Adam Carolla (129:00)
Have you ever had a chance to hit the slopes and do skiing before? Shit. Leave us a message at 888-634-1744 and click the banner on AdamCarolla.com or go to Evoice.com Adam for a free six month trial. That's right. I'll answer that question first. A little love for Evoice Voicemail transcribed Boy, that sounds good. That's. That's worth the price of admission right there. Transcribes your voicemail. Easy to read text messages or emails. Boy, that is nice call screen for you. Yeah, Evoice, it's. It's a radically better phone number. And again, if you're starting a small business, you want to seem like a big, big shot. Evoice, way to go. Really? Six months free? Yeah, yeah. I signed up for the six month free trial because my cell phone is a 619 area code. And in the Los Angeles area, people take you more seriously if you give them a 31 0. Yeah, sure. And so now for business. Luke Perry, man. I get one from Beverly Hills, I give everybody the 31 0. And then my phone even tells me this is Transferred from your three one zero eVoice number. And then you decide if you want to answer it or not. Because it's strictly for business. I always answer it. Maybe this is quasi racist, but I, when I see 818, I always think, what kind of low rent bullshit is this? That's the Valley. That's where I'm from. And then when I see the 310, I go, must be producer with a hot project. Exactly. You see a three one zero and you think, money on the line. Interesting. Well, six months free, as Dawson says. Evoice.com Adam and you can try it for free for six months. What could possibly go wrong with that? All right. Have I skied before? Well, here's how my life was. Things like skiing and water skiing and snow skiing and motorcycle riding were all things I did as a teenager. Tenth grade, ninth grade, that kind of stuff. And you say, but Ace, man, you always complaining about your parents and poverty and driving pieces of shit cars and what were you doing skiing? Well, it was pretty simple equation. Motorcycle riding. I did that with Chris Bohm and his dad. Snow skiing. I Did that with Jeff Buck and his family. And water skiing. I did with Jeff and his family, too, because they had a house over in, like, Tahoe and a, you know, lake and a thing and a this and a that, and they were normal. So I just. He'd invite me, and I'd go. And I went snow skiing for the first time in my Life at, like, 15 or 16. And I was always kind of a speed demon, and I had really good bounce and really good coordination, so I just said, screw it, man. After I got my feet under me after a couple of runs, two, three hours out on the slopes. And I used to be. I had this. I was training really hard back then, playing football and in really good shape. And I always had just nutty, crazy, you know, ride a unicycle off a picnic table and ride away, kind of. Kind of balance. So I got on those skis, and I was like, boom. Like, when we did water skiing, I was up on one ski in 20 minutes and having a great time. So I had that kind of balance, and I got cocky, and I started sort of hauling ass down the slopes and collided pretty violently with, you know, Sonny Bono style, except for the tree would be another dude on skis. And I think I was sort of serpentine down the hill, and he was going for a straight speed run, and we just. Bam. And I was okay, because I was used to playing football and all that good stuff. And when we were getting untangled, we were sort of tangled up. We'd slid. You know, pieces come off hats and gloves and things. And when we were getting untangled, this guy took his boot and his ski, and he sort of whipped, you know, sort of lifted it around, tried to whip it around, kind of get out from in between my legs or whatever. And he butted me with the square end of the ski just directly over the bridge of the nose, like somebody held a frozen ski and just went boom, right? And you're. You know, imagine if you're sort of taking your leg and bringing it over with a heavy boot and ski on it, and it just went pow. And so sometimes if you see me on television or a picture of me, you'll see that scar that I have that's on the. On my left eye, just sort of where the bridge of the nose is. And it probably could have used seven stitches, but at the time, I was like, eh, you ain't gonna be a model, so screw it. Looking at a picture of myself now with a nice scar over there and blood was pouring down. I mean, Your head bleeds like a stuck pig. And it was all over the white snow, and everyone was like, what's going on? It was just pouring down my face. And I just went in