Bald Bryan (3:35)

Is that down, Down Train?

Adam Carolla (3:36)

Sounds like it. Yeah. Give me the Rod Stewart version. Cuz it's so. It's so good, you know? All right, so find me the Rod.

Bald Bryan (3:50)

Tom Waits version.

Adam Carolla (3:51)

Yeah, find me the Rod Stewart version. And then we can find me. And then, and then we'll find passion. And then you realize what, what lyrically like. If you listen, if you listen, just listen to the song. I wasn't planning on this. But somehow they got me stern. Outside, another yellow wind has punched a hole in the nighttime mist. I climbed to the wind and down to the street. I'm shining like a new dime. The downtown trains are full. Full of all them Brooklyn girls. They try so hard to break out all their little worlds. You wave your hand and they scatter like wolves. They're nothing that'll ever capture your heart. They're just thorns without rul. Careful, I've been in the dark. Or if I was the one you chose to be your only one. Oh, baby, can't you hear me now? Can't you hear me now? Will I see you tonight? Yeah. So I found myself with a nice buzz thinking, oh, I love the lyrics on this song. And then I realized, oh, there's no way Rod Stewart could be anywhere near these lyrics. Cuz he writes horrible embarrass lyrics about. Do you think I'm hot? Like he writes. He writes songs like If Austin Powers wrote songs, that would be his songs. Do I make you horny? Are you hot for me? Yeah. He's shining like a new dime. There's all these great lines. Now here's. Here's Rod Stewart when he's left alone with a Casio and a notepad. This is what he comes up with. Hey, Tom Waits, take a break. I'm gonna write a song for a second. Let's see. Let me get my steno pad. Something sexy. Cause the ladies like me. Yeah.

Larry Miller (6:01)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Adam Carolla (6:04)

We're looking at a picture, Rod, in this package.

Bald Bryan (6:06)

Nice, long intro. Yeah, like, long intros.

Adam Carolla (6:08)

Yeah. Somebody, somewhere.

Larry Miller (6:11)

Oh, come on.

Adam Carolla (6:12)

Mm. In the heat of the night. Oh, the heat of the night. That's good stuff. That's good stuff, Rod. Looking pretty dangerous.

Allison Rosen (6:20)

I'm reading therapy after looking at this photo.

Adam Carolla (6:22)

Running out of passion. He's running out on passion. Running dangerously applies to passion.

Larry Miller (6:29)

Well, apparently he's not president then, because even the president needs passion.

Adam Carolla (6:32)

Oh. You'll find out at the end of the song that someone's running.

Allison Rosen (6:36)

Was he president the whole time? That's a twist.

Adam Carolla (6:39)

Night in the city, it's hot, you won't find any pity. No kidding. The city, they're running low in passion Hearts are being twisty Hearts are being.

Allison Rosen (6:49)

Twisty Not a lap of cheetah.

Adam Carolla (6:53)

I didn't know what that was. Something about Stratego. Lobster Sarah said lobster martini plays Critigo. Yeah. I got a song for an idea. It's called Passion.

Larry Miller (7:06)

That was such a disturbing picture. Why did you have to see that?

Allison Rosen (7:09)

Oh, yeah.

Adam Carolla (7:10)

Ironically, there'll be no passion in the lyrics. Oh, here it is again.

Allison Rosen (7:14)

Oh, God, stop it.

Larry Miller (7:17)

And you're a woman and it's. It's annoying you.

Adam Carolla (7:19)

Streets on the alley.

Allison Rosen (7:21)

Thank you for noticing.

Adam Carolla (7:23)

Lot of pretending. Passion, everybody. Stretching passion, Searching for passion. Hold on. Once in love, you're never out of danger. Hot nights spent with a stranger in his package. He should be writing something called package. If you just saw that picture, you go to AdamCarolla.com, you'll see package. Even the president has a package bursting out of his banana hammer. This is Package showing some front pube just above his package, wearing it. Ill filling, ill fitting. Tank tactics. Package. Package.

Larry Miller (8:10)

And he knew about that. And the photographer knew about it because they did it on purpose. It was like the Janet Jackson bra thing.

Adam Carolla (8:16)

Hong Kong, Tokyo. I like when I start shouting out cities. Paris in Bangkok. Oh, Paris in Bangkok. You never hear about that song. They all need passion. Ship it in the radio. Eat it on the radio. He's making this up. Read it in the paper.

Allison Rosen (8:34)

Oh, you can read it in the paper.

Adam Carolla (8:35)

Oh, yeah, yeah. I wish I'd read it under the obits before he wrote his fucking son. Oh, you see it in the schoolyard. Yeah. Fun to watch 9 year olds go at it passionately. What's in love was. This song was a hit. This song was a hit.

Bald Bryan (8:53)

This whole musical era can be summed up so perfectly in that scene from Boogie Nights.

Adam Carolla (8:56)

Yeah.

Bald Bryan (8:56)

Mark Wahlberg's in the studio.

Adam Carolla (8:58)

Yes.

Bald Bryan (8:58)

Laying down. He loves horrible tracks.

Adam Carolla (9:01)

All right, so when you remove Tom Waits from the equation and you just leave Rod alone, you get night heat and passion and kids in the schoolyard running out of passion. My package needs passion. All right, we gotta keep going until we get to the president and some of the house. Oh, take it down. Interlude, Interlude.

Larry Miller (9:28)

On the other hand, 40 million supermodels can't be wrong.

Adam Carolla (9:31)

That's true. It was such a horrible time for music. And. And I guarantee, I guarantee this song was at least top five.

Allison Rosen (9:49)

Passage just south of the guns.

Adam Carolla (9:54)

Passage below the pew line.

Allison Rosen (9:59)

Passage north of the paint.

Adam Carolla (10:03)

What have we learned from this song, Larry?

Larry Miller (10:05)

Well, first of all, you've got to hand them being slender. You gotta hand the English guys being slender.

Bald Bryan (10:11)

But I. I can't do that so well.

Adam Carolla (10:13)

Yeah.

Larry Miller (10:13)

I just can't take when they put on southern blues accents. When they say midnight, I gotta go to midnight. You want to say, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Adam Carolla (10:23)

Wait a minute. Hold on. The President's coming. Can't live without passion. Oh, live without passion. Coming. Can't live without passion. Is he riding down? Even the President needs passion.

Allison Rosen (10:44)

Which president was he singing about?

Adam Carolla (10:46)

Well, I think you got to think Ford, Nixon, and Carter. When I think passion, I think the.

Allison Rosen (10:50)

D.C. follies that show. Some people kill for passion. Done kill for.

Adam Carolla (10:56)

All right, this is what Rod Stewart does. When left unchecked. This is what he comes up with. So when I was sitting back with my four beer buzz listening to Downtown Train, I thought, what's wrong with this song? That I'm enjoying it and it's coming out of Rod Stewart's mouth. And then I realized, no way came out of that fucking retards pen. God, is he a fucking hack. God, he should be punished. And I blame the people who went along with it because he's really the Charles Manson and they're really just the squeaky frahms. Like the session musicians should have looked at that and went, I don't know what the fuck this is. I was, by the way, the original bass player in Big Brother and the Holding Company. Janis Joplin would never stop vomiting if she saw this fucking bullshit. I'm out of.

Larry Miller (11:39)

Never mind. Genis Joplin. The people who wrote interstitial music for Mannix would be annoyed by him.

Adam Carolla (11:46)

Yeah, this is. Mannix is speeding off. We need some music. He's peeling out his Mustang. And then we're throwing a commercial break. Okay, that's good, dude. That's good. Or this. That's right.

Larry Miller (11:58)

Or the Passion Song.

Adam Carolla (12:00)

God, he sucks. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Larry Miller is here. What else can I tell you? Oh, so. All right. Rich Man, Poor Man. Available as we speak. $5.99, 73 pages, all color. For your ebook, you can get it on Amazon, you can get it on itunes. Still up on the charts. On itunes. Good day. Paul Bryan and Allison Rosen.

Allison Rosen (12:24)

Hello.

Larry Miller (12:25)

Hey, man.

Adam Carolla (12:26)

Sup? Show up, Mike. Do you have a picture of. Do you have a picture of my North Carolina dressing room and. And what was provided with the coffee? I have a writer. My writer says coffee backstage, six pack of Miller Lite, couple waters and coffee. I came backstage before the show. Now, keep in mind, to do a show in North Carolina on a Thursday night, we leave LAX at 8am, which means I leave my house at 6am we fly into the Kentucky Cincinnati airport, and then we take the hour flight to North Carolina and whatever. Either way, by the time I get to the dressing room, I've been on the road for nine hours and I want a cup of goddamn coffee before I walk out on stage. They had a bucket filled with every substitute sweetener known to man and every sugar known to man. And then two creamers, both hazelnut. That's right. Cause that's what I want. Now, you can have cream and you can have half and half, and you can have milk and you can have 2%, and then you can have hazelnut, but you can't just have hazelnut. What the fuck is going on? What is going on?

Allison Rosen (13:54)

Apparently the gas station where they stole this from only had hazelnut left.

Adam Carolla (14:00)

Thank Christ you have two of the flavor that I don't want in my coffee. So at some point somebody went and got a milk, and I dumped a little milk in there. But why is this your idea of sort of mission accomplished in the coffee department? Again, you can go to AdamCroll.com and look at this picture. It is a bucket just filled with sweetener with two. One hazelnut was buried at the bottom and the other one was sitting up top and I was feeling, I was sifting through the thing like. Like I'd thrown my WristWatch away to McDonald's because it was on a tray and I had to go through the.

Allison Rosen (14:35)

Garbage or your retainers if you were an atheist.

Adam Carolla (14:37)

My retainer, except for Corolla.

Allison Rosen (14:40)

Yeah, I know someone who had retainers.

Adam Carolla (14:42)

Right. Why would you just have the two fucking flavored ones and what is going on? And I feel like I need to.

Allison Rosen (14:49)

You should amend your rider.

Adam Carolla (14:50)

Not only that, I need to say, look, enough with the fucking decaf. No one who likes coffee likes decaf. And if they like decaf, fuck em number one. So let's stop when we go. When you go out to the buffet for the thermos of decaf and the thermos of regular. Thermos of regular is gone. A half hour in thermos of decaf always full. Tired of the 50, 50. No one wants to fucking flavor stuff. And if they do, tough shit. Or you're responsible for it or put it way down the fucking list. Don't have hazelnut as your only option. Whoever went, oh, this is great, I can make my coffee not taste like coffee momentarily by dumping some chemicals into it. Okay. So fucking mad. What is that? Why? Why? And would you say, well, we're done here, our work is done here. It said he wanted coffee and we've got a couple of thimbles of hazelnut chemical.

Larry Miller (15:46)

Let me just point out that you are wrong, sir. You are as wrong as you could be.

Adam Carolla (15:52)

What?

Larry Miller (15:52)

You are right on everything to do with that tub of goo. But you are wrong on decaf and I'll tell you why.

Adam Carolla (16:00)

Larry pointed at Brian when he said tub of goo, by the way. But go ahead.

Larry Miller (16:04)

Wow, I was hoping it wouldn't be that clear. You know what? No, you're. No. Well, I like decaf. I like strong coffee in the morning, sometimes a little later in the day, but especially. And I always have a cup before a show. Same thing I always have. That's the same thing on a writer, right? Coffee and gotta have cream and peanut butter was always good for energy. I always have peanut butter in the dressing room.

Adam Carolla (16:22)

Right.

Larry Miller (16:22)

But I love decaf during the intermission on the shows or anytime you can still have another. I like the taste, I like something hot and there. And you know what? I don't want to have three steaming mugs of triple caf coffee.

Adam Carolla (16:36)

Okay, well you're officially dead to me, number one. So I didn't know sitting there you.

Larry Miller (16:41)

Had just torn the lapel of your shirt.

Adam Carolla (16:43)

I'm going to play hypothetical road trip. The dead man, number one. Number two. Yes. But I would say that it was safe to say that even Larry Miller, lover of not only decaf, but disagreeing with the ace man. Hard to tell which one he has a greater passion for.

Larry Miller (17:02)

Look, Adam. Adam, right.

Adam Carolla (17:03)

Yes. I still think you drink four cups of regular coffee to every one cup of decaf you consume over the course of a week. Yes, sure. So that should be. Thus the ratio. So when you go to the hotel room and you can make your own coffee in your room, because we stay at the classy places, you should get three packets of regular and one packet of decaf. Not one in one. Because nobody uses the decaf.

Larry Miller (17:30)

That's why.

Adam Carolla (17:31)

Especially when you're traveling.

Larry Miller (17:32)

That's why I always brace the maid in the hallway as I'm going down.

Adam Carolla (17:36)

Grabbing the packets of.

Larry Miller (17:37)

Yeah, always say, excuse me, can I get some more of this stuff? And I would say, sure. They get some milk. You want some more decaf?

Adam Carolla (17:43)

No, right.

Larry Miller (17:43)

The one is fine.

Adam Carolla (17:44)

Have you seen, by the way? I feel like in the past there was a chance for love between you and the maid. I mean, just as growing up, it was sort of. I think. Here's what I want to say. At least around here there was chance for a sexual interlude between the old lady and the pool man. That's gone the way of the dodo. And there used to be a chance between you and the hot 19 year old working her way through college who look good in that tight outfit. Think porno. No, no, no, no, no. But yes. I never want to say no to porno, but what I'm saying is, is Blue Crush, Remember the movie Blue Crush? Sure.

Allison Rosen (18:25)

I don't know if I do.

Adam Carolla (18:27)

You have to do a surfing movie.

Bald Bryan (18:28)

Kate Bosworth.

Adam Carolla (18:29)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (18:29)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (18:30)

She was a maid.

Allison Rosen (18:32)

Oh, wow.

Adam Carolla (18:32)

At the, you know, Yma or whatever it was. The point is, that's what there used to be this idea of, hey, she's in an outfit. Hey, she's gonna be coming in my room. Hey, I'm gonna be in a towel. Hey, I'm on. We're already in a hotel room and we're half, you know, we're halfway home.

Larry Miller (18:48)

Isn't that what happened to that French guy?

Adam Carolla (18:50)

We're halfway. We're halfway home by not being at home. But if you've checked out any of the maids these days. Woo. By the way, ain't happening.

Larry Miller (18:59)

Universal. I worked at the place that produced that. I had a writing office there. And that poster had me gripped. No kidding. For about a year and a half. It is so sexy. It is so cool. And I can't believe that at that same poster is up there. The one sheet as they call it. I used to walk by with my coffee or decaf later in the day and I used to walk by and stand there like a nine year old with my mouth open. Yeah, that's important to me.

Adam Carolla (19:24)

Kate looks great.

Allison Rosen (19:26)

Kate has one blue eye and one brown eye.

Larry Miller (19:28)

Yes. But from this poster it's difficult to tell.

Adam Carolla (19:31)

We all have one brown eye. I like to see Kate's so Valeria, evidently.

Larry Miller (19:38)

And well, I've moved on from Kim Kardashian so I need something a little more like Kate.

Adam Carolla (19:42)

You don't really.

Allison Rosen (19:43)

But she's like half. You don't have enoughian.

Adam Carolla (19:45)

You don't have enough passion in, in, in the groin to get to Kim's brown eye.

Larry Miller (19:50)

Even the president of laughter needs some passion.

Adam Carolla (19:55)

All right, well that's the blue crush, everyone. And that's so much better.

Larry Miller (19:59)

I'm so glad they ended on that and not the Rod Stewart picture. Thank you.

Adam Carolla (20:02)

All three were maids. That's all I'm saying. Obviously based on a true story's version of maid. But see what's roaming the halls of some of those.

Allison Rosen (20:10)

I mean, I've never seen an attractive maid in a hotel.

Adam Carolla (20:13)

I've. I once when I was in West Virginia doing a gig with Dr. Drew, saw an attractive blonde chick who is a maid and I thought Drew had sent over a whore.

Allison Rosen (20:27)

That's what he does.

Adam Carolla (20:28)

Well, not every gig, but yes. Oftentimes when we go on the road, he likes to watch. Let's just put it that way. Don't be a player hater.

Allison Rosen (20:38)

Wives would get rid of attractive maids. They don't want them around.

Adam Carolla (20:43)

By the way, at a hotel anywhere.

Larry Miller (20:45)

Hotel anywhere.

Adam Carolla (20:46)

How do you get rid of attracted.

Larry Miller (20:48)

You know what, by the way, Allison's not wrong. I'll tell you why. There was a guy. The head.

Adam Carolla (20:51)

I still think she's wrong.

Allison Rosen (20:52)

The head of a hello comment card.

Adam Carolla (20:54)

Your wife goes in. Wife goes in there, sweeps the place.

Larry Miller (20:58)

The head of a studio I won't name. I went over with a friend to drop something off on a script we were writing. He had an au pair. The woman who was for the there for the kids. This woman was a knockout. She was a Swedish au pair. She was 19 or 20. She's wearing cut off shorts and she's spilling. She was so gorgeous. It was unbelievable. And we said we Knew the guy well enough to say, even though he was the head of the thing to say so exactly what's wrong with you to have her? She's living in the house. And he said the dumbest answer I remember I ever thought in my life. He said, well, today it doesn't matter. Listen, I don't need to worry about something. That young woman needs a job, and I'll give her this just to have her around. That the wife doesn't say, number one, you're crazy, she's gone. But that the man also doesn't say, what do you need that kind of annoyance for? And do you know what? He was actually divorced a year and a half later.

Adam Carolla (21:46)

Really?

Larry Miller (21:46)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (21:47)

Because of her.

Larry Miller (21:48)

Well, you know what it didn't help.

Allison Rosen (21:49)

Was her hot Mildred byna accident.

Adam Carolla (21:51)

Larry, I mean, pardon the pun, but is a man of great passion. Evidently you cannot pass Kate Bosworth posters without beating off. Is this before or after he dropped a deuce in the company can? Cause last time we're on, Larry spoke about, first off, not only his love of decaf, but his love of shitting up the workplace. Two things I frown about.

Allison Rosen (22:11)

I hand him a newspaper on his way.

Larry Miller (22:14)

Number one, that was a different development deal. I think you know it.

Adam Carolla (22:17)

Yeah. You weren't supposed to develop a bowel movement. It was a TV show. All right, Larry Miller is with us. Get ready to queue up the news. I'm going to give you my opinion of a company called Go to My PC. Mmm. It's the missing link for the iPhone. And I don't mean that in a CRO Magnum kind of way. I mean, you can remotely access your business computer or your home computer from your iPads, your iPhones, and whatever you got. You can get to your computer at your office via while you're on the pot at home, your favorite place on the throne. Larry Miller. Go to my PC. They got an app. App. Brought to you by Citrix. It turns the iPad and iPhone into your computer. That's your iPhone. It's now your computer. Unbelievable. Access the entire Mac or PC, by the way, or anything from anywhere. It's that powerful? Yes. You can do whatever you need to. Go to my PC Free. Want to try it for free? You can try it for free. Got a special 45 day trial, one month. Seems generous to me, but 45 days, that's like a month and three quarters or something. 45 day free trial. Use the promo code. Adam Visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the Try it free button. And remember, Use the promo code, Adam.

Allison Rosen (23:38)

Oh, Larry, you could sit on the toilet.

Adam Carolla (23:41)

Cassius, how's it going? Good, Cassius, how you doing?

Bald Bryan (23:45)

Pretty good.

Katie Morgan (23:46)

I just had a question for you.

Adam Carolla (23:47)

Awesome. What part of Canada are you calling from, Cassius?

Katie Morgan (23:51)

Nova Scotia.

Adam Carolla (23:51)

Did you call us before Cassius?

Katie Morgan (23:54)

Yeah, a couple times, but my, my questions got turned down. This is my first time on.

Adam Carolla (23:58)

Okay, well, what's going on?

Katie Morgan (24:04)

I was just wondering, by the way, I love the podcast. I was just wondering what you thought of the crazy prices for sporting events and concerts and if you think that they would ever go down.

Adam Carolla (24:14)

Let me say this just because. Because the great Howard Cosell reminded me with Down Goes Frazier. Sometimes people do that thing where they go, who would win? Muhammad Ali or Mike Tyson in their prime? And all the younger people go, mike Tyson in his prime, unbeatable, unstoppable. He was a rhino in the ring. I mean, he was unbelievable. He was a killing machine. And people don't realize George Foreman was a big Mike Tyson. He was. George Foreman was considered unbeatable and unstoppable. He was. First off, Mike Tyson is 5' 10, 5' 11, 214, 15, 16 pounds when he fought. George Foreman is 6' 3 plus. And he was 235 and he was a big heavyweight and he was considered unstoppable.

Larry Miller (25:08)

Hardest puncher in the world.

Adam Carolla (25:10)

Hurting people, throwing them around like, manhandling guys, like it was that sort of thing where fuck form, he's so big and so strong, he's just going to hurt. And people are like, he's going to kill Muhammad Ali in the ring. And Muhammad Ali worked out a little matador thing with him and he did it. And I'm not saying thank you for showing me a picture of George Foreman from 1993 after he came back after 35 years. Cuz that's exactly what I was looking for when I was talking about that fight from 1973, I'm fire you and burn down your friggin house.

Larry Miller (25:46)

But the look on his face.

Adam Carolla (25:47)

No, no, they got, they're, they're on a roll in there and they cannot ever, they can't fuck up by not fucking up, by the way.

Larry Miller (25:55)

Stacked up against that George Foreman picture. I'll take the Rod Stewart picture again.

Allison Rosen (25:59)

But you know, don't do that to me.

Adam Carolla (26:01)

No.

Allison Rosen (26:04)

I said, if I'm being fronted.

Adam Carolla (26:06)

By pubes, I'm saying. And you can say, and I'm a big Tyson fan and in his prime he was unstoppable and all that kind of stuff. But if you want to do the. In his prime. In his prime. Let' forget there was such a character who was Mike Tyson by the name of George Foreman, who tore the grill bigger and heavier and more intimidating than Tyson was. And more unbelievable in the early 70s. And Muhammad Ali figured out a way to whoop him, as he would say. So if that's any indication, that was.

Larry Miller (26:39)

The Rumble in the Jungle. And that look on Foreman's face was so mean, but he messed him up so bad emotionally, the whole continent was cheering Ali. There's a great HBO special on that whole fight.

Adam Carolla (26:51)

Yeah.

Larry Miller (26:51)

And it was really something. That was the Rope a dope. That was the first time. The Rope a dope.

Adam Carolla (26:54)

Muhammad Ali was the greatest salesman and the greatest. He was better than P.T. barnum. He fought Joe Frazier and convinced everybody that Joe Frazier was the white guy in the fight. Joe Frazier, as we've learned from his demise recently product. His parents were sharecroppers in the South. He was the blackest man on the planet. The planet. When he died, I feel like lost a small battalion of black. He took more black with him than just one black man. Boy, was he black. He was the blackest skinned. He was the blackest actor. They picked like cotton. He grew up. I mean, his story is that. That of the blackest man on the planet. And somehow Muhammad Ali convinced the world that if you root for this guy, you're rooting for whitey.

Larry Miller (27:53)

By the way, Frazier never forgot him. Never forgave and forgot it was too much hurt there.

Adam Carolla (27:59)

Now, he shouldn't have either because he took care of Muhammad Ali and he did a lot of things needed for him and all that kind of. And he got everyone convinced that he was the choice of, you know, that if you voted for Ford, you should vote for Frazier. All right. Anyway, Cassius, sorry about talking about your guys you never heard of.

Allison Rosen (28:20)

Years old.

Adam Carolla (28:20)

I know. They're all gone. Sorry. Go ahead. So you want me to just say overpriced. Yeah, sorry. Overpriced sporting events, you know, they will. The market will get what the market wants, will bear. You know what I mean? Like, people do all that thing. I see those car auctions all the time. It's like, oh, an alloy gull wing. 1955 Mercedes went for $4.3 million. And someone will go, why is it worth 4.3? Because there's 28 of them on the planet. And somebody who's super rich wants one. And that's why I don't know that it's worth that or not worth that. It's how many courtside Laker seats are there, how many tickets are there to any given super bowl, and how many Americans would like to go, and that's the price, or what network's it on? And what shitty show do you have on that network coming up later in the week? And then you get to be filmed out in the crowd not paying attention.

Bald Bryan (29:20)

That's the minority, though, admittedly.

Adam Carolla (29:21)

Yes. Yes. All right, wait a minute. Someone wants to compliment me up there, I gotta hop on that one. Molly?

Katie Morgan (29:29)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (29:30)

How are you, Molly?

Katie Morgan (29:31)

I'm great. How are you?

Adam Carolla (29:32)

Good. What's up?

Katie Morgan (29:34)

It was an amazing show on Saturday. Had an amazing time.

Adam Carolla (29:39)

Did you go to the early show or the late show?

Katie Morgan (29:42)

I went to the early show. I had tickets for both. And now I'm regretting that I didn't go to both.

Adam Carolla (29:47)

But you bought tickets for both?

Katie Morgan (29:50)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (29:52)

Why'd you buy tickets for both?

