Mark Duplass + Jay Duplass (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Mark Duplass & Jay Duplass (Carolla Classics)

Air Date: August 2, 2026
Key Guests: Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Host & Panel: Adam Carolla, Kira Sultanovich, Brian Bishop, Matt Achity

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Brief Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode features a 2015-era interview with indie film icons Mark and Jay Duplass, alongside a typically hilarious Adam Carolla roundtable. The brothers dive into their creative journey, the indie film scene, and their down-to-earth approach to producing and storytelling—while Adam and the panel riff on everything from neighborhood demographics to Super Bowl fines and fast food jobs. Interwoven are signature Carolla tangents, candid listener calls, and riff-heavy banter.

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Episode Highlights & Key Discussion Points

1. Indie Film Origins & Inspirations (53:15–58:05)

• Duplass Brothers’ Upbringing & Game-changing Cinema
  • Growing up on HBO and being profoundly influenced by the Coen Brothers’ Raising Arizona.
  • "It was the first time that we woke up and we were like, oh, people made this movie." (Mark Duplass, 53:40)
  • Early attempts to emulate their heroes led to “struggling to make anything watchable” throughout their teens and 20s.
• Discussion of Raising Arizona’s Film Techniques
  • Noted for its groundbreaking camera work and comedic energy, especially for an '80s comedy. (54:28–55:38)
  • The Coen brother dynamic inspired the Duplass model of creative partnership.

2. The Art of Beards, Testosterone, and Body Hair (56:46–61:16)

• Riffing on Male Aging & Hair
  • Playful analysis of how testosterone drives body hair—“Testosterone ironically gives you a bunch of hair on your back, but your head thins out.” (Adam Carolla, 56:48)
  • Everyone on the panel shares their own beard stories, follicle genetics, and the psychology of modern grooming.

3. Making Togetherness: Modern Indie TV (61:38–66:24)

• From The Puffy Chair to HBO
  • The Duplass approach: build stories from the realities and anxieties of their circle—whether it’s relationships in their 20s (The Puffy Chair) or midlife crises and parenthood (Togetherness).
  • "We were just finding these two groups of people..." (Mark Duplass, 61:59)
• TV at Sundance
  • The brothers discuss how they brought a TV show (not just films) to Sundance, helping to break new ground for independent television. (63:34–64:34)
  • Current role as mentors to young filmmakers, executive producing projects to help shepherd new talent.

4. Micro-budget Filmmaking & The 'Available Materials' Philosophy (67:14–71:41)

• How The Puffy Chair Got Made
  • "You look at what you have available to yourself, and you reverse engineer..." (Jay Duplass, 69:27)
  • No money? Use what’s free or cheap: apartments, vans, small-town goodwill, and pizza for the crew.
  • Non-traditional producing: budgets scribbled on loose-leaf paper, friends working for back-end shares instead of upfront pay.

5. Adam Carolla-Style Rants & Roundtable Banter

• Neighborhoods: Jews, Gays, and Urban Transformation (04:35–06:19)

  • Adam’s comedic, controversial theory: Jews and gays “clean up” neighborhoods.
  • “They’re the chlorine tablets of life.” (Brian Bishop, 04:56)
  • Jokes about the intersection of style, economy, and tight-knit communities.

• Awards Season Gripes — Oscars, Birdman, Acting Noms (06:46–08:16)

  • Blunt opinions on Oscar performances and egregious nominations (specifically Emma Stone and Laura Dern), with plenty of film-buff camaraderie.
  • “Everything was good about that movie, except for the movie.” (Adam Carolla on Birdman, 07:42)

• Classic Carolla: Traffic, Human Psychology, and Mundane Observations (10:10–13:18)

  • Why do people queue in one lane when two are open? “I’m delighted that everyone is this fucking stupid.” (Adam, 13:02)

6. Rotten Tomatoes Game: Gene Hackman Filmography (22:42–35:02)

• Full panel trivia and film-nerd banter
  • The panel guesses critics’ scores on various Gene Hackman movies, with in-depth commentary after each reveal.
  • “He has to salvage some dignity for his career. Scrape back some. We gotta do something… This can’t be his last film.” (Adam Carolla on Welcome to Mooseport, 32:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the creative process and early influences:

  • “We just thought these things were made by a machine out in Hollywood... But when Raising Arizona came out... you could feel the personality of the filmmakers more than we'd ever had before.”
    — Mark Duplass (53:55)
  • “We set about to be the next Coen Brothers. And that was our goal. And we failed at it miserably for many, many years.” — Jay Duplass (54:03)

• On the economics and community of micro-budget filmmaking:

  • “You look at what you have available to yourself, and you reverse engineer and back yourself into something…” — Jay Duplass (69:27)
  • “If you feed people pizza and you're making good stuff, people will come and work with you.” — Mark Duplass (70:18)

• On Adam’s Indelible Cynicism:

  • “All I’m trying to do in life is make up that three-card thing, and here’s a wide-open lane. I’m not doing anything illegal...” — Adam Carolla (11:59)
  • “I’m delighted that everyone is this fucking stupid.” — Adam Carolla (13:02)

• On beards, testosterone, and aging:

  • “He was the president of the blown testosterone club.” — Mark Duplass riffing on Nicolas Cage (55:41)
  • “I wear a patch of pubes on my face. That is my burden, you know?” — Adam Carolla (58:56)

• On the changing landscape of TV and film:

  • “Sundance is interesting because it has traditionally been known as a springboard... but we kind of see it as its own ecosystem...” — Jay Duplass (66:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-------------|----------------------------------------------| | 53:15–58:05 | Duplass origin story, Coen Brothers, & indie inspiration | | 61:38–66:24 | Togetherness, parenting, indie TV, and Sundance | | 67:14–71:41 | Micro-budget filmmaking & producing strategies | | 22:42–35:02 | Rotten Tomatoes Game (Gene Hackman films) | | 04:35–06:19 | Comedy about Jews, gays, and neighborhoods | | 06:46–08:16 | Oscars snubs and Birdman discussion | | 10:10–13:18 | Adam’s rant: “Why are people dumb in traffic?” | | 56:46–61:16 | Beard talk, aging, and testosterone humor | | 71:41–83:34 | Panel news: Super Bowl fines, therapy kangaroos, funny headlines |

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Panel Banter: The Signature Carolla Touch

• Rapid-fire exchanges about neighborhood demographics, the economics of joke-writing, traffic psychology, and even kangaroo therapy animals at McDonald's in Beaver Dam—each segment blends sharp wit, self-deprecating humor, and a willingness to follow any tangent to its weird, hilarious end.

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In Summary

If you haven’t listened:
This episode is vintage Carolla—irreverent, honest, and playful—and made especially special by the presence of the Duplass brothers, who illuminate the journey from indie film obscurity to HBO mainstays. Come for Adam’s rants and off-the-cuff panelist chemistry, stay for the inside scoop on the modern DIY creative life and the ways artists build careers from nothing. Highlights include memorable origin stories, filmmaking wisdom, and the combustible energy of friends hashing out everything from Super Bowl fines to the psychological meaning of beards.

Standout Quote:
“We just thought these things were made by a machine out in Hollywood... But when Raising Arizona came out... you could feel the personality of the filmmakers more than we'd ever had before.”
— Mark Duplass (53:55)

Must-Listen If You Love:

• The intersection of creative struggle and comedic banter
• Behind-the-scenes indie film stories and practical production advice
• Quick-witted panel humor, social commentary, and endless Carolla riffs

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Kira Sultanovich]

My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana.

[Adam Carolla]

Pickup fees may apply every day as a small business owner feels like solving a puzzle. One moment you're cruising along and the next there's a shipping snag that has you scrambling.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's a surprise you will like

[Adam Carolla]

with progressive Small business owners save 13% on their commercial auto insurance when they pay in full. So go ahead, surprise yourself. Get a quote in as little as 8 [e-mail] progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Discounts not available in all states or situations Foreign. Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Lee Chang]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla Show. If you'd like to gain access to the Adam Corolla show archive as well as the archives, The Adam and Dr. Drew show and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla substack adamcurolla.substack.com Go there, sign up, subscribe, listen, ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcurilla.com alright, let's get to the clips Coming first we have adam Carolla Show 1505. This one's from 2015 from the Gina Grad era. This episode's not featuring Gina Grad. The guests are Mark Duplass and Jay Duplass. Matt Achity, Kyra Sultanovich filling in on news along with Brian Bishop.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

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The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls.

[Mark Duplass]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

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And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so fast.

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On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Kyra Sultanovich is our guest news gal, for lack of a better term. Good to see you, Kira.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Thank you for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you about Kira in a second. Good day, Bald Brian. If you're gonna put your dick in someone's butt, you should expect to be pooped on.

[Brian Bishop]

Uncandrucker wanted that helpful warning from James Dean with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Kira's a comedian, has a podcast, is a parent, has another one on the way, has a parenting podcast, does stand up all over the place. Website. Now I have keircomedy.com, but I have an E at the end and not an A.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Well, I guess I'll have to change it now since that's where everyone's going to go. It's Kirakira comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah, well, it's a misprint.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's all right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Kira, comedy with a

[Brian Bishop]

K. To be fair, the E and the A are both on the keyboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Ra. That is true.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Absolutely. And it is a Russian name, so who really knows how it's spelled?

[Brian Bishop]

Alice island man dot com.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so, Kira, and you were what, you were born in Ukraine, right?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yes. Yeah, Ukraine immigrated. We were traded for wheat, which is true. You know, I can't make that up.

[Adam Carolla]

How did that work?

[Kira Sultanovich]

You know, the Jews weren't treated very nicely in the former Soviet Union, so. Yeah, I know. Well, actually, nowhere, really. Not even in the Valley sometimes. But the US Said, look, Russia, you guys are hungry. We'll give you some grains for your Jews. And we were traded.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, we should try to.

[Brian Bishop]

Ooh, will that still work?

[Adam Carolla]

I was just talking, asking for a friend.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I would love to send some back.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, we need is. I was talking to Ross about this yesterday, who's gay. I've always said, look, you think he's gay. You want to straighten up? I'm going out on a cock and saying yes. Matt Achodes here from Rotten Tomatoes.

[Brian Bishop]

Just here to join in the cocktail.

[Adam Carolla]

Only thing that cleans up a neighborhood faster than a gay is a Jewish. When the Jews come in, it's like you have some sort of pond and it's dirty and there's some bacterial eating whatever that you release into it and it starts eating up all the bad bacteria. That's what the Jews do to neighborhoods and the gays do to neighborhoods.

[Brian Bishop]

They're the chlorine tablets of life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no one wants to share in my sort of realistic viewpoints about life. But if you go to the Jewish neighborhoods and you go to the gay neighborhoods, they're quite a bit nicer than many of the other neighborhoods.

[Kira Sultanovich]

The gay neighborhoods have much better bars. And it depends what kind of Jews we're talking about. Are we talking about Shlomo, who won't put on a pair of shorts in LA during the Summer and still walks around with the hat and 15 layers and the jacket.

[Adam Carolla]

Those guys scare me a little bit.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Those scare me a lot of bits.

[Adam Carolla]

When it's 102 outside and you're layering, that's never a good sign.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, I don't think God wants you to sweat that badly. I mean, but yes, they do. They're nice neighborhoods, but then they're walking and they don't have the great cafes that the gay neighborhoods have.

[Brian Bishop]

Delis.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I like the gays and the Jews. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to turn this into some sort of battle royale. Jew versus gay.

[Brian Bishop]

Or do we?

[Adam Carolla]

Or do we?

[Kira Sultanovich]

You're a Jew. You're a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Matt Achity]

What about gay Jews?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's extending the logic.

[Adam Carolla]

There's not enough of them for my liking. But that's the ultimate marriage of style and fiscal responsibility and guilt with a sense of flair for drama and a guilt. Beautiful bar setting. You know what I mean? That's a great bar. And crunching those numbers and staying in the black. Staying in the black, Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a sharp dresser, but not too flashy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

But on a budget, a tasteful brooch.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt Achity here. Rotten Tomatoes. What's going on with you and your world?

[Matt Achity]

You know, it's Oscar season, you know, good movies. Good movies to catch up on that are nominated for Oscars.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you seen all the Oscar movies?

[Matt Achity]

I have seen almost all of them. I haven't seen the foreign language films yet, but I've seen most of the others.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But once you learn those languages, you watch them.

[Matt Achity]

Exactly. As soon as I learned Italian. And I can embrace opera.

[Adam Carolla]

And you, you're still going with. What were you going with? Oh, Birdman. Were you going with Birdman?

[Matt Achity]

I'm still going with Birdman.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that your prediction or the one you want to win?

[Matt Achity]

That's my prediction.

[Adam Carolla]

And what about the atrocity of what's her name being nominated for best supporting actress in Birdman?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Emma Stone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Wasn't that an atrocity?

[Adam Carolla]

She was in the movie, like, for four scenes and didn't. She wouldn't say much.

[Brian Bishop]

Laura Dern had the same thing in Wild. Not on the scenes very much, but got the nomination.

[Matt Achity]

That's a more surprising nomination as Laura Dern in Wild.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I don't feel like Emma Stone really did anything in this movie besides to look surprised when he flew out the window.

[Kira Sultanovich]

She sat on that ledge. That was ballsy.

[Brian Bishop]

At least she had flashy scenes where she got to yell.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I kind of agree with you, but okay.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I thought everyone had a great performance, but hers was just. She was good. You know, her mascara was smeared. It looked dramatic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, everything was good about that movie except for the movie.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But everything else was great.

[Adam Carolla]

All the parts on it were perfect. Yeah, all the performances were great. I got to see some Ed Norton back sack. It was awesome. But the movie itself I don't think I ever would need to see again.

[Brian Bishop]

You know who got hoed for Best supporting Actress? I just saw Most Violent Year. Jessica Chastain. Fantastic. How did she not get in on that?

[Matt Achity]

Don't know. She was great in that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so better than Emma Stone.

[Brian Bishop]

Better than both of them combined. She dominated the movie.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's one of the better performances of

[Lee Chang]

the year last year.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we'll play the Rotten Tomatoes game. Always looking forward to that. Speaking of movies, I don't know why I was watching an episode of Chips the other night.

[Brian Bishop]

Just because it's fucking great.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great. Reminds me when I used to babysit and eat and all that shit. But anyway, a scene that used to be in every single episode of Chips or Heart to Heart or any of those movies that I realized was a big deal to us when we were watching TV was considered a big time action sequence that they don't even get into anymore. Kicking open a locked door. Oh, yeah, that was a big deal.

[Brian Bishop]

The point is, if you're making padlock would go flying.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're making a deadbolt, but yes. Or the doorknob or whatever.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a padlock, not a lock. Like.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, from junior high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I mean, just want to make sure. Clear.

[Jay Duplass]

But when I'm.

[Brian Bishop]

You do your way, I'll kick open a locked door my way.

[Adam Carolla]

The storage facility. Yes.

[Kira Sultanovich]

A shed in someone's backyard.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is it was. It was a big deal. It was like a big scene in every one of those movies where it's like, knock, knock, knock. Someone. Someone's down there, I'm going in. And it's like, you know, shoulder into the door. Starsky and Hutch, like, it was a scene that they actually would build the whole episode around because it was a big time action scene. To see your guy kick open a door doesn't really exist today because it's so far down. Like nothing moves our needle anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Kicked open a door, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, It's. Now we cut to him just in the apartment. Like it used to be something that was ubiquitous and considered like the biggest action scene of the one hour drama. Now we just skate right past.

[Matt Achity]

No, now if you have to break the door open, you either use, you know, a packet of C4, blow it open, or you drive a car through it.

[Brian Bishop]

Or you hack the door.

[Matt Achity]

Or you hack the door or you shoot it open.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Matt Achity]

Right. You shoot it multiple times until it falls apart.

[Brian Bishop]

I missed the perspective shot of the guy having kicked open the door. The perspective from inside the apartment with the gun drawn and kicked open the door.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys tell me how human beings work. I get off the off ramp over here. It's one of these off ramps that has two lanes and you can turn left from both lanes. And the other day I came down there and there was 22 cars in one lane and zero cars in the other lane. Because I know we're all just lemmings and we all just slide in behind the car that's in front of us. But I started thinking about it. These all aren't people from Orlando who are here looking for Knott's Berry Farm.

[Jay Duplass]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

These are people who live here.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably travel this.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're getting off on that off ramp, chances are this is not the first time. I don't know how many. It may not be your off ramp, but you certainly work around here or something. It's two lanes. You turn left. For a small business owner, every day is full of surprises.

[Allison Rosen]

Some great, some not so great.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when a client cancels their order at the last minute. But here's a surprise you will like. Progressive provides small business owners with 30 customizable coverage options to help keep their business going strong. So go ahead, surprise yourself. Get a quote in as little as 8 minutes@progressive commercial.com progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates and third party insurers. Coverage is not available in all states or for all vehicles and coverage selections at both of them. It makes a T into like a park or something. You turn left, you've probably gotten off the five on that. I've gotten off it. Oftentimes I see 15, 18 cars in one lane. Sometimes it's the center one, sometimes it's left one. And the other one will either be empty or have one car. How fucking out of it are human beings when they're driving?

[Brian Bishop]

That's what it is. Brain dead people.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's hard when you're texting though, to really attain the true. I mean, I know I was checking my makeup in the mirror.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird because all I'm trying to do in life is make up that three card thing and here's a wide open lane. I'm not doing anything illegal. They're both going left. There's signs clearly marked, right side turn right, this left. There's no possibility of going straight. There's really nothing to factor in other than there's two left hand lanes and

[Matt Achity]

they only turn left.

[Adam Carolla]

They only turn left.

[Brian Bishop]

You can turn right though, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Not one of these lanes.

[Matt Achity]

Okay, okay, okay. There's an off ramp that I use at home. There's a couple of them around town where there'll be two left turn lanes. There'll be two lanes and they both can turn left, but one of them can turn right. The right lane goes both ways and it's a stoplight.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a San Fernando Valley thing. No, this is.

[Matt Achity]

And you don't want to be the one guy in the right lane at the stoplight. Right. Going to turn left and screwing everybody who's trying to turn the right on the red.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not people being considerate. This is two dedicated lanes to turn left and another separate one to go right. Everyone's going left and they've all queued in behind each other. 18, 20 cars, deep and wide open.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, aside from annoying you, does this not benefit you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm delighted that everyone is this fucking stupid.

[Matt Achity]

Safety in numbers.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Maybe they saw your car get off the freeway and they were like, ah, Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, guys, give him a birth,

[Kira Sultanovich]

give him the thing.

[Matt Achity]

They got a memo. Adam's gonna be getting off at this freeway exit. Make sure to leave a lane open for him.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice, but I don't think that's happening. Matt, other Matt, new Matt, caller Matt, 25 year old Matt from San Jose.

[Caller John]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Dawson, no. All right, let's see. Hey John. Yeah, what's going on?

[Caller John]

Not much, man. I had a question for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Caller John]

I like to write jokes and tell jokes and like I hear stories of like Larry the Cable guy buying jokes for like 25 or 50 bucks. And I was thinking like a good joke should be worth more than that, especially if a comedian's going around telling them for thousands of dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think they're worth? 47, 22.

[Allison Rosen]

How about leaving the jokes to Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, whoever came up with get er done, that's worth like $200 million.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's a sliding scale.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it kind of depends. But you tell me the joke and I'll sign the dollar amount to it.

[Caller John]

Oh man, are you gonna make me tell my Joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, oftentimes you want people to pay for it, then.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Free advertising for your wares.

[Adam Carolla]

And when you call up and you say, I tell jokes telling them, then

[Caller John]

you'll know that they bought them from me off the Corolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a poor mass trademark.

[Adam Carolla]

So give us one.

