Matt Besser + Kevin Nealon (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Matt Besser + Kevin Nealon
Episode Date: October 31, 2025
PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode serves up a compilation of stand-out segments from two classic Adam Carolla Show episodes featuring comedic heavyweights Kevin Nealon and Matt Besser (of Upright Citizens Brigade fame). With co-hosts Allison Rosen and Brian "Bald Brian" Bishop, both shows are a quintessential mix of Adam's signature rants, no-holds-barred celebrity banter, and wide-ranging discussions—spanning topics from recycling innovations and TV culture to the quirks of stand-up careers, mushroom trips, and absurd news stories.

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Key Discussions & Highlights

1. Adam's "Recyclerola" – Comedy & Practical Invention

(01:24–06:44)

• Adam demonstrates his penchant for practical innovation and self-deprecating humor when discussing his home-invented recycling chute, the "Recyclerola." He riffs on how easy recycling could be with his PVC piping gadget, getting deep into the DIY details and the logistics of installation.

  • “A piece of 3 inch PVC pipe will handle every can, 96% of bottles up to wine bottles…Just fire those bottles right down in there. It’s awesome.” – Adam Carolla (03:50)

• The segment sets the episode’s tone: irreverent takes on responsible living, with the panel joking about its alternate uses (possible glory hole, clutter disposal).

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2. Dick Clark’s Legacy & Aging Fame

(10:16–16:38)

• After Dick Clark’s death, the group unpacks the weirdness of Clark’s public persona—how he seemed ageless until suddenly, he didn’t.

  • “It was like Dick Clark saved all his old for the end…He was an age hoarder.” – Adam Carolla (10:47)
  • “Do you think he’s the douchiest douche who ever douched? Oh, no, that’s you.” – Allison Rosen (15:39)

• Adam oscillates between mock-resentment and backhanded admiration, debating the merits of hanging on to the spotlight after your prime and the inevitability of time.

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3. Ted Nugent, Political Speech & The Culture of Liability

(17:20–29:02)

• News turns to Ted Nugent’s inflammatory political comments. The conversation explores free speech, the practice of "covering your ass" in society, and the cost of performative official procedures.

  • “Otherwise they’re not doing their job. It’s all about saying—it’s really one big Celebrity Apprentice.” – Adam Carolla (22:24)

• Adam weaves in a Celebrity Apprentice anecdote, illustrating how corporate and government procedures often amount to little more than ass-covering and legal compliance.

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4. Race & Reality TV ("The Bachelor" Lawsuit)

(29:02–32:53)

• Panelists address the lawsuit against "The Bachelor" for lacking diversity, with tongue-in-cheek speculation about a "Black Bachelor" season and its cultural/political implications.

  • “But if you are just a contestant…you’ll make the first cut. They cannot get rid of the black person because it just seems racist. Cannot do that.” – Adam Carolla (30:49)

• The conversation lightly skewers both network pandering and underlying social discomforts.

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5. Kevin Nealon Spotlight: SNL, Showbiz, and Comedy Longevity

(36:13–65:14)

Background & Getting to SNL:

• Nealon shares a winding path from sandlot football to doing stand-up, to unexpectedly catching the "Saturday Night Live" break (58:09–59:05).

  • “I just did some of my standup and some stuff that Dana and I used to do…the whole time I was just humoring them.” – Kevin Nealon

• Adam and Kevin riff on outsider feelings and the grind of getting noticed.

Reuse of Material & Touring:
(62:34–64:55)

• Adam grapples with how much old material is okay to repeat when returning to the same city, and Kevin offers practical, empathetic advice for comics:
  • “I think if you have about 25% new stuff…that’s it.” – Kevin Nealon (63:32)

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6. Personalities, Being a "Dick," and Life in Entertainment

(93:01–124:59)

• Honest, meta reflections ensue as Adam questions his reputation for being abrasive and defensive, referencing arguments with his wife and colleagues.

  • “You know, my wife says, you do understand nobody likes you, right?” – Adam Carolla (113:52)
  • “You’re abrasive, juvenile, hyper vigilant in the insult department, and you’re really good at it. And there’s no winning an argument with you.” – Dawson (119:57)

• Mike Lynch (writer/producer) weighs in, diagnosing Adam with hyper-vigilance—but not Asperger’s—and the group playfully hammers out the difference between being a “douche” and just direct.

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7. Matt Besser & UCB: Improv, Mushrooms, and "Freak Dance"

(172:41–240:44)

• Besser (UCB founder) shares Upright Citizens Brigade’s origins, the perils and triumphs of group improv, and details his dance movie parody "Freak Dance."
• The group shares mushroom trip stories (175:48, 177:49), reflecting on altered perceptions and comedy.

Memorable Besser Quote:

• “Like, every time I do mushrooms, I go, this is fucking awesome, man. I should do this more often. And then 10 years goes by...” – Adam Carolla (177:15)
• “I had a bad trip the last time I did it…as much as I talked about it today.” – Matt Besser (227:50)

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8. Music Deep Dives with David Wilde

(128:49–167:09)

• Music journalist David Wilde joins to recommend overlooked tracks and discuss tales of chasing down elusive interviews (Van Morrison, Bob Dylan, Peter Wolf).
  • “This is a song called Nothing but the Wheel by Peter Wolf with Mick Jagger. It was originally recorded by Patti Loveless…just beautiful to me.” – David Wilde (158:00)

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9. News Segment: Weird Stories, Mushrooms, and Absurdity

(184:48–227:37)

• Allison’s news brings stories about a dentist who extracts her ex’s teeth, a $155k bottle of 19th-century beer, mushroom adventures, and a debunked "Nueve Mom" story (“Octomom” of Mexico).
• The show closes with playful debates on animal mentality (cats vs. dogs), societal quirks, and palate-cleansing cuteness.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “That was Corolla’s sketch…He didn't do any work, just talked about it.”
  (39:24, Adam Carolla, riffing on invention and “Da Vinci syndrome.”)

• On Reusing Old Comedy Material:
  “You get three or four shots at the same material. And then you have to start shifting it up because people only have so many friends.”
  (64:05, Kevin Nealon)

• On Public Persona:
  “I make everyone that much stupider. Like, you know, Magic Johnson made everyone…that much better. I make everyone that much worse.”
  (111:57, Adam Carolla)

• On Legal & Safety Warnings:
  “Now, do they want to put this tag on the space heater? No. Does it cost them an extra 20 cents that they pass along to us? Yes. Do they give a fuck what it looks like? No. Some lawyer told them to do it…”
  (25:52, Adam Carolla)

• On Improv and Comedy Groups:
  “There’s always two people where you go, fuck, I don’t want to be on stage with this asshole…You have your inner dialogue of 'I’m going to fucking kill them' and your outer dialogue of 'I have to come up with something funny.'”
  (174:36, Adam Carolla)

• Besser on Mushrooms & Improv:
  “One time I did mushrooms while improvising…it's like when you do mushrooms, you think mushrooms plus anything equals fun.”
  (175:48, Matt Besser)

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Timestamps for Significant Segments

• [01:24–06:44] — The Recyclerola invention and DIY home hacks
• [10:16–16:38] — Dick Clark tribute commentary and aging in showbiz
• [17:20–29:02] — Ted Nugent, Secret Service, and “cover your ass” culture
• [29:02–32:53] — "The Bachelor" diversity lawsuit and “free pass” jokes
• [36:13–65:14] — Kevin Nealon’s path: SNL, stand-up, and material reuse
• [93:01–124:59] — Adam’s “douche” persona explored by the team
• [128:49–167:09] — Music with David Wilde; Peter Wolf, Mick Jagger, Bruce Springsteen
• [172:41–240:44] — Matt Besser, mushrooms, UCB, and “Freak Dance” movie

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Tone and Style

The entire show unfolds in Adam’s signature conversational style—loosely structured, candid, and deeply irreverent, with rapid pivots from the poignant to absurd. Kevin Nealon’s dry, observational humor provides a subtle counterpoint to Adam’s directness, while Matt Besser’s stories add an edge of surreal, improv-driven energy. Allison and Brian volley sharp asides and news, playing both straight men and co-conspirators.

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Summary Takeaway

This "Carolla Classics" episode is a generous, rolling buffet of humor, cultural commentary, and behind-the-scenes showbiz tales. Whether they're riffing on personal failings, exploring why warning labels exist, or repurposing old joke material, Adam and friends offer an appealing blend of wisdom and irreverence for listeners who crave detail, candor, and big laughs.

Transcript

[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm your host, super fan Giovanni.

[David Wilde]

This is the podcast we play the.

[Adam Carolla]

Best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Cruella Show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics available exclusively through podcast1. + sign up and get the ad free archives of this show.

[David Wilde]

And if you'd like the ad free.

[Adam Carolla]

Archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat It Out. Make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcorl.com now on to the clips. Coming first day we have Adam Koller show 804 featuring Kevin Nealon, Allison Rosen.

[David Wilde]

And Brian Bishop from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian. I got two turntables and a kaiser roll. I was excited about Neyland coming in here. Good, good man, good man. I was doing a little homework with Sonny before I came out here tonight and there was a little. It's so. Everything is so bad now. Like, everything's just a punchline to what we've turned into. It was like, oh, 10 things you can do to help the planet Earth. Like, everything is. They're indoctrinated kids into this whole Earth thing. It's all kind of. Most of the stuff that goes on is just stuff where no one will ever complain about it. Like, you go, well, we're going to talk about diversity and we're going to talk about the planet Earth and we're going to talk about fairness. We're going to talk about. And everyone just goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's like, you know, random rescuing puppies from the pound. Like no one could ever put their hand up and go, that's bullshit. Yeah, nonsense. So the kids, I had to write, he said, well, one thing we could do is clean up. That would help the planet Earth if we cleaned up. And so I had to spell it for him and he was writing it out and had to get the eraser out because I went cla. I had to stop and get the eraser out and had, you know, English, second language nanny laughing at me from across the way. Cla.

[Brian Bishop]

At what point will the kids surpass you in terms of spelling?

[Adam Carolla]

Have they like last week? No, not yet. Understand, I learned to spell a little bit every day because I didn't know how to spell so well, you know, a few years ago, still learning. I would say that their cursive is better than mine at this point. They write better than I do. That is that much I can say. But the spelling I still. Because I think I got recycle. I think I nailed recycle. Pretty sure. Pretty sure. R E C Y L E Recyle. Recycle. Yeah, I got it in there. Yeah, I got recycle. And then I was going to try to work my recyclerola in there which is my recycling thing that's built into every home. But I thought that'd be a little, you know, a little self aggrandizing. So I didn't, you know me, I don't like to talk about myself. So I did not work the recyclerola in there. Although I have installed one in my home and Jimmy Kimmel's home as well. Very, very satisfying piece of PVC pipe. You realize A piece of 3 inch PVC pipe will handle every can, 96% of bottles up to wine bottles. Not going to handle the one gallon milk jug, but all the beer bottles, all the soda cans and all the wine bottles, possibly even a 40 ouncer, pow, straight down the thing and you put the can on the outside and on the inside is my little brass flap that I had made up. And you flip it open, fire the bottle down. They don't gather up on the sink. It's awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a fucking brilliant. It's one of your all time best ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely. But my question is, what would you advise someone who wanted to put it in their own home? Because this is not. You have to go through a wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first you have to send me money because I've registered it. Although I guess if you called it after your last name, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Rosenarola.

[Adam Carolla]

Recycle it Johnson. And then it'd be fine. Step two, the hole in the wall. You know your hole. Let's talk about your hole for a second. Your exterior wall is going to either be two by fours or it's going to be two by sixes. Either way, there's going to be. There's going to be a bay there. There'll be an opening. It's tough. You have to find some space outside. The wall is going to be clapboard or stucco or something like that. You want to put it up high enough so that it's above the recycling can on the outside and open.

[Brian Bishop]

You almost have to have a two story house.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Because this won't work.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, because you could have a low lying can.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody's kitchen's on the second floor. It' doesn't yours go down?

[Brian Bishop]

Isn't it like at a 45 degree angle?

[Allison Rosen]

I've seen down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I don't need the second story to have the kitchen on the first floor. Otherwise no one could have a kitchen.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, sorry.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep going.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought the whole idea was it had to go down a floor.

[Adam Carolla]

It is most people's kitchen. Usually if you go out someone's back door, you'll usually step down two stairs to get to their backyard. Their backyard is not running into their kitchen. There'll be a step or two. So you will have that step or two. And if you go up above your countertop, which is above 3 foot and you're down a couple of steps, you can roll that dumpster right on up to the outside of the thing. You put the recycler roll, you put the tube at like a 45 degree angle. Just sort of like an angle. You have to cut them accordingly at angles so they sit flush in the wall and flush outside the wall. I outside you put like a rubber flap so vermin or whatever can't get up in there. And you just fire those bottles right down in there. It's nice actually. If you fire them with enough gusto, you can hear them crash down below.

[Allison Rosen]

If it were me, I feel like I'd start out recycling with it and eventually I'd just use it as a place to stuff things that I just want to get rid of and I don't know where to put them.

[Adam Carolla]

Clutter, possible glory hole.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh yeah. If you were with someone who was really, really blessed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Speaking of blessed or cursed, how about you bless yourself with some bigcommerce? That's right. Bigcommerce.com they get you started, baby. Everything you need to take your business online.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's say you want to sell some recyclerolas.

[Adam Carolla]

That's got to get down with bigcommerce.com 24. 7. You don't need any tech skills. They have 24. 7 customer service. BigCommerce powers over 7 million. 7 million in sales. Oh, yeah. 700 million. Holy crap.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a lot. In sales.

[Adam Carolla]

700 million in sales. Limited time offer. 30 days free. You can try it out for free. I talked to these cats. I said, what's the catch? What do you need? Credit card. Firstborn. What do you need? DNA. Firstborn's credit card. What do you need? What do you need? Stem cells. They're like, no, try it out for free. You'll love it. Build a fully functional store at no expense. Look, whether you're getting started, whether you have a business, whatever it is. BigCommerce.com. go to BigCommerce.com, click on the radio icon on the homepage, and enter my name. Al. Adam. Enter the name Adam. All right, Allison Rosen. Shall we get into a little bit of the news and then we'll see what Neyland's up to. Yes, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to take a moment to just thank the people who contacted me who are concerned about me since I was not here yesterday, although my virtual representation was, and she did an excellent job. I'm fine. I was at the hospital all day yesterday with a family member who was, I agree with Charles Manson surgery. And now I'm back, and in terms of things where all you're really doing is sitting there, but it feels like you ran a marathon. Hospitals right up there with airports or being on the plane. Potentially worse, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Very draining.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. I was walking through the kids hospital on Thursday with the celebrities, and, you know, maybe I'm out of line, maybe I'm jaded, but I'm like, why are we going up an elevator and going room to room when we're the celebrities? And they could just come down to the lobby?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Can't they wheel on past you?

[Adam Carolla]

Number one? Yeah. And why am I putting on a gown and putting on the weird cootie gloves? And number two, they have no idea who the fuck any of us are.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the real problem. Everyone pictures these sort of girls before swine, right? Yeah. Everyone pictures that sort of Babe Ruth thing where it's like, hit a. But it's not like there's a six and a half year old little Cammy going, hey, it's former UFC heavyweight belt holder Cain Velasquez. Like, that doesn't happen.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's not like these are gonna be future podcast listeners because they're sick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, let's just be realistic.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, obviously some of them are gonna live to fight another day, but do they have credit cards? Are they doing a lot of online commerce?

[Allison Rosen]

Who vetted these sick children?

[Adam Carolla]

That's. It's like you were listening to me talk to my publicist.

[Kevin Nealon]

It really.

[Adam Carolla]

It really is.

[Allison Rosen]

It is just like that. So, speaking of hospitals, I recently was on the receiving end of an aggressive rectal exam that happened in a doctor's office. Actually. I didn't even have to be admitted. Sad news. Dick Clark died. I just clicked. That was weird. Dick Clark died Wednesday morning at the age of 82. The American Bandstand creator suffered a heart attack while at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica for an outpatient procedure.

[Adam Carolla]

It was weird. It's like Dick Clark saved all his old for the end.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like one of those teams that doesn't move the ball for three and a half quarters and then puts up 31 points. Like, he's like. Instead, he's like Tim Tebow. Yeah. Instead of just being the age I should be all the way through life, I'll be 39 my entire life, and I'll be 110. For the last three years, he was an age hoarder. It was weird. How about you leave the joking to Adam? I think that's the way to go. I think that's the way to go. Instead of just getting old with the rest of us, he just made his move. He went from the back of the pack to sitting on the old pole like that. He made a run at the end because it's weird. I heard Dick Clark died, and I was like, I have no idea how old he was, because he was young, and then he was super old.

[Allison Rosen]

What do they call him? The world's oldest teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

America's oldest teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

The Old Pole. By the way, good name for Adams.

[Adam Carolla]

D. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

You are really trying to make that a thing, aren't you?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's happening.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

So the family has not yet decided if there will be a public memorial service for Clark, but there will be no funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like only yesterday I was sitting backstage at the Grammys punching up jokes for Kimmel. Or maybe it was the American music awards. And he ran into the room, threw the duvetyne curtain aside, looked at me and said, jimmy, get out there. I said, can do, boss. And I went out there and brought out Travis Tritt.

[Allison Rosen]

Sharp as a tack till the end. Clark had had previous health difficulties. He suffered a stroke In December of 2004, just months after announcing he had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. The that stroke forced Clark to cut back on his on camera work, including giving up hosting Dick Clark's new year's Rockin Eve specials. He returned as a co host with Ryan Seacrest on December 31, 2005. Clark had a son, Richard Augustus ii with first wife Barbara Mallory, and two children, Duane and Cindy, with second wife Loretta Martin. He married Kerry Wigton in 1977.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't figure out my feelings about Dick Clark. Like on one hand, I want to hate him. But then you think to yourself, why do you hate Dick Clark? And you realize, well, he did a ton of shows. There was this thing where it was clearly time to step aside. And I can't figure out whether it's heroic or narcissistic to continue doing something that you can't really do anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

He said that he got a lot of pressure from stroke groups in the community to continue doing it because it gave hope to a lot of people. Even though he was having trouble speaking.

[Adam Carolla]

How much pressure can they really provide? Like, I'm gonna come down in my specially outfitted van and give you a piece of what's left of my mind. You know what I mean? I don't feel like you can get a lot. I don't feel like you can be bum rushed by stroke groups, do you?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's not gonna be deafening Samoans.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's a group. You don't want to piss that group off. But stroke groups, I feel like they wouldn't even know exactly what was going on.

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be a lot of innuendo.

[Adam Carolla]

Kirk Douglas is gonna come over there and fucking beat the shit out of you next time he sees you over at Spago. What are we talking about here? No, I think that's him.

[Allison Rosen]

Kevin Hepburn.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's him and his ego, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it does.

[Adam Carolla]

The problem is he called it Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So that can never be Carson Daly's New Year's Rockin eve or Ryan Seacrest.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's very Tyler Perry in of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it was. As I've said many times, you knew him as the world's oldest teenager. I knew him as the world's widest. Tyler Perry.

[Allison Rosen]

Ted Nugent.

[Brian Bishop]

Tyler Perry with the world.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why Tyler Perry?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to talk about Ted Nugent in a second, but did you ever watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I'm one of these guys that feels like he didn't really have anything to offer. Like he just got in early and often and he was kind of a mic stand and he passed it back and forth and there's something to hosting and maybe Seacrest has torn a page out of his pamphlet of nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

He says he has. He's quoted all over the place for.

[Adam Carolla]

He's one of these guys. Anybody who's made it, I give credit to, to some degree because they've made it. Might be a band that you don't like, but they made it. Might be a host or comedian, an actor you don't like, but give them credit for it. Wasn't like Dick Clark Sr. Hosted New Year's Rockin Eve circa 1935 and then passed the torch along to his son. Dick Clark made it. He made it on his own. But that's probably where the praise stops because. And then I don't think anything he made was worth a shit. I give him full credit for making it, but not for making anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think he's the douchiest douche who ever douched? Oh, no, that's you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's me. What other?

[Kevin Nealon]

What other?

[Adam Carolla]

Carolla is the douchiest douche that ever douched. What? What other? I know that ever. There's a million, you know, like, you know, it's like he would host those, you know, blunders, foul ups and fuck up shows and you know, where they show clips and then him and Ed McMahon tell some bad pun related joke like there was no art to it. And I don't mean art, but you know what I'm saying? Like he wanted to be in front of camera.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like he was milquetoast enough that no one hated him enough to want to change the channel. Really.

[Adam Carolla]

He basically, this is a stirring tribute. He wasted most of our lives, essentially. That's the way I look at it. He didn't bring anything to the.

[Allison Rosen]

He will be missed.

[Brian Bishop]

God bless. Rest in peace.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think he's going to be missed. That's the whole thing. Like there's no, like, oh, there's a hole left in my heart that's in the shape of Dick Clark. And it could never Be filled again because I don't feel like there's anything missing from him.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have a dick hole in my heart.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have a dick hole?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Jesus, not in my heart.

[Adam Carolla]

The day is young, baby. Okay, what other projects were Dick Clark production.

[Brian Bishop]

He produced the pyramid.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, $25,000 pyramid.

[Adam Carolla]

He gets credit for being a self made man and liking money. Okay. And being successful and paying a lot in taxes. You know, let's lets not forget for a second when these guys go Dick Clark. By the time the dust settled on what he paid, Uncle Sam could have paid in several hundred million dollars.

[Brian Bishop]

We got a name middle school after him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. At least a bridge overpass, something like that. Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Ted Nugent will receive a visit from the Secret Service soon. They plan to interview him over some comments he made about Obama at an NRA conference.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, soon as we roll off of these whores, these Panamanian whores, Colombian whores, like there's a huge difference. As soon as we're done, Ted, as soon as we're done with these Colombian whores, we're gonna come over there and give you some fucking tongue lashing. Like you're so lucky. We're balls deep in Colombian whores right now. You're so lucky that the main dude.

[Allison Rosen]

You better hope we don't find $47.

[Adam Carolla]

If our main dude was not out in the hallway. This Ramada and Bogo Ratan. I think I made that up. Bogota. And he's. I think I made up the world's worst resort.

[Allison Rosen]

Bogo Rattan.

[Adam Carolla]

Bogo Rattan and Bogotan.

[Allison Rosen]

All the hookers are 95 arguing with.

[Adam Carolla]

The head whore about the $47. We would be in Montana and up your ass right about now. You better.

[Allison Rosen]

That's exactly what they said. So what he said specifically that raised their ire or that got their attention? If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. He added that his listeners. If his listeners can't quote clean house in this vile, evil, America hating administration. I don't even know what you're made of.

[Adam Carolla]

Clean house.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What's he saying? Spokesman Brian Leary said, we recognize people's rights of free speech, but we also have a responsibility and a duty to determine their intent. On Wednesday, Ted Nugent told Glenn Beck, the bottom line is I've never threatened anybody's life in my life. I don't waste breath threatening to me. That's threatening to say that.

[Adam Carolla]

But oh, you mean like I get it done? Like I don't threaten elk with my crossbow, I kill elk with my crossbow? Is that what he's saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. To me it sounds that way. I don't know that that is what he's saying. He continued, I just conduct myself as a dedicated we the people activist because I've saluted too many flag draped coffins to not appreciate where the freedom comes from. On a different radio show on Tuesday, Nugent stood by his comments to the NRA and again denied making a threat. On the Dana Loesch radio show, he said, I will stand by my speech. It was 100% positive. It's about we the people taking back our American dream from the corrupt monsters in the federal government under this administration and the communist czars that Obama has appointed to. Nugent added that he is like, quote, a black Jew at a Nazi Klan rally. Do they have those? Wow, it's like a super Klan rally.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You wanna a Nazi slash Klan rally. Oh, I mean, that's like two rallies.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a full year fun pass. I just got the whole it became cheaper just to get the fund pass.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Now you still pay for parking though, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's included.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I can pull my horse into a handicap stall.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. I gotta get me one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

I can get you in.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's carpool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, by the way, if you do sign up, tell them where. You tell me. Got it from me. That'll help, right? Okay. So the great news about Ted Nugent is he's getting older. And you only get crazier when you get older because you care less. It's not one of those things where you actually get crazier. It's sort of like your last couple days of high school.

[Allison Rosen]

You just censor yourself less.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, remember your attitude the last, you know, like, you know, high school.

[Brian Bishop]

So Ted News has senioritis.

[Adam Carolla]

His senioritis. He. No, but you know that feeling of you've lost. You finished your last final and there's still like four more days of school before graduation. And you're kind of wandering around in flip flops, but you're not really going to class too much. And you're not. You're kind of. And if somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're like, just wait till a teacher says anything to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And if some counselor or something like yelled at you down the hall until you get by, you'd be like, like, I'm just, I'm going Home. Like, you wouldn't take any shit. That's what happens when you get older, because the ultimate trump card is dying. Like, what are you gonna do, lock up my corpse? What, are you gonna arrest my corpse?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

What, are you gonna sue my corpse? Like, I'm gonna be dead soon. So Ted, as you know, as you notice, is getting slowly and slow. He's getting crazier. I think it's all like. I think it's the elk jerky.

[Allison Rosen]

There's something about slowly eat away at the last sanity you have.

[Adam Carolla]

He's eating too much venison.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all that game.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all that wild game. Yeah. It's making his brain crazy. He's getting crazier and crazier. And this is just the beginning. This is where it begins. I think ted Nugent is 60 years old. 58, 59. 60 years old. Wait till he's 75, 80. This is gonna kick it over.

[Allison Rosen]

Hair coming out of his ears and his nose, and he'll be batshit insane.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be awesome. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what do you make, though, of the Secret Service having to visit someone who makes vaguely threatening comments? Because as much as I think his comments are ridiculous, I don't actually think he's a threat.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there's a whole bunch of procedural shit that's just a big waste of taxpayers money. And it's the same. That's the difference between all of us taking our shoes and belts and hats off at the airport and emptying out the toiletry bag. Do you think that's important? No. Do you do it? Do we all just do it? Is it understood? Do we do it? As I said, we have to have our sexual harassment meetings. We have to have our diversity meetings. We have to go visit Ted Nugent. They have to go say, we're gonna go visit Ted Nugent. Otherwise they're not doing their job. It's all about saying. It's really. It's one big Celebrity Apprentice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I got shitcanned from Celebrity Apprentice, but I could have not been shit canned by Celebrity Apprentice. And one of the things I did, when I got up to do my thing and they told me, you have to do your Steve Jobs business, I said, good, but I'm not going up there without Michael Andretti. Because if I go up there without Michael Andretti, they're going to shit can me. And they're going to say, why didn't you have Michael Andretti with you up on stage? So I said, when we do Q and A, Michael Andretti is going to be up on stage with me, and I'm going to go up and talk for three minutes. Three minutes. And then I'm bringing Michael Andretti because I knew they would chip cam me. So I knew Michael Andretti wasn't going to add anything to the party or the mix. And evidently he didn't, and Trump didn't think he did. But I had him up on stage with me, knowing I was now covered. And if I wanted to toss Michael under the bus, I could have done it. Because we're sitting in the boardroom and they were like, michael, you're weak. Michael, you didn't talk. They weren't impressed. They wanted you to step up and do the challenge. You didn't. I went to Wharton, by the way, so believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Wharton. Wharton. Wharton. Wharton. Wharton.

