Norm Macdonald + Adam Ray (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Norm Macdonald + Adam Ray

Episode Date: March 13, 2026
Featured Segments:

• "Carolla Classics" spotlight: Norm Macdonald (from 2016)
• Interview with Adam Ray (Mad TV reboot, stand-up comic)

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode features the late, great Norm Macdonald in one of his best, most free-form, riff-laden podcast conversations with Adam Carolla. The discussion is classic Carolla—unfiltered, witty, and wide-ranging—with Norm's iconic dry humor and philosophical tangents. In the second half, Adam Ray joins for energetic banter, Mad TV talk, and a signature Carolla rant on traffic, government incompetence, and family "jiu jitsu." Both interviews exude an irreverent, candid tone, laced with memorable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Remembering Norm Macdonald (Starting ~01:14)

• Intro to Norm and heartfelt "Rest in peace" (01:18)
• Adam and Norm immediately riff about Adam’s $4.4 million Porsche—how do you get that kind of cash? (01:52)
  • Norm: “How the fuck do you get $4.4 million?”
  • Adam: “You gotta blow a lot of dudes. No, here’s how—you sell a whole bunch of your other cars…”

Paul Newman, Heroes & Celebrity Charity (02:22–04:30)

• Adam’s obsession with Paul Newman (“I did a documentary about Paul Newman racing.”)
• Norm: shares his “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” story—winning $500,000 for Newman’s “Hole in the Wall Gang” camp.
  • Hilarious: Norm gets added to their wish list for fundraising forever after winning ("They think I'm a guy with half a million dollars every fucking year." [02:59])

Hollywood Hypocrisy & Sex Symbol Archetypes (04:30–07:00)

• Adam muses on public admiration:
  • The faithful “one-woman man” vs. the notorious Hollywood lothario; if a guy is “decent” or middling, he’s judged harshest.
  • Norm: “If a guy gets divorced twice, he’s kind of a loser, but he gets divorced nine times, he’s a character.”

Anecdotes: Mickey Rooney & Celebrity Delusion (04:49–05:55)

• Norm riffs on Mickey Rooney—a star who believed he always had a chance with beautiful women due to Hollywood history.

Faithfulness vs. Notoriety (06:24–07:04)

• Adam and Norm break down David Spade’s improbable Hollywood romantic exploits, comparisons to Warren Beatty.

Stand-Up, Monogamy, and The Hollywood Social Ladder (06:55–07:55)

• Norm: David Spade “makes fun of it [Hollywood] and yet he’s deeply inside of it, balls deep.”
• Hilarious club/bar-hopping anecdote—Spade’s approach: “just goes places and exits.”

On Aging Stars & Tragedy (07:31–07:49)

• The luck of George Harrison: surviving cancer only to be stabbed by a home invader.
• Adam: “Did anyone think maybe hanging with the Dalai Lama isn’t what it’s cracked up to be… karma?”

Dealing with Stalkers & New Norm Macdonald Book (08:40–09:49)

• Norm mentions his own stalker—a 68-year-old lady.
• Adam plugs Norm’s book, Based on a True Story (Pulitzer nominee!), leading to a discussion on “truth” in memoirs vs. faulty memory:
  • Adam: “If you hang around with Kimmel… he’ll have a different version of almost every story…”

Hollywood “Coxmen” & the Long Game (10:01–11:41)

• In-depth hilarity about David Spade’s seduction strategies (“plays the long game,” quiet, self-deprecating, up on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”).
• Norm: “He’s got so many eyes.”
• Literary reference: Adam notes David Spade would be ranked in the “famous coxmen of the town”—Norm insists he’s higher than 13th, “maybe number one.”

Car Nerds Don’t Get Laid (21:34–22:56+)

• Adam: “This is why we don’t get laid and David Spade does,” referencing their deep knowledge of Hooper, Jan-Michael Vincent, and other pop culture minutiae.

Notable Exchange

• Norm: “Never act your age.”
• Adam: “Committed suicide.”
• Norm: “No, he didn’t. Now I think he did.”

