Kyle Dunnigan Proves He’s the King of Impressions

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: "Kyle Dunnigan Proves He’s the King of Impressions"

Air Date: September 17, 2025
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: Kyle Dunnigan (remote), Rudy Pavich (in studio)

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Episode Overview

This episode brings a hilarious blend of social commentary, personal stories from difficult upbringings, and sharp comedic impressions. Adam welcomes comedian and impressionist Kyle Dunnigan (remotely), with stand-up Rudy Pavich joining in-studio. While touching on issues ranging from LA’s crumbling infrastructure and municipal politics to generational changes, the show is anchored by Carolla’s classic rants and Dunnigan’s impressive array of vocal impersonations, riffing on cultural, political, and personal topics with signature irreverence. The episode is also laced with moments of real vulnerability as Carolla and Dunnigan reflect on their upbringings and family dynamics.

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1. LA Infrastructure & Political Rants

[03:33 – 17:27]

Key Points:

• Adam opens with a rant about the ongoing issues plaguing the 6th Street Bridge in LA, namely copper wiring thefts, graffiti, and lack of lighting.
• He criticizes the city’s approach: fortifying infrastructure instead of addressing root causes like family breakdown, crime, and lack of law enforcement.
• Carolla lambasts city officials ("dumb shits") for their "cage everything" approach, referencing politicians Nithya Raman and Kevin De León.
• Kyle Dunnigan kicks off his Trump impression, riffing on electrifying copper to deter thieves.

Notable Quotes:

• "We live in a place where they have to lock up toothpaste and batteries in cages at the CVS." — Adam [06:27]
• "[About catalytic converters] Her plan is Toyota needs to do a better job of welding in their catalytic converter and possibly put a cage around it." — Adam [07:20]
• "It's pure cash." — Kyle as Trump, on copper theft [05:47]

Tone: Satirical, angry, densely comedic.

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2. Social Satire & Impressions: Trump and Bill Maher Drop-ins

[19:08 – 32:46]

Key Points:

• Dunnigan launches several extended impersonations, notably Donald Trump and Bill Maher, leading to riffs on gender, pantsuits, and pop-culture fetishes.
• The guys riff about unfashionable choices (pantsuits), break down old "codes" for reading sexuality, and mock the lack of clarity from politicians.
• Transition to Bill Maher discussions: Dunnigan (as Maher) and Adam trade barbs about booking comedians, comedy club circuits, and celebrity meet-and-greets.

Memorable Moments:

• “There’s every kind of fetish except lady in a pantsuit.” — Kyle as Trump [18:24]
• "I go straight down the middle.” — Kyle as Trump, in response to “do you dress left or right?” in suit measurement [20:32]
• Adam and Kyle’s faux-competitive exchange about comedy gigs and venues, blending satire and real self-deprecation [27:12 – 31:54]

Tone: High-energy, rapid-fire, alternating between in-character riffs and meta-comedy.

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3. Generational Changes, Nostalgia, and Family Upbringing

[31:54 – 69:48]

Key Points:

• Adam reminisces about growing up poor: “caulking huts” in North Hollywood, washing machines in bedrooms, thrift-store dishware (including a urine sample cup!), and the challenges of day-to-day life without basic amenities.
• Rudy and Adam swap stories about drying laundry out car windows and the time-consuming realities of poverty.
• Kyle shares a more nuanced middle-class experience, shaped by being around wealthier peers and ultimately his own family’s financial struggles.
• Dunnigan shares a touching story about his late father, a lawyer, leaving heartfelt letters to his children before passing from a brain tumor—calling back to winning an Emmy and feeling a symbolic connection.

Notable Quotes:

• "...my mom got a lot of mileage out of, 'I know I wasn’t a good mom, but there was great love.'" — Adam [75:00]
• "That was cup. So my sister drank out of a used urine glass. That's amazing." — Adam [90:02]
• "I told my dad there was a breakdancing fight at the country club, and he drove me down there to have a breakdancing fight." — Kyle [68:22]
• “By heavens, you’re going to do it.” — Kyle, quoting his dad’s last words of encouragement in his letter [71:51]

Tone: Candid, vulnerable, leavened with humor.

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4. Comedy Bits: Breakdancing, High School Musicals, and More

[69:48 – 85:19]

Key Points:

• The group pokes fun at suburban high schools staging “The Wiz” with all-white casts.
• Adam challenges Kyle to compare his breakdancing skills with Vin Diesel’s early dance videos (“I would beat the hell out of this”), with the group watching and commenting live.
• Observations on changes in status symbols: from wall-mounted microwaves/TVs to the evolving meaning of "making it".

Memorable Moments:

• “Home of the whitey... We did The Wiz, my high school, which is a black musical. And it was all whites over one black girl.” — Kyle [81:52]
• “Vin Diesel sucks.” — Adam [84:59]

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5. Cultural Commentary: Money, Nepo Babies, and Social Media

[95:41 – 103:28]

Key Points:

• Discussion about shifting standards: a “millionaire” no longer holds the same prestige; billionaires and mega-lawsuits are the new norm.
• Reflections on celebrity impersonations in documentary work (Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Bill Cosby).
• Satirical comments about “Nepo baby” Hannah Einbinder and virtue signaling at award shows: how easy/empty it is to yell “Fuck ICE” or “Free Palestine” without proposing policy solutions.

Memorable Quotes:

• "If you yelled out, 'I'm pro MAGA,' and... 'we need more border,' you'd never work again in this town." — Adam [103:15]

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6. Gender, Athletics, and Mocking Congress

[105:08 – 111:21]

Key Points:

• Adam and guests react to a viral clip of Senator Mazie Hirono questioning whether female FBI candidates should have to do pull-ups.
• Discussion satirizes the cognitive dissonance among certain politicians—gender standards, equality, and biological realities.

Notable Quotes:

• “If you lock eyes with Mazie Hirono, you will lose five IQ points for every 10 seconds you engage her." — Adam [110:03]

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7. News & Current Events (Comedy-Filtered)

[111:21 – End]

Highlights:

• Group laughs at a viral story of a man getting beaten up in a theater for urinating during an anime film.
• Spirited debate over whether being spat on or peed on is worse—with Adam’s personal anecdotes of being peed on 78 times (“not thousands, but over/under—78”).
• Satirical reflection on extreme fandoms (anime, furries, etc.).

Notable Quotes:

• "I think I want urine on both. I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I think I want to be peed on." — Kyle [115:20]
• "He grandfathered his piss in. The funny thing is, my reaction was like, you make a point. You do make a point." — Adam on being peed on by his friend at a high school reunion [119:43]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Topic | Start-End | | --- | --- | --- | | 1 | LA Bridge Rant & Copper Theft, Political Satire | 03:33 – 17:27 | | 2 | Trump Impressions & Gender Satire | 18:12 – 22:18 | | 3 | Bill Maher Impressions, Comedy Club Barbs | 22:18 – 32:46 | | 4 | Poor Childhoods, Thrift Store Anecdotes | 31:54 – 62:25 | | 5 | Comparisons: Caulking, Used Urine Glass, Laundromat Stories | 62:25 – 69:48 | | 6 | Kyle’s Father’s Passing & Letters | 69:48 – 73:15 | | 7 | Discussion about The Wiz, High School Plays | 81:52 – 82:36 | | 8 | News: Trump’s NYT Lawsuit, “Fuck ICE” at the Emmys | 95:41 – 103:08 | | 9 | FBI Pull-Ups, Gender Commentary | 105:42 – 110:31 | | 10 | Viral Theatre Fight, Anime, Spit vs. Pee | 111:21 – 119:43 |

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode is classic Adam Carolla—raw, candid, and thoroughly comedic. Dunnigan’s impressions add rich comedic variety, lampooning figures from Trump to Bill Maher with sharp mimicry and improvisation. There’s a consistent thread of cultural critique throughout, often biting but always laced with both self-deprecation and genuine marvel at the absurdities of modern society. Amidst the laughs, Adam and Kyle open up about their families, offering moments of sincerity amidst the irreverence.

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Quick-Glance Memorable Quotes

• "We live in a place where they have to lock up toothpaste and batteries in cages at the CVS." — Adam [06:27]
• "There's every kind of fetish except lady in a pantsuit." — Kyle as Trump [18:24]
• "By heavens, you're going to do it." — Kyle, quoting his dad [71:51]
• “He grandfathered his piss in.” — Adam [119:41]

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For the Full Experience:
This summary only scratches the surface of the improvisational and rapid-fire exchanges between Adam, Kyle, and Rudy. The episode is recommended listening for fans of unfiltered stand-up, social satire, and virtuoso impressions. If you loved the interplay of gripes about LA, inside-comedy ballbusting, and old school vs. new school rants, this one is essential.

Transcript

[A]

Well in this episode, Kyle Dunnigan is back. Rudy Pavich is back. Lots of comedy in this episode. We'll do all that right after this. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline continues to be your number one source for all your football betting action. Betonline has more ways to get in and stay in on action with the latest odds, news and scores. Even live in game betting. From every NFL and college game to mlb, UFC and NHL futures as well, Betonline remains your choice. For sports wagering info. Head to the website today and take advantage of their industry leading VIP program with level up bonuses and weekly cash boost in between games. Head over to Betonline's casino with all the top Vegas style games including poker and and live casino bet online. The game starts here. This September, CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto tv.

[B]

I'm coming in hot.

[A]

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[C]

You too, my brother. I'm trying to find you on my zoom so I could see your face and I'm failing.

[A]

You're not missing much. I. I wanted to think about this. And I was talking to Dr. Drew on the ride in, as I'm apt to do, and I saw a clip. And I'll tie it all together, which is. I saw a clip with some representative De Leon, and he was explaining that the 6th Street Bridge is not really usable because there's no lights in it because the copper wiring gets stolen and sold. And so we don't. The bridge is covered with graffiti. They do street takeovers there and there's no lighting, so people don't wanna walk on it at night. Now, what we were promised was this utopian modern sculpture that people would enjoy walking on with their families with the ice cream vendors and everything else, but we got none of that. But I was watching the clip. It was a news clip of them going, here's what happened to the bridge. As I was watching it, the representative De Leon was explaining that they weren't going to put the wire back in the lights because it would get stolen as fast as they put it in. And so they couldn't do it until they'd fortified it in such a way. Sort of like, you know what a vending machine looks like in prison? That.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Except for everywhere. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's in a fucking shark cage. Right. Because a prison is a place filled with criminals. And so they can't just have the honor system with the Pepsi machine. Okay, but then I'll just show this to you and then I'll go on an epic rant and then maybe I'll ask Trump if we shouldn't just send in more troops to LA. But we'll play this clip. LA landmark still in the dark. Almost six months after thieves stole nearly seven miles worth of copper wiring that illuminated the 6th Street Bridge. In fact, they're waiting for us to repair them. They wait, want us to repair them. Because every light post to them is an ATM machine.

[C]

It's pure cash.

[A]

So when we go and repair, what do they do? They go and they steal again. Council member Kevin De Leon helped create a task force to crack down on the copper wire thefts plaguing the city. More than 6,000 incidents were reported citywide last year, repairs exceeding $17 million. The task force also working on ways to prevent a costly repeat of the.

[B]

Crime along the famous bridge since repairs.

[A]

There are expected to top $2 million, we need to come up with creative ways to reinforce the metals, the cement that protect and safeguard the light. Pause it there. Okay. Or we could have a family unit that didn't turn out a bunch of fucking gang bangers who steal shit from life. Or we could reinforce it just like I was yelling at Dr. Drew. We live in a place where they have to lock up toothpaste and batteries in cages at the cvs. We don't have enough barbed wire and protective fencing to put around all of society. All of society. My kids are gonna walk around in their own cage. They're just gonna lift it up, walk, and then set it back down again. Because we are at the point where everything, every park bench has to have a sting in the middle of it so people don't bivouac there. Every 20 foot piece of poured in place cement has to have speed bumps on it. So people, we're so lawless that we forgot about the law part and we just went right to the put everything in a cage. Let me see that retarded bitch, Nithya Raman and her plan, because she's a city council person too. Her plan to stop the catalytic converter theft is Toyota needs to do a better job of welding in their catalytic converter and possibly put a cage around it. Toyota should talk to the people at the CVS pharmacy and go, where do you guys get the cages where you keep the shampoo? Cuz we need some for our catalytic converters. We'll just play this clip and then I'll go on a rant and maybe Trump. I guess you gotta think about whether you're willing to say, oh, I know.

[C]

Exactly what to do here. I know exactly what we should do do here. I'll tell you, the copper, it's a great conductor. What we're going to do is we're going to electrify all the copper so these animals, they get electrified. Okay. Then we take the corpses and we block all the stool that's going into the ocean. It's a terrific idea.

[A]

Okay. Wow. Off the top of your head?

[C]

I don't need much time.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Doesn't need much time.

