Larry Miller + Chris Kattan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Episode Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – "Larry Miller + Chris Kattan (Carolla Classics)"

Release Date: June 13, 2025

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Introduction to "Cruella Classics" Segment [01:04 – 02:11]

The episode kicks off with Brian Bishop welcoming listeners to "Cruella Classics," a companion podcast that showcases the best moments and fan-selected clips from all 16 years of The Adam Carolla Show. Brian highlights the benefits of Podcast One Premium, which offers ad-free archives and exclusive content.

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Rotten Tomatoes Game: Movie Reviews and Banter [02:11 – 18:13]

In this segment, Adam Carolla and his co-hosts—Brian Bishop, Teresa Strasser, Larry Miller, and Gina Grad—engage in the "Rotten Tomatoes Game." The participants name a movie and individually assign a "Rotten" or "Fresh" score along with a percentage, simulating the Rotten Tomatoes rating system. Here's a breakdown of their discussions:

1. The Blues Brothers (1980) [04:10 – 07:32]

   • Adam Carolla: "I think this movie is genius level work because I think the songs are really good in it, as well as the jokes..."
   • The group debates the film's reception, with opinions ranging from viewing it as superior to classics like "Caddyshack" to discussing memorable scenes and characters.

2. Stuck on You (2003) [07:43 – 09:23]

   • Teresa Strasser: "It's not good, but it's not bad."
   • Adam Carolla: Assigns a "Rotten" score, reflecting mixed feelings about the film's execution and humor.

3. Step Brothers (2008) [09:33 – 11:07]

   • Larry Miller: "You know, I just saw this for the first time recently and I laughed my ass off."
   • The movie receives varied scores, showcasing its polarizing nature among the hosts.

4. Twins (1988) [11:07 – 13:32]

   • Teresa Strasser: "It's a great premise for a movie, but it is pretty sloppy."
   • The consensus leans towards a "Rotten" rating, critiquing the film's execution despite its intriguing concept.

5. Super Mario Bros. (1990) [13:48 – 15:03]

   • Adam Carolla: "We have an on the nose. Guess one."
   • The hosts unanimously rate it as one of the worst, citing its deviation from the beloved video game source material.

6. Four Brothers (2005) [15:22 – 17:56]

   • Teresa Strasser: "I have seen this movie, but as you posited before, could be a hindrance."
   • Received a "Rotten" score, with discussions focusing on its lackluster plot and performances.

Throughout the game, the hosts share humorous anecdotes, personal opinions, and engage in playful disagreements, exemplifying their dynamic chemistry.

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Guest Interaction: Chris Kattan Joins the Conversation [22:52 – 33:36]

Chris Kattan makes a guest appearance, bringing a lively energy to the show. The conversation touches on various topics:

• Authenticity of Celebrities: Adam shares a story about meeting Will Ferrell, emphasizing the unchanged personalities behind the fame.

• Audiobook Experiences: Both Adam and Chris discuss the challenges of recording audiobooks, highlighting the personal and revealing nature of the process.

• Saturday Night Live Reflections: The hosts reminisce about their time on SNL, discussing friendships, favorite guest hosts like Kevin Hart, and memorable sketches.

• Comedy Bits with DJ Khaled: A recurring comedic sketch features a fictional DJ Khaled character interacting with the hosts in various humorous scenarios, parodying his catchphrase "Another one."

Throughout Chris Kattan's segment, the hosts delve into behind-the-scenes insights, humorously critiquing and celebrating their shared history in comedy and entertainment.

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Comedic Anecdotes and Stories [33:36 – 101:00]

The episode transitions into a series of comedic stories and hypothetical scenarios:

• Worst Jobs Confessions: Guests like Mike August and Teresa Strasser share harrowing tales of the most unpleasant jobs they've held, from extreme construction work to stressful hospitality roles. For instance, Adam recounts digging caisson holes by hand in oppressive heat, highlighting the physical and mental toll.

• Hypothetical Road Trip Games: The hosts engage in humorous hypothetical questions about road trips, complete with exaggerated character descriptions and comedic "what-if" scenarios. Notable mentions include absurd characters like "recumbent bike guy" and "wannabe professional wrestler," each accompanied by witty banter and playful jabs.

• Garage Sale Observations: Larry Miller and others discuss the intricacies of garage sales, parodying the haggling process and the intimate nature of selling personal items, infused with their signature wit.

• Pop Culture Satire: The hosts critique and satirize various aspects of pop culture, from outdated media practices like renting records from libraries to mocking celebrity culture and the commercialization of humor.

Throughout these segments, the conversation is peppered with quick-fire jokes, relatable humor, and the hosts' trademark irreverence, making for an engaging and entertaining listening experience.

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Closing Remarks and Teasers for Upcoming Content [101:00 – 202:58]

As the episode nears its end, Adam Carolla teases future segments and introduces clips from older episodes, maintaining the show's signature blend of nostalgia and current commentary. The hosts continue to riff on various topics, including:

• Celebrity News and Legal Battles: Discussions about high-profile cases, like Michael Douglas's divorce settlement regarding "Wall Street" spin-offs, infused with humorous critiques and hypothetical legal advice.

• Product Promotions and Parodies: The hosts parody product pitches, blending genuine promotions with comedic twists, such as mock endorsements for LifeLock and humorous takes on everyday items.

• Improvisational Comedy: Interactive segments where the hosts improvise dialogues, transforming mundane scenarios into hilariously exaggerated interactions, often involving fictional characters like "DJ Khaled."

The episode concludes with playful banter, humorous sign-offs, and teasers for upcoming episodes, ensuring listeners are left eagerly anticipating the next installment.

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Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla [04:26]: "This movie's genius level work because I think the songs are really good in it, as well as the jokes..."

• Larry Miller [03:53]: "Sure, Dictator's pretty fucking funny."

• Teresa Strasser [05:13]: "It's falling to earth for thousands of feet. Great visual gag."

• Chris Kattan [23:40]: "Good to see you, man. Very nice to see you."

• Adam Carolla [27:54]: "If you want to torture Adam Carolla or you want to scare Adam Carolla, you go, here's a book. It's 310 pages. Read it into a microphone..."

• Teresa Strasser [117:52]: "Grandpa said try anything once."

• Adam Carolla [150:24]: "He's a guy who would need binoculars to see low rent."

These quotes exemplify the show's blend of sharp humor, candid opinions, and dynamic interactions among the hosts and guests.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show, featuring Larry Miller and Chris Kattan, offers a rich tapestry of movie critiques, personal anecdotes, and comedic improvisations. Through engaging games like the "Rotten Tomatoes Game" and spirited guest interactions, the show delivers both insightful discussions and laughter, staying true to its reputation as a top-downloaded podcast beloved by millions worldwide.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Gina Grad]

You from the first minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us that's audible.com wondery us.

[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Cruella Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selecting clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast One Premium. With Podcast one Premium, you get exclusive access to the entire premium network, commercial free listening, full library archives, exclusive bonus content and 3 months free with an annual membership. You can also find ad free archives for The Adam and Dr. Drew show, the Adam Carolla show as well as exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out with Adam Carolla via Adam Carolla's [e-mail] Make sure to check out and subscribe and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcorla.com now on to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla Show 1775. Now this episode's featuring Brian Redman. He's not in this clip, it's just Matt achity doing the 72nd installment of Rotten Tomatoes Game along with Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. Some classic ACS feels. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Dawson]

Here's the guy with the Fresh and Rotten movie game.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's time.

[Dawson]

I really hope it isn't lame.

[Adam Carolla]

Please let's go. I totally can't hit this note. I can't force it all anymore, anymore. It hurts my balls. Hurts my balls. Actually he names the flicks and the gang makes flicks mad at Rotten or fresh. Actually.

[Teresa Strasser]

He'S a slightly less lobby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

Rhyme doesn't work quite as well. All right, so there's a new movie in theaters this weekend called the Brothers Grimsby with Sacha Baron Cohen. So we're taking that theme as the theme for this week's movie or this week's Game Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this new movie going to be good? I said like little bits and pieces of it. I love Sacha Baron Cohen, but I can't figure out whether this is good or not. Have you seen it?

[Brian Bishop]

I haven't seen. I'm going to see it at about 4 o' clock today, so I'll let you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I think it's gonna be good. I've liked his last couple of movies.

[Teresa Strasser]

So commercials look rough, but that Sasha.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't. Sasha's movies or just.

[Brian Bishop]

No, we're doing Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know, but he's like his couple of last movies.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I saw that. I liked the Dictator. I thought the Dictator wasn't, you know. I think Borat's his best work.

[Larry Miller]

Sure, Dictator's pretty fucking funny.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought Dictator was really okay. So this will be like that where it's more scripted. It's not him just horsing around.

[Adam Carolla]

Any Rotten Tomato scores coming in yet?

[Brian Bishop]

It' about 50% right now, but it's just early reviews so far, so I think it'll.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's gone up a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is Brothers movies.

[Brian Bishop]

Movies about brothers, yeah. All right, first up, 1980 film based off of a couple of Saturday Night Live characters. John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd star as Jake and Elwood Blues, two white boys with black soul. The movie is the Blues Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna speak openly. I think we talked about this movie once or twice and I think we. Now the good news is I don't have any advantage because you guys, you guys were in the room. But I feel like. I thought. I think this movie is genius level work because I think the songs are really good in it, as well as the jokes as well as all the bits.

[Teresa Strasser]

Some great absurd comedy, some sort of fantastical stuff.

[Larry Miller]

I'm actually surprised. I didn't know if this would be one of those movies like Caddyshack or something you think's overrated.

[Adam Carolla]

This movie's out the best vacation. Caddyshack or junk compared to this.

[Larry Miller]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a much more substantial movie with much more going on and much more layered and blah, blah, blah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Remember the part of the end where the car, the red car, drives off the bridge and they pull back to reveal it's been like dropped out of a. Out of a helicopter.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's falling to earth for thousands of feet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Great visual gag.

[Adam Carolla]

Many things I liked about this movie, but Ray Charles, like getting behind the keyboards and saying there's some life left in these things.

[Brian Bishop]

Shooting at that kid.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole. And there's this great moment. I love a great. And I just love great quiet moments. There's that Aretha Franklin moment where she's in the diner and they're trying to recruit her man to come out on the road and she wants no part of it. She does. You better think. And Jake and Elwood are both just sitting at the counter trying to sort of be invisible and a little upset over the message that she's sending. But at a certain point, they stand up and join in with the background chicks. They do half a spin and a weird sort of Gladys Knight and the Pips move. And then they slide right back onto their stool and right back into the same position, which is sort of esoteric and weird. Like they weren't making a joke. They weren't doing. I mean, they made a joke, but I mean, it wasn't a, hey, look at me joke. It was just a sort of slightly off center sense of humor kind of move. And the movie was littered with those kinds of weird little moments.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's like they'll break the fourth wall. They, like, creep through the fourth wall. It's a song and dance. It's a musical routine. And all of a sudden they're. And they're in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I sort of recall that the critics did not share my love of this movie. The genius that I thought of this movie. I think it's one of those movies that I just. I love the soundtrack, I love the music. It's a little long, it's a little slow by today's standards, but lots of good stuff going on. And there's lots of moments where it's like, you got rid of the Bluesmobile. Yeah, the Bluesmobile. You traded the blues. Yeah. For a microphone. Okay. Weird stuff like that. Or just parts where, like, the missile would hit the guy's apartment. They'd be covered with bricks, and then they'd just get up, dust themselves off and walk away. When they're driving through the mall and he's like, the 79s. Hey, guys, this mall's got everything.

[Teresa Strasser]

A lot of space.

[Adam Carolla]

They go by the Oldsmobile dealership and he goes, hey, the 79s are in early this year, but they're sliding sideways a lot of that. All right, I'm gonna say. Because I somehow remember the critics not loving it. Like, I loved it. I'm going to go 62%.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm an idiot. I'm of two minds. I think Adam might be right. I also think this is such a work of genius. They have to be on board. I split the difference like a moron. It's at 80.

[Larry Miller]

Well, that's very interesting because I think as old as this movie is, people start romancing romanticizing it over time. I think it was higher. I'm going 86.

[Brian Bishop]

The Blues Brothers is certified fresh at 85%.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Wow. Did I screw myself with my own confusion there? All right, good. At least all is right in the world. I can't now think of the movie that I was thinking of that I just love that has got like 50% and we have the same era. Yeah, we all loved it too.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was it Spinal Tap?

[Dawson]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

Spinal Tap.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it was of that ilk. Like it was this kind of movie that people just didn't get at the time. But anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, all right, next up, 2003 film that stars Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear as two small town legend who excel at sports. Proud owners of a fast food restaurant. O and they happen to be conjoined twins. Movie is stuck on you never saw it?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I just see little eight minutes at a time on cable and it just never got.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's not good, but it's not bad.

[Larry Miller]

And such a random pairing Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear.

[Adam Carolla]

It also could be one of my came up with the title before the movie candidates.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you say Farrelly Brothers?

[Brian Bishop]

Farrelly Brothers. Directors of something about mar.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the Fairley brothers. I just don't remember taking to this one. I'm going to say rotten at 42%. Fuck.

[Teresa Strasser]

I may have gone way too high, but I remember this not being that bad. 68.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Larry Miller]

When you said Fairleigh Brothers, this actually made my score go a little higher.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm saying 46 stuck on you is fresh at 61%.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not remembered well, but not. Not a bad movie.

[Larry Miller]

Well, the audience didn't like it.

[Adam Carolla]

35 from the audience, but I just never heard anything good about it or bad, actually. All right, this is going to be a rough one. I'm going to start digging here.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, next up, 2008 film that teams up or re teams. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as two pampered best friends whose single parents fall in love and decide to marry. Written and directed by Academy Award winning filmmaker Adam McKay. The movie is Stepbrothers.

[Larry Miller]

You know, I just saw this for the first time recently and I laughed my ass off.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a very funny movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You seen this, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've seen vignettes from it. I just realized this is. I feel like the strength of the two actors here, making it funny.

[Teresa Strasser]

Parts of the movie. And they are the funniest parts.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I didn't take it as like, hey, this is a great script. It's like there's a bunch of pieces in here that are funny. Vignettes that are funny, but I can't figure out. I don't feel like the critics loved it. What year?

[Teresa Strasser]

2008.

[Brian Bishop]

2008.

[Larry Miller]

Was it Mary Steenbergeon?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And what's his fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

What's his fuck? The bald guy with the glasses. Richard James.

[Larry Miller]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going to say, ooh.

[Brian Bishop]

This is after the Ricky Bobby movie.

[Adam Carolla]

After Talladega Nights, which I think I enjoyed quite a bit more. But a lot of that could have been Sacha Baron Cohen, because he was. I'm from Formula E.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's the best part.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going to say I got to make up some points here. They didn't like it rotten at 59.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, no. I'm playing it safe and saying 78.

[Larry Miller]

I went with 70.

[Brian Bishop]

Stepbrothers is rotten at 55%.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn.

[Teresa Strasser]

What'd you say?

[Adam Carolla]

59. So I could have picked up a couple there.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, next up, 1988 film featuring a tall and muscular and a.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, sometimes it hurts to see the film because you liked it.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, exactly.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really? Step Brothers, 55%. That seems surprising to me, but you're.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, it suffers from.

[Adam Carolla]

It hurts you because you like it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, because I saw it. Yeah, it was funny.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, 1988 film featuring a tall and muscular yet mild mannered Arnold Schwarzenegger who turns out to be the long lost twin brother to a corpulent loose cannon played by Danny DeVito. The movie is twins.

[Larry Miller]

Now, this will be impossible for me to figure out because I loved this movie when I was a kid, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So this is one of those sweet spot movies that you saw at 11 or whatever it was and you laughed your ass off and you now mistake it for a funny movie. But I don't want to be a snob because I've never seen it. I've just sort of watched. I got the praise. I saw little bits and pieces of it and I was just sort of like, there's more. I'll watch Woody Allen a second or third or fifth time.

[Teresa Strasser]

You probably made a right choice, but.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the. I know it was super popular and I know everyone references it, but I don't know if it was any really any good.

[Larry Miller]

And John Travolta's wife in this.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if it would hold up very well today. It could have been kindergarten, college.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, Kelly Preston's in this. It's directed by Ivan Reitman.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course, I was. Ryman's got a lot of range in the good and bad department too. Lots. I'm gonna say. Jesus. Critics. No, the critics didn't like it. I say rotten, and I now proclaim, you must yell fresh or rotten before you yell your score. Even though we could do that. Damn. No, I say fresh. 62%.

[Teresa Strasser]

I said fresh. 62%.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right there.

[Larry Miller]

I have. I have no way to judge this because I loved it, but I'm assuming I was probably wrong. In a child, I say 50%.

[Brian Bishop]

Twins is rotten at 34%.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn. That was my. My spot. My first impulse was I was gonna say rotten.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is a great premise. A great premise for a movie, but it is pretty sloppy.

[Larry Miller]

Watch it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the people have it at 38.

[Brian Bishop]

So, you know, it's a great premise for a sketch. Right. Like Schwarzenegger for four minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Four minutes, right. All right, well, now I have no idea. Gina picked up a bunch of points there. Brian and I pushed. Brian's still got a lead on me. I can't even figure out where Gene is. So here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, next up. This is a 1990 film starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, two plumbers who end up in another world.

[Teresa Strasser]

I forgot about that.

[Brian Bishop]

The movie is Super Mario Bros. Wow.

[Larry Miller]

I just learned something.

[Mike August]

I forgot to make Super Mario.

[Adam Carolla]

All I remember is when this movie came out, I went, didn't people stop playing this video game 8 years ago?

[Teresa Strasser]

This was way after the fact that it was popular.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, how long was this thing passed around or sitting on a shelf or punched up? Like, what year?

[Teresa Strasser]

94. 95.

[Brian Bishop]

This is 1990.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck.

[Larry Miller]

Does that say Dennis Hopper?

[Brian Bishop]

That is correct.

[Larry Miller]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Dennis Hopper.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this one is for all the Marvel. And because it's from who's King Koopa? The Marbles. I am going with four rotten.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, wow. I said rotten as well. But I was more ambitious. I said 15.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I gotta try to make up 11 points.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I change it just to see. But I also said 4.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta yell out rot.

[Larry Miller]

Rotten.

[Adam Carolla]

4.

[Brian Bishop]

We have an on the nose. Guess one.

[Teresa Strasser]

One on the nose.

[Brian Bishop]

Guess one. Super Mario Brothers is rotten at 15%.

[Adam Carolla]

We also have a tie. How's that? What?

[Teresa Strasser]

For second?

[Adam Carolla]

That's first Losers. I've learned from guys With T shirts who drive really crappy cars. Aceman, take a seat. Yeah. All right.

[Larry Miller]

What's the number?

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man was at 85. Gina and Brian, 58. Wow. Well, there was one in there, Brian, where we were 20 off the pace, and Gina was right there. Brian had 23, followed by 28.

[Larry Miller]

Last one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Do I have a tiebreaker?

[Gina Grad]

Let's do this.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, so we'll go with the first one on the list, Gary. All right, tiebreaker. Film 2005. Film that stars Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson, Andre Benjamin, and Garrett Hedlund as four orphans raised, adopted, and raised as brothers. And then they go after the man that killed their mom. A remake of the Sons of Katie Elder. The movie is four brothers.

[Larry Miller]

Was this a joke or what? I've never. I don't even remember this sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

It's what year? I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

This was 2003. Directed by John Singleton.

[Teresa Strasser]

Action.

[Brian Bishop]

Sort of familiar action thriller with Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, I have seen this movie, but as you posited before, could be a hindrance.

[Larry Miller]

Great tagline. They came home to bury mom and her killer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I like that.

[Larry Miller]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I saw this movie in the theaters.

[Larry Miller]

That's amazing.

[Teresa Strasser]

I can't say what I thought of it.

[Larry Miller]

Did you think it was a comedy?

[Adam Carolla]

And as I said on Crank Anchors, where I got the person to agree with me but always made me laugh. No son should have to BURY his mother. McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlur. Your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's. No, Sonic. And the person on the line was like, God, you're right. You're so right. You're so right.

[Teresa Strasser]

You said it with the right amount of gravitas.

[Adam Carolla]

He finally said, no, child, you have to bury a parent or something like that. But they're like, yes, you're right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I said, based on my memories of this movie, which are very slim, other than it being terrible. I said 25, and I think I might be high.

[Larry Miller]

Speaking of high rod and 25, I never heard of this. It looks awful from the poster. But I was a little kinder. I said 28. Rotten.

[Brian Bishop]

Four brothers is rotten at 53%.

[Adam Carolla]

A very hollow victory.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, thanks anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Rotten or fresh? No, actually, I mean, you can imagine.

[Brian Bishop]

Not that bad.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

If the Last. No, it's not if the last movie. It's funny because Brian, although he didn't know it, the very last movie in regulation, you had to get right on and get five points. Yeah. Two tie. Very good. Nice win, Gina. Grab.

[Larry Miller]

Thank you. Thank you. God, that feels good.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this adam Kirlish show. 1775. No red band that clip. Although we will play a red band clip in an upcoming episode. He is an oftentimes unsung and foundational hero of podcasting. It would be nice to give us flowers. Coming up next, we have Adam Colishow, 1346. A classic Richard Marx, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop of 2014. The invention of the beat bracelet. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and then some. Is just super basic. Like if you're gonna show up here and you're eating something and you want to take it home with you and you're gonna put it in the fridge during the podcast, throw your car keys on top of it so you can't leave because you will definitely leave it with a full belly and a full heart after the podcast. All right. I think I came up with a nifty invention. When we were out eating and the guy was explaining to me that they don't have tomatoes. Where do you get the water? Just stand outside and open your mouth. Put your tongue out. Or is that piped in from somewhere? Like how. What are we talking about here?

[Teresa Strasser]

No rain again today.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's it stop? Where's it stop? So we got the. We got a real yummy big beet salad. I mean, there's big chunks of slabs of beet. And you know, I'm going nuts eating these beets. And then I said, although the waiter overheard me, but I said to Taylor, I said, you know, when you order the beet salad or the beet dish, they should give you a little clip on bracelet, like one of those little plastic laminate bracelets that gets you backstage at the car show or whatever it is. Just snap one on your wrist so that when you take a dump that night, you don't have a fucking heart attack. Because what happens is you ate three pounds of beets at two in the afternoon and then go back and have a couple of tall ones. And then that night I'm sitting on the toilet with a little buzz and I go, oh, my God, my innards are coming out of me. But if I had just my little.

