Monique Marvez “When The Schlong is Too Long”

Summary

Adam Carolla Show — “When The Schlong is Too Long” with Monique Marvez

Date: March 2, 2026 | Guest: Monique Marvez

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Adam Carolla welcomes comedian Monique Marvez back to the studio for a no-holds-barred conversation blending comedy, personal stories, cultural commentary, and, true to its title, frank talk about sexuality and relationships. The episode also features news updates with Mike Dawson, along with signature rants by Adam on bureaucracy, public education, and social dysfunction. Vintage Carolla wit, irreverence, and banter—especially on topics of masculinity, immigration, sex, and American values—run throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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Childhood Memories, Racing, and Patriots vs. Complainers

[03:09–14:39]

• Monique’s Childhood and Motorsports:

  • Monique recalls attending the (12, not 24) Hours of Sebring in the 1960s with her Venezuelan father, a passionate racing fan:

    “My dad would wake me up at dark 05 and we would drive up to Sebring.” —Monique [03:17]

  • Adam clarifies Sebring’s 12-hour format, sharing his collection of Paul Newman's race cars and the history of Newman’s racing career.

• Differences Between Parents:

  • Adam contrasts Monique’s supportive father with his own distant, uninvolved dad, noting his lack of interest in Adam’s successful racing events.

• Lessons from Monique’s Dad:

  • Classic advice:

    “One day you're gonna be broke, one day you're gonna be brokenhearted. Make sure it's not the same day.” —Monique's dad [09:07]

• Immigrants & Patriotism:

  • Monique’s father is praised for embracing American culture as an immigrant.
  • Adam criticizes those who immigrate but disdain the U.S., drawing political contrasts:

    “I love guys like your dad… I despise the ones who come here and talk shit about this country.” —Adam [13:12]

• Patriotism vs. Politics:

  • Monique distinguishes patriotism from politics and shares her emotional attachment to Americana, e.g., Epcot’s American Adventure.

    “I've seen the American Adventure at least 40 times. I cry every single time.” —Monique [13:53]

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Rants on Spelling, Bureaucracy, and Useless Jobs

[15:07–25:55]

• Name Misspellings:

  • Adam vents about Hyena’s Comedy Club and the New York Post repeatedly mangling his surname, often in close proximity to a correctly spelled version.

    “My name is spelled two different ways on that 7-inch car...” —Adam [17:30]

  • Monique shares her own experiences with botched introductions at major comedy festivals.

• Bureaucratic Overkill:

  • Adam rails against California’s regulatory creep—particularly in real estate transactions, with endless disclosures and “useless” legal requirements such as having to install smoke detectors just to get an appraisal.

    “What do smoke detectors have to do with the appraisal? Just go appraise the fucking house.” —Adam [21:24]

• Corporate/Esoteric Jobs:

  • Both lament the proliferation of vague, “ethereal” career titles (“I’m in financial products”) and “bullshit” jobs that lack tangible results.

    “If you can't point to something and say, 'I did that,' I don't want to talk to you.” —Monique [25:51]

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Teachers, Predators, and Systemic Failures

[27:45–41:28]

• LAUSD Scandal & Lawsuits:

  • Adam introduces the news of LA’s public school system borrowing $1B+ to settle sexual misconduct claims, mostly enabled by powerful unions.

    “They take them and shift them to the shitty neighborhoods where the people don’t complain…” —Adam [28:32]

• Culture of Secrecy & Denial:

  • Monique recounts earlier KFI reporting on teacher abuse cover-ups, linking it to broader trends of moving (not firing) problem employees—parallels are drawn to the Catholic Church’s handling of abusive priests.
  • The “domino effect” once secrecy is broken.

• Unions and Accountability:

  • Adam contends that unions (like the teachers’ union) inherently protect bad actors due to prioritizing members over children.
  • Monique references the Gabriel Fernandez case:

    “I would read [neglectful CPS workers’] names out loud every Saturday night...” —Monique [35:22]

• Why Drawn to Kids?

  • Adam posits that teaching often attracts people with questionable motives because most people don’t want to spend all day with others’ children for little pay.

    “You are attracting people in teachers that probably have a higher percentage of being a pedophile because they would like to spend a lot of time in the company of kids.” —Adam [40:47]

  • Relates this to scoutmasters and jokes about how the first to volunteer for camping trips should be automatically disqualified.

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Sex, Size, and Relationship Disclosures

[41:28–63:38]

• Locker Room Incentives/Jokes:

  • Candid, comedic exploration of gender, sexuality, and voyeurism in gyms and locker rooms, especially the differing motivations of gay men and straight people.

    “Gay guys are always in great shape because they are always—guess who’d always be at the gym if I got to hang out in the ladies’ locker room?” —Adam [38:03]

• Notable Anecdotes:

  • Monique tells a story of eyeing up a “delicious” man at her co-ed gym in high school (“Shower Guy”) only to bump into him at a family event. [41:41]

• “When the Schlong is Too Long”:

  • Discussion about penis size preferences—Monique prefers “fair to midland,” jokes about being a “not a size queen,” and finds oversized anatomy impractical:

    “A big penis to me is like a 12-year-old driving an 18-wheeler. Like, you’re gonna hit the guardrail, someone’s gonna get hurt.” —Monique [46:18]

  • Adam and Monique speculate whether men with especially large or small anatomy should warn new partners in advance.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “If the side dishes are amazing, women can often overlook a burnt, tiny entree.” —Monique [60:26]
  • Monique and Adam riff about micro-phalluses and “snackable cock.”
  • Adam on disclosure:

    “At some point after the dinner and after the drinks… I feel like I gotta do a little preamble before the pants drop.” —Adam [53:51]

  • Monique reveals past partners who died young—including those she unexpectedly found via online obituaries.

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Mental Health, Fame, and Suicides

[65:17–67:41]

• Reflection on Tragedy:

  • Adam and Monique recount people they knew—beautiful, talented, seemingly successful—who later died by suicide.

    “Even still, anytime anybody under 70 dies, now I feel really bad. Like they were young, you know…” —Monique [65:19]

  • Raised expectations and “abnormal markers” of success in show business may play a role.

• Taboo Topics:

  • Adam (provocatively) suggests giving people like Phil Spector or Billy Joel a societal “pass” due to their contributions, prompting Monique to recall France’s justice system which considers a person’s entire life.

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News Chat: Corruption, Disability Fraud & Epstein Files

[92:18–98:48]

• LAUSD Headquarters Raided:

  • FBI investigation of the LA School District over alleged massive fraud, with Adam pointing to chronic mismanagement and endless tax hikes:

    “We need a bigger furnace, but maybe… we shut the windows!” —Adam [93:52]

• Disability Fraud:

  • Officer fakes injury, gets caught skydiving. Adam rails against systems that incentivize exploiting loopholes, sacrificing dignity for payouts.

    “It's always, I can't walk... You tell people about disability, all of a sudden everyone's got a fucking bad back and they're home.” —Adam [100:28]

• Epstein Files & Power’s Decadence:

  • With a new photo of Stephen Hawking unearthed among Epstein materials, Adam and Dawson discuss how extreme wealth and power often spiral into moral decay or bizarre pursuits.

    “When you remove all struggle… now you're into stem cells and living forever and drinking the blood of virgins…” —Adam [84:42]

  • Discussion includes Epstein’s mind-control experiments, and Adam jokes that every demographic has its “heroes and villains.”

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Memorable Quotes & Comedic Moments

• Adam’s Dad vs. Monique’s Dad:

  "Here's how I will tell you how different your dad and my dad would be. ... [My dad] never went to one of those races. ... That's an incredible disdain for racing, I would say." —Adam [09:17–10:34]

• On Patriotism:

  "My dad just embraced American culture. Elvis." —Monique [13:12]

• On Occupation Titles:

  "If you can’t point to something and say, 'I did that,' I don't even wanna talk to people that can't." —Monique [25:51]

• Locker Room Analogies:

  "If I got to hang out in the ladies’ locker room, I'd be in fucking great shape about now." —Adam [38:03]

• On Size, Gender, and Preferences:

  “A big penis to me is like a 12-year-old driving an 18-wheeler. ... Nobody needs that much horsepower.” —Monique [46:18]
  "You want something that is just sort of a snackable cock. ... not a big hoagie." —Adam [46:43]

• On Public Education:

  "There is no connection between the amount they pay and the grades and test scores. Please get it out of your head." —Adam [97:20]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:09–14:39 — Childhood, racing, patriotism, and immigrant assimilation
• 15:07–25:55 — Spelling rants, bureaucracy, useless jobs
• 27:45–41:28 — Sexual abuse, teacher unions, systemic failures
• 41:28–63:38 — Locker room humor, sexuality, anatomical tales, relationship disclosures
• 65:17–67:41 — Fame, suicide, and reflections on life’s expectations
• 92:18–103:26 — School district corruption, disability scams, societal incentives
• 84:42, 100:28, 97:20 — Epic rants on wealth, corruption, social decay

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Tone & Style

The conversation is candid, explicit, and unapologetically irreverent, blending humor with biting social commentary. Both Adam and Monique bring personal stories and sharp opinions with warmth and comedic edge. Frequent callbacks and real-world parallels keep the discussion relatable even against the backdrop of heavier themes.

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For Listeners Who Haven't Heard the Episode

This episode is a quintessential Adam Carolla Show: at turns hilarious and insightful, with fearless exploration of both the ridiculous and the serious. Expect explicit sexual banter, social critique, inside comedy, and fresh perspectives on culture, bureaucracy, and the human condition—with Monique Marvez as a lively, engaging foil and co-storyteller.

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[A]

Well, in this episode, Monique Marvez is back bringing the comedy. Also, we'll do the news with Dawson and we'll do that right after this. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Prediction markets talk outcomes. BetOnline puts odds behind them. For decades, bettors have trusted BetOnline for accurate lines, deep prop markets and real money action across every major sport. Get the latest odds, latest live props in game betting and expert pricing throughout the season and beyond. And when you're ready for a different kind of thrill, BetOnline Casino delivers nonstop action and premium rewards. Don't guess with the crowd. Bet with the book. That's been doing it right for years. Bet online. The game starts here. Thanks for tuning into the Adam Carolla show. You can watch the full show on YouTube just search Adam Carolla show and hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. You can also get the podcast wherever you like to listen. And for extra content, ad free episodes and more, you can head over to our substack and sign up today. What is the mystique about beating the other guy? About winning? Whatever it is, it's mystique that's held in high reverence by people in racing.

[B]

March 22 Join the Adam Carolla show for a live podcast celebrating the legendary racing legacy of Paul Newman. You can drive hard and you're not going to win any races. The only way that you're ever going

[A]

to win a race is just to

[B]

be right on the edge of it all the time. Come see Adam Carolla's collection of Paul Newman's championship winning race cars, authentic race memorabilia, special guest interviews and an audience Q and A. You see anything, kid, you let us know. Sunday, March 22nd at 1:00pm at the Jordan Family event center in Orange County.