Depression, Suicide, and Celebrity Fates (12:45–24:29)

• Intense section where they contemplate creative types, suicide (Norm describes Charles Rocket, Richard Farnsworth, and his own living will philosophy) with signature black comedy.
  • Norm: “Don’t pull the plug. Fuck it. Let me live for as long as possible, because maybe I’ll wake up.”

Are Happy People Just Dumber? (31:36–32:50)

• Adam asks Norm: “Are you too smart to be happy? … There’s a part of you that just knows too much.”
• Norm/Adam: riff on envy for simple, “dumber” bliss—Down Syndrome kids, happy dogs.

Notable Norm Bit

• “I do a joke about retards or Down Syndrome. …they’re the happiest people in the world…Some people are like, ah, look at those poor people. They don’t understand the horror of life. That’s the problem.”

A Day in the Life of Norm Macdonald (29:05, 65:53+)

• Adam requests Norm’s actual daily schedule.
• Norm: “I have a condo, and then my mother has a condo. So she and I have very similar lifestyles, so we're almost like a couple, really.” (29:41)
• Norm: “I wake up around…10 or 11… I have to eat…” (65:55)
• Breakfast: Count Chocula (“It’s just cereal. It's one of the most famous cereals in the world.”)
• Daily exercise: Putting on putting green (“Not in my house—community putting green”)
• Mom delivers his “tomato on rye”—open-face, not a sandwich, “almost like a pizza, but better.”
• Afternoon: TV, addictive YouTube spirals (“Midnight all of a sudden. That’s a problem in America.” [79:19])
• Avoids porn now (“Got desensitized… so misogynistic…”), chainsmokes at night, reads/writes tweets.
• Occasional philosophical digressions into the moderation of vices, collaboration in comedy, and the inability to work within sitcom norms.
• Conclusion: Norm is a self-acknowledged bad collaborator. Has “a very small world” now.

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Timestamped Memorable Quotes

• Norm (on charity expectations, 02:59):
  “They think I’m a guy with a half a million dollars every fucking year.”
• Adam (on Hollywood romantic legends, 04:30):
  “We appreciate the guy who’s been faithful to his wife for 47 years…and we also worship at the altar of the guy who fucked everything that wasn’t nailed down.”
• Norm (on Spade, 06:55):
  “He’s outside of Hollywood. He makes fun of it, and yet he’s deeply inside of Hollywood, balls deep.”
• Adam (on happy people, 31:04):
  “I’m jealous of these simple people who literally just sort of describe what’s happening and then laugh…”
• Norm (on “collaboration” in entertainment, 86:23):
  “Because the director will tell you to do it one way, and I go, I don’t want to do it. Seems pretty hacky that way…the problem [is], I’ve seen it work a thousand times.”

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Comedic Philosophizing, Celebrity Satire

• Deep Dive: Why mediocre comics (e.g., Drew Carey, Jim Belushi) have made fortunes in TV, vs. the genuinely gifted (“It’s not really a putdown—it’s more like you’ve made the most.” – Adam)
• Norm’s Take: “When I had a project, I worked very hard, but boy, I’m a bad collaborator, I’ll tell you that…The director will tell you to do it one way…they always say, trust me, I’ve seen it work a thousand times. That’s the problem.”
• Both Adam and Norm consider it a badge of honor to “not rehearse”—Trump debate comparison (“There’s nothing worse than the mock trial or the mock debate …you and I feel like we got enough in the tank that we can go out there and keep things going for 90 minutes.” [105:39])

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Adam Carolla’s Traffic/Government Rant & “Jiu Jitsu” Family Stories (Adam Ray Segment, ~117:00+)

• Epic Rant: Adam explodes on L.A. traffic, “chicken-shit” speed enforcement, useless government signs, and the need for actual public service campaign messaging ("Put it on the sign, say there's a $300 fine and it will be enforced." [124:13]).
• Adam Ray Joins (~151:00): Adam and Gina Grad riff about family “jiu jitsu” — relatives who have an uncanny ability to take your good news and boomerang it as a passive-aggressive dig.
• Examples:
  • Gina’s grandma: “Oh, she’s not Jewish…” (on her boyfriends)
  • Adam: “I just did a week on Hollywood Squares.” Grandpa: “Okay. You weren’t center square.”