[Teresa Strasser]

Beat bracelet, you'd remember, hey, dummy, you had beats.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I don't think I would have to say that much. I think just A bright purple bracelet would be enough to just be a nice little. But. But it probably, you know, could have, like, a big duke and a picture of someone being, like, upset. You know, a figurine and then would put, like, a cross to it or something.

[Teresa Strasser]

So that's better than, hey, dummy, you had beats.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, I'd like to really lay it out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Like in. Like I said, the trunk in the car has that lanyard thing that you yank on the rip cord to pop the trunk, you get trapped in. It doesn't just have a T handle. It doesn't just show a person. It doesn't just show a trunk popped open. It shows the person fleeing. People need to be going to a.

[Teresa Strasser]

Safe House, calling 9 1.

[Adam Carolla]

Emotions are going to be high when you see the bowl full of beets. So I'm just saying the waiter should just, you know, snap that thing on your wrist. He loved it, by the way. The waiter who overheard me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, your idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then we had to really. Then we had to really get into it, like, because he's. You know, he gave me the. You know. Because sometimes when I eat beets and I'm going, now I'm picturing you in your fecal matter. But all right. Yeah, there's. There's. They show the person not only escaping the trunk, but fleeing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Springing from the trunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think there's a point where the guy's fleeing and he gets about halfway into fleeing and then doesn't know what direction to go, not sure what to do, he runs back to the trunk and he flips the T handle over. Like, where. What now? Is there a phone? Is a guy yelling for help? Is there a picture of his mother?

[Teresa Strasser]

Like, he turns it around and think, I'll get back inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. Where does the T handle of life end? Like, where. All right, now he's fleeing, but what if he hits oncoming traffic? Like. Like, isn't this dangerous? Where does he. How's he know he's gonna get dehydrated? How's he know to stop? Just show him fleeing. That's what I'm saying about the bracelets, Brian. It can't just be. I'm on board with this, the Beats thing. It has to be the dookie and the person crying and then the cross and then the thing and, you know, keep spinning it around, the whole narrative. Yeah. And also, it's kind of fun for the rest of the community. Like, I voted. I gave blood. You know, it's been on for, like, a week. I just too lazy, you know. Doesn't come off in the shower. Yeah, it'd be fun. Yeah, be bracelet. All right, let's see. Richard Marks is coming in here in a couple of few.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Curlishow, 1346. Coming up next we have Adam Curlishow, 2579. Chris Kattan, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop. May of 2019.

[Adam Carolla]

Another one foreign's voicemail. Hey, Adam. Tony B, Anaheim. I just want to say my last achievement day will be the day I make it on the Adam Carolla show. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Chris Kattan is in studio this half of this show brought to you by simply safe. Adam.com and lifelock.com for hymns as well and GEICO as well. Good to see you again, Chris.

[Dawson]

Good to see you, man. Very nice to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

So serendipitous that I spent a chunk of time last night talking to Will Ferrell at an after party.

[Dawson]

Oh, wow. How long did you speak with each other?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we may have set a personal indoor record. Not wind aided either. We talked for like half an hour. Just stood there.

[Dawson]

Yeah, he's a. Well, I can't say enough about him. He's a great guy and hasn't really changed that much. I mean his clothes are a lot better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

And he has a number of places to live, but he hasn't changed his. I saw him, I guess about two weeks ago in New York in at 30 Rock and he was filming something there and we. It's just like seeing the same guy. You know, we started in the Groundlings years ago before snl and it's like you're friends, you know, it's just like you and Howard and you know, Jimmy and when you see each other, you know, it's the same energy, the same. You just click in that same place. You know each other from way past.

[Adam Carolla]

I brought up a name that I'll bring up to you and I can't remember. It's just kind of Gandhi. Remember his old roommate was a guy named Jerry Collins.

[Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I knew Jerry Collins. I knew from the Groundlings or from acme.

[Dawson]

Acme. Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

I especially remember him because he had toilet calendars. I've told you guys. Did you ever get one of Jerry Collins toilet calendars?

[Dawson]

I remember he handed those out.

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot why they were laminated. Good. Good start. They were the shape of the cutout toilet seat and they went on the inside. Inside bottom of the lid.

[Dawson]

They were pouring the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd stick them to the inside of the lid and put the lid up, and you'd see Jerry Collins toilet calendars. Every year, he'd hand those things. He didn't have any money.

[Dawson]

He didn't have any money, but he made that.

[Adam Carolla]

And I would go to Jerry's apartment, like, on the west side, and his roommate was Will Ferrell. Like, way, way back.

[Dawson]

Yeah, way back in the day.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a picture of Jerry Collins.

[Dawson]

That's the Jerry Collins toilet calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dawson]

He's got a bong.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and it said this. This might not be your best year.

[Dawson]

Look at that hat, too. It's very Jamiroqui.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. So I would keep those things every year and stick it on my toilet.

[Dawson]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Now your kids with your smartphones, you don't know from toilet counters. Only way we knew what day it was, how long the day was.

[Dawson]

Yeah, like, I gotta go take a dump. Why? I don't know what day it is. I forgot what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

The book is Baby Don't Hurt Stories and Scars From Saturday Night Live. It's available, by the way, now on Amazon, and bookmark us and click through if you like. Also, Chris, you read the Audible book as well, right?

[Dawson]

I do, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How did you find that experience?

[Dawson]

The Audible?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

It was longer than I thought it would be. And there was. I guess it took like maybe five full days, maybe about five hours each day. And I think by the second day, I was realizing that how everything I was saying might matter. Not just the words, but, like, how I was saying it as well, you know? And, you know, also remembering what people told me, like, have a good time. You gotta have fun, you know, and. And, you know, and that is true. And it's really weird to read what you wrote. It's like reading your diary to people. And you're like, I don't know if you should hear this or, you know, even though it is open, you know, the book is a biography. So you're saying things that are more revealing than you might think it is. But saying it out loud is another level. I mean, how about you? Have you experienced Audibles?

[Adam Carolla]

I've had to do audio versions of, I guess, four books that I did. And. And I have a hang up emotionally and probably mechanically when it comes to reading. So if you want to torture Adam Carolla or you want to scare Adam Carolla, you go, here's a book. It's 310 pages. Read it into a microphone, and every time you stop, we'll just have to Stop. And then you can start again. I think my first book, I don't think I could get. These are all words that I've written. I couldn't get a line and a half without stumbling and having to go back and reboot.

[Dawson]

Same thing. I. Every paragraph, I was like, can I do that again? And then I'd stumble and then think. Also, I go, like, should I do an impression of this person if I'm quoting him?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

Didn't sound right at all. And then I told him, hi, how are you? And he was like, well, you know. And like, wait, let me do that again. That doesn't sound like him at all.

[Adam Carolla]

My audiobook, I think my first one especially, but. But my audiobook sounds like. Would sound like me going, you know, chapter two. It was my 23rd birthday, and I woke up that morning. Oh, hold on. You know what happened when I was driving here tonight? I was driving to the studio. God damn it, man. This guy in a gardening truck. I know. This isn't in the book. This isn't in the book bonus materials. I swear to God, this just happened. So it's fresh on my mind. I'd do 20 minutes on something else.

[Dawson]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'd go back and I'd go, I think we got enough for that chapter.

[Dawson]

But that sounds better. That's more entertaining. I found myself, like, going, you know what? I should have added to that. I really should have said, you know, I was, like, editing as I was speaking, which is not. You know, you gotta leave the book alone. I mean, you know, like, after you finish it, you're like. You read it and you're like, I should have changed this, and you just gotta drop it. You know, it took me a while to finish writing the book.

[Adam Carolla]

How. How is your overall feeling relationship with snl? Like, people leave. I love Saturday Night Live. I've always loved Saturday Night Live, except for when DJ Khaled performs, but.

[Dawson]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Another one. That guy. Yeah, that's how he orders food. Another one.

[Dawson]

Can I get you a coffee? Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you like some ranch with those fries?

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Normally we don't put the chili and the ranch on top of the fries. No.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Would you like a steak cut fry, a curly fry, or just a traditional fry? Just another one. Okay. Would you like us to dump the ranch into your mouth and then dip. Just push the fries.

[Dawson]

Let's think about it. Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Now, we don't have bundt cake for breakfast, and we don't. We cannot put the eggs Inside of the hole of the funnel cake. We don't normally do that, but I think we might have one left.

[Dawson]

Yeah, just another one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dawson]

Thanks for setting me up for that. That was really good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, nobody could do that.

[Dawson]

That's all he says. He just says another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know.

[Dawson]

I wasn't. I didn't know much about him until I saw snl. I didn't know a lot about a lot of music lately on at all, except for the last couple months on snl. Like that K Pop Korean.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Bts.

[Larry Miller]

Bts.

[Dawson]

Bts.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, I have no idea what they're called.

[Dawson]

I don't know, but the first line of the song is something like that. I remember that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. You made DJ Khaled? Gina, you be a gal at the Rub and Tug explains. We're about done with our session, and it's time to put your trousers back on.

[Larry Miller]

Okay.

[Dawson]

Wait, who's who?

[Adam Carolla]

You're DJ Khalid.

[Dawson]

I am. Okay, go ahead.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, Well, I hope you like that. I hope that worked for you. It's time to go ahead and get dressed. I'll just turn around and you can go ahead and do that.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, okay. Well, we do run a special on Tuesday, so we can do another for half price, but I'm gonna have to go ahead and tag out and bring in somebody else. Is that okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Another one. Okay.

[Larry Miller]

I think you'll like her better.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, go ahead and just stay on the table. And it seems like you're still in your refractory period, so should we wait a while or you want to do this now?

[Dawson]

Mm, another one.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, I'll grab her. I'll grab her right now. I'll be right back.

[Dawson]

Wait, one other one.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's good.

[Dawson]

Wow, I hope we're the only ones that did that bit. I really do. Because that. That's a good bet.

[Adam Carolla]

That's funny. Now we got to think of different places for DJ Khaled to. To show. To show up.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Dawson]

Playing cards, I guess, when he's at a dealership.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's right.

[Dawson]

That being dealed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, we're playing. We're at the Morongo Casino.

[Dawson]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we got a seven card. We got a seven card. I mean, a seven pack shoe over here. All right, so Mr. Khaled, you. You got a nine. You flipped over a face card. You have 19. I'm. I got. I got a three showing. So I guess you're good. You're gonna. You're gonna stand on that another One. Okay, you have. Look, I'm not here to. You have 19. I got a three showing, so I'm probably gonna flip a face card and then probably bust. Are you sure you want to hit another one?

[Dawson]

Oh, I'm going.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. DJ Khaled. Now, DJ Khaled is at a Costco, and I'm an elderly man, and I have cheese cubes, and they have two in there, and we have a one per customer policy. These are cubes of Gouda cheese. I'm. Sir, would you like to try some Arguda cheese?

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Will this help yourself to just the one, though? One. One per customer. Another one. Okay, well, you can come back tomorrow and have another piece.

[Dawson]

I can. I'm going back to Cali tomorrow. Right now, I want another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Look, I didn't graduate the Groundlings. But we're in California.

[Dawson]

I'm not. Okay, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now I'm gonna have to call my manager because we only have one. The toothpicks have cellophane on the top. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. We have the ones with the gold cellophane on top, and then the ones with the burgundy cellophane on top, and I think I can bend the rules a little. You only took the one with the gold cellophane on top. So why don't you just take one more with the burgundy, and that'll be one of each, and I think that will be good.

[Dawson]

I'll have two of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Two of them. Another two.

[Dawson]

I've got to go back to Cali.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, we're in. I'm not right now. Would you like to purchase some cheese?

[Dawson]

I'm broke.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So, okay, you. But you can't. You can come. Look, did you come here with somebody? A friend, a family with another one? Okay. Can he or she come have a square of cheese, and then I won't tell if he hands it off to you in the frozen food section, he's.

[Dawson]

A legend of number one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Well, why don't you get your legend friend and have him take another cube of cheese? I don't care. Personally, I'll get fired. I'm elderly. My grandchildren, one of them's diabetic. The other one is asthmatic. And so I really need this job.

[Dawson]

So I'll help you out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Dawson]

I'll buy another one.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll buy another one? Would you like to buy a wheel?

[Dawson]

I need two. I'm going back to Cali.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going back to Cali. You keep saying that. Oh, is that cauliflower or something? We haven't.

[Dawson]

Yes, cauliflower.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a. We have a pizza with a Cali crust.

[Dawson]

I just need another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Another one, another one.

[Teresa Strasser]

TJ Khaled goes to Costco.

[Adam Carolla]

How. How confused are his parents? Like, he just bought another yacht. They still don't know what that kid does. What is he. What does he do? Another one.

[Dawson]

What is he saying? What does he mean? Is that. He means another hit, like another song or another person to say.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it means he's tricked another talented artist into joining him on stage and doing all the heav lifting.

[Dawson]

He's waving on stage. It was like 30 people. It was like, all right, another one. Yeah, another one, another one, another one. This kept coming up. It was, like, amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to think of other professions for him. Like, if he was a commercial airline pilot, would. You'd be like, all right, DJ Captain Cal, we're gonna take off. I gotta wait till somebody sits on my lap to fly the plane for me. And you go, well, wait a minute, aren't you. We're paying you? Yeah. John Legend sits on my lap and flies the plane.

[Teresa Strasser]

And, like, he features for me as a pilot.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, how would it work if he was a roofer? Like, hey, let's get the shingling. Yeah. No, there's a guy who comes in and does it while I yell. I point at the sky and yell, another one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Point at the roof.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, point at the roof.

[Dawson]

Or it could be a boxer. Like, all right. Boom. Oh, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Oh, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so glad you watched that. So, all right, so the feelings. So people leave snl. Like, they leave. Some have a feeling. Some people are, like, feel great. Some people are, like, bitter. Some people feel like, oh, I didn't get a shake or fair shake or a shot. Like, what's your overall feeling like? If you looked at it like it was a marriage and it was a marriage over a number of years, would it be a bitter divorce or would it be. I look back, those were some of the best days I had with that person.

[Dawson]

I definitely think it was one of the best days I had with that person. Actually, I decided to go. And in a weird way, though, when I left, when I said I was gonna leave, some of the producers were like, you know, you shouldn't go, or the writers really want you to stay. And in one weird way, I was like, if Lorne himself told me, please don't go, I would have probably stayed. But I felt like eight years was A good time. I did plenty of characters, and they, you know, they found their staple, and I think people. You know, and I just got kind of. You know, my dad was ill, too, on the west coast, and I felt it was just. It was good time. It was good timing to go, you know, really.

[Adam Carolla]

So if Lauren would have, like, come to your office and said it's really important.

[Dawson]

If he were like, listen, we need you. That kind of thing, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

I think I may have stayed. Yeah. Did you know he's like the dad. He's like the dad of.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's. It's weird. I mean, even when you just do, like, the Acme Theater, whatever, the person that runs it, you just. Oh, you want their approval. You want them to come down and tell you. That was a funny bit. Like, it's. It's just. It's a relationship, and it's a strange. You know, it's kind of like what you have when you're 13 with your pop Warner football coach. But it's even more like. It's even more. You want them.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You want them. And they're not always demonstrative guys. They don't do a lot of hugging and telling you how great you are. No.

[Dawson]

And you don't even know if it's on purpose. You don't know if he's doing it. You have no idea what's going on. But it means so much to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had a few of those guys, and I wonder if there's something inherent in that wiring, because people are gonna come and go. You cannot also show a lot of this. And then someone else is gonna wonder why he hugged me and he never hugged the other guy, or vice versa or whatever it is. Maybe it just attracts a soul. And also, maybe those people learn that if I go down and slap Chris on the back and tell him how funny that is. If Will Ferrell is standing over there and he sees it, and I didn't do that, after his behavior.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Then it's not gonna work.

[Dawson]

That's possible, too, you know, but you do know that some cast members are better than others. You know, just. They just, you know, are sometimes, you know, more. They get more on the show because they're just naturally, you know, like, Will was an amazing guy, you know, so he was the star of the show, essentially, you know, and, you know, so there was a little favoritism just because he was so great, you know, he was amazing. But, you know, he. He did treat everybody pretty much equally, you know, and then when you left the show, you had conversations with him, you know, that weren't about the show anymore. Because when he were on the show, he just thought about you as part of the show, you know, and when you're gone, you were like yourself as an individual. You're somebody else. And he was much more loving. Like, when I see him, he gives you a. He hugs me and, you know, he's. We don't dance or anything, but we.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, I still very.

[Dawson]

He never hugged me before. And that's like. It's almost like Daddy hugged me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, again, like anyone who's hung out with an old high school teacher or something, now it's an adult to another adult. And you start talking about your family.

[Dawson]

You'Re like that now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not that they have to keep a sort of professional distance. Student, teacher, what have you.

[Dawson]

Yeah, but I think that's a healthy thing, though, to keep it. You don't want to show, like, who's your favorite person, you know, I think that would be weird. Everybody got all, like, you're John and you're Ringo.

[Adam Carolla]

Who were some of the guest hosts? Like, you know, like, when Tom Hanks comes on the show or Alec Baldwin comes on the show, you go, those guys could be cast members. Like, they're that talented comedically. Who are some of the ones that stood out?

[Dawson]

Well, those two are great. Jim Carrey was, of course, fantastic. God, who else?

[Adam Carolla]

Peyton Manning.

[Dawson]

Peyton Manning. Garth Brooks. God. It's always weird when, like, somebody like a sports figure comes on because they're never.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever.

[Dawson]

Unless they're in a dress.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you realize, like, you know, Daryl Strawberry's gonna guest host. You have this really funny bit where he plays the first black auctioneer at a 50s cattle auction, you know, in Selma, Alabama, or something. But then you realize in rehearsal, oh, he came. He's not up to this. Like, how's this gonna work? Have you ever had to dumb down or modify things?

[Dawson]

Yeah, well, usually you could find out in the dress rehearsal if it's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Dawson]

But, like, they usually. The writers will take care of you. Like for Derek Jeter.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was gonna say Jeter was your.

[Dawson]

We did a sketch. Well, I think the first sketch of the night, he was in a dress. I think he was a woman. Also. Garth Brooks, I think he was a woman, too, on his show. I think that helps. When you're in a dress, you can always.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an element, like, every once in a while, when you see the aging, busty Porn star. And she's wearing the bustier. It's like, oh, she's covering the C section. Scar. You always know when the writers aren't brimming with confidence with whoever's guest hosting, because they come out and they go, man, it's a lifelong dream. My first time playing Saturday Night Live hosting. And then somebody in the audience yells, I have a question. And you're like, oh, yeah. And then three more people start entering the stage and then a song breaks out. We didn't even get this person. Didn't have to memorize one three by five card worth of monologue that we were gonna give them. And then of course, when Kevin Hart does it, he's a stand up comedian, so he just does eight minutes of material but no one in the audience like jumps up.

[Dawson]

Yeah, right. Yeah, well, that's being taken care of. Although there are guest shows that come on and they have a really good idea of what they want to do and it's not a good idea. And somehow you have to tell them. It's not by suggesting other things to do, like break into a song and dance or something. But sometimes, like, I can't remember who. I think, oh, Garth Brooks wanted to do his alter, Chris Gaines. He was so committed to doing Chris Gaines.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think Chris Gaines did perform.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure.

[Dawson]

It was a weird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, very alt.

[Dawson]

Did Chris Gaines also have an album?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did. I think so.

[Dawson]

Yeah. And he's committed to doing Chris Gaines on the show. And it was like. I don't know what, it was weird. I think we all thought, oh, this is gonna be. Is this supposed to be amazing?

[Teresa Strasser]

And it's kind of weird, like shoe gazing alt rock. Like, it was very mop kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Gaines, he had a goat on.

[Dawson]

Soul patch and the hair that dangled down cowboy.

[Larry Miller]

But it wasn't funny.

[Dawson]

No, it was like I could like Bono of you two had an alter ego. He had that McPhisto thing, remember?

[Larry Miller]

And got him.

[Dawson]

But he didn't like, there's Chris Gaines. But why? I mean, it wasn't like. I think he was trying.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I love.

[Dawson]

Like, that's the clip. It's like, I don't know what was happening anyway, that's an example of something where, where a guest host was like, I really want to do this. I want to do Chris Gaines, you guys, it's going to be fantastic. And then it happened. And then that was it.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it was fantastic. History is judge.

[Dawson]

And then history is like, look at all the Chris Gaines albums. They Won't stop falling off the shelf.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm always assuming those people. Everyone needs Jimmy Kimmel in their life. Because if I was pitching that to Jimmy Kimmel in the office, he'd go, well, that's not funny. Right?

[Dawson]

Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We're not gonn do that on the man show because it'll make our show less fun.

[Teresa Strasser]

Says the guy who did Jules Dash.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you? No, I did not do Jules Dash. I did Tobias.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[Dawson]

Is that an alter ego?

[Adam Carolla]

Tobias. Tobias was. I would go down to. We do a man show bit where I go down to Venice beach and I would read women's minds as a soothsayer. Tobias. And that was a hit. How dare you? No, but that was.

[Dawson]

Your Chris Gaines say to me all.

[Adam Carolla]

The time, like, I go, I want to do this crank anchor bit. And he'd go, that sounds exactly like you. Why are you doing it? It's not funny. So everyone needs that double insult.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously, Garth Brooks didn't have. He didn't share an office with Jimmy.

[Dawson]

That's what happens, though, when somebody knows will happen if somebody doesn't say, oh, you may not want to try that. And then they do it. But that made it to air. It was like dress rehearsal, and it didn't get any response.

[Adam Carolla]

But can we hear some Chris Gaines song? Like, would we laugh? Not.

[Teresa Strasser]

No. It's overly serious. Chris Gaines was like alternative rock.

[Dawson]

It really is a weird idea.

[Teresa Strasser]

In 2002, like, it was, like, 10 years too late for, like, maybe it's.

[Dawson]

Just ahead of his time. Maybe we can jump into 20, 28.

[Larry Miller]

He's so far behind.