[A]

If they put you on the spot, we got a folder car.

[B]

VIP packages are available with early access, meet and greet and premium seating. Take it easy, kid. We're not gonna lose them now.

[A]

We had him 10 years ago when he decided to be somebody.

[B]

The Adam Corolla show celebrates the Paul Newman race car collection.

[A]

Yeah, fine.

[B]

Sunday, March 22nd at the Jordan family event center. Get your tickets [e-mail]. From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla show. Adam's guest today, Monique Marvez. Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now Adam Carolla.

[A]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get on a judgment. Get it on. Monique Marvez. Very funny. Stand up comedian, back in studio. Live dates all over the place. I'll tell you about some of those in a moment or two. Good to see you again, Monique.

[C]

My pleasure. I was looking at your sign where you're gonna be. Yeah, my dad was a fanatic. I used to go to Sebring when I was a child in the 60s.

[A]

You went to Sebring?

[C]

24 hours of Sebring. Many times my father would wake me up at dark 05 and we would drive up to Sebring.

[A]

Well, I don't want to correct you or your dad, but you couldn't have gone to the 24 Hours of Sebring.

[C]

Why not?

[A]

Because it's the 12 Hours of Sebring.

[C]

Okay, well, whatever. The thing is that we'd have to sit there forever.

[A]

Yeah. Cause it'd be six in the morning till six at night.

[C]

And it'd be dark and cold.

[A]

Be dark and cold. Sebring's in Florida Middle. It's a track, but it's an airport. Basically, it's an airport track. I guess it's like a sort of a road course, but it's flat because it's a thing. And people, they're dedicated tracks like Laguna Seca and Road Atlanta, their tracks. They go up, they go down. Sebring is flat. Cause it's an airport. And they do it as street course, like they do the Long Beach Grand Prix. It's a street course. You know what I mean? Vegas is a street course.

[C]

I'd be curious to know if in the 60s they ever did it longer than 12. I'd be curious.

[A]

Oh, you can look it up.

[C]

But you didn't know about Vince Champs, the Serial Rapist until I brought it to your attention.

[A]

The answer's gonna be no. Fair enough. 12 hours of Sebring. And I have a car. So I got the Newman. Now you're looking up at the Newman cars, which are gonna be in Santa Ana, their new home. The Jordan family classic cars. And all 13 cars will be there. We'll be doing a lot of live podcasts there. But one of the Newman cars that's there is a car that won outright at Sebring. It didn't win its class. It won the race. The whole thing at Sebring? Yeah. Wasn't Newman driving it? It was after Newman drove it. But it won Daytona outright. It won Sebring outright, and it won Le Mans in its class. So it went to all that. But your dad would get you up to go see the 12 Hours Sebring. And who would you be there for 12 hours?

[C]

Oh, absolutely. And then he would go and stand by the track to see the people. And, you know, it was like when people follow baseball and they watch. We have that in Florida, too. But my dad liked racing, so when I did radio in Indianapolis, I brought him up to go to the Indy 500.

[A]

Great spectacle.

[C]

Unbelievable.

[A]

I would say the Indy 500 is a lot like the Kentucky Derby in that you really don't need to be into horses. You're just that you can be there for the sport of it. But now, what years do you figure you went to the 12 hours of Sebring?

[C]

Well, I was born in 62, and I have a ridiculously long memory, so I'm gonna tell you. 66, 67, 68, 69. So we moved to North Miami and my dad's life got busier.

[A]

I think you can look this up, Dawson, but I have a recollection of the late, great Steve McQueen winning, maybe coming in second overall at Sebring, driving a Ferrari with Mario Andretti, when that would have been 68, 69, somewhere in there going into him making the movie Le Mans. So you may have seen the great Steve McQueen.

[C]

Trust me, this is my childhood Mario Andre. When you talk about these things, it, like warms my heart because it's 70.

[A]

He won. He won or came in second. 70. Sebring with a cast on his foot. That's Timothee Chalamet would not do that today. Today's actors are not the old school actors. Oh, Peter Rabson was his co driver. Ah, something's wrong. There's a Mario Andretti. I think there's a Mario Andretti. Maybe it's not, but we drove for Ferrari. A Ferrari. Peter Revson was a popular drive from the Revlon family. Oh, man, the stuff, you know, that's

[C]

why I love being on here, because knowing it's no fun if someone else doesn't know that you know it.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Mario Andretti won. And Steve McQueen came in second with Peter Revson of the Revlon family. Back when, you know, rich guys would go racing.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

And Revson, I think, died in a plane crash not that long after that.

[C]

We had a Miami Grand Prix in Miami in the 80s. Very short lived. Kind of. Kind of a financial disaster, but it was fun. They shut down downtown Miami.

[A]

Yeah, McQueen's left foot was in a cast from a motorcycle accident. He got in the fucking car anyway, by the way, pre fiberglass cast, old school cast.

[C]

How do you shift paper mache?

[B]

Is the clutch closer to the pedal. You can use one foot or he's

[A]

probably using his foot to get out of the pits and then he's probably shifting without the clutch. He's rev matching with his right foot on the throttle and popping it in the downshift. If you rev match, you can drop it into that gear and you don't need the clutch.

[B]

I had no idea that's what.

[C]

So many good memories. My dad had an MG and he would let me change gears. Like I would sit in the passenger seat and he'd say now. And I would get to change gears when I was a little kid.

[A]

Your dad got a lot of living in, didn't he?

[C]

Oh, my dad, when I was a little girl, he'd say, I'm gonna live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse. And I'd say, how are you gonna do that? You're not good looking now. And we would just. But he was amazing and he exposed me to so many things that in the 60s and early 70s, dads didn't do with little girls.

[A]

No.

[C]

I'm so grateful.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And he gave me amazing advice. The best piece of advice I would pass on to any human, not just a girl. My dad said, Monique, one day you're gonna be broke, one day you're gonna be brokenhearted. Make sure it's not the same day.

[A]

Oh, man. I think there'd be quite a contrast between your father and my father in terms of how they approach to life, because I don't think. Here's how I will tell you how different your dad and my dad would be. I participated in the Toyota Grand Prix as a driver celebrity race five times. I won two times. I won once as a celebrity and then once as a in the pro division. My dad, who lived in Altadena. Where's the track? You know what, let's try. Oh, you know, at the time he was in North Hollywood probably. Let's see, Studio City, closer Dawson Miles from Studio City, California to Long Beach, California, my dad lived, I'm gonna guess, 23 miles from the track. It was always on a Saturday and my dad's never worked a Saturday and he never went to one of those races. Wow, that's an incredible disdain for racing, I would say.

[C]

Well, it's not just racing, but who cares about the race? His son is doing something I would

[A]

enjoy and oh, it's 38 miles. So anyway, under an hour drive on a Saturday, by the way, I drove in every. I didn't like stay there. Every time I did, I just slept in my house, got up in the morning and drove out there. It's a 47 minute drive on a Saturday. Never been to one.

[C]

Did he go to your comedy shows or anything?

[A]

No, he didn't go to any stuff of any kind, ever.

[C]

People would walk up to my dad after shows at the Miami Improv when I was just starting out, and they would say, you know me. Everything I say is no hyperbole. People would walk up to my dad, Mr. Marvez, you must be so proud. You know, your daughter's bright or funny. Whatever they'd say. This is my dad's answer. Monique was a fully formed demigod by the age of seven. That's what he would tell people. And they would compliment me.

[A]

So going to Sebring, Going. By the way, yes, Newman did participate in the Miami Grand Prix because it was even in a Miami Vice, I think, opening. They would show the race, the track, and he rode. So what they would do is the Trans Am division where Newman was racing, not the Trans Am cars. Everybody. Everyone drives me nuts. I go, newman drove his Nissan 300 in Trans Am. He drove a Trans Am? No, no, he drove a Nissan in Trans Am. The series Trans Am, they have all different kinds of cars. Like Smoking the Bandit. No, no. He drove. He drove. He drove an Oldsmobile Cutlass in the Trans Am series. There was Oldsmobile Trans Am. Like, I realize people don't listen at all. That's why no one fucking knows anything. But he was racing in that Trans Am race in Miami, and his best friend and driving partner, who drove the other Nissan Z, Jim Fitzgerald, died in that race.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah, In, I don't know, 86, maybe 87. But Newman was driving. And your dad was probably down there watching Newman drive.

[C]

Absolutely. Absolutely. He was. You know, my dad was an immigrant. He was Venezuelan, and he embraced American culture. You know how sometimes an immigrant is just so happy and delighted to be here? My dad just embraced American culture. Elvis.

[A]

Like Ilhan Omar. Oh, wait a second. She fucking hates this country. Fucking. She wants everyone to be Somali and wear a durag. I love guys like your dad. I love the people come here and go, this is the best place ever. And I love it. And I despise the ones who come here and. And talk shit about this country. It drives me nuts.

[C]

And I tell people, because I'm not an openly political person. I'm a private person. But I say there's a difference between politics and patriotism. Not only am I patriotic, and I've done a bunch of USO tours and I've been to Iraq. I'm openly, avidly patriotic.

[A]

Good.

[C]

I was just in Disney. I dragged a friend to the American Adventure in Epcot. It's an older film. It's been there for a minute. This is gonna make you either love me or think I'm crazy. I have seen that 40 times. I grew up in Florida. We went to Epcot every year. I have seen the American adventure at least 40 times. I cry every single time.

[A]

Adam, listen. It's now. Having an American flag wave or cheering on the men's hockey team makes you into some sort of maga. Far right. Whatever. It's insanity. It's insanity.

[C]

It's not right.

[A]

It's not right. You can be patriotic and have nothing to do with Donald Trump or MAGA or whatever.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

All right. But it was hijacked. Andrew brought this up to me. I brought up yesterday. Sorry. Several days ago, I was bringing up Hyena's Comedy Club and how they misspelled my name. They spelled my name correctly, and then just below it, literally a quarter inch below it, they put my name again, which was unnecessary, but spelled it completely differently.

[C]

This is Texas Hyenas.

[A]

This is Texas Hyenas.

[C]

And it's still there.

[A]

I don't know. We'll have to grab a screenshot or I'll put it up for you or whatever that is. But hilarious.

[C]

Now, did you approve that promo picture?

[A]

I know everyone just takes everything, but blow it up. Sorry. Go the other way. Sorry.

[C]

Were you heavier then? That's not a great picture.

[A]

I have no idea. They just took a picture.

[C]

They do that with me, too. They'll pick the worst picture ever off of some social media and then put it as my headshot.

[A]

They always take the worst shot. All right.

[C]

Oh, my. That's hilarious.