[Caller John]

Okay. Well, I have one that I imagined selling to. What's his name?

[Adam Carolla]

The pretty big fan.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I'm already gonna say $3.

[Adam Carolla]

I can tell you. I know you have his voice down.

[Brian Bishop]

You let us do the brokering. Just tell us the goddamn joke.

[Caller John]

Just when I thought of this joke, his Andrew Dice Clay came into my mind.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this like a Springsteen esque preamble?

[Adam Carolla]

What year is it?

[Brian Bishop]

I thought of this joke.

[Adam Carolla]

2, 3. Hold on a second. Here's why I know I'll always have a job in comedy. Because once every two and a half months, somebody calls up and says, I want to get into comedy. I want to do jokes, I want to do a podcast. And it's a fucking disaster. It's never like, give that guy six and a half. It's like, can't form a thought.

[Caller John]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I know I'll always be able to put food on the table for my family in the comedy department.

[Brian Bishop]

But good luck, John.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, John.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Need to hear a joke.

[Caller John]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But if I got two hands in some chick's bush, what the fuck do I need a bird for?

[Allison Rosen]

That's not bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kira Sultanovich]

One day be a weird uncle.

[Brian Bishop]

That's more of a tweet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's the thing.

[Lee Chang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're assuming that the hand is in the bush.

[Brian Bishop]

That's more of a one. That's kind of a one liner. I don't know if I'd pay a lot for that because it's not going to take up a lot of stage time. Like if you have a story or an arc or a chunk or whatever they call it, put it on a

[Kira Sultanovich]

T shirt, sell it at a junior college, that's fine.

[Caller John]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

But we see where you're going.

[Matt Achity]

It's on the right track.

[Adam Carolla]

You got something.

[Brian Bishop]

It's clever.

[Caller John]

Mm.

[Kira Sultanovich]

How many tomatoes would you give that.

[Adam Carolla]

What else you got, John?

[Matt Achity]

50.

[Caller John]

Man. I don't. I got an Asian joke. I got. Just another thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear the Asian joke.

[Brian Bishop]

Is the joke about Asians?

[Caller John]

Yeah. Do you know why there's so many Asians?

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Caller John]

It's food related. Too much raw dog.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Too much raw. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's Good. That's kind of cool.

[Adam Carolla]

These are good. These are good, dog. Right? But you mean, like, not wearing them.

[Brian Bishop]

It's clever. This is a good tweet. I don't know if I pay money for that one on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Keep at it, John.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I thought that was kind of funny.

[Adam Carolla]

11 more. We're gonna have to let you go. What?

[Caller John]

You know what opinions are like, right? Everybody says this. Opinions are like, yeah, assholes.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone has one. They all stink.

[Caller John]

No, no, no Herpes. If you got them, keep them to yourself. Unless you're hot, then. I'm listening.

[Adam Carolla]

We're moving toward the light.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I would get a Groupon. These are your. If they were on Living Social.

[Caller John]

You see what I'm saying? I got decent jokes, but my question is, what do you think jokes like that would be worth?

[Adam Carolla]

I've never purchased a joke and I've never sold a joke, so I really couldn't tell you. I think there was some going rates, like, for the Tonight show, if you'd make it into the monologue. And I don't think the Asian humor is probably the two fast in the bush, even though. Well, maybe that. Maybe that might. Jay might. That probably not going to make the cut.

[Matt Achity]

I hear Jay tell that joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably not going to make the cut. But Ben Schwartz, I'm being told, told us that he used to get 50 bucks on Letterman's monologue. But that could have been 21 years ago. I don't know how long ago that was, but I don't know. You'd get 100 bucks or whatever. And, like, you know. So, like, on one hand, you go, well, isn't the joke worth more than that? But on the other hand, I used to get 100 bucks for roofing for nine hours. So your shitty Asian joke.

[Brian Bishop]

You could have told a couple jokes

[Adam Carolla]

that you just thought of when you were hot, which was funnier and wrote down on a cocktail napkin. Right? So. All right, John, I question your attitude a little. John, maybe you should be delivering these jokes yourself.

[Caller John]

No, I do. I do. Those are actually non sequiturs that I use when I get in trouble and people like them.

[Adam Carolla]

Like with the cops. Like the Asian police.

[Caller John]

Yeah, worked on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I've never seen Ashley so delighted when

[Kira Sultanovich]

his hand is in a bush. Then he tells the joke.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, those are your savers on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Like who? How much do you think it's worth? Like the guy who told Dice to smoke his cigarette by wrapping his hand around his head and inhaling in the most Uncomfortable way imaginable. What is that worth? What kind of price would you put on that? Like the guy said, dice, you're up there smoking, but you're doing it the wrong way. You're doing it the way where you just put it up to your lips and inhale. What I'm saying to you is you gotta wrap your arm around your head and smoke it like French style.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, what movie am I thinking of? Or a documentary or something where there's someone who claims to do all these crazy. You know, Dice, the upside down smoking thing. That was me. I told him to do that. There's some movie where some guy did that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's gotta translate into, you know, at least tens of thousands of dollars over the course of a care.

[Kira Sultanovich]

How long it should be worth, how much it's gonna cost to cure his lung cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would argue that you may have added 10 years to his life making it that difficult to inhale. You know, every time you wanna take

[Brian Bishop]

a drag, you gotta go around the whole.

[Adam Carolla]

And there are times when you feel like smoking, but your neck's tight and you're like, I just don't think I'll pull it all.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll just dip today.

[Matt Achity]

Yoga. Smoking.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take a hot shower and then I'll smoke. See if I can loosen up those neck muscles. All right, John, Sorry. Yes.

[Caller John]

That is actually the lead up to his climax on his new or his new ish Showtime special.

[Adam Carolla]

Smoking around my.

[Caller John]

Yeah, he gets like, has a band come out and play and he does the smoking thing and then tells the rhymes. I would say it'd be worth something, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, hard to put a dollar amount on that.

[Caller John]

I just think $25, considering that would be an am ammo to your arsenal. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

If you're selling Iowa.

[Caller John]

Yeah, I have to drive an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, I'll give you 25 for the. A Chinese joke, all right?

[Caller John]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Jay Duplass]

What do you.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you looking for? I started Ornod in 2013 and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle. It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com.

[Caller John]

i just don't think you're gonna tell it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then you Just made a free 25 bucks. You could resell the joke, you know, it's safe with Corolla.

[Brian Bishop]

When Adam's option expires, he goes out to someone else.

[Caller John]

Yeah, I think they deserve more respect

[Adam Carolla]

than that, than not being sold.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I would sell it to me, take my 25, knowing full well that I wouldn't tell the joke, and then just go ahead and sell it to, you know, Dane Cook.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll give you Joe Coy's phone number. Yeah, it's 818.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's a Chinese joke. You can tell it an hour later. It's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there you go. Already been up.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

All right, Jen.

[Caller John]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, John.

[Brian Bishop]

Apparently, that show now.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy, he's got an attitude, that boy. Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Iowa. $25 in Iowa goes a long way. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, gas probably under 2 bucks a gallon.

[Kira Sultanovich]

You know, a month's salary. Right. Am I wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

I think he could probably fill up his Nissan, whatever he's driving over there. Yeah. I was trying to go down. I was trying to go down the line even further than Sentra, but I couldn't figure it out. All right, Matt, should we play the game?

[Matt Achity]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. Here's the guy with the fresh and rotten movie game. Now it's. I really hope it isn't lame. Please, let's go.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I totally can take this note.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't force it all anymore. Anymore.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It hurts my balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Hurts my ball. He names the flicks and the gang makes mix mad at you. He's a schlubby guy and when he

[Kira Sultanovich]

drops by, the king has to guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Do the critics scorch, bacon rotten, or fresh

[Kira Sultanovich]

action?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what is the theme?

[Matt Achity]

Gene Hackman turned 85 this past weekend. He has retired from film. I know, huge loss. He is writing books, but I thought we would go through Gene Hackman movies.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Matt Achity]

There's a lot of good ones. All right, first up, 1971. This is an Oscar nominee. He won the Oscar for best actor for this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the French Connection, Popeye Doyle.

[Brian Bishop]

I just saw this for the first time maybe four or five months ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Did it hold up?

[Brian Bishop]

It did. It's like a gritty movie. I mean, it feels like very 70s, but it's enjoyable, engaging.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I've ever seen the whole thing. Critics must have liked this movie when it came out. It got a lot of critical praise and some Oscar buzz. And he said nominated. I think the film was nominated.

[Matt Achity]

Nominated for best picture. He won.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'M going to say 84%.

[Brian Bishop]

I said 93. I might be low.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I said 74.

[Matt Achity]

98.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That is very high. All right, Brian out to a lead.

[Matt Achity]

All right, next up, we saw Gene Hackman take on Denzel Washington under the sea in a submarine, arguing over who was going to be in command. 1995, Crimson Tide.

[Brian Bishop]

I love this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did, too.

[Brian Bishop]

It's rewatchable, too. Like, comes on HBO or whatever once in a while. Completely dive in, no pun intended, whenever it's on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, very good. But action. They're not always. They're tough on action films as a genre.

[Brian Bishop]

Tony Scott.

[Matt Achity]

Tony Scott passed the script done by Quentin Tarantino.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, the whole Silver Surfer scene that's back.

[Brian Bishop]

And some Scotty's Star Trek talk. There's a lot of Tarantino stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Caller John]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, everyone locked in. 79%.

[Brian Bishop]

I said 79 also.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Wow. 89.

[Matt Achity]

87.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm surprised. So high. Honestly, this seems like a movie that critics wouldn't have gotten behind, but it's great. I love this movie.

[Matt Achity]

It's a great movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Matt Achity]

All right, next up, same year, 1995. That mid-90s period is when Gene Hackman had, like, 20 movies coming out, all in, like, three years. This is a movie he did for Sam Raimi. It's a western. Also star Sharon Stone, Leo DiCaprio, the quick and the Dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't see it.

[Caller John]

Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

No idea.

[Caller John]

Here.

[Adam Carolla]

Sharon Stone.

[Lee Chang]

Fuck.

[Matt Achity]

Russell Crowe early in his career.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know if this was.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Did anybody win anything for that or was that ever in any. No contenders for that in Immisalign.

[Matt Achity]

No, don't get this mixed up with him working on Unforgiveness or Wyatt Earp. This is the movie that was shot in Blam O Vision.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Oh, wow. Brian's going back and readjusting now.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, the blammo. Is that what made you Ridge S. Penn?

[Adam Carolla]

I said that, all right. Because I have integrity and intestinal fortitude. I stuck with what I wrote down. 51.

[Brian Bishop]

I did confuse this with Wyatt Earp, and I crossed it out and wrote down 34. I think this was a disaster. I said 34.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Oh, man. Okay. I went way too high. 75.

[Matt Achity]

55.

[Adam Carolla]

I had 44.

[Brian Bishop]

I lost 10 points.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, wait a minute. What did you end up with?

[Brian Bishop]

34 is what I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

34. This is tight heading into the championship rounds, people.

[Matt Achity]

All right, next up, 1998, saw Gene Hackman team with Will Smith in a movie that basically Brought him back to his role. From the conversation. The movie is Enemy of the State.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Oh, I never saw that one.

[Adam Carolla]

I never saw it either.

[Brian Bishop]

Never saw it either.

[Matt Achity]

On cable all the time. You guys Never saw. Come on.

[Brian Bishop]

Actively avoid.

[Adam Carolla]

What's. What's the theme of that movie?

[Matt Achity]

Will Smith is the lawyer who gets. He's chased by the NSA and Gene Hackman is the surveillance expert that's helping him escape the NSA and too much surveillance.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Back when the NSA was worried more about black people than other people.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kira Sultanovich]

No blamovision in this one.

[Matt Achity]

No, no blamovision.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, you know, now we're moving into brown. Before you know it, whitey's gonna be on the run. You know what I mean?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Don't worry. Jews before you guys. Don't worry.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are okay. You'll be our Jews before yous little. Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Jewish, Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

You can be our little Big beak. Big beak. Canary in the coal mine. So something happened. Okay. All right. I'm saying people didn't love it. They didn't hate off. 62.

[Brian Bishop]

40.

[Jay Duplass]

Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I said 63.

[Matt Achity]

78.

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the death blow.

[Matt Achity]

71. I had the wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a death blow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Kira, really?

[Matt Achity]

I'm so disappointed you didn't see that. I pored over this list, trying to figure out the ones that you want to see.

[Kira Sultanovich]

And Gene Hackman spoke at my high school. I should have seen everything.

[Adam Carolla]

From that moment on, what was your score?

[Brian Bishop]

You guessed.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I said 63.

[Brian Bishop]

The third chair has never won this game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

So this.

[Adam Carolla]

I had 62. He spoke at your high school?

[Kira Sultanovich]

He did, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

About what?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Just. I went to a school of the farts. You know, one of those, like, we dance on cafeteria tables. And so he came and talked to all the dancers and musicians and actors and.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah. It was huge. And guess what? Guess who else spoke at my high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Who?

[Mark Duplass]

Me.

[Kira Sultanovich]

What a bummer for those kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean you came back?

[Kira Sultanovich]

I went back.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I thought you just asked if you could use the bathroom or something.

[Kira Sultanovich]

No, I came back years later.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Years.

[Caller John]

Years.

[Adam Carolla]

Devastation.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Oh, it's such a rip off for those kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope there was someone between you and Gene Hackman so the kids can get the bends. Okay.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Went to that high school. Margaret Cho.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Kira Sultanovich]

And Sam's fool and Sam Rockwell. So, I don't know. I guess they were busy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking love Sam Rockwell.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, he's great.

[Matt Achity]

Who doesn't?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller John]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you guys seen the Conversation? The Gene Hackman Movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, no, that's another one I

[Brian Bishop]

saw a few months ago. Does not hold up.

[Matt Achity]

Really? Oh yeah, I totally think that holds up.

[Brian Bishop]

Wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are on the different end of the tomato spectrum. All right, last one, last one.

[Matt Achity]

2004 film that is Gene Hackman's final film performance.

[Adam Carolla]

2004.

[Matt Achity]

He plays a semi retired vice president, moves to a little town, runs for mayor opposite Ray Romano. Welcome to Moose Pool.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Oh, yeah, I did see that.

[Adam Carolla]

This is kind of my argument of you got one shot at carrying a movie like Ray Romano's Hot Stand Up. He was. Had a huge show, starred in a big time syndication and all that kind of stuff. Very popular sitcom. And now he's going to try to headline a movie. But he gets one shot and one shot only to be the lead on that poster. And if it doesn't work out, you can go back into playing friends of the friend and that kind of stuff. But that's my example of they'll give everyone gets one shot. But if they don't bust through.

[Lee Chang]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And this one didn't bust through. Welcome to Moose Port or whatever. Saw bits and pieces of it. You know, it's like kind of likable, but the critics aren't going to like this. All right, Brian, you got to try something desperate here. Haymaker time for you, Kira. Man, I think we're all knotted up here pretty close. And I'm going to say I didn't like this one. 36%.

[Brian Bishop]

Shit. I want 25.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Okay, I said 57.

[Matt Achity]

13.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian just picked up a lot. But Kira knocked herself right out of the running.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Sure did.

[Adam Carolla]

That was perfect.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Boy, I got a soft spot for this.

[Brian Bishop]

Was not that bad of a movie. It's a bad movie.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It was not 13% bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this Gene Hackman's last movie?

[Matt Achity]

This is his final film performance.

[Adam Carolla]

We should put him in some gay porn or something so he can salvage some dignity for his career. Scrape back some. We got to do something. I mean, he fucking Lex Luthor, but what? Huh?

[Brian Bishop]

That's fucking Lex Luthor.

[Adam Carolla]

This can't be his last film. The point is this. Fighters who have these careers where they stay on, they overstay their welcome. And at some point you see Larry Holmes beating up Muhammad Ali and he's literally looking at the ref saying, please stop me from punching this man, this legend, one more time. I'm tired of beating this guy up. When are you going to put an end to this? And it's sad also, by the way, I believe Muhammad Ali's mustache robbed him of all his powers, really. He was doing fine. And then he grew a mustache and

[Matt Achity]

it all went away.

[Adam Carolla]

It all turned into Dwayne Bobbick at that point. But the point is, he was doing good until he grew the mustache.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, that's why I don't want to grow mine.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you gotta keep waxing.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. They used to bleach. And I'm always like, well, now you look like Nick Nolte. I can see a blond. There are blonde guys with mustaches. All right, anyway, then at some point. At some point, Larry Holmes is in there with Mike Tyson and you're going, oh, this is sad. Larry Holmes is such a great champion. And Mike Tyson, you overstay your welcome. Now, what you do, if you go out as a heavyweight and you have this incredible career and then you just get devastated by the next. You essentially. Usually they set up one more fight so that you can end your career with your hand held up in the air instead of set up, instead of a pummeled bloody mess. You know what I mean? Get some tomato can. Put him out there. What I'm saying with Hackman, I'm going to unretire his ass, shove him in some Tarantino film where he just says three words or something so he can literally be discredited on his cameo.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, get him a cameo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just IMDb page. That'll be at the end when he hits the grave. That'll be the. That'll be at the top. Not Mooseport.

[Brian Bishop]

Good call.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's make it happen.

[Matt Achity]

His final film could have been the

[Brian Bishop]

Royal Tenenbaum, so it would have been a good tribute.

[Matt Achity]

That would have been a great note to go out on. But no, he had to go do Mooseport.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I don't like the Tannenbaum stuff, but Moose Port, this is no way

[Brian Bishop]

for a legend in terms of quality of those two films.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, if you added it up,

[Jay Duplass]

Gary

[Adam Carolla]

Aceman, 58, Baldbrine. I'm sorry, 77. And Kira, 98. Yeah, that last one really was a massacre. I think it's two in a row for the Ace man. Rotten or fresh. Not that the Ace man likes to brag about the Ace Man. Ace man would never do that.

[Brian Bishop]

No, of course not.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be in poor taste.

[Brian Bishop]

How can you speak for him like that? You don't know him that well.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always thought.

[Brian Bishop]

Let him talk to himself sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always thought. This is quietly why jocks speak about themselves in the Third person. Because when Karl Malone got to do what's best for Karl Malone, at some point when he gets busted for cheating and his wife says, what the fuck? He goes, that doesn't sound like the kind of thing Karl Malone would do. But I can talk to him if I see him. You know what I mean? Karl Malone is a dedicated family. The Karl Malone I know is a very dedicated family man who's a one woman man. But if you say Karl Malone did this, I can't bring that up with him.

[Brian Bishop]

Next time I run into him, I'll

[Adam Carolla]

text him and see what he has to say.

[Matt Achity]

The very sophisticated version of it wasn't me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the third person nizing of yourself is pretty good. If you're gonna get busted for cheating on your taxes or your wife or something, it's kind of nice.

[Brian Bishop]

Taxes. It hasn't worked out so well for somebod.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you just get. You do press conferences. That's the kind of thing Karl Malone would do.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Kira Sultanovich]

How can people say that with a straight face, though? I could never talk about myself in the third person with a straight face.

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a while I think you can do it. Like, I will go, people would laugh at Adam Carolla starring in a romantic comedy or something. I think you can do that. You can. That's about as far as I can go with it.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Right, but you're still. I mean, you're not. It's not that you're joking, but you're still saying it with some levity. But there are people who are really. I had a boss who would speak in the third person all the time. And he'd be like, well, what do you think? Do you think Jack likes it when you do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

And I was like, who am I talking to now?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, do ya. Are you sure he didn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think Jack likes it?

[Matt Achity]

Were you three?

[Kira Sultanovich]

No, I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think mommy likes it? I'm gonna try to save him. Do you think he named his cockjack?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Oh, you know what? What did I used to call it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to defend him, but I'm just telling you it might have been. It's called a raise. It's called a razometer. You blow into it.

