Mary Lynn Rajskub + Harland Williams (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Carolla Classics — Mary Lynn Rajskub + Harland Williams

Release Date: May 3, 2026
Main Guests: Mary Lynn Rajskub, Harland Williams, Jo Koy
Host: Adam Carolla, with Gina Grad, Brian "Bald Bryan" Bishop, and others
Episode Theme:
Highlighting classic and fan-favorite segments, this Carolla Classics episode blends hilarious, candid conversations with actress-comedian Mary Lynn Rajskub (“24”, “Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) and comedian-actor Harland Williams. Both interviews exemplify Adam’s irreverent, observational humor and the loose, improvisational style of the show, diving deep into the absurdities of showbiz, personal quirks, and the nitty-gritty of everyday life.

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Carolla Classics" serves up standout moments from the Adam Carolla Show’s deep archive, with segments spotlighting Mary Lynn Rajskub and Harland Williams. Topics range from showbiz behind-the-scenes, eyebrow maintenance, and mental health, to the rituals and ridiculousness of public bathrooms, the evolution of stand-up comedy, reflections on major athletes, and hilarious anecdotes about childhood and celebrity culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Mary Lynn Rajskub: Comedy, “Heiston,” and Stand-Up (02:25–49:21)

Behind the Scenes: “Heiston” & Acting

• Adam and Mary Lynn on “Heiston”
  • Adam praises her new Amazon pilot, “Heiston,” complimenting its strong execution and stylized period feel.

    “It’s really interesting ... man, is this thing well-executed … It’s sort of period, right?” — Adam (05:57)

  • Mary Lynn describes her character’s 50s/60s housewife look, revealing a wig secret:

    “It was Jack Black’s wig from Nacho Libre!” — Mary Lynn (06:36)

  • She explains the show’s quirky premise: the family’s son has imaginary celebrity friends, including Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers, to comedic and dramatic effect.

    “The whole pilot is about his mental state. It’s very slow moving ... but it’s not your typical show that’s, like, shooting up drugs.” — Mary Lynn (12:05)

Stand-Up and Audience Perception

• Mary Lynn’s Comedy Journey
  • She reflects on her unique path:

    “Honestly, I feel like I’ve just started doing stand-up ... only within the past year or two have I tried to write a joke.” — Mary Lynn (14:46)

  • Discusses performing for fans who know her from serious roles, the challenge of shifting their expectations, and her evolution from performance art to more joke-structured sets.

    “I have to kind of bend their mind and take them somewhere they weren't expecting to go.” — Mary Lynn (14:18)

Riffs, Rituals, and Hygiene

• Eyebrow Grooming & Body Hair Mergers

  • Adam’s comedic woes about hair maintenance, channeling “Pangea” imagery as his brows threaten to “become one.” (04:18)

    “Everything in my body's trying to merge.” — Adam (04:00)

• Running Joke: The Bathroom Call

  • A caller initiates a deep exchange on public toilet seat covers (“ass gaskets”) and the futility of elaborate rituals:

    “Nine out of ten things we do are sort of symbolic and ritualistic ... It’s all in your head.” — Adam (19:55)

  • Mary Lynn on the realities of public restrooms:

    “One out of five times, I’ll just be like, oh, I’m just gonna sit … and most of the time there’s a wetness.” — Mary Lynn (24:19)

  • The team delves into bizarre men’s bathroom behaviors, e.g., pissing on the toilet paper rolls, and attempts to educate children on proper urinal aim with Cheerios.

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2. Adam on Society, Rituals & Freeway Signs (31:13–40:21)

• On Freeway ETA Signs:

  • Adam’s signature rant about the uselessness of digital freeway ETA signs:

    “We have giant, expensive digital freeway signs all through Los Angeles ... put something on there somebody could use, then I’m for it.” — Adam (32:25)

  • Mary Lynn wryly suggests, “Everyone’s butt is the same.” (33:16)

• Philosophy of Public Messages:

  • Adam draws a parallel to broadcasters:

    “What if I told you this microphone was hooked up to 10 Rose Bowl stadiums… Come with the same attitude!” (36:04)

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3. Parenting, Life Lessons, and Family Rituals (40:43–49:19)

• Teaching by Bribery:

  • Mary Lynn shares how her son was bribed with a train set for using the toilet, and Adam calls attention to human nature:

    “Being bribed is like one of the earliest human impulses on the planet.” — Adam (29:29)

• Best Life Advice:

  • Adam’s mantras for his son:

    “Don’t do your best; do my best,” and “If it doesn’t make you money and it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.” (41:34)

• Caller’s Dad Quote: “Close your legs. I can see all the way up to your breakfast.”

  • The panel rates the awkward “fatherly wisdom,” leading to a hilarious, collective groan. (43:53)

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4. Jo Koy Segment: Stand-Up Evolution, Audience, & Vegas Shows (50:10–97:24)

• Stand-Up Writing Process:

  • Jo Koy discusses his approach:

    “I go on stage with so many premises ... I know what the funny part of that story is going to be, and I just want to hurry up and get to that.” — Jo Koy (51:18)

• Changing Audience Expectations:

  • Conversation about how stand-up and live podcasts have evolved from punchline-driven sets to more improvisational, story-driven shows.

    “Now people are going up there and exploring ideas and improvising ... The audience has signed off on it more than the performers.” — Adam (52:19)

• Comedian Tributes:

  • Jo Koy offers Adam high praise for his improvisational skills:

    “I see you go up, and I don’t even think you have a thought. You create the thought the minute you grab the mic.” — Jo Koy (55:58)

• Vegas Recommendations:

  • Jo Koy and Adam riff on Vegas shows, comparing Boyz II Men’s live vocal prowess with Celine Dion’s often-lip-synced concerts.

    “Boys II Men are doing two and two and two ... they gotta prove it every single night.” — Jo Koy (91:18)

  • Jo Koy plugs the child-friendly “Jabbawockeez” show at MGM as a must-see.

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5. Sports Talk — Kobe Bryant, Shaq, and Athlete “Fun” (60:09–68:10)

• Kobe Bryant’s Retirement:

  • The team discusses his legacy, controversies, and comparisons with Michael Jordan.

    “I always explain to people, sometimes telling somebody to fuck off can make you exquisitely happy ... Before you do anything, figure out: do you enjoy it or does it make you money?” — Adam (41:40)

• Great Athletes vs. Entertainers:

  • Adam and the group debate why so few superstar athletes are truly “fun.” (68:00–68:45)

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6. Adam’s Rants & Observations (Winding Down)

• Brick & Mortar – On changing Black Friday shopping habits and the literal versus metaphorical meaning of “brick and mortar” (99:04)
• Holiday Rituals – Adam extols the value of old-fashioned, calorie-burning holiday rituals over the convenience of modern shortcuts (109:05), drawing a connection between effort and meaning in life.

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7. Harland Williams Segment: Showbiz Childhood, Bird Calls, and Being a Rebel (118:37–end)

• Racing Scares & Danger (119:26–125:26)

  • Adam shares recent racing stories, car mishaps, and the adrenaline of high-speed driving.

• Harland Williams: Kid of Privilege, Bird Calls, and Clef Jokes

  • Harland describes his dad’s status as Solicitor General of Ontario, getting front-row access to celebrity events, and standing by his long hair in the face of British royalty.

    “My dad had dinner with the Queen Mother of England ... you can come, son, if you cut your hair. I said, no.” — Harland (159:20)

• Classic Outlandish Humor:

  • The two riff on funny T-shirts, narcissistic license plates, Calvin peeing decals, and bird sound impressions.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Eyebrow Shaping:

  “My decree is: make it look like I didn’t. Like we’ve never met.” — Adam (04:51)

• On the Ritual of Public Toilet Covers:

  “It’s all in your head. That being said, no one wants to go down to the rendering plant and then go eat a hot dog.” — Adam (19:55)

• On Life Lessons for Kids:

  “If it doesn’t make you money and it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.” — Adam (41:35)

• On Stand-Up Now vs. Then:

  “Now people are going up there and like exploring ideas and improvising and doing live podcasts ... it’s more that the audience has signed off on it more than the performers.” — Adam (52:19)

• On the Evolution of Rituals:

  “Christmas and convenience are not the same ... you can take everything in Christmas and go, well, it’s faster, it’s less mess. But that’s what makes us us, right?” — Adam (109:05)

• On Birthing “Hot” Names:

  “If you name your kid Harlan, you know he’s going to be in his 40s doing bird calls on a podcast.” — Adam (181:28)

• Harland On His Dad’s Expectations:

  “He’s created an imaginary brother and it hurts ... At the barbecue, he serves him first.” — Harland (158:14)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Mary Lynn Rajskub, Stand-up & "Heiston”: 02:19–49:21
• Public Toilet Rituals / Social Rituals: 19:31–25:48
• ETA / Freeway Sign Rant: 31:13–40:21
• Life Advice & Life Lessons: 40:43–49:21
• Jo Koy Stand-Up Process/Vegas Shows: 50:10–97:24
• Kobe Bryant Discussion: 60:04–68:10
• Holiday Rituals/Modern Convenience Rant: 109:05–111:37
• Harland Williams: Racing & Childhood Anecdotes: 118:37–162:08

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Final Thoughts

This episode features the Adam Carolla Show at its best: loose, smart, and relentlessly funny. With classic rants, deep dives into the mundane, and offbeat guests, it embodies the blend of observational humor and personal confessions fans love. Whether you want to revisit fan favorites or are curious about Adam’s takes on everything from comedy to Christmas, this Carolla Classic overdelivers.

Mahalo!

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of angie, and one thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. Because with every fix, update and renovation, it becomes a little more your own.

[Brian Bishop]

So you need all your jobs done well.

[Adam Carolla]

For nearly 30 years, Angie has helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter, from plumbing to electrical, roof repair to deck upgrades. So leave it to the pros who will get your jobs done well. Angie the one you trust to find

[Brian Bishop]

the ones you trust.

[Adam Carolla]

Find a pro for your [e-mail] hey sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check Anyway. Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya.

[Brian Bishop]

So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

[Podcast Narrator]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to hear any of the full episodes played today, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com There you'll gain access to the full archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Beat It Out. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorola.com now we can play everything in this feed from the Adam Carolla show. All almost 4200 episodes. Original episodes. We can't play anything from the Loveland days or from the KLSX Adam Carolla show which ran from January of 2006 through February of 2009. 715 episodes. So if you're writing in to request those clips, we can't play them. I have been restoring both of those archives for decades now. If you want to check out my work patreon.com Giovanni alright, let's get to the clips. Coming first we have Adam Carolla Show 1713 from 2015 featuring Marilyn Ricegupp, Joe Coy, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day Gina Grad.

[Brian Bishop]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

And Bald Brian, Extra Hairy Pussy.

[Dawson]

Had to make sure that got in from yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Marilyn Rice Cub is here. Oh, it's been a while. From 24 mostly, but then everywhere and movies and TV and arcs and everything and not Noah's type, but guest arcs and she's one of these.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

What's the face you're making when you're trying to figure out how I feel?

[Adam Carolla]

I close my eyes. I think I'm looking. Your career hurts a little. It stings?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Oh, it hurts?

[Adam Carolla]

No. You know, I was thinking it's not fair, but I always said, like, you know how Katy Perry looks like she's thinking about something dumb at all times. Mary Lynn looks like she's thinking about something deep.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I thought about it.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of pressure. It's a lot.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

You guys, I'm thinking about getting electroshock therapy. I haven't really looked into it, but either that or botox. I'm not sure which one.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you can do them both. I think if the clinic's not in the other clinic, it's next door like

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

a Pizza Hut Starbucks combo.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

The pilot with the electroshock therapy would kill two birds with one stone because of my. I would just get the benefits of the Botox of like having no expression. I don't know. I haven't really looked into it, but we'll see. Wish me luck.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm about. My brows are about due to be done, which I hate to say, but

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

do you get waxing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I'm thrilled to see you, by the way. It has to be done otherwise my forehead and my eyebrow will connect and then my two eyebrows, everything in my body's trying to merge.

[Brian Bishop]

So like pangea.

[Adam Carolla]

What it is, is my ankle hair is trying to make it. Trying to make it to my ass. My ass is trying to meet the back of my neck.

[Brian Bishop]

It's so hot.

[Adam Carolla]

My two eyebrows are trying to become one and then my brows are trying to meet my temples. Hair wise. Oh, and my ears I think are trying to get to my sideburns.

[Dawson]

Marilyn, this is called the hard sell.

[Adam Carolla]

It's working for you.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I'm getting worked out.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you do diy? You do it yourself?

[Adam Carolla]

I pluck out the middle part every once in a while to do it myself. But I can't do the wax part

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

like the in between a few strays before it gets a few strays.

[Adam Carolla]

But then I always give the same answer to the like Eastern European woman who wants to know what shape do you want your eyebrows in? And I just Go make it look like I'm interested. That's my only answer to her, which never cracks her up.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So you get the under here, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to go, like, full Jersey Shore.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I tell them, just do the one up the top. I make it easy. I make it easy for them, because my decree is make it look like I didn't. Like we've never met. Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my plan as a dude.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, as a dude.

[Brian Bishop]

I always say make them look pornier. And if they don't know what I'm talking about, I go to another eyebrow lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet.

[Brian Bishop]

With a real high arch.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah, that sounds old school. Like porny. Super. Like, kind of perfect.

[Brian Bishop]

Now I think to me, it just means, like, that high arch. And that if they don't get it, then I go somewhere else.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I just tell them Agnes Moorehead. And if they don't know what I mean. And Dora from the Boy.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Interesting. The guy wants to kind of look interested, and the girl wants to just look like.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Anytime you meet someone, you're just in the middle of taking it.

[Adam Carolla]

You get me?

[Brian Bishop]

You totally get it.

[Adam Carolla]

The pilot, it's on Amazon. It's called Heistin, and it's really good.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Did you watch it?

[Adam Carolla]

I did. Oh, awesome. I watched it today, and I know. You know it's good because you wanted me to see it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Because it's good.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's really interesting. And I don't know, as I was just talking. I was just talking to Baby Doll Dixon about this. Ideas. It's all in the execution, but, man, is this thing well executed. It's sort of period, Right?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Or it takes place in a nether world of Americana.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause you have a little sort of 50s 60s housewife going for you. Or a little non. Doesn't feel like 2015.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, you know, my normal hairstyle is too cool. I'm just too, like, hip. So I had to. I have a wig. Can I tell you a secret about that wig?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, we wanted it to look like Raquel WELCH Circa late 70s, I guess. Like a short, curly. I tried it on, and the hairstylist was like, you know, kind of laughing. She's like, it's a little bit big. And we were like, oh, we love it. We love this look. And then after we were loving on it, she admitted that it was Jack Black's wig in Nacho Libre. She's like, I'm gonna take it in a little bit. Like, I could Fit a whole hand in there. And then I started after the first wave of just like, oh my God, this wig is so great. Then it was another wave of crying, laughing, that I'm wearing the Nacho Libre wig.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a little Annie to it.

[Brian Bishop]

Little Orphan Annie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Little Orphan Annie.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Now, are you probably against that because it's such a specific look, but it's really well done, the show. Right. Not my way.

[Adam Carolla]

It's stylized and it's even shot on. It's probably digitally shot, but it has a little effect on it that makes it look not like high def, you know, brand new. Like if you're watching a sporting event or something like that.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I feel defensive of the show because I love it so much, but it's very niche y and it's a very specific. I just think it's so beautifully done.

[Adam Carolla]

Who wrote it? Because it's very sharp.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Bob Nelson, who wrote the movie Nebraska? Did you see that movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Very good with the dialogue.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of jokes that aren't jokes, they're just dialogue that fit perfectly within the actual body of the piece. But it's very funny.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

What about Chris Parnell, my on screen husband?

[Adam Carolla]

Parnell's great too. The best, right, you guys, I'm telling you, gary pulled a 60 second clip. Gary, which clip did you pull? This is from kind of the beginning of the pilot episode where the doctor has been meeting with Mary Lynn and his other family members and now they're going to bring him in and he's got his imaginary friend flee with him.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Should we say what the show's about?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the show is. Well, you can. There's part of me that wants to do it to prove to you I watched it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I'm so excited that you did.

[Adam Carolla]

They have a 19 year old son. He was named after a relative who was tortured during World War II. One or two, I believe. Turns out by his own men. It's one of those things that just sort of jokes. It keeps unpeeling like an onion. But he has imaginary celebrity friends that he talks to. And the counselor sort of wants to know, is that a bad thing? And Mary Lynn is not. When he's talking to Meryl Streep, she's giving him good stuff. But like Daniel Day Lewis is kind of cost.

[Harlan Williams]

Not so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Not so much. So Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers pops up as Flea to speak to the sun.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So great in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Heiston. Now we can play the clip. He. Would you join us, please? He just got done Talking to Flea, I guess. There's the wig. Have a seat.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Oh, my God, the wig is so big.

[Harlan Williams]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, Ston. How you feeling?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I feel great.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you for asking.

[Harlan Williams]

Is there anyone with you today?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Flea. Oh, for fuck's sake, bud.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Don't say fucks.

[Harlan Williams]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

What's a Flea? The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Don't you guys remember him playing in just a sock?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, that's dangerous. You should have two socks and case

[Adam Carolla]

of splinters, not his feet.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Chili Peppers never cared for their music. Oh, Flea can hear you. Tell Flea I'm sorry. You. You pompous brain. Diddling. Did Flea say something? He said, apology accepted.

[Jo Koy]

Flea is a music.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. Takes place in a. Again.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I love it so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Feels. Feels like a period thing, but it could just be an alternate universe thing. But really clever. Really well done and really good.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you please tell me who Curtis Armstrong was just playing? Because that made me really happy to see him.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Uncle Billy. He's his uncle that sort of gets where he's at.

[Brian Bishop]

So he's real.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he has some good funny lines as well. So, again, it's on Amazon, and it's one of those things that we're talking about before where it's sort of. They put it to committee and everyone votes and everyone has a say. And then the strong shall survive. So you go, what's our call to action? Go to Amazon.com pilot season.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah, you can Google Amazon pilot season, and it's super easy, and they let you watch them for free and you can vote on them. It's pretty fascinating when you see the five or six that they've put up and you can see everybody's comments. You can see graphs and charts of what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's the Internet at its best, which is. There's nothing more frustrating than you slave away on a pilot. It goes to what I always call friends of your mom when you're growing up. The super dour, weird women with the weird hair, yentas. And they go into a room and they make a decision on whether it's gonna get on TV or not. And it's sort of like, I know if we could put this in an auditorium, there'd be a lot of laughs. But I don't think you guys get it. And then it just gets shelved and you never see it again. This is the ultimate auditor. It's Amazon. It's the Internet.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah. I mean, this show is. I just think it's so unique and it has such A heart and soul to it, but it's really. I mean, the whole pilot is about his mental state. And you can tell even from that clip it's very slow moving, it's very funny, but it's not like your typical show that's like shooting up drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

And then we cut to this and

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

then we cut to that, like where it's. I don't know. I just love how introspective and thoughtful the whole piece is.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they 24 the movie again? Wait a minute, do we already did one? We coming up with the number two? Are they going up with a 48?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Here's what happened. It's been two years since the new installment came back. We did 12 of them. It wasn't a movie. We did 12 in London and it's gone again.

[Adam Carolla]

This weird thing where stuff is coming and going and then switching networks so often that I'm not sure what season or whether it's off the air or it's back on the air or if they made it into a movie or if I'm just imagining the whole thing.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So 24 was gone for like four years and then they brought it back and it was a lot of hype. And, you know, the shows came out really great. I went to London for five months. We did a really good job on them, really proud of them. And then they left it open ended and it just. Nothing has been done with it.

[Adam Carolla]

And also. So that for you, for now is done.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

That for me, for now is done. And I'm gonna just say for my own sanity, it's done forever, because I can't. I mean, I gotta live life, you

[Adam Carolla]

know what I mean?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I'm doing a lot of standup. A lot of standup. It's very interesting because sometimes I'll be in Florida and people right as I'm about to go on stage, someone will approach me and be like, I'm the hugest fan of yours, all smiling and happy. And my friends on Facebook love you and get a picture with you. And why are you here? Why are you doing standup? Like, what are you doing? Like, it's such a. You know, I'm torn because I love comedy so much and that's my first love. But a lot of my. The people that buy tickets know me from 24.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So it's kind of awesome because I have to kind of bend their mind and take them somewhere that they weren't expecting to go. And a lot of them maybe don't even ever go to comedy clubs. But, you know, it's interesting to have that as your credit as you take the stage. Like not really a funny show. So it's, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what. How much standup did you do before you got into acting or after you got out of college? Or was that, you said kind of a first love, but it was, was it something that you did full time?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, I honestly, I feel like I've just started doing standup because it's only within the past year or two that I've in earnest tried to write a joke. Because when I was in college, I was going to school for painting and doing performance art and people would laugh at me, but I didn't know why they were laughing. So I was always really alternative and I would do something different every time and it didn't make any sense even really to me. I think I was just kind of neurotically compelled to perform and got acting work for that. But I was always sort of funny and weird as a Persona. And now I'm approaching it like, I don't know, I think I'm a little bit more grown up and have a, you know, a little bit more sane now. So I'm like, oh, that's how you, how I would work on it if I wanted to structure a joke and a show for people.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, having seen your stand up a few times, I got. I agree, it is more. It's like hilarious performance art.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Because it's been a few years and it wasn't the regular joke structure.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I found that. I was thinking. I found myself trying to think of some of my earliest earlier jokes the other night. Going to sleep for some stupid reason just to figure out if I could figure out what the punch lines were, which I couldn't really. I knew the theme of them, but I think most comedians have a. I mean most human beings have a version of themselves when they were 21 or 19 or 23 that doesn't really resemble the version of themselves that they are now. Full head of hair. Yeah.

[Dawson]

For example.