[A]

All right, so I'll show you. We'll revisit the nithyaraman who went to Harvard, by the way. And when I grew up, Harvard was like, oh my God, this guy went to Harvard. Now it turns out, just flocks of retarded Czechs who have the worst ideas in the world. So. Oh, come on, Andrew. I Told you Nithya was coming. And then I said to Drew, I said, listen, I said to Drew, 25 years ago, maybe more, when I saw the first set of razor wire going up around the freeway signs, I said, sound the alarm. Sound the alarm. What's gone wrong with our society? And everyone said, people are tagging this. I said, okay, listen. You understand this is from Escape from New York. Matter of fact, they did escape from la and they forgot the barbed wire around the freeway sign. They didn't get to that detail.

[B]

If they make the barbed wire out of copper, then the thieves could take it down.

[A]

That's why you're you. So I was yelling at everyone, it's gut check time for your society. Like if you. As a dad who's struggling with addiction, there's always that scene in the movie where he's breaking the kid's piggy bank, his five year old's piggy bank, so he could get a hit of crack cocaine. And he like looks up in the mirror and sees himself holding the kid's piggy bank and starts weeping. That's his bottom out moment, right? He see when you are getting razor wire to put around your freeway signs, you don't. The answer isn't where do we get more razor. The answer. What happened? What happened to our city? We've bottomed out. We need to change direction. We gotta fix this. That was 25 years ago. And I say 25. It could have been 30, but I saw it in Hollywood, like day one. Cuz I've hypervigilance. And I got into Loveline that night and I was like, Drew, it's not. We have to ask ourselves, where are we going? What is going on in this city? Now dumb shits like Nithya, Rahman and deleon, they can't fix any problems because their problems is weld a cage around everything and that'll fix everything. All right, let's listen to Nithya Raman explain who's responsible for stealing catalytic converters.

[C]

Instead of responding to it with work, with urgency, with focus on actually addressing the issue, we say, oh, we'll just ban it. We'll just ban it and that'll be.

[A]

The end of it.

[C]

Instead of actually thinking about what is going to address this issue in a very real way.

[B]

All right, in this case, I think.

[A]

One of the things that really infuriates.

[C]

Me is that we have a company.

[A]

You know, the Pri, whatever Toyota, who.

[C]

Makes the Prius, that essentially has a device on their cars which is super easy to remove. It's Basically, the value of a MacBook, right? That is put in a place that is incredibly easy to access in your car.

[A]

All right, this chick is a dumb shit. There's a thermos welded underneath your car. I just. She's a dumb shit. And by the way, I like when she starts with, we got to really focus on the cause of the. Yeah, it's a bunch of fucking kids without dads, you fucking idiots. And a bunch of illegals who are in gangs. That's the cause. That Toyota's not the cause. Something I noticed for the first time hearing this. Who doesn't know that Toyota makes the Prius? Everybody. That's how dumb that's right there. You're an idiot. She had to check her papers for that. So it's as easy to steal as a MacBook.

[B]

I'm gonna say, why don't they just weld the MacBook in place of the catalytic confinement.

[A]

Everyone I know has got their MacBook and backpack stolen, who's went to San Francisco. So. All right, all right. So I don't know. Roll back 10 seconds or I'll just.

[C]

Hear out a device on their cars which is super easy to remove. It's basically the value of a MacBook, right? That is put in a place that is incredibly easy to access.

[A]

Hold on. So easy that if I gave this bitch an acetylene cutting torch in two days and a hacksaw, she couldn't fucking get it out. That easy. It's that easy, everybody. That easy that this dumb shit from Harvard couldn't get this fucking piece out of a car. If I give her two weeks, a floor jack and a reciprocating saw and an acetylene cutting rig, she could not do it. Okay? But it's that easy. You just gotta cut through some welding. You know how it is. You know, you say to your old lady, yeah, go upstairs and fetch me a Q tip. And she goes, it's not that easy. Not that easy. You just take a Hacksaw and some WD40 and you just cut. Do a cage, and then you give me an IQ tip.

[B]

Yeah, go underneath the sink, grab your skin.

[A]

You got to get under. You got to stay. You got to. You got a mechanic creeper, right, babe?

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

All right. You got a floor jack like they use in nascar? Yeah, yeah, good. Just jack it up, slide under. You probably put. Put a flashlight in your mouth. We're not doing this at noon.

[B]

Yeah, do I need a 2 ton or do I need a 3 ton?

[A]

Like, how big are we talking Listen, 3 ton will obviously hold 3 ton, but it's heavier and you got to get it out there. So go with the two ton.

[B]

Two ton? Yeah.

[A]

And maybe a jack stand.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I got a couple of those, sure.

[A]

Yeah. Easy. So easy to steal, by the way. Who cares how easy something is to steal? Evidently, the copper wire's fairly easy to steal. Evidently everything's pretty easy to steal, bitch.

[B]

Yeah. By this logic, that means that the city is to blame because they're the ones who installed the copper wire.

[A]

They made it too easy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The other thing, too, if there was consequences, if there were consequences for stealing this, then people might not steal it. Well, she's not in the consequence business. She's in the blame the corporation business. Right. I mean, back to the copper wire, though. You don't necessarily have to put cages over it. You have to throw people in jail. Well, that would help. But then a lot of our, like, illegal gang bangers and we're not down with ice. All right, we'll hear her out. Sorry.

[B]

Related to this issue, have essentially all.

[C]

Of the costs of that are given.

[B]

To us to bear instead of them.

[C]

Having to manufacture a car that actually is not so easy to be stolen.

[A]

I don't know what she's saying. You need to manufacture car that's not so easy to be stolen. Toyota. Yeah. Hey, Toyota, you should get your shit together. Yeah, I'm LA City Council. I have thousands of people dying in the fucking street. Filth everywhere. And no fucking copper in the signs, no copper in the lights, and a barbed wire around in a failing school system. But hey, Honda, Toyota, Nissan, you better get your act together. You who. You who create thousands of jobs that have incredible technology. You. Yeah, you should do this. We have homeless people stabbing people with machetes in front of my fucking house. But Toyota, you get your shit together. Pro.

[B]

Toyota, you are in the dark. Not as dark as the bridge that we have here in Los Angeles, but still in the dark.

[A]

You know, Toyota, because you make it so easy for people to be stealing your stuff as stuff with things. She's got a. You know, this car's a Pri. A Prius, which is made by Tounda. Oh, Toyota. And with stuff that's so easy to steal because it's so easy for, like, people to stuff for stuff. You have to have a cordless Sawzall, you know, you can't plug. I don't have one of those. Mine plugs in. Like, you got to put some effort into getting that. Yeah. To be fair, Sawzall's a brand name, right? It's a reciprocating. Sorry, that's all. But we get what you're saying. Listen, I just want to have some clarity out there. And we get sued by DeWalt. Right. You understand? All right. All right. So we'll lock all the toothpaste and the batteries in a cage. We'll put razor wire around every sign. And we cannot have lights because the copper's being stolen. And Toyota, we're gonna have to put a cage around those catalytic converters. Or we could start creating and crafting a society where none of that happened. Cause the last I checked, there's many societies that don't have to put iron grates in front of their streetlights. For. As a matter of fact, I think we're the only society that does this.

[B]

I was in El Paso this weekend and I didn't know half that city is in Mexico. I don't know if you've ever been there before. Half the city is in Mexico. And outside of my hotel, they're doing construction. And they laid the giant steel. I don't know if it's steel or aluminum. Like the giant, I guess, pipes that they use for the sewer system. They laid them out on Thursday. When I got there, I was watching these guys with the cherry picker take them off and set them down. I went to bed that night. I woke up the next morning and every single one of those pipes graffiti all over him. It was less than like 17 hours since they had put him on.

[A]

How low does your self esteem have to be to put them on sewer pipes?

[B]

Sewer pipes.

[A]

So listen, Trump, we ascend in the National Guard, for Christ's sake, so we can get some street lights going here. Yeah, we're working.

[C]

We're going through the country right now. We're going east to west, so we're getting over there last. Unfortunately, I don't like that lady. Lady in the pantsuit, though. I feel like that's appropriating.

[A]

Yeah. You don't like the pantsuit? No.

[C]

There's every kind of fetish except lady in a pantsuit.

[A]

Oh, you're right.

[C]

Every kind of fetish.

[A]

Every fetish.

[C]

You just Google anything. Except if you Google lady in a pantsuit, there's no website, nothing.

[A]

I don't know. You're an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. Maybe I should start something up.

[C]

I don't think we'll have much takers. That's the problem.

[A]

Yes, you're right. Right. The boobs look very weird. Yeah. Yeah. It's a Real Hillary Clinton kind of look. Right. Very hippie.

[C]

That's the problem. The hips, they go straight out. The hips go straight out. The boobs look weird.

[A]

Yeah. Not flattering. Not flattering at all. Now, sundress. Now that's a website.

[C]

Anything you're going to look up is nice. If you could look up it. Trump likes it.

[A]

Oh, I see. You can't look up a pantsuit.

[C]

You just see that. You see. You know, it looks all just clumped together down there. Not so nice.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, I was thinking a little more about policy, you know, like, you know what we could do. You know how I thought about that?

[C]

Haven't really thought about that. But. But about the. More about the pantsuit. More about the pants.

[A]

It is.

[C]

It is appropriate, that is, for guys.

[A]

Oh, it's a guy. Yeah. It's got the word suit and pants right in it.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. So you feel like they've appropriated that from the male culture.

[C]

That's exactly right. It's very offensive. I find that very offensive. It hides our junk and our ball sacks and our taint very well.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like the taint's already kind of in hiding. You know what I mean?

[C]

You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised.

[A]

I didn't. You know, I remember talking to Dr. Drew. You know, my whole life, I was a guy who was surprised when I was 34 to hear there was such a thing as an upper sheet, like a top sheet for a bed. I didn't know that existed. Also, I never bought a suit or had a suit tailored, but evidently they ask you if you dress to the right or to the left, which is a weird one for me.

[C]

I go straight down the middle.

[A]

You go down the middle?

[C]

Straight down the middle.

[A]

Just like your drives just split it in half. Yeah.

[B]

Well, if you put it on the left, that means you're gay. You put it on the right. Totally straight. Yeah.

[A]

So. And then we used to have a lot of codes where we knew one earring. Remember we used to tell a guy whether he's gay or straight by his earring.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're all done with the earrings. There's two earrings. There's three in one ear. I can glean no sexual information off of an earring.

[B]

Yeah. Earring in the nose. Is that. Yeah.

[A]

Earring in the nose means angry white chick who hates Maggie.

[B]

Yeah. Who loves. Who's bisexual and won't do anal. And that's a little bit of a caveat. Yeah.

[A]

A lot of websites for both those things. By the way Rudy, but not the pantsuit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was also thinking, God, let's see. Oh, I wanted to. I've been. Bill Maher had a clip, and we can play it for you. But Bill's been doing a lot of interesting work on his show.

[C]

Oh, I do great work on my show. The one where I get really drunk and high or the other one?

[A]

The one where you're drunk and high.

[C]

Yeah, I do great work.

[A]

Yeah. Speaking of, you had what's his name from Smashing Pumpkins on there. I wanted to. You know, it's been like two or three years since I've been on the show, Bill.

[C]

Oh, yeah, we're ticking through people right now.

[A]

Yeah, I've seen some people show up, like, for a second or third time, you know.

[C]

Well, those are really good guests. I like a guest, you know, that, you know, lets me talk. Ask and answer, as they say in courts.

[A]

Geez, I thought we had a pretty good exchange on there. I remember thinking, man, that was an hour that flew by.

[C]

To some. To some people.

[B]

Yeah, I like that. You had Hoctua.

[C]

It was torture.

[A]

Yeah, you had Hoctua girl.

[B]

Yeah. And for the fifth time, too.

[A]

That was five times. And yet it's been some years since I've been on, Bill. Anyway, I'm local, right?

[C]

Well, I like people that let me talk the whole time. That's my thing.

[A]

Well, I mean, you're kind of a.

[C]

Gabber, to be honest.

[A]

You can. Well, you get hocked to a girl. She's 19, from Fontucky. I mean, come on now, Bill. You want someone who's a contemporary, who's a comedian, who can spar intellectually with you and has the comedy chops to compete.

[C]

Right? Well, we couldn't think of anybody.

[A]

No, no, I'm sorry. I was talking about. I'm sorry, Bill. I was talking about me.

[C]

Oh. Oh, yeah. No, you're terrific. I mean, I love your comedy. Whenever they talk about the greats, you know, Cosby, Louis C.K. you're always up there.

[A]

Okay, Bill, I think you're being a little sarcastic now.

[C]

No, I'm not being sarcastic at all. I just talk like this.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[C]

It's just me being totally sincere.

[A]

I am pretty well respected in the industry.

[C]

Okay. I also laugh sometimes when I don't think something's funny.

[A]

Oh, okay. Because you didn't laugh at all when I was on your show, you know?

