Lisa Lampanelli + Illeana Douglas (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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The Adam Carolla Show: Lisa Lampanelli + Illeana Douglas (Carolla Classics)

Episode Date: December 6, 2025
Guests: Lisa Lampanelli, Illeana Douglas
Host: Adam Carolla
Regulars: Allison Rosen, Brian “Bald Bryan” Bishop

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode delivers some of the sharpest, funniest, and most candid content from the Adam Carolla Show archives. The classic segments include standout guest appearances by the “Queen of Mean” Lisa Lampanelli and acclaimed actress Illeana Douglas, plus regular contributors Allison Rosen and Bald Bryan. The show features Adam’s trademark pop culture rants, inside-Hollywood tales, a deep-dive into the art and agony of comedy roasts, and a running parody of “March Madness” for Allison’s love life.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Adam’s Take on Global Intervention and the Internet (07:04–18:39)

• Topic: International news—Libya airstrikes, Gaddafi, U.S. foreign policy
• Adam’s View: The Internet’s rise has made global events inescapable; atrocities can no longer be ignored ("Once you know what's going on… the world could not ignore that." — Adam Carolla, 10:04).
• Notable Analogy: Compares today's global moral obligations to technological advances in criminal justice—because of DNA, we can't "just grab a guy and throw him in the electric chair" anymore (11:18-11:47).
• Debate: Allison questions the selective nature of U.S. intervention. Adam argues the good people of the world need to unite against evil, even if it means "dragging their corpse into the light" (14:06).
• Comic Relief: "Bomb them into the present" (16:56, Bishop/Rosen) and jokes about Lady Gaga’s cultural infiltration.

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2. Social Commentary and Absurd News (18:45–29:35)

• Death of Knut the Polar Bear:
  • “It was so cute... I remember sitting at my job that I was unhappy at just looking at pictures of Knut and ovulating and then watching the panda cam.” — Allison Rosen (19:05)
  • Discussion of animal grief, projection, and viral animal phenomena.
• Guinness World Records:
  • Sumo wrestler runs the LA Marathon (heavyweight angle, comic riffs).
  • Adam’s running theme: marathoners as "ass wipes" who shut the city down for self-esteem.
• Heroic UFC Fighter:
  • Jon ‘Bones’ Jones subdues a mugger before his title fight—Adam fawns over Jones as the new athletic breed in MMA, “like Michael Jordan playing with Bob Cousy” (29:56).
  • Allison: “So you’ve heard of him?” Adam: “I don’t know who this Bones Jones guy is…” (31:00—tongue-in-cheek).

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3. Comedy Roasts & Inside Showbiz with Lisa Lampanelli (38:05–68:17)

• Comedy Central Roasts:
  • Adam and Lisa trade war stories about the logistics and psychological toll of roasting—who kills, who bombs, and what happens backstage ("She was a mess before the roast…" — Adam on Courtney Love, 39:31).
  • Intense breakdown of “The Situation” bombing at the Trump roast, the role of prompters, and how jokes are managed for overlap and fairness (“He’s so unlikable… to just go after everybody first, it don’t work” — Lampanelli, 49:34).
• Industry Satire:
  • Adam and Lisa ridicule clothing stores’ names and the indignities of show business—“Worst name ever is Dress Barn.” — Lisa Lampanelli, 50:09.
• Joke Fatigue and Wounds:
  • Discussion of who gets their feelings hurt at roasts, how Lisa weathers fat jokes, and the psychology behind comedic insult (“If you could control the weight thing, then I feel I failed. So those [jokes] would be the only ones that really dig ya.” — Lampanelli, 61:58).
• Aging and Stereotypes:
  • Absurdity of certain roast targets (age, old jokes, former stereotypes) and how the joke categories shift over time.

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4. The “Tournament of Rosen” – Allison’s Comedy Dating Brackets (69:20–83:41; 152:01–167:13)

• Concept: An “NCAA-style” bracket to find Allison’s ideal date—submitted entries are read, analyzed, and mock-judged.
• Panel Judging:
  • Lampanelli and Douglas offer brutally funny, sometimes cutting, critiques of the contestant bios.
  • Adam jokes that the winning contestant will get the "championship of your pussy" (75:10).
• Memorable Moments:
  • Allison: “This is why I’m single. This is what it’s like for me.” (83:06)
  • Lampanelli’s unmatched ability to eviscerate, e.g., describing a contestant: “He could be the Babe Ruth of rape.” (155:35)
  • Mock encouragement for guys to "clean up their look" for the next round (82:02).
• Judge’s Commentary:
  • Comic exaggeration, panel bickering, and constant jabs at the contestants’ sincerity, attractiveness, and age-fit.

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5. Hollywood Audition Hell with Illeana Douglas (131:38–179:12)

• Audition Horror Stories:
  • Adam and Illeana exchange stories about the indignities faced by experienced actors having to "dance" for producers (“She just came in and… at a certain point she just went, ‘You people know I… you know what I can do, right? …Why am I auditioning?’” — Adam on Rosanna Arquette’s meltdown, 134:28).
  • Illeana’s own brutal audition tales, including being dismissed mid-audition by director Alan Parker (136:10).
• Gender & Age in Casting:
  • The absurdity of chemistry reads, "hot blonde" privilege, ageism, and race-blind auditioning.
• Dating in LA:
  • Extended discussion about why it’s tough for single women in LA, especially those in entertainment (“I have to disagree. I really think… people just want to date sort of younger women.” — Illeana Douglas, 177:07).
  • Adam floats the theory that people ultimately get what they want in life if they truly want it—met with pushback.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Adam Carolla on Global Responsibility:
  • “If I took 2,000 people and put them inside an enclosure where you couldn't physically see them and then shot a cruise missile into it, it would not be the same as you seeing one person getting stabbed.” (25:53)
• Lampanelli on Standup Fatigue:
  • “If I couldn't get to a different level, I would have just quit. You get to that point.” (53:52)
• On Roasts and Sensitivity:
  • Adam: “Lisa always laughs at other people's jokes, and Lisa laughs at the jokes that are directed toward her. I think no one wants to get caught with that plate under their nose look when they come back to you.” (60:27)
• On the “Tournament of Rosen”:
  • Adam: “This is just gonna move him ahead to the next round — he'll lose to Fresno State at some point, you know what I’m saying?” (75:10)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------| | 07:04 | Libya/Airstrikes/Internet/World Affairs | | 18:45 | Knut the polar bear/news absurdities | | 26:14 | Guinness World Records/sumo marathon | | 29:03 | Jon ‘Bones’ Jones story | | 38:05 | Lisa Lampanelli/Comedy Roasts start | | 49:34 | “The Situation” at the Trump roast | | 69:20 | "Tournament of Rosen" (Allison's dating) | | 131:38 | Illeana Douglas joins—audition stories | | 152:01 | Tournament of Rosen resumes | | 169:32 | Adam and Illeana discuss LA dating |

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Episode Tone & Style

Classic “Adam Carolla Show”—irreverent, aggressively funny, no-holds-barred, with everyone in the room ready to roast or be roasted. Conversation zigzags from heartfelt (loss, sensitivity, dating woes) to gleefully cruel (contestant mockery, roast joke breakdowns), always keeping the audience engaged and off-balance.

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Summary for First-Time Listeners

This episode is a fast-paced tour of Adam Carolla’s world—comedy that spares no one, a peek behind the curtain at Hollywood’s cruel quirks, biting social commentary, and relentless competition (even for something as ridiculous as the “Tournament of Rosen”). Lisa Lampanelli delivers killer roast stories and industry wisdom, while Illeana Douglas peels back the curtain on audition humiliation and LA’s dating drought. The show is both a time capsule of early-2010s comedy and a timeless roast of human insecurity.

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available exclusively through podcast1dotplus. Sign up and get access to the entire archive of this show. Commercial free, dating back to the original episodes hosted by myself and Chris. And if you'd like to access the ad free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or get exclusive access the brand new.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast Beat It Out.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure to check out Adam Kroll substack adamcrolo.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcrolo.com all right, let's get to the clips. Coming first, we have Adam Kroll show 529. This one's from 2011 featuring Lisa Lampanelli, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. I hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald Brian. Well, you got the sound effects down. Yeah. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, again, we're going for the Guinness Book of World Records and it's the most downloaded podcast. Ricky Gervais is. He thinks his poo doesn't stink. He's over there in Mary old England, probably floating down the Thames as we speak, drinking tea.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, with his drinking tea.

[Adam Carolla]

With his drinking out, making fun of our celebrities. Let's do it for America, people. And I've said it once, I'll say it again, we don't do pledge drives on this show. The best thing you can do for this show is turn one of your friends onto it and they'll thank you. And I talk to so many people when I travel who do just that. And I thank you in advance for that. But again, we're going for the record. We'll tell you at the End of the week, how it went, whether we got it or not. We'll tabulate the votes and tally the votes. And in between, I would be perpetually and gratefully thankful if you just spoke to a friend, a loved one, a stranger, somebody you work with, somebody, and said, you know what? Subscribe to this. You're gonna dig what you hear. And again, going on our 530th show or so, and we got a lot of money wrapped into this, and God damn, do we got a lot of time. And I just feel it would be your little way of saying thank you. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll say in advance, you're welcome. So we'll go for that record and I'll explain as we go toward the end of the week, Lovett's Comedy Club. Coming up Thursday night, Pam Adlon, the voice of everything, and my wife and my ill fated sitcom. We'll show some of that. That'll be fun and surreal to see a pilot that's never been shown before. Also, Gilbert Godfrey gonna be on as well, so that we can look forward to the Wiltern Theater. Why do I hit the Wiltern Theater? Because it's my hometown theater. 5 21, May 21. Kimmel's coming out, too, and the first 500 tickets sold are getting the paperback version of the book in advance. Bonus copy and. And sign. And I'm really just begging you, don't embarrass me in my home field. That's all. I go out all across the country. We sell out theaters all across the country, and Wiltern is huge, and I'm scared no one's gonna be there. So I'm just begging you, buy a ticket and come on down.

[Brian Bishop]

When you and Kimmel shared the stage at last for Bald Brian, that's what I heard the most feedback about. Not the acts, about Kimmel and you drinking beer on stage from the people who attended. So always a good time.

[Adam Carolla]

We shall be hoisting another.

[Brian Bishop]

Jimmy and beer are involved.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. All right, Allison Rosen. We got to no news last night because I was so chatty. And we had so much going on that I thought. You know what? I want you to think about your news. I'm gonna do a quick spot for Sledgehammer, and then we're going right into news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what else I can say about Sledgehammer other than I drink this wine every single night. They're our sponsor, they give us the booze, and I happily lap it up when I get home from this Very podcast. Somewhere between the time we stop doing this and the time my head hits the pillow, I will have consumed at least three quarters of a bottle of this magic elixir. And from the time we stop doing the show to the time it first touches my lips is probably average, about 19 minutes. It takes about 14 minutes to get home. Takes about a minute and a half to open it. And I usually leave a little padding for yelling at Donnie or petting my dog. 19 minutes. Good stuff. Is it the best wine in the world?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No, it's not. It's just good wine, and it's reasonably priced and you don't know the difference. It's solid, it's hearty. It's sort of a dude's wine. It doesn't have legs. It's not assertive without being pushy. It just comes in a bottle, by the way, that you could kill somebody with. I mean, you whack them over the head with that thing. It is a lot. You could make three bottles out of the glass they use in one of these bottles. I don't know what the deal is. The wine is so strong it can't be contained with any other.

[Brian Bishop]

Good for fending off imaginary attackers. Once you drink the whole bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

Once you take the whole bottle of your head, you can. But it is frustrating when I bang it on my counter and yell, who wants some? And I hold up a complete bottle again, and then I whack it on again. I go, who wants? Do not bring the sledgehammer into a biker bar. Whack it onto the oak railing of the bar and yell, who wants them? Because you'll be just holding up an intact sledgehammer bottle. But anyway, good people. And they got a little deal for you guys, and it's just a limited free shipping and a good discount for you. Go to sledgehammerwine.com, use the promo code, Ace. They're young. They're getting on their feet. They're just like we are. They're good people and good sponsors. Go to sledgehammerwine.com, use the promo code. Was it Ace? Yeah, I think it was. All right, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

He gave me so much time to ponder the news. I think I psyched myself out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's hear what a psyched out Allison Rosen sounds like with the news.

[Podcast Announcer]

From the international news center next to Donnie mini bikes. This is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

So, a quick update on the Libya situation. Third day of airstrikes. There's some question about whether Gaddafi is a target or not. The Pentagon has said he is not a target. But then there are people saying, no, he is a target. There's also word that, you know, he may stay in power.

[Adam Carolla]

It's doing an awesome job. Seems like a delight.

[Allison Rosen]

No, we're saying that possibly he will stay in power, but I think we all hope that's not the case.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks like if I'm looking a picture of Mormar now.

If Manny Pacquiao and Fergie got together of the Black Eyed Peas, had a kid and they raised it in one of those fruit drying machines you see online.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Where you can like, hey, save. Save millions and dry your own pineapple. Like one of, one of those things.

[Allison Rosen]

I wish I knew the name of this off the top of my head. I feel like I should.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And then that kid was raped by Benito Santiago and raised in Caesar's palace.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you would be looking at.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so glad you guys finished that off for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I really don't like the way he does his makeup. But anyway, Gates says that we are going to be handing off the, you know, bulk of the fighting in a matter of days, not a matter of weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Rebels apparently are optimistic. And fighters, well, if I know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Region of the world, they will replace him with an even better despot. So it's going to be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's my concern as well. So what, what are your thoughts on us being over there doing this?

[Adam Carolla]

My thoughts are, as I've stated many times, the Internet. And.

We used to be.

A world where we're over here and you're over there and, you know, fucking go at it. Nut jobs. Do whatever you want to yourselves or to each other or to your neighboring countries. Because, like, we're over here. And now everyone has a camera that streams video and everyone has an Internet whatever. And everyone can sync everything up and everyone can hop on a flight and for 300 bucks get about wherever they want in the world. And not only can we go over there, they can come over here and it really is that global. Whatever. Now it's global. Everything's just global. I mean, whether you're a company or whoever you are, everything is just global. It's really a planet now and it's happened. I mean, maybe it's.

[Allison Rosen]

So you think it's our responsibility because.

[Adam Carolla]

We know maybe it's the Internet. Well, once you know what's going on, like if we were sitting around seeing vivid images of the Holocaust, you know, when we're done masturbating, I think it Would be time for. I only said that because you're Jewish.

You'd have to do something. The world could not, could not ignore that.

[Allison Rosen]

There's arguments that. We did ignore it for a while, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I said vivid images. There's a difference between somebody scuttlebutt, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you hear what they're doing to the Jews?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not people gossiping about burning Jews, you know? No.

[Allison Rosen]

Mabel, what's the 411?

[Adam Carolla]

They say they're cooking some Jews, but I don't believe them. 22 Skidoo. How about another knee high? Did you hear what?

[Brian Bishop]

Herschel.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the Jews, you can't trust them as far as you can throw them. That's what I say.

[Brian Bishop]

Good point.

[Allison Rosen]

So here's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's what I'm saying. You cannot, the world cannot take a look at large scale whatever, and turn their heads. They would like to. You're forced to. You're sort of. Sort of like, here's what it is. Back in the day, if there was a crime, hey, that white chick got raped. All right? Just go find any black guy wandering around that smells like beer and we'll just throw him in the electric chair. And everyone is sort of like, yeah, all right, good enough. My name is Tyrone Washington. Yeah, he'll do. Throw him in. Sounds good. Made no big deal about it.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a law on the books at the time, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Find a guy named Tyrone Washington and cook him up. Fine. And then DNA evidence started coming up and all that. And now we sort of technologically could know the truth. And so you're sort of. Now you're compelled. Like you go, listen, you can't just grab a guy and throw him in the electric chair. You have to get some DNA and if his DNA doesn't, fake it or fudge it. But you can't do it now. The technology is caught up and we're not going to tolerate it.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I would say if someone was showing me vivid images of a color, mega pixel, whatever, of the Holocaust, you know, circa 1939 or whenever, whenever things really got kicked over there in Poland, the world would have to go, well, we don't like the Jews and we don't feel like doing anything, but we're sort of compelled to. Just like the court would go, we don't really like black guys, but we're kind of compelled to with this goddamn DNA evidence. So now the world is sort of compelled. This is what you're seeing. It's not like this shit hasn't been going on for millions of years, especially in that fucking shithole part of the world. But it's always been going on. But what happens now? CNN is running the shit 24 7. And now people are looking around and they're going, what are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? And now all the leaders got the fuck I guess we got just like the small town racist sheriff has to go. They have ballistics reports now. They have DNA. They have all this shit now. And we can't just railroad dudes.

[Allison Rosen]

I just still think it's sort of inconsistent when we choose to get involved versus when we don't. Mm. But here's just a detail that I think is a nice touch.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I think as I've said before, the world is just divided. It's just. It's black and white, it's good and evil, and we have to get. The good folks have to all just get on the same page and just go, look, that's it. It's now sort of game on worldwide. And if you're going to try to commit genocide.

Genocide on your upon your people, or you're gonna enslave them, or you're gonna be this kind of evil despot, banana republic dictator, the good forces of good are just gonna have to take you out. That's about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam Carolla's nuanced view of world politics.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, where do you think it's gonna be in 25 years?

Where was it 25 years ago? Where do you think it's gonna be? Well, the Middle east gonna be a piece of shit. And there's always going to be troublemakers running all around that region. And the only difference is the rest of the world is going to have to sort of band together and go in there and take their toys away from them.

[Allison Rosen]

I just hope we're not still fighting these wars in 25 years.

[Adam Carolla]

I suspect.

I don't suspect it's going to end. And it's not because of us. It's because of them. They need to be dragged or killed essentially into this new world order, which is not stoning people and not raping people and not committing genocide against people. And they're gonna be brought into the light. And sometimes we'll just have to drag their corpse into the light. That's what I hope. A predator drone drags their corpses. We need. We need. We need to either kill them or let them know it's not okay. That's all I know. You don't Agree with that. But it's the same. It's the same with any. Any.

[Allison Rosen]

I felt like it would work. I could be swayed to agree with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it will work. It can work. It has worked before. I mean, what. Why did we. We got involved with many other wars. You know, World War I, World War II. We got involved with those wars. We could have argued. There were a lot of people who didn't want us to get involved with those wars. Japan was a very different place before that than it is now.

[Allison Rosen]

They sort of got it entrenched ideology, and it was just more clean cut, what the objectives were. Like. I look at this as more like a situation like Iraq or Afghanistan where it's like, what the fuck? Or Vietnam, like, what the fuck are we doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Vietnam was. We were doing the right thing, which is communism, which is evil, was trying to take over. And half the country was with the communists and the other half wasn't. And we were trying to support the ones that weren't communists. And it didn't work out. But the plan.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why we're communists.

[Adam Carolla]

The plan was there. I mean, the plan was. I mean, I feel like we're right most of the time. I mean, you take a look at Berlin, east and West Berlin, it's pretty clear which sides was doing well and what side wasn't doing well. And we were on the side of the side that was doing well. Like, we wanted to support that side throughout the world, really. And I think we're still there. But you can kind of replace communism with, I don't know, radical Islam or whatever it is. When you stand back and you look at communism, if you stand back, you look at all that sort of Cold War business. They were wrong and we were right. I don't say they were wrong and we were perfect. They just. Overall, more people would have rather been involved in our system than the communist system.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, I read Animals. I know what time it is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm just saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian wanted to say something.

[Brian Bishop]

I just like your idea of bombing someone out of the Stone Age. Because usually it's their way around. Bomb them back to the Stone Age.

[Allison Rosen]

No, rather bomb them into the future.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna bomb you out of the Stone Age.

[Allison Rosen]

They're into the present.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, that whole thing of, like, we're creating more terrorists by killing terrorists. I don't buy it.

[Brian Bishop]

Just keep killing them, creating more pieces of terrorists.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. It's a good point. Yeah, I got you again. I got some terrorists on my new loafers. Yeah. No, kill the terrorists and get their kids. See their kids. Here's the deal. We cannot. The information is what's going to kill these people. Essentially, it's gonna stop the new generations from coming up that it's what starts these Facebook revolutions. You know, they're not going to be able to avoid Lady Gaga. Fucking sad as that is, they're not gonna be able to avoid it. They're all gonna have their fucking iPhones and they're all gonna be exposed to everything and they're gonna be hearing. In the past it was all that stuff is built on propaganda. All that Soviet bullshit, all the Nazi bullshit and a lot of the Islamic radical bullshit. It's all fucking propag. Start getting the truth. It's hard to recruit. It's like.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like saying, Gaga, bomb them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, lady bomb, bomb. No, I'm saying it's like you can't start a cult with healthy people who have high self esteem and access to information. Need a bunch of fucking broken survivors of incest who can't. Who have no television.