[Brian Bishop]

Just talk to not so little Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Mike, line three, Scotts Valley.

[Caller John]

Hey there. How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, is that up north?

[Caller John]

Dude, it's right down the street from your buddy Bruce Canopa's new car museum. I live like a mile from that.

[Adam Carolla]

God you're lucky you like it up here. That's beautiful.

[Caller John]

Gotta move up here, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know what though? I don't want to lose my eye of the miserable, you know what I mean? I feel like I keep my edge. If you guys just go up the Google Image Earth map whatever thing and go up Scotts Valley. Just driving up the road is unbelievable. And yeah, that car museum dealership or whatever is just un fucking believable, but it's just beautiful country. I don't know, what is it, an hour out of Pebble Beach?

[Caller John]

Yeah, it's like an hour to pebble and an hour to San Francisco.

[Brian Bishop]

Right by Santa Cruz.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what's it like up there? Just growing tits, getting soft. I mean that's what's, that's what's going on with you, right, Mike? What's going on with you?

[Caller John]

I got three kids, I'm 55, you know, working in the high tech industry. It's a great place to raise a family. The kids though, they all the teenagers all refer to it as Cops Valley because they think there's too many cops for this small town.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it? Well, Kennepa's driving 917s up and down the main boulevard.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I like how Mike refers it to it not as the tech industry. The high tech industry, unless you confuse it with low tech.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, yeah, yeah. He's not making like those wooden cups with the ball and the string on the end of the tables, nothing like that. Hey Mike, what's the average house up there cost?

[Caller John]

I think right now they're going for. I just looked at that recently, right? About 700 or 800 grand.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

How many square feet is that?

[Caller John]

You know, probably 2,000 square feet. And you know, I mean I got in at the wrong time unfortunately, 10 years ago. So I bought in when it was a little high. But I have a 3,000 square foot and I had to pay over 9.

[Adam Carolla]

It's beautiful though. And I mean the idea that pebble beach is an hour away and San Francisco is an hour away. And by the way, that hour is the greatest driving of your life because it is just as I drove from pebble beach up to Scotts Valley once. Go to put up Kenepa's website and I'll show you some fucking. I'll show you $40 million worth of cars that's just nested.

[Caller John]

Did you know that he opens up that shop?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can walk around, look at it.

[Caller John]

Yeah, he opens it up to the public a couple times a year and so I've been in there twice and it's un fucking believable.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't goddamn agree with you more. I know. And a super fanatic about everything being clean and being all crazy restorations, you know, the last Cobra ever built, the first Duesenberg ever built, and it's nut and bolt restorations and it's just. It's done like a. Like a surgical center. It's just unbelievable. This is the guy I race with at Laguna Seca every year, who's in my run group, who's always leading the leading the run group.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But that's his showroom right now. The world shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're looking at like a 9 cent 2017. That's $11 million.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's a museum.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. And then it's that. I mean, look, I don't know if it's 11, maybe it's $9 million, but I mean, you were just looking at a Porsche Can Am car. I mean, you're talking about five, six million dollars.

[Kira Sultanovich]

And they're just open like that. Like people can breathe on them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. And they go out and race them. It's pretty unbelievable. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, what was your question?

[Caller John]

Just, you know, I was any. Any excuse to talk to you guys. I've been listening for a long time. Feel like we're friends, so. Well, great podcast with Dennis Miller the other day. I love that one. So keep that going.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that is our PO cast and we'll be doing that every Saturday, so you can listen to that on itunes and go ahead and subscribe.

[Brian Bishop]

Good job hitting that rich white guy demo.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Mike.

[Caller John]

Hey, man, just one quick question that I did call. Who do you think would win between Manny and money?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Manny came in here and I love that guy and he was real sweet. Held the focus mitts for me and all that kind of stuff. Mayweather is 500 and he's slick. It's always hard to bet against slick. Manny's been dropped a few times, but he's kind of back. Manny's slick in his own way. I think if you said, look, your kid's life is on the line, I'd probably take Mayweather. But it's a real pick em kind of. I started Ornod in 2013 and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually Be the bicycle. It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com fight now Mayweather can do a version of this fight where he sort of stays away from him the whole fight. That's not going to be a crowd pleaser. The best thing to happen would be a good fight that ended in a draw or something controversial that created another fight. Because, you know, it's nice to get 50 or $70 million payday for an evening's work. What's nicer is if there's another one or two of those spread out over the next 18 months. And that'd be really easy to do. I mean, whoever's thinking about this fight is not thinking about one fight. They're thinking about three fights. One that takes place in May, the other that takes place in February, and then one that takes place in August of that following year. Taking 18 months and spreading out $50 million paydays. You'd be a fool not to. That's why the first fight can't be a first round knockout. You gotta put a show on first fight in order to increase the appetite for the second.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It can't be his. Welcome to Moose Port is what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

It cannot be his welcome. He cannot go out on Moose Port's terms. All right, Mike, thank you, buddy.

[Caller John]

Hey, love you guys. Take care of.

[Adam Carolla]

Enjoy your little Shangri La up there. All right, Another sports related question. Up top here. Michael 33, North Carolina. Hey, Adam, what's going on?

[Caller John]

Pleasure talking to you. Hey, you got completely like the opposite of groundlings the other day when you asked the question after your super bowl party about total over under Patriots from all their games and you said they, you know, because they got blown out and a few others. They're minus 44 total points. Fourth worst of all the teams that ever been in the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Related to that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You mean they're minus 44 in terms of all of their super bowl appearances?

[Caller John]

No. Yes. Yeah, they've won a few. Real close.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. And they got blown out by the Bears.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I forgot about that one.

[Caller John]

Yeah, everybody ignored you like the crowd you were with at Jimmy's. Nobody wanted to consider that whatsoever. They were like. What are you talking about? They were like confused legitimately, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Brian legitimately is confused.

[Brian Bishop]

When you think of the Patriots in Super Bowls, you only think about Tom Brady and Billacek. You forgot they were in a Super bowl prior.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So my Question was the fact that even though they were overall in Super Bowls four and two, they were. Sorry, what's that?

[Caller John]

Eight games. Four and four.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, four and four.

[Mark Duplass]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

Because they lost to the Green.

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot about Green. I forget about the Green Bay Packers. So Even though they're 4 and 4 in Super Bowls, they're minus 44 points. That's what you're saying.

[Caller John]

Yes. And that point differential is the fourth worst. There's only four teams that are worse than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but look, that's like us looking at a super hot blonde and you saying, you know her, her FICO score is not that great. I don't care. I got a fucking boner. Yeah, you should see her SATs. I don't care. I want to ear fuck her right now. And they're like, yeah, but that FICO score, I mean, big. It's like, I don't care. I got a boner. Like, I don't care. I mean, it's a weird victory. And look, by the way, if you want to get into statistics, you can really start spinning them any way you want when you go, yeah, Brady, I don't know because he never.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is he's got four Super Bowls and, I don't know, 15 year career. But anyway, Michael.

[Caller John]

Yes, Your question, the next question. Yes, he's four and two in Super Bowls. You got a couple guys who are four know your, your friend Bill Simmons is like, how is 4 and 2 not way better than 4? No, it kind of also is like you're talking about Mayweather. The O kind of counts for something.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, I agree.

[Caller John]

What things would you consider if you were going to try and rate best of all time? I know, Brian, you're a 49ers fan. You may lean towards some of them. And how do you also rate the fact that in the NFC in the 80s and 90s, it was much harder to get to the Super Bowl?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't know. This is one of those. You can go around forever. I was thinking about this. I'm going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's hard to argue with the zero part. And yeah, I mean, look, let's face it, all of. And maybe this is part of being great, but all of Brady's wins and some of his two of his losses have just been just sort of crazy plays. I mean, the Rams game was tied at the end. Essentially the guy, they said the guy got out of bounds, he was tackled kind of inbounds. They should have let the clock roll they didn't. They kick a field goal with no time left on the clock. I mean, all the wins. I mean, that's last win. It's insane. They didn't hand the ball off to Lynch. The two losses, I mean, so unfortunately, first thing you go is, well, he barely won the games he won. Yeah. Except for he barely lost the games he lost. So it's. You can't really play that way. Yeah, I don't think.

[Brian Bishop]

A few things to think about. Number one, Montana obviously had a great supporting cast for those last super bowl wins. People forget, for the first one, there was not a great 49ers team. And obviously Brady didn't have a great supporting cast for those first couple years, but when he did have his best supporting cast, they lost. That was a 16. 0 team that lost in the championship game.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my. Here's my biggest.

[Brian Bishop]

Bradshaw, of course, had a great spot.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's the deal. I believe it's all about the system. I believe it's all about the coaching. That's what I believe. And it's about the quarterback buying into the system and not deviating from the system. Moving the chains. I mean, same thing. San Francisco would do so much underneath stuff, so much short stuff, just moving the chains. But, Michael, here's the question I would pose to you. Out of Brady, out of Troy Aiken, out of Bradshaw, out of Montana, out of all these guys who, if they were drafted by Cleveland, would have the most wins? And I will give you the answer.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Out of just those four guys who have the Grinch.

[Adam Carolla]

No, those guys. Just that pantheon, Those people. I'll tell you who would have the most wins.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Well, Kira doesn't know a lot about football, but Kira would say, Montana, you're from the Ukraine. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's your country's national sport.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's where they get the pigs from.

[Matt Achity]

Do you mean Troy Aiken or Troy Aikman?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, did I say Akin?

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's his kid for a while.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Caller John]

All right, I'm gonna. I think Montana would probably didn't make mistakes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Caller John]

Okay.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you why. Because he'd get crushed. We get no offensive line and, you know, and by the way, the system wouldn't be there. He'd be trying to air it out to receivers. He never would never have the time. His body couldn't handle the abuse that it would take. I'll tell you the guy that would do the best in that scenario.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve Young.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Outside the Box.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But he wasn't on your list.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I said the list was straightened out when Brian said only the people on the list. And I said no, just guys who won Super Bowls in that pantheon.

[Matt Achity]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve Young because he was athletic.

[Brian Bishop]

Cunningham might be great of the greats.

[Matt Achity]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Young because he was so fast, so durable, so strong, and he would have had a horrible team in Cleveland, and he would have improvised and whatever.

[Caller John]

I don't did great with horrible teams.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he was that kind of player. But I don't think. I don't think Tom Brady or Montana would flourish in a bad system. I don't think they're athletic and physical enough. Yes, I agree with me. Thank you, Michael.

[Brian Bishop]

The guy I would include in that is a young John Elway because he succeeded with suspect cast, suspect coaching, and he still succeeded and was super athletic as a younger guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The question. Yeah. Was mobility.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But not Clay Aiken.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Troy Aiken, by the way. It is I.

[Caller John]

It's.

[Matt Achity]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. I love that guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Troy Aiken.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, Clay.

[Matt Achity]

Clay Aikman.

[Adam Carolla]

That fucking guy. That guy's got more moxie, more chutzpah. More chutzpah than any of us.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a lot of talk show hosts go from the football quarterback. Talk to the Clay Akin. Admiration.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

You got range, my friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Am spiritually and physically in love with that man. I did Celebrity Apprentice with him, and I was impressed incredibly by that guy. I'm like, listen, if you wanted somebody to lead your company or your charity or your whatever, or your state or your football team or your football team to victory or cheerleading squad, Troy Akin is. Clay is the guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Clay's the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, might be the last human being named Clay.

[Brian Bishop]

There's not too many behind him.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a Clay Matthews, and that's about it. After that, it's a solid fucking name. All right, Matt, you, my friend. Let's give you a plug. Rottentomatoes.com website Rottentomatoes.com love going to Rottentomatoes.com and am I missing anything?

[Matt Achity]

We have our little podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Where do we go? Should we just go to rottentomatoes.com and find the podcast?

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, it's on the podcast, on itunes, wherever. Fine podcasts are sold.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Matt Atchety, we'll take a quick break. Jay and Mark Duplass will be in here, and we'll do that next. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla Show. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 7 on TV Land. Don't watch Walker, Texas Ranger, the Witness against a money launderer makes repeated attempts to escape from protective custody. Guest starring Doris Roberts. At 8 on DLIF. Be sure to miss outrageous Births, Tales from the Crib. A baby is delivered in a shopping mall parking lot. And at 8:30 on either. Definitely don't watch Lance Loves Michael. Lance Bass and Michael Turchin share a behind the scenes look at their wedding, including preparations, trips home to meet each other's families and bachelor parties. That's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the Adam Carolla show. Togetherness. That's what you do watch. That's right. Sunday nights, 9:30 on HBO. Jay and Mark Duplass in here. Jay is in it and Mark is in it. Oh, Mark's in it. Oh, I screwed that up.

[Mark Duplass]

I'm in another one.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys brothers been producing and working and yeah, they did a movie in my house. But we'll get into that in another era and another time when you guys come in because we'll have you back. I know this is going to go that well. How does it all get started? I read here that you were influenced by Raising Arizona, which is one of my favorite films.

[Mark Duplass]

Yeah, that was, you know, we were just, we just ate HBO for, for our entire lives as we were growing up. It came into our neighborhood. We just consumed whatever came across hbo.

[Jay Duplass]

We drank it, we ate it, we lived off of it.

[Mark Duplass]

Yeah, it was just, we just thought these things they just made by a machine out in Hollywood. They get piped over this pipeline. But then when Raising Arizona came out, it was the first time that we woke up and we were like, oh, people made this movie and we cannot see them, but we kind of know what they're like based on, you know, how the stylistic choices that were made. You could feel the personality of the filmmakers more than we'd ever had before. It probably also coincided with us hitting puberty and our brain developments.

[Adam Carolla]

And so where were you at this point?

[Jay Duplass]

We were in the suburbs of New Orleans, Louisiana, with our parents in the movie theater having our brains exploded.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it the Coen brothers that helped? I mean, the brother part that helped it?

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, I think that was part of it. But I think it's just you can see the machinations of how they are. And that movie feels very constructed. And so we set about to be the next Coen Brothers. And that was our goal. And we failed at it miserably for many, many years, like trying to emulate them, rip off their style. And that was basically our teens and our 20s was just struggling to make anything watchable and failing over and over again.

[Adam Carolla]

That movie. I love that movie, by the way. But it's also really groundbreaking and how it's shot and the techniques they use, like when they're going down, they're going up the ladder.

[Jay Duplass]

I knew you were gonna mention the ladder.

[Adam Carolla]

I love all those shots. I mean, it was long before any doing that kind of work. Camera dynamics, especially in a comedy.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, especially in 80s comedy. Late 80s comedy stuck out so much from what it was like, big in the theaters and stuff. It was very, very different.

[Adam Carolla]

It was indie and it had Randall Tex Cobb in it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So it had to be good with

[Jay Duplass]

a Woody Woodpecker tattoo.

[Mark Duplass]

And let's talk about it also, it had Nick Cage at 22 years of age and the full, full throttle malehood, Manhood.

[Jay Duplass]

I mean, it was like he looked 45 years old.

[Mark Duplass]

Yeah, he was a full grown man, but he was probably only like seven years older than anywhere, as I think they say. Yes, Mark. And I like to refer to him as the president of the blown testosterone club. If you. It's a. It's a sociological phenomenon where if you look out into the world, you'll notice that certain guys peak at like 18 to 22. And then it's just all downhill. I mean, like, he was balding in his early 20s.

[Jay Duplass]

You know, he had hair on his back in the PE showers when he was 11. Like. Yeah, he was that profile for sure.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I think his first movie, you could see the hair on his back. I mean, think about coming out of his neck.

[Jay Duplass]

Valley Girl.

[Mark Duplass]

Yes, Valley Girl.

[Kira Sultanovich]

He wore a tank top in that.

[Jay Duplass]

He had that power V chest hair

[Adam Carolla]

coming out of the couch.

[Mark Duplass]

I mean, moonstruck. He was, you know, he was a love interest to share. It was, what, at least 15 years?

[Jay Duplass]

At least. But they were weird.

[Mark Duplass]

They were playing it even.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It is a weird timing, peaky kind of thing. It is weird that testosterone ironically gives you a bunch of hair on your back, but your head thins out.

[Jay Duplass]

It's like real bummer.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It's that kind of Lou Grant syndrome, you know, just big, big forearms with lots of hair. Vic Taidback syndrome, you know, just lots of hair pushing out through the wife beater, but nothing on top of that.

[Jay Duplass]

It's a similar phenomenon of the guy with the really hairy arms that go halfway up his bicep and then he takes off his shirt and then there's

[Adam Carolla]

just smooth, no hair.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

But, yeah, what's happening there it is weird, though. I think if we talk to early man about our obsession with hair, they would probably not understand it, but probably take it to mean we're out of real fucking problems. Like, they'd just be. There's a lot of manscaping. We'd have to explain that. Ladies doing a lot of waxing, guys doing a lot of plucking. Lots of obsessions about, did that guy use Rogaine? Did he get plugs? What's he doing?

[Mark Duplass]

It's true. I have this weird thing where I've had a beard for six or seven years and I've weirdly gotten in my head about it because now I look at all other guys and I'm like, it's weird that you guys wake up and shave your face every morning in order to look like you haven't hit puberty yet.

[Caller John]

There's three of us.

[Mark Duplass]

That's what's like. This is what the normal world does. But in my head, I'm like, it's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have the black man's beard, and it itches like I look like fucking Walt Frazier. I don't sh. And it itches.

[Jay Duplass]

It itches.

[Adam Carolla]

And all I want to do is take a hot towel and put it on my. Like a moist, warm towel and rub my face. It's like a constant itching. There's at least three weeks of break in with Brian. You ever do a beard?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well, yes, Yes, I have done thick beards, but I shave once a week for the exact same reasons. Like, I don't want to. I don't want to go through the whole thing of the shaving every day question, though.

[Jay Duplass]

Why did you feel like you had to say thick beards? Like, were you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did we not have beards that are your beards? Could I not grow a beard, too,

[Brian Bishop]

if I want you to? I didn't want you to think that it was an accidental beard. This is a beard that grew over the course of like a month.

[Adam Carolla]

But what I have is like. Like in Yiddish where they say like, hair shirt or something like that. Like, I wear a patch of pubes on my face. And, like, I, like, that is my burden, you know?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Have you ever tried to grow out a beard?

[Adam Carolla]

I. We just had a picture of me on Fox. Something Gary can put back up with with the beard, but very collegiate.

[Jay Duplass]

What is happening?

[Kira Sultanovich]

I want to take your Story 101 class. Umbrea Scantron.

[Adam Carolla]

I know people think you're.

[Jay Duplass]

This is the guy who. Who gets on the plane in the Thriller and turns out Even though he was nice and kind of even seducing the lead character's wife, he's the bad guy.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Jay Duplass]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Because it's the. It's the. More gray. More of the salt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Does it give away your.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. My beard has gone just about all gray. But beards are weird because that's the other thing, too. It's like, why are your eyebrows jet black and the hair that's four inches below it completely whited out?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Or people have the red beard. Have you seen the guy that has, like.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen the blonde guys with the red beards.

[Mark Duplass]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which makes us know that there's also red downstairs, too. It's called a tell.

[Jay Duplass]

They need to get their shit together. They're just. They're growing in different ways and different colors. It's just not healthy.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I blame the hormones in our food. That's what it is. I've been with my husband 11 years. I've never seen this. What is it the. Not the goatee? No, it's the point, Dex. Is that what it's called? It's the. On top, the mustache, and then the. Down the sides, and then just on the chin.

[Mark Duplass]

That's the handlebar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Right.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But he has a chit. Like, it's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he doing it?

[Kira Sultanovich]

I've never seen that part of his face. He's had it forever.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, no, that's a man.