[A]

All right, it's C, O, R, O, L, A. They messed up two letters. They messed up the A and another L. And it's directly beneath the my name, which is spelled correctly in bold. So I have no idea what we're doing. I have no idea why, but supposedly the same person wrote this thing and typed it up. All right, anyway, I marvel. I just marvel at it. Oh, by the way. All right, so then, by the way, here's the weirdest misspelling of all time, which now is gonna bring us full circle. And then Andrew pointed out to me earlier today that the New York Post did something on me and they spelled my name Adam Carolla. Bizarre plan to fix Mexico permanently by bringing in Israelis. All right, they spell Adam Carolla C, O, R, R. So they got an extra R and an O, and then O, L, L, A It's almost like Corolla.

[C]

Like, are you Puerto Rican now?

[A]

No. Yeah, I am now. So then I know he's fast. And then at the bottom, right under the bold, my name completely jumbled. It says conservative comedian, which again, you can just say comedian, because no one ever says progressive comedian. They just go, comedian. Conservative comedian and podcaster Adam Carolla. Now spelled correctly 2 inches below the butchering of my name. What is going on? Is it a concentration thing? Everyone is completely checked out. I've realized that people can't pay attention.

[C]

There's no proofreading anymore. There's no. I was in journalism class in high school and we had to proofread everything. And, you know, even now I read emails out loud. Cause that's how you catch mistakes.

[A]

Yes. I would tell everyone all the time who would hand me copy to read on the air, live reads. I'd go, read it out loud, Read it out loud. They go, well, it's all good. I go, you'll hear it when it's wrong. Full circle. And it's in the computer somewhere, Dawson. But good luck with this one. When you do the Toyota Grand Prix at the end, you get a little gift bag, you know, I don't know, a mug, a towel or whatever. They give you a little die cast model of the car they raced. It's 7 inches long and 4 inches wide. It's like a little size of a sandwich. And they give you a little model of your car and they put your number on it and they put your name on it. Because in the race, your name's on the bumper and it's on the windshield, across the windshield. My name is spelled two different ways on that 7 inch car. And somebody had to apply. You don't go buy that car. You have to take the little letters off and stick them, hand stick them and print them out and put them on that car. It is spelled two separate ways on the same car, two inches away from one another. There's pictures of it in the computer because like 10 years ago, we. We did it and the car's here somewhere. It's like in the back or whatever. But is that nuts?

[C]

Your name is not terribly challenging.

[A]

I agree. But as I was yelling about, I'm looking at your last name. It's fairly phonetic and it's pretty easy, but I would never assume I could spell it. I would just look it up.

[C]

I get Montez Marquez. I mean, I've had my name at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'll never forget it. A dear friend of mine Now Andrew Gross completely butchered my name. He called me like Monica Montez or something in front of 2,000 people in a theater at an event at Montreal. I was like, okay.

[A]

The other thing I was ruminating on not to do with this, but California rules and all the red tape that, that people complain about. I was trying to get a property appraised, a home appraisal and things involving property and mortgages and buying homes and stuff. Like, I bought my first home out here late 96. There was a probably about seven or eight pages I need to sign. I bought a home six months ago out here. There were 145 pages. And by the way, multiple pages in multiple places of did not discriminate against a realtor because of the color of their skin or their sex or their sexual proclivities. Like eight of the pages were just somehow some sort of race discrimination. Fucking lawyers and bureaucrats and the shit just keeps getting thicker. And people go, what's wrong with that? It gums up the works. It makes things more difficult than they need to be. And it also costs money. These guys who are gonna appraise this house, which is being worked on to get refinanced, need in the appraisal, smoke detectors. And I'm like, what does smoke detectors have to do with the appraisal? Just go appraise the fucking house. By the way, the house could be in any shape it's in. You know what I mean? It could be half knocked down. Just that's what it's worth.

[C]

What the value is.

[A]

What the value is. No, you have to have smoke detectors because I guarantee that's a law. It's a lawyer, it's a bureaucrat. It never existed in the. I've had a million places.

[C]

My mom had the thing. We had to change out all her smoke detectors before she could sell her house.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

We went through that in NorCal.

[A]

Another law, another law. But I get maybe the change out before you sell the house, but before you appraise it.

[C]

No, that's crazy.

[A]

That's crazy. And it's when people go, it's too expensive to build in LA and the homelessness and they can't build affordable housing. This is all part of that rigmarole of why they can't do anything.

[C]

I agree.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, there are a lot of women in my life, especially one who inspire me with what they can do. And with International Women's Day right around the corner, I want to acknowledge that it's probably difficult to carry so much. And no matter how anyone seems on the surface, sometimes therapy can help lighten the load. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US they have questionnaires in place that will help you find the right fit so you can focus on your goals. And it works. With an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. It's BetterHelp, right? Dawson?

[B]

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[D]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think what challenges me and I'm missing parts. I always say I'm like IKEA furniture. Like, you know how there's parts on the instructions that didn't go in and you're nervous?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

One of the reasons that I'm not openly political on either side is because everybody plays dirty pool to their own agendas. And if anybody says no, but these people are nicer than those people. I have a very hard time because I'm a critical thinker. Let's just cut to the chase. You know, we what is absolutely, positively necessary to get something done? Let's start with the absolutely, positively necessary.

[A]

I agree.

[C]

And then if we need to layer some a little bit. A little bit. But everything has to be mystified and esoteric so that people can just justify themselves, their position, what they do. You know, the fact that you're a podcaster. If somebody says, what does Adam do? I drive cars. I'm a podcaster. I'm on the radio. Those are three Legitimate things. You can point to a microphone, you can point to a car. Or when I'm at a party and I ask somebody what they do and they're like, I'm in financial products. If you can't. I don't even wanna talk to people that can't point to something and say, I did that. You know, my father's an architect, I'm a comedian. Like, you know, I'm very challenged by all of these. The only word I can think of is esoteric, ethereal, non real, made up bs. Like, what do you do? What do you really do that helps another human being?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, you don't need to help another being. You could. I mean, you could.

[C]

I mean, your job is.

[A]

You could make saddles. I don't really care.

[C]

I just want somebody, they want to ride a horse.

[A]

Well, yeah, I guess you're right. They want to ride a horse. Yeah, I'm with you. I don't like the. I don't really do anything people especially. There's a lot of people make a ton of money not doing anything, which is crazy. But I actually. So, Dawson, there's no picture of that car in the computer anywhere, is there? Well, we didn't label anything, by the way, so it doesn't really matter. But that New York Post article, what did it say is the question. Did it screw up my idea of moving all the Jews to Mexico and getting them out of Israel? And we'll see if they'll see. A lot of times they fuck up the idea too, not just the spelling.

[B]

Well, real quick, how the Corolla Corolla mistake can happen. You know how no one drives well anymore because they're texting the entire time. Maybe there should be a campaign of no texting while you're writing an article.

[A]

I don't know how we're gonna force you to be distracted.

[C]

And let's be honest, things have changed too since the legalization of marijuana because it's not as detectable as alcohol.

[A]

Everybody is so fucking dumb in stone.

[C]

If you're on alcohol, I can smell you. Your eyes are, you know. But if you're chewing gummies or whatever, I talk to people and I feel like both oars aren't in the water.

[A]

Oh, they just ran a clip from my podcast on there. Okay, that's fine, I get it. You can take it down. Unless they. Were they showing a clip, Andrew? Is that what I'm to believe? They're just running the clip on their website?

[B]

No, they just transcribed what you said in the podcast.

[A]

Okay, well, that's fine. They just transcribed it. All right. Next thing I wanted to get into, there was this big thing with the LAUSD school board where there's like a billion dollars. They're constantly being sued because they have these pedophile teachers and they can't get rid of them because the union, the school board union, the teachers union so powerful that they literally can't fire horrible teachers and ones that get caught, pedophilia. So they take them and they shift them to the shitty neighborhoods where the people don't complain, like speak Spanish mostly, and their kids, mom and dad work all day. They literally take the shit teachers and they ship them off to where the poor people are.

[C]

The Catholic Church used to send bad priests to Arizona.

[A]

Right. And then they continue, except for now with people that can't lawyer up sort of situation. But I was. And I'll play the clip, the news clip, and I'll. And then I'll tell you my solution. Okay.

[E]

LA Unified School Board is borrowing another $250 million in bonds to settle claims of sexual misconduct. These latest bonds are in addition to the $500 million authorized less than a year ago. This is according to. According to the LA Times, the extra money is needed because of that extended the statute of limitations for filing civil lawsuits regarding childhood sexual abuse. The total cost, including financing, is expected to exceed a billion dollars. The money will be paid out of the district's general fund over the next decade or so.

[A]

By the way, I love that notion that we just got to raise taxes so we can cover all these expenses. Like, how about we reel it in a little with the molestation and the lawsuits and the bullet train to nowhere and the fraud and the daycares and all of that. How about we tighten our belt a little bit instead of asking everyone for fucking more money every 10 seconds. But there's a problem, and I've realized it, which is, yeah, when Karen Bass gets sued by the LA Fire Department chief because of how she mismanaged a fire or whatever, she'll sue Karen Bass and then we'll end up paying the fire chief the money. Karen Bass not paying the money. We'll pay the money to her.

[C]

Well, here, the reality is we, whatever you want to put in air quotes, always pay the money.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And here. And here's very interesting. I used to be on kfi. I did a talk show on kfi.

[A]

I know it well, and thank you.

[C]

Well, the station, maybe not my show, but.

[A]

No, I know your show. I would listen to it. Thank you. I Listen to it on the weekend.

[C]

Thank you. I'm honored.

[A]

Was it Saturday?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I really am flattered and honored.

[A]

I'm gonna go Saturday. Early evening is when I would lay down. Start at 5 or 6 or something mind blowing.

[C]

But here's the upshot. In 2013, I would have conversations, heated conversations with Robin Bertolucci, the program director. Because I told her, I said, look, people get their news on their phone. They want opinions, they want personal, they want people to break it down for them. Getting your news on the rad doesn't happen anymore. It's just radio was challenging because as comedians, we see things coming down the pike before radio. People see them putting the car in gear in the driveway. So, yes. So I remember because I would say, I want to talk about phenomena. I want to talk about things where you're going to remember that moment and say that. And there was a story, Adam, where a young woman called a teacher who had molested her years earlier. It was past the statute of limitations and she called the teacher and she recorded and videotaped herself talking to the teacher and saying, why did you do that to me? And the teacher was like, you were special. Like, it was a full on conversation where the teacher pretty much admitted it, but took it out of the context of molestation. It was young girl to woman. Leopards don't change their spots.

[A]

Sorry, young girl to woman.

[C]

To a woman. Meaning it wasn't a male teacher, it was a female.

