Carolla]

He was getting to the end of his thing. You know, honestly what it was. He got a girlfriend. And when you take a nerd who has not groped a guy who's gone gropeless through high school.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. I hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

And he turns 19 and you break him off a big fat wedge of groper.

[Alison Rosen]

You mean if he's. If he. If he cuts himself a slice of pussy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a one year commitment of a few hours spent with the child. Two or three times. Oh, two or three times each month. All right, There you go. I thought it was once a week, but maybe it was a.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I think we should call your little brother. Yeah, we should get in touch with him. I think that'd be funny to do it on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

He's. You know, I was thinking the other day, he's older now than I was when I adopted him back in the day.

[Alison Rosen]

Isn't that weird when that happens?

[Adam Carolla]

And I had a good time with him and we just never. Once he started getting laid, I guess. And once I started going on the man show and stuff, it just never hit me up again. He came out to the man show one time he was a funny guy because he was a real quiet, shy guy. And it wasn't any big deal. Like, he showed up to the man show for one taping one day and he just kind of, like, looked around. He's like, yeah, not bad. And, you know, drank a Coke and split.

[Alison Rosen]

How did he. Why did he need a big brother? Like, how was he in this program?

[Adam Carolla]

His dad, he had a mom, he had two sisters, and I think an adopted kid named Gabe from, like, Guatemala or something. The dad was around, but he was in Africa, so it was a little out of range. And he was in Kenya. He was a white dude who was in Kenya there for some. I don't know what business he was there on. I don't know what he did officially, but he lived in Kenya full time. And so his dad wasn't around and I guess his mom just signed him up. I thought I was going to get a little black kid or something. Yeah, I got a white kid. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

How weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, good guy, find him. Find him one of these days. He's never, never reached out to me. He's never found me. He's never tracked me down. He's never, never done the thing. I mean, we will.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, we'll know if he listens to the podcast or not. If he contacts you after this.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a computer guy. One thing I told him is, listen, you're. You're shit student, focus on computers. I mean, this is circa 1993. Like, I was like, look, man, he's like, I'm gonna go to junior college and then I'm gonna transfer. And I'm like. I said, listen, you're a bad student, but you're good at computers. And I think people are gonna be using computers in the future, so. But again, we didn't know shit, you know, 92, 93, no one had a cell phone. No one had a laptop. You know, it wasn't. You think of it. Internet, not really up and running too much. So it wasn't a given. But I was like, you like computers? I think computers are going to be part of the future. And you're a crappy student, and you going to junior college for two years and wasting everyone's time is not going to make you a better student. So why don't you go to a computer school, focus on computers, and then a year from now, you'll be making 30 bucks an hour. Instead of three years from now, you'll graduate junior college, you'll be making nothing. So I think he went to computer school. And he sort of focused on computers. And next thing you know, he was like 21, 22. And he had a good gig and he had a girlfriend and that was it. That was yesterday's news. And also, you know, he needed me back then, you know, but then once he had money in his pocket and a little.

[Alison Rosen]

I feel like he used you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

A little groping going on. I didn't. You know, the thing with me is I wasn't doing it to make friends, you know, I mean, I was, you know, I was 28 or 29. I wasn't. I want to hang out with a 12 year old, you know.

[Alison Rosen]

That's because you're not a molester.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I didn't want to hang out by the fucking kid. Taco Bell. I just did it because it seemed like the right thing to do and like, I was a good candidate for it and I wasn't. I didn't have my own kids. I didn't have a lot of responsibilities and I got. I honestly would have never done it if I didn't get sort of sucked into it. We used to do the Christmas show every year at the church, you know, and actually the church actually churched at Uncle Frank. Where his ceremony was at is where we do our Christmas show. Because like I said, Paul's wife did this for a living and she would call her husband's group to come do the whatever. And that's what happened. So I got sucked into it. But then I liked it. You know, once I got into it, I liked it, but it was like.

[Alison Rosen]

And then this kid just dropped me.

[Adam Carolla]

Dropped me. Yeah, he lived on the west side. The only part that's. It sucked. He lived on the west side. And I lived in La Crescenta. And I drove a piece of shit Isuzu Trooper with like no air conditioning, like on the highway, you know. Four Banger.

[Alison Rosen]

It's like a long distance relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So a lot of the sleepover stuff wasn't just sexual. A lot of it was just out of range. I got a nice bus. I don't feel like driving you home. He calls me.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, no, it forced you guys to go faster than you would have normally because of the distance.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving along. Moving along. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

So did you keep stuff at his place?

[Adam Carolla]

He'd sleep over and hang out and, you know. You know, the thing that was good about it is you would find yourself doing things you would never do. Like, I went to the beach all the time with him because it was free. And you just start thinking of free. I had no Money. So I was like, we're gonna get up on Sunday, and we're gonna get up early, and we're gonna go to Taco Bell, and then we're going to the beach, and then we're going up to the mountains, and we're gonna go up to Pepperdine and go walk around up at the church and look at the view, and you just find yourself doing things. Whereas normally putts around in my sweatpants till noon, beat off and take a nap. See what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

When did you find time to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's come full circle.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm making up for it. Mm.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. I'm better than that. And also, zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, there you go.

