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- [00:01]
A
Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway. Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya. So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up. Fees may apply. Tired of juggling sales tools or spending hours on prospecting just to book a few meetings? Meet Apollo, the go to market platform
- [00:37]
B
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- [00:44]
A
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- [01:14]
B
Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to hear any of the full episodes played today, make sure to check out Adam Carolla substack AdamCorolla substack.com There you'll find the complete, uncensored Adam Carolla show archives ad free. Along with the archives, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the new podcast Beat It Out. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorl.com all right,
- [01:39]
A
let's get to the clips coming up.
- [01:41]
B
First we have Adam Carla show 933 with actor Lake Bell, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. Lake's a huge gearhead, thinks a familial connection. She has a bunch of stuff. She was on Carcast. She really gets along with Adam. It's a fun episode. Hope you guys enjoy.
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A
Good day, Allison Rose.
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C
Hello, Adam Carolla.
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A
Good day, Bald Bryan. Dude, I brought my little sonny bunny with me today. We were watching football over at Kimmel's theater. Actually went over to his theater. Cousin Sal, set us up over there, had a nice time. Maybe he'll come in and say hi. At some point you got to ease
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B
a kid like that into football like that, in that environment because he's gonna think that everyone watches games like that.
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A
Yeah, it was pretty funny because they were up on the third floor and as we were walking up the stairs. I just heard cousin Sal yell as loud as he could possibly yell.
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D
Fuck.
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A
Dallas lost by, like, two points and just the loudest. Echoey as fuck rang out throughout the
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C
holes For Whom the fucked holes.
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A
Yes. As we're just. He couldn't see our heads peek up above the stairs yet. We're just coming up the long cement stairwell and showed the loudest F bomb. Sonny, you have a good time over there?
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D
Yeah.
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A
Yeah. What'd you do? What'd you like?
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D
The part when. When they. When the guy did a flip over the guy.
- [03:05]
A
Oh, Reggie, Reggie. When the guy bumped into him and then bumped into him. Yeah, yeah. What's your catchphrase? We asked him what. I. I asked him what his ringtone was, and he shouted it right out. Didn't even hesitate. That's a waste of my time.
- [03:20]
D
It's just a waste of my time.
- [03:23]
A
All right, let's try it one more time, Sonny. A little more energy. Here we go. That's wasting my time. That's a waste of my time. All right, now, Sonny, I'll tell you what Daddy does when he does his. Yeah. His voiceover. Try not to interrupt. When he does his voiceover work. Three times in a row. All different. Yeah, yeah. Three different times. That's a waste of my time. But do it all differently. You ready? Here we go. Fast one, slow one, and then one with pathos. That's a waste of my time. Okay, that's good. That's a waste of my time. Yeah, the last one. That's a waste of my time. All right. With a question mark. I like that.
- [04:03]
C
Three very different feels.
- [04:08]
B
I'll be out of a job soon. Turn his mic off.
- [04:10]
A
Nice job, buddy. All right, pot him down, Sonny. Help yourself to a delicious diet soda.
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C
Mangria.
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A
And a Mangria, please. Keep your hands off the vehicles, please.
- [04:22]
B
Did he ask when the Chargers were playing?
- [04:24]
A
Couple things. I had this. But by the way, speaking of. Yeah. That's why Dawson got banned from Kimmel's. Well, that and he put, I don't know, jack cheese in a cannoli or something.
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B
I can't remember the calzone.
- [04:36]
A
In a calzone.
- [04:37]
B
I don't want to get in the middle of that.
- [04:38]
A
I did. I had an embarrassing, semi embarrassing moment that rivaled that, which was I was on stage at Juliet Joliet in Illinois outside of Chicago a night ago, night and a half ago. And I was at the end of the show, and it was like this thing where I was like. It was great, big audience, great Great looking theater. I mean this theater was. You can see the outside of the Rialto Theater and when you see the inside, it's like, oh my God, like, what universe do I deserve to play a theater this nice? And. And at the end there's a shot at the inside of the theater.
- [05:19]
C
The Phantom of the Opera should be performed there.
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A
Yeah, really just ornate and beautiful and you know, it's on my rider. I only play the theaters with the Negro balconies because I'm old school and you know, I didn't know that you
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C
could have them erect one if there's not one already there.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
- [05:34]
A
And again, it doesn't have to be permanent. Just some plywood and scaffolding. There's me and J. Joe standing in front if you want to go to AdamCroll.com and see. But you can see what a beautiful theater J. Joe is. And just look at the ceiling of that place. And I don't know much about the history of the Negro balcony. I don't know if it's, you know, old timey or it started after they started yelling at the screen or it was something that predated that. You know, maybe that's why they held the screen. Well, that's what I'm. Oh, they're so far away. Oh my God. Right? I think you may have gotten. I see. I thought they got put back because they were yelling at the screen too much.
- [06:10]
B
Get Knock and Gladwell on this. We have to find out why.
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A
We gotta find out. It's a good point. See, I thought they just moved him back cuz like, listen, you're giving away too much of the plot.
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B
No, they were. There were as well behaved as the rest of us.
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A
But they're in the back.
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B
Don't you think the actress is a little.
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A
Couldn't be reached from this high altitude
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B
like the rest of us?
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A
Very interesting. Yeah, we gotta. We get to get the bottom of this. Yeah, let's get Gladwell and the guys from Freakonomics on this. So beautiful theater. Here's how I got embarrassed. I said I was doing it. I was getting a little inspirational at the end. And I said, now I know you guys will be watching football tomorrow. This was Saturday night. I said, Sunday, you'll be watching football. I said, who are your Bears playing? Bears are having a pretty good season and there's 1400 people in there. And I heard a sort of irons, you know, and I was like. I remember thinking to myself, is it Lions? Bucks? Like who? I didn't, I didn't remember who, but it was somebody. I didn't know who it was. It was somebody in my mind. So I was like, so when you're watching your Bears play, you're cheering them to victory. And then, yes, I went on for 10 minutes about it. And. And then after the show, I said, who are the Bears playing? Because I couldn't. It's a bye week. People are saying bye. It's a bye. But a collective. You know, when 900 people say bye simultaneously, it's really sounds like a team name. And you do tend to struggle with your sexuality. But I was like, I. I couldn't figure it out. And I didn't want to stop and go, like, hold on, hold on, hold on. One person. What was. Who is the.
- [07:40]
C
You didn't want to do a villa rugosa at the convention?
- [07:43]
A
Try it again. Right. So that was fun. Cleveland. Nice was in Cleveland. And Joliet in Philly. All good times. Couple things. Had this moment when I was flying back from Philly this morning when I was thinking about, you know, I get obsessed with everything. A couple things. One is, you know, I'm obsessed with the tampering, with disabling and destroying and how, you know, unnecessarily long, that is with the smoke detector. And first they say, you know, you have to obey all lit placards. So good, done. And then they go, it's a no smoking flight. And they go, okay, done again. And then they go, tampering with, disabling. But then I thought, when they're talking about the emergency exits, they go, the four. There's a four and an aft emergency exit. And I thought, how many folks here were midshipmen? Like, how many of the chicks on this plane know what aft is? Fewer than half aft than aft, I would say. And fore and aft. And yes, you get the gist. That one is in front of the wing and the other's behind the wing. But in a world filled with extra words. And we're talking about emergency exits now. We're not talking about smoking in the head. Let's go ahead and say the one behind the wing or the emergency exit.
- [09:03]
C
Front and front and back would be fine.
- [09:05]
A
Behind the wing, there's not a lot of aft. No guy ever says, boy, your aft is really getting fat, sweetie. Or, you see, and I wanna tap that.
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C
I've tapped that aft.
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A
There's no blues song called let me be your aft doorman or not. No, just. It's back. I want my aft back ribs or my aft ribs. My time. Yeah. Why all of a sudden the economy of fucking verbiage. Now with the emergency, I'd say, why the highfalutin. Yes, that's right. That's right. They love to get a little cool on you with the fore and aft. And they'll go. And they will say, they'll go. There's an emergency door located before the wing for people seated aft. And the aft emergency is like, why aft? And why would you think us dumb Americans know anything about fucking military or ship talk?
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C
Right. It's insane, actually.
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A
And yeah, and this is kind of important, so take a couple of the syllables you've been wasting on the fucking useless smoke thing detector and go ahead and say back or behind.
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C
I wonder if they even know what it means. I mean, I'm sure there was some quiz they had to pass.
- [10:12]
A
I would love to get all the clippers together and find out if they know what clippers. What a clipper is. I'd like to get all the 49ers together and get the. See if I could learn the history of the 49ers. And I'd like to get all the gay stewardesses together and see if we could find out what aft meant.
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B
There you go again with the syllables. Just stewardesses.
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A
Adam. Yes, stewardess.
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C
There was some game that I played at the horrible summer camp I went to that involved. It was like Red Rover, but it involved all the different. Like star. Starboard. Starburst. Star. What is the. There's a starship.
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E
Something.
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C
Yes. It involved the different ship directions. Did anyone else put starboard poop deck, AKA aft.
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A
Poop deck and the cockpit have both been replaced, I get the feeling. Right, so poop deck might still be a thing aft. No. Time to save syllables now. All right. Also, couple other thoughts from the weekend. So here I am. Tell me what you guys think of this and tell me what you think of this policy, because I've never come up with this. I never thought about this. I was sitting in first class. It was about a five hour flight back from Philly this morning and flying US Air. So there's no tv, no monitors of any kind, no anything. Like there's.
- [11:30]
C
How can that even be an option
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A
these days on a five hour flight? Like I was looking for the place to plug the headphone jack in and that did not exist. Like, it's like we have nothing. There's nothing that comes.
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C
Meditation.
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A
Air.
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B
The ashtrays are sealed shut.
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A
Yeah, there's nothing.
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B
I've seen that recently, by the way, the ashtrays that used to have just Sealed check.
- [11:47]
A
Why not? I'm sitting in my seat and I got the two people sitting. It's just two seats on each side and they're the big wide seats and the person next to me sleeping. And there's a big gap between the two seats in front of me, like a good eight inches of daylight. And I'm sitting against the window and there's a woman who has her tray down and her big laptop, like the 18incher laptop, like folded open, thin apple laptop with the, you know, high def screen. And she's just combing through, you know, Newsweek and People Online and all that kind of stuff. And I just find myself listening to my headphones. I don't have a computer. Just sort of looking through the crack between the two things and reading basically over date nights when I show my love language. Cheese. The OM Cheeseburger at Applebee's is back with even more cheese served on a sizzling skillet of the meltiest, creamiest cheesiness of your dreams. Mmm. I love you, Cheese. Head to your nearest Applebee's to try the even cheesier om cheeseburger for 11.99 or on the 2 for 25. Menu. Dine in only for a limited time. Price and participation varies. No substitutions offer. Valid per person, per order, per shoulder. At the. You know what's going on in People magazine? Well, at some point she hops onto a website. The website is called Dental Town. Okay. And this is Dental Town.
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C
Dental Town.
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A
And I'm assuming she's a hygienist or a dentist or something. And at some point she just starts scrolling through this thing and I don't know if she typed up gingivitis or stuff to make Adam yak up his three cheese omelet or what it was, but she starts looking at pictures on Dental Town. And I mean diseased, you know, hobo, you know, you know, super reconstructive, you know, X rays and search results. I mean. So she starts combing down through this thing and I'm now looking at an 18 inch wide picture of the blackened stuff with the, with this, you know, with the disease and the. Now I can't, I can't help but look. I cannot help but look at it and we'll find you a picture or two of it. And I don't remember what her searching was. All right, but the point is, if you go to Dental Town, there's message boards on there.
- [14:19]
C
Apparently.
- [14:20]
A
Yes, there's message boards and you like log in and you put in decay or receding gum lines. Now all of a sudden, there's these pictures. I'm fixated on these pictures. But it is grotesque. I mean, it is nausea. I'm sleep deprived. I've had a couple of cocktails. I'm trying to eat my oatmeal, and I'm seeing through this big crack. I can't put my head. I don't know what to do with my head. I can't stop. It's either. Look at the leather seat in front of me. And every five seconds I have to glance over and look at. It's like a car accident. And these are. If you don't find them, you don't find the pictures. But some of the most. Just grotesque, bizarre, you know, it's just, you know, really what? You know, blood on the bands. You know, like, not blood on the bands, that's Berger, but like, blood on the asphalt would be to a drive train. Like, as if you just went and took pictures of hobos before you did oral surgery on them. And I was just sitting there going, like. And she was on it the whole GD flight. And I said to the stewardess, I said, listen, if I popped up some porn on my computer, you would tell me to put it away, right? Because that would be, you know, it'd be sort of bleeding into other people's checking.
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C
Because you wanted to.
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A
Sugar tits. Listen, hypothetical. Strictly hypothetical. But I was like, if I. If I. If I popped on the porn, there'd be an issue with that, would there not? And she's like, yeah, there'd be an issue with that. And then I thought. And I said, well, isn't then there. And is there an issue with this? Because this is for most people, more offensive or at least more difficult to look at. And then I sort of opened up the thing of, what can you show and what can't you show?
- [16:12]
C
Right? Like, if you were a CSI person, could you be looking at crime scene photos?
- [16:17]
A
There was a. There was a scene in Manhunter, I believe, when he was on an airplane looking at some grisly pictures and, like, kind of dozed off. These were eight by tens. And someone, like, next to him in the seat found him or something like that. Remember the. Remember Manhunter?
- [16:33]
B
I do.
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A
Or whatever it was. But yes, I think we can all agree that if you wanted to look at hardcore porn on your computer, someone could tell you to shut it off. And if you wanted to see, you know, just a montage of people snuffing themselves with shotguns, they tell you to shut that off.
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C
Yes.
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A
And I'll bet you even if you wanted to see some R rated, you know, heavy duty R rated something, they might tell you to take it easy with that. So what could be worse than looking at people with receding diseased gums, missing teeth and I mean, this had everything from the weird X rays that had all the titanium posts and stuff in it to just the ones where they just opened up like a hippo and showed all the black gums. And I was like, frostbite on your gums and stuff like that. Now what am I supposed to do? I'm sitting back there, I got my headphones on, I'm listening to a little Graham Parker and I'm looking through the seat, but I don't have a screen or anything to look at. And I got a couple of beers in me and I'm a little sleep deprived. What can I do? I have to keep looking at this like, I cannot.
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C
It's like Clockwork Orange.
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A
Yes, that's exactly what it was.
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B
Hippos.
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A
Hippo mouth, like oak.
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B
That's a weird neighborhood in dental town.
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A
Hippo mouth.
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C
Yeah, it's a special kind of fetish site.
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A
So, yeah, I guess you have to. Now I'm.
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C
Wait, what do you think she was, though? Just a gum enthusiast.
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A
I was doing the, you know, I was doing the math. You have to be a member, by the way, to get all. And by the way, don't join. Do not join. Do not join.
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C
What would your name be though, if you did? I'd go with like bicuspid.
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A
Oh, God.
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B
Bicurious incisor one.
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A
Cuspid Curious.
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B
Incisor one was taken lingual.
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A
She was semi attractive in like her like 35. Seemed to have a little like Indian in her or something. So I definitely said, oh, she could be a dentist. You know, she had one of those nationalities where you could be a dentist. A chick and a dentist. You know, there's certain, there's certain things. Like if it was a white guy, I'd be like, oh, okay, he'd be a dentist. But this is like, you know, she was attractive chick, and if she was blonde, I'd be like, oh, she's a hygienist. But she had just enough pigment in her skin. Not too much, but just enough. Just enough to be a dentist. And I imagine she was just flying and doing a little homework, you know, that's probably the page she hangs out on, just chatting with other dentists about gum disease. But it was brutal. And. And then I don't know what it says about me like I should have just seen it. When I will now avert my gaze, I'll stare out the way, by the way, you understand, to my left is a porthole where I'm 33,000ft above the earth, and I'm staring at God's golf course, you understand? I'm just staring at billowy clouds and pillows and beautiful blue sky, Nature's magic shafts of light coming through, really. I'm looking at God's putting green like a religious bookmark, but 36 inches in front of me, that's the hobo disease mouse.
- [19:36]
C
I would not have been able to look away, even though I know. Even though I have a feeling on a flight, it would have made me nauseated. But I don't think I could look
- [19:43]
A
away because what would happen was, is she'd then click onto, like, something and start, you know, sharing, whatever, and then she'd shift back to the pictures and then back to the pictures again. And then she'd go on to, like, people in the air or something. And I'd be like, all right, she's on people. And then she'd go back to it again. And I just. I didn't know what to do with my fucking self. But, yes, I could have stared out the window at really, a view that only we and a few generations before us ever had, really on. All the time that man has been on Earth, only a few of us, really, a very small percentage of us, have really had this point of view, this vantage point. But I had to stare at all the filthy teeth that they would have been staring at in the Bronze Age.
- [20:28]
C
You've seen one cloud, you've seen them all. How many hobo teeth do you get to see?
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A
It's true. Also, speaking of, I don't know, this man and this woman, but for some reason, Deacon Jones, they did the 30. Oh, no, they did a football life. I watch 30 for 30. I watch a football life. And they did the fearsome foursome, the rams, Merlin Olson and Deacon Jones and Rosie Greer and I can't remember the other cat's name. And they did the Deacon Jones one where he goes upside a man's head. But they cut the woman.
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C
They did.
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A
They cut the woman out. That's the best part I know. All right. The breaking arms, maybe we should hear was the reality of the Deacon Jones head slap. The head slap was to do two purposes. One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, a extra step. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman. Then they have a tendency to blink their eyes or close their eyes. And that was all I knew. It's the greatest clip in NFL history.
- [21:28]
C
Why would they cut it out?
- [21:30]
A
Gee, I don't know. I don't know. They were trying to glorify the fears of force.
- [21:34]
B
The libs got their way again.
- [21:35]
A
That's right. Or a woman. Sonny was laughing his ass off because I forced everybody to watch that over at Jimmy's theater today. And I was doing the man or the Woman thing. And Sonny never stopped laughing. Sonny, did you. Did you enjoy the man or Woman? Yes, dad. Yeah.
- [21:55]
D
What are you talking about?
- [21:57]
A
Okay. All right. It's good. Good. There's a big scary man named Deacon Jones. He's the Minister of defense. Do you know him?
- [22:05]
C
You're trying that guy?
- [22:06]
A
Yeah, that guy. Yeah. Go upside the man or the woman's head. Spread the word. Tell Mommy. Okay, so, yeah, they cut that part out. They just. They just left the man's head. Would have been fun if they wouldn't have been funny if they just screwed it up, left the woman's head in. That'd be funny. Like they told the editor who didn't follow Spores, you gotta take out one of the head Slap. It's not. We can't show the other one. All right.
- [22:32]
B
Take out the one that's obviously insulting.
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A
And on PC, I found. When you go upside a woman's head.
- [22:38]
C
All right, what is his theater like?
- [22:41]
A
Well, this is. This is Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel Live. This is where Jimmy tapes his show. And we go upstairs to the, like, writer's lounge where they have all the TV monitors and spread it out up in there, order a few pizzas and brought a bottle of Mangria and got to town. By the way, cousin Sal, who does not drink. Does not drink.
- [23:11]
C
I would not have guessed that from all the stories.
- [23:13]
A
No, no. He's one of these guys who does insane things sober. Sort of like Ray. Although Ray can do insane things drunk and sober. Love the Mangria. Gave him the Mangria. Just splashed a little bit of orange juice in there. And all of a sudden it grew a set of tits. And Sal was into it. All right. Speaking of tits, Lake Bell. Love me some Lake Bell. Children's Hospital, Adult Swim. Lake's a serious car gal. And she actually does the automotive column in the Hollywood Reporter. We've had her on Carcast before. We're going to bring her in in just a second. Do we have that Hulk Hogan thing? Mike, this is another Thing I just noticed when I. I was just leaving, I was on the road all weekend and Hulk Hogan was on. Pierce bronze Piers Morgan. And there's Hulk, by the way. Hulk's 59 years of age. He's wearing sunglasses on top of his bandana inside a studio.
- [24:14]
B
It is matching both his shirt and the background.
- [24:17]
A
Yes, just what you want. And it struck me, I just walked by the TV set. I don't know if I was at an airport or walking into a hotel or whatever it was, but there was Hulk Hogan and there was this clip about him and his bootleg porn video and cheating on his wife and being busted. Cheating on his wife and having the tape get out on the Internet. And here's the 59 year old father of. I mean, he could be a grandfather at this point. He has adult children. Here's the Hulkster explaining how he felt about. Must be very humiliating.
- [24:50]
B
Have you ever been through anything quite like this?
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A
Actually, you have yourself having sex on
- [24:55]
B
a video that people are watching, especially
- [24:56]
A
in the Internet age.
- [24:58]
B
How do you feel about that?
- [24:59]
A
Never. And I've been through a lot of. Starting a lot of stuff, you know, with the federal government back in the 80s, the whole steroid controversy. I mean, you know, the divorce, the car wrecks. I've been through so much stuff, but never have I ever been this embarrassed. And never has my world been turned upside down in such a fashion. Okay. He's never been that embarrassed. I would argue he should have been. Right now is more embarrassing. He's got pippy long stocking hair.
- [25:25]
B
Oh, the car wrecks. You mean where his son almost killed a guy?
- [25:27]
A
Yeah. Has a mustache, smells of Clorox. Yeah. Your son, I don't know, guy's paralyzed or something because he wrapped his Supra around a palm tree. You're knocking on the door of 60. You're wearing a Deion Sanders durag he wore under his helmet when he played for the Cowboys. You have the Oakley blades on above it. You're in. It's Bret Michaels look, studio douchebag. You have this sort of black scruff with the bleached Clorox thing. And you're wearing a retarded T shirt that like snowboarders with learning disabilities would wear.
- [26:06]
C
Ed Hardy turned that design down.
- [26:08]
A
Yes. Would you explain you've never been this embarrassed? And also, nice job at the interview. Have you ever done a bootleg porn before? Like that was released on the Internet? No, I haven't. Not even in the 60s? No, I haven't. How about the roaring 20s? Yes, I have a wagon train of bootleg porn. Yes. Everyone has done dozens and dozens, by the way. First off, Piers, once you get a couple dozen porn movies under your belt, you're in pornography. You're no longer a wrestler. Has anything like this ever happened to you before?
- [26:42]
C
Ron Jeremy?
- [26:43]
A
Millions of times. You just do. You're doing a horrible job of researching this interview. Yes. There's actually Pierce. There's one of me and you. You just don't know it. You're that bad at an interviewer, you know what happened.
- [26:54]
C
Has anyone had more than one sex tape accidentally leak out?
- [26:59]
B
It's happening soon. I don't.
- [27:01]
A
I don't think of note. I mean, like I said. Yeah, eventually you become a porn star. It's sort of like you back over a bum. That's manslaughter. Hit a kid crossing the street. Now you've got two. But, you know, once that body counts, you eventually become a murderer.
- [27:22]
C
Right.
- [27:22]
A
You're not just a bad driver. Yeah. All right, what do we got? Ah, let's see. We're gonna be in a Irvine Improv this Wednesday. Brian Callan, super funny. Brian Callen's gonna be there. I think we'll be. We'll have some Mangria for sale over there for those who've been clamoring for it. Somebody was tweeting me about. Also. Alison Rosen is your new best friend. New episode available on itunes and our app.
- [27:49]
C
Duncan Trussell, comedian, former lover of Natasha Leggero.
- [27:54]
A
Ooh, spinner. All right, so look forward to that. AlisonRosen, by the way, dot com is where you go and you can get the app, like I said, on itunes and so forth.
