Kurt Braunohler + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Kurt Braunohler & Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics) Released on May 3, 2025

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Introduction and Sponsor Messages

The episode begins with brief promotional segments for sponsors like Mint Mobile, setting the stage for Adam Carolla's signature blend of humor and candid conversations. Giovanni introduces "Corolla Classics," a companion podcast featuring highlights from 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show, inviting listeners to explore ad-free archives and exclusive content.

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Emotional Anecdote: A Morning Routine Turned Hilarious Timestamp: [01:33] - [08:49]

Adam opens the show with a heartfelt yet humorous story about an emotional moment with his son, Sonny. After an early morning routine of coffee and radio calls, Adam heads to use the bathroom in the entry hall of his home. Sonny unintentionally turns off the bathroom light while Adam is mid-use, leading to a comedic yet tense exchange. Adam grapples with his emotions, ultimately expressing pride in Sonny's independence despite the awkward situation.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Don't you ever apologize for what you just did." [06:20]

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Segment: ABC Movies of the Week Timestamp: [08:49] - [23:05]

Diving into nostalgia, Adam reviews classic ABC Movies of the Week from the 1970s. He humorously critiques films like "Bad Ronald" and "Killdozer," highlighting their absurd premises and campy execution. The guests join in to reminisce about these over-the-top made-for-TV movies, poking fun at their often ridiculous plots and production values.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "It's like one of our greatest looks." [11:01]

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Little Rotten Tomatoes: Game Segment Timestamp: [25:08] - [34:16]

Introducing a playful game segment, Adam and his guests engage in "Little Rotten Tomatoes," where they rate movies based on whether they deserve a "fresh" or "rotten" critic score. The game features films adapted from TV shows, including "The Fugitive," the "Mission Impossible" remake, and "21 Jump Street." The lively debate over critic scores showcases the group's sharp wit and differing opinions on beloved and overlooked films alike.

Notable Quote:

Allison Rosen: "Today's theme is movies based on TV shows." [26:26]

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News with Allison Rosenberg: Tackling Social Issues with Humor Timestamp: [53:07] - [155:04]

Allison Rosenberg takes over the news segment, delivering updates with a comedic twist. Topics range from passenger shaming on airplanes to the rise of social media as a platform for criticism. A standout moment features guest Sean Kathleen, a former flight attendant, who shares her frustrations with rude passengers and the challenges of modern air travel etiquette.

Notable Quote:

Kurt Braunohler: "Passenger shaming is a new social media weapon against all the gross things that people do on airplanes." [53:35]

Interaction Highlight: Adam humorously interacts with a guest impersonating Charlie Sheen, blending celebrity culture with everyday annoyances, such as dealing with unruly airline passengers.

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In-Depth Discussion: Identity, Religion, and Societal Norms Timestamp: [155:04] - [167:41]

The conversation shifts to more serious topics as Adam delves into societal issues like Islamophobia, religious fundamentalism, and cultural stereotypes. Engaging debates with Kurt and Greg touch on the complexities of criticizing extremist behaviors without generalizing entire communities. The discussion underscores the importance of distinguishing between individual actions and broader cultural or religious identities.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Let's stop turning it into all men need to really sit down and realize. And don't try to turn every guy into an abuser." [22:26]

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Guest Spotlight: Greg Fitzsimmons Joins the Conversation Timestamp: [167:41] - [179:00]

Comedian Greg Fitzsimmons (Fitz Dog) brings additional humor and insights to the show. Sharing his experiences from performing in intimate comedy clubs like the Punchline in Ventura and Sacramento, Fitz discusses the dynamics of stand-up comedy, audience engagement, and the challenges of filling smaller venues. His anecdotes about intimate performances and the importance of connecting with the audience add depth to the comedic discourse.

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "I need to tell one extra joke." [111:17]

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Final News Segment: Celebrity Legal Troubles and Everyday Absurdities Timestamp: [179:00] - [191:00]

Allison Rosenberg wraps up the news with updates on celebrity antics, including a humorous take on Charlie Sheen being sued by a dental technician. The segment blends real-world news with Adam's characteristic humor, commenting on the absurdity of such situations and the spectacle of celebrity legal battles.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Imagine being his dental assistant like Charlie. You're gonna have to put the cigarette out before we do the teeth cleaning." [157:53]

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Conclusion and Sign-Off Timestamp: [191:00] - End

As the episode winds down, Adam and his guests exchange final jokes and promotional messages. They announce upcoming shows, special events, and encourage listeners to engage with the podcast through various platforms. The closing remarks feature lighthearted banter and mutual appreciation among the hosts and guests, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and anticipation for future episodes.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Until next time, it's Adam for Kurt and Allison and bald. Oh, and Matt saying mahalo." [71:26]

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Key Takeaways:

• Humorous Storytelling: Adam's ability to weave personal anecdotes with humor sets a relatable and engaging tone.
• Nostalgic Reviews: Revisiting classic ABC Movies of the Week offers a funny and critical look at made-for-TV films of the past.
• Interactive Segments: Games like "Little Rotten Tomatoes" foster entertaining debates and showcase the hosts' diverse opinions.
• Social Commentary: Through news segments and in-depth discussions, the show addresses serious societal issues with a comedic lens.
• Dynamic Guest Interactions: Comedians like Kurt Braunohler and Greg Fitzsimmons enhance the episode with their unique perspectives and humor.

This episode exemplifies "The Adam Carolla Show's" blend of comedy, candid conversations, and insightful commentary, making it a memorable addition to the Carolla Classics series.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail].

[Giovanni]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month.

[Adam Carolla]

Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See full terms at Mintmobile do.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We're bringing you best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Croll Classics with ad free archives available through Podcast one Premium. You can also find ad free archives of the Adam Carollo show and the Adam and Dr. Drew show as well as exclusive access to Adam's brand new show Beat it out through his [e-mail] make sure to check it out and subscribe. And if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcurollo.com let's get to the clips. Come up first we have Adam Carla Show 1413, Curt Bronholder, Matt Acherty, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. Matt Achetty, Achity. I don't have your page, Matt. Or do I?

[Allison Rosen]

Rotten Tomatoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Rotten Tomatoes.

[Giovanni]

The podcast.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. You get it. I got a couple of good things for everybody. First off, a moment today that made me want to just. I hugged. I hugged my son. I almost cried. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him over and over again. And I just held him.

[Giovanni]

I know what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

I just held him. Mm hmm. Okay, so what happened? I got up early this morning to make a bunch of radio calls and I had my cup of coffee. Oh boy, you're gonna turn me into a heap. I stand by this song. Not even a tool tube.

[Giovanni]

No, this is definitely a tool tube.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a song, so.

[Giovanni]

But you had an emotional moment.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a very emotional moment. I had down my two cups of coffee, called my radio shows, drank my juice. Juicer. You better keep that going. Drink that, drank my protein juice. And now it's time for the morning Constitution. And I plopped it down on the toilet in the entry hall. I didn't go into the bedroom. And I did what I almost always do, which is I turn the light on, but I sort of. I didn't shut, lock, and latch the door. Not. Not my style. No one. No one. Half. Me and Sonny were the only two people that were up and moving around in the house anyway. And it's my house. You know what I mean? Right. I can take a. I can take a shit in the entry hall and not worry about it. And I shit like the wind.

[Allison Rosen]

You're a quick shitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Like that Christopher Cross song, I shit like the wind. You know, my ass hits the toilet seat, and I'm probably. I probably just bounce off it, drop the shit, and bounce back up again. Like it's.

[Allison Rosen]

That you're not in there to read.

[Adam Carolla]

No. All those jokes about, you know, reading a chapter on the toilet and reading your books on the toilet. A, I don't read. And secondly, the shitting for me is. Well, I guess it's like this, you know? How much time in one's life do you want to say you spent in traffic? And how much time in one's life do you want to say you spent shitting? Because it's not productive time. There's something visceral and there's something enjoyable about it on a certain level, but you're just not getting a whole lot done, you know? It's kind of like when someone says, oh, man, he really shit the bed or something like that, or he shit all over the place or whatever it is, it's not a good thing.

[Giovanni]

He took a big shit this weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's down. It's almost literally down.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing to savor, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So my thing is, I don't sit on the pot for 40 minutes and read the sports page. Ass hits it, drop the shit, bounce right back up again. Shit like the wind. Mm. And I smell a dick when I go to Mexico. That's right. Shit on the border of Mexico. Mm. So shit like the wind. By the way, I don't know if this a tool tune or not, but it ain't. I ain't turning it down if it comes.

[Giovanni]

This is a tool tune.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good.

[Giovanni]

It's a good song.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so get back to Kenny. So I walk into the entry hall bathroom. It's a very small bathroom, windowless. Turn on the light, and ass hits the toilet. Door's ajar, open maybe a foot and a half. And as I'm halfway into my offloading boom, light goes off, Just flicked off. And I'm sitting there in a Pot. And I was like, oh, Somebody just walked down this hall, saw the light on in the bathroom for no reason, because you can't see the toilet because the door is sort of blocking. You walk in, you sort of walk on the other side of the door and the door blocks the toilet. Somebody just thought, well, if you're taking a shit or someone's in here, the door's shut. But the door's open and the light's on. And the person didn't even slow down. They just walked down the hall, hand just went out, flip, boom. Keep walking. There was Sonny. I wiped my ass with my bare hand. I didn't have time to go for the Charmin. And I just turned the corner and I said, sonny, did you just shut the light? And he said, yeah, I did. Were you in there? I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in there. Hold on. I'm sorry. I said, you're apologizing to me? Don't you ever, ever apologize for what you just did. And I squeezed him. I squeezed him like I was trying to get the last bit of toothpaste out of his asshole.

[Giovanni]

Did you squeeze him?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you squeeze him with the shithead.

[Adam Carolla]

Shithan all over the back of his head?

[Allison Rosen]

That was a shithand of love.

[Adam Carolla]

I fucking squeezed him. I said, sonny, don't you ever. First I've been. Daddy's been trying to teach that to mommy for 16 years. So far, he's back up to zero. You just. The fact that you're just casually walking down the hall and he gave a. Oh, yeah, sorry. I didn't know anyone was in there because the doors. I said, listen to me, boy. That's my boy. My boy. You listen to me. I taught you. I coached you up. And he didn't think about it. And he didn't ask who's in there or anything. He was just. He was walking down the hall.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably didn't even break stride.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Early morning. He's probably going to get his cereal or whatever. Never even thought about it. Just. There was a light that was on in a room that was not occupied, according to him. Light off.

[Giovanni]

Well, congratulations. You've created a monster and you've ruined his life.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by his adult life? He's a fucking prince. How dare you? The greatest moment of my life. And I also was thinking that a lot of people, if this would have happened to them while they were sitting on the toilet, would have went, hey, I'm in here. Like, excuse you or hoy. What's going on? Like, why would you. But I realized, what is it with people who can't calculate? Like, the second the light got flicked off in a room the size of a mop closet that has no windows, it was pitch black. But I knew immediately what had happened. I knew that was him walking down the hall, flipping the light off. And I didn't do that. Hey, what the hell? I'm in here. Because, you know, the people that do that, and they're like, Listen, Mr. Adult Victim over here. Why do you need to turn everything into a personal attack? Somebody. You know, the people that just react, they just spend their whole. You know, these are the people. You cut them off by mistake on the freeway, and they go, whoa, whoa. You know, it's like, we're just driving. I'm trying to get to where I'm going. You're trying to get where you're going, I guess. I didn't see you. I didn't hit you. You're fine.

[Giovanni]

Right? They treat the lights being left on like a personal attack.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean. I mean, what the. The point is this.

[Allison Rosen]

Does my son think I need to sit in the dark?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't make a sound other than you could hear. My heart just enlarged just a little bit because it was. I was beaming with pride as the boy walked down the hall. I, I. We had such a moment in that hall. I hugged him with that shit hand, and we just hugged and I said, oh, boy. You listened. You listened.

[Giovanni]

You think he even realized how proud you are?

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. There is no. All right. Allison Rosen is running a couple minutes late, but she should be here very soon. Bull. Brian is over there, us in Ventura doing the live show. Also San Antonio, also Sacramento. And like I said, if you want me to sign President me, send in the jacket cover. You can still get on Amazon if you like, and I'll sign it. And we got a thousand not Taco Bell materials out there. A couple things, Matt. I thought you'd enjoy this. I was sitting around today having a meeting, and somehow those ABC movies of the week came up from the 70s. And I said to Matt, the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier. I said, you know, go find. I gave him a few of the movie titles, and I said, just read the Slugline on those movies. Tell me what it is. Because it started with Bad Ronald.

[Giovanni]

Were they all sort of educational or were they just.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, don't get those confused with.

[Allison Rosen]

The After School specials. That's a whole different fr.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just listen to this one. Here's one killer bees, 1974. Let's just listen to this pitch. A strong willed woman not only dominates her family of California wine growers, but also has a strange hold on a colony of bees. This is made up movie starring Gloria Swanson.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh no, this is Sharknado.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But this is literally like she has sort of a dominion over a colony of bees and she's gonna get the bees to do their bidding. Like you know, like when she says, you know, to her son, did you do your homework? No, I didn't get to it. Oh, really, you didn't?

[Allison Rosen]

I bet the bees did their homework.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a tough woman, but she telepathically communicates with bees. And then of course, you know, well, you know the movies like the neighbor lady coming over and telling her off and then walking back to her car and then seeing her flaying.

[Giovanni]

And the curtain slowly closes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like one of our greatest looks.

[Allison Rosen]

Smug and satisfied.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so first off, 70s were great because we would take all our biggest sirens and screen, screen all our biggest actresses and actors of the 40s and 50s of like the real golden era and just fucking give them wildly embarrassing projects to do in the 70s and then they die.

[Allison Rosen]

And the great thing about the 70s too, it's like you look at the TV of that era and it's ABC and NBC and CBS and that's it. And the attitude is like, fuck you. You'll watch whatever we show you and you get stuff like Battle of the Network stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well she. Oh, that's a far bit better than the old lady who has, who dominates her family and has a strange hold on a colony of bees in her vineyard.

[Giovanni]

Did you watch this movie?

[Adam Carolla]

I remember these movies. Oh, bad Ronald. I watched Killdozer. A small construction crew on an island is terrorized when some strange spirit like being takes over a large bulldozer and goes on a killing rampage.

[Giovanni]

Possessed bulldozer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It was possessed by a spirit on an island. And anyway, the logline was everyone knows a machine can't kill except the machine Killdozer. By the way, Killdozer. I have a list of movies where they definitely came up with the title before they came up with the premise. And Killdozer is one of them. Someone just woke up in the middle of the night high or drunk and wrote Killdozer on a napkin and fell back to sleep again and said there must be a movie called Kill Dowser. Mm.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's what I mean. This is like the earliest iteration of made up Movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Giovanni]

That the title comes first. And it's like she has dominion over bees.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, do you have any of the good ones on that list? Because there are a couple that snuck through that are actually decent films.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there is James Brolin, I believe. Trapped a man accidentally locked in a department store overnight and finds himself held at bay by six vicious Doberman guard dogs. Dobermans, they gotta get a publicist. Yeah, because they used to have pit bulls have taken over where Doberman's left off.

[Giovanni]

Dobermans gave up the crown.

[Adam Carolla]

Alison Rosen, good to see you.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Doberman held me up.

[Adam Carolla]

Just going over some of the ABC movies of the week. There is a Bad Ronald. That Bad Ronald was my favorite. You remember Bad Ronald?

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the one with George Kennedy?

[Adam Carolla]

No, Dabney Coleman was in this. And here's the story with Bad Ronald. He was a nerdy kid. He had glasses and funny hair and bad skin. And he lived with his mommy, his doting mom. And he loved his mom. And his mom was sickly, but he loved his mom. Oh, his mom was Vera from the Planet of the Apes or whatever. The female the Planet. The Planet of the Apes chick. Oh, we'll think of her name.

[Kurt Braunohler]

The only Vera I know is from Alice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's true. Well, you can kiss my grits.

[Kurt Braunohler]

That's Flo.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I couldn't pick a Vera.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I don't think Vera said anything.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't say anything. She just smiled. Smiled a lot. All right. No, the chick who played.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Dr. Jira. I know who you're talking about. Like Kim something.

[Adam Carolla]

Kim Hunter. Yeah. Pretty famous. Anyway, Kim Hunter was the mom. Scott Jacoby, I think, was the kid. Now, he lived with his mom, and he was sickly. She was sickly. And he was spindly. And he wasn't popular. All the neighborhood kids would make fun of him. And he got invited to a party. It's one of those things they do all the time. He got invited to the popular kids pool party and he was really excited to go to the popular kids pool party. So he got all dressed up and he got a present. He did all that kind of stuff. And then when he showed up to the popular kids pool party, they all started splashing him and going, ronald, you don't think we really wanted you to come here? You go home, Ronald. You're male.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Carry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they just kept. Yeah, like, right. And they just kept splashing. Oh, you didn't think we were serious? Because we all know that when we throw a party, we invite one person. We don't want to be at that party. And then we just attack them verbally until they leave.

[Giovanni]

That's how our parties were.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how every party works. Again, I always say the popular people are popular. They don't know who the unpopular people are. They're the popular people. They fuck the good looking people. They're too busy fucking and having a good time and being popular.

[Allison Rosen]

If they knew who the unpopular kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Were, then they would be popular, right? So Bad Ronald was known and Bad Ronald was humiliated. And he was walking back home as.