[C]

No, I didn't get high enough.

[A]

All right, we have Bill Maher speaking here, and I just. I want to commend you, Bill, because I thought it was a nice little soliloquy. Let's listen.

[C]

Just the fight I have been having with the left, while I'm, of course, the irony, as a lot of people in my position is still a liberal, just a traditional liberal, not won't go.

[A]

Along with their, like a lot of.

[C]

The stuff that's just crazy out there, too far, which gets Trump elected, blah, blah, blah. As I always say to my woke friends, we voted for the same person. You're just why she lost.

[A]

Oh, good. Okay. Took me a second.

[C]

Sorry to absorb that. Okay. You know, they're the people who don't want to talk. It's my main issue with them. And Charlie Kirk was a guy who, like, he was always talking, and I talked to him here. You know, the right wingers say what you want about them, but they talk to you. They're not into this leftist think. The left really has much more of a. I don't talk to you, I don't want to deal with you. You're deplorable. I can't break bread with you.

[A]

That attitude.

[C]

And like all the right wingers, they don't have that attitude. Now, again, I didn't vote for them. And Charlie Kirk and I certainly don't agree on much politically, but he sat here.

[A]

He's a human being.

[C]

He's not a monster. And a husband and a father. Yes.

[A]

And I liked him. I liked them all.

[C]

They're all nice people when you meet them in person. And they're not as crazy as they would. Nobody's as crazy as they make them out to be.

[A]

All right, so nice job, Bill. I mean, I thought that was pretty magnificent of you.

[C]

Yeah. The left, they don't want to talk to you. They don't want to break bread with you. They don't want to ride a bike with you. They don't want to go skiing with you.

[A]

Yeah, we get to.

[C]

They don't want to play Connect Four with you.

[A]

Right. But no, wait. They don't want to do stuff.

[C]

They don't want to do hopscotch with you. That's the problem.

[A]

It's understood. Yeah.

[C]

Hey, Adam, let me try to get you my schedule. What are you doing? 20, 30. What is your year looking like?

[A]

Well, that's five years away, maybe more.

[C]

We want to plan ahead. We want to make sure you're free.

[A]

Well, why don't we put you in.

[C]

For the fourth of who gives a shit, Okay?

[A]

I got a lot of projects to plug.

[C]

Oh, then we'll skip it.

[A]

No, no, no. I have Projects to plug. I do, like.

[C]

I don't want to be a burden.

[A]

I'm like you. I tour the country. I do stand up comedy. You know, we're like the same. You know, we do. We do.

[C]

What theater are you at? Which you at the.

[A]

No, I like more intimate. I like. No, no, I like more intimate environments. You know what I mean?

[C]

You're at. You're at Magoobies.

[A]

Well, yeah, I'm just working on Eddie's Banana Chocolate. Well, first, but, you know, I like to connect with my audience. You know what I mean?

[C]

You like to stay at the Holiday Inn and connect?

[A]

Red roof in on occasion. But I like to feel like I'm part of the crowd, you know what I mean? And being up on that high stage, a big vaulted ceiling of a theater, or you take your private jet out.

[C]

Of Van Nuys like I do, or where do you take your private jet out?

[A]

Take a Southwest out of Burbank, usually. Again, I like being with people.

[C]

I Look, that's great. And do you pay extra for the peanuts or do you in the. In the back of the plane.

[A]

They switched out the peanuts about 14 years ago. It's probably been a minute for you, Bill. And they have pretzel sticks now, but I'll sometimes bring my own peanuts. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Sounds like you're doing great.

[A]

Yeah, well, again, you know, there's nothing wrong with Southwest. They'll get you where you need to be. I like to play the more intimate, smaller venues, you know, where I can really look my audience in the eye and really connect with them and feel.

[C]

To the bathroom with them. Because you. You have to share the toilet when you go to.

[A]

Well, yeah, okay. There's, you know, there's certain clubs that don't have a bathroom in the green room, and that is a. That's a. That's an issue. It's awkward. No, but you could get an escort from the club, like a security guy. It's not real security, but just one of the Samoan guys who has a windbreaker or something, and he could watch you pee. You know, I relate.

[C]

I got to share the.

[A]

You get, like. You can get, like, mozzarella sticks back there. Mm. And they'll do like, a Hawaiian burger. Sometimes. That's good. Or like a barbecue baconator burger. That's, you know, barbecue sauce. It's what it sounds like.

[C]

You know, let's get back to you complimenting me.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway, I'm saying we're both great comedians. We both tour the country, we wow the audiences. Right. Yeah. And, you know, I thought, wow. Yeah, wow. No, I mean wow the audience. I'm not saying wow, wow.

[C]

I didn't laugh once.

[A]

No, that's not how I meant wow. Like, I meant it in like a vaudevillian way. Like, you know, he really wows them. Like Scott Joplin and the Entertainer. He really wows them in the cities and he wows them. You know what I mean? Like, I would. Wow.

[C]

He's got that reference for sure. I'm sure the kid's got Scott Joplin reference.

[A]

I have a, you know, I have an older crowd normally. That's why we'll do like a 3pm show and then like a 5:30 show, you know, because I have a more mature a season. Yeah. I played a more intimate environments with a more seasoned audience who, you know, wants to have soup and get home, you know, early.

[C]

Discount tickets.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, we won't give away tickets. I mean, sometimes we'll call into a radio station and like the first 80 people who say the phrase that pays might get some comp tickets or something. Something like that. But it's not giving pay tickets to my shows. I have no trouble selling these tickets. And I'll do a me.

[C]

Sound like you're like overly trying to tell me everything's going well.

[A]

I will do like a meet and greet after the show, so.

[C]

It's pathetic meeting a book.

[A]

I have.

[C]

You do meet and greets? I doubt it.

[A]

Help.

[C]

Merch. What's your merch item?

[A]

Well, I'm glad. I'm glad you asked. I'm one of the few entertainers that has a T shirt with my name on it. Other people have T shirts with their name on it. I do one with mine.

[C]

You got a mug that says Ace, man.

[A]

All right, you know what? We had mugs. Yeah, we'll do mugs. Mugs break. You know, Southwest isn't always the greatest with the baggage handling, so mugs got a little dicey. The handles would start busting off. I'll do a cheese shirt. Do a mug. I'll do a book. Obviously, you know my books. You've read my books. I'm very well known and, you know, I wouldn't say beloved. Author. A celebrated author, for sure.

[C]

Appreciate you. You sent me a book. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, it's funny.

[C]

Makes a great coaster.

[A]

I sent you that book and then when I went to your office when we did your pot, I couldn't find it on the shelf. You had all these other books. I was, I was like, well, he's probably in the bathroom. He probably keeps it. You know, he reads it on the bathroom.

[C]

Yeah, we ran out of toilet paper.

[A]

No, no. Well, that's funny. I meant you read it.

[C]

Oh, I read it in there. I'm sorry.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, merch, you know, meet and greet, we'll charge an extra $8 for a ticket and they can take a picture with me. You know, like I said, it's a more intimate environment and it's a more seasoned crowd. So some of these people, you know, they don't have so many pictures left in them and they want to get a shot and it's wonderful. And, you know, we're done by 7:30.

[C]

8 o', clock, and the crowd goes mild.

[A]

I wowed them is what I did. So, anyway, listen, I'm doing just fine, thank you. Okay, Okay. I believe you and Bill doing work, you know, seeing both sides of the story now, I think you've probably lost a few friends. When you went over to have dinner with Trump, I think that was.

[C]

Have any friends.

[A]

Oh, that is true. That is true. But doesn't, like, Sarah Silverman come over and play basketball twice a year or something?

[C]

Yeah, she does. That's true.

[A]

I thought you went on a boat.

[B]

Ride with Kyle Dunnigan.

[C]

No, we were on a plane together. But I don't want to acknowledge him.

[A]

Oh, speaking of boats, Bill, every year I ask, he does this whole comedy jam in Hawaii. Every year he goes there for the first. Right. And every year he brings all these comedians who all love me and respect me, and I go, well, I'm gonna be in Hawaii too, you know, and maybe I could do it like what they call a drop in set, where I just drop in and do some comedy with you and the aforementioned Sarah Silverman. Wouldn't that be awesome?

[C]

This year, you know, I canceled those and I don't do those anymore, you know.

[A]

Cause I saw a flyer, I saw you advertising online for one coming up.

[C]

Oh, you know, that's all fake news.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's not real fake flyer news. Okay, so you're not doing those anymore?

[C]

No, I'm not going to be there March 7th.

[A]

March 7th. I thought it was New Year's. All right, well, I'll come out if you're gonna be there.

[C]

No, I'm not gonna be there.

[A]

Oh, okay. But you said March 7th then.

[C]

Yeah, we're not gonna be there March 7th.

[A]

But why would you advertise not being somewhere on that day? It seems like a waste of money.

[C]

It is weird. It is very weird that I said that.

[A]

Yeah, you Know what's weird? I don't know if you guys knew this one, but I was looking in the newspaper and in Malibu, it's an old story, but Caitlyn Jenner, when Caitlin was Bruce, got into an accident on PCH and killed somebody, Right? And then later on, Caitlin's press secretary, or whomever, confidant, who was a dude who transitioned into a woman, died in Malibu on the highway when her ATV went off a cliff, like riding along Temescal Canyon. Or not Temescal, but Malibu Canyon or something like that. It was a crazy story, but it was also crazy that and Bruce Jenner has been in Malibu, and now there's two bodies connected to him from the road, which is kind of a weird. Kind of weird. It's also kind of weird that his press secretary, confidant, assistant, whatever, transitioned as well, did a much better job than Bruce did in the transition department. And also, I don't even know what. I don't know what etiquette is, because when you're looking at someone who transitioned in front of your girl, how much time can you compliment that person? Because this person, I would say one of the few times I looked at a picture and just went, oh, this hot chick died in this whatever. And then as you read the article, they start talking about champion with trans rights and as a trans person, and you're like, wait a minute, that was a dude. At some point, her friend and manager, Sophia Hutchins, died in a fatal ATV accident on July 2. So just a month or two ago near Jenner's Malibu home, Hutchins, 29, was operating an ATV when she collided with a moving vehicle, causing her ATV to go over the shoulder of the road and plummet 350ft.

[C]

I don't think there's prove she's a lady because she can't drive.

[A]

Oh, come on, Caitlyn.

[C]

Yeah, baby.

[A]

You were just jealous because she made a much better she than you.

[C]

I kind of mesh with the ATV a little bit.

[A]

Oh, you like a couple of things.

[C]

I didn't know what I was cutting. I'm just a lady.

[B]

All trans vehicle.

[A]

That's right. He cut the brake lines.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[A]

I don't know. I just. I found the whole story. First off, it was a very California story. You know what I mean? And also, I would love. My dream is to reanimate like John Wayne and, like, sit down and explain this to him. Like, he's like, you know, I'd say to him, you know, Malibu, Malibu, lots of hot broads. In Malibu. We used to go there, tilt a few high balls, you know. Yeah, I get pulled over, but the cops knew who I was, you know, they'd blow, bum a cigarette off. I give him 20 bucks, he let me go. You know, whatever. Like that old world explaining, like, do you know who Bruce Jenner. Yeah, it's the world's greatest athlete. Guys on the Wheaties box. Okay, let me just fast forward. A few things have happened. Here's a dude, who is that? That chick's hot. I'd like to get a piece of that. No, that's not a woman. That's a guy. Oh, get the fuck out. And what happened to Bruce Jenner? Well, this is Bruce Jenner now. What the fuck? They. There's something called an atv. John Wayne would never. He'd have to like sit down, he'd get the vapors, he'd have to ask for a break. Like when someone was undergoing interrogation about some rape allegations or something, where they go, could I just take a minute? And I was like, sure, take your time, take your time. John Wayne would have to do that, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Take my hat off when I see a pilgrim now, like, you know, like you take it off to a lady. He would be so confused.

[A]

I don't know when John. What year do you think John Wayne died?

[C]

Let's just take a 70s.

[A]

No, no, no, no. 81. He made it later. Yeah, he made it later.

[B]

It was like, yeah, you're right. Like 82, 83 somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, I would reckon early mid ish 80s is what I would. Is what I would say. I think, by the way, full decade after Bruce was hailed the greatest athlete ever. Ah, 79. Still around to see Bruce win Olympic gold.

[B]

Yeah. Was that you and I talking about married with children and how many times they made Bruce. They called the Bruce Jenner thing, him transitioning. Well before Caitlyn Jenner came around.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, because they would always talk, they would always have jokes about, you know, did you know that Bruce Jenner is now a woman? And then there's. I just saw a clip where they had Marcy Darcy on and somebody walks in the room and goes, hey, Bruce Jenner. This was like seven years before Caitlyn Jenner showed up on the scene.

