Nikki Glaser + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Nikki Glaser + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics) – Detailed Summary

Release Date: May 23, 2025

Welcome to a special episode of The Adam Carolla Show, featuring comedian Nikki Glaser alongside regular contributors Alison and Bryan. This episode, part of the "Carolla Classics" series, dives deep into a blend of comedy, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions that reflect Adam’s unfiltered humor and candid takes on everyday life.

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1. Classic Clips Segment [01:19 – 08:07]

The episode kicks off with a nostalgic look back at past moments from the show. Hosted by Giovanni, this segment revisits highlights from a 2013 episode featuring Adam, Allison, and Bryan. The trio engages in a humorous and critical discussion about the national debt, showcasing Adam’s characteristic wit.

Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla (02:21): “Once you get past like 11 digits, everyone just sort of stares at it and goes, wow, we just owed another $158,000 in just the time.”

2. Traffic Troubles in Los Angeles [08:07 – 27:57]

Adam launches into a passionate critique of Los Angeles’ notorious traffic congestion. He discusses his frustration with Governor Gavin Newsom’s handling of the issue, proposing simple yet effective solutions like “Steer Clear” signs to prompt drivers involved in minor accidents to promptly clear lanes. Adam laments the lack of political will to implement these changes, emphasizing the widespread impact on commuters.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (17:10): “LA is one of the dumbest cities in America.”
• Adam Carolla (24:34): “Why is there what I would consider little to no interest in one of the biggest and universal, most universal problems that plagues LA?”

3. Controversy Over Rolling Stone Cover [49:10 – 63:00]

The conversation shifts to media ethics as Adam and Bryan dissect Rolling Stone’s decision to feature Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its cover. They express concern over the magazine’s portrayal, highlighting the insensitivity towards victims and their families. The discussion touches on the broader implications of media choices and societal boundaries.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (50:05): “If this had been the cover of Time or Newsweek, we wouldn’t really care. Is it the overstepping of the social boundary?”
• Adam Carolla (62:56): “There is something different about the way that the cover is shot that makes it look like he’s a member of a band.”

4. Relationship Dynamics and Marriage Proposals [63:00 – 148:34]

A significant portion of the episode delves into the complexities of modern relationships, particularly focusing on delayed marriage proposals. Through lively interactions with callers, including Bryan sharing his engagement story, Adam explores the societal pressures and personal insecurities that influence commitment decisions.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (84:46): “You'd like to say you did it. And then everyone says, wasn't that great? And then you moved on.”
• Brian Bishop (90:16): “How do they determine it?”
• Adam Carolla (94:25): “You do it out of love?”

The segment also touches on infidelity statistics, where Adam and Bryan discuss the rising percentage of women having extramarital affairs and the differing motivations between genders.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (145:04): “She is not satisfied with the dude.”
• Nikki Glaser (147:17): “I think that most of the women are probably fucking guys who are having extramarital affairs too.”

5. Pet Health and Personal Struggles [27:57 – 49:12]

Bryan shares a heartfelt story about his dog Molly’s health challenges, detailing her battle with cancer and the emotional toll it takes on him and his wife. This segment highlights the personal side of the podcast, offering listeners a glimpse into the vulnerabilities and responsibilities of pet ownership.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop (110:27): “She's got a growth on her ear, and it's cancerous.”
• Adam Carolla (112:50): “Molly is breaking her heart and driving her nuts.”

6. Grooming and Societal Pressures on Women [153:04 – 155:23]

Adam vents about the extensive grooming routines women undergo, critiquing the societal expectations that drive them to spend countless hours and resources on hair straightening, makeup, and other beauty practices. He juxtaposes this with men’s grooming, arguing that similar pressures are either less intense or non-existent for men.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (154:28): “All the Asians are so smart. Because they don't have to do anything.”
• Adam Carolla (154:46): “I think that most of the women are probably fucking guys who are having extramarital affairs too.”

7. Live Show with Nikki Glaser [81:37 – 164:40]

The latter half of the episode features a live recording from Caroline’s Comedy Club in New York City, with Nikki Glaser joining Adam, Alison, and Bryan. The live interaction is filled with humor, personal stories, and engaging banter.

Key Highlights:

• Prom Stories: Nikki shares her experience of attending prom with friends rather than a date, leading to humorous and relatable anecdotes about awkward social situations.

  Notable Quote:

  • Nikki Glaser (85:54): “I was on prom court.”

• Engagement Discussions: Bryan discusses his recent engagement, prompting Adam to explore the pressures and expectations surrounding marriage proposals.

  Notable Quote:

  • Adam Carolla (130:56): “She's going to be miserable driving home from this.”

• Relationship and Commitment: The live segment delves into the dynamics of long-term relationships, the desire for commitment, and the comedic frustrations that arise when one partner delays significant milestones.

  Notable Quote:

  • Adam Carolla (132:14): “This is what we want. Equal pay, women pilots, but not spending thousands of hours in front of a mirror.”

• Humorous Banter: The episode is peppered with light-hearted jokes, playful teasing, and comedic takes on everyday challenges, making the live interaction vibrant and entertaining.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show masterfully blends humor with insightful commentary on societal issues, personal relationships, and media ethics. Through engaging conversations and relatable anecdotes, Adam, alongside Nikki Glaser, Alison, and Bryan, offers listeners a mix of laughter and thoughtful reflection. Notable moments include Adam’s critique of LA traffic management, the controversial Rolling Stone cover discussion, and heartfelt stories about pet health—all interwoven with the show’s signature comedic flair.

Final Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla (164:40): “Until next time, mahalo, and get it on.”

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, highlighting key topics and memorable moments while providing a clear structure for those who haven't tuned in.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

Stop.

[Brian Bishop]

Start your free 30 day trial at.

[Adam Carolla]

Audible.Com wonderyus that's audible.com wonderyus.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to cool Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast.

[Giovanni]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clip clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a separate podcast feed titled.

[Giovanni]

Corolla Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new show Beat it out through Adam Carolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com make sure to check it out and subscribe. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorolla.com now on.

[Adam Carolla]

To the clips coming up.

[Giovanni]

First we have adam Curla Show 11 24. No guest on this episode, just Adam, Allison and Brian back in 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you guys enjoy. And now a man who has never started a dialogue or engaged in one, Adam Carolla. Yeah, gotta start that dialog. Set the clock on the dialogue clock. We had the big dialogue. Start the dialogue. It's coming any second now.

[Brian Bishop]

I want the time to count down and up at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we should put up a big race dialogue talk thing like they do with the deficit or bodies claimed by cigarettes or whatever. I miss those clocks, by the way. Those things have zero effect because once you get past like 11 digits, everyone just sort of stares at it and went, wow, we just owed another $158,000 in just the time. I walk by the thing and then you say to whoever you're walking with, huh?

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And that's it.

[Brian Bishop]

It should be sort of like when they say that, you know, it could wrap. You know, if it was counted in hamburgers, it could wrap around the earth 3,000 times or something. They should count it in something that you can actually imagine what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Really just go your share of the national debt and then have a big picture of you or just an arrow pointing at you, and then you would very much stare at that particular number.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello, Adam, Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Just tell me the truth. Do I give lousy hand jobs?

[Giovanni]

Mike Hoffman. Twitter wanted that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Lots of stuff to talk about today. No guests today, so it's good. We'll cover a lot of ground. We'll do Mr. Bright side. I have favorite tweets as well. Couple things. Couple more stories to tell you from the wedding. One thing I forgot about is I told you I had a nice long talk with Johnny Knoxville and his wife out on the patio, and then I walked back to my room, and I turn on the TV set, and I saw a scene in a movie where, you know how when you're switching around the dial and you can tell it's Mexican tv, like, something seems a little off Canadian TV as well, or Canadian tv or Christian rock, except for Spirit in the sky by Greenhouse.

[Brian Bishop]

Occasionally you can get burned by that.

[Adam Carolla]

But you kind of just stop and you go, what the hell? And it was a scene from a movie where there was a guy who was playing retarded, but he wasn't really retarded, and he saw two people making out in a movie theater, and he started really going super tartarific. And then it was smash cut to the movie where Johnny Knoxville played the retarded guy to get in the Special Olympics. And I thought, first off, wow, how'd this movie get made?

[Giovanni]

Different channels or this is the same thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Same channel. I never saw the radio in the modern era. It's a weird kind of movie to make, like circa 2006 or something. You know, it's. It seems like the kind of thing you would have made in 84 and went, Whoa, what were we thinking?

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Giovanni]

That could have been a very insightful, good movie because it was made by the Farrelly brothers, you know, from Something about Mary and Dumb and Dumber, and they do a lot of work with. A lot of work with, like, mentally handicapped people. And it could have been a really insightful movie. I think was just stupid, but it.

[Adam Carolla]

Was just weird that 10 minutes earlier we're just having a cocktail, and now he's trying to sound Retarded, but not overdo it. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Cause he's trying to be tastefully retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

Tastefully retarded, yeah. Dusting of retardation. So that was a bizarre moment. But I had to stop and watch that movie. It rarely ever gets played. I think just because it was being played on Comedy Central. God forbid they play the fucking hammer. It's never, It'll never see what. See what that did on. See what the ringer did on Rotten Tomatoes. Let's just. Let's just see.

[Brian Bishop]

I suspect with the crowd at Kimmel's wedding, you could have had a conversation with anyone and gone back to your room and found them on the dial.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pretty, pretty valid point. And either doing a movie or stand up specials, what have you. Hosting Oscars, what have you. All right, couple other things. I.

[Giovanni]

Higher than I thought, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

46% amongst the top critics, 46amongst the top. And 40amongst the others.

[Giovanni]

That's not good.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, couple things. I'll play something from Gavin Newsom because he's running the state right now. I don't know if you know it, but Jerry Brown is out of town and Bryan Cranston. So we did our fund anything video and a lot of people got a kick out of that Cranston video. And also you see the guys acting chops just at work. You know, people think you have to be thrown into a heavy role to really see some guy's chops. To me, this is a better punt, pass and kick competition of the guy's chops because he's getting serious and then he's getting straight and then he's getting goofy and then he's getting intense. We have some bonus video and I think we're going to share it with a few select people. But I'll let you guys at least hear. Doesn't do it complete justice because you need to see the look on his face and you need to see him turning red laughing. But you'll get an ide.

[Brian Bishop]

How much do we have to donate to see this?

[Adam Carolla]

I think we're doing a thing and I'm just kind of shooting from the hip here, but we're doing a thing where you send us your email or something and we'll send you this extra bonus video. But the visual's pretty damn cool. But the audio holds up pretty well as well. And I'll tell you what he's doing. If there's anything missing, you know, I don't know that I'm gonna be in the movie. I didn't come here to sell myself, but I. I did a movie called the Hammer. It was very successful independent film. I heard the Hamper was really sweet, but this is a different thing altogether. The Hammer. Oh, the Hammer. I thought it was Hamper. Wasn't it you and a baby? He's laughing. Here, I'm in a movie with you. In this town, careers can change in a blink of an eye. Yeah, we've seen yours go down. Flu, snot, out of his nose. I was gonna paint a scenario where this thing takes off, you, you know, do a couple of road hard becomes, you know, like, you know, Little Miss Sunshine or something. You know, I mean, I think you really need to paint a more plausible scenario, you know, maybe going to your. Your mailman or something and discovering new talent. Look, why don't you call that kid who played my son on Malcolm in the Middle? Freddie. What's his name? Freddie?

[Brian Bishop]

Frankie.

[Adam Carolla]

Frankie. That's right. Frankie. He's a good kid. He might do it. If you promised me an homage to Last Tango in Paris with Scarlett Johansson, the answer would still be no. Is it just you driving a car and just talking? Well, tell me about the craft service. I guess we'd get some food tax. I said no. Good. Do we have. Do you have an Emmy sitting around this house?

[Giovanni]

Take four.

[Adam Carolla]

These are the ones I just keep in the house. He's holding his Emmys. The other ones are used out in the back to hold down the boat cover. You're gonna get a younger Bryan Cranston type. I may get a better Bryan Cranston type. All right. I may have to rethink this. Please. Did you think about it? I thought about it. I'm not gonna do it. That guy was cracking me up all fucking day.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

So we didn't go through any of it. I would just throw lines. I wrote a bunch of lines down. Like, the other ones are out back holding down the boat cover and stuff like that. And then Kevin Hench would just yell the line out at him. It's usually a better way to do it. And then sort of read this and then memorize this. Just do it this way. And then he was great at parroting most of the lines back, but he came up with his own shit, too. And of course, when you told him to laugh, he just went, you know, ballistic. And then I told him, polish the Emmys with your sleeve. But then he had to dry his tears with his sleeve, too. Just guys. Just a fucking performer, man.

[Brian Bishop]

So you didn't tell him at all. What the premise was before you got there. Like, this whole thing was just when you got there.

[Adam Carolla]

I. It's. It's really the mark of a guy who gets it. That sounds stupid. You work with so many people in this business where you're really kind of surprised, like, so and so. Seems how out of it they are and just how they just go, well, just tell me, what do you want me to say? And you're like, well, what we're doing, you're trying to give them the gestalt of the thing. Because once they get what they're doing, then they can get in and then they can contribute versus just be sort of a stooge up there spitting back lines that I put into their mouth. Right. Which is what you don't want. It's still going to be good with Bryan Cranston, but you want him to understand and get involved. And I gave him sort of the. The rough outline over the phone or an email or something. But I don't. I don't think enough of myself to think that these guys really give it any thought before I show up and set up, because I'm that way with everyone and their shit. Like, remember when I did your project?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, but you were still great.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you're like, well, that's just me.

[Adam Carolla]

I count. I count upon that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I don't prepare. But I knew when I showed up, he probably. His assistant probably just told him that day. Now, don't you remember? You know, you can't go to the pitch and putt today. Remember, Adam's gonna come over for two hours and do. Oh, shit. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting side note for just sort of the contrast of you and Drew. So you guys both did my project pilot thing, and I asked if you wanted. I was talking to Matt, you know, to get you on, and I was wondering, do you want to know the premise? And either you or he said no. Whereas Drew asked. Not Drew, but person I was emailing with for Drew asked a bunch of questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, doesn't matter what the premise is. Just, you know, ask away with me.

[Giovanni]

I asked Adam to write the forward to my book, and he racially said, yeah, sure. And then I asked Drew to write a blurb for my book, and he's like, I'd like to read it first, the whole thing. I mean, you can if you want to, but Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's just saying that.

[Giovanni]

It's very polite of him to say that, but it's obviously a line blurb.

[Adam Carolla]

So I told him when we got there, there's confusion. You're a friend. You've graciously decided to help out with this fund anything video. But you didn't mean be in the movie. Of course there's confusion there. And basically, once he understood the concept of where it dawned on him that I actually thought that Bryan Cranston was gonna be in my piece of shit movie, then he had to just go to town. And the thing that was great about him is he was all over the road with it. He threw in a lot of his own shit. But also some people feel weird. Like it feels mean or mean spirited or. I don't want to come across like a. They don't throw themselves into it because they're like, I don't want.

[Brian Bishop]

They want to be likable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't want people to think I'm a dick. And it's like, first off, the ultimate likable is being funny. So just be as funny as you can be. And then secondly, the more over the top you are and the more insane it is, the more parts where, you know, you're talking about Argo winning Best Picture out of all the pictures, you know that. That just makes it more insane.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Because it's more broad.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And what a lot of people do is they. It's more farcical. Like, a lot of people look at that and go, well, I don't mind this part, but this part pushes it over the top and it's like, no, you. When you push it over the top, then it becomes. Then you get further away from it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, it's clear you're being funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Giovanni]

Think about how many actors were in his general position around that general time, the dad on a sitcom, and how many of them have faded into, I wouldn't say obscurity, but are known as the dad from that sitcom.

[Adam Carolla]

Only him and the guy from ALF really broke out.

[Giovanni]

Funny story about that. You know, that guy was like a serious actor and, like hated being on that show. Had like a mental breakdown almost.

[Brian Bishop]

Who is. I don't.

[Giovanni]

The dad from alf.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm embarrassed, but I don't. I can't picture the dad from alf.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I said the guy. You'll recognize him when you see him.

[Brian Bishop]

Willie.

[Giovanni]

Willie Tanner.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find a picture of him anyway.

[Giovanni]

But Brian Cross Branson's gone a great success because he's obviously talented and maybe some other similar type of actors who peg for the same success have gone the other way.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole thing Is when you have those kind of chops. It's like this. If you have that kind of horsepower, it can pull you out of the mire of being typecast.

