LeVar Burton + Dan O'Brien (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show Classics (May 8, 2026)

Guests: LeVar Burton, Dan O’Brien | Classic Episodes from 2012
Panel: Adam Carolla, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, Dr. Bruce

Overview

This episode of Adam Carolla Show Classics serves up a medley of favorite segments from 2012, featuring visits from LeVar Burton (of "Roots" and "Reading Rainbow" fame) and Olympic gold medalist Dan O'Brien. The show dives into Adam’s signature rants on everything from voicemail etiquette and technology to sports fandom, traffic, and pop culture. Highlighted in this episode are uniquely candid, irreverent conversations that blend nostalgia, comedy, and sharp cultural observations.

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Highlighted Segments & Key Themes

1. Dan O’Brien: The World’s Greatest Athlete

[57:47–73:44]

• Olympic Legacy: Adam welcomes Dan with warm praise as the 1996 decathlon gold medalist and dives into the “world’s greatest athlete” mantle.
  • "Dan is THE world’s greatest athlete. At least he was in ’96." – Adam ([01:44])
• Reebok’s "Dan & Dave" Campaign: Dan discusses the infamous 1992 Reebok ad campaign, missing the Olympic team due to pole vaulting, and rebounding in 1996. Many people, he notes, still mix up when and how he won.
  • "Do you have people who think you didn’t make it because of that big campaign and then the letdown at the end in 92, who don’t remember that four years later...you came back and won it?" – Adam ([63:08])
• Adoption and Family: O’Brien opens up about his adoption, diverse family background, and affection for his adoptive parents.
  • "My parents would say that’s what the Lord led them to do...They ended up adopting six kids..." – Dan ([64:56])
• Parenthood, Genetics, and Duty: Adam riffs—half-joking, half-insistent—on Dan’s “duty” to pass on his world-class genes for society’s benefit.
  • “You have super seed in you … it’s almost like a civic duty.” – Adam ([59:58])

Memorable Moment:
Adam’s comedic persistence in lobbying Dan and his wife to have children for the sake of the human gene pool:

• “You owe us a sire...You thought that shit was free? Think again.” – Adam ([62:05])

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2. Adam’s Technological Rants: Phones, Voicemail & Ringtones

[08:04–20:32]

• Relentless Phone Rings: Adam vents about smartphone ring patterns, wishing for a civility function that gives people ample time to answer—ironic, given digital complexity.
  • “Wyatt Earp couldn’t get his hand on that thing...Why are we so fucking dumb?” – Adam ([10:16])
• Voicemail Pet Peeves: The crew discusses outdated, overly verbose voicemail greetings and the annoyance of "fakeout" messages.
  • “In 2012, are we all up to speed? Aren’t we all familiar with the rules on leaving a message? Can’t you just go like, 'Dave, talk—beep'?” – Brian Bishop ([18:28])
  • “I don't need the tutorial. The one I’m glad is gone is the fake-out message—'Hello?'—then nothing.” – Adam ([19:41])

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3. Sports Rants & LA Kings Bandwagon Fandom

[33:43–43:20]

• Sudden LA Hockey Fever: Dave Damaschek and Adam poke fun at Los Angeles’ fickle embrace of the Kings hockey team during playoff runs.
  • “Suddenly...no one knew anything about hockey. Now everybody can’t wait to watch their beloved Kings chase that cup...” – Brian Bishop ([33:53])
• Sports Uniforms & Gimmicks: Analysis of the Kings’ color scheme and the NHL’s shifting fashion priorities—Adam laments the loss of team color diversity.
  • “At a certain point, everyone just said, ‘If we paint our jerseys black, we’ll sell more of them.’” – Adam ([38:41])

Comedy Highlight:
Adam’s tongue-in-cheek call for black Hollywood celebs to support “white Russian-born Canadian” hockey players, to balance out decades of white celebrities supporting NBA players.

• “Black celebrities, it’s time for you to step it up—I wanna see Denzel, glass side!” – Adam ([35:57])

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4. Panel Banter: Pizza, Food, and Life’s Absurdities

[03:23–08:04], [93:19–101:18]

• Pizza Philosophy: Adam waxes poetic on simple pleasures, like good cheese pizza and garlic powder etiquette—insisting everyone should enjoy pizza as they like it, social approval be damned.
  • “The best pizza sometimes is the simplest...if the gay sex is really good, you don’t need the amyl popper.” – Adam ([04:18])
• All-You-Can-Eat Follies: Hilarious rundown of an obese Wisconsin man who was cut off at an all-you-can-eat fish fry and called the police to protest—leading to philosophical musings and buffet strategy lessons.
  • “There should be a ceiling, like the elevator has the maximum capacity—you know what I mean?” – Adam ([94:13])
  • Recounts Jimmy’s dad’s buffet “schematic” from his Vegas upbringing, focused on “making the buffet rue the day.” ([99:52])

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5. Pop Culture & Voicemail: Cynicism Meets Nostalgia

[25:48–32:58], [120:09–126:13]

• Celebrity Myth-Making: Adam reveals his discomfort with being called a “lovable schlub” and the odd effects of public perception.
• Animated TV Decline: Skepticism about the dwindling returns in Fox’s "animation domination," the decline of The Simpsons/Family Guy, and how animation became the network's crutch.

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6. LeVar Burton: From Reading Rainbow to Roots and Beyond

[173:16–207:23]

• Confronting Carolla: Adam recalls being the only person LeVar Burton ever called out, after Carolla made an offhand comment years earlier—LeVar confirms, humorously, that Adam is unique on his “call list.”
  • “You are the only person on that list.” – LeVar ([175:42])
• Roots Legacy: LeVar shares memories of his Roots audition, the impact of the miniseries, and how it burned into American consciousness.
  • “The final episode of Roots is still, I think, number three on the list of most watched episodes of television...” – LeVar ([177:25])
• Debating Stereotypes: Adam and LeVar discuss the “myth of the black man’s large phallus” and how stereotypes propagate through limited representation—in this case, porn.
  • “The only experience we ever have with the engorged black penis is pornography, and thus we think ALL black men have a huge penis.” – Adam ([181:16])
• Post-Roots & Reading Rainbow: LeVar describes his path from Roots to PBS and his affection for educational projects.
  • “Thus began my long standing love affair with public broadcasting.” – LeVar ([182:22])

Notable Quote:
On a program incentivizing inmates to read books:

• “Time off for literacy. It’s a good policy.” – LeVar ([184:45])

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7. Cultural Observations: Celebrity, Gender, and Modern Life

[187:01–207:23]

• Tom & Katie’s Divorce: The panel analyzes Tom Cruise's break-up, Hollywood gossip, and the mechanics of prenups, fame, and public image.
  • “He has built himself this gilded cage ... to being the most perfect man on the planet.” – Adam ([197:03])
• Aging, Beauty & Fame: Reflections on how beautiful actresses like Kim Basinger must hide as they age, contrasting with male celebrities’ latitude to age and remain public.
  • “If you’re Kim Basinger...she has to become a hermit now, because if she goes out, people’ll be going, ‘Oh, look at that.’” – Adam ([204:47])
• Mental Health and Wealth: The difference between “in-between nuts” (who get help) and the mega-rich or very poor (“untouchably nuts”), using Kim Basinger, Brian Wilson, and Phil Spector as reference points.

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Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

• Adam on Pizza & Social Approval:
  • “I asked Phil Rosenthal’s permission to put garlic powder on my slice of pizza ... I’m glad to know that I can do it this way.” ([05:11])
• On Voicemail Annoyances:
  • "2012, are we all up to speed? ... Can’t you just go like, 'Dave, talk—beep'?'" – Brian ([18:28])
• On Celebrity Stereotypes:
  • “He’s built himself this super-sober greatest on the planet, greatest dad on the planet cage, and now...he can’t really ever be a human being.” – Adam ([197:03])
• Dan O'Brien on Adoption:
  • "I was adopted at age 2 by a very nice family in Klamath Falls, Oregon ... they ended up adopting six kids..." ([64:56])
• LeVar Burton on Prison Education:
  • "Time off for literacy. It’s a good policy." ([184:45])

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Funniest Moments

• Adam’s “Civic Duty” to Offspring:
  • “You owe society for all we’ve given you. … You owe us a sire.” ([62:05])
• Rant on All-You-Can-Eat Abuse:
  • Mocking a man cut off at a fish buffet: “I would just make it all I can eat. And I would be the owner, who would be the 180 pound guy who was sensible and go, that’s all I can eat. It’s not all you can eat.” ([94:13])
• Adam & LeVar: Generating Stereotypes via Porn:
  • “Is it supported in some fashion by the fact that if you’re a black man in porn you have to be huge?” ([181:16])

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Useful Timestamps

• [01:44] Show opening, sports, “world’s greatest athlete” chatter
• [08:04] Adam’s rant: phone ringtones, voicemail
• [33:43] LA Kings, sport fandom segments
• [57:47] Dan O’Brien extended interview
• [173:16] LeVar Burton extended segment
• [184:22] News with Alison Rosen (incarceration & literacy, TomKat)
• [204:47] Reflections on fame, aging, and celebrities

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Episode Takeaways

• Signature Carolla: Quick-witted observational humor, irreverent but thoughtful on issues large (race, technology, family) and small (food, pop culture, voicemail).
• LeVar Burton: Underlines his genuine commitment to education and media legacy—interspersed with wry, good-humored stories about fame and fan encounters.
• Dan O’Brien: Shares an inspiring narrative of resilience, humility, and family—punctuated by Adam’s comic “eugenics” pep talk.
• Panel Chemistry: The familiar banter between Adam, Damaschek, Rosen, and Bishop offers listeners the comfort of recurring bits and relatable struggles, blending old-school radio pacing with modern podcast looseness.

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For listeners both new and old, this episode delivers quintessential Carolla—an unpredictable, hilarious, and sometimes profound ride through the absurdities of modern life, sports, and celebrity.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[LeVar Burton]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Podcast Narrator]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you would like to hear any of these full episodes presented today or any other episodes from the Adam Carolla show archive, over 4,200 original episodes, along with the entire archive of The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Beat it Out. Make sure to check out Adam Carolla's [e-mail] and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcarolla.com now, as a side note, we cannot play any material from Loveline or the Kayla Sex Morning show, which ran from 2006 to 2009. If you're looking for any of that content, please check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni there you'll find the most up to date information on my archival efforts or in the home stretch. Now on to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Carolla Show 832 featuring Dan O', Brien, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm excited. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bullbrian. Okay, now the fun begins. Yeah, Dam Sheck. Sheck coming in. Going to talk a little sports. Dan O', Brien, the decathlete won the gold US 1996. And that is world's greatest athlete business right there. Because it really is. It's got the world and athlete in it. You know what I mean? I mean, we have the world's greatest athletes. And you can probably just assume that whoever wins the NBA championships, the best basketball team. But still not playing the world. We're playing us. And every once in a while Grease will sneak up on you for some weird reason. But not Dan. Dan is the world's greatest athlete. At least he was in 96. So he'll come in here, we'll talk to him.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's like Miss Universe versus Miss America.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. Covers more territory. And by the way, can that ever really be proven? You know what I mean? I am Miss Universe. It's pretty fucking lofty. Like, who sat around and went with that, you know? Miss Continent? Nah, nah, not big enough. Not big enough. Miss World. No, Miss World. Still find it limiting. Still. There could be some fox on some planet somewhere. It could be Planet Stone Fox, where everyone is not under 6 foot and they're all tall and blonde and D cup. So what if one of them came down in a. In a capsule and fucked our shit up?

[Dave Damaschek]

Or what about, like, Ms. Hemisphere?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Getting warmer.

[Allison Rosen]

Miss Milky Way's probably too much, right? We gotta reel it in a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Plus it has some weird connotations to it.

[Allison Rosen]

Ah, it's a great point.

[Dave Damaschek]

You wanna say milky?

[LeVar Burton]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. So Dan will come in here, Sheck will come in here. Couple things. We're ordering some pizza. I'm excited to say that Matt went to great, great lengths not to fuck up the pizza this time. And so did. So did Mike lynch as well. So he went over, he actually reviewed the tape from the last time I was complaining about pizza and fixed it. But again, just got back from New York and had a slice of good pizza. And when pizza is really good, cheese will do just fine. As a matter of fact, when pizza's really good, the other shit kind of gets in the way a little bit. Takes away, like, you know, if the gay sex is really good, you don't need the amyl popper. That's what Grandpa used to say. I don't know if it's true because I always used amyl popper.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I do too. And then you get used to that extra stimulation.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying a really good slice of pizza to me, just requires a. I like the paper plate because I like to see where it drank up just a little bit of oil. The weird little oil spot on the end of the thing. I like the paper plate. I like a dusting of garlic powder. Not garlic salt, but the garlic powder. You ever do those things?

[Dave Damaschek]

Some people's houses are purely garlic salt. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I don't like that. You ever have that thing too, where people tell you it's okay to do something the way you're doing it and you feel okay, but it's stupid that you asked. Like, you know, you'll say to some guy who's a real foodie or connoisseur, or guy, whatever. You go like, am I? I've got some really nice single malt scotch, but I like to put a little bit of water in it. Is that okay? And they go, oh, no, that's perfectly fine.

[Dave Damaschek]

Connoisseurs drink it that way. Good, good.

[Adam Carolla]

I get to drink it the way I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been doing for the last 12 years.

[Adam Carolla]

I asked Phil Rosenthal's permission to put garlic powder on my slice of pizza.

[Dave Damaschek]

The garlic powder that was offered at the Pizza Pizza joint.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he was like, oh, no, go ahead. And I was like, oh, good, thanks. Thank you. Millionaire Jewish guy. He was like, no, go ahead.

[Dave Damaschek]

And I was like, the captain of pizza decreed it. Okay, this is fine.

[Adam Carolla]

This is fine. You should have the pizza how you want. And I was like, thank you. And by the way, can you tailor these slacks while we're talking this way? So I thought. But there's that point. There's that part of you that goes like, okay. Like, I would have put it, like, if he said, no, really, you'll ruin the sanctity of it. I would have been. I would have said like, hey, what's that over there? And then I would have shook it on there and then ate it anyway. But. But I'm glad to know that I can do it this way.

[Dave Damaschek]

Accepted you.

[Adam Carolla]

The best pizza sometimes is the simplest. Now, Matt. Matt went and checked, and Matt actually had a meeting using GoToMeeting with Mike lynch so as not to fuck up the pizza order this time around. That's right. Go to meeting.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a genuine endorsement.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you really use this?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we absolutely did.

[Adam Carolla]

We were having our advertising meeting. Once I was wrapping up, people were signing off. I was like, lynch, you need to

[Brian Bishop]

stay on the line.

[Adam Carolla]

We have very important business to discuss. I'm really glad that there was a video conferencing because I got to see

[Brian Bishop]

the sincerity in his eyes. I really believed his pizza choices. But it was a very intense. Not intense.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a great conversation. I think you're going to be really happy with our choices. So our pizza is possible with GoToMeeting, brought to you by Citrix. It is awesome. And you want to try it for free? Oh, yeah. You can try it for free. 45 days free. Use the camera that's built into the iPad and you download the GoToMeeting app. App. And kapow. Pam kazoom. You have a Great Pizza order 45 days free. Only if you use the promo code. Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button. Enter the promo code AdamGoToMeeting. All right, but the other thing I want to talk to Matt about is Matt and I were on the sofa the other day in the back in the lounge talking shop. He has his punch list of things he doesn't understand that I've told him to do or get from me. And his phone started ringing, but it was not on his person. His phone started ringing in his office, so he scurried to get it. And, you know, he's fleet of foot. He's like a shutdown DB in the NFL. He's a shutdown corner in the NFL. He lives on Reavis Island.

[Allison Rosen]

He's like a husky tennis ball boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. By the way, who's those guys must have the worst posture on the planet. Like, imagine those guys just walking around the house, just half slumped over all the time. The only good thing about being married to one of those guys is anytime you drop your keys or something, you'd be like, could you get that for me? As long as you're down there, you

[Dave Damaschek]

wouldn't even have to ask.

[Adam Carolla]

Just run across and go get it. But he has his phone, and his phone reminded me of something that drives me insane. And listen to me. I don't want people to tweet me and say, you can fix it. If, like, if you know an engineer who can actually crack into a smartphone and he has some soldering skills and some surplus materials, you can just go ahead and rewire it so it doesn't.

[Dave Damaschek]

You can make your own circuit board. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I don't want that. I'm not fucking Iron Man. I'm not Tony Stark. I'm not fucking prison. I'm not MacGyver. Everything should just come out of the box the way it is, and then we will modify, modify it if it needs modifying. But everything should come as is because we're just not smart enough for the smartphone. So do you have your phone at the ready, Matt?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so is Half Tarred Gary going to call you right now?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we'll see how this goes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see how this works. All right, this is Matt's phone. Pick it up. All right, start now. Hang up and start it from the top because we had an unfortunate flush, but you're getting the idea. This is the phone call. Now imagine he's at the funeral, at the wedding, at the theater, and the phone rings. Is there a second between rings? Is there a second between rings?

[Dave Damaschek]

Non Stop.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so that is relentless. Here's the thing. The first ring should hit, and then there should be a fucking six Mississippi so that you could get it out of your pocket, your purse, your what have you, your coat. I mean, imagine if this thing was just in your coat pocket and it was around the chair you were in and you're at a wedding or funeral. And that fucking thing. It's physically impossible. Wyatt Earp couldn't get his hand on that thing. Not that they had the kind of cell phone technology back then that they have now. They probably had the big beige ones or maybe the clamshells. I was thinking beige.

[Dave Damaschek]

Was I like those with the giant

[Adam Carolla]

antenna and the creepy flesh tone that they used to make electronics.

[Dave Damaschek]

Like maybe part of his face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. If it does, he has a huge goiter that's shaped like a shoe on the side of his head. But the point is, Wyatt fucking Earp could not get that thing out of his pocket and shut before three and a half to four rings. Why are we so fucking dumb? Like, the technology that's in that phone is unbelievable. You can press a button or two, it'll go up to a satellite that's thousands of miles above us that's moving at 30,000 miles an hour and orbiting this globe. It'll bounce off of that. It'll go down and give you the exact location of whatever the closest Chili's restaurant is to your per. It'll tell you where you're. There'll be one spot that tells you where you are. There'll be another spot that will give you street by street directions to the Chili's in Burbank. It has so much fucking technology, it's ungodamn believable. But just the common sense. The common sense of, okay, do we or do we not have a problem with cell phones ringing in theaters? I mean, it's a big problem. As a matter of fact, I've seen it talked about. My name's MacKenzie and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a nonverbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills. So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous Donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was struggling with. GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising

[Sponsor Voice]

platform trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it was even 60 minutes. I don't know if it's Stacy Keach or some guy was talking about. It's a major problem. Look, we're idiots. We're fuck ups. Nobody can find their keys. What are the chances you're gonna get 2,000 people into an auditorium, have them do a theater, have them do a Broadway play, have a guy delivering a monologue out to the fourth wall and not have just one of those fuck ups, have that cell phone go off. I mean it's almost impossible. And by the way, we can't even shut up for 10 seconds if they do that thing. If any time there's any ever group of more than 50 people and someone says, please bow your head for 10 seconds in silence in remembrance of Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier. It'll go like this. Thank you. I'd be like, you'll not make it three seconds without someone hacking something up.

[Dave Damaschek]

Like really interesting that we've decided coughing is okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. Fucking stifle yourself for 10 goddamn seconds. Just, just 10 seconds. I might. My favorite, my favorite part. Fuck. Give me Mike, give me my ring, Give me my bell. Give me my bell. That might my favorite part of watching. Good to see you, Sheck. My favorite, my favorite part of watching any boxing match is hopefully like, like the great Angelo Dundee has passed. One of the legends in boxing training. Seven former champions, four heavyweight champions, a total of 26 title belts in a 50 year career. Now the ceremonial 10 count for the great Angelo Dundee. Oops, they don't get three in before. So like hey, give me a beer. You can't fucking stifle yourself for 10 seconds. The man devoted his career to boxing. He's dead now. 60 years in the game. You can't fucking stop. There's always myself. There's always something like, hey dude. There's always somebody yelling, just whistle. Just do like just shut up for 10 seconds. I've never been in an auditorium like a wedding or funeral or something. Like now we bow our head in prayer for just a moment of silence. There's always somebody coughing. Always. What is that? Who is that person that needs to cough? It's a five second silence. It's like, bow your head for just three seconds. Just. Just a moment of silence for the deceased. And there's always somebody hacking in the background. And then when he hacks someone else hack. What is that? So the cell. The cell phone should work this way. The first, ring him up again. This is. This is Matt. This is Matt's cell phone. It's impossible. It's fucking. It's literally impossible. At a movie, a theater or a Broadway show, whatever. It's a big problem. Now Broadway has a huge problem with this. We have to keep telling everybody. Here it is. This is the first. Just listen, Listen. What the geniuses have done, it always feels like. All right, here it comes.

[Brian Bishop]

Ironically, this is the only time you're actually getting any stretch of silence.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, so here's how it should work. First ring, fine. Then you get a 5 to 6 Mississippi to dig it out of your pocket and shut it off. Or hit mute or answer it or do whatever. Then the next ring comes. Why do you need the second ring? You heard the first ring. You couldn't possibly get to it before the second ring. What kind of thinking is this?

[Dave Damaschek]

I would add something that's been quietly bothering me. I don't understand the insistent vibrating while it's ringing and on. Gary Halftart. Sorry, Gary's phone. It also has slight seizure at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know when these calls became. Is Commissioner Gordon calling everybody? When did this become so fucking important? One ring.

[Dave Damaschek]

If you can't hear the really loud ring, like this is presupposing that you're somewhere where you are at a concert and you can't hear the loud ring, but you have it still on the audible ring, but you're gonna feel it. Or if you can't hear it or feel it because I don't know, are you submerged in water or death? You're gonna see it light up.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, I just. I'll take the ring, I'll take the vibration. I'll even take the light up. I just want ample time to address the first ring and then the second one can come along. Why you have to fucking annoy everyone else in the theater or within a 20 foot radius is insane to me. And is there a way, Matt, for you to set it to do that? Oh, with a pause after the first ring? Not that I know of.

[Brian Bishop]

No way. Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Why do. I am functionally illiterate. I come from North Hollywood.

[Allison Rosen]

Aren't there like 10,000 ringtones on that phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but not the cadence. The cadence is still fucking.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I can't, like, change the pattern of this specific ringtone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can. I was put on academic probation at a junior college. Okay. You have to attempt to stab a teacher in the neck with a number two pencil in order to do that. And yet I can figure out that we need that. All right, Dave Damoshek, Good to see you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hello.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I say one thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, on the other side, now it goes to voicemail. And yeah, you know, I've talked about the front running lady who is the receptionist on your phone. You know, she tells you, like, you have no messages at this time. That broad, she ticks me off.

[Adam Carolla]

But the.

[Brian Bishop]

The thing I don't like is, is the personalized message. In 2012, when you get a phone call, time is precious for all of us, Right? When you. When you're. You call somebody and you get their voicemail, they got, they say like, hi, this is Dave. You've reached my. My voicemail. Please leave the time you call your phone number.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

And I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thank you very much. In 2012, are we all up to speed? Aren't we all familiar with the rules on leaving a message? Can't you just go like, Dave, talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Beep.

[Allison Rosen]

Also my detailed message. I don't need your callback number.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need the condescending brief message, follow that with mom, but not the Ace, man. I mean, you're talking, you know, you're talking to modern day Will Rogers here. I should wax on for a little while on your message. That'd be the best day.

[Brian Bishop]

Slippery slope, though, Ace. Lesser versions of you. It's like when Nirvana hit. That was great. But then there were the bands that

[Adam Carolla]

came off of that Creed.