[Giovanni]

One would be if they were showing to a party and splashed.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he runs into this as he's walking down the hill. He, like runs into this little girl who's like 7 years old on her Schwinn and she's like, oh, Ronald, you're so bad. You're such a klutz. And it's like everyone's getting into the act with poor Bad Ronald. And then she starts weaving mom into it and she says, oh, and your mom. And so weird, you know, you're so weird. Everyone hates you. And your mom, she's in that eight movie. That's when Scott Jacoby, yeah, she has a prosthetic lip. And Scott grabs her and says, don't you talk that way about my Scott. Jack V. That's Bad Ronald. Bad Ronald grabs, says, don't you watch what you say about my mother, you know, because you don't talk shit about Bad Ronald's mom. And he pushes her and she does that thing. It was very. They don't do it anymore. But there used to be ways. Like back in the 70s, if you needed someone to die, but you didn't really have any budget. Like, we don't want to blow up a car or have a bunch of squibs go off on the guy's chest and blood, whatever. We don't have a Quentin Tarantino type budget. What we'll do is shove somebody when they fall down. We'll do that move where their head hits the rock and then we dutch the camera. If we dutch the camera right when their head hits the rock and we dutch it and their eyes are still open, that means dead. That's like a 70s, you're dead. So he pushes her, she hits her head like on a rock. They do that move where they just. She flops her head over, hits the thing and they dutch the camera. And then her eyes are open. It's like, oh, he killed her. So he buries her in a shallow grave and he goes home and he's like, oh, Mom, I'm in trouble. And she, of course, does the move because every movie would be 11 minutes long if they didn't do this one. Well, let's go to the police and tell them the truth. You're 13. They're not gonna lock you up. You push somebody, they tripped and they hit their head. Now it's always like, they'll never believe you. Yeah, because no one ever believes 13 year olds. Like, they'll never believe you. We gotta take all of these clothes and burn them and blah, blah, blah, and hide them and this and that and the other. And she builds him a little hideaway underneath the stairs off of the kitchen. You know, the little hollow space underneath the stairs that goes upstairs, right? And there's a secret knock. And she opens the pantry and, like, removes the panel. And that's where he hides. He lives there. You'll live in the house, Bad Ronald. Or maybe she didn't call him bad. She probably should call him Ronnie.

[Allison Rosen]

It would never occur to anyone that Ronald has just up and disappeared, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So. Oh, so the cops show up and they're walking around. Oh, where is he? And she's like, he packed his clothes and took off. He's on the. He's on the. Bad Ronald's on the lam. So they're like, all right, we'll be in touch. So the cops are looking for Bad Ronald. Meanwhile, he's underneath the stairs looking through like a little peephole the whole time. So now mom's sickly, right? So she goes into the hospital. She never comes out. Well, now Bad Ronald's trapped under the stairs. Okay? Now they do one of those TV things where Dabney Coleman and his family, complete with his three hot blonde daughters, move into the house, you know, on like a four day escrow. Like, they're just there. They go right from the hospital to they're moving in that day, you know, unlimited cellar. Bad Ronald still living under the stairs.

[Allison Rosen]

Things move fast in the 70s.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and then there was so there was a lot of like, hey, I made a whole pan of fudge brownies last night, and it's gone. Who ate them? You know, and I don't know. I didn't. You must have eaten them. I didn't eat them. Who ate them? You know, Bad Ronald sneaking out at night. Bad Ronald got all up in his head with the fantasy and he started drawing murals and stuff. And then he had this thing that he did where he would eat, like saltine crackers, but he'd kind of nibble on them a little at the end, like, you know, those going crazy kind of moves. And he fell in love with one of the hot blondes.

[Allison Rosen]

I was so hoping you were going to say Dabney Coleman.

[Adam Carolla]

Dabney Coleman. He was blonde back then. He didn't let me finish.

[Giovanni]

Did he collect his feces and urine or did he sneak out to go to the bathroom?

[Allison Rosen]

It's a movie of the week, dude. Don't ask questions.

[Giovanni]

What do you think happened? I'm sure they didn't show it. What would he do in that situation?

[Adam Carolla]

I think you can't flush because then.

[Giovanni]

It'S a dead giveaway.

[Adam Carolla]

I've given this a lot of consideration.

[Giovanni]

That's why I asked.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I would assume that at night when he snuck out to eat the pan of fudge brownies that he would probably do a little offloading in like a downstairs bathroom. And I think if you're upstairs and it was, you know, two in the morning and you were asleep, if someone went downstairs and just flushed the toilet, I don't think it roused you out of bed. That's all I'm saying. All right, now, thought of everything. I'll tell you how it ends in a second. First dollar shave club. Oh, man. Anything worse than buying razors. Who's got the time? And by the way, they're expensive. I joined. I think you should join. You know why? What if there was just a dollar shave club for everything? Like, what if someone. I'll give you an example. What if somebody said, look, no more going to the gas station. We'll fill your car up for you and the gas. What is it, four bucks a gallon now?

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be $2.

[Giovanni]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

And you never stop at another gas station.

[Giovanni]

What's the catch? I have like a two year contract.

[Adam Carolla]

That's basically what this is. Just check the box.

[Giovanni]

I signed up for five years.

[Adam Carolla]

What if I just said there'll be milk in your fridge always. You'll never have to go out and get another gallon for the kids or go bad for your coffee, whatever, and it'll be cheaper and you'll never go to the store. That's it. Right to your door. That's dollar shave club. That's it. Check the box. DollarShaveClub.com. they got plans that start at just three bucks a month. And it's so easy. So join DollarShaveClub.com, adam. They'll give you a special deal. They'll take care of you. Let them know I sent you dollarshaveclub.com Adam. All right, so Bad Ronald hides in there. Eventually he gets left alone with the daughter. He's named, like, Princess Shera or something. You know, he's drawing murals up in his weird little cubbyhole, and he's starting to eat his crackers, all weird and going nuts. And he, like, abducts her and brings her back to his lair and goes, I made this for you. You know, it's all pictures of her, their face. And he's all going insane, and she freaks out and runs or whatever, and somebody calls the cops. And they do one of those 70s movie endings where he bursts out the front door, and as the CO are tackling him on the lawn, they do the freeze frame where they roll the credits. That's another one they would do in the 70s.

[Giovanni]

That's how it ends.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's how it ends. And I thought to myself, well, this is a hell of a message for all the nerds out there. Like, don't worry if your skin's bad and you don't get laid and you're made fun of and you're an outcast. Eventually you'll be tackled on the lawn and arrested for murder.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Do we have sympathy for him? Is he a hero?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the thing that's very confusing about it. Like, first off, Bad Ronald wasn't that bad. They tried to turn it into it. There's a SC Demon boy living in your house, but it really was a wimp that you have a picture of Bad Ronald. Gary.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Who's the hero of this film.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's only had 20 minutes to summon up. Summon up an image. But if you. That's. That's the whole thing. Like what? Like I would be saying if I was in the writers room. What are we really saying? Like, the guy didn't do anything. He was made fun of. He was kind of victimized. And now he's being attacked.

[Giovanni]

It looks pretty bad.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Bad Ronald.

[Allison Rosen]

What's that little thing that he's got, that little.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Oh, yeah. Does he have his own Wilson?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I don't remember. I don't remember the. I don't remember the Wilson.

[Kurt Braunohler]

The puppet.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't. He's wearing Sally Jesse Raphael's glasses, though. That much.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Well, that is Bad Scott Jacoby used to be in everything. What happened to him? I feel like Patrick Dempsey took over his roles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. August said he tried to book him last month, but pub says fuck off. Told him to go pound sand. Scott's busy.

[Allison Rosen]

He can't come out from under the basement.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where that picture. I don't know what. I don't know why in that picture he's holding the little thing. But we'll probably find another one. Anyway, those be the movies of the week. Now Matt has brought in a theme and we know when Matt comes in, it's time to play Little Rotten Tomatoes. So you ready to play a little game that if it's not sweeping the land, it should be by now? And a lot of people tweet me. They play along.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I see the score sheets on Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they sent us score sheets. So go right ahead and play along with us. Here's the guy with the fresh and rotten movie game. Now it's time. I really hope it isn't lame. Leave us. Go. I totally can't hit this note. I can't force it or anymore. Anymore. It hurts my balls. Hurts my balls. Hatchety, he names the flicks and the gang makes flicks mad Hatchety, he's a schwabid guy and when he drops by the gang has to guess do the.

[Giovanni]

Critics scorch, make it rotten or fresh.

[Adam Carolla]

Archery. Ah, we'll get to that in one second. First E voice. Nothing better than owning your own business like moi. But hiring a respect receptionist. Oh, man. I mean, you're not going to get a hot one. Your wife's not going to let you get away with that crap. No expensive, can't handle the calls. Lose, lose. You need evoice, baby. Set your business up with a toll free number. Or you can use a local number. Customers will be greeted professionally by a virtual receptionist that will route your calls anywhere you are. Sounds like a Fortune 500 company and look like you know what you're doing even if you don't. Never miss an important call. All for under 13 bucks a month. And right now, for a limited time, my listeners can try evoice for free. 60 days free. Go to evoice.com Adam try it for free. It will set you up for an extended free trial. Go to evoice.com adam and try it out for free. All right, Matt, what do we got?

[Allison Rosen]

Today's theme. I'm really glad you brought up the ABC movies of the week. Today's theme is movies based on TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, piece of timing. Movies based on TV shows. Again, we go for the average critic score and whoever has the lowest, like in golf, will be the winner.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, first up, 1993 movie starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones, who basically Steals the whole film. The Fugitive.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Well, I'm fresh off at no country for Old Men, so nobody has more love for Tommy Lee than me at this point. And it's one of those things you go, well, who could say something bad about this movie, by the way? I miss this genre. There's too much going on in outer space and there's too many robots flying around. There's too many dragons and shit like that. I miss this one on one.

[Giovanni]

The guy on the run.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys tracking on the run. Everyone loves this movie, but there's always a couple assholes that don't. I'm gonna go 94%.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I said 93. It should be a hundred.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I said 85.

[Allison Rosen]

96.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah. Re.

[Giovanni]

Rotten reviews.

[Adam Carolla]

The only weird. And this movie, I mean, when Tommy Lee gives the hard target search every barn and outhouse and warehouse and all that stuff, the only part of the entire thing that was. Felt a little weird to me is when he jumped off the thing. And it's like he's taking a header off a dam into four feet of water. And you can tell it's just a dummy sort of falling. Like that was a. That was the only sort of a little bit of a bridge too far for me. But every other single beat in the movie is completely.

[Allison Rosen]

Especially when he says, I didn't kill my wife and tell me you jokes like, I don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Tommy Lee.

[Giovanni]

But they explained it as he was on the diving team in college. So at least I am almost positive.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they. Did they. They said it was on the diving team. Gary's got more. That sounds familiar, though.

[Allison Rosen]

The dam diving team.

[Giovanni]

That's right. He was on a special damn diving.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

The damn good diver.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so here we go.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, next up, 1996 movie starring Tom Cruise and Jon Voight. Remake of the spy show Mission Impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is number one.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the first one directed by Brian De Palma.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I didn't know that was De Palma. Well, good movie. But I don't know if the critics were over the moon about it and feel like the Fugitive was so far away from the Fugitive and no one really cared about that TV show. This is a little bit different, right? It's got a super catchy theme song.

[Giovanni]

You too? Did the theme song.

[Adam Carolla]

I meant the original.

[Giovanni]

No, the remake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? I'm gonna say. But people liked it. I'm gonna say 86%.

[Giovanni]

Damn. I said 88. I love this movie, but it's a bit confusing.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It worked so well for Me, last time. I'm sticking with 85.

[Allison Rosen]

61.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. In the audience. Only at 71.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

This is one of the movies that complain. The complaints about this are that it's too complicated, and I never understand that, because people complain when movies are too simple, and then they get one that, like, is very intricate, and they complain about that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's also. That's the whole point to Mission Impossible. It's not. It's the opposite of the Fugitive. It's got a whole bunch of layers to it and a whole bunch of guys going under deep cover and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, next up, 2004 movie starring Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson as a couple of detectives in San Francisco. Starsky and Hutch.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. I thought this movie was fun. I just don't remember if anyone. If the critics like this. This is a tough one, because the movie was. Everyone was good in it, had a lot of laughs, a lot of cameos and Snoop Dogg and stuff like that, I think. But what year was it? 2004. I don't remember if the critics gave a shit about it. I'm going to say 59%.

[Giovanni]

I said 55%.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I said 50.

[Allison Rosen]

63.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh. A little better than we remember. Yeah, they kind of got it right. It was kind of fun movie. All right, things are close.

[Allison Rosen]

The next year, another show centered around a car, got the movie treatment, directed by Jay Chandrasekhar, who you guys had in last week.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Dukes of Heaven. All right. Dukes of Hazzard. Fun if you like cars and titties and all that stuff. But couldn't have. Now, this is. This is. This is going to separate a lot of people here, because this could be big, big flow. I am going to go 11%.

[Giovanni]

Wow. I think the critics were hard on this one, but I said 38.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

I'm probably way too high.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I. Sticking adhering with what I wrote down.

[Allison Rosen]

Not way too high like Allison's.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Way too high. But I suspect it's in the 30s.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you. You make my poker hate.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no.

[Allison Rosen]

You give me such a problem with my poker face.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I saw a weird thing happening with your lip, too, and I was like.

[Allison Rosen]

I saw that 65 that you wrote.

[Giovanni]

I was like, oh, God, you were up by two.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so now I think I just jumped out to a nice lead here.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, prohibitive lead.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't tell us. The point is. Is now, Allison, you do know this is the time to swing, to give up entirely and go into the fetal position.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, your punishment?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Do I even still have a chance?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, no. You mean in life? Yes. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. There's so much more to live for. I don't know what you're even talking about.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It's not my time yet. No, I mean in this game.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what I'm saying. Far be it for me to give out.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Oh, this is when you try to give me the strategy that never makes sense to me.

[Giovanni]

Okay, yes, that part.

[Adam Carolla]

If he gives the next film and you think to yourself, maybe that's 65, maybe that's 66. Well, if that's about what it might be, you don't want that because I'm probably gonna go 65 or 66. You gotta go 5% or 95%. Okay, it's probably not gonna work. But if you just guess what. I guess I got a 30 point buffer. You're not going to make it up. You get what I'm saying here?

[Kurt Braunohler]

That presupposes, though, that I have a pretty good sense of whatever the next one is.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It's going to be your good sense. And if I did, I would be doing a lot better at this game.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm saying if you get the Dukes of Hazzard, the television show remade for the big screen, at this point, you'd go 90% just because, you know, or the other way around. But either way, you know what I'm.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Saying, I'll do one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Play some games. All right, here. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, last one. Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum in the remake of the detective show 21 Jump Street.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's a good one to make up some ground on. I heard the first one was good and the second one was better.

[Giovanni]

You saw neither?

[Adam Carolla]

Saw neither.

[Giovanni]

That was my opinion. But I think the. Well, or does the world feel differently? I have no idea.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Well, wait a minute. Before anyone says any numbers, this throws the strategy. This makes the strategy hard because you're saying go to the extremes. But I feel like the extreme in this case would be almost be to go right down the middle because I suspect you're gonna go pretty high. So I'm like, fine, I'll just go all the way high. But that's just gonna be a few points higher than you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So then should I, if I were you? Because this was supposed to be a pretty decent movie. I never saw it. It's a weird, critical movie because fans seem to like it, but I don't know what the critics thought of this movie, but I think they agreed it was a pretty. Pretty good surprise.

[Allison Rosen]

Unless he's playing head games with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go 79%.

[Giovanni]

I didn't like it as much as everyone else, but I'm gonna say 82%.

[Kurt Braunohler]

100.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you go 50.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Oh, that is what I should have done.

[Allison Rosen]

85%.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. The critics liked it. The audience was a little bit lower than the critics. I wouldn't. Now, you wouldn't think that the critics would be higher than the audience in a movie like this, but they seem to really like this one. All right.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, last one.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the last one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. Let's see. Let's tally him up, Gary. All right, I got 39, bald, 66. Allison, remember talking about earlier? 115.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So had I gone with 50, though.

[Adam Carolla]

You would have been even worse.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And here's what I'm saying. If you're ever abducted by terrorists and they try to throw you in the back of a van, you should definitely try to bite one of them at that point. Now you're probably going to get a bullet in the head. But later on, when you're in a spider hole in Tikrit somewhere, there'll be zero chance of you getting out. So there's a small chance before you get into the back of the van, you can throw a haymaker and bite somebody. You're still probably going to get shot. But that's a little bit of a window later on when you're duct taped to a chair and you're in a spider hole and you're reading a prepared statement, there's no escape. Right at that point.

[Kurt Braunohler]

And that's where I ended up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit worse than that. A little bit worse. So at that point, you'd be wishing yourself, when I was initially grabbed, to be thrown in the back of the van, even though it was a 5% chance that I was probably gonna just get shot by the side of the road, I still should. Just made that move then, because now there's no escape from this.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so that's a regret. Okay. Rotten or thresh. I hope you take that in the spirit in which it was intended.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Right. As very motivational. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Comedian Kurt Braun Oller. I hope I said that right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It's Brown Oller.

[Adam Carolla]

Brown Oller. I heard it was Braun Ohler.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Pretty sure he told me Brown Oller. Unless he was lying.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then he's screwed. Gary's got a face because he got the Braun. Yeah. If I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I could be wrong. No, I'm saying you got the Braun but no brains. Right? Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Kurt Braunohler]

But I could be wrong. Look at my score.

[Giovanni]

It's brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Gary. All right. Anyway, we'll bring him in. Let's check Adam's voicemail. Ace man. This is Corey from Minnesota. I've enjoyed all of your rants about all of those shitty bands that you talk about all the time, and I just want to know why you haven't brought up the fucking Scorpions yet. They have so many shit pile songs. But the word one has got to be Winds of Change. And I just need to hear your opinion on it. Thanks a lot. Get it on. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Now back to the Adam Corolla show. Thank you. Bigger shitty band fish to fry than the Scorpions. I leave them alone, sister. Well, they're German, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. This is not an awful song, is it?