[Dawson]

His first, like, Citizen was, you be DJ Khaled.

[Adam Carolla]

You beat DJ Khaled. And I'll be Garth Brooks, and I'll be pitching my Chris Gaines alter ego, your DJ Cal.

[Dawson]

Okay, here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

An idea. Instead of going out there as Garth Brooks, I go out as Chris Gaines.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Johnson.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Abramowicz.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't tell if he doesn't like the idea or he doesn't like the name. Chris Vendig.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

But name Chris or.

[Dawson]

Pat go back to Cali or.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Chris. Cali or Rashida. You keep saying that.

[Dawson]

I thought my character just says that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's all I say. That's all he says.

[Dawson]

If I'm supposed to say more, let me know.

[Adam Carolla]

How about Pat McDougall? Another one. How about we. How about we go Garth Gaines? That way we have alliteration. Oh, man.

[Dawson]

Another One.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you can find it. I'll tell you about that. So this is Chris Gaines performing on snl.

[Dawson]

Might be somewhere he sang it on the show, too. I wish we had, like a.

[Adam Carolla]

We're queuing it up.

[Dawson]

If they had a video of the audience watching it, that'd be amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mouth again, like, what's going on? Let me hit the life lock here. While you guys find that nearly 60 million Americans were affected by identity theft, protect by identity theft, I should say. $14 billion stolen from victims in 2018. Freezing your credit card may stop identity thieves from opening new accounts, but you can not protect against other types of identity theft. There are so many ways cybercriminals can take what's yours. That's why there's LifeLock. Identity theft protection adds the power of Norton Security to help protect against threats to your devices you can't easily see or fix on your own. If there is a problem, they have agents who will work to fix it, but you won't have a problem because you have the industry standard. You have lifelock, right, Dawson, no one can prevent all identity theft or cybercrime or monitor transactions at all businesses. LifeLock with Norton Security can see threats you might miss on your own. Go to lifelock.com or call 1-800-LIFELOG and use promo code ADAM for 10% off your first year. That's promo code [e-mail] or 1-800-lifelog for 10% off. What if DJ Khaled was at a restaurant and I was the waiter and I asked, would you like a refill on your iced tea?

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let me just top that off. And would you like another lemon wedge?

[Dawson]

Yeah, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Another lemon wedge. All right. I noticed you sipped a little the iced tea while you were talking about the lemon wedge. You want a little more iced tea on top of the iced tea? A top off.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let me do. I'll do a side pour thing so the ice doesn't come out of the. It doesn't clog the spigot up there. Oh, geez. You made short work of those breadsticks here. You want to refill on those breadsticks?

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can get you. Do you like the cheesy breadsticks that we have? A Parmesan breadstick.

[Dawson]

Better than the ones in Cali. Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. We're in receipt of anyway. Breadsticks. Well, give me the breadsticks. Well, no, that's in California, so I guess you're right. I'm gonna give You. Some breadsticks. And you want the Parmesan breadstick. Mm. Another one. Okay. Or we have a sea salt breadstick.

[Dawson]

Not another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Not another one. Okay. Oh, that's different. All right. I guess some of that tea's evaporated since we've been talking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You want me to top that off?

[Dawson]

No, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

And that one. I can bring some lemonade out. We can make you an Arnold Palmer. I'll just go ahead and dump that on top, too.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Sorry.

[Dawson]

There's one more thing he did say, though. He said we the best.

[Adam Carolla]

He sure did. Oh, yeah.

[Dawson]

But another one. I like another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that one.

[Dawson]

Another one. Because we're the best. This kind of ends the conversation.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Some of the people on stage are the best, but I don't know if I would include him in that group. All right.

[Larry Miller]

Do you want to see Chris Gaines?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do want to see Chris Gaines. Fan of. I can't tell if you found it or not. We. No, we. We can't find the SNL performance. We do have a. A little video of him as Chris.

[Teresa Strasser]

Gaines from a Behind the Music kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

What is he doing? Played every field, I suppose.

[Teresa Strasser]

But there's something about you.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Some of the other cryptane stuff is very loud guitars, but, like minor keys. Like you have. Very shoe gazing.

[Dawson]

I thought it'd be more like. Yeah, what you said, like. Or at least Gothic or Bauhaus or something, you know, like, ah, mo Cowboy. I mean, something.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. It didn't.

[Dawson]

It's strange. And he has the wig.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

It's just a weird choice. I wonder if somebody. It's kind of like when Mariah Carey did that movie Glitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dawson]

And you think somebody during film. Oh, filmed. Sorry, apologize. You're a filmmaker. During that. Like, there were some moments where she was wearing a bike outfit and you would think a friend or somebody would say, like, listen, Mariah, I don't. You might want to just step out of this production.

[Adam Carolla]

Something a little more billowy.

[Dawson]

Just think about not continuing, you know, good friend. Like when you have a booger or something. Like, hey, listen, you got something up there.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Dawson]

Oh, thanks for telling me. Only a great friend would do that, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't she Mimi?

[Larry Miller]

Mimi, yeah, that's her alter ego.

[Adam Carolla]

That was her. Chris Gaines.

[Larry Miller]

I think one of her albums is like the Liberation of Mimi or the Celebration of Mimi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she had her. She had an alter ego.

[Dawson]

Was that the glitter? Was that glitter? Was it glitter related?

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I'd have to check. I have a laminated card filled with all my Carrie facts, but it's in my wallet. I'm sitting on it right now.

[Larry Miller]

What about Sasha Fierce? Beyonce's Sasha Fierce.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it quietly super blowhardy move to come up with another name for yourself and then push it out there? Sasha Fierce. Just knock it off. You're the biggest, by the way. You don't need two names. You got one name.

[Larry Miller]

Just the one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's take. Let's take a quick break. We'll come back. Chris will hang out. We'll do the news right after this. Oh, yeah, Give me the news with crap. News with Gina grad. Breaking viral. All those crazy Trump tweets. Give me news with Gina grad. Trouble in the Middle East, Celebrity drunk meltdown. See News with Gina. Gina. The news with Gina grad.

[Larry Miller]

Mario Batali, back in the news. He will be arraigned in a Boston court Friday morning on assault and battery charges related to a sexual misconduct incident that happened allegedly at a restaurant in 2017. So the celebrity chef, whose career was derailed two years ago after multiple women allegedly he had sexually assaulted them, is accused of forcibly kissing and grabbing at a woman's breasts and genitals at a Boston restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you do a lot of that. This guy's not gonna last a second in prison. He's gonna last, but he's gonna be miserable with the cuisine. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

The ramen and prudo kings.

[Dawson]

I threw up at his restaurant in Babo in New York.

[Larry Miller]

What happened?

[Dawson]

I don't know. It was pigeon or something. I don't remember. And something. They were so nice. They're like, let's get. They kept giving me free things like, here's some toast with the fish eye and the sperms. I don't know. It was very creative stuff. And then the mix. I don't know, but it was one of those. I gotta hold it before I get there, you know, like, I didn't make it. And a little bit sprayed out of the side of my. And hit the wall before I got to the kitchen. It was really embarrassing. But right now I feel okay about talking about that now that you told me about this.

[Larry Miller]

You showed him.

[Adam Carolla]

He was in pretty deep, like, Right. I mean, it hit him hard, and then he went completely.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. I mean, all the eatalies. You know, the chain, of course. Brian and I love And. Yeah, everything.

[Dawson]

So where's places? Okay. Right? I mean, I hope so. I'm not eating this pizza.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, no. Cross grade is very Popular.

[Adam Carolla]

I go in there, I fire up Michael Jackson, I put it in the earbuds, and I enjoy those goddamn pizzas.

[Dawson]

I still wear Jupe Joop cologne.

[Adam Carolla]

There's jupe cologne?

[Dawson]

That's a Michael Jackson cologne.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dawson]

Yeah. I don't. But that was a reference.

[Adam Carolla]

I came in a glass. Not so.

[Larry Miller]

If convicted, he could spend two and a half years in prison and be required to register as a sex offender. But his lawyer said in a statement that this charge is without merit and that he intends to fight allegations and to fully vindicate misunderstandings.

[Adam Carolla]

What's accused of.

[Larry Miller]

So basically, there was this specific one. There was a woman and her friend eating at the bar area of one of his restaurants.

[Dawson]

You said Chicago somewhere.

[Larry Miller]

I think it was in Boston.

[Dawson]

Oh, typical.

[Larry Miller]

And they see him, you know, having a drink, so they take a picture of him, like, secretly, and he notices. He's like, come here. And she said, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll delete it. He's like, no, no, I mean, come here. We'll take selfies together. And according to her, he's licking her face, he's touching her boobs, he's grabbing her crotch and, you know, trying to get. And he smells drunk and he wants her to go back to the hotel room. And she wasn't into it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to defend these guys, but if I was. If you were to, I'd bring him up. You know, normally they say, like, dress for court. You know, they'll tell them, like, you want to be sympathetic, Put a cardigan on. You know, you'll seem like a good dad, you know, or they'll put a smart suit on or whatever. I would have those guys just wear a wife beater and cargo shorts and flip flops into court and every day. And I would. Whether it was Weinstein or Batali, and I'd just go, stand up. What shot does this guy have of getting laid? Really? Honestly? Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

The Weinstein defense.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just say it's on the up and up. You think he's going to send a beer over and some chick's going to send some digits down to the end of the thing. Look at this guy. Look at him. Look.

[Teresa Strasser]

Look at him, please.

[Dawson]

I'm still concerned about that succulent that Howard.

[Larry Miller]

Relieved himself from the ficus.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

So we'll see what happens.

[Dawson]

But Tali, too, he wears shorts a lot. You know, he has a chef outfit, but he happens to wear shorts. Yeah, you know, that's. He's one of the only Chefs that I, I've ever seen wear shorts. I just want to bring that up.

[Larry Miller]

When I work for Hugo Boss. We, you know, I sold suits all day, every day. And so many dudes were agents, but so many dudes would come in and say, I need a suit for court. And I would always put them in navy blue. And because they would say, I'd say, what do you need it for? And I don't know, maybe five times. I would hear whatever makes me look innocent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

So people are really thinking about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit when they stopping Crocs make you look innocent. I think they should do Crocs test that theory. Now my Crocs joke is it's like being blown by a dude. It feels good until you look down and realize you're gay. That's what wearing Crocs is like. Thank you.

[Larry Miller]

No self respecting gay man would be in Crocs. You shit on your point.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, you're right.

[Larry Miller]

So I have a.

[Dawson]

Everyone wears Crocs.

[Larry Miller]

I have a follow up to yes, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the guys who wear Crocs and they're like, these are huge plastic rubber shoes that don't require any effort or socks or anything else. But still, I'm gonna take the heel hook and flip it even more. I want to, I want to, I want to. I want the world to know. The world's laziest man has left the house.

[Dawson]

Can you imagine wearing that?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't even hook the bucket strap under my heel. That's like a goddamn lazy I am. I'm going to flip that forward now. Forget socks, forget laces, forget Velcro and all you hipsters with your logger boots like your log camp height, lace, whatever out the window. Here's how lazy I am.

[Dawson]

High lace.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the guys who wear like lumberjack. Okay.

[Dawson]

Okay. You say correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sir.

[Larry Miller]

I'm going to DragCon this weekend. Do you want to count?

[Adam Carolla]

You are Crocs that I see. I go every year.

[Larry Miller]

You play Dragon ball.

[Dawson]

Does it really wear Crocs?

[Larry Miller]

There will be no Crocs at Dragon.

[Adam Carolla]

No Crocs.

[Larry Miller]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No crocs.

[Dawson]

RuPaul wears crocs all the time. I'll just let you know that.

[Larry Miller]

So a follow up to a story that made huge headlines. And I will prepare you. It is rough, but remember when we talked about the woman who was basically in a vegetative state who was pregnant and had a baby? Okay, that was big, big story. Narrative.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, with the nurse or the orderly?

[Larry Miller]

He was the.

[Adam Carolla]

Was a nurse for folks in institutions in Vegetative states. And he worked the graveyard shift, and he would have sex with the women in their vegetative states, you know, and he was done having sex with the one. What might DJ Khaled say?

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, right. Well, they're three to a room, dj, and you've hit all three of them, so. So.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we can go to another floor.

[Dawson]

Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't want to end up in the morgue because there's not everyone. You know, there's some kids in here for burns and stuff.

[Dawson]

Let's go back to Cali.

[Adam Carolla]

We're in Reseda. Thank you.

[Larry Miller]

You did a little bit of foreshadowing that's very, very cringeworthy. Here's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened, DJ Callie.

[Larry Miller]

So this. So CNN reports that the disabled women who gave birth at that hospital, the Arizona Long Term Care Facility, had been raped repeatedly and had likely been pregnant before Kill Bill. So her lawyers filed a suit on Wednesday with allegations against the state of Arizona and Hacienda Health Care, where she had lived since 1992.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you imagine if the guy who ran that hospital was ever at a convention with other guys who ran hospitals and his rival got in his face and were like, hey, I heard your mortality account wasn't very good last year. True. But at least this didn't happen under my watch. At least a woman in a vegetative state was not impregnated at my hospital. So you can say what you want about the cafeteria food.

[Dawson]

At least I'm not wearing Crocs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. So they think that it happened repeatedly. And by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

And they don't know it can't happen once.

[Larry Miller]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you say that it's impossible. It's. It's impossible to go, you know, I'd like to have sex with a veg. A woman in a vegetative state. But if I don't like it, that's it. I mean, one and done.

[Dawson]

Try it out once.

[Teresa Strasser]

Grandpa said try anything once.

[Dawson]

Yeah, that's a definite. Another one.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not Vegemite. You know, where you go, like, I tried it.

[Larry Miller]

Not for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Not for me.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

I don't think, like, you could only you got to have more than one Vegemite.

[Larry Miller]

I wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Look, I work with a guy named Frey. He was a Kiwi. He was from New Zealand. He lived in a VW camper van. And like, one day he did the. You're gonna like Vegemite. And I said, all right, Frazier. And we went into his camper van. And he got out his Ritz and he got out his Vegemite and he made it and I ate it and I was like, it's bad. And that was, you know, 27 years.

[Dawson]

Ago, and I've never been back for Vegemite. Like, that's when men at work sang about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Dawson]

You had Vegemite when that song came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, perfect timing.

[Larry Miller]

It's salty trash, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It does.

[Dawson]

What is it? Is it like sperm Spam?

[Larry Miller]

It's fermented roots, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a fermented root. Whatever.

[Dawson]

Yeast.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just bad. Look, if you guys really want to gag like Chris Kattan at Amari Vitale restaurant, brewer's yeast will literally make you gag. Brewer's yeast is the of all. They used to think it was really healthy and really whatever, but it is horrible. Sorry.

[Larry Miller]

So just to. Just to tie this story up so we can move on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is.

[Dawson]

Let's drag it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Vegemite is brewer's yeast extract. That's why it's the world's worst tasting substance.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, so apparently before she delivered this baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Let me say this to all my friends from New Zealand. Are you guys out of creamy peanut butter? Because everyone loves breads. Creamy peanut butter, Jam berry based spreads. Yes. Like, if I was trying to catch a rat and I had to bait the trap with either Vegemite or Skippy Creamy peanut butter, Guess how many rats I would catch with Vegemite. 0.

[Dawson]

What about, like this? Old fashioned Sardines or.

[Adam Carolla]

Sardines.

[Dawson]

I mean, I'm not a fan, but I've seen it, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Got it.

[Dawson]

Thanks for agreeing with me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I do. Sardine. I'm not. It's weird. I don't like sardines, but I get it. Like, I do like them every once in a while. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

All right, so just to get through this, there were 83. They're claiming 83 missed opportunities to diagnose her as pregnant. And according to the documents. Because people are coming in and out that many times to check on her vitals. Whatever. According to the documents. I did not know this the first time we talked about this story. Nobody noticed she was pregnant until the baby's head started crowning.

[Dawson]

That's insane. Now, look, unless. Well, go ahead.

[Larry Miller]

Unless what?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, if she. If her hospital bed is inside a transmission repair shop, you would still yell at everyone. What the fuck? It's in a hospital and there's a bunch of trained physicians and nurses. And nurses. And. Or These people.

[Dawson]

That does not make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Should know this.

[Larry Miller]

They sure should.

[Dawson]

Maybe the. The. It was the baby kind of was laying on its back, like in her stomach. Wasn't curled up baby. She a great big fat person.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a couple extra pounds. Also, I mean, to be fair to the people that worked at the facility.

[Dawson]

Because you were not going to be fair. Besides that one person.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think this is something you would expect.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, it's totally out of context, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You probably wouldn't be checking, but if you're.

[Larry Miller]

If you're just on a drip instead of solid foods, wouldn't you notice that somebody's belly had been incredibly distended lying down?

[Dawson]

That's what I mean. Like, when it's lying. I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a humongous lady.

[Dawson]

She might be a heavyset woman.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

How, though?

[Larry Miller]

I mean, you've been bedridden for two decades.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's not exercising.

[Dawson]

Maybe she wasn't hungry.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. These are solid observations.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have a Vegemite drip, do they? I don't think so. That'd be torture.

[Dawson]

That's awful to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, I'm sure this guy will be rehabbed fully in prison.

[Larry Miller]

He'll be just fine. I think they're suing for about 45 million. The family.

[Dawson]

That's a good amount.

[Larry Miller]

See what happens. You want one more to cleanse?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, all I'm saying is, is how did they come. Who was the NFL sideliner? Aaron Andrews.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

When he got peeped on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Aaron Andrews got out with like a cool 30 mil. Maybe 40 mil. Whatever it is, better goddamn get more than her. That's all I'm saying.

[Larry Miller]

You make a solid point.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody videotaped her through a pee pole shaking her money maker, and she got 30 million out of whomever. She didn't even know she was a victim until she saw a picture of it. If that's good for 30, then your daughter being routinely raped in a vegetative state, you got. I don't care if it's one penny. Like, if it's just symbolic, like whatever. Erin Andrews got paid one penny more. She got $55 million.

[Teresa Strasser]

The great thing is Arizona family, this.

[Adam Carolla]

One'S, they're going to settle up for 16. 5. Yeah. What. What is our legal system? Have a legal system.

[Dawson]

How do they come up with those certain specific numbers? Like I'm say 45 million, almost 60 million. Well, how about 50, maybe 70? Is there. Do they add up questions? I have an Add in, if I.

[Adam Carolla]

Represent them, I'm coming right in with the newspaper. This blonde, privileged woman, $55 million in her living room of the Hilton or whatever, shaking her ass. Whatever. That's good. We must get more than that for this.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's a basic.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a hypothetical. You have two daughters. One of them is gonna be filmed dancing naked in a Hilton. The other one is gonna be raped repeatedly in a hospital room.

[Larry Miller]

Let me think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Which one would get more money? Jesus Christ, DJ Khaled. We have time for another one.

[Dawson]

Oh, well, another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. But he said that like he was running out of time.

[Dawson]

Hey, hey, hey. I got another.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, another one. Okay, so we got time. Let's do another one.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, you got it. Well, New Coke will return to the shelves this week to coincide with the upcoming third season of the Netflix hit series Stranger Things.

[Dawson]

Another one, New Coke.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, how does it work when they're sitting around over at the headquarters in Atlanta? Like, we need something that conjures up a memory of Bill Cosby. What can we do here? Can we put a picture of him on a can pie?

[Teresa Strasser]

Can we combine it with a sense of failure? Overwhelming sense of this?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, what if you took rape and failure and put them in a Cuisinart? That's what we're shooting for. That's what we're going for.

[Dawson]

The. The 40th anniversary for Saturday Night Live, Eddie Murphy was asked to do a Bill Cosby sketch, but he said no.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

That's one of the reasons why when he came out, he was kind of, you know, not like, he didn't do.

[Larry Miller]

A skit or anything, but it's still.

[Dawson]

Cool to see him. He just wasn't, you know, Chris Rock came a huge buildup because he's Eddie Murphy, for God's sake. You know? But that's what happened. Just to let you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dawson]

Just to let you know a little.

[Larry Miller]

I think we talked about it here.

[Dawson]

But it'd be a weird thing to do. Like, hey, Eddie, you're a legend. You want to do a Bill Cosby sketch? I think it'd be kind of, like, strange to.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird. And then it's also like, does he do it because he respects Bill Cosby, or does it because he doesn't want to be.

[Larry Miller]

Not if you saw Raw. He doesn't respect him.

[Dawson]

It would be a definite making fun, but it would be a strange.

[Teresa Strasser]

Chris, I'm curious. What were your thoughts on. On that. On that anniversary special?

[Dawson]

I thought there Was a lot of people, a lot going on. I mean, there's this. I was like Vanity Fair plus third. I mean, it was. Everyone was.

[Teresa Strasser]

Were you simply an attendee? Did you have anything to do with the planning of it? I'm curious what your role was.

[Dawson]

Well, I was an attendee. I was there, you know, I wasn't used in the show, but I was in, you know, the sketches that they showed and stuff, you know. But there's some people that were. Weren't used. I don't know what they're. You know, I mean, like, I do know, like, and that's how SNL is, and that's what makes it such a. An appealing show is that they favor what's hot at that moment. I mean, I know, like Bradley Cooper said to me, like, they asked. I was like, hey, that was so cool to see you in the. One of the first. I think it was the California's. I think the name where they. Yeah, they're like, oh, my God. And they asked him last minute to do it know because it's Bradley Cooper. Why not? You know, so they. They do think that way, you know, if, you know, like someone like, you know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it was such a straight. I'm a huge fan of the show from your era and before and after. And I was so confused why they did like, essentially so many cover versions of sketches. Like, they had so many people. Chris Farley, like, didn't Dan Aykroyd do the Bassmatic or something? But they did, like, updated versions of the same sketch. Like, why would you play the classic sketch? Everyone knows what is falling flat.

[Dawson]

Well, we were there. There I was in the audience and it was. I was already like, sitting right in front of me was Steven Spielberg and Lucas. So I just kept staring.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, it was an event for sure.

[Dawson]

That's all I looked at for like a half hour. But Lucas only laughed at the Basmatic sketch. I remember that. It's the only thing we're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

George Lucas.

[Dawson]

Yeah, George Lucas and Spielberg, like, seeing. Just look at their hairline and their ears and their neck. Like, which one was tanner than the other, you know, they smell good. They smell very.