[Brian Bishop]

That's. That's damage. Damoshek is creed in this equation. I leave 18 minute long voice messages too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, family. Family and boring people brief messages. But look, if you got something to say and a point of view and a little attitude, go ahead and wax on.

[Allison Rosen]

Make this message your own. Have fun with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. I agree. I don't. I don't need the tutorial about that. I don't need this. I don't need anything cute. The one I'm glad has gone the way of the dodo is the fake out of answered the phone.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Every third jack off you went to high school with had one of those. Hello? Hello? I can't and then why, by the way? Why agitate you? That's right up there. That is basically the personal version of the small business that has the sign behind the counter that says, you want it when. And there's a guy laughing like, why are you trying to agitate me? I'm trying to come in and use your business here. Why? Why are you fucking with me?

[Dave Damaschek]

There was that brief time when so much effort was put into the clever outgoing voicemail. Like, I remember there'd be different songs and we changed the words and stuff. I had like the whole Brady Bunch being like, hi, it's Marcia. Hi, it's Jan. Hi, this. Hi, it's Allison. Hi, it's Melanie, this college roommate and hilarious, but that. I feel like when you get the fake out one, I would have to be like, oh, man, you got me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you have to give a response. There's the one. Then there's the family one where they include, like the dog and the bird into the mix, which I don't like at all. Then there's this one. Now this is the new one. Celebrities don't say their name, and they oftentimes don't even use their voice because you'll know who it is. So if you call the celebrity, you will just get the automated message saying, here's the number you've reached. But you're never quite sure if that's their number because they changed their numbers all the time. So you don't know if that's someone else's number or their number. And then when you call the celebrity, you have to leave your number and your name because you can't expect Alec Baldwin's just gonna call you back. But it's weird because now you're leaving your semi celebrity name and phone number to someone and you can't verify it's their number.

[Brian Bishop]

Please, someone behind the the glass, call Adam Carolla's voicemail right now. Here's what happens when you call Adam Carolla's cell phone. The person you're trying to reach, his mailbox is full. That's what it says every time. And has been that for 11 years at least.

[Adam Carolla]

I finally had my assistant Jay leave one that said, don't leave a message. But people still leave messages. That's evidently what goes on. All right, do we have. Where's Mike? Do we have a snippet of my audiobook? My book's done now.

[Brian Bishop]

Shaq Muzzle Tov to you and to Mike lynch on what's sure to be another bestseller.

[Adam Carolla]

He did a great job and we did a. We recorded the audiobook right across the hall there. And we have a little snippet that's a special improvised treat. It's about a guy named Frazier who I used to work with, who was Australian. No, he was from New Zealand, and he was nuts. And his first guy turned me on to Vegemite. Vegemite is horrible. Horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

I've never heard anybody praise it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible. And by the way, there's certain things that are bad but not aggressively bad, where you just go, eh. I don't know what all the hubbub's about, but Vegemite is like, ugh. Ugh. Somebody get this off my tongue.

[Brian Bishop]

What's it made of?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeast. Yeast infection.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fucking bad. Yeast is bad. So anyway, this story about us working earthquakes and back and. And Frazier and old Millie who lived in the building for 100 years, I think we have it in the same brick building. We were doing earthquake rehab. There was a woman named Millie. Millie had lived in that building for seven decades. Ann was turning 100 years old. So all the residents, plus the construction crew all gathered out front of the building to take a picture for Millie's 100th birthday. Fraser was standing on one side of Millie with his arm around her, and I was on the other. And that's when we heard, okay, everyone smile. One, two. I actually had a fart chamber, so it worked perfectly. Frazier broke wind. That was not stunt farting, people. That fucking timing. That's why they call me Ace. Anyway, Frazier did a version of that, and we all knew Frazier's gas was horrible, and everyone just freaked out, went, oh, fucking Frazier. Oh, it's so fucking bad. I mean, I guess, could there be anything worse than a Vegemite fart? And everyone just went, fuck that. And everyone cleared out and went back to their workstations. And poor Millie never got her hundredth year picture in front of the building she'd lived in her whole life.

[Brian Bishop]

Killed by the gas.

[Adam Carolla]

There's one. Yeah. Yeah. Frasier had horrible gas, and that was perfect timing. I just realized I had to fart when I was saying that Frasier farted. Method actor.

[Brian Bishop]

Method farter. Methane.

[Adam Carolla]

There are things we're, like, proud of. Or like, this guy drove a bus for the city of Glendale for 74 years. Like, really? Cause that sounds like a wild loser to me. Like, that sounds like a guy I'd never want to be near at a party.

[Dave Damaschek]

I missed a of day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't want to be near that guy who worked at the DMV in Eagle Rock for 81 years. Never took a sick day. Like, I don't want to be anywhere near that boring fuck at the next party. Like, there's a lot of. It's condescending. She lived in this piece of shit building in downtown la. Like this, you know, no bedroom, little shitty slum. But she'd been there for like 70 years. And it was a big deal. But it's kind of one of those. It's one of those Guinness Book of World Records for, like, being the fattest or having the most ear hair or something like that. Like, really, this is a distinction. You never being able to get out of this fucking apartment. That's like saying this guy was in prison for 75 years. Like, that's essentially what it is. Why do we reward that? I think it's a condescending thing, right? Yes, we do. That pure little person patronizing, thank you for doing the shitty job that we would. That one summer of it would have killed us when we were 19 and we'd immediately said where. Going back to college just sucks. But you were able to endure it. You were animal enough to endure this fucking pain. And now you've come to the end of your super horrible life.

[Brian Bishop]

He's called a sucker. Yeah. You don't want to be dutiful. Who's more fun to hang out with? The valedictorian who attends all the classes or Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, think about it in those terms.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of dutiful, there's a few. There's a whole chapter for Ray. And there's some duty involved. And Ray was no stranger to the duty.

[Brian Bishop]

One of my very favorite things stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. All right. So by the way, you can pre order the book at Amazon. Climbing the charts, man. We'll break into that top 100 at Amazon if you guys keep going the direction you're going. And then we'll be number one on the New York Times bestseller list, which will be really damn cool. All right. Sheck?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you bring some sports in?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, I did, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm a pro. Although, you know what I do want to say before you get into it, I like to go sometimes. I talked with. With Allison Rosen, that's me, a while back, about the message boards. Always a bone of contention for people. I love them. I can't help it. I'm addicted to it. I love seeing what people say. Some people. It rubs them the wrong way, makes them feel bad. But unless it's articulate, then it's funny to me and rarely is it articulate.

[Dave Damaschek]

A novel way of looking at it.

[Brian Bishop]

I went on there. I should have really pulled them out. But there's some great comments. When I was in here a couple Thursdays ago, there was some like, Ace just doesn't respect Dave Damaschek. He's a lackey.

[Dave Damaschek]

That actually made me feel better.

[Brian Bishop]

You saw that one.

[Dave Damaschek]

But they also feel that he doesn't respect me.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Dave Damaschek]

And you should just.

[Adam Carolla]

How do they become co host?

[Brian Bishop]

Because you regard people differently. Some people you respect as your peer. But when you met me, I wasn't your peer.

[Adam Carolla]

I gave you the one year probationary period.

[Brian Bishop]

But then it takes a shot at bald Brian. Dave is nothing more than a bald Brian level lackey. And that's how it's always gonna be.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a high level lackey, my friend. Or it's hard to get to where I am.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't, you know, there's two ones. There's two message board things that outrage me. I don't go to the message board. But you know, the tweet ones. There's the tweets that fuck you up the most or just anything being said about you that fuck you up the most. There's two. The one is the one that's way off. Like, are you nuts? Like the ones that go like, well, you know, Brian has to agree with Ace, otherwise he's going to get shit canned. And it's like, are you kidding? He burns calories. Disagreeing with me. Never agrees with a fucking thing. That's thing where it's like, hey man, you either see it my way or you're down the road. You know how the game is played. Like, are you kidding me?

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody tell Allison. Hipper to the way it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Though Ball Bryant has been disagreeing with me for like over a decade now. Number one really paying off. Yeah. So it's number one, hey, you got decent house over there and a nice Brian Tanner. All right. So the one that's way off will piss you off. Like fucking Brian. Are you kidding? He doesn't have to agree with me. He never does anyway. And then the one that's right on is the one that fuck you up a little bit too, you know? So it's gonna get really far from the truth. And right on the truth. If it's kind of just in between, it's like, ah, that person doesn't listen. They don't know what they're talking about. So the right on the ones that have just enough elements of truth in them to make you sort of question yourself. Those are the ones that piss you off. And the ones that are so wildly ill informed and outrageous. Those are the other ones that piss at least this broadcaster off.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's weird that the ones that are so wrong are so annoying because I always want to set the record straight too. Like, no, I did not start that. I didn't even say that. Yes, but I don't know why it's so annoying. You should just be able to say, okay, that person is insane or retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

So the message board, what, says I lack respect for you?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, yeah, well, no, that was the one. And then it was, you know, then there was one. Dave's an unfunny hack. Of course, I would always go, dave's hacky. You know, I'm hacky. And then somebody steps up to defend me. This is a defender. This guy says, you can't listen. I completely agree. I love Dave. But look, he's hokey. There's no question about that. But you can't look at him like he's your grade, Treating him like he's a comedian. He's not a comedian. He's a very entertaining and amusing broadcaster. Look at him in those terms and that'll turn you around. Like, what does that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and once in a while you get the compliment. And this bad because you don't feel like there's an agenda. Like, I'll be called lovable schlub Adam Carolla. And it's like, oh, geez. It started off so good. And you weren't even trying to be mean. I just got called a schlub.

[Brian Bishop]

Dave doesn't. The point with Dave is he's not trying to be funny. That's what's funny. Like what? Sometimes I'm trying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I did an interview. I did an interview today with some newspaper about the Sonoma historic races. I'm doing. I'm gonna be up at the Napa uptown theater this Saturday, by the way, June 2nd, and I'm doing a race up there. And I got the interview from the chick who didn't just. I don't know why, she didn't care or didn't know anything about racing, but she did this move where she went. I always love the low. I love that sort of first when they come from that place of, well, you must not be doing anything like where she said. So are you gonna be racing in the race or just. By the way, you can stop there because I'll answer. Or just kind of going around the track by yourself, like doing a sort of pussy version of the race. And I said, I'll be racing in the race. And she said, you will be. And it's like. I didn't answer. And I said, look, I go through this with my wife where she said, did you feed Molly? And I said, yes, I did. And then she says, so you fed Molly? And I don't answer because I'm tired of doing. Speaking of racing extra laps around road retard, like this thing, and where they're never quite listening and they're never quite. And everything is sort of scaled down and everything just feels stilted and weird. But you ever do that thing where you're getting interviewed by someone who's not listening to you talking? And then she said, so the man show was pretty sexist, and people expect you to be sexist. And I was like, it was a sketch show and if you watched it, me and Jimmy were always the ones that were on the butt of the joke. And also the person that does the interview that just ask you questions all the time and you think, why don't you have any of the answers to these before you do the interview? Like, they go, you know, you won the. So did you win the Toyota Grand Prix? Yes. Is that the first time you did it? No, it's the third time I did it. Is this the first time you're coming to Sonoma to race? Yes. Every question is, you fill it in, you buy, and then at a certain point you just go, why don't I just interview myself? And it'll be nice and we won't have to. We won't have to undergo this indignity. But it's that thing of like, why did you want to do what you wanted to do when it doesn't feel like you want to do it? Do you know what I mean? I understand the people.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you think maybe she was assigned it something?

[Adam Carolla]

It was just like, but why be a reporter?

[Dave Damaschek]

You're not even gonna feign interest.

[Adam Carolla]

It felt weird to me. And then it's always, I always. I think they're writing while they're talking. You know that feeling of, remember when you were a kid and you'd talk to your dad and your dad would be read while he was answering you, and you'd get these one syllable answers that didn't really care if you're not

[Dave Damaschek]

in a relationship right now because everyone's always texting.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're always texting. All right, Sheck, you got the number one sports waiting for us, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I do, of course. Does Bald Brian have our.

[Adam Carolla]

Queue it up, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Give me some balls this time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, crank it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Number one sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Number one sports. Do it, Dave.

[Brian Bishop]

Goodbye, basketball. Hello, hockey. That's what everyone in LA is saying.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a hockey town. Don't you know, I don't think that. I don't want to get into hyperbole, but is this the greatest bandwagon situation that American sports has seen in the last quarter century? Suddenly, a few days ago, no one knew anything about hockey. And well, that still is true today. No one knows anything about it. But now everybody can't wait to watch their beloved Kings chase that cup that they can't think of the name of Bob Bryan. I wouldn't. Allison, I know you don't like, you don't care about sports.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm catching a bit of the burger from you. Well, I want to be into it.

[Brian Bishop]

Sports in general.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hockey specifically. And the cup, well, it's wonderful.

[Brian Bishop]

It's the greatest trophy in sports. At least I would say. Ace, you don't count yourself as a hockey fan?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian, you're a trivia guy and you're a sports guy. Can you name three kings?

[Allison Rosen]

Currently, it's a combination of lack of interest in hockey and hate for all LA sports.

[Adam Carolla]

So. No, I like that movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I. Oh, you got two more. I don't have any. No. All right, I got Rogue Vachon. That counts.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Brian Bishop]

That's an all timer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, he means on. I'm letting him go.

[Brian Bishop]

But listen, if he can get three all time, I'll be mightily impressed.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Well, you got Robot, you got Luke Robitail, you got Rogi Bachon, and you can do the Wayne Gretzky cop out. I'd like you to skip Wayne Gretzky, but let's.

[Brian Bishop]

Jarmir Jagger. Yes, A nice try.

[Allison Rosen]

Wasn't Marty McSorley his enforcer?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. Let me say this, here's what we need. Look, I don't like to turn have things take a turn for the racial. But whitey has been courtside for all the brothers running up and down a lot of Jews, the Billy Crystal type, sitting right, spending good money sitting courtside, cheering on giant black men. Now, black celebrities, it's time for you to step it up. I'm gonna see Denzel, glass side, you know what I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

Michael Duncan Clark.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see Michael Duncan. I want to see Malcolm, Jamal Warner, Forest Whitaker. All guys with three names. I want to see all the brothers and sisters in Hollywood out supporting the white Russian born Canadian guys.

[Brian Bishop]

B from what's happening.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, wouldn't it be nice?

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty much. Out.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. I understood in the past you didn't have much to cheer about. But we said when it's time to

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[Adam Carolla]

And we watched the Lakers and you know, the Jews and the white man. We went and cheered you guys on and now you know, it's time to pay the fees on the roof.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think it's.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a grand idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Fair's fair. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I want sip from the Stanley Cup. You know, that's, that's the greatest tradition, Allison, in all of sport. My book is that you drink from the, you drink booze from it. It showed up in a bar at like 2:30 in the AM and the Penguins had just won it in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And the play by play guy was there, he, he said, hey. I said do you mind if I give it a feel? You know, lift it up over the head. He said, have at it. I did. Then I said, do you mind if me and my chums get a little beer in there? Try that Iron City. Beer went into it. Next thing I knew I woke up on the banks of the Three Rivers, drunk with the stand. Well, I didn't know that part didn't happen but. Oh, it was one of the great, one of the great moments of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

So are the King. The Kings are going to be favorite going into this, right?

[Brian Bishop]

They should be. They're dominating right now. They've barely lost the game. They haven't lost a road game at all. And we'll see who they end up playing here at the time of this recording. It's not clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Sheck, what do you think? I know the uniforms are.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And it makes you angry about a lot of team uniforms. I feel it's a cop out. The Kings used to be purple and gold. It was a great looking hockey sweater. And hockey sweaters for me, maybe it's just the square footage or something, but there's just more opportunity. I like the fact that a lot of them lace up in the front. You know, they got A little. That's got a weird pirate feel to it. You know, laces up. It's just, it's big, it's a lot of material. And it's, you know, baseball, short sleeve. Football, short sleeve. These are long sleeve. And they went to Raiders colors at a certain point to try to track the gang bangers or whoever. At a certain point, everyone just said, look, if we paint our jerseys black, we'll sell more of them. But the Lakers were always gold and purple.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a cool thing, wasn't it? They shared a building and still do.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Both occupants of the building were wearing purple and gold. That's a pretty nifty little trick. In Pittsburgh, all the teams wear black

[Adam Carolla]

and gold with the white and black or silver and white. It's not a kingly color. First off, nobility's gotta have gold in it.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the color, right? Isn't that the color royalty?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, purple, Yeah. I mean, you should look like a crown. Royal sack. That's the crown. The crown's right on the crown. It's called crown royal. It's got royal and crown just right after the sack. That's all you do. But no, they go with this Raiders cop out bullshit, black and white kind of Al Davisy thing. And then they flee town. And now for some, you're with me. And by the way, why bother with a color television set when all you have is white guys on the ice and they're black and white jerseys. Wow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What do I need color for? What did I pay extra for this color set for this flat panel color tv? I could have saved a buck when.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this your new punctuation?

[Adam Carolla]

This is my new snort.

[Allison Rosen]

I like it when that walks in. She's like, what are you watching? You're like, my money go down the drain.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Listen, this is a very particular point on uniforms. NHL, they decided like five, six years ago that the home team, it always traditionally was that the home team wore the white sweaters. Why? Because when the road team came in, then you'd get to see the rainbow of colors in the league. So whoever came in, wow, look at the Detroit Red Wings head to toe in red and white. That's nifty. Ooh, look at that. Look at the orange and black. An imposing combo for the Philly Flyers. Now everybody who comes in looks at their wear white. You can't tell the difference. And the hometown fans, just look at that all black uniform in la. I don't like it. Yeah, that purple sweater Is glorious. That's a real shame.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also. It's a great chance to just let your freak flag fly because you have all this material and you're on ice. There's no functional anything. I understand white. When you're out in the sun and you're playing in Tampa or something, and it can get hot and you don't want a black helmet or whatever it is, but you're in a town, you're inside, you're on a block ice. Why not? Furthermore, speaking of playing on a block ice, are you with me on this one? I don't want the goalie to have the squeeze bottle casually laying on top of the net behind him. It feels so casual to me. It just. It feels.

[Dave Damaschek]

What's he gonna do, put his purse up there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it feels like. Where's your keys and pager, buddy? You got your other shit up there. Wallet, like, what else you got up there? I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. It hasn't registered for me, but. Yeah, you're absolutely right. There's something overly casual about that. But what about the resin bag out on the mound in baseball?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like that, but at least maybe, you know, they use it and people go, well, they use. You know, they get dehydrated. Well, first off, you're standing on a block of frozen water. Like, how bad could it be in terms of dehydration? Number number one. Number two, like any sport, take in a bunch of fluids before you go out for your period. How long's a period in hockey?

[Brian Bishop]

20.

[Adam Carolla]

20. All right, go out. Go ahead and flush yourself up with Gatorade and then stand there. You don't have to keep hitting the squeeze bot. And the fact. Or put a fucking holder for the thing. Next, the fact that there's no accommodations like these things are just casually flopped on top of the thing. It feels haphazard.

[Brian Bishop]

It is nice, though, when the guy on your team shoots the puck and he. And they. He roofs it, as they say, the underside of the top of the goal of the net, and the water bottle flies spectacularly up into the air. But what if it extra satisfying?

[Adam Carolla]

What if, like, the holder. What if the hold and kick and kicking just went like. Yeah, like a cup of water here

[Brian Bishop]

with me, that's my biggest beef in football is these punters now, they're out there, just before they take the snap, they take a towel out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

They rub it and then they throw it on the field.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing, bub?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, this ain't your living room.

[Dave Damaschek]

We had A movie theater.

[Brian Bishop]

Get that thing into your belt line or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, this guy has not only the Gatorade bottle, but it's in a koozie. You're on a block of ice. You really have to keep it fresh. You're in the most. You're in a Lake Huron of block of frozen water. How warm is that thing going to get?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe it's hot cider.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, either way, the koozie. Thank you. The koozie is null and void because not only are you standing on a block of ice, but your hand is covered with three inches of cow. So how's your hand gonna warm the thing and you're not touching it? Haphazard. It's one more reason to get a Gatorade logo out there. And I'll bet you that's what it is. It shouldn't. It has no part in the game. No part.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not going to stand for it a moment long.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm glad that I never got into hockey.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and by the way, as a side note, with NHL hockey, they're planning. I said this to commissioner Gary Bettman about five years ago on the radio. I said, hey, Commission, instead of all these. You know, I love that. The Ice Classic, whatever they call now,

[Adam Carolla]

I can't even think of the name of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Play outdoors thing on January 1st. They play in the snow, in the tent, in the. In the. In the elements. It snows generally and they always play them in the northeast of the country. I said to him, how about a double header one time? Show the breadth and the popularity of your sport by putting the second game. Put the Kings not forget. Forget a stadium instead. Put it on the banks of the.

[Dave Damaschek]

Put it.

[Brian Bishop]

Put it on the sandstone of the Pacific. Let the backdrop. Instead of people, let it be the sea, the glorious sea behind there. Scantily clad girlies playing volleyball on the sand nearby. Wouldn't that be grand? So now they're talking about doing that. But they're talking about Chavez Ravine, which still goats. I'd still love to see it, but. But neat. But here's the great development in the world of puck right now, or at least speculated about this is true. Remember when the Jamaicans had a bobsledding team? They made a movie. Perhaps his greatest performance.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see everyone who was in that movie cheering on the Kings when they come home to play at the Staples center and go for the Stanley Cup. That's what I'm saying. I want the brothers, the cast of Cool Runnings, I want the cast of Cool Runnings there. I want Tyler Perry and every character he's ever played.

[Brian Bishop]

Best role of John Candy. What was his best role?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I just saw it the other day. Stripes. I'll say whatever. Psycho or Moose or whatever. Stripes.

[Brian Bishop]

Incorrect. Allison, do you want to take a guess?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Trains, Planes and Automobiles.

[Brian Bishop]

Another great very movie.

[Adam Carolla]

When he was playing, when he was in the car and Steve Martin fell asleep, and they played that Ray Charles song, Mess around, and it came on, and he started playing the saxophone, and he got. He was trying to get his jacket off, and he was smoking and playing the saxophone when they cut to Steve

[Allison Rosen]

Martin's POV and John Kennedy's the Devil.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a fantastic role. Oh, they'll. Is that your answer? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that your answer as well?

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, only. That's a great role. Best. Only by Uncle Buck.

[Brian Bishop]

Uncle Buck is great. The correct answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Splash.

[Brian Bishop]

He plays. It's interesting. A young Tom Hanks. And his older brother is obviously still more, you know, morbidly obese. John Candy. But he's a playboy. He's a womanizer through the picture, and it's. It's just awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway. All right, Dan o' Brien is here. All right, well, let me just tell

[Brian Bishop]

you something real fast. So now, building on as though they're ready. Readying themselves for a sequel, they're now actually trying to put together a hockey team for the Olympics, which is just the grandest idea there is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

The Jamaican hockey team. And I scratched out quickly the puns that will emerge from that. Now, that's what I call high sticking.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right, I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it.

[Brian Bishop]

I got you. The coach is rolling more than his lines.

[Adam Carolla]

It's pot on this team.

[Brian Bishop]

Holding isn't a penalty, it's a virtue. That's what I call lighting the lamp. Hey, they hit the pipe. Their best player is Mike Green. You know, they should get to coach this team.

[Adam Carolla]

Herb Brooks. Herb Brooks.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe those message borders were right.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's not a comedian. He's a funny broadcast.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just being an entertaining bloodbuster.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he's affable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So that's that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Brian Bishop]

And I. Well, I have a bunch more. You know what we can do later on, though? We'll do this because we have a little bit of time. Ace. We've missed the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but now with I'll have another running, it's time for the three.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Brian Bishop]

Two out of three. Something, right? Good for the. Good for the Stang. Good for the. Good for the Wang, good for the Stang. Based on Adam Carolla's theory that the horse that sounds the most like a great name for a man's genitals will generally win the race. And I'll have another. Pretty good. That says something pretty good. I like that one so much. I'll take another of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for the Wang, good for the Stang, Very important.