[Giovanni]

You're talking about the ALF guy now, clearly. Yeah, we're on the same page.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I'm saying, like, all right, you got Johnny Depp and then everyone else from 21 Jump street and those guys are walking around town going, oh, everyone. All they want to do is do they want the guy from 21 Jump Street? And it's like, well, Depp made it out. You know what I mean? There's plenty of stories of guys going from George Clooney and Facts of Life and stuff like that. There's plenty of stories of that. But you need high octane horsepower to do that. I mean, you gotta be Johnny Depp. You've got to be Bryan Cranston, you know, Clooney. I mean, you've to be serious chops. Serious chops will pull you out. If not, you'll sort of be in that mire. Bob Denver didn't have enough horsepower to get out of the hey, little buddy role for the rest of his life. But obviously, Cranston, and soon as you see Breaking Bad or even you see this a little short, you realize immediately, oh, my God, this guy. And, you know, no rehearsal, no prep, no, oh, do it again. You know, just kind of. I asked him to do one thing again. That's what got him laughing the hardest, because as I said, I did the. That was. That was really good, Brian, but let's just do one more for safety. And he started laughing his head off like, who you fucking talking to, kid? Look, I fucked it up. You want me to do it again, I'll do it again. But don't do that. Your bullshit. That was really good. All right, I have my favorite tweets. Shall we? That. Oh, I also have a clip. Yeah, Newsom. I know people have been. Much has been made about me and Newsom arguing about check cashing places and Hispanic people not having access to checking accounts and things like that. But that was a fine debate. Although I don't know what point he made other than things have to change. Or maybe he wanted us to start a dialogue that was a version of.

[Giovanni]

What you just talked about. About, which is people are so concerned not. Well, the version of that is people are so concerned of being likable in his case, you know, being liked by the constituents. But the ultimate likability should be honesty or willingness to change or adapt or admit when you're wrong or whatever. That's the ultimate likability or just being.

[Adam Carolla]

Effective at what you do. Gavin Newsom's lieutenant governor here in California, and he's in charge now because our governor is abroad, so he's in charge.

[Giovanni]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And all the debating and argument and fun I had with Gavin Newsom, the thing that really stuck with me the most, because, as I've said many times, what we should do, what this country should do, what we should all do in a microway, but then also in a macro way, is scour the globe. We all know that thing where you make some trip to Europe, you make some trip to Japan, you make some trips to Australia or somewhere, and you.

[Brian Bishop]

Go over there, they have underwear and vending machines.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And old man can sniff them. And. No, they go like, oh, they have these things outside of the bars that have these urinals and they're like. They're three, but it's like a pod. But you turn your back and then you pee. And then people aren't pissing up the stairwells, an alley, the parking structure, stuff like that, and you go, that's a good idea. We ought to have that out here. So we should just cherry pick everyone else's good idea, since it's not copywritten or anything, and just sort of weave it and implement it into our thing. Look, whether it's a social program or whether it's just a place to piss or whether it's a new fangled stoplight, like, whatever they're doing over there, if it's working and we already let them spend the money and do the RD and experiment, well, then we should do it here.

[Giovanni]

Like a Triple A team, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Let's see who's gonna come to the show. And the fact that Los Angeles, and I feel like, pardon the pun, but the traffic has kicked into overdrive in the last, like, year and a half. Like, I've lived here my whole life, but it's really stepped up to a new plateau, which is to say there used to be traffic, but not on weekends. Now, Saturdays every bit as bad as Monday or Tuesday. There used to be traffic, but going one way on the 405, but not the. If you're going the other way, you could time it. So you go, I'll be going that way. When everyone. Now it's both ways.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it used to be that there. There was certain times of day you would try to avoid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now it's just on. And it used to be, well, we can hop on the 101. Because it's Saturday. And head out toward the. No, no, no. It's all bad. It's all the time. It's getting worse. It's a problem that affects everybody and especially, like I said, impacts Rich Whitey. And again, we're always worried about the kids and we're always worried about the indigenous people and we're always worried about the wildlife. But this one is one Rich Whitey is especially impacted by. First off, you're sitting in a car that's capable of going 185 miles an hour and you're going 2 miles an hour. 17 airbags.

[Brian Bishop]

It's an insult to your motor.

[Adam Carolla]

You're literally going to be injured by one of your airbags when somebody just plows into you. So, yeah, it's an insult to this beautiful German automobile you've built. But also the time spent just sitting there just sort of wasted. The fuel breathing fumes, the fuel that's spent. And yet we're retards about it. We do nothing about it. We have some of the worst. We have some of the worst planning I've ever seen. Everywhere, all the time. And the part that stuck out most about Gavin Newsom, even though other parts got highlighted, was when I brought up the fact that almost every other state in the Union has. If it steers, it clears, pull it over, get in a fender bender, pull it over, get off the side of the road, you're blocking up the fast lane, or worse, you're in the middle lane and there's two people standing outside the car exchanging information and you've completely gridlocked. Lock the 5 freeway and we're trying to get down to Irvine. When I brought that up to Gavin Newsom, Lieutenant Governor of California, the state with the worst traffic in the country and possibly the world, his answer was this. Where did that come from? Gavin, I'm going to lay. I was going to call this idea a million dollar idea. What is it? It's only a million. No, this is billions over the course of years. Now I'm paying attention. All right. I have been complaining a couple things. California, you complaining? I just don't understand it. If you listen, we'll solve these problems together. All right, you ready? What is it? All right. La. Horrible problem with traffic. As you. As you know, we could alleviate a lot of it, but we're stupid. What? LA is one of the dumbest cities in America. Well, every other city has a bunch of signs posted along the freeway that basically says if you can steer it, clear it, meaning if you get in a little fender bender, pull over. Hey, if your car's on fire, fine, go ahead and climb out of it. But if you just traded a little bit of paint and a little bit of the plastic on your Prius's scuff, don't get out and go all CSI on us. And block off the number three lane. Pull it off to the side of your. Blocking the freeway. I get you pull it off. All right. All the other states do it. LA and California with some of the worst traffic in the world. Interesting. Doesn't have a policy that Idaho thought of. Is that right?

[Giovanni]

This can't be the first time you've heard this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not specifically this. I just. I saw a billboard out on the 405 says, you're not stuck in traffic. And you're thinking, how the hell. What does that mean? Says you are traffic, Which I kind of like. Which sort of made the point about our own behavior. That said, all right. That said, you know, I hate the.

[Giovanni]

Block, instead of a non sequitur.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. He never heard of this. He didn't seem like he was snapping into action by any.

[Giovanni]

The worst part was he was in joke mode from the beginning. So he wasn't on board with like, oh, that's interesting. Let's talk about that. It was like, oh, Adam's a complainer. What are you talking about? He was in joke mode, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So, like, if you called him up and you went, you know, my neighborhood's been riddled with gang violence.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Adam the kidder.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam the old kidder. Get out of here. Yeah, I love those tigers. So he never heard of this?

[Giovanni]

Wasn't that shocking to you, though? He's a smart guy. Whether or not you like him or not, he's a smart guy. He's worldly, he's educated.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm starting to draw a definition between educated and smart. And in certain cases, I think education hurts. But in his case, the fact that he's lieutenant governor of California and was the mayor of a pretty big city, and this is the first he's heard of this. First off, it's not the first he's heard of it, because if someone told him six months from now, he'd tell him it was the first he's heard of it because he's just blocking it out. He doesn't give a shit. He's just brushing it off. I mean, he's like, this is a fucking freebie idea. This is a Just as easily on those freeway signs is clicketer ticket or report drunk driving could be if it steers it clear. This is a super easy thing to do. I don't like, shouldn't there be a commission of a czar of traffic where we appoint somebody and that person crunches some numbers and goes, here's what would help. Why is there what I would consider little to no interest in one of the biggest and universal, most universal problems that plagues.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I would say no interest.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they act. They don't act as if there's any interest at all.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is he laughing off? Why has he never heard of it? And then this part, why doesn't he go, fuck, I'll write that down.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. If you're a politician, you should be interested in ideas that have a lot of bang for their buck. Like you've seen with the home redecorating shows. They're like, here's how to fix up an old bathroom, put a candle and a couple of rolled up whatever. And it's like that cost $10 and now it looks great.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you watch a lot of HTTP?

[Giovanni]

I'm forced to, but yes. It's one of those ideas where it's like, this would cost the state $400,000 to outfit the freeway.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll do a better. I'll do you one better. We have the stupid shitty electronic freeway signs. At least in Los Angeles they say click it or ticket, which is completely redundant. It's built into every car and we're already doing it anyway. So all you have to do is get the guy who's on the keyboard writing click it or ticket over and over again and have him write. If it steers it clears and press send.

[Brian Bishop]

Why do they not care? Is it what you talk about? That it's a monopoly and we have to get around and we're gonna use the freeways regardless?

[Adam Carolla]

I believe that and it's sad that it's come to this point. I don't think most these guys give a flying fuck about anything else other than getting reelected and then sounding good in front of their constituency. They also care about their hair and their hair. Stuff like this falls under the heading of neither here nor hair.

[Giovanni]

It just, it's good stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not something you can brag about when you run. The next thing you can't go. You know, crime has been down for violent crime, FBI statistics, 21% since I've been on watch. School teachers down. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It doesn't prey on something where people feel fearful.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no people feeling. There's two things. It's either Shit you can brag about or shit people are scared about. So you can either go, cops, firemen, school teachers laid off in pitchforks of them, thrown into a hopper and turned into mulch. Like, there's that. And then you go, oh, shit. Or there's a part where you go, since I've been in charge, we've brought crime down and test scores up. Like, there's that part. There's those two things. This is like. I came up with this nifty little ditty that, by the way, Idaho's been doing for 26 years. So I didn't really invent it, but I did tell the guy at the computer to put it in, and I think things are better. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't do. It doesn't do shit. And the fact that people don't know it's legal to turn right is another campaign we could do. There's so many PSAs we could do involving driving that would fucking move people along. All I do is drive through this godforsaken city and watch people just sitting there at red turns, not turning right, and all the fucking. It's just. It's a fucking mess. But the idea that the politicians have no interest in this whatsoever, just zero. They laugh it off. I have tried to call and talk to these people before. The traffic errors. They want no part of it. They look at a guy like me with a hundred ideas as a fucking troublemaker. And we don't need you involved with this. And yet they do like to do those things where, like, Villa Tardo would go. I've synchronized. We're the first city in the world, you know, to synchronize all. Yeah, but they're gridlocked. The entire city's gridlocked, so who cares if they're synchronized? Not the Italian Job. All right. Yeah, it was.

[Giovanni]

How fast we'd get around.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's. Let's do a little Mr. Bright side, shall we? Why don't we do that and I'll tell you about DraftKings while we're. Life got you down? Can't catch a break. Thinking about ending it all. Well, don't let Adam turn your frown upside down. It's time for Mr. Brightside. By the way, speaking of Brightside, US, New York City, five shows coming up. Nikki Glaser's going to be there, Dave Attell, Judah Friedlander, Artie Lang. Thursday is pretty sold out, but tickets for Fridays and Saturday if you want to come and press the flesh.

[Giovanni]

Oh, God. Sorry. Yeah, we're flying there right now. If people are listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, if they're listening. Yeah. And like I said, peek behind the curtain. See how the fudge is packed. All right, let's talk to. Who do you guys. You guys like anybody out there?

[Brian Bishop]

I like number five.

[Adam Carolla]

Number five. Let's talk to Drew. Drew. 24. Drew? Drew from 24? From California. All right, let's go New York, because we're coming to New York. Hey, Craig. Hey. Fuck Drew. I'm here. Yeah, fuck Drew. That's a New York attitude. You know what I miss? I don't get so much anymore. Hey, listen, I'm from New York. You don't come at me. They used to do that all the time. I don't get that anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is everyone still.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, what's up with that? Craig?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, Craig, you coming out? You coming out to see us? Where you coming? Work. Coming. Oh, he's stoned. We're coming. No, that's my problem. All right, listen, we're coming to Caroline's. Want to come out and say hi? Oh, yeah, well, that's about five hours away, but I'm down. I need to. For you, Adam. All right. Where you at? I'm an upstate New York roch. Just come by Buffalo. Okay. What's happening? Sitting over here sweating my ass off, man. AC just broke like a heat wave in New York right now. I don't get what's going on. It's usually not this hot. Yeah, I know. So what's happening? Not much. And I'm fucking stressing because I got no weed and my weed man's out of town. It's just a shitty night. Where's your. Where's he at? Epcot Center?

[Giovanni]

Where's Dawson?

[Adam Carolla]

Where's your weed man? And by the way, when weed man leaves, weed man needs to put a pumpkin filled with weed out on his porch. You know, like they do on Halloween when they're not going to be around. Yeah, exactly.

[Giovanni]

Please take just one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Just one doobie. That's fucking hilarious. So you're stressed out because you don't have the herb? Yeah, I'm hot and stressed. I'm hot and bothered, Adam. I figured you would know a lot about that back in the day. Yeah, being hot. You know what? Being hot sucks because it's hard to escape it, like, once it's on and once it's in you. And then once your core gets sort of. Your core temperature gets to a certain. Rises up to that certain thing. And for me, you know, remember in Forrest Gump, when what's her name. Went back to that weird house her dad, like, raped her in or something instead of throwing rocks at it. That's the way I feel about the sun.

[Giovanni]

Sometimes there aren't enough rocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like the house my dad raped me in because. No, I mean, I'm serious now. I know. Look, I'm gonna try to make you feel better by how fucking miserable I was, all right? I grew up in North Hollywood, which is not as humid, but gets every bit as hot, maybe hotter. I mean, it'll get up to 100 in the San Fernando Valley. I lived in a house that was built, like 1889. It had no air conditioning, no central. There was one in the window, which was in my stepdad's room. And it would buzz away, but it was a great distance away from where I lived. I would then alternate. Here was my air conditioning. I want you to hear. God damn it. I'm going through my air conditioning history, and this is it. I'm a fan, Adam. I know. Trust me. Start out.

[Giovanni]

That's the way you play the game.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't worked this one out in a while. Start out my mom's piece of shithouse that she's still in right now. My grandmother's second house. $10,000 in North Hollywood. No air conditioning in my room, in my stepdad's room, wall unit. No central air. Then I went. I went from there to my dad's A frame piece of shit, where I went up to the attic, actually, to die. I think he put me up there to cure me like meat. No fucking ventilation. Top of an A frame. No insulation, no ventilation, no ac. And it's fucking brutal. Like when you ever walk.

[Brian Bishop]

Child abuse.

[Adam Carolla]

It is when you walk into an attic. Yeah, no, I know. Someone said that to my dad. They said, that's child abuse. He said, I have a kid. Yes, he's upstairs.

[Brian Bishop]

That rustling is upstairs.

[Adam Carolla]

Dehydrated. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

So making Adam jerky.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder who those little underpants were. So then I went from there to my dad's new house in North Hollywood that had central heat, but still no central air.

[Giovanni]

Insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had the fan in my room. Then I moved from there into the garage with no air. Then I lived in the garage for a couple years. Then I moved to my first apartment in North Hollywood. Upstairs, facing the west. No trees, no air. Then I moved from across the street in that place to a house in North Hollywood. No air. Then I think I rented a room and a house in the hills for about six weeks. And that house did have air, but it was probably during the winter months. Then I moved to a place in North Hollywood. Oh, I think that did have air. I was living my stripper girlfriend. Then I moved to Santa Monica. Didn't have air.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it true that you don't need it in Santa Monica? Because that's what they want. That's what they keep saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever number they give you, they go, we don't have air. But you only need it like four days. Put a zero behind whatever number.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? Only 40 days of the year.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's the rule of thumb. What the landlord says you only need about three days out of the. Put 10 behind that. But generally not as bad. But then I move to La Crescenta, and La Crescenta is foothills, like Pasadena. And that was brutal. That was no heat and no air. And by the way, this entire time, drove pickup trucks with no air and a Zuzu Trooper with no air. Though I never owned a car that had air in it until I was like, 32. And I never lived in a place that had air from zero to about 32. I probably had about 11 months of air conditioning, all in the fucking San Fernando.

[Brian Bishop]

What did you do when you were hot? Take off all your clothes and put your face in a freezer?

[Adam Carolla]

Nope. Here's what I would do. One of my main moves. And I run hot. I sweat a lot. I just generally run hot. What I would do is at my dad's house, there was a pool. Neighbor pool to the left, neighbor pool to the right, neighbor pool behind. So it was basically my dad's house surrounded by, literally, a moat of other people's pools. I would get up at night, dodge the massive outdoor cockroaches that come out when it's like. You know, when it's that thing where it's like 96 degrees outside and it's 1am I would hop over the fence. I would lower myself into the neighbor's pool who had a dog. I would hold myself underwater for as long as I could take it, trying to sort of lower the core down. Like, you know, when you boil an egg or the pot is still hot even though it's running under the cold water. I would just hold myself under the water for as long as I could. And then I would get out as quietly as I could, hop over the fence, jump onto my bed, and turn the fan on full. When I lived in apartments, I would just take full cold showers and then just dive onto the bed with the oscillating fan. So when it gets hot, I get depressed because I start thinking about all those shitty houses and all the shitty days, sense memory and my stupid ass fucking parents who never went like, maybe the kid needs an air conditioner in that room.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, do you actually get more depressed in the summertime? Because I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I do.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, when it's hot out, I want to die.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a very.