Katie Morgan (29:55)

Because I love you.

Adam Carolla (29:56)

Okay. Now why didn't you go then? What the fuck?

Katie Morgan (30:00)

Okay, this is. My mindset was I was too nervous to go to the second one.

Adam Carolla (30:07)

Really?

Katie Morgan (30:09)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (30:10)

She just put on £30 in my mind. Sorry, Molly. Why too nervous to go the second one? You went to the first one.

Katie Morgan (30:19)

I know. I was front row center.

Allison Rosen (30:22)

Is she a great big fat person?

Adam Carolla (30:25)

I didn't pick on you at all, did I?

Katie Morgan (30:28)

No, not at all.

Adam Carolla (30:29)

No. Okay. You enjoyed the show. I had a guy tell me he bought. He paid a scalper to go. And I just felt like I immediately became everyone in my family and went, what? No, no, he's just. He's nobody. He's not special. What are you doing? No, I remember just going like, oh, no. Like I was gonna follow him home and do an extra 10 minutes for him or something like, scalper. $35 is way too much already now. How much? $90. I was like, are you nuts? Such a fucked up family. Yeah. So what'd you do with your ticket for the second show?

Allison Rosen (31:08)

Scalped it.

Katie Morgan (31:10)

I kept it. It's in my. It's in my book. Your book?

Adam Carolla (31:15)

Oh, it's in the book. And her ticket book a ticket. She didn't use her scrapbook. Yeah. You were too nervous to come by after the show and say hi and take a picture.

Katie Morgan (31:26)

No, that's the thing. I did. And I freaked. I froze. I froze.

Adam Carolla (31:32)

Yeah. And you didn't say anything. Did we take a picture?

Katie Morgan (31:36)

Yes, I think we did. We did. And I remember, like, wanting. I was kind of drunk, but I wanted to go up and be like, how's your dog? Because My name's Molly, too. And I got up there and I froze. And I don't even think I shook your hand.

Allison Rosen (31:57)

Adam appreciates that.

Adam Carolla (31:58)

I like that. Great story. Thanks. Molly, did you know that even the President needed passion? Because you're calling from the D.C. area.

Katie Morgan (32:09)

Baltimore.

Adam Carolla (32:09)

Yeah. How about those Ravens?

Katie Morgan (32:12)

Oh, God.

Adam Carolla (32:14)

Yeah. And that's all.

Katie Morgan (32:15)

That was a horrible night.

Adam Carolla (32:17)

Oh, my God. And that's all you guys have to. All right, thanks. Hey, next time we're in town, baby, come up.

Katie Morgan (32:24)

I will. I'll go twice. I won't be as nervous.

Adam Carolla (32:26)

Yeah, let's be cool. And don't buy the tickets and then at least scalp them. There's. That means there's an empty seat in there, right?

Katie Morgan (32:33)

Well, I liked the fact the second ticket that I bought for your show, it was like an actual ticket ticket. Like the stub that, like, you can put it in scrapbook. And the first ones I just printed offline, so.

Adam Carolla (32:46)

Oh, I see. Molly, are you single?

Larry Miller (32:49)

Leave the way, chubby.

Adam Carolla (32:50)

See if we can work this out. You single gal?

Katie Morgan (32:54)

No.

Adam Carolla (32:54)

You got a man?

Katie Morgan (32:56)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (32:57)

Does he treat you right? Okay, well, that's fine. He doesn't need to show off.

Larry Miller (33:02)

Terrible.

Adam Carolla (33:03)

Now, was this.

Kane (33:06)

Was this the gal who was crying.

Larry Miller (33:07)

When she met you?

Adam Carolla (33:09)

Were you crying when you met me?

Katie Morgan (33:11)

Oh, God.

Adam Carolla (33:12)

Was I. Were you crying? Is this a picture? Am I looking at a picture of you next to a skinny guy in a ski beanie with two of my books and the hammer?

Katie Morgan (33:23)

Oh, fuck.

Adam Carolla (33:27)

Wow, Mike. Mike's pretty damn good. Don't fuck around with Mike.

Larry Miller (33:32)

Is that your husband?

Katie Morgan (33:34)

No, We've been dating for five or six years.

Bald Bryan (33:39)

That's what Seth Green's been up to.

Adam Carolla (33:40)

Oh, wait. Is that the guy who doesn't want any kids or is that somebody else? Yes.

Katie Morgan (33:46)

There's a guy that didn't want any kids. And then we were at the front row.

Adam Carolla (33:49)

Yeah, I remember you. Yeah, I was complaining about my kids because my. I just got off the phone with my daughter, and she told me I was gonna be dead by the time she got married.

Allison Rosen (33:59)

Right.

Adam Carolla (33:59)

Yeah. She's sweet.

Allison Rosen (34:00)

She's marrying Jared.

Adam Carolla (34:01)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (34:02)

They're going on a snow day.

Larry Miller (34:03)

And by the way, she's gonna get married soon.

Adam Carolla (34:04)

And she told me that Rod Stewart's version of Passion was her favorite song of all time.

Allison Rosen (34:08)

Then she said she likes flavored creamer.

Adam Carolla (34:11)

And her nude good looking daddy. The average sized penis who walked her down the aisle would be singing Passion to her by Rod Stewart.

Allison Rosen (34:19)

She added average sized penis.

Adam Carolla (34:21)

I may have thought that you Know what?

Bald Bryan (34:23)

It's clear.

Adam Carolla (34:23)

Sometimes it's hard to tell what people say and what you think they said. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. I mean, Molly, Molly, Molly. It's okay. And that man of yours ought to treat you better. And I think you guys ought to have kids.

Katie Morgan (34:41)

No.

Adam Carolla (34:41)

Okay, well, you're only 22, right?

Katie Morgan (34:44)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (34:45)

All right, so give it a few years, and then have some kids. All right?

Larry Miller (34:48)

Hey, Molly, have you ever said, when you're drunk and you're both having a big fight, have you ever screamed, why can't you be more like Adam?

Katie Morgan (35:00)

He gets mad at me because he says that I get really aggressive and start screaming. And he starts like, quit being like Adam.

Adam Carolla (35:09)

I'm really upset.

Bald Bryan (35:10)

Adam's wife says that to him.

Adam Carolla (35:11)

I'm a pussycat. All right, Molly, thanks for coming by. I hope you get pregnant soon. All right. Thanks for buying the book and all that stuff. Everyone brings their books, and they bring their hammer jackets and all that stuff. It's lovely. All right. You want to do a little news? Should we get started? A little bit of news with Allison Rosen.

Larry Miller (35:32)

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

Adam Carolla (35:35)

It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

Larry Miller (35:42)

It's Allison.

Adam Carolla (35:44)

Allison.

Allison Rosen (35:48)

Police have identified the man whose head, hands, and feet were found in Bronson Canyon. His name is Herve Medellin. He's 66. Was 66 years old. He's a retired Mexicana Airlines employee, divorced and childless. He lived with a male roommate who some reports say was his boyfriend. And here's an interesting wrinkle to the story. Brad Pitt's bodyguard was questioned because Pitt lives in the neighborhood where they were questioning a lot of people. But one of them was Brad Pitt's bodyguard.

Adam Carolla (36:17)

Yeah, I used to live right in there.

Allison Rosen (36:19)

So it.

Adam Carolla (36:20)

But they just question him. They need to figure out a distinction between questioning somebody like, hey, man, you were standing out in the yard smoking when this may have went down. Did you hear anything? And questioning them because you'd watch the news or those entertainment shows, and they play those. Get ready with the music. Sting. Bald Brian. But they do the. A head was found in Bronson Canyon, and Brad Pitt's bodyguard was being questioned.

Allison Rosen (36:52)

What did Brad Pitt's bodyguard have to do with the head, hands, and feet that were found in Bronson Canyon?

Adam Carolla (36:57)

Right. And then they come back and they go, brad Pitt's bodyguard had nothing to do with It. But he was on call during the time. That's true. And it's like, did you guys not know that before you went to the commercial, you asked why did. Why you fucking doing this? And that's fine. But don't pretend you're selling news here.

Larry Miller (37:16)

Yeah, the questioning wasn't with a phone book and the big light in the face.

Adam Carolla (37:19)

Right. That's what I want. Yeah. I like what they. I miss. When they would offer people cigarettes before they question. Just that smoke.

Larry Miller (37:27)

Yeah, that was the good cop.

Adam Carolla (37:29)

The good cop. You knew the good cop because he'd offer the smoke, and it was the same move. Never been able to do it with a pack of cigarettes. Where you do that hand thing and one comes out. That's right. They either all fall on the floor or nothing comes out. And you start hitting on it, beating on it at a certain point. And your partner's like, frank, leave it alone. No, I gotta do the cool cop move, the good cop move, where I offer the one, I do the one thing with my hand and the one thing.

Allison Rosen (37:51)

I'm sorry, you bought a box. That's not gonna work.

Adam Carolla (37:53)

Should have got it sitting it.

Allison Rosen (37:54)

Soft pack.

Adam Carolla (37:55)

Soft pack. Oh. Oh. So the crush proof. What about the crush proof, though? I drive up, it's one or the other. Yeah, but one. Sometimes I sit on these things and.

Allison Rosen (38:02)

You know what else you're not good at? That thing where you snap and you get the Zippo lighter thing to light. Well, I've seen you do it, and you're not doing it.

Adam Carolla (38:10)

Well, you don't think it. But I do use a scented candle, which can be not only nice. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (38:17)

But vanilla cupcake.

Adam Carolla (38:18)

Maybe it's sending the wrong message.

Larry Miller (38:19)

What was the scent? Hazel?

Adam Carolla (38:21)

Yes, that's what it was. Passion fruit. Good name for Rod Stewart. Passion fruit.

Larry Miller (38:28)

You know what? If he were president, that would be the Secret Service code name for him.

Adam Carolla (38:31)

Passion fruit. All right, so what happened to him? Oh, God. Come on.

Allison Rosen (38:42)

We don't know yet. They're not releasing all the details of the investigation because it's still underway.

Adam Carolla (38:46)

But.

Allison Rosen (38:46)

But. Gay, retired airline worker, headless.

Bald Bryan (38:51)

You do the math.

Allison Rosen (38:54)

Thank you for saying. Gabby Giffords has announced via a YouTube video that she's stepping down this week.

Adam Carolla (39:03)

Yeah, she's the one that got shot.

Allison Rosen (39:05)

Come on, Bob. Bryan.

Adam Carolla (39:07)

I thought she was Gabriel or something. Was she always Gabby? I mean, that was me. Gabrielle or Gabrielle. I mean, not Gabrielle, but I thought she was Gabrielle.

Allison Rosen (39:16)

Gabrielle.

Adam Carolla (39:16)

Gabrielle.

Allison Rosen (39:17)

Well, some people call her Gabby. Some people call her Gabby.

Adam Carolla (39:19)

All right.

Allison Rosen (39:20)

Anyway, here's Part of the video, once.

Adam Carolla (39:22)

You'Re having difficulty speaking, should you go back to Gabrielle, you know what I mean? From Gabby. Yeah. Right after turn Giffords, double amputee. Maybe stretch is not the right nickname anymore. You know what I mean? Okay.

Allison Rosen (39:38)

Or Leggy Speedy. Okay. So here's part of the video.

Adam Carolla (39:44)

Thank you for your prayers and for giving be time to recover. I have more work to do on my recovery, so. To do what is best for Arizona, I will step down this week.

Allison Rosen (40:05)

Well, she's not faking.

Adam Carolla (40:07)

I'm getting better every day. My spirit is high. I will return and we will work together for Arizona and this great country. Thank you very much. Who scored this thing?

Allison Rosen (40:38)

Rod Stewart.

Adam Carolla (40:39)

That's the floor first. Yeah, it's the first thing. Hans Zimmer got behind this and, like, did a soundtrack to her.

Allison Rosen (40:44)

It makes me tear up.

Adam Carolla (40:45)

YouTube video. Yeah.

Larry Miller (40:47)

What a miracle. I mean.

Adam Carolla (40:48)

Yeah.

Larry Miller (40:48)

It doesn't. The music. Well, it adds to that. Is it like that Chariots of Fire music?

Adam Carolla (40:53)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (40:55)

Or there's a video of a baby bat being. That whose mother abandoned it, being cleaned. And that has very moving music as well.

Adam Carolla (41:01)

A baby bat.

Allison Rosen (41:02)

It's really cute. Yeah, really. It is actually cute. You wouldn't think it would be, but it is. They clean it with a little.

Adam Carolla (41:10)

She's got a little.

Allison Rosen (41:10)

I'm having a cute gasp just thinking about it. They clean it with a little Q tip. Cause that feels like it's mother's tongue.

Adam Carolla (41:16)

You better shit out a kid pretty soon, sweetie, because you're going nuts.

Allison Rosen (41:19)

You know what I realized I've turned into?

Adam Carolla (41:22)

You can hear your clock ticking like an Edgar Allan Poe poem. Here.

Allison Rosen (41:26)

Oh, yeah. The telltale ovary.

Adam Carolla (41:28)

Yes. Yes.

Allison Rosen (41:30)

I have turned into my good.

Larry Miller (41:32)

You, too, by the way.

Allison Rosen (41:34)

I've turned into my parody. My. You know what I'd expect if I were expecting. You know how I used to lampoon it? Now I am it.

Adam Carolla (41:41)

Yeah. When you're awful. When you're tearing up talking about a baby bat.

Allison Rosen (41:45)

Oh, here it is.

Adam Carolla (41:46)

Okay.

Allison Rosen (41:46)

It's so goddamn cute. Yes. It's so good.

Adam Carolla (41:49)

Did she sound like Stephen Hawking's computer voice or. No.

Allison Rosen (41:52)

Kind of. I honestly, I didn't.

Bald Bryan (41:53)

Or a sexy version.

Allison Rosen (41:54)

I didn't realize how much her speech was still affected. I think we'd only heard her speak in short little clips previously.

Adam Carolla (42:06)

Wow.

Allison Rosen (42:07)

Little Drac was examined for injuries. Warmed and comforted before being fed.

Adam Carolla (42:12)

Wait. If that thing becomes a teenager. Fucking sucks all the life out of your cow.

Larry Miller (42:17)

Allison, I love you, but that's hideous.

Allison Rosen (42:19)

I know. It is, but just you wait.

Bald Bryan (42:22)

Oh, God, that's ridiculous.

Allison Rosen (42:26)

There's lots of baby sloths out there.

Larry Miller (42:28)

By the way, the guy holding the bat is Jerry Sandusky.

Allison Rosen (42:33)

You can tell from his thumb. A warm, damp cotton swab. Feels a bit like a mother's tongue.

Adam Carolla (42:38)

Oh, first off, Huh?

Allison Rosen (42:41)

A tiny foam tip, is it?

Adam Carolla (42:42)

Oh, it's a tiny foam tip, all right, but. And at the end, they put it in a Cuisinart.

Allison Rosen (42:48)

No, microwave. Just wait, though, because at a certain point, the score really kicks in. Oh, God.

Adam Carolla (42:58)

You know, you're right.

Allison Rosen (42:59)

I can't handle it.

Adam Carolla (43:01)

My belfry's a little light. Like, I feel like I could use every bat. Yeah, My belfry is like. I mean, I have a. You know, I have a smattering of bats in there, but it feels. It's a little sparse these days.

Larry Miller (43:14)

By the way, Dracula at age 3 turned into this bat when he flew out the window.

Allison Rosen (43:20)

Look at a full ear. This is the music I want to play under my. From now on.

Adam Carolla (43:25)

Ozzy Osbourne's gonna eat it in a second. All right.

Larry Miller (43:30)

Gee, I gotta tell you, that's.

Allison Rosen (43:32)

I'll go on. But when he starts rocking back and forth, that's when the music really kicks in. Okay, so a few more details have emerged about Heidi Klum and Seal's separation.

Bald Bryan (43:41)

Just keep the music going.

Adam Carolla (43:42)

Yeah, Keep the music going.

Allison Rosen (43:43)

Yeah, let's go. Yeah. Because I'm gonna start crying when it really kicks in. I know the part where it goes well.

Adam Carolla (43:47)

Plus, Larry has to flush not only visually Rod's junk from his brain, but. But sonically. Everyone has to flush passion out of their. Come on.

Larry Miller (43:57)

No, this isn't doing it. By the way, if you have a tarantula video after this, I'd like to see that.

Allison Rosen (44:01)

As the days passed, he became stronger as his personality emerged.

Adam Carolla (44:05)

Yeah, yeah.

Allison Rosen (44:06)

And we discovered he likes to rock himself after being fed.

Adam Carolla (44:09)

Cause everyone knows that old cliche. He's got a personality like a bat. He's the life of the party.

Bald Bryan (44:15)

Oh, baby. Baccarolla.

Adam Carolla (44:16)

That's right.

Allison Rosen (44:17)

Here we go. He's about. He's about to rock, I think. Oh, here it is. This is.

Adam Carolla (44:22)

Oh, you bring it home. You could put this music just behind some good old fashioned vivisection and. And I. Tears would start. Start welling up.

Allison Rosen (44:35)

I know.

Adam Carolla (44:35)

It's inspirational. You're like, you know what? I got to torture a monkey. Yeah, you.

Larry Miller (44:39)

You could put Ahmed Zinejad in Iran in slow motion, running through a field. This music works.

Adam Carolla (44:45)

That's right sword going left and right.

Allison Rosen (44:48)

All right, where were need to watch adorable things. I also recommend baby sloths take a bath. Alright, so Heidi Klum and Seal. That's what we're talking about. Apparently she couldn't take his volatile temper anymore.

Adam Carolla (45:05)

What?

Allison Rosen (45:06)

He was angry. He had quite a temper. And they are denying any rumor.

Adam Carolla (45:12)

Oh.

Allison Rosen (45:15)

They'Re denying.

Adam Carolla (45:16)

All right. Turn it down a little, will you, please? All right. Did we ever figure out out what's going on with his skin? Is it something or is it nothing? Is it just something? I know, but is it just plain old? What?

Allison Rosen (45:31)

I don't know.

Adam Carolla (45:32)

If it was a white guy, we'd get to the bottom of it. Right. But some sort of weird tribal something that's weird and, like, no one. There's no answer. Right.

Allison Rosen (45:40)

Is it tribal or cystic acne?

Adam Carolla (45:42)

It looks like cystic acne. Right.

Allison Rosen (45:46)

Well, it's not in the T zone.

Adam Carolla (45:49)

The oily T zone.

Allison Rosen (45:50)

Right.

Adam Carolla (45:50)

Because I have a combination T zone. But the point is this. What is it? That. Okay, anyway, I feel like he's got attitude. Well, because his wife's making tons of money and she's all over the place and he hasn't had a hit in a little while and he's getting pissed off about it.

Allison Rosen (46:02)

And they're denying rumors of there being a third person and infidelity. At which point I said, oh, I didn't even know that was an option. But now I'm bringing that up. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (46:12)

Yeah. That's like telling a copy.

Allison Rosen (46:15)

I didn't have two beers.

Adam Carolla (46:16)

Yeah. I didn't know how fast I was going. But I'll tell you what I do know. There's no hooker in the trunk. That much I can tell you.

Allison Rosen (46:22)

No need to search the trunk. Yeah, absolutely. I definitely don't have drugs on my person.

Adam Carolla (46:26)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (46:27)

Scars are. Oh, scars are a result of a type of lupus.

Adam Carolla (46:32)

All right, There you go. I feel like there's a thing that he has successfully taken his weird scarring and turned it into some kind of cool urban something.

Allison Rosen (46:42)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (46:43)

That I don't think.

Allison Rosen (46:45)

And finding out that it has to do with lupus makes it less cool.

Adam Carolla (46:48)

Yeah. I don't. I'm not sure that John Denver could have pulled that off. We all would have just known it was a lupus. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (46:57)

Yeah.

Larry Miller (46:58)

I would like to Photoshop John Denver in that photo with Heidi Klum, see.

Adam Carolla (47:02)

What that looked like. Yeah, we'll work on that. Mm. Where were we?

Allison Rosen (47:06)

Costa Cruises is not only refunding the money to everyone who was on the Italian cruise ship. But they are offering a 30% discount to those who want to book a future cruise with the company.

Adam Carolla (47:21)

Well, a lot of people do that thing where they go. Who would want to go back on another cruise after this? And my feeling would be me, because what are the chances that we get two Italian guys that run us aground? You know what I mean?

Allison Rosen (47:35)

That's true.

Adam Carolla (47:35)

The chances of it happening one time are astronomical. Twice. And if it happens twice, let's face it, a safe's gonna fall on your head when you're walking down the street. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the people get hit by lightning more than once. Buddy, you had it coming. God hates you. I don't know what you did when you were young. Something cosmically, you're a rapist in another life. You know what I'm saying?

Allison Rosen (48:01)

Do you think it's a whole ship full of them then?

Adam Carolla (48:04)

I'm saying the one time, no. But if it happens twice, we got an issue. So I would have it.

Allison Rosen (48:09)

I thought of it that way.

Adam Carolla (48:10)

It's like the guys who get bit the sharks and they go, I'm going back out surfing again.

Allison Rosen (48:14)

Well, they're just dumb.

Adam Carolla (48:15)

No, they know they're the only guys who can't get bit by sharks.

Bald Bryan (48:18)

You're playing with house money at that point.

Adam Carolla (48:19)

You're playing with. Yeah, house money.

Larry Miller (48:21)

Well, that's. That same kind of thinking is that's like if it's a billion to one, that there's a bomb on your plane and that's still not good enough for you. You should walk onto the plane with a bomb yourself because the odds of two being on the plane are astronomical. So if you.

Adam Carolla (48:37)

Larry's right.

Bald Bryan (48:39)

Irrefutable.

Adam Carolla (48:40)

Moving on.

Larry Miller (48:41)

And I'll have some decaf.

Allison Rosen (48:42)

Anyway, so this is an effort to stave off lawsuits because there's likely a class action suit.

Adam Carolla (48:50)

Oh, put a bat down where Rog bat is. Fungo bat, that is. Anyway, yeah, fungal bat. Yeah, I think it's a fungo. They are going to. Ah, it's a long story.

Allison Rosen (49:04)

I'm suggesting that he has a fungus.

Adam Carolla (49:06)

Oh, wait, excuse me.

Larry Miller (49:07)

Put that back up for a second. I just realized something.

Adam Carolla (49:09)

He's with a chick.

Larry Miller (49:09)

You know what's really disgusting? That's so annoying. I barely noticed the woman's bikini bottom next to him.

Adam Carolla (49:16)

Really?

Larry Miller (49:16)

Normally my eye would go right to that.

Adam Carolla (49:18)

I gotta tell you, Larry, because I didn't even notice Rod Stewart in that picture. I was checking out that hot blonde lady's mouth. But you Were looking at who Rod Stewart's jumping.

Allison Rosen (49:26)

There's like a breast and a third on there.

Adam Carolla (49:28)

Wow. Interesting, because you got a young Kate Bosworth right to his. Right there. Anyway, the. Yeah, everybody. Is that like Britt Eklund or something?

Larry Miller (49:38)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (49:39)

Yeah, it is. Very good. Jesus Christ.

Larry Miller (49:41)

Very good.

Adam Carolla (49:43)

But if you showed me a picture of. Let's see. Trying to think. If you showed me a picture of any vice president in the last 40 years, I'd be like, I dunno. That dude. But Britt Ackland from 1974. Yeah. Well, I'm on top of that.

Allison Rosen (50:04)

That you should go on jeopardy.

Adam Carolla (50:06)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (50:07)

In 1974.

Adam Carolla (50:08)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (50:08)

Uh. Yes. There's likely a class action suit being.

Adam Carolla (50:10)

Filed as I'm gonna take Britt Eklund for 500. I'm sorry, it's not a category. Hey, listen. Huh? Alex.

Larry Miller (50:18)

No, I just said I'm.

Adam Carolla (50:19)

I said I'm taking Brit Eklund for 500 and the show has reached.

Allison Rosen (50:23)

That's also not even a denomination we. Do.

Adam Carolla (50:26)

You know what? Let's just make it a daily double. In that case, for a cool million, you want to go for a daily triple? Keep running your mouth, bucko. I'll come in and rob your ass while you're asleep in your next hotel. How about that?

Allison Rosen (50:38)

Gotta been found in contempt of jeopardy.

Bald Bryan (50:41)

Not again.

Allison Rosen (50:43)

12 are dead and still missing. 13 actually, because they found another body.

Adam Carolla (50:47)

Yeah, I don't think. I think those folks are lawyer. I think the first batch of rescue ships had actual Coast Guard and the second batch had lawyers on it going in there. Mm.

Allison Rosen (51:02)

I think you're right.

Adam Carolla (51:03)

Cruise boat chasing this guy orders a.

Larry Miller (51:05)

Meal after they go aground. After they hit the rocks, he goes. He takes the girlfriend down and orders a meal.

Allison Rosen (51:11)

Stress makes him hungry.