[Kira Sultanovich]

No, no, no.

[Brian Bishop]

The handlebars are like Raleigh fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Duplass]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Handlebar comes down. He has like.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's the mustache. It comes down, and then it's the chin.

[Mark Duplass]

That's a goatee.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But the goatee is just the goat. Right.

[Mark Duplass]

And the chin.

[Kira Sultanovich]

All of it. Are you positive? Google somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Google it. Well, then there's the guys that freak out. Like. Like the aforementioned Manny Pacquiao and the Mark Wahlberg who don't shave, I don't think, and just naturally get a mustache and a goatee. But there's nothing in the chops department for them. Right. Are they doing that, or is it just not coming in?

[Jay Duplass]

That is just the way that the cookie crumbled for that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's about as thick a beard as ever had.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I like that.

[Jay Duplass]

When you said thick, I thought you were trying to overcompensate for the fact that you had a naturally thin beard,

[Lee Chang]

but that's a nice.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you verify that?

[Jay Duplass]

I'm verifying. That's a thick.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's like a Soviet grandmother thick.

[Mark Duplass]

That's like an 8.3 playoff beard scheme.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're in the Stanley Cup. Togetherness.

[Jay Duplass]

Togetherness.

[Adam Carolla]

How did this come about? And nice job, by the way. I've just been watching episodes. It's got a lot of nice names in it and some. Some boobies as well, which is kind of sweet.

[Jay Duplass]

And couple of testicles.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple testicles. And just good writing.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I hope a couple. Don't they come in?

[Jay Duplass]

Not always. Not always.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Tough break.

[Jay Duplass]

Horse riding.

[Adam Carolla]

How did it. How did it come about? And could there be a better place in hbo?

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, I mean, it is. It is really kind of tailor made for them. And I mean, it's. It's definitely one of the more personal stories that we've told in the last 10 years. The first movie we made was this tiny little, like, $10,000 movie we made that came out of Sundance 10 years ago called the Puffy Chair. And it was. It was basically born out of something we were going through, which was we were all in our mid-20s, me, Jay, all of our friends, and we were all in relationships, and we were all thinking, okay, am I going to marry this person or break up with them? Because if I'm not going to marry them, I better fucking get out of this now and cut my losses and not waste my good years on them. And so we kept having that collective conversation, and we made a movie about it. And togetherness. Similarly, for our late 30s. We were just finding these two groups of people and our friends. They were the married people who were just getting their asses kicked by parenthood and by children and completely lost touch romantically with their spouses and with themselves because they're just drowning in early parenthood. And then there were also the other friends who didn't have any romantic or professional traction yet. And they were like, oh, my God, I'm turning 40. I'm almost halfway through, and I have done nothing. And I'm gonna die with my magic inside of me, and I'm freaking out. And we just kept hearing these stories over and over again at dinner parties. And normally that's what we make a movie out of. And this one was, like, felt too big for a movie. So we're like, well, let's, you know, think about doing a TV show.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys just got back from Sundance, right?

[Jay Duplass]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys are kind of. I'll call you the darlings of Sundance. I mean, go over there and do it like that independent film.

[Jay Duplass]

We prefer czars or king.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never been to Sundance.

[Jay Duplass]

What's good for you?

[Adam Carolla]

What's it like over There.

[Mark Duplass]

It's cold, very cold. It's interesting because, you know, when we first started going to Sundance, we were taking little short films and like our movie the Puffy Chair and it was very like wide eyed. We couldn't get into any parties. We just go to our screens, just hope that someone would buy our movie. And in a weird way, we had no power and it was very, very, very magical to us at the time. Now it's different because we are, we executive produced three movies and we brought a television show that we actually are in the process of selling, but we essentially made a TV show independently.

[Adam Carolla]

So can you bring a TV show to Sundance?

[Mark Duplass]

You can now?

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah. We just talked to them. We're like, let's talk about this concept of independent television and why can't a TV show be sold here? And they were really into it, so they, they did it with us, which is cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting. And why not?

[Jay Duplass]

Why not? I mean, it's the same format, we're just.

[Mark Duplass]

Sure, you know, but it's a lot of hard work.

[Jay Duplass]

It's definitely our Sundance. As opposed to 10 years ago, which was meeting new people and seeing movies. We had three movies and a TV show. We spent about 18 to 20 hours a day inside of a hotel room in sales meetings, selling our movies. It's like the least magical experience you can imagine, that being said as a place to birth your career. And these movies that we executive produce with these first time directors and we're watching them go through, through it, that shit is so rewarding. Like, if we have anything to offer now, it's like, oh, we've kind of been through this a couple of times. So we can shepherd young people through that and that's really great.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I imagine it's good for business. I mean, people want you to, if you're a director or writer, you want to get hooked up with you guys so that you can end up at Sundance.

[Jay Duplass]

That's a big part of our powerful brand is like, if you can't get your movie made for a lot of money with someone else, go to the Duplass Brothers, they'll give you $12 and hopefully you'll get in a Sundance. That's kind of what we're known for. For better or for worse in the

[Adam Carolla]

digital world now, you just don't need what you needed before. And when you have a good script and good performers. And by the way, I think people just want to do good now. I mean, everyone wants a payday, but they also will take 18 days and shoot something that's just good, too. You got that? I mean, I feel like most these people are sort of artists at heart. They just get drawn toward the dark side. You know, they get agents and managers and corporations, and they're working on whatever part two or part three or whatever made up nickel 15 years ago. But in their heart, they would like to work with you guys and work with good directors and writers and do really cool material.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, I mean, Sundance is interesting because it has traditionally been known as a springboard to get yourself into Hollywood. You make one independent film, and it was hard, and you toiled for no money, and then you go to LA and you make money, but we kind of see it as its own ecosystem where you actually can make movies at a price point, where they actually are profitable when you sell them at Sundance. And that's kind of how we've made our careers. And I guess we have, like, a little foot in Hollywood. Like, yeah, we do a show for 8 HBO. And that's great because, like, our children can go to school and we can have a house, and that's important. But most of the work we're doing is really in the independent sphere, and we kind of continuously stay there because it's just like. I don't know, it's just more fun for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys first get the script, or how does it work in terms of you being attracted to a project?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Mark Duplass]

It's a weird way that stuff comes to us because we never had an agenda that we. We would produce stuff. I mean, like, the fact that Mark and I even got a movie into Sundance was, like, exceeded our wildest dreams. It just started by the fact that we had figured out how to make movies that were good, which is a hard thing to figure out. And we were interested in helping other people, and our friends kind of started coming to us and being like, hey, I don't know what I'm doing right here. Can you help us out? So we just started helping people, and it's really. It started with our friends, and it really hasn't progressed much beyond that.

[Jay Duplass]

It's kind of the same thing. Like, our. We were the first, like, artists in our group of friends that started to make a little bit of money, you know, and. And so they would be like, I need seven grand to finish my movie. And they knew we had money, so they would come to us and we would give it to them. And then we would do what we normally do, which is we'd read their scripts and give them thoughts and watch their edits and give them thoughts. And then eventually we're like, I think this is what producers do.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Duplass]

So we don't, like, have a production company with, like an office where people. People send us scripts and we read them.

[Mark Duplass]

Like, we don't literally have offices. We still work out of our houses. Yeah.

[Jay Duplass]

And we just. We're friends with lots of filmmakers and they come to us and they say, you know, I've got this movie going, or we'll have an idea and we'll say, you know what, this is great for Ed because he does this so well, and we just kind of arts and crafts build it. I mean, the. If you would see the documentation on our movies and what the budgets look like. It's just like notebooks and badly put together Microsoft Word documents. And, you know, it's very unofficial, but it's kind of how we like doing things.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is definitely working because. And again, we'll get into the movie they shot at my house later on when it comes out in June, I think maybe guys come back and we'll talk it up. But I know that worked out nicely, and it's with some friends of mine. And I can't wait to see it, by the way, because my house is in it. So I want to. I want to see character.

[Jay Duplass]

Beware, though, you know, because when you see things that happen in your house, you, Things don't always look the way your house looks.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm Christian, but I'm not uptight. You know, I don't look at myself. It's not. I'm not an everyday church.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam Kroll doesn't look at Adam Kroll

[Adam Carolla]

as uptight Twice a week. Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

How do you make the puppy chair for $10,000?

[Jay Duplass]

I mean, nobody gets paid. And it's this system we talk about that we call the available material system school of filmmaking, which is you don't write a script and figure out how to make it. You look at what you have available to yourself, and you reverse engineer and back yourself into something so that at that time, I was playing in bands and I had a van. We had Jay's apartment. We had my apartment. My wife was from a small town, and her dad was like the black bag doctor that everybody loved. So we knew we could go there and shoot and people would, like, welcome us and we could shoot at the hotel for free.

[Mark Duplass]

Not only do they let you shoot for free, but they ask if they can come out with their family and be extras for free. Working in small towns helps a lot. I Mean, there's just a lot of things that you just use to your advantage. But, I mean, ultimately, you just pay for what you have to pay for. In that case, it was gasoline and pizza. Like, if you feed people pizza and you're making good stuff, people will come and work with you. And you have to pay for gasoline so the vehicles can get to the places they need to go.

[Jay Duplass]

And the key to, you know, keep your community tight is. Is you. You have to share your back end with everybody. So when that movie sells and make some money, you know, you. You.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I thought it was a gay thing.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, yeah. It's a community thing, people.

[Adam Carolla]

Happy pizza in a little back end.

[Brian Bishop]

Time to share the back end.

[Jay Duplass]

We'll do that.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I like to reverse engineer sometimes. My first kid, he charged you guys, though, right? To shoot at his house? Yeah, I mean, he's a businessman.

[Jay Duplass]

No, you did. You did for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But I charge.

[Jay Duplass]

It was brutal, man. I gotta be honest with you. It was pretty fucking brutal. And that's why I'm here. And that's what we're gonna talk about.

[Kira Sultanovich]

They need office space now, so they're here to collect.

[Mark Duplass]

The other thing we talk about, too, like with budgeting these films, is like, if you are trying to make a film for nothing, and you start with, like a line item budget, you know, that's like 38 pages. You're gonna fill every line item with stuff. And our philosophy is, like, you just start with a blank sheet of loose leaf paper and you just write down the shit that has to be paid for, and that's your budget. And you are gonna go over that a little bit. But it's getting out of the mindset of, like, we're setting up this machine to make this epic thing, and it's like, no, we're just people trying to make a piece of art. We're gonna do it as cheaply and as simply as we can.

[Jay Duplass]

Well, I don't know if your audience knows this, but we're in Adam Carolla's bathroom right now, and that's okay.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's a huge bathroom.

[Jay Duplass]

It's a huge bath.

[Adam Carolla]

Sherry's berries, by the way, should be in everyone's budget this year. Valentine's Day is right around the corner. See how I did that? Giant, juicy strawberries dipped in white and milk chocolate topped off with the chips and the swizzles and the nuts. $19.99 or double the berries for just 10 bucks more. Only one way to get this amazing Valentine's deal. Visit berries.com. click the microphone, top right hand corner and type in Ace. That's right. Ace said to type in Ace. That's B E R R I E S dot com. Click the microphone and enter the code ace. All right, should we do a little news? Kira and you guys hang out and crack wise and we'll do about that. The Adam Carolla show, Your source for the news that matters, or random stories that piss Adam off.

[Kira Sultanovich]

All right, so everyone watched the super bowl, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Kira Sultanovich]

And yes. Yes. All right. And the Seahawks. Baldwin was fined for an obscene gesture in the Super Bowl. I know you guys talked about the other day, but you were curious what that fine was.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was going to be a ton.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Do you want to take a guess?

[Adam Carolla]

I know what it is. Oh, you know what it is?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Do you guys want to take a guess? Did you see what he did?

[Jay Duplass]

Well, are we talking. Are we talking about a ton for relative to normal people or a ton relative to the salary he makes?

[Adam Carolla]

You could make a puffy chair.

[Jay Duplass]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And an ottoman.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, I was assuming those kinds of fines that come in like anywhere from like 15 to $50,000 would be the range.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I would guess you're actually pretty close. Actually, it's less than what I thought. He was fined $11,000, 11,025 for making an obscene gesture after his touchdown, which I didn't even see because I didn't get a chance to cut away. They cut away and it looked like. Do you remember? The gesture was like he was squatting,

[Adam Carolla]

taking a shit, shitting out a ball. And Brian thought it wouldn't be that much. And I said, oh, it's got to be a. You can't have anyone do this. This is the Super Bowl. You can't. You must, you must set a precedent here, which is. No. Obscene. Anything on the Super Bowl. Bob Bryant's right, everybody. $11,000. It's first off.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's not bad.

[Adam Carolla]

11,025.

[Brian Bishop]

Oddly specific.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think they do it like, you know, when the plumber comes in and he doesn't want to go, give me 500. So he goes, it'll be 487.83. And you go, that sounds really like you thought about it. But he didn't write anything down. And he knows if he just goes, give me $500. You go, what the fuck? $500? You're gonna be here half a day. No way. But if he goes 487.83. You go, alright. He must base that on something.

[Mark Duplass]

Also the 487.83 has more to do with a checkbook, which you don't. That's just white paper and a pen. $500. You imagine five $100 bills going down, and you're not cool with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very true. But the idea is, to me, first off, the Hannah finds all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know if he has a big fat contract or what he's getting paid, but either way, super bowl, with billions of people watching around the planet on the world, that it would be $11,000, which it's like, I don't know. That's like medium sized town DUI price, you know, I mean, let's assume he's

[Jay Duplass]

probably making, you know, one to two million dollars a year. This is a wild guess. But he's a. He is.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Minimum.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a starting wide receiver in the NFL.

[Jay Duplass]

He's. And he's overperforming, Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Figure it out.

[Jay Duplass]

So that puts it at about 0.05% to 0.1% of his salary.

[Adam Carolla]

I just figured what they would do is go slap him with something huge. And let's not have anybody try anything vulgar again during the Super Bowl.

[Brian Bishop]

This amount makes me look smart, so I should admit this, but you said, oh, it's me, about a million dollars. And I said, no way. Way less. I was thinking, whatever it was, I was like, oh, It'll be like 40 or 50,000. This is oddly small.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think I said a million. I said, they're gonna have to charge him a lot to really make an example. Like, I was gonna be a big fine.

[Jay Duplass]

So you're looking for the. The somebody stole something from the candy store, but because it was on the super bowl, you have to chop their wrist off so no one will do it again kind of thing. Yeah, the Singapore. The, like, really, really hit it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we got to give them a good caning.

[Kira Sultanovich]

If it's only 11,000, everyone's gonna be pooping balls. I'll poop a ball. Why not? Yeah, I know you guys have the money. I can come to you guys and borrow it.

[Jay Duplass]

You know, they gotta be on the back end because we would be like, should we make another movie or should we poop a ball? Like, let's fucking poop a ball.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you can do it. It's called dropping a duke.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But either way, for 11 grand, seems like a bargain.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. More ball pooping, please.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's $11,025 is the league minimum penalty they can levy. So that's why.

[Jay Duplass]

That's how they came with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Why in this world of nothing but sort of cleaning up the NFL's image, do we go with the league minimum for shitting out a ball in the Super Bowl?

[Brian Bishop]

My theory is that he can claim, oh, I was laying an egg or I was keeping it. There's other things he can say that he was shitting. Well, he can wiped his ass, he

[Adam Carolla]

can say whatever he wants. But he did the pulling the pants down and just to pulling the pants down enough is probably enough to get.

[Kira Sultanovich]

He made the effort to squat a little bit, get like a good position, hip position, grimace.

[Adam Carolla]

So much more than humans don't lay eggs. And he's not playing for the Seattle Chicken Hawks. You know what I mean? He's playing.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Do they still penalize you for doing the. Dougie, remember they weren't letting players dance. Also after touchdown.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what you can't do. You can, you can. You gotta keep your helmet on.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

You can't go to the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

You can go to the ground if it's a religious thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, like take a knee like a T bowing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Like you're sucking off a priest.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Lee Chang]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

To simulate oral on a man in a cloth.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Like a Mecca, like face Mecca type of thing. Like get a carpet out and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, no, you can drop down, but you better very quickly bow and do whatever. Yeah, yeah. So you can do that if it's a religious thing.

[Matt Achity]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

And they don't like all the taunting. And there's no more neck slitting.

[Brian Bishop]

Nope, no slashing.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't do that. I think we can thank ISIS for ruining that.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks. Thanks a lot, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, guys. Another thing, this would be really cool when they do that neck thing, especially when they're in the other guy's house. Yeah, I mean, like the whole dog pound was going nuts and the guy from the Steelers was doing the neck thing. Yeah, neck slashing used to be a pirate move, so it was kind of cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we didn't hear that.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't think the neck slashing thing would take carry into 2015.

[Brian Bishop]

We're still doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking ISIS is ruined it. They really have.

[Brian Bishop]

What's next? The finger over the sh. That's great for the visiting crowd too.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Or like the backhand where you're gonna like, you know, like hit a kid type of thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Or a wife.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Why don't you ever see this like in other sports, like tennis. They never do this in tennis. They don't ever like, you know, score big and then like poop out.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, not all of them.

[Kira Sultanovich]

There are the.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Williams, do you know PDW is Pete or Paul Weber or whatever. He was like that guy but for bowling. He was the guy who would bowl a strike and then go like woo.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He'd be doing the whole end zone dance. He was like that guy but for bowling. Do you know who that is?

[Jay Duplass]

That's like Ernie McCracken.

[Caller John]

Yes.

[Jay Duplass]

Bill Murray there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just everything as though taking a turn for the whatever. Because like back in the day Denver had the fun bunch. It was like the guys would get. They like partying in the end zone and now it's just a bunch of dropping the ball and crossing your arms and posing and kind of.

[Caller John]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you, everyone. Everything's taking a weird.

[Jay Duplass]

There is no celebration. It is a little bit angry at what's happening there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I like the celebration part. Yeah.

[Mark Duplass]

All I think about is the NFL and what they're desiring with all of this stuff. It's like they're trying to maintain the image of the NFL, but it's not really the image of that. They're just trying to like save money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Duplass]

I think is ultimately when they're trying to sell more jerk. They're trying to. It's all about the business of it, of course. But it's interesting that they're always trying to like sort of like headlock these players. We like bred these guys to be testosterone ridden. Just like monster to destroy people.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Duplass]

But. Oh, dude, he's a good looking man.

[Jay Duplass]

The hairline alone. Oh, that's enough for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, nice hook on that ball. Oh, wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah.

[Caller John]

You know what?

[Kira Sultanovich]

You know what he wants now?

[Jay Duplass]

You know what he's saying?

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's his end zone dance.

[Kira Sultanovich]

How much money did he make for that? I think they make 11,000 their entire career.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, I. I gotta say this. If you're a professional. Look, if you're me and you're at Kirkwood Bowling alley and you're fucking drunk and you hit a strike, go ahead and celebrate. If you are in a profession where if you don't get a strike, something's wrong.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to celebrate that much.

[Jay Duplass]

That's a really good point.

[Mark Duplass]

That's really probably the biggest viewership problem with bowling is that if you don't get a strike, you're a fucking idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mark Duplass]

Basically, if you don't bowl a 300, it's just a bummer.

[Jay Duplass]

There's nowhere to go but down.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nowhere to go but down. You can't break 300, Gary. What's Dougie Doug make a year? Have you figured that one out yet?

[Allison Rosen]

Not quite yet.

[Lee Chang]

We're still looking.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Still weird. That just gets the minimum. All I can think of. Here's my semi nefarious NFL thought on this. Let's level the fine. Let's make it the minimum. Let's get it. People still be talking about the game. This will make the back page, and it'll all be done with. Like, it won't be a lot of, we want 100,000. Then his guy's going on, and then the next thing you know, this guy's doing an interview with Oprah explaining that he's being exploited and just to fucking charge him the minimum. And let's move on.

