Marc Maron + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show – “Marc Maron + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)”

Date: December 7, 2025
PodcastOne / Carolla Digital
Episodes Summarized:

• Adam Carolla Show #540: Classic 2011 episode with Adam, Alison Rosen, Bryan Bishop, and guests Adam Devine & Blake Anderson (Workaholics).
• Adam Carolla Show #562: Live show with Marc Maron, Alison, and Bryan.

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Main Theme / Purpose

This Carolla Classics episode revisits standout moments from earlier years, highlighting Adam Carolla’s signature comedic riffing, candid takes on pop culture, family, and celebrity news. The show combines hilarious, sometimes off-color banter with interviews—most notably featuring a young Marc Maron and the cast of Workaholics (Adam Devine, Blake Anderson). The podcast is rich with observations about masculinity, the nature of comedy, celebrity culture, and the quirks of everyday life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Pursuit of Podcast Domination

• Adam updates on the Guinness World Record attempt for most podcast downloads, rallying fans to outdo Ricky Gervais and bring the title "where it goddamn belongs" (USA).

  “Ricky Gervais has the record. We want it here in the United States, where it goddamn belongs.” – Adam (02:23)

2. Parenting, Masculinity, and Wrestling

• Adam spins a story of wrestling with his kids (and the housekeeper’s husky son Nathan) despite his bad knee, reflecting on the difference in raising boys vs. girls, and the universal boyhood need for roughhousing.

  “As a guy who was a product of divorce...these kids want to be with guys. They want to wrestle. Hanging around the chicks, it ain’t cutting it.” – Adam (10:00)

• Comedic riff: comparing wrestling with a heavyset kid to the ‘Kirstie Alley’ incident on Dancing with the Stars.

3. Celebrity News & Satire

• Vince Neil Domestic Violence: The gang lampoons the absurdity of a domestic charge for finger poking, with Adam declaring, “There are much worse places you can put a finger.” (15:04)
• GoDaddy CEO Elephant Hunt: Extended satire as Adam, Alison, and Bryan riff about Bob Parsons’ viral Zimbabwe elephant-killing video, mocking his PR defense and the notion of using wealth for charity.

  “I gave 'em half off on domain names. Shootelephant.com is one of the ones that come up.” – Adam (22:56)

4. Media & Pop Culture Gripes

• The group discusses the prevalence of TV/movie reboots (Fast Five, Bill & Ted 3), decrying the creative bankruptcy of Hollywood:

  “Are we just fresh out of fucking ideas to make a movie?” – Adam (69:11)

• Adam, always practical, riffs on the absurdity of trademarking ordinary phrases:

  “This thing where you get to trademark a combination of words that already exist seems fucking insane to me.” – Adam (28:03)

5. Comedic Interview: Workaholics Guests

• Adam Devine and Blake Anderson recount their Comedy Central origin, the leap from obscure web sketches to TV, and navigating network censorship.

  “There's two types of being left alone: one is because they trust you, the other because they're about to cancel your show.” – Adam (45:49)

• Hilarious, candid discussion on what money it would take to "perform a sex act on a man," with the Workaholics guys gamely riffing down to $900 (42:40).

6. Marc Maron Live: Crowd Work & Comedy Life

• Marc joins on stage (Ep 562), sharing battle stories from Orange County comedy crowds, navigating hecklers, and the emotional balancing act of performing for mixed audiences.

  “I said, 'You're ruining the show.' And this douchebag... 'You're not funny.'...That is not a helping-the-show heckle.” – Marc Maron (102:29)

• Both Marc and Adam reflect on the forced politeness and frustrations with live performance logistics.

7. Surreal News Stories & Trademark Carolla Advice

• Celebrity sex dolls (Miley, Fergie) and the Amazon page, leading to a cascade of jokes about prank purchases.
• Adam and the crew riff on mind-boggling stories: Wiki-page deletions, PCP-accident stories, being knocked off Wikipedia for not being “notable,” and the endless search for the perfect cheese on a Philly cheesesteak.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

The Elephant-Domain-Name Rant

"By the way, I gave 'em half off on domain names. Shootelephant.com is one of the ones that come up."
– Adam Carolla (22:56)

Workaholics Candid Q&A

Allison Rosen: "For $100,000, would you suck a man's penis?"
Adam Devine: "100 GS? Yeah, I think so...$900 if I’m honest with myself."
– (41:45–42:47)

Adam’s Podcast Philosophy

"There's two types of being left alone to express yourself creatively. There's the good side … the other is the, 'we're pulling the plug' abortion."
– Adam Carolla (45:49)

On Hollywood’s Lack of Ideas

"Are we just fresh out of fucking ideas to make a movie?"
– Adam Carolla (69:11)

Maron on Hecklers

"He says, 'What's your problem? You're not funny.' ...That's a heckle that means 'my life is shit and I'm going to ruin this party for everyone.'"
– Marc Maron (102:29)

The Philosophy of Sex Dolls

"What if you're walking your dog and you pass your neighbor's house and that box [of a Miley Cyrus sex doll] is in the trash can?"
– Adam Carolla (31:55)

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Key Segments & Timestamps

00:16–03:40: Show kick-off, Guinness World Record campaign
03:42–15:00: News discussion, parenting/wrestling/riff on Dancing With The Stars
15:00–23:00: Vince Neil, GoDaddy CEO elephant satire
27:05–36:20: Charlie Sheen catchphrases, trademark law, Miley sex doll riff
41:45–46:20: Workaholics guests, candid Q&A and TV origin story
102:29–104:10: Marc Maron, crowd work and handling hecklers
116:15–131:08: Family stories, Wiki drama, existential musings and crowd banter
153:32–163:01: Least stressful jobs, dental hygienist/Audiologist rants, nitrous oxide stories

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Tone & Language Notes

• Unfiltered and irreverent: Adam’s style is direct, hilarious, and doesn’t shy from crass or controversial territory.
• Conversational banter: Rapid-fire exchanges, quick-witted riffs, and mock arguments between longtime co-hosts.
• Meta and self-deprecating: Both Adam and Marc Maron turn frustrations into jokes, especially related to their own (and their cohost’s) careers and families.

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Summary Takeaway

Classic Adam Carolla at his best: This Carolla Classics episode showcases Adam, his crew, and top-tier guests (including a young Marc Maron and the Workaholics duo) at peak form—riffing on news, family, showbiz, and weirdness in everyday life. The mood shifts seamlessly from candid confessions to spontaneous improvisational bits, with sharp satire and insight into both media and real-world absurdities. If you value honesty, wit, and a willingness to poke fun at everything (including themselves), this episode is rich listening.

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Notable for listeners:
You don’t need to be familiar with the show’s backstory—the humor, cultural references, and timeless frustrations with work, family, and fame are universally relatable.

Transcript

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics available exclusively through podcast1dotplus. Sign up and get access to the entire archive of the show. Commercial free dating back to the original episodes hosted by myself and Chris. And if you'd like to access the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or get exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up first we have Adam Carol Show 540. This one's from 2011 featuring Adam and Blake from Workaholics, along with along with Allison and Brian. Hope you guys enjoy this episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Every damn night.

[Adam Carolla]

Every damn night. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Good day, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you guys, I'll give you a quick update on that Guinness Book of World Records thing. We're doing great. You guys are doing great. Ran into a lot of people on the road that said they've signed up folks at work and loved ones and all that kind of stuff. And we're doing very well. And I will be doing a big unveiling and I will be doing it on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's coming up in a few weeks and I'll let you know. Do not. Now's not the time to slack off, folks. We gotta take the record. Ricky Gervais has the record. We won it here in the United States where it goddamn belongs. And it's up to you guys. And all we ask is that you sign up, you subscribe, you get your friends to subscribe, and then I will go on Kimmel's show. Got some surprises for you. And we'll probably have a guy from Guinness Book there and we will make it all official.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think Ricky is nervous?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. He's probably shaken in his super hipster shoes, you know, he's probably wearing something cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Some like leprechaun shoes kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

With a buckle on it. Something cool. Something smug and expensive.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Stubble going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Something Italian. Yeah, that's right. Look at him. Look at him. The Brits. Brits. And by the way, population wise, I don't know where they are. But they're not even a quarter of what we are. We should take that fucking podcast record, goddammit. And we're gonna do it with your help. But we can't do it alone.

[Mark Marin]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. So you got the news. By the way, I've been thinking a lot. I should tell everyone we're gonna be at the Lovett's Comedy Club, that is this Thursday night. Chris Titus, great comedian, is gonna be up on stage with us at the Lovett show. Lovett show is a live podcast. I got to say, it's a lot of fun. I enjoy it. Performing is performing. But this feels like the podcast, which is the energy of a live show. So you can come on out and check that out. Also, we're going to do a live podcast at the Irvine Improv. We'll do a nice early Sunday matinee show, five o', clock, then keg party.

[Brian Bishop]

At my parents house.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll bring Greg Fitzsimmons with us out on that show. Also will turn theater coming up on the 21st and that is May and Phoenix going to be at the Orpheum Theatre on, on the 22nd of April and many other dates go to ancarola.com check it out. All right, let's. Let's get to some news. Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Get this, Adam Carolla who was on Dancing with the Stars and Bob Bryan, who wasn't. Kirsty Alley was dropped last night. Her partner dropped her. And we have the video.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and he's one of the stronger guys on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

But she's, you know, I gotta say, you know, 200 pounds is 200 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean whether it's a dude or a chick or a monkey or whatever it is. And you throw it, throw it your way.

[Brian Bishop]

I felt mortified for her. I mean this would be the nightmare of being a larger person on Dancing with the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now I had this problem last night. I'll tell you about it in a second.

Made that Hawaiian guy cry.

By the way. You want to talk about lightweights? The guy who sung the song went about 650. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Is. Oh, it was.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No, no, Izz.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but he's gone.

[Adam Devine]

Iz.

[Adam Carolla]

Was, was, is, was.

Well, they got their composure back.

[Allison Rosen]

It's unfortunate. It's sort of.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think you really have to do the hop and the like, oh my thigh, ah thing that he clearly did right after it happened. Let's watch it again. Watch the Part where he milks it, technically.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I was on Dancing with the Stars. On Adam's episode, I was sitting behind Jimmy Kimmel. There's a quick shot of my head.

[Brian Bishop]

I stand corrected.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

So there you go. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, She's. She's got. She's got her entire girth up.

[Brian Bishop]

He winced.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And then he's.

[Allison Rosen]

I think he was trying to pretend like it was an injury more so.

[Adam Carolla]

Than just being, you know, flattened by water buffalo, you know? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I think that was for her. I think it's like I got a.

[Adam Carolla]

Leg cramp or I screwed my leg up.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what it.

[Brian Bishop]

My old war injury.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, my trick knee went out.

[Brian Bishop]

That's. And that's what he said. His thigh gave out. And then the judges were like, you really made something out of a tough situation.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying, unfortunately, to the two heavyset women who were behind the counter at the diner today, when I was paying for my lunch, when we were talking about this, you know when you do that thing where you go, look, I don't think it's gonna hurt her. As a matter of fact, you know, the average sized woman in this country.

[Allison Rosen]

Is a size 16.

[Adam Carolla]

And those are the folks that are.

[Allison Rosen]

Voting for her, and so they can.

[Adam Carolla]

Identify more with her than they can with Adrena from the hills. And as you're having this conversation about how most chicks in the country are fat and they're all just gonna be.

[Allison Rosen]

Voting, you're talking to a couple of cruiserweights, as you're doing, I'm gonna give.

[Brian Bishop]

You a piece of advice. Never have that conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

You're probably right.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you broach the topic with them, or did they try to talk to you about Dancing with the Stars? Because you've been on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin Hansch, the guy was eating lunch with, brought it up to them, and then I basically just pointed out you're better off having a couple extra pounds on you in terms of who's doing the voting and who's identifying with you. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

The average weight of the broad that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Voting for Dancing with the Stars. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a version of this Kirsty Alley thing take place in my own home just last night.

[Brian Bishop]

Who'd you drop? Did you drop the daughter you gave a gift of socks to?

[Adam Carolla]

There are actually three socks in the one packet. I found out. No. What had happened was.

So fucking pathetic. Olga, my nanny, she's in Guatemala.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's over there by choice she was kidnapped. She was over there in Guatemala and she's taking care of her sickly mom. Yes. So God forbid, we just raised the kids, just me and the wife.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. So where to begin?

[Adam Carolla]

My wife's been doing the lion's share of the work, but our maid, who normally comes on a Friday has been called into, you know, a little, little extra duty. You know, coming around on a. On a weeknight, helping out with dinner, blah, blah blah. Wife's out running errands, she's taking care.

[Brian Bishop]

Of the kids like an understudy. And she's now her chance went to.

[Adam Carolla]

The Latino bullpen, literally bullpen, and pulled her in. Now she has a little situation because she has a son and she can't leave her son at home. She's got bring her son Nathan, she's got to come with him. And so she's. She's Nathan's wife. That's fine because my kids are friends with Nathan. Nathan's a little bit older and a lot bigger now. I don't know if you've ever seen the Mexican kids when they hit their stride. I'm talking about the buckethead. I'm talking about the full, you know, the barrel chest. I'm talking about. You ever see those little Latin kids?

[Allison Rosen]

They're like, they're six years old but.

[Adam Carolla]

Built like a pony cage.

[Brian Bishop]

And they already have a mustache.

[Adam Carolla]

Just tats. Mustache.

Couple of tours in namm. Been down at Rikers island already. No.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No wife to beat?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Mark Marin]

Yet.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

The wife beater.

[Adam Carolla]

Wife beater with no wife to beat?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, just that some kind of refreshing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking about that husky Asian, not Asian, Hispanic kid. I'm talking about the husky.

[Allison Rosen]

He's husky.

[Adam Carolla]

He's husky.

[Brian Bishop]

How old is he?

[Allison Rosen]

He's six.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me tell you something, there's a big difference in terms of daddy's back for the four and a half year old who's thin boned and the six year old who's heavy set, it's a different thing. And the he's got himself or she and her man have gotten divorced or they broke things off, she caught him cheating. Whatever. They broke off. She confides in my wife, I don't get involved. Do you know what I'm saying? But as a guy who was a product of divorce and who knows what it's like to be a young rambunctious man and to want to wrestle with a male.

[Brian Bishop]

You put Nathan in a headlock.

[Adam Carolla]

I kicked the shit out of that little Mexican. No, I knew that he wanted to wrestle. The thing is, as a guy and especially as a young man, it's so heartbreaking that these guys aren't around their dads because they want to be with other guys. They want to wrestle. They want that bonding thing and just hanging around the chicks, it ain't cutting it. Little boys really want to be little boys. I mean, it's all swords and superheroes and jumping off of things. It's all this sort of Spider man, all this stuff Ryan is just getting into.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're really.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, really, man. I mean, it's why.

[Allison Rosen]

It's why they all go nuts for.

[Adam Carolla]

The Hulk and the Spider man and.

[Allison Rosen]

All this stuff, because they're all stay and a sword and a fight and a wrestle.

[Adam Carolla]

And my daughter's rambunctious, too, so at a certain point before I come into work, I try to do it on a semi nightly basis. My daughter will say, let's wrestle. Let's wrestle. Now, she's built like a ballerina. She's sort of long and stringy and light and taut. Like you can pick her up with one hand because she's sort of stiff that way. And my son is, you know, he's lost some of his baby fat as well. But young Nathan.

He'S a formidable ball of cheese. That kid's got a little weight coming behind him, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, as I've explained in an earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast, Daddy's knee is bad. Daddy's knee is jacked up. Daddy is going to have to get some arthroscopic surgery or an MRI or something. But it's been two weeks and the knee is jacked up. And I'm coming from a place of a guy who does not complain about injuries. I'm telling me my knee is fucked.

[Brian Bishop]

Up, lest anyone doesn't remember. Dr. Bruce examined it on the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I've not been and had an MRI yet, but I'm telling you, it's been two weeks and it's fucked up. So, you know, the kids want to wrestle and I want to. They don't understand Daddy's knees fucked up. And I had surgery on it years ago from a football incident and stuff like that. Okay. And then I see little Nate when he hears wrestling and his eyes light up, and I realize he's so. He wants the attention. He wants to, you know, wants to do it. And I feel like, yeah, this poor kid needs. Needs. He needs some masculinity. He.

[Allison Rosen]

They're sort of like young.

[Adam Carolla]

Males are sort of like young. They're like teenage Labradors. Like, they need to be roughed up and thrown a tennis ball, too. You can't just tell them, like, sit next to me and be quiet and look at this book. They want to go out and run around and jump in a lake and all that kind of stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's upstairs.

[Adam Carolla]

We went to wrestle. And the move my daughter does, as she gets on one end of the bed, she gets a running start. She literally launches herself at me head first. Launches head first. She has no qualms about it and launches. And I grab her by the hands and I spin her around, and then I fling her onto the bed. Well, of course, Nate, he wants in on this, too, and I got no answers. I got a bad knee. But I'm thinking about his dad and the broken relationship, and I don't want to go. I'm feeling like Max with Kirsty. But I can't tell the kid. You sit down while you watch me and my daughter and my son. So this kid rears back and gets a launch going. And it was like being hit by steam locomotive.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I was like a big dog that thinks it's still a puppy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Just almost. I braced myself. But we did. We did multiple rounds. I probably tore my ACL a little bit worse than I did, but I wrestled the out of that.

[Brian Bishop]

So you did not drop him. I hope that's.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not drop him. I threw him up. I wrestled the out of that kid. I fucking wrestled his ass off. And.

[Allison Rosen]

And I realize it's good.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the time.

[Allison Rosen]

It's always vanishing. The commute, the errands, the work functions, the meetings, selling your car. Unless you sell your car with Carvana. Get a real offer in minutes, get it picked up from your door, get paid on the spot so fast you'll wonder what the catch is. There isn't one. We just respect you and your time. Oh, you're still here.

[Adam Carolla]

Move along now.

[Brian Bishop]

Enjoy your day. Sell your car today, Carvana pickup fees may apply.

[Adam Carolla]

He needs it. This is what they like, a trap with Mommy. I grew up with a puss dad who didn't wrestle and didn't rough house. And I always wanted to rough house and wrestle. And I sat around my stupid depressed mom, and I.

[Allison Rosen]

It's horrible.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Hello?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, Real Freddie Blassie.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. All right, so anyway, I know it's like the throw around a heavyweight summer camp. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Podcasting thing doesn't work out for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

So, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil has been charged with domestic violence and disorderly conduct for allegedly striking his ex girlfriend in the chest with his finger in Vegas last month. According to quote.

[Adam Carolla]

Finger?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, He. He aggressively poked a number of people.

[Adam Carolla]

There are much worse places you can put a finger.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, look, there we go. The poking bruise.

[Adam Carolla]

She got a bruise.

[Brian Bishop]

And if you look at the photo on the right and you sort of squint, it looks like a butt, but it's not. That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

So she got arm cleavage. Oh, fuck. You could do that to any white person in a matter of seconds.

[Brian Bishop]

You just flick me. Yeah, I just did it to myself. According to court documents filed last week in Clark County, Neal committed a crime by quote, forcing his way into the Shimmer Lounge at the Las Vegas Hilton while a performance was occurring. Ring. And poked three people with his right index finger, each time stating the words cover your ears. Fuck you. According to the documents, one of the alleged poke victims is his ex girlfriend, Alicia Jacobs, who told cops she was forcefully poked in her right shoulder blade. The other two recipients of pokes are local journalist John Katsilamides and Patricia McCrone, Wayne Newton's sister in law.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you don't poke. There's two things you don't do. You don't tug on Superman's cape. And you don't poke Wayne Newton's sister in law with your index finger. That's what.

[Brian Bishop]

At least not if you don't want some.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my. Something my grandfather used to tell me back in the day.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you ever aggressively poked someone?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I never do anything to anybody, especially women. I never, never lay a hand on a woman. I just catch heavyset Mexican kids and throw them onto my bed. That's all I do. That's my workout now. I know I'm not much of a poker. I'll punch you, but you got to punch me first. Or you have to try to punch me first and that'll punch you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

I'm not really that violent either. It might surprise you because I probably appear to be a violent person. But I used to go to tennis camp when I was a little kid and I remember there were these kids that were driving me crazy. And I remember think. And I was a little kid and thinking to myself, hold me back because I had a racket in my hand. It's hard for me to not sure hit them with the racket. And I didn't though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is control. Motley Crue is one of those shitty bands that dumb people like. Right. Like it's right.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

There's nothing redeeming.

[Adam Carolla]

Who sings Like Pour Some Sugar on Me.

[Brian Bishop]

That's Def Leppard.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Who sings every Rose as it's Thorn, Guns and Roses? No.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, right. Poison.

[Adam Carolla]

God, that is a shit song. God, that is a shitty song. And they sing what? Girls? Girls, girls. Who sings Dr. Feel Good?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Motley Cruel? Dr. Feel Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just shit rock. I mean, look, there's such a thing as good hard rock. That just ain't it.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think someone who fronts a good hard rock band would poke someone?