Adam Carolla (51:12)

This guy's awesome. I can't. I really. I'm sort of secretly in love with this captain. Cause I like. I like his. He's got a little something called moxie. Reminds me of a young me. All right.

Allison Rosen (51:24)

I thought Brian was the king of moxie, chutzpah and gumption.

Adam Carolla (51:27)

Yeah, it is. Is in like, in a weird sort of internal, more subdued way. This guy's flamboyant. I like that.

Bald Bryan (51:34)

I have the domesticated version.

Allison Rosen (51:37)

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Tibet Kunt.

Adam Carolla (51:41)

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right. Autoshepherd.com we're gonna do a little hypothetical road trip. Be prepared to be right for a change range. I've got a good feeling about this.

Larry Miller (51:55)

You know what? Me too.

Adam Carolla (51:56)

Autoshepperd.com Larry likes to ranch. Sure. All Jews like to work on their cars. You want to work on your car? Maybe don't drive a car. Maybe you got a jeep. Maybe you got a truck. Doesn't matter. They got parts. Over 200 brands, and that is thousands and thousands of parts. Auto shepherd open 247 free shipping on orders over 50 bucks. Bucks. Look, you work with your hands. You want to do your own thing, do a brake job. It ain't that big a deal. You don't have to turn your rotors. Let's change out the pads. Do the front Pads. Got like 70% of the braking bias in the front of the car anyway.

Larry Miller (52:33)

You're just saying that because, you know, I don't understand it.

Adam Carolla (52:35)

No, I knew it because when I was getting towed and the tow truck driver was dragging me, when I would jump back into my car, every time he tried to tow me, it was the rear end that he had up on his tow truck, and it was the front wheels that were on the ground. And I knew that I had at least 70% of the braking on those front wheels. And that's when I was able to drive off a tow truck. And that's what makes me a hero, ladies and gentlemen. That's my bat.

Larry Miller (53:02)

That's pretty neat. I'd like to hear that story someday.

Adam Carolla (53:05)

Drove off a tow truck. I was getting my car towed. It was in full upright and towed position, and the guy was leaving, and I jumped into it and hit the brake, and he started dragging my front tires, which were locked up. And he'd hop out of his truck, and I'd hop out of my car and basically just say, how much money do I have to give you to lower my car down so I can go home? And he said, no amount. I'm towing you. And at a certain point, after going around, around, around, and he's stupid, I said, well, what could happen? He's like, well, I come back without the car, my boss gonna want to know what's up. I said, do you ever get calls to go out and tow a car and then the car's already gone by the time you get there? And he said, all the time. Just make this one of those times. And he said, no. And he got back in his car and started going again. At a certain point, I just said, stop being an asshole. And then he did the thing that all good assholes do where he went, oh, you just called me an asshole. Well, now it's game up. It's like, you've Been acting like an asshole for the last 45 minutes. We're not fucking taking my money. You want me to follow you to downtown? Anyway, my buddy Tom just unlashed one of the wheels and yelled, unlash the other one to me. And I unlashed it and I drove off the thing. Wow.

Allison Rosen (54:25)

What kind of tool. Have you ever heard something like this.

Adam Carolla (54:29)

Little something called these? Baby, Baby, Just your hands.

Bald Bryan (54:32)

Tensicles.

Adam Carolla (54:32)

Oh, these. Yeah. For those of you who are listening at home, they take your rear tires, they put them onto these arms, they lift the arms up. Someone will find us a picture of this. They lift your rear tires up, sort of cradled in these arms, and then they lash the rear tires down with these sort of like, you know, nylon or canvas tie downs or whatever. And you just, you know, if you're used to loosening up a tie down like I am, I just undid one side, he undid the other. It wasn't really my plan. It was his plan. I think he was drunk and he said, go for it. And then I jumped in the car. The car was a stick and I started it up and I just drove it off the tow truck.

Larry Miller (55:15)

And you just popped the clutch.

Adam Carolla (55:16)

Pop the clutch, put it in gear. It's a rear wheel drive car. It was a BMW M3 and it popped me off of the tow truck and I took off into the night. And that dick got shit. Fuck, yeah. To the tow truck driver is what I have to say. And we should all do that. We should all drive up 45 minutes.

Larry Miller (55:35)

That's a pretty good story.

Adam Carolla (55:38)

Yeah. And I was up probably higher than that one. And we're looking at a picture, but the guy's in sort of either on his way. I get the feeling he's on his way up because I was up a little higher than that. But either way, you can see the lashes on the rear tires that were up there. And it's in a cradle. So it's a little weird with the clutch because you had to throw a few revs in it, pop it over the edge, but drove off.

Larry Miller (56:04)

Yeah, I. I take back everything bad I've ever said.

Adam Carolla (56:08)

Yeah, well, fuck that guy. Why should he tow my car? Was standing there. I mean, he could have just taken a couple hundred bucks and gone on his fucking way. Now he's gonna tow it. But the first. The funny thing is, is I jumped in, he kept dragging me. That's right. Otto Shepard. That's. That's right. That's right. Listen, if your car is damaged because you drive off a tow Truck. And I'm not saying all of you, but 70% of our audience has done this example right there. Yeah, that was only a $45,000 car that there's leasing. Autoshepard.com 24 7, everybody. You want 10% off? How about you go to autoshepard.comm. listen to me. I ain't no poser. I drove off a tow truck. Truck. My buddy Tom Stern will tell you. Saw half the guys from the man show. I was shooting pool. It was the most manly night in the world. I was shooting pool after the man show, and some, like, PA Ran up and said, adam, they're towing your car, and I just ran out in there.

Larry Miller (57:06)

The only way to top that would be to clean the ears of a baby bat with a Q tip at the end of that whole day, that.

Adam Carolla (57:13)

Later that night, while Passions from Rod Stewart was playing, save 10%. 10%. Autoshepherd.com 10% on anything on the site. Auto, shepherd slash Adam. All right, you ready to play a little hypothetical road trip? It's the hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers. We're driving to Florida. Hey, Javi.

Kane (57:44)

Get it on.

Adam Carolla (57:44)

Get it on. Javi, you want to try to. You want to try to help Larry Miller here?

Kane (57:51)

Does he really need help? How you feeling, Larry?

Larry Miller (57:53)

I feel great. And, in fact, I don't need the help, but I could use the force of your will.

Adam Carolla (58:00)

Mm.

Larry Miller (58:00)

Just to convince the judges here that I know what I'm doing.

Kane (58:04)

Well, let's do it.

Adam Carolla (58:05)

Adam Harvey, you going on a date with a stripper?

Kane (58:08)

That is correct.

Larry Miller (58:09)

Hey, wait a minute. Do you need help?

Kane (58:14)

Well, that's basically why I was calling. Adam. I know you've talked about having dated a stripper before. You never really got into deep about it. I was just wondering, like, you know, what to expect, because a lot of times, you know, whenever you go on a date with someone, you're just like, you know, what do you do? What's your work like?

Adam Carolla (58:32)

Yeah, yeah. And usually you don't get to see them naked before you go on a date with them. At least that's how it used to be.

Larry Miller (58:42)

Comics and strippers have a very natural bond. That's actually true. Comics and strippers have. Have a part of them that really relates easily. Yeah, I did it a strip or two.

Adam Carolla (58:51)

You did? Yeah. But back when she was in a giant champagne glass, she was doing the feather dance.

Larry Miller (58:59)

I was more of a fan dancer.

Adam Carolla (59:01)

Right.

Larry Miller (59:03)

That was when I was opening in burlesque.

Adam Carolla (59:05)

Right. No, my. The stripper I dated was. Was kind of. Kind of a flash dance stripper. It wasn't like today's stripper. And is this like a totally nude place or is this a topless place or.

Kane (59:21)

It was a. It was a nude place.

Adam Carolla (59:24)

Mm. Lap dancing. Was there lap dancing involved?

Kane (59:28)

Yes, there was. But the kind of funny thing that happened was I don't really go to strip clubs anymore. I used to a lot, but this is basically the second time I've gone in the last year and it's both times where with either a friend or a cousin of mine that wanted to go. And I went to this place and I ended up hanging out with the stripper. I met more than, you know, the cousin that I had there.

Adam Carolla (59:55)

Well, that's a shame.

Kane (59:56)

He ended up getting really drunk. I had to drive him back. But I got her phone number, called her, and we talked and, you know, we're going out this weekend.

Adam Carolla (60:04)

Did she give you her real name in the club? Mm. And is. Here's what I will say. Say, Javi, have fun. Don't get anyone pregnant. She's going to give you a rap about she's going to college. It's just kind of a part time gig. She's just kind of doing it for the thrill. It was kind of on a dare. Cash is really good. She gets to make her own hours and she can study during the day.

Larry Miller (60:32)

And her uncle raped her.

Adam Carolla (60:33)

And at some point, she's coming after you with a sprinkler key. That's all I'm saying. And. And. And a vampire bat.

Kane (60:41)

Well, I've talked to her. She is pretty smart. I mean, she, you know, she did give me the whole, you know, I only do this, you know, a couple times a month, only when I need the money and is paying. She is paying for school.

Adam Carolla (60:57)

Oh, man. My crystal ball. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Look, it'll. It'll come. Does she have a kid?

Kane (61:04)

No, surprisingly.

Adam Carolla (61:08)

Expect some dude that you're not a particular fan of. Like, guy with big arms and the barbed wire tattoo around the left bicep. At some point, some dude will surface.

Larry Miller (61:19)

Oh, you mean her manager.

Adam Carolla (61:21)

Yeah, there'll be some guy that will service. I'm just saying. Javi, both eyes and urethra open. Okay?

Kane (61:31)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (61:31)

All right. Don't propose on the first date and wear a condom. That's all I'm saying. You can have fun on the first date. You'll have a lot of fun and all kinds of stuff, but you'll find there'll be a little More baggage there than it'll be a lot of going to college, easy money, working nights, days free. Only do it a few days out of the month. Blah, blah, blah. There'll be more there. All right. Oh, wait. Javi's going to help you. All right, you ready to help Larry? Javi.

Kane (61:59)

Let's do it.

Larry Miller (61:59)

By the way, just watch and listen. I've been playing the game a long time. It's not an easy game. Learn from me. If you get puzzled, always ask a question. Say, Larry. I'm not sure.

Kane (62:10)

I'll keep that in mind. Larry.

Larry Miller (62:12)

Okay, let's go.

Adam Carolla (62:13)

Larry. Javi. Sounds like a Jewish folk song. Larry.

Cassius (62:17)

Javi.

Adam Carolla (62:18)

Javi. Javi, Javi. Larry. Larry. Javi. Javi. And Larry. Larry. Javi. Jav. Sorry.

Larry Miller (62:28)

Yeah, that was the song that didn't make it into Hair.

Adam Carolla (62:30)

Yeah, George Harrison covered it at a certain point.

Allison Rosen (62:33)

It's in the director's Larry.

Adam Carolla (62:35)

Sitar playing.

Bald Bryan (62:36)

Larry. Javy. Jav. Larry.

Adam Carolla (62:40)

That's it. That's right. All right, you ready, Javi?

Kane (62:42)

Ready to go.

Adam Carolla (62:44)

Guy who abbreviates words for no reason. Or chick. Is that a picture of that guy? Or chick who flies with her dog?

Larry Miller (62:56)

Oh, this is an easy one, Javi. This is a good place to start, because sometimes they're difficult, sometimes they're complex. Sometimes they could go one way or the other. This is a clear one. Number one, no one with hair like that can throw it in my face. And actually, Moose, the hair up. No one gets to do that to me. And so I will never, ever drive with him as much. And this will surprise you. As much as I almost need to strangle anyone who carries a dog in a bag, I will always ride with the woman, the dog in the bag, and never with a man who insists on mocking me by mooshing his hair up. Hobby. What do you think?

Kane (63:35)

I don't think so, Larry. I think that's wrong.

Larry Miller (63:37)

Well, then watch what happens.

Adam Carolla (63:40)

Wait a minute. Oh, Hobby's right. Javier. Right?

Kane (63:45)

With the guy that. I've had to deal with friends like this before, where they abbreviate everything, especially when they're, like, texting. I'll have friends that. Because, you know, they're off limited, limited plans, or they don't have as many texts, and they'll abbreviate everything, and I have no idea what they're saying. And so what happens is that I have to ask them to explain what they're saying, and they need, like, two or three more text messages.

Larry Miller (64:10)

And you know what? Just stop it. And just. And and just sit there and think about your stripper.

Adam Carolla (64:14)

All right? How. Hold on, Javi. Let's try.

Larry Miller (64:16)

You got lucky and you won. Now watch. Watch what happens now. First of all, I'm not even gonna worry about that.

Adam Carolla (64:21)

Here we go.

Larry Miller (64:21)

Let's move into the future.

Adam Carolla (64:22)

Well, I've been watching the shit out of this show. This is all over the television. Oh, good. The snotty teenage girl on the Scared Straight program. They got a new Scared Straight.

Bald Bryan (64:32)

I've been watching those.

Adam Carolla (64:33)

It is so fucking awesome.

Bald Bryan (64:35)

They still did the shoe thing.

Larry Miller (64:36)

Give me your shoes.

Adam Carolla (64:37)

There's nothing better.

Larry Miller (64:39)

Great.

Adam Carolla (64:39)

Nothing better. They take these at risk, you know, 15 year olds into the prison and they got the scariest guys in the world just screaming at them, pop their eyeballs out. Nothing better. Nothing better. Or. Or the black prisoner from Scared Straight. I mean, you want the chick or do you want the guys yelling? There's other chicks that are yelling at him. And then sometimes there's the chicks that you think are dudes at first and then turn out to be chicks later. There's a lot of them in prison.

Larry Miller (65:04)

All right, Javi, I'm gonna. I'm not angry anymore. I'm gonna let you pick first.

Kane (65:08)

Okay? I think it's the. I think it's the girl in the new Scared Straight. Because what you can do is, if you're on, if you have experience with that girl, you know, in all the scary situations, you can get other girls to sort of trust you, is like, oh, no, I trusted this girl over here. And then when girls associate that kind of rush, whether it's, you know, fear or suspense or that kind of excitement, it gets their heart racing. And scientifically, girls associate that with the person that they're with.

Allison Rosen (65:43)

He's a ringer.

Larry Miller (65:44)

Javi. Javi Hoffman. It so happens you fell into my trap and you did what I expected you to do, which to make the conventional choice of the girl who is going to be scared straight. It so happens you're wrong. You've always been wrong your entire life reflects this basic error. I would always drive with the black prisoner yelling at her because she would have terrific stories. What do you think of that?

Adam Carolla (66:08)

Sorry, Jav. Again, you're really on a roll.

Kane (66:13)

I've never played this game before.

Adam Carolla (66:15)

Unbelievable. I thought it was really.

Kane (66:16)

Larry makes it seem really hard.

Adam Carolla (66:18)

Well, it's coming down to a coin toss on this next one. This is Mitt Romney or Chris Christie.

Larry Miller (66:24)

Oh, man. Oh, that's an easy one. It's not a coin toss. I would always drive with Chris Christie and never with Mitt Romney, because Mitt Romney has never eaten a decent meal in his life. And Chris Christie would always be willing to stop at any buffet across the entire country. So it's always Chris Christ, Christie, never Mitt Romney.

Adam Carolla (66:44)

Why? Why?

Kane (66:46)

The problem with that is that.

Adam Carolla (66:47)

Tell me why.

Kane (66:48)

Chris Christie is gonna stink up that car really quick. And you know how much money Mitt Romney is worth?

Adam Carolla (66:55)

I mean, so many.

Kane (66:57)

That guy has houses within, you know, his, you know, several houses on his properties. Like, hey, Mitt, like, how about when we get back?

Adam Carolla (67:04)

Yeah, Javi's right. I don't want to hear him anymore. But you'd be looking for a Motel 6 or Red Roof fan. And. And Mitt, are you kidding? I have an estate just a block off here, and we can go horseback riding in the market.

Larry Miller (67:18)

I admit, I will submit to the ruling because that's who I am. I'm bigger than this.

Adam Carolla (67:23)

Right?

Larry Miller (67:23)

But I would always say Mitt would always go Dutch. He's not paying for anything.

Adam Carolla (67:28)

All right, so that's. Come on. Again, very generous.

Larry Miller (67:30)

Not even a question.

Adam Carolla (67:31)

Very generous, man. All right, we need to take ourselves a break. Larry, beside Larry millerhumor.com Where do we go to find out your. I don't have your.

Larry Miller (67:40)

Well, I got it all in my.

Adam Carolla (67:40)

Head of me, the show I love.

Larry Miller (67:42)

Doing so much here at Ace Broadcasting. Larry Miller Podcast.com this week with Larry Miller. There's a new show every Wednesday. And on the 3rd of February, I'm going to be in Stowe, Vermont, at the Space Center. What is that? The something center, the performing arts center. Spruce. The Spruce on the fourth. The next day, two shows, a matinee and an evening show in New York and Queens at. In Corona at the Queensland Theater. And then, oh, there it is. Lincoln, Nebraska, on the 11th, the lead center.

Adam Carolla (68:11)

All right, we don't need the entire thing. Then In March of 2013, you can go to LarryMillerHumor.com to find out all the dates. A lot of guts showing your face around here each and every week, Larry. Listen, and I really appreciate it.

Larry Miller (68:26)

I come because I know I'm gonna see good pictures of rock stars.

Adam Carolla (68:29)

Right? All right. Sorry, Larry. Better luck next time you play the hypothetical road trip game. We'll take a quick break. We're gonna. Right back with adult film star Katie Morgan. Yeah, back with adult film star Katie Morgan. I recognized her from her HBO show where she just stood there naked and talked about porny things.

Cassius (68:56)

I did historical porny things.

Adam Carolla (68:58)

It was a great concept because when you were just skimming through the dial there and you saw a hot naked chick standing there in front of a picture of, you know, Ben Franklin or something, you would stop.

Allison Rosen (69:10)

Was this show called Historical Porny Things with Katie Morgan?

Adam Carolla (69:13)

It should have been.

Cassius (69:14)

It would have been an excellent title.

Adam Carolla (69:15)

What was it called?

Cassius (69:16)

There's a whole bunch of them. I did, like, porn 101. We did sex quiz one and two. Sex toys. There's like seven or eight of them. There's a whole bunch. And they all had different names, of course, making it more confusing.

Adam Carolla (69:28)

Yeah, I learned a lot about the Civil War. Well, during my refractory period, I actually learned a lot. That's why I found I'm most open to suggestions because, you know, when I'm intimate with Tumescent, I'm like, buzz off. Yeah, but don't you want to hear about the battle? Nah, not. Not really. But then when I'm in my. In my refractory period, I'm like, oh.

Allison Rosen (69:49)

It'S the same for the war.

Adam Carolla (69:52)

Feel the same way. Katie Morgan is doing herself a show. One Night Stand with Katie Morgan. It's February 3, 10pm at the John Lovitz Podcast theater. And you can also Twitter her at the Katie Morgan. And also website thekatimorgan.com says you got into porn to pay off bail.

Cassius (70:12)

Oops. I did.

Adam Carolla (70:13)

What happened?

Cassius (70:14)

Well, you know, I grew up in California, and I didn't actually realize the weed was such a big deal when you, like, bring it internationally. But it turns out they get really, really mad.

Adam Carolla (70:22)

Yeah.

Cassius (70:23)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (70:23)

What were you doing? You're bringing weed where?

Cassius (70:24)

I had 100 pounds of weed at San Ysidro when I was 19. It was a really bad plan for personal use. Totally. No, it was horrible. Like, bad Mexican, unfortunately.

Adam Carolla (70:34)

Just a hundred pounds.

Cassius (70:35)

Yeah, just. It wasn't really that big a deal, I didn't think. But they were mad. Like, the government got mad. Mexico got mad.

Adam Carolla (70:41)

You shouldn't have your own weight in weed. No, that's a bad thing.

Cassius (70:44)

That's what they said to you.

Allison Rosen (70:45)

You're calling her fat?

Cassius (70:49)

I'll take that as skinny. Really? £100 would be lovely.

Adam Carolla (70:52)

Yes. No, baby, you look fine.

Cassius (70:54)

Thank you.

Adam Carolla (70:54)

So you decide to get into porn at that point?

Cassius (70:58)

Well, you know, I was looking for a job that was kind of flexible since I was out on bail and had court dates and things like that. And really, I needed a lot of money, too, for court costs and attorneys and all that fun stuff that goes with becoming a federal felon.

Adam Carolla (71:11)

So there was. You were Going to pick up the weed outside of the border right around Tijuana there, right?

Cassius (71:19)

Yeah, yeah. I was coming back from Mexico and.

Adam Carolla (71:22)

Somebody said, we'll pay you. How much did they say they'd pay you?

Cassius (71:26)

Okay. It's really embarrassing because they weren't even supposed to pay me. My friend was supposed to do it and he was supposed to get paid. And I was supposed to be like the cute girl cover, like, oh, we went to Mexico for the weekend.

Adam Carolla (71:35)

They need like a touristy blonde, all American looking person.

Allison Rosen (71:40)

I know. I've seen Lockup abroad.

Adam Carolla (71:42)

Right.

Cassius (71:42)

Terrifying. That show scares the living crap out of me. Yeah, absolutely. But no, so he didn't make it. And then I was like, well, I'll just drive the car. And I never actually found out how much I was even supposed to get. Get paid.

Adam Carolla (71:53)

Wow.

Cassius (71:53)

Yeah, I was, you know, a bit naive.

Adam Carolla (71:55)

Yeah, no kidding.

Cassius (71:56)

Oops.

Adam Carolla (71:57)

Yeah, let's lock up this prize.

Allison Rosen (71:59)

Was it hidden in the car or. I mean, where was it?

Cassius (72:01)

Yeah, it was. I just picked up a car. It was all like in there. They're just like, drive this car back and we'll pick it up from you on the other side.

Adam Carolla (72:07)

And.

Cassius (72:07)

Yeah, I never made it to the other side.

Adam Carolla (72:09)

Can I say this? This is not the Mexico I know. No, no.

Cassius (72:13)

They don't just hand you cars.

Adam Carolla (72:14)

Law abiding, God fearing, family oriented Mexico, especially T. So I'm gonna check up on this.

Cassius (72:21)

Okay. I've only been the one, so you know, it's my only frame of life.

Adam Carolla (72:24)

What you should say about Mexico. This smells like Canada to me. This doesn't smell like Mexico to me. Well, anyway, you cannot judge. Impossible to judge. No, sure, impossible. So now, you know. I used to do a little show called Loveline for many years.

Cassius (72:42)

Yes, I'm a big fan and very aware.

Adam Carolla (72:44)

And you have a squeaky high pitched girlish voice. And whenever we heard that on Loveline, we'd say, happened in the past. Maybe a little molestation, A dusting of molestation.

Cassius (72:57)

Not even a little bit? No. In fact, I had like an amazingly happy, very, if not too very religious childhood. If anything happened to me, it was God. God molested me. But, you know, other than that, perfectly happy and normal. Until I, like got old enough to realize that I just did not agree with what they believed in.

Adam Carolla (73:15)

So where'd you grow up?

Cassius (73:16)

In and around world. The Valley.

Adam Carolla (73:17)

Which part?

Cassius (73:18)

Reseda. I know, I know reseda in the 80s was not a nice place, but.

Adam Carolla (73:23)

What high school did you go to? Part of the time I was homeschooled Homeschooled, yes.

Cassius (73:29)

And the pastor's daughter.

Adam Carolla (73:31)

Oh, I'm gonna need you in case my wife ever wants to do homeschooling. That's proof. Yeah, you know what? I'll just show send over a few movies. That's all right. I don't actually need you in the floor.

Cassius (73:41)

If it's any consolation, I have totally normal siblings who also came up to through the same schooling. I'm the weirdo.

Adam Carolla (73:46)

Really?

Giovanni (73:46)

Really?

Cassius (73:46)

Oh, yes.

Adam Carolla (73:47)

So how'd the homeschooling work? So they did not want you? Well, you went to Reseda. You lived in Reseda. No one needed to go that fucking high school.

Cassius (73:54)

No, and my parents were not very well off. They certainly couldn't afford to keep us all in private school. I'm the oldest of six.

Adam Carolla (73:59)

Where was was your high school? El Camino or where would have been your high school?

Cassius (74:04)

You know, I honestly don't know. We were at like Tampa, then Victory.

Adam Carolla (74:07)

So how's it you took your brother to the prom? Ugh, I mean, how's that work?

Cassius (74:11)

No prom, no anything. We weren't allowed to date. We were very, very religious. Yeah, I know, right? Backfire.

Adam Carolla (74:18)

Yeah, that was the name one of your films.

Cassius (74:20)

That was the name of my high school.

Adam Carolla (74:23)

So you go, you go. You're beautiful, perky, blonde, and you're in Reseda, and you're down on Victory in what?

Cassius (74:35)

Tampa. I know. It's right in the worst part. I know, I know.

Adam Carolla (74:39)

It's so fucking depressing. It's just what's so awful about it. It's basically turned into Mexico now. Unfortun.