[Giovanni]

That was the news with Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Stamps.com. you got better things to do than hang out at the post office, don't you? That's why they're stamps.com. you can print official US postage using your own computer. Look, people, here's the deal. You got to send stuff, right? Big stuff, small stuff, letters, parcels, whatever. And do it. Do it this way. Save yourself a bunch of money and don't leave your house.

[Alison Rosen]

And don't make the mistake that both you and I have made of double stamping.

[Adam Carolla]

I do the double stamp and the double lick every time with a side of Gropich. Yeah, stamps.com. they'll got a $100 bonus offer for you. It includes a digital scale and 45 bucks free postage. So you get the scale, you get $45 free postage. Get an extra 10 bucks of free postage. If you tell them Adam sent you. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page, and type in AdamStamps.com promo code AdamStamps.com. all right, quick break. Back with your relationship calls next. Yeah, hey, Amy Mann coming in tomorrow. Everybody. Hush, hush. Keep it down now. Voices kick Song holds up nicely, by the way.

[Giovanni]

Good song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Good songwriter, good artist. And her husband, Michael Penn. Yeah, that guy screwed up once and called him. Who's the other Penn?

[Giovanni]

They're Sean Penn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Sean Penn.

[Alison Rosen]

Bj.

[Giovanni]

Chris Penn from Reservoir Dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

BJ Penn's a mixed martial artist. Chris. I called her husband Chris, but after Chris had died. Bad times. Yeah, Chris, Ben. Only guy I went out and had a pop with after Loveline.

[Alison Rosen]

The only one.

[Adam Carolla]

The only time, where the show ended at midnight and a guy, a guest, said, let's go get a Drink. And I went like, yeah, all right. And he said, there's a cop bar down the streets. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

[Giovanni]

Culver City Cop bar in Washington.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know why they need bars for cops, but yeah, I thought they put people behind bars. Oh, good, good one, Ace, man. So we went to this cop bar and got drunk. I mean buzzed. I mean buzz driving, you know how it goes.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. And you had a pop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I just like the idea. I like the idea of a guy goes to a bar and get drunk. I never, I get drunk at a restaurant or I get drunk at home, but I'm good. I just go to a bar on a weeknight and get drunk. And it was after midnight when we went, all right, it's been a while, let's go get drunk.

[Giovanni]

Tommy Lee took us there. I don't think you were there, but he took the crew. There you go. Bought us all drinks.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. There was something to that. Yeah, I do remember that.

[Alison Rosen]

Looks like San Francisco.

[Giovanni]

That's not it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not it.

[Alison Rosen]

Maybe that is San Francisco then.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazon. By the way, speaking of San Francisco and other parts unknown, our Amazon affiliate program now expanded out to the. It says here the uk. I gotta look into that. Oh, the uk. That's why it's capitalized. And someplace called Canadia. So if you're in Canada or. It's not a yeast infection. Yeah, it is. If you're in Canada or the UK and you want to support the show, go to the website and hit the Amazon link on our site. Find the links under the Support the show tab. So thank you. And of course out here in the good old U.S. of A. Well, you're doing it anyway. God bless you. All right, should we go to the phones?

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What do we got up there? Anything we like? By the way, live stand up shows, December 1st through the 4th. Philly, Detroit, Chicago, Denver. Coming to you, baby. Let's see, does the one give me one or three?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, three is what they want to give me.

[Adam Carolla]

Three. All right, good. Let's go with two. Favorite part of doing the show, Mike.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, you really did go to two.

[Adam Carolla]

I did. All right. I don't want to be mean. Let's go to three. Nick.

[Caller]

Ace, man. Get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on much?

[Caller]

How you guys doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. What's your question?

[Caller]

Alright, so here's the deal. I'm 29, I've got a decent job. I think I'm a looking guy and I've had a few girlfriends the last few Years. But bottom line is I've never met anyone who I absolutely could have seen myself with the rest of my life. Yeah, and you know, my parents had a great marriage. My older brother's married. I mean, there's two aspects of it, really. One, I love coming home to my own place, which is quiet and empty.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's really nice.

[Caller]

But on the other hand, I kind of. I kind of want to be with somebody. But like I said, I'm not going to force it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, obviously now everything's gotten pushed back. You know, 29 is really. I swear to God, it's like being 19, 20 years ago, maybe 30 years ago.

[Giovanni]

Except he's in the south. Everyone, all his friends are married by now, I'm guessing. What do you think, Nick?

[Caller]

No, you're right, Brian. And not only. I used to go to weddings. Now my friends are having kids and I feel like I'm a little behind.