[David Wilde]

Wharton.

[Adam Carolla]

Wharton. Wharton. Wharton Business School of Business. Impressive. Wharton. Now class. Wharton. Wharton. Classy. Classy. Ivanka. Wharton. Okay, now I've made my point. But the point is, I could have said, you know what? I brought him up on stage. The guy's a fucking mutant bore. They all love me. Nobody loved him. Mr. Trump, this the man you should fire. And he would have happily fired Michael Andretti. So we need. We have a version of this in our society, which is, look, if Barack Obama is killed by a nut job with a crossbow and it turns out you guys didn't go talk to Ted Nugent, then somebody's fucked that same thing of, like, sign the release. Once you tampering with, disabling, or destroying the smoke detector, you can go smoke in the bathroom. You're going to get in trouble. I would get in trouble if I didn't say anything beforehand.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So everything, or at least half of our society has turned into, how do you cover your ass? Lawyers fucking everything up. I brought with me a huge, ugly yellow sticker that I will show you guys. We'll take a picture, we'll put it up on AdamCarolla.com I have a space heater in my bathroom that's the size of a small toaster, but there's a sticker on it that's ugly and cardboard and yellow, and it's as big as the fucking space heater with a laundry list of shit not to do with the space heater. That probably includes not throwing it in a tub that you're in with an infant and not lubing it up and ramming it up your ass and not turning it off, probably.

[Allison Rosen]

Not sticking forks into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Not sticking forks into it. Not dousing it with after aftershave and putting throwing curtains that are already on fire on top of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Not using it to dry your clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's a whole long list with do not remove tag at the very bottom of it. This thing probably more flammable than anything else in the bathroom. Ironically, I don't like big fucking yellow ugly warning tags on things in my car, in my home. I think they're aesthetically shitty looking and I like things that are aesthetically pleasing. Now, do they want to put this tag on the space heater? No. Does it cost them an extra 20 cents that they pass along to us? Yes. Do they give a fuck what it looks like? No. Some lawyer told them to do it and then they told them to put down a whole bunch of always unplug heater when not in use. Now, do you know anybody who leaves their bathroom and unplugs their space heater and then plugs it back in the following morning or the following evening when they take a shower? No, of course, I just grabbed a random one. Always unplug heater when not in use. Well, nobody unplugs their heater when not in use. But if the house burns down, these cocksuckers get to say, hey, if you go sift through the ashes, some of the ashes you'll find are warning sticker that said he should have unplugged it with when not in use. Well, of course, nobody does that. So what do we do? We, we're living. We're creating a land full of fucking zombies. And what they don't realize is now this doesn't make sense to anybody. You see, there could be a message sent, but there can't be 50 messages sent a thousand times a day. Yeah. So what do you do? You look at the fucking warning thing and you go, okay. And then halfway into the tampering with disabling, you've tuned the cunt out completely. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If they wanted you to listen to those fucking safety warnings, and you probably should, they could cut them down 80% and you'd absorb it. Otherwise she just starts talking and you just turn up your ipod.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you have a battle with that label? Yes, because it looks shredded and like there was anger involved in taking it.

[Adam Carolla]

Off the cord or whatever it was wrapped around the cord and it now, of course, it will forever be remembered by its sticky ghost that sits on the cord that will just collect pubes for the rest of. As I unplug it every, every day before I go to bed at night, because we all know how that works. That's how I am with the toaster, the oven, the alarm clock. I fucking unplug everything before I go to bed.

[Allison Rosen]

I just turn off my circuit box.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweetie. Yeah. Go hit the main breaker. Go hit the main breaker. You know what? I know this sounds weird. Unplug the smoke detector. I don't trust it. So there you go. One big, long regulation. Yeah, that's right. All right, so they'll have to go visit him. So they can say they went and visited him. And it'll cost us, what, I don't know, several hundred thousand dollars, $75,000. I don't know what it costs to send three guys in a suit with earpieces and reflective sunglasses on a jet over to wherever his bunker is in Montana. Talk to him for 20 minutes about nothing. Get him to sign something. That will be something that the same assholes that drafted up this fucking retarded stick are drafted up. And then they'll leave. And somewhere at some point, we'll pay for it. That'll be that. And no one will say anything. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

The Bachelor and the bachelorette are being sued for being too white.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Two football players who tried out for the show and didn't make it, Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson, filed a class action lawsuit Wednesday in federal court in Nashville against the shows for racial discrimination. According to the suit, quote, over the course of 23 seasons, not one time has the show's eclectic mix ever included a bachelor or bachelorette who was a person of color. They're seeking damages and fees and also ask that an injunction be issued requiring the defendants to consider persons of color as finalists for the roles of bachelor and bachelorette. Claybrooks says his interview lasted for a much shorter time than the interviews with white applicants who went before him, and he felt that he was being rushed through the process and was not given the same opportunities his white counterparts. Claybrooks currently plays for the minor league Nashville Storm. Johnson was a wide receiver at Tennessee State and says he is preparing to try out for the NFL.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe it's just their 40 time that sped up the procedure. You know what I mean? They had the moves, they had the hops.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, a couple sad realizations. Season 23.

[Allison Rosen]

23, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Police Squad lasted one season. One season. One season.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, quality is quality, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, listen, I agree that why not have a black bachelor? I mean, it doesn't need to be these two, but certainly could have a brother in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You think they do it just to stir things up a little bit, actually.

[Allison Rosen]

And this. I don't know if I've just become really cynical, but there is part of me that thought, is this whole thing leading up to an announcement of a new spinoff, the Bachelorette?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple things, as I've said, nobody talks about the fact that if you are not the Bachelor, but if you are, or the Blachelorette, if you are just a contestant, that you get at least one free pass, you'll make the first cut. You'll make the first round no matter what. They cannot get rid of the black person because it just seems racist. Cannot do that. So at least they got that going for them. You can do whatever you want. You can try to stab the guy with a pen on the first date. It doesn't matter. You'll make the first round.

[Brian Bishop]

Going around two.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to round two because nobody wants to look like a racist and cut them in the first round.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But if you find an offshore casino taking action on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your best bet.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your best bet.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your bet for the year.

[Adam Carolla]

You always bet on black, like Wesley Snipe said. And number two, what if they had the black bachelor and then, you know, a couple of hot blonde chicks floating around there? That would stir things up. Right. Wouldn't that kind of get things going? And it would add a whole new thing, like when it got time to go home and meet Daddy.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Ooh, I like this idea.

[Adam Carolla]

And you heard those little kind of catchphrases, those little telling phrases where it's like, she'd be doing her confessional, and she'd be like, well, Dad's not. He's not racist, but he is set in his ways. And he'd go, oh, this is gonna be good.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, all the other guys I've brought home have just been, well, similar, more traditional.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. He's just.

[Allison Rosen]

He's. He's never. My dad's not really comfortable with people from the city.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Urban areas.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it'd be good.

[Brian Bishop]

You'd have, like. You'd honestly have, like, stations in the south, like, affiliates probably refusing to carry the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

There would be an uproar.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be good.

[Brian Bishop]

Not uproar, but a controversy.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be good for. It'd be good for.

[Brian Bishop]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

For everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

We need to start a dialogue, and eventually, this could open some doors. And who knows? We could have our first black President.

[Allison Rosen]

That'll never happen. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zipit, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Neal, in here. Yeah. Love kneeling. Uh oh. Sneak up on you. Funny, quietly funny.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my favorite kind of funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Other people assault you with comedy. He's a comedy pickpocket, right?

[Allison Rosen]

He's not. He's not a belch of comedy in your face.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You don't know. You don't know your funny wallet is missing until you get home.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and you're laughing, though. And poor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. He didn't even know he's funny. He's so funny. That's the kind of. Just quietly. He's a ninja of comedy. Sneak in, take you out with piano wire. No one will hear you scream. Hey, you want to save some money? You like going out, Paul? Brian, you like going out?

[Brian Bishop]

I don't like saving money. I do both.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you are one. I mean, you're one of these guys who, like, you're a dandy. You want to eat your weight and you're dandy. You want to eat your weight in sushi, but you don't want to have Neyland to pick your pocket. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I'm doing on Saturday? Going to underground bacon dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Like a supper club?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you sure that's not gay code?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I was invited. Alone?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Leave the missus at home.

[Brian Bishop]

I was told explicitly to leave the missus at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and bring a carpet swatch so your niece will get caught. How did you know? You've invited the same club. I've been to the underground bacon dinners before. What the. How does that work?

[Brian Bishop]

It's. Chrissy's on the main list for this, but Chef who does like underground pop up dinners, and she promoted it on her blog, and we got a couple of free passes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

So, yes, I like to go out and I like to save money. Bringing it back.

[Adam Carolla]

Score big. Scorebig.com Save up to 60%. From the bleachers to the front row and beyond. Hey, you got enough money, they'll put you in the game.

[Brian Bishop]

Flip the coin.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be platooning, but you'll be in. Sure. After four innings, you'll be out in right field coaching first. Oz, Ian will yell at you. Get out there. I love Fidel Castro now. Get out there. Yep. We have our winner, by the way. So you pick your. You go online, you go to scorebig.com, you pick your game, you Pick your event.

[Brian Bishop]

Whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever it is. You pick the venue, you pick the band, you pick the event, you pick whatever local you for us, you know, Lakers, Clippers, whatever. And you go, here's the seats I want. Here's how much I have. And then they tell you. And no ups, no extras, no nothing.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the worst part about. Usually all this stuff is the fees and everything, but no fees.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We have Matt Schreyer, by the way, from Boston, won seats for. Are you sitting down? Celtics versus the Heat. They would have cost over 200 bucks at the box office, but he got it for 50% below retail.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's win, win. Score big. And what you need to do is click on the radio button and enter the code Adam so they know where you heard it. Always pay less than full price. Never pay any fees. Score big dot com. Let them know Adam sent you. All right, quick break. Back with Kevin Nealon next. Yeah, back with the great Kevin Nealon. Loving me some Kevin Nealon. Good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Neal. And by the way, we're going to be doing this ALS benefit together coming up. I think that's Wednesday, May 2nd. That's John Lovitz podcast theater. Universal CityWalk, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman. Ooh, ooh. Todd Glass, Jeff Ross, Patton Oswalt. People like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it called the podcast theater now?

[Adam Carolla]

It is now. They've changed their name.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why is that?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they realize that's where the business is. That's where the money is.

[Kevin Nealon]

You mean there's other people besides you that do a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they exist. They're out there. But I'm glad you only have podcast. Eyes for moi. That's Mexican for me, buddy. Neyland. An interesting story.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah, it is an interesting story.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear your story. I want to hear your story because you're almost an unlikely comedian, comedic actor.

[Kevin Nealon]

I believe that. I believe that to be true. I've always believed that. That I was unlikely. I was hearing somebody way over here on the radio, they were saying something about, be careful about what you wish for. And I thought, that's me. Be careful what you wish for, because I got what I wished for. I've arrived. I don't have to be a huge star, but I'm making money.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're happy I'm paying the bills. I'm happy. I can go places without being pestered. And I got what I wished for.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, where did that start?

[Kevin Nealon]

It started in high school.

[Adam Carolla]

And you Were jock in high school?

[Kevin Nealon]

Not really. I was a neighborhood jock.

[Adam Carolla]

You played quarterback in college, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I played one season, but I was a sandlot. Everything I did in high school time was in my neighborhood because I went to a couple different high schools.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, because we moved a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

What did your dad do?

[Kevin Nealon]

My dad worked for Sikorsky helicopters.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right, Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

So we lived in Germany for a while and we lived, you know, in.

[Adam Carolla]

Different parts of Sikorsky, invented the helicopter. And people don't really realize that the helicopter. It was weird because we had sort of jet airplanes before we really figured out helicopters. Like that was a taller order.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you can't say Leonardo DiCaprio was it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, DiCaprio, yeah, Da Vinci kind.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of invented the helicopter.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, here's the thing about da Vinci, this whole thing where you just spout out, you know, I'll go on record as saying, so I can get credit one day. Yeah, there should be some sort of teleportation. Teleportation hole that gets you from LA to Miami in less than five seconds. So. By the way, when the guy does invent it 100 years from now. That was Corolla.

[Allison Rosen]

That's your Corolla?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He invented the parachute, he invented the helicopter, he invented all this shit. Except for he never invented it. He never, he never built a helicopter. He was like, should be one.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was the guy who had an area of comedy, but he didn't have the joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna keep going. There should be a bridge from here to Europe with a high speed train on it so we don't have to get in airplanes. And when I see high speed train, I mean several thousand miles an hour, so that I can be in France like the following morning if I decide to head out. Good, then I'll just forever. And then everyone will go, oh, no, that was Corolla. That was Corolla. He didn't do any work.

[Kevin Nealon]

You better write that down.

[Adam Carolla]

He just talked about it. He just put it in the Corolla sketch.

[Allison Rosen]

Old Corolla's.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a number two pencil and a cocktail napkin so I can get fucking credit for the bridge. The bridge that goes to Europe.

[Kevin Nealon]

Be funny if he did do all the sketches on cocktail napkins or a legal pad, you know. Wait a minute, are you sure this is Leonardo da Vinci? This is an Etch A Sketch.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, Leonardo is the one that said there should be some sort of magical bird that picks people straight up in the air and then goes away. But he didn't do the. He didn't do the actual leg.

[Kevin Nealon]

But Igor Sikorsky really did the groundwork and. And built the helicopter in Long Island.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, that was really first put into use in Korea, pretty much. I mean, well, World War II, there weren't helicopters pulling too many people out of trouble.

[Kevin Nealon]

You didn't see them much. I think in Vietnam, you really heard the first of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Korea. And Vietnam is when they. Korea first, and then Vietnam is where they really kicked in.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the Civil War.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it goes without saying.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So what did your dad do for Sikorsky?

[Kevin Nealon]

My father, he went to school to be an aeronautical engineer. So he was a great engineer. And he became a program manager there and an executive at Sikorsky's. And so they had a contract with the German outfit, as he calls it, German outfit, which I think of as lederhosen. They say German outfit. And so we lived over in Heidelberg, Germany, for four years, and he helped build helicopters for the army over there, for the American Army. So we moved around a lot. And so I went to a couple different schools, and I always wanted to play football. So I had a friend of mine who discovered a great way to play for the nearby college, Fairfield University. So we had both played a lot of sandlot football in high school and growing up, and he played on a high school football team. And I was. I always wanted to be a quarterback because I had a pretty good arm. Still do. I could play today.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no doubt. But you never played high school ball just because you moved around too much.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. But we played tougher games. We had sandlot. We played gangs that lived across the city from us, and we had no refs. We had the equipment, and it got pretty brutal.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

So we took a night course at Fairfield University in criminology, and that entitled us, qualified us to play football. And we went out for the team, and we both made it. And their quarterback, starting quarterback, got hurt. So I came in, like, a couple games after the start of the season and played the rest of the season and just had a blast. And then I guess a couple of players kind of got a little jealous that they weren't playing much when they found out that we were only taking a night course. And they thought I was, like 26 years old, even though I looked like I was 15.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And so the school kind of revamped the policy. You can't.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And then how did that lead. What's the. The path to SNL from there?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I figured That I would get into stand up comedy and my hook would be a punter or a kicker for the. For the usfl at the time the United States Football League in Los Angeles. So that was going to be my hook as a comic. I was also a kicker, so I had to try out for the. For the team. I was doing open mic nights and I was practicing kicking field goals at Fairfax High School.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Out here. Fairfax.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I bought eight NFL USFL footballs, which are a little bit lighter than NFL.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And soccer style.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Geez. I could have been snapping for you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I played soccer for three years in college.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we could have been quite a team.

[Kevin Nealon]

I could have been great.

[Adam Carolla]

So you were kicking and what were you good for?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was good for about. Well, I could throw the ball about 70 yards, if I remember correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that was.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like that guy from Napoleon Dynamite.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Uncle Rico.

[Adam Carolla]

Uncle Rico.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I was kicking, I guess it was about 95 yards.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no, I'm thinking going the other way. The other way. Five yards. Five yards. Otherwise, 95 yards behind me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, right, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I can't remember how far, but it was like, I don't know, 40 yards.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you're pretty good. Pretty serious, Pretty consistent about it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was. I remember going. When I first tried out for the team, it was like a movie where they were looking for a kicker.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to try out.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, well, they were trying to try out for a kicker to see who can kick. Who was going to be a kicker. This wasn't a great team, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Tell us how that went. Like you went down. I've done that with somebody with an Arena League team.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I went down there with. I don't know if you know Steven Green, but he's always hanging around Kimmels. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

The guy with a hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's too short for you. You don't know him, but so, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you get on the team and they give you a uniform and then they start.

[Adam Carolla]

You made the team.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. They pretty much take whoever comes out there.

[Adam Carolla]

So whether you play or not made a USFL team.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no, no, no. I thought you're talking about the hot college now.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know.

[Kevin Nealon]

It never even got to that point because my comedy started taking off before the football tryouts. So thank God I had a comedy career and I didn't need a hook that I was a kicker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, when you say hook, but like a fallback. That was like your. I mean, would you work that into your comedy?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. It would be something to write about. Like, journalists are always thinking, what can we write about? What can we say? Oh, you're also the kicker or punter. I was going to go out as a punter for the college.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so you punted.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, yeah, I had a good hang time. 30 minutes. 30 minute hang time.

[Adam Carolla]

That is unbelievable.

[Kevin Nealon]

People could go home and have, you know, have dinner and come back and the ball would come down.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. Guy was for like five, five and a half seconds. Reggie Roby, maybe six. But you're saying 30 minutes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but here's the problem. It just went straight up and came right down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. It never traveled forward.

[Kevin Nealon]

Didn't go forward.

[Adam Carolla]

But you'd think the earth's rotation would move it. At least with that distance, that amount of time, you know, you better help me. Going the right way, it would land in Texas or Arizona or something.

[Allison Rosen]

I wouldn't be surprised if it just shot straight up through the earth at you.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, no, the problem is also, I took out a few airliners.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. That kind of like.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. That kind of put a cramp on my style, but. Yeah, so I didn't have to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

So when did I. I went with. I went to do a tryout with Stephen Green for the Avengers or whatever the, you know, the arena football team is.

[Kevin Nealon]

What position was he going out for?

[Adam Carolla]

He was going out for kicker.

[Brian Bishop]

It was your bit for the TLC show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I was doing the snapping and he was doing the kicking.

[Kevin Nealon]

I bet you'd be a good snapper.

[Adam Carolla]

I was a good snapper.

[Kevin Nealon]

My snapper would always do the submarine thing. It was like a grounder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Roll it back for the punting. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I literally. The guy didn't know. The guy was a pretty serious coach who really didn't know either one of us were. And all he knew is we were trying out.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you were trying out, too, as a snapper.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, you know what it was.

[Kevin Nealon]

Does he call it a snapper or are you just making that up?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, gay folk call it hiker. The hiker and chicks. But it was one of those stories whenever you talk to a hot chick and you go, how'd you get into modeling? They always go, I went with my friend to an audition and I was just standing there out in the waiting room, and then somebody came up to me. Although you have to have a hunch that you're good looking if you go with your friend.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is why you don't bring Friends. You don't bring friends to audition.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially hot friends. Because if Kevin. It doesn't work that way. Where Kevin's like, I'm going on audition. You want to come stand around with me? I'd be like, no, I'm cool.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you ever been with somebody that's really good looking and then you catch yourself in the mirror?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's unpleasant. Because I'll tell you what happens if you hang around good looking people long enough. You start to feel like you're kind of them. And then you find a mirror.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was with Duchovny once for Showtime. He was promoting Californication. That was for Weeds. And we're talking, like, before they do the photo session. We're talking in the back room in front of a mirror, talking for like 10 minutes, looking at his face, Looking at his face. And then somehow I turned and I see the mirror and I see me in the mirror and I go, oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're. And there's nothing wrong with it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Very, very good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Very good looking. No. I'll tell you what. Let me tell you what you don't want to do, because it's all relative.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to do Dancing with the Stars and hang out between Jason Taylor and Antonio. What the hell? No, he was like one of those Latin soap stars. Like, oh, with the abs. The crazy Jason. You'll find. You'll find these two guys. Jason Taylor is six six. And except for he's built like. He's. He's. He's built like a gymnast or something. But he's six six. He's like the longest. And he's this mocha color. Like he's the. He's the greatest shade because there's two white and there's two black. But he's got this weird mocha.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what that is?

[Adam Carolla]

Look at. Look. You want to take a look? There's Jason Taylor, by the way, that's what they call that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not mocha. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

He's six. Six.

[Allison Rosen]

Frate.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, it's, you know, it's a. It's a type of person from New Orleans.

[Adam Carolla]

You who? Oh, no, Creole.

[Kevin Nealon]

Creole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But you're not allowed to say mulatto anymore.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Isn't that a flavor of songs?

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna be fine.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're not allowed to say it. You can say no, I didn't get.

[Kevin Nealon]

The note on that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. The point is, this motherfucker is six six and has 3% body. Fat and plays in the NFL. And he's just one of these guys. It's like all teeth, all chin and all arms, you know, I mean, just. And he's taller than shit and his color makes his teeth pop. And he has like green eyes. All right, then the other dude.

[Kevin Nealon]

Green eyes is the thing that does it.

[Adam Carolla]

The other dudes, like, the other was like Antonio del Fuego or something. And he's just standing around with his fucking vest on and no shirt. And you catch yourself standing in between.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Not a good place to stand.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because when you see. You just look like somebody vomited in between these two dudes. But you look at someone else, gotta clean up that mess in between. Oh, that's Corolla.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you look at Brad Pitt like I was seeing a picture of him today.

[Adam Carolla]

Find that other fucking guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

And his father was standing nearby.

[Brian Bishop]

To the guy from Sex and the City.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S easy. You can just go to Dancing with the Stars the year I did it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you could see what Brad Pitt was going to look like as he got older. And you thought, okay, well, Brad Pitt's good looking now, but, you know, maybe when he gets older, he'll look. Not that his father was not good looking, but he would look older and a little heavier.

[Allison Rosen]

And was this in People magazine perchance? Because I saw some family photos of the Pitts and I was like, even as a little kid, Brad Pitt popped off the page.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. So don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you want to join this conversation?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, I just.

[Allison Rosen]

We've moved ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

I was discussing at my team. I think if you go to my season, you'll find a picture of him. That's all, that's all I'm saying. I know I'm not helping by not saying the guy's name.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you on MySpace?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you still keep your MySpace going?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do they still have MySpace?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go with yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this. Yes. Anding like, why are you clear that you don't know what you're talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

So there I was, and Steven was trying out for the Avengers.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they said, look, you have.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're at that point now where you can recall what you were talking about five minutes later. Yeah, Most people can't. They gotta say, what was I talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm obsessed with the fact that we can't find a picture of this guy. I'm obsessed with it.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you're there. You're trying out for the Avengers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not Trying out. He's trying out.

[Kevin Nealon]

I suspect Gary's head injury is affecting his behavior.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just a good looking model friend that's tagged along, except for I'm ugly and.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you are actually a good looking guy. I remember seeing you on one of your TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a picture of this dude and we'll find a picture of him that wears shirts off or whatever. And you'll realize, I mean, this guy's fucking good. Don't stand Next. And he's 6:3, so don't stand in between Jason Taylor and that cat.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you ever had a six? Have you ever had a washboard stomach six pack?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You have?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I used to be a boxing trainer. There's a picture of me somewhere.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're like, never the actual guy though. You're always like the guy going with somebody. You're the snapper or the trainer.

[Adam Carolla]

I was the friend of one of the boxing trainers and that's why I got the light heavyweight title.

[Kevin Nealon]

You would be a sidekick of some like, superhero.

[Adam Carolla]

I was literally a sidekick. The guy was a kicker. And I stood next to him and we went out and I did all the snapping and he did all the kicking. And the guy from the Avengers said, look, if you make 3 out of 5 from here and then 3 out of 5 from this hash mark and 3 out of 5 from this hash mark, we'll put you on the team.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you don't, see you later. And I was snapping and I was just fucking around with the guy. And he said, you know, we don't have anyone who can snap the shotgun, so we don't run the shotgun. And I said, I can snap the shotgun. And he said, really? And I said, yeah. So he stood back about six yards and I said, are you right handed? And he said, why? And I said, I'll put the ball on your right hand so you can throw it. And he said, really? And I said, yeah. And how do you want the laces? You want them out or you want them in? And he was like, get the fuck out of here. And then I snapped the best snap I've ever snapped in my life, which shot right into his right hand, which was by his right ear with the laces.

[Kevin Nealon]

Was that lucky?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm good at it, but that was still luck. And I hit him right in the hand and he went, holy shit. And then he literally said to me, would you like to snap on this team? And I said, do you have the no can rule meaning not canning the center on like punts, extra points, or whatever they have in the usfl. And they go. Or the Arena League. And they said, no, we don't have that rule. And I said, nah, I'm not doing it. Because they'll break your neck. Because your head will be between your legs and they'll fucking drive you into the ground.

[Kevin Nealon]

They'll put a bounty out on you. Yeah, a Canadian bounty.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're worth much money.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hey, did you ever throw a ball in. Did you ever throw a ball in for a first pitch at a baseball game?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Fuck that up every time you. Do you want to know why I've realized that? I don't know. Tell me your story and then I'll tell you why they set you up for failure.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm doing exactly what my wife does to me. She'll ask me a question, like, what bothers you about me? And then I know that she wants me to ask her that same question.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me your story and tell you why you're up for failure.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did it a few times. One was for the Yankees versus the Kansas City Orioles.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the other one was for Chicago, The White Sox vs. The Cubs opening again. So I haven't thrown a hard ball.

[Adam Carolla]

In a while, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I was doing a gig in Chicago, and I figured that morning I'll go out to a park and find somebody throwing a ball around. So all I found was a father with his six year old throwing a ball in the baseball park. And I said to the guy, do you mind if I throw a couple of balls to you? I'm throwing the first pitch in at Wrigley Field. And he. He thought I was crazy at first. Sure. You know, he didn't know who I was. And he finally said, okay, and his son's sitting down, but I. And I threw like four. And then I felt bad that the kid was sitting off to the side, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But. But I felt good enough. But I think the guy thought maybe I was looking for a father figure that I never had.