[Adam Carolla]

You look, Eddie Vedder could poke me all he wanted. You know what I mean? Now that's a good hard rock band.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Pearl jam? Yeah, like 10.

[Brian Bishop]

That much.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But better, man, it's like. It's just a fucking great song.

[Brian Bishop]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Set match. Have you been.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold me back.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you been following this whole scandal with the CEO of GoDaddy, Bob Parsons? GoDaddy is a company that sells web domains and he uploaded a four minute video of him going on an elephant shooting trip in Zimbabwe.

[Allison Rosen]

Is Kirsty.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, the point is, here's the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

GoDaddy is one of those things. It's sort of like, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

What I've seen more commercials for Aflac or GoDaddy where I've just sat there and went, I've no intent. I don't know what this is.

[Allison Rosen]

I know it's something to do with insurance and this is something to do with web. And the chicks aren't there that hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Chicks with bad boob jobs on the thing on like the super bowl commercials and all that?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they have a lot of breastesses in their commercials.

[Allison Rosen]

Their graphics are bad, their color palette's bad. It's like, it's really.

[Adam Carolla]

It's almost. It's almost Jack Silver esque. He was my program director.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. Did you hunt elephants?

[Adam Carolla]

He'd occasionally go out hun on a.

[Allison Rosen]

Weekend if he got drugged.

[Brian Bishop]

He shot this elephant and then has caught all this heat for it. And the video is actually like pretty upsetting. And then he's defending it though, by saying that it was a problem elephant and that these villagers in Zimbabwe, their crops were in danger and they reached out to him and I mean, it's very like he's my problem with it. And here Piers Morgan is interviewing.

[Adam Carolla]

We use kids instead of crops, by the way, but. Well, I mean, not you, but. I mean, when you're defending shooting an elephant, say the kids were in danger and not the crops.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I hope the villagers did the awesome 80s action movie. Thing or that we need the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, and then at the end.

[Brian Bishop]

He says that it's okay because they were all eating the elephant. And at the end, and I don't think you're gonna see it here, but in the actual video that he uploaded, you see all these villagers around this elephant carcass and they're all wearing these go daddy baseball hats.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Bishop]

So anyway though, here's Piers Morgan interviewing.

[Allison Rosen]

Him and him to be doing as a CEO, was it?

[Bob Parsons]

Well, you know, actually I think it was a wonderful thing to be doing. And the reason is, is first of all, the media, all the media mentions is that hey, I shot and killed an elephant. What the media doesn't mention is I shot an elephant that was destroying crops. I had tribal authorities help ask us to help out. And when I shot that elephant, it drove. We just took one bull elephant, drove the rest of the elephants out of the field, saved the crops and a lot of people got to eat because the elephant was butchered. And people walked from 20 miles around to get a piece of that meat. So it was a very poverty stricken area. And I'll tell you what, farmers were desperately appreciative.

[Allison Rosen]

How much is your company worth, Mr. Parsons?

[Bob Parsons]

How much is my company worth? You know what, I don't know what.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S worth, but I'm the CEO. Huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Give me a ballpark.

[Bob Parsons]

A ballpark? I don't know, I guess it's well into the. Well into maybe a billion I would hope, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So you got, you got a company worth billions and yet you're there saying that you have to shoot elephants to protect poverty stricken locals. Why don't you just give them some money?

[Bob Parsons]

Well, I don't know that one has anything to do with the other. I mean, is it because, you know, we're now in this country, we have this bent that if you have money, you somehow are evil. But actually I was over there doing a very good thing. I was helping people that, that needed help that are in a situation that politically is very tenuous. There really aren't that many relief organizations working. And you know, this was something these people needed, you know. Hey, they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

He sounds like Irwin Mainway from dan Akron.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, Mrs. Face, I'm over there helping people shooting elephants.

[Brian Bishop]

Alright?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. My worth, I, I don't know what.

[Adam Carolla]

My net worth is.

[Allison Rosen]

I do know that people coming from miles around, buckets of elephant meat, okay. Crops not being stamped on, you know, elephants got quite a paw and elephant. You ever seen, Miss Face? You ever seen what Elephant do to.

[Adam Carolla]

A piece of maize turn into mushroom. You understand?

[Allison Rosen]

Bull elephant, bull elephant on the church. We. What we, we did over there is we cleared out all the other elephants.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Allison Rosen]

I said elephants, let's clear out. And clear they did. And that's when I shut the bull. And now I got a lot of happy villagers. And by the way, I gave him half off on domain names. Shootelevent.com is one of the ones that come up.

[Adam Carolla]

They. We took the ivory and we made, made a hash pipe out of it.

[Allison Rosen]

And then we used, went ahead and used the skin of the elephant to.

[Adam Carolla]

Make what they call a lean to over there. It keeps, keeps the rain out, you know. And so now what we got is.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy villagers and we got no elephant.

[Adam Carolla]

Stomp stomp stomping on all the crop, crop, cropping. See, you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm supposed to be the bad guy here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's your opinion.

[Brian Bishop]

Also. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Very nice. That was very good.

Like, how did the villagers reach out to him? Do they send him an email?

[Allison Rosen]

I got, I got a smoke text.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

I got instant message using a TomTom drum. Not the Tom Tom GPS, but the Tom tom drum. So I got smoked X and I.

[Allison Rosen]

Hopped on the first plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's actually my plane, and I.

[Allison Rosen]

Went right over there to Mozambique and shot that elephant dead.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me tell you something.

[Allison Rosen]

When you fly private and I have.

[Adam Carolla]

To go through security, you know, I'm saying, so you take all the elephant guns you need to, you know what.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm saying, and you try going on.

[Adam Carolla]

United with an elephant gun. Okay, Mrs. Face.

[Allison Rosen]

And I went over there and I got off the.

[Adam Carolla]

I got the what you call citation that's got 6,000 mile. We refueled in Iceland.

[Allison Rosen]

Next thing you know, I'm out there in Mozambique and got my elephant gun with me and went ahead and put a bullet right between that bull elephant size there.

[Adam Carolla]

And like I said, a lot of.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy villagers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

They, they're eating elephant jerky, elephant steak.

[Allison Rosen]

They got ground elephant over there.

[Adam Carolla]

They're making elephant meatloaf. Now you claim elephant roast.

[Brian Bishop]

You claim elephant stroganoff.

[Adam Carolla]

Elephant off stroganoff. Yep.

[Brian Bishop]

You claim that you shot a bull. But an elephant researcher expert has come forward and said, actually, no, it was a young female that was shot.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't check genitalia before I get the elephant in my crosshairs. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

And now what about the idea that.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, this one is 2 tons and.

[Adam Carolla]

Pissed and has teats.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, I'll go over there and.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it a nice rub down, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

What people need to realize is an elephant, elephant.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, I will shoot.

[Adam Carolla]

A bull seal or an elephant seal.

[Allison Rosen]

Or a bull elephant seal or a.

[Adam Carolla]

Tiger shark or a bull shark. I like to combine animals. It's like killing two animals with one bullet, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

What people need to realize is that elephants become very traumatized when one of their family members is shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Cry me a river.

[Brian Bishop]

Johnny Rodriguez, Chairman of the Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force.

[Allison Rosen]

Farmers become very traumatized when they get their corn stomped on, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

They have very good memories, and the trauma makes them them aggressive towards humans, which is dangerous for tourists. They are getting radicalized.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna give that elephant a domain name.

[Adam Carolla]

It's deadelephant.net deadelephant.net you can talk to him that way.

[Allison Rosen]

I got that little girl who drives.

[Adam Carolla]

The IndyCars who moved over to NASCAR, Danica Patrick. She's what we call a spinner. She ain't no elephant, I'll tell you that right now.

[Allison Rosen]

She is like the prop on a.

[Adam Carolla]

Beanie, you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

That's good stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I like to break them in before I put them on camera, you know what I'm saying? Make sure they're go Daddy material, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

So a lot of people are actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a gun between my pants, you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes it goes off prematurely. Mmm, yeah. Boycott all you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Boycott chick cot.

[Allison Rosen]

Fuck God, army cot. I don't give a fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm rich. I'm gonna come over there and shoot your elephant. You got an elephant?

[Allison Rosen]

And anytime there's an elephant that needs.

[Adam Carolla]

Shooting, I'm coming over there, I'm gonna.

[Allison Rosen]

Gas up the citation.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm coming out there, and I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Care what part of Africa it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie Sheen, now shoot him.

[Brian Bishop]

Is allegedly trying to copyright 22 of his catchphrases.

Trying to find the. Well, here we go. Yeah. He's trying to trademark 22 of his catchphrases, including, duh, winning Vatican assassin Tiger Blood and rock star from Mars. The phrase I'm not bipolar, I am winning could end up on cell phones and comic books, on wallets, purses, stickers, and pens and pencils. Could be on your elephant gun.

[Allison Rosen]

I had let's get ready to rumble.

[Adam Carolla]

In 1972 and never, never went and registered it. So I know what it's like, by the way, they could have registered it at GoDaddy. Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

Records show hieroglyph, a California company formed last month filed trademark applications between March 19th and 22nd.

Let's see.

A pair of applications cover the title of the actors current stage show. Seeking protection for the phrases violent torpedo of truth and defeat is not an option.

[Allison Rosen]

This thing where you get to.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you sound all different, I know, but this thing where you get to trademark a combination of words that already exist seems fucking insane to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Whether it's Final Four or March Madness or let's get ready to Rumble, whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck it is that you've yelled, the idea that you put those words.

[Allison Rosen]

Together that people have uttered a million times before you, and then went, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I just registered it. So now you're gonna have to pay.

[Allison Rosen]

Me if you want to say Final Four.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you, you should bullshit.

[Brian Bishop]

Trademark. Get it on and mandate. Get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, and write that down. Yeah, well, I already got behind it.

[Brian Bishop]

You trademarked it? Are there a lot of other people who are trying to put it on their coffee mugs? Let's just say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's. My lawyer says. My attorney says I shouldn't talk about it.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Let's just say Behind.com is no longer an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

He's also trying to trademark Sober Valley Lodge, the name of his home.

[Allison Rosen]

Good name phrase.

[Brian Bishop]

V. And so.

And so, you know, he's doing the live show right now and the very first show in Detroit. He was booed off stage, but then he got a standing ovation the next night in Chicago because he revamped the entire show in between the two of them. Like, instead of being this sort of freewheeling whatever the horrible one was that he just turned it into a talk show.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard the next show went better, but did it go gangbusters or a standing ovation.

At the end of the show?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, okay, granted, those are perfunctory, but I guess he didn't get booed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Good for him. Well, he'll work it out.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. There's a Miley Cyrus sex doll called finally Miley.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

And according to the sun, it's sold out within 48 hours of going on sale.

[Adam Carolla]

Whose son would buy that thing? That is sad. Number one. Number two, she's not hot and she's not going to be hot. She's sort of a cute kid who's not going to make a very hot adult.

[Brian Bishop]

The people who have who are fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Her Lucite likeness beg to differ.

[Brian Bishop]

Who are waiting, who are saying, finally, finally. Miley would disagree.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what if you're walking your dog and you pass your neighbor's house?

[Brian Bishop]

Three achy love holes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's three. Count them, three. Yeah, you could try to figure out what they are. I'll be shooting a pack of Durham while you'll be packing her fudge. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

So have you guys ever had sex with sex dolls?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

And the show has reached a new low.

[Allison Rosen]

The. The whole.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never even been with a hooker because the whole thing is the notion of.

[Allison Rosen]

And first off, there's always.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like my hands were entombed in cement, you know, it wasn't like that 129 Hours movie or whatever it was.

[Brian Bishop]

You added a couple hours.

[Adam Carolla]

127, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have to cut my arm off of the fucking pocket knife, you know? I mean, as long as I got a left hand, I'm cool, right? You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

So if you were to lose a hand, though, you might consider a sex dollar a hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, I'd go to the right. I'm just saying. Fucking some, you know, some silicone doll. This doesn't.

[Brian Bishop]

The doll looks more like a porn star than she does.

[Allison Rosen]

The doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. That's the chick on the box.

The doll.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's a person.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I can't tell anymore. I think that's, you know.

[Mark Marin]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

The doll.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

I can. How much is it? The wait is over.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you're just walking your dog.

[Adam Carolla]

And you went by your neighbor's house and that box is in the trash can?

[Allison Rosen]

As a matter of fact, here's what I want.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want the doll, but I do want two pallets of the boxes.

[Allison Rosen]

Just to spread out. Just to sort of prop the lid.

[Adam Carolla]

Up and put out, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Just the greatest. That's the greatest ever, right? I mean, you want to talk about a great prank? You can probably get the box for.

[Adam Carolla]

About a buck 50 a unit, no problem.

[Allison Rosen]

I could.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd spend a thousand bucks and just get the box and just fucking spread them out all over every asshole's neighbor and trash, you know, wouldn't even have to be trash day. Lean up against the curb, toss them.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

In the back of a pickup truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It'd just be fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like if you're going to Costco and you're, you know, just walking in a store and you pass A couple empty pickup trucks or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Just, you know, cracked window or something. Just toss it in there.

[Allison Rosen]

See how long it slid around the back of that baby.

[Brian Bishop]

One time I was grocery shopping with.

[Adam Carolla]

My friend, especially anything in the handicap parking lot. Yeah, sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

In college, and we were walking around, and they kept cracking up, and I was like, what? And they kept laughing, and I was like, what? Is there something on me? And finally, finally, when we got up to check out, I realized I've been walking around with, like, the economy size depends in the cart the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, see, that's good.

[Brian Bishop]

It's good. The doll box would be better.

[Adam Carolla]

Even better.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But now, wait a second. How much is this doll?

[Brian Bishop]

Because I don't actually know. The news story did not include that. That important fact.

[Allison Rosen]

There's the inflatable doll that has. The inflatable doll just has the, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, picture the hot model on the box, and then it looks like a fucking pool raft with, like, seams and, you know, stuck together.

[Brian Bishop]

There's inflatable sheep, too.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 33.

[Brian Bishop]

Look like real sheep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they feel like I'm.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't, though.

[Adam Carolla]

What do I know?

[Brian Bishop]

No, the point.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I'll shoot one. The point is this. If this is $2,000, then that's the real thing on the. On the box. If it's $33, that's not the real Miley.

[Brian Bishop]

Tomorrow I'm gonna tell you how much this doll costs.

[Allison Rosen]

What would you feel?

[Adam Carolla]

What if you're Billy Ray? How do you feel about this?

[Brian Bishop]

He's probably on the waiting list.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

2725.

[Brian Bishop]

$27.45.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, that's at Amazon, and if you click [e-mail] we will see 45 cents of that. 2745.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

That's an oddly specific amount.

[Brian Bishop]

That's really cheap.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it seems reasonable for a.

[Adam Carolla]

Young celebrity, you know, how much do.

[Brian Bishop]

You feel like Olsen twin dolls should go for?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're buying in bulk when you go, olsen twins. If you're just saying one, you're talking about one Olsen.

[Brian Bishop]

This makes me think maybe it is an inflatable doll. Because, you know, those real dolls, those are really expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't. First off, it can't be a real latex doll. That's a pic.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a human being.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's a human being. On the.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't tell the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

That means she's.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't have a lot of experience with human beings.

[Adam Carolla]

I Like that. There's a five star rating, by the way, at Amazon.

[Brian Bishop]

That's one customer review. Oh, let's read the review.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, that's probably Billy Ray.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Oh, come on.

[Brian Bishop]

I will read the review if we. Oh God. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And I pray to God that it says, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

I also find the customers also bought.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the picture of my book and the Hammer DVD underneath the bottom there in the box set of the Man Show.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

That review is clearly a joke. You got to read it. It's very funny.

[Brian Bishop]

I recently purchased a finally Miley love doll at my local sex store. And I have to say, I am extremely disappointed. I opened the box waiting for my own Miley or Miley, as I always say, and just right now. And all I got was a flat lady made of plastic. Don't buy Edit. Lol. Oh, I didn't know I had to inflate it. Thanks, Mom. Edit. Oh, man, I got tired of blowing it up, so I hooked it up to one of those machines that my creepy uncle uses to inflate his mattress.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called an air compressor ass.

[Brian Bishop]

And it got too inflated. Miley looks like Kirstie Alley. Note to self. Patent Kirstie Alley Sex blimp Edit. I had to poke a fourth hole. And finally, Miley to.

[Allison Rosen]

That ain't a good year. That's a bad year.

[Adam Carolla]

Mrs. Face.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, well, now she's just like my ex. This isn't too bad. I mean, if you'd like to have sex with a semi inflated trash bag as you balance on one arm while you pray that it doesn't pop. And if it pops, that no one hears it. The last thing I need is for my parents to find me lying naked on top of a flattened Miley Cyrus again.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And again, if you want to help out the Adam Carolla show, you go to Amazon.com convenient great deals on sex dolls support the show. Use the link on our website. Donnie says it's working out nicely. You just buy something on Amazon. People have been twittering.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, I bought a laptop computer.

[Adam Carolla]

I just went to AdamCarolla.com hit the link and then went to Amazon. Spend an extra 15 seconds and we keep the lights on over here. Unbeatable convenience at amazing prices. Great shipping rates. Amazon.com see the way.

[Allison Rosen]

See, that's why I get the big bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I tie things in. Yeah, so it is a cheap, crappy doll.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Let's please go back to that Amazon page for a second because there's a lot to like on there. First of all, it's listed in Health and Beauty.

Secondly, the list of things customers also bought.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, what was it? Plastic.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I saw a plastic vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Scroll down a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Scroll down.

[Brian Bishop]

X Men Origins. Ew.

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a plastic vagina.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No, there's vaginas.

[Adam Carolla]

Vaginas. There are many plastic vaginas.

[Brian Bishop]

That's actually like a whole plastic groin system there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Plastic taints.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a butt. Yeah, there is. Well, there's a red circle, which I think is. There is like their attempt at an anus.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever want to rape a baboon? Really?

[Brian Bishop]

It's not presenting. Yeah, yeah.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Several special.

[Brian Bishop]

There's also Pipe Dream products. The Tuggy.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

The best selling rank is higher than my book. That is discouraging.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

The Tuggy should be an award to give out for these kind of things.

[Adam Carolla]

The Tuggy.

[Brian Bishop]

What is a. There's Fleshlight Alien male masturbator. There's Sue Johansson, Superhead honcho. God, you don't see her. I don't see her on TV anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Sue Johansson.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Her husband's pretty funny. Good. Stand up.

[Brian Bishop]

Fergie love doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's a Fergie love doll.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Oh, that company has a whole lineup of sex dolls.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you?

[Brian Bishop]

They're spelling Fergie wrong, though.

[Adam Carolla]

On purpose, though, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Probably, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just like they're spelling Miley wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you have to.

I thought you had to get the consent of whoever before you did whatever. Do you know what I mean? Essentially using their name.

[Brian Bishop]

But they can say that it's someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

I cannot open a chain of burger joints called McDonald's that spells McDonald's, you know, MK and then Donald's and has golden arches. I can't do it. It's illegal.

[Brian Bishop]

Blue arches.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't do it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if you can. Can like copy my copy mite. Copyright, Trademark.

It's not the name as much as the image I want to say. You have to say slander.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Parody laws, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Miley and Fergie. Spell them different, but it's sort of the same person. Whereas if you're selling something, it's trademark. Like you're selling a burger or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Something. Who asked you?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get our in house attorney on this.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'm Punch out Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

There's more news with Allison Rosen coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to Hear the snippet from your pregnancy book.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, but it's the drug book this time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right.

[Brian Bishop]

You guys have that. Does that change your mind?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you. I told you to write a pregnancy book before you're pregnant and write a rehab book before you get.

[Brian Bishop]

Before I go to rehab.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Well, the pregnancy book was going so well that I thought, while the iron's hot, I'm gonna knock out another book because I don't want to wait until the pressure's on. Oh, she's working on her second book now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. So again, I don't have a title for this one yet, but I'm thinking of this. Me on Drugs. Any questions? You know, from the commercial? Yeah, or I also, like, maybe Go ask Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ask Allison. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

So anyway, now that I'm in the throes of a full fledged drug addiction, I'm withdrawn, moody, and prone to irritable outbursts. Instead of going out in the fresh air to enjoy activities like kite flying or horseback riding with a coach or other trusted adult, I prefer to stay indoors and wear a jean jacket. Also, I'm very undependable. If I had a watch, which I don't because I pawned it for drugs, the big hand would be on party and the little hand would be on time. But this watch wouldn't take me to parties where I have meaningful exchanges with family members and the church. It would take me to pity parties where I do drugs and have sex and commit crimes and sacrifice chickens. I wish I could stop, but I'm out of control.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that is powerful.

[Brian Bishop]

Upcoming chapters include My lips are moving, so I must be lying. Peer pressure. A how to guide. And I'm a glass of orange juice, and I think I can fly, so I'm going to jump out a window and then feed myself parts of my own face.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I love about Allison Rosen. All right, we're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, Adam Devine and Blake Anderson, both from the new TV series Workaholics on Comedy Central. Quick break. Back with those two after.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I got a serious question. For $100,000, would you suck a man's penis?