[Alison Rosen]

You need to move.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll feel better when they start getting divorced in the next few months, number one. Number two, as I figured out from going to Mike August bachelor party, you got to make a deal with your friends, or at least establish your friends. Like this. I'm gonna get married at 25. Good. I'm gonna get married at 30. Good. I'm gonna marry at 35. Good. I'm getting married at 40. Because you can nothing better going to a bachelor party in your 40s.

[Giovanni]

Stagger that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Stagger it out.

[Alison Rosen]

Like I'm bringing the napkins.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The worst thing you can do is meet a bunch of dudes. All get married in like the same two year span where you're like, oh, fuck, another bachelor party. I'm burnt out from the last one.

[Alison Rosen]

Plus there won't be as good gifts.

[Giovanni]

There's a sweet spot in your 20s. The bachelor parties are great because you're able to party longer. And, you know, it's just. You're wilder and crazier, but you got to wait. If you wait past your twenties, wait until your forties like you said, because that's when you're making real money. And you can do a crazy bachelor party because in your 30s, you just get tired early. You know, midnight comes around, you're like.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to bed.

[Alison Rosen]

I've been up to three bachelor party since last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Nick, you don't need to get married. You got 10 years if you want by these standards.

[Alison Rosen]

I also think that it has to do with not having met the right person. I mean, I know that they say that with and you can say, whether you agree with this or not, that with guys, it's when you hit that time of your life and whoever you're with at that time. However, I think that, you know, marriage is just an abstract notion until you're with someone that you really think you could marry.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. There's a couple. Couple things. You know, for me, it's always really been about the family part, because otherwise you're just living with somebody. And you can live with somebody, but it's the kids. The relationship really sort of has a meaning when you have kids. Because if you really think about it biologically, just living together with somebody doesn't make any sense. I mean, there's no biological mandate, let's put it to you that way.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, the need for spooning.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, it all depends how you're wired. And obviously from Top Gun, I got the need. The need for spooning.

[Giovanni]

I'll take that again.

[Adam Carolla]

So. No, but if you think about it from just a purely sort of natural nature, biological standpoint, you can live in that apartment over there. I can live in this apartment over here. We can fuck in my apartment or your apartment, and we can go to a movie on Saturday night, and you can sleep over and I can sleep over, and this shit can go on for a thousand years.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When you have kids, then that whole mama thing and daddy thing, it really just kicks into overdrive. Other than that, you're kind of living together and maybe you're in love and maybe you're deeply in love, but you're still just. You're hanging out in the same house versus hanging out in the same restaurant and then back in the same apartment. But it's the kids thing that really kicks in. So my feeling with marriage is do it about the time of your life that you're thinking about kids. Because other than that, I feel like you get married just to hang out eight years with somebody under the same roof, it's like, it's fine, but it doesn't. There's no need to get married for that. It's like. I don't know. It's like, you don't need to pass the bar if you're not going to practice law.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Took me a minute to do that one. I've lived with people in my life, and it was sort of pointless. I mean, it was mostly just based on economics. Like, it was just like, I can't afford to keep my apartment if you're gonna keep your apartment. I fucking hate my Roommate. He's a douchebag. Like, oh, your roommate's a cunt. All right, why don't we look great on a Hallmark card? But, yeah, your roommate's a douchebag, and my roommate's a cunt. Why don't we get together and save some money? It was a lot of that. And the next thing you know, you're on top of each other and arguing way too much. But, boy, when you have kids, pow. Like, it all comes into focus. Like, oh, I get it now. That's what mama does. Know what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

I do. The thought I had was, God, what if it doesn't, though? What if you have kids and then, pow. You can't stand each other? That would suck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But at that point, it's not about you anymore. It's not about how much fun you're having or how exciting this is. It becomes about the kids. I don't mean you build your world around them, but you start thinking, all right, we got a job. It's sort of a job to do here. Now we're parents now we're not just hanging around, fucking and having a good time.

[Alison Rosen]

Like, I like you guys, but if we weren't doing a podcast, I'd never be around you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. Hey, Mike. Hey, Mark. Yeah, what's going on?

[Caller]

What's up? This is Mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark, you're on the phone with Adam and Allison and bald Brian. Pleasure.

[Caller]

Pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

Great to speak to you.

[Caller]

Basically, this is my. This is my thing. So I live in North Hollywood, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

And where do you live?

[Caller]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Where do you live in North Hollywood?

[Caller]

Oxnard and Laurel Canyon.

[Adam Carolla]

I take it you're a virgin.

[Caller]

Pretty Mexican, a lot of quinceaneras. I'm the only white boy on the block. But I'm trying to get this money and move up in the hills with you.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad lived on Vantage street, right off of. Right off of Laurel, there. One street in from Laurel, off of Oxnard. Oh, what a shitbox. That was the house he bought new for $15,000 in 1976.