[Brian Bishop]

But look on the bright side, by.

[Adam Carolla]

The way, you dress all in black too. That's not helping.

[Brian Bishop]

I will not give in to this bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to. And I don't know if you guys ever had this, but I used to have a wave of depression that came upon me every Sunday night.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I always used to think about school. And then it went from school to super shitty job that started at 7am picking up trash on a construction site. So I was like, and by the way, you think it's hot? Like I got a car with no air. It's hot. Or I work in this warehouse and there's no air in the back or something. It's hot. Go up on the roof and work. That's where it gets hot. Start stripping, you know, tar paper. That's when it gets hot. All right, so cry me a fucking river of sweat, Craig. Don't feel sorry for you. Hope that helped.

[Giovanni]

That is the opposite of how the game is played.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Now would weed help you when you're really hot? I feel like it could make it worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Cold one.

[Brian Bishop]

Roll of the dice.

[Adam Carolla]

You need a cold one, my friend. Adam, 27, South Dakota. Hey, Ace Corolla. I got quite the story for you. All right, So I own my own business. It's a shaved ice business. And so I got a mobile shaved ice truck and I pulled a real stupid one. I leave her plugged in, of course, to keep the ice cold in the freezer. And I headed to my first event and forgot to unplug it. And so the cord ran underneath my garage and unplugged itself, but got caught on the garage door. From there, the mail piece popped off. And then I proceeded to go down the driveway where my electrical cord had wrapped around my axle a few times. So I paid two grand and $400 to fix it. He pulled out with the cord still plugged in, wrapped around the axle, pulled the mail side off the extension cord, which caught onto the garage and cost a couple grand to repair the truck. Yeah, pulled the electrical equipment right out of the truck. And not the greatest thing. All right, but here's the thing. You had the pleasure of doing this to yourself. You raped yourself with your own plunger.

[Giovanni]

You are rusty.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. But hold on. You know how unsatisfying it is for me. I know. I'm turning this into me. For me, it's all about other people doing this shit, and then I have to pay to fix it. And it was usually at some point, there were three conversations about make sure the shaved ice thing is unplugged and the cord is wrapped up and hanging where it belongs before you pull the truck out. Then it happens. Then I end up paying for it. At least you got to do it.

[Brian Bishop]

You're right. No one mistreated him here. Yeah, that's wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, you know that thing where you. You see your car door and there's a big ding in it, and you're like, oh, fuck. Three months old. I just parked it. I. You know, versus you opening it and banging into a parking meter? Like, at least that's you. At least you had the satisfaction of fucking that up. And you don't. And there is a. There. Hold on. There's a big difference. There is, because psychologically, when you see the little ding, or if somebody says, what happened there? And by the way, to the people who look at the side of the door with the ding in it and go, what happened here? A meteor hit the car. Well, what happened is I was driving in Arizona, and I hit something called the Grand Canyon. I tumbled down the side of it and I land in a ravine. Killed an Indian.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Oh, was that the imprint of the Indian's head?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's how I got the ding. That's how I got the ding there. Yes. Dances with dings, like, listen, Dick, who asks these questions? First off, somebody opened their car door into my car door, or I did something stupid. What do you need to know other than you're reminding me of the ding in my new car and making me feel shitty and I don't know what information you're gleaning. Well, I'll be clean.

[Brian Bishop]

That's not gonna be satisfying.

[Adam Carolla]

When I get home, I'm gonna remove the doors from my vehicle because I shan't have this happen to me. Shut up. Who the fuck are these people? You know, these are the same people. Want to know what happened with your zit? You know, you get that? How'd I get it? Well, I was. You know, I was walking down Melrose, I saw hobo with an attractive zit. So I asked. I gave him $5. He said no, so I said 10. A bidding war broke out. Eventually Gave me his unsightly zit, I.

[Giovanni]

Rubbed my head against his, and 20 minutes later.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. This. Yeah. I have this thing where I sleep with a. I take a canned ham out and I duct tape it to my forehead before I go to bed. And on Wednesday, I woke up with this.

[Brian Bishop]

So you think it's related?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a zit, asshole. What do you mean, where'd I get it? How'd I get it? The fuck you. I got a ding in the side of my door. Fuck you. What's this? What happened here? Who are those fucking people? And it's like they're interested or trying to help, but really all they're doing is dragging you back. And that. There's two stories. The two stories are I'm a fucking idiot. I pulled in and there was, like, a parking thing, and you know how they're lower than the window and I didn't see it, and I opened the door and the thing banged right in. There's that. There's the I'm the idiot story, or fuck humanity story. Like, I went to the fucking Costco, the car was two weeks old, and I found this. Boom. You know, it's one or the other. Anyway, at least you got to fuck yourself in this horrible world. Is it kind of like F me money, but F me thinking? Yeah. Well, two things. You're not going to do it again. You got that out of your system. And it's a teachable. It's a teachable moment. It's a teachable experience. You learned it. But like I said, in a world where everyone is fucking with everyone else's shit, you got to do this shit to yourself, all right? Where'd you get that black guy? I punched myself in the face.

[Giovanni]

That was better than the first one. Your Mr. Brightside muscles have atrophied significantly.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll see if I can help with Drew. Drew? Uh. Oh, I turned something down. Go ahead, brother. Hey. So I basically spent the last four to five years of my life working towards being a doctor and had the GPA for it, had the mcat, didn't get in. Got Wales at about five schools. All right, so you had the test scores, and you had the GPA and the test score, but you didn't get into any school you applied to? No, I got lots of good interviews, got wait listed. Genius. Now I'm spending a year doing fruit fly research. All right, hold on. Another year to improve. Turn your fucking computer down, you cretin. Where's my English girlfriend? Internet call. How about out Here how cretins work out. Yeah, they call cretins cretins.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, Is there a robot?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, I'm putting them on hold. I'm going to have a seizure. Yeah, they say cretin. All right, you're ahead of the game because you're 24 years of age and you've gone through school and you passed your MCAT or your LC SAD or whatever the hell that are. And fruit flies. Fruit flies are weird. We research them all the time. They're really random. A lot of reproduction stuff. A lot of fruit fly stuff. I don't know. You know, I don't like the idea that basically rats and fruit flies are what we seem to have the most in common with. Yeah, I would like to, you know, I'd like to have stuff in common with, like, a rhino and a dolphin.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, pick a cool animal. Great white shark. You know, I'd like someone going, you know, we're like, same DNA as a great white shark and a cheetah combined. It's like if you took a cheetah and a great white shark and an orca whale and a koala bear and you put them all in a Cuisinart, that's basically us. But we have fruit fly. Fruit flies, all they do is annoy and then they die. They're just born. They annoy and then they die.

[Giovanni]

I think it's because their life cycle is so fast, is why they study them.

[Adam Carolla]

But also, they don't weigh enough to ever kill them. No one's ever had the satisfaction killing you. You shoo them and you hit them and they sort of blow. It's. It's. It's like trying to punch pollen.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't do damage. Mike Tyson, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Like trying to suffocate a dandelion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Pollen laughs at Mike Tyson. There's nothing you can do.

[Giovanni]

Bring it on. Iron Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That is your real name.

[Giovanni]

Come on, champ.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Where was I? So he's studying fruit flies. Well, good news is, like I said, 24, way ahead of the game. Plenty. Plenty educated. You'll be an expert on fruit flies. And the fruit fly thing's a whole mating thing. I think there's a lot of mating stuff, and that's a good line. Hey, Drew. Drew. Yeah. What are you studying about the fruit fly diet and lifespan? Diet.

[Brian Bishop]

Diet.

[Adam Carolla]

So we feed them different old shit, left out, high protein and low protein. Why do we study diet on the fruit flies? Why do we study fruit Flies so closely. Brian is right. Short lifespan. So if you extend it like this one lived an extra eight minutes. Wow. Alright, that's it. All right. All right, let's do one more.

[Giovanni]

Let's get back to the part where I was right.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian's right.

[Brian Bishop]

From someone who didn't get into medical school.

[Adam Carolla]

Andrew. Yeah. Well, there is, there is an adage or something, the lifespan of a fruit fly or something, is there not?

[Giovanni]

I've not heard that.

[Brian Bishop]

I think so. It's ringing a bell.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll see. We'll check it. Andrew. 28. Yes. Ohio. What's up? What's up? Ace, man, how are you? Hey, Allison. Brian. Love you guys. Well, Ohio's had lots of heavy rains the past few weeks and my house was built in the 50s and we've had some issues in the past, so we decided to have somebody come out and take a look at the basement. It's going to be like $17,000. Our main wall in the back is bowing in. We've got tons of cracking and the foundation is just crumbling and shit. Fucking sucks. All right. I'm going to make it feel real good. Real good. Are you renting? So are you 28? Are you renting that home? Oh, no, it's. We bought it. It's actually my grandma built the house in the 50s and when she got Alzheimer's and moved into the home, we bought it from her estate. And we are just now, actually probably within the next payment or two going to finally have some fucking equity in the house. All right. With the market going down, we're like just about breaking even and not looking forward to the 17,000 that we're gonna have to pay to put into the basement. Understood. But Andrew, my buddy Ray, who I do ace on the house with, or as my dad calls it, ace on the roof, is now turned 50 years of age and still lives in an apartment. Many, many a person who I know and who I went to high school with is still dwelling in an apartment. And then the worst, the guys who lived in a house for a while then got divorced in our apartment. The fact that you are a homeowner well before the age of 30 is pretty fucking good in this economy and in this country. So anybody? Look, the fact that you're having problems with your home is in fact a good sign. You've not yet seen your 30th birthday and you own a home. Fair enough. Now part of owning a home is putting money into your home and that sucks. But that's just one of those Necessary evils. But it's still a hell of a lot better than not putting money into the apartment that you're renting. So you're a homeowner and you've not yet seen your 30th birthday. I would call that a success and nothing to complain about. All right, well, I will drink a homebrew to celebrate. That does help me out a lot. Thank you. Thank you. Might I suggest a Mangria? Well, I would if I could get it in Ohio without paying the crazy shipping. Yeah, I know. We're trying to get it, trying to get distribution everywhere, but everywhere's mobbed up. Everywhere's a pain in the ass. Booze, man. It's one of those. All right, now I'm gonna start complaining. Do we have an outro? I think I won out strong with him.

[Brian Bishop]

I think. I think you did, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I felt better.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel better? Yeah. Good. Thank you, Mr. Brightside. And now it's time for Allison Rosen and the News. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Alison Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

So Rolling Stone magazine put Boston Bomber Dharhar Tsarnaev on the COVID And people are freaking out. Have you seen this, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, it's very.

[Brian Bishop]

It looks like the sixth stroke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it really does. And it's. I saw the. I saw it. And all I could do is sort of picture that Jim Morrison cover with his shirt off and the beads.

[Brian Bishop]

The one that Mimi Rogers took.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And it's supposed to look all cool and everything. Now, I oftentimes think about this kind of stuff, and I think, all right, when somebody does a sort of, I don't know, social faux pas or what have you. Again, I don't mind jokes at all. I do mind jokes or attention or whatever you want to call it when there's fresh dead bodies. I just don't like that part when Alec Baldwin wants to call his daughter whatever he wants to call his daughter, I never give a shit about that because she's rich, she's beautiful, and she can look forward to an amazing life. But these kind of things. Thank you. These kind of things piss me off. And then I also think about the victims. Like, you know, there's some. I don't know, Was there a 3 year old killed or whoever? There was a little kid that was killed that little Kid has parents. That little kid's mom is going to just be, you know, leaving a therapist appointment and going to the supermarket where the therapist told her, you know, don't think about it. Don't engage in, you know, don't go on the Internet, look at pictures. Just get back to normal life. Go, go hit the Vons and buy some produce or something. And then she.

[Brian Bishop]

A terrible therapist, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Go. And she passed.

[Brian Bishop]

Think about it. Hit the volume.

[Adam Carolla]

Suicide and. But you imagine the mother of the kid that was killed walking and seeing this all over town.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's what I'm trying to figure out. Though it's not uncommon that his picture would be on the COVID of a magazine. You know, Osama was on the COVID of magazines like we're used to that. We're used to seeing bad people on the COVID of magazines. But there's something different about the Rolling Stone cover. And let's analyze it.

[Adam Carolla]

What is.

[Brian Bishop]

Looks like it's celebrating him.

[Giovanni]

I was just gonna say the same thing. If this had been the COVID of Time or Newsweek, we wouldn't really care. Would be newsworthy. But is it the overstepping of the social boundary or the social role like Rolling Stone isn't the magazine to put.

[Adam Carolla]

Him on the couch. Yeah, news is news and this is art and entertainment. And I don't know why he's on there.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, this is where Rolling.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I believe is going on in this day and age where people have to be savvy to this kind of thing by now. Especially, you know, this isn't Reader's Digest or Red Book or something. This is a cutting edge, hip, whatever, who has horrible lists of best bands. But either way, they know what's gonna go on. They know there's gonna be buzz. They know we are gonna get sucked in and every other news agency is gonna get sucked into talking about it. And thus it will be a victory for them.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. This is what they said. They said Rolling Stone. Sorry. They say that this is part of Rolling Stone's longstanding commitment to serious and thoughtful coverage of the most important political and cultural issues of our day. And they also went on to say that his age, it relates so closely to the age of their readers. Which, by the way, my reaction to that is like they're just trying to tout their demo whether it's true or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I mean, but the thing is, they do do in depth political stories inside the magazine, but there's something about the way that the COVID is shot that makes it look like he's a band in a band.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's, it's, it's, it's like art directed. Like it's not just a stark shot of him. It is, it is worked in a way that makes that is poster esque material. And with our, I mean, I beat off to it with our. Roll it up or just uh.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah, to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Different. Yeah, to it. I gotcha. Not with it. Then we're so fucked up that a couple of things and you know, I don't want to come across like old man Pops Corolla, but here goes. You blow up citizens that are out running a marathon and you'll get on the COVID of Rolling Stone. I mean, there is a message being sent here with these guys. You'll be two things. Bad news is you'll be incarcerated. The good news is you'll be fending off marriage proposals and you might make the COVID of the Rolling Stone. That is not, that's not a good thing. I don't like the fact that history remembers these guys, knows these guys. We recognize these guys. I mean, you think about all the people that have done all the great things and all the altruistic endeavors and given and stuff, they're nameless and faceless and they just go off and they just fade into history. And then this guy's on the COVID of Rolling Stone.

[Brian Bishop]

And it look, it's lookism as well. Because if he had, if he wasn't so damn cute, he wouldn't be on.

[Adam Carolla]

The COVID No, no. Yeah, I'll, I'll think of his name. I'll think of his name.

[Brian Bishop]

The Virginia Tech shooter.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Although, you know, he could have been helped a little.

[Giovanni]

What were you saying? I'm sorry, I was editing a drop.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about the guy who they, they accused of planting the bomb at the 96 Atlanta.

[Giovanni]

Richard Jewell.

[Adam Carolla]

Jewell, yeah. Jewell was not cover material. He did not make the COVID Richard Jewell did not make the cut.

[Giovanni]

He was the COVID of Husky Men's Weekly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's on the back page of Bear magazine. So, yeah, Richard Jewell did not make it. And, oh, now I'm triply pissed because I just sat back and thought about it. Now we're gonna have to check this out, but I'm almost sure of it. It's going to be a tough conversation to broach with Graham Parker and John Hyatt, but my two favorite artists of all time, Graham Parker and John Hyatt, who've written hundreds and thousands of songs and been Playing their, applying their craft for the last 35 years have never made a cover of this. And this 19 year old piece of shit is on the COVID It's interesting. It is insane that your favorite band may have never made the COVID of Rolling Stone. But he did. All right, fine.

[Brian Bishop]

Villaragosa is making his first foray into the private sector. He is now the strategic advisor at the bank of America. It's a part time position.