[A]

There is now, I don't know what year that's from, but there's plenty of tape of me saying to Dr. Drew, Bruce Jenner's turning into a chick. And then him going, I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm going, I Don't know what I'm talking about either, but that dude's turning into a chick. And. And I was just. I have hypervigilance, so my spidey sense was tingling, you know. And that's from 95, 96, but married with Children is before that.

[B]

Before that. Yeah. So this was like. I think some of those clips they show were from like 91. Maybe 90, 91 or late 80s. So it's gotta be somewhere in there. But yeah, they were definitely. They were like the vanguards of calling it before anybody else was you and Married With Children, I guess.

[A]

Well, give. Married With Children. They. They scooped me on it. It was all in the eyebrows for me. His eyebrows started looking like Kyle Dunnigan's eyebrows. That's when I got suspicious. We have the clip from Married With Children.

[B]

How nice.

[A]

Oh, the Internet's absolutely amazing. I will say this, while they look for that clip or cue it up in the vein of Bill Maher talking about both sides getting together. I had a corporate gig to do. And we'll play you this. What year is this from? Is the.

[B]

Well, that's Jefferson. So it's gotta be in the 90s at some point.

[A]

It can't be'89 or even'91. It's gotta be a little later.

[B]

A little later, yeah.

[A]

We'll try to figure out what year Jefferson. When did it end? Married With Children.

[B]

Hmm, good question. Probably 98, 99.

[A]

I gotta believe this is toward the end, but go ahead, we'll play it.

[C]

Excuse me, aren't you Bruce Jenner?

[A]

Wow, there it is.

[B]

But suspiciously looks a lot like Bruce Jenner in there.

[C]

Yeah, it does look Bruce.

[A]

Yeah, I'd have to confirm with Drew, but I probably started in 96 with my Bruce Jenner talk. The thing that was funny is I had this corporate thing and one of the guys who's gonna be there is Antonio Villaragosa, who was the mayor of Los Angeles for what felt like 30 years, but it was maybe eight years or something. But he was a long running mayor and his real name is Tony Villar. He just changed it to Antonio Villaragoza so he can get votes from the Hispanic community. And he's a horrible mayor. Now, he's not as bad as Karen Bass. Cause she's just a fucking communist and she's a dunce. But he's a dope too. Who failed the bar four times and never passed it. Just failed it four times. And I always talk a ton of shit about Tony Villar. And he's gonna be at this event. So they said, originally I said, well, what are they doing? They go, well, you're interviewing Antonio Villacos. And I was like, I don't think that's gonna work, right? Cause I got questions, you know what I mean? And they're used to softball. So they said, well, let us check with him and see how that's going. And Mike August checked, and, you know, Mike's always confusing. And he called back, like the next day, and he went, we're on. And I was like, he's gonna. We're on. He's like, we're on. I said, they're gonna let me. Antonio Villaragosa agreed to let me go out on stage in front of a group and interview him. Well, they said yes. I said, okay. And then I had this thought. Like this momentary thought, right? I thought, you know what? Good for him. Good for him. Let's have a fucking spirited debate. He's got his point of view, I got my point of view. Good, we'll come together. And Charlie Kirk is smiling somewhere in heaven right now. And what Bill Maher said, that's right. We should do more of this. And then. So I called Mike yesterday and I go, okay, so what's the schedule? He goes, well, there's a meet and greet at 5. That's 5 to 6. And there's an hour off. And then you're gonna get up there with the owner of the company, and you're gonna get up on stage and do some stand up or something. And I go, okay. And then what's going on with the Vivar Gosa stuff? And he goes, oh, that's not happening. I said, oh, you said it was on. No, no, I said, you got the gig. But no, there's. People said, no way. And I thought to myself, why are you all such fucking cowards? And by the way, you're the mayor of Los Angeles. Come fucking school me up, settle my hash. You know what I mean? Like, straighten me out. Tell me what I got wrong. Tell me all that you've done, right, what I've got wrong, why Karen Bass is awesome, why the fires were not preventable. Like, you tell me all the stuff I'm wrong about, or you can just go fucking hide. Which is all they do. And the real reason they don't want to get into this. And people go, they say all the time, they go, why can't they sit down and have a conversation? You know, why Any conversation that I'm right about, I've never shied away from. Do you know what I Mean, they said, how about some couples counseling? And you go, okay, and what are we gonna do? Well, you and your girl, you're gonna sit in this office and there's gonna be another woman, and she's gonna sit across, and we're gonna try to solve some of this stuff. Okay? What's the issue? Well, she thinks you've been cheating. Okay? If you haven't been cheating, then you go, yeah, set it up. I want to get a third person. I will explain to them. I'll give them my phone and I'll explain to winner. But if you have been cheating, you go, fuck that. I don't need fucking random friend talking to me. I don't even know, by the way. I'm not going to sit in the same room with you, you bitch. I'm not even going to rkz. You can't win. You're not going to win. If these fucking people could win, they would sit down and they'd go, right? Anthony Fauci would go right onto Tucker Carlson's show and go, I'm going to fucking school you up about COVID and about vaccines. And I want to get to your audience anyway. I mean, think about it. His audience, Fox audience, is huge. CNN's audience is dwarfed by the Fox audience. And you're Anthony Fauci, and all you want is people to get vaccinated. And the people aren't getting vaccinated are the people that are watching Fox. But you won't ever go on their show. Well, why not? That's where the audience is, and that's where the people who need vaccines are. So go on there with your wealth of information and just convince those dumb troglodytes how to get vaccinated. But you won't do it because you're fucking scared because you've been lying. That's why you don't come on. So everyone goes like he said, she said. Why does these guys, Bill O'Reilly love him or hate him? He'll go on anyone's show at any time. All the conservatives will go on Bill Maher show, and they know Bill Maher disagrees. They'll go right on his show because they have an argument that's based in something and they feel like they can support it. I think a lot of the progressives feel like they're just fucking lying. And there's no way Kamala Harris is gonna go expose herself now. Trump will go on with Joe Rogan and go, fuck it. Yeah, three hours. Fine. I don't care. She won't she has to preset everything. Why all the rules and why are they not going on if you're just right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, I'm just a guy being accused of murder. Didn't murder anybody. Do you want to talk to me? Yeah. I'll talk to the police.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Get any lawyer you want. I'll tell you exactly where I was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. So that's the part we're missing. Like Bill is missing the third part, which is all the Republicans will come on. None of the Democrats will. Why? Why won't. They're more than happy to go to Morning Joe every other day. Every day. They'll go on board and show. So it's not. They're not camera shy. They wanna go to friendly places that aren't gonna ask them real questions. And then they go, well, they're worried about being ambushed or treated unfairly. You can't ambush someone who has all the information. Any one of those doctors who had alternative opinions about COVID would go on any show. And they weren't worried about being ambushed. They had the data. So how can you ambush. How can the cops ambush a guy who never committed murder? How can the therapist ambush the husband that didn't cheat?

[B]

Yeah, well, when you have no facts, it's hard to come up with something in the moment.

[A]

True.

[B]

Yeah. So that's why you sit behind Twitter and you sit behind Instagram and Facebook and you call people simps. Because it's so much easier than actually having to sit and have a conversation with someone.

[A]

Oh, did we figure out what a simp was?

[B]

You know, I went through all the comments when we posted that clip, and I do believe most people just thought it was like a simple person. Like a simpleton.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, sympathetic. Oh, you see, this is the problem.

[B]

But the problem is the way he spelled. It was S, I, M, P, not S, Y, M, P. If it was symp, I would say sympathetic.

[A]

Yeah, it's stupid either way.

[B]

Sympathetic to.

[A]

Well, what do you know, Dawson? Do you know? I. I don't know for sure, but yes, it's. It's. It's someone who defends someone else at all costs. It's like I'm sympathetic to this guy. Lift him up on a pedestal. I get it. Do they spell simp? Well, maybe there's two. Well, they can't spell anyway, so that's not. Is there a simp with a Y on the Internet? That means something, though? I'd be curious. I'll see. That was Keith Overman calling me a simp O'Reilly, oh, auto parts. Yeah, good guys. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road. O'Reilly Auto Parts offers friendly, helpful service and the parts and the knowledge you need for all your maintenance and all your repairs, always use O'Reilly. And in a world where no one knows anything anymore, these guys are knowledgeable and they know their products and they know your car. Believe me, I know the subject. And I've been to O'Reilly two times in the last two months and the guys knew what they're talking about. And actually, one guy held the door open for me as well. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they are friendly. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us online@o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam this September, CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto TV.

[B]

I'm coming in hot.

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

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[C]

Adam, would you run for mayor ever?

[A]

I think you'd be I'd love to run for mayor.

[C]

Would you really? Because I think you'd have a chance. I'm not kidding.

[A]

I don't know. It's weird. I mean, maybe you're right. Let's see. Simp simp S I M P is An Internet slang term describing someone who exhibits excessively sympathetic sympathy and attention toward another person. That's that simp. Yeah, I think that's a more insulting simp. Being called simple these days is almost.

[B]

So what is he saying? That you're like a right wing sympathizer? A mega sympathizer? Is that what he's calling you?

[A]

I am, but I wasn't talking about Trump or any of that.

[B]

Yeah, that's the weird part.

[A]

Yeah, that's the thing is people's hatred for Trump has rendered them incapable of critical thought. But on the Urban Dictionary, symp simp has a meaning. A man who places importance on a woman's irrational problems. He is sympathetic to her petty nagging and believes it will get him laid.

[C]

That's what I thought.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I did.

[B]

Speaking of hatred for Trump, I was hanging a mirror for somebody at their house the other day, and when I grabbed the drill to put the hole in the wall to put the anchor in, I said, drill, baby, drill.

[A]

Oh, really pissed off. Angry about it.

[B]

Had to have a sit down conversation with me. And I was like, I didn't even realize. I was like, I didn't realize you were that angry about it. She goes, I've been thinking about it all day. We need to get this in the open. I was like, I'm doing you a favor. I should be able to say whatever I want. I'm the one doing free labor.

[A]

The real headline here is that Rudy's working for TaskRabbit now. So evidently the standup is not going according to plan. Yeah, you're right.

[B]

You're right. Only five shows in El Paso this weekend, and I walked away with no. The problem is I'm not selling your mer and skimming off the top. Now I gotta go to task rabbit.

[A]

I would be a great taskrabbiter. So you are doing this person a favor.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

And what do you think? I wanna put this out there. What do you think the number one task of the task, Rabbit, is? Now there must be somewhere. Now, I don't want the boring answer, which is light gardening.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or something like that. I went, hang a mirror, fix a garbage mount. We both agree in here it's mounted. Mount a TV. Mount the TVs good. Let's mount the TV.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Clean a closet. Dirty closet.

[A]

Dirty closet.

[B]

Yeah. Shelves, probably shelves.

[C]

Organizer. Do they do that?

[A]

Yeah. Hanging a picture or a mirror is pretty, pretty good. But when I mount the TV. Feels good. TVs are almost free. Everyone's buying them. And the ability to. First off, I missed the old school Milwaukee bar TV, which was like a 27 inch zenith that was like 41 inches deep. And it was on a piece of plywood with like plumber's tape and a bungee cord. And it was like, in the corner. And, like, people sit under it sometimes, but the thing will fucking kill you if it falls off of its perch. There was people. The TV was invented in, like, 1939, and the TV mount was invented in 2002. And before after that, we just had like plywood. Like, we had pickup trucks. But the camper wasn't invented for, like, the first 28 years. And guys would just make their own shells and stuff. Been thinking about this a lot. Like, stuff that took too long. Kyle Dunnigan. Yeah. Why did it take so long to put wheels on luggage?

[C]

I was thinking as you were talking, the wheels on luggage, it's so obvious.

[A]

It's like, literally, we had two cars parked in my driveway in 1967. There'd be two cars with wheels parked in driveway, and some guy would have a steamer trunk on his back on, I'm going to the airport. Just dragging right. And right behind him, his kids would be dragging the trash can. Yeah, it's trash day tomorrow. Driving right in between the two cars with wheels. The wheel was invented in 5,000 years ago.

[C]

Yeah. But the small wheel wasn't invented till the eighties.

[A]

We had roller skates and skateboards. I want to say this. I believe the reason the wheel was never attached to luggage is it has the word lug in it.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

Yeah, you lug. You lug that shit. You dragged that shit.

[B]

Yeah. There's a great Miller High Life commercial where the voiceover goes, any man who wheels his luggage should wheel his dignity right up the door to you.

[A]

Not considered manly.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

The number one task on TaskRabbit is mounting the TV. Good call in there. Followed by furniture disassembly and assembly. Okay, that makes sense. You buy shit from Ikea, can't do anything about it. Third place is caulking and sealing. Kind of makes sense. Around the sink, bathroom, all that kind of stuff gets moldy. Gets moldy.