[Allison Rosen]

Them with Lady Gaga and Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's heal them.

[Adam Carolla]

Load them up. All right. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

No problem.

[Adam Carolla]

So we kill this batch and then the new batch gets the Lady Gaga on the iPhone and everything's cool.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Either that or a whole bunch of Inigo Montoyas. But I think you're cool with the Lady Gagas.

[Allison Rosen]

Newt, the polar bear died. Yes. Do you remember Newt?

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was so cute.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Now there's Newt as an adult. That's how some people will remember him. But I remember him as a polar bear cub.

[Adam Carolla]

I do too.

[Allison Rosen]

Newt mania swept the world in 2007.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I remember sitting at my job that I was unhappy at. Just looking at pictures of Newt and ovulating and then watching the pandacam. So this is hitting people pretty. Pretty hardly.

[Adam Carolla]

They said pandacam.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I would go back and forth between looking at nude and then also looking at the pandacam. So.

Oh, God, look at Katie's gazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this, let me make this assertion. Is there any greater chasm in cuteness between the baby cub, whatever. Panda bears, polar bears, whatever it is, and the super unattractive people that raise them. You know what I mean? Like this.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. As opposed to diesel diners holding them start to look like their dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like there's not a huge difference between supermodels and hairstylists. There's a hairstylist usually kind of hot too. Even if they're gay. But the. The scary. The scary chicks that raise these things are the crazy looking dudes with the ponytails. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The only thing I can think of, and it's very specific, but, like, when the time that an actress has to train to be. Go to actor boot camp and train to be like a female soldier, the ones that train her, I'm sure there's a much greater chasm. You know, G.I.

[Podcast Announcer]

Jane.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sure there were no Demi Moores behind the cameras.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And usually when they portray the. Whoever it is, you know, the hero, the soldier, the actual person was doing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we were soldiers or whatever it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

So Newt died alone in his compound without warning.

[Adam Carolla]

So sad.

[Allison Rosen]

He was four years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally a fish bear. No warning.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no. He didn't even leave a note.

[Adam Carolla]

I sound one of those air horn regattas before die. That's me. Anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's a postmortem being conducted today. There's speculation that Newt died from stress relating to three female bears in his enclosure. As in captivity, polar bears can live to the age of 30. And apparently visitors to the zoo complained that newt was being bullied and shunned by the three female bears.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, which is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Bullied or shunned? I don't feel it was emotional bullying.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like you're either getting bullied or shunned. You can't be bullied.

[Allison Rosen]

Stockholm syndrome. They would. They would bully him and then shun him.

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently I've been both. You've been bullied and shunned at this. But same.

[Brian Bishop]

Not simultaneously, but in the same span.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course it wouldn't work simultaneously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a push pull.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how you drive a bear insane.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on, dude. Standard.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me say this about. Let me say this about the polar.

[Allison Rosen]

Bear goes against the Geneva Convention as.

[Adam Carolla]

Far as stress go. The bullying and the shunning, by the way, this is just more.

[Allison Rosen]

Zookeepers say that's not true, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course it's not. You know what it is? Super lonely. Bullied and shunned, people looking at the bear. I mean, those people look projecting. They look at clouds and go, that cloud's being bullied by that other cloud and that other one's being shunned. Have you not seen it happen? See what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Especially with cumulus clouds, they get all bunchy and then.

[Adam Carolla]

This is so sad, sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

It's so sad the way that I.

[Allison Rosen]

Think that clouds can bully Other clouds open your heart, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I was using it as a crazy example. Oh, my goodness. Ryan, did you hear that?

[Brian Bishop]

Gone off the rails here a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Okay. The point is this. They're transferring their emotions over to the bear. Here's how you know polar bears.

Cannot die from being stressed out. They jump into freezing Arctic water and swim for 20 miles.

[Allison Rosen]

The sweet irony of you saying there's.

[Adam Carolla]

A club named after them.

[Allison Rosen]

Crazy people that jump into cold water in New York. So, anyway, here's the irony, though.

Newt sort of, like, wheeled around in a circle a couple times and then lost his footing and then fell into the water, and that's when he died. And there's a video of this, and I sent it to Mike and Katie with the subject line, polar bear snuff. And I said, I don't know if we should show this or not. And they're both emotionally scarred now because they watched it. I feel really bad. Katie cried. Apparently she's shaking her head, but she.

[Adam Carolla]

Tweeted about it, and they. And. And this is the actual footage of him dying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's upsetting, so I don't think we should watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. I thought they came in and found him dead, but they came in and found him floating in the water is what you're saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they. They found him floating in the water. The zoo officials found him floating in the water.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is from the polar bear cam that's just sort of mounted?

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is from a visitor to the zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's from a tourist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Like you said, they came in and found him dead. That was like, the next morning or something. Interesting. Well, now we have to see it.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me ask you something. If you're that tourist, you take the video and you witness a Polaroid's death, you ask for a refund.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

You really want to see? I'm just. I'm warning you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's upsetting.

[Allison Rosen]

It's upsetting.

[Adam Carolla]

He's turning around. He's turned around. He's in distress two, three times.

[Allison Rosen]

Something going on with his left paw?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's holding his left paw in the air, much like a heart attack. Mm.

Yeah. He seems emotionally distressed. Well, let me ask this. You know, we have nutty people that have nutty polar bears. Like, you know, maybe it's just.

[Allison Rosen]

Aww, look, he's having trouble standing.

[Adam Carolla]

He's getting dizzy now. He seems sort of disoriented. He seems like he's having a seizure.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, he just fell in the water.

[Adam Carolla]

It Looked like he's having a seizure at this point. And I'm guessing he then drowned.

[Allison Rosen]

Newt's final moments. Well, that's why they're doing an autopsy or necropsy to find out.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad. Weird. It was like he was having a seizure.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But it didn't seem like he was being bullied, possibly shunned. It's hard to tell.

[Allison Rosen]

That could have been right in the middle of the shunning.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad. He'll be missed. The.

[Allison Rosen]

I actually, when I heard about this, I felt like someone close to me died. And then I thought, wow, it's weird that this is bringing up so much emotion in me. Much more emotion than what's going on in Japan is bringing up in me. And then I just felt uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. It's weird how we work.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Like tragedy fatigue.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also weird that you can get. That you can get upset about. You can see footage of, you know, a cruise liner sinking and know that there are 2,000 people on the cruise liner and not have the same feeling as seeing the one disturbed animal clearly in the last moments of its life falling.

[Allison Rosen]

Identify with the vulnerability of the animal.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's literally about seeing it happen like you need to physically. If I took 2,000 people and put them inside an enclosure where you couldn't physically see them and then shot a cruise missile into it, it would not be the same as you seeing one person getting stabbed.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Right.

So speaking of Guinness World Records, as we were earlier, a 400 pound sumo wrestler set the Guinness World Record as the heaviest man to complete the LA marathon. Oh, Kelly Knighting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He finished on Sunday in 9 hours, 48 minutes and 52 seconds. And he weighed 396.2 pounds after the marathon.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Smashing the past world record of 275 pounds and beating his 2008 marathon time of 11 hours, 52 minutes and 11 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be nice to see him going in a circle and falling into a lake sometime soon. He has a shirt. He has a shirt that says attack on it, but I imagine it says heart above. Above that. Although I can't see. It's got the Honda sticker.

[Brian Bishop]

Prophecy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm so glad it rained on all those ass wipes. It was. Ugh. Fucking shut the city down so they can prove something to themselves. Knock it off. You and your fucking marathoning. Here's the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

He jogged the first 8 miles and then walked the final 18, saying afterward that he lost track of where he was after mile 10 because he felt.

[Adam Carolla]

Delirious yeah, but also, he doesn't look like a sumo wrestler to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, me neither.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like a fat guy who might wrestle with other fat guy.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a fat Irish guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and he's the world's lightest sumo wrestler as well.

But either way, it would suck to have that guy pass you.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of suck, his shirt. Getting sucked into his belly button.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like he's got it. Like.

I think maybe he just has it, like, tied.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but it really.

[Allison Rosen]

It really does appear to be getting sucked in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like. It really is like a wood chipper. Like. Like, it's. It's things just being sucked into it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a black hole.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna fly out of his ass like confetti.

You just keep feeding things into it, and it just shoot out, like, pulp out of his ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a paper shredder?

[Adam Carolla]

No, like a wood chipper. Like, I had it right the first time.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm just translating it for people who do more with paper than wood. My ear is bleeding right now. I could be dying. So don't look at me like there's something wrong with my paper shredder analogy, which I'll admit was extraneous.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weaker version of the wood chipper, but go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

What's happening with my ear or with the news?

[Adam Carolla]

Both. What's going on with your ear?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I don't know. There's blood coming out of it, and I think that means I might be dying.

[Adam Carolla]

It could.

[Allison Rosen]

Or I poked myself with my earring earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, here's an interesting story about a UFC star who took down a robber before a fight. UFC fighter John Bones Jones, who had a fight Saturday night in New Jersey against Shogun Rua, became a bit of a hero before the fight.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's hua for some reason, and I don't know. I know it's R U A, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, I stand corrected. This guy, Bones Jones, is a phenom, and he's the next. He's gonna be the biggest name in the sport, and he's the youngest, one of the youngest guys to hold the belt. He won the fight Saturday night, and it'll be one of these things where you'll be hearing from this guy for a long time, because he is the first dude. There's been this sort of evolution. Sorry for picking my nose in front of you. This evolution in mixed martial arts of started sort of a tough man competition with a lot of guys, big guts, kind of swinging it out like a bar fight. Then it started to get into, well, I'm going to take my black belt and taekwondo and mix it in with a little collegiate wrestling and mix that in with a little boxing. And this is sort of, this sort of.

Mishmash of different things. He's the first pure athlete that is really just doing the sport like it's the sport he's training for, versus I'm converting my boxing into the ufc, or I'm converting my wrestling. He's a wild athlete who does crazy athletic moves and kicks people on the side of the head when they, when they don't see it coming, and comes in and does like a handspring and a cartwheel. And he's long. He's like, has a huge reach advantage and he's still like thin. And he just does these incredible physical maneuvers. It's sort of like a Michael Jordan playing with Bob Cousy kind of thing. All of a sudden this guy's bringing this crazy physical talent. Whereas before, it's like the set shot and all the standard disciplines and you know, the dribbling and even the guys that were good making 22 points a game, we're not doing crazy one handed, you know, tomahawk dunks. He is now the new future of the sport, but before the fight.

[Allison Rosen]

So you've heard of him?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know who this Bones Jones guy is.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, he, he scored a TKO victory that night and became the youngest champion in UFC history. But before that, who's that? This guy, Jones. Bones Jones. He's really long and he does handsprings.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves himself some Jesus Christ too.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, maybe that's his secret.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, he was refreshing to see a black athlete. But go ahead, embrace the.

[Allison Rosen]

He was meditating at a park in Patterson, New Jersey, which was his pre fight ritual. Perhaps he was commuting with his man Jesus. When he heard a woman scream, I've been robbed. He began chasing the man for a good distance, I guess she pointed out the man. And when the fighter caught up with the alleged robber, he knocked the guy's leg out from under, legs out from under him, and then placed him in a figure 4 leg lock until cops arrived. Yeah, and he said it was a great pre fight warmup for me.

[Adam Carolla]

There is nothing you could do if that guy caught up to you. And he would, because he's like I say, he's a great athlete. And that guy's just one of these guys where he's a Swiss army knife of fighting. Meaning it ain't Just a small blade and a big blade. It's 20 different things in a toothpick magnifying glass. He literally. You wouldn't know if he was gonna put the ball of his foot under the bridge your nose or if he was gonna do some spinning back elbow thing that hits you in the back of the head or he was gonna punch you in the face or he was just gonna shoot down low on you and throw you down, submit you like.

[Allison Rosen]

So do you think the fact that I took cardio kickboxing classes, well, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Could handle him if that's your ass.

[Allison Rosen]

I could do jumping jacks all over him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's. But by the way, no worse time to rob somebody and run into a guy because the night of the fight, I mean, you train to peak. Essentially, you don't start your training six months before a fight, you won't peak. Although he only had six weeks to train for this fight was a quickie. Long story. The point is this, the night you don't you want to run into the dude the day after the fight where at least he's got a fucking couple stitches in him or is a dislocated elbow or something. That night he is trained and is essentially good training means you peak that night like you're at your best. You're at your all time best at that one moment. And to run into that dude a couple hours before the fight had to be the fucking worst thing ever. Anyway, it was good times.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of sports, I think it's time to go into bracket number three of my My Love Life.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Hold on. I had. Were you reading the thing up there?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I thought you wanted to wait, but I'm happy to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, I'm not sure what it say. Oh, oh, oh, I'm confused because we're getting a message that said whose name's on the door? Go to book excerpt.

[Allison Rosen]

Which.

[Adam Carolla]

But, but we do. Not talking about my book. No, fake book. But. But we're thinking about. Yeah, yeah, let's do that. Let's do them both. Okay. Now that I've slowed us down enough, you got your. Now you're writing a book called what.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd Expect if I Were Expecting is the memoir about my pregnancy that I am writing before I am actually pregnant. I don't have plans to be pregnant immediately, but you know, if the next thing goes right into brackets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, once I'm pregnant, I'm not gonna have time to write a memoir. So I thought I'd write.

Now I do have to Say, on yesterday's show, I read the excerpt where I was under the impression that my baby was also pregnant.

[Adam Carolla]

But that scared me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. It scared me as well. But in the time in between that excerpt and the one I'm gonna read now, I realized I was just reading the ultrasound wrong. My baby's not pregnant. I did plant a tree in the baby's baby's honor, just in case.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you planted a tree?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in case.

[Allison Rosen]

In case the baby's baby. Yeah, but I think I was just. I think it was just.

[Adam Carolla]

You may have misread the ultrasound.

[Allison Rosen]

I think so. It happens for a new mother like me.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, a mother to be a lot of stress.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So anyway, chapter six. Yesterday, I brought a psychic with me to my doctor's appointment to have her read my baby's palm. Can I just tell you, it did not go well. We were there for what felt like hours, just waiting and waiting for Miss Thing to put her tiny palm close to the ultrasound to get a clear view. Can Mommy get a high five? Come on, give mommy a high five, I kept saying, but her royal shyness was having none of it. I could tell the lab tech was getting tired of us because they shut off the air around 5pm I was sweating. And so was Desdemona the psychic, but she was a real trooper.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

She just removed one of her head scarves and didn't even make a peep. Finally, around hour six, I gave up. I stopped for Froyo on the way home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe my baby doesn't trust me. But then I was all, wait a minute. Maybe she just doesn't trust psychics. Just because I'm spiritual, not religious, doesn't mean my baby is that way too. Maybe she's Episcopalian or Lutheran, or maybe she's something cool and exotic like Hindu or Baha' I Faith or Unitarian. I vowed to let her be herself and not foist my views on her, even though it's in my nature because I'm a Leo.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that is so strong.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, future chapters include A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Fertility Clinic. Einstein, Jesus, Oprah, and Two good therapists. The five dinner guests every pregnant woman should have on speed dial. And how do you make a pregnant hormone? Two words. Skinny jeans.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that is good. And the idea that that person would be single is upsetting to me.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It really is.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that could. Oh, wait. The person who wrote it or the person who is in it.

[Adam Carolla]

The person who Wrote it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The person who wrote it's tragic.

[Allison Rosen]

It's troubling.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what's up with it now? You guys tell me when Lampanelli shows up, and I'll pull the plug on this steam.

[Brian Bishop]

English.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, Lampanelli is here. She is. Oh, she is. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, now you're hoist on your own petard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to do something.

[Adam Carolla]

I will say this. Let's toss it up when they're here. Just so keep a habit of doing that. So should we bring in Lampanelli? Why don't we bring in Lampanelli and do the brackets with Lampanelli? That's what I think. All right, quick break. The queen of mean and really a woman I've grown to love over the years, the great Lisa Lampanelli. Next.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Danny Bonaduce is here. Danny. He's the only person here who was in a good, good band.

[Podcast Announcer]

The queen of mean, Lisa Lampanelli on the Adam Corolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the Gene Simmons roast.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was that from?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

God, like four years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I missed the douche man. Every day. Lisa Lampanelli. I just love Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa's been doing the show throughout the years. Sar. And the Roast of Trump just the other week. Boy. Nothing. There's. I'll tell you, I don't know anything on TV that makes the sort of water cooler conversation like one of those Comedy Central rows. And we were talking about off the air about putting Mike the situation on that show. Does Comedy Central know what they're doing when they do that? In the sense that this guy's gonna go down in flames and that's gonna get people talking.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know what's weird? I don't think they're smart enough to do that. This is what I think wants everybody to do well because then other celebrities will agree to do it. So, like, for instance, like right now, if Snooki watched him going down in flames, they're never gonna. She's never gonna sign up to do a roast.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So I don't think they want anybody to fail, but I think they're usually happy he did because that got so much publicity. All they want is for people to watch it. Like the year that Courtney Love, you were there, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

She misbehaves and everything. Then it gets press. So Comedy Central is happy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. She was a mess. She was a mess before the roast and we were in the makeup room. She was a mess. She was a mess during the roast and I don't remember anything from the roast other than having to pee really badly for about three hours. But I do remember saying when I was doing it, which was, it's so sad that she used to do concerts when she was with Hole, and if she ever pulled her shirt up, the entire audience would go crazy. And now she threatens to pull her shirt up. An entire room goes, dear God, no.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know, I know, man, that's gotta.

[Adam Carolla]

Be a tough transition for a lady.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It has to be. I say they think you should always start as only decently looking so you can't fall far down, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. Look at her. Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Look at Jimmy Kimmel's face.

[Allison Rosen]

I love Kim's face on that.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God. Pam Anderson. And I don't know why she was even there. Is Pam friends with these people?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how it works. I think it's one of these things where somebody goes, hey, Pam Anderson, you want to do a roast? And then she says, I'm not hungry. And then she says, no, it's called a roast. And she says, I don't cook. And then she says, a roast. And she said, what part of don't cook don't you understand? And then at some point, her agent or manager pulls her aside and says, there are these things called the fryers. And then she goes, enough with the cooking already. I'm a vegan. And at some point, somebody just tells her, some old Jew says, yes, who? You should do this. Yep. As old and as chewy as I could get. And for this, you should do. That's what you do. That's what. You just mix it up. You put your words into one of those hoppers they used to play bingo with. Now, for this you should do.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're Yoda.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is your Yoda. You're saying Judah? Yeah.

So you're essentially somebody then says, you should do this, and she doesn't know what it is. And then they go, we'll give 50 grand to Peter or something. And she goes, well. And then the person that wants her to do it knows that because she's not very familiar with it. She goes, oh, it's just Jeff. Who's that? Lisa Lamp. Who's that? Adam Crow. Who's that? She doesn't know anyone. Is. There's gonna be sitting there to make a couple of innocent jokes, and everything will be cool. So I never feel like they fully.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. Understand it because people drop out all the time. Like this year, Bret Michaels was supposed to do It. I heard and watched a few of the roasts and was like, forget it. You know, they just really feel like it must might be fun, and then they see it ain't fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like for him, he was like, I'm in. And then his bandana and weird hairpiece.

[Ileana Douglas]

Went, no, I cannot do this is not all right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not all right. Ah, come on.

Well, I'll put the weird stiff cowboy hat on that weird, weird rocker. Like 80 guys jizzed on it and then dried it out in the sun. Weird cowboy, like hard. What is the hard curled up? The crunchy cowboy hat.

[Brian Bishop]

Molded cowboy.

[Adam Carolla]

Molded cowboy hat. And Brett was like. To the bandana, he's like, I'll put the old cowboy hat. And that cowboy's like, no, the.

[Podcast Announcer]

You won't.

[Adam Carolla]

He's black. He's like, you ain't put. No, no, we ain't going out there. And the cowboy hat. The banana said, crunchy cowboy hat and weird bandana said, we ain't doing it because I can't take any more jokes about my fucking hair. And that was. That was it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, because damn night.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he sounds like.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Him and him and Trump in the same room with their hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know, that was gonna be a massively cool thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you. You had to know going in and I watch it. You were great as. As per usual. And I think you let off.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I do that from now on. I can't take clothes in anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's too much for first off, that it. First off, I must say, it is like.