- [28:08]
B
Yes, Brian, I was at Anderson's wedding this weekend.
- [28:09]
A
Oh, yes, Anderson.
- [28:11]
B
It's a good time. We were missed.
- [28:13]
A
Who the fuck would marry Anderson?
- [28:15]
B
She's really sweet and really pretty. It's shocking.
- [28:18]
A
God. Yeah.
- [28:21]
B
Drew was there. Psycho Mike. Mike Catherwood from Loveline was there. Simone was there.
- [28:25]
A
From Loveliness.
- [28:26]
B
Producer Ann was there.
- [28:27]
A
Anderson was one of the. Well, is the basically engineer for Loveline. Anderson was. Was. For many years.
- [28:34]
B
I call him Board Up. It enrages him, but yes.
- [28:37]
A
Good, good, good. Yeah, Always combative.
- [28:40]
B
It was a fun time, though. Is it the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo?
- [28:43]
A
Oh, really?
- [28:43]
B
Very pink. Ever been?
- [28:45]
A
Yeah, never stayed there. Just like driving through. Always going to Laguna Seca, going to the track, eating breakfast there, whatever. Yeah, it's. It's kind of. It's kind of like one of those. I don't know. It's like the Batmobile. Better. Best seen from a distance. It was.
- [29:02]
B
I mean, it was like. It was. It felt like a lot of the things at Disneyland, like big thunder mountain railroad and all that. A lot of rock. It was very ornate. It was very attention to detail. They didn't skimp. Wasn't cheap. You know, like hotel is not a cheap place.
- [29:13]
A
But it's sort of. We. It's sort of. They did a good job in 77 on this place.
- [29:18]
B
It's super kitschy.
- [29:18]
C
I think that's trying to assess whether it's kitschy nice or kitschy dumpy.
- [29:22]
A
It's kitschy weird. It's kitschy. You don't have to go there. It's kitschy. You're over to kitschy almost immediately. Oh, now Natalia's here. She wants to say. Oh, she wants to say a couple of words as well. Natalia want to say hi. Talking to the microphone.
- [29:39]
C
Hi.
- [29:39]
A
Hi. How are you, sweetie? Did you miss your daddy when he was gone?
- [29:44]
C
Yeah.
- [29:44]
A
Can I see your new boots? How much did daddy pay for those new boots? Mommy got a matching pair.
- [29:52]
D
They're on sale.
- [29:53]
A
On sale. Right.
- [29:54]
C
Natalia lost a tooth.
- [29:56]
A
Oh, she lost a couple of front teeth. Yeah. That's what you get when you crack y's to daddy. I said get me a cold one, not a lukewarm one. That's a waste of my time. Now, Natalia, you and mommy are going to pick up sonny and head home. Food. I got plenty of food in my car. Get the food out of my car.
- [30:16]
F
You might go to Halloween store.
- [30:18]
A
No, no, no, no, no, you don't. What are you gonna be for Halloween, Natalia?
- [30:21]
C
Katy Perry.
- [30:22]
A
Katy Perry. All right. Didn't we already buy you a Halloween outfit? No. No. You came home with an outfit. No, you had an outfit. You had a Halloween outfit like three weeks ago. Like Jasmine. Yeah, like Jasmine. You were Jasmine. But then I changed my mind. Changed your mind? Yeah. So she's telling me she needs one Halloween outfit for school and then another one for trick or treating. Because God forbid you get caught twice in the same jasmine.
- [30:52]
C
She doesn't want to end up on a worst dressed Halloween list.
- [30:54]
A
Right. So you got Jasmine, right? We already bought you that one. Right. So why aren't you going as Jasmine this year?
- [31:05]
D
I don't know.
- [31:06]
A
You want to go as Katy Perry? Yeah, because Jasmine didn't cost daddy enough money.
- [31:12]
D
No.
- [31:12]
A
No. And what's a Katy Perry song? California girls. Uh huh.
- [31:20]
D
I'm gonna be one of them from that song.
- [31:23]
A
Oh, that's sweet. Your future's Now Cemented. How's the song go? I'm not gonna tell you, okay? Cause you don't like it when Daddy sings with you when he's skipping his rope, do you? All right, sweetie. I'm gonna let you go. Mommy, there's a bunch of food in my car. I took it from Jimmy's place. No need to buy new food. I got old food. Delicious old food.
- [31:50]
C
It sounds good. Just the description.
- [31:53]
A
Delectable.
- [31:54]
C
Warm. Little congealed.
- [31:56]
A
Oh, look at it.
- [31:56]
C
Cheese that has sweat on it.
- [31:58]
A
First baseman's mitt that's been nicely broke. Smells of mink oil. Dad parked the Buick on it overnight. All right, kids. Godspeed. All right, where the hell were we? Ah. LendingTree. Oh, you need some money. Holidays are coming up, aren't they? Yeah, sure are. You want to save some money? Want to put some money in your pocket? Where do you Start? I say LendingTree, they can help you. Mortgage rates, historic lows, 3.125. That's almost Reina. No, that's under three and a half. Under three and a half? APR refinancing your home could save you hundreds a month. You can try, and you should. Visit trylendingtreat.com they work with over 200 lenders. They get you the best deal. There's nothing in it for them. They deal with the banks. You deal with them. You don't pay them anything. They save you money. They make their money from the banks. So it's free for you. And you can get yourself a mortgage guide. A free mortgage guide, which you need, but you got to let them know you heard it from me. Ace. So you enter Ace for your free mortgage guide. That's T R Y lendingtree.com Try lendingtree.com Dawson. Terms and conditions apply. Visit www.lendingtree.com for details. LendingTree. NMLS license number 11361312 Village Creek Drive, Suite 900, Plano, TX 75093. Wow. Dawson.
- [33:23]
C
Can I refinance the apartment I rent?
- [33:25]
A
Yeah, go ahead.
- [33:26]
C
I'm do it.
- [33:27]
A
What a nice trick.
- [33:28]
B
I'd be your landlord. Good news.
- [33:30]
C
Surprise.
- [33:31]
A
All right, let's see. Anything else to complain about? Yes.
- [33:35]
B
Brian, wrap up the Anderson, because there was a weird situation where I thought of you guys. I think you both are rubbing off on me because this is not something
- [33:43]
C
I would normally do.
- [33:44]
B
No, I know. I could hear you. But there was a devil and a devil on my shoulder. One named Allison and one named Adam. We got to the front desk and every room at the Don in is themed. You get Your exact room you serve. We had the Highway Suite. But every room is, you know, a specific room that's found out the hard way, unfortunately. So we get up there and it's
- [34:03]
A
like, wow, rules are rules. Jesus. You understand I'm on chemo. Rules are rules.
- [34:09]
B
Well, who am I to argue with the rules?
- [34:11]
A
It hurts more when you fight.
- [34:14]
B
So I got the front desk, it's one o', clock, and we're gonna check in. Like, oh, your room won't be ready till 2:45. The guy hasn't checked out yet. Like, oh, all right.
- [34:21]
A
Well, we'll come back one in the
- [34:23]
B
afternoon weddings at four. We'll come back and we'll have just enough time to get ready. And we come back at 2:45. And they're like, there's a situation with your room. Like, okay. And they're like, the guy who was there last night, he thought he was there for two nights. There was a miscommunication. So we have a comparable room for you. We'll put you in a different room, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, I know you. I know you reserved. They way overestimated my glee over the room. We know you reserved this one room. And I look at Christy and we'd had this conversation on the way up, which was we had an up late drinking the night before. She had a London flight today. The next day, in the morning, which she had to zoom back early from San Luis Obispo to lax. On top of that, I'm like, we can get them to just give us our money back and we can get out of here tonight. That'd be kind of nice, right? Because I know that's exactly what you both would have done.
- [35:08]
A
You for sure.
- [35:09]
B
And I said, all right, listen, listen, I'm not happy about this, but we will take our money back if you want to give it to us, and we'll. No harm, no foul. You can have your room. The guy can stay and we'll just. And they'll go, Let me check my manager. Going back to the manager. And they let us out of our thing for the night. Normally, I would have stayed and party the night away, but it was like, I can't do it.
- [35:28]
C
I would have done that even if the room was available.
- [35:31]
A
Have you guys had this one happen a lot? Or you show up and you're like, can I get my room? And they're like, yeah, they're just making it up now to be about 20 minutes, half an hour, and you go, all right, come back, like, half hour yeah, they need another. And it's like they're just changing out the towels and changing out the comforter, like.
- [35:49]
C
Yeah. What happened in there?
- [35:50]
A
Going in there, would you, for Christ's sake. Like, it wasn't one of a Pete Berg film from the late 90s where they kill the hooker, was it? Like, just go swap the fucking towels out and let me in there. And also I always feel like they're not doing. I feel like nine out of 10 times whether they're working on your car, working on the room, they're not really doing it because they go. You go like it's one o'. Clock. And they go like, yeah, you can get it in about three. And you go like you're on it. It's gonna take two hours.
- [36:17]
C
Put that sash around the toilet.
- [36:19]
A
Right.
- [36:19]
C
Come on.
- [36:20]
A
Miss that.
- [36:21]
B
I did appreciate the chutzpah of the guy who wouldn't leave his room. I do like that room.
- [36:27]
A
Yeah.
- [36:28]
B
Can't get me out.
- [36:29]
A
Yeah, not going to that off ramp room. Not going to that overhead pass room. Not going. All right, we will take ourselves a quickie break. Lake bell. Beautiful fetching lake. And also into the speed. Yeah, maybe we'll take a phone call, then we'll bring like in. Someone's been on hold for a while. Junior. Yes, sir? What's going on? Oh, not much, man. My only question was, I'm just, I'm, you know, a new boss, if you will, and I'm running into a lot of problems with this younger generation where you tell them something and it's like a personal attack on him. Yeah, well, again, it's, you know, all the participation trophy generation and everything and everyone's turning to a puss and no one can take constructive criticism. And lo and behold, they do these. Now they're doing all these things and it turns out a little bit of grit goes a long way. That's a waste of my time. Yeah. I don't know. Making everyone feel great about everything all the time is not what you call a character builder. And. And it would be great, like I understand it if you find out that your kid has leukemia and they're just not gonna see the 11th grade. In which case feel free to blow as much fucking sunshine up their ass as you possibly can before they bite it.
- [37:52]
C
Cuz the rest of us aren't gonna ever have to deal with them, right?
- [37:55]
A
Mainly. But if you're gonna go out in the real world and they do sort of, they check. I mean, they test. I mean, they do it one way or the Other, I mean, whether it's physically looking at your scores or just seeing how you perform or whatever, the businesses will keep the people that make them money and get rid of the ones that don't make the money. And if you're a pain in the ass, they'll get rid of you. Unless you have a brain tumor and they feel sorry for you. But for the most part, your hash will be settled in the real world. So why not set the person up for what they're going to experience in the real world? The real world does not do what we do in the school system does and the counselors do and all the doting parents do. It is fairly harsh. It's harsh like nature is harsh. Like, look, if you're the slowest running zebra, you're going to get picked off by a cheetah. That's just it. Now, we could convince the slowest zebra that it was the fastest, but that's not really doing it a service, because once you leave the confines of the game ward, you're gonna get picked off.
- [39:04]
C
I'm having flashbacks of doing some kind of yard dash, 50 yard. I don't know what it was, some timed race thing in PE when I was a kid. And there's a photo. We were on the blue team or the gold team. I was on the gold team.
- [39:16]
A
There's a photo of all the blue or regular blue.
- [39:19]
C
It was dark blue. They're all the regular kid, the regular kids, like, near the finish line. And then there's me and I'm like this blob in my dolphin shorts and orange gold shirt, just huffing.
- [39:33]
A
It's a lot to put in a caption in an yearbook.
- [39:36]
C
I know, right? Like, so far behind them, I look a fat Cheeto.
- [39:41]
A
But it was fine. Like, I mean, we understood immediately, like, what we were good at, what we weren't good at. And. But the personal feelings part is another thing of everyone rapping. Well, here's what it is. It's narcissism. It's pure and simple narcissism, which is, oh, you fired me because you don't like me. I don't know you. I don't want to know you. I fired you because I'm running a business and I'm trying to make money and you're not helping me make money. That's part two of this horrible. It's the other side of the world's shittiest playing card, which is side one is all this entitlement shit, and then the side two is all this narcissism stuff where it's like, you, me, the world. There's too many people. No one really gives a shit about you personally. They just want to make their money off you and get the job done. And if you're getting the job done, they love you. And if you're not getting the job done, they probably don't. But the idea that you've had to turn everything. And we're doing this on a micro and macro level, we're doing it in the election. We're doing it. And, you know, this guy hates this, and this candidate hates big business. And this candidate, he hates women. You know, he hates women. You know, it's like, all right, he doesn't believe in free birth control. He hates women. Like, he doesn't hate women. Why does everything get. Everything has to get turned into. He's against this. He hates that. He hates. Everything gets into like he hates. They hate this. They hate American workers, they hate women.
- [41:13]
B
It's a war on.
- [41:13]
A
It's a war on.
- [41:15]
B
War on the wealth.
- [41:16]
A
Yeah, it's war. It's an attack. Everything is so. Everything has to be so personal. It's not. And that's not the way the world is. The world. The sad. Really, the most humbling thing about the world for all you young kids is it doesn't give a shit about you. It doesn't need you. It was here before you were here. It'll be here long after you're here. And your job is to navigate your way through it without pissing off too many people. Have checkbooks.
- [41:40]
B
That's a good lesson for you kids.
- [41:42]
A
Little shits.
- [41:43]
B
Get a brain tumor.
- [41:44]
A
Get a brain tumor. That's right. I'll never let you go.
- [41:46]
B
I'll never let you go.
- [41:47]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Because that's why Brian knows.
- [41:50]
B
That's right.
- [41:50]
A
Because I say Brian, like twice a week, how's that brain tumor doing? And he goes, doing good. I go, really? Because the front door. Well, good for today.
- [41:58]
B
And I go, you know, it's a ticking time bomb.
- [42:01]
A
All right, all right. Let's see. Lake Bell. Yes. Let's take a quick break, shall we? Quick break. Back with the beautiful Lake Bell next. Yeah. Welcome back, Lake Bell. Lake, we've had in the studio talking about cars. Now we're going to talk a little children's hospital. Good to see you, Lake.
- [42:21]
F
Good to see you. Good to see you. Thanks for having me back.
- [42:24]
A
I love the fact that you're Gearhead. And by the way, I should tell everyone website if you want to check out children's hospital adultswim.com children's hospital. And you can tweet her at lakebell. What is your automotive history like?
- [42:42]
F
Well, it. You know, I can't take credit for it just as like. And that's not just my interest because of nothing. It was because my dad. My dad, Harvey Siegel, owns race car tracks, and he was an amateur racer his whole life. He was a collector. I mean, it was always, you know, he threw me in crazy cars. We had a. We had a Ford GT40 in the. In the parking, like, in our garage that we never. That he never touched and we can never, like, breathe near.
- [43:06]
A
But he doesn't own that car anymore.
- [43:09]
F
No, no, Just recent. But I'm Kiana, and I leveled up
- [43:13]
C
my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so EAS easy to use. It's like, I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free trial@shopify.com Queres Mejor Internet Cox Internet. The tresientas megas tiene las velocidades rapidas
- [43:46]
A
e com fiables que buscas perfecto para streaming e gaming y TRA bajardes de casa todo por solo quarente cinco dolores almes con do gregas Cox mobile include a keyboard wi fi y guarantia deprecio de dos anos en tu plan nues pere cambia te hoy a Cox mobile. Giggle.
- [44:10]
F
That's the thing.
- [44:10]
A
It's like, oh, just recently.
- [44:11]
F
Oh, good.
- [44:12]
A
So he made money.
- [44:13]
F
Yeah, he made money, but I think it's also like.
- [44:15]
A
Like 2 million bucks.
- [44:16]
F
I mean, I don't want to talk about it.
- [44:17]
A
Yeah, like 2 million bucks.
- [44:18]
F
But I don't know.
- [44:19]
A
Maybe a lot. Yeah, a lot.
- [44:21]
F
But he had a lot of car. He had a lot of, like, Shelby Cobras, and he had. Yeah, he was like a Ford dude. And then Vir came up. It was an. It was a historic track. 1974 is when it sort of went.
- [44:34]
A
Virginia International Raceway.
- [44:35]
F
Yeah, Vir. And it was closed down, grown over. Dad bought it, but he bought it
- [44:41]
A
because Matt Damon movie isn't it, and bought a racetrack. How does it go with mom? Like, I want to buy a racetrack. Sounds really, like, in the selfish. Well, I like buying a boat is a tough sell, like, for A wife. But buying a racetrack, that seems like a really tall order.
- [44:57]
F
Well, wait a minute. Because he's. He is a real estate developer, so it makes sense. You know, he was an amateur racer. He was a collector. It was a good amalgamation. Amalgamation of those two ideas.
- [45:07]
A
Right.
- [45:07]
F
You know, so it made sense. And it's a beautiful. I mean, Vir, I don't know if you've been there, but it's beautiful.
- [45:13]
A
No, I've seen.
- [45:14]
F
It's like a space of land, regal,
- [45:16]
A
you know, there's something very visceral about putting a kid in a car and just punching it. Having that feeling of being pinned up against the back of the seat used to be a lot more dangerous. I mean, doing it. One of your dad's Cobras. But still, that's a memory that stays with a young gal.
- [45:33]
F
It is. And, you know, I remember both times that my stepmother was pregnant. We were. I feel like he planned this. We were in New Jersey at our. We have a. Like a country. Like a little farmhouse in Jersey. And both times when she was going into labor, we were there. So it meant that Dad's like, I guess we're gonna have to get in the car and drive like maniacs back into New York. Both times. Both times she was like. Like, I remember the whole, like, Lamont. Terrifying for a kid. You're like, oh, my God, this woman's dying. And dad was driving, like. Like, police escort problem. Like, getting pulled over. We got a. We got a flat tire one time because he was going so hard. He was like, you know, like, dad,
- [46:14]
A
why are you driving? What was he driving? Do you remember? Yeah, it was.
- [46:17]
F
I remember. I can't remember the earliest one because I was really young. But the second one was a Range Rover. And he was like, one of the first dudes who had a range in the city. It was really. It was like when they first came.
- [46:28]
A
Yeah, man.
- [46:29]
F
It got stolen, like, right away, by the way. We had cars stolen all the time. Like 80s, you know, new York City car.
- [46:38]
A
It's weird. Cause I feel like cars used to get stolen a lot. Hubcaps would get stolen a lot. Rims would get stolen a lot. Stereos would get stolen a lot. They would take seats out of cars. Like, they would do a lot of that.
- [46:51]
B
Wasn't there a thing where people take hood ornaments, too? Like the Mercedes Benz hood ornaments?
- [46:54]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah. Hood ornaments.
- [46:56]
F
But what do you do with that?
- [46:56]
B
Like, the Beastie Boys put it around your neck.
- [46:59]
A
Yeah, just like the whole.
- [47:00]
F
But not. I mean, I understand.
- [47:01]
A
Like a Mercedes Benz and the rest of the Jews. Not just the Beastie Boys. Let's not forget the rest of the Jews. And now they. Obviously, the Rolls Royce has the one that dips down into the grill. Have you seen that? You actually hit a button and it just disappears.
- [47:16]
B
Oh, really? No, I've not seen that.
- [47:18]
A
It goes. Yeah, they Beastie Boy. They Jew proofed it. Yeah, Occasional schmartz. Occasional. So sorry. Where were we? Children's Hospital. Yes.
- [47:29]
F
We were giving birth in Range Rovers.
- [47:32]
A
Right.
- [47:32]
F
But Children's Hospital.
- [47:33]
C
So both of them were born in the hospital, though.
- [47:35]
F
They both were. We did stop in. I remember we got a flat tire. And I remember dad driving on the shoulder erratically. And I was like, what? You know, like, he's driving on the shoulder. He's like, no, that's my lane. Like, that was his lane. Yeah. He was like, that's the lane. That's for me. I always thought that I was like, the shoulders, Harvey.
- [47:51]
A
Sealed. So how. How do you get into acting from this crazy background?
- [47:56]
F
I think because it was. My parents were divorced. There was, you know, like, the divorce. And I'd be like, hey, laugh at this. Look at me laughing at this. You know.
- [48:04]
A
Sure.
- [48:05]
F
And then it would be a source of, like, trying to make everyone laugh or not think you're just procrastinating to go to bed. It was just. I always wanted to be an actor since I was a kid. But the driving thing, I didn't know I was a car enthusiast until later in life.
- [48:17]
A
How's the Hollywood Reporter test drive thing working out for you? How often do you do that?
- [48:23]
F
I do it like. I mean, it's pretty good, I'd say. I do every two months, every month,
- [48:29]
A
give you a car, you drive it around, write a column on it.
- [48:32]
F
Yeah, you write it. You know, anecdotal kind of fun thing, you know, it's not like I'm a actual car, you know, car reporter. It's that as I speak to the experience and you know, how I. How it sort of plays into my life. But it's not like, you know, I mean, I've learned more about the sort of innards of cars and performance of cars from that.
- [48:52]
A
It's weird, though, for the company, because the company gives you a free car to drive around for two weeks and then possibly you talk shit about it. Right?
- [48:59]
F
Possibly. But that is. I mean, isn't that. I mean, that's the name of the game, right?
- [49:05]
A
I guess so. But it is kind of, you know, they give you 55, 65, 70 grand. Worth of car. You go out and flog it for a couple of weeks.
- [49:12]
F
I know.
- [49:13]
A
Put a little ding in the door. And then you go, my cup of tea.
- [49:17]
F
The ergonomics are a little off.
- [49:19]
A
Yeah, I'm excited. I got a supercharged Jag that Matt d' Andrea got me over there. All right, shall we do a little news? What should we do? I don't know. I got this car thing that's bothering me, but I can get to that. I don't know.
- [49:36]
C
Now I gotta know.
- [49:37]
F
Yeah, we're peaked.
- [49:40]
A
Well, you guys have heard me say a whole bunch of times that you never know how off the media is until they start talking about you. I mean, it's not just how they don't spell your name correctly, but when they tell a story about how you met so and so or how you got into the business or where you've got your first break or whatever, it's almost always wrong. And I grew up just thinking, well, if it was on TV or it was in a newspaper and they were just sort of showing it, well, then that's what it was. I had no idea how inaccurate most stuff was. And I got an email a couple of days ago. I did the Monterey Historic, the Rolex historic races a few months ago. And I got an email from a guy named Dave Stone, who's just one of the track guys. One of the guys I see out there all the time, he drives a Z car and I had a Z car too. And he said, hey, just saw the Monterey historics on speed. Thanks for making me look cool. Ha ha ha. And I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what was it. I hadn't seen it. I didn't know it was on. So I went and tivoed the Monterey Historics and I have a little 30 second clip. You can see this guy is the head of BMW. You can go to AdamCroll.com and take a look at it if you like. Like the guy's the head of BMW North American sales or whatever, and he's driving some historic in the background as a CSL 3.0 Batmobile, as they call it. So that's my race on this course, Bob. And they tell you aim for a certain. That's me in the red car ahead of this guy. And there he is, Lud Village. But listen what they call me. Picking up a position here in the world race for cars from 1973-83 in IMSA battling David Stone and an ex, Bob Sharp Dotson, later driven By Elliot Forbes Robinson and who cuts right across his bow long championship pedigree in seca race, Adam Perolla 280zx that was driven by Jim Fitzgerald. But all right, that's one thing. Now let's see who wins the race. Let's see who wins the race.