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Favorite Segment: Real-Life Humblebrags

• Call-in stories:
  • “It’s really good you didn’t buy a house too big since you’re single still.” (163:21)
  • “Well, if you’re into all that weird food…” (after son shares promotion and worldwide travel [169:05])

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Mad TV, Commercial Parody Nostalgia, and More

• Mad TV Reboot, Sketches:
  • Adam Ray discusses Mad TV reboot on Hulu.
  • Playful throwback to The Man Show’s gross-out detergent, deodorant, and dildo commercials.
  • Memorable: Dr. Stefano’s Anal Emporium sketch: “So if you like quality merchandise, you love to save money and you don’t mind stuff that’s been in another person’s ass, come on down to Dr. Stefano’s Anal Emporium!” (201:28)

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Notable Quotes & Laughter Highlights

• Norm on the simple happiness of Down Syndrome people: "They’ll probably die happy. There’s no cure. Now, that’s what I think when I see people with Down Syndrome. There’s a certain amount of envy that you have." (32:20)
• Adam on David Spade: "He’s the aw shucks rapist."
  • Norm (deadpan): “Rapist.”
• On famous “cocksmanship”:
  • Norm: “I’d put [Spade] maybe number one.” (11:36)
• On YouTube spirals:
  • Norm: “You hit that one, then you hit another one, and then it’s midnight all of a sudden.”
• On vices:
  • Adam: “If I wake up in the morning and light a cigarette, I have to quit. But if you go home, work…then at the end of the night…you go out and enjoy a cigarette, you don’t have to quit.” (81:12)

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Enduring Themes

• The absurdity and irrationality of celebrity culture.
• Old-school vs. modern stand-up—authenticity over polish.
• What truly happy people know (or don't know).
• Self-sabotage and success—when genius and ambition are at odds.
• Family and cultural dynamics that shape ambition, self-worth, and humor.

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FINAL TALLY:

Essential Listen For: Fans of behind-the-curtain comedy, philosophy, and “off the leash” long-form riffing with two of the form’s deadliest practitioners.
Classic Line: “We’re the bums of comedy!” – (98:23)

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Important Timestamps

• [02:22] Paul Newman, racing, charity stories
• [06:26] David Spade: Hollywood’s “quiet cocksman”
• [10:46] Power of leaving (David Spade anecdotes)
• [19:34] Adam on Norm’s reclusive genius
• [29:05], [65:53+] “A Day in the Life” – Norm’s mundane routine
• [31:36] Happiness, intelligence, and envy
• [79:03] The YouTube black hole
• [81:52] Discussion: Vice, moderation, addiction
• [86:23] Collaboration and frustration with TV production
• [117:00+] Adam’s rant: LA traffic, governmental inertia
• [151:54+] Adam Ray "Jiu Jitsu" family insults
• [201:28] Dr. Stefano’s Anal Emporium sketch

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Conclusion

A wildly funny, poignant, and addictively digressive tribute episode, blending Norm Macdonald’s philosophical wit with Adam Carolla’s unfiltered rants and trademark cultural takedowns—plus some Mad TV and Man Show throwbacks to round out a classic couple of hours. This is prime Carolla for fans of comedy craft, backroom sausage-making, and the inexhaustible supply of oddities in both showbiz and everyday life.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Day or night, VRBoCare is here 24, 7 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home. We're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.

[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm your host, Super Van Giovanni.

[Brian Bishop]

This is the podcast we play the

[Adam Carolla]

best moments, highlights and fans like the

[Brian Bishop]

clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics available exclusively through podcast one.

[Adam Carolla]

You can find the ad free archives

[Brian Bishop]

and if you'd like to find the

[Adam Carolla]

ad free archives of the Adam Karla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show,

[Brian Bishop]

or get access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcola.com now on to the clips.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up, first day we have adam

[Brian Bishop]

Crolla show 1913 one on one with Norm MacDonald from back in 2016.

[Adam Carolla]

Rest in peace, Norm.