and got a little butterfly bandage on it. And I can't remember what packed out that day or not, but that was my one time snow skiing. And what happened was I lost track of Jeff. He went off to Berkeley or something. And I was left with Ray and Chris and the rest of the poor dudes. Ray, you know, Chris, they'd gotten divorced and Chris lived in an apartment. And then all through my 20s, it was like, I don't have money for bindings or skis or rentals or anything. And it just. It was too expensive and too far away. So I went skiing once I got bashed in the face and I went home. It's a great story. Yeah. Later on, I'll tell you about the first time I got a dog and it died at six months of age. That was my first dog. Hey, listen, the cosmos were saying, corolla, stay off the. Stay off the slopes, would you, buddy? I'd mentioned that I had a little knee surgery earlier today. I had. Now, you guys know I started the top of the show talking about the gowns and your ass hanging out and just all the transferring from the chair that you sit in when you get your IV to then getting up and going into the surgical room to getting up onto the gurney. It just balls, balls of sailing. Weaponized ball sack. Just balls in the air. Mobile of balls. A dream catcher of balls. And I was like, you guys have heard this rap, but why can't I wear minor pants? I'm getting hand surgery or I'm getting knee surgery. Now, look, in the last 10 years, I had surgery on my left palm, I had surgery on my right knee, and I had hernia surgery. I'm not arguing for the underpants, for the hernia surgery. I understand that's in the line of fire. But the hand and the knee, and of course, it's take everything off and, you know, get your asshole hanging out. Walk up and down the hall and look, I ain't Brad Pitt, but I can tell you this anonymous ass crack is a lot better than, hey, man, show ass crack. It's a little weird. Like, people go, you know, I'm not a big celebrity, but people recognize me and go, hey, it's that guy. And then they go, hey, that's the back of a scrotum. Awesome. That's what it looks like. Get a little picture of that on my flip phone and tweet that out tonight. So it's weird. And the only thing that makes it worse is when you're then coming out of it and you're in the room, and you're in the recovery room and the guy hands you your blue bag that has all your belongings in it and says, you can get dressed now and your wife will walk you out to the car. And when he's handing you the blue bag, he says, oh, oh, you can take your gown off and just keep your underpants on. And I said, minor pants are off. And he said, why? Because one of your buddies said, take everything off and get in the gown. And he said, oh, I would have let you keep your underpants on. So if you're ever thinking, how can this get worse? 2 hours of balls in the wind. It's when the dude, when you're getting dressed and ironically now having to put the underpants thread your fucking leg through. Oh, oh, I remember what it was. It was a nurse who had to help me get my midways back on because my knees all taped up and I can't bend it. And I'm coming off the anesthetic and I'm standing there and her job is, I don't leave the room and throw you your drawers. I stand here and hang on to you and get down on the floor and thread your leg through the thing. So as she's attempting to shimmy my underpants up again, trying to get them slid up under the fucking gown without the dork popping out this time. Gives me the. I would have let you keep these. Awesome. Can I be a 1 upper really bad, please? Kind of the same vein. When I was 18, I had a splenectomy. My spleen was taken out and you had to go pee after a certain amount of time or they were going to put in a catheter. And so this pretty nurse, pretty nurse is like, you got to get up and you got to go pee. And I'm in so much pain. I'm like, screw you, lady. Put the catheter in. And she says, okay. And she walks away. And this huge 6 foot 8, 250 pound black dude walks in, right? Says, are you ready for your catheter? I'm like, you're doing this. You had the nurse from the Fantastic Four or whatever that fucking movie was. And then, yeah, Bubba Smith came in to drop the catheter, right? Yeah, yeah. It's bad times. Yeah, There should be. I need to see a headshot of the person that Will be installing the catheter. Just one of those zed cards. Models have weight cup size, you know. Right, exactly. Because if I knew, I would have gotten up to pee. Well, you know what you should have done? You should have contacted my good friends over at Legal Zoom.