[Larry Miller]

I bet.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Kolloshow, 2579. Coming up next, we have Adam Kollishow, 2150. Greg Fitzsimmons, Regina grad, Brian Bishop from 2017.

[Mike August]

Yeah, I've always been amazed by your ability because we do live shows together sometimes and you always arrive on time, but never early.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Larry Miller]

He doesn't like to settle in backstage.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

He doesn't have backstage ritual.

[Mike August]

Gets backstage. A beer is cracked or a glass of wine is poured, and he just. I've never seen it. No fucking preparation. Just walks on stage.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, what do you call the beer, Greg?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's called taking the edge off. That's part of my prep show. Prep show prep. You know, I. It's like this. It's like this. It's either no preparation or never stops preparing because there's no part of life that doesn't remind me of something where I don't make a note or I can't walk my dog, go to the bar, or even take a nap without thinking about something that should be discussed.

[Mike August]

And you have pieces of paper that you write these down on.

[Adam Carolla]

I have buck slips that I write stuff down on constantly.

[Larry Miller]

And you can have them, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you can have them, too. Yeah, they're on our. They're on our website. Yeah. The Corolla drinks ones. I don't. The Corolla show ones. I don't have any of those in front of me. I have ones. I'll bring you some.

[Mike August]

I got some in my pocket. Yeah, I get a bunch if you give them later.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, smart. Yeah. Now you have pieces of paper, but you need buck slips because they're hearty and you can hold them and write on them without cardstock. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike August]

These get all fucked up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Let's hook Greg up with a stack of buck slips.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna get you some buck slips. All right. I want to talk about season two of Crashing, because it says here you just wrapped writing on that, and I love that show.

[Mike August]

Appeared in an episode as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it makes sense. Yeah. And I love the show. I love all the comics. I think it's very well written. Can you tell us when season two comes out? Thank you, Gary.

[Mike August]

You know, I spoke to Judd Apatow about it, and it looks like early. Early 2018, but I don't want to get ahead of any kind of press releases about it, but we shot the whole thing on schedule in New York. Didn't get any crazy weather. We got held up one night because we're in the Village, and I don't know, we shot at comedy clubs a lot, but a lot of times at the Comedy Cellar and then the Village Underground, which is next door, and Street Scenes, we would start taping at midnight on McDougal street in August. So it was fucking Medlum Bedlam or Medlim Bedlam. Bedlam.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be a medley of Bedlam. Yeah.

[Mike August]

We was especially in Village and it was like every. Like you would start shooting and people would just walk up to the camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just.

[Mike August]

How you doing? I guess I'll be on HBO now.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this Real Sex?

[Larry Miller]

What do you want to know?

[Mike August]

Yeah. Right. And so this one guy gets up, this homeless guy, and he just starts going, duh. Like every 15 seconds. And so we're shooting, and we literally, obviously can't shoot. And so we go, what are we gonna do? Because you can't call the cops. The guy has a right to yell on McDougal street in August at midnight if he wants. And so we get this. One of the assistant producers goes up. He goes, I'll just give him some money. So he walks over to the guy and the guy's homeless, and he. You see him exchange. And then the guy walks away. And I go, how much did you give him? He goes, a dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Not a. Not. Not a lot of negotiations.

[Mike August]

He could have held out for five easily.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what he was doing it to get the dollar. Right?

[Mike August]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I have experienced, when you do, you know, you shoot on the street, there's a lot of people that just figure. It's a weird. It's an interesting mindset. The mindset is this. Every time something happens around you, you think, how can I get involved with this? Like, how can I get paid? How can I do this? Which is weird because it's a rich man, poor man thing.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark gergas does a $13 billion class action lawsuit for all the folks in Colorado that have Salmon Cable and are suing. Like, he takes this and this, and he slides in between this and this, and that makes you a huge sports agent or a huge. Or Mark Garrigus or whatever. And then the guy on the street just wants a dollar because he's gonna come over here and urinate on your tripod if you don't get him out of there. But it's not something that the middle class does. The middle class just has a gig, goes to work, and comes home. They don't get between the money and the product or whoever. The plaintiff and the jury, like, they don't slide in between. They just go to work.

[Mike August]

That whole bullshit with the pod. The guy with the patent. The patent troll about the podcasting did nothing. He's that guy standing on the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's the white collar version of that guy. It exists at the highest levels and at the lowest levels, but there is no, hey, I make $61,000 a year getting in between guys. It doesn't really exist. It's a weird. It's the same mindset now. It is one of those things where the guy who's constantly obsessed with, hey, something's going on. How do I get paid at the street level? Never really makes any money. I mean, it's never. It's weird that your mind mindset is on the money, but you never really end up with anything.

[Mike August]

Yeah, And New York is famous for that. Hustlers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Party promoters. And the guy that plays percussion in a band, right? He's got a Cuban bongo. He's got some kind of an Algerian pan flute. He never really took a lesson in a musical instrument. But he's the guy that chicks come to see because he's got a man bun and he's stroking a washburn board. He brings vibe to it.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, women, I'm surprised you're not thinking about this a little more. To me, I have, like, funk, stink and BO indicators. And when I see man bun, I put a couple of points onto your BO board. And when I see dreads, especially on, like, on a black dude, you get a few points on the BO board, but on a white dude, you get at least double digits on the BO board. And if you think that there's really no more BO activity than fucking, like, that's when you unleash the hounds of bo. You know what I mean? Like, you can work up some BO playing ultimate Frisbee, but it's a different kind of BO when the dude's on top of you. I would factor all these things in and steer toward the guy with the crew cut who looks fresh shaved, who looks like he smells of Aqua Velva and Livoris, you know, rather than man bun guy. Because if you ever get too close, kicking boots with that guy.

[Mike August]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know why more women don't. Instead, they're attracted to tattooed, sleeved up man. You know, the guy, the guy, weird belly button with the sun on it. Dude, sun on the belly button. At least eight units of funk, right?

[Mike August]

For me, a guy wearing flip flops, you know, nasty.

[Adam Carolla]

His feet have soot on him, man bun and. Or dreads white. Dude, sun on the belly button, flip flops. We're up to, like, you know, 23 or 24 hobo units now in terms of.

[Mike August]

Then you get. Put the ski hat on top of it. Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or the weird rasta hat and the hiccups.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. Yeah. Is it hot or is it cold guy? You know, he's wearing a super tight sort of ironic T shirt with a band on it from the 70s. Like, super tight. And he's got the scarf wrapped around his neck, but I can see all of it. His arms.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it? That dude.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Larry Miller]

And really worn in jeans.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are we rewarding him with sex? That's what I want to know.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know. I've done it so many times.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop it, please.

[Larry Miller]

I did stop. I did end up going for the clean.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you become an enabler.

[Larry Miller]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? The guy's like, hey, I should get another tattoo on my taint. Yeah. I mean, why not? Why. Why am I squandering my asshole? I've used my belly butt and that's. I got my dick sucked a few times because of that. My asshole. I feel like, hey, we're leaving money on the table. I need a son around my asshole.

[Mike August]

Or a son. Or just a face where it's a winker. He's winking. The asshole is the closed eye.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Mike August]

And then he can look surprised when you fart. Just opens up wide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It'll look like your monocle fell out.

[Teresa Strasser]

The one guy who should be surprised is the guy who Arenas.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. He knows what's coming. All right, well, we love crashing and we look forward to coming back.

[Mike August]

That's good to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

So tell me about the process of writing that show for you.

[Mike August]

Well, we started out for like a month and a half. We were in la, and Judd's got a little office, and we all pile into a conference room for, like, six weeks and just break stories, which means we had comics in the room like Beth Stelling and Ian Edwards. And we just tell road stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Mike August]

What's the crazy shit that happened to you on the road? You know, waitresses that you fucked in the bathroom and just. Just stuff about struggling. And so we pitch them out, and then some of them turn into a story. And then once they turn into a story, then one writer will go off and write the script.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

And then that becomes. Once you go into production, that becomes a working script. Meaning actors are encouraged to improvise after, you know, you get the first take done. And then after that, it's very much like I was the only two. Three of us went to New York, three of the writers, just to be on set, to give alts different endings to jokes. You know, once we get it once, let's do it another way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

So that was fun. That was like, you know, drink a lot of coffee and just Stand there and, like, you know, be inspired to make it better all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's one of my favorite shows, and I look forward to it coming back. All right, got a couple of phone calls up there on sort of a horrible Labor Day jobs. I've talked to guys who have to do this before. This first one. Hey, Joe. 60 Covina. Yeah. Adam, Gina, Paul. What's going on, man? Not much. How are you? Good. Give me the worst. Well, one, some of my friends said this guy was paying, I think, like 10 bucks an hour. This was 1972. You have to crawl inside a cement mixer with these little jackhammers and, you know, bang out the cement that's stuck inside the drum. Yeah, yeah. Because when the cement. When the cement kicks and hardens inside of the cement mixer, which happens on occasion, somebody's got to get in. In there with a jackhammer and get it out.

[Larry Miller]

What must the acoustics be like?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Jesus, it's brutal. And that was an air powered one, right? Right. It was air powered. We had, like ear protection and goggles and overalls and a mask. But, oh, man. After two weeks, I quit. I couldn't hear anymore. You know what, people? And it's really hot outside right now where we are. And so it always makes me think of the thanks, Joe. Of the Misery, because you have this decision to make when you're doing this kind of work. Because I've done this kind of work when it's really hot. If you wear the full goggle, the full mask and the coveralls and you wear a long sleeve shirt or whatever, if you use protection, it's 117 degrees outside. So you have to kind of choose. There's a balancing act, which is like you, you should be wearing pants because there's sparks flying around, but it's 111 degrees outside. And so you choose to wear shorts and you should wear mask, but it's like breathing in your hand and it's already hot enough outside, so you tend not, you know, you pull your shirt up over your face and that kind of stuff. I had a. I had Gary showing us pictures of it. The worst job. And I was just thinking, oh, it's a dirty job. We love micro. All right, Gary. We got the worst job I ever had. And the only time in my lowly construction career where I literally just walked off a job, like where I just said. And I've done everything. I'd crawled underneath condemned earthquake, condemned buildings and dug footings, you know, next to dead cats with a coffee can and stuff like that. I mean, I'd done the worst of the worst and would. Would continue to do so. But, like, the only time I said, like to the foreman, I need to go to another job. I can't work this one anymore. Like, we had like three or four jobs going. Like, I need to be transferred. I can't do this anymore. And. And I won't. Was in Reseda, there was a big racquetball club, and they were modifying this big health club, racquetball, back when racquetball was really popular. And they had a thing where they were gonna keep the. They were gonna keep the racket center up, the health center up and running. But they wanted to demo out the wall between. Between two racquetball courts, the wall between the two. So they wanted to turn to one big area. And, you know, racquetball was, I don't know, hot in the 80s. And this is the 90s and no more racquetball. So let's blow this wall out. Well, in order to get rid of the wall in between the two courts, first thing we had to do was shore up the ceiling, which is like 30ft high because it's a racquetball court. So we had all these big beams going up, holding up kickers, we call them, holding up the ceiling. So when we take this wall down, the ceiling doesn't come with it because it's a load bearing wall. Next thing we do is we set up scaffolding on each side of the wall. And the wall is made of concrete about 8 or 9, 10 inches thick. And then on the outside of it is really thick particle board, like inch and a half thick particle board. And the first thing we have to do is get to the top of the scaffolding and start cutting off all the particle board, which is really jagged and comes falling off and everything. And then since the concrete went all the way to the ceiling, we had to start from the top, and we had to get on the top with jackhammers and lay on our belly just half a foot from the ceiling and start jacking the top of this wall out like 30ft above. Now, jackhammers run off air compressors. Those are those things out in the parking lot, says Ingersoll. Ran on them, and they have the wheels, and you trailer them over and you see those big fat hoses, and when you hit it, the air is released. But the problem is when you're jackhammering out concrete, the air also shoots out and it makes this dust cloud because concrete Turns into powder, and the air's just going.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why you had those mesothelioma ads.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. And so you're laying on top of this thing. Now, they can't have this open to the rest of the. Of the club because of the dust. So they put plastic all along the top.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like, they trap you in.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it's safe for humans.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be open along the top. So if you're walking along the balcony on the second floor, you could look down and, like, see people playing racquetball. But that's all plasticked off. The doors and openings, everything's plasticked off. Now you're just in this big old plastic cage with this thing, and concrete's falling from. Like, when you're walking in, there's chunks falling down. And you're laying on your belly and you're trying to take these big chunks off. And then once we got the wall down to, like, 12ft off the ground. Now guys are standing on top of the wall that we brought down to, like, 12 foot and hitting it with a sledgehammer, but trying not to fall off simultaneously. It was like the most dangerous, high, hottest, dirtiest. Like, I was just like. And it was during the summer, and there was no air blowing, and it couldn't blow any air or anything in there. And we didn't have masks or helmets or goggles or anything.

[Larry Miller]

How many hours are not invented yet?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they didn't. We never.

[Larry Miller]

Everything we did on the wall, you're breaking.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we didn't care about any of that or anything.

[Mike August]

And. And do that for eight hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. That was my life. And then I would. That was in restaurant, and the weather was like it is today. And then I would get back into my mini truck, drive with no air, drive back to North Hollywood, go into my upstairs apartment that face the west with no air, and just hose off and go to bed. Yeah, it was the worst. Heat is like. Heat's. Heat's bad. When we're living this kind of life, it's like, no, my car's got air. My car is parked in the garage. The street, it's annoying. We come here. It's got air. When you're working and when you're living that kind of life, it's devastating. Yeah, it is all encompassing. Like, the job is hotter than. The drive back is hotter than. And the apartment is hotter than. Yeah, I didn't even have a wall unit in that apartment.

[Mike August]

Yeah, I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I worked miserable.

[Mike August]

I worked in the Hamptons one summer at this place called Don't Upper.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I said before. Sorry. I worked in the house.

[Mike August]

I can't get near. I can't get near that.

[Adam Carolla]

But their ambrosia salad was awful. My God, it was like the third worst I'd had that summer.

[Mike August]

The dry cleaner faded the pink on my Izod shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the collar wouldn't even stay. Collar would stand up.

[Teresa Strasser]

The alligator turned up his snout.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

The greens that summer were dried out. They didn't roll.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Mike August]

I worked at this club and I was the low man on the totem pole. I was the bar. Back at this, there were four outdoor bars that were circles. Each one had four bartenders in it. Sixteen bartenders, speed pouring like Tom Cruise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

And then all of Brooklyn loaded in every Saturday and Sunday and it was dudes ripped, muscle bound dudes in banana hammocks. And then chicks in bikinis with stunning stilettos.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Very 80s, right?

[Mike August]

It was very 80s. And I would get there at the crack of dawn and I'd stock everything. I'd be carrying buckets of ice, stocking 16 bar stations, me and one other guy. But we could drink all day. So we would drink Coors Lights. And by three o' clock, everyone in Brooklyn's fucked up. And the women start fighting. It was like there was a scheduled fight at three o' clock. And I mean, pulling hair. I remember one time a girl's top got ripped off and I saw one of the guys take it and throw it behind the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mike August]

And. But the. So there was a lot of upsides. I was drunk the whole time. I was getting tons of cash because I had 16 bartenders all tipping me out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm so miserable.

[Mike August]

But the downside was the ladies room where everything. And I'm not going to get into details about what was in the bowls, but I had to to hand clean them because so much had stuffed up the toilets. And it happened. The toilets were bad. So it happened every day. 100 degrees out. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this about women?

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this to Matt Fondelier the other day. I am completely convinced that they're meaner than men and they're more apt to physical violence.

[Mike August]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And that, you know, I weigh 70 pounds more than Lynette, but if Lynette weighed 70 pounds more than me, she would have beat me a couple of times. Doled out. Yeah, she would have, definitely. And then eventually.

[Teresa Strasser]

Deservedly. Deservedly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Eventually there'd be an understanding where it's like, you know, she'd say, like, you know, hey, did you. It's hot. Did you fill the pool with the hose? I'd go, eh, I'm thinking about getting to it later. And then all she'd do is stand or cuff her sleeve up, and I just go scurry outside. There's no doubt. I know women are meaner than men, but because men have £70 on them, it sort of keeps it in check. It's the same as birds. Birds are the goddamn meanest creatures on the planet, but they weigh 9 ounces, and there's really not much you can do. But birds are the meanest. But they're the meanest. We just don't like. When you think of mean animals, you think of, like, hyenas or shark. Birds are the meanest.

[Mike August]

Look at the dragons on Game of Thrones.

[Adam Carolla]

They're the lightest, but they're the meanest. Look, I'll put it this way. If I got my dog right here, it's £110. Taking a nap behind me wouldn't hurt anybody. If a bird ever. If there was a species of bird that got to 110 pounds, we'd be snatched up and dropped in volcanoes. There's no doubt that my kids would have to run serpentine to the mailbox because these things would take them off and kill them and eat them and feed them to their young. I mean, they're mean, I think, women. And that's why I don't think it's a coincidence that in England they call women birds.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, we took the scenic route, but we got there.

[Adam Carolla]

And the way I know women are angrier and meaner than men is it's a simple test. If you're standing in a crowded area, subway or whatever, and you take a step back and you step on a guy's stuff toe, he goes, hey, bud. Hey. You know. Or he'll do something. Women. A hand will go flying out a hand. If I step on my wife's toe, she'll smack me reflexively. That's her not thinking. That's her in a sort of neutral resting point. Pressure on my foot, hand flies out. Yeah, that's who they are. Now, if that hand weighed 100 pounds more than you, we'd be in trouble.

[Mike August]

If you go to a nightclub with a girl, let's just say she's Italian. No offense to Lynette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

You are essentially her fighter. If somebody bumps into her or insults her, you are now ordained to fight the, you know, the guy who did it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no doubt. If women and birds were bigger, we'd be gone, right? No birds.

[Mike August]

Like, look at a fucking bird cage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, People.

[Mike August]

People take a bird and they put it in a cage in their house. Like the things not miserable enough. And they go, can I pet him? No, he'll. He'll fucking nub.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll claw you, bite you. Why do you have it in the cake? I have no idea. I have no idea. First off, they are the loudest. I worked at a gym. The guy at the gym had a big blue macaw. And this thing would sit there like, like, like frozen, like a hood ornament for like 11 hours. And all of a sudden it just go, wow. And everyone would jump, like. Because the noise it makes is meant to travel through the canopy of the rainforest for 60 miles and alert other macaws to danger. And we were in a basement in Pasadena at Bodies in Motion at the gym, and at a low ceiling. And this thing would be silent for hours and then let the thing go. And when it let it go, it would rupture your eardrums and scare the shit out of you. But this thing, this macaw, here's how evil this bird was. I would train people in the ring. They had a ring that was about. It's like 16 inches off the ground. Like you just kind of set it up. Had the canvas and the ropes and everything. And this thing. Well, I'd be working like with a student, like a private, you know, one on one, you know. And I had a stopwatch because I wanted to tell like three minutes on, three minute, one minute off, you know, the place wasn't on a bell. Most gyms are like on a bell. Like boxing gyms, they ring every three minutes and then a minute later they ring again and it's back to work. And it's a weird thing if you go to a real boxing gym. Everyone goes to work and then the thing rings and everyone stops and drinks water and does whatever and then it rings again and everyone goes back to work. Everyone works out two rounds, you know, so they'll do. I'll do three rounds on the heavy bag and five rounds on the double ended bag or whatever it is. So this one wasn't. But I had this plastic watch. And to me it was like a big ticket item, like a durable good, because it was like $14 and I was poor. And I would set it down on top of the turnbuckle on the corner of the ring. There's like a pad. You could set it on top and I'd set it and I'd see this bird? He'd get off of his perch, and he'd walk. Walk all the way across the gym till he got to me in the ring. And then he'd get himself up onto the ring apron, and he'd watch us. And then he would work his way over to the center of the ropes. The ropes had. The ropes were ropes, but they had a sleeve, a vinyl sleeve, red and blue and whatever, to look nice around the ropes. And if he went to the center, in between the two turnbuckles on the right and the left, it sagged. And it sagged just enough for him to reach up, and he would grab the part of the vinyl that was hanging down and get his beak on it and pull himself up to the top of that rope. And then he would pull himself up to the next one, and then he'd get to the top rope.

[Larry Miller]

Genius.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he would start walking around, and eventually on the rope, he'd walk around on the top of the. The rope. And eventually he got to my stopwatch. He took his big old beak, he put it right in the middle of it, and I just heard crunch. And I was like, you goddamn bird, you're so mean. Like, I'm a poor guy. I charged a guy 20 bucks a session for a private lesson.

[Teresa Strasser]

He knew.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just crunched the only thing I have of value. Yeah. What's next? I got a Zuzu trooper out in the parking lot. You want to go have at it with that? So he crunched, and I was like, God damn. Was also one of these things where I saw him up on the rope, but I was like, I don't know what he's doing, but I'm teaching a guy how to box, and we're just gonna carry on. I don't know what to do with him. I can't pick him up or shoo him or there's nothing I could do. He's gonna let that blood curdling scream out again. So I didn't want any of that. So the next time I showed up, I had a new stopwatch. And this time I saw him coming, and I kind of knew what he was doing, but he moved so slowly, slowly that I'd see him, like, across the gym, and I'd go, all right. Well, I got three or four rounds before he even gets up to the mold. And I started. Look, all right. And I started working with the guy again. And then I'd see him, like, on the apron. I'm like, all right. But it's gonna take him a while to get up to the top. And then over to the whatever. And he was. He didn't move fast, so I was like, all right. And then I was like, of course I got distracted. And I heard crunch again. So I got my second one. Then when I started doing. Doing is. I then bought a third one, but I started bringing the one that he crunched to use as a decoy to.

[Teresa Strasser]

Set out like this one.

[Larry Miller]

How'd that work?

[Adam Carolla]

I really don't remember. I just remember hating that fucking bird. It was so mean. No, they're.

[Mike August]

They're terrifying. I mean, you think about the scariest movies of all time. Godzilla movies about viruses that kill heavier. Still not considered the scariest movie of all time. The birds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Alfred Hitchcock.