[Brian Bishop]

So that's that. Do we quickly. Do we have time for me to bang out a creepy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead. There's always time for that.

[Brian Bishop]

Creep, creep, creep of the wake of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. This week, it's the state of 21st century fitness ads and videos. You know, 20, 25 years ago, it was, you know, it was Jane Fonda and leg warmers and Dick Simmons sweating to the oldies. But have you noticed in the last several years, it's getting more and more intense to the point of it being so obnoxious and emasculating to be a TV viewer. I didn't buy your video, you understand? But the names of these things. Insanity. P90X. What kind of scary concoction it lies within whatever you get when you order P90X.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. By the way, the key to P90X is muscle confusion. Does that mean I could be reaching for a coffee mug and just smashing on my forehead? Like, I'm not looking forward to it. I like my muscles to know exactly where they're going and what their job is. I don't want muscle confusion. They confuse your muscles. Hold on. There's. Yes. And there's that samba one, too, where it's like that chick who's shaking her ass and then out of nowhere, blonde comes in in a half tee and starts shaking her ass next to her. The chick doesn't seem put off by it. She's not like, who's this blonde chick who's in my living room now? Jumped in.

[Dave Damaschek]

One quick thing about P90X, he refers to sweating as DNA removal. That is not how you want to refer to it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it doesn't seem like that would be something you'd want. Yeah. Get rid of your DNA.

[Dave Damaschek]

We're in the business of DNA removal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You'll be like an ape in no time. Yeah. So you watch these ads, and I wonder what happens with these things. But they're all about, like, this workout is so insane. You really shouldn't be doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Brian Bishop]

You're probably gonna die, but there's a chance that you'll poo pull through and look better on the other side. But where really crosses the line for me is when it is just on a commercial. I'm watching regular old tv, minding my own business, watching a ball game or whatever, and all of a sudden, you know, some ex MMA guy starts yelling

[Adam Carolla]

at me like, hey, get, get that

[Brian Bishop]

douche out of your snatch and get over here and start working princess. Because we're gonna shed these paths like, what? What happened? I didn't do, I didn't ask for any of this.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need Randy Couture threatening me on my sofa. Couture is the guy, right? Everything does two things. One, it fits easily under your bed. Which, how do they know if I'm sleeping on a futon or I have my box ring on the ground like. But by the way, nothing goes easily under your bed and nothing comes out easily under your bed. I can't get a fucking tennis ball from one of my kids Matchbox cars easily. It slides easily out from under the bed and then all you do is hook it up to your door. And then there's 2,000 exercises you can do. But they're all just a slight variation of a chin up.

[Brian Bishop]

But they have the most diabolical names.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, that's right. The Castrator. Yeah. Mount Death, these things. And everything is just. You realize pretty quickly all you need is a prison cell that has a bar that you can do push ups on the ground, you do chin ups or you do that super thing, that thing where you do like the inverted sit up where you hang your feet over the top of that, that pipe and then you do that crunchy where you come all the way up, you know that inverted one where you hang upside down, crunchy.

[Brian Bishop]

And it's all. And it's all also because of the glistening dew that their bodies. It's all. There's, there's a homoerotic element to all of it too. But Randy Couture, like you say, he's always yelling at me about stuff. For those 30 seconds, I've never felt smaller. With the possible exception of when Ray has played the breathing game with me and cuts off my ability to take air in.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, it's in the book. It's in the book, but he does.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that right? Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in the book. It was written up by ABC that it was not okay for him to suffocate fellow employees.

[Brian Bishop]

And yet he couldn't help himself.

[Adam Carolla]

A grown man, he worked at Kimmel for a few years to play the breathing game.

[Brian Bishop]

I think we can. We can round this circle out. Complete this circle. Ray needs to make a workout video because. Right. Randy Couture's yelling at me like, hey,

[Adam Carolla]

you got a door, baby? Yeah. You got a workout gym?

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Stop yelling at me. He's a. You know, he's an ex MMA guy. He was a Navy seal, and he invented this. Hey, this guy committed four murders still locked up. We went to him in. In confinement and had him shoot the video for you. I don't stop these ads. Stop making me feel small. Stop making yourself feel good about yourself. Or I got something that no amount of muscle could ever beat. It's a hand Solo edition Blaster. Feel this thing now, jerk. You're the creep of the week.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. You got a bed, you got a door, and you got 20 minutes. I'll confuse the shit out of your muscles. They won't know which one your bicep will be arguing with your. Your quads and triceps.

[Brian Bishop]

Leave me alone. Four decades of constant abuse have already made me a shell of what a real man should be. I don't need this from you, Randy Couture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I do like that Samba one or whatever it is, because the chicks in those yoga pants like shaking their ass real good.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't like that either, because they're having so much fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Zumba.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a story of my life. Everybody else is having way more fun than I am. When's it my turn? That's my question.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it'll be your turn to leave in a second. Cause Dan o', Brien, I. I should say yes. Dan o' Brien is here. Dave Damaschek, by the way, can be found on. Allison Rosen is your new best friend guest on today's podcast, by the way, and available now on our app and on itunes. Dave Damaschek podcast. Dave Damaschek football program. You can get it on itunes as well. Davedamichek.NFL.com and you can Twitter Dave. Tell him just how unfunny he is. Oh, I'm sorry, Amishek. Quickly, entertainer, before we bring Dan o', Brien, the world's greatest athlete in here. Maximum Digital. I don't know if you guys knew that the magazine has gone digital. Maximum.com digital editions. Oh, yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Maxim.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry. What was I saying? Maximum.

[Dave Damaschek]

Your lips got confused and excited.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you know what it is? I did ace on the house today, and there's a different sponsor, Maximum Lighting, which has screwed me up. Anyway, Maxim that's right. Let's do a rewind. Maxim. Maxim.com digital they got it. 2012 issues currently available, including the 2012 Hot 100. The top ladies.

[Allison Rosen]

Check them out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Go to your computer.

[Allison Rosen]

5. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. This will be an appetizer while you're at your computer. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the juices flowing. Little foreplay. Mm. Maxim. I'm saying that, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Maxim goes to the movies. And you can count down the most badass scenes in cinematic history. And I hope none of them are in Drive. That movie. Oh, Dave left the movie. Drove me nuts. Are you still standing by after the tidal wave?

[Allison Rosen]

This is a fantastic film.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that even though everyone told you you were wrong, I.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not for everyone. And.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But will you agree the consensus now is that it was a bad film?

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely not. Pull up the road. The top critics. I stand by them. Just like you stand by them when you don't defend your favorite movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Who. Who says this movie's a good film? Have you heard from anyone on yes, the Tweeters fail. Fear that it's plenty of morons. Plenty of people have told you what a bad movie you're standing by. This not for everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're calling it a good movie that most people don't really like. Yeah. Okay. Sexy spawn. Hot daughters of celebrities, by the way. Maxim.com digital and let's see. I'm gonna see what the peoples. I'm gonna see. We'll find out what the peoples have done on Rotten youn know who used

[Dave Damaschek]

to write for Maxim?

[Brian Bishop]

Frank Gutzel 1.

[Dave Damaschek]

Allison Rosen. Oh, yeah, that's right. So maybe you can find some of my stuff on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Tenacious D, by the way, shares tips on how to rock you out. Maxim.comdigitaledditions and look for the Archive Guild.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't know if it's there or not, but you can try to find it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so digging in on Drive, even though everyone's telling you how bad

[Allison Rosen]

it is, you really want to do the people versus the critics? Because we can look at Buckingham.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm talking about everybody.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I need people who gets back to me and said, I saw Drive. Like a lot of people saw it down. Saw it down the road. They saw Drive down the road, and

[Allison Rosen]

they've decided the audience is at 78%.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's high.

[Allison Rosen]

That's very high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Critics at 92%. It's a great film.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But Anytime the audience is much lower than the critics, that's a really bad sign. That means of a movie that not a lot of people means they're disappointed. Oh, please. Have you seen this movie?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I haven't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please, see the movie.

[Dave Damaschek]

It sounds so awful, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fucking bad. Oh, it's a horrible script. It's got a whole bunch. The cinematography is great with. With no script.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's super violent, too. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's. But no, don't worry. You don't care.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

By the time they get to the violence, you're completely checked out of the movie because it's so fucking. It's so cloying and slow, and it moves at such a shitty pace that you just. You don't give a fuck about anyone in it. So when it. When anyone gets killed, you've moved right on.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

You could give a shit if everyone dies in the movie, including the lead. It doesn't matter, because you. By the time they get to it, you don't give a fuck. But, yes, then it's annoyingly shocking and violent in lieu of story. There's no story. You will admit the script is bad.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel bad for Allison. She has to be really bad.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's. The script is bad.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not about the script.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but the script is. The script is bad or good. Is it a good script? Okay. Bad script, but great movie. All right, we'll take a quick break. Dan O' Brien back. Next. Recent inductee in the US Olympics hall of Fame, world's greatest athlete, 96 decathlon gold medal winner, Dan O'. Brien. Good to see you, Dan.

[Dan O'Brien]

Ace. First time, long time. I'm a huge fan.

[Adam Carolla]

I always know people are fans when they go, ace, man, wow. Now, why are you a fan of mine?

[Dan O'Brien]

You know, I started listening to you. I started listening to you on the radio, and I. I caught kind of the tail end of Howard Stern. Started listening to you, and just became a fan. Love the way. Love the way you just kind of just make people think. And my wife's tired of hearing me, because everywhere we go, I say, you know, I wonder what Ace would think of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, wow.

[Dan O'Brien]

It's pretty funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that.

[Dan O'Brien]

And I thought about it. It was at Disneyland yesterday. Ate lunch at Blue Bayou, and I thought about you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, world's worst vanity place. Blue by you. Depends if you want sexual or not. Yeah. Everything. Well, I was at. Everything's too salty and too expensive at that place. But let me say This. I was at the California, you know, California Adventure. And right after. What's her name? Mackenzie Phillips, had gone on Oprah and talked about having consensual sex with Papa John Phillips. And they were playing California Dreamin. And I thought, this is the weirdest thing. It was about three weeks afterward, but I thought, is there anyone in charge of music and music selection? And when somebody is in a band and they have consensual sex with their daughter and you're at Disneyland, shouldn't you pull that one out of your jukebox or out of your rotation? But I'm so glad.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why is the incest patrol. Why are they falling asleep on this job?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wake up. I'm so glad that you annoy your wife with what would Ace do? I like that.

[Dan O'Brien]

And she just rolls her eyes. It's. It's pretty interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Eventually, you can convert her. It's gonna take a little while. She's here today.

[Dan O'Brien]

Oh, day. She's listened to the whole show. She's been smiling.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dan O'Brien]

Yeah, we had a great day yesterday, so.

[Adam Carolla]

So you went to Disneyland?

[Dan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you have kids?

[Dan O'Brien]

No, we don't have kids. Two dogs. My wife and I, for about the last 18 months, have been Disneyland, Disney World crazy. We've been to Disney World twice. We're just kind of vacationing fools. And right now we're into Disney.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, let me say this. You have. Sorry, but you have. You have super seed in you. You know, you're the world's greatest athlete. It's sort of. You have to have kids. You know what I mean? Like, Mike lynch didn't need to have a kid. Let's be honest. I mean, you know, I mean, look, it's fine. I'm not gonna stop him. I can't. But he didn't have to have kids. You. You know, it's almost. It's a duty. You know what I mean? It's almost like a civic duty. You're the world's greatest athlete if you've won Olympic gold. You know what I'm saying?

[Dan O'Brien]

I do. You know, I was adopted, and so I almost feel like it's my civic duty to adopt. You know, I was. I don't know. You know, don't know. My biological parents don't know what I'm made of or mixed with. You know, So I just, you know, I'm a mutt. They got me at the pound. And. And, you know, my wife and I, we just. I kind of just. We missed our window. I think she's almost 40, and I'm 46.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me talk to you for a second.

[Dave Damaschek]

First off, Adam wants your sperm wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Schmife, I want to introduce you to my friend, Grace Jones. I mean, she'll understand. This again, this is for the country, you know what I mean? This is not about. This is bigger than you. You understand, number one. Number two, the wife having the kids at the older age and that window. There's never a good time to have kids. It's always a pain in the ass. And the wife is usually the one that's gonna drive this agenda. But evidently your wife is not pushing this agenda on you. Right.

[Dan O'Brien]

We've had just other interests, you know, she's had a full time job. I travel a lot, so it just, you know, it didn't really come up. But as we've gotten older.

[Adam Carolla]

But there is time. There is time. The window is closing, but, you know, there's no time like the. I mean, you can have kids at 40. And again, I haven't met your wife. I imagine she's a bit of alright. And look at you. You owe society for all we've given you. All the medals and all the sponsorships and all the honors and all the Wheaties boxes and all that. You owe us a sire.

[Allison Rosen]

You thought that shit was free? Think again.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Now look, if you have a girl, you can try again. That's all I'm saying.

[Dan O'Brien]

Hey, your girl is a good little athlete. It sounds like she's gonna be the athlete.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she'll kick the shit out of my son. My son's off, but he's a world class puss. But yeah, she's good. She's got the coordination going for her. All right, so you go to Disneyland and you ride in the Pirates of the Caribbean and all that stuff. You're making the rounds, you're doing your thing.

[Dan O'Brien]

We put in a lot of mileage, she walks nice and fast and I think Yesterday we hit 18 rides. We really pushed.

[Adam Carolla]

So your story and the whole Dan and Dan thing. The whole Reebok Dan and Dan thing.

[Dan O'Brien]

Dan and Dave.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Dan and Dave. Sorry. Yep. Fucked me up. Dan and Dave. That was that in 92.

[Dan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you didn't make it that year.

[Dan O'Brien]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

So. And did Dave make it that year?

[Dan O'Brien]

Dave made it, but he got the bronze.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So the whole thing kind of turned out to be a weird sort of a bust. And then you came back and won it four years later.

[Dan O'Brien]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's so weird because. And it's just this Thing where you only have so much room in your brain for so many memories. And do you have people who think you didn't make it because of that big campaign and then the letdown at the end in 92, who don't remember that four years later, then you came back and won it?

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, I am remembered by a lot of people for the campaign.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Dan O'Brien]

And they're not sure whether I made it or not. They kind of put the. The win in 96 with the campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dan O'Brien]

So. But that's especially. It's interesting, especially when I'm in Los Angeles. A lot of people remember Dan and Dave, and I think because we filmed all the commercials here, and I did a lot of appearances. I was courtside at the Laker game, during Laker games, during Dan and Dave, we did big autograph signings at Big five and different things like that in the Los Angeles area. So. So, you know, but I. I just was not a good pole vaulter in 92, and that's why I didn't make the team.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. And there must have been. I mean, you must have had a moment after not making the team, after this crazy campaign where I'm sure you didn't want to show your face. I mean, it was embarrassing. And there must have been a moment where you're like, do I hang up the cleats, or do I double down on the training? Like, obviously you doubled down on the training. But was there ever a moment where you thought, do I hang up the spike?

[Dan O'Brien]

Not ever, because it was early in my career. I had only been in International Competition, 1990, 91. And so 92 was only my third year as a pro, so to speak. But, you know, I got over it fairly easy because we were in New Orleans. And so literally, for three days, I just went to Bourbon street and kind of forgot my sorrows, melted over the bar, got drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what's your story with adoption and your personal story?

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, I was adopted at age 2 by a very nice family in Klamath Falls, Oregon, Jim and Virginia o'. Brien. They ended up adopting six kids, ranging, you know, my little brother's Hispanic. I got an older sister who's Native American. I have a sister like myself who's biracial.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're like, we're getting a scholarship.

[Dan O'Brien]

And then two Korean sisters.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dan O'Brien]

All right. And, you know, I listened. It's interesting. I listened to your story, and I think my parents burned a ton of calories raising us just a ton of calories.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they, you know, I think people that first off, people that adopt other people, 99% of them are the greatest people in the world and there's the 1% that are the worst people in the world. But you wanted, you know, your parents wanted you. Like, there's no doubt about that. There's some question marks regarding my parents and whether they actually wanted kids or they're too lazy to pull out or they couldn't afford a condo them. But they wanted, like, my kids are here because we did a fertility campaign that cost me a bunch of money. And it was humiliating and it was horrible. You'll have to do the same thing in a year or so. I'll tell you all about it. But the point is, I tell my kids I wanted you. You guys cost me like 40 goddamn grand. Believe me, I burnt calories. Mommy and daddy wanted you here versus someone was drunk and didn't pull out. You know what I'm saying? Yep. So your parents wanted to you. You.

[Dan O'Brien]

They absolutely did. It would be hard to tell though, because my mom was angry the whole time when I was a kid and I think, you know, for rightly so. She was cleaning up and cooking for. And finally, I think when we all graduated high school, I saw my mom when I was in my early 20s and she was a completely different person. But, you know, she worked hard for us. And then my dad wasn't much help either. I think he was just another kid, another mouth to feed. And he went off and made the money, but my mom did all the work.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, why adopt so many children? If three is a burden, then obviously six is going to be double that.

[Dan O'Brien]

You know, my parents were just in a position where they could and they got asked to. And if you asked them, they would say that's what the Lord led them to do.

[Adam Carolla]

So they're at a church and the church would say, there's a kid who needs a home. And yes.

[Dan O'Brien]

And you know, later my dad, I mean, even talking to my dad now, he thinks, wow, how different would our life would have been? You know, our lives would be if we just had adopted you too, or stopped after the first four or, you know, after the first three. So those are interesting conversations. But, you know, we grew up and we were all adopted when we were really little. So it seemed kind of natural. The only time it didn't seem natural, when we were, you know, driving down the PCH in a converted school bus that was a camper and, you know, people wondered where we were from and who we were.

[Adam Carolla]

So your parents. I was just talking about this the Other day, like, I was a Catholic big brother, not because I'm a great guy, just because I knew somebody and they recruited me and they said, come on. And I was like, yeah, okay. And we're talking about this the other day on the podcast, why'd you do Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Apprentice? I don't know. Somebody asked me and I said fine. And next thing you know, I was just sort of in. I guess it's like all the people that get caught smuggling drugs from Mexico

[Dave Damaschek]

into San Diego, they never applied to be a smuggler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's like there were 19. They were stupid. And someone said, here, put this in your ass. And they went like, all right. And the next thing you know, they're getting arrested. Your parents are a little that way. But with adoption, like they went to the church and they said, look, we got a couple Korean girls here. And they went, ah, what's one more? What's a couple more? Come on home, get in the station wagon.

[Dan O'Brien]

And just so I can throw this plug in there, you can read it in my book called Clearing Hurdles.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm such a bad host. Clearing Hurdles, the Quest to be the World's Greatest Athlete. You can get it on Amazon and Dan's website, by the way. Danobrien.com Twitter an O'. Brien. Sorry, it's all in the book. So your parents now you grew up where?

[Dan O'Brien]

In Southern Oregon? Klamath Falls.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And now you have all these different nationalities under the same roof, which is probably for you became normal pretty quickly. But for all the other kids at school were confused when you introduce this person as your sister or your brother or whatever it was, right? Oh yeah.

[Dan O'Brien]

Not only that, I had a couple of. Of brothers and sisters that were my mom's original kids that were quite a bit older. So when they had kids and they were the same age as we were, I was Uncle Dan to a kid that was a year older than me.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Dave Damaschek]

So how many kids in all were Eight total?

[Dan O'Brien]

Eight total. Six were adopted? Yeah, eight total six were adopted. So it was interesting. Interesting, but. And I was the only kid at my high school that resembled anybody of color.

[Adam Carolla]

And how many other gold medalists in the family or just a lot of silver and bronze.

[Dan O'Brien]

Just a lot of silver in front. I actually was the only athlete in the family.

[Adam Carolla]

So like on Thanksgiving it's always like, eh, Mitsuk, take a. Oh, Dan, right here, right this way. Here, sit at the head of the table. Sit at the champion's chair. Is there a lot of that you get the special treatment only later.

[Dan O'Brien]

When I was growing up, it was really interesting. When I was growing up, I was just another mouth to feed. I was really on my own. You know, I went to practice, was interested in sports. Everybody did something. 4H band. My sister had a quarter horse. You know, she bought and raised it herself and she.

[Dave Damaschek]

The 4H one. Or did you have 4H and quarter horse?

[Dan O'Brien]

We had 4H and quarter horse. We lived on a 12 acre farm in Klamath Falls, Oregon. Yeah. And so we all did it something different. But I knew at a young age that when I watched Monday Night Football, that was where I wanted to be.

[Adam Carolla]

You wanted to play football?

[Dan O'Brien]

I wanted to be television and be a professional athlete, whether it's basketball or baseball. I remember the 76 series between the Yankees and the Dodgers. I could name that entire lineup for the Dodgers from start to finish, you know? Sure, Ron. Say Dusty Baker, Davey Lopes. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Russell Jaeger behind the plate.

[Dan O'Brien]

And I dream. I dreamed about a Dodger dog until you told me they sucked.

[Adam Carolla]

You and your wife don't need to have a Dodger dog.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not if you're gonna be having a baby, which Adam's pretty sure you are going to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, listen, again, it's act of God, you know what I mean? I mean, it's just one of these things that needs to happen. The genes are there. There's the world's greatest athlete. Like I said, Dawson, you're fine. Second world's greatest athlete.

[Dave Damaschek]

Just saying, we'll do greatest athlete of the second world.

[Adam Carolla]

There's not gonna be a void. No one's ever gonna be walking around in 10 years going, Where's Dawson's kid? But Dan O'? Brien. That's. That's. We got again. Well, I was saying. I was just on. Who was it we were talking about Lolo. We're talking about Damask. Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yep.

[Dan O'Brien]

Lolo Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Off the air. I mean, again. I'll have to talk to your wife and broker this deal, but that's a woman. She's got some hops, she's got some speed. She's, you know, she's proven on the track.

[Allison Rosen]

Be an interesting conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are both beautiful. You got that great mocha skin tone.

[Dan O'Brien]

You know, I know Lolo. She's a sweetheart as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you imagine what that kid would be like? Imagine how that kid would clear a hurdle.

[Dave Damaschek]

Your wife just love Adam right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll broker, I'll do the talk. And look, we go to Disneyland, we'll be there for just a few short hours.

[Dave Damaschek]

What ride is this gonna happen on this conversation?

[Adam Carolla]

I hope it's not the small world, Dan.

[Dan O'Brien]

Oh, that. I'll pay for that. We didn't hit that one yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dan O'Brien]

Yeah, I fought against it and she even let me know at the end of the day. We didn't go on It's a small world.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like 80 buc to go into Disneyland now. Was it like 7? Well, I'm sure you get to freebie celebrity Olympics.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, right.

[Dan O'Brien]

My wife. Last time we were here, we brought my niece in February. We bought annual passes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Smart.

[Dan O'Brien]

So it's definitely worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, do you have anything going on the adoption? Have you gotten hold of your biological parents? Good. Screw them.

[Dan O'Brien]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't eat. Don't eat them. That whole thing, that whole thing where it's like, I want to meet my biological mom or dad. First off, be prepared to be disappointed. It's not like, well, I'm hard at work in the lab trying to cure AIDS and cancer. Oh, who's this at my door? No, it's just going to be some guy with some crappy job, some chick who's, you know, there's oftentimes some abuse, some drugs, some. Whatever involved. There's a reason and why I don't understand. I find it sort of disrespectful to the people who did spend the time and the money to raise me to go. I'm on a quest to go find this biological parent.

[Dave Damaschek]

I would feel compelled to find them. Does it feel like I'm a very curious. I'm just. I'm like, too curious.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels narcissistic to me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yeah. And that too. I mean. But you have not tried to find them?