[Sean Kathleen]

This is the song of the wall coming down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Berlin Wall.

[Sean Kathleen]

Yeah, the guy loves communism.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Hasselhoff brought down the Wall, people, with this song.

[Giovanni]

He swung over his head like a mace.

[Adam Carolla]

He blew it away with his rock riffs. Kurt Brownoller is here.

[Sean Kathleen]

Nailed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, baby. Yeah. Good to see you, Kurt.

[Sean Kathleen]

Good to see you, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm gonna screw up the name of your podcast.

[Sean Kathleen]

It's easier than you think.

[Adam Carolla]

The K Hole. Boom.

[Sean Kathleen]

That's it.

[Kurt Braunohler]

How'd you think you were gonna mess it up?

[Sean Kathleen]

It's spelled ol.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's. It's spelled spelled differently.

[Sean Kathleen]

I figured if it's difficult to say my name, why not make my podcast just as difficult?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet.

[Sean Kathleen]

Yeah. No, I mean, like, I've got a lot of ideas for never becoming super famous.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you who you should do.

[Giovanni]

You teach marketing strategy or you just have the masters at.

[Sean Kathleen]

No, I do. I teach it at community college.

[Adam Carolla]

You should hook up with that apple cider summer ale commercial. Where? I see the billboards all over the place called Klingendorf and Weiser. I don't know what. I've seen commercials on tv. I've passed the billboards. Gary, what is the name of that beer? It's like a summer ale. Maybe it's got some apple something in it. Apple, Alex. Yeah. No, the super long derwiner. Schnitzel of beers.

[Giovanni]

Linenkugel.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Giovanni]

Is that it?

[Kurt Braunohler]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Just spell it for everyone.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I have no idea. Spelled Leinenkugel L, E, I, N, E.

[Adam Carolla]

N. Oh, no, he'll. He'll. He'll put it out. They'll put it on the screen. The point is, you put the billboard up and you're going 60 miles an hour down the freeway, and you see the beer and you go, I have no fucking idea how to pronounce what that is. Especially. Yeah, but you can't put it in block letter. You have to put it in their. You have to hit there now at 60 miles an hour, you looking at this billboard, the letters, the only thing.

[Kurt Braunohler]

You can tell is there's an E and an I in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, it's like, what do you think I'm gonna do? Just pull up into the red Robin at the next truck, you know, next fucking turn off and go, hey, give me the.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Leaning.

[Sean Kathleen]

Leaning Juggles.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, can you. I've stared at this billboard and I've seen the commercials. I have no idea.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Looks like Fein Flugel, Lazy Kegels.

[Giovanni]

Remember these guys came into our radio show back in the day?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm leaning. I remember. I'm just. When you do it in block lettering, you can sound it out, but when you look at it written out in their logo and script, I've seen it 250 times. I have no fucking idea where to begin. And I certainly sure as fuck couldn't walk in to an airport bar and order it even if I wanted to. I'd have to take a picture of the billboard and then give it to the guy behind the counter and say, it's this thing.

[Giovanni]

So are you robbing us or do you want a beer?

[Adam Carolla]

Slide it over.

[Sean Kathleen]

Just looks like a smear. The name looks like something got killed on it and smeared across it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, I think we found a sponsor for your podcast.

[Sean Kathleen]

Or my whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

Or your whole life.

[Giovanni]

Maybe that's how they get you to not order it when you're too drunk. Not over serve yourself. Because if you can't. If you have a couple beers, you.

[Sean Kathleen]

Can'T pronounce that clean and loom exact.

[Giovanni]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. That's. It's the reverse theory of why the band called Blur named themselves Blur. Because they're fucking alcoholics and they're from England and all they have to do is go, I'm a blur. Like they never have to. You know, when you're in Dexy's Midnight Runners or something, you know, and a cop pulls you over, you can't go, hey, you know me. I'm from the Ozark Mountain Daredevil. So, like, you're gonna slur the shit, you're gonna hiccup, some vomit's gonna come out of your mouth. But you're from blah. Now he goes, you've been drinking. It's easy. All right, so I'm sorry, the podcast we got also a Comedy Central web series, Roustabout, that's coming up. What else are we missing with you, Kurt?

[Sean Kathleen]

I just did the Tonight Show. Ooh, people can see that online.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, ooh. I mean, ooh. Oh, in New York. I'm trying to get my Tonight show stuff worked out.

[Sean Kathleen]

Yeah, the Jimmy Fallon now.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show. Yeah. How was that?

[Sean Kathleen]

It was good. It was funny. Jimmy came. I was. You know, this is my first. I'd done Conan before in a half hour.

[Adam Carolla]

But you were doing stand up.

[Sean Kathleen]

Yeah, doing stand up. So it was my. It was my first, I think, network, like, late night gig, you know, And I was in my dressing room just kind of, like, hanging out, like a little bit. Not nervous, but like, well, gotta get my shit together.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they come scout your set and do all that kind of stuff?

[Sean Kathleen]

The booker actually had seen me in New York. They used to live in New York for 14 years. So he knew me when he got the job, I think. But then I sent him. I sent him an old set, like in February, and they're like, this is great. And then just waited until now to get booked on it. But Jimmy came in, which was great, that he, like, came in to say hi, and he's like, hey, great seeing. I'm like, oh, hey. And he's like, listen, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna have to bump you. And I was like. Immediately, I was just like, I'm getting bumped. That's okay. I flew here and I was like, just no emotion. I was like, oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, no problem. He's like, yeah, we got this magician. He's great. Does. I haven't seen him, but he does, like, some sleight of hand so that he's gonna go up instead of you. And I was just. Just thinking, like, just be cool about this. Be cool about this. And my friend was. There was a writer there, and she was just like, you know he's joking, right? And I just. It was such a release. Like, I just started screaming, laughing. And it made the whole thing so.

[Adam Carolla]

Much better because, yeah, I mean, I could see that the tension was cut, but I thought, because I think Jimmy, the first time he did Letterman, I think he got bummed. I mean, it happens more Than you. Oh, no.

[Sean Kathleen]

It's a very common thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And my life's ambition is to be bumped, you know, just in life. I just want someone with a clipboard to tell me I can go home.

[Sean Kathleen]

So you don't have to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I have such bad wiring as a human being that every day I would show up for school and hope there was an earthquake or that there was a smog alert or something. Like some reason to go home. Yeah. Even when I worked construction, when I'd show up on the job site and be raining, they'd go, everyone's going home and no one's getting paid. And I'd still be happy that. Got up at 6 in the morning, drove out to the site, got paid, no money. And I'm driving home at 7:45 with no money in my pocket. It's still breathing a sigh of relief that I won't be able to make my rent this month. And I did Letterman for the. I don't know, maybe the second time. And at some point the stage manager, something like, came in and went, hey, listen, we got a little issue, something to discuss. And I went, oh, my God, I'm being bumped. And I flew out from LA too. And I was like, I'm being bumped. This is awesome. And then they went like, we need you to enter through this, by the way. Who are the people who find you during your most vulnerable periods and then come in with a weird face and do the, hey, there's a little bit of issue you're gonna have. Your coffee mug's gonna be the ride of Dave. Like, what's with the super concerned look and the weird. Are they fucking with you? Do they know? Like, they. On some level, they must know, or.

[Sean Kathleen]

They just think you're in such a fragile state that anything might set you off.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. So was there a sense of holy shit, or a sense of relief or just a sense of tension cut?

[Sean Kathleen]

There would. No, there was a sense of, like. Well, because it was my mom's birthday and she had, like, come up and she was in the audience and it was like I was gonna. Jimmy was like. The bit was like, at the end of my set, Jimmy was gonna come out and wish my mom a happy birthday. And that was all I could think of, was just like, my mom's gonna be crushed like that. I'm gonna get bumped. And she's sitting in the audience and.

[Adam Carolla]

She drove up from Jersey and how did the set go? Everything was good.

[Sean Kathleen]

It went great. I was, I think, because of the fact that all that tension had been broken for me just by him doing that dumb thing. You're gonna get bumped. And I went out and I actually enjoyed myself. Like, I actually had fun, which I think is. I have a difficult time doing in those kind of high pressure situations. So I was, I had fun and that's what I, I loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because there's a sense of I need to get through this. Right. It's not, I need to excel at it. It's sad. It's sad. But there's a sense of I need to get through this unscathed. And there's this weird thing and it's so weird. No matter how many times you do those types of things, if somebody tapped you on the shoulder that afternoon, the night, you know, the afternoon before you did it, that night, let's say, and said, look, I'm going to guarantee you a B minus right now. I'm gonna put a B minus on the table for you to take right now. And that will be your grade for tonight's appearance on the Tonight show or whatever it is you're doing. B minus. Take it or leave it. I jump on the B minus and.

[Sean Kathleen]

You wouldn't have to experience the actual event. That means like, you would just be like, I take the B minus right now. I don't have to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I just take the B minus. I don't have to leave the house and it'll just kind of go down as me doing a B min. Whatever. I would, I could even work a C plus now. It's insane because I've done this a million times, hit a million home runs and it's been fine. It's like. And I have way more, way better than B minuses. I have a higher than B minus average, but yet every single time is a brand new first day of school and I would happily take my B minus. Yeah. Are you that way?

[Sean Kathleen]

I honestly, there's some days, especially if it's like a club gig where it's like, I know I'm doing two shows a night.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, that doesn't, that doesn't quite count with the B minus.

[Sean Kathleen]

That does count because I would always take the B minus there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, that's, that's. I got to do two hours and in Addison, Texas and I just. And there's an hour and a half in between shows and I'm not going to be out of here until blah, blah, blah. That. No, I'm just talking about that five.

[Sean Kathleen]

Minutes, five minute slot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Sean Kathleen]

No, I'm going to go for It.

[Adam Carolla]

It really.

[Sean Kathleen]

I'm gonna go for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Only give me a lot of pacing that day.

[Sean Kathleen]

It's a lot of pacing, and it's pretty awful. But I would prefer either. I would prefer to either Super Bomb or Kill It. I would prefer those. Because there is something. I think there's something a little bit glorious about really, really eating shit on, like, an important network.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, everyone kind of says that, but they don't want to do everything they can to make sure it doesn't happen.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Sean Kathleen]

I mean, if you're doing something purposefully and you eat shit. Be for a good reason, that' if you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And I. Allison wants to know if.

[Kurt Braunohler]

You'Ve ever done that.

[Sean Kathleen]

If I've ever shit.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Sean Kathleen]

I mean, let me try to think. Yes. I mean, like. Well, yeah, definitely. I have definitely eaten shit a number of times. But I think it was the first time I ever did stand up for tv. But it was for a pilot. This is Greg Barent pilot for ifc. And it was my first time I was doing five minutes for, you know, tape for television. And it was awful. Like, granted it was earlier in my career, all of my stuff was super weird. I think I did one thing that was just sound effects. And if that doesn't go well, I'm locked into doing weird sound effects for two straight minutes. There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

And, well, so I'm gonna take my B minus and put it back in my crown Royal sack and take it off the table, is what I'm saying. But now, so you're gonna be nervous. You'll be pacing around a little, and there'll be that one point where you're running over your set in your head and you totally fuck up one of the jokes in the middle and go, oh, my God, I just fucked it up. Standing in the green room back here. And to myself, when I walk out on the stage, am I gonna. I just fucked this one up alone.

[Sean Kathleen]

Yeah. And then you think about that when you're about to hit it. Like, there's part of your brain that's, like, seeing the future in your set. And there's part of it being like, you just fucked this up, Beck. And then you're thinking about it. You don't even want that in your head.

[Adam Carolla]

You want that B minus. I'll bring it out of the sack again.

[Sean Kathleen]

No, I'm gonna still say no to the B minus.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It's your career.

[Kurt Braunohler]

When you go over your sets in the room before, like, in the dressing room beforehand, do you do it out loud? Or just in your head, or not even that much.

[Sean Kathleen]

I'll do it, like, mumbling to myself. I will definitely do. I'll do it walking there. And then once I get there, I maybe will do it once, like, with the door shut.

[Adam Carolla]

They always come and get you way sooner than they need you so that you.

[Sean Kathleen]

And that's actually the.

[Adam Carolla]

So they make you stand back there and, like, listen to the band and have people come up to you and want to know how you're doing and blah, blah, blah. And then the stage manager does that thing where it's like they're super kind of saying, like, okay, we're going to open the curtain. You're going to walk forward. You're like, oh, really? I don't just carve a swastika into my forehead and sit here in an Indian position. I'm going to walk forward, tumble out. Yeah, there'll be a step. There's a step. Step. There's a step. Yeah. My grandma had a house, I think, that had. What did you call that again? Steps. I think she may have had two of them. Yes, there'll be a step. So just step down that step. Then when Jimmy's gonna come around, he's gonna greet you. Oh, he's not just gonna spread his asshole. No, he's gonna. He's gonna come around his greeting, shake his hand, and walk around the front. And then you'll be sitting next to. They tell you, I don't just plop down on the coffee table. I sit in the chair next to him.

[Sean Kathleen]

It makes all of it seem like it's more complicated, so it makes you more nervous. Like, oh, no, do I know how to sit on a couch?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Watch the step. The step is right after we open the curtain. It's just. The step is right there. So you don't step on. Just step that one step down and then come around. Don't go around the back. Don't physically attack the hose. And by coming around, come around the.

[Sean Kathleen]

Front, Keep your pants on. Don't shit on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. No defecation. And then you go, okay, I got it. And then you stand there for so long for, like, long enough so you go, why did they fucking come get me for this much? This much. The band is playing. And then you just sort of sitting there. And then you go. You feel like a little sweat on your upper lip or something. And you go, oh, shit, that's my forehead.

[Sean Kathleen]

It's always my forehead.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Forehead, upper lip, like, whatever. You go, oh, fuck. I Got sweat on my fucking forehead. I got sweat on my. I'm not even out there yet. Like, this hasn't even begun. And I'm just standing back here and I'm. The band's playing and what the fuck is my sweat? And you start getting. Now you're up your head and it's like, what's going on? And you take a dabbing with your shirt sleeve or whatever, and then you're still. It's way too much time. It's like, it's really. It's like icing the kicker. It'd be much better if they just went to the bullpen and you jogged out there and just burst through the.

[Giovanni]

Curtain like a bullpen car took you out to the. To the mound.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Sean Kathleen]

And there's always like a union guy whose job is to pull the curtain out. And so you're just standing, like face to face with him. And this guy does this.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't give a fuck.

[Sean Kathleen]

Single day. He doesn't give a shit. And for you, it's like a major moment in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Sean Kathleen]

And you're just like, face it, it's the weirdest moment. That's the thing that I. That's the thing I dislike the most. That moment, that moment before you go out.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. You know what? If you talk to any fighter, he says the most nerve wracking part is the walk to the cage, the octagon, the ring, whatever it is. And then this, you know, well, let's. It. Once it's on, it's on. Like the endorphins, you know, jump in and you're just. It's. You're just doing what you're doing. It's just standing back there going, is my fucking forehead sweaty? Yeah. Is I sweaty? That's the worst part of life. That's why I always take the B plus. Oh, B minus. And run. Later on I make into A plus with a brick at. All right. Should we do a little news? Allison Rosen.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yes. Let's.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosenberg. Read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it Cut. It's Allison. Allison. Mm.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So passenger shaming is a new social media weapon against all the gross things that people do on airplanes.

[Adam Carolla]

Christ.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Instagram account and a Facebook page. And it's been getting a lot of attention today. And the creator, Sean Kathleen, is someone who has tweeted all of us. And I think I mean, I've known her for a while, and she's on the line. She's a former flight attendant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. Sean Kathleen.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, sir. Get it on, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on, baby. Now, have we met?

[Charlie Sheen]

No, I'm a friend of Lynette's, but we. I called and spoke about something similar a few years ago on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Because I felt like somehow we met or knew each other or something like that. Now, you're a former flight attendant, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're also, it says here, former police officer and paramedic.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's correct, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw some of the stuff you've been tweeting around, but you're starting a website, rantsofasassiststew.com and you're just showing all the pictures, all the a holes, traveling with their dogs and their feet, bare feet up on the backs of seats and going through the seats and what have you in your seven years. What years did you work? Sean Kathleen?

[Charlie Sheen]

Up until about a year or so ago. And before I say anything, just as a heads up, the rants of the sassy Stu page is about five and a half years old, and the rants portion is an homage to Mr. Adam Carolla. So I wanted to say, you know, shout out for you, because that's where I got my rant portion that is actually an homage to you. So. But I, you know, to be honest, it was like the last few years where, you know, it just progressively worsened. And as, you know, because, you know, I'm a listener and I listen every day. And the passenger shaming thing, I think I started about a year and a half ago, and it's absolutely fucking ridiculous. And I'm going to say that, too, with the service animals, because that's a whole other situation because you are so dead on about that. And every flight attendant that I know and that is still working, knows that everybody is bucking the system on that bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's. When you started eight years ago, how often would you say was there a dog on your flight?

[Charlie Sheen]

Not that often.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, give us a number. Once out of every.

[Charlie Sheen]

I never saw them. I mean, I'm not exaggerating.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the same fucking argument I had with my horrible doctor about my son when he was born and his skull and why he needed to correct, skull helmet and all that kind of shit. And I was like, how come these things didn't exist 20 years ago? How come no one I knew had one of these growing up? Now every third kid needs one. We couldn't have changed that much in the last 20 years, that every kid's. Literally, the bone structure and the human anatomy has changed that much in the last 20 years. And he's like, hey. And I said, this is fucking bullshit. Anytime you see something that didn't exist and now just is on, it's bullshit. And I went screaming about this. I started with passion fruit iced tea. Nobody listened. Feels like forever, by the way. Then I moved on to these fucking dogs. But it speaks to a bigger problem, which is just narcissism. Just people don't give a fuck about other human beings anymore. I sort of. I blame Madison Avenue for this is, oh, it's your world and all that. All that fucking Reebok bullshit. But it went from seven years or eight years ago, went from practically never to what, at the end of your career as a flight attendant?