[Adam Carolla]

Strategic advisor.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I'm being honest when I say that I don't know all the ins and outs of the man, other than he has a personality disorder and probably a learning disorder. Because if you ever hear him speak and when people do that thing where they go, well, he just doesn't speak off the cuff. He's not good. When you ask him questions and things, that means stupid for the most part. I don't know smart people that have difficulty speaking. Yeah, no, you know, these guys, they need the teleprompter fired up. But yeah, Jimmy Kimmel uses cue cards. But Jimmy Kimmel's very smart, funny and lucid when he doesn't have cue cards.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, okay, now where do you put the younger Bush? Because that's what people would say about him. But then I remember getting talking to a friend of mine who's like, but the fact that people think he's stupid, there's no merit to think that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he was. There's a couple of things with him. You know, he was an aviator and we can check the details of that. But he did fly military aircraft. And in order to fly a military aircraft, you've got to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Be a good conversationalist.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to do some learning. I mean, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta get the gear up and read the gauges and get the gear down and get the flaps to 12 degrees and blah, blah, blah. I mean, you can't be stupid. It's this thing. Yeah, I went to Yale, but I mean, see, we do this thing where we just go, oh, well, you know, daddy got him right through there and you know, made a couple of phone calls on it. I don't think you can be. I don't. It's not, it's not the same stupid yardstick that you use to measure other people in your life, right? It's like you wish the President was smarter. And maybe you're using a stick that you used on Kennedy and Lincoln, but not the ones you went to high idiots you went to high school with, right? He went to Yale and he flew Corsairs or whatever the Fuck. He flew in the military, so cannot be dumb. Dumb.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, right. But he had that thing where he would put his foot in his mouth quite a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

But Viragosa doesn't put his foot in his mouth. He just goes. He does ah. Like he really doesn't speak. Yeah, I think whoever this is just wanted to get like a Hispanic guy on the board somewhere and do something.

[Brian Bishop]

He's planning to reveal his salary or how his compensation would be structured. He says that it will not be a day to day proposition, or he's a proposition, but I feel like position is what he means. And he said that he was intrigued by the opportunity to figure out how to provide greater access to home loans and communities hit hard by the recession.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, nobody. I mean, look, what you're looking for, first and foremost in that position is a guy who is banging a Telemundo reporter and failed the bar four times. I mean, that's. I've worked.

[Brian Bishop]

Check, check.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gosh, I've been in a bank or been behind the scenes. A bank where, like, we need someone to give economic help to cities and neighborhoods that have been hit hardest by the economy over the last few years. Find me someone who's failed the bar four times. That's always the decree that goes out. Now, sometimes they'll have to make do with a guy who failed the bar.

[Brian Bishop]

Twice, and they just hope that he has.

[Adam Carolla]

Just hope he has what it takes to bring it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he acts like a guy who's failed at four times. That's what they hope for. But it's a gamble, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he should take another pass at the bar. I feel like the fifth time would be the charm for him, like out.

[Giovanni]

Of the blue, like just the next time it comes around.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why not?

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like he's got the free time to brush up now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you're saying study first, like take it seriously. I thought you were just saying, like, pop into an exam one day and see how he does.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe they'll just come back to him and it's just a big rush, you know, but either way, never passed it. And I like the idea where he was going to be Secretary of Transportation. He's an imbecile. And a lot of these guys, you just go, well, they're calculating and they're not stupid, but they're like Gavin Newsom. They're totally non committal. They'll never say anything, and they're scared that they're being recorded, so they'll never attempt to fix anything. Because attempting to fix something means putting your neck out a little bit, and no one wants to stick their neck out at all. But this man has a personality issue, and let's hope he's never employed anywhere in California again. Other than that, I have no feelings about him.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I was thinking? There used to be characters in movies who worked at the bank, and I'm thinking specifically of Mary Poppins. There's no movies now where the dad works at a bank, are there?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. There's a couple things. Too much baggage ever since the Occupy Wall street thing came around. And also there was the guy who worked at the bank, the Mr. Mooney type who worked at the bank, who seemed to kind of own the bank. And then there was the super low end guy like Jim Carrey in the Mask.

[Giovanni]

Right. Or Gremlins. Coming from Gremlins.

[Adam Carolla]

Worked at the bank. You know, pushing papers and having old ladies come in and wanting to get loans. Looking a great picture of Vera Ghost. I'm hoping.

[Brian Bishop]

And Gavin Newsom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Kelly Ripa's husband.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, now, who are these two hunks in the middle?

[Adam Carolla]

When I see a fire truck and I see guys with their. They're probably doing a calendar shoot. I'm guessing it's Gay Pride Parade. Yeah, I was gonna say, but they're wearing. They're both wearing firemen stuff.

[Giovanni]

Oh, what a shock for gay men.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Anyway, that'll bounce a budget. Here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

Ariel Castro, man who kidnapped and tortured those three women for years and years in Cleveland.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna be on the COVID of the Rolling Stone next month.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh. Something to add to that story, though. The Rolling Stone story is that CVS and Tedeschis and a few other places have said they won't sell that magazine, but everyone is talking about it. Yeah, like you said, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when's the last time the role. I just don't feel like that magazine's even relevant anymore. Sorry, David Wild. I just get pissed off when Prince gets into top two or something of greatest artists of all time, and I never bring it up anymore, but now we are, so mission accomplished. This guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he pleaded not guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. How's that work? He just says, that wasn't me, or those bitches are lying, or how's that work?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he hasn't said any more than not guilty yet. It's just he entered a not guilty plea, and the judge had to ask him to raise his head and open his eyes repeatedly in the brief court appearance, and he said he was trying. And she said, I just want to make sure that you're listening to me and understanding what I'm saying. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like while there are parts of enslaving a couple of women in my basement that sound intriguing to me, it's sort of like owning a llama. Cool. But more trouble than it's worth.

[Brian Bishop]

Like having a llama by the tail.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it sounds all right. I get it. But then there's that part of the constant threat of escape and running down the street having feed and. Yeah. What happens when you get him pregnant? Like, I mean, it's just. Yeah, it's llamas. Right. It's kind of a full time gig. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And three.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's a lot. He should be killed. Allegedly. It'd be nice. It'd be nice if we just fucking killed this guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Which are the parts of it that appeal to you.

[Giovanni]

But wait till after the trial because there's a lot that's gonna come out that's fucked up. This is gonna be weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, having a gal, having a bevy of gals, you know, small harem that you can, you know, engage in sexually with. Sexually, you know, when you're feeling right. Like one of those Cialis commercials.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

With a moment. Something sounds vaguely, you know, appealing to that. But again, the work, the maintenance, you know, and just I don't feel like I'd ever get a good night's sleep. Even now, you know, I roll around.

[Brian Bishop]

Did I lock the door?

[Adam Carolla]

Is a microwave door open? Yeah, shit like that, you know, I don't want that light on all night that's burning kilowatts, you know what I'm saying? Where's Molly? She at the foot of the bed. Oh, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

How many knots did I tie?

[Adam Carolla]

I had a great. Like one of those 5am Lynette did the. I'm taking Molly to the vet. And I did the. No, no, because I have two. My note, my nose a two fold. No, one is. It's 5am the other fold is my bill fold, which is like. No, they charge more for the. Not the middle of the night. No, no. Take the primered van I bought for taking Molly to the vet. Don't use the leash. Use a lamp cord. Put a bandana around her neck and muss yourself up. You're streetwalker found this dog under a bridge. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

What was wrong with her?

[Adam Carolla]

Molly is coming undone. She is the sweetest dog in the world. But she's 10 years old. She's got tumors. She's got cancer. She's got one ear missing. She's got this growth on her chest. She has one ear that is left, should be removed. It's like she's got some infections flapping around on it. She's panting all night. She's old. She's just coming undone. And because she's a dog, what takes in people a number of years seems to be happening almost overnight. You look at her and she's just physically weak looking and she's old. And you know, to say my wife loves her more than me is. I mean, it's. I don't know if I'd call it fair, a fair statement, but certainly outwardly worries. More affectionate. When she's leaving for Florida for five days, there's 25 decrees about Molly. There's nothing that says, I made you pan a lasagna. There's more. Give her shots, give her pills, take her a walk. Tell me, don't forget this, don't forget that. Make sure she has water upstairs. So Lynette is in love with this dog, has always been in love with this dog. And I think it's breaking her heart and driving her nuts. And then it gets to this point where, like, what do you do? Does she have another complicated, expensive surgery? Or you just let her sort of, you know, what do you have left? Do you have six months left or a year left? Do you just sort of ride out the string with her and let her just sort of pass? And then there's this part where you literally. I mean, it is one of these things. I'd love to go to Third Worlds and explain to them what we spend on our fucking pets and make them. It'd be the opposite of Mr. Brightside. I go to Rwanda, I go to Darfur and go, what do you got here? Like, how much for the hut? How much for the water buffalo? Uh huh. I got, I got 18 grand sunk into this dog. Like, I literally, I talk to my friends. They have dogs that are. A dog that has, you know, my Kevin Hench's dog has like on five medications and a heart medication and whatever. And my dog's diabetic. I have to give it shots every night. I mean, it's fucking thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars. I keep this thing with this sense going.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you do. I was gonna say, I don't know if you have this, but I think you do. With this sense that you might be being taken for a ride by the vet.

[Adam Carolla]

I never fully. I mean, it is special Food, it is special medication, money is no object. It's never even talked about. It's procedure after procedure. Nothing is ever. Everything's a 50, 50 chance it's gonna work out, but there's never a 50, 50 chance you're gonna pay them and then they're gonna die. The question is, do they die in four months? Do you put this off? Do you kick this can down the road? And when I say kick it, I mean take a golden boot and fill it with Cougarons and kick that can down the road and get another two years out of the mud.

[Brian Bishop]

What are you leaning towards? Are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. No, I just know that at 5am when the wife announces I'm going to the vet, I just go, Just fucking just leave her. Just like, you know, give her some water. Like, don't go to the vet. Anyway, other than that, everything's awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I had a question from before, when we were talking about the pluses and minuses of having three women in your basement. Where do you guys stand on threesomes? Because what I have heard is that it seems like a good idea in theory, but then when you get down to it, it's just all these extra parts you have to deal with.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's one of these things that you'd like to say you did. You'd like, you've got a bucket. Fuck it. List. Max. Apata's nodding over there, but you'd like. You like.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't even want to know why.

[Adam Carolla]

You'D like to say you did it. And then, then everyone says, wasn't that great? And then, then you moved on. I want to know the Elite Club. Who's. I'd like to know. Like, like, to me, there's a. It's a sort of a pyramid shape. Like, how many people historically have had threesomes? Like, all right, 9% of the population has had a threesome, but how about a foursome? You know what I mean? Oh, interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd like to see the shape of that graph.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be a crazy graph because by the time you got to like 9 to 1, it'd just be like crazy. Crazy. Be way less than 1/10 of 1% of guys. And then I'd kind of like, technically know. I'd like to know the non porn version, like the naturally occurring 26 to 1. And I know historically, and I'm not talking consensual.

[Brian Bishop]

You mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like you can't be some pharaoh who's gonna throw somebody into a Pit of lava if they don't suck your dick. Well, that'd be nice, but you could.

[Brian Bishop]

Be pretending to be.

[Adam Carolla]

But one where just. I'm talking rock and roll, you know what I mean? Like, I'm just talking about party. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Plaster caster style.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like one man. One man orgy.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Literally one guy. You're not about like six guys, six girls.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm not. I'm talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

He thought of your.

[Giovanni]

That's what I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's an orgy. But no, this becomes a de facto orgy. De sacto orgy. Which is. All right, so every dude's been with a dude and then every fifth dudes done the threesome thing, but then the foursome thing and that, that throws it way off, like almost immediately. There's a big skip there between the two chicks and then the three chicks. And then once you get to like nine chicks, you can count on him.

[Brian Bishop]

Foursome. And I just think of two swinging couples.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry, that's different. The three. I'm trying to keep it all chicks here just for the. For the sake of fantasy.

[Giovanni]

You're getting into rock star territory. I think, I think it's only the David Lee Ross of the world. Yeah, I used him as an example, but you know what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I'd just like to know how many Americans in like the modern era.

[Giovanni]

Ooh, crack houses. This is a rich man, poor man, by the way, the five way. With one guy, five girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You think there's a lot of that in crack houses?

[Giovanni]

Well, drug dealer types who got the girls strung out, who will do anything for crack or heroin or whatever the thing is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Giovanni]

I'm making this up my head.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. All right. But I think we can all agree the graph after three would drop dramatically and by the time he got to seven, it'd be almost non existent. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And you know, my fear would be that it. It would be the kind when you finally see what that person looks like, you'd shudder because it would be one of those people who's into larping and has long hair and doesn't groom but is like totally into his own sexuality.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The main dude wears a very loose fitting bathrobe that comes up shorty robe, kimono style bathrobe. All right, what else we got? What the hell are we talking about? Ah, Hulu. That's what we're talking about. Hulu plus. You want to watch some tv? Yeah, me Too. It's my love. It's my third. It's my third kid. It's my TV set, man. Hulu plus gives you total control of thousands of TV shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Favorite current shows, Parks and Rec, Community, Modern Family, our own Jimmy Kimmel Live. How about that? How about classics? The show. Reruns of classic tv. Yep. You can use Hulu Plus. Use it on TV game consoles and Blu Ray players. Roku, Roku, Apple tv. You can watch anywhere you want on your smartphone, your tablet. Just $7.99 a month, my listeners, they get a special extended free trial. That's right. Try it for free. Try it for free. Boom, boom, boom. Try an extended free trial. Just go to huluplus.com adam or click the hulu plus [e-mail] all right. What do we got, baby?

[Brian Bishop]

The Glee Project, the reality competition series on Oxygen, will not be coming back for a third season, and they're saying it has nothing to do with the passing of Cory Monteith.

[Adam Carolla]

Has Glee. The show lost some momentum just in general. I can't figure out if the shows are still going on and we just stopped.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, right. Like Gossip Girl. You probably don't know about this, Adam, but Gossip Girl went on, on and on. At a certain point, I wondered, who's still watching this besides me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Know what I was thinking about? I was having a kind of a semi gay thought the other night, and I was laying around on my bed and I was thinking, you know, Grease. And then the soundtrack and the sort of karaoke version. And then just the soundtrack and the. The show and the television, the movies on TV all the time. It just endures. It just is. It's ubiquitous. It just continues. It keeps going. And like, my daughter knows songs from Greece and every little kid friend. We're going on something that's, you know, 30 years old, more than 30 years old now, and it's just. It's ubiquitous. It's. Every time there's karaoke, some girls get up there and do the summer lovin thing, and it's always there. What's dropped off and is completely, almost completely gone. But I could use a little more of fame. The original movie, the music.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I was laying in bed and I was thinking, I could use some fame songs on my ipod.

[Brian Bishop]

I could live forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I could use a few of those songs. I thought to myself, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you watch the TV show, too?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I saw the movie in the theater. I was thinking back to seeing that movie in the Theater with Beth Ringwald, Molly's sister, when I had a super crush on her. And outside of the theater, we ran into Arnold Schwarzenegger. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, Arnold, like crazy, you know, 36 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger or whatever, right?

[Giovanni]

Cause like he was like 80 or 81.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you know, wow. It was like, like Arnold. It was, you know, 31 year old Arnold, I don't know, 29. Yeah. It was like pumping iron Arnold wearing a Hawaiian shirt outside in Westwood. And I'm like, yeah, it's a good night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could use some fame. Couldn't you use some fame?

[Brian Bishop]

I could definitely use some fame.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're just driving down the street now I gotta hear. I gotta know the soundtrack from fame. But, you know, like I said, all the summer loving. Well, this one we know. But. But when they're just sometimes I wonder.

[Giovanni]

Out here on my own.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the song? What's the song Bruno was rocking out to when his dad. By the way, I like when his dad drove the cab and then pulled the boom. Pulled all the speakers out and put them on the roof of the car. One of the many things I don't think my dad would ever do.

[Brian Bishop]

Did Beth Ringwald know you had a crush on her?

[Giovanni]

You want more of this?

[Adam Carolla]

No. They always say later on they did or they, they, they do. The worst one where they go, oh, I had a crush on you too. They always do that, but I think they just say it. I've done some experimenting with this. I've looked into this phenomenon.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Time makes them think they did it and we're into you. Yeah, but I was there. There were no real signs of any of that, you know, I would have.

[Brian Bishop]

Noticed, especially since you liked her cousin to that.

[Giovanni]

Do you get people coming up to you from time to time who introduce themselves to wife or whatever?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

We were friends in elementary school and like, we're friends. Yeah, like, oh, yeah, we're friends in middle school. It's like we were.

[Brian Bishop]

I think I can count on one hand how many friends I've had.

[Giovanni]

I don't remember you inviting me to your birthday parties.

[Adam Carolla]

I get a lot of. I get a lot of this. Like, you went to North Hollywood High, right? Yeah, my Danny Gustafson went there. Says you guys were good friends back in the day. Hey, there you go. If you ever hear me go up two octaves and finish with there you go and sort of keep walking and I'll do the. Tell Danny I Said hi, and then I'll do the feign interest. What's he up to? You know? But I have no. This is so funny idea what he's talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

When juxtaposed with Tony Hale, asking you if you have the kind of photographic memory where you just remember all names.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it was funny, but look, what happened was I did not know this guy in high school very well. I do know the guys I knew well in high school. This guy went to high school with me. I went on to write a couple of books and be on basic cable. So this guy's telling his friends that he and I hung when he and I didn't hang. He and I could have been in a class or two together. He could have known me. I may have known him, but we weren't friends. If we were friends, I definitely know who he was talking about.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Because if someone famous went to your school, when you tell someone about that, even if you didn't know them, it always turns into, yeah, I was friends with so and so.