- [51:53]
F
I'm going to watch to see who wins the race.
- [51:55]
A
Let's see who wins the race. Porsches, BMWs. And there's an ex Craig Carter Chevy Camaro as they head up the hill.
- [52:03]
C
Okay, all right.
- [52:04]
A
Who wins it in the end? Dennis Singleton in his 74 Porsche RSR in green, takes the checkered flag in first. All right. Took the checkered flag in first. But wait a minute. I have the official results here. Dennis Singleton came in 13th place, everybody.
- [52:18]
F
Wait, what?
- [52:19]
A
And the guy who passed him, Bruce Kennepa, was lapping him. That white car that was passing him. Yeah, yeah, that car's lapping him. That car came in third place. So the car that they said won the race, who just got lapped by the white car, is. Came in 13th place. It did not come in first place. It came in 13th place. And he was being lapped. We're watching. We're watching him being lapped right now. What. What else could this be for those
- [52:46]
B
of you who know? Is this like when they do poker on TV where the commentators are doing it after the fact?
- [52:51]
A
Like it's. Well, I think so, but why? Okay, you have a shot of a green car going across the finish line. Can you just go, the guy who won the car. The guy who won the race all out was in a Ford Mustang. And then a guy in a 935 Porsche and another 935 Porsche. That's the one who ramped. And then a whole bunch of 935 Porsches and then a whole bunch of other stuff. And then that guy Dennis came in 13th place. But here's the thing. Like. Like, if I was just watching, I'd just be watching going, oh, that guy won the race. I just happened to be there and have the grid sheet, and I know who won the race.
- [53:28]
F
So it's totally wrong. They were just asleep at the wheel, Pun intended.
- [53:32]
A
Is it? Not only did you kind of lie, but you actually showed the guy getting laughed. Yeah.
- [53:37]
C
You showed a car, the white car, just passing him.
- [53:41]
A
And that guy was Bruce Kennepa and he came in third place. It's really weird, right? So now makes you wonder. I got all kinds of questions about all kinds of TV shows, starting with the banana splits going way back to the 70s. But then you just go, how fucking lazy are television producers? And if you're the guy who actually
- [54:02]
F
won the race, you're like, hi.
- [54:05]
A
Hello. I laughed. That guy.
- [54:07]
C
And if you care enough about this to report it, why not actually Google it?
- [54:12]
A
I have no fucking idea. I have official race results. And they give them to you? They give them on every race. By the way, why not get my name right? It was pretty easy to get my. My car and my number figured out, too.
- [54:25]
C
What did they call you?
- [54:25]
A
Dave Stone. Dave Stone. I argue it's a cooler story to have the man show guy in there with the BMW guy.
- [54:33]
B
It's a cooler name.
- [54:34]
A
Dave Stone is. You don't mess with Dave Stone. All right? By the way, this Friday, Wyclef Jean on the show, Jeff Lynn from ELO, Danica Patrick and Joel McHale. Graham Parker. Look out, world.
- [54:51]
F
Jesus.
- [54:51]
A
Jesus Christ. You are the dumbest person alive. What is wrong with you? I think that's Joel McHale. All right, shall we do a little news and lake you hang out and crack wise like you do. You got it.
- [55:07]
B
Dave Stone, the news with Allison Rosen.
- [55:11]
A
She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.
- [55:27]
C
The next presidential debate is Tuesday. It will be at Hofstra University, and it will be town hall style, moderated by Candy Crowley. I don't like how they keep changing the style. It makes me feel like this whole thing is a reality show. They should have a scavenger hunt for the final one.
- [55:41]
A
Yeah. And I don't like the idea that they schedule it. I just want it to be impromptu. Yeah. I like all the prep.
- [55:49]
F
Yeah.
- [55:50]
A
What kind of debate is it if you're gonna prep? You know what I mean? Remember this speech? Yeah. It'd be like if you went and saw an improv troupe and they go, all right, give us an occupation. Like every equipment operator. All right, now, relationship, father and son. All right, we'll be back in an hour. I don't need that. You can dance, monkey. I want it right now.
- [56:10]
C
That's what you said.
- [56:12]
A
Yeah. Oh, yeah, sorry. You know what I'm saying?
- [56:14]
F
Yeah.
- [56:15]
C
Now, did anyone watch the vice presidential debate?
- [56:17]
F
Yes.
- [56:18]
A
I was on stage in Cleveland, so I did not.
- [56:22]
C
Have you seen someone clutch my tie?
- [56:25]
A
Was it. I, I. I kept hearing it was a tie. That's all I heard.
- [56:30]
C
I watched it and Thought that. I was surprised, actually, that it was called a tie because I thought that. That Biden just smushed him.
- [56:39]
F
I am with you. I felt fully.
- [56:41]
C
He was such a smug dick. I personally enjoyed it. It was a much more enjoyable debate than the first one, which I thought
- [56:46]
A
was pretty well what I heard. All I heard was it was a tie. And then I heard Biden was aggressive. That's what I heard.
- [56:55]
C
Very.
- [56:55]
A
And then I heard maybe, like a little too much. Like maybe it was bordered on rude, but I don't know.
- [57:01]
C
It was very rude. But like I said, I enjoyed it. But then it was. He was laughing the entire time he KE grabbing the spotlight from Ryan.
- [57:08]
A
There was some.
- [57:10]
F
I did feel like it's a debate, though. It is naturally and inherently something where you're supposed to fucking argue, get into it and make your point. And I felt like Biden was absolutely doing that. I mean, he came in, I felt totally secure with everything he was saying. He was like. He was all.
- [57:26]
C
Basically, he was everything. Obama wasn't right, but how much of it.
- [57:30]
F
He was a little bit. Listen, kid. Which I think is what the negative. It's like he didn't say, listen, kid.
- [57:37]
A
It follows. Felt maybe like there was some compensation for Obama.
- [57:41]
C
I think that my theory is that this actually is a strategy and that Obama was pulling his punches on the first debate and that as they. As it goes, he'll do better and better. And then all of a sudden, people's memories are so short. I think that's what they're hoping, that Mitt will be all confident from his victory in the first one and that it'll, you know, like, that maybe that won't sustain. We'll see. I just. All of a sudden, I. Maybe it makes sense that he wouldn't shoot his wad on the first one.
- [58:13]
A
The way, you know, your psyche works is, you know, if it's a diving competition and you do your first dive and you get threes and fours, and then your next dive is two weeks later and you get a seven and an eight, and then they vote on who makes the Olympic team, they always just go off the last one.
- [58:31]
F
True.
- [58:31]
A
Like, they don't really remember the first one.
- [58:34]
F
So you're only as good as your last picture.
- [58:36]
A
Yes, Right. That's right. That's right. Jimmy, you'd be better off doing two bad debates and one good one if the first two were bad. If someone said. If someone said, would you like two good debates and one bad? But the bad. The wrong order or one good debate and Two bad. I'd go get the two out of the way, finish with the big one, and then let people vote.
- [58:59]
F
No, I just, I completely agree with that. I don't know if it was strategic, but I think it's a total.
- [59:03]
A
You're right, kid. Now freshen up my highball.
- [59:05]
F
Would you touch tell drink the water.
- [59:07]
C
Do you think Romney will slow down with the prep or with how? Like, I guess I'm just wondering, do you think that in essence it might sort of psych him out a little bit, that maybe he feels like he doesn't have to bring it as hard because Obama's not doing as well?
- [59:27]
A
I think Romney has one speed, and that's sober. Wes Welker, undersized possession receiver in the NFL. Like, I just think that guy has one speed. I think he's always had one speed. I just think that guy doesn't not, he doesn't have a crack a beer and put your feet up. You know, let's go down to the patio and have a drag off a cool and just fucking take a chill pill. Like, I don't think he, I don't think he. I don't think that guy has that speed. I think he has that motor. I bring up like, Wes Welker, undersized wideout in the NFL, which is, I mean it. Which is he's. You're a wideout, you're five, nine and a half. You don't have blazing speed, and you're gonna have to work your fucking ass off. And what ends up happening is you end up leading the league in receptions because you've overcompensated so much for your lack of, you know, vertical ability and your lack of, your lack of just God given ability. I don't think Mitt has a, like, I don't think he has a chill mode or day off mode. I think everything, I think he's like one of those A students where everything is, I'm gonna tack it, I'm gonna prep and I'm gonna tack some more. And I don't, I don't think he feels comfortable unless he's prepped the shit out of everything.
- [60:42]
F
I also just feel like if, you know, we're just in, if you're in a plane that's going down, you're like, oh, shit. It's like the last thing you want to do is be like, you know what, let's switch pilots really quick. A guy who hasn't done it as much, but like, you know, he seems like he can recite and say Things really Well, like, I. In general, both the. Like, Obama and Biden had their sleeves rolled up. They're like in there. I feel like Biden's performance was so just like, listen, toothy, let me just explain. Like, this is the situation. I understand you're saying all these facts give. It doesn't add up. And just here it is. Like, it was just. It was a little much, I think, for America.
- [61:17]
A
But I wish, you know, it was weird. What happened was, is I wanted to go back. Well, two things went wrong. One is I was on stage in Cleveland, and then when I was walking through the hotel going back to my room that night, I was like, I'm gonna catch this debate or the replay or whatever it is. And all of a sudden it's like, what? Steelers down on to the Titans by two points. I was on the bar at the hotel, and then all of a sudden, because I'm ugly American, I decided I gotta watch the end of the Steelers game. And then I just kept hearing from everyone it was a tie. And once you hear it's a tie, I was like, well, it was a tie with Biden being aggressive. That's what I was hearing. I was hearing on both, cnn, Fox, everyone just saying it was a tie, Biden was aggressive, and it's a tie. And then once you hear it's a tie, then it's like, what do I need to catch up on?
- [62:03]
F
I watched the commentary before I watched the actual debates. And I thought that was really interesting because everything was all tie all the time. And then I saw it and I
- [62:09]
A
was like, biden totally won vice presidential debate. Like, since when did we give a shit? And I keep stopping myself and saying, wait a minute, is this bigger than usual or am I older than usual? I think it's. I think older than usual.
- [62:25]
F
I feel older.
- [62:26]
B
Why can't it be both?
- [62:28]
C
You mean specifically the vice presidential debate?
- [62:30]
A
Well, there's more talking. Well, first off, the whole thing in general is just, you know, presidential debates weren't the end all and be all. Especially for, you know, hipster Hollywood types like ourselves, number one, the beautiful people.
- [62:42]
C
Right? Yeah. They have other concerns.
- [62:44]
A
Vice presidential debates, like, what are we doing? That was.
- [62:48]
C
It was really. It was kind of. Of amusing and electrifying. And Biden called everything Ryan was saying malarkey. And I think there's a lot. It was a lot of talk about it. Because it was entertaining.
- [62:59]
F
Yeah.
- [63:00]
A
No, no, no, no. But leading into it, no one.
- [63:03]
F
He's saying there's a lot when there
- [63:04]
A
is a lot when did we give a shit about a vice presidential debate before it happened?
- [63:08]
F
Yeah. Post never.
- [63:10]
A
So the question is, are we getting old and all of a sudden caring or is it just actually happening early?
- [63:21]
C
Birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets you
- [63:25]
A
closer to the action.
- [63:26]
C
So don't be late. Book your next vacation early on VRBO and save over $120. Rise and shine. Average savings, $141. Select homes only.
- [63:36]
A
And we're just an average citizen. You know, I think we keep wondering. I keep wondering, like I have to go find a 23 year old, but you really have to find yourself at 23 and go.
- [63:47]
F
Which is hard.
- [63:48]
A
Yeah.
- [63:49]
C
Where would you find 23 year old you?
- [63:51]
A
I'd go about three miles west of here to a. To an apartment in. Off of Laurel Canyon. Hey, everybody. What? It's me. Jesus, look at my hair. What the hell was I thinking? No, that's. That's not acid wash. That's called stuff. Stonewash, jade, Stage four. Stage four jade.
- [64:16]
C
God. There was a difference between acid wash and stonewash. And although there was so many different rinses and washes.
- [64:23]
A
Mm. All right, what's next?
- [64:26]
C
Also in political news, Arlen Spector died. He's famous for the Wall of Sound.
- [64:32]
A
That's really. Aw.
- [64:34]
C
Yeah.
- [64:34]
A
Yeah.
- [64:36]
C
He had been in the Senate for 30 years, longest of anyone from Pennsylvania. He died after a long battle with cancer. He was 82. He, longtime Republican, switched to a Democrat
- [64:47]
A
at the very end.
- [64:48]
C
That guy pissed off everyone on both sides. And he had been on the Warren Commission.
- [64:55]
A
Wow. Wow. That is. We were just out there. It's weird because if you've been to the spot where Kennedy was shot, you got the old grassy knoll and the whole thing, and it's just as it was. Like, it's not new or anything. The book depository is still there and everything. And two X's just on the ground in the middle of the highway where the bullets were fired. I mean, literal X. At first I looked at it, I thought, what is that? No, that can't be. And yeah, there's an X and then there's another X, like 22ft down the road. And by the way, it's very busy. Like it's a thoroughfare. There's cars just blowing past, like all the time. Like you couldn't go. You couldn't cross the street there. And it's weird. It's just weird. It gives you this weird life goes on thing. Like, here's the place where Kennedy was assassinated and all it is. Is. Hey, I'm late for work, man. Just people just blowing by. Geometro. It's just buzzing by. Like, not even. There's a. There's a shot of it and there's. There's the axe.
- [66:00]
D
How bizarre.
- [66:01]
A
And there's always a cottage industry that springs up over anytime anyone of any notoriety dies. And when I say cottage, I don't mean cottage cheese, but I mean black guys standing around trying to sell you shit. And it's just a bunch of brothers, like, explaining about the conspiracy. And it's like, you have no ammunition. Pardon the pun, but you know the conspiracy theorists, 90% of their rap is you have no rap.
- [66:26]
F
Yeah.
- [66:27]
C
It's impossible to argue with. Totally insane, right?
- [66:29]
A
Like, you know the Muzz a.30 06. And you're like, yes, I do. It's like, no, they bum rush you with infantry. Yeah, yeah. They go, it's a.44 caliber shell. It'll cover, you know, 700 meters in two seconds. The car was traveling at 41 miles an hour. It's like, all right, I got nothing for you. I got nothing.
- [66:47]
C
I can't even follow that.
- [66:48]
A
Yeah, you can't. You can't. You don't jump up and go, aha. Let me tell you about muzzle velocity.
- [66:53]
B
That's interesting observation. Like a presidential assassination took place in this spot. A president was killed, and I'm on my way to work. I'm late for work. So Hong Kong, honk, whatever. People kind of forget about. Do you think the same thing will happen someday with the World Trade center sites or the ground zero is like, greatest, you know, disaster on American soil. I'm late for work.
- [67:10]
C
You know, it's so big.
- [67:12]
A
Someday it'll.
- [67:13]
B
Yeah, right.
- [67:14]
C
It will be bigger someday.
- [67:15]
A
Well, it'll be built and whatever. But. But what I mean is, I just, you know, last night I was walking through the streets of Philadelphia and thinking about Bruce Springsteen.
- [67:29]
F
Yeah, of course.
- [67:30]
A
And I was just walking past these old colonial places with, you know, there's William Penn and all these statues and all these guys with their three cornered hats and plaques out in front. It's very historical, obviously, in the downtown and stuff like that. He just walked past it. It's like, you know, there's some bums sitting there wiping his ass, you know, trying to bum change and stuff as you walk past it and stuff. And like, you do slow down for a beat and go, this thing was built in 1861. And so on and so on, but you don't stop. You just slow down and look and then you start thinking about what's on TV up in your room. And that's how we are.
- [68:06]
C
Sometimes it is almost uncomfortably pensive and I have to shake it off.
- [68:10]
A
But it's good because that's progress. I think if you go to the Middle east, maybe they stop and look at the monument a little too much.
- [68:18]
F
A little too much.
- [68:18]
A
Yeah. Spend a little too much time.
- [68:20]
D
Yeah.
- [68:20]
A
Keep walking, praying or hitting them. Flogging themselves against a wall or something. You know what I mean? Like, we're very like, huh, Grandma, Grandpa. Yeah, they're dead. Moving on. You know, we're kind of that way. It's progressive.
- [68:33]
F
Are you saying that we will forget
- [68:34]
C
even though we never forget and we'll be forgotten?
- [68:37]
A
Well, I can tell you that the intersection is just a busy intersection in Dallas. Like, there's nobody. There's no tears being shed. And the memorial looks like bad 60s. I mean, the memorial looks unfortunately like very 60s. Like. Like, you know what year he's killed by the architecture of the memorial. And the memorial is some sort of weird cop out thing. It just looks like a bathroom, like airport bathroom stalls where they're like four slab walls, like off the ground a little bit. And it's like, doesn't, you know, you want a statue of Kennedy or something? There's the memorial, by the way, looking again, like very, very 60s, very 60s. It does not definitely remove single tiered. Matt's like, I gotta shit that place up.
- [69:25]
F
Yeah.
- [69:26]
A
It's not a holy grail.
- [69:27]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [69:28]
A
First off, it doesn't feel like anyone died. It just feels like this is where the founder of IKEA came up with his first entertainment unit.
- [69:36]
C
Yeah.
- [69:36]
A
Like it just looks like some big ikea. It looks like something you put together with a fucking Allen wrench. It's like a plug and it doesn't smack of anything. And. And look, let me just say this about art. You're not allowed to explain to me what it means. You know what I mean? Like, the opening on one side represents the light in the openness of the heart. The darkness in the corner represents what man can do. No, no, no. If I ain't reading it, if I'm just walking through it going, what the fuck is this? It's a cinder block piece of shit. Job not done.
- [70:05]
C
You know what I see beyond those slats? Decaying teeth on a screen.
- [70:09]
F
Yeah.
- [70:09]
A
Ooh, I heard about that. That's exactly what it was.
- [70:12]
F
Dental town, right?
- [70:12]
A
So then, yeah, yeah, then we went and just walked through this thing and I had to pay off I wonder how much of this is. I wonder how many millions of dollars are paid to the nut jobs and hush money. Meaning crazy 56 year old black guy who's got the laminated newspaper from back in the day with the arrows on it and he's yelling at me and he wants me to take a tour and he wants 20 bucks to consume an hour and a half of my time. I'm giving you $5 to leave me alone right now. It's a weird. It's sort of a. It's a weird mob thing. Like it'd be a shame if anything happened to that new storefront of yours, wouldn't it? It's like, it's really like you're just paying. It's a protection racket. Like 50 something year old crazy black man. I don't want to have to stand on this corner and hear your crazy words. I don't want to buy into this. I also understand if I stand here, it's not going to stop. Stop. But there is an unspoken. Here's five bucks. We're kind of running late. Thanks for the information. And that's just a kind of I wonder if most of these guys business is five bucks go away money.
- [71:21]
C
And are they really as crazy as they seem or are they just trying to freak you out to make that $5? Yeah.
- [71:26]
A
I don't know. But there is a whole. There is a little cottage industry again. Not cheese down there. Not cheese. Yeah, there's a bummer black cottage cheese industry of guys on those corners that just hang out with the whole conspiracy thing. I don't know.
- [71:45]
B
Their worst nightmare is someone saying, yeah, we'll have a tour, actually.
- [71:48]
A
Yes. I'll take two hours of your time. Thank you. Fuck, yeah.
- [71:52]
C
Yeah. Who's excited to see them?
- [71:54]
F
Not their mom.
- [71:57]
A
Nobody. Nobody. Nobody.
- [71:59]
C
All right, well, if I ever get really famous and then die, I like to request a non trendy memorial.
- [72:05]
F
Okay. Okay. All right, let me write that down.
- [72:07]
A
Yes. And. And again, just something out of bronze. You on a horse, the horse rearing sounds like me. You know what I mean? A gun, sword up, leading your troops. Something very timeless. This thing is like 65, 66. What year was that? Yeah.
- [72:24]
B
Allison holding her iPhone, sending a call to voicemail.
- [72:26]
A
That's right. No, you know what? With an earpiece in. Because there will be a lot of kids that come around. Yeah.
- [72:35]
C
Donald Trump has announced the Apprentice All Stars cast.
- [72:39]
F
Didn't he do that?
- [72:40]
A
I thought I saw that. Yeah.
- [72:42]
F
It was that that happened, didn't it? We're doing Another one of those.
- [72:45]
A
Don't shit on our point, Belle.
- [72:46]
C
No, I thought this is the first.
- [72:48]
A
Why are we doing.
- [72:49]
F
We did a celebrity.
- [72:51]
C
Celebrity All Stars.
- [72:52]
A
They did the celebrity Dancing with the Stars.
- [72:54]
C
Yeah. No, this is Apprentice.
- [72:55]
E
All Star.
- [72:56]
C
Celebrity Apprentice. I mean, unless I'm wrong, but I think this is the first.
- [72:59]
A
Oh, here we go.
- [73:00]
C
One of those. So here are the. The. The all stars who will be. And it starts shooting Monday, and it'll premiere in March. Country music star Trace Atkins, actor Stevie Baldwin, Gary Busey. I feel like I don't even need to say what he is. Penn Jillette, Lil Jon, Dennis Rodman, Dee Snider, Mary Lou Henner. We were just. You and Lisa Lampanelli. And I was eavesdropping. We're just talking about her.
- [73:24]
A
Yes.
- [73:25]
C
How she has, like, a super brain.
- [73:27]
A
She has a crazy memory. Yeah. Just like my buddy Bob Petrell has the exact same thing. And they're both interviewed, like, on 60 Minutes. They'll tell you any date, any birthday, any. Anything You. You give the day. Your dad bought the Virginia International Raceway. You give the date, he'll tell you what day it was. And it takes about. Takes him about 15 seconds to tell you what day. Anything. Yep. Tell you what day. That's exactly the work.
- [73:52]
C
Latoya. Claudia Jordan.
- [73:55]
F
Okay.
- [73:55]
C
She's TV personality and actress.
- [73:58]
A
I think she's one of the Howie Mandel suitcase girls.
- [74:02]
C
I think Omarosa, Lisa Rinna, Randy Roderick, and Bret Michaels.
- [74:08]
A
I'm tired just looking at it. By the way, we're looking at the picture and Dee Snider's doing the rock and roll thing. At what point? At what point? At what point your 60th birthday? Like, at what point do you point.
- [74:22]
F
Like, do you retire it?
- [74:25]
A
I'm just saying, like, D is the. And I did it with Dee, and I like Dee. He's a nice guy in the world. But we get it. We did it. Yeah. Once. Like, does your. Like, let's say your prostate explodes. You still have the two fingers up? Like, what, of course, is doing it on the right. Stop with the right.
- [74:44]
B
It's like Dennis Robbins. Like, a fake shot for, like, a free throw.
- [74:48]
A
And how come? I. I don't know.
- [74:51]
F
He's looking off.
- [74:51]
A
Maybe just on a motorcycle that's falling off. Feels like it to me. But has anyone who's ever really rocked ever done that? I don't think Jimi Hendrix thrown that. I mean, unless you're fucking around. Like, I will bet that, you know, Dave Grohl, the Foo Fighters have done it for fun. But not ironically, but not in a I must do this every time. Like, Flash comes out. Yes. All right. Anyway, we wish them all well. Penn Jillette back again. That's going to be crazy, man. Yeah, let's listen. It's going to be fun. These guys are fun. And they're going to argue and they're going to cry and it's going to be great.
- [75:31]
C
Also in entertainment news, Dane Cook's mid season comedy Next Caller has been canceled before it premiered.
- [75:37]
F
Wait, what?