[Adam Carolla]

And stand up is for sure one of those things. I mean, it's probably not that way for a handful of Chris Rocks of the world. But you take a guy like George Carlin. George Carlin wasn't George Carlin. When George Carlin was telling jokes at 23, he was wearing a tie and short hair. He was doing a version of stand up comedians.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

But it's so special about Chris Rock. If you see early him, you're like, oh, that's him. But just like younger and his voice is A little bit higher.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But 92% of comedians, if you tried to tell them about their younger version of themselves doing stand up, it'd just be like, I think it's the way you look at yourself in relationships. Like, you Picture yourself at 19 in a relationship and you're like, oh, fuck, what was I even? I had no business. I told everyone an apology. Jesus, I was so mature. Like, what was I do? What was I thinking? So on and so forth. You feel that way, I imagine.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Oh, my God, about times a thousand. I mean, I used to mumble and, you know, stare off into space. And it was me in the moment on this tightrope of maybe I would hit something, but most of the time I wouldn't. But then when I did, it was fantastic. And it's so anxiety inducing and so counterproductive to actually having a clear voice. That wasn't a very direct answer, but no, but it.

[Adam Carolla]

You would never want to go back and do your material from 20 years ago.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

No. And I mean, I don't know if I had any material. I had performance. A couple people reminded me lately that. And this is pretty good. It was more conceptual and this was. And I remember approaching it being so much anxiety and I wanted to perform so bad, but I didn't know what to do. So I did Joan Rivers act verbatim. And nobody got that I was doing it. And it was. I don't even remember something. It was pre Internet, so I don't even know how I. I think I must have got a CD or something. But it was, you know, Stevie Wonder. That's that son of a bitch. It looks like he's wearing a lamp macrame plant holder on his head.

[Adam Carolla]

The nose. The nose on.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

What's his name? Rod Stewart. He could. If he had a cocaine problem or he would inhale. I don't even. It was just a lot of, like, quick jabs like that. And I memorized it and I did it and paused for laughter, and nobody laughed. And then I played it back and it was, you know, huge laughter. And I said, that's on you. Like, you guys. I delivered it exactly as it was supposed to be delivered and just how Joan wanted it. And I think I did Gallagher's act. So I did a lot of.

[Dawson]

You're a cover band.

[Adam Carolla]

The comedy is you could get up there and say, this is an old Rodney Dangerfield joke and still get the same laughs. If you executed the. That joke, which is no one wants to do, but would be. It still would work. I got a Couple of phone calls up there. Public toilet seat liners. All right, Pete, line five. Pete, Adam, pleasure to talk. 42 from Walla Walla, Washington. What's going on?

[Sandra]

Hey, I'm on a business trip today and I found myself contemplating. I was not playing at my home field and had to drop a deuce.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was sitting there looking at

[Sandra]

the paper liner and I was just wondering what your stance is on those things.

[Adam Carolla]

Given that I really respect and appreciate

[Sandra]

your bathroom and hygienetics.

[Dawson]

I have realized this call again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nine out of ten things we do are sort of symbolic and ritualistic. Like we hate the notion of our ass being where another person's ass is. But then whenever they do the real test, they find out that the universal remote on the TV for the hotels always get twice as much fecal matter on it than any bathroom handle or knob or whatever. And my theory is, is when they do those tests and they don't get the results they want, they just keep it under their hat. But they do find out that the public. That the phone in the room or that the desk or the whatever. So it's all just sort of. It's all the keyboard, it's all just up in your head. That being said, no one wants to go down to the rendering plant and then go eat a hot dog. It's still even. There's a part between us intellectually knowing. It's sort of like when you hear about ethnic cleansing or something, you go, mmm, that's horrible. And then you get back to Sportscenter or you get back to whatever you're doing. Like you can intellectually know what's going on, internalize it, right? Or genital mutilation or something like that. Like all those stories you hear about, you know, oh, four year old was killed in crossfire with gang bangers and all that. You kind of go, oh, man. And then you're right back to where you are.

[Dawson]

You make the Maryland rice cup face for a second and then you go

[Adam Carolla]

right back to that. I didn't want to say thank you. So most of that stuff is bullshit. And I wouldn't worry about it. The only good thing I liked about it, and the only thing I miss about construction is the porta potties would always say Mexican space shuttle on the outside of it. And then on the inside, when they got to ass gaskets, it would say free cowboy hats. And it would have an arrow down to the ass gasket. And that's really the only part about the business that I miss. I did finally Figure out what that flap was for.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What is that for? That center flap that's attached but doesn't. It's meant to sit in the water and it gets sucked up, be pulled down.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait a second. I heard the exact opposite. I heard you turn it the other way. And it's supposed to face front and to cover that front in between your legs.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It's hard to know a toilet. And I was surprised by it, too.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think it's both. I think you. I think you face it. I think you face it forward and it sits in the water and gets pulled down.

[Dawson]

I think forward or backwards, it is meant to be pulled down. The forward makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. Like when I walk in on. It's like discovering a robin's nest. The person that's made their own out of 146, a little mosaic. They took 146, six pieces of broken off toilet paper and cobbled together their own little ass nest. And then just leave it there.

[Brian Bishop]

And also, because paper is impermeable,

[Adam Carolla]

everything we do is insane. So maybe it would be better.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

You're saying we don't want to face the fact when we're going into the bathroom that someone else has just used the bathroom. That was your.

[Adam Carolla]

We have this. Here's how we're wired. My ass is like a snowflake. No other ass exists. That's like my precious little ass. And everyone walks through life with my ass is special. And then my ass can't make contact with your ass. It's so weird. We spend half our lives trying, desperately trying not to make contact with people's, like, arms on Southwest flights and asses on public toilet seats. And the other half of our life is trying to grind against other human beings we don't know, like, fuck or,

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

you know, one or the other. Everything or nothing.

[Dawson]

Blow up your mind.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird that a guy could. He could take a Southwest flight, not touch elbows with anyone to Vegas, take a shit at McCarran, make his little nest of ass gasket, and then go to the ranch and fuck three horse that night.

[Sandra]

Or toss their salad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, thank you. Lot of rain. Did you need that? So me, Pete, I don't care. I realize that the millimeter of material between my ass and the other person's ass is not gonna make a difference. And then also, I don't look at my ass as special. Like, I don't like, well, my ass is pristine, but yours is haunted.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

God knows I don't want my ass getting that bad. People Any of that bad juju from your stinking. Everyone's ass is bad or everyone's ass is good, but it's equal pretty much the same.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I try to hover to go number one, and then every probably one out of five times, I'll just be like, oh, I'm just gonna sit. I'm not gonna think about it. And most of the time there is a wetness and there's that moment of like. And then a second later it's like, oh, well, then you kind of forget about it and your jeans soak it up and it's disgusting. But then you forget about it.

[Adam Carolla]

They need the ass gasket to roll out forward and then roll down a little bit. It's because it's more the jeans down on the floor and against the bowl. That's your parting gift?

[Dawson]

That's the front part.

[Adam Carolla]

Because whatever's stuck to your ass is fine, but whatever's on the back of your jeans when they're going against the bowl and then against the tile floor. That lives forever. You're taking that back to your hotel room.

[Dawson]

Am I the only one that does the first thing in the stall? Grab a wad of toilet paper. Not a huge one, but like medium sized, wipe down, whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do that. That's the first thing.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

I just go to another bar even

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

though I just said I sat in wetness. How often can you not get it out of the thing, though?

[Dawson]

Fairly often. You have to get in there and dig around, swipe like a cat. Like you had batting at a yarn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do. It's like something got stuck in the vending machine. Getting your hand up there. I know. I've talked to the guys who make those things. They'll make them for two turns and then a break. Oh, so you can't just yank it and have it go, you know, unfurl, you know, they'll have it where it'll go ratchet, ratchet break. You're talking about the toilet paper now? Yeah, by design. Makes sense, right?

[Dawson]

It does make sense. I had not observed that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what you guys haven't observed? Because women aren't full blown fucking pigs like men. The once in a while at the park where they'll just have the. They'll put like three toilet paper rolls out there and they'll put them on those metal things that do the two turn and then break, inevitably some guy will just piss all over the roll. It does happen sometimes, which is really, to me, I see no difference between you and Charles Manson. Like in terms of like a sort of. Sort of cosmic hierarchy. Like, you have the same dark soul. You're not actually stabbing anyone yet.

[Dawson]

But I mean, it's an indicator.

[Adam Carolla]

In a weird way. I think I could make a better argument for Manson than this.

[Dawson]

That's the domain of the teenager or preteen. Right. That's the domain of the 13 year old.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it like collateral spray or.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Dawson]

It's intentional.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally, just. I am going to soak this roll that this poor man of color changes at the end of each week. I'm going to just soak it all. I'll douse it all with my own piss. It's unusable, obviously. And then it's. You can't even get it off the. I don't know how you get some fucking salad tongs to get that thing off the roll.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

You're right. That isn't acting out. That's a subversive.

[Adam Carolla]

The real question is the problem with the penis. The penis is two things. The problem with the penis is the full bladder meets. The reason the bladder is full is I've had nine beers, which now meets the ability to pee on the roll. Or guys. I'll tell you how most guys are wired. If most guys drink a few beers and do that move where they're gonna go take a piss like they're camping or something, and they're gonna go, step away from the area and take a piss over by the tree over there are pissing. I want to know, show of hands. Most guys pissing after a few beers. I say camping, but could easily be in your backyard or something. Just few beers.

[Dawson]

Now we're talking my language.

[Adam Carolla]

Taking a piss. And you're taking a piss and you look down to your left and you see an ant hole and it's, you know, a foot to the left. How many guys turn and start pissing on something?

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Versus pissing on nothing.

[Dawson]

Replace anthold with something or anything. And yes, it's like. It's like you're given. You're given a sniper rifle. It's gonna close your eyes and shit indiscriminately.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dawson]

You got a fucking sniper rifle. Shoot a pigeon at 200 yards.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It's just fun, you know, I didn't realize how much fun. The urine.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys can't really. You don't have dominion over your piss like we do. Those are flying monkeys.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

We just do it.

[Adam Carolla]

They can do our bidding. Like. So we can just sit there and go, well, I can just piss in this Fucking planter box. It's not really getting anywhere. Or there's a snail over here.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Are they also your carrier pigeons? No, they didn't carry a message.

[Brian Bishop]

Isn't that how you're supposed to teach little boys to pee in the toilet? I saw that. You're supposed to put Cheerios or throw something in the toilet and be like, aim at that. You have a son, right?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that a thing?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

No, he got it with the pee. It was. I remember with the number two. It was putting a chart above the toilet of the thing you will get for bribery. Taking it to the toilet.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. What do you think?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

That worked really well. He got a train set, which he liked the moment he opened it and then didn't like it at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But you, you essentially did a fecal bribe.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes, it was a fecal bribe.

[Adam Carolla]

You greased his ass.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So, yeah, all fingers pointing at me.

[Adam Carolla]

You do understand, real quick with kids, like, being bribed is like one of the earliest human impulses on the planet. It's really like, I don't want to do this. All right, how about a lollipop? Okay, I will do it.

[Dawson]

Econ 101 is incentivize people.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam. Speaking of fecal bribe, you should probably take a look at this.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

My son was home sick from school today and I asked him to draw a picture of you. And it.

[Brian Bishop]

Awesome.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It was about three or four anger episodes. It was first. I can't do that. And then he started with the pants, as you could see.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks good. Yeah.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

We had to add extra paper.

[Adam Carolla]

How old is your son?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

He's seven. He started to do the detail of your facial upper lip scan. He gave up on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't do your best. Do my best, by the way, which I enjoy. He was very proud of my shirt,

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

of getting the shirt done. The eye expression was purely him. I did the hairline. I had to prompt him to get him to draw.

[Adam Carolla]

That's sweet of you.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Well, you know, I'm happy to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell my assistant. Matt, I think we have our next ask It. Just go ahead and cut out. It's suitable for families. You know what, you can realize it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

You can aim your piss at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, Ooh.

[Dawson]

Do you still have that chart?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I'm not precious about. I'll make a new chart.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank you. We'll take a picture and we'll put it [e-mail]. how about that? All right, let's see one more. Let's see. Public toilet. Speaking About. Well, let's see. I'm going to hop up the line 1 Robert 28 Garden Grove. What's going on? Mahalo, man. Gina, I love you in the morning Bald. I love the film Vault. And Mary, I love you as Gail the snail on Always Sunny. Oh, my gosh.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was driving down the freeway the

[Sandra]

other day and I saw ETA to

[Adam Carolla]

your destination kind of thing on the signs above the freeway to, like, LAX and, you know, certain cities.

[Sandra]

I'm thinking, isn't that outdated now, too?

[Adam Carolla]

And that's on there, like, half the time. Like nowadays people use Waze and Google. Like it tells you when you're going to be there. Here's what I don't like about those ETAs they have. We have giant, expensive digital freeway signs all through Los Angeles, and we don't know what to do with them. So we put stuff like, hey, it's a drought. You know, conserve my least favorite click it or ticket, which means nothing. And then we have the sort of insane request of keep your eyes on the road, except for the things 22ft above the road. And you obviously want us to look at it. So which is it? The road or 22ft above our head? And then there's this destination in the ETA part, which is. Because if you're on the 101 freeway and you're crawling toward the Topanga exit, it's either 18 minutes or it's 22 minutes, or it's 32 minutes, it just is. That'll be up to you. If they could change the eta, then it would be something I could use. But this is nothing but stuff I already know. And it slows people down because there's always a slowing at that part where people look up and read what's going on. Now drive like champions or stop blaming your parents or have you exercised today. Or inflate your tires or ass gaskets are for no brainers. Whatever it is. Like, put something on there somebody could use, then I'm for it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

But the don't pee on the extra roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't pee on the extra roll.

[Dawson]

Hey, kid, I'm talking to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I think in this town it would remind more people to pee on the roll. Sadly, you're right. But anything that would get you anywhere.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Everyone's butt is the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

People are people.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Something other than the stupid ETA thing. Because also, if you're going to LAX and you're leaving from Burbank and you've left yourself nine minutes to get there, that's on you. Yeah, but again, you will arrive when you arrive. Yeah.

[Dawson]

The sign is gonna make a difference.

[Brian Bishop]

How do they even calculate it? Is there a pace car that I'm not aware of the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good. It's a good point. It would be a pretty sweet gig being the guy driving the pace card. And you radio back. Ah, it took me 21 minutes to get to LAX. And that's from the 110, 101 exchange. All right. Get up there, pronto. What are we sitting at? 23. That's erroneous. Repeat, erroneous. Remove now. Go. The eagle has landed.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

There's a traffic dog who was just trained especially.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe there's a traffic dog

[Harlan Williams]

also.

[Adam Carolla]

You never know. Like, you never, never says, 18 minutes to the Topanga off ramp, and you pull in and go, 16, 5. This is an outrage. Get the mayor's office on the phone right now. Like, it just is what it is. It's a perfect. The freeway signs, I think, are. It's our city, but our society in a nutshell, which is we have. I used to tell this to people who would come on the radio and say nothing. There's two versions of saying nothing. There's a version of saying nothing where you're just Bill Belichick at a press conference where it's just. You're really not saying anything at all. And then there's one where you're just. You're just saying, oh, Elliott Gould. Yeah, Elliot knows what I'm talking about. No, I would. Elliot. I'm sorry. No, I'm saying, say something. No. Well, no is something, but it's nothing. No, I don't think it is. Well, I'm not saying it's not something. I'm saying it's essentially nothing. I don't care. All right, well, no one asked you your opinion, Elliot. Yes, we did. Yes. Who? Or was it before the show? I don't care. Okay, now we're going in a circle. Who gives a shit? All right, Elliot Gould, let me tell you something, but I'll tell you. You want to talk some more? I do, but not about you. I would tell everyone this. This microphone. You're doing my morning show, or you're doing Loveline or whatever, and you're fucking tired and you got nothing to say, or you're gonna just repeat a joke you said 200 times, whatever it is. What if I told you that this thing was hooked up to 10 Rose bowl stadiums and they're all filled, and then you got behind the microphone like Lou Gehrig and you could talk to all 10 Rose Bowls that were filled with people. Would you say nothing? Then perk it up? And when you put it that way, then everyone goes, oh, no, I would burn some calories for that one. Okay, well, this is an invisible ten rose bowls filled. So come with the same attitude. And I'd say the same thing to the city about the electronic signs, which is it doesn't mean anything to anybody. But the reality is millions of people every day pass underneath these signs. You can impart whatever wisdom you would like to all the assholes who live in Los Angeles. And you have nothing. You have nothing. You have. Here's how long it's gonna take you to get to that off ramp. This is your commute, by the way. You know exactly how long it's gonna take you. There's a couple of people in from out of town or a rental car and they're using Garmin or Waze or whatever it is. So they already know. But if they don't know, what's the big deal? Because it is what it is. Or the click it or ticket or whatever the fuck. It's right up there. It's what I've yelled at the radio stations all the time. Remember those signs in front of the bank that used to tell the time? Yeah. Remember how they stopped doing that? You haven't seen one in 20 years.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

It's novelty when you do.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know why? Because it's in every car and it's on your phone and it's unnecessary because the banks were smart enough to get rid of the signs. Why are we burning calories on our signs when everyone has this in their phone and everyone has it on their clock alarm and everyone has it on their stereo in the car, but radio still gives that time out. Why? They don't care. They're just like the city of Los Angeles. They don't care.

[Dawson]

So you guys think about the time on your show?

[Harlan Williams]

Do you?

[Brian Bishop]

No, but when I flip around, there

[Adam Carolla]

are still stations that do a lot in the am. If you listen to the AM stations in the am.

[Brian Bishop]

But I wouldn't want Mark to do that because he'd be off by three hours.

[Dawson]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what these signs should say. They should tell you about ZipRecruiter. You're only as good as the people you hire. Posting jobs in one place, not enough to find quality candidates. ZipRecruiter, you can post to 100 plus job sites. Just one click, 24 hours. Watch the candidates just roll, roll in. Used by over 400,000 businesses. Rick. I don't want to say his last name, but he sings for the cars. Rick says. I had replies from highly qualified individuals within 24 hours. I'd highly recommend this service to anyone wanting to expand their business. ZipRecruiter. Go there today. ZipRecruiter.com Adam, they got a deal for you. ZipRecruiter.com adam. You guys can tweet me if you come up with something good for that sign. But a simple drive, like champions or a simple wake up.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Maybe a poem.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a poem at each light. Yeah, they keep going. Mm.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah, I like to, like, play. D'oh. You know, something that I haven't looked at or thought about in years. Just quotes from, you know, Canterbury Tales, something that I missed in school. I Help me help myself to learn more.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wanted problems. I just thought, like, the exercise today part with the question mark, just reminding people on their way home I should stop at the gym or I should get a little exercise when I get home.

[Harlan Williams]

That's really good.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

That's direct. It's clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you like the. If it steers, it clears, but we're too stupid to understand what that means, right?

[Adam Carolla]

In other cities where they speak more English or they understand something that we don't understand, they say, if it steers, it clears us. It's in the event of a small accident moved aside. It's too clever for us. Yeah, go ahead, Dawson. Driving back here on the 5, sitting in traffic for hours. All the signs said the whole way is heavy traffic. We're sitting in it.

[Dawson]

So insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

It does tend to exacerbate things, Right? Like, it's not only are we not doing anything to alleviate this traffic, we're just telling me I'm experiencing it. And now I'm also intellectualizing it as well.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

What if I just. I love you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Over and over again.

[Dawson]

Yeah, it's that sun's up for something.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It's a little bit better than go to the gym. Just go to the gym. I love you.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to the gym.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I love you. Hugs with a Z.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, one more. Joe Coy is here. We'll talk to him in a second. Sandra 54, Monterey, California. Oh, Monterey. Hi, Adam. Oh, you. What's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Sandra]

Oh, I just wanted to say thank you. Well, just on a side note, just thank you for skipping Allison Hammer nails. Everybody should listen to that. It's just the best thing that you've ever done recently. I should say thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

We like them.

[Sandra]

Yeah. Which one of your sayings, life lessons, quotes, pearls of wisdom are you hoping that Sunny takes to heart and learns and grows up and uses? Which one would make you proud to say, that's my boy? I have one that I'd like to bequeath to you from Natalia.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I was young money, cash money. We have. Yeah, young money, cash money. No, the don't do your best, do my best, which. We got a couple more days left on that T shirt. I was kind of thinking about what the next one is gonna be.

[Sandra]

Oh, okay. I have it.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always like, if it doesn't make you money and it doesn't make you happy, don't do it.

[Brian Bishop]

Amen.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd like it if my child lived that life, which is not. I always explain to people sometimes telling somebody to fuck off can make you exquisitely happy. So I don't mean not telling people to fuck off or fuck them or they're out of line. Sometimes that's. You feel happy, brings you joy. I'm just saying, before you do anything, just sort of figure out, do you enjoy it or does it make you money? Because obviously you do a lot of things you don't enjoy to make money, because that's just part of life and then the rest. But I feel like maybe two thirds of your life is spent in a realm that doesn't really.

[Jo Koy]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, when you say to that thing, like, what is this person doing and why are they bothering and how come. Yeah, how much of your life? Right?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I was getting ready to come here, and my son said, bye, Mom. I hope you make a lot of money.

[Sandra]

Can I tell you the one that you need to use for Natalia? Maybe a possible ringtone. My dad. When we were in church, we had to sing. And so we were on stadium cues and we had our dresses. And so when we were wearing our dresses and sitting up there waiting, and so when we got home, he was really steaming. And when he steams, he turns red and his nostrils flare and he's got the eyes. It's just really scary. But he would say,

[Adam Carolla]

hold on, everyone. Write down a number from 1 to 10. 10 being hilarious and moving, 1 being you've heard it a hundred times, and 3 being like, it didn't really make sense, but I get it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I lost the beginning of the story.

[Adam Carolla]

He's mad they're singing in church. His dad is mad his nostrils. All right, remember, 1 is unusable, 10 is, oh, my God, where have you been, my Whole life, Sandra. All right, ready?