[Jay Duplass]

Let's keep it quiet on page nine, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not get into this. Let's not drag this out with a bunch of back and forth. Let's see. He's going to earn between 16 and 19.5 million over the next three years.

[Mark Duplass]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah.

[Jay Duplass]

So he's doing all right.

[Kira Sultanovich]

So this is. Yeah, he could have pooped a couple more times.

[Adam Carolla]

He really should have gone like rabbit.

[Mark Duplass]

It's like running a red light and they give you a ticket for a quarter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's really what this is.

[Mark Duplass]

That's what we're talking about.

[Jay Duplass]

So basically, he's going to take a real shit on opening day next year on the field. That's what it says, is what this has ordained.

[Adam Carolla]

What this says to this Christian podcaster is he has now given the brown light for every child in America to defecate in the end zone after every score and every Pop Warner in Little League football game around this great country. That's what it says to this podcast.

[Kira Sultanovich]

That's right, kids. So keep those bowels moving. Get some more fiber in your diet before the game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. One day you'll be shitting in the end. So that's the dream. All right, what else we got?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Well, we have something that I am definitely going to look into. Talk about pooping. There is something called a therapy kangaroo. And woman out of Wisconsin wasn't happy when she was told to leave McDonald's in Beaver Dam. Of course it's called beaver dam.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we need the dam? Beaver? We'll do the dam math. Beaver skyscraper.

[Kira Sultanovich]

She was in McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Beaver yacht.

[Brian Bishop]

Beaver fence.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll do the damn math with the beaver.

[Kira Sultanovich]

With her Support kangaroo, who you can see here in this picture, very nicely dressed, like he's going to court.

[Brian Bishop]

Sharply dressed.

[Allison Rosen]

They match.

[Kira Sultanovich]

The police told Diane Moyer she had to leave the restaurant after a customer complained about Jimmy the eight month old kangaroo she had sitting in an infant car seat.

[Brian Bishop]

Who's gonna complain about that?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Why would you complain about a therapy kangaroo? Did he not wear his vest? You got to wear the therapy vest. Well, then it's illegal. Then I would have said something.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple. Couple things. First off, I look, when you're nutty, anything, you know, sea monkeys can be your support system because it's called being nuts. Okay? So this is nuts. And now you can claim you can't leave the house without your sea monkeys because you're nuts. And then next thing you know, you're sitting next to me on a fucking Southwest flight with your fucking bowl of sea monkeys because you're nuts. So technically, they're right. The part where they forget is the part where they're insane. So they need this to travel.

[Kira Sultanovich]

But if an insane person can't go to McDonald's, then where can they go?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, what are we, a tavern on the green over here? We're eating McNuggets. There's a fucking kangaroo. This is the best McDonald's trip ever.

[Mark Duplass]

It's the best thing that ever happened at that McDonald's.

[Brian Bishop]

There's probably kangaroo in the McNuggets.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You have the hamburglar and merrimac cheese. These are all the grimace. These are crazy mascots. Now you have an actual kangaroo. A solid, fun animal.

[Brian Bishop]

Marsupial.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And in terms of like, like entertainment. I understand dogs are pretty dime a dozen and cats and all that kind of stuff, but kangaroo I would actually be happy about. Now, I don't like the fact that we've crafted a society where insane women get to take their support, fill in the blank wherever the fuck they go. But I am interested in that whistleblower and how much were that whistleblower's kids trying to hold them back? Like, hey, there's a kangaroo over there. Awesome. I'm gonna go talk. Mom, no.

[Mark Duplass]

The worst ruining of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. You want to talk about something to discuss in a therapist's office when you're in your 40s? My mom blew the whistle on a kangaroo at the McDonald's in Beaver Dam.

[Jay Duplass]

Playing devil's advocate, what are the chances that that kangaroo was causing more sonic ruckus than the average kid who would be in a car seat at McDonald's?

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Jay Duplass]

I might venture to say, based on the picture I just saw that, that it's a wash.

[Kira Sultanovich]

I would believe her more if that wasn't a therapy kangaroo. But like her bodyguard kangaroo. Because they can pack a punch, you know, that way. It's like, look, I need a bodyguard. I feel my life is threatened here at McDonald's. And I have this. You know, what's wrong with that?

[Jay Duplass]

But it was in the car seat. He was restrained. I assume he was buckled because he's vicious.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah, he's a boxing kangaroo.

[Jay Duplass]

I think you let the kangaroo stay at McDonald's, he's buckled. It's this woman's got her thing.

[Caller John]

What?

[Jay Duplass]

We got bigger fish to fry right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Jay Duplass]

Callao fish, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Aren't real fish.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I used to work at the McDonald's in Studio City.

[Kira Sultanovich]

You did? So real fish. Can you vouch?

[Mark Duplass]

What did you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I took a piss in the freezer.

[Kira Sultanovich]

$11,000.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember thinking very vividly, I was like 15 and a half. And you'd go down to the basement. The basement is where they had the washer, dryer and the uniforms and stuff. The weird, like, burnt orange polyester and stuff. First thing I had to do was. Ken, my manager, told me I had to watch this instructional video and Instructional video. The only thought. I don't remember any part of it other than they did a recreation of like a takeover type robbery where guys came running in with stockings on their head and yelled like, give me what's in the cash register with AK47s. And the whole point of the video was, if anything like this happens, just comply. Open the cash register, Give them what they want. Do not try to struggle with them or fight with them. And I always. I remember at the time thinking, I'm getting $2.41 a fucking hour. Do you think I'm going over the top of the counter and yelling, not on my watch. Listen, I know you're instantly dive at the guy with the bullets flying in the air.

[Mark Duplass]

Exactly.

[Jay Duplass]

You're gonna have to fight every urge in your body to protect your McDonald's, but really, you need to comply.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a weird thing. Cause, like, I would just be in a fetal position in the back and. Or possibly jumping.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Into the primer van with them yelling,

[Mark Duplass]

take me with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I certainly wouldn't be fighting these gents. That. That. Done and done. We didn't need a video for that. That's the only thing I remember.

[Kira Sultanovich]

You shouldn't fight in polyester. You'll just start a fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Brush burns alone, I did not work the cash register. I had to work the grill. Had to do sweeps and mops of the outdoor dining area and the indoor dining area, where you go, you know, sweep it up and then mop it up. And people moving their feet, you know, you're mopping, and it was sad.

[Jay Duplass]

How much did you like fast food going in and what happened to you after you worked there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was. I was always an animal. My greatest moment is when the filet o fish, the aforementioned filet o fish, would sit too long in the heat tray. Like, somebody would order them or they would overestimate the run on filet o fish. And there'd be seven of them, and they sat there for over an hour. They'd have to chuck them. I always volunteered for that detail. And I would carry them out to the dumpster on the side that had that weird. What is that smell of the dumpster at the restaurant? That's a little bit sweet. Yeah, there's nauseating, but it's sweet. You wouldn't call it ass. And it's not sewage.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's got a.

[Mark Duplass]

It's a very distinct smell. The mats at a restaurant also have the same smell.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a greasy sweetness.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It's like a chlamydia meets baby vomit.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it's got. It's a little.

[Mark Duplass]

It's got.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a little tangy.

[Brian Bishop]

The sweetness is the last little bits of coke and seven up thrown away.

[Adam Carolla]

It's something. I used to clean carpets at restaurants, and that would smell just a little bit sweet. But anyway, you're standing by the dumpster, and you're thinking, how many of these can I fucking swallow and keister before Ken, my manager, gets suspicious and wants to know why it took me 20 minutes to throw away food at the dumpster and I'm just folding them and shoving them into my face.

[Mark Duplass]

Mark and I used to eat the back half of steaks at a restaurant we worked at in Austin.

[Jay Duplass]

We were busboys, and people would eat

[Mark Duplass]

like, a quarter of a steak, and so we just pull it off the plate and just eat the back half

[Adam Carolla]

before we put it.

[Mark Duplass]

But it was.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done that with room service trays. And that's, you know, in the hallway this year. Yeah, like, those are fries. And that's a. That's an unmolested strawberry sitting right there. There's nothing wrong with that. No. One bit into it and push it, pieced it back together or anything.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't like saltines.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And sometimes there's like grapes and saltines and shit out there. If it's broken off, like fish sticks or something. And the guy ate three of them, but there are two laying there. Fuck it. Pizza.

[Jay Duplass]

The easiest thing in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What the. Who does that with the steak and the stuff? Who is so cavalier about the pizza?

[Mark Duplass]

8th of their room service food that costs $85?

[Adam Carolla]

I cannot.

[Jay Duplass]

I don't understand.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Listen, the craziest thing is every once in a while you get that pot of coffee and it's like $22 and it's time to meet down in the lobby and the van's leaving or whatever, and you go, fuck it. There's $11 worth of. And you're trying to, like, dump it down your throat and stuff. Like, I cannot throw this away. It's going to be cold and worthless when I get back. But it costs $23. It cannot be thrown down the drain.

[Jay Duplass]

I think the person who only eats the bite of that $85 steak is someone who is on a business trip and they hate their company so much that they're working for. And they've given them a per diem at the hotel. They're maxing out, and it's a grudge fuck with the steak. It's like, I'm going to get back at them and I'm gonna use every piece of per diem they're giving me.

[Mark Duplass]

I would venture to say that none of those people have worked at McDonald's or a shitty restaurant where they had

[Adam Carolla]

to eat the back, possibly attacked and violated by a cow at some point. It's not something that's highly reported on.

[Mark Duplass]

No, it's happened, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because there's. Obviously, there's a shame factor, and people just don't report these kinds of crimes. But for those of us. I mean, those who know people who've been violated, you know.

[Kira Sultanovich]

So you're saying it's a vendetta? They don't even find every one of your brothers. Could be.

[Adam Carolla]

You could be a relative, right? Hopefully it's you. Each time, you know, it makes the hurt inside go away just a little bit. Anyway, I'm sorry, where were we? Where were we?

[Kira Sultanovich]

Well, we have more news.

[Adam Carolla]

Who raped a cow? Give me another one.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Who didn't rape a cow, Right? We all went to college.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you. Let me tell you something real quick. I am excited about this new show on Spike. Coaching Bad Ray Lewis, by the way, stars, okay?

[Mark Duplass]

Whoa.

[Brian Bishop]

I assume this is a drama or comedy.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Drama.

[Adam Carolla]

It is about taking these coaches who are just out of control with like their anger management issues and getting into trouble at home and getting trouble with their teams and coaching them up. And it is compelling as show.

[Jay Duplass]

Is Ray Lewis going to coach them?

[Adam Carolla]

He is going to take these nine out of control coaches. He gets eight weeks and he puts them through an anger management therapy thing. And it's just insane. I mean, first it's coaches out on the field screaming at girls softball team, stuff like that.

[Brian Bishop]

You got to just sold me right there. This is the coaches screaming at the kids that I've watched. What's it called again?

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Coaching Bad Ray Lewis and Dr. Conte is the name of the guy does the anger management stuff. And I just watched like a two minute trailer of it and I was like, I'm in.

[Jay Duplass]

You know, you're not even here right now. You're just, you're there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a million miles away on a soccer field getting yelled at. Sunday, February 8, at 10 o', clock, 9 Central, right after a new episode of Bar Rescue.

[Brian Bishop]

That's this Sunday?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that is this Sunday. Be watching. Ray Lewis is one of those guys that is the most intense human being on the planet. And I don't think he has a dial that turns himself down.

[Brian Bishop]

No. Whether he's talking about God or dancing or in the end zone or he's talking about protecting this house, he's doing it all the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Duplass]

What's fueling all of that? Where does that come from?

[Adam Carolla]

Dear Everson. No, I sit now as a father. I take my son and my daughter to their basketball games. I sit up in the very highest stand. I bring my little buck slips and I write down jokes so I can make fun of them when I get to the podcast. And every once in a while, you know, the kid double dribbles but the ref doesn't call it. Or the ball's off the other kid's shin, but they say it's my son's shin. And I just sit there and there's nothing to do. And there's like a little impulse that makes you kind of want to go, hey, I was off his shin.

[Matt Achity]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's a, it's a very. It's like when you're driving and somebody cuts you off and you go, hey, mother. But you don't get out of the car and you don't ram him and you don't fire a warning shot over your head. Like you just sit There.

[Jay Duplass]

It's like that strongman test at the circus. Like, you know, you hit. You hit that bell and it goes up a little bit, then it comes back down. Whenever Ray Lewis gets touched, it shoots straight to the fucking top. There's nothing else.

[Adam Carolla]

Rocket ship to the. To Mars. And. And it's such a weird impulse. And I see other parents, men and women. There's plenty of women, like, screaming at their kids and no, shoot, shoot, shoot. No, don't pan. And it's like, first off, have you no self awareness? Like, do you not know that other people in this gymnasium are hearing you scream your son's name and yell, shoot the ball. Shoot the ball. Shoot the ball. And we're all drawing focus toward you. Now we know who your kid is. And now we see you screaming every time. Like, it's just a weird impulse. I get it. Like I said, there's that momentary thing when it's like, hey, that ball was off the other kid. But it goes away very quickly.

[Mark Duplass]

It's like lack of self awareness, lack of stuff going on in your own life. It's like there's so many things that have to come together for this to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're all over the place.

[Mark Duplass]

There's tons and tons and tons of them. Yeah.

[Kira Sultanovich]

What about the parents that are like, get them. Get them. Like, crush him. And they're talking about your kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kira Sultanovich]

You're like, no, no, don't. Don't crush him. Let's be cool. Let's not be douchey. Like, no, tackle him. Destroy him.

[Adam Carolla]

Finish him.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Like, it's Mortal Kombat. And it's just. It's. We're eight.

[Adam Carolla]

I. It's. It's weird. I always say, if it doesn't make you money and it doesn't make you happy, fucking forget it. I don't know. I know my son's not going to the NBA. Yeah, I don't have that much wrapped up into this. Honestly, it be one of the times that if I had a doppelganger, I would definitely send him to go look interested up in the top row of the stands. And I could stay Home and watch SportsCenter. So I don't know what the huge investment is.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah, it's a DNA difference, I think, as a litmus test. Like, if you sit Ray Lewis in front of the Karate Kid and we're all watching that together and we're following Daniel Sonomiyagi, he's looking at the head teacher from the Cobra Kai's as the protagonist of the film and as the moral center. And that's the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

I must say, I'd like to crowdfund that. I think if I could raise, like, $35,000, I could get Ray Lewis to come to my house and we could watch Karate Kid together.

[Mark Duplass]

Or we could remake the film Rashomon style from a different perspective.

[Adam Carolla]

My favorite part about that film is he's in the Cobra Kai gym. He's got the one kid on the ground, and Kreese is yelling, finish him.

[Matt Achity]

It's like.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean, like take the cash register out of the front room and smash it over his head? Like, they're 11 years old. They're laying on the back. He's already on his back. What do you mean, finish him? Like, literally stab him with something. What are we talking about? And then what parent is dropping their kid off at the Cobra Kai when the instructor's yelling, finish him when he's on his back?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's a. What can be done at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to see a film, if you want to just sit there with your jaw hanging Open for 97 minutes, watch the Karate Kid. I think it's three or four. I think it's.

[Jay Duplass]

Well, three is the last one with macho three.

[Brian Bishop]

They go. No, two is where they go to Japan. Three is where Kreese gets his buddy to come back.

[Jay Duplass]

And then three, four is the next three Kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Three where Kreese is enjoying his vacation in Maui and his super evil buddy with mini ponytail. All the evil guys had mini ponytails in three. And he's like on the phone going, I don't care how many dolphins we kill. Just dump the toxins. They'd hang up and he'd be like, kreese, I need you back here, buddy. And he's like, I'm gonna get you back on top. And it was like, the premise of the whole thing is that the other dojo keeps winning so he has no business. Let me explain how dojos work. Whatever dojo's fucking closest to my house, that's the dojo that gets my business. They all have a thousand trophies hanging in the window. I don't go in there. And who won the All Valley Shopping dojos, really? You won it three years ago. Who won last year? Really? That's a long drive. But they'll be getting my business. That's not how dojos work for me. It's the closest dojo in a storm. That's where I go. This guy's the craziest rich, most evil rich guy on the planet. He's gonna get Kreese back in town. He's gonna get his business back going because he's gonna defeat the other guy. And it's just. It is crazy cinema.

[Jay Duplass]

It's a long walk to get to the plot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he's a Vietnam buddy. Who's the owner? According to Wikipedia, the owner. Billionaire owner of a toxic waste disposal business.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you, he hates the environment. There seems to be a 20 year age difference between him and Kreese, but they served in the same mud and they spilt the same blood, man. It's like Kreese at the very beginning is getting this like Polynesian rub down, which is clearly just in front of a weird green screen with the Pacific Ocean behind him and some palm fronds like it was. It's really.

[Brian Bishop]

Kreese was 15 years older than that actor.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, there you go.

[Brian Bishop]

15 year difference.

[Adam Carolla]

And that. I don't know if that guy ever worked again.

[Brian Bishop]

That was his first move.

[Kira Sultanovich]

He had the Nick Cage disease.

[Mark Duplass]

He had the blown testosterone.

[Adam Carolla]

He was so, so awesome. All right, let's. Let's bring it home.

[Brian Bishop]

Bald.

[Adam Carolla]

You can forget about that. That was the news on the Adam Carolla show. Ah. All right, let's see. Take a knee with Terry Crews. Not done just yet. Terry Crews is gonna be on. Oh, by the way, you want to talk about Ray Lewis? Terry Crews is basically the sort of evolved into a nice version of Ray Lewis, but God, just the most intense guy and the most motivational guy you ever want to speak to. Anyway, that's up on itunes. You want to check that out? Present me paperback available now. You can get that. You can send in your jackets and we'll sign them and send them back and all that. Just go to AdamColl.com the TV show. Ah, togetherness. HBO, Sundays, 9:30. I highly recommend it. Jay, Mark, thanks for coming in, man. This has been fun.

[Jay Duplass]

Thanks for having us, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Great Kira. Nice job. You can go to akiracomedy.com find out where she's playing. You can shoot her a tweet. Kiracomedy as well. Oh, and Kira's gonna be here tomorrow on as well, so that'll be good. So until next time, Sam Crow for Jay and Mark. Akira and bald saying mahalo.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Look, Russia, you guys are hungry. We'll give you some grains for your Jews.

[Lee Chang]

All right, that's adam Carlo Show 1505 with the duplass brothers. Coming up next, we have adam Crillo show 1113. This one's from 2013 featuring Lee Chang Albert, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you guys enjoy O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the podcast.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Plutofo. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, mean girls.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Shut up, Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more for Showtime's press. Nothing. They're free 24 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And Bald Brian. Daddy, wipe my butt. Oh, them kitties. Miss them kitties. They're out on a little vacation. So.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, who's wiping the butt?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just me and Olga hanging around drinking A little Mangria. Penny for your thoughts, baby. Just unwinding. Lee Chang is coming in here. He's a. I think he's an attorney. Yeah, he's won a couple of victories. Most notably, there was a company that sued Nordstrom's and Macy's and Home Depot for the, like, digital shopping shopping carts Again, more patent rolling stuff. We're on a roll. And he is on a roll because he wants to do away with the scourge. And we're going to get into it with him, and we'll bring him in in a couple of few. First, a few things to get into. What we're going to do is Alison's going to get into our news, since we never. I love doing the news. Although you wouldn't know it if you listen to the show. I really do love doing the news. It's just we have so many interesting guests, and we get into all these other things and all these stories, we somehow just cram it into the last eight minutes of the show. And I would like to hear some more news. So what we thought we would do is bring Lee in after we do the news, and we can get started early with some news. And I know it's the holiday and many of you are on vacation and so on and so forth, so we'll probably do a shorter show tonight. All right, let's do some news. What do you say? The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it

[Kira Sultanovich]

up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, see, and part of the reason we don't get to the news oftentimes is because I have something that I need to say before we get to the news. And once again, it's happened. You just said that.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

If you have any T shirt printed up, it means you're serious. But here's what I want to know. Which means you're most serious. Business card, T shirt or cd?