[A]

It was a female teacher who had

[C]

molested a young woman.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And the woman had continued to get, to get promoted. And by the time the YouTube, the teacher got it. The teacher, by the time the YouTube video went viral, the teacher was a, I want to say San Bernardino principal. She was a principal. And within a few days, you know all the laws of like, you can't record somebody without them. No, it became a thing. Thing. And I remember saying, I'm going to talk about this because the problems, the problems don't start necessarily in a court of law or because of taxes. The problem is it's secrecy. It's not calling people out like you say. It's not lawyering up. It's moving people from place to place. And the one thing that the Internet has created, whether it's whatever you feel about Julie and Asandra, is the ability to disseminate information broadly and quickly. And it was dominoes falling down. Because after that, I remember saying on the air, this is going to start a domino effect. Anybody who's ever done anything is gonna be called out and within a very short amount of time, the whole Catholic Church started. Also people coming out and. And the priests were saying, oh, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. But even though they taped them, let's say illegally, they didn't tell them they were being recorded.

[A]

Sorry, we. Back to your first case.

[C]

Well, both of them. Because then a young man came forward, and that's what started.

[A]

Oh, you talking about the Catholic priest? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know there was taping there.

[C]

Oh, yeah. But, you know, and here's what's gonna happen with these schoolteachers, and I'm a very firm believer in this. At some point, there's going to be vigilante justice. Some Mexican brother with a grudge is gonna take somebody out, and then it's gonna become a real.

[A]

Cain Velasquez just got out of prison for trying this.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

He was literally trying to hunt down the guy who was accused of molesting, I think, his daughter. But Cain just got out. And that was probably about three, two or three years ago. Oh, by the way, first year I did the Celebrity Grand Prix, came to Alaska in my celebrity group. Now. Yes, check me on Cain Velasquez. Cause I swear I heard this.

[C]

I'm trying to find this story. Forgive me, but it was early 2014, and it was a female schoolteacher principal that was taken out in cuffs. She was arrested.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah, she was arrested.

[A]

All right. Try to find that story. And, yes, Cain was just released 10 days ago. Okay. So there's an inherent problem, as I was trying to kind of figure this one out.

[C]

Well, they have to turn their back. The union has to do what's right. And hang these people out to drive.

[A]

They're not gonna do it.

[C]

If the Pope can do it, they can do it.

[A]

The union is always gonna try to protect the union members and the teachers. So that's.

[C]

Do you remember the Angel Hernandez case where those four CPS workers looked the other way when that little. Angel Fernandez.

[A]

I was beaten all the time.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the school teacher is the one who came forward, the female school teacher, saying, you know, he's got bruises. He's got BB's embedded in his face. Nobody listened to her.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And I would have left it alone, but when I was on kfi, I would read their names out loud every Saturday night, because Gregory Merritt. I used to call him Gregory. No, Merritt. Gregory Merritt was let go. And because he was almost at the end of his tenure and was, you know, et cetera, et Cetera. He didn't just say, I was involved in this hideous case. I'm lucky to get out with my, you know, alive.

[A]

Hold on. You have to give his title. People don't know.

[C]

He was one of the workers that just signed off. I think the woman who never actually visited the kid.

[A]

He was a child protective service.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[C]

I'm just trying.

[A]

There's a lot of names, a lot of stuff I'm trying to get.

[C]

The funny thing is I'm talking about things that happened like 10, 12 years ago, but they're kind of a little bit fresh in my mind, because when you talk about the union, the union was trying to protect these four people that had completely dropped the ball on these children.

[A]

Not the teachers union, but the child protectives, whatever.

[C]

They were protecting these four people that were watching this child be tortured.

[A]

I know.

[C]

In plain sight.

[A]

It's so sad. All right, so now you can't do

[C]

it as a society. If you're protecting anyone who harms a child, shame on you. Bad karma.

[A]

Gabriel Fernandez. The worst is the name.

[C]

That was 2013. Summer of 13 was when he came forward.

[A]

All right, so now that's the child. Gabriel Fernandez. Yes. Okay, so now here's the. And there's an inherent problem, as I was thinking about it with this school. Teachers are people that basically want a career and a lifetime of working around other people's kids.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

And that's not appealing to most folk.

[C]

No.

[A]

Most folk. If you said to me, would you like to spend all day with other people's kids and not get paid that much? I would go, that doesn't sound appealing.

[C]

No, it's a calling. My mother's a nurse. The worst impacted bowels. Are you kidding me?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It's a calling.

[A]

Well, we can call it a calling, but it also means a higher percentage of them are going to be attracted to kids and have an ulterior motive.

[C]

Like Scout Masters.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. So there's an inherent flaw, because if you said to most people, would you like to work around other people's kids and, like, discipline them and deal with that all day and not get paid very much? They'd go, I'm not attracted to that unless there's something in it for me, like, I'm attracted to kids.

[C]

There's a bonus.

[A]

And then you would want to be around that if that's who you're attracted to. So it's sort of like when gay guys. Gay guys will say once in a while, like, you know, if I Ever said to one of my gay friends I'd go, you know what's pretty cool about being gay is you go to the locker room at the Bally's Fitness center. You get to go in the shower and you get to look at good looking dudes who are naked and they go, oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I go, no, why wouldn't. Look, if I could go into the ladies room, I'd go into the ladies room. What's different about this for you? And it's like, oh, please. But it's like, just admit it, you'd hang out there. Gay guys are always in great shape because they're always. Guess who'd always be at the gym. If I got to hang out in the ladies locker room, I'd be in fucking great shape about now. Think about it. It's all, Dawson, you don't go to the gym very often.

[B]

No, not often, but if I told

[A]

you there's a gym up the street and it was 28 bucks a month and you could go there and work out, whatever, but you were fully authorized just to go hang out in the ladies locker room after you're done working out and take a shower with the ladies, that might be incentive for you to join that gym.

[C]

Would you like to hear a very prurient story?

[A]

And you'd be in good shape. So. Hold on. I do, but let me just finish this thought.

[C]

I was just putting a pin in it.

[A]

You are attracting people in teachers that probably have a higher percentage of being a pedophile because they would like to spend a lot of time in the company of kids, which to me, who's not attracted to kids, sounds like the most boring. That sounds like a prison sentence to me. And that's why you're bringing up scout leaders. I always used to say when you'd go to one of those scouting meetings and they'd have the parents there and the kids and they'd have, my kid was in scouting for a little while, they'd have those meetings. They should. The way they should do it is they should say, who wants to take these kids camping up to Mount Pinos for three days? And the first guy who raises their hand, Ted, you're out. Who else? Randy, your hand up. Yeah, you're out too, Brad. You're taking them. And then Brad would go, the fucking playoffs are this weekend. Are you nuts? I'm not going to spend my day on a mountain with a bunch of. That's exactly, exactly. You are the man for this job, Brad. That's how they should do it. So when I see that firsthand go flying up, I'm like, I don't know what you're volunteering to be around all these kids for a long period of time, but I don't trust you.

[C]

Now, it's funny you should say that, cuz I have that about almost anything. Number one. Cause if you look at something, look, if people looked at our lives. Who wants to be broke and maligned and mistreated by bookers and treated like cattle and you know, I mean, look, our job wasn't easy at the beginning of our job, it sucked. Stand up comedy, yes, it's. It's a hazing, it's brutal, it's unkind, it's brutal. Et cetera, et cetera. But I say the same thing about power. I always say, where's the politician who's the soft sell? That everybody's like, that guy should run for office. Like, no, I don't want the scrutiny. They'll destroy my family. I want that guy. I want Atticus Finch to run for.

[A]

You want. The guy doesn't want to be there. He's a sociopath who can't get enough. Him or herself. Which were now just collecting in droves now. But your prurient story.

[C]

Here it is. Here it is. So I actually was in Humble, Texas in high school at this crappy co ed gym. I think it was even called like Roman Spa or something.

[A]

What year was this?

[C]

1980 and 80. 81. I'm senior in high school at Humble. My parents divorced my junior year of high school. And I went from Miami, Florida to Humble, Texas.

[A]

They couldn't suck it up for two couple semesters.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

What about it?

[C]

It's. Yeah. Your whole life you're in one place, then you graduate in Humble, Texas. So.

[A]

Yeah, no more Sebring for you.

[C]

No, no, no, no. We had a Dairy Queen brazier. Excuse me. So we had a co ed gym called the Roman Spa. It was owned by a Mexican guy named Tony Desanto. He's probably dead for sure. And he used to say he was Italian, but he was Mexican.

[A]

Like his.

[C]

Like his staff would say, he's not Italian, you know. But the upshot is it had co ed wet areas. You had to wear a swimsuit to get in the jacuzzi, but they couldn't afford dual. So it was co Ed. And you. The showers. Were showers, but you had to wear like a swimsuit to wash your hair.

[A]

You could have been a store like two facilities.

[C]

Correct. So there was this one Guy that I used to purposely wait to watch him shower when I was. Yeah, I mean, I did.

[A]

He'd be wearing trunks.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I.

[A]

But he looked pretty good in that shower.

[C]

Delicious. Yeah, delicious. So I would watch him shower. So then my mom made me go to this wedding and I'm sitting in the church in the pew and she's like, oh, my friend showed up with her husband Ron. And I turn around and it's Shower Guy.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Shower guy is sitting behind me. You can't even imagine.

[A]

I taught boxing at Always Better. Oh no, that was Always Better. Closets. I'm getting lost on all my old jobs. Bodies in motion. And there were a couple of women who belonged to that gym. And one that was just a fucking knockout. Like just best looking person you've ever seen wearing her tight workout stuff. And she was just like unbelievably good looking.

[C]

Let's get physical.

[A]

I mean, she was so hot. She was Olivia Newton John hot. And big old titties. Super hot. Beautiful. And if I could have headed into the fucking showers with her, I would have definitely timed my workout.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

I would have been right in the middle of round two punching a heavy bag. And soon as she went for the shower, I just dropped my gloves and trotted right on in there. Yep. Fuck yeah. So anyway, gay guys don't try to pass that bullshit on us.

[C]

Oh no.

[A]

Plus you guys, especially back in the day. But now you guys had all sorts of gay magazines and gay porn and stuff. Don't tell me you don't like looking at dudes naked. There's a thousand magazines and about dudes

[C]

naked, staring at dudes naked. It's a national pastime.

[A]

That's why, you know, everyone does, everyone goes. Gay guys are in great shape because they have to be attractive to other dudes. And that's part of it. But also gay guys get to look at cocks at the gym when they go in the shower all day. And you'd spend a lot of fucking time at that bally.

[C]

Here's what I'm gonna tell you. I used to go to the. We used to call it the Sports Erection because there was a sports connection on Santa Monica and WeHo. That was just good times, you know?

[A]

Oh yeah.

[C]

I mean in the 90s, yeah.

[A]

West LA, West Hollywood dudes, gay dudes.

[C]

And they used to always eat at the Kukaroo. They always stayed at the Kukaroo.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Because it was healthy skinless chicken. And then they'd go work out at the Sports Erection. And guess who? Because I'm not going to sleep with them. I just like, look at. So I was all about working out all the time. I was fit as a fiddle.