[Dawson]

Who's going to judge the actual number? You know what I mean? Who's going to be the arbiter of what that actually is? So we know who.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe Mary Lynn.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's in the game.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, she'd have a pen. I wasn't sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, you're going to space out from

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

the beginning of it.

[Allison Rosen]

I got a number.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I got a number.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Sandra]

He would say, close your legs. I can see all the way up to your breakfast.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I was way off.

[Adam Carolla]

Took a turn for the sexual underage, too.

[Sandra]

I mean, you know, maybe. Kid. I just was really. It was. It was nice. It's a nice, clean thing to say, but it's very gross. I mean, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a merchant marine.

[Sandra]

He was a merchant marine. So he learned all kinds of things

[Adam Carolla]

cruising around the different ports of the world.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He fucked a few whores, but he doesn't have to do it in the. In. In his crib. Right. Like with the kids. Yeah.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I think big numbers for not what anyone expected.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, I don't know if I can fit that onto a T shirt.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Close your legs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Maybe a rain poncho.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It starts sexual, and then it gets kind of vomiting. Yeah. Gastrointestinal.

[Sandra]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been.

[Sandra]

I think I'd make a good ringtone, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh. Well, Sandra. Okay. I'm gonna make an argument for it, which is.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

It's also kind of trippy. Like, it gets real.

[Adam Carolla]

It had elements of pathos and humor. I was swept away momentarily. But it wasn't nonsensical.

[Harlan Williams]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I was prepared for what would be a two, maybe a two and a half, where you'd have to get her to repeat it three times. And it didn't really make sen. Ends. I gave. I.

[Jo Koy]

My.

[Adam Carolla]

My prejudge was a four.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

My pre judge was a three. Hey, that's what should go on the freeway signs.

[Dawson]

Gina, what was your pre. What was your prejudge?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I had really high hopes. I said a seven. Dad's come up with some stuff.

[Dawson]

I said a six.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no doubt that Dad's come up with stuff. It was the execution of what dad came up with as I was worried about.

[Dawson]

I said a six, and I feel comfortable with that.

[Brian Bishop]

It is troubling, though.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Oh, my gosh. I had the lowest number. I have no faith in anything. I have no faith or trust or interest.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you feel rating? I'm saying, out of five. Out of Five.

[Dawson]

Well, I laughed because I wasn't expecting anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I giggled a little bit.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I thought it was very creative as well and unexpected.

[Adam Carolla]

You set the vaginal breakfast bar so low.

[Dawson]

Yes, that's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

That down. We got to come out the line of vaginal breakfast bars called low free

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

vaginal breakfast bar, Holiday Inn Express.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the way to do it. You always be pleasantly surprised by the vaginal breakfast bar. That's what my dad used to say.

[Dawson]

So it's a little better than you think.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. Sandra?

[Sandra]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How's it going over there in beautiful Monterey?

[Sandra]

Oh, it's going beautifully. It's just everything's starting to turn green because it's getting to be rain, but it's just. Yep. Haven't been rolled up in any rugs lately, so I'm good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that caused emotional scarring when she was young.

[Sandra]

I've talked to Dr. Drew before, but

[Adam Carolla]

the incident when you were rolled up in a rug was from 44 years ago, right?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so see, she was the

[Dawson]

inspiration for the movie room. Huge spoiler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn it, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I'd say it's time to move on. It's enough.

[Dawson]

Three weeks, people.

[Sandra]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm still trying, Damn it. It's just, you know, later in life, you start thinking of these things, and they just don't go away till you have to get zapped in your head, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we've come full circle.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe you could tell Marilyn where to go.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah, I'm gonna try it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A little electroshock therapy.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Clear out the cobwebs.

[Adam Carolla]

They say it's good. Speaking of electrosh. Simply safe. Smarter home security. No aggressive sales guys. No wired, hardwired systems. You don't have to pull wires. You don't have to drill holes. You don't have to crawl around. None of that business. They can do a customized system. You go online, you set up your system. A few days later, boom Boom shows up on your doorstep and you put it in place in 20 minutes. Round the clock protection. Just 15 bucks. No long term lock in contracts. I talked to these guys. The guy invented this thing. He's like, I got tired of being screwed over by. You get these big fat contracts. You pay by the month. You pay through the nose. It's a gyp. That's right. I don't like to use foul language, but it is a gyp. A roo. You get the same protection as I get. If Mike August gets as Dawson gets, we all got it. Simply s. I M, P L. I simply say 10% off. Simplysafe adam.com 10% off. Oh, Mary Lynn. So people should go to, let's see, Pilot. Oh, I'm sorry. People should go to Amazon.com pilotseason they should watch Heiston, which is really interesting and smart. I love it.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I hope we get to do more. There's only one. If people aren't clear, that's what the deal is.

[Adam Carolla]

How many folks are you competing with? Do you know?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I think there's five or six other pilots.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can go to Mary Lynn and I'll spell it out and you tell me if I screw this up because Kaylin wrote it. Mary Lynn, go to marylin standup.com that I won't screw up. Mary Lynn, standup.com if you want to find out any of the dates where Mary Lynn's going to be playing and where she's coming, I'm in town for

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

a while at the Comedy Store, Los Angeles.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go. Go see Marilyn at the Comedy Store. Joe Coy's out there. We'll bring him in next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a joke you on the Adam Carolla Show, Dateline, Ashburn, Virginia. A 25 year old man was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon while attempting to enter parked cars.

[Harlan Williams]

The Department of Animal Services was also

[Adam Carolla]

called because the man had a parrot on his shoulder. Definitely not a Jew.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jo Coy in studio, everybody. Hello. Jo Koy is doing stand up everywhere as per usual. Fort Lauderdale improv. Coming up, Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, San Antonio, Pasadena Ice House. Hey, sir. Old backyard, Treasure Island. Again, more dates in Vegas. Treasure island as well. More dates. And go to the website Jo koy, j o k-o y.com Good to see you my friend.

[Jo Koy]

So good to see you, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you do? You do a ton of stand up. You go back and play these. You know, you go back to Cobbs all the time in San Francisco. You do all these events and you do them over. It's a constant circle of comedy. Just when you finish one, you begin the next. How much new material do you write and how does that process work?

[Jo Koy]

I go on stage with, with so many premises and I always tell myself I'm going to say those tonight. So that's my thought process and that's how I write.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a number of ideas and you're going to go up there and get into those ideas. Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

And I know the story and I know what the funny part of that story is going to Be. And I just want to hurry up and get to that as fast as I can. That it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when you go back to the same town six months later, it's different. It's different.

[Jo Koy]

It's different. The next show. Well, do you feel like I like to ad lib a lot. I have enough in my pocket to where I can carry a couple hours if I want.

[Adam Carolla]

And the box that big.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, I have enough, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm here. I have enough.

[Jo Koy]

I'm half white. I don't know if that means anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Half black would be better.

[Jo Koy]

Half white. He's from Buffalo.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel like there's a lot of. There's a lot more room these days? Like, here we are, we'll be in Napa, Sacramento and Fresno doing the podcast, which I don't think there was any room for live podcast five years ago, but there wasn't any room for Jeanine Garofalo going up and holding a notepad. Like we had to have Phyllis Diller up there or Rodney Dangerfield.

[Dawson]

Joan.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like joke, joke, joke, joke. We're used to a cane, so sort of Bob Hope cadence, a Ed Sullivan show kind of cadence. And now people are going up there and like exploring ideas and improvising and doing live podcasts and things like that. And it's more that the audience has signed off on it more than the performers.

[Jo Koy]

I feel like when I'm telling my stories, I feel like it's there. The style is, you know, I have the setup, I got the punch, I got the tag. I feel like when I talk, it's in joke form. I don't know what it is, but I don't have that. When I'm doing a story that I want to get to. If it's already long, I'm like, fuck it, it's done.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

My name is MacKenzie and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of

[Adam Carolla]

a non verbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

So I launched a GoFundMe to help

[Adam Carolla]

support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

I think that the Supreme Court.

[Adam Carolla]

The surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was struggling with. GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's

[Brian Bishop]

gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe.

[Jo Koy]

It's not going to work, and I need to get this audience to laugh again. Like, I don't. I don't want them to sit there and go, oh, Joe's writing right now, or we're listening to a fucking story. Like, if it's not funny to me and I'm not even laughing at it, I want to get out of it. So.

[Adam Carolla]

But do you feel like the audience is more sophisticated?

[Jo Koy]

I don't think my audience is.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not. They're stupid.

[Jo Koy]

Mine's completely stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, they're open to different. Different expressions. I understand comedy.

[Jo Koy]

I understand what you're saying, but I think I've built a fan base and an audience that. It's not like you're comparing a different style of comedy with mine.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm saying, in general, there was one format and one format only for standups, which is set up punchline, right to the next setup, right to the next punchline. And you were doing four jokes a minute. You know, I mean, it was boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, set up punchline. Now people are telling stories, People are doing podcasts. People are doing improvisational stuff. I mean, it's just a different world. It's sort of like, I guess it'd be explaining to people who were doing the Dick Van Dyke show, there's gonna be something called reality tv. It's like, what the hell? We take idiots who have really good physiques and we just film them.

[Dawson]

Yeah. We got drunk, we put them in the same house.

[Brian Bishop]

Why would you want to watch that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the whole point. Like, where were the riders? No, no, these are dumbos who look good with their shirts off. And we film them. Sometimes they get in fights. Yeah, it's like you couldn't explain it to them. My grandfather was a writer. He hated improv. Like, I was in an improv troupe. And he's like, where are the writers? Like, we're doing it in real time. He's like, feh. Yeah, yeah. I was a chick, I'd have an eating disorder for sure.

[Jo Koy]

Your style is fucking really fascinating to me. Like, I see you go up, and I don't even think you have a thought. I think you create the thought the minute you grab the mic. I'm not even trying to be funny right now, Because I've seen you do that before where you kind of just squint your eye and go, I think I want to talk about this. And then you rant for like 10 minutes on it. And sometimes I just go, where the fuck did that come from? And I think that's pretty amazing because it crushes too.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not burdened with thoughts.

[Jo Koy]

You know what I'm getting at. You know, I'm not trying to be funny.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know it. I'm not.

[Jo Koy]

I've seen you go off the cuff, and I've seen you squint your eye. And I know when I'm watching you do that, I go, he's thinking of what he wants to talk about right now at this second. Adam is thinking of what this show's gonna be about right now. And I think that is fucking brilliant. It's pretty amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is in that not that many people can do it. And it's not that in that not that many people give a shit. So I've made my peace with both. You know, it's like being able to suck your own dick. It's really impressive. And not that many people can do it, but you don't really get rich off it. You know what I mean? But it's still.

[Jo Koy]

You want to make money off of

[Adam Carolla]

it, but it still should be applied, it should be applauded, and we all wish that upon our own sons. But I don't know, I'm trying to think of how many guys can suck their own dick versus how many guys can go out and do a 90 minute improv show.

[Dawson]

Same number, same guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Same dude, the two dudes. Someone has to explain to Ron now that he's sucking his gut, not his, not his cock anymore. He's got a gut wrangler.

[Dawson]

He probably knows.

[Brian Bishop]

Gut fluffer.

[Adam Carolla]

Gut fluffer. Good band. All right, so Joe Coy is here, and we've been given the news, the short shrift lately. We just haven't been doing enough of it.

[Jo Koy]

I have to apologize to Gina publicly. I've promised her one of the most incredible hoodies that I own about 5 of. And every time I see her, I keep forgetting it to get it for her. And we keep looking at each other that look like she wants to tell me, hey, you forgot to get it for me again. And I'm looking at her like, I hope she forgot that I said that I was gonna get it for her.

[Brian Bishop]

What do I say every time you say oh, shit. I didn't buy you a hoodie. I say, as my mother would say, your presence is my present. And that makes him feel guilty and then he'll remember next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe is. You're the most thoughtful Stan I've ever met. He got me a poster framed picture of Evel Knievel sucking his own dick

[Brian Bishop]

as only he could.

[Adam Carolla]

I ate $1,000 worth of thinly sliced beef at his restaurant.

[Jo Koy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

And a car that you didn't know you could take back.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I didn't know there was a one way trip. Yeah, I know. They had reversed. And his hats. Which I should be wearing now.

[Brian Bishop]

You are.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Yep. That's the way I do it, man. And.

[Dawson]

Or Jimmy Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Or Jimmy Kimmel. JK is what they say. All right, should we do some news? Gina Grad.

[Jo Koy]

Yes, give me the news with Grad.

[Adam Carolla]

News with Gina Grad.

[Jo Koy]

Show Big congress tech news, sports news, world news.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me news with Gina Grad.

[Jo Koy]

Weird shit out of Florida sex surveys. Obama need.

[Adam Carolla]

News with Gina Gina the news with Gina Grad.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I'm sure you've all heard by now. Kobe Bryant announced Sunday night that he would retire from professional basketball after the completion of the 20152016 NBA season, which is his 20th in the league. Brian made his announcement in the form of a short poem entitled Dear Basketball. Now this is on the Players Tribune. I'd never heard of it before, but I'm fascinated. It's a website founded by the former Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter that publishes first person narratives from athletes. So a very short excerpt from the poem he wrote. You gave a six year old boy his Laker dream and I'll always love you for it, but I can't love you obsessively for much longer. This season is all I have left to give and that's that.

[Adam Carolla]

Aw, we're gonna miss Kobe. No, you don't. All right. I don't know.

[Dawson]

He's a horrible person.

[Jo Koy]

I can't figure out, is he a horrible person?

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, guys, remember that time in that hotel room in Colorado?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Remember when he butt raped that white girl?

[Brian Bishop]

Was it $4 million? Diamond apology?

[Adam Carolla]

What's race have to do with this?

[Dawson]

Allegedly.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great. Tina Turner once asked, what's this race have to do with butt rape? Rape. Well, all right, well, if we put him in the category of athletes who've had sex with strangers on the road, he's gonna join an elite fraternity. Everybody who's ever played in the NBA, Right?

[Dawson]

So just The Lakers alone.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so he's in there.

[Jo Koy]

Lakers alone.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna say everyone but A.C. everybody but A.C. green. James Worthy's like, where you been, brother?

[Jo Koy]

I think Michael Cooper was an honest man.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he had to be Michael Cooper.

[Jo Koy]

Not too many people.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael Cooper did Loveline once a million years ago because he was bragged about

[Dawson]

all the road tailing.

[Adam Carolla]

He did not. No. He was coaching the Sparks. Is he still coaching the Sparks?

[Jo Koy]

No, I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Told me that he sort of had a thing for ladies feet. Or either hands or feet, but feet. And for me, feet, you know, they're basically there to hold the titties up. I don't really see any other use for them, but kind of explain to me that I like the feetsies. Yeah. And extra hairy pussy. And I remember I was kidding around with him, but I think he meant it. So I don't know. I don't know.

[Dawson]

He wasn't bluffing on the feet.

[Adam Carolla]

But AC AC Was one of these guys who was a virgin until he got married, Right.

[Dawson]

Believe it was. If the reports are to be believed,

[Adam Carolla]

James Worthy got busted in one of these out of town prostitute whatever things. Remember that few years when he was playing Magic Johnson?

[Dawson]

Had an issue, I think maybe in the early 90s.

[Adam Carolla]

May have. So we all love Worthy and Magic, right?

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So I guess I'm just saying the sex with strangers.

[Dawson]

Yeah, you're right. That is a very wide paintbrush. That's a paint roller.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And then there's the part where tough on the teammates.

[Dawson]

Oh, Kobe is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dawson]

Notoriously. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a kind of Michael Jordan thing too where the guys are. They're super hard on themselves. They're super hard on everyone. Like they're just hard.

[Dawson]

Okay, well, let me ask you this then. Just.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know, I'm just looking to figure out what we should think of the man.

[Dawson]

Yeah, it's case complicated. He's obviously a great champion. He's a great player. One of the all time greats. Maybe top 10 player of all time. But maybe not the greatest person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but what I mean, outside of the dry anal rape, it wasn't dry.

[Jo Koy]

And that's what pisses me off.

[Adam Carolla]

This whole thing.

[Jo Koy]

It wasn't. It's demo.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is outside of the on the road and sort of being pretty demanding of yourself and others on the court, what are the asshole stories? I'm not saying there aren't anyone. Yeah.

[Dawson]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry. But you know what? I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Like, is he a notoriously bad tipper? Is he.

[Jo Koy]

Well, the Shaquille o' Neal thing was the worst asshole story of all.

[Dawson]

Yeah, that's kind of true.

[Jo Koy]

I mean, he just. He dismembered a fucking dynasty. Like, they had a chance to destroy every record. I mean, that's how good that team was. I mean, Shaq went on to win a championship the next year.

[Dawson]

Yeah, Gary might know this, too. Didn't he throw Shaq under the bus quite a bit during, like, the initial, like, questioning with the cops? Like, Shaq does this stuff on the road all the time, and he gets away with it. Like, didn't that happen? Yeah, I don't recall that, Chris.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something. Chris just keeps shouting, allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.

[Dawson]

I think that's actually the police report.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so either way, do you give a shit about him retiring?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Are you ready for the Lakers to rebuild their team without.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's your middle name. I don't care. I always tell people they've. They've won plenty. Look, if you are a Lakers fan, you've been overserved at the championship bar.

[Dawson]

Yes. You have had your fill.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's. You do have to sort of step back and look at the X amount of championships you've won over the last 30 years and kind of go, all right, let the Denver Nuggets fucking win one. If they even are Nuggets anymore.

[Dawson]

They are warriors would be good analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the warriors have been just fine lately, too. But I do like looking around at my friends who were Clippers fans for the last 20 years, like, real Clippers fans who stuck with them. And I sort of look and go,

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

okay, yeah, it's your time.

[Adam Carolla]

The Clippers win one. Yeah, you've earned it. Yeah, that's the way I feel.

[Jo Koy]

My son goes to Jordan camp every year, and he always has a Q and a. Jordan lets all the kids sit around and has a Q and A. And of course, these are kids, you know what I mean? They asked the obvious question. If you were to play Kobe Bryant, who would win? Like, that always comes up. And then Michael goes, I would, because he stole all my moves. And he says it like, not smiling, not joking. He delivers it like he stole all my moves. And he goes, I just want all you kids to know that he stole my kid all my moves. It'll point out his face. I'm. You want to ask Kobe that? He saw all my moves.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about.

[Jo Koy]

Is that bitterness or. Because if you watch Kobe play You kind of go, that looks like Michael Jordan right there.

[Dawson]

Let me just say the one thing about that. The previous generation will always have a problem with the next greats that come around. I will.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little difference with that.

[Jo Koy]

Little different with that guy.

[Dawson]

I'll only say this specifically as it pertains to. I think it was Wilt Chamberlain when he was asked about Michael Jordan, or I think even said to Michael Jordan, allegedly at one point, he like, remember, they changed the rules to prevent me from scoring. And they changed the rules to help you score. Like with the hand checking rules, the rules in the 80s that freed up scoring a little bit. But in the back in the day, they made a lot of rules to prevent Wilt Chamberlain from scoring 50 points a game.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting.

[Dawson]

Well, the previous generation will always have a problem with the next generation, but

[Jo Koy]

I don't think that has anything to do with moves. Like, if you watch, if you watch his style and the way he moved on the court, it does. I mean, even to the way he, he chewed his gum and his press, like it really is kind of like a clone of Michael Jordan. I think that's why a lot of people have like this identity problem with Kobe, because it's not really Kobe. It's like you feel like you're looking at a clone from the 80s. Sometimes when he talks, I'm like, God, if you close your eyes, that's fucking Michael Jordan talking right now. You know, the way his swagger on the court was very Michael. The way when he hit the game winning shot, the way he would celebrate would be like Michael Jordan. The way he jumped on Shaquille o' Neal when they won the championship was

[Adam Carolla]

kind of like, well, that was like magic jumping on Kareem after they won the.

[Jo Koy]

That's what I'm saying. There's no identity like with Kobe. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, no, I don't. No. What I'm saying is my feeling is, look, we're all free to emulate Tiger woods Golf Swing 10 years ago, but how many of us can do it? I mean, we all are free to take off from the free throw line and dunk the ball, but how many of us can do it? Like, I can't really get into stealing somebody else's style because if you can't push a guy back and then just do a sweet turnaround from 18ft and drop it, that's true that you can either do that or you can't. But everybody's going to be influenced by everyone who came before them. And that's a good thing, for sure. And. And, you know, I'm sure George Carlin, he influenced many comedians. He shouldn't look at that as ripping him off. Right? That's a pat on the back. All right, all right.

[Jo Koy]

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't say anything at all.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, accept your apology, Joe.

[Dawson]

No, I'm busy with how you look.

[Jo Koy]

Kobe.

[Adam Carolla]

But how many great.

[Jo Koy]

Let me think of another thing to say then.

[Dawson]

But how many great athletes are fun? Athletes like Derek Jeter and Tiger woods and Kobe. Like, how many of the greats are fun?

[Adam Carolla]

They're never fun.

[Dawson]

Shaq maybe a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, these guys aren't fun guys. I'll tell you why, Shannon.

[Brian Bishop]

Just romantic comedies.

[Adam Carolla]

Shaq's fun. I do believe that Shaq's fun is because Shaq is seven to four hundred pounds and there's really nothing you can do about it. And he doesn't have that. I'm going to outwork out, hustle out, everyone. Everyone in the league. He's fun. Like Cam Newton is fun, right? Cam Newton is fun. Is because he's got. Cam Newton has 15 pounds on the linebacker he's running over. That's why Cam Newton is fun. And Doug Flutie's probably a little more intense, a little less fun. Fran Tarkenton was not hilarious in the pocket. He was running for his life. Whereas Cam is deciding who he's going to run over.