[Caller John]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

All things that used to mean more when I was a kid. When I was a kid, if somebody said, you know, I'm the Prince of Persia, and I'd go, please, you live above me in an apartment in North Hollywood. If you produced a card that said, Bob Johnson, Prince of Persia, I'd be like, well, takes a big man to apologize, but here goes.

[Brian Bishop]

I knew one guy in high school who had a business card. It just has his name, his phone number on it, and he was Persian.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Really.

[Brian Bishop]

This is unusual for the Bay Area in la. It's much more common in the Bay Area. It was like, oh, this guy's official. I'm not sure what he's official about, but he's official.

[Adam Carolla]

There is something that used to be superficial. Well, it. All right, now, bigger picture. We now need to think of all the things that you formerly didn't used to have at home or didn't have on yourself that now are sort of commonplace. For instance, the Internet. Yeah. No, like there are things like there's no way anyone had a video game, like even a larger video game, or like an arcade style game, like at their house. Or even a popcorn maker for the Corollas. It was like owning your own bowling ball or golf clubs or just anything. Like you wouldn't have the equipment if you played hockey, you wouldn't have all your hockey equipment. You'd rent skates, you wouldn't have skates. Like, I feel like, like it's a little part and parcel of the CDs and the business cards and all that kind of stuff where you just sort of have your own fill in the blank. Maybe it's China, maybe it's buying everything on Amazon.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it used to be that you couldn't even own phones when I was young. You had like very young, you had to rent them.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. You rented them from Ma Bell.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what's maybe a yuppie version of this, but I feel like I see it everywhere, is people making their own soda. It's like you make your own soda. The Soda Stream. I think you have one right now.

[Allison Rosen]

The Soda Stream. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone has their own soda maker.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a very good point. Which is a soda fountain in your house, or at least something close to it would have been insane. Hell, we had a popcorn maker that we got from blue chip trading stamps catalog or something that was considered unbelievable to the Corollas. So there's this whole thing where everyone just has their own thing now. And my daughter ice skates. And she's got her ice skates and she's got the little protective things and she has the little outfit and she has everything she needs. And then. And two years from now she'll get more skates when her feet grow. Although I'm gonna bind them.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's smart. Does she have her own ice skating skate bag? Cause that was my favorite part of paraphernalia, was always the thing that you held it in. Like the Ballet bag.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, if your name was embroidered on said skate bag. Lookout world. So I guess it's a computer or scanners or something. But yeah, T shirts. Back in the day, you could get a T shirt made up. You'd have to go to a place called Chicken shirts or something. There was a few of them out here. They'd hold the thing over a great big press. It's got to be the worst silk screen. It's like. No, not a silk screen. The hot iron press. Worst apparatus for days over 100 degrees job on the planet. That and asphalt spreader, where you like literally. And then you'd take this thing where you'd go, you know, you'd write that thing out where it was like. It'd be like Kimbo's kids. And then it'd be like, Happy 25th anniversary, Grandpa. And then they'd hold the thing down and then it'd be like yellow with red lettering. It'd be that weird vinyl stick on thing. And it was always a T shirt that had the sleeve. Had the different color sleeve band on it. The tight one that looks horrible if you have skinny arms, but looks like big arms.

[Brian Bishop]

Over the shoulder, you mean?

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's called a ringer.

[Adam Carolla]

T. The ringer. Yes, it was the ringer. T is what you'd use. If you started a softball team. You'd have to go down to this place and get some T shirts made up.

[Brian Bishop]

Did your parents. I don't know why your parents ever would, but did your parents ever iron on numbers or letters onto shirts for you? Like some. Something like with a family reunion, something?

[Matt Achity]

Never.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a bad example, but no, I

[Adam Carolla]

know what you're saying. Bad for the Corrals.

[Matt Achity]

But yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They did not own an ironing board. We did. At one point, long before the whole Seinfeld episode, we did print up a T shirt for the guy who could go the longest without beating off. We had a.

[Brian Bishop]

Your parents,

[Adam Carolla]

they were in the mix, but they didn't actually go down to the crazy shirt. It just said cold jerky on it and it had velcro on it for day number whatever. And the possessor of the shirt was the guy who want the longest. And to me, this was, you know, there's certain competitions that I'm not interested in. Like, you know, it's fun to do the Long Beach Grand Prix, but seeing if you can chug a gallon of milk for free, it's just, how's this gonna end? Either you've just taken in 700,000 calories and you're gonna have diarrhea for three weeks or you're gonna yak somewhere around court number two or whose respect are you earning?

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's really. That's one of those things. Like this is one of those competitions. Or if, like, let's see who can put the most cigarettes out on each other's ass, what's in it for me?

[Brian Bishop]

You're right. The unpredictability is what makes. At the end of the Long Bridge Grand Prix, someone's going to win, someone's going to wave a flag. There might be a crash, but probably not. At the end of this, who knows

[Adam Carolla]

what's going to happen, right? So I said, I will not participate in this tomfoolery for a second. And I immediately pulled out of the competition. But the record went on to 19 days, I think.

[Brian Bishop]

Were girls allowed? Because in Seinfeld, Elaine participated.

[Adam Carolla]

There were no. No one had a girlfriend. And we were pretty consistent at the time. But yes, I do remember there's some controversy whether it was 19 or 20 days or whatever it is. But who won the shirt was my buddy Rudy won, who's now 30 years later featured in the show Hoarders. So he was hoarding his own semen in his own bag.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the coolest thing I had that you could do at home was a make your own button maker nose laminated buttons. The thing is that we didn't like. There was the expensive one where it had kind of a crank thing and you just pulled it down and it made the button well. And then there was the one where it really took a lot of arm strength to push it as hard as you could. And that's one we had. But it allowed me to make my own Michael Jackson buttons, which I wore to Knott's Berry Farm when I was nine. A whole bunch of them.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of stuff that was make your own, but it was before there seemed to be no parental supervision. There was like these, these creepy crawler hot plate things where you would plug it in. There's a lot of things involved heat. You would plug it in like the Easy Bake oven, but this was almost like a waffle iron. It would get hot and then you would take this cancerous gelatinous goo and you'd like into this mold and then you would cook it and then it would come out as this weird creepy crawler thing. Someone will find something on ebay or something and show it to you. But anyway, what the fuck we're talking about? Oh yeah,

[Allison Rosen]

we're about to do news.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel, tell me if you feel if this is a correct assessment, what we do in the news. My parents never wore a button with me or anyone. They didn't even say McGovern on there, but nobody wore buttons in my family. I feel like per capita African American women over 230 pounds wear more buttons than the rest of the skinny blonde populace combined.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the accurate assessment.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's the creepy crawlers. Yeah, it was literally a hot plate. And you plug it in and there's molds of like salamanders and stuff so

[Allison Rosen]

you can make your own worms and insects out of rubber.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, we weren't rich enough to possess one of these, but I always had a friend. I could figure out all the games. Oh, Chris. Boom. He had the Electronic Battleship and Max Truex had the Stratego game. And this guy named Ivan had this game. Like I always knew who had what. And then I could just go to their house and play that.

[Brian Bishop]

What do I feel like playing today? Go over to that person's house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, because Corollas, if it plugged in or took batteries, that was the criteria. That's how it could not pass the threshold of the Corollas or brought any choice. That was the third caveat. So, yes, Creepy carawers. Oh, what the hell are we talking about? Yeah, you're talking about wearing buttons. It is almost exclusively the domain of the heavyset woman of color. I've seen many a sports documentary, with

[Brian Bishop]

the possible exception of TGI Friday's Waitresses.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, that's a requirement.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a requirement. That's flair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the button. The required button. I'm not counting that. I'm saying go out, take your picture, your son holding a football on one knee and up in the stands. That is the domain of the. And I'm telling you, I'll bet you that button has saved many a black woman's life.

[Brian Bishop]

Shrapnel.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's look at it this way. I would say the buttons per capita, more buttons worn and the more crime and more gunplay neighborhood, the higher the button ratio. Okay, well, let's go down to the Palisades or Beverly Hills. There's not a whole lot of button dawning. You don't see the white chick walking through Whole Foods with the fucking button on.

[Allison Rosen]

No, the only place you'd see buttons there is outside the grocery store from someone who's soliciting illegally.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. Selling candles, trying to get through college. So lot of Buttons. Buttons worn above the heart. Right on the heart. Like pretty much just on there.

[Brian Bishop]

Vital organs.

[Adam Carolla]

Stray bullets flying around the button laden neighborhood. How long and how many lives has those buttons saved? Countless dozens.

[Brian Bishop]

You're onto something.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when people give you a number and then go countless. Well, you did say dozens. Countless dozens.

[Brian Bishop]

Innumerable hundreds.

[Adam Carolla]

Has anyone got any paper we could figure this out.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a factor of 12 for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, they're not big on calling the popo, especially on, you know, no harm, no foul, you know, grazed, dust yourself off. Button dented.

[Allison Rosen]

But other than that, when you have

[Adam Carolla]

buttons, I'm saying this is a statistic that's not been kept.

[Allison Rosen]

We need someone needs to. Boots on the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

Boots on the ground. I'll bet you I can go to the inner city and everyone will have a story about being saved by button. Every one of them. Down to the woman. Down to the 230 pound plus woman.

[Allison Rosen]

Mother lode of inspirational stories, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I also think Mother lode will be the name of the document. I also think loading of the gun and the mother loaded up.

[Brian Bishop]

You're listening to Malcolm Gladwell as your next book.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I think as well, a number of buttons sort of let people know when you're sneaking up behind them. Ooh, there's no stealthy button wearing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

They click around.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're down. There's something. There's a cause, there's a grandson. There's either a right that needs to be wronged or you're very proud of somebody. And I think. I don't feel like there's a lot of dudes rocking buttons either. I feel it's the domain of the woman.

[Brian Bishop]

The flag lapel pin is sort of the guy version of the button.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what about. I guess there's men who are into fishing. They just wear a bunch of lures on their heads.

[Adam Carolla]

They're lures.

[Jay Duplass]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. News.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a woman, Elizabeth Mort, whose baby was taken away after she failed a drug test. And it turned out that she had had a poppy seed bagel that day. But because she failed the drug test automatically, her baby was taken away. And now the case has been settled. Her baby was returned five days later when they realized that there was no evidence of drugs. But she just won a settlement for $143,500. And the ACLU fought on behalf of her.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but she. Where'd she get the money from? Well, the hospital somebody or the Hospital. So she had priors, right?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Well, that was my. That's what I wondered at first. But it's hospital policy that drug tests are given to all obstetrics patients in this Pittsburgh hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

So they don't. They don't go. Yeah, you don't go home high or whatever. The poppy seed, always the card played by the junkie, but rarely, rarely turns it into a flush like this one.

[Brian Bishop]

This might be a question for Dr. Bruce, but does poppy seed bagels get you a tiny bit high or does it tick off the same indicator that drugs would?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it causes you to test a little bit positive for opiates because poppies, poppy flowers.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you. A couple things. The baby was not taken home from the hospital. The dealer was taken out of her house in two somewhere. I would argue that if you asked my wife and almost certainly my mom and anybody else if we could take your four month off your hands for five days and put them in a safe place, they'll be fed properly, taken care of, it'd be how much? No. $145,000. Oh, I can't afford that. I can afford. I'll give you $400. No, no, you don't get it. We're paying you. Oh, you're paying me? Keep him the whole month.

[Allison Rosen]

This is all I know. It said a woman who had her newborn taken away because she failed a hospital drug test after she ate a poppy seed bagel. This my understanding because my sister worked for in law, like family law, on the side of people whose kids had been taken away unfairly or unjustly. My understanding of what happens is that the state kind of steps in right away. Like the baby probably never went home with her.

[Matt Achity]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's one thing. So the kid stays in the hospital for a few more days.

[Brian Bishop]

I know drug users don't have the most foresight, but why wouldn't. If you're a junkie, you're taking drug tests a lot. Why don't you just keep a whole bunch of half eaten poppy seed bagels around and walk in every drug test with a half eaten poppy seed bagel? I'm like, oh, is that my drug test? Okay, let's put this down. You always have an out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would. I absolutely would do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, this isn't.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need to dignify that with an answer.

[Jay Duplass]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

My sense is that they can do further testing to determine whether this was a poppy seed bagel or actual drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

You're now dignifying it.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Mark Duplass]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All Right. So Hunter and I always wonder about this judgment, like, 145. Like, is this $150,000 infraction? No. Is it 100,000?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And it's a settlement.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have held out for more. Yeah, I would do. But. All right, here we go.

[Allison Rosen]

A company in Idaho.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this, too, though? All right, I know it's a settlement. I know it's like everything's a fuck up. Everything's like this evil hospital. What are they doing? Well, they're attempting to not let drug addicts take their kids home and then possibly hurt them in some horrific way or just od and the kid just basically dies of exposure. You know what I mean? Worst, the hospital's heart, the hospital's thinking, maybe they have a problem, depending on what part of town they're in or who their clientele is. Maybe they have a problem with a lot or a significant number of young women coming in, giving birth who are addicted to drugs. So they have this policy. And now. So the policy is being implemented because. Through the testing, because the poppy seed tests the same as an opiate. They then hold the child to protect the child. Like, I'm just saying. Do we have to sue everybody?

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The regulation is if the test comes back positive for this thing, they followed regulations. This wrong has been righted. But that's. It's sort of wicked.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason we do that is for the safety of the child. And then we go, nah, we're suing your ass. And we all understand, oh, well, that's the society we're in. But can we step back and go, why do they have this policy? So junkies don't bring their kids home and sell them for crack. Okay, why did this test come up positive? Because poppy seeds are tested and come up the same way as opiates. All right, then how long did they keep the kid? A month? No, five days. Did they injure the kid in any way? No, they took. Took care of the child while they sorted this out. All right, well, then give the kid back and move on. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you really feel like it's no harm, no foul?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Here's what I'm saying. And I don't know all the minutiae of the story. What I'm saying is this. There's a big difference in my mind when somebody says right now, Matt Fondelier, the porcelain punisher, could say, boom, I'm gonna take the ace man's wheels. I'm going on a Tijuana run. I can get toilet paper half price over there. I know I got. I put it. What I do is I have a compartment where I smuggle it into the fuel tank. I have an auxiliary fuel tank, but I have an extra shelf where I can smuggle it in. And he went on a run, and on his way back, he totaled my car. I'd be like, hey, fucking Matt. Now I'm pissed. You didn't ask me, you were there to just go on, you know, just with your own fetish and get your own. Your Tijuana toilet paper run and doing all that, and he told my car I'd be pissed. But if Matt grabbed my keys right now and said, you know what? I'm going to love the look on the ace man's face when he walks out to the parking lot and sees a sparkling car I'm taking to the car wash and we get it all detailed for him. And then when he comes out and gets the car totaled, I'm not pissed at all. I'm not pissed at all. Because his intention was to try, was a gesture to try to do something positive. And on the way, somebody clipped him. And now the car's totaled. So each time we have a totaled car. But I'm a total different mental disposition as it pertains to my totaled car. So the outcome's the same. The activity that led up to it is vastly different to me. When I catch somebody, whether it's a hospital or an individual trying to do something nefarious. Oh, they wanted to get paid extra. So they said the kid had meningitis and then kept the kid there while they were gouging the insurance company or something like that, if they were somehow negligent or. Yeah, whatever. But if it's following protocol and procedure and the procedure's put in place to try to protect the child and then this thing tests positive and they're going to try to protect the child. No, I don't think there has. Yes, somebody's harmed. We're all harmed. When we go through the airport, we take our shoes off, we have to fucking stand in that. We stand in a never ending line. I mean, when you take the amount of travel that I do or other comedians do or business people do, and you spread that, that airport line out over the course of five years. I literally have three weeks of my life eaten up standing in my fucking socks in a line. I don't like that. I'd like to be compensated for that three weeks time I spent standing in my socks and doing something an Activity that I never thought I'd engage in. And there should be a competition, which is putting my belt and shoes on. On the move. It's something I don't do at home. There should be an airport competition. Terminal wars.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm glad you're bringing this up, because I never know.

[Matt Achity]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Terminal velocity. It's the speed you leave. All right, here's how it all starts.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you for. Yeah, I need to know because I never know. Like, do I try to get my shoes back on here? Because usually I'll put on one shoe and then I'll hop over to a bench. I don't know what that.

[Adam Carolla]

That bench is for the elderly and pussies.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Terminal wars. Every team starts off at the end of the conveyor belt. You have shoes, watch, wallet.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes you have a laptop out of

[Adam Carolla]

the laptop bag, belt, laptop, and phone in said weird, super unpleasing gray bin color. I don't know who decided.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Do I bust my dishes in it or do I put my shit in it?

[Adam Carolla]

Why does it have to be prison gray? Like, why can't those bins just be red or white or black? Just fucking choose a color. Why? The most depressing institutional color there is. But anyway. All right, you. Then when the starting pistol's fired, that'll go great.

[Allison Rosen]

In an airport.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we do this all on set.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

This is all. We just make this on a huge soundstage. You have a hundred yard course. At some point, you want to pick up bonus points. You. 100 yards. 100 yards. Your terminal's right at the end. It's all the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, you gotta get to your gate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the gate. Sorry, the gate's all the way at the end. It's 100 yards. You want bonus points, you swing by the Cinnabon. There's also Orange Julius. And the duty free shot was all laid out.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you get more points or fewer points if you have your license in your mouth?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, interesting. Again, these are all techniques and all strategies. When you get to the end, belt must be in and buckled. Laptop in. Computer bag zipped shut, both shoes on. No loafers, please. Loafers are not for closers. I think Baldwin said that in one of his movies. Some version of that. Yeah. Belt and then. And the scrutineering. I would love to be a scrutineer. I could scrutinize, you know, I walk around, the guy with the clipboard scrutinizes, but with vision. I'm quite familiar with that phrase, scrutineering. I walk around the back Feeling pretty good about yourself because you got your shoes on. I noticed you went with the high top lace ups. For bonus points, please use a laser. Guess who missed the loop.

[Kira Sultanovich]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Person feeling feverishly behind them. Oh, shit. Missed the loop. Oh, come on. It went through the important loops on this. It's a deduction. All loops must be hit.

[Caller John]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Wallet. You know, maybe wallet in back pocket, but turns out the flap of the wall. The inner flap parts on the outside of the wallet. It's no good backwards.

[Brian Bishop]

The license is backwards on the window.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, deduction, deduction, deduction.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you know what else would be a deduction? If you zip up whatever bag you have by just pulling on the two zippers, but you don't get them all the way closed if you've got the puckered opening. That's not gonna work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and I need the handle retracted when I get. Once we finish that for the scrutineering part anyway. Terminal velocity. Oh, boy. It's a hit. Get Vin to Bona on the blower. It's gonna be huge. Listen, who's Vinda Bona?

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I just said.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Finn De Bona. He's done, like, America's Funniest Videos, whatever, for like 400 seasons and did all that, like, people are cute and animals are stupid. Remember all those Sunday night shows? I don't need a picture of Vin Dabona. I need a list of the million. A hit list of the million TV shows. Vin Dabona does a show, it stays on for 35 years. So we'll get him on the blower.