Cassius (74:46)

I thought you liked Mexico.

Allison Rosen (74:48)

First off, the bad part of Mexico.

Adam Carolla (74:51)

The people are wonderful. These are salt of the earth. These are God fearing, These are family oriented. They put an emphasis on education and family. And for some reason the country's wildly fucked up. I just can't figure it out. I cannot figure out why Mexico is so fucked up. Because the people are great. And who knew that if you took a whole bunch of people from Mexico and put them in one spot in essentially the same place, they would turn that into a little slice of Mexico. I could have never seen that coming. I don't think anyone could have seen that coming. Like if you took army ants and you moved them 100ft to the right and put them somewhere, you'd think they'd behave completely differently. But turns out they just create their own little Mexico. Right in what used to be Mexico. Mexico. Nobody could have foreseen this coming. Anyway, somehow the fact that you've taken one of the crappiest countries on the planet and taken a whole bunch of the folks that couldn't make any money and dropped them off right over here has somehow not been good for this part. And I can't figure it out. I'm not a mathematician, I'm not a sociologist. No one could have seen it coming. Nobody. Because they're the hardest working, proudest people on the planet. I don't know why the Valley turned out into a dump. I really don't. Nobody knows. It's impossible to figure it out. It's impossible.

Cassius (76:17)

It's a conundrum.

Adam Carolla (76:18)

You just don't know. But somehow it turned into a little slice of Mexico over there. And somehow that's not good. I just don't know how.

Cassius (76:26)

It was not nice when I lived there. I mean, the people were nice, but you know, pit bulls running down the street and stuff. It's a little bit scary.

Adam Carolla (76:32)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cassius (76:33)

But I moved as soon as I was old enough. I escaped to Santa Monica, so.

Adam Carolla (76:37)

Mm, mm. Now why was Santa Monica better than Reseda?

Cassius (76:42)

It has a beach.

Adam Carolla (76:43)

Uh huh.

Cassius (76:44)

And I was like, oh my God, I love the beach. So that was basically it.

Adam Carolla (76:48)

And it was maybe less like Mexico.

Cassius (76:51)

A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. I was actually right down on Main Street. So it was kind of like a nice little almost like a small town. It was kind of fun.

Adam Carolla (76:57)

I can't wrap my mind around that.

Bald Bryan (76:59)

Mexico has a beach.

Allison Rosen (77:00)

Let's find out more about the sacrifice and less about the Mexico.

Adam Carolla (77:04)

Yeah. Cause it can't be the problem over there.

Allison Rosen (77:06)

So you were the pastor's daughter?

Cassius (77:08)

Is that what you said I was? I was the homeschooled pastor's daughter. And it was all was good until I was 16 and discovered penis. And then it was all, well, uphill for me from there and downhill from them.

Adam Carolla (77:18)

How did you discover the penis?

Cassius (77:20)

I had a boyfriend and just went there.

Adam Carolla (77:23)

Had one.

Cassius (77:24)

He had one. It wasn't a great one. I had another boyfriend soon after that.

Adam Carolla (77:28)

Tossed that one back.

Allison Rosen (77:30)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (77:30)

What was wrong with his penis?

Cassius (77:32)

It was a little like. It just didn't quite do what I thought it was supposed to do in the way of like, everybody's all like, this is awesome, sex is great. And it just wasn't. So I thought maybe the problem was him.

Adam Carolla (77:43)

And it was, it was a small penis.

Cassius (77:45)

It wasn't tiny. It just was not quite enough for me.

Adam Carolla (77:48)

Yeah, see, here's the point where if you have a small penis, you shouldn't get super Ultra defensive. And defend the guy with the small penis, because then everyone will think you have a small penis, saying, maybe it was you, sweetheart. I mean, who's to say it was him? And by the way, it's not the size of boats, the motion of the ocean. Right?

Allison Rosen (78:07)

Right.

Adam Carolla (78:07)

Yeah, don't do that because.

Allison Rosen (78:08)

And it's also the size.

Adam Carolla (78:09)

Your dick actually loses an inch every time you make an argument. You go, some guys just don't got it in the pants. That's all.

Cassius (78:15)

It happens.

Adam Carolla (78:16)

What are you gonna do? Yeah, see, that's a much better way. Because now you guys think I have a huge.

Cassius (78:20)

I believe.

Adam Carolla (78:21)

Oh, yeah. Thank you. So you get the second boyfriend. Yes. And he works out bigger.

Cassius (78:26)

Bigger Venus. He worked out enough that we got married. Yeah, married at 18. And then, you know, with the whole weed thing. And we ended up going our separate ways as he went to the Air Force and I went to porn.

Adam Carolla (78:39)

And your dad, how's that going?

Cassius (78:42)

I mean, we're on good terms. It was actually seven years after I got in the industry and I was retired by the time they found out. I just didn't tell them because they don't watch tv. It wasn't like they were gonna. The whole rest of the family knew. But then somebody decided to tell them and I was like, sorry, uh huh. Don't know what to tell you.

Adam Carolla (79:00)

How'd you get out of business? Acl, Achilles. What happened? Too many concussions from heads going against the headboard.

Cassius (79:07)

Hey, you know that you can get dizzy from that if you knock it too many times? Yeah, but no, actually I. You know, I just. I had done so much. I had done like seven years, about 400 movies, and I was doing so good on the mainstream side of things with movies and my HBS stuff. It just seems silly to keep going with the porn.

Adam Carolla (79:22)

Yeah.

Cassius (79:23)

Moving up bigger and better now is the.

Adam Carolla (79:26)

By the way, do. Do porn stars ever retire? Like, you know, when Brett Favre gets up there and starts crying, you know, explain what's been. Oh, yeah.

Bald Bryan (79:34)

Well, as soon as the next porn star gets injured, you know, the desperate GM's gonna call her.

Adam Carolla (79:38)

Yeah.

Bald Bryan (79:38)

What are you doing?

Adam Carolla (79:39)

They retire your dildo, move you up to the front office.

Cassius (79:43)

Which people do retire all the time. Although an awfully lot of them come back. But there's. There's no, like, big announcement unless there's a reason to announce it. Like, I mean, Jenna announced hers, like on stage at the awards show to an entire room of angry people. So, you know, I guess every once in a while they Announced it. I just kind of slipped away and put it out in a little press release.

Adam Carolla (80:05)

Love turned Darman Greg. So you were how old when you got into the biz?

Cassius (80:10)

I was 20.

Adam Carolla (80:11)

20?

Cassius (80:11)

Yeah. Almost 21.

Adam Carolla (80:14)

Ever after work with Ron Jones. Jeremy.

Cassius (80:16)

I know Ronnie and I get to work. No, I love him to death, but no. He was one of the first people on my no list.

Adam Carolla (80:25)

Oh, really?

Cassius (80:25)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (80:26)

Do you guys all have no lists?

Adam Carolla (80:28)

No.

Cassius (80:29)

You know, honestly, I was lucky.

Adam Carolla (80:31)

Ron doesn't. Ron doesn't say no to a six foot sub.

Cassius (80:34)

Well, I've seen some stuff.

Adam Carolla (80:36)

Oh, he says no to deodorant on occasion.

Katie Morgan (80:39)

Aw.

Adam Carolla (80:39)

Well, let's be honest.

Cassius (80:41)

I was lucky enough to be popular enough and in demand.

Adam Carolla (80:44)

You had a no list.

Cassius (80:44)

I had a no list.

Adam Carolla (80:45)

Yeah. So you gotta earn your no list.

Cassius (80:48)

You do.

Adam Carolla (80:49)

Yeah. They don't let the fat broads have a no list.

Allison Rosen (80:51)

Right?

Adam Carolla (80:51)

They, they, they. Yes to everything. Yeah. Triple anal. Yeah. Check that box.

Cassius (80:57)

That is, you know, that's a very challenging move. I've seen it done.

Adam Carolla (81:00)

Triple anal.

Cassius (81:01)

Oh, yes.

Allison Rosen (81:02)

What does that happen to me?

Adam Carolla (81:03)

Boy 3 In the schooling thing is out of control.

Cassius (81:07)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (81:07)

I feel like that'd be difficult for all parties involved. Like a Rubik's cube. Yes.

Cassius (81:11)

Of human beings.

Adam Carolla (81:12)

Did she have to explain what triple anal is to you? Well, I mean, are you that naive?

Allison Rosen (81:19)

No, but I was thinking, oh, that must be three cocks in your ass. That's impossible. It's gotta mean something else. That's the math. That's the triple anal math I did.

Adam Carolla (81:27)

Right.

Cassius (81:28)

That is the correct math.

Adam Carolla (81:29)

I would.

Cassius (81:30)

She gets an A.

Adam Carolla (81:31)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (81:31)

Thank you.

Bald Bryan (81:32)

Three eight's.

Adam Carolla (81:36)

So no. No triple anal for you.

Cassius (81:40)

No, I didn't even do anal. I was the prude of porn. I didn't.

Adam Carolla (81:43)

Yeah, it's a great. By the way, I all feel like great bullet points for the conversation with your dad. I was known as to prude of chugging cock.

Allison Rosen (81:53)

The homeschooling worked.

Adam Carolla (81:54)

I was the hella wheeze of just fucking on film like I was. I did not do any analysis.

Cassius (82:03)

Nope.

Adam Carolla (82:04)

Never any double penetration.

Cassius (82:06)

Not. Not on camera anyway.

Adam Carolla (82:08)

Yeah.

Cassius (82:10)

So I saved the special stuff for my personal life.

Adam Carolla (82:13)

You do. You start at 20, you're out by 25. 27. 27, 27. Make 300 films in that time.

Cassius (82:22)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (82:23)

You have a no list?

Cassius (82:24)

Oh, yes. And a yes list. Of course.

Adam Carolla (82:26)

Yes. And who. Anyone else on your note?

Cassius (82:30)

You know, eventually the no list got just so long. I just had a yes list because it was just easier. And by the End of it. The yes list was only like seven people, so I really was, like, ridiculously picky. And even those people were, like, by types. There's like three people that I would work with for anything. And then the other ones were to fill in, like, characters in roles. Like, oh, here's my old guy. Here's my pizza boy guy. Here's like, exactly.

Adam Carolla (82:53)

How do you get your way onto that yes list?

Cassius (82:55)

Oh, well, we'd have to have chemistry and I'd have to actually, like, like you as a human being, so.

Adam Carolla (83:01)

Right. And chemistry mean, like, you know, having good sex and like. So you had a guy on the top of your yes list, right?

Cassius (83:10)

Oh, absolutely.

Adam Carolla (83:10)

Who was that guy?

Cassius (83:11)

It was a three way tie. Randy Spears, Evan Stone, and Stephen St. Croix. Any of that.

Adam Carolla (83:16)

It's like you're reading my. By the way, it's like you stole my list. Oh, I feel like I have St. Croix first, but it's as if you read my lips. Yeah. Did you. Did you get my list? Matt, did you give her my list? Porcelain Punisher, Matt. The Porcelain Punishers. Yeah. Out of the commode. Pull the mic into the bathroom so we can talk to Matt. Matt, did you give Katie my list?

Larry Miller (83:41)

No, sir.

Adam Carolla (83:42)

I told you the fucking list was between just you and I. Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry. All right, all right. Okay, bud.

Allison Rosen (83:50)

Well, now he's gone too far.

Adam Carolla (83:51)

That is our list anyway. I'm sorry. And yes, the hedgehog is on my no list, but he's at the top of my let's have a beer list.

Cassius (84:00)

Absolutely. He's great. I saw him like five times last week. We just finished our big convention, you know, in the morning.

Adam Carolla (84:05)

Does he know you're on his no Thigh zone?

Cassius (84:08)

Yes, I told him years and years ago. And he still asked. Just the tip. And I still call it a Smith.

Adam Carolla (84:16)

Hold on a sec. Stop. What does he say? Cause he's gotta want. I mean, that's. That's, you know, he's a legend.

Cassius (84:24)

Absolutely. He's like the legend. He's the most mainstream male porn star ever.

Adam Carolla (84:29)

It'd be like if you started a baseball team and you told Reggie Jackson if Reggie Jackson was super short, fat, hairy and smelly, that he couldn't play on your team. You know what I mean? Or fuck you. You know?

Cassius (84:44)

You know, people have their heyday. Like, there was a time in his life that I wouldn't have fucked him.

Adam Carolla (84:48)

That's right.

Cassius (84:49)

Not in my lifetime.

Adam Carolla (84:50)

Except where you weren't born by the.

Cassius (84:51)

Time I was old enough. Yeah, he was past My ish interest.

Adam Carolla (84:55)

There you go. You've got some standards.

Cassius (84:57)

Yes. I have my very own moral code.

Adam Carolla (84:59)

And did you ever have feelings for these guys on your.

Cassius (85:04)

No, not for the guys like, I worked with all the time. Like, I, here and there, would kind of. I don't even want to say date. I would have friends with benefits who I did have an emotional connection with in that I really like them as people, but I never actually, like, dated any poor. I was in a porno monogamous relationship for most of the time I was.

Adam Carolla (85:22)

In the industry now retired.

Cassius (85:24)

Now retired and dating, married and actually monogamous craziness.

Bald Bryan (85:30)

What's porno monogamous?

Cassius (85:31)

Porno monogamous is where you go home to the same person at night and then you only have sex with the people that you have sex with anyway. Like, no cameramen, no directors, no random friends of whoever. Just the dudes you have sex with anyway.

Adam Carolla (85:44)

Need you explain this to my wife? I didn't get all of it, but I like it. Just. Sweetie, I am porno monogamous. If you were not in. You don't want me in the industry, right? Well, I'm not, but I'm porno monogamous. I like that. Porno monogamous.

Bald Bryan (86:00)

No grips, no cameramen.

Cassius (86:02)

Nope.

Adam Carolla (86:03)

Yeah. Also sounds like the name of a character in a Dr. Seuss book. It might show up. Hey, it's Professor Porno Monogamy Milwaukee. Hello, children. He's got a crazy. He looks like Dr. Bombay from Bewitched.

Bald Bryan (86:16)

That's right, Kane. The top hat.

Adam Carolla (86:17)

Hey, I'm Pergo. I'm porno monogamous.

Allison Rosen (86:20)

You got a condom hat?

Adam Carolla (86:22)

Yes. Awesome. Condom talk hat. All right, so now you're married to a civilian.

Cassius (86:26)

I am, yes.

Adam Carolla (86:28)

And you've retired. Did they ever try to. They try to get you back? Because all that HBO exposure's gotta be pretty good, right?

Cassius (86:35)

Oh, sure. I mean, you know, they always ask and stuff, but it was like college. Like, it was a great time. And I got to experiment and discover my sexuality basically on camera. My whole 20s are on camera. And then once I knew what I wanted, I was kind of, like, done with all that and moving on into the actual career of having awesome sex for the rest of my life.

Adam Carolla (86:53)

Who was the ass wipe that ratted you out with the family and the dad, who probably was not happy about this, because I want to know who these people are. And as a society, I want these people putting a fucking gill net with an anvil in it, tied up and just thrown off a pier because there's so many fuckers in this society that think they're doing some sort of service to somebody by saying shitty things to other people about other people under the heading of I thought you should know or I have enough respect for you.

Allison Rosen (87:32)

That I, I would want to know. I would want to know.

Adam Carolla (87:35)

That's the lie, right? And you know, you know what if it were me, first off, I don't believe in secrets and there's something that's really mad and I have too much respect for you.

Allison Rosen (87:44)

Okay? I debated whether I should tell you. I stayed up for like an hour.

Adam Carolla (87:48)

Shut the fuck up you assholes. Please eat a bullet. Please put a fucking gun in your mouth. Because you get off on bringing people down, not sharing information. You ass wipes. You self centered cunts. I fucking can't stand you. I've had. Because when you're in radio, this is all you get. I heard Adam saying that you were whatever. Family members, wives, friends, they never hear it firsthand. It's just I. Adam was saying that you were. Adam was saying that you were Adam. Fuck you people. And you act like you're fucking doing a service. You're not fucking Jimmy Carter. It's not Habitat for Humanity. Shut your fucking hole. You're miserable. And you won't feel like you're alive until others around you are miserable. I hate you people. Who is this asshole?

Cassius (88:35)

Okay, asshole is the absolute right words. Although I do not in any way condone flinging of people off peers and.

Adam Carolla (88:41)

Such dry triple anal for this person.

Cassius (88:43)

Absolutely. She deserves it. It was my father's ex girlfriend from high school.

Adam Carolla (88:48)

Ex girlfriend from high school.

Cassius (88:49)

He married my mom instead of her and she was a little bit bitter.

Adam Carolla (88:53)

Uh huh. And she showed up at some point.

Cassius (88:55)

Oh no. You know, it's the modern era of the Facebook and the finding everybody the old school way.

Adam Carolla (89:01)

Yes. How. What did she do? And what heading was it under?

Cassius (89:04)

FYI, you know, I never actually saw the letter. I know she sent an email with like I thought you should the whole, the whole nine yards that you should know. If it was me, I'd want to know. Felt like I had to pass this on and like, yeah, you're still a douche. I'm so glad he didn't marry me.

Adam Carolla (89:18)

I hate these cunts because it's not like you're going to get a letter. Like if your dad did find out through some other source, like a, you know, healthy one, like beating off to you by mistake or something like that. It's not like he would send an email to her. Dear cunt, who I dated in high school, how come you were not aware that my daughter had gotten to the adult film industry? And thus, if you were, how come you did not reach out to me via email?

Allison Rosen (89:44)

How come you had a connection?

Adam Carolla (89:45)

Yes. From 1971. Like, really?

Cassius (89:49)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (89:50)

I hate those people.

Cassius (89:51)

So do I. I mean, I don't like gossipy people.

Adam Carolla (89:54)

The only. The only. I don't either, though. I heard this one was fat. The only way I get to sleep at night is I realize these people must be. Well, no. Yeah, sure, Ambien and alcohol. But what I'm saying is emotionally, metaphorically, sleep at night is. I think these people must be miserable somehow. They must have pain.

Allison Rosen (90:16)

Important.

Adam Carolla (90:17)

They gotta be miserable. Because I hear shit about people all the time. Part of me is I'm too lazy. And the other part is we were discussing this in the dressing room the other day when I was in Boston. Like, they go, well, these people are narcissistic a holes. But I think I have the ultimate narcissism, which is I'm not even gonna waste my time informing you about shit that could hurt your feelings. Like, it doesn't have to do with me now. And I don't get anything out of it.

Allison Rosen (90:41)

What would you do, though, if you knew that someone was cheating on someone close to you?

Adam Carolla (90:46)

Mm.

Allison Rosen (90:47)

Or. And this actually found out.

Adam Carolla (90:50)

That Vince Vaughn movie. Yeah, yeah.

Bald Bryan (90:53)

Dilemma.

Adam Carolla (90:54)

The dilemma.

Allison Rosen (90:55)

Right.

Adam Carolla (90:56)

If I found out that somebody like.

Allison Rosen (90:59)

Your friend's wife is cheating on him or something, what do you do?

Adam Carolla (91:01)

Well, because I'm me, I prob. Wouldn't have said. I'd say nothing, but there's some point where I might. There's little things, like if, you know, if the guy. There's a thing where I would probably say to the woman at some point, depending on the friend and the relationship and what I knew. Listen, I'm not going to say anything, but I do know what's going on, and I would want you just to just divorce my friend. Would you? I'm not even going to tell you, like, quit, whatever, but he's planning a Hawaiian vacation for you guys on an Italian cruise line. Vacation he's been looking forward to. I would try to convince her to knock it off, but I would never. I would never get in there and do it. Never. Not me.

Cassius (91:45)

I wouldn't. I mean, I guess it really depends if it was, like, maybe if it was like, my sister or something, but other than immediate family members.

Adam Carolla (91:52)

You made me think of a great thing, which is I'm now old enough where I probably know a handful of dudes who have. Have 21, 22 year old daughters. And I should definitely send them emails saying, I thought you should know I saw your daughter in a porn film. Just for the shock value, just to see what happens. Just to have, like, what, she's going to fucking Berkeley? She's at the top of her class. Like, just that bit. Like I could word it in such a way where it'd be like, you know, listen, I really don't want to have to say this, but, you know, I do watch a fair bit of you porn and I definitely. I know Kathy, and that's her. And you know what I mean? Like, just for that one moment where the guy reading it or freak him.

Allison Rosen (92:31)

Out more and be like, I don't exactly know what your daughter looks like, but I saw someone who looked a lot like you.

Adam Carolla (92:37)

Fucking her. Yeah, let's keep going with it.

Cassius (92:40)

Oh, Lord.

Adam Carolla (92:40)

All right, Katie. So your dad. Are you guys talking?

Cassius (92:43)

Oh, yeah, Absolutely. I mean, we didn't talk. There was a good year that they were pretty upset about the whole finding out thing. But at some point they realized it's been like the better part of a decade that I've been doing this, and they just got over it.

Adam Carolla (92:54)

Mm. Mm. And mom and dad still together?

Cassius (92:58)

Yep.

Adam Carolla (92:58)

How's your mom with it?

Cassius (93:00)

You know, neither of them are happy, of course, but it's not so much the porn they're unhappy with, it's the fact that I'm going to hell, which is, you know, really troubling to them.

Adam Carolla (93:07)

Oh, yeah?

Cassius (93:08)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (93:09)

Oh, in which case, you're back on Ron's list. That's what hell is. That's what hell is perpetually underneath the hedgehog. The hedgehog? Yeah. The hedgehog, by the way, is not shampooed in days. And I'm talking about. I'm not talking about his hair and his head. I'm talking about he's everywhere. It's just on top of you. And here's gonna be your hell there, Katie.

Cassius (93:31)

It's almost enough to make me believe.

Adam Carolla (93:32)

Again, here's what it's gonna be. It's gonna be you and Reseda. It's the middle. It's. It's August. It's the dark days of summer. It is hotter than shit. And you got nothing but a swamp cooler on the roof just buzzing away. But it is hotter than shit. There's the ranchero music wafting in the background and pit bulls running outside. No.

Cassius (93:54)

Okay, that music actually gives me panic attacks. After being in jail in San Diego. Because it played behind the jail 24 hours a day.

Adam Carolla (94:01)

What?

Cassius (94:02)

Yes. There was, like, a whole compound of people living, and they had the music up all the time. And so I actually, like. I can't go to a Mexican restaurant with a mariachi band because I get.

Allison Rosen (94:10)

Like, panic attack playing a noise complaint in jail.

Adam Carolla (94:13)

Ron Jeremy, you're on a filthy futon, and Ron Jeremy's just on top of you. And he's sweating profusely. Profusely. And it never ends. The penetration never ends. That's what hell's gonna be like.

Cassius (94:26)

That would be hell. I don't like sweating profusely either. I'm a little bit obsessive compulsive, and I have issues with bodily fluids, which made porn excited.

Adam Carolla (94:34)

Fluids are flying. There's gonna be fluids in the air.

Cassius (94:38)

I was in that movie, too. Fluids of Flying seven.

Adam Carolla (94:39)

Fluids of flying seven. Yeah. Well, if you're obsessive compulsive and you're doing the. There is a lot of fluid. How do you avoid the fluid in porn?

Cassius (94:48)

Yeah, I just explain all the rules ahead of time. Like the no spitting and the don't drool on me and. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (94:54)

Are you thought of as a diva?

Cassius (94:55)

Yes. I really. They actually called me a prude. Like, I was there having sex on camera, and people were calling me a prude. I am not even shitting you.

Adam Carolla (95:03)

What about the end part of the porn when the fluids gotta fly?

Cassius (95:07)

The rule was the chin on anything. Not in anywhere. Like, if they hit the cheek for, like, you know, visual, that's fine, but I don't want to taste it. I don't want to smell it. The smell is my biggest issue with the liquids.

Adam Carolla (95:18)

Same here. Let me tell you this. My urethra is not rifled. Think musket more than M16. You know what I'm saying? Spraying, you never know. I've seen enough porn movies to know that is. It's catches catch can with the jizz. Yes. Catches Catch can would be a good name for catching the can.

Bald Bryan (95:45)

It's a little heady. There's no sharpshooters in.

Adam Carolla (95:47)

In.

Bald Bryan (95:47)

In porn.

Adam Carolla (95:48)

No, it's sort of like. It's. It's like. It's. It's. It's. It. It's like this kind of. It's. It's like you throw a grenade, and the first time it just travels, like, 20ft, and the next one goes 90ft, you know, like, it's. It's hard to cap. It is. In that way. It's Kind of like a pitching machine. It's like a shitty pitching machine. If you go to a batting cage, first pitch will go, like, just strike. Just waist high, strike. And then the next one just bounces in front of you, and then the next one flies over your head. I mean, it's kind of tough.

Allison Rosen (96:15)

I don't know if I could blame precision.

Adam Carolla (96:17)

Yeah. I don't know if I could. It's more of a carpet bombing than a smart bomb.

