Mr. Skin + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show – “Mr. Skin + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)”

Release Date: April 25, 2025

Welcome to a special episode of The Adam Carolla Show, titled “Mr. Skin + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics).” This episode revisits some of the most memorable moments from the show's extensive history, featuring guests Mr. Skin and Dana Gould. Known for his unfiltered humor and candid discussions, Adam delivers an engaging blend of interviews, comedic segments, and insightful conversations.

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1. Introduction to Carolla Classics

Giovanni introduces "Cruel Classics," a companion podcast that highlights fan-selected clips from the past 16 years of The Adam Carolla Show. He mentions the availability of ad-free archives and encourages listeners to subscribe for exclusive content.

Notable Quote:

Giovanni [01:05]: “We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics… make sure to check it out and subscribe.”

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2. Meeting Mr. Skin

Adam shares his experience meeting Mr. Skin at the Park West Live show, highlighting Mr. Skin's friendly nature and his fame from hosting his website and appearing on the Howard Stern Show.

Notable Quote:

Larry Miller [03:09]: “I met Mr. Skin at the Park West Live show. Really nice guy, super handsome too.”

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3. Discussion on Nick Cage’s “Drive Angry”

The hosts delve into Nick Cage’s latest film, “Drive Angry,” critiquing his shift from critically acclaimed roles to more action-oriented, supernatural characters. Donnie recounts his experience watching the movie with Bill Simmons, commenting on the high ticket prices at Arc Light Theater.

Notable Quote:

Donnie [08:22]: “I saw Nick Cage's new movie, Drive Angry today with Bill Simmons. Oh, man. Awesome.”

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4. News Segment: Passing of Mike Starr

In a somber moment, the show reports the death of Mike Starr, former bassist of Alice in Chains. The hosts express their condolences and discuss the tragic impact of drug addiction, referencing Starr’s appearance on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [25:47]: “His body was found at 142… it's a terrible shock and tragedy.”

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5. Interactive Game: “Blah, Blah, Blah”

The episode features the game “Blah, Blah, Blah,” where participants guess celebrities based on pre-recorded monologues. Guests like Gene Simmons and Roseanne Barr are featured, leading to humorous interactions and playful banter.

Notable Quote:

Gina Grad [34:51]: “Facts and data rather than opinion are the two cornerstones of problem-solving…”

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6. Excerpts from Adam’s Fake Pregnancy Memoir

Adam introduces humorous excerpts from his fictional memoir, “What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting,” showcasing his signature comedic style through exaggerated and witty takes on pregnancy scenarios.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [31:14]: “It's called What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting. And I have an excerpt from chapter one…”

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7. Anatomy Awards with Patrick Warburton

In collaboration with Mr. Skin and Patrick Warburton, the hosts present the Anatomy Awards, humorously ranking and awarding categories related to nudity in films and television. The segment features lively discussions on memorable nude scenes and performances.

Notable Quote:

Patrick Warburton [54:35]: “We have categories like Best Thong and Best Lesbian Scene… It’s all in good fun.”

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8. Subway vs. Local Sub Shops Debate

The hosts engage in a spirited debate comparing Subway to local sub shops, criticizing Subway's pre-weighed ingredients and lack of freshness. They advocate for supporting local businesses and express frustration with large chains dominating the market.

Notable Quote:

Larry Miller [78:12]: “Subway's not a good sub shop… I don't want pre-weighed meat.”

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9. Febreze’s $1 Billion Sales Achievement

Adam highlights Febreze’s remarkable sales milestone, discussing its success in the market despite economic downturns. The conversation touches on marketing strategies and consumer preferences.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [77:48]: “Febreze made $1 billion in sales last year… It’s a small club which includes brands like Camper's Tide and Pantene.”

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10. Audience Interaction and Live Show Promotions

The episode includes interactions with live audiences, promoting upcoming shows, book signings, and charity events. The hosts encourage listeners to attend live events at venues like Lovett's Comedy Club and the Music Box Theater in LA.

Notable Quote:

Larry Miller [91:53]: “We're gonna be at Lovett's Comedy Club tomorrow night… check that out.”

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11. Closing Remarks and Future Promotions

The hosts wrap up the episode by summarizing key points, thanking guests, and promoting future episodes and events. They maintain a lighthearted and humorous tone, ensuring listeners stay engaged and look forward to upcoming content.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla [91:41]: “Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Bryan, Dan Finnerty, Patrick Warburton and of course Allison Rosen saying, mahalo.”

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show masterfully blends humor, candid conversations, and engaging segments, offering listeners a nostalgic trip through some of the show’s best moments. Featuring insightful discussions with Mr. Skin and Dana Gould, alongside interactive games and news segments, Adam Carolla continues to deliver a dynamic and entertaining podcast experience.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the provided instructions.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Craving your next action packed adventure, Audible delivers thrills of every kind on your command, like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinction. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spine tingling horror and romance and far off realms, unleash your adventure aside with gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us that's audible.com wondery us.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we put the best moments highlights on fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Crolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics. You can find the ad free archives available through Podcast One Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Crolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, and exclusive access to Adam's new show Beat it out through his [e-mail] make sure to check it out and subscribe. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics adamcarolla.com now note on that we cannot play anything from old Loveline nor the Kayla Sex Adam Crolla morning show unless it first played on the podcast and Adam did commentary about that clip of that moment. So certain things that's happened with like the Ann Coulter hang up some famous Loveline moments like the Holocaust call a couple other things. But for the most part that stuff can never be played as clips on Classics. If you'd like to hear any of that stuff or have any other questions, please find [e-mail] Giovanni that's where I handle all those other questions for shows and things that can't be put in this feed. Now let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Cole show 518 featuring Mr. Skin, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011. I met Mr. Skin at the Park West Live show. Really nice guy, super handsome too. Surprisingly famous for his website and then his on air performance on Howard Stern show along with a bunch of the serious after shows and various things they did circa 2005 2006. Really fun ACS guest on his very first appearance back in 2009 they tried to do something very inventive. They put out an M4A podcast file with embedded pictures from the various nude scenes Playboy shoots or whatever it is happened to be. Well, not necessarily something they had license to do and also not accessible for a lot of people on Android devices or on non Apple podcast playback devices. So there's a lot of kerfuffle from fans who couldn't download that day's episode or were able to download it and not access the rich media that was discussed in the episode. Almost as like bookmarks or stopping points where people look at the specific nude scene where Adam and Mr. Skinn were discussing said nudes. This episode had no such controversy. Let's all listen together and enjoy it. Check it out.

[Larry Miller]

The great Larry Miller sitting in with us. Mr. Skinn joining us soon. We're going to do some blah, blah, blah, which I always enjoy. Larry's going to hang with us, play blah, blah, blah. And let's see, a couple things had a funny moment today at the dinner table. I always told you that was always a great source of amusement for me, that I had a barber who was. God, I can't remember if the guy was Cuban or he was somewhere from Venezuela or something like that.

[Donnie]

I think I speak for Larry when I say, what's a barber?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, he's a guy who sings on stage. So he said, I always tell this one, he would tell me he was going to. He was looking at new cars and he was thinking about trading his bobo in for Saab. And I would go, now, I don't mind you saying bobo, but when you say sav now I'm pissed because I know you can say the V and I know you can say the B, and you just refuse to put it in the right place. The bobo in a bubble, no problemo. Bubble in a bubble, no problemo. But the bobo for the sav. And today I'm sitting around at the dinner table this evening and we're watching Curious George. And my Guatemalan nanny always calls it the man with the jello hat. That's the man with the yellow hat is called the man with the jello hat. But my wife says, you call my best friend Jody. You call her Yodi. So which is it, bitch? You know what I'm saying? Is it the man with the jello hat? And if it is, aren't you dying to call someone Jody?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's Corollas are cracking down.

[Larry Miller]

Yodi and the man with the Jello hat again, which is it? And it reminds me, the English will do this all the time. They'll say they'll say, the water at the spar was awesome. You know, it's like, spar. It's spa. And it's not water, it's wa. Er. And which is it? Are you dying to put an R at the end of something or an A at the end of something?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what?

[Alison Rosen]

If you. To try to get people to change those speech patterns, all I can say is rats a rock.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I loved it when one of Jimmy's relatives from, like, Long island said, do you see that Hanner and Her Sisters movie? All right, so anyway, it's Yodi and the man with the Jello Hat. And it's always funny, of course, when it forms another word unbeknownst to them, you know, the jello. A Jello hat is a very ridiculous. It is a sort of. It'd be a good name for an indie band. Jello hat. Like, there could be nothing less useful or more. Less useful than a jello hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like a Bond film.

[Larry Miller]

Jello hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Man with the Jello hat.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know. To me. To me it sounds. I mean, if you're talking about Jello, like we think Jello hat. It sounds. It sounds like maybe it's this guy's.

[Adam Carolla]

About a dumb person.

[Larry Miller]

No, no, it's. This guy's about as useful as a Jello hat storm.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I said bring your thinking cap.

[Dan Finnerty]

You brought your Jello hat.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, Jello Hat sounds like the title just before they got the title they used.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, right.

[Alison Rosen]

Jello Hat.

[Larry Miller]

That was the working title.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, maybe Golden Arm. All right, Golden Arm.

[Adam Carolla]

Or we were talking about when a man has what you call leather or a semi or coke dick. That could also be like, nah, he.

[Larry Miller]

Had his Jello hat guy to Jello hat tried his hardest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you missed this, Larry. It's what you miss when you're not here.

[Donnie]

I wouldn't say he missed it.

[Larry Miller]

I saw Nick Cage's new movie, Drive Angry today with Bill Simmons. Oh, God. Oh, man. Awesome. That boy.

[Donnie]

What would Bill have said about it?

[Larry Miller]

What? Dear Darren met the ace man over at the Arklight Theater for matinee to sit. Driving Angry with Nick Cage at Yoda. Cage. $17 for a ticket. What hell happened to that day? That's what happened. I was like. I did this thing where I walked in and I said, you know, it was a 2 o'clock movie and. And Bill was sitting there, you know, we're both rich white guys, and he's sitting there holding my ticket. And I said, we usually hit the concession stand. I Have an invention. I mix the M&M's with the popcorn and make the suicide. So normally he does that. He named it. That's my invention. So anyway, go, Pat. So I said, so it's kind of thing where he got there five minutes before I did and he bought my ticket. So I said. I said, all right, well, let's head over to the concession stand and I'll buy the makings of your invention, your popcorn with your M&Ms. And he said, $17, Ace, man. And I thought, wow, $17. But I don't blame him. I would have asked for the 17 back, too. I thought it was going to. I thought tickets over there for some reason were like, well, first off, here's what I thought. I thought tickets were like, 13, $14. Then I thought for the Nick Cage movies. And by the way, we're the only two human beings in the theater. Literally the only two human beings. I thought the Nick Cage stuff would be more in the 10 to 11 range. And then I thought because it was a matinee the middle of the week, that it'd be more in the 78 range. I didn't know there was no more matinees. And there's no discounts for non Oscar contenders.

[Adam Carolla]

You probably wouldn't have gone, I know.

[Donnie]

You have the wrong theater, dude. Yeah, I go to the. Well, the relatively cheaper $10 matinee down by my place.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, really? Is it Arc Light?

[Donnie]

No, it's an amc. No, that's True City.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I like the Arc Lights. It's a better theater. I thought Bill was gonna pay, but he's right. It's 17 bucks. It's insane. And again, just like when we saw John Cena and the Marine, we're the only two dudes in the theater. It's a little confusing when you're the only two dudes in the theater and you can sit wherever you want. It's a little too much choice. Do you know what I mean? Like, you do. There's that. It is nice to see a little open patch and go find.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you still sit together?

[Larry Miller]

I said, we're sitting together because we're neat. We're gonna need to narrate and critique. And then at a certain point, we sat in what I thought was the middle, but I scooted over one or two more seats. So I gave him top dead center. You know, just straight away, he said, like, ace, I think we're off. We're off a seat. And we got up, both moved over, one to our left, and we sat in the middle. Like we literally almost got a yardstick out to make sure we were sitting in the very middle, height wise and width wise. And then we watched Nick Cage and his Hair go to town. And it's all the same movie with Cage. It's. Someone's been sent back from hell, somebody's got a hot rod, it's. There's a car chase, satanic something. Somebody gets shot, but it's all right. It's sort of that sort of all these movies where you can shoot a guy and you won't kill him because he's sort of a demon from hell, but you will fuck him up a little bit. Like that same thing we talked about, like when, like I'm number four or something where the guy has some sort of crazy power and he's like, I'm gonna stop this commuter train by putting my hand out. But I need to lean. I gotta lean into it. It's 2 million tons of unsprung weight going 60 miles an hour at you. And it would plow through the Pentagon. If the track slid that way. I'll stop it with my hand, but not with my feet together. That would never do. I'll get a little bit and you know what? I'll grunt. You know what I mean? Like, would you look, you're not trying. You're not sitting there at the ballies trying to crank out your last rep with 170 pounds, you know? Come on, push it. You don't have a spire. If you can stop the locomotive with 28 cars on it, you don't strain. You either can or you can or you can't.

[Alison Rosen]

And you should be able to do it during a manicure.

[Larry Miller]

Yes, you should just be. You should flick of the hand, but not a lean. Have to kind of lean into it, stop you train. Even Superman would have that. I'm gonna lift Venezuela up off the ground. I'll bend at the knee when you're lifting a continent again. Unless it was just one of these things where it's like, look, you can lift £2 billion, but that's your max. And everything is right at. Sort of just right at that max of 2 billion. I don't know how it works, but.

[Donnie]

Anyway, it's like that now that I'm thinking about. Even Luke and Yoda had to struggle to lift the X Wing fighter out of the Dagobah system.

[Larry Miller]

There's something.

[Donnie]

I know you're thinking the same thing.

[Larry Miller]

I was coming out of my mouth. The point is, it's a lot of like. Anyway, America Likes grunting. Obviously, Nick Cage. Nick Cage has officially lost his mind. Like, I don't know. And, you know, I was thinking. What I was thinking to myself is, you know, he started out, you know, doing these really cool movies and working with the Coen brothers and doing Raising Arizona and stuff like that, and picking really interesting roles. And, you know, it was like, oh, Francis Ford Coppola is my uncle, but I'm not going to use his name. I'm going to do it on my own merits and stuff. If someone had tapped him on the shoulder after doing Raising Arizona and then shown him drive Angry, I don't think he would have known what to make of it.

[Donnie]

We have an extended discussion of this coming up on this week's Film Vault, because we have his co star, Michael Biehn, on the Film Vault coming up this Friday from the Rock and from a couple other movies. And the theory is that maybe he got to a certain point after leaving Las Vegas and said, thought internally, I've accomplished all I can accomplish in acting. I'm going to start cashing paychecks. He got a little bored because he was such an accomplished actor to that point. And still sprinkles in an interesting movie now and then. You'll kick ass or battle Lieutenant Port a Call, you know what I'm saying? New Orleans, you'll sprinkle in an adaptation, a good movie here.

[Larry Miller]

And there's.

[Alison Rosen]

He must owe so much in taxes.

[Larry Miller]

I can always think of that. But also, I think he's just a wildly nutty guy because that.

[Donnie]

Also best friend, Jim Carrey.

[Larry Miller]

I've had a convert. I've had a conversation with him, at least over the radio, and it's one of these, you know, these things where you have these. It's sort of like the conversation I had with Leno, though. Leno's a nice guy. When first time I did the Tonight Show, I said, you know, Jay, when I was about 19, I remodeled the house across from your house up off of, you know, Mulholland or Woodrow Wilson up there. You were renting the house. And I used to come over after I was done working on the place, and I used to come by there. That's a crazy picture. I used to come by there, and I would help you wrench on your bikes after work. And I talked to you about comedy. He told me, go down to the deli smoker and shoot oaks. And you didn't even think I knew who you were back then. And now look at us. You're doing the Tonight show and I'm on the Tonight Show. And he went, yeah, okay. Does he not believe me? Like, I had a talk. I have a Lamborghini Miura and I know Nick Cage had a Lamborghini Miura. He had an SV and it was like the Shah of Persia's whatever or something. And I said, nick, Lamborghini Miura, that's quite a car. I have one myself and I hear you used to have one. He's like, all right, you know. And I was like, yeah, that's quite a handful, huh? And he's like, yeah, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

You got out Corolla.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. It was just like, huh, Right? I don't know. Be like if you ran into someone, said, we dated the same girl in high school. And then she went, okay, what do.

[Alison Rosen]

You have to do to get a rise out of this guy?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, like I heard you the first time. Like, all right, what's. None of that. Yeah, oh, me too.

[Donnie]

It was yes and. But the sarcastic version. Yes and yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, speaking of Leno, he has one of the best what do you have to do to impress this guy? Stories I've ever heard. He wouldn't. He was doing a show, the John Davidson show was. That was when they went to Monaco. He's in Paris. They're like at a five star hotel.

[Larry Miller]

John Davidson. Yeah, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

This is years ago. And Leno was like the co. Host. And he's walking in Paris on the big boulevard, the Champs Elysees there, which is so wide, it's the cut. The Arc de Triomphe at one end. It's just this gigantic street across the street. You're in Paris across the street. He sees Ed Bluestone walking along. The comedian at the time, Ed Bluestone, he sees. But across the street, it's like 120ft, but he sees him and he's walking along kind of head down, hands in the pocket. He yells, ed, Ed, it's Jay Blueson. Looks up, glances across the street and just does one of these. Just looks back and goes, yeah, huh? And keeps going. What do you have to do to get this guy to say, how do you like that?

[Larry Miller]

Well, it's true, but there's always.

[Alison Rosen]

That's it.

[Larry Miller]

Look at that. There's. There's always an uncomfortable situation when you run into somebody in a place that you're not supposed to run into them, where there's a moment where you get that, what the hell are you doing here? I didn't know you were gonna. You. You didn't know that I know that Guy. And then at some point, after about a minute and a half of that, there's a pause, and then you do the. Well, I'm supposed to pick my wife up. So it's like. And do we exchange numbers? Ask what hotel you're at? I should ask where you're staying. Shouldn't we somehow make some plan about getting drinks tonight? Even though I don't really want to go out and get drinks. It remind me once I was walking through the hills, and there was Ed Bluestone, and there's a group of deer. Hold on. And like a whole family with the horns and the whole thing, and the baby and the mama, and they're all on a lawn, on someone's house on a lawn. They're all just eating the grass. And I was sort of going for a jog or something, and I stopped and some other guy was coming by on a bicycle, and he stopped and some woman's go walking her dog or something. She never went stopped. And they're sat there and it was like, shh, shh. Look at him. Don't, don't. Don't make any noise. You know, you'll scare them off. Wow. You don't usually get this close. And that sort of thing where it's like, you know, we're gonna enjoy this for about three seconds. And then they're gonna scamper way up and up, up into the woods. And sort of three minutes went by. You know, it's like, don't, don't. You're gonna. And then about five minutes went by, and it's like, well, I should be getting on the deer. Like your wildlife. You're supposed. You scamper and then we move on. But they wouldn't go anywhere. And eventually you get tired of staring at a deer's ass, and you're just like, well, I'm walking away. I'm leaving. And you never do. But we had to he go anywhere.

[Alison Rosen]

I've got theater tickets. Let's go have another. One more bite and then please, scamper.

[Larry Miller]

All right. We're gonna do some news in a second. I should tell people if they want to come see us live, they can see us tonight at the Lovett's Comedy Club. And that's tomorrow night, if you're watching right now. And tonight, if you're listening, Bobcat Goldthwaite's gonna be there Wednesday night. Thank you. Very funny guy, good guy, Big history with him and does a lot of cool directing. Direct some cool Robin Williams movies and stuff like that. And Bobcat, we're going to bring some of the man show bits that he directed, some of the fun ones, and we'll go over it with Bob, we'll talk it through. So that's tomorrow night, or I should say Wednesday night at the Universal City Walk at the Lovett's Club up there. And then Wheel Turn coming up into May, Chicago park west. Great theater over there. Hilarities in Cleveland and Seatt Moore Theater. Tickets are almost sold out for that. That's coming up this Sunday, so check that out. And then the University Bookstore in Seattle. I'm going to be there signing tickets. I should say signing books this Sunday. But if you buy a book, you get a ticket, and that's a raffle ticket. And maybe, just maybe, we'll go out and I'll buy you a microbrew. All right, so should we do a little news?

[Gina Grad]

Alison Rosen live from the International News center next to Donny's Mini Bikes. This is the news with Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

So sad news. First of all, former Alice in Chains bassist Mike Starr died. His body was found in a house in Salt Lake City.

[Larry Miller]

I feel like shit because I was saying we're having a laugh about Nick Cage and I was pitching in my thing about 1:30 this afternoon. Who's got a worse batting average, Nick Cage or Dr. Drew? In terms of last 10 Nick Cage films, last 10 people to walk out of Dr. Drew's rehab center.

[Donnie]

Feels like they may be in poor taste right now.

[Larry Miller]

It is now. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

And yet so is Stu.

[Larry Miller]

It wasn't when I did not know about it five and a half hours ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, his body was found at 142. His body was found at 142. So you were 12 minutes before anyone should have known, really.

[Larry Miller]

Found. I shit you. I shit you not. The movie was at 2:15 at the arc light. I met Bill at 2:00 out in front of the Arc Light. Although I hid until he bought my ticket, of course. You see the trash can get up and you hear the twinkle toes sound when Fred Flintstone's bowling, you know, then sit back down. But never, you know, I always have to sit back down again. No, it's not that one. It's this.

[Donnie]

As close as I had.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I know. He literally. So he was found at 142?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

So after he was found at 142, somewhere within 20 minutes of him being found. Although me not knowing it, I sort of made a joke. Not about him, just about in general.

[Adam Carolla]

About people like him.

[Larry Miller]

He seemed like a Nice guy. I watched the episodes where he was in. I felt bad for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's on the third season of Celebrity Rehab. He was arrested. They. They haven't said yet. Actually, the story. More about the story is still coming out.

[Larry Miller]

And he's. And then Lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Lane Staley.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Lane Staley's mom was. Was on that episode talking to him, and he was really like. It really tugged at your.

[Donnie]

It was Jerry Cantrell, I thought. Who died? Staley was on our show.

[Larry Miller]

I wish it was the other way around. Whichever.

[Gina Grad]

Cantrell's alive, Staley's dead.

[Larry Miller]

Cantrell's the. What a douche.

[Donnie]

It was the other way around.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a crush on him.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, my God. It was one of these. Yeah. Lane's dead, right? Yeah, it was one of these things. Where were you there, Ball? Brian, when he came in. Yeah, it was one of these things.

[Donnie]

Where he was having problems.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, I understand that. I have problems myself. I don't take it out on host and what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to hear.

[Larry Miller]

He came. I have this thing where it's a weird, magical thing that I have where if I really want someone to go away, even if it's an attractive woman, she will somehow come back, and if I want them to stay, they will flee. But Jerry came on the show and he said, like, about 10 minutes before, I never wanted guests on Loveline. I didn't like them. They got in the way of my own voice. You know what I mean? I take three calls an hour and I talk everyone's ear off. And I didn't. When did you start the band? And, oh, you play the bass left handed. I didn't give a shit about anyone. I just wanted to talk about me. So a guest was a pain in the ass. And it was more work for me because Drew never interviewed anyone and he didn't have to bone up. And all these rock stars were assholes, and they never, you know, they weren't fun. Anyway, once in a while you get Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray, but the rest of them are just assholes from Blur and shit like that. And Gallagher brothers and who wants to talk to them? Sorry. So he comes in, Cantrell comes in, and it was about 10 minutes before the show starts. And Lane must have died four months earlier. Three months earlier.

[Donnie]

Recently.

[Larry Miller]

Recently. It wasn't a year earlier. It wasn't the day before, but a few months. And he said, hey, listen, man, no questions about Lane. And I said. I said, well, Jerry, you know, the problem with that is I can't guarantee you that because people call into the show and they might ask a question. And he said, hey man, no questions. And as a matter of fact, if you can't promise me that, then I'll just. I'm walking right now. I'll walk right now. And I said, first I thought, oh, goody, goody. Because I secretly hope everyone leaves, Larry. I secretly hope. I know, it's like when I was. When I worked construction and I got paid by the day. I secretly hoped I would get to the job site and there would have been a fire the night before and I could just turn around and go home for no money. It was like school that way. I just secretly hope. I somehow secretly hope. I just opened the door in Armageddon. It's like there's nothing. Yeah. So I wanted him to leave, you know, so he said, you got a promise. And I said, here's how the show works. The phone screener may say, I got a herpes problem. But then when we punch up the guy, he may say, I have a herpes problem. But then he may ask a question about Lane or he may not have a herpes problem and just ask a question about Lane. I can't. They do that all the time. It says one thing on the screen and they ask something else. So if you'd like a personal guarantee from me, I cannot provide that. I can tell you that we'll be respectful and that we'll not bring it up if you'd like us not to bring it up. But I can't guarantee that the callers aren't gonna bring it up, cuz I can't control them. And he said, well then I'm out of here. And I said, I thought, awesome, awesome. And then I gave him the. And this is my, this is my downfall because people only do the opposite of what I want. I said, you know what? I completely understand. And I'm not just paying you lip service. I understand and I respect it. And there'll be no hard feelings. And I'm not gonna get on the air and badmouth you or anything like that. So, you know, you're perfectly free just to get back in the car. And again, no hard feelings. I totally respect it. Will not say bad word about you. And we do the show without a guest all the time. So, you know, feathers ruffled here. And he went, okay, I'll stay.

[Adam Carolla]

You charmed him.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. I thought, oh, fuck. And then I thought, I know. Cause it's like me, it's like when I want something to Happen bad enough. Fuck it.

[Alison Rosen]

You should have said, let me finish.

[Larry Miller]

Let me finish.

[Alison Rosen]

What I was getting at was, how dare you?

[Larry Miller]

I know, I know, but all I remember. She was a colossal dick. That's all I remember.

[Donnie]

My recollection is that he actually left the studio entirely at one point and sat out for, like, a segment because he was so, so conflicted. He wanted to leave so bad. Then he came back. He's like, all right, man, I'm staying.

[Larry Miller]

And you're like, yeah, it was. It was. It was fairly protracted. And he was kind of a douche. And, you know, maybe he had the right to be because he lost a friend and a band member, but I just mean it was one of these. Don't pour your douche on me, douchebag.

[Adam Carolla]

That is what people do with douche. Or they could actually.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah. Douche, shower. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Or just a douche. A douche.

[Larry Miller]

Douche. So how'd he die? Drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

They haven't said because more, you know, it's so new, but he was arrested last month for felony possession of a controlled substance. Salt Lake City cops say he had six Xanax pills and six Opana, which are painkillers. When he was busted, he was 44 years old. His dad says it's a terrible shock and tragedy. And your friend Dr. Drew tweeted, devastating to hear of Mike Starr succumbing to his illness. So very sad. Our prayers are with his family. Presumably it was, you know, overdose.

[Larry Miller]

I say to my wife all the time, better your kid lose an arm in a farming accident than get dealt this hand. You lose your arm, it fucks you up for a year, and next thing you know, you're out, you know, rock climbing or something. This is. This is like. This is. You blink your eyes and 30 years go by, you don't even remember it, and then eventually you die.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, that's what Dr. No's mom said to him when he got the hook because he said, listen, don't worry. It's better this than a drug thing. And sure enough, one day, he had his own island. So you're right, right?

[Larry Miller]

And everyone. Uniforms.

[Alison Rosen]

And the one piece thing with the V on it.

[Larry Miller]

Sure, yeah. We're the one piece with the V on it. And again, no denim in the future or on any evil islands.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Larry Miller]

We must see a guy. Is there no such thing as a Saturday where Dr. No spots you and you're like, hey, I'm taking my kid out fishing? You lose those Wranglers and you Put on those silver shiny pants.

[Alison Rosen]

Do they ever have dress down date.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Friday, Casual Friday?