[Alison Rosen]

The one that you bought from him on your show?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was a palace. This was a. A frame shack. $15,000 in the 70s.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

In the city. I mean, in the Valley, at least. But $15,000, that was the entire. What? The cost.

[Alison Rosen]

What's a down payment? Like a quarter?

[Adam Carolla]

You just go to your car and get what's in the ashtray. It's a realtor. She's like, whatever's in the ashtray. Good yeah, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Some loose tobacco.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

And a paperclip.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I'm picturing Laurel and Oxnard, right? Yeah, it's fucking depressing. You live in one of those shitty apartments there.

[Caller]

Yeah, they make me crack up. Yeah, man, it's like, it's cool. Like the price is cool, but it's just like. It's like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, the price is pinatas, the ranchero music.

[Caller]

It's ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, you can't judge a wonderful culture who loves horrible, horrible music and paint schemes on their houses. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay, so here's my deal. Yes, I've been like online chatting.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow, man. Hold on. Go down. Yeah, no, we're spinning around that we're up on the virtual whatever.

[Alison Rosen]

Really close to a gas station.

[Adam Carolla]

Go down, go down. Go down Oxnard and then make a right on vantage. Show you my dad. I know, it's bad.

[Giovanni]

Not good pod.

[Adam Carolla]

Bad pod. Sorry, go ahead.

[Caller]

Yeah, so I've been chatting with this girl in San Francisco and we've been having phone sex and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm like, that's my dad. Straight.

[Alison Rosen]

That looks like an alley.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it looks like an alley. And my dad's house is on the right with that weird gate, that weird white gate in front of it. Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah, nice. That is a nice dirt alley there.

[Alison Rosen]

I think there's the little metal lions on the gate though, as if it's a palace.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not my dad's house, is one's behind it. But the point is, is this street is the street that time forgot. Like, there's no sidewalks. It has never been paved. Like, take a look at this street. I swear to God, there's dinosaur in it. I mean, there's dirt. I mean, there's dirt all over the side of the road, right? Like, what. What year is this? What's going on?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't know. Indoor plumbing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my dad's house. Is fucking dirt driveway. It's a dirt front lawn, everything. It's fucking Mexico.

[Alison Rosen]

Telling people to go there. Involve a lot of like. Now turn left when you see this, right when you pass. I know, I know. It doesn't look like a street.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, hold on. There's mattresses out on the street, by the way. You should see what it looked like in 1975 when I lived there. And it was much worse than it is. This is the new and improved version of it. And no, I didn't tell anyone to come to my house. Yeah, I didn't want to Go there.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, that's like Mark, he's having phone sex with a girl in San Francisco.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Alison Rosen]

He's having phone sex with a girl in San Francisco and he wants to know if he should meet her. Not at your place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not gonna be good. Jesus Christ. I'm really getting. I'm severely depressed. I'm becoming severely. I'm traumatized. I'm traumatized. It's like Vietnam vet hearing choppers coming at this point now I am fucking traumatized. I don't know what's up with the street. If you go past the street, if you keep. Keep going down the street, you'll see that every other street has been paved. And just keep going up the street. You'll see the new pavement. You'll see the new pavement start. Keep going, keep going. Strips, good pot. There it is. As soon as you get past my dad's street, everything gets paved and everything gets new and everything gets green. But it's like. It's some kind of weird thing where it's like a Corolla lived here. Fuck it. And at some point, look, that's what the. That's what the rest of the neighborhood looks like. And then you go to my dad street, it's like. It's like at some point there's some city planning thing and somebody said, let's send some steamrollers. And then when Corollas live there. No fucking way, right? I mean, that's what the rest of the neighborhood looks normal. And my dad's fucking. It's like some kind of weird. It's like one of those. It's like one of those.

[Alison Rosen]

The ground's been salted or something. Nothing good can happen there.

[Adam Carolla]

Some kind of weird, like, roadside homage to my pieces house in my dad's fucking $15,000 house in North Hollywood. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I think we'll get to the point where people know when Google Earth is coming through the neighborhood and like, pick.

[Alison Rosen]

And they're like, hey, do you have a BMW? Could you park it on this street? Yeah, because there was a BMW on that street along with the dumpster.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there, see, look, there's. There's the rest of the neighborhood. Brand new paved street. There's my dad's street, and by the way, the street behind it and the street in front of it, it's all fucking brand new except for one street. And there's just dirt where the sidewalks are.

[Alison Rosen]

You know what they say, choose the worst street on the best neighborhood.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the shittiest, shittiest, most fucked up street in the fucking San Fernando Valley.

[Alison Rosen]

I feel unsafe just looking at pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

I was scared shitless sleeping in the fucking attic of that house.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

One mattress on the road, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Multiple mattresses. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. It's like someone was cleaning out a flop house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, welcome to Mexico, everyone. Yeah. Turn down the dirt alley. That was. That was. That was my view. I stared out the fucking window at night at a dirt alley.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, again, slice of old Mexico, right? North Hollywood.