Cassius (96:20)

You know, there are some boys with extreme precision in the industry. Although we definitely had our share of misfires. There's one that missed completely, and it went straight up my nose and was gone. Like, it was like a bizarre nasal injection. It was horrifying.

Allison Rosen (96:35)

Then did a baby grow in your brain?

Cassius (96:36)

Thank God. No.

Allison Rosen (96:38)

Because that can happen.

Adam Carolla (96:39)

Brain baby.

Cassius (96:40)

Brain baby.

Adam Carolla (96:43)

Wow. Wow.

Cassius (96:44)

That happened.

Adam Carolla (96:45)

No. Who you talking to?

Bald Bryan (96:47)

Speaking of which, is there anything more arousing and disturbing than porn blood? Well, also, it's horrifyingly arousing.

Adam Carolla (96:57)

I rented porn bloopers.

Cassius (96:59)

There's a lot of them. I've seen some awful stuff go down.

Adam Carolla (97:02)

I feel like if somebody gave me a jizz booger, I would give them a jizz loogie post haste with their own jizz. Well, I wouldn't go find another guy, if that's what you're asking. Right.

Bald Bryan (97:14)

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Adam Carolla (97:16)

Yeah, I'd be like, hey, thanks for the jizz booger. Now guess who's getting a jizzloogie.

Allison Rosen (97:22)

Oh, God. It's like a jizz neti pot.

Adam Carolla (97:25)

Ew. Jizzloogie was the last name of the captain over there in Italy, wasn't it?

Larry Miller (97:29)

Giuseppe?

Adam Carolla (97:30)

Jizzloogie. Get back in the boat.

Allison Rosen (97:33)

He changed it just to jizz when he came over, right?

Adam Carolla (97:36)

Oh, God. All right. Wow.

Cassius (97:39)

Yeah. I never worked with him again. That was the end.

Adam Carolla (97:42)

Yeah.

Cassius (97:43)

Yeah. And he had been on my list until then. I just was not risking that again. Plus, you know, he had a really weird habit. He was a habitual thigh slapper, which is. It's not sexy. Butt slap. Okay, Thigh slap. No, no, mine. What's to the point of it getting, like, red? Like, you know, but the butt has more meat.

Adam Carolla (97:58)

Yeah. The thing about the jizz in the nostril will get you off of whatever list I have. Dinner parties, sex. That does not matter. Christmas. Yeah. Hanukkah. It doesn't matter. You're off that list.

Cassius (98:11)

No more high fives at craft services.

Adam Carolla (98:13)

Yeah. If I'm throwing a Super bowl party and you Jizzed in my nose last year. Guess what?

Allison Rosen (98:19)

Unfriend.

Adam Carolla (98:19)

Unfriended ain't no evite for your ass. You keep you and your super powerful jizz and you go to another place and eat some of that velveeta and nacho chips over there, huh?

Cassius (98:30)

They always got us the good Doritos. At least three flavors if we were lucky on the good sets.

Adam Carolla (98:35)

Yeah. Mm, that's nice.

Allison Rosen (98:36)

Yeah, that makes it worth it.

Adam Carolla (98:38)

It's a class crowd over there. All right, so Ron Jeremy on the no thigh list. So proud of myself for that. And then eventually just a short list of dudes.

Bald Bryan (98:49)

No pilots.

Adam Carolla (98:50)

No pilots. Nice, nice. Yeah, classic. So good. Also rich man, poor man, itunes, everybody keep it going. Katie, this has been just a little slice to heaven. You can twitter Katie at Katie Morgan and her websites at Katie Morgan. You can find out all the dates, all the shows, everything you're doing on the website.

Cassius (99:15)

Yes, Kat Morgan.

Adam Carolla (99:16)

I'm sorry, the Katy Morgan dot com. So until next time, this Adam crawler for bald Bryan, Katie Morgan and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

Cassius (99:29)

God molested me.

Giovanni (99:36)

All right, that's Adam Carollo Show 742. Coming up next, we have Adam Corolla Show 746 featuring the great lake Larry Miller. Most likely gonna be some hypothetical road trip in there. Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. It's kind of amazing how Larry made a hypothetical road trip his signature bit. It was one of many bits that kind of existed at the start of the 2006 Adam Corolla Show. Back in the radio show days, Adam had asked kiss rodeo, hypothetical road trip. There were several other recurring bits they would try with different comedians who came. Larry Miller just took like a doctor water with a hypothetical road trip and it became something they would do on air until Larry retired from appearing in public and appearing on the show. Hope you guys Enjoy this flashback, 2012 with the great Larry Miller.

Adam Carolla (100:22)

Good day, bald Brian.

Cassius (100:23)

I am the most pussy whipped man in the world.

Adam Carolla (100:28)

Good day. Allison Rose. Hello. And Larry Miller.

Larry Miller (100:32)

I am the most.

Adam Carolla (100:33)

Well, hi. Good to see you. Okay, big news. Kevin Smith coming on the show tomorrow to duel it out with the ace man. I don't know what's in it for him, but I realize I think he likes this kind of stuff. And there's some dudes who like it. It's. I used to work with a guy named Daniel and Daniel liked uncomfortable confrontation. He enjoyed it. You know, there's most people shy away from it. Yes.

Larry Miller (100:59)

That is the greatest story I have ever heard.

Adam Carolla (101:02)

I think some People like it. Like, they kind of get off on, like, it's an endorphin rush or something. But I look forward to it, even though I'm not wired that way. I look forward to Kevin Smith coming in here and pleading his side of the story because I called him a douchebag and I called telepictures douchebags. And I felt like I got royally screwed on this deal. And he hasn't backed off an inch. He feels like he has no part in this and he is not culpable in any way, shape or form. And this is more my fault than it is his fault that I got screwed out of the deal. So we will hash out the entire thing tomorrow, and it should be interesting. Yeah, my buddy Daniel, way back in the day, we were doing the man show. We do research runs to, like, Crazy Girls. And he would then present the producers.

Larry Miller (101:51)

That took me a second, but I got it.

Adam Carolla (101:53)

He would present the producers of Crazy Girls with bills for, like seventeen hundred dollars and things like that. He'd go to our producers and just go, hey, we went to Crazy Girls last night. Here's the bill. It was. I don't know, with tip, it was like two grand. Anyway, I need to be reimbursed. And they'd be like, okay, Daniel. So we finally got the. We got the word that they would reimburse him $2,000 for us hanging out at a strip joint all night. But this would be the last time. And Daniel, I remember. I remember saying, let's go over there. We're gonna confront those guys. And I said, I don't wanna confront them. And he said, I want to. And I said, I don't think I'm gonna be able to keep a straight face when I. First off, I think I have drive stripper glitter on me now. And secondly, they're kind of right. So, no, I don't wanna go over there. But I remember thinking he was excited.

Allison Rosen (102:53)

Did he think they were right? I think. I think if you want confrontation, you have to, deep down, think that you're always right.

Adam Carolla (102:59)

I think Kevin Smith thinks he's always right. I think he's gonna find out differently tomorrow. But I don't know that he's ever going to feel any differently. I think the people who are listening will be aware of the truth.

Larry Miller (103:11)

Yeah.

Bald Bryan (103:11)

But I think Daniel's line. Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Larry Miller (103:13)

No, no, go ahead, pal.

Bald Bryan (103:14)

Daniel's line was fantastic to the producers. He pretty much told them what was gonna happen. The line uses, oh, you're gonna reimbursement and you'll continue to reimburse us.

Adam Carolla (103:23)

Oh, yeah, that was his line. Yeah, it was awesome.

Allison Rosen (103:26)

That is the opposite of me in every way, in every situation of my life. I just say I'm sorry before entering the room.

Adam Carolla (103:33)

They gave it, this is the last time we're gonna do this. And he was like, this is absolutely not gonna be the last time we're gonna do this. We're going back next weekend and we're gonna need more money.

Allison Rosen (103:42)

Did that work?

Adam Carolla (103:43)

I guess. I can't remember. Ultimately, the Kevin Smiths and the Daniels are further along in life than most people because. Because of this candy.

Allison Rosen (103:52)

Righteous. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (103:53)

Yes. Righteous indignation. So there's a part of me that respects it and in a way even feels envious. Like, I wish I had that gene. But anyway, he's coming on, and I basically said, look, we've talked enough about this. We can probably move on. And he said, no, I'm coming on. So he's coming on. So we will get into this tomorrow night.

Allison Rosen (104:15)

I think it's just gonna be. He's gonna give his version, you're gonna give your version. And, I mean, how do you think it's gonna go?

Adam Carolla (104:21)

I have no. I have no idea. I really don't. My version is pretty. Ben.

Allison Rosen (104:27)

You guys all make out?

Adam Carolla (104:27)

We could make out, although I don't normally. I don't like the bearded guys, just the mustache.

Allison Rosen (104:32)

You guys should have the whole confrontation, holding hands.

Adam Carolla (104:35)

We'll see.

Allison Rosen (104:36)

I mean, so you remember the love.

Adam Carolla (104:37)

It'll. My side is pretty irrefutable because I have emails and things like that and a certain bottom line to this whole thing, which we'll get into tomorrow night, but. And I'm the guy who's out $500,000, which would have been nice to have because I always think in terms of, you know, that's almost half a car to me. So, you know, that's how I look at it. That's like. That's like. That's like 7. 16 of an automobile to me, Larry.

Larry Miller (105:04)

Boy, you know, when you. I had something, I think, funny to say about the music you just put on, or that's like a romantic comedy of them holding hands. But as soon as you said that figure, everything went out the of. Of my head.

Adam Carolla (105:15)

Yeah. What?

Larry Miller (105:17)

What?

Adam Carolla (105:17)

Yes. What? Yes. Yes. So anyway, look forward to Kevin Smith coming in on the show, and I look forward to a. A spirited debate. And I think he can bring it. I know he can bring it. I know he likes to talk. I'm into It. So it's going to be good. And I. I don't know if we end up making love at the end or not, but it's going to be. It'll be cathartic at least.

Allison Rosen (105:39)

I feel like we should be putting money on this. Someone out there should be.

Bald Bryan (105:42)

I just want to put money on the over under because an Evening with Kevin Smith is four hours long. And there was a sequel. Adam can go along too.

Allison Rosen (105:49)

Thank God the Bachelor's on tonight, not tomorrow.

Adam Carolla (105:52)

All right, let's talk about happier things. Proflowers. Oh, as I've said. You know what I said about Valentine's Day? All you can do is fuck it up. Now it's like a field sobriety test. You just pass. The best that you can do is have the officer walk you back to your car. Car. And let's try to keep it under 55.

Allison Rosen (106:10)

This is. This is Adam. Is it always on a Tuesday or is it always the 14th?

Adam Carolla (106:14)

Well, we have these holidays.

Allison Rosen (106:16)

Yeah, we do, but Thanksgiving is always a Thursday.

Adam Carolla (106:18)

Yeah, Thanksgiving. And then there's Valentine's Day. What the hell? Am I supposed to keep track of these things? Well, if you don't want to get massacred this Valentine's Day, may I suggest proflowers?

Larry Miller (106:29)

Very smooth.

Adam Carolla (106:30)

Yes. Send it to her office. Oh, that is the greatest movie. It'll make everyone else at her office hate you, but it's still the greatest thing ever. Such a power move. Never been on the winning end of that office flower thing. One dozen assorted roses. That's almost 12 roses. Just $19.99. And a free glass vase. That's right.

Allison Rosen (106:53)

No plastic vase.

Adam Carolla (106:55)

A glass vase. That's a savings of 50%. That's almost half. You can upgrade to two dozen roses. That's almost 24 roses. Long stemmed roses for just 39.98. Plus the free glass vase and the chocolates and the teddy bear. I got this stuff all going at home, by the way, but it doesn't count because I get it for free.

Allison Rosen (107:19)

Yeah, they want to make sure that it hurts.

Adam Carolla (107:22)

Yes. If I wanted a random orbital sander and with a dust collection bag and my wife gave me a random orbital sander, I wouldn't be. Wait a minute. Where did you get that? Because do you know the mechanics? Because if they gave me a deal, then that means nothing to me. No, I'm a dude. I wanted that, now I got it. I don't care. See, I can't do the proflowers for my wife because I get them. I'm not Burning calories. It's not painful for me. You know what I mean?

Larry Miller (107:50)

But the eternal structure of man and woman is that I have bought them. I have bought all the stuff. I bought everything on Valentine's Day. You know what happens after that?

Adam Carolla (108:00)

Nothing.

Larry Miller (108:01)

So you still get nothing? You get no equity? Nothing built up?

Adam Carolla (108:04)

No. It's a field sobriety test. You can fail and go into a drunk tank, or you can just get back in your car and be where you were 20 minutes earlier.

Larry Miller (108:12)

Take the shot.

Adam Carolla (108:13)

All right. ProFlowers guarantees Valentine's Day delivery. By the way, call 800ProFlowers. 800ProFlowers. Mention Ace. Or go to ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in ace order. Now, this amazing offer ends on Friday the 3rd. That is at midnight, by the way. Ominous.

Allison Rosen (108:33)

And just to underline your point, on Valentine's Day, all the women in the office, when I worked in an office got flowers. All the women in relationships, and I was in a relationship, and I didn't get flowers. And I was so upset. Like, ridiculously upset. So don't make your woman upset.

Bald Bryan (108:49)

Was this a Nazi?

Adam Carolla (108:50)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (108:50)

No.

Adam Carolla (108:51)

I miss that Nazi guy. She dated a white supremacist for, like, two dates. Two dates. All right.

Allison Rosen (108:57)

He didn't have what it took to hang with me.

Larry Miller (109:00)

Did he have anything on the face? Like swastikas on the face?

Adam Carolla (109:03)

I like that.

Allison Rosen (109:05)

No, he had them. They weren't swastikas, but he had hate tattoos on his arms. But I didn't see them right away, and I didn't know what they. I was like, oh, a plus sign in a circle. What's that? I didn't know. So dumb. It's a. It's a hate symbol. I forget what it specifically represents, but apparently.

Adam Carolla (109:23)

What is a hate symbol?

Larry Miller (109:24)

Apparently, he hates addition.

Allison Rosen (109:27)

No, it wasn't a circle and a slash. It was a plus sign in a circle. It's like if you. If you look up, it's a plus sign in a circle.

Adam Carolla (109:35)

In a circle.

Allison Rosen (109:36)

If I forget what the specific thing you should Google is, but there's a whole bunch of. Of skinhead tattoos and symbol. Like 14 words is another one. 8. 8 is another one.

Adam Carolla (109:45)

A sign in a circle just means Phillips head screwdriver driver here.

Allison Rosen (109:50)

Yes, that.

Bald Bryan (109:50)

It's a target, dude.

Adam Carolla (109:51)

Oh, it's a target. Oh, I get it.

Allison Rosen (109:53)

Is it a target?

Adam Carolla (109:54)

Yeah, it looks like a target.

Allison Rosen (109:55)

Looks like Monopoly pieces.

Bald Bryan (109:56)

Looks like the two lightning bolts.

Adam Carolla (109:57)

All right, well, Nazi stuff. I. Something I want to tell Someone tweeted.

Larry Miller (110:02)

Is there some kind of psychological image? Forgive me, but when I saw that, it's like the rorjack test. I saw that and I thought, hockey goalie. So it doesn't mean that one of us is nuts.

Adam Carolla (110:12)

Anyway, go ahead. I got a boner. I don't tell you what I was thinking of. Somebody tweeted me the Girl Scout cookie power rankings the other day. And you know how whenever there's a power ranking of anything, the AP poll.

Bald Bryan (110:24)

Of the AP poll.

Adam Carolla (110:26)

This the players. Actually, I always get pissed off because whether it's Rolling Stone picking the wrong top hundred songs of all time or Rolling Stone picking a drive is the best movie of the year. Whatever. Whenever they do, it always pisses me off.

Allison Rosen (110:40)

And Rolling Stone has now ranked cookies.

Adam Carolla (110:42)

Uh, they would do this type of job if they ranked their cookies number one, Thin Mints. And that's fine. I understand. Thin Mints is fine because it's sort of the, you know, it's the skinny blonde of Girl Scout cookies. No one's really got a beef with it. It's not bold. It's not curvy. It's not interesting. It's the sort of Paris Hilton of. You know, there's no guy I know who won't fuck Paris Hilton. Because. Because she's skinny enough and blonde enough.

Allison Rosen (111:13)

That's enough beef with it.

Adam Carolla (111:15)

You do.

Allison Rosen (111:15)

I just think it's overrated. It's all that.

Adam Carolla (111:18)

Well, it's.

Allison Rosen (111:18)

I feel like there's cookies out there who might treat you better.

Adam Carolla (111:20)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (111:21)

And you could have a longer relationship with them.

Adam Carolla (111:23)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (111:23)

And they have substance to them.

Adam Carolla (111:25)

And they don't travel with their dogs. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (111:26)

Thank you.

Adam Carolla (111:27)

No, I'm saying if there's a chick who's tall enough, skinny enough and blonde enough, she'll always give a pass. They'll always.

Allison Rosen (111:35)

They'll stick it in their freezer and they'll eat it later.

Adam Carolla (111:37)

Always be. Someone will always be dunking it and some milk that the thin men is the skinny blonde of cookies. Like, it's. It's, you know, it's like.

Allison Rosen (111:48)

It's like, do.

Adam Carolla (111:49)

Yeah. It's like, you know how doofus guys think? Think Pam Anderson is hot. That's what it is. But, but, but on the other hand, who am I to sit here and say, Pam Anderson is not hot. She's. She is an attractive woman. Or Paris Hilton is not attractive. No, they are. That's not interesting. Attractive. You know what I'm saying?

Bald Bryan (112:06)

We need a term for those chicks. How about this? How about checklist hot because they have all the boxes. You check the list. The blonde, the big boobs, the skinny, whatever it is, blue eyes or whatever.

Adam Carolla (112:14)

I think we just start calling them thin mints.

Allison Rosen (112:17)

They'll love it because the word thins in there.

Adam Carolla (112:18)

That's right. Mint. They'll think we're talking about money. Like she's rich and she's thin. All right, so number two, moving on. And is that the. That's the Samoa. Samoa. Now that's nice, because actually that's a thin mint.

Larry Miller (112:35)

If you leave it out for a week.

Adam Carolla (112:38)

The thin that the Samoa has the caramel and it's got the chocolate drizzled on there. And it's controversial because it's got the coconut right.

Allison Rosen (112:46)

With. Some people don't like coconut.

Adam Carolla (112:48)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (112:48)

But evidently everyone likes Samoas.

Adam Carolla (112:50)

Yeah. All right, now here's the trouble. And. And look, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not going to fight you on the thin mints. I'm not going to fight you on the Samoa. That's your thing. For me, the best is the peanut butter, the one that has chocolate on the outside and the peanut butter on the inside. You can't. You can't.

Allison Rosen (113:09)

I'm trying to go back to my brownie brain when I sold cookies to see if I can remember the name of that.

Adam Carolla (113:14)

It'll come up in a second. But the point is, number three is the trefoils, the shortbread one. First off, lame name.

Allison Rosen (113:22)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (113:23)

I don't know if it's a trefoil or a trefoil. I don't know that there's anybody who can pronounce that correctly. Number one, trefois. Trefois. Number two, it's fucking shortbread. It's got the word short in it.

Allison Rosen (113:35)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (113:36)

And the word bread.

Allison Rosen (113:37)

Right.

Adam Carolla (113:38)

It's just.

Allison Rosen (113:38)

What is this prison for small people?

Adam Carolla (113:43)

It's a plain jane. Nothing, you know, just a little shortening.

Allison Rosen (113:47)

And some white flour poked in it like it's perforated.

Adam Carolla (113:50)

Yeah, yeah.

Allison Rosen (113:51)

So you're going to the mat over number three.

Adam Carolla (113:53)

That's number three. And then number four is possibly the greatest cookie ever, the tag along. Tag along, which not only has an awesome name, right? Tag along.

Allison Rosen (114:01)

Yeah. It's like we're going somewhere fun. Come with me.

Adam Carolla (114:04)

This cookie's your best buddy.

Allison Rosen (114:05)

Yeah. This cookie is inclusive.

Adam Carolla (114:08)

Oh, man.

Larry Miller (114:09)

You know, like all food ads, though, the picture of that cookie looks fantastic. It's sort of like anything from McDonald's in a subway. You see the picture, you say, I've got to have One.

Adam Carolla (114:18)

Now you put it in your mouth, you. You'd feel the same way. It's called a tag along.

Larry Miller (114:23)

Yeah, this year I'm gonna get one and I'll give it a try because they're always outside.

Adam Carolla (114:26)

Never tried the tag along?

Larry Miller (114:28)

I have not.

Adam Carolla (114:28)

What have you. What do you. What's your cookie?

Larry Miller (114:30)

I go with this right up the middle with the. With the thin mints. Thin mint and the shortbread.

Allison Rosen (114:36)

Oh, Larry.

Adam Carolla (114:40)

No, no. Oh, and Kevin Smith tomorrow. And now this.

Allison Rosen (114:46)

Do you like taste of disappointment? What's going on, Larry?

Larry Miller (114:50)

I'll tell you exactly what's going on. You walk out of Ralph's, they have a table full of mothers and little girls, and you can't walk past and say no. So what you do is you have to go up and say yes to.

Adam Carolla (115:01)

The fucking tag along.

Larry Miller (115:02)

Well, I don't even look. What I do is say, it's so sweet to see you and thank you very much and say something nice, and I'll take the first two things.

Allison Rosen (115:10)

They have their crap on.

Adam Carolla (115:12)

Larry, the trefoils are basically you saying, how can I get fat without bringing any pleasure to my face?

Larry Miller (115:19)

Well, that's the theme of my. My life, though, curiously enough. No, you know what? This time I'm going to look, and instead of saying, just give me the first two things you have and aren't you sweet? Instead I'll say, all right, give me the tagalongs.

Adam Carolla (115:32)

Yes, please, Please, Larry, the shortbread one. And you have children, for the love of Christ. They must be devastated when you bring those things home.

Larry Miller (115:41)

Well, I have developed ticks and stammers over the years because I think of.

Adam Carolla (115:45)

All right, what's number five? The idea that you put the shortbread cookie in front of the peanut butter cook. And maybe it's the allergies thing and maybe it's all the.

Larry Miller (115:55)

Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's why I haven't gotten them, because this thing always freaks me out because I don't like them.

Adam Carolla (116:01)

Yeah, you don't like the peanut butter sandwich cookie?

Larry Miller (116:03)

No, because I like.

Adam Carolla (116:04)

What the fuck?

Larry Miller (116:05)

I like peanut butter. I like peanut butter sandwiches. I love peanut butter. Maybe the greatest food in the history of the world. Yes, but I don't like the stuff on either the crackers unless you're really hungry.

Adam Carolla (116:15)

All right, so basically you're like saying, listen, I like veal, I like potatoes, I like carrots, I like paprika, I just don't like goulash. Is that what you're saying to me, Larry Miller?

Larry Miller (116:29)

I Don't think I'm saying that at all.

Adam Carolla (116:30)

That's what I heard.

Larry Miller (116:31)

No, maybe that's what I said, but didn't mean.

Adam Carolla (116:34)

You like peanut butter, do you not?

Larry Miller (116:36)

Yes, but I don't like the. Either the baked or the chemical treated peanut butter or something they put in this. And you know what? To me, it looks like it always. I always. I always think it's peanut butter that's been in a warehouse. One of those Indiana Jones warehouses right next to the Ark of the Covenant.

Allison Rosen (116:50)

But that's the thing about peanut butter. It's still good if it's in there.

Adam Carolla (116:53)

Better. It's better when it's gone.

Allison Rosen (116:55)

Shelf life of 8 million years.

Larry Miller (116:57)

This may have changed my life. I'll try everything new and different this time. The point is, I'll have to let you know.

Adam Carolla (117:03)

All right, what is the. What is the shortbread cookie doing above the goddamn peanut butter cookie? Pissing you off, Tagalongs.

Bald Bryan (117:11)

You know what? I'm going to join Team Larry.

Adam Carolla (117:14)

This is a shocking.

Bald Bryan (117:15)

Sorry. But you know what it is? I turned my back on the fake peanut butter years ago when only natural peanut butter is the best decision ever made.

Allison Rosen (117:21)

What, do you squish your own peanuts?

Bald Bryan (117:22)

No, I got. I got. The only ingredient I want is peanuts. I don't want Skippy. I don't want the pink pan. Yeah, so I'm with you, Larry.

Allison Rosen (117:29)

I just feel like he goes to the raw peanut butter bar or whatever and crushes his own nuts.

Bald Bryan (117:34)

Peanut butter is.

Adam Carolla (117:34)

Is.

Bald Bryan (117:35)

It freaks me out.

Adam Carolla (117:35)

I know, but this is the candy. Fake peanut butter. Like a Reese's Peanut Butter cup. Right?

Larry Miller (117:40)

That's what I hate, too.

Adam Carolla (117:41)

But.

Larry Miller (117:41)

But by the way, you're not with me and I'm not with you on this. I love Jif, Skippy and the goofy ones, but to me, the candy grave with your tongue.