[Charlie Sheen]

Quite a few. And I will say, every. You know, you have flights where it feels like every other person that's coming on the aircraft is a narcissistic asshole. They're completely entitled and. And, you know, hey, I've got my little pup. Little, you know, whatever. So you've got that whole situation, which, as an aside. But as far as the feet, you know, the bare feet, it's disgusting, you know, the people. And I think I've heard you mention this before, like with the shirts are coming on, no sleeves, you know, and it's cut all the way down to their waist. They're wearing pajamas 35 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's, let's, let's. Let's look at it this way. The plane is a. Is a little microcosm of our society. And if you think about it, it really is. It's a place where you're asking people from many different lands and many different places come together, be in this very confined space. There's an element of danger involved here. Like, you're going to have to man the door. And the people who are working here are here to give you a Miller Light, but they're also here to potentially save your life. The captains are up there. Like, here's a place where we can all show up. We all kind of need to be in our best behavior for this period of time when we're packed into this cigar tube that's going 600 miles an hour. Just for this little period of time, you're going to be sitting next to people you don't know. You're going to be walking around them. There's going to be a lot of things to negotiate, like whose space is above whose seat and can I get around you? And I've got to use the bathroom. Who's going to? So we're basically saying, look, it's a little microcosm of taking our society in general where we're saying, look, here's a bunch of strangers. You have to live with people. And I know you love yourself and I know you love your dog and I know you love your family, but there's other people, they have dogs, they have families. They too. And so let's all just come together and squeeze it down into this aluminum tube that's 6 foot high and 12 foot wide. And let's see how we do. And for the first 50 years, it was okay.

[Sean Kathleen]

It was all right.

[Adam Carolla]

It was all right.

[Sean Kathleen]

And now everyone's just a animal.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys put on tie clips and like dressed up. Get dressed up and go after you. And is that your seat?

[Sean Kathleen]

But it's old fashioned.

[Adam Carolla]

Can smoke on the floor right now. I. I'll be in first class. I'll pop the hatch above my seat. It'll be filled with other people's and they'll go, yo, yo.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Sometimes other people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Sean Kathleen]

You got to get little boys.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to do a gate check for your bag. I'm like, how about the space above my first class scene? It's like, well, that's got stuff. Stuff. The first class bathroom. Fucking forget it. Just a long list of people walk. Just, just a cavalcade of ass wipes who paid 200 bucks for their ticket walking right through that. And they'll shut the curtain and they just burst right through that curtain. Go right on through. Oh, that's the bathroom.

[Sean Kathleen]

I think that is like a basic American thing. Everybody in coach is like, I'm gonna shit in the first class toilet because I'm an American. I think that is. There's like, I'm getting up there, I'm gonna use it. It's my right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think that existed 10 years ago, though.

[Sean Kathleen]

I don't think 10 years ago you weren't allowed to use the first class bathroom. I remember you used to be able to.

[Adam Carolla]

You're still not allowed. I mean they're.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, you're not supposed.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not supposed to. I've seen them put the little velvet chain up with the magnet on it and just see people come around from coach, challenge, undo it, put it, fasten it behind them and walk right through.

[Kurt Braunohler]

But how much. And maybe Sean Kathleen can weigh in. How much do you think this has to do with the fact that planes are getting more and more Uncomfortable or. I mean, I read stories saying more and more seats are being crammed onto planes. Or is it just that we're getting.

[Adam Carolla]

Bigger, but do you need your dog when there's less space? That would be an argument. You know what I mean?

[Charlie Sheen]

I hear you, Allison. And hi. I didn't get to say hi earlier. Hello. I agree. I mean, so I get, you know, I'm on board with, you know, that's a part of it. You know, I get it. But there's also. But there's also. I was just gonna say there's also the part that, you know, a lot of times, you know, the flight attendants are giving the proper tools to do our job. You know, like, we want to be able to give you pillows and stuff. And, you know, they don't give us that shit anymore.

[Sean Kathleen]

Do you guys get tasers? You guys should get tasers.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, I wish. I wish.

[Giovanni]

You should be able to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that would be awesome. Hey, Sean. Kathleen the. You can tweet her at seancathleen or rants of a sassysystew.com. thank you for doing something about this. And I completely agree that shame is the future. That's the answer. That's the only thing we can do, is just shame the fuck out of all these ass wipes with their pets and their bare feet.

[Sean Kathleen]

What about the people who just come in, even if the flight's on time, just immediately lay on the floor and go to sleep? Like, on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in the airport.

[Sean Kathleen]

I see that all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Again, it's insane to me. First off, it's great. You're. We're. It's so weird because everyone's a germaphobe, but they just lay on the floor and it's. It's filthy and it's at an airport and they just spread out and they just take their hoodie and make it into a pillow and take their backpack and make it like a lumbar support. They just sprawl out all over the place. And they got their fucking dog with them. Now. Listen. Would everyone just fucking listen to me? When did I start screaming about the dogs? Paul Bryant.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I was in the womb as long as I've been listening to you, which goes back. Oh, Jesus Christ. High school.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the dogs on the plane is. Is a newish.

[Giovanni]

Ten years at least.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm say eight.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I was going back to the radio show, which. Okay, eight years. You're right. Eight years was the radio show started.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And back then, what was everyone's response like, huh, what, service dogs now it's epidemic, right?

[Giovanni]

It has spread.

[Adam Carolla]

Passion fruit.

[Giovanni]

That goes back to Loveline.

[Adam Carolla]

Passion fruit is not only destroyed iced tea, it's destroyed the Arnold Palmer.

[Giovanni]

Nay, it's destroyed America.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I ate at the Cuban joint up the street. They don't have. I like iced tea. I couldn't order it. The guy I ate with likes the Arnold Palmer. He couldn't eat. He couldn't get the drink either, because the password iced tea had fucked his Arnold Palmer up.

[Giovanni]

If it doesn't grow naturally in your country, of your cuisine, that your restaurant is, you shouldn't be able to see serve it. If there's no passion fruits in Cuba, you can serve at a Cuban restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck. Thank God we had plantains to save the day. Yeah. And by the way, is there anything. Is there a bigger chasm between the plantains, the nice, gooey, sweet ones, and then the plantain chips, which are like eating poker chips.

[Giovanni]

I never thought about that.

[Kurt Braunohler]

They're, like, salty. Not. But see, there is a thing called banana chips, which aren't bad, but these are not those.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I went to a Cuban place in Florida and they. Oh, you got plantain chips. I'm like, oh, great. You have the super dry, fucked up version of the thing that I really wanted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do. Let's do one more, baby girl.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So the Vikings have changed their decision about Adrian Peterson. Initially, he was going to be able to play, but now they are saying that he will be placed on an exempt list. So he won't be able to play. He'll take a leave with pay until his legal issues are resolved.

[Adam Carolla]

We are much more willing to judge. And Adrian is a bad timing for Adrian. But if you took a stick and hit your dog with it, that'd be a huge deal. Huge, huge deal. But hitting your kid, not so much in the judgment department. I know we're stepping up a little bit now, but this idea of I'm gonna basically physically assault my kid, it's a global situation because it's not between you and your kid. Because the problem is, at some point, my kid is gonna be asked to share a school bus with your kid at age 13, and your kid's gonna be Bad Ronald. You beat the shit out of this kid for so long that the conflict resolution skills that your kid has is not gonna be talking it out.

[Sean Kathleen]

It's gonna be getting a stick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be getting a fucking stick. Right? And these folks end up later in life. I'm sure. Statistically, much more likely to perpetuate violence on a woman, on others, on their own children. I mean, you hear about Adrian Peterson's dad and you go, oh, my God, this is the. Beat the shit out of him with a cane. And look, first off, why any. Why should it be any different? Look, if you grow up in Hawaii, you fucking eat poi. If you grow up in Canoga park and eat poi, you'll start vomiting. Everyone goes, well, that's what you did when you were a kid.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Is this so you can't judge?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying. I'm saying. Oh, you're saying, why wouldn't Adrian Peterson tell his kid to go get a switch? Why should he know better? That's all he knows. That's what he knows. As a matter of fact, in his mind, he's a millionaire playing in the NFL. Maybe the switch is what got him there, or whatever it is. Why would he do anything differently? My parents never touched me. They didn't even speak to me. To tell the truth, I was completely Persona non grata over at the Corolla house. But the point is, is I would never think to lift my hand to my child because it's not in my toolbox. As a parent, it doesn't exist. Where Adrian Peterson, that's all that exists in his toolbox. But why shouldn't it? That's all he knows. So we need to start focusing on that, because these kids end up getting out and think it's a pretty good idea to do this to their kid or to the kid sitting next to him on the school bus, or to their wife or whatever it is. It's a big deal. And I used to say it all the time. And it's why this is a rant that I've had many times about fucking Tyler Perry doing this whole big bull, you know, the whole. I don't know, he'd be on Oprah, and Oprah would be, you know, basically trying to, you know, turn him. Turn him into, you know, the, I don't know, next coming of Oscar Wilde or something. And he's doing this character that's a big, violent black woman, like, I'm gonna get my gun and shoot you in the face. And everyone just be laughing all the time. And that's all, I'll whoop yo ass. I'll put my foot up your ass. It's a problem. It's not a joke. It's a problem. And I've seen a lot of comedians, like, just sit up there and just oh, it's sort of like who got whooped harder as a kid? It's like a whoop off. You know, my dad had me go get thing. It seems like a big joke, but it's not really a joke. It's child abuse. And then later on it turns into a societal abuse when you have people that are beating on each other looking at violence as a means of resolution to whatever this conflict is. So not a good thing. Should be focused on Adrian Peterson. Fine. But it's. It's a bigger problem than he and it isn't one of these things. And whether it's punching women or beating the shit out of your kids, let's please stop turning it into all men need to really sit down and realize. And don't try to turn every guy into an abuser. Brian, you don't know it, but you're an abuser as well.

[Giovanni]

Oh, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

I've never had an issue with you.

[Adam Carolla]

You've beat the shit out of your unborn children and you don't even know it.

[Giovanni]

I haven't had that thought.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're saying I'm beating Jesus, let's stop it.

[Giovanni]

I feel terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's focus on the people. And again, you know, in a weird way, why should Adrian Peterson even know? Everyone goes, well, he should know better. Why? All he's done is take hits to the head and hits to the behind. Yeah, that's been his entire career.

[Sean Kathleen]

And hey, maybe that kid was being a real asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

That's another very valid point.

[Kurt Braunohler]

In all serious business, where does someone get a switch? What part of the tree does this come.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're so Jewy. Come on.

[Kurt Braunohler]

No, I would.

[Sean Kathleen]

No, really. Is a switch just a stick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a stick. But the point is the Jews don't even know what it is because it doesn't.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Well, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying that. I'm saying I've grow up with Jewish kids. None of them were beaten or hit with fucking switches. And they're not violent because they were not. It wasn't woven into them early and often. There's many cultures that do a lot of slapping. It ain't. I'm not pulling whitey off the table here. I'm just saying hitting your kid that way is going to make your kid that much more likely to hit somebody else when they're older, including their own children when they become parents.

[Sean Kathleen]

I mean, if you think about it, repeated experiences at age 5 is just like programming those neural pathways. So if that just keeps happening again and again, then that's going to be more difficult for them to not go to violence later down the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. He was. Did the. All he did is what his dad did with him, and all I do is what my dad didn't do with me. Yeah. So there you go. Lifelock, baby. Oh, man, we. You got to protect yourself. Identity thieves. They're out there, man.

[Giovanni]

They'll take a switch to your bank account.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they will.

[Giovanni]

I'll show myself out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Thank you. Very good stuff. Yeah. All right, baby girl, let's bring it home.

[Kurt Braunohler]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, Kant.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, I want to thank Matt Hatchety. This takes a minute. Kurt Brown Oller.

[Sean Kathleen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Podcast the K Hole. You can find that on itunes and Comedy Central's web series Roustabout. And until next time, it's Adam for Kurt and Allison and bald. Oh, and Matt saying mahalo.

[Sean Kathleen]

I have definitely eaten a number of times.

[Giovanni]

All right, Adam Curl show 1413. Some classic rotten Tomatoes game in there. Coming next we have Adam K Show 1425. Greg Fitzsimmons, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Dan Baldbryan. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Rockjryne wanted that from that dude in Georgia with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying this to maybe the wrong, you know, look, I'm one of these people. I'm very pure of heart and pure thought.

[Giovanni]

So I was just thinking that about you.

[Adam Carolla]

I have conversations that I realize sometimes may scare other people. Like when I was telling Vince Vaughn that when my old man neighbor house caught on fire, I was going to let him die in it. Before I picked up the phone and called the fire department because I made that commitment. I said to the heavens, if that fucking guy's house catches on fire, I'm not calling the fire department. He can burn in it. But you realize halfway into those kinds of statements and proclamations, the other person may find that alarming. Ironically was sounded at the Hollywood Fire Department. But you realize they can read into that, maybe pick up. Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Maybe misinterpret it.

[Adam Carolla]

They may glean a few things about you and your construction that may not be flattering.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been watching my dog Molly. Basically, slowly, her deal is, I'm going to die and I'm taking your wallet with me. I'm going to slowly take. I'm going to take your checking account with me.

[Giovanni]

She's going to ride your wallet down the drain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I Just said, what is going on? And I was saying this to Skip, Wife, catch a contractor, Allison who. They have a miniature dog that is. Tongue's hanging out, eyeballs all crooked, and it's just special food, you know, Molly. Special food, special shots, special chemo, special everything every night. Lynette's hand feeding her now. And I just said, whatever happened to dogs dying?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Oh, I know a thing about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna. But even you.

[Giovanni]

Too soon.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I'm saying. Why do we all have to put the dogs down? Like, even your dog was attacked by a fucking mountain lion, and you still had to make the decision, why can't a dog die?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yeah. Because you don't put people down. We let them expire naturally. Why? Now, I know that people say it's a kindness, and I have to believe that that is the case. However, there is a part of me that's like, why not just let him go out the way other loved ones go out in agonizing pain?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I mean, I'm staring at their dog, which is the size of a medium sized bowel movement on a medium sized male. And the thing is just, you know, it's laboring when it breathes. It's on special medication, special food, special whatever. And I was sort of thinking the same thing about Molly. Like, at some point, Lynette and I are gonna have to make some sort of decision, and then we're gonna have to gather the kids around a day.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Too soon and a minute too long. That's what they'll say.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna put her in the car, we're gonna drive her to her fucking death. And I just thought, yeah, but here's the thing. That'll be, you know, three months, seven months from now, between nine and $12,000 from now, and it's gonna be this agonizing thing. And I just thought, Molly has, like, five different kinds of cancer now, by the way. People do that thing where they go, oh, she's happy. Yeah, her tail wags. But she's, like, when she breathes, she's kind of panting. She has these tumors, like, all over her now. She's licking them constantly, and it's just bandaged up, and she's got things growing out of her head and all that. I just keep thinking to myself, like, when I got up this morning, she was splayed out on the bed. Lynette's on top of her. Everyone's just splayed out. It's my torture when I have to get up early on a Sunday and go to fucking Gardena to go stand on a roof and yell at some horrible contractor. Everyone is just splayed out. And I was just looking at Molly and, like, her life is a pretty good life. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's much better than mine. But she doesn't have any energy anymore. She's, you know, I leave in the morning, she's splayed out on the bed. I come home in the evening, she splayed out by the air conditioning her.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Five favorite things to do. And if she can't do three of them, it might be time. Don't they say yes? 1.

[Giovanni]

I've never heard that.

[Kurt Braunohler]

There's so many. I know all about this now. There's so many things they say, well.

[Adam Carolla]

1, 2, and 3 is hammer checks of mine. She can still do that. That's number one. The fucking bullet. Speaking of bullet, the guy did road hard with Nate says he's got a brother in Montana that will enjoy fixing this problem.

[Kurt Braunohler]

That's like your statement to Vince Vaughn. It's one that makes me cringe.

[Giovanni]

Could be alarming.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. When you live in Montana, I think you have a different relationship with animals. You know what I mean?

[Kurt Braunohler]

More adversarial. So wait, are you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you pull them out of things you eat. You know, you realize they're there to help you hunt other animals.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Is the question you were originally asking, not just, why do we have to put them down, but are you saying, why do we artificially prolong their life and then put them down? Or why do we put them down?

[Giovanni]

I just want.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's all I want to know. Yes. It's not really. It's not any question other than everybody I know had to go put their dog down. Even someone whose dog was in a horrible accident or attack, like your dog, you still had to make the decision to put the dog down. Everyone, Dog and cat. If you bring this story up in a room, someone will go, I just had to put my cat down two weeks ago go, why aren't these fucking animals dying? That's all I'm saying. Like, why won't I know? There's a math behind it. We're artificially keeping them alive. That much I know, Molly.

[Kurt Braunohler]

But they will. But they will use. Here's the thing that I never realized, and I think this is the case, is that when people put him down, the animals would probably be dying a few days later. At least that was my case. Like, I think he was gonna die a few hours after we went down what about.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, my, my mother in law was going out to the gym, laid down to like take a nap in the sort of spare bedroom kind of thing at three in the afternoon on a Wednesday and never woke up.

[Giovanni]

She put herself down.

[Adam Carolla]

She put herself down. Why can't Molly do that?