[Adam Carolla]

Alfred Hitchcock. I know. I'm telling you, they. If they, if they could just like women, they would kill us. It'd be carnage. I think, actually, to be fair, I think women would enslave us.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then birds would just kill us. Or maybe they would work in unison. Maybe like, don't make me get the bird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Given the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Give you the bird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Given the same size and dimensions. Birds are cats who would. Because they're, they're, they're, you know, who. Who would claim dominion over us faster.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like birds are meaner. Cats are moody, and they do tolerate us, but. But birds don't like us.

[Larry Miller]

Well, and like, and like birds. And I can speak from experience. Women often act on reflex. So, like, if Tim's coming in too fast or whatever, I think he's gonna tickle me. Elbow goes up, he's like, what the hell? Always elbows are a push. And I'm like, oh, sorry about that.

[Mike August]

Were you hit as a child?

[Larry Miller]

No, never. But I do. But I had an older brother, so I'm all about the elbow defense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think you can get the elbow past the titties.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I'll just say I'm just asking.

[Larry Miller]

I got long upper arms.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I just feel like it's a truth that I don't think we discuss as a society.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can I piggyback on Greg's thing? Cause I used to be a bar back as well. That was a work study job. An on campus job I had at USC in like 19, when I was a student there. I was a bar back and it was. I thought it was a cool job. Oh, you're gonna get paid and you're gonna learn how to be a bartender. You're gonna work the blah, blah. I worked the alumni picnics, and it reminded me when you said that Your misery index, no matter how fun the job might be, ostensibly is raised when you see other people having way more fun right around. Like, I'm at the alumni picnics, pre football games, and I had to miss almost every home game that year because I'm a big, you know, USC football fan. Because I had to stay and clean up the bar and, you know, pack up all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I was like, oh, this was supposed to be a fun job, but I'm pouring drinks for all these rich drunk, and I'm watching him go to the game, and here I am cleaning.

[Mike August]

Up, and you're the bottom of the totem pole. I was literally surrounded by sluts for three months. I didn't even get a hand job that summer.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I was a guy covered.

[Mike August]

In vomit with a mop, and you're.

[Teresa Strasser]

Humping huge, like huge bags of ice.

[Mike August]

Or just a beer on your shoulder.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's lifting.

[Teresa Strasser]

Heavy, heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

I got two thoughts. One is, I guess now I should reflect on this with a little more clarity because I didn't not have see this. Actually, now I'm grateful because my job sites what I described. My only company was Mexicans looking for a place to die. So if it had, if it had been Spuds McKenzie and the Swedish bikini team, maybe, yes, in contrast, I would have been more miserable. You're right. I should look at this giving you a lot to think about. I just want to make. I just want to make this point that most people in this modern era or under the age of 50, or who come from any kind of semblance of a family or with any kind of education behind them, you guys have had bad jobs or like boring jobs or dicky bosses or whatever. But I had. And so did my cohorts. As buddies from high school, we had jobs that were like being punished, which is a different sort of thing. Like, it's one thing to sit at a desk, stare at a phone, and just be bored out of your brains. It's another thing if someone just kept yelling, do push ups. And they put their boot on your back and that was your job. That's what this shit would be like when you be gathering up the concrete and dragging it out to the dumpster and it'd be 110 degrees. It was like. It was like punishment. It was a weird punishment. It's sweaty, dirty. We would oftentimes at the end of the day get the hose and just completely hose ourselves off. Like in the driveway of the house where we're digging ditches. It's Also a weird thing, and maybe it's part of who I am. But digging ditches for 10 hours, not dig ditches for an hour, and then do a little finish work, put up some crown molding and then go back to digging ditches. And then after that we go put a skim coat on some drywall or put prime. Well, just digging ditches. Ten hours. And you know, it. Sunday night, you know, like Monday, when you're driving in, there's no thoughts about what are we working on today? Or what are we, what are we going to do? When I was digging caisson holes. Oh, God. I'll tell you guys about misery. First I'll tell you about. I'll tell you about vault and then I won't depress myself anymore. Yeah, I never really thought about the promise of misery. But when I started off and we were. The job I started off in was a house up in the hills of Silver Lake. And the street level was where you pulled the car in the garage. And that's where the living room was. And then you'd walk down the stairs and the bedroom was down because the house was on a slope and we needed to put caissons, big deep holes downstairs to shore up the house. And normally you use a caisson rig. If you ever see those things like by the side of the freeway with the huge auger bit and the big thing, they're caisson rigs. They just drill a hole, come out, and then they fill it with rebar and concrete and that's a caisson. But you can't get a caisson rig into a house that's already built downstairs. So we had to dig by hand. And one guy, you had one of two jobs. And we did this for. For months. You'd either be in the hole and the hole was a small, narrow hole. It was enough for you to climb down a ladder and get in. But it was like two foot by two foot. And you couldn't have a full size shovel. And you weren't going through soil. You're going through like compacted bedrock and stuff. It gets really hard when you get down deep and you had to get four feet into bedrock. You had a chipping pole, which is really just like a big iron pole that's pointed at the end and you chip, chip, chip because you couldn't shovel it out. Then once you chipped up enough, you'd take the sawed off flathead shovel and you'd gather it up and you'd pour it into a five gallon bucket. Once the five Gallon bucket was full. It was on a rope. And the dude who was standing up top would pull the bucket up. Now, of course, it was hotter than shit. You're sweating through your shirt, and the bucket would scrape along the edge while he was pulling it up. And you just get showered with little dust, pebbles and dirt. And then. So your job was either you go in the hole and you chip, or you pull the bucket up, in which case you got a rest while the other guy was chipping. But then you'd pull the bucket up and you'd have to walk the bucket out to the side and then walk up the cement stairs to get up to the street level and then walk a little bit up the hill and dump it in a dumpster and then come back down while the other guy was chipping, chipping away. And my. My foreman was such Mike. He'd come every once in a while. He'd, like, walk past you and he'd go, hey, no talking. I remember, like, thinking, really, no talking.

[Larry Miller]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because he's a dick. Because you guys don't understand. Like, real blue collar dicks. Like, real blue collar dicks are the guys, like, Greg grew up with, like, dear cats. Like, why? Because he can, right? Because he's the foreman and you're a goomper and you're gonna get punished. I mean, he's a guy. He literally. He's a guy who said, go to my. Hey, go to my truck. Go get my level. I was like, okay. I start walking out and he goes, run. And I had to run.

[Mike August]

I mean, was there that much competition for the jobs? If you walked off?

[Adam Carolla]

It was the job. It was 1983, 1984. The market was shit. Nobody was hiring. Believe me. I tried to get jobs, like, at supermarkets and stuff. We couldn't, like, fill out applications and things, you know, we didn't have. We were an educated. Couldn't do a. Like, we'll get a job as a waiter or something. We didn't know how to write or, like, interact or make a point of tie or any. We couldn't do any of that shit. So everything had to be just sort of go, roll up your sleeves and pick up a shovel and go over there. And that was it. I needed the job. There's nothing I could do about it. I didn't know anybody who owned a furniture store that I could work at or anything. And it was like, we just sucked it up. Like, that was it. Get in the hole.

[Larry Miller]

If any one of us did that job for one day or dug ditches for 10 hours. One day it would be burned into our memories.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird because that would be my story.

[Mike August]

At cocktail party.

[Adam Carolla]

You think about, you think about doing it. You think about like, yeah, okay, I'm going to go out in the backyard and plant a dwarf avocado tree and I'm going to dig. But I'll be digging for 20 minutes when you dig for 10 hours. And we did, we did 50 hours, 60 hours a week. We just dug. That's, that's all we do. And you'd know when you were driving in, especially like when the weather was like this, like, oh, all we're doing is digging today. Like there are no tools. One time I, after about three weeks of, of digging, I showed up. It's a weird job to start on, but I just showed up and it was dig, dig and more digging. One, one time I just showed up, I went to like whatever the Home Depot equivalent of it would have been, contractor's warehouse in like North Hollywood. And I took my paycheck and I went, I'm going to get a circular saw, like a worm drive high point skill saw. I'm going to get leather tool bags. I'll get a four in one screwdriver. I'll get a tape measure. I'll get all that stuff. And I showed up on Monday and I had all my tools and I was like, hey fellas, look at me, I got tools so maybe I can get in the house and work on the molding or something with, with you guys. And I like put my tool bags on. And the guy Mike was like, hey, nice tools. I'm like, yeah, what do you think? He's like, I think you should take them off and get in the fucking hole. Took the bags off and climbed back into the hole. Like, I don't know how that's going to help you when you're digging. And that was it. Funny, I ran into that dude, the guy, he was on pain meds. He was a voice vet who worked on a mine sweep in Vietnam. That's who I was dealing with.

[Teresa Strasser]

Cheerful.

[Adam Carolla]

And I went, I did a standup show three years ago and some 65 year old woman came up to me and went, I'm Mike's ex wife. I don't know how you dealt with that guy, because I couldn't. And I was like, he would get all the goompers together before the laborers like on Monday and he'd just go, hey, look, here's how it's going to work before this week is done. One of you is going to quit. That's how it's going to work. So I'm just going to ride the shit out of you, and then one of you is just going to ask to quit.

[Larry Miller]

You're not going to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how we're going to do this. And it's like, Jesus Christ, man.

[Mike August]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember once, real specifically, his no, no morale booster, his no talking thing. We were sitting in, we were doing repointing work. Repointing work is when all these old brick warehouses in East LA and whatever, all the brick, all the mortar starts to crumble and decompose in between them. And you could imagine, you could push stuff over. Like when you have a chimney and all the mortar goes bad, you can literally just push it. You could take brick by brick, take it apart by hand. Like, I've done that before. It falls apart. So what you have to do is you have to grind. Grind out 3 inches of mortar, an inch and a half of mortar, and then pack more type S mortar into it. It's called repointing. You get a pointing tool, a tuck trowel, a hawk. Not the mean kind of hawk, the kind that holds the mortar. And you hold this thing up and you tuck it in and it's relentless. Like, you just look at a whole facade of a huge warehouse and someone goes, we gotta repoint this whole thing. So get started. And you just stare. So you spent when you get to the top. I remember we got to the top and once in a while there'd be a cool guy who'd be on the job site. Like a guy went to college, but he still, he likes surfing. And he's just one of those dudes, like, lives in Topanga and me and this other guy, and we're just sitting on the scaffolding, working about 8ft off the ground, feet hanging off the end, just pushed up against the wall with our hawks, just repointing. He was, you know, five feet that way. I was over here and just. It's endless. It's an endless amount of stuffing this stuff in. No radio, no earbuds, no cell phones, no anything. Just sitting and tucking. And he's just sitting. And so it's like we're sitting. It's like you're sitting on a park bench eight feet above the ground, holding this heavy hawk and tucking. And he's the nicest guy in the world. And so we're talking, we're laughing. I'm me, I'm talking, I'm telling jokes or whatever. Mike Walks by, no talking. But it's like this weird position of like, how you doing? Like, where's Mike? He's out at his truck. Okay, we're gonna exchange an idea. Yeah, well, we weren't stopping or doing anything, which is.

[Mike August]

I lived in Newport, Rhode island one summer and I was a banquet waiter and we would serve lobster to everybody. But in banquet waiting, you always make 10% more food than are the people there, just because you never want to get caught. So we would serve and it was a lot of hot chicks. It was all college kids. And afterwards, we would each gorge ourselves on lobsters. But then the boss, this fucking douche, wouldn't let us drink the top shelf liquor. We could only have beer and wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I. Oh, the heartbreak.

[Mike August]

So we would serve the lobster and then we would have like an hour and a half break and we're sitting there with fucking Coors Light to go with our lobster.

[Adam Carolla]

Brutal. Brutal. I feel embarrassed. I even told my. It was crazy.

[Mike August]

I mean, and if you wanted to fool around with a girl, there was a linen room that you could go into. But then after a while, they said we couldn't go in the linen room anymore. To get hand jobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. To fuck outside like animals.

[Mike August]

Like animals.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. What? I say, embarrassed. I'm thinking about my stories about digging a footing with a coffee can. I feel. I feel stupid.

[Mike August]

No, it was crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's take a quick break.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Carolla show 2150. Coming up next, we have Adam Carilla show 354, Missy Suicide, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop, July of 2010. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

From the International news Center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strauss.

[Gina Grad]

A 66 year old Indian woman has become the oldest person in the world to give birth to triplets after IVF treatment at a controversial center. Yeah, but Terry, Debbie, Brian and I.

[Adam Carolla]

Are going to beat that in a few years. We're both just waiting, just biding our time.

[Gina Grad]

Gave birth to two boys and a girl who are now being treated in intensive care. After being born underweight, she received IVF treatment at the National Fertility center center where the world's oldest mother, Rajo Debbie Lohan, was also treated. Mrs. Lohan, 72, gave birth 18 months ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And now, by the way, she's revealed she's dying.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, here's how you know you're too old to have kids when it's time to breastfeed. And your kids, like, yuck.

[Gina Grad]

They Learn how to speak incredibly early just to tell you it's gross.

[Adam Carolla]

Your baby girl. Gross. Somebody give me.

[Gina Grad]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Any formula? I'm fine with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I drink out of carton. You got what they call that? Pet milk.

[Gina Grad]

That's fine too.

[Adam Carolla]

Can opener? Yeah, I'm cool.

[Gina Grad]

Got some insurer. I know that's usually for old people.

[Adam Carolla]

How about that evaporated milk? I don't know why we have to evaporate it, but let's evaporate some and I'll go ahead and eat some of that. She's 72.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. So a 66 year old woman had triplets, right? She got the record for triplets. Yeah, she got the record. But at the same time center that treated her, treated this woman, Mrs. Lohan. She gave birth 18 months ago and she's. She's revealed that she's dying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Brian and I are going after that record too few years. Just wait, my pretty. Just wait.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, and now she's angry at the center for not explaining the risks to women about having babies later in life.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

She's dying? I guess they, you know, they fuck around with your hormones. Probably not that great for you when you're 70.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, hold on a second. By the way, we're looking at a picture of this woman. She does not look happy about these triplets at all. Although I do think there's people from other countries. You guys, tell me if I'm on to something here. We learned at some point in this country's history that it's good to smile for the camera. Like the earliest effort were not nobody was having a party.

[Gina Grad]

I mean like, yeah, everyone looks bummed out, but they just didn't smile for photos. I think maybe the exposure was longer.

[Adam Carolla]

Exposures longer. And the bad teeth didn't help either. But even when they got that stuff worked out like shit from our grandparents, you know, from back in the day, you know, Philadelphia, up on the roof at the wedding, you know, 1957, Grandma Carolla was not the life of the fucking party. She always looked pissed off. I mean, there's never any woohoo or. Yeah, you know, how about a Winger, you know what I mean? Come on, grandma.

[Gina Grad]

A Winger.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the shirt off. Oh, you know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Your grandma to flash.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not my grandma, but she's got friends. I'm saying she was 29, you know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, she was a grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

Smile on your goddamn face, right?

[Gina Grad]

Have a good time. Live it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Party. So all I'm saying is this. We at a certain Point somebody realized, come on, live it up a little bit.

[Gina Grad]

Don't look dour.

[Adam Carolla]

Somewhere in the 60s, someone went, take a picture, smile on your face, live it up. Right. All right. I say in a lot of countries around the world, I don't think they've quite got that message. Guys try to look really serious. Chicks look kind of put off, you know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She looks pissed that she's having these kids.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe they think we look cheesy because we're always smiling these big smiles with our big white teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they think that we, we're proudly, we're fools. You know what I mean? Like, I think guys especially, it's my, you know, it's the guys with the beards. You know, they try to. There's a certain like guys, males try to look like males and the adults try to look like adults.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, not a George Jetson beard. A beard beard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Real beard. No, what I'm saying is, is they have guys like we have. We have guys like Mark Cuban, looks like a 19 year old frat boy. He's a millionaire adult who owns a professional franchise and a jet, but yet he's wearing like cargo shorts and you know, he's wearing short sleeve shirts. He's laughing. Up in other countries he would look like a guy who had money. Right. Anyway, he took pictures, he'd have a serious look on his face. Right. You know, are sort of these guys that, these, these sort of captains of industry back in the day, you know, they just had a very serious like, I'm a rich guy, have a rich guy look. I have a rich guy mustache, have a rich guy top hat. Now we have Old Navy and guys yucking it up. That's all I'm saying. I think they're a little more throwback that way. Maybe they're right.

[Gina Grad]

That's the way we should be.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think our sons are going to see a bunch of pictures of us looking like jack offs when they're older?

[Gina Grad]

No, they don't want to see. Or do they want to see their moms given the Winger.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's my point. That's my point. They don't want to see some bar like Havasu with mom like doing a jello shot. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. You want to imagine that your mom was wholesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

And a virgin until she conceived you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just not, not even that part, but even. I mean. Yes, that part. But also just a part where your mom's not partying. Like how you supposed to Tell your kid, oh, hey, put that beer down. When I got pictures of you doing jello shots in Havasu.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, tell me more about how I shouldn't drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. So anyway. Yeah, Mom's looking pretty dour.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, that's got to be a tough experience, carrying triplets. 66.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but they're out now.

[Gina Grad]

They're out now.

[Adam Carolla]

Laugh it up, bitch. That's all I'm saying. And then the other one thinks she's dying because.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, she thinks she's dying because of her fertility treatment.

[Adam Carolla]

Because they had to, like, stimulate her and get an egg out of her.

[Gina Grad]

I'm just guessing that. That they, you know, that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Do something.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I mean, I.

[Adam Carolla]

No free lunches in nature stuff would say. It's true.

[Gina Grad]

You're gonna pay later if you start messing around with your hormones. I mean, even the birth control pill, which I don't. I'd been on it, really, my whole adult life, and when I went off of it to get pregnant, I thought, wow, life's totally different off that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You are paying. You're paying for your awesome birth control.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me ask this.

[Gina Grad]

In sexual pleasure, I might add.

[Adam Carolla]

Try to figure this.

[Gina Grad]

Go off the pill. It's a lot more fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I had no idea how to make it off the pill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Get your wives off the pill.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say. Can I say this the. The gal here who's 70, 72. Don't you. You still got eggs at 72? They just stop dropping. Like, what's up? God.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, maybe if they give you a bunch of hormones, they can get one to drop. Or maybe they go in and get one. Or maybe they implant one for somebody else's egg.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's what they do.

[Gina Grad]

They gotta use another donor egg.

[Adam Carolla]

Your eggs are powdered like the military food by then, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a C ration. In your C heavy, I get the big box. Yeah. So they must have implanted an egg in her. There's no way she got. She got one of her original eggs.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. The story doesn't go into detail about how they got this woman pregnant.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but should they.

[Gina Grad]

But obviously they went to extreme measures.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They shouldn't be monkeying.

[Gina Grad]

Look, monkey around when somebody's 45. But maybe 60.

[Adam Carolla]

65 or 72.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Or so. Yeah, she was. I think she was 70 when she got pregnant. Or, you know, who knows? Maybe the. Maybe this woman had a history of breast cancer or certain kind of things that Aren't helped by monkeying around with the hormones.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, it's all this Lyle Alzado bullshit, which is steroids gave him brain cancer and killed him. Meanwhile Bonaduce doing mornings in Philly. You know what I mean? Like, come on, if every guy who did. Who juiced in the 70s, a Schwarzenegger would be dead 10 times over.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, it's easy to mistake causality for. Or correlation for causality.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

You know, like these two things might have both happened, but one didn't cause the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you'll be glad to know that, Brian. I use you as a. As an example of a man who's lived an exemplary lifestyle and has a brain tumor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah, Lucky me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what I mean is you didn't sleep in a microwave or chain smoke, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

There's nothing point to point to live.

[Gina Grad]

Near three micro island.

[Adam Carolla]

But as adults and as like superstitious adults and especially as atheist adults, because this is our God. We're like too much processed food, perhaps. Would you eat out of plastic? What'd you do? You did something?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, the plastic. That was it. Did you drink a lot of bottled water?

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Gina Grad]

So your mom gave you hot dogs and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

American cheese and breastfeeding?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Oh, breastfeeding.

[Adam Carolla]

Soda.

[Teresa Strasser]

Drank soda all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you didn't smoke, but did you ever know anyone who smoked?

[Teresa Strasser]

New people smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

You hung out with them?

[Teresa Strasser]

I have friends who smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they smoke.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were there?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I watched them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Oh, you watch. Well, there you go. Yeah. See, it's rough.

[Gina Grad]

And there were times you didn't exercise that much.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I felt lazy from time to time.

[Adam Carolla]

And to see all this is. Is a way for me to feel good about myself, like. Well, I didn't live that life. Exactly. So now I can sleep because I don't have to think about this. See, the idea that this randomly could happen to anyone at any time, even if they led a healthy lifestyle, scares the out of me. So I got to do something. How long did you live in that apartment by the. By the train tracks?

[Teresa Strasser]

Too long.

[Adam Carolla]

Too long probably. Evidently that was it.

[Gina Grad]

What, was there like asbestos tiles in your school?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you go to old school?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, very old old school, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The heating. The heating where they turn the heat on. Sometimes ducks. Yeah. Come right through the duck smells. Yeah. See, I went out here in la, we didn't. We didn't always warm, so we didn't open the window. Fresh air. Fresh air, yeah. Never drank Teflon. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Not having Explanations for things and having the universe be random and chaotic so.

[Adam Carolla]

Unpleasant people, the out and religious people can just go, you know, hey, God had a plan, but the atheists have to come up with something. And that is, well, fucking black mold.

[Gina Grad]

Black mold, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

That's why you have a lot of allergies and asthma.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna find people, and then I'll do this bullshit witch hunt where I find people lived in your old apartment. I go, you ever feel tired at night? Sometimes. Aha.

[Gina Grad]

Stomach problems.

[Adam Carolla]

But black mold, there we go.

[Gina Grad]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm gonna publish a report.

[Gina Grad]

Everyone in that building was affected.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna be on Oprah. Now move over, Jenny McCarthy. I got a theory, too.