Adam Carolla (117:50)

Miller.

Larry Miller (117:51)

No, it's enough of this whole side. I. I'm going to have to say with my. What else you do that's wrong?

Adam Carolla (117:55)

Wow, this is devastating. First, Kim with the novice. This is.

Allison Rosen (118:01)

And he thought 2012 was going to be his year.

Adam Carolla (118:04)

I really did. I really did. Can I. I've had some trouble on the road. Permit me to complain for just a second.

Bald Bryan (118:13)

Justice once.

Adam Carolla (118:16)

Can we invent a battery that is either dead or alive, and when it goes, it's a switch, but not a dimmer switch because I have gotten the last two out of the three hotel rooms I've had. The last hotel room I had, I had in Boston. I had enough power to turn on the tv, but not enough power left in the batteries to switch channels. So it was this weird, frustrating thing where I'd hit power. I know that one. And it would turn the TV on and then I'd go to do the change and it wouldn't change. Little did we know when we were inventing the TV remote, that 90% of the day I was gonna stand in front of the TV working different angles, thus getting an arm workout, nullifying the whole notion of a remote. If I'm down on a mechanic's creeper on my back and behind the set, put it up behind, up the TV's ass, trying to get a new angle on. You know, you're, hey, you're doing that. Hey, is this the eyes on the right? No, the eyes on the left must be behind the set. I'm going to hit it from 15 different angles here. And then yet enough power. So you do this one. You know that move where you, you land in your room. And, and here's what they need to do. You know, they're, you know, they check the towels, they give you the new soap. You know, you know, they. Here's what, here's what hotels need to do. Fuck the turndown service, focus on the remote. Yeah, I don't need the Guatemalan bitch. Hit me up at, you know, doing that thing at, you know, 7:30 at night, like Mike Zay. Who is that? Turn down service. I don't need that. I'm stepping into the shower. I'm stepping out of the shower. I'm laying on the bed, my underpants, I have to get up like that. I don't need, I do need a remote check service. I need you to run a diagnostic check of that thing. Make sure the batteries are good, make sure everything's functioning because I have the, I've done the one with the. There's, there's, there's three different versions. I get, I get the one the other week where it turns on, by the way. I call the guy. But then when you call the guy, it's gonna take him 45 minutes to get to the room. And you want to unpack and get in your underpants, but you can't and you can't watch a tv and you have to kind of stand there pretending like you're not gonna beat off. And an hour, whatever that look is, that pose is. And you don't want to sort of spread your shit out or anything. You just have to kind of wait for the guy. And then the guy shows up. And then with me it's always weird, like, hey, man, show. All right, great. You know where my room is and what color my underpants are. And then he informs me, yeah, the batteries are there. There's enough in the battery to turn the TV on, but not enough to. Or then there's the one that has the channel changer thing, but you have to really step on it. Like you have to do it three times to get it to go once and then it'll jump ahead three because you've hit it three times. But like the bad contact, there's gotta be some sort of governing body that says, look, I'll say it this way. Airplanes, that's how we do jet engines. Just go by the hours. That jet engine's got 2,000 hours on it. We tear it down, rebuild it, replace it. It's not like no one goes, oh no, it's working fine. Yeah, wait till you get 30,000ft in the air. And its impeller start shoots through the main cabin. Every year, six months, whatever. Boom. Out with the remote. New one. Fix it, right. Do something with it.

Allison Rosen (121:32)

The same way you're supposed to throw your ma. This probably affects you guys. You're supposed to throw your mascara away every six months of whether you used it right. Should be an expiration date on your remote.

Larry Miller (121:40)

Oh, that's just an old wives tale. Mascara. Nobody goes to bed.

Allison Rosen (121:43)

Thank you, Larry. That's what I say.

Adam Carolla (121:46)

All right, so somebody's got it again. I think we would all trade in the turndown service for a. A remote that worked every time with a fresh set of batteries. Right?

Larry Miller (121:57)

Exactly. I never get the turn down service anyway. We're usually in hotels for one to four days. It's usually within the one, two, two and a half day period. I don't even need maid service. I'm a big boy. I can hang the towel up. I don't do it to save the earth because the hotel is really, I hate that in the hotel, by the way of, you know, help the planet and just hang your towel up. What they're really saying is we can fire three more maids, right? If you, you just don't make us wash the towels every day. I'm a big boy, I know how to do this myself. So I don't need a maid. I don't need maid service and I don't need.

Adam Carolla (122:30)

What do you guys do tip wise? I had no idea that you were supposed to tip the maid before. I had a girlfriend who was into, big into. I remember one time we ordered like Chinese food when I had no money. Like it was. You know, there's fucking nothing worse. Like when you're super poor and you get a parking ticket and it's like, oh, God damn it. 38 bucks. God damn. So half day, work, work. You know, she went to pick up Chinese food and she tipped, you know, tipped the guy picking up takeout, you know, And I'm like, you're supposed to do with that tip a guy. You're going to their restaurant and taking the thing out in a bag. It's not like you're taking a dump in the toilet and hanging out back in the kitchen, wasting everyone's time here.

Allison Rosen (123:11)

Like you would if you were eating there.

Adam Carolla (123:12)

It's the greatest money making plan ever. You're not taking up space in their parking lot or in their booths or anything, and you're taking. Tipping them. But yeah, she'd say, yeah, you got a tip. And I never know. It's usually like, I'll leave 20 bucks if I'm there for two days and 10 bucks from there for one day and try to tidy up a little. But does what percentage of people tip? I don't think it can be very high.

Larry Miller (123:36)

I do.

Adam Carolla (123:37)

You do?

Larry Miller (123:37)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (123:38)

Yes, Allison. Tipper, the maid tipper.

Allison Rosen (123:42)

If I'm there for a while, I. And I see the maid, then I might tip them, but I don't actually leave something in the room unless they leave that little envelope, which makes me feel like I have to.

Adam Carolla (123:51)

Oh, they do.

Allison Rosen (123:52)

I've been in some hotels where there's a little envelope. Yeah. To leave gratuity for the maid.

Adam Carolla (123:56)

Interesting. Brian, you tip only tip for their.

Bald Bryan (123:59)

Longer than a weekend, like for honeymoon or whatever it is or some sort.

Adam Carolla (124:02)

Of like, don't you feel like there should be some sort of five bucks a day kind of thing or something? Like if you're there for a day, you leave five, ten bucks. And if you're there for three days, you leave 20 bucks.

Allison Rosen (124:11)

Where do you leave it, though? Because usually if you like, how. How do they know that it's for them to leave money out? They don't take it.

Adam Carolla (124:18)

Well, no, you check out and then you leave that 20, just sort of that 10 or whatever. Just kind of, you know, it's kind of. You don't wrap it, you know, you. You don't. You don't wrap it up and put it in the toilet tank. You gotta like put it. You gotta lay it out there.

Allison Rosen (124:32)

10 for you in the safe. Why didn't you get it?

Larry Miller (124:35)

I wrap it. I take a piece of.

Adam Carolla (124:37)

Not wrap it.

Larry Miller (124:37)

I take a piece of the pad paper, I fold it over the bill, maybe put it under a coffee cup. Just write down there for the thank you.

Adam Carolla (124:43)

Oh, you do?

Larry Miller (124:44)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (124:44)

You're such a fucking thoughtful guy. See, I'll leave the money, but I don't. My thing is they'll do the math.

Allison Rosen (124:50)

Because I know I feel horrible.

Adam Carolla (124:51)

I'm checking out, I've checked out. Like they must do the he's checked out math, right? There's no bags or clothes or the rooms. Has the. I left at 9am you came in at noon to make the room up for the next person and there's $20 sitting on the bureau. That's yours. Whether, Whether you know it or not, I'm. That's part of cleaning the room. Like you can literally, I guess you could ha. Hand it into somebody. But I mean, I've never. I'm sure they just take it, right. No one's ever called me and went, oh, Mr. Crowley left $20 behind the room. I think they understand that. But the note part, well, even better written in English because I feel like you might even be bilingual with that shit. Larry, you're that.

Larry Miller (125:32)

You know what, though? I made. It's not a mistake. I. The other day when we took the kids somewhere in December and I. And I left, I saw a maid on the hallway and I just said, this is for us in 3:40, we're going to be out for an hour or so. If you don't mind, get in, because that's right, we had the kids and we could take the dog to the room too. And so I had everybody in there, took everybody out and I said, so this is. If you, if you don't mind, if you can get in in the next hour or two. This is when we're all on. She's very nice and smiled and nodded. But I realized when I got back nothing had been done. She didn't understand me. She was just being nice and I gave her some money.

Adam Carolla (126:06)

Right.

Larry Miller (126:06)

But she didn't know what I was saying.

Adam Carolla (126:09)

Yeah.

Larry Miller (126:09)

So now the room's not made up and she's. She's gone home and then now there's someone else in the hall. But, you know, so that was a tiny bit annoying, but you have to.

Adam Carolla (126:19)

Defecate on end table in that case. All right. That's the only way to pay. The only language. If you think it's a universal language.

Allison Rosen (126:25)

That's what I do after.

Adam Carolla (126:27)

That's right.

Allison Rosen (126:27)

And they know to take it.

Larry Miller (126:28)

If you just hadn't said in that Case.

Adam Carolla (126:31)

Allison, you got your news ready, by the way, Rich Man, Poor man, available now. Now you can check out our site for info on it. Available on the ibooks app for iPad and all that kind of stuff. You can get it on Amazon, get on itunes. It's my new picture book I did with Mike and Michael Nair, and a fun little Diddy, a fun little ditty. Rich Man, Poor man, available as we speak. All right, Allison Rosen, you got some news?

Allison Rosen (126:58)

I sure do.

Adam Carolla (126:59)

With Allison Rosen, you read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

Allison Rosen (127:17)

SAG Awards were Sunday night, and the Help won a number of awards, and people feel that this could be an indication of how the Oscars are going to go. So the Help won Outstanding Performance by Cast in Emotion, Performance Picture.

Adam Carolla (127:31)

It's going to be one of those things where everyone who wins anything is going to go, this isn't for me, but this is for every woman who stood before me. And we're getting a Halle Berry esque.

Allison Rosen (127:45)

Blow hard Vagina Monologues esque kind of thing.

Adam Carolla (127:48)

Yes. It's going to be brutal.

Allison Rosen (127:50)

Would you just accept the award on behalf of yourself?

Adam Carolla (127:53)

I'll do it. Yeah. You mean just for me? Yeah, I'll just get up there.

Allison Rosen (127:57)

If you ever get one, or, I mean, just this time, why don't you do it?

Adam Carolla (128:01)

Yeah, I'll just get up there and I'll just be.

Allison Rosen (128:03)

For best outstanding performance by a podcast host in the Help, Adam Carolla.

Adam Carolla (128:11)

Thank you. Thank you. One of the bitches with the long nails couldn't be here to accept it, so I'm here. And I just want to say, first off, I want to thank my agent James, Baby Doll Dixon, and Jesus Christ and not my parents. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Allison Rosen (128:29)

A moving speech by Adam Carolla.

Larry Miller (128:31)

I wonder if the music comes up.

Adam Carolla (128:33)

I want to thank all the rich white guys over 6 foot who stood here before me, who made this possible, paved the way for me. It would not be possible. I stand on their shoulders.

Bald Bryan (128:43)

Cut away to Sean Connery, nodding yes.

Adam Carolla (128:45)

Wiping a tear away.

Larry Miller (128:46)

By the way, I don't know what the crime was that was committed, but that lineup in the police police station is the weirdest group I've ever seen.

Adam Carolla (128:54)

A group.

Larry Miller (128:55)

Anyone here?

Adam Carolla (128:56)

Number four, step forward in the Help. That's right. Oh, did anyone see the Help? No. Is it good? I'M not in the mood to be swept away where you. Swept away.

Bald Bryan (129:05)

You're not going to be swept away. He's slightly above average, about a B minus.

Adam Carolla (129:09)

Really?

Bald Bryan (129:10)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (129:10)

But it's one of those movies that if you have to like basically so. But it also praise on you will be the grand wizard from the clan if you say anything bad about that movie. Or you'll just be male chauvinist pig. Like, you have your choice. You want to be racist or sexist.

Bald Bryan (129:27)

This I argued the movie is actually kind of racist in a way.

Allison Rosen (129:30)

Yeah, I remember hearing that.

Bald Bryan (129:31)

I say it's kind of racist because it tells the story of the black housekeepers of the. Whatever. It was 1950s, but it frames the whole story around. The whole story is framed by a white woman story. It's like if Adam is gonna. If we're gonna tell the plight of. Of Ozzie, we can only tell a story by telling Adam's story about Ozzie. You know what I mean? It's like kind of subtly racist in a way that we can't just tell the story of the Help. We have to tell the story of Emma Stone, who is the friend to all of the black women. She's like the catalyst to tell the story. It's subtly racist, I think.

Adam Carolla (130:05)

Okay, well, we'll hope it doesn't win just because there'll be a lot of.

Allison Rosen (130:08)

Speeches, rebuke from Bob Bryan. Okay, so John. John Duhardine from the Artist. I feel like I'm butchering his name. Got outstanding performance by a male actor in a leading role. Viola Davis of the Help.

Adam Carolla (130:24)

He's a French guy. Yeah, yeah. Cause he'll do that acceptance speech where he'll go, pardon me, my English is not good. And then at some point someone needs to stand up and go, good. Then French, you keep it fucking short. But then he'll go on for 20 minutes.

Allison Rosen (130:41)

Yeah, make like a mime.

Adam Carolla (130:42)

Yes. Your English not so good. Good. Keep it. Keep it short. Get the fuck off there.

Allison Rosen (130:47)

Right.

Adam Carolla (130:47)

French guy's pretty long winded. But they always start off with the apology. I don't have the good English.

Bald Bryan (130:53)

And there's always gonna be raucous over laughter. And it's like half joke, right? He'll make some half joke that. That's not quite right. People will explode with laughter.

Adam Carolla (131:01)

Right. He'll get the same coddling that Yakov Smirnoff got in the 80s. Fair to Midland comedian, made millions of dollars in the 80s.

Larry Miller (131:09)

I think he's a terrific comic. And.

Adam Carolla (131:11)

No, no, you don't no. Well, you cookies too, Larry. So everything you say is now null and void.

Larry Miller (131:19)

Wait a minute. Maybe you're right.

Adam Carolla (131:20)

That's right. Maybe there's a connection.

Allison Rosen (131:23)

Is he like the shortbread cookie of comics of the 80s? Yes, of 80s comics.

Bald Bryan (131:27)

What a cookie.

Adam Carolla (131:28)

In America.

Allison Rosen (131:31)

Only the furious actor.

Adam Carolla (131:33)

You can make fun of Reagan. It is same in Russia. We can make fun of Reagan.

Larry Miller (131:43)

You know what, though? Always amazing to me that anyone can come actress, but especially in comedy. I can't imagine doing comedy in a different language. I can't imagine coming to the country like a half hour later you're on at the Comedy Store.

Adam Carolla (131:55)

Oh, no, no, that. It, it's, it's. It's an amazing achievement that I wish you would just never do again.

Bald Bryan (132:00)

Wait a minute. I assumed Yakov Smirnoff was a character. Is he really Russian?

Larry Miller (132:04)

Oh, you're kidding.

Bald Bryan (132:05)

I. I was. I was three years old. Larry.

Larry Miller (132:07)

It's an astute.

Adam Carolla (132:09)

It seems like a caricature, but it.

Bald Bryan (132:11)

Hasn'T exactly stood the test of time. Like, Yakov knows quoting.

Adam Carolla (132:14)

He needs a cold war.

Larry Miller (132:15)

You know what, by the way, though, my kids. No kidding, are still using the structure. They come home from school, it lives through the culture. They're still saying. They turn things around. Saying, in effect, you know, school doesn't teach you. You teach school. And they know it's Yakov. And they.

Adam Carolla (132:32)

Your kids. First off, get child protective services on the phone because between the shortbread and the being bred on the shortbread cookies, steady diet of trefoils and Yakov Smirnoff, that's abuse. I'd rather you should just put cigarettes out of him and sodomize them. You really should. It'd be a happier childhood.

Larry Miller (132:48)

First of all, that was one night.

Adam Carolla (132:49)

All right? We were.

Larry Miller (132:51)

We were all on edge.

Adam Carolla (132:52)

That's right.

Larry Miller (132:52)

And you know what? So let. Just stop.

Bald Bryan (132:55)

Wait, was he Russian?

Larry Miller (132:57)

Yes, absolutely.

Bald Bryan (132:59)

I have no idea.

Allison Rosen (132:59)

Okay, hypothetical road trip. Yakov or Bronson Pinchot.

Adam Carolla (133:03)

His name was Matt Jackson and he was from Gainesville. I thought like, like that's what his act seemed like.

Allison Rosen (133:10)

He was inspired by Yahoo, Sirius, like.

Bald Bryan (133:13)

Larry the Cable Guy.

Larry Miller (133:14)

A, you're all wrong. B, he's a friend. C, that's.

Adam Carolla (133:17)

That. Is he really a friend now? You just come on.

Allison Rosen (133:20)

A friend of comedians, like he's your brother.

Adam Carolla (133:22)

You're just saying that so you can get on the road.

Bald Bryan (133:26)

He's a comrade.

Adam Carolla (133:26)

I don't like to brag, but yeah.

Larry Miller (133:29)

We haven't seen each other in a long time.

Adam Carolla (133:30)

You know what?

Larry Miller (133:31)

We're always friends anyway.

Adam Carolla (133:32)

All right, he's from Odessa, Ukraine. Yes, The Soviet Union. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (133:37)

Christopher Plummer won outstand by a male actor in a supporting role for beginners. Octavia Spencer.

Adam Carolla (133:44)

He's got to get help. He's gay. He's got to get that right.

Allison Rosen (133:47)

Paul Giametti for too big to fail.

Adam Carolla (133:50)

Octavia. Isn't that one of those yogurts that helps with your digestion?

Bald Bryan (133:55)

Jim Lee Curtis is pimping.

Adam Carolla (133:56)

Yeah, she's pimping that out.

Allison Rosen (133:57)

Yep. Octavia and Activia, they're a fun.

Larry Miller (133:59)

Yeah, it has the extra calcium in it.

Adam Carolla (134:01)

Oh, boy. Is that it?

Allison Rosen (134:04)

Is it, Is it probiotic?

Adam Carolla (134:06)

I don't know. I don't know what, I don't know.

Allison Rosen (134:08)

If that makes you crap.

Adam Carolla (134:09)

I don't know what half the products, I don't know what half the products do, but I think, I think they basically have to do with. You're either shitting too much or not enough or too often or your stool's too hard or it's too slippery. Every product.

Allison Rosen (134:25)

Slippery pool, slippery stool.

Adam Carolla (134:26)

I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess that's what's going on. I don't know what's happening. Or it's your period.

Allison Rosen (134:33)

I don't go for friend. Yes.

Adam Carolla (134:35)

I've. See, I don't have heartburn. I don't have any kind of bowel related issues and I don't have, I, I spot once in a while, but I don't have a full blown period. And so three quarters of the commercials. Well, I mean, I will take it to, to. Well, first off, I take it for my skin.

Allison Rosen (134:54)

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I take it for cramps.

Adam Carolla (134:56)

Yeah. All right. So I. Half the commercials, I see almost every commercial. Commercial, if you think about it like either has to do with some medication because you can't achieve an erection or because you're pissing in your pants or because you have a period or because you have something going on in your belly where you're like too much, you're not shitting enough or whatever it is. So I, I really don't know what's code for. All I know is they don't talk about, they're talking about there's a woman.

Allison Rosen (135:26)

Looking out a window patiently.

Adam Carolla (135:29)

Right.

Allison Rosen (135:29)

She's constipated.

Adam Carolla (135:30)

That's what.

Allison Rosen (135:31)

Guy in a jacuzzi with hot models, he has diarrhea.

Adam Carolla (135:33)

Right, Right. And, and, and what is the. And then what is that? What is that yogurt drink?

Allison Rosen (135:41)

Kefir.

Adam Carolla (135:42)

No, there's kefir. Kefir, yeah. That is a yogurt drink. But then there's something called the yog. Yeah. There's your cult.

Allison Rosen (135:52)

Your cult.

Adam Carolla (135:53)

Like, yuck.

Allison Rosen (135:54)

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's that little bottle.

Adam Carolla (135:56)

Drink that. And I don't know what that's supposed to do with what's cultured anyone here? What's that do for you?

Allison Rosen (136:02)

It's got active cultures in it. I feel like that.

Adam Carolla (136:04)

I like lazy cultures like Mexico.

Allison Rosen (136:07)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (136:08)

You know what I mean? Someone wants to kick back and crack.

Allison Rosen (136:10)

A beer, comes over here and what does it do?

Adam Carolla (136:13)

I don't want to eat a bunch of Japanese people out there running around. I want someone's gonna lay back, crack a cold one and, you know, maybe roll. Roll up our pants and go wait in the sea a little bit. Go out in that water.

Larry Miller (136:23)

Yes, but what you don't understand is here, the yogurt doesn't culture you. You culture the yogurt.

Adam Carolla (136:29)

That's right.

Allison Rosen (136:31)

Newt Gingrich is being by the company that owns the rights to the 1982 song Eye of the Tiger.

Adam Carolla (136:39)

Newt is.

Allison Rosen (136:39)

Newt is. They claim Newt has no right to use the song as part of his campaign. Rude Music Incorporated, owned by a member of the band Survivor, filed the suit today and found federal court claiming Newt has used the song made famous in Rocky 3 to push his political agenda. According to the lawsuit, Newt has been using the song at various political events since 2009. And then we have a video here of.

Adam Carolla (137:02)

Don't. Does this happen almost every year? No one catches on to, hey, we got to clear this song before we play it all the time.

Allison Rosen (137:10)

It seems to me they don't care.

Adam Carolla (137:12)

And they just go, it. We'll play it. And then the people that sue them just sue them to get a little more publicity.

Allison Rosen (137:18)

I think they sued them to get them to stop using the song.

Larry Miller (137:21)

So it's not public domain. They have to pay for it or.

Adam Carolla (137:24)

I. I have no idea.

Allison Rosen (137:26)

Well, certain songs are in the public domain, but this one isn't. I mean, these songs, usually you gotta.

Larry Miller (137:30)

Go back to Swanee river or something.

Allison Rosen (137:31)

For a public domain. That would be a good one. So. So RMI is also suing the American Conservative Union, claiming it has republished various clips featuring Newt and the Eye of the Tiger song without permission.

Adam Carolla (137:43)

Do we have my Mike Lynch? What do we have. What was I always saying? Was it Eye the Tiger? Was that the Survivor song? Was that in vehicle? Yeah. Let's find those two guitar solos if we can. I will. You will hear. You will hear that the guy from Was it IDES of March. I always screw that band up. Yeah. Ides of March who did Vehicle. I was just. This is my. Part of my weird hyper vigilance. But one day I was just driving along listening, listening to Survivor, and I said that that guitar solo sounds exactly the same as the Ides of March's vehicle from 10 years earlier or whenever it was. And then the guy said. The guy went on to form Survivor. So the guy. You'll hear the exact same guitar work in both. The. Both. Both the hits. It's compelling. Almost as good as our yogurt talk. Not quite as good as Hot Yogurt Talk. Hot Yogurt Talk Talk, everybody. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (138:41)

Well, we do have a video of Newt entering CPAC 2011 with this song pulsing in the background. And it's an amusing video.

Adam Carolla (138:52)

Let's hear it.

Allison Rosen (138:53)

Because nothing happens.

Larry Miller (138:54)

Please give a warm welcome to my friend and the 58th speaker of the House of Representatives, Newt and Callista Gingrich Messi.

Allison Rosen (139:02)

In high school, this is when the cheerleaders entered the gymnasium.

Adam Carolla (139:06)

And also, no physiques screams workout montage less than nudes. Right?

Allison Rosen (139:17)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (139:17)

It's sort of ironic, right?

Allison Rosen (139:19)

It really is. Yeah. I mean, no, let's describe what's going on.

Adam Carolla (139:22)

People are slowly walking, they're meandering. Yes.

Allison Rosen (139:27)

In a crowd of white people.

Bald Bryan (139:29)

If he dies, he dies.

Adam Carolla (139:32)

That's right. Drago kind of reminds me of my. When I was brought out on stage at Mansfield University. I mean, it's the same kind of some kind of power and glory. He's back. And Newt's back on the streets. That's right. You see him, you see all those, you know, the guys by the trash cans that are on fire. See, just Pre dawn run. You see Newt doing it. You see. You see Newt doing the one armed push ups, chopping wood.

Larry Miller (140:05)

I can see him drinking the raw eggs.

Adam Carolla (140:07)

Drop. Drinking the raw eggs. Guns glistening in the sunshine. Just. Just chopping that wood.

Bald Bryan (140:14)

In the kgb.