[Larry Miller]

No, they have one uniform that's a great picture, by the way. And they eat. You know, here's the whole thing. There's two things I know ain't going out of style. Denim and steaks. But Those are the two things. The years. 2015. Here, give me another pill that says Thanksgiving on it. And you're in your weird poly outfit, you know, like.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but it always slayed me in those movies. They always invite them to join. Join our land, Mr. Flint. You will be a great addition here. And then they always. To impress them, they show in the future. And they have everyone walking by the pool. Naturally, they have beautiful women in bikinis at the pool. But there's always one guy on the other side of the pool juggling Indian clubs. And that somehow indicates in the future everyone will juggle or something. That visual shorthand for, you know what, join our group, Mr. Flint.

[Larry Miller]

They have. There's. There's three. There's. The other thing they don't have is hinges. All doors, either pocket doors or aperture doors. And if you think about the hinge. The hinge started off being made of leather and then it turned to bronze at some point. But, I mean, the hinge is a couple thousand years old, but it's always that. It's the year 2017. Really think hinges. Denim's been around for a couple hundred years. Hinges have been around for 2,000 years. You think the next seven years, gone.

[Alison Rosen]

And by the way, you know, in the homes of the future, if they have those doors, first thing to go, you're gonna have a guy in there every three and a half weeks.

[Larry Miller]

Sorry, it's out of it. Jasper. Yeah. It'll shut halfway and stop.

[Alison Rosen]

You walk up to it and go, oh, come on.

[Larry Miller]

Come. No, I know the pocket door is the promise of the pocket door. So much promise. Like a great. Like a. Like Jim Morrison. Like a great young student and then just flamed out.

[Donnie]

You want to see pocket door's later work and you want to see what goes on to do pocket door.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah. The other great thing that they do is they do two things. They do the thing with Matt Helm or. Or, you know, Bond or whoever. They do the, you know, Mr. Bond, you and me, we're not so different. We would have made quite a team. You know, they spit on them or something at that. I could never be like, you know, there's that one by the way, I would be if I was handcuffed and hanging over an alligator tank. I would be an ass kiss. Not so different. We're separated at birth.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. They always do the honorable thing. No, I can't join you. All right, then you're dead.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Alison Rosen]

Plus, there's one important difference. I don't eat the eyes of the sheep out of the head table.

[Larry Miller]

And they always do the good. I always talk about the backward hand drag on the beautiful guy's. Creepy. When the backhand. Such a shame. Such a shame that someone's so beautiful. Yeah, and there's a certain point where she spits at him too. And then he slaps and she keeps her head the direction he slapped him.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, but the only. The spit is only to cover putting the cassette in the back of the bikini shorts.

[Larry Miller]

Right. And to show how noble these guys are, they'll be. The henchmen will be holding the submachine guns on Bond or whoever it is. And at some point on Mr. Jello Hat, they'll backhand. They'll backhand the girl and Bond will lunge for the guy back. If you have six or seven guns trained on me, you do whatever you want to my old lady. I ain't blinking. I'll raise my voice. I will hand you whatever you need to do the job.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, but you haven't read the whole script. He has.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's. That's what it is. All right. Sorry. Where were we?

[Adam Carolla]

So do you remember when we were talking about pregnancy memoirs and recovery books and you were saying that the time to write a memoir about your pregnancy or about your battle with drugs would be now? Before, in my case, Before I'm pregnant.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I have the time now.

[Larry Miller]

I want my kids to write a tell all about being molested before they're molested. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. So I have taken your advice to heart and I'm working on a memoir about my pregnancy.

[Larry Miller]

Before you're pregnant? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called what I'd Expect if I Were Expecting. And I have an excerpt from chapter one, which I'd like to share with you guys. Chapter one. Could I be pregnant? After months and months of not getting my period and being all fat, I began to wonder, could I be pregnant? It was the last thing I expected. Me pregnant. But the signs were all there. Unprotected sex some months before. Check morning sickness. Try morning, afternoon and evening sickness. Weird cravings. I'd eaten a pencil and two dry erase boards only moments before my doctor pointing out the fetal heart Rate on the fetal heart rate monitor. I made a mental note to pick up a pregnancy test on my way home from the bar.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. I love that. That's a great idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Future chapters include what's up with my areolas? I hope they serve ice chips in hell. And what do you mean I can't give birth underwater surrounded by dolphins.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's good. I love the Pre Pregnancy Pregnancy book.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a hit.

[Larry Miller]

I think it's a hit. I think it's a great idea. Please run with it. It's a hit. Everyone, take every idea I've ever had and just run with it, please.

[Alison Rosen]

Those five words, up with my errand.

[Larry Miller]

Yes. That's great stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. Well, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Who the fuck are you?

[Gina Grad]

There's more news with Allison Rosen coming up.

[Larry Miller]

That's good writing, baby. Keep those coming.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's it.

[Donnie]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I will. I will. I've got chapter two and chapter three in the pipeline.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it's a. It's a funny idea, and I. I really do. I mean, you know. You're kidding or not. I think it could turn into something. Because with all the mommy books and all the pregnancy books and all that kind of stuff, just something funny about someone writing a pregnancy book who's not pregnant. All right, should we do a little blah, blah, blah? How about you leave the joking to Adam? Well, I. I bequeath you that joke. All right, now we have an intro for this.

[Gina Grad]

The following is a presentation of Jeremiah Weed. It's time for Blah, blah, blah, the game where we met the celebrity with their online rant.

[Larry Miller]

Let's play. All right. I'm gonna keep score here, Brian. B, R, I, A, N. Where'd that come from? Wrong fucking why, homo? Wow. Who knew there'd be a guy spelled his name Brian with a Y and was bald at the same time? You know what I mean?

[Donnie]

Well, I'll be dead soon.

[Larry Miller]

All right. Sorry, buddy.

[Alison Rosen]

How does he spell bald?

[Larry Miller]

With an H, Larry. And of course, I don't know how to spell moi. M, O, W, E. Wow. All right. Anyway, go ahead. Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Do I get to play?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Allison, you're up.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Larry Miller]

Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously. Facts and data rather than opinion are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem. Is it Roseanne Barr, Gene Simmons, or Bill Gates?

[Larry Miller]

I just thought of it as a good NBC cop show. Johnny Fax with a Q, by the way, hangs out with Ernie Datakowski. Datakowski. I think they call him Data, but he's Datakowski, you know, and it's that thing where it's like the probability of them returning fire when we enter this warehouse. Just get your Italian ass in there. Come on. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, he was on a show that didn't do that well called the B team.

[Larry Miller]

Yes. All right. Is this Roseanne who you're never really going to hear from again? Because I don't think she's that funny. And Sarah, Bill. And then super, mega, uber blowhard Gene Simmons. Boy. What do you guys think?

[Donnie]

Brian feels like whoever this is going out of their way to throw in some big, big words. I don't feel like I was thinking. It didn't sound like Bill Gates. I'm going to say Gene Simmons.

[Larry Miller]

All right, say Gene Simmons. Allison, what do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I am going with Roseanne?

[Larry Miller]

Mm. Larry, what do you think?

[Alison Rosen]

First of all, this is easy. The giveaway was the exclamation point at the very end there, which always indicates someone reaching way too hard. It's never necessary. And I'm gonna go with Gene Simmons.

[Larry Miller]

I've got it down to Gene or Rosie myself, who I'm gonna go see. I'm gonna go with. I'm gonna go with Roseanne.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you're against the bald people.

[Larry Miller]

You got Gene. You got Gene. All right, here we go.

[Gina Grad]

Score one for the hair. The block belongs to Roseanne Barr.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, there you go. All right.

[Gina Grad]

America ain't broke. The only thing that's broke is the moral compass of the rulers. And we aim to fix that compass and steer the ship ourselves from now on. Never forget, as long as that. As long as that constitution of ours still stands, it's one person, one vote. And it's the thing the rich hate the most about America. Because even though they seem to hold all the money and all the cards, they begrudgingly know this one unshakable basic fact. There are more of us than there.

[Larry Miller]

Are of them stupid people.

[Gina Grad]

Is it Michael Moore, Harry Shearer, or Neil Young?

[Larry Miller]

Wow. All right, I'll go first. It's too Moore esque. I burn myself every time with this shit. But Harry, funny, super Harry, Cher. It's got to be a weird. It's such a calorie burner being one of these guys. I went to the House of Blues of a couple years ago and I just went there to see John Hyatt because he's great and I love me some John Hyatt. And Harry Scherer was there because Harry's a super smart guy and all smart people like John Hyatt. And I ran into him and I said hi to him and within three seconds he was digging into George W. And I just thought, wow, man, it's got to be rough just as a full time gig. Like he's so stupid and he's evil and he caused this whole thing. And we didn't have. There was no wme. Like just enjoy a little slow, turn in with John Hyatt, smoke a doobie, and then you can start tomorrow morning with the George Bush stuff. I'm not a fan of George Bush, but I don't walk. I'm not pissed off about it all the time. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's like there was an edit where you missed seven minutes of a conversation.

[Larry Miller]

Right, right. So more it's kind of thing he would say. Harry would do a better job of saying it. I'm gonna go Neil Young on this one. And I can't stand this fucking thing where it's like all rich people are evil and wish all poor people were dead.

[Donnie]

I'll take it one farther. I can't believe this came from one of those three. Because rich and filthy rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I was expecting Glenn Beck or something.

[Larry Miller]

No, but it doesn't. See, it doesn't matter how much money they have because they don't play golf and they drive a $34,000 Prius and they recycle. So it's like they can point their fingers all they want at the fat cats that are playing golf and whatever. They're all fucking rich guys. They're all. By the way, last I checked, they all had a dick and ball, so that made them a dude. Last I checked, they were all 45 to 50 plus in the age. Last I checked, they were all white and they were all fucking rich. But you get to just sort of walk around all day long going, those rich white guys who make. They think they don't have to pay taxes. They're evil. Like, yes, that's, that's you. And you've all. Especially if you're Neil Young. But if you're out, you guys have been rich for a while now.

[Donnie]

Yeah, that's stunning to me that I can't believe Harry Shearer or Neil Young would Say that because they're filthy rich. Like they're very rich. Michael Moore, maybe he doesn't make a ton of money because his movies are documentaries. I'm thinking I'm gonna say Michael Moore because he's the only one, he's the least rich. The other ones are multi, multi millionaires.

[Larry Miller]

All right, so you say Michael Moore and I'm gonna say Neil Young. Just because. I don't know. I don't know.

[Donnie]

Beyond blowhardy. Because they're all super rich. Like one of us. One of us. Like you're not like us.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Donnie]

All right, sorry.

[Larry Miller]

All right, go ahead, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

I am very torn. I'm torn between Michael Moore and Neil Young. I feel like Michael Moore doesn't. That doesn't sound like his writing style. But I'm not that familiar with his writing style. But there's no reference to trains, which would be a Neil Young giveaway. I'm still going. I'm still going with Neil Young, though.

[Larry Miller]

Neil Young. What do you think, Larry?

[Alison Rosen]

First of all, right now all three of them are on a private jet drinking 600-year-old brandy. I know, but that aside, it doesn't sound at all like Neil Young mentioning the Constitution. Harry is way funnier than this. And once again, and I'm gonna stick with this, the ain't and the exclamation points give it away. It's gotta be Michael.

[Larry Miller]

Michael Moore. All right, answer is Michael Moore, bald is back. Yeah.

[Donnie]

He might not be rich, though, because his movies are a little documentaries. They don't make a ton of money.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, they do.

[Donnie]

I'm just saying.

[Larry Miller]

No, no, go ahead. Go ahead and make $10 million a year. Bowling for Columbine. Or actually, what was the one before that?

[Donnie]

Fahrenheit 911.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I mean, I think maybe like $38 million or something. And it costs probably less than 5. There's nobody to give the money to. He's got plenty of money. They're just assholes. And it's nice he can walk around, he can be rich as fuck and dress like a schlub there. Budget, 4 million gross revenue, $58 million. There you go. And which one was that?

[Donnie]

That's Michael Moore.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that was one of his movies, right?

[Donnie]

Columbine Building for Columbine.

[Larry Miller]

Right. That's one. He says five more of those floating around. He's doing all right.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, but most of the money goes to Jeff Gibbs for the music. Did you see that name there in red?

[Larry Miller]

Yes. All right. Jeff said, I want my name in red. Alright. It's all locked up. Is it all locked up?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

All right, here we go.

[Gina Grad]

More than a year ago, I was in Ukraine shooting a pilot for my yet untitled television show for the A and E Network. We were actually exploring the world of mail order brides. The ratio of women to men in The Ukraine is 3 to 1. The legal age of consent is.

[Larry Miller]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

The only sexual content I made that week in the Ukraine was with our cameraman, Tim. That's not true. His name is Martin. It was a moving trip. Is it Bob Saget, Harry Shearer, or celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain?

[Larry Miller]

What the fuck with the Harry Shearer thing? What? I can't believe they tossed another Harry Shear log onto the fire. Why would you double down on him if it wasn't him?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know who puts this together?

[Larry Miller]

Elves, Asshole. Elves. Yeah, well, Bob Saget likes to get a little dirty. I don't think this is dirty enough for Saget, Celebrity chef. I don't know how this fucking works, Brian. What do you got?

[Donnie]

I know who it is.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you do? Yeah. Okay. You know.

[Donnie]

No, I don't know.

[Larry Miller]

Okay. Teresa, I mean, sorry, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that a genuine mistake? It was.

[Larry Miller]

It was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's weird. Yeah, great.

[Larry Miller]

How about you leave the joking to Adam? I played this game with her a lot, and she used to win every time she dominated.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then I think we'll see that. I'm not her. I am. No, I know. I take it as one. I'm choosing between Bob Saget and Anthony Bourdain. And basically, I'm trying to figure out who would have an A and E show. And I know that Bob Saget had some show where he traveled around and. Goodness, I am going Saget.

[Larry Miller]

All right. I'm gonna go Saget, too, Larry.

[Alison Rosen]

There are a lot of good jokes. There are three or four very good jokes in that thing. And no one with a leather jacket and that I'm so cool picture could ever write a good joke.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's true. They're both wearing light blue shirts and.

[Alison Rosen]

Dark leather jackets with that look of, wow. I am really the thing.

[Larry Miller]

Right?

[Alison Rosen]

And so he's never. He's never going to say a funny thing in his life. Harry, again, is hysterical and great, but that doesn't sound like his style. And Bob is always making something like, oh, it's. I was with a. I kissed a guy. So it's got to be Bob.

[Larry Miller]

It's got to be Bob Saget. Saget. We all go with Saget.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Bob Saget.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. All Right. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all have another.

[Larry Miller]

We're all knotted up going into the championship rounds. Here we go. Larry, beaming, looking for another chance at victory.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, bald is back.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

It shocks, disappoints and angers me that in a world where man has traveled to the moon and where we can connect to people anywhere on earth, instantly online, men and women are still not equal. The statistics are sobering. Across the globe, gender based violence causes more death and disabilities among women of childbearing age than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents, and war combined. Is it Ashley Judd, Annie Lennox, or Robin Quivers?

[Larry Miller]

Wow. This is good. Not. And I should point this out to Tavis Smiley, if he's listening. Not in this country, dumbfuck. This is in other countries. We don't have that problem in this country.

[Adam Carolla]

He does listen, doesn't he?

[Larry Miller]

I sure the fuck hope he does. And actually, women made more than men in this country last year. And there's more construction, dried up stuff like that dude jobs, and there's more female managers as well. Hear that, Tavis? All right, Interesting boy. I'm going to go, Ashley. Although Annie Lennox blow hard. And if I hear that fucking Sweet Dream song ever again, I'll kill myself because it's a piece of shit. Don't they have another. Don't the rhythmics have a. They have another really shitty song, too.

[Donnie]

They have a lot of really shitty.

[Larry Miller]

Every song of theirs is. No, they have. They have two, like a song and a half. That's good. And then every other. Yeah, they have a nice love song.

[Donnie]

Here Comes the Rain Again.

[Larry Miller]

Is that. No, that song. That song blows fucking hippo ass. Yes.

[Donnie]

And the Christmas song is terrible, too. It haunts me every year.

[Larry Miller]

Yes. She's caused more harm than good. All right, I'm gonna go, Ashley.

[Donnie]

There's no way that that is true, by the way, that gender related deaths are greater than car accidents and traffic and war.

[Larry Miller]

That's insane.

[Donnie]

There's no way that's true. So that's made up. Number two, the thing about. In a world where we're gonna put a man on the moon, that's a very cliched thing. So this is made up and cliched and unfunny. Robin quivers.

[Larry Miller]

Mm. Going rabbit. All right.

[Alison Rosen]

Interesting calculus.

[Larry Miller]

Mm. All right.

[Donnie]

I'm always wrong.

[Larry Miller]

What do you got, Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

Now, see, thinking with my ball sack, initially I thought this is. This is a hot woman. And that kind of hot woman where guys actually get around her and then they're like, oh, fuck, I have to listen to Her.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ashley Judd.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I'm experiencing that right now. What do you got? You got. Oh, yeah.

[Donnie]

She called you hot.

[Larry Miller]

Go ahead, Larry.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, that was a good calculation, too. I think that was very sweet, but I just have to say a heck of a picture.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, come on.

[Larry Miller]

Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

That'S the best shot of Annie. But no, really, that Ashley Judge shot.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, please.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, please.

[Alison Rosen]

That's another case of Yikes.

[Larry Miller]

I'm.

[Alison Rosen]

I think my calculation is this number one saying malaria is smart because that's a giant cause of death in the world. Never mind the facts of anything, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

The way you.

[Alison Rosen]

The way you calculated it. But the choice of traffic accidents in there seems like something so random and idiotic almost. It's almost like saying cancer, malaria, vitamins, you know, it's almost so preposterous. So in a way, I'm going to say it's someone who is smart enough to say malaria, but knuckleheaded enough to say traffic accidents. And maybe it's just play the band.

[Larry Miller]

Music, would you, please? Sorry. Keep. Keep pontificating. You know, when the Oscars, when they play the guy off. Thank you. Keep pontificating. Go ahead, Larry.

[Alison Rosen]

Then when I got out of school, I opened my own business. The importance, though, of my family. Let me just say to Jennifer and the twins. Wait, wait, wait. That's not my family. No. I need more time. I have a different family. My family. I have to name my family.

[Larry Miller]

All right, who are you going for, Larry?

[Alison Rosen]

No question about it. Ashley Judd.

[Larry Miller]

Ashley Judd. Well, I'd say Brian could win this thing if it turns out to be Robin Quivers. Here we go.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Annie Lennox.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all wrong for different reasons.

[Larry Miller]

God, she a sack of shit. Her music is so fucking bad. She's not a bad artist. It's just her music sucks.

[Alison Rosen]

Plus, she's never been in traffic.

[Larry Miller]

Yes, I know. All right, we're all 04. Let's. Let's try one more. Here we go.

[Gina Grad]

The talking cure, as it is known, has been my salvation. I would not be in the position I am in, both professionally and personally, if it were not for my years on the chair and. Or the couch. I was a warrior and an underachiever for many years. Without therapy, I would have continued to be unsure of my instincts and talents. Is it Joy Behar? Designer Donna Caron. Karen.

[Larry Miller]

Karen. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Or Sex and the Cities. Kristen Davis.

[Larry Miller]

Well, they said talent, so that eliminates joy. All right, now we all need to pick someone Different.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone writes down our answer.

[Larry Miller]

No, because that's not going to. Sure. We all pick someone different. We just go in order. You get Joy Behar.

[Adam Carolla]

That's who I was gonna pick.

[Larry Miller]

Well, in that case, you get down to Karen. No. Okay, you get Joy.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Larry Miller]

All right, Larry, you get down to Karen.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, first of all, I just want to say the woman from Sex and the City is so much prettier than that picture.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know. She looks like she just thanked the.

[Adam Carolla]

Family, Jennifer and the kids.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? No, I am. By the way, I'm going with Donna Karan on this because that music, right, it sounds like something. And then later on that same year, I realized that my only calling, my chance to make this. And please let me just say. Yes, I know it's time to go, but let me just say without. Without the help of the boy who served the sandwiches every single day, whose name was. What was his name?

[Larry Miller]

Jimmy, Jim.

[Adam Carolla]

What was his name?

[Larry Miller]

So, Larry, you got. You got Donna, Karen, who's Bernie? And I'm gonna go with Kristen, Davis and Brian, Chris and Davis. All right, here we go.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Joy Behar.

[Larry Miller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Score one for Teresa.

[Larry Miller]

Congratulations. Yeah, see, I told you Theresa was one. There you go.

[Gina Grad]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round of blah, blah, blah. Brought to you by Jeremiah Weed.

[Larry Miller]

The great Larry Miller can be found right here on this network as well as. Well here every. We usually do Larry every Monday, but I guess we're moving it around a little bit. You can go to LarryMillerHumor.com if you want to find out dates where Larry's going to be around the country. Yes, yes. Anything I'm missing this week? Of course, with Larry Miller. Yes, that's right.

[Alison Rosen]

The 25th and 26th in Tampa. But that's. I think that's on the thing at side Splitters. But the important thing is here on ACE Broadcasting at this Week with Larry Miller, which I love doing.

[Larry Miller]

God bless you, Larry Miller doing the Lord's work. All right, Larry, want to say bye to the family.

[Alison Rosen]

Bye, family. And to the kids. No, please. I know, I know we're running out of time. But also, you have to understand when you're. When you're in Louisiana like that for seven months and snakes attack. Where's the. The nurse on the set, Jimmy. What was the name of the nurse?

[Larry Miller]

Break right back with Mr. Skin after this. Good to see you, Mr. Skinn.

[Patrick Warburton]

Hey, Adam. How you doing, man?

[Larry Miller]

I'm doing good. I hear you all over the place and see you all over the place. And, boy, I got questions. One. And we're gonna. We're gonna do a little Anatomy Awards. I think we're gonna do that. You know, I said to you once when I was interviewing you, I said, how do you get these movies? How do you get clearances? How do you get them to sign off? How do you get the studios to sign off? And you said, oh, it's free advertising for them. Was that your answer?

[Patrick Warburton]

No, actually, before I even launched the website and quit my job, raised the money, started this as a career, I had the same question that you're thinking. So I went to an attorney in Chicago and I said, show me how to do this website so I don't get shut down in three months, or what would be the point? So she said, listen, it's got to be a review site if you, you know, we talk about the nude scenes. But when you're at our website, we don't just show nude pictures of Angelina Jolie. We review the movie that she's in. But of course, we review it for the nudity. We could give a shit if it's a good movie or a bad movie.

[Larry Miller]

It's a fair usage thing. It's like in tv, you can't just sit down and run a movie, but you can show clips if you're making comments about it.

[Patrick Warburton]

But what also has happened over the years, now it's 12 years in August of doing this, is the studios send us screeners of DVDs.

[Larry Miller]

That's what I was referring to.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. And they, you know, so we'll get this stuff sent ahead of time. We review it, put it in the website, and we have over 75 PR firms and studios doing it right now. But, you know, we get 10 million unique visitors a month to our website. I get to go on radio shows all over the country to talk about these shitty movies a lot of times that no one you probably don't know. I mean, some of the stuff we'll be talking about in the Anatomy Awards, you probably never heard of these movies.

[Larry Miller]

I saw Drive Angry today with Bill Smith, Simmons and the Marine, so I bet smart people don't. And yeah, there's some movie that no one you would never be spoken of on the Howard Stern show, except for there's a nude scene in it with Leighton Meester and you're gonna go talk about it.

[Patrick Warburton]

We don't.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And I never sit there and say it's a bad nude Scene. I'm saying, go check this movie out because it has a nude scene.

[Larry Miller]

Have you, have you ever gotten anything from a particular celebrity? Has there ever been a Halle Berry representative or someone who just personally said, hey man, knock it, or here's a few hundred bucks, would you please? Or there's never. I'm surprised that at some point somebody didn't contact you and say, could you do me a favor? Or I'm gonna break your legs. Or here's a million bucks.

[Patrick Warburton]

I mean, well, if you think about it, you know, I'm not hiding in a tree and taking pictures of someone and then posting it at the website where, you know, there's a movie, Halle Berry, like Monster's Ball that everyone saw. It's all over the Internet. We just happen to have, you know, we just care about that great sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton and have it at the website and talk about it. And by the way, talk about how great she looks and that you should buy the movie and all that. So. No, I don't have that. You know, we've been doing this for 12 years and it's. It's not a problem.

[Larry Miller]

What is the next extension, logical extension of this? Because I feel like my kids, or most likely son, he's gonna like turn on every TV show he watches when he's hitting puberty. Every time there's a good looking chick on tv, he's gonna go, I wanna see her naked, possibly getting fucked by Ray J. And like someone's gonna. Every once in a while I'm gonna explain to him, son, I hope you're sitting down. But there's no footage of her getting nailed by a black dude in Antigua. And he's gonna go, what? All right, you know what? I'm in a good mood, Pa Pops. I'll settle for some full frontal nudity. And I'll go, it doesn't exist. And he's gonna go, what? This is bullshit. He's gonna like throw his plate down. Like, I just feel like there's something that exists of everybody and eventually there's just gonna be a website that's not even gonna be for movie stars. It's just gonna be, hey, I passed this hot chick named Tammy in the Gelsons today and I'm just gonna go find her naked.

[Donnie]

Well, that begs the question then for Mr. Skinn, who are the white whales out there? Who are the all time most desirable?

[Larry Miller]

You know what I'm saying, dude? Yeah, fat chick.

[Patrick Warburton]

You know, I always say that Raquel Welch is one that I always wished had done a nude scene as a guy growing up as a kid in the 70s, like.

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Patrick Warburton]

She was, geez, like you know, a goddess. She was never naked. I mean, you know another one, Marky Post. Remember that girl from Night Court? Yeah. She never did a nude scene.

[Larry Miller]

Always wish she the just having this conversation with my wife the other day. Why no Markie Post nude scene.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Why did she say that again?

[Larry Miller]

She's just stuck on Marky Post. No, Marky Post was a cute and yeah, from Night Court. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Look at that. Now. Shouldn't she have done a nude.

[Larry Miller]

She was also. I. Damn it. She. I think she played the bail bonds person in the fall guy or something. Yeah, she had another gig. See if she was in the fall guy.

[Patrick Warburton]

She had a couple things, you know, she did this made for TV movie called Visitors of the Night and unfortunately was made for TV because it was one of those where the aliens abduct you and take you on the spaceship and do some experimentation. The good news is she was nude. The bad news is she had her hands over her breast so you couldn't see anything. That's why I was always bummed me out. It was a made for TV movie.

[Larry Miller]

I bet if you gave her $500, she'd give you a Winger today if it means anything.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, do you ever think about when like that's great fall guy action from Markie Paul.

[Larry Miller]

Do you ever think about she was in a fall. How the fuck did I know she was in the fall guy? We're such losers by the way.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, think about.

[Larry Miller]

Thank you.

[Patrick Warburton]

Think about nowadays. Like when I was a kid, you know, all I had at home was abc, NBC and cbs. There was no Internet, you know, Playboys were, you know, but hard to find. Could you imagine when you were like 12 or 13 that to have access to this kind of stuff on the Internet, what you would have been like?

[Larry Miller]

Well, well, I've said it this way a million times and Mr. Skinn, I know we're simpatico on this one. We grew up, we're about the same age, grow up in the same. Watching the same three networks. And you'd sit there and you would watch Charlie's Angels and you'd see, you know, you'd hear like angels, we're going to Hawaii. And you'd be like, hot damn. And there was Cheryl Lydna Bikini and you'd think, oh my God. And so now the kids version of that is Kim Kardashian. Except for you can watch her getting nailed, right? And if there was A version of, hey, want to go see Cheryl Tiegs getting banged on a houseboat with Tommy Lee? Or do you want to see Cheryl Ladd getting nailed on a trip with Ray J? I would have been like, by the way, I probably would have been destroyed. I guess it would have. Would have burnt out my pleasure zones with like a soldering iron or something, but would have been insane. Like, I wouldn't have, like, if you said to me, I have a picture of her nipple, I would have gone insane. But like HD of her having sex. Dude.