[Giovanni]

Yes, Todd Brady and I were very good friends in high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I would. I would say that just about everybody. Yeah. Who? You know, when you go to high school, you have eight, 10 friends, and then you have this outer circle of another 15 people you kind of know from whatever team and whatever. That's about it. But my high school had, like, you know, 2,800 people, 3,000 people in it. And it's just a big school. There's just no way. So that's just them going. I went with them. And he must know me because I went and maybe I'd heard his name, but I know the people's names. I know, and I know they should remember my name, like in fame and where are we? Let's bring it home, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zipit Content.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Mmm.

[Adam Carolla]

On it, baby. O N N I T. Your body, it's like a car, man. You gotta put good fuel in it. So it performs. Onit.com Professional athletes, top medical professionals that got together, they create foods and supplements, help you run at peak performance. Like Alpha Brain. Love me some Alpha Brain. They. I gotta get more of the coconut extract, by the way. I used it all up. Yeah. Joe Rogan uses this stuff. He uses it when he does stand up. He uses it when he does the UFC broadcast. You don't see him up there. Like Tony Villar Villarago said, the ufc. Hey, what's his nose. Just threw a crescent Kick at. What's your, who's it over there from Brazil? No, no, he uses the alpha brain and he never disappoints. Plus they have supplements for mood performance. Delicious hemp protein called Hemp Forest. And you can go to onnit.com adam for 10% off your order. So all high end stuff plus jump rope, just use it tonight. Works great. Kettlebells, all kinds of good stuff. Workout supplement inside and outside. 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. That's O N N I T.com Adam and get you 10% off on it, baby. All right. Well, what can I say? New York City, come on out. Rest the flesh. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Allison Rosen and bald Bryan saying mahalo.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, I beat off to it.

[Giovanni]

All right, there's Adam Carlos Show 1124. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlisle Show 1129. This is a live episode from Caroline's.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy Club in New York City.

[Giovanni]

Rest in peace to the venue now permanently closed. A lot of the most famous moments Adam has with the podcast in New York City are from live shows. There's very few in person interviews that are done except for when Adam was doing Apprentice and then he did a recent publicity tour a couple years ago and he did a a bunch of stuff with Gas Digital and recorded from there. But for the most part it was always Caroline's. The infamous episode with Mike Birbiglia Burbiggs and Ira Glass for this American Life on stage. The time Justin Bieber walked in, lost about 20 minutes and then bailed. I toured with the gang for most.

[Adam Carolla]

Of these early shows. Hope you guys enjoy. Check it out. Yeah, Nikki, you go over here.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much. Thanks for coming out tonight. We do appreciate it. I should say get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. Thank you, New York. Nikki Glaser is with us tonight.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Nikki has herself a little show on a little out of the way network called mtv. I remember those days. Nikki and Sarah live. Yes. Yeah, funny. Yeah. What's it like not getting paid?

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. Allison Rosen over here, by the way. And bald Brian. Hey, Adam. It's good to be here. I would like to apologize to the gentleman of color over here whose hand I just shook because I just washed my hands and they were wet but not wet enough for you to know. I just washed my hands. Only wet enough for you to think I'm. Yeah, sweat hand. It's the opposite of sweat hand. It's clean hand, but it feels like wet hand.

[Giovanni]

You had damp hand.

[Adam Carolla]

I had damp hand and I didn't. I didn't. One of the greatest PIs ever to work the 80s beat. Damp hands. This sounds insane, but I thought of you, Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

That does sound insane.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna get weirder. I was stepping into the shower this evening and I just was thinking of 80s, bad 80s TV shows and sitcoms, and I thought the saddest title of all. Junkie Brewster.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why. Just I feel like she should have.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, she almost looked junkie. Ish. Just. Just with the one bandana around.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought if they just. If somebody would do junkie, they take the bandana and tie it around her right arm.

[Brian Bishop]

Just one purple bandana to tie it.

[Adam Carolla]

Off herself with her teeth. All right. Where the hell. Nikki? Look at you. You're too good looking for comedy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What happened? How did you get funny?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's a good question. I didn't. I've not always looked like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was a late bloomer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I didn't figure it out till like 23.

[Adam Carolla]

You couldn't figure out my eyebrows with your hair and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, your eyebrows, eyebrows, makeup all came very late.

[Adam Carolla]

Same here.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, still waiting on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I got my eyebrows waxed. Yeah, a couple. So. What do you mean? Did you. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. And I. They always. They always ask you what you want, because I don't. Dudes don't know what we want. You know, I don't want to look like a creepy Armenian guy. That's what I don't want. Look like.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good starting point.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they always go, well, what shape do you want? And I always just go, make it look like I'm listening. That's my only. Take a little off the bottom of one, raise one up a little. You know, I'll do the nodding of the head, you take care of the eyebrows.

[Giovanni]

I like how. I like how Nikki subtly agreed with you that she was good looking.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know, I'm really annoyed by that right now.

[Giovanni]

No, that was good. That was. That was deft.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, I guess you should be able to take a compliment.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you. Did you have the nobody wanted to take me to the prom thing?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I went with my best friend who was a girl and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. What. What's going on?

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't. I don't know, issues, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so you. Well, first Off. Why do you want to go to the prom if no one wants to take you to the prom?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's a fun night.

[Adam Carolla]

Fun night. You and your girl stiking off and crying in his corner like. Like drinking Zimas and going. Nobody wanted to take us to the prom.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, you get to dress up. You get to feel beautiful. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why don't you throw a wedding for yourself with no, no groove? I mean, it's the same theory, right? It is.

[Nikki Glaser]

I probably will do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you should do that. Yeah. What do you need to do for. Get your friend. I think it's legal here now, by the way, so. But did you guys go? I don't. I don't know what the opposite of stag. Is it hag. I don't know what it is. I mean, but it is honestly, a couple chicks going to the prom. You're going hag, right? Yeah, but you go. Not you, but, you know, maybe your friend.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, was your friend a little. Little rough?

[Nikki Glaser]

We were all a little rough, my group of friends. We were a little rough.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're like, we're not being asked to the prom. Yeah, but we shall attend.

[Nikki Glaser]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Our.

[Nikki Glaser]

A couple of our girls in our group had boys going. And so we still want to go and see what's gonna. What's gonna happen. So really together.

[Adam Carolla]

What's gonna happen? You're gonna watch somebody else get blown in a limo?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, none of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the Zima's warm and tears falling into the Zima, diluting it, like, well, what.

[Brian Bishop]

See, Adam, what you're not able to plug into is the level of delusion that one has when they're unpopular in high school, which is you're not totally. You're not like, oh, we're not getting asked out. Poor us. Let's go. Like, you're not even fully aware. You're not. You're just like, yeah, we don't have dates. We're gonna go. Anything could happen. We could end up with dates.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what happened? Like, after you graduated, you didn't get accepted to Stanford, but you showed up anyway. Like a Stanford sweatshirt and a binder. Here I am just hanging. Just chilling. It's my friend.

[Brian Bishop]

Just want to see what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Michelle. She goes with me. Yeah, she didn't get in either. We didn't want to go to the local jc, so here we are. So what was the prom like? You got dressed up.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, got dressed up, got the prom dress. I was on prom court.

[Adam Carolla]

You were on prom Court.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on prom court. And that's a show I would watch. That boutonniere's horrible. Guilty. Next. You with the wrist corsage, you're next. So you're in the prom.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, this is not adding up. If you're going with your friends, you don't have a date, then we are thinking that you're lame. But if you're on prom court, you're obviously cool.

[Nikki Glaser]

I wasn't cool. It was just one of the. Like, I was a part of every group. So I got, like, enough votes spread around that I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you for explaining for me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to be the bailiff of prom court. You ladies need a ride home? I got the primered van in the back of the parking lot there. Yeah. Oh, no, you're all on the way. You're all on the way. Oh, yeah. So the prom, were you in the prom court? You weren't in the prom court, but yet you speak with great detail about, say, prom court. You've written a book on the prom court. You went undercover. Someone who was involved at the prom court. You know, you two had prom dates. You two are. Yeah, yeah. So. Oh, that was condescending. But you two are very easy on the feel. Good.

[Nikki Glaser]

That took me right back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Beautiful people. So, all right, so you went to the prom mainly because, by law, as a voting member of the prom court, when you were sworn into the prom.

[Nikki Glaser]

Court, I was subpoenaed and I had to show up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Someone had to take the minutes. Right. Like someone had had. So you go to the prom, you don't have a date. You watch other people dance.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, no, I danced with my friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a weird shuffle. Okay. You dance with yourselves.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then after the prom hook up.

[Nikki Glaser]

We went to a co ed sleepover and there was some.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell is going on? A co Ed sleepover.

[Brian Bishop]

How fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's that? Where's that at?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that happens a lot where parents, like, the cool parents just have all the kids over. Like, just go in the basement, have fun and turn a blind eye.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird, but the. The cool parents turn out. You. You look at them through a slightly different lens when you become a parent. Like. Yes. Remember the cool dude with the bathrobe and the weed and the ferret? That dude was cool. Gave me weed, give me wine cooler. He didn't have a job. It was just dudes would come to the house and we could around with his parrot. Yeah, dude, let me use he has it. One of those jacuzzi tubs. And it wasn't a full hot tub, but it was. Bubbles would come out of the jacuzzi and let me bring my girlfriend banger in the tub. It's like. That was cool. Yeah, cool dad. So the cool parents would you guys. Essentially it's an orgy, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

You get blackout drunk and then. Then yeah, that was I think the first night I touched a penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it was black. I barely remember it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for the man, Gria. By the way, what was so. Hold on, I'm just. I was handed something. What? Black penis. What? I'm sorry. Matt handed me a glass.

[Nikki Glaser]

I heard it was not. It was not. I just. I would kind of vaguely because I was a big prude. And I think that was the first night I like remember I woke up remember feeling grabbing one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good memory.

[Nikki Glaser]

Sleeping bag.

[Adam Carolla]

Simpler times. Was the attached to somebody or just. Did it come with the sleeping bag?

[Nikki Glaser]

He just texted me recently actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah, still chasing.

[Nikki Glaser]

He's installing aquariums in St. Louis now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He does maintenance as well too. Let's not forget that side of his business. It's not all just custom aquariums, baby. There's the filter. And don't get me started on the whole saltwater side of it. Yeah, yeah. Angelfish through the room.

[Giovanni]

Did he emphasize the high end thing? Like they're high end aquariums. Don't be fooled. These are your everyday aquariums.

[Nikki Glaser]

Have you seen Nelly's Cribs episode? That's what. Because it's in St. Louis. I think he did that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really? Oh, he does. He does. The ones I do like, those people who I don't think they like aquariums. They like people knowing they're rich.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a glass wall filled with super expensive shit and it just goes by and reminds you how much money I have, Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No one ever swims in it. They don't have fish fight in it. You don't fish in your aquarium. You don't even put a six pack in there to stay cold. Like you don't use it. You just stare at it and it's a reminder of how rich you are.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that what you would do if you had an aquarium? All those things?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would use it. I feel like it's meant to be used. Someone have to get drunk and get into the aquarium at some point? No, it's like, look, you. You can. The same guy with the aquarium has a Bentley, but he can't park The Bentley in his living room.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's in the garage. And you can't invite people into the garage. Just there at the Bentley, you have to bring them into the house, and it's always in the entrance. The exception to this, never in the laundry room.

[Brian Bishop]

The Chinese.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a power move.

[Brian Bishop]

The exception to the fish tank being an indication of, oh, look how rich I am. The Chinese restaurant with the fish tank.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Because they always have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that. I like to put a lobster tank in my house. That's a power move.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Them there, live, fresh lobster. Yeah. Or just to have them. Just to go, I got a lobster tank. What do you need? How many pounds? Market price, by the way, I'll never make enough money to ever go for market price. I need a price. I always. And by the way, my timing in terms of markets is always going to be bad. It's never like, well, the lobster market is fucking bottomed out, so we're giving these things away. It's never that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. How do they determine it?

[Adam Carolla]

They determine it on how you're dressed. I really do. I really think they go, that guy's wearing a Gucci belt. That fucking market price just went way the hell up. Yeah. There was a tsunami outside of Boston and the market's through the roof. All right, so you touched a penis, so it wasn't a complete loss?

[Nikki Glaser]

I think so, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You think so?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We used to do stuff when we were drunk.

[Nikki Glaser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's considered rape now, by the way. You may want to.

[Nikki Glaser]

Putting a girl's hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, no, Doing stuff when you're drunk is now considered rape. Rape. Let's drink some beers and rape. Yeah, no, can't do that anymore. Those were simpler times. Dr. Drew told me that if anybody in, at least where we're from, California, and I know a lot of you guys moved out of here because of that draconian law, but if you engage in sex with someone who's legally drunk, then that's legally rape.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And if they're illegally drunk, then it's statutory rape.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes, good point. I've raped myself first off, many, many more times than I've only ever been raped. Oh, really? Yeah. That's a good point.

[Nikki Glaser]

I just realized that. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Put your hands together. Hey, forget about this comedy. How about the greeting card business for you? All right? Do we have any questions? By the way, we're going to do some gay walk walking tonight, which is the New York version of gay walking. Who won out, by the way?

[Giovanni]

It was. I think it was like last night in Silver Lake.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill. Oh, pre op board up Bill from back in the day. Yeah, he. He did. Well, we're all pre op, if you really think about it.

[Giovanni]

He's the only gay that we all know, so we. He still does it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And he. He went out and went to a gay bar and he asked gay guys some straight questions. And we'll try to figure out whether we can answer these things or not. But first, some questions from the audience.

[Giovanni]

Right from Amy Loess of Montgomery, New Jersey. Where is Amy?

[Adam Carolla]

I was in New Jersey the last couple days. You know, my observation. Let me give you my Jersey observation. A lot of rust. A lot of, like, bridges and trestles and things that used to have trains on them that no longer seem to possess trains. Rusting. So everything's getting. Everything's rusty and then shit is growing through shit that's rusty. So there's like death and life simultaneously.

[Brian Bishop]

It's beautiful. It's like the seed of culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like in la, everything's just dead. It's all just dirt. It's brown. And I'm not talking about the Mexicans. I'm just mean. It's all fucking. It's. No, it's all. Everything's just a weed and dust. Everything. It's all just. Just blasted by the sun. This is rust meets life. Powerful, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you falling in love with New Jersey?

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to know. You living? You dying? What are you doing over here?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, aren't. We're all doing both.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, man. So anyway, I was just in. Yeah, you're the garden place there. Swamps, Swamp place. A lot of swamp. A lot of swamp land out there, man. All right, so what's the question? Hi, everybody. My question, Adam, is what was the.

[Nikki Glaser]

Biggest lie you've ever told and did you get away with it?

[Adam Carolla]

Saying that I want to do a fifth show here at Caroline's is probably. I told Mike August 4th is all I got in me. He said five and act like you're having a good time out there. The biggest lie I ever told. My problem at a younger part of life is that I could not lie. I literally could not lie because of my horrible upbringing. And you think that's a good upbringing? Like, you know, George Washington, who's the guy, couldn't lie, probably had a solid upbringing, so he couldn't lie. When you have a horrible upbringing, you can't lie either because your self esteem is too fucked up. And too low.

[Brian Bishop]

So it takes self esteem to lie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You got to be able. You got to be able to look someone in the face and go, yeah, I can't make it.

[Giovanni]

It's that blind confidence.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can't, I can't. I'm always. I, I would never be able to lie. And lying is a useful tool to have in your life's tackle box. It really is. I mean, if, if not just to save the feelings of those around you, but I never was able to lie and I still am not a very good liar. I lie to get out of things. I had a situation where I have a payphone in my. I have like a party room, like a party bar in my house. And I thought it'd be funny to put a payphone in it. And I don't know why, but it seems cool, right? You got a payphone. And I had a big party with about 80 people packed into this pool, bar area. And everyone's like shooting pool. And the music, music's pumping and everyone's laughing. And the one guy who I didn't invite, he called and for some reason, because the pay phone was ringing, I thought I had to answer it. I. I don't know why, but you remember when payphones. Yeah, Remember when you would answer payphones?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What are the chances that was ever going to work out your way? You know what I mean? Like, hey, I'm Ed McMahon. Who is this? I have the people from Publishers Clearinghouse. They're waiting around the corner. It. It's either like you have five minutes to live or it's some junkie who wants to know where Alberto is or something. But what's it ever. It's never, it's never just, hey, Adam. Hey, you right from high school? What's going on? Thank you. Yeah, I have lost weight. How you normal was at this? Yeah. Well, why. But I. I picked it up and it was my buddy John who was not invited to the party. And I told him I'm. Oh, there's. Let's see, what are we looking at? Yeah, that's. That's an in. That's a interior shot of the party bar I built myself. And yes, I did build the bar and, and so on. And I had lied to him earlier in the week. Thank you. I used to work with wood. I did some nice laminate work there. You're all invited, all the good looking people except John. And I told him like I was busy this weekend and I couldn't. Whatever, whatever. And the phone rang and I Picked it up and I was. I like. Was like, I can't hear you. Because people are like, Billy Idol was blaring.