[Kurt Braunohler]

I wish they would. Because it saves you the horrendous guilt of feeling like you killed your dog.

[Adam Carolla]

And the countdown and the who's talking to the kids and what day are we going over there? And the argument and the whatever. I mean, I'm just saying, why can't they just wake up dead?

[Kurt Braunohler]

They can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what did they do before we showed up? They had to go somewhere and die like an Indian, right?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Parents first dog died at 17 just one day. Yeah, hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Up and died. If you're talking about a dog, especially if you're singing about them. They up and died.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Just they heard a thud early one morning, came out, Woofy was no more.

[Adam Carolla]

Now Woofy had some dignity. I'm saying all these other animals, I feel like I'm just keeping them animated like some sort of mad scientists. Anyway, all I want to know is who that, you know, in this modern era has had a pet. Just die now. I'm not talking about backed over by municipal vehicle. I mean literally just die on him. Just you wake up in the morning and go, what the hell? What's up with Woofy and Wolfie's gone versus I'm gonna cart you over to the guy. Dr. Mengele's cousin is gonna inject you with something.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Similarly, who has, who goes into labor naturally? Who gets pregnant naturally?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. I've realized that this is, this is. I think, I think this is the white man's burden.

[Giovanni]

Could be.

[Adam Carolla]

I think this is, I think this is one of those first world problems. We wait too long so we don't get pranked naturally. Everyone's thing is, I'm gonna wait till after college. I'm gonna wait till I get my career going. I'm wait where dogs are all shot up with insulin and pills and treats and, and by the way, I'm wait.

[Giovanni]

To pass the bar for my dog Dan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a lot of like, she just drinks triple filtered stream water and pure free, free range caribou strips. Like the dog eats a lot better than I do. I mean, we always laugh about it, but it's completely and utterly true. You may eat fairly well, but you still have your sweets and your occasional. I'm gonna go out for a burger and some fries and do it upright and a couple glasses of wine to wash it down. There's no vices. There's no smoking. There's no beer. There's no booze. Although I did notice one of my wine bottles was lower, even though I had a good buzz the night before. But I still put a little marker on. I wonder if Molly got into that. But either way, she's just going. She's just here. And Kilo, that's Allison skipping. Allison's dog. They just can't. There's a picture of skipping. If you see the dog close, you see the tongue, by the way, you know the dog's gonna die. I'm gonna step on it by mistake. Because the dog shows up wherever we are and sits in the little bed in our little room where we're changing. And they set up the makeup and the sting house and the summon. I literally have almost crushed that dog 15 times because it's silent.

[Giovanni]

That's natural causes.

[Adam Carolla]

And on the floor. Yeah. Anyway, we got all that, so I.

[Giovanni]

Don'T know how much longer you think Molly has. If you're a betting man, if you're setting the line, the over, under.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first thing, all I have to do is take her insulin, dump it out, replace it with tap water, and she's got two days. That's number one. Although I probably shouldn't have said that.

[Giovanni]

Probably shouldn't have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If we just let nature completely take its course, she has, like, three or four days. I would say with all the chemo and all the shots and all the trips to the vet and all the special. Everything, could have another eight months. But she's starting to have these festering tumors all over her, and it's blood on the sofa, and there's bleeding. She's. She's uncomfortable. You know what I mean? She's licking. She's, like, 13 years old, and she's just. She's just a mess. And I love that fucking dog. But there's a part of me that just wants to wake up one morning and be like, she's not. The part where we have to have the horrible decision.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Avoid having to make that decision.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And the kids and all that kind of shit, too. All right.

[Giovanni]

I thought. I fantasize about. I worry about the day that Charlie dies because I've never had a pet before, and it's gonna be devastating someday. I fantasize about just him running away and never coming back. And, like, someday down the road, I'm coming to terms with, he's probably gone, but, you know, like, 10 years from now, he just walks out the front door and I never see him again.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It's interesting because I think about that and I think that would be so much worse.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because I feeling that with Lynette. But you're doing that with Charlie dog.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I'll do with the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

That's interesting.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Is he scrappy enough that he'd be okay?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, she'd be fine.

[Giovanni]

Oh, what, you thought he. You thought she would.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie can be a girl's.

[Giovanni]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. This whole perfume named Charlie.

[Giovanni]

Either way, probably. Yes. Yeah, they probably fight for themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's laying on her feet. Pause, pause, pause. So, okay. I'm not the only one who shares the fantasy of just waking up and the dog just kind of not breathing.

[Kurt Braunohler]

No, I think having to make that decision is very difficult. And no matter what. That's kind of what I'm learning now that I feel versed in this whole pet grief thing is that no matter how your pet dies, one of the things you go through is intense guilt and what ifs. Like even people whose animals just die of old age without being put down. Do you have that guilt? So I think it's. I think it's natural to want to avoid that as much as you can.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Fitz dog, Greg Fitzsimmons coming in today. Always good to have Fitz dog. Where was Molly when I left her this morning to head to Gardena to get on the roof in 108 degree weather? She was on my reverie bed, holding down the fort.

[Giovanni]

It's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

Vibrating away, just sitting there. Oh, man. It's a sleep system. Don't call it a bed. Lynette's side is one, one. One set up with. Well, she likes her side different than my side, so we set him up differently. But. But I walked in the other day. Lynette was in the zero gravity position with the knees up and the back up and had the vibrator thing going.

[Giovanni]

Floating.

[Adam Carolla]

Floating in air like Sandra Bullock. Triple 8. Triple 8, 5990. Or you can go online, go to sleeplikeadam.com you get 100. One night, no risk trial. If you don't love it, send it back, full refund. And listen, listen. It is an investment. It's an investment that no matter how much you travel, no matter how little you sleep, it's still a great investment. Look, if you slept four hours a night like Ben Franklin and you traveled three days a week like Ben Franklin. Like Ben Franklin. It would still be a huge investment and a great investment. Absolutely.

[Giovanni]

But chances are most people listen, sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

More than four hours and travel lesson Ben Franklin 88885990 sleeplikeadam.com Dawson in the Adam Caroll. A listener who calls Reverie to learn more and decides to purchase a Reverie sleep system will receive a $250 voucher for Reverie accessories. You must call to be eligible and specify that you are referred by Adam Carolla. Voucher cannot be applied to reduce the purchase price of the sleep system. Although Dawson's at the Guacamole Festival, we're.

[Sean Kathleen]

Putting that in post.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Dude, just Dawson. I feel like Dawson misses like 28% of the shows. 28 to 31. Later. Hudson. It's an alarmingly high batting average, isn't it?

[Kurt Braunohler]

It's a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I love to ingest marijuana laced food. Okay, but he's at the Guacamole Festival. I'm a long pier. All right, let's see. I was watching some Adam Carolla is the douchiest douche that ever douched. I was watching some Real Time with Bill Maher. And the thing I love about Bill Maher, I have tremendous respect for Bill Maher. And what I like about Bill Maher is I don't agree with him politically on many topics. But. But a, he's good. Like, I, I feel like we're now living in an era where if you disagree with someone, they're fucking horrible. Or you just gotta go, oh, that guy's such an unfunny hack. Or that girl, or whatever side you're on, like, because you disagree politically, you have to then go, oh, they're so bad.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Giovanni]

And it's impossible to have a nuanced opinion. Like, I feel one way about this but slightly different about the other. Like, you have to be, this is horrible. Or that's great. You have to be completely on one side of the other.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's plenty of, you know, comedians, musicians, what have you, artists, filmmakers, what have you that you disagree with? Roman Polanski, maybe Woody Allen for maybe me politically, it's Ben Affleck. But I still go, oh, he makes a nice film.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't go, oh, well, that guy can't make a movie because he disagrees with me about beefing up the border or whatever. Fracking. Whatever. Whatever it is. You know? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's, when did we start that? It's a weird and it feels disingenuous like, it feels like. I think it's pretty hard to argue against the town. It was a great movie and I'm into fracking and Ben Affleck is not into fracking. But now I'm watching the town, you're in the middle, and I gotta walk away and go, oh, that movie sucked. Because he wants to extract oil in a different modality than I do. That's weird, right? When did this begin? I feel like this is fairly new.

[Giovanni]

The only example I feel like that is Michael Moore, who is extremely polarizing politically. However, his movies, whether you agree with them or not, and they incite some people and really motivate other people. They're really well made, they're interesting. They're, they're, they're well made movies whether you agree them or not. They're, they're simple.

[Adam Carolla]

Every, every article that calls me douchebag starts off with unfunny comedian like, all right, why not just say, is that your name? Here's the douchebag thing I said this week. But why do you have to then establish the. And by the way, as I always say, when you do that, you've already sort of shown your hand. Now whatever we read after this has a bias to it because you've made this proclamation. You know, just the same way. Like if I was reviewing Ben Affleck's latest movie and I went super lefty, head in the clouds. But Hollywood, you know, director Ben Affleck and then whatever came afterward, well, it land on deaf ears because elite Hollywood libtards latest offering. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know why we can't do that. So I like Ben Affleck movies. I'm assuming a his newest one is good as well.

[Giovanni]

I'll hopefully be seeing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Tomorrow's thumbs up is giving a very, very, very, very knowing nod.

[Giovanni]

Not Bollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing I love about Bill Maher, A, he's super smart. B, he's very funny. I agree with him on many topics and we disagree on others, but that's the other thing too. Why does everything have to be completely across the board? You know what I mean? Like, we disagree on some things politically, but we're atheists. We think pot should be decriminalized everywhere. Why can't we go along with the five things we do agree upon and leave the two things we disagree on? Why does that have to overwhelm the maybe eight things we agree on?

[Giovanni]

Have you experienced this with Delmar?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not, no, not because I think because Bill Maher is Actually a sort of genuine guy where he goes, I disagree with you on this, that and the other. But we do agree on this, that and the other. And we're both comedians who are expressing our opinions. And he and I have always gotten along well. I don't have a problem with him, but I like the idea. I also like the idea that he doesn't just toe the company line. Like, he is a Democrat. And here are the things that Democrats agree on. And so he must agree on every single thing on menu. And that's what he does. And when it comes to extreme Muslims, he does not. And I think it's a lot of shit from his own friends, colleagues and party because he basically just calls it like he sees it. Look, there's trouble going on in the world. It's coming nine times out of ten from this group, and we gotta start focusing on it and calling it what it is. This is him. And Gary chopped this up. I didn't get a chance to listen to it, but he had a guy, I think this Sam Harris, not the pop singer, but this guy wrote a book on spirituality. And he just sort of came in and talked about it, and he started talking about the Muslim religion. And Bill Maher was doing what Bill Maher always does, which is not all Muslims are terrorists, but there is a group that is larger than you would like within that religion that we need to focus on. And then, of course, everyone's thing is, oh, you just called all Muslims Muslims terrorists. Which is. When did this become, like. If you say this group is struggling a portion. There is a group within this group that is struggling at a higher rate with this problem than the general population. When did that become you? Saying everyone in that group is that.

[Giovanni]

I wonder if we'll see the clip. But I wonder if they would say that off the air, like they're doing it for tv. Sort of a confrontational.

[Adam Carolla]

There's some grandstanding. But let's see. So this is. This is Sam, Harris and Affleck sort of get into it. And so does Bill. Here we go.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you the person who understands the officially codified doctrine of Islam? You're the interpreter of that. So you can say, well, this is. I'm actually well educated on this topic. I'm asking. You're saying if I criticize, you're saying that Islamophobia is not a real thing. That if you're critical of something. Well, it's not a real thing when we do it, right? Well, no, it really isn't. I'm not denying that certain people are bigoted against Muslims as people. That's. And that's a problem. Beg of you. But the. It's gross. It's racist. It's not. It's. But it's so not so. It's like saying so not your shifty Jew. You're not listening to what we are saying. You guys are saying if you want to be liberals, believe in liberal principles. Right? Freedom of speech. Like, you know, we are endowed by our forefathers with inelienable astrac. All men are created. No, Ben, we have to be able to criticize bad ideas. Of course we do. No, liberal doesn't criticize. Okay, But Islam is the motherlode of bad ideas. Jesus. So we have. We have, like, blasphemy. He looks ugly.

[Giovanni]

Taken aback.

[Adam Carolla]

It is some basic literature. Let me unpack it. Tolerance. Let me. Let me unpack it. But not for intolerance. Of course not. But the picture you're painting is to some extent true, but is hugely incomplete. It is certainly true that plenty of fanatics and jihadists are Muslim. But the people who are standing up to this, them. Malala. Incredible. Mohammed Ali Dadak in Iran, in prison for nine years, speaking up for Christians. A friend that I had in Pakistan who was shot this year. I like when the guy's making his point. You guys don't understand. This is a peaceful religion and many people are standing up to it. The one guy's in jail for nine years for talking, for helping Christians. A friend of mine was just shot for speaking out against these people. You don't get it. I like when the guy makes his point within. He's making my point within. Making his point. Yeah. You just named two guys. One of them's dead. The other guy was imprisoned falsely for nine years. For doing what? Speaking out against throwing acid in the face of schoolgirls who are reading like, hey, whoa. There are plenty of. Plenty of voices in the Muslim religion that are standing up. Up. This guy, he got shot. The other guy, he's in the hole. Okay, I think you're saying a little something. What if you were just talking about Judaism and you went, oh, yeah, this guy, he spoke out. He's dead. Anyway.

[Giovanni]

These are not the best examples.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's giving. These are the best he has.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go. Rashid Rahman, for defending people accused of apostasy. More than a billion people aren't. Who don't punish women who just want to go to school. Wait a second. And you're painting the whole group religion with that. No, no. To give you one point of contact, 78% of British Muslims think that the Danish cartoonists should have been prosecuted. 78%. So I'm being conservative when I roll this back to 20%. But outside of that circle, you have conservative Muslims. Muslims who can honestly look at ISIS and say, that does not represent us. We're horrified by that. But they hold views about human rights and about women, about homosexuals that are deeply troubling. So these are not Islamists, they're not jihadists. But they're not. But they also keep women and homosexuals immiserated in these cultures. And we have to empower the true reformers in the Muslim world to change it. And line about the link between doctrine behavior is not going to do that. Let the guy knows all about the religion, get it out of a system is not between Islam and the rest. It's rather between the fundamentalists and the moderates in each faith. But we're misled to think that the fundamentalists are the fringe. Okay? We have jihadists, Islamists and conservatives and by the way, hundreds of millions of people. You're saying that the strongest voices are coming from those who are jihadists and extremists, and that represents a bigger piece of the pie than we are. There's no question.

[Giovanni]

Okay, so having said that, he's chewing on his fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

Even if that is true, statistically or otherwise, the key thing to recognize that I don't think is part of the argument, but I think should be, is that there are voices that are oftentimes raised in opposition.

[Giovanni]

Rubbing his brow, he looks at the World Series of Poker final table.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't get covered. They don't get exposed. And they're not given the same one. Looks like George C. Scott hardcore. They don't get exposed is because they were afraid to speak out. Because that's the only. It's the. Because it's the only religion that acts like the Mafia, that will fucking kill you if you say the wrong thing, draw the wrong picture, or write the wrong book. Thank you, Bill. There's one more clip where. Where then Ben does the thing where you have to do the. It's like saying, all black people. By the way, it's 2014. Everyone with a black president. Do we have to keep going back to the. That's like saying, no black people can run. It's this weird argument where you go, look, there's a group within this group that is killing a lot of people. And they go, you Just said all Muslims were horrible, people needed to be executed. It's like, no, I did not. That's not what I said. You just said you're painting this thing with a huge brush. You're like, no, but there's a. What is it? It's a weird argument. It's just this weird circular argument.

[Kurt Braunohler]

First off, it's intellectually dishonest.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but it never ends. Like, all right, Ben, what is your argument then? What shall we do? Because according to you, Bill Maher just has to shut the fuck up. He just should shut up, never say anything. And then what? And by the way, I feel like.

[Kurt Braunohler]

He'S just trying to communicate to everyone, hey, I'm not bigoted, I'm not racist, and I'm gonna murder my lips with my fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

But all Bill Maher ever says is, hey, progressive folks on the left. Here's a group that is flying in the face of everything you stand for and their treatment of homosexuals and women and everything else. So let's see if we can focus on that a little bit. And everyone just goes, oh, that's racist. And it's like, it's racist. Turning a blind eye to what they're doing to women and homosexuals and anyone are just reporters or people that don't believe with them, believe in them or whatever. That's insanity. But also, what's Bill Maher doing just making this up? Like, I used to do politically incorrect every 10 minutes. This wasn't an issue. This is pre 9 11. Well, Bill Maher didn't bring it up. You know, it's not like he got into it before they started getting into it. He's just kind of reporting on it. All right. But anyway, Ben looked like he was gonna eat. What was he doing?

[Kurt Braunohler]

He was frustrated with his lips, with his fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

But what would his point? What was his ultimate point?

[Giovanni]

If my half. My half formed theory is, and tell me if you can put a finer point on this, is that what makes Ben Affleck a really good actor and writer and director is what makes him poor in this arena, which is intellectually. The intellectual argument maybe doesn't quite. He thinks and argues with his heart, and that's what makes him a good actor. He feels things with emotions. And to him, it feels right. So it is right. And maybe intellectually it's just not.

[Kurt Braunohler]

You know, his argument was, muslims aren't bad. Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

He's sort of speaking in melodrama, like Broad Strokes, and it's like.