[Patrick Warburton]

I mean, I think about in 1976, I'm a little kid and they had I, Claudius on, you know, pbs. And I. It was like a.

[Larry Miller]

It was like a, you know, nudity. It had nudity. It's like, icarly, he's like a Roman emperor. And they. And it was like one of these, you know, it was like Roman Day. And so there were some topless chicks and because it was like public television and it came out of the PBS or something to show.

[Patrick Warburton]

But think about this. There was no vcr. So for that eight seconds of nudity, you had to be so, like, focused because you couldn't tape it and jerk off to it and rewind it in.

[Larry Miller]

Front of the TV like Jack Lambert right before the play. Feet tapping, head on a swivel blow. Steam coming out of my mouth, even though it was dormant, shouting out instructions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, ready to drop. Yeah. No guys are good back there. By the way, my. I know, but don't tell my mother what money my. I, Claudius was like a seven part special, by the way. What you would have to go through to see a titty back then. It was like. It was, it was a. It was like three hours Each. Each, Each. It was like three hours, seven parts. Nothing of like, Lord Ulysses, I pledge by the dagger, like, anyway, all right, fat guy, come on, come on, come on. And I would go. My friend Tom Dent, like, lived up the hill and he had a big screen tv. He's like, I, Claudius is on. I guess we're just gonna have to sit here and wait for something. You summon for me, Lord? Yes. And it's like guys talking into skulls and stuff like you. Little glimpses of ecstasy mixed with some of the most boring shit a 13 year old has ever happened. With no fast forward. It's like, my liege, I say to thee and all of Rome. And you're like, oh, come on, please, let's see a titty. You're trying to kind of time it. Well, okay, there's A knife fight going on. So I guess I could take a piss. We'll wait till the nighttime comes along. At some point when a guy summons somebody, you know, maybe there'll be some titties here. And by the way, nothing great, just some English accurate or something.

[Patrick Warburton]

They showed the nude scene. It was nothing like in today's standards of what we're used to seeing.

[Larry Miller]

It was nothing.

[Patrick Warburton]

They didn't work out.

[Larry Miller]

It was like they didn't care. It was idea that they were gonna show a booby on TV and that's, that's. What was it? 1976, you say? Yep. Yeah, I remember now. Somehow they must have reran it like 78, 79 when I saw it. But my whole, my whole surprise party. My friend threw a surprise party for me. Same guy, Tom, threw a surprise party for me for my 18th birthday. And I thought there was one of those movies, used to have those great movies like Flesh Gordon and stuff like that. All this good, you know, and we never had cable or anything. And so the way they fooled me, my friends did is they're like, hey man, Flesh Gordon's playing at 10 o'clock at Cinemax and we're going to Tom's house and we're gonna watch it on his. His old man's got the big screen mitSubishi, like circa 1979. We're gonna watch Flesh Gordon. I was like, awesome. And yeah, come over at 8 o'clock, we'll have a few beers. I come over, I go, what the hell's going on? Open the back door. There's 200 of my best friends standing around a pool. And they're like, happy birthday. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, is Flush Gordon still? And they're like, no. But I'm like, so it's not on at all? No, it's just a surprise party. Oh, fuck. So we don't, I mean, thank everyone for coming, but seriously, we're not gonna win Flesh Gordon. Like, I was happy, but no Flesh Gordon, I was. It was that big a deal. A fucking huge surprise party.

[Patrick Warburton]

You know, young guys today don't appreciate how hard it was.

[Larry Miller]

They don't know. These kids, they don't know. Should talk about the Anatomy Awards.

[Donnie]

Follow up question from Mr. Skinn of Contemporary actresses. Are there any who haven't done a nudity?

[Patrick Warburton]

Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox, Jessica Simpson, if.

[Adam Carolla]

She has the Orbitz girl done any, they would like to know.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I'll take Scarlett Johansson.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, I agree. I'd love that. But yeah, there's plenty of Actresses that haven't been naked or, you know, with them, they haven't been filmed like by the paparazzi at the beach nude, even. So. So they're on the holy grail of modern day babes that need to do a new scene.

[Larry Miller]

So you will and you will. And I know you use technology where you dig deep. Like you'll see some shots with the new HD stuff.

[Patrick Warburton]

I mean, it's killing the guys in the content department because, like, you know, it's funny, we had African Queen with Humphrey Bogart comes out on Blu Ray. And our guys actually now have to go through stuff like that because there was a scene where Kate Hepburn's getting out. Maybe the guys could pull it up. Kate Hepburn's getting out of the. Onto a boat. And as she does so in hd, you know, you could kind of see down her blouse. Six times the resolution of dvd. And you could zero in on this with a picture. And you couldn't see that on video or in the theater, but you could zoom in and it's stuff like that. Even in. In Roadhouse with Kelly lynch is another great example of Blu Ray, when she was walking away from the camera in the original, when you saw it on DVD or video, you saw her butt and breast during the scene.

[Larry Miller]

Only saw it 28 times. So I don't. Not totally familiar with Roadhouse, but go ahead. Well, right.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well then now with Blu Ray, as you're. As she's walking away from the camera, my guys are like, watch this. Zoom, zoom, zoom. And you could see like back snatch. Back snatch.

[Larry Miller]

I like the way the Chicago. It's very. When I say it, it sounds crude, but in a Chicago cop, it's a backish snatch.

[Donnie]

Sounds more sleepy.

[Larry Miller]

Back burger, Ghost snatches. All right, so you see Back snatch.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. Tell the guys to scroll down to the pictures. They're trying to do video clips. You see where it says Kelly lynch, pick 10 picks, three clips, go to the 10 pics.

[Larry Miller]

Mm.

[Patrick Warburton]

And there you go, you'll get some back burger walking away from the camera, the one second row to the far right, Doing.

[Larry Miller]

Doing super important work. Hey, you get lynch back snatch. What can I tell you? Yeah, all right, all right. It's a good bit. Look, it's a nice business. Yeah, some nice back sack on Swayze there for the ladies if you're interested. Hey, guys, ever you got some dudes worked in into Mr. Skin?

[Patrick Warburton]

No, not. No, it's.

[Larry Miller]

What about the gay clientele?

[Patrick Warburton]

You know, there's been a lot of pressure, Adam, from women and guys to say, you know, you should do some sort of a miss Skin. The problem is it really, truly is. It's a ton of work just to get everything in the history of television and movies. And it's a possibility. I've never said this before, but there is a possibility that down the road we might do it.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. From your mouth to God. That's yours, Mr.

[Patrick Warburton]

Skin Work Won't be as fun when I'm looking at nude Ed Asner, you know.

[Larry Miller]

All right, should we look at some of the categories? I think we have some of the categories from the anatomy awards.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. And this is our 12th annual. And I can't believe I've been doing this for 12 years. But what's so great now, Adam, is, you know, what's changed the game as far as celebrity nudity goes are all these, you know, shows on hbo, Showtime and stars where big name actresses are going completely nude, full frontal and high definition on a weekly basis. You know, back in the. I still say that the 80s and the 90s were the best for movie nudity, especially the 80s, but they didn't have all these shows like Boardwalk Empire, Spartacus, Californication, Shameless, and I could go on and on with all these great shows. The L word was good. Sopranos, where, you know, weekly stars of the show, not like extras, but the stars, Mary Louise Parker and Weeds are doing great nude scenes. So nowadays you have the theater nudity and then you factor in all that cable nudity. It's like the golden age of celeb news. Right now.

[Larry Miller]

You hit the mother load of loads.

[Patrick Warburton]

Exactly.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. All right, now we got to look at something. I don't know. Something worked out. That's all right.

[Patrick Warburton]

I could run it through you.

[Larry Miller]

I thought. I thought I had something worked out there.

[Patrick Warburton]

Sorry.

[Larry Miller]

Was going to shout them out and.

[Patrick Warburton]

We were going to put. Okay, cool.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, let me start. Like, one award we do every year is the nudecomer of the year, which is like a rookie of the year in. In sports, you know, where someone that's done their first nude scene, Dakota Fanning.

[Larry Miller]

Won it last year. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

The Sharon Hinnondale is ridiculous. There's a show on Showtime, a show on Showtime called Look that no one saw.

[Adam Carolla]

Just quick. The producers of this show are the ones who are producing Charlie Sheen's you stream show.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Wow.

[Patrick Warburton]

This girl is so hot. And she got naked a ton during this show. And it, you know, they put it on at like 12:08 in the morning on Showtime. 12:37 on Sunday nights and my people's Sabbath.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. This girl's hot. Sharon Hinnandale, our nudecomer of the year. Someone. Someone that is naked for the first time. That we expect big things down the road. Hopefully no sophomore jinx this year, but we'll see.

[Larry Miller]

What happened last year year. Was there ever a sophomore jinx? That means you put. Put on someone became a nun the following year.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yes.

[Larry Miller]

I mean, you could have it drown in swimming pool or they just never.

[Patrick Warburton]

Get in another movie or TV show. That's what happens.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. That's the jinx.

[Patrick Warburton]

Gosh, I can't even remember.

[Larry Miller]

Wow, look at this.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. Oh, it's ridiculous. Yeah. Sharon Hinondale won our nudecomer of the year.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I can see why now.

[Patrick Warburton]

Like another one. Like every year we do a best breast. Who out of all the breasts we saw for the year, who was number one? And Jessica Pare this year from Hot tub time machine. Remember that movie with Craig Robinson?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I didn't see it, but I would have if I knew there was a better place.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, There's a girl, this Jessica parade is in a hot tub with Craig Robinson. She has like 36D natural boobs and they're pretty amazing. Now she later in the year went on in the show Mad Men to play Don Draper's secretary Megan. And actually she blew up because when she was on Mad Men, Don Draper and his secretary had a really important storyline there. So when season four ended this year, she was, you know, one of the most searched women on Google. But early in the year she did this movie and won best breasts for our anatomy awards.

[Larry Miller]

Nice work. Yeah. Yeah, Craig, boy, he's on the clock right now. I mean, what's his name? Who's that? Craig Romson. Yeah. Wow. That's got to be right Beautiful.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, she's gorgeous.

[Larry Miller]

Nice work. Gorgeous.

[Patrick Warburton]

Now also, best lesbian scenes, another award. Big. Every year, you know, we had people vote. This year for the first time, we let people vote on some of the bigger categories. And the Black Swan with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman, a lot of guys liked, but they didn't get naked. These two girls did in the movie. Chloe Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore. And watching the video here, which you guys are all doing, this is almost like X rated stuff. I mean, there's some, you know, you can see the. Some finger work there. Amanda's. And what I loved about this classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Pianist.

[Larry Miller]

Tickling the ivory.

[Patrick Warburton]

What I loved about this is the cougar kitten. The Older woman, younger woman. I thought, that's so hot too, you know? So this was my favorite lesbian scene of 2000.

[Larry Miller]

She's in little Red Riding Hood, right? Coming up. Yeah, she got it. Looks like she's got a good rack on her.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, she's great. She had a good year, too, because she did it. A nude scene in Big Love, and she had a nice nudity year.

[Larry Miller]

Well, look, if you were talking to a baseball coach and he was saying this guy had a good year, he'd be talking about slugging percentage, you know what I mean? Not personal, you know? All right, so nice. Yeah. Like the nice May December lesbian scene there. What else we got?

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, the other thing was the best TV show, which is really a big category now with all these great shows. And we took. Actually, I couldn't even decide, so I went with a tie this year. Boardwalk Empire and Spartacus, Blood and Sand and I always. The Spartacus, Blood and Sands on the Stars Network. Yeah, it's anyone. Every guy that sees it comes to me. They come to me like, oh, my God, this show is unbelievable. All it is is picture the original movie Caligula as though it was like weekly on television in high definition.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And what I love about it, they'll have scenes where two people are talking in the foreground and in the background, there's like a Roman orgy going on. It's like just, eh, whatever. There's just a bunch hot chicks having sex, a lot of slave action.

[Larry Miller]

Blood and sand, two the worst things to beat off with, by the way. Just, you know, a little safety tip for you folks, and when you combine the two, look out.

[Patrick Warburton]

This scene here that you guys are watching, she. That's. By the way, that's Lucy Lawless, Xena, Warrior princess who got naked a ton in season one.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And she just have a conversation with her husband while he's banging another girl. And this is just a typical scene. Spartacus.

[Larry Miller]

I gotta start tuning in here. Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And then Boardwalk Empire was another one, which brought like full frontal back to the. Back to tv, which I loved. The Spartacus did too.

[Larry Miller]

How do they handle the bush in Boardwalk?

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, it was the twenties, Adam. There was no shaved, no hardwood floors in the twenties. I loved it.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, you gotta. You gotta rock a merkin or something, right?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, there was a lot of merkin action in both shows. Cause I've heard interviews with some of the girls saying that, you know, hey, we don't have these big hairy bushes like they had. So they had to wear the wigs.

[Donnie]

Get that drop.

[Larry Miller]

I saw the Tonight Show. Jay asking the tough question. Wow, who's that?

[Patrick Warburton]

That's Paz de la Huerta, who was on Boardwalk Empire. She was almost full front the first six or seven episodes. It seems she was completely naked almost every episode, I'd say.

[Larry Miller]

So nudity's, you know, having a little bit of a renaissance.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, like I said, Adam, this is. This is tv. You don't have to go to a theater to see this. This is your weekly tv Sunday night.

[Larry Miller]

Our kids are gonna be so burnt out. Like, my son's gonna be 14. It's like, ah, not another booby. I'm gonna vomit.

[Patrick Warburton]

I know. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know if it's good or if it's bad. All right, how many more categories do we have?

[Patrick Warburton]

Oh, we have a ton. I just wanted to show, you know, these are just some of the highlights. I think the butt one is good because we divided it up between left and right cheek. Well, we almost did. It was thong and nude. Because our rule is at the skin offices, if you're wearing a thong, that's not technically nude, even though you can still see the butt. Eastbound and down. A great show. Watch this. This is Vita Guerra. Actually, this girl here, Ana de la Cuerra, that's with Kenny Powers. She takes her dress off and shows her butt. She used a body double. The body double is Vita Guerra. One of the best thong scenes you're ever gonna see.

[Larry Miller]

And one of the dumbest broads on the planet.

[Donnie]

One of the best guests in history.

[Patrick Warburton]

Look at that.

[Larry Miller]

She was on a radio show. God. Horrible human being pulling teeth. Oh, I'd like to put a cigarette out on that ass. Pain in the ass.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, she won the thongs. Best thong this year. And then our best nude butt was Jessica Albin the Killer Inside Me, which is a movie with Casey Affleck where it's one of the wildest things. He just spanks chicks the whole movie. And really, Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba get the wrath of his spanking. And you could see, you know, we've been waiting forever for Jessica Alba to do a nude scene.

[Larry Miller]

Sure. And I've literally been standing outside of theaters just going, come on, let's go.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, here. You'll see it right here.

[Larry Miller]

You see some ass here. Yeah, good.

[Patrick Warburton]

Look at that.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's nice for. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'd like to do to Kate Hudson for the last 11 rom coms, by the way. Just have Casey Beat the crap out of her for all the shitty movies she's done.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, it's a little scene's a little rough, but they're just actors.

[Adam Carolla]

I do not feel titillated.

[Patrick Warburton]

I'm assuming now they're having sex.

[Larry Miller]

Yes. All's good. All right. Shall we? And there's more of those if you want to. Where do you go? You go Mr. Skin. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

MrSkin.com. you can't miss it. Anatomy Wars. We've got 40 categories. We just cherry picked some of the bigger ones, but. 40 categories?

[Donnie]

What's the big one? The equivalent to best picture?

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, yeah, we do a breast picture. I chose Piranha 3D. In my world, that was the best movie of the year. It had the best nude scene with Kelly Brooke and Riley Steele. Their underwater nude ballet had the best nude parasailing scene of 2010 with Gianna Michaels.

[Larry Miller]

Now I gotta watch that.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, they had fun. It was a real fun movie. And all this nudity is brought to you in 3D. So for what I do for a living, this was the best movie of 2010.

[Larry Miller]

And you're the lead cardiologist over at the what institute? Oh, no, I see this. Yes, for this. Oh, wow.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. This Kelly Brooke and Riley Steele scene is so much fun underwater. They're wearing nothing but flippers, and they have a little of that opera music going on in the background, and slow mo. And it's really.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. How was this Piranha movie? I kind of want to see it. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Look at this.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Riley Steele and Kelly Brook. Very sexy underwater nude ballet.

[Larry Miller]

Geez. Willikers. Boy, like to be in that editing bay, huh? Yeah, but there's a lot of. Hey, knock before you come on in here, because a lot of. I'm gonna be eating, damn it. Eating off. Yeah. All right, all right. Before I'm gonna have to ask you guys to clear out, why don't we do a little bit of news before we call it a day? You got a little more left in you, Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Gina Grad]

And now the rest of the news with Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

So pork has a new slogan. The National Pork Board replaced the decades old ad campaign of the other white meat with a new message, which is not very awesome. It's pork. Be inspired.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's just. It's a cop out. If you could put crayons and then put Be Inspired, or put Chevrolet and then put Be Inspired, or you could put replacement hips and be. If you could just take your slugline and put it underneath anything. A fucking sombrero. And then say, be inspired. It's no good.

[Adam Carolla]

Sombrero would be inspiring though. But yeah, no pork. Be inspired is now doing. Is now picking up where, you know.

[Larry Miller]

What can I do for you?

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna say the other white meat has done a lot of work now. Pork Beanspire. Just stepping in.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, board officials said after nearly 25 years, it was time to move on from the old message that compared pork to chicken and instead tried to increase sales by focusing on the estimated 82 million Americans who are eat pork. And the overall goal is to move sales of our product.

[Larry Miller]

Is it chew? Do you feel bad about this?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Larry Miller]

You okay?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fine. I don't observe anything. I'm barely.

[Larry Miller]

That's good. What about your parents, do they.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we're all sans religion.

[Larry Miller]

That's good. I know a lot of Jews that they're not Jewish at all except for then when Passover comes around, it's like, pow, they're out of the office.

[Adam Carolla]

Or no, we're not Jewish at all except for like when. If Hitler came around, I feel like we would have been. Not by.

[Larry Miller]

You wouldn't have been.

[Adam Carolla]

We would have been. I mean, we wouldn't have raised our hand.

[Larry Miller]

He would have rounded you. Yeah, he would have sussed that out, probably. Yeah. It's too bad.

[Adam Carolla]

So another food story. Subway has now surpassed McDonald's as the world's largest restaurant chain in terms of units.

[Larry Miller]

What goes on?

[Adam Carolla]

End of last year, Subway had 33, 749 restaurants worldwide, compared to McDonald's 32,737. However, McDonald's still is the leader in terms of sales.

[Larry Miller]

Here's what's going on, okay? Everyone's going to get a very clear explanation of how human beings work. Familiar is good when you're dumb. My dog eats the same fucking thing every single day. Seven, seven days a week with a 55 pound sack of the shit. Eats it every day is just as excited every fucking day. Dumb people love eating the same shit. And by the way, they love the same everything. They love the same fucking shitty songs, they love the same shitty shows. They love the same every day, all the time. They love the same team. They love everything. When you're smart, you want variety because you get burnt out really quick eating the same thing and especially listening to the same shit. And I drive around all day and I just hear the same fucking five horrible songs on the radio and I see that Subway's number one. And across the street there's Giamllo's or Some just sub shop. A sub joint with an old Italian guy. And I was gonna say for an extra dollar, but it's the same price. For five bucks you can go there and get a real sub sandwich. Not so someone wearing those weird baggy glove things, weighing out the meat that's put together like particle board and it's like little pre weighed. I don't want fucking pre weigh. I don't want a guy weighing out the gravy before he dumps it on the meatballs. All this pre whatever shit. So you get this weird generic bad version of look. It's fine if it's the kind of thing where you're over at someone's house and you've helped them move and they went, I just went to Subways and I got three Italians, three tunas and three turkeys help you. But if you just have a choice, the fuck are you going over there for?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're taking a risk potentially if you go to someplace you don't know. Whereas Subway or McDonald's, there's the. I think I'm just saying that's an argument for the.

[Larry Miller]

No, it's an emotional risk. I'm telling you, when I was driving here Yesterday, listening that Godforsaken 80s channel and listening that fucking whore Joan Jetsing. I love rock and roll. Put another Diamond Joe. I thought, who the fuck wants to hear this song? It sucked then, it sucks now, it sucked in the interim and I fucking feel like I'm being raped. I feel like I'm being raped by everything in our society. Like, stop beating me over the head with this shit. I know it's familiar to you dumb people. Leave me alone, Mr.

[Gina Grad]

Skinny.

[Donnie]

Has Joan Jett been naked?

[Patrick Warburton]

No.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, who?

[Donnie]

Joan Jett.

[Larry Miller]

No, Never knew. God, there should be a class action lawsuit against her for that piece of shit she calls this song. But yet we gotta pound and everyone just goes, oh, I like it. Oh, I like it. It's the same with the food. Oh, Subway. Oh, I like it. No, you don't like it. It's not a good sub sandwich. It's the one you know, and you're dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also, Starbucks has been around. Starbucks has been around for 40 years now. I think that's another example of people, they know what they're getting when they go in.

[Larry Miller]

Yo. But at least you could say that's a good cup of coffee, right? Where Subway's not a good sub shop.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Larry Miller]

So, yeah. And yeah, you know, there's. I'm. I'll give you the. You know what you're getting, and you know you're not gonna get salmonella and all that kind of shit, but I don't wander into a sub shop or even a Hole in the Wall barbecue joint and think I'm gonna get food poisoning. I, I, that's the whole point. I would rather eat at the Hole in the Wall barbecue joint than eat a McRib. Right. All right. It's just, just the fuck. People are so fucking stupid. And this is an indicator of how fucking dumb we are as a society. That and that fucking 80s station on Sirius.

[Adam Carolla]

And this another salvo in the war against Baby Gaga. Breast milk ice cream.

[Larry Miller]

Right. You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Lawyers for Lady Gaga have threatened to sue if the makers of Baby Gaga don't change the name by 1600 hours, Wednesday or 4pm I'm with babies saying.

[Larry Miller]

Gaga ga long before Lady Gaga ga.

[Adam Carolla]

They were. And that, and that's what the ice cream is where, like, this is the baby's first sound, blah, blah, blah. But Lady Gaga says, no, you're capitalizing on my Gaga ness.

[Larry Miller]

God, she's capitalizing on my last nerve. When is that bitch gonna go away? I hope she goes to a Subway while a Joan Jet song is playing and a fucking piece of the Space Lab hits it and they all die. Can't take it anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

The letter accuses the ice creamists of taking unfair advantage of and riding on the coattails of Lady Gaga's trademarks in a manner that is, quote, deliberately provocative and to many people, nausea inducing.

[Larry Miller]

You know, you know, I know, you know, you know what happens. You know why it's grating on me? Because every time we go to a club now, Mike lynch has taken it upon himself to eat breast milk ice cream. Correctamundo, he put together a fucking song list of good songs. So every time I walk into one of these clubs we're playing, I walk in and I hear a good song. But it's his playlist, and it's essentially my playlist. And I hear a song I like, and then I always stop and go, why are they playing this good song? And then I realized, oh, that's our song list. If I wasn't here, we'd be hearing Bad to the Bone by George thurgood for the 150,000 fucking time.

[Donnie]

I do love that song.

[Larry Miller]

Or Dirty fucking Laundry or some other piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

They're rolling out a musical red carpet for you.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, my God. The last time we were at last time, we were at John Lovitz's club or one of the times we were playing there, they played like dirty laundry and then they played like an extended dance version of it. It's like somebody said, how can we make this piece of shit even worse? How can we annoy Corolla even more? Just stop it all, you idiots. Stop eating at Subway and stop listening to your shitty music. Listen something decent. Eat a good sandwich, would you? It's so sad. That's so sad. I mean, I ate at Subway when. Subway. You know, there was a Subway In Chatsworth like 22 years ago when I was swinging a hammer and I went in there and it's like, all right, there's a pillowcase of shredded lettuce here. There's some composite turkey that's been weighed out and it's put together by a retarded guy. Guy who's wearing the weird baggies on his hands. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to the Mon. Pot. I understand you go to Home Depot because you want to pay 19 bucks for a sheet of CDX. Good. One side struck one. Plywood instead of 32 bucks at the mom and pop place. But for the difference between $5 and $535, go to fucking mon pa place and get a real sandwich, you retards.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we talk about how the they wear hairnets, but then also sometimes they wear like a. If they have a beard, a hairnet over their beard. Have you seen that?

[Larry Miller]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's weird.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. By the way, if they sign on as a sponsor, I'll be singing a different tune next week.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Of course.

[Larry Miller]

Delightful, tangy, zesty. Yes. Subway, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, it's always fresh. Pre weighed.

[Larry Miller]

Subway.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you hate when you get too much gravy or not enough gravy? Subway you get Exactly.

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Want real, real fast. One more Lady Gaga thing. She had a deal with Target that dissolved this week because Target donates to anti gay politicians in February. Talking to Billboard.

[Larry Miller]

Do they. Do you think they describe themselves as anti gay politicians? I'm Herb Johnson. Anti gay politician.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to rid the world. I need your vote in February.

[Larry Miller]

I bet they don't describe themselves as that way.

[Adam Carolla]

They do, they say. They say, I'm going to rid the world of gayness. Gay Republicans. She said in February our relationship is hinged upon their reform in the company to support the gay community and to redeem the mistakes they've made from supporting those groups. Okay, so I don't want to see her naked.

[Larry Miller]

Mr.

[Gina Grad]

Skin.

[Patrick Warburton]

No, she has not been.

[Adam Carolla]

You won't be able to get Lady Gaga stuff.

[Patrick Warburton]

There's a reason she wears a mask all the time.

[Larry Miller]

Yes. Yeah. Little. Little rough around the mug. Yeah. And as I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. When you got pipes. You know, Aretha Franklin does not go out on stage in Whitney Houston back in the day. And for that matter, Celine Dion. Love her, hate her. She doesn't go out on stage dragging a steamer trunk full of shit. She just drags her voice out there. And Carrot Top does drag a steamer trunk worth of shit, but Bob Newhart, Jerry Seinfeld, don't do the math. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

So a reported kidnapping at UC Irvine turned out to be a family intervention. Students reported a kidnapping because they saw a woman. They saw a car pull up next to a woman, a van, actually, and grab her and pull her in in the morning. And then it turned out that they were her family and it was an intervention.

[Larry Miller]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

She's now in a hospital. Isn't that crazy?

[Larry Miller]

In a van?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Do you rent a van or do you just go look?

[Adam Carolla]

An intervention.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. My daughter's probably gonna have a drug problem, so I should trade the Miata in for a panel van.

[Adam Carolla]

I just think that's poor planning, intervention wise. I've never done an intervention, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it on a street where it's gonna look like a kidnapping.

[Larry Miller]

Every third movie from the 80s. Speaking of good movies from the 80s, Mr. Skin, at some point, a van would pull up, the door would come sliding open, they'd throw someone in, and. And the door would slide shut and.

[Patrick Warburton]

They'D peel off like a Silence of the Lamb.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Yeah, they always did that. I was always waiting for it to happen to me every time I walk down the sidewalk. Where's that fucking van?

[Patrick Warburton]

Scared of vans.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Where's that 18 van? Yeah. Sorry. Where were you? She a great big fat person.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. You're welcome.