[B]

Yeah. I always thought for the longest time that that was my sign that you were a made man. When your TV hung on the wall and then your microwave hung on the wall above the stove. Like that was because for the longest time I had apartments where the TV and the microwave were on the same TV tray right next to one. And you couldn't run the microwave at the same time, you're watching tv because the TV would get lines in it.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And now when they're both hanging on the wall, but that was the sign that you made it. And now every apartment you go to, everybody's got a TV hanging on the wall. It's not like it used to be.

[A]

And they're big and they're light and they work. Dawson, you can find in the computer, speaking of tub caulking, if I show you a picture of the bathroom of the house I grew up in and you see the amount of caulking that was in the tub, the tub caulking of my house that I grew up in. All pre TaskRabbit. Now, my family would have never called anyone from TaskRabbit because they were, you know, they're 40 bucks an hour. The equivalent would have been nine bucks an hour. But that would have been way too rich for the Corolla blood. But. But no one ever pulled out the old caulking. They just put new caulking. At a certain point, they're spreading it on with a flip flop. It was like mega caulking. And obviously it would leak and get mildewy and stuff. Somewhere in the computer is the house I grew up in in North Hollywood. Not a good sign. It's a crazy Southern California story. Bought for $10,000 in 1952, resold, I would guess in about 2017 for $675,000 and promptly bulldozed. That's like in Forrest Gumps at Jenny's house. You know, that was bulldozed. And it's also a bad sign when your house was bulldozed. Yeah, that's bad. All right, I will show you this bathroom. And if you pull in tight on the caulking at the bottom there, you will see two and a half inches of caulking at the bottom of this. Ooh, bathtub with fake wood. By the way, that wasn't like in the guest house bathroom. That is the bathroom. There's one bathroom. It's got 70 linear feet of caulking in a three foot span. That's like £70 worth of caulking shoved into the corner. Is there any way to blow that picture up?

[B]

Speaking of John Wayne, that looks like his wallpaper. That looks like. Is that covered wagons and Indians on that wallpaper? What is that?

[A]

By the way, there's the tv. Now, this is after I've left. Oh, you're right. And my mom bought a tv. She would buy stuff at yard sales and Just set it around, you know, TV set around. Yes. Is that a laundry room behind there? And did you have a washer and dryer or at least a washer? Okay, let me. Mom strikes me as a clothesline type lady. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me explain. In the three, three adult houses, that's the laundry room slash bedroom. No, no, that's. That's the toilet behind the wall. I'm standing in the doorway of this miniature. Okay, I see the toilet. There's a toilet back there. I will say that in modern times, in single family homes, the Corollas. Are you ready? Rudy thinks he was poor with his Michelo beach towels. Out of three adults, this is people in their 40s and above, grandparents in their 60s, 70s, dad in his 40s, mom in their 40s. Three adult families living separately in three freestanding single family homes. One washing machine, one clothes washer, zero dishwashers. One clothes washer, zero dryers. These are modern people living in modern times as adults. No, by the way, when you don't have a clothes dryer, it fucks up your schedule. Because like I had one pair of white sanitary socks to wear with my East Valley Trojans uniform, right? I had one pair of socks. You didn't have multiple. Who are we, the Rothschilds with multiple socks? I had one pair that went up. The others were like mismatch and too low and whatever. And if you somehow discovered game day the fucking sock was at the bottom of the hamper and you had to wash it, you didn't have enough time to dry it. Yeah, it's depending on which direction the Santa Ana's were blowing. But no, we had a clothesline in our backyard. Just like dust bowl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Shit. My mom never got a dryer.

[B]

I can't tell you how many times my mom would wash clothes and the dryer would be on the fritz. Or maybe we just didn't even have one. And we would hang the shirt outside of the car when we'd roll the window up and then put the shirt in, just let it flap in the breeze while you're on the highway to dry it out.

[A]

Yeah, we had the washer. By the way, there's one family, not my grandparents and not my dad, but my mom's house. This house had one washing machine that was in my room. So my room possessed. And it wasn't installed. You could move it, right? No, that was. That was the dishwasher that's in someone else's house. Did the dishwasher and the washing machine live in the same house? Yeah, okay. I had the. Wow. It struck gold. My room, My room had the washing machine, the water heater, and the meter. Yeah, the, the, the, the, the meter reader had to enter my room once a month. Once a month. A dude from the city. I had a back door. Hey, out of the way. He would walk in, he will open my closet, and he would read the meter and he walked back out again.

[B]

Did you ever get down on one knee and be like, what are they doing to you, son? Are you okay?

[A]

It's all illegal, by the way. I should have died of carbon monoxide poisoning like 75 times. Because between. And also, there was no air. So the water heater, this hot 50 gallon tank sitting four feet from my bed, just a hot radiator. Middle of the summer, just Putting it out 24, 7. Not good. Sorry. Caulking picture one more time. I'll put that [e-mail], but yeah, that bathroom, dude, that was such a shithole house while they're throwing that up.

[B]

When we were in college, like our college years, La Crosse, Wisconsin, there was two laundromats. One had pay washer, unpaid dryer. One had unpaid washer, other one was paid dryer. Oh, you'd literally go to one, you'd wash for free. And then you take all your wet clothes, walk them four blocks down, throw them into the free dryer, and then walk them back to your apartment.

[A]

So it's so time consuming to be poor, isn't it? Yes, everything is just time consuming.

[B]

The bus is. I don't know how people do it. I get that it costs $1.25 to go one way, but it takes you two and a half hours to get to work.

[A]

I have no idea. Every cleaning woman I've ever had in LA has taken the bus from, like Boyle Heights. It's a five hour excursion. And the weird thing is, I wanted to say this about. All right, I'm getting depressed, but how much more call could you fit in a fucking. The tub's blue, the shit's brown, fake wood paneling.

[C]

Who's taking that thing that you have the thing across the tub? Like someone actually takes baths in that? That's a high end thing to do. Usually don't take a tub in those kind of tubs, but.

[A]

Is that your mom taking a bath in those? I don't. I honestly don't know what happened in that bathroom. I don't know.

[B]

Did you just use a piece of dried caulk to plug it to, like, put it on the Bottom. Yeah, there's no drain plug.

[A]

I never took a bath and I almost never took a shower. So I didn't wash. I would go into like the neighbor's pool and like rinse off and sometimes I'd use the hose. But I didn't go. I didn't hang out in the bathroom too much.

[C]

Is that soap? Just caulk. Like more caulk?

[A]

Yeah, we'd use a caulking soap. Yeah, it had conditioner worked into it. It's called Caulk plus set. It was a shampoo conditioner caulking that would. You could be worked, you know, and it was also no tears, you know, it was safe to use on kids. I remember that. Jesus Christ. My fucking parents are so lucky I wasn't an adult back then, cuz I would have walked in, went, the fuck are you idiots doing? What the fuck is going on here? What are you doing? No more coke, Norca. Get a fucking utility knife. Clean this shit out. Why are you living this way? What the fuck happened to you? You're not idiots. You speak English. Your family's been here for 150 years. Why don't you get your fucking shit together? Jesus Christ.

[B]

It looks like that little rack there is actually caulked into the wall. Like I just went over the rack and just dried it right in.

[A]

I'll show you a picture of the kitchen now. The kitchen. You can see the paint peeling off the cabinets. It's like you become an adult and you realize it's not that big a deal to paint your kitchen cabinets. It's a weekend job, you can do it. And by the way, you only need to do it like once every seven years. It's no big deal. It's all doable.

[B]

Yeah. Whoever ran that bead going up the wall, that looks great. It's the bottom around the circumference of the tub where it really goes to shit.

[A]

I have a feeling that's been re caulked a few times, right? Oh, there's multiple. Multiple. But we don't clean. Let's just go right over it. Go over it? Yeah. I mean, my stepdad John should have probably got out the exacto and trimmed a little the old coal comp, but he just went over the top. Also, at a certain point, it's like spilling food in a prison cell. Do you really care? You know what I mean? Does anyone really like, you're living in a trashed house? Do you care what your environment looks like? Answer is no. Everything's just garbage. That's what it was.

[B]

What do you think would be sadder is seeing that much caulk or actually just leaving it as is and never having recalls it at all and just letting it just get moldy. What is the sadder version?

[A]

I don't. First off, there's nothing underneath it. It's not like we're on the third story or something. The only thing underneath it is a crawl space.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

It looks like your bathtub is decorated for Christmas.

[B]

Tinsel around it.

[A]

Jesus Christ. It's so. I hated it. I hated that house. But my mom got. She got a portable TV so she could watch stuff on the commode later on. Again, the TV was not part of my childhood. That became a later life.

[C]

You live in the lap of luxury with a tv?

[A]

No. Kyle, how did you grow up?

[C]

Well, the butler lived in the room next to me, so that was kind of annoying because I could sort of hear him. And then my dad's plane was like. It was always, like, in the shop, actually. I didn't grow up, like, super rich, but I grew up around rich people. And we did belong to a country club for, like, two years, but. And, like, I remember one time we went. I told my dad there was a breakdancing fight at the country club, and he drove me down there to have a breakdancing fight. But we were not. We were not. We were kind of poor because we were around richer people. I thought we were poor. Then I got out and I realized we were. We were like, middle class. Upper middle. The middle class.

[A]

What'd your dad do for a living?

[C]

He was a. He was a lawyer. He was actually. He didn't make much money until the end of his life. He was on the insurance side for a while, you know, the lawyers everyone hates. And then he flipped over to the prose, you know, for the plaintiffs, and he got this huge case where he literally was going to make $60 million, but he got a brain tumor right in the beginning of it. So he tried. He could try, like, half a case, and the widow got, like, 19 million. And my dad was actually a little bit in debt, but it gave my mom, like, two and a half million to, like. So she was set. But if he just stayed alive for, like, one more year, he would have had, like, $60 million. Fun fact.

[A]

Did he. How old were you when he died?

[C]

26.

[A]

Oh. Had he seen your success yet?

[C]

Not really, no. He was very supportive, but I'm sure he was concerned. Like, he wrote us all letters before he died, and, like, I could tell in the letter he was like, a little concerned, but he's always very supportive.

[A]

Who's. Who's y'. All. Who all got a letter?

[C]

Me and my brother and sister got letters. Did you.

[A]

I had this too. Did you get separate letters? Because I got a joint letter. Me, my sister got a. We got a joint letter. We got, like, when you get the letter from a president, you know, with the auto. Dear, Dear. Dear Concerned Citizen.

[C]

Concern. Yeah, we got one joint letter, then we got one individual letter for each.

[A]

Oh, individual. Nice.

[C]

Yeah, it was. It was very nice. I actually, like, I thought I left it in L. A and I flew all the way to LA because I had a trashed, like, you know, one of those places where you keep all your crap. And I went through all this stuff and it wasn't there. It was like. It was in this bag in New York. Anyway.

[A]

Was it a meaningful.

[C]

Yeah, that's why I just, like, flew out to LA to go through the storage unit and it was not there. But then I found it later where I'd put it.

[A]

New York and what. Without getting into intimate detail, what was meaningful about it? I mean, your dad was a lawyer, so he's kind of a wordsmith, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, he was a very good writer. He just said that he was proud of me, which is nice. And that he. He didn't know where my talent came from. But he. Because it's. My mother was kind of like an actress type, and he's very quiet and he said, but maybe there's like a vaudevillian in his family somewhere. And then he just said that I chose. Even though I chose, like, probably one of the hardest careers to do that, that I was going to. You know, it was like he said, by heavens, you're gonna do it.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Nice.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. And it was a nice, like. And it was on this, like, black and gold frame. And then, I don't know, it's kind of like I don't believe in woo woo stuff, but, like, I don't even tell a story. It's. It's not funny, but tell us. No, but, like, I went to the Emmys and I won an Emmy, and like, it was the same black and gold colors. And his favorite song that was played at his funeral was. Was sung by Bocelli. Was that Anthony, that guy? And him and the other, the piano player who wrote who I'm Afraid of His name. Anyway, they were singing that song. It was just me. No one was paying attention, like, Governor's ball, whatever thing they do. And I don't know, it just. I don't believe in that stuff. But it was like.

[A]

Hold on. Time to say goodbye.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Sorry. It's the funniest. Let me just. Hold on a second. I was sitting here and I was thinking, wait, do we have a second half guest? Oh, wait, that guy dropped off. And then you're in the middle of your heartfelt story, and the screen just says, time to say goodbye. And I was like, I'm not gonna cut him off. Let him finish the fucking story before we go to news.

[C]

That was probably a good idea to cut off.

[A]

Sorry, Kyle, we gotta cut you off, but finish the dad's story next time. Time to say goodbye. I thought that was a prom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's so funny. All right. And. And. And so how long. Well, see, you won your Emmy. How long after your dad passed? It's been a few years.

[C]

Oh, it was like, almost 20 years. It was maybe like. Yeah, like 17 years or something.

[A]

But he. But you got your own letter.

[C]

I got my own letter, yeah. What did your group letter say? Do you remember?