[Gina Grad]

Is it half cocked?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course, of course. It's just. Shit happens. Some kids are autistic, some kids aren't autistic. And I don't believe everything just moves in a perfectly linear fashion. When you look at. It's like. It's like when a team goes, 5, 500, they don't win a game, lose a game, win a game, lose a game, win a game, lose a game. No, they lose eight games in a row, and then they win ten, and then they lose two in a row, and then they win five in a row. It's totally random. At the end of the season, they're 500. So if you wanted to go back and look at autism or look at whatever you want to look at, there's probably going to be years where that shit's just on the move, and then there's going to be years where it goes down, it goes. It's not a graph that just. It's not. Everything is just perfect and laid out. I don't believe we have answers for everything.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but even if you're completely, totally reasonable, if you had the choice to walk under the ladder or around it, wouldn't you just go around it just in case it was bad luck?

[Adam Carolla]

Baby. I'm the dude working on the ladder. Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Hold on your menorah and smoke it.

[Larry Miller]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

That's how we're gonna do things.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how we roll.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You worked religion into this conversation? Dude, I did. I'm just finishing what you started.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, he's working in. Well, here's a person who's probably not a Jew was involved in a crime, although it was at a library. We are the people of the book. Here's an arrest description. Naked with stolen cheese Darrell Bess, 52, was found standing completely nude in a bathroom at the Cincinnati Public Library. When police searched his bag, they found a four pound block block of cheese that had allegedly been stolen from a local marketplace. He also had two knives, some DVDs that belonged to another library branch along with the cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I gotta tell you, when you're living off, you're putting down like a couple of wheels a week, you're gonna be backed up and you're gonna spend a lot of time in the public library bathroom too. You know what I mean? That's double edged sword, that wheel of cheese, you know what I'm saying?

[Gina Grad]

Seems like a good idea. And you pay.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no free lunch, you got no bread, you got no dipping anything, you got no crackers, nothing to spread it around. You're not getting any. You're not getting any Triscuits or Wheat Thins pushing a little roughage through you. You really spent a lot of time on that commode in that bathroom in that Cincinnati library, you know.

[Gina Grad]

But why was he naked?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, again, you know, when your life is just about trying to shit out a cheese wheel, you don't got time for pants, is there?

[Gina Grad]

And he had DVDs from another brand, so apparently he made the round.

[Adam Carolla]

Why they have DVDs now?

[Gina Grad]

Oh yeah, they do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh Jesus, shit. Can't you get DVD for 99 cents now? Like, what's up?

[Gina Grad]

There are poor people.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just thinking that's. I was always poor. And listen, here's what I know. I know that again my drug addict theory. There are people that are homeless and they're on the streets and they have a $200 a day cocaine habit and they managed to feed it for five years. How do you feed a $200 a day habit? When you're jobless and homeless and whatever, you fucking figure out a way.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, there's nobody more hard working than a junkie.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody fucking works it like a junkie.

[Gina Grad]

Oh my God, they have to hustle so hard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, that's right. So here's the thing. There's really and the time. I'm telling you because the Corollas, my dad famously would rent records from the library. Check out records from the library. My dad did that and just getting records and here he is just hey, I'm listening to a little buddy guy here. And it's like it's all scratched up. I mean, you could imagine the books are barely in readable condition. Imagine something as delicate as a record, you know, What? I mean, this thing being passed around for 30 years because my dad is getting like stan Kenton from 1951, you know, so here it is, 1978. Well, that shit's been on the shelf for 30 years now. Holy shit, it's warped. It's skipping. It's a disaster. And here's what I would argue, the amount of effort involved with going, I'm going to the library. I'm parking the car, I'm going in, I'm finding the album, I'm going to check out. Not the one I want, but one that's close enough. I wanted a little Dionne Warwick and I got the Fifth Dimension instead. Close enough. Take that, check it out, bring it back, go in the house, do it. And then have to bundle it back up and take it back in two weeks. Otherwise I'm gonna get charged a nickel. Could have just bought the fucking Dionne Warwick at that point. Yes. With the calories burned. And then just. What about what it does to your humanity? Hey, I'm a 41 year old dude. I'm waiting in line with a bunch of school kids.

[Gina Grad]

That's depressing.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you've arrived. Oh, I'm surprised he wasn't being blown before he even made it to the parking lot. A lot of hot groupies wanting to be around a guy checking a record out. And what. What did a record cost back then? What's this thing cost? And you can't record it? It's not like my dad. Like, it'd be one thing if he had a plan. Like, you know what? I'm gonna check out 10 records at a time. I got this 90 minute max elf cassette thing. I'm gonna make something. I'm gonna make the best of Stan Kenton and Dionne Warwick. And I'm gonna have it. Then I'll return it all and I'll have a free.

[Gina Grad]

I like the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

I'll record it and then I can listen to it anytime I want. I'll never have to go back to the library, rent it it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Love this song.

[Gina Grad]

She did have a great voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Great nostrils. Great voice. And it's a good song.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you want it with Barry?

[Teresa Strasser]

Written by the Bee Gees.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, but isn't it. She's. They're singing background, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, they did like the original demo.

[Adam Carolla]

And sold to her. And like, you know, you've had a long career when this is one of your newer hits from 1986. You know what I mean? This is like. Like when she says now, something from the new album. She goes, 1986. I turn it up, we got a rap burnt bachelor.

[Gina Grad]

It's too bad she had to go the psychic network route and kind of make a joke out of herself, because she really, truly was a great singer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. I mean, do you know the way to San Jose? Obviously, she knew, but because she was working with a psychic.

[Gina Grad]

No, it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

The original Garmin gps.

[Gina Grad]

Brian knows when he's from around there.

[Dawson]

Oh, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Falsetto's a little pitchy here.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a. I mean, Adam. Oh, my. Yeah, she's a. She's. Oh, wait, here. Here's where it. Here's where it gets very 80s here. It jumps like it's. It's sounding sort of a little timeless at some point, but it gets very 80s when the. When this comes in. Maybe my dad knew what he was doing.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, this is good.

[Adam Carolla]

This is good stuff. Popology.

[Gina Grad]

Sorry about that whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Mash it up with Pops Corolla. Yeah. Hello. Yes. All right, here's where it goes 80s, right? Yeah. But she goes. She goes up an octave here. This is where she really kicks it. Mash it up with dad again. Was top water.

[Gina Grad]

Your dad is just going to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello. I swear to God, I think I was driving home from Vegas after my girlfriend. My girlfriend dumped me, and I was.

[Brian Bishop]

Listening to this song.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like tears pouring down my eyes. It was like, have you ever seen the movie Mad, Mad, Mad World? I was like, Dick Sean going, I'm coming, mama. I'm coming, mama. Otherwise you have to be a hard breaker. You. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to be caught out in Baker feeling a little bit moody. And after losing your last 80 bucks playing a 21 drop, driving home alone from Vegas. This song popped. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Tell me you didn't have air in your car.

[Adam Carolla]

No. If I say I'm in my car and I say, you know, it's.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no air in the car. There's an atmosphere.

[Gina Grad]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, great.

[Gina Grad]

You just dumped. You're listening to Dionne Warwick. It's summer in. In the desert.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. This thing came on the radar when I almost drove off the road.

[Gina Grad]

You were by yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Just almost drove into the bun boink. Ended it all.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God. Right in the big thermometer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's gonna crash in a few thermometer.

[Gina Grad]

Just don't take out the mad Greek. Is that over there?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, yeah. Because everyone loves a. A $26 falafel.

[Gina Grad]

I know it's pricey. It looks like it would be cheap.

[Teresa Strasser]

He is mad.

[Gina Grad]

So he's so mad. Mad at us for stopping at his place.

[Adam Carolla]

Drive another 200 miles and enjoy a reasonably priced falafel, huh? Next.

[Gina Grad]

Like you got other options for philosophy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. They fucking know they have you over a goddamn barrel at the Mad Greek.

[Gina Grad]

They can charge anything.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really. It's like. It's like popcorn at the theater.

[Gina Grad]

What are you gonna do, pay $72 for a tub?

[Adam Carolla]

Go pop your own?

[Teresa Strasser]

He's cornered the market on high desert Greek food.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. But you know what? He is a dude. I mean, this is one of these things, if you think about it. If you drive to Vegas, halfway to Vegas, there's this Greek place, and it's the Mad Greek or the Great Greek or whatever it is. The Mad Greek. And it's a good example. I'm going to drive my kids there and I'm going to say to them one day, I'm going to say, hey, Sunny. And she'll go in Italian. I'll go, yeah, sorry. Now listen, here's what I want to say. This Greek food in the middle of the fucking desert, right? And I go, yeah. I go, what percentage of people driving past this thing on their way to Vegas, by the way, are into Greek food? And my son's going to go, I don't know, 25%. I'm going now, 10%. But guess what percentage of that 10% he gets. 100%. And that's all he needs to laugh. All the way to the great Greek bank. You know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Tomorrow's lesson, split pea soup.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, bealty.

[Adam Carolla]

And now to bul and split, you know what I mean? Because there's a million burger places all the way down the. All the way down the highway. But you got to have arguments. You get a car with four guys like Wendy's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're doing Carl's Jr. No, no, no. We're doing in and out. No, no, you're getting that thing. But Greek, there could be no argument. Smaller pool, but you get 100% of them.

[Gina Grad]

I want to go to passive aggressive Greek. I don't want to go mad. It's only a hundred more miles. And it's. Falafel is better.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you got another story. I know we're talking about. Oh, yeah, cheese.

[Gina Grad]

Cheese. Man stole some cheese. And now on to a story about unicorn meat. Yeah. Website called Think Greek.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I named my penis.

[Gina Grad]

Unicorn meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Cause it has a horn or it doesn't exist, or girls like it. Little girls like it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a conversation starter.

[Gina Grad]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Know what I mean? Like, let's say we're at a bar, right? Hey, what's your name?

[Gina Grad]

I'm Theresa.

[Dawson]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Want to know what my penis's name is? Not really unicorn meat. Thanks for asking. How about another round?

[Gina Grad]

You make me uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know why it's called unicorn meat?

[Gina Grad]

I really, please.

[Adam Carolla]

It's rarely seen in the wild.

[Gina Grad]

Okay. That's my boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

You see that?

[Gina Grad]

See that tall guy over there?

[Adam Carolla]

Sweetie, who you kidding?

[Gina Grad]

That's my. Really? Seriously. That's my boy.

[Adam Carolla]

I sized you up when you're coming in.

[Gina Grad]

He doesn't take kindly to people by.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy's the bouncer boyfriend. Had one of those clicker things that tell us how many people are in the club.

[Gina Grad]

I'm talking to my friend.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. No, no, no. You know, you want the unicorn bee, now beg for it. Come on. I'll get you Jameson's.

[Gina Grad]

Ooh, I'm in.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I'm in. I might have a half a Vicodin rolling around my sofa. Yeah, you look for it. I'll get behind you.

[Gina Grad]

Jeez. I put out for less. A website called ThinkGeek sells gag gifts, but now they're in trouble over their candy unicorn meat, which I think is actually kind of a funny gag gift. It sort of looks like spam, it's got a little rainbow, and it's called the unicorn meat. But they have a tagline, pate is passe unicorn, the new white meat. And the National Pork Board didn't think it was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought those ACLU guys were. I mean, I thought the NAACP guys were pissed again over the black hole.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah, yeah. They were upset about the greeting card. They thought it said black whore.

[Adam Carolla]

Carl Sagan would be so proud. Yeah. So who's pissed?

[Gina Grad]

The National Pork Board.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the other white meat, Good name for teas.

[Gina Grad]

V. It's not kosher. The other white meat is pork's thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And so they didn't want it there. They didn't want it to be part of this gag gift marketing campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but listen, you gotta understand, you come up with the other white meat, and it becomes a punchline to a lot of jokes. It's sort of like, can I buy a vowel? Remember when comedians were doing that all through, like, the 80s and 90s? Hey, you gotta buy Val. Everyone laugh it up. It's the other white meat was always like sort of look, when you launch, when you launch something, you have to be, you have to expect that this is what's going to happen.

[Gina Grad]

Well, they were hit with a cease and desist, these think geek people with their unicorn meet gag gift. So they issued an apology. I think you'll like it. Sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of passive aggressive, dear pig killers.

[Gina Grad]

We'D like to publicly apologize to the National Pork Board for the confusion over unicorn and pork and for their awkward extended pause on the phone after we had explained our unicorn meat doesn't actually exist. It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn. In fact, think geeks, canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity.

[Adam Carolla]

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a plaster mold of some vomit. Good day. And by the way, Bert, how's that cat coming? Thank you. Good day.

[Dawson]

I said good day.

[Gina Grad]

What do you call your penis again?

[Adam Carolla]

Unicorn meat. Unicorn meat, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So is there a difference between a spin off and a sequel? And why does that matter to Michael Douglas?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I heard about this.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he's got a lot of money riding on the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Gecko.

[Gina Grad]

Well, his ex wife wants a piece of his Wall street money. Deandra Douglas is taking the actor is taking the actor to court because as part of their 2000 divorce settlement, Michael agreed to pay her earnings from projects he worked on during their 20 year marriage, including in possible spin offs since the upcoming Wall Street 2. Money Never Sleeps is a sequel to the 1987 hit she's demanding 50% of his paycheck and royalties from the new film. Now his lawyers insisting that a sequel is not the same thing as a spin off. So stay out of our pockets, huh? A judge has yet to rule.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know what she got. I heard she got like $45 million or something insane.

[Gina Grad]

But he got Catherine Zeta Jones, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So where everything's cool, let's, let's move on. Call to life, you know what I mean? I mean, I know there's a punitive part of most of this stuff and then I also know once you gear up with lawyers, they're just the world's shittiest bug in your ear. It's like they're, it's like if you had the devil on both shoulders, you don't even have that fucking guy playing the harp trying to tell you what the rights thing to do is. I, you know, I don't even blame half these people. There's some ambulance chasers like, you know, you're entitled to, you know, and meanwhile, they're going to be entitled to 20% or whatever the fuck they get her. So they just put that bug. And then they just keep working it. And then they do, you know, then when she says, well, I'm fine. Well, you're fine, but how about your kids? And what if. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And before you know it, they're just fucking doing it.

[Gina Grad]

You know, we need a Canadian judges.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Just reasonable, like, you know what? Look, let's not fuck around. Obviously this Wall street thing is related to the other Wall street thing, so don't be an asshole. But 50% is a lot. So why don't you just pay her 25% and let's all go home.

[Adam Carolla]

Or 10%, because you got $45 million the first time.

[Gina Grad]

How much money do you need?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you go through the first 45 million in eight years?

[Gina Grad]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Cool.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Come back to court when you're down to 12 million.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what. I'll give you one hour to write, round up three people that are doing better than you out of this.

[Gina Grad]

One hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, One hour outside of this courtroom. You can't point at Michael, and you can't point at your attorney.

[Gina Grad]

Not really.

[Adam Carolla]

One hour to fucking just run out in the streets of Los Angeles, find three people are doing better than you. Go. And if you can't do it, I'll give you 10% because that means you don't really have problems.

[Gina Grad]

Definitely punitive. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's. Well, look, I'm sure. Sure she's. She's pissed, and I'm sure she's bitter about. And also, Catherine Zeta Jones is so hot that it's like you have to, you know, like if you're. If you're the jilted husband, you know, wife, like, you gotta go, that bitch stole my man. What the fuck is. And then someone shows you a picture of Catherine Zeta Jones and you're like, wonder if I could eat his pussy. Eat her pussy while she was blowing him. Maybe I could make himself useful. I guess he. Right. He's right. She's hot. What are you gonna do? She's from where? What's her accent?

[Gina Grad]

Like, what, Wales?

[Adam Carolla]

She's classically trained, Shakespearean.

[Gina Grad]

A tap dancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Famous. I'm gonna kill myself an Oscar. Nah. Someone find me something sharp to fall on. Give me that swifter. I'm gonna sharpen the edge. I'll fall on it right now. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Not before I eat this gallon of ice cream.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, this would. I'll tell you why I don't go for this. This is going to set a precedent that's unprecedented. Like this too. Thank you. This means every divorce from now on could just really be looked at like. Wait a minute. You know, I mean, I know they have a thing where any of your earnings we can. But this, this. Most actors who do sequels, I mean, how many many actors can say they did Harrison Ford? Hey, man, you're going off and doing Indiana Jones. What the fuck? It's been 25 years since we, you know, since we've knocked off here. But hey, that's a nice paycheck. And I was with you when you did the first Indiana Jones. I mean, and you agreed. I agreed to get part of creative. Whatever. I mean, this is going to open up a can of worms. Yes, that.

[Gina Grad]

Any sequel you do, but it's right there in their agreement.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not only. Not only that, but I don't know. Mute musicians, you know, I don't know what happens when the best of album comes out in 10 years. Whatever. Well, it's a collection. You're reselling stuff that happened when I was around. I mean, the math of when I was around. I think you could do that. That's a Kevin Bacon, you know, Six degrees kind of thing. I mean, that's if you wanted to get creative. There's not much Michael Douglas could do that doesn't get back to her at some point. All right, well, anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Koller, show 354. So we have Adam Krolo, show 348. Larry Miller, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. This was from June of 2010.

[Gina Grad]

I say Larry Miller was in Valentine's Day and he was very funny. And when we IMDb'd him, it said like over 60 sized baggage clerk. And I took offense at that. Larry Miller's not oversized.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. I mean, he's just a baggage. Have a seat, Larry. Good to see you. Hi.

[Gina Grad]

Larry, you are so funny in Valentine's Day.

[Dawson]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

He has a whole funny scene and then he's credited as oversized baggage.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you know what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the.

[Dawson]

The thing is not right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Jimmy Kimmel once got called the beefy Bob Crane. That's not fair to Bob or Jimmy me. They both should be pissed at that. I don't think Bob Crane's excited about this. Flip it around that way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so weird. By the way, I just want to say that when you're just talking about Jorgen van Der Sloot before. I have a quick perspective on that that I don't think anyone else brings up. But I bet you Brian understands it, which is that every time he kills someone else and comes on the news again, all I think is you're wasting a full head of hair. You have such a nice head of hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you can cut it short.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there's not even one missing. Why are you killing people when you could just go through life with a.

[Gina Grad]

Full head of hair?

[Adam Carolla]

What's hair? And like a full wallet and a full penis. I mean, what a fucking life that. I mean, I. I don't know. I wouldn't. He's a. I don't know what to call him. But he comes from some money. He seems to always be a casino somewhere. In an international casino, you know, he's not one of these ones in the desert or something and it's run by Indians. He's not in commerce, he's in real casinos. You know, it's not like Larry Flint's pictures. Not on the front of these things. That's right. The real fucking casino, they don't have bicycles on the front of them. They're not playing. Like they should line up. Poker, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry, no pie Gow. That one always amazes me. But they should line up. Serial killers should call him and say, look, we. We dig the whole killing thing, but you have to stop.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're rich, you have a full head of hair. You're slender. You know, everything's working.

[Gina Grad]

And look at all the traveling. He kills a girl in Aruba. He kills a girl in Peru.

[Adam Carolla]

Allegedly, most of these guys faces are pockmarked and they're merchant marines who can't hitch onto a ship. And they're fucking floating in and out of flop houses. And the prison is literally a lateral move for them. It's a fucking lateral move. This guy is leaving the roulette table to go into some of the shittiest prisons in the world, what the fuck?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I just can't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, the first time he was in a cell, I can't believe he didn't say to himself, okay, whatever thrill I got from killing her, right, I'm not going to do it again because I can't be in the cell again.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The other guys go to the cell and they think, well, I'm home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I mean, seriously, if you take a look at a lot of these guys life, and even. Even the. Even the Mansons like, you know, there were sort of living in squalor and a piece of dirt. I mean, they were hanging out with the Beach Boys and having a good time, but as far as text goes, it was sort of a lateral move. You're not shit. It's really down to where are you shitting. Are you shitting in a better place or not? And Vandersloot is shitting in a much worse place than he was shitting before, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No matter what our prisons are like or whatever country's prisons, Canada in prisons or Japan, England, I can't imagine that, that Peru is a step up in prison.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not a, not a, not a five star.

[Gina Grad]

It's a precipitous drop. I mean, he probably had a bidet, you know, doesn't seem like a bidet kind of guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he does.

[Gina Grad]

And then, then he's in a Peruvian prison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also he could actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But so what you're saying is he can, he could kiss the bidet goodbye, Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God. A chorus line reference.

[Adam Carolla]

I love you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I'd like to slap myself for good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Larry, Larry Miller, by the way, is doing a new show called Late Night Liars on the Game Show Network, which is Thursdays at 11pm you can, by the way, find out where Larry's [e-mail] and I'd like to do a little hypothetical question with you, Larry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't tell you how much I've missed it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's been a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't tell you how much people.

[Adam Carolla]

Are excellent at it on the road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say, I love the hyper hypotheticals.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we're going to give you one. And again, no wrong answers here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good. Because the, because frankly, my memory is that I felt bad when we did it because then I got judged suddenly and. But so you're saying that Judgment free zone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero, zero role.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's whatever I, whatever comes into my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like me saying, what kind of food are you in the mood for? And you say Thai food. I can't, I can't say you're wrong. I just ask you what food you're in the mood for. That's what you want to eat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's what I.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you eat.

[Gina Grad]

This is not an SAT question. That's right or wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, good. This is, this is a reasonable. Okay, good. So whatever it is, I'm fine.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's start with a classic. And then we'll get into some new ones. All right, this is recumbent bike guy. This is. The trip is from the Santa Monica Pier. Where are we going? To Florida? Yeah, that's right. Yes. All right. Yeah, go to Florida. All right, Brian, I'll figure this out. Oh, no, man.

[Gina Grad]

Jammed up.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're driving to Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Do you do it with the recumbent bike guy? This is, you know, the guy goes solo, rides are coming by. Interesting cat, this guy. You know what I mean? He's like enough energy to circumnavigate Griffith park nine times, but not enough to sit up. Really. You think about where this guy's heads at and he'll tell you it's, you know, 33% more efficient to be in this position. But you never see a guy leading the Tour de France in the yellow jersey in the recumbent high hands. High hands on the recumbent bike? Yeah, like a high hands and the marker flag. Yeah. He doesn't want to get that guy run over. That guy or the bossy female wedding.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Planner, you know, first of all, always the bossy female wedding planner.