[A]

Does it change anything in you if a guy is gay versus straight?

[C]

So to look at him. Aesthetics.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Here's what I will tell you. The short answer is no. But here's the interesting thing. What women find attractive in a man and what gay men find attractive in a man are two different things. I've had many a conversation with my gay friends and what they think is going on. For instance, I'm not a size queen. I say a big penis to me is like a 12 year old driving an 18 wheeler. Like you're gonna hit the guardrail, someone's gonna get hurt. Nobody needs that much horsepower.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Not a fan. Yeah, but that's. That's a big thing, you know? Like that is not a thing for me at all. Quite the opposite.

[A]

It's a thing for the gay guys.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Not me. I'm like, I like fair to Midland.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'd rather have a little active tiny dancer.

[A]

Mm. You want something that is just sort of a snackable cock.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not. Yeah. Like a big hoagie.

[C]

Yeah. I don't wanna walk. Like, I gotta have spurs the next day. You know what I mean? Nobody needs that.

[A]

All right, so you want a little less in that department, whereas men want a little more.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

You know, here's the interesting thing.

[C]

Like, I like eyes.

[A]

You like eyes.

[C]

I like eyes. I like men with. And they don't have to be the long lashes or blue. I like interesting eyes.

[A]

I never really thought about this, but there's two. There's a lot of different gay guys. There's tops and there's bottoms and there's what have you. Right? And then there's gay guys who just blow each other. They never get into the anal sex. Right?

[C]

Okay, fair enough.

[A]

I'm basing this on a few of my gay friends and filling me in.

[C]

Well, I have tons of them because I'm like, oh, I'm a certified fruit fly. Oh, you are certified.

[A]

So I would only go off of what they told me. But if, in fact, you're a guy and the deal is you participate in anal sex, how big a cock do you want that other guy to have? I mean, I feel like you. You're complaining. You got more space than I do.

[C]

Trust me. I did a. I did a bit where they took me to the Hustler store for a TV pilot. The Hustler store, when it was the big Hustler store back in the day, right on Sunset. And. And I remember, you know, I was doing all this funny stuff, you know, being a comedian. They're filming me and some of the stuff in a box. I would be like, what do you do with this? Like, do you just leave this in the backyard with a sign? This is what's left of the last person tried to break in the house. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, what's practical application?

[A]

Bird feeder on it.

[C]

Yeah. What practical application. Do some of these things? And I remember that I pulled a package of anal beads. And I asked the guy, I go, what do you do with the. I really didn't know this many years ago. And he explained. And I said, do you realize that most people live in terror that something's gonna come out involuntarily? Like, why would you pull something out on purpose? And then this was the kicker McKickerton. The package said dishwasher safe. And I'm thinking, I want to know who bought these. I am never having a casserole at their house. Like, who does? Like. And then the end of the bit, so to speak, the button was all these beautiful young kids and these luminescent cowboy hats. I said, do you guys ever just lock the doors and just all do each other in here? And they all looked at each other like, who told her? Wow, it was amazing. It was the perfect out on the bit, you know?

[A]

So I'm wondering if you're a bottom, if you still want the big hog.

[C]

Some do.

[A]

Well, I'm not saying some don't or do. I'm saying in general is that, are you shopping? If you're a top, you got a big hog. Are you a little less. Like, what if you're a top and you just got a massive hog and are you gonna have trouble finding bottoms? That's what I'm saying. Does it slow your roll a little bit?

[C]

I can't answer, but from a woman's perspective, the biggest one I ever saw was on a slim Jewish guy. And I took one look at it and I said, I don't. I don't know how to break this to you, but, like, you're getting. You're getting a hand job. Like, that's not. That's not going inside of any part of me because I will be whistling like a Coke bottle. Like, it's not happening. And he said, and he was a good looking guy, charming, lovely guy. And he said it was a problem for him. He said it happened to him all the time. The guys always brag about wishing they had a big one. And he said, it's an actual real problem. The guy needed to just have his own music on his phone. It was just pre cell phone, but like, da, da, da, da da. Like circus music, you know what I mean? He needed some kind of a warning what was gonna happen.

[A]

So you just gave him the hand.

[C]

I did. I was like, I don't know how to break this to you, but there's no way anything can happen with that.

[A]

Like, you know, in terms of bad news, that's flattering. Bad news. You know what I mean?

[C]

You would hope.

[A]

I would say he was okay with it. Although I would probably argue that having a huge hog is sort of akin to having huge tits and that the women that have them don't really like them because they can't. They always say, I wish I could go jog. I wish I could go do this.

[C]

My shoulders, my back hurts.

[A]

Deep bra straps and stuff. We go, oh, she wants those big titties and he wants that big dick. But it's probably a little more of a hassle, big picture in their life, right?

[C]

I think closer to the middle of the continuum is probably, you know, what most people are happy with when they see. Nobody likes a surprise in either direction

[A]

if you have a micro phallus. I got into this with Heather Locklear, who says she's been around a few of them.

[C]

I think most women have.

[A]

You've been around.

[C]

I saw one on a very attractive, well built guy and it was like a kid's thumb.

[A]

Do you have to give the gal a little heads up?

[C]

I got none.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I think if you have a massive hog or you have a micro phallus, at some point after the dinner and after the drinks, when we're making our way back to your place and we get up to the bedroom and you light a candle, I feel like I gotta do a little preamble before the pants drop. Like, just try to pardon the pun, soften the blow just a little bit. Like a little, you know.

[C]

You know, I think that's true of a lot of things. Like, I feel like when people. When you. It's different if you're not gonna be long term intimate with somebody, but if there's a chance that there's gonna be some sort of relationship. I remember I did a whole radio show on things you should disclose and things that you shouldn't. And I think that. I think if somebody's on serious medication or, you know, I had a guy just tell me right out. He said, I'm in remission. I'm taking this very serious drug by Novartis. I have cytoblastic leukemia. But right now I'm in remission. And I thought that was very cool. And I said, if you're not married and you're not gay and God gives you a hall pass out of this relationship, I'm okay with that. He said, I just felt I needed to tell you. Like, I could come out of remission and die very quickly. I was like, I can handle that.

[A]

That's a guy who wants a blowjob, who's lying.

[C]

No, he really did die. People would ask me, do you have a boyfriend? I'd say, let me call home and see if he's alive.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, all right, fine. Okay. The guy, Dawson, who allegedly has the biggest hog is that guy Jonah Falcon.

[C]

How do you know this?

[A]

Because I was. I saw him, like, highlighted on literally on some MTV thing once. I swear to God. Memories from the 2002 or something. But I think his name is Jonah Falcon. He's a sort of goofy white guy.

[B]

What do you want to know?

[A]

I probably heard him on Howard Stern or something like that.

[B]

The world's largest penis, 13 and a half inches erect.

[A]

Right, right. And he's just, you know, I feel this way. Hey, you know who Jonah Falcon is, Dawson?

[B]

Although he's the one who measured it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But has anyone seen it?

[B]

You know, he hasn't allowed any proof.

[A]

He's. He's.

[C]

But he's in the Guinness World Record.

[A]

He can't pull this off with a seven inch dick, though. He's. He's. I don't know how he's done it, but okay, here, Dawson, he's our Tiger woods. Because we can say, hey, brothers, Yeah, I know you guys think you dominate the sport, but guess what? Guess who's got the biggest hog. White dude. How do you like me now? So anyway, I was sitting around at home. All right, here's some homework for you, Andrew. There is an announcer for the NFL, I think it was on Thanksgiving when the NFL was playing on Thanksgiving Day on Netflix, I think. Was there something. Andrew, over, like, for Thanksgiving, the Thanksgiving game. We're on Netflix. Give me the name of the two guys who called that game, and then I'm gonna tell you who has the biggest hog in the world, and I'll tell you that. All right, so we'll figure that one out. I was sitting around on Thanksgiving thinking these thoughts. So Jonah Falcon.

[C]

Chalk it up to the Tryptophan.

[A]

Has the biggest. And had the turkey yet. Has the biggest.

[B]

Well, it's the. It wouldn't be Tony Romo, because you would remember that name.

[C]

Tony Romo.

[B]

Ian Eagle or something like that.

[A]

Yeah. What's his first name?

[C]

He dated Jessica Simpson.

[A]

I don't think it's Ian.

[B]

I think his son is in there, but I don't think his son was on Thanksgiving Day.

[A]

All right. Oh, okay. So who. Oh, Noah. Sorry. Noah Eagle is the guy called that game. Now, my whole thing, if Jonah Falcon has the biggest cock, then Noah Eagle has an even bigger cock, which is basically, I was doing the bird math,

[B]

Jim Eagle,

[A]

hog size. So this guy. I've decided that Noah Eagle has a bigger cock than Falcon.

[C]

How do we know this? How did you come to this?

[A]

Well, you look at a falcon and then you look at an eagle and you go, what's the more superior bird. Falcon's nice. Falcon is a queen or a jack, but eagle's an ace. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Falcon is swift and cunning, and the eagle is just huge.

[C]

He just sits on a tree.

[A]

Yeah. Guinness Book does not officially recognize the category of largest penis. They don't officially recognize it. Well, I gotta tell you, they have to verify. When we did the most downloaded podcast, the guy flew in from England and we had to put him up at a hotel. Yeah. Because if you think about Guinness, they can't just do shit over the phone. And they also can't pay to fly a guy to England and stay at a hotel. For every yahoo that's got some crazy claims, they would go broke. So they basically go, if you're serious about this, we'll come out and like, verify it or whatever. But you gotta pay for the hotel room.

[C]

That's cool.

[A]

It's kind of weird, but it makes sense. Of course, if you think about it. So the micropenis. No, heads up.

[C]

Here's what. Generally, I have found that men do. They compensate, usually men with a micro penis. And I've only encountered two in my whole life. But both of them were like ardent maker outers. Like, the foreplay was amazing. Like, they figure if sex is a meal and the entree is gonna be beef jerky, the side dishes better be amazing.

[A]

Yeah. Or maybe just jerky, which is what he has to do when he gets home. So they're saying, really pile on the creamed spinach.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And the mashed potatoes.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

Because that's steak is only 3 ounces, right? Ah, it's interesting. Overcompensation.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. If the side. And I. I'm gonna tell you a secret. If the side dishes are amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Women can often overlook a burnt, tiny entree.

[A]

I get it.

[C]

They can. They can.

[A]

You want the waggoo? Everything sounds sexual now, so I agree. Cause women are wired that way a little bit different. Right. So I swear to God, when I was talking to Heather Locklear about it, I swear to God she ran into a couple herself. Is this. This is more common than we think, this micropenis.

[C]

Because I just feel like every woman has a story.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And every woman has a story.