Emotionally first off, it's like one of these things where whenever they have fight night, they have like five fights and then they have one extra dude. And. And the dude. The thing with the extra dude is if the first three or four fights are first round knockouts, you're fighting, right? If not, you can just fucking pace around back here for six hours wondering if you're ever going to get in that ring or not. There could be no more tor for a human being. And going at the end of a roast is A, you just scratching jokes off of your list that other people make, and B, just pacing. Am I gonna work?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did the situation just fuck the room up so badly I can never get it back. Like, how's this gonna work?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, thank God that new guy. Did you see the new kid? Anthony Jesnik? He killed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was great.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So he brought them back after the situation. But the funniest thing happened the night before the roast Jeff Ross is known for going around to the comedy clubs in New York and trying out the material.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying out the material. Tell your face. Y been trying that out since high school.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I. I get it. I get it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying out new material.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But the joke's about the people. So what happens is Jimmy, big balls, my husband, was going to the clubs with one of my writers. So they bump into Jeff Ross, and Jimmy says innocently to Jeff Ross, he goes, so how do you feel closing, huh? And he goes, oh, I'm fine. And Jimmy goes, so you probably have like a lot more jokes than you used to have when you used to go early and goes, what are you talking about? He goes, oh, when Lisa used to close, she'd have like 30 pages and cross them out till it was about five at the end. He goes, jeff Ross turned white as a freaking ghost and goes, I gotta go. And ran out. So he must have written that day or something. Yeah, tell your face.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying out new material. He tried that out in 88.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But how do you try out material if the people aren't sitting there? Do you understand? Like, it's really. How do you say, hey, pretend you're Donald Trump? I think if the jokes are good and the crew laughs at him in dress rehearsal, that's when it happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, first off, you bring up dress rehearsal, right? And. And want to get into this, because I don't really remember doing a dress rehearsal.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Maybe not dress. You bring your outfit to make sure it looks decent for the camera. And also you just go over your material on teleprompter to make sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and that was the other thing I was gonna say, which is it used to be that the roast master had the prompter loaded up because they were sort of emceeing the thing, and that everyone else would just go up there with like cards or papers or notes or whatever it was and literally be scratching them off as you want. Right now it seems like no one ever looks down anymore. So I think they just. They just figured, let's put everything on the prompt.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, most people want it. I do. Because what happens is now the producer's smart enough to say, look, you know, Lisa, could you cut out your Anderson Cooper reference, cuz Larry King's gonna have one. So in other words, a lot of the stuff doesn't go on top of each other anymore. So I like that so much better. There's a lot less pressure with. But still, it sucks to close. So my thing is, I want to open for the rest of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? So the deal is, see, back in the day, it was like a poker tournament. You had your cards, I had my cards. There's a crazy Asian guy wearing a pair of sunglasses no one liked, and he had his cards, and no one knew what anyone else's hand was. And it was hard. If you went last, you were taking your chances because you could have the exact same hair joke. But now, if everyone's going to load it up in the prompter, then the producer can go, hey, Lisa.

[Ileana Douglas]

Right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And he's goes, I'm gonna do it for your own good. Just could you cut that? And they're really cool. Like, they let you keep some.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, what else is the thing that's weird too, that I've been noticing. And again, I'm just showing my age. They used to. It's now turned into a little bit of a science where it used to just be a clusterfuck. It was essentially get a bunch of funny people, give them a bunch of booze, let them go up there with a notepad, and they'll do 20 minutes and we'll whack, whack it down to three and a half. And I mean, I saw Dick Gregory go up there and just literally do 40 minutes of how Hugh Hefner was a civil rights pioneer. And by the way, none of it was funny. It was just old black guy was rambling on for 40 minutes. It was like the guy from the Uncle Ben's rice box just fucking talking your ass off about slavery for 40 minutes. Like, I'd never been more bored in my life. And then Gilbert Godfrey came in and started doing jokes about 9, 11. And while they were still smoldering, the buildings were smoldering down the street. And then. And then went into the Aristocrats.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

But somebody said at some point, hey, let's not make it a nine hour ceremony anymore. Let's shorten it up. Let's get. So how long does it physically last?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It only was like 45 minutes longer, you know, because they cut out for time. Like, they really didn't edit too much material out of it, but they just had to make it with the commercial and everything. But I think when the Friars stopped being involved, it used to. It was an hour and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Hour and a half. So you're only on stage now 10 minutes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I mean, physically, all of us. Yeah, probably two and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Two. Right. But it's not one of those things. We're on hour number four and you gotta piss so bad. You just, you just.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I just Think the producers got smarter, and they were just like, look, you know what? Everybody cut down to eight. I'm not gonna tolerate it.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to pee in Courtney Love's mouth. I did.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Wow. Was it good?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know where else to go. And it's. And she was kind of cool with it, and a little more than cool.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

She wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Yeah, so. So you get eight minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And because I was like. I was watching the situation.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was awesome. And I was saying, why did they not cut out or cut down or trim down? Did they know what they were doing at that point?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, here's the thing. He was stumbling over the teleprompter a lot. Because my feeling is, I don't know if he went into rehearse, you know, because we don't see each other's rehearsals.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to go with no.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So, like Marlee Matlin, for instance, went into rehearsals, came off flawless because she banged it out. Snoop. Same thing with Snoop Situation. Believe it or not, that was half of what he did.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I wanted.

[Allison Rosen]

And that was the best out.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, that was probably. I mean, it was all equally horrendous. Now, here's what I feel. Comedy Central didn't do right by him, but they didn't know. I personally think he should have went up, made fun of himself first, goofed on himself a little bit in relation to Donald Trump, then shit all over everybody. But he's so unlikable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

To just go after everybody first, it don't work, Right? This guy. I mean, he's not a likable dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, to go after everyone and not be funny doing it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And, you know, even, like, one of the producers said to me, she goes, oh, I had to go out today and buy Situation a suit. And, like, who the fuck is buying my clothes for this?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Like, he didn't even buy his own goddamn outfit. This is laziness on my. My feeling on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know, so.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the only good thing wouldn't be shopping at Lane Bryant anymore.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That is true. Very true.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the forgotten woman.

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

That the worst name ever for a clothing.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, the worst name ever is Dress Barn.

[Adam Carolla]

How.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Remember that?

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's like, my girlfriend's so fat, they wish you went into Dress Barn and tried. They tried the milker. It was that kind of a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And then you say, is this thing on? And then you say what Jeffrey Ross said.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell your face.

Trying out new material.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I love Jeff in his defense, honestly, just to wake up that crowd at the end, you got to do what you got to do. They should have done him a favor, though.

[Allison Rosen]

He defended Situation.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, what happened was. Here's how.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

What happened was Situation starts getting booed, and I really thought that was lowlife, because they shouldn't have booed him. And then they're yelling, go back to Jersey. And they're all fucking almost rioting. And I look at the audience with Jeff when we both go, cut it out. Like, you felt bad for the guy in a way, because he was really sweating. So Jeff goes, should I go up and help him? I go, yeah. You got that joke about. You know, that's when he did, when he went up and he said, I'm not the Situation. I'm the saturation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So we went up, and that's just.

[Adam Carolla]

For most of the.

[Allison Rosen]

He has a 1907.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I don't know why he didn't do this when he has one in his act where he goes, I think this is funny. He goes, he's got washboard abs. I've got smorgasbord.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Which I think is hilarious. So, yeah, he helped him a little, but you ain't gonna recover after that, right? Oh, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

So stupid question. Are there general fans a lot of these things? Like, are they general Mission tickets or.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all.

[Brian Bishop]

Are they all, like, VIPs and friend.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think it probably is. Is VIP the problem? Guests and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Honestly, the problem is, is you're doing your thing, and you're looking down and you see Paris Hilton texting, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, in the front row and stuff. And it's just. It's not. It's not like a rock and roll crowd. It's not your comedy crowd. I mean, you. You. They'll laugh, but you really have to be good. You're literally sitting there staring at Doug Herzog, who runs Comedy Central. It's like, that's not the guy you want to be. You want to be staring at a young fan.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right, Right. And also, remember Flavor Flav roast? It was like they had all those flavor of love girls, those chicken head. And that's hard to do comedy about them because they're, like, threatening you and. Oh, it's horrible. Yeah, those are stressful, man. I mean, you don't do them anymore. I don't blame you. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sit. I'm so sick. Everything's too much pressure.

[Adam Carolla]

How many. How many how many shows, how many dates do you do?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That's the only thing I like to do. I do Friday, Saturday at theaters.

[Adam Carolla]

Every week, right? Every.

[Podcast Announcer]

Every week.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I love it. I love it. Anything else?

[Adam Carolla]

It's burdensome, by the way, I should say March 25 at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium in Massachusetts and then coming on the 26th, I guess that would be a Saturday.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

At the Westbury in New York and playing good sized theaters.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yes. Rob would have quit the business. I couldn't take.

[Adam Carolla]

What size theaters are we talking about?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I would say 2000 to Radio City was like 6700.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. That is nice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, it's really nice.

[Adam Carolla]

And I mean, here's what ends up happening. I can tell you someone is out doing a little bit myself is you no longer want to do eight shows for 200 people at a time. You want to do one show for 1600 people and get about the same paycheck and go home. And it just starts becoming about repetition and it starts grinding you down and the travel starts grinding. But you got to get ground down in order to get to the point where you do one show right. For 3,000 people.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, what happened was my special, my new specials on Sunday. And when you're doing a new special, you got to go to clubs at least like two weeks out of the year right before the special to try all the stuff out and make sure it all works. So I had to do like Denver for eight shows and then West Palm for eight shows. And yeah, it's like this is what I used to freaking do. Yeah, it's so hard. It's awful. And you know, they don't treat.

[Adam Carolla]

Just got back to Denver and West.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Palm and they're not, they're good clubs. So you don't hate it, but you're to going, how would I ever. If I couldn't get to a different level, I would have just quit. You know, you get to that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what happens is you do your first show and you just want to go and you can't go. And the worst part is not really after the first show, it's on the way to the club because there's this weird psychological thing. I don't know. Lisa, don't let me put words in your mouth here. But there's this feeling of the reason I love radio and I always love doing radio is loveline started at 10pm and it ended at midnight and that was it. It just ended at midnight and it wouldn't end at 11:05. And it wasn't like If I had a mediocre show, we stayed till 12:30, it just ended. And TV is like a lot of, let's do another take and let's try it again. And you can be there all night trying to get almost nothing. And when you're doing multiple shows and we've done three shows in a night, which blows ass, you're out there on the first show talking and you look at the clock and you're about 15 minutes into the first 90 minute show and you realize, even when I'm done, I ain't done, I'm coming back. And when you're doing one show, you feel like you're just eating up real estate and everything that just passed is behind you. It's not turn around and come back again.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's this weird psychological thing of like knowing I'm gonna do this again. And then you think, did I tell this joke?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh my God, that's happened so many times. Like on the third show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You'll go, you start saying a joke. Did I tell you this already? Because you don't have that memory.

[Allison Rosen]

And have you ever actually done that? Oh, yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And they'll go, yeah, you did. And I'm like, well, fuck it. And people love to see mistakes because it shows you're human and they team with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So it's never really horrible and they think you're an asshole. But that's really a hard thing. People don't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

And so now you go out and. And it is this thing where from doing eight shows on a weekend or doing three shows a night, or two shows Friday, two shows Saturday and all that kind of doing one show, especially in a theater of people that love you.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

God, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gotta feel.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. Because people are always on the radio going, oh, you know, does anybody get offended? It's like, no, because they paid theater prices to see it, Right? So like that's your fans. You're not gonna come if you're kind of half assed of a fan. So you always know you're gonna kill. It doesn't matter. But even like last Saturday, just this past Saturday, I had two shows in Albany and a theater. Because like, if you sell out, then you do another show and you almost feel like calling your manager so and say, fuck it, I don't want to do that second show. You almost feel like the jerk again in the clubs. But it's a theater, so you say, I want the money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is, it is this. It's a thing where it's A sort of sad problem. And it happens every once in a while to me, where you go, hey, the first show sold out in a theater. And you go, oh, good. And they go, no, we're adding a second show. And you go, fuck. Now I'm doing two shows again. But you make all the money on the second show, because the first show, a lot of it's eaten up with a lot of the union guys and a lot of the whatever, and the second one's just, like, almost all gravy. And that's where the money.

[Allison Rosen]

Because everything's already set up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I would liken it to this and, like, one of Lisa's multiple shows. You stop me if I've said this on the air.

Okay. When you get a. It's like you rent a moving van, and you got one job job, and the moving van's got to be back 24 hours from now, and it costs 200 bucks to rent it, and your job is going to pay 300 bucks. You're going to walk with 100 bucks. But it's all right. It's a good, good day's work. But then someone else says, I got another moving job, and you can squeeze it in before you got to get the van back. Now, that one's going to be almost all profit. A little bit of gas, a little bit of wear and tear. But your manager's going, hey, man, as long as the van is that. We already paid for the van once. Yeah, if you can get two jobs in.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Or if you're fucking Mike August. Three jobs in three nights in a row, by the way, Cobbs. And then Seattle. Then let's keep that van going the whole time. We got it out, and the rest is all private.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You get so caught up in the ego of, like, wow, I sold out a show. Oh, my God. I'm like Jim Gaffigan or something now, you know, because I always used to look at Jim. I know, I know. I used to always look at Jim's website, though, because I, like, always look up, like, clean guys to see if they sell, and him and Brian Regan sell great. So I look at Gaffigan and say, second show added. Wow, he's so lucky. And then it happens to you at some point, right? And you're like, wow, this kind of sucks that I got to do two shows, but the money is great.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel the same way about my twins, by the way. Tell me how blessed I am.

[Allison Rosen]

Why did you look at. Why? Why clean guys? Why is that?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I was always curious. I'm Always curious.

[Allison Rosen]

The opposite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Because Jim and Brian Regan seem to be the only comics who've made real huge careers out of clean comedy that isn't Christian. I really don't know anyone else who's super clean but not forced clean. Like, that's just who they are. And I call, I'm sorry, Cosby.

[Adam Carolla]

No one knows that name.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a. Has been.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Fucking loser.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I hated him ever since he bought the Little Rascals and nobody could see him anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what happened?

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Why do you think we never see the Little Rascals?

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought.

[Allison Rosen]

Every day I've asked that.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I asked the same question about Manimal every other day.

[Allison Rosen]

He has that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I've heard that.

[Ileana Douglas]

I've heard that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Love me some Patrick Duffy. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask a roast question just to go back for one second? Sure. Do people ever get their feelings hurt? That's what I always wonder. Watching. It seems like everyone takes it in stride.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, you know what? I think Pam Whitney Cummings said that Pam got really mad at a couple of her jokes on the Hasselhoff roast. Cause they're about Pamela's. And I do this in quotes. Gaping vagina. Because I'm sure it's not gay.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of huge vagina jokes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. And I actually cut out three of mine during her roast because everybody had gotten her so bad with that already. I said, oh, shit, I'm not gonna, like, do that.

[Adam Carolla]

She was down to baker's dozen.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, do you ever, like. Do the comedians ever have their feelings?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, you know, I think at heart, if you want to be totally honest, every feeling's gonna hurt. I mean, every joke's gonna kind of hurt your feelings. But if they're funny, you almost, like, overlook it. Like, for instance, like, all the jokes about me this year, like, none of them sucked, but when they used to be sucked. And, like, people would just, like, kind of, like, beat you up, and you're like, that's not even funny, dude. Like, write a joke, and then I'll laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Lisa was. I mean, Lisa always laughs at other people's jokes, and Lisa laughs at the jokes that are directed toward her. And I think no one wants to get caught with that plate of under their nose. Look when they come back to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, the best medicine for that joke is to laugh it off anyway. If you look wounded, it's gonna look bad. But there are two types of jokes. There's when I used to do, it's always, you know, Gay jokes about me and Jimmy Kimmel.

I know that I'm not fucking Jimmy Kimmel. And he, he knows I'm not fucking Jimmy Kimmel. And so does everyone else. So that's like a joke that might be a joke, but it's. Who cares? It's a who cares joke. But then there are jokes about, you know, Larry King being old or your hair being fucked up or fat or snaggle tooth or whatever. There's like jokes where it's like, oh, that is a joke about something grain.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Or more of truth in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Couple sacks of grain.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Of truth.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

The funny thing is I went to my shrink the day after the Trump rose dared, right? And I said to her, I said, dude, I said, these ones didn't hurt my feelings very much. You know, I was really happy. And she's like, well, I think you've grown as a person. And we figured out, get this, does.

[Adam Carolla]

Your shrink tip out or waitress? Well, she's done 50 minutes. I feel like spiel off a couple 20s. Thank you. Next. See you next time. Same time.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know. Well, we figured out that you can take a joke really well about stuff like you said. That clearly is not true. Like if somebody said to me, I'm not funny, I'm just like, well, it's not gonna really hurt me because I, I really, I make a living. I'm all right. If they say I'm stupid, no, if they say I'm old, even that like I'm getting older, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. Cause I have no control over it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

If they say you're ugly, it's like, you know what? I'm not everybody's cup of tea, but I got married, so somebody must wann.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So. And then you're like, but you know what's funny about the fat jokes? It's like those are the only ones that have a possibility to hurt me because I can control it. If I could control the weight thing, then I feel like I failed. So those would be the only ones that would really dig ya.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And they really, if they're funny jokes, though, you kind of have no choice.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Lisa's lost quite a bit of weight over the years, and so the fat jokes. And they can continue with fat jokes even if you lose people. Oh, yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Because unless you're under a size 6, you're considered fat, so that's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

And they can also grandfather in jokes. Like they will do fat jokes about people that aren't really fat anymore. It's just, you could have been fat four years ago.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'll still do a Jennifer Hudson joke. I don't give a. You know, because Precious could lose all the weight she wants. She's still fat.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But you know who would?

[Allison Rosen]

Star Jones. Oh, my.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, yeah. She's. There's so many things born to be fat. Al Roker and her.

[Ileana Douglas]

Her.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

They're going to be fast.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like as she lost the weight, her cuntiness came to the surface.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, it was like she had a buried nougat. That was. That'd be a good porn name for you.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. She had a hunting nougat that was surrounded by so much dark chocolate that we could never really get to her cunty nougat.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And we got to it now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, also, you know, Jimmy Big Balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are you working with today? Jimmy Big Balls Conti Nougat. One of the best. One of the best.

[Brian Bishop]

Subtitle not going anywhere for a while.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Jimmy always goes, you know, after the hassle offroast, then after this one, he's like, are these people ever going to stop with the, you know, she used to bang black guys jokes? And I go, hey, consider yourself lucky because so far they haven't mixed you into it. You get to sit there and not get your feelings hurt. So just sit there and be happy about it, you know? That's how I feel. He dodges a bullet every time. But, yeah, this is what I have to ask you. They know I'm married to a white guy. There is. They're married to a white guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's like three white guys.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Huge nuts. And like, they know that. So why do they keep doing the banging black jokes? Aren't they out of date?

[Adam Carolla]

As. As we've talked about how, you know Precious and Star Jones, like, how you just. You just grant your. You. You're black cocked, grandfathered in.

[Ileana Douglas]

Very well put.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's. That's how whitewash it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know what the weird thing is about that whole black thing? I stare at it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I had a black boyfriend for like three years. Then I had dated maybe six black guys. Just dates, you know, rough weekend. Then I used to. Yeah, I know. So I used to make a lot of jokes. I bang so many black guys. Fill in the blanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So they took it off my cue. Now they have to fucking make fun.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Now I can't shake it. And Big Balls is pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you don't want Big Balls pissed.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Who does?

[Adam Carolla]

No, and, you know, and yeah. And people feel like it's okay, by the way, because, you know, you, you started the joke.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And, and, but the good news is they're running out of stuff with you. Yeah, you're very successful. You've dropped a ton of weight.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know, I think they're gonna start with the uglier. Ugly is gonna get bigger and old is gonna start to get big.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so sad.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

By the way, I know the categories. You know, whore doesn't work anymore. That's Whitney Cummings. That's what cracks me up. Every joke about a whore has to be a Whitney Cummings. And I don't think she's even a whore.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be honest with you, I don't, I don't think so either. Although I was, I was watching it. And I'll say this quickly, said it many times before. Making fun of old people is like making fun of Puerto Ricans. If you were going to become a Puerto Rican one day, it's a fucking horrible plan. Making fun of Puerto Ricans is a capital idea if you're not Puerto Rican. But if we're all hoping, God willing, one day to become Puerto Ricans, we should take it easy on the Puerto Ricans because we all hope that we get the Larry King's age one day. But we're relentless in our jokes about Larry King, which is only paving the way for us to be made fun of one day when we, God forbid, make it to that or, God willing, make it to that age. Whitney Cummings seems. Yeah, Whitney seems. And she used to come on the radio show.

She seems like she's a little too thin. Speaking of thin. And she. I feel like she's getting.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes I see a woman filler in her face.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's what.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, is it? There's something artificial.