[Gina Grad]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Larry Miller]

All right. Freedom Debt. Ra. Freedom Debt Relief will find the debt relief solution that works for you. They're an industry leader with over 1 billion. 1 billion of debt resolved. So they have a little fresh start program, reduces your credit card debt. Let's say you ran up the credit card. You want to bring it down just a little bit, and you don't want to pay the full freight. Well, then you contact my good friends over at Free Freedom Debt Relief and you can resolve your debt in 24 to 48 months. Call today. Find out if they can help you and how much they can save you. And again, maybe they can help you, maybe they can't. I bet they can. But we'll never find out unless you give them a buzz. 1800-450-1545. That's 1-800-450-1545. Freedom, debt relief. And again, if you're in a bind, times are telling. Call them, talk to them. See what they can do. Let them help you. All right, let's see, where were we? Ah, Mr. Skin. That's right. Go to his website, MrSkin.com. that is MrSkin.com. and check out. Oh, man, if they had this when we were in high school, then we wouldn't need you, Mr. Skin. Yeah, right. God bless you. Doing the lord's work for now 12 over 12 years. So until next time, this is Adam Kroller for bald brine, Mr. Skin, you know him as Jim McBride. And of course, the winner of today's blah, blah, blah, Allison Rosen. And we'll see you guys tonight or tomorrow night, whatever. Wednesday night up at the Universal CityWalk with Bobcat. So until next time, this is Adam Carollis saying, mahalo.

[Adam Carolla]

Unprotected sex some months before. Check.

[Giovanni]

That was Adam Kroll Show 518. Come next, we have Adam Kroll Show 520, featuring Dan Finnerty, Patrick Warburton, Allison Rosen and Brian bishop. Also from 2011.

[Larry Miller]

Good night, bald bright. I don't know what we're yelling about. And of course, Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam, Carolla, Dan.

[Larry Miller]

Bands a good time, aren't they?

[Adam Carolla]

They were really fun.

[Larry Miller]

Just we turned this place into a party. Tip of the cap to the Weeze and his wife Kathy and Kelly and Sandy Ganz and all the folks that busted their hump to put this on for Sledgehammer.

[Donnie]

You know, it's a big production when the behind the scenes guys are wearing.

[Larry Miller]

Walkie talkies for the first time. Walkie talkie MV ever. Yeah, I still say we needed a bald black man with a walkie talkie where it's clipped on his belt and then he has a headset attached to it. Yes, but I guess Mike lynch will do in a pinch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he hasn't affected the super judgmental, snooty attitude that I would expect. Give him a little more time with the walkie talkie.

[Larry Miller]

Needs the black turtleneck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They need clipboards and pencils. And also, what? I don't know if you saw this. They are standing next to each other in there talking to each Other into the walkie talkies making walkie talkie jokes. Oh, I can't hear you if you don't press the thing.

[Donnie]

One thing lynch did well was he's like, dawson, come in. We're going live in five minutes. And Dawson was standing about four feet from him.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it sort of reminds me, and I should thank Matty as well for doing a great job tonight. It's sad. It always reminds me of whenever I go to the auto show, I always go on the preview night. I get there early, it's actually the preview day and I get there before the show starts officially and I roam around. And if you go down to the basement, in the basement of the auto show, up top you got your BMWs and your Porsches. Down below they got the Shamwow guy and the guy for the newbie wax and you know, the once a year car wax system and all this stuff and they have their little kiosk set up and it's just one of those sort of high bars, you know, where the guy stands behind it and you know, he's basically selling a chamois or some sort of car duster or some sort of once a year car polish. He's got the headset on, he's got the two speakers out on the tripods to his right and to his left, left. There'll be one old guy standing in front of him and nobody else. And it'll be like, hey, when's the last time this happened to you? You just got done waxing your arm and it's like he's talking to the headset, the thing's going out. It can be heard from outside of the convention center, but there's one old dude holding a beer standing in front of him, right? And then there's that weird thing where.

[Adam Carolla]

Once with this hearing aid turned out.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Once you commit, once you commit to the microphone, it's hard just to put it down and realize, I guess we don't really need this thing. Once you get that headphone on, get that headset going and the big speakers, it's not like there's a huge crowd around the guy who's selling the chamois in the basement of the LA Convention center on a Thursday afternoon at the auto show, I should say a couple of things. One has had a nice embarrassing moment happen to me every time I do one of these sort of radio tours and I did one this morning. A, I have to get up very early. B, they're spaced out incrementally, like 10 minutes, 10 minutes, 10 minutes. You know, you're calling these guys in Cleveland, you're calling these guys in Pittsburgh, you're calling these guys in wherever. And it's always this thing where it's weird if you start running along because you have to hang up to talk to somebody else. Another radio station, right? And it's sort of. I guess you're sort of like the Bachelor. I just. I watched the beginning of the Bachelor the other night, and he was like, man, I'm really starting to have feelings for Tammy. I met her parents. She comes from a great. You know, she comes from Seattle. It's a beautiful town. And I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with Tammy. And then. And then. And then you go take a piss and you come back, it's like, jenna's awesome, her parents are awesome. She comes. Boston's an awesome town. I could definitely see myself spending some time with Jenna. And then you go down the stairs and get a beer and you like, come back like, Shirley. Shirley's a dynamite gal. It's like, you're like, wow, how many fucking times can you say this, right? You're talking about nine girls who is really. They're awesome. Their parents are awesome. You had an awesome time. You really felt like you made some ground. Nine times. Fill in the blank. And you do that when you do this radio thing where you go, like, all right, you don't want to tell them, but I gotta go, I gotta talk to another radio station. So I usually say something like, I gotta wrap it up. I gotta drive my kids into school, or something like that. I'm. I gotta call one of your competitors and tell the same shitty stories. So this morning I got up at 6 and maybe about 6 10, and maybe 6 18. And I had my first one at 6 22. And somewhere around 6 36, 32, I had my next one coming up. And I was like, hey, fellas, sorry, but gotta cut it short. Gotta take the kids. Gotta get the kids ready for school. Hung up the phone. Then I looked down my call sheet and I saw the next station called the next number. And it so often happens because we're well oiled machine over here. That number had the same people pick up again. Of course I didn't. I don't know it. Cause everyone sounds the same and it sicks there anymore. It's like, thank God. Instead, say, done talking to those douchebags. Now I'm talking to you. You know? So I said, hey, what's happening? And they're like, hello? And I Was like, hey, this is Adam. They're like, what? And I'm like, oh, oh, we just, I just got off the phone with you. And they're like, yeah, we just hung up. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I was just gonna make a quick call before I got the kids ready. Yeah, yes, this the Pine Oak Creek Crest Village. Shit. Anyway, anyway, by the way, if you have a school, you just name it after a kind of a tree or creek or something. So I'm like, alright. And I hang up the phone and then I do that thing where I look and I go, oh, wait a minute. Their number is just one digit off of the other number I just called. So I must have just called the other number. I'll do that thing where I'll get started on the first, the beginning part of the number and then skip over. So I said, oh, I must have, I must have hopped up to the next number readout, picked up the phone again. Hello? Hey, is this Boomer in the nudge? No, we just hung up. We just talked to each other. Oh, hey, yeah, right, right, okay, yeah, I know. Then I hang up the phone again. Then there's a number underneath it that says, you know, emergency number, call this number case that number is one God.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn digital radio emergency.

[Larry Miller]

It's like one of these. It's a backup number. Like, okay, this first number doesn't pick. And by the way, I cannot, I cannot tell you how stupid radio people are or, and, or Mike August is, because every half the time I call these numbers, it's the chick at the front desk and she goes, why are you calling this number? And I'm like, I just opened the phone book and randomly started calling numbers in the Midwest. Like I. Because this is the number your people said to call. Or at least they told Mike August and then it went through his fucking HEPA filter, which is filled with so much putrefied diatomaceous earth a cockroach couldn't live in there. I have no idea how any of this thing works.

[Donnie]

It's more of a Yahtzee cup.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it's more of a. Yeah, you're right. Thank you. I then called the backup number, got the same guys for now a third time, and then realized the backup number was one digit off from the backup number of the number that was above it, and thought, I must have misdialed the backup number. And it. Anyway, four calls to the same guys later, I just basically said, you know, what kind of scotch do you like? And we humped the phone and I Never got through to whatever station who was, I'm sure calling me assholes on the air for not calling in. But I still am confused.

[Adam Carolla]

I am confused. So, but the first one that you called four times by the end, did they think it was funny and charming or were they irritated?

[Larry Miller]

No, no, they thought it was funny. I don't know about charming, but they certainly thought it was funny that I was making an ass wipe of myself and I was at that thing where I went to bed. I'd had myself, you know, my sledgehammer before I go to bed and you know, I go to bed at 1:00, 1:15, something like that. And you know, the alarm was set for like 6:15. This is one of those things where like you're. You're a little bit cloudy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Like you're like, you think, what did I do? I must have fucked something up. I must have miss dialed. I guess I hit the wrong number. I guess I looked up a notch or something so I blamed it on my fingers and I took a bible and hit my right hand with it. And then I called back and proceeded to do it four times.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you feel like a stranger's hand was calling?

[Larry Miller]

It was humiliating. Yeah, that's a good porn porn title.

[Adam Carolla]

A stranger's hand is calling. The hand is coming from inside the house. Do you ever have that nightmare where you have to make a call and it's urgent and you can't like get. You can't dial the right number or the thing won't work and stuff? I guess you don't. Never mind. You just have it in real life.

[Larry Miller]

I have the nightmare worm at the old style porn peekaboo booth and I don't have enough change. That's. That's the dude. That's the dude.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think that represents?

[Larry Miller]

That's our running in sand nightmare. So I got that. Also, somebody sent me an email today and I know you. You put it in your news.

[Adam Carolla]

I did.

[Larry Miller]

Well, maybe we'll just wait for it. Maybe we'll just wait you reveal it in the news. All right, so what shall we do? Should we do a little news and we'll wait for Dan to mop off and come in here? All right, let's do that.

[Donnie]

Talk about your favorite sledgehammer already.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I did. Delightful.

[Gina Grad]

Live from the international News center next to Donnie's mini bike.

[Larry Miller]

Look at that.

[Gina Grad]

This is the new nice graph with Alison Rosen.

[Larry Miller]

You gotta subscribe to the show, people. It is unbelievable. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and more than just seeing the graphic you can see us.

[Larry Miller]

Mm. Oh, yeah, Pretty. I'm pouring myself a little more sledgehammer. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the four time Iditarod champion, who is poised to be the fifth. The fifth champion, Martin Bucer just pulled in to coat now and in his earbud, he was listening to the final chapter of your audiobook.

[Larry Miller]

Adam, I spent my honeymoon in Tacotena.

[Adam Carolla]

It's lovely.

[Larry Miller]

It's only during the winter months, of course, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, it's a ghost town in the summer.

[Larry Miller]

Someone sent me an email that said, how'd you make it through the last six hours? Or what are you doing? Or what are you listening to? I guess. Look, I need earbuds to spend 14 minutes on a treadmill at a Holiday Inn. If I was mushing huskies for. For 17 hours straight, I would definitely need me some earbuds.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

I mean, what else is there to do? You'd start going insane, right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think that your book perhaps gave him the pep he needed.

[Larry Miller]

You know, it's funny because.

[Donnie]

Drive angry.

[Larry Miller]

As I was laying down the audio book, I was thinking, you know what? This is for all the mushers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, that's nice.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah. Neil diamond does it for the tree people. I do it for the mushers.

[Adam Carolla]

That is, that is. That is thoughtful because I feel like the mushers are often overlooked. And Adam, I bet you don't know where the term mushing comes from.

[Larry Miller]

We were talking about it before we heated up the mics here. And there's no more manly, masculine, difficult sport. I know there's a lesbian who won it like five years in a row, but I mean, there's no tougher sport that has a weaker name, right? Oh, maybe rodeo clown at least has the word rodeo in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, mush sounds very weak, but. But it comes from Marche, which is French for go or run, which actually is still pretty weak.

[Donnie]

That's pretty weak.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. That's pretty weak. It is, yeah. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

But, but, but actually being part of the Iditarod is for. Only for cowboys. Snow cowboys.

[Larry Miller]

It's. It's over 1100 miles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 1150 miles. It's from Anchorage to Nome. And you have a pack of 12 to 16 dogs. And sometimes you only have seven or so by the end because they die along the way.

[Larry Miller]

You get hungry.

[Adam Carolla]

You might have to eat. That was. And also sometimes as they are testing out their team of dogs, they'll realize, like, oh, Roy, and I'm not even making this up, there is one named Roy. Roy is not fit for this team, they need to boot them out.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Didn't make the cut.

[Adam Carolla]

It's tragic. He turns to alcohol usually, and 10 to 17 days to do the whole thing. Let's do it next year.

[Larry Miller]

All right, I'm in. I couldn't imagine. I don't know how this works. I know it's probably been going on for 100 years. I don't know who thought of this plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, Santa Claus.

[Larry Miller]

It says 1049 miles on the thing. Either way, it's goddamn impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 1150.

[Larry Miller]

I mean, can you imagine being dragged? Like, what if you got, like, one of those mechanics creepers and you put it. You know, you tied it up to, like, five Mexicans, and they just dragged you to San Francisco and back, and then back to San Francisco again? That'd be horrible, wouldn't it?

[Donnie]

It's very on PC, but if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Were listening to your audiobook, it'd be slightly better.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think you can yell, mush.

[Larry Miller]

What's Mexican for mush?

[Adam Carolla]

Andalay.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah, andalay. Sorry. Mush. I did German.

[Adam Carolla]

So Charlie Sheen, back in the news.

[Larry Miller]

What's going on with him?

[Adam Carolla]

He's suing Warner Brothers and Two and a Half Men executive producer Chuck Lorre for $100 million. $100 million for him and for all the crew. And the suit alleges that production was halted to punish Sheen, and he's suing for punitive damages as well, so.

[Larry Miller]

Well, you know, it's hard to agree with a madman, but on the other hand, if you can do your job, you can do your job. I mean, he has been doing his job. It's not like he just picked up the booger Sugar at age 46 and a half or something. I'm assuming he's been partying and whoring and having a. Having a good time his entire career. Right. He shows up for work and he delivers.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think anyone picks the booger sugar at 46 or 47.

[Larry Miller]

I'm thinking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Like you have never picked it up before?

[Larry Miller]

No, I'm thinking about reacquainting myself with the booger sugar. Mm. No. I mean, I'll tell you. I'll tell you honestly, I have to mellow myself out now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, with that. That's what all the sledgehammers are.

[Larry Miller]

Sledgehammer. Yeah. I can't. I can't get beaked up. I'd freak out. I'd start thinking about how much college cost, and I'd freak Out, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. I once heard someone say that. It's just. You just can't pick it up in your 40s. It's just.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'll try and get back to you. But the point is this. Charlie does his job, and he's always done his job.

[Adam Carolla]

So then do you agree with what he's alleging, which is that he was fired, like he was being punished?

[Larry Miller]

Well, I will say this. If they said, hey, show up to work on Monday, and he did not show up to work on Monday, and they said, show up to work on Tuesday, and he didn't show up to work on Tuesday, and they said, hey, if you're not here by Friday, we're going to shit can your ass. And he didn't show up, then he didn't fulfill his side of the agreement. But if they didn't miss a day of work, and he didn't miss a day of work and whatever his extracurricular activities were. I mean, look, whether you're in the NFL, this whole bullshit where it's like, hey, he's in the NFL. He's a role model. He's Charlie Sheen. He's a role model. What, raping chicks at college parties? Or doing coke and fucking hookers? Like you're not a role model? Is there a human being left that thinks celebrities or athletes are role models?

[Adam Carolla]

I model myself after Britney Spears. Speak for yourself.

[Larry Miller]

Wait a minute. That's my model? You kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

Then I'm taking Lilo. Lilo? Lindsay Lohan.

[Larry Miller]

I had her and Britney Spears. Anyone else you'd like to see? Who I model myself after? Yes. They've both risen from the ashes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, then I'm taking Haley Duff.

[Larry Miller]

Okay? That's my Hillary Duff. I got the Duff. Okay, who gave her the list? You can have the Olsens. Who gave her the list? This is not a coincidence.

[Adam Carolla]

I will trade you a Duff for us. For Spears.

[Donnie]

Guys, these are horrible choices. I can't believe you're fighting for this.

[Larry Miller]

Fine. The point. The point is this. Look, whether you're Mike Tyson, as long as you're knocking guys out in the ring, or you're Charlie Sheen, do whatever the fuck you want. Show up to work Monday. If you know your lines, you hit your marks. I don't care how hungover you are. I don't care if you get a bloody nose in between takes. If you don't hold anyone up, then it's not your. That's your deal.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they say that they halted production so that he could get the help that he needed. Now you're a boss. Let's say I was coming in here and doing the great job that I am doing, but in between, it was clear that I was, like, totally a mess and addicted to something. And would you just be, like, not my problem?

[Larry Miller]

How about you leave the joking to Adam? I still don't know. So I'd say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was gonna use Brian, but he sometimes does.

[Larry Miller]

Have we got.

[Donnie]

That is true.

[Larry Miller]

We got Tracy Metro on speed. Dawn. All right. We'll get her in. Tracy. I agree wholeheartedly. That's what I like about her. And she. She always wears orange sweaters, which means she disappears when she hits the sofa.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a floating head.

[Larry Miller]

Mm. It's awesome. I agree wholeheartedly. Disagree with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I was just asking. I was just saying, do we not believe the producer who says that the reason they were halting production was to get help for Sheen?

[Larry Miller]

I don't think I agree wholeheartedly. I don't think this is gonna hold up in court.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care wholeheartedly.

[Larry Miller]

And I don't know what. How does it work? Like, what's Marty Sheen doing? Doing? Or Marty Short, for that matter.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. I love Marty Short.

[Larry Miller]

Somebody named Marty should be doing something. No. What? Dad has been sober for a million years, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

He came out and said he was concerned about no ass.

[Larry Miller]

Sheen lock. All I'm saying is this. See, the sledgehammer helps me turn a phrase. Let me say this. If you're Marty Sheen, shouldn't you. You just enlist a bunch of, like, mercenaries from South America just to drop in via helicopter and just, you know, black ops all the way, just abduct your son at this point, you know what I'm saying? Like, don't you have to show up? Where's Martin Sheen?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But what an interesting take on parenthood.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. You know who needs to get involved? First off, he needs Bill Cosby. He needs to get in here. She needs the Dream parenthood team Carroll O'Connor. If he's still alive. He's still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so.

[Donnie]

Let's say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say yes for the sake of argument.

[Larry Miller]

I'm just saying we need. We need Lohan's dad.

[Adam Carolla]

He's great.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Toby.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael.

[Larry Miller]

Michael.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get a Toby in there too. Toby Keith. What's he doing?

[Larry Miller]

We need all the guys to get involved with this and just show up there with the extraction team. Get Daryl Gates, Mr. Mom you know, six wheel military vehicle, the big battering ram on it. Just go right through the front door of Rancho Relaxo and pull him right out of there. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Problem solved. So get this, Adam Brian listeners. Someone stole Guy Fieri's, or you could pronounce it Fieri like it's spelled Lamborghini.

[Larry Miller]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Someone stole his Lambo.

[Larry Miller]

Which one? I just want to hear you try to pronounce Gallardo. Go ahead. How do you spell it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is the Gallardo. Ah, damn you, 2008. If you would say Gallardo, I would have said Gallardo.

[Larry Miller]

Damn it. If it'll make you feel better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. So police say a thief using climbing gear repelled.

[Larry Miller]

That's what I'm gonna get. Sheen out of Rancho Relaxo.

[Donnie]

Well, maybe it was Martin Sheen.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then listen up, because there's a blueprint for how you're gonna do it. Police say a thief using climbing gear rappelled into a San Francisco luxury car dealership and stole the minute to win it. And food network hosts $200,000 plus yellow 2008 Lamborghini Gallardo sports car on Tuesday.

[Larry Miller]

The guy with the crazy peroxide head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's him. The guy who wears the. Knowing who it is, it makes it worse. Yeah, the guy who wears the sweatband like right around his mid arm.

[Donnie]

Rock and roll chef.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. So he got the fly yellow Gallardo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. His car has been spotted all over town, by the way, which I think is kind of awesome, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

Just to let you guys know with the. How the news stories work, because it's nice when it's a $200,000 plus car. That car wasn't $200,000 plus when he bought it, and it was an 08. Yeah, it's gone. Up or down, I get that car for 89,500. Between 89 and 110, man. That's what I'm going to say to injury.

[Adam Carolla]

First his car stolen, and then he finds out he really overpaid.

[Larry Miller]

I'm just saying the news. The news loves to kind of of, you know, put everything on creatine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's.

[Larry Miller]

It's a hundred thousand dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it just went up to 400,000.

[Larry Miller]

Damn it. All right, come on, get on ebay. I'm telling you, go on ebay, put on Gallardo and see if you can find me in 08. I'll bet you. I bet you I can. I bet you I'll find a. Buy it now for under 110.

[Donnie]

What if his was souped up literally Soup literally had.

[Larry Miller]

Right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then it depends what kind of.

[Larry Miller]

I can't decide if I hate that guy or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. He's strangely likable for someone that you want to hate.

[Larry Miller]

I should hate him.

[Adam Carolla]

He shouts a lot.

[Donnie]

From all accounts, he's a really nice guy, but he has a shtick going on. You know what I mean?

[Larry Miller]

Is there anything there? Or is he just doing commercials for Fridays and making a ton of money?

[Donnie]

He owned successful restaurants and he, like, won or finished second or something on Next Food Network.

[Adam Carolla]

That's one of my favorite shows, actually.

[Donnie]

My wife watches a ton of food now. Watches.

[Larry Miller]

He has to have a smarter brother. That went to Emerson. That is fucking livid. Don't show me the convertible and make me into an asshole, you dick weeds. Show me the coop, you cunt fucks. I appreciate what you're attempting to do. Thank you, ass wipes. The convertibles. Another 50 grand.

[Adam Carolla]

All those dill weed cunt fucks make you a.

[Larry Miller]

Watch your language, sweet ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, perhaps I. Oh, there we go.

[Larry Miller]

All right, there's one. It's $100,000. It's got four days left. The reserve is not yet met, though. That's an.08. I'd still like to see. I'd still like to see a buy it now price.

[Donnie]

One is a buy it now for 157.

[Larry Miller]

No, too much. I can get. I can get it for cheaper. No one's going to pay. By the way, the buy it now is. Dream on.

[Donnie]

Dare I suggest that the outside possibility exists that you might be wrong? Dare I suggest it's the end of the week after all?

[Larry Miller]

Fine. One. Fine one. Okay. Well, either way, it is not a $200,000 plus car. It will be closer, much closer to 100 grand. Keep looking. Maybe. Maybe a little auto trader, you know, it's really worth. Adam, Whatever.

[Donnie]

Someone's going to be.

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Donnie]

That's the real point.

[Larry Miller]

That's a good point. God, I hate those assholes. I was at a. I was at a car show once, and I asked this guy who had a vintage go kart me and Donnie were looking at. And, you know, Donnie had a boner, so I had to do the talking. And I said, what's something like this worth? Because I really. It was a really nice piece, but it was like, you know, 1960s go kart. But it was like. I really couldn't tell you if it was seven grand or the guy would have wanted 22 grand for it. And he said, whatever. Someone will pay for It. And I thought, it's that same dude with salt and pepper and his mustache. He said, want to fucking hit with a snow shovel? Like, shovel the fuck up, you retard. Of course it's whatever. Someone. Hey, I'm gonna pull a booger out now. If I could get a retarded guy, like, if the Sultan of Brunei, who had a retarded cousin and would pay me a million dollars for this booger, then it'd be worth a fucking million dollars, you asshole.

[Donnie]

Let me go back to your oddly specific desire to hit it with a snow shovel. Imagining you imagine you with a square head shovel and you're like, nah, gotta.

[Larry Miller]

Get that snow shovel. I'll tell you why I like a snow shovel shovel. Because of the. The person's face gets imprinted into it.

[Donnie]

And it has that novelty bong.

[Larry Miller]

I've seen enough cartoons, all right, Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know enough about shovels. Is it square? Is a snow shovel?

[Donnie]

Snow shovel over Comically oversized comic, like, larger than a rake.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotcha. Sometime I'll tell you guys about the time that I had to cross rake. I actually cross raked. Me cross raking.

[Larry Miller]

What is. What do you mean cross?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I went to this horrible summer camp. Camp horrible. I milked cows. I did other stuff.

[Larry Miller]

Can I say this?

[Adam Carolla]

And I cross raked.

[Larry Miller]

Jews are always going off to camp. And you think, you think why? Didn't go well for us. People who'd want to do anything that had to work camp attached to it, you know what I mean? Like, well, hey, we need you to get on this train. You're going to camp and not so fast, goy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

I ain't getting. I ain't going nowhere.

[Adam Carolla]

You want all my jewelry?

[Dan Finnerty]

Why?

[Larry Miller]

For safekeeping.

[Adam Carolla]

That doesn't make sense.

[Donnie]

Fool me 8 million times, right?

[Adam Carolla]

If you believe that, right?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, so anyway, cross raking. I don't know. They give us rakes and they made us like rake the dirt in the cross hatch sort of thing. The fact that you are not aware of what it is makes me realize I know it's made up and stupid.

[Larry Miller]

I know what raking is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they called it cross raking as if this is an actual thing.

[Larry Miller]

They must have had some kind of meeting. They're like, listen, a canoe is going to set us back 1,200 bucks a unit. But a rake, that's nine bucks a unit. So we'll get the Jews to rake instead of canoe. They won't drown. We won't have to get life preservers.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be awesome.

[Larry Miller]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I told you my parents have a problem.

[Larry Miller]

You crash one of our camps.

[Adam Carolla]

I did.

[Larry Miller]

We go to space camp, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't. I didn't. No Tang and Vomit cometing for me. So, anyway, I have another excerpt from my book, what I Expect if I Were Expecting. Now, again, just a reminder, we were talking about pregnancy or recovery memoirs, and you said that the time to write one would be now, before you're pregnant or addicted. Because you have the free time.

[Larry Miller]

Tell my kids, when it comes time to write a book, write a. You know, pre. Pregnant. You know, before you're pregnant, before you're strung out and before you get molested.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

You know, book. Why wait till after you're molested to write a book? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because then you'll be all torn up inside and it'll be hard to get the words out. Out. So anyway, this is my book.

[Larry Miller]

Hold on. Where's my Gallardo? Go to hemings. Go to hemings.com. maybe we'll find one there. Gotta find one.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to Hemings. Sounds like something you yell at someone.

[Larry Miller]

Go to Hemings, you whippersnapper sponsor. Yeah. All right. Sorry. Go ahead. This is an excerpt from your excerpt.

[Adam Carolla]

From a chapter of what I'd Expect if I Were Expecting. It's my fake pregnancy memoir. And this chapter is called Mercury in Retrograde Parentheses. And also in sushi. Last night I was really looking forward to meeting the gals for some much needed gal time. That was before I knew they wanted to meet for sushi, though. Sushi. Oh, I could just see it. And what will the definitely very pregnant lady have? I'll have the spicy deformed baby roll with extra, extra cleft palate dipping sauce, please. I don't think so. What's next? A raw cheese course followed by formaldehyde shots and thalidomide chasers. But when you're super duper pregnant, if you have friends who are willing to be seen in public with frazzled you grab onto them and never let them go. Table for 6? More like table for 8 if you count my cankles. And seriously, why the weight gain? I mean, I know it's nature's way of keeping men away from you so you don't get pregnant when you're already pregnant and end up like my slutty friend Carol, who had triplets, one of whom is Asian, but couldn't you just give me frizzy hair instead? Oh, wait. Looks like you already did. Try master. More like try to do anything with this hair. Lol.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. You are way too good to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Larry Miller]

Brian is, you know, has found its water level here, but upcoming chapters. Upcoming chapters.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't piss on my leg and tell me my water broke. What's a mucus plug? And where's the outlet? And my ankles are too fat to kickbox with God.

[Larry Miller]

Wow. That is awesome. That is so talented.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Larry Miller]

You must have really stood out at that Christian camp with my cross raking now. I mean, your cross raking and your wordsmithing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think I talk to anyone. And I also was so miserable that I didn't go to the bathroom the whole time.

[Larry Miller]

Six of the worst days of my life. Just six days. All right, shall we? Now, I don't know if Dan Finnerty's ready to come in or not. And by the way, no one's going anywhere until I find my Gallardo for under $110,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I do. I have more news, but I also have special outros that people have sent. Sledgehammer ones that people have sent in, so.