- [75:38]
C
Dane Cook had an NBC comedy which was called Next Caller and it was about a satellite radio TV host. Let's see, he had starred him as a misogynistic satellite radio dj. Sorry, I said TV host. That made no sense. And his co host was a feminist NPR commentator.
- [76:00]
A
What?
- [76:01]
C
But Jeffrey Tambourine, These two would never get along.
- [76:03]
F
Ding, ding.
- [76:03]
C
I know, but alas, NBC said, I guess the first four episodes just were creatively not going the direction they had hoped for. And they won't be airing.
- [76:16]
F
Working together. They're giving it a shot and he's
- [76:19]
A
shooting himself with the microphone. Well, listen, I've had enough failed pilots. I can't make fun of anybody. You've been like, right. But
- [76:31]
F
yeah, at least I got picked up.
- [76:33]
A
Yeah.
- [76:33]
F
You know, that's better than mine. You know, people make pilots and they don't get picked up.
- [76:37]
A
Yeah. Dane gave one of the douchebaggiest answers I've ever gotten from a human being before, which is. And again, I'm secretly jealous of all the guys that are just filled with their own douche wind
- [76:56]
C
their ships sail by it.
- [76:58]
A
Yes. At quite a nice clip. He was on my show once and I said to him, and it's probably a fucked out boring question, but I am interested when people are in show business or do stand up or comedy or anything, I go, what did you want to do? Like, what do you think you would have been doing? Because a lot of people thought, a lot of guys thought they'd be doing something else when they were in the 9th or 10th grade. And so I said, dane, if you weren't doing standup, what do you think you would have been doing for a career? And he said, I don't know. But I can guarantee you this, I'd be the fucking funniest guy at the company picnic.
- [77:40]
F
Right?
- [77:40]
A
And I was like, I didn't ask you how funny you were gonna be in your hypothetical job. Jesus Christ. By the way, can you just fucking step back for one? What did you say back? I just, you know, what could I say? We're on tv. Like, I was like, that's good. I thought to myself, not if I worked at the company and half the other guys. I know. But his answer was not what he would have done. It was simply how funny I would be. So it was like. It was a one, two douchebag punch. It was. I'm not going to answer your question, number one, and number two, let's get back to how funny I am one more time. Sure. You can't just say I was into architecture?
- [78:23]
C
Didn't you say when he did crank anchors, he also did the thing where he'd be like, I don't know where it comes from?
- [78:28]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [78:28]
F
Oh, come on.
- [78:29]
A
Yes.
- [78:30]
F
Can I ask a genuine question? What would you do, Adam?
- [78:34]
A
I do. I do it now.
- [78:36]
F
What would you do if you were not. Not a comedian?
- [78:39]
A
Well, I mean, human trafficking.
- [78:41]
F
Okay.
- [78:41]
A
Right.
- [78:42]
B
I would do which direction?
- [78:45]
A
Well, I wouldn't have. What would you do if your online store converted 36% more shoppers? You could take 36% more vacation. Another pina colada.
- [78:53]
C
Yes, please.
- [78:53]
A
Open a new retail location with 36% more square feet. Fantastic. Hire 36% more help.
- [79:00]
E
You're hired.
- [79:00]
A
And you're hired. Shopify has the world's best converting checkout up to 36% better than other e commerce platforms. What you do with those extra sales is up to you. Switch to Shopify today@shopify.com setup and get a $1 trial. Shopify.com setup I wouldn't have a lot of choice. It's not like I'd be a scientist or pharmacist or dental hygienist or something. I was a fucking moron at nine.
- [79:22]
F
What, did you think, I could.
- [79:23]
A
Oh, I thought I was gonna play football or something with sports. But I don't come from a place where you get to do what you want to do. I come from a place where you fucking work and then the weekend comes around and maybe you get drunk and then you die, and that's. That's. You watch a game and that's about it. So I didn't have any delusions of grandeur. I just figured, you know, anything that made more than 10 bucks an hour sounded good. And I do do what I do, which is I do carpentry. I build the studio. I work on the cars. I do this sort of physical stuff. So getting turned on. I work with my hands. Yeah.
- [79:55]
F
What else?
- [79:55]
A
I'm the kind of guy. I'm the kind of guy, like, who likes wearing a collar but rolling up his sleeves.
- [80:00]
D
Right. No, I get.
- [80:01]
A
Yeah, I believe it's time for you.
- [80:03]
F
Can I get you another sketch?
- [80:04]
A
I believe it's time for America to get back to work. Yeah, I'll have it neat this time.
- [80:07]
C
Okay, Allison, here's a story which I find disturbing. A quote unquote freakishly giant eyeball rolled ashore in Pompano Beach, Florida.
- [80:18]
A
Oh. Had to be from a squid.
- [80:20]
C
Okay, well, that's the thing. They don't know what it's from, but a giant squid is one of the theories. It could be a. Oh, yeah. Tuna, swordfish, giant squid. It could be a whale. It disturbs me, though, that science doesn't just instantly know.
- [80:37]
F
I agree with you.
- [80:37]
C
And to me, it looks like a prop, except I believe that it's not. Hence, I want to puke.
- [80:42]
A
Someone's killing squid out there, people.
- [80:45]
D
I mean, if you're a scientist.
- [80:46]
A
We got a madman hacking up prostitute squids.
- [80:49]
F
This is sort of your mom gathering
- [80:50]
A
their eyeballs all over the Atlantic Ocean. We got to move. It is haunted, according to my squid profilers. Oh, yeah, that's all they are. I got the one big. They got the big eyes that.
- [81:02]
F
They're just eyes and tentacles.
- [81:03]
A
Yeah, their eyes are all.
- [81:04]
C
I just think. I just assumed they were breaded.
- [81:08]
A
They should be. Now they're all eyes and tenekai. I mean, yeah.
- [81:15]
C
Think how heavy that must be. It looks like a geode. I'm gonna barf.
- [81:19]
F
Oh, don't barf.
- [81:20]
A
Oh, don't barf. Come on, let's get back out.
- [81:22]
C
Really?
- [81:23]
A
Gingivitis.
- [81:24]
F
Can we bring up dental time one more time?
- [81:26]
A
I'm tell. Do not log on, Donut. Do not.
- [81:29]
F
Do not.
- [81:30]
A
Do not log on.
- [81:31]
C
Have you ever dissected an eyeball? Because I did in seventh grade, and the one that I received had a bit of eyelash attached to it and a lid.
- [81:38]
A
Oh, poor drifter.
- [81:40]
F
You are hurting it. And by it, I mean my stomach.
- [81:43]
C
Sorry.
- [81:45]
A
Well, I had this weird thing because I failed biology in high school, so I had to take science, which is, like, retard biology. So I just sat around. They gave us scissors that were rounded over at the top so we couldn't dice. Dissect anything. Weren't trusted with anything, right? So I know. I never. I didn't have any labs. I didn't. All that stuff were like, oh, we dissected a frog and all that kind of stuff. I never.
- [82:10]
F
You missed out on that, I guess.
- [82:12]
A
Although I don't feel like it has a whole lot of practical application. Like, all right, someone's Gotta get this frog into some sort of the vivisection now. Who's got the skills there? Anybody?
- [82:22]
F
Anybody?
- [82:22]
A
Anybody gutted a frog here? Please, for the love of crying, yes, please. Yeah, this frog needs dissecting. I've. No, I never did any of that. Any of that. Whatever you do in school, I didn't do it. I just hung out, played sports and dreamt of being the funniest guy at the company picnic.
- [82:42]
F
Okay.
- [82:44]
C
Felix Baumgartner, an Austrian daredevil.
- [82:47]
A
Oh, the guy jumped out of the balloon.
- [82:49]
C
He jumped out of a balloon. He wanted to break the sound barrier and I believe he did. So he broke the record for the highest balloon jump. He jumped out of a capsule 24 miles above the earth, like above New Mexico. It took like three hours. So what lifted him up was a 55 story, very thin helium balloon that took about three hours, which to me would be three hours to think, what the hell am I doing?
- [83:15]
A
Yeah.
- [83:16]
C
And then the fall. And it was very, very dangerous because if, you know, an array of things had gone wrong, then his, his blood would have boiled and this would have happened. And it was. Red Bull sponsored it. That's how dangerous and hardcore it was. And it took about four minutes. And I've heard 22 seconds. And I've heard 19 seconds. Unfortunately, this video doesn't include the jump it did.
- [83:38]
A
Crazy. It was a long free fall. I was thinking about this and tell me where you guys come down on this ballsy, but I do feel like I could get my buddy Ray Truck drunk, shove him in the suit and push him out of the capsule and he might set the record.
- [83:55]
B
You wouldn't have to get him drunk.
- [83:56]
A
Oh, no, that's true. You'd have to offer him beer, but. Or call him a pussy and then start making a chicken sound. And then he would probably do it. So here's. Here's deal. No, seriously, do you know Ray?
- [84:09]
F
I have brothers.
- [84:10]
A
Like, if you offered Ray like a used Nissan, he would definitely go for it. And we'd have to have like under 200,000 miles. So here's what I'm saying. I heard about this stunt and I see stunts that people do that are pretty insane. But there are two kinds of stunts. There's stunts where you do the free fall base jump where you get up to, you know, El Capitan and you do the flip off it and pull, you know, whatever. And there's ones where you do the double flip on your motorcycle. And then there's other various forms of crazy ass shit escape, you know, all The X Game stuff and stuff. And then there are ones that are very reliant on technology. Meaning you're wearing a spacesuit, you're in a space capsule. If something went wrong with your spacesuit, if it wasn't pressurized, we didn't have the oxygen hooked up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, then you would die. So it's sort of stunt, but it's kind of more technology than it is done.
- [85:05]
C
You're just a guinea pig testing out the technology.
- [85:08]
A
Yeah, I mean, it's really cool and it's ballsy. And I'm sure he. He would tell me all the things that could have gone wrong. And we probably needed to be in a certain position as he free falls. Yeah.
- [85:17]
C
Because he could have gotten some kind of spin kind of stuff.
- [85:19]
A
But still more technology than stunt here. Like back in the day when people would go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. They'd go in a barrel. Like they'd fucking get in a pickle barrel. And they'd put a pillow in there and a raccoon.
- [85:34]
F
No space in there.
- [85:35]
A
And they'd go. That's right. That's what the real stunt people did. And they'd go right over that fucking thing. And then later on they start doing it like space shuttles and capsules and stuff that get filmed with expanding foam and stuff like that. And that's not nearly what a barrel. Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. I mean, somebody could.
- [85:51]
F
I mean, you're a maniac.
- [85:53]
A
You're a maniac.
- [85:55]
F
You're a lunatic.
- [85:56]
A
Here's what I'm saying to you. If NASA wanted to get together with Jesse James and a few other guys who did a little fabrication and build a shuttle and put a few million bucks into it, eventually I would throw my kids into it and let them go over Niagara Falls. Like there is something that is safe enough for all of us to go over Niagara Falls in. And then there's a barrel. So did you go over Niagara Falls? Yes. In a barrel stud. In a shuttle. Eh.
- [86:24]
F
Eh. You know.
- [86:26]
C
Right.
- [86:26]
A
All right, so this is very cool, but the first one, I think the first one to do it was a woman.
- [86:30]
F
The first woman who did it.
- [86:31]
A
Yeah.
- [86:31]
C
Like, how could her skirt even fit in the barrel?
- [86:33]
F
I want you to look at her. She's a maniac.
- [86:35]
A
She has a cat.
- [86:36]
C
She's holding a kiss.
- [86:37]
A
There may be one more than one cat. Yeah. And she does have crazy. I'm going in a barrel. Well, it's half. It's half full with rum. Old Maid. Do you want to do something about that.
- [86:53]
F
What an optimal.
- [86:57]
A
Well, maybe you should finish the rum off and then go in the barrel. Fun, fun. I'm gonna get it. I, I think she did go with her cat. I'm reading that she was a 62 year old retired charm school teacher.
- [87:13]
F
Exactly. Charm school. Smile when you look at me.
- [87:18]
D
What are you talking about?
- [87:19]
F
I said smile when you look at me.
- [87:22]
C
She looks like 162.
- [87:24]
A
How insane.
- [87:25]
F
Well, everyone looked that people didn't have Botox back there.
- [87:28]
A
How insane was that? And how tough was it to take advice when she was like, now listen, young ladies do not drink their tea. Hey bitch, you went over fucking falls in a barrel with your cat.
- [87:38]
B
Don't give me like a lady.
- [87:41]
A
You must learn elocution, my dear. Listen sweet, you must walk with a book on your head. Remember, walking on a book on your
- [87:50]
F
head was a big deal like charm school.
- [87:53]
A
Now that chick that's balls to the wall, that's a 62 year old woman and a barrel in a fucking barrel. And I know like there was a barrel with a blanket in it or something.
- [88:05]
F
That's a lot of tumbling. I mean like her, her drawers were shown at one point.
- [88:10]
A
And it shows, by the way, she was not in a significant loving relationship. Because when you say to your man. Yeah, like you tell your man, do it in the old woman voice.
- [88:23]
F
I'm gonna go into this little barrel and I'm going over the. Can I have some more rum there?
- [88:31]
A
I'm going over the Niagara Falls in a barrel.
- [88:33]
F
Yes, dear.
- [88:34]
A
All right.
- [88:35]
F
You don't want to come with me?
- [88:37]
A
Okay, bye. Yeah. All right, well, take a blanket and the cat, you know, in case something happens. I don't want to have to take care of the cat.
- [88:46]
F
I mean, and it's a kitten, no less, by the way. It just came into the world and this is what's happened it. That was a kitten.
- [88:52]
A
Yeah. Take the cat, the Huggy boogie and Godspeed to you. Okay, dear. Bye. Anyone who's been to Niagara Falls realizes that does not seem like a great plan.
- [89:07]
F
It's a horrible plan. I mean, I've not even been there. I don't need to go there to know that it's a horrible plan.
- [89:12]
A
And in a barrel is even worse.
- [89:14]
F
Yeah.
- [89:14]
A
All right, let me give it a little love this vistaprint baby. Vistaprint.com. they got business cards. They got thousands of designs you can choose from and not only do business cards, but I got a little quiz for you, Lakebell. I not only do business cards, but they'll do Invitations, T shirts, postcards. You go online, you go to vistaprint.com, you print up whatever you want. 250 premium cards. 250 premium cards, postage included, sent to your home, full name on there. Your little thing, you know, you'd have the two martini glasses crossed or something, or whatever your sign would be over there or a hot rod car or something like that. How much? 250 premium cards.
- [89:56]
F
How much do I think it is?
- [89:57]
A
Yes. Sent to your home.
- [89:59]
F
$100,000.
- [90:03]
A
No.
- [90:04]
F
What?
- [90:04]
A
Hold on, let me guess. Is it more?
- [90:09]
F
It's my $150,000 and that's it.
- [90:11]
A
Oh, you're so funny. $10.
- [90:15]
D
What?
- [90:15]
A
$10. I said what? That's right, I'm looking at you. $10 for 250 premium business cards.
- [90:22]
F
10 bucks.
- [90:22]
A
Go to vistaprint.com, type in ACE in the upper right hand Corner and get 250 premium business cards for 10 bucks, plus free shipping. But only if you let them know Ace20 told you to show up and buy them cards. Vistaprint didn't come out the way I wanted. Vistaprint.com and type in ace. All right, sorry. Where were we?
- [90:44]
C
Mike Tyson has been banned from New Zealand.
- [90:46]
A
Oh, no.
- [90:47]
C
Yeah, he's gonna go do it. A charity function. And now he's been banned because of the rape conviction so many years ago. But here's the sad part, the irony. His tattoo was inspired by the Maoris. His face tattoo. Now he can't go there.
- [91:03]
A
Alex P. Keaton's sister.
- [91:05]
C
Yeah. Inspired by the Mallorys.
- [91:09]
A
Wow. Why do they. I know this is just for show, like, he's not in rape and shape anymore, is he?
- [91:18]
C
Did you ever really lose it?
- [91:19]
A
Well, he's lost the rape and Tiger. He's lost the rape eye. Yeah, they're just. I don't know. What are they? They're just wanting to trumps stuff up, right? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure they have their rules. I don't know what they would do with everyone else.
- [91:35]
C
You have to. In Australia, you have to pass a character test to get in. So if you have a substantial criminal record, you can't get in. Which is also surprising, right?
- [91:45]
A
Since, you know, to get in or to stay. Like a character test.
- [91:51]
F
Was he convicted to get a visa? I don't even know.
- [91:54]
C
Was he convicted of rape in a.
- [91:56]
F
All right, so I'm kind of like. I'm kind of like, all right, you fucking raped someone?
- [92:01]
A
Yeah, I can dig.
- [92:02]
C
It's like he. He served time, too.
- [92:04]
A
Yeah, he did his time and got
- [92:06]
C
the tattoo after that's. It's weird.
- [92:09]
A
Yeah. But he can't go to New Zealand
- [92:12]
C
to do the charity event because none of him rapists for children. It was. Wait, I know.
- [92:20]
A
It's a ripe a thon.
- [92:22]
C
It actually.
- [92:23]
F
The old rapathon.
- [92:24]
A
Mm, sure.
- [92:25]
C
I actually don't. I don't have it in front of me, but I do believe it was something for either way children, you know, needy children or literacy.
- [92:32]
F
Okay.
- [92:33]
A
Mm. Yeah, we gotta get literate. Well, then screw you, New Zealand. We'll keep. We like our rapists. We'll keep them right here in Vegas where they belong.
- [92:40]
B
We'll show you.
- [92:41]
A
That's right. He. I don't know what he does for money. He's probably one of these guys that went through 150 million easily.
- [92:49]
C
The Life Education Trust is what. And it would have benefited children's health.
- [92:54]
B
Last time he fought, he was in deep debt, remember? Like, that was his whole thing for coming back for all those fights that he got his ass kicked. He's like, I got bills to pay.
- [93:01]
A
Right? Yeah. You know what? He lost one of his kids.
- [93:06]
B
Oh, he did?
- [93:07]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [93:08]
F
Is that right?
- [93:09]
A
Yeah. He's one of his kids.
- [93:11]
B
Treadmill involved.
- [93:12]
A
Yes. One of his kids got like the cord of a treadmill, or it was either the cord of a. A blinds or cord of the treadmill. But is it like the blinds and he was on the treadmill or the court, but it was like three or
- [93:26]
F
four, like a freak accident situation.
- [93:29]
A
Yeah. And I sort of think in life. We don't really do this in life, which is like, if you had something horrific happen to you, you should get. And you've done something horrific or whatever it is, you should get some sort of weird, cosmic. Cosmic pass, like, back to even. Like, I remember, like, remember when Bill Cosby was getting all that shit and everyone was like. He was like, you know, pull your pants up and speak English, black kids and get a job. And, you know, and everyone's like, fuck you, old man, you old turncoat. And all kind of shit. And I thought, you know, his son was like, assassinated, basically. And I could not think of anything worse than having one of your kids. Just especially, you know, it's one thing if your kid, you know, does a few tours in Iraq and dies a hero or something like that, but if your kid is just basically assassinated by the side of the road for 100 bucks, it's just a completely needless whatever things. Or your kid gets a cord wrapped around their neck.
- [94:25]
F
I didn't know that happened to Tyson. Tyson's kid.
- [94:28]
A
Tyson's kid. It was right about a little before that documentary came out, I think, or a little bit after, I can't remember. It was really. That Tyson documentary was really cool documentary. I interviewed him actually, and. And it was probably about three years ago, maybe three and change. And the kid was probably three and change or four and cord treadmill, something choked out. And again, doesn't make whatever you did okay. I just believe there's a kind of a. I don't know, tit for tat kind of cosmic whatever. Like you did something horrible to somebody. You lost your 4 year old. We're cosmically evil.
- [95:06]
F
Or even. So he should go to New Zealand.
- [95:08]
A
You can come into New Zealand if you like. Yeah. Do we not have that story? I feel like that should be pretty easy to find. Daughter.
- [95:19]
C
Yeah, she's four.
- [95:20]
A
Yeah, she was four. Right, right. Yeah.
- [95:24]
C
Exodus was on life support after accidentally hanging herself on a cord dangling from a treadmill in her central Phoenix home.
- [95:31]
A
Yeah, I mean, that's just.
- [95:33]
F
It's super tragic and it's completely freak.
- [95:35]
B
It's horrible.
- [95:36]
A
Four year old. So let him into New Zealand and look, if he's got a rape, he's got a rape. Yeah, cut the guy some slack. And cut the cars a little slack too, brothers. He had a. His son was executed. Yeah.
- [95:52]
C
All right, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zibit cunt.
- [95:57]
A
That was the news with Allison Rosen. In happier news, go to my PC. That's right. Stuck in that office, avoiding the family. Uh oh. That's when tragedy sets in, people. You gotta get home.
- [96:12]
B
All this is happier news.
- [96:13]
A
Oh yeah. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can connect your laptop, your iPad, your iPhone, go right to your office, Mac or your PC. You balance your work and your personal time, baby. Yeah, like me, like a good dad. Like Seal, my cat. Kids, I had them in here. I talked to them through the glass for a couple days. Wasting my time. He gave me three.
- [96:34]
D
They were great.
- [96:35]
A
He gave me three good reads on that, Right?
- [96:38]
D
What are you talking about?
- [96:40]
F
I like the question mark. One.
- [96:41]
A
Yeah, try go to my PC. Free. Free. 45 days free, baby. It frees you up and it's free. You get it? Only if you use a promo code Adam. Visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the Tried free button. And remember, remember, use the promo code Adam. All right, so where were we? Yes. Me and Dennis Prager in Tampa and in Dallas. That's available as we speak. Number eight on the billboard Comedy charts. Everybody look out for that. The dag. Do you have a dag? By the way, the dag Sex ringtone is now available for your Android download through our site and iPhone search itunes with your with your phone like if you download it.
- [97:23]
B
If you're you download the ringtone.
- [97:26]
F
Okay, let me. So it's classy. I'm gonna get that for my mom.
- [97:45]
C
That 62 year old lady would certainly have.
- [97:47]
A
Let me you tell you it's tasteful is what it is. I'm gonna be at doing stand up in the town hall New York City Saturday, November 10th and Warner Theater DC Dental Town Hall. Jesus Christ. Thursday, November 8th and thank you. If you're going doing a little buying, click through Amazon. Keep the pirate ship afloat. You know how to do go to our website and grab yourself a little mangria. So until next time, this is Adam Kroller for Lake Bell Children's Hospital. The show Thursday nights at midnight on Adult Swim and you can send her a tweet Akebell. So until next time, Adam Kroll from Lake Bell, Allison Rosev and Ball Brian saying mahalo. That's a waste of my time. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset. This is the mantra free. This is the with movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghost, Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah.
- [99:04]
D
Pluto TV stream now pay never.
- [99:08]
B
All right, it's ADAM Cruel Show 933 with Lake Bell. Coming up next, we have the very next episode, ADAM CRUEL SHOW 934. Kara Paulus, Ray Oldhofer, Alison Rose and Brian bishop. Also from 2012.
- [99:18]
A
Oh, Riley auto Parts. Yeah, love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly and they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helping, helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right. Dawson stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset. We're free. This is the mantra, free. This is the with movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah.
- [100:52]
D
Pluto TV stream now. Payoff.
- [101:00]
A
Good day. Ray Oldhoffer, hi, Adam. Little home improvement segment coming up for you. That's gonna be fun. Allison Rosen.
- [101:08]
C
Hello, Adam. Carolla. I can't wait for the home improvement segment.