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, I did try and I. There was even. There was even talk of. A few years ago, there was a talk about a reality show where they were going to put celebrities or stars with normal people and they were going to search together. And they. They did a professional search for my biological parents. And before that, I had just put my name into the Oregon. You know, the Oregon board, where you could. You could put your name in, your parents could put their name and they could connect you. But I thought, you know, it'd be interesting to find them. But as I was growing up, I thought, you know, I am a wanted kid.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm an o'.

[Dan O'Brien]

Brien. And it felt like I was making history. And that was the one thing that was different than other people. Would I love to see what my mother looked like? Would I Love to look at somebody who, you know, had my same features and everything. I think so. But I also heard a lot of horror stories about people that did find their biological parents and were horribly disappointed. So I'm happy with where I'm at, and especially when I was competing, I didn't want to put that into kind of my whole little situation. And I didn't want another mouth defeat as well. Like you say, do you think your

[Adam Carolla]

parents ever got the. Like, when you're winning the gold and it's all about that, and someone goes, that's my son. And then they go, really? Oh, adopted son. And they go, oh, like, is there an element of not your genes? Do you know what I mean? And I don't know if you can answer this question. I'm just wondering, as a parent, there's that sort of pride of those, like, let's say your dad, especially when you're an athlete, like, those are my genes kicking ass on that track versus, you know, that those are my adopted genes.

[Dan O'Brien]

If. If there was that, my dad surely would have shot it down. He was so proud of me. He. He was the kind of guy that, you know, on the movie Friday Night Lights, I had to ask him not to come to football practice.

[Adam Carolla]

He really practice.

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, he wanted to show up and sit in the stands with the other fathers and shoot the shit, you know, especially when I was a starter. But he didn't miss a game. And so, I mean, he's the kind of guy, it doesn't matter. You know, he and I were good buddies in high school, and we were best friends when I was growing up. Genes or not, or blood or not, he was my father. And he would tell everybody that. And I think everybody in town knew.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that story. All right, Allison Rosen. And again, all chronicled in the book Clearing the Quest to be the World's Greatest Athlete. Get it at Amazon. And you know what to do. You click through AdamCarolla.com and you get Dan's book, and pow. Win. And that's what Dan is used to doing anyway. So let's keep the streak going. Little news. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. Dan, you jump in. You know how it works. You read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison, Allison.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that by the time everyone hears this Adam will be another year older.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Happy birthday. Belated.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it bad? Tell me if this is bad. I know. We're all wired this way. I gave some thought. Every year I give some thought to my birthday and I hope it falls on a day that is not a work day so people don't come up to me and say, happy Birthday. Also, once you become the boss, they feel compelled to get you a cake or some bullshit like that. It makes me uncomfortable. It's not because I'm an ass wipe. It's that my parents ruined me. And I'm uncomfortable with that kind of attention, I think. And I never hold it against anyone. Like, I always sort of pray it's on a Saturday or Sunday and everyone forgets about it. But you always get some producer, like producer Angie, when I used to do the radio, who believed it was part of her job to remember it was my birthday. And even if my birthday was on a Sunday, we'd have to do a big thing on a Friday.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Feels weird to me.

[Dave Damaschek]

It makes me feel better. I didn't remember, but Mike lynch did.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it again. We don't need another kid, Mike. We're good with the one. We're good with the one.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay, so the Lockerbie bomber died. Died on Sunday at the age of 60.

[Adam Carolla]

That was my birthday present. Good.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, it happened a week early then. He died of cancer and he had been released from jail in 2009. August 20th of 2009.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was coming up on three years.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. And at the time he was released, they were saying he was released for humanitarian reasons because they said he was close to death. They expected he would live about three more months, but, you know, he went on to live quite a bit longer than that.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, by the way, I think we're trying to talk about the kid who basically made him put himself on his own soccer team. We're trying to figure that out. A few days back, people tweeted me about that. Right. So. And that's where this guy returned to.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a lateral move from Saddam's kids.

[Dave Damaschek]

And they gave, like a hero's welcome when he was released,

[Adam Carolla]

by the way. Does anybody see that and realize, you know, this is one more reason why Libya just needs to be carpet bombed? Like this guy. This guy gets off the plane. It was. It was really like the scene in. I guess it was Naked Gun where Weird Al is being.

[Dave Damaschek]

I didn't see that documentary.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you people know how a man can hurt inside?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Weird Al gets off and it turns out they're waiting for Weird. I mean, it's like Dan, like when you return after winning Olympic gold and stepped off back into, you know, you're back into Oregon. This guy got a hero's welcome for take. For how many people did he kill? 200?

[Dave Damaschek]

270.

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, do you suppose he was getting congratulated because of that or because he tricked the man and got out early?

[Adam Carolla]

They are a fucked up culture that rewards this kind of behavior. And it's very them against us and us against them. And Gaddafi is just a fucking animal. And it's good he's dead, right? Thank Christ. And this guy, I mean, I always say this. How fucking outraged would you be if your son or daughter was on that plane over Lockerbie and he didn't, you know, you talk about these things like you hear about like, oh, Manson. Oh, hey, the Manson family. Hey, hey, hey, Charles Manson. Charles Manson is, you know, indirectly and semi directly responsible for the lives of about seven people. Maybe seven or eight people. Okay? Charles Manson didn't stab anybody. Charles Manson hung out on a ranch and played acoustic guitar while his flunkies went up and did the stabbing. But Charles Manson is considered one of the worst people on the planet because he has a body count of seven or eight and he didn't actually squeeze any triggers or stab anybody in the gut. This guy has a body count of 2 70, 270 people. So if you took Columbine and you took the Green River Killer and you took, you took who's Virginia Tech and you took John Wayne Gacy, Charles Whitman, you took everybody. The guy was on the Tower and Texas University shooting, you took all those people and you fucking combined them. Even if you combine them with the Oklahoma City guy, you'd still be very hard pressed to get to 270. Look, a body's a body. If you break into somebody's house and stab them or you blow them up, it's a father, it's a son, it's a child, it's a grandparent, it's a human being and it's gone because of you. This guy gets to spend his last almost three years living, I'm guessing in somewhat, in as much as state run luxury was possible for him. It's insane that we let this guy got out.

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, it looks like he won the Stanley Cup. It's a white out.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Of course.

[Dan O'Brien]

Heroes welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you something. All fucked up cultures out there that don't want us to completely disrespect you and write you off as fucking backwards and at least listen. Even the guy who's furthest to the left and even the guy who, you know, doesn't believe in, you know, bombing or Predator drones, he still thinks you're fucked up piece of shit. He just doesn't admit it. He's not into the wars. He's not into killing you. I'd like you dead. He's not into this. But even the folks on the left, at worst, just look at you as just a semi retarded student with a wind up beanie. You guys make asses of yourselves when you go out and do this. It's 20 fucking 12. Or at least when it got out it was 2009. We're in a modern era, people. Stop acting like fucking animals and join the rest of humanity. Thank you.

[Dave Damaschek]

So Los Angeles is no longer the worst place for traffic in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I still say it is.

[Dave Damaschek]

We've lost that distinction. No to Honolulu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but here's the thing, here's the thing about that. First off, it's an island. Island shouldn't count, you know what I mean? They're limited by their very structure.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

They're an island. What are you gonna do? You're gonna drive into the ocean? So first off, island should be removed. Maybe not Manhattan. I'll do some math. I'll get back to you on Manhattan, first off. And possibly Rhode Island. I don't even know it's an island.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, right, Staten Island.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay, Rhode Island's not an island, is it? I gotta look at a map. The point is this, where they get island in there. Okay. And then there's the burger chain. There's the burger chain and I'll get into all that later. But the point is this. We are a sprawling metropolis and we're not bound by the sea, at least on all sides. Yeah, Rhode Island. Come on, man. Yeah, you're really about as. You're about as much island as Texas. Island rectangle. That's right. Okay. Also, when you're in traffic in Honolulu, you just roll the window down and you just get that nice ocean breeze coming in here, Louisiana. You're just staring at just dead plants and graffiti and shopping carts that are on fire and sofas that have been abandoned and, you know, gardeners trucks with pallets piled high and barbed wire around. So, you know, look, you're only going three miles an hour when you're in a parade. But it's cool, right? Dan, you've been in a parade. Were you Pissed off that you're going so slow. Not at all.

[Dan O'Brien]

You're glad to be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get this fucking, let's get this parade moving now.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'd be like, the parade. He's like, ugh.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Honolulu traffic is like parade traffic.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're crawling along, but you're looking at the ocean.

[Dave Damaschek]

Where the hell are you going that you need to get there so fast? Anyway, you're in Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're staring up at Diamond Head.

[Dan O'Brien]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But when you're here in Los Angeles, you're stuck in traffic. You're just looking at a shitty side of an apartment building with like a sheet hanging out of it.

[Dave Damaschek]

And there's not that much of a difference really because Honolulu's drivers sat in traffic for an average of 58 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

And LA drivers sat for an average of 56 hours for the year. Now I feel like I have been in traffic for a lot longer than 56 hours in a year.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really one of the things we talked about. It's a scourge. It's so anti productive. It wastes so much fuel. Everything about it is bad. From the environment to the fuel to your time to the economy to everything else. And the fact that no one can wrap their head around it and figure out a way to speed it up. The fact that the corridor from the 405, I think from the 405 and the 101 over to like the 405 and the 10 has been like the slowest corridor for the last 30 years. And nobody in this city has figured out a way to wrap their mind around a very mechanical problem. I understand AIDS hits and it's like, oh, we got a bunch of guys dying. And then it's like, geez, what is this? And we've never seen this before. And it's some mutual virus. And then somebody's gotta fuckin figure it out. Like we gotta dump millions of dollars and Liz Taylor's gotta bawl our eyes out. We gotta get a bunch of grants and a bunch of super smart guys gotta go into a lab and we bust our butt. And then, you know, 10, 15 years later somebody goes, look, we got AZT. I think this is gonna work. And then we cure it. But I understand that's unknown. That's being, you know, that's one of those mars attacks kind of things. We've never seen this before. It's road aids. It's road aids? Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why are they not addressing it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it's not road aids, it's a road war. Like it can be burnt off. Like it's tangible.

[Dave Damaschek]

Giant compound W. Yes, it's right there.

[Adam Carolla]

You can see it. It's easily figured out. There's not that much to it. There's not a mystery. It's like we have a whole bunch of cars. We need more space or we need to get the ones that are there currently moving faster. So let's do it. Yet nothing.

[Dan O'Brien]

We sit around and blame the people who came before us and say, oh, they just didn't plan this city well enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, well, let's do something. And are we really motivated again? What's in it for anybody? Yes. Nobody does anything about it. And I would argue that we're not motivated to do anything because if we are, you know, as I've said, when it comes to parking enforcement, we're motivated. When it comes to military matters, we're motivated. You know, like, hey, Japan, bombs, Pearl harbor harbor. All right, motivated. By the way, this is 1940s technology. We're able to take a whole shitload. I mean, just think about this. Somebody builds a tank in Louisiana and we're going to take that 40 ton behemoth and we're going to put it on a boat and we're going to ship it over to like the Solomon Islands. And this is like in the 40s, we're going to take airplanes, we're going to whip up this technology, we're going to crank this thing up and we're going to take this stuff thousands of miles over thousands of miles of sea, drop it off and then kick some Japanese and German ass and then come back. That's in the 40s. That's before computers or anything really. We can't figure this out because they're

[Dave Damaschek]

not losing money because of it.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not last.

[Dan O'Brien]

LA isn't last. And until we're last, we're not going to solve the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

We got to be number last. That's right.

[Dave Damaschek]

So, Sports story. Sports story Scandal. Melissa Bowerman, a 41 year old volunteer track coach at Condon High School in Pendleton, Oregon. Oregon has lost her job after she accompanied a male student from the team to the high school prom. And Bowerman is the daughter in law of Nike co founder Bill Bowerman. She admits she made an error in judgment but said she never had an inappropriate relationship with the boy. She said she agreed to go. There she is.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. What? Going to the prom. Isn't that one of those things where if you can Twitter that you want Cameron Diaz to go with you to the prom. And then it makes a great PR story and all that kind of stuff. This isn't the prom. Sort of innocuous when it comes to accompanying, right.

[Dave Damaschek]

One would think it does not imply chaperoned by parents. But she's a teacher. Well, she volunteer. But you. Yes. You know, now she says she agreed to go only because she felt bad for the boy. Cause he didn't have a date and he was doing poorly in English.

[Adam Carolla]

And she said, I bet the unattractive middle aged woman's really gonna help his stock come Monday.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hey, I know. It's a real camp buy me love situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got Ms. Doubtfire going with me to the prom. How about that, fellas? Up top. Up top. Nobody.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, well, I have Madea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

She says that if they go on academic probation and suspension, then they can't go to the track meet. She, she explained. So she said I'll go with you, but we have to talk about English first. You have to do better in English. This sounds like doesn't hold much water for me. She said she got permission from the boy's father to accommodate. Sorry. To accompany him to the dance. And he said the first thing I thought is well, maybe this isn't a good idea. But Melissa, that's the woman who went.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the Nike What?

[Dave Damaschek]

She's her father. She's the daughter in law of Nike's co founder Bill Bowerman.

[Adam Carolla]

Please take my son, take my daughter. I'll gas up the Buick.

[Dave Damaschek]

So the boy's father said, but Melissa has been like a surrogate mom to these kids for years now. She's 41 and she's married to a 73 year old John Bowerman.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of rain.

[Dave Damaschek]

Who's the husband and co coach at the school. And he has said if his wife is not allowed to return, he might not either. So they may be out a pair of Bowermans. One old, one younger.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've always said this when it comes to like this stuff where the teacher has the inappropriate relationship with the younger male student. If the guy can beat off to it, no crime. There's no crime.

[Caller Beth]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

And this boy was 17.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So whether he had sex with her or did anything with her, I don't know. But the point is all these cases, whatever it is, even if it was just armed robbery, if you beat off to it, no crime in my court. That's how I would work.

[Dan O'Brien]

This is a great example. Sorry, Brian. This is a great example of a coach going the Extra mile to get results.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that's what she's saying. So wait, armed robbery and beating off. No crime.

[Adam Carolla]

If you.

[Dave Damaschek]

I just want to wrap my head around this.

[Adam Carolla]

If I held you up at an atm, okay. And took all your money and later you diddled yourself to the event, I would say no crime.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right. It was more like a favor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They cost me a lot of money. That would probably not happen.

[Dave Damaschek]

I doubt it would.

[Adam Carolla]

But I am telling you, when you. Especially when you see these hot blonde teachers in Florida having sex with their 16 year old students, first off, all guys do. All 16 year old males do is beat off. Number one, this is a fact. Number two, you have two modes. When you're 16 and you're banging a hot blonde, who's your teacher. There's you banging your hot blonde teacher and then you beating off to banging your hot blonde teacher. Those are the two things you do as a 16 year old in Florida

[Dave Damaschek]

when you're having sex, is the tendency ever a problem?

[Adam Carolla]

No. There's a little refractory period in between actually having sex with the hot blonde teacher and then beating off to the hot blonde teacher, but that's it. And if I was ever defending the teacher in court, that'd be the first thing I'd do. I just pull the kid right up. Did you beat off doer? Maybe. How many times? Remember you're sworn your hands on a Bible. 2000. All right, I rest. I rest my case.

[Allison Rosen]

Keep the Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Dan, what do you think about this she?

[Adam Carolla]

What's he know about?

[Dan O'Brien]

She doesn't look believable, tell you the truth. Wow. She looks suspicious to me. And it does nothing but rain and is overcast in Pendleton, Oregon. So they were indoors. They were indoors a lot for those

[Adam Carolla]

practices and the 73 year old husband.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, right. So she has impetus to be looking for something a little more spry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. And he is too.

[Dave Damaschek]

So in Wisconsin, a man was cut off at an all you can eat restaurant because they said he ate too much fish. He was ready to move on to his 13th piece of fish when Chuck's Place in Thiensville, Wisconsin cut him off, claiming they were running out of food for the other patron. Other patrons. He said he would not pay his bill until he was satisfied. He said it was false advertising and they offered to give him eight additional pieces of fish if he paid for

[Adam Carolla]

his food out of a bucket. Or picture him with like herring, like throwing it at him like a killer whale at feeding Time. That's right.

[Dan O'Brien]

The old Homer Simpson. They pulled a homer on him.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you think they'd like throw water on him to keep him wet too?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they have to when they transport him.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, exactly. He wasn't content though with anything less than all you can eat. So he called the police and then he returned to the scene to protest his mistreatment. And he said that I think that people have to stand up for consumers. But then the restaurant called the police and he was given a warning for disorderly conduct. And he has vowed to picket the restaurant every Sunday until the restaurant rethinks what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Happened till they do some soul searching for morbidly obese guys to come in there and try to clean them out of flounder. I'm sure they're really going to lose a lot of sleep over that.

[Dan O'Brien]

They'll rethink. You're all you can eat.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, right. That would be an asterisk.

[Adam Carolla]

I would just make it all I can eat. And I would be the owner, who would be the 180 pound guy who was sensible and go, that's all I can eat. It's not all you can eat.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never had more than five pieces of fish.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because if a fucking Paul Bunyan with a blowhole comes into this restaurant, I can't accommodate that, you know? And also who are the people who. You know these people that are like, listen, I am suing the movie Cabin in the woods because I shit on myself. It was scary and I shit upon myself. And I'm now suing the producers. Like, there's no part of you that's like, don't you kind of want to be quiet about that part? Like that part where.

[Dave Damaschek]

And it wasn't just any self shitting, it was a super sloppy and I've ruined my pain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And later on that night when I was crying and masturbating and rubbing my areola with my index finger, which I moistened with my tears, I thought about that moment. Yes. Now there's a lawsuit. Like these people are like, this guy is 300 pounds overweight. He was fed 10 pounds of fish, but that was not enough for him. And now he, now he's picketing the place, but he's really just doing an advertisement about what out of control ass he is. And we're talking about this place we never would have spoke of before. Right.

[Dave Damaschek]

I already have reservations.

[Adam Carolla]

We're bringing a lot of attention to the place. And I gotta believe there should be a ceiling. The all you can eat Place should have the ceiling. Like the elevator has the maximum capacity. You know what I mean?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. What's interesting, someone was telling me recently there are these all you can eat sushi places, which sounds like a bad idea, but I guess they're not. But there's. She was telling me about this restaurant, though, where the rule is you can't pick the fish off the rice. Like, you have to eat the rice too. You can't make it into sashimi. But that struck me as sort of unfair. How can they force you to eat a certain part of it? Although I understand it's a cost saving measure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I would say that would make sense for. I wouldn't enact that until you got to your tenth piece of sushi.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, then it kicks in.

[Adam Carolla]

Then it should kick in. It should be a sunsetter. Like it should come in or go away. But either way, if you sat there and started picking it off from the get go, then you have a plan. Like this is you're going to consume as. There's a lot of people that are neurotically cheap and their whole deal is this thing costs $16 and I must eat $17 worth of food. Do you know I drink that way in first class? You know what I mean?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, Dan has an annual pass at Disneyland. I'm sure you've broken it down how many times you have to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have that?

[Dan O'Brien]

We've exceeded it. It was worth it. The annual pass was worth it. It would have cost us. It would have cost us more money to pay separately. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing, I'll give you an example. My buddy, Daniel Kellison. Motherfucker, that guy was living in my spare house again. You know, first world, white guy problems. He's living in my spare house many years ago when we were doing the man show and he gets the MLB season package. I don't like baseball. I don't count it as a real sport. It's fun to play, but I don't count it as a real sport. There's Daniel, and he gets the MLB package. It's like 370, 25 bucks or something. It's not cheap. And he gets it and he just puts it on my tab. He puts it on my cable tab. And it's like, all right, everyone's got a bunch of money. Who gives a shit? Well, then he moves out of the house four or five months later and gets his own place and blah, blah, blah. Well, the next year, because they conveniently do this. If you get the MLB package, they just roll it over and they'll just sign you up for another season. You have to cancel that shit now. Of course, I don't even know I have it because it's my second house and the bill goes to the guy, and I don't see it. So about four games in to the second year of nobody living in the house. There's nobody there. And if there was, I wouldn't have it anyway because it's fucking. I hate baseball. But secondly, no one's in the house. So I say, well, look, how much is it? It's like, you know, it's 300 bucks or whatever it is. I go, I'm never going to watch a game. I'm not in the house. Cancel it. So I go, no, no. You bought the whole season. You are two games into the new season, but you pay for the entire season, and there's no going back. By the way, whenever someone gets to make the rules, they conveniently make it

[Dave Damaschek]

so that you air in their favor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a lot of, like, hey, listen, you kick off to start the first half, and then we'll pick off which direction we want you to kick off. And then you kick off to start the second half, okay? Because that's how it would be if everyone just. If everyone's just left on their own. That's how life would work. There needs to be.

[Dave Damaschek]

Cut it in half, and I'll choose which half.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. All right. So all you can eat me and. Me and Jimmy used to go to Todai. Remember that place?

[Dan O'Brien]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's all you can eat. Sushi and everything.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do they have a rule?

[Allison Rosen]

Is it the one like the conveyor belt?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not the conveyor belt one, but it is. It is just the mammoth. It's just the mammoth size one. And I just happen to dig the teriyaki and the rice and all that kind of stuff. But Jimmy's dad had. He's from Vegas, you know, so he had a whole buffet strategy. This whole buffet strategy. Like, he had a schematic he would lay out flashlight in his mouth.

[Dave Damaschek]

He took odds on the mustard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. No, he would, like, literally, Jimmy used to tell me that his dad would say, like, don't eat the salad, don't eat the lettuce. That's what they want you to. He'd say, that's a Lawson. He'd constantly say, that's what they want you to eat. That's what they don't. Stay away from the salad. Stay away from the rice. That's the packing peanuts.

[Dave Damaschek]

Don't eat the perimeter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. That's what they want you to eat. That's why they lay it out that way. That's what they want you to eat. And I just thought it's this weird thing when it's us against them at the buffet. We're literally going to make them. We're going to make them sorry. They open this fucking buffet, they'll rue the day they put the shrimp out in such abundance.

[Dave Damaschek]

They haven't met such shrewd customers just yet.

[Adam Carolla]

When I was poor and I went to Vegas with my girlfriend a million years ago, I approached that Caesar's buffet like, as out of work construction worker with like $14. And I just fucking attacked that thing. And when I didn't have room for that third piece of key lime pie, I. I just shoved it in my mouth. I was like, Kobayashi. I was dipping the pie in water, eating it with my hands and stuff.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're like cumin foie gras.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And at a certain point, we were walking out of the place and I had to just pull up one of those stools in front of the slot machine and literally like, undo my pants and just go like. I can't walk anymore. I have to stop. I have to just stop and bring this.

[Dave Damaschek]

What an enjoyable experience.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to suck up some secondhand smoke and regain my composure. Offset by the oxygen tanks by the way that are freely flowing.

[Dan O'Brien]

Sounds like you get your money's worth though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That was my whole point. I don't care if I'm sick and I can't walk. God damn it. I ate $2 more than I put in. All right. Father's Day, right around the corner. Dads and grads. Yeah. We're going to talk about being a dad, Dan.

[Dan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I've asked my nanny. She says there's no better feeling than being a parent. Not with her kids.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Adam Carolla]

She told me that all the time. She. I took my kid to the. I got the pass to the LA Zoo. I make sure I'm banging the crap out of that.

[Dan O'Brien]

I heard that episode.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I hit the zoo with my boy the other day and was great. One on one time. How about the cast iron Made in America steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. How about man grate? Oh, Dan, you need yourself.