[Alison Rosen]

So, Mark, are you. You're having phone sex with her or you're chatting online?

[Adam Carolla]

Who cares? I'm depressed now.

[Caller]

Nah, nah. Like, let me know. Adam, you don't want to talk about it now?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, meet someone is. Well, not from North Hollywood, but, you know, move up to Valley Village or something, would you? No, no. Come on, man. That's the next move. Have you seen this girl?

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, she's cool. Like, she's a Russian girl. She lives in San Francisco. I'm just trying to follow my excitement, you know, I'm like. I like to explore. Like, I'm down for whatever. Like, just what's the point of life, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, don't go. Don't get anyone pregnant, that's all.

[Alison Rosen]

Don't get killed.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I trust the Russian chicks.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know if I trust this guy. I'm trusting his excitement also.

[Adam Carolla]

It kind of sounds like the one Backstreet Boy who's got some street cred.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. A.J. or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, remember when you start a boy band?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. You have to have the tough one.

[Adam Carolla]

You have the pretty guy and then you got to have the other guy and then there's the other. Then you gotta have this sort of Wahlberg. Donnie Wahlberg type.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like there should be the one white guy who's the tough dude because he's got some facial hair and torn jeans.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I know, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a little wigger in him. Yeah, that's what that guy was. That's finely groomed facial hair. Yeah, yeah. So you got the. You got the ladies. You got the ladies, man.

[Alison Rosen]

One man's pass.

[Adam Carolla]

You got the kid, the one that sort of man boy, you know, like this sort of 14 year old.

[Alison Rosen]

Right, the Joey McIntyre.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Joey McIntyre. Right. You got the one that's sort of awkward and shy and say, saving himself, Jonathan Knight for marriage.

[Alison Rosen]

And then you have clear braces.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you have to have the weird wigger guy who is not really. He's.

[Alison Rosen]

I think it's AJ.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Everyone else in the band's like 140 pounds and you're 148 pounds, but you do some curls and you cut the sleeves off your leather jacket and you got. And that's your thing.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, right. Yeah, everyone has a thing.

[Giovanni]

That's his facial hair, but not too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Not too much on the chin, maybe.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, just along the jaw.

[Adam Carolla]

That's him. He's keeping it real.

[Alison Rosen]

So it was AJ in the Backstreet Boys. Who was it in NSync?

[Adam Carolla]

BJ, Chris Pack?

[Giovanni]

I mean, I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Alison Rosen]

Look at you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And don't get me going on 98 degrees. Line four. Let's see.

[Alison Rosen]

Wes, Nick, Lachey.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what's going on.

[Caller]

Not much.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a question?

[Caller]

Yeah. I've been seeing this girl for coming on about three years now. And when I got into it, I knew she was. She was like, fucked up, whatever. And she's always had this, like, threat of suicide looming over. And she always says stuff like, you know, if this ever ends, you know, I think I couldn't take it.

[Adam Carolla]

And like, I know for that reason.

[Caller]

But I also just have this deep fear of like, you know, pushing her to that or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my girlfriend tempted before she's done.

[Caller]

Like the attempt that was just for attention, you know, like taking enough pills to scare somebody but not enough to kill.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah. All right. The cry for help versus the jumping off the bridge.

[Caller]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. What is the root of her deep seated problems?

[Caller]

Some daddy issues or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, any real abuse?

[Caller]

Apparently there was a next door neighbor or something, but I mean, it's like she seems almost like she's trying to do it for attention, but.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Caller]

Know, I mean, I feel like I should get out, but I'm also like, I'm just like teetering on that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Nice to deal with this a lot. When I did love life. There's a lot of people out there that are pretty good and fucked up. And also when you're 21, 22, you're fucked up and you're gonna be fucked up at 43, but hopefully at some point at 33, you start getting some therapy, maybe a little medication, start getting a little Tai chi or something, and you mellow out a little bit and then it's kind of okay to date at that point. That's right. That pan flute fires up.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, zombie.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're fine at this point. You ain't gonna do a whole Lot to change in this person. And as a 23 year old dude or 22 year old dude, you're ill equipped. You got nothing. I mean, I was pretty psychologically sophisticated for 22 year old and I still didn't know shit about shinola. I knew nothing. So.

[Alison Rosen]

Plus, short of a therapist, someone, there's nothing another human being can't really do anything for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I really feel bad when I sort of tell people to just kind of cut bait with these people, but you're not gonna cure someone who's that fucked up. And.

[Alison Rosen]

But what about the idea that she is threatening suicide if they break up? I mean, how does.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Wes. Yeah, you need to say to her at least. And I'll just pair it with. Dr. Drew would say any suicide talk or attempt is to be taken seriously. And you're just gonna call 911? Yeah, like if she calls and goes, I don't know what I'm gonna do. You're like, I'm gonna hang up and call 911 right now and have whatever paramedics dispatch to your house. Because I have to take this seriously. I have to take this as if you're going to make an attempt on your life. That's gonna be your posture in this whole thing. But if you want out, you get out. And if she threatens, then you tell her. Any threat you make will be followed up with me hanging up the phone and then calling 91 1. All right.