- [101:11]
A
And bald Brian as well. That's a waste of my time. Yeah, Sonny gave me three good takes of that. All right, couple of things. First off, as it pertains to you, Ray, I was backstage at, at the Kimmel center, beautiful theater in Philadelphia and hanging out with Dennis Prager and some of his Jew friends. And it's funny, these things, you realize the number things that are really important to some people don't mean anything to other people. Dennis Prager was beaming when he introduced me to Rabbi Shmuley, the number one cantor in all of Philadelphia. And I was like, like I wish I'd brought my autograph book. But he was retired. But it was like guys, 4 foot nothing and 81 years old. That was a big deal. Like he was the number one cantor in Philadelphia.
- [102:06]
E
I didn't know there were a bunch of Jews in Philadelphia.
- [102:08]
A
Oh, they bust them in for such events. And one of them's a nice young guy. So I hope you're sitting down like a doctor. And he said to me, you know, like 41 year old guy, hip, you know, and he said, hey, read your book. I said, awesome. And then he did that thing that I hate because when they follow up with the questions, really good stuff, all that stuff true. I said, yeah, I don't really use hyperbole. Your buddy Ray, he peed on that many people, huh? I said, yeah, well, we all did. Yeah. Yeah. And it's one of those things where now I'm wearing a suit and he's wearing a suit and we're in our 40s and we're surrounded by guys blowing shofars. Did you piano And I just thought it is one of those things. It's like you had a miscarriage when you're a teenager. Huh. Wow. What was that like?
- [103:01]
C
So it was really awful. Tell me about that.
- [103:03]
A
Yeah. And were you able to wear those jeans again? Like, it's this weird thing where I know what they're saying. They're saying, wow, that was terrific. Not terrific, but I just mean, like, fantastical. And was that really true? And I understand it, but it's a weird conversation to have because on one hand, you have two choices. Eh, I kind of lied. Or, no, we peed and shit all over each other, in which case it's weird. You know what?
- [103:28]
E
When you pee on somebody, you can't really feel it. I mean, you should have pissed on them by the end of the night and said, guess what happened to you.
- [103:35]
A
Wait, I tried to explain that to people. No, who?
- [103:38]
C
The one being peed on.
- [103:40]
A
Well, the one who's peeing on, the person is aware what they're doing.
- [103:43]
C
You know how we know if Ray's talking? I'll believe anything.
- [103:47]
E
No, you can't feel it because it's same body temperature.
- [103:50]
A
Yeah. What we're saying is when you're sitting at the Denny's and you're on your second Grand Slam, and Ray's sitting in front of you, facing you in the booth, and he's peeing on your pant leg, and your pant leg is denim, you don't feel it until it gets well inside your sock and inside your shoe. You know how when people say they were bleeding but they couldn't feel it, it just felt warm.
- [104:12]
E
Same thing.
- [104:12]
A
It's not even wet. You literally. Actually, if someone has genes. Now, I guess if you're wearing shorts and someone starts peeing on your knee, but you don't see it, it's body temperature, so you don't really feel it. But when you're wearing jeans, it hits the gene that sort of absorbs the impact and then it just starts spreading out from there. Like those maps in World War II of the Nazis taking over Poland and then moving to Hungary and all that stuff. So it's that kind of thing. So you will eventually feel it, but your sock, shoe and jeans will be heavily damaged by then.
- [104:46]
E
I'm gone.
- [104:46]
C
Let's try it.
- [104:47]
A
Yeah.
- [104:48]
B
Ray's been peeing on you.
- [104:49]
E
Already been dying?
- [104:50]
A
Yes.
- [104:51]
E
Go ahead, reach down.
- [104:55]
A
That's what the Jewish guy in Philadelphia want to Know if Ray was for real? I told him yes. I had a nice little double spider incident last night. My son Sonny is sensitive, but he's also kind of a puss. But he also has zero bravado. That's a waste of my time. Like, he literally just goes, I'm scared of that. He doesn't do that thing where he goes, I'm not scared of that. I just don't want that thing in my house. You know, it's like that kind of thing. He's just like, no, that's scary. I'm scared. It scared me then, it scares me now. And I don't. And you go, but it's just fake. It's a fake spider. I don't care. I'm scared of it. I don't want it in a house. House. So they went to the Halloween store. And this evidently is a huge business now, these Halloween stores, you know what I mean? Our version of Halloween was if you were shopping with your mom, you could get her to throw a medium sized pumpkin into the basket. And then there was the. Knock yourself out. Here's some rope and a pillowcase and a Sharpie. Make yourself whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, noose and hang yourself. But I mean, here's some foil and a tampon dispenser, you know, and just fucking go sick. You know, like whatever you could do.
- [106:10]
E
Blackface and an afro.
- [106:11]
A
Yeah, go get. Go get that refrigerator box. Draw a playing card on it. Put it over your head. Yeah, yeah, There's a cork. Burn it. Rub it on your face. Now it's. Oh, my daughter has backup outfits and she has an A position outfit and a B position outfit. It's like she's, you know, Ellen hosting the Emmys or something. She's like swapping outfits. The one she wears to school. Then there's after school. Then there's trick or treating.
- [106:35]
C
Jasmine and Katy Perry.
- [106:36]
E
Is she gonna wear more than one outfit for trick or treat?
- [106:39]
A
Then they go to the. Oh, yeah.
- [106:41]
C
Oh.
- [106:41]
A
I don't know if she'll change midstream, but we'll go to the store.
- [106:45]
C
Then she could hit the houses again.
- [106:47]
A
I got this. I had this very unsatisfying thing that happened last night. And I'll get back to the spider story in a second. You guys tell me if you can dig this feeling. Tell me if you identify with this at all. I really don't fuck up that much around the house, but I do point out other people's fuck ups.
- [107:08]
C
It's not funny yet quite a bit.
- [107:10]
E
What about when you covered the vents and it blew out all the pilots when you covered the vents, the intake vents.
- [107:18]
A
Don't recall that one.
- [107:18]
E
Okay. Oh, that's right. Selective memory.
- [107:21]
A
People do a lot of fucking up. And I do a lot of pointing out. I had this move, and Lynette was in hog heaven the other night, because she was like, you left your keys in the front door. You came in the front door. And then when I went out that night, your keys were still hanging in the front door. And you're always getting on me with your keys, and you left your keys, and she's actually happy that we could have been robbed, you know? And I said, keys in the front door. And I thought, that's so un. Me. Why would I ever leave the keys in the front door? And she. She said, you left him in there? And then I said, oh, yeah. You know why I left them in there is because as I was entering the front door and swinging the front door open, Lynette yelled, eyes closed. You know, Natalia, Eyes closed. They decorated the entry hall with the cobwebs and the goblins and the skeletons. And I was supposed to close. So I opened the front door after work, and it was, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Don't look, Daddy. Don't look, Daddy. Don't look, Daddy. Which meant I. I didn't pull my keys out and put them where I normally put them. And then I just sat there with my eyes closed and I guess shut the door and whatever. But I had this thing and Tell me if you guys have this. I don't know why. Maybe it's just me, but I was like, damn, I don't leave my keys in the front door. And then I went, oh, well, I did it because soon as I walked through the front door, you said, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Don't look. And she like, yeah, you left the keys. And I. I was like, yeah, but. Cause you're costing me the front door. And then she gave me. And then I went, no, listen.
- [108:53]
C
Oh, yeah. I would be the same way. I was like, look, there's extenuating circumstances. It is not your fault.
- [108:58]
A
I walked through the front door, and you gave me the. Close your eyes. Don't open your eyes. That's why I left my keys in the front door. I didn't just leave my keys. Okay.
- [109:05]
F
All right.
- [109:06]
A
Don't get so defensive. And it's like, no, I'm not defensive. I'm not defensive. You're being defensive. Yeah, and I'm not. You Told me to shut my eyes. But do you guys have that thing I said about three times, look, I want. And she's like, yeah, I heard you. This is. The keys were there, you know. And I was like. So they have a toy spider that comes down on, like, a bungee cord, and there's movement or sound. Yeah. You come in and you hang it, and it comes falling down. Scared the shit out of Sonny at the Halloween store. Scared the piss out of the lab. So he was scared shitless.
- [109:43]
D
What are you talking about?
- [109:44]
A
And then mommy went and bought the spider anyway. And then there was a battle royale, because Natalia is a fucking badger. She is a mixture between a wolverine badger and, like, a pit bull and Tasmanian devil. She's a fucking hammerhead shark.
- [110:08]
C
You're her father, so of course you'd
- [110:09]
A
think that she won't give a damn up. And so she says, daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Open this up, put batteries in it. Hang it up from the second floor. It's gonna fall down. And Sonny's like, no, no, no. She's like, basically, I'm a puss. I'm a major league puss. I don't want to live in a house. And it's like, sonny, it's just a toy. And Sonny starts getting upset. No, no. Because he was traumatized at the Halloween store. And Natalia's like, daddy, dad. And I get kind of caught in between where she's handing it to me, and she'll lie her ass off. Mommy said it was fine. Mommy said it was a good Mommy said, you know? And I start heading into the kitchen to put batteries into it. And then Sonny comes in and starts with it. No, no. So now I got the one kid that's. No. And Natalia, you don't hand her something and take it back. You do not start heading into the kitchen to put some batteries in a fake falling spider and then go, wait a minute, Wait a minute. We'll have to do it tomorrow or something. It's like, boom. She's a fucking mess. Mess. And she's pretty bottomless, too. Like, she went on to her bed and just started wailing. And I just said, look, Natalia, Mommy's had it up to here. I don't want to get into this. That Sunny's upset. Like, it will do it tomorrow. She went onto that bed and she. She kept it going for an hour. And I was like. I said, look, come on, let's wrestle. Let's have fun. Me and Sonny are gonna go rest. She just kept the party going. Like she.
- [111:35]
C
And she knew that Sunny was afraid. Oh, that just doesn't.
- [111:39]
A
Absolutely doesn't matter at all. That motivates her more. And she's also. She's like one of these puppies in a crate where you're in bed and you're like, let him bark himself out. And it's like somewhere around an hour later you're like, fuck, gonna drown that dog. She does not bark herself out. She is fucking dogged and bottomless and just never stops coming after you.
- [112:04]
C
So what finally happened?
- [112:06]
A
What finally happened is about 10 o' clock she told. She told Lynette she was thinking about running away. She wanted to change a venue. Seemed like what was going on in this house? She was pissed. She was pissed and she didn't fucking let it go. It's not like, hey, watch a fucking episode of Powerpuff Girls and shake it off. Not to be forgiven.
- [112:29]
E
I'm gonna go live with Olga.
- [112:31]
A
Yeah, that was the. You know, me and Lynette were like, well, four days, four days a week. Three, four, three, you know, every other week we'll trade off three days and then four days on. Now we get to the real spider, which is I'm jet lagged and I've been fucking traveling, you know, Cleveland and Philly and Chicago and my clock spinning around and I had a couple Mangrias down and watch myself a little sports highlight. And I'm going to bed early at like 11, which is early for me last night. Come upstairs, turn on the light. There's the fucking spider on the ceiling. This one's right in the crack of the ceiling in the wall. You know, just that one spot in there where it's a little tough to get to. I've had it, right. I get the Mangria in me. I'm a little wobbly as I'm getting up on the bed. I get the tissue paper, but I'm over overdo it. You know, the thing about the toilet paper is too little and you feel the spider too much and you lose the feel. You know, you got to get that like two and a half sheets, just enough to kind of grab it.
- [113:34]
E
Spider killing.
- [113:35]
A
Did the move where I hit it hard, pinched it fast, pulled it back and just saw the two, three legs in my thing.
- [113:42]
C
I hate that.
- [113:43]
A
Now I got the wounded pissed off spider that slid right down the wall onto, I don't know, the headrest of the bed. I don't know. But between. Is it, is it between the headrest and the wall on the floor? Did it slide on the other side of the headrest is on the mattress side. Either way, I got a wounded, angry spider. I don't know what the fuck to do. By the way. I've got a buzz. It's dark, you know, it's like, do I get on my knees with the fucking flashlight?
- [114:09]
C
And the fact that it's wounded, you'd think would hinder it. But no, I think it gets a surge of adrenaline. It could lift a Volkswagen.
- [114:16]
E
I would just make Lynette sleep on that side.
- [114:18]
A
I think spiders only have eight legs. They have eight legs, but I think they only need like three. The rest are space savers. They don't need them. So I was like, why over the bed? Like, why? Oh, and I know someone is going to tell me. You just notice them when they're over the bed? No, I swear to God, I think about that all the time. Like, I walk into my den and I go, I'm looking at the ceiling. Because I don't want to just be one of those people. Goes, it's only over the bed. You know, it's one of those. And I go into the bathroom and I look. It is not only over the bed, it's over where my fucking head is. It's on that side of the bed each and every time. I don't know if the fucking leather headboard has some sort of strange magnetic pole or something. I don't know what it is. But just right over the.
- [115:03]
C
They know what they're doing. They're eight legged terrorists. It's a future way of life.
- [115:08]
A
And then the fucking heat, for the love of Christ. I was out of town. I was talking to Lynette. She's like, ah, it's raining. It's cold. It's finally raining. It's cold. I get back here, it's 97 degrees. What the fuck is going on in this godforsaken town?
- [115:25]
C
And it's not gonna let up for like a week.
- [115:27]
A
Oh, it's gonna get hotter tomorrow. I mean, fucking Halloween around the corner. All right. Did an interview. I never thought I'd be doing a lot of these, but I'm doing a lot of these now. You can imagine. Imagine all the press, all the buzz around Jimmy Kimmel, right? Just hosting the emmys, going to 11:30 and all that stuff.
- [115:49]
B
When you said you're at the Kimmel center, part of me initially was like, holy shit. Now he's a centering after him.
- [115:53]
E
Yeah, I know you were at the Kimmel center yesterday. And by the way, kudos to Sonny on the roof. Got right over there, took A look at that 40 foot drop and was fine. He had some balls yesterday.
- [116:05]
A
Oh, yeah, right. People don't know what the fuck you're talking. People have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Do you understand? Remember, conversation with.
- [116:14]
E
Now you can explain it.
- [116:15]
A
Now you explain what we're talking about. I was at the Kimmel center in Philadelphia.
- [116:19]
E
I understand that.
- [116:20]
A
So you say, speaking of the Kimmel center, and then you went and told a story that I didn't understand and I was there.
- [116:25]
E
Well, we went and watched football yesterday over at Jimmy's place, meaning where he shoots. And Uncle Ray was there. I was there with Sonny and Adam.
- [116:34]
A
And my feeling is like, listen, my son is not being exposed to enough secondhand smoke. So he should go up to the roof with Uncle Ray and watch him smoke. Yeah, right.
- [116:44]
E
So I thought it was a great idea.
- [116:45]
A
They went up to the roof and he looked over the edge.
- [116:48]
E
Yeah, he sure did.
- [116:49]
A
All right.
- [116:50]
E
Not scared at all.
- [116:51]
A
Right Above Hollywood Boulevard.
- [116:52]
E
Above Hollywood Boulevard and took a look over at Hollywood Chic center over there. Hollywood High. Good boy.
- [117:00]
A
Love that boy calling high school the chic center. All right, but you did explain that one. Yeah. All right, got it. So, yes, Kimmel on fire. Obviously everyone's writing an article and all that kind of stuff. And between Dr. Drew and Jimmy Kimmel, everyone's writing an article. And guess who they have to talk to when they're writing an article. Half the interviews I do are, let's be fair, three quarters of the interviews I do are about Dr. Drew and Jimmy Kimmel. And I have to talk to these people for fucking hour. But it's like you're doing an interview, but it's people asking you, you about.
- [117:35]
C
About your successful friends.
- [117:36]
A
About your successful friends. Yes. So I did one with New York Magazine today, and it's kind of interesting because it kind of forces you to go through, you know, take that walk down memory lane. But I just thought, who else would have to do this times two, you know what I mean? Like, all right, people have had more than. Most people don't have a partner. Most people don't have two partners. And then most people don't have those two partners go on to fantastic success. Success all the time.
- [118:04]
C
Well, I promise you, I never will.
- [118:06]
A
Thank you. Thank you. I like that commitment for you as well, Bald Brian. Let's have no success.
- [118:11]
E
I'm sure they've been interviewed about you too, right?
- [118:13]
A
I just peed.
- [118:15]
E
Never.
- [118:15]
A
I. I like to think now, well, not, not nearly with the. Not. Not as frequently as those two have been doing. Whatever those two have been doing. Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure it's come up.
- [118:27]
C
I get asked about when I'm doing interviews, but it's not like they're contacting me to do a story about Adam.
- [118:33]
A
Yes, I have it happen.
- [118:35]
C
When I'm doing an interview about me, the majority of questions they want to ask me about are about Adam.
- [118:40]
A
It feels better. But I have this thing. But you have to understand, it's the publications too. Like, they go, oh, the New York, New York magazine wants to know if they. And Matt always never phrases it correctly. It's always New York magazine. The Porcelain podcast Punisher wants to talk to you for a few minutes. Oh, about the success about Jimmy Kimmel. So I got that, I got that. And Dr. Drew also. I did O'Reilly today and I mentioned something I was talking about on stage in Joliet on Friday night. I said the space shuttle, right. I don't know if you saw the space shuttle making its way through, through la.
- [119:23]
E
I went, I went Sunday morning you did. I did a Banzai run down there.
- [119:27]
A
How'd that go?
- [119:28]
E
Went really well. Went well. Just zoomed down, you know, Western, gotten a little Koreatown traffic, parked over on Martin Luther King, ran a couple of blocks to Vermont, checked it out, took a bunch of pictures. Never seen so many prideful black people in your life.
- [119:44]
A
Really?
- [119:44]
E
Yeah, just cheering and hooping it up. It was awesome, awesome spectacle.
- [119:49]
A
By the way, I was saying that what they should have done is instead of going directly from LAX to the museum over there in downtown LA, they should have taken a trip up the 405, hit the Mexican border and done a couple of laps and said, hey, folks, you want one of these?
- [120:08]
B
It's the dangling carrot.
- [120:10]
A
Yeah. Put down the machete. Stop the drug wars and go ahead and hit the book. You get one of these. And then I would have kept it going. I would have said, and by the way, we're done with this. This is basically, this is a mothball. This is an eight track for us. This is old school technology. But if you'd like one of these for yourselves, got to stop paying off the cops and paying off the politicians and the drug lords and the killing and the corruption and little focus on education. You could build one of these yourself. I'm not saying do it for months. Just a couple of victory laps, just to kind of rub it in, you know.
- [120:52]
E
It looks pretty base too, when you're looking at the thing up close. It doesn't look that Complicated.
- [120:57]
A
Everything is simpler when you see it up close. I mean, it really looks. It really.
- [121:03]
E
They don't look nearly as intimidating or mind boggling.
- [121:08]
A
But the thing that's mind boggling about that thing is how short the wingspan is. Crazy.
- [121:15]
E
It's only like 50ft.
- [121:17]
A
It's like a delta wing that has almost no wing to it. It's heavier than shit and it glides. There's no power. We've talked about it before, the fact that it leaves somewhere, you know, it enters over Argentina somewhere or something, and it's got to make it back to the Mojave Desert. And it's got one chance because it cannot do that thing where it goes. No gonna give it a little throttle and bring it back around again and re. Approach. You get one approach with this motherfucker. It weighs thousands of tons. And you get one fucking approach and they hit it every fucking time. From outer space.
- [121:54]
C
Things from outer space. Ray earlier said that he would like to fall from space.
- [121:59]
A
Oh, Ray, I told you we'd easily shove you in that balloon and toss you out there.
- [122:04]
E
I want to go beat the guy by like one foot.
- [122:08]
C
Not having heard what you said, he on his own offered that. He's something he's been thinking about, all right.
- [122:13]
A
I saw it. I do it. I had a. Had a nice weird conversation with my dad today. He's feeling better.
- [122:21]
B
You just had a nice conversation.
- [122:23]
A
It was weird. He was in his wheelchair, he was on the mat end and you know, he had his near death experience or his sort of death death experience. He sort of went into cardiac arrest and he kind of flatlined. And then he came back and I told him, as I said to Ray during the time, I said, my dad's been basically training to die for 50 years. Like, seriously, that's been his work. I know that sounds horrible, but it's really what he's been doing. He's been. I said to him today, well, seriously, every fucking weekend he spent, you know, at some camp and meditation and deep thought and, you know, he's been really.
- [123:05]
E
Why is that?
- [123:06]
A
Training for death, my dad? I don't say obsessed with death. There's two types of obsessed with death. There's the version of it that comes from like Latin America where they, you know, throw balls of fire and they draw a bunch of skeletons on shit. And then there's a sort of quiet, sort of yogi's preparation, the Zen. I am going to detach myself from all that is on the planet. And thus when I go, there'll be nothing to miss. And my dad's been working that angle and he's been talking about it. He talked about it when he does his lectures and he talks about sort of letting go and all that stuff. And out of anybody I know, nobody's been working, working more about toward that than my dad. That's what he's been doing. And I said to him today, I said, you know, dad, for you, this is amazing because you've been, you know, most people work on this and then you die, but you don't get to die and sort of come back. I said, you're like a guy who's been digging up dinosaur bones for the last 50 years, and then you actually got to see a live dinosaur for a couple seconds. I mean, most people don't get to see that. So he said, yeah. And he told me about the dream or about the experience or about what was going on. And he said, you know, he went, there was a nurse. Oh, I'm sorry. There was a woman who was dressed as a clown. I thought was weird because I said, it's usually dude clowns. You know, you don't see so many women clowns. Hobokeli comes to of mine, you know, but not so many chicks.
- [124:41]
C
It's hard for lady clowns.
- [124:42]
A
Yeah, it's hard to make a buck. Plus getting paid 75 cents on the dollar. Rough when you're in the clown business because they don't make a ton anyway.
- [124:50]
B
Literally 75 cents. It's literally 75 cents.
- [124:53]
A
Literally 75 cents. So he told me about, like a female clown. And she brought him into this room and she sat him down and there were like other people there, and he wanted. Oh, please. He wanted to go back. And she kept calling him Mr. Carolla and stuff like that. And, you know, I said I didn't want to shit on his point, but I said, you know, dad, you had a lot of sort of harpy nurses who were coming into the room. I was there when he was sort of laying there with all the tubes and shit coming off of him. Maybe this is just my atheist angle on the whole thing, but when he was laying there with the tubes coming out of him and he was sort of in and out, out with the Michael Jackson happy milk pumping through him. There was women that were like leaning over him going, Mr. Carolla. Mr. Carolla, can you hear me? We're gonna change your thumb. You know, we're gonna pull your thing out. We're gonna get some blood, Mr. Carolla. And I could see in his mind also that, you know, they wore pretty heavy on the mascara. And leaning over the bed. I think that's probably where the female clown with the. The did you Corolla thing. I did. I didn't want to shit on his point, but, you know, I thought I said, dad, you were in and out, in and out, in and out. And probably had these women just dancing like a dream, like the world's most annoying dream catcher over your bed. Just. Mr. Carolla. Mr. Carolla, imagine a dream catcher like something. Way too much eyeliner. Mr. Carolla, we're gonna change your diaper now. Mr. Carolla, we'RE gonna lift you up now. And can you hear us?
- [126:33]
C
Can be a gift at that point.
- [126:34]
E
Yeah, I like how he's hostile over there, too.
- [126:38]
A
Yeah, he's being a dick to him sometimes.
- [126:40]
C
So, wait, does he think this was a dream he had? Or he thinks this is what he saw when he died, or what is this to him?