[Adam Devine]

Man's penis?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, you get to pick the dude.

[Adam Devine]

So final approval. All you'll choose Any I want to whoever's.

[Allison Rosen]

Except for me and Blake's.

[Adam Devine]

All right, then.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, totally.

[Adam Devine]

Definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Adam Devine]

100 GS? Yeah, I think so.

[Blake Anderson]

Okay. What about 75,000?

[Adam Devine]

Yo.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Mark Marin]

For sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do real five grand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Really?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, 30 seconds away from getting a pretty sweet used motorcycle.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it would take you way longer than that. Who do you think you are? Are you kidding me right now?

[Adam Devine]

You seen these lips?

[Adam Carolla]

I have.

[Adam Devine]

Have you enjoyed the presence of eating a kielbasa 3 donk?

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird.

[Adam Devine]

Girls. Girls are like. I'm impressed by that.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, hold on.

[Blake Anderson]

What is the absolute least amount of money you could get paid to blow a guy?

[Giovanni]

Now we're talking.

[Adam Devine]

If I'm honest with myself, yeah, I'd have to say $900.

[Allison Rosen]

From Comedy Central's workaholics Adam Devine and Blake Anderson on the Adam Carolla Show. Thanks for coming to the show, guys. Oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

I appreciate the honesty. Cause I've. I've had that situation where you ask the guy the hypothetical question. You're like five gazillion dollars and you're like, I know if I had a briefcase with $10,000 in it right now, you'd fuck your mom while I film be. Let's be honest.

[Adam Devine]

Eric's blown a circle of dudes for 10. 10 GS.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, pull that mic up to your cooler there. There you go, baby. So how's the show come about? You guys doing in a comedy troupe?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, we. We're Internet sketch group and mail order comedy, and we were just making Internet videos forever and nobody was watching. Really? Nobody was watching them?

[Blake Anderson]

People from high school.

[Adam Devine]

A lot of high school people were watching. Yeah, they were just saying, still not funny.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, yeah, we don't. We still.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you guys from?

[Adam Devine]

Omaha, Nebraska.

[Blake Anderson]

I'm from Northern California. Bay area. Concord, to be specific.

[Adam Devine]

Tom Hanks, Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Hanks, yeah. Yeah, evidently Dawson is there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's where I grew up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm guessing when they explain all the luminaries that came from the Concord area, they first say Hanks and then Dawson.

From there.

[Blake Anderson]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

How stoned you have to be to not know that Tom Hanks is from your sleepy town. Yeah, fairly stoned.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like people don't go around talking about Tom Hanks. I went to a big football. I learned Tom Hanks was. Blake and I have known each other for 10 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

I learned Tom Hanks is from his town.

[Brian Bishop]

He has to start shit. But I feel like what Dawson's really thinking is, I don't think Tom Hanks is from there. Am I.

[Adam Devine]

Google?

[Blake Anderson]

He's a treasure to our town. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

I like the El Tapatio myself, but Tom Hanks is cool too.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so. So how'd you guys connect?

[Adam Devine]

Community College, Orange County.

[Brian Bishop]

Which one? That's where I'm from.

[Adam Devine]

Orange Coast?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Costa Mesa.

[Blake Anderson]

The Pirates.

[Brian Bishop]

Back to stuff that Adam knows about.

[Adam Carolla]

Born in Concord, California.

[Blake Anderson]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Blake Anderson]

Right? There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So now what?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Amos?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess so what? Amos Hanks?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah. He was a jerk.

[Adam Carolla]

What? How did you get to Comedy Central?

[Adam Devine]

Walter Newman from Comedy Central just plucked us out of the blue. He saw a web series we did and liked it. It was very similar to the show and brought us in, and we were like, you like this? It only has 600 views.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

And then they gave us a television show. It's very easy.

[Adam Carolla]

It premieres tonight, by the way, at 10:30 on Comedy Central. And is it.

How much input does Comedy Central have? Are they giving you some autonomy?

[Blake Anderson]

We've actually been really lucky. They kind of just. They've seen a lot of our Internet stuff, so I think they kind of liked us from that. So they were really cool about.

[Adam Carolla]

There's two types of being left alone to express yourself creatively. There's the good side, which is these guys know what they're doing, and then there's the we're pulling the plug abortion in a couple of weeks. I'll just go. So there's two types of them not showing up. One is good and one. One is horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

We're hoping it's not the latter.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, we're pretty nice to us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Blake Anderson]

When we would talk to them, they're.

[Adam Devine]

Just like, more dick jokes, please. And we're like, yeah, we can.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you have to beep out dick on Comedy Central?

[Blake Anderson]

It's really weird. Like, we can say dick sometimes. It's just when you're talking about, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a sucking.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah. But we did get away with it once. We have, like, the whole Office in one episodes saying, like, together, like, suck our dicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Blake Anderson]

Kind of said, well, it was a metaphorical dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's.

[Adam Devine]

That's sticking it to the man.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always great when you have these serious conversations, especially as an atheist, where they're like, because I've been in radio for a hundred years. You know, it's like, now, listen, listen. It's okay to say you're pissed off, and it's okay to say you've got to take a piss, and it's okay. You say, I've seen that dog taking a piss, but you cannot say, I peed on my girlfriend. You understand the difference? You do understand the difference, do you not?

[Allison Rosen]

You're like, no, but who gives a fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just an atheist trapped with a bunch of retarded people in some world that I want no part of.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like a time traveler who's.

[Adam Carolla]

Come back in the past to be tortured by just idiots. And I've had these conversations with Comedy Central. As you probably have guessed many, many, many times, the greatest victory I ever had with Comedy Central is back when I used to be on Comedy Central when we were doing the man show.

[Blake Anderson]

Very good show, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. We had a bunch of middle aged Jewish broads running the network. And when you're doing the man show, that's just what you want. Post menopausal Jewish chick in there knows ex where you're coming from. And she. We got this argument one time, which.

[Allison Rosen]

Is they'll kind of let you say.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost anything, but anything that borders. That's a. That's semi racist. They always freak on. Yeah, just fucking freak out on the racist shit. And we just were telling some jokes where two Albanian women got together in a supermarket and they made some sort of joke about their husband. One said, my husband's this and the other Albanian. And they're like, you can't say that about the Albanians.

[Allison Rosen]

And it was like. It was just one of these sort.

[Adam Carolla]

Of pollock jokes, but Albanian, you know, leave them alone. And they got all freaked out by it. And we tried to change it and it never worked. And we tried to change again and it never worked. And they said, you can't say Albanian. And finally I got Debbie Liebling, who was running the thing at the time, and I got her on the phone and I said, debbie, I said, well, what's your nationality? She said, I don't know. She was, you know, Dutch or something. And I said, what's your husband's nationality? He said, he's Italian. And I said, all right.

[Allison Rosen]

And I said, jimmy, what is your.

[Adam Carolla]

What is your mom's nationality? She's Italian. I said, what's your dad's nationality? German. I said, okay, my mom's English and my dad is Italian. So if the two Albanian women are talking about their husbands, it's racist of.

[Allison Rosen]

You to assume the husbands are Albanian.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're not necessarily Albanian. So they can have stinky balls just like everyone else. And we're not saying Albanians have stinky balls just because two Albanian women say.

[Allison Rosen]

Because they may not be. And she, because we live in a stupid. This world is just a retarded game.

[Adam Carolla]

Of fucking Connect four that no one gives a shit about. She goes, well, you Got me?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Banian joke. And that's. That's how it works.

[Adam Devine]

That's awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

That's.

[Blake Anderson]

Taking this and the ratings.

[Brian Bishop]

Albanians enraged.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

No one ever gives a.

[Adam Carolla]

You just argue about.

[Allison Rosen]

You argue about over and over and.

[Adam Carolla]

Over again, and then eventually you compromise into something that's not quite as funny as the way you had it, and then no one gives a. Yeah, that's. That's the way it works.

[Brian Bishop]

But congratulations, you guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.

[Blake Anderson]

Thank you. Yeah, I feel like we got our Albanian jokes in there.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, we have a whole. Changed it for us.

[Mark Marin]

How.

[Adam Carolla]

How scripted is the show? It feels conversational. And, yeah, we.

[Adam Devine]

We write everything. We write a full script, and then we sort of just wipe our asses with it once we get on set. Just make sure we do it a couple times and get it and then.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam Devine]

Go off.

[Adam Carolla]

And how many episodes we doing?

[Adam Devine]

We did 10.

[Blake Anderson]

10?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Blake Anderson]

Got 10 out of the deal.

[Adam Devine]

And then they picked us up to write 10 more, so we've been busy doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That means they like what they see.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you guys hang out. We'll do the news, and Allison crack wise, and you guys can just chime in. As a matter of fact, I should do a little. Give a little love to one of our sponsors. And by the way, I brought in Mike August phone because it's been driving me nuts, and you'll hear me make this exact same complaint on a podcast that's going to take place in a week or so. But I finally found Mike August's phone. I've been on the road with the guy for the last five days, and it drives me insane that phones ring without giving you a chance to pick them up. The cell phones.

[Allison Rosen]

It's bizarre, because before you do, if.

[Adam Carolla]

You do a live comedy show or you do anything, the guy gets on the P.A. all right, now you count. There's less.

All right, now stop the ringing for one second or hang up on yourself. We'll do it in a sample. But before you do a show, they go, hey, turn off all the cell phones. If you go to the Arc Light movie theater, the guy gets up there and he says, turn off the cell phones or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

And then inevitably, somebody gets embarrassed because their cell phone is either in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Pocket of their cargo pants, which contains 28 pockets, and they can't remember which one it's in, or it's a woman, and it's in her purse, and her purse is down her feet, and at Some point, the phone rings, and you can see the person moving for it, but the phone rings 11 times before they can actually fetch it from wherever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Why not just have the fucking phone ring once? Give the person a five Mississippi to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Go fucking get it. And then if they didn't, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there ever a scenario where your.

[Adam Carolla]

Phone rings and you went, well, that couldn't be anybody. So I'm not gonna.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you go for your phone, but.

[Adam Carolla]

It rings five times before you do it. I was doing a bunch of phone interviews. I was in the car with Mike.

[Allison Rosen]

August, called his phone, and here's exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

What it sound like.

[Allison Rosen]

And he would dive on it, but.

[Adam Carolla]

He couldn't get it before it rang three times. And it's super generic and annoying as well. I don't. I don't know why. Or maybe it's just being sleep deprived and being on the road. You calling it? Yeah. Takes 10 minutes.

[Blake Anderson]

No reception.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess we don't get reception in here.

[Allison Rosen]

How do we do it before.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wait, I see it lighting up. Oh, there we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it just hung up on itself. Really? Now I'm pissed about being pissed sitting on your point.

[Blake Anderson]

It just did the one ring.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I think we all heard how we're between Indianapolis and. All right, well, maybe it's gonna do good.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, there we go.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

It's not a second.

[Allison Rosen]

Why not?

[Brian Bishop]

Continuous extra foreboding, chiming in the background. Did you save that rush?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, it sounds like the beginning of the. A cool Rush song. When those flutes come in, it's just like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm just perch blast in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Background saying, and you guys can help me because somebody's gonna write in or Twitter us or something. Can you program in a phone that does. You know, if you have an iPhone, it does everything and then some. Can you program your own shit where the thing rings once?

[Allison Rosen]

Like when you feel better, if you're.

[Adam Carolla]

At a church or at a funeral or wedding or at a dinner, if you just got that little bit like, oh, phone rang, and then, I'm not gonna ring after that until you get it. Wouldn't that be a cool setting about it?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, I think you could do that on the iPhone. You could program your own rings, but can you not do your own ring?

[Adam Carolla]

Can you do the sequence?

[Adam Devine]

Someone smarter than I would have to get on that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. We need to survey the room. What is your ringtone? So don't play it. Just say it.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Virate only ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Smart.

[Blake Anderson]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Adam Devine]

Me too. Me too.

[Brian Bishop]

What's yours? Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It's like some sort of classical something. I don't know what the it is. I have it off all the times.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Blake Anderson]

Miss Universe from China going, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Blake Anderson]

It's custom.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, nice.

[Blake Anderson]

I had a crush on her.

[Adam Carolla]

You did?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She was really cute before the restraining order. Or, like, what happened?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, I don't. I'm not sure she got my letters. She just went.

[Adam Carolla]

Clearly she got them. Yeah, I'm positive because you're notified.

Speaking of iPhones, by the way. 01 Media Center. 310-651-8488. Do you know you can rent a computer?

[Allison Rosen]

Why would you rent a computer?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe your filmmaker. Maybe you want to edit. Maybe you need a super. You know, I got a computer for editing.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe you're about to be arrested and you don't have much time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. It's like that movie with what's his name from Spike Lee. Point Is this 26 hours? Oh, something like that. 27. 127 hours, 29 minutes. Yeah. How about a little computer repair? What if your computer's being repaired and you need one just for a couple of days? You can even rent an iPad from 01 Media center, by the way. We do all our work, they get us all our computers. They fixed Paul Bryan's iPhone. IPad.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Good, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Good is new. 01 Again has supplied us with all our supercomputers. Good guys, good people. Full blown service center. Apple reseller and service center. And you can take it over there. 310-651-8488 or check them out at01mediacenter.com Good people. Old, old sponsors for us. And one of the first guys to get on board. So check them out. 01 Media Center. All right. Now, Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm?

[Adam Carolla]

You got the rest of the news?

[Brian Bishop]

I sure do.

[Allison Rosen]

And now the rest of the News with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Remember when we reported on Flavor Flav opening a chicken shack in Clinton, Iowa, and it seemed like a real airtight business? Well, the restaurant has been accused of bouncing employees checks. Employees Kelly Butler and Kim Koska claim that they have been unable to cash checks from three weeks worth of pay, despite trying several banks, including Freedom bank, where the restaurant's account is held. Flav, however, denies the claims.

[Adam Carolla]

That is not the Flav I know.

[Adam Devine]

Number one, I cannot believe he asked.

[Adam Carolla]

And let me just say this. When you're wearing, you know, 40, 50 pounds worth of clock around your neck, you don't want to be anywhere near deep fryer. Because it could be the kind of thing where some employee went, hey, Flav, we had a little problem with deep fryer number four. And he went, let me have a look at that.

[Brian Bishop]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he would just lean over it and feel his face slowly being sucked toward as his chain was being dissolved.

[Blake Anderson]

Gold teeth are melting into the oil.

[Brian Bishop]

Like the clock would conduct.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Conduct the oil.

[Allison Rosen]

No, just the sheer weight of that thing around.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you wouldn't go in a sweep.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. It would splash all.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta just push a guy into the deep end of a swimming pool, and he's dead. Right. Just between the teeth and the clock. He's gonna grab him by the.

[Blake Anderson]

The Viking horns that he's always wearing. It just like.

[Brian Bishop]

You just see these Viking horns, like, swirling around the big vat of oil.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally at a Viking funny funeral.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He's wearing concrete shoes, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

As timepieces.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, though, let's hear what he has to say and then listen for the restaurant owner, Nick Cimino. And I'm just. No, we'll listen. There's something I want to point out, but we'll just listen to him say it. Okay, let's hear the clip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not true information, first of all.

[Bob Parsons]

Second of all, maybe that these are.

[Allison Rosen]

People, man, that's probably just jealous of me being here. And they probably want to see me out, his employees. You know what I'm saying?

[Bob Parsons]

But, yes, we do have money in our accounts.

[Mark Marin]

We had a little glinch in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Credit card.

[Allison Rosen]

And that happens in any business.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever see that movie?

[Allison Rosen]

You see that movie? Glitched and Stole Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

It's awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

His heart was three sizes too small.

[Adam Devine]

Slave was sleep talking. He didn't open his eyes that entire interview.

[Adam Carolla]

He's quickly becoming Ike Turner, by the way. He's turning an old black guy scary, scary scare. I think. Evolve. I think that's what I wanted to say. Yeah. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

I think restaurants are some of the hardest businesses to get off the ground. So I wonder why celebrities are so drawn to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, they always say, we're gonna name it after you. And they put something in front. You know, put your name. Somebody comes to you and says, we're gonna put your name in front of this whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam Carolla's House of Pie and Omelets.

[Blake Anderson]

I'm there.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, pies and omelets.

[Blake Anderson]

I'll be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna put your well there.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. There's a big picture of him on the Sign. Right.

[Adam Devine]

Well, you're going to. That if you're driving by.

[Allison Rosen]

There's also this thing of I get.

[Adam Carolla]

To go here and eat free. And then there's a sort of a narcissism mixed in with, you know, secret herbs and. And spices, which is narcissism.

[Allison Rosen]

And look, the place is called Flavor.

[Adam Carolla]

Flavors.

[Allison Rosen]

Got a big picture.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, that's why they do it.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah. I mean, the guy's name is Flavor. He should be involved.

[Brian Bishop]

Some savory endeavor.

[Adam Devine]

Delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone evokes Kenny Rogers because, you know, his roasted chicken is delightful. And they go, look, but work for the game. He's white and he's selling chicken. You understand? Imagine what you could do with your pigment.

[Brian Bishop]

They did get the finest storefront in Clinton, Iowa.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the jewel. It's the. It's a jewel in the crown. Clinton, Iowa, real estate.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Location, location, location.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, did you say you know Clinton, Iowa?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

I'm from Waterloo, Iowa.

[Brian Bishop]

There we go.

[Adam Devine]

And then moved to Omaha when I was 10.

[Brian Bishop]

Shout out. But you ended up in OCC.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah. That's where dreams are made.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. I was trying to move to la. My parents thought I'd get gang raped if I moved directly there.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably just raped.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

No, not a whole gang.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, as far as gangs go, it's like.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They probably wouldn't waste their time on a guy like you from. I mean, you're. You're. You're fairly easy on the eyes, but, you know, I mean, you're not Brad Pitt. Yeah, well, I'm saying they'd probably dispatch a gang member or two to rape you. Yeah, but I think it'd be a full gang.

[Adam Devine]

How many people constitute a gang raping?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's a percentage. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you have a gang that has several hundred guys in it.

[Adam Devine]

10%, at least.

[Adam Carolla]

10.

[Adam Devine]

10'S a full gang rape.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But if you've got a gang where.

[Adam Carolla]

There'S only like four guys in it, then if one guy just fingers you, that's gang rape.

[Blake Anderson]

That's a gang bang.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 10 of the gang.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

They wouldn't have to.

[Blake Anderson]

I'll take that.

[Adam Devine]

They wouldn't have to. Gang rap.

[Brian Bishop]

Some consider that a gang raping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's the same thing.

Yeah. But again, it'd probably just be a solo. Right. Situation.

[Blake Anderson]

I could see that.

[Adam Carolla]

I should talk to your parents.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Well, I'm glad I moved to Orange County.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, that was probably a good.

[Brian Bishop]

But you guys live in LA now.

[Adam Devine]

We do.

[Blake Anderson]

Sure do.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

It's much safer.

[Blake Anderson]

Van Nuys, Beautiful.

[Adam Devine]

Van Nuys.

[Blake Anderson]

You ever heard of that? Van Nuts.

[Adam Devine]

We call it beautiful.

[Blake Anderson]

Get so crazy.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, we do. Get real.

[Allison Rosen]

It's beautiful.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, Isn't it? Isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Love it. It's gorgeous.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you call it Van Nuts also? Adam?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you go from Fontucky to Van Nuts?

[Allison Rosen]

Van Nuys is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Van Nuys High is where they film Fast times at Ridgemont High. Go Wolves.

[Adam Devine]

Right down the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Go Wolves. And we used to play them in football every year and we sucked and they were good and we played that. The year I was playing, we would play those guys. It was weird. When I see the movie, I see the dudes really? From the guys we used to play with. Yeah. There's a close up. It always drives me nuts. I gotta figure out the guy's name. But there's a. I. There's a guy who's on. I was on the all league team and he was on the all league team. And there's a shot of this guy's big head, big bald head right on the sideline yelling. And I was like, that guy's.

[Adam Devine]

He's a celebrity.

[Allison Rosen]

Forrest Whitaker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there he is. That's him.

[Adam Devine]

You played with Forrest.

[Allison Rosen]

That's cool.

[Adam Devine]

Intimidating.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Van Nuys is a dump. And it's sad and it's one of the more depressing places.

[Allison Rosen]

You see the thing about other places.

[Adam Carolla]

That are scary and dicey and dumpy. Like there's bad parts of Chicago, but it. At least they can boast. They have character. Van eyes. Just a piece of shit. There's no architecture of any kind.

[Adam Devine]

All they have is subways.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's shitty. Shitty food, shitty people. Bunch of Mexicans just in walking in a circle waiting to die. It's a dumpster.

[Adam Devine]

I saw a dead body there. Oh, you did? Yeah. True story. There was just. I was looking for a new car, so I was just driving around the car dealerships and then I just see a human being stuffed in the sewer, just laying there. And then people gathered around and were like poking him.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the lucky ones, I think.

