Larry Miller + Dr. Bruce (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Detailed Summary of The Adam Carolla Show Episode: "Larry Miller + Dr. Bruce (Carolla Classics)"

Release Date: June 22, 2025

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1. Thanksgiving Traditions and Culinary Disappointments (00:01 - 06:44)

The episode opens with Adam Carolla humorously critiquing the struggle of finding the perfect pair of jeans, segueing into a Thanksgiving-themed discussion. Adam shares a personal anecdote about his family's traditional Thanksgiving dinner, highlighting his frustration when his sister deviates from the customary pumpkin pie by adding a layer of plum sauce. This unexpected twist leads Adam to lament the loss of culinary traditions in favor of creative variations.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [04:07]: "They like to mix things up a little bit, you know, and they like to put a little artistic flair on their desserts."

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2. The Overzealous Dog Ranger Incident (06:44 - 16:04)

Adam and his guests recount an incident at a dog park where a "Dog Ranger" enforced leash laws with excessive zeal. This individual reportedly summoned additional canines to the scene, causing chaos and disarray among park-goers who intended to let their dogs roam freely. The trio expresses strong disdain for the ranger's actions, framing them as unnecessary and overly controlling.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [14:07]: "And it's an unspoken sort of, you know, it's not like speeding or parking in a handicap zone. I would bet you that in the city of Los Angeles it's probably legal to take your dog off the leash at the beach or at the park or even the dog park, it's illegal, but there's a little, we'll look the other way."

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3. Discussion on Penile Fractures with Dr. Bruce (16:04 - 50:04)

Dr. Bruce, also known as Dr. Spaz, provides an in-depth medical explanation of penile fractures, a rare but serious condition involving the rupture of the corpus cavernosum. The conversation delves into various causes across different cultures, including accidental trauma during sexual activities, masturbation, and even bizarre incidents like a donkey bite or falling onto an erect penis. The dialogue combines medical facts with humorous and hyperbolic storytelling, aiming to inform while entertaining the audience.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Bruce [42:36]: "Well, how we. You can go in various directions, but drawing from my case of the week last week. Penile fractures. Penile fractures are, of course, there's not a bone in the penis, but there's a corpus cavernosum."

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4. Sexual Misconduct Allegations Against Bernie Fine (50:04 - 89:38)

The show transitions to a serious discussion about the sexual misconduct allegations against Bernie Fine, an assistant basketball coach at Syracuse University. Multiple accusers, including ballboys, have come forward with claims of abuse spanning years. Adam and his guests critically examine the credibility of these accusations, questioning the veracity and motivations behind the allegations. The conversation touches on societal tendencies to believe in and propagate such claims without sufficient corroborative evidence.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [80:07]: "I mean, people are. They're incapable of that kind of fucking detail. And then secondly, what. What's their motivation? Get. Get sued. Yeah. Because if it didn't happen, you're sued. Right?"

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5. Hypothetical Road Trip with Larry Miller (89:38 - 156:56)

In a lighter segment, Adam engages with Larry Miller in a "Hypothetical Road Trip" game. They humorously debate scenarios involving fictional characters like Jonah Hill and discuss exaggerated personalities, showcasing their comedic chemistry. This segment serves as a break from the more intense topics, offering listeners a blend of humor and camaraderie.

Notable Quote:

Bald Bryan [155:51]: "Yeah, I could go back and watch it with an open mind. You understand. I was not a lone drunk farmer standing in a cornfield and seeing the spaceship land."

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6. Black Friday Chaos and Consumerism (156:56 - 180:26)

The episode wraps up with a discussion about the wild behavior exhibited during Black Friday sales. Adam shares a personal story about his daughter sending his soccer ball rolling into a street, symbolizing the chaotic and often selfish nature of holiday shopping. The conversation criticizes consumerism and the lengths people go to secure deals, highlighting the societal obsession with acquiring goods at any cost.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [168:01]: "It's like the shampoo for crabs that used to just be. You need a prescription for it for like 20 years. And then at some point someone goes, whoa, look, if you got crabs, why don't you just sell them this stuff."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show blends humor with candid discussions on societal norms, medical topics, and current events. Through personal stories and engaging banter, Adam and his guests offer listeners both entertainment and critical insights into everyday life and broader cultural issues.

Final Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [179:57]: "It's a horrible gift that keeps giving. It creates more predators. And this is why it really needs to be stopped. Because I don't know what the data is, and I don't think anyone knows, because we don't care to look into this as a society."

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Note: The timestamps correspond to the minutes and seconds in the provided transcript, allowing listeners and readers to reference specific parts of the discussion.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

The perfect jean. Oh, it's hard to find jeans that fit right well, it was until I got a pair of the perfect jeans. That's right. Finally found jeans that don't crush your junk or make you look like you're smuggling a diaper. Life's too short to wrestle with that denim. The stiff denim. Ugh. You gotta be comfortable these days. These jeans actually move with you whether you're wrangling the kids or fixing the sink or are just sitting around acting like the king you are. Over 400,000 guys, old, young, big, small, swear by them. And they're not in a cult. They just love good pants. That's the perfect gene. Your nuts will thank you and so will your wife or whoever you're dating. It's the perfect gene. Right, Dawson? For a limited time, our listeners get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at ThePerfectGene NYC or Google the Perfect Perfect Gene and use code ADAM15 for 15 off. That's 15 off for new customers at the PerfectGene NYC with promo code ADAM15. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you f your khakis and get the perfect gene. Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Giovanni]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and events like the clips from all 16 years of.

[Adam Carolla]

The Adam Carolla show.

[Giovanni]

We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics, available as an exclusive premium bonus.

[Adam Carolla]

Fee through Podcast one Premium. You can find the show there ad free. Check it out and sign up.

[Giovanni]

And if you'd like to find other ad free archives for the Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Show, the Adam and Drew show, as.

[Giovanni]

Well as exclusive access to the brand new show Beat it Out. Check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcora.substack.com and.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to request a clip.

[Giovanni]

Please email us classicsdamcarolla.com let's get to the clips coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

First, we have Adam Carollo show 708.

[Giovanni]

Dr. Bruce, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2010. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Bald Brian, you are the dumbest person alive. What is wrong with you? Love me some Joel McHale too. Good day, Dr. Bruce, aka Dr. Spaz.

[Dr. Bruce]

Great to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Good lenses, bad frames. That's right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Jack for bear or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Loaded for bear. Loaded for bear.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison Rosen, Dr. Bruce, don't attempt phrases.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'll leave it to.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. How was everyone's Thanksgiving?

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Yeah. Delicious. Delicious.

[Giovanni]

The Best part about Thanksgiving, of course, is the leftover turkey sandwiches, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Add in the San Francisco sourdough.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, I love adding the cranberry sauce to it. It's great.

[Giovanni]

I made your cranberry sauce.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, sweet. Oh.

[Giovanni]

Tip to everyone who's making it next year.

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck are Ocean Spray gonna step up and start? You know, let me wet my beak.

[Giovanni]

If you look a quarter, a cup of the tea of the sugar. Yeah, A quarter cup of the sugar for the end. Put it at the very end so it doesn't dissolve. You know what I'm saying? And the water tastes a little sweeter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good. Also, I say do half a cup just to see how you like it. Cause a full cup's a little much for most people. And you can't remove the sugar. Now if you look at the TV screen, you go to AdamCarolla.com, see the dessert. I had a moment that you guys would just enjoy the shit out of if you knew me. My wife was busy cooking away, and she's making the turkey and the stuffing, and she's making the sweet potato and the whole nine yards and mashed potatoes. Just very traditional. Because my feeling, when people say, let's get some rack of lamb going this year. It's once a year. It's once a year. There's no reason to mix things up because it's once a year and it's Thanksgiving.

[Allison Rosen]

No need to be creative people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Keep it for those other holidays.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep the cod out of the kitchen for this one day. And there's nothing better when it's done right than the end. You smell the wafting through the house of the turkey. It's been in the oven for six hours. And the stuffing sucking up all the succulent, the arugula. At a certain point, my wife said, raisins in the stuffing. I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just stuffing, potatoes, gravy, turkey. It's all there. And then I said, who's doing dessert?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

And she said, your sister's doing dessert. And I said, okay, we could have an issue here. And it's not that there's anything wrong with my sister and her desserts, but she is a Corolla, and they like to mix things up a little bit, you know, and they like to put a little artistic flair on their desserts. And I said to my wife, about 2 in the afternoon, I said, I should go to Marie Callender's right now and just get a pumpkin pie right? Just straight because insurance, there are certain things you're not gonna do better than. And the pumpkin pie at the pie store is up there. I don't care how fucking good you are and how much you slave at home. I don't. I just don't care how good you are. You can't do better than that. $7.99. Marie Callender's pumpkin pie. You can't. I was misguided a little. I thought we're gonna come up short in the whipped cream department. I said, I'm gonna need some whipped cream, I need some pumpkin pie, and I need some whipped cream. It is thanks goddamn giving. Just the way the Lord intended it to be said. And I need some whipped cream and some pumpkin pie. So I said, what if I should go down to Marie counters and get some whipped cream and get a pumpkin pie? And by the way, give me a worst case scenario when you're left with an extra pumpkin pie. Worst case? It's impossible.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst case scenario would be extra.

[Adam Carolla]

Whipped cream and pumpkin pie. Like, there's no. So you get stuck. So my sister brings five pumpkin pies and I get stuck with an extra one. The worst thing I could do is bring it in here tonight and have everyone happily devour it. But it's seven bucks. And then the whipped cream's another two bucks. And I should do it. But I think, you know what. And then I. And I do that thing where I vacillate like. Adam, stop getting in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually pacing while doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

I was pacing with my hands behind my back.

[Allison Rosen]

Twiddling your thumbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Twiddling my thumbs. And I think, Adam, get out of people's business. Everyone's an adult. They know what they're doing.

[Allison Rosen]

That was such a. That was where you went wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

You leave them alone. Let them do their business. It's Thanksgiving. They're doing dessert. That means a pumpkin pie or an apple pie and some whipped cream and.

[Allison Rosen]

What have you and micromanaging.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave them the fuck alone. And you worry about lighting the candles and starting the fireplace and getting the house ready when everyone else will come over and you'll bring the pie and we'll make the turkey. So I was like, okay. All right. So we ate the dinner. Delicious. Fantastic. Second helpings. Everything all the way around. And then the dessert came out, and I could see it was. Looked like a pumpkin pie to me, but it was a flattish pumpkin pie. It was misty unleavened. Yes, that's right. It was the matzah of pumpkin pie. 40 days. My sister wandered in the desert 40 years, actually carrying this pie until Charles Heston showed up. And I was. It was like unleavened pumpkin pie. Like, it was missing the fluff, the nap, and the puff, you know? I like the pumpkin pie. It's a little bit thick, and you put the fork through it, and it just kind of cuts it.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are the alternate Rice Krispies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. I love it. So I'm sitting there kind of looking at it, and I go, all right, well, it's a little flat, but it's pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie. What are you gonna do? And whipped cream. Homemade whipped cream. I was, all right, well, how bad can we go here? A bowl next to it was chocolate pudding, and I thought, it's a little creative. Chocolate pudding, good for the kids, not fantastic for Thanksgiving. Chocolate pudding kind of, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pecan pie. You know, get the pies out. All right, we got the chocolate pudding. We got the homemade pumpkin pie.

[Giovanni]

Pecan pie. And pumpkin pie is a tough sell for kids, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they usually go for the pumpkin pie, but. All right, bring the pudding for the kids. Go with an apple and a pumpkin and maybe. So I cut myself a slice, and it's thin, but. All right, I'll have two. So be it. I slap on the whipped cream, and I take a bite of it, and I. The hell's this weird flavor going on inside this pumpkin pie? And I said to my sister, what's. What's going on with this pumpkin pie? She says, oh, that's a layer of plum sauce. Oh, what.

[Giovanni]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's not traditional.

[Allison Rosen]

It looks like grape jelly in the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish it was grape jelly. It's plum sauce.

[Allison Rosen]

Plum sauce.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, plum sauce? And she said, yeah, thought we'd mix it up. And again, I always think, once a year. Is it that much? I don't remember what we ate last year. You don't have to mix it up from day to day for me.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's not like you get served regular pumpkin pie every other day.

[Giovanni]

Pumpkin pie again, I know I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Like to tip my sombrero too often to the Mexicans, but this is one thing they beat us on. They don't mix it up right. It's beef and corn and tortillas.

[Allison Rosen]

Plum churro.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So mix it up. And I was like. And wow. Whenever kids popped off and said, like, eh, can't go wrong with the traditional. I remember that.

[Bald Bryan]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it wasn't bad. It wasn't as good as, obviously, pumpkin pie would have been because this is pumpkin pie. The. The weird. The weird stripe of plum going through it was very confusing to your taste buds because pumpkin pie doesn't usually have any other fruit associated with it or nuts or anything like that. And it was again, you know, so a for effort. Not putting my sister down. It. It wasn't bad. It was a little more confusing than. More than anything. But I knew it like. It's like, fuck, I should have went to 30. I should have went to that goddamn 420, got myself a pumpkin pie. I knew this thing. I knew. I knew it was coming. But then I think to myself, as I say to everyone all the time, why. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why? I mean, heart in the right place. Burn more calories than just pumpkin. Pumpkin pie and end up with something that no one really wants.

[Dr. Bruce]

But if I could get away with it, I would have done the same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

However, if I get away with it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I mean, your sister's a smart gal. I know your sister. And one entertainment to bring that pie. Mix it up a little bit on the holiday with a pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Picks what up?

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a matter of getting a rise out of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Who. What?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you mean, you think they were trying to have a laugh?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. No, no, no.

[Dr. Bruce]

Subtle. More subtle. Not a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

It means passive aggressiveness.

[Adam Carolla]

I've shouted from the mountaintops a billion times, just give me iced tea. Just stop fucking with everything. It's fine. It's pumpkin pie. Doesn't get any better than pumpkin pie. Don't, monkey.

[Giovanni]

But the holidays in particular are all about tradition. And the same thing every year. And it's the once a year. It's the 365th day that you do this.

[Dr. Bruce]

But I'm enjoying your life.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, Brian is agreeing with me, so you know I'm right. Number two, there's no one really to blame but myself. I should have just went and got a pumpkin pie. Number three. But why. But why? Why do we do this? Why? And the plum was like, not. My brain didn't know how to process. The plum is sort of tart, tasty.

[Allison Rosen]

Did your brain separate out the pumpkin?

[Adam Carolla]

It tried. It's not nimble enough to separate the pumpkin from the training. And again, look, didn't say a word. Can't be pissed. A for effort. You know, heart in the right place. It's. It's more of a symptom of our times, which is we cannot just do basic foods anymore. It's a California thing. This shit would not go over in the Midwest. Number one. And we fucked ourselves out of something that was never, ever broken. We went gourmet on everything. We went different on everything. We did the yin to the delicious yang on everything. And we've completely fucked ourselves over.

[Allison Rosen]

The weird thing is that I feel like even if you were to look in cookbooks, you wouldn't find variations on pumpkin pie. I could be wrong, but I don't. I don't think it's like pumpkin pie with currants.

[Adam Carolla]

If you took a polling of 15 people and said, you like pumpkin pie? And they went, yes. And they went, do you want. Would you like a vein of plum running through it? They'd all go, no, right? I want pumpkin pie. So the thing is, it's the same thing I say to the people who want the fucking passion fruit iced tea or who bring me the passion fruit iced tea when I ordered iced tea. What are the chances I want something different than what I wanted?

[Allison Rosen]

None.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So anyway, the cooking shows, because you.

[Giovanni]

Can'T just serve Tom Colicchio a pumpkin pie. And here's pumpkin pie that I made. Now it's like a pumpkin tartine with, like, a brioche and plum sauce running.

[Allison Rosen]

Through it right within a fusion and a reduction.

[Adam Carolla]

And there was no goat cheese to be found. So I'm glad.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe plum was a secret ingredient in your sister's kitchen. Iron Chef.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, it was perfectly edible and it was fine. And I'm apologizing to my sister if she hears this and gets pissed at me. I'm not complaining about her doing this. I'm complaining about this general path we're going down as a society to, quote, unquote, mix everything up. Like, pizza is good and onion, pepperoni, sausage. Good on a pizza. If you'd like a cheeseless pizza with water crescent, then you don't like pizza and you should get the fuck out of the pizza place. That's the thing. And yet we're keep trying to raise the bar and we're fucking it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? It's like a mashup on your plate.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my fault, because I should have went and got myself a pumpkin pie. I did one year at my dad's house when my stepmom ordered up the honey baked ham for Thanksgiving. I went to the supermarket and bought myself turkey and came back to the table, like, after. I mean, during. During the dinner. I just said, sorry, I need. It's. It's Thanksgiving. I like turkey, and I'm gonna get up and go to Gelson's. Anyone need anything?

[Giovanni]

Did you do a thing where you're like, hey, look, no harm, no foul. You like what you like, I like what I like. I'm not mad at you. Or was there a little bit of a. Oh, ham. Huh? Wonder if Gelson's is open.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying not to be douche about it, but I don't like ham that much and it's Thanksgiving and I wanted turkey. So I got up and went to the Gelson's and I came back.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a very lonely ride just being self sufficient. Who else was at Gelson's at that time? Other people who were served ham.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, we all commiserated over our hams. And. And it's the same reason I brought to my cousin Pat's house my homemade cranberry sauce a couple years before that. Because I want real cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. And again, I feel like we need to set. I never thought we'd. Our founding fathers never dreamt that this day would come where we need an actual guideline, a set of rules.

[Allison Rosen]

Commandments.

[Adam Carolla]

In figure skating, they have the compulsory part of the skating and then they have the freestyle, which would involve plum.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So my feeling is compulsory. Need the turkey. Need the pumpkin pie, maybe apple pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, that sort of thing. Compulsory. And then after that, knock yourself out.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Like Picasso taught his students how to paint in a very realistic fashion. Because you have to learn that first before you can start adding extra eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, interesting. I like that. Well, anyway, it was, I had, once again, as I always do, set myself up. See, if I hadn't been pacing at two in the afternoon knowing I wasn't going to get what I consider a pumpkin pie. I'd set myself up so you could almost sort of hear my pencil snap when I bit into the stripe of plum. And no, it did not help. Still fine dessert and would have been good on any other day. And whipped cream came through in spades with the whipped cream. Whipped cream also. Alright, here's the deal. I don't need glow in the dark anything. I need peace, quiet and a place to sit. But apparently the kids want energy shots that light up like a laser show. So here we are. Introducing 5 Hour Energy Glow Motion. Same jolt as your morning coffee, zero sugar, and now a bottle that glows under UV light. It's 2 ounces. That's it. You blink and it's gone. Just like your dignity after singing karaoke. Great for ravers, gamers, marathon runners, or anyone who needs to stay vertical through a PTA meeting. Go to FiveHouseEnergy.com and grab the new Glow Motion flavor. Or wait till it hits Amazon in June. If you're the kind of person who also waits six months to see a movie your friend's already ruined. Most people would rather attend a corporate team building workshop than search for auto and home insurance.

[Allison Rosen]

Go team.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel that synergy. That's why the zebra searches for you. Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find savings no one else can Compare. [e-mail] who's ready for the trust Fall?

[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Made up the whipped cream. Fresh. Delicious. I actually then bounced back quite nicely by going to Dr. Drew's house last night and getting into the pumpkin piece and had a moment, had a great rich white guy moment where I cut myself overcompensated with now a huge slab of pumpkin pie at this point and I was starting to dig into it and I thought, oh, now no whipped cream. I love the pumpkin pie with the whipped cream. And I walked over to the fridge and I opened up the fridge and I started scanning the. You know when you're looking in someone else's fridge, it's almost their medicine cabinet. A little intrusive. You get some ideas.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's the kind of peanut butter they have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bread and. Bread and butter. Pickles. I guess that's your thing, right? You start judging just a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

Like oh, what's that specimen looking thing in the back?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's always, always a little. Always a little something. And God forbid you see some diet shake or something. Well, somebody's got an issue and there's.