[A]

And what's weird is, like, I was on. Maybe this is like peanut allergies. Like, this shit didn't seem to exist when I was in high school. I don't. I went to high school, I played football for three years. I hung around a locker room with dudes and they all had hogs on them. And then I had my friends.

[C]

Well, they tend to avoid those kind of situations. It's like bedwetters. Don't go away to sleep away camp.

[A]

No, you're right.

[C]

I think the small hog guys, it's kind of like you're saying the teachers want to be teachers, you know?

[A]

Right, right.

[C]

I think the little dudes are like, you know what? I'm going to avoid situations.

[A]

Self selecting group. Right. Because I didn't. And I had my friends and I knew what all their dicks look like. And people think that's gay, but it just.

[C]

No, it's.

[A]

We just knew what they knew. I knew my dudes. We broke into the Mulholland club, go skinny dipping every night during the summer and stuff. I knew what everyone's dick looked like.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

And never saw the micro penis.

[C]

Penis. You know, we know what our friends boobs look like and.

[A]

All right, so here's the interesting thing. It says 1.5. So one and a half out of every 10,000. Jesus. Yeah.

[B]

Essentially it's one in 10,000. Really?

[C]

I think it's more than that.

[A]

It just means you and Heather Locklear are whores. In order to get to two micropenis, you had to sleep with 18,000 guys.

[C]

You had to see. You had to see. Or we just. Luck of the draw. We were just unlucky. Just unlucky.

[A]

All right, so micropenis or giant hog, you don't have to give a heads up on.

[C]

I think you should hint. It's a touchy subject. Pun intended. If you're not comfortable, it's like I say, there's things you just need to say ahead of time, you know, like some guys have three nipples. I think you need to let a girl know, when I take my shirt off, this is gonna look peculiar.

[A]

Right?

[C]

You know, I agree. Yeah. And. And even. Even health things like I say people. People need to know, you know that if you have asthma or something like herpes. Yeah, well, that's a given. You know, people have to tell. But it's so weird how I slept

[A]

with a girl who told me afterward she had herpes.

[C]

After.

[A]

After.

[C]

That's not cool.

[A]

You know what? She was a model.

[C]

If she wasn't having an active breakout, maybe she just felt like she was such a loser.

[A]

I was still thankful. I literally was. I was like, thank you. Anyway, I was thankful.

[C]

It was a good time.

[A]

Yeah. She was a model and. And I was, you know, kind of driving a truck and swinging a hammer and I wasn't really that's sexy to some women. Yeah, I did okay, but it was kind of few and far between. I had to kind of wait a while, you know, wasn't. There was no show business part. I was just roommates and driving a pickup and, you know, but, you know, I did good enough. I mean, actually, these are two model friends and I ended up sleeping with both of them. So I was.

[C]

So you were doing. So who's the whore now?

[A]

I know one of them had a micro vagina. No, it was. I don't know why. She had. Whatever happened to her end up being a doctor or something. Somebody. One of them, I think one of them ended up killing themselves later on.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

It was one of those things where I was reading up, like, what happened to Beth.

[C]

You know, I do that.

[A]

I look people up and I was like, where they end up or whatever. And she. All I found, or somebody found that she moved back to Tennessee. And then it had one of those things where, like, you know, dead at 53. And then one of those she's finally at peace kind of things. It wasn't, you know, ovarian cancer or truck drunk drivers. I mean, this kind of a sort of finally at peace kind of thing.

[C]

And I was like, read between the lines.

[A]

Doesn't sound.

[C]

No. One of the best nights of my life In January of 90, January 93, I spent with a nice young man. And just for fun, I looked him up and his obituary popped up. I was like, you know, we're not children, you and I. But even still, you know, anytime anybody under 70 dies, now I feel really bad. Like they were young, you know, but this guy was like 52, you know, he was young.

[A]

Yeah. I had another really good friend from the Groundlings who was lit. I've known some. Some good looking guys, but this guy looked. He looked like James Dean. And I've known some funny guys. And this guy was amongst the funniest guys. Most talented guys I'd ever worked with at the Groundlings. And he looked like James Dean.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And he killed himself later on.

[C]

Those things don't compute, do they?

[A]

Not to this guy who doesn't look like James Dean. Doesn't? No. I mean, it's nuts.

[C]

But then you hear about actor Jonathan Reese. Beautiful man, great actor. Attempted suicide.

[A]

Oh, did he? Yeah, absolutely did not know that. And then there's, you know, Martin Short's daughter. Just that. And then there was. Who was the actor who. Oh, oh, there was Carradine, who just killed himself.

[C]

Well, that was Otto Erotic.

[A]

I don't Think he. No, no. Other Carradine.

[C]

The other Carradine. Oh, yeah. You're not talking about in the closet with waiting for guests to come in Carradine?

[A]

No, no. Different Robert Carradine who's been in here. Sweetheart of a guy. Him too. Like, it's just. It's getting a little crazy out there.

[C]

Well, I think in our business, in particular, people have these abnormal markers and expectations of what's supposed to happen.

[A]

Well, you have to think of it in terms of this woman I was speaking of. She was a beautiful, beautiful blonde. She came out here from Tennessee. She was the belle of the ball. Never really took option. Made some money, did some modeling, made a couple of B movies or whatever. Then at some point, you turn 50, you realize it's not happening, and you move back to Tennessee.

[C]

Or you let Phil Spector shoot you.

[A]

Yes. You let Phil Spector shoot you. Unpopular opinion. But Phil Spector created such amazing music and so much incredible art that. That brought so much joy to so many millions of human beings. I would have never put him in prison. I would have given him a pass. I would have said, you know, you've done so much good. I mean, it'd be like if somebody said, what would you do if you go, look, here's the deal. You will invent a cure for cancer, but you get to shoot one cocktail waitress. I would go, you know what? Okay.

[C]

That's how I feel about Billy Joel. When Billy Joel wrecked into that house in Long island, he crashed into those people's house in the early 2000. I said, you're Billy Joel. They should have moved their house.

[A]

They should have cooked that house up and moved it. Was he drunk driving or something?

[C]

It's a known fact that he's been on, like, most everything but roller skates for a minute.

[A]

Right, right. Did he kill anybody or hurt anybody?

[C]

No, I don't think anybody was hurt, but he, like, crashed into a house. But, you know, I said, he wrote Lullaby. The house had to go.

[A]

I agree. Look, if it's an extreme, but that's

[C]

what they do in France. Remember? Don't you remember the woman that shot Dr. Tarnower?

[A]

Mm. Mm.

[C]

Well, when you go to jail in France, they look at the entirety of your life.

[A]

I'll buy that.

[C]

That's what they do. Cause I think her name was Jean Harris, and she shot a diet doctor who was very abusive to her and et cetera, et cetera. But she evidently taught people to read. She was, like, amazing. And they let her out of jail early.

[A]

Listen, I'LL take a look at your permanent record. Like I wanna know how much you paid in taxes, what kind of earner you are. Did you ever put your hands on anyone before this? You getting drunk at a Christmas party and driving home in the rain and knocking over some guy? Some guy who's a busboy riding home on his bicycle. It's bad. But I want to take a look at the totality of your life.

[C]

Well, it's not the same as malice. We don't the intention and malice have to account for something. It's not a level playing field.

[A]

I agree. Lana Clarkson was in fast times at Ridgemont High.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know she was. Oh, she was the hot wife of the goofy professor.

[C]

Yeah, she did a few things before she ended up where she ended up.

[A]

All right, let's give Monique a plug.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

MoniqueMarvez.com is where you go for all the live shows. Arts Garage In Delray Beach, Florida, coming up March 6th and 13th, Avalon Theater Eastern.

[C]

That's in Easton, Maryland.

[A]

Easton, Maryland. Great spot where it is. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll say bid adieu to Monique and we'll do the news with Dawson right after this. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road, everyone. They offer friendly, helpful service and all the knowledge you need. If I can't figure out something wrong with my car, sometimes I can't. But I usually use these guys for the race cars. A little more old school, you know, I'm not a computer guy. That's what you need with the new cars. But the old cars, man, you can pop that hood and get in there. They have thousands of parts in stock and can test your battery for free. Need wipers, a brake light or a quick fix? They can get the right part. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly are your one stop shop for DIY auto stuff in stores online. Either way, it's always O'Reilly. Am I right, Dawson?

[B]

Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[D]

Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows.

[C]

I swear, if I'm lying, I'm dying.

[A]

This is the mindset.

[C]

Free.

[A]

This is the mantra. Free.

[D]

This is the with movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls and Gladiator, why you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free.

[A]

Huzzah.

[D]

Pluto TV. Stream now pay never.

[B]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Adam, got a hypothetical NFL player named for you. Defrauding banks. That's a D with an apostrophe. Later, you can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[A]

That's a good one. The apostri defrauding banks. I don't know why the leader is still Glendora Bevmo. And I don't know why that one makes everyone laugh. Oh, quick Mike August story for you. Just cause Dawson enjoys. Everyone enjoys a good Mike August story.

[B]

Absolutely. I've lived a few of them.

[A]

I woke up this morning. Now, I'm gonna set this against a backdrop of I was out of town doing a one nighter in Colorado last weekend. Also, I did the Byron Allen show, which is like six tapings in one day. And my girlfriend's out of town doing a show in San Francisco, and I'm sitting alone in the condo and my compass is a little off. Like I'm trying to figure out days and dates when you don't work.

[B]

Where do I got to be?

[A]

When you work weekends, do your days get.

[B]

What's today?

[A]

There's no difference between a Monday and a weekend. And so anyway, I wake up this morning and Mike had sent me a text and I'd been up for like five minutes and I was just sitting looking at this text that Mike sent me and we put it up on the thing. It says, can you do Dallas radio in 9am hour Thursday morning?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I started looking at it and I was like, Thursday morning? Wait a minute, isn't today Thursday? And I was like, today's Thursday. Is that today? This morning? Thursday. What day? Oh, today. Oh, must be Wednesday. Today must be Wednesday.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Then I go, wait a minute, I think today's Thursday. Today's Thursday, right? Then I go, oh, oh, oh. He must have sent it last night.

[B]

And you're just waking up to it. But then he would say, tomorrow. But then

[A]

I look and it says, look at the time. Blow up the time. He sent it at 8:31. Thursday. He sent the thing at 8:21. He sent the thing 15 minutes before I looked at it. So I was like, oh, no, he sent this today. Oh, Thursday.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, it must be today. Must be Wednesday.

[B]

Today must be Wednesday. Or he meant Friday, but go on.

[A]

So I go, yes. And then I wrote today. And then he wrote, yes. So. So his way of communicating. If he wants you to do a radio phoner 20 minutes from now is to not say, can you do a radio phoner 9am today? He chooses to say Thursday, which makes you think you're going insane because you go, he can't be talking about today. He's asking about Thursday. So today must not be Thursday. Or maybe it's the next week.