[Adam Devine]

He was dead.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, actually the mayor of Van Nuys.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Blake Anderson]

No, I wish. That would be really cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Keys to the city.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

If dreams come true.

[Allison Rosen]

Have a mayor, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I feel like being the mayor of Van Nuys would be like being the treasurer of Palookaville or something like that. Just to there. Someone's making fun of you. Right.

[Adam Devine]

What does that key open? It opens the back door to a Carl's Jr.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, van eyes used to be kind of cool. And they used to cruise there and stuff, and then it just pretty much turned into the Bario.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, there's just that 150s diner that they're really holding on to. They're like, it used to be cool. Look at this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but that they. They would call that Sherman Oaks. Van.

[Brian Bishop]

Ey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's on the other side.

[Adam Devine]

That's how they sold it to us. They said it was Sherman Oaks adjacent.

[Blake Anderson]

That's how they get.

[Brian Bishop]

I think our own Katie frequents or lives in Sherman Oaks.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, yeah, we know.

[Brian Bishop]

Katie sees True Blood cast members at the gym all the time. We talk about this.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So there's a lot the town can boast. So. A sketch of Kate Winslet.

[Adam Carolla]

This is amazing.

[Brian Bishop]

I did not ask you. Sketch of Kate Winslet from the movie Titanic is expected to sell for £10,000 of English money.

[Allison Rosen]

From that.

[Adam Carolla]

From. From the movie?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, the drawing. But it. Yeah, it's that. That topless sketch.

By the film's director, James Cameron.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

That guy's in 19. Yes.

[Adam Devine]

Dumb talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there something that guy can't do?

[Blake Anderson]

I doubt it.

[Adam Devine]

He can dunk a basketball.

[Blake Anderson]

I'm positive.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Make a bad movie, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we can't.

[Adam Devine]

We can't.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, we dare him to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. So $10,000.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. No pounds.

Between £7,510,000. A spokesman said this is a wonderful piece of memorabilia. One of the biggest grossing from one of the biggest grossing films of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd take a Sharpie and draw the pussy in it. I mean, I know even if it. Even if it made it less worth a little less, I still feel like.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that your tag?

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's how I roll.

[Brian Bishop]

They call me Lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gang rapers.

[Blake Anderson]

£10,000. How many pounds are those titties on that thing?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's talk about something regarding James Cameron. When Michael Bean was on the podcast, he referred to him as Jim Cameron repeatedly. So then I, because I'm an asshole, said, is he related to James Cameron? And then after that, he kept calling him James Cameron. And I kind of wanted to be like, you can call him Jim. It's okay. I'm just a jerk. Yeah, that's it. Okay.

Get this story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He's compelling and rich.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. I know.

There's gonna be. Yeah. Who said, leave me alone?

[Blake Anderson]

Thank you sticking up for us along Here.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Great story.

[Brian Bishop]

God damn you.

[Adam Devine]

I think you're doing.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Blake Anderson]

Great story.

[Brian Bishop]

There's gonna be a Bill and Ted's three.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there is. Look that we got Fast and Furious five coming out.

[Allison Rosen]

Fast five.

[Blake Anderson]

We're all excited. The rocks in it.

[Adam Devine]

That's when summer starts.

[Blake Anderson]

The rock can do no rock. That's when summer stars the James Cameron of.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, he's the Cameron even.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a coupon. Nay. A card from the Arc Light. I got a VIP guest pass, which means I get to go.

[Allison Rosen]

I get to go to whatever movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I want, whenever I want. Because, my dear, remember I was complaining that me and Bill Simmons went there and it cost 17 bucks for a matinee.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

Of Drive Hard or whatever. That. That Nick Cage movie was probably a problem. The guy overheard me. The guy who runs the place overheard it and he wrote. Wrote me a nice letter. His name is Christopher Foreman and basically gave me a lifetime pass.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Which I was not counting on.

[Brian Bishop]

I am tired of paying for stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. You got me more.

[Brian Bishop]

I need an iPhone.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, I hate I.

[Adam Carolla]

How flat screen TVs are so expensive now fast. And Fast 5's got to be playing at the Arc Light. Otherwise I'm out of luck because I'll be stuck with some Merchant Ivory turkey when I could be watching a film. You know what I mean? You want to watch a movie? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Anything Vin touches I love when.

[Adam Carolla]

I love his acting.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, what did the letter say?

[Allison Rosen]

The letter? The letter said. Let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

Dear Adam, while I'm sure drive angry 3D was worth every penny. You over. Let's see. Sarcastic you over. Shit. It's handling.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you like me to give it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The rendition it needs.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have a pass. It says you should have a pass. Enjoy the show. I don't know if it's limitless. Either way, the next time I go to the Arc Light, I go for free. That's for a.

[Brian Bishop]

Free.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta make. We gotta make sure that the Fast Five is there.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, now I'm sure that they'll. They'll secure it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Upon hearing this podcast, since they listen. So anyway, back to more important cinema news. Bill and Ted Keanu Reeves confirmed to MTV that a long gestating sequel to the classic films Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey is on its way with a draft of a screenplay nearly finished. When we last got together, part of it was that Bill and Ted were supposed to have written the song that saved the world, and it hasn't happened.

[Adam Devine]

What is it gonna be now?

[Brian Bishop]

Become kind of possessed by trying to do that. Then there's an element of time, and they have to go back. I'm. Here's.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I. Let me say this. Let me say this. Whether it's fast, and don't get me wrong, Fast5 is going to be seen at least on more than one occasion by these eyeballs. But Bill and Ted, three, Fast five, or, you know, again, some. Some Sid and Marty Croft, you know, abortion or piece of cat shit from the past that Will Ferrell's gonna star in or whatever. Paul Blart's going back to the mall. Are we just fresh out of fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

Ideas to the mall? Like, strip mall?

[Blake Anderson]

Come.

[Allison Rosen]

We don't have a fucking idea for a movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, people don't have ideas for movies. It's weird to me. Like, we're pulling out, you know, hey, it's a Dream of Genie from 1967. And we're gonna.

[Adam Devine]

Remember how much you love that show.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, Will Ferrell. I mean, again, between that and Land of the Lost, it's like, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Those were shit shows from back in the day. Someone come with a decent fucking idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, why is it so let's watch a good movie.

[Brian Bishop]

But I think that people are coming up with the ideas. It's just really hard to sell an original idea.

[Adam Devine]

Is it them starring in Bill and.

[Brian Bishop]

Ted or it is.

[Blake Anderson]

Can we be in it?

[Allison Rosen]

That's you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just saying, like, AMC was a.

[Adam Carolla]

Shitty car company that made a horrible car called the matador from 1974. I remember it as a piece of shit from my childhood, but I recognize the name Matador.

[Allison Rosen]

But a car company should not go, hey, man, Matador recognition level through the fucking roof.

[Adam Carolla]

So why design a new car when.

[Allison Rosen]

We could come out with the O12 version of the Matador? And then I would raise my hand and go, here's why that would be a bad idea, boss. Because people remind it as a piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

They remember it as a piece of shit. That's why it should not come out in 2008, 2012.

[Adam Devine]

I think they're going for people that don't remember it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then what Good. What's the point then? What's the point of that?

[Adam Devine]

They're going for kids that are like, matador sounds cool. Look how red it is.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I agree with everything you say, but okay. Oh, Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. And Bill and Ted's bogus Journey were good movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I stand by.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are not bad movies when you're a kid.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I've seen it semi recently, last five years. They're not bad movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Adam Devine]

Yes, they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

Keanu is a dear friend and Alex Winter is a good guy because he was directing over Kimmel's. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The other guy, Keanu is a dear friend.

[Adam Carolla]

I like, think of him as a dear friend.

[Brian Bishop]

What does he think of you as?

[Adam Carolla]

He thinks of me as Jew fro dude who did the Toyota Grand Prix with him.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh. Do you know what his name means?

[Adam Carolla]

Keanu? It's. It's Indian for Adam doesn't know what the fuck it means.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's. Well, according to the teen magazines I read when I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

I believe it's cool breeze over the ocean or something like that.

Ask me about the two Corys.

[Allison Rosen]

Never like, who farted?

[Adam Carolla]

It's always something good.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, it means who farted?

[Adam Carolla]

We got some. We got some good quality time and on and off the track, I might say.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, he seems really cool.

[Brian Bishop]

The cars, they could bring back the Etzel and it would be like an ironic, cool, shitty car.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, keep moving.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I know. Well, you know what? That was actually great story.

I have really had enough of you, bald Brian, and your wit.

[Mark Marin]

Next story.

[Blake Anderson]

Next.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, okay, that's actually the end of the news, but I have some, some. I have some other news that I can do. Like big, important breaking news. Brooklyn Decker cut her hair.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Hopefully they can pull up a photo. Here's the thing, though, Adam. I know, I know, I know that you think hot women go off and then shear their. Their heat or cut their hair, but her hair still looks good.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain what hot women do, okay? Hot women still looks good.

[Brian Bishop]

See?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, not as good. Hot women do what black athletes do to cars, which is they can't. They get the new Ferrari and they go, now I gotta put some 22 inch rims on here and I gotta put the Superman decal on the hood and I gotta. Whatever. And by the time they're fucking done with it, they fucked it up. You have a Ferrari 430, just fucking leave it alone. You can't make it any better. And the thing about hot chicks is chicks have to constantly be doing something with themselves. They just have to be trying out new styles, new makeup applications, new whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm always in search for the best tampon.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you're looking for the best Max pad. You're looking for the best tampon I know. Certainly during the heavy flow days, you're looking for the most absorbent product there is out there. Great story.

[Allison Rosen]

The point is, once you get to.

[Adam Carolla]

The top of the hottie mountain, there's really nothing to do but sit down, plant the flag in the name of Spain and wait for the next hot chick to come up the mountain so you can kick the shit out of her. That's what. But they gotta stay busy. So what do they do?

[Allison Rosen]

They start fucking around. The first thing they do is fuck around.

[Adam Carolla]

Now they can't do anything with their bone structure, but they start fucking around with the hair and they start fuck and they always end up cutting it short. And it never gets any better. It's a microcosm of. This example is what women do on their wedding day. You take an attractive woman, you have her hit with a whole bunch of gays and before you know it, there's a version of her that looks fake. It doesn't look like her. It's too much. It's too much makeup, it's too much hair, it's too much gown. And it's not even a good version of what we saw. It's too much. You fuck things up. If you spend too much time. There's. You have to just walk away at a certain point. She's hot. Walk away, crap out a few kids, put on a few pounds and then work it off at the gym. There's a project.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, reset it back to normal, back.

[Adam Devine]

To the start again.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, what did she do with the hair? She cut off because gave it to Justin Bieber. I could use that as a little nest to drop an egg.

[Brian Bishop]

No, she can make her own doll.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you can make a blow up doll.

[Adam Devine]

I'm just saying she needs a doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Saying. I feel like that would be worse.

[Brian Bishop]

You refer to it as dropping an egg.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when I refer to as a nest, that's like.

[Blake Anderson]

That makes me freaked out about like egg drop soups.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah, and it does look like coagulated.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, it does.

[Blake Anderson]

Are you getting some, some Chinese food kitchens? Just.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a. There's a brilliant.

[Brian Bishop]

Dropping eggs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a brilliant, brilliant scene in Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo.

[Adam Devine]

Now that's a film.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's a film. That's no movie, that's a film. And again, one more. Good. I stand corrected. You're right, Brian. Reason. When you come up with something brilliant, you got to follow it up with something better. Where Rob Schneider's dating a gal. He dates a lot of. Of chicks with abnormalities. And he's dating this European chick and she has a penis for a nose.

[Blake Anderson]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's allergic to Rob's cologne. And they had a real hoity toity restaurant. And when she sneezes, jizz goes flying out of her nose and lands in people's soup.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's a real.

[Adam Carolla]

It's what you call high brow comedy by the numbers.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like if Picasso were filmed.

[Allison Rosen]

If somebody runs this clip, you will be. Not only will you barf, but you'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Be sort of confused.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I mean, it's, there's, there's unfunny.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's sort of, wow, how did this ever get from the page to the camera? Like, there's a confusion level of this. Had to be read by a couple of executives and a few folks on the set. And there had to be props made.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It wasn't just one person.

[Adam Devine]

It's sort of when movies need standards and practice, it is a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the Holocaust where you just think.

[Allison Rosen]

Why nobody raised their hand at a certain point when.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, people.

[Allison Rosen]

What is going on? Are you nuts?

[Adam Carolla]

We can't do this. Like, if you. Well, maybe we'll find another still or another thing. She has a penis for a nose and she's allergic. And of course, when you have a penis for a nose, it's hooked up. It's plumbed to the ball sack, of.

[Allison Rosen]

Course, which she doesn't.

[Blake Anderson]

There we go.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the chair.

[Adam Carolla]

Say it's a jizz.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah, he didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Very solid.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, like a little lozenge.

[Adam Carolla]

If you, if you rewind it just a little more, you will see the jizz flying all over. And again, the restaurant is Tavern on the Green where they're playing the violin music tonight. And you're gonna see the. The hoity toity Mater D get hit with some jizz. Now she, Eddie Griff, she is allergic to his cologne and she has a penis for her nose. Other than that, she's hot.

[Blake Anderson]

A functioning penis.

[Brian Bishop]

He knows she has a. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now she just smelled his cologne. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Now again, Rob wrote this on a piece of paper.

[Adam Carolla]

This was written down. Oh, I just got blast in the face. Which is. And there's the Mater D. Oh, dear. Got hit by just a lot in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Now what I'm saying is there's a prop guy. There's a prop guy. This scene took two days to shoot.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, there's a lot of stunt work.

[Allison Rosen]

Again, did anyone just want to raise their hand and go, wow, What?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

What's going on, Brian?

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Allison Rosen]

You do film criticism.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

It makes scientific sense. Because if she breathes to the same, you know, urethra, she jizzes out of, it would coagulate. You know what I mean? The air would make it.

[Allison Rosen]

If you had a cock for a.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it worked for the story.

[Allison Rosen]

It worked for the story.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy ate a load of chiz.

[Brian Bishop]

It wasn't a load. It was like a jizz check checker.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Worst job at the club. A little marshmallow cheese checker. Sir, are you gonna be carrying that jizz into the club?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, here's how many jizz to declare.

[Allison Rosen]

Please take your ticket so that you can reclaim it.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

This is to appear poached.

[Allison Rosen]

You get stiffed or you don't get.

[Adam Carolla]

Tipped on the jizz when you give it back to him.

[Brian Bishop]

If we're leaving, can you imagine, like, a little closet with just a bunch of hangers with tiny jizz checkers dangling off of them?

[Blake Anderson]

I don't believe that was my jizz.

[Brian Bishop]

Jizz, but I like this jizz better.

[Blake Anderson]

Hey, honey, I really scored. Look at this jizz I came home with.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, again, there will be a Deuce Bigelow three.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

There better be.

[Adam Devine]

There's gonna be five of those. Those films.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

They've done Alien vs.

[Blake Anderson]

Predator.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Maybe they could do Bill and Ted Meet Deuce Bigelow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in the new. In the nose that shoots jizz.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Well, George Carlin's dead. They got to bring in another character.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah. Oh, that's true.

[Adam Devine]

It's Deuce for sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't anyone read those scripts?

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. You're welcome.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Very good news.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Ah, the best new app. The best new app for your iPad is. Go to my PC for the iPad. Brand new iPad. That's right. Go To My PC, brought to you by Citrix. Lets you remotely access everything from your work computer, from any PC or Mac. And now your iPad. Can you imagine that? The freedom of that. You would not have to be at your office or your dump in Van Nuys. You could be somewhere safe, like Sherman Oaks. If you had your iPad, you could just go ahead and pull all those jokes off your work computer. What a time we're living in. You can save, edit, and send any file on your office computer right from your iPad, whether you're in a coffee shop or on a couch, possibly in a Coffee shop, or possibly even not in a coffee shop, sets up in just minutes. No IT department needed. Easy, quick, simple, 45 day free trial. Download it for free, go to my PC, iPad, app, app from the app store and then just visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code Adam. You can try it for 45 days for free. Adam. Blake. Mazel tov. As they say in Oklahoma.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no, in Omaha. Yeah, a lot of Jews there.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of Jews. Congratulations, workaholics. Name of the show, very funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Wednesday night tonight, 10:30 on Comedy Central.

[Adam Carolla]

And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Blake. Adam. And of course, Allison and bald Brian saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

And we got no elephant stomp, stomp.

[Adam Carolla]

Stomping on all the crop, crop, cropping. So you know what I'm saying?

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Koller Show 540, I believe when it originally went out, included the 10 meg Andrew Divine instead of Adam Devine. Now corrected along with the audio. Coming up next, for our final clip today, we have Adam Car Show 562 featuring Mark Marin, Alison Rose, and Brian Bishop. This is a live episode from 2011. Check it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Mark Marin coming up in a matter of moments. I don't know how your mother. Well, your mother's Day must have sucked because you're here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I had a couple things. I was actually in the middle of.

[Adam Carolla]

Complaining about my mother's Day on the ride out here tonight. Yeah. And then.

[Allison Rosen]

And I noticed as I was driving out, while I was complaining about the mother's day, I saw that little flap that the valet puts, you know, that little piece of cardboard they stuff under your windshield wiper that just stays there forever. And then you do that move where you turn it on. Now sometimes you're washing your windshield, it gets sogg and it leaves a pink smear mark. And then other times you do that move where you try to time it, like return your windshield on and you go, hup. Huh? I'm sure I'm gonna die. I'm sure thousands of Americans have died trying to pull like fucking menus to Thai food joints and just up, up, up.

I was just thinking, I was yelling at Mike and Mike lynch in August. It was in my car as a valet. How much do you have on your fucking plate? Like, what, what is your fucking check list?

[Adam Carolla]

Like?

[Allison Rosen]

Couldn't remove the tab, the little maxi pad of, of cardboard from my windshield that you placed on it an hour and a half earlier. Couldn't that be part of Your gig.

[Brian Bishop]

No. They're meeting you halfway.

[Allison Rosen]

No. What's. What's halfway?

[Brian Bishop]

To meet them halfway.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

My seat is halfway to the dashboard, and I can't get my 62 ass into the car. How about you slide the seat back?

[Adam Carolla]

Jaime, That's.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm say there's two things. The piece of cardboard that you placed onto my windshield that I never noticed that night because I.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always the same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

You're leaving the Italian joint, it's dark, and you caught a buzz that.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

There it is, like, every and wherever you go. How about just. The policy is, well, when we give you the keys, we. We remove the little. Or what? What do you think we do, collect and trade these things? Hey, man, I was at the milk. Melting pot. Where were you? I was on the CVS lot. Oh, I don't have one of those.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. Well, the truth is, I wasn't really there. I bought a packet of them on ebay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, See, you never know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of those are forged, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not the real thing. So.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

What. Move the.

[Allison Rosen]

Any. Any valets here, Move the seat back and take the tab with you.

[Brian Bishop]

There is one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

The deal should be.

The tip is not present. The tip is in exchange for the tab. I will take this tab. You know how you need the bigger piece of the ticket to give me my car? I need its retarded kid brother in order for you to then get my tip. That should be the tip for tab program.

[Brian Bishop]

It's sort of like when you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

When you pick up.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

They're not done applying. This coat could go on for 20, 25 minutes. They really just want to settle in.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

When you go to the dry cleaner and they hand you your clothes, they remove the little paper thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. What's wrong? And what's the.

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Allison Rosen]

I would love. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna grab.

I was gonna say a. I was gonna say tape measure, but that's too.

[Adam Carolla]

That's gonna be too time consuming.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just gonna grab that thing like.

[Adam Carolla]

They have at Disneyland where, you know, Mickey's arm goes out.

[Brian Bishop]

Must be that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna set that thing at about five, seven and a quarter and try to figure out the average height of the valet and then the average height of the dude who. The NBA power forward who drops off his. His AMG Mercedes and how far you put the seat back. Here's the thing. You can climb into a car with the seat that's too far back and easily go forward. But once it's against the steering wheel, you can't mash your ass into that car. All right, so you got those two things.

[Adam Carolla]

Tab.

[Allison Rosen]

Tab for tips.

[Mark Marin]

And automatic seat adjust.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, where you push the. Push the button.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

First off, do we need three memory settings? Like, does anyone have three people they're sharing their $65,000 car with? Like, well, I drive it. There's my buddy Manny. He's got it Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. And then there's this drunk dude who lives on the cul de sac. And then he gets it every other weekend. I would, I would argue that most rich dudes just pretty much their ass gracing their seat do not need the memory. Has anyone ever utilized that third memory button and the seat memory thing? And by the way, how it's just as much energy to find that button and press it as it is to find the other button and just push it back and automatically go backwards. It's the widest problem on the planet. It is a zero problem. Meanwhile, my invention of the seat gutter still never been implemented into a car. When the chapstick and the keys and the cell phone and everything fall, the change falls out of the sweatpants, goes right into that gutter, ends up in a hopper in the trunk of the car.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Like the other.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you, seat. Got.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Allison Rosen]

Could be like 20 minutes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we'll sit back again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I have the problem when I get into a car that's been valeted, which is that I sit back and all of a sudden I fly back because they didn't pull it up. So I feel like whether it's too far back or too far forward for you, they just make sure to move.