[Adam Carolla]

Always.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I'll tell you why. First of all, the banner on the back of the recumbent bike guy and the high hands, I just couldn't, I just couldn't deal with him for more than a half mile or a mile. Because, because of the banner, because I think everyone would be looking at us and I couldn't, I couldn't be recumbent to always a bossy female wedding planner because that's so many stupid things in one sentence. I think they would actually cancel each other out.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, sorry. What happened there? Listen, I thought there were no, it's recumbent bike, I'll tell you thing. First off, there's no sexual tension between you and the recumbent bike guy. You have a beautiful wife. She's not going to appreciate you going cross country with a attractive 40ish wedding planner. Number one. Number two, recumbent bike guy is, doesn't have much personality, but he's a founder of knowledge as you guys cross the Ozarks or wherever your travels go along. He's giving you stories every, you know, he's giving you lots of tidbits. That guy's a guy whose head is packed with knowledge. Plus he knows a lot about rolling resistance and he's going to help you get better mileage. He's going to tell you stuff like keep the windows rolled up. We'll get another four miles a gallon on the highway and let me properly inflate the tire. So I'm sorry, Larry, you missed that first one. Let's not live in the past. Let's move on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's move on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pawn stars. Too much. It sounded like him.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Okay.

[Gina Grad]

That kind of started poorly for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

But. All right, here we go. Let's move forward. Wannabe professional wrestler. This is that guy who has this sort of shaved side of the head but still has the ponytail.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That look. That sort of wide mohawk with a. I don't understand that. If you're gonna go with the mohawk of the mall. If you're gonna. The ponytail, go the pony. What's that? Shave just the three inches above your ears on the side with the long ponytail.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So with that look, by the way. So this is a guy who would need binoculars to see low rent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that. That's. I couldn't. With the naked eye. Could not even see low rent. That's right. Wannabe professional wrestler. By the way, he's all of 181 pounds. Like, he's just way too small to be professional. Not enough creatine in the world for him to be professional wrestler. Or the chick that drives with the stuffed animals in the back window. She's got them all laid out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gotta be the wannabe professional. Gotta be the wannabe wrestler. Because I'm a wrestling fan. I take my kids to wrestling, and I appreciate that somebody tries so hard at something. Even though he may not be big enough, even though he may not be good enough, and even though he has the weight lower than low rent haircut. I cannot take stuffed animals in any situation either on the back bed stacked in a pyramid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or with the pillows where you want to say, you know what? I'll be honest. I'd like to spend the night with you, but I cannot look at that room.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I cannot do that. So I would always say wannabe professional wrestler.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm sorry. That's. Well, I'll tell you what. Everything's going great till you're going through New Mexico. And he wants to get a pint of old crow. And next thing you know, he starts getting violent. Oh. He starts talking about his stepdad molesting him. He starts having little fleas. Had some head trauma. He got hit with a folding chair earlier that day. And he starts going at you while you're driving.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's not just someone who's trying to achieve. He's actually nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's doing the backyard stuff, but he's Potentially poses a threat. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's like in cold blood. It's like Robert Blake in cold blood.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. Exactly what it is. All right. Oh for two. Let's just move forward.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't think. But you said there's no judging.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's move forward for it. You ready? All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No right and wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

But I thought this is. This is a Asian fingernail salon lady. Ah, we got a picture of her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Versus chiropractor who really thinks he can fix anything through straightening your spine. You know that guy, he told me a bunions. He tells you can give you an adjustment you have a headache. Adjustment. Tell you tell him your doctor said you needed glasses. He'll give you a job adjustment. Everything said you have a cavity or you need some root canal. He's gonna give you an adjustment that's going to straighten it all out. This is that guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is. This is easy. First of all, the whole world of nail stuff for women is repulsive to me. Ever since I. You started hearing about five years ago where they have germs from Jupiter there. You know, they're the germs that get in.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That they put a thing and they don't wash something. So anything. Never mind Eddie. The word Asian to that. I mean just anything in the world of nails I. I absolutely cannot deal with. So she's. She's out completely. It doesn't matter who you stack up after that. I just cannot take her.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah. That's incorrect. What would it be incorrect? It's what I think. Well, because you said whatever a choice. Because the chiropractor guy is going to talk your ear off all the way. She's not going to say a goddamn word the entire time. Plus. Plus she's a full hundred pounds lighter than this cat. So again there's a mileage factor. She's not gonna take up a lot of room in the front seat. She'll probably being subservient Asian, probably agree to sit in the back seat while you drive cross country. I never hear a word from. You'll get to play whatever. The chiropractor is gonna want to play some Yanni and some New Age. He's gonna try to turn you on. She's probably gonna try to get you into Kenny Chesney or something like that. Oh, you haven't heard? No, no, no. A lot of people make fun of him, but did they really take the time to listen to his album?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the right name for that.

[Dawson]

By the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

But no, this guy, pigeonhole him, listen to some chesney. Every five hours, though, just till we get out of Arizona, he's gonna drive you nuts, and he's gonna. And by the way, he's gonna judge. You're gonna pull through a sonic burger. You're gonna order, like, a double cheese with bacon. He's gonna just ask if they can just have tap water with a lemon wedge. You're not gonna be able to enjoy your cheese chili fries with this guy staring a hole in the back of your head.

[Gina Grad]

We'll do 45 minutes on the evils of gluten, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he's going to talk about how the human body and the bowel system is not made. We weren't designed to take gluten. It's like he'll take everything that's on your menu and explain to you why.

[Gina Grad]

Human beings were not intended to eat grains.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we can't process. I like when they tell you that you can't process something you've been eating your entire life.

[Gina Grad]

Cow milk.

[Adam Carolla]

Humans, you're not made to process it. It's poison.

[Gina Grad]

Poison?

[Adam Carolla]

It's arsenic. But by the way, after German soldiers should have kept a little capsule of cow milk in their cheeks they could bite on because they were captured by the resistance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The black pill in that bunker that Hitler took was actually cow milk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but. So wait a minute.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But after. After. No matter what you eat, after I have the chili cheese fries. If he's a good chiropractor, then he could touch, like, a nerve on the back of my knee and just straighten. My whole intestine would come shooting out.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't work. He doesn't work for free.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, he would charge for an adjustment, even on a road trip.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's just do one more and see if we can say salvage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel sad because each one, I've been wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you know, there are no wrong answers here, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then we're dealing with something.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you ready to move forward here? Well, I guess the past. Okay, let's. Let's forge ahead. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel I'm with friends.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I could take guy with six middle names, you know, and he can't even tell you. Just. Yeah, My name is Rob Johnson. No, no, no. It's like Rob McMaster, Hercules. You know, all that. At some point, there'll be name of a Civil War general that. That's just shoehorned into that lawn. Yes, hello. My name is Graham Wellington, the one thing I do miss about doing terrestrial radio is of retarded PSAs. I really do. That is my favorite part. Graham Wellington, he's the white guy wants to rent the apartment. Let's play some games. All right. The guy at the six middle names or the guy who still wears his concert laminates. That guy's got the laminates. You know, he's got that. So he's backstage at Buddha Khan when Chief Trick was there and he's going to let you know all about it. And then after he gets a little buzz on because kind of guy likes his beer at night. You know, when you're driving, driving straight through his. He'll go through all the laminates and he'll start at the one he's at the beginning and go right through him again. That's the eagles. That's a 1979. That's when Glenn Frey and you have to nod your head. That's when Fry had the 12 string and you have to. Oh, yeah, yeah, look, I wasn't in the fucking band. I didn't roadie for the band. I like when people talk about their shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah, that's when. That's when back was in his prime. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Well, he always answers quickly. Yes, I know, but you've got a few wrong answers.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, a couple wrong. So you want to think about this one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But this is. This one has to be right because. Because it will always be the guy with too many laminates. And here's why. I used to have a roommate who had a 14 year clump of lift tickets. And I am so impressed. Immune to that now. It was so stupid and so awful going through each one again. And though he felt so embarrassed, he used to buy beer. Now, as far as the guy with too many names go, I don't get. I've never gotten. Especially the, like the Spanish thing of, you know, the sending Hector. I just can't get that you want to say, let's just go with one. How about Bill? Anything at all. Just go with one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's this thing where you want to upgrade everybody's dad in the family and everyone who came before him. But once you name yourself after all of them, then you're not really honoring any of them. The honor is getting picked over all the other ones, not just being lumped in with the other 18 Mexican guys who you got named after.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The honor is having your friends being able to recognize you with one name.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Instead of having to prove to them that you were on the corner before.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What Cher's middle name. Who the fuck knows?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. Napoleon, Alex, Alexander, Caesar, Cher it all, by the way, that's one guy. That's an actual guy. So I would always say, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Know why, but I'm hungry now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I would always say, yeah. One had a salad, one had a.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice pastry drink made out of them. Salads and booze. After all these people, someone's gonna come up with a share.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, Barry, Marty used to do a line we said, that's why you'll never see something like a cheese Hitler, because there's something there.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but you know, it sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

A pull pot. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Doesn't that sound like something warm and Florida?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I would always choose. The point is, I was always choose the guy with too many names because it's dumb, but it's. No, I was only choose the laminate.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's too long. The bit went too long. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry. That's wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even I'd like to buzz it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm confused. All I know is it's wrong. Wow. I'm sorry, Larry. I'm really sorry. What's that? O for four. Yeah. You know what a great outing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would say. Oh, oh, for three with a quick dose of stupidity.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a great outing. But you know what, Larry? I know you, your. Your champion, your competitor, and you'll be right back on your horse. Next time we play this, should we try taking a couple phone calls? I'd love to. TC, any thing up there you like? 18 movies.

[Teresa Strasser]

Mine's four.

[Adam Carolla]

Four.

[Teresa Strasser]

Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm four for Teresa. Yeah, he. Jake. Yeah. What's going on? What's going on, Jake? Hey, I got a couple questions first. Well, first is kind of an idea going after the whole, you know that overnight documentary that you always talk about? Yeah, that's a great documentary. Yeah. Yeah, that. Troy Duffy. Well, I was thinking, hey, a good way to generate revenue for your website is a. To upload a ton of video content about you and yourself. Just have somebody follow you around with a camera and then just give. Put some ads on your website. I know there are a ton of people on the Corolla board and a ton of people that are like, just kind of like waiting for content from you. And the way easily that you can do it, just have somebody follow you around with a video camera. Just edit it really quick, quickly, and then throw it up online. It's it. Thank you, Jake. It's all coming. Donnie over here just got his Like Tricast or whatever. And soon as we get a couple of cameras and Donnie gets a free moment, we're gonna start streaming the show. So you'll be able to see this. Yeah. So don't worry, all that stuff's coming. Next comment, please. I'm thinking also, I mean, they can follow you home, they can follow you everywhere. Just upload everything you do. Get it? Next question. All right, Larry Miller. Larry Miller, we love you. And then secondly, why doesn't he do a bathing suit calendar and put that up online for all the nerds to buy to enter revenue for the website.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, first of all, don't.

[Gina Grad]

Play the old fashioned burlesque music.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and why is this? You bring up a good point, Jake. Why aren't there calendars with guys with low self esteem?

[Gina Grad]

You know what, a calendar with like a seven and a half?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, seriously, when you get the, the, you know, Sports Illustrated, let's face it, you're not getting. You're never getting those girls.

[Gina Grad]

I'm accessible.

[Teresa Strasser]

Perfect six.

[Gina Grad]

Perfect six.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you realize how many people on the Corolla boards watch to a Mary. T was that. She's their dream girl. I mean, it's. I mean, we're. It's just unbelievable. T, you're amazing. We love you, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you. I'm so flattered. I love my nerd fans.

[Adam Carolla]

Super. Very attractive for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

We pay upwards of $20 a piece for a calendar. I'll tell you what, for that, it'll be one of those 13 month calendar calendars which I always enjoy. And by the way, you can't just go back to January. I want you to make up a month when you go with the.

[Gina Grad]

No, I'm gonna feel so bad when this brings in $42 in revenue.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, regardless, it's money for the show, right?

[Gina Grad]

That's true. Now, do you want me in a swimsuit or like some kind of, you know, theme?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, let's do that thing where it's like where they get a bunch of like animal furs and like have them covering private parts and, you know, it'll be different. Tell you what you do. It's like, it depends what the. What the. You know, in the winter you're in a hot tub with snow around you. In the summer, it's a beach volleyball thing. You know, it's always sort of thematic, depending on what month is.

[Gina Grad]

What about December? What am I doing for Hanukkah?

[Adam Carolla]

You have a menorah out. And it's strategically covering your nipples and crotch. Your base is covering your crotch. We have a dreidel.

[Gina Grad]

My two dreidels over each nip.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. But by the way, hanging from past.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Apparently the miracle would be that you have eight nipples.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, it's only supposed to last for two. Well, Jake, God bless you and anyone who's ever posted anything like that. That's truly flattering. I'm not just saying that. It really is.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Duva Duvall? Yeah, that's me. What's going on, Duvall? How are you? It's a. It's an honor to finally be able to be on this show. Questions for you? Thanks for calling in. Yeah, go ahead. First off, I had a complaint that I think you might share me with about the A Team movie remake. Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was a huge fan of the old show.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm only 23, but, you know, I caught the old syndicated episodes. I thought that the remake was kind of a atrocious homage to the old show. And I was wondering what you thought about that. Well, I've not seen it yet. I intend on seeing it. It. I should probably get Bill Simmons to see it with me. He's my friend. You know how you have that one friend who will see shitty movies?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Dear online diary, gonna go see the 18 with Ace, man. Go past. Yeah. So I have. Bill Simmons is the friend I can get to see. I can't get Jimmy to see shitty movies. I can't get Kevin Hanch to see shitty movies. They actually recognize shitty movies as shitty movies and don't want to be part of it. No, I like. I like a shitty movie. But I think what you're saying, what happened with the A Team is all these shows had a camp factor to them. And then when they do the theatrical version of them, they get all edgy and hard. Hard nosed. And there's killing and violence.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, I just can't understand. First of all, I have to say I haven't seen it either yet. I probably won't till it comes on cable. But I can't understand. For the billboard, I'm going to call it the Shave Team. Did all four guys not shave? Did they have to have. Did no one catch that in the publicity? Is there nothing that way? It's all the exact same picture, the rough and tumble. So, yes, I get it. By the second picture, you want to say I get it. Very rough and tumble. I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In the first one, only Mr. T had the thing and it had a sense of humor about itself, and it was.

[Gina Grad]

It was not violent like the movie, apparently, because that's why Mr. T is against the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Every. Everybody walked away. And by the way, Mr. T, first off, he's not known. It's. It's not like he's not the Mr. T from the. The Bloody Mary mix. He's Mr. T the bouncer. He's Mr. T, the bodyguard. He's made his living punching people in the face. Yeah, it's Clubber Lang. So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, I have a history of seeing bad movies too. And the reason I love to see them too, it's a lot, because. Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

And Marvel. Martin Short has never looked worse. He's in the lower right hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you know what? When it comes to bad movies, like everyone else out there, I've seen Godfather 50 times. I've seen Godfather 2100 times, but I've seen Godfather 3 a thousand times. Because each time it comes on TV, I keep thinking to myself, it can't be this bad. I must be watching it wrong. I have to give it one more try. I have to try again. Maybe this time, if I drink enough, if I eat enough enough, maybe it'll be terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

I am the same way with Kate Hudson movies. I just keep watching them over and over and hoping something will change at some point.

[Gina Grad]

I think you've been in one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I watched him for Larry Miller. Wait, which Kate Hudson movies?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was terrific. The. The.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't tell me I know this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I should know this, shouldn't I?

[Gina Grad]

You really should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was great. It was good movie too, by the way. She was terrific. Wait, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, for crying out loud. The.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. What? He played the one with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The one with the guy who played the minister. She goes out with Brian. Isn't this stupid?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This is horrible. And you were just in Valentine's Day. Did you say?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I am kind of waiting to see that too. I keep saying they keep advertising. It's coming up, but it's not on cable yet.

[Gina Grad]

You know, Julia Roberts has just a one. Really? Maybe. Maybe she's in the movie for six minutes. Yeah, and you really see why she's a movie star.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Gina Grad]

She truly is riveting, even just doing a simple scene.

[Adam Carolla]

So was. So is Face from the A Team, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

Bradley Cooper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he said it. Jesus Christ. This was our law that he has to be in every movie. By the way, he did Wedding Crashers, Right? And then I felt like he Took like four years off. Like, I. I just feel like he wasn't. I'm sure he was. Worked, but there wasn't a federal mandate that he be in every.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, the hangover mandate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right. Then three, four years later, the hangover came out, and now that's it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Minister.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, John.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's his name?

[Teresa Strasser]

A guy thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, that was. That was in that. That was. I played a minister in that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, this was.

[Gina Grad]

I want to say it's 10 things I hate about you, but it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was a good movie. Hudson can't be in that movie. That movie was good.

[Gina Grad]

She's a journalist and she has to prove that.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys, Matthew McConaughey. No, no, no.

[Teresa Strasser]

The worst part is I'm looking a list of Kate Hudson.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. What do you got?

[Teresa Strasser]

What's the worst that could happen?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I was in that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't this stupid? By the way, he's reading this and I thought, wait, that sounds familiar. No, wait, I was in it.

[Gina Grad]

Have you been in more than one Kate Hudson movie?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Hold on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hold your horses. Oh, this is so stupid. There's gonna be something, someone out there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not that movie. It's not the Kate Hudson movie you were in.

[Gina Grad]

There might be two. Do you just delete them from your memory immediately?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was great. It was fun. It was terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Plus, it's a movie. You get the free food and the hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, hat. And possibly a bath rub or a hoodie. A fleece coffee mug every time, by the way, a tote bag.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We love all this stuff. We all do. Whenever they give you a jacket, though, it's some kind of gorgeous jacket or like that buttons up or something. A nice, nice winter coat. But if it has the name on the thing, you feel like too big a tool to ever wear it, right? I have. I had 10 Arsenio hall bathrobes, right, from his show. They were the best bathrobes ever. And I sent eight to relatives. Nephew. And I used to send. Yeah, you know, here. Here's a nice arsenal because he had two. He had a black one with the. Where the. With on the pocket, it said, it's a night thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then there was a white one with a figure of like a. Wearing a suit with a finger pointing up, right? The best robes in history. And for whatever it's worth, this is now going to be 14 years later. I wear those robes every day to shave.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I love a good bathrobe. It's one of my sort of general like, even if you're poor, let's not be cheap. I mean, let's not punish yourself. Spend $100 on a nice thick, heavy terry cloth bathrobe and use it for the next 15 years. You're not going to wear it out. It's not like, oh, what happened to your bathrobe? Well, I was changing the clutch on the truck and tranny fluid got all over. No, you don't go anywhere. The furthest you'll go is the. You know. Really. I mean, maybe if you're black you'll buy a lottery ticket in it, maybe. But the farthest out a guy like Larry Miller. Miller would go would just be the end of the driveway to get a newspaper. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I won't even walk past the toilet in it. I won't wear it outside.

[Adam Carolla]

There.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no shower to shave.

[Adam Carolla]

There's my point. All right. Should we do a quick Germany or Florida? Yeah, I think we have one of those. Dawson, do you have that cooking? Yes, I do. All right, you want to play the intro? Let's see. Yes. Is this up? Story from let's play Germany or Florida. A German or Floridian student has been arrested after throwing a live puppy at a group of Hells Angels motorcycle gang members in what was assumed to be meant as an insulting gesture. According to German or Floridian police, the questionable canine toss came Shortly after the 26 year old student, whose name has not been released, had more blatantly offended the bikers were by dropping his pants toward the group who were congregating at a club. The student then escaped from the bikers on a bulldozer which had been stolen from a nearby construction site. Though officials believe he originally planned to drive it all the way to a major German or Floridian city. He later abandoned the bulldozer on a major thoroughfare resulting in a 5 kilometer or 3 mile traffic jam. Wow. The student, who has been known to suffer from depression and may have neglected to take his medication, was found by authorities at his nearby home where he was then apprehended.

[Teresa Strasser]

Racing Helen.

[Adam Carolla]

Raising Helen. That's it. That's it.

[Gina Grad]

That's it. Yes.

[Larry Miller]

That was good.

[Gina Grad]

I enjoyed it. Raising Helen. She has to take care of the.

[Adam Carolla]

The kids.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, the kids parent died.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you interrupting me?

[Gina Grad]

And then she learns how to be a grown up by raising the little girl they taught.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? It was an insane twist because for once the kids taught the adult a lesson that almost never happens in movies.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, Germany or Florida. Let's see. Wow. I like the cut of this guy's jib. It's like, what are you doing this afternoon? I'm gonna go with some Hell's Angels. I'm gonna throw a puppy at him. I'm gonna drop my pants and talk some shit. And then I'll commandeer Bulldozer and drive that back home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's so many parts of that that's wrong. I mean, is this death by biker? You know how people sometimes commit death by cop? So death by plus, how bad a group. If this was in Germany, was this a chapter of the Hell's Angels in Stuttgart or the Black Forest? Because they weren't good on the bikes if he's out running them in a bull bulldozer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What kind of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With these mopeds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right, because Bulldozer is good for eight miles an hour, and that's wide open. Yeah. That's interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In fact, a Panzer tank could go 12 miles an hour, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no. Probably a little bit better than that, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

I appreciate, though, the writing or the rewriting of the story to include kilometers or miles.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go Germany on this one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have to get Miss Florida because I just can't imagine Hell's Angels saying, you know, for vacation this year. Honey, what do you think? You know the San Francisco rally, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Sturgis or Stuttgart or the Black Forest or Hamburg. You see how you see alliteration there?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was trying to put where the rally was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, anyway, I'm going Florida. What about you?

[Gina Grad]

I'll go Germany.

[Adam Carolla]

Bryant.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was listening. I was looking up raising Helen. I'll say Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Florida. I got two Floridas. We got Bald Brian and. And. And. And Larry. And we have Germany. Teresa and I have Germany. The answer is Dudzeldorf. It happened in Allenhausen. Freak remains.

[Gina Grad]

It was the throwing puppies that tipped me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

I don't know. Floridians might be nuts, but do they throw puppies at bikes?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they rape them.