[Dawson]

Terrell Owens is a lot of fun. Physically gifted.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he'd be flapping. I think the easier the game comes to you and the more physically gifted you are, probably the more of the Andre the Giant you can be and a little less intense. I can't. So like to me, the Wes Welkers of the world, or you name the white undersized possession receiver of the world. Those guys never have much of a personality because they. Everything is about. It's like, why isn't Tom Cruise more fun? Because he's 5 foot 8 and he's a leading action star and he's 52 years old. He's doing push ups right now. Like he's. He can't take off for a minute and be fun. You know, Russell Crowe can get fat because he's Russell Crowe. You know, that's why all the Alec Baldwin can get fat because he is a leading man. You know, he is six foot one and he does have those blue eyes and he does have that thing. So we go, fuck it, I'm gonna get fat. I'm having fun.

[Dawson]

It's fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I'M still gonna get fat. I'll host snl. I'll make an ass of myself. I don't care. I'll do the salty balls or the sweaty balls or whatever it is. Think about everyone in life who's that way. They're allowed to do that.

[Dawson]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

I like that. Well, TMZ reports that singer Sinead o' Connor has been found safe after overdosing on pills in response to a, quote, horrific set of betrayals.

[Adam Carolla]

Godspeed.

[Dawson]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

According to an emotional message Pope Speed that she posted, she posted on Facebook blasting her family, blaming them for her suicide attempt. The note that she posted alleges appalling cruelty on the part of her husband, her children, and even her sister, son's girlfriend. And she says it all started threw

[Adam Carolla]

Kami into the mix. That's right. I'm pretty close with the family.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it says it all started when she had a hysterectomy in August. In the letter, o' Connor expressed anger over being cut off from some of her children. It's quite rambling and sort of inside, so I couldn't get a lot of the details. Now she has four kids ranging in age from 9 to 28. Currently married to a man named Barry Herridge. He's a therapist she met online, I think married in Vegas. And it was something about what?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the trifecta. That's the news right there.

[Brian Bishop]

And she has, I think the kids have different fathers and at least one of them won't let her see one of them. And she just lost it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is why we're gonna have a never ending supply of athletes to make fun of who are freaking out and singers are freaking out versus, like celloists who do this. Because the voice is a gift. It really is. Like, my daughter can sing, my son can't. There's nothing anyone can do about it. I can't sing. My wife can't sing. It's like you just, you can sing or you can't sing. Then I have this gift, meaning this instrument, this voice meets shitty childhood now means I got shit to sing about. I'm going to Alanis Morissette on your ass. I'm pissed off. So crappy childhood meets great instrument. And voice means I got songs equals artists. I got artists. I got artists here. Then meets 23 years old and good looking. Now we're on a roll. But at some point, some of those things are gonna start to come unravel. Yeah. And that's what we're gonna see. Probably with her. Also, there are little indicators, like, I'm going on Saturday Night Live and tearing apart. Picture the Pope up and stuff like that. You know what, by the way, when anyone ever does that, like, whether it's the Pope or whether. Or some. Or it's either the Pope or Exxon or whatever it is, or Big Pharma, just picture their stepdad where that picture is. That'll be a much more accurate portrayal of what's going on in their head.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and I'm not Catholic, and maybe I'm just out of line here, but I never really understood the big deal with that. Is that a huge deal? Ready for public outcry with the picture? It's a picture.

[Jo Koy]

I agree.

[Brian Bishop]

But now I can't think of anyone I would be so into that. I'd be like, how dare you rip a picture?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a bigger problem in Latin America and parts of Europe and. No. And it's not godless American. That's the whole point. You draw a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad and places are getting shot up and burned down. You tear a picture of the Pope in half on tv and there's this part where. Oh, yeah, there was quite an outcry. Yeah. But she wasn't shot on her way to the Town Car that night. And she. She's alive today. She lived long enough to go batshit crazy. I mean, it's like there are plenty of, oh, what about Jesus and urine, and what about you defecating in the Pope's hat and all that kind of stuff. It's like, right, but that person's alive.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't go to his workplace and shoot him up. They're all alive. There's plenty of outrage, but not a lot of living it out. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't know if you saw this, but he's quoted Jerry Maguire, the usual suspect specs, Scarface, all on the campaign trail. But it's clear Texas Senator Ted Cruz loves him. Some Princess Bride at a search. Yep. A church service on Sunday in Des Moines, Iowa. The presidential hopeful was prodded not too hard, but by the pastor of Christian Life, assembly of God, to offer an impression from his favorite movie. Didn't take a whole lot of prodding. Now, I just gave you about 30 seconds here. He goes on for a while. This is when Kerry Owen always comes back to life, thanks to Billy Crystal's character. And he does all the characters now.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's not what he said. What he said was, to blaze and everyone knows to blade means to bluff and so what happened was you were playing poker and he was bluffing. Liar. Shut up, witch. Shut up, witch. I'm not a witch.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm your wife.

[Harlan Williams]

But to what you just said, I wish I wasn't. The problem is he's afraid.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever since Prince Humperding fired him, he's been afraid. What?

[Harlan Williams]

I told you not to say that name.

[Adam Carolla]

What name? What name?

[Harlan Williams]

Hump. Hump.

[Adam Carolla]

Hump. I can't hear you. Wow. Super timely.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that some stuff from Silver Streak we could hear?

[Jo Koy]

Oh, I'd love to see that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man. I'm gonna do Richard Pryor and Gene Simmons or Gene Wilder. Wilder. Sorry. Inconceivable. Kind of interesting.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything's better than that would be enough. Nothing, right? Yeah, but I feel like That's. The movie's 25 years old now, right?

[Dawson]

87. That's coming 30 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. Speaking of feeling old, but fucking great movie. That is a very good movie and a very good example of taking story and plot and starting it off with the story and the storybook and rolling into the thing and hopping back to the bed and the kid and everything. Yes. Where's the sports? Yes.

[Dawson]

I hope there's hope. That was on the list that Gina mentioned a couple weeks ago of the best scripts, comedy scripts. Because that is a.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think it would be a comedy script?

[Dawson]

Absolutely. Well, I mean, it's a comedy or on the list? Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, it's one of the.

[Dawson]

God, it's a funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's gonna look.

[Brian Bishop]

Who is more gorgeous than Robin Wright Penn?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. But again, no Albert Brooks movies on

[Dawson]

that, so they'd be fairly disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, let me tell you about Ness. Fast learning. Thermostat, third generation. As I was saying to Matt. Third. Where's the time Gone. Millions and millions of homes. These things have been saving billions of kilowatts. It's bigger, sharper, display. Trying to think which one I have. I get them all. I love these things. It's like a piece of jewelry for your house, just hanging right in the middle of the wall. Control it from anywhere. So you use the Nest app. You get the alerts on your phone. Too hot, Too cold. Saves an average of 10 to 12% on the heating and 15% on cooling. Pays for itself under two years, but it pays for itself first day because you get to use it the first day and you get to look at it. And it's such a positive action. I have two in my house. I have them everywhere I've ever gone. I put these things up and it's just you turn them. The display. Just the display alone? Yeah. The other, the other thermostats you have to, like, shine a flashlight on at night and try to figure out, like, how hot is it? It's like retina display, like your iPhone or your iPad. It's crazy. Yeah. It like, lights up when you walk by. You're going to get like a soda

[Dawson]

in the middle of the night.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a little night light.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You know what you love about it? It's intuitive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Free shipping when you buy from nest.com. that's nest.com. when I was your age, television was called books. Princess bride number 22.

[Dawson]

Worthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Worthy.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel better now. Well, Brian, I don't know if you

[Adam Carolla]

saw this or not, but USC WGA lists the best comedies.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Top hundred, I believe.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

USC's marching band brought star power to its performance of the national anthem.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking A.

[Brian Bishop]

Prior to kickoff against UCLA on Saturday at the Coliseum, Slash, the legendary guitarist for Guns n Roses, joined the Trojan marching band in playing the national anthem. Here's a clip. Now, Slash's part is turned way up. You can hardly hear the band, but you'll like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there I am. We're looking to watch. And Slash, there's the audience here.

[Dawson]

Feels anti American to cut it off in the middle for that role. It's pretty majestic when the band, the full band, is cute enough. And I know I'm biased, obviously, because it's usc, but any band, really. A full marching band. Oh, it's great.

[Brian Bishop]

And you hate tusk.

[Dawson]

I do.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought you didn't like it.

[Dawson]

No band plays. It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

So UCLA sucks.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Sounds good.

[Dawson]

Slash is wearing the Flash uniform.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah.

[Dawson]

The costume.

[Adam Carolla]

When Slash takes the hat off, the hair, the sunglasses come with him. By the way, he's a balding Jewish man. Ooh, fireworks day. Fireworks day works the. Hey, you know, the thing about playing the national anthem is it always feels like, no matter how good it is, it always feels like you're playing a 70s or 80s sitcom theme. Like when you. You're playing it on something it shouldn't be played on. Like, you know, oh, that's the Brady Bunch. Oh, that's Sanford and Son or I know that show. That's small wonder. But it still feels like you're playing it. I, I'm. I can't quite figure out how to explain this, but other songs or songs, and it just feels like, oh, they're playing the song on a. On a guitar. This feels like you Know when somebody says guess the song and they're good on the guitar and they start playing it. Oh, that's a Jeffersons. That's a Jefferson. Whatever it is. Yeah. It always feels like you're very intentionally playing the song. It doesn't groove, like it doesn't flow. It's just like you're playing this bit. That bit. It's a sort of Lego version of the song. All the pieces snapping together. Not the swirly version. I don't know that there's any other way to play it.

[Dawson]

Yeah. You're telling Slash how to play the national anthem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I am.

[Dawson]

Listen up.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of national anthems, I was at the Kings game over the weekend and they introduced the girl who was gonna sing as an international recording star. And as soon as I heard that, I knew for sure I wouldn't know who she was. She was beautiful voice, but I knew I wouldn't know who she was because

[Adam Carolla]

Rihanna is an international recording artist. So they just say Rihanna, but when they say international.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, no clue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's. It's that way.

[Jo Koy]

They should just say from Spain. Yeah, same shit.

[Adam Carolla]

They do the same thing. Joe Noise. This. Joe knows this when they're bringing up the comic no one's heard of. Yeah. You've seen on comedy on Comedy Unleashed. You've seen on Byron Allen backstage. He's Access Live. How many people watched YouTube here? He's on Access Live. He's been on. You know, they rattle off like nine things they've been on and then they say the guy's name. You don't know.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Versus Adam Sandler.

[Dawson]

That, you know, explain what, he scoot him on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, speaking of big stars, the New York Times reports that final numbers are in and they confirm expectations. Adele is a certified phenomenon. Billboard reports that the Singer's new album 25 sold a record shattering 3.38 million copies in the United States through its first week. That's nearly a million more than the previous high mark for first week sales. That was insane. Who sold almost 2 1/2 million copies of no Strings Attached in 2000 and makes 25 the first release to sell 3 million copies in a week since Nielsen began tallying these hard data analysis in 1991. So she has completely shattered the record.

[Adam Carolla]

She will never lose that weight until she gets rid of that cleft in her chin. Oh, that adds visually, I am telling you, if you guys look, she has lost a lot of weight at any plus size model. Yeah, everything is plus size on them but their head is never plus size. They always have like real normal, narrow, skinny, nice faces and then just a big ass. She takes all her pictures in, like, basically she takes whatever they put on a house. When they do the termite, she puts that on and then she pokes her head through. And then you go, oh, she's super pretty. She's very pretty. I know she's super pretty. And as long as she's billowy, as long as she keeps the billow and keeps that beautiful face, she looks warm. Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

She's cuddly, cuddled up in that swaddling cloth.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's winter.

[Jo Koy]

That's. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone loves her, right?

[Dawson]

I heard she sings, too. Talking about.

[Jo Koy]

Does she sing, though?

[Harlan Williams]

She can sing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Jo Koy]

All right, Dawson. Does she sing? Like sing, sing, Dawson.

[Adam Carolla]

Incredible.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Besides the song hello that everyone's flipping out over, and it's a beautiful song. I heard a couple other of the songs on the album and they're all great. I mean, it's not just one song that everyone's going crazy about.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the whole album.

[Brian Bishop]

It's. I mean, I've. I only heard three or four other cuts and they're fantastic.

[Jo Koy]

It's a throwback to back in the day when they used to make a lot of songs that, that were good to listen to. Because now it's like you buy an album, it's like one song, Right.

[Dawson]

Her last album was like that. This chock full of good songs. It's nice that the person everyone's talking, the artist everyone's about is actually legitimate. Like actually has.

[Brian Bishop]

Has talent, you know, she's only 27 years old.

[Jo Koy]

Wait, I thought she was 25.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I thought that was the name of her album.

[Brian Bishop]

It's the name of the album, but I don't. I don't think she's 20.

[Dawson]

She started writing.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll be even more impressed if she's 25.

[Jo Koy]

Is she 25?

[Brian Bishop]

Dawson, I just heard a radio interview.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you.

[Brian Bishop]

They said she was 27.

[Adam Carolla]

When I used to hear the whole, like, when I go through that whole Britney Spears stuff, you're like, oh, she can't sing for. Or she can't. I saw products. I saw. Well, yes, she's a product. She. I used to get in these big arguments with all the guys at the man show was like, you don't get it. She's a product. But if she just went to your high school, just was a high school student at the high school you went to. She wouldn't be in the top 10% of hot chicks she's put through the mill. And then her voice, if the talent show wouldn't be in the top 10%, she's got. And then I was watching a Britney Spears special a million years ago, and she fucking had the headphone on. And she ran up a whole flight of stairs in her boots. Like, chugged up the stairs, never missed a beat. And you didn't hear her inhale or anything. It's like, bitch, you just. You just climbed to the top of the Sears Tower and didn't inhale.

[Brian Bishop]

You did the rocky reason for that.

[Adam Carolla]

If I'm choreographing that thing, I'm like, look, we get it. It's lip syncing. You're singing to a track, fine. But you sprinting up a flight of stairs and go, go boots without ever

[Dawson]

having this takes the audience out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we are now shining a light on this thing.

[Jo Koy]

So that's why I'm plugging Boyz II Men. I just went and watched them this weekend.

[Brian Bishop]

Are they still doing their Vegas thing?

[Jo Koy]

Not only are they still doing it, but, you know, Wanye, the one that hits all the power notes, the one that goes crazy with his vocals. Not only were they dancing, I mean, at the end of the song, his cardigan sweater's twisted to the side, he's drenched in sweat. You hear him like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you guys like that one? And.

[Jo Koy]

And before he hits those notes, you hear him, like, taking a breath and stopping. You know what I mean? And I'm just like, what happened? Like, this is like, obviously these guys came from the Motown school. You know what I mean? And now all of a sudden, they're not those guys anymore. You make the track in the studio, and then when you go perform it, you just say, hey, press play. And we got a really good routine with it. And it's like. And I don't understand, because their argument is, well, what do we give you guys? Do we dance for you guys or you want us to sing? And I'm like, well, can you just do what Boyz II Men did? Because they did fucking both of those things. You know what I mean? The Temptations did both of those things. Like, the Jackson 5 did both of those things. So what happened? Like, I don't get it. James Brown was the king. The guy would sweat on the damn microphone, like, drop the microphone on the ground. I just get mad because I went to see Celine Dion with a friend, and I was just like, this is fucking awful. I'm just listening to someone turn it on, press play on an ipod. It was so bad.

[Brian Bishop]

I gotta tell you. I could be really naive, but that actually supports. Surprises me.

[Jo Koy]

I was so mad. How do you not sing Titanic?

[Brian Bishop]

She just stands. She doesn't dance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

And I was like, this is. This is a trek. I'm surprised the microphone isn't even near your face. Celine, like, at least put the fucking microphone in front of your face. They're pulling her up through the. The ceiling. You know how the end. And they had a waterfall dropping. You don't even hear the water, right? And it's just like. And she's hitting those notes and I'm like, that's impossible. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you know, J. Lo's starting next year at her residency,

[Adam Carolla]

so I'm so naive. Is this now just a part of the show? Like I shall be. It is a theatrical presentation, and this is going to be the presentation. It might not involve me singing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Dawson]

Well, you know, the bigger, more spectacular shows. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And I think the big reason, I think, is that autotune soon, if they sang live and people were like, what the fuck happened to their voice? They can't risk that. So just put a track, dance around.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think the bigger problem, I think. I mean, for the Vegas residency is you're doing nine shows a week. If you're trying to hit those high notes, I'm not making excuses, but I'm saying when you get to Vegas, they're doing a matinee and an evening show or whatever. I think their voice would just be gone at the end. I think if Celine Dion is doing wherever you are, I mean, I think she'd shit her voice out in three weeks.

[Sandra]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But the tickets ain't free. I mean, no, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Jo Koy]

She's doing a residency.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't condone it. I don't condone it. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But I'm saying they should be.

[Adam Carolla]

They would say that I'll blow my voice out if I try to do this big, big thing every time. That's. That's what I would say. But I'm with you what I just said, Adam.

[Jo Koy]

Boys to Men is doing a residency.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's. All right, we gotta find out how many shows they're doing a week.

[Jo Koy]

Five.

[Adam Carolla]

And we also. We also show it to all of them. And we also have to.

[Dawson]

Well, there's four of them, so we're doing 25% of the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm saying there's sort of one

[Jo Koy]

guy number one hits.

[Adam Carolla]

But the Point is, I think there were four Celine Dion's up on stage. She'd parcel it out, but I think she thinks she's gonna blow her voice out. The other thing I feel like doing to. I feel like I want to pull Celine Dion aside and go, look, you're married to this old fuck. You're richer than shit. You're not hot. You don't have to pretend anymore. It's okay. You're skinny, but you're not hot. So you don't have to take all the glamour shots and all the stuff and everything. It's just. It's all right. You're not hot.

[Dawson]

She's still sticking around for this part of the talk. She hasn't checked out yet.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a kajillionaire. Well, is this. This is me climbing into the back of the limo, continuing the diatribe.

[Dawson]

Where are you going?

[Adam Carolla]

But every time I see a picture of her, I just want to go to her. You're not hot, you know, but it's all right. You can sing like an angel and you have $200 million in the bank. Like, don't worry about it. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

[Jo Koy]

Can I just tell you the beginning of her show? It was the funniest shit in the world. It was a montage of every country that she performed at. And it was the beginning. It was just a shot from. From behind her head. And then, of course, the millions of fans in front of her, and she goes like, hello, Sydney. Hello, Africa. Hello, China. Hello, Beijing, hello. And about 50 of those went on. It wouldn't stop. And then finally the screen went black. And then a light shined. And then she walks out through the middle of the screen.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello, vegan.

[Jo Koy]

And then she goes, hello, vegan.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear.

[Jo Koy]

But even the crowd was like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

What do we do?

[Brian Bishop]

Right now, she's globally beloved.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, it was that bad. But, oh, it was so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

The boys to men, according to gary.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

24 to 30 shows a month. So that's every day. Five. More than five a week. Like doing a lot of shows. And six every weekend. Six every weekend? Yeah, it says down there, two. Friday to Saturday to Sunday, every.

[Jo Koy]

And let me just take the week off.

[Adam Carolla]

I was looking for Celine Dion's. I thought that was Celine. Sorry. So they're doing two and two and two.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, I think part of it, too, is if your boys demand, you got to go out there and just prove it every single night. You're Celine Dion. You probably don't, but I wonder what I do think they would say their voice would go out.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, you should hear them in between the breaks. Like, they're very raspy. And. Yeah, it was even when they pull

[Brian Bishop]

a girl on the stage for all make love to you.

[Jo Koy]

They brought out 48 dozen roses.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Of course they did.

[Jo Koy]

Just 90 full vases of roses. And these women ran up and they didn't have enough song to throw out these roses, man. They were just tossing the fucking roses.

[Adam Carolla]

What other shows do we need to see or not see in Vegas?

[Jo Koy]

I think everyone should see other. Oh, I think everyone. I think everyone in their lifetime should go see. Oh, Cirque du Soleil. It is hands down the best live performance you'll ever see. I mean, the water one. Yes. And I remember. I remember when Steve Wynn said that he was making a water show with divers and. And it got all these bad reviews in Vegas. Like, they're like, what are you talking about? No one wants to see swimmers. And I remember when I walked into that theater, I was like, oh, my God, this is the most amazing show I've ever seen scene ever, Hands down.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw Blue Man. And then I would say, here's the deal with the Blue man, guys. If someone comes backstage after the show, you can't get chatty about Loveline. Something that's weird with the Blue man guy going, oh, hey man, I'm a big fan. Could I get a picture? We used to listen to Loveline all the time. It's weird conversing with the guy with no ears. It's blue.

[Dawson]

That's weird. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever happened to the Spider man thing?

[Brian Bishop]

Remember that turn off the dark?

[Adam Carolla]

That was all the buzz. There was an accident every other. And it was, oh, boy, this is never gonna make a penny. And then all of a sudden, it was lines around the block. I don't know.

[Dawson]

That's Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe. What happened to Spider Man?

[Jo Koy]

I don't know what happened to Spider Man?

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because it was in the news every other week four years ago, and I haven't heard a word about a thing. I mean, I guess, yeah, it had its run on Broadway, but It opened in June 2011. Production shut down a couple times. After some injuries, it finally closed on in January of 2014. And several sites here are deeming it the biggest disaster, the biggest financial disaster in history. Oh, it never. It never hit its stride. It never caught on. I thought it went from all these accidents and disasters to once held the Broadway box office record for a week, taking in 2.9 million in nine performances. But that seems to be an anomaly based on the run of the show. So had that one with. All right, where were we?

[Jo Koy]

I got two more shows I want to suggest.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I had a little friendly wager with my son. Bears versus Green Bay. Anyway, he lost.

[Dawson]

Why did you gamble on that?

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to teach him about the line.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Because kids have this thing where it's like I just all take Green Bay because they're playing the Bears and they're better. And at least that's the way it seemed.

[Dawson]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, yeah, but you don't. In life, you don't get to just pick the favorites all the time. You gotta pay the line or give away some whatever. And I would have used Ronda Rousey making a face.