[Allison Rosen]

That'd be a great way to do that.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But that's all I needed, and I'm glad I did that because I had a good pitch. I threw a little bit high because I wanted to put it in the dirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what I did. But I kept calling off the catcher. Every time he brushing him off. I said, no, no, no, no, no. And then he got up and started walking toward me, shaking it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I said, okay, okay, I'll do it. I'll do the Next one.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a. Here's me. Here's me bouncing one at Dodger Stadium. That's a good one, though. Yeah. The problem is. The problem is there's a few. Here's why you're set up. Here's why. You're set up for failure.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wanted a challenge. Now I got to throw two more.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, they give you a couple, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You can stop it now. Here's the point. I've seen it enough. Here's my point. You're set up for failure for a few reasons. One, you play softball. You don't play hardball anymore. It's all softball. So you're used to holding that, and now throwing a hard ball is weird in your hand. I played high school baseball, and I was used to throwing a hard ball. But then when you become an adult. Dude, you play softball also.

[Kevin Nealon]

You play high school T ball at all or. No, I. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

T ball in high school. Yeah, they had it. And they had. They had. They had the. You don't get to use your mitt. You don't have a mitt when you're out there. You don't realize. You don't throw a ball without a mitt in your other hand, which is some kind of weird balance thing, but it's still weird.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then thirdly, there's no way anyone could ever do this. I mean, you can do it, but your percentages are very low because you don't warm up. You don't do anything. You just sit out.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's part of the fun, by the way, somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just run out and you try throw it.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's part of the fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of watching the person do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Which you should do. Oh, there's a picture of me as a pee wee. What you should do is probably just stand in front of the mound and not stand on the rubber. I don't know where you stood. I stood on the rubber. That was dumb of me.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, it's not dumb. I think people love to see somebody flub it. It's like with Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gary Delavate.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, people talked about that forever. It was great. But you do get nervous before you go out there. I don't get nervous to do stand up or anything or act. But when I was about to do that, my heart was racing. I was nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing anything in front of 45,000 people or 30,000 people gets the attention.

[Kevin Nealon]

And by the way, nobody really watches anyway, so it doesn't matter.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you get this Opportunity, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T know, they just call you, you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Happen to be in town, and the publicist, you know, for the club, for the team, you have to be in town and nobody else is there.

[Adam Carolla]

So you do it. So what's the road? What's the road to SNL then from stand Up? At this point, I did a lot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of stand up comedy and.

[Adam Carolla]

I was.

[Kevin Nealon]

Living in a home in the house in the Hollywood Hills with a couple other guys, another a writer and then another comic. And then we had an apartment over a garage that Dana Carvey used to rent when he was down from San Francisco. And we became friends from the stand up circuit and we used to run around the Hollywood Reservoir all the time. And Dana got that show in the summer of 86. And I was dating Jan Hooks at the time, who was also up for the show. And I didn't do sketch comedy or characters. I didn't do anything like that. I was a stand up. That's all I wanted to do. And then Dana calls me from Lauren Michael's house and Emma Ganson and says, hey, you'll never guess. I'm at Lauren's house in Long Island. I'm in the back bedroom. Guess who's in the kitchen. I said, oh, Dan Aykroyd and Paul Simon. You're kidding me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he said, yeah, and I think they're looking for another cast member. And so I told them about you. They think, I think they might want to see your tapes. I said, really? Dan Aykroyd's out there and Paul Simon.

[Adam Carolla]

He goes, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So, you know, I sent my tapes in and a couple weeks later he calls. I'm back out of Lauren's house. I'm in the back bedroom. Guess who's out in the kitchen? Chevy Chase and Steve Martin. Kidding me.

[Adam Carolla]

He was in the garage the whole time though, right? Upstairs.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Anyway, I think they like your tapes. I think they're gonna fly in for an audition. And I never thought anything would come of it. And because I'm a stand up, I don't do sketches of characters.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

So they flew me in. And of course, you know, you get on the plane, everybody else on the plane is going in for an audition too. You know, you think maybe you like you and a couple other guys. But no, everybody, even the pilot came out of the cock. But hey, just funny to do you think this will work?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you bring your model friend with it?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I just did some of my standup and some stuff that Dana and I used to do. In the driveway of our house, just kidding around and, you know, was on the Studio 8H. I was in front of a camera, and there Dennis Miller, John Lovitz, Nora Dunn, and Lauren. Everybody was sitting on the bleachers watching me as I did in front of the camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Kevin Nealon]

And no nerves at all, because I knew I would never get it. I was humoring them.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, this is not my forte.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I said, you guys don't want me. It's like whenever I audition for something for television, I'd always tell the casting people, after I read, I would recommend somebody else, you know, who'd be great for this. Because I just didn't think that was my.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, how I fuck with you. I do the same thing. But I say, kevin, Neal. That'd be great for this. Neal.

[Kevin Nealon]

No wonder they would say. They say, that's funny. You should recommend them because Adam Carolla recommended you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You ever say, do you ever been to one of these things where they're looking for Kevin Neal and type? I've had the looking for the Adam Carolla type.

[Allison Rosen]

And they still make you audition?

[Adam Carolla]

No, just where I found out later on that somebody said they read some breakdown or want some audition, and I'm like, oh, I would have done that. They could have had the real Adam Carolla. It'd be like getting a.

[Allison Rosen]

They knew that.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like getting a cover band. Like, if you had, let's take. Let's say, like an Earth, Wind and Fire cover band, play at your kids bar mitzvah for 7,500 bucks. But you could have got Earth, Wind and Fire for six grand. That's basically the same thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

How great is it for, like, a. A lead singer in a cover band to actually get to be the lead singer in the actual band?

[Adam Carolla]

We saw that Wahlberg movie. It Happens.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did it happen that one?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it did happen.

[Kevin Nealon]

It did happen with a couple of.

[Brian Bishop]

Bands in Rockstar and in. Yeah, didn't Journey hire a couple?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Journey. Yeah. Wasn't there an. What's that guy, Asian?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's what I'm thinking of phonetically.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't speak English. Really?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm 90% sure he's saying, like, from.

[Kevin Nealon]

The CD, you know, I went golfing with one of the road managers from Germany and REO Speedwagon, all those bands that tour during the summer, and I said to him, do these guys ever come up and write new songs? And he said, we don't encourage it because people go to see them. They want to hear the old stuff. They don't want to hear new stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be great if you could just tour the country doing the best of Kevin Nealon?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, well, that's pretty much what I do.

[Adam Carolla]

But, I mean, just shit from 20 years ago, like, just never. Just nothing off the new album. Just nothing. You never had to write anything.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you know what? A lot of people wouldn't. Wouldn't have heard it.

[Adam Carolla]

What is. What is the policy for Kevin Nealon?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, it's funny you should ask me that. I just did another Showtime special that'll be out this summer called Whelmed, but Not Overly. And it. I. I did a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

The fact that Allison thinks that's funny means no one else is going to think it's funny. But it's still good.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did it.

[Allison Rosen]

But you have one.

[Adam Carolla]

You have one fan. Massive fan.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna watch it over and over.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did a joke from a long time ago which I thought was really funny. It didn't get its due back then. There's not that many people saw me. And I broke it back out again, and it's getting huge laughs.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of do now, huh?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What kind of dew. Can you give us a little sample of the dew?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, it's basically, I talk about reminiscing and how our voice are. You know, when you reminisce, your voice shoots up. When you talk, you're like. Remember when you were a kid, Right? For some reason, your voice go like eight octops. No matter how tough you are, you know, you could be a guy working in a steel. Hey, Tony, remember about that time we. We. Remember when we beat the hell out of that trucker down in Pittsburgh? Even, like, you know, a foreign language, you could tell when someone's reminiscing or a tribe deep in the jungle.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like.

[Kevin Nealon]

But nobody remembers that. So I did it on that special.

[Adam Carolla]

And what do you do? Because I got this. I'm going. Where are we going? St. Louis. Going back to the pageant theater. Yeah. And I played the pageant theater there, like, nine months ago, year ago, something like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

How many has it seen?

[Adam Carolla]

Thousand, maybe.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the theaters I need.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And then. And then we got. And then. And then we got Minnesota, and then we got Minneapolis or St. Paul. So I'm going back to these places now. Tell me an honor. I'm trying to get an honest.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like, how long has it been since you were there?

[Adam Carolla]

I'D say it's been about 10 months or a year. How much of what I said of the 90 minutes I said a year ago, am I allowed to say this time? Number one. And then in Minnesota, I was in Minneapolis playing a club, and Now I'm in St. Paul playing a theater. So I know they're close by, but how much. How much needs to. How much do we need to change it up?

[Kevin Nealon]

Look how far you've come in the last couple years. I remember we were having a conversation about you going on the road and how that would be. Would people ask you questions from the audience? How would you set it up? And now here you've got a full fledged tour and people follow you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not focus on the positive, though. Let's focus on the negative of me going back in these two towns.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I think you could do. If it's been about a year, I think you could do 90% of what you.

[Adam Carolla]

90%?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I wouldn't do that. I would do all new stuff. But you. I could say 90%.

[Adam Carolla]

Honestly, what percentage?

[Kevin Nealon]

I think if you have about 25% new stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? That's it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

Oh, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell we doing, Mike?

[Kevin Nealon]

But, you know, you have.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not.

[Brian Bishop]

St. Paul. 25% new.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, should you put it at the beginning or sprinkle it throughout? What's the best way to prevent audience anger?

[Kevin Nealon]

You start pouring it in there. When you start seeing them get angry, you throw a new one in there and then go back to the old stuff and then a new one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I usually give the audience this choice. Would you like to hear the stuff from last time that you know, but that worked, or new stuff that'll be fresh, but it's not going to work.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's the thing. I think you get three or four shots at the same material. Because, remember, you're a kid, you were listening to a comedy album and you heard it before, but you wanted to play it for your friend, and you loved playing it for your friend and listening to it again and hearing him like it? Yeah. So I think three or four times. And then you have to start shifting it up because people only have so many friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Okay, I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you also have the experience so that if your friend didn't laugh, then it was very emotionally upsetting?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, totally.

[Adam Carolla]

And then so Kevin here you try out for SNL and characters, and SNL is all about these guys with these rubber faces who do all these different voices and all this kind of stuff, and you're Doing your thing. How surprised were you when you got the call from Dana Carvey from Lorne Michael's garage or Lorne Michael's back bedroom that you're in?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I didn't find out I was in from there. I just heard that they liked my tape and wanted they would probably fly me in for an audition. So about a week later, Lorne Michaels flies out to Los Angeles and has a meeting with me at Brad Gray's office at Billstein and offers me a job as a feature player.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he talks for about an hour about Saturday Night Live. I'm listening, listening. Then he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Brad says to me, you know, I think we should tell him we should think about it over the weekend. We got to get a writer's credit too, because you can't live in New York on just a feature player. And so it was almost like I felt like it was a scam because he leaves, gives us time to talk about it, comes back. And also, Brad Gray was also managing Lorne Michaels too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, interesting.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I was very naive and young.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I like Brad. And he helped me out and negotiate and all that. So Lauren comes back in and he goes, well, what do you think? And I said, you know what, let me think about it over the weekend. And he said, all right, you think about it over the weekend. We'll see in New York on Monday.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you don't do impersonations, and I like that joke too. All right, we have some phone calls lined up, by the way, live show, a night of comedy. By the way, that's May 2nd. We talked about that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's gonna be a good night, man. You got Sarah Silverman there.

[Adam Carolla]

You got some top notch comedians over.

[Brian Bishop]

There, by the way, organized by the same lady who organized my benefits, Deborah Barge.

[Adam Carolla]

Deborah Barge. Greatest Weeds season premiere Sunday, July 1 at 10pm on Showtime and website. Kevin Nealon. All right, we got news. We got a couple of phone calls.

[Kevin Nealon]

You got your Twitter. Kevin Nealon.

[Adam Carolla]

I was about to toss that, but I've done it. Yeah, let's see. Someone wants some career advice. I feel like we're just the guys who do it. Justin. Hey, how you doing? What's going on, Justin? Not much. Ace, what's going on? Get it on. Get it on. You know, my advice would be to sign up for go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can't afford not to have this working for you anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Good career advice.

[Adam Carolla]

Connect directly to your office. Do you have an Office, Justin. Yes, sir. You got an office. Do you have a Mac or you have a Mac or PC? Both. You both. See, this is. Yes. And iPhone or BlackBerry. And that's why I need double my PC. That's right, your laptop, your iPad, your iPhone, Android tablet. Turn it right into your office computer. You can try it for free.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I'm sorry, you're doing it for free.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, that's the beauty of me. You don't know. You don't know what I'm doing, do you? You don't know it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Those Androids are really. I'm really interested in them. They got a big screen. Oh yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The tablet. Yeah. You can try go to my PC on your Android tablet for 45 days.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now I'm part of the commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

You're embedded into the commercial. Yeah. This is like Tron, except for boring. Yeah. Go to my PC free. 45 day trial only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit, go to my PC, click on the try it free button and remember, use the promo code Adam. So, Justin, hey, your question is what? Well, I went to your show in Durham and your closing message kind of got me thinking about. I don't really have anything like a major, you know, dream job or anything. I'm kind of like decent to good at like a lot of different things. You went to my show in North Carolina? Yes, sir, when he came to Durham and I believe in January.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you have a closing message?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

It's somewhat motivational and people actually like it. It's not very funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't want to have a spoiler alert in front of it, so I didn't want to go into it. But did you like the fact that I got serious for a moment or 20 minutes? Probably like my favorite part of the show because it was entertaining. Then you draw some knowledge at the end. Yeah. See that you don't be scared like that. They like it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I learned from you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I'm like this guy. I'm not good at anything really. I'm. Someone's always better than me. If I'm golfing, someone's always better. If I take out the guitar, somebody's better than me on the guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

What if you try to hit the golf ball with the guitar, you think there's somebody better.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would be the best.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what I do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you do, Justin? Yes, sir. So you want to. What are you currently doing? Currently have a Desk drone job at an investment bank. Mm. And you'd like to do what? That's the thing. I have no idea. I'm kind of interested in computers. I graduated with a degree in marketing. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Can I give him advice real quick? Real quick, please. Quit your job. Travel. Watch other people. I'm like the bad advice guy. Get into drugs. Expand your mind. See what's out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, blow my mind, Adam. There's a few things. I'll argue both sides of this. We set the bar pretty high. We do a lot of. Every third kid show is about everyone's special. Everyone's here for a reason. You all have a gift. You all have something you do better than anyone else, and that's bullshit. Most people are average at best. That's why it's called average. There is an average. Not everyone's exceptional. Not everyone's here to live their dreams. On the other hand, there is usually something that you enjoy doing, and it really. It could be collecting something, working on something. Whatever it is, there's something you enjoy doing. And we.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is this your closing statement, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not as funny. We live at a time when you really can figure out a way to make a living doing almost anything. I mean, if you go back 100 years, like, look, do you want to be the town doctor? Do you want to be the sheriff? Do you want to be the blacksmith? Or you want to work in a coal mine? Or would you like to be the town whore?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, Town whore.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's what I'm saying. Or you can run the saloon. That's it. That's your gig. I do both now. Now you want to be the whore runs the saloon?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, if it's on the table. I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now we're living in a time when I can get fired from my radio job and go to my warehouse and start my own radio show on the Internet and make a living doing it. You could never do that. We'd all have to take jobs working for somebody. So, Justin, the good news. Well, the bad news is you're not exceptional or gifted. But the good news is you can still make money doing whatever you want to do, because you can figure out a way to get paid to do anything these days. So what is your hobby? That's a good point. Well, I love basketball. Related into sports in general.

[Kevin Nealon]

You should make basketball.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm good at, like, a lot of, like, odd things. Like, things that, like, you couldn't get paid for. Like. Like touching your nose with your tongue. Stuff like that. Right. I get paid to do now basically while banging my head on a keyboard. But what I'm talking about are things like fantasy football and video games and shit that. All right, you know, Justin, you can work for a video game company.

[Brian Bishop]

Fish, football is a billion dollar. Your industry jobs.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's jobs to do that have to do with the computer and fantasy football and there's sports and sports medicine and million different, you know. Yeah, this is easy. That's a layup, as you basketball fans would say.

[Kevin Nealon]

It just seems like a lot of work, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone wants to know if I have a plan for a book tour. Yes, I will be going on tour with my book at some point.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's your book called? I didn't know you had another one coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

It's coming out in. Thank you for asking, in June. Called not Taco Bell material and it's available for pre order.

[Kevin Nealon]

What does that mean, not Taco Bell material? Like not standard comedy. Average comedian material?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not the material material as in. As in comedy material. But not good enough to make the cut at Taco Bell. I know you put everything through the same comedy. The cover's right behind you on the screen there. What happened and what always happens is.

[Kevin Nealon]

How many books do you have now?

[Adam Carolla]

This is my second book, or third if you count Dr. Drew, but I don't count Dr. Drew, since he's dead to me. But they say, give us the title of a book and then you shoot your editor in New York, 500 choices, and they're like, I wasn't crazy about any of them. And then you shoot them another 500 and they go, I just wasn't feeling. And they never like any titles, anything. So eventually you just pull something from the book and it starts to kind of grow on people. And let's face it, you run out of time and you settle.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's true. You're never happy with the title.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the same with marriage and family. It's like one of those things where eventually the biological tactics clock is ticking and it's time to move on with it. And I like it because I grow to like it. Like, I didn't like the title for the first book that much.

[Kevin Nealon]

How long ago did you write the first book?

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote the first book a couple years ago.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, you have a lot of chutzpah to be able to write a second book. I wrote one four years ago, five years ago, and I just don't have the energy to write another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have Mike lynch and Mike lynch does all the hard work.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he does. You just sit and talk and he writes it down, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

By talking mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yell yes. Yes. It. Even if you see the COVID of the book, it. Actually, we wanted to get Mike. Mike's name on the COVID Is that his picture? You have to blow it up. I don't want to give him that much credit. I think it says, as yelled at, Mike Lynch.

[Allison Rosen]

As shouted to.

[Adam Carolla]

As shouted to.

[Kevin Nealon]

You changed almost as much from a little kid to an adult as I did when I was your age. Really? I look totally different.

[Adam Carolla]

Do I?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to be cute when I was a kid, and then puberty set in and kind of cursed me a little bit. You want to do some news? Yeah, I like when you start. Yeah. With a T. Somebody's like. Yeah. It's like you're really into it. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like Tsunami.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so not too long ago, we talked about the Black Bear that was on the loose terrorizing the citizens of. Of Glendale. Well, now Glendale is facing an even greater threat. Kim Kardashian has expressed an interest in running for mayor in Glendale.

[Adam Carolla]

Her nickname is the Black Bear because she's hirsute and she's got it. You know, she's pretty broad in the shoulders.

[Allison Rosen]

You say hirsute like hairsuit.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not Kim Kardashian hairsuit.

[Adam Carolla]

Talking about Khloe. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no, just yes.

[Adam Carolla]

When I say hairsuit, it sounded like here, suit. Yeah, but it should be hair suit.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a hair shoot.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, this is a clip from Chloe Lamar, and here's what she said.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to run for the mayor of Glendale.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to be the mayor of Dallas.

[Adam Carolla]

Mom said you have to, you know, full residency in Glendale. So I'm trying to. This is the Ross Perot Museum, but. So for real. So Noelle's going to head my campaign, but it's going to be in, like, five years. Excuse me, people. You're not letting me over.

[Allison Rosen]

So I.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to buy a house there. You have to have residency there. So I'm going to. Yeah, park right here. So Noelle and I are, like, looking into other.

[Kevin Nealon]

I feel like I'm in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

With them literally gonna have a huge. She's gonna help me with, like. You're the Jesus on the dashboard. Six foot six Jesus, size 15 shoe.

[Allison Rosen]

And the show has reached a new low, but I need a way to.

[Adam Carolla]

Cut, like, five years. Jesus.

[Matt Besser]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Dash cam. That's a show I'd Watch.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so the good news is that Glendale doesn't actually elect its mayor. According to City Clerk R.D. kosakian, the role of mayor is largely ceremonial and rotates annually among Glendale's five City Council members. But if Kim's still interested, Councilman Ara Najarian volunteered to help the reality star become better acquainted with the city's various financial and social issues, and even offered her the title Honorary Chief of Staff.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's running on that Armenian vote because Glendale's like 90. Well, it feels like 110% Armenian, but it turns out it's only 86. And she's going to get the Armenian vote. And I've been. I know how those Glendale City Council meetings go. Like, I've been behind the scenes there. Oh, really? I was a district selectman for Glendale for a while. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why do you like Glendale? You have your place.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just tell you. They gather up.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Usually it's two Tuesdays.

[Brian Bishop]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the second and last Tuesday on each month.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anybody could speak at those, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about the behind the scenes stuff. I'm not talking about the city council stuff. I know, I said that. Where people were crazy guys who have hats with a lot of pins in them, by the way. I don't know what happens. I'm a veteran of the Korean con. Okay, okay, buddy, stop shouting, slouching on the podium. He's crazy. And he's wearing a down vest and.

[Kevin Nealon]

A short sleeve shirt and a knapsack.

[Adam Carolla]

On and a knapsack. And he has the, he has the ball cap with the pins, tons of pins through it. And he never fucking stops talking about gerrymandering and you know what the fuck he's talking about.

[Kevin Nealon]

Scuba tanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy guy, middle of the year, like middle of the day. Like, what the fuck is he doing here?

[Allison Rosen]

Why do those meetings attract crazy people? The one that I was at involved a lot of schizophrenia.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, that's what homeless schizophrenia. People like, they like to be heard. That's why they shout on the street, get podcasts. If they can find a place that has a mic and people listen. They love that.

[Adam Carolla]

It starts off, it always starts. They always start the same way because I see them on the public access stations everywhere. Once in a while it's, the guy's got the mustache, got the gray mustache. He's perpetually 61. He's never 82 and he's never 31. You know, he's like 61. He's got the cap with all the pins in it. He's got the trucker's down vest on, and he starts off with, I proudly serve this country. And then fill in the blank. It's Vietnam, Korean conflict. For whatever he did, he was in the rear with the gear. But he doesn't mention that part, you know what I mean? He talks about, first he lays down his resume about proudly serving this country, blah, blah, blah. And then he starts getting into the thing. And usually the city council people just weather the storm. They weather the crazy storm. There's a hot wind of denture cream and livoris coming at them, you know, and they just sort of sit there for a while and then they, at a certain point, they run out of time and they go, all right, you get three minutes, we're moving on. Yeah, the thing just, just clicks down and then they move on. They never really address their concerns or say anything about it. And no one ever goes, hey, that's a pretty decent point. We never really thought about that. You know what, you bring up a pretty, pretty valid point there. It's always just like, okay, yes, anyway, we share your concerns. We share your concerns. Next. Crazy guy. Should we get the fuck out of here and get to one of those arts? Dally?

[Kevin Nealon]

I did one of those once where you get, I think it's like three minutes or something. You speak at the podium or 90 seconds or something. And I said everything I had to say after like 60 seconds. I ran out of stuff to say, so I would just start recapping, recapping. So I feel this way about that. And I didn't even use up all my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's weird because it's not a conversation. It's a one way, blow hard veteran that's shouting at this sort of multicultural group of eye rollers that don't give a fuck. And then at some point you move on. And that's about, that's about it. At least from what I've seen. I've never seen anyone engage. I've never, never. There's never been anyone who's been up on the city council who went, hold on, what was that last part?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then they listened into your thoughts. Where was this?

[Adam Carolla]

Where was that?

[Kevin Nealon]

They started whispering each other.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm sorry, have you spelled that name? Because that's a goddamn solid idea since you come out. Is that yours? That's a good one. We should.

[Allison Rosen]

That's Corolla's, actually. We got it off a napkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're definitely gonna implement that. That's awesome. Stuff. Yeah, there were that. It's like, okay, sir, your time is up. It's one of these things where I think it's much like Charles Manson just came up before the parole board a couple days ago. It's probably about the same glazed overlook the parole board has.

[Allison Rosen]

When I'm horrible at my job, the.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy with the swastika carvenous forehead sits there with a crazy beard and starts talking about going on a killing spree. If they ever let him out. It's like, okay, all right. Can we get this procedural bullshit over so we can get something to eat? And by the way, most importantly, we can all say we did this like. Oh, we have the city council thing. Yes. What happens? We get crazy people yelling in parkas. We put cotton in our ears and roll our eyes for about four hours and then we all go out and nosh.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great form of government.

[Allison Rosen]

Who were you speaking?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was just gonna say this has nothing to do with that, but would you ever fly in one of those double decker planes?

[Adam Carolla]

The biplanes?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, the all you know, with the windows, two levels.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean like the huge Airbus 780 or whatever it is that's 750 people?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Would you fly in one of those? Would you feel comfortable?

[Adam Carolla]

I would. Why?

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I saw one the other day. It was parked at the terminal. I think it was Australia Airlines. And. Oh, no, I saw one landing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a 380.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I saw one landing. And the wingspan. It look, went over Lincoln Boulevard, over the terminal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it was huge.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a moment where I went to the Paris Air show and the Paris Air show is insane. I mean, there's international munitions dealers and stuff like that. Guys selling like sparrow rockets and shit like that. Like crazy satellites. And then guys doing crazy things in Migs, like doing the Cobra on the MiG where they drag the rear end and do that and it's all. There's a crowd of 200,000 people there.

[Kevin Nealon]

I went to the Paris Air show when I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, sure, yeah. Dad's Mr. Fucking Sikorsky. Yeah. I had to become an adult and pay my own fare like a man. But anyway, I'm not trying to put you down.

[Kevin Nealon]

True or false. I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. In Berlin.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not Junior. I mean, John F. Kennedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, wow. Fucking dad with the speech. So the guy was flying the 380 and it was a stunt pilot flying a plane that's as big as 274-7s and up close. And when that thing's like in the air and the guy. The guy wasn't doing loot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Those are all the people that came out of the plane right there. That's how many fit in there.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's banking it and doing like the low flyover. And you're like, this thing's as big as five apartment buildings and it's going to fall out of the sky. It's weird seeing it something that big.

[Kevin Nealon]

It could take out a state.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And if it's canceled, look at all these people scrambling to find another flight.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that's why they're building a new terminal, LAX, to accommodate.

[Adam Carolla]

It holds like 700 people. So you were. What the fuck were you doing? You were at a city council meeting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, I was at a city council meeting a couple years ago because we were trying to get Billy the Elephant out of the LA Zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Now is that your buddy who you're raising money for?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, that was Joe. Big Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sorry. Anyway, Cher was there.