Adam Carolla (140:15)

Doing that thing where he's taking a giant truck tire off an earth mover and rolling it over and rolling it again. You know, chasing the chicken, running in slow motion with Apollo Creed and Santa Monica.

Bald Bryan (140:30)

Awkward man hugging the surf.

Adam Carolla (140:32)

Yeah. Very homoerotic. Super homoerotic. I watched that movie last night. What? I watched Rocky 3 last night. Yeah.

Bald Bryan (140:40)

Does it hold up?

Adam Carolla (140:41)

Well, Thunder lips, you know, it's.

Larry Miller (140:44)

Hey, woman, you know, Is that the Mr. T1?

Adam Carolla (140:46)

Yeah. Yes. You know, it's very, very flawed about. He's just still walking the stage. You know what's super flawed about Rocky 3 is, he.

Bald Bryan (141:01)

Only got an hour, buddy.

Adam Carolla (141:02)

All right, I can't, I can't think.

Larry Miller (141:03)

I just have to say something. While you're thinking of this, if, if he just walked across the stage now and walked right back out again, right? I would, I would follow him anyway. If he was cool enough, enough to do that, have a 10 minute entrance and then just walk across and leave without speaking.

Adam Carolla (141:20)

But you don't think about a guy with a triple chin getting up on stage to this song. The thing that's wildly flawed about Rocky 3 is he goes up against Clubber Lang and Mr. T. He's a wrecking machine, he can't be stopped. He's £230 and Rocky's £201 and that. Then he hooks up with Apollo Creed and they take him back to the old neighborhood with the brothers and they teach him, you're flat footed and you're heavy footed. Get up on your feet, up on your toes, bounce around. And he's like, I can't do it. I have no rhythm. I'm a slugger. I'm a brawler. You can't brawl with Mr. T. Mr. T's a slugger. He'll take your head off. You're gonna flip the script on him. You're gonna be up on your toes, you're gonna be bouncing, you're gonna be firing that jab. And you're not gonna be doing the kind of fighting that you did to win. You fought those slug out kind of blood and guts fights. That's his fight. Now you're gonna be the white guy who's up on his toes and doing that. So he comes in. So he trains with Apollo. All sudden he gets fast, he gets up on his feet, he can skip his rope now. He's light on his feet, he's on the balls of his feet. He weighs in at 191 is his official weight. It's like, oh, and Clubber Lang goes up to 237. So it's like, oh, man, there's a four, 40 pound weight, 50 pound weight difference here. And for the first two rounds, he's up on his toes, he's firing the jab and he's doing the whole thing. And they're going like, oh, Rocky. And then at a certain point, he just starts slugging it out with him. But Clubber Line can't hurt him anymore. If you see all the Rocky movies, at a certain point Rocky decides that the guy's punches won't hurt him anymore. And he's like, come on. And the guy like punches it. Come on, punji dip.

Larry Miller (143:06)

Answer.

Adam Carolla (143:06)

Come on. It's like, that's not how boxing works. You just decide that one of the Klitschko brothers, right crosses is no longer gonna affect you or impair you in any way, shape or form. But at some point in a Rocky movie, when the music swells, somewhere around the fifth round, he just decides that the Klitschko guy is not gonna hurt him. And then he just gets hit repeatedly, but instead of falling down, it angers him.

Allison Rosen (143:30)

He's in, in the zone.

Adam Carolla (143:31)

You don't get it when, when a guy who's over 230 pounds hits you in the head with 10 ounce gloves, you do go into a zone. It's. It's not of this earth. You fucking orbit this thing. And there's a cuckoo clock going off over here. That is the zone you enter. And so you'll see at a certain point, he just gets pissed off. And then he proceeds to go pummel Clubber, laying at his own game. But this is not the story. It's basically, it's like this, it's like you go, okay, this is a basketball story. We got a bunch of slow, short white guys that are under six foot and we're playing a bunch of Michael Jordan and Scotty Pippins and they kick the shit out of us. This time we work on our speed and we work on the give and go and we move the ball around and then somewhere around the second quarter they go, oh, fuck it. We're gonna try to dunk on the tall guys, but somehow it worked. Works out for them. The movie's wildly flawed that way. You know, he, if you see every Rocky movie at a certain point, he just decides that the guy's paralyzing blows no longer affect him.

Bald Bryan (144:36)

It's a good insight because everyone makes fun of Rocky for good reason. For being the ridiculous one where it all started to get absurd. But Rocky III is where it started to go off the rails. Like things got pretty crazy. Stallone took control of the series at.

Adam Carolla (144:49)

Least an hour and a half. So setting up this, this fight plan that he never executed. He just decided to get pissed off and beat Clubber at his own game. Yeah, maybe we can take a look at that. I'd like to see that.

Allison Rosen (145:02)

I miss when people get hit in the head and little birds would fly in a circle around them. Yes, cartoons.

Adam Carolla (145:07)

I do too. Yeah, like the tweet bird.

Allison Rosen (145:09)

Yeah, exactly.

Larry Miller (145:11)

And that you have a smile on your face. I had a chance to have A part in something once in a movie where I got a chance to do that because the director had the, the same sense of it where you get to do the smile on the face. You've been knocked out but you're smiling.

Adam Carolla (145:22)

Right? Yeah, the old school.

Larry Miller (145:24)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (145:25)

Somebody, by the way, somebody wants me to talk some sense into their kid. I like that. I like, I'd like to motivate, I'd like to motivate this kid. Leilani? Yes. You're calling from Sacramento.

Kane (145:37)

Hello?

Adam Carolla (145:38)

Hello?

Kane (145:39)

Hi, I'm here.

Adam Carolla (145:39)

You calling from Sacramento, sir?

Allison Rosen (145:42)

AM.

Adam Carolla (145:42)

You have a lazy 14 year old?

Kane (145:44)

Yes, I do.

Adam Carolla (145:46)

I have a lazy 10 year old. I combined my two lazy 5 year olds and made one lazy boy or girl? Yeah, you know what?

Cassius (145:53)

Hermaphrodite?

Adam Carolla (145:54)

Yeah. My son yelling at me I'm a liar yesterday. Talking shit about me. Disgusting. Wiping kisses off. What's going on? You have a, you have a 14 year old son?

Kane (146:07)

I sure do. He is in 9th grade but for some reason he goes to school in Davis. They have ninth grade at the junior high school. I think it's very unmotivating for kids. But he, yeah, he just, he doesn't ever seem to want to go out and actually like work to make money. I call him a schemer. He would rather find out ways how to derive money from other ways other than him sweating.

Adam Carolla (146:33)

Got a plan? Yeah, is he there?

Kane (146:36)

Yeah, he's here.

Adam Carolla (146:37)

Can I talk to him?

Kane (146:38)

Yeah, yeah, here he is.

Adam Carolla (146:39)

Okay, what's his name? I'll ask. Hello?

Kane (146:44)

Kane.

Adam Carolla (146:46)

Shane.

Kane (146:47)

No, Cain.

Adam Carolla (146:48)

C A I N. Cain. All right. Cain, you there buddy? Cain?

Kane (146:55)

Yeah, I'm here.

Adam Carolla (146:56)

Yeah. What's going on? Hey listen, your mom thinks I'm going to give you a motivational speech. I really just want you to wait till she falls asleep, take all the money out of her wallet and send it over to me. All right. But since she's standing there now, I need you to nod your head couple times. Now toss it. Now tossing a Will do.

Kane (147:16)

Will do.

Adam Carolla (147:17)

Uh huh. But this time do it like you, like you mean it. Will do.

Kane (147:21)

Okay. Okay, I gotcha.

Adam Carolla (147:22)

Will do. Will do. Now you're freestyling and mama's in the room.

Kane (147:29)

Yeah, she can't.

Adam Carolla (147:30)

She's not on the other line though, is she?

Kane (147:33)

No.

Adam Carolla (147:33)

Yeah, let's, let's, let's pretend like we're really having a moment here. Just say. I know, but sometimes it's just so frustrating.

Kane (147:42)

I know, sometimes it's really hard on me though.

Adam Carolla (147:45)

I did say frustrating. But anyway, listen, have fun with It. Make it your own. That's fine. We don't need to load up a teleprompter. We just need to carry on the charade for about another three minutes, and then we'll be fine. Does your mom carry a lot of cash? No, not really. Well, maybe just another 40 seconds or so. I want you to.

Allison Rosen (148:07)

Maybe he should yell at you. Hey, you're not my dad.

Adam Carolla (148:10)

Yeah, for some drama. Yeah. Say biological dad. It'll make things seem more. Even more confused with your mom. All right, go ahead.

Kane (148:16)

You know what? You're not my biological dad.

Adam Carolla (148:18)

I like that. I like that. Your mom. Can you see your mom right now? She got a face on. Yeah. Is she confused?

Kane (148:28)

Slightly.

Adam Carolla (148:28)

Let's really. That's really. That's really confusing. Go. Listen, I don't go camping with anyone. Be serious about it. Ready? Go ahead.

Kane (148:43)

All right, you know what? I don't go camping with anybody.

Adam Carolla (148:47)

Now pretend like I'm pleading. Listen, day trip or not, I don't get in a car with strangers. Day trip or not, I don't get in a car with strangers.

Kane (148:59)

Day trip or not, I don't part with strangers.

Adam Carolla (149:01)

Okay, well, listen, if you're just gonna parrot these words back as empty as a trefoil. Come on, buddy. I need something out of you. Maybe something like I don't have much to say.

Allison Rosen (149:13)

It's like. It's not that I don't trust you, I just. Well, I guess I don't trust you.

Adam Carolla (149:18)

Yeah. Let's do this one. Let's have some real fun with your mom. Okay. How am I. How am I going to support myself, my girlfriend and my unborn. My unborn son or daughter on minimum wage? Go ahead. How am I going to support myself, my girlfriend and my unborn daughter on minimum wage? And son and. Or son.

Allison Rosen (149:48)

Twins.

Adam Carolla (149:48)

On twins. On twins. On minimum wage. On twins.

Kane (149:52)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (149:52)

On minimum wage. On minimum wage. Okay, all right, listen. This is just not working out. Kane, what do you. What do you like to do other than act poorly on podcasts? I mean. Party, party, party. Hang with girls.

Kane (150:15)

Pretty much.

Adam Carolla (150:15)

Much. Where's your dad? Hey, everybody, let's pull up a knee high grape soda and a Pez over here from a man. Kane. Sorry, he's underage. Larry. Kane, what do you. When you say, like, the party, what that. Does that mean?

Kane (150:43)

Anything that has to do with it.

Adam Carolla (150:45)

Where's your biological dad? Next town over. No, at least he's only town away. Now, listen, couple things there, Kane. First off, this happens all the time. Daddy splits, Mommy hangs around to Raise the kid or kids. Kids have all kinds of feelings wrapped up in the divorce and dad, Daddy splitting and take them out on the parent that's actually hanging around doing the raising. Wildly unfair to the parent who's trying to wear the daddy hat and the mommy hat when Daddy's over there. And Davis, you know, having fun with his secretary. So don't blame mommy for the feelings you have toward daddy. Number one, your mom's trying. You understand? Yeah. You do understand that, right?

Kane (151:34)

I do.

Adam Carolla (151:35)

All right. And secondly, I'm not gonna tell you to study hard, and I'm not gonna tell you what. What subjects to focus on. And I'm not going to tell you to pick a path. I'm going to tell you there's guys I know who work hard, and then there's guys I know who are nowhere. And I'm sure you'd like a life that's successful. Yes, Kane.

Kane (151:58)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (151:59)

And you're looking for a way to be successful without working too hard or working for free or cutting some corners. It's never going to work. The joke's on you. Learning how to work without working or learning how to get paid without working is a fool's errand. It never works. It never works big picture, it works small time. You can get a couple of quick scores in and you can fool some people for a little bit, but eventually everyone catches on. And I'm not telling you, you have to sit home and crack the books every night and study like, you know, a Japanese exchange student on trucker speed. I'm just saying you're going to have to work in this life. All the successful, that's the one thing all the successful people have. The level of education that varies, the country of origin that varies, the height, the shape, the skin color that varies. Different shades of white that all varies. But the one thing that does not vary from all of these dudes, I mean, when you take a look at everyone's success story, is the part where you work, you. You understand. So you better learn how to work. And for me, for my son, I don't really care if he's a, you know, he has. He's very good at playing the violin or he's very good at algebra. I want a son who knows how to work and isn't scared of it. And once I can die a happy man knowing that my son isn't scared of work and knows how to work, because you take that and you can apply it to. To anything. Playing the violin is great, but it doesn't apply to much more than playing the violin. Yes, a little discipline and rehearsing and all practice and all that is a good thing to have. But the work ethic, not being scared of it. Not being scared to get up in the morning, roll up your sleeves and get busy. That is what you need to be successful. At least in this country. Maybe not Cuba, but in this country. So, Cain, that's what your mom would like you to possess. Do you think you could step it up a little and say that department I have that. I don't know why she said I was lazy. Well, she's not manufacturing. And listen, you sound like your mouth barely wants to move. You're that lazy. So I'm gonna take your mom's word for the lazy part. What do you do? Do you have a job? Do you have a part time job?

Kane (154:17)

I make food for the homeless.

Adam Carolla (154:20)

Aha.

Kane (154:21)

Every weekend.

Adam Carolla (154:22)

Mm.

Allison Rosen (154:23)

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Adam Carolla (154:24)

Mm.

Larry Miller (154:25)

You know what? I just want. This is Larry. I just wanna throw in quickly every time someone says that. I. I don't know you, but someone introduced a younger brother to me and said, oh, he just joined the Peace Corps too. This is a friend of mine. I was in. I was another actress. And I said to the kid, you know what? I'll bet you everyone tells you that's the greatest thing in the world, but I'm not. Because you know what? I think it's just a waste of time and a waste of life. So don't expect me to tell you back what a good soul you are because you're going to go to Ecuador. You know what? Why don't you stay here and be what you ought to be with a writer or someone just like your super sister. Be and get involved in something. Get a job, get yourself an apartment, make your coffee, put on your sneakers and go to work.

Adam Carolla (155:04)

I agree with Larry. Don't help anyone, ever. Especially poor people.

Allison Rosen (155:08)

Yeah, quit being so selfish.

Larry Miller (155:10)

You know what? It was worth it just to see the look on his face. Because everyone you know, everyone he meets, says to him, wow, that's fantastic. Yes, but I said the reason they say that to you is because they'd never do it themselves because they're going out to make a living. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Adam Carolla (155:26)

Hey, Kane. Yeah? How you doing in school?

Kane (155:32)

Better than last year, but unfortunately I.

Adam Carolla (155:37)

Have to do that. It's community service. Oh, really? Got busted. Isn't completely voluntary busted for the weed?

Kane (155:44)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (155:45)

Yeah, there's a shocker. All right, listen, Kane. Yeah, I hung out with a bunch of guys like you, and they're now in their later 40s, and one of them's in rehab, and I'm paying for his rehab right now, and the other one is doing drywall work in the back of the shop here, building the new podcast studio. Would you like to be working for me in your 40s, hanging drywall or having me pay for your rehab? I'll answer in advance. No. Stop with the weed. I can hear it in your laugh. And let me tell you something about the weed. Everyone does the. It's harmless. It's harmless if you're Tim Leary and you have a fellowship somewhere and you're set for life. It's not harmless when you're 14 and it. And you're gonna get high every day.

Allison Rosen (156:39)

Even Brogan was a good student. I don't know when Brogan turned into.

Adam Carolla (156:42)

Brogan, but, yeah, I didn't smoke pot until after high school. All right, so let's focus on the weed. Bust your. Bust your hump. And everybody who's at home. Let's not blame the parent that's. That stayed behind and attempted to raise you that. That parent needs your praise, not your. Not your ire.

Allison Rosen (157:02)

Yeah, don't blame the parent who has their foot up your ass.

Adam Carolla (157:04)

That's right. That's a. That's. Blame the absentee velvety steel shanked boot of love.

Allison Rosen (157:11)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (157:12)

All right, now do I need the survivor guitar thing? I gotta find that. We gotta find it. We gotta find the whole fight sequence from rocky 3.

Bald Bryan (157:20)

I don't want to see.

Adam Carolla (157:21)

We got a lot of stuff. We got a lot of stuff. Lynch told me that the. The. The. Go ahead, Lynch.

Kane (157:25)

We actually.

Adam Carolla (157:25)

We have an issue. It's not Eye of the Tiger. It's the Bill Conti Gonna Fly now has the. The duplicate guitar solo. No, it's not. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yeah, right. This part. This part. All right, so now we'll hear the. And we'll hear the Ides of March, and then we'll get back to the yogurt. Turn it up. It's part. Right. Turn it up. This part here. Love this song. It's my go to karaoke song. It's a great song.

Allison Rosen (158:51)

To karaoke.

Adam Carolla (158:53)

Oh, yeah.

Allison Rosen (158:55)

That's my pickup line. Karaoke often.

Adam Carolla (158:57)

You know why? Because that's the greatest ending of any song. Yeah, Listen to it. Because it. You gotta turn it up a little. I hold the mic out here when I get the crown. Bump shut the heck. Great God in heaven. You know, the women I can Hear panties coming unraveled and flying off. That's what I look like when I sing the song. Yeah. Turn it up. Here's Dan. That's. That's the look right there. Now I go into the karate kick right here. Yeah. Great ending. That's an ending to a song. Ain't no fade out. Great God in heaven. You know, I love.

Allison Rosen (159:47)

Where was that?

Adam Carolla (159:51)

We'll throw that up on the website. Yeah.

Bald Bryan (159:53)

Budokan.

Adam Carolla (159:56)

That's at Jimmy's house on karaoke night. Usually, Jimmy just would get down to his underpants at a certain point and just sing. In his underpants, of course. But that's me. And you can tell that's not a posed picture. No, that is sweat flying saliva in the air.

Allison Rosen (160:13)

You look like something's gonna burst in your head.

Adam Carolla (160:16)

Forehead. Listen, I don't fucking mail to carry. I'm not like. I got chills. They're multiplying. I. Yeah. And did it my.

Allison Rosen (160:27)

There's Jimmy in his underwear with his.

Adam Carolla (160:29)

Pants around and did it my way. I don't mail in that. If people get up there with their. You know, with their grease or their Sinatra, I get eyes at march and I let it fly.

Larry Miller (160:41)

Is that an adult diaper?

Adam Carolla (160:42)

Oh, you have. By the way, you've. You've not lived till you've seen me do Hell Is for Children by Pat Benatar.

Allison Rosen (160:52)

No, I haven't lived. We have not lived.

Adam Carolla (160:54)

I'd do it for you, but we'd be on the ground having sex halfway into it. Allison, you could not control yourself.

Allison Rosen (161:00)

Then. Let's just talk about Occupy dc.

Adam Carolla (161:05)

I was there.

Allison Rosen (161:06)

Well, tell me about that. And when I just explained what happened. So they. Occupy DC was given a noon Monday deadline to clear out by the National Park Service.

Adam Carolla (161:18)

Can I tell you how that would work if I was in the Occupy anything? Because I was in D.C. a week and a half ago. A week and a half ago, and it was freezing rain. It was not, you know, the forecast wasn't just for snow. It was fucking cold. And those guys were out there with just Visqueen tents. I mean, just, you know, blue tarps, hungover, whatever. And the guy was telling me there's. There's sewer rats and stuff, stuff running around there. If I were in the Occupy thing, I'd be like, all right, hey, listen, I'm going on a hemp run. I'll be back in about 20 minutes. And then I just go to the police chief. And I'd just be like, hey, man, I don't want to seem like A poser. I'm gonna be the first guy to tap out. But we got drugs. There's some sex going on with minors, people defecating everywhere. How much you take a bulldozer? Police. Listen, I'm gonna be up front. I'm gonna be the dude in the poncho screaming, like, screaming out. Standing in front of the bulldozer. But don't mind me. Just keep going. What's your buddy? Because I get the out of here and into some central heat. Going nuts, like, on the ground here. Dirt. Okay. And remember, when you come back with the bulldozer, don't tell them we talked, all right? All right. Yeah, the hemp's going good. It's ten more minutes. Yeah, just do something like give us till Monday or something. And by the way, not next Monday. This Monday's freez outside, all right. I got to get back to my flat panel TV anyway. Don't tell anyone you saw me, all right? All right, good.

Allison Rosen (162:45)

Yeah. To the dismay of the protesters, no one's actually busting it up. There's kind of a standoff. Not really to the dismay, except to the dismay of you if you had been one of them. So, yeah, there's no immediate effort by the police to clamp down on the camper.

Adam Carolla (162:57)

Oh, the Super Bowl's coming. I'd be like, listen, for the love of all. All that is holy, dear God, before the super bowl shows, you got to bust this shit up because we got no cable.

Allison Rosen (163:08)

And what would you say to the rest of the protesters, though? Like, oh, no, I think they might bust us up soon. Oh, no.

Adam Carolla (163:14)

Yeah, you have to.

Allison Rosen (163:15)

Really. I'd be like, torn up over it.

Adam Carolla (163:17)

I'd be like, you know what? I'm going to the steps of the Capitol building on Sunday.

Allison Rosen (163:22)

Don't look for me. I'll be there. Raffle rap.

Adam Carolla (163:24)

Yeah. To light myself on fire at about 3:35. If it doesn't work, I'll be back. 7ish, depending on how many commerce. I mean, how long. Madonna. I mean, I'll be back, but I'm sending a message to the fat cats in Washington about 33 27. 3 35. Somewhere in there on Sunday now, the week before is the Pro Bowl. You know what? I've said too much. I'm sending a message.

Allison Rosen (163:53)

And now if you don't hear about me sending this message in the news, that's because the media is covering it up. That's what I would say.

Adam Carolla (163:59)

Bought and sold and paid for in the pockets. No, no, it. Not in the Pockets in the fanny packs.

Allison Rosen (164:07)

Yes.

Larry Miller (164:10)

I'll be back with some weapons at halftime. That is at.

Adam Carolla (164:14)

At.

Larry Miller (164:15)

At half of the time it takes you to do this. I'll be back.

Adam Carolla (164:20)

That's right.

Allison Rosen (164:21)

Then you come back. Why do you smell like Doritos?

Adam Carolla (164:25)

Why do you smell like Doritos?

Allison Rosen (164:27)

Oh, my God. I didn't see that one.

Larry Miller (164:30)

Because the man has changed. Pepper. Straight.

Adam Carolla (164:37)

That's right. That's what happened. That's that guacamole. That's the blood of a green patriot and not a New Englander. That's for damn sure.

Allison Rosen (164:49)

Do I not bleed salsa?

Adam Carolla (164:50)

Yes, that's right.

Larry Miller (164:52)

The blood is green because there's an Occupy Vulcan movement.

Adam Carolla (164:56)

Yeah. And every conversation be like, they think they can come over here and take over, but I'm gonna take the under and the points. Damn.

Bald Bryan (165:06)

It sounds like you're talking about sports patriots. If I didn't know any better, it sounds like you're talking about corporate.

Adam Carolla (165:12)

Listen, Manning. I mean, man, there you go again. What?

Bald Bryan (165:17)

It's almost like you're tripping up.

Adam Carolla (165:18)

You're an Eliar. Oh, please. He's one of them. Oh, I wish the Tom Brady act wasn't enacted. I'd have a handgun on me right now and shoot you like, with my musket, like they do when they score. Anyway, where were we?

Allison Rosen (165:34)

What's with the black paint under your eyes?

Adam Carolla (165:37)

That's called. Okay, that's. That's. That's from the Charred Stick of Democracy and so I can return puns and what's.

Allison Rosen (165:46)

Okay, so that Fear Factor episode that we talked about yesterday where the contestants had to drink donkey urine and donkey semen. Yeah, donkey urine and donkey semen, as Dr. Bruce would say.

Adam Carolla (166:00)

Right.

Allison Rosen (166:01)

Has been pulled. It's not going to air. Oh, Larry, get with. Get with it.

Adam Carolla (166:06)

It's got to suck for the guy who won the semen chugging competition. What?

Allison Rosen (166:10)

I know. Now, he can only tell everyone that is number one.

Larry Miller (166:15)

That is one happy donkey.

Allison Rosen (166:17)

That's of a glass.

Adam Carolla (166:20)

No, but they don't. They gotta get it.

Allison Rosen (166:22)

That's true. I think they get him, like, donkey, donkey.

Adam Carolla (166:26)

By the way, they give him donkey.

Allison Rosen (166:27)

Porn and send him to the bathroom.

Larry Miller (166:29)

And by the way, at a certain point, the donkey yelled, what do you think I am, Superman? Give me a minute.

Adam Carolla (166:32)

As far as the donkey, also for the donkey, like. Like, remember in the Flintstones, they'd be like, throw the garbage in the sink. And then they'd open the thing and there'd be, like, a pelican under, and he'd Go. Eh, it's a living. You know, I gotta see the one donkey that's just got the fat Mexican guy on it and he's dragging. He's dragging the cart. He's going up the road and he looks to the side and he sees the other donkey getting jacked off. And he's like, son of a bitch.