[Dr. Bruce]

No kids to blame it on, right?

[Adam Carolla]

The kids are all out. So I was looking through the fridge and I think somebody said if not his daughter Paulina said what are you looking for? And it's just weird. Like busted. You know? And I said, and because I haven't found it, you have to pretend like you didn't really want it. You know, whipped cream, but no big deal. And she said, I think I've spotted some of that. And then she did that rich white guy thing. Rich white girl in this case. She went over to a drawer, a refrigerated drawer. Oh, wow. Pulled the refrigerated drawer open, and it was like the light coming off it. Like that scene in Pulp Fiction when they opened the briefcase. I was like, oh, cream. You know, different viscosities. And shook it up. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Came all over your pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Went berserk. Yes, I did that later.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, do you do the thing where you completely cover the top of the pie? Because I saw someone do that recently, and I thought, I've always just been doing the. In the center.

[Adam Carolla]

I realized the thing about the whipped cream, it's sort of like the Parmesan cheese. When you're eating Italian food, like spaghetti, modesty prevents you from having as much as you'd actually like on there. Like with a guy comes by and he does the one spoon sprinkle, and he says, will that be good? And you think to yourself, no, it won't. But I can't.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'll catch you when you come back.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like you just to capsize the thing on top of the fucking thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd like you to take a spoonful, keep the spoonful in your hand and leave me with the bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you just stand over my shoulder, and as soon as you see no snow on the mountain, make it snow. Make it snow. Make it rain, baby. Be like a NFL baller in a strip club. I want you to be like Pac Man Jones in a strip club. Why don't you make it rain Parmesan, baby? I'm telling you, my idea for a whole restaurant chain is called More Parmesan. Yeah, it's just, you know, all straightforward. Listen, we serve mediocre Italian food at Media, you know, fair to Midland prices. That's not our thing. Our thing is we keep coming with the Parmesan, and I. Because, you know, you can't call the guy back. You always eat the top layer off. You always want that third spoonful, but you don't. It just sounds like. So I just said, fuck it with the whipped cream. I just go. I just go berserk.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Cause fuck it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I got nothing to prove. So I went to. I went to Drew's house last night with a fire in my belly right.

[Allison Rosen]

In front of Dr. Bruce. You say this?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, yeah. Oh, not invited. That's right. And I. Yeah, I made Dr. Drew in the hisy. Made up for. For the stripe of plum. And I never can anticipate any of this stuff. I always just know. You know what I'm like. I'm like an Indian from. From a 60s Western. I put my. You know, I just do that thing where I'm leading everyone and I stop and everyone just stops. They give me my space. They give my space. And I just see me just looking. You hear that Tom. Tom drum.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You hear me just looking around, actually kind of like in Predator. Oh. You know what I mean?

[Bald Bryan]

Billy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Billy. Where he's just like, what's going on?

[Giovanni]

And something's amiss.

[Adam Carolla]

The one white guy tells the other guy something's trouble. Trouble. Trouble's coming. Never been wrong. It's never like, oh, there's an ice cream truck. It's never that. It's never that. It's like, the Indian dude knows. And that's how I am with dessert and anything. Anything culinary, actually. Anytime I just stop and put my hand up. You stop behind me and your horses, there's something's going to happen, right? And I knew there was something.

[Allison Rosen]

This time, something small but annoying is amiss.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this time it's pie. Next time it'll be an alien come to another planet to hunt the ultimate prey. But, yeah, I'm like Billy from Predator. Like, I just know there's fucking trouble. He knew where that alien was. He was invisible, but he still knew. He knew. That's how I am with dessert. And yet I'm like Billy, but with dessert.

[Allison Rosen]

You had the pie in your hand because you almost went to Marie Callender's, but you didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Because every once in a while I say to myself, shut up.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Just let it be. Just let them do their job. You do your job and move on.

[Allison Rosen]

You were just resigned, but you didn't really think she was gonna come through with the pie you wanted, did you?

[Adam Carolla]

I thought I would get a pumpkin pie and then maybe be short some pecan or maybe some apple. I didn't know that there was some way to desecrate a pumpkin piece.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it could be bad, but you didn't know it could be this bad.

[Adam Carolla]

And it wasn't that it was even bad. I mean, it wasn't like, oh, this is horrible. Everyone ate it, said it was good. It was just not. I have very deep seated feelings about tradition and food and screwing your Sister knows that with stuff. Nobody know. Well, anybody that knows you?

[Allison Rosen]

No, it was in his.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody knows anything. Listen, I'm the guy. I'm the guy who does. I did 45 minutes on donuts the other day, and then my assistant Matt showed up with these clown car donuts that were like. I mean, orange with. With.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Fluorescent Pegasus shit on top of that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, we'll pull up a picture and then gave me the. Ah. Thought you'd like them. They're festive looking. And like I realized, everyone tunes me out. No one hears what I've. No, look there. Let's put it this way. It's a good thing I'm not in the military because I would be a general and I'd be bombing our own barracks all the time. Because I'd be saying, the enemy's over there. And they go, gotcha, boss. And then the incoming. We'd all have to hit the ground. No. Nobody listens to me. No. But they don't know what I want. They don't. Nobody knows.

[Dr. Bruce]

Drew knew what you wanted. If I were entertaining, why did Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Know what I wanted?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, because anyone that knows you knows the way you like things. And if you don't present it to you, if you're not presented with it that way, you're going to get a response. Some people like to get a respons. You maybe like your sister. Drew's anxious enough. He doesn't want to deal with you.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No faces. No. My sister is an interesting, artistic person who wants to do things a little bit differently.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. It's, it's. It's like my sister's one of these people that does things a little differently for the sake of doing something differently. You know, like a really hot chick who gives herself a short haircut just to like mix it up. That, that It's. It's a. It's a. Everyone else would do this. Let's mix it up a little.

[Allison Rosen]

She's gonna zag.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Instead of zig. They're the. Now I did what must have felt to you in the room, like an hour and a half on donuts. About four days before this abortion.

[Allison Rosen]

Three hours.

[Adam Carolla]

It felt like three hours.

[Allison Rosen]

Three entertaining hours about donuts.

[Adam Carolla]

In reality, it was about 25 minutes on donuts, which is. Stop with the raised ones. Get the cake ones and the old fashioned ones. Everyone wants those with the bullshit all over the donuts. And when Matt went out on a donut run just a few days later, he got mostly raised. And then all the cake ones, the traditional ones, were just covered in Jimmy's that were basically the gay flag turned into Jimmy's. And then bright orange. I don't know what. And this. If you heard one syllable of what I've said at any given point in my life. And you brought this back. People don't listen me. I understand. Everyone tunes out the orange one with.

[Allison Rosen]

The candy corns on it looks like something I've only recently become familiar with. Goatsy, are you familiar with this? Don't pull up a photo. It's apparently some early Internet meme of people like spreading their butt cheeks apart with their hands. Yeah, no photo.

[Adam Carolla]

No photo.

[Allison Rosen]

But it does. But. But you could look at the donut and see what I'm saying. It looks like fingers and a sphincter.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I've had it happen quite a few times where Dawson's hanging. I would pull. Do not pull up any pictures of that. As a guy who builds houses, I would show up and see stuff that people did and go, did you think I was not going to see this? And they'd go, I don't know. And I'd go, well, you know, I see everything, right? And they go, yeah, I guess. And I'd go, well, all we do is argue over how to do things. And this is glaring, Right? You want me to change it? Yes, it's horrible, but why did you not think I was going to see this? But I realized I don't have the ability to properly convey my ideas to other people. Or they brush them off so quickly that I never really fully get them across. I'm not sure why.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a control thing. It's a.

[Adam Carolla]

You think my sister was trying to.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not your sister. No, I think your sister's still thinks there may be hope for you in terms of being more open about certain traditional values you hold.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think she gave it any thought. I just think she wanted to mix it up, as she says. All right, anyway, listen, it was only that I knew it was coming. I knew it and it's my fault. And I should have got some pumpkin pie. But again, speaks to a bigger now assistant, Matt why he would come home with that AIDS hospice of a baker's dozen of donuts. That is where people with AIDS I will never know. And why he would think, well, it's Halloween. Let's get a little bit festive. By the way, I'm 47. I'm done with festive. Wanna fucking eat stuff that tastes good? Matt's an intelligent guy whose job part of his job is not to piss me off. He was trying as hard as he could. That's how my words are interpreted. You could not get worse.

[Giovanni]

According to him, there's a language barrier.

[Allison Rosen]

Between him and between you and him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the donut man.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yes, that is what he claimed.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway. Listen, I love my sister. She, you know, she tried. It wasn't bad. I just wanted my. I wanted my pumpkin pie the way God created it.

[Allison Rosen]

And I should not. You love him too, because he's probably breaking the toilet right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt takes things out on porcelain. He's the porcelain punisher. Matt, the porcelain punisher. Final layer. I. Matt, I love you, too, But Jesus h. Christ. That was. Oh, and by the way, lynch gave him a call.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

And said, like, do not come home with those donuts unless they're cake donuts.

[Allison Rosen]

And lynch is the enforcer of your tastes.

[Adam Carolla]

He works for me and around me, and he actually listens to me. And then when I tell him, here's what I want, here's what I don't want, he goes, okay. And then he writes it down. And then he does it. It's insane.

[Dr. Bruce]

Master of observation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really insane. But when I get in these arguments with my wife, she'll go, oh, you have a problem with everybody. Oh, you. And I really go, ask Lynch. Ask Lynch. I have a problem with him. Oh, well, that's Lynch. I said, yeah, that's Lynch. Because lynch actually writes it down and then goes out and does it. And thus, there's never a problem with Lynch. And. And the one time a year he fucks up, it's always forgiven because he's done such a great job the rest of that time. All right, so anyway, Matt, make a note for me to tell lynch to fire you. Consider it done. Wait. All right. All right. So, Bruce, you have. Let's see. I want to tell you guys about. Man. Great. Oh, man. You know, somebody tweeted me a picture of their turkey that they actually roasted on a man grate. I don't know if they cooked it in the oven first. They must have. And then threw it on the grill. But they grilled it on a man grate.

[Giovanni]

My dad barbecues turkey every year. You don't put the oven first Straight on the grill.

[Adam Carolla]

Right on the grill, Absolutely. And then put the lid. Close the lid on it. How long is that? It's gonna take a while.

[Giovanni]

You gotta get the barbecue going for a while. But the turkey itself, a couple hours.

[Adam Carolla]

And is it a smoky thing or is it just a Grilly thing.

[Giovanni]

You can smoke it and there's a little smoke to it. But the. The grill, I'm sure the man grate's.

[Adam Carolla]

Improvement over that 100% cast iron made in America steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. $19.99. Such a deal. Oh, I cannot. You know, there's no product I can endorse more wholeheartedly than the Mangrate. You just cannot go wrong with this bad boy. And I bet you don't have one. Click on the mangrate [e-mail] and order today. They got a bonus. Every order comes with a heavy duty man. Great brush with the Adam Corolla show logo.

[Allison Rosen]

I would use it on my hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome, man. Great. All right, Bruce, you got some medical news. Allison, you got some news news. You want to do some medical first?

[Bald Bryan]

Sure.

[Dr. Bruce]

I got a plethora of great stuff. How about start with some Germany, Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace Broadcasting or Florida health watch with Dr. Spaz.

[Dr. Bruce]

I gotta live up to my name.

[Adam Carolla]

Germany or Florida. Germany or Florida.

[Dr. Bruce]

Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

But it'll either be called Florida or Germany or Germany Florida. It will never just be called Germany or Florida. What it is.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of like old black guys trying to pronounce sitcoms. You know what I mean? Yeah. They'll never be what it is. Yeah. Frazier, you know that bosom booty show.

[Allison Rosen]

FM Bradley was in that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, ready? This is great stuff. Woman goes in for leg operation, gets a new anus instead.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Dr. Bruce]

A retiree taken to the hospital. She's taken the hospital to court. She went in and she was. She was confused with an individual that had incontinence and she had her anus replaced.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yes. This is a true story.

[Dr. Bruce]

She was suing the hospital.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's what they do for incontinence.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well said. Replaced or, you know, modified. Irregardless. What are the point.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they use when you do the anus replacement?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I don't know. The replacement is probably the lame.

[Adam Carolla]

Modified, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Anus work.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. And she was going in for. For footwork or leg work.

[Dr. Bruce]

A simple leg operation. Of what sort?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I had the. I had my knee operated on recently. They mark it up. You know, they write on it with a pen and go, this is it. And something. It's one of these things you think they would have figured out a long time ago, but it took them a while.

[Dr. Bruce]

Still happens.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it was funny when I went back a week later to have these stitches removed. The guy was like, oh, I could still see the pen mark there. And I was like, yeah, I'm not a big bather. It was over a week later to get the stitches removed and it looked this message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn, save, spend wisely and invest with your guardrails in place. With Greenlight you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Join millions of parents and kids building healthy financial habits together on Greenlight. Get started risk [e-mail] wondery. You know how we all have that one friend that weirdly knows a ton about finances and is always down to help you with yours? Of course you don't. We're all lost and alone and it's terrifying. Well, not anymore. Meet Experian, your bff. And by that I mean big financial friend. I'm telling you, Experian is gonna be your go to app when it comes to handling finances like a grown up. And this big financial friend always brings the DTF energy down to fix things, that is. The Experian app finds ways to help you save, matches you with credit cards, and even shows you your FICO score when you're up for it. Bet your other BFFs can't bring it like that, huh? Anyway, it's easy to take this big financial friend along for the ride. Just download the Experian app and get started for free.

[Giovanni]

Link up with your BFF and before.

[Adam Carolla]

You know it, you'll be finishing each other's finance goals. Results will vary. Credit offers, approvals and reward programs Based on FICO Score 8 model and subject to lender terms. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium wireless everybody.

[Giovanni]

Get 3030 better to get 30 better.

[Bald Bryan]

Get 202020 better to get 2020 everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Get 15151515 just 15 buc. So give it a [e-mail] switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new.

[Dr. Bruce]

Customer offer for first three months only.

[Adam Carolla]

Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com look like he just Wrote it on my knee the day before.

[Allison Rosen]

What did he write? This knee up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like whatever their mark is. I mean, I think they write something on it, but it's sort of like what they do with boxing gloves, like when they do the hand wraps, and then they go, all right, I'll sign off on these wraps, because a guy watch the hands being wrapped, and then they'll sign off on the glove. They just sort of. That same thing that the guy does at the security at the airport where he takes a ticket and he takes his highlighter pen and he does a stupid squiggle with his line through it. It doesn't mean anything, but it's his mark somehow. A lot of that. So she's going to do. And got the new anus, huh? Nice. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

She's got her anus, and she's still.

[Dr. Bruce]

Looking for a hospital to take care of the leg anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So lawsuit there. Right. And then what about the incontinent person whose knees never felt better?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, reciprocal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Interesting. Well, to be fair, it's hard to sign an anus because every time you do it, it's like planting a flag.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, what?

[Allison Rosen]

Or like putting a pen in a quill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's like, where do you. Where do you sign that anus? And I mean. I mean, there'd be a series of arrows. I feel like.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do when people ask you to autograph their anuses?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I do. I'll do the hip and then draw an arrow.

[Allison Rosen]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Dotted line.

[Allison Rosen]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Treasure chest, if you will.

[Allison Rosen]

So we're supposed to guess if this was Florida or Germany? Well, based on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Germany or Florida?

[Dr. Bruce]

Germany or Florida?

[Adam Carolla]

Game's called Germany or Florida?

[Giovanni]

Germany or Florida?

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

We're supposed to guess if this is Germany. Florida. It's an old person and bad medical care. I'm going Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels imprecise.

[Allison Rosen]

They care about scat in Germany. They would not make this mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, what do you think?

[Giovanni]

A little detail of the lawsuit made me think. It's American, so Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll go Florida on this one, too. Germany.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

And I was very thrilled with the fact that there was a lawsuit. I thought that would throw you off because.

[Adam Carolla]

Germans.

[Dr. Bruce]

Lawsuit. No, this occurred in Germany. A retiree in Germany.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

Taking a hospital to court.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

I just didn't know you could get your anus replaced. Well, it changes everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of anus, Sounds like a threat. Your drill sergeant would yell at you, right? You Know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna rearrange your face and replace your anus.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Get on your knees, come back and toe your butt.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

And patient has buttocks. Injected with flat tire sealant cement and mineral oil by fake doctor.

[Giovanni]

There's a flat.

[Allison Rosen]

Venezuela, Brazil.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

This individual was.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this Germany or Florida?

[Dr. Bruce]

This is Germany or Florida?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This feels. This is Florida. This gotta be Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did this person live?

[Dr. Bruce]

There have been. Actually in San Diego. There was a death. Somebody was injecting someone with industrial silicone and the person died. But what happened?

[Adam Carolla]

That whole Priscilla Presley thing with the silicone injections and the face stuff. And you know what? I gotta say we're living in a bad time. And the reason we're living in a bad time is all this stuff is going to be like. I was sitting around with my buddy Nick Santoro watching football today, and we talked about the countless arguments we've had with the universal remote. And, you know, here's what happens if you make more than 50 bucks in this town. Some guy will show up at your house and he'll go, you can be floating in your pool and just decide that you want to see the super bowl that hasn't been played yet, and just go ahead and hit the button on this universal remote and pow. Let's say you want to turn the lights on and just. Let's say you want to watch a movie. Want to watch a movie? Hit this button. Curtains will come down, it'll get pitch black. Surround sound will turn on.

[Allison Rosen]

Pool will drain. Seats will emerge.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all there. New anus, everything. And that'll be then smash cut to. You're holding the thing, trying just to hit DVD over and over again, and nothing is happening. Nothing ever. And then all of a sudden, Man Eater just starts blaring through one of the speakers. That's outdoors. And you're like, what? How does this. And they'll tell you, oh, you let. Let's say you're at a party and you're having a conversation and you're in the kitchen. So that's zone two. So you turn that down. But the dance is really picking up out by the pool. That's zone five. So you crank that up. Nothing ever works. It never works. And then you find yourself just having fucking heated arguments with your spouse about it where you're like, what the fuck? Well, why didn't you. Well, he told you how to work. Well, get him back. And it's always good. And whenever they come back it always works magically for them, and it never fucking works. It's a magical box. The pro, the promise. The promises are fucking insane.

[Giovanni]

This is what's playing when you're on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Insane. And it never. Nothing works. Nothing ever works. And our parents didn't have to deal with this because it didn't exist.

[Allison Rosen]

They only had one zone, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Our kids won't have to deal with this because it will be perfected. We're fucking guinea pigs. And I feel like there's a lot of that going around. There's a lot of just. We're in a bad fucking time. And when it comes to, like, plastic surgery, lots of bad boob jobs, lots of bad face jobs, you can see these chicks coming a mile away, that they've had all this work done. This will all be worked out in the future and again before this time, before it existed. Well, that's it. You just grow old. There's no option. Now, looking at Priscilla Presley now there is. So we're in a fucking guinea pig stage of life, and I don't like it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's our generation. When my kids play with iPhones or any kind of technology, it works for them. And they see me trying to mess with something, I can't get it to work right, and it's like, what's. You're an idiot. I know what they're thinking if they don't say it. So, yes, that generation, our generation, I think we're stuck in a. I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Now convinced that I have a. An electric magnetic field, electromagnetic field that surrounds me that up and scrambles almost all. All electronic.