[Caller]

All right, thanks a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. Take care, Wes. Still depressed about thinking about killing myself because of my dad's voice. All right, how bad was that street? There's just dirt on the side. Dirt and mattresses. Fucking. Oh, if I had airstrike, napalm. Boom. Gone.

[Giovanni]

Rich man, poor man.

[Adam Carolla]

No sidewalks, no sidewalks. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one didn't run into a golf course. It ran into dirt and a guy was napping. All right, let's see. This guy's dad's addicted to online porn. I like the cut of his chin. Jason, how dare you? Hey, how you doing there? Hey, man, look, if you're gonna watch Bruce, watch the Internet. Jason. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Hey, how you doing there?

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Caller]

So here's the problem I got. I got. My dad retires about two years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Caller]

He's got a good pension. You know, he's doing all right. He's got enough to take care of himself. All of a sudden, he's borrowing money from me. I can't figure out what the fuck's going on. And so I Live in San Diego. The rest of my family lives in South Florida. I hear from my sister that the reason my dad has no money is he's blowing everything by not only looking at online porn, but he's buying it, which is also a little embarrassing.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on, Jason. This is a bogus call. Brian. I wish you weren't a liar. Going bogus. I just wish you weren't a liar. Yeah. Going bogus. Jason.

[Caller]

I got my dad. He's in his mid-60s. He can barely figure out how to use a computer.

[Alison Rosen]

Then how's he buying it?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm sick of all your lies, Jason. Yes, please, please. You must adhere to the Marquis of Queensberry rules of bogus calls. When I call bogus. If it's bogus, you have to admit it's bogus. Yes?

[Caller]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut your mouth, you dirty liar.

[Caller]

I wish it were.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, dear sir, I will continue with this call. You're such a lawyer. First off, I've seen those. I can't sign up for any of that online porn because all my fucking statements go through my. Tony Reed's office. So I can't.

[Giovanni]

That's laughing, because I know Tony. What is Adam? What is this?

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a blue moon, he gets sent a weird box from somewhere that's not supposed to be sent to his house. You know what I mean? Best of Swedish erotica. 49 shows up at his fucking place. I have to go get it from his secretary.

[Giovanni]

He spent 15 seconds describing Tony Reed, so it's funnier to the audience. He's the most mild manner.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy I went to high school with, like, nice guy. I don't want my statements going through Hammers. His girl, this. You know, this woman. I can't do anything. You know, I've. God knows I've been.

[Alison Rosen]

Linda.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Linda. I've been on the road and seen those things where it's like, hey, $4 for two days of this website. And they're like, I'm out of. I'm on the road for three days. I got four bucks. I don't give a. About four bucks into the machine. I'll talk about this. I'll give you $40 worth of 12. I'll give you two 20s right now for two hours. But I can't have the fucking card going through the thing. And I don't know what to do with the thing. And I don't wanna. This should just be like a debit porn card or something.

[Alison Rosen]

Like a Kinko's card. You should be able to fill it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, we will get phone cards and like that. Yeah, I gotta look into that.

[Alison Rosen]

Ask this guy's dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, how much can you spend on that? It's really. It seems like a heart. Is it now? Unless you're doing on, like, you're. You're. You're talk. Your dad's talking to people.

[Caller]

No, I think he's just buying videos. I think he's buying everything.

[Adam Carolla]

No, DVDs are practically free now.

[Giovanni]

Parental truth is that if you're in your 60s, maybe you're of the generation that's like, oh, I must buy these things. Hard copies.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta make hay while the sun shines.

[Giovanni]

Hard copies, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it's online. Yeah, online.

[Caller]

He understands the concepts of streaming.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, then what's he buying?

[Caller]

To buy everything.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but those movies are, you know, they're 14 bucks. I mean, I don't know.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, just show him one of those free sites. If this is real and you want to keep your money.

[Adam Carolla]

You're 36.

[Caller]

And not have that conversation with him.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't have your sister do it.

[Alison Rosen]

Listen, she seems to know what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

If this is true, he's essentially addicted to this stuff. And there must be some kind of intervention that I will definitely not be attending.

[Caller]

I can't attend that either. There's no way I could attend that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. I don't know. Then you got to get a raise. That's. That's really. That's the only cure to this. That's all I can do. All right, one more. Is that Kershaw?

[Alison Rosen]

Kershaw, Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Kershell, yes.

[Caller]

Kershaw.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Kershell?

[Caller]

Nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I am one of your female blacklist listeners out here in Maryland.

[Adam Carolla]

Black female listener.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, we had three, but one lost, actually. Sizzling. Lost a leg to diabetes. And Nichilla was claimed by sickle cell last year. Kiss my fat ass. So you're it, baby.