[Dan O'Brien]

I got. That was a Christmas present from my wife. She knows I love the man. Great. She got it for me. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The Greatest athlete on the planet now. The greatest barbecuer on the planet. 20 bucks is all it is. Look, I'm not saying your wife's cheap, but 20 bucks, that's not a lot to spend on a man who's got Olympic gold. Just click on the man great [e-mail] plus every order comes with a special edition Adam Carolla branded grilling brush. You got that? Dan got the branded grilling brush.

[Dan O'Brien]

They said they were gonna send it later.

[Adam Carolla]

I could set you up with one back here.

[Dan O'Brien]

And I think it came and I think my neighbor stole it off my front porch or something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a hot item alright.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a fan too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, they go, they'll take that. They'll take the sprinkler key. They'll take the lawn jockey. By the way, not that you would have one, but what color would you paint it? The lawn jockey? Trick question. It's in between. You'd have to.

[Dan O'Brien]

I'd paint it Los Angeles brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thank you. Oh, that's a good point. Good point. Mm. And how about. How about this? You have life insurance? You have life insurance, Dan?

[Dan O'Brien]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, you know, that Matterhorn goes off the rails, your wife a couple cars behind you. Smart. You know, you don't sit in the same car, you know.

[Dan O'Brien]

Well, luckily it was closed for refurbishing this time around. God, I just missed it.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they just do that.

[Dave Damaschek]

I do too.

[Adam Carolla]

I think at some point the guy who manages the Matterhorn just goes, fuck it. I'm just getting out of these.

[Dave Damaschek]

Later, hose.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm starting to chafe. Yeah, somebody go get some of that yellow tape. And by the way, you never get questioned. They were like, what's up, hydraulics? What's going on?

[Dave Damaschek]

Now the next time I ride this, the Abominable Snowman's eyes are going to glow brighter than before, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

It never looks better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I need to see some in voice. I want to see some sparks and hear some grinding coming from up there.

[Dave Damaschek]

Some refurbished paint.

[Dan O'Brien]

I missed that. I missed the yodeling this time around.

[Adam Carolla]

Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, yeah, yeah, It's a good one. Yeah, yeah. It's one of my favorites. Yo ho ho.

[Dan O'Brien]

It's a pirate's life for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love that. I like that one because it's cool and it smells just. It's got a little, little funk in there. Like it's got a little mildew. A little shot of mildew or the

[Dave Damaschek]

who knows what you're smelling.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. How about some life insurance? Encore Insurance Services, LLC. For free life insurance quote, you call today 866-347-5748 or you can visit their website at smartterm.com what they'll do is they have a bunch of they'll compare premiums of their highly rated insurers and they represent these guys, and then they'll give you the best. So they'll figure out what works best for you, and then they'll lay it on you. 866-347-5748. Licensing and Disclaimer information can be found at their [e-mail] that is smartterm.com. all right, Dan O'. Brien. Clearing hurdles, everybody. Name of the book, the quest to be the world's greatest athlete. Well, I guess we all know how that ends.

[Dan O'Brien]

And people can find me this summer on Yahoo. I'll be working for Yahoo. So, sports at the London Olympics.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, Cushiest part about having the gold is going all over every four years and calling it like you see it. Exciting. Dan O'. Brien. By the way, the website Dan O'Brien.com and you can Twitter him at Dan O'. Brien. The hell else am I missing? Irvine Improv Next Thursday, Will durst in and Caroline's New York City, June 14th through the 16th. Five shows, man. We're packing up the whole crew, and we're moving to New York City to unleash the book on y'. All. So until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Dan o', Brien, Allison Rosen, and Ball Brian saying mahalo.

[Brian Bishop]

Dave's an unfunny hack.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right, that was Adam Kohler show 832. Coming up next, we have Adam Kohlischow 850 featuring LeVar Burton, finally settling the debate about why he called the man show Office after a joke was inserted into a script that Lavar possibly wasn't too happy with. Dr. Bruce is in studio along with Allison Rose and Brian bishop, also from 2012. Check it out.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

And welcome to the show. Good day, Allison, Rosa hello, Adam, CAROLLA Good day. Volbrian. I don't eat pussy. Yeah. Let it be known. Ring. Where's the, where's the guy who rings the bell? All right, lots of stuff to talk about. First off, slightly embarrassing moment. Yes. Dr. Drew and his wife came over for dinner and we were sitting around and we did a show on Saturday night over at the Lovett's Theater. We will play that for you July 4th, all of us live on stage

[Dave Damaschek]

with Dr. Drew in honor of America.

[Adam Carolla]

In honor of America. Great crowd, great fun. Drew was on his game. And before that, we said, I said, drew, get your wife, come on over. I'll get some Thai food, come to the house and we'll eat dinner out on the veranda there. It'll be lovely. So he brought a bottle of wine. There was four of us, so we made pretty short work of it. And then Lynette came out from the kitchen with a bottle of sort of, you know, $7 generic stuff. And she said in front of Drew, hey, where's that good stuff. Where's the box of good stuff that Jimmy got you for your birthday? And I said, it's in there somewhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Long gone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in there somewhere. He got you, like, a whole case of really good wine. And that was just, like, a couple of weeks ago. And I said, it's probably in the cupboard in there. And she said, no, no, I looked all over. It's gone. It's not in the cupboard. And I'm like, drew. And I said, well, you know, sometimes I'll put some of it down in the basement, down in the wine. There's, like, a little cellar area down there. There.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I call my gullet. I said, some of it may have found its way. No, no. I went down there and looked with Olga the other day. There's nothing in there. So where did it all go? And I'm like, bitch, really? We gotta fucking go through this in front of Drew, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm pretty sure you're just bragging about how you had an extra half case.

[Adam Carolla]

Just last night, I was practicing opening a bottle with a sword. And let's just say it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes it cracks halfway down the bottle. Other times, shards of glass get in there. I must have went through four or five bottles just right down the sink before I finally realized it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Just to make sure it pours.

[Adam Carolla]

This should be left for the Spaniards. This is something I could not master. I was like, I may have drank that. Because when you see the wine in bulk, like, Jimmy for my birthday a few weeks ago, just gave me one online. Picked out, because he's very thoughtful. Picked out a bunch of good wine. He didn't buy me a case of something. He bought me a bunch of individual bottles, and then I lugged the case out to the car. And then I made fairly short work of this case of wine. It's pretty easy. All you have to do is drink about seven, eight of a bottle a night, and in two weeks, case closed.

[Allison Rosen]

Good stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Lynette was like, it's not there either. I'm like, yeah, okay. What do you want me to do? Go in and go. Let me go look, and then run out the back door real fast and haul ass down to the liquor store and come running back up with the two bottles that were on Jimmy's list. Fucking drank them. Do I have to make a big deal in front of Drew? He judges, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, see, I thought. Okay, I thought that you were saving wine. You didn't want to waste Good stuff. No, I was laughing because I have a needlessly elaborate back.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's up, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I have a needlessly elaborate system where I try to explain to Christy, these wines are not for drinking with everyone. These are for saving for special. And she. After about five minutes of explaining my whole system of where the wines are stored, she's like, you're in charge. You just pull out what you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I went through that case of wine and we were left with the cheap stuff.

[Dave Damaschek]

So did Drew say anything? Did he raise an eyebrow?

[Adam Carolla]

He was judging. You can tell. I know when Jew. I can see by his earlobes when he's judging. So that was fun. But we had a nice time, ate some Thai food and drank some wine and then went up and did the show. Couple of other thoughts I was saying to everybody was a weird thing I was trying to kind of figure out.

[Dan O'Brien]

Out.

[Adam Carolla]

As you guys know, I did my pilot for Fox this year which did not get on the air. And then I found out and they took it off. It was on. Yeah, Burch. It was on YouTube for a little while, like 14 hours or something, but then they pulled it off because God forbid somebody gets some eyeballs on it, want to purchase it. Canceled by YouTube.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that's why they take. They own it. Is that. I understand why.

[Adam Carolla]

They just basically, you're not allowed to do stuff they don't let you do. And if you do stuff they don't let you do, then they pull it down and everything's run by retarded lawyers. And it doesn't make sense because they own it and someone else could buy it and then they could sell it to them and then they could recoup their money or make profits in the future. But they don't think that way. So I said to somebody, when my show didn't get picked up, I said, well, what show did get picked up? And they said, no, animated shows got picked up out of the new batch. And then I see. And the Flintstones, which they were going to blow the dust off of and thank fucking Christ they didn't. Seth MacFarlane was gonna do the new Flintstones. And I love shitty Hanna Barbera projects like turds and dust them off. 40 year old turds and, you know, blow the dust off them and then put someone like. And by the way, if the Flintstones would have been good, it would have been because Seth MacFarlane made it good. And if it wasn't good, it wasn't good. But it wouldn't be because it was the Flintstones. That's just name recognition. But like I said, there's other things whose names you recognize. You know, Pol Pot and the Holocaust and AIDS and all sorts of stuff. It's my whole Land of the Lost argument. You can take every human being on the planet and you can put them in one group or another. There's the group who I wish I was a part of, who has not heard of Land of the Lost. Oh, the fucking group. They must sleep like babies at night. There's a group of people on the

[Allison Rosen]

planet that was me before the movie came out good.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a group of people have not heard of Land of the Lost. Therefore, no attraction, no built in audience for Land of the Lost, the Will Ferrell movie, because no one, they haven't heard it. Then there's the other half of unfortunate individuals who've been cursed by this pile of creative shit and thus know what it is and never want to go near it again. So you're. Who are you attracting to this new movie? When you have a group of people that either haven't heard of it, so thus that's a zero, or you have people that have seen it and hate it, that's a minus five. So what are we doing here, people? Again, it's, you know, it's that sort of. From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. At a certain point, maybe not so much. Right. So the Flintstones are gonna bring back another piece of shit from Hanna Barbera that people sort of pass off. They wax nostalgic about it like they do the Brady Bunch. But these are really just creative. V. The Flintstones is better than Land

[Allison Rosen]

of the Lost because I assume because it stood the test of time. Like there's still reruns or there was when I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, everything.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm guessing, I didn't really watch it,

[Adam Carolla]

but an Aborted Lamb is better than Land of the Lost, you know, just aesthetically. So that's better. With an M80 up its ass, it's better than Land of the Lost, the worst show ever made. There is a value to getting super stoned and watching it and not being able to believe how bad television was in the 70s. There's an ironic part, but anyway, so they were going to bring back the Flintstones and then Seth told me it was too big a hassle and they weren't going to do it. And then Seth told me he was doing a movie with Mark Wahlberg and he was directing and co writing and co starring and blah blah, blah, and I started to do the math, which is Cleveland Show's not doing that well. American Dad's not doing that well. Simpsons is sort of co star Family Guy probably coasting a little. I mean ratings wise, these shows aren't on the upswing. Napoleon Dynamite was an artistic disaster and Alan Gregory was another one of those hey, watch us all jack off while no one gives a shit around the country kind of piece of shit animated shows, they both did like two, three, four episodes and got pulled off the air. Fox isn't doing well in the end. The animation domination thing, not doing well. Bob's Burger Burgers nobody gives a shit about. And thus I said If Ted, Seth MacFarlane's new movie, I said to everybody, you better hope that movie doesn't do well because that movie does well. I think Seth's gone. I think he's gonna make big budget movies. And here's how the movie business works. If you make a movie and it does well, they let you make more movies. If it does horribly, they don't let you make more movies. And that's usually bad it. Especially when you're doing your directorial debut and starring and all that kind of stuff. You kind of get one shot to carry a movie or make a movie. Not that the guy wouldn't land on his feet. But if Ted was a disaster, you go back to Fox and you pick up a pencil and you start working on the Family Guy Part two. And if Ted does great, then see a Fox and Steezy Street. Evidently it's gonna be a number one film. Last weekend and this weekend, 54,100,000. Yes. So I think between them not picking up any animated pilots, Seth MacFarlane probably getting out of there. The Simpsons coasting and the Flintstones going away, I think and whatever. The new girl you love, your dashanelle girl.

[Allison Rosen]

I like the other one though. The bones one.

[Adam Carolla]

One fucking thing on the planet we agree on must be nice to me, right? Once. All right, so thank you. I agree wholeheartedly. I think Fox is getting out of animation. That's my thing. I think their golden boy is gonna go make features. And that shall be that.

[Dr. Bruce]

That is.

[Dave Damaschek]

So then it'll just be competition, singing shows, that is.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's gonna be that. Then the uglier dashing out was animation,

[Allison Rosen]

the kind of thing a few years ago where it was super cheap and made a lot of sense. And now that the shows have gotten super popular, they pay a lot to the well known actors, to the writers, creators, blah, blah. Now like as Alison said, it's all about reality singing shows or whatever that makes financial sense.

[Adam Carolla]

What happens, I believe, is every network needs something to sort of hang their hat on. And sometimes stuff just falls into their lap. Like the Simpsons and the Family Guy. And I don't want to say fault, it's not luck. But the point is, before you know it, that becomes you and you become like radio show talk show hosts do this and a lot of comedians do this and a lot of people do this. It's just sort of becomes. I don't know if the guy whose real name escapes me, who plays Larry the Cable Guy, I don't think he set out to be Larry the Cable Guy when he was in college.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're right. I've never considered this. Not his real name.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Mr. And Mrs. The cable guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a stand up who wasn't doing particularly well. Hope you're sitting down. And then he got up there and started telling jokes about combines. And then everyone started laughing and before you know it, his, his name is Dan something. The Cable Guy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Dan the Cable Guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they, you know, he cut the sleeves off everything he owned and the next thing you know, he owned several thousand acres outside of Mississippi. Like that started work, he probably didn't. He just fell in. I think networks do that and I think they did that with animation domination. But I don't think they're going to be in that business so much anymore. And like I said, when Seth leaves, who the hell knows? All right, so congratulations to Seth. Couldn't happen to a better guy. But of course it means he'll never do the show again. All right, now he's happy to do it. We'll get him on soon. Somebody tweeted me over the weekend a Google campaign that involved my favorite song from hall and Oates. And I thought it was a joke. I wasn't sure what they meant by it. And then I realized, oh, wait a minute, they're using this as a positive example. It seemed kind of funny to me and sort of ironic and I thought they were fucking around and then I realized, oh, they do we have this by the way? Yeah, let's just take. This was a Google. Oh, here she comes. She's a scary lady. Better than man eater, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Angry tiger by the cursor. There's different names.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a man Gobbler, Paul, then Oates.

[Allison Rosen]

They're clearly collaborating.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a man eater. Oh, now kids. Oh, look out. You want me to use this service so my brain can be rendered useless? Like it turns you into a lyrical Retard. Like, is this a lobotomy? Everything was better than Man Eater. But look, I understand you couldn't get Lennon and McCartney together on, you know, hey Jude, but John and Paul, we got. You got Man Eater. This is. This is Google. This is your example of a creative collaboration. This fucking horrible abortion of a song.

[Dave Damaschek]

Maybe whole notes is all they could get.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a great idea from like a strategy standpoint. Like, it makes perfect sense, you know, what's going on in the ad, but poorly executed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, pick, like, Sarah Smile, a rich girl, and then sort of figure it out, you know, go, Sarah frown, Sara Lee.

[Allison Rosen]

It should have been Kisses on my list and it should have been kisses on my. You know, different things.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything but one of the worst songs ever created.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know the song is shit when your examples are actually sort of as good or better than what you're like, oh, man. Could you imagine how history would have been changed if it was a lady tiger? Whoa. Wouldn't have fit at all. Like, you know, like, there's certain.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's an ad for too many cooks in the kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The thing is, in art, there's certain things in art that you look at, whether it's an old Ferrari design or whether it's a painting or whether it's the lyrics to a song, and you go, could you imagine if it got twisted into this? But all your examples of this are as good, if not better than what you ended up with.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm making a face because I don't. It's tough because. Yeah. From Google standpoint. No, I agree with everything you said, but it's tough because you have to pick a band that has two people you know the names of and then an iconic enough song. Granted, it's a bad song, but an iconic enough song where, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's kind of a Lose, lose. But you picked a captain.

[Dave Damaschek]

Did Captain and Tenille have any. Well known.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Muskrat Love was much more excited. I would have been. Sorry to interrupt, but there's another one with the Eurythmics.

[Dave Damaschek]

Someone's just fucking with you, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory. Yuck. God, Kathryn Taylor would be great.

[Allison Rosen]

You're 100% right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so fucking bad.

[Dave Damaschek]

Google needs me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ. So anyway, that's their example of when great minds get together and collaborate so you too can write a fucking horrible song and annoy generations to come. There's hope for all of us.

[Dave Damaschek]

Let's just talk about the notion of collaboration in general greater than the sum of its parts, or do you feel like, artistically, people should work alone?

[Adam Carolla]

I personally like to collaborate a lot, but it all depends how you're wired. And then there's always going to be a top and a bottom. Bottom when it comes to collaborating. And you have to have a very flexible anus as we're in the bottom.

[Brian Bishop]

You're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

No, What I'm saying is if you work with Jimmy Kimmel, you're gonna be the bottom. That's the way it works. He's very headstrong. He's very like, you have to take

[Dave Damaschek]

your ego out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to take your ego out of it. He's got a very clear vision of what he wants. He'll tell you your idea, the worst idea he's ever heard in his entire life, and he'll be like, what?

[Dave Damaschek]

Refreshing honesty.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll be like, it's not a great idea, but it certainly can't be the worst idea you've ever heard in your entire life. Absolutely, 1000% the worst idea. It will never, ever work. And so if you work with Jimmy, but he's got a great sense of humor, and he's very good at producing, but you work with him, and that's a different relationship than you would have have working with Mike lynch, writing the book, working with Dr. Drew. So I've worked with Kevin Hansch and written a movie. I've worked with Nick Santorum, written a movie. I've worked with Mike lynch, obviously, and written a book.

[Dave Damaschek]

When you do that, when you're writing the movies with people, do you each write chunks or do you sit there together and write it? The writing partnership thing is something I've always been curious about and never.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy and I wrote a movie for Ivan Reitman where I would like, you know, I would show up at his house after loveline at like, 2:00am and we were, like, literally just right together.

[Allison Rosen]

I imagine Adam writing a chunk. Hey, Adam, how's that chunk coming?

[Adam Carolla]

Not so much.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm ready for your chunk.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm writing. Hold on. Did you ask what. I was drunk.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Will do.

[Allison Rosen]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, no. And then we wrote with Reitman. That was very painful. Cause he was brutally honest. Honest and sort of a douche a lot of the time, but, you know, in a straightforward, douchey kind of way. And done from a $75 million castle up around Santa Barbara.

[Dave Damaschek]

Softens the blow.

[Adam Carolla]

Softens the douchey blow.

[Allison Rosen]

Chateau Douche.

[Adam Carolla]

Chateau Douche. That's right. So in douche country up there. So. And I've written with a couple of different people. Well, I usually. The way I would do it, like with Kevin Hansch, when we write TV shows, is I would give him a chunk, like, go, here's the scene. I got the idea for the scene. Here's what'll work. And then he'd go work on it. And then he'd show it to me. And then I'd, like, punch it up a little bit. And then someone would say, there's a problem. They want more of this. And then I would pace around for a while, and I'd go, oh, we should do this, that, and the other. And then he'd go back and write it again. And sometimes we'd be in the same room, and other times we wouldn't. But I was much better. I. Obviously, you were the top. I was the top. And I probably couldn't sit. I couldn't sit down and type, so. And these guys were all accomplished enough to go back and do a very close version of what it is we talked about. Like, they didn't hand you back stuff where you went, like, what? We didn't talk about this at all. This isn't. This isn't it at all. So it's the same way I worked when I did the Man Show. I would have a rock writing assistant. I would go into their cubicle, I would tell them, here's the idea I have for a commercial parody, or here's my idea. And then here are the beats, and it should start here, and then it should go there. And then here's the joke, and here's a tag. Now have at it. Like, take a shot at it. And then they would take a shot at it. And then I'd come back and I'd go, all right, let's fix this up. And I'd go, take another shot at it. But the moral of the story is, is if you would like to work the same way with everybody, that's probably a mistake. Although most people would probably attempt to do that. I figured there are many different personalities when it comes to partners. Like I said, Drew is very malleable and very, like, what shall we do next? And what do you think would be funny? And you could just go, here's what's going to work. Here's what's to happen. Not going. Going to work. And Jimmy's much more. Has a very clear idea of, like, what he wants to do, and here's what it's going to be. And that's a completely different process. And your job is to kind of be like a pair of sweatpants that fits everybody. At least I think so. Because if you're going to work with Nick Santora and work on a feature and then you're going to work with Jimmy, and then you're going to work with Mike lynch or whoever, it's going to be uncomfortable if you're just going to be that. If you're skinny jeans, your skinny jeans are just not gonna fit everyone's fat ass. And I don't think you'll get the best out of them either. So when you work with Kevin Hench on a sitcom, it's much different than working with Jimmy on a sitcom. They're both very strong, but they're both very different. And Bill Simmons for that matter, too. Actually, I've worked with a lot of people and I am happy to say that I was able to adapt to whatever the person's strengths were, were, and got along quite nicely. And the product turned out to be pretty good with everybody. Not that any of it ever got made. Thank you. All right, Dr. Spaz is in the studio. I had this moment today. Oh, a couple things. I was watching TV on Friday when I heard about Tom Cruise getting divorced in my news. I'm guessing that's in your news. Yeah. Well, I'll just say this.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's okay. We can re talk about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyways, there's all. Tom Cruise is the most. He's like the most sincere guy on the planet. He's so sincere that you almost don't trust him. And, you know, whenever they interview him, he would always be like. They'd go, like, what's the best part about filming a movie on location? Bringing my family. Having my family with me, having them by my side. Being able to look into Katie and Suri's eyes every night before we go to bed and every night, morning before I leave for set. And you think it seems like a little too much. Most people say strip bars or food, and maybe they get to the family at a certain point. The fucking chicks in Prague are hot and the fucking food is awesome. That kind of stuff. But he always, really, sincerely was like,

[Dave Damaschek]

you have to believe me.

[Adam Carolla]

Katie completes me. All it was on Friday or Thursday, whenever this broke, I was watching Entertainment Tonight was an endless loop of Tom Cruise, you know, circa 1989, saying, she is the most wonderful human being I've ever met in my life. And then I always thought, thank God I never say anything nice about anyone. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean. See, it comes back to haunt you. See, that's part of my plan.

[Dave Damaschek]

What an expert strategy.

[Dan O'Brien]

Expert strategy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

When people say, to withhold the affection and love for people close to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When people say, what's the secret to the success of you and Lynette's relationship? I go, none of your beeswax. You know who's asking?

[Dave Damaschek]

What's it to you?

[Adam Carolla]

She's fine.

[Dave Damaschek]

They'll never replay that.

[Allison Rosen]

Editor busted in a newsroom. Guys, Carolla's been divorced now for 24 hours. Where is the footage of him proclaiming his love for his wife? I must have that.

[Adam Carolla]

We did have one where he was on the red carpet at the Hugh Hefner roast where he said, she was all right. Not good enough. I know. So now poor Tom Cruise has to. To watch a fucking endless loop of him just talking about, like, that's sincere. He's jumping up on the sofa with Oprah, but he's so fucking sincere, talking about how much love. And I don't know, is there any decorum? Is there any rules left? I mean, it's so.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not with those two.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird seeing this guy. I mean. And also, of course, there's footage of people two days before your wedding sitting down, talking about your bride to be. That they complete you and that they're the most awesome human being in the world.

[Dave Damaschek]

That is what's gonna be played if you divorce. When you sit down and do one of those interviews, you have to have some awareness.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. I don't know. There should be. There's gotta be some kind of Marquis of Queensberry or something where it's just like, come on. You can't. While the person's just announcing they're getting divorced, you can't just play an endless loop of the guy talking about how we'll be together forever.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel like they probably had that already edited together and ready to go. Like when newspapers write. Oh, bits ahead of time.

[Allison Rosen]

This just in. Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Helms vowed to each other at one point they'd be together.