[Adam Carolla]

She. Here's what's going on with her. In my estimation, she's getting lost in her looks a little bit. Meaning, not taking anything away from her words. What I mean is just she came in and did the radio show a few years back and you go, oh, here's a slender, attractive, sort of natural looking woman. And something is happening. I don't know where. It's like she's becoming. Dr. Drew talks about the female. Female impersonator. Now the thing is, her hair is dark. And if her hair was blonde, everyone would kind of go, ooh, she looks kind of phony. But she's dark hair. So she kind of gets away with, with it. But there's something going on with her where she's getting a little too skinny or she's getting a little lollipop or something. And I don't know if there's something up or that's just the camera or what you experience.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I don't know. It's weird because in person, thin girls look really good. There's a reason designers design clothes for size fours and sixes. Because it looks better, you know, so skinny girls, unless you're like, bones are sticking out. I think you look caught.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Which by the way, in my audience, Jesus Christ. This Saturday night, there was a woman, literally, you could see she was in the third row. You could see every one of her bones. She clearly was an anorexic or bulimic. But me not thinking goes, look at this skinny who are. And just kept going. Then I.

[Allison Rosen]

She's probably happy.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, I know, right? But then I felt bad cuz I go, oh my God, is she going to be like upset and go make herself throw up again?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So after the show I was like, oh, you look great in this.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But clearly was fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

So that's the line in insult comedy too. It's like, well, you know, I want to make fun of you, but I don't want you to get mad at me either and then go home and hate yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, Lisa Lampanelli and the aforementioned Jeff Ross. Really.

You wouldn't know it to watch them work, but very sensitive, sweet people. Like, Jeff Ross is wildly sensitive. Like, I mean, he just doesn't. He's too sensitive sometimes. Like when he up to talk to the situation and calm the audience down, sort of Rodney King style. Like, can't we all just get along kind of thing. He meant it like, I know Jeff Ross is like, he. Jeff. You'll have these conversations with Jeff where he's like, it's not right. People should. Like, they shouldn't be. And it's like, it's a weird. It's a weird thing how sensitive he actually is.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think the harsher you are on stage, you're probably the more sensitive. Like, I bet Rickles cries all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hope so.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think that's just how it is, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Actually, when he sees Ross on his collar ID is when he really breaks out because that's when the waterworks really begin. They're like best friends. All right. Should we keep going with the tournament of Roses, by the way? Yeah. Lisa, you're gonna like this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Announcer]

It's time for boyfriend Bracket madness. This is the Tournament of Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so who do we have going up against each other?

[Podcast Announcer]

Well, we'll get to that after we just recap the early round action.

[Adam Carolla]

We're doing this NCAA style, by the way, trying to get Allison in.

[Podcast Announcer]

I requested that recapping early Tournament of Rosen action in the wannabe comedian conference open mic. Stand up.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Podcast Announcer]

Nick Ferguson stood out while Mitch Marzone bombed in the guy's name. Tyler. Conference Love triumphed overall. Tyler Love advanced to the next round over Tyler Hans.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what is the next category?

[Podcast Announcer]

We're in the Jewish Conference, AKA the OVE League, and we will begin with Jonathan. Jonathan. Her person. My proposal. I'm 28 and live in Los Angeles. Key attributes 1. I'm Jewish.

Ashkenazi. Ashkenazi. Yeah, the right kind. I think Allison likes those kinds of Jews.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have a preference. Really?

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah, I run my own finance company. I don't think Allison wants to be poor. I am good at softball. This means I would could help at the podcast softball games.

[Allison Rosen]

I love those.

[Podcast Announcer]

Seriously, I think Allison is amazing. And since. Since she's not on J date, I can't find her. Thanks, John.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, look at him.

[Allison Rosen]

Do we have an age?

[Adam Carolla]

28. 20.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Sorry. How old are you? I'm 35.

[Adam Carolla]

Jew into financing.

[Allison Rosen]

But look at the hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. That's very.

[Allison Rosen]

That's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

That's bad. And unchew. He's got a little Jew bangers, a little gang banger thing going. But the picture on. On there is majestic. It is like pyro or wherever he is. All right, all right.

[Podcast Announcer]

Up next, Patrick Levine. Hi, my name is Patrick Levine, and these are the top 10 reasons Allison should pick me to like lists. Number 10. I'm willing to role play as Dr. Drew for the entire night. Number 9. In high school, I was voted most likely to win a date with Alison Richard Rosen. I know that sounds weird, but actually, Allison Rosen was also the name of the widowed school librarian. Number eight.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Podcast Announcer]

I'm Jewish. Red will pay for half of the cost of our date up to $57.

Number seven. I once scored a perfect 900 in skeeball. Okay, you got me. I climbed under the cage and slam dunked every ball. Number six. I know CP number five. I don't pick out the M&M's and peanuts from trail mix, leaving only the raisins and crystallized ginger Red. Not orally selfish, I. E. No. 68 NIOIA 1. Scratch that, red. You take the good you take the bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, Facts of life reference.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Podcast Announcer]

Number four, I already told my mom you said yes. Number three, my karaoke version of Roses by Outkast is Grammy word.

[Allison Rosen]

I do hate karaoke.

[Podcast Announcer]

Number two, Although my last name would suggest it, I swear I'm not related to Blaster girl.

And the number one reason? I think you have beautiful eyes. Ah, General info. Live in Los Angeles. Or I could say live in Los Angeles. Age 27.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Do you have to pick one?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I don't mean that in a mean way, but they're both too young for you.

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, I agree they're emotionally not as mature as you.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the thing. We got over 200 entries, and they in the control room whittled them down to 16, and they wouldn't let me be involved in the whittling.

[Ileana Douglas]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Bishop]

So plus, Lisa, when you get to be Allison's days, there aren't that many single. Not that many single people left.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Good point.

[Allison Rosen]

That actually brings me to something that I began to worry about last night, which is that what if people who move forward actually secretly have a girlfriend or wife? And I think. And what if I give them my heart and I think bachelor style, they need to be publicly shamed.

[Adam Carolla]

If they do that, we shall do that. And by the way, your people don't whittle you Kibbutz difference. But I know what you're saying.

[Allison Rosen]

What did I. I don't even remember using you whittle.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not going to whittle. Down the list. Yeah, no Jew whittles.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, I like this Patrick kid. You know, for what it's worth, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Think we have a first round blowout. I think Patrick just schooled you, Jonathan.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, he definitely did. But you know what I don't like about Patrick? He thinks he's funny. And now I really hate. People think they're funny.

[Brian Bishop]

It's kind of funny, though. Some of those are.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He wasn't that bad. He had like maybe 4 out of 10 that we did. A real live chuckle, which isn't bad.

[Adam Carolla]

For an amateur, you know, it's not bad.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

The other guy's just.

[Allison Rosen]

He could workshop the list a little, I'll say. That true?

[Ileana Douglas]

Tell your face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he thinks he's funny. It's tough. I don't know why, but I. About once a month.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Good looking though, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Once a month I say to my wife, you know? You know why? I say, you know why? That guy's hot. He's like me. He's hot. And he doesn't know it. And then she.

[Allison Rosen]

Does she agree with you? I like, I don't know that guys can really. Actually, I thought guys can't really assess other guys hotness. Guys always claim they can't. That's why I was concerned about guys choosing these guys, kibitzing these guys.

[Adam Carolla]

I like, I like Patrick, but let's keep in mind this mean he's playing for the championship of your pussy. This is just a. This is just gonna get him. This is gonna move him head to the next.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll lose to Fresno State at some point. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I think so. Yeah. My vote is for Patrick. Patrick as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

I like how we're all unanimous though.

[Adam Carolla]

We always are.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That other guy's a douche. We always like, there's no way he was gonna even.

[Adam Carolla]

But by the way, that. This is why when you go like, hey, like when people go, go, hey, Jeremy Piven's a douche and Henry Winkler is a really cool guy, you go, well, that's just Europe. No, no, no, no. It's, it's, it's, it's done. There's some facts we understand and we all, Everyone will sort of agree. There's people.

[Allison Rosen]

Bill Maher in there too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, everyone. Everyone agrees. Everyone knows how it works. And, and it's, it's not that different. It's not like, oh, that's just your opinion. No, there's four of us. We're all from different backgrounds. We're all sitting in the same place and we're at looking Patrick. So he wins this one.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He advances.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Do you have one more, Dallas?

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah, this is from the Dudes holding Animals conference.

[Allison Rosen]

I like this one.

[Podcast Announcer]

Charles Hollenbeck. Hey, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Podcast Announcer]

Do I dare call you Ally, or does that kick me out automatically?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, delete.

[Podcast Announcer]

I'm a daily listener.

[Adam Carolla]

He's holding us.

Goodbye. He's in a Falcon Henry. Goodbye.

[Ileana Douglas]

I hate him.

[Podcast Announcer]

And I follow you on Twitter, obviously. I love your voice. I like it when Adam starts the show and you say, hello, Adam Corolla.

[Allison Rosen]

That is one of my better lines.

[Adam Carolla]

She has to write it down.

[Podcast Announcer]

I'm sure he meant I, but it.

[Adam Carolla]

Says she workshopped that, by the way.

Tepid response at the Irvine Improv. She stuck with. Stuck with it.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's when I switched from high to hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what it really.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the difference.

[Podcast Announcer]

I actually grew up in North Hollywood as well. I'm 47, yet didn't run in the same circles. As Adam, my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Still, he looks like he didn't run in any circles. He may have walked. He was busy fencing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he's not fat.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Podcast Announcer]

My mom still lives in the same house I grew up in. Sadly, I lost my dad two years ago. They were married 51 years. And I feel really fortunate to have had such a. Such great parents. I live in Santa Monica, own a technology company I wore. I volunteer on weekends at a wildlife rescue sanctuary called the Wildlife Way Station. I've attached a picture of one of the golden eagles I work with.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Podcast Announcer]

It looks like I'm getting this email in right under the wire. So if you would like to have dinner, share a bottle of wine, and get to know each other, I think we would have a blast.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he touch the children.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

In a good way?

[Adam Carolla]

There was something sticky on the actual email, though. Could have come from a child or a bird. What? Now he's age appropriate? He's actually a little old.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He's also overly sincere.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he looks sincere, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, a little edgy, but. He's holding a falcon.

[Adam Carolla]

But what's an eagle. But what's going on with the fact that. That his parents were together for 51 years, but he's not. He's a single guy. I mean, I wonder if there's some divorce here in the background.

[Allison Rosen]

There could be. We didn't demand that they. All right, well, it's okay. But would it be better that he's been divorced than that he's never been married?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but he seems a little earnest for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's the word. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see the next guy. Although he could be the bell of the ball in five minutes when we see the next trip train wreck.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go.

[Podcast Announcer]

Next up is Gregory Adams.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, boy. I don't know what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

A rat. Looks like he's holding a rat by the tail.

[Allison Rosen]

I was expecting, like, threatening puppies. I was expecting puppies and kittens.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, or ducklings eat better.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I like ducklings.

[Adam Carolla]

The bird from the first picture sees that rat, and it's swooping on that bald guy's head. See, all of a sudden, the first guys I know look like George Clooney by now. Right? It's all relative. Here we go.

[Podcast Announcer]

Hey, Allison. So I'll give it to you straight.

[Allison Rosen]

Please.

[Podcast Announcer]

You should take. You should date me for one simple reason. You see this mouse I'm holding in the picture? I want it dead. I hope it's post dissected independently. Beating hearts find its way to the bottom of a biohazard container asap. Oh, wait. Before you move on and open some lame email from the next loser, let me explain.

[Allison Rosen]

Aren't we required by law to tell enforcement officials about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, feels. I feel like we should. Good.

[Podcast Announcer]

No, I'm not exploiting mice with some Dexter like aspect of my personality. No, I'm not hoping for some Ted Bundy married in prison complex.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a researcher.

[Podcast Announcer]

You see, I use these mice to research heart disease.

Does anyone in your family have atheric sclerosis? High blood pressure, recurring episodes? Heart disease, actually, of venous blood clots.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. He's working hard to put an end to them.

[Podcast Announcer]

Or other vascular malfunctions common in Jewish populations. Boom. Taken care of. I'm researching the crap out of this stuff and I'll have my PhD in about a year. You can thank me and my tolerance for witnessing the deaths of several hundred cute, furry mammals. Talk about an existential crisis. You're welcome. Boring, pertinent information. I'm 26 and I'm 5, 510.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. His look is maniacal.

[Allison Rosen]

His email was also somewhat maniacal. Even though I know. I know what he was striving for.

[Adam Carolla]

He came around at the end. Hard to tell.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But he also did catch us nice and off guard with that. And we all went, oh, yeah. So you know, he can't be all that bad. Also, he's 26. I'd rather you go for somebody young than that old. I can't take that guy. That guy just turned me off.

[Ileana Douglas]

Off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, Lisa, it's a lesser of two evils here.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. There's no way. No winning on either. These are not the end.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And, and again, a lot of these. Although at a. At a certain.

[Allison Rosen]

I would be. I would be a little afraid to go out with either of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're going to get. They're going to get chewed up and spat out in one of. The. One of the semifinals and one of the other brackets. Although if we keep saying that about every single guy makes it into this tourney, eventually junior college team is going to end up winning the tournament. Right. Like, we can't. We've said about everyone who's coming to the tournament.

[Brian Bishop]

Just realized I think we're actually in the nit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, are we?

[Brian Bishop]

It's like the runner up tournament.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think also Gregory's just photographed at a bad angle.

[Allison Rosen]

I think he could be really.

[Adam Carolla]

He could be cute if somebody put him in the right position and put a hockey sweater on him and said he played hockey for the Islanders, you'd go, that's a hunky dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think I do. Like. Like the fact that he's getting a PhD or at least he's smart. Like, I don't care about the advanced degree.

But I would like to know their SAT scores. So I'm gonna go with Gregory.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yay.

[Allison Rosen]

Nervously.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, let me say this, too. For all the guys that are listening who have gotten a tepid thumbs up from. Or labia up or whatever we're calling it from this side, there's time to get the work. You know what I mean? I mean, makeover wise, you know, pluck a few eyebrows.

[Brian Bishop]

Splits up your game.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Clean it up a little. You know what I mean? Talk to one of your female friends. She could tell you, you know, lose the tight jeans, you know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Stay after practice, shoot a couple extra.

[Allison Rosen]

Free throws, get a perm.

[Adam Carolla]

These are the championship rounds, the early round. In the second round, we're gonna have.

[Podcast Announcer]

Them submit poems and other creative works.

[Adam Carolla]

To try to woo. So, yeah, you got a chance. All right. Okay. All right. Feeling good about this. All right, do we. Do we got an outro? So we got Gregory from this one. So one guy looks.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold on.

[Podcast Announcer]

Is the tournament of Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

We got one guy looks like he's going to eat a mouse, and another guy looks like he just fucked a bird.

[Ileana Douglas]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got that look.

[Allison Rosen]

See, this is. This is why I'm single. This is what it's like for me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in his bird fucking refractory period if I've ever seen one.

[Allison Rosen]

Satisfied, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you make a good point. Hey, any attention is good intent. Good attention when you have talents. You know what I mean? You don't find a lot of suitors when you have talents.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Crush people's skull with your paws. It's hard to get guys come near your. You know, Please. You know what I'm talking about. Absolutely. She's been there.

[Ileana Douglas]

I feel you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The more you know.

All right. I feel like that's a good high low note to go out on.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Lisa Lampanelli, new one hour Comedy Central special Tough Love airs Sunday, March 27th. That's this Sunday?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, wait.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Nope.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's coming Sunday. Yeah, that's right. 10:00pm Always hilarious. And just. I don't know. I'm in love with Elisa Lampanelli. What can I say? Also, Lowell Memorial Auditorium, Massachusetts. Sell out the first show but sell it out toward the end of the week so that there's no time for the promoters. Seriously, if the show's Friday night and they sell it out Wednesday or Thursday, it's too late. No, don't sell it out Monday. Don't. Please don't. And then March 26, the theater at Westbury in New York now, again, sell it out. Let's call it Wednesday evening, Thursday morning.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But let's not give it enough time for those second show.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't need it.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. The great Lisa Lampanelli.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Thank you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Check out her [e-mail] you can Twitter her at Lisa Lampanelli. So until next time, this is Adam Crowley for Bald Brian, Lisa Lampanelli and Allison Rhodes. And saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you make a pregnant hormone? Two words, skinny jeans.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that's Adam Kollishow, 529. Coming up next, we have Adam Krillin show 535 with the great Ileana Douglas, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2011.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian. Oh, I need to have a special bra made for men. Good. Hey, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So much to talk about, plenty of news. Ileana Douglas is going to be.

Good guest and great actress. Also going for the Guinness Book of World Records, taking down Ricky Gervais. We're still on a quest. Yes, Paul, Brian, we get a lot.

[Brian Bishop]

Of questions, or at least I do via Twitter. Do we count all forms of downloads? Do we count the itunes? Do we count the streaming online? The phone app? You don't know this. Maybe Donnie can run in and hop on the mic.

[Adam Carolla]

I do believe we do. But Donnie should figure that one out when he figures that one out and tell us. And you guys have been doing a great job and I will keep you posted. And we should have this sorted out post haste very, very quickly. And I think we're going to be able to get the record. And again, for you guys who've been helping us out, I read a lot of yes, Donnie. It's all the RSS feed downloads, so it could be a BlackBerry, an iPhone, itunes, through our website. Any downloads possible.

[Brian Bishop]

The stitcher people who signed up when we brought it in, they're all good because they get a lot. They send me a lot of questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, thanks for shitting on my point.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I was opening up for you to say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No stitcher. No stitcher is a different disconnect. But the numbers are so minimal. All right, but if you're on stitcher, why don't you hop over to itunes so we can count you? They are giving us download numbers, but we don't have the automated download coming into our office. I have to get them from stitcher. All right, I'll just repeat myself one more time, though. But if you're at Stitcher, go ahead and hop over to itunes anyway. It does count. All those numbers are being added up. But if you're a stitcher, hop over to itunes anyway. Yes, yes. That's a better, faster camera. Okay, bud. There you go. Hey, babe. No, sorry. That was a new record. That was only three laps.

[Allison Rosen]

I just fell asleep.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a personal best. I'll wake you up when it's time to do news, and then you go back to bed when I start talking again. Also, I'm gonna be at the Bayam Theater in Pittsburgh this Thursday, Egyptian Room in Indianapolis on Friday, and the pageant theater in St. Louis. Still tick to those dates, but they won't be for long. So hop on that. Me and Jimmy Kimmel are going to be. Well, it'll be me, but Jimmy will come out and say hi and maybe we'll have some fun with a little man. Show stuff. That'll be on May 21st. And that's going to be at the Willtern theater here, right here in Hollywood. First 500 tickets sold are getting a copy of the paperback autographed bonus chapter. And it's pretty easy. You just buy yourself a ticket and you send your receipt to acewilternmail.com and you'll get your free book. All right. Good times.

[Allison Rosen]

And I get a lot of questions on Twitter. Will I be at these shows? And the answer is no. But maybe I will come out to the LA one. I mean, I won't be like on stage. Maybe I'll be in the audience.

[Brian Bishop]

Your parents already have tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

Me and my parents communicate with me on Twitter and they want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Definitely come out and definitely hang out after the show. Or maybe at the show I'll bring you out and you can let everyone see your face and then afterward sign some autographs and have a beer.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I did a little bit today where I was interviewing a rodeo clown. Although don't call them rodeo clowns. They're American bull fighters.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Jesus Christ, we can call a stewardess, a flight attendant. Yeah, I guess they have a meter maid, a parking enforcement personnel. Then someone who risks their goddamn lives in front of a 2,000 pound bull should get the decency of a name.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm down with that because they're as much a bullfighter as an actual like Spanish bullfighter. Like those like theatrical thing where they actually don't actually do anything in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Bull, one would argue even more so because the bulls in the Spaniards version of it get the spears in the back of the neck that sort of make them keep their head down, that these bulls don't have. These bulls heads come flying up all the time and it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Bulls prefer to be called bovine specialists.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

Jump in between the cowboy and the bull so they throw themselves in harm's way. And, and as I've said before, no worse danger to pussy ratio gig on the planet. You know the thing about there's a danger to pussy ratio, which is these guys who fight bulls in Spain, yes, it's dangerous, but they get tons and tons of pussy. And, and as you said, these guys, their job is equally as dangerous, if not more so. Zero minus pussy. If they had a pussy, it would have to leave, you know what I'm saying? Like if you jump motorcycles over double decker buses or you're a fighter jock or something like that, yes, it's a dangerous gig. You might not come home at the end of the day, but if you do come home, there will be some pussy waiting for you when you get.