[Allison Rosen]

I lose cell reception when I stand near you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Nothing works correctly. And everybody goes, oh, no, it works fine. Here's what. And it never. Nothing. All right, where were we, Bruce?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, how we. You can go in various directions, but drawing from my case of the week last week. Penile fractures. Penile fractures are, of course, there's not a bone in the penis, but there's a corpus cavernosum.

[Adam Carolla]

Fills up with blood.

[Dr. Bruce]

Fills up with blood, and under great pressure, you can get a rupture of the corpus cavernosum. So you hear a snap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, it's not pressure per se, but.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's more of a trauma, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but it's builds up to sometimes 1100 millimeters mercury pressure.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, like if you were to hang a really heavy coat from it.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it has to be in the erect state where there's.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I mean.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would you hang a coat on a plastic.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sombrero is the funniest thing to hang.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

And so patient. I had. Was having vigorous sex. Penis was dramatically introduced to the pelvic bone of his mate and was interesting. He had immediate swelling detumescence or the peanut.

[Adam Carolla]

Now there's. There's determines.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's a great word.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that word. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like an insecticide.

[Giovanni]

Great punk band.

[Adam Carolla]

D. Two Messes. There's two caverns. Right. Right. And they both fill up sort of like a zodiac raft.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. There's something called the tunic albuginea, which is like a thin fibrous. It's like a bladder.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like it fills up. And then he's getting vigorous.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And he basically. He did one of these moves where he thought he had more penis.

[Dr. Bruce]

Or the woman thought if she's. It's woman on tops of common. Comes out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not as much. They're me.

[Adam Carolla]

Ran out of penis. Came back right into the pelvic bone, which doesn't have a lot of give.

[Dr. Bruce]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Unforgiving.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. Well, the classic scenario is you hear.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it bends and there's a breakage.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's an app as a urologist patient of yours. Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Some patients have likened the sound to the snapping of a Corn Stalker glass rod.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

And indeed, my urologist came in and he was intent on. He asked the guy over and over exactly what he heard. And it turned out in this case, the individual did not hear a snap and he had a rupture.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe his screams were obscuring the sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

But I'm surprised there's no. You know, if you Google.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to see it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Google images.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't want to see it. Okay.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's what I have to see. It's what I have to see day in and day out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, so.

[Dr. Bruce]

But so immediate evaluation in the emergency department for anyone that has this happen. Because if you indeed have a See.

[Adam Carolla]

What if you're like me and you have the Freddy Goes to Hollywood cranked up so loud. So loud that you just literally can't hear anything else.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, if I say eggplant deformity, does that give you any sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

It's that color.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You get a wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

Usually it's uneven on one side where the inside.

[Adam Carolla]

So now what should you do? You gotta go and see urology. Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

To the emergency room. And you have to have exploration. You have to have that. It's just like a football bladder inside of a football. It breaks, it explodes. So that's pretty straightforward. But some of the reviews that were done on.

[Adam Carolla]

How did this song become a hit?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even have a penis and it hurts. Oh, stop. Jesus. What is that sound? Do you have some kind of celery snapping effect over there?

[Adam Carolla]

How did. How did songs get by whatever board there? I. I was on the radio 15 years after this song came out, and it's like, you couldn't say I took a piss. You can say pissed off, but you couldn't say I took a piss. And this is cum laude. It's like Jesus Christ.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a product of the drugs, I think, that were used at the time. Okay, so with penile fractures. Interesting is the cultural aspects of this. In Japan, 19% of cases only are attributed to sexual intercourse. The majority of were reported as a result of masturbation or rolling over in bed onto an erect penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

So that's in Japan.

[Adam Carolla]

Pray it's your own.

[Giovanni]

Like a Kickstarter.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been burned by that a few.

[Dr. Bruce]

Times in Mediterranean companies. Result of patients kneading and snapping the penis during erection to achieve detumescence. So you're getting into some of the religious culture. Kneading, Kneading and snapping.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, who does that?

[Dr. Bruce]

This is Mediterranean country.

[Adam Carolla]

Now how, when you say knead it, you mean like kneading dough, squeezing it.

[Dr. Bruce]

To squeeze out the blood, and then you get. I guess, I mean, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

How. When you're trying to. Trying to become detumescent.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think it's. I don't want to have this erection. I don't want to have the thoughts I'm having. That's my assumption. So we're going to manually detumestly.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna push it, you're gonna work it. You mean like when you're trying to get a drawstring through some sweatpants?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. Oh boy.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna. You're gonna work the blood back into the back in your body.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, That's. That sounds like what they're up to. Resulting in penile fractures. And of course, in Iran, this was the most interesting. Only 8% in Iran of these cases are attributed to sexual intercourse. The remaining cases were due to self manipulation and such things as Donkey bites to the erect penis.

[Adam Carolla]

What? He bites? Donkey bites donkey.

[Dr. Bruce]

A man falling from a mountain onto his erect penis.

[Adam Carolla]

What's a donkey?

[Allison Rosen]

My dad says donkey too. Is this a thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Bricks?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like monkey.

[Dr. Bruce]

A Brick falling onto an erect penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Donkey. Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

And when you're talking about your.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how Shrek pronounced.

[Allison Rosen]

Some people say dunkey, like my dad and Dr. Bruce from the same.

[Dr. Bruce]

Originally New York.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Maybe it's East Portland. My dad's from Brooklyn.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so they say donkey.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But everyone laughs when. When you say it.

[Giovanni]

Adam Dunkin Donuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Must be wild. Now here's donkey.

[Dr. Bruce]

I have a. I have a toilet analogy here.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Now wait a minute, wait a minute. You're saying in Iran there was a donkey bite that created this.

[Dr. Bruce]

In other words, it's unacceptable to be having sexual intercourse and.

[Allison Rosen]

But okay to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, if I'm going into the Iraqi medical facility and I got my choice between telling the doc I was having vigorous sex versus bit by donkey, I'm gonna just go with sex. The shame as that may bring to my family.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but do you want your girlfriend to be stoned to death or the donkey to be stoned to death?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm worried about my junkie at that point and my own self. And I'm not gonna say I was trying to get oral from a donkey. No.

[Dr. Bruce]

But here's another study.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a donkey.

[Dr. Bruce]

Cheating men more likely to suffer penile fractures, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you want to know why?

[Dr. Bruce]

Because they're not that vigorous with their wives.

[Adam Carolla]

As my grandfather would say, A new cock sweeps clean. Yeah. First we're bringing our A game. You know what I mean? Because this is. This is a interview of sorts. Well, first off, with a lot of pent up.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Frustration, sexuality. A lot of love to give certain. Certain guys. Number one. Number two, you got to put your best ball forward in this situation or there may be no more cheating. See what I'm saying? Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, so, Adam West.

[Giovanni]

You mind if I pee?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Okay, go ahead. All this cock.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Talk of cock snapping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all the cocktalk makes sense.

[Dr. Bruce]

And as you leave, let me tell you. Other reports in the world literature include cases resulting from banging an erect penis against a toilet, masturbating into a cocktail shaker.

[Allison Rosen]

How old are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Masturbating into a cocktail shaker and placing.

[Dr. Bruce]

An erect penis into tight pants. These are just reports that physicians get. This is what we deal with. And you have to make sense of what's presented.

[Adam Carolla]

I like my martini shaken, not raped. That's just me, actually.

[Dr. Bruce]

Truth is stranger than fiction, what people do sexually.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the problem. When you're cheating and you injure. Oh, your cock, that's when you go to I was fucking a donkey story. Right. I mean, what do you do when you're cheating and you injure yourself that.

[Dr. Bruce]

Way and then the. If you can keep it from the wife, but when the insurance claim gets to your house, you know you had some sort of urologic surgery for a snapped erection.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So. Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

And foreign bodies and orifices, again, they're rather unusual scenarios.

[Allison Rosen]

But are you saying the basic way this happens is that the woman comes crashing down and misses?

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. And it could be because her estimate, you know, there's sort of a subconscious estimate of the length of the penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. So you should be hurt and insulted.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

If this happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Because not only does, by the way, her subconscious guesstimate of the length of your penis is based on some history.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So she's not used. It's sort of like used to playing softball and then someone hands you a ping pong ball and tells you to throw it. You throw it right down at your feet because your sort of hand is used to being filled up by something.

[Allison Rosen]

Just beware of Kardashians.

[Adam Carolla]

Certain weight. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. But if you're going to, you know, if your penis is going to get into a train wreck, that's the story to tell.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? What happened? I was with one of the Kardashians and pow.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. But it's everything I bring to the show. The take home message here is important that if you have penile trauma, you really need to get to the emergency department quickly because if you don't attend to this promptly, you can have permanent scarring, loss of central function. So.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I feel like this be a good. We'll make a nice seamless segue to Proflowers because if there is any penile trauma, you're going to have to get with my good friends over at Proflowers and smooth this thing over pronto. Proflowers, they got a lot of great holiday deals happening as we speak. I'm just so impressed with these guys. It shows up in a box, you throw it, they give you a little packet and they just dump it in there. Some magical elixir that keeps the flowers fresh for days, nay, weeks. Call 800 proflowers and mention ACE so they know where you heard it. Or you can go online to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner, type in ace. Either way, good guys, good sponsors, and let them know where you heard and you know it's nice. We had some Proflowers floating around the house just for Thanksgiving. Just took them out, put them in a vase, put them on the table.

[Allison Rosen]

Making the other flowers feel bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Floral arrangements. Yeah, it's nice. It's fragrant and all that kind of stuff. It's just. It's nice. It's nice to do for yourself. And again, at the prices that Proflowers offers, you'd be a full fool not to. All right, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll take a quick break, we'll come back, and we'll do Allison and her news. Yeah, good times. Dr. Bruce hanging out. Okay, Dr. Spaz, we'll do some news in one second. I gotta tell you guys something that just steams my bean Yesterday took the kids and the dog to the doggy park. And I don't know the rules of the doggy park other than the dog can't go into the kids playground area with the sand and the swings and everything. And other than that, you just kind of let them go off the leash. And it's just one of those. One of those. Everyone's sort of responsible for their own dog. And if you got a dog that bites other dogs, then you don't take it off the leash. And consequently, all the dogs that are there, they're just running around, are kind of cool dogs because they wouldn't be left off, let off the leash if they weren't. And you know, you're in charge, clean up the dog shit and kind of keeping an eye on it. But it's kind of nice to get off the leash for the dogs and run around with the other dogs. And I. I was there playing with the kids. My daughter, quickly, we. I said, hey, let's bring a football and throw the ball around the park. And my daughter went, soccer. Let's bring a soccer ball, sweetie. Let's bring a football. That'll be a little more fun for us to play catch with. Nah, I want to bring a single as soon as. Of course, the second I think she dug in. Yeah, I want to. No soccer ball. And I was like, not only fucking shitting on your point, she's shitting on my point. And we're fucking having to play soccer. And they're being indoctrinated into this fucking game of Euro wusses. And it's boring as shit. And so it's like, all right, all right, we'll bring the soccer ball. The first thing she did was just punt it and have it roll all the way down the Fucking hill. It punted it to the street and then it just rolled down the hill. And I mean, I have no idea where it is to this day. Ten seconds later I turned my fucking back and it was down the street. And then she, you know, commanded that I would get it. And I was like, it's literally a mile. I don't know. Could have got wedged under a car. I have no idea what car. There's 100 cars parked here. I can't see it. I don't know where it is. It. It's gone and good. I want to play anyway. So the kids went and kids went and played. You know, we're playing with them on the swings and Natalie was barking orders at me about pusher, but not so much and this and that. Walked over and threw a kid off. Like, there was the first move some fat kid was on. I was like, hey, lord ass, move it. I'm getting on this swing. And she went and got on it. And you know, you do that thing where it's like, first thing, you train them to be good kids, but only if the other parents are around, because the other parents aren't around. You're like, fuck it. Like this five year old's gonna talk, you know. But when you see the other dad sitting there like an Italian. So at a certain point, I just look around and I see everybody has their dog on a. On a leash. And Molly, by the way, had went and interrupted an ultimate Frisbee game by just running into the middle of it and laying down, like in the middle, people screaming, whose dog is this? And Natalia had to run after because I had to go out to the car to go get something out of the car. And anyway, so I look around, say everyone's dog's on a leash magically. And then I said to a lady who sort of looked like she knew what she was doing because she was heavyset. I don't know why, but the heavyset.

[Allison Rosen]

Women, they store knowledge in their pet.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what it is? And then on hot days, they just secrete it.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why, but don't ask a hot chick what's going on. She's like, huh, I don't know, I'm not from around here. But you ask, you ask a husky chick what's going on, they'll give you an answer. They'll make one up. That'll happen.

[Allison Rosen]

The thin chicks, they're spending all their energy just trying to keep warm. They can't throw facts in there, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So ask the husky Chick, what's going on? She'll give you an answer. And so I asked the husky chick, what's going on? She's like, ah, rangers here. And I said, what? So what's that mean? Oh, he's gonna be writing tickets for dogs that aren't on leashes. And I was like, oh, shit, really? So I do, of course, the sprint to the car. I left the leash. I just threw the leash in the car. I didn't even know that that rule was there. So I'm sprinting to the car. The ranger truck is pulled up behind the car. Now I'm doing this move where, like, if I pull the leash out and he sees me with the leash running back to the dog. And so I got back and I got Molly on her on her leash. And I said, what's up? I've been here, I don't know, 10 times. I've never had the ranger guy come around with the leash thing. She said, oh, it's neighbors complaining. And I said, neighbors complaining or is this the city trying to make some money? And she said, no, no neighbors complaining. And it wasn't the city making money because the city. The guy made some sort of announcement like, I'm the ranger. I'm here. You know, threw his bullhorn, like, on his truck, like, I'm the dog ranger. By the way, real cops should never stop making fun of these guys. Hey, how many tickets you sign? Giving tickets to Fido lately? Awesome. You're a hero, my friend. Just like the guys who ran in that building on 9 11. So I said, so is this a city? And she said, no, no, no, not the city. These are people, and I know who they are. She said, who are calling these guys in and complaining? And I said, how do you know? And she said, I'm head of the homeowners association or whatever association they had up there, and I know who this is. And there's a couple of people. One of them, thankfully moved out. I always pray they just die, but the one person moved out, and I thought, what the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

And really, could she have been one of them?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, she. She seemed very well versed and knew it and seemed to have the inside dope. And this person did not have a dog in the fight, so to speak. Not. They weren't at the park. They lived around the park somewhere. Went out in the porch, saw that people were playing Frisbee and throwing it to their dog and throwing tennis balls to the dog and get on the floor blower with the ranger and go, go over there and clean it up. And the ranger doesn't really want to do it. So what he does is he shows up and then he announces, if your dog's not on the leash, I will be coming out of my truck or whatever and gives everyone the opportunity to get their fucking dog on a leash. But then I realize, I guarantee I pay 20 times whatever this ass wiper cunt pays in taxes every year. And I'm running for the car to go get the leash, and everyone is running and dispersing and it's that thing of like, hey, people, I'm gonna make you fucking run. I know it's a Sunday. I know you thought you're enjoying the weather with your pup. I know you had a good time with your Frisbee. But guess what? Not so fast. Because I got something called a fucking telephone and I got nothing the fuck else to do. And I'm gonna get on the phone and fucking ruin your afternoon. And there are 40 people at that park that all have to fucking scatter. I mean, there's a fucking Chinese fire drill. Everyone starts running for the leash. And then five minutes later, I look around and my son says to me, where'd everyone go? And I looked around and everyone had left. So everyone just sort of went like, oh, fuck it, we're putting the dog on the leash now. And I can have my dog on a leash anywhere, by the way. I don't need to go to a dog park to have my dog on a leash. I can fucking do that in front of my house. And I bring the dog to the dog park so we can run around with the other dogs and do what dogs love to do and throw the tennis ball and the Frisbee and all that stuff. But some fucking ass wipe got on the fucking phone with Mr. Ranger and everyone just went home. And I just looked around the park and I just. All right, awesome. You took 40 people on a beautiful sunny day on a Sunday in Southern California and you put it right back in the car and sent them home.

[Allison Rosen]

That is a bean steamer.

[Adam Carolla]

Mission accomplished, dick and orc.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're allowed to have dogs off leash at a dog park?

[Adam Carolla]

You can if you don't have cunty neighbors who are fucking going to enforce a law that even the rangers don't want to enforce. It's an unspoken sort of, you know, it's not like speeding or parking in a handicap zone. I would bet you that in the city of Los Angeles it's probably legal to take your dog off the leash at the beach or at the park or even the dog park, it's illegal, but there's a little, we'll look the other way. It's a dog park after all. And everyone's sort of on the honor system except for the ass wipe neighbor who fucking calls and drops a dime and, and it fucking ruins everybody. And my thing is I want that person punched, then punished, then exiled. I want them to fuck out of there. And everyone's like woohoo, calm down, fuck that, fuck that person. And who does that person live with? And it's that person's fault. Cause I understand the serial killer, but the fucking wife that opens the glove box and finds all the strange jewelry and is reading and sees the clippings of the paper of the missing kids and stuff and never drops a dime on the guy. The factory worker who has the van with the plates that have been taken.

[Allison Rosen]

Off and all the pictures with no.

[Adam Carolla]

Eyes on the wall, that is the person that needs to be punished. Because to me there's always going to be serial killers. Whoever lives with the dick and or cunt who's calling that needs to go like, honey, put the phone down. No one's getting hurt over there. It's a nice day, people are enjoying themselves. Now let's get back to trying to solve this crossword puzzle or whatever the fuck we're doing with our horrible dreadful lives. You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is this society, why can't we fucking crush these people? And how come there's not more, how come more people out are fucking outraged by this? This is one person, One person that is essentially walked across the street, went to the dog park, blew a whistle and said, everyone clear out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it makes no sense to me.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's not your fucking backyard.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the thing is that it's not your park. Just avoid the dog park.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh no. And everyone does the. Well, maybe they're first off. Stop apologizing for these people. They're fucking dreadful. They're horrible, horrible people. Don't make apologies for them. They're ass wipes. And this thing of, well they, you know, this thing of, well maybe they, they adhere to the letter of the law. Fuck you and fuck that. They don't give a fuck. They like to manipulate people. They're angry and they're bitter. And as a society we should not let them use the officers of the law as sort of pawns in the retarded chess game.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? That dog ranger has better things to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God damn, so fucking brutal.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let me ask you one thing.

[Adam Carolla]

What? No problem if these people just all died in their sleep tonight? No problem. Problem.

[Dr. Bruce]

Did you ever get the soccer ball?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'll come back to haunt you. Because Natalia will bring that up some point in her adolescence as evidence of dad, you didn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway. Smart. Jesus God damn Christ. Can you believe that fucking new low? I mean, believe me, I know. The shitty neighbor with the turn down the stereo and the call the cops on the New Year's eve party at 9:30 at night. And I've been. I've seen it done. It done. All that. The building inspectors and all that fucking shit. I've had these assholes live around me my whole life. But calling the fucking. Can't go to the fucking dog park now. These people calling the ranger, telling them to put the leash on the dog. Ugh. Fucking people. Please eat a bullet. Just please kill yourself. And I mean it. I'm not being facetious. Fucking kill yourself. You're doing more harm than good. And I. And everyone around you. Who the fuck are the people around you that are letting you pick up that phone? Ugh. Please fucking eat a bullet, would you please? And if this person is your grandfather or your grandmother, put a bullet in their head, would you? Hopefully I'll get on the jury. I'll find out what the circumstances were and you'll be a free man. All right, where were we? Where the fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

I need my song with Allison Rosen.