[Allison Rosen]

It, whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Fuck it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Make a mark where it was. So you know whether it be two feet back or two feet forward of that mark. Let's go. Come on, folks. You're working on a tip based. It's a tip based gig, is it not?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Police. That's.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, their comfort is important.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a roach in. In, in.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a roach in that ashtray too.

[Allison Rosen]

Always take all the roaches and all. All the change right out of Susan.

[Adam Carolla]

B. Anthony coin and half a doobie in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Always gone by the. And then easy. No one ever shows up. Hey, who took my roach? I'm going to speak to the management. This close.

[Adam Carolla]

Close.

[Allison Rosen]

Call the police or not.

[Brian Bishop]

I Had two tampons and now there's only one, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And it's spent.

I, I took my kids to the mall yesterday to my, I don't know what satisfaction my wife gets out of this, because my wife tells me how to be a human being, because I don't, I don't know how to be. Most guys don't really know how to be human beings. Your wife will tell you how to be a human being. And then, and then if they tell you, isn't it, isn't it mission not accomplished? Like when, when I used to talk to my therapist and I'd be like, man, it hurts my feelings that I do all these things. And my dad just sits home and he doesn't even, doesn't even ask about.

[Adam Carolla]

It, doesn't want to know.

[Allison Rosen]

And my therapist would always go, will you tell your dad he should come on out to Dancing with the Stars and you want to see him in the audience at Dancing with the Stars? It's really important to you to be there. And I was like, yeah, I could get a refrigerator, dialing some duct tape and physically get my dad down to the CBS studio where we shot Dancing with the Stars. That's not the point. The point is that he wants to go. Not that I get him in a fucking headlock and a half nelson and drag him to the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

And you hope they would know you want them.

[Allison Rosen]

No, not hey, dad, I'm gonna kick the out of your old ass if I don't see your ass sitting there next to burger on come Tuesday night. Like, of course he'd go, but that's not the point.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah, wheeling him up handle electric style kind of defeats the purpose.

[Allison Rosen]

I, I know, I, I, I had, it was funny because Dr. Drew won't one time, I've told it before, but.

[Adam Carolla]

One time I, I whittled his kids some little matchbox box racer, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Cub scout car thing. And we were leaving my house, my.

[Adam Carolla]

Wood shop, and I just did all three of their cars up and Dr. Drew said it was nine year old triplets.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I was like, thank Adam. And the kids were like, we thanked him and we'll thank him again. We'd already, dad, we already thanked, thank him. But dad, we'd already said that he started like yelling, thank Mr. Caroll. I was like, hey, Drew, after about the fifth time you backhanded your kid scrap screaming, thank me. It takes a little of the luster off the. Oh, goodness, where did this come from? Such considerate kids that threaten you in front of Me.

[Adam Carolla]

To thank. To thank me. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

So you know this thing. So my wife. I don't know why she gets satisfaction out of it, but she's like, listen, you got twins. We have twins that are going to be five in a month. So you have twins, you take them down to the mall, and you get a Mother's Day a gift for me from them, okay?

Between 16 and $121. You got it? And I'm like, oh, yeah. You know that thing. That thing you do, dudes, I was definitely planning on doing that. Anyway, how's it work? Worst of all, you need gifts. Like this whole chick thing where it's like, you really need a gift at Christmas from the dog.

Or the fiverr. You fucking know I'm buying it, right? Like, how. By the way, why don't we just get Santa back involved in the mix, like, as adults? So she told me, on Friday, I want a gift from those goddamn kids. I was like, all right, so off to the mall. We went yesterday in. In Sherman Oaks. And soon as we're heading for the mall, my. My kids were like, we'll go. We're going to the Disney Store, right? Kids are horrible. They're just like. They're like the world's worst adults, you know? And they're like, we want to go. Like, we're going to the Disney Store, right? We're going to. I said, no, no, no. We're going to get Mommy a present for Mother's Day. And, you know, if we get Mommy a present, then maybe after that, we'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Go into the store.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, they're like, hey, man, we'll go into the Disney Store. We'll get our. We'll load up on shit. We'll get Mommy something from the Disney Store.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm like, that was their idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm sure she wants a Hercules backpack or something from the. No, that was. Yeah, it wasn't. Well, it was their way of saying, we need to. We need to make a beeline for the Disney Store. And I was like, no, listen, we're not. And. And I sat him. I stopped him in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

And I did that one knee move and that.

[Allison Rosen]

It always works at fucking movies. And on the Courtship of Eddie's Father doesn't work in real life. And I did the look, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

What a great mom.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a great mom. And like, yeah, yeah.

It's about X's and O's. Your mom's gonna be an ex, so let's be nice to her.

I said, listen, your mom is great. A lot of kids don't even have a mommy. You understand?

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have a mommy.

[Allison Rosen]

And your mommy loves you. She loves you so much, and she. She takes care of you. And tomorrow's her day, and I want to go to that mall, and I want to get her something special so you can tell her how great she is, because she is the greatest mom in the world. She's somewhere, you know, around the middle of the list in terms of wives. You know, I don't know where that.

She didn't make the fortune 500 of wives.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

But she's way up top on the mom list. She slides off. It'd be like an SAT thing where you got, like, a perfect score in math and then like a 14 in English or something. Like, so the balance wasn't great, but if you're on the math side, you know. Yeah, but excellent, mom. And so I was like, and don't you want to. And they both paused and looked at me and went, let's go to the Disney Store. And they just took off. Like, it didn't. It didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, look at her.

[Allison Rosen]

And it didn't count for. Am I wearing the same shirt? No, I'm usually wearing the same shirt. That's my son.

[Brian Bishop]

Similar shirt.

[Allison Rosen]

Similar shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

So they both ran right to the Disney Store, and then they're all started running, piling in their.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, yeah, you can't. We can't.

[Allison Rosen]

We gotta go.

[Adam Carolla]

You know?

[Allison Rosen]

And then they just start pointing at.

[Adam Carolla]

To get Mom.

[Allison Rosen]

And then it was like out of a movie where I said, listen, we go get mom's present, then we come back to the Disney Store, and we get to your present, and they're like, all right, all right. And we literally walked out of the Disney Store and past one of those. Those walking shoe places for, like, the old people with the fallen arches.

[Adam Carolla]

And my.

[Allison Rosen]

My daughter was like, yeah, get her those sandals. Those look good. All right, come on. What? I'm like, no, I'm not gonna get. First off, you're pointing a tile on the floor. Like, I can't pull the tile up. They're like, get her a ceiling tile. Let's go. Let's get her back in there. I was like, so my daughter just literally pointing at that. She passed by. That's nice. That's nice.

[Brian Bishop]

That's.

[Allison Rosen]

And so we went into this, like, tchotchke store and got her, like, a vase that was sort of. Sort of ornate and pretty. She could put flowers and Natalia, my daughter, was like, yeah, that's. That's good, that's good. I said, okay, let's wrap that up. And then my daughter's like, sonny, just come on, let's go.

[Brian Bishop]

And.

[Allison Rosen]

And my. And my daughter's like, yeah, get her that weird butterfly out of glass too.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

And I was like, no, we're not just gonna double down.

So I went into that place where they sell that they engrave. But I just.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what it's called.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This is.

[Allison Rosen]

You won't forget? No. I don't know, just remember memories in a bag or something. I don't know, something in a box.

[Adam Carolla]

Things that are lacy.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what it was, but I had this weird conversation where they had a. Took my kids to one of those photo booths. Where has anybody done one of those modern photo booths where they.

[Adam Carolla]

You give.

[Allison Rosen]

It's five bucks, by the goddamn way, more than my parents spent on me my entire. From 13 till now. But 5 bucks and. And you get in there and they'll put like a little theme behind you and they'll do all that'll talk.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, you're in Hawaii.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right, Right. Here's the goddamn problem with those things. They have a big color monitor up here that shows your face. And two feet below it is a circle with an arrow pointing at it. It says camera. But the kids get in there and they're like. So every. Every picture is of their neck and Adam's apple and like their chest plate. Like there's you. They don't look into the camera because that's here. And it's always this. It's like they're on the jumbotron at a ball game. And ever. So every picture, and it's like I'm standing there and I'm going, no, no, here. No, you see my hand and like two of them going, it hold the. Look into the hole. But there's nothing going on in the hole. It's just a weird little hole. And then the miners up here. And so every picture seems staring off.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I feel like it's probably not just 5 year olds who can't master that either. You know, everyone who gets in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Spills into a adult life, right?

[Brian Bishop]

They probably shake everyone down for at least $15.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

What theme did they end up going with?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

They. They had a Mother's Day theme. And so now I took this picture and now I go into Forget not in a Box. And I go, I see a Mother's Day frame. It's like Ooh, it's a Mother's Day frame. It's Happy Mother's Day in a picture. And I said, well, I could take those pictures and I'll put it in the.

[Adam Carolla]

The space that they provide. And.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and. And. And.

[Adam Carolla]

And I. And. But.

[Allison Rosen]

But I didn't want anything engraved. And it was just like this conversation where I, you know, under. Underneath was engraving. And I was like, yeah, just give me the frame. And they're like, what are you gonna do here? Like, just. Just nothing. And they're like, well, how are you gonna. How are you gonna explain this blank space of decorative metal? I'm like, what the fuck? What does every other frame have? They were like, hey, how come there's no shit printed on the bottom of that?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

It was like a seat at a pretty woman. Like, sir, maybe you'd be happier.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll get frames incorporated. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I was. I was.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't realize what dick I was, but I got the frame. I put the whole.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole thing together this morning with.

[Allison Rosen]

Some paste and my daughter and felt bad because it was a black family that was currently residing and they felt semi racist to paste using the white. The lily white paste to paste over it with. My white family felt oppressive. White man has been doing felt oppressive. Yeah, you gentrified your frame, right? An attractive black family in there. And I went right over it with my oppressive white family. All right, should we bring Mark Marin out here and say hi to him?

I should give Mark a little plug. I got a bunch of plugs to do. I should tell you guys that I'm gonna be at the Will Turn theater. Jimmy Kimmel's coming by there, and so is Bill Simmons, and we got some hijinks planned on May 21. Also, the Schnitzer out in Portland, Portlandiers. That is coming up this Saturday. Schnitzer Concert Hall. So let's check that out. Also, the San Francisco palace of Fine Arts, June 4, and my paperback is coming out out with the bonus chapter and everything else.

[Adam Carolla]

That is Tuesday, May 17th.

[Allison Rosen]

But if you want to do us a solid, you can pre order it on Amazon. You click through AdamCorolla.com we get a nickel off every book that's sold, and.

[Adam Carolla]

You get a bonus chapter.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, those things are.

[Adam Carolla]

Like eight bucks or something. Come on now. How fucking cheap can you people be?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, Mark Marin, host of what the. A great podcast. I've done it myself. People are in love with this. Always a perennial top 10 on iTunes.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's available on itunes. So There he is.

[Allison Rosen]

And what the. Pod.com also going to be here later on tonight. So I'm sure you're delighted that you're back here.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, it's great to be here at the mall in Irvine.

I've been here for three days and it's been nothing but fantastic.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Mark Marin]

That was high sarcasm.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you feel like Orange county is unfairly maligned?

[Mark Marin]

Well, no, honestly, I've. I've been here to Orange county three times and every time I've been here, it's been here at this mall. So as far as I know, the people of Orange county are manufactured here at this mall. Literally, they just come out of dressing rooms fully formed and dressed, and they move out to the suburbs from here. This is the tidal pool of Orange County. That is my understanding.

[Allison Rosen]

Understanding.

[Mark Marin]

It's been okay the last few years.

[Allison Rosen]

Stay out here or do you.

[Mark Marin]

That was. The joy of taking the gig is I can run away as soon as the show is over, back to Los Angeles, feeling ashamed of myself. But it's. It's actually been okay. I mean, and I mean, okay. Last night there was a bit of a problem. We had a birthday party, a girl's birthday party just over there. I still. I'm feeling the hate right now. It's coming back to me over there in that area. There was a lot of talking.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know what age appropriately?

[Mark Marin]

Who gives a. I mean, I.

[Brian Bishop]

That means 40.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean women turn into monsters. Now at 40, something happens like.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, what happens? There must be two monster periods, because I think that she was clearly in her 20s and very much a monster.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, they age quickly here.

[Mark Marin]

Well, it's one of those things. Yeah. And they all have the same color blonde hair. I mean, who the makes that decision?

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

You.

[Mark Marin]

I've not seen that in my life. You come to Orange county, it's the exact same weird bleach blonde hair that.

[Allison Rosen]

Comes with the fake boob set.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm from here. That's why I had to leave.

[Mark Marin]

And you, you have chosen another hair color outfit.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly.

[Mark Marin]

But I have no idea what goes on.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I just say this to everyone who's celebrating a birthday?

Nobody outside of your immediate family. And even they're faking it gives a shit.

[Mark Marin]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Stop doing that thing where you get drunk and you're like, Tammy turned 31 today. And you go, that's awesome. Again, you don't understand. I understand perfectly. I don't give a fuck.

[Mark Marin]

That's exactly what happened.

[Allison Rosen]

That's you.

[Mark Marin]

You just did me last Night.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, because it was talking. And I go, well, can you just shut up? Because they were ruining the show. And I said, could you please just shut up? And then you hear that like, it's your birthday, right? And I'm like, well, who gives a right? And then I. I ended up being very mean and hurtful and hoping to make her cry.

[Allison Rosen]

And.

[Mark Marin]

And then after I did that, I said, oh, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, happy birthday.

And then there was a guy over here, right where you're sitting. That is a fucked up seat, my friend. The guy who was sitting there last night was. Was an evil. Because I said. I said, you're ruining the show. And this douchebag, not you, but a guy who was sitting right in the douchebag chair.

He says, hey, what. What's your problem? You're not funny like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Marin]

And it wasn't even like that. That is not a helping the show heckle.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

You know, that's a show, That's a heckle. That means my life is. And I'm gonna ruin this party for everyone in this room.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Marin]

So there's nothing you can do with that. So I chose to go this route. I said, hey, just because you don't fucking like me doesn't mean it's my job to entertain you. Which is hilarious.

[Allison Rosen]

And.

Proving him wrong.

[Mark Marin]

And then everybody was baffled.

[Allison Rosen]

And.

[Mark Marin]

And then I let it sit there for a good 30 seconds because at that point I did not give a fuck. And then I said, do you want to leave? And then he just sat there. And then the staff came and shut him up. Which is always a touchy place to be for a comedian because then you're like, what am I, a pussy?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Marin]

And then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

So he sucked the energy out of the room for a good 20 minutes. But I. But I pulled it around. It worked out okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that the early show or the late show?

[Mark Marin]

It's a haze to me now. I. No, it was. It was the late show.

[Adam Carolla]

That was good.

[Mark Marin]

Good ride home. Yeah, the early show was good. You never know how you're gonna ride home from here. The early show was. It was fun. I had some fans here. And that's the other problem, is that I have. I have a few fans, but not. Not a lot in Orange county, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thank you.

[Mark Marin]

So about 30 or 40 or maybe no less last night, maybe 15 or 16 WTF fans come out and they're surrounded by about 70 Orange county people. 50 of those are free tickets. So they don't give a.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Mark Marin]

Free tickets. The worst way to go, because they're like, hey, if it sucks, we can get on the Ferris wheel.

[Allison Rosen]

So now you have to. You have to charge them in least a dollar at least to emotionally invest them. Yeah. In the process.

[Mark Marin]

Absolutely. Or else they're just sort of like, if it sucks, we can leave, even if we're sitting up front.

[Allison Rosen]

But also, if they gave out free tickets to Citizen Kane or On the Waterfront, half the audience 10 minutes in would be like, you know what? This turkey blows. You know?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So get out of here. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't get.

[Mark Marin]

That's not even the real brand, though. It's like, he's young.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Mark Marin]

But okay, so. So then what happens is that the. The what? The WTF People. My fans are surrounded by these alien people.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And.

[Mark Marin]

And so I'm in this weird position where I have to play to my fans knowing that they're surrounded by 40 or 50 people that are more aligned.

[Allison Rosen]

With the douchebag like, over here.

[Mark Marin]

So it was a. Is a tremendous struggle, but I think we left.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Mark Marin]

And when I. When I drove home last night, I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't upset set. I was genuinely angry at. At Orange county and. And at this guy. I was so hoping that that guy was back. Well, no, he, like, after the show, you sort of. I was one of those shows where I just wanted to look him in the eye. I just wanted to say, what is your problem? Why do you need to ruin an entire show for an entire room full of people? Your family hates you. What happened to you? Yeah, but what's the best that could happen in that situation? He doesn't kick my ass and he cries and apologizes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. It wouldn't be terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what they.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what they need to do? Because I've. I've. I, you know, I have a hyper vigilance, and I'm guessing Mark has a dusting of that.

[Mark Marin]

What you mean on stage, where you're.

[Allison Rosen]

Constantly aware of everything, like, what the going on? Like, why is that guy fired up that blender for the 35th time? And how many goddamn margaritas can you make it anyway? I'm always hearing things and seeing.

[Adam Carolla]

Seeing things.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm looking for my. Yeah, and I've done shows where you just have that dude and he's that like, I. I did it. I think I did a show in Denver. There was a dude who was a black dude dressed like Don Magic Wand. The Sir Don Magic one or the. The pimp.

[Adam Carolla]

The pimp, the pimp.

[Allison Rosen]

Greens for the money, Gold is for the honey. He literally sat where this guy was sitting and he was texting the entire time. Like he was like. And it was like, like, you know, you're doing your thing. You're doing your thing. You're like, ah, the. And the seat does the thing and it like. But it's like you have to keep. She's still texting. It's like, you can't now. You tripped up on it. Yeah. And we've all done that show where there's the one dude or two dudes or handful of dudes that clearly doesn't know who you are, clearly doesn't give a. Is not about to pretend. Sometimes they'll even show you their profile. Like instead of facing.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Kind of be off this way a little bit. Some old dude, he's looking down the whole time. He's not doing anything. And I thought like. And as a performer, you could see people out there and you can see when they're just staring down or not.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Mark Marin]

But you're supposed to be playing.

[Allison Rosen]

You're supposed to be doing this. But why don't you know what they'll do? Like if you're driving on the freeway and some guy ate on a motorcycle and there's carnage, there's brains everywhere and stuff, they'll put up like a little barrier thing. Like the club should have a little screen that they just. They just slide out in front of that guy.

Maybe like a potted plant, like a fern or something like that. Or just like one of those things. Like the old time changing western things. Like, you know, when the hot. Remember when the showgirl would change from a. Somehow. By the way, that's the most Jack material we had was the. Was the bra going over the top. And they will. I can jack to that. There used to be titty in that 10 minutes ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Just discreetly come out and put the screen in front of the guy. And oh, by the way, don't make. How about this? How about on our side of the screen is an airbrushed fat guy laughing.

[Mark Marin]

I'm all for that.

[Allison Rosen]

And they just put up, you know.

[Mark Marin]

Over there I had Sleeping Woman.

[Allison Rosen]

That's another good one. I thought though, eventually, though it might become demoralizing when the whole room was covered in those screens and realized, oh, Jesus Christ.

[Mark Marin]

And you're actually playing for a painting.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, for a painting.

[Brian Bishop]

But then what would be on their side of the screen?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I go like, you know what? Just flip it now. Just you now. A mirror. A mirror. So they could see what kind of monsters they really were.

[Brian Bishop]

And then what if you started really selling out? What is entertainment?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it should come. I, I, I think there should be, should be a, you know, a poster for Two and a Half Men. And it should come with a plate of nachos and just be like, sir, clearly this is not your cup of tea. Look at Charlie back before he sheared a lug nut off. And here's some nachos. And you can discreetly eat that while finishes a set.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, why don't just put a real television in there?

[Allison Rosen]

Flat panel. I mean, now we're getting into power cords and, you know, it's getting a little more expensive.

[Mark Marin]

I have had some pretty bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, who wants to hear him laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

At the wrong time?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, I mean, well, there are those people.

[Allison Rosen]

John Cryer drops a good one. He laughs during your setup.

[Mark Marin]

You know, sometimes that happens in a club in a show where, where you do your joke and then you get the laugh and then there's the weird laugh by itself.

And you're like. And as a come out as a comic, the weirdest thing is, is like, that's sort of weird to you because you're like, you're laughing out of context, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Did I cause that laughter?