[Allison Rosen]

Home as your reward for risking your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Rodeo clown, no pussy. American bullfighter perhaps had a. So I'm talking to Shorty, who's American bullfighter, and we're having a discussion about bones broken and all this kind of stuff. And I said, so let me get this straight. How's the tour go? You start in Manhattan, you go to Seattle, then it's off to San Francisco and then right here to an Encino, right? And he said no. And I said yeah, I was just kidding. And I said what do you do? He basically, basically there's Shorty. I said, basically just fall like the nascar. Basically where the NASCAR circuit goes. Yeah. Said yeah, we gotta go around this place, except for this year we don't go to Mexico. And I said no, Mexico, huh? And he said, nah, too dangerous. I said, too dangerous for the guy jumps in front of the 2,000 pound bull. And then I thought, hey Mexico, it's time to take a good long look in the mirror. The guys who jump in front of the 2,000 pound bulls have decided I don't think so.

[Brian Bishop]

Sad.

[Adam Carolla]

My wife would be pissed. She's not gonna let me do it. She'll let me jump in front of a scary cow all fucking day long. But the Mexico, no candy. I got kids, you understand? I gotta have some responsibility. The walk from the event back to the hotel to Harry. Even though the fucking widowmaker was trying to crush you moments earlier. I'm just saying. Mexico, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they're not crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, this is like this, that, that, that scene where like the junkie is busting into his kids piggy bank just trying to get a hit of crack. Okay. And he looks up into the like hello Kitty mirror and sees himself covered with sweat, holding the hammer up and then just starts crying and drops it. That this is what, this is that rock bottom moment. Mexico. The bullfighters, the rodeo clowns. You freaked them out. Too dangerous. Can't risk it. Won't risk coming to your country. Good long look. Mexico. Find a mirror, baby. Get it off your lap and look into that mirror.

[Brian Bishop]

That's heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's heavy. That's heavy.

[Brian Bishop]

Is Shorty an ironic nickname?

[Adam Carolla]

Is he like six foot two, all bull guys? No, the thing, the thing that's funny about Shorty is he's four, eight. Shorty is like five, ten, or maybe five, nine and a half. It's hard to tell. They're always wearing cowboy boots.

[Brian Bishop]

So he's actually average Y.

[Adam Carolla]

Average Y. But it's weird. He's not short enough to be short. He's not tall enough to be stretched. But we gotta. We can't call you hey, Mr. Medium. Nobody fights a bull like Mr. Medium. So we have to sort of give. Everyone needs a name.

[Brian Bishop]

Worst X Men ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Medium. Mr.

[Allison Rosen]

Medium.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. I was reading 180 the fucking amount of money Sandy Brown that those goddamn comics have generated. You know, my son is into it and I read him the books and you know, I'm reading him the Silver Surfer. He's a silver guy on a silver surfboard that surfs throughout the galaxy. And then there's like there's Rockman. He's made of rocks and he's tough as nails.

[Allison Rosen]

And then teaches them abstract thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

It teaches them nothing. And most this stuff is not interesting at fucking all. Like, it's just like. I feel like in real time I could peel off 35 of these motherfucking things. And you just see like this guy holds his hand out and everything freezes. And then there's Tornado and then there's stretchy guy. And it's like they're all just kind of like.

[Brian Bishop]

That's all Fantastic Four.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all. They're not fantastic. They lack a lot of imagination. And they've made billions of dollars from like so, so ideas. Like, I mean there Is that thing where when you see. I hope you're sitting down, Brian, but when you see the Transformers, you go, okay, that's something. You know, they're transforming, they're. Oh, you think it's just a dump truck or just an outhouse. Turns out it's a robot, you know, and there's certain. There's certain ideas. There are these ideas like for instance, like Jurassic park where you go, okay, that's an interesting idea. They got the little amber there and then they got the mosquito and they take the DNA and it kind of. This is just. He's a super dude.

[Allison Rosen]

He's super dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing can stop him. He flies faster than a bullet. He's stronger than a locomotive. It's like, all right, I feel like it's not that creative. It's not that interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, are you into this stuff? You did look like someone was electrocuting you in a good way when you played the Transformers. Drop well.

[Brian Bishop]

The Transformers thing, yes. But actually never really got into comic books, per se. The comic book movies, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pit for adolescent homos. It really is. It's just nothing. It's nothing. It's not that creative. It's not that smart. It's not that interesting. And then they. They make a fucking movie about it every 10 minutes. And then people are. Then there's 42 year old guys that are devastated. Silver Surfer. I was looking forward to that, but wow. Wow. You have kids, Jack, Focus on them. These things are not creative, they're not interesting. The people that do them, I don't think are that interesting or creative. And they get a new generation just fucking hooked on them. They're all wildly homoerotic. It's all about big, strong muscle guys just sort of beating the shit out of other people that are clearly evil. There's no nuance. And everyone just has a sort of like, hey, what can you do? Well, I'm a girl and I spin around and I make a tornado. All right, what do you do? I see through things. What do you do? I can stretch my arm under. You know, it's kind of like.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you ever wish that you had a super.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's fucking lame. All that comic book stuff is lame. It's for assholes. Who's into that shit?

[Allison Rosen]

I thought your son is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's. Yeah, I'll get him. I'll get him on to porn any day now. I understand, like, stuff that you're into.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's very. I mean, very few girls are into it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're Smarter than we are in that respect. And it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there's no Barbie comics.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also. It's. It's. It's really homoerotic. Wildly homoerotic. Like, the outfits are really super tight and the guys have these crazy. You know, they're all pieces. Yeah, they're all built like they're on creatine and stuff. And then they do a lot of wrestling with other dudes, and it's just wild fantasy. I really don't get it at all. I never have. When I was a kid, I would see this stuff. Me. Like, who gives me a shit? You shouldn't. No one should give a shit. Now. It's just. It's a it. And as I've said, creatively, it's. It's kind of a cop out. Like, there's not much to it. Not that smart. And then they come out with the new dark version of it. Like, oh, this isn't your dad's Batman. This is a one. This. This Batman struggling with his sexuality, then who the fuck needs that?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that's what I was gonna say is most of those ones you mentioned are for little kids, like boys and stuff. Like, you know, they're kind of hokey and all the Stan Lee stuff from the 70s or whatever, but there are some cool. Like, you know, I will say, yeah, teen adults, graphic novels, the Watchman and.

[Adam Carolla]

Sin City, to me. And I'm just saying, more. Has there ever been more money made from less creativity? It's not that great fun to think about it. Just. He's Superman. What's he do? Everything.

Well, good. What's the danger that. Well, he can't see through lead. All right, well, I can see that being a big issue.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah. I really. I mean, even the ones that everyone else was into, I really. I really never got that into Superman 4. Scared the crap out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

The idea of someone.

[Allison Rosen]

Computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was number three. Whatever, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

This was my point. I proved my point.

[Brian Bishop]

With Richard Pryor.

[Allison Rosen]

I proved my point.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and Annie.

[Allison Rosen]

What's her name?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do some. Yeah, I'll come up with her name in a second.

[Allison Rosen]

Annie Hall.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we do a little news Pots? Potts. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What was her name? Not any pots. Yes.

[Podcast Announcer]

From the International News center next to Donnie's Mini Bikes, this is the News with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me just say this. If you get a four and a half year old interested in whatever your product is, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Take that, Big Wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's. I mean, I'm not gonna Sit around and watch a Woody Allen movie with my four and a half year old. He's gonna be bored off his ass, but he will. He will read, damn it. He will read your piece of shit novel or I'll read it to him. Graphic novel. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, okay. Elizabeth Taylor's estate is worth so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Money for the fucking white diamonds. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Now, white diamonds, her Fragrance alone made $77 million just last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Alison, please. Help me. Help me.

[Allison Rosen]

Smells like shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Help me.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Help me. I've. I've. I've mentioned that Oswaldo, my sidekicks made wears. Would. His wife, who was my housekeeper, would wear that. Would I. I did mention that on this sidekick in law, it was so. Have I mentioned that, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

I think you did yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

These people do not dab anything on. They go whole hog, these people. Well, I will say this about sidekicks. No, no, no. You say what you want about the Latins, but they don't do anything half speed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all boom. It's fucking 100% right in your face.

[Allison Rosen]

They have a fiesta with their pulse points.

[Adam Carolla]

She would. She would put that. Apply the white diamonds almost like. Like the scene from Flashdance where she pulled the string and the bucket would come down on her.

[Allison Rosen]

Excellent reference.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. That's amazing. And I would walk into my house and my eyes would start tearing up and I'd be like, this is fucking horrible. And then I would hug my kids. And because she hugged the shit out of my kids, the kids would smell like little carriers. And somebody had to tactfully tell her that Adam was allergic to it and could you please stop wearing it? Which.

Yeah, this happens every morning. Before she'd come on, now. Can I say this isn't it. Everybody's crazy greatest fear to have the same embarrassing things said to them two times in a row.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like usually after the first embarrassment, you'd just crawl into a hole and die or move.

[Adam Carolla]

If you. If you, let's just say, went out with a friend for lunch and she said.

This is embarrassing. And I'm not sure how to say this.

[Allison Rosen]

I already don't even want to be at this lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But you know what? You're my friend and. And I just think I can smell your breath from here. It's just. It's bad. And I don't know if you need to go to the dentist or something, but I'm just telling you as a friend, and I hope you're not upset. Well, the next Time you go out to lunch with that friend you're fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

I never would, first of all.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you did, you'd floss five times and brush three times. And you would essentially do a beer bong of Lavoris. Right. Just fucking one up the ass, one down the chute. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

So after somebody in Spanish told Ozzy's wife Sylvia, hey, man, the Adam's allergic to the perfume and it's kind of hurting his eyes. So before, when you come over on Friday, could you just not apply?

[Allison Rosen]

You got an interpreter to do this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I got my nanny to do it.

She took one Friday off of the perfume. Not. She was there the following Friday.

[Allison Rosen]

Get herself.

[Adam Carolla]

She took one. No, she was there, but the white, the white diamonds were not. The following Friday had doubled down on. On the white diamonds. And again, people go, well, maybe she didn't get the message, but she got the message enough to not do it the following week. But then the week after that, really just fucking at that point, just got dunked for a week.

[Allison Rosen]

Revenge.

[Adam Carolla]

It worked because my nostrils have been raped like they've never been raped before. It's in the song.

[Brian Bishop]

Perhaps she had been putting so much on for so long, it was in.

[Adam Carolla]

Her pores, in her skin. Yeah, maybe she belts or farted or cried or something. The point is that perfume, like she.

[Allison Rosen]

Was going into withdrawal because she didn't apply it once.

[Adam Carolla]

And so, yeah, it's a waxy pile of shit.

Here's the thing about, about me. Everyone just thinks I'm just some buffoon who. Just some douchebag who makes off color jokes and does shit. Yeah, it's true. I do have a very keen eye for aesthetics and I have a keen eye for what things should look like and smell like. And I can pick out a nice dress, I don't give a fuck, but I have a good eye and a good nose for all that shit. This stuff smells like a waxy mess. It bad. It's bad perfume. It's. It's just, it's. You know what it smells like? It smells like the definition of perfume. It's just like sort of grandma perfume perfume. Like boom.

[Allison Rosen]

Like in all caps with an exclamation point.

[Adam Carolla]

This is perfume. Like that, that smell. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It was made for old people whose senses are kind of going, it's just.

[Allison Rosen]

Like it was popular in 1925. I think that's true. No, it just smells like it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's certain perfume that has a kind of a nuance to it. And you go, oh, what's I smell something good. Like, but I don't know what it is or where it's coming from. This is like perfume. And. And by the way, there is a male version of this. It's the douchebag loan. No, I was thinking of the deep odorant. Like, the guys who were like, I wear Old Spice extra red super endurance in your face. You know, it's like. And it's just like, you smell their deodorant. Like, it doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, here's the thing about deodorant. If you smell it, it's probably not good, you know? You know, I mean, like, it deodorizes, right? I will use. Or antiperspirant. Like, whatever. Like, I will use a little. Like, you like the Toms of Maine stuff. They just have a sort of natural. Or just like a honeysuckle Y thing or just a baby powder. I used it. I use the baby powder stuff all the time. Just like, you know, it just smells a little like powder, that's all. But the guys who have super red endurance sports, you know, super active. This is. Yeah. And then.

[Allison Rosen]

Or extreme.

[Adam Carolla]

It just smells like deodorant, dude. Like, it smells like. It smells like pit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? So it's like I just wandered into the Sequoia National Forest or someone's armpit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's even worse because it's not even really a smell other than deodorant smell. Why do guys do that?

[Allison Rosen]

I think they're afraid that they smell and they think this is how they can cover it.

[Adam Carolla]

But why not slap on again, just, you know, like I said, secret. I know it's for a chick, but it's just like, maybe white shit. And it just. It's just like smells like baby powder.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it is strong enough for a man.

[Adam Carolla]

It's made for a woman.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe they've been expertly marketed to. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Not expertly. They're just dumb. Yeah, they just see a lot of guys.

[Allison Rosen]

People begin applying mothballs, though. Have you noticed a certain.

[Adam Carolla]

A certain level of grandma that comes from the closet? But I am saying that this white diamond shit is. I don't know how else to explain it other than it's waxy and it's old and it's very like, hey, everyone, I'm wearing perfume. It's not subtle and it's bad. And I just thought, you know. You know how I'm racist?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought, okay, well, she's going down to the fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

I am too now.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Yes. And I thought, all right, well, she doesn't have much money and she's just going down to the Mexican swap meet and buying a big fucking tub of shit. This is just perfume, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like the Mexican Jean Nate.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right, yeah. Juana. Juanita. Juanita Nate. So that's what I thought. And then I had no idea until Kimmel bought me a big jug of white diamonds for my.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that a gag gift?

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's a gag gift. That's what rich guys do and they get you. But I didn't know it was white diamonds. And when I found out was white diamonds, like, holy shit. I didn't know was this. This is a big 60 million dollar year industry.

[Allison Rosen]

Smells like 77 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Smells like ass. Sorry. So, yeah, and hold on. Okay, you know this, this BS where it goes like it smells a little bit different on every woman, but.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Like how a mood ring turns the same color.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a cologne.

Pheromone. This stuff smells like. And if I put it on a hamster would smell like. And if I put on a throw rug, it would smell like. And if I put it on Farrah Fawcett's corpse, it would smell like shit. And if I put on Gisele Bunch in it, I wouldn't fuck her.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe your problem is you don't have no certain kinds of shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, because it has top notes of shit. And then also the dry down is shit.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Now what if someone sprays it into the room and then walks through it, which is what you're supposed to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what you do?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's shitty smelling. You've smelled it, right? You know what it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Off the top of my head, like there's a bunch of perfumes that I associate.

[Adam Carolla]

It's bad. It's waxy. It's waxy and grandma esque. Other than that, it's awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

I love it. Okay, so $77 million a year for the perfume and then her estate is 600 million.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the cushion.

[Allison Rosen]

It's estimated between 600 million and 1 billion.

[Adam Carolla]

The cushiest gig on the planet. Because somebody approached her. I know somebody came up to her in 1989 and said, hey, we got an idea. It's called white Diamonds. Our chemists have figured it all out. They've done the. Whatever you do, a couple commercials, put your name on it and you're rich forever.

[Allison Rosen]

You should have a fragrance.

[Adam Carolla]

It can't be expensive.

[Brian Bishop]

We've got to make a list of celebrities who've gotten very, very rich off of endorsing like the Naming rights of something they have nothing to do with, like Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds, the George Foreman Grill. There's got to be a list of celebrities who just make bank off of probably the Jane Fonda workout. Sure. Some actual, you know, nutritionist or trainer or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Bobby Jacuzzi, his buddy Tommy Hot Tub came on one day and said, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry, I think that also you should be suspicious. We're looking at a photo right now. Perfumes that are really dark colored, they always smell acrid bad. So speaking of endorsements and things, Aflac is holding a open casting call to be the voice of the Duck. And as we know, you know, Gilbert Gottfried was the voice, but then he tweeted jokes about Japan, and we actually spoke with him about that on the podcast about what happened. So anyway, in the first 24 hours after the open casting began on March 24, some 28,500 people had viewed the job description and 1500 had sort of anticlimactic. Submitted an application.

Says the VP of External Communications. We wanted to open this up to well known talent as well as undiscovered talent to see what we might get. Agents. Agents tell us that when they make a call to customers, people can't say Aflac without quacking it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? I mean, Aflac, that's what it is?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it? It's supplementary. And does anyone ever. Does anyone know anyone who has this? Yes. Does it work?

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of people in commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. A lot of our feathered friends.

[Brian Bishop]

You must have been approached for this potential. Has Dixon told you anything about this? They'd be remiss not to call you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well.

I don't know, because what happens is the way the things work is you Google my name, the first thing that comes up is Adam Carolla hates Asians too. And it's like, that's it. You know what I mean? I don't think I can get any of these.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe that's why they need an unknown, because that person hasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Offended anyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Burned anyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost every comedian, if you put their name in, something will come up. That's horrible that they said at some point. Really, we're really getting a lot done as a society. We've created this world wide web, and it's really just a sort of. It's become a schoolyard where everyone goes, ooh, I'm gonna tell. And then they just put at the top of everything and then they make a big fucking deal about. Since when did comedians. Comedians, for the love of Christ, comedians. How did that become a big. Yeah, who gives a fuck about that? Let me explain something about comedians. First off, I'm supposed to be drunk right now. Secondly, I'm supposed to be fucking a 14 year old and then throwing my mistress through a plate glass window. That's what I do. That's what comedians do.

[Allison Rosen]

You're such a slacker then because you're not doing any of those things. You're just hating people who aren't feeling from here. You're just hating people who are different.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, you know all. And all the fuck I do is just call it like I see it. If I see a difference or I see something, then I point it out. That's what comedians do by the way, we point shit out. See, it's that sort of thing where you go, how come if my wife does this and I got to do that and how come my, my son, he doesn't. How come my daughter. But if you go, hey, how come there's no looting going on in Japan but there's constantly fighting going on in the Middle East? Like oh well now, now we got a problem. Really? Cuz I thought that's all we did was notice shit and point it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know what's a real problem?

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm?

[Allison Rosen]

The fact that a deadly cobra is missing from the Bronx Zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it's been missing since Friday.

According to cnn. So wait, an adolescent Egyptian cobra was adolescent, so you know all those hormones went missing from an off exhibit enclosure? According to cnn, the Egyptian cobra's venom is so deadly that it can kill a full grown elephant in three hours or a person in about 15 minutes. The venom destroys nerve tissue and causes.

[Adam Carolla]

Paralysis and or super fat guy in about 45. Like I'm doing some, I'm just doing.

[Allison Rosen]

The math right in between like a llama somewhere like 12 hours, says the zoo. Based on our knowledge of the natural history and behavior of snakes, we know they seek closed in spaces and are not comfortable in open areas. We are confident that the snake, about 20 inches long, is contained in a non public isolate isolation area within the building. Update today, which is day four of the cobra hunt, officials of the Bronx Zoo put out a statement cautioning that they may not find the adolescent Egyptian cobra for days, perhaps even weeks. Quote we understand the interest in this story and that everyone wants us to find the missing snake. James Bruhaney, the zoo's director said right now it's the snakes game. I hope he, I think they're hoping the snake will read this.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope he eats that Affleck duck. That'd be awesome if he got to that duck. Just.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't want to break it to you, but the duck is played by twin ducks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, because. Because of. I don't know. It could be. It could be a whole gaggle.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we gotta get Hachi over there with his flute.

[Allison Rosen]

This snake is 20 inch inches long and it's pencil thin, though. That's not how I imagined the snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, exactly. Adolescent, I guess. Gotta fill out. He'll fill out in high school.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. He weighs less than 3 ounces. So much destruction in less than 3 ounces.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So people should not be expecting daily updates. They'll just let you know when they find the damn snake. Get off our back. That's what they're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The snake is not contained to this area because if the snake was contained to this one area, then they'd find it. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You. I mean, you would think, except that apparently the reptile house. The holding areas of the reptile house are extremely complex environments with pumps, motors, and other mechanical systems. In this complex environment. Oh, it's a she.

[Adam Carolla]

I got.

[Allison Rosen]

She will likely remain in hiding and not move until she feels completely secure. As her comfort level rises, she will begin to move around the building to seek food and water. That's when they get her.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I got a movie. Because the snake is this. Is this in New York? Say they're in.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Bronx.

[Adam Carolla]

Bronx.