[Giovanni]

You know, they're like, I can't hear you. There's a great party going on here. You have to speak up.

[Adam Carolla]

People are like eight ball off the corner, you know? And a lot of that going on and singing karaoke and shit. And that was hard to get off the phone with him. And because it was a payphone, couldn't do that move you do now where you run into the next room with your phone.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the toilet flush move where you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got. No, I hear you. Hey, sing me that dreidel song again. How'd that go? And then you do this. You flush the toilet and you run.

[Brian Bishop]

I try. I always find myself trying to pee really softly and quietly. Quietly.

[Nikki Glaser]

Or you lay down a strip of toilet paper and so it pads.

[Brian Bishop]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, here's my thing with the toilets. My thing is every toilet needs a 3 Mississippi delay on the flush.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because what happens? I'll shit up the bathroom, and then I'll be on the phone, and then I'll go. I don't want to. I don't want to flush a toy because they'll know I was on the thing. And then I always do this thing where it's like, I gotta come back in an hour and flush it. And then I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then my wife. Wife comes home and she's like, what the is wrong with you? How lazy are you? Why are you leaving this burnt offering for me? Why? I don't get it. And I'm like, no, I was on the.

[Brian Bishop]

It's weird. I have. Before I leave the house, I check to make sure I flush the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, come by. Come by. I need you over at my house.

[Brian Bishop]

So I got that kind of time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm a bad, bad liar. Although now I can do it, but I feel better about myself, so I can lie my ass off. Yeah. You look great tonight, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks. Oh, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

No, apropos. No, not. Obviously not connected. Not connected to that. Sorry to interrupt the action in New York. Don't worry. Plenty more laughs on hand. But I just wanted to say quickly, we're celebrating the fund Anything roadheart campaign by throwing a huge virtual party at my house on Facebook. Fans who participate will be eligible to join me on the Adam Carolla show in Los Angeles. Fun stuff, right? So go to partyatadamshouse.com and don't forget to check out the second Outtake video with me and the great Bryan Cranston. Thank you and enjoy the rest of the live podcast from Caroline's at New York. All right, what else we got? Paul Bryant.

[Giovanni]

Next question is. I met this guy outside. He's got an interesting story. Dan Albaton. Albatron Albaton from Berkeley. There he is. Dan from Berkeley.

[Adam Carolla]

Dan from Berkeley.

[Giovanni]

Got an interesting story to relate to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you show up at Berkeley and try to get in? Stanford asked me to move along. So what are you guys up to? I got the sweatshirt here. I got a Berkeley beer koozie. So we're kind of halfway home. So, Ace, I just literally, literally came from the airport, from jfk, like, my bags are in the coat check. I flew in from Korea, so I was from Korea. Yeah. I was hanging out in Korea for two weeks doing business, and also there with my girlfriend, who's Korean. And I figured out why Koreans are so angry, as if you. Yeah, they're mean. Yeah, they're the meanest people. No, I don't mean that. Well, maybe I do mean it in a pejorative way. But listen, I learned a very important Korean lesson in 1992 or 3. Whenever the blacks were rioting in LA. I could have been. Well, they were. I don't know what. Listen, they were. You know, they were upset. You know, they're rioting. So, you know, all the round eyes. We headed for the fucking hills, man. We're like, we're getting the fuck out of here. You burned down the Circuit City, and God bless you. I'm gonna be up here on top of the hill, just sort of enjoying the view. And the Koreans, they all got on the roof with hunting rifles, and they're like, this is my fucking liquor store, buddy. And that's when I realized the Koreans were scary motherfuckers. Cause they're like, everyone else went, I'm going to the hill. And the Koreans are going, I'm going to the roof. Well, they all have to do military service, right? Oh, that's what it is, by the way, when they set your building on fire. Roof, not a great place to be. No, there they are. A lot of those guys are still up there. They went to the roof and they were like, bring it on, man. Well, it's brutal there, right? So it's like these guys on the roof. In la, it's hot as balls, but they don't care because in Korea, it's super hot in the summer and super cold. In the winter, the whole place is horrible. Right, right. They're used to just getting like sun blasted, like wind blasted monsoons, typhoons. That's what makes them. Yeah, they're durable. Yeah, they're sturdy, durable, angry people. And then it goes one deeper right? So like the Korean Peninsula has been just completely fucked by all the countries around them for a thousand years. The Chinese invaded a bunch of times, but most recently, as a Probably World War II fan, you would know that the Japanese occupied Korea for 40 years and, and demolished the place. I like it too, when they're like, they try. Somebody tried to get it. I, I get this all the time. There's this, there's some, you know, World War II atrocity, right? Where it's like, look, your whole brigade came into our town, used all our wives and daughters as comfort women. That's. That's a nice euphemism for sex slave comfort women. And we'd like you to apologize. It's been 65 years. Can we get a little apology? No, no, we stand by our raping. We stand by our indiscriminate raping of your wives and kids. Sorry, you won't get an apology from Japan. This happened like a few months ago where they like asked the guy to apologize like, ah, not all those were rapes. Some of them were consensual. And they're angry because nobody knows that. Right. So they got treated way worse than the Chinese did, but nobody talks about it. And in fact the guy, the great story. Yeah, the Prime Minister. If I was Korean, I'd shoot you by now. You're so lucky. I don't have an ounce of Korean blood in here. I'd be getting out my hunting rifle right now. Anyway, one more part that they, like people don't know. They destroyed the whole country. So then there's a question. In 1949, Douglas MacArthur went to the 55th parallel. He set up a base camp there of 50,000 men strong. But people don't realize about the original Mass series. Yes, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, you got it. You know, during the Korean War, the whole country.

[Brian Bishop]

Next caller.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy flew in from Korea just aboard. I mean, just to tell him now, please have some goddamn respect. Is your Korean girlfriend mean? Yeah, she's pretty tough. Yeah. Is she on the roof up here now or where is she? She down? I know they travel roof like Spider Man. They go rooftop to rooftop. They ever travel just on the sidewalk or is it always just from one roof that her on the roof? I wonder. Just you Know, just to keep it consistent. If they'll do, like, the inside of their house and tar paper. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just. I just like the feeling of roofing compound under my feet. Like, I. Some people said go with shag. Some people said bamboo is durable. I, like, rolled the tar paper in my entry hall. Makes me feel like I'm on a roof.

[Giovanni]

There's an air conditioning unit in the bedroom, right on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Smokestacks? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Cigarette?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyone to take a shower in the water tower? That's up here, too. Oh, wait a minute. I think someone may have done that in la. Anyway. Very sad. Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. Anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, Brian, what story did he tell you outside?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you about kimchi. It's not. Everyone thinks it's just a bunch of cabbage and vinegar. It's not. Not.

[Giovanni]

I nodded off halfway through. I assumed the whole thing was interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. Who else can we make? I mean, who has an interesting yarn to spin?

[Giovanni]

How about Todd Worsham from Philadelphia? Where's Todd? Todd's right here in the. In the middle. He has Todd.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys named Todd. There. Two things they don't disappoint, and they don't see their 50th birthday. That's the two things I know about guys named Todd. Doesn't mean you can't. You can't skip one and get to your 51st. Good luck. But they just don't see the 50th. Now what? Grandpa Todd? Old man Todd. Oh, let's go to the mountain and talk to the. The old man with the long beard.

[Giovanni]

Todd.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Todd at the mountain. He's a sage.

[Brian Bishop]

No, Wise Todd.

[Adam Carolla]

Wise. No. Founder.

[Brian Bishop]

Also no Wise Chad.

[Adam Carolla]

Todd. Father. Yeah. Sorry. So who's gonna be more likely to kill you in your sleep? Sonny, Natalia, Lynette, Maybe Molly or some sort of combo. Yeah, Molly's just draining my bank account slowly. Her plan is for me to be destitute and out on the street when I'm done. That's my dog who's undergoing procedures and has these cancers, and her ear's been removed and. Yeah, this is. By the way, you can explain to me. You can be Lynette explaining to me what's wrong with Molly, and then I'll. You tell just Brian. You just play what I hear here. Go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. So, Adam, I talked to the vet, and there's something wrong with Molly's ear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

And they want to do surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to do what?

[Brian Bishop]

They want. They want to remove part of the ear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's. That seems drastic. That I feel for her. She's like a family member, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

An expendable one, but a family member. None.

[Brian Bishop]

They have. Have to operate on her ear.

[Adam Carolla]

What would they have to do to her? What have to do to her? What they have to do. She.

[Brian Bishop]

She's got a growth on her ear, and it's cancerous.

[Adam Carolla]

That's such a.

[Brian Bishop]

The cancerous growth on her ear and also other places, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, let's. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're looking at about nine grand worth of fucking dog work behind you. Oh, my God. Now she's got another fucking growth and a problem with her other ear and a patch and the thing and. Yeah, yeah. So she's a mess. She's a mess. But in terms of killing me, I gotta. I think Lynette. Probably because she has guns. She. I mean, they're in a safe. They showed up in a fucking Hefty bag. The crazy story. I've told you guys this story, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Remind us.

[Adam Carolla]

Father's a gun nut. And my wife's father's like a. Well, I don't know if he's a gun nut. He just likes guns, you know? And he said, you know, when my daughter gets married, the dowry will be a whole arsenal. Like, I was up on the roof of the Koreans. Like, this is awesome, you know? And he showed up one day with a sack filled with guns and ammunition. I was like, here you go, son. And I'm like, all right. I never handled a gun. I don't own a gun. I don't know anything about guns. Except for one thing. There's something called a gun safe. It's got the word gun, but also the word safe in it. And that's where you're supposed go to put them. Do we have one of those? And he's like, I don't get that part. But we got a Hefty bag filled with guns and ammunition and sat in the closet for two months. And then I went, you know, maybe I should go online and look into that so she could shoot me. But I do feel like my son wouldn't shoot me, But I feel like he would try to talk my daughter out of shooting me, but he would lose the argument. And eventually he would have to side with her. You know what I mean? Like, he'd start off by going, don't shoot, dad. He wasn't that bad. And then after about 20 minutes, he'd be like, all right, but listen, I'm Not. I'm gonna be in the driveway. I'm not gonna be there. We're not going full Menendez, you know? You're on your own here. Yeah, by the way, can we let those fucking guys out of the joint? They've been in the joint for 20 years. They fucking shot.

[Brian Bishop]

They might kill their other parents.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, who else they gonna shoot? They only kill their own. We'll let them out. Listen, I swear I've said it. Look, I've said it a million times. First off, nature or nurture, you decide. You know what I mean? If you're the Menendez, either you have demon seed, there's Sonny, Natalia. Yeah, me. All right, all right. Now, look, here's the deal. They either is there's something wrong with the Menendez seed, or they did a horrible job of raising their two boys. Either way, I don't give a shit. And I've said it many times, If Sonny ever says to Natalia, like on a Thursday night, hey, listen, what are you doing this weekend? I don't know. Just hanging out at the house. You know what I think would be a cool idea? I'm gonna get a shotgun, and we're gonna shoot mom and dad while they're eating Haagen Dazs watching the movie of the week on the sofa. Yin. And then Natalia goes. Goes what night? Sunday. Okay, yeah. So after five, though, because I got to go down the American Girl store. I should probably be out of that by then. But the point is this. If they both agree it'd be a good idea to shoot me and my wife while we're watching tv, we've done something horrifically wrong.

[Nikki Glaser]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Or given them the. Giving them the code to the safe, which is a push button, by the way. So I'm gonna go, Molly, no, she's gonna drain me dry. Then Lynette, Natalia. And then Sunny's a distant, distant fourth.

[Giovanni]

And it's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a waste of his time. All right. Shall we? And hopefully, none of them will shoot me. I mean, you know, there's this 60% chance none of them will shoot me. You know, I'm looking on the bright side. Yeah. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

How many guns?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, piles.

[Brian Bishop]

Were you happy to receive this dowry?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I would be like, can I trade this in for something else you have in the dowry department?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I don't know. You can do the. Once in a while, LA will do the gun buyback thing, and you get the, you know, 100 gift certificate. Certificate to Red Lobster or something that's not racial. That's not racial. That's not racial. It's Red Schwartz. Sorry, Red Lobster. Not racial.

[Giovanni]

I'm just saying it feels racial.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not.

[Giovanni]

It feels.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, the tone. No, not racial. Not, not racial at all. The El Pollo Loco as well. And Popeye. So it's not a racial thing. It is not a racial thing.

[Giovanni]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not racial.

[Giovanni]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I don't, I can't do the gun buyback thing. They don't, they don't offer up enough. This stuff is nickel plated.44s from World War II and you know, bolt action and I mean, I mean, revolvers, a.

[Brian Bishop]

Bunch of cool historical stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

And as a guy, like, I, I don't, I don't like guns, but I like when you feel one. You go, wow, hey man, this is.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you know how to use it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I figured it out. Yeah, I went, I went to the, I went to the range and, and, and went there and just, Just fired everything. Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Does it make you feel safer?

[Adam Carolla]

No, the gun, the guns, the gun scares me. It really, it's like, it feels, it should. Not like the guys who do that thing like when, when Plaxico was like, Yeah, I got a 9 millimeter and I just stuffed it into my sock or my sweatpants or something. It is weird. No, you want to transport the thing with salad tongs. Like you don't, you would never feel like, put it in Ch. Chick. Chick, you know, and just shove it in the back of your sweatpants thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Where you spin it around your finger.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you feel like, this is weird.

[Giovanni]

Are they all mismatched? Are they random guns? My point is, like, it's upset.

[Adam Carolla]

They're like the Russian dolls.

[Giovanni]

What's awesome, an awesome move is when you have two guns and, you know, you fire them both off. But it's a loser move to have two different guns to be firing them off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, no, the whole. Let me. It's true.

[Brian Bishop]

Oftentimes people are judging the shooter.

[Adam Carolla]

And also all those movies where the guys do the two guns simultaneously and then flip a switch and both the spent magazines fall out. And then they do a weird move where they slap it against their hip and they pull it back up and it's got a new clip in it. You sit there at that gun range going, I, this one's broken. I don't know, I can't get the thingy out. The thing's not going all the way in.

[Giovanni]

You'd be the worst out Action hero ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're like, no, you have to depress this. And then. But I'm sitting there at a pump action shotgun, and I'm sitting there trying to pump it, but it won't pump. And I'm like, it's a very homoerotic. What. What's going. And then a guy has to say, no, you have to push this in before you do the first one. It's. It's a disaster. Yeah, so I could never do any of that slow motion, you know, whatever. And I certainly couldn't do the thing where I throw you someone else's gun. You know, the move. And they go here, and they slide the gun across the floor. You pick it up and go, what the fuck is this? I can't use someone else's cell phone. Forget the fucking gun. I'd be like, what is. How do we. Where are the bullet thingies? Yeah, how is this on lock? Is it a safety? And if it isn't, why are you sliding across the floor? Yeah, you gotta practice. You gotta practice all the time. So I'm gonna get back to la. I'm gonna go down to Koreatown and find a roof and really get some. Really get some time, you know, some seat time, as pilots call it. You know what I mean? All right. What? They're all in the safe, though. Don't worry about it. All right, what else? Oh, yeah, I should do a spot. Yeah, Gary's right. All right. Do we. We're gonna do a little gay walking. All right, let me. Let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. Audible, baby. Audible.com. you guys have the Audible books? You have my book? Oh, hardcover, yeah, but you gotta listen to it now. Totally different experience. Over 100, 000 books to choose from. My book's in there as well. Dr. Drew's got a couple in there. And there's other people wrote books as well. You put it. No, I was listening to. On the flight out, I was like. I was listening to Freakonomics just in the. Just put it in. Put it right in my phone and just listen away, you guys, I'm telling you, when you get stuck somewhere in the airport, whatever, you miss your flight or in a cab and the guy's speaking gibberish up there. Get the audiobook, baby. And you can get a free one at Audiobook, by the way. Go to audible.com ACE and get a free audiobook. That's what I want to say. All right. Should we do some gay walking? Yeah, gay walking. Gay wants to know if you know all the things straight guys should know, you're homosexuals. It's time for gay walking. Cause you are gay. Thank you. Do I have a picture of Bill up there? Oh, no. Oh, no. This is the guy.

[Brian Bishop]

The guy's asking.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy we'll be talking to. Yes. Okay, here we go. What position does Derek Jeter play?

[Giovanni]

Will he know?