[Bald Bryan]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Alison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cut it.

[Allison Rosen]

Buyers spent $11.4 billion at retail stores and malls, up nearly $1 billion from last year on Black Friday, according to a report released Saturday by Shopper Track. It was the largest amount ever spent on the day that marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season and the biggest year over year increase since 2007. Online shopping was strong as well, with a 24.3% increase in online spending on Black Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now. Now we have Cyber Monday. That's today, right?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, you guys, I'm not even here right now. I'm online.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what to do. Amazon, people. Loving you with that. Amazon. Yeah, just go to amcroll.com, click on the banner and pow. You're gonna buy anyway. Show some love. As I said it once, I said it again. It's like if Paul Newman salad dressing was exactly the same price as the bargain basement plan salad dressing was. But Money still went to the kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we don't want dry beak love.

[Adam Carolla]

We want wet beak. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's good that Black Friday was so lucrative. However, people lost their fucking minds. A woman turned herself into police after allegedly pepper spraying 20 other customers at a Los Angeles area Walmart on Thursday.

[Adam Carolla]

Shocking. That was at a Los Angeles area.

[Allison Rosen]

Walmart investigators said was an attempt to get at a crate of Xbox video game consoles in North Carolina. A security guard also pepper sprayed customers seeking electronics before the start of the midnight sale. Because, you know, all these stores opened early and people lost their minds evidently when they shopped at this time of night on Thanksgiving.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna take all my money out of utilities and put it in pepper spray.

[Allison Rosen]

You should. Pepper spray is having a renaissance of sorts. Fuck you, Mace.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't shoot anyone anymore. But we have a fucking plethora of assholes, self entitled assholes in this country mixed in with this sort of 911 retarded security bullshit. And everyone with an itchy pepper spray finger. It's gonna be a lot of pepper spray finger being dispersed over the next. And with all this sort of Occupy fill in the blank, I know there's gonna be a lot of pepper spray going around. That'd be a smart move. Put that money in pepper spray. Forget about a billion more spent this year than last year. How much more pepper spray has been put out in the atmosphere over the last two years versus the first 20 years it was around getting happy with the pepper spray and then eventually we're all gonna have pepper lung.

[Allison Rosen]

I know the only thing you can counter that with is balsamic vinegar lung.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll have a pepper winter where it gets up into the solar sphere and it blacks out the sun. A lot of pepper spray going around.

[Allison Rosen]

I know seasonal season things. Yeah. Did you see that video of Occupy Davis? It was in Davis, California, which is usually a peaceful bicycling kind of town. And the officer came up to these protesters who were just sitting there locking arms. I mean, they were told they had to move and they didn't. He waved his arm with a flourish and then just sprayed them with this sticky orange duper spray right in their face. It's pretty upsetting.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Here's what I don't get. Speaking of shit, fuck stick, shit cunt, fuck ass neighbors. I had a buddy, I think it was Dan Dratch, he's been on the show before, he said to me, hey man, I'm going to New York for a couple of weeks and I got My car out here, and I got, like, an apartment. I don't have any place go to put the car. Can I just kind of drop the car off at your place? And I said, yeah, yeah. And I parked it in my driveway of my second house. And then a certain point, I was doing something, and I moved it out and just parked it in front of my. In front of the party house. Remember, Dr. Bruce just parked it in front of the party house. And it was there for more than three days. And it got towed, and then I had to pay.

[Allison Rosen]

What kind of car was it?

[Adam Carolla]

It was a fucking Miata. I had to pay for the towing because even though I was doing the guy a favor, I still got the guy's car tow day he was coming home from New York. So here's the thing. Whenever we do this, like, hey, man, we can just go ahead and take some blue plastic and a couple of mop handles and pitch tent on the steps of the White House or the steps of the mayor's house or the steps of the city Council or the steps of the. Whatever building or the sidewalk in front of the Los Angeles Library. And there's no law. It's like, well, wait a minute. We have a law for everything, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You're saying these people essentially got towed?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying we should tow them. Like, you park your car on a city street, and it doesn't move for, like, more than 24 hours or 48 hours, it'll get ticketed, and then it'll get towed. It's not like, hey, man, this is city street. Hey, man, my car's registered. No, no, no, no. We have rules for everything. That's the part of this stuff I don't get. You have a fucking thousand hobos shitting up in front of the. You know, in front of the city councils, whatever. And we was like, hey, man, what do you mean, hey, man, get the fuck out of here? I mean, you should be able to protest. It should be able to march, and you should be able to do whatever you want to do. But hanging out. My car's not allowed to hang out in front of my house, but you are. Maybe I'll just go out there.

[Allison Rosen]

I see what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Next time Dratch goes to New York, I'm just gonna go sit down. I'm gonna lay down in the street.

[Allison Rosen]

But the Pepper Spring incident is upsetting.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give a fuck. Everyone's fine, right? Is everyone fine?

[Allison Rosen]

One woman said, I don't know if it was there or in Another place, she said that she miscarried because of the situation, but then it came out that she wasn't the most good one for Bruce. Yeah, yeah, we have a doctor in here.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, well, you know, if you threaten miscarriage, you tell him pelvic rest and, you know, stay home.

[Allison Rosen]

But what happens if you get pepper spray?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain something. Those guys are impervious to pepper spray because of the patchouli factor. The fucking patchouli oil is so fucking thick in the air over there that literally pepper spray is a gift. It's like, ah, finally you brought the perfume.

[Allison Rosen]

So wait, have you ever. Have you ever been around pepper spray, though? Because there's been twice in my life that I've inhaled. I don't know if it was mace or pepper spray or whatever. I wasn't like right there. I was near it and it's noxious.

[Adam Carolla]

I got plum pied once.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Let's not go back to that place.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been tased. I've been tasered. Oh, you know, with the ones with the barbs on them and stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that as part of a show.

[Adam Carolla]

You were doing or it was a.

[Allison Rosen]

Crime you were committing?

[Adam Carolla]

Tell that to my central nervous system. And I mean, it's still tased as taste. Like whether you're making off with a bag of Cheetos or you're doing a Mancho bit, you still taste sort of the same when, like, getting attacked by police dogs. Tell that to the dog. It's just a bit, right? Don't take me, bro. Don't take me.

[Allison Rosen]

But back to people losing their mind on Black Friday in New York, crowds looted a clothing store in soho. At a Walmart near Phoenix, a man who was a grandfather was bloodied while being subdued by a police officer on suspicion of shoplifting a video game. There was a shooting outside a store in San Leandro, California. Shots fired at a mall and at in Fayetteville, N.C. and a stabbing outside a store in Sacramento. That's why I don't leave my house.

[Adam Carolla]

I know they have some pretty good hymen busting deals over there. And they call it door busters, but.

[Allison Rosen]

They call it hyman busters.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not? That's a better deal.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd rather bust a hyman than a door. You'd hurt your shoulder busting a door and bragging rights? Sure, sure. And you know, I would like to.

[Allison Rosen]

Have my cherry popped on a great sale.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Cherry popping hymen buster doors. Dale's. And I understand there's some flat screens going around at discounted prices and stuff like that. But is it really worth the 4am and the pilgrimage? And listen, look, I've said it once, say it a thousand times. Don't give me that fucking oh, you have money, you're out of touch, you don't know what it's like. Bullshit. I would fucking pour my whole life, my whole fucking life and I didn't act like an ass wipe. Yeah, I never camped out to save a nickel. Like even, even when I was pouring and I was always pouring shit, I never went like, I'm worth a nickel an hour. My time. Words now, of course never said, I.

[Allison Rosen]

Don'T get out of bed for more than a nickel.

[Adam Carolla]

I did things. I mean, of course you do things to save money because you have to. And you know, you end up eating at a lot of shaky bunch of lunches and things like that. You know, you don't eat out for sushi. Brian's the only poor guy I know that eats a ton of sushi. I don't know how he works that out.

[Allison Rosen]

The point is he gets day old sushi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you do certain things, you know, that makes sense. But fucking kill yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

This, I think was for people who love the idea of going to Target in the middle of the night and hunting for deals. I don't think my suspicion is this is not people who really needed the deals as much as people for whom. This sounded like a fun thing. Whereas it sounds like hell to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Why the huge throng of people love shopping?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't, I don't know. I just know that people planned for it for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand this is a sort of a thrill of the chase kind of a thing, but like, what are you.

[Allison Rosen]

Going to get a three pack of socks for a dollar less than you would pay normally.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing I can think of is if they have a 42 inch plasma television that's usually $799 and it's now going for 399. Then you go, all right, I'm going to save 400 bucks and I'll. I don't know if they have that. That's the only excuse because getting Nikes for 29 instead of $32, that ain't me pulling all nighter.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway, under, you know, when I'm in charge, not only will I have the person who called the doggy patrol guy and had everyone put the leash, I'll have her fucking put down ironically. The kennel, right? Yeah. You're Gonna get put down.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you gonna take a moment with her?

[Adam Carolla]

Unless some asshole claims you. Unless some asshole rescues you, people will.

[Allison Rosen]

Hit Twitter and be like, urgent, save this woman.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna put you down. I do that. And also do I do that thing where I go free cockfight for Raiders fans and I arrest every deadbeat dad that comes into the Coliseum? Is that one. I would arrest these people as well.

[Allison Rosen]

The shoppers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Part of the problem. You're not helping.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

It may not be felons, but you're up to something. And it ain't good.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's sort of like a curfew. I believe they had that in Nazi Germany. You know, you go around and if they're not in their bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Kmart. Not. This is the night where I go out to Kmart and Roundup.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. If they're not in their bed at like 4am on Thanksgiving.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. My first Day of the Union speech is gonna be just me and a fucking chalkboard. Like that UPS guy. His hair's too long. He's kind of handsome, but it's kind of creepy because his hair's too long. He does a drawing. Seen that commercial? I don't know what happened. What happened to that guy? Brian?

[Giovanni]

He had a whiteboard in the animation. He went away.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Giovanni]

Get rid of him.

[Adam Carolla]

I liked him. Great commercials. I wish he went to fucking Fantastic Sam's and did something with that hair.

[Giovanni]

It wasn't salting the hair. I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I'll do the thing like this. I'll go get the big whiteboard, and I'm just going to one Sharpie and I'll draw a line right down the center of the whiteboard and I'm going to go look. It's going to be pretty simple, folks. This is a huge Viking ship. And you're either going to be holding an oar and you're going to be paddling, or you're going to be dead weight. This side of the board is dead weight. This side is paddling with an oar. You paddle with the oar. You will be greatly rewarded. You're fucking sitting around eating Cheetos and adding weight to the fucking ship. So the guys who are paddling have to paddle harder. You're going in the drink. That's it.

[Allison Rosen]

This is your first speech as ruler of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. Any questions? And by the way, whenever someone says, any questions? Half the time they drop the chalk and walk away. So it's like, what if someone did Have a question.

[Allison Rosen]

And then there's everyone who wants to leave there and use the restroom. And there's that one goody goody, which is a term I haven't used in a really long time. Who has their hand up? You're like, ah, put your hand down, Susan. What do you need to find out?

[Adam Carolla]

Half the time someone says, any questions? They drop the mic and walk away.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, maybe they mean it, like, at the end of those, you know, dare to keep your kids off drugs commercials. Like, any questions? Maybe they mean in a sassy way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, as a matter of fact, they do. That's all I'm. You know, that's all I'm saying. So that's what I'll be doing when I'm in charge.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, what I've been noticing lately is the weird rhetorical tick where people explain something, and then they say, now, what do I mean by that? And then they explain it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Explain it the first time.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

A third accuser has come forward in the investigation of child molestation allegations against an assistant basketball coach at Syracuse University. Zach Tomaselli. Yeah, there's a. There's a situation in Syracuse. Zach Tomaselli said Sunday that he told police that an associate head coach, Bernie Fine. Do you know anyone good named Bernie? No, I don't either.

[Adam Carolla]

Kosar. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

But even that's a push.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he seems like a decent guy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Bernie Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Outfielder, foreigner, Bernie Fine molested him in 2002 in a Pittsburgh hotel room. He said Fine touched him multiple times in that one incident. Tomaselli's father, meanwhile, maintains his son is lying. Two former Syracuse ball boys were the first to accuse Fine, who has called the allegations patently false.

[Adam Carolla]

I just saw this, like, inside Sports or something. A real sports Brian Gummel about this. It was a legendary Australian tennis player who was a coach to all these girls, and he was having sex with all them and all that kind of stuff. And the thing that's crazy about every one of these stories is the woman is 40 now, but she'll go, I was 13. I remember it very well because we're on our way to our first tournament, and he was driving. He pulled out his penis. He asked me to touch it. Then he asked me to kiss it. Then they go in this very long, detailed explanation of exactly what happened because it's seared into their psyche. And then when they interview the guy, he's like, I don't know what she's talking about. It's like, really? This Is total fabrication. And by the way, if, in fact, you don't know what she's talking about and this never happened, this would be the worst human being on the face of the. On the planet. This would be the worst person on earth. Like, if they don't painstaking detail about how you came up behind them on the tennis court, wrapped your hands around them, told them you're gonna be mine, told them to get rid of the letter that they sent, told them not to tell them if you just completely fabricated all this crazy detail, which you cannot do, by the way. People. People are. They're incapable of. They're incapable of that kind of detail. I mean, unless they're, you know, Unless they were in the groundlings for nine years special molestation class with Cynthia Sageti. The point is, they can't come up with that kind of fucking detail. And then secondly, what. What's their motivation? Get. Get sued. Yeah. Because if it didn't happen, you're sued. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to national television and talking about being molested, and the guy's answer's always like, I don't know about that. Yeah. They have no memory of that.

[Allison Rosen]

And they never really have much outrage over it. It's more like, hey, do you remember when you had a great scoop of rocky road? I don't remember.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna do?

[Allison Rosen]

Which is not how you would really be responding if the thing was a complete fabrication.

[Adam Carolla]

If my catholic little brother started doing, you know, news. Nate started doing news shows, explaining about how when we drove together and my Isuzu trooper for my home in La crescenta, how I would, you know, pull my penis out and expose it to him and ask him to kiss it and stuff like that. I'd be like. I'd be fucking insane. You could not get a soap, huh?

[Giovanni]

You be Nate. I'll be. I'll be you as the typical denier.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? And I said, I'll be Nate. Now who am I telling?

[Giovanni]

The torture. Describe the torture.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then I don't even want to call him Adam. Mr. Corolla pulled out his penis. I don't know about that. And he told me to touch it. I don't know about that. And I remember him using a McDonald's shake. His lube. What are you gonna do? It was that time of year. I think it was a shamrock shake. And he told me that if I ever told anybody, and he actually was smart because he said, told anyone, or 20 years later, told a news outlet about it, like 20, 20, 48 hours, anything with a number in it. I don't know about that. 60 minutes tell that that he would hurt somebody in my family very badly. Let the baby have his bottle right now. If I heard that, of course I'd be like, what? What? First thing I'd be like, I'm fucking pissed. Like, that's bullshit. I drove that kid to the fucking beach and bought him Taco Bell number one. Number two, press conference. Not. I can't be reached for comment. Yeah, that would not be.

[Giovanni]

Reach me. I'd like to comment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Yeah, yeah, he's a big boy. So. Bobby Davis, who's now 39, told ESPN that fine molested him beginning in 1984 and that the sexual contact continued until he was around 27, a ball boy for six years. Davis told ESPN that the abuse occurred at Fine's home, at Syracuse basketball facilities and on team road trips, including the 1987 Final Four. Davis stepbrother Mike Lang, also a ball boy, told ESPN that Fine began molesting him while he was in the fifth or sixth grade. Syracuse placed Fine on paid administrative leave when the accusations surfaced. And as of today, they let him go.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to train my son. I have to say, like, listen, Sonny, if anybody, an adult or not, touches you in any kind of way, you must immediately tell me, unless I'm watching tv, in which case I need you to talk to your mom or the nanny. You know what, Go to the nanny, let her see if I'm watching tv, and then at the appropriate time, let's say during a commercial timeout or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's because you care.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. Make sure and tell the nanny. That's my point.

[Allison Rosen]

And I should say that Thomas Sally, who's the third accuser who came fourth recently, he is involved in. There's charges against him from a 14 year old boy. So he's involved in his own scandal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the accuser.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, one of the accusers.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because that's what we always talk about. The reason this is so insidious is because it creates more monsters that then spread out and do this to more people.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

As I'm sure the original guy does. And then that brings you to this moral dilemma. What do you do to the guy who at some point was a scared, crying nine year old victim at some point in their life?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't let them work with kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the moral thing. Especially by the way, back in the 50s or 60s when you certainly couldn't tell anybody about this shame. Do you know what I mean? So this. It's the horrible gift that keeps giving. It creates more of these predators. And this is why it really needs to be stopped. Because I don't know what the data is, and I don't think anyone knows, because we don't care to look into this as a society. But I would bet you that the average pedophile gets hold of 30 kids, at least. And I'll guarantee at least five of those go on to do things to other people. And then a percentage of those people, and it's like a fucking commercial for Shampoo that I can't remember, and so on. And so they told two friends.

[Allison Rosen]

Audio.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Was released today of Bernie Fine's wife, Lori Fine, on the phone with Bobby Davis, who's one of the. One of the accusers.

[Dr. Bruce]

And they're women from 2002.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, we're gonna get to that. Oh, no, it's okay. And they're talking. So she knew what was happening. She also evidently knew.

[Adam Carolla]

The wife knew.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But she also had a sexual relationship with Davis. And espn, the wife. Yeah. Also slept with him.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. A lot of range in that family, really.

[Allison Rosen]

And they gave ESPN. ESPN had this audio back in 2002. So people are wondering, well, why did nothing happen with it? But they're saying that they didn't have it. They need. They couldn't find anyone to corroborate it. But.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, my new policy, by the way, if anyone tries to hand me anything, I'm like, if that's audio or video footage of someone being molested, keep walking. I don't want. I don't want any part of this. Cause I'll get fucking thrown under the bus, too. I don't care if the UPS guy.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? Don't ever become an assistant coach.

[Adam Carolla]

Never.

[Allison Rosen]

Or named Bernie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. UPS guy's gonna hand me a box. I'm like, not so fast. What's in it? Cause I don't want any. I don't want any culpability five years from now. Carolla, you had the tape. You didn't say anything. Go ahead. Sorry. What does he want for that? He wants you to grab or.

[Allison Rosen]

He wanted to do you.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted to do me.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, stop. He. At age 27, Davis went to Bernie Fine and asked for a loan for help with his student loan. Repaying his student loans. So what they're talking about is she's saying, you know, what did he want in exchange for this money? So go back to it.

[Adam Carolla]

When he gave you the money, what did he want. For that?

[Allison Rosen]

He wanted you to grab or he.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wanted to do you.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted to move. Well, he wanted me to touch him, too. He tried to make me touch him.

[Allison Rosen]

A couple times and grab my hand.

[Adam Carolla]

And then pull away. And then he put me in your bed, and then, you know, put me down and I'll try to go away. And he put his arm on my chest because. Money and stay here, you know. Right, Right. He just had this nasty attitude because he didn't get his money, nor did he get what he wanted. No, it's not stimuli. It's about the. You know that. So you're.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just telling you for your own.

[Adam Carolla]

Good, you're better off just staying away.

[Dr. Bruce]

From him during the call.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, we can stop it now.