[Caller]

Okay, I'll save it.

[Adam Carolla]

Phil Henry Bennett says that's Phil Henry's job. But Nichella is an actual name of a black chick that my buddy Doug DeLuca went to high school with in New Jersey. Christ. Sorry. Wait a minute.

[Alison Rosen]

Kershaw.

[Adam Carolla]

Kershaw. Yeah. Sorry. What's going on? Where do you live? Maryland. I live in Maryland.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're my. You're my one black female listener. How'd you catch. How'd you get on to me?

[Caller]

Just browsing through podcasts on what to Listen to. And I started listening to you while I was working a couple years ago. And now I have your app and I see you pretty much every day.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say something subtly racist. Hey, I defended Herman Cain.

[Alison Rosen]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's as subtly racist. Like when you talk to black guys and you say man a lot. Hey, man. All right, man. And then over under on me, weaving in David Alan Greer's 18.3 seconds. David, Alex Greer is just on the show. You know David. Oh, you don't? Well, he's black too, but I hear.

[Caller]

Him on your show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's awesome. Isn't he? Man.

[Alison Rosen]

You'Re definitely down with the black people, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sup?

[Adam Carolla]

You sound hot.

[Caller]

I do. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You good looking?

[Caller]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

How much trouble is the hair being a black woman?

[Caller]

You know, funny, I just stopped relaxing and went natural, so it's a lot more trouble than it was last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, it's trouble to relax, right?

[Caller]

It is. But it's even more trouble to not relax.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what's it look like now? Cheryl from Good Times. Like how she wore her hair?

[Caller]

Pretty much. I have like a poofy fro.

[Adam Carolla]

I kind of like Adam. Here's the thing. Like me. Yeah. The thing about the poofy fro is the poofy fro, when you're really cute works, but outside of that, it's tough. It's a tough sell.

[Caller]

But then nice smiles. I think it kind of goes along with the poofy fro. I'm just tired of it every day.

[Adam Carolla]

I was just picturing the poofy fro and the smile. I really was. The cute smile and the poofy fro is a nice, nice combo. It's a little uncle Tomboy, you know, it's got a little tomboy, but a little black tomboy.

[Alison Rosen]

He's sassy as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know what they call the black tomboy. I gotta have a name. Yeah, we'll work that out. All right. Yeah. Anyway, I like that. What do you do for a living?

[Caller]

Actually, I work at an animal hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. Rescuing those animals.

[Caller]

So I listen to you and your. Your worries with your dog, and I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Caller]

Part of me didn't want to dog too. I mean, I'm not as expensive as.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dog, but now stuff. Now, by the way, it's a $3,000 eye surgery that may or may not work, by the way. Yeah. I would love being a fucking veterinarian.

[Caller]

Oh, they make lots of money.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's got to be great, because I should have brought this. I should have brought this when I was a carpenter. I should have done this like, hey, man, I'm gonna be hanging that front door. It's gonna be about three grand. It doesn't always work. I'm being upfront with you right now.

[Alison Rosen]

Sometimes I have to destroy the whole house.

[Adam Carolla]

It won't latch. The deadbolt won't line up. It won't stay shut. So I'm just telling. I'm telling you right now. So here's the way this can go. You can have. If you don't love your house, you have no front door. Or I can come in and hang a front door for $3,000, but no guarantees. No guarantees. Or I may hang the front door and it may not work. And for another two grand, I'll try it again, but there'll be no guarantees about that either. And then there'll be no. When I leave and your front door doesn't work, there'll be no, like, you calling me and asking for your money back.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So those are your options. What do you think?

[Caller]

I've been there, and I have to tell people stuff like that all the time, which is a little difficult.

[Adam Carolla]

But do you know my new plan? How many dogs you figure you put down a week over at your facility.

[Caller]

Because it's an emergency facility? It's more just because we see the most urgent or deathly cases. So it is a higher percentage per se than, like, a general vet.

[Adam Carolla]

And what do you. So what do you think? One or two, three or four? How many a week would you say?

[Caller]

It can be as much as 10.

[Adam Carolla]

10 a week.

[Caller]

During the holidays, it goes up.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Caller]

People are home, and they kind of realize, oh, everyone's home. Let's go and do it while the kids are home from college and that sort of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Chrishell, tell me from an etiquette standpoint what you think of this, because this something I was floating with Dag the other day where I'd just come down to your facility down there, Marilyn. I'd hang out, and then when somebody had to say goodbye to their Labrador, you know, nine years or 14 years, they. And you. You do that thing where you give them a moment alone, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Some people don't take it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I would wait for the person that took it, and I'd let them get about four minutes in, and I'd be like. And they'd be like, doctor. I'd be like, no. And they'd open the door and Go. Yeah. What's the dog's name? Dog's name is Snowball. Got a couple minutes with her? Oh, him? Yeah. Or him? Who are you? Let's make this about Snowball. Focus on me right now. I just have a couple minutes with the dog. I love dogs, too. And then I'd come in and I'd go, do you mind? And see if they cleared out and just see what the fuck reaction they had. I think I could get most people to clear out while I had a few minutes with their dog.