[Mark Marin]

Is that something outside of what's happened up here? Because that's not a proper laugh in the situation. But I was in Australia, man. I had some, I've had some weird situations on stage. I was in Australia for two weeks doing the comedy festival there, and a woman started heckling me. Basically. It was, it was bad. Like, she started talking, and she was an American. So this is one of my countrymen, woman in the audience giving me shit. And I said, what's the problem? She's like, I'm just, I'm from America.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're from America.

[Mark Marin]

I'm like, yeah, okay, well, shut the fuck up in American. And she wouldn't. And then she says to me, she says, oh, I'm sorry, Marc Maron is your favorite color. Sad, right? So then I'm like, I pulled it out, Adam.

I said cunt. I said cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mark Marin]

But no, but I was clear to make sure that she understood that it was a UK cunt. Now, in the uk, in Australia, cunt's thrown around a lot. It wasn't a hard American cunt. It was a soft UK cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

I've said it many, many times. They, we use our C and, you know, we keep it behind glass. Oh, yeah. Break in case of emergency. If you really need to pull it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if your relationship loses oxygen. It will drop down. Please secure your. Before you secure the child or whatever we said you. The Englishman in Australia. They toss around.

[Mark Marin]

They roam free.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't mean anything anymore. What do you guys do?

[Mark Marin]

Everybody's a C. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

When you get that point in relationship we really have to pull that cunt out.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Mark Marin]

But I was fortunate in that situation. Is that she was surrounded by Australians who. Who understood the soft cunt. But she took it exactly how it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

Perfect. She was in a cunt hell of her own making.

[Mark Marin]

That's right. She shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

And she didn't email me after. I kind of expect the email.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm the one.

[Mark Marin]

You called me a. You call me a cunt of your show. And you're. You're a too.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I just wanna. I just want to say this. Ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Folks of color who aren't here right now. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

But if they were allowed within the county. Anywhere county. If they're allowed in the county. I want to say this. Don't give a word. That much strength. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Meaning we're smart as white guys because we all got together.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

In a basement in 1961. And we. And we made a pact. Which is call us crackers. We'll laugh it off. Call us honkies. That's funny. Call us whatever. Say we can't dance. We'll just laugh it up. And. And you'll never get the satisfaction. We may go home and cry about it, but we'll never complain about it because we realize we can take the wheel right off your cracker and it'll never.

[Adam Carolla]

Ladies.

[Allison Rosen]

You could laugh cunt off like they do over there in Mary old England. But yet you've given it a thousand horsepower Hemi V8.

[Mark Marin]

I actually think if the mouth could throw a rock, it would be cunt.

[Brian Bishop]

I see. I actually do laugh off cunt. But then I feel like maybe I shouldn't. Or maybe I'm letting down my fellow sisters who would be offended by cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have any sisters.

[Brian Bishop]

Because I'm okay with that word. I chose the word over the whole gender.

[Mark Marin]

I think we should free the cunt. There's no way. I think that we should disarm cunt. I think there should be an active radio campaign to disarm the cunt. And I think we should print shirts up. Disarm the cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Mark Marin]

And that will be incredibly misunderstood.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Because you think there's a crazy jihadist female who got hold of a Mac dad who's running through a mall.

[Mark Marin]

It's really, I think with Joe.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you. No, I mean, I'm pro.

[Mark Marin]

If nothing, that's an English gun.

[Adam Carolla]

That was English.

[Allison Rosen]

Throw it away. You got the news?

[Brian Bishop]

I do.

[Allison Rosen]

You got some news from Mark? Allison's gonna fire off a little news. We are just gonna jump in and.

[Adam Carolla]

Hang out with her.

[Mark Marin]

With Allison Rose.

[Brian Bishop]

How are we doing on time?

[Adam Carolla]

Doing good.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, first of all, big announcement. One of your staff members wife is 12 weeks pregnant. Mike Lynch. Mother's Day. We are announcing this. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Mike's been trying.

[Adam Carolla]

I know he's been. I know they've been trying. Yeah. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, one of them took.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Now on the one. So Claire is 12 weeks pregnant. And on the one hand I feel like yay for them. On the other hand, I feel like we've been working alongside this guy for three months and he didn't have the courtesy to tell us what was going on.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I knew he was trying and I think he was getting in that.

[Adam Carolla]

Same thing I was having to do with the injection.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, by the way, there should be sperm inside that syringe. But you start getting like hormonal stuff and you know, you're giving people, People do that. By the way, there's no such thing as giving people injections that work out. You know what I mean? It's always, there's always a complaint. There's never. Wow, that was dandy. Awesome. You should have been a doctor. What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Ow. What do you. It's like I'm putting a piece of metal in your. What do you think? What do you think this is gonna be?

[Mark Marin]

Never gonna be a good time.

[Allison Rosen]

It's never gonna be a good time.

[Mark Marin]

Well, for some people, I guess it's self injecting with certain drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's true. Yes. Decent point. But I know Mike has been going through it and I'm glad, I'm glad to see it's worked out. Congratulations.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of kids, you want to talk about just general ball busting? And speaking of the big C, my daughter.

[Mark Marin]

Wouldn't that be a little C?

[Allison Rosen]

It's a little C in the English way. She is a. She is a. She's a. I, I, I'm not kidding.

[Mark Marin]

You, because I don't think I can chime in here.

[Brian Bishop]

My dand. If you do, Dan, if you don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, shit. No, my, my, my wife made this Huge mistake of. My wife wanted to name her Tessa.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And.

[Allison Rosen]

And she said, I love that name, Tessa. And I said, I like Natalia because. Because it sounds. I have this beef because I'm Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

And my fucking parents named me Ash.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam and makes everyone think I'm Jewish, But I'm really apparent.

[Mark Marin]

I could tell how that'd be a horrendous burden to carry as a Jew, let me tell you. I. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed now around is.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, especially on the construction site, North Ohio. It does not great. The point is this. No, it's fine. For sure.

[Mark Marin]

You can't take the wheels off a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So they wanted to name her Tessa. My wife wanted to name her Tessa.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want to name her Natalia.

[Brian Bishop]

And.

[Allison Rosen]

And so as soon as my wife, for some reason, decided to share this information with her the other night, she came running right into the bedroom and said, dad, what's up? I wanted to be named Tessa. And I was like, your name Natalia. Like, Princess Natalia. It's a great, beautiful name. She's like, no, I like Tessa better. Mommy wanted to name me Tessa, but you said, no. And now I like. I wish I was named Tessa. I was like, you really. Your name's Natalia? You really wish your name was Tess? Yes, I do. And I was like, she's just busting my chops for no goddamn reason. And then I was like. I said to my wife, what the.

[Mark Marin]

What set me up?

[Allison Rosen]

You had. You know what she does. Do you not? She's evil. March right in and pinned it on me. And then I. I did that thing. I did that thing that. This is the worst part of it. I started, like, going like, tessa is a pretty cool day, you know? And I was like, she sucked me in.

[Mark Marin]

Make it her nickname. Can you just start getting the mix?

[Brian Bishop]

Can you change?

[Allison Rosen]

You guys have a Natalia Natesa. Is there a. Any preference, or does it. Yes. Okay. Yeah, Natalia's better.

You guys are coming home with me. Shut the up.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah. It's bringing back memories for me. I remember the day that my mother told me that I was a mistake.

That's always a great day.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Your name was supposed to be pull out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But we just went with Mark.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, Your name was supposed to.

[Allison Rosen]

Originally was.

Sorry, where were we?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Congratulations, Michael.

[Adam Carolla]

Having fun with this?

[Mark Marin]

Congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Good luck with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Several years ago, University of Washington Wildlife Sciences Professor John Marsliff discovered something interesting about crows. Adam, I know you have a strong feeling about crows.

[Allison Rosen]

Please allow me to Crow about this. It's been ball. Brian, stop me if I'm wrong. Well over a decade that I've been saying these animals are smart.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Feels like it always feels like it.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, well, over.

[Allison Rosen]

They're smart, they're angry, and they're black.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why.

[Allison Rosen]

The black helps. It's a stealth thing. It's also a little attitude thing. Let's face it. I mean, listen, we're doing it for make a badass football uniform form. You don't pick white or pink.

[Adam Carolla]

You pick black.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, anyone intimidates people or sad and they come from the sky and they're angry and they do all kinds of tests with these things where they find out they're like as smart as chimpanzees or dolphins. And I've said for a million years, why not attack crows they recognize? I know you're going to tell the story about wearing masks and all that. Yeah, all right, Tell the story. I was like, I'm curious. You could have your own crow security detail.

[Adam Carolla]

Detail, Right. Meaning.

[Mark Marin]

Don't you evil people in movies usually have crow security details? Aren't they usually flying around evil things?

[Allison Rosen]

They. They have flying evil things, but they're not dedicated crows.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Adam Devine]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

My crows could be on the roof right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

And when I walk out of this club in an hour, like let's say you want last night, you walk out of the club, that who's sitting over there is waiting for you by your car. He's like, hey, Jew boy. You think you're funny because you're from New York and you just be going, five, four pounds. The crows, they just land dude's head. And I don't care. I don't care how deep.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, they start poking his eyes out.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't care how deep into the MMA you are when eight crows hit.

[Adam Carolla]

You in the head.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah. You're.

[Allison Rosen]

You took Randy Couture and sent three crows his head. He'd run like a chick, screaming down, flapping his arms. There's nothing you could do.

[Mark Marin]

You could be a. Oh, that'd be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Add if a guy had a gun or a knife. Just boom.

[Mark Marin]

The crow guy, the crow summoner crows and they.

[Allison Rosen]

You know how they fly as they do crow flies. Yeah. They could make it here to Orange county in 20 minutes. They don't care about traffic.

[Mark Marin]

Who knew that was true?

[Allison Rosen]

Top of your car has a big rainbow tape crow stuck to it so they can identify it in traffic in case there's trouble on the road.

[Mark Marin]

There's no way. Put. People wouldn't think you were evil, though.

[Allison Rosen]

If you had crows. I don't give a bad evil in the line.

[Brian Bishop]

Price to pay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And as Adam often reminds us, let's say you have eight attack crows. You lose one, no big whoop.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Like, ain't no big deal. I buried my crow today, man, so I'm in no mood. What you got? Seven more.

[Mark Marin]

One shy on the crow Puz. Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

You know what they call a group of crows?

[Adam Carolla]

A murder.

[Allison Rosen]

Murder of crows.

[Mark Marin]

Is that true?

[Allison Rosen]

They're literally called a murderer.

[Mark Marin]

What is this story?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, did you want to know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, so this University of Washington wildlife sciences professor and his team wore caveman masks when they captured and tagged crows on the campus. And to this day, if they wear those masks, they are harassed by flocks of crows following their every step. So what.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Here's.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what happened. They went out to go trap some crows to do, like, a little crow work.

[Brian Bishop]

Work.

[Allison Rosen]

No, without the mask at first. And they found that when they went out without the mask, the other crows.

[Adam Carolla]

Recognized them and spread the word to.

[Allison Rosen]

The other crow community so that when they were done doing their. And now they're like, hey, man, I'm just gonna walk back to my car. They would get attacked in the parking lot. So they had to put like, they're robbing a crowbank. They had to dress like the Geico guy. See the caveman.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Mark Marin]

I just think it's. I think it's hilarious that there's a possibility that the world won't end. Like, we think, either by toxins or war. It's just the birds are going to be, like, it. It's time.

[Allison Rosen]

It's on.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, it might, because the US Military heard of this research and contracted Mars Lift because they were considering the possibility of using crows to recognize missing soldiers or even bin Laden back when that was a nation.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but then we're gonna use crows that go after bin Laden.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. They were saying you could replace the caveman mask with Osama masks and then harass or even kill crows with the mask on and then wait for word to spread throughout the entire crow community.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the problem.

[Brian Bishop]

So, like, evil genius, but wouldn't you.

[Mark Marin]

Need, like, a crow whisperer to really make this work?

[Brian Bishop]

We are all a crow whisperer. Evidently.

[Mark Marin]

If you're the right mask, it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Also. It's got to be a little confusing down at Quantico, Virginia, like the CIA. The group of dudes come walking down the hall in the. In the Mask in the bin Laden mask. And other guys going, that's just, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, dude, that's in bad taste.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

Seriously, man. I had a friend die in the first tower, man. That's just with the crow squad.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not funny.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, crow clearance. Gotta get crow clearance.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a rough detail, by the way. Like if you think the guy who handles the police dog with the huge pillow on his arm is a bad gig. No, The Osama mask getting attacked. And by the way, like I said, God forbid, just covered in bird.

[Mark Marin]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Another day, God forbid you forget about it and you're walking out in the car and some rednecks like, what the. Come on, let's get him. And he says, no, I'm a crow guy. I'm the crow guy. But doing racer now that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. If the crows don't get you, the next will. And you probably don't get any chicks because you're covered in bird poop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And you don't seem heroic.

[Mark Marin]

No, you could probably get a chick if you just went, watch this. Stick your finger out in a second. Crow is there, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they get more chicks if it was like, stick your finger up.

[Allison Rosen]

Boom.

[Brian Bishop]

A cockatiel is there.

[Allison Rosen]

Or boom.

[Mark Marin]

You know, a car.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Yeah. I was gonna say macaw, but yeah, we should go for durable goods at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Forget about it.

[Brian Bishop]

A diamond ring.

[Mark Marin]

That joke. Yeah, exactly. That joke took a pause because I didn't know what kind of car would be a good car.

[Allison Rosen]

A Cadillac would be. Guys are trying, well, a Cadillac, that's my first love. And I'm like, does anyone give a.

[Mark Marin]

About a Cadillac?

[Allison Rosen]

The point is, crows crow, they, they, they recognize they're evil.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't forget the world.

[Allison Rosen]

Word spreads in the crow community.

[Mark Marin]

Quiet about this conversation.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, I'm just saying they don't have great hearing. It's just visual.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm saying the crow. Yeah. I'm saying if you ever look at those expensive magazines in the back, they have the twenty thousand dollar German shepherd.

[Adam Carolla]

That, you know, speaks English and German.

[Allison Rosen]

Like protect, protect the family. Like that. That's a rich guy move. Yeah, but that, that German shepherd is great around the house. But the German shepherd can't follow you out to the liquor store at night. You know what I'm saying? And the crows could. I. I mean, I'm saying it's like I have a liquor store that I'll go to at night, buy a bottle of wine, and it's a mile away from my house and I could do the thing where I got in my car and went like, all right, here we go. And when I got out of my car, they'd just be sitting on the parapet of the liquor store waiting for me to walk out and like, hey, Heckle and Jekyll, how you doing? And like I said, if you went out to the parking lot and some dude, like, came up like, hey, I saw you and you weren't funny, you'd.

[Mark Marin]

Be like, yeah, just be like Al Pacino and Enzo the baker in front of the hospital and the Godfather just standing out in front.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Just being threatening.

[Allison Rosen]

And once in a while there'd be a little confusion. Like, some guy would run up some. There'd be like one the.

[Adam Carolla]

Of. Of those.

[Allison Rosen]

One of those. Well, actually, the drunken 40 old chick would be like, I'm Cammy. It's my birthday. Summon the crow.

[Brian Bishop]

What if you got your crows confused with someone else's crows? Like, what if two people of importance are both of the liquor store? And that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's.

[Mark Marin]

Well, then you'd have crow fighting and that would become the new national pastime. Corollas. Crows against rodents.

[Adam Carolla]

Crows. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Right in the octagon, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So Linda Downey, the owner of Taste of Philly Cheesesteak and Hokie shop in Crystal River, Florida, has been told she has to stop flying six flags in front of her place of business because of a local ordinance limiting people to only three flags.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

And are some of them good? I mean, you know what I mean? Like racist or bad or.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, they're all the U.S. uSA flag.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, really. We gotta.

[Allison Rosen]

We got a limit on in Crystal Springs, Florida.

[Brian Bishop]

Crystal River, Florida. Yeah, just three flags.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, the Taste of Philly, I don't feel like that's a great name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't want to taste Philly. I can close my eyes and picture.

[Allison Rosen]

What Philly tastes like, and I don't like it.

What if I handed you like, a lollipop or breath mint? You were like, taste tastes like Philly. It tastes like Philly.

Go ahead.

[Mark Marin]

You want a Detroit?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you see Rocky? Here you go.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, he'd be like a lollipop.

[Allison Rosen]

I got tamale. Tastes like Rocky.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm guessing it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Was the Philly cheesesteak that it tastes like.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess that's what you're going for.

[Adam Carolla]

Like.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's what she. Yes, yes, Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

More than you want to serve Thai.

[Adam Carolla]

Food and call it a Taste Of Philly. Dude, that's not. That's not a good thing.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Philly cheesesteak. Better with provolone or cheese whiz.

[Mark Marin]

This is a debate.

[Allison Rosen]

I like the pro. I like the provolone. Just because the cheese whiz is weird artificial taste.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah.

[Mark Marin]

The cheese whiz is cheese whiz.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. And did the word right away.

[Mark Marin]

I'm already.

[Brian Bishop]

No mystery to the name.

[Allison Rosen]

Did the word whiz. Did the word whiz as it pertain to food.

[Adam Carolla]

Did.

[Allison Rosen]

Did Wiz have a food application before cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Cheese whiz.

[Allison Rosen]

Because there's. I'm gonna take a whiz. This guy's a whiz at math.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Was there a something whiz, you know, like, back, you know, I don't know, a thousand years ago, I have something called the gruel whiz. You know, this is a mutton whiz.

[Mark Marin]

I don't know how that came about.

[Allison Rosen]

Please, sir, more porridge Whiz. I don't think that existed. They put whiz behind it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Look at that.

Sound.

[Mark Marin]

That's whiz.

[Allison Rosen]

That looks nasty.

[Mark Marin]

Seriously, it does look like it's been whizzed up.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's. Here's. Here's what I want to say. Provolone is a cheese. That is.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll.

[Allison Rosen]

It'll stand alone. You don't need to dress it up. You don't. You can roll it up and just.

[Adam Carolla]

Eat a piece of. I like it when the real round.

[Allison Rosen]

I like peeling. I like peeling the one off the other one. Feels like I'm dealing blackjack or something. But I love that. That piece of provolone.

[Brian Bishop]

And you need a cheese shoe.

[Allison Rosen]

You just eat the one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Then I do that tap out there with the fridge. Thank you. Guy tips me one of those little ma bell things. You know, I eat that thing every.

[Mark Marin]

Time I listen to your show. I appreciate life more.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Because, I mean, you could take a piece of cheese and there's. There's a novel in it. It's beautiful. Like, I never even thought twice about, like, a piece of provo. And I. I'm like, holy, Adam is right. Spend some time with that piece of cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a good cheese. Slow down and appreciate the cheese.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I. I love a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

So the.

[Allison Rosen]

The probe alone will work.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really.

[Allison Rosen]

It's called pro alone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Brian Bishop]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a shark called alone.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Stands alone whiz. You can't just shoot cheese. I don't care how high you are if you shoot cheese whiz and your mouth's not going to be a good experience.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what else?

Crusty nub at the top and so you could choke.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's going to be like, mer. MC Cheese busted a nut. You know, like, you're just blowing mar. MC Cheese and.

Oh, Mary, you promise to come.

[Brian Bishop]

That was cheese.

[Mark Marin]

Are you talking about cheese jizz, though?

[Allison Rosen]

Cheese jizz. That was probably one of the original titles that was floated.

[Mark Marin]

Some guys say that's wrong. That's just wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, so I, like, I'll go with the probe alone.

[Adam Carolla]

But they took the cheese.

[Mark Marin]

It's not whiz on there. It's easy cheese. No, is that.

[Brian Bishop]

There's someone in the audience saying, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Not cheese in an angry way.

[Mark Marin]

Like, no, that's not the real thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Does cheese whiz come in a jar?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, but it also comes in an aerosol form. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

She's right.

[Mark Marin]

I think it's actually a goo.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, but can I. Can I make.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I paste.

[Mark Marin]

It's like a pasty goo.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what's the stuff you spray onto a crack?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. But what about the stuff you'd spray onto a cracker?

[Brian Bishop]

Easy Cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought that was cheesy. I can't believe it's Easy Cheese back then.

[Mark Marin]

What's that called?

[Allison Rosen]

That's my rap name. That can't be it. Can I. All right. You know.

[Mark Marin]

You know another sandwich you have in Philly, though? Have you been to Philly recently?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Have you been to Denick's?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Mark Marin]

They make the roast pork with provolone and broccoli rabe.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I just.

[Mark Marin]

Just a shout out for that sandwich. Nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

I. I want to say this a fancy sandwich. There's a guy we work with named Jeff who orders to Philly cheese and.

[Adam Carolla]

Then puts ketchup on it.

[Allison Rosen]

And. And I'm like, what the. And every time he does it, I get angry at it at him. And then he goes, hey, man, I'm from Philly. And then you go, oh, oh, yeah, Sorry, you walked away. And then you get like 10ft away and you go, well, you could be an asshole. Be from Philly. Can you not my.

[Brian Bishop]

From Philly. He's a dick.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, what? Aren't you allowed to be a douchebag? And beaver somehow you get the regional passing. He's putting ketchup all over J. Like, what the. He's like, I'm from Philly.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Thousand apologies. I have license to up right up My.