[Kurt Braunohler]

But they're talking specifically not to Further the conversation just to, like, shut the guy up is what. That's how it struck me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And the other thing, we've talked about this many times recently. Do you ever. We talk about the guys who haven't been told to fuck off in two decades. Ben Affleck hangs out in a group where when he pontificates, they're all ears. And it's not like Matt Damon then pushes back. This is a very rare circumstance where he's in a group, because think about the group that he runs with. And think about when he's starring in a film or directing a film and he's holding court during lunch. You think there's some grip that's piping up and shouting him down or laying some stats on him. Him. He's used to just rolling along. And the idea that he has to sit there and hear something from a guy who may be more educated on a topic than he, and he has to just sort of sit there and eat it. You could see physically, he didn't know what to physically do with himself. Like, he looked like everyone else. You know, Ann Coulter goes on that show, people call her cunt 200 times a day. And she sits there and she reboots and she reloads, and then she comes back again. And, you know, Huffington does the same thing, and everybody does. Bill Maher does the same thing. Ben Affleck was sitting there like, I haven't had anyone disagree with me for this long in 20 years. Like, I'm surprised he didn't stand up and yell, get off the set. You're fired. You're gone. Go fucking go. Wait, go ahead and complain to Sager after you're gone.

[Giovanni]

What's your agent name?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're out of here. Like, he. He physically didn't know what to do. And by the way, when he was being hit with some statistics and the guy was being respectful and conversational, he just went like, oh, God. Okay, all right. Okay. I can't get up and leave. I can't throw my coffee in your face. I have to weather the storm. But his body language is.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I don't think he realized he was on camera.

[Adam Carolla]

It was insane. All right, here's our last point. I don't understand it. You don't understand my argument. You know, black people, you know, they show. That is not my argument. No, it's not. It's bas. I can show you aole of Egyptians. They are not outliers in the Muslim world that say, like, 90% of them believe death is the appropriate Response to leaving the religion. If 90% of Brazilians thought that death was the appropriate response to leaving Catholicism, you would think it was a bigger deal. I would think it's a big deal no matter what. Okay, but that's not. But what I would do is say it's get the same thing. You know, it's like saying black.

[Giovanni]

It's that grandiose emotional response that I think is what makes him a good director actor, but not a good debater.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But you do realize what not having anyone argue with you for a very long period of time sort of does to you. A, you don't formulate very good arguments, and B, your body just sort of turns into, ugh. But by the way, it made me.

[Giovanni]

Realize, like, he turns into one of those guys outside of a gas station.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Imagine bringing home a super shitty report card to him when you're 13. And just that look just. And you're just sort of waxing on like you're just going, now, listen. You know, geometry, obviously not one of my strongest suits. But Mrs. Parker is not helping at all because she had it in. She had it in for me from day one. And you could just see him just like, he, like. Yeah, literally haven't seen anyone on camera physically do that with their hands and their face and their body.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It was like a tiny temper tantrum.

[Giovanni]

He's falling out of his skin.

[Adam Carolla]

He started turning different colors and things like that. But by the way, the guy, Sam Harris, is just an atheist who wrote a book on spiritualism. He wasn't really saying anything.

[Giovanni]

He's not even making an argument. He's just kind of reporting what he found.

[Adam Carolla]

But it wasn't like, hey, gas up the drones. We're going after those towel heads. He was just like, here's what we know.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Speaking of religious fundamentalism. So in my neighborhood, there's a lot of Hasids. And I got home the other day and I heard this crazy sound and flapping coming from across the street. And I look in. It was like looking through my rear window. It was like, rear window. And I see a bunch of Jews with the spit curls and the yarmulkes and little kids with yarmulkes and a chicken and they're holding. He's like, I mean, it's sort of across the street. It's far away. And I'm just hearing this. What sounds like a chicken in agony. And I'm especially sensitized to animals in pain of late.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I'm like, and now it's happening across the street. And I. He's holding the. I've never seen someone hold a chicken this way. Holding it by its. Its wings. And that's what made me realize, oh, I don't think this is a pet. But then, like, it sort of flapped away. But everyone seemed to be having a good time, so I watched for a while the chick.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Kurt Braunohler]

Chicken wasn't though. But I heard them be like, oh, did you get it? Because it like, wandered away and then came back. And anyway, I had this very uncomfortable, kind of awful feeling about what was going on. And I went inside and then I like, peered through my window again and I thought. And I. Anyway, I googled Hasid chicken and Hasidic chicken ritual came up. Anyway, it's something they do, not all of them.

[Giovanni]

They all do.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like saying all blacks all get into the back of the bus.

[Kurt Braunohler]

You said all blacks like chicken the night before y'all. Kapoor, you take a. I don't know if it's a chicken or a rooster. And you hold it in this special way by its wings and you, like, wave it around everyone's heads to, I think, soak up all the sin.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just good science.

[Kurt Braunohler]

And then you slaughter the chicken and. Yeah. Did you think it was gonna end well for the chicken?

[Adam Carolla]

The chicken's like, oh, you're gonna slaughter me now. Thank you. You've been swinging me around like a ritualistic. Yeah. In front of a bunch of Jews for the last hour. Death would be sweet relief from this. And then it's not Hasidim weather, by the way, out here. The peos and the beard and all the black gowns and hats and stuff. These people have to be miserable in this weather.

[Kurt Braunohler]

And then they donate the meat to the needy. Like, you have to do that. That's an important part of the ritual. But then I was reading it's controversial and there's a whole movement within the Hasidic community to do it with coins instead of chickens. Because then at least you're not, not hurting animals. Anyway, I found the whole thing. Now I'm more anti Semitic than ever. Not really. I found the whole thing very uncomfortable. I was so, so disturbed.

[Adam Carolla]

How anti Semitic? What if they did swap out the coins? You just open the window. It's like a whole bunch of Jews fighting over nickel next apartment. Wow, this is so stereotypical.

[Giovanni]

Pun intended.

[Kurt Braunohler]

And granted I eat chicken, so I'm hypocritical, but I don't think that I like. It's the torturing, sacrificial element of it. The was disturbing.

[Adam Carolla]

When we get to the tip of the spear of any religion, like you take whatever, like you're talking about Islam, you're talking about Judaism, Christianity, whatever it is, when you get to the very tip of the spear, you know, the best of the best.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Do you have the most fundamentalist?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like the elite alpha team of.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Whatever it is, whatever the handle of the spear is, that's where they're hanging out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying when you get to the most extreme version of any religion. Cuz we all work, know and hang around with Jews, no problemo, and Muslims and everything else. But when you get to the very Jewiest of the Jew or most devout Muslim or the most devout Christian or the most devout, fill in the blank. They're always nuts, right?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yes. I don't even know that Hasids are the Jewiest of the Jew or I don't know if they're sort of an offshoot of. But same point. It's. It's the super fundamentalist, hardcore culty side of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes and yes. All right, well that was fun. Went out to dinner with Dr. Drew and his wife and my kids and then they all went off to the UCLA game and came home with a ton of shit. Last night I didn't go. It was too fucking late for me and I had to get up early and go out and all that good stuff. But nice sitting down with Dr. Drew and his wife and having a nice dinner. And I'll tell you, you could do a lot worse than Dr. Drew. I will say this with a great amount of pride. And I told this to skip from catch a contractor. It goes virtual.

[Giovanni]

It's probably doing worse.

[Adam Carolla]

I last weekend was at Jimmy's house, hanging out with him. This weekend I was hanging out with Drew, out to dinner.

[Giovanni]

You're on the sidekick tour.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the sidekicks notoriously don't get along well with each other some years down the road. It's one of those inherent things. I don't know what it is. Especially in comedy. You can't put two people together and expect Martin and Lewis to get along, and then inevitably, they hate each other at a certain point. And then Jerry Lewis gets them back together for some sort of tearful reunion and to raise some money for muscular dystrophy. But either way, I told Skip, look, five years from now, if we're not talking, that's on you. So I have a proven track record of getting along nicely.

[Giovanni]

You're established.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, Fitz Dog is here. Your phone calls, news, all that. Quick break. Right back with Greg Fitzsimmons next. Yeah, Fitz Dog, everybody. Greg Fitzsimmons in studio. It's gonna be Atlanta at the Punchline. Pittsburgh Improv. More dates available on the website and you can go to Fitz Dog Radio. Check out the podcast website, fitzdog.com One Hour Comedy Special, Life on stage, available on Hulu Man. Good to see you, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Always happy. I think the best compliment one human can pay to another, and I think this works socially and it works professionally, is whether it's a dinner party or whether it's a podcast, when you call somebody at some point. When I talk to the Porcelain Punisher, Matt Fondelier today, and I'm tired and I'm working all day, and I mean, fucking Gardena. And I go, who's the guest tonight? And he goes, greg Fitzsimmons. And I go, good. That's the best compliment. I like to hear that. I really do. Like, I just went, oh, good. This is fucking awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm glad.

[Adam Carolla]

That's one less joke for me to tell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So just one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I need to tell one extra joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Than you normally do that I normally. I normally would tell. No, I'm just. It's. I love your energy. I love your honesty. I love your sense of humor. I love. I love the way you approach life and topics and try to dissect things. And I'm just a fan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

[Adam Carolla]

I absolutely feel that way. What's going on with you? You're going to Atlanta, to the Punchline. Is that that place that's in the cabin that we always talk about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. This is the place with the. It's got a very small balcony that holds eight people. So it's a Little bit like the three old guys in the Muppet show, where you look, you look up and you know they're shitting on you. Because the thing that's good about a comedy club is that everybody can hear everybody. So you have to shut up and listen to the show or you will be found and removed like a tumor. But now you put eight people up in the balcony.

[Giovanni]

If only.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they're snipers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The place is done like a ski chalet from a 70s porn movie. It's a lot of wood in that place. A lot of exposed knotty pine and Douglas fir. And there is that weird second story. And we're not looking at a picture of it, I don't think. Oh, we show Greg. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe we're not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. This is a club that, like Seinfeld was a feature actor.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at something that's way too nice. A little office up top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Office is the green room.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we hope you. While you're waiting to go, there's the room.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a room behind the stage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That you can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is a little bit like. It's like the wizard of Oz. You go back and you are literally. You got to go there before the show starts or the audience sees you walk through the crowd to go to the green room where you. Where you're trapped.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you kind of slink back there. But it is, it is one of the great comedy rooms in terms of, like, it just. Some rooms have. It's like a well worn baseball mitt that's got a pop and people just fucking laugh hard. It's where you want a table one hour special, but it's too small.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I remember, sadly, I think the owner who was driving me around when I did it when I was there a few years ago said that, I don't know, you know, they do the sort of Tears of the clown kind of thing. And to me there's nothing Saturn. It's kind of nice that Dice is having his resurgence, but after playing, I don't know, Madison Square garden in the 80s or the 90s, you know, doing five sold out shows or whatever it is, is Dice came in two weeks earlier or something. And first off, it's that weird thing. It's like, I'm playing this. It's weird when you go, Dice is playing the same venues, I'm playing, what a loser. And then you go, wait a minute, what's that say about me?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

So he said that Dice. And I'm sort of paraphrasing, but Dice has had a nice resurgence over the last few years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That movie, the Woody Allen movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I'm happy for him. People are assholes. Blue.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Jasmine.

[Adam Carolla]

Jasmine. But about four years ago, when things weren't going quite so good, he said, Dice is playing here. But he insisted on 100 bucks a ticket. And because he insisted on 100 bucks a ticket, 45 people showed up instead of the 275 or 300 that the place holds. And I just thought that that. That makes it a little sadder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta recalibrate. You know, it's really. And that is the tough thing about standup is there's a. You know, it's a very exact science because you pick the size of the room you're gonna play, then you pick the ticket price, then you decide how much you're going to advertise to push that date. And then you get there and if it comes up short, you. And I'm. I mean, if it's 3/4 full, it's a failure, right? You need to hit that fucking back row every time the club owner is not happy. And your agency, like, I never want to walk out feeling like the club owners going offsimmons took me for a ride. I lost money this week, right? So I try to set my price at a point where I know I can fill the back. But when you don't, it is. It's a failure for everybody. It's awkward.

[Adam Carolla]

The best example or the best. You know, there's a happy side and a sad side of that. But. But the first time I played Seattle, I wasn't in Seattle. I was in Kirkland, Washington. And we're at the place. Somebody corrected me. I think I said it was a Pizza Hut, but they corrected me and said it was a Papa John's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Dice that had been converted.

[Giovanni]

There's your one joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Did six. You may leave now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can take a breath.

[Adam Carolla]

Did six sold out shows in a room that held 270 people. And I just turned to Mike August and I said, the next time we come to Seattle, instead of six shows in a place that holds 265, let's do one show in a place that holds 1900 or 2000. Came back, sold out. The Moore Theater, which holds 1900 people. And it never fucking felt better about myself and my math, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like having a three way with two fives and you go, I could be fucking a ten right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, It'd be nice, you know. Well, that's a very interesting point. Would you rather have. I think everyone would rather have. Where's the Mason Dixon line? In the three way, which is this Dixon a Dick's Inn. That's what I yell just to give everyone a heads up. No, in the threesome, I think everyone would rather have sex with 110 than two fives.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

But if the threesome is your thing and you're into, if that's what you're going after, then the numbers doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know I would say. I would, I'd say it does. But here's what I would say. Where does that end?

[Kurt Braunohler]

So let's say two sevens are an eight. Like that, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, we could either go down. I'd leave the ten at the ten, but the two sevens. Because by the time you get to two eights, you'd much rather have the threesome with the two eights than the one ten, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think this logarithm is complicated because if you are going to have a three way, you have to assume 50% less capability and servicing each one. So I don't want to disappoint a 10. I want to walk away feeling like I had a 10, I gave it my 11. Now if I have a three way with two tens, they're each getting five. Well, I'm a loser.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you're not going to have a three way with 2:10. All right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, if I have a three way with 2 sixes, they can both walk away going, I got 65% of the Fitz dog. I feel satisfied.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you feel like the three way usually has a combined score?

[Giovanni]

A lot of numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like the three ways, the average combined score of the two girls in the three way is like an 11.5 or 12. But it's an 8 and a 3.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? And the, and basically the three is a pilot fish on the shark that is the eight. And the eight is kicking the door open to the three way with the guy who probably rather just be with the eight, but is okay that the three is joining along so many metaphors, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's. She's lucky to get finger blasted while you're banging the 10 or the 8.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you sound, well, like dad if.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You throw her manual and there's no eye contact with the feeder fish.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's reaching out of hand. There's, you know, there's the move in the three way where the woman will Actually lick the ball sack while you're having intercourse with the other one. Now, obviously the hot one's not going to do. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me ask you this. In terms of three way etiquette, do you then want to just focus more or do you end up overcompensating like I do with black people? You know, like if I'm walking all black people. Sorry, yeah. No, all black men. Well, if I'm walking down the street and the white homeless guy asked me for money, I'm like, get a job. But when the black guy does it, I give him the money because I don't want him to think I'm a racist.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Or the eight. Because you're not shallow.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want the three to feel bad. So I over focus, overcompensate on the three and not ignore the eight completely. But I'm. I'm so worried, you know, you know.

[Kurt Braunohler]

How it all up in your head in this threesome.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, when you. There's somebody that you don't really want to come to your party and they show up, you. You way overcome, say, oh, Nancy, I'm so glad you're here. This is a pleasant surprise. Come in. Yes. This is all. You know, it's like way too often.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Talking to someone who has one eye or one eye that looks askance. And you're like, not making eye contact. Super. Making eye contact. Not making. You're trying not to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I also think that you're trying to protect the three way. And if you under service the three. Would we call her a three? Yes, if you under service the three, she's gonna leave and she's bringing her friend with her. So there has to be a certain maintenance on all parties.

[Kurt Braunohler]

There's a question about the three licking your balls while you're having sex with the eight. And I don't know what it says about me that I'm imagining myself as a three in this scenario, but it just seems dangerous. Like if you get hit in the face, all sorts of stu yourself as.

[Adam Carolla]

The five holding the towel.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

No, really, though, isn't that dangerous for the caddy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You're waving the towel over your head.

[Kurt Braunohler]

If your face is right by thrusting parts. Isn't that dangerous?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you have to imagine yourself saying no with your tongue out.

[Adam Carolla]

No. But can I say this? I think that. And I don't think it's this way with women, but I think it's this way with men. I don't think. I think getting the balls licked while you're with the eight is some fantastic sensation. It's that we really appreciate the effort.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Well, yes means yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, I don't think women have a version of boy. We really appreciate the effort. Like, I don't know many guys that like, the digit dropped on them from the ladies. But we do love the effort, you know, we like what it's saying about you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. We like to be taken care of. But when I. What I notice in the three ways that I. Yeah, it's the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The only time the thought counts is in the sack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Other than that, we don't care. Like, anniversaries and gifts and things like that. We don't care about the thought. But sexually, the thought is nice.

[Giovanni]

Women getting their boobs kissed must be like guys getting their balls licked.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, nice. Thanks.

[Giovanni]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

We can move on to something better now. I appreciate what you're doing. That's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Some of them are doing it for us, though. Some women don't enjoy things. Breasts play and they feel like actually they're doing something for us by letting us chew and nibble and lick or whatever. Weird. I don't imagine that's comfortable for women. I don't know too many women that have asked me to pleasure them through their breasts.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I can weigh in on this, actually. I am one of those women where I'm kind of like someone could be kissing my shoulder and it feels about the same. Like, it doesn't do anything for me, really, unless it's a hard pinch or something. But there are women who say that their nipples are their erogenous zone and they can apparently orgasm just from having someone touch their breasts. I think that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? Why the booby range in sensitivity? Because we can all agree that there's some chicks, there's like, kind of neither here nor there, and then there are other chicks that really are into it. I don't feel like there's any guy that has a relationship with his dick. You know what I mean? Where it's like, well, you know, my friend Ray really loves his dick sucked. But then my buddy Chris doesn't care for it much. It's not. Not his thing. He's a dick man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Total dick man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're all pretty much between a nine and a half and a ten in that category. In terms of that, why so much range with women?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you do hear that women with the smaller breasts have more sensitivity than a woman with a full bosom.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I think it changes throughout the course of possibly a lifetime and time of the month and all that kind of stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you run marathon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Yeah. Women, if you run a marathon, you'll like lactate, won't you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They'll lactate and they'll put band aids on their nipples. Otherwise they bleed. So when I watch you do that too, I think, yes, absolutely. When I watch a marathon, I'm watching. I'm looking at the nipples as they come towards me and I'm looking at the ass as they come towards. Why does your nipples shit themselves?