[Gary]

Adam's guest today, Norm MacDonald. And now a guy who doesn't drive being interviewed by a guy who just spent 4.4 million on a Porsche. Adam Corolla.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on, got to get it on. No choice but to get on mandate. Get it on Porsche. By the way, I've been corrected by snobs in the past. Norm MacDonald. Yeah. Good to see you, my friend.

[Norm MacDonald]

You too, pal. How the fuck do you get $4.4 million? Where's that? How fuck you get that?

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta blow a lot of dudes. No, here's how you get it. You sell a whole bunch of your other cars that you bought over the course of the last decade so that you can raise the money for the one car. So it's like sell five or six cars to raise some of the money for the one car.

[Norm MacDonald]

So is this like you love this car?

[Adam Carolla]

I did a documentary about Paul Newman racing and this is the car he drove at Le Mans, which was a big deal.

[Norm MacDonald]

Did you meet Paul Newman?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad, right?

[Norm MacDonald]

He invited me to because I was on who wants to be a Millionaire? Who Wants to be a Millionaire? And that was my charity, right? So I won a half a million dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold the wall Gang.

[Norm MacDonald]

Hold the wall Gang.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

But I didn't tell them. So they just got a check for 500 grand. 500 grand.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have got a million. So then, yeah, I'm gonna get into that.

[Norm MacDonald]

So then they keep sending me fucking. They want more money.

[Adam Carolla]

Like they think I. Oh, it's like an alumni association.

[Norm MacDonald]

They think I'm a guy with a half a million dollars every fucking year. So I'm like, no, I don't have a half a million.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this Norm MacDonald, he must be some sort of shipping magnet or something. I've never heard of him, but he evidently has very deep pockets and loves homeless children. So we should just keep him up for money.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's exactly what he was going to meet me. So he's my hero, kind of. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Newman's your hero.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, I love all his movies and I love how he's conducted his life.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy, do I have a documentary for you.

[Norm MacDonald]

Really? Yeah, the one you made?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all about his racing life.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, that's awesome. Because. Yeah, I love that. I don't know how old he was, but he was 40 or something. You know, he was. When he started racing, 40s. Became one of the best four time drivers. Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I got two of his championship cars 100ft from here.

[Norm MacDonald]

And he's. By all evidence, he was monogamous with Duran Woodward. You know, he wasn't a player when he was the most handsome guy ever. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's weird? I just thought about Norm. I think you might appreciate this. Conceptually we appreciate two dudes. We appreciate the guy who's been faithful to his wife for 47 years and never looked the other way with all the trappings of Hollywood. And we then thus also worship at the altar of the guy who fucked everything that wasn't nailed down. That guy was serious cockspit. I mean, boy, did he fucked everyone. We don't. But when someone goes, he fucked like eight chicks over the course of 40 years, we go, I don't know about him.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, you know, it's like, if a

[Adam Carolla]

guy, like it's feast or famine in the, in the fucking department. One chick or 180.

[Norm MacDonald]

If a guy gets divorced twice, he's kind of a loser, but he gets divorced nine times. He's a character.

[Adam Carolla]

Ladies man. Yeah, Hide the daughters when he comes into town.

[Norm MacDonald]

I met Mickey Rooney. So, you know, he was the biggest star in the world and he was married.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm's eating, by the way.

[Norm MacDonald]

Anyone wants to know what's going on? So he was married to. I don't know, but it was like Ava Gardner, like Seven beautiful women. The biggest women in most beautiful women in Hollywood.

[Gary]

So.

[Norm MacDonald]

So in his head, he still thought he could get these women, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it works on chicks. It doesn't work on dudes. What I'm saying is.

[Norm MacDonald]

You mean like Bea Arthur or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, if I found out that Lorenzo Lamas Jr. Was banging Bea Arthur 10 years ago, I wouldn't go, well, fuck, give me a piece of that shit. I'd go, he's got a mental condition. But women, when they find out that. That Sophia Loren is sucking off this fat producer, then they go, oh, must be good enough for me. You see how it works?

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, did Sophia Loren suck off a fat producer?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you think we know her name,

[Norm MacDonald]

My Lord?

[Adam Carolla]

God, I don't. I don't know for sure.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, you're allowed on this show to just slam her.