[Adam Carolla]

I know Big Joe's passed, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, but I'm not sure about Billy.

[Matt Besser]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Cher was there.

[Kevin Nealon]

Cher was there. She spoke before me.

[Allison Rosen]

Star studded meeting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was, but we were outnumbered and we lost the case.

[Adam Carolla]

They wanted the elephant moved. Was it blocking your view or was it.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, there wasn't. The exhibit was not large enough and I think they were putting more elephants.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you start off with Billy the Elephant? Doesn't have a voice, but I do. Like you start with something like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Poetic.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then I used a cloth.

[Adam Carolla]

We actually have footage of you talking.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're kidding me.

[Adam Carolla]

We just have a still picture.

[David Wilde]

It was horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank God it's a still picture.

[Adam Carolla]

I was not prepared. You ran out of steam.

[Kevin Nealon]

I ran out of stuff to say. I kept saying elephants are big, they need a lot of space. They're sentient creatures. They're like family. They look like us. That's where I went off track.

[Adam Carolla]

The Glendale city. The closed door city meeting. Just that I've been in. I've only been in three of them. Is this guy just presides over everyone and he says, let's get out there and rape people with tickets. And that's about it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Rape people with tickets?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And remember, pedestrians are potential rape victims as well. So there's jaywalking, even if you're in the crosswalk. Pulled people over. Let's. There's illegal. You don't have to be speeding to get A ticket. There's illegal tents. There's no front license plate. There's illegal lane changes. Get creative out there, people. And let's really. Let's really get to raping. And they all get a hand in and they'll go rape. And then they all go out and write tickets to everybody. That's how the Glendale ticket works.

[Allison Rosen]

We do have Neyland footage.

[Kevin Nealon]

When you're walking down the street, do you take a ticket from those people that are handing out, like, tickets to, like, strip clubs and stuff? You know, they put them right in front of your face, try to put them in your hand. Like you snap the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

To the right hand.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

You just go. No. You don't even say anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm usually walking to the strip club.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you're on your way anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, why? This is redundant.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, right, yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna save you.

[Kevin Nealon]

It could be 20% off the next visit, though. That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

I should bring it. All right. We have kneeling, by the way.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I am not anti zoo, but I am anti inadequate zoo, and I just want what's best for Billy the Elephant and not what's best for the LA Zoo. And it's. I just, I. I feel that here's.

[Adam Carolla]

Where it breaks down.

[Kevin Nealon]

If an elephant has a choice to go to a. A habitat or a sanctuary, I'm sure that they would take that in one second. From the history that we understand about the LA County Zoo, it's not a great place for elephants. All the elephants have died there since the 1975. Boy, I think you're doing great. So I'm. I'm in favor of moving Billy out of the zoo, as I think everybody should be.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm sorry that somebody.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay. I've learned a lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

I have 20 seconds.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know I'm looking at the clock now. I'm thinking, jesus, how am I going to fill this at this time? Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not anti.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm not anti zoo. I'm anti ad.

[Adam Carolla]

Elephant. Inadequate elephant. I feel like if Billy were here today, Billy would say that he would like more square footage.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you seen the paintings? Have you seen the paintings that elephants do?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. I know. That's horrible. These guys. It's fucking horrible. And it wasn't bad. Except for the middle part where I didn't even listen.

[Kevin Nealon]

I took off the headphones.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think he's appreciated elephant art.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I've seen the elephant art. Do you ever. Do you ever get into this? Because I've gotten into this. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the problem. You go, look, I go out on the road, I do fucking 90 minutes standing on my head. I think I could do 90 seconds in front of some old folks in ropes. And then you get about 40 seconds in, and you're like, fuck, I should have written something down. I've done that.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I don't mind talking to a comedy crowd in a club, but if there's, like, you know, 40 people on the street and I've got to take charge, right? I'm not good at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Thankfully, it only happens, like, twice a.

[Kevin Nealon]

Week whenever there's an earthquake or a disaster. All right, I know you've lost your homes, but I'm not good at this.

[Adam Carolla]

Elephant art. Yeah, where they, like. They spray stuff.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they wrap their trunk around the paintbrush.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

It doesn't look like you, but, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, they get a pretty good elephants, you know? I'll tell you the problem with elephants. Every four years, one of them freaks out and kills an Indian dude or a handler. And it makes the news. Well, same guy. And the problem is the Indian dudes, you know, 120, 130 pounds, is you're shopping in the husky section in India. You know what I'm saying? That's a big Indian dude. You know, they're not big people. And so when the elephant gets at them, elephant makes short work of the Indian trainer dude. Right? So every about five years, an elephant goes on a rampage and beats.

[Kevin Nealon]

Rightfully so.

[Adam Carolla]

Rightfully so, but beats the shit out of it. And then they show it on there, and then it gives a bad name to all the other elephants.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you ever seen the way they wrangle an elephant to get it into its pen? They have these huge, like, bars, like a gate.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know. I've seen the frolics. They ask nicely for them to go into the pen, and then they don't. They don't. That's what I know, Right? What do they do?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, no, it's just a way of steering them in. I'm not an expert on this, but I've been to a couple of animal elephant sanctuaries, and I've seen the. Even at the zoo, you could see these big posts, like a gate. And because they're so strong, I mean, they crush these people. They don't even know it. Probably.

[Adam Carolla]

They should call the. They should call, like, the Weight Watchers meetings. The elephant Sanctuary. Like the guy.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet someone probably does.

[Adam Carolla]

The pissed off husband should be like, now, I can't go bowling Wednesday. I gotta put the misses to the elephant situation.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's your next step? I mean, you do all. You've done the Dancing with the Stars, celebrity Apprentice. Don't tell me what happened because I've only watched the first one. I gotta catch up on it, don't I, Shan? I love the joke, though. The rich white people, kids without iPads.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thanks.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just hit me. Yeah, you took control right there. That's right. You came right out of the gate. You said, I'm gonna take control here. At least get a laugh here and there.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Intimidated by Trump at all. People seem terrified of him on that show.

[Adam Carolla]

I was not. Although I will say you become indoctrinated into the system and you kind of, you know, whenever you watch those game shows or those whatever shows, and the person's crying and holding back the tears and you're sort of sitting at home, what the fuck, dude? Like, why you buy into it in a weird. You don't realize they'll do these studies in colleges. You don't realize it's a game. How long? How short? Rather a period of time it takes you to just sort of buy into. Like you're sitting in the boardroom, you know, and the boardroom is just a bunch of tilt up Luan walls with cameras behind mirrors and, and stuff like that. But it's all bullshit. But then Trump, is it in a studio in Queens. It's in one of his towers.

[Kevin Nealon]

So it's in a room.

[Adam Carolla]

Hotel room. Yeah, it's a room room. It's not like a set room. But you're just sitting there and there's a party that's just going, oh, come on, this is bullshit. And then Trump walks in and you kind of. There's a little party where you get a little adrenaline surge and it's bullshit, but you're in. Do you know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

And do they have a director saying, okay, guys, we need to have a little more.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. They'll just do the thing and Trump will just talk for two hours and the next thing you know, you're just kind of bought into it. I mean, I guess it's like this. You go see the Hunger Games. I know you've seen it four times and you see the Hunger Games. Now there's a. Any movie. You go see the Cabin in the woods or whatever it is. You're sitting there.

[Kevin Nealon]

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You're sitting there. You're in an air conditioned movie theater, and you're sitting there next to your wife and you're eating caramel corn. But whatever you're looking at, it's a screen that's 50ft in front of you. You're buying into it. So your brain has this way of, you know, there you are at the end of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and you're crying your eyes out, or you're Blair Witch or Blair Witch or whatever it is. We have the capacity to get sucked into things even when we're sitting outside of them. So when you do Celebrity Apprentice, you're inside. It's much easier to get sucked in. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what do we got? What are we missing? That's the news.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosenz. I'd cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. What's next for me, you ask?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that was interesting news. I mean, that was like one story and then that was.

[Allison Rosen]

Kept blabbing about the elves lion's share of it on another show we did.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit earlier.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So what do you have your sights on now? I'm always interested in Carolla's next move because, you know, you seem to like. You get a talk show, you a radio show, podcast, you know, the reality shows. What's the next move? I'm studying you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, I want to be the best dad I can be.

[Kevin Nealon]

Forget about that.

[Adam Carolla]

What about. Hold on, here's the catch. To other children, not my own. So that's the twist. That's a waste of my time. That's my son. And that's where the letdown.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is he playing T ball yet?

[Adam Carolla]

He is playing T ball. How old is he? He's smashing the shit. He's between 4 and 9. And he smashed the shit out of that tee yesterday. He just crushed that tee.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is this his first year playing T ball?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's a grizzled veteran. Five and a half, 11 years in the league. Had Tommy John surgery when he was four months old.

[Kevin Nealon]

Journeyman.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a journeyman. He's platooning with a 20.

[Kevin Nealon]

My kid starts on Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm a little concerned. We haven't run the bases yet or anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you got to be careful when you're having that conversation because you're telling people like, me and my son have only gotten a second base, but I'm looking to get to third. All right, bud, you Hollywood tags.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you know I was out. I was out in the yard practicing with him a little bit, and I felt like I was becoming that dad. I caught myself because. No, you got to get under the ball. Under the ball and trap it with your other hand. And then I step back and say, whoa, what am I doing? What am I doing? I took him out of the headlock.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's next for you?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, this is turned into a great business, so obviously, like, to keep this going. And the theater business has turned into a good business.

[Kevin Nealon]

What do you mean, the theater business?

[Adam Carolla]

Going out and playing theaters and going around doing appearances and doing. The book business has turned into.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right. Your book is the next thing a good business.

[Adam Carolla]

So, you know, just sort of onward and upward.

[Kevin Nealon]

You ever spend time at home? You ever spend time at home or.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, not at home.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

But they know where to find me.

[Kevin Nealon]

They can find you and hook up with you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll be in St. Louis and Kansas City if they need me.

[Kevin Nealon]

What other shows do you have your sights on?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, I have. I can. I can get into pilots.

[Kevin Nealon]

Bachelorette.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to do reality shows. It's just. They come to me every five years. Oh, they do?

[Kevin Nealon]

They approach you?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I would never. Oh, please. I hope you know that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you remember I was offered.

[Adam Carolla]

I would rather talk to the city council about elephants than I was offered.

[Kevin Nealon]

To do Dancing with the Stars, I think, their third year. And I thought about it for a week, and during that week, I guess it got out that they had asked me, and guys like you and other radio personalities would say, neyland shouldn't do it. He should not do that show. He should not do that. And then, like, two years later, they're all doing it.

[Allison Rosen]

That was part of their plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't have a plan. That's.

[Kevin Nealon]

You don't have a plan yourself. Open. That's the secret.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the way I look at it. To be honest, I could be much further along if I had a plan.

[Kevin Nealon]

You even did that movie, the boxing movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you do everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

You can do stuff. It just doesn't always succeed, but you do it. It's hard to get things done. I've written a lot of scripts, but they've never gone anywhere. You do it and.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I had to make that movie. I mean, it had to be told.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a story that had to be told.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I didn't have to make it. I just mean I had to. I had to get the money.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you had to get the money.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have to make anything. But what I'm saying is that be. I'd kill myself if you. I've said that in the context which you heard it. I did that movie. That wasn't a story that needed to ever be told. Never needs to be told again. I wanted to make that movie, so I raised the money and made that movie.

[Kevin Nealon]

How'd you raise the money?

[Adam Carolla]

The way you raise money to do a movie like that. You hook up with some people who've done other movies.

[Kevin Nealon]

Money people.

[Adam Carolla]

I hooked up with the people who did Kissing Jessica Stein. And I said, this is the same movie.

[Kevin Nealon]

How would you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Except for this is a boxing movie without lesbians and taking place in North Hollywood.

[Brian Bishop]

Lesbian in the film.

[Kevin Nealon]

How would you know to go to them, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I was working with a guy named Kevin Henge who was married to the Kissing Jessica Stein gal.

[Kevin Nealon]

You were working with him in what capacity?

[Adam Carolla]

We were writing the movie. Oh, so you go to the same people and you go, hey, look, if everyone ponies up a couple hundred grand, we can get 850 grand together and we can go out and shoot this movie.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's all it cost?

[Adam Carolla]

That's all it costs.

[Kevin Nealon]

And did they make their money back?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they did. I didn't, but. But they did. And then you shoot it and we shot it on film and, you know, I don't know, by the time the dust settles, maybe it's 900 grand or something like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

When they say there's a story to be told, why don't they just tell it instead of doing a whole movie about it?

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what the guy said. Just tell me. Yeah, but then you have to keep going around. It's hard when people buy it in Blu Ray and you have to go to their house and tell it. It's confusing for them too. And they like to see moving things. For me, I have no plan. It's just whatever. But look, in the last. I just realized in, you know, like the last two years, I did a animated pilot for fox. I did a single camera pilot for NBC or cbs. Multi camera for cbs.

[Kevin Nealon]

What was that called?

[Adam Carolla]

Written a couple of books. I don't even know. He wrote a couple books. One of them had a name. One of them was called Ace in a Hole. But the other one, I don't remember. The other one had a name. I don't think it had a name. They're like, yeah, don't bother. It's kind of like when a kid is born without lungs and a heart, and then we go, should we name it? And they're like, nah, just leave it.

[Kevin Nealon]

But nobody takes more shots than you do. Your percentage is going to increase because you were taking a lot of shots. I sit around and think, I should do this. And then I think, oh, that's never going to work. And I don't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

But it doesn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

You don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never gonna work. Or maybe it will, but it doesn't. You want to say when the sort of dust settles on your life, like, you go, I made a movie. I wrote a book.

[Kevin Nealon]

Or at least you gave it a shot.

[Adam Carolla]

A show.

[Allison Rosen]

I tried to free an elephant.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I did. I did make a movie. It wasn't a successful movie, but I made a movie.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right, so you had a talk show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a radio show. Yeah, I did. I did these things, reality shows. I said it this way. Like, when people were. Like, when I was replacing Howard Stern, everyone came up to me and went, wow, man. Replacing Howard Stern, I mean, that's. That's pretty freaky. Like, you really want to do that? Like, you like to step into that man's shoes.

[Kevin Nealon]

It wasn't replacing him. It was just doing another show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but people looked at it as, do you want to be the guy who replaced Howard Stern? And I used to just tell people all the time, get coming full circle, putting a bow on it. This one. This is why. This is why I have a. Like, an 18% batting average when it comes to projects. Brad Pitt. The aforementioned Brad Pitt. He used to be together with Jennifer Aniston.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he moved on. Right. And what if you had the chance to fuck Jennifer Aniston? Would you go, well, Brad Pitt looks so good with a shirt off. I don't think I could ever do that. Or would you go, fuck, yeah, I'm in. That was my take, and that's always been my take, which is maybe I'll. I'll never look as good as Brad Pitt or fuck as good as Brad Pitt or be as funny as Howard Stern. But you know what? Jennifer Aniston wants to fuck. This is a good closing message. Man in thank you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's a good closing message.

[Adam Carolla]

Good night, St. Louis.

[Allison Rosen]

The first time Howard Stern has been compared to Brad Pitt.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to experience life. I just did the fucking Toyota Grand Prix at the time of my life. I fucking loved it. I loved it. They gave me two cars. My name is misspelled on both of them. Every experience I Did the Golden Gloves when I was, you know, 19. Just. Why not just fucking do it?

[Kevin Nealon]

You're not afraid to try things?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Drugs? A lot of drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm high right now. I'm beat down my brain. By the way. All that shit I was talking about doing, I didn't do any of it. I'm just high.

[Kevin Nealon]

What are you afraid of?

[Adam Carolla]

I've climbed Mount Kilgore. Are you afraid of anything? I've had sex on the moon.

[Kevin Nealon]

What are you afraid of?

[Allison Rosen]

Anything?

[Kevin Nealon]

Last year I decided I was going to confront the things that I feared.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm afraid of not doing things I'm afraid of.

[Kevin Nealon]

How does that work out?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Powerful.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm afraid of doing things that I'm not afraid of.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm afraid of that I'm afraid of. Yeah. Not experiencing those things.

[Kevin Nealon]

Talk about full circle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

Powerful man.

[Adam Carolla]

So you decided you were going to confront those fears?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what happened?

[Kevin Nealon]

I did them.

[Adam Carolla]

And now you're done?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I'm done.

[Adam Carolla]

What were they?

[Kevin Nealon]

Murder.

[Adam Carolla]

And arson.

[Kevin Nealon]

Arson?

[Adam Carolla]

Was that one evening or did you break that up?

[Kevin Nealon]

I split it up. Okay. Rape.

[Adam Carolla]

Murder. Awesome and ripe. You said rape twice.

[Brian Bishop]

I like grape.

[Adam Carolla]

Greatest joke ever called.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who did that?

[Adam Carolla]

That was Blazing Saddles. A joke you could never tell today, but I was, I remember probably. Sad sight to have an 11 year old Adam Carolla busting up at that joke.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right. I just had lunch today. Can I tell you? I had lunch with Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Whom.

[Kevin Nealon]

George Shapiro and Carl Reiner.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I know one of them.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then Martin Short and Jason Alexander stopped by. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Where were you?

[Kevin Nealon]

McDonald's? No, I was at the place called the Grill in Beverly Hills.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I love Carl Runner. We've been friends for a while and he's just got the greatest stories. He's been there.

[Adam Carolla]

I could imagine.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know who?

[Adam Carolla]

Did he call anyone a douchebag?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Nothing bad to say about anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no respect for him then.

[Kevin Nealon]

But why is controversy so interesting and exciting? I mean there's so many shows now that are controversial and people love that stuff. Is that what you need to really sell out? Like a 5,000 seat theater? You need to be controversial and.

[Adam Carolla]

Or, or, or yeah, or just Seinfeld, I guess. I don't know. Do you play an instrument?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like you should. What do you play?

[Kevin Nealon]

I play the five string banjo.

[Adam Carolla]

You do, don't you?

[Kevin Nealon]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go. You've confronted that fear and licked it clean.

[Kevin Nealon]

That was not a fear.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

That wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I was not afraid Death of a banjo. I'll tell you who doesn't fear the banjo. Musicians friend.com. they don't fear the Joe. Joe. Not scared of the Joe.

[Kevin Nealon]

You never had advertisements before?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now you're making money.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

You say you're the top podcast in the country.

[Adam Carolla]

In terms of what? Like, how do you quantify everything?

[Kevin Nealon]

Followers and. And subscription people?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do people subscribe to a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then money wise, how much would you say you make?

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Kevin Nealon]

Your number.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't afford a ballpark, if that's what you're asking. It varies a lot, but we're able. I will. I will say this. We've just built the new studio.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where did you build a new studio?

[Adam Carolla]

As you've seen, yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, this place here?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You're inside the new studio.

[Kevin Nealon]

No. You remodeled the old studio.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we built this a new studio.

[Allison Rosen]

The old one was.

[Adam Carolla]

The old one was over there.

[Kevin Nealon]

You mean the inside. Oh, just the studio itself, but the warehouse is the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you for taking two sacks of flour to my gravy point. I really appreciate you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, so you rebuilt the.

[Adam Carolla]

Which year at the Groundlings. Did they teach you that one? I'm not. Was there rid of Grotlings? No. Shit. Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

This place that we're sitting in would be the new studio.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right. This is the new studio. It's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't erect. It's nice. I'm sorry, I did not erect a multi story building from whole cloth for.

[Kevin Nealon]

When you said I built a new studio, I'm thinking, oh, my God, this guy's doing great. He's got a place at probably a high rise, you know, in Glendale. He keeps the top floor for himself and he's renting out the rest.

[Adam Carolla]

And my lady friend.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I've introduced you to my lady friend, Kevin.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you did remodel this place, and I think it looks great. I mean, there's no crap.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't remodel this. I built it.

[Kevin Nealon]

You built this? This used to be the. This used to be the control booth.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

This studio there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We'll pull up some pictures, please.

[Brian Bishop]

Control booth is still there, Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's there. Oh, but then the. Okay. She studios on the other side of that one. Okay. What was this?

[Adam Carolla]

This was nothing.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is where you had your go karts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's where I had my go karts.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you did a great job. I take it back then. You really did the studio here.

[Adam Carolla]

You did a great job. You did a fantastic job. We built the control room over there, the offices back there.

[Kevin Nealon]

Put the red light outside.

[Adam Carolla]

Put the red light outside. That makes it official on air. And where do you buy these mics? We will. Given to us, by the way. Donated. That was road microphones. Road, Yeah. I will say this in all seriousness, and I'm very proud of this. Lost my job in terrestrial radio. Started this company up and now we have a bunch of employees and a place to come to work and it's.

[Kevin Nealon]

The best setup ever.

[Adam Carolla]

And a great setup. And two bathrooms. Matt. The porcelain punishers in one of them.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who came up with terrestrial radio? That word was that Howard.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know who came up with terrestrial radio? Maybe always existed, but we never needed to dust it off until like it's like one of these countries, like Grenada. All right. It existed, but no one gave a fuck.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then all of a sudden there's a problem. By the way, there's a picture of where you're sitting. That, that glass window is.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like you made a whole new studio.

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Musiciansfriend.com and now we have sponsors. I always feel weird about answering that. I did much of the work myself and oversaw all the work. Most all the work.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where's the camera?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do a lot of that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you have a camera in here?

[Adam Carolla]

It's in your car and it misses you. Musiciansfriend.com everybody want to learn to play the banjo? Yeah. You want a banjo?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you go to musiciansfriend.com you can get special for my listeners. Extra 10% off any item over 149 bucks. And I'm guessing a banjo, even a starter Joe, is going to cost you that much, right? Oh, sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now where do I go for that?

[Adam Carolla]

You go to musicians friend.com. you click on the musician Friend banner on our site and hit the code podcast to get the savings. Or you give them a buzz. 866-926-1929. Best prices on everything in music. Guaranteed. A lot of our equipment came, not only instruments, but all the equipment that is behind it and below it. It's guaranteed, by the way, musicians friends, best prices. Musiciansfriend.com and Kevin, one thing. You shouldn't leave the studio without our trusty man grate. We got you one of those. I know. A gift.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, nice.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a parting gift.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a mangrate.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I know you're vegetarian, but you do grill some of that, like, tofurkey or something?

[Kevin Nealon]

We throw it up on the grill. Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. Here's a grill for you. Mike will hand you a grill. There's a grill and a half. And by the way, that is nice, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

I could get you back into flesh with that baby. And when I say flesh, I mean gay porn. That's right, man. Great. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is nice. You sure it's not a candle?

[Adam Carolla]

It's sweet, isn't it?

[Kevin Nealon]

It's heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's heavy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Seen on tv. It actually says that on cctv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but it's never lifted in real life.

[Kevin Nealon]

How does this compare to the Foreman grill?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, kick. It's the. Pardon the pun, the heavyweight champ of grilling.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, really? Because I still have a hibachi at home.

[Allison Rosen]

You could grill your Foreman grill on that grill.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you should do. Offer it up to the grill gods. Toss that thing onto your hibachi.

[Kevin Nealon]

You guys are first class. I never got a parting gift before.

[Adam Carolla]

20 bucks. You do, Alan, you get a coffee mug and a pat on the back.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, you get underwear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think I got it on right now, if you want to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to see that.

[Kevin Nealon]

If I'm not mistaken, I like this.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you are wearing Ellen's boxers. Briefs.

[Adam Carolla]

I got Ellen briefs, too. Oh, shit. I'm not wearing them. But, yeah, I got Ellen briefs as well.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got about eight pair in all.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You stole that many?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You must have done the shit out of Ellen.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've done a lot of shows. I've done a lot of Ellen.

[Adam Carolla]

She likes. She must like you.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what? I do, like, a recurring thing on there now. I'm her, like, field report.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you do?

[Kevin Nealon]

I go to different places and put together a funny little package.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna start watching. I don't trust her.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

Cause she dances at the beginning of the show. And whenever someone tries to do something too nice, I always look at it as overcompensation. And I always quietly, why is dancing nice? I always look at it as evil. People go, what would a. But it's basically Don King syndrome, which is, I stomped a man to death because he owed me $40 in the streets of Detroit. So I should pick my hair out and wave little miniature American flags and yell to everyone, this is the greatest country in the world and only in America. And then I'll overcompensate for the fact that I stomped a guy to death. And I have that in my soul.

[Allison Rosen]

Next time you see her dancing, you'll see all of this.

[Adam Carolla]

When I see Ellen dancing, I think she probably thinks, what would a super bitchy person do to not let people think they were a super bitchy person? And I dance, and it works.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're just a sad song.

[Adam Carolla]

Think Rosie o'. Donnell. Remember the old Rosie o'? Donnell?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember her? Yeah. Cutie patootie, Chub club. Yeah. She was hot. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like that turned out.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a different side to her. Slightly more angry side to her. I'm basing it on somebody. I worked. I spoke to a person who worked on her show, and I said, I always suspected Ellen was kind of a bitch. And she said, worst person I've ever met in my life.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I've never seen that side of her. I've known her forever.

[Adam Carolla]

She's been good.

[Kevin Nealon]

She's been very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she dance?

[Kevin Nealon]

I only see her dance on that show, but she's. We used to do gigs together in San Francisco.

[Adam Carolla]

And she was good to you? Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Everybody's good to me. Nobody's been evil to me until today.

[Allison Rosen]

Today you have the opposite of what Adam has. He feels that he somehow draws out the worst in everybody else.

[Kevin Nealon]

Maybe it's how you look at.

[Adam Carolla]

Do I. I don't feel that way.

[Allison Rosen]

No. You said something like that the other day.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I draw. I bring out the inner dope in everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I make everyone that much stupor, stupider. Like, you know. You know, they say, like when they say, like, they say, like, Magic Johnson made everyone on his team, on the court, that much better.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I make everyone that much worse. Like the world's worst point guard in life.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's different than I'm bouncing balls off people's backs and they're going out of bounds and stuff like that. I bring out the stewards.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you think after people have been with you for a while, they go home and they're kind of depressed and sad and angry?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is that how you feel every night? Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

I had this conversation with my wife last night. I did. About. Well, she did this thing where she said I was complaining that I told my son to put his baseball cap on when he was playing T ball and he wouldn't do it. And she's like, well, listen, you can't just tell him to put the ball cap on and then start yelling at him to put the ball cap on. And I said, I didn't yell at him. And she said, yeah, but, you know, people think of you that way. And I said, all right, but I didn't yell at him to put the ball cap on. And she gave me the, yeah, but you know what I'm talking about. And I said, yeah. And then she said, why are you being so defensive? And I said, well, I'm being defensive because you're saying I did something that I didn't do to make a point. I understand you're making a point, but you can't just manufacture me screaming at my son through the back of the dugout. When I didn't do that, I just said, can you put your hat on? And he said, no. And I said, put your hat on. He said, no. And I was like, all right. I went back and sat down so I didn't start yelling at him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did your wife ever win an argument with you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, rarely, but I explained to her, only because I'm right. I mean, if she had points, would.