[Adam Carolla]

That's there.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's, you know, quite a bit more to it than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. That's a good woman. Lynette would never do that for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? She wouldn't. She wouldn't. Chalk it up to your nasty attitude and your. The fact that for you, it's about the dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised at all these wives that sort of.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. She goes on to say, you know, he should just go to somewhere where gay boys hang out because he needs male companionship. He. He doesn't want. This is paraphrasing, but roughly, he doesn't want me, and, you know, he's. I don't do it for him. And vice versa. But she says vice versa.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? I prefer vice versa.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's up there with irregardless.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't make sense. It's unnecessary, but I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Okay. It's your prerogative. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Did vice versa just get shortened to vice versa or is one.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have time for vice versa.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't either. It's. It's. It's. It's more. It's an extra laugh.

[Allison Rosen]

I say vice versa.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm even that way with, like, stuff like bought and sold. You know, like, people go, I could buy and sell you. I just say buy. Yeah, sells. Implied. I mean, if you own something.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it says that about a car. I could buy this car, then I could sell it. Yeah, no shit car. You bought it.

[Allison Rosen]

And in this economy, who knows?

[Giovanni]

You all seem too eager as a seller, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, like I always say, I'd threaten to buy you and lease you. Also that one where they go, you can run, but you can't hide. Yeah, you can. Yeah. It's more like you can run and then you'll hide and then I'll find you. Yeah, certainly you can hide.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't prevent anyone from hiding.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no. What kind of powers do you have where you can make it so the person can't hide?

[Adam Carolla]

No part of being an American is hiding. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

You have the right to hide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. See, buy and sell needs to be shortened. I could buy and sell you. That should just be. I could buy you and then. And by the way, buy you 100 times over is also a little redundant too, because once. Once. You wouldn't do that with a Volvo, would you? I could buy that Volvo 100 times over. Like, I just buy it once.

[Allison Rosen]

Or buy a hundred Volvos, but don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Buy one by the same one. That's stupid. Any financial planner would tell you that.

[Allison Rosen]

You would advise against that. You shouldn't be making that kind of purchase if that's your business.

[Adam Carolla]

They would fucking frown upon that activity. So we should take, Take, buy and sell. Just take it to buy. But we should also lengthen. You can run and you can hide, but then I'll find you. That one needs to be spread out a little bit. Whereas the buy and sell. So let's shorten up the buy and sell and then the run and hide. It'll be the same length exactly. It'll come out in the wash. It'll be even enough. And also, I don't need the handwriting on the wall. Just say writing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Plus no one really knows cursive anymore. Handwriting is being phased out. You could see the email on the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Projected up there. By the way, speaking of technology. GoToMeeting. See, nice and smooth. I could buy and sell GoToMeeting, but I just buy them and keep them because I love them so much. GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix. Host meetings online from your computer. While attendees join from any computer or get this iPad. This is what I like. You can do a free GoToMeeting app. They can join from the iPhone. The Android. Yeah, works with that mobile device too. IPad, iPhone, Android pop right onto your meeting. You can email invitation and instantly join. It is that easy? Go to meeting. You can try it for free. Go to meeting. Free. It's free. 30 days. It's free. Free for 30 days. You can go to the app Store and the Android Market and download. Or I should say Android market and download the free app, then visit GoToMeeting.com. try it free. Use the button and let them know Adam sent you. That's right. Type in Adam in the promo code. Gotomeeting. All right, and again, it is Cyber Monday. So if you're gonna shop online, show us a little Amazon love, and let's keep the pirate ship afloat, me mateys. Philadelphia, gonna be the Keswick Theater this Thursday in Philly. Back to Philly. Everybody had a great time last time I was there. Back to Philly, the Keswick Theatre. Detroit, Royal Oaks or Oak. I should say theater this Friday. And Chicago Park West. Always a good time at the Park West. Chicago, Denver, Paramount Theater this Sunday. That's enough for now. Check out some dates. I'm doing a lot of them in December, So go to AdamCroll.com and check out those live dates. Dr. Spaz, you got something you want to give out besides horrific advice?

[Dr. Bruce]

Hey, I had a bunch more rhetorical information.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Adam crow for Paul, Dr. Spaz and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't want to have this erection. I don't want to have the thoughts I'm having.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Kuleshow 708 with Dr. Bruce. Coming up for our next clip, we have Adam Kuleshov, 716.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry Miller, Allison Rosen. Brian Bishop. 2010. The. This one's a classic. Good day, bald Brian.

[Bald Bryan]

Hey, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Sup? Learn Miller.

[Bald Bryan]

Hi, pal. G look strong and handsome tonight. Hi, Allison. G look pretty tonight. Hi, Brian. Gee, you look well. Hi, everyone. Hey, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Sup? Everyone loves Larry Miller and, of course, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Let's see. Did the Tonight show today? Tonight.

[Bald Bryan]

Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was all right. Could have been better. Couple of segments. First one. This is weird. It was like Neil diamond was playing. By the way, Neil diamond now looks normal for some reason at age 72.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, he's grown into his looks.

[Adam Carolla]

He has. He's just. His hair looks normal. He looks normal. He looks like Neil Diamond. Before, he always looked like a Neil diamond impersonator. Jimmy's idea was cubic zirconia as the name of his Neil diamond impersonating band. But yeah, there's. Now look how normal Neil diamond looks. He looks. Actually, he looks like. I'm trying to think, a cross between Sam Donaldson. He looks sort of like Sam Donaldson and also the guy from the original Mission Impossible series or something. There's an actor sort of looks like Dan Hill or Stephen Hill, something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks like a Sir. Sir Neil Diamond.

[Adam Carolla]

But Neil diamond looks sort of distinguished. Now, Whereas Neil diamond was always like, oh, boy, Neil Diamond. Uh, oh, we all have that drunken aunt who loves Neil diamond. And oh boy. And now he's like Neil diamond, elder statesman. Yeah. He's playing his acoustic guitar. He's doing it. He's doing Solitary man, but he's doing sort of a toned down acoustic version of Was. It was nice.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way, the. The young lady in the middle has a very distinguished look herself. And now that I've. Now that I'm off Kim Kardashian.

[Allison Rosen]

You're talking about her boobs or her butt.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I need someone in. In the dark haired world. Now that I'm off Kim Kardashian.

[Allison Rosen]

That's jumping from face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

My mom was kind of like a Neil Diamond. She followed him around.

[Adam Carolla]

Your mother followed Neil diamond around?

[Dr. Bruce]

Absolutely. Screamed at concerts, backstage pictures, the whole thing. Like, followed him around like I follow Fish around.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yep. But. Well, wait a second, because your study, your family's a study and contrasts here. It costs money to follow around Neil Diamond. Yeah. Unless you're just talking about a parking lot. You and six of your.

[Dr. Bruce]

Your old lady friends are sharing one Motel 6 room.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know, it.

[Dr. Bruce]

It evens out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You still got to get a ticket. Is she. Was she one of the people he was talking to? And he said, hey, tree people. I love you, tree people.

[Dr. Bruce]

The Greek.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. Yeah, yeah, that would have been your mom up in a tree. Yeah. Getting a free seat at the Greek.

[Giovanni]

You know, lynch does look a little like Neil Diamond.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

How many people were in that hotel room? Yeah, well, anyway, I was out there. Not. Not tonight's show. Normally great audience. Not. Not a fantastic audience for the Ace man. Not one of his better showings. I was told after the show. I was like, it was weird. The audience was kind of quiet and a little bit older and whatever. And they said they're here to see Neil Diamond. And I thought, oh, oh, the half.

[Giovanni]

That half. Lea Michele.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not. Not exactly.

[Giovanni]

High and low.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm high and low.

[Bald Bryan]

You know, it will always be the same. Seriously, guys like us who go out there because. Did you have a friend there with you? Because you always need someone to say, here's what happened. Don't get in your head, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had Jay tell me that, actually. Yeah, no, actually two segments. First one was kind of flat. Second one was actually pretty good. Picked up a little bit. But no, I just. You walk out, Larry, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You walk out and you feel it like it's the same thing when I used to play football. You play the other team. First snap, you line up, and they all fire off the ball in unison, and they stay on their blocks. Even though you're 20 yards away from the play and the guy's trying to drive you into the ground. And then everyone pops up and runs back to the huddle and you think, uh, oh, long night. This is gonna be long. It's gonna take a little while. This is not gonna be easy. And it's that way where you go and you sit down and you tell a joke and you get a little smattering of chuckles and you think your brain, one part of your brain is loading up for the next story joke or whatever, and the other part of your brain goes, long night. This. We're gonna be here for a while.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm telling you, though, because, you know, all teasing aside about everything else, we're brothers on this and we always will be, and you should never. It's. It's a weird thing, that Tonight show, especially everyone I know, everyone you know, the Tonight show is always different. It's not like any other show out there. There's always something in the head that's going to be different about that. But going over to NBC, and that's why the times I've made a mistake, and it's been a bunch of times where I booked something after that, like a job somewhere, and you're driving down to a club in San Diego, and you realize this is a big mistake because you need to decompress. There's something about the Tonight Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird. Well, not that my kids got suspicious because I normally don't pay attention to them at dinner anyway, but you do. You get up in your head and you start sort of walking through it, and it wasn't that bad. It was just the last time I was there, I don't know, three months ago, was rock and roll. So it's this weird thing where you think, well, what's changed in the last two and a half months? I think I did the show whenever I flew home on Jay's jet when we were out doing the casino out in. Wherever the boardwalk is over there. I can't remember where the hell we were.

[Allison Rosen]

Atlantic City.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think we're Atlantic City. I don't know. Four months, three and a half, four months ago, whenever it was. But, yeah, it'll just change and you'll just go, oh, not my crowd. But I'm making it worse than it is. It's Just you get spoiled when you have your rock and roll nights because you think I can do no wrong. And then you sit down and you go, well, this ain't happening.

[Allison Rosen]

But is the TV viewers who you really want to appeal to, don't you think, opposed to those couple hundred people.

[Adam Carolla]

You do, but a. They feel it at home watching too. Cuz part of it is what you're saying, they'll do that part. But the other part is just how's it going? And then the other part is you. And I don't know if Larry Miller is any different than I am on this. I am sort of like one of those cheap figurines that moves on movement. So like sit there and if someone walks in flower, yeah, I'll start moving. And if you don't move, I'll slow down. So the more I get out of you, the more I kick it up. Thus we have what we call positive cycle. Whereas, and it's taken me a while to sort of figure this out, which is that sort of muddle on through, like, well, not getting what I want out of these people. But that's not going to. Normally it's wildly distracting to me. Like I'll just go like, oh shit, what am I doing here? This I actually pushed on through. Which is something I think that a guy like Larry probably does with experience. Because not every night's gonna be your best.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the audience's best.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? Again, as much as I love teasing and being, I'm the comedy deprogrammer tonight, and I can tell you this, number one, you're exactly right. You gotta blast on through and you're performing for the guy on the couch in the house. And I'll bet you a dollar though, the irony of all comedy performing is that I'll bet you a dollar, this shot comes up in the next couple of years, people will say, hey, you were great. I saw you on the Tonight Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Because that's how inverted everything gets. I'm telling you, we're all the same. The head, the heart, everything. And that's why in the future, if you want any Tonight show, no matter how great it is, go out for a drink instead.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm gonna do that. And good news though, it was like, it was like one of these things out of a movie where Jay did what he normally does. He's covered head to toe in denim and he comes into the dressing room before the show and we're just sitting around talking about radio, podcast, book, blah, blah, blah, just shooting shit and somebody goes, jay, there's a phone call for you. And he goes, oh, okay. I have to take. Yeah, hold on a second. He walks out. He walks about 20ft down the hall, talks on the phone. Gotcha. Hangs the phone up, comes back in, sits down. My McLaren's in. He mentions which is the coolest if you can find the new McLaren. I went and looked at this car. It's monocoque, carbon fiber body with the. With the aluminum clips front and back, like it's the coolest car on the planet. But it's the idea that three minutes into my conversation with him, there's a $240,000 car. The McLaren's in. Jay. All right, we'll pick it up tomorrow. Anyway, what were we talking about? You got a little book. How'd that book go? Now, it started in paperback or. Yeah, the new McLaren. Which is.

[Allison Rosen]

It's also a high end stroller.

[Adam Carolla]

The McLaren. Really? They make a stroller?

[Bald Bryan]

Is it.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think it's the same McLaren.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's spelled the same way.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I don't know. Someone pull up the stroller?

[Adam Carolla]

He then went on to tell me that Rowan Atkinson.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. Am I getting the whole thing? Right? The english actor.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean had the old McLaren M1 or whatever it was.

[Giovanni]

I would love to see that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Bean had the old McLaren. Mr. Bean got it off the road and, you know, hit a tree or something. And then Jay said, how much do you think the estimate was? There's Mr. Bean's McLaren. He said, how much do you think the estimate was to repair Mr. Bean's McLaren? Now, he didn't say how much to fix it. How much for the actual estimate? If you look at this McLaren, it's probably a multimillion dollar car. Now, Jay has one of those as well. But what I'm saying is this is.

[Allison Rosen]

What you're paying someone to give you an estimate.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the piece of paper that I'm going to hand you that is an itemized. Your firstborn Itemized receipt of what? Or not receipt, but an itemized list of all the pieces it's going to take to get that McLaren back to what it was. It was $75,000.

[Allison Rosen]

For the paper.

[Adam Carolla]

For the paper. For the paper. And I said, why?

[Allison Rosen]

And he said, well, the calls are written on.

[Giovanni]

Email it to me.

[Adam Carolla]

So it comes with a hole in it and you get to fuck Jessica Simpson through it.

[Giovanni]

Small price to pay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No, suddenly Larry's exhibiting. Larry perked up and aired that he just woke up.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm awake now. That's important to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, $75,000 for an estimate. He said, well, all the parts are handmade in one off. So to itemize the amount of time it would take to go, here's the part you need, and here's what needs to be sourced, and here's who needs to make it. And every single part. I mean, imagine if you just took your Ford Taurus and you fucked up your Ford Taurus royally. Except for every single part on that Taurus needed to be made in some fabrication shop. There was no going online and finding it. Can you dig it?

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. You know what? That does it. Because one of my kids asked for a McLaren and I am not getting one.

[Adam Carolla]

No mas. Now he's 12. Anyway, that's the old one, which is a lot more expensive than the new one.

[Allison Rosen]

How much does one cost?

[Adam Carolla]

The new one, which is insane, is cheap relatively, at about $235,000. The old one, they don't make enough of them, or they didn't make enough of them. I don't know what they made. And I think you guys can look at a McLaren F1. I think they made them like 91, 92 or something like that. I think you're probably talking about $2 million, maybe $2.5 million.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but hold on a second. That if you get the sport package, they throw in a free estimate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, Jay. It's one of those things where it makes you hate rich people, because Jay probably got his base price back in for $322,000. Something which my mom would have said, are you nuts? Throwing away three hundred and something? Thousand dollars on a car? Well, now it's worth 2 7. So there you go.

[Bald Bryan]

Now, those have the automatic panty remover, don't they, for the passenger seat.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a vacuum that's built into the seat. Let's see. Can you find. Yeah. Made between 92 and 98, the F1. And promote. I don't know how many they made.

[Allison Rosen]

This one was around $970,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what it retailed for in 98. But the question is, how much could you get one for now? And it's a lot more than 970. Whatever. Thousand dollars.

[Allison Rosen]

Twice that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's a couple million bucks.

[Giovanni]

When you're making cars of that value, you're making them to order. Right. Like you're making for someone. You're not making them on spec, are you?

[Adam Carolla]

They'll make a batch sometimes of Like a small batch of, like, 30 cars. And they know they'll be gobbled up.

[Giovanni]

How do they take orders for that? How do you possibly sell something like that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how rich guys know what other rich guys are doing. It's kind of like the guys who build those yachts. And I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I know a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of this can just be cleared up with two words. Saudi Arabia. Like when you do that sort of.

[Giovanni]

Oil money when the sultan is.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. The McLaren F1 brings $4 million price tag at auction. Well, there you go. Four million. I grossly undervalued it. That's.08 now. Things have changed in the economy. I don't know. And then someone would go, well, are you nuts? You're buying a $3 million car. Well, I'll bet you in 10 years it's worth six.

[Giovanni]

Things were pretty bad in late October. 08.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, maybe it is pretty bad. $4 million car now, I don't think they're that much. Sometimes ones go at auction a little more. Sometimes there's a story, a history. Somebody owned it. Liz Taylor probably owned that one. See her doing donuts in the parking lot if.

[Allison Rosen]

With her little dogs.

[Bald Bryan]

If that heater blasts out, a mouse smell at any point, you know, like in any other car.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

I'd be so mad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And suddenly it's like that rotten baby powder smell that. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. Somebody's got to do something with the cars and the rodents because they love the heat that the engine produces, especially on nights like tonight. And we had a. I don't know what it was. Mouse, rat, whatever. One up and ate my entire. My wife's. Under the hood, they have that sort of quilted hood heat shield that's under there. Went to the dealer, 1300 bucks. Wanted to kill that rat. Not that I wouldn't have killed it anyway, even if it had done nothing. But, yeah, it was 13. I mean, I didn't buy one. I was like, get the duct tape, baby. But, yeah. All right, so now you guys know how rich people live. Larry Miller in studio. We'll do our hypothetical road trip with Larry coming up. Speaking of money. Jesus. Currently one for sale for three. Seven. So that's a deal. There you go. My dog Molly is like, oh, boy. Had the cataract surgery. Spending another night. And I know all I can do. You have the sound of the slot machine, because that's all. You know, I'm just sitting there. I just listen. I'm Scared to pick up the phone. You know, I just listen and I hear my wife saying, so. Oh. So they made a lens for her. And so it's like a bionic lens. That's awesome. And so. Oh, micro stitches. Okay. Okay. Right. So she needs to stay there. They need to monitor for another 72 hours. Okay. So she needs to be. She'll need to stay there then. Okay. And the diabetes is. Okay, so you've got the diabetes under control. Okay. She's okay. So that's good. All right, so then I can pick her up on Saturday. Oh, well, okay. You'll call Friday and say if you're gonna keep her over the weekend or not. Okay. Okay. Now, if this doesn't take, there's another procedure that we can do that'll. Awesome. That's great. Okay, fine. And then she hangs up the phone and says, great news. I know. I'm 10 grand into this fucking dollar. I know it. I don't even want to know. I don't want to know. It's. The ear got taken off, halfway off, and then it got infected, and then it got all the way taken off, and then the cataracts have popped up and the diabetes medication and. Oh, dear, dear God. So, Molly. We should all say prayer for Molly, who's probably coming home. Proudly coming home tomorrow, best I can tell.

[Allison Rosen]

Is she mad at you, Molly?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, for costing.

[Allison Rosen]

For repeatedly sending her in to get things cut off and stitched up and stuff. I'm just wondering, can you tell if she's pissed about this?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm pissed at her for the 10 grand I got sunk into her. She doesn't seem. She's the friendliest, sweetest, and she wanders around. They let her kind of wander around. She's got to have the fucking cone on for three weeks, which is going to be nearly impossible. So, no, she's pouting a little bit now. She's doing a lot of pouting because she's just so jacked up all the time. And then whenever I take her for a walk, people come up and go, you know, I imagine it's the same thing people do with that poor woman. I had to monkey pull her face off, like, oh, how you doing? You know, it's that moment of, what the fuck? And then, yeah, yeah, she's a mess. She's got shaved spots all over her body. She's missing her ear.

[Bald Bryan]

I had forgotten about the monkey thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

And it's the most horrible thing in the world. But there is something. But that is one of those stories where you say, now this is the woman who lived with the monkey. Right. She adored the monkey.

[Adam Carolla]

Her friend came over to visit her and she pulled her. Yeah, I don't know if there's an edible arrangeable that can take care of that. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

A special greeting card.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, I don't know what takes care of torn your face off. You know, like, you know, there's something that can be done. Like if you come over to my house and you get your car broken into and they steal your stereo, maybe I'll send you over a box of muffins or something saying, sorry about the Blau punk, but when your face gets ripped off, what do you do for that?