Allison Rosen (167:00)

Like Eeyore.

Adam Carolla (167:01)

Yeah. It's the fucking greatest donkey gig in the world. Look at me. I'm taking fat people down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You're getting beat off by segment producers. This. Jesus Christ. You want to talk about drawing the short stick here?

Larry Miller (167:14)

That's why Eeyore was like that by the.

Adam Carolla (167:16)

Oh, well, yeah, he was repressed. Yeah. And the donkey urine. Hey, I don't know. How do you collect donkey semen?

Larry Miller (167:26)

So this is.

Allison Rosen (167:27)

Oh, God, not this photo.

Larry Miller (167:31)

No, no, no, no. I'd rather. I would rat. No, I wouldn't. It's close though, with the donkey seam and that picture.

Allison Rosen (167:37)

Yeah. Honestly, I suspect you'd jerk off a donkey.

Bald Bryan (167:40)

It was found in Rod Stewart's belly.

Adam Carolla (167:42)

Oh, that's what it was. That's right. That's right. Now we found it. Now we got it.

Allison Rosen (167:46)

You think that's an urban myth, but I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who was at the hospital when they pumped his stomach and they found the semen.

Adam Carolla (167:54)

Me too. It's true.

Allison Rosen (167:54)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (167:55)

All right, you ready? You good?

Allison Rosen (167:57)

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

Adam Carolla (168:02)

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Oh, Rod Stewart's dreamy, isn't he?

Larry Miller (168:08)

You know what? I really don't know what's going to be a worse brain tattoo for me. That Rod Stewart. That or the frothy mug of donkey sperm.

Adam Carolla (168:21)

Well, I'll taste something that tastes a heck. Heck of a lot better than a frothy mug of donkey sperm.

Larry Miller (168:26)

What's that? Anything seasonal.

Adam Carolla (168:27)

Sherry berries. That's why they call me a smooth. I don't know if that's even an option. To dip enormous fresh dipped in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and they roll them in the crushed up nuts there and the chips and the almonds and it is unbelievable. Yes. I'm gonna cleanse your mental palate with some Sherry's berries.

Larry Miller (168:55)

This is helping.

Adam Carolla (168:56)

This is helping, is it not?

Larry Miller (168:57)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (168:58)

Picture that beautiful succulent strawberry.

Larry Miller (169:01)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (169:01)

Y beautiful juicy strawberry.

Larry Miller (169:04)

All right, I'm starting to relax.

Adam Carolla (169:05)

You think that 14 year old kid was a big Yakov Smirnoff fan?

Allison Rosen (169:08)

No.

Adam Carolla (169:09)

Should have asked him about that. Beautiful and Valentine's Day coming up, by the way. I don't know if I mentioned that. Oh, it's coming. Yeah.

Larry Miller (169:17)

You know, these berries would be perfect for Valentine's Day.

Adam Carolla (169:19)

Oh, send her some giant dipped strawberries from Sherry's Berries. Only $19.99. That's a savings of over 30%. And by the way, I say over 30%, that could be 110%. Yeah, I don't know.

Allison Rosen (169:32)

Right.

Adam Carolla (169:33)

I'm not a theory or mathematician.

Larry Miller (169:36)

I'm too cynical.

Adam Carolla (169:37)

I thought it was 31% fresh and enormous. Just like Larry Miller likes his movies. Wow. Dipped in white chocolate. Milk chocolate. Oh, this is good. And by the way, you order now and they'll ship on Valentine's Day. So you get your order in now and then you forget about it. Forget all about it. Let Sherry's berries take care of it. Double the berries, by the way, for just 10 bucks. More. More. If you're, you know, dating a heavyset gal or so.

Allison Rosen (170:04)

Or two gals.

Adam Carolla (170:04)

Or two gals. Or one with a super fast metabolism like Brad Stewart over there. Don't, don't call 866-fruit-02. That's 866-fruit-02. Or you can visit them online. Barry's dot com. That's B E R R I E S dot com. Click on the microphone and type in Ace. That'll let you know you heard. I'm, I'm telling you, telling you people, we have these berries here. They do not disappoint. There's not a runt in this litter. They're all huge. They're all delicious, they're all succulent and they're all fantastic tasting. Unbelievable. Sherry's berries, that is berries dot com. Tell them Ace sent you. All right, let's. We're going to take a quick break. Is that the plan? All right, quick break. What are we doing? What can am complain about? Yeah, take quick break. What can am complain about? Next stuff. The world is full of it and one man can complain about it. All this is what can't Adam complain about. All right, buckle up. I got a lot of pent up complaining in me. I know it seems like I purge on almost a daily basis. What? I like the idea. By the way, I had lunch with Mike lynch today. He started complaining. I realize I've ruined him. The mild mannered Mike lynch is turning into a prima donna pain in the ass. Complaining of all, of all things about drivers. Just complaining about how shitty drivers are. I will ruin everybody. You just have to spend enough time with Me?

Allison Rosen (171:39)

Did you feel like you were listening to yourself?

Adam Carolla (171:41)

Yeah. It was scary. Yeah. Yeah. Myself. So that's like.

Larry Miller (171:45)

Women who live together get on the same menstrual cycle.

Adam Carolla (171:48)

No, it's not like it. It is. It is exactly that. It is literally. Literally that. Yeah. And it makes. Makes me really realize how annoying I am. But don't. I'm not gonna let up.

Kane (172:01)

Let's play some games.

Adam Carolla (172:02)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (172:02)

Work through it.

Adam Carolla (172:03)

I like when they do this one. I'm not gonna stop for you or anyone else because I'm rarely interested in the anyone else. Bart, it's mainly me. It's not like I'm not going to quit for you. All right, how about Chad? Nope. Not him either. How about. How about Sally?

Larry Miller (172:20)

Didn't I say no one else?

Adam Carolla (172:22)

You said not for me. But there's a man by the name of James, and he lives down the street from me, and I want to know if you're going to stop for him.

Larry Miller (172:29)

I might.

Adam Carolla (172:30)

What? Now it's an attack. All right, Molly. All right. Right. Let's see. Bad. Oh, man. I don't know what name that is. Badger. Vern. I don't know what name that is. Anyway, that's good. Get it off the screen. Rainier cherries. Rainier cherries.

Allison Rosen (172:50)

Badger burn.

Adam Carolla (172:51)

Badger burn. Am I saying something wrong? Does that mean something like.

Allison Rosen (172:56)

No, it doesn't mean anything that I know.

Adam Carolla (172:58)

You know, I don't like. I don't like. It's. It's like, you know.

Allison Rosen (173:01)

Know the pre. Complaint.

Adam Carolla (173:02)

No, I'm pre complaining here, but, you know, the vanity plates. And the vanity plates is just the first initial of all your kids, but you're trying to make sense of it. And you don't know the names of the kids. Yeah, well, what is he saying? He's saying walking Wyke. The guy's a Hawaiian. And you're making up something. You're doing that. Why? Why do I care about you? You know what I don't like? Vanity. Vanity planes. Because they suck me into your. Your life.

Allison Rosen (173:27)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (173:27)

I have to find out that you really love golf or that you really love your grandkids or whatever it is.

Allison Rosen (173:33)

Your other car is a broom.

Adam Carolla (173:34)

Yes. I'm trying to focus and. Or a horse. I'm trying to focus on the goddamn road.

Larry Miller (173:40)

I'm always an inch away from pulling up to the window of the driver and yelling.

Adam Carolla (173:44)

So.

Larry Miller (173:44)

Are you really a super mom? Right.

Adam Carolla (173:47)

Yes. Yes. This is a Rainier cherry. So says Badger Verne. Rainier cherries are the greatest thing ever. That God Ever created. And by the way, I don't even know if God created them. And if he did, what the fuck was he doing the last 20 years? Because they've only popped up over the last five, 10 years. As far as I can tell, they are explosive cherries. I mean, they are just like super sized cherries. They're cherries on juice. It is. They're really. They're really like. Like the Mark McGuire of cherries. Unbelievable cherries. And I can't complain about them, but I can complain about Angie, our old producer, when I used to do my morning show because I. She wouldn't eat anything. And I finally brought in a sack of Rainier cherries one day and I said, bitch, complain about these Rainier cherries. Because there's not a human being that wouldn't eat this. There's not. Lord Fauntleroy would. Would eat these things. And I gave it to her and she said she didn't care for it. And I realized right then and there she was with me. Because there's no way you can not like Rainier cherries. And a pox that lasts a million years, I put upon your family. For those who say anything about Rainier cherries, don't tell me you don't like Rainier cherries. I'll take this goddamn hammer and I'll go right upside your bald skull.

Larry Miller (175:06)

You know what, though? That might look good.

Adam Carolla (175:08)

Yes.

Larry Miller (175:09)

I don't. I. I've never had Rainier cherries.

Adam Carolla (175:11)

What?

Larry Miller (175:11)

And I.

Adam Carolla (175:13)

But you've had your fillet trefoils, haven't you?

Larry Miller (175:15)

Apparently so.

Adam Carolla (175:17)

Go back to your communist Germany. Nobody needs that around here anymore. All right. Court. Court French, don't argue with me when I'm on a roll.

Larry Miller (175:29)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (175:29)

Court French wants to know about the cold draft beer in the frosty glass again. Like the Rainier cherry. Hard to complain about. Except for I don't get cold draft beer in a fucking frosty glass anymore. I get a plastic glass or a plastic beer bottle because we have decided that somehow we cannot handle glass in this country. You go to Europe, you take a fucking glass of beer, a pint of beer, and you just fucking walk down the street with it. Why? Because you're an adult and you're of legal drinking age. And you can be. Now if you hurl that glass at a cop, then you get arrested. But until then, you're trusted as a responsible adult. Here we have to fucking drink everything out of shit that's made from Hasbro or Kenner, Just weird plastic and it mocks you when it's the shape of a bottle. Oh, it's the shape of a glass bottle. For just a fleeting moment at the ballpark, you go, oh, good, I got a Miller Lightener. Plastic. Plastic is the enemy of taste. Plastic fucks up everything, especially beer. If you put plastic inside of plastic and said, I want you to try my new sport drink. It's cold plastic, I would say this plastic bottle's ruined. Tastes too much like plastic now. I know. Listen, I'm, I, I'm not some kind of. I'm really not some kind of hysteric with this, but I, I know that drinking shit out of plastic, that's especially out in the sunlight all fucking day long, is not doing our innards any good. Give us a cold, frosty glass. And again, I had to bring my own glass to the fucking sports bar last time I wanted it. And of course, I got the hot looking chick who will look. But she didn't. But the doofy dude got it for me. Yes, I love cold draft beer. Yes, I love it in a glass. But sadly, those days are long, long gone.

Larry Miller (177:21)

Yes, I have a half a complaint about that. I love cold beer as well. But I've about had it with frosty glasses. I've about had it with that feeling. I don't need a glass hot from the dishwasher, but just a regular room temperature glass with a cold beer in it is good enough.

Adam Carolla (177:36)

I'll tell you what I don't need. I don't need a chilled fork.

Larry Miller (177:39)

That's what I mean.

Allison Rosen (177:40)

I don't need a cold salad plate. I don't frostbite. Try to make a salad.

Adam Carolla (177:44)

God damn right, I need a chilled fork about as much as I need the turndown service.

Allison Rosen (177:49)

I need a chilled fork as much as they need a hot poker in the ass, by the way.

Larry Miller (177:53)

Well, actually, that comes poker.

Allison Rosen (177:57)

How about leaving the jokes to Adam?

Adam Carolla (178:01)

All right? Someone wants to know if I can complain about. Oh, In N Out Burger. I'll tell you the problem with In N Out Burger. In N Out Burger Burger does that thing where they go, we do all our lettuce, like hand. It's all hand. Leaf lettuce. We make all our fries fresh, nothing frozen, nothing in a heating rack. All made to order, all made while you wait. And there's a line that spills around the block and goes in the street every time I want to. In and out burger. I love all the freshness, but all the time it's taking you with the ha. Get a robot to. To leaf that lettuce and make those fries instead of a Mormon or whatever the hell you're hiring over there with the fish on it, by the way. Also the next thing is, is I want to fucking franchise In N Out Burrs. I want to say to them, let's take your shit east of the Mississippi and I'll get rich together. And I, for some reason, they won't do it. I've talked to them about it before. Like, let's take your shit somewhere else. Because a good burger will work any place, anywhere, anytime. I could take this to India and make money off it, you understand? And for some reason, they won't do it. So, yes, it is a great burger. Yes, it is a cheap burger. Always, always feel, though, that there's something I'm missing out on. You know, when the guy, he wants it bareback style or he's going Roman Greco.

Bald Bryan (179:23)

Raw meat.

Adam Carolla (179:24)

Yeah, raw dog. That means extra onion. It means no tomato. And you get raped by an inmate, an escape rent inmate with no condom.

Allison Rosen (179:34)

On a pile of cooked mustard.

Larry Miller (179:36)

That's right, by the way, that they have east of the Mississippi.

Adam Carolla (179:39)

I don't like that there's secret codes that people have that they're getting things that I'm not getting, you know, animal style or whatever it is. Great burger line is way too long. And here should be the deal with In N Out and anyone who's doing the burger run. I can't have you going on a burger run for 28 guys who aren't in your car. I don't like that you get one burger for every head that's in the car. That's it. I don't need. Because what up the drive through line is that. Well, you know, there's that one person and there's just one person in the car. Or maybe it's two people in the car and you go, well, this can't take too long. Couple double doubles, some fries and a coke. And somewhere around the 15th, pile of shit they've handed to them, they went, oh my God, they're buying for the entire construction site. They're going on a run for 28 dudes. I don't need that guy. You got to go the walk up, by the way. I don't need the driving through. All right, what's next? What else we got?

Allison Rosen (180:38)

Do you want to do the hot towel?

Adam Carolla (180:39)

You got to go to the main screen so I can see what's up there. What do you got? We got hot towels. Yeah, okay, I'll do the hot towel right out of the dryer when you get out of the shower first. I like this, but I've never experienced it in my life. I have the towel that's on the floor that I pick up. Yeah. Number two, every time I go to the dryer, I get angry because I always slide out the lint tray and it's always covered with shit. And I think, who's not cleaning this? What's going on? On? Why isn't this lint tray cleaned off? And then I go clean the lint tray. And the lint tray has two types of lint. It has the lint that's in the middle, that's easy pickings, that's low hanging fruit as we call it in the lint removal business. That's lint layup. We call that a layup in the li. In. In the lint business. And then there's the weird perimeter lint that's got hairs and in it that you got to pick out. Like that's a weird thing. It's, it's, it's somehow infused with that felt that goes around the perimeter. Now you're picking and you can stay there for an hour or, or a fortnight. You'll keep picking like that. Lint ain't going nowhere. I don't know what it is. Maybe we need a. Maybe you need a lint tray that you put through the washing machine. Something. I don't know because I feel like there's that one big lint thing and I'm not sure what to do with it. Do I throw it in the toilet also? So it's funny when you see a weird color. Wonder if this is for my sweater. That's funky, funky orange, weird hue in there. You have to. You're like a. You're like CS lint. Like CSI lint. Like you have to like. Oh, I wonder what was being dried in here before I got here. Look at these weird color patterns on this. And every once in a while it takes on the face of the Virgin Guadalupe. You have to pose by it for the local paper. But I clean the lint out and I throw it into the toilet. Always unclear. Does it go into the sink or do I throw in the toilet? And then it depends on how many free hours I have as to whether to really get all the rest of the lint around the trap out of there, out. Either way, I don't like lint. I wish the tray was clean. And I wish for once I would open that, that drawer or the door of the machine and I would just find oh, Also did not know this by the way I was throwing my. Okay, my. I got mildew in my racing shoes. I have racing shoes and they're covered in mildew and somehow I can't get it out. I'm spraying Lysol on them. I'm spraying simple green on them. So the other day, I boiled them in beesel nut juice. I boiled them in simple grapes. I took my suede Sparco racing shoes and I boiled them in a pot like an animal. Well, actually, animals would never do that. Was. It really became into a cauldron and. And it came and. And I poured a bunch of simple green in there and I boiled it. And then I took them and threw them in the dryer. And when they're all done, I smelled it. Still fucking smelled like weird black spores were coming into my nose. Yes, yes, Mold spores. Thank you.

Larry Miller (183:43)

I have never had, really a towel out of the dryer that warm because I am shooting for someone warm and fuzzy in the shower with me and then just a regular towel.

Adam Carolla (183:54)

So you just want to get Ron Jeremy in there with you. Understood. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. That was what can't Adam complain about? All right, somebody, Steve's got a question up here. Steve.

Kane (184:16)

Hey, how's it going?

Adam Carolla (184:18)

Good. What's your question?

Kane (184:19)

Hey, I saw you on your New Year's Eve show and Sparks.

Adam Carolla (184:23)

I just wanted to throw that out.

Kane (184:24)

That was awesome.

Adam Carolla (184:25)

Wow. Oh, good. Yeah, I'm glad. It was fun. Fun, fun place, right? No doubt. Yeah. Thanks.

Kane (184:30)

Hey, here's my question.

Adam Carolla (184:31)

I'm your age, and that means I.

Kane (184:34)

Graduated in 1982 just like you. We've got a 30th anniversary or a class reunion coming up.

Adam Carolla (184:41)

Going to yours.

Kane (184:42)

How do you feel about those?

Adam Carolla (184:43)

Well, I'm scared now, honestly, because I was planning on going. And the problem is my 30th high school reunion is about 500 yards from where I live, so it's kind of tough to go. You know, I'm out in December kalb and can't have direct flights. You know, some of my track farm equipment broke down and it's just not a good year. So I was planning on going. The problem is I talked to a friend of mine who's a year older than me who went to their 30 year reunion, and they were confronted by an ex girlfriend who said she had some unresolved issues with them. And then part of it included included me confronting. Basically confronting my buddy Carl and then bringing me up, too. And then I thought, ooh, if this is what's going on? Like, were people. People gonna have a couple of drinks and try to finish some unfinished business from 1982?

Allison Rosen (185:46)

Facebook is for.

Adam Carolla (185:47)

That's what I said. Yeah. I'm like, now I'm freaked out, and I did a lot of shit that was. Would. Let's put it this way. Somewhere between, you know, criminal and homoerotic. When I was criminal. Erotic.

Bald Bryan (186:03)

It's a Venn diagram.

Adam Carolla (186:04)

Yeah. When I was in high school. And now I'm the guy from the man show and Loveline. And I'm not sure if I want the drunk people coming up to me.

Allison Rosen (186:14)

Saying that you tried to rape them.

Adam Carolla (186:15)

Well, I didn't try. I mean, it wasn't first. First off, rape was a very different crime back then.

Bald Bryan (186:22)

Trying to catch failure, Alison.

Adam Carolla (186:24)

That's right. Right. It was, but it was a time you get pulled over for a DUI and a cop would follow you home, you know, it was a different time. A simpler time. Simpler time.

Larry Miller (186:36)

Oh, bring back the donkey semen.

Adam Carolla (186:38)

Yes. Steve, what do you do for a living?

Kane (186:42)

I'm a professional photographer.

Adam Carolla (186:43)

All right, so no one's going to know you. I mean, no one's going to go, oh, hey, we've seen your. We saw your bas. Cable television show, right? Yeah.

Kane (186:53)

They're probably not gonna see that.

Adam Carolla (186:54)

Are you bald?

Kane (186:55)

I am not.

Adam Carolla (186:56)

Are you fat? I am not. Well, then go. I think I will. Yeah. The real only reason not to go is if you're on basic cable. Bald or fat. Sorry, guys, but you guys have been bald since high school, so at least Brian has. So there's no problem. No problem there.

Bald Bryan (187:11)

Sorry. I recognized I can leave the badge at home.

Adam Carolla (187:13)

Right.

Bald Bryan (187:14)

The name tag stays on.

Adam Carolla (187:15)

Right. Bald bro Ryan. Yeah. Yeah. See, for me, it's weird because people want to come up and say hi, and I had a great time in high school, but now I'm worried that people are going to get drunk and confront me over weird shit that I did. Like I said, my buddy Carl got.

Allison Rosen (187:32)

Confronted like Margaret Cho all over again.

Adam Carolla (187:34)

Yeah. And I got worked into. Got worked into it.

Allison Rosen (187:37)

Yeah. What did you have to do with it?

Adam Carolla (187:39)

Well, it was basically, first off, my buddy Carl had nothing to do with it. I think my buddy Carl had his girlfriend. And he was like, I'm going into my rental cottage or whatever to go make out with my girlfriend. And me and Ray, I hope you're sitting down. Said, oh, yeah, let's check this out. And we ran around to go look in the window, and we didn't see anything. And they didn't do anything, but she felt like she needed to confront Carl.

Allison Rosen (188:05)

How did she know about this?

Adam Carolla (188:09)

I got drunk and Talked at the 10 year reunion. Shouldn't have been bragging anyway. All right, somebody's been on hold for a million years. Let's talk to Jason. Jason. Hey, Adam, how you doing? Good. Jason, you did the billy goat cartoon?

Kane (188:27)

Buddy, I just have to tell you, I feel so bad that I made you look so bad on there. And I didn't even mean to, but I've been feeling so guilty.

Adam Carolla (188:37)

Oh, don't worry. Just because I love.

Kane (188:41)

Dude, you don't even know.

Adam Carolla (188:42)

Like, I stayed up until like 3.

Kane (188:44)

O' clock in the morning for that.

Adam Carolla (188:45)

I.

Kane (188:46)

That, that podcast, that post on itunes.

Adam Carolla (188:49)

I was just.

Kane (188:50)

I felt like. I was just. I was just ready to die. It's like I made Adam feel bad.

Adam Carolla (188:54)

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Allison Rosen (188:56)

Everything makes Adam feel bad, Jason.

Adam Carolla (188:59)

I left the womb feeling bad, brother. Just made my. Well, that makes me feel better.

Kane (189:04)

Dude, I just want.

Adam Carolla (189:05)

I just want to make something you would enjoy. No. Yes, he did. He did our billy goat cartoon. And I appreciate it, Jason, but no. Just because I look grotesque doesn't mean.

Kane (189:15)

Okay, man, I just, like. You know what? You want to know how pathetic I am? I've been, like, around the house.

Adam Carolla (189:23)

Hold on a second. I don't want to know. Yeah, like, get it. You drew a cartoon of me.

Bald Bryan (189:27)

He's doing the thing you told him to do, you know, work for free, send people stuff.

Adam Carolla (189:31)

I like that.

Allison Rosen (189:32)

And everyone liked this cartoon.

Adam Carolla (189:34)

Yes, yes.

Larry Miller (189:35)

By the way, I think it's very flattering, but. No, actually, I. No, I think especially that shot. It evokes you. It kind of. It kind of looks like you.

Adam Carolla (189:42)

I know. That's the sad part. Yeah, that's the scary part.

Bald Bryan (189:45)

I have no chin in Charlie Brown's head.

Adam Carolla (189:47)

Oh, that's true. Yeah. Brian. Brian, come off a little worse grotesque as well. All right. Stamps. Yes. Your time is valuable. Very valuable. You could be sitting home eating short bread cookies. Oh, Larry Miller lost so much. Look at Paul Bryant. Why waste time going to the post office? Everyone.

Larry Miller (190:09)

By the way, if you see that face at the playground.

Adam Carolla (190:11)

Yes. Run. Take your kids and bury them in the sand. Tell me you'll be back for them. Get your postage. The instant, instant. You need it. All right. And of course, the great Larry Miller Live show, cocktails with Larry Miller. This Friday, February 3rd, Spruce Peak performing Arts center in Stowe, Vermont, everybody. And also in the Queens Theater, Corona, New York. Oh, it's not in Queens. It's in the Queens theater that is.

Larry Miller (190:42)

Frothy mug of donkey sperm.

Adam Carolla (190:44)

Saturday the 4th, 4th, February 11th, the lead center in Lincoln, Nebraska. The podcast, of course, this Week with Larry Miller, LarryMillerpodcast.com new episodes released each and every Wednesday right here@annapole.com and LarryMillerHumor.com of course. So until next time, this is Adam Pearl. Oh, yeah, me, Redondo beach, that's right before Arts center with Dennis Prager. A sit down on the Meaning of Life tickets. Frothy mug of donkeys almost gone for that one, people. So let's get going. And Spokane, Washington, Knitting Factory, Saturday, March 10th. Let's get going on that one, too. All right, so where were we? Ah, oh, yes. Portland, Newmark Theater, Sunday, March 11th. There we go. So until next time, Adam Corolla for Ball Bryant, Larry Miller and Allison Rose. And saying mahalo. How can I get fat without bringing any pleasure to my face?

Giovanni (191:49)

All right, that is it for today's classics. Until tomorrow, mahalo. And get it on.

Adam Carolla (192:20)

The explosive action all summer long with movies like Gladiator, Mission Impossible, Beverly Hills Cop, Good Burger and True Transformers. Dark of the Moon. Bring the action with you and stream for free from all your favorite devices. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never.