[Adam Carolla]

Will he know? Will he know? Now, Allison, we kind of use you. Alice has an unfair advantage because I put.

[Brian Bishop]

Nikki does too.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Nikki Glaser]

I say no because I feel like I have the as much knowledge about this kind of thing. Thing as gay. Ben.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do not know.

[Brian Bishop]

I use myself as a yardstick as well.

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, this is New York, these are the Yankees. I mean, this is a pretty big deal. Even if he guesses he could get could be a Mets fan. It's a lot of variables. A lot of variables here.

[Brian Bishop]

I think he doesn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Say no, Nikki. What?

[Nikki Glaser]

Doesn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't know.

[Giovanni]

He's going to make a joke and say like catcher or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What do you think? No. You say no. All right. We all say yeah, Brian. All right. No, we all say no. What position does Derek Jeter play? Tight end. Tight end.

[Giovanni]

I was right.

[Adam Carolla]

You were right. All right. We're all 1 0. That's why I have to play the game, people face. What was the nickname of Kurt Russell's character in Escape from New York? Ooh.

[Brian Bishop]

I say no.

[Adam Carolla]

Snake Plisskin, by the way. I don't know the name of the Vice President, by the way, but I do know Snake Plissken is the name of. Of Kurt. Kurt's.

[Giovanni]

We'll accept. We'll accept. Just Snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Will we accept? I will accept Snake. He will accept Snake.

[Giovanni]

All right, you know what? It's Hollywood. It's a hipster. He probably know an old movie like that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's New York.

[Brian Bishop]

I said no.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in Hollywood doing the New York version. All right.

[Giovanni]

I say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You say yes. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

I said no, Nikki.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go yes, too. The guys say yes. What was the nickname of Kurt Russell's character in Escape from New York?

[Giovanni]

It's been a while, but I think.

[Brian Bishop]

His name was Snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Those gays.

[Brian Bishop]

I guess you guys know gay men better than we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we do. Yeah, we do. They're crafty. Those who did Joe Frazier fight in what is called the Fight of the City Century at Madison Square Garden. All right, let me see the dude. Same dude. All right, well, he knew Snake he knew Snake Nikki.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, he knows this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's. He's. There's only a, you know, couple of choices, right?

[Giovanni]

How many boxes can he know he's got?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's pretty. It's Ollie or Foreman, right? I mean, he's gonna. It's gonna say Allison when he think.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I'm tempted to say yes, but I'm gonna go, no.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Brian, no.

[Giovanni]

He's gonna say, like, Mike Tyson or something.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? I'm gonna let the audience decide for me. Does he know? All right, I'm going no. The audience says no. Who did Joe Frazier fight in what is called the fight of the century at Madison Square Garden?

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna take a wild stab and say Muhammad Ali.

[Adam Carolla]

That is it. Yes. All you guys got that point. You horses you rode in on. I know this is unprofessional. That's. I trusted you. I opened my heart. Uhoh. I opened my hearts to you.

[Brian Bishop]

And they took a right in your heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Right in my open heart.

[Brian Bishop]

So wait, what are our scores? Nikki has one. Now I have none.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Brian's got.

[Nikki Glaser]

I have two.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you have two.

[Adam Carolla]

Two. What am I, one and one or two and one? Oh, Adam, I think you're two. Adam has two, Brian has two, Nikki.

[Giovanni]

Has two, and Allison has one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. We're heading into the championship rounds of Gay Walking. That's where we separate. Movie Death Wish takes place in New York. Who is the star of that movie Death Wish? Oh, like I'm going to. You assholes again. Fuck you guys. Well, Brian, what do you think?

[Giovanni]

I don't think Death Witch is a really memorable movie. I mean, like, these days. I'm going to say no.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Charles Bronson, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison, I'm going to say no.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Nikki, no, no, no. Listen, I've. Listen, I've been playing gaywalk since you were in Diaper Son. I know my way around a gay in a walk. Believe me, there's a strategy here. I'm gonna say he doesn't know either.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all going, oh, no, don't worry. I gotta. I'm playing a gay strategy. Believe you me, the movie Death Wish takes place in New York. Who is the star of that movie? Charles Bronson. I told you, I don't. No, you guys turned on me, and I swore I'd never love again. And now you come in with the right answer. All right, all right. This is the one audience member I listen to. That's it. All right, all right. We're still all tied up. Oh, well, you got one right.

[Brian Bishop]

We're all tied up. But not me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Joe Namath was a player for which New York sports franchise? Yes. What?

[Nikki Glaser]

This? This was the guy who didn't know Jeter.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't know Cheater. I don't know what we're feeling about. Hold on a second. Is that a bachelorette party over there? Oh, my God. It's gotta be the worst night ever. You guys got pretty fucking miserable. Nothing but rape and gay and Koreans. I mean, come on. Oh, you're getting married. Oh, now we need a microphone for you. You get no, it'll be merciful. Are you get. When are you getting. Let's play some games. No, no, I gotta. I gotta. You're wearing something with an LED strobe light on your head. You can't. You have to. You're gonna draw a T. When are you getting married? August 9th. August 9th. And what's the guy do? Is he not. Does he have a decent living? Yeah, he's a manager at Enterprise Rent a car. Enterprise? Yeah. What's he drive, like a beige Taurus or with a cloth interior? Oh, Alexis, does he make you fill up before you come home, otherwise he fucking gouges you. So. All right, so he's doing so, you know, Mr. Excitement, as he's known to his friends. And this is. I was gonna say worst bachelorette party ever been to, but this is. This is it. This is. This is it. You're celebrating with us. You have a horrible friend. Was this the friend that talked to you into. We just met them. Wow. All right, now, are you guys going out to see like the thunder from down under or something after this?

[Brian Bishop]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You want nothing or is there. Who's that? Is there. We got a mother in law or something with us? Yeah. Really? What the. You can't bring mom along. Yeah, it's all right. They're cool. We're going out after this. We're all. You're going to be like stuffing singles into those dudes who have the weird. Weird penis sock thing to swing around. You see, on. You see on real sex, you know. Yeah. No. All right, all right, then. You guys, you've known each other long enough. Yes? Ten years. Ten years. All right. Oh, sweet. And what do you. Why now, though? What happened? Pregnant. Pregnant? Pregnant?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Pregnant. You gave me shit or get off the pot discussion, huh? Yeah. You told him it was time, right? It's been long enough. Yeah. What? Oh, okay. Thank you. Now be quiet. I'm Gonna only turn to you for gay walking answers. But you gave now. But tell me, tell me if I'm lying about this one. I've said it once. Say it again. It happened to me. My own personal life. You guys have been dating for 10 years, right? You were ready to get married eight and a half years ago. No, we met at 16. Oh, wait a minute. Shit. Now it's getting weird. All right, but you've been ready to get married for four years. No, not really.

[Brian Bishop]

Now's a good time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know that's your story. I understand the story. But you would have liked him to propose some years ago. No, don't lie. Hey, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You would have loved it to be proposed two years ago.

[Brian Bishop]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

18 months ago. Oh, two years ago. Ah, now you're shitting all over my story. And all those 10 years, you just kept going and kept going and kept going. And you never wanted him to propose any earlier than he actually did? No, we were too young. Okay, and did he rent your ring?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, it's all mine.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a deal on this one. It's a mid size, but they only paid some compact prices for it. All right, give the mic back to Gary over there. God bless her. It's gonna last forever.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a question, Adam. When I told you that I got engaged, you asked me the question that I did not expect, which is, oh, why? Why marriage? Why now? Which is also why you asked her. What answer are you looking for there?

[Adam Carolla]

I have this thing, and maybe it's just a personal thing, but I've talked about it before, and I think a lot of guys have gone through this, which is when you're with a woman, not one that you meet at summer camp before she sprouted a pube, when she's wearing, like, Underoos and you guys are in a kayak back together, and later on you're gonna make land.

[Brian Bishop]

Too much detail.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. What I'm saying is, is when. When you meet as an adult, like, you know, you're 25 and she's 25, and this thing goes on, this courtship goes on for years and years and years. And now everyone's, like, in their early 30s and no one has asked anyone to get married yet. The chick is pissed. She wants that proposal. And I've said it's ruined every. It'll ruin every vacation you go on, because the way to Hawaii is fun. The way back from Hawaii is her just sitting there just angrily going through her People magazine, just doing that thing. Where you're. How can I read a magazine in such a way? Well, look wildly unsatisfied with what just happened in Hawaii. Turn the page with anger. Anger. Yeah, Angry vitriol. And then the conversation will be this fun time in Maui, huh?

[Brian Bishop]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

How about snorkeling, man? That was a good time.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Sea turtles. Majestic, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Which had a great time. Is something bothering you? I was at a great time in Maui.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I just fucking had a great eight days in Maui. I mean, snorkeling and we're on the ski doos and everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You seem like something's bothering you.

[Brian Bishop]

Tired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. That's what. Every fucking. Every fucking conversation. Every conversation. Yes. Right here. Right in the front table. You went to Hawaii. He didn't propose. You're fucking pissed. All. All the way home, right? Wait, four years. Oh, my God. See, it's right in front of us.

[Brian Bishop]

Literally.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. You two are how old. How old are you? 28. 28. And you're 28? 28. And you met when you were 24 and you went to Hawaii. Plenty long enough time you being badgered by your hag friends going, when is he gonna pop the clown? Why isn't he. Why hasn't Steve said anything yet? He should have by now. If you were the one. I mean, I'm just saying. I mean, don't. Oh, these super cunts hover around and they're like, steve's awesome. I'm not saying anything bad about Steve. I'm just saying, if you were the one, I just think he would have said something by now. And now. And then the buildup. Where are you guys going? What island? We're going to Kauai. Ooh, the island for lovers and proposals and prenups and commitments. Yeah, we're going to Kawhi. Oh, he's for sure now. He wouldn't go. He wouldn't know. He would definitely. If you're going to Kauai, he will definitely propose your anniversary. You're going to Kawhi for your anniversary. He's definitely gonna propose. He will, definitely. And then every night you go out to dinner, and there you are, just poised, looking through your pomegranateini for, like, what? Any. Is that an ice cube?

[Nikki Glaser]

Is there something floating, delicately, eating the biscuits, like, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't want to break a tooth. There could be something baked into this corn muffin. He's just fucking flatlining. He's just sitting there. He's talking about the Jets. Talking about the Giants. No fucking Idea wants to know, right? That's right. You're pissed. Then the flight home. Angrily, angrily leafing through that magazine. Right? No eye contact. Pissed off. You're fucking a guy, so you don't know what the fuck. What. We had a great time, man. It was Hawaii. All right, so you didn't propose. Have you proposed since? All right, she's still pissed. That's a. But you thought something was gonna happen, right? Right. So you had to puss on all the way back from Hawaii, right? Yeah. Okay. Now do you want to propose now and just kind of get this over with or. This is the best way to begin a new life together? A bunch of drunken people going, do it. All right, all right. Well, let me just.

[Brian Bishop]

They're both shaking their heads, saying, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me just try to figure the level of that's going on here. What are you saying? What's your name? Mark. Mark. Mark, what do you. What is the reason you're not proposing? We're. We're. We're just. We're not ready yet. I love that. I like this where. We're in a place right now. You and your cock. Who are you talking about? We. Me and my cock and balls are in a place right now where we just feel. I was talking to my balls earlier, and we just wanted to get our education pushed forward just a little bit further. We. She wants to get married, Mark. You want to get married, right? I could be ready. Yeah. Okay. This is. Now. She's going to be miserable driving home from this. You understand? Now, you got your career, online is everything. He's working. You're both doing well. No more education. All the venereal stuff cleared up, passed. You got the dog, you're living together. What's the problem? All right, all right, so it's there. Listen, you can get engaged. Well, I mean, you can break that shit off. I'm just saying. I'm saying. And let me tell you, she's a beautiful woman, and, you know, you're five and a half. There's nothing wrong with you. But I'm saying she will move on at a certain point. She'll be in Hawaii this time next year with some guy named Bruce who treats her right. All right, all right. So I put the scenario out there, and we had. Oh, they're kissing. I watched the man grill. Watch the man, Gria. It's empty. All right, but still, there's a fucking keepsake. Now, come on, now, you two. All right, but. But the exact scenario I was speaking of is dead. Nut center in Front of this stage. Thank you. All right, where are we?

[Giovanni]

Jaywalking.

[Adam Carolla]

Jaywalking. What's going on? Oh, what does he know?

[Giovanni]

N. Joe named.

[Adam Carolla]

No way he can name all the Hawaiian islands. There's no way Joe Namath was a player for which New York sports franchise? All right.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't know. Cheater. All right.

[Giovanni]

No, I say no.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say no, but now I'm saying yes because she thinks yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, she's so intuitive. Oh, you're right. Figure out when she's gonna get proposed to.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, God damn it, you're right. Sorry, I'm going.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry. I know it's a rough night for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going. No, too.

[Nikki Glaser]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we're going. No's across the board. Joe Namath was a player for which New York sports franchise? Football. Oh, the Giants. All right, Gary, how many do we have left? We have a three way tiebreaker. So it's you, Brian, and Nikki. We. We have. All right, we have three more left.

[Giovanni]

We have one question left.

[Adam Carolla]

Question left. Ah, three way tie. Five. Three way tiebreaker. All right. Broadway show, Wicked, Mamma Mia. Or Phantom of the Opera? Now the question is. Oh, we have the tie. Three way tiebreaker. Gayest Broadway show, Wicked, Mamma Mia. Or Phantom of the Opera? All right, Nikki, you can go first.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wait, what? What?

[Adam Carolla]

Gayest Broadway show, Wicked, Phantom of the Opera or what? Wait, tie break.

[Nikki Glaser]

Mamma Mia.

[Adam Carolla]

Broadway show, Wicked, Mamma Mia. Or Phantom? Phantom of the Opera.

[Nikki Glaser]

Mamma Mia.

[Adam Carolla]

Mamma Mia. Yeah, I think that is. But because it's a tiebreaker, I'm gonna have to just go with Wicked because we all have to pick a different one. Except for Allison. Who's Phantom? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

All right. Phantom.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, three way tiebreaker. Gayest Broadway show, Wicked, Mamma Mia. Or Phantom of the Opera? Mamma Mia. An empty shell of a victory, Nikki. An empty shell of a victory. But enjoy it nonetheless. It was hard earned. All right, do I have an outro? Gay walking. Cause you are gay. All right, we're gonna do a little little news, shall we? First, let me tell you guys about stamps dot com. You guys send things? Yeah. You want to save money, go to stamps.com. you can print official US postage right from your computer right out of your printer. It's like you have a magic demon computer that prints. Well, it's not that scary. It's just really prints US Postage. Yeah, it's a magical computer and printer. Yes, they have a no risk trial. You get a little scale, you weigh your Parcels. You never put any extra stamps on there. Whatever your parcel weighs, that's what comes out of your printer. And 55 bucks free postage only if you enter Adam. So go to stamps.com. now click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Adam. All right, shall we do. Oh, hold on. Seriously, what's going on? Listen, good looking woman. You can't just yell out shit because you're good looking. It's good now, but later on it gets annoying. I mean, in life. You know what I mean? We've all met that.

[Brian Bishop]

You mean later on in the night?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yes. All right. Shall we do some news? Let's do it with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it Cut. It's Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, first, I wanted to ask you guys if you have experience with someone in your life, a loved one, making you suddenly insecure about something that you never thought to be insecure about. For example, Daniel and I were coming over here and I went, Fiance? Yeah, my fiance Daniel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he's here tonight. Night.

[Brian Bishop]

I was breathing, or so I thought. And he, he's like, yeah, you want to get that out of your system before you get on the stage. I guess I was like, kind of like sniffling.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh.

[Brian Bishop]

But now I'm all concerned that I make noises when I breathe.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're fine. Sweet.

[Brian Bishop]

I know, but I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What do you do? I don't know. I don't know if you should point out to people because you love them or not point out to people because you love them. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Either way, you're kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, what if someone has really shitty breath or smelly or something like that? No, there could be an infection. That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

You're right. You should have a nose for infection.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? What do you, what are you gonna do? You do it out of love?

[Nikki Glaser]

I'd rather lose a friend than tell them they had bad breath.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. But then it's weird.

[Nikki Glaser]

Done that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I, I, I, I haven't. But then every once in a blue moon, I'll floss and then I'll sniff the floss, and I'll go, oh, wait a minute, that's shitty smelling. And then I go, hold on. Maybe no one's telling me shit. Yeah, that's why I have the, the decency. To stand far away from people. Look down when I talk to them.

[Giovanni]

I had a. I had a buddy. I had a buddy in college who was Italian. And Italians from Italy don't wear deodorant. And he stunk terribly. Eventually we had to tell him, like, he was our buddy. Like, man, you got to start wearing deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

And he did. It was uncomfortable. We had to tell him.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Now, was this, like, intervention?