[Adam Carolla]

We could say what we want. Well, no, I'm not. Look, she's a dear friend. Sophie's a dear friend. No, I don't know her background. All I can say for sure is this, that it works this way with women. If there's one dude who beds a Kardashian and a Paris Hilton, he'll then get in a Lindsay Lohan. He'll get to mow through other Hollywood

[Norm MacDonald]

hot chicks like David Spade. Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, David Spade is that guy.

[Norm MacDonald]

And I would say he's the. He's more. Because Warren Beatty was always the gold standard. But Spade doesn't have the looks of Warren Beatty.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the Aw, shucks rapist.

[Norm MacDonald]

Rapist.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know why you brought up rapist, my lord. No, what I'm saying is Spade has quietly mowed through the entire bevy of blondes in this town, but he does it in a sort of unassuming way.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, Spade is an interesting character because he's outside of Hollywood. He makes fun of it, and yet he's deeply inside of Hollywood, balls deep.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot.

[Norm MacDonald]

Many would argue, you know, he'll be on red carpets. And I went out with him one time. He's like, let's go to a bar. We go to a fucking bar. And then, you know, people let us in, which is horrible. You know, like, past everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Let those guys in. Spade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There goes Spayed. And his bodyguards, his haggard bodyguards.

[Norm MacDonald]

Haggard is right. So I've never seen a picture of George Harrison. Not haggard.

[Adam Carolla]

He's somewhere. He's be haggard. He's like, beleaguered and haggard. Like, he's haggard with a beleaguered haggard. Yeah. How about the fact that George Harrison. Oh, and we got to get back to this. How about the fact that he just got done beating cancer and a mad person broke into his estate and stabbed him repeatedly?

[Norm MacDonald]

I forgot about that. Jesus Christ. That's bad luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone think that maybe hanging with the Dalai Lama isn't what it's cracked up to be like in terms of karma?

[Norm MacDonald]

How do you get into those? Like, remember that guy was going to jump over and rape Steven Spielberg and

[Adam Carolla]

duct tape his mouth? I don't know why you're so fixated on rape, but continue. That's what I'm saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'm just playing. I've.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems easier. It is that kind of thing where it's like, what happened? Well, George Clooney was in Toronto shooting for three weeks and a woman moved into his house. It's like, it seems a little casual considering there's walls and security cameras and alarm systems.

[Norm MacDonald]

But yeah, Letterman would come home and there'd be a lady. Yeah. That thought he was his wife waiting in bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Twice.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, my Lord. I have a stock at this. My stalker.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you have a stalker. Well, hold on a second. Hold on a second.

[Norm MacDonald]

68 year old lady.

[Adam Carolla]

I want a plug and I want. I want to get back.

[Norm MacDonald]

All right, I'll eat an almond.

[Adam Carolla]

Eat an almond. Eat a almond. Eat a almond. Based on a true story, A memoir. It's Norm's book. It's available now on Amazon. You can bookmark [e-mail] and put a little wind in the sails of the pirate ship. A nice scene. Nominated for Pulitzer Prize. Is that for this book? For the book. Wow. Good on you, man.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, man.

[Adam Carolla]

God bless you. The book was really good. It was interesting. Wait, you read it? Yeah. And I don't even know how to read.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

I went home last night and I read it because. And it started off with a very interesting statement, which is, this is based on true events. But if you really try to dissect what a true event is, it's only as you remember it anyway. And if you hang around with Kimmel long enough and you did enough episodes in the man show and you drank enough beer, he'll have a different version of almost every story that I'm locked

[Norm MacDonald]

off in the story and you know it's false. But the other guy, he goes, you caught a big fish. You go, I've never fished in my life. He's convinced you caught a big fish in his stupid head.

[Adam Carolla]

So the story is Is whimsical, but there's many parts of it that are based in truth. Growing up where you did in Canada on a farm and things like that. But very funny. A very good read. So. And nominated for Pulitzer Prize. So how bad can it be? All right, so you and David Spade are. Walk into a bar.