[Allison Rosen]

He'd be perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll get that. Maybe we'll get like, Sajak to host or something like that, you know, again, I'm gonna be scrutineering, get some hot chick to do color, you know, look, wipeout's a big fucking wipeouts going on. Season seven, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Sideline reporter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now can this please be a TV event so that it instead of airing like Every Monday at 7, it airs Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You know what I mean? When they just do it all at once?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's why it'll be popular.

[Adam Carolla]

Vin Dabona did a little show called MacGyver. Want to know his qualifications? And Entertainment Tonight. America's Funniest Videos.

[Brian Bishop]

Excuse me.

[Mark Duplass]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Vin De Bona? Who's Vin De Bona? Not.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Vin De Bona.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. All right. Done a ton of shows. Anyway, just get him on the blower. Let's get this thing made. Why aren't we doing the news, I feel like. And this is why I'm good in the room. As they say. It captures what everyone is. It's on the tip of all Americans tongues right now. All this airplane travel and all this stuff, everyone's talking about it. No one's doing a show about it.

[Allison Rosen]

So that's zeitgeisty.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I was gonna say. That's why it'll be popular. No one's done the wipeout thing. No one's ran across a river and. And been knocked into it. Everyone's gone through the turmoil and got how can I go through this faster? What would I do in that situation?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Play along at home Element.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, how do you feel about people who wheel their bags around in an unconventional manner such as they have the wheels that can go any way. So they are. Instead of rolling it like the way it should go, they turn it on its side and roll it. Or some people push their bags rolling out.

[Adam Carolla]

Secretly jealous of those people. Sort of like the guy who turns the seat around backwards when he's sitting down to talk to you. Like, why is that more comfortable? Aren't you burning calories?

[Brian Bishop]

Cool teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always cool teacher. Cool counselor.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's seat goes around the other. I would say going 180 degrees off of whether it's a car or a camel seat like anything you go. Or saddle like anything you go the opposite of the direction that you're supposed to go in. No, not more comfortable.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine if you rode a bike that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe a baseball cap, but that's about it. All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

So there's a company in Idaho that is making bullets that are laced with pork. It's called G Hog ammo.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're gonna get them on board for this. Terminal velocity. Maybe one of our spine. Brought to you by Ghawk.

[Allison Rosen]

They're saying it's a defensive deterrent to those who violently act in the name of Islam. The bullets are coated with a pork infused paint which makes them haram or unclean. And therefore they're saying this will present. I mean, will prevent a Muslim who is shot with one of these bullets from entering paradise.

[Adam Carolla]

However, do they make garlic for vampires or they do a silver one for

[Brian Bishop]

that Very True Blood.

[Allison Rosen]

Ish.

[Brian Bishop]

The show True Blood. They're constantly shooting shit into vampires to kill them. I mean, I have no idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you watching True Blood?

[Brian Bishop]

Christy watches it religiously. So I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

But you don't know Vindabona.

[Adam Carolla]

She's setting her up for that.

[Allison Rosen]

But an assistant professor of religious studies at Gonzaga University, Shannon Dunn, says that actually there's no penalty for coming into contact with pork in the Quran. And that Muslims are. It's recommended that instead of starving, they should eat pork if it's available.

[Adam Carolla]

So I feel like the Muslims are lucky. We're all too lazy to ever read the Quran, because every time somebody on the right or somebody from Fox News goes, it says in the Quran that if you're not Muslim, you're thus an infidel, and then thus must be sacrificed in the name of Allah. And then some other guy from some think tank pipes up and goes, nothing is ever mentioned of that in the Quran. And I always just sit around and go, you guys are lucky. I'm lazy. Who would have known that we all should have read the Quran? We really, like. There's one of those things. Like, one of those things we all should have done out of high school was read the Quran so we could weigh in on these arguments.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the Bible is a little bit like that. Someone could be like, this is right in the Bible. And then someone else could say, this is definitely not. And I'm not going to look it up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not going to look it up either. But I do at least believe that that is a little more cut and dried. There's a lot of. This is not what it means. There's that. But the Quran. I feel like people just. They're all over the road on the Quran, and I'm never really gonna call either one of them a liar because I'm way too lazy to ever kick back and read the Quran. They have Quran and cassette that I would listen to.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sure they do.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll say. Who narrated Morgan Freeman?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Liam Shriver. I know he's Jewish. He works a lot, but he does do a lot of it. Does do a hell of a vo.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You seen those? NFL.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty good.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Powerful.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if we get the Quran guys to sign off on a Jew doing the narrating, but I think we work on it. You know, you want the best product. That's what I would argue. So the Pork Bullet, which is, by the way, the name of my joint. That's what I used to call my dick in high school. The Pork Bullet is not gonna work.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not gonna. Well, it seems seemingly not, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

But I think it'll still kill them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And if you accomplish the ultimate goal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's my. Yeah, my thing is, if you gave a Muslim jihadist the choice between being taken down by a regular bullet or a pork bullet, they would have to take the regular bullet. But if you gave me the choice, I'd take the pork all day long.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Meaty goodness coursing through your veins. Your last thought is smoky bacon kind of goodness. You'd just be laying there going, I'm hovering above myself. I smell bacon.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You see a white light and loved ones are offering you pork products.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Pork chops and pork rolls and things like that. Bacon wrapped stuff. I'd like my last look. Your choice isn't between a pork bullet and a relaxation massage. Yeah. It's between a pork bullet and just a lead bullet.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. They should make other kinds of bullets for more refreshing deaths.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like a minty flavored one, you know, just for the corner. It's a decent thing to do. Yeah. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Popsicle. Like, because it'll melt. The heat will melt it. It'll go inside you and go throughout your blood.

[Adam Carolla]

Creamsicle 50 50. Best one ever. All right, let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. Who would I got here? Ah, Hormel. Wasn't this fortuitous? No. All right, let's do one more store and then we'll bring in Lee.

[Allison Rosen]

Fred Armisen has confirmed his exit from snl. A lot of people already knew this, but it's now officially confirmed that he has left snl. He said he left partly because Portlandia was demanding more of his time and because, quote, it felt like a very healthy, good time to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

He's such a prick, that guy.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What a dick, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He's out of control. He's out of control. Someone's gonna reign him in.

[Brian Bishop]

That cast had a good run together, like a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

They did. I wonder what it was. Well, it's hard to tell.

[Allison Rosen]

He was there for 11 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, he was great. He did well. He is great. Real nice guy. Did been on the pod a few times and Allison's as well and did some good crank yankers work. Always very funny. Super talented. Just sort of. He probably wasn't class clown. He just happens to be one of these guys that's super funny.

[Allison Rosen]

He was a musician for years and years, but always wanted to talk into the mic.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just a super creative, funny guy who doesn't wear it on his sleeve like a lot of.

[Allison Rosen]

But also Tell me if you feel this way about him. The kind of guy that you could talk to for hours and walk away feeling like, I still don't feel like I really know him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he plays it close to the vest. Oh, not close to the vest, but most comedians have an element. Well, here's what I'll say. I've known these guys, guys who do a lot of characters don't have a strong base, which is them. The reason they don't have a real strong locked in base is because when you're have a strong locked in base, you're a character like Artie Lang, that kind of character. It's hard to get away from that base and just become this other person. You're bringing that sort of base with you. So you kind of make that thing when you're Tracy Morgan really hard to get away from. Yeah, Tracy Morgan's like Tracy Morgan times three. He's Tracy Morgan, you know, he's that base. The other guys who do all the Jim Carrey's of the world, face made of rubber, malleable, they don't have a strong base. Like I don't know who Jim Carrey is, you know what I'm saying? And I don't feel like anyone really does. And I think he kind of likes it that way. Thus he's good at the characters. That's where the characters come in. Because he's not grounded in being Jim. Where for Tracy and Artie me, it's harder. Harder to get away from the base. But he'll be missed by the SNL fans, that's for sure. But we'll get him in here soon and we'll talk all about it. All right. Shall we? Let's do a little rap on news. Should we do that?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Tzipit Khan's that was the news with Allison Rosen. Yeah. Lee Chang's coming in here. We're gonna talk about more patent trolling. And he's really done the Lord's work. And smart dude. Went to Harvard. Went to someplace called UCK Berkeley. I don't know that one. But Harvard. Harvard I've heard of for sure. So we'll bring him in and we'll talk about that. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla show. Subscribe to YouTube.com VPN to watch the show live each week and YouTube.com AdamCarolla for the archive of past shows. Yeah, Li Chang is here. He's doing battle slaying. The dragon known as Patton Trolls. Good to see You, Lee.

[Lee Chang]

Hi, Adam, how are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing well. So tell us a little about your background and we'll talk about this. Since you know, we're besides sued by patent troll as well.

[Lee Chang]

Well, first I wanted to get something off my chest. I think patent trolls and their lawyers are all scum sucking douchebags.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you and your lawyer, Tom.

[Lee Chang]

Yeah, exactly. This is a very high level, sophisticated legalese. If I actually had a chance to hit that bar of yours on the way in here, I tell you what I really think about them.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, there's still time.

[Lee Chang]

It's five o' clock somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

So why are these people such a scourge on our society and our system?

[Lee Chang]

They are actually just the latest manifestation of what I call legal entrepreneurs. I mean it's very lawyer driven litigation. Lawyers, they're scourges because they find and they exploit repeated weaknesses in our legal system to essentially just extort money from honest businesses and individuals and entrepreneurs. And to some extent we're very fortunate. We live in a very, very rich society and we can afford these private taxes. And what these guys do is they'll file lawsuits now sometimes against hundreds and hundreds, thousands of people, you know, individuals, entrepreneurs like yourself, small companies, small businesses. And they count on the fact that number one cost of defense is very, very high in the United States. Just going to court, responding to a lawsuit someone files with no preparation at all, just a form costs thousands of dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a form of extortion. If I say to you, give me your pants, and you go, I don't want to give you my pants, but

[Lee Chang]

for you, Adam, I'd give you my pants.

[Adam Carolla]

If you don't give me your pants, you're going to have to walk 20 miles in a circle and you're like. And then someone next to you goes, oh fuck it, just give him his pants. It's going to be a lot easier. It's going to be a lot easier than what you're going to have to do. It's going to be this going to be time consuming, it's going to be expensive. I mean it is extortion to the extent that your choice is pay me a bunch of money. Forget about what the cause is, just pay me a bunch of money. Or I'm going to put you through a process that's going to last five years and it's going to cost you a million dollars.

[Lee Chang]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that extortion?

[Lee Chang]

It's legalized extortion and we go through cycles of it. I mean after patent trolling, unfortunately, legal entrepreneurs will find something else. We have PI guys, we have securities class action guys. Even after some of these guys go to jail. Like Bill Arack. Right. He lives in a $30 million house overlooking San Diego. Right. Bay.

[Adam Carolla]

What did he go to jail for?

[Lee Chang]

He went to jail for, I believe, fraud.

[Adam Carolla]

And what was his business?

[Lee Chang]

His business was basically filing class action lawsuits against companies. And I think eventually he went to jail. I think they found out he was essentially, you know, initiating these lawsuits by finding plaintiffs and hiring plaintiffs and so on and so forth.

[Adam Carolla]

How about just the individual that is on he or she's 150th lawsuit? How come we can't weed these people out? And I know in the eyes of the law, the 151st lawsuit may be legitimate, but haven't you used up up all of your cries of wolf in

[Allison Rosen]

the eyes of the law? Aren't all of them legitimate? I mean, that's the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, that the problem is all legal. Yeah, it is, but I'm just saying the reason you can't say stop at 150 is because at 151, some acid could have been poured in a funnel that was up your ass by Pepsi.

[Allison Rosen]

If only you had on pants.

[Lee Chang]

Very graphic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had to give my pants away. Yeah. I mean, I mean, these people, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So you're saying why is someone allowed to bring this many lawsuits?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just why can't we have an approach to the law where there's somebody that are. They're gaming the system. We know. Look, we all know there's lawyers that are out there fighting for children's and parents rights, you know, and divorce and what have you and righting wrongs and going up against big oil companies are polluting the land that the natives live on and stuff. And then there's guys who are just out there trying to find loopholes and gaming the system, so to speak.

[Lee Chang]

Well, we can, right? I mean, we can. Unfortunately, it just takes time. And it takes people to stand up and say no. It takes in our system again. Our society is so rich, we can afford a level of this kind of private tax extraction at a certain point in time. Usually it takes 10 plus years. Legislation gets passed enough, and sometimes these extortionists basically get so egregious. Right. Like a number of years ago, I don't know if you guys remember, there were people in California filingsending letters to thousands of mom and pop shops alleging, you know, a violation of business and professions code 17,200 and asking everybody for 1,000 bucks, 3,000 bucks, or else they would sue them for having ramps that were 2 inches shorter than what the ADA laws required. Blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

Lot with the handicapped.

[Lee Chang]

And those guys went to jail. Sometimes they get so egregious and so greedy that the public rises up quickly and politicians have to listen. And they, you know, and at this point in time, I think some of these trolls are getting egregious and greedy. Like the trolls going after you guys. Very poorly advised, right? You guys can kind of talk back. The trolls going after everybody who uses a scanner to scan into email. They probably were not thinking strategically, right? And this is getting Washington to notice, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Because.

[Lee Chang]

But it's gonna be slow. Legislative change will be slow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's easy to do. We do this thing all the time in our society where we go, hey, listen, I'm Rob Reiner. I love kids and I hate secondhand smoke. So who's with me?

[Caller John]

Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's put on two bucks a pack for the cigarettes because the secondhand smoke's killing the kids, and the money's gonna go toward the schools, and we have to then pay the medical bills for all these smokers who are dying in their early 60s. By the way, someone. The science is out on this. You dying early doesn't cost us as much as you making it into your 90s. So that was a fucking lie. But either way, since less than 30% of society smokes, then they go, yeah, do it. Put on that two bucks. Let's all vote. And because all they know is the people that are paying can pay a little bit more and it'll go toward the kids. But once everyone smokes, like everyone has a scanner, or you're affecting large groups of people, then you kind of get the notice, like, when it comes to, hey, we're gonna sue Apple. They got billions of dollars. Sue them, I don't care. But then when it starts trickling down to regular folk, mom and pops, and it starts affecting everyone now there's gonna be an uprising, right?

[Lee Chang]

In a way, it actually does really affect everyone. One of the decisions that we made when we decided to fight the trolls, and I've been in the troll wars for about eight years now.

[Adam Carolla]

Write that down for a TV show.

[Allison Rosen]

The Troll Wars.

[Lee Chang]

Terminal velocity, right around in the middle of it, right? And, you know, I'm not a litigator by training. I'm not even a patent lawyer, and I'm a corporate lawyer by training. And I chose that path because I don't like litigation. Frankly, I don't like zero sum games. But when I took over at general counsel of Newegg, one thing that we're very proud of is taking good care of our customers and making sure our customers can access technology products cheaply. And we realized if we settled with trolls like everybody else settles with trolls, there's a cost. We have to increase our prices to pay for it the way. And it's not a free ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Lee Chang]

For society.

[Adam Carolla]

Much like the what do you care if that guy shoplifts? Well, they then pass along the price to us who are honestly buying the stuff. And then also there's an element, I'm guessing, of why you can't. You have to have a policy about dealing with kidnappers in Honduras, because if every film crew that got kidnapped immediately got a million bucks, their kidnapping would go up quite a bit, too. So this is another way of saying if everyone can just band together, get on the same page, and not settle up with the trolls, the trolling would cease or at least diminish.

[Lee Chang]

It would diminish greatly. I don't think, unfortunately, trolling will ever cease. I think it's going to go to a level where it's going to be a true nuisance. It's going to be really so, so low. Several thousand dollars, several hundred dollars a pop. Where. Yeah, I mean, I think society will be able to bear that tax until collectively with all the other little taxes that we have to pay here and there, you know, because of other types of litigation, it becomes too much and somebody actually reforms the whole legal system. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if people knew how much litigation and the legal system and attorneys just add to the cost of your basic, you know, medication or, you know, whatever pills you're taking, how much of that, or a car you're driving or whatever, whatever it is. There should be a little thing like when you check out of a hotel and it does that thing where it goes and luxury tax and you get pissed off. You're like, I came in here, I beat off in the shower once, and I fucking left the following morning. I didn't use the spa. Now you want to run down and use the spa real quick.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't hear turn the shower on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When I say in the shower, I don't mean the shower is running. I'm not in the shower aiming toward it. The point is this. I wish there could be a little thing on every car sticker. You know, when you buy a new car or when you buy medication or when you go x percent Went to fucking attorneys and the system, and they. In a system that could definitely be modified and fixed.

[Lee Chang]

I think that wouldi mean that's a phenomenally great idea. I think one of the ways that trolls can be combated is exposing what they do to the light of day. Right? By telling people that they are in fact paying billions of dollars. It's probably well over $100 billion a year to lawyers and to plaintiffs in settlements. Now that is a tax on the American economy. God only knows how much stipulated with innovation and entrepreneurship there is. I mean, they're app developers getting these letters. I could tell you Newegg was founded not in a garage, because garages were too expensive. We were founded in a little warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Our programmers probably would not have been able to write a code that has helped us build through good customer service, the second largest Internet retailer around, if they had to look over the shoulders every time they had to write a line of code. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So how much do you know about our case? I sadly know not much. There's a company out of Texas, I guess that's Marshall, Texas, two specs. Oh, really? And they Douchebags llc. They go out and they buy these patents. Do they buy them from failing companies or where do they get these things?

[Lee Chang]

That's right. A lot of these come from failing companies. The uspto. Historically, they're unfortunately underfunded and they don't necessarily respond that well to new technologies. In the 90s and at the turn of the century, a lot of patents were just filed and granted on Internet functionalities and technologies and software. We are the only major country in the world or one of the few that allows business methods and software to be patented. And these nobody really thought, because I was working in Silicon Valley in the 90s, nobody thought these patents were worth anything until somebody figured out that our patent system had this big gaping hole. There is no negative consequence to filing a patent lawsuit if you don't have business.

[Allison Rosen]

The patents that were filed in the 90s in Silicon Valley were these things that had already been created, or was it like this idea, I'm gonna patent this idea, and then later that was created and money was made off of it.

[Lee Chang]

Well, so somebody would say, well, you know, I have an. They started businesses and they said, I have a piece of software that can essentially do the same thing as a shopping cart check, as a checkout process for an Internet business that you would see in a brick and mortar retail. You have brick and mortar analogs, something very obvious. And they would get the patent on it. But the business would literally fail, because the conception of an idea is not really necessarily what makes it valuable to society and very, very worthwhile. It's actually being able to bring the benefit in a way that someone's willing to pay money for.

[Matt Achity]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So at that point, it wasn't really being implemented.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

No.

[Lee Chang]

All of these companies, a lot of them, almost all of them, blew up in the 90s. They were failed companies. They went out of business. They couldn't figure out how to make a product somebody wanted to buy. Or frankly, some of these patents were just very obvious ideas. Patents should not have been granted in the first place. And then, yeah, so some of these companies went through several bankruptcies, and the trolls started popping up and acquiring some of these patents or the rights to assert some of these patents. And they, you know, after what NDP made off with Vermont BlackBerry, what did

[Adam Carolla]

they make off with?

[Lee Chang]

Like $612 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, 612.

[Lee Chang]

They threatened to shut down BlackBerry. And at that point in time, the law was such that if you simply got a jury to say, okay, somebody infringed your patent, the patent holder could shut your business down. Thankfully, companies like ebay, God bless them, stood up and they said, we got to change the law. We got to fight. We've got to change the law in the courts. And ebay got a ruling in 2005 that basically said, no, you can't shut a company down as long as, theoretically, you can find that monetary damages can be paid. The case has to continue. And so RIM had to pay. BlackBerry had to pay that money, even though one of the patents, if I remember correctly, was subsequently invalid. So once you settle, the troll takes the money and runs.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Lee Chang]

And once people. People often ask, because we've invalidated our share of patents, we haven't lost a patent case after appeal for eight years. We've never lost a patent case after appeal. And that's really indicative of just the flaw in the system. If you fight long enough, you will win. It just costs too damn much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also, the jury becomes more educated and who these people are and what they do to businesses and how they hurt small businesses. I feel like the jury. I mean, holy God. When you see these trials and they see the people in the jury, you know, half of them think the world's flat, and the other half think that Kardashians should run for president.