- [126:47]
A
Well, you know, I do believe it's all of the above. Like, when you die, there has to be some brain activity that goes on. I mean, there's electricity in your brain that's being shut off or infused with energy or whatever it is. And I'm sure there's a common phenomenon for a lot of activity. Whatever that shaft of light is, or whatever that. Whatever happens. It doesn't seem that out of the ordinary to me that somebody would have an experience other than it's just they flicked the light switch off and I was out. It's never, never that.
- [127:21]
C
Usually not clowns, though.
- [127:22]
A
No, that's true.
- [127:23]
E
So what happened with the clown waiting room clown thing? Sounds like Beetlejuice juice.
- [127:27]
A
Hmm. Yeah. So he said he was just in the waiting room, and there's a few other people, and they were, like, sort of sleeping on the floor, and he was explaining that they needed. He needed to go back or something, and that this person seemed to know both, you know, where he was going in a good way and in a bad way, and seemed to have control over it. And he said. And then. Then I had a revelation, and then I looked at my phone and I said, oh, I got to do O'Reilly. And that was it. So I don't know. I don't know. We'll find out.
- [128:03]
C
That does sound like a weird question.
- [128:03]
A
We'll get to the bottom of it. Yeah. All right. Home improvement there, Rezo. Do we have a. We have a theme song. The Ace Man's lips to those in
- [128:20]
E
need they cover it all.
- [128:23]
A
A to Z, roof to basement. And in between Raised on the ladder and Ace got the hammer. It's Ace on the house. So weird that the Tonight show played that song when I came out two months ago. Awesome. Stamps.com, baby. Oh, yeah. You got yourself a company. You're leasing one of those postage meters. You think that's a good idea? Nay. I say nay to that, good sir. Now there's a better way. Stamps.com. you can save up to 80%. 80%? That's almost 50%. That's almost half compared to your postage meter. With no hidden fees. That's right, dad. No long term contracts. No extra hardware to buy. Yeah, assistant Matt uses it here. Oh, great. Yep, it's stamps.com right here. It's kind of weird, you know. My dad's going home from the hospital in two days now. I don't know what the visiting schedule's like. You know what I mean?
- [129:27]
E
I think you're allowed to show up anytime you want.
- [129:29]
A
Now where?
- [129:31]
E
House.
- [129:32]
A
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Where were we at? You know what I mean? What's. What kind of tip? Can I. I'm asking for a tip that's not going to cost me much, but it's not insulting. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, I mean every day, Tuesdays and Thursdays, every day is a kind of a cruise out Altadena or wherever he is over there. Anyway, special offer, no risk. No risk. Dad, listen, let me finish. No risk Trial. That's right. That's right. You can get a digital scale, 55 bucks free. 55 bucks free postage. And the digital scale only if you enter Atom. So you save a whole bunch of money. You get the free postage again. 55 bucks free postage. Only if you use. And the digital scale goes right in the computer. Only if you enter Adam. It goes right in the computer and then prints out exactly what you need. Go to stamps.com. now click on the microphone in the top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That is stamps.com promo code. Adam. All right, Razo.
- [130:27]
E
Also, Ace, this segment is sponsored by MaximaStyle.com for best selection on energy saving LED bulbs like this one, the ones we use here in the studio, go to Maxima. M A X X I m astyle.com.
- [130:41]
A
yeah, they gave us all our stuff here and it just looks. It looks good.
- [130:46]
E
It does look good. You look good.
- [130:48]
A
It was saving wattage as well. All right, Ray, line two. Say Jimmy from Pennsylvania, close the house. Got some advice, Brian? You have a question as well?
- [130:57]
B
I do.
- [130:58]
A
We got a Wooden fence that has fallen down. Let's power through this. We'll get Brian's at the end. Robbie. Hey, Adam. What's going on, my brother? Hey, just wanted to say, huge fan. Been listening to the podcast since day one. Thanks. I'm a mechanical engineer in Dallas and I want to confirm what Alison says. All architects are assholes.
- [131:17]
C
Thank you.
- [131:18]
A
Wow.
- [131:18]
C
Thank you very much.
- [131:20]
E
Engineers are good, though.
- [131:21]
A
Finally. Sweet. Sweet. Do a little H Vac engineering in Dallas. H Vac stuff. Yep. All right. Do you own your own home?
- [131:31]
B
I do.
- [131:31]
A
How old are you? 27. Ray, how old are you?
- [131:35]
E
Huh?
- [131:37]
A
49.
- [131:38]
E
Yeah. You know how fucking old I am?
- [131:40]
A
Uh huh. And where are you living now?
- [131:42]
E
In six months, with the. In the new house that you bought me.
- [131:46]
A
Living in an apartment. Where's your truck?
- [131:49]
E
Out on the street.
- [131:50]
A
Really? Yeah. Now, your white truck that I fucking threw out of this parking lot.
- [131:56]
E
I don't know which truck. I have many.
- [131:58]
A
The white truck that I threw out of this parking lot is in your
- [132:03]
E
new parking lot at your new warehouse.
- [132:05]
A
Right.
- [132:06]
E
Which. It will be vacant soon, I suppose.
- [132:09]
A
Right.
- [132:09]
E
Wait, where?
- [132:09]
A
Where? What is your plan?
- [132:11]
E
Hey, what is the plan, Robbie? What's your question?
- [132:14]
C
Next caller.
- [132:15]
E
What's the plan?
- [132:16]
A
For what? Hold on.
- [132:18]
E
Right, I'm gonna donate it or I'm gonna get rid of. I don't know.
- [132:21]
A
Wait, you guys.
- [132:22]
D
What?
- [132:22]
A
Hold on. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, I get to use you as a fine, fine example when I talk to people. Ray had his truck in my parking lot here for about two, three years. I said to Ray a bunch of times, get it out.
- [132:36]
E
This segment is sponsored by Maxima Style.
- [132:40]
A
I said, pick your time, Ray. Pick your time. I gave him a month or three weeks or whatever it is. And then I finally called Jay and I said, jay, call the Jews for Jesus and get that piece of shit out of here. We're donating. Ray said, fuck that, I'm keeping it. Ray gassed it up, fired it up, started up and drove it to a vacant lot off of Colfax. It then sat there for five years. Word could be viewed. I can't hear every day.
- [133:06]
E
I'm sorry, I've never heard this before.
- [133:08]
A
Then about six months ago, I found it in my other warehouse's parking lot. And I said, what the fuck is this doing in here? And Ray said, I'm selling it in a month. And that was six months ago.
- [133:18]
E
That's true. No, it wasn't six months, six months ago, not three months ago.
- [133:21]
A
Whatever you sell it for, if it's under $100,000. At this point, you're getting ripped off.
- [133:26]
E
That's true. That is true.
- [133:27]
A
What is it? Why, Robbie? Why do unsuccessful people cling to one thing and never let it go?
- [133:33]
E
Maybe I have some attachment disorders. Maybe I have some.
- [133:37]
A
Why do I go to your dad for 20 years? Why don't you just listen to me?
- [133:40]
B
What are you doing?
- [133:41]
A
Leave it alone. Get rid of it. I told you, get the rid of it five years ago. Why not?
- [133:45]
E
Why are we going to argue right now?
- [133:46]
A
Why don't you just listen to me? Just get it. Fine. Ray, look around.
- [133:51]
E
Okay?
- [133:51]
A
Listen to me. You want to listen to you? I don't want to listen in my parking lot because you're gonna make this $400, Ray.
- [134:03]
E
This segment has been sponsored by Max.
- [134:07]
A
It's so fucking sad. It's the code. It's just too much. I'll do it.
- [134:14]
E
It'll be gone by the end of the week. I'll donate it for Jews for Jesus.
- [134:17]
A
Thank you. You. Now, where were we? No, we're with Robbie.
- [134:20]
E
27.
- [134:21]
A
It's so sad. It's my whole life of just telling people, look, do this. Listen to me. Trust me. And it's like, no.
- [134:27]
E
Can we.
- [134:28]
A
Can we help Robbie out?
- [134:31]
E
Right?
- [134:31]
A
You have a truck, Robbie?
- [134:32]
C
Next color.
- [134:33]
E
You want one? I got one.
- [134:36]
A
You want a free. Free F. Ford 150 standard bed. It's got a bodyless.
- [134:42]
E
Do your get.
- [134:44]
A
Come on, now. I'm angry. Yeah. Jesus Christ.
- [134:46]
E
Get some angry in you, Robbie.
- [134:50]
A
Sir? Yeah, 27. Already own a home. Yep. Question? Yeah, I share about 30ft of fence with my neighbor. Wood fence. Wood posting. It rotted at the bottom and fell over. I kind of. I lied to your call screener and told him I had a question for you. I've already replaced the fence with my neighbor who promised to split the cost with me. I did all the labor, bought all the supplies, fronted everything, itemized all the receipts, came out to $280. I went over to his house cheap and knocked on the door and said, I need $140. And he said he'd get it to me. A month later, he showed up to my front door, knocked on my door and hands me a wad of cash and says, thanks a lot. I open enough. $70. He went half on.
- [135:34]
E
Then he said, half on the one.
- [135:36]
A
He said he'll get me the other half later. He's a homeowner and he can't give me the $140.
- [135:42]
B
What do I do about that?
- [135:43]
E
People tell him to come and get my truck.
- [135:45]
A
Have a serious character. Have serious character issues. Serious character. Getting down. He was Hispanic. What? Now listen. How dare you send Ozzy to collect it? Listen, I've had it happen. I've had it happen with my neighbor. I've had two things with my neighbor. I've had my neighbor go. I. I wanted a tree. We wanted a tree cut down or whatever. I said, yeah, I'll have my guy do it, and we'll just split the cost, you know, whatever it is. And he did it. And it was, I don't know, 600 bucks. And I paid him. And I've never heard a word from him. Like, that's how people are wired. Yeah. And then I had the other guy down the hill, Frederick, thank God that ass moved out, who came up and had something done with his tree or something, then handed me the bill. Like, people, here's the definition of character. And here's where we're having huge problems in this country. And here's where we're going to slide off a fucking cliff. Please understand, there are not enough cops, principals, counselors or whatever, probation officers. There is just not enough to keep society on its tracks. We have to keep society on their tracks. And there has to be something. Something called character. It is fucking gone. It's every man for themselves. The way you judge what's owed to you and the way you feel about yourself versus what you do if you're in the other position is an entirely different thing. And it used to be how you measured maturity. And like I said, it was called character. I had a guy completely destroy my call car and then flee. And they. They caught up to him. And I just, you know, he's like, hey, let's keep the cops out of this. And I said, look, the guy's name was Kenny Low. Blue book on my car was like 3,400 bucks. And high blue book was like 4,400 bucks. And I said, let's just. We'll just meet in the middle. Whatever. Whatever the middle is, you know, four grand, whatever it is, meet you. Or 3900 or whatever. We'll just meet in the middle. And he's like, yeah, all right. Never heard from him again. And then finally, I had to take him to court. And then when he got to court, he started lying to the judge, you know, your honor, all four tires were bald. Tires were bald. I said, no, they weren't. They were brand new. And then he was like, they're bald. And then he was like, all right, I'll be a big man. 3500 or something. And I said, no, we'll meet in the middle. And he's like, okay. And I said, listen, listen. I have an envelope filled with receipts. One of the receipts is for new tires. Would you like me to go to the judge's chambers and pull this out
- [138:27]
E
of the air conditioning?
- [138:28]
A
Pin that? And he was like, yeah, you know what? Fine. Let the baby have their bottle. Total fucking prick. We are at this point now, and I see it every mother fucking day in this society, People have no fucking common decency. They have no fucking pride anymore. And they don't have. Basically. Yes, go ahead.
- [138:51]
B
No, I'll let you finish. But it's like the thing with the keys in the door earlier. Sometimes when you propose a compromise, you come off as weak. Not you, but one comes off as weak. When you say, well, meet in the middle, that's like, I have room to go down. You know what I mean? Like, we can share the blame on this. Keys and the lock. Nope.
- [139:09]
A
Well, I don't.
- [139:09]
E
I don't think that was big of you. That was kind of.
- [139:12]
A
I cannot tell you how many fucking people owe me money, how many people owe me money, have never paid me back. Never, never ever. Never fucking happen. And they don't give a shit. That's the weird thing. Gone. Pride and decency is gone. People will let you do everything, do all the work, do all the labor, front all the materials and everything, and then won't. And then if you come after them for half, they will fucking hassle you and you'll get half that. I mean, that's where we're at now. It's sad. Now, look, the good news is you're one of the decent people and you'll be fine. The people who try to pull this shit magically are always the losers. If you go and find those people that have the least.
- [139:58]
E
Yeah, karma always gets you.
- [140:00]
A
No, it's not karma, Truckman, your case. Get it the fuck out of my parking lot. But listen, I'm gonna throw something. Jesus Christ, Ray. Well, really, of me? Of all people. Of all people, me? You want to do that to me, Ray? No, I don't want to do anything. What, do you have some kind of retard death wish? Of all.
- [140:23]
E
Oh, yeah, that's it. You're right.
- [140:25]
A
Right?
- [140:26]
C
You brought the truck back.
- [140:27]
E
I'll get back, all right?
- [140:31]
A
What am I doing here? I thought I was doing a second for five years. You can't leave it for another fucking year. Sell the dirt lot. Why'd you even Move it out of the dirt lot.
- [140:41]
C
Next caller. I have a thought about the Robbie thing, which is that it's not worth it for $70. Just eat it and be like, that guy's an ass.
- [140:50]
A
Here's the deal. You now know who this person is. And you never realize who this person is.
- [140:55]
C
He's a Hispanic.
- [140:55]
A
And they. And they do. And here's the thing, Robbie.
- [140:58]
B
I'm still shaking from his comment.
- [141:00]
A
Well, listen, baby, this is the one guy we found who doesn't like our architects. Oh my God, he's like Mexicans or architects. So is he a genius or is he a bigot? Or both. Or both. Smaller sniff, Robbie. Sir. Yeah, look, obviously this guy should have said, not only am I gonna pay you half, but I'm gonna give you another hundred bucks for gas money and picking up the shit. Killing a weekend and all that kind of stuff people have.
- [141:30]
E
Tell them to come pick up truck.
- [141:31]
A
Zero dignity. But look, here's the good news is. The good news is you'll always be better off than these people. Always. Always the most generous guy. I know. I've said it a million times. Jimmy Kimmel, he's the richest guy I know. That's the way it works. And the people that are grubbers always have nothing. And this is the cheapest little lesson you'll ever need to learn. It's 75 bucks. And you'll never have to do another thing for this ass wipe. But again, these people don't look at themselves as thieves or liars. My neighbor doesn't think of himself as a thief or a liar. We just.
- [142:08]
C
Everyone has a justification for every fucked up thing they do. That's another lesson which is hard to learn. Which is that everyone is the victim and the hero in their own mind.
- [142:18]
E
They're not conscious of it at all.
- [142:20]
A
They are people that want work at a store. They work the cash register. The math, whenever they fuck it up, is always in their favor. And they never understand that it's always in their favor. And they would be rip shit and livid if they were on the other side of the cash register and you shorted them. These same people have shit fits when this kind of stuff happens to them. But when it has to do with the them completely different set of rules. It's called character. See, kids are born without it. Nobody is born with it. And you learn it. We do not stress it in our society anymore. And thus you have people cheating.
- [143:04]
C
I mean, I see people lying to our call screeners.
- [143:06]
A
I have people all the time like you Turn on those, you know, Friday night news shows and you show some guys, like one of those computer hacker guys, and he's like, yeah, I download music for free. What of it? You know what? Those guys make enough money. They, first off, they charge too much for their live tickets. They make, I don't know. And they go, but you're stealing the song from this artist who makes their money. You know what? They've got enough money. It's like, really? How would you feel if you fucking were in a studio and you paid for musicians and you paid engineers and you put this stuff together and then a bunch of fucking 27 year old assholes wearing knit hats were like, who cares? Really? You sure? This sounds really wildly convenient. And not only are they saying it, they're doing it with fucking gossip. Yeah, it's bravado now.
- [143:54]
E
It's like righteousness and bravado.
- [143:56]
A
Like they're going to fucking decide who has enough money. Like those guys get paid plenty of money. They're not going to miss my 99 cents. Yeah, I mean, 80% of music is now just ripped off. I mean 80% of art is just ripped off the fucking Internet. And the people sit around and look, guys that are, they're not even sheepish about it. They're just like, look, man, I don't have that much money. And they got a lot of money and fuck that and fuck them. And they got a limousine and you know, I drive a fucking Taurus. So screw that. It's like, what? What a dick. And I would like to find the parents of these guys and go, hey, yes, your son, Joe. Slacker, 27 year old with the fucking wool nip cap.
- [144:39]
B
A little Joey.
- [144:40]
A
Horrible, horrible job with this piece of shit you call a son. Fucking dicks. And thanks for unleashing this narcissist on our society, Jimmy. How can we. What can we do you for? Hey, first of all, I'm a little upset that I can't get Mangria in Pennsylvania. I can't cross the border, whatever.
- [144:59]
B
Blame the Amish.
- [145:00]
A
Can't ship it. Yeah, you have to go to like a special store to buy beer and a special store to buy liquor. It is one of these what year is it? Situations, especially with booze, it's insane. But thanks, we'll try to get it into a store near you soon. Go ahead, Jimmy. But anyway, my question was, first of all, I spoke with you guys like November of last year about screening in a porch for smoking during the winter. And you told me to stop smoking and buy A house. And I just closed on my first house today. Really? How old are you? 34. Wow. Right. How old are you?
- [145:35]
E
Truck, truck, truck, truck, truck.
- [145:40]
A
But my question was the house is living ready. But there's always going to be like little projects that you need to do. I was just curious, like, how do you prioritize what projects you should do over another one?
- [145:54]
E
Anything getting wet.
- [145:55]
A
Yes, that's first.
- [145:59]
E
Do you understand, like any seepage, caulking, things of that nature.
- [146:03]
A
Caulkage seepage, all the big edges, your major 3 inches leakage, caulkage seepage. Go with that. Yeah. I don't know, whatever the fuck, whatever kind of mood you're in, I mean, work on something for a while and then work on something else for a while. But yeah, anything to do with water, sewage and anything that. There's some things that need to be like. There's some things that are like. Yeah, there's a baseboard that has a chunk taken out of it because your kid hit it with its rollerblade or something. Something. But that can wait as long as you want. That's purely aesthetic. And then there's other things that are growing black mold spores as we speak. All right, bald Brian, what do you got, buddy?
- [146:40]
B
I actually took a video to illustrate. This is a good pod. And there's an issue with my toilet. And you guys addressed the ball cock thing last time. I don't know if this is that, but go ahead and play the video. Sound. It makes a funny noise when it's refilling. Flush is fun. It's a funny noise. Leaf fell closest normally, but then,
- [147:02]
E
Brian,
- [147:03]
B
the very weird sound doesn't quite refill all at once. I have no idea. Hear that off and on.
- [147:14]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [147:16]
B
First of all, bubbles coming out there.
- [147:18]
E
Can you see that tube, Brian? Yeah, coming out. That's supposed to go inside that pipe.
- [147:22]
B
Oh, inside the pipe.
- [147:26]
A
That's what fills it up. Now he's got the flap style.
- [147:30]
E
The flapper. Yeah.
- [147:31]
B
This was put in before I obviously had the house.
- [147:33]
A
Right. All right, so put that. I think if you put that tube inside.
- [147:36]
E
Put the tube inside the pipe, that's
- [147:38]
A
going to throw the bowl up. Yeah. But now why is that thing?
- [147:42]
E
It's probably got a ton of sediment in it.
- [147:44]
A
Yeah. It's up and it builds. Holds up enough pressure and then it pushes through and then it puts up enough pressure. It's a 799 Home Depot item.
- [147:52]
B
What's it called?
- [147:53]
A
Well, it's like it's a assembly. It's not A ball cock assembly. It's a. Just get the flushes. Yeah, just get.
- [148:00]
E
Well, you get the whole thing. It's called Master. Jesus Christ. I can't remember it.
- [148:04]
B
Now, you'll be up on our side. I assume you can all see what we're talking about.
- [148:07]
A
Either way, it's. It's an easy fix. And everybody who has a toy, it's a couple years old should replace it with that. You don't realize how much that stuff runs. And it's again, $12.99. The whole thing. Home Depot do it by hand. No big deal.
- [148:24]
E
And regardless of what kind you have, it's applicable for it.
- [148:27]
A
Yeah.
- [148:27]
B
Okay.
- [148:28]
A
All right, we have the DTR Don't Tell Ray Party pack, everyone. The T shirt, the book autographed by me and Ray, now available through our store. And less than 100 left, so you don't want to miss out on these.
- [148:40]
E
Don't Truck Ray.
- [148:41]
A
The dtr. Dtr. Don't Tell Ray. Yes, it is the party shirt. It is the book and signed by me and Ray.
- [148:53]
E
And you should get it and you should read it.
- [148:55]
A
Yes. And you should read Ray's chapter. And if you want to check out Ray, you can check him out on Ace on the house. How about that?
- [149:03]
E
That's true.
- [149:04]
A
Also, you can tweet him. Ayoldhoffer, everyone. And again, we do our Ace on the House show every.
- [149:12]
E
I think I'm gonna take a picture of my truck and tweet it.
- [149:14]
A
Yeah. Can you do that? Sure. Yeah. Take a picture of that piece of shit and do that, would you, please? All right. Why did you have to move it out of the dirt lot?
- [149:22]
E
I just didn't want it there anymore.
- [149:24]
A
I wanted it to be in your four years.
- [149:26]
E
I wanted it to be in your graces. I think I'm fucking with you at some level. I'm not really sure. I gotta figure it out. I'll go talk to your dad.
- [149:34]
A
You gotta write. You gotta write a book.
- [149:36]
E
I might.
- [149:36]
A
Yeah.
- [149:37]
E
There's some pictures of you in there.
- [149:38]
A
Yeah.
- [149:39]
B
Hello.
- [149:39]
A
Live podcast, by the way. Irvine Improv this Wednesday night, October 17th. And also Cobbs Comedy Club, San Francisco, coming up on November 17th and 18th. We got four big shows there and we're gonna have the Mangria out flowing nicely in Irvine. So check that out. Cobbs as well. All right, we'll take ourselves a quick break. Ah, Carol Polis is here. She wrote a book called the lady is a Champ. It's Carol's story of being the first female professional boxing judge. I Got a lot of her cool fights here and I want to talk to her about what that was like. Take a quick break.
- [150:22]
E
Thank you, Adam.
- [150:24]
A
She did Tyson and Buster Mathis. Oh, Larry Holmes.
- [150:28]
E
And that was 50 to 1, right?
- [150:31]
A
Yeah, 51. Buster Douglas Jr. Well, no, wait a minute. Oh, different Buster. Sorry. Yeah. Still a good fight. Larry Holmes. All right, we'll get to that. Quick break. Right back. Yeah. Welcome back to the program. Carol Polis here. The lady is a champ. It's Carol's story. Being the first female professional boxing judge. You want to talk about an all dude sport, especially the judging and reporting and commentating, you can get it at Amazon and as you know, if you're going to get it at Amazon, click through our site, Babies, show us a little love. Go to AdamCroll.com hit the Amazon banner and then grab the book. Win, win, baby. So let's talk about this, Carol. How did you get started? When did you get started?