[Larry Miller]

Oh. Oh, I see. Do you have a few? Do you want to do a few?

[Adam Carolla]

Have a few. Oh, I could just. I could just run through them.

[Larry Miller]

I kind of like that. You know, you pick your top five Sledgehammer outros that people sent in.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. The bungholes are open.

[Larry Miller]

All right. Yeah, I mean, you know, keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen, and I love a nutty finish.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the bungholes. Okay. Sorry, buddy. Sorry. You know, I had too much sledgehammer. I'm not thinking right. Sorry. Yeah, the bungholes.

[Adam Carolla]

Your mental bungholes are not open.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I know, I know. You know, I'm just used to hearing. I didn't know they were all Sledgehammer related. I thought they were sent from, you know, Sledgehammer fans like myself, but I didn't know they had to do with Sledgehammer. Now I'm on board. Here we go.

[Donnie]

That would be very slow, by the way, if you sent it in.

[Larry Miller]

Me with a buzz. Sending an email.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God, that's the news.

[Larry Miller]

Sludge Hyman Harmer. Sludge, Sledge. Swine. Dude. Delete, delete, delete. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Put a cork in it, yo.

[Larry Miller]

All right, that's good. If. Good.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen, and I'm hammered.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Good, good. And then these two were sent in using the Sledgehammer hashtag, but they're not actually Sledgehammer related. But that's the news. And I'm Allison Rosen. For me, no news is bad news.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. There's always room for jello hats.

[Gina Grad]

There's more news with Alison Rosen coming up.

[Larry Miller]

All right, we're gonna bring in Dan from the Dan Band in a second. I'm gonna go in the next room and throw a fucking fit. But if someone doesn't find me Gallardo for under $110,000.

[Adam Carolla]

You heard it, cunt Fox.

[Larry Miller]

You heard it, cunt fucks. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with Dan from the Dan Band. Next. Hi, I'm Larry Miller.

[Alison Rosen]

And this week on this Week with Larry Miller, we talk about hard pretzels, the largest drink in America, saying yes to people when you should. And our special Valentine's Day special where we don't actually remember to get to anything about Valentine's Day.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. We are back. Dan Finnerty's here from the Dan Band. We've found a Gallardo for $99,000. But it's an 04. But it looks exactly saying them change of body style. I'm going to call that a moral victory until we finally 1 and 08 for under 110. Maybe one that was pulled from a river. Dan Finnerty. The Dan Band. The Dan Band. Thing that's nice about the Dan Band is you don't have to know the Dan Band or be into the Dan Band to be into the Dan Band. Everyone out there was rocking out with Dan and it wasn't even a full fledged, you know, show. Show you're going to see when you see Dan in person and in concert because he's got Traveling Dan. It's Traveling Dan. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sampler.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, Sampler. Dan. Yeah. And picture.

[Dana Gould]

That's nice.

[Larry Miller]

First question for. For Dan is. And I guess you just get it all day long. Is. Is bachelor party or road trip or whatever? Was it Road Trip 2? Hangover. Hangover. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

He's wasted.

[Larry Miller]

Give him a break. Road trip. Bachelor. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

The nice guy who introduced us was like from the Wedding Crashers. No, not in it.

[Larry Miller]

Not that one.

[Dana Gould]

Only saw half of it, but it seemed funny.

[Adam Carolla]

You get credit for being in a lot of movies, though.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That must be nice.

[Dana Gould]

I know. Look, your eyes are hypnotic.

[Larry Miller]

Really?

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, they're nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Theresa says thanks.

[Dana Gould]

She's got.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, it's okay. What are we talking about? I'M still uncomfortable because you and Donnie just had a fight. And it felt like fourth grade with my parents.

[Larry Miller]

It wasn't. It wasn't a fight. It was just a familiar thing that Donnie and I go through each and every time I say something to him, and he goes, now he's drunk. And he goes, I got you. And then it doesn't happen. That's all. Hey, first of all, before I get into this, I want to point out that Allison writes things down. Donnie, I've been working the last two days to get this crazy Sledgehammer studio takeover that we had. The Dan Plant. Dan Bam. Playing live streaming. Two cameras. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No, no, no. Let me. I was just gonna say, what were you doing today? But he did the CNN Dr. Drew thing and something. I got up at 6. Radio. But look, I got up at 7 and took my daughter to school. Don't do that super Jewy thing where you weave your family into every third sentence. I have two kids, too, so you can't play that. Kids driving around a Miata and suck. My boy boyfriend's in a penthouse every night. I have two kids, too. She can never do that. Hey, I got kids. I got kids. I got kids. I got kids, too. You. And they're same age as your kids, so you can't do any of that. You don't. Special needs. Here's kids. I got kids. How much wiring has gone through this live show performance?

[Alison Rosen]

I'm drunk.

[Larry Miller]

All right. Mom, dad, it's been an accomplishment. Here's what I'm saying to you. Weezer drunk. It was. Here's. Here's what happened. The. There's this picture of me doing stand up that I can't stand. And we have another picture of me doing stand up, which I like. At some point, I got it swapped out at all the clubs and everywhere we go, and they put the posters up and everything, right? Except for here in my home. Hometown Buffet. Yeah, it's the shitty picture now. I don't know why. Donnie. No, it's not a shitty picture. This is where he's crazy. It's a very attractive. I want to show this. Don't you?

[Dana Gould]

Like about the picture?

[Larry Miller]

I look fat and weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we please see it?

[Larry Miller]

The other picture. The other picture. Put it up by dvr. Put a great. Come on. It's a. Oh, my God. He's hideous. No, and I can show you the other picture if you look in the hall of the website and go to live show. Yeah, you can see the other. You can see the other Picture, which I prefer. But anyway, it was, you know, again, at the home court, I said, diamond, swap that picture out for the one we're using everywhere else. And he said, can do. Gotcha, boss. Now, that's not the picture. But the point is. Okay, what's better? Wait, let's just take a vote in the room. This isn't the picture we're using.

[Dan Finnerty]

Seriously, you are an alcoholic.

[Larry Miller]

Picture we're using is the one that's from the House of Blues out on the. Out on the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you should really be the judge, the podcast listeners.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, we need a poll on this. No, here's the. Here's the point, Doc. The point is not that it wasn't done today. The point is that it would have never gotten done because it slipped through the cracks of your mind. Gordon Lightfoot should have written that song. The point is, you got to write stuff down. You don't write stuff down, okay? That's why I started this whole conversation with Alison. Writes stuff down on paper. I have an iPhone and a Macintosh laptop. Laptop computer and a desktop computer. I write all these things down on this computer. But if Adam doesn't see paper and pen, he's like, he's lost. Wait a second. You're not keeping track of everything, Donnie. First off, please don't make me. I could pull off a few scabs here. It's on the computer. It's on the computer. Then I go, all right, show it to me on the computer. It's like, well, that one's not on the computer. So there's a lot of that, number one. Number two, let me explain how. Let me explain my relationship with Don Dan. You enjoying yourself? I am.

[Dana Gould]

I mean, I almost said back to me, but I'm the one who brought.

[Adam Carolla]

It up, so I'm gonna change photo down for you.

[Larry Miller]

Let me explain my relationship with Donnie. At some point, I say, hey, Donnie, bring in that carpet cleaner you got that Bissell you got at home. Bring that thing in and let's clean. Not you. Not you, Donnie. Let me pay Gary, our houseboy. He's going to clean the carpet in here and clean the carpet in the office that you're in. Working, ironically, soiling on occasion, on a late night, night, he'll clean that carpet. He'll clean this carpet. But you got the carpet cleaner at your house, so bring it on in. And Donnie says, yeah, we'll do. And then a couple days later, I say, where's that carpet cleaner, Donnie? And he says, ah, it's at home. And I say, donnie, bring that thing in and let me get Gary to clean the carpet because it's a mess in here. And he says, yeah, we'll do. And then he doesn't bring it in. And then I say to him for a third time, hey, Donnie, seriously, now write it down, buddy, because I'm gonna forget about it and I'm gonna clean this carpet. And I'm tired of repeating myself. And he says, I don't need to write it down. And I say, I think you do need to write it down, Donnie. And he says, I don't need to write stuff down. I got a computer and I got one of these. And he points his brain, and then he says, will do. And then he leaves again. Then the next time he comes back, I say, donnie, where's the carpet cleaner? And he goes, I don't know. Wherever it's at home. I don't have it, I forgot it. And. And I go, donnie, and then I call. You walk in with many dog partners. No, no, no, you do not. Then I call him at home. Then I call him at home. And by the way, there could be five bringing that carpet cleaner over the course of about a six week period. And I can't let it go. You see, I can never let it go because I have to keep. I have to keep thinking about it because he's not writing it down. And if I forget about it, it'll go away forever. So I call him at home in the evening. I say, donnie, you live in 1800 square feet of house up in the hills. I say, donnie, go grab that thing and put it against the front door right now. Don't hang up the phone. Don't hang up the phone, because if you hang up the phone with me, it'll be gone. Walk over and grab it wherever it is. In the closet, downstairs, in the room.

[Patrick Warburton]

Get it.

[Dana Gould]

Or just.

[Larry Miller]

Just go get it and lean it against the front door. And then when you come in tomorrow morning, you'll have. You'll literally have to trip over it to get it. Yeah, okay, I got it. I said, go get it and lean it against the door. Okay. Hang up the phone. Next day. What's up? Where's the carpet cleaner? I don't know. It's at home. Donnie, why won't you bring the carpet cleaner? I don't know. Donnie, write it down. Would you write it down? I don't need to write it down. Then I go home and I yell at my assistant, I said, God damn it, if that was a mini bike park and Lynette and. Lynette and my wife. I said, listen. I said. I said, God damn it, if that was a goddamn mini bike part, he would not forget it. He would not forget it.

[Dana Gould]

Or Kathy's nipples.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. He wouldn't forget her nipples. Or the mini bike part.

[Dana Gould]

There's a bounty look.

[Larry Miller]

And then he's just, like, looking at.

[Dana Gould]

It, talking to some guy.

[Larry Miller]

Then me and Jay come walking in, my assistant, the following day, and there's a brand new mini bike part sitting right in the middle of the table, like, as if I called. Like, on display, like, lit, like it's at a museum. You know, just one single halogen line above, sitting there. And I just say, donnie, where'd this minibike part come from? And Donnie goes, brought it from home. And I said, wouldn't you bring it here? And he said, today. And I said, did you also happen to remember the carpet cleaner? And he says, no. And I say, donnie, Jesus goddamn Christ, how many times do I have to bring this up? And by the way, I'm not saying bring a fucking scrub brush and some TSP from home. I'm saying, just bring your carpet cleaner and I will pay a guy to clean the carpets where we work. How many fucking times you want me to bring this up and that not. He goes, you know what? You. I'll go home right now and I'll get it. You happy? And I go, donnie, it's the only way the carpet cleaner's gonna get here. And he goes, you know what? You. You. I'll go home right now. You. You see what it. You know what? I'm getting my car right now. I'm going home. Get your fucking car. Are you satisfied? Are you satisfied? You know how hard it is to peel out the Mini Cooper 45. He comes back 45 minutes later, he goes, are you fucking happy now? Here's your shitty goddamn carpet. You happy? And I go, yes, I am happy. And I asked 11 times over the course of a two season. This is why I'm a. Thank you, please. Name of the memoirs. Write that down. Second book, the Steam Cleaner, when Adam has asked for it, has been sitting at the front door. Okay? Maybe unconsciously, I don't know why he.

[Dana Gould]

Went out the back.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I got a Mini Cooper. You got to stuff a steam cleaner in a Mini Cooper. It's the size of a regular. I'm really a. Where'd you get the Mini Cooper? But I paid. I paid Blue book for the car, but it's got. It's got Brimbo brakes again. I gave him Jew book, which is mid blue book. All right, here's why I'm not that. It's at the front door. It took me, like, three rounds of. I got this carpet cleaner that's yelling at me, like, you know, bring the carpet cleaner. I'm like, thinking, oh, my God, I'm the only one with the carpet cleaner. He's got the same exact carpet cleaner. If he's so obsessed about it, why is he throwing his car and pay somebody else to, like, steam clean the carpet? I'm a fucking idiot. I should have said to him, like, hey, wait a second, you got the same steam cleaner. If you're so obsessed, bring the steam cleaner here and have Gary steam clean the carpet.

[Dana Gould]

Donnie, I feel like this is good for you.

[Larry Miller]

You too, drunken Donnie. Yes. Do you. Oh, I'm not stoned. Do you think I have that carpet cleaner sitting at my house? Oh, you have the identical Hoover steam cleaner model, right? And if you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you guys buy them together?

[Larry Miller]

I had it first. Do you think I have mine at my house? Well, who borrowed yours? Ray or Ray? Malibu. Oh, that's why the renters. The rent part of the lease. Do you think I would fucking ask you? Do you think I would spend six months of my life attempting to get you to bring your carpet cleaning device into my. Well, why not say to me, hey, you know what? My carpet cleaner's in Malibu. I said I did that. Can I bring yours in first? First off, Stonehenge. Do you? Not if you knew I had the exact same device. Don't you think that would have been the first thing out of your mouth? Well, why don't you bring yours in? You brought it up. I said, I don't have mine. It's in Malibu. Can you bring yours in? I'm gonna get out of here because we're being rude to lynch and to Dan.

[Dana Gould]

I don't care. I just love watching the Dynamics.

[Larry Miller]

But actually, Dan got exactly what he wanted. I do. How about the part where he yelled, you forget you. I'm going to my house and I'm getting your goddamn car. And by the way, to clean the carpets of the place that you spend 90% of your time. Clean this entire place.

[Dana Gould]

But it's half your semen on the rug, Right?

[Larry Miller]

Well, that's. That's a whole other story. Well, I shouldn't have given my assistant the keys. He showed up one day at work and. No, I bought the super computer to edit the Hammer. I didn't know could be used for you porn. Exactly. Anyway, I wish people could, at home.

[Dana Gould]

Could see your stance because you've got, like, a black swan point.

[Larry Miller]

I'm poised.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and at one point, your face turned more red than I've ever seen it.

[Larry Miller]

I think I got some Cherokee book. Well, Donnie drives me insane with his pointless points. Oh, I love the part where he gets indignant. You want your carpet cleaner? I'll get it. I'll go all. By the way, he lives 3.7 miles from here. So this whole thing, like, he's going. He's going to catch a flight to Arizona just so he can get my carpet cleaner. And my whole thing was, evidently, that will be the only way I can get my carpet cleaner here.

[Donnie]

The first thing he said was, allison writes things down.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I was unclear where that was going, but we have a game.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, no, we have a game. I write things down on a computer. I email myself stuff on my computer. Allison, what. What did we get you here at the show? Herpes? No, I'm married.

[Adam Carolla]

And an iPad. You guys got me an iPad so.

[Larry Miller]

She could write things down on your computer?

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I've been using it.

[Larry Miller]

You can send yourself 10,000 emails that say, bring the goddamn carpet cleaner, but if you don't read any of them, then it's moot. But anyway, look, we got a game to play. All right, I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry.

[Dana Gould]

Donnie, you're doing great.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll talk later about the fact that I am using this iPad. Donnie.

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not paying attention.

[Larry Miller]

Not for evil.

[Dana Gould]

Look at all the fingerprints, too. It's flu season on that thing.

[Larry Miller]

Donnie would be the world's greatest attorney, because people be shitting confused when he was done talking, that they would just adjourn forever.

[Donnie]

Case closed.

[Larry Miller]

Case closed. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. All right. We got a little. Patrick Warburton is here, by the way. And we also. We got a sponsored game as well.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Larry Miller]

And I feel like all Dan did was listen to me and Donnie argue about the.

[Dana Gould]

No, but I instigated it because I. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

And he said my eyes were hypnotic. Let's not forget that.

[Larry Miller]

They're beautiful.

[Dana Gould]

I didn't say that to Teresa.

[Larry Miller]

How are we going to play. Play this game?

[Dana Gould]

By the way, I never met Tracy.

[Donnie]

You tell me. I think we're doing someone out in the. In the yard. We're gonna. You know, we have a live crowd here, so.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, we do video them. When I was screaming Obscenity. Is my segment over into the mic?

[Dana Gould]

No, I mean, it never really started.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've had a great time, in all fairness. You were great. You were fantastic.

[Larry Miller]

I feel good about it. When you watch Dan do what Dan does, you just think, why didn't someone else think of this? And then it's really. It's like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in a really complimentary way.

[Larry Miller]

No, I mean. I mean, it's like a simple invention where you go. I don't know, it's like a spatula or something where you go, jesus Christ. Someone should have thought of this. But you know, they didn't. He did. How did you say that?

[Dana Gould]

I was drunk. Much like Donnie. Yeah. I was drunk at the karaoke. Back when karaoke was cool for. It wasn't ever cool.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I lost in your eyes again these old things.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Did you see any of the show, or did you just. Because I heard you. When Adam said, hey, the Dan band. And I heard fake Teresa say it was fun.

[Larry Miller]

Teresa, Teresa. Right, right.

[Dana Gould]

No, I heard her say it was fun.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah. That doesn't sound. Yeah, that's like. That's like when I do comedy and someone says, it was cute.

[Donnie]

It was great show, a lot of fun.

[Larry Miller]

Your skit was cute.

[Dana Gould]

It was cute.

[Larry Miller]

It was cute.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw.

[Dana Gould]

Okay, what'd you see?

[Adam Carolla]

I saw you pour water on yourself.

[Larry Miller]

That was hot.

[Dana Gould]

That's the end of the show. You saw the last song.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I saw it on the monitor. I was not out there.

[Larry Miller]

She was prepping with her Iditarod.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because Adam's like, find out all this stuff about the Iditarod.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to do that.

[Larry Miller]

And get your carpet cleaner. Somebody's out there, Dan. So Hangover two in the can, potentially.

[Dana Gould]

It's not. I'm not in that shit.

[Larry Miller]

You're not in it?

[Dana Gould]

No.

[Larry Miller]

What? Why wouldn't they have a Dan literally.

[Dana Gould]

Was what I was in Todd Phillips front yard stalking that. Just, like, waiting. Like, waiting for my script. Like, what are we gonna do? What song are we doing now?

[Larry Miller]

Todd Phillips. And why wouldn't you?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna get rejected. Because I certainly would.

[Dana Gould]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just being honest.

[Larry Miller]

No, first just putting it out there. No, first off, it's bad luck. It's like Pixar puts all the John Ratzenberger stuff, and they always give him a part in their thing. It's a tradition. It's just good luck. It's like Hitchcock walking through one of his movies or something. You have that much success with the first hangover you end with the Dan ban again. It's just you're jinxing. You're risking jinxing yourself.

[Dana Gould]

You know what, though? It's like, I cannot bitch about Todd Phillips.

[Larry Miller]

There's literally.

[Dana Gould]

I have a statue of Todd Phillips in my house that I fucking pray to every day. So, yeah, I can't complain. And no. Come on. He's done great.

[Larry Miller]

All right. Should we.

[Dana Gould]

He's done enough for me.

[Larry Miller]

Do we have. Do we have a Know your sh. Thing?

[Donnie]

Yeah, we have an intro.

[Larry Miller]

All right.

[Gina Grad]

Sledgehammer Wine presents Know your sh. The game where you have to know all the obscure crap Adam knows. Get it on.

[Larry Miller]

I just had this weird thing where I was futzing around with my wedding band, and I got this weird speed bump knuckle that prevents me from pulling my wedding ring off because it's broken from boxing. But I just. Donnie got me so flustered that I actually had the strength to pull it over. Over my weird knuckle.

[Dana Gould]

Jesus, that knuckle's crazy.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, and when I pulled it off, it popped off my knuckle and it rolled somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know where it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you hear that, ladies?

[Dan Finnerty]

Yep.

[Patrick Warburton]

Sorry.

[Larry Miller]

Lynette, what are you gonna do, sweetie? All right, shall we?

[Dana Gould]

She's psyched about that buck bump on your knuckle.

[Larry Miller]

That's my love bump. Yeah. Do we. Do we have someone out in the parking lot who wants to play along with us? I got my questions here. Yeah, there they are. Oh. Oh, we got your man.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, it's Bert.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, Bert. Yeah. Yeah, Bert was. And by the way, his name's John Burton, but they call him Bert. But Dan was screwing with him throughout the show. All right, all right, Bert, you're right. In the age demo, you get two out of these three, right? And you're gonna win yourself some more free wine. You're drinking free wine already? Oh, you're gonna get to see me at the Will Turn theater. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tickets.

[Larry Miller]

You thought Dan was annoying. Wait till you see me do a live show. I'm looking forward to it. Will Turn theater, that is cleverly named because it's on the corner of Wilshire and Western, and I'll be there May 21. And you're also going to get a autograph of my new paperback, which has a thank everyone for. By the way, the audio still now top 15 on iTunes. And mushers around the world give it one whip up. All right, you ready? I guess so.

[Dana Gould]

I can't believe the Will Turn thing. That's so Great. I never knew that.

[Larry Miller]

Anyway, it seems awesome until I show up and there's nine people in the audience. In 1965, a number one song, this diamond ring, was sung by the son of a famous comedian, Jerry Lewis. Oh, look at you. You know your shit, don't you?

[Dan Finnerty]

Cocky.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I was just lucky. I was saying to Mike Lynch, I said, gary Lewis and the Playboys. I think that's Jerry Lewis's kid. And sure enough. I'll bet the old man never even gave him a. That apologize, boy, for not having a number one song. Like.

[Dana Gould]

No, but he showed him.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, there's a lot of, like, you know, what I would have done, or if me and Dean were doing this. Or here's. You'd be miserable with Jerry as your dad, wouldn't you?

[Dana Gould]

It'd be awful.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it'd be horrible.

[Dana Gould]

With Jerry Lewis the comedian or the Lee Lewis who had sex with his kids?

[Larry Miller]

He'd be either way. Either way. Either way. Yeah. All right, are you ready?

[Dan Finnerty]

Okay.

[Larry Miller]

Another musical one. Who had the hit song in 1971 called when you're hot, you're hot.

[Alison Rosen]

Nancy Sinatra.

[Larry Miller]

Why that? No, that is. Take your shirt off, Bert. Sorry, Bert. We're gonna need to see some Mariola for that one. When you're hot, you're hot. When you're not, you're not. That was. Who was that? Yeah, you know it. Yeah. It was a black dude, wasn't it? Sure. Black dude who drove a truck and was white. One of them black. If that's kind of like dude you're talking about, then you're spot on, buddy. And by the way, you're showing a picture of this dude, and it just doesn't look like him. It looks like Burt. Yeah. Am I supposed to look here? No, no, that's all right. You're over. That was Jerry Reed. Jerry Reed. The great Jerry Reed from the Dukes of Hazzard, from the Eastbound and down fame.

[Donnie]

Wasn't there at Smoking the Band.

[Larry Miller]

Smoking the Bandit. All right.

[Dana Gould]

He also had a guest star on Dukes of Hazard. Google it.

[Larry Miller]

All right, all right, Bert, here we go. What was the name of the bar in the movie Roadhouse? No help from the audience, especially Stovepiper. I have no idea. Abe Lincoln hung out there. That's where he tilted his shot glass.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's a gay bar.

[Larry Miller]

All right, I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you a couple clues, all right? Okay. What would it be called if the Olsen twins both made a Number two at the same time. Awesome. I'm thinking the double deuce. So good. He's so good, Bert.

[Dana Gould]

That's my Bert.

[Larry Miller]

You know, a lot of guys. A lot. A lot of guys wouldn't have. Wouldn't have. Wouldn't have gotten that right. Especially with that tip. But they did not have other guys screaming the right answer into their ear. So, Bert, you're going to walk away with Will Turn tickets. I'm sure we'll see those on ebay momentarily. Thank you very much. Thanks, Bert. Will turn theater May 21 we have an outro, do we not?

[Patrick Warburton]

Oh.

[Gina Grad]

Thanks for playing. Know your sh. Presented by Sledgehammer1.

[Larry Miller]

All right, shall we? We're gonna take a break. We'll bring in Patrick Warburton. Dan's not going anywhere. Dan's gotta hang out. He's my good luck charm. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Same.

[Larry Miller]

I gotta climb under the sofa and find my wedding ring, because you can have mine just like. Just like Gary and the Playboys. Gary Lewis, the playboy. Sung about. It doesn't shine for me anymore. It's somewhere underneath this sofa, so I'm gonna find it. All right, quick break. Right back with the great Patrick Warburton. You can see that the sperm has penetrated the oak.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, he had his marching orders.

[Adam Carolla]

We did it, Jeff.

[Larry Miller]

He made his eye go.

[Bald Bryan]

I create life.

[Patrick Warburton]

Like a God.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it was a team effort.

[Bald Bryan]

All right. Good job.

[Larry Miller]

Done. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Brenda, come look.

[Larry Miller]

Okay. Excuse me. I'm who they're putting it in, so. Aw, Jeff, it looks just like you. You know? Blob of cells that hasn't developed a brain yet.

[Bald Bryan]

World full of surrogates. And we get lesbian Dawn Wrinkles from Rules of Engagement.

[Gina Grad]

Patrick Warburton on the Adam Carolla show.

[Larry Miller]

Patrick has joined us. Dan Finnerty is hanging out. Dan. I forgot. I'm so busy yelling at Donnie, I forgot to give him a plug. By the way, the danband.com is where you can go. You can find out all the engagements. Yeah, see Rules of Engagements at the Music box Theater in LA. March 18 Washington D.C. friday, April 29 Boston Wilbur Theatre Saturday, April 30 and just a good time, just straight out, whether you've seen him or not, whether you care or not, whether you know or not, just a fun time, a fun night out. You cannot miss. Bolt. Bryan, back me up. You can't miss with the Dan band. No.

[Donnie]

And in fact, they played my fundraiser a year ago and I told people and it ended up being true. The less you know about them going.

[Larry Miller]

In, it's Actually better because you go.

[Donnie]

In and you're like, oh, there's a music act and then the twist and it's all hilarious after that, right?

[Larry Miller]

I guarantee it. And the more you know Patrick Warburton, the better. That's what I would say about him.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, Patrick, the Dan band was awesome. I love the Dan band. I just grabbed him outside. He worked up a good sweat and left it right here, right on the cushion.

[Larry Miller]

Rules of engagement entering, I would say sixth season, fifth season. Damn it. What'd I say? Five or six?

[Bald Bryan]

And I know that clip that you showed just look like it could have been any other sitcom.

[Larry Miller]

No way. No way. Patrick Warburton. Hey. Hello, Patrick. I feel like you're probably one of these guys that just could have done anything at any time. You seem bursting at the seams, not only in your boxer briefs, but in. In confidence. We always. You always feel good about yourself. I don't mean in an ass kissy kind of way, but I just mean, you know, I don't feel like you sit around doubting yourself a lot.

[Dana Gould]

I can't believe you didn't ask me that question. Go on.

[Bald Bryan]

No, listen, everybody who's an actor is fucked up. We all have horrible insecurities and that's why we went into the entertainment industry.

[Larry Miller]

Really?

[Bald Bryan]

I found this for you.

[Larry Miller]

There you go. Oh, my diamond ring. Oh, it's so nice. Oh, this is Patrick. Huge. Oh, wait a minute. I got to take this off my weird knuckle. Oh, you found it. Yours? Yeah, I found mine, but thanks. I'm going to try to pull my thing off and see how yours fits because I may need a new one. Yeah, you know, it's good I say this, not, you know, I don't want to. Oh, that's nice. I don't want to. I don't want to help people cheat, but I don't want to help people cheat. But I will say, wipe my knuckle cooties off his ring. I will say this, if you don't have an activity that involves you taking your ring off periodically, then if you ever tell your wife, I lost my wedding ring and the story was something other than somebody cutting it off you, you're fucked. So if you're a guy and you like going to a strip club every once in a while and you don't feel like being weighted down, you know, maybe you don't want to have the conversation about the ring and all that kind of stuff. You want to take it off. Also have some sport. Archery, boxing, high lie. Something that Involves you taking the ring off periodically. Because then you can say to your wife, when I was at my archery class a week ago, I took the thing off, I threw it in my duffel bag and I haven't been able to find it since.