[Dawson]

Explain, Explain like yourself.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll tell you what the line means.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's, let's, let's, let's look at it.

[Jo Koy]

Let's do boxing. Let's do boxing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I won't. I won't use. I want to. Let's use boys to thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Boys to men. Let's use Boyz II Men.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's use Boyz II Men and Celine Dion.

[Brian Bishop]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I can't wait. If I said to you, who's going to get a bigger auditorium? Who's going to fill in? Who's going to draw more on a Saturday night? Celine Dion or Boyz II Men?

[Brian Bishop]

I think just by fame, Celine Dion.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Understood. And we'd all agree with that. Now, what if I told you Celine Dion is playing a 20,000 seat venue and she's got to sell it out, But Boyz II Men are only playing a 3500.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Boyz II Men.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but now if I move it to what if they're playing a 7,000 seat venue, who's going to sell more tickets? I just made it hard. Yeah, that's what Vegas wants. Vegas wants to make it hard. So it can't be Celine Dion because Celine Dion's gonna sell more tickets and it can't be. Boyz II Men are playing a 99 seat theater over on Melrose. It's like, of course they're gonna sell that out. So I'm gonna keep moving to that number. See, when I said 3500, you went, oh, Boyz II Men. But now I've just put 7,000 out there. And now you're thinking about it. And that's what Vegas wants. Vegas wants everybody down the middle. That's why the line moves around a little. And now you gotta make a choice,

[Dawson]

because when Vegas pays out, they take a vig. So when, no matter if they have equal money on both sides, they pay everyone out, who wins and loses, they keep a little bit.

[Jo Koy]

Who are these guys that make these lines, though? Because it's almost scary.

[Dawson]

Like, no, they're great.

[Adam Carolla]

They're great.

[Jo Koy]

I do those football parlays, and I'm like, I gotta win at least a couple of these. And I'm still. I'm still one for, like, nine.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember the line? The line just moves around to it, finds its buoyancy. Or at least they tempt. They would like a 50, 50 split.

[Jo Koy]

Adam. They'll do a college football game, and they'll say that Texas A and M will score, will get. But I'm just making something up right now. But they'll go, we'll give. If you take Texas A and M, you got to give us 40 points. Yeah.

[Dawson]

If they're playing a cupcake. Yeah, that happened all the time.

[Jo Koy]

But then they're accurately right on point.

[Dawson]

That's right.

[Jo Koy]

They'll lose by one. Or you'll take the 40 points and then you lose.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, by two.

[Dawson]

There's a reason they do it for a living.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why they do it.

[Jo Koy]

How can you be that accurate? You can't.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had to explain to my son, look, you can't just take the team. That's clearly better. You have to give up something interesting. Otherwise, everyone just will bet on the favorite every time. And there's no split on the seesaw. They want that seesaw right in the middle.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So he took the Bears. No, I took the Bears. Sorry.

[Dawson]

He laid the points.

[Adam Carolla]

He took Green Bay. And I kept trying to sort of explain to him, it's like. It's like I'm starting. It's zero to zero, but I'm really winning eight and a half to nothing. Anyway, Bears won outright. And I said, well, now you have to pay me. And he said, I don't want to pay. And I said, tough. Pay the man.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you like your kneecap?

[Adam Carolla]

And it was $10. And he went to his defiantly and he came back and he said, here's your 10 bucks. And he threw down a handful of change to get all paid in change. It's an F you for proud, right? Yeah. Like those guys who pay their bogus parking tickets and pennies. That was one of those moves.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow, that's good.

[Brian Bishop]

Good for him.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what else?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, sales on Thanksgiving and Black Friday both fell in stores. This year, with a growing amount of people doing their deep discount shopping online, brick and mortar sales on Black Friday fell from 11.6 billion in 2014 to 10.4 billion this year. Sales on Thanksgiving fell from 2 billion to 1.8. Meanwhile, online sales jumped 14% on Black Friday, bringing the total to 2.72 billion altogether.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny, but brick and mortar is really the one thing you cannot buy online.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Brick and mortar.

[Adam Carolla]

You really can't. If you're doing, you know, if you're building a retaining wall or something, you don't go to Amazon to go to the yard and have it delivered. Brick and mortar will always be brick and mortar and always sold at brick and mortar stores. But that eventually they'll just be literally selling and our kids will be confused or will be confused because they'll go, it's a brick and mortar place. Yeah, but what do they sell? It's a brick and mortar. Heard you. What do they sell? Books, records, what do they sell? Brick and mortar. That's what they sell. Yeah, you can never do enough. Those sacks of Type S mortar, 60 something pounds, the bricks, cinder block, whatever.

[Dawson]

That drone's not getting very far.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. There's no way the Amazon drone could drop off a 65 pound sack of mortar.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, a brick.

[Brian Bishop]

And breaking news. Yeah. So Gary just said this just in. Cyber Monday, sales estimated at 3 billion, which is up 33% from last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Well, it's time for brick and mortar stores to either pack it up or start selling brick and mortar.

[Brian Bishop]

But there's still all these crazy people tackling each other and doing all this crazy shit, which I kind of thought was over, but it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing, there's two. So the one sad thing that I noticed is that I saw a JCPenney commercial before Thanksgiving. I told you guys, 3pm Thursday, Thanksgiving Day is when their sale started. Which is really just like saying, hey, poor people, I know you'd like to sit down. You work very hard for a living and enjoy your family. Family, I'm going to need you up on your feet because I got some shit made in China and you got to buy it because I'm going to make it half off. And you're going, all right, I'll slide away from the table or we'll just eat our turkey at 10am but either way, here's a way to get you to drive drunk. I'm going to get you out of your house at 2:45. It was literally the JCPenney sales started at 3pm on Thursday, which is just like saying, look, fuck your Thanksgiving. Poor guy. I'm gonna give you half off of electronics, but it's gonna be on your kid's birthday and or funeral. So what do you want to do? Choose. And you're like, oh, fuck, I love my kid, but I also love savings on big screens. Beats by Dre. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

And if you're the kind of person that gets up and goes to the store, you've been waiting since the night before. You have a tent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

So I saw something that was crazy. The bat. It's called Bass Shop. The big.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, the Pro shops. Bass Pro Shops.

[Jo Koy]

Huge, right? One of the parking lot looked like. Like a football game was going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God.

[Jo Koy]

And that was at 7:00am Yeah, 7:00am this place never. This parking lot is always empty.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be the redneck. See anybody pull, I'll be the redneck who works at the Bass Pro Shop. You'll be the Asian who's wandered in off the street. So I might help you.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here.

[Jo Koy]

For all the bass.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Buys the best buys. And electronics. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable. The Radio Shack, sir. Just down to the end of the mall. Go to where they store. You see that long wagon train?

[Jo Koy]

I see.

[Adam Carolla]

You see the shopping carts over there being collected?

[Jo Koy]

I see.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Go down, turn right. Go around the corner, there's a Radio Shack.

[Jo Koy]

Real quick question. No sign says bass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we're Bass Pro Shop. We're for bass.

[Jo Koy]

I would like as much bass as possible.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever seen a bass tournament? Have you ever seen a bass tournament, sir? Bass tournament. Tournament of bass. I I. A tournament for bass fishing.

[Jo Koy]

Do you have a bass?

[Adam Carolla]

No, we don't have a bass.

[Jo Koy]

Let's just guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a bass? I think you can see it.

[Jo Koy]

I didn't say bass.

[Adam Carolla]

We sell outdoor equipment. We sell lures. We sell Zodiac boats. We sell rod and reel.

[Jo Koy]

I have no idea what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Crossbow, Honey, are you familiar with Ted Nugent? Are you familiar with Ted Nugent? Very delicious, sir. There's a coffee I love Edgen. There's a coin op laundry that's just down the way. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable there. I can have one of our sales associates go ahead and escort you there.

[Jo Koy]

I did not ask for that, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

We.

[Jo Koy]

I'm in the mood for baths to eat for Thanksgiving.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we see.

[Jo Koy]

And I am fresh out of baths.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what's confusing.

[Jo Koy]

I went to the store called Bath Shop.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand. I have a Badass asshole. Well, hold on. Raise your voice. There is a crossbow. Can I ask you this first, sir?

[Jo Koy]

Okay, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

My name is Gene. I'm assistant manager here. Now, I understand if there's a shop that says Sausage Pro that you would go there expecting to buy kebabs. So maybe this is on us. Because you see the bass.

[Jo Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you see the pro, and I see shop and you see shop.

[Jo Koy]

I want to shop like a pro

[Adam Carolla]

for some bass, Right? We sell you the things that enable you to get your own bass.

[Jo Koy]

What the kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever heard this problem?

[Jo Koy]

Why don't you just sell bass? Why don't you have a whole store filled with bass?

[Adam Carolla]

Why you give me all the equipment, then I. I gotta go get the bass myself. You understand? Confucius. You should call yourself a bass equipment stone. Do you know Confucius? You should call yourself a bass equipment stone. Okay, Please lower your voice. Especially around the holidays.

[Jo Koy]

Sorry about that.

[Adam Carolla]

We have the whole children's section over there.

[Jo Koy]

Happy Thanksgiving, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Confucius, you're aware of him? Confucius, yeah. He says, give a man a bass, he eats for a day. Teach a mate. Sell a man a rod, rail and tackle set. He did not fucking say that at retail. And he eats for his whole life. You understand? That's Confucius said that in China, they

[Jo Koy]

say, you want bass, you pay for it right now. Yeah, get as much as you want. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're having money, I understand.

[Jo Koy]

Do you have a bass?

[Adam Carolla]

We have the things to gather bass. We ironically don't have bass. We have a lot of.

[Jo Koy]

What the fuck I gonna do with.

[Adam Carolla]

We do have a lot of fiberglass bass family now. Want a fish. They want fish.

[Jo Koy]

They want a fish.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. I can sell you a lure and a rod and reel, and then where

[Jo Koy]

I go to get the bass.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Downstairs, I'll help you set your drag line. And there's a lovely pond just down yonder on the other side of the Radio Shack there. And it's teaming. You know the word team? Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

Like an A team or the baseball team? Team.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it has a lot of bass. We only use the word team as it pertains to fish. We don't say that sorority is teeming with pussy.

[Jo Koy]

I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a family at home understood that.

[Jo Koy]

Like to eat fish. He said, Thanksgiving, I promised them a fish. I look up on the sign, it said a bass shop, which is a fish.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I come Here to shape granted. It's confusing a fish. Right.

[Jo Koy]

And you saying you are completely out.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you should watch your tone. Do you know what a tone is? What the fuck? That's what I'm talking about. There's an Albertsons shopping market that's across the way. If you go down past the radio show, I'm a bad asshole. I'm just there. What wrong with you, Gino Gene. What the fuck ever name you is. Okay, so I want a bass. I want it now. I come to bass shop.

[Jo Koy]

I want to get a job.

[Adam Carolla]

I want my bass now. Have you seen. Where's your manager? Can I. We have a whole. We have an array. Well, speaking of cutting, we have an array of throwing knives. Oh, stars. And the knives. You can do the weird thing with that. All that's good. Yeah. I stab you right now. No, no, not for me. Right.

[Harlan Williams]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, sir? I'll tell you what. You want to take a picture with Santa?

[Jo Koy]

Oh, yeah. I would like that, if you don't mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Aisle nine and see.

[Jo Koy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you. Can I get a thank you? Good.

[Jo Koy]

Thanks, Adam. That was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't picture a lot of Asians at the bass pro shop. Why aren't we doing the news? That's just me. All right, where were we?

[Harlan Williams]

What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Bass pro shop. Yeah. I'll tell you what I saw that was sad. Home Depot commercial. Tree wrapped in lights and sold pre. Wrapped in lights. Was I telling you guys about this?

[Dawson]

No, but that's been.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary says yes.

[Dawson]

You see this tree as far right?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I have a different show. That's what I'm saying. That's why the you guys part. Yeah. And I thought, the fuck else are they gonna do for us in advance? Like, the whole deal was sort of stringing popcorn and staying up and decorating the trees meant something.

[Dawson]

Yeah, I totally with you. Fake tree versus real tree, artificial tree versus real tree. Every advantage in the pro and con column is in fake tree. It's cleaner, it's safer, it's easier, it's blah, blah, blah. But I still want to do the real tree. It's worth going through all the trouble and it's worth all the headache.

[Brian Bishop]

Smells good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

It's ritualistic. It's a fun ritual, but it's a. You do it once a year.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the whole I would argue the fake tree is unnecessary switch. Like, there's no reason we need a tree in our house on December 25th. Everything is un. You don't need to wrap the gifts. Just hand it to the kid. It's faster. Less mess. You can distill this thing down to. No one ever gets out of the fetal position. And we all just lay in bed with Ron Jeremy trying to blow ourselves. Like we can. You can take everything in Christmas and kind of go, well, the lights on the outside of the house or the fake snow or the wrapping of the gifts or the. The elf on the shelf or the whole story of Christmas. Like, it's all one big calorie burner. But that's what makes us us, right?

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And so Christmas and convenience are not the same. It's sort of like saying, all right, I'll tell you what. I'll have my assistant come over the house and set up the fake tree while the kids are at school. Like, well, it's more convenient, but it's not what it's about.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you doing that this year?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but the calorie. The burning of the calories is what it's about. It's going to the ymca. Picking. Having that thing where you guys get to walk around and go, I went down with that. A little discussion. We want this one. I want that one. Let me check. Let me see. And then the guy that did it on Sunday, doing that whole thing. It's all part of it. And I like that part of it.

[Dawson]

Yeah, I agree.

[Brian Bishop]

Well. And I don't really know all too much about Christmas trees, but I would think that the only thing sadder than Prelude is pre ornament. Because aren't ornaments the sentimental things you collect throughout your life?

[Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dawson]

Unboxing.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you have stuff of the little kids with ornaments?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Their pictures and all that stuff. And yes, the pre. Yes, the pre. Wrapped with lights on a real tree. I think it is. Gary, you can tell me if you find the commercial, but it's sad. I'm not down with it.

[Dawson]

I was gonna say unboxing the ornaments and hanging them up for me and Christie is a wonderful thing. It reminds.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Remember this one we got two years ago here?

[Dawson]

This was given to us by this. It's just a fun. So walk to memory lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so let's not. I mean, it's that sort of

[Podcast Narrator]

look.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the same with the meal. You could send out and farm everything out to Gelson Supermarket, and they could do it all online and go pick it up. But making your own turkey, while it's not exactly a money saver in terms of the hours that you have. Have invested in it, there's something to the smell of the turkey throughout the house throughout the day, right?

[Dawson]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

So let's start. You know, it's this thing of like, look, I get that no one wants to stand in line at the DMV and nobody wants to go and have good teeth cleaning with a dental hygienist and all that kind of stuff, but let's fast forward through all the parts of life.

[Dawson]

Yeah, you see clean.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes, yes, you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

End of life.

[Harlan Williams]

And next thing.

[Dawson]

I missed it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Sandler's greatest effort. And like, there are certain things like, you know, going out to the garage and fiddling, changing your own spark plugs with your son or whatever. Sure, it's cheaper to go to the Jiffy Lube or easier to do whatever, but there's certain. Again, not everything is work and not everything needs to be fast forwarded.

[Dawson]

I'm okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Brian Bishop]

You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the new.

[Adam Carolla]

What does this race have to do with butt rape? Gina, Gina Grad. That was the news with Gina Grad. Lifelock, baby. Oh, speaking of cyber Monday, you're gonna go online. You're gonna shop. Look, that's it. You're shopping online. We get it. And like we talked about the automobile, living in a home, homeowner's insurance, all the stuff you kind of need to protect yourself is good. You got hot and cold running water, you got a car, you got all sorts of stuff. Pay a little vig. We were talking about get that insurance. Lifelock does more than the free credit monitoring places do. They use proprietary technology to detect a range, a multitude of threats. They got a dedicated US based team who work with you. If there's a problem, they'll help you fix it. No one can prevent all identity theft or monitor all transactions at all business. But with Lifelock, you can shop, shop through the holidays and feel that sense of protection because you are protected. It's Lifelock. You stay at home, you save a bunch of gasoline, and you spend a couple of bucks for peace of mind. Lifelock Dawson. Call or visit lifelock.com now and enjoy 10% off LifeLock. As our gift to you. Use promo code Adam. That's promo code Adam. And receive a special 10% discount. All right, let's see the other Vegas show. Oh, sorry, yeah. The other Vegas show.

[Jo Koy]

Kids, if you got kids, if you got a lot kids, take them to see the Jabberwockies.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jabberwockies.

[Brian Bishop]

That's still going?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah. MGM and it's just a great show for kids. You know what I mean? They do all their own stunts and their own choreography and I think it's a great, great ticket to buy, especially the entertainment. All the other shows are like sex, you know, built around sex. This was just. Yeah, I know. I'm with you.

[Brian Bishop]

Weren't they America's got talent?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, they won.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they're awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. And if you don't have brains, get them to see cookie crumb in the jars. You know, there was a.

[Jo Koy]

No, it's called cookie jar.

[Adam Carolla]

He was cookie.

[Jo Koy]

His name was cookie jar.

[Adam Carolla]

Cook e jar.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, cook e jar. And he had the longest. He had one of the longest running shows in Vegas at the hacienda Hook Hotel.

[Dawson]

Was it cookie jar?

[Adam Carolla]

It was like cookie jar and the crumbs or something.

[Jo Koy]

It was cookie jar and the crumbs. Yeah. He would do like a lot of impersonations and me and Jimmy went some

[Adam Carolla]

once we were staying. Yeah. All right, so us live shows, Napa, Sacramento, Fresno. Selling fast. So come on out and see us this Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Also Napa, Sacramento and Fresno. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm on going to be signing bottles of mangria. So go to AdamCarolla.com and find out everything. The Newman Doc. Final airings on Velocity. Set your DVRs now. The last one's got a great audience. They like doubled their lead in or whatever. So nice. Good on you this Saturday. So just go check it out. Set your DVR. It's 6 o' clock and 9 o'. Clock. But anyway, this Saturday will be the last air of winning racing life. Paul Newman. You can get on DVD if you like as well. And for all the other stuff, you just go to AdamCarolla.com, mangria and take a knee and the t shirts and everything. Joe Coy Joy Lauderdale improv December 4th through the 6th, Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club in San Antonio. December 18th through the 20th past Nice House Out Here. December 25th through the 27th. For tickets and availability and all that kind of stuff, you just go to Jo Koy j o k o y.com the Owen Joe Show. Don't miss that either. New episodes every week on itunes. And Mary Lynn ricegub can go to the Amazon and look for her pilot. Hyston H I g h s t o n so next time, Adam for Mary and Joe and Gina and bald say mahalo.

[Brian Bishop]

Close your legs.

[Sandra]

I can see all the way up to your breakfast.

[Brian Bishop]

Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset.

[Brian Bishop]

Breathe.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the mantra.

[Harlan Williams]

Breathe.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the mindset. Mindset. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and

[Brian Bishop]

TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free.

[Adam Carolla]

Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now pay never. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, love that channel. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly and they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never have to worry, worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right, Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. Adam.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right, that was Adam Cole show 1713 with Marilyn Rice.

[Jo Koy]

Good.

[Podcast Narrator]

And Joe Croy coming up next. We're going all the way back to 2011 again for Adam Carla Show 646. Harlan Williams, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Check it out.

[Brian Bishop]

Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset free. This is the mantra. Mindset, mindset. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and

[Brian Bishop]

TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free.

[Adam Carolla]

Huzzah. Pluto TV stream now. Pain ever. All Right, Good day, Bald Brian. Oh, yeah, yeah. Harlan Williams coming in. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I am emotionally and spiritually drained. I spent the entire day at the Willow Springs racetrack, which is out in the high desert. And it's just wind blowing and sun baked and hotter than shit.

[Dawson]

I was gonna say you got Your haircut?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Short haircut for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Rolled the window down on one of the Mustangs I was driving and pow. I was hauling ass around that track all day. And just about anything they would give me shooting stuff for the. And I gotta tell you, I had a little scare. Like for the first time in a long time, I got off that track and I got off that track in a big way and I was going fast. We're doing a little timed lap. And I be of my ignorance, what

[Dawson]

does off that track mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Means one minute you're on the paved part of the track and the next minute you're going through dirt, and I mean a lot of dirt, and I mean backwards. I was on the track and I had this just super steroid Mustang. Guy had a. It was like a Shelby Mustang, our model whatever, 2011, I think this one was called an STS. Big Blower on it making 570 horsepower to the rear wind, rear windows, rear wheels, which meant it was making well over 600 horsepower. Part Big suspension, big brakes, big tires, just big supercharger, just six speed, just scary car to drive kind of thing. And for you, as a footnote to

[Dawson]

horsepower, when they measure horsepower on normal cars, do they just measure the one set of tires where the engine, I mean, you know, the front wheel of the rear wheel drive depending on what it is or is there a difference? You know, I'm saying in normal. This one there's a difference in the,

[Adam Carolla]

well, the back, they would only go to where the power went to. They wouldn't go like the front tires because those don't have anything going to them. If it was an all wheel drive thing, I guess they'd have to figure that one out. But usually they do it like this. The engine is making 600 horsepower and then someone goes, what's it making? To the rear wheels and you could go ahead and lop off 10 or 12% or something like that. And the guy will go, eh, it's making about four or maybe about 545 to the rear wheels or something like that. But this thing was a monster. This thing was a beast. And we're doing a timed lap from a standstill. So it was like, how fast can you get around this track? And your time to beat is I think was like a minute 40. And so it was like, you know, rev it up, drop the clutch, screeching tires, hauling ass going up through the straightaway, make the left hand turn and I'm going into this big long sweeping right hand turn and I'm in third gear. And the car, the rev limiter is basically. You're staring at the tachometer. Cars vary a little bit. Thanks for the. Thanks for the track layout. I'm in turn two at the bottom there. Start right at the start finish line where it says hot pit, Go up, make a left hander, and then you start your right hand turn. I'm in third gear and I'm banging off the rev limiter. Yeah, it looks like a cock and ball. It looks like a cock and ball from outer space. Aliens must think it's a huge cock and ball. Schlong track Willow Schlong. When I say banging off the rev limiter, I mean I'm about 7,300 rpm. And the car stops pulling at a certain point, they'll put a rev limiter in there and it just makes a weird thing. It's like. But it's not pulling anymore. More. Your car will pull very hard up into the red line. But once you hit that max, it just sort of acts like it wants to throw up or break or it's pulling but you keep bouncing off the limiter, in other words. So I'm in third gear. I'm bouncing off the rev limiter. I'm going around turn two. Big, long, big sweeping turn. Probably about 100, 105 miles an hour in that car. Not exactly sure how it's geared. And I think to myself as I'm coming out of turn two, I'm going clockwise here. I've got to drop it down into fourth gear because I'm banging off the rev limiter in third gear. It won't take any more in third gear. So even though I'm turning right and I'm a lot of g forces and I'm hauling ass as I'm coming out of the corner, I'm going to shift down into fourth gear, which makes sense as I do it. And the car's bouncing and I'm being pulled very hard to my left because I'm turning hard to the right and the tires are screeching. I'm going 100 miles an hour. I grab the stick shift and I pull it what I think is down into fourth, but I pulled it into second gear. And when you pull it into second gear going 105 miles an hour and you're banging off the rev limiter and then let the clutch out. As soon as you let the clutch out out, the rear end locks up instantly. And because I was turning so hard to the right, it's. You let the clutch out and the rear end goes. And it's in front of you. It's like, you don't have a moment. It's not like, whoa, it's just boom, rear end around, right? And it just snapped around.