[Adam Carolla]

What? No way. All right. Dr. Spaz has entered the building. Everybody got this one today. Tell me if there's a bigger pussy than this on the road. Driving down. Good. See you, Dr. Spaz. Driving down. Got my son in the back. Gonna hit the hot dog train. Sounds like a gay bar, but it's where they sell the hot dogs that's in the train.

[Allison Rosen]

You beat me to it.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm going down Riverside Drive, and it's one of those It's a main highway, but there's just two lanes, one going one way, the other going the other way. And I got the person in front of me that's got the right blinker on and is kind of pulled over to the right a little and going, you know, sucked toward the right a little and going like 12 miles an hour. Kind of looking for that spot or looking to turn in. Like, it's like someone's wife is reading them directions, and they can't tell whether to turn right on this street or turn right on the next street. Street. And I'm coming up on them, and they're, you know, 50 yards in front of me, and they're kind of sucked to the right, and they're going less than half the speed limit. And it looks like they're either going to turn, they sort of dip in on one street, and they're like. They're looking to pull in. They're looking for an address. So what I do is I just. I just go around them. I don't go into oncoming traffic. There's nobody coming the other direction. I don't pull into the other lane. I just sort of split the lane and just kind of keep the momentum going. And as I pass him, I get the horn honk. Like, the. What the fuck? Horn honk. And it's like, listen, douchebaggle, you're fucking going 13 miles an hour looking for an address. Is it okay if somebody passes your highness?

[Dr. Bruce]

Did you flip them off?

[Adam Carolla]

No, because it would have just been flipping off my son. It was in the backseat. I would throw my right hand up. But, you know, the people that are like. I don't know if they're scared or offended or you caught them off guard or whatever it is, but. But you have chosen to go well below the posted speed limit because you're engaged in something.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. You're not paying attention to your road.

[Adam Carolla]

You're looking for something. You're looking for an address. You're slowed down. You're off to right. So be it. May I go past you and continue on? I know where my destination is, and I don't need to slow down halfway there. Like, what is that? And who is that? Who's that person?

[Dr. Bruce]

Was that a hybrid? What kind of car were they driving?

[Adam Carolla]

Just like a Camry. Like, one time when I used to live up Beechwood Canyon, I'd get trapped behind some guy that was just dragging all the way down the canyon, like, just going really slow and looking for something. And at some point, we got to the four way stop sign where it sort of opened up a little bit. And what I did is I pulled next to them. And the thing was is I was just going to take off and get in front of him because they're looking for something. Like, again, when you're like looking for something or you're going really slowly, do you want want headlights up your ass or wouldn't you?

[Dave Damaschek]

I want people to pass me, right? Just go.

[Adam Carolla]

I try to pull really far, wave them around, like, go, go around. Well, we got next to each other and then we both took off and then he floored it. He was like, not on my watch, like. And we're drag racing. I had an M3, so I was able to beat him. But we're drag racing down Beachwood and it's like, douche, I'm only going around you because you were going four miles an hour for the last quarter mile and now I'm going around it. And I'm sorry that you look at that as a shame process, but I'm not trying to shame you. I got to go to work and you don't feel like driving. So would it be all right if I just go around?

[Dr. Bruce]

But don't you think there's a personality attached to these kind of behaviors? People drive a hybrid, right? If somebody drives a shitty car, then

[Adam Carolla]

they like a shitty car.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, hybrid is no fun to drive. And look at the first one they made, the Prius. It looks like it. It's just the worst, most unimaginative design possible. So people that think everyone should have

[Adam Carolla]

you drive an element. You drive a refrigerator box. It's a toaster with wheels on it. Excuse me.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's got panache.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say something. Your car looks like the kind of car that kids, when they make a car out of a box, that's what they do. Except for their car's better looking. You are going to fucking talk about passion for driving. You drive a minivan. You drive a maroon minivan van with a four cylinder.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, God forbid I try to argue with Adam Caroll on his own podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did you drive a box of shit?

[Dave Damaschek]

I think making a point that Adam would agree with, right? You're not allowed to make it, so

[Dr. Bruce]

why don't you make it for me? Because he's not going to.

[Dave Damaschek]

Listen, I draw. No, I drive. Well, I'm a girl though, so it's different.

[Allison Rosen]

How about someone makes a point?

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not making my point.

[Dan O'Brien]

Let me just say this.

[Dr. Bruce]

People that drive hybrids choose to drive them because they're making a statement that nobody deserves to drive anything that's not ecologically responsible or fun. Because we all have to put our responsibility to the environment and greenness ahead of everything else. Like my cousin in Norway thinks everybody should have nothing better than a Volkswagen minibus because everyone should be on the same plane.

[Dave Damaschek]

Therefore, you think they feel entitled to Democrats, socialists.

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce, I think you're just taking some of your own weird politics and drafting them onto my scenario. By the way, I didn't start off by saying the guy was driving a Prius.

[Dr. Bruce]

What was he driving?

[Adam Carolla]

A non hybrid car.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, let me say the element has

[Adam Carolla]

something a lot sportier than an element.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but it's fun. My kids love it.

[Adam Carolla]

That thing has an element of. That thing has an element of minivan, element of toaster oven, and an element of seagull shit. That's why they call it the element. There could be no 0 to 60. Steve. What is that thing? 14 seconds.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, is everything measured? Is everything. There's an element of design in the element. My kids love the car. They don't want me to get rid of it. And it's.

[Dave Damaschek]

What do they love about it? Just asking the question.

[Dr. Bruce]

My kids, even though Adam's coined them as strange children, they like to drive around in my car. Fun is after I get off work, drive around in my car, listens to 60s music and talk. Now, listen.

[Adam Carolla]

Now listen. I know what you're talking about. I labeled them as strange because when they're at my home, I invited them into my home a few years ago. Yeah, the last time I said, I'm gonna go out and buy pizza. What would you like on the pizza? And they said, I don't know. And I said, well, what is your favorite pizza topping? And they said, I don't know. And I said, well, what do you like when you order a pizza? What do you order on top of your pizza? And they said, doesn't matter. They don't like toppings. You don't. You have no opinions. I can either get mushroom or I can get anchovies. Like, there's no difference. Would you like. So would you like pepperoni on a pizza? I will order that one. And he said, doesn't matter.

[Dr. Bruce]

Little did I know that the freaking.

[Adam Carolla]

What kid doesn't spit out a topping?

[Dave Damaschek]

Kids that love an element, It's a

[Dr. Bruce]

Corolla Rorschach test for personality and intelligence is what topping they want on their pizza. Can you give me a break?

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a human being that doesn't have a topping? Ah, it's like asking a nine year old, what's your favorite color? No color. What's your flesh tone? Nothing. Off gray.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, let's move on.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Anyway, it's a piece of shit, but I know what you're saying. These people out there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes, people out there driving these bland cars that don't think anyone does.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a political sort of state of

[Dr. Bruce]

mind and I resent it whenever I see. See a car that's boring.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, everyone's a metrosexual now. And dudes used to like driving cars, and now we don't care.

[Dr. Bruce]

On the other hand, I had to spend the day yesterday at South Coast Plaza because It's my daughter's 16th birthday and she wanted to go shopping. And God forbid I describe what I saw there.

[Adam Carolla]

What's over there?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, you know, it's just my childhood. Oh, well, I lived near there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's just over overage of everything. Just the money and the.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's just numbers. Everything's just a big pile of shiny junk.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's just all Real Housewives of Orange County.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, not really, Alan. You've got, you know, you have Rolex. Everybody has their flagship store there.

[Adam Carolla]

South coast, it's just like ugly Americans.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah, and a lot of our Asian brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just America. Not at its ugliest. Like overindulge consumerism.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Spend 20 grand on a watch, Right? Look at me, everyone, look at me.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you could hang a half out there, but it's not for the average Joe like myself. So anyway, that was.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like those malls.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it was a doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, doctors don't rate anymore.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's an emergency room doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what'd your daughter get? Plain piece of pizza.

[Dave Damaschek]

They don't have pizza at South Coast Plaza.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, no. We went to a Southwest restaurant. She's got. She has very strong tastes, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can see that by her.

[Dr. Bruce]

So you had to get some sort of 430 purse.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, it is crazy. I took Natalia out roller skating today. Like, she purchased a helmet so she could go roller skating. That has a tiara built into it, right? Not for protection. She has a tiara. This is a tiara built into the top of the helmet. She has her pink. All pink outfit and her pink. Her white skates with. With the big pink sort of pom pom on the front and the Barbie pink element.

[Dave Damaschek]

She would have been my hero if I was a little bit younger than she was.

[Adam Carolla]

One big fucking pink blur.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, taking your kids out, I don't want to disclose anything, but when you go out, Natalia's looking in the phone. We have the iPhone on where you can see yourself. And she said something about, aren't I beautiful? It's a little bit of narcissism, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Inherited from where?

[Dr. Bruce]

And Sonny is the model of respect and appropriation. He's in the backseat and we saw. I don't know if it was a hot dog. It was one of these street fairs. And we mentioned taking. Stopping there. And he goes, I like to go there with. Father calls you father. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where he got it. Thank you. And please, no. He's a very good boy. And the thing that's actually fun to do with Natalia and Sonny is Natalia, she's just a horrible hog. She'll steal the spotlight. She's got all the bling going and everything. And this evening, we're in the office and Sonny has his ninjago dance. It's like this fucking horrible cartoon. These ninjas. And who the hell knew Lego would stand the test of time? It's a Lego cartoon where they're all fucked up and I don't understand why he likes it. And who the hell knew that ninjas and Legos would stand the test of time? But taking ninjas and Legos together in their. The fucking six year olds love him. It's insane. So he's got his ninjago dance and Natalia's in some other part of the house. And so Lynette and I go, come on, Sonny, do your dance. And Lynette's like, five, four, he's doing his dance. Three, two, here comes Natalia. Hey, what's going on? She's got to jump in front of him.

[Allison Rosen]

She's like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Slides into frames.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no such thing as is. You know, you saying to Sonny, sonny, do your thing without her sliding. Hello, my baby hello, my honey hello, my ragtime. She just slides on one knee right, right in front of her, like, you

[Dave Damaschek]

can still be an entertainer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, Stripper. Anyway. All right, where were we? Bruce, you got some stories, some medical.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, can we not comment on the aca, the Affordable Care act and the Supreme Court's.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know enough about it. Is it good? Is it bad? What's it. What's. What's a doctor think? Well, you know, it's. He works ER to keep his Honda full of gas. With jail in his hair, he's not too bad. He's got good lenses but real bad frames. Some call him Bruce, but there's another name. We call him Dr. Spells. We call him Dr. Spell. He'll put a finger up your ass.

[Dave Damaschek]

Embrace it, please.

[Adam Carolla]

What's a doctor think of this?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I'm just one doctor. I'm just a lone voice in the emergency room.

[Adam Carolla]

Just spit it out.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I think it is creating big government, increasing the involvement of government medicine, which is never good. I think there are aspects of this not denying care to pre existing illnesses that should have been embraced by physicians and done a long time ago. But if you are looking at 30 million uninsured and then bringing them into the mix saying you will have automatic medical coverage, I don't think we're going to be able to process that many people in the system in the next two years.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you, you what a heartless dick I am. There's a lot. I don't really think anything's guaranteed. I don't care. Like my whole thing is you're in charge of your coverage. You're in charge of taking care of yourself. You're in charge of putting food on your table. I don't want people that are unable to work and unable to think to be out on the street rotting. But the idea when I hear about like one out of seven peoples getting some sort of food related help, whether it's food stamps or whatever, it's lunch meal programs or whatever. I just heard this stat the other day and I was like, what the fuck is going on with this country? And my whole thing is you gotta feed yourself and you gotta take care of yourself. I don't mean perform your own surgery, but you gotta take care of your fucking insurance. It's nothing to me. There's nothing that's guaranteed. I don't want anyone to think there's anything guaranteed other than roads and streetlights.

[Dave Damaschek]

But even without this act, and I know it's, it sounds like I'm arguing in one way or another and I'm not. But even without this act, someone who doesn't have insurance was guaranteed health care if it got bad enough. Like I heard this bombastic radio host the other day saying like, you know that I'm trying to make the case that people choose not to have insurance and you can't tell someone they have to get insurance. And he's like, I have a cold, I'm not going to the hospital. I'm thinking, but if you were to fall over they would take you in. Yeah, that's the thing is that we have been guaranteed, guaranteed a certain amount of health care, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, we have emergency room. Yeah, yeah. But also I believe that most people, and here's what I know, I know most people can feed themselves. If you say you don't have to feed yourself, they won't. Like I was always uninsured, always. But I had X amount of bucks to put towards being at the Acme Comedy Theater, you know, cost, I don't know, 60 bucks a month dues or whatever. Groundlings classes were like 350 bucks. I mean I was 26, strong as an ox and didn't give a shit. And if I fucked myself up, I'd go to County, USC. But I could have paid $33 a month or $87 a month or whatever it is. I couldn't have afforded $500 a month. But I could have afforded health insurance for a non smoking, healthy, strong, you know, 26 year old year old dude. I didn't like, I chose not to.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, it's hard when you're young. It's hard to want to pay that money, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Especially when things are tight and you're trying to do something else. And like I said, that was pizza and beer money and I didn't have car insurance. I should have, but I didn't. I was like, fuck it, I don't want to pay for car insurance and I'm driving a piece of shit and I got a fuel cutoff switch so it can't get stolen. But I'm not going to cause any accidents, accidents. And I'm not gonna get pulled over. And I got my fuel cut off switch. So it's like I think that most people, most and there's always that extreme and the extreme needs to be taken care of. Most people can feed themselves, as I said in my last book, and provide insurance. My last book, Olga Olgai, as she's known by my kids, you know her well, she's a Guatemalan woman, has a daughter, you know, divorced and all that kind of shit. And everyone told her get on the food program. And she said, said, I'm feeding my daughter, I'm making her lunch. And she just boiled up a pot of beans and whatever, bought a sack of apples and you know, for, you know, $0.89 a day she fed her kid. She didn't make any money, you know, she worked, she was working, but barely. And she said I want to feed my kid. And feed her kid she did. And now she feeds My kids. All right, Bruce. Keep going, buddy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, so the Affordable Care Act.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave your politics out of that.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't have any problems. But what you're saying is that all of a sudden people who previously didn't have insurance are going to be showing up just to get care, and it's going to create a lot a bottleneck.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, they've advised states, and then states have to decide if they want to participate in the expanded Medi Cal programs. And if you don't, there's some penalties. It's just so complicated. It's hard for anyone to relate these sites.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's the bureaucracy of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Next story. Next.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, next story. We talk about several things. Again, CAT scans and cancer risk is in the news, and some people go boring. But CAT scans are something that people. Kid bumps their head, they come to the ER and this for me is a daily headache. They want to have their kid get a CAT scan. And so there's been study after study looking at how much radiation this is, which is a lot of radiation. And another study came out indicating that if you have two CAT scans, it can triple your risk of getting brain cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. And again, we question why is there so much. You know, and Brian, he's looked into this and there is seems to be a lot more brain cancer. And certainly people question whether cells are

[Adam Carolla]

so CAT scan a lot. So everyone's getting a CAT scan because this whole concussion thing is now at the tip of everyone's tongue. I mean, it wouldn't really exist five years ago, and now everyone's all this concussed Pop Warner football and all the contact sports and all that kind of shit. And so everyone's getting a lot of CAT scans, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Because of the threat of the concussion. And now we're adding to this.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. But the question is, what are you looking for in a CAT scan? When I explain to parents come in, their kid bumped his head. And if I call a neurosurgeon and say, gee, I want some support for not getting a CAT scan because kid, you know, saw some stars. But I don't think there's. What are you looking for with a CAT scan? You're looking for a skull fracture. You're looking for a bleed into the brain.

[Allison Rosen]

Why would one choose to give a CAT scan over an mri?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, now, that was something else. That's a great question. MRIs.

[LeVar Burton]

Thank you.

[Dr. Bruce]

They are magnetic. There's no radiation. But the amount of time it takes, there are few fewer scanners, so there's always a backlog getting somebody in. And there's a tremendous amount more of data produced and it takes longer to read.

[Dave Damaschek]

So they're more expensive as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. More data. With an MRI you get.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it produces a lot more information process more expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

But you'd rather, all things being equal, you'd rather have your kid have an mri, but you're not.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's no ER in the United States. Right. Right now that's primarily going to do.

[Adam Carolla]

So is this going to be one of those DDT things where it's like we go, hey, we got to eliminate this thing. Like it's, it's, it's, it's unintended, but we double down on something. DDT is, you know, you're killing the fish. So we get rid of.

[Allison Rosen]

That's an awesome finishing maneuver from Jake the Snake Roberts, the ddt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, didn't even know.

[Allison Rosen]

Finished off his opponents video DDT up there and then he put a snake on them.

[Adam Carolla]

You get rid of the DDT because it's killing the fish or it's getting the birds sick that are eating the fish or whatever. And then the mosquito population goes insane. And then you kill a million Africans from malaria because the mosquitoes are going insane. So it's like you're trying to do something good, but you end up with a bunch of fucked up people.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So giving everybody a CAT scan seems good, but you're giving them brain cancer.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. And then look at the abdominal CAT scans, which are even more radiation. And now all of a sudden, in the last few months.

[Adam Carolla]

Months.

[Dr. Bruce]

I have to check off on the computer that when I'm ordering a CAT scan, it says, you are aware as a physician of the increased radiation risk and cancer risk of this study. There are three new boxes I have to check off before I can order the test. So whenever you see that there's the

[Adam Carolla]

attorney, there's a DDT for you.

[Dr. Bruce]

That guy needs a CAT scanner.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom, boom. You know, it'd be nice. I'd like to have that. You know that lead vest they put on you?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to be donning that lead vest. Vest. When some low level guy works food service guy who got fired two weeks earlier, came in drunk and went nuts and went on a shooting spree. And then I was just like, bring it, dude. And I was just hanging out in my lead vest and I was just. Because I feel like it's such a waste, you know, I mean, it's the one time you hope someone kicks in a door with a shotgun, you know,

[Dave Damaschek]

like, normally, I hope someone kicks in the dentist's office.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. With a shotgun.

[Dave Damaschek]

When you're wearing the thing and they're

[Adam Carolla]

just interviewing you and you go, well, I was the only one wearing the lead vest, so I guess I'll live to have my teeth clean another day.

[Allison Rosen]

Out of different dentistry, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Obviously, I lost a train of thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Where were we? Last story.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there a difference between a CAT scan, a CT scan, Bruce, CT scan.

[Dr. Bruce]

Same as a CAT scan. And so that's something to look at when you go with your kid and you want a CAT scan. Just say to the doctor, gee, do you really think he needs it?

[Adam Carolla]

Rather than. Well, the first question, people coming in demanding that the doctor will ask whether did she hit her head hard enough for the tiara to pop off her helmet? Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, well, you know, where do you want to go? You want to go porn induced headaches.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel porn induced headaches. That's a good way to do that. LeVar Burton's here, so hurry.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, so this is a study that came out of India, which only received two stars on the doctor evaluation list for studies, but it was interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's occasional.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you have that?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like itunes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, actually, there's a percentage of men that, with orgasm sexual activity, develop what you call a thunderclap headache. And again, this affects me in the emergency department. Somebody comes in and says, I just had the worst headache of my life. Came out suddenly, that's cat skin, and they're naked.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you know what?

[Dr. Bruce]

They were just, well, if they're naked and chewing on somebody's face, then we know what to do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

But Thunderclap Play with Neil Young for a while in the 70s. Thunderclap Newman.

[Allison Rosen]

Thunderclap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

It was actually one of the. Who actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. Who?

[Dave Damaschek]

Perfect.

[Dr. Bruce]

Townsend started Thunderclap Newman. What was there. What was their one song?

[Adam Carolla]

Thunderclap Newman.

[Dr. Bruce]

Their one hit, the Revolution Revolutions here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great song. That song sucks. That was. Hold On, Was that. Hold On. Hold on was that song.

[Dr. Bruce]

It was in the Strawberry Statement movie like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, wait, wait a second. Hippie. Really reel in your beads and holster that roach clip for a second. Hold On. Was that song covered by Jefferson Airplane? No. Jefferson Starship?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, this is the COVID It was. Tom Petty covered it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a shitty song.

[Dr. Bruce]

This is somebody else.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this song. Okay. The originals. The other Revolution song. Yeah, it's all these songs. It was all that sort of. You know, it was all those songs that everyone wrote the same Three songs. They're. They're talking about change and revolution. It's back when white guys used to sing songs about just hanging out with you. Girl, that's a great song. Just want to chill.

[Allison Rosen]

This is an easy rider.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, is it an easy rider?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there was something in the air. There's change. There's a lot of change in the air.

[Dave Damaschek]

So you'll hear this song after you have an orgasm. And that's bad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, then you're. How did we get here?

[Adam Carolla]

And it can't.

[Dave Damaschek]

Headache. What is that? Where it comes on suddenly?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, Sudden, sudden, severe headache.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta worry about a bleed.

[Dr. Bruce]

Stop watching porn. So there's a guy. Anyway, they've identified a class of headaches that come on not with orgasm, not with sexual activity, but just watching porn. This guy, within 10 minutes would get a sudden severe headache. Well, they don't really know. That's an interesting case. So they're thinking it might have something to do with the trigeminal nerve which supplies sensation to the face and vascular

[Adam Carolla]

hitting him with a rolling pin. I miss that Andy cat. Well, of course we don't want to

[Dr. Bruce]

bring in the spiritual aspect that it was maybe God telling the guy I want to watch porn. That's another theory that was preferred. But anyway, some people do have. Every time they have an orgasm, have sex, severe headache and it becomes sometimes women. Usually diagnostic dilemma.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, usually before claim it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Beth, line one. Line one. Beth, caller, Line one from New York.

[Dr. Bruce]

Should have taken the call at the beginning of the segment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it means I'm not potted up or something. I don't know, Beth.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Beth, the good news is you're fired. You know what's weird? Almost every time we try to take a call, we just have everyone going. I don't know. Everything works.

[Dave Damaschek]

And yet we'd continue, but yet it never works.

[Adam Carolla]

I should fire you and burn down your friggin house.

[Caller Beth]

Hello?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Beth.

[Caller Beth]

Yes, hi. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you guys say hi. Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi. All right, what's your question?

[Caller Beth]

I'm sorry. I have triplets who are nine years old and one of them is severely autistic. And he for years has been showing pica behavior which is basically eating things that are non edible. Lately his favorite thing to eat is sharp plastic stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, cheers.

[Caller Beth]

Specifically like shrink wrap you'd find on electronics. And my question is for Dr. Bruce. What kind of things have you seen in the er as far as damage that can happen from long term pica behavior and also if he has any ideas on how to stop that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And then imagine what happens if he gets older and goes gay. It's going in the other end. Hey, Beth.

[Caller Beth]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the lad's name?

[Caller Beth]

I'm sorry, I can barely hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, what is your person's name who has this flag?

[Caller Beth]

Oh, Taylor.

[Adam Carolla]

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Boy or girl?

[Caller Beth]

He's a boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy. Okay. Are you married?

[Caller Beth]

I am, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Does your husband do what I do, what I always talk about doing, which is using Taylor as an excuse to get out of a lot of things at work?

[Caller Beth]

Absolutely. But Taylor is also non verbal and he uses a Dynavox, which is a little communication device. So. So communication with him is a little challenging on top of me too. Also, I had to do the Heimlich on him recently. He actually chewed up a rubber superball and swallowed it and he choked. So it's starting to get dangerous. We did have to take him. Speaking of radiation for X rays, they didn't find anything, but I'm just kind of getting concerned. I don't know if he's going to have a bezoar, which is like a little clump of stuff in his tummy.