[Adam Carolla]

My.

[Allison Rosen]

My land sandwich. One great thing that comes from our land and I have the license to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Up with the Heinz.

[Allison Rosen]

You're from Philly too? Oh, yeah. Well, no, my dad's from Philly and then I'm. My IMDb says I'm from Philly. I was born here and then I went back to.

[Adam Carolla]

Back to Philly when I was a kid.

[Brian Bishop]

How did your dad.

[Mark Marin]

Who's in charge of that website?

[Adam Carolla]

IMDb.

[Mark Marin]

It says I appeared on the Patty Duke show when I was 2.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Mark Marin]

How do you change that? I wrote them a letter.

[Allison Rosen]

Who the does that?

[Brian Bishop]

You can change it by just writing in yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

I would take that credit and run with it.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, but. But I don't even know if I would have been born yet. I. Or maybe it's a Wikipedia thing. Every time I tried to change it, they don't believe me and they don't change it. Anyone can put up there. It's ridiculous.

[Allison Rosen]

I. I had that I had Crohn's disease.

[Adam Carolla]

You did on there.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't have Crohn's disease, but somebody told me it was on there.

[Brian Bishop]

I misheard you talking about crows.

[Allison Rosen]

Crohn's disease. I think people just think of sort of marginally unflattering things to say about you and then they put it on there.

[Mark Marin]

Well, the only time that was. I found any joy in that is when some people put it up on my. Some people's posted some stuff on my ex wife's wiki page and it was definitely not flattering. And I. I felt like I had some real fan support there.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And screw her.

[Brian Bishop]

Your ex wife has a Wikipedia page, huh? Is she famous?

[Mark Marin]

She wrote a book. Yeah, she's pretty good. I mean, she's famous. I don't want to get into it.

[Brian Bishop]

I had a Wikipedia page and it got taken down because I wasn't notable enough. But I'm not bitter.

[Allison Rosen]

Called 7 Habits of Highly Successful people who aren't stupid enough to marry Mark Merritt. It was a long title.

[Mark Marin]

That picture though.

[Allison Rosen]

That.

[Blake Anderson]

There it is.

[Mark Marin]

Patty Duke Show, 1965. I was three.

[Allison Rosen]

You were two. Maybe you don't remember.

[Mark Marin]

I was Walter.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you're Walter. I remember that. Stellar performance.

[Brian Bishop]

You are great.

[Allison Rosen]

It was Emmy worthy.

[Mark Marin]

I was the old man at the pet store or something.

[Allison Rosen]

The town is still buzzing. Why are to you trying.

[Mark Marin]

What the Patty pits wits and two Brits hits. That's the episode I was.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a classic episode.

[Mark Marin]

It is a classic episode.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want to watch it and find out?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

You were to find out if I was in it.

[Mark Marin]

That'd be tragic. Why did my parents tell me?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel I am Walter.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it might. I don't know. Look, maybe it'll catch you on. Look, you won't be trying to get it off there when you hammer that residual check that shows up in a few weeks.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, sure. I remember the director, Bill Collar, and he was great to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, who did you like better? Patty or her cousin, whose name I heard.

[Mark Marin]

Well, they were both so nice to me when I was Walter.

[Allison Rosen]

Cousin.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait. Oh, they.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, there's a picture of me. Is that you? Wait, no, look. Well, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's you.

[Allison Rosen]

That's you from earlier.

[Mark Marin]

Walter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, my God. I didn't realize it was this deep.

[Allison Rosen]

Definitely a crazy there.

[Brian Bishop]

Walter is such a Patty Duke show kind of name.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I want to say this, too, like, for anyone who's trying to. With somebody, you know, you don't go obvious. You know? I mean, you do something weird and obscure and just say, stay out of the. Stay out of.

[Mark Marin]

So it can't be dislodged ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You don't. You don't pick Mark Marin.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't pick Tom Cruise. No offense.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But yeah. Pick the Patty Duke show. Don't pick laughing or something that's a little more visible, and then it's so specific and so bizarre that no one would ever argue with.

[Mark Marin]

I have no recourse. There's nobody making contact.

[Allison Rosen]

Pick Crohn's disease.

[Mark Marin]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

That's perfect.

With me.

[Brian Bishop]

Just erase my Wikipedia page.

[Allison Rosen]

You erase it?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I didn't erase it. It got erased.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? What happened?

[Brian Bishop]

They said I wasn't notable enough.

[Mark Marin]

No, they did not.

[Brian Bishop]

I swear to you. This was before I was on. On this show, but I have some notable.

[Allison Rosen]

How does that work?

[Brian Bishop]

Some person who's in some dungeon somewhere nominates you for being not notable enough? Like, they periodically.

[Allison Rosen]

The week you had one for how long?

[Brian Bishop]

It's probably up there for like a year. And I didn't even make it. Someone else made it because, you know, I was. I was appearing on TV and writing stuff like that, and then I think they just periodically sort of go around and find a page or maybe someone who had it in for me, you know, tipped them off and then they, like, voted.

[Allison Rosen]

They gotta thin the herd, huh?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And what do they.

[Brian Bishop]

They deleted me. I had no reflection.

[Allison Rosen]

So how do you think this process works? Like, there's a group of nine people, and everyone goes, anyone know Allison Rosen is the wiki Council, not me. All right, pull her off.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like that scene in Animal House where, like, your face comes up. They start throwing beer at it, like. Oh, like flounders.

[Brian Bishop]

Meanwhile, I'm, like, sitting in my apartment.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm like, so. So now does a guy show up to the door?

[Adam Carolla]

Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you know, like, when the Marine has to tell the. The wife.

[Mark Marin]

This page has been deleted.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

There's a Schwarzenegger movie about this. Wasn't it the eraser?

[Mark Marin]

You just have to get a fan to start one. Look, just get a fan to start the Allison Rosen article. You using the article wizards?

[Blake Anderson]

Oh, I'm lost.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like the cheese wizards. I don't want to go back. Yeah, I like the provolone family when.

[Adam Carolla]

It starts the articles. You know what?

[Brian Bishop]

I live an existence free of having to find out that I have Crohn's disease or that I was in the Patty Duke show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're lucky.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm truly liberated.

[Allison Rosen]

You're lucky.

[Brian Bishop]

Anonymity.

[Mark Marin]

I'm gonna make you a wiki page, and you'll. I'm gonna make you on the Patty Duke show.

[Blake Anderson]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, thank you.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, that's what I'll do for you.

[Brian Bishop]

What will my name be? What's the, like, equivalent of Walter name for a girl? Thank you.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

That's my favorite show.

[Mark Marin]

All right, we can do that.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you say Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

No. All right, shut up.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. How do you notify. Do they notify you that via the what computer?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, my fans, who apparently don't mind following someone who's not notable, alerted me. Hey, did you know your page was taken down?

[Adam Carolla]

I see.

[Brian Bishop]

And I still.

[Allison Rosen]

That it's like, they clean house every.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, once a year.

[Brian Bishop]

And then I think the guy who had made the page tried to fight for the page. And then I saw this whole log of, like, nerds going back and forth about, like, well, maybe one day she will be notable enough, but for now. And then they're like, but look at all these people. They all have pages, and they're notable, and they're like, yeah, yeah, that's what it said.

[Allison Rosen]

But they're good. They get to be that. That great ARC argument where you go, what about John Buchanan? He has a wiki page. And then someone goes, who's John Buchanan? And you get to go, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Allison Rosen]

It's always good to do that argument.

[Mark Marin]

Well, it's always. It's very nice to know that there's enough people out there with absolutely nothing to do but argue for your honor on the.

[Allison Rosen]

On the wiki.

[Brian Bishop]

You're right. Thank you. And I wish it was, like, city council, where I could show up and make it. You can play for my.

[Mark Marin]

You can make it happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

To change my name.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what you should do? You should get.

[Brian Bishop]

They're on my ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Get some Mexicans to, like, chain themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Together and block traffic down in front.

[Allison Rosen]

Of the federal building on Westwood.

[Adam Carolla]

Over there on Wilshire. You know, just change something that's really. Starts to change.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, light yourself on fire.

[Mark Marin]

That means that'll be. No, that's. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That. Start a coup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

For all the people have been pulled off. Not for you, but for all the people that were pulled off Wikipedia. Did you feel like.

[Mark Marin]

I realized recently that if you. You don't really even have to kill yourself if you're that depressed anymore, you just delete your Facebook page and maybe your Twitter profile and you're done. For most practical purposes, I know other.

[Brian Bishop]

People will think that you're dead.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Did you have that feeling when you heard that your wiki page was gone? Like, oh, my God, I've been.

[Brian Bishop]

I had a strange amount of mental health about the whole thing, I think, where I felt like, oh, God, I've got to do something about. Initially, I didn't have any mental health about it. God, I have to do something about this. Like, I have to control it. I have to save this page. And then I realized this is actually out of my control. Regardless of whether this page exists or not, I still exist. I still have a reflection in the mirror. I know I stood there for, like, 10 hours making sure. And so I'm just not going to let it get to me.

[Mark Marin]

So this is a healthy step for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. I'd like to thank those people who erased my page.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That is just.

[Brian Bishop]

I am gonna light myself on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the promise is everyone uses these things. You know, all.

[Adam Carolla]

Every radio show you ever do an interview with, when you go into Philly and do some comedy or.

[Mark Marin]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Or whatever. First thing they do, and then they go right down. Hey, Patty Duke.

[Mark Marin]

You're like. I was 2, and she was weird.

[Brian Bishop]

Weird.

[Mark Marin]

I think she touched me in a weird way. I was Walter, and she kept calling me Walter, and all I could do was cry. I was cut out of the original. It was awful. Next question.

[Allison Rosen]

That show was about a cousin. One of them was. They're identical.

[Brian Bishop]

Identical cousins. They walk alike. They talk alike.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Was one of them evil, though, or something?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

One of them is studious and the other one's kind of a swinger, right? Except for there's never a scene where she's getting teamed by four guys from the lacrosse team. You know, it's always swingers. A kind of a TV version. She's not a perfume.

[Brian Bishop]

Gidget Style Swinger.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's Gidget Style Swinger. But I just blew nine guys and.

[Mark Marin]

An infant named Walter.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Not unlike. And I'm sure, Adam, this will resonate with you, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield of Sweet Valley High.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you even know what I'm talking about?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, that's the prompt. See, that's why I'm glad I have.

[Adam Carolla]

A boy and a girl.

[Allison Rosen]

Because if I'd had two girls, one of them would, you know, she'd ace every calculus test. And the other just be a.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I'd have to figure out which one is getting the glasses early, somewhere around their 12th birthday.

[Mark Marin]

Which one you got to give up on, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Or which one I got to give up on? Look, here's, here's.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Here's a.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's. Let me give you Dr. Drew's card. Give it right out to Pasadena.

[Mark Marin]

He's an old friend of mine. He's an old friend of mine.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna chain you to his radiator in the basement of his pad over there. He'll take care of you.

[Mark Marin]

He's got an opening on his TV show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So a five year old Connecticut girl was hospitalized after she accidentally ingested pcp. See, what happened was her mom whipped up a big batch of PCP in a pot.

[Mark Marin]

You can't leave that in there. You can't leave that around the kitchen.

[Brian Bishop]

No. And then she insufficiently cleaned out the pot. And then the mom's sister made some noodles for the five year old in the pot. And lo and behold, she began. Well, she became hyperactive and distracted and began pointing to. Pointing to her face, saying she had.

[Allison Rosen]

As opposed to every other five year old.

[Brian Bishop]

She had four noses.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. But hyperactive and distracted is what every five year old is. None of her quiet, demure and super focused.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what is your.

[Mark Marin]

What does your brain have to draw from it for hallucinations when you're five? Yeah, it's got to be pretty limited. Five noses. The dog.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the scope of it is like food.

[Mark Marin]

SpaghettiOs door.

[Allison Rosen]

The explorer. That's just about as far as you.

[Adam Carolla]

Can get with it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I think a five row would be like. And then I realized we're all just one energy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, like resonating and vibrating.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like they.

[Mark Marin]

Well, they do know that sound.

[Allison Rosen]

Like they took in an Oliver Stone movie marathon or something over the weekend and have lots of shit to draw from. They really don't.

[Mark Marin]

You're right. Evil spongebob shit, that's true. Spongebob was cleaning me hard.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Plus, isn't everything a five year old says like a hallucination? Anyway, like, I wrote a unicorn school today.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that great, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What Is that is true? Yeah, no, I, I, I. You know, my daughter recently took her look pink motorized battery operated Jeep and.

[Adam Carolla]

Ran over rattlesnake, as I mentioned on the podcast.

[Allison Rosen]

And, and then sat on top of the rattlesnake while the thing was sort of between the two axles. And then literally on the street and my wife, like, screamed like, go. And she, like, took off and ran over the rattlesnake. And then the rattlesnake scurried into the bushes. And the following day, she was going to go to the school and she was like, I'm gonna tell all my teachers about what went on with this rattlesnake. And I knew I was gonna. And then I was driving my Jeep and then there was a big rattlesnake and I parked on top of the rattlesnake. And then I feel they're all going, okay, that's awesome. I eat a little more pace, sweetie. All right, all right, all right, Tessa, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy yourself. Have your lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

That's sweet. That's sweet.

[Mark Marin]

And then Child's Protective Services show up at your house.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's the bad? I realize no one's gonna believe her with this, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I find it hard to believe that she has her own little car, that we didn't have motorized cars when I was a kid or I didn't have one.

[Allison Rosen]

They're spoiled. That's why when you.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't feel good about giving tips to folks who are going to molest kids. But if you do, do it like a wizard outfit. Because then this wizard came down and he started touching me. Okay, yeah, I'm sure he did.

All right. You know what I mean? Instead of Uncle Lou came over in a flannel shirt, you know what I mean? Dressed in a wizard outfit, come down on, you know, on, on some fishing line and, you know, the kids out. The rest of the story's out there. They've tuned out. And a wizard came down. Puff of smoke came down in my bedroom. Okay. Jerry did.

[Brian Bishop]

She's a princess.

[Adam Devine]

First.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

But don't do.

[Mark Marin]

Don't do Santa because that's not believable.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, yeah, Santa. Could have happen. Wizard.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Good lesson for all the child molesters out there. Ace man, Good job.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I just like, you know, I got.

[Giovanni]

Sir?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Mark Marin]

Hey, yeah, obviously not a priest outfit either.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's that. That the whole point.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If someone says this guy said it was a long haul trucker, I'm listening.

Said he was a wizard, it's like, all right, forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

Move it on. Yeah, Play with that snake and you're.

[Brian Bishop]

A bunch of pharmaceuticals were found at the bin Laden compound. And among them was Avena syrup, which has two uses. It's used as an artificial sweetener or as natural Viagra.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait a minute, natural?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah. What's it called again?

[Brian Bishop]

Avena. Avena syrup. It was good enough for bin Laden or people who were there.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it that. Can you get it at Trader Joe's or no.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh no, you're thinking of agave or stevia.

[Mark Marin]

They got stevia too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, or.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a natural for people who have.

[Brian Bishop]

A sour stomach, according to this article.

[Mark Marin]

So I guess probably the least of bin Laden's problems was his sour stomach.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? But I can't imagine a world where you can't handle Splenda. I don't want to live in that world.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't either. So what was. So did he have things sewed, sewn into his clothes?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, he had phone numbers sewn into his clothes. And $750 doesn't seem like a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Of what I call wham. Walking around cash like that was his escape. How's that argument. How's that argument gonna go? Like he runs into some trouble. The guy's like, hey man, there's a 25 million dollar bounty. Hold up, let me get my scissors.

I got 600. He starts low. I got 600 worth of 20s and this whole thing could go away. Like, I got 25 million. That's a check that could take three weeks to process. This is cash in hand. 600 large. What do you say, buddy? This is. I know how it is with those things. You. You turn me in, the next thing you know you're walking with 10 million after taxes. This is 600.

[Mark Marin]

It'S a year. He's phone number.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you want?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't feel like. That's a lot of fucking walking money there.

[Brian Bishop]

We're going to have to arrest you. But you get one phone number. I mean, you get one phone Call Right.

[Mark Marin]

Where'd you stand on the picture? Did you want to see the picture?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I, I didn't any. Here's the thing. Everything to me falls into one or two categories. You know, visually, is this going to advance the masturbation process or everything? I don't care what it is. I don't care if it's bad. I don't care, care if it's fairy over and quality. Is this going to help or hurt? Three minutes is the mark. We're going to add 10 seconds. We're going to root, we're going to.

[Mark Marin]

Come down on the half ahead Bin.

[Allison Rosen]

Laden, that's the point. You just added 45 seconds to the next spirited round.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Not a minute. But that's so that's okay. You could all be pretty easy.

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty easy if you were really, really patriotic. Don't you think it might advance it?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I guess, I guess there's a certain amount of Republicans, Republicans had like a Rush Limbaugh and I could find.

[Adam Carolla]

My, I'd be like, yeah, this is definitely going to help things out.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, I can't believe we're jerking off now to a, a picture of Ben.

[Adam Carolla]

Laden with half a head.

[Brian Bishop]

I, I, people have been doing it for a while.

[Allison Rosen]

I, I feel like, you know, if you could do the two gals in the cup there, you know what I mean? I feel like people have a lot of montage. Yeah, they got a lot of range.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, yeah. But I was, I, I, I, I was surprised. I, I kind of wanted to see the picture. I, I wanted to, to see it. I've spent 10 years looking at that guy's mug in every form.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you see it?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you, did you find it?

[Blake Anderson]

Sure.

[Mark Marin]

I, yeah, I called up the president and I said, look, it's, no, but.

[Allison Rosen]

I, I, it's Marin.

[Mark Marin]

I'm not going to show anybody. Come on, dude, just email it to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't everything get out there eventually?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, I, I think they'll probably leak it, but I, I kind, I kind of want to.

[Allison Rosen]

Whole thing on like 2020 or whatever the other night they did the whole computer simulated whatever and at the end when they broke into his bedroom, they did this thing where it's like, well, he didn't have a gun, but he gave a look like he thought he might be going for a gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Believe me, if he was black, we'd be riding right now. Believe me, that's like, what do you mean he didn't have a gun, but he got a sort of Move. Like he might think about getting a gun at some point in the afternoon. Like, what? All right, but shoot him. I don't give a shit. But they didn't bring a tape measure.

[Adam Carolla]

And the SEAL team didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

And the guy, Bin Laden spread out on his back in a pool of blood, the blood just pouring out of his head. And at some point, they had to get one of the guys from the SEAL team to lie down next to him on his back so they could get like, all right, he's 6 4. You know, you're 6 2. Get your heels kind of lined up.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and I think that would have been a great conversation because that were my buddies on the Steele team. Hey, Mark, lie down. You. You lie down. I'm not gonna lie down.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, I'd like to see that picture.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're six two, so. So what? You're five, ten. We can do the math. You know, they're gonna add six inches to your head right now.

[Mark Marin]

Look, I made a blood snowman. Snow angel.

[Allison Rosen]

I got a lot of. The floor's filthy. He's been. Probably been beating off up here to no end.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, come on, a mess.

[Brian Bishop]

Five, ten. You look more like five, nine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Then that argument breaks down. Check my driver's license. Yeah, in your combat boots and in your dreams. All right, you lie down. Listen, I got a gun. Listen, I just shot bin Laden. You want to get shot? Lie down, because you're going down one way or the other. And then there had to be a weird conversation like, no, no, don't cheat. Come on, get your heels. Come on, get your heels.

[Adam Carolla]

The same.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, like when kids do.

[Brian Bishop]

My hair is hotter on the. On this side.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? Put your hair down, kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, let's see. By the way, I think I. They couldn't tell it was bin Laden. I feel like I don't.

[Mark Marin]

Wasn't he, like nine feet tall?

[Allison Rosen]

And, yeah, it turns, you know, you're in a nation of. Of short folk. When he was 6 4, and they kept making this big deal about being a giant as land and the tallest in the land and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, six fours, you know, it's tall, but not around here it ain't. I mean, it's taller than average, but you're not freakishly tall at 64, you know.

[Mark Marin]

Look at you. Look at that picture. Don't you just want to see, like, half the head?

[Brian Bishop]

But you pointed out that he. His face was as skinny as an angelfish's.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And so therefore, that might add sleek.

[Allison Rosen]

I point out that as far as shooting guys in the head, you want to, you want a John Goodman esque target, not a guy shaped like an angel fish. That's a tough kill shot there, angel fish.

[Mark Marin]

That's quite a, like trying to shoot.

[Allison Rosen]

A playing card edge, you know, when it's a wedge head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not good. You want to, yeah, you want.

[Brian Bishop]

Turn to the side.

[Allison Rosen]

You went like Tony Saragusa, enemy number one.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Like that guy's head. You couldn't miss from outer space. But all right.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, didn't they have that chalk, though, or whatever is used to draw outlines in every movie involving a crime time?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did they bring that?