[Norm MacDonald]

Okay. Oh, I was saying that. Yeah. So, yeah, so we go into the bar. So it's packed with people, you know, and I don't like a lot of people. And then you get a little fucking plastic drink and you drink. And then Spade goes, let's get out of here. And I'm like, what? And I don't even want to be there. And you know, you're an inch from somebody's face. And so then we go to another bar. He does the exact same thing, right? Let's get out of here. So he just goes places and exits.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think there's a power, I think there's a certain power in leaving.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I guess there is. Yeah. But with women, he, you know, he's, he plays the long game. Like he's always texting them, you know, he doesn't bid them the night he meets them like a year later.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

But he's got so many eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

He fucks them in the bathroom. Yeah, but not on a bed. Never on a bed. I hear what you're saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'm reading between the lines now. It's going to stop saying that about David.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, what he does is he quietly, like, here's what I'm saying, here's what I'm saying. If you had a list of the famous Coxmen of the town with the Warren Beatty's of the world and the Wilt Chamberlains and stuff like that, somewhere in the 13th spot would be David Spade. And everyone would go, how'd he get on this list? A cute little blonde guy.

[Norm MacDonald]

Way farther up than that. Way farther up. I'd put him maybe number one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I'm saying in terms of sheer numbers. Quietly goes about his business.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes, he does.

[Adam Carolla]

Until we start talking about it.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know we shouldn't. Yeah, he's very like self deprecating about it, but he also, you know, he knows everything that a young girl knows, like that beautiful 20 year old, he can talk to them about keeping up with the Kardashians and you know, whatever the hell. And then if I tried to talk to a young girl, I go, you ever watch Matlock? You know, it wouldn't work. But he has the same exact interest that they Do. So it really works, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My problem is I'm too technical. I like cars and building. Oh, yeah. So it's always trouble. Like, it's always. Well, Newman's, he ran in the Trans Am series, but it was really a 300zx with a turbo and a V6 on it. So it wasn't. Yes, it was the Trans Am series, but it was not a Pontiac Trans Am. And I can see her stabbing herself. No, she's attempting to kill herself by falling on her mascara pen.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, God. Stabbing yourself is a certain type of suicide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know a person that did it, and Charles Rocket did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second. We talk about Artie Lange.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, I forgot about Arnie Lang.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, a friend of mine, when I started in Canada, he killed himself, much like Charles Rocket. He went outside and stabbed himself naked. And Charles Rocket did that in the snow. It's a very.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Charles Rocket?

[Norm MacDonald]

He was. He was the. The update host that got fired for saying fuck on the air.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was that? You don't remember that, evidently? No, because I'm asking who he was, but before you.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, he was pretty famous. Like, they were trying to make him a Chevy Chase.

[Adam Carolla]

And Dennis after. Before now.

[Norm MacDonald]

Before Dennis. Before Dennis, he was with.

[Adam Carolla]

What year are we talking about?

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, God. The cast was, like, Denny Dillon and, I think Gilbert Gottfried.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

80, 81. And then his death was in 05.

[Adam Carolla]

He stabbed himself.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. What does it say about his death?

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

He slit his own throat.

[Norm MacDonald]

Jesus.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

In the field.

[Norm MacDonald]

Christ. He slit his own throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Norm MacDonald]

So, yeah, there's something. You know, you would think if you took yourself out, you'd want to do it. Like, you'd think of the easiest way. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Not the most painful.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, for me, it's a one, two punch. Like, for me, it's. I don't want to experience pain and I'm lazy. I wouldn't want to hike to the top of a suspension bridge. You know what I mean? Or something like that.

[Norm MacDonald]

So what would you do then?

[Adam Carolla]

I got to go pills and booze. I'd probably consult Dr. Drew. Like, I don't want to. Here's what I'm looking for, Drew. I don't want to go all Terry Schiavo. You know what I mean?

[Norm MacDonald]

You don't want to fail.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't want to spend the next 20 years with a load in my pants hooked up to a respirator.

[Norm MacDonald]

There was a guy that was on Seinfeld. Somebody will look this Up, I'm sure. But there's an audio of him phoning 911. He tried to kill himself. He shot himself in the head and he lived. And he phones 911 and he's like, yeah, I'm here. I was gonna get my foot amputated tomorrow because he had diabetes. So he says, I decided to kill myself, but I'm alive and I shit my pants.