- [151:20]
D
Well, basically I was appointed by the governor of Pennsylvania in 1973 as the first woman professional boxing judge in the United States. And several years later I found out it really was the world, which I much prefer. Yeah, it was through my husband at the time, he's now my ex husband, and he was a referee beside being a stockbroker. And he used to take me to the fights with him and I found them very cruel and very barbaric and I could never understand why when there was a lot of bleeding that the fights weren't stopped. But through the almost 40 years which it will be February 1st, I've learned basically through osmosis that the only way they will stop the fight is if the blood interferes with vision. And I as a judge am not allowed to do that. That can only come from the ring diagram. Dr. And there always are two or the referee.
- [152:14]
A
And you remember your first fight very well.
- [152:18]
D
Two heavyweight champions. One was Jimmy Young and the other was Ernie the Acorn Shavers.
- [152:25]
A
Ernie Shavers.
- [152:26]
D
And my commissioner came over to me, Zach Clayton, who was a former Harlem Globetrotter as well as a very famous ref himself. And he said to me, are you nervous? I said, yes, very nervous.
- [152:39]
A
Why would they put you in a championship fight for your first fight, I guess?
- [152:43]
D
Well, I had been studying for a year and a half a little rules and regulations book that they had sent me. It was very tiny but extremely thick. So every time I.
- [152:52]
A
Seems annoying.
- [152:53]
D
Very. So every time I would go to the fights with my husband, I guess you could say the oral part of the exam was that the Commissioner would ask me on the spot questions. And the written part was he always compared my scores with those of the male judges and he always told me he liked mine better than the male judge.
- [153:11]
A
Oh, so you were sort of like dry judging these fights or auditing these fights. And it's kind of interesting. So you would go to these fights and he would ask you what your scorecard was, even though your scorecard wasn't official.
- [153:25]
D
Well, I would turn it in so he could compare it and then he would ask me on the the spot questions. And this went on for a year and a half. And one night he came over to me before the wind up or the main event and he said, lady, because he never called me by name, I've got good and bad news for you. I said, well, give me the bad news first. And he said, you and Bob have to drive up to Harrisburg, which was where I was living in Pennsylvania, in a suburb of Philadelphia. It was only a two hour ride. So I said, well, that's not so big. What's the good news? He said, well, you're going to be appointed as the first woman professional boxing
- [154:01]
A
judge in the country for a heavyweight championship fight. I didn't know, by the way, Ernie Shavers was known as one of the hardest hitting heavyweights of all time. But I didn't know his nickname was Acorn.
- [154:14]
D
Yes, because he was bald.
- [154:16]
A
Oh, I do remember him being bald. It was back when being bald was a little bit of a novelty.
- [154:21]
B
Brian the Academy Acorn Bishop.
- [154:23]
A
Yeah, I didn't instill because one day you'll become a mighty oak and then I'll fight you.
- [154:28]
B
You don't talk to the Acorn that way.
- [154:31]
A
Yeah, I'll get lodged in your sandal, bucko.
- [154:34]
C
I don't think of Acorn as bald. I think of Acorn as juicing.
- [154:38]
A
It's weird. I don't. Well, stuff, by the way, who knows how stuff sticks. And then I also, like, there's some guys, there's a few things about I didn't know he was. And it didn't really stick because he was always just called Ernie Shavers. I never heard him called Ernie Acorn Shavers. But that just shows your depth and breadth of knowledge in this business. But then there were guys like the Cobra and Thomas the Hitman Hearns was also the Motor City Cobra. So I don't know why you need to be the Motor if you were the Motor City Cobra. Seems like done and done in the nickname department.
- [155:16]
C
You know, like Best Foods and Hellman's.
- [155:18]
A
Yeah, like west of the Rockies, he's known as the Hitman. And then. And on east of the Rockies, he's the Motor City Cobra. So. And then there are other guys who get the same nickname more than once, which always bothers me. Like in football, it's LT and lt, but that's just because people can't say Ladanian. Ladanian. I can't even say it. Yeah, yeah, they can't say it, so they go with the lt. You remember all the other. And you say it was Jimmy Young or Jimmy.
- [155:46]
D
Jimmy Young. And when I first started off, we had some great middleweights, some terrific fighters in Philadelphia with the nicknames Willie the Worm Monroe, Benny Briscoe, Bugaloo Watts. And to me, the toughest left hander I've ever seen was a fellow by the name of Eugene Cyclone Hort. But his nickname was Killer.
- [156:06]
A
Sure, but Cyclone, what was Cyclone? That was his Christian name.
- [156:10]
D
Yeah, that was his benchmark.
- [156:11]
A
Guys with names, Guys with names. Name's like termite and stuff, you know what I mean? It'll burrow under your defense and start eating your house foundation away.
- [156:19]
B
Well, plus the name like Eugene, you got to toughen that up.
- [156:22]
A
Yeah. And then every guy. I've always said every guy named Brad is always Bad Brad Hinton, whatever it is, they put the Bad. It's the only time they put the nickname in the front and not the middle. It's always the middle. But if your name's Brad, it's Bad Brad. And then whatever it is, not Brad. Bad should have. Terry Norris was always one of those funny nicknames, too, because his name was Terrible Terry Norris. And it's like terrible at boxing. Like horrible form. Like, you can't. Right, you're down on your. You're on your heels. Can't double up that jab.
- [156:55]
B
Like.
- [156:55]
A
Yeah. And he was a pretty good boxer. So now who. So you've seen them all? You, You. I. I'm reading here that you saw Cosell's tube come off. So wig come off.
- [157:05]
D
Well, Don King had a very interesting concept. He had the United States Boxing Elimination Tournament. And the first fight was held on an aircraft carrier in Florida. The second fight was held at his old alma mater, a prison in Cleveland. And the third one I was assigned to at Annapolis. And it was a unanimous decision. And the loser didn't like that he lost. And it was a clear cut unanimous decision. So he made the announcement from the ring that he was going after the officials. Well, as you can see, I'm not very large, so I wasn't going to stand there. So I was flying to the back of the room, but out of the corner of my eye I saw him jump out of the ring, knock Howard Cosell down, and I saw something furry flying in the air. I guess I was the only one in the world that didn't know he had a toupee.
- [157:57]
A
Right.
- [157:58]
D
I didn't know what it was.
- [157:59]
C
Acorn. Cosel, sure.
- [158:01]
A
Yeah, he went all Acorn. Who won the Acorn? Who won the Ernie Shavers, Young or Ellis?
- [158:09]
D
The Acorn.
- [158:10]
A
Oh, the Acorn. A hard hitting third round. Yeah, a lot of pop. Also, there's a guy. I was looking at your list of championship fights, a guy I used to work with. Let's see, you had Virgil Hill, you had. I can't remember where I saw this one. Oh, Doakes and Weaver. Yeah, I knew. That's Michael Doakes and Michael Weaver.
- [158:35]
D
Correct.
- [158:36]
A
And I think Weaver was like Adonis or Mr. Olympia or Mr. He was called Miss Atlant. Oh, man. He had a name. He had. It was built like a brick ship house. You remember that?
- [158:50]
D
Well, a lot of them were.
- [158:51]
A
Yeah, but where? Yeah, I know.
- [158:53]
D
Ken Norton in particular.
- [158:54]
A
No. Ken? Yep. Kenny Norton. Built like a brick shithouse. I would argue that Mike Weaver was brickier and shittier than even Ken Norton. Do you agree with that? You're gonna have to see a picture. We're gonna have to show you a picture.
- [159:11]
D
I'd have to see a picture.
- [159:12]
A
Yeah, there were both brick shithouses.
- [159:14]
C
I'd like to just see two brick shots.
- [159:17]
A
That's Mike Weaver there. I mean, look at Mike Weaver's left arm. When you look at this picture and you can go to our website, you can see like it looks like he has fucking muscles that he just don't. I mean, he's not flexing or anything. He's just. He's just standing there. I knew Mike Weaver when he was in his 40s and I worked at a boxing gym and he actually lived in my apartment. After I. After I left my rent controlled apartment in Santa Monica, Weaver moved in. I guess he didn't do so well with his investments. But his arms look deformed.
- [159:45]
B
He's so muscular.
- [159:46]
A
It's weird when you swear to God, if you put on a tank top and stood next to him, they'd go, you don't have the muscles he has. And they go, no, no, his are just bigger. And you'd go, no, no, you're missing muscle groups. He has more muscle groups in his arms. Oh, well then you may have me now. This is him flexing. I'm looking at. And Ken. I'm looking at Ken Norton. Ken Norton now. And he's flexing, but it looks pretty good.
- [160:14]
C
He's abbier.
- [160:15]
A
Yeah, but he's pushing it too. Yeah, they're both shit. He was called Mike. Weaver was called like Mr. Olympia or something, or Atlas or something like that. He had a name that was like for his body.
- [160:30]
C
He has more hair on his man breast.
- [160:32]
B
That was my question. Do boxers all now shave their chest? Because you don't see the little like, you know, the beads, the nappy hair on the chest.
- [160:38]
A
Yeah, you kind of miss. I miss that weird peach fuzz on black guy's chest. I do miss that. It was never a furry.
- [160:45]
B
It just got beat it up.
- [160:46]
A
Yeah, very homo.
- [160:48]
B
Let's continue this discussion.
- [160:49]
A
Who won with Doakes and Michael Doakes and Michael Weaver.
- [160:52]
D
It was over in 1 minute and 24 seconds of the first round.
- [160:56]
A
Oh, Weaver, Weaver. Yeah.
- [160:59]
D
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
- [161:00]
A
It was Dr. Well, they're both named Mike.
- [161:02]
D
And then they had a rematch, I think, or I forget what happened.
- [161:05]
C
At what point did you start loving watching boxing, though? If you started by thinking it was brutal?
- [161:10]
D
When I got involved and I. When the commissioner showed that he had confidence in me and he liked me enough to black man stick his neck out for me, I started to take it seriously and I really got into it and have been. It'll, as I say, it'll be 40 years. February 1st.
- [161:27]
A
Hercules is Weaver versus middle name, if you want to know what he looked like with his shirt off. But now what do you have coming up?
- [161:35]
D
Nothing. Nothing on the horizon. And it's fine because I've done so many thousands and thousands of fights that I'm just kind of basking now with the book, which I'm excited about.
- [161:47]
A
The lady's a champ, by the way. Is there a fight that stands out to you that you did or maybe that you saw where they just got it wrong or that was particularly brutal or that you thought the stoppage was wrong?
- [162:04]
D
There are two. Two things that come to mind. One was a fight outside of an arena that's very famous in Philadelphia called the Blue Horizon, and that took place on the street. It was one of the most brutal fights I've ever seen.
- [162:14]
A
Who was in that one that was like in Rocky 5.
- [162:17]
D
Don't know who they were. And I was in Rocky 5, by the way.
- [162:20]
A
Wow, you were.
- [162:21]
D
I was in that movie. Yes, the one that comes to mind.
- [162:26]
A
Well, what was the one outside on
- [162:27]
B
the street, a couple Eagles fans, two
- [162:30]
D
fellas in suits and with the gold chains and with the black pointed shoes were fighting. And it like I've never seen. And the policeman just stood there and turned his back. And it wasn't a rent a Cop, it was a real police officer. It was a rough fight.
- [162:45]
A
That's. And that's. I think that's a Philly cop thing, by the way. And so where were you?
- [162:53]
D
I was trying to get to my car. It was after the fights were over. And this was on my way back to the car after the fight, and I saw this, and it was terrible. But there was a fight in Argentina that I always think about. It was held in Cordoba, and it was in an outside soccer stadium. It was a very exciting fight until one of the fighters bit the fellow from Argentina on the shoulder. Of course, we had to take a point away, sure. But that got very ugly because the manager created a scene and said the officials had fixed the fight. And it was just. My book is a combination of my life. It's a memoir, Slash. And a lot of controversial fights, unfortunately.
- [163:34]
A
Anybody ever try to grease your palm? I mean, ever have, like, Don King come over and go, you want a new car? You know what I'm saying?
- [163:44]
D
Well, after I did the Don King tournament two days later, the FBI knocked at the door because anybody involved with him, but they had already subpoenaed my little bank account. But we chatted for two hours and everything was fine. But one of my commissioners had asked me that question one time. He's a well known attorney in Philadelphia. Actually played the attorney in a couple Rocky movies. Jimmy. Ben.
- [164:10]
A
Yeah, Sly. Did some. Some casting where he didn't put a whole lot of thought into it. He just went, let's get judges to play judges. We'll get boxers to play boxers. We'll get attorneys to play attorneys.
- [164:20]
D
Well, that's not necessarily the case. I went over to the assistant director, who was about 8ft tall, and I said, I just want you to know and hand it in my car that in real life, I'm really a judge. He said, you sure? So I said, I'd love to sit in my seat for the main event. He said, mm. So at the convention center the next day, I was there in the last row, and all of a sudden I heard over the loudspeaker, would the lady judge please come to ringside? And I flew. And I sat in that seat all day and collected from all the girls that wanted to meet. Sylvester Stallone notes
- [165:00]
A
it on.
- [165:01]
D
But I was Very excited meeting Leroy Neiman. Believe it or not, he played the announcer.
- [165:06]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [165:06]
D
Famous artist, the sports artist.
- [165:08]
A
Licked the cigar and did all the paintings. And bigger scumbag, Don King, or I think it's Panama Lewis. Is it Panama Lewis, who was the guy who asked for the special water that he mixed? This great scene where he's in the corner, corner, and he's like, give me the water. And then he goes, no, give me the water I mixed. And they're like, okay, well, what was in the water? It's like, nothing was in the water. It's like, well, why did you need the water you mixed?
- [165:40]
D
Well, I don't know that story, but.
- [165:42]
A
Oh, that was. Boy, oh, boy. Now I gotta. You don't know that one.
- [165:47]
D
I don't know that one. Panama Jack or. Who did you say he was?
- [165:50]
A
Panama Lewis. I gotta. Oh, wait, hold on a second. Maybe it's not Panama Lewis. I'm gonna figure out. I'm gonna figure out this guy's name.
- [165:59]
C
It is, according to Gary, Panama Lewis.
- [166:01]
A
Oh, it is Panama Lewis. You don't know Panama Lewis?
- [166:03]
D
I don't know Panama Lewis. I'm missing out.
- [166:06]
A
All right, one. All right, I'm gonna figure out one of the greatest welterweight fights of all time, and we gotta figure out. I'm gonna figure out everyone's name at a second.
- [166:18]
D
Are you speaking about Arguaya and Alexis Arguelli?
- [166:22]
A
That was the one with the water bottle and Pryor.
- [166:24]
D
Yeah, with a water bottle. Is that the same one you're talking about?
- [166:27]
A
Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about.
- [166:28]
D
Okay, well, you know, but I didn't know who he was. The one you mentioned, the fella, he
- [166:32]
A
was put on probation. Later on, there was a big prom because. Because it was one of Alexis Arguello and Aaron Pryor, I think it was. And it was one of the best fights ever. Just ever. And Aaron Pryor just would not stop punching and would not go down and was getting hit with huge shots. And they were both, like, depleted and dehydrated. I mean, you've never seen two guys go at it that way. And Lewis was Pryor's trainer, and there was a controversy where he was in the corner because they thought that Pryor was on amphetamines or something. Like, how could he keep this pace? Up through 12 rounds. Rounds and the heat, he never stopped punching. And again, there was that thing where he's like, give me the water bottle. No, the one I mixed. And it was like, all right, why do you need the one you Mixed.
- [167:22]
C
How do you even mix water?
- [167:23]
A
I think you put something in it that keeps your man punching, like. And it was. Anyway, it was pretty insane.
- [167:30]
B
Was he involved in the fight where the guy died or was permanently injured or something? He got HBO Sports, something about that.
- [167:37]
A
Yes, he. Panama got.
- [167:39]
B
Now I remember this guy's super character,
- [167:40]
A
Panama got into a little tr. Trouble a little later with the taping
- [167:45]
B
up of the hands or something.
- [167:46]
A
Yeah, it's one of these things where if you can get old enough, if you're old enough and black enough and uneducated enough and been hit in the head enough, you can just go. Like someone could just ask you a question and they just go. You had the medical records of this fighter, yet you put him in the ring to fight solely for the money? Yeah, I don't know about that, young boy. You just can go right past. Like, you just. Everyone just sort of goes, oh, fuck it, he's nuts. Like, I can't talk to this guy. If you wear enough jewelry and just slur enough people sort of eventually leave you alone and you'll just change the subject. He's just one of these old nut jobs, I think now. But back then he was Pryor and Alexis Arguello, who's an amazing.
- [168:25]
D
I think it was a 15 round fight, by the way.
- [168:27]
A
Yeah. Oh, sorry. 15 rounds. And Alexis Arguello killed himself recently, they think.
- [168:35]
D
I'm not sure about that part, but I know that all the ring doctors got together throughout the world and they decided that the most serious damage could happen to the fighters between the 12th and the 15th round.
- [168:46]
A
Yeah.
- [168:47]
D
But I think still to this day, the real champion goes 15 rounds.
- [168:51]
A
Oh, really? Old school.
- [168:53]
D
Old school.
- [168:54]
A
Yeah. I think if you look it up, Alexis did either kill. He was running for something and. And I think he killed himself.
- [169:02]
D
Oh, boy.
- [169:03]
A
Yeah, sad. All right. But on to happier news. True. Like, he did kill himself.
- [169:07]
B
2009.
- [169:08]
A
Like e voice. Yeah, E Voice, baby. Toll free numbers. Hey, what's going on with those glasses, sweetie? There we go. Thank you. I have this hyper vigilance, which is. I notice everything that's good. It's good. Unless you move your sunglasses and it gets bad. Thanks. I don't know why. I don't know what. See, for me, that's. It doesn't matter if I close my eyes. Doesn't matter if I look at the ground. It's the loudest thing in the world. You're acting like a dick. I'm just telling you how I'm wired. I'm trying to be honest with You. Carol understands, right? Yeah. So I could see that punch before it's coming. Got the hyper vigilance. Who's the best technical boxer you ever saw?
- [169:58]
D
I'm a little prejudiced because my favorite fighter is Roberto Duran, over and above. When I saw him win the championship in 1973 from a fellow that was wearing a kilt. Ken Buchanan.
- [170:11]
A
Ken Buchanan.
- [170:12]
D
That's when he took. Won the championship. I've watched him ever since and I think he's.
- [170:17]
A
Buchanan's a black guy, isn't he?
- [170:19]
D
No, he was from Scotland.
- [170:20]
A
I'm thinking of the other Buchanan. There was a black Buchanan. All right. Anyway. All right, but then that's good. But what about the most devastating knockout in one of the most devastating knockouts is Thomas the Hitman Hearns on your beloved Roberto Duran in the second round. That was lights out. Second round, round. That's when you knew the Hitman Hearns was a bad motherfucker. Because the Cobra. The Cobra. Oh, sorry. Where were you born? Are you east of the Mississippi? The Cobra took that. It is a perfect knockout. It shows. It is the essence of boxing. It shows leverage. It has nothing to do with strength. It's a guy who's 62 Hunter, 155 pounds, using his body like a lever and just turning his hips and hitting a guy who had a rock hard granite jaw who never went down and just putting him to sleep. Just like that. Again, no muscle, all technique. Crazy, right? It is to me. We'll pull it up for you. One of the most impressive knockouts you've ever seen. And especially considering it was against Roberto Duran, who didn't go down for anybody. Just a badass guy from. Did you see that? I mean, he. You see that knockout, you see him, you see the leverage he has on that punch. And you never see Roberto Duran go down on his face. And it's right there, there. Boom. Just short, just turned. You'll see him turn on it. You'll just see him turn that right hip and just put every ounce into that one punch right there. He throws a double jab to the stomach, brings his hands down and then just turns on the right. Slow it down if you can. Boom. And you've never seen Roberto Duran crumble that way. Anybody else you like where we could pull up some footage of them getting knocked out?
- [172:34]
D
Lucky punch.
- [172:37]
A
What a technician. Just two down to the belly and then right to the head and just snapped his head just like that. God, he was a badass. I think Hearns still wants to fight. Like when Hearns talks to Sugar Ray leonard. He's like 16. He's like, let's get it on. Let's do it. You want to do this? Let's. We can do it. You pick a catch weight. Let's do it. Like he. I don't think he has the money saved up, I'm guessing, but he still wants to fight. I think he's gonna. He fought. He must have fought into his early 50s. Anyway, where was I? Evoice. Yeah, let's not get knocked out like Roberto. Hands of Stone Duran. Yeah, There's a nickname. Awesome. For the business person on the go. Voicemail. Transcribed into easy to read emails or text imessages. Calls screened automatically. You can answer the urgent call nows now let the less important ones go to voicemail. You can count on their service 24. 7 live customer support. Click on the banner at AdamCarolla.com and go to www.evoice.com Adam for six months. Six months for free. Let's get ready to rumble for half a year. Good one, Ace man. Very timely. Evoice.com Adam Six months free. Carol, we're going to do a little news. You're going to hang around crack wise.
- [174:05]
D
I certainly am.
- [174:06]
A
Yeah. Roberto Duran won. He must have fought like five different weight classes too. He started off as like a flyweight, moved his way around.
- [174:14]
D
And he's a singer. He has a big band.
- [174:16]
A
Oh, is he?
- [174:17]
D
Yes, and so does Larry Holmes. It's called the Marmalades.
- [174:22]
A
Larry's awesome.
- [174:24]
C
Lewis was Roberto Duran's corner man and I don't even know what that is.
- [174:27]
A
Yeah, well, he's a man and he's in the corner.
- [174:30]
C
That doesn't make sense.
- [174:31]
D
He works the corner.
- [174:33]
A
Panama, give me the water I mixed.
- [174:37]
C
He claimed that it was Perrier and water and tap water. That was the mix. But evidently they thought he was breaking up asthma pills to give the guy greater lung capacity.
- [174:45]
A
Well, whatever.
- [174:46]
C
I knew that the whole time. Just decided to bust it out now.
- [174:48]
A
Aaron. Was it Aaron Pryor? It was just. Just. Was a goddamn punching machine. Just could not stop punching. Unbelievable fighter. All right, here we go. Where were we? News News with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes as bad as. Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.
- [175:19]
C
So, an update on the story we talked about yesterday, where the mysterious giant eyeball rolled onto the beach in Florida.
- [175:26]
A
Yeah.
- [175:27]
C
Turns out it belongs to or belonged to A swordfish.
- [175:30]
A
Oh, really? Not at all.
- [175:32]
C
No. They know this because based on like the cuts around it, fishermen had cut it out and then thrown it back. Really, the sea is just a giant ashtray with eyeballs in it.
- [175:44]
A
Yeah. Listen, you know, I don't like to pick on nationalities, but you got to tell your Jewish friends this is unacceptable.
- [175:51]
C
That's how we fish.
- [175:52]
A
You just tell them, no, this is modern times and we don't accept this kind of behavior.
- [175:57]
C
So I did some research last night because you know how your first guess was giant squid? And I kept reading that maybe it was giant squid. And I said, stupidly, I might. I didn't realize squid had eyeballs because I just think of them as something breaded that I don't eat.
- [176:11]
A
Right.
- [176:12]
C
So I looked it up and giant squid have the biggest eyeballs of any animal.
- [176:16]
A
Yeah.
- [176:17]
C
Ever. Yeah, they're like the size of dinner plates. We're looking at one now. It's super disgusting.
- [176:22]
A
Yeah. Then there's a quarter there for scale. Although it's a miniature quarter, so it screws everything up.
- [176:27]
C
Yeah, it really does. I think they should use garbanzo beans for scale.
- [176:30]
A
And we'll just add a little regular eyeball beans. Nice.
- [176:33]
C
Yes.