[Allison Rosen]

Bronx Zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Snake gets out and mates with Donald Trump. And then we got a super villain on our hands. It's just buying real estate, taking down water bison and stuff, right? Yeah, half. There's always. There used to be a lot of movies where people turned into something thing. There was a. There was a movie, actually.

That'S going to sound like I have a lisp, but there was a movie called.

It was just called.

Was Bad. When every movie got horrible.

How many S's the Five. Something like that. And it could be living in Trump's head, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy turned into a stage snake and S.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna come out.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a terrible title.

[Adam Carolla]

I think about coming up one called.

It'S all Fs.

[Allison Rosen]

And what did the person turn into in that one?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck stick.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I want to come up with one called Z for a person that turns into a bee or a fly.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you don't get it. Yes, it does.

[Adam Carolla]

Move it on. Moving on.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, do you want to come up with a movie?

[Brian Bishop]

Was that the movie came out in 73s. Yeah, 70s are not a good time for titles now. There was dollar signs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

There was X.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Or was it Z?

[Adam Carolla]

I have maybe both. I, I. Well, there's. Well, Malcolm X was called X.

[Brian Bishop]

No, that was Malcolm X.

[Adam Carolla]

The logo was that just called it. Oh, the logo. Yeah. Yeah, it was bad. Everything was bad back then. Sorry, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Really? No love for bzz.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Because you don't know how to spell it. No, it's got a B and a Z. Fine. All right. Did you know that Katy Perry's mom is selling a book? Oh, her mom who's.

Evangelist. Yeah, she's Christian. Katy Perry was raised in the Christian ministry.

[Adam Carolla]

I can tell by her videos where she's about like a whore.

[Allison Rosen]

Mary Perry Hudson has been shopping a proposal on how her daughter's racy lyrics, foul mouth, fiance now husband, Russell Brand, and suggestive outfits have affected her Christian ministry.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had enough of this Russell Brand. This Arthur does not look funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not seeing anything funny in that trailer yet. I like the guy. I like the guy because he brings it when he does a talk show. Just brings it. But I'm feeling like I'm getting a little too much of him. And that movie is not looking good thus far. We shall see.

[Brian Bishop]

He has yet to find his vehicle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It'd be nice if he found one that left the state because I'm tired. And he does that commercial where an overseas vehicle, Jennifer what's her name, is crawling around underneath his bed and. And she gets stuck to the bottom of it. And he's like, finally, we found something that's attracted to you. And it's like, oh, is she wearing iron underpants? Or did she just eat a handful of bird buckshot? Or like, what the fuck's going on? Why did she. Anyway, not that funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Doesn't look good.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Allison Rosen]

So anyway, her mom is kind of capitalizing on her, but saying that she's not. Anyway, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen.

[Podcast Announcer]

There's more news with Allison Rosen coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right. It's been a while. So I thought we'd play a little snippet from my audiobook because you guys have been such fine fans and supported it and kept it up on the charts, on itunes and all that kind of stuff. And it should be noted that there. It's quite different than the book. Book. Many, many things that are in one that aren't in the other. Because I was just rolling. This is. Imagine me attempting to read for two Seven hour sessions at a time. And again, more embarrassingly, when I can't even read my own words. So I went on some jags. This isn't one of them. This is a continuation of. See that? Smooth trans.

[Allison Rosen]

That was great. I didn't notice.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys, I can't hang out with the guy who wants to know where you got your cold. He's McGruff with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Robitussin. As soon as you tell him you have a cold, he tells you the date of his last cold and where he got it. Then he's gonna need to know where you got yours. I don't know is not an acceptable answer to this douchebag. He's a regular Sherlock Holmes who's gonna follow the trail of mucus until he breaks this case. While open. He asked, do you have kids? They probably picked something up at preschool and brought it home. Have you traveled recently? The air in those planes just recirculates. They're like flying petri dishes. Thanks. Cold and flu case. And what does he want me to do with this information? As soon as this fever breaks, I'm giving those kids away. Fuck em. And the next time business takes me to Chicago, I'm going by mutual.

I never drank guy. Close a hole cousin to the I don't own a TV guy. Now don't get me wrong. If you don't drink now because the last time you got drunk you drove your Pontiac Aztec through a Gymboree or beat the shit out of Tina Turner or screamed at a state trooper. What do you have that taser set on? Pussy. Then you have an excuse not to drink. I'm talking about the a hole who's never been drunk a day in his life. He says he doesn't like to feel out of control. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to hang out with a guy who won't pass out long enough for me to draw a cock on his forehead.

Guy who swims before work. This guy's always bright eyed and bushy tailed. You didn't think your hangover could get any worse? Try standing next to the guy who's never felt more alive. And no matter how early his job starts, he still finds time to squeeze in six or 700 laps over at the Y. This asshole never misses an opportunity to let you know he's a superior person. Me? Wait a minute. Didn't you go to the U2 concert last night? Him? That's right. I didn't go to bed till 1:30, but I still got up at 4:45 to hit the the why me? If I stay up till 10:15 beating off to blame it on Rio, I'm calling in sick the next day, you prick. This next one's literally a mouthful. Gay guy who acts so gay he's thought of as a chick and thus gets out of all the heavy lifting. I know it sounds convoluted, but just dig this theory. There are two kinds of gay. There's the I love to chug cock gay, and then there's I'm not gonna help you move gay. This guy's the ladder. Speaking of ladders, don't ask to borrow one. He doesn't own a fucking tool and he isn't gonna help you or anyone else do shit. He's essentially presented himself to society as a frail woman. You wouldn't tell Celine Dion, hey, grab that 40 pound sack of kibble out of the trunk of my car and bring it up to the apartment department. This breed of gay is well aware of this and relies heavily on it. Kind of like the assholes with the handicap plate going to the water park.

I think that's it. Yeah, I did. I had an assistant that was a gay that did the, you know, and I'm playing this up. It's, it's, it's the. There's a straight version of that. It's I got a bad back. There's no real, there's nothing you can do about it. Just eventually that guy never has to help anyone move or do anything. And there's no such thing as like, hey, go out to the truck and give me a hand with the, yeah, bad back. There is a gay guy that's just like, I'm a chick and I don't do whatever. And I had this assistant. I'd be like, go down the Home Depot and grab a sheet of plywood and bring it and be like, I don't do that. I don't. You know, it was like, like I said, it'd be like asking, you know, Zsa Zsa Gabor to go to fucking Home Depot and pick up something. Yeah, that's a picture of me and Matt and Tori Amos.

[Allison Rosen]

So how long did he last as your assistant then?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what happened? A few things happened. He was hired because.

He wrote Daniel Kellison, the guy me and Jimmy worked with and one of our partners, a Globe letter about reading about him and being a fan of his and blah, blah, blah. So of course he was a big fan and sir Daniel wanted to help him and Then when I was going to do my home improvement show, I needed an assistant just. Anyway and Daniel, because he was producing said wouldn't it be funny to get super gay Matt to be your assistant to come onto the construction site and blah blah, blah. And it seemed like a good time. Like, you know, it seemed like, you know, having. Be really funny to have a drunken dwarf as your assistant or something. But until you have to do the day to day stuff, you know. And Matt wasn't a bad guy, but he calm damaged goods and a few issues. A couple issues. And Tori Amos fan. Big Tori Amos fan. And Tori Amos liked me, believe it or not, as a. What we. She did Loveline quite a few times and we had a good time and she just dug me. I don't know what it was. It was like these opposite souls, but they.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you married?

[Adam Carolla]

But they were attracted already. No, no. And I wasn't. It was, it wasn't a sexual thing. She just dug. There's something about me. We were completely different people. But. But she dug me, right? And I dug her. I thought she. I think she's a real talented artist, you know, I'm not, I don't sit around listen to Tori Amos. But I thought here's a talent, you know, and my ears, my whole thing in life, you know when I say that, you know, like Britney Spears sucks, everyone goes, oh, that's not. Yeah, but that's not for you. No, no, she lip syncs, she can't dance, her fucking songs suck. They sound like they've all been sung through a fucking robot head and they, they suck. They suck. Okay. And there's a lot of other things that, you know, Tyler Perry sucks and it's like, oh, you're not black. You're not. That's not for you. But not. No, no, no, he sucks and Britney Spears sucks and Tori Spelling is. I don't sit around listen to Tori Spelling. Sorry, Tori Spelling does suck. I don't sit around and listen to Tori Amos, but I recognize that she's a very talented person. And there's.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys talk on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Many people that way. Now that was.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you go to lunch?

[Adam Carolla]

That was Amy, man. But anyway. Did you exchange emails till Tuesday. Anyway, anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

What about Fiona Apple?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, Fiona and I got on pretty good too. So she was coming to town and she was playing a concert.

[Allison Rosen]

So basically all of Lilith Fair loves Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but Tori does and we're friendly. And Matt, my assistant's a massive Tori Amos fan and this is one of her I ain't playing with my band. I'm not gonna wear my panties. I'm gonna straddle this piano bench and I'm gonna cry every single song I play. One of those songs, one of those tours, and so I'm like. And I'm busier and shit. I'm doing like three TV shows. I'm fucking exhausted and everything else. And then it's like, hey, Tori Spelling is coming to town.

[Allison Rosen]

Amos.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Amos. So sad that I keep saying Spelling said Amos. Anyway, Tori Amos coming, I think John Amos. Because they're almost the same person. Good times, dad. And so.

[Allison Rosen]

Or famous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. So they're going to film it for this TV show I'm doing. So it's going to be great. They're going to have the crew, they're going to have me and my assistant. We're going to beat the Tori Amos concert, then backstage and blah, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I'm fucking exhausted. And like I said, I'm working three jobs and everything else, but I'm like, okay, I will go with you because it's content for this home improvement show. Well, like the day before I find out they can't get a crew together and they're not gonna. We're not shooting.

[Allison Rosen]

So now you just have a date to go to the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my first impulse is like, great, because I'm fucking exhausted and I just want to sit home on a Friday night or Saturday night. I am whooped. And then I get the big puppy dog eyes from Matt and he says, we're still going to Tori, aren't we?

[Ileana Douglas]

Aww.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, of course we are. And then it was just me and 7,000 guests, guys @ the Greek Theater sitting up front, every one of them aptly named. Yes, the Greco Active Theater. And she's just banging away on that piano. And then at the end I'm like, well, you want to meet her? And she's like. I was like, all right. So we just went backstage and Tori, Matt, and. Yeah. Didn't have the heart to tell him, or Tory, for that matter, that I just wanted to fucking go.

[Allison Rosen]

Home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But a good guy, I mean, you know, ball of talent. What are you gonna say? You know what I.

[Allison Rosen]

Mean? Well, that's very nice of.

[Adam Carolla]

You. It was. I'm sure it'll score me some points with Gods. You went with a gay guy? Where? Oh, Jesus. All right, should we bring in.

[Allison Rosen]

Ileana? Let's do.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Yeah, let's take a break. Yeah, there's, by the way, in the same name Game department. No further apart than the Tori Amos and the John.

[Allison Rosen]

Amos.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. We'll take a quick break. I think we'll do the tournament of Rosen, by the way, when we come.

[Allison Rosen]

Back. Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

Good. Either Tori or John Amos heard of each.

[Adam Carolla]

Other.

I know John Amos.

[Brian Bishop]

Doesn'T. Yeah, that's what I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Thinking. But I know Tori knows good times. She knows good times, but not maybe the.

[Brian Bishop]

Name. Name Ra.

[Adam Carolla]

Recognition. She's not a teeny bopper, you know what I.

[Brian Bishop]

Mean? She wasn't coming to.

[Adam Carolla]

America. He.

[Brian Bishop]

Was. Yeah, he was. So maybe she knows him that.

[Adam Carolla]

Way. But he didn't wear a jacket that said I'm John.

[Brian Bishop]

Amos. No.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I feel like when it's your name, you should know. On the other hand, there's a million times when I've gone up to people like producer Angie, who, by the way, just didn't want to give me an ounce of satisfaction back when we were doing the radio show. And I'm like, you know that Stone song, Angie? Hey. And she's like, huh? And I'm like, please, come on, Angie. The Stone song, Angie. It's a, you know, it's pretty popular song. I don't know. You're named Angie and there's a hit song called.

[Allison Rosen]

Angie. I've been the hundredth person to sing that to.

[Adam Carolla]

Her. Somebody must have come up and said that before me. No, they did not. She's worked in radio.

[Allison Rosen]

For. There's no way. There's no. Like every single human being being whoever called me has sung on my answering machine the Elvis Costello song. Not that I have an answering machine anymore, but, you know. So I'm sure that she was making. She.

[Adam Carolla]

Was. No. Well, by the way, she would just disagree for the sake of disagreeing. Paul Bryan doesn't know anything about that. But you were there when.

[Brian Bishop]

She. I tried to pick up the.

[Adam Carolla]

Slack. When she left, she. Brian doubled down. She honestly said, I don't. And they always pull this shit where they go, hey, man, I'm only this.

[Allison Rosen]

Old. This.

[Adam Carolla]

Many. But she said she was called Angela. I guess, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Still. So then it must have just been non stop. Who's the boss References.

[Adam Carolla]

Angela. That's what I'm thinking. All right, let's take a break. We'll be right.

[Ileana Douglas]

Back.

I did it. I won co worker of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Year. I know that.

[Podcast Announcer]

Dummy. I'm the one that gave you the idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember?

A lot of good it did.

[Ileana Douglas]

Me. I thought because I won something that I'd have friends. I thought people would like.

[Adam Carolla]

Me. I thought I'D have a.

[Ileana Douglas]

Boyfriend. Look at me flying.

[Adam Carolla]

Solo.

Ileana. When I was a young boy.

[Podcast Announcer]

I wanted to learn to ride a unicycle because I knew if I learned to ride a unicycle that I would stand.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. And I knew if I stood.

[Podcast Announcer]

Out that my papa would be proud of.

[Adam Carolla]

Me. And I knew if my papa.

[Podcast Announcer]

Was proud of me, that meant that he loved.

[Ileana Douglas]

Me. So you learned how to ride a.

[Podcast Announcer]

Unicycle? I never did. But I died trying. Iliana Douglas on the Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Show Love Me Some Ileana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr. For that matter. What a guy. Creator and star of the web series Easy to Assemble. Third season starts this spring. Justine Bateman's in this thing. Fred Willard. There's a great guy. Patricia Heaton. I don't know Patricia Heaton, but Willard I.

[Ileana Douglas]

Know. Oh, she's great. Fred is awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Too. Fred is.

[Ileana Douglas]

Fred. Yeah. If he, if you have Fred in your show, pretty much anybody else will show.

[Brian Bishop]

Up. Careful, Adam, that means he's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Dick. I know. Usually when I, when he, when you repeat the name twice, it's celebrity interview for that guy's an asshole. Like when you were doing Goodfellas and someone went, how was it working with Robert De Niro? And you'd go, like, oh, he's such a talent and such a giving actor and so generous. And then they go, how about Joe Pesci? And you go, joe Pesci, salt of the earth. What a guy. And then they'd go, how about Martin Scorsese? And you'd go, marty's Marty. You know, he does what Marty does. You know, like, that's code. That's as close as a celebrity says for this guy's a. I hate this guy. But whenever you hear the, you know, Marty. Marty's Marty. He's.

[Allison Rosen]

Iron. I'm not sure I've heard Adam's.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam. Oh, that was for my.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wife. You know what I hear on a weekly basis? I hear I audition to be his wife everywhere I go. How many women audition to be your.

[Adam Carolla]

Wife? Oh, oh. Well, the thing is, is if you do, if you, you do a couple of sitcoms on a network, pilots, back to back, where you need a.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You will see every woman between 34 and 42 in Hollywood in this weird. Sometimes they audition. Other times you have these chemistry meetings. Other times, like poor. Oh, God, who was it? Which Arquette was Rosanna Arquette? Rosanna Arquette, literally, she, she ended her career in the casting office with me. I'm a fan Like, I'm just a schlub from the Valley. I like, what are you auditioning to play my wife.

[Allison Rosen]

For? You know, Desperately Seeking.

[Adam Carolla]

Susan. Desperately Seeking Susan, like, came in to audition for me and, like, kind of went up a line, then flubbed one. Then at a certain point, it's the worst thing ever. You're seeking there. There's a big oak table and 10 assholes on the other side of it. And she just came, Little Rosanna for you. And she came in and at a certain point she just, like. She, like, stopped and she just went.

You. You people know I. You know what I can do, right? Like, you know, I've been doing it for so long. And then she, like, looks at me and she's like, adam, I don't have to do this. I mean, I've been doing this for. Why do. Why am I Audi. I mean, Adam. And I'm nothing personal. And I'm like, no, no, I'm. No, you're right. And then she's, like, starting to cry intermittently, and she's like, I just don't feel like I need to do. It's this weird thing when as an actress, and especially as a beautiful actress actress, this thing where you're not 30 or 28 anymore, you're knocking on the door of 50 and you're auditioning to play my fucking. My fucking wife, and you're hoping that you get the opportunity to play this asshole's wife on it. And she's like, literally, like, broke down and just went like, I'm sorry. I just. I just. I don't need to do this. I shouldn't have to do this. And I'm like, I wholeheartedly agree. You should not have to do.

[Allison Rosen]

This. Like, but you're never gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Work. At a point, just kept, like, looking up, going, adam. And I'm like, how do you even know my name? Like, I couldn't. I didn't know that she would. I would. Someone must have told her on the way in and she just completely had a meltdown. And I don't know if she's gone out.

I was amusing for me, but I felt. I felt.

[Allison Rosen]

Bad. Eliana, have you ever done that in an.

[Ileana Douglas]

Audition? No, I've been.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty. But don't you feel like screaming? Like, I was in Good fucking fellas. God damn it.

No, I do it, and I wasn't even in.

[Allison Rosen]

It.

People are confused when he does.

[Ileana Douglas]

It. I have one the I sort of parrot. In this season of Easy to Assemble called Finding north, we have a director that Is loosely based on some auditions that I had. And I auditioned once for a director named Alan Parker. And halfway through the audition, he stopped and said, who sent you here? W. Probably not a good. Yeah, things aren't going well. And then just abruptly kind of got up and left the room as I was there. And then I was sort of waiting. I didn't know if I was supposed to leave or not. And then he instructed me, rather yelled at me to leave, to get out of.

[Adam Carolla]

There. It was so goddamn.

[Ileana Douglas]

Brutal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We had Amy Landecker, who was in a serious Man, I think the Coen brothers.

[Ileana Douglas]

Movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. She was not. Or the movie was nominated for best film or what. She was literally in town for the Oscars, and they were talking about casting her. And I don't know, we want to see her again and could she come out again and does she have some tape? And I was like, good enough for the Coen brothers, everybody. The coen brothers got together and decided she's good enough for their movie. I was. Would say, good enough for our shit ball fucking sitcom. Wouldn't you say, everybody? And I was like, it's like, really? That good enough. The Coen brothers signed off on her to be in their feature. So I'm gonna just say, good enough to play my.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they're like, no, we gotta see her again for the sitcom or that's for a.

[Ileana Douglas]

Sitcom. Yeah, that's usually the way it is. It's. It's. It's sometimes the TV things, they make you audition.

And the movies directors just call you and. And. And have you do it. I did. There was a pilot audition a few weeks ago. Because, of course, the joke of it is, they always pester you. No, no. You're the only one they.

[Allison Rosen]

Want.

[Ileana Douglas]

Only. No, there's. You just. And it's just like you said, it's just a chemistry read, but. And then you have to do your contract before, you know, you have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Sign. Sure.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah. And so I did one of those. And then you start psyching yourself up into, like, well, it is a lot of money, and I. I will be able to buy my mom that new car.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And then you take it back, and.

[Ileana Douglas]

I'll. I'll move to Florida. And then I went in for the audition, and it was me and two black.

[Adam Carolla]

Girls.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wow. And it was one of the most awkward.

[Allison Rosen]

Times.

[Ileana Douglas]

Fool. It was like the most awkward.

[Adam Carolla]

Experience because Going for the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Same. Yes. And I had to go in. And the other girls were looking at me like, you know, you're not black. And I'm like, I know I'm not black. You know, like. Because there. There were two.

[Adam Carolla]

Girls.

[Ileana Douglas]

Sure. And I was just the one girl. And when I went in, I mean, they were all sitting there was. And nobody said anything. I thought it was one of the strangest experiences. And again, I said, you do know I'm not African American, right? Like, before I. And I shouldn't have said. I tried to make a light of.

[Allison Rosen]

The. Shouldn't have pointed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. Tyler Perry represents Cape.

[Ileana Douglas]

Fear. They did not find that to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Amusing. Did you get, did you get the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Role? I did not. I don't think any of us got the role. Usually you can, you can sort of sense they.