[Adam Carolla]

He worked that into the. I guess it's a nice courtesy. Heads up to the ambulance guys, right?

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, the cops come, like, you know, it's a 20 minute. They stay on the line. Daniel Von Bargen, Daniel Von Bargain, who played George's boss. George's boss for the Seinfeldian.

[Adam Carolla]

You know a lot about this stuff.

[Norm MacDonald]

It was just a thing, but he. And then he later died. But. But anyways. Yeah. And then the cops come and they're going in.

[Adam Carolla]

They're going, okay, where's the gun?

[Norm MacDonald]

Where's the gun? He's like, it's over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, I'm no threat.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Norm, I was watching you and Regis.

[Norm MacDonald]

Regis, wasn't he? Oh, oh, the millionaire thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I've had this happen on a much smaller scale where you've done the stupid thing for me. It was like Jeff Foxworthy. I was trying to be smarter than a zygote. And you give your answer and they go, are you sure? And you go, why? And they go, cause. And you know, it's a celebrity thing, so they may be helping you out because once you lock it in, it's final. And you go, oh, well, hold on. Maybe it's Cape Horn. Is it Cape Horn that I'm talking about? Maybe it's not the Mariana. And then you go, okay, if you're sure. And you go, well, I was, but now I'm not. Regis. God, he fucking gaslit you.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, he didn't. What happened was I thought he knew the answers. Or I thought even if he doesn't know the answers, he's real smart. But it turns out he doesn't know any of the. He doesn't know anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So.

[Norm MacDonald]

But what happened was. During the break.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is for the million dollars.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. No, but right before the million dollar question, Regis said, we gotta take some time off because Notre Dame's planned. That's his. His team. So he wanted to watch it. And I had all this money on it. So he's like, how much money do you have on it? So I told him. He's like, what? So he's like, are you just. Because I had guessed.

[Adam Carolla]

How much money did he have on it?

[Norm MacDonald]

I had money on it. He was a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

How much did you have on it?

[Norm MacDonald]

A lot.

[Adam Carolla]

How many? Think ballpark.

[Norm MacDonald]

So he was worried.

[Adam Carolla]

What ballpark?

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't know. 50. 50.

[Adam Carolla]

50,000?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Norm MacDonald]

So I was pretty into it. And you wanted to know. I wanted to know. So then when he and I had just guessed on an. For 500,000, it was a question about. Here was the question. Who wrote O Calcutta with John Lennon? So I didn't know anything about musicals. There was four answers. One of them was Beckett. So I thought, well, oh, Calcutta sounds like a depressing fucking bleak thing. I mean, anything I ever heard about Calcutta?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, sure.

[Norm MacDonald]

Bunch of shit in the street, like human shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Human shit? Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

So I say, well, Beckett used to write about human shit a lot. So I guessed. So he knew I guessed. And I said it fast, like, final answer. Because I didn't want him to stop.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

And so then we go on the break, and he realizes I'm a compulsive gambler. So then when we get back, then he wants to protect me. That's all he was trying to do. And actually, if I had answered the million dollars, it would have been better for the show because they have an insurance policy that if someone wins the million, the insurance company pays. So the half a million is the worst thing that could happen to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Because it's the maximum amount they have to pay.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting. Yeah. What people don't realize is if you want to do some sort of contest, like you put the piece of plywood in front of the hockey goal, and it's got the little cutout that's as big as a mousetrap, and the guy's going to hit it from the blue line if it goes through. And you win a million bucks. That's insured.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes, right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So the hockey. Whoever owns the team doesn't pay. They pay some underwriter 15 grand who does a bunch of calculations, and they'll. They'll pay the million bucks if. If on the off chance the puck goes through and hits the net.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, they know those guys, those underwriters or whatever they're called, are fascinating. It's like the character that Edward G. Robinson played in Double Indemnity, where he was. He does a great speech where he goes, death by. Death by. I can't do it. But he's like, listen, because the guy died from jumping off a train. He goes, listen. Death by jumping off a bridge. 14% death by. And he had all the deaths. You know what the percentage was? He goes death by jumping off a train. 0%.