[Giovanni]

The shirt rubbing up and down. It's the shirt rubbing up and down. Ten.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I. That's what I thought, but I didn't know. I don't know what it was. Listen, if you're engaged in an activity where at some point your nipples start bleeding, that's God telling you to pull over and grab a nipple. You know, I don't give a fuck what it is. I don't care if it's badminton or you're playing beach volleyball. If your nipples are bleeding, pull over. You know, it's a very. It's really up there with the bloody stool, you know what I mean? Like, that's God saying, take, let's grab an E. Let's get a breather over here. Eat a banana, have some Pedialytes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the only way mentioned that we don't have nipples for any reason except for that. It's a red flag. Things have gone horribly wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. I did not know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, David. 45, Virginia. Hey. Hey, what's going on, man? Hey, I've got a kid who's getting ready to be driving in about six or eight months. And I saw a show where you were teaching someone to drive stick and you had a couple of really good tips. And I want him to not be one of those grown men who can't drive manual transmission. Yeah, and what, what were some of the tips you gave on that show where you were teaching somebody to drive stick? I had to teach this sort of ditzy, pretty actress how to drive a stick. And the stick was a Dodge Viper. So it was like a 600 horsepower, 650 foot pounds of torque, like crazy, you know, super hard clutch and I mean, arguably the Dodge Viper's arguably the most visceral, just sort of the grizzly bear of cars, you know, I mean, this is a Jetta Diesel, so this isn't going to be like that. Yeah, this will be a fuck of a lot easier than a Dodge Viper. A Dodge Viper is, again, couldn't be a more difficult car to drive in a day and age where everything has traction control and stability control and basically drives itself. The Dodge Viper is the last of the crazy muscle car throwbacks. It's a bear. It's a bear. And I had to teach this chick who did not know how to drive a stick, how to drive the stick and, by the way, with me in it. So I didn't want her going, you know, driving, going all Blues Brothers on my ass through the shopping mall and everything. So the first thing I did, I realized, because what everyone does is they let the clutch out. They don't give it enough gas. They stall it every time. I said, and I don't know why, I said, give me your safety word. What is your safe word? What's a word I would yell out that would make you do something? And she said, black cock. Well, she said engorged black cock, but yes, but how. Oh, you must have seen that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw the episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Voltaire, I think, is what she said, and I guess she was a little bit artsy. So I said. I said, okay, now listen to me. When I yell out, Is it Voltaire?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Voltaire.

[Adam Carolla]

Voltaire. When I yell out Voltaire, you press the clutch in. That's all you do. Just press the clutch in. Left foot, clutch in. And she said, fine. And we sat there, like, sort of idling for a while, and I just yelled, voltaire. And she pressed the clutch in. Do it again. Voltaire. So I had her trained that every time I yelled Voltaire, she's went in with the clutch. If you just go in with the clutch, when you start sputtering or you start getting into trouble or the car's dieseling or it's going to die, or you're giving it not enough gas and too much clutch, just pressing the clutch, all is forgiven. You're just back to idling. And you can just kind of work the brake with your. With your right foot. So have a word. If you want to go with the engorged black cock, that'll be your business. As Fitz Dog suggests. David, I would just pick one word, like just cock.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's kind of a mouthful. No pun intended.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a boy or is it your son? Say it's my son. Yeah, okay. Yell out Adrian Peterson every time. That'll send a message, and I'll act as a safe word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that you're teaching with a stick, by the way, because a teenager, he's gonna text and eat and whatever. Now he's got to shift the car. He doesn't have any hands free. He's got to concentrate on driving.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we were definitely much more engaged with driving. The cars made a lot of noise. You're constantly moving your hands and feet. You couldn't. You didn't have that. I'm just sort of. It's silent. I have the air conditioning on. I'm just kind of drifting off kind of thing. You're much more engaged with it. But get out, get a safe word, scream that word. And every time they yell that word, push that clutch in. And I had this chick who'd never driven a car before, take a Dodge Viper, go 100 yards down the parking lot, go like around a cone, stop, do like a three point turn, put it in reverse, back out and go forward again. The only problem with the bit is the bit was great. It was three guys, three hot rods, three chicks who can't drive a stick, who can get the best time. They ended up cooking the shit out of the bit, making it stupid and fucking it up, up. And I ended up. I won. My chick won by like 20 seconds. But they still. You know when the producers have to produce and you go, well, what we just did, just as we did it was pretty, pretty darn cool. And they're like, yeah, yeah, now we're gonna get in and fix it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they need a teaser going into commercial. So they show the same fucking scene again and again.

[Adam Carolla]

Right and right again. But yeah, that's the whole key. Just yell out. I never thought about it before and I didn't learn to drive a stick that way. But if you ever get into trouble, just push that clutch in and all bad things will stop immediately. You can't stall it, you can't do anything. And then you can just put the brake on. All right, let's see. Somebody's got a question. I was just talking about magazines. Dennis. Yeah, Aceman 33. What's going on? Hey, Fitzpassion. Bald. Hello. Hey, hey, hey. My question is, Adam, do you ever get approached to do like a major magazine profile or something on Buzzfeed that's just about you? Because it seems like you're prominent enough where someone would approach you. I could see why you wouldn't want to do it, though. No, I never get. I get. Here's what I get. Time magazine wants to interview you. Really? About Jimmy? Well, that's. That's what I get all the time. So if I've never heard of the magazine, then it's about me. But if it's A magazine I've heard of. Then they want to know what Dr. Drew's really like at home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're like. It's like eighth grade, and a hot chick comes up to you, but she really wants to know if your friend likes her.

[Adam Carolla]

It's that scene in every 80s movie where the chick comes up. Every 80s when I forgot about the scene where I come out and go, there's some. Yeah. Allison, you be. There's somebody I really like. No, wait.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I'm the chicken.

[Adam Carolla]

You be the chick, and I'll be the hunky dude.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

There's somebody I really like, but I'm scared to share my true feelings with them.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Wait. I'm the dude.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the chick. Sorry. It'll be easier.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

There's somebody I really like. I don't know, because it's your friend that I'm ultimately gonna ask you about. We're switching the gender, so.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Okay. Okay. Got it. So I'm. I'm the nerd. I'll be the nerdy chick, then you'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Be the nerdy chick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the hunky dude.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I'll be the three.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hi. Hey, Jane. There's somebody who I've really felt a connection to, but I'm scared to talk to them.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Really? Don't be scared.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone thinks I'm weird because they think she's unusual. But I think she's pretty and has very knowing and loving eyes.

[Kurt Braunohler]

You do?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Well, you should just tell her.

[Adam Carolla]

You think I should just come out and say something to her.

[Kurt Braunohler]

She would want to know. I would want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. I should.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna do it.

[Kurt Braunohler]

How about now?

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. I will. Samantha, come here. Hold on, Jane. You can lick my balls if we get no. 3 way. Okay. Yeah. They used to do that scene in every movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And she's always poor.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like, you know when you really like someone but you're scared to. I would just come out and tell them. I think people would want. Maybe they feel the same way.

[Giovanni]

That's how they really feel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's poor and she's better looking than the friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Always. But her glasses are a little weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, fellas and ladies, you should know that fellas can do the math on glasses. Like, when we see, like, you know, Cindy Crawford wearing glasses, she gets hotter. It's not like, whoa, look at that pig with the horn rims on. We can do the math. It's the same math. I sort of would argue it's basically Superman with the glasses. Like, oh, no one recognizes Clark Kenn. He's wearing glasses.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's also something. There's an upside to the fact that her vision's not that good. It gives you a little bit of a lens leg up. And that there's something that she's got to be insecure about.

[Adam Carolla]

I have not been asked. No, I never get asked. I was telling somebody today at lunch how the man show got started, which is I did an interview in a magazine where the guys. The man show was just an idea that Jimmy and I were kicking around. We had no. No traction at all. And the guy kept saying that his editor wanted more. And, like, it was one of those, I'm a big fan. I want to do a feature on you, but my editor doesn't think there's enough. I said, well, I'm doing Loveline, you know? And he's like, what else? And he kept saying, like, what else? What else? What else? And eventually I just said, well, we got this show called the man show, but it didn't exist. I still game this, like, oh, yeah, that's coming down the pike. And they printed it in the magazine. And then somebody, some muckety muck at ABC's assistant read the magazine and thought that the man show was viable and was like, going, it was a good idea. And oh, shit, I'll think of the guy's name in a second. But either way, way read it. Next thing you know, we're pitching it to abc.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So your lie both got you a show and got you into the magazine. Mm, smart.

[Giovanni]

Hold on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm hosting the Price is right.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Now listen up, everybody. There you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going to actualize.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael Davies was the guy who did that. Remember Michael Davies, Huge producer, I think. Michael Davies, by the way, really cool guy. I think he's doing soccer analysis now.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll see if we can. We'll see if we can work it out. But anyway, his super cute assistant was the one who read the magazine, I think, and then brought it to his attention. The next thing you know, we were pitching it away to abc, and ABC didn't pick it up. They picked up Cupid with Jeremy Piven. They always make the right decisions, don't they?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Still on in syndication or not.

[Adam Carolla]

It never ends. No, I don't get. I don't. He is doing soccer analysis, right, Michael? Yeah. And he's produced a whole bunch of shows and really, really nice guy Anyway, Lifelock Ultimate. Nobody can stop identity theft. They never stop, man. They just keep moving. They're like the aforementioned shark. They never stop swimming for Alison. What do you know?

[Kurt Braunohler]

In the second largest breach for a retailer on record, Home Depot has announced that 56 million debit and credit cards are estimated to have been breached in a data theft at stores.

[Adam Carolla]

Holy cow. Everybody, you need Lifelock Ultimate. I have LifeLock Ultimate. Plus my kids have Lifelock because they're born and they have a Social Security number. They can take it from you. Take it from you after you die. This is again, you're not going to get your car stereo ripped off or your hubcaps ripped off anymore. Grandpa's crime. But the cyber crime, somebody's gonna fall victim to this in your family. You need it. It's just the cost of doing business. It protects your identity. Why risk it? Do what I did. Sleep easier knowing LifeLock is on it. Dawson, visit LifeLock.com and enter promo code Adam to save 10% on your LifeLock Ultimate plus membership. That's promo code [e-mail] to get our special 10 discount. LifeLock.com network does not cover all transactions. All right, Shell, let's see one more. One more call. So, yeah, no one asked me to do anything with magazines. That's Evan. I just wish you weren't a liar.

[Kurt Braunohler]

This can't be real.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish you weren't a liar. Used to happen on Loveline all the time. But we would have people on hold. People would hold on a second on Loveline. Loveline was on at 10 o'clock at night on the east coast or wherever, you know, it was God knows when. Some shows ran it a day late, but some places it was getting into the wee hours and we would have a ticker on our phone bank that said how long people have been on hold. People would call Loveline up before Loveline won on the air, as Paul Bryan will attest to. I would get to the end of the two hours and look down and see that someone's been on hold for 128 minutes. And I would be at the end of the show that they literally would just be on hold. They would never drop off. And I don't know if you guys know, but Dr. Drew can be a little windy sometimes. And he comes in with some of his own personal stories.

[Giovanni]

That's the common Knock on Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Whereas Adam's like, man, a few words straight to the call.

[Giovanni]

Let's get through as many as we can.

[Adam Carolla]

Remedy Soul of wit. So people be on hold for two fucking hours. And we would talk to a lot of people that were asleep because it'd be 1am and they'd have the phone tucked into their cheek and they're 14 and they're living in Minnesota and they'd be on fucking hold for two hours and they would, would be asleep.

[Giovanni]

True. Now, I don't know that that was also midnight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not if that's the focus group of your listeners. These are the ones that are actually actively calling in.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As opposed to the ones that are just listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. I just put him on the air without saying I'm putting him on the air so he's not snoring now. All right, so it's bogus, Evan. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yo, there he is.

[Adam Carolla]

You there? Yeah. What are you doing, Evan? Bob. And diligently running this red light apartment complex. It gets me out. It's a left turn signal. Left turn signal. You drive through. Good for you. I know it's changed my life, but recently I've been getting a letter from the city that says, dear resident, we noticed you've been running this red light. Here's a ticket for 85 bucks. Please send a check. And it's a picture of me in my car running the light. So just a heads up that they're returning fire. They're. They're putting signal. They're putting cameras up on the red. Red turn arrows, apparently. So. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My understanding is you do not need to pay those.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, in la, those are unenforceable.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are uniform.

[Giovanni]

You check your local municipalities?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my, my quiet theory about LA is almost everything is unenforceable. Like, I just see all the guys selling the ghetto dogs outside the Staples center and there's like, there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I have the theory that if you ever, by the way, try to do anything with the city, months and months and months, everything. Look, you call 911, they don't have a cop available to come to your house. I just think that if anyone who gets a ticket for anything of any kind, if you just don't pay it, there's just really nothing they can do. They just, they just can't. I feel like LA has sort of lost control of its city. There's not much they can do. They can't throw.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know a lot of people that just throw out their jury duty summons and nothing happens. You just.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Is that true?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what I hear from people that do it you don't get thrown in.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Jail in six years out of nowhere or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, if you do, nobody's gonna show up to the jury to try you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It's a good point. Very good point. Diabolical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got a picture sent to me once of running a red light, and the greatest thing is, look on my face. I looked like I had just won a race. It was just pure joy. His pussy's back there at the light. I'm the winner.

[Adam Carolla]

I am absolutely convinced I will be picking my nose if I ever get that picture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you know what happened not to cut you off. A guy. I imagine it happened more than once, is a guy was with another woman and the picture was sent to his house with his mistress and the wife, and that was an impingement on their civil liberties.

[Adam Carolla]

I had it happen where you couldn't see anybody in the car with me, and my wife was like, oh, so your mistress was blowing you? Okay, hotshot. This is much worse than her just sitting in the car.

[Giovanni]

It's a real indictment.

[Adam Carolla]

And I probably took the wrong angle by screaming, how did you know about Sheila when I should have just said I was alone in the car? That's on you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Right.

[Giovanni]

It's a lot better ways to handle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I really couldn't. You couldn't see anybody, so, I don't know, I panicked and shouted out the wrong name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Especially Sheila. I don't think I've ever met a woman named Sheila.

[Adam Carolla]

It's super. Specifically, shouldn't have done it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because the nanny is.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Named Sheila.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I should have just said, are you kidding? I was driving alone, like I always do.

[Giovanni]

Like I do when I'm not with.

[Adam Carolla]

You or Sheila or. Oh, no, no. Again, you're right. Stupid.

[Giovanni]

No need to even put Sheila out of your mind when discussing.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have said, sheila was definitely not in the car.

[Giovanni]

Again, I don't think you need to.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Go anywhere near the name.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she wasn't in the picture, so how do I explain it?

[Giovanni]

Infallible logic.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Here's what's left of your brain.

[Giovanni]

Sorry, but.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had this thing with my wife recently where she goes, there was a text from a woman who was a club owner, and she goes, oh, so what's that? Do you get a text from Molly? And I'm like. I'm like, why do you have to assume that that's something? And she goes, I was just kidding. And then I was. And there was nothing to it, except now I made it something.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like chicken with your wife. You can't ever get defensive.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the. I think the. I was thinking about it today. Which is the best. I don't have a code for my phone. Like, I don't have the 4G digit whatever, locked out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't have 1212 like everybody else in America?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, that's my alarm. But no, I don't have it. I don't have that in my phone. And I don't have it because I don't care. I'm done with all the fucking passwords and codes and all that kind of shit. I have an ATM card on the ATM card. On the back of it with a Sharpie is my ATM number, my phone.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Good thing you have lifelock.

[Adam Carolla]

My phone. My phone does have something written on it. It is my Apple password that's written on the case, so I won't forget on my computer. It's written on it. I'm tired of fucking forgetting codes, asking for codes, blah, blah, blah. But I think, oh, I just had this good thought. Young girls, I've told you, keep two diaries, and you keep the one that talks about what's really going on, which is you pulling the train with the rugby team, and then the other one one, which is you felt bad because you got a C in your trig final and you're scared that you don't want to let your father down. And you're scared, you know, blah, blah, blah, the bullshit. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I may stop by the rugby game later.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but don't. Don't get into the sexuality part. Keep that in the other one, but leave the one out that they can find. You know, guys, if you're going to cheat, get two phones and have the one you leave out. Because I think the least cheaty thing you can do is just have your phone out all the time. My phone just sits on the countertop, sits on the charger. There's no password to get into it. It's just out all the time. And it's basically sort of saying to Lynette, if you ever feel like picking this up and looking at it or seeing anybody I've made contact with or has contacted, contacted me, it's out. I'm not even in the house. It's just sitting there. I'll be out by the pool. It'll sit in the kitchen. While you're in the kitchen for two hours, do with it what you will. And I think quietly, but I'm not sure. I think most women, if a guy gets protective about his phone or weird about his phone. So have two phones. Guys who cheat. Have the one that you keep all the, you know, dick pics in and all that kind of stuff. And then have the. Have the bait phone that you casually leave around all the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you. You occasionally have a woman text you and say something like, just wanted to salute you again for your stoicism. When I threw myself at you and you said, I love my wife. I wouldn't even entertain that.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you put little things like. Like your engagement ring is all buffed up and ready to pick up. You know, things like that. Just. Just. Just total stoic bullshit.