[A]

It was short and I'd have to go, look, I don't know where it is. So it's kind of. You know what's an interesting. There's an interesting sort of human phenomenon, and I've always used this as an example, where it's like the boss calls the employee into the room, into his office. We'll put the picture up in a second. And he'd go, steve, we gotta let you go. Because you just. People feel like you're too abrasive and you're disrespectful. And he goes, fuck you. You go, yeah, this is fuck yourself, bro. And you go, right. People feel like you speak to people in a disrespectful tone. A lot of people are saying, you're abrasive and you're pers. You can suck my dick. And you're like, oh, you're making my point in the middle of me. You're doing a much better job of making my point than I am of making my point. And my mom's letter to her kids explaining she wasn't a bad mom, but not writing two separate letters. She basically was saying, I know you thought I was lazy, and I know you thought I wasn't attentive, but here's why I was. But it was two paragraphs to both of you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it wasn't on stationary or anything. It was just on Xerox paper. Yeah. So she made my point about being a lazy mom. With her last act as a mom, it was some pablum. And I don't want to sound like a douche, but, I mean, I think it's sort of why I'm wired the way I'm wired, which is my mom was one of these people, and my grandmother was this way, too, which is. And it's why I always go nuts when I hear the politician going, everyone deserves a seat at the table and everyone needs to be treated with dignity. I was like, what is the fucking plan? What is the plan? I want to hear the fucking plan. I want to know what you're doing. I want to know what your plan is. I want to treat everyone with dignity. And I believe everyone has the right to dream. And it's like, I want to know what the fucking plan is. Because my mom got a lot of mileage over going. I know I wasn't a good mom, but there was great love. There was always love. You know what I mean? And it's like, oh, was there? By the way, I'd trade that in for a fucking sandwich if I could get some sandwich or some college money or something. Or something. You know? So it was like, I realized, like, they did that sort of globally, like, when my grandmother, you know, like, it was that sort of thing where, like, rich people need to pay their fair share. Like, you have people who work for you who are poor. Pay them. Pay them. I don't want to pay them. It's like, all right, then shut the fuck up. Stop telling me how these poor people need to live in dignity, but you don't wanna fucking pay them. It was always just talk. So the last letter was a lot of, like, I know I didn't do a great job, but there was love. There was great love. And my thing is, first off, that's academic. I mean, the love part. Unless it actually manifests itself in some kind of action, like some form of manifestation of. Okay, I'm gonna sit down and read a book to you every night, or we're gonna hug hard when we see each other, you know, every Pop Warner football game you play, look up in the stands. You'll see me standing there wearing your jersey number. Like, if it's great love, but it translates into zero, then what is it? And then I'll ask you, who else loves me, who does nothing ever? And then how do I benefit from this? You know what I mean?

[C]

I really thought about doing charity. I'm really thinking about it.

[A]

That's what it is. The woman who wanted everyone to pay their fair Share in taxes, never paid taxes. That was basically my mom. But there was great love, and she cared about the indigenous people, even though she never helped anybody who's indigenous. But there was love. There was great love. And the reason I get pissed off is it's such a fucking cop out, because I don't have to love my kids, but I have to save for college and I have to buy them food and I have to pay for tickets and take them places and keep them safe. And. Do you know, my daughter called me the other day, and she's like, hey, the Lakers opening game, can you call your buddy Jay Moore and get some tickets? And I'm like, all right, I'll call Jay Moore. And she goes, can we get three tickets? Because I want to bring a friend. I'm like, I don't want to. I don't want to burden him. They're playing the Golden State Warriors. It's opening night. You know what I mean? Could you just answer? I don't know if it's love or not. I wanted. I did something. I wanted to. We got the tickets. Thanks, Jay Moore. Thanks, Jeannie. But the point is, is I don't know where love factors in. She wants tickets to the Lakers game. I'd like to get her tickets to the Lakers game and. But if Kyle Dunnigan asked me for tickets of the Lakers game, I would fucking do it. I would try. Really, I would. I would. I would say. You know what I'm saying? No promises. I'll hit Jay Moore up, see what he can. See what he can do.

[B]

Yeah. The three of us going to the Lakers game? Is that what you're saying? I remember my biological father told me once. He goes, you kids are my whole life. And I'm like, I am 33. This is the fourth time we've met.

[A]

I know.

[B]

How is that possible?

[A]

I don't. Here's what I don't like. I don't like anybody who murders someone. And then the mom goes, but he's a good kid. He's a good kid. He's not a good kid, and you're not a good mom. And no, there's not great love. And, no, he's not your life. I know we never talk, but I thought about you. Okay, he didn't do anything. That's the whole thing. Or. And it's. Or blame Toyota for catalytic conversion. I want stuff. I want action. I want to know what the plan is. If there's great love, then how come there's no sandwiches? Why do I sleep in a Room with no air conditioner. Why? Why all of this? How come I never got a mini bike with great love? So she just wrote this sort of dual thing, but it's also falls on deaf ears because it's like, you know people. It's like we all know the budding comedians or the whatevers where they go. I'm gonna get my hour special together soon. You know, it's been seven years of that. Who are they talking to? You know what I mean? You always just walk away. He's not fucking doing it. He's not doing it. He's not prepared. He just went and did the act I saw him do seven years ago. He's not doing anything new. Like, he's not. He's gonna write a book. He never wrote the book. Like, of all the people in the world to explain there was great love, you picked the wrong two people to explain there was great love. Cause we didn't get a sandwich. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But good for you, Kyle. You got a nice letter. An individual letter.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Did you and your brother and sisters do a word count to see who was. Oh, no.

[C]

But I'm gonna call them tonight.

[A]

Call tonight and get a word count.

[C]

Mine's not that long.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[B]

My big question is, did you win the breakdancing fight?

[C]

You know what's weird? By the time I got there, my friend who we would break dance, and the people that he challenged or whatever, they were all just, like, talking and showing each other moves. Like break D fighting. Back in the late 80s, you didn't actually fight. You just kind of danced at each other and then talked to each other about your moves. I got there.

[A]

Who's a better break dancer in their prime, you or Vin Diesel?

[C]

I've never. Do you have a clip of him breakdancing? I could tell you I won a breakdancing contest in seventh grade. I'm not bragging. I'm just telling you guys facts.

[A]

Well, that's like in Brattleboro, Vermont, though. Home of the whitey. And back in those days, one city was that in. There was one black in the entire town.

[C]

You know, we did. We were all whites over one black girl. And we did the Wiz, my high school, which is a black music.

[A]

You did the whiz?

[C]

Yeah, I was a scarecrow and the dialogue was like, dorothy, where be the Wiz at? Like. And I did it like that because that's how it was written. Like we didn't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it was black girl in the school, and she was cast as a munchkin.

[A]

Oh, she didn't even get Dorothy.

[C]

Oh. And we were just all. I was like, damn, Dorothy. Where's the. Where's that? And then we were all white, and the town next to us did it, too. And they were. The Westport, Connecticut, also did it.

[A]

They did the Whiz as well.

[C]

Same year, Weston and Westport, Connecticut, all white people except for one, you know. You know, munchkin did the whiz.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Flower Drum Song, which probably don't know what that musical is, but that's all Chinese people. And with our makeup, this is, you know, 89. Our makeup was. You know, we did the eyes. We did all that we did. People just thought it was like, oh, you're good acting. You seem Chinese. You know what I mean?

[A]

What city was your high school in?

[C]

Weston High School. Near Westport, Connecticut. It's like the smaller, woodsier town.

[A]

Hold on. We have a picture of my kitchen. And we also have Vin Diesel breakdancing. I'll be honest.

[C]

I'll tell you if he was better than me.

[A]

No, I totally believe you, Kyle. You're always honest, and you're an aw, shucks kind of guy. You're not braggadocious. There's my kitchen with the paint chipping off, and I'll show you the kitchen. I'll show you Vin Diesel, and then we'll do this. And I believe you, Kyle. You'll be honest.

[C]

I'll be honest.

[A]

There's young Vin with a full head of hair. Ooh, I can't believe you in the breakdancing community were not aware of another partner.

[C]

I wonder where he lived. Oh, this is nothing. Okay, not impressed.

[A]

Is Vin Diesel on the right?

[B]

If he was on the left.

[A]

Well, I didn't know if there's a third person. All right, so far, this is nothing Burger, right? I. I got.

[C]

I would break dance fight, beat him.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I would beat the hell out of this.

[B]

This.

[C]

Why would you even film this? What is this on?

[B]

Yeah, he could have won.

[C]

Remember that woman in Australia who.

[A]

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it looked like.

[C]

He's terrible.

[A]

All right, so Vin Diesel sucks.

[C]

Wait, is this the best?

[A]

It's still not as bad as his acting. Right? That guy's claim to fame, like, he died of. That guy died of sickle cell in 2002, and that's all he had on his rap sheet. Was I Vin Diesel?

[C]

This is Terror. Look at this move.

[A]

What is that?

[C]

Now that's really.

[A]

This is junk. Vin Diesel's horrible, right? Knocked him out.

[C]

Yeah, that's bad.

[A]

All right. Yeah, I know nothing about breakdancing, but that was bad. All right, I'll show you my kitchen, then we'll break and do a little news. Now, this is later again. If you see a spare TV set sitting around, that's my mom buying it at a garage sale after I'm gone.

[C]

Beautiful.

[A]

You can see the paint peeling, just literally peeling. Also, the upper cabinet stuck out like 18 inches. So you couldn't use the sink without putting your face into the cabinet and the sink. You got more bad caulking around the back of the sink. You can see that the real thing that you can barely see is the fake vinyl wood flooring on the bottom. Those are vinyl tiles. You see, it's all worn off in just beige where the person stood for the last 70 years. Because no one would ever paint anything or replace anything or fix anything. It's just old, weird avocado green and the paint's blistering and peeling off. And the oldest, weirdest, at a certain point, wallpaper gets crispy. It's so fucking old, it gets brittle and weird and stained. And that was it.

[C]

What made you take this picture?

[A]

The thing that's funny about but the pictures of my old house is this looks like evidence, right? This looks like your attorney, like your dad, if he represented me, would go, I know you think of my client as a cold blooded killer, but let me show you pictures of where he grew up. Obviously there must be sympathy for the man and what it would do to the brain of a young child who. Who grew up in such squalor and filth and it get knocked down to manslaughter. I believe your dad could do that. He would show pictures of the house I grew up in and the audience would. The jury would be immediately sympathetic. Right.

[B]

Did you take pictures of the kitchen and then turn around and take the pictures of the bathroom? Was it all in one enclosed space?

[A]

These are none. First off, I never owned a camera. These are my stepdad taking weird pictures of. Of the house. At some point, for some reason, there's a whole. We got a whole. Got a whole desktop full of them. There's probably like 12 pictures. They're all one's uglier than the next. But it is nice when you hear my kids complain. No fourth ticket for opening night of the Lakers game. Yeah, yeah, none of us. Yeah, none of those.

[B]

I noticed the coffee Mugs were rinsed, though. Nice touch. Yeah.

[A]

And my mom was a thermos lady. She had the thermos all the time. Had her tea with her thermos in it. Now, the thermos was bought used. And the thing that was funny is all the mugs and all the plates, all the mugs, everything was bought at a thrift store, right? And most people are like, they might buy something used, but they usually stop when you. They draw the line with stuff you put in your mouth. You know what I mean? Like a mug. Also, it's not like. It's not like mugs were ungettable back then. It's like, my mom wouldn't be like, well, you don't know any potters, do you? Or anyone owns a kiln. You could go down to fucking Sears and buy a mug for $0.89 or you get a used one for less, you know? That's how my mom rolled. But my. So we would go to the thrift stores, which always smelt of like, mildew and failure. It smelled like failure too, in there, didn't it? Like board games that were missing like six pieces, you know, and everything smelled mildewy and everything. And my sister picked out what she thought was this cool cup, like it was her cup. Like it's back when everyone had a cup. Like, that's my glass. That's your mug. We didn't have extra mugs and cups. And my sister got this sort of novelty thick glass. Looked like it was 100 years old. But it was kind of funny. It was graduated. It had numbers on the side of it. And that was her cup. And that was her cup for years and years and years. And then at some point somebody came over. And the guy was a physician, I don't know who he was or something. And my sister had the cup with the thing. And he goes, oh, that's a funny cup. And she goes, yeah, it's my glass, what I use. And he goes, oh, you know what that is? That's an old time urine Sampler Cup. People 1902 would piss into that thing. It was graduated on the side. You present it to the doctor who would probably prescribe leeches at the time. That was cup. So my sister drank out of a used urine glass. That's amazing. So, you know.

[B]

Yeah, bedpan, motorcycle helmet.