[Kevin Nealon]

You let her win an argument even if you knew she was wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, once in a while. She'll ultimately win by outliving me by 30 years and spending all my money. I mean, that'll be the ultimate end of the argument. But she was explaining to me, listen, you have Asperger's syndrome. And Is that what it is? That's what she said. She decided. Dr. Drew decided Asperger's syndrome. And that I was basically. Didn't treat people right and I was not a good. I'm a good person. Doesn't treat people right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you like people?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do.

[Kevin Nealon]

You do?

[Adam Carolla]

And she said. And I basically said, well, listen, you know, I'm a dick to you sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm a dick to other people all the time. And she's like. She gave me the general. I have this thing. It's a really. It's an ongoing argument where my wife says, you do understand nobody likes you, right? And I go. I go, yeah, but for a guy who's universally hated, I have all the friends that I still had in high school, and no one's ever quite quit because of me. And everyone takes my phone calls, and I work with the same people for years on end. And when I say to Mike lynch, hey, it's time to write another book, he goes, when do we start? And when I call my electrician guy and say, can you come here tomorrow and work on a place? They all come out and do it. So I can't be that bad, because if I was that bad, they wouldn't Pick up the phone. And they wouldn't come out and wouldn't write the second book.

[Kevin Nealon]

A friend of mine gave me a good piece of advice. He goes, great way to end an argument with somebody is, you know, listen to them, say your piece, why you think you're right, and then tag it with this, you know, but you may be right. That way. You're not saying they're right, but you may be right.

[Adam Carolla]

A little condescending might be a little.

[Kevin Nealon]

Bit right in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, what's going on? Someone's got to find Mike Lynch. I basically, I've told. I've become like a cult leader with my wife, where I basically explained her the righteous have nothing to fear, which is essentially like, all you have to be is not be a total fuck up and you'll be fine with me. I don't give people a hard time. I give them a hard time. The fourth time I ask them for the same thing. And then her whole thing is like, why are you raising your voice?

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm like, don't you hate incompetency?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do.

[Kevin Nealon]

Me too.

[Adam Carolla]

But I hate the willful incompetency. I hate it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't mind if people don't know how to do something.

[Adam Carolla]

Not at all. But I explain I'm raising my voice because this is the fourth time I've asked for this. I didn't raise it the first time.

[Kevin Nealon]

What were you asking for?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a blowjob, Mike, bringing that over. That's what I'm saying. Mike, you're a psychologist. What's wrong with you?

[Kevin Nealon]

Is he a psychologist?

[Adam Carolla]

He is. He is.

[Kevin Nealon]

What happened with his career?

[Adam Carolla]

He likes me more than he likes his patients. What's wrong?

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it Asperger's?

[Adam Carolla]

You think I have Asperger's? No. You don't think so? There are tendencies that you have. Be free. It's not add. Feel free to. Feel free to. Well, no, I mean, I think there's a lot of stuff that crosses into that. You know, the hyper vigilance stuff. But, you know, I wouldn't diagnose you Asperger's. You would not?

[Kevin Nealon]

In your profession, what would constitute hyper vigilance?

[Adam Carolla]

Just an awareness of everything and, you know, noticing it and getting aggravated by it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what you have. Yeah, you have.

[Adam Carolla]

But I would argue, you know, my, my. My wife does. She does think that everybody, you know, she does that thing where she does the thing where she goes like, hey, listen, you know your assistant Jay, like, You know, he stood. And it's like, if you're going to be somebody's assistant, there's going to be a situation where it's going to be like a coach, player type of situation, where I'm going to be saying, here's what I want you to do, and we're gonna be as close as we can be. But there's gonna be times when I'm gonna tell him to do something. I'm not gonna say pretty please at the end. I'm just gonna tell him what to do. And that's after that relationship.

[Kevin Nealon]

I thought Jay was going to law school.

[Adam Carolla]

He split and he went to law school? Oh, no. He went. No, actually, he was with me for five years, and now he left. A tearful hug by the front door, by the way.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow, he's a good guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that guy. And he's doing his bar. And then I don't want to say this because his dad may hear us, but he wants to come back. So I'm trying to figure out a.

[Kevin Nealon]

Way to be your lawyer. Assistant lawyer.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna come back and sue me for being a dick. No. My wife honestly just says, you know, you're kind of a dick. I mean, not in a bad way. Not you're a bad person, but you're sort of a dick.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you know what? You create controversy. I think people like to hear you talk about other people.

[Adam Carolla]

And she means personally. She means you're personally.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you're personally, personally, yeah. What does she see in you? Why did she marry you?

[Adam Carolla]

Money. I'd say pretty straightforward.

[Kevin Nealon]

She doesn't like cars?

[Adam Carolla]

No, she, she, she sees through it. Well, I have no idea. Honestly, to be fair to her, I don't think I was a dick, you know, you're not a dick on the first date.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? I, I, you should, we should ask her. But she thinks I don't treat people the way they deserve to be treated.

[Kevin Nealon]

Does she apologize a lot for you?

[Adam Carolla]

Not. Well, not in front of me, but as soon as I leave, when you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Say something that she kind of overcomes by laughing. Like it was funny. Awkwardly, uncomfortably funny.

[Adam Carolla]

She, you know, it's really hard to tell. And she thinks I'm sort of douchey, you know?

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you nice to waiters?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. I'm always nice to anyone who's not in the family. Not in the family who's sort of underling. Unless they give me a hard time and then I'm a dick to them. But my wife Thinks I'm a douche. And the thing is, that's the name.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of your next book.

[Adam Carolla]

I've told her you get to be nice and I get to be a douche because I'm the one who pays everybody. And so I'm the one who's constantly telling people, like, here's what I need you to do for me. Like, if you're hanging out with them, then you get to be their friend. You know? Like, I'm the guy who comes into the kitchen and says, all right, it's time to get back to work.

[Kevin Nealon]

You gotta be pissy to somebody when you have a company, when you run a business, you have to be pissy. Or if you're a talk show host, you know, you can't be nice. Everybody's not gonna say, hey, he's a nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the truth is somewhere in between douche and reality. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm a total douche. Dawson. You wouldn't come over here if I was a douche, would you? No, totally. You're the. You're a great boss. You're an easy guy to get along with. Just you don't with your program, you won't with ours.

[Allison Rosen]

He blinked the entire time he said that.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong? Yeah, but, Dawson, what's wrong with me? I think you're abrasive and juvenile, hyper vigilant in the insult department. And you're really good at it. And there's no winning an argument with you. And that is what frustrates people the most, I think, is you're always right. Because you speak the best. I guess. Let me bring up an example. Can I bring up an example, please?

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it seems like you're alone a lot and you think a lot about things, but I never see you alone. You're always with people. When do you have time to think things over?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm alone right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you are?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm thinking things over. That's the way I roll.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've been paying attention.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike Lynch. Let's just bring up an example here, okay? Three weeks ago, I did Kevin and Bean. I did this Week In Rage, as I do every Wednesday or Thursday on Kevin and Bean, right? Yes. And you provide me a list of topics that I rely heavily on because I wake up five minutes before it's time to do Week in Rage. And Mike sends me an email of 15 to 20 things I've been ranting about during the week and I can't remember them, but he Writes them down and then he emails them to me that night. And then I get up if I got to do Kevin and Bean at 8:30 in the morning. I just get up at 8:25 and I go to the computer and I hit his email and I pick out three that I can rant on and I rant on them. And it happened two weeks ago that he didn't provide the list. I said to him the night before when we were leaving, I'm doing week in rage tomorrow, so if you could give me that list. And he said, fine. And then I got up and I went to the computer five minutes and there was nothing there. And I had to just kind of. I picked one, one major complaint and I complained about it and I got by it. And then I talked to Mike later on and Mike said, oh fuck, drop the ball. I forgot. I totally spaced on sending you the list. Well, I did weaken rage today. Yes. And you what? I spazed again and didn't send the list.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you think maybe he's teaching you how to fly?

[Adam Carolla]

And then I ran solo and then we ran into each other this afternoon. And you said what? I apologized and I said what? I should fire and burn down your friggin house, Right? Did I say anything more? No, you said it's not your job. And I said, no, it is. I see it as my job. And I. And then what else did I say?

[Kevin Nealon]

Nothing. All right, Mike, do you think you have asked questions?

[Adam Carolla]

Would that be being a dick?

[David Wilde]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. That's strike two. If we get to four. Yeah, yeah. I might get a little. Don't you think a douchey guy would have been a little douchier in that moment? Absolutely. This is the thing. If we're, if we're playing armchair psychologist.

[Kevin Nealon]

On you.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S when you feel like you're not heard. And given everything we know about your dad and your mom, when you feel like you're not heard, no one's listening to you. That's when you get angry. And it takes four times before you feel like no one's listening to you. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That is a good point. When you're not feel like you're not being heard, that's when people get a little aggravated and get a little douchey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And as far as the winning of the arguments, honestly, and I know this sounds like total bullshit, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

[Kevin Nealon]

What were you saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't argue about things unless I'm right. It's one of those Things because you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Think you're right about everything.

[Adam Carolla]

I choose not to argue. I choose not to argue unless I'm right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. I'll give you an example. Jimmy Kimmel likes to argue.

[Kevin Nealon]

Bail out of an argument when you realize you're not right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, probably Jimmy likes to argue.

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

He likes to do the point counterpoint thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I told him I had an invention, and it was called Fruit in the Middle yogurt. I didn't like fruit at the bottom. I wanted fruit in the middle. I didn't want to dig around the bottom and get the yogurt all the way up in the spoon. And he said, that would never work. Work. And I said, why not? And he said, because they start off fruit at the bottom starts off with fruit at the top, and it all sinks to the bottom. And I said, no, it doesn't. And he said, yes, it does. And I said, do you work for Knudsen? How did this work out? And he said, that's the way it works. And I said, it does not work that way. And he said, absolutely. We had like a 20 minute yogurt argument, and I realized he just likes to argue.

[Kevin Nealon]

He just likes to argue.

[Adam Carolla]

Not really about yogurt.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a point counterpoint thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

What about the yogurt that has the grape nuts on the top in a separate compartment?

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy says they'll start at the bottom and work their way up.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I win an alarmingly high percentage of my arguments because I'm usually right. Otherwise, I choose not to. Not to argue about it. And by the way, Mike could have said to me, hey man, we usually do weekend Rage on Thursday. And you didn't say anything to me the night before. And then we could have started something, but Mike said, sorry, and I said, no problem, and we moved right on. I said, it's not your job. I got wrapped up in book stuff, and we moved right on. Did we? We did it two times in three weeks. And did I say shit? No. All right. That does not a douche make. Thank you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you think I could start one of these podcasts if I have a lot of followers on Twitter and get it out to them that I have a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Kevin Nealon]

And would it be a waste of time ultimately, though?

[Adam Carolla]

For me, no. But you have to be consistent about it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

And one thing you definitely can't do, Cardinal sin, is spend the last half hour talking about your own psyche about My own what? Psyche. That'll.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think we've totally analyzed you. I think these are great comments from Mike.

[Allison Rosen]

I made some breakthroughs.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God. We're on hour number three.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. We feel good. Where was I? Man? Great $20 special. So the douchiest non douche you'll ever meet or the nicest douchebag ever or something like that. I think I might have myself.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think Mike was right. You're hyper, vigilant, and you're aware of a lot of things and you. You think a lot about everything you have to say. You have to talk about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, we ever done a show.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's your closing message?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian just wet himself, by the way, man. Great. 20 bucks, baby. They got a special that's like a man great banner, that's all. Lift that thing up and tell me that doesn't feel like more than 20 bucks.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, this is like a dollar a pound, right?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, enjoy your 40 minute read, man. Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we got it. Is there meat in here? We got to charge him for that? Yeah, it comes with me. Yeah, I think yours is poor. I gotta check them. They're different colors. All right. And Kevin Nealon, everybody. What do I do with Kevin Nealon's page? Kevin, toss that Twitter out. Thank you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's KevinNealon.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. KevinNeland.com you can find out where he's playing all around the country. And Weeds coming out. Premiere Sunday, July 1st. July 1st. Showtime. Mazda on that, my friend.

[Kevin Nealon]

Showtime special coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

Showtime special coming up with a great summer, great title once again. So Allison, well fit but not overly.

[Allison Rosen]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart and funny. So until next time, this is Adam Kolla for Kevin Nealon, Allison Rosen, and bald Brian saying Mahala.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that's adam Kurillis Show 804.

[Adam Carolla]

Come up next, we have Adam Kurillis Show 813, featuring Matt Besser, 1/4 of the Maine UCB Upright Citizens Brigade, along with David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Brian.

[David Wilde]

Bishop, also from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bill. Bryan.

[Matt Besser]

Hey, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Sup? Good day, David Wilde.

[David Wilde]

Good day, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

David Wild always comes in and he usually comes in once a week. Usually it's about a Monday or Tuesday. And he brings an interesting piece of music, a deep cut, something maybe you haven't heard before. Hopefully something to add to your collection. I brought in one of my own. We do not know. Last time we were almost simpatico with our ladies. We'll see how it works. Out this time. Million things to talk about. I was at Phil Rosenthal's last night watching the Bob Marley doc. Yes, and eating the pizza. I was hoping you'd be there.

[David Wilde]

I backed out at the last second. I ended up having to babysit some someone's kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. I had a great time. The documentary was amazing. Much to say about Bob Marley and the whole Rasta thing and lots of eye opening stuff going on over there. First I should get ready ball Brian and I should tell you. Mother's Day right around the corner. It's coming up. How about some giant dipped strawberries from Sherry's Berries? You know, whenever you do copy, they send over like some example stuff, like stuff you might want to talk about. And it's, you know, it's not tailor made for me. It's tailor made for all the DJs they have talking up cherry's berries around the country.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, this may be tailor made for you.

[Adam Carolla]

You never know.

[Brian Bishop]

Look, I sent over just for you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just an example. I just tell them, you know, whenever we do these spots, I go, give me the beets and I'll have some fun with it. I'll put my own flavor on it. But here's, they'll give you some examples if you're not that creative. Here's one. My mom is always trying to brag on me, telling her friends, co workers, how proud she is of me. So I don't want to let her down. I have to help her maintain her bragging rights. So I sent her Sherry's Berries for Mother's Day bragging rights. Give me one good reason why I should get cable.

[Allison Rosen]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Mama never stops bragging. Starting at only 19.99, that's a savings of over 40%, which is over 30%. Huge, fresh, juicy dipped in white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, nuts, chocolate chips. It's why the terrorists hate us. We see massive strawberries dipped in white chocolate and we go, you know why? Just because we're worth it.

[Allison Rosen]

Not just that, but the swizzle.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're like, don't they melt in the sun? And you're like, nah. We have refrigerators in every room. What? And the rooms themselves are like 68, 69 degrees. So we're cool.

[David Wilde]

If Bob Marley had had white chocolate dipped strawberries instead of marijuana, he'd still be here. He'd still be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Sherry's Berries. Call eight six and that's just good signs. Call eight six six, FRUIT zero two or visit them online at Berries. Click on the microphone in the top right corner, type in Ace so they know where you hear it. And we get the love. Barrys.com. tell them Ace sent you. So the Bob Marley thing. So this, you know, right up your alley. David Wilde. Very good. Really good. You know the thing. I was walking in and I ran into my friend Ed as I was walking in, and he said, what are you doing here? And I said, I'm watching Bob Marley. And he said, I want to go to Hawaii. You don't like reggae music? And I said, I like documentari. And that's what you should like. You shouldn't base your shit on do I like this or do I like that? The thing about documentaries is the topics. Forget about the topics. It's not. There's serial killers and mass murderers and despots and reggae musicians. They're horrible people. But you're there to learn something. I'm not there to just hear about shit and learn about shit I already know about. This is how I read. Just read. Read the shit that you don't agree with. It'll round you out. So it did not disappoint. It was two and a half hours long, which is a little bit. You know, there's this thing where I kind of feel like, man, if you can't tell your story in two hours, you're not quite telling it. Like, there's a little bit of fat on that, on that.

[David Wilde]

Says the man whose second book in a year is the 399 pages of brilliance.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, brilliance. Get out of here. Go on.

[David Wilde]

I tweeted a photo of one of the crime scenes from the book this week because it was very powerful to me, the club. The book continues to have terrible ramifications in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

It's that powerful a book. I continue to be very difficult with my children because the book. I just keep seeing people who've made the wrong turn and trying to learn from the. This book, it really is. In lieu of the Talmud, it is teaching me so very much.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a blurb for your book. This book ruined my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In lieu of the Talmud, so. And not as funny as the Talmud, but still, there's lessons to be.

[David Wilde]

More pictures of hot chicks from the.

[Adam Carolla]

Valley than the Talmud.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Maybe you'll spawn a whole generation of people who are kind of angry at their parents because of the parenting lessons you're teaching people.

[Adam Carolla]

From your mouth to God's ears. Yeah. There was a picture of the Jacuzzi where Ray put his Ass up against it. Which is one of the stories that's in the book. Oh, it's interesting. Oh, you had to be there. Oh, the jet. The jet, yeah. It's up at the Mulholland Club. Yes, it's all in the book. Yeah, and the audiobooks. Because it's gonna be eight and a half hours plus. We're already actually already at eight or eight and a half or I don't know. Where are we at? I don't know. But I haven't taken a shower in two days. I've had only you and my head headphones.

[David Wilde]

I think Showa is six hours.

[Allison Rosen]

If you can't smell anything, doesn't mean we can't.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you to stay away from me. The Raiders. The Ray chapter is two hours long. I told today. I mean the chapter on the audiobook number two, Bob Marley. Interesting. Interesting dude. And so I recommend the doc documentary highlight.

[David Wilde]

Can I tell you a Bob Marley story?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[David Wilde]

It's sort of tangentially Bob Marley, but for years it's your. About your favorite artist, Bob Dylan. Maybe I've told you this, but I hope not. I was doing a cover story on Tom Petty for Rolling Stone. And I wanted a quote from Bob Dylan, who's sort of his hero and who he's always compared to. And he never does interviews. He doesn't talk about himself even in interviews. But for some reason, this request got to him the night after Petty. Yeah, the offer got to Bob Dylan to talk about Petty. Very late. The magazine was already at the printer. And I get a call. Bob will call you. So I had to sit in a hotel at the beach without a pay cell phone. This is pre cell phone. And he eventually called. And I said, bob, you know, my one question is, people always compare Tom to you. Do you hear it? And he goes, me? No, you got the wrong Bob. Tom's like Bob Marley. You got a mistaken Bob identity or something like this. And I. I was like, he's nothing like Bob Marley. Well, I realized later it was a pot joke. It was an existential pot joke that he waited a year and a half for it to land with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Feeling better, Bob Marley? Well, first things first. Half white. Like his dad was a white dude. I mean, like white rancher, you know, picture of him, like up on a horse with a tie, you know, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Roy Rogers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like white. Like, I don't. I don't mean like, you know, my dad is a white dude who could go either way. And I'm not talking chewy either. I'm talking white dude. So kind.

[Allison Rosen]

You like?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so. So he's. He's. He was like a half breed and sort of made fun of and everything back in the cast. My name is Graham Wellington. That's number one. Number two.

[Allison Rosen]

He even looks a vaguely Hitlerian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there he is. I mean, that's a white guy, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's his dad. Great voice, great spirit. Great. Just energy, just whatever was inside of him. Constantly trying to get out. But a couple things. He was a Rastafarian, and that Rastafarian movement is a weird, weird newish religion. And I'll give you an example. What I always complain about the Rastafaria. I'm reading it on. Off of Wikipedia here. The Rastafarian movement encompasses themes such as the spiritual use of marijuana. Cannabis. And rejects the rejection of Western society. It rejects Western society. Okay, great. And it's, you know, birthplace is in Ethiopia. And it's all kind of about the motherland of Africa and all that kind of shit. When Bob Marley got terminal cancer, where did he go for treatment?

[Allison Rosen]

Cedar, Egypt.

[Adam Carolla]

Which part of. No, he went to Germany. Right. You want to know why he went to Germany? Because that's where his dad was. Yes. Or at least his dad's parents were. No, that's where the smart guys who studied books were and who could beat cancer were. There was an oncologist in Germany, and that's where he goes. So the whole thing is like, hey, buddy, you're Rastafarian. Like, come on, how about you go back to the motherland? Well, no one over there knows shit. And the reason they don't know shit is because they're into the same goofy religion you're into. Thus it is retarded. Their curve.

[Allison Rosen]

Magical thinking is great when everything's going well.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And he had. Basically had a malignant melanoma on his toe, and they wanted to amputate his toe.

[Brian Bishop]

Had toe cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's such a. It's a crazy metaphor, but just literally the smallest part of your body that couldn't be furthest away from your face. You know what I mean? Like, someone wants to amputate your nose. It's sort of like you're gonna miss that. But the toe, all you need, you know, you're a pair of Birkenstocks away from complete anonymity. And his thing was. His thing was like, I want my toe. And he played soccer. He played a lot of soccer. And he, you know, anyone who plays a game like soccer pushes off that foot and all sorts of stuff. And he's like, I don't want to amputate my toe and Rasta will take care of this. So he did not get his toe amputated like he probably should have. And three years later his body went from you have toe cancer to you have brain, lung, kidney, pancreatic. Your entire body's riddled with cancer. But it's essentially. And who knows if he'd be alive today or whatever the story is.

[Allison Rosen]

But basically, spare the toe spoiler, Ostafarian.

[Adam Carolla]

It went from his toe to his ankle, entire thing. And it's just, you know, it's what I say about religion. A, it didn't stop you from getting full blown cancer at 36 and B, when you did get full blown cancer, off to Germany to get cured. So really, let's, let's work on that. People. Interesting, other interesting things like his, he had like 11 kids from like nine women. So again, like that whole. I don't know why, but it sort of pisses me off like every, you know, they play the tapes of him. It's that, it's that it's the same thing that pisses me off about John Lennon where they go, I just wish all people of all colors and all nations, whether you're Hispanic or black or white or Chinese, could just get along and just live in harmony with one another. It's like, oh, he's fucking such a hero. Oh my God. Like no shit, of course. But meanwhile, I'm gonna bang a 16 year old down the street and I have five kids and a wife waiting for me at home.

[Allison Rosen]

Do as I say, not as I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying this fucking shit where it's like war doesn't solve anything. And I want everyone to get along. Go ahead and, go ahead and file almost everyone on the planet under the. We don't like war either and we'd like everyone to get along.

[David Wilde]

But this is the old man's re viewing of rock history. I have to like, as you get older, you change your opinions. Like I was always a John Lennon freak. Worship John Lennon. I went on the road with Paul McCartney and I sort of switched. I saw this guy was a great dad, like a Beatle who was a great dad and a great husband whose wife was a great lady who's. Part of the reason I married my wife is because Linda McCartney told me to. And I said, hey, they seem to have a marriage that works. I'll listen to them. Because there was no example of that in my Family. So I listened to them. And so, you know, Paul McCartney gets a lot of points from me in my old age because he was a great dad. He is a great dad.

[Adam Carolla]

I think ultimately, when the dust settles on a guy's life, you can sort of measure him by is his son and his daughter talking to him. And, you know, Bob Marley was an amazing. And we do this all the time. Just because he was an amazing talent and just because he preached, hey, peace, unity, Herb, everyone get along. Which again, is kind of no shit, Sherlock stuff. There's nobody in this building that wants anarchy and people lighting pallets on fire out in the street and breaking me coming up beside your head with a cinder block. Like, we all want everyone to get along. We all wish for world peace and all that kind of stuff, but. But how are your 11 kids doing? How much time you spending with them? And really, 11 kids with eight or nine women is not totally respectful to the mom and to the other kids as well. And like, you're living in England and you're having another, and you got kids spread out all over the place. So great musician, great voice, great spirit. They got a great spirit. But just because you tell everyone to get along and we shouldn't judge by the color of a man's skin, doesn't make you a hero. Unless you've invented some sort of vaccination for war, in which case, I'm all about you. And just by the way, the whole Rasta thing is awesome because again, it's like one of those things that dudes do where they get together and they go, hey, man, we need to work out a religion. All right, well, what do we like doing and what don't we like doing?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, we like cracky sack.

[Adam Carolla]

We like banging. Broadcast that much we like. All right, so I should be able to fuck 16 year olds who live down the street when I'm. When I'm 30. All right, no problem. All right, we got that. What else do we like? We like smoking weed. All right, that's good. You haven't lost me yet then. There never seems to be a female in the room when they're making the rules because it's like women, no makeup, they bow to us. And the ten lives thing, I want.

[Brian Bishop]

To bring that up again. I know we've revisited. We revisited this a few times. I just want to formally file an objection to the 10 wives thing. Make it maybe 10 spouses, you know, I mean, but work both ways, men and women.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's Weed, it's banging underage chicks, and then it's kind of whatever we want to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, the underage chicks thing, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Could we do underage guys or.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, women.

[David Wilde]

That's also the constitution of Blues Traveler. I think that's in their religion.

[Adam Carolla]

It of like, do what you gotta do and. Ladies, shh, quiet. Listen to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think it's probably not in their bylaws, but suggested that people wear their hair in dreadlocks?

[Adam Carolla]

Another thing is. Well, it's great. Yeah, it's like smoke weed, bang 16 year olds, and we don't have to cut our hair or shave. We just hang out. It's awesome. The other thing, there was one really funny part of the movie where they said they were interviewing one of the old Wailers. But some of these guys are way out there, and then some of them are kind of lucid. At some point, he got shot. And Jamaica was just kind of these warring governments, you know, the usual one government's trying to take over. There's a new party coming in place. People are running around and shooting people. And it's all this fucking. They don't even. By the way, it's like the news footage of the guys don't even know how to shoot. Like, guys in flip flops running, like, shooting. Like turning their head the other way and just shooting and running.

[David Wilde]

Have you been to Jamaica?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I have.

[David Wilde]

It is the wild. It's the craziest place I've ever been. I can't go back there. Legally, I literally cannot return.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[David Wilde]

I was in the only car accident in my life. Almost got killed with Howie Epstein, one of the hardbreakers, the Jewish heartbreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[David Wilde]

Late, great Howie Epstein, one of my favorite people of all time, invited me to go with him and Carlene Carter, who Nicolo's ex wife, who's a. Johnny's. June's daughter. June Carter's daughter said, you want to come for a Christmas vacation, stay at Johnny Cash's house in Jamaica? That sounded like the greatest idea of all time to me.