[B]

Right. But you're not in Dallas the next week. So this is all very Mike August, right?

[A]

No, all it is is they want to know if you can do a phone or on Thursday. So he writes phoner on Thursday, but he doesn't say this morning or today. That's what makes Mike Mike. And then Mike would defend himself by saying, it's Thursday.

[B]

Yeah, it's Thursday.

[A]

Right. And I would say. But nobody else speaks that way. And that's why it's super confusing. You can file this under when he'll go. It'll be Monday. And he'll go, can you do that show next Friday? And I'll go, next Friday or this Friday? Oh, yeah, this Friday. I'll go, okay, but don't say next. Next Friday is the one after the ride. But shouldn't do. Shouldn't have. I literally sat my living room in my bathrobe and I convinced myself that today was Wednesday instead of Thursday.

[B]

Here's the thing, too. And Mike August listens to this show every day, and I love him for it. He's been with you for so long. At what point should he just know these things and know who he's talking to?

[A]

He doesn't know what he's sending. He doesn't know what he's saying. That's. Is there another person on the planet? This is not new. I know Mike August has been doing

[B]

this for the 20 years I've known him.

[A]

I know, I know. Thursday, Thursday. I love it, by the way, Thursday. He means he sent it at 8:21. And he wants it for the 9am hour. He wants it in a half hour. In a half hour. He wants. He's booked. He's angling starting half hour from now.

[B]

20 minutes from now, Thursday morning. Right, right.

[A]

All right. Anyway.

[B]

Anyway. Fresno, California, big news coming out of there. A registered sex offender has launched a Fresno city council campaign.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

To represent a district in Fresno.

[A]

This guy's got a look.

[B]

Very crowded field. But here's what he had to say about it.

[A]

I believe Fresno deserves leaders that are honest from the very beginning, not the end. So going into this, I am putting

[E]

my life out there up front about his status as a registered Sex offender Renee Campos is not running from his past as he runs for office.

[C]

I've been given the chance to rehabilitate

[A]

through the courts and back into the system.

[E]

Charged with being in possession of child sex abuse material back in 2018, the Fresno native says he pled no contest to a misdemeanor charge. Now launching his campaign to represent District 7 on the Fresno City Council, he says his focus is on safety.

[A]

So I say let's choose somebody outside

[C]

the box, somebody who knows the system from inside out. Because me, I've experienced the laws that

[A]

we are trying to reform right now.

[E]

Fresno county clerk and registrar voters James Coos says state law does not prevent a registered sex offender from running for office.

[A]

Once you leave prison, you're on probation, you actually are allowed in California to reapply and become a registered voter again, which would then make you eligible to be able to run as long as you are living in the proper jurisdiction.

[B]

Now, listen, this guy doesn't stand a chance in hell. Right? Possession of child sexual content abuse material. I'm not sure what that is. It could be California images or.

[A]

Yeah, I got it, Andrew. California's. We can elect anybody for anything. I would rather have him than Katie Porter or Gavin Newsom or somebody on that council. I really would. Cause he may have an idea or two. I agree with Outside, above and beyond the sexual predators list, you know what I mean? Like he may have some solid ideas about traffic or infrastructure or something. Well, I mean, if you're dealing with a Karen Bass or a Gavin Newsom or Katie Porter or Nithya Raman, they don't have any ideas that are good. Right, Right. So the pedophile may have a couple of good ideas and be a pedophile, you know what I'm saying? And consider that I'm not a nine year old boy, then I just get the good roads that he's providing and I don't have to worry about whatever he's doing on the weekends. So I might vote for him over Anithyaraman Tyrann. All right, who, by the way, you know that it's not a coincidence. It's not like, well, me and Nithya Rahman or Gavin Newsom or whomever, we disagree on the school voucher system, but obviously we're on the same page with the border and ice or whatever. I mean, you watch Trump's State of the Union. I agree with everything Trump says they agree with. They disagree with everything he says. So it's not gonna be, you know, it's not a scene where it's like, well, we may find some common ground on this subject or that subject. Their ideas are retarded, so you're gonna be against every idea they have. Mondame. It's not like you and Mondame agree on this and that, but not the other.

[B]

Fresno in the Central Valley is a fairly conservative leaning area. And it is possible that if every other candidate in this city council election leans towards Trump, and he's the only one who doesn't, he stands a very good chance of at least advancing after the June primary.

[A]

This guy's got the saddest thing ever, which is he had the big gauges in his ears.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Stretched out.

[B]

You can never take those out.

[A]

And now he's got the flappy skin there. Yep. I would be very. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what I told my son. I said, listen, you can. I don't like those big gauge hoop earring things. Stretch out like a native, you know? But I'm not going to tell you what to do. And if that's a road you decide to go down, you can. But at some point at a Thanksgiving years from now, I'm going to get drunk and try to fuck that cage. And we'll do it in front of everybody, including your fiance or whoever you're with. And it's gonna be ugly. So I'm not telling you not to do it, but anticipate this, you know? Yeah. And you know what, Dawson? What? Not even a stud. That kid's got nothing. Nothing.

[B]

That's just good parenting.

[A]

I would call that a success.

[B]

Yeah, right there. Regarding this, Fresno City council told him,

[A]

measure twice, cut once. So was that all weird sexual stuff? Some of it was regular homespun advice.

[B]

Absolutely. Well, my good friend Kinky Friedman always said that each elected official said, should serve two terms, one in office and one in prison. This guy already got prison out of the way.

[A]

You know what I told my son when he complained about me ear fucking him? What? I said, spare the rod, spoil the child. Yeah.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

He knew what it meant.

[B]

He knows. That'll shut him up real quick.

[A]

That's right. Yeah.

[B]

New photo floating around the Internet. A photo of Stephen Hawking with two women in bikinis has emerged in the latest batch of the Epstein files.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

A family spokesperson said the two women were the late physicists caretakers and that the photo was taken at a Science Symposium in 2006.

[A]

Hmm. But

[B]

it's all related to the Epstein investigation. Here's the thing. Right now, I'm producing I produce our friend of the show, Ralph Pizzulo's podcast, Heroes behind Headlines.

[A]

Love that guy.

[B]

And the one that we're into right now. He interviews the author of an upcoming Epstein related book based on the account of a 20 year old would be model out of South Africa.

[A]

And

[B]

there is much more to this whole Epstein thing than everyone thinks. It's not necessarily just about children and sex with children. There's some real stem cell neuro science. Yeah, live forever. Weird effing shit.

[A]

Well, there is, there is a thing, Dawson.

[B]

And so it doesn't surprise me that Hawking would be related to this.

[A]

Yeah, okay, okay, let me just say something. Life, if you go look, you know, you fall off the back of a cruise ship, you're just trying to survive. You're trying to keep your head literally above water until somebody finds you. You're literally survival. You're not really thinking about, oh, we're gonna have sushi for brunch or something like that. You just, all you think is live, right? And then if you can swim and get to an island, once you get to the island, you just kind of think about shelter and eating coconuts and no one's thinking about eating a steak, filet or anything. It's just survive, survive, survive. And most people are sort of in kind of survival mode. Like most people are paycheck to paycheck. The problems are like right in front of their face all the time. You know, it's a lot of shit. I gotta get that roof redone, but I don't have $26,000. Shit, I may have to buy a tarp and put it over. When you get to a point where money is literally not a concern because there's literally so much of it that you can go to any restaurant, order everything. You've completely eliminated money 100%. It all the struggles that we have that are surrounding making money and the spending of money. And yeah, I'd like a new truck, but I can only afford a used truck or whatever. All that, it's all gone. It's all gone. Then your brain sits around and there is no more struggle and there is no more work and there is no more concern and obsession. And you think about your life. 80% of the waking moments are sort of like, gotta get this, I gotta go to work, I gotta pay for that. I could do this. I got another opportunity for that. I can work this, go and do this. Going to go do that. Now you remove it all. Now you're into stem cells and living forever and drinking the blood of virgins. And you'll start going into some places, right? Because everyone else is busy surviving all the time. And I don't mean surviving like trapping wildebeest in the woods. I just mean just surviving. You're working, you're taking care of shit. It's stuff's gotta be taken care of. These guys have removed all of that and now they're into some sort of, how am I gonna live forever? Because also, who the fuck wants to have enough money for 154 lifetimes and you die at 63 and a half, you know what I mean? I got a fucking. I got a 200 foot yacht. I wanna spend some time on that yacht. I don't wanna spend the last 10 years of my life on that yacht. I'm gonna spend the last 200 years of my life on that yacht, you know? So that's why I think it always takes a turn for something, you know, for the sinister. It could be sinister, but it could also just be weird, you know what I mean? That's kind of my Mick Jagger theory. When you get to fuck vaguely nefarious, you get to fuck whoever you want for an extended period of time. Eventually you just gotta blow David Bowie or something. You know what I mean? You gotta mix things up because it's just too. That's why I always believed in the Richard Gere gerbil story, because you're fucking Cindy Crawford.

[B]

I've read a.

[A]

You're fucking Cindy Crawford. So what if you nail a raider at who gives a fuck? You're fucking Cindy. Where are you going from here? You know? I mean, all the fat truck drivers who make $52,000 a year are fantasizing about Cindy Crawford. Richard Gere's tired of fucking Cindy Crawford. So where do you go, right? Full gerbil.

[B]

Well, that's. Look, I mean, it reminds me of an article I read in Rolling Stone a long time ago about someone who was a roadie for Motorhead. And this guy was so, like, there's so many drugs, so many. And at first, when you're picking girls to go backstage, he would, you know, have fun with the girls. Finally, his whole thing isn't working because he's so riddled with drugs. He had girls line up and he threw lunch meat at them, right? And if it stuck, you got to go backstage. So, yeah, that's the things that. That you will do when money or other things aren't working. It's. It's pretty disgusting. But one of the things coming out in this podcast and It's. It's incredibly interesting. Really difficult to produce. But what Epstein did with this one person is they were at, you know, he had a function in South Africa, and she happened to be in the same vicinity, sent people over to her other young models, you know, maybe 23, 24 years old, and said, hey, would you be interested in auditioning for this model thing? Whatever. Then they say that people are interested in having you as a model. Put them into a room and then ask them questions like, how close are you to your family? What's your relationship with your father? What's your financial situation right now? And all these questions to find out if these people are kidnappable. Essentially, yeah. And then within a period of 36 hours or, you know, 72 hours there, she was flown from South Africa to New York City. Four hours later, she's on another plane to the Epstein island. The next day, she's on another plane to Paris. And he would keep these girls isolated, hungry and tired, and was really into mind control.

[A]

Epstein, yes.

[B]

So there's a whole new wrinkle to this that I really hope does get exposed.

[A]

What about the whole, how'd he fucking make so much money? He wasn't even that bright a guy, right?

[B]

That I do not know.