[Dawson]

Was it instantaneous that you figured out what was going on?

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as I let the clutch out and it did the, you know, and the rear end, it was like, oh, fuck. I just hit second gear because I was turning so hard to my right that as I reached my hand over, the centrifugal force was pulling me. I pulled it into second instead of into fourth. And I don't know the car very well into second. Rear end whips around. Now you're going 100 miles an hour, but you're going backwards. And just immediately off the track and into the gravel and knocked the diffuser off. The thing skidded about 90 or 100%. Didn't do too much damage to the car. Just screwed up the tires. No, I was fine. And then 20 minutes later, they said, all right, now we got to get a timed lap of you in the BMW M3. And I said, all right. So I got in the car and this car has the paddle shifters. And I thought I had the launch control on, but evidently I didn't. And he says, go. And I light up the rear tires, not knowing that the launch control isn't on. Launch control will launch you at the best possible rate. Rpm, wheel spin and all that. It's like a computer figures out how to drag race for you. All the high end supercars now with the Tiptronic whatever stick shift on the

[Allison Rosen]

steering wheel, I've never, I've never even seen that.

[Adam Carolla]

You've never seen this?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Flappy.

[Harlan Williams]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Paddle gearbox?

[Harlan Williams]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like you're fingering two women who are sitting on a dresser in front of you. Yeah, I know listeners can't see what you're doing, but that's the gesture you're making. Apparently you're also shifting paddle gears from

[Adam Carolla]

your coos to God's ears. So I'm doing the thing and you just do the flip. One in and you're in first gear and then you flip the other one and you're back. So one on the right is one through six and the one on the left is six down to one. One's down shifting, one's up shifting. So I do the thing and I haul ass and the tires are lit up. And I thought I had the launch control. Now the way the launch control works is push in this button, hold down that button, put your foot on the brake. The car will automatically go to 3000rpm, let your foot off the brake, and it'll launch you as fast as a computer can launch you. It'll figure out RPMs and wheel spin and all the computer stuff. It's a way of sort of cheating

[Allison Rosen]

to get the fast launch steroids for your car.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I just stomped on it, thinking I had launch control, lit up the tires, got pulled back in the seat, was surprised for a second, reached up to hit the paddle on the right to shift into second gear, grabbed the windshield wiper handle, which is a half inch behind the paddle, and promptly turned the windshield wipers on high. So now they're flapping away. I mean, they're flapping like an engine rabbit song. And I'm going, and I have my hyper vigilance disorder. And I'm like, I'm fucking driving. It's hotter than balls out here. There's not a cloud in the sky. And these windshield wipers are flapping the whole time. So I'm trying to haul ass on the course, but I'm also feeling like trying to figure out how. And the windshield wipers are very unforgiving mistress because you can shut them off, but they'll still do a cycle. So you don't really think the. So you, like, put into one spot, it's like it's still on, so you quickly shift it. But maybe you did shut it off. And I'm flipping it toward me and pushing it away, but I'm also trying to shift. Come flying up through turn two, and there's all the fucking gravel that I threw out onto the straightaway from the last time I was backwards. Coming off of the track, see the gravel, staring at the windshield wipers, trying to fucking flip the handle again. Next thing you know, the M3 is backwards. This time I'm on the track, but it's backwards. And I'm probably doing 100 again. And the problem is the poor guys who own the cars are standing there watching me. And you feel like an ass wipe when you lock it up and you're going backwards. I got one tire off.

[Dawson]

They're rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Eh, not so much. But the production will buy it. You died the M3.

[Allison Rosen]

But you know how you always talk about how Shaq power knobs should be standardized and coffee makers should be standardized? Shouldn't gear shifts be standardized?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, once they do the flappy paddle thing, you know, up on the paddles on the console. Yes. And they sort of are. But putting the windshield wiper as it's the same shape, essentially it's just another paddle and it's not an inch behind it. It's 5, 8 of an inch behind it. And in a panic, it's easy to reach up and grab. I grabbed them both, but somehow managed to turn on the windshield wipers and then was wildly distracted from that point on. Cursed, Cursed, I tell you. So off the track two times at Willow Springs today and slightly shaken because of it. All right, Harlan Williams coming in here. Aisha Tyler tonight, by the way. Thursday night Universal CityWalk. Beautiful.

[Allison Rosen]

Three times, fool.

[Adam Carolla]

Nubian princess. Coming up. I'll be at the Tabernacle in Atlanta coming up on Friday, September 30th. Also, Ferguson Hall, Tampa Bay. Come on out Saturday the 31st. What else can I tell you? Thanks so much for the Amazon support, folks. Your clicks make a difference to all of us here. So keep the support going. You're buying something. Back to school, whatever it is, you're getting something on Amazon. Go to AdamCarolla.com, hit the banner and show us a little love. All right, Allison Rosen, you have some news whipped up for us live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes. This is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Tonight's news is sponsored by eVoice, a radically better phone number. Click the banner on AdamCarolla.com for a six month free trial.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I was in a Mustang RTR because I said, what does that stand for? And the guy said, ready to rock. And boy, did I put a lot of rocks on the underside of that guy's car.

[Allison Rosen]

What does it really stand for?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I really don't know. But if you find a picture of a Mustang RTR in blue, well, there it is. That's what I was driving.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, first story. Florida pastor Michael Stahl wants there to be an online national registry of atheists, atheists that would list by city and state all atheists along with their photo and some personal info such as place of business. He compares atheists to, quote, convicted sex offenders, ex convicts, terrorist cells, hate groups like the kkk, skinheads and radical Islamists. Yeah, you know, just to name a few.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's just one of these jack offs who's gonna burn the Koran and try to get a little ink right.

[Allison Rosen]

I think he really, he wants there to be an organized move to round, well, not round up, but to list all the atheists everywhere. He says the purpose of the West.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I want John Haidt to have 10 number one hits on the Billboard top charts. It ain't gonna happen. There's no movement. There's nothing anyone's gonna do about it. It's a grab for publicity, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I know he's an idiot.

[Allison Rosen]

So cynical. Just like an atheist. If you had more faith, Adam, you would believe that. That this dream that this pastor has, it can one day exist. You can log onto your computer and you can say, that guy down the street, I would like to let him know about Jesus Christ and how Jesus Christ has helped me. And I would like people to boycott his business because he's a godless science person.

[Adam Carolla]

But the thing I don't understand, and I get this all the time when people do that, hey, man, if you were walking down a dark alley, which would you rather have, atheist coming your way or a Christian coming?

[Allison Rosen]

And it's always like, I take the atheist.

[Adam Carolla]

I would too. Cause I feel like we'd have something to talk about. When he was stabbing me also. Go to fucking prison. How many of the violent. How many guys on death row are atheists? I feel like the lion's share of everyone. If you just take people who've stabbed people.

[Dawson]

Say no more.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't.

[Dawson]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

You knew where I was going. You did step on it. But next time. I was eager.

[Dawson]

I was eager.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this. If I seriously, if I just said, look, I'm putting a fucking gun under your chin. How many people who have stabbed another human being have believed in God? And how many people have stabbed another human being? I don't care if it's with a number two pencil, a sword or letter opener. Throughout history and how many people have stabbed people have been atheists? What do you think would be.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the majority definitely, I don't think, are atheists. And so I don't. I guess percentage wise, I'm under 20%.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What about death row? Like, what. What is the percentage of people on death row? What are the people have committed violent crimes? What is that percentage?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it's probably almost all of them. Because if you think about it, if you believe in an afterlife and you believe in a greater purpose and you have faith and all that stuff, then what's really to hem in your behavior on earth?

[Adam Carolla]

Also, when you can go confess or say a few Hail Marys and wipe the slate clean, then why not go out and whoop it up on the weekend? Yeah, it's fucking retarded. It's like it's insane when people do that thing where they go, oh, you're an atheist, so well then what's to stop you from raping babies with sprinklers keys. And it's like. Cuz it's wrong. Wrong according to who? You're an atheist.

[Allison Rosen]

It's your internal moral compass. I don't need it. I don't need to read it in a book to know what's right and wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course it's empirically wrong. That's. It's just wrong. It's like there's an up and a down. You don't need to fucking be a science major to drop an apple and know it's gonna hit the fucking floor. It's so goddamn insulting when these people are like, no, I want people who govern themselves.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I want people to go, I'm not going to do anything bad to another human being being because I have to live with me, not because someone else is judging me. Because anytime someone is looking over you, whether it's a deity or guy in a guard tower or security guy at a mall, there's ways around it.

[Allison Rosen]

Or just some creepy stranger in the backyard with binoculars staring at your window.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? Be your own security camera. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Thank you. The more you know. Mm, Jesus Christ, asshole. I hope he gets hit by lightning.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you say Jesus Christ.

[Dawson]

Well, you know what this brings us closer to? To Catch an Atheist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Chris Hansen luring you over on Sunday morning. Shouldn't you be at church?

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway though, this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you're a Penn Jillette fan?

[Dawson]

I have the transcript right here. Would you like to hear them? Hey, that Penn Jillette character, and he makes some great points.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But the registry would be called the Christian National Registry of Atheists and it is to inform the public of known atheists so that they can be proselytized to and their businesses be boycotted.

[Adam Carolla]

Boycotted?

[Allison Rosen]

Boycotted.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you just focus on bad people, you ass wipes? But he doesn't mean it. He's just trying to get a little publicity.

[Allison Rosen]

Growing up, I used to be very. I didn't tell people that I was an atheist because I was worried that. I don't know, I just. Well, that I would be boycotted and proselytized to. Whereas now I'm pretty open with it. But hearing stories like this makes me think, are we heading back into a time where it's not. Not where it's just going to be a pain in the ass to admit you're an atheist?

[Adam Carolla]

No, we're way past that, and no one gives a shit anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

And plus, you think most people actually are atheists deep down, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I believe that they very much want to believe. But I think just like a child, when you're sort of thinking about either Santa Claus or the boogeyman, there is that part of you that understands, even to a young child, that it doesn't really exist, but it's still sort of. You don't want to tempt fate.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, if Mama says the boogeyman's under your bed, and if you get up, he's gonna get you. You're lying there in bed. And by the way, do you think you can get a good night's sleep knowing that the fucking boogeyman's on your bed? It's not like, all right, let me fluff this pill. I better call tonight. No, you know, the boogeyman's not in bed. On the other hand, you're gonna get up and bug Mommy one more time. Why tempt fate? So most people are that way with their spirituality. They do a lot of. When somebody gets sick, they start praying they're superstitious when they fly. It's that kind of a thing. But they don't. It's not really what you'd call a belief, Right. A belief is something you know, it's a hoax. It's sort of somewhere between a pipe dream and a hope. It's a pipe hope.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. Yes. I don't like to open umbrellas indoors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's little.

[Allison Rosen]

When people do it around me, I think, what the fuck are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Even though I don't believe in it, there's little things. Like I was last week, as I mentioned, did I mention the Rolex Cup? I don't know if I brought that up on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, is that that hugely shiny giant thing over there?

[Adam Carolla]

The one that's sitting behind me? Yes.

[Jo Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, my name is Graham Wellington. Yes, I was getting ready to go get into my race car at Laguna Seca that I'd never driven in before. And it's an open cockpit car with not a ton of protection. And I was a little bit nervous about getting into the car, and I was. A matter of fact, I was pitting with a guy named John Moore, who. Yes, hello, my name is Graham Wellington. John Morton rolled a scarab, a convertible scarab, last year in a violent crash. People thought he was dead kind of a thing. And I was sort of having these thoughts. And as I was getting ready to get in the car. I was walking underneath a ladder that came down to go up to the top observation deck of the 18 wheeler I was on. And. And I thought, maybe you should walk under that ladder right before you climb in your fire suit. And then I thought, fuck it. If you stop and go around, that's gonna cause the accident. And then I thought, what the fuck are you doing? And I walked under it again. But, yeah, there's that kind of stuff. And you don't think about it, but you think about it before you climb into an airplane or before you climb into a car, or before you fill in the blank, you do get a little scratch.

[Allison Rosen]

A lottery ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say the lion's share of guys who jump motorcycles like your Evel Knievel style daredevil guys. You open that, you open their leathers, and you'll find a cross hanging around their neck, a little something to rub before you rev the throttle, let out the clutch right. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Florida funeral home has debuted a new alternative to cremation known as the resimator.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Do you have. Can you guys find John Morton? I don't know if it's up there. Can you find John Morton's crash at Laguna Seca last year? It was up and then they pulled it off, but it was fucking violent. It's amazing the guy's like 65. It's amazing the guy's alive. And he had no roll bar. He had just one skinny bar that bent over. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Smush bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Crematory.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a resimator. It's a more ecological. It's an alternative to cremation so that your final carbon footprint can be teeny weeny.

[Adam Carolla]

They put you in a dumpster with a rabbit, maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

If that's.

[Adam Carolla]

And they just fucking take you apart piece by piece.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the murder of vultures all over you.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit you out all over the forest. Cover your peanut butter and let Willard at you.

[Allison Rosen]

Some people would like to go that way. It uses heated alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't remember. Anyway, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

It uses heated alkaline water to dissolve bodies in about three hours, using less energy and releasing fewer carbon and mercury emissions than cremation. The resonator submerges bodies in a potassium hydrochloride solution in its steel chamber, then pressurizes and heats the solution. After that, the resulting liquid is simply poured into the regular sewage system. Nice bones remain and are pulverized to ash, and any metal bits are retained to be disposed or recycled.

[Adam Carolla]

What's in there? Is that Grandpa? No, I Just took a dump. Oh, okay. Well, flush next time. I thought that was grandpa again.

[Allison Rosen]

Florida is one of seven states that have legalized the resonator. There's also one in Minnesota. The Mayo Clinic uses a similar system to dispose of bodies donated for research.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm down with this.

[Allison Rosen]

You are?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I know there's gonna be religious people that aren't. The Corollas would definitely be down. I mean, if it was cheaper than the Neptune Society where they just dump you in the air ocean. By the way, we might have some footage of John Morton's crash here. I think it's off, off to the left. If you take a look at. By the way, he's driving a six million dollar car. That's him in the blue car. And that is him rolling end over end in a six million dollar car with no cage in it and landing on the fucking roof ever since. 60 something year old, dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Purple car's spinning around too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A little bit scary, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Now I know that this is your career, but does Lynette ever wish that you didn't?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Lynette? I don't know that name. Not when I got my game face on. She was asking if it was dangerous and I said, eh, I don't know, maybe. I mean, sometimes I don't know about the open seaters. Like he didn't have a cage. He had just a thin bar that was a little bit higher than his head that collapsed the second the car went upside down. I wouldn't be down with that. I would probably like to get back into my coops with my cages rather than my open seaters without my cages.

[Dawson]

These cars that you're driving, the Mustang and the M5, are they reinforced in any way?

[Adam Carolla]

That is, by the way, what a scarab looks like. And like I said, it's a five or six million dollar car and you can see just the one bar over his head. But when the £3,000 a car, maybe the £2,500 a car lands on the one bar, it's not a whole lot before that thing just folds in.

[Allison Rosen]

That bar just looks like the back of the seat. I wouldn't even think that that was fine.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not enough. And I gotta tell you, shit can happen. And I wouldn't be comfortable racing that. But that's me. I. What were you saying?

[Dawson]

The cars that you race, are they reinforced? Not a race, but the cars you drove for the show.

[Adam Carolla]

No. When you drive those cars for the show, you're not even wearing a helmet. Or anything. And most of the cars, most of them don't even have a roll bar. But you are just on an open track. And if you get off the track, you get into the dirt, but you don't get into other cars because the other cars will flip you or cause whatever, it's the other cars that'll t bone you or do the damn damage for the most part. That's why you need the cage. You need the cage for the other cars that hit you. Or I mean, imagine you get spun around and you get head on or whatever it is. Or in John's case, you get rolled. He got flipped by another car. So when you're not really with other cars, not so much. All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Alice.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you do the crema Nator?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I want a lot of light. My final resting place to be huge.

[Dawson]

And how is the electricity used to power this thing any better than the little bit of smoke that your body's gonna produce? How is that?

[Allison Rosen]

They say it uses one seventh the amount of electricity as crematorium.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the Bin Laden? You know, sea burial?

[Dawson]

Or Megatron.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, or Megatron sea burial.

[Allison Rosen]

You think there's just endless amounts. Amounts of seawater?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean, you think the ocean is as big as the ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

The ship has a diesel engine, I guess, and you gotta, you know, putter out a few hundred miles, a few hundred feet from shore and dump grandpa.

[Dawson]

But yeah, trains to love. Incinerators, they gotta go. Maybe that's a way to power our nation's trains.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I'm for doing the Davy Jones locker thing, which is not. Cremate the guy and throw the ashes in the open sea.

[Allison Rosen]

Just throw the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

But put a fucking rock in the guy's underpants and just slide him down that board with whatever flag the country he hails from. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Bury him in a pair of concrete shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, so that's the news for now.

[Harlan Williams]

That's the news.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosen. This is my tagline, you cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, good news, everybody. Harlan Williams, everybody. The Harster is here. Back by popular demand and because it's been like a year. We'll take a quick break. Harlan Williams. Next, an excerpt of Adam Carolla's in 50 years will all Be Chicks, read by Harland Williams.

[Harlan Williams]

Like, I want a big turnaround at my funeral, Scoob. Not for me, but for like, the people I leave behind, behind. I want them to be surrounded by others. I want people around my window and my many trophy windows.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we widow.

[Harlan Williams]

Huh? Widow.

[Adam Carolla]

A widow. Yeah. Window seems.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, but don't forget, Shaggy's a stoner. He's not educated.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I think people listening about that. People around my windows.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And my trophy windows. Seems weird. Is it gonna be about computer or.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Shaggy's not that bright.

[Adam Carolla]

In 50 years, we'll all be chicks. Now in paperback with a bonus chapter available online and at bookstores everywhere. And we're in the black Jack. So now every time you buy a copy, I get like a buck ten or something.

[Harlan Williams]

No, you don't. You're in the black.

[Adam Carolla]

In the black jack.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait, where do you buy your book, though? At, like, orders?

[Adam Carolla]

Amazon. On our site.

[Harlan Williams]

What about Borders?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they put boards up in front of Borders.

[Harlan Williams]

Is it closed?

[Adam Carolla]

It's called Plywooders now.

[Harlan Williams]

That's funny that a bookstore filed for chapter 11. That's. How appropriate is that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Boards up in front of Borders, and then if you look under Chapter 11, you can find out why they put the boards. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So there's people standing around a boarded building clamoring to get your. Your book.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

That's like, so Escape from New York. That. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

That is such a cemented thing to do. Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

I just watched Escape from New York with Donnie.

[Harlan Williams]

No, you didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I did. We went to. We went to Monterey. Me cousin Sandy and Donnie all stayed in the same room like we always do. Sandy brought his kids. Allergic to Winnie banter, Sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

No. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought the. Brought his. Sandy brought his Kids DVD player. And I brought. I brought Plan of the Apes or Return to or Escape from or whatever it is. The bad one, the worst one, the last one. Yeah. You know what I figured out on that one?

[Harlan Williams]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I figured out they didn't want to do all the fucking ape makeup anymore.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the last one, there's two apes. Well, there's three. One is Sal Mineo, and he dies early on. And then there's two apes, and they're living in the human world.

[Podcast Narrator]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I realize some bean counter over at Paramount. Wait a minute. Yeah. Instead of taking 400 extras and putting all the fucking prosthetics and everything on them, why don't we take two apes, make them time travelers, bring them here, and we don't have to fucking pay for all the makeup.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, but you look at the results. The movie made what, $8.43.

[Adam Carolla]

It does not have hold up.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, best line in Escape From New York, Call me Snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Come on, guy, never do that to your wife at night.

[Adam Carolla]

We watch that.

[Harlan Williams]

Call me Snake. Yeah, you do? Well, like pillow talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, call me Snake. I do Worm, but yeah. Laughing if I said Snake. Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's not push it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not push it. Yeah. You got to get Donnie in here to figure out what movies we watch. But definitely Escape from New York. Definitely a Planet of the Apes, the last one, which blew ass. And then three or four other super shitty movies.