[Lee Chang]

They shouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I wouldn't mind a run, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not saying elected president. They should just run.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. First Lady Lamar but the point is, once they become more educated and they understand what these guys are doing, I think it's going to be harder in the future, especially with Obama speaking out about it and things like that, for them to win these cases. But so what do you know, if anything, about the specifics of our case?

[Lee Chang]

Well, I know that it's an entity called Personal Audio. It doesn't take much to figure out again that they're asserting a patent that probably will not stand scrutiny. If I read correctly, there's an effort being made and there are public resources being gathered to fight and try to get this patent blown up or invalidated, and there are processes in place to do it. It just costs money. It costs money. Very, very few individuals or companies have the wherewithal to actually spend this money or desire to spend this money. That's exactly what the trolls count on. Right. They'll price their demand at something below the cost of defense. Right. And what I think society has to do, what companies have to do, is to stop paying them off and letting themselves get picked off one by one and to work together. And I think just unfortunately there are just too many trolls and too many bad patents out there. The USPTO I think, has about in the neighborhood of half a million filings a year when trolls are so successful that hedge fund investors like George Soros invest in them and they can generate these returns with very, very little risk and cost. You're going to encourage a lot of filings of, of bad patents and you're gonna encourage assertions of bad patents. And the only way to stop it is to change the economics of patent trolling to create risk and cost for trolls. Very hard to gather public resources, widespread public resources to fight trolls on a onesie and twosie basis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've been looking for, basically I want to do that, take our streets back with the candle through the paper plate thing. But you know, let's face it, we live in nice neighborhoods and whitey's not really getting shot by the cops. You know, this could be our. I always wanted to put a, always wanted to put a candle through a paper plate, try to take something back.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I just, like I said, I just, I don't live in the neighborhood where there's drive bys and just like that could be your opportunity though. This could be that. Yeah, that's right.

[Lee Chang]

Patrols are taking from the American public.

[Matt Achity]

Yes.

[Lee Chang]

Think about what a patent is. A patent is a legalized monopoly. Monopolies are actually generally very, very bad for society. They make prices go up and they make certain people that we don't like sometimes get very, very rich. And there's a reason why they weren't supposed to be granted frivolously. They were supposed to be granted with care and thought. But sometimes things don't work out the right way. And so there are a lot of these legal monopolies being granted and used as giant sticks.

[Adam Carolla]

So what would you suggest we do? I mean, we've already talked about banning together with other podcasters and raising money via one of these crowdfund sourcing vehicles where everyone says to their listeners, hey, chip in for this defense fund, essentially, and then we're going to go back at them. That seems to be the logical way of going at it thus far, hooking up with Mark Cuban's guys and that sort of thing. But is there any more moves we should be making and anything outside of that?

[Lee Chang]

Well, I mean, I think what you're doing is terrific. I think just letting the public know, letting your listeners know, right. What is going on, that they are paying in the neighborhood of 100 billion or more a year collectively. And it's only going to get worse until they start telling their Congress people and their senators, you know, to start passing the right legislation. I mean, again, eventually, eventually, you know, Congress does the right thing or the courts do the right thing. Trolls are very sophisticated because this is their business. They're very wealthy, sophisticated people. Most of them are found. A lot of them are founded by lawyers, and they usually are about a step ahead of the defense by the time, because this is not our business. Right. Our business in Newegg's case is selling products online and your business is podcasting. And you know what? But what everybody needs to know is that this is happening and that, you know, we need to try to accelerate if we want, you know, accelerate legislative reform. The trolls have already, I think, largely figured out how to preclude judicial reform, changes in law, in the sense that they can actually dismiss a law suit anytime they want. So what they often will do. And this has happened to Newegg now, not too many trolls sue us anymore. They'll actually file against dozens of companies, collect a couple million dollars. We stand up and we say, we don't want, you know, to give up. We're going to keep fighting, you guys. They take their money and then they dismiss the lawsuit and say, see ya.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Lee Chang]

You know, or even so, it basically

[Adam Carolla]

doesn't hurt for them. They're essential. Essentially. They'll go after 1,000 companies and they get paid from 800 of them.

[Matt Achity]

Fine.

[Adam Carolla]

And the 200 stand up. They'll go, eh, we got paid by 800. Moving on to the next.

[Lee Chang]

But there are things that people can do and there are ways to actually. And it has to be corporate America, I think, that has to stand up and fund.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what is. Usually when this kind of stuff happens as it pertains to change and the law and the judicial system, there's this part where we say to the Congress, people, hey, you got to do something here. You got to change this. And then they go, all right, and then a bunch of special interest groups get involved, give them a bunch of money for their next election, and then they go, I don't know if we want to get off of ethanol because we're getting a bunch of money from. We're kicking in a bunch of, of farm subsidies and the Farmer Ethanol Growers Union is paying us a bunch of money. And it turns into that. Who is giving them money? And why wouldn't anyone in Congress just go, this is insane, this must stop immediately, or who are they in the back pocket of?

[Lee Chang]

Sounds like you're very familiar with Washington then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Lee Chang]

So, you know, there are lobbying interests on many different lobbying interests on both sides of this debate. Certainly in this type of litigation, you have trial lawyers, right? It's their business and livelihood. And they want litigation.

[Adam Carolla]

They just want litigation in general.

[Lee Chang]

They like litigation very much. They try very hard to protect. There's a principle that we protect here in America called access. They call it access to justice. That means being able to sue with impunity without any consequences. They love that, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I like access to justice.

[Lee Chang]

It's called access to justice.

[Adam Carolla]

It's right up there. Hey, you got to show some id. Oh, voter suppression.

[Lee Chang]

Well, yes. And then you have certainly the trolls, the trolls themselves, this is their business, right? This is their livelihood. How they afford multi million dollar mansions and jet planes and so on, so forth. And you actually have hedge funds now investing in trolls. This is one of the first.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you're, if you're, if you're a congressman or senator or somebody in a position of power, what is your answer? Because usually there's a bullshit answer to why I shot down this legislation that was going to shut down these patent trials. We all know it's because you're getting money from the Trial Lawyers Association. But what's your answer? They provide a bullshit answer. What would their bullshit answer be to this?

[Lee Chang]

Well, just, just to be fair, I've spoken to a number. I've been on the Hill a number of times. And there are many congresspeople and senators who are aware of this problem. And they're working very, very hard to try to move the ball forward in terms of legal reform, legislative reform. But there are industries actually who benefit from trolling. There are industries like Big Pharma who really like the patent laws from for some reason the way that they currently are. And they vociferously fight against the reforms that would really tamp down trolling.

[Caller John]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

How do they benefit?

[Lee Chang]

Well, they benefit because the patents that they need are heavily reliant on certain structural elements within the patent laws. They need to be able to protect incremental change. And so they tend in. And they're a very heavy IP type of, you know, type of industry. And so, you know, people have talked about, well, gee, maybe we should have two sets of patent lawsone for pharma and one for everyone else kind of thing. So there are industries that fight against, you know, the type of patent, the type of litigation, the type of reform rather that people have championed for the other reason. Yeah, you know, trolls are focused. Trolls are very focused. This is their live livelihoods, this is their business. They're even savvy. They don't. You don't hear too many trolls taking out ads. Right. You don't hear too many trolls getting, you know, being willing to come on your show to defend trolling. Right. They're quiet about it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny.

[Lee Chang]

And their lobbying is quiet. You just see it when the legislation gets drafted and what ends up getting on the House floor to Senate floor is not what went in the first place.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's interesting, we were laughing about about this at some point, but I was saying the tablet and the tablet are two. The simultaneously oldest and newest things on the planet. Trolls, the most sophisticated and the least sophisticated two entities on the planet.

[Brian Bishop]

I've seen the movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The ones that live under the pencil. The under the bridge trolls. You know, IQ of a four year old. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like four feet tall.

[Adam Carolla]

Four feet tall, crazy hair. Crazy. Know almost nothing about the law.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't even have that many teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't bring up tort reform. Comes up on occasion, but rarely, rarely

[Brian Bishop]

wear a three piece suit.

[Lee Chang]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Carry a briefcase.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, living under a bridge doesn't sound like a great place to strike. I feel like there'd be a lot of A, beginning peed on.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

A lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then B, there'd be a lot of who's down there? You wait till I get up this rocky slope. I'm gonna, you know, I'm just gonna keep going. You. You're lucky I'm overweight or I'd be up on that. Like, hey, Dawson, does microphone sound weird to you or is that just me? All right, let me give you work that out. I'll give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. Ah. I simultaneously like it when you fix things, and then it makes me angry. Well, okay. Something happened. I actually haven't done a thing.

[Caller John]

Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Things just happen. By the way, when we're talking about my horrible magnetic force field that ruins all electronics.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Maxapata out there brought up the fact that every time. Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I had Lee's mic extremely hot because back away from it a little bit because he's Asian. Saying

[Lee Chang]

I'm hot because I'm Asian. I'll take it.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Brian Bishop]

Sriracha thing.

[Lee Chang]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's what you were hearing. You were hearing extra room. Ah, okay. Yeah. Max Apata pointed out to me that almost every time when they clip on the lavalier mic, when we're gonna go out in the parking lot and shoot something, and there's three of them, one of them's bad, one of them's getting feedback and it's my mic. And then he goes and takes it and he changes to batteries and he turns his screw and then he puts it back on me and it still feeds back and he can't figure out why it's not working. Then he gives it to someone else and it works on the other person.

[Matt Achity]

Max.

[Adam Carolla]

Or panic.

[Mark Duplass]

And I'd switch your mic too, with someone else's mic.

[Adam Carolla]

Or we'd switch them around and it

[Mark Duplass]

would always be yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Just yours. So is it you need to check

[Allison Rosen]

your mom's biorhythm wheel? Something is amiss.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm giving off a weird electronic vibe. Ah. I'll tell you what's not weird. DraftKings, baby. My listeners are [e-mail]. you pick your team, you win cash, you can play every day. It's not that drawn out thing where you go to the draft and you get all bloated on hot wings and then. But as Brian brought up, you know, you draft your football team or your baseball team, you can be out of it two months into the season. Then you have to sit around and pretend like you're interested for the next two months.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the worst part of any fantasy season. We've all had it where you get in five weeks and you're one in four and like well, that's it. The next. Whatever, 11 weeks are going to be hell for me.

[Matt Achity]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Not interested. This is a daily. You lose one day, hey, you're in

[Adam Carolla]

the next day, back the next. Dawson. Enter the promo code Adam and double your deposit. That's dollar for dollar, double what you put in when you enter the promo code [e-mail] for your love of sports can win you cash today. That's DraftKings.com all right, why don't we do one more news story? Alison Rosen. And so we're all going to band together. Lee, what's your T shirt saying? I'm sorry, I got to hold it up. Don't settle.

[Lee Chang]

This is something that we're selling on Newegg right now to raise money to try to invalidate a patent that a troll is asserting against mom and pop businesses. We want to encourage companies to stop feeding the beast. Every time people write a check to a troll, we're feeding the beast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And again, it's like, hey, I want to get my camera crew back. It's like you're going to create more kidnappings if you pay these guys off. All right, let's do one more news story, shall we?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so China is publicly debating and it's very unusual that this is happening in such a public forum, whether happy ending services count as prostitution, whether that should be illegal. If you get a massage and there's a happy ending, but there's not actually intercourse, because if there's intercourse, that would be illegal. But if it's a happy ending, is it illegal? What do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I know a lot of guys. Well, actually not a lot of guys. A couple of guys who like it a lot. This is one of those things where it's like, if there's a group of 10 guys, there's only one guy that's into it, but he likes it enough for the 10, he's making up for it. He's making up for everyone else's lost or unlost gifts.

[Kira Sultanovich]

Where does he.

[Allison Rosen]

Because this article talks about low end massage parlors or hair salon which are advertised to customers with phrases such as, quote, hitting the airplane and breast massage. I don't know how much I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

I had no idea how this went.

[Lee Chang]

Imagine a pork bullet sounds better than Chinese guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you Chinese, Lee?

[Lee Chang]

Yes. You should ask Bill Clinton too, about this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure he's done some touring tomorrow. These places. First off, there's apps, although not if the patent trolls have their way. But there are apps where you go to a town and you punch that thing in and dots start popping up around you where you can get the job done.

[Brian Bishop]

Thumbs up on the map.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but the job done, specifically meaning not intercourse. There's some full service places that offer it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. To me, the problem with. I don't mind the rub part, the tug part. The problem with the tug is it's sort of. I don't know, it's like me watching people doing shitty carpentry. Eventually I go, oh, get out of the way.

[Matt Achity]

Give me that.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me that goddamn hammer. I'll take over.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know what you're doing. I can only sit and watch so long.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you feel rude doing that, though, or would you feel like it's a relief to them? Would it be like you'd hold out for as long as you can and then you'd.

[Kira Sultanovich]

It is a weird.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird thing. It's like me not being hit on by gay guys. There's a part of me that's like, all right, well, I don't have to bother with that. And there's another part of me, like, what's wrong with me where I can't get hit on by a gay guy. No one's attracted to me. So there's a part of me that doesn't want to get hit on gay guys by gay guys. But there's a part of me that kind of. A little insulted by it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm sure as a sex worker, I would have mixed feelings about the guy going out of the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'll take over.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Just tell me the truth. Do I give lousy hand jobs?

[Adam Carolla]

I would imagine that's a drop.

[Caller John]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get the allure of this, but that's just me. I mean, it's one of those things. And, you know, the guys. It's like. You know, to me, it's like liver. It's like when you're fucking liver. Like a Portnoy's complaint. No, when you're. There's some people that love it, and they can explain to you why they love it. And I believe they love it.

[Allison Rosen]

I understand what you're saying, and I've

[Adam Carolla]

never even done it, and I just kind of know.

[Allison Rosen]

Why bring someone else into something that's best handled alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're sort of beating off. It's kind of like me scooping ice cream and putting it into someone else's mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

Although I would imagine it's not kind of like subscribers. Exactly. Yeah, I would imagine for the people that are into it, the. The thrill. I don't even know if mouths are involved. I would think thrill is the fact that here is this other person doing this for you. Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

I get that. And by the way, the mouth part, I understand. That makes sense to me. The thrill of the other person being involved when you pay them is not a thrill to me in the sense that if you, Lee, if you'd like to come up to me and go, wow, Adam Korolev, never seen you in the flesh. You're much taller than I'd imagined and very easy on the eyes, that would feel good to me. I don't know why you didn't do that, but that would feel good to me. If we stood out in the parking lot and I gave you $20 and I said, lee, when you come in, give me a nice compliment. It wouldn't feel that good to me because I feel like I gave him $20. That's why he's doing it. The idea of having someone go at your joint is flattering, but paying him in advance to do sort of takes some of it away.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I feel like it's only money well spent if this person's technique is somehow worth the money.

[Adam Carolla]

And I imagine they know they gotta know something we don't. I mean, I'm sure they're good at what they do. They have to be good at what they do. Because if you're bad at what you do, so you're essentially doing piece work, like they would call it. Like, there's two ways you can work, and this is kind of in between. But if you hang drywall, you can get paid 20 bucks an hour, 30 bucks an hour, or you can get paid by the sheet. If you get paid by the sheet, you go fast because you're getting two bucks a sheet and you want to get going. You know, you want to make more money, you want to average 40 bucks an hour, you're probably not getting paid until the guy's done. So if you're going to be really shitty at hanging drywall, it's going to take you a while to get that joint compound out of there, right?

[Lee Chang]

Adam, you're just an old school romantic. You know, different folks, different strokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Strokes. Literally, I should work for Hallmark. All I'm saying is you show me someone who's bad at the tug part, and I'm going to show you someone who's not making as much as they possibly can on an eight hour ship.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there such a thing as being Too good. Too fast, though. Like, if. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's here, you're a dude, you pay for a happy ending, and then it's like, boom.

[Brian Bishop]

You've done this before?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I'll tell you why. Because.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you feel like you had been cheated?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Because after the boom, you immediately go into. What's the boom? Go to the boom boom. After the boom, you immediately go into the. Jesus Christ. I have kids. Ah, fuck. 120 bucks. What the fuck? Sweetie, I'm sorry. I know your stepdad probably abused you. I gotta get my shit and get out of here. This is bad. This is stupid. I shouldn't be. I'm going to a library or church.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're saying the less time, the better?

[Adam Carolla]

I think once the guy goes into the refractory, he's immediately. And kind of come out my pants and shit. God. Yeah. My dead nana could see this. You know, they go immediately into that. It's regret. Refractory.

[Allison Rosen]

And your friends who are into this, do they experience that kind of guilt as well?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't peel that onion.

[Allison Rosen]

I can see why you wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

What do I want, guys? A heap of tears in front of me trying to fucking have a beer here. There's a heap of tears.

[Jay Duplass]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel so filthy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't have a lot of friends that are into it, but I've talked to dudes who are, and it seems to serve them well.

[Allison Rosen]

And they do this in relationships, too? Or is this in the lean times?

[Adam Carolla]

They will. I think it's a way of life. Mm. I think it's a way of life.

[Brian Bishop]

Lee, did you see the interview going this way?

[Adam Carolla]

This is very, very exciting. But should this be considered sex? No. And I'll tell you why. It is a sexual act. But women do not realize how far away from sex this sort of is for a dude. Meaning there's things that women can do. We are kind of. We use the women's yardstick to measure intimacy. It's weird. We do everything else the dude's way, but when it comes to relationships and sex and sexual encounters and stuff like that, we use a woman's yardstick. So we sort of look through the spectacles of a woman when we go this. And if a woman was out engaging in this behavior, it would be sort of egregious. It'd be like, oh, the relationship's on the rocks, and she's lost love and she's cheating. Guy goes and does this. It really means nothing other than it's almost a therapeutical physical release. A woman can get completely nude and be rubbed for an hour by an attractive guy with strong hands and oil all over her body. And that's just. At Burke Williams. That's not. We don't count that as a sexual experience. Even though the woman is naked and there's a strange dude putting hands in hinter regions and lens and things like that.

[Lee Chang]

I may have the wrong job.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's not. We don't frown on that. Well, I would. That could probably be as intimate and therapeutic and whatever to a woman as a guy just getting a rub and tug, you know? I mean, a woman. Woman wouldn't come home from that. And a guy wouldn't be like, well, this relationship is on the skids, you know, it's basically the same thing for the dude. We won't. As a society, we won't really acknowledge that, but it really is. It might even help some relationships.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, then. I don't think I should bring it home again.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's done. You've brought it home.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Lee Chang]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

On it, baby. Yeah, you need to get on it. Our bodies are like fine automobiles. Rarely you put into them. That's what comes out. You want to go with the cheap gas and the cheap oil, you're going

[Brian Bishop]

to pay for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Caroline's on Broadway. Coming up. Five shows July 18th through the 20th will turn theater. Me and Jay Moore and Lee Chang. Thank you so much. Where should people go? Ah, website. Newegg.com, newegg.com and the Twitter is ewegg. Thanks so much, Lee.

[Lee Chang]

Thank you very much, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, Adam Crolla for Lee Chang, Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

Just tell me the truth. Do I give lousy hand jobs?

[Lee Chang]

All right, that's adam Corolla show 11 13. That does it for this weekend's Cruel Classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

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