[Allison Rosen]

There's no muffin for that.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. No. No basket big enough.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And I don't even know if there's a lawsuit big enough.

[Adam Carolla]

You also wonder, like, is there anyone in that person's life, the person who got their face ripped off by the monkey? Has there. Was there. Is there anyone, you know, ex boyfriend, high school boyfriend, or just some former, former best friend who started dating the same guy or something? Is there anyone at any point, whoever yelled, I hope a monkey ripped your face off. Or just like, like, is there. If there has to be somebody who.

[Allison Rosen]

Specific. Karma's a bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

There has to be somebody. Listen. He says, I hope something horrible happens to you because you deserve. You're a horrible. I wonder if there's that one person walking around going, maybe I overdid it a little with the monkey.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure. Or how horrifying would it be if she got yelled at like that? But it was a gibbon. I hope a gibbon rips her face off. And she never saw the monkey coming. She said, I'm fine. It was just a monkey.

[Adam Carolla]

She's on the lookout for gibbon. That's right. Yeah. Well, I think she got her face back or something. And I know there's like a.

[Allison Rosen]

Not in the same condition though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Giovanni]

She had faced transplant surgery after.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, she does have a face now, but I don't think she. She doesn't look like someone who did not experience their face being ripped off by a monkey.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Giovanni]

Not like John Travolta and Nick Cage, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Uhhuh. Right in Face Off. Yeah. Like, doctors came in. Good news and bad news. We found a donor. Bad news. It's Ernest Borgnine. Oh my God. Yeah, sorry. I'm so sorry. Did you see the sign? Adventure. I'm so sorry. Love that guy. I Talk about beating off.

[Giovanni]

I think I love his laugh.

[Bald Bryan]

He's the greatest guy in the world. I had a chance to work with him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, could be.

[Bald Bryan]

That's way, way, way better than I thought it would be.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

That's like a million miles better than I thought it was gonna be.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. It's. You know, for a monkey, ripped my face off. Not bad.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. For a monkey. Didn't rip my face off. Bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, my mom has friends that are uglier than that, and they've. And they were just. They were attacked by monkeys, but not, like. Not to this extent.

[Bald Bryan]

No. They had a hand ripped off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, they bear the scars of the monkey attack, but if not the face was left, but that.

[Bald Bryan]

You could actually. You could. She could be kissed one day. Mm. I mean, she's like. It's like a regular face.

[Giovanni]

She wouldn't know it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. She could be kissed one day.

[Allison Rosen]

She has no eyebrows.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. But those are coming. It's the least of her worries coming back. My grandmother didn't have eyebrows she painted on. Half the Latin chicks around here don't have eyebrows.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not the worst part. I'm just playing out.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let. Let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. You. You get. You get the eyebrows. You get the news. Yeah. Listen, half the Armenian chicks in Glendale don't have eyebrows, but they draw them on.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been accused of having no eyebrows. I'm just saying things are amiss with her faux face.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, listen, I'm just saying, get.

[Bald Bryan]

My wife and one of her friends went to get a nail thing once, a foot thing once, and they came back and they were mad because the woman's husband and I had been drinking and we forgot about the kids. And one of the kids, you know, when they had cut themselves or something. Not bad. I mean, but. Yeah, I mean, and.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Bald Bryan]

But, like, boy stuff. We're a bunch of boys. It's not bad at all, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but they came back and she was yelling, and they were downstairs, and we were there with drinks in the bar, and they're yelling us, and it was kind of dim, and they got their new feet, and one had the blue, one had the red. And then I said after about like, a minute and a half that she was really. Well, how did you do the thing? And why didn't you. You could see that the zipper was going to hit him in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

And. And then I suddenly. I looked at her, I said, what happened? To your eyes. And it stopped them both cold because they had gotten an eyebrow thing right. And where they shaved off the eyebrows so they had a permanent look of surprise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

For about three weeks until the eyebrows grew back so they looked shocked. But it was a dim. Because it was a bar. It was our downstairs bar, so it was dim. And she said nothing. And suddenly the momentum shifted and she said, okay, well, forget about it. Let's just get the boys back to the. I said, wait a minute. But your eyes. What happened to your brows? Nothing. And they both kind of ran upstairs and she avoided me for, like, three weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said many times I've had my brows done more than once. And whenever.

[Allison Rosen]

Shredded or waxed.

[Adam Carolla]

Once I've had them plucked and once I had them waxed and whenever they do the. What are you looking for? Like, what kind of shape you looking for? I always say make it look like I'm listening because that's really going to pay dividends. Looking good is fine, but looking like you're listening. Done every three weeks.

[Bald Bryan]

The John Belushi one arch. Yeah, the one that goes way up or the two up in the middle?

[Adam Carolla]

Make the right one look like I don't trust the guy's story. My left one look like I'm listening.

[Bald Bryan]

Can you have a different set? Can you have a set for, like, put on certain things when you're negotiating for a McLaren. Can you have a set of eyebrows?

[Adam Carolla]

Potato forehead. All right, go to meeting. That's right. Go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. These guys are good, good people. Been with us for a long time. Bad weather, sick days, tough getting into the office. Snow drifts and banks, icy roads, dangerous. People can't be chancing that. That's Black Ice. That's my gay porn name. You don't want to deal with that. How about you use your computer and you join your meetings that way? Or your iPad or your iPhone or Android mobile device. Download the free app and start joining or hosting GoToMeeting sessions. Even if you're snowed in love, these guys want to try it for 45 days free. Free for 45 days. I said I do this just to talk to my buddies in a group sitting around at an airport with time to kill 45 days for free, visit GoToMeeting.com click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. All right, I'm going to be at the Anaheim Grove, by the way. Thursday the 15th in San Francisco at the palace of Fine Arts. December 16th, Phoenix, Vegas, Reno, Sparks, nugget. All that coming up, so look for that on the homepage. You got some news, baby girl?

[Allison Rosen]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

The News with Allison Rosen.

[Bald Bryan]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Allison Rosen]

A talent.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Alison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison for corruption convictions. The former Illinois governor must start serving his term within 90 days, as well as pay a $20,000 fine. Blagojevich was remorseful, saying, quote, I've had plenty of time to reflect on all that's happened. I'm here convicted of crimes, and I am accepting of it. I acknowledge it. Judge Zagel said, a corrupt governor can be more damaging than any other office in the US except the president.

[Adam Carolla]

Chicago's an awesome place because when you hear the story, they just happen to mention that. Oh, yeah, and the former governor's also in prison. Like, the guy whose place he took is in the joint, too. And you're like, what, are you guys, part of Mexico now? Like, what's going on over there? I know. It's Chicago.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you seen the musical? It's pretty bad.

[Giovanni]

14 years, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Don King got, like, two years for kicking a guy to death.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, he owed him, like, $50.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? This, frankly, makes me mad. I realized in life, I always take up for people once everybody starts dumping on them. And this guy, it's such a corrupt cesspool there, as you said. That whole Chicago, Illinois thing, and him selling the senator's seat, you know, he wanted to get an ambassadorship, whatever the heck he thought he was gonna get. Well, that's one of those things, to be honest.

[Giovanni]

I thought.

[Bald Bryan]

I thought they all did that. These are, like, horrible, horrible people.

[Allison Rosen]

They all being everyone in Chicago, everyone in that whole world of all politics.

[Bald Bryan]

Any governor that gets to appoint a senator. Yeah, you mean he's not gonna say to the president, okay, now, in return, I'd like to be the head of the Blueberry Commission.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And like I said, I don't know who preceded him, but he's in the joint, too. Which Ryan.

[Bald Bryan]

Ryan. Guy named Ryan.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so he's in the joint, then this guy takes over. Now he's going in the joint. Does this happen in other states that often?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean, the Chicago thing, dying, especially corrupt. I mean, he claimed, or someone on his behalf claimed that. Oh, he didn't really know that you can't horse trade like that. But I don't buy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then he's stupid, and I want him locked.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, how could you not know that Obama vacates a Senate seat and you try to profit from filling that seat? Well, it's totally.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the deal I think we're having, there's a problem, which is in the past, these guys got paid. They were essentially like strippers, where someone says, you know, you're going to be a stripper at a swanky club in Vancouver or Las Vegas. And the chick says, how much an hour? And you go, minimum wage. And she goes, what? I'm taking my clothes off for minimum wage. And then someone goes, no, you'll walk out of here with 800 bucks a night, cash. You work for tips, essentially. And that's what politicians do. You know, what's the base for these guys? 115 grand, 135 grand or whatever it is, 180 grand. But in terms of who they are, and there are attorneys, and they work in the private sector sector and all that stuff, these guys are used to seven figure paydays. So somebody says, look, here's the good news. The bad news is your base salary is going to be $162,000. The good news is you'll be getting tips on stock trades and things like that. You'll be getting insider information. You'll be selling seats. You'll be doing stuff, believe you me, you're going to make that $162,000 ten times over. And that's how it always was. But that's how the game was always played, and it was understood.

[Allison Rosen]

Does that conversation take place in a speakeasy from a guy with a name like the Gooch?

[Adam Carolla]

A guy named the Gooch is sitting in one of those clubs that Gordon Gekko would hang out with, you know, super high back, leather chair, calling everyone sport where the. Where the waiter knows what your drink is. You don't order it. Shows up and you're smoking a cigar, and no one ever tells you to put it out. And they knew how the game was played. Well, now it's business as usual, except for everyone's getting busted. It's the same thing I always talk about for cheating. It's like everyone's cheating. Except for now. There's film and there's times stamps and date stamps and cell phone records, but they're still kind of in 1940s mode. It's taking them a while. We're gonna have to give them a raise is basically what we're gonna have to do.

[Allison Rosen]

So they'll go straight.

[Bald Bryan]

They'll never go straight though. I don't mean. Look, you know what? It's not just by the way. This president, every president you never. The only way to become the ambassador to France or the ambassador to Japan is to give the guy a zillion dollars for his campaign before he gets elected. And it's just selling the same way. And you can't tell me everyone doesn't at any rate with this guy to give 14 years. The guys, I hate them all. But for this guy to get 14 years seems unjust to me. He's got a family, you know. What, so he got caught. He was doing what everyone does. And the people who are convicting him, that God knows what that judge did to get his job.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Kaylee, Anthony's mom is at a disco right now, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it's this guy Horse traded.

[Bald Bryan]

A senate appointment seat. He's gonna be in the can for 14 years.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen, I can never figure out how. Well, first off, you know, he'll. I don't know, probably do half of that time, but still we talk about it all the time. I can never figure out how this justice is meted out. I bring up the case, and I brought it up before, of the young lady who was killed, the one who was in poltergeist, whose dad is an attorney. I can never think of her name. It'll. Her dad's at the time. Wasn't that Dunn's daughter? Dominic Dunn's Darn. Her name was Dominique Dunn. And her boyfriend just showed up at her house, choked her out in the driveway. Just showed up and killed her.

[Bald Bryan]

He was the big chef or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he just showed up and just strangled her out. I did 26 months or something. One of them just literally took like a 22 year old chick and just choked the life out of her in the fucking driveway of a house. Like sober showed up. It wasn't, you know, he just came over and went, hey man, you broke up with the wrong dude.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't even call ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't call ahead. He's a chef, you'd think he'd make reservations. Showed up, walked right past the maitre d and just did the choke out and just killed this 22 year old girl just right in the driveway. And it's like didn't even get manslaughter. They like, they knocked it down from, you know, to involuntary or something. Sentenced to six and a Half years served. Less than four years. I think it was even less than four. I mean, it was like two and a half or something. But the point is, he got sentenced to six and a half. He killed a 22 year old girl. Oh, Brian just slipped me a piece of paper. A 22 year old white girl, Brian. I don't know why that's germane, but the point is this. The point is he got half. He got less than half of what Robby got.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, that's what.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? It's. It's not right. With a little luck, no one here will ever have to go through that kind of system. But that's why they say, you know what, it's run by terrible people.

[Allison Rosen]

But if someone did have to in this room, who would it be?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you know, do I get to pick?

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd have to make an example out of you, Larry.

[Bald Bryan]

That's what I mean. I'd be the example.

[Allison Rosen]

A judge has ordered Sandusky jailed unless he can pay $250,000 bail. And if he posts bail, he must submit to electron monitoring. This comes after two new accusers have come forward. This brings the number of alleged victims to 10. And Sandusky now faces 50 charges. Both new accusers say they met Sandusky through the Second Mile charity. One accuser, dubbed Victim 9, said Sandusky forced him to perform oral sex and attempted on at least 16 occasions to anally penetrate him, sometimes successfully. The victim testified that at least on one occasion he said screamed for help, knowing Sandusky's wife was upstairs. But no one ever came to help him.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, I want to get Sandusky's wife together with Herman Cain's wife. And you know how, you know how there's this thing when you have money. No, no, no, not reality show. This is my own thing. It's personal. This time it's personal.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the last time I did it from an arm's distance. Yeah. This time it's personal. No, you know the thing where it's like. It's not. We don't talk about it that much, but if you would like to get Paula Abdul to perform at your party, you just cut her check for 250 grand and she'll come to your kids bar mitzvah, like Justin Timberlake will too. I mean, pretty much you can get Aerosmith at your house and then all the way down from that, you know, celebrities, whatever. I'll get Sandusky.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll go for A hot dog.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm getting Sandusky's wife. Oh, and Rick. Aspen. I'm going to Dusky's wife and Herman Cain's wife. And I'm going to go, look, I'm going to give you each $10,000 just to simply come over to my house and have some coffee cake with me and my wife. Then we'll just sit down. I'll put on a pot of coffee and we'll sit down. And then we're just going to all sit down and I'll say, lynette, be honest. What were your beefs? And she'll be like, well, sometimes you tune out when the kids are talking to you. And I'll go, that's valid. Anything else? I don't feel like you're present, and I just don't feel like you're as intimate as you could be. Okay, that's good. Ms. Sandusky. What do you got? What's your husband do? Let me hear. Give me your top five. Top five? Limited to an hour each, please. Thank you. Herman Cain, Mrs. Cain, go ahead and tell me about your man. Does he tune out when you. What you're saying he's not even. He's fucking somebody else. This guy's fucking 11 year old. Keep coming, keep coming. Thank you, ladies. Here's your money. And then my wife would just cry and grab my leg and yell. She'd just. Lynette, just be like, never leave me. Never, never, never leave.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. Is that a guy fantasy?

[Adam Carolla]

That occur? Wouldn't it be awesome?

[Bald Bryan]

It will never occur.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be awesome, though, just to.

[Bald Bryan]

Get those two to get that kind of gratification? No, it won't happen. You could have her believe them. They could say, you know what? You have the greatest guy in the world. And she would still say, all right, look, I gotta go. Meeting a friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'd be. You know what? I shouldn't even be there. I should just. I should just put on a pot of coffee and go, you ladies get to know each other. And then they do that thing, you know, that they do all the time. You know, sometimes Adam's so busy looking at his email, he doesn't even know I exist. And they go, cry me a river, bitch. My husband's out molesting 9 year olds 24. 7.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what, with that one, though, I just have such a kind of a hate. Because it's one of those. I think she knew. I think they all know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

In this case, when it's something that bad, it's not about cheating anything. Never mind that when it's that she was upstairs, she heard the screaming.

[Adam Carolla]

She.

[Bald Bryan]

She's as sick as he is in a way. They knew everything. They know everything.

[Giovanni]

Larry was the 80s. She made some Jane Fonda workout tapes going pretty loud.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Giovanni]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

But, I mean, they had six adopted kids, and he has kids who aren't his adopted kids spending the night, and he's spending money on gifts for them and taking them on trips and doing all like what? How could she have possibly rationalized that to herself?

[Giovanni]

Is he supposed to get the gifts for free? Alison, he's got to spend money on the gifts.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right again. This. This thing where you take this wild interest in your kids friends and the friends and the young people and all that kind of stuff, this weird, unnatural interest in who's going to sleep over. What if I'm going to take them out to. It's like a guy should be dragged just kicking and screaming to every single one of those guys.

[Bald Bryan]

Not surprising. We're the same on this. I have no interest in my kids. What do I care about them? Oh, isn't the. Well, look at him. Isn't he cute?

[Adam Carolla]

Not to me, no. And then. Because what this is going to lead to is you're going to get trapped into a conversation with their parents and their dad's going to want to know all about Pretty Woman. And then when you ask him what he does, he's going to say, he's in. He does garbage disposal, repair and maintenance. He'll add with a certain amount of glee. And then there'll be more silence. And he's going to want normal. Something about the Nutty professor. And you get trapped in a corner with that guy.

[Bald Bryan]

My wife took me out to dinner with another couple once, and I didn't want to go. And it was from a Little League thing, and she was talking to the wife. And the guy leaned over to me at the restaurant when I was just one sip into my second drink. And he said to me, you know, a lot of people think insurance and reinsurance are the same thing, but they're not. And I said, would you wait one second, please? And I turned to my wife and she turned away from me, but I just kept staring at her. And I hold up my finger again to him, said, no, one second. Just one second. And then I actually had to tap her to say, I want you to remember this. And then she didn't. She turned away. And I said, now Go ahead, tell me the difference between insurance and reinsurance. And I signaled the waiter.

[Adam Carolla]

The insurance answer. I have nothing for that. Like, if you tell me you're roofer, we can talk. If you tell me you put the stuffing in stuffed rabbits, we can talk. But the insurance. And I've had that guy way more than once. And we've talked about on the show between the All State Gator bowl and every. These commercials and All State arena and all these commercials for geico running every 10 seconds and the chick. How much fucking money are these guys making? It is a nonsense. Stop. Parade of insurance commercials. You turn on a college football game. It's brought to you by Allstate. Geico commercials are, like, running throughout. I mean, you don't. Every third commercial is an insurance commercial. Like, you're just sitting there and you just sort of watch it. I'm zoned out to it, but I'm like, how much fucking money are these guys dumping into advertising? And what kind of racket is this? Because they evidently have a huge war chest that goes into this buying spots in the BCS game.

[Giovanni]

I can answer some of your questions, please, because my wife does insurance marketing or marketing for one of the big insurance companies.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Larry's got to get a drink.

[Giovanni]

That's the best answer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

This is interesting.

[Giovanni]

That's not the best answer. Tell me that you work in. We're at a party, we're meeting. Tell me you work in insurance. Adam, what do you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I work in insurance.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, great.

[Giovanni]

So does my wife. Honey, I'll eat the bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

That's the best answer, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a while, Brian fucks up. Ask me again, Adam, what do you do? I direct gay porn. Oh, that. Honey. Oh, shit.

[Giovanni]

A, those companies print money. B, it's because. Well, partly because so many states now require the insurance that everyone has to get them. Those companies aren't going anywhere. If anything, they're going to be making more money and spending more money and making. Making more commercials. And also, one of the biggest advertisers is Geico, and they're backed by Warren Buffet. So they just have money, money, money to spend. You know what I mean? They spend indiscriminately.

[Adam Carolla]

All I can tell you is it never ends. And it doesn't matter what channel you're watching or what show you're watching or what demographic the show appears to be for. There's 10 insurance commercials that run every five minutes and it just never ends. And then you start seeing the big All State Banner going up and the guys kicking the extra point and the end zone and the all state whatever and the rain. How much fucking money are these people making? It's insane.