[Giovanni]

It kind of was. I mean, he was a good. He was. Became friends with him after a month or so. He's straight from Italy, and we're like, dude, in this country wear deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. So you all just gathered in a room with candles and Axe body spray.

[Giovanni]

You know, we wrote letters.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, Sad. All right. But. But it was. But it helped him, right?

[Giovanni]

And now he smells delightful.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

And hates them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? No, no, that's a. That's a chick thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Dudes don't. We're fine that way. Listen, guys, here's a guy. Listen. A guy could go out, like, hey, we're going out to a club tonight. And then he could be leaving and go, not in those faggoty jeans, you're not. Go the back in the apartment and get a new set of jeans. And the guy will be like, oh, sorry, thanks. And he'll go back in and do it. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And it's. It's no big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Whereas a girl would just think, why are you being a bitch?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And why call me faggot?

[Nikki Glaser]

We'll let you look like shit so that we look better.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Well, like, that looks great.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what do we got?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, so the percentage of wives having affairs has risen almost 40% in the last two decades.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. I'm out of town. And my. My beautiful wives. I'm alone right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Or so you think.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm home alone, too. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm here alone. Yeah. Let's swing. Yeah. Yeah. It's over. What? Is it over? What? Okay, it's risen 40%.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So the gap between percentage of men who have extramarital affairs and percentage of women who have extramarital affairs is closing. It's still more men than women. But the number of women who have extramarital affairs has, like, risen 40% in the last two decades.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like if there was a chart of dudes with tattoos and chicks with tattoos and dudes who cheated and chicks who cheated, it'd Be the exact same graph. Yes, it's risen with the tramp stamps.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you feel like that's what that tattoo means?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the dude. The chicks are just turning into dudes now with the smoking cigars and tattooed all over the place and they're doing MMA workouts and they got six pack abs and all that shit. So why as well? Might as well cheat.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, see, what I used to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

As long as you're gonna do all the stuff dudes do, they're all like riding motorcycles on the weekend with tattoos and shit. Might as well cheat.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, do you agree with the idea that if a man cheats, it's because he's a dude and there's an opportunity and doesn't mean anything, Whereas if a woman cheats, it does mean that there is something going on in the relationship?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It means she is not satisfied with the dude. And then the conversation, the I got caught cheating dude conversation is, I was drunk. It doesn't mean shit. She's a whore. I have no fucking bond to her at all. Just one of those fucking things. I was at a bachelor party, one thing led to another. I don't. I don't even know her name. That's where the dude version is. And then the chick version of this is, you should have seen this coming five years ago. And then you go, you blowing another guy. Something I should have seen in 2008. I have been sending you signals like Aquaman, like, you're gonna suck a dude off. Did you draw a picture of a cock and your mouth on it? That kind of signal? What did. What do you mean? I've been asking. I told you we needed to. I've been asking, we need to talk for a long time. And you know, see, you can do that. I'm gonna try that. If I ever get busted for cheating, I'm just gonna turn it on like I told you.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't feel.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you I wanted to get in a couple's therapy together before I someone. And I'd been sending messages out, not in a clear way, but a super confusing way that we need to talk. And yes, I was eventually forced to bury my cock in someone else's pussy. Forced it. I had no choice. You wouldn't listen. We could have. We could have avoided this whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Nikki, what do you think?

[Nikki Glaser]

I think that. Yeah, I think that most of the women are probably fucking guys who are having extramarital affairs too. So I think the 60% is getting some of the 40.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, so those guys are fucking around with the married chick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Well that is the insurance. Right. Well, at least according to Mad Men, it should be two married people who cheat each other because then each person has something to lose actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, that's right. Right, right, right. Yeah. We're all be chicks in 50 years. Yeah. But that being said, it's funner to fuck the 19 year old hostess from hula hands than it is to fuck your friend's 43 year old, you know, shit out three kids. Kids got the C section scar.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Spray tan, wine. You're right.

[Brian Bishop]

Because the. The hula hands bartender, that's just.

[Adam Carolla]

She's too young to bartend. She's just hostess.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, Just hostessing, that's just about a fling. Whereas cheating with someone who is also married, that's relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I agree. All right, all right. But anyway, women are kind of turning into dudes. Dudes are turning into women. Eventually we'll just be one. Just blob.

[Brian Bishop]

With. With both sex organs or none.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero. It'll just be like the. All the aliens that come to take us over, like our future, our junk's all just going to fall off this be sort of weird, sort of Kendall bulge there and we'll have. No, there's no in the future. You notice that there's everything else with.

[Brian Bishop]

Machines and no fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

No denim. There's no doors on hinges. They're all aperture. They have real fancy doors.

[Brian Bishop]

They make a big sound.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no like, there's no like, hey man, that alien chick on from Sector 9, the one who's flying the, the. The Falcon over there, the Millennium Falcon, she's piece of ass over there. Like there's no. They don't have that conversation. I feel like guys will be. Should be hornier in the future, but. All right, forget it.

[Brian Bishop]

I also know they. There's usually no eating.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no eating.

[Brian Bishop]

No, like there's no.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no fun. This is a lot of business. Yeah, Yeah. I don't like the future.

[Brian Bishop]

And you think in the future everything moves so fast, they'd have a lot of free time for snacking and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's no snacking denim or hinges.

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to live in that future.

[Brian Bishop]

So there's a website, Adam, it's called Curlynicky.com and I think that you will be behind is a website to help. Help women who. Who straighten their hair. It's African American women, but I relate to it to help them go back to their natural hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Because if you're not feeling your hair, you're not feeling yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah. I mean, listen, there's a guy who has a Jew fro and who grew up with the crazy nappy hair, but then it was straight, and then it was like all the. Look, can I tell you how many. Let's be honest for a second. How many millions of hours do women have into with their hair and trying to get it to look straight? I mean, how many? Just first off, so many. All the. The first off, you're spraying all this toxic. I mean, no wonder you guys can't think. You have all this. You had a head of flammable Aquanet. And then it gets. And it gets turned turbocharged by this heated device you're blowing on. You're just sucking up noxious fumes the whole time, combing and rolling and rolling and combing. It's fucking insane. I've said it a million times. Michelle Obama should just go, full Shirley from Good Times. You know what I mean? Just fucking full Shirley Hemphill. Fro. To let all the women of color and then all the non. I mean, there's Italian women. Lynette does the same thing you do. The Jews do the same thing. They're all. Here's it. You know what? We can get the blacks and the Jews together. You guys all just dunk your head in a pool, pop it out, let the sun dry and go, you know what? Maybe we're not so different. We both have fucked up crazy hair that we don't seem to appreciate. And let your hair just fucking let its freak flag fly, man, and say, I swear to God, my daughter's already, like, she's in the mirror. She's doing her thing. They got the. You got the brush. You got the brush out that rolls. I don't know who invented this. What Nazi war scientists invented the brush rolls on it. Rolling.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it a round brush?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a round brush. I just said to my wife, let's not have her spend two thirds of her waking hours like with hot air blowing and kilowatts by. By the way, kill. We never have to build another dam. We never have to dam up a river or build another. A nuclear facility or dig another hole in the ground and have another coal miner die. If you chicks all just put your hair dryers away, you're burning a hole in the ozone with your Aquanet. You're depleting every kilowatt with this. These things just suck. You go fire up a hairdryer. Turn on high, go outside and look at the meter. Going like a dreidel. You could run five minutes on this or you could run a clock alarm for 40 years for five minutes of one of those fucking things. Stop it. Women. This is what I, I'm liberating you. Tonight I have a dream. My dream is for you all to have super fucked up hair.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You're a regular Helen. Ready?

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

This is what I think. In the same way that men say they don't understand why women need to wear makeup and they just like the natural look. But then if they were ever to see a woman without makeup, they'd be like, I was wrong. Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think that you like us with straight hair.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You don't know what straighten it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Hiding.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But here's the thing. You got to make the move all at once.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're going to go without makeup that you're going to look like a disaster compared to everyone else who has the makeup on. You know, I mean it in the spirit in which it's intended.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

With great love and affection. Everyone needs to go without makeup. Everyone needs to go full Shirley Hemphill on the, on the hair at once. You see what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

It happened to me. Remember last week I wasn't, when we were doing shows in the studio. I don't always put on much makeup or any.

[Adam Carolla]

You look beautiful without it. You don't, you don't look much different. I thank you. Yeah, but no, I understand.

[Brian Bishop]

And I remember you noticed because you're like. Because it turned out for whatever reason we kept having to take photos and you keep, I kept getting caught off guard with photos.

[Adam Carolla]

But I mean like, like, honestly, if you're really saying like we have a society where it's like we want everyone to be equal. We want equal pay for everybody. We want women to be pilots and we want them to be engineers and all kinds of other unrealistic stuff for them to do. But we want that. Now listen to me. This is what we want. Except for they have thousands of hours spent in front of a mirror preening and curling and plucking and combing and whatever. That's all time we're doing studying and like guys are doing push ups and studying while you guys are doing that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your jerk off time.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, that's why the Asians are so smart. Cuz they don't have to do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

First off. I, I, you're right.

[Nikki Glaser]

Asian girls have the, that's right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that beautiful Skin.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's why they're doctors.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a good point.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the. In the. In the Eastern Indian women too.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they're all great Fitzsimmons. They have beautiful feet, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. All right, so the Asian and the Indian women are excelling because they have naturally glossy, straight hair. They have beautiful olivey kind of looking skin where they don't have to mess with it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Small vaginas.

[Adam Carolla]

Small vaginas. Interesting. Wow.

[Nikki Glaser]

We get it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, whitey. Now it's the white chicks and the black chicks. You guys got to get your hair on the same page and we got to move forward with our lives.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that true about the small vagina?

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know. You hear things. You do sideways vaginas and small. But I think the small thing is real.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the thing. It was real.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you heard of.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen enough Japanese porn to know that their counterparts.

[Nikki Glaser]

It would make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

That's real. So it seemed like a cruel joke for God to play on the fellow would. I mean, not enough, you know, Japanese porn. But obviously during the course of the day in my line of work, you run across Japanese porn. I mean, that's not right. You're just saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Just doing research.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of my job. Obviously. It's part of my job. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

How many clicks will it take? Like how. How long will you spend seeking out porn?

[Adam Carolla]

Depends. When someone's coming home versus Guys, please tell me. Please be honest with the porn conversation you've had with the wife or the girlfriend. In this case, the cell phone call. Where are you? Just checking in. So you're gonna go shopping and then come home, or are you just kind of coming straight home?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no. Just wanted to say hi. So are you heading home home now? Yeah. Hey, listen, give a call, you know, when you leave the Trader Joe's, just so I know you're safe and on your way. You know what? You know, forget that. Just give a toot on the horn when you're coming up the driveway so I can. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. To help with the groceries there. Yeah, There you go. That's why.

[Giovanni]

Didn't you want to. Didn't you want to test drive that land over? You should do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go test drive that. That's so. What. You know what? There's three years left on the Audi lease, but that'll pass in a blink of an eye. And why are you going to the. Why you going to Land Rover dealer next to the house. Go. The one in Thousand Oaks. That's a much better dealership. Ask for Lou. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Sweet Lou. All right, let's do one more story. What do we got?

[Brian Bishop]

Are you familiar with the Hyperloop? Do you know about this? So Elon Musk, who is the CEO of Motor Lube. Loop.

[Adam Carolla]

Loop everything. Sounds like lube to me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Elon Musk. Yeah. There's a guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, his name sounds like cologne.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, He. He invented Tesla Motors. Yes, he does. The space project. There's a guy didn't spend a lot of time on his hair. Sorry, I'm trying to help you. All right. The point is, Elon spent almost no time on his hair, and now he's in Meningit.

[Brian Bishop]

He's saying that he's gonna unveil plans for a new mode of transportation called the Hyperloop, which will. So this. A trip that would take six hours in a car will take half an hour. It's like a big. It's not invented yet. It's just the idea or the plans for it. He's not gonna patent it. It's open source. Is it Tube that would stay in place and it would transport you and you. It's not like, unlike a plane, where everyone gets in and then it takes off. Like, you just go. When you show up, like the things.

[Adam Carolla]

They would have at the bank in the old days where you'd put, like, your deposit slip into the vacuum.

[Brian Bishop]

If it is that. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I want to do the pneumatic two. I want to get Elon Musk and the Dyson vacuum guy together. I want to get those two guys in a room together. And then I want to get their flunky, semi alcoholic brothers in the room together with them and just really talk about where things went wrong. And they'd go like, well, Pops never. Well, Elon had the same dad you did, and he's working on the fucking Hyperloop. This guy's figured out a new filtration system and he has a ball instead of wheels. What are you. What are you working? I managed to Cinnabon over at the airport. Oh, that's gotta be interesting.

[Nikki Glaser]

But he has great hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I want to get those two guys and then they're flunky brothers in the same room together. All right, one more live spot over here. So how long we can get to New York in what, one hour?

[Brian Bishop]

Half an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Half an hour. So if we want to do a show at Caroline's.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, sorry. No, sorry. It's from San Francisco to LA in Half an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

So if we want to get soup, that's three hours. Side of bread, because that's the only thing they have to offer culturally now. It's chowder that's inside of a bowl that you can then eat.

[Brian Bishop]

Half an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that you can do that in half an hour.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's like half the time that a plane ride would take.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I love that. Go to meeting. Do I do go to meeting yet? Shit, It's Man Grias got me buzzed. Go to meeting with HD Faces, baby. You guys are all heavy hitters, except for this one's future husband over here. He not need. He doesn't need to apply. He doesn't need to apply. But all this is for all the entrepreneurs out there. Not. Not her, not you. This guys. This. This is for the business people. Go to meeting with HD Faces, brought to you by Citrix. You can launch meetings, you can join meetings. You can use your tablet. You use your smartphone, you use your computer. You don't have to get all the people together with the bad breath or the Italian guys with the funky deodorant. I'm half Italian, brother. You better watch it over there. Those are my people you're talking about. All your stinky Italian friends and paisans. Don't get them into the same room funkifying that place. Do it on your computer and do it free for 30 days. Visit GoToMeeting.com. that's GoToMeeting.com. click on the Try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right, baby girl, Half a story. What do we got? One more itty bitty little Diddy story.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, I'm trying to find an itty bitty one. Okay, well, here's one that is fascinating to me. It's the top ways we injure our genitals.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And shaving.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, did he? Oh, he didn't injure his genitals. He injured the part above his genitals. But anyway, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Who are we talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Yelled out Artie Langston. So.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay, so number seven, skiing and snowboarding.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Number six, baseball and softball.

[Adam Carolla]

Always funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Number five, basketball.

[Adam Carolla]

Still funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Number four, bathroom falls and mishaps.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Stuck on the towel bar on the way down. I mean, you know, when you're falling, your cock and balls get looped around the towel bar.

[Brian Bishop]

I hate that.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish I could have a related mishap in the bathroom.

[Brian Bishop]

Number three, zippers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Number two is worse. A little bit. Maybe razors, scissors, and clippers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, no, no, that's. They. That's. That's asshole on asshole crime. This is self inflicted. These are all the guys out there shaving their balls, trying to look hot, trying to make me look extra hairy by contrast. And they fucking sneeze when they got the Norelco out and it's goodbye Pepe.

[Brian Bishop]

And number one bicycles.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, listen. Yeah, you guys should be riding boys bikes and guys should be riding girls bikes, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I always wondered why it's like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Got a maniac one. Hey, the bike for dudes got a nice steel pipe, right? So the ball to the left. Ball, you know, it can split the balls. Left goes the left. Like, why would you put that steel pipe for. For you. That'd be fine. Land on that thing, we just have to pop it out of you. You know, it'd just be like, enjoyable, like trying to get a pop tart out of a toaster. But eventually we'd get that bike out of you. Yeah. All right. Bring it home, baby girl.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Tip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen. Ah, yeah. You guys watch Fox television, do you? You like the animation? The animation domination Fox, they got a new set of shows, by the way, coming out on Saturday night. It is animation domination and high def. And they got a late night block, by the way, and it's coming out. Let's see. July 27th on Fox late night starts Saturday, July 27th. A whole new slate of really funny crap coming from the guys who've been making the Family Guy and the Simpsons and all that kind of stuff for a million years. July 27, Fox Late Night High School USA and from Parks and Rec, Axe Cop gonna be on there with our good friend Nick Offerman. So check that out. Let's see. Ah, Nikki glaser, everybody. The TV show MTV 11 O' Clock, premieres July 30th. The podcast, you had to be there. Check that out and you can tweet her at Nikki Glazer if you like. And until next time, this Adam Crow for Nikki Glaser, Allison Rosen and Ball Brian saying mahalo. All right, that was Adam. Cool show.

[Giovanni]

11:29 with the great Nikki Glazer. That does it for today's Coral classics. Until next time, mahalo, and get it on.

[Brian Bishop]

Sam.