[Dr. Bruce]

If you keep talking, you're going to answer all the questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He's nine. Yeah, yeah. What do they have? I mean, do they have like, do you physically have a muzzle or something? I mean, you can't watch the kid 247 and if the kid is at the point where they're just gonna throw things in their mouth, they have to

[Dave Damaschek]

remove all non food items from the home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

So yeah, from my perspective in the emergency department, it's pretty simple. I mean, you're dealing with it on a one time basis. And bezoars. What's she talking about? We talked about bezoars, Bezos before you can get bezoars or a clump of something that over time you consume a substance. I saw a medical student had a persimmon bezoar because he ate tons and tons of persimmons. And you can get good name for

[Adam Carolla]

martial artist as well.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you can get them rectally, but with somebody that's got a disorder, you

[Adam Carolla]

know what I mean?

[Dr. Bruce]

A disorder where they're eating something continually. This kid's probably consuming something every day. Shouldn't be consuming then. That is a definite risk. They don't have any kind of muscle for this.

[Adam Carolla]

But you go through the I'm an animal. But really, why not? Well, a hockey mask or something. I mean, you know.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, that's True, because kids continually bang their head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, they put a hockey helmet on these kids. I'm just saying this I've said many times, first off, it's too late for me, but if I had a special needs child, I would use it to get out of work, like three days a week. And every single conversation with the boss would just be like, ted, you got a minute? No. Taylor ate a star from my chest.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a. Again, Bess.

[Allison Rosen]

You'd think you guys would stop buying

[Adam Carolla]

these styrofoam eyes chest, but Bess, having a. Poor God, poor Beth. I'd like to hang out. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, listen, you forget about those TPS reports. You go home, take care of Beth, and what's really important.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. And then eventually you wouldn't even have

[Allison Rosen]

to have a find those damn coolers.

[Adam Carolla]

Just walk in and just go, hey, Taylor. And it's like, because you'd be the world's shittiest boss, it goes, fuck that retired kid. You gotta hang out and work with the rest of us. Hey, let me be the boss.

[Dr. Bruce]

Able bodied kids, let me be the boss. I'll tell you what I saw.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to do it?

[Podcast Narrator]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Beth.

[Caller Beth]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Seriously, Is your husband. I know. I'm trying to get some lemonade aids out of this situation here. Does. Does your husband use Taylor as an excuse to get out of work?

[Caller Beth]

Well, you know what? He's actually a really good dad. I can't knock him because he really works a lot with him, too. And it's just. It's 24 hours of care. I wish we could use him more as an excuse, but usually we're just stuck in the muck here.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel I'm gonna try to go on Mr. Brightside here? I know at some point, like, my daughter's gonna turn 14 and she's gonna be screaming at me, fuck you, old man. You think you're so smart. I'm not one of your. I'm not one of your stooges that listens to your crappy slob cast. Okay, why don't you call Dr. Drew

[Dr. Bruce]

and see what he did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just call your friend Dr. Drew and ask him what's wrong with me and why I want to huff. Copier toner. I hate you. I hate you. I'm a lesbian. I hate you. But you're gonna slam me the door and then open it again because your tiara would have fallen off. Grab it and pull it back in and slam the door again. You don't have that you have this person at home that will always depend on you, unfortunately, but always does. Will. Like you'll have a bond, a relationship that'll never even. Drew was telling me, oh, these kids are off at college and his daughter's going through a stage where everything mom says is wrong. And she's kind of going against everything mom. And she wasn't rebellious at all throughout, but now she's in college and she's getting rebellious. And you're never gonna have that stage with Taylor, right?

[Caller Beth]

Right. Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'll have this kind of bond and this kind of thing that's like, you know, it's like my parents, I don't even think about them, you know, Like, I don't. I was done with them when I was 12 and a half. I was out of the fucking house. Screw these old idiots. So, I mean, you know, at least you'll have this thing with Taylor, as tragic as this is, you'll have this bond, whereas one of the other two kids is sure to hate you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, so.

[Caller Beth]

But already happened.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's a behavioral. There's behavioral pediatrics. And I'm sure I don't know where you are or what access you have to specialty care.

[Caller Beth]

I'm actually, coincidentally, a behavior specialist. I work with people with developmental disabilities, ironically. But it's like the contractor's house is never fixed, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. What a setup.

[Dr. Bruce]

Asking an ER physician a contract complex question like this.

[Adam Carolla]

So she knows more than you'll ever know. I mean, let's be honest.

[Dave Damaschek]

She was just testing you.

[Dr. Bruce]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. I mean, seriously, like, honestly. Wait a second. What? What if, you know, like, when you're trying to get your dog not to do stuff, you put like apple bitters on shit.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, but autistic children, I mean, I'm not an expert like you are, Beth, but there are programs where they're doing behavior modification, correct?

[Caller Beth]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah, there is some success.

[Caller Beth]

You know, sometimes it's replacing it with food items, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I mean, he really, really craves these non edible foods.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right? And in general, that can be a vitamin deficiency. That's what you talk about.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you who should be sued. Who? The motherfuckers that make in China, by the way, that make all the miniature plastic food items that kids get. It's the dumbest fucking thing on the planet. It drove me nuts. When my kids were like two, two and a half, my sister brought over like, you know, essentially a whole foods worth of plastic Just bullshit, you know, like, you know, little mini chicken drumsticks and little mini carrots and little mini broccoli and all this plastic grapes. It's all made, it's covered in sars. It comes out a container that comes from China. It's all got red dye number whatever. And so here you are with the little fucking plastic food. And you're supposed to be plastic playing like green grocer or grocery store manager or something. So you walk into the room and the kid has a plastic asparagus thing and they're putting it in their mouth and you're like slapping it out of their hand. And then an hour later, you're sitting at the dinner table and you're telling them to eat the asparagus. Who the fuck decided to make food that would kill a kid? Is inedible, it's fucking poisonous and they'd choke if they ate it. But then moments later, you're gonna be begging them to eat the carrots and the fucking bracoflower. Who thought of this?

[Dr. Bruce]

How much do you have?

[Adam Carolla]

What fucking retard thought of this?

[Allison Rosen]

Look at you, bringing back sars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just saying, what the fuck? How shouldn't this shit be outlawed? How many kids fucking choke? You sit around the dinner table, you eat your little miniature carrot, you, everything's fine, and then that an hour later you're up in your room playing with your shit. You take the carrot and then you swallow it and then you choke.

[Dr. Bruce]

This diatribe you need to congressional hearing. I could hear you tolling pork this because.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let me say this, all right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Nobody says this.

[Adam Carolla]

When we have guns you can't make. Hey, this is an exact representation of a Glock or 9 millimeter. No, they have to fucking paint it orange or put some kind of weird red tip on it so the kid doesn't walk into the liquor store with it or stand in LAPD guns him down on his own.

[Dave Damaschek]

All the carrots should be gunmetal.

[Adam Carolla]

They should look like guns.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's a lack of common sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking idiots. It's fucking retarded.

[Dr. Bruce]

But I can't say what you're saying,

[Adam Carolla]

so say it loud. Why not? Who are these fucking animals that make plastic food for kids to choke on?

[Dave Damaschek]

Monster.

[Adam Carolla]

And when choking is a problem. Look, a kid will eat a Matchbox car and choke on it. How are you supposed to explain to a two year old the difference between a real carrot and a fake carrot that looks exactly the same? And why are you begging them and rewarding them, by the way? For eating the real carrot moments earlier and then slapping it out of their hands moments later when they pick up the fucking fake carrot. Who is fucking dumb enough to make this shit import person who let their

[Dave Damaschek]

kids play with it?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

And I won't talk about my last.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is it legal? Does it need to be legal? Does it feel like, oh, if your kids don't get the very important experience of working with plastic produce, they'll never turn out right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Capitalist exploitation.

[Dave Damaschek]

We should add this to the Affordable Care Act.

[Adam Carolla]

Please get it out of here. If we're gonna get sodas down to 16 ounces and put red orange tags on the end of every gun, let's get rid of that fucking fake plastic grocery market. Fucking retards. What are we so. We're so fucking dumb. Human beings are. How are we so smart and so dumb? How do we do the space shuttle and plastic carrots? What's it, huh? Obviously it's not the same mind, but how are we so simultaneously dumb and smart at the same time? Time, huh? That's a question. You know, the space shuttle has. Does not fly under any power. The space shuttle just glides. It's just a delta wing aircraft that starts off 200 miles in the sky over like Rio de Janeiro. De Janeiro. De Janeiro. Making a fucking salad dressing out of it over Rio and Glock all the way in till it gets like the Mojave desert doesn't have like retro rockets. Cannot, cannot change its course via any power. All it can do is fucking glide. Starts off in outer space over another continent and glides all the way out and lands out in the fucking Mojave desert in the exact same place every fucking time. And the thing weighs several hundred thousand tons. Like the thing weighs probably. Thing weighs like, I don't know, someone look it up. 80,000 tons or something insane. And it just fucking glides and just. But the energy goes down on the ground. And then we got plastic braca flower.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are we so stupid and smart?

[Dr. Bruce]

Capitalism. Not enough. Not enough controls.

[Adam Carolla]

Not enough.

[Dr. Bruce]

You don't want to hear about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving on the video. No. LeVar Burton is waiting out there. Oh God, we got a real celebrity.

[Dr. Bruce]

You should take up another second about cloud.

[Adam Carolla]

Plastic broccoli. Keep going. Find out how much that space shuttle weighs and where it starts out. Because it is absolutely insane that it cannot change. I mean, it can change its course, but it can't power up and go around ever again. It has no power. Starts gliding. That's it. And in outer fucking space. Jesus. Those guys are smart. All right, where were we? Ah, that's right. You have life insurance, Dr. Bruce. You do.

[Dr. Bruce]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When are you leaving? There it goes. You got nothing.

[Dave Damaschek]

The car.

[Adam Carolla]

The car. The element.

[Dr. Bruce]

Your resveratrol. Where's my Resveratrol bottle?

[Adam Carolla]

It's got six grand worth of element to leave behind. I would suggest. Encore Insurance Services LLC. Free life insurance quote. You call them today. 866-347-5748. You can visit their website at smartterm.com. thinking about getting some life insurance? Maybe already have some, but you're paying too much. Give them a call. Call Encore. Yes, they can help you. They'll compare the premiums of the highly rated insurers they represent and then they save you money. You see how it works? Let them work for you. Good sponsors, good people, good service. Give them a call. 866-347-5748. You're parent, you're married. It is time, baby. You need life inside insurance. Licensing and disclaimer information can be found on their [e-mail] that is smartterm.com. 4.5 million pounds is what the fucking, eh. That ain't when it's coming in though, is it? Is it that much throw waste. We gotta find the dry weight. We gotta find when it's on its way back, you know what I mean? When it's all full of that liquid or solid fuel, you know it's gonna

[Allison Rosen]

burn off a lot of fuel in the reentry.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, either way, going to bring in Levar Burton. We're going to be at the improv this Thursday, July 5th. Alonzo Bowden up on stage. Irvine and Irvine, that's right. San Antonio, Empire Theater. I'm going to be doing some stand up. That'll be July 13th. Houston, Bayou Music Center. Me and Dennis Prager. That'll be Thursday the 12th, and then Phoenix. That'll be me and Prager again Saturday the 1st. Alison Rosen is your new best friend. Available right now on our app and itunes. Jim Norton on the show. That is today's show. And of course my book. Not Taco Bell material. Everybody available now. Hardcover, ebook, audiobook, all that good stuff.

[Dr. Bruce]

I listened to the first two chapters that you gave free out in the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Excellent. Nice work, Bruce. What work? Where can we find you? Twitter. Where do we find you, Bruce? I don't have your shit in of you. Front. Front of me.

[Dr. Bruce]

Dr. Bruce H. I've just got to

[Adam Carolla]

start looking at £151,000. That's what it weighs, right? Right. See, that one was when it was

[Allison Rosen]

taken off with the rocket.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it was the wrong weight. I don't know why. It seemed like too much, but still it glides. Weighs 151,000 pounds.

[Dr. Bruce]

But it expended a lot of energy to get out there, so now it has the potential energy for gravity to pull it back in.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Dr. Bruce]

Welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Where were we? No, I mean, how many? How many? What's an SUV weigh? About 5,000 pounds? Yeah, about 5,000 pounds. So that's 151,000 pounds. Jesus Christ. Those are like 20 SUVs.

[Dave Damaschek]

30.

[Adam Carolla]

30 SUVs. Yeah. Five times. Yeah, 30 SUVs.

[Dr. Bruce]

How many elements?

[Adam Carolla]

They don't work in? Elements they don't use Azie. They use that to measure measurement. Yeah, that's how you measure losers. Yeah. All right, we will take ourselves a quick break. You done, Bruce?

[Dr. Bruce]

I'll be back. I've got an answer next week.

[Adam Carolla]

Lavar Burton is here. I'm going to ask lavar if he remembers calling me at the man show office and telling me to off or back off or something. I can't remember when. Knock it off. I can't remember what it was, but we'll talk to Lavar Burton next. Yeah, back with LeVar Burton. Good to see you, Levar.

[LeVar Burton]

You, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Reading Rainbow, available, by the way, at the App Store. Iconic brand. And let's see, Roots, obviously. Star Trek, Next Generation. I watch every second of Roots. You should know. I want to know all about that, but first, my curiosity. Did you call the man show at some point and tell me to knock it off?

[LeVar Burton]

You know what? I seem to recall being disgruntled at something that you were going on about. Do you recall what it was you were saying, or am I confusing you

[Adam Carolla]

with some other annoying white guy? No, no, I'm the most annoying. I said something. I don't know what I said, but I just remember sitting at my desk, I was new to show business and I'd seen Roots, obviously, so I'd known who you were for many years, and it was weird. I'd have my weird moments when I was new to show business, like Henry Winkler coming up to me going, hey, I'm a huge fan, you know, and, like, you're the Fonz. What are you talking about? It was weird. But LeVar Burton, I've seen it at my desk, and someone said, levar Burton's on the phone, he wants to talk to you. He's not happy, and I Thought. I remember thinking, wow, this is awesome. And then I thought, I wonder why? But then I thought, I was like, I didn't want to pick up the phone. But on the other hand. And I didn't know if it was someone Bull. It could have been Jimmy in the other room. Cause he does a pretty awesome LeVar Burton.

[LeVar Burton]

Does he?

[Adam Carolla]

Not really. He has a generic black voice, you know, But I still, like, I wouldn't have been able to go, bullshit. This isn't LeVar Burton. This is not the LeVar Burton I know. But I must have said something on Loveline. I don't now, but you've been in show business for a long time.

[LeVar Burton]

I have.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember saying anything particularly bad about you. I've said horrible things about a lot of people.

[LeVar Burton]

You had to have said something to piss cold off something.

[Adam Carolla]

Kunta was definitely pissed off.

[LeVar Burton]

But I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you. Is it. Is that your mo. Do you do. Have you done it before?

[LeVar Burton]

Have I done. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever called another, like, radio show host or anybody? I'm the only fucking guy you've ever called and said, hey, man.

[LeVar Burton]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I just occupy that.

[LeVar Burton]

You are the top. In fact, you are the only person on that list.

[Adam Carolla]

So if there was like a do show me, I would have just pegged it. I would just redline the DU show meter and hit the rev limiter. Because LeVar Burton, like, if you had a rich history of, like, if you said to me, oh, no, I've called many people out on their bullshit in this town. But you haven't.

[LeVar Burton]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the only person that you're aware.

[LeVar Burton]

I have to say, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[LeVar Burton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck was I saying?

[LeVar Burton]

I really wish.

[Adam Carolla]

But you do have a vague memory of Carl. I do, I do.

[LeVar Burton]

I do. I do.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does it go? Do you go, fuck that Adam Carolla. He's talking shit. And then you go, like, I'm gonna. And then you find out that we're both represented by William Morris or something. Like, how's it go?

[LeVar Burton]

Do you remember, there aren't many places I can hide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that about you. So Levar, gainfully employed in show business for 35 years. 35 years.

[LeVar Burton]

This is the 35th anniversary of Roots. This year, this very year,

[Adam Carolla]

I watched every episode and every second of Roots and every ironically black and white tv. Although, you know, that's one time we didn't really miss color. And my mom would just look at me about every 20 seconds and go, do you see what we did? Do you see what we did?

[LeVar Burton]

Where did you grow up?

[Adam Carolla]

I grew up in North Hollywood.

[LeVar Burton]

North Hollywood. Right here in Southern California.

[Adam Carolla]

Grew up right in the valley over there. And it was. I don't know how many millions of people watched that miniseries, but it was. First off, you had to watch it so you'd have something to talk about at school the next day because everybody. Other person watch it. Do you remember how many millions of eyeballs were on that?

[LeVar Burton]

No, I don't know. I don't remember the exact numbers. The final episode of Roots is still, I think, number three on the list of most watched episodes of television in the history of the medium, though beaten

[Adam Carolla]

only by bulbs and. No, I'm sure they were.

[Dave Damaschek]

And tubers.

[Adam Carolla]

Something that you plant in the ground. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Mash and Seinfeld or something like that.

[LeVar Burton]

Something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Some Super Bowl 14. Something. Something like that.

[LeVar Burton]

One is the super bowl and the other is the finale of Mass.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely insane. So how old were you when you got rude?

[LeVar Burton]

I was 19 and a sophomore at the University of Southern California.

[Adam Carolla]

And what. What did the. How was the audition? They just yelled run and start screaming.

[LeVar Burton]

No, the audition was actually inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Inside.

[LeVar Burton]

Inside what?

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[LeVar Burton]

It was inside. The actual running didn't come until later, people. I outran O.J. simpson during the. The scene that. That we had together.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[LeVar Burton]

I did indeed.

[Adam Carolla]

The Juice. The Juice, yeah. Well, he was in the Bruno Molly. That slowed him down a little bit. It might have done. So, so you. You get. And I am sure this is. They probably auditioned several hundred million a kajillion people for this role.

[LeVar Burton]

Really, they had exhausted all the normal means of casting here in Los Angeles. They'd been to Chicago, they'd been to New York. They came back to la, and they were really. They were just beating the bushes. They called the drama schools at USC And UCLA and CalArts, a couple of other university drama programs around town.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember which scene you did when you went in there?

[LeVar Burton]

I remember the scene that we did on the screen test. Yeah, the screen test was March 27, 1976, and we did a scene in the hold of the slave ship.

[Adam Carolla]

What was that? Was your. Your. Was your name. Was it Toby? No, what was. I know Kunta Kinte was your African name, but they wanted to call you Toby.

[LeVar Burton]

That. That was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right.

[LeVar Burton]

Yeah, you were right.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. They don't. I don't know why it's. It's burned into my memory. I was a kid when I watch it, but they I don't feel like they've ever rerun Roots.

[LeVar Burton]

Oh, but they have.

[Adam Carolla]

They do.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they do.

[Adam Carolla]

I never see it anywhere. I feel like I'd stop and watch it.

[LeVar Burton]

Well, it's on dvd. You can actually buy it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[LeVar Burton]

Add it to your collection.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we got porn, so. But, but, but they do. They'll show it places. They have.

[LeVar Burton]

They have done. They have done.

[Allison Rosen]

They have never made a porn version of Roots. They had to have made a porn parody.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, the great F.M. bradley. I'm sure.

[Dave Damaschek]

What would they call it?

[Adam Carolla]

The Great. Change the name. Just Root. Amazon.

[LeVar Burton]

By the way, F.M. bradley, friend of yours?

[Adam Carolla]

I know him. Well, I know you know what I'm talking about. You know Field Marshall Bradley.

[LeVar Burton]

Is that what FM stands for?

[Adam Carolla]

I did not know that until later on. But F.M. bradley, wow. Stands for Field Marshal Bradley.

[LeVar Burton]

He helped win World War II, and I'm not surprised.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Do you know the work of F.M.

[LeVar Burton]

bradley? I have seen it on occasion.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[LeVar Burton]

But it's old school porn.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I like.

[LeVar Burton]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I like.

[LeVar Burton]

Very old school.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're gonna go to Amazon. Oh, by the way, there's FM as we speak. If you're gonna go to Amazon and pick up the box set of Roots, why don't you go ahead and click through AdamCroll.com, hit the banner on Amazon. Show a little love. Put a little win in the sails of the pirate ship. Not the slave ship, the pirate ship. Yeah, there's old fm. He's still around.

[LeVar Burton]

Is he really?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys talk much?

[LeVar Burton]

Is he still working?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not sure. There's a kind of expiration date on porn actors, but dudes can hang on for a while. Like Ron Jeremy's been hanging on for a while.

[LeVar Burton]

But he's not working.

[Adam Carolla]

Surely he's not working. Yes, he does. Is he? Yes, yes, yes, he does.

[Dave Damaschek]

You should run your black men in porn theory by LeVar.

[LeVar Burton]

Okay, LeVar, I feel another call coming up, but please do enlighten.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that the myth of the man. Of the black man with the large phallus.

[LeVar Burton]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is created, or at least supported in some. Some fashion by the fact that in the porn industry, if you have a small penis and your brother, they ain't letting you in, Right. So you have to have a large penis. Thus you cannot get into pornography as a black man. Thus the only black penis most white America sees, especially when it's, you know, engorged. Do you know what I'm saying? Saying is in Pornography. Thus the only experience we ever have with the engorged black penis is pornography. And thus we think all black men have a huge penis. Oh, phone rang. That's you already.

[LeVar Burton]

Kunta Online 1.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that good?

[LeVar Burton]

Kunta Online 1.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he quietly agrees with that theory. Levar, Burton and Steele. So Levar, what do you do after Roots? What is the name next? What is your next project? After what is Roots? So we're talking about 74. Wait, we said 77. 77.

[LeVar Burton]

77, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because. Yeah. Anniversary. 35th anniversary. What do we do after? Where do we go from there?

[LeVar Burton]

My next job after Roots was an American short story series on pbs. And thus began my long standing love affair with public broadcasting.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's with you, my friend, should we do a little news and lavar hang out and crack wise?

[Dave Damaschek]

Guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison LeVar. Quite quick question before we get into the news. I just saw this.

[LeVar Burton]

Was that the Facts of Life theme?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, it was.

[LeVar Burton]

Wow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Very good.

[Adam Carolla]

When after Roots, did the black community try to make you into sort of a spokesperson for the black community? Like, you know, you talk about once in a while you hear about athletes and they don't want to get political, but they feel like they get sort of drawn into it because they go, listen, you have all these eyes and ears on you and you should be talking about this stuff. And then there's a second of the community that looks down on you if you don't. If you just want to go out and golf with white guys. Was there that situation for any point?

[LeVar Burton]

No, I think that job went to Al Sharpton.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[LeVar Burton]

Passed right over me.

[Adam Carolla]

Did not. They didn't come after me.

[Dave Damaschek]

They didn't even get to audition.

[Adam Carolla]

No, did not come after you.

[LeVar Burton]

No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead, Allison. I'm listening.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, here's a special lavar centric news story. Brazil is offering inmates reduced jail time for in exchange for reading books. And they can get up to 48 days off of their sentence, four days per book if they. They have to write a report on the book and they have to make correct use of quote, make correct use of paragraphs, be free of corrections, use margins and legible joined up writing. And I think joined up writing must be cursive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

And I'm wondering What qualifies as a book to them?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, that's interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Not Taco Bell material.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Get my new book out. Out there.

[LeVar Burton]

This is an idea whose time has come.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not bad.

[LeVar Burton]

I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's better than making shanks out of spoons, you know? And why not? So I'd be much more apt to let a guy out who read 150 books at the end rather than, you know, basically, you know, fucked his bunk mate.

[LeVar Burton]

Time off for literacy. It's a good policy.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. Yes. Go ahead.

[Dave Damaschek]

But do you really think it would reduce the. The, you know, let's say they're gonna commit the crime again. You think the fact they recognize recidivism

[LeVar Burton]

is the word you're looking for?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. Thank you. I almost used it, and then I doubted myself.