[Harlan Williams]

You know what's weird about what you said, though? You said you took DVDs, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

And that is such a Samantha thing to do because people don't have DVDs anymore. It's all downloads.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I know when we travel, there's a lot of downtime in the room, drinking red wine and we gotta be watching something bad, bad on tv. Last time we got stuck and we had to watch the Walker Texas Ranger TV movie where Haley Joel Osmond got aids.

[Allison Rosen]

Had to or got to little each.

[Harlan Williams]

Haley Joel Osmond, the guy who sees

[Adam Carolla]

dead people got aids.

[Harlan Williams]

He got aids.

[Adam Carolla]

Saw himself.

[Harlan Williams]

He saw himself. Good Lord, the little fella.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, buggy eyes.

[Harlan Williams]

I should tell you, he's got bug eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Harlan Williams is going to be at home. Polarities in Cleveland. That's September 8th through the 11th. Also September 16th through the 17th at the Comedy Factory in Baltimore.

[Harlan Williams]

Hey, thanks, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta show a little love to one of our sponsors. How about you just do random bird calls in the background while I do.

[Harlan Williams]

How about owls since it's nighttime?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Encore. Encore Insurance Services llc. They're smart, they're wise, like the owl. For free life insurance quote, call today. Eight, six, six. I get that right? Yeah. Eight, six. Oh, hoo hoo. Okay. Eight, six, six, three, four, seven, five, seven, four, eight. See, they're not a life insurance company. Basically what they do is they work with a whole bunch of life insurance companies and they get you the best quote. Don't give me the AFLAC duck.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, you said they work with a bunch of insurance companies. I was the first one that.

[Adam Carolla]

But they may be compet. Encore. How do I.

[Harlan Williams]

So I shouldn't mix in another like

[Adam Carolla]

a competitor with the goddamn bird? Please, please think about getting life insurance. Maybe you already have coverage. Don't want to pay too much. Call Encore. They can help you save. They'll compare the premiums of highly rated insurers and they represent all of them to help you save. Save. Let them do the work for you. That's the point. That's the point. Let them do the heavy lifting. Let the pros handle it. 8, 6, 6, 3, 4, 7. What's up with the owl sounds? Come on. 5748 Licensing and Disclaimer Information can be found on their [e-mail]. that's smartterm.com, doc. Good folks.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you do a rooster? Can you do any kind of. Are you like a bird? Jukebox?

[Harlan Williams]

I can do. I think I can do.

[Sandra]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah. Was that a rooster or a. I'd wake up.

[Harlan Williams]

It was a. I was a. I

[Adam Carolla]

was saying to Mike lynch today.

[Harlan Williams]

That's a.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about. We're talking about getting up early in the morning.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I bet you are.

[Adam Carolla]

And how much it sucks.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And how it's almost a sort of a shock to your body. It's a miniature little. It's like getting into a little action.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a tiny stroke.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a brain stroke. It's just a little one. It's a little shock. Like that thing where. You know that thing where when I used to do morning radio, every once in a while you'd be out till 2am and then the alarm would go off at 4:45 and it was like. Like it hurt. And then I said, that's why you crave all the greasy, shitty stuff. It's a way to soothe yourself. It's like your body going, I need something. I need a vig here.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. But then you feel worse because it's so early.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but think about how much you. You crave a McDeel. You know, bacon. I'm sorry. You know McDonald's?

[Harlan Williams]

That's why when you wake up in the morning, you have Chicken McNuggets in the corner of your eyes. Those little gold.

[Adam Carolla]

They are nuggety, aren't they?

[Harlan Williams]

That. Just eat those.

[Allison Rosen]

You're nuggets in your. I know you.

[Adam Carolla]

You. You crave the egg McMuffin and other green sausage and all that sort of shit. When you get up at 4:30, when you get up at 9:30, you don't crave that.

[Allison Rosen]

That shit because your defenses are down and you're in pain.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, but it motivates you. Like I said, like, sometimes the coffee will motivate you. Like if you smell the coffee brewing or something, you'll go like, not so bad. And then I said, someone Must have thought of this, but somebody needs an alarm clock that sets out a little spritz of Canadian bacon in coffee.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

One minute before it goes off, and you'd just be lying there going. And then when the alarm went off, you'd go, all right, I'm ready for some of that. Then you'd be sorely disappointed when you got down to the kitchen. But I think that would help you get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. But would there be a snooze and you could hit it, and then nine minutes later, it would spritz another thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it literally like. Like a buffet bar.

[Mary Lynn Rajskub]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

You mean like a spritz. Like a. It's. It shoots an aroma.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they do. They have all that stuff now that you plug in and it shoots out.

[Harlan Williams]

I was picturing, like, a digital alarm clock frying up, like, bacon.

[Adam Carolla]

And that would be even better. Even better.

[Harlan Williams]

Fire hazard.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie, what movies did we watch when we were in Monterey? Oh, we watched Evel Knievel, the George Hamilton version of Evel Knievel. What about when evil backed up the sheriff?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I met Evel Knievel once, and I watched a him jump 13 Mack trucks at the Canadian National Exhibition.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the out of Denver.

[Harlan Williams]

All right. Yeah, I watched him do it. Perfect job.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad was a. Your dad was a dignitary.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, that has nothing to do with a guy jumping a motorcycle.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's how you got in when

[Harlan Williams]

you were 13, not tell the audience how.

[Adam Carolla]

I. We pulled a few strings, made a few phone calls.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it's too late for that. I feel like they already know the can of worms. I didn't know this was the Harlan Williams son of the dignitary at age 13.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You watched Evil jump the 13 big rigs.

[Harlan Williams]

I watched him, and I met him at an airport. He had his own private Lear jet, and I got his autograph. He was on the tarmac, and my dad landed his plane because we had to clear customs, and there was Evil.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad landed his plane?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, we had to clear customers. We flew from Toronto. We had to clear Lear customs in Detroit. So we go down, and I'm not having a good time, but here's this Lear jet with a painting of Evel Knievel on the side doing a wheelie. And Evil himself's, like, standing on the tarmac, you know, putting on a show, and come here. And I asked for an autograph. I had a little piece of paper. He tosses it, pulls out a photograph of him jumping, signs it. What a dream.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell You a story from my childhood.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm busy.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, hey, dad, can I have a ride to Van Nuys? And he said, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Then what happened?

[Adam Carolla]

That was it. That was it. Is this him?

[Harlan Williams]

That's the guy. Look at him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's evil. Is he jumping the Mack trucks?

[Harlan Williams]

That's the Canadian. That's. I was at that.

[Adam Carolla]

You were there. A 13 year old Harlan Williams. What kind of bird call would you do from the crowd if evil was up in the air, soaring like the majestic hawk?

[Harlan Williams]

You know what I'd probably do as an egret? Have you ever seen one of those beautiful white egrets?

[Adam Carolla]

They look like you just seen you get an errand veit over the computer. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, an egret. How dare you. I'm this close to flying over this coffee table.

[Dawson]

Yeah, when you can't go, you send her egrets, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Egrets only don't get physical.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, let's hear the egret.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, the egret is the beautiful bird, but they have the worst. Yeah, that's an egret. And you think that would have a beautiful call, but they're like a drunk crow instead. Like a crow's like, ah, but these guys, they're like. Just like. They sound like someone drove a grater over a kid with a helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What the fuck? With the egrets. But they're.

[Harlan Williams]

I know, they're horrible. The noises they make, you know, it's

[Adam Carolla]

like a beautiful woman with a speech impediment.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Or a cleft lip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, but you'd see that.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I would hope.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then you wouldn't be a beautiful woman.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, maybe some people like a good cleft lip. You ever have a cleft job?

[Adam Carolla]

You shat upon my point. Now you're trying to back out of the deal.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I'm asking you if you. You've had a cleft job. And I think you have, by that look in your eye.

[Adam Carolla]

Evil should try to jump over once in a while. That'd be the greatest feat of all.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you had a cleft job?

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you. Your dad

[Harlan Williams]

with a cleft lip. Tell your crowd and stop running around the issues. At age 30 you had a cleft job. When you were 14 years old and

[Adam Carolla]

his child of privilege.

[Harlan Williams]

You son of a. Went to watch Evil Knievel and Donny Osmond. Wait, who's your stadium.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is your dad? Afternoon.

[Allison Rosen]

Have I heard of your dad?

[Harlan Williams]

You wouldn't know my dad because he was a Canadian politician.

[Allison Rosen]

But excuse me, I know a Lot about Canadian.

[Adam Carolla]

She has all the trading cards.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's memorized.

[Harlan Williams]

My old man was the Solicitor General of the province of Ontario, which down here would be like the Attorney General, the chief lawmaker in the land.

[Jo Koy]

Really.

[Harlan Williams]

And so my dad, I saw that Danny K movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Was his picture on. On money?

[Harlan Williams]

No, his picture wasn't on money. But here's the real kicker. When I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

So that would have been like what gig here? Attorney General.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, man. Jesus.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, there they call the ministers.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Harlan Williams]

The minister of the Solicitor General.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Now is he. Is he wildly disappointed in you or does he feel like this is a good thing?

[Harlan Williams]

I would say. I would say wild.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a brother that's pretty successful.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, he's created and imaginary brother. We never physically organically had one, but he's created imaginary one and it hurts. When we're at the barbecue, he serves him first. Billy, would you like another hot dog? And I'm like, dad, what about me? He's like, you'll wait for Billy, son.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But Billy never came. He doesn't exist.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm glad you brought.

[Adam Carolla]

So you were only child or you have a sister, somebody else is successful in your family?

[Harlan Williams]

I have four. I have four sisters.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Successful.

[Harlan Williams]

All four of them. By the way, cleft lips, did they

[Adam Carolla]

ever jump any Mack trucks?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, when you got a cleft lip, you gotta figure something hit him.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. So your dad was a pretty important dude growing up.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Well, you want to hear a funny story? I had long hair when I was a punk, right? I had the long hair. This is a true story. My dad had dinner with the Queen of England. The Queen Mother of England, right? Not Queen Elizabeth, but her mother, the Queen Mother. I got invited to go by my dad. Dad, right? And he goes, you can come and have dinner with the Queen Mother, son, if you cut your hair. That was his. That was his gimmick to get.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you do it?

[Harlan Williams]

Did you roll over for the man?

[Adam Carolla]

Up to right.

[Harlan Williams]

I knew what it was. Kanami. I said, no, I really want to go have. I want to dine with the Queen Mother, daddy. But I ain't cutting my hair.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a fucking rebel.

[Harlan Williams]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus you're still riding that high Of Donny Osmond and Evel Knievel and one after.

[Harlan Williams]

Now, the old man did get me in to see the Osmonds. I saw Donny Osmond when he was a kid when he was doing puppy

[Adam Carolla]

love and one bad apple.

[Harlan Williams]

One bad apple. It was great. I'll never forget this. He had one of those hats on, you know, like the kind that Michael Jackson used to wear. They're kind of puffy, but they have the brim on them, right? And he did, like, puppy love or something. Then he threw it into the crowd, and some chick, like 12 years old jumped up and caught it in her gut like a Super Bowl. You could almost hear go, oof. Like that under her back arch. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

I vividly remember later, his dad's goons wrestled away from her and gave it to young Harlan.

[Allison Rosen]

Harlan's dad's muscle. So wait, though, but did you. Did you eat crumpets with the Queen mom with your long hair?

[Harlan Williams]

No, he wouldn't let me go.

[Allison Rosen]

He really did.

[Harlan Williams]

Dad would let me go.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought the story was going to where you said no, and then your dad let you go anyway.

[Harlan Williams]

How often do you get to invite your kid to dine with the Queen Mother of England, Queen Elizabeth ix?

[Adam Carolla]

I understand where your dad is coming from. You got to keep appearances up. You look like some kind of goddamn hippie with your Donny Osmond hair.

[Harlan Williams]

But think about it, like, if you look at the old, like, hierarchy, there was old kings who had, like. If you look at old paintings, kings had long hair, powdered wigs. Jesus had long hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Are you telling me. Telling me I'm worse than Jesus?

[Adam Carolla]

He mostly kept it in a bun.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, well, I can walk across bottled water and he never did so there.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to like Donny Osmond and Michael Jackson because I missed the era of the nine year old singing. Hey, girl, I gotta get with you now. What? What? You have no. You barely have a cock. What exactly you gonna do with that, girl? Like all the songs around. Hey, girl, want to get with you, girl Want to make you mine girl, you're fucking nine. You. You're six years away from a pube.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about? What's. What are you gonna do?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, the song should be about, like, pulling legs off a grasshopper in the sandbox, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

That should be with the. Hey, grasshopper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I want to eat paste.

[Harlan Williams]

There's the hat. Yeah, that's the hat he threw. Oh, my. You guys are getting all these pictures from my mind. This is scaring me.

[Adam Carolla]

What other cool gigs did you do?

[Harlan Williams]

You remember from your childhood through my dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, every time a major act blew through town, you were front and center, right?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Well, I saw. I. I saw Billy Idol in Toronto. I got right up front.

[Adam Carolla]

But that wasn't Dad's no, that was

[Harlan Williams]

this girl I was dating. Her old man had some kind of a hookup at the same time, same stadium, the Osmonds Rat. And I got to see Billy Idol saying Eyes without a Face, like right in front of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, yeah. He slowed it down.

[Harlan Williams]

Did you. Do you like the Idol? You like some Billy Idol?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need to hear Moni Moni ever again.

[Harlan Williams]

No, that. That's not his song. Yeah, that's why I don't need to

[Adam Carolla]

hear White Wedding ever again.

[Harlan Williams]

I think you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I need to do.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

But I could hear the Eyes without a Face. And I would be on your shoulders with my Bic over my head.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Slows it down.

[Harlan Williams]

What about Cleft without a Face?

[Adam Carolla]

Left without a Face. Who else did you see? Back in the old Canadian days, if

[Allison Rosen]

it was Cleft without a Face, there'd be a bigger problem than just the cleft.

[Adam Carolla]

It's almost like you can hear it, isn't it? The mind's a powerful, powerful drawing board.

[Harlan Williams]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

It is so creative.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait a minute. Why am I giving away all mine? My childhood.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't go to any concerts.

[Harlan Williams]

You see, when you were.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad wasn't district selectman of North Hollywood.

[Harlan Williams]

You went to something I didn't go to. Come off it.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't have any money and I wouldn't drive anywhere. I didn't go. I didn't go anywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Highlight of his childhood was dressing up like a sailor and jumping over a fence.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw BTO when I was 20 with Donnie was on my shoulders the whole time.

[Harlan Williams]

Turner Overdrive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Where we saw him on Wilshire Boulevard at a place like in la.

[Harlan Williams]

I need something. When you were a kid, you must have one highlight. Every kid died.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't even know what roller bowler is. Do you know what that is? It's a carnival game. That's how sad his childhood was.

[Harlan Williams]

Appetizer at Olive Garden.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I used to. I used to. If I ever went to like the county fair, I'd see the kids with who were doing the spin art and go, Jesus Christ. They got to be wealthy, man. They got to have rich parents to afford that spin art. Cuz it was like $2.

[Harlan Williams]

See that clue just told me you were at a fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, now where was the fair?

[Adam Carolla]

Like in a church across the street

[Harlan Williams]

or a strawberry festival.

[Adam Carolla]

You could get in for free. Okay. I went to Disneyland with my uncle once when I was, you know, like eight or nine. That's huge. That would have been back in the tickets days. Yeah. That's when they go, he's a real E ticket man. Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's huge.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That was about it.

[Harlan Williams]

I went to a Canadian fair and saw Donny Osmond. You were at Disneyland? Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

Saw evel knievel jumps 13 Mac drones.

[Harlan Williams]

I also saw the Hell Riders. Have you ever heard of the Hell Riders?

[Adam Carolla]

What do they do?

[Harlan Williams]

They opened for evil. They were like stock car guys, and they'd ride around the track on mag wheels and they'd go up on two wheels. Two wheels.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a big deal. Deal, yeah. Like the Joey Chitwood thrill team back then. Yeah, it was a big deal to drive a car on two wheels all through the 70s. And then every once in a while, while the one dude was driving it on two wheels, the other dude would climb out of the passenger side stand

[Harlan Williams]

on the Hell Riders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I saw it, too, on tv.

[Harlan Williams]

I saw it live with the rest

[Adam Carolla]

of the poor people, and they were

[Harlan Williams]

driving Chargers and Dusters. Remember the Dusters? Duster, Right. Remember the dust of the little Duster?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was a little dust tornado.

[Harlan Williams]

Did you ever go around with a screwdriver and pop those. Those metal plates off a car? They were.

[Adam Carolla]

They were decals.

[Harlan Williams]

No, no. When I was a kid, I'd go around in the underground garage and pop off. I still got a bunch of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the Duster one. Yeah, but not that. Not. Not the twister with the eyes on it. That was a decal. And there was stuck. Admired.

[Harlan Williams]

There was one with a devil on it. There was like a little prong. What was it called? There was a. One that had, like, a javelin.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it a javelin?

[Harlan Williams]

A pitchfork or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it was a javelin that had that trident.

[Harlan Williams]

A trident? Yeah, it was like. It was like a cool little.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think the Duster, they had a bunch of cars like the Judge. Like, they had the Dodge Dart and it had the Judge, and they had a weird devil one and had a Duster version of it.

[Harlan Williams]

If you were a cleaning lady, would you buy a Duster?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'd buy a Swifter, though. Like a Pontiac Swifter. That'd be a good car. American car companies were so lazy. They'd be like, instead of making three different cars, why don't we make one car and get three different decals?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, we'll make.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll make.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Make the Duster, we'll make the Judge, we'll make the Dart. It all be the same car, but we'll put a different sticker on it, and that'll be that.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart. I don't think people go for that. I mean, like today, you wouldn't go in and buy a Camry. And then they'd go, oh, yeah, you want the devil Camry? And you'd be like, what is that? Totally different car. That's the same car with a fucking sticker on it.

[Harlan Williams]

No, no, no, no. You know what they should make is for drunks. They should make the Ford out of Focus. That'd be nice, right? And out of focus.

[Adam Carolla]

Or for the boring people, the Ford, not a Fiesta. Yeah. There'll be no pinata playing.

[Harlan Williams]

I like that joke. You just got yourself a free Olive Garden franchise, my friend.

[Adam Carolla]

And a bird call.

[Harlan Williams]

That's from me to you. No, just an Olive Garden franchise.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I can't stand those commercials. Commercials. I can't say Olive Garden. You know why? Because they have the four friends that are having the best fucking time of their life. And they're all couples.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's the one black couple. You're not sure. How do you know these three white couples? But they're there and they're all laughing.

[Harlan Williams]

They're laughing while they're eating. He laughs while they eat. You don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Rigatoni and, like, laughing their asses off. By the way, how pissed would your other couple friends be if you're like, tonight we do the Olive Garden.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

My wife only turns 35 once and we're going big.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you ever been to the Olive Garden?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, don't have to snap at me. I was just asking.

[Adam Carolla]

There's the hat.

[Harlan Williams]

You want to go after the show tonight?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You do?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I would.

[Allison Rosen]

What. What draws there? The bottomless salad or the breadsticks or the good times?

[Harlan Williams]

It's the. They got. It's just the ambiance. The. I feel like I'm in Italy.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like I'm in a commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

They're having a good time. And the thing about the black couple, they're never that black.

[Allison Rosen]

They're Olive Garden.

[Adam Carolla]

They're white. Featured black. You know what I mean? They ain't serious black. They're not Cheryl from Good Times. Black. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. All right. Do you have a little more news to do for us?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

These guys are having a good. I've never had that much fun eating.

[Harlan Williams]

I gotta ask before we go to the news, if you're at Olive Garden Garden, and you're slurping, you Know that you slurp spaghetti. Can you slurp faster if you have a cleft lip? And that's just a physical question.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like you'd slurp slower because you couldn't get good suction. It'd be like,

[Adam Carolla]

did you queef? I wasn't looking.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Out of my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever mic up down there with Allison Rosen?

[Allison Rosen]

JCPenney has stopped selling a controversial T shirt with the tagline, quote, I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me. The shirt, for girls ages 7 to 16 had been available online, but critics got together and began a petition, which got more than 1600 signatures before JCPenney pulled the shirt. My reaction is 1600. That's all it takes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And they take one. These days.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of weird, narcissistic. Narcissistic T shirts. Like, I. I'll see. I saw a guy walking around in Maui the other day with a shirt that said, I'm that dude. People are talking about, like, those. Like. You know, those kinds of, like, ones where it's like. And it's always the biggest fucking loser on the planet. It's like, you really? Or I've seen the license plate frame on a chick's car that said, yes, I do, but not with you. Like, is my self esteem not low enough for you, sweetheart? And by the way, what. What if I just fucking ram your ass?

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, literally, hello, at the park. I'm not talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yes, she does, but not for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, how much. How does that make you feel?

[Allison Rosen]

How sassy do we need to be?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel better about yourself? Like, if I just said, look, I'm going down to the fucking trophy store and I'm gonna get myself an MVP trophy, and I'm gonna put my name on it, and then I'm gonna bring it home. Like, is that really make you feel good, or do you have. Don't you have to earn it these days? You know what I mean? Like, does everyone just feel that fucking good about themselves? That the T shirts gonna make the difference?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the minute I have a kid, I'm gonna get a mommy says so. That's why.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

What about the ones where you get your thing where, you know, you assume it's a hottie behind the wheel, right? When you see one like that, and so you pull up and pass her, and it's like a 4 out of

[Adam Carolla]

10 with a cleft lip.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And you're like, wait a minute. First you. You made me feel bad. And now. You know, you're the type of chick I'd find sweeping up a bingo hall in Fresno. How dare you. And then you ram them and flip them right off the road.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the ones that say expensive but worth it. You know, like that kind of shit. The ones that have to do with high class or bitchy but for a reason or whatever the fuck it is.