[Dana Gould]

You were covered Herpy knuckle doctor.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, the herpe knuckle doctor. Yeah, I had to take it off and let my herpe knuckle bring it off.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like in a cartoon when someone gets hit and it instantly up. That's what your knuckle looks like.

[Dana Gould]

Flintstone head.

[Larry Miller]

I know, it looks like a teat. Yeah, it's old boxing injury. So Patrick, and by the way, Patrick has a charity that is near and dear to his heart. The St. Jude's Children's Hospital, which is nice. And there's a charity golf tournament that is benefiting St. Jude's Jude's Children's Hospital, which is coming up. And when is that?

[Bald Bryan]

No, we actually just had it and it was a last weekend. You can still send donations to send to the charity which is. You just go to www.facebook.com warburtongolf but it's a children's research hospital and their efforts international one because they research and create cures and therapies for catastrophic disease that's all around the world.

[Larry Miller]

I'm all for saving the kids around the world, but I gotta tell you, every once in a while when I'm flipping through one of my magazines and I see the pictures of the kids who got the teeth grown out of their eyeballs and their upper lip is over the top of their forehead, I think, hey man, you're freaking my shit out.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I didn't want to see that.

[Larry Miller]

I get it, I get it. The kid has a mouth like predator. And I feel bad for the kid. But you know what? I me throwing up into my beanie is not gonna help this process at all.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, I don't know how to respond to that.

[Larry Miller]

I also, I want, you know what I want? I want a heads up page just like I wanted at the porn shop. Before I get into the gay section. I want that cone out there that says you're straying in international waters here. Have you ever done that like walk? You wanted to walk out? You're like, it was an accident.

[Bald Bryan]

It was an accident.

[Larry Miller]

Accident. I've had that thing where you're walking laterally back in the day and you're like, yeah, what do we got here? Oh, we got three sums. Oh, big top. Oh, white on black. Oh, we got a Little chocolate, chocolate love over here. And then that part you strain to the gay sex and more. But the problem is, is you're like those two dudes are giving it to that one chick hard. Oh, God damn. Yeah, you got that. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's got to be barrel to throw up into right, right here. And I know, I'm just saying they should put. Fellas, let's label the aisles here. Clearly labeled. And all I want is like a bright orange sheet of paper before I get to the kids that have the teeth pulling out of their nostrils that say, look, you're gonna see some funky ass shit here. And if you're eating on an airplane, you'll notice. Skip ahead a couple pages. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Because look, I got muscles because I was eyeballing, you know, double decker cat stroller on. On the. The air shop, whatever that thing is. Sky Mall. Thank you. The SkyMall. But I would give some of that money to the hair lip kids. Yes, I would. But now I'm freaked out by the pictures, you know.

[Patrick Warburton]

Oh, I see.

[Bald Bryan]

So now you don't. Now you're not gonna give.

[Larry Miller]

Do you think the terrorists just stare.

[Adam Carolla]

At the SkyMall, squeaked the money right back into his wallet?

[Bald Bryan]

I think that the sky malls actually distract the terrorists.

[Larry Miller]

But don't you think the terrorists are just back in their caves going, they have hopscotch for the swimming pool. This is insane. This is. Americans have a submarine for the swimming pool. We have no water for our children. Like, you know, we have 80 things involving a swimming pool. And they don't even have a swimming pool.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where you could play. You know how you want Adam Carolla to replace Marco Polo?

[Larry Miller]

I'd be. No, yeah, right, right.

[Dana Gould]

I want that blow up thing you put on the dinner tray on your airplane. Have you seen that? Who would actually have the balls to do that? The thing where you.

[Larry Miller]

So you can go to sleep. You inflate it though. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

You bring it from in your carry on, you inflate it and then you collapse on it like you just had a stroke.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. We're always trying to figure out ways to be more comfortable in the airplane and.

[Bald Bryan]

No, but those things do look great. The big kind of thing where the.

[Patrick Warburton]

Guy looks like he just let him.

[Larry Miller]

Had a heart attack.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but like so stupid. But it might be very.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's like he's cuddling with Dumby.

[Larry Miller]

It's only. That's the guy too. You cannot really, you cannot. You can't slip into a Deep rim without either slobbering or snoring or getting a boner. Like something's gonna happen. Wait a minute.

[Bald Bryan]

So that's what happens. You get that boner.

[Larry Miller]

I'm just saying, do you really want to go out in front of three, 300 strangers? Like, if you really just examine the concept of I'm gonna pass out in front of 300 strangers. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have the boner problem.

[Larry Miller]

I wouldn't mind, but I could get raped. Someone could take these honey roasted nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

From me to wake you up, and you could be on the plane forever.

[Larry Miller]

I could wake up in Detroit. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Accidentally go down on yourself.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. Well, not with that device there. See, Patrick, you're too big for coach.

[Bald Bryan]

It's a little tight.

[Larry Miller]

It is tight. See, that's the thing, you know, we always look at the short guys and everyone sort of shakes their head. Or even the short people. But the reality is, if you're 5 5, everything is first class.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

You win. You win. Even cars. Like, I got into my. I'm only 6 2, and I got into my assistant's Nissan truck the other day, and I just put the seat back as far as it would go. It didn't go back far enough. Like, there's a cutoff. That cutoff is about 6 foot, and that's what everything is set up for. And Patrick, if you got to fly coach or, God forbid, one of those commuter jets, I'm pretty fucked.

[Bald Bryan]

But I have a family of six, too, so when we head out, we fly coach.

[Larry Miller]

You do?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, absolutely. I gotta save money. I got four kids put to junior college.

[Larry Miller]

But you don't do. You don't do that thing where you go, daddy will be up front because Daddy's got a bad back.

[Bald Bryan]

I have done that.

[Larry Miller]

I like that about you. I like that movie.

[Bald Bryan]

She loves that.

[Larry Miller]

Start playing. The back thing. Yeah, the great. The back thing's great. Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

[Bald Bryan]

She's back there nursing the kids, which is weird because the youngest one's 10.

[Larry Miller]

But Bill. Bill Simmons flew, Was the greatest thing in the world. He had his wife. Oh. He gets mad at me that I'm gonna talk about him. He flew first class with me when his wife was in coach, or maybe at least business, because his back was bad. But I thought, you know, it's a great. It's the Epstein Bar for travelers. Like, it's an invisible thing that no one could ever question you about. All right, let's see. Patrick. Yeah. Your partner on your partner. In crime, on rules of engagement. Who the hell was I thinking about?

[Bald Bryan]

The lovely Megan Price.

[Larry Miller]

Megan Price. Yes. That's love that Megan Price. And Megan Price and I had a nice bonding experience when we were doing our celebrity Toyota Grand Prix that Patrick and I did as well last year. Must have been right about a year ago, right? Patrick beat me by two hundredths of a second. I. I don't know what it was.

[Bald Bryan]

Right after I spirited you on the chrome. Well, you tried to kill me.

[Larry Miller]

It was a crazy chaotic race.

[Bald Bryan]

They said it was the. They said there was more destruction on that track in 35 years.

[Larry Miller]

That race, it was literally car niche. It was insane. Cars burning to the ground, people going at it left and right. I mean, it was insane. And they just kept going. And my car was. Everyone's car was sort of destroyed by the end. It was like a couple of heavyweights that just beat the shit out of each other. But what I didn't realize is somebody had dropped transmission fluid or oil or something all over the track and cars wouldn't steer anymore. And Patrick was right behind me and I was trying to hold him off with my steering wheel facing about 9 o'clock and he got by me at the end. And I think you literally beat me by less than a tenth of a second.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it was that last hairpin turn.

[Larry Miller]

I came.

[Bald Bryan]

I just speared it right in front of you.

[Larry Miller]

Yes, came around.

[Bald Bryan]

It was a dick move.

[Larry Miller]

It was total douchebag.

[Bald Bryan]

And you didn't have it coming.

[Larry Miller]

I didn't cut you off. I saw where you were. But Megan, who I got to know, who seems like a delight, says she's got a horrible neighbor. And I have a horrible neighbor as well. And I've had horrible neighbors. And then as I talk to people, I realize a lot of people have horrible neighbors. And then I start thinking to myself, maybe there's. There's more dicks out there than I formerly anticipated. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Dana Gould]

Maybe you're the horrible neighbor. Is someone telling your shit?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I always, when I always felt like I would win the I've got a worse neighbor story than you and my eyesight's worse than you. I always win that. Unless you're Stevie Wonder. I beat you in the eyesight, right?

[Larry Miller]

But you have beautiful blue eyes. They're great. From this, this way, by the way, Patrick's time was 27 minutes. Minutes 44 seconds.142. And mine was 27 minutes 44 seconds 0.22. So is that.

[Adam Carolla]

But Brian Austin green Is that less.

[Larry Miller]

Than a tenth of a second? Well, first. Don't get me started.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, you clinging.

[Donnie]

You both beat Keanu.

[Larry Miller]

It's over. Yeah, I was ahead of that. Some bitch for a long time. And then all. All hell broke loose, but. And Adrian Brody. Get him the hell off there. He did all that during all that? During a red flag or black flag? He passed Everdoff.

[Bald Bryan]

It's a caution flag.

[Larry Miller]

Caution flag, yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Before he went out, I said, does everybody know about the caution flag? And they said, everybody knows about the caution flag.

[Larry Miller]

Really? Okay. And then Adrian sped past everyone during the caution flag. It was one of these things where.

[Adam Carolla]

What's a caution flag?

[Larry Miller]

They do a thing where if there's too much carnage out on the track, they'll just wave a flag. And when they wave this one flag, they go, no passing during this flag because everyone slows down because there's a car that's literally was on fire at this point out on the track.

[Adam Carolla]

And Adrian saw his opportunity, and everyone.

[Larry Miller]

Slowed down, and Adrian pulled the right and past five cars and then tucked back in. And then everyone. Everyone was like, wait, what the. Then at the. In the end of the race, he was like, yeah, well, whatever. And that was. That was the end of that.

[Donnie]

He stole it on. You're still talking about Lewis, and they stole the race from you.

[Larry Miller]

This is. Oh, we can go back here for a second. Is that footage of my. Is that. Is that Zach's car or my car? I'm trying to.

[Gina Grad]

Zach's car.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, that's. Oh, is that me hitting Zach? Oh, here. Oh, here comes Adrien Brody. You'll see him on the right.

[Dana Gould]

What are you in a Prius?

[Larry Miller]

Everyone's slowing down. We're in Scions. And you'll see people's hands coming up and hands. There goes Brody past everyone's car.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like, pole position, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

It is weird when he's mad.

[Dana Gould]

That's a tone of voice with the.

[Larry Miller]

Fingers you give the. What the fuck? Hand when you're alone. If you go back to the front of this, it's probably me pounding Zach's car at the very beginning of this. That you'll see. If you just want to see how these races work, I believe that'll be me behind the Zach mobile right there. Sorry. Yeah, there's a lot of contact between the couple.

[Bald Bryan]

How much fun is that, though?

[Larry Miller]

The most fun ever.

[Donnie]

Are these cars souped up in any way, or are they just street cars?

[Larry Miller]

Cars, they're about 95 horses they have.

[Donnie]

Are the ones for this are the ones for the races.

[Larry Miller]

You know, they put, they put an exhaust system on them and maybe like a chip and a bunch of safety shit and then like some suspension stuff. Maybe a little brace for the, for.

[Donnie]

The helmet and all that stuff.

[Larry Miller]

No, they don't have the HANS device, by the way. They've not caught up to the head and neck restraint control system or whatever it is. Yeah, that's what happened to the intimidator. They do a little bit to them. They sound cool and there's a supercharger on them and they kind of go okay, but they're front wheel drive, which is kind of the pain in the ass. But you'll never get a chance to kick the shit out of your own car. It's a weird feeling. It's sort of weird because here you are driving a car and then you're like, hey man, that's Keanu Reeves next to me. And next thing you know it's like I'm gonna run him into the wall. And next thing you know, you're mashing like you've. Everyone's been in a car accident, but not one that lasted for a half an hour. Like we're literally feeling contact and guys banging into you.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know, does it even occur.

[Larry Miller]

To you like who's out there?

[Bald Bryan]

Because I find that when you're racing you just, you're so. You get so tunnel vision. You just.

[Dana Gould]

I don't know. I've heard him mention the Keanu Reeves.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I don't think that way. I just, you know the guys that are fast and when you see the guys that are fast in your rear view mirror, you know they're immediately going to be upon you.

[Bald Bryan]

And then you start driving in your rear view and then you fuck up, right?

[Larry Miller]

And you know the guys that are nuts and aggressive and ass wipes and those guys are going to. When you see those guys in your rear view, you know you're gonna get hit. But anyway, how fast do those cars go?

[Bald Bryan]

120 is the fastest.

[Larry Miller]

Down the front, straight down the shoreline? Yeah, about 120. So. So Megan gave me a nice compliment, which is she has an ass white neighbor. And I said, by the way, nobody does the I agree grunt better than Patrick Warburton, by the way. Give me that one more time. Megan hasn't asked why neighbor.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

I know all about him. She's told me this guy's like raping their chickens and shit like that.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, I hate that.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but, but by the way, you know, she can't say no to the eggs, so. Chickens lay eggs, so she was like, I'm gonna. You know.

[Bald Bryan]

She's super hot now too, by the way. She's always been a beautiful woman.

[Dana Gould]

What do you mean now?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, because she's been doing this triathlon.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, really?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, she's just, like, super mean.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Mean and lean and mean. So always gorgeous.

[Bald Bryan]

But now she's.

[Larry Miller]

She told me that.

[Bald Bryan]

Was I clear on that?

[Larry Miller]

No, but if you want to do another one, like, I'll do that. Megan's really hot. And you can give the. Yeah, Megan's super hot now.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Okay. No, no, don't go up an octave.

[Dana Gould]

I wanted people to think it was him.

[Larry Miller]

Like, go down, down. Yeah, yeah. She's totally fuckable now. She's a lovely lady. She's a lovely lady. I'm not gonna say it. She has trouble with her neighbor and she was explaining to me that she was thinking about, like, throwing a rock through his window or, you know, riding F U and fertilizer on his front lawn or something like that. I said, megan, you have to really. At the end of the day, you have to really think about this. Does it make you money or does it make you happy? And if you can't. If you can't check one or two of those boxes of two of those boxes, then you just walk away.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, that's not gonna make you happy.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I said, look at that. I'm above it all. Once in a while. I said, once in a while, punching someone in the face will make you happy, or telling someone to fuck off will make you happy.

[Dana Gould]

But it could cost you money.

[Larry Miller]

But it could cost you money and so on. So. So does it make you money? Does it make you happy? And then I saw her the next day, we're at the track, and she said, you know what? I was about. About to go off on this guy and like, ag his house with this, you know, chickens. He'd been raping. And she said, you know, your words rang true in my. In my head. And I did not. And I went back in and I drank some red wine and I was happy. What kind of red wine? Sledgehammer. Yeah. All right. And David Spade. How's he doing? Still fucking 19 year olds or what's he. What's going on with him?

[Adam Carolla]

More chicken.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, that's not a laugh laugh, that's a knowing laugh.

[Bald Bryan]

Davey's a good guy. You know, he postponed dates in Vegas to perform at the charity event this weekend, which is cool, you Know by.

[Larry Miller]

Dates, meaning fucking more strange 19 year olds. Yeah, right.

[Bald Bryan]

He does very well for himself.

[Larry Miller]

He does, yeah. It's great because he's diminutive and it's like he's 47 years old, but he's, you know, he's built like a hood ornament. So he can still get down with the 19 year olds. Patrick can't, you know, you'd crush a young gal. You know, he's just too much, man.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I would, but it'd be fun.

[Larry Miller]

Trying, though, would be nice. All right, Allison, do you have. You have the rest of the news, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I sure do.

[Dana Gould]

Fire up the iPad.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

The rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Larry Miller]

I hear she's got a notepad that she writes stuff down on.

[Donnie]

Allison writes stuff down.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I know. So. A St. Louis High School science teacher, Tara Myers, was put on administrative leave this week after a student inquired about pornographic films Myers starred in during the 1990s.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, how amazing would that be if you were.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's a science teacher. It just makes sense. But school officials didn't think so. They didn't know about her past, which included a suspension five years ago from a paddle Duca Kentucky school for her role in the adult films. Now, while she was teaching in Kentucky, she taught under a different name, Terrica Dye, and her porn name is Ricky Anderson. In 2006, she was actually on Dr. Phil, arguing she deserved to get her job back and that she had made the biggest mistake of her life. Quote, anybody who has been in my classroom could tell you how much I love teaching and how much I love these students, and that should be what matters more than anything in my past.

[Larry Miller]

I mean, here's the thing. On one, you have. You have kids, right? As you've spoken of a lot of kids. Not many. Four kids. My thing is like, yeah, the past is the past. Let her teach. On the other hand, this would be a wild distraction for every kid in her class. Right. It'd be the most awesome thing on the planet.

[Bald Bryan]

She loves teaching, though. She loves signing and she loves anal. And I think that that's.

[Larry Miller]

Those are two passions. Yeah. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Because the adult films were not illegal, her pornographic past didn't show up during a background check.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's a name euphemism. Background check.

[Adam Carolla]

We're surprised, very surprised that a school official. At the same time, we feel for her and her family. We do believe she's tried to move on with her life. Unfortunately, even though it happened 15 years ago, the video is still there. Now, see, my shop teacher, Mr. Ellich, had been on the Dating Game and I found that distracting because he won a lifetime supply of shampoo or something.

[Larry Miller]

Zebra.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just like, how does that even work? Yeah, but they let him continue to teach.

[Larry Miller]

I understand. Yeah, it doesn't seem fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, so a Michigan dentist who bragged his net worth was between 3 million and $4 million was arrested in Florida after he allegedly stole a college student's lost credit card and used it to buy two pizzas. Harun Majid, a military veteran and college student, dropped his credit card in a parking lot in Davenport, about 40 miles southwest of Orlando. He soon realized the card was missing and called his credit card company to cancel it.

[Larry Miller]

Hooray. Harun Majeed is the ex military guy's name. The kid, what do you bet his black drill sergeant just called him, you know, Mr. H or something? Like, there's no way, you know, there's about four. Yeah. Hey, Hair Lou. Hey, Face. Hey, Loom. Yeah. Hey, Fruit loom. Yeah, but it couldn't be Hairloom machine. I mean, that's a mouth. Fruit Loops. Yeah, Fruit Loops. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When a company represents representative told Froot Loops that someone had used the car to make a purchase at Mia Pizza Pasta Kitchen in the same shopping center where he dropped the card, Majeed or Froot Loops called police. Then sheriffs went to the restaurant and found Richard Lewis Ludwig waiting for two large pies with extra olives. That's what you do if you're using someone else's card. Extra olives.

[Larry Miller]

He sung this diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore. Dick Lewis. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, the credit card company calls you with suspicious activity. You bought two medium pizzas. I feel like your phone would never stop ringing. And I'll tell you, like I.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy called and said his card was missing. And so then they.

[Larry Miller]

I'd be like this, like if somebody said, hey, somebody, somebody took your credit card, I'd be like, what are they buying? And if they're like two large pizzas with pizza pizzas, I'd be like, what was on those pizzas? Olives. Okay, let him have it for a couple more days and we'll see how this goes.

[Bald Bryan]

He's not abused it.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, they're buying tickets, you know, for like the Dan Band. Yeah, they're buying Dan Ban tickets. Justifiable. Or they got the right car. Or like I said, they got the right pizza topping. You know, I'm cool. If they got a thick crust and they put like Clams on it. Then we got an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to refrain from talking about an episode of Friends which explored this very thing.

[Larry Miller]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's all I need. So anyway, Monica's card is missing. And then she traces it and finds out that it's being used to do all this stuff that she herself would never do. Like, you know, go to museums and take dance classes and all this. I'm. I'm making that up. But all this stuff. And then she decides that she wants to befriend this person who's like living this fun life that she could never live. Live.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's, that's the episode. It was good though.

[Larry Miller]

It's heavy, man.

[Adam Carolla]

It's totally blew my mind.

[Larry Miller]

Lesson learned.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So anyway, though the dentist claimed that he only had $250 in cash on him at the time. And when the deputies asked him if he was facing financial problems, he laughed and said absolutely not. And then told the deputies his net worth was between 3 million and 4 million.

[Larry Miller]

Couldn't. But if you only had $250 cash.

[Adam Carolla]

At the time, you could still buy the pizzas. They were $40.64.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's pretty expensive pizza. Geez. What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the olives. Olives don't grow on trees, even though they do. So here's the thing though. I've heard you, Adam, say that you think that most people deep down are actually good.

[Larry Miller]

I have said that I conducted an experiment where I took my wallet and my wallet had a phone number in it that said, if found, please call this number. And I took my credit cards and ID out of it, but I put cash in it. Just cash. The only thing that was in the wallet was cash and a number that said, if found, call this number. And we threw it all over town, did we not, Bald Brian? We threw it in good parts of town, bad parts of town. How much money dropped on the sidewalk? I think there's a hundred bucks, a.

[Donnie]

Few 20s in there.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, there's 100 bucks worth. 20's in there and 10 for 10. Everyone called back.

[Bald Bryan]

I think everybody was smart enough to read into it. Here's a wallet that just has cash in it and it has this card that says if found. And they thought they were going to get a big reward or they're going to be on a TV show or.

[Larry Miller]

Something, or it's got exploding dye pack or something in it. Yeah, here's the answer. And you have to sort of explain this to people all the time. I explain to people how cops work. And you have to explain how criminals work too, which is criminals don't go, hey man, let's go out staring at the sidewalk, seeing if we can find a wallet. They go, let's go rob a liquor store or mug an old woman. So whoever finds your wallet is not going to be a criminal. Nine times out of 10, it's the same with cops. You can run all the red lights you want, just look in your rear view mirror. They're not coming after. They're not there. They wait at the bottom of Hill Hills because they're chicken shit pussies and they let you coast past 35 miles an hour and then they bust you. Go ahead, Patrick.

[Bald Bryan]

Just cash. That's right. You and your wife still use condoms?

[Larry Miller]

I keep eight in there when I travel. That's all. I'm very careful about my. Wow.

[Bald Bryan]

Hello. I guess things are vibrant, going well.

[Larry Miller]

You see the black car down there? Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

It's got some white to his heaven.

[Larry Miller]

It's got some half splits.

[Bald Bryan]

You could kill somebody.

[Larry Miller]

I throw that thing like one of James one of henchmen.

[Dana Gould]

It's substantial.

[Larry Miller]

Let me, let me taste it down.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, can you put half on this and half. Another thing, People look at you like you're kind of an asshole.

[Dana Gould]

Get your pizza.

[Larry Miller]

I. I'll tell you, it works great at the Home Depot in Glendale because the chick behind the counter. So I was like, I never seen one of these ones. Is it worth as much? Much as the silver one? Yeah, it is. Yeah, we got. I got a long time ago. But, you know, here's, here's the thing that's shitty about this Centurion card. This black American Express card. When you buy it, you get like a butler comes to your house and brings you like a leather bound book with all sorts of pictures of things you can do. And you have your own concierge service and blah, blah, blah. And then also, let me tell you something. Hell, here's how it works. They go, look, any one of those Captains sky nests, any one of those things around the country, at any airport in the world, when you walk dancing parlors, you just flash them this black card, they see that Centurion card. Boom. Gates open, the clouds part, the heavens open, and they'll let you. I've been to 2000 airports and done the. Hey, can I get into the sky mall with my. I mean, can I get into the cafes now that's what I should call it. Okay, get into the captain's desk with My first class, whatever. And they're like, no. And then I pull this thing out and I go, how about now? They go, nope, pulled it. I brandished this thing 4,000 times at 4,000 airports. And the answers are resolute. Why are you holding that up?

[Dana Gould]

And you have to pay for it?

[Larry Miller]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we were impressed.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. It's still cool though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You can impress the people, people you work with.

[Larry Miller]

It's nice and it's awesome because it weighs three times as much as a regular card. And it's black. So when it falls out of your back pocket and slides out of your wallet, it's forever lost under your car seat with the black carpet. Other than that, it's good. It's great for Cut and Coke. Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

According to the Wall street journal, Febreze made $1 billion in sales last year. And it's surprising that anything makes $1 billion in a down economy.

[Donnie]

I use some today. You did wash my bed sheets. And while I was off, freeze down the bed. The mattress pad.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, really? Yeah. Open the window.

[Donnie]

It's a nice day in la.

[Larry Miller]

I do it. I dump. You know, I don't scintillate powder down my, you know, down my ball sack. You know, you don't want to spit.

[Adam Carolla]

Your balls with this.

[Larry Miller]

And I use spray on deodorant for shoes. Sometimes like to spray a little down the crotch or a little in the hat brim or just, you know, to, you know, a defunctify stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, brim. Wow. I never thought of a hat deodorizer.

[Larry Miller]

Listen, if you got spray on deodorant, you can spray that on anything. I mean, you get a pair of like, running shoes and just inside each. Running shoes, you know, why not?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't even know they still make spray on deodorant.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, yeah, they do. The worst is the ball stuff.

[Dana Gould]

I heard that talc is bad for your scrotum, Patrick.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, well, I don't use to.

[Larry Miller]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

What does it do to your scrotum? I need to know.

[Larry Miller]

I don't know.

[Dana Gould]

Someone should Google it.

[Larry Miller]

But it's.

[Dana Gould]

It's real, all right. You'll see.

[Larry Miller]

Well, no more. No more Febreze. One billion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. $1 billion in sales last year and making it the 24th Procter and Gamble brand to do so. So it's now in a small club which includes pamphlets, Camper's Tide and Pantene, which I know is your shampoo of choice, right?

[Larry Miller]

No. Oh, I thought you said that that's expensive shit. My wife insists is Better than the stuff that is inexpensive.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to say something. On this very show I claimed that expensive or cheap shampoo are the same. But I did not realize your wife had the Brazilian straightening. In which case she can only use sulfate free products. And I totally get that. And those are expensive.

[Larry Miller]

I'd be just like you to back her up. But let me just say this about for breeze. They made $1 billion, but let me tell you who they didn't get a plug nickel from. The Corollas and the guys who drive the airport shuttle. Not a goddamn penny from those people. That is a market I could burst wide open for those people if I could just crack into that group. Have you ever been in one of those shuttles? It is the funkiest smelling.

[Dan Finnerty]

You've never.

[Dana Gould]

You've really taken the airport shuttle.

[Larry Miller]

You think with my black car I know what's happening.

[Adam Carolla]

You just think they'd carry you by super shuttle?

[Larry Miller]

I the only time I took these super. By the way, whoever owns the word super should sue shuttle for using super. It is. There's nothing super bad. Super stinky shuttle, I guess is what they don't. I. I was in New York with Jimmy and the morning show Kevin and me morning show many years ago and I got phone call and it said, hey, come back to LA and audition for Loveline for mtv. And I said, I'm having the time of my time of my life in New York with Jimmy. We just found this credit card, we're buying pizzas. It's awesome. You want me to fly home and audition? And I've never gotten an audition ever. I've never made one. And now I'm just gonna be back in LA while Jimmy's having fun in Little Italy. And they said, come back, you got to do this. And when I came back, I got on the super shuttle. I was super poor and I got on the super shuttle and I was the first dude on the shuttle. And when you're the first dude on the shuttle, they don't just go, where to? You fucking circle that airport 25 times until that place. Until the van gets filled with other people. And as if the funk wasn't bad enough, like I was hanging my head out the window like a labor. Then when you get the other nine people, weary travelers on there, it starts getting gamey in there. And then there's that thing where there's no order to the shuttle. It's like, it's not like whoever. I've been on this shuttle for a fucking half hour. I want to get off this shuttle, I just go to my house first. Like, not whoever's closest to the airport. And there's a very pivotal moment when we're heading down the 405, we're heading into the Valley. You know what I'm talking about here. Patrick, Dan, you guys know I'm from the airport, heading in. We're heading to the 101, and I got an apartment with a roommate in Toluca Lake. And this other dude lives in, like, Canoga park, and we're going down, and he got on last, and I've been on this stink shuttle for an extra hour. And the guy's like, yeah, it's just right over here in Canoga Park. And I almost grabbed the wheel and pulled us onto the 101, but I bullshitted the guys, like, yeah, I'm right here in Van eyes. You just first. Just first exit. Just turn right on to the 101. It's like, oh. Oh, yeah. No, when I say Sherman Oaks. Just. Just next. Next. Just get by. What? Goodbye, cold water. And the guys certain. After about nine exits, the guy's like, where the do you live? And I'm like, just down about another five miles. And the guy from Canoga park was pissed, but no way was I going all the way down to Canoga Park. Turn around. Chose the life.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, like beat the system.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's right.