[Adam Carolla]

Will. They will do little things. You can tell. There's little tells. When the casting guys are getting kind of tired, they'll go, you know, we're just reading the first scene now we're just reading the first scene instead of the three scenes or just reading the first scene. But you can always tell if you did a good job on the first scene because they'll go, you know what, Eliana, let's go ahead and see that second scene. As long as you prepared for that. That means if it's first scene and out, you're.

[Ileana Douglas]

Done.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And if they heap it on a little too thick. That was awesome. Awesome. Well, we're so glad. So, you know, it's that sort of weird parent of the special needs kid and they done their first finger painting. Oh, it's going right on the refrigerator. Like they're just a little. Because if they're seriously considering you for the role, they're playing it a little closer to the vest. Like, they'll go, yeah, that was good. That's good. Let's. Let's try it again. They're kind of in business mode. They're like, let's see it again. I want to. Let's try it this way. But when they're. Get the fuck out of here, we got to see something. Oh, awesome. Awesome. All right. Well, thank you very.

[Ileana Douglas]

Much. But it's so funny. And then some things where it's a huge part and they just call you and give it to.

[Adam Carolla]

You. Really? Who are they? How's that.

[Ileana Douglas]

Work? Well, like, for instance, the. In the show that I just did, Chaos, that's executive produced by Brett Ratner, and I know Brett and I've worked at cbs and it was like this amazing part to play Tim Blake Nelson's ex wife. And they just. And I. You open it up, you go, well, now this is a mistake. I'm in every. But it should. This is.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge. But you know what I don't understand, and it kind of pisses me off about this business, and it's because there's too many chefs in the kitchen. And by the way, when I say chefs, I mean hacky fucking busboys who don't know the fucking.

[Brian Bishop]

Paprika. Line.

[Adam Carolla]

Cooks. Barely line cooks. I mean, this guy's fucking hacks. But there's way too many people. And what I don't understand is in other realms, you know, when I was a carpenter, people just go, oh, he's a good carpenter. And then their friend would say, do you have a good carpenter? And I go, yeah, his name's Adam. He's honest. He's really good carpenter. And they go, oh, okay. I wouldn't have to go to their house. And I go, all right, pop quiz. Which one's the straight bit? Which one's the Romano G bit? Which one's a trim bit for the router? Like, they knew I was a carpenter. The friend said I was carpenter. And when I went back to the guy's house to do more work, I was like, oh, here's the carpenter guy. I will let him ply his trade. And it works that way with sports. Like, if Derek Jeter gets traded to the Mets, he doesn't have to do a tryout. Like, I. Don't give me that face. I mean, they.

[Brian Bishop]

Know. Pass a.

[Adam Carolla]

Physical. They are. You pass a physical, but that just makes sure, you know, I'm spina bifida. But they know, and that's because there's $30 million on the line. But they know what you do. You know, they. They know what you can do. And you should know what Iliane Douglas can do. And why. Why do you need her to come in and read this shitty script for you? I mean, don't. You know she's been around? Don't you? And I'm glad in this case it worked out, but it should sort of work that way all the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Time. Well, I. Of course. I mean, we would all love that to happen, but it hardly ever.

[Brian Bishop]

Does. What does the chemistry read? How does that different than, like, a regular. Just.

[Ileana Douglas]

Audition? I think it's. Again, it's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Code. They don't do a.

[Ileana Douglas]

Read. You know.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S. Here's what it is.

There's the. I will. I will come in and audition. That's the. Well, it's not the lowest rung. The lowest rungs. You don't get to audition. But you get to a certain point where I'll come in and I'll dance for you. Then there's the part where I don't audition. Like, I'm. Oh, shit. Who is that? That blonde? Melanie Potter. I think her name is Monica Potter. Oh, Monica Potter. Oh, she was such a bitch. She came in and she doesn't audition because she's such a, you know, comedic force of nature. It's funny. Look how funny she.

[Allison Rosen]

Is. She played opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. In.

[Adam Carolla]

Something. Yeah. And the reason I'm being a dick is because she came in and she wouldn't audition, which is like, all right, fine. But she will do a Kevin chemistry whatever with you, which is, I'm not gonna read for you or I'm not gonna tell any jokes. I don't dance, monkey. But I will sit down with you for a half hour. Just. We'll talk and we'll kind of see how it's going and we'll see how we're vibing. And so she comes in and sits down with me and the guy who created the show, you know, and she sits there and all of a sudden she just becomes a hot blonde. And we're in high school and we're like, so, how's it going, mom? And she's like, good, I guess. And like, so where are you from? You know? And I look 20 minutes into it, I realized we just asked her. Like, she just sort of sat there, like, the whole time. We asked her every question she. And then she got up and left and we all just looked at each other and I just said, blondes don't dance. Like, she didn't come in. Like, hi, fellas. Ooh, Anyone need a warm up on their coffee? She sat there and like, yeah, what do you need? Like, I thought you were supposed to come in and knock our socks off, but she's a hot blonde chick and she's like, I'm sliding into hot blonde mode and we're sliding into doofus dude mode. And she just sat there and she didn't say a funny word or do anything. And she just sat there sort of like, we're wasting her time. And then she.

[Ileana Douglas]

Left. Well, sometimes, you know, it's. I sound like a Pollyanna, but Monica's Monica. You know, auditions are always awkward and weird, but then sometimes, again, what you're told before you go in the room sure. Is completely insulting. Sometimes not be true. Or. Yeah, they say, oh, they. Adam loves you and he just.

[Adam Carolla]

Wants you to come.

[Ileana Douglas]

In. And then for all you know, you know you're waiting for her to do something. I mean, it.

[Adam Carolla]

Certainly. No, what happens is they do that thing where they go. The agent goes, oh, this guy's a big fan. He's just dying to. He just wants you to be a part of whatever. And then they tell me, oh, she's a big fan. She really wants to be a part of this way. Whatever. It's this. It's sort of good copy. Better cop or high.

[Ileana Douglas]

Cop. They want you to. They're.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. And then they get you together, and you both sort of sit there going, I thought she was a big fan. And then the person's going, I thought he was a big fan. And you just sit there staring at each other. It's an awesome chemistry test. I'm just saying. It was definitely one of those. I am a hot blonde. I have been a hot blonde for my entire life. And I don't go walking into rooms where the. There's three schlubby dudes sitting there and try to impress anyone. I sit here while they compete over me. And even though it's a gig, and even though I'm trying to get the gig, that has been so burned into my psyche, I can't act any differently. And she just really sat there and went, like, impress me. I like that. Yeah, it was.

[Ileana Douglas]

Good. Steal.

[Allison Rosen]

That. I have an audition which is sort of similar to yours. It was the final callback for something that I hadn't auditioned for, though, because I was living in New York. It was out here, and I had somehow made it to the final callback just based on my reel. I had done the test option, and they had said it was a chemistry read. And so it was unclear what it was, but I knew that I was very close to getting it. And I get there, and there's two other women. Teresa and an Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

Woman. Teresa.

[Allison Rosen]

Strasser. Yes. So we're like this. We didn't. Both Theresa and I were like, okay, so either they want an Asian or Julie Chen. No. Or they want someone with our face. What's going.

[Adam Carolla]

On?

[Allison Rosen]

Interesting. So, yeah, it was.

[Ileana Douglas]

Weird. So how would you feel if it were. So once again, there's two white girls of one.

[Adam Carolla]

Asian. But in my case, you were the Asian.

[Ileana Douglas]

There. Yeah, there.

[Adam Carolla]

Is. I. The only. The only audition I ever got was for Loveline. I've never. I've never been successful in an audition ever before. Anything I've ever done is just. I've just created the show, and then thus, it's my ball. I get to play. Otherwise, I'd never get picked for the team. And that's smart. It's the way you do it too. But I was in New York and they said, we're doing Loveline on MTV and Dr. Drew suggested you and I was nobody and they said, we need you to fly back from New York and we need you to audition. And I said, I never have ever gotten an audition in my life. I'm a bad reader. That's part of the problem. Now this one didn't involve reading. It involved improv and answering phone calls. And thus I excelled. But you hand me the sides and I just can't literally read. It's like I have a phobia. So thus I am horrible at every audition. So I'm sitting there in New York and we're gonna be there with Kevin and Bean and Kroc. We'll be there for one week. And it's mean Jimmy. And it's our yearly anniversary where we go off to New York and we, you know, we go to Little Italy every night. And it's because of the time difference, we don't have to get up at the crack of fuck to do the morning.

[Allison Rosen]

Show. Do you guys stay in the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Room? It's a goddamn love affair. It's, it's, it's, it's. Well, here's what we do do. It was before all the like pay per view shit where you could actually take the.

Jimmy would pack needle nose pliers and, and a universal remote. We would take the box, the case, cable box. We would undo the coax, which had that little, little round thing that they used to keep squirrels off of the telephone poles. A round sheet metal thing that just kept spinning. And we would use the needle nose pliers to get that off. Jimmy would swap the coax with the box and the thing. Then we would use the new universal remote to get the porn channels that were blocked off the other remote. And then we would put the porn chip channel on. And the problem is, is we're so fucking cheap. But we only had one universal remote. So if you then changed somewhere in your refractory period change to watch the news, you couldn't get back onto the porn channel. And we weren't on the same floor. So whoever's in charge of the universal remote was, was, was, was the big daddy for the time. But we just got there. We got there about a day before and we're going to go to Little Italy and we're going to eat gelato and we're going to the MTV Music Awards. That's why we went. And it was just one big party paid for by Kroc. And I was poor, and that was my new. And I never traveled. And here I am in New York, and I literally get there, and they go, come back. You gotta audition. And I said, this is gonna be awesome, because I'm gonna come back. Tower Air, by the way, it doesn't exist anymore. I'm gonna come back. I'm not gonna fucking get it. Like, I don't get anything I audition for. And then I'm just gonna be sitting in my apartment while these guys are out whooping it up in New.

[Allison Rosen]

York, not watching your porn with your shared universal remote.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And I say to him, literally, I say, what's Mark DeCarlo doing? And they're like. They laugh it up a little. I said, seriously, Mark DeCarlo would be good for this job, and I could stay in New York. And he's got a lot of TV experience. He did Studs, and he knows how to handle himself and let the Carlo do it. And they're like, real funny. Now get back here. So the next day, I get on a plane and I go back to la, and I go to Hollywood Center Studios. And it's one of these high noon sun, not a cloud in the sky kind of things, and it's shining brighter and shit. And I go in, and we go into this dark soundstage, just pitch black almost. And we just sit there with a folding chair and answer fake phone calls. And when I'm done, it's like, hey, that went pretty good. And Drew's like, all right, good job. And the producer's like, well, you'll be hearing from us. Okay? This is for the TV show. And I go walking out of the big soundstage, and I'm thinking, I guess that went pretty good. And as it's one of these things where as I'm opening the door to get out, I feel the door pull open, so someone's on the other side of it coming in as I'm exiting. And as it opens, I just get hit with a shaft of sunlight. It's so bright outside, but I see an outline of a guy standing in front of me who just flung the door. Door open. I guess we know where this one is heading. I literally bang into Mark DeCarlo as I'm walking in. And then I'm like, oh, great. Now I'm. I guess they heard me when I said mark, the Carlo. It was like, literally had to do that. To the right, to the left. Excuse me. Walked right past me and I ended up getting the gig. And I was gonna say the rest is history, but didn't turn out.

[Ileana Douglas]

That great and the rest is.

[Adam Carolla]

History. Yeah. Ileana, you want to hang out.

[Ileana Douglas]

While.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Our Allison finds a date. We're doing a little March Madness with her. We got some brackets worked out.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Exciting. Yeah, it.

[Podcast Announcer]

Is. This presentation, Ace Broadcasting sports is brought to you by Sledgehammer Wine. Know your sh. It's time for boyfriend bracket.

[Allison Rosen]

Madness. I have. I'm.

[Podcast Announcer]

Heavy. Is the Tournament of Roses a.

[Allison Rosen]

Little bit of buyer's remorse? After my decisions yesterday, I am unhappy with the way things were.

[Adam Carolla]

Seated.

[Allison Rosen]

Really. And you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. It's time to make it.

[Podcast Announcer]

Up. In last night's Tournament of Roses second round action, it was bad news for the minorities. Canadian brother Jerome lost to Patrick Levine. And Gregory Adams said via con Dios to Juan Regosa. The second round continues now with a three way matchup of wild card wild man Eddie Elphen Bean. Orange county contender Matthew Bynon. And back from the brink of elimination, Tyler.

[Ileana Douglas]

Love. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Tyler. See, we thought Tyler was fake so he got.

[Adam Carolla]

Disqualified. But he's.

[Allison Rosen]

Back. But it turns out that he cuz some. Someone threw him under the bus. Someone sent us an email saying that he was fake. But then the real him said he is so.

[Adam Carolla]

Sincere. Look at.

[Ileana Douglas]

Him. I know. And who's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Girl? I know. She seems.

[Ileana Douglas]

Cute. Is that Mardi Gras beads she has around.

[Adam Carolla]

Her? Looks like she's right a.

[Brian Bishop]

Party. How'd she get those.

[Adam Carolla]

Beads? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she.

[Ileana Douglas]

Did. And the headband too. And the way.

[Adam Carolla]

He'S. Yeah, he's really.

[Allison Rosen]

Smirking. He looks.

[Adam Carolla]

Drunk. He's. He's got it all right. He's got it all.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right. This is the poetry round. And we will begin with Eddie. I warned you. I'm a bad boy. I wasn't just being coy. I'm a rebel with a heart of gold. And I have been since I was 4 years old. Are you worthy of my attention? Negging girls was my.

[Allison Rosen]

Invention. The.

[Podcast Announcer]

Game. But I like your wit, Ms. Rosen. You're cute and one of the chosen. You have that special flair, that certain savoir faire. Not like that snobby Blair. Should I take you out for a whirl? A great time for aces news girl. We can go skating like Tootie or see a sappy chick.

[Adam Carolla]

Movie. It's Tootie.

[Podcast Announcer]

Tooties.

I was thinking of.

[Adam Carolla]

Goodfellas. Sorry. Blair is also from the Facts of Life Atlanta Justice. I know you probably watch a lot of Masterpiece.

[Ileana Douglas]

Theater. Yeah, a lot of that's.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right. We can go skating like.

[Adam Carolla]

Tootie. Tootie.

[Podcast Announcer]

2. D, too D. Sorry. We can go skating like Tootie or see a sappy chick movie, then dinner for two in a Fonduzzi. Make up all the drugs we.

[Adam Carolla]

Took. That's a Jacuzzi filled with cheese, by the.

[Podcast Announcer]

Way. And fill a chapter in your book. Walking barefoot in the sand the two of us, hand in hand we can dance till dawn Mandate. Get it.

[Adam Carolla]

On. I like that. Pretty rudimentary stuff, little Dr. Seussi, but yeah. Yeah, you know.

[Ileana Douglas]

What? Went on too long.

[Adam Carolla]

Too. But I feel like this. I feel like Eddie. Eddie's Eddie. What Eddie did there is. He said, you know what? I don't got a lot of pop in my tongue or my brain, you know what I mean? I'm gonna choke up, see if I can leg out a single. Anyway, he did choked up on the bat. He made good, solid contact and he's standing on first right.

[Allison Rosen]

Now. Anyone who's choking up and laying out a single. I don't know what that even means, but they might not be the guy for.

[Brian Bishop]

Me. For the.

[Adam Carolla]

Fences. Yeah, but that's in the poetry department. This guy's probably the Babe Ruth of rape. You know what I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

Saying? No, I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually. All right, but you know what I.

[Allison Rosen]

Mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. I love that Dave.

[Ileana Douglas]

King. He's Eddie with a Y, not.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie, I, E. Yeah, he's got.

[Ileana Douglas]

Ed. He's like Nelson.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie. Not like Eddie. Oh, is that. See, there you go. But you don't know anyone from the Facts of Life, so how smart mark can you.

[Allison Rosen]

Be? She didn't say. She doesn't. Do you really.

[Adam Carolla]

Not? I don't know anyone just say some say yes. Something sounds to say we only.

[Ileana Douglas]

Had one channel growing up, which was cbs. True story. We didn't have enough money for an antenna. So that's a true.

[Adam Carolla]

Story.

[Ileana Douglas]

Aunt. My.

[Adam Carolla]

Mother. The coat hanger? No, my.

[Ileana Douglas]

Mom. We're a single mom, and my mother was so proud of herself, she brought the rotor. But we still could. Couldn't afford, you know, the antenna. So we used to have to get. When. Then eventually we got the antenna, but the rotor didn't work. So you used to have to go up on the roof and move the antenna if we wanted to change the channel. So I only know CBS.

[Adam Carolla]

Shows. All right, all right, on to.

[Ileana Douglas]

Matthew. I'm as sad as.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie. Matthew. Here we.

[Podcast Announcer]

Go. Oh, you're so funny. And you're prettier than both Orbit Girls. And when you read the news and you're feeling fake books. I am so impressed. I can't believe someone broke into your car and stole your gps. Yeah, I promise. I. You. I don't think you're mental. Cause you don't like zeros and fives. And I'd be happy to watch you play skeeball and Bowler Roller for the rest of our.

[Adam Carolla]

Lives.

[Podcast Announcer]

Allison. I wish I was more like Dr. Drew. Oh, Allison. The facts of life are all about you. Allison. I've got a fondus he made for two. Oh, Allison. The facts of life are all about.

[Adam Carolla]

You. Short and sweet and which SNL cast member does he look like when he's playing.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody? Will.

[Adam Carolla]

Forte. Yeah, looks like Forte a lot. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was.

[Ileana Douglas]

Strong. The.

[Adam Carolla]

Eyes. All right. That was whom? That was Matthew. All.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. And he lives in age.

[Ileana Douglas]

Appropriate. I think he lives in.

[Adam Carolla]

La. You say AIDS or.

[Allison Rosen]

Age?

[Adam Carolla]

Both. I wasn't listening. Okay, it's Matthew. All right. Now.

[Podcast Announcer]

Tyler. Allison, you look at my age with discretion. But relax. I'm no adolescent. My boyish good looks just survive. The reality is that I'm 25, but there is no need to hesitate. At my age, at 35, you're perfect to hang with this romantic sage. Yes, it's true. My last name is Love. Truthfully, the name fits me like a glove. Despite poor attempts to sabotage me in the beginning, Dr. Love is back in the tournament, bitches.

[Allison Rosen]

Duh.

[Podcast Announcer]

Winning. Allison, I appreciate you defending me along the way. Now we are one step closer to our hot date. You say three weeks. There's no telling how long it will last. Regardless, your benevolent ruler is right. It's going to be a blast. In the end, the choice is yours. But I recommend you choose me over those other fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Boars. Wow, Allison, your work's really cut. I don't envy you. I do not envy you right.

[Allison Rosen]

Now. I know. It's. This is.

[Ileana Douglas]

Iliana.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

What do you think? Is it. Is it Beautiful lady or.

[Allison Rosen]

Something? Tyler.

[Adam Carolla]

Did.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wow. Matthew lives in la. I'm gonna push that. He lives in.

[Adam Carolla]

La? Yeah.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah. Eddie. I think I've seen on To Catch a.

[Adam Carolla]

Predator. Oh, really? Chris Hansen has to. Have a seat, I'm pretty sure. Help yourself to some sweet tea and Toll House.

[Allison Rosen]

Cookies. I'm just doing the laundry.

Drying these clothes or whatever. Yeah, there in a.

[Adam Carolla]

Minute. Yeah, I do love. I will not. By the way, if I'm coming home and I forget my keys and knock on the door, my wife goes, just let yourself in. No.

[Ileana Douglas]

Way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? No way. Not getting.

[Allison Rosen]

Busted. You run through the bushes, but they already have cameras out.

[Adam Carolla]

There. That's always the worst. It's always the worst because Chris hands and goes, well, you're free to leave. You like to leave. And there's that moment where the guy goes.

But they don't know that. The five fattest guys from the Fresno PD are standing out on the lawn. And no matter what they yell at the guy, stop. Lie down. It doesn't matter. The guy stops, he lies down. They always fucking tackle him every. Every.

[Ileana Douglas]

Time. It's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Tv. Yeah. Here's the thing, by the way, cops.

You don't set a very good example. Because if we try to run, you tackle us. If you yell, get down on your face, then you jump on our back and put your knee in the fucking back of our neck. So I'm just going to try to run because I'm doing the math here. It's lose, lose. Speaking of lose.

[Allison Rosen]

Lose. Well.

[Brian Bishop]

I. Lose, lose.

[Adam Carolla]

Lose. Thank you.

What do you think.

[Allison Rosen]

Karen? 16 times I just did Eenie Meenie with my pen and it landed on Matthew, and inside I was like, wait, no. So that means he's the one I want, I guess.