[A]

All right, we'll take a break. We come back, we do the news right after this. Morgan and Morgan. All right, let's get real for a minute. Everyone talks about summer being sunshine it and backyard barbecues, but you know as well as I do summer is also prime time for accidents. Ever slipped by the pool? Maybe got rear ended on the way to the beach? That's why you need to know about Morgan and Morgan. These are good people. They're big. You see their commercials everywhere. Yeah, they got a lot of experience and they're big for a reason. They get results. They brought in more than 25 billion. That's billion with a B for their clients. Just like you. I'm talking real stories. One Guy got offered 500 grand for his injury, ended up with 29 million. That's a game changer. Thanks to Morgan and Morgan. That's why they're America's largest, largest injury law firm. It's Morgan and Morgan. Right, Dawson, hiring the wrong firm can be disastrous. Hiring the right firm could substantially increase your settlement with Morgan and Morgan. It's easy to get started and there's their fee is free unless they win. Just visit forthepeople.com Adam or dial pound law pound 529. That's for the people.com Adam or dial pound law Pound 529. This is a paid advertisement. Home Chef. You find yourself eating the same thing over and over again when you're feeling burnt out. So you don't have time to search around for new meals and you just, you don't want to pick out the ingredients and learn how to cook something new. So it's the same old repetition. Home Chef gets it and is here to make meals easier and healthier. Along with tons of variety. Home chef has over 30 options a week and serves a variety of dietary needs. Plus, Home Chef customers save an average of 86 bucks per month on groceries. Right? Right. It's cheaper now. I mean, you know how expensive the market is these days. You don't get out of there for under 150 bucks. Users of leading meal kits have rated Home Chef number one in quality, convenience, value, taste and recipe ease. And I don't know what else you need to be number one in that about covers it. It's Home Chef. Right Dawson. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering our listeners 18 free meals plus free dessert for life. And of course free shipping. On your first box, go to homechef.com Adam Free. That's homechef.com Adam For 18 free meals and free dessert for life. You heard that right. Homechef.com Adam must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert.

[C]

I think of two things when I hear old timey music. The first is I can't believe these were the new hit tunes. Like, not that. That long ago, there was a guy with his Victrola, like, you got to.

[A]

Hear this new tune.

[C]

It really cooks.

[A]

Oh, there's a spring and must have the nickel in my pocket. Oh, yeah, check out that new hit. And their. Their parents were like, turn that racket down. Shut up, dad. This is our music now. Like you and Mom's boring ass violin crap music. Our music's cool.

[C]

As.

[A]

Kyle Dunnigan is on the Adam Corolla show.

[C]

Kyle is going, I heard no laughter on that. Was there all laughs? Did you guys hear laughter? I just heard myself. I go, wow, that sounds.

[A]

No, no. Big pop. Big pop.

[B]

So good.

[A]

Acme Comedy club, Minneapolis. That's September 18th through 20th, and then September 26th, 27. Zany's Comedy Club, Nashville, Tennessee. Zany's Cool club. Fun club.

[C]

Never been there.

[A]

You never been to Zany's? No.

[C]

I'm looking forward to it.

[A]

It's great. It's fun. Because you've been to Zany's.

[B]

I've done all the other ones. Except for the one in Nashville. Yeah.

[A]

So no, no, you're right.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. Say Bill Maher. Say so. No. Condescendingly. I'll be Rudy Pavich. Ask me if I've ever done Zany's.

[C]

Have you ever done Zany's?

[A]

I've done all the Zanies except for the one in Nashville. Okay.

[C]

So no.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I. That's how I wanted to say it, Rudy. It's kind of fun. Cause it's got. It's a comedy club, but it's got a little honky tonk in it. It's got, like a balcony, and people are kind of fun. And I've been up there. I've done it a bunch of times. But I've done live podcasts there. Did one with Nate Bartgazzi. What happened to that kid? He really had a promising future. This is like four years ago. So I don't know what happened.

[B]

Have you ever done the other Zanies in Chicago?

[A]

So no.

[B]

So no.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna answer. I have plausible deniability with every comedy club where I can go. I don't know. The answer is I don't know. Cause I cannot rem. But you guys will both like it when you get there. It's fun. Fun club. All right, what do we got in the news department?

[B]

All right. President Trump said Monday that he would file a $15 billion lawsuit for defamation against the New York Times, days after the newspaper released Articles on his ties to disgraced financier, Excuse me, Jeffrey Epstein. The statement comes after Trump threatened last week to sue the New York Times for its reporting related to a sexually suggestive note and drawing given to Epstein. He said. Today I have the great honor of bringing a $15 billion defamation suit against the New York Times, he said in a post on his social platform Truth Social. The New York Times did not immediately respond for comments outside of regular business hours.

[A]

We're on to billion. We're done with million. We're like, bored with million. And if you would have got hold of me when I was living in that shotgun shack, the caulking hut of North Hollywood, people come to our house and try to buy caulk from us. They go, well, the Home Depot's closed and we need caulking. I go, okay, I can spare a couple of metric tons. Let me just go to the bathroom, check my stepper.

[B]

Cut you out a chunk?

[A]

Yeah, I'll cut you a chunk. So here's what I don't like. If you would have got hold of me when I was living in that shack with no dryer and said, one day you'll be a millionaire, I would have went like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then they would have went, but no one will care because they'll be on two billionaires by then. And I'll go, wait a minute, I'll be a millionaire. Yeah, but no one will give a shit. No, they're on two billions. We went right past millionaire. Just went to billions. And now, like, if you're all My net worth is $71 million gives a fuck. Yeah, we're still, we're still splitting the check. Like, it's. You gotta be. It's all billions. And signing a contract with a major league baseball team is $9 million. You know what I mean? It's like, whatever, Whatever. You know, I mean, like fucking medium sized house in Malibu is $9 million. Like, it's like, it's. We're done with millions. It doesn't even mean anything anymore.

[C]

There's a big gap. I don't remember exactly it, but it's like, like a million seconds is like 11 days and a billion seconds is like 30 years. Like a huge gap between millions and billions.

[A]

And like a lawsuit where you got $2 million or something used to be set for life, you know? Now it's like, that's all.

[B]

Yeah, I was thinking about it with Robert Redford passing away, that in Indecent Proposal he offered a million dollars to sleep with Demi Moore, right. He's like, what would that price be now? You'd have to offer up ten grand or ten million to be able to sleep.

[A]

Yeah. The movie wouldn't ring true.

[B]

No million dollars. Who gives a shit?

[A]

Oh, so you can buy a shitty ranch house in Reseda and still owe $400,000? Like, no. To fuck my wife. Come on. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Robert Redford offered that. A seedy house.

[A]

I would be tons of coggins. That's in the editor's cut. I'd be like. If Robert Redford was like, met me in a casino, I was like, I'll give you a million dollars to fuck your wife. I'd be like, save your million. I'll give you a hundred if I can watch. And we'd have a whole new movie. Be a different kind of genre of movie. Wouldn't be any pantsuit genre. I'll tell you that right now. No pantsuit kids don't remember.

[C]

Don't know who Robert Redford is. Also Paul Newman. Like no one knows. People under like 35, they don't even know who like Paul Newman is.

[A]

I know. I have all his cars and no one cares. I know.

[C]

I've seen. Those are really cool cars.

[A]

Redford I like because he was in our Paul Newman doc. There were other guys that like Letterman wouldn't be in it, but Redford was in it. Letterman owned a racing team, an indie team, and so did Paul Newman. So it made sense that. That they're both indie team owners. But Letterman said he wouldn't have anything to contribute even though they both owned indie teams. I don't know. You guys are the only two celebrities to ever own a professional indie racing car team. So I believe you might have some thoughts on this subject. But he didn't have any. But Redford was in it and he was very nice about it.

[B]

Yeah, the fact that you got Bill Cosby in the Willie T. Ribs story, that was impressive.

[C]

That's a gag.

[B]

Very impressive.

[A]

I think that car, that call that archival.

[B]

Oh, that's what that. It wasn't shot after the.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. I thought that was fresh footage.

[A]

I could be wrong. I said to Willie T. Ribs, who was friends with Bill Cosby, I mean, Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby said to Willie T. Ribs, black driver, I will go out and get you the money to sponsor you at Indy. And to go to Indy back then on the cheap end, it'd be like 350 grand or something. But this is 80s back when, if I was a millionaire, people would look up to me, right? So Bill just went to Jell O and Coke and McDonald's or whomever he was being a mouthpiece for, because he was big time sponsor. He was the Peyton Manning of his day. And he just went to all these people and I'll just turn them down. He just thought he was gonna waltz into Jello or Kodak or whoever he's doing a shit with and went, hey, I got this driver I'm asking you to sponsor. Go ahead and line up. And everyone just said, no. So now Bill, who promised, don't worry about it, I'll get the sponsorship, is now on the hook himself for like 300 grand.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

And he ponied up. Wow. And if you look at that car, it didn't have any sponsorship on it. It had Bill Cosby's wife's name on it, which you gotta do because when you're saying to your wife, look, McDonald's and Jell O turned me down. But don't worry, we're gonna pay for this Indy car. But don't worry, I'm gonna put your name on it. Yeah.

[B]

If Cosby's wife would have fucked Robert Redford for a million dollars.

[A]

See?

[B]

Been all together.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So Willie did say to me, I think I can get Bill Cosby. And I was always like, let's do it.

[B]

That'd have been amazing.

[A]

I would have said to him, look, I'm not gonna talk about roofing chicks. I just want to talk about back in the day sponsoring Willie T's first race car at Indy, which he did. Wow.

[B]

Amazing. I know you got some thoughts on this? So this happened on Sunday night. She right now is the toast of Hamas. Hannah Einbinder, who is the Nepo baby of original Saturday Night Live performer Lorraine Newman, made quite the splash at the Emmy awards ceremony Sunday night, drawing energetic praise and some blurred out shoulders. On Monday, a mouthpiece praised the 30 year old starlet's foul mouth rant, which featured the slogan free Palestine. During the live Emmy broadcast, the terrorist propaganda arm, the KUDZ network latched onto the statement, but they would only go so far. They posted a picture of her with her torso blurred out, including her pro Palestine pin.

[A]

Oh. Cause I can't show female. Yeah.

[B]

Torsos. Yep. Tops.

[A]

Yeah. I love when it gets ironic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is the group you'd like to be in charge. Except for if they were, you would never be up on that stage and you would be flogged out in the fucking street somewhere. I love it. I love the Gays for Palestine. That's my favorite group. I love when their retarded ideology sort of runs into reality. Also, it's so easy because you just yell fuck ice, which is one of the things she yelled. And you just yell fuck ice and everyone cheers. But once again, just like my mom and my grandma. Okay, fuck ice. Okay, what is the plan? Would you like an open border? Would you like fentanyl? Just wandering across the border? They do bus guys who are gang bangers who do human trafficking. Are you against human trafficking? What is your ICE plan other than fuck ice? Cuz that doesn't feel like a plan to me. I'd like to hear a plan. Yeah, fuck copper wiring and fuck catalytic converters while we're at it. But I still would like to hear a coherent plan. So she said dumb shit. And she also realizes if you yell fuck ICE and really what these people are is cowards because you can yell fuck ICE and fuck Donald Trump and Free Palestine and you'll work. If you yelled out, I'm pro Maga and I'm for Israel and we need more border, whatever, you'd never work again in the town. So some of it is a tactical kind of work related thing. There is a great clip, Andrew, that I sent you of Maisie Hirono, who is easily the dumbest person in Congress. But. But it's perfect because she's Hawaiian so it works out well. But she is making her point. But I love when their point runs up against their point. There's a picture of her and this is great, except for because of Sharia law we have to blur out your shoulders, which I didn't even know what was going on when I saw that picture. Maisie Orono, who. She's not the dumbest person in Congress. She sounds like the dumbest person. But. But she is questioning Kash Patel, the head of the FBI and she wants to know why agents have to do push ups and she's explaining that women can't do push ups. Have you guys ever seen footage of like two female officers trying to take down one big drunken dude and they can't do it?

[B]

Yeah, one just came out. This lady got rocked. Female cop just got completely knocked out cold.

[A]

I didn't even see that one. But here's what I'm saying. The reason she can't is the same reason my sister couldn't take me out when I was 16. I was just bigger and stronger and I'd fucking throw her on the ground and it's stupid to have that person in charge of taking me out when I can't be taken out by that person. But they live in some sort of alternative universe where everyone needs to be everywhere except for you're endangering the public and you're endangering the chicks that are getting rocked by the dude. All right, but this is Mazie making a point about women and push ups and the FBI. And she's also making a point about a bad point about the transgender. Or men can be women, or women can be men. Or women have no advantage on the athletic field. Sorry, men have no advantage on the athletic field. She's making an argument here. Let's try to listen what this dumb shit's saying. You know, you've been asking some questions about changes to your hiring standard and including college degrees and possibly the age. But, you know, one question I had is. I don't know, I forgot it. Something about Toyota that you are now requiring applicants to be able to do. What's Keshe Patel thinking? Like, you know, they're going, this fucking retarded cow. Yeah, this fucking cow. How long do I have to pretend to be engaged with this cow that doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about? She didn't know what she's talking about. Like, that's a weird. Like, the thing is, like, you can disagree on politics. Like, like, you go, like, all right, I disagree with a lot of stuff Bill Maher says. But I go, the guy's sharp. You know what I mean? He's funny. He does ask poignant questions and make some pretty good points. But what if your person is just a dumb cow? You know what I mean? Like, fuck that guy. So fucking dumb. You know what I mean? All right, sorry. We'll play on that. You are now requiring applicants to be able to do a certain kind of pull ups, which a lot of women cannot because of physiological differences. Are you requiring these kinds of pull ups?