[Brian Bishop]

They should have brought, I don't think.

[Allison Rosen]

They bring that chalk.

[Mark Marin]

One of those guys, like, we forgot the chalk.

How are we gonna make the outline?

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, the first helicopter got up, but they did, they did, they did something which I, I, it's so funny because as a taxpayer, it's like, these guys are heroes. And then at some point they were like, when the first helicopter was damaged, they blew it up. And I'm like, oh, there goes $45 million in the garbage. That's nice. And then I thought, is there a mission we can do that involves helicopters that doesn't involve one of them up at some point? And they're always like, they, they're fine until we need them. And then something goes wrong. I guess they landed it and one.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the rotors hit the compound wall.

[Brian Bishop]

And they seem so, just calm and accepting about it. Sort of like when technology fails.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Like at a TV station or something, people are like, oh, yeah, it's just our printer's not working, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So I, I don't know what went.

[Adam Carolla]

On, but evidently it was a, it was a big success. The human shield thing didn't work out as well as I'm sure she'd would have wanted. And now he's in Davy Jones Locker and, and good. Right. But do we need, do we.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys want to see the pictures? You do.

[Mark Marin]

But that was the worst response to either question.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you.

[Allison Rosen]

Because you don't believe it or you do believe it. We all believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Of course. Right.

[Mark Marin]

That's the only way we're going to see the pictures. If Donald Trump starts saying Ben Lauder wasn't really killed in about six months, Obama will be like, all right, fuck you, Donald. Here's the picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, I wonder if it turns into One of these, you know, Biggie Smalls things, Tupac things, where now the tapes really start pouring in now that he's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything with Best of, and it's a.

[Allison Rosen]

Mashup with little Kim, and. You know what I mean?

[Mark Marin]

It's going to happen.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's probably already just like Gossip Girl. It'll be like, who is Osama? The fake Osama?

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, I'm not going to fall for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Gay trap plus one.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I saw you flinch. You flinched.

[Brian Bishop]

You flinched. You flinched.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a carbon copy of Gossip Girl. Season two.

[Brian Bishop]

No, season one. Okay, so. So career cast has come out with a list of the least stressful jobs. Now, remember, we did the most stressful jobs, and commercial pilot was the most. Here are the least stressful jobs, starting with the bottom. Chiropractor, then occupational therapist, then mathematician, then philosopher.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second.

[Allison Rosen]

I know chiropractor's a good gig because no one really expects results. It's like, if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it's. He doesn't blame you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never.

[Allison Rosen]

When you go to a doctor. People think, like, you own a body shop and you don't fix the fender. You know, people bring their up car in, and you got to make it look like new. But the chiropractor thing is, as long as they hear something crack and as long as you do that. Oh, yeah, you're out of line. You're out. Oh, your hips are all out of line.

[Brian Bishop]

This is your back.

[Mark Marin]

That doesn't look stressful at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Marin]

Someone's having a good time there. No, we all also. You get to hurt people and say, better.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Also, that's a great reward, that move where they do the breathe in and then they now let it out. And then you go. I know when you say let it out, and you're going to attempt to crush my rib cage. Relax. Relax while I attempt to crush you. Relax. Let's breathe in. And you know, like, it's coming, right?

[Mark Marin]

Then they're like. They say, I realigned you. And then you walk out and they go, sucker.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. I really don't. The whole chiropractor thing is fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Although if I was a doctor, I'd make fun of him like Dr. Drew always did.

[Allison Rosen]

But the whole thing is, I really believe a trip to the spa for a nice massage, a schmitz, a little sauna, and maybe a full release is.

[Brian Bishop]

You really don't know Gossip Girl better.

[Allison Rosen]

Than any trip to the chiropractor could ever be in terms of just general, like, I feel better leaving this spot.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, well, you can do the full release at home, so.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's true.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But why not just do it at the portfolio? That's all I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

It smells like eucalyptus there. Adam likes that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

So philosopher is actually one of the least stressful jobs.

[Brian Bishop]

Least stressful. And then.

[Mark Marin]

I didn't even know that was a job.

[Brian Bishop]

No, nor did I.

[Mark Marin]

Apparently. I have a job.

[Brian Bishop]

And then speech pathologist, then dental hygienist.

[Allison Rosen]

Dental hygienist.

[Brian Bishop]

Does that seem stressful to.

[Allison Rosen]

It seems horrific to me.

[Mark Marin]

Like, but there's a connection between the chiropractor and dental hygienist. You get to hurt people, so that probably relieves the stress in some way to cause someone else pain and say that it's good for them.

[Allison Rosen]

I get my pound of flesh out.

[Adam Carolla]

Of those bitches every time because they always.

[Allison Rosen]

They always do that thing where they're like, what flavor do you want? You know, when they get that pumice out that sand, you know, and they're like, we have pina colada. We have wild berry. We have mountain spring. We have bubble gum. It's like first up, said it once.

[Adam Carolla]

Say it again.

[Allison Rosen]

The bubble gum. It's like when you get that card in the mail, Mr. Tooth is very angry at you and Mrs. Toothbrush, she's apoplectic. And it's like, is everything involving dentistry have to be geared to 4 year olds? Like a fucking 46. Just tell me it's time to come in and get a cleaning. You know, like, Mr. Moeller's very upset. It's like, you should be.

[Brian Bishop]

The cards I get from my gynecologist.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna say, like, yeah, oh, you want to talk about this? The frown turned upside down. Or wait a minute. Yeah, no, I'm saying, like, miss a few payments on your mortgage. Not like, Mr. House is very upset at you. Everyone just goes, hey, pay your bills or come on in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Everything is.

And here's the deal. Why is it all geared toward 4 year olds? It's not like my kid is reading the mail like, bill, bill, pay that. We need this. Another subscription Now. I'm not giving to my alumni association. Like, there's nothing. I'm the one who's looking at it. Why is everything so. The bubble gum flavor.

[Mark Marin]

I just went. I just went to the dentist and I had an Armenian dental hygienist who, after I told you her, I Was a comedian, decided it was okay to tell me Jewish jokes.

[Allison Rosen]

And part of her. One of her beard hairs fell in the mouth, so that had to be right.

[Mark Marin]

Well, that sort of undercut the anti Semitism a little bit was that she had a mustache. So I.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you get the bubble gum?

[Mark Marin]

No, I don't know what flavor it was. It's unidentifiable. And it was sort of like a ghetto dentist. It was a little weird. There was a lot of rooms.

[Allison Rosen]

And my whole thing is, is how about the paste that you're going to rub on my teeth for the next. Next 25 minutes? Tastes like something called toothpaste.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's what I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, they go, oh, pina. Colette. You don't like pina colada? I like a pina colada when I'm on a beach in Mexico and there's actually rum involved. Not that it's been dumped into sand and some is rubbing it on my teeth. No, I don't.

[Mark Marin]

Have you been sandblasted? They actually have a sandblast.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Mark Marin]

There's a high tech thing where they literally sandblast your teeth.

[Allison Rosen]

This tastes like liver and onions. Jewish. You like that? There's a cheesesteak. You want provolone? This is Babel.

[Brian Bishop]

Babel and lox. Taste. Yeah. There should be a cheesecake flavored one.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's what I always say. It's like. You don't like pina colada? Yes, I like pina colada. I like a nice brisket as well, But I don't want to made into sand and put on my teeth just to.

[Mark Marin]

How is that?

[Allison Rosen]

It's a spearmint flavor.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, people like you are making their job more stressful. Awesome. Computer programmer.

[Allison Rosen]

That's so unstressful.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, I don't. I don't understand it quite either.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I mean, really, if you're a.

[Brian Bishop]

Dental hygienist, what kind of stress are you dealing with?

[Mark Marin]

You're dealing with, like, looking at the terrified people.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

I mean, I was in there. Every time I sit there, I'm like, I'm literally terrified because you know it's gonna hurt. You know that you're gonna spit out.

[Allison Rosen]

A mouthful of blood.

[Mark Marin]

They're gonna be like.

Vacuum thing that's.

[Brian Bishop]

Sticking there, that goes. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then just traps your tongue.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's like when you're back.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, does that hurt?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And I do the thing where I'm like. I'm always like, oh, I don't even.

[Mark Marin]

Know what it is somebody's got a crank problem.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always like, this don't show any ugly teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always like, give me the gas.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me the gas. You know, give me. Give me the laughing gas.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never gotten that. Oh, they never.

[Mark Marin]

They never give me the option.

[Allison Rosen]

No, because they always do the thing where they go, you the thing. Every time they try to shame you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I go, give me the laughing gas.

[Allison Rosen]

And they go, you don't need the laughing gas. And I go, look, we. First off, Tom Hanks on that fucking island. Use an ice skate. Like, I understand, but you have nitrous and I'm here. How about you pump it into my system, you know? And they're like, this isn't bad. I'm like, I want it to be nothing. You understand? And then they're like. And the one guy said, we have. I had an 8 year old who came in here, got this same. He didn't use. It's like, it's not a gang initiation, dude. You're not shaming. You have a tank filled with. That's gonna make me forget. Crank the up. Who cares? Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Marin]

Did you ever have the dentist that gave you the nitrous and let you choose what music you wanted?

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Mark Marin]

That's the best. I had put on some Floyd.

[Allison Rosen]

I had the. I had the craziest experience in the world, which is. Told it before, but I'll tell it again. It was like August in Burbank. 111 degrees outside. And I came in and I said, you know what? Give me the gas. And the guy's like, all right, we'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Hook you up with the gas.

[Allison Rosen]

And that gas is great.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like you just sort of start floating in between reality and everything around.

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone's never had it at the dentist, but he's definitely had it at the 7:11. Definitely been to the dairy section.

[Mark Marin]

And when I was in college, dude, my room. Roommates got a tank. Yeah, we used to have these parties where everyone just filled garbage bags up with nitrous and sit down and you take two hits and then fall into the bag.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Mark Marin]

And you definitely understood everything for about three seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, that's part of the. Cause of the heckling last night when the guy's like, you're not funny. And Mark's like.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

So, yeah, you get the.

I said, you know what CD would I want to choose?

[Adam Carolla]

I had headphones and a cd, and.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, pick a cd. And I was like, I don't know what I'd want to hear, you know, music to drill by, you know, And. And I was kind of knew I was going to be kind of out of it. I didn't want to get caught. I didn't want to get caught up and stuff. So I picked the Manhattan Transfer. Remember that jazz vocal? Because I just thought. But, you know, just melodic jazz, you know, and nice melodies and everything. And just something smooth that's gonna just run over me while I'm drifting off. Well, what do you want? You want the Beastie Boys or two Live Crew, like, yelling at you while you're getting high and you're thinking about smacking tapping ass and like that? While you're getting a boner. Yeah. And you start going for your own dick because you don't know where you are.

[Mark Marin]

Transfer.

[Allison Rosen]

I just wanted something.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Just.

[Allison Rosen]

I wanted the. The Malachi equivalent to the laughing gas. I wanted the sonic equivalent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So I. I go, yes. Get the man. Take the Manhattan Transfer. The pat. Put that in. So I put the Manhattan Transfer in. It's Christmas with the Manhattan Transfer.

[Mark Marin]

Well, see what you did to yourself?

[Allison Rosen]

So it's August in.

[Adam Carolla]

In.

[Allison Rosen]

In Burbanks. 111 degrees outside. It's like chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm like.

[Allison Rosen]

Jack Frosty Banaras.

Drill. And it's like. And it's like on the third day of Christmas.

That became surreal and distracting at that point.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

You know what they need?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There they are.

There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what it was. The Christmas nitrous.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Sommelier comes around. Sir, we have a wonderful selection of CDs for you.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

This would pair nicely with your high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's Dark side of the Moon. This should give.

[Adam Carolla]

This should be nice. Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

I don't know why you would do anything other than Floyd for nitrous.

[Blake Anderson]

Well.

[Allison Rosen]

And my dentist in Burbank didn't have the entire body just put on Animals again. He didn't have the entire body. It probably had three or four of us. We really had the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Dark side of the Moon. That's all I.

[Brian Bishop]

What would be the right drug for Manhattan transfers? Christmas.

[Mark Marin]

A bullet in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's. That's hot buttered rum. That's just Ty music. That's all. That's transfer.

[Mark Marin]

Why are you even talking about him?

[Allison Rosen]

I wanted something smooth and unobtrusive to just melt away with. I don't know why I have so.

[Mark Marin]

Much hate towards him. I had no idea. I learned something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't know you hated that?

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, no, but right when he said Manhattan terrorist, I was like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you hate all Christmas music or is it specifically.

[Mark Marin]

Don't try and make this a racial thing. I, Yes, I hate all Christmas music. And no, I just. The Manhattan Transfer to me is just so ridiculous and horrible and just horrendous and I can't think of another adjective.

But then they have a couple of big hits like the Java Jive or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they had, they had hits.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah. I mean, I don't have any. Look, if you're in a acapella group.

[Allison Rosen]

Evidently about 80 of the room want to deeply into the Manhattan Transfer and.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Ve offended my eyes.

[Mark Marin]

I'm impressed with the, with the acapella thing. And I, I, I, I appreciate it, but not for nitrous.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know that it was a Christmas thing and I wanted not to be distracted.

[Adam Carolla]

That's, that's the whole point.

[Allison Rosen]

But imagine hearing like brass monkey when you're really up and someone's drilling your teeth.

[Mark Marin]

You know, that weird squeaky sound just be drifting off.

[Brian Bishop]

Off.

[Mark Marin]

I mean, the fact that you were even awake at all was.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the point. I want, I wanted something. I could rift.

[Mark Marin]

Why were you still awake? You didn't give you enough?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no. Well, here's the thing. Because I'm smart, I'm a mouth breather. I don't know if you guys. I have a deviated septum. And so they give you the nitrous.

[Adam Carolla]

In the, in the nose.

[Allison Rosen]

And my nose doesn't work, so I can't get the full buzz going that I should be. It's almost like crank it up. And, and then because, because of my, you know, my disorder, I, I got distracted by all the Christmas songs.

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Allison Rosen]

And I couldn't tell him to change.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing once I had the head.

[Mark Marin]

You were just up enough not to be able to talk.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then it was weird when I popped up and I was like, I gotta buy my nephew some gifts.

Somebody's got to put gurney on that tree. I gotta start stringing popcorn. I'm out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm up.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. To drive. Pick up some tinsel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Last story.

[Adam Carolla]

We're running, running late.

[Brian Bishop]

We got.

[Mark Marin]

That's all right.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. Yeah. Well, there a few more unstressful jobs. Which are software engineer, dietitian and audiologist.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Brian Bishop]

Audiologist.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they do?

[Brian Bishop]

They check your hearing. What?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, Audi.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, yeah, like audio.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's got to be a pretty good gig because you just do that next.

[Adam Carolla]

To someone's ear, right?

[Brian Bishop]

And then sometimes you got to change the tuning fork. Bing. Yep. I hear the snapping.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. You good? What about this ear?

[Brian Bishop]

Yep, I hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you just put that scope in there and then you just make one of those non committal things like. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, There you go.

[Mark Marin]

Looks good. Looks good.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's about it. By the way. No one's going to ever argue you with you. Like, like, you go, you have a partially. You have a partially torn diaphragm. And I was gonna go, that's because I've studied my inner ear at length and I know it's in perfect conditions. Matter of fact, I've read up on it like that. No one knows. You never. You don't get a look at anything over there.

[Mark Marin]

You ever dig a Q tip in there to touch your eardrum? That's awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. The thing that's crazy about the Q tip is it's like, do not insert in your ear. What the else am I supposed to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do with this thing?

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be like, be like a condom going, do not roll over your. Like, what? What else?

[Mark Marin]

But when you're just sitting there pushing it, you know, you're like getting close. It's so great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

And then you just go right on the edge. Or you're like, I'm really doing it. I'm gonna hurt myself. And then you don't.

[Brian Bishop]

And then do you expect it when you pull it out?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. See what color?

[Adam Carolla]

Smell it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, come on.

[Mark Marin]

I am surprised. Sometimes when I take it out, you're like, holy, I can make a model plane with this.

[Brian Bishop]

Or conversely, you're like, there's nothing.

[Mark Marin]

Yeah, no, I like, yeah, Self cleaning perfectly efficiently.

[Allison Rosen]

I have during my autopsy, they will find that my right ear is immaculate. My left ear is covered with shit. Because when I drive, my wife sits in the passenger seat and goes, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. So she only gets the right ear from. We're have to move to England for six months. So I get left here, like cleaned up.

[Mark Marin]

That is so. It's a gift to have a woman who does that.

[Adam Carolla]

My.

[Mark Marin]

My girlfriend does it. Ears, nose, everything. Trim my nails yesterday.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the. They do the. They do the candling, I think I've never done that.

[Mark Marin]

Why do you do that? Stick the cone in your ear.

[Allison Rosen]

It's supposed to work for what Jimmy Kim will talk me into it doesn't. You lie on your side. It's the world. It's the worst joke. I'm sure many people die every year doing this. I lie down on that carpet, take this paper plate, Let me put this flammable thing through it, have a couple glasses of wine, and I'll just light everything on fire.

[Brian Bishop]

What does it do?

[Mark Marin]

But what is it supposed to do? Aerates.

[Allison Rosen]

It's supposed to create heat and, like, a heat vortex that goes into your ear and then softens the wax and, like, liquefies the wax and then lifts the wax up through the. Through the whatever. But it doesn't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Sarah Silverman had a obsession with it once and actually had, like, some equipment that you could only buy if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Have, like, a certification or whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Clean my ear stuff for your ear.

[Allison Rosen]

And she did that thing where she had that. Whoa, there's a piece I can't get to. And that hurt real bad. She was mashing stuff in there. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not unlike netty potting, though, right?

[Mark Marin]

No, netty potting is fun because. Because you get to just sit there and watch it come out. You're the nostril. That's good time.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you mean when you dump the.

[Mark Marin]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Marin]

I don't know if they really work, but you feel like you're achieving something.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not.

[Mark Marin]

Not attractive to watch.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not something.

[Mark Marin]

But you pour that water into one nostril, and then you wait, and you close the back of your throat, and it comes out the other nostril, and you think you've really accomplished something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And for me, a puff of nitrous oxide will come out, and then the saline.

[Mark Marin]

You'll start singing Christmas carols.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison, do you have a little bit of your book?

[Brian Bishop]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to do that before we call tonight.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Okay, so we need to explain this, which is that I am writing a fake memoir of my pregnancy, and I'm not actually pregnant the way it's called, what I'd expect if I were expecting. And the way this came about was Adam and I were talking about memoirs, and Adam pointed out that the appropriate time to write a memoir is before you experience the thing that you're writing about. Because that's when you really have the time, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Because once you go to rehab, you don't have time to write.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm saying write the book before rehab, before, you know, every chick.

[Mark Marin]

Is it a memoir still, or is it. This is happening now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, but this is a pregnancy book.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. What I expect. Yeah, it's yeah. What I'd expect if I were expecting.

Now that I'm super pregnant. Grocery shopping is a whole new world. We're Whereas before, I'd just roll into the market at all hours, picking up shellfish, alcohol, sweet acidophilus milk, unpasteurized cheese, dark chocolate, condoms and tampons, and occasionally being that annoying drunk person making out with her date in the express lane. Now I must take special care to read each and every label and warning sticker twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Also whereas before I'd blow past the diaper aisle, now I spend a lot of time among the Huggies of and Pampers, just hanging out and making eye contact with the other moms. Why is that fat chick winking at me? Some of them are probably wondering. I get it though. They are underslept and frazzled and have chapped nipples from breastfeeding. Also, I've begun making my own chutney, even though I don't live in Vermont. I plan to sell it under the name Baby's First Chutney. But that's because I'm an entrepreneur trapped in the body of a swollen, irritable woman. Just like Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

Have upcoming chapters?

[Brian Bishop]

I do. Upcoming chapters include Clean up on aisle Mine, My water Broke and or I just sneezed and pissed Myself.

The Peach Mango Monologues From Prenatal Chutney to postpartum depression and help, it's 3am and my baby Won't Stop farting.

[Allison Rosen]

The great Allison Rosen, everybody. Anyone as well keep it going for Mark Marin. A great, great job.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark.

[Mark Marin]

I got a I got Jonathan Winters on my podcast today. So you comedy legend and genius, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Can go to itunes and do the wtfpod.com and also gonna be may 13th through the 15th doing some stand up at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas. Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And if you want to find out where Mark's playing or you want to check out his great podcast, you want to do any of that stuff, you just go to Mark Maron.com you can.

[Mark Marin]

Twitter him at Mark Maron or wtfpod.com.

[Allison Rosen]

Or wpfpod.com Mark thanks for. Well, I was gonna say thanks for coming out, but you're here.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll be here. Thanks for hanging out. Mark Mer Thanks Allison Rosen. Perfect and bald Brian until next time, this Adam Corella Sand Mahala.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is Corolla Show 562 live on stage with Mark Merritt. That does it for this weekend's Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, I'm hollow and get it on.

[Brian Bishop]

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