[Giovanni]

Okay. I feel like the two phone thing has been employed by athletes for quite some time. But you're saying for normal dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, you're probably right. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I think the tire woods of the world have that one figured out.

[Kurt Braunohler]

How do you not confuse the phones, though? I feel like there'd be a lot of phone confusion. Confusion.

[Adam Carolla]

One is bright orange in the size of a cooler. That's. That's the bait phone. That's the bait phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave that one out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The other one's a pager from the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, tiger. Yeah. If you're Tiger woods, like, you had to have two phones, right?

[Giovanni]

That's pretty semi common for, like, prominent athletes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel like cheating would be just way too big a fucking calorie burner? These.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, are you kidding me? I could never get it up if I was cheating. I couldn't enjoy it because there's no. Like, I talked to this guy yesterday, and I'm like, so what do you. What are you doing? He's like, I'm gonna go down to San Diego. I may crash down there with a buddy, may just get fucked up. And I was just like, I know where I'm gonna be at 5:18pm who's gonna be in the car where I'm going next. Like, the freedom to have an affair. I don't feel it. I. I feel fucking confined and there's no joy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. But what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

All you should be.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is.

[Kurt Braunohler]

And that's what's keeping you faithful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It wouldn't be worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't you feel like you'd constantly just be. Every time your phone rang and your wife was in the car with you and you had to, like, check to see who it was or pretend like, not to pick it up or whatever. Whatever it was like, this is really like a huge calorie burger.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I think for people who are into it, that's part of what they're into, the sneaking around.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kurt Braunohler]

I would think.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's just the fucking part. I'm not sure.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I think it depends.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, because there's a lot of, like. It's an interesting thing, and I'd be curious how it works. I think women ascribe a lot of things, like rape. That's an act of power. It's not an act of sex. And this is a thing. There's an allure to. Blah, blah, blah. You guys give us too much credit. We like fucking a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the base of pretty much every decision.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's pretty much the base of all the decisions we make. And I wish there was a little more psychologically going on to a lot of this stuff, but a lot of it is most of us wanting to put our dick somewhere.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I would say I don't cheat because I don't. I have such a bad memory. I wouldn't remember the lie. I would fuck up the lies. And my wife, beautiful woman, very in love with her. And she can know I'll never cheat on her because I have add. If I didn't. If I had a clear mind and I had a higher IQ and a good memory. I'm sorry, sweetie. But the. You know, get away with it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Shall we do a little news with Alison Rosen? The news with Allison Rosen. Sharita, Some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Giovanni]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison, by the way, we are coming to San Antonio. That is this Friday, October 10th. We don't get out to San Antonio that often, so come on out. We're going to be in Charlene McComb's Empire Theater. And that is again the 10th, 8 o'clock. I am going to be signing some Mangria bottles. New Mangria bottles, theoretically, at Specs Wine and Liquor. That'll be same date, 6:00. All right, let's do some news. Allison.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Charlie Sheen is being sued by a dental technician who says that he punched her in the chest during an office visit. So she sued him for assault and battery. Her lawsuit says he attacked her during a dental appointment on September 2025, including punching her in the chest and grabbing her bra. His publicist says that Charlie's Charlie. No.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, imagine being his dental assistant like Charlie. You're gonna have to put the cigarette out before we do the teeth cleaning. No, you can't even have it next to your lit. You have to just completely extinguish it while we do the cleaning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, and he really. He should be handcuffed because he's got two free hands and there's a female. Somebody's gonna get touched.

[Adam Carolla]

They're in there, like, flossing, and a cigarette butt pops out. When they pull the floss out, like. Like stripper wedgies in there too, like glitter, like a Lucite shoe and. Yeah, and some glitter comes out, like.

[Kurt Braunohler]

What'S a few singles?

[Adam Carolla]

I like. You pull the. You pull the floss out as a stripper wedgie. Couple of singles, some coke, bindle of coke, some glitter, and two cigarette butts just tied to it like a fishing string. And you just hold it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You think it's the floss. And it turns out it's a giant pubic hair. Which is strange because he hasn't been with a woman who doesn't shave for a long. So you realize it had been in there for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

It was an impacted pubic hair.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

So his publicist said that he had an adverse reaction to a combination of nitrous oxide and pain medication he was taking for a shoulder injury and that he knocked over dental instruments. But other elements of the story are not true.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, couldn't you see if you were jacked up and you're laid back and you're sort of out of your being and somebody started sort of going at your mouth, just sort of reflexively just sort of throwing your hand out in front of you or something? Well, they. I mean, you know, they do. Do you know they'll restrain you. When I had surgery. When I had surgery on my hand, they chained me down. They strapped me down. They don't want you flopping around while they're working on you while you're out of it, you know? But I don't. I mean, this sounds like Charlie, but it also sounds like him being fucked up. And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's what I love about his lawyer. Here's what. Charlie Sheen's lawyer, publicist. Yes, he did grab her tit. He did punch her, but he was also fucked up on drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the defense.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Shouldn't he not be taking pain medication for a shoulder injury? I mean, as an addict, shouldn't he not be taking anything?

[Adam Carolla]

He probably injured his shoulder doing coke. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You think Charlie's in treatment?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Is he anyone? Is he Sober?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I think he's. I think he's our Keith Richards, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Keith Richards? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's our. I mean, he is the USA's version of Keith Richards. Right? Like. Like, is Keith Richards doing drugs? Is he not doing drugs? Like, at a certain point, if he stopped doing drugs, wouldn't it hurt him? Like, if Keith Richards stopped smoking and stopped doing drugs, he'd die in four days.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You realize he's mostly ash at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he's mostly syringe and ash at this point. Like, what I'm saying, like, isn't he kind of just Keith Richards in that he does this?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Actually, during all that tiger blood and winning and all that? I think he wasn't sober, so I don't know why I think he's sober. Or maybe he was claiming he was.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't know if he's sober or not, but I have no idea. But she wants some money. Because I figure, like, that is. If I was his lawyer, I would just explain it to him. Like, listen, Charlie, if you're having difficulty with this process, you grabbed a booby and you pay. That's what you're used to. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why is this in the news?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is this any different than anything else you do? You pay for grabbing boobies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But here's the other thing, too. And I'm fine with her doing whatever she wants, but obviously, if this guy's not a celebrity, she's not suing, because there's no. Everything's just based on who has the deepest pockets. Right, Right.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Right. That's interesting, though. I wonder, did he grope her? She says that he punched her in the chest and grabbed her bra. Two very different movements.

[Adam Carolla]

And now she's gonna do this thing where she goes. Goes. I make my living as a dental hygienist, and I'm now frightened to do it. But you really should only be frightened when Charlie Sheen comes in. Right?

[Kurt Braunohler]

Yeah. Well, that. First of all, I wonder, how frequently does this happen? But secondly, if you, like, assault someone while you're under drugs during a medical procedure, whose fault is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why is she alone in the room with Charlie Sheen? Is my question point. Yeah, I mean, that. That. That should be supervised in any situation. Massage. If he gets a massage, there should be two security guards in the room.

[Adam Carolla]

He. He needs a handler. Like they have when they make movies with lions and kids where, like, just off camera, there's always some guy with huge calves standing there going, kinta. No. You know, What? I mean, just prepared to fucking jump in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got a shock collar.

[Giovanni]

Usually they're watching out for the animal's well being, but in this case they'd be watching out for everyone else's well, well being.

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm. Oh, so the dentist was in the room at the same time and saying that this didn't happen and the tech was just all right, by the way, could you. The dental hygienist, because I just got my teeth clean. Is there a worse gig? I mean, could you guys imagine? I know there seem to be a lot of them.

[Giovanni]

It's horrible. What's bad about it?

[Adam Carolla]

The dental hygienist, It's a bad gig.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah, a lot of people have bad breath and you are in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Belly of the beast and you're seeing, you know, not all of it is.

[Giovanni]

Sorry, I know, I know your history of digging ditches. That's why I'm like on the grand scheme of things.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think, well, no, this is a better gig. I mean, you get paid better and stuff like that, but just kind of.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I think it'd be super unpleasant.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody's worst day is the day they're going in to see you and scraping and you're leading a lot of leading questions. And it's like the average age at the dentist office is like 63 in four months. You know, it's like not a bunch of spikes, good looking teenagers running around there. It's like none of this old folk that are having problems.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And if you're, even if you're a foot doctor, the foot, it can only be so bad. But your mouth, you eat with it, you smoke with it, you spit, you fucking chew tobacco, you eat people out.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you may lick balls if you're a three.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you're a three. Can you imagine being a dental hygienist for a three?

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be great. That'll be my only. I only want to be a hygienist for one reason. Where I go, let me guess what you ate for lunch. And they go, all right, go ahead. Balls every chick. You mean like cheese balls?

[Giovanni]

Balls like cheese balls. You think, you think I ate a sack of cheese balls for a long time?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Scrotum sack.

[Giovanni]

You think I ate animal scrotum sac.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't mean devour, but teabagging, obviously you think I'm sort of weird.

[Giovanni]

Religious guy who's eating your animals.

[Adam Carolla]

Smells like a dude scratch sack.

[Giovanni]

Human dude. You see where this is going?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Be awesome, right?

[Kurt Braunohler]

It'd be such A good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Day on the job, you probably wouldn't make it to lunch, but either way, it'd be fun. It'd be great.

[Kurt Braunohler]

All right, I'm with you. Though I can't see the appeal. I just. To spend all that time messing around with plaque and tartar, other people's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't even like to floss my own teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, me neither. All right, well, he'll land on his feet, that's all.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I imagine you've heard about this. Netflix signed Adam Sandler to a four film deal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Kurt Braunohler]

He'll star in and produce each feature, all of which will premiere exclusively on Netflix.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to figure out what the budget of those. Well, there's a couple things. He kind of does whatever he wants to do. You've been to his office before?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So literally, I think it was on the Sony lot. It's a big two story place with the thing that's bizarre about the place is there's huge posters of, you know, Paul Blart, Mall Cop and Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo. And you want to walk in and go, I know you guys are putting these up like it's the highest and a Peabody, but you do know these are pieces of shit, right? Like, artistically, like, yes, it made a lot of money, but guys who sell cocaine make a lot of money too, but they don't brag about it quite so much. Like, you understand you cashed in. But this is. And I remember I was talking to Jack Girputo or something and he was explaining to me like he was going like, well, you know, Blart. You know, Blart's doing this and Blart's doing that. He was also explaining to me how he was basically responsible for the two highest grossing sports movies of all times. Which was one was Rudy. No, they were both. They were the Longest Yard remake, which everyone agreed universally sucked. And then there was. Oh, shit. The one where he played the retarded linebacker.

[Giovanni]

Oh, the waterboy.

[Adam Carolla]

The waterboy. Which blew as well.

[Giovanni]

And I thought he was developmentally disabled.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are we bragging about this junk that we've created? But either way, is he going to create the same stuff or is he gonna do something that's a little more interesting?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It seems like he has made a career of sort of like aiming a little light low, age wise. Like, I think teenage boys are pretty much his. You know, that's the wheelhouse. And the genius of that is those guys get older and they actually kind of stay loyal to him. So he's the guy that's always at like the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, like grabbing those young boys, so to speak. And that's who you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've always said. And by the way, the other thing you have to realize when you make. Take the Wiffle ball bat and the nuts humor, this is international distribution. So his last movie blended, did like 40 million here, which, okay, not too good for an Adam Sandler movie, but did like 120 million internationally. And the heady conversational stuff doesn't work as well internationally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think his movies are expensive to make either.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll give you this unsatisfying answer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're not free on Netflix.

[Adam Carolla]

They are. So. Yeah, it'll be interesting. It'll be interesting. What the deal is. Did Netflix come up with a whole bunch of cash or is he just going to be a profit participant and then are they going to be big budget movies? Are they going to be the same kind of movies? He's a smart guy. He's a funny guy. It'd be interesting to see him do more interesting. Interesting work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, Chelsea Handler is going to Netflix also.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. She's gonna do. I think it's gonna be a daily show, right? Regular talk show.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I know it's a talk show. Yeah, I think it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You just look at the Emmy Awards with that and you know, guest shows like Alpha House on, on Amazon prime and they're, they're, they're killing. They're making way more than anyone thought they would, so.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Or Transparent. Have you guys seen that on Amazon?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's good.

[Kurt Braunohler]

With Jeffrey Tambor.

[Adam Carolla]

I just beat off. I mean, I just checked that out. What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You said beat off.

[Adam Carolla]

I said checked out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, originally. Can you, can we play it back real quick?

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna say. Well, no, I was saying you can't beat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Carolla]

The Office, the TV show. The Office, if you like, you know, witty dialogue. But Jeffrey Tambourine, that guy shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Her show's awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's fantastic. Not that sexy.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I mean. Yeah. No, no, no. Why would anyone ever ma. I mean, what's the next story? Wow. Yeah, it's interesting.

[Kurt Braunohler]

The Coast Guard was called in because an ultra marathoner trying to run from Florida to Bermuda in a human powered inflatable bubble had to be rescued after he signaled for help. He was in a hydropod bubble. So it's like basically a gigantic plastic hamster wheel. He was going to run in it, and his name is Reza Bellucci. And he has a goal of running across more than 190 nations to encourage world peace. And so the Coast Guard first encountered him Wednesday after receiving a report about a man in a bubble off the coast of Miami.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that John Travolta film.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Disoriented and asking for directions to Bermuda. And inside this pod, he had protein bars, bottled water, GPS and a satellite phone. And the Coast Guard conveyed the dangers and asked him to quit his journey because he didn't have enough supplies. But he didn't. But then finally he did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He had the water set up in one of those gerbil bottles.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? Salt here should be the deal because, you know, it's got to cost the taxpayers 50 grand every time they fire up one of those choppers and fly it out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, they set a boat? A chopper and a plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they did? Yeah. Okay, here's my deal, then. There's 100 grand out the fucking window. If in the Coast Guard or any other guard gets hold of you and says, hey, we don't think this is a smart idea. And you go, I'm staying the course. You get a fucking sticker, a big orange sticker that can be seen from a long distance away that basically says, do not resuscitate. And then when you're fucking being eaten by the orca or you're blown over toward Cuba and are gonna be attacked by farmers, that's fucking on you. Because we contacted you once, gave you a chance to get out of the habit trail. You said, no, thank you. And now the rest is up to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. If we tell you the hurricane's coming in and you go, well, I grew up here. I live here.

[Adam Carolla]

These are where my roots are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where am I gonna go?

[Adam Carolla]

I got nowhere to go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Orange sticker.

[Adam Carolla]

The orange sticker. Good. We don't have to come back for you then. Yeah, we just give the orange sticker forever. Whatever. The flood, the hurricane, Tsunami doesn't know something about skiing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fresh powder, man. Yeah, nothing like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Orange sticker. We told you to stay off that side of the mountain. You get the orange sticker. We don't even have to go look for you. We'll wait for the thaw. Your body will roll down the hill if it's not eaten by wolves. Everyone wants to do something stupid once you get that orange sticker. This is one of these things. We are so done with life. I've said this many times. We're so. Everything's air conditioned. Everything's filtered. We have so much food that all we have to. We really concentrate on. We spend more time. We have to be the first generation that spends more time worrying about what not to eat than what to eat. Powerful thought. I'm saying everyone else who came before us in history is like, where are we going to eat? How are we going to eat? Where's the food? Oh, shit, the winter's coming. We haven't put up enough pemmican. You know, what are we going to do? We spend most of our time going, I'd like to have a little dessert with that meal, but okay, I better not. Let's not do that.

[Kurt Braunohler]

My source arrived with the dressing on it last night, and I just didn't eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

They ruined. Yeah, right. That's. We spent a bunch of time going, not going to do this, not going to do that. We're no longer walking 40 miles with a gourd on our head trying to get water that doesn't. Not going to give our kid dysentery. So we have to go extreme with the fucking climb into the hamster. I was wondering where you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You brought that around?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm bringing it around. We're out of challenges, so it's either cut on ourselves or do BASE jumping. Like, that's where all of this is coming from, where fucking everything is. So our cars have 15 airbags in it. So we have to jump into a hamster ball and try to push our way across the Pacific.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which way is Bermuda?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Although of all the things that looks kind of fun for, like, I could do 10 minutes in a giant ball on the ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, though, if I were. If I was skippering like a Japanese whaling ship and I came across the douchebag and the inflatable ball, I'd be like, let's hit him with a quick harpoon. By the way, I don't want to go too pirate on everyone, but A, this guy's going to Davy Jones Locker, B, dead men tell no tales, and C, it's not like we're going to return to port and someone's going to go, you didn't shoot a guy in a giant inflatable douchebag, did you? And then, no, we got whales.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And if you have a harpoon gun, you want to use that fucking gun. It's sitting there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're hoping for a situation, and all of a sudden a guy in a fucking gerbil wheel. Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

Just imagine you standing there on your boat staring at your harpoon and staring at a guy, the giant inflatable gerbil wheel, and he has a whole bunch of Clif bars in there. And you're like, fuck, man, we haven't seen a whale in two months.

[Kurt Braunohler]

Aim for the orange sticker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, aim for that orange sticker. All right, let's bring it home.

[Kurt Braunohler]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Also, Allison Rosen, your new best friend, Jenny Johnson, this week's guest. New episodes Monday and Thursday, and all available on itunes and allisonrosen.com and then, until next time, Sam Kroll for Greg Fitzsimmons, Allison Rosen, and bald Bryan. Say it. Mahalo.

[Kurt Braunohler]

I'm gonna murder my lips with my fingers.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is adam Cole show 1425 with the great Bits Dog. Until tomorrow, that does for today's Crow Classics Hollow and get it.