But feel good about.

[Adam Carolla]

This. You're going with.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthew. I'm going with.

[Adam Carolla]

Matthew.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthew. Either of the other.

[Brian Bishop]

Ones. Matthew's poem had a lot of very specific, almost obscure details about you, which means one of two things. One, he listens to the podcast obsessively and possibly repeatedly, which is a bad sign. Number two, he has a great memory, which means that'll be horrible going forward for you because he'll be coming constantly, bringing.

[Allison Rosen]

Up.

[Brian Bishop]

Or. Remember when you said.

[Adam Carolla]

This? Remember when you said, this is lose, lose, lose. No, I like.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthew. But they all have those. They all made references to all that stuff Tyler made. Because I said to Adam when we were talking about Tyler originally, I said, oh, I'd burn through him in three weeks. And then you said, but you'd have fun, right? Like, yeah, maybe that's what he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Referencing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. But he's out of there anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Matthew. All right, Matthews. Matthew's pushing.

[Podcast Announcer]

Ahead. Our final matchup of the night. We have in the wannabe Comedian Conference winner Nick Ferguson versus the Nerd Conference winner, Joe Grand. First up is Nick with Limerick. There once was a man from Simi Valley who wanted to date a girl named Ali. He rode in on a whim, and the Ace crew picked him. The Twitterverse behind him did rally. She said that he looked like John Mayer. He thought that assessment was fair, so he began to audition with this as his mission. Her heart he was set to ensnare. If he were to win, he'd resolve to constantly grow and evolve with her Every day he'd give his love away and the mysteries of the news girl he'd solve. Allison, I'm the best choice for you. Although I am definitely not a Jew. I'd laugh at your jokes. And I'd no longer smoke. Oh, and I no longer longer smoke. So I'd like to treat you to a.

[Adam Carolla]

Brew.

Okay. All.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. He wrote it on a whim, though, huh? I need something more.

[Adam Carolla]

Premeditated. I.

[Allison Rosen]

Understand. I'm just.

[Adam Carolla]

Kidding. All.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right. All.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And he's standing next to a woman that has the world's ugliest golfing sweater.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Woman. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I was thinking that was a guy, too. But then when Adam said woman, I was like, oh, yeah. Because look at the sort of. Of boob, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff. Amber on the ring.

[Ileana Douglas]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You think that's a.

[Allison Rosen]

Dude? First I thought it was, like, Reggie.

[Brian Bishop]

Watts. I honestly feel like it's a semi celebrity. Like, maybe like Jimmy Super Fly Snooka. Because he has a pen. I'm imagining him autographing.

[Allison Rosen]

Something. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

That's like, only had one station. You understand? You got to stop at the crazy.

[Ileana Douglas]

References. I don't. If you talk about Canon or.

[Adam Carolla]

Soup. Yeah. Or. Yeah. Many of the other shows. Mannix, all the great hits from CBS circa 1974. Yeah. Oh, it is a dude. Jesus.

[Allison Rosen]

Christ. I think that. Isn't that Reggie.

[Adam Carolla]

Watts?

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedian. One of the guy from the Roots. I. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Know. Comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All.

[Ileana Douglas]

Right. Well, that's disturbing. I really thought it was a.

[Adam Carolla]

Woman. Wow. All right.

[Podcast Announcer]

Okay. And this is Junior Joe Grand. Joe says, since I had a blood alcohol content of at least 0.2 when I composed my initial entry, I'm a bit surprised that I'm still in the.

[Allison Rosen]

Competition.

[Podcast Announcer]

Same. I only have a vague recollection of writing that paragraph. I thought about following the instructions and writing a poem, but then remembered, I hate.

[Adam Carolla]

Poetry. This poem.

[Podcast Announcer]

Sucks. As far as I'm concerned, the entire medium can go itself after. After itself. It's likely that the media. It's likely that the medium of poetry would then write a florid mod lidden depiction of the experience encased in needless metaphor. So instead, I made a video that depicts my probable reaction if I am ousted from the Tournament of.

[Brian Bishop]

Rosen.

State.

This is.

[Adam Carolla]

Downtown.

This is an.

[Brian Bishop]

Internet. This is an Internet meme. People do this all the time. They take that scene From Downfall. And they put words over expressing disgust over something, and it's often, often.

[Adam Carolla]

Comical. Now, by the way, that.

[Podcast Announcer]

Was. That was just a small.

[Brian Bishop]

Tasting.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right. Full video, which will be posted at.

[Brian Bishop]

AdamCo. It's a very long.

[Adam Carolla]

Scene. All right, now.

He'S not finished. Not.

[Allison Rosen]

Done. I am.

[Podcast Announcer]

Now. He says, if you absolutely insist on a poem, I'll give you one from the time honored. Roses are red paradigm. Roses are red, violets are blue. It's rare to find a foxy.

[Allison Rosen]

Jew.

All right, that bald me over. Okay, that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny. I got.

[Allison Rosen]

A. But I feel like he's auditioning.

[Adam Carolla]

For you, Adam, and not for your.

[Allison Rosen]

Heart. Yeah, right. That's my problem with this whole contest. I feel like they're just like, oh, well, if it's not for you, can we just work with the ace.

[Adam Carolla]

Man? Eliana, do you have a feeling about these.

[Ileana Douglas]

Two? I agree. I'm gonna agree you.

[Adam Carolla]

Can'T. But you can't pass on both of.

[Allison Rosen]

Them. Who do you want to date? Adam? No, unfortunately, they have rules, and they're.

[Adam Carolla]

Making. I like Joe. In this case.

Joe's a confident.

[Allison Rosen]

Man. In case you're looking for a new caption.

[Ileana Douglas]

Writer. He's a PhD enthroned by the nudity. The comedy. And the nudity is troubling to me because, you know, normally. What if his roommate did the video and he is just as the posing guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Here? No, this doesn't. Maybe that's not.

[Ileana Douglas]

Him. Right? It could be a.

[Adam Carolla]

Trick. Uh huh. What do you.

[Allison Rosen]

Think? What's he saying with.

[Adam Carolla]

Hitler? Yeah. I would cast my vote for Joe.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian. I want to hang with.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe. You want to hang with Joe.

[Brian Bishop]

Iliana. Oh, I do appreciate you doing a Nick doing a limerick as opposed.

[Adam Carolla]

To the tried and true block.

In his mind. That's probably just the stuff Maya Angelou does too. I mean, in his mind, right? All right. What do you think.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison? I'm going with Joe, but for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys. Yeah. Okay. All right, so.

[Allison Rosen]

The. You're.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah. The final four are set. It's Joe Garand versus Gregory Adams and Patrick Levine versus Matthew Bynon. Stay tuned, because next week, we'll get the final four on the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Telephone.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Wow.

[Podcast Announcer]

Wow. I got questions of Rosen.

Brought to you by Sledgehammer Wine. Who reminds you to know your.

[Adam Carolla]

Sh. I do not worry. Once I get these guys on the phone, that's where I real. I step up my dad game. At that point, I really. You ask them what their intentions are, and believe me, I can. I'm. I'm I'm like a good cop. You know what I mean? I'll get to it. And they'll just be like a troubled teen that killed someone in the.

[Allison Rosen]

Woods. I'll get to a. And you're a pretty good judge of character.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. That's why I didn't want to hire you. But. But what's her name? Couldn't. What was the name of the sweater? Could not. I agree.

[Allison Rosen]

Wholeheartedly.

[Adam Carolla]

Metro. Yeah, Metro couldn't make it. So, anyway, so with you. No, I'm. I'm good at this. I smell people. I thump them. You know what I mean? I just go. I know where they're coming from. I talk to them. And, you know, I'm an expert because of loveline. I did 10 years of loveline, and I know the tone of everyone's voice. I know people that are angry. I know people that hate the opposite sex. I know whatever. Whatever hurt you've had in your past, whether you're a victim of something, I know it. It's all in the voice. Your voice changes very subtly. And it's such a weird thing that if you do it times 10,000 people, you become like a. An animal, and you just get tuned in. And after a while, we would just be sitting there, and someone would just go, hello. And Drew and I would look at each other because it would trigger something in you that you didn't even know existed. It was just put in your brain after listening. Let's put it this way. I would guess people's professions all the time, because if you listen to. If you talk to 2,000 truckers over 10 years, you'll realize that a trucker sounds a little like a trucker, and something will remind you. And it worked. Almost worked almost every time. It was on a subconscious level, but it would always work. So I will find it when we speak to these folks, because as.

[Allison Rosen]

An interviewer, I'm actually pretty good at sizing people up professionally. But in my dating life, I'm a phenomenally horrible judge of character, and I think we'll get to see that play.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. All right. Looking forward to that. Ileana, how are you doing? Are you married? Are you.

[Ileana Douglas]

Divorced?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Dating? Do you need some March.

[Adam Carolla]

Madness? What's going.

[Ileana Douglas]

On? March Madness? I'm just.

[Adam Carolla]

Working. Done. Done with.

[Ileana Douglas]

Dudes. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Never. Were you married at one.

[Ileana Douglas]

Time? Crazy. Briefly. Once. A very long time.

[Adam Carolla]

Ago. Very long time ago. Try not to think about how many years.

[Ileana Douglas]

Ago. Many years.

[Adam Carolla]

Ago. Over 10 years.

[Ileana Douglas]

Ago. Yeah, over 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Years. It never. Never didn't.

[Ileana Douglas]

Last.

[Adam Carolla]

Long. Never.

[Ileana Douglas]

Remarried. I didn't remarry. No. It was not the best experience. So I've lived. I was. I lived with someone for a while, didn't work, and.

[Adam Carolla]

Then. Is it the kind. Is it the kind of thing where you'd like to be.

[Ileana Douglas]

Married? Oh, yeah, of course I'd love to be married. Or it. I find la. Of course, a little bit of a cliche. It's hard to find people.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. But you say of course. I always have this theory.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yeah. Please tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Me. Marginally condescending, but people sort of get what they want out of life. Like, not, I want to be a kazillionaire and own a dirigible, but, like, I want to be married. Or there's, like, women I talk to goes, are you kidding? I'd love kids. I've always wanted kids. I love kids. If it's like, you don't have kids, you don't really want kids. Like, you didn't want kids. Like, you're smart and you're resilient and you've got a lot of chutzpah, and I feel like if you wanted to be married, you would be.

[Ileana Douglas]

Married. I have to.

[Allison Rosen]

Disagree. I do, too.

[Ileana Douglas]

Because.

I have a. You know, because when you're balancing a career and then what they say, and then also, you know, with some family issues, like, you know, not to bring the whole show down, but I do it. I had a brother who died of brain.

[Adam Carolla]

Cancer.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wow. A couple years ago. And that took its toll. So some. Sometimes you have. Sometimes there are certain reasons you're, you know, your.

[Adam Carolla]

Path. Yeah. But people say, oh, I'm too into my career to date, or I'm too busy to date or whatever. And I never found that to be true. I found that people that are busy still find.

[Ileana Douglas]

Time.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. I just. I found this. I found this in life. If you want to be married or you want to have kids or you want to work for ups, like, whatever it is you pretty much want to do, I've pretty much found that most people figure out a way to do it. Now, maybe you're not marrying George Clooney, but you want to get married, you get married, you want to have kids, you have kids. Like, is there something in the back of your single mom thing that maybe freaks you out a little about.

[Ileana Douglas]

It? No, I just think it's balancing work and family, and my family is probably my number one priority. My, you know, my.

[Adam Carolla]

Parents. Your.

[Ileana Douglas]

Parents? Sibling. And I think.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Are they out in New York? Are.

[Ileana Douglas]

They. No, they're in Massachusetts. And so. So sometimes for me, I have found that I've been prioritizing my.

[Adam Carolla]

Family. Maybe over.

[Ileana Douglas]

Yourself? Over my own.

[Adam Carolla]

Relationships. You dating anyone right.

[Ileana Douglas]

Now?

Not currently. In the summer was my last summer. I had a breakup. In the.

[Adam Carolla]

Fall. Been a little while, then in the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Fall. Since the.

[Adam Carolla]

Fall. We should throw a tournament for you.

We should work a bracket out for you. Oh, God, I don't.

[Ileana Douglas]

Know. All the.

[Adam Carolla]

Leftovers. What are you looking for? Sloppy seconds? What are you looking.

[Ileana Douglas]

For? That's a complicated.

[Adam Carolla]

Question. What's a guy have to have quality.

[Ileana Douglas]

Wise? I don't know. You tell me. I'm always. I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Open. Oh. Well, I have this theory that people get caught up in a lot of the. I want them to be dynamic, you know, and there's a lot of, like, they've got to make me. And then fill it in the blank, you know, They've got to make me laugh or they've got to have passion for whatever. I want somebody who's. And my feeling is I want someone who's.

[Ileana Douglas]

Nice. Yes. I like those.

[Adam Carolla]

Qualities. Nice almost trumps everything else. And the part about, like, they've got to make me laugh. I feel like I'm funny enough for the both of us. I don't really need them to make me laugh. I like a nice person. And there's so many people. It doesn't get brought up. It's not on the list. It's like a lot of dynamic and a lot of funny and a lot of, oh, this person's really ambitious and blah, blah, blah. And it makes me feel this way about myself and that way about myself. But whatever happened, it just. This person's really nice. Like a decent, nice.

[Ileana Douglas]

Person. Like nice guys. I mean, that's not, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel like that floats their boat the way it should float the boat. They want it.

[Allison Rosen]

Down. I feel like Lynette would set out to find someone nice.

There's a niceness.

[Adam Carolla]

Disparity. Yeah, no, I, I, I have to be the dick in the relationship because I'm paying for everything. So Lynette does the thing where she tells the nanny, oh, take the weekend off. We'll get a sitter. And I go, no, let her come in and do the whatever I pay her to do the work. Don't bug her. We'll get somebody. And it's like, oh, yes, you're so nice. Well, yeah, you're nice because you're not fucking cutting a check for 12 bucks an hour for the chick who comes On a Saturday so we can go to see a movie when I'm already paying you. Part of your gig is to come the occasional Saturday and do the whatever. But I always tell Lynette, you get to be nice because for you, it's. Why not just, yeah, have another. Take this or whatever it is. I kind of have to be the dick because I'm the one who's paying the mortgage and the one who's going to. It's like, look, the guy who's paying the heating bill is the guy who goes, hey, why is the window open? Or, why does the door open? Or, hey, shut the thing off. Or shut the. Of course, that makes you the dick, but it's also you're the guy who's paying the electricity bill, so thus you wear the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Dick. When women do that, then they get in.

[Adam Carolla]

Trouble. No, they.

[Allison Rosen]

Don'T. See where. At.

[Adam Carolla]

Party. I. I disagree. But I wanted to be with someone who. Who was nice intentionally, especially raising kids. I didn't want someone who was all up in their head and, you know, a brilliant whatever, but couldn't. Didn't know what to do with kids. You know, I wanted someone who was good around kids, and so I just wanted to be with someone who was a good. Was just a good person. That's what I have. That's what I have in my wife. But a lot of women want to be around someone who's dynamic. Dynamic. Do you see what I'm saying? What are you two looking at me like I'm making this up? Like, Brian, people back me.

[Allison Rosen]

Up. No. Yeah. No, it's just.

I was thinking, I just want to be with someone who's good at organizing clutter, but I could hire someone to do.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Well, also, you get to a different phase in your life where you've been exposed enough dickheads, and you go, you know what? I'm done with these dickheads and these egotists, and I want to be the nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Guy. And then that doesn't work out, and then you're like, fuck it. I'm just gonna be single for.

[Adam Carolla]

A while, gonna get a cat and a vibrator and a tub of Haagen Dazs and call it a.

[Allison Rosen]

Life.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. That's. No, no, no. But here's the thing. No, I guess I do want the dynamic thing, because my whole thing is, like, I just want to be with someone who. That I'm excited about and that dynamic town for.

[Ileana Douglas]

Women. Like, you want to meet interesting men. You know, you live in Washington or New.

[Adam Carolla]

York. I Agree. This town's horrible for everybody, everything. But I would still contend that there's a lot of good guys out there, but they're just. Unfortunately, you might label them as sort of boring. And even though they're not really boring, they're just not.

[Ileana Douglas]

Dynamic. Don't really think that's true, because I really think in la, it's a cliche, but people just want to date sort of younger women. That's kind of what they want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do. The dude. Yeah, but that's what. The police back me up here. I know. Yes, they.

[Ileana Douglas]

Do. And it's. It doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Happen. People in this. Well, here's the whole thing. There's a lot of people in. In our circles and in this industry and all that kind of stuff where that's definitely true. And then there's just regular dudes. There are regular dudes. You guys got to step down to a regular.

[Ileana Douglas]

Dude. I'm telling you, Adam, if I go work in Toronto, there's no problem dating. If I go to New York, there's no.

[Adam Carolla]

Problem. All right, last dude you dated, what did he.

[Ileana Douglas]

Do?

I don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Say. In something in the.

[Ileana Douglas]

Industry. Something in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Industry. Director, perhaps? Yeah, writer. Director. All right, that's my.

[Ileana Douglas]

Point. But that's because they're.

[Adam Carolla]

In. Find a nice civilian. That's all I'm saying. Get a good guy with a civilian.

[Ileana Douglas]

Job. Unfortunately, this town, there are no.

[Adam Carolla]

Civilians. They're all around you. You're just not. You're not open to.

[Brian Bishop]

It. You're gonna find this hard to believe, Adam, but I agree with Eliana.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. That's not the bald. Wait a.

[Brian Bishop]

Minute. And it's universally across the board of people I know, whether they be above the line or civilians or whatever. There are many more single women that I know in my life than single men. You know what I mean? It just feels like they're eligible. Women outnumber the guys around here by a significant.

[Adam Carolla]

Number. I am saying you're never probably going to be able to check every box on your. Your shopping list, you know, in terms of, oh, he's smart and he's dynamic and he's creative and he makes me laugh and like that. That kind of.

[Ileana Douglas]

Stuff. I'm gonna disagree with you. Just here in la, people just have. They'll be really nice to you, but they don't want to go out. I mean, for somebody like me who's an actress, they're just not interested. Not in.

[Adam Carolla]

La. Not. Nobody wants to be a civilian would. That's what I'M.

[Ileana Douglas]

Saying.

Surprised. It becomes very difficult, you know, they don't want to be the tag along. It's difficult here. You go outside of.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. You gotta move to Toronto then.

[Ileana Douglas]

Baby. Toronto or, you know, New York or something like that. Something where somebody has a job, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know. All right, listen, I will agree with you that LA sucks. But I will also say that when you want something, especially when you're smart and you're good at getting what you want, you will find a.

[Ileana Douglas]

Way. I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking. Okay, then Allison's.

[Allison Rosen]

Look. No, no, we should talk about this on another show because I'm really, I'm doing this, but my thing is that I really haven't been looking at all.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. I.

[Allison Rosen]

Know. You.

[Adam Carolla]

Know? Well, I feel if you've been looking, then you would.

[Ileana Douglas]

Find. I think you have to do something out. Like, I'm an avid stuff cyclist, so you have to do things that are outside the acting thing, I think, personally to try to. So we'll see what happens. And give me six months. We'll see what.

[Adam Carolla]

Happens. All right. Ileana Douglas, by the way, creator and star of the web series.

Data, director, writer, of course. He's gonna be a dick. Easy to assemble. Third season starts this spring. Justin Bateman, Justine Bateman, also Fred Willard and Patricia Heaton as well. You can check her out and her Twitter, Ileanarama. And also, let's see. Oh, you can just, you can go to my damn channel and check out her series as well as we're gonna go in places on the Internet. If you're gonna go to Amazon and you're gonna buy something on Amazon, let's say you're gonna buy Goodfellas on.

[Brian Bishop]

Amazon. You should do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway. Yeah, you definitely should do that anyway. But if you're gonna do it, click to AdamCarolla.com and then click through to Amazon. And then we get to wet our beaks. It's kind of diabolical and ingenious, but it's a nice way for us to keep our lights on. It keeps Amazon going. It moves another copy of Goodfellas and everyone's happy. It doesn't cost anything. So just go to AdamCarolla.com and then go grab your toaster oven on Amazon. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Brine. Ileana Douglas, Allison Rosen. And I guess that's it saying.

[Podcast Announcer]

Mahalo. Roses are red, violets are blue. It's rare to find a foxy.

[Brian Bishop]

Jew.

All right, that's adam Cole Show 535 that does it for today's cool classics. Make sure tune tomorrow for an all new.

[Adam Carolla]

Installment. Until then, follow and get it on.

Hey fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast Beat it out where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you. Subscribe [e-mail] substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called.

[Allison Rosen]

Substack.

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