[C]

We are requiring a physical program at BftC at Quantico because FBI agents carrying guns in the field have to chase.

[A]

Down bad guys and do really hard work.

[C]

The physical fitness standards of those agents.

[A]

So are you of pull ups?

[C]

We are requiring everybody to pass the.

[A]

1811 standards at BFTC. If you want to chase down a bad guy, excuse me, and put him.

[C]

In handcuffs, you better be able to.

[A]

Do a pull up. The reason I ask is that there are concerns about whether or not being able to do these kinds of harsh pull ups is really required of FBI agents. Doing one pull up is not harsh. And they're always medical exemptions. Hold On a second. Also members of her own party. When it's like Macy, Hirono's turn to talk. You gotta be like, when you got that fucking dumb shit brother and he's drunk and he goes, I wanna make a toast. And you go, fuck, here goes Brett.

[C]

Fuck.

[A]

I'm gonna take a piss. I don't fucking be here for this. It's not gonna be good. You know what I mean? Just like her folks, she's friends with, but folks that share her party, folks that vote party line on everything. When Maisie Hirono sidles up to the mic, they have to be thinking, oh, fuck yeah, man. Right? Okay. What point is this cow gonna make? I don't know what her point was. Are you going to force peoples to do the harder, harsh push ups? Pull ups, pulls. You changing the pull ups. The harder, more harder pull ups. Much like Nithya Raman. I don't know what they're talking about. There's a certain threshold for stupid. And I'm not saying there's disagreement. There's disagreement and then there's. I don't track what you're. I don't know what you're saying.

[B]

Yeah, you can tell Cash's eyes are going up. He's like, I can't even look at this bitch. She has no idea what she's talking about.

[A]

You get dumber. If you lock eyes with Mazie Hirono, you will lose five points. Five IQ points for every 10 seconds you engage in her. Yeah, yeah. She can make you dumb like a candyman in the mirror. You say her name three times, you become retarded. Did you know that? Say Maisie. I won't do it. I'm only saying Maisie twice. I won't say three times you become retarded. Okay, what is her point?

[C]

That the pull ups are way too harsh to ask a woman to do. And so that's sexist.

[A]

Right? And his point is we need everyone to be able to do this so that we give them a gun and put them out in the field so they don't get cold cocked and knocked out. Yeah, that's what we need. So it doesn't matter anyone who can complete it. And by the way, I thought you guys were just saying that men had. Women didn't have any advantage on the. What is your message? You don't know what a woman is. Okay. And then there's no advantage to a biological male participating in women's volleyball. But now they can't do chin ups. Which is it, I guess is What I'm saying, can we figure out your. Can we be clear with your argument about this? These real hard. Both and neither is the answer Both and neither. Right. All right. Do we got one more there?

[B]

Yeah, we can do one more here. Let's do this one. Cause there's a video to it. I bet you guys are going to. I sent this to Kyle earlier today so we can take a look at it. An Arizona man beaten up a rescue for urinating in theater during anime movie Demon Slayer. As you can see in the video, there's a few men wailing down on the suspect while a family with a young child looks on. Chaos ensues until a theater employee barges in, turns on the light, and orders everyone to calm down.

[A]

What is up with anime? I don't get it.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't either. So many what? Okay, would you have more respect, like, if I just went, hey, Rudy, I watch a lot of anime and I beat off to it versus I just watch a lot of anime and I like anime. In terms of judging me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's lower? You know what I mean?

[B]

Well, are you. Are you watching the anime? Is it anime porn or is it just straight up anime?

[A]

Like, I just watch a lot of anime and I beat them.

[B]

Just a lot of anime or I.

[A]

Just watch a lot of anime and I don't beat off?

[B]

Okay, can I. Can I get your password for the anime channel?

[A]

I'm just. It's yes or no.

[B]

No. I would have zero respect. Yeah, I don't like anybody.

[A]

What's right? If a guy said, I watch a lot of anime and I would. I'd be like, what? And go. I beat off to it. I'd go, okay, you know that. That's your thing. Otherwise you're just. A guy watches a lot of anime.

[B]

Yeah. Now, like the anime genre, the furries genre.

[A]

I don't. All the genres. I don't get it.

[B]

I don't get it.

[A]

Yeah. Pantsuit gen genre. Don't get it.

[B]

When I was working at Lovesack, there was a couple that came in dressed as. As dogs. They were furries. And I casually just said when they came in, you know, they were a couple, like an actual married couple dressed up like animals. And I just said, hey, by the way, we don't allow pets on the furniture.

[A]

Oh, that's good.

[B]

And rip. Shit. Mad.

[A]

Oh, I gotta.

[B]

I got an email from corporate about.

[A]

Written up.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, this is dumb. Why am I working here? I'd left shortly after. But in the video you can see this guy takes an ass kicking.

[A]

He peed.

[C]

Good.

[A]

The music helps.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Barbie was the movie they went to.

[A]

Yeah. Beating in the dark is tough. I don't know. Is the guy beating in black? Because that's an extra advantage.

[B]

When the lights come on, you'll notice that I believe he is Mexican.

[A]

Darker's always better when you're beaten at night. You know, that's why a lot of. A lot of crime is committed by blacks and Mexicans at night. You know what I mean? Stealthy. Super stealthy. Wow. Is, is the guy. You're ruining the whole movie. I would argue your fisticuffs are ruining the movie as well. The guy peed.

[B]

Yeah. It wasn't clear if he peed on anybody in the movie, but if there's a genre of people that wanted to be peed on, he peed on. What was that, Andrew?

[A]

He peed on a kid. Oh, he peed on a kid. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That deserves an ass kicking.

[A]

I don't know. I'm sympathetic because I've been peed on so many times that, you know, I'm one of the few people I'd rather be peed on than spat on. Really? Yeah. Dr. Drew once told me urine was sterile and it opened up my world, man. I started peeing on apples before I ate them.

[B]

Yeah, well, that explains the question they asked me during the interview then. Would I be willing to pee on Adam?

[A]

Would you rather get pee or loogie?

[B]

For some reason, I think I'd rather go loogie.

[A]

Kyle. In the face.

[C]

Peeing loogie. And the eyes and mouth area.

[A]

Well, we'll break it off. I'll be here peeing loogie on the, the, on the thigh or on the forehead.

[B]

Okay. I think I would take pee on the leg, but I would rather take spit in the face.

[A]

Loogie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think, I think I want urine on both. I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I think I want to be peed on.

[A]

Double urine. Yeah.

[C]

Sanitary. Because spitting. I feel like I get sick. I get some kind of illness.

[A]

Dawson. Pier. Loogie. Did I just get stung by a jellyfish? That would change the answer. No, I, I, I'd like to make the joke that Pee on me, but no. Spit on me. I know you do it. Is it a man or a woman? It's loogie, though. Remember? It's Lu. Sure, sure, sure. Snot it up. No, I knew you got loogie because I'd go pee. Yeah, Andrew, I Always know where Dawson's going because it's always the opposite of what I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Loogie. Now it's weird because P is a first off pee rolls off ya like water off a duck's ass. Man. I've been peed on thousands. No, not thousands, but over, under on me. Getting peed on 78.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And that's not in a shower. I mean, that's public space.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's outdoors. That's restaurants, bars, school.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

School hours, clothed. You know, I've been peed on a lot.

[B]

We had a dude and I got.

[A]

Kind of used to it. It couple things. The. The loogie has adhesive qualities to it. You gotta work to get a loogie off. If that loogie gets in your hair or your beard or whatever, you gotta do it. The. The pee. The peel roll off. Yeah. You know, I mean, you gotta, you know, rinse your whatever off. But I. You loogie on my thigh. I gotta. I gotta work. I gotta work it a little bit. P. I could just hose. Hose my thigh. P rolls off. I'm with you, Kyle.

[C]

I want an amendment though. I think a man, I'd rather have him spit and the woman pee on me. Because a man peeing on you, his penis is in your face.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no. We could get. I got friends that can get you from across the room.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I didn't get peed on 78 times because I like guys dicks in my face. I got peed on. I got peed on from vehicles that I wasn't in. Oh, yeah, I've been peed on from like across boardroom tables and in bathrooms. I was on the other side of. Like. I've been peed on at a great distance. A great distance.

[B]

We had a dude on the football team who was, you know, pretty, pretty regularly would pee on the, you know, his teammates. And then one time, his friend name was Jimmy, we were in the shower and he took a piss right onto our friend Steve. And somebody said, jimmy, I don't think that pee looks, looks, looks right. It's got like a crimson look to it, man. Like he's like, what are you talking about? He goes, it's red. I think you're bleeding internally. And he goes, nah, it's been going on for like two weeks. It's fine. Come to find out he needed to have surgery. He had like an internal infection that was eating his insides. And had he not peed on Steve, I feel like he could have died. I feel like it was a very good interventive piss that we saved Jimmy's life with.

[A]

I wish I could have discovered that in Ray and Chris's pee, but there's just standard pee. And also, I was able to do a little social experiment of how a stranger reacts when you pee on them. Because I've seen Ray pee on a stranger and it turns out not nearly what you'd think, really. What did you. Ray was just standing at the urinal next to this kid, you know, and just turned and started pissing on him. And the kid just looked at Ray and went, dude. And that was about it. Like, it wasn't as. It's more like shot in the movies and shot in real life, you know what I mean? Like, shot in real life, they go like, I didn't know I was shot. I felt something warm. It was real warm. And there was blood or whatever, you know, it's a much less theatrical response, you know what I mean? And then Ray also peed on me for my 10th year reunion. And we were at like, the old Spaghetti Factory in pasadena where our 10 year reunion was, and we're taking a piss. I was wearing a suit, you know, probably one that I borrowed, and he turned to me, he pissed on me in the bathroom. And I was like, come on, man. Right in the middle of reunion, like, I borrowed this suit. And he goes. He goes, old times. And I go, oh, okay, yeah, good point. He made a point. It's a reunion. You know what I mean? That's what we did.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Yeah, that's what we did.

[B]

We have the old days.

[A]

Yeah, it's like he fucking. Fucking trumped me. He grandfathered his piss in. The funny thing is, my reaction was like, you make a point. You do make a point. All right, well, I'll just mop up before I go back out to the general population of people who know I'm a loser because I'm 28 and haven't done anything at this point. All right? Me, Albuquerque. Hey, Bill Maher. I'm playing the chemo theater. Theater. You hear that, Bill?

[C]

Who are you opening for?

[A]

No, I'm. Come on now. I'm headlining September 26th, and then it's off to Flagstaff, Arizona, September 27th at the Orpheum Theater. Bill. Huh? Not too shabby, huh?

[C]

Oh, time to say goodbye.

[A]

That's okay. All right, I'll be at Kimmel's club. Yeah, back down to the clubs. That's October 2nd through the 4th, over.

[C]

Well, I'll be there November 13th or 14th I'm at Kimmel's.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

You're there next month?

[A]

I'll be there October 2nd through the 4th. But wait a minute, Bill Maher, you're not going to be playing Jimmy's Club, are you?

[C]

No, I don't think so. I think it'll be closed by November.

[A]

Rudy, Kyle's coming. Got dates at the Acme Comedy Club and Zany's coming up. YouTube show, the Kyle Dunnigan show as well. Rudy's dates where we got you, Rudy.

[B]

I'll be at the Gramercy Theater this Saturday night with Michael Yeoh and then you can catch me October 3rd, Snarky Loom Brewing in Jenkins, Minnesota, and October 4th at Beaver Island Brewing in St. Cloud, Minnesota.

[A]

So till next time, Adam Crawford, Rudy Pavich and Kyle Dunnigan saying Mahala, pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and then right away get tickets to see the ACE [e-mail] this September, CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto TV.

[B]

I'm coming in.

[A]

For this month only you can watch full seasons of the CBS shows you love, from the courtroom drama of Matlock to the heroics of Fire Country. Go back to where it all began in NCIS Origins or watch the hilarious hauntings of ghosts. All for free. Full seasons of the CBS shows you love this month only on Pluto tv. Stream now pay Never. This September, CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto tv.

[B]

I'm coming in hot.

[A]

For this month only you can watch full seasons of the CBS shows you love, from the courtroom drama of Matlock to the heroics of Fire country. Go back to where it all began in NCIS Origins or watch the hilarious hauntings of ghosts. All for free. Full seasons of the CBS shows you love this month only on Pluto tv. Stream now pay Never.