[Allison Rosen]

And the problem with running into someone who works in insurance at a party is that even if conceivably there's someone interesting at an insurance company who knows the answers to questions you could maybe pretend you want to know the answer to, such as like percentages or who really needs this or some crazy thing, the person that you're talking to is not going to be able to answer any of those questions and they're only going to be able to give you a spiel.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, I agree with that. And in an era where we're, you know, we're occupying Wall street and we're worried about big pharma and big oil and all that kind of stuff, the insurance, the medical side of insurance is under a lot of scrutiny all the time. But somehow the life and the car insurance, which the car insurance companies must be printing money. No one ever goes and says, what the fuck? How much money you guys making? And let's regulate this or let's look into this. It's like they're doing God's work. They're insuring motor vehicles. Nobody seems to have a problem with it, but somehow they're making a shitload of money. And then there's that animated commercial with the super hot chick with the thin waistline and the D cups.

[Giovanni]

Aaron Esurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Aaron Esurance.

[Giovanni]

I mean, who sad when you get.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re watching a cartoon, you're getting a boner. Yeah, the pink haired girl. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Most people just use Ariel from Little Mermaid for that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I would think that would be great. Not sad, but by the way, it's a racket with these companies and there are several, by the way, many in fact, who've hired me to do shows for them. But that's different. Those are great people, salt of the earth. But it's the others who stay pink.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the esurance chick with the pink hair.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Aaron Insurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there she is. Yeah, I got your deductible.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you pleasured yourself to that cartoon?

[Adam Carolla]

I've used her as a primer. I've used her as a primer.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys are both on the same page about this.

[Bald Bryan]

I can't even look.

[Allison Rosen]

She's like in a moose bouche for your penis.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like. Yeah, what it is is it's like when you see a commercial for like El Pollo Loco but you don't eat El Pollo loco. But you still eat, right? It's that kind of thing where you go like, oh, yeah, I am hungry, aren't I? I'm getting up.

[Giovanni]

How about a burger?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way, you know what I was about to say, I can't even look at her because I'm still in mourning for Kim. And then I took a look at her and I actually thought, you know, she's pretty good. She's pretty nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing wrong with her.

[Allison Rosen]

She's a drawing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she is.

[Giovanni]

Alison, watch your tongue.

[Adam Carolla]

She can hear you. That's right. All right, somebody's jealous.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, continue a Mythbusters experiment that is just pornographic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I think somebody tweaked that last picture there.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember we were talking about Mythbusters on the show recently?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Mythbusters experience, favorite show of right wingers, right? Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

A Mythbusters experiment went awry, sending a cannonball whizzing through a Northern California community. Mythbusters were testing what materials could be fired out of a cannon and be as effective as a cannonball.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it'd be awesome if there was like some 63 year old guy downstairs in a cardigan sweater drinking some like Captain Morgan's just putting the finishing touches on a ship in a bottle. And then that thing goes through the house and he looks up with a knowing glance and he says, I knew it. The Spanish Armadas is here. And then he just screams, battle stations. And then he yells, stand fast. Sorry.

[Bald Bryan]

I think now, see, I think of the guy just putting the finishing touches of the last spackle and then the last paint on it because it's already been done before.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss that. I miss the joke where the guy's cleaning the plate glass windows.

[Bald Bryan]

Night at the opera. He finally gets the name put back on the door and he comes again and slams it.

[Adam Carolla]

Crash.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, same thing. The guy puts the last paint on this and says, well, I'll never have to do that again. Pow.

[Adam Carolla]

I liked it when they would move huge panes of glass and the first three guys would miss him, and then the last Keystone Cop would come around. Look out. Oh. Oh. You know the humor I miss too. I just got done troweling the sidewalk. It's perfect.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. And they do the chase. The cop chasing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right that. And there's a dog invol.

[Giovanni]

The toy was on tv. And Jackie Glen had a very elaborate domino setup. And of course Richard Pryor was like, oh, pretty impressive. I just finished that five months work or something like something like 12 months.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a.

[Giovanni]

There's not going to guess what happened next.

[Adam Carolla]

The version. There's also a version of that, and this is, too, which is. That's the Dean's prized Corvette. It's a 55. That's his baby. He loves that more than life. It's like, all right, can we just get to the part where destroyed. Please, can we get to the part where they. Whenever an evil guy. That's why, by the way, when anyone brings up any of my cars, where they go, how about that 70 Lamborghini Murass? I go, hate it. I never go, that's my baby. Because I've seen what happens in Act 3, right.

[Allison Rosen]

You're preventing it from errant joyrides.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm sorry. The setups are just great on that. Just knowing that. And it took me eight months. It's the setup that just kills. But go. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

The cannonball they fired was supposed to hit trash cans filled with water, but instead it went through a cement wall, then went through the wall of a house, bounced off the roof of another house, and then crashed through the window of a minivan.

[Adam Carolla]

So it worked.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. No one was hurt and apparently was traveling at a thousand feet per second.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you, if a cannonball went through my house, especially if I knew it was fired by the Discovery Channel champion.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And no one was hurt, I'd be like, sweetheart, real quick, I'm gonna down this fifth of Scotch. Go take that oar and just fucking swing as hard as you can at my face. I won't feel a thing. We'll be rich. Just don't ask questions. Go. Just go. Oh, fuck. Okay, snow shovel, whatever you got. Just hold on. Let me finish with the Bacardi. Now go. I'll shut my eyes. Go ahead.

[Bald Bryan]

First thing I would do is stick my head out the window and say, I see you, Jimmy Bemis. I know that was you, and I'm calling your mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

American Airlines has come forward with their version of the events that precipitated Alec Baldwin being kicked off the plane. So here's their statement. Cell phones and electronic devices are allowed to be used while the aircraft is at the gate and the door is open for boarding. When the door is closed for departure and the seatbelt light is turned on, all cell phones and electronic devices must be turned off for taxi out and takeoff this passenger. So they didn't. They didn't identify Alec Baldwin by name?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this. They are the boy that cried taxi because they do this thing where they go, when I close the door, that's it, you know? And that used to work. They'd close the door, you'd pull off and you'd go get in line and you'd take off. Now they close the door, and you sit there for 25 minutes. So they go, ho, ho, ho. The door's closed. And I would say, ho, ho, ho. We're not going anywhere. You guys used to close the door and then you had to shut everything down because that meant you were taking off. Now it means you got 45 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Can't they just leave the door cracked?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

I got this on my last flight. Have you ever gotten this? The flight attendant, while sitting above the speaker's announcement, we won't pull away from the gate until you all turn off your devices and then five seconds later, start pulling away from the gate. Which is obviously, she was lying to us. Does she have contempt for all of us thinking that, oh, quickly put it away. We can't go.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but it was horribly insulting. I had a very freeing moment my last flight. I walked from coach into the first class lounge and took a piss, right on one of the serving carts. Now I used the bathroom. I normally sit in first class and get pissed off at every a hole that walks into first class to stink up my head and then head back to the back of the plane.

[Allison Rosen]

This time you were the stinky guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That was this ass.

[Giovanni]

How does that work? Why was that okay for you?

[Allison Rosen]

Because it's him.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt like I was getting my pound of flesh back from all the times that had happened to me.

[Bald Bryan]

Or is it okay? It's a completely different thing when you're sitting back in coach. And I have a very strict rule, by the way. When someone else is paying for the ticket, you get a part in something. Whatever it is, I love flying first class when I'm paying for it. I always fly coach, right? I'm a big boy. I can read. I can sit. I can sit there and make a sandwich. But when I do that, when you. When you're in coach and you look up into first class, you think, everyone should be killed. Everyone should die. And you know what? Until everything is equal, the world will never be sane. Right now when you're up in first class, you're thinking, as people are passing, looking at you, you're thinking, suddenly you're Lord Worthington. You're thinking, can someone please ask him not to look? I'm reading.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, it's funny how it only takes, like one second to develop a first class attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Even if it's zero.

[Adam Carolla]

So their version of what Baldwin did.

[Allison Rosen]

Was they say this passenger ultimately stood up with the seatbelt light on, took his phone out. I'll just get to the. This passenger was extremely rude to the crew, calling them inappropriate names and using offensive language. And. Okay, so here's someone else who was on the plane who said that. This passenger, he got up, threw his papers on the floor and stormed into the bathroom. Slammed the door closed, beat on the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, can you slam one of those accordion doors with the piano hinge in the middle?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like if I tried, I would catch my finger in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'd be like trying to slam a curtain closed. It's just. It's not effective.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's like slamming a beaded curtain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Ben, he said, if you want to kick me off, kick me off. He was just crazy. He just flipped out. And another account has him talking on the phone, not playing a game on.

[Adam Carolla]

His phone, calling his daughter piggy. You know, Baldwin is. Baldwin is one of these guys who's a little too smart for his own good, and he knows it. And he's probably tortured. There's a responsibility that comes with being that kind of. Being that kind of smart and that kind of talent. Having that kind of talent. And it means that you're essentially. It's like this. The airport is a pinball machine that is just filled with subtards. And you're this genius that's trying to sort of navigate it. You know what I mean? And so you're walking through and you got some guy who has a 91 IQ and got his GED throwing is 20 years younger than you, tossing attitude at you because you forgot to take your belt off. Off before you went through the detector and giving the extra. Sir, I'm gonna need you for me right now to go ahead real quick and blah, blah, blah. And it's for smart people and rich people. And you just imagine how this would have flown in any other. Pardon the pun, any other time. Historically. Like, imagine. All right, well, maybe Alec Baldwin isn't quite this. But imagine. Imagine if Frank Sinatra was walking through an Airport in 1967, and he just. And he'd start. He'd walk. Sir, what I'm need you to do for me. Right, Step back, sir. Step back. Step back, sir. Okay, sir, take your pinky, your nugget, pinky ring off, sir. And put it through the detector. We told you all metal and all personal items have to go in a bin. Hold on, sir, we pulled your bag out. Sinatra's running late. He's got a gig with the Rat. Sir, I'm gonna. And then Sinatra, who probably had a couple of fucking highballs in him, pops off just a little bit like, what's the matter? They're not hiring over at the mall. Sir, come with me, sir. Right. I mean, how the fucking Sinatra would just. He would have gone through his entire adult career with zip ties on, just being led out of airports. Right? So now. Now, I know this sounds like a weird argument, but I mean it. Like in the past it was like, oh, it's just Frank Sinatra. Yeah. Come on. So in the past, the guys with the high iq, the guys with all the talent, the chicks with all the looks, the people that were just used to a certain thing would just get the. Yeah, yeah, it's Frank Sinatra. Yeah, it's Dean Martin. Yeah, let him go. Sammy. Stay back. The rest of you, come on back. And that's the way it worked. And so now. So for the first time ever, when Alec Baldwin travels, he's no different than giant Gary in the next room. When he travels, there's no separate treatment. One of them is an award winning actor, multimillionaire. The other makes nine bucks an hour and is overcompensated here at the Acrola show. And they're the same dude. Not grossly overcompensated, but they are the same dude. So it'd be like if in 1967, my putz of a dad who was standing next to Frank Sinatra was exactly the same as Frank Sinatra once they entered the confines of the airport. And I don't think the Frank Sinatras of the world are used to that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why they should just go on their own personal jets or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or we should recognize Frank Sinatra and go, fuck it. He's not the new face of Al Qaeda. Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

The night John Kennedy was nominated and got the nomination as president, they all got loaded. It's a different time. They all got loaded. Him, they were in the backseat of a giant truck in the back. Then they weaving around. They were all loaded. Peter Lawford, all the guys, that whole bunch. And they were pulled over and the cops pull up the thing and someone says, that's Jack Kennedy, that he was just dominant cop. But remember it's 1960s. So they. Oh, yes, sir. They closed the thing up. And I'm not. It's not neither good nor bad. It's a different time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's good.

[Bald Bryan]

And they give him a motorcycle ride back and they let Bob drive the truck and they take him back to the Ambassador Hotel or whatever the heck it is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all, listen, everyone thinks I'm the biggest dick in the world for saying it's okay, but I'm all right with it because here, for two reasons. A, Baldwin's in the platinum club when it comes to paying taxes. He sure he paid in. Oh, what do you think Baldwin's put in over his career?

[Allison Rosen]

155 teachers over the last.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a lot more than that. Over the last 25 years. You think Baldwin's put in $100 million? It's a lot of time. No problemo. So he's in the $100 million tax club, number one. Number two, he probably does a lot of business with American Airlines, you know, NBC.

[Allison Rosen]

Apparently he had been loyal to that brand for like his whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

NBC does a lot of business with American Airlines. Lots of first class tickets, gets back and forth, lots of business. So everyone does that thing where they go, well, why should Baldwin be treated well, I'll tell you why. He's put in $100 million worth of taxes and he's done $8 million worth of business with American Airlines. Not only him, but the networks and the studios that he's dealt with, they've done $10 million worth of business with air. That's why he should be treated differently.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? It was a different time. And it's a nice thought to think they're loaded. They're in the back of the truck. They've got a few women there. Everybody's reeling around. You know what? They just close it up and they say, come with us. Bob will drive the truck back to the hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. All I want is to reanimate Frank Sinatra and walk him through LAX like weekend @ Bernie's. Yeah. With just some husky, husky woman of color in her 50s with a bad weave, just. Sir, sir, sir, where's your eye, Sir? No, that's not. Sir. No, hold on, sir, Are you giving me attitude? And then he'd probably slap her or something and then they just mace and spray and tackling and dragged off somewhere.

[Bald Bryan]

Or a crusader knight with a giant sword. Yes, the same thing. And just. Excuse me. Stop him. Stop me.

[Adam Carolla]

Knights traveling. All I'm saying is I think it's going to take like we are living in the only time in history where the Baldwins of the world, the famous television and movie actors, got in line and Were told everyone is shutting their phone off. You shut your phone, too. Everyone is going through security. You go, too. By the way, that fat lady who's dragging the oxygen tank, she was ahead of you in line. She's going ahead. This is the first time this ever happened. Now, I don't know if these guys are cut out for it. And evidently, because we hear, we keep hearing what happens at the airport, they're not really cut out for it. All right. Right, there you go.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip itcont.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Mmm.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell you what, you couldn't get through security. The man grate.

[Allison Rosen]

It's too heavy and awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Too much iron. Plane couldn't take off. Even if they checked, it could not take off. I did one of these moves where they kept checking my bag because I kept wheeling it. Here's a tip for everybody. If you wheel your bag, they'll check it, slide the handle in and pick it up by its handle and just put it by your side and they'll let you walk in. They look for the wheelie bag. Where was I? Man, Great. Yeah. Don't bother. Don't bother trying to pack that in. You put it in an overhead storage part that plain with lists to one side, it is that much iron. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America 1999 holiday special. Give him something he's going to use this year, ladies. Click on the man great [e-mail] and order today exclusive. Bonus, by the way, got the heavy duty grilling brush and it's got the Adam Corolla show logo right in it. Good guys, good sponsors on early and often. Let's show them some love. We got the hypothetical road trip list. Maybe I'll toss one out before we go to break. Larry, I'm gonna give you a head start on this one. What do you say? Okay, we take a five minute break? I'm gonna let you think about this. You ready to think about it?

[Bald Bryan]

I've never thought about it before.

[Adam Carolla]

You work on it.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I love playing the game the way it is.

[Adam Carolla]

This one straight up. Fat Jonah Hill or skinny Jonah Hill. All right, well, take a break. Take a break. Larry Miller, Hypothetical road trip next. Yeah. Welcome back. The great Larry Miller, ready to dominate the game known as hypothetical road trip.

[Bald Bryan]

I feel really good because I haven't played the game in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you never get the ring rust, Larry. That much I know about you.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it's like riding a bicycle. I'M not sure in what way, but I know it's like riding a bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is the hypothetical trip from the Santa Monica Pier to Epcot center in Florida. And, Larry, you're driving. And who would you choose to be a driving partner? We.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Start off, it's the hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers. We're driving to Florida. Start off with the Fat Jonah Hill versus the Thin Jonah Hill.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? I'm frankly flattered you started with this one, because I know you're trying to be nice to me. I haven't seen you in a while. We've both been on the road, and it's obvious to me, and I think anyone listening and watching, that now there really are no wrong answers. It's the same guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Bald Bryan]

So I know you're trying to be nice and go into the end of the year with a nice charitable gesture, and I'll take it as a friend's gesture and I'll just say the obvious answer and be correct. And that. It's Jonah Hill.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, I need a Fat Jonah Hill. Come on.

[Bald Bryan]

How could it be?

[Adam Carolla]

It's got to be Fat Jonah Hill. It's Jonah Hill.

[Giovanni]

It's like when you tilt the pinball machine.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You tilt it. Yeah, that's right.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what? There is the history, by the way, of people who've lost a lot of weight when they're in show business. Who's the guy who's on Star Trek? The guy. Not Victor Buono. The guy with the mustache who played this on Star Trek. Who played Captain Mud on Star Trek. And he, at one point, he was on the. In law. Mothers in law or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you're just buying time.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry, he lost Captain Mud. Lost it. What?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I. I've got to. I've got to go with driving, with the. With the. With the. With the heavyset. The husky Jonah Hill, because I think he would be. I think he would be funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going with Captain Mudd in the library with the candlestick.

[Bald Bryan]

How could I be wrong twice on one question?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, you said Fat Jonah Hill. Yeah, no, obviously it's the same Jonah Hill. One cost you three miles a gallon at highway speeds, and other than that, they're the same dude. And plus Fat Jonah Hill all the way to Florida hearing this. You gonna finish those fries? You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Also?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the narcolepsy kicks in. There's no such Thing as a fat guy nods off without a huge snoring. Huge as he passes out. Come on.

[Bald Bryan]

This was not a fair one. This was not.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's keep going.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't think that was nice at all.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, ironic handlebar mustache guy.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm ready for the next one though.

[Adam Carolla]

Ironic handlebar mustache guy or tattooed guy who never stops talking about how much he loves his kids.

[Bald Bryan]

You know something? Now we're back in action. Now we're back with something that I, I know I can do well on. And now we're back to you trying to be clever with me.

[Adam Carolla]

And I say ironic. I just mean, you know, 26 year old guy with the mustache that. Well, by the way, you know, I'll give you, I'll buy you some time.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I don't need time.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I know I don't want time. I know I don't take time.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't use time.

[Adam Carolla]

I will buy you some anyway, by saying this, you know, I see all these guys walking around and I see the guy with the weird funky facial hair and whether it's the old guy, you go, ah, what a douchebag. Or like the young guy and he goes, the 26 year old hipster that's just got the mutton chops but no mustache or chin. No chin hair or anything like that. And I always go, ugh, what a douchebag. But then when I see pictures of guys from the turn of the century that had the mutton chops that connected to the mustache and went back up, did they have some version of me from 1901 going, he's such a douchebag, that guy. Look at him with his fucking top hat and his spats. Yeah, I hate that Quimby. Look at him.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at him with his timepiece on a chain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we get it. You know what time it is. And look at you, that fucking trendy or just going, you know, look at.

[Allison Rosen]

Him with his ironic clean shaven look.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, those spats, look at that Johnny come lately with his spats. Everyone's jumping on that spats train. Or on that. Did they do that? Was there a version of me that was walking around pissed off, going, I'll be dead before I'm seen in spats.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure there was some ye olde old timey Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to think there was.

[Bald Bryan]

Well now, sorry, if you're finished taking up my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, I wasn't buying it then.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me just, let him just answer what I knew Instantly. Anyway. All right. Because you and I see life differently. And I know in a second that it would never be the guy with the ironic mustache, because, number one, Jim Croce is turning over in his grave. And I was always a Jim Croce fan. Actually, I never was. But I think it's disgrace that a young man has something like that. Every time a cop pulled us over, I would have to say, first, he's not with me. I don't even like him because he looks too weird. And I would always. I would be interested, frankly, in driving with the guy with the tattoos. And I'll tell you why. Because, number one, he would be into Ultimate Fighting. And number two, I have kids, too. We could at least take time. And no policeman would stare at him suspiciously. And they look back at me. So never the guy with the ironic mustache. Always the guy with the ironic tattoos. Beat that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. Come on.