- [176:35]
A
So, yeah, they have crazy giant eyeballs and they've never really captured a giant squid. You know, there's all these, oh, there's squids that get to a hundred feet long and they lived in the depths of the Marianas Trench and we've never seen one really. And, oh, they kill whales and stuff like that.
- [176:51]
C
How do they exist if we've never seen one?
- [176:53]
A
Well, first off, there's a lot of like old fishermen. Old fishermen were drunk. Those guys were.
- [176:58]
C
I would not trust them.
- [176:59]
A
Those guys were alcohol, alcoholic, misogynistic, racist guys who had like fourth grade education
- [177:05]
C
and smelled like fish.
- [177:06]
A
And we shouldn't listen to a fucking word they say. I mean, they'd go, oh, Lord. There was old lore that they would go out on the decks at night and they could hear the siren call of the mermaids. Yeah, they're fucking being drunk and horny. You've been in the sea for. Of course you're in the sea for six. Yeah.
- [177:23]
C
You're so drunk that you want to fuck a fish and you think it's half woman.
- [177:25]
A
Yeah, it turns out it's a manatee or sea turtle. Really? You're gonna. You're gonna.
- [177:29]
B
She was a man. She was a plus size mermaid. What's it to ya?
- [177:33]
A
We're in love. Listen, stand fast, buddy. Tell that Boner to stand fast. It's a fucking manatee. Listen to me, She's a plus size gal. No, you gotta be. Cut off your rum ration. No more gruel or rum for you.
- [177:48]
B
Hold your tongue. I want you to meet Suzanne.
- [177:50]
A
No, it's a manatee. It's got the word man right in it.
- [177:53]
B
Don't cheapen. I love
- [177:56]
E
you.
- [177:57]
A
Need to go back to your hammock and swing this one off.
- [177:59]
B
Done. Done. Come on, Susan.
- [178:03]
A
Don't have sex with a manatee. It's not a mermaid.
- [178:06]
B
I love the way you took me with your whiskers.
- [178:11]
A
Yeah, that's why everything looked like a chick. Because you're drunk and you're at sea for a year. Of course you got horny. Fucking bunghole in a barrel. Started looking like a chick after a while.
- [178:21]
C
Fucking bunghole in a barrel was something that they did to make the lean times go by.
- [178:26]
A
Yeah. So they always talk about the giant squid, but anything we haven't pulled up once in a while, one will wash up somewhere.
- [178:34]
B
I think fossils are a big reason too.
- [178:36]
A
Giant squids, well, yeah, but fossil is. Could be extinct. Sure, they'll do the one ones will wash up in like Australia. But they'll always do this one. It's not very satisfying. They go, giant squid washed up. You know, and then they go, this one was a 25 footer. They say they get to 80ft. You know, it's like, all right, listen, for once, I want the biggest one ever to wash up. You know what I mean? They get up to. I don't like that. They get up to, I want the biggest one ever to wash up.
- [179:04]
C
That's right. Or else I don't believe it.
- [179:05]
A
That's right.
- [179:07]
C
Sort of like how in the Bible everything is super exaggerated.
- [179:10]
A
Mm. The Bible and giant squid. It's always the squid. Same storytellers. I think one did about three. So there's a story like two, three years ago, one giant squid washed up somewhere.
- [179:23]
C
If I ever had beachfront property, and I will someday, I don't want anything washing up on it.
- [179:28]
A
Yeah, it's a good point.
- [179:29]
C
Not a can, not a shoe, not a giant squid. And not an eyeball.
- [179:32]
A
No. And not even a message in a bottle. Because you'd have to now you're obligated.
- [179:39]
C
Yeah, I don't want to be responsible.
- [179:40]
A
Some fucking Cub scout threw that in the water in 1961. And now you gotta go run him down and see how fat and baw.
- [179:46]
C
Right. And if it's on Facebook, I'll Facebook it and then I'm done.
- [179:49]
A
Now you know what I would do? I just find that message in a bottle and then I'd like look around and like put the cork back in and toss it, send it on down, wipe it down with my sleeve, you know what I mean? Just make sure it's clean. I don't want my prints on this thing. And toss it right back. Send it right back to Davy Jones locker. By the way, what do you think you're gonna get? Some guy's gonna knock on your door, some 50 year old guy. Hey, listen, I dropped a bottle off in the bay about 40 years ago. You didn't see anything at all, did you? Then your wife chimes in, well, we did. Sh. Christ. What about that bottle? No, different bottle, different note. Dyke guy return that. Nothing to do with you, Steve. Oh, shit.
- [180:30]
B
How did you.
- [180:31]
A
Hey, wait a minute, I guessed. Guy can't have a feeling anyway.
- [180:37]
C
Yeah, what an inefficient form of communication.
- [180:39]
A
A lot of range. Playing drunken horny sailor and wife of guy who has beachfront property and finds messaging bottles.
- [180:47]
C
Great job.
- [180:48]
A
Acorns really fucking bringing it home. Yeah.
- [180:50]
C
The acorn, Hulk Hogan is suing Bubba the love sponge, husband of the woman that he is seen having sex with in the sex tape. That is the most embarrassing thing in his entire life, according to his interview on Piers Morgan.
- [181:04]
A
Except for if he ever finds it, mirror.
- [181:06]
C
So he'll be suing Bubba and Heather, the. The wife, Mrs. Love Sponge is claimed in the suit as well. Andy suing Gawker. So I don't know if you're up on the whole situation with the Hulk Hogan sex tape, but evidently the sex with his really good friend's wife was consensual. Bubba signed off on it, but he didn't realize they were taping him, according to Hulk.
- [181:34]
A
Oh, Bubba signed off on it.
- [181:35]
C
Yeah, Bubba was down with them with his wife having sex with his good friend Hulk Hogan.
- [181:40]
B
Have you guys seen the tape?
- [181:41]
C
No.
- [181:42]
B
There's someone at the beginning, a man in the room saying, all right, you guys do what you gotta do. I'll be right back. I'll be outside. It might be. I don't know who it is. There's a guy saying, actually, I don't
- [181:49]
C
know, be outside of Nemi.
- [181:51]
A
Wow. You wanna talk about fan? Cause he used to have him on his radio show all the time. And he'd. He'd be on his show all time. It'd be like, hey, we got. And I'd go like, let me guess, Hulk Hogan's. Coming up in the next hour. And I think it's one of these things and. But you guys can tell me what you think. These relationships that we all have that got formed when we were young, they're quasi homoerotic sometimes, although there's no actual trading of spit. But they're people you've looked up to. You like Huey Lewis on the news? Yes. Like Jimmy has with Huey Lewis, where you look up to people at a young age. Age. You've decided that these people are, you know, and then it's like, seriously, like, if you talk to Jimmy about Steve Garvey, he'd go, oh, he's an A list celebrity. I mean, he's a huge star. He'd be the first guest if he's going on the Tonight Show. And it's like, nah, nobody. Oh, no, everyone knows the name of Steve Garvey. And it's that kind of thing. I have it with Graham Parker. No one cares about Graham Parker. No one likes Graham Parker. No one gives a shit about Graham Parker. I do.
- [182:56]
C
But we're gonna welcome him on the show.
- [182:58]
A
That's right. I give a shit about it. And we all have. Yeah, we all have that thing. We have that person and that thing. I think Bubba the love sponge had that with Hulk Hogan.
- [183:12]
C
But does it extend into wanting this person that you look up to to fuck your wife?
- [183:16]
A
Well, it depends.
- [183:17]
C
The language is so salty.
- [183:19]
A
I know. It depends where that. How you mature, you know what I mean? As an adult. Because at some point you sort of put these things aside and you get on with your own life or not. And then I always could remember if I ever heard Bubba on the radio, he was always bringing Hulk on like you'd be bringing Ben Affleck on, you know, But I mean. But it was just Hulk Hogan after he retired. It wasn't that. I mean, you know, he's a name that people recognize, but it's no big deal. Especially since he was on your show last week three times. It was a big, big surprise. But I could tell, I could hear that he was excited, you know, and he would tell the stories, you know, oh, me and Hulk were hanging out this weekend. You know, we did this or that this weekend. Me and the Hulk. Me and Terry were hanging out this weekend. So at a certain point, I think it is the ultimate tip of the cap to let your hero have sex with your old lady. You know what I'm saying?
- [184:19]
C
Is there anyone that you guys would do this for?
- [184:21]
A
I already told you. There's Mike Weaver There's Aaron Pryor, there's Panama Lewis, and there's Graham Parker. And that's the same night.
- [184:33]
E
Wow.
- [184:34]
C
Poor wife out of him.
- [184:35]
B
Hemming the water that I mixed.
- [184:37]
A
Yeah. Mm. So the video was taken by. By whom then, do we think?
- [184:47]
C
Well, we don't know.
- [184:48]
B
It was a fixed camera up at the corner. It was like a surveillance camera.
- [184:51]
C
And then I think the idea is that.
- [184:54]
A
But everyone got divorced, Right? Which I heard. And then I'm confused because I have a moral compass, and now I'm confused by people's behavior. You know what I mean? Like I said, people go, oh, believe you me, Kim Kardashian knew what she was doing with that bootleg sex tape. Believe you me. And I go, what? Why now? But now I'm starting to become so jaded that I'm realizing, oh, maybe you know, your first impulses. Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing. Nobody would ever let. And then you go, $200 million later, maybe not so embarrassing. And I'm starting to turn the corner and wondering how much of this stuff is set up, the collusion, whatever. But he.
- [185:40]
C
Yeah, I mean, the lawsuits make me think that that's not the case since he's suing for invasion of privacy. Then again, normally I don't think about Hulk Hogan or Bubba the Love Sponge or sex.
- [185:52]
A
And now I'm thinking about all three together. All right, well, either way, we wish him well.
- [185:59]
C
Would you call him Terry or Hulk if you were his friend?
- [186:02]
A
I think you gotta ask all these guys what they want to be called, and it's always weird that they want be called their. I don't know. Like, I think when we hung out with Eminem, it was M or something. Like, they still get called by their name, but they get called a shorter version of their name.
- [186:20]
B
You're right, Ace.
- [186:21]
A
That's right. Ache. Yeah. Poor terrible Terry Norris just called terrible by his friends.
- [186:31]
C
Speaking of people that Jimmy Kimmel looks up to, he's going to be having David Letterman on his show. Show. When they go to Brooklyn to film.
- [186:38]
A
Oh. I was trying to figure out what the catch was, and I realized he's going there. That's right.
- [186:42]
D
Yeah.
- [186:42]
C
Letterman will join Chris Rock, John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Tracy Morgan as guests on GTA Live.
- [186:48]
A
Loaded for bear, man. Look out. I'm going to be doing a lot more interviews on him coming up.
- [186:54]
C
Yeah, you are. So have you heard him talk about Letterman? Because his lifelong idol.
- [187:01]
A
Listen, I've seen pictures of him wearing his letter Letterman jacket in, like. I don't know the 10th grade. I've seen pictures of him with his birthday cake done up like Letterman. One of the. He has Letterman's letter of semi rejection framed and up on his wall when he asked him to do his first show. I mean not, not another show, the same show, but the first year he did it where Letterman said he was on vacation or he couldn't get out or whatever that, that way. And I remember. But I'm going to have to check my facts on this one. I did Letterman maybe a year or two before Jimmy did. We're going to have to now look this one up. And I remember to me it wasn't that big a deal, but to Jimmy it was like, shit, you're doing Letterman. And then I think Jimmy got bumped the first time or two he did Letterman or at least the first time. As all things we have to try to control. I remember he got bumped once. I remember once he had a big Letterman face tattooed on his back or his belly or something. And I think he got bumped. By the way. Here's how, you know, here's how horrible my attitude is. I did realize Jimmy got bumped from Letterman and I do. And I was like, how does this bumping thing work? And I was like, they fly out first class. You go down there and everything. And then at a certain point it turns out George Clooney's doing the show and you're not. And it's like they'll just bump you and they'll go, sorry and you're first in line and we'll get you back in here and here's another first class ticket and you can go back to la. And I was just sitting in a little tiny little dressing room the second time I did Letterman. And the segment producer came in and said, oh, I'm sorry, but we have a little issue. And I remember thinking, I got bumped. Oh good. And I remember thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me? Happy to be bumped. Flew out to New York for that event and remember thinking to myself, this is great. I got bummed and there was no reason. I had everything planned out, it was going to be fine. And it was something completely different. And I remember being disappointed.
- [189:05]
C
You had to be on Letterman.
- [189:06]
A
If I had a pencil, I would have snapped it. I thought for a second there was an opportunity for me not to do something and I leapt at it. That's how I'm wired. If there's a way, you know, the worst job in the world, Carol. The fill in fighters. Could you imagine being a fill in fighting Fighter, meaning, look, we're going to have, you know, four undercard fights in one main event, but we need you in case the first three are quick knockouts and we need you to fight, but you don't know if you're fighting. You're just going to show up at the arena, stay loose.
- [189:36]
C
Like an understudy.
- [189:37]
A
Yeah. Except for an understudy where if it's time to go, you're going to get your face bashed in. But then do you sit back there hoping to get a chance or do you kind of sit back there going, you know what I mean? Like what where you at mentally? See, I'm back there going, let everyone go the full eight rounds or whatever it is, and I don't feel like getting out there. That's me.
- [190:01]
C
This is gonna be a dumb question. Here goes. Does pain just not really affect boxers?
- [190:06]
F
Do they.
- [190:06]
C
Do they become sort of immune to it or is it just they love
- [190:10]
A
it so much it doesn't hurt when it's happening so much?
- [190:13]
D
No. And they say when they're knocked out. I asked one one time, most of them, they will always say they've never been knocked out, but the ones that do admit it say it's like seeing black lights.
- [190:24]
A
You also will feel weird things. Like you'll get hit hard in the head and you'll feel a little, a little jolt of electricity in your foot. Like, like, like, like putting, like putting your tongue on a 9 volt battery, but on, on your big toe, if you're right, foot, like you get whacked in the head hard. I felt like weird little bits of electricity in my foot. Little, little. Well, your brain is this sort of circuit board. Yeah, circuit board. It gets dumped. Someone dumps a beer on it when it gets hit and it's just like a little weird little, little pressure points go off. We did an IMDb and we found out that I did it in 2005 and that Jimmy did it in 2008, which can't be right. So we'll have to figure it out again. But we'll figure out. And I got to figure out if Jimmy got bumped this first time too. But anyway, yes, massive, massive Letterman fan. I mean, as most, most comedians are.
- [191:27]
C
I think Pizza Hut had this PR stunt they were gonna pull where they wanted someone to show up at the presidential debate on Tuesday, the town hall style one, and, and ask the candidates a question that I think all Americans wonder which is, do you prefer sausage or pepperoni on your pizza? And if someone did this, they were gonna offer Them a pizza a week for life.
- [191:52]
A
Whoever said sausage would get my vote. Yeah, My first was in January of 99 with James Brown. That's right. That sounds about right. 99, yeah. January, early 90. Yeah, that feels about right. Sorry, go ahead.
- [192:09]
C
Lifetime supply of weekly pizza, which evidently means just 30 years or 30 whole years.
- [192:16]
A
I would say I'd do a trick, one I'd do just so we know who not to vote for. I'd go sausage, onion, pepperoni or goat cheese. Then we could all do it accordingly.
- [192:32]
C
But then there was such negative press about this stunt. Like Gawker wrote, want free Pizza Hut pizza for life. Just make a mockery of the American democratic system on live tv.
- [192:42]
A
What's boxers or briefs? Honestly, I mean, Hanes didn't put him up to it, but I mean, come on.
- [192:49]
C
Yeah, it's true. If this whole thing wasn't put out there by Pizza Hut, I think people would have less of a problem with it.
- [192:56]
A
Well, if it was spontaneously and no, they would be the next boxer or brief person. But now it seems like a cheap ploy and it is. And look, it's perfect for Pizza Hut because Pizza Hut is either going to have this happen and get a ton of press or not have it happen and have us talk about it anyway.
- [193:19]
C
Right into their hot box.
- [193:21]
A
That's right.
- [193:21]
C
Of pizza. So, yeah, now they're saying, let's not do this. It was a bad idea. We're just to going, going to select someone online
- [193:31]
A
now. Did we find out Jimmy's first appearance and did we find out if he got bumped or not? I think it's weird how much stuff is easy to find on the Internet and how much stuff's a pain in the ass to find on the Internet. Maybe it's because there's a bunch of misinformation.
- [193:47]
E
I think that.
- [193:48]
B
And they did like 300 shows a year and their Internet wasn't like a big thing. It was, but I mean, it wasn't quite the vault that it is today. Repository of information.
- [193:59]
A
Yeah, I could remember.
- [193:59]
B
We're documenting everything.
- [194:01]
A
I could remember. I remember being in front of James Brown and wondering what I was doing in front of James Brown. Number one. I remember calling Kevin and Bean out here on KROC on the flight home on the phone that was like in the back of the plane, back when they would just have a phone back there, the air phone that you could use. And I had these stewardess like telling me, we're experiencing some turbulence. I'm gonna need you to take your seat, sir. And I was like, on the air with these guys, and I was like, yeah, I'm okay. Sir, I need you to take your seat. And I was like, I'm just. I'm talking to a radio station. And it wasn't that much, just like a little bump. I need to take your seat, sir. And at a certain point I said, you're standing here. Isn't this dangerous for you? And then it was pepper spray and headlock at that point.
- [194:48]
C
So this was after 9 11?
- [194:50]
A
No, thankfully, it was 99. January 26th, to be exact.
- [194:55]
B
You learned your lesson.
- [194:56]
C
I'll never forget where I was.
- [194:57]
B
That was the last time you ever talked back to a flight attendant.
- [195:02]
A
All right, my new thing is to make friends with them now. That's my new thing, New strategy, little compliment. Yeah. You know why all the. All the chicks, all the chicks that you get up there are women that are just a little past their date, you know what I mean? Like, their little expiration date kind of gave out.
- [195:21]
C
They're. Bye. Bye.
- [195:22]
B
If they were milk, you'd smell them.
- [195:24]
A
Yeah, it's like, it's kind of before you poured them over your cereal, give it a sniff. Before you dumped it on your checks,
- [195:31]
B
you hand them to your roommate and say, taste this.
- [195:32]
A
Yeah, taste this, buddy. Yeah, it's like if it was cottage cheese, you'd eat around that one part that looked a little. Looked a little rough.
- [195:39]
C
And then you'd wonder, is it bad for me? Yeah, I just ate around the mold.
- [195:43]
A
When you got a woman that's just hitting her expiration date, all you gotta do is toss a little compliment her way. And with women, all you gotta do is say something nice about their hair. You just go, fuckin hair. Like your hair. That's it. Shoes and hair. Compliment the shoes, then go right to the hair.
- [196:04]
B
Hey, good looking, what you got cooking? No, seriously, what are you cooking up?
- [196:07]
A
They're all just fucking putty. That. Mm. Go to my PC. By the way, there's. There's something. Now that's a compliment. A man, you tell him to get. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can connect to your laptop, your iPad, or your iPhone right to your office, Mac or PC. You can balance your work and professional life. That's what it's all about. You can access and edit and save any program, file or document from wherever you are. Doesn't matter. Try go to my PC. Free. Free 45 days. Free. A free 45 day trial only if you use the promo code. Adam. Visit GoToMyPC.com, comma, click on the Try it free button. And remember, use that promo code, Adam. All right. We can't find Jimmy now. We can't even figure out whether he got bumped. I just remember he got bumped. That's all I remember. And I don't know how I. I would have come up with that one.
- [197:04]
B
Jimmy's so quick on the email, I'm surprised. Email him. He'd email right back.
- [197:09]
A
It's a good point. I had no idea what month I did Letterman in. I just remember he had a nice, cold studio, and that's the way I liked it. My whole bit, Carol, was to go on Letterman and tell everyone I knew to kiss my ass. That was my big thing, because for me, it was a big deal. Here I am told every teacher, every boss, every manager at every McDonald's, kiss my hairy ass. Look at me. I'm on David Letterman. And I remember he got a kick out of that. And it's one of those things where somebody. Everyone went, oh, that's a great idea. Hasn't anyone done that? And I was like, they should have. Like, that should be everyone's first appearance on Letterman. Hey, I got a long list of people. I was literally just going, like, Mr. Gregory, my driving school teacher. He was my driver's ed teacher at North Highland High. He failed me. I was like, have fun in your crappy little apartment driving your Pinto around, by the way. I took a town car here. I took a town car. I don't even drive. You're right, Mr. Graham. I don't drive. I go in limousines now, baby. And I just went after everybody. And for some reason, the audience. The audience dug it, because it's that thing of, like. Yeah, that's what I would do if I got to do that show. But Kimmel's first appearance was in June of 2002. Yeah. So that was a long time of me doing Letterman and him not doing Letterman, where there was a little tension
- [198:40]
B
there after the roast. I'm surprised he was at roast status but had never done Letterman.
- [198:46]
A
The shows are weird. It's weird how those shows work. But then once he did it, he did it a million times after that. And again, the bumped part that. Well, that's probably gonna be tougher to find now. We'll get back to you on that one. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.
- [199:01]
C
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, mateys.
- [199:05]
A
That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, he was bumped in June of 99. Wow.
- [199:13]
C
And now I'LL sleep tonight.
- [199:15]
A
And it took him three years. Thank you. Now I can sleep tonight. Since we. All right, anyway. Carol Polis in studio. The lady is a champ. Oh, there's a picture of Jimmy not looking like Jimmy, but from literally when he was 15 with his late night cake. Late night cake? Oh, it says late night.
- [199:40]
B
It's a license plate cake. There's Nevada up at the top.
- [199:43]
A
Oh, I wonder if even I know he had the jacket. I wonder if he had the license plate plate. Jesus Christ. I remember my mom spending all those hours making me that Merv Griffin cake so many years ago. Two fake wooden stools up there.
- [199:57]
B
Is that Cleto in the background?
- [199:58]
A
All right, wait a minute. First appearance. 9-1-99. Which is later than June. All right, so it wasn't O2. Yeah, that seemed like a long time. But then did he get. When did he get bumped? I have to figure that out. All right, so we'll. We'll figure out. So I did it in January of 99, and then he did it in November of 99. Oh, oh, the 5, the 6. 15. 99 is when he got bumped. All right, now we got it. All right, makes sense. So that was 87. Go to AdamCroll.com if you want to see his picture. That was 87. And Jimmy was probably born in 68. 67. 68. So what? He wasn't 19. There was. Maybe he was.
- [200:40]
F
Maybe.
- [200:40]
A
All right, anyway, the lady is a champ. Amazon, baby. Amazon. Amazon is where you get it. And you click through AdamCarl.com and hit the Amazon banner. And pal Carol, thanks so much for coming in.
- [200:51]
D
Thank you.
- [200:52]
A
And I feel sorry about Roberto Duran.
- [200:56]
D
Lucky punch.
- [200:57]
A
Oh, boy, that was a work hard. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Carol Paulus and Allison Rosen and oh, I should say, by the way, bald Bryan, the lady LA brain tumor walk. Brian is the honorary chairman and is coming up October 28th at the LA Coliseum. Go to BrianBishop.com to donate and register for the team. Bald Brian, let's support our man. So until next time now, Adam, Carolla, Carol and Allison and ball Brian the Acorn saying mahalo. I'm a of puss. I'm a major league puss. All right, this is Adam cooler show 934. That does it for Ace Cool Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset. Free this is the mantra free. This is the mindset. Mindset. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free.
- [202:41]
D
Pluto TV stream now pay never.
- [202:45]
A
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- [203:11]
D
Pluto TV stream now pay Never.
- [203:15]
A
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C
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A
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C
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