[Adam Carolla]

So I went, man in black in that kind of climate, doesn't feel like a good idea.

[David Wilde]

Well, it turned out to be his man in culottes. When they were there, they said, the good news is it's free.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Wilde]

Other than security. But what you don't know is when it gets to Jamaica, security can be very expensive. Because there's a famous story where Johnny and June got held up in this house, this mansion that was Elizabeth Browning's Mansion. I don't know why Elizabeth Browning had a mansion there, but there was this giant house. And we were staying for free, except we had to pay for four guards because Johnny and June had been held famously for like three days by bandits. It's that kind of place. Keith Richards place was down the hill. And I guess it just. You need four or five security guards at all times. But the one time we left, we went to, like, down the coast, and in the middle of nowhere, some guy was screwing with the local, I mean, the tourists, and told me to go around. I was clear. And I went head on collision. And I'm in the middle of nowhere, Jamaica, with Howie Epstein, who was about 98 pounds, 5 foot 4, and Carlene Carter and this woman friend of mine who was with me. And all of a sudden, guys came out of the woods with machetes.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jamaicans I know.

[David Wilde]

And they were about to kill me. And the police came and put me in jail. And then the. Literally, this is how justice works in Jamaica. They said, where are you staying? Write in the address in the paperwork. And I wrote Johnny Cash's address, and they said, you can go.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Wilde]

They didn't want to screw with one of Johnny's guests. And I walked out, but they said, don't come back. The car place didn't even want my insurance information. They said, just don't come back.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody. I was saying this to someone earlier today. Someone's got to get some Jews over there.

[David Wilde]

That was my intention.

[Adam Carolla]

First Mexico, then Jamaica. Like, we need to take some Jews. I'm telling you what we need to do is tell everyone in Israel, listen, there are a lot of places that need you because they're just fucking running into each other over there. Like, they need to send over a Jew wash. Yes. There's neighborhoods out here in Southern California that need some gays. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, look, you want to know what's.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, they don't already have a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what Silver lake was like 12, 14, 15 years ago?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me. My sister bought a house in Silver Lake up on the hill in like 95. No, I'm sorry. In 97, maybe even 98. I remember because I put the down payment down for it. The down payment was $8,000. She was in Germany and she needed me to put it up for her. And then she was gonna wire it over and never did. But the point is this. It was literally $8,000. The house cost 160, $16,000 in 1997.

[David Wilde]

That's in pre Jew money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. 6 96, probably. 97, 98. It was gang infested. It was shitty. It was basically the barrio. And then at some point, the gays took over. The gays had always been hanging out in Silver Lake, but they said, fuck it, we're taking over. That's right. We're hanging our hepatitis covered sea shingle on the out and we're making a run at it. And the gays took over Silver Lake. And now you couldn't find a house in Silver lake for under 700, $800,000. Now you don't think Sun Valley or Sunland or Reseda Van Nuys could use some gays over there?

[Brian Bishop]

Why don't the gays form a union, a silent union, like 200 people and just, you know, quietly buy a bunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Of property Whenever he gets in the area, all they do is fucking. You can't do that with the gays. You have to keep them separated.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the fatal flaw in my plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you have to muzzle them. Well, it's not a muzzle, but it's different, kind of. That's right.

[David Wilde]

Your idea makes a lot of sense because now I understand that Bob Marley's greatest song, I Shot the Sheriff. I shot the Sheriff. And now I need a good Jewish lawyer, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Which makes a lot more sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Representation. No, you take some gays, you sprinkle them out in Van Nuys, you sprinkle them out in Sunland and Sun Valley. You get some Jews from Israel, you bring them into Jamaica, get that fucking place back up on its feet. It's insane over there. The thing I was going to tell you is. So they're interviewing one of the guys and Bob Marley got shot. Somebody just kind of put his hand through the kitchen door with a pistol and shot his wife and grazed him and shot him in the arm and then shot a third person. And. And everybody sort of went to the hospital overnight and was, okay, no one died, but three people got shot. And they said to one of the guys they were interviewing from back in the day, they said the interviewer was earnest and they didn't know what party did this, which side was the incumbent government or the one that was trying to overthrow it. And they said, do you think this was a professional hit? And he said, well, you know, professional for Jamaica. He was like, nothing's really professional over here. But this may have been as professional as it got.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, professional that.

[Adam Carolla]

He got paid upwardly mobile. Jamaica had to Explain. We don't do anything professionally here, but yes, that could have been professional. Yeah, it was A Funny Story. A very cool documentary. I will recommend it highly.

[Allison Rosen]

So is it okay for me to go on hating Bob Marley though? Or now do we have to like him?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you Bob Marley. Here's what I'm, I'm saying about these guys.

[Allison Rosen]

The music, not the band, they're talents.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, it's, it's, it's. I don't know. And the next room's a big poster with Evel Knievel on it. We don't, we don't. We do this with musicians and we really shouldn't, which is Evel Knievel did something. He had balls. He was an innovator, he was a showman. He did everything. He was also an alcoholic. I'm sure he was a horrible fucking husband. And I'm sure he was a horrible dad to his, I don't know, two or three kids. So when somebody is John Lennon or Bob Marley or something, they're great musicians and they're great spirits and they're amazing at what they do. But we shouldn't follow them much like athletes, you know, having 11 kids from nine different women, not a great example to set. And when somebody tells you, oh, you have cancer, you need to take care of this, you're going, don't worry, man, Ross will take care of it. Again, not a great example. He's probably not a very smart guy. He was like a country guy. Probably has a second grade education, if that. So he was an amazing spirit and you should enjoy his music. But don't live your life like Bob did.

[David Wilde]

Universally the most recognized, beloved artist I've been, anywhere I've ever been. I remember being in Morocco in like a little, you know, trying to see what music was there in this little village. And that was about all you would see. Michael Jackson and, and Bob Marley.

[Adam Carolla]

The artists that have gotten another good example and. But I will say this, about as crazy as Michael Jackson was, I feel like his kids sort of loved him, respected him, whatevered him, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Some blanket will be okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure. Just having shitloads of kids with shitloads of mommies and not being around is not a good thing.

[Allison Rosen]

My problem with Marley is just every single college dorm room I've ever been in with playing the Bob Marley and the big Bob Marley poster and the MC Escher poster, everywhere Adam did it.

[David Wilde]

Deal with because I didn't get to see it. It was at south by Southwest, but it was opposite this movie I had done, so I never saw it. Did they get into the fact that he was hurt that black America didn't really embrace him, that it was really the white kids? And. And I know that, like, end of his life, he was on the road with, like, the Commodores, trying to get black America to take notice.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. Yes, it was one of those things. And again, it's one of these things. What was funny, because there's this thing where, you know, we never stop, as I always say, beating ourself up. Oh, don't be naive. We're wildly racist. It's a hugely racist country. It's like, we're so racist that Bob Marley is selling out football stadiums. And. And it's 99% white people. You know what I mean? And this is in 1978, you know, and as I was. I was thinking about the irony of that, because I'm at Phil Rosenthal's house with 15 white people sitting around watching the Bob Marley special. And like I said, like, I don't look if they came, you know, if. I don't know if there's a such a thing as 20 black folks sitting around watching the Tom Petty special. I don't think there is. I don't think it exists. Maybe I'm wrong. I could be wrong, but I don't think that exists. We never stop beating ourselves up. But this is literally 25 white people sitting around watching the Reggae Rastafari guy, and this guy's shelling out stadiums in theaters all over the country, and it's a whole bunch of white people. So this whole thing of, like, we're so racist. Well, really, why is he selling millions of records? And why is he selling. Yes, he was upset. He felt, you know, he felt like, in the States at least, where's the black people? And so what he did, because he couldn't find anything but a white audience in the States, is he agreed to open for the Commodores. And if.

[David Wilde]

Which is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is crazy in those years, 79, 80, whatever. And he was a much bigger international draw than the Commodores, but he wanted a black audience. So he was going to open for the Commodores. And he did. And he would also was guaranteed some airplay because they weren't. He wasn't getting play on the urban stations, as they call them, so he would get some airplay if he agreed to open for the Commodore. And he basically opened for the Commodores and Madison Square Garden or something like that. Everyone loved it. The next day, went out jogging. I don't want to give away too many details, but he. That was about it. By the time he got to the Commodores, that was.

[David Wilde]

You know, it's weird. I went with Phil and Jeff Garland. Phil took a bunch of us. Jeff Garland, really fun group. To see Bruce this weekend. And there were a lot of white people there.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[David Wilde]

I was shocked.

[Adam Carolla]

Springsteen.

[David Wilde]

Imagine my son Frost.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally it's an inner city crowd. All right, now, you brought a song? Yes, I'm going to. And I brought a song. Then there's no way we're gonna come even close to each other on this one because I went way, way off the reservation on this. Guys, let's not mess up Mother's Day. Oh, wait, did I already do that one? No, it's another one. Mother's Day. Ah, this is pro flowers. That's right. Oh, you got to do. You got to. You got to get the wife. You got to get your mother. You got to get the grandmother. Thank God mine's dead. Sister, mother in law. Everyone. Everyone's mother. Mother effers, all of them. They need flowers. A dozen rainbow roses and a free glass vase. Only $19.99. A dozen roses. $19.99.

[Brian Bishop]

It's nice we live on a day where you can take care of all of it just in one 5 minute setting. Just enter some addresses a couple of clicks.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying just yesterday when roses. When a dozen roses were 120 bucks. Gas was a buck 15 buck 20 a gallon. Now it's $4.20 a gallon. And this is. It's we.

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

The roses and the gas prices are heading in opposite directions at a breakneck speed.

[David Wilde]

Which is another compelling reason not to buy your wife gas Celine or Valentine's style.

[Allison Rosen]

But you could provide your own.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a barrel of crude. It was not gasoline. But anyway. Red, white, orange, yellow, pink, all the different colors of the rainbow. That's right. Rainbow roses upgrade to the pink potted rose plant for just 10 bucks more. Order now and you can have delivery by Mother's Day. Offer expires midnight this Friday. Cole, 800 ProFlowers 800 ProFlowers proflowers.com Click on the microphone. Enter aceproflowers.com. let them know Ace sent you. So we get a little love from them. All right, Dave. David, you brought yourself. There's probably a handful of people on the planet who've been exposed to more music than you. And we don't know any of them. So that's why you're here.

[David Wilde]

You'd have to pay them so they're not here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And David has brought a deep cut. I can't figure out etiquette. Would you like me to go or would you like to go? I'll leave that up to you.

[David Wilde]

Let me go first.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[David Wilde]

Let the Jew go first. Let the Jew go first for once. Because this song, there's a bigger little prelude pitch to you. Because I'll tell you the story is that I listen to your show. I think I've told you this. At night in bed, I'm insomniac next to my wife. I put on headphones and listen to this show. But sometimes the show is so funny that I can't stop myself from laughing out loud. So I will switch to music at times on random shuffle. Just let songs go through. And a song came up which I'm going to play, which I think at least today to me is the greatest song of all time. Time that no one knows or very few people know.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's exactly.

[David Wilde]

And like the last song, the little Village song we got into playing, it's a car song. So it made me realize, I think you have to put out an album of ace car songs, which. And maybe a charity record for. We'll figure out the cause now.

[Adam Carolla]

A car song, not the band.

[David Wilde]

No, songs about car. Songs that are. Deal with cars. And maybe you speaking in between ranting about different topics of life.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a box set.

[David Wilde]

But this is the first song on the album. Is. I'll Stop is. Oh, we're already hearing it. This is Peter Wolf from J. Giles Band. After he left, the J. Giles Band has made a series of solo albums that are better than anything Jay Giles ever did. More rootsy.

[Adam Carolla]

Better than him screaming lights out. Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Dance, dance, dance. Could never be better than him screaming lights out. Dance, dance, dance. It's better than that. Even better. Not lyrically.

[David Wilde]

And the song is a backing vocal. Who. Actually, at the end of it, he sings a little solo by Mick Jagger. Who? Who. I know you think you've had the who versus Rolling Stones discussion. Yes, I'm gonna. This is one reason I think the Stones get the edge on the who is Mick Jagger may be the best. This might be the best background vocal I've ever heard. It's very in the background and then it steps forward. But this is a song called Nothing but the Wheel by Peter Wolf with Mick Jagger. It was originally recorded by a country singer named Patti Loveless. And this version is just beautiful to me. So give it a chance.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Well, I Passed the boulevard out here underneath the stars I've been flying past the houses, farms and fields.

[Matt Besser]

Leaving all.

[Adam Carolla]

I know back home Rushing through the cold night air and holding on to nothing but here comes Mick. Till all at once is head past me and it's. What year is this?

[David Wilde]

This is about 2003. An album called Sleepless. It's on. But all his recent records are like this rootsy and great.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. Wow, that sounds great. It's got a very rolling Stonesy guitar. 1970 something.

[David Wilde]

It's. It's a real. They made it like a great sort of sticky finger country track.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. The track is called Once Again Nothing but the Wheel.

[David Wilde]

And I owe Peter Wolf one too because he. He saved my life once too.

[Adam Carolla]

In Jamaica?

[David Wilde]

No, in Boston. He was trying to interview Van Morrison. Where. Van Morrison, who's one of the bigger psychos. And I love one of my heroes, but a crazy person.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[David Wilde]

I spent a week and a half at his request interviewing him. Him and never spoke to him. And he kept running away from me, literally running away. And the only reason I ever spoke to him was Peter sort of, who was a DJ in Boston when Van was starting out, convinced him to actually say a few words.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. Is Van Morrison just an alcoholic or is he nuts and alcoholic? Or is he just nuts?

[David Wilde]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

You only get three choices. You can be nutty, alcoholic, nuts.

[David Wilde]

I'd say he's sort of the combo platter. All those things with a side of corned beef and cabbage.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. All of it.

[David Wilde]

And also can be great. Can be fascinating. But is definitely not one of the easier interviews that they're. He's one of the more difficult ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can kind of tell the guys that are difficult because you've never seen an interview. I. I don't think I've ever seen a Van Morrison interview.

[David Wilde]

He hadn't spoken to Rolling Stone when. When I did the interview in like I think 12 years and he requested me. He literally. And I got this call saying he wants it to be you. The first time I went to meet him was at the Letterman show. He literally went to shake my hand and ran away. Then I went to Boston, hunted him down for weeks. He ran away every time. He later told. Literally ran. Oh no. The whole thing ends in Harvard Square. We had. Peter Wolf has convinced him to do the interview. We have a whole restaurant where we have a back room with all the food he wants. We've told no one to look at him or talk to him. And I sit to do. I start to ask the first question. I'm looking down at my notepad to look at my first question. Matt Mahern, famous photographer, is waiting in the corner to try to take a snapshot. And I look up and he's running out of the restaurant. And I said, he's a genius, but fuck him, I'm gonna get this interview. I chased him through Harvard Square.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I've sized you up as not having a lot of closing speed. Like I would see you as a run stopper, but not a guy who could turn the corner and apply pressure from the blind side.

[David Wilde]

The record proves I can catch up to Van Morrison. He's good.

[Brian Bishop]

Sideline to sideline. You can cover tight end, but don't ask him.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't put him out on an island with anybody's got wheels.

[Brian Bishop]

Deep third.

[Adam Carolla]

Forgot about it.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, he ducked into a car. Coffee shop. And I just sat down and started asking questions again. And I realized the first eight questions I asked, he said, I don't talk about that. Like, no matter what, I. I don't talk about my life, I don't talk about my music.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[David Wilde]

And I said. And I realized it's like, what would you do in therapy? You'd say, well, why? Why? Let's talk about why you don't want to talk to me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right?

[David Wilde]

So that became the interview. It was. It worked out in the end.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a neat song by Peter Wolf. And go ahead and toss out the. Is it Sleepless?

[David Wilde]

It's on the album Sleepless. But the track you got to get is Nothing but the Wheel. Peter Wolf with Mick Jagger. Just perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had one. And then you reminded me of another one while you were telling me about this one. Because you brought up Bruce Tangent and you brought up backing vocals. Yes. And then it made me think, well, Graham Parker has a song where Bruce does backing vocals on it. And it's a great. You can hear Bruce. You can hear him very clear. I think it's called Endless Night.

[Brian Bishop]

Endless Night.

[Adam Carolla]

Endless Night.

[David Wilde]

This is my co star, Graham Parker.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, we gotta talk about that. You can hear. You can hear Bruce here. I can't bear to see how it.

[Brian Bishop]

All looks in the light.

[Adam Carolla]

If I could only find a switch but turns on the endless night True to Graham.

[David Wilde]

Parker's career at this time, Bruce did the track with Patti Smith. Because the night makes her a superstar. It's everybody, everywhere in the radio makes this song, which is as good as because the Night. This is Graham's song. But Bruce was on this. It was like his Two big sort of collaborations at the time did nothing. It was like the record bombed the track. I think Bruce was mixed a little too low. I think Jimmy Iovine, who was producing both that and Bruce was like, well.

[Adam Carolla]

It should have been called Bruce Springsteen in the Rumor with Graham Parker. So it could have sold a few. But it. It's. It's a great. It's a great harmony. They sound great together.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you like the Dam? Do you know the Dam? Like a band you would like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that. All right, now I gotta play. I love that song now. Yeah, I like this song, too. And Bruce and her sound better. All right. The song. The. The song I came in to play for you was a song that I turned on to when I was in Jamaica. And the only time I was in Jamaica, which is another weird coinky dink. I wasn't thinking about Jamaica. Or maybe I was, but I wasn't thinking about you in Jamaica.

[David Wilde]

People rarely do think about me in Jamaica.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is a song that my buddy Daniel brought with him when it was on one of those compilation, you know, things you get at Starbucks or something, and like, 2002 or 2001. And he played it when we were in Jamaica and he brought up the who as well. And now you got to think about what song this is.

[David Wilde]

I can see for Miles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what's good.

[David Wilde]

One of my favorite songs of all time.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I was, like, listening.

[Matt Besser]

I was like.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember when Starbucks played the.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[David Wilde]

This is brilliant.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of.

[Adam Carolla]

The horns are great. The arrangement's great.

[David Wilde]

I think it's. It's the best song. And what's funny is that I. I always think of it being the best song, partly because it's Roger D' Tre to me, best vocal ever. But this is great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Just listen. Listen to Lord Sitar go at it and the arrow.

[David Wilde]

You know, it's so weird. I was gonna pick this one, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Now do you know Lord?

[David Wilde]

No, no, no. I wish. This is great.

[Adam Carolla]

He rocks a sitar.

[David Wilde]

I did interview Robbie Shankar last year, but this has never met the I was born adjacent. But not.

[Adam Carolla]

This album has, like, a bunch of Beatles songs on it and just a bunch of pop hits from the 60s and 70s. Except for he's just done this to it.

[David Wilde]

This is great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's fucking awesome. Oh, I was drunk off my ass.

[David Wilde]

When you make your Bollywood feature film. Yeah, the Hammer in Bollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

This could be a big, big hit.

[Adam Carolla]

Just sucker for these horns. You ever heard a guy rock out on a sitar? This way.

[David Wilde]

This is. No, this is. This is great. I was pretty nervous. Ravi Shankar is pretty good. And that maybe I interviewed him in George Harrison's house with his wife and kids standing there. And it was for Martin Scorsese's film. I was there for the George Harrison doctor. I was there as like, as a consultant and doing an interview for the day. And that was mind blowing because I worshiped George Harrison.

[Adam Carolla]

I love George Harrison as well. But yeah, I wonder if. And I'll bet you Robbie Shankar and, and. And Lord Sitar probably hate each other for some reason.

[David Wilde]

It's bitter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like.

[David Wilde]

It's like Quiff versus Quake. It's very, very bitter.

[Brian Bishop]

Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Drew hates the guy from House. You know what I mean? Like, they just have to. It's me and Ty Pennington all over again. You know what I mean? All right. Why all the hate? You get all. You get the point. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Can I tell you the funniest competition like that story I ever had was I interviewed Cat Stevens. I did this documentary with him when he about it was the first thing he ever did when he came back to music like 10 years ago. And after spending a day with him, he got comfortable with me and he. In between shots, he called me over, we talked music and somehow we bonded. He goes, let me ask you a question. Is James Taylor still making the same goddamn record every year? Wow. Oh my God. You've gone. You've become the spiritual being, but you're still pissed at the competition.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that my. My point in life is whether you've picked up the Rastafarian religion or you've changed your name to Yosef. Whatever it is, you still hate James Taylor and you still want to fuck the 16 year old down the street. That part they're.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes religion is to negotiate that. It's to deal with your anger, sexuality.

[David Wilde]

It could have deep religious. Because Carly Simon wrote Anticipation about waiting for Cat Stevens for a date. Really? There's history.

[Adam Carolla]

There's history there. No other guest would know that. Also, somebody tweeted me today, sadly, it's the anniversary of the day that Abracadabra was written by Steve Miller. They said today in 1982, I don't know if they knew how, when it was written, but dark today or maybe released. But you felt that weird tension in the air.

[Brian Bishop]

I was wondering what that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Somber.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Overcast and boating.

[David Wilde]

We got Bin Laden. But on the other hand, Yin and Yang, Abracadabra came. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he did in a pretty big way with Abracadabra. All right. David Wilde has a diary of a player, a memoir of a country musician, Brad Paza, available on Amazon as we speak. And when you go to Amazon, what do you do? You click through AdamCarolla.com you hit the banner, you show us a little love and you get yourself a cool paisley wild book. Wild about music is the Twitter and the website huffingtonpost.com DavidWilde always, my friend, a blessing. When you come in, we will take ourselves a quick break. Is it Matt Besser? Matt Besser, Yeah. Matt Besser in studio next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show, Dateline, Winter Park, Florida. A 42 year old man was arrested for peeping over a bathroom st stall in a woman's restroom at Epcot Center. Definitely not a Jew. Ah, yes. Baseball season underway. You want some tickets? You want to get right up there close?

[Brian Bishop]

Good luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Too expensive for anybody.

[Kevin Nealon]

Too expensive for me.

[Adam Carolla]

You make me laugh. Cheap one.

[Brian Bishop]

Why even bothering talking about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Really out of our price range. Yeah, not with scorebig.com Save up to six. How would that sound? Go yoinks. Save up to 60% from the bleachers to the front row.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but maybe baseball's not your bag.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Maybe you want to see some hoops.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe I don't want to see sports in it or anything. Maybe you want to see a concert or.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Our Broadway show. You pick the game, you pick the performance, you pick where you want to sit and you pick your price.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I will.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I tried.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel I haven't given an assignment.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, you pay me $1,000 and I perform. I'm actually on the diamond. I throw the first four innings.

[Brian Bishop]

What'd they say?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Oh, yeah. They're good, but they're not that good.

[Brian Bishop]

Perhaps a less outrageous demand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They're not magicians.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's face it, score big, they'll tell you instantly whether your offer is accepted. And that's all you pay. Go to scorebig.com, click on the radio button, enter in the code Adam. Always less than full price, never any fees. I love that scorebig.com promo code. Adam, Matt Besser. Good to see you.

[Matt Besser]

Big fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Matt Besser]

Longtime listener, first time guest. Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

For founder of UCB everybody, with Amy Poehler and Matt Walsh, who we've had on the show before.

[Matt Besser]

Do you remember the first time we met at the we were filming that commercial that was synchronized swimming for Comedy Central. Do you remember that? They had us inside it.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me.

[Matt Besser]

You were doing a man show ad. We were doing a UCB ad. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We're doing a promo for that. Yes.

[Matt Besser]

And the common denominator was synchronized swimming. Do you not remember that?

[Adam Carolla]

I do remember doing. We didn't do a lot of Comedy Central. Didn't do whole tons of campaigns.

[Matt Besser]

Exactly. So when they do do one, you're like, this is what's gonna represent us.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And I do remember doing the synchronized swimming one. And I think we did one where we went to an old. But at some point they threw us out or something. It's all just like a lifetime ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you guys have to get in the pool?

[Matt Besser]

No. That might have made it a little funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we should have gotten in the pool.

[Allison Rosen]

And they didn't want that. That would not be appropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

So how did you start the UCB theater?

[Matt Besser]

Well, we moved to New York, and we had this improv that we do that was only really done at that point in Chicago. And we started teaching classes, and all these teams wanted us to coach them. And eventually it just became economically sensible.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, Chicago, because of Second City, you think?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

All this kind of improv. You've seen it, right? I think you've done our show, haven't you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

You were in ascat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm trying to. I've done a ton of improv. I'm thinking back, because here's how improv works, okay? There's 11 people in the company, and there's always two people where you go, fuck, I don't want to be on stage with this fucking asshole. Or some chick is. Just.

[Matt Besser]

Because they're a steamroller. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Because steamroller. Well, both. If there were a quiet steamroller, which is like a bad easy listening station. The quiet steamroller. And that's one thing. But they're the person who, like, you're on one knee and lights come up and you've started some physical activity, and they go. And you say to them, bring that wood over here so we can get this fire started. And they go, when are you gonna be done fixing that flat? And you're like, oh, that's right. I'm now jacking up a car. Okay, thank you very much. And then you go, listen, you know, we were married for a lot of years, but now that we're divorced, we're gonna have to figure out a way to get along. And they're like, we're never married. And you're like, oh, fuck, I gotta kill this person. But you're in the middle of the scene. So you now you have. You have your inner dialogue of I'm gonna fucking kill them, and then your outer dialogue of I have to come up with something funny. You ever been in that? You know what I'm talking about?

[Matt Besser]

You know what it makes? It reminds me of, oddly enough, is one time I did mushrooms while improvising. It was a mistake, but it was Halloween. It's like when you do mushrooms, you think mushrooms plus anything is gonna equal fun when you do that one thing. But we did some shrooms that night, and not everyone in our group did psychedelics. So it was like three of us were doing it and four of us weren't. We didn't tell the guys who weren't doing it that we were doing it. But, like, halfway into it, if you ever seen anyone on shrooms, like, or lsd, time slows down. And every second of your life, they're going through five or ten seconds, you know? So I'm on stage and I'm like, is everybody waiting for me to say something? And I got this flop swag. And then one of the guys, you know, the kind of blue collar guys who wasn't doing lsd, pulls me backstage.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, are you fucking tripping right now, man?

[Matt Besser]

You know how you are when you're.

[Adam Carolla]

On drug, that is.

[Matt Besser]

No, man, I'm not with my saucer eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done the mushrooms. Well, a couple things with mushrooms. I always say mushrooms is like fish and chips. Like, you have fish and chips and you go, why the fuck do I wait so long in between fish and chips? Like, this is good shit. I fucking love this. You know what? And then it's like smash cut to nine years later, and you're having your second basket of fish and chips. Like, every time I do mushrooms, I go, this is fucking awesome, man. I should do this more often. And then 10 years goes by, but.