[Bald Bryan]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, tell me why this one was.

[Bald Bryan]

I want to know why.

[Adam Carolla]

It was close.

[Bald Bryan]

You can't tell me why.

[Adam Carolla]

This one was really close. I need to know why. I can't. I can. Because this guy would get a tattoo to commemorate the road trip with Larry Miller at some point. And you would look fat in it. And it would not be happy about how you turned out in this. And he would show it to you. You know, he'd pull the cellophane off at some point and show it to you. And that would be three weeks after the trip. He'd be like, hey, man, the bonding that we had on this road trip. And you'd feel weird because you never wanted to talk to the guy again, except where he would have you tattooed on his tricep for the rest of his life. He's gonna get a tattoo to commemorate the road trip layer. You're forever gonna be on his tricep. His wife's gonna be staring at it when they're making love. He's gonna be looking at it in the reflection in the mirror when he's masturbating in the sink. Come on. Use your head, buddy. All right, let's keep moving.

[Bald Bryan]

I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's try one more noisy old female landlord.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm ready for another one.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a nice picture of him. I should say nosy, not noisy.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way. That's the look on the face of the people after the cannonball went through their wall, right?

[Adam Carolla]

What? Yeah. The nosy female old landlord. Or this guy. Boy, did I run into this guy. The. I need you to see Me working out on Thanksgiving. And I'll add Christmas to that guy. The guy who literally at three in the afternoon on Thanksgiving day has got the shirt off and he's chuggin it up my hill and I gotta pass him on the way because we're out of gravy and drawn butter.

[Bald Bryan]

This is a terrific one that we're both going to agree on, in fact, and it's good that it came up because we see life exactly the same in this regard. I would never ever drive with the guy who's working out because I despise them for their. For their self righteousness and I despise the fact that he's not sitting and drinking like me and saying at 11 o' clock at night, just turning the tin foil back on the pie and saying, you know what? As the light spills out from the refrigerator and the dog sits hopefully with his tag tail wagging on the floor. So it would never be him. It could never be him. Nothing in life could ever be with him. Never mind a ride, never mind a sit, never mind anything. And I know we agree on this. And I know at least with the elderly nosy woman we could agree on Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched. And we could have fond memories of her and of her husband when she would say Abner. And we could share funny stories. So it would be always be her, never be him.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm sorry. Come on.

[Bald Bryan]

How you hate him too.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he's in fantastic shape. And if you guys ever broke down and someone needed to go for help, he'd be your carrier pigeon. You would dispatch him, you know, like they. Like the Greeks did. That's how they invented the marathon.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure, he reads. Well, maybe we'll be more than 26 miles from help.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the point is you're gonna be sitting in a car with the heater running while he's running for help. He'll be the guy who goes for help. I'm just saying she's not going to do anything. She's going to be talking about her ex husband that passed away the entire time. She's going to have that older woman smell that is never pleasant. Come on, Larry, use your brain. 0 for 3. I'm sorry, Larry.

[Bald Bryan]

I guess I never thought of it that way, but I was thrown by the Jonah Hill. By the Jonah Hill delay.

[Adam Carolla]

Jonah Hills. That was a little bit of a crap.

[Bald Bryan]

The Jonah Hill hex.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to toss you a little love. By the way, you can see Larry do the live show. Cocktails with Larry next Friday, December 16th at the Walton Arts center in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

[Bald Bryan]

And by the way, the Larry Miller Drinking Society will be meeting after that. I tweet a place and we all get to get to.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. And this Week with Larry Miller, of course, here at on the ace Broadcasting Network. Ace LarryMiller.com yes, we've just started something.

[Bald Bryan]

The Million Martini March for the this Week with Larry Miller on Ace, Larry miller.com and we, we our goal, and it's, it's, I think a fairly modest goal is to get a million new listeners in the next hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. So I think you can do that. Look, even if you get three quarters of that, you're still doing all that's.

[Bald Bryan]

The way I look at it.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to hang your head. All right, Allison Rosen, cue up a couple more news stories. I'm going to give a little love to Discount in America's Tire. Different name, same place. They got a little Facebook contest. That's right, friends over at Discount Tire and America's Tire want to send you to LA for the weekend to have sex with me. What? I don't remember approving this copy. I think we're just gonna hang out. Well, look, we'll see where it goes.

[Giovanni]

Not promising anything, not saying nothing's off the table.

[Adam Carolla]

I almost had Taco Bell with three chicks tonight. I was driving home after Leno and three chicks pulled up next to me in a car and started screaming. We were in the audience tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think you didn't do well.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Bryan]

See what I mean, though?

[Adam Carolla]

They were all, we loved it, we loved it, we loved it. I said, all right. And they said, you want to get Taco Bell? We're getting Taco Bell, which is up on the right in the next hundred feet. And I'd eaten there twice this week already, I'm very sad to say. So I gave the there's a part of me that always goes like, oh, someone wants to eat Taco Bell with me. I should. Then there's a part of me that goes, hey, wait a minute, you're a celebrity. You're not supposed to be eating Taco Bell with strangers. And I gave them the wave and they took their picture on the thing and they I don't know if they posted it or whatever they did, but they went off to Taco Bell. It's gone viral. Anyway, this contest will include round trip flights unless you get mouthy like Baldwin. And for two, by the way, two nights in a hotel and 500 bucks spending money. Plus tickets to the Petersen Automotive Museum, where you can go see one of my babies sitting up on its pedestal as we speak. Or more likely, there's probably a guy doing donuts in the parking lot. The Peterson behind the wheel of my mirror as we speak. You can get a behind the scenes tour over there of our shop and our studio. All for you. And you [e-mail] discounttire or on our site. So, yeah, win a contest. Come on out and hang. All right, where were we? Allison. And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen. Can't get the pad working, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

Technology is. I'm gonna throw this through the window. I'm having a Baldwin moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Give us one story and wing it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I can give you more than one. There was just one on there that I wanted anyway. Now, don't freak out, Adam, but Rolling Stone has named their number one movie of 2011. Do you want to guess?

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody tweeted me this, but I'll let you do it anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Really? Number one for 2011. The movie about nothing.

[Giovanni]

Is there any chance to go back and watch the movie with an open mind, or are you settled on it being a bad movie?

[Adam Carolla]

I could go back and watch it with an open mind. You understand. I was not a lone drunk farmer standing in a cornfield and seeing the spaceship land. I was sitting next to a very sober Kevin Hansch, who also saw the spaceship and said, wow, was that spaceship boring. And wow, was there nothing going on with that spaceship? And the story was just. It was one big middle. Well, first off, it was very stylized. It was shot by a guy who does not own a driver's license. Kevin pointed out to me later on. Which is clear because throwing a car around 180 and then popping it into reverse when someone is chasing you is not a great plan because a car will go 140 miles an hour in drive, and in reverse, it'll cap out about 40. So I don't know why that's a good move. It was also one of those stupid movies where sometimes the cops are around and sometimes the cops aren't around. The first scene, the cops were all over the place. After that, extended long, long winded shootouts with nothing. A love story that went nowhere. Oh, it got slick because there was a makeup artist and he was a stunt driver and they had look alikes. Except for there was no payoff to that whatsoever. He was ramming cars at full speed and not even busting cracking a headlight on his own car. And Then at the end, it just mercifully ended bad. Bad script good. Find me the DP from dry. Find me that guy. Find me the best boy. Find me the guy who lit it. Find me the guy who scored it. Tip of the cap to that guy. The guy who wrote the story, he gets a knee in the nuts. It's a highly stylized piece of shit that went nowhere. Some other movies, oh, Rolling Stone is fucking high. They really are. They do their, you know, they come out with their fucking list of, you know, top songs every year. And, you know, Prince gets pushed ahead of Led Zeppelin and the Beatles. And then they announce Drive. Best movie of the year. Are you nuts?

[Allison Rosen]

Also on the list.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait. Give me some Rotten Tomatoes. Give me some Rotten Tomatoes. Because it'll come out in the 90s from the critics, but then it'll do something that's unheard of in Rotten Tomatoes. In Rotten Tomatoes, when Adam Sandler comes out with a movie and it comes out at a zero or he has a robust 2% or something, when Sandler gets into double digits, like an 11, that's a big day. But when a Sandler movie comes out that's getting a 3 or a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes, the audience will give it a 47% or 61%. The audience gives it a lower score than the critics do. And that's very rare. And that just shows that the critics were wrong about this one.

[Allison Rosen]

Tinker Taylor, Soldier Spy is on this list. Has anyone here seen this?

[Giovanni]

Maybe not out yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. It's good. Give me a Santa watch. Give me one of those. Give me one of those Sandler movies, whatever his last one was.

[Bald Bryan]

We just had. We just saw Ticker Taylor, Soldier Spy at the house, got one of those screeners, and I had to leave. I couldn't take it. It was. It was a little too slow, a little too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really mannered. It was a little. Yeah, but you were at. You're at home. Yeah, but if you're at a theater, do you think you would have stuck it out? All right, four. Well, let's see. 4% for Jack and Jill and 45% so full. 41 percentage points higher.

[Giovanni]

The audience you're trusting for your review of Drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Drive was much ado about nothing.

[Giovanni]

Same audience, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

It was not a well made movie at all. Oh, no. It was an amazingly well made movie that was not well executed. It was a bad story.

[Allison Rosen]

What did you like in this past year? And I'll tell you if that means the list, I didn't particular.

[Adam Carolla]

I just announced that I announced every Friday I was seeing Moneyball this year and I never saw. I never saw a movie.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's number four.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead and give me. They're all better than Drive the Artist.

[Allison Rosen]

The Descendants did not see it. Moneyball, Midnight in Paris, Hugo. Anyone see Hugo? Apparently there's a cute dog in there.

[Giovanni]

Movies haven't come out yet. Why do they bother coming out the list on December 7 when all these.

[Adam Carolla]

Movies haven't come out because they want.

[Allison Rosen]

To beat the other people with their.

[Giovanni]

That's ridiculous. You ought to digest a movie and think about if it stays with you, then it's a great movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Tinker Taylor, Soldier Spy, Margin Call, the Tree of Life and then a tie. War Horse, the Help and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. I've seen zero of those movies.

[Adam Carolla]

I got dragged to all kids movies this year. I had to go see like Rapunzel and All Hair or whatever that shit. Ponytail.

[Allison Rosen]

Tangled.

[Adam Carolla]

Tangled.

[Giovanni]

No, it was really, really good. Was 5050 and crazy stupid Love is all also pretty good.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard those were good.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm in New Year's Eve.

[Adam Carolla]

That is Open up.

[Bald Bryan]

And the thing is, apart from all the stuff we all love about the things we do, Monday was the premiere and it was just pretty neat. One of those things to be. You're on Hollywood Boulevard. That was. It was. You walk down the thing and it's just pretty neat. You look around and say, what was that?

[Giovanni]

It's New York Eve.

[Adam Carolla]

It's New Year's Eve.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, good Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you for. We're gonna save time. And instead of Larry telling you who's in New Year's Eve. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's not in it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna tell you who's not in it. And that's mean. Glenda Jackson.

[Allison Rosen]

She's in it, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she in it now? Then I'm the only actor who's not in it.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what's crazy? You are too.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bald Bryan]

They had like a sneak cam. But anyway, it's just. It's just pretty neat.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you play in it?

[Bald Bryan]

I play toe. Toe Driver. And then they get a couple of good scenes with.

[Adam Carolla]

With.

[Bald Bryan]

Hey, that's me. Same sweater.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Larry Miller. That is it.

[Bald Bryan]

That is it. That's what I was wearing. I recognized it from the other night.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're good.

[Allison Rosen]

The Secretary of Health and Human Services overruled an FDA recommendation that would have made the Plan B morning after pill available over the counter to girls under 17 in February. The company that Makes the drug. Asked the FDA to drop the prescription only. To drop the prescription only status for girls under 17.

[Bald Bryan]

Leave it to death roll.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait a minute, the fda, they can get it or they can't?

[Allison Rosen]

The FDA commissioner said in a statement that plan B is safe and effective and should be approved for non prescription use for all females of childbearing potential. But the Health and Human Services secretary, Kathleen Sebelius overruled, saying she didn't think there was enough data presented. So it remains as it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Data presented. This thing's been around for a million years.

[Allison Rosen]

I know and think, who are the people that actually need this the most? They're the people who are under 17. They're the people who should not, I mean, in my opinion, be bringing kids into the world. And they're the people who are going to be afraid to ask their parents or to ask someone for prescription. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if you ever read the book Freakonomics, they'll explain why the crime rate went down and why the crime rate went down so drastically. I don't know, in the middle, mid, later 90s or something, is basically abortions. Essentially. The kids that are gonna be the criminals are the unwanted kids that are born to the young teenagers out of wedlock. And they'll be the next generation of people who stab you at the atm. And us as a society, I have no idea what's in it for us to keep a fresh crop of these kids rolling in every year, but let's please do everything within our power to limit this. And Drew and I have been yelling about this for. It started about 13 years ago where we were yelling about this and the data wasn't in at the time, except for it was in. In Europe where they'd been using it for a long time. And now somehow the data's still not in.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, she's saying that there's not enough data to show that if this is on the aisle next to the condoms where you can just go and pick it up and buy it, as opposed to having to ask someone for it or have a prescription. There's not enough data to show that people will know how to properly use it. But what's the worst that could happen? You'll have a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. It's like the fucking. I swear to God. It's like the shampoo for crabs that used to just be. You need a prescription for it for like 20 years. And then at some point someone goes, whoa, look, if you got crabs, why don't you just sell Them this stuff. You can buy crossbows, kerosene and tequila without a note from your doctor. Why can't you buy shit that gets rid of a kerosene? Maybe Anna and a match. The point is just fucking. It's gonna be, it's gonna be over the counter anyway. Let's just get a little head.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

Do it here.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm sorry, I think this is a load of crap. And I'll tell you why. She's never going to have approved it. There's an election coming up and they want to look at this middle of the road as possible. There's never any way she was going to approve something that could be used potentially against anything.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's interesting because the fda though, came out and, and said that they think it should be available to everyone and she like has veto power.

[Adam Carolla]

That thing where they go, it's an abortion pill and kids are going to start using it instead of using condoms and blah blah, blah. And we never get it. Nobody wants to get pregnant.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not even an abortion pill.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's not. I've been trying to explain this to people for 13 years, but no one's ever listened.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean? That this woman is an employee of a group of 20 or 30 people at the highest levels there and they're never gonna do anything that would even make a headline anywhere. And it'll just.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Yeah. Nobody wants to be. Even if it, Even if you forget about science, it's not like the nutty right wing religious people are interested in science. Since when are they interested in carbon dating or this for that matter? So no one wants to get lumped in with the. Oh, she's into the baby killing. She's all for the baby killing. So there's nothing in terms of her getting elected or her getting put in office or her party or her whatever. It can't hurt to say you need a prescription from a doctor. It can potentially hurt to say, put it on a shelf. So you just make your choice.

[Allison Rosen]

It's easy.

[Adam Carolla]

No downside to this side of it. What are you gonna get? Some pissed off 15 year old coming to your house?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I guess we should look at it like it's sort of of great that people over 17 are able to get it without a prescription because that hasn't always been the case either.

[Bald Bryan]

Also, anyone who can pronounce the name under plan B can get one.

[Adam Carolla]

Levon. Levonorgestrel. Levonorgesterol. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

But what is the idea that if someone under 17 gets pregnant, their parents should have a say in what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

We get very freaked out about anything that has to do with birth. Birth control, abortion, and all that. And both sides of the aisle get freaked out about it. You know, just. You know. And it all falls under the heading of, you're playing God. And whenever that happens, everyone freaks out. But we started the show by talking about a woman who had her face ripped off by a monkey. And then somebody died, and they removed her face and put it on this woman's face. I'd argue that's playing God. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe an airbag that deploys fast enough so that if you're going 100 miles an hour and you make contact with an oak tree, that a sensor in the bumper will tell a sensor in your steering wheel to deploy before your face can make contact with the dashboard. Is that playing God?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe God invented Plan B.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

How do we know what's his?

[Adam Carolla]

Could have been called Plan G originally. But yes, of course. Shut up, everyone, and let. Let fucking science take its course, for the love of Christ. And let's stop shitting out the unwanted kids, please. They're ruining society. Take a look at all the societies that are in the fucking gutter. Take a look at those societies. What do they all have in common? Because they're all different.

[Allison Rosen]

The rhythm method.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They all share one thing in common, and that's way too many kids. Way too many kids and not enough money to pay for those kids. And then those kids have to go to work and they don't get educated. And then they have more kids and they have more disease and more famine and more blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's fucking thin the herd a little bit, people. Wake up. Give it a dancer roll.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rose. Yeah. You want to show a little love? You want to keep that pirate ship afloat? Amazon. Everybody gonna buy something this year. Christmas gift from Amazon. Well, you can click through our site, go to animprol.com hit the banner, and let us get a little moistening of our beaks as well. Doesn't cost you anything extra, and it shows us that you're listening, and we love that about you. Also, this week only, Santa's Workshop mini Christmas tree, just $19.99, comes in a free festive tin. I don't know tins that aren't festives. You know what I mean? It's not like, hey, that's a bummer tin.

[Giovanni]

There's a boring tin you got there.

[Adam Carolla]

What, it's not festive?

[Giovanni]

Festive enough? I mean, it's. I guess you could give it a label. I'd say festive, but not nearly festive enough. Step up the festiveness, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna ratchet up the festivity like 40%.

[Bald Bryan]

Mother used to send her canned meats in tins.

[Adam Carolla]

Comes in a free, free festive tin with free colorful lights and 12 free wooden ornaments. Unbelievable. Plus you can upgrade for 10 bucks. You get the snowflake ornaments, you get the white lights. Great deal. 800 ProFlowers. 800 ProFlowers. Mention Ace or go online. ProFlowers.com ProFlowers.com Click on the microphone at top right corner and type in ace. Don't wait. These babies sell out nice on the desk. You know, it's nice to have the Christmas tree in the living room, but it's also nice to have a little something in the entry hall there. That's what I'm saying. Proflowers, everyone. This. It expires, by the way, midnight Friday the 9th. So let's not have this mini Christmas tree turn into a pumpkin on us, shall we, kitties? Let's get moving. Alrighty then. Seems like enough show for now. Yeah. Larry Miller, cocktails with Larry. That is this Friday, December 16th, Walton Arts Center, Fayetteville, Arkansas. And of course, the podcast you can hear right here. New Release every Wednesday. Ace LarryMiller.com is where you go for that website. LarryMillerHumor.com Twitter, Larry Larry J. Humor. So if you until next time, this is Adam Crollo for Bald Bryant, Larry Miller and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Bald Bryan]

Can someone please ask him not to look? I'm reading.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Crawler show 716. That does it for this weekend's cruel classics.

[Giovanni]

Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments.

[Adam Carolla]

Until then, hollow and get it on. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Summer is here and Podcast one has a brand new sports podcast. It's the all new Pac Man Jones show called Politely Raw. Now on Podcast one, join former NFL star and Pro bowl cornerback Pac Man Jones as he brings you his unfiltered takes, raw interviews and stories as only he can tell them. If you love sports, culture and controversy, you're going to love politely Raw as nothing is off limits. This makes for an entertaining and compelling listen each and every time. The new Pac Man Jones show politely. Raw episodes drop weekly and are available wherever you find podcasts.