[A]

I did have to tell Chuck, who's in the tribe, he's a proud Jew in the next room. He was excited that the hockey player for the USA team, Jack, was a Jew. But I had to explain to him, Epstein's a Jew too. So reel it in a little, bro.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? They're not so great. Not all of them, not all of them are scoring winning goals. You know, it's hit or miss right now. Yeah, that's a lot of range. We're doing very well. Which is interesting because now Epstein was basically like an accountant. So you go, all right, now that's good old fashioned Jew work there. But scoring pucks, you know, putting a puck in the net, it's not old school Jew work. But lo and behold, there you are excelling on the ice, but the accountant, not so much. Wow. It's important to kind of keep people grounded. It's like Casey Kasem would say, you know what I mean? Keep your feet on the ground, your head in the stars.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

He doesn't say, keep your feet and your head in the stars. No, keep that feet on the ground. That's when I had to tune up Chuck about Epstein being a Chew the other day. That's what I was doing. I was First. I'm good.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's just good. I hope you wrote it down, Chuck.

[A]

He didn't have to write down.

[B]

Put it above your toilet. You read it every day.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

The FBI raided the headquarters of the LA Unified School District. Finally, we're going after corruption in California, fraud in California, the second largest school district in the US as well as the home of the district superintendent, Alberto Carvalho.

[A]

Oh, we need more people of color in position. What? They're just as fucking corrupt as everyone else.

[B]

This is an ongoing investigation. Exactly. This is an ongoing investigation. But we can confirm that a search warrant pursuant. Under seal. Court Authorized. Authorized warrant. And no further comment. But the district is cooperating. We're going to find out where millions and millions and millions of dollars have actually gone. I hope.

[A]

Oh, well, California is going to be much worse than Minneapolis or Minnesota. But here's the thing. I'll put it to you this way, Dawson. It's what I don't understand. It's like Mandami's like, we need more money. We've got to raise some taxes, get some property taxes going. It's always, what's wrong? Paying Abigail Spanberger. Whatever her name is. Shriver. Whatever her name is. I can't remember her name, but she's talking about raising clatt right in Virginia. She's going to raise some tax. Okay. Like we said, New York City, the city already has a higher budget than the state of Florida. And you want to just ratchet it up a little bit. Little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. And by the way, I've lived here my whole life. It's always like, look, what we're going to do is we're going to do a half cent. We're going to raise taxes on each gallon of gas every time. It's temporary. Half gas. Half cent per gallon.

[B]

Never temporary.

[A]

And it just keeps rolling over. All I'm saying is this. We all live in this house. And there's two ways to heat this house in the dead of winter. We can either get a furnace that blows some hot air, which we have, and then shut the windows and shut the curtains and insulate the bottom of the door where the light's peeking through, and do it that way, where we'll be burning some of the fur. Furnace fuel, but we'll insulate, or we can do what the Democrats do, which is leave all the windows open and just keep saying, we need a bigger furnace and we need more fuel going into the furnace. The fuel into the furnace is tax dollars. And my thing is, how about we shut the windows? Like, look, I want a warm house. You want a warm house. It's a combination of putting gas into the furnace, putting heating oil into the furnace, but it's also combination of insulation, shutting the windows, being practiced. Shutting the flue for the fireplace and putting a strip under the door, the sweep under the door. Like, it's both things. It can't just be more fuel for the furnace. How about you shut the fucking windows, right? How about we stop giving millions and billions to NGOs and homeless camp, you know, NGOs and daycare learning centers and autism research. How about we doge it up a little bit, which is closing the window. And the fact that you guys spaz out when somebody says, why don't we close the window so all the hot air doesn't escape and we'll still give you fuel for the furnace, but it's burning at such a rate right now that it's insane. What's wrong with closing the window? And they go, that's an outrage.

[B]

It's as if we have a hole in our gas tank and we have a lot of driving to do. And the answer is, well, we're just gonna have to pull over and fill up more often. Don't fix the hole.

[A]

Right. Fix the hole and we'll put gas in it. All right, we got a classic this.

[B]

So this guy, this guy who is under investigation right now, one of Newsom's sweethearts. Newsom's a little long winded here, but he gets to him.

[A]

He loves a Hispanic guy.

[B]

He loves Hispanic guy.

[A]

We've seen improved academic achievement in every subject area, at every grade level, in every student group, with greater gains of test scores for black and Latino kids. He's lying.

[C]

That's not true.

[A]

In California's public educational system.

[B]

I think we're 49 out of 50 right now. I'm not 100% sure. It's a point of pride, though.

[A]

Pride that those gains are particularly pronounced in Los Angeles, nation's second largest school district.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I just want to say this to the teachers, the classified employees, and to the parents of LA Unified School Kids. You should be very proud of your project progress you're making. Particularly proud of your leader who's here. Superintendent of Public Education, Alberto Cavallo, who's here with us today.

[B]

Can't even say his name.

[A]

Alberto. Alberta, I appreciate you coming all the way up from Los Angeles.

[B]

Any chance I can crap on Newsom? I'll take. I had Seen this video as soon as this story came. And I said, great.

[A]

Yeah, he's great. He loves them all. He does this certitude thing about being number one gains in whatever. And it's like Louisiana Unified's a piece of shit and it costs way too much to educate a kid. And by the way, there is no connection between the amount they pay and the grades and the test scores. Please get it out of your head.

[B]

Every single election cycle, we are faced with a new tax to pay for schools, Right? And the results are not there now. The money's not.

[A]

There's only. So look, if the parents are involved, the school's good and the kids will get an education. If the parents aren't involved, then they won't. As I was explaining to Newsom when he was on our show, that certain cultures do not put the emphasis on

[B]

education, family and education like others.

[A]

But I was attacked, soundly attacked. And that was the great Huffington Post headline from the following day which said, adam Carolla wants to know what's wrong with blacks. That's what I said. Well, literally.

[B]

Literally that was said. But he said, no, there's context.

[A]

Don't have access to. Exactly.

[B]

He said, what's wrong with them?

[A]

I said, what's wrong with them? But I like the way having to do.

[B]

Why do Armenians have it?

[A]

Why? I love that strategy. All right, let's do one more. What do you got?

[B]

A Los Angeles police officer has been charged with felony insurance fraud. He was spotted skydiving while on disability leave. He hurt his elbow while on duty in 2023.

[A]

Let me. Alright, play it. Sorry.

[B]

And then he. Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

Officer. Finding himself on the wrong side of the law. Charged with felony insurance fraud after he was spotted skydiving while on disability leave. The district attorney says Christopher Carnahan of Norwalk was claiming to be temporarily totally disabled at the time after injuring his elbow on duty. And the skydiving apparently wasn't a one time thing. Prosecutors say Carnahan completed many skydives and also worked out in a fitness center. He's being held now on $100,000 bail. If he's convicted, he faces up to six years behind bars.

[B]

He's being held on $100,000 bail. That implies that he hasn't posted. Bailey.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I will say this, facing six years.

[A]

Listen to me, everybody. When you give people an out, most people will take the out. If you say. And look, people used to be God fearing. They used to have dignity. They used to go, I can't be bought. Good day. Sir, that kind of stuff. Now everyone can be bought. No one has dignity and no one's God fearing. So God sort of kept you in line.

[B]

The only thing that stands in that way is dignity. But, yeah, go on.

[A]

You start, you start saying, you know, Americans with disabilities, if you can't, you know, if you go to the bathroom at the restaurant, there's no grab bar next to the toilet and you're in a wheelchair, you can't sue that. Then a whole cottage industry of lawyers pop up who sue restaurants. That's all they do is sue restaurants. And they never go to court. They get paid, they settle, they settle. And the second you go, well, look, we're gonna do this thing where if it's a discrimination lawsuit type thing where it's like wrongfully terminated because your ethnicity, because, okay, then all of a sudden you can't fire a black guy, you can't fire a Mexican guy, you can't fire a lesbian because every single fucking one of them will go to a lawyer and then you'll just have to cut him a check. And it creates that. Now you go, well, we don't want discrimination. I don't want it either. But you've created something just like the Somali leering center. You say to a fucking mom who's poor, listen, if your kid has some down syndrome or autism, you'll get an extra thousand bucks a month. And it's a spectrum. So nine year old Timmy over there, is he ever, oh, tune out when you're talking or is he ever go in his room and just lay there with the lights off or close his eyes when he's talking or something? Yeah, he does all that. Good. Here's a thousand bucks. Everyone's going to do it all the time because how fucking incredibly weak everybody is and how everyone is missing their dignity. And by the way, there's no such thing as being a man anymore and having quiet dignity or being stoic. It's just a bunch of fucking mother grubbing, motherfucking money grubbing fucking pussies who just want free shit. It's all dogs at the airport. They're going to take advantage of everything. You cannot offer it and you can't offer it on a fucking spectrum. And you can't have some fucking NGO that goes, hey, we'll take all the money from the, from the concert for the fire victims and we'll figure out who gets the money and none of this shit works. It's gonna be corruption everywhere. Every city, every town with a program is gonna have Corruption. The program creates the corruption. If you say to a cop, a fireman, you can retire and you can get full pay. If you fucking injure yourself on the job, then they're gonna go, yeah, I spilled a cup of coffee in my crotch and I can't. And it's always, I can't walk in my. How many fucking people. You tell people about disability. All of a sudden everyone's got a fucking bad back and they're home. The dream of every person is not to work and get paid. That's what it is. Especially if your job involves having gang bangers shoot at you. Well, then you fucking do what you want to do, which is skydive.

[B]

If you live in Norwalk, you should probably go a little further than Lake Elsinore. Yeah. To skydive. You're going to be seen.

[A]

I feel like these people, they play it close to the vest for the first six months and then they start getting sloppy and stupid.

[B]

But anyway, because they think they're smart. That's another effect of this. People think they are smarter than everyone else and they're really stupid.

[A]

The system creates. This is my argument. So stop. It's like you can enforce it or you can get rid of the system that creates it. All right, My cars, all the Newman cars. March 22nd, Santa Ana, California. I'll be there. We're doing a live podcast there. That's at the Jordan Family Classic Cars. And you can come by and say hi. Go to amcroll.com for that. Monique Marvez, everybody, @moniquemarvez.com Dawson, any plugs for you?

[B]

Yeah, I'm going to be on the high seas all next week. Oh, yeah, hosting Cruise to the Edge, the prog rock extravaganza.

[A]

Can't wait for the stories.

[B]

Another great show is coming up. Follow me, DasAngelis.

[A]

Till next time, man. Curl for Monique Marvez in Dos Angeles saying mahalo.

[B]

Be sure to join us on March 22nd in Santa Ana at Jordan Family Classic Cars. We're doing a special event with Paul Newman's Race Cars. Leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and get tickets to see Adam Corolla this weekend in the big [e-mail].

[D]

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[D]

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This is the mantra.

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