[Matt Besser]

A lot of you never had a bad one.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I've had the. I've had the. Oh, man, I ate a pot brownie and I'm not gonna be able to get out of this for a long time. I've had that one. I've had those kinds of drug experiences. Like, oh, I'm in it for the long haul. I'm not going anywhere. And I wish I could get out. Like, this is like. Like some charity poker game where I wish I could just push all my chips in. Yeah, but, Adam, you have. You have no Pears. And you're a nine high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm putting it all in. Putting it all, putting it all in.

[Allison Rosen]

There should always be an antidote right there, right? In case you made a mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

I think maybe a quart of buttermilk would help even things out, or at least would fall under the couldn't hurt category. But I do want to think the thing where I'm just going, I'm gonna let Vince Vaughn sit here for another three hours, but I'm off this fucking table. But there's nothing. There's no cashing in your chips with mushrooms. You gotta roll up, you gotta roll with it. And there's that element of you never know how it's gonna affect you. So you don't want to make the mistake of taking too little, because why you could deprive yourself of hallucinating.

[Allison Rosen]

And yet have you ever heard anyone regret that mistake of taking too little?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? They don't regret it the next day, but they regret it in the moment when three of their friends are having the fucking time of their life and they're going, I'm not rolling, man.

[Matt Besser]

I'm just watching really high. They've been on it for 45 minutes. Like, I think I can take some more.

[Adam Carolla]

So I've had. But I've had that thing where people go, I want to get really high in mushrooms and go to Disneyland. And I'm like, I got Disneyland going on in my frontal lobe right now. Like, the whole reason I see it's Disneyland or mushrooms for me, I don't. This I'm getting. I'm here on this futon, staring at the ceiling. I got all the Disneyland I need right here in my apartment. That's why mushrooms are great.

[Allison Rosen]

Poor man's with $70 to spare.

[Adam Carolla]

Shrooms, right?

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, I did do LSD and go to Disney. What's in LA or California land? I went to Disneyland. But you think it's going to be the greatest thing ever.

[Adam Carolla]

But what you.

[Matt Besser]

You start focusing on. I started focusing on the negative. What's the name of the big Matterhorn? Yeah, the Matterhorn. I start seeing all the cracks in the Matterhorn.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what'll happen. Disney's seedy underbelly going out and doing improv. High on mushrooms seems just like a horrible idea. Unless the audience is high on mushrooms and then it seems like a great idea. And where'd you meet Amy Poehler? Ucb?

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, we all met in Chicago at this place called the Improv Olympics. Matt Walsh, Gene Roberts, and Amy Poehler. She's a little bit younger than us. She came around about four years after we started, but that's where we started. And then we decided we want to have a. We want to be like kids in the hall, have our own sketch show. So we moved to New York. And then the theater wasn't really a plan. It just kind of organically happened.

[Adam Carolla]

We did the improv. We had this weird thing where our improv troupe, which was Acme at the time, took on the improv Olympics. And, like, you know that. You know, it's like it was sort of like a fat white guy version of you've been served. You know what I mean? Like, if you couldn't dance. Yeah, you got served. Yeah, bring it on. Like, if you couldn't dance, but you could talk and sit on blocks, black blocks. It was that version of that. And who judges something like that? I think the audience or something. I went over to the other team because they were, like, shorthanded, and then we won. So it was this weird thing where, like, we're driving home and everyone's kind of pissed off that, like, we got beat. Except for I didn't get beat because I played on their team. I took it. I took it as a victory. I took it as a w. The movie, by the way, freak Dance is.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

Speaking of.

[Adam Carolla]

Of. Bring it on tour starts May 9th through the 22nd. How's that? Or you can go online. By the way, Freakdancemovie.com find it in a theater near you. Amy Poehler's in this one. Timmy Meadows in this one. Lots of. Oh, Horatio Sands. I just did a Disney cartoon. I just saw Horatio Sands two days ago, or yesterday, actually, and I wanted to say to Horatio Sands, who was wearing glasses and had a beard, are you this. Are you. Have you always been this not fat? Or do you just seem fat because you have a big head? Or did you lose weight? I don't know what the.

[Matt Besser]

You know, he lost, like, 80 to £100 at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something. But on the other hand, everyone's head looks big on TV now. He had a beard, so I wasn't sure. His head still was kind of big, but he's lost weight a lot.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah. At the end of snl, he was pretty bad. He was pretty obese there, and he knew it, and I think it was affecting his health in obvious ways. So he just. He went hardcore. No more drinking and eating a lot better, and he lost a ton of weight.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what was weird is we were Hanging out, doing this Disney vo. And. Oh, yeah, I guess he did drop a couple. I didn't know what to say. But we were just. And it was nicely catered. And I knew it looked like he lost 80 or 100 pounds. And it's this weird thing where it's like. Like. But I saw him reaching for scone, and it's like, if you want to judge, like, well, that's not going to get you any further to your goal weight. Like, I, Like, I didn't know what to say, but he's a totally nice guy. And then I was like, well, why can't he eat a scone? And by the way, just throw it up when he gets home or whatever his regimen is. Yeah, if he's smart, but.

[Matt Besser]

So you tell him, go ahead and eat that scone.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking scone. Yeah, yeah. We played. We played cops that were shaped like pastries or donuts in some new.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe he was just getting into character.

[Matt Besser]

Method act.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what's this movie about?

[Matt Besser]

Well, you know the movie the Warriors? Right. You must have grown up on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I did.

[Matt Besser]

And that's about gangs in New York. So picture the warriors, but instead of gangs, they're dance crews. Is that fair enough?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. We're just talking about this.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, exactly. No, it's. It's a parody of all dance movies, but it's. It's. I hate to say parody because there's so many lame parody movies out these days. And I think that's what people think about, but I think it's more like a rock. What Rocky Horror did for Frankenstein, you know, we kind of created our own world. Dance world.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you shoot it on? Red camera. That's what everyone tells me. Yeah. So it's a digital.

[Matt Besser]

That's the fancy but cheap way to shoot movies these days, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Shot digitally.

[Matt Besser]

13 days. We used real dance crews. Instead of a bunch of fat white guys trying to dance, we. We got real dance crews from America's best dance crew. And so you think you can dance. So we have legitimate dancing in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The dance crew thing, it feels like there was something that was around in the 80s and then it went away, and then they got the band back together.

[Brian Bishop]

The 90s were not good years for Dance Cruise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. A lot of guys going solo. So that is out May 9th through the 22nd.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, we're gonna be touring up the. Starting the south and going up the east coast with that. And I'll be touring with the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Shall we do a Little news. Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

The White House Correspondent's Dinner was Saturday. We talked a bit about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Live show hosted by your friend Jimmy Kimmel. And we have some clips to discuss.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

First of all, Obama mentioned the man show.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody tweeted me that. Or a few people tweeted me that I didn't. Then I caught the last five minutes of Obama and all of Jimmy, and I thought, you know, it's got to suck. My first thought was, Jesus Christ, I'd be a nervous wreck doing this if I was Jimmy. And then I thought, what would make this a lot easier is if you had Jimmy Carter, maybe Gerald Ford or, hell, Abe Lincoln doing it before you, where the guy wasn't a barrel of laughter. But this guy's charismatic and he's pretty good at it. And in this day and age, if you're gonna be a president, you're gonna have to be good on camera, good on your feet, and you have to be a good orator. Like, there's just no more AM radio crackling, you know, people around it. You gotta go on the Tonight show and be delightful, you know, and he has good writers. Like, he's done this stuff before. He's on his. What the. Heard one of these things. Is that right? He's done Obama.

[Allison Rosen]

This is four.

[Adam Carolla]

So the point is, if you're a comedian and you're gonna, you know, if you're doing a roast and you're gonna go on after comedian, you don't want that comedian to kill.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you're gonna go on and not be as good as the person who went on before you. But if that person who's on before you is the President of the United States and he's fucking funnier than you are, you are fucked. So what you're.

[Matt Besser]

He's gonna kill you on explaining the Federal Reserve, so you gotta beat him in comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you. What you want is this guy to be, like, a little stiff and a little stilted and not quite that good, then you go, let the pro. But what you don't want is someone going, fucking president was funnier than Kimmel was, in which case you're totally fucked. So when I saw Obama's last five, six minutes, and he was killing, I was like, oh, fuck, Kimmel. You got your work cut out for you now.

[Allison Rosen]

Kimmel said, the most terrified I've ever been was the first time I went on Letterman. This was number two. And he also said, it's just a very strange room. One person told me afterward they were scared to laugh at a joke because they were sitting next to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who I didn't even realize was there.

[Adam Carolla]

We've all been there.

[Allison Rosen]

She didn't want him to see her laughing at a joke I made about him. Half the people on any given joke have to keep the laughter to themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Those sounds terrible. I feel the same way. But in clubs, should we listen to Brock?

[David Wilde]

Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel, who is perfect for the job.

[Adam Carolla]

Since most of tonight's audience is in.

[David Wilde]

His key demographic, people who fall asleep during Nightline. Jimmy got his start years ago on the Man Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Wilde]

In Washington, that's what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.

[Adam Carolla]

If I had nerve endings, I'd really feel something right now.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't feel anything. Just a deadness, a nothingness?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I don't know what to make of life anymore. But people tweeted me, and they're like, hey, Barack Obama mentioned your show. And I was like, there you go. And then went right back to complaining.

[Allison Rosen]

You'Re a clue on Jeopardy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, they didn't get it, so that was a slap in the face. By the way, Cousin Sal was there with James Baby Doll Dixon, my agent. James Baby Doll Dixon proudly represented four or five people who have done this job, not President of the United States. And so he goes to every one of them. And because Cousin Sal is Cousin Sal and he has to fuck with Dixon all the time, that's all he does is fuck with Dixon. Like, when Dixon comes to town, Dixon always pays for the dinner. When we go to the fancy steak place, and at some point, Dixon says he's going to go out and smoke a cigarette, and he walks out. And then Cousin Sal orders, like, nine filet mignons to go and put it on his thing, and he'll give away four to the tables around him and just. Sal has to fuck with Baby Doll Dixon. And he literally went to. He was taking his picture with, I guess, Obama. Mike, you tell me the story if I'm screwing it up. I was talking to Daniel about it yesterday. Jimmy, I just emailed him, told him I was watching it, and he was killing it. I was loving it. It was weird. I was like, I was nervous for him. And it was funny. And I was like, I was. I was really impressed by it and it was just amazing. But he was telling me that Cousin Sal is basically fucking with Dixon. And do we have something? Yeah. When they were in line for their photographs, Sal and Dixon were together. And Sal leans over to Obama and says, I voted for you. Baby Doll over here didn't. But Baby Doll had to overcompensate. And Michelle. Well, you'll have a chance this year, you know, to Baby Doll and I. Yeah. And before Baby Doll had a chance to explain himself. So come on, pull them off. We have, I think. And we will have some footage of that at some point. I think Daniel has it, by the way, Mike. I told him to send it to me, but I haven't got it yet. So we'll. We'll track that down. You know what? Looks like James, Baby Doll Dixon could use some representation in the legal department. Like Legal Zoom. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

He'd be fortunate.

[Kevin Nealon]

It.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You should start your own business. How about that? Let me give you five reasons why you need to start your [e-mail]. number one, you want to succeed in your startup. You want to keep the costs down. Lawyers average. What do you think, Brian?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's got to be at least a hundred bucks, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Try more.

[Brian Bishop]

150 if you want them all day. Fine. 200.

[Adam Carolla]

295 an hour. 295 bucks an hour. And that's for the fair to Midland ones. Yeah. You don't want to throw your money away. You go to legalzoom.com you get the peace of mind with LegalZoom. They have a $50,000 guarantee and business legal plans, Legal Zoom, free accounting software, free domain names and more. They'll support you. You support them, they support us. LegalZoom.com. that is LegalZoom.com. all right. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

And also, Jimmy Kimmel made a joke at Keith Olbermann's expense and then Overman tweeted something back. And we have that joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we have the clip. Oh, well, while we dig that up, why don't we say be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout for more savings for LLCs and corporations, DBA trademarks and more trust legalzoom.com. legalZoom is not a law firm and self help services are provided at your specific direction. A couple jokes, just remembering. And we'll pull up those clips.

[Allison Rosen]

If we don't have it, I can tell you what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

I liked the one I don't know why? Just because it was true. Like, he was talking about Rush Limbaugh and Bill Maher, and he basically said, the difference between the fans is Bill Maher's fans know he's an asshole. Rush Limbaugh's done jokes are always good when they're true. Like, I do feel like Bill Maher fans know he's an asshole. We don't have Oberman.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, well, what happened was Kimmel said that if everyone looks under their seat, they'll find a resume from Keith Olbermann.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the. Is that that.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so then he tweeted, funny that Jimmy Kimmel ripped me after his people desperately wanted me to fly to LA to be on his show this past Wednesday.

[Brian Bishop]

Desperately.

[Matt Besser]

So desperately.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think it's ripped either.

[Adam Carolla]

I think everyone can agree Keith Olbermann's an asshole, and then you support it. Then when you do these kinds of things.

[Allison Rosen]

And then he said, I'm fair game. I'm complaining about the revenge element. It reminds me of O'Reilly. Kimmel said, I didn't even know they asked him to be on the show. The way I look at it, he's a major political figure in broadcasting over the past year, and jokes had to be made about him. I guess he took it the wrong way. I'll call over or something and clear it up.

[Adam Carolla]

We just have to clear anything up. Like, Oberman's a douche. And here's the thing. Here's how you know Keith Olman's a douche. I have no interaction with him. It's just everyone seems to agree he's a douche. Thus he's a douche. It's the Jeremy Piven syndrome. You know, when everyone you've worked with goes, that guy's a douche, then we'll take your word for it. All right, do we have any clips from.

[Allison Rosen]

I think there was a series of marijuana jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right. I do have one real question for you, Mr. President.

[David Wilde]

What's with the marijuana crackdown? I mean, seriously, what is the concern? We will deplete the nation's Funyun supply. You know, pot smokers vote, too. Sometimes a week after the election, but they vote. Let's take a quick poll. I would like everyone in this room to raise your hand if you've never smoked pot.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Look at Brit Hume.

[David Wilde]

He's high right now. He's on his fourth almond macaroon. Mr. President, I hope you don't think I'm out of line here. But marijuana is something that real people care about. And the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner when he tells you he still has control of his party leads me.

[Adam Carolla]

To believe that you must be smoking some crazy great weed yourself. Very uncomfortable smile from Barack Obama.

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty comfortable, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Yeah. So here's the question, Oz. I loved it. It was fun. It was surreal. And it was funny for me because I was just sitting around and I'm watching Jimmy and I'm getting the reason it was literally came on. We were playing the Jon Lovitz Theater, that night club that is. And it was like 7:35, 7:40, whatever the time was. And Jimmy was just kind of finishing his set, and we had a show at 8 o' clock at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club.

[Allison Rosen]

Podcast theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast theater. And I thought, great, he's sitting next to Barack Obama and I'm heading off to Lovitz's podcast theater to entertain 189 people. This is awesome. There's quite a contrast here. But it was, it was. It was this thing where it was sold out. It was sold out. I was. I was so. It was like. It was the last thing I was gonna see before I felt like I needed some sort of loser palette cleanser, like Pauly Shore doing an infomercial or something. So I could have felt a little better, like, yeah, I'm Pauly Shore for the wonder Mop or something. I went, all right, now I'm feeling good about what I'm going on.

[Brian Bishop]

You should have googled Ricky Rackman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're right. Should have done it. Should have done it immediately.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone should have a loser palate cleanser on hand just for those kind of situations. We also, if you want to see the Mar joke, we have that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay if we do. Yeah, I like that. Hey, is that slut Rush Limbaugh here?

[David Wilde]

People are still upset with the Rush for comments he made about Sandra Fluke. But you know what? There's a reason Mr. Limbaugh said what he said, and that reason is Percocet set. And by the way, just to clear things up for the extreme right wingers, here's the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh.

[Adam Carolla]

The people who watch Bill Maher know he's an. Wow. Beeped out. It's funny. I was watching it on, like, I don't know. I wasn't. I don't think it was C Span. It was just on like, cnn and they didn't beep out asshole. What did they do beep it out on the Internet or something?

[Allison Rosen]

Mike lynch chose to beep it. It offended his sensibilities.

[Brian Bishop]

What an asshole.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Come on, Lynch.

[Allison Rosen]

So a female dentist in Poland, which sounds like the beginning of a joke, is under investigation for allegedly pulling out all her ex boyfriend's teeth. The now gummy fellow showed up because he had a toothache. Days after the two split, the dentist is quoted as saying, I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there, I just thought, what a bastard. And decided to take all his teeth out. The guy woke up with his mouth bandaged and thought something was wrong because he couldn't feel his teeth. She told him he was just numb, but when he got home, he couldn't believe it. He says, the bitch had emptied my mouth. In his native Polish, I'm assuming.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And his new girlfriend apparently already left him because she can't be seen with someone who looks like that. So the dentist faces loss of her license and jail time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would like it if she just got jail time. Like you can still practice dentistry just in the joint? Yeah. You may keep your license, by the way. What are you going to do with your license when you're in the joint?

[Allison Rosen]

Pull out the teeth of your.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd ironically let them keep. You have no tools or anything? You don't have a dentist chair?

[Matt Besser]

I would think women would like toothless man. That must be amazing. Cunnilingus with no teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Matt Besser]

Vagina eaten.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I feel like. See, I feel like the errant teeth are more of a problem when the woman is performing oral sex than the guy is. And I don't know if she can tell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good perspective to have there.

[Allison Rosen]

So like. So that begs the question, are you guys looking for a toothless woman? Well, because might I suggest my friend Marge.

[Adam Carolla]

I focus on the back door and every tooth in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Wouldn't it be weird if there were one? That'd be so unfortunate.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be. And you were high and I might vomit. And you were high in mushrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be fucking horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never done mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you haven't lived.

[Allison Rosen]

Quite possibly I have not.

[Adam Carolla]

Who said that? You're dead to me. Yeah, you have to do mushrooms, but I don't think you'd be good on mushrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's why I haven't. I'm better with the powdery drugs. I don't do anything anymore. But.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's certain. There's certain Drugs that aren't good for certain personality types. And you'd get too overly analytical.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm already on shrooms.

[Matt Besser]

Not on shrooms. Certain drugs change personalities, too. Like shrooms and acid.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, what if it changed it in a worse way, though?

[Matt Besser]

Oh, I always think it's good. I think shrooms. You should go out in the middle of the woods with the people you trust and do it once.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Kill you and devour your corn. Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

Miller's Crossing.

[Allison Rosen]

There's things about it that appeal to me, but then there's just so much fear. And it's like, I feel like the doors of my perception have been blown open before and nothing good can happen.

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you what good will come of it if you get high on mushrooms. We. And it's all in the new book, by the way, not Taco Bell material. Out. Available for pre order on Amazon if you, like, go through the website. I do talk about taking mushrooms in that. And one of the things that you don't realize is in life, you have to tune out so much. You have to tune out maybe 95% of what's going on. Otherwise it's too insane. There's too much to drink.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Too much information.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a combination of. Of what's going on internationally. You know, it's like, you hear those stories and it's like, oh, a woman was stoned to death because she asked a question. And it's like, oh. And there's part of you that goes, huh, it's fucking horrible. But immediately you move on. You go, I'm thirsty. And you move on to something else. And then you hear about these stories, some of these horrible atrocities. You realize how much we need to block out of our life, including almost every single thing you put in your mouth. Like, where the fuck did this come from? Where did this travel from? Who handled this? Who's back in the kitchen? Who's out in the field? Who's driving the truck? Your head would explode. And you realize, I must tune out. And we as Americans do a fantabulous job of tuning out. And we focus on stuff like, hey, them Dodgers looking good. They're looking good. They're off to a hell of a start.

[Allison Rosen]

The polar bear died.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right. So we're gonna focus on that. Not all.

[Allison Rosen]

Which was a tragedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not the millions of bed mites that are running around in our fucking mattress right now. And all this kind of shit that would freak you out. So you have to do that. It's sort of like, when you drive your car and you've owned your car for a number of years, you don't think about, like, oh, where are the lights? Where's the signal? Where's the indicator? Like, you just know. Your hands just start moving and your mind is a million miles away. I mean, you're just driving your car, thinking about a million things. Things. It's just all mechanical. Muscle memory. Well, your whole life, emotionally, can go into a muscle memory sequence as well. Like, you don't realize when you get up in the morning, I bet you brush your teeth. The exact amount of strokes on the right side and the left side. You probably do the exact same thing. Rinse your mouth, do whatever. You're out the door, door's locked, alarm on, down the driveway, away from the house, whatever it is. And you haven't even used your brain yet. And when you get high on mushrooms, it all gets taken away. Like, you must stop and look around. You must examine everything.

[Matt Besser]

So you enjoy every stroke of the toothbrush?

[Adam Carolla]

Not necessarily. But you do appreciate it. Like, you do. Like, you do go like this.

[Matt Besser]

This thing is well designed. These toothbrushes. Never really thought about that. They really do.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that weird little unicorn horn at the end for picking up my gums. No, I mean, you. You get high in mushrooms, and you sit there and you turn on the TV and you go, this thing got filmed somewhere in Burbank, bounced up off a satellite which is orbiting our globe at 22,000 miles an hour, and then shot back down to my TV set, this image.

[Matt Besser]

So you're not even enjoying the show, you're just enjoying how the show got there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this image of Charlie sheen has traveled 44,000 miles before it got to my eyeballs.

[Allison Rosen]

And then are you like, is it the drugs that are making me think this way, or do I always think this way? But it's just the drugs that have made me open to this kind of thought anytime I get super stoned. That's what I always got stuck in that loop of thinking. Am I always aware of all this stuff and usually I block it out, or am I suddenly aware of it because I'm on drugs? I would like to share this thought with someone, but I can't talk. Yeah, that was always me, Stone, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to be shut down to those kinds of thoughts. It's the way your mind would work if you weren't indoctrinated into this society. You know, you get whatever culture, whatever society you're in, whatever. You look at other cultures and you go, oh, how could they do that? Well, they can do it because that's their culture. That's what they're in.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe we need to give shrooms to them.

[Adam Carolla]

It wouldn't hurt.

[Matt Besser]

You mean like when you go to Greece or something, you're like, why is everyone napping all day?

[Adam Carolla]

You mean like that?

[Matt Besser]

Like, how does this country operate?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we figured it out.

[Matt Besser]

Oh, and they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Just when you see them eating something you would never eat or acting a way you would never act, you're like, wow, what's up with this? Well, if you were born into the middle of that, then you'd be, what's up with it? You know, so it pulls you out of your mindset and your society, and then you just become this person that's standing on the planet looking at everything with fresh eyeballs.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I feel like without drugs, I have many moments like that of just sort of disorientation or things all of a sudden turning surreal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's part of that is being smart and being analytical or coincidence. But, yes, it's you thinking about things and you being slightly more evolved than the average guy that's just sitting in the bleacher screaming his head off. For a bunch of multimillionaires from the Dominican Republic.

[Allison Rosen]

A bottle of.

[Adam Carolla]

And yes, I'm talking about improvisational theater.

[Allison Rosen]

A bottle of the world's oldest beer has gone on sale on ebay. And as of writing this, it was 155,000. Oh, wow. That's where it is. $155,000. Or if you want to just buy it now, I think it's like, 85,000.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey.

[Allison Rosen]

Free shipping. And it's. Well, they say that, but then there's all these hidden charges. It's a sealed bottle of Allsopp's arctic Ale from 1852.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. The auction has ended, I'm told.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. Oh, it's okay. So then it sold for 155,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's nice.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder if the person is going to drink it or just look at it. Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

Does beer get better with age?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it goes skunky. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So Arctic Ale was originally brewed for the rescue mission of famed British explorer Sir John Franklin. This same recipe was brewed again five years later. And this bottle is from that batch.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss that mindset where, like, somebody's like, look, somebody's got to get in there and rescue those people. Now let's get drunk. Like, I mean, like, and not just.

[Allison Rosen]

On any beer, but we need to make up A special batch.

[Adam Carolla]

We need a shitload of rum so we can go discover some new shit.

[Allison Rosen]

And if you think about how long things took back then, if I were the person who needed rescuing, I'd be like, how about we just drink beer after?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. We'll celebrate my rescue.

[Allison Rosen]

It's gonna add four months to it.

[Adam Carolla]

With a cold one. Speaking of cold, I can't feel my feet. So let's get moving.

[Matt Besser]

Hurry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Show up in the next month.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. $155,000. I think I would if I bought that beer. I would probably go on like the Tonight show and shotgun it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, just do something funky and weird with it.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, if you were the person who had that potato chip collection, you'd eat the one that looked like Mini Pearl.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd make a beer bong.

[Matt Besser]

Or how about just put it in your fridge with other beers you have guests over and one accidentally drinks and just get really mad at him.

[Adam Carolla]

That cost me $155,000, you asshole.

[Allison Rosen]

And would you even keep it in your house? Well, I mean, where else would you keep it? Safe deposit box. I just answered my own dumb question.

[Adam Carolla]

But still deep inside Cheyenne Mountain, what's.

[Allison Rosen]

The most expensive thing you've ever consumed?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Well, this is first off, a toothless woman. It's almost as expensive as Anchor Steel. So that's all I know because that was always the most expensive beer I've ever seen. Like, you ever go to like father's office in Santa Monica and get like a pitcher of Ankersteam? It's like $41.

[Brian Bishop]

It's fucking great beer, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great, but I think.

[Allison Rosen]

But worth that much.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just expensive. Like Anchorsteam always struck when I was poor. When I was poor, you'd have to make those decisions. Like, look, I gotta get buzzed, but I'm on a budget here. And the guy who showed up with the Anchor Steam, that was always like, oh, fuck. Fucking guys. Literally. Ship came in. Like, look out. You know, pardon the pun. But ship came in like, that guy's doing great. He's got Anchor Steam. I'm drinking Lucky Lager, Milwaukee's worst or whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Lucky log at the one with the puzzle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, those are fine underneath the caps. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I got bad news for you now. Sorry to interrupt. Anchor Steam is very mid priced, especially for father's office. They have beers that are probably. Pull up a menu PDF and there's like $30 for a 12 ounce, like, bottle of beer.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I'm asking the wrong person. Brian. What's the most expensive thing you've consumed?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that monkey brain once.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's good, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Hella good.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably nothing crazy. I'm like, adam, I don't like to waste. You know what I mean? I'll get something nice, but I can't afford the nicest.

[Adam Carolla]

The. You know, I've never really done. I mean, I've done that thing where I've gone out to Nobu and, you know, somebody else is paying for the sushi, like William Morris is paying for the sushi. So you just try to ring it up.