[Dana Gould]

Pre Febreze.

[Larry Miller]

This. Pre Febreze. Well, it's still pre Febreze and all those shuttles, right? Yeah. Shouldn't there be some sort of funk o meter where they just wave it in? Here's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a light meter.

[Larry Miller]

Well, yeah, you gotta have a license to drive a hack or drive a van. They can't just go, hey, man, I just bought a 89 Ford Aerostar. I'm gonna go down to the airport and see if I can make some money. Like, someone's gonna. No, you need a license. You need a special license. You need a permit. Shouldn't they just have a dog or a canary or something that they send into those fucking vans? Like, shouldn't there be some kind of funko meter that's like. Just go. I don't know, like you test Olympic athletes or something. Just like, hey, man, this is way too fucking funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they get smog checks, right?

[Larry Miller]

That's just a smog for your ass.

[Bald Bryan]

I like the canary, but you gotta, you know, also, you.

[Larry Miller]

You.

[Bald Bryan]

I've always been very thrifty. And when you have a big family, you know, you was trying to, you know, save a little bit here and there. But at one point, you know, you get to that point where it's like, am I gonna. I'm gonna pay an extra $30 and I'm gonna be home two hours earlier.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

You know, just jump in a cab.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Not that it's gonna smell any better. It's gonna get you home.

[Dana Gould]

Or you could get a cab and send your kids in the Super Shuttle.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I should do.

[Bald Bryan]

Or I could take a town Car.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. No, it's seriously the one of those, like, there are those things where if you don't have money, it makes sense, but then there are those things where people drive halfway across town to save one penny a gallon on gas. Or they take the super shuttle for 35 bucks versus the cab for 55 or 60 bucks that get you home two hours earlier. And you wouldn't, by the way, you think about the shuttle. You have two choices. You can either get dropped off last, which blows a ass, or you can get dropped off first and have a bunch of poor people know where you live, you know what I mean? A bunch of folks that stink and couldn't afford a cab going, yeah, here's where War Burton lives. I'll be back tonight with a 12 pack and a butcher knife. You know what I'm saying? And where were we?

[Dana Gould]

Come on, what do you got there?

[Larry Miller]

What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

I do have more. I'm getting a rap news thing, but there is a story that I really want to do, so you guys are gonna have to wait until now.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, Spit it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Mike lynch will be mad.

[Dana Gould]

Will this affect my plug?

[Larry Miller]

Well, you know, when lynch gets pissed, I mean, he's probably busted up for Monster.

[Dan Finnerty]

I know you're alive, Alison.

[Donnie]

He might tighten his lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he talking into his walkie talkie? Listen to this, you guys. Last Saturday, Tiffany Cowth took her dog Sugar to obedience class at Canyon Crest Canine Training Center. It was there that Sugar had a seizure. Dog trainer Ron Pace made a bold decision. And though he was never trained in dog cpr, he began administering cpr. But after two minutes of chest compressions and mouth to mouth breathing, Sugar was revived. It may not have been the correct way to do it, but it's the outcome that's important, he said. So what is the correct way to perform canine cpr? And it's good that we're doing this story in case anyone's dog has a seizure this weekend. Canine CPR focuses on the ABCs airway, breathing and Circulation. And here's the important thing to know, instead of mouth to mouth, breathing is performed mouth to snout.

[Larry Miller]

I heard when you said abc. I heard bfd, by the way. But go ahead, go ahead. I got yelled at for giving my dog the wrong fucking food tonight. Like, I had to give my wife. You know, you have to do that thing with your wife every once in a while where you just go, are you fucking nuts? Like, I fed Molly tonight and she has the new food that she's trying to get onto, but she's supposed to get one cup of the new kibble with the three cups of the old kibble so we can slowly introduce the new kibble into her life. And she's like, did you feed Molly tonight? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, what'd you feed her? And I was like, I just went into the plastic bin and I gave her three scoops of the kibble. And she's like, you didn't give her the new kibble? And I was like, no, I didn't know there was a new kibble. And she's like, I've been talking about. I'm sorry, I gotta get a notepad with Donnie and really focus. That's what I should do. I should quit thinking about whatever makes us money. Really focus full time on fucking kibble consumption. And then she gives me like the real serious. So you just gave her three cups of the old kibble and I just gave her the who gives a shit? Are you fucking Nazi? Are you serious? We're gonna have a long winded diatribe about fucking new kibble and old kibble introduction. God damn, we're going nuts with dogs in this country. You know, it's great.

[Adam Carolla]

She had a seizure.

[Larry Miller]

Would you. I get my fucking dog. You know what? You know, my wife will go like, no. Oh, no chicken bones. No chicken bones for Molly. No chicken bones. And then I love. I love my Guatemalan nanny because she just sits there and I go, hey, in Guatemala, do they have a no chicken bones policy? She said, they get what they get. They don't give a. They don't have any kind of. You can't eat this and you can't eat that. They just throw chicken carcass out there. And if the dog gets it, the dog gets it. It's not like you can't feed them this, you can't give them that. Yeah, there's no. Yeah, there's. There's no. Oh, they're smiling. She's a cute girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Mouth to snout, mouth to snout. Yeah, so don't put your mouth on your dog's mouth because basically you're freaking out with your dog when you don't.

[Larry Miller]

Need to blow into the nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Blow into the nose, not the mouth.

[Larry Miller]

I got a fat breeze that nose before I get anywhere near it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it'll probably taste like the old kibble.

[Larry Miller]

That'd be a good name for a dog. Febreze or young black child.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that could be a butler's name.

[Larry Miller]

Come here for free. Somebody's got to do it.

[Dana Gould]

Come on.

[Larry Miller]

Somebody's got to name their kid Febreze.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take one for the teacher team. Oh, my book. It goes with my book.

[Larry Miller]

There's going to be someone in the NFL named Febreze Jones at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Johnson.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it's like 50B, you know, nickel package type DB I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Allison Rosen. Is that a sledgehammer bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[Gina Grad]

Awesome, awesome stuff, Allison Rosen.

[Larry Miller]

R. Alright, let's give some plugs out first. Moi me at the Moore Theater this Sunday. I think it's gonna be sold out people, so there might be a couple of tickets left but I think we're gonna go clean as Mike August says, Cleveland and Chicago coming up. And also I'm doing my book signing at the University bookstore in Seattle before the Moore Theater. And you come out there at 2:30 and you get yourself a book. We'll give you a raffle ticket and then you can have a beer with me. Good times. Also Patrick Warburton of course Thursday nights 8:30 CBS Co starring my lovely lover, Megan Price, Rules of engagement. And also you can find well Patrick. Yep. Oh yeah, you can go to his Facebook. Yeah, Facebook. Yeah.comwar Burton everybody. Also the Dan Band at the Music Box Theater in la.

[Donnie]

Golf.

[Larry Miller]

Ah yeah, the golf tournament already happened but the donation still donate. A lot of kids can't eat saltines and you need to help those kids out. Also the Dan Band Music box Theater in LA. March 18, Washington D.C. on the 29th and Boston on the 30th. The Dan Band again if you want to have a good time again, bring some of the uninitiated, bring some strangers to enjoy the majesty of the Dan Band. So until next time, this is Adam Perolla for Bald Bryan, Dan Finnerty, Patrick Warburton and of course Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Adam Carolla]

My ankles are too fat to kickbox with God.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's ADAM COLE Show 520 with Patrick Warburton. From Family Guy, Seinfeld, a million other projects, tons of voiceover. Adam Cole show guest legend along with Dan Finnerty from Dan Band. Super cool dude. Huge fan of the podcast and the Kayla Sex morning show. He was on the show many times in the early years. Me and Dr. Bruce actually hung out with Dan Finnerty from the Dan Band at the Ontario Live show at the Ontario Improv in California. There was two back to back shows. Dan performed in one. It's the infamous show where Adam Kroll ate a mozzarella stick from his groin. It's a classic photo taken by Mike Carano. It was a very fun night. Dr. Bruce and I and Dan Finnerty were like escorted around the club by Mike. All about the improv. Managed many clubs, does all the photography for the clubs. It was right in his era too this before Mike quit drinking. So it was a lot of fun. All three of us peeped around a corner. We watched Jeff Ross blow a T joint to himself in the emergency exit. Like we were like a Discovery Channel nature show. Like just observing somebody from afar. And then Dan tried to give me and Dr. Bruce a bunch of free merch from his Prius. Rad dude. All right, come next we have Adam Colisho 533 featuring Dana.

[Larry Miller]

Cool.

[Giovanni]

Adam and Dana. One on one. Unusual but classic and fun format. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Larry Miller]

It's time for a little one on one with one of my favorites, Dana Gould. Everybody in studio. He's gonna beat the Melrose improv. That is April 9th in helium in Portland. God, that's a great town. Portland, Oregon, April 14th through the 16th. Also the CD and DVD. Let me put my thoughts in you. Available on Amazon or on Dana's website www.danagool. speaking of Amazon, we got a little deal going with Amazon which is it's kind of nice. It's the click through thing. If you want to buy something on Amazon, like you want to buy my book or you want to buy Dana's DVD or you want to buy a toaster oven, it doesn't matter. If you go to AdamCarolla.com and you click on Amazon from our website, then we get the click through thing. So the point is is we get a little rev share.

[Dan Finnerty]

You get a little rev share off that.

[Larry Miller]

We don't have to do anything. You gu don't have to do anything.

[Dan Finnerty]

Interesting.

[Larry Miller]

Amazon doesn't really have to do anything except for let us wet our beaks and it's pretty straightforward. So if you're going to go to Amazon and I do go to Amazon. And like I said, maybe you want to buy something related to me or Dana or not from Amazon. If you go to our website and you just click it through our website, AdamCarolla.com, we get a little taste and thus we keep the lights on around here.

[Dan Finnerty]

And you have a link to Amazon on your site and do you get a check from Amazon?

[Larry Miller]

I think we just get a gift certificate for slippers.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's what I think. I don't know how the money happens.

[Larry Miller]

Well, if I was Amazon first off, I'd just go, sorry, no. Yeah, I don't even know. No link throughs this week.

[Dan Finnerty]

I wouldn't even know who to call about that. How do you call the Internet to find out where your money is?

[Larry Miller]

I don't know. I have no idea how any of this stuff works. I just know if you go to our website and go to Amazon from our website, somehow some genie over at Amazon will be aware of it. You can buy. Let me put my thoughts in. You and Dana will get a little bit and we'll get a little bit and Amazon will make a sale and everyone will be happy.

[Dan Finnerty]

I don't know that most, most of the jobs in the world are jobs that I didn't, I don't realize are jobs.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

Or I don't know how people get the money from it.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

You know, I, I do engineering spec work on industrial air compressors.

[Larry Miller]

Right. Yeah. No, I'm from high school.

[Dan Finnerty]

It was a dream.

[Larry Miller]

I'm, I'm that way with all things financial. Like all, all the stuff where I buy oil commodities on speculation. So I'll buy X amount of units of oil and then if oil goes up 10 cents a barrel, then I'll have made that much. But if I guess wrong, it's like I, I never know how any of that works. And I suspect just like attorneys, they know no one knows how it works. Yeah, any, anything that has its own language doctors and attorneys have that. They don't really want you knowing exactly how it works.

[Dan Finnerty]

No. And you can, and you can always tell, especially on the, you know, especially you. You kind of have to know about the financial stuff because I don't. Almost drove the country off the rails. And whenever they start to pitch you the hot new financial deal, you can always tell it's skeezy when they sell it to you under the guise of freedom. Freedom. All those people who lost their homes, that's because they refinanced so they could have freedom from debt whenever they serve you. Bullshit. In this country to get you to buy it. They serve it in the Liberty Belt and.

[Larry Miller]

And they also do a. I love listening a little AM radio. How much of your portfolio is gold? I was thinking, you're not buying gold right now, you're losing. The founding fathers knew something we didn't. There's always. They always go back a couple hundred years something.

[Dan Finnerty]

If you're watching like KCOP late at night, like a local television station where the. All the advertisements are geared to people still awake because they don't have to go to work the next day. It's all trucking school and it's all freedom. Tired of being told you can't sell your own teeth?

[Larry Miller]

Yes, I am a lot of from home. A lot of in my spare time.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

A lot of.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, I like the alpacas and home ebay businesses.

[Larry Miller]

Well and then the other one is if you suffer from mesothelioma or you know anyone else who worked in the shipping industry. And by the way, I love. They'll open it up like they'll go. Do you know anyone who was in the military? Shipbuilding industry, stuffed animal industry, party industry, ice cream industry, carpeting industry, Teaching industry, Home heating and oil industry. At a certain point you. They're gonna fall.

[Dan Finnerty]

Have you ever been a victim of rain?

[Larry Miller]

Have you been born. Have you carried out cellular. Cellular respiration?

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, that's like get in on a. Get in on a lawsuit.

[Larry Miller]

Right? That's basically. That's basically what that messes the o. Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

I remember I did a show on the Sci fi channel in 1995 called the Big Scary Movie show, which was just. It was like me hosting horror movies. And it was the only job. I insist it's the only job I'm remotely qualified to do. And the very first episode comes on and at home in my apartment by myself watching it and the first commercial comes on, it was like some guy in a suit. Would you like to learn to draw? I just want to blow my brains out.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I love. It was. It was really. It was funny because when I would stay home from school, as I oftentimes did when I was in junior high and grade school, I would just sit and watch TV because there's no one to play with. Everyone else is at school, there's nothing else to do and you just. This is a weird gilded cage you've put yourself into.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's the only way that 11 year old boys watch the Lucy Show.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I would, I would watch that. There would be it also. It'd be that thing where they go like, we now return to Tab Hunter and Debbie Reynolds in. And he'd be like, Black and White, 1949.

[Dan Finnerty]

With me, it was always, we're back now with McKenna's Gold.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, you're just sitting there. And the thing that sucked for me is I lived across the street from Colfax elementary, which was my elementary school.

[Dan Finnerty]

I know, right where you grew up.

[Larry Miller]

Literally across the street on Houston Street. And so, first off, I wouldn't notice it when they were in class. I was just watching Tab Hunter and Debbie Reynolds. But then the bell would ring, which I could clearly hear from my den, and the kids would all burst out, and they start playing four square. And then I was actually at home staring through my window going, God damn, I wish I was at school playing socko with these guys right now.

[Dan Finnerty]

You're the boy in the bubble at that point, right?

[Larry Miller]

I'm Johnny Travolta. And I'm like, I want to get at it. And then, you know, they'd have, you know, nutrition or whatever, and they'd do have the lunch one, then they'd have the PE one. At a certain point, I started feeling horrible. But I would sit home and I would watch a black and white Zenith tv and there was nothing to do. There was no laptops. There was no Internet. There was no cable, no basic cable. No. I didn't even have. Have, like, I. I didn't have a, you know, operation or don't break the ice. I didn't have anything. I just sat in front of this TV set. So I would see all those commercials. And there were all commercials about. Well, they were. There were a couple of good ones. There was the trucking. You know, the trucking school. Yeah. I was like, the big rigs. I should know. They do these ones, too, where they'd have the chick. Where they'd go, dudes, in school of trucking. I should know. I'm Debbie, dudes. It like, you go like, holy shit. My mind is blown now because I was. Because you're. Sweetie, you're good. Six and a half. I swore you were a spokesmodel, but turns out you're the oldest daughter. Holy shit. And I remember him clearly. Like, the guy would come out there and go, in 1972, $10 bought this many groceries and hold up two bags of groceries. Now it buys this many. It's like half a bag of groceries. Trucking is the only industry you know. And you talk about getting and they do. They have some sort of cheesy something. But it didn't so go to Dootson and get to trucking.

[Dan Finnerty]

It was New England brick face. Really learn how to put fake bricks on homes.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, that was good.

[Dan Finnerty]

It's like, it's like wallpaper for the outside of your house.

[Larry Miller]

That looks like Z brick. Yeah, right. They had, There was. They'd have good ones that have ones for women too. Like want to learn how to work in a doctor's world. That was like dental.

[Dan Finnerty]

Hi, Chattanooga.

[Larry Miller]

Would you like to be a model or just look like one?

[Dan Finnerty]

Would you like to be a model, just look like one. Or get roofied and sold into a heroin in the Bahrain?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that was a good one. And then there were some good depressing ones. There was the. Then there was the ones that was geared toward the degenerates. There was the Poker Pan Society of Gardena welcomes you to Gardena. There was a one that says, look, instead of sitting home or you're thinking about getting a trucker's job, that's suckers work. Come down to Gardena, play some pai gow poker.

[Dan Finnerty]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And my favorite one. And even, you know, things are bad when as a kid, you know, it's horrible. Like as a kid you go, wow, that's, that's, that's cheesy. As a kid, they used to have one that talked about the Pan Poker Society welcomes you to Gardena. And Gardena is a shithole, right? A all out, just shithole. And they had one where it was. It wasn't about the gambling, it was about the food. And they'd be like, they'd be like the Horseshoe. Italian. Italian cuisine, exquisite. And there was this one line where they said, the El Dorado, you're on the French Riviera. I remember being nine and laughing like a maniac, like, I don't know where the French Riviera is. I don't know where Gardena is. But I know they're nowhere. I know there's nowhere. There's no. At no point are you at that diner in Gardena at the Horseshoe, thinking you're somewhere on the French Riviera.

[Dan Finnerty]

You just made me remember. I remember once George Meyer, who was a Simpsons writer and a really funny guy, we were driving to Vegas and we drove by one of those. It said $98 shrimp buffet, buffet. And he just went. It was quiet. He just goes, had it up to here with $99 shrimp buffets.

[Larry Miller]

Well, also, there are certain things in life where, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like to Purchase an ejector seat that was $2.59.

[Dan Finnerty]

I never buy meat from those guys.

[Larry Miller]

I'm the same. When you go to these subway and they go, we have the lobster bisque 2 foot sub for 3.99 or something. And you think how much lobster can.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah. And how long is the seafood been in your dodgy fridge?

[Larry Miller]

I don't want. I. Here's the deal. I don't want to pay a king's ransom for seafood, but if you're charging me way less than the market rate for you fill in the blank. Whether it's a child seat or seafood or a crash helmet, you know, like something I.

[Dan Finnerty]

Have you ever had the guys come to your house and say, we got a. We got a car full of frozen steaks and the guy didn't buy them? Yeah, I was like, I. Door to door meat. That's a weird no. Has anyone ever. Sure.

[Larry Miller]

I. I know guys.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'll feed my family with your trunk meat.

[Larry Miller]

I. I know guys who used to do that and it's a weird thing now. I like it when somebody for Christmas gets you the Omaha steak thing.

[Dan Finnerty]

I did that for my dad and he loved it.

[Larry Miller]

But. But the coming to the house. I got meat in the truck.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, but it's also, it's like, you know, we were just delivering it up the street and again, the guy didn't want us. People on my street get meat delivered.

[Larry Miller]

From the trunk of a guy driving a Pontiac Fiero. Like.

[Dan Finnerty]

And I got some rifles if you want them.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it is. I used to. I bought speakers from a guy in a parking lot once. A long story.

[Dan Finnerty]

My dad bought a gun from a guy, a rifle he bought out of the trunk of the guy's car.

[Larry Miller]

Really?

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Well, evidently, whether it was pulling. Well, you look at a lot of these bands back in the 60s and 50s and they would sell their own albums out of the trunk of the car. I guess selling things out of the trunk of your car. Not quite as dodgy as it. Pardon the pun. As it probably is now.

[Dan Finnerty]

I might be the one of the only comedians I know that doesn't sell my CDs after the show.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you're. Yeah, I can get it at a store.

[Dan Finnerty]

I understand. It's just a new. It's a new economy. But somebody, and this is not my quote, but it really applies. When I went, When I was 16 years old, my mom took me to see George Carlin. And he came on and he was great. And then he was gone and he was gone. Like he Was out of the building before I was.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

And somebody once said, yeah, you never want to watch your hero make change, right?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. No, I agree. Well, you know, and then that horrible.

[Dan Finnerty]

Look when you, when they, when you, you know, you gotta walk past the guy that he was, the cool guy. He was on stage entertaining you.

[Larry Miller]

Right?

[Dan Finnerty]

Now he's.

[Larry Miller]

Well, it's. It's weird because I, I do do that. Although I don't have a cd, so it works out nicely. But the. And you'll back me up on this. A lot of these clubs and or theaters, the way they've laid them out is you can't get to the green room, dressing room without walking through the crowd. Or you can't go to the bathroom without walking through the crowd and using the bathroom that everyone else is using. It's this weird.

[Dan Finnerty]

And people have. I'm sure you've had this. People at the urinal have taken their hands off their cock to go, hey, really funny. And extend their hand. Yeah, no, that's okay, right? Let's not touch cocks. That's basically what we're doing.

[Larry Miller]

It's essentially. Yeah. It's like your cock has an agent.

[Dan Finnerty]

You're really funny, man. Touch my cock.

[Larry Miller]

He's brokered a deal for you and your cock, but he's got in between you and your cock and the money. I go now. This is one of these things and I've not figured this out.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, merch is a standard.

[Larry Miller]

You tell me. You tell me, Dana Gould, since you know better than I how I should handle this. I usually say after the show, if you'd like me to autograph my book or take a picture with you or you'd like to buy a T shirt, I will go out and greet you and do that with you. And the problem depends on how big the venue is and if we're doing two shows and how enthusiastic the crowd is. And for instance, in Chicago last weekend over at the park west, big place, good size, like sort of rock and roll size place. 700 seat place.

[Dan Finnerty]

But Greg Kin could play there.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Sung the breakup song.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

Right, right. Yeah, that's a great Kin. Right? Yeah, that's a great Kin. Size room and probably great kin four years ago. I'm not toting my own horn. I'm not going to say in 83, but I'm saying, saying circa 07, not today's great kin. Great kin today play about 4 or 500 seat, right?

[Dan Finnerty]

You're talking Buck Hoen, Buck Owens, 86.

[Larry Miller]

86. Buck Owens or 07. Great kid, right? So it's like. It's a music venue. It's a big. It's a 700 seat place, but it feels bigger than that and the crowd. And we're lucky enough to do two shows on a Saturday night, so they got to turn the place around. And I say I'm gonna sign and take pictures as I always do after every show. Because my feeling is these are the people. I'm a politician, sure. I'm coming to your town. And I also have this. Fuck it. As long as I'm here, I'm here, right?

[Dan Finnerty]

I know how to do what you want to do. I know.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Now, in Chicago, they're a little more enthusiastic than they are in certain cities. And the line goes way down the hall and way into the venue, right? And I'm gonna shake everyone's hand and take everyone's picture, except for there's another show to do, there's another 650 people to load into the place. And we gotta turn it around, right? And we're in the lobby, right? So I do this thing where I say, I can't take pictures with you. I can, I can only. I'll sign your book, I'll sign your T shirt, I'll press the flesh. But if we stop and take a picture, it's gonna be nearly. That is a picture of the line, the back of the line going back into the theater. Then it goes up, turns left, goes way down the hall, and I'm up in the. I'm up in the lobby. So how do we solve this? If you don't take a picture, people get pissed off, right? They try to take the picture every time anyway. Somebody told me once, but I'm not at this level. You get a guy to take a picture, right? You get a guy with a digital camera.

[Dan Finnerty]

You get. You get somebody at the place, you know, a. A guy, like a guy from the theater, just a regular Hammond Egger. Or if it's a club like the Bar Back or somebody, and you just give them 100 bucks or whatever and you just take the. And, yeah, just take the pictures, right? And then they'll take the camera, they'll.

[Larry Miller]

Take the pictures and then they'll go. Then you tell them you can get the pictures on this website or something like that.

[Dan Finnerty]

That. Or they'll. They're just there to use their camera, right? But there's no. You cut out all that, do you? John, could you. Excuse you, could you put down. Well, put on the Oxygen tank.

[Larry Miller]

The promise is everyone has a different phone and. Or a different camera. Poor Mike August has to figure out how to work each and every one of them.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, I think, I think I did that. We did that with Pee Wee Herman. After Pee Wee Herman show and they send you out an email. You take down the email address and then you post them on a site and then they can go and get them.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, I think that might be the way to go. At least if you play a decent sized place. Most of the time, less than 10% of the people hang out and they're usually pretty good. There's always actually, I was laughing about this on the air. You'll probably have an opinion on this, but not me. Women. Something happened.

[Dan Finnerty]

Don't get me started on my opinion of women, Adam.

[Larry Miller]

And I realize every single show is, you know, the 41, 42 year old chick. There's three of them, one of them celebrating a birthday. And by the way, I'm supposed to leave my wife and say goodbye to my kids forever because this bitch is turning 42.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

And quit my gig and start doing honeydews around her place in Chicago. Like, it's like, you don't understand. I'm being great. By the way. Almost every time someone says to me, you don't understand. I understood very clearly the first time. It does.

[Dan Finnerty]

Oh, I understand.

[Larry Miller]

It's Tammy's birthday. Congratulations. You don't understand. I think I wrapped my mind around this one.

[Dan Finnerty]

I understand everything.

[Larry Miller]

Is it ever happened where they went, you don't understand. She just turned 40. Oh, wait a minute. Color me wrong, she's ripe as a grape. Wow. I did not know. You're right. Because initially when you said it was Tammy's birthday, I thought, I thought I knew.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

But then when you screamed at me, you don't understand. So it's now 40 year old women have become the biggest pains in the ass in the world. They get. First off, they get shit faced and they get. Now the dudes and are used to being drunk.

[Dan Finnerty]

I had, I had a show just the other night here in LA with this woman. Just. It was that annoying kind of. They're laughing at setups. So I flew to Detroit and then, and then after the show they come up and just shit faced. Just. It's like, that was me.

[Larry Miller]

I was the one.

[Dan Finnerty]

That was me.

[Larry Miller]

I was. You don't understand. Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

Oh, good. It was, oh, good.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. So the friends.

[Dan Finnerty]

Let me get you your keys.

[Larry Miller]

They go. And somehow they need to use up more of your time than everyone Else there combined that. That's a victory. And if everyone else got 10 minutes with you, they'd need 25.

[Dan Finnerty]

See, you think that your show is about you. It's about Tammy, right? Adam, you don't understand.

[Larry Miller]

You don't understand. This one has liked you, and then she always has the one bitchy friend. I don't know who you are, so I don't. But it's Tammy. You don't understand. Tammy's a huge fan. She's always been a huge fan. And we're gonna get a picture. Can we get a picture, cousin? And then so they do the thing where they take the picture, and it's sort of like. It's sort of like a combination lock where just. There's four numbers, but it's infinite, and it matters. Different comedy. All right, let's get one of you and Tammy. Okay, now one of you, me, and Tammy, Sheila, come here. Okay, let's get the thing.

[Dan Finnerty]

Now, serious.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, Tammy, Sheila, and me. Serious now. Okay, now all. Now, thumbs up. Now make a fit. It's like you now, you and Tammy.

[Dan Finnerty]

And I'm gonna be in the photo, but gonna look like I'm talking to somebody off camera.

[Larry Miller]

Right? Right now we need someone in a wizard outfit. And it's like, okay, there are other fucking people waiting to take them. And then we need four wheelchairs. It's almost like we're gonna do that Beatles crossing the street thing. So take your shoes off, Adam. And so there's this thing where at a certain point, it's really. It's sad, but you go, listen, there's other people waiting. There's 80 people behind you. And then we have to do another show, so we have to kind of move. Okay. You know, now they're pissed off.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah. No, no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It always ends in failure.