[LeVar Burton]

Never doubt yourself dealt with your first mind.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you think it's gonna reduce the recidivism reading books?

[Adam Carolla]

You shouldn't doubt yourself, but you should doubt Levar when he tells you not to doubt yourself.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's all I want to say.

[Dave Damaschek]

I will.

[Adam Carolla]

Question, I think, you know, look, when I hear about a guy that found Jesus Christ and. And is a devout Christian now and runs the services and all that stuff, as much bullshit as sometimes I think it is, I'm much more apt to want that guy out on the street rather than the guy that just got himself tatted up and hit the weights pretty hard and hung out with the rest of the gangbanger friends he was in with. You know what I'm saying?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, but I'm just saying there's plenty of violent, crazy people who read.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and look, there's a point where if you read too much, you become the uniform bomber, right? You start composing his manifestos and all that kind of stuff. But in general, there are the guys who go through prison and they get a law degree by hanging out in the library, and they get certified as a CPA or whatever the hell they do. I feel like those guys put their time into something, gain some sort of knowledge, thus have something to lose. And. I don't know. Look, if you're a rapist, I don't know if it cures you, but if you got into a fight in a bar and stabbed a guy when you were 17 or something, and now you're 51 and you've read 2,000 books, I'm probably okay with you.

[LeVar Burton]

The point of prison is rehabilitation. And anyone who's willing to work on themselves is demonstrating that they actually get the Process.

[Adam Carolla]

And as the one Jewish warden once said couldn't Hoyt. That's the one. There's only one. There's only one Brubaker Berg. There's only one Jewish warden. And that's what he said it could not Hoyt.

[Dave Damaschek]

So Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are no more. Tomcat is now just Tom and Katie.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what? By the way, where is she going? Like, what's up, New York?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, she.

[Allison Rosen]

The bank.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, she filed in New York and that's noteworthy because they live in la. But she wants sole custody of Suri and in New York. New York courts are more liable to give someone sole custody.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I don't want.

[Dave Damaschek]

She already had an apartment in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to seem like I'm just jaded here. But she has a prenup.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And seeking sole custody is sort of a cruel thing to do.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, people are saying it's because she wants to keep Suri away from the. The clutches or the influence of Scientology.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it may have to do with money as well. Like that kid becomes a bargaining chip. There's definitely something there. Like when you go, you just play it smart. You go, go for sole custody, then that'll be one more thing that they'll have to bring to the table when it comes time to negotiate. To negotiate. I think it's a negotiation.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. That is jaded.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. But I didn't make it up. I heard I wouldn't have made it up, but when I heard it, I went, yeah, that makes sense. I don't think she thinks that Tom Cruise is an unfit parent. He has other kids. They seem to be fine.

[LeVar Burton]

He has plenty of other kids.

[Adam Carolla]

He has plenty of other kids. Adopted kids. And everyone seems to be great. They were like with him shooting.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's the best part of filming movies for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think he's the world's great. I think, and I've said this before, I think he's just. I feel sorry for him. Cause I feel like he's a non human. I think he's the hardest work working guy in the world who just doesn't know what he's supposed to do. So he tries his hardest to do what a human being would do and then somehow it backfires on him. And I'm sure if you got her pumped up with enough Zimas or tequilas, she could tell you, because that's her drink. Could tell you some great. She's more of a. She could tell you some great stories. But I don't know why the soul cuss.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, the most cynical rumor swirling around this, which has been swirling around it for years, is that this whole, whole marriage was arranged.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, he wants to be with John Travolta.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. That's what a lot of people think. And that after five years, the contract is up.

[Adam Carolla]

Why I don't get, though, when there's plenty of guys, you know, this sort of beard thing, this arranged, you know, well, scientology's gonna put you with a woman, and then you're gonna be seen on the red carpet and all this kind of stuff. All the world class pussy hounds are single. Like, all the George Clooneys of the world and all the what's his name from 300, and all that kind of stuff like that. Jerry Butler. Jerry Butler. All those guys are they never like, Jerry Butler, never Law is supposed to be one. They never seem to be with a woman, right? But no one goes, those guys are gay. Jerry Butler's definitely blowing some dude right now.

[Dave Damaschek]

Maybe that's their beard, the poon head.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I don't think, but it works. He's fucking another chick. Like, we understand he's perpetually single because he likes new pussy every 20 minutes. So can't Tom Cruise just be single like you think? Like, why are rumors gonna swirl if he's single when all these other guys are single? Because they're poon hounds,

[Dave Damaschek]

right? So the way to really prove that you're into ladies is to not marry one. It's just dick in a lot of that.

[Adam Carolla]

They even have a girl, right? Like, you show up with your mom on the red carpet and everyone goes, that's a fucking smooth move. He just got another. He just got another metric ton of pussy by showing up with his mom. Like, this is my beautiful date. I could think of. Oh, there they go. That's awesome.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I think if you truly were gay, but you wanted a beard, it would be. Or you wanted people you didn't want to be out. It would be more work to have to create this poonhound reputation than to just be married and then you can do what you want on the side and then you're done.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, but I'm just saying, be single. Like, you don't have to even do the poonhound thing. You can just be single, right? That's all I'm saying. Are you also saying David Spade is single? You know what I mean? No one thinks he's gay.

[LeVar Burton]

Nobody thinks he's a poon hound either, do they?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. I know he is, but the point

[Dave Damaschek]

I think he's known for. Doesn't he date models?

[LeVar Burton]

He dates models.

[Adam Carolla]

He does date models. Listen, Julianne Hough's phone rang about 28 times when she was my dancing partner. I was like, oh, that's David Spade. Like I wonder what he wants to talk about. But yeah, he's a poon hound, but no, but society just knows that he's a single guy. That's what I'm saying. He's trying to live down the whole part where all he does is try to fuck 21 year old blondes. But the point is that's his life. But he doesn't want you to. To know it. He doesn't want me to talk about it on the podcast. So point is this, you can't.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's calling right now.

[Adam Carolla]

No one needs to know and no one needs to care. So you can be single, you don't have to be married, otherwise we think you're gay.

[Dave Damaschek]

But if you really are gay, and I don't know, I'm just thinking if you really are gay, I wonder if people are gonna begin to suspect it

[Adam Carolla]

more if you're single.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're single for super extended periods

[Dave Damaschek]

of time and we don't see you dating women.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but like I said, David Spade never seems to have a girlfriend and we don't.

[Dave Damaschek]

But we know that he dates models,

[Adam Carolla]

but we don't really see him doing anything, do we?

[Dave Damaschek]

If I found out he was gay, I wouldn't be surprised.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't?

[Dave Damaschek]

David Spade, Yeah. Okay, he seems kind of effeminate and he's not tethered to a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, here's my point. There's single guys and nobody thinks they're gay and there's single guys who aren't even poonhounds and nobody thinks they're gay. So in this day and age, in the 50s, if you're 40 and you weren't married then maybe people would ask what's up? But now no one gives a shit.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So Tom Cruise, whatever he is, should just fucking be single for a while, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. Want to know a very weird wrinkle to this story? Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes all divorced. Tom Cruise when they were 33.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dave Damaschek]

And I don't know if there's any signi. There's. I mean, it's just coincidence now, do

[Adam Carolla]

you think there's something they know that we don't know or is it just

[Dave Damaschek]

that thing like that's when Their contract expires.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, I don't mean the 33 thing, I just mean a woman. There's two reasons you get divorced, usually. A, you fall in love with somebody else, which probably not the case here. B, I'm gonna give three reasons. B, you just feel like this person is not giving me what I need and they never will. Or then there's the whole gay thing. But I feel like Tom Cruise is one of these non human humans that could never give a woman.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I have no read on what he's actually like.

[Adam Carolla]

See, he should be gay. I'd marry his ass. We could go ride around Ducati's all day and drive around in his P51 Mustang with the twin trainer seat in it and have fun. Because he's like a dude, but I don't think he has anything in him. Like, I see women. Here's what I know. Levar, are you single? What do you got going?

[LeVar Burton]

No, I've been married for quite some time.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times. Okay, just checking you off my gay list, that's all.

[LeVar Burton]

God bless.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is this a woman. He keeps a list, apparently. So a woman, that's a wristband when I travel. But anyway, I have to list at home. But anyway, the point is this. A woman needs something, she needs to feel something, you know, and women need to feel like, oh, I don't feel like you're listening. I don't feel. Feel like you're present, you know, those

[Dave Damaschek]

are all things that we like to feel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you want the person to feel. And Tom Cruise is not going to give a woman that feeling. He's going to give her the date of a lifetime. He's going to pick you up on a motorcycle, then you're going to go flying in his jet, and then you're going to go have lunch in San Francisco and it's going to be all this great stuff. But I bet if you ever ask Katie Holmes, Tom, one on one, like, did you ever feel like you broke in or was he just doing his greatest impersonation of a husband? Husband. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel like you're gonna get. Well, based on what I've seen of him from his appearances, you're gonna get him, you're gonna get some manic intensity from him, but not a sustained companion.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's what happens. These women get attracted to these guys that are perpetual overachievers and then they don't realize that just because they get with you. Doesn't mean they shut it off. He's probably, you know, she's probably saying, on a Sunday morning, Tom, just sleep in. Let's fucking watch some tv and put the dog on the bed. And he's like, fuck it, I'm going to the gym at 6am you know what I mean? I'll swim a thousand laps and then I'm gonna get with my trainer and we're going out on the track, you know? You know? You know, I'm talking about like he's that guy. He's never just lay around a bed, need a tub, ice cream and get high, you know?

[Dave Damaschek]

I wonder if he ever like just does anything. That's super.

[Adam Carolla]

He showed up at Jimmy's house and brought cupcakes with his mom. It's all in the book. And he's gay. He drank water on an NFL Sunday and he had a driver. I don't respect that.

[Allison Rosen]

He better shotgun the water.

[Adam Carolla]

Put a hole in the. Stabbed the bottom of the ballpark. Sucked it down. Yeah. All right. Anyway, she has to have. They have to have some sort of gag order and reflex, right? I mean, there has to be a. I cannot tell people what the hell went on in this relationship.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I'm sure they.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean if it's part of the settlement or whatever.

[Dave Damaschek]

Isn't that always the case?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I do feel like there's some women that.

[Dave Damaschek]

Are there any Hollywood insiders here? What's really going on?

[Allison Rosen]

The only reason I would think there wouldn't be a contract is because if anyone ever violated the contract, like wanted to get after before five years to something to violate and they were sued, it would be a matter of public record, it would be in the courts and then it would be, oh, there's this bizarre contract that's never ever happened. So the contract sounds great, but good luck enforcing because then you gotta take someone to court and then you gotta testify.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so here's the point. Do we feel sorry for Tom Cruise or not?

[Dave Damaschek]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit. I feel like.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why you feel like he got blindsided by this? Cuz she filed while he was in Iceland.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he.

[Dave Damaschek]

Looking into her eyes, I feel like he.

[Adam Carolla]

He has built himself this gilded cage like of being the most perfect man on the planet. And now he fucked himself up and he can't really ever be a human being. Like he cannot. Like, look, if he's gay, he can't say it. If he's. Whatever, he can't say it. Like he just has this. He'll never say a bad thing about her. He'll never, he'll never. Like he's built himself this super sober greatest on the planet, greatest dad on the planet cage. And now every second he spends he has to try to live up to that and it just feels like he's starting to crack or something.

[Dave Damaschek]

Levar reading Rainbow. Did you ever feel like you had to keep a certain image or have to keep a certain image?

[LeVar Burton]

Not really. I mean, I am that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's what he has to say, right? He has to say he's Mr. Pervin,

[Dave Damaschek]

he can't drop an F. No, no,

[LeVar Burton]

no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say I was perfect. I just said I'm the guy that likes to read books.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, right. But you can't, you know, you, you, you can't leave any, you know, nice Mel Gibson esque rants on your old lady's, you know, message machine.

[LeVar Burton]

No, that would be really out of character for me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. And then people be freaked out.

[LeVar Burton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you got to be careful.

[LeVar Burton]

Well, I sure, I suppose that's true.

[Dave Damaschek]

Did he use any bad language when he called you disgruntled?

[Adam Carolla]

It just sounded like Mel Gibson. It was like it was grunting. And then he was yelling for me to blow him in a Jacuzzi. And back then there was no context. You understand? Now it all makes sense. We're going through Jacuzzi and suck my dick. Start screaming. And then he keeps screaming, what's my name? What's my name? And then I'm like, it's Toby. Right? And you're like no, no, super awkward.

[Allison Rosen]

And call waiting beeped in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Speaking of love or the disillusion of it, Alec Baldwin got married today. Yeah, To Hilaria Thomas in New York. The wedding was a Catholic ceremony at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral. And Tina Fey was there as well as Woody Allen and Stephen Baldwin. Now that's what this article says. And I'm wondering, were the other Baldwin's not in the table attendance?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't they have to or not worth mentioning?

[Dave Damaschek]

But Stephen, I feel like that the other ones are ahead of Steven in terms of the mentioning.

[LeVar Burton]

Well, there's Billy, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

There's Daniel.

[LeVar Burton]

And then there's Daniel.

[Adam Carolla]

She's got to open a comedy club, doesn't she?

[LeVar Burton]

Hilaria with yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? There's nothing. Nothing. More like come on now, that's your calling.

[Dave Damaschek]

Instead she does yoga.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Baldwin looks amazing. Comedy looks like he dropped like £40 or so. Something. He's getting a lot of exercise, beating up paparazzi. It's nice. I fucking love that guy. And he's right. And you know what I love? I love when the paparazzi is getting the hand clamp on the bicep, kind of pushing them back. And because there's a camera on them and they're going to try to sue later, they have to go, my arm. Except for it's just a 26 year old guy who's a little bit chubby, standing up around. And alec Baldwin, who's 52, grabs their shoulder. It's like, oh, shut up, you puss.

[Allison Rosen]

That's our version of flopping here in America.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's what? Yeah.

[LeVar Burton]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Alec Baldwin is 52. No, seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he could be 53. I don't know.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's 54.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, don't be a one upper. He's 54.

[LeVar Burton]

54. 54.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right, 54.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah.

[LeVar Burton]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks good.

[LeVar Burton]

Clearly.

[Adam Carolla]

You look good, too. How old are you, lahar?

[LeVar Burton]

55.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. See, look at you. You look the same. The fuck? Genetics. Yeah, good. Genetics. All right, where were we? Yeah, God bless him. Good. I wonder if Kim Basner's got to be just going insane somewhere, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever happened to her?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's nuts. I mean, she's true, but you can

[Allison Rosen]

control that shit through medication.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but when you're nuts and you have some money, you don't have to listen to doctors and what people around you. It's not like you have your assistant going, hey, bitch, take your fucking meds.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I would think that if you're rich and you have money and you're crazy, you have money and you're crazy. You pay people on the payroll to keep you on your meds. You know what I'm saying?

[Dave Damaschek]

That's a very sane thought, though.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a great point.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's the whole sort of Howard, Howard Hughes Wallace sound kind of whatever thing. Phil Spector kind of great hair. Phil Nuts. And nobody's ever really gonna straighten you out.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's interesting the way nuts people don't want to be medicated, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's two kinds of nuts. There's two kinds of. There's two places where you don't get straightened out. The very bottom of the nuts. Socioeconomic ladder. That's just guy walking around the street fucking screaming about the Korea, you know what I mean? And dragging a dog along with a lamp cord. You know that person doesn't get his meds because everyone's like, oh, fucking nuts. Like, I'm not getting near that guy. Like, who the hell wants to take. Take that guy, he's got fucking crabs in his beard. Like I don't want to deal with him. Then there's top of the food chain nuts. Phil Spector kind of nuts. Like that guy's got a mansion and a 44. And I'm not going up to. You go up to his master bedroom and wake him up. Yes. Yeah, you go up or Brian Wilson or something. You go up to the fucking master suite where he's cleaning his gun and tell him he's gotta take his meds. I'm not going up there. And I'm on the payroll, by the way. And he just locks himself in his room all day. And my check's clear, so I don't give a fuck. The only thing I'll say, hold on a second. Then there's in between nuts. In between nuts is you got a couple of kids, you got a Boss, you make 110 grand a year, you got a wife and she's to going, hey, you're fucking. You need to be on your meds. Like you have somebody telling you you're gonna lose your job. You missed two days last week because you went on one of your hyper. You had one of your manic moments. You almost got fucking fired. You will get fired, I will divorce you, take your medication, blah, blah, blah. That person gets help. I feel like the middle gets help. The very bottom doesn't get help because we don't want to touch them. And the very top doesn't get help because they don't have to listen to us. Go ahead. Shit.

[Allison Rosen]

On my point, everything he said makes sense. The only thing thing is the Brian Wilson's of the world, the Phil Spectors of the world, it makes financial sense if you're on the payroll to not fuck with them because they're gonna sit there and be crazy and the checks are gonna roll in from royalties or whatever that Michael Jackson or Howard Hughes from inventions from royalties. The Kim Bastingers of the world is a cash cow that's not being milked. Like she gets on the meds, she gets back in acting and she's making you money like behooves you as an association.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian Wilson obviously could have won out and toured with the Beach Boys all throughout the. Throughout the 80s or 90s or whenever he was just getting fat in bed. There's money to be made for these Guys working. Yeah. There's royalties and checks coming in and they can sustain it. And who knows what kind of deal she has.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, what nuts is she? And you guys speak like you have firsthand Kim Basinger nuts experience.

[Adam Carolla]

We teamed her about four years ago. She was fucking nuts. That's great. On the futon.

[Allison Rosen]

She wouldn't stop screaming, stop this. I'm an Oscar winning actress.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's when I decided to introduce the Oscar into the actual.

[Dave Damaschek]

Which was the credit that she kept pushing down your throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Eight mile.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. I was an eight mile.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She kept laughing and yelling five and a half mile. And pointing at me. I didn't get it at first.

[Dave Damaschek]

She is nuts. You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's insane.

[Adam Carolla]

I still maintain a decent sense of humor. Yeah, I like that.

[Dave Damaschek]

She could joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Phallic humor. I don't know where she. If she works with other material very well.

[Dave Damaschek]

And now he's moved on to Hilaria.

[Adam Carolla]

She seems to nuts. And then the problem is she's been trading on her look. She's talented, but she was so exquisite looking. And then the years catch up and then you start. And then who knows? And then I think there's a thing. But you guys tell me what you think, because I've been thinking about this a little because I've been thinking about Pam Anderson lately. When you are a woman who's very traditionally beautiful and you trade on your looks and that's how we know you in society. And then those looks go. And then your mind starts going a little bit and you put on a few pounds and you put on a couple of wrinkles and some gray hairs and that kind of stuff. You then cannot really be seen. Like Alec Baldwin can go out and be fat and be bearded and be at the supermarket and no one gives a shit. And as a matter of fact, Alec Baldwin could just have his shirt off at San Tropez and have his gut hanging out over his shorts. If you're Kim Basinger and you go out and you look like shit, like for all we know she's packed on £40 and looks like hell. She has to become a hermit now because if she goes out, people will be going, oh, look at that.

[Dave Damaschek]

The next time you see them is when they're all of a sudden doing ads for Jenny Craig or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or come full circle, put their shit back together, got a trainer, blah, blah, blah. But she in a way has to lock herself inside her house.

[Dave Damaschek]

But we've decided she's crazy and fat and that's why we haven't heard from her lately.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Uh huh. Mm. All right. I just think there's something up with her. I think there's always something. And I've talked to Baldwin about her a little bit and, you know, impartial jury. Yeah, yeah.

[LeVar Burton]

They have a child together, do they not?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they do. A daughter. Right.

[LeVar Burton]

Who is how old these days?

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta be seven. Gotta be 18, 19 by now.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, wasn't she around 13, around the time of the whole scandal?

[Adam Carolla]

She's probably 13, 14, about three, four years ago when that shit went down. So yeah, it's gotta be 18, 19 by now. It's gonna be one of those things where we find out she's 32 and we go, what the fuck?

[Dave Damaschek]

She's 16. Or she was.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a party today.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, that's today from today, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she's 16 today. Oh, yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ireland, Baldwin, 16, parties with dad Alec on eve of wedding. Yeah. And there she is with Steven and dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Man, she looks like Kim.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You could do a lot worse in life. God, imagine those two for your fucking parents. And by the way, people forget about him. See a picture of him when he was 29, like he was a bit of all right.

[Allison Rosen]

He was a leading man.

[Adam Carolla]

No shit. All right, let's bring it on home, baby girl.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Dip a cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Tune in radio. Over 70,000 stations, including traditional radio, radio, Internet only stations. You can hear the podcast, over 2 million on demand programs, including us. That's right, you can hear us. Tune in. Radio lets you listen. You can hear stations and podcasts and God knows what else have been created all over the world, whatever they're doing, wherever it is. Paris, London, Brazil.

[Dave Damaschek]

I use this every day on my phone. It is indispensable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then once you get used to it, you can never go back. Deal with all the fucking traffic and commercials and mattress and lanes and weather and all the other bullshit you got to sift through. Available on every smartphone, hundreds of other devices and connected cars like Ford, BMW, mini. Oh, well, what else do you need? They're all in there [e-mail]. that is tunein.com. find the station you like, sit back and enjoy. It's absolutely free. Free. Just search Tunein on your phone's app store and download the free app. It's all free. TuneIn.com. all right. I want to thank everyone for their support. Thank you for making this such a successful Show. And remember, tell a Friend. Use the Tell a Friend page on our site. Spread the Word by Twitter and Facebook. We do appreciate it. You are our only form of advertising. Thank you very much for what you do do. LeVar Burton, everyone. Reading Rainbow, the app. Reading Rainbow. Get that at the app Store and get that at the App Store for your iPhone or whatever.

[LeVar Burton]

IPad only.

[Adam Carolla]

IPad. IPad only.

[LeVar Burton]

It's about books.

[Adam Carolla]

So can you read on your phone?

[LeVar Burton]

Well, these are picture books for kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, don't get that. Where the Wild Things Are, though. It's such a horribly written book, really. The pictures are good, but the writing is horrific. Next story. So horrible. I thought it was from a. I really thought it was translated horrible.

[Dan O'Brien]

Next.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right. But other than that, no problem. You can Twitter levar@levarberton.

[LeVar Burton]

I'm gonna start following you on Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, please. I am. And listen, all you haters out there, everyone says, ah, you're so lazy. All you do is retweet stuff that other people give you. But it's shit. I said, so how can I plagiarize my own shit?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff. I said, listen, I talk all day and then once in a while, people figure out something.

[Brian Bishop]

I said, they go to the surety gems.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What'd I say? I had a good. I had a decent one about fireworks recently and I said it on someone's radio show and it was good, so why should I throw it out?

[Dave Damaschek]

And should not?

[Adam Carolla]

Someone handed it back to me, I retweeted it, and then everyone goes, oh, you just retweet your own shit. But it is my shit, so it's not Oscar Wilde shit that he tweeted about, you know, back in the day.

[Dave Damaschek]

If you were here, he might retweet his own shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Curating your gems. Good euphemism for masturbating.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. What is that tweet about fireworks? We'll find it. I retweeted one of Bob Bryant's jokes. Please. Now we gotta wait. We'll find it. I said it on somebody's radio show and I don't remember saying it.

[Dave Damaschek]

See, that's good. Everyone likes fireworks. Assholes aren't moved by them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there, that's funny. I forgot I said it. Then someone tweeted it to me, so I retweeted it. That part is not funny. My tweet. Prerogative. Alright, so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for the bar, Burton, Allison Rosen, and ball, Brian Sand. Mahalo. That retired kid you got to hang out and work with the rest of us.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right, that does it for today's parole of classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then and get it off.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

with everything we got. This is the mindset free.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Adam Carolla]

Huzzah.

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