[Allison Rosen]

40 isn't old unless you're a tree.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Someone ought to just egged those fucking kids. And by the way, the ones where you're telling me how many kids you have in your family and what their names are and including the dog, and then you show daddy holding figures. Yeah, I'm not sure you know what

[Harlan Williams]

I thought those were. Have you ever seen that? You know when fighter jets used to be in the war and for every kill they'd put a little like thing up on the side of the plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you put the swastika on the side of your plane if you took that many Messerschmitts down. Right.

[Harlan Williams]

So I always thought when I saw those things, these were like who people had run over.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Harlan Williams]

Like I've run over a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Run over a Mormon family. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

A guy playing tennis.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah, there they are. I thought that was what that was. It was like death race 2000.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. Said like a notch in the belt,

[Harlan Williams]

like an old school.

[Allison Rosen]

You ran over a guy playing banjo.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like he's got a trophy family.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's so sick.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, that family right there, I saw them at Olive Garden Garden about two weeks ago with the tennis racket.

[Allison Rosen]

So then if you passed a car with a Calvin pissing on Hobbs decal, would you think that that car had run over some guy urinating?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, you know what's amazing about that is Bill Watterson, the guy who created Calvin and Hobbs, he's the only guy, the non greedy guy in America. He never licensed any Calvin and Hobbs merchandise. Can you believe it? In America, a guy. That was a huge complaint. He didn't license anything. And for some reason there's this Calvin and Hobbes illegal sticker of Calvin peeing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sometimes he's dragging across. Yeah, sometimes he's like peeing on a Chevy bow tie.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like if you're a mopar guy, those people should just be pulled over on principle and beaten by the lapd.

[Harlan Williams]

And the lesson is he should have done merchandising because, you know, look what showed up. But when he didn't, his character's Peeing on everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird that your character's peeing.

[Harlan Williams]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

They never combine the two. It's not like, well, the guy's dragging the cross, the other guy's peeing on the cross.

[Harlan Williams]

Why is he peeing?

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't like Chevy. He's either. He's either a Ford or Mopar man.

[Allison Rosen]

You never see him drinking either. And yet he's got to be dehydrated.

[Adam Carolla]

Of all the things, there's no way he could pee that much without having to replenish. No.

[Harlan Williams]

You think though, Bill Waters would be. If someone was going to rip me off and illegally use my characters, at least something cute or funny. But no, he's got his main character peeing all over the place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What a slap in the cleft lip really is.

[Allison Rosen]

If you could work Olive Garden into that, I feel like you think you peed really would have peaked.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Harlan, you know what you ought to do? You gotta hook up with our good friends over at GoToMeeting with HD Faces.

[Harlan Williams]

Faces.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever do a conference call? Yeah, this is a high def group conference call call. It's brought to you by Citrix. It's unbelievable. Clear video quality. It's like being in the same room. Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Could you see a cleft? Real clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Keep going to the clef well. Easy to use. All you need is the Internet connection and a webcam. Try GoToMeeting with HD faces. I tried this thing out. Look at it. Look at it up there. Unbelievable. You see everyone you're talking to. You don't have people nod off. As soon as you get more than three people on the line, one person, person thinks it's okay just to nod off. And then you have to ask, is that you? Who's there? Then somebody drops off and they've been gone for 20 minutes and they come back and you go, what part did you drop off on? No more of that. Try GoToMeeting with HD Faces. Free. 30 days. You can try it for free. I should say. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam, it is unbelievable. I did it with Donnie, came over to my house. We got the guys on. It was unbelievable.

[Harlan Williams]

Why not just get everyone and go to Olive Garden instead? Well, she said I should.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do some news. Brian, you got something, don't you? Over there. Wake up, buddy. Keep that primed. Keep it primed. Wake up. Keep it prime. Let's hear some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Alyssa Milano gave birth to her first child A baby boy named Milo Thomas. The father is Milano's husband, David Buglio, who is an agent.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate it when they're with agents.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, why are you going with Milo Thomas when there's a Marla Thomas? Seems confusing. Free to be you and me.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean.

[Harlan Williams]

Buglieri. Is that what the name is?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Milo Thomas Bugler. Now, Milo is one. This is one of a bunch of baby Milos that I'm now aware of. I feel like Milo is one of those names that parents, when they think of of it, they're like, ooh, that's an unusual but cool, non made up name. And yet there's gonna be a fucking buttload of Milos.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All of a sudden, an impacted ass full of Milos totally will be brimming with Milos.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll have to take them out, dig mass graves and start disposing of them. In about 15 years, this would be too many. It'll be confusing.

[Harlan Williams]

What about Milo and Stitch? Wasn't that a Disney character? Milo and Stitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Then get that. That one.

[Harlan Williams]

You didn't get it?

[Adam Carolla]

I got the Hawaiian chick with the Tasmanian devil from outer space. What the is going on? I didn't get that. And I didn't like the message it sent to my kids, which is you can be a little bit heavyset and still have a good life. I didn't like that message at all because everyone else is all the other. The other Disney princesses are classically beautiful. You know what I mean?

[Harlan Williams]

That thing was Milo. The.

[Adam Carolla]

The creature, actually Lilo and Stitch. I can't believe you didn't do a voice on that.

[Harlan Williams]

Maybe I did. And I'm ashamed.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know what was going on. All I know is the chicks weren't hot. And that sends a very dangerous message to the youth of America and parts of Canada.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, parts. Some of the prairie areas.

[Allison Rosen]

Stitch was kind of the second coming of Glomer. Do you remember Glomer from the Punky Brewster commercial?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Punky. No, but I do remember Punky Brewster.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, there was a.

[Allison Rosen]

A animated Punky Brewster. And Punky had a little like, alien friend named Glommer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't know that part. There was an animated Punky Brewster.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't need your sassy attitude. You should be wearing a T shirt that says, I go from 0 to horny and 2.5 beard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, Alyssa Milano, she mustache rides.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Lick her in the front, poker in the rear.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what she said.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, when I was growing up, In Red Team act magazines. Alyssa Milano was in all of them.

[Harlan Williams]

She was so popular.

[Adam Carolla]

She was the best looking 14 year old on the goddamn planet.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd love. You know what I'd love to sit down with Alyssa Milano and put a fucking vomit bucket between my legs. And then she could explain to me those awkward years she went through where she felt like an ugly duckling. Because, sweetie, I've seen you since age eight. You're now 33. You've been hot every single second.

[Allison Rosen]

38, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't put together four months of being awkward. She was the best looking nine year old on TV. And now she's a hot 38 year old. And to make things worse, she sells jerseys for the NFL.

[Harlan Williams]

Was she in that? She's the ultimate woman. You said you saw. Was she in that magazine? Tiger Beat or whatever is that. She was still around.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

But what's that mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Or bop and Big Bopper.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, why.

[Harlan Williams]

Putting up Tiger Beat?

[Adam Carolla]

Putting underage chicks in a magazine magazine that ends with beat? Any port in a storm. I know what you're talking about.

[Harlan Williams]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, that's when you first discovered Donny Osmond, right? I know you had it bad for Jerry's Tiger Beat.

[Allison Rosen]

What the.

[Harlan Williams]

What's the tiger got to do with that? Is there a magazine for cougars called Cougar Beat? I mean, come on.

[Allison Rosen]

But do you remember.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at the guy at the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

It was always like, Kirk Cameron, what he really wants in a layer. Yeah. Richard Grieco, what his first date was like. Yeah. It was always. They would explain what they wanted in a girlfriend.

[Harlan Williams]

Who's Chad Allen?

[Dawson]

Who was Chad Allen?

[Allison Rosen]

Who was. Did you say who was Chad Allen?

[Dawson]

Who was Chad Allen?

[Allison Rosen]

Chad Allen was on our house and a bunch of other things. And he has come out.

[Harlan Williams]

Sounds like a summer wine. How about a nice chilly glass of Chad Allen, darling, before I retire?

[Allison Rosen]

A warm, buttery chapter? Chad Allen.

[Adam Carolla]

It's assertive without being pushy.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, what's. Is that a Chad Allen? That's a chat sexual position. He's. They're doing the Chad Allen.

[Dawson]

It is now. Wow, Adam, you touched on something, though, that we talked about in the film vault briefly. I don't think came up on here, which is girls. Women that are very hot today. The Elsa Milanos of the world. The Eliza Dishkus of the world. If you stumble across an old movie or old TV show where they're like a child, child, but you know that they've grown up to be a beautiful woman, Is it okay to be like.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. That is right. It's okay. I know what you're saying. It's a loophole in the law. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Brian, your feelings are perfectly healthy.

[Dawson]

Well, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Sandra]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you talking about is it okay to tiger beat to a young, to a nine year old Shannon Doherty or something?

[Dawson]

Putting words in my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

People ask the same question me about dead porn stars all the time and I answer it the same way. Absolutely. It's anomic.

[Harlan Williams]

What about teens? Was that no. Teen scene? Is that a magazine too? Teen scene?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess. Was that pretend like you don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that was a party line you call. Remember those?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember the party phone lines? Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

You know what's interesting though, you're talking about names and you ever notice and this happens a lot when you. When you meet a girl named Brittany or Candy or if they happen to. To have the hot name, a lot of times they're the hot girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Like you get the Karen and the Alice and they're like eh. But a kid I had an art

[Allison Rosen]

teacher named Mrs. Painter. Which happened first?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's.

[Harlan Williams]

It's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a self fulfilling, self fulfilling prophecy.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's why when some guy goes on a killing spree and I find out his name is Jesse James, you know, Johnson or something, I want to arrest the fucking parents who named him.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Take the fucking Jesse James, you ass wipes. And now this guy's got three hostages.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. So the name determines what the kid will look like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If you name your kid Harlan, you know, he's going to be in his 40s doing fucking bird calls on the podcast. I mean, you got to know that's coming.

[Allison Rosen]

Should I name my daughter Hot Snatch?

[Harlan Williams]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Harlan Williams]

Hello. Hello.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, because I know that you're always saying that Hollywood needs to make more remakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, let me. I'm just. I'm doing the math here. Let me see what that sound like Hot Snatch Greco? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

That's a salad dress.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think I could get Richard Grieco?

[Adam Carolla]

I think at this point, career wise.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh yeah, that's a dish.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoever he played on 21 Jump Street. You know what if he's let himself go and he only has one eyebrow, that would be a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, you put the poster on the ceiling, sweetie, and focus on that.

[Allison Rosen]

I had River Phoenix posters on my wall and River Phoenix had his shirt open like down to his. Above his navel and I remember my mom came in. She's like, it just seems so trashy to me.

[Harlan Williams]

See, there's a name. River. Body of Water.

[Adam Carolla]

Later on, after he passed away, did you have second thoughts about pleasuring yourself to the poster? See, that's what Brian's asking. That's what Brian needed to know.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I was like the nine year old Michael Jackson in that. I. No, there was no pleasuring myself even mentally to that. I was too young for all of that.

[Harlan Williams]

Too young.

[Adam Carolla]

I understood.

[Allison Rosen]

I just appreciated him in sort of a platonic way.

[Adam Carolla]

Not like Harlan with Donny Osmond.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

Unbelievable. Hot summer night. On a hot summer night, would you give your. Whatever that meatloaf song is?

[Allison Rosen]

So NBC is adapting Romancing the Stone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. Another idea that someone came up with 20 years ago comes onto TV. Everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly. The 1984 movie. But isn't that Kathleen Turner? This is what I remember from that movie. She was wearing high heels and she had to run, so she broke off the heel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a woman. All I remember that's an 84.

[Harlan Williams]

I think that was the precursor to Indiana Jones because remember, these guys are running through the jungle and sliding down the mud and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but did the first one come out before or after the first Indiana Jones came out?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, who. Whichever.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I know that this was 84.

[Dawson]

Indiana Jones came first.

[Adam Carolla]

It did. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

All right. Then they ripped it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Harlan, let me give you a little piece of advice. Here's where you use the. Yeah, but still.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. What do you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, watch. Watch how I do this with Brian. Uh. Oh. You know what? I feel like Indiana Jones ripped off Romancing the Stuff stone. I feel like all the sliding down the mud and the rope bridges and all that stuff was something that they directly stole. Romancing Stone. Boom. Indiana Jones comes in and rips off every idea they have.

[Dawson]

Indiana Jones did come out four years earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but still. You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

That is how it's done.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a tie.

[Harlan Williams]

Can you do it again?

[Adam Carolla]

It's always a tie.

[Harlan Williams]

Do it again.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always a tie.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

They can't win. It's a tie. You understand?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but still it's two.

[Adam Carolla]

It's two guys in an elevator. One guy farts and the other guy says, come on. And he says, I don't know what you're talking about. It's a tie.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like. That's what she said.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's not.

[Harlan Williams]

You Said yes first, though, but that's

[Adam Carolla]

because I know improv.

[Harlan Williams]

But still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But yes. And rest of the news. Thank you. Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Romancing the stone.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a horrible Romancing the Tiger beat.

[Adam Carolla]

Come up with some original idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Astrophysicist has looked into the problem of inefficient airplane boarding and come up with a method which he says will take half the time of the block method, which is where people board from the rear to the front in groups.

[Harlan Williams]

How about airplane waterboarding? That'd get people on. Get on or you're gonna get waterboarded. Dill weed.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that, but they. They don't even do it back to the front. They do the first class first. And the first class is in the front of the plane, and everyone has to walk past them. All right, I want to do this.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Well, there's already. There was something called the Wilma method, which is. Which was supposed to be 40% more efficient. And that's where they board the window seats and then the middle seats and then the aisle seats. But this astrophysicist has the Stephan method, which they. First, they bored the window seats of alternating rows in groups of three, and then they board the middle seats in alternating rows of groups of three. And basically what this does is so no one is fighting for the same aisles or the same. Yeah. Aisle space. Or the same overhead cabin space. And they tested this on a show called this Versus that, which is what this clip is from.

[Adam Carolla]

And it'd be great.

[Allison Rosen]

And this will never happen, though, because it would work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's too efficient. Airlines would never do it. Listen, I'm the guy who. You don't know this chapter in my life, Alison, but bald Bryan was there. It was about five years ago. I said, there's an airline has its own channels. Right. You plug the headphones in this a little bit before everyone started bringing their own ipods and whatnots and laptops and everything. And there was a time when you would just plug in and listen to what they had on their 10 channels. And first of all, first off, they can't modulate between the two channels. Like, one is like, whoa, this is too low. I can't hear this. And you start turning it up, and then you switch channels and your fucking blood starts coming out of your eyeballs. Like, make them the same fucking level, would you? Retards? I swear to God, no. Because you're watching an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond and you can't hear it. So it's like you turn it up. And at a certain point you switch channel.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Spanish and it's loud.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's the reggaeton channel. All of a sudden your fucking head explodes. All right, the number one. But I said, why is there not one sleeping channel on the airline channels? They program them and there is a classical channel, but after two classical songs, some fucking blowhard gets on there and he goes, you're listening to the United Classical channel. That was Johann Sebastian Bach in Egypt playing March of the Month. Now later on, Philadelphia Philharmonic went to record this. An F session. True story. It's like, shut the fuck up and play the fucking music so I can fall the fuck asleep. So I called, I think U.S. air, Elise Eberwine. Elise Eberwine, Elise Eberwine. I said, why don't you guys program one sleeping child channel? Play soft music, have a babbling brook. People want to sleep on an airplane. As a matter of fact, you want them to sleep on an airplane because that's one less person pushing the button needing a refill or some more free pretzels or blanket or whatever. And here's how I know they want you to sleep on an airplane. And this is how fucking stupid airlines are. If you fly red eye flight, what do they do? They walk out with a blanket and a of piece pillow, they give it to you. They shut the lights, they go, we'll be over here. Meaning go to sleep, leave us alone. And if everyone slept on a flight or if 20% of the people who flew slept, they'd probably save millions of dollars a year in whatever beverage services, whatever's going on. They could fire thousands of these flight attendants because they'd only need two per hundred people instead of four. But, but yet they program their own music. Everyone wants to sleep on the plane. And not one of the 12 stations, oh, they have country and western, but they don't have one fucking channel dedicated to sleeping.

[Harlan Williams]

It won't work. You know why? Because no matter what you're listening to, when those knob cheeses get on the PA system. Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. Will you please put every 20 minutes they got to tell us about something. Yeah, and that overrides the earphones, so you're getting an announcement even if you

[Adam Carolla]

like when those guys cut in. I hate it when I'm trying to

[Harlan Williams]

watch a show or something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm watching a show and they jump in. And especially when they do the bullshit like LAX, 68 degrees with a 3 knot wind coming out of the south. What the fuck? Throw three knots. Let me get on the phone.

[Harlan Williams]

What about to the left?

[Allison Rosen]

You can just see where Pat. Passing a cloud.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and the other thing they do, too, which is kind of bullshit. They go, everyone sitting on the right side of the airplane can look out the window and see the grandkids. What about everyone else on the left side? Are they.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they'll get their turn.

[Adam Carolla]

Give them some fucking peanuts or circle around and give them a shot.

[Allison Rosen]

So, wait, what did Eberwine say, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Eberwine argued with me a lot, as everyone does, Brian. You know this.

[Dawson]

She was a good sport, though.

[Harlan Williams]

She was fine.

[Dawson]

She more sparred with you than art.

[Adam Carolla]

I said. I said, she let you program a station? I said, eberwine. I said, she worked for USAir. I said, first off, how many carriers have there been? Like, how many airlines have there been? Probably into the 50s at this point. How many are currently operating? They all program their own stations. Not one has a fucking sleeping channel. This has been going on. And I think I said, this has been going on for 50 years. And she went, 50 years? More like 20 years. I said, 20 years. And she was like, yeah. And I said, you think they've had those headphones since 1990 or 1988? And she went, all right, maybe you're right. She should have pulled a. Yeah, but still on that. The point is, let's just say all the major carriers, US United, whatever, Continental, whatever, all of them programmed their own stations. None of them have a sleeping station. She let me program my own sleeping station for her airline. I said, this is Adam Carolla. I know a lot of you'd like to get some sleep.

[Allison Rosen]

That's so cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And then I just put a whole bunch of lullaby classical music on there. She let it run for, like, four months and then pulled it, and now she's back to super blow hard guy.

[Allison Rosen]

What a magical four months, though.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a dumb. Airlines are. And I told her. I told her to do it, and she did it. Like, ah. They treat everything with a. That's good. That's good. Now sit down and shut up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they're like, what else you got?

[Adam Carolla]

But don't fall asleep.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Whoa. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Bald. Brian, do you have one of our new sponsors over there?

[Dawson]

I just found out about this company. I don't know much about them, but, Adam, I'm moving. This is funny, because, as you know, I'm moving up all my stuff, and we're coming across a lot of stuff we're thinking about throwing out, particularly a lot of old electronic devices. I'm sure you have them stacked away in your house, old MP3 players.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. It's like. The thing's three years old. It's no good to you. You'll never use it again. But I can't throw it away because I would have killed somebody for it five years ago.

[Dawson]

Well, there's a company called Gazelle. Gazelle.com. and they will. They will take your old stuff that's useless to you. They'll refurbish it and they'll sell it on the open market and they'll share the profits with you.

[Adam Carolla]

And you send it to them, or they send you. Mike told me they send you a box.

[Dawson]

You go online, you tell them what you got, and if they're there, if they want to sell it, they think they can make some money off it. They'll say, here, here's a box. We may send you the box for free shipping, and you send it back to them.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go through my closet, I'm gonna pull out all that shit, and I may stuff my daughter in that box as well.

[Dawson]

Seriously, worst case scenario, it doesn't sell. They recycle it for you for free. So you don't have the guilt of throwing it.

[Adam Carolla]

So if it doesn't sell. Yeah, because all these things have all these heavy metals in them. And you can't toss it in the dumpster.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause you feel like when anyone's looking,

[Adam Carolla]

makes the Indian cry. Yeah. So how do you do this?

[Dawson]

Gazelle.com.

[Adam Carolla]

gazelle.com.

[Dawson]

Like the animal.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. Do we tell them Adam sent you or any of that stuff?

[Dawson]

It doesn't say here.

[Adam Carolla]

It just says gazelle dot com.

[Dawson]

Round up your used electronics and go to gazelle dot com. That's Gazelle dot com. Don't just sell it. Gazelle it.

[Adam Carolla]

Gazelle it. And here's the thing. You're not gonna. All it is is it's. It's the worst kind of trash. Because it's trash you can't throw away. You know what? I got a bunch of.

[Allison Rosen]

I've got. I had a heartburn sitting under my bed forever.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a bunch of, like, universal remotes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That cost me a shitload of money that I can't use now and I can't throw away. I'm going to Gazelle. What do you got?

[Harlan Williams]

I actually have a Gazelle.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you want a Gazelle? Did you Want them to refurbish?

[Harlan Williams]

I bought a gazelle online.

[Allison Rosen]

Electronic gazelle.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, it's a real gazelle. It grazes in my yard and I'm done with it.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it weak?

[Harlan Williams]

It's everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you want to. You want.

[Harlan Williams]

I want a gazelle.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you know what? Get some kibble rounded up in a water dish. They'll send over a bigger box and we'll do it that way.

[Harlan Williams]

It's gone.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it crate trained?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what does the gazelle sound like? Harlan. Thank you. September 8th through the 11th at Hilarities in Cleveland and then the 16th through the 17th September Comedy Factory in Baltimore. You can check out his podcast, the Harlan Highway.

[Harlan Williams]

Ah, thank you, buddy. Yes. Three days a week, Monday, Wednesdays and

[Adam Carolla]

Fridays, the Harland highway, available on itunes and his website, Harlan Williams.williams.com. so until next time, this is Adam Crawler for Paul Bryan, Harlan Williams and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

I go from zero to horny. And 2.5 beers.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right. That was adam Cole Show 646 with the insane, bizarre, awesome Harlow Williams going to Alice and Brian. That does it for this weekend's cruel classics. Make sure to next weekend for three all new installments.

[Adam Carolla]

Until then, Hollow and get it on.

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset free. This is the mantra. With movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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