[Larry Miller]

Mm.

[Dan Finnerty]

It has to end in failure. You're an asshole. Whatever happens.

[Larry Miller]

Well, here's how it ends. How it ends is finally they fucking go away. And then you start getting to the end of the line, and you see in the shadows three very familiar faces. I. My eyes were closed, and Tammy didn't. You know, it's like, oh, boy. Second lap. Always a fucking. There's always two or three second lappers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the biggest pain in the ass. They leave, and there's a fucking sigh of relief. Just that feeling of, look, I know they paid good money. I know they're drunk. I know they're big fans. I don't want to be rude. It's all I could Do. They're on my last nerve now. They're gone. Thank Christ. And then all of a sudden they come up. One more, one more. We didn't get a. I will tell you. I saw the wizard was closing his eyes.

[Dan Finnerty]

The wizard, was it.

[Larry Miller]

No, it wasn't a real wizard.

[Dan Finnerty]

It was a homeless dude in a wizard hat. I was with at this comedy festival and I was in the company of Lily Tomlin and just kind of standing there and. And Adam, she's a delight. But she met like a bunch of.

[Larry Miller]

People and it was like that code for bitchy.

[Dan Finnerty]

No, she's. No, seriously, she's. She's really nice and she's so good at this. She met like five people and it was like, this is John, this is Carl, this is Pill, this is Bob, this is Terry. And she has a great mind because she gave him each like a minute and then she went, thank you very much, Bob, John, Carl. Terry shook everybody's hand, looked everybody in the eye, and then thank you very much. And then looked away. And I was like, time to go.

[Larry Miller]

Smart pro.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, pro, pro.

[Larry Miller]

Been doing it for a long time.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah. Giving you your time. Thank you very much. Now to go.

[Larry Miller]

I should. Speaking of live shows, there's Lily. I should tell people we're going to be at the Lovett's Comedy Club on Thursday the seventh, by the way, with Andy Dick in the flesh this time. Also the.

[Dan Finnerty]

Don't let him heard of ourselves.

[Larry Miller]

Orpheum Theater.

[Dan Finnerty]

A lot can happen between the 7th.

[Larry Miller]

Good point. Orpheum Theater is in Phoenix, April 22nd. Varsity Theater in Minneapolis on the 28th, and the Papa Theater, Milwaukee, shocking 29th.

[Dan Finnerty]

Now, who does these shows? When you go out there to like.

[Larry Miller]

Your Milwaukee, your Minneapolis, who does them?

[Dan Finnerty]

Do you have local, local celebrities?

[Larry Miller]

Oh, no, no. I just do stand up, essentially. I don't do the old. The old sort of podcast way. Basically it's turned to a stand up show.

[Dan Finnerty]

Oh, okay.

[Larry Miller]

Uptown Theater in Kansas city on the 30th. And I should tell people for the Wiltern Theater out here, Kansas, Kimmel is going to come out actually and say hi to crap on my own point that I just made with Dana Gould. Kimmel will come out in town. It's hard to get the celebrities out to Milwaukee. That's the problem. Kimmel is going to come out. We'll tell a couple of stories. And that is going to be May 21st at the Wiltern Theater. And first 500 tickets sold. Going to win an autographed paperback version of my book with a bonus Chapter and like I said, we'll sign it and we'll get it to you before it's released and we figured it out. You can send your receipts to acewilternmail.com that is acewilternmail.com and we'll get you a free book. There you is.

[Dan Finnerty]

Beautiful.

[Larry Miller]

Dana, let's talk about you.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'll be at the Wiltern on.

[Larry Miller]

You can come out May 12th.

[Dan Finnerty]

You will seeing Elvis Costello.

[Larry Miller]

Oh geez, I'd like to be there. You know what I'd like to do because that's, that's.

[Dan Finnerty]

But Andy Dick is my ride. So I don't know if I'm going to actually make it.

[Larry Miller]

I should come out there. You say May 12th. I'm the 21st now the last time.

[Dan Finnerty]

I saw it was Costello perform.

[Larry Miller]

Oh yeah. Saw you do there. Yeah, yeah. I will turn is a big place and that's gonna be a tough draw. And I may come out there with you.

[Dan Finnerty]

Uh huh.

[Larry Miller]

And then just paper in the room, just chain the doors and throw everyone some like pirate booty mix and go people. 10 days. There's bathrooms, there's running water.

[Dan Finnerty]

You're not in the Astrodome.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. You understand. There'll be. There's plenty of popcorn in the concession stands, hot and cold running water in the bathrooms. I put a fresh thing of talcum out on the sink. You know. 10 measly days and I will hit the stage. Now they're not going anywhere.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

And one could argue that if you like Elvis Costello as a performer.

[Dan Finnerty]

Probably a Corolla fan, right?

[Larry Miller]

It's not all. It's not like we all just saw Winger perform and they're gonna be wildly disappointed when I hit the stage. It's the same heady sort of garbage that comes out of Elvis's mouth.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. Wow, that's a good looking theater. All right.

[Dan Finnerty]

I saw one of the best live shows I ever saw was at the Wiltern is Tom Waits. And he started the show in the back of the house with a bullhorn and walked through the crowd like a carnival barker advertising his own show.

[Larry Miller]

Oh really? With that crazy voice?

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight at the World in Theater. It was fantastic.

[Larry Miller]

I get.

[Dan Finnerty]

It was thrilling.

[Larry Miller]

I always get John Waite, Tom Waits and then of course there's John Hyde. But John Waite was the guy from the babies who.

[Dan Finnerty]

Dad, I ain't missing you at all.

[Larry Miller]

Right. Who went on who looked like he.

[Dan Finnerty]

Has a raises orchids and has a small dog.

[Larry Miller]

I went to a had a little dinner Party with him at it. A record label. God, it was a different time, you know, when I started in radio, not so long ago, there were things called record labels. And they had artists and they would take these artists out and they would like, sort of wine and dine them and bring them on Loveline and they would do all this stuff and they would have parties and it was. Stuff. Shit was a little bit lavish. Like they, you know, rent out and so they had a dinner.

[Dan Finnerty]

Steve Jobs destroyed all of that.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, he did the computer.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, he did.

[Larry Miller]

I was at a restaurant. It's funny, because it's Amalfi now. It's the restaurant that I have a very small ownership in. But back then it was something else. I can't remember the name of it. An Italian place. And we're just sitting in back and we were having dinner. Just eight or 10 people with the record folks who wanted to take me out to dinner. And it was like one of those. It wasn't quite Paola, but it was like, the guy's on Kroc, you know. And he was there. Waits. John Waits was there. And he started to get drunk and he started to bother me. He started to bother me to the point where. And people. You gotta pull up thoughts and see if you find some babies. Babies are one of those bands. They're fucked. It's kind of. It's kind of like the Smiths and that. People don't realize. People think all those songs are what's his name songs.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right? Morrissey.

[Larry Miller]

Right, Morrissey songs. And a lot of them are Smith songs. And same with the babies. I think they're all John Waite songs, but they're a lot of baby songs. And they had some great songs, but no one's even heard of them, right? But then they know the song and they go, I thought that was that guy.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right? Yeah. Yours.

[Larry Miller]

You can turn it up. Thank you. Yeah. Good sir. What a.

[Dan Finnerty]

What an execrable time that was. Style wise.

[Larry Miller]

Always like this. So. So this. The babies. One of their heads. So he's bothering me and. And I'm. It's hard to bother me because I. I grew up in the Valley with a bunch of ass wipes who made a living bothering me. And I was. I'm rarely bothered by people. I'm usually amused. But he really. He got drunk. He just started bothering me.

[Dan Finnerty]

Just a bad drunk.

[Larry Miller]

Just a bad drunk. And just, hey, Mr. MTV. And all that kind of stuff. And at a certain point. And this is actually the worst part about these situations. I don't know if you're wired this way, Dana, but I didn't say to stop. I don't. More babies I wish you had. I don't mind. I don't mind being bothered. I mind the people around me. Seeing that he's bothering me. It's embarrassing.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

To me it's that sort of like.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'm profoundly uncomfortable when anybody fucks up the social contract.

[Larry Miller]

I, Yes, I agree. I. I can argue with my wife all day long, but at a restaurant, I can't argue with my wife because people are looking at it kind of thing. So at a certain point.

[Dan Finnerty]

But I can, I can solve that. That problem. But we'll get back to that.

[Larry Miller]

At a certain point, the record guy says, I'm. Turn it up. Says, says to John, hey, Lemon, leave him alone. Just leave him alone. Like, I was like uncomfortable enough. Like, hey, just back off. And half hour later, the record guy just went up to. The guy went up to wait and says that you gotta leave. You just gotta leave. I mean, it was like right in the middle of eating eight people around.

[Dan Finnerty]

A table and you're not bothering anybody.

[Larry Miller]

He made the guy leave. He just, he just told John, fuck out of here. Like, you're bothering Adam Carolla too much. That was the weirdest thing ever. I have no history.

[Dan Finnerty]

Was it like weirdly hostile?

[Larry Miller]

And it was, yeah, it was sort of drunken. A little belligerent, little funny man. You know something funny? You're not so funny. You know, like. And I wasn't doing anything. I like the baby. I should have told. I'm the only guy at this table knows who the babies are. Don't you leave me alone. I got your goddamn best note with the bronze baby shoes. That's me. I'm the guy who bought that.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, the one guy.

[Larry Miller]

The one guy you're with. Jesus Christ. Christ.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, here's how to avoid fighting your wife in restaurants. It's. It's an all purpose thing. I realized this the other day. You know, they say love is never having to say you're sorry.

[Larry Miller]

Right?

[Dan Finnerty]

Marriage is apologizing all the time for everything.

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Dan Finnerty]

You had nothing to do with the other day. Literally, it was. This was inspired, this idea. I found myself saying I'm really sorry your sister's boss said that shitty thing about those boots you gave her.

[Larry Miller]

I know, right now can I eat? I know, because.

[Dan Finnerty]

Just apologize.

[Larry Miller]

You're right.

[Dan Finnerty]

The other night we make these CDs for the girls birthday parties from like 2 to 10. I'm assuming we'll stop at 10. You know the songs that they like that year, we put them on a little cd.

[Larry Miller]

Let's put some babies on there for a minute.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's a little handout at the party. Thanks. Lulu is four, Alice is three, you know, and. And it's. And two weeks ago, had our daughter's birthday party and I'm. We're getting ready and sue comes in and just starts giving me that. I put the wrong Carly Simon song on it.

[Larry Miller]

You did your.

[Dan Finnerty]

I was supposed to put. No, I was supposed to put.

[Larry Miller]

It was.

[Dan Finnerty]

It was so easy then. It was so easy. I put Mockingbird on like an.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, that was an attack.

[Dan Finnerty]

And I. Yeah, and I was like. Yeah, that was like.

[Larry Miller]

Is that what James Taylor.

[Dan Finnerty]

That Mockingbird was James Taylor.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, that's.

[Dan Finnerty]

And Stop Punching. Stop Punching Me was also with James Taylor. But I literally said I. I had locked and loaded just like. You want to fight about this, right? Ten days ago, the wrong song on the birthday party CD handout of a seven year old.

[Larry Miller]

Right, Right. Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

You want to check tonight off on that?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

But instead I said, you know what, honey, I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I'll really try better next time. Now, as I was saying that in my mind, I was thinking, I'd like to watch War of the Gargantuas again.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

I haven't seen that in a long time, and I bet it's hilarious.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

I had no idea what I was saying.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

I like gorillas. They're majestic.

[Larry Miller]

It doesn't matter.

[Dan Finnerty]

Strong.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, just flap your.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, just flap your gums.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

I wonder if bears could learn to use flashlights. Would that change their eating habits? It doesn't matter what you're thinking.

[Larry Miller]

It is sad. It's sad.

[Dan Finnerty]

When did conditioner become mandatory?

[Larry Miller]

Sad. I was thinking about conditioner, actually.

[Dan Finnerty]

Oh, don't get me started.

[Larry Miller]

I was thinking about shower gel. I had this theory about shower gel. I'll tell you what, let's take a quick break.

[Dan Finnerty]

We are slowly, by the way, turning into the two old Muppets in the balcony.

[Larry Miller]

I know. Quick break. Back with Dana Gould right after this. This.

[Dan Finnerty]

Some things. For a long time, I didn't really go out on the road. I took a little break. And then when I went back out on the road, hadn't been out in a while, and I got into clubs again, I realized I have no pickup lines left. I mean, I don't need them. Everything's fine. But even if I did, I'm so trained as a husband, I got nothing. If my wife Left me. Tomorrow, I would just be stumbling up to women in bars. So I noticed you sitting there by yourself and, you know, thought you might have a list of chores and errands.

[Gina Grad]

You wanted me to do Dana Gould on the Adam Carolla Show.

[Larry Miller]

The great Dana Gould in studio.

[Dan Finnerty]

Why didn't I brush my hair for my special?

[Larry Miller]

You look good. I saw that on television.

[Dan Finnerty]

Showtime.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, on Showtime.

[Dan Finnerty]

Very nice.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, they've been. Been running it. I think I saw it a couple months back.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yep, they run that. And I'm on the Green Room a lot with Paul Provenza. They run that a lot.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, that I have not. I've not seen yet.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'm pretty convinced that they run those things a lot because my wife works.

[Larry Miller]

In hbo, and they're just trying to piss off.

[Dan Finnerty]

They're just trying to create problems in my house. House. And so you know what I do? I just apologize. I'm really sorry. I have this career.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, but you're.

[Dan Finnerty]

That involves my parents on competing networks.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, well, your wife's way up there on hbo, right?

[Dan Finnerty]

She's queen shit of Turd Mountain.

[Larry Miller]

Absolutely. And how does that go? Like, do you ever feel like there's two things that can happen when your dad is the coach of your little league team? You can either be. You can either play shortstop, even though you have a noodle for an arm and bat cleanup, even though you're batting a robust 127 and have no pop in your bat, or you can have a cannon for an arm and a lot of pop in your bat and bat eighth and play right field because he doesn't want to have the appearance of putting his son in at shortstop, even if he deserves to play shortstop.

[Dan Finnerty]

Not to call my arm a cannon. It's more of that, but it's also a lot of that comes from. From me, too.

[Larry Miller]

You say to your wife, I don't want you pushing for.

[Dan Finnerty]

Literally, that special was we. I made it. I shout factory. The production company paid for it, and then they sold it to Showtime. It was offered to hbo, but it was done at such a time that it would have quite literally been one of the first things my wife bought under her tenure. And she was. She looked at me with this, like, pained expression. I was like, no, forget it. Just go. I totally understand.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

You know, it's like, because I've given people grief about nepotism, you know, when it's overt, so.

[Larry Miller]

Right, right.

[Dan Finnerty]

You don't want to be tarred with the same feather.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

Same branch.

[Larry Miller]

I think you get tarred with the same. Well, to me. Yeah, yeah, right. That's a good point. To me, I tar things with a mop because it's called hot mop. And like what a roofer would do when they put up the buckets of.

[Dan Finnerty]

Mopping, tart and feather. By the way, you, you know, you can't just walk that off.

[Larry Miller]

No.

[Dan Finnerty]

Hard for a long time, I think, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

Well, it's called, it's called Tarred for Life. I think. Yeah, I mean, that's a really bad sitcom name.

[Dan Finnerty]

But no, that was renamed Life Goes On. All right, I'm sorry. Don't yell at me. I support the special.

[Larry Miller]

And, and by the way, you had my attention at tard, like the feathered part. All right, but tard bad enough you're already there, right?

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, I've told this. Well, I've. Nevermind, I've.

[Larry Miller]

Go ahead.

[Dan Finnerty]

I've gotten a lot of grief from a bit that I've done about the fact that, you know, when you make fun of people, there's always two things that happen. One, you're aware that it's tasteless. And when you're a kid, you're not. And you are kept in check as a kid by going, that could happen to you, right? You know, kid in a wheelchair or something. And even like with mentally challenged, with retarded kids. My mother, we, God forbid that happened to you. And we sort of grew up with this false belief that one day if you didn't behave yourself, you might wake up retarded. My mom, never gonna happen.

[Larry Miller]

Even did that with black people, by the way. Couldn't even tell black jokes.

[Dan Finnerty]

Right. God forbid that happens to you, but nobody's ever woken up in the morning. Bye, honey. I'm going to.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, no. Retarded. Today of all days, I have to.

[Dan Finnerty]

Give the predentation we're gonna lose the Henderson account now. So I did that bit for a long time and a friend of mine said to me, this is absolutely true, by the way. He goes, you know, you might dress it up, but you're just making fun of retarded people.

[Larry Miller]

Right?

[Dan Finnerty]

That bit doesn't work. Without the, without the impression, I go, sure, yeah, exactly right. So I stopped doing it and I, I gave a thousand dollars to the Special Olympics.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you did?

[Dan Finnerty]

Just like, kind of like I feel guilty that put me in there. Like super donor circle.

[Larry Miller]

Sure.

[Dan Finnerty]

Now every day I get mail from retarded people asking me to donate more money. They have spent in postage alone, $7,000 trying to get me to send them another $1,000.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, interesting. Well, because they're retarded, the Special Olympics for a reason. Yeah. I've always kidded that they, I'd like them to take the Special Olympics and take it to the next level and mix it with the X Games and have the Special X Games where you just like duct tape the guy to the skateboard and let him go off the big vert ramp, just send him sailing.

[Dan Finnerty]

And that's one of those things that I do. I know it's wrong, I know it's morally reprehensible, sure. But it gets such a good laugh. And I know I don't mean it. I don't hate, I don't hate. I don't mock. Well, I mock, but I don't hate.

[Larry Miller]

The thing that's weird, you know, whether whoever you're talking about at any, at any given time. I don't understand why comedians don't get a pass. Like, I don't understand why. I mean, I, you know, I understand if you're a politician, you have to, you have to hold the guy's feet to the fire. And I understand if you, you know, you run Nabisco, you have to do it. But if Gilbert Godfrey makes an off color joke, who gives a fuck? And isn't that sort of what he does for a living? And isn't that in a way the essence of comedy?

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, there, yeah, you and I know this. And it's, you know, I made a 911 joke on 9 11. I felt weird. I wouldn't have done it on 9 13, but there's a thing called schadenfreude, which is a, you know, you know what it, it's laughing to keep away misery. It is a biological impulse. Chimpanzees do it. When a chimpanzee falls out of a tree and dies, the other chimpanzees point and laugh. It's a biological thing to keep it away, put it in context. So I mean, there's an element of that. I mean, there's a line clearly, and it's all in. It's not what you say, it's how you say it and what the content is. It's like to drop his name twice in one show. It's like George Carlin said, you can absolutely choke a bunch rape. You know, what's the joke? You know, it's like, well, I, you.

[Larry Miller]

Know, and also the point is, what do your words, what effect do your words have on either the incidence of rapes going up in this country or terrorist attacks? Going up in this country or tsunamis going up in Japan. Like, how do these words affect anything? And I will accept an answer if you say these words cause more people to rape other people. Even that's a little spurious, but fine. But if your words have no effect on any of this, then who gives a fuck? And can't we move forward? And I do feel like all people.

[Dan Finnerty]

Want is a facile answer. Like I could say to people, that bit that I do is very simple. All it's saying is that people should be moral for its own reward and that you don't need the threat of. But I don't. That's bullshit. But that's what they would love to. To hear. I did a show in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is years ago when I used to end my set by singing this. More a parody of a Morrissey song I did called Clown Fucker about a woman that was a clown groupie song.

[Larry Miller]

Clown Fucker.

[Dan Finnerty]

Clown fucker.

[Larry Miller]

That's what they said.

[Dan Finnerty]

And it was very funny. And then I would go like, okay, this half of the room now. You know, alcoholics only adult survivors of incest in this half of the room. After the show, I walk out of the lobby and there's a woman there and she has two giant, like Cold war era hearing aids, like, with white cable hooked up to what looks like a Charlie Tuna AM radio. And three girls in their late teens, early 20s that are bawling, bawling. And this woman goes to me, how dare you?

[Larry Miller]

Oh, boy.

[Dan Finnerty]

All three of my daughters were intended by their father. And you come and do that tonight to them.

[Larry Miller]

Wow.

[Dan Finnerty]

And then the girl looks up at me and she goes, thanks for ruining my birthday, you.

[Larry Miller]

And the deaf woman's like, when I close my eyes, I can still not hear the muddled screams.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, that was the implication, I guess.

[Larry Miller]

How did you lose your hair? Wow.

[Dan Finnerty]

But it was just again, that's what I was like, well, you know, then don't go to a comedy show.

[Larry Miller]

Right? Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

I wasn't told you were here.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, like, come on.

[Dan Finnerty]

I didn't say it was great.

[Larry Miller]

I do think those people want a certain kind of attention and I think it sort of transcends them. What they want to say to you is there's a sort of a. There's a weird sort of one upsmanship when it comes to abuse. That it's impossible. If I have it. Everyone I know has it. If you were injured on a construction site and you had an I beam crush your femur on a construction site and Some guy starts talking about holding the nail and missing it and having the hammer hit him square in the thumb and his nail turned black and it felt off. You cannot sit there idly without working. In your story about having your femur crushed by an I beam, it's just, it's impossible. There's a sort of a pain, one upsmanship that never leaves. And no one ever gets tired of telling the stories. And, you know, it's. It's the guys that were, you know, the guy. I'm sure the guy did three tours in Namm and has two Purple Hearts. Never. Every, Every story, every conversation, every interaction, every exchange with another. Another human being, you know, doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing, you know, hey, this is an awesome buffet. Not as, not nearly as bad as when I was doing my three tours in that if you get picked up.

[Dan Finnerty]

By a car when you go into a new town.

[Larry Miller]

Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

If the driver of that car was in Nom, you will know before you leave the airport.

[Larry Miller]

Right, Right.

[Dan Finnerty]

It doesn't bother me.

[Larry Miller]

I was in Nam. Fledged 20 minutes late.

[Dan Finnerty]

Water off a duck's bag.

[Larry Miller]

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right. 31 degree weather may be tough on some people, but not people that walk through swamps with an M16 over their head looking for bouncing baddies. Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

And if he's bald with a ponytail, probably not.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah. So the point is there is a humor, must know of my pain thing, which then doesn't really make it your fault because again, you're not the guy who molested the survivors. You're right.

[Dan Finnerty]

It's just a terrible. It's a terrible thing to happen to both. I still remember it vividly. And it was like 19. It was years and years ago. I felt terrible, but it's always like, dude, you can't leave the house.

[Larry Miller]

I had a great argument with someone who called in Loveline a million years ago where I was like, know. Victim of incest. Victim of incest. I said victim of incest five times, talking to someone who was a victim of incest. And then somebody called in and did the survivor of incest. And I said, victim and victim. And they're like, survivor, survivor of incest. And I said, what the. Now? It was, it was a very curb your enthusiasm sort of moment where I.

[Dan Finnerty]

Was like, that's an incredibly.

[Larry Miller]

But you also. Victim, like, you know, you could be a victim of a hit and run if you were jogging at night and you could survive it.

[Dan Finnerty]

No pun intended.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, but you would. Yeah. If you were T boned by Drunk driver. You'd be a victim of a drunk driver. Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'm just saying, it's just getting worse.

[Larry Miller]

I. I do say I'm sticking by victim survivor. Going with victim. I'm sick of a victim here. And it was like this crazy, horrible. The person's crying and they're screaming at me, you can't. I'm a survivor of. And a victim.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah. You survived what? The bad thing that you were victimized.

[Larry Miller]

Victimized by.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

All right. We should. Before Dana calls it a night, I want to do a little while I'm in the building. While he's in the building, a little Huell Hauser. Because it's for Dana to come on and not do Huell. How Would be like Grand Funk Railroad playing a gig and not doing American band.

[Dan Finnerty]

That's exactly how I see it.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Dan Finnerty]

This is the Huell Hauser bit that is, I like to say, intrinsic to the Adam Carolla show.

[Larry Miller]

Thank you. Thank you. And Dana's got hold of. Well, set this up, Dana.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, it was literally an idea I had, and your crack staff put it together today that, you know, when we go on to. When Huell goes to a town, he always meets people that are so helpful to him, and, you know, they're, you know, just. They're enamored of the camera. They see the cargo shorts. And I just thought, what if he met somebody that didn't really give a shit? And so we just pulled some random Clint Eastwood movie clips. And let's envision in your mind if that's who Huell had to bump into when he's walking around Ukiah looking for the maple grove.

[Larry Miller]

Okay, I'm gonna close my eyes Way back to town is only 70 miles.

[Patrick Warburton]

If you save your breath I feel.

[Larry Miller]

A man like you could manage it Adios.

[Dan Finnerty]

Now, that's actually very interesting, because if I. If I could hold. If I could hold my. Save your breath is what you said. And hold your breath, because sometimes, look this. Have you ever been. I don't. Have you ever been sick and you're in bed and you pass gas and it smells so bad, but you're laughing at it. That's when I wish I could save my breath and not hold it.

[Larry Miller]

Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, that really depends on what you mean by ketchup and what you mean by hot dog. What I don't understand is why hot dogs come in packages of 10 and grade schools come in classes of 27 or more.

[Larry Miller]

Listen, punk, to me, you're Nothing but dog. You understand?

[Dan Finnerty]

A lot of things can happen to dog.

[Larry Miller]

It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind, or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice. Be careful where the dog.

[Dan Finnerty]

Well, that is the Gettysburg Address of dog. I do know that. I'm not sure what movie it was from. I. I hope it was.

[Larry Miller]

It wasn't Bridges of Madison County.

[Dan Finnerty]

I hope it wasn't that one where Tim Robbins raped all those people. But I find that also cat. If you've ever had a cat piss on a gas stove, you are buying a new stove.

[Larry Miller]

Well, a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher.

[Donnie]

Knife and a horn on.

[Larry Miller]

I figure he is now collecting for the Red Cross.

[Dan Finnerty]

Who would collect for the Red Cross on Halloween?

[Larry Miller]

We got one more for heel.

[Dan Finnerty]

But since I'm alive and I've noticed we'll be crossing Yankee and Confederate lines.

[Larry Miller]

A few times, I thought you might tell me where we're going. Well, he really mixes his delivery up, doesn't he?

[Dan Finnerty]

He really grew as an actor.

[Larry Miller]

He really did.

[Dan Finnerty]

But I'll tell you where we're going. It's what our episode is about today. If you look across that butte, it looks like somebody dropped a red hat. And we're gonna go and look at that. It's a red hat lying in the grass. And we're gonna f. We're gonna see what. What kind of grass is that anyway? It looks like Kentucky blue with a red hat on it. Jesus Christ. It's so patriotic.

[Larry Miller]

The blue.

[Dan Finnerty]

Can you see that? It's the blue of the grass and the red of the ha. Hat and the white of the white of our. Well, our skin would not be white. Why are we called white when our skin is tan? I can't help noticing the crew has left.

[Larry Miller]

The great Dana Gould, everybody. And of course, his Huellhauser stylings. Melrose Improv, April 9th, and also Helix in Portland, Oregon, April 14th through the 16th.

[Dan Finnerty]

I'm excited about that. I've never been to Portland.

[Larry Miller]

Fucking great town.

[Dan Finnerty]

Yeah, I got some friends up there.

[Larry Miller]

Great goddamn town. Smart people. Great town. Except you can't tell the homeless from the non homeless. It's interesting. Let me put my thoughts in you. Available on Amazon or at Dana's website at www.danagould.com. and you can Twitter him ainagood J. Gould. And if you want to pick up, let me put my thoughts in you or perhaps my book or anything else over at Amazon, go to our website and click through our website and then we get to wet our beaks. It's diabolical. It's easy, it doesn't cost you a penny, and it helps keep the lights on around here. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dana Gould saying Mahal.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's adam Krilla show 5:33. That does it for today's cruel classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.