[Alison Rosen]

Sure, yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah, you probably could. And there's some people who do get a little closer to other clients because they're kind of in an emotional state.

[Adam Carolla]

They do. I just had the greatest tragedy that was going on. I said the greatest, sickest joke either. And then I would walk out of the room sipping my fly up, going, yeah. Anyone got a Gatorade or some Pedialyte? I got some electrolytes in me. Anyway, she's all yours. I mean, he's all yours. Oh, whatever. Oh, we can notice. Oh, boy, you're doing God's work. You really are with that poodle esque hair of yours. What's your question? Does he have a question?

[Caller]

I do, but I've had like a great talk with you. My question is, I started dating a guy about a year ago, lived about an hour away. And not that he's given any reason for me to believe that he's being unfaithful. Our schedules just don't seem to match up. We never get to spend any time together as often for the last two months. And then. And he also spends time with like, his friends. He goes, I was like, oh, yeah, I went out Saturday night with my buddies. But yet he didn't call me out.

[Adam Carolla]

An hour away. He's an hour away.

[Caller]

He's an hour away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I have found this when it comes to relationships. When somebody says, well, he's working a lot so he doesn't have time for dating, or he's an hour away, or when a guy wants to be with somebody, he will be with somebody.

[Alison Rosen]

And if for some reason he can't, he'll let you know because he doesn't want you to think that he doesn't want to be with somebody. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And he.

[Caller]

Yeah, that talks about reassuring me, but it's just like one of those things where it's like you get to talk and you're still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but how long, how long you been with him?

[Caller]

We started. He didn't get serious until about three months ago. Like We've been seeing each other since last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, the thing where. Well, we saw each other for about a year, but we saw other people, too, or we weren't really serious, and then we kind of got serious. That's another weird thing, too. Like, man, when you know, you know. And I'm not talking about Tom Hanks movies from the 90s, but I just mean when you into somebody, you're into someone, you don't hang out for six months and then get into it. Yeah, I. I like you a lot, Kershaw, and I just think. You know what? I think you can do better. And I don't see this one ending in marriage and kids and all that stuff. And you're 32 and it's time to start, really.

[Alison Rosen]

And let's say you're thinking, he'll come back for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Nothing to lose.

[Adam Carolla]

It is that kind of thing, that the sort of old adage or joke or whatever at the Rolls Royce dealership, which is, if you have to ask the price, then you don't. You can't afford it. And if you're a year in at 32 and you're kind of going, he doesn't. And I'm not sure. And we don't. And he's not very excited about. And I'm not. If you're asking yourself these questions six months or even three months now that they're serious at this point. If you're asking 32 years of age. Moving on.

[Alison Rosen]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving on. All righty, then. Goodbye. Go to meeting. Goodbye. Yeah, they got themselves a little mobile app. I don't know if you know how it works, but GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix, by the way. Most these meetings online. I mean, you sit in your office, everyone else is sitting in your office. You try to do those meetings where everyone's talking into a speakerphone. It is a cluster F. And that's why you need GoToMeeting. You can have attendees join on the computer, your iPad. You can see them. You can see what they're thinking so much. And you do that thing where you just do it over the phone and you have to keep asking if someone dropped off, and then everyone starts talking at once.

[Alison Rosen]

Who's talking now?

[Adam Carolla]

I did one of those today where I was like, up, up. They had that thing where two people tried to talk at the same time three times in a row, and then they Both stopped for 10 Mississippi. And then they started again.

[Alison Rosen]

No, you go, are you there?

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's a part where you realize you haven't said anything for three minutes and they're going to think you're tuned out. So you jump in with the, aha, I hear you. Lean back again. Or like I said, you hear my agent Jamie, Jamie Baby Doll Dixon saying, light and sweet, baby. Light and sweet. Because he's at the Duncan's in Manhattan. It's down in the middle of Manhattan. He's wearing coffee and donuts while we're on a goddamn phone call. Yep. Anyway. GoToMeeting. They got an app. You can toss it on your iPad. They got one for Android mobile devices too. Easy, easy to do. Do it via your email. Quick and easy. Go to meeting. Try it for free. 30 days, go to the App Store or the Android market. To download a free app, visit GoToMeeting.com click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Good people, good business. Good site. Go to meeting. Alrighty, then. Let's show everybody. Thanks for calling in. Thanks for listening. If you dig what you hear, tell a friend, man. So until next time, this Adam Crow for Ball Bryant and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. He burned me with acid and then raped me.

[Giovanni]

All right, that does it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for all new episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Until next time, Mahal and Garon stream now pay Never.