[Matt Besser]

Baby Doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Baby Doll's paying for the sushi. And you see if you can get to, you know, 1200 bucks or something like that. Like, I've done that. Yeah, Baby Doll's paying for sushi. Yeah. But if I go to cut, I'll get the Kobe, but I'll get the American stuff. Because I'm like, ah, come on, right?

[Matt Besser]

You guys remember when Coors used to be a fancy beer when I was a child? One from the South, Banquet Beer, and they used to drive out of state to go get Coors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I found out the story behind that. You know, the whole smoking the Bandit, you know, driving out of state, you're like, why can't you bring beer from one state? Like, what was it? What's the. What's the beer situation with Coors? That's me on tour. I went to. I went to Golden, Colorado, to investigate.

[Allison Rosen]

And he was on assignment.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said it once, I've said it again. You know, skinny blonde chicks don't know shit about anything. And this chick ran the tour at the Coors company. She ran the tour at the Coors company. And first thing out of my mouth was, what's up with the whole smoking the Bandit thing? Like, why couldn't they take the tour? And she was like, who? And I was like, that's gotta be.

[Matt Besser]

The most popular question.

[Adam Carolla]

I said like, don't you. I asked you like 5,000 times today. She's like, I'm not familiar with that one. I said, smoking the Bandit? No. I said, there's an entire Burt Reynolds movie loosely based around your beer.

[Brian Bishop]

Who's Burt Reynolds?

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, no.

[Matt Besser]

Dom DeLuise's best friend?

[Adam Carolla]

No fucking idea what I was talking about. I think I asked her about three questions.

[Matt Besser]

She's never drank even a beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Look how else she shaved. Fucking idea what. What she was doing. And there's this great. There's this great point in the tour where she said that they've been. It's really a cool place. It's right nestled in the mountains there, and it's at the bottom of Colorado, Rocky Mountain spring water and all this kind of stuff. And it's like, we can only manufacture Coors here because it's the only source of pure Rocky Mountain spring water. And it's all about the water. And that's why we're here, and that's why we've been here for 150 years, and that's why we can never leave here. We do have another plant in St. Louis. And I said, oh, well, how do you get this Rocky Mountain spring water to St. Louis? And she said, turns out the municipal water in St. Louis, almost the same.

[Matt Besser]

And I was like, there's only two places on earth in the Rocky Mountains in the municipal reservoir parts of St. Louis.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yes, that's exactly what she said. So that and that. But what the fuck were you talking about? Oh, yeah, she didn't know. Smoking the wine. All right, pasteurization. Coors is not pasteurized. And other states have laws that your beer has to be pasteurized.

[Matt Besser]

So that means they heat it up to get rid of the germs, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're in, I don't know what state it was, Arkansas or wherever it was, and the guy wanted Texarkana or wherever the fuck he was and he wanted his beer, they're like, you cannot bring other unpasteurized beer. We will not sell Coors because it's not pasteurized.

[Matt Besser]

We don't want beer bugs in our state.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what's going on. And the best thing they make is this local brew, like number 32 or something. And it's this fucked up thing where you go, you do the sampling and you go, oh, ooh, this one's delightful. Like, you go, oh, that's one. That's our local brew. And they're like, oh, where do I get this? Like, it's only available to hear to people. It's like, that's awesome. Pick the fucking one I like the best. And you don't sell it anywhere now.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to move there.

[Matt Besser]

Well, here in East St. Louis, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So here's the part of the news where I make us watch an adorable video. A man found a newborn fawn on the doorstep of his parents home in Pacific Grove, California. And he posted this clip, which has gone viral. And there's no sound. So we're gonna have to talk about it. But I bring it up because look at it. There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little fawn sleeping New Orleans right by the front door. He was originally filming his cat.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's a cat.

[Adam Carolla]

The cat's gotta feel like, hey, one of my chopped liver over here. Like, the cat's like, hey, what about love? Where are we going with the camera man over here? Who rubs up against your shin? Not the fawn.

[Allison Rosen]

Who does the crazy eight pattern in between your legs. Not that Bambi bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

So now he's walking up on the fawn, which is adorable and tiny.

[Allison Rosen]

It looks like a doorstopper. And evidently, originally he called nine one. Oh, my God. Originally he called nine one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I love kids.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, but I'd rather just have sex with a deer. Originally, he called 911 because he was worried about the fawn, and they presumably said, why the fuck are you calling us? Yeah, we deal with humans, right?

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He thought there was something wrong with it. And then the deer's mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus they misunderstood him. Henry Winkler can take care of himself. He's a big boy.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I said fawn.

[Adam Carolla]

He can take care of himself. Listen, I'm a big fan as well, but he can take care of himself. Oh, there's mama.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So there's the mom and the baby and the cat going on in this video.

[Matt Besser]

So the mom is, like, across the street eating grass from the neighbor who won't cut their grass.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Opposite of a helicopter. Deer mom.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's the cat.

[Allison Rosen]

Cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. You know what I like about cats? Cats are basically nature's snipers. They're like, I'm gonna find some ground, some high ground on top of the fridge. Or I'm gonna tuck myself inside of a truck tire parked against a curb. Like, if they had a hat, they would turn it backwards. Like they. They. Like they crawl on their elbows. They find a spot and they go, this is a place where I got some cover. Like, I can't be attacked from behind or above. Or like, cats don't do that thing where they go like dogs. Dogs are basically like suicide bombers. They're like, I'm just gonna go lay out in the middle of town.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And sacrifice myself. Like, dogs fall sleep in the middle of the street.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's my balls? That's a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Cats. Cats are like, I'm gonna find myself a corner and some height and some shit where I can sit here. And I know there's nothing behind me, and there's nothing my right, nothing my left.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, cats tuck in right and if I need to, I can just drop down and scare the hell out of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, cats do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Fridge. Not a bad place to hang, you know what I mean? If I had a little more chutzpah, I'd hang out on top of my fridge.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you hang out on a rafter, though? Because cats do that too. I think they're just showing off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if there wasn't a fridge around, I might find a rafter. But I feel like almost nothing bad could go wrong. Happen to you. When you're on top of a refrigerator, you never hear about what happened to your. Oh, man, he got up on that fridge, and that's the last river saw him. No flood breaks out.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst. Could be a lot of dust.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a little dusty.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't speak for the top of your refrigerator. Mine's dusty.

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, it's the refrigerator boxes, which are dangerous, not refrigerators.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right, because you have to climb into one, like in Punky Brewster.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, it's one of those things where refrigerator boxes are great for sliding down grass hills when you're a kid, if you ever do that, ever do that grass hill slide thing where you get in, like, big old cardboard box and, like, three people, but then later on when you're living out of one, it's bad times.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you ever do the thing where you took wax paper to any kind of slide and made it super slippery and then slid down? Go back in time and do that. It's pretty fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just get high on mushrooms and do it. I don't have to go back in time.

[Allison Rosen]

Although, where do they even have slides anymore?

[Adam Carolla]

They got rid of all the slides and all the diving boards. And how come homeless people never have cats? That just goes to show you how much smarter cats are. Are than dogs. Because, like, dogs are like, you're hobo, fine. Let's hook up and ride the rails. And the cat's like, fuck that noise. No way I'm going.

[Matt Besser]

I can be homeless on my own.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't need your fucking bum beard ass to be homeless. I can do my own thing. Yeah, I got a fucking nice place with some, you know, like, 800 thread count sheets and some air conditioning. I got a nice fridge to get on top of. Yeah, fuck this. And I'm not putting that bandana on. That's gas.

[Allison Rosen]

The minute John was foreclosed upon, Garfield would have been out of there. Not Odie.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Odie.

[Allison Rosen]

But regarding the hobos and the dogs thing, this is kind of like how people who shouldn't have kids have a buttload of them, but ones who should don't. I don't have a dog, but I think that I'd be a good dog owner.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, and yet I feel like every homeless person is probably not providing a wonderful life for Fido there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's this sort of catch 22, which is, if you don't. If you don't think you're responsible enough and not in a position to provide to the fullest of your ability for a child, then you probably should have a kid. But if you think, fuck it, I'm not pulling out. I'm just gonna knock up everyone I can and fuck it, then. That's why we're in trouble.

[Allison Rosen]

I need to go have a kid and get a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

I just, like, see and take shrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

All at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

I see a homeless guy with a cat just once. Cats would never go along with that.

[Allison Rosen]

But I do feel like if a homeless guy had a cat, it would live curled up on his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

That's where the cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Daniel Boone's hat.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, a cat skin hat, but also with a whole live, warm cat attached. Okay, so there's a story that came out of Mexico that was saying that Octomom was about to be beat by Nueve Mom, a woman who claimed to be. I say claimed, though, because there's a twist. But she said that she was pregnant with nine babies, or, as she's known.

[Adam Carolla]

In Mexico, an average teen.

[Allison Rosen]

Carla Vanessa Perez. And she was also dubbed Nanomom. And she was expected to be delivering six girls and three boys via C section on May 20. So I was gonna say that this whole competitive live birth thing is something I want to get into.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Deck them off. But then this has already been debunked, and the bitch is not even pregnant.

[Matt Besser]

She just looks gordo to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Extra cheese. Yeah, she looks like she gave birth to a couple dozen churros, and that's about it.

[Matt Besser]

Why did everyone believe her? She just came out and said, I got nine.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe that's how news works there.

[Matt Besser]

No fact checking.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Or here, apparently.

[Matt Besser]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, no, I've debunked. Okay, I'm picking up on the debunking. Yeah, yeah, but this is still being reported as news. And then she was quoted as saying it's too early to. Oh, and by the way, she already has triplets, but she had an operation after. According to her mom had an operation after the triplets, so she can't even get pregnant again. I'm assuming, you know, her tube's tied or a hysterectomy. But anyway, she was quoted as saying it's too early to think about the baby's names first. We hope everything goes well. The pregnancy was normal. Although now I have got an internal injury from the triplet Caesarean. But we are confident the birth will go well. So she's just insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and also, I mean, to be fair, the sonogram involves an abalone shell that's tied to the end of a bullwhip. So it's not exactly high science. There's no real way in Mexico to prove you're pregnant. That much I know. That much I know.

[Allison Rosen]

You just have to wait.

[Adam Carolla]

So she's just a fat chick. She's got a couple rolls of kids there. All right, so.

[Allison Rosen]

So she's full of shit.

[Matt Besser]

Say there's a translation problem. And she thinks kid means fat roll.

[Adam Carolla]

I think somebody this whole, like, I wish, you know, there's certain things, like a lot of people have a memory of walking in on their parents fucking. Thank God my parents were never intimate except for the time they conceived me and my sister. Like, literally, they hated each other's guts. They're both sort of physically repulsive. I think they both agreed that it would be embarrassing and a step backwards for either one of them to have sex with either one of them. And there was zero closeness or passion between the two of them. Thank Christ. So there's never any of those moments where I walked in and my dad was like, balls deep, just working the shit out of my mom. Cause I don't believe it ever happened. But we all have those memories that we can't rinse from our brain. Yeah.

[Matt Besser]

It is burned. I only did it once and it is. I can totally visualize it. It is burning.

[Adam Carolla]

You saw my parents fucking? It was just your parents? Just my mom and dad.

[Matt Besser]

What am I doing here?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm nine. Where am I? I thought I was supposed to be on the east Coast. No. What. So what happened?

[Matt Besser]

We were on vacation in Florida and. I don't know, I wanted to go to the beach. And I opened the door of the their room and he was on top. And boom. And it only probably lasted three seconds, but it still burned there.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? You mean your dad came that fast? Or you got out of there, so. And what. How old do you think you were? 10? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they say anything at any point?

[Kevin Nealon]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I put the chair up against.

[Matt Besser]

Probably always about the same.

[Adam Carolla]

So we. We wish and everyone. And I'd say I'd like to do some studies on this. I'm sure one out of every, like, 4.7 kids in America has seen their parents fuck. And then if you pick certain countries, Africa and a place in Mexico. There's places where it's probably. It's like one out of every one have seen their places where they don't have doors and there's one room and there's fucking nine of you. And how are you going to voice these two fucking. And by the way, they're fucking machines, hence the ten brothers and sisters. So you can't avoid it. And maybe that warps you in some sort of way and you end up fucking too early. I don't know. But you want to cleanse this shit from your mind. And I feel that way about Octomom. Like, I feel that way about a lot of stuff. Like, I'll just be watching TV and they'll show that picture of her with the huge belly and the stretch marks and everything. And it's like, that's up there now. That's stuck somewhere. And by the way, it probably took some memory. Like, hey, you won a trophy in Pop Warner football for most outstanding defensive players that like, move over that memory.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I have.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of fun needs to get in there. Yeah, I mean, ultimately, you're sort of a hard drive on a computer. There's only so much fucking room. And half my shit is just filled with like, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Octomom. And I don't want it in there.

[Allison Rosen]

You should send it to the cloud. Your memories to the cloud. SoundCloud storage in the cloud.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. I gotta get the fuck off there. Cause I wait and know way too much about her. Every. Seems like every two and a half weeks, some story comes out where, oh, she's posing nude for a British, you know, Page Six girl. Or she. Her house is up for sale or something. It's like, I know way too fucking much about her. And I've heard way too. Now we're going on sort of year three. We're up in here.

[Matt Besser]

We're rewarding her by acknowledging her. We're doing exactly what she wants. Encouraging the nueva. Mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. What do we do? I need some palate cleanser. I can't go out like that. I need some baby deer again. Okay, let me see baby deer again while I tell you guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Baby bat is always a great go to.

[Adam Carolla]

I like baby bat, but baby deer, baby deer, baby fawn and deer do nothing. Like there Must be. First off, they carry ticks and then they just get hit. They just kill people in pickup trucks, basically. They just hop across the road and smash into people's windshields. And I think they're dumb.

[Matt Besser]

They would do that.

[Allison Rosen]

But they're cute like dolphins, I think rape other dolphins and stuff. But everyone's like, oh, dolphin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But sometimes those dolphins are asking for it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they are.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like the way you're blowing your back that's kind of asking for it. Yeah, yeah. You just riding that wake, you know. Reputation.com. you got to protect yourself, your [e-mail] you don't want all the crap going to the top. All the bad stuff goes, goes to the top. It's the opposite of dairy. The Internet is the opposite of dairy.

[Brian Bishop]

The cream sinks to the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

It really does. All the crap goes right to the top. Whatever crappy thing you've done, it goes right to the top. And all the good stuff goes to the bottom. Reputation.com is going to get hold of that. It's going to take the good stuff at the bottom, raise it up to the top, take all that crap that no one will ever get to ever again. Whether you want it. I don't think in these days, whether it's a job or a date, I think. So everyone's looking you up, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt Besser]

How could you not?

[Adam Carolla]

You have to call reputation.com for free assessment. I love this idea. I just love them. I love the idea. They're going to give you an assessment.

[Brian Bishop]

There for the business aspect too. Like if you spend years screwing over customers, you want those to go away. You want good stuff to go to the top.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shysters, listen up.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. Listen up. Flim flam men.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, flimflam men. Shysters and second story men as well.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, don't forget the snake oil salesman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, snake oil and wheel men. Listen up. I like the idea of being a second story man, but not being the best. Just being somewhere in the middle.

[Brian Bishop]

Utility player. I'm really a wheel man, but I'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Do a second story man while he's fair to middlet. But he's all we could get on our budget, so we've added him to the crew. The second story man.

[Brian Bishop]

You want the best, talk to Terry. But you probably can't afford him. He's busy anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the best is always busy whether you're wheelman, second story man or flim flam artist. Reputation.com for free estimate takes just five minutes. I do this just for fucking fun. I really would like. If I had a bunch of buddies and we're sitting around and we're bored. I'd like. Let's call up. Right. Reputation.com. let's get an assessment and then call.

[Allison Rosen]

Up saying you're someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Their assessment.

[Adam Carolla]

1, 800.

[Brian Bishop]

That'd be a funny bit for the show. Have the worst things about us and offer to bury them.

[Adam Carolla]

1-800-306-2526. It costs nothing to find out what's being said about you. 1-800-306-2526, reputation. All right. Anymore? Are we good, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

We're good. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. I love you. Here's my balls.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, Matt Besser, everybody.

[Matt Besser]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Post tour, May 9th. You still doing any mushrooms or any of that stuff?

[Matt Besser]

You know what? I haven't in years. As much as I talked about it today, I had a bad trip the last time I did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Or as Dr. Drew would say, a good trip if it stopped you from doing the mushrooms.

[Matt Besser]

Hey, Adam, I had a rant. I know you do rant requests, and I know I'm jamming it in here and probably not according to your schedule. The other day I was, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

I do rant requests, don't I?

[Matt Besser]

Like topics.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What can't Adam complain about?

[Kevin Nealon]

And people shout out to you.

[Matt Besser]

So I was on a plane, and you've seen this. And you put your stuff in the overhead and it's full. And then someone comes down and they got the piece of luggage that doesn't fit in the overhead yet. They wanted to feed physics, the law of physics and make it fit into that hole. And your stuff is there. Otherwise you wouldn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever.

[Matt Besser]

Go to town, do whatever you want, but your stuff is in there. So what do you do in situations like that? Do you.

[Adam Carolla]

This happened. I was traveling with a marzipan cottage that I'd made for my friend on the east coast, and all of a sudden, some guy in a Samsonite. Well, there's a couple things. One of the greatest, I would say the greatest 18 minutes of my life is when I was, like, sitting in the back of a Southwest flight and some guy that just looked like Sprocket from snl, like, had the cool frames and the cool Italian loafers.

[Brian Bishop]

Dieter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Dieter from Sprockets had a piece of luggage that looked like. Like it was built by NASA. Brushed aluminum and titanium and stuff was anodized. It was like it was Beautiful. Like, you could see this in the dude catalog. Like, you had to be single to afford this shit.

[Matt Besser]

He's carrying a disease in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was like one of these guys. You ever see the guy on the $10,000 mountain bike, and you're like, wow, he's not good enough for it. But, wow, look at the carbon fiber and Kevlar everywhere and everything. Everything's really cool. And so he lifts it up. But the problem is, it's like a hard shell. Like, it's literally carbon fiber and brushed aluminum and titanium and stainless steel, and everyone else is just traveling with it. Duffel bag they got from Sports Illustrated for signing up for a year subscription two years ago, you know, and we're just mashing our shit up there, but this thing has no give. And it's like this kind of thing where it's like, first he goes wheels first, and he's not making it. Mike, were you on this? You were sitting, and then it's like he goes with the other collapsing end first. And it was like this piece was a piece of, like, sculpture. Like, a beautiful, like, ball. Like, the wheels took air, but he probably put nitrogen in it because it was a better gas. It doesn't bleed out, and it's not susceptible to heat change and temperature cycling. But he. And we all watched this guy with a $750 piece of luggage fight it for 20 minutes and started going, like, different directions, and people were, like, shouting.

[Matt Besser]

Out, and everyone's standing behind and waiting to get in.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Mike? Was it the most fucking satisfying thing? It was an oblong shape, and it had, like, the telescoping handle, too. It was just. It was a mess. It was ecto exoskeleton. Like, it had the brushed aluminum and anodized. It was perfect. Yeah. I want to give this tip out. I give it to. I haven't given it out in a while. But the whole thing with the wheels and you cannot travel with the hard shell, the tortoise luggage. Can't do it. You have to check it before you get on the plane. And traveling with the suitcase with the wheels on it can't even do that anymore. It's pure duffel.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, wait, this is their rule or this is your rule?

[Adam Carolla]

This is my tip to you people, because I've been traveling a ton over the last two or three years, and you pull up with something with wheels on it, and you're dragging it behind you, you will be checking it. Every flight is full and every flight is small. I had fucking first class On Alaska, first class fucking ticket. And I had the wheel and not the big shell, just the, you know, the soft suitcase, but on the wheels. But it has a frame to it. It has like the frame to it and no can do.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you have a marzipan cottage up your butt?

[Adam Carolla]

Where would I put it? Yeah, yeah. After ups, the point is go with the cheap, shitty, medium sized, just little duffel bag that has the sling so you can put it over your shoulder because you can stuff that into anything you want to stuff it into. And yeah, they've given, they basically they do with overhead space what the Titanic did with lifeboats, which is they went like, look, if we're full and we hit an iceberg, we're fucked. Because we only have enough space here to get about half the people. Like they decided that maybe they decided that people weren't gonna be as big or fat as they were, weren't gonna travel with as much shit as they. If, you know, it was back when people just had one suit, one hat or something. But the plane is.

[Allison Rosen]

They built more seats is what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

They started shoving more seats, wedge more seats in.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it is, it is weird.

[Matt Besser]

Those compartments just used to be for fedora, as you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's all they have up there. Stovepipe hats and fedoras are up there and bonnets and the pillbox at every once in a while and now there's nothing. So yes, there's that. There's also this one weird too where your shit. There's no space above your seat, by the way. That should be your space.

[Matt Besser]

Whatever you want to do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That should be your fucking space. But that's not your space. So you have to travel and you go back five more aisles and you find some space. But then when the plane pulls in, you gotta fucking go upstream. You are the world's most retarded salmon at that point. And the aisle in the seat is like 14, 13 inches wide. And everyone, the planes, the aisles and the seats are getting smaller while the average American is putting on £20 a year. Like guys are just fucking huge and you're trying to swim against that current and people are fucking pulling stuff. It's really, it's, it's almost boss.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to abandon your bag at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just buy new stuff and I don't know, you know. Oh, I think I have an idea. What if you just took something with a little chip in it that took a 9 volt battery and it was just a randomly timed small dog Barking, whimpering and making just different noises. Right. You just kind of put it up there. And then when somebody got up there at their Samsonite, you'd hear that and they'd be like, oh, okay, I gotta, I gotta. I gotta take it easy. I mean, people think you were. People think you were douchebag for putting your dog up there, but it'd still be kind of funny.

[Allison Rosen]

That would be great. Oh, why our little baby. I was gonna say, right? Stop with dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think he'd be arrested if it was an infant.

[Allison Rosen]

That'd be amazing though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I never travel with anything valuable because I just assume it's gonna get up or lost or at least a good shit stain or something.

[Matt Besser]

Do you confront people, though, when they go against Will you say, hey, man, stop that? It's not confused, gonna fit. Are you just.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. I sat in Delight and watch this guy fight with his, you know, Swiss, Swiss made piece of machinery and try to get it up there, but all I did was watch. I would never, I would never confront anybody about that. I've. I've said I've got into it. The most I've got into it is with the, you know, flight attendants. On occasion I been yelled at a time or two. One time when I helped myself to some champagne. Well, you're celebrating. I was sitting in first class back when first class was first class, when they had the champagne and the orange juice, just sitting in the very front. They see if they have the big screen TV up there with the big wide body and everything, they offering it and it's just sitting there. And the chick, we're on the ground and the chick is just in the back helping people with the luggage and doing the whatever. And we're just sitting there. We weren't in the air or anything. And I just got up and I was like, all right, well, she's not here, but I want some champagne. And I'm sitting in the very first row of first class and I can almost reach it. So I just got up and poured myself a plastic glass and I got the excuse. You, you know, I got the. Let me say this. All right, now I'm pissed off, so I want to say this now, hold on. This only take a couple minutes. I've gotten into it before and we're going to get into again. I have shamed you because you are not doing your job to a satisfactory level. I'm in first class and you're supposed to offer me champagne, but I've been sitting here for 20 minutes and you have not offered me your first class accommodations. Namely some champagne. You've been helping other people, which is fine. But now I'm going to help myself with my first class ticket to some cheap champagne, if you don't mind. And now instead of saying sorry or yeah, I was working, you beat me to the punch. I want to see you blush. You're fucking pissed off at me because I've shamed you because you're not doing your job. And we're doing a lot of that these days where now people are fucking yelling at me because this cunt didn't do her job. And my thing is like, fuck you, I'm in first class. And she's like, excuse me. And she literally said, this is not a self serve bar.

[Allison Rosen]

It'S a no service bar.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, it's zero service. And I just said, I got a first class ticket. And she's like, sit down. And then she was being a bitch to me the whole time. Luckily, I was traveling with a friend of mine who sober. And I said, you're gonna need to order a lot of drinks cause she's gonna be cunty to me. I got punished by her. But my buddy who was sober, would.

[Allison Rosen]

She cut you off or she just wouldn't serve you.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. That version of fuck you is still within the legal realms of like, I.

[Allison Rosen]

Can'T physically soft fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, A soft fuck you. I can't say fuck you or I'll get fired, but I will. You know when the waiter ignores you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing where it's like you're swinging your arm over your head and they like walk, they look, they walk past and turns like, are you fucking kidding? You saw that? Like, they don't. But you can't be proven in a court of law. That was a kind of fucking I got. Anyway, where were we? No, I would never say anything to anyone, but I'm telling everybody. Small duffel bag, no no hard shell and no wheels. You, they see you. And I've done it before, if you have wheels on it, collapse the handle, pick it up, tuck it under your arm. Because if they see you wheeling, it's going to be gate check, gate check and more gate check, first class, check the bag. Because the whole space over my seat was taken care of, filled up, and then didn't tell me it was a gate check. And I don't want to get going on that story because I'll go fucking nuts on horrible Alaskan Airlines if I have to do that. Go to my PC Now I'm going to better mood. Go to my PC, brought to you by Citrix. Connect directly to your office, your Mac, Mac or PC, doesn't matter, whichever one you like. Laptop. You can use your laptop. You can use your iPad, use your iPhone, your Android tablet, right into your office computer. Matt, this sounds like. Sounds like the best mushroom trip you've ever been on, right? You can get to your work computer or your home computer from wherever you are.

[Matt Besser]

You mean I can do that without tripping?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You can do it stone cold sober. IPhone, iPad, whatever you like. Try go to my PC free. Free.

[Kevin Nealon]

Free.

[Adam Carolla]

45 days free. You can try it out for free. Use the promo code Adam. Visit Go to my PC. Click on the try it free button and remember, use the promo code Adam. All right, Matt, where shall people go? Should they go to the website freakdancemovie.com?

[Matt Besser]

Yeah, yeah. There mattbesser.com you can find out about the dates for Freakdance coming up. This. And we're also going to be video on demand in May so everyone can.

[Adam Carolla]

See it when they come to town New year. You or your computer on your desk. So until next time, it's Adam Crawler from Matt Bezer. Oh, David Wild, Allison Rosen and Paul Bryan saying Mahalo.

[Matt Besser]

Mushrooms. Plus, anything's gonna equal fun.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Co show 813. That does it for today's Coil Classics.

[David Wilde]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for.

[Adam Carolla]

An all new installment. Until then, hollow and get it on.

[Allison Rosen]

Ra.