[Gina Grad]

They rape them, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Or they can. That's right. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Or they use them in a sex act. It's not, you know, the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Somebody is asking, will we ever bring back who the F sells this S?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

We don't have to use F and S now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Who the sells this? Which is us opening, like, the Penny Saver and finding the people that are selling, like, one plastic trash can lid. Craigslist, almost new with some damage to the right side.

[Gina Grad]

$4 will not take less than $4, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I'd be like toothpicks with cellophane on top. Used in club sandwich. Only twice a penny a piece. Like literally selling things that should either be donated or thrown away. My, my mom's the kind of person that would has like bought like a, you know, a Spade shovel for $4, you know, paid $9 new from Home Depot less than three years ago, like selling it for $4, that kind of thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There is some dignity to a garage sale. There's at least some dignity to that because you take your stuff right out of the garage, it's only 12ft away, right? You say maybe someone will buy the one napkin holder, right? And it's always a nickel to 80 cents, right?

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Someone will make a couple of bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

The part, my favorite part about the garage sale is when you. And the guy goes into the box, the mildewey cardboard box. He pulls out an eight track tape. It says, the best of Gary Lewis and the Playboys. This diamond ring shines for all. And he holds it up and he says, how much? And the guy says, 89 cents. And the guy rolls his eyes back and says, come on, come on, let's be honest, this is a 50 cent. And they start, they're in change, they're haggling about, they're under a dollar and the haggling has begun back and forth. He reaches down, he picks up a Best of Kansas. He holds that up, he says, okay, I'm a fair man. Like, you've already invested more time than the 40 cents. What's going on here? Afternoon is blown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or he says, or he says, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Wish I could, but I can't, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I like that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My dad used to, though there are people who love to do this kind of thing. And my dad used to go. There was a Vietnamese luggage dealer and when he, he and my mom used to come visit. They're not, they're not here anymore. But when he used to come to visit, every time he used to go to the luggage dealer and they greeted him, it was like an Arab bazaar. They was just thrilled. Oh, Mr. Miller. Because he would play with them. They love to do this. They would bring the whole family out and he'd say it was a dance. He'd say, I don't need anything this time. I just came to say hello. And they said, well, let us show you something.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you take toiletry bag yeah, you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take it for your wife. Oh, that's what the nice little makeup. And he'd say, no, I just came to say hello. And they'd say, well, this. We just got this in, and it's 28. And he'd say, I can't say. I can't. You know what, for something like this, because I just came to say hello, I might give you 16.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he'd say, well, we can't. So it's a dance.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in the. In the. In the world of the yard sale, there's a lot of selling for people that aren't there or who split.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's my roommate's thermos.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to in and out run. Yeah, I know the cup's missing. Lots of questions that need to be answered. I don't know. I know she's missing the cup that screws onto the top of the tartan plaid thermos, but I'm not sure where the plug is, the little plugs. I think it may be gonna be back in an hour if you want to wait it out, maybe two. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't know where the other part of the handle is for that mug, but I know it can be repaired.

[Gina Grad]

Well, yes, Larry Miller has a good point in that the garage sale has a certain amount of dignity. The Craigslist thing where you're selling a $2 item, but you have to arrange a meet.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

This is going to take hours of time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Somebody is going to have to come to your home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And evaluate whether or not they want the Tupperware lid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm convinced that most of this is just basically gay code. I mean, the gays used to work the bandanas, then they used to work the up. I'm gonna go up on Zoo Drive and stand on the corner. I'll give you a handy and a shrub. You just stop the car, honk once. I mean, the gays constantly, they're really. They're sort of like prisoners, you know what I mean? You take away the booze, they make the pruno.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You take the. Away the knives, they make a shank out of a hairbrush, you know, I mean, that's how the gays are. Except replace hairbrush with anal sex. But the point is, they will find a way. And I know there's a way that I know something's going on because a lot of this stuff is like, it. It's a dollar come by the apartment.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody is going to have somebody come by their apartment to make A dollar.

[Gina Grad]

Unless they're looking for a.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking for something. That dollar. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's important to me, by the way. I can. I've gone. I. I love garage sales. But the one thing I. I've come back with books. You can always get something from there. But the one thing I could never do is when you see the rack of shirts and pants, I think, I can't do clothes. I wouldn't do clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

Too intimate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's way too intimate. And socks. There are often socks there. And you want to say, you know what I mean? I can't even get bowling shoes. If I'm going to bowling shoes. I have to have six socks on my own.

[Adam Carolla]

The Corollas would do mattresses, floss. I mean, there was nothing that was out of bounds for my mother. Every mug, every plate, every fork was from a dead trucker. Everyone. Every mug had a ring on. I could count the rings like an oak tree and see how old the mug was. Because each decade there'd be that black ring that would be that coffee ring that would gather and it. Somewhere at the top, it would take it over. But yes, there was nothing that literally. Mattresses, sofas, you know, things that had people's dander on it, like. Yeah, I understand. A book or record or, you know, skateboard or something like that. Monkey wrench, you know, hard ticket item, a tool, you know, but the things that are sort of personal, especially sweaters. Sweater smells like the person. It's sort of like a dog's bed. It smells like the dog smells. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, when I first moved out to California, when comics in my world made the move from New York to California, I bought a used bed, a used mattress and box spring. And I had many years of success and rest on those mattresses. But I'm still. It took me till I finally got the first new bed before I realized that's disgusting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I was just. I was after the fact, horrified that I had slept on it and hugged.

[Adam Carolla]

On it, you know, the ultimate really, you never really think about. It's one we used to get all the time. Lots of shoes, lots of boots and shoes, like tennis shoes and boots and stuff. Like, hey, these boots, they fit real nice. Yeah. The guy was riding a motorcycle, was killed. They pulled it off. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Because where we used to get this shit is Salvation Army.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And ironically, was on army street now called Cesar Chavez.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Gina Grad]

But, yeah, you wondered, like, how many of these items were taken off cadavers or.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, by the way, this. This. I haven't told this. This only comes up when I'm sure you. And why wouldn't it? We had a 64 Fury 3 in my family. My father had a friend. We'd always get used cars. And this is a 64 Fury 3, which is a great car, by the way. And it always smelled. It smelled. It just smelled a little off. We loved it. And it didn't stop anyone. You put the family in. You go to grandma's house for whatever it is. And we found out. He asked his friend always lied to him, always rooked him. And it had. It was taken out of the east river in New York. It had a body in the trunk. And it was pulled out of the east river and taken down to the. All the paint came on, taking down the rust, repainted it was white. But they never got the smell number one of the river out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It might be in better shape now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not too much.

[Adam Carolla]

This is pre Febreze, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You couldn't even hang the little pine tree on the. On the rear.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, decomposing flesh is a tough one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a bunny in the trunk, and we used to get in there. We had that thing four years. Got in there. How many times a week? 50. And each time you get in, it never goes away. Each time you get in, you say, gee, that's horrifying. All right, let's go to school.

[Adam Carolla]

Old cars, by the way, just had their own smell. If you go to a car show and you're just walking around, you sort of lean your head in. You don't have to climb in. You just lean your head into that dodge dart from 1965, and you take an inhale, you go, wow, I'm back in junior high. Or, this is my childhood. Like, it has that smell.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that was some hypothetical road trip. Back on Adam Carillo Show 348. Coming for our final clip today, we have Adam Carillo Show 1057. Paris Goldberg, David Garrett, Dave Damaschek, Alison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, many things to complain about, starting with Mike August, Harris Goldberg, and David Garrett are coming in. And I just see on the schedule, like, a day ago, who'd you book for the show? He said, the guys who wrote Deuce Bigelow. I said, all I do is call that movie a colossal, flaming piece of cat shit. Mike. And he goes, yeah, I know. I thought it'd be funny. I said, oh, good, a funny booking. Mike. We talk four times a day. Mike August and I talk four Times a day. So next time I'm making fun of somebody's work or art and you decide to book that person, weave before you decide to book that person. And when I say four, I mean 40. I mean, we sit next to each other on airplanes for a living. And then we go out to breakfast in Phoenix when we're bored before the show like that. Weave it in. And he goes, well, they called me. And I said, all right, all right. At least I have a sense of humor about not having a sense of humor. But then I thought to myself, wait, wait a second, wait a second. I know. Because when Mike August goes wrong, he goes wrong in a big way. I said, I know these guys. He commits to going wrong full steam. Like Earl Campbell. Just. He picks. He sees a little daylight, he puts his head down. Isaiah Robinson be damned. He's going for pay dirt. Rams. Very nice. Look that one up. Yeah. So I said, I'll bet you illegal now in the future, by the way.

[Mike August]

He won't be allowed to lower that.

[Adam Carolla]

Head and belt that linebacker.

[Dawson]

I will.

[Adam Carolla]

I will. Then I thought to myself, I'll bet you these guys and Mike, because he only listens with half an ear. I only make fun of Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo, European Gigolo. I only do the second one because the first one is just, you know, that's just a bad Rob Schneider movie. But those are, you know, dime, dime a dozen. This one crosses over into the macabre and the bizarre and the occult. Like, this is. This is. The second one is hard to explain. Like, it's one thing just to do your, you know, cookie cutter Adam Sandler, eh, Not funny. But I understand there's a certain segment of society that's semi retarded that will enjoy this, but it's not for me or anyone I know. And then there's. Oh, my God, this is confusing. Like, I don't even know what this is. European Gigolo crosses over into that rarefied air of I don't even know what they're doing, right? Like, it's sort of performance art, and it's the worst thing you've ever seen. Yes, it's bizarre. It's unfunny and confusing. But these guys wrote Deuce Bigelow Male Gigolo. So they wrote the one that was precursor to the awful. That was all right. Yeah. All right. So that's a nice job, Michael. I don't want to defend August too much here, but one of the guys co wrote the European one, so he's safe for the Record, though.

[Mike August]

You got to give August credit for topicality. I mean that douchebags. It's only 11 years old now, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now that's true. It's Johnny on the spot. And tomorrow's guest. The guy, one of the producers from Tyler Perry Without a Paddle or Up a Creek or whatever that movie was. I don't even know the name. All right, so we'll talk to those guys. I have complaining to do about many things. One is a lot of. Lot of. Well, first. First this. You guys know what I say all the time? Like when there's a sort of reason you have and it's the reason. The reason you don't have this relationship with this person is what comes out when you speak to that person. I've said many times, Brian, you be my boss and you fire me for being disrespectful and rude.

[Teresa Strasser]

Got him. Step into my office, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a fake name. Come on, Pete.

[Teresa Strasser]

Stepping on my office, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Multi syllable fake name.

[Teresa Strasser]

Peter, Stepping on my office, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I would go by Pete. Try Walter.

[Teresa Strasser]

Randall.

[Adam Carolla]

Roger. Okay, Randall. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Stepping in the office, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is about your attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Boiling in here. Can I turn the air on?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it's not really going to matter. This won't take very long. It's maybe a little warm.

[Adam Carolla]

Your attitude, you know, people gets hot. It gets funky.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, people have been complaining about your attitude. And this has gone on who we had this.

[Adam Carolla]

Who complained?

[Teresa Strasser]

These are anonymous reports.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck. Anonymous system.

[Teresa Strasser]

Where?

[Adam Carolla]

That's such fucking bullshit.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is why we implemented the telephone system. So people could tell a friend and not be accused.

[Adam Carolla]

That is such a fucking pile of chicken shit. And I know you probably took your asshole pills this morning, but I'm not gonna fucking sit here in this Cool Hand Luke sweatbox and listen this anonymous bullshit. Now give me some fucking names.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a timely reference.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it fucking Judy? Was it that cunt?

[Teresa Strasser]

First of all, Judy's a lovely lady. I don't know why.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not when she drops a fucking dime on you.

[Teresa Strasser]

We're having this conversation. I'm afraid we're gonna let you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck that. She's rich, foolish. You know what? Just fuck you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Giving you an exit interview.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you, you fucking male pattern baldness. Some. I upgraded you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know why.

[Adam Carolla]

Such bullshit. This fucking place sucks my balls. Lick my fucking taint, you douchebag.

[Teresa Strasser]

We're prepared to offer you a two week severance.

[Adam Carolla]

Suck my cock. So anyway, full Cobra package, you know, then you're. You Do I use this as an example all the time? You want to go? Yes. This is why, this is why we're doing this with you. People don't realize they're doing it while they're doing it. My mom sent me a letter. Now I don't know who sends letters anymore. I mean they send cards and things, but I got a letter from my mom. Handwritten? No, typed.

[Mike August]

Typed on an old style typewriter.

[Adam Carolla]

Eh, there's nothing new style at a Corolla house. There's no new fangled anything that won't even allow Pringles into the house. Those are the devil's chips. Look at them stacked. First thing they don't like about it is the efficiency. I want a SAP. I want a pillowcase filled with dried stale air and there's some broken chips at the bottom. They don't like the efficiency, they don't like the newfangled part. They don't like anything about it. So I got a letter saying basically, I realized I neglected you as a child and ignored you and I pay attention to you and now you don't pay attention to me. But I'd like to fix that. So let's fix that. So I said, when did you get this letter?

[Teresa Strasser]

Today?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Well, I got a few days back. I had a pretty busy week.

[Larry Miller]

I finished reading it today.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was a whole bunch of words jumbled together. No, you know, I like, I have like, you know, there's a cool, cool off period I have with answering letter. You know what I mean? I don't want to go in hot headed, so I gave it a four or five days.

[Mike August]

So they angered you in other words?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. I just. To me it's this thing where it's like, all right, I get it. So. But I have this sort of a non relationship. My parents, they don't really exactly know what's going on. My dad doesn't, but I think my mom's like. So I said, she's been saying to me that my stepdad John is really the one taking the the brunt. He's having to do all the work and take care of her and do a bunch of stuff and he needs a little vacation he could use. She doesn't need to go out or do anything, but he could definitely get out of the house. So he wants you to take him on a date night? Mm, that's right. No, no, he doesn't talk, which is nice. So he doesn't talk. She doesn't really talk. No one. Never. There's A, there's an agreement where no, no one will talk, but they do four fashion letters. And so I said click, click, click. I called. Now what happened was I got an email from my brother in law, Christoph, and I said, oh, he's in the cars. He sent me an email about a car and I said, oh, you know what, I should invite him and the kids and my sister if she's into it, down to the Toyota Grand Prix, the celebrity race coming up this summer Saturday in Long Beach. And he gets a kick out of it. The kids get a kick out of it. They like that stuff, my nephews. I said, okay. So I invited him and then I said, you know, I'll call my mom and I'll tell her, you know, fine, we'll move on. And then I'll invite my stepdad John to come out to the race. Maybe he can tag along with Kristoff or something, but he'd get a kick out of this thing too. And then I said, big to do, big event, 40, 50,000 people there and I'm coming back as a pro this year cuz I won last year. Couple beats of silence. I said, I guess John could then travel with Kristof, maybe they could carpool. And she said okay. And I said all right. And then I said, well, you know, have John call me and we'll hook it up. She said, alrighty. I said, okay, we'll see you soon then come by maybe next week. All right? And then I up hung and I went, well, that's why we don't talk that much. Because I just told her there was an event that 40 or 50,000 people showed up at and I won it last year and I'm coming back as a pro this year. And there was not a. How does this. Well, there's not that, that part, that part's confusing. The part, that part is hurtful. But the part that's confusing is they never go, what is this thing you're talking of? Like are you in the Grand Prix? Are there celebrity what Celebrities? Like what do you do? What, what, whose car do you drive? I'd have questions like, what, what time? What do you get? How many? Is there anybody else you know? Is there someone I've heard of that's in this?

[Mike August]

Now imagine John the stepfather is going to get this secondhand information like hey, go, you're, you're going this weekend to see Adam's thing. Well, what is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I know he's something. It's as if I in Long Beach.

[Mike August]

I think is what he Said you're selling Toyotas.

[Gina Grad]

Basically.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like I said, I'm gonna have some. I got some community service here from the dui. I'll be at the Long beach off ramp picking up garbage between noon and five o'clock on Saturday. Maybe John, come by and talk through the window. All right, sounds good. There you go. It wasn't the. It was like just a little pause. Mm. Yeah. John sounds like he'd like that. There's zero. And I always wonder. I always have this thing of does it just leave completely or does someone go online and go, what goes on? It takes place once a year. It's taken place in Southern California for. I think the race has been about 40 years, maybe more. The celebrity race has been 37 years. Been all kind of luminaries in it. And it's. Well, it's the biggest event that takes place in Long Beach, I'll put it to you that way, once a year, but, you know, it's a huge weekend. Does she have curiosity about people, the world, things? I had a sad realization when I was skipping rope the other night, which is I like to skip rope and have sad thoughts. I realized that I. I have spoken to my mother about Dorothy Gravitch's kids book, the Kids. The book she wrote about her two twin daughters or granddaughters when they were five years old that she did not illustrate. Just Sally jumped on the bed, Sally landed on her head, turned the page. Janie had a good night, but Sally had such a fright. Turn the page. Not illustrated, just written. I've had many, many, many more conversations about the children's book that contained 21 words in it than my two New York Times bestsellers easily combined.

[Mike August]

Does your mother have any knowledge? Has she read your book?

[Adam Carolla]

Unclear.

[Mike August]

You have no idea if she's read your book?

[Adam Carolla]

It's always. It's always unclear. Does she know about. It's weird because you talk about the lack of curiosity your mom gave her. You know, took her out to the wood, gave her good spanking when it came to the trivia show.

[Mike August]

Believe me, my parents were just here.

[Adam Carolla]

This weekend and they.

[Mike August]

I didn't have to tell them anything about anything that comes up in your world because they're up to speed on it. They hear it because of my weekly appearances and.

[Adam Carolla]

But how did I know that?

[Mike August]

But she. I assume the answer is to this is no. But does she know anything about pop culture? Does she know who. Snoop Dogg. Long beach makes me think of Snoop Dogg. Would she know who that is, for instance?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, mom, what do you think? How would I know that? No, it doesn't. She used to like Jon Stewart. Oh really?

[Mike August]

All right, well, that's kinda up to speed.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you make of her writing you this letter? Well, I think she realizes that she's coming to the end of the line here and wants some sort of, you know, closure or some sort of, you know, connection. There's something but what most people do and it's what a lot of people do and I'm guilty of it as well. You just say, here's what I want. Then you go right back to what you do, how you are. That's the whole thing. Take me back to why you can't have it. I tell people all the time there's this thing where everyone is supposed to hang out because we have great affection for each other, because we're in love with each other, because we're family members and stuff. But the reality with people, people, they have a sport, a team, an activity, a job. They have events. You know, there's events. And when you erase all those events, you know, even with your own family, if your dad doesn't like your team and your dad doesn't much care for whatever your hobby is and your dad keep filling in the blank. He's not a beer guy, so he's not going to go have a cold one with you. And all that are kind of. He's not into cars. You're into cars, whatever it is. Eventually the calendar year goes by and there hasn't been too many events where you and your structure for getting together, then it's just your Venn diagram needs.

[Mike August]

A lot of color in the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well also. And then you eliminate fucking, which I did, I mean years ago. I think it's gonna be the last to go. I'm very close to it. You eliminate sex. And I mean I understand the. I'm a 57 year old Wall street investment banker, you're a 19 year old host Outback Steakhouse. You've never heard of Steely Dan? I don't give a fuck. I want to be balls deep in you. That much I understand. Like that. And she wants to check out your super cool Soho apartment like that. I understand there's a relationship there. She wants you to buy her surf, turf and surf again. That's a relationship. But you eliminate favorite team, favorite sport, favorite activity, fucking and drinking. And you're pretty much left with just staring at eggs into a somber face.

[Mike August]

It's also, I hear what you're saying, but it's also the thing that would.

[Adam Carolla]

Be.

[Mike August]

Tough to deal with is like you say, the apathy, but it sounds like your mother. I've met her a couple of times, and your father too, in passing. But both of them are very quiet people. And it always strikes me people who don't talk are tough to deal with. For you, who's this Chad, as you are. For me, everybody is the star of their own movie.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, as you go through, you're not like you're.

[Mike August]

No matter who you think you are.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're talking to whoever you're talking.

[Mike August]

To, there's a star of the movie and you're just a bit player in that.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. What, what, what's that movie? Doesn't that.

[Mike August]

What's the motivation to, to go on.

[Adam Carolla]

If you have not. It sounds like if you're not talking and analyzing, you cannot approach the extreme version of this is any of the mass shootings or the bomb that was set off at the Boston Marathon or any of these tragedies where you go, who would do this? You know, you're putting your sane, chatty, intact family mind into the mind of a brother, right? Like you're trying to interpret it seems like you couldn't imagine your parents parents not going out and watching this or viewing that or cheering you on for this, that. And there, that's you and your rational mind putting inside the minds of serial killers. By the way, tell me, Gary, if this is it, she can read the paperback, not Taco Bell material out today, by the way. So I don't think she's going to do. But here's this is a little window into my life. Remember yesterday we're talking and we saw said books out today, books out on Monday. And then I said, don't books drop on a Tuesday? Or doesn't everything drop on a Tuesday? And then I got the word back, Nope, it's the 15th, comes out on a Monday. And I said, I thought everything came out on a Tuesday. Well, maybe not the paperback. And then I was doing O'Reilly yesterday and they were going to give my book a plug and they said, comes out today or comes out tomorrow? And I, I said, no, no, it came out on Monday. And then they checked and they came back and they said, no, it comes out on Tuesday. Gary, how does this work? I don't know. First off, how does it work that I have no idea what day my book comes out and I can't get a clear answer from anyone. It comes out the day this podcast is airing, the 16th. All right. So yesterday.

[Teresa Strasser]

To be fair, he wasn't here yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

This was someone else yesterday. Dawson, I looked online when I said April 15th. Okay, it's. It's. That's. I told you. You're absolutely right. Everything does come out. Gary was out burning trees, dancing around with no pants on, Coachella in the desert.

[Mike August]

And Mike Dawson didn't go because he.

[Adam Carolla]

Was too high to get to his car to leave. Right. But, Allison, you sat here yesterday was like, doesn't everything come out? And then you were told, no, it comes out the 15th, and you said, okay, all right, well, anyway, it is out. And everyone else's mom can read it. They have my blessing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Out now.

[Adam Carolla]

Out now. All right. I had. It was my fault. It's all my fault.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hope you learned your lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my fault for being born.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that does it for today's cruel classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Sa.