[Adam Carolla]

Anchoring SNL's news and slitting your throat, way less than 0%. So you, you go on Letterman, you knock it out of the ballpark, you break down in tears, then you on SNL as well, and hit a home run. Is there a thing, same year, I think yes. Is there a thing with you? So, Norm, I'm always trying to figure this out with you. On one hand, you're a little reclusive, you got a little Howard Hughes in you. Well, mad genius kind of a thing. Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

But you got the Howard Hughes where you're buying the $4 million for.

[Adam Carolla]

On the other hand, the better side of Howard Hughes, you also have the part where you clean up, you pull it together, take a shave. Take a shave.

[Norm MacDonald]

Take a shave and you go out

[Adam Carolla]

there and hit a home run.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's true. Seven minutes. I can do that.

[Adam Carolla]

So why not do that all the time?

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't know. Because you have that gear.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a gear you can go into.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I don't think Jan Michael Vincent can find that gear on his transmission. Sorry for the car metaphor, but I'm saying you find that gear.

[Norm MacDonald]

Why did you say Jan Michael Vincent?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm thinking of a guy who really can't clean up, straighten up, get a shave, put on a suit and get out there and hit a home run and do something that you do, like a stand up set with the skill that it takes. Or go on Saturday Night Live and hit a home run. And that department. I don't think that's within his grasp.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, but he was the most handsome guy in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then booze shows you what booze can do. You know, took away his looks.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

But it's strange you said that because I follow him on Twitter and then you do. I DM'd him. And then this other guy goes, it's not him. Because like on that, he's real, like belligerent. On his, he's like, ah, fuck you, you cocksuckers. I got no. You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a big star in the early 70s and he was really just kind of known for. He was Patrick Swayze before Patrick Swayze was Patrick Swayze. It's like if you were looking for a guy to take his shirt off in a movie, it would have been Jan Michael Vincent. And I don't mean all roided up and puffed up. I just mean a natural, great athletic Physique. A great, great luck.

[Norm MacDonald]

Nobody more handsome. Airwolf.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Mechanic.

[Adam Carolla]

World's greatest athlete.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, the world's greatest athlete. What? No, that was. That was Kurt Russell.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was him. We got to figure out whether it was him or not. And then I believe it was Kurt Russell. But maybe that was funny.

[Norm MacDonald]

You said that was one of the first movies I ever saw. Hooper. So excited. He was in Hooper.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he was in Hooper. And I think he was in Big Wednesday too. Maybe.

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't even know what that is. He was in the Mechanic with Charles Bronson.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he was in Hooper with Burt Reynolds.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, he wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

What would it have sounded like if Jan, Michael Vincent was asking Burt Reynolds about a stunt? What would Bert's advice be to Jan?

[Norm MacDonald]

He called him Gags.

[Adam Carolla]

Gags, that's right. Yeah. He played Ski and Hooper.

[Norm MacDonald]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm blowing your mind because usually, see

[Norm MacDonald]

this, I've seen Hooper.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, Brian Keith is brilliant in Hooper. Yes. This is why we don't get laid. And David Spade does. When you're talking to a hot 23 year old who just moved here from Indiana and you're talking to her about Jan, Michael Vincent and. Oh, and Brian Keith.

[Norm MacDonald]

Never, never act your age.

[Adam Carolla]

Committed suicide.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, he didn't. Now I think he did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now we'll look up that one.

[Norm MacDonald]

And I think also Marcus Welby, World's greatest athlete.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he was world's greatest athlete, Jay.

[Norm MacDonald]

Michael Vincent was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you got Kurt Russell screwed up because he did all the Disney movies, but not the world's greatest athlete. Or maybe he was in it, but

[Norm MacDonald]

Jan, was he in it? Can we find out if he was in it?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian Keith committed suicide.

[Norm MacDonald]

Jeez. You know, there's a great movie. If you ever want to see a great movie that's sort of forgotten, it's by David lynch. And I'm not really a David lynch guy. I don't understand movies that are weird.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you.

[Norm MacDonald]

But he made a movie that was straight out uncomplicated called the Straight Story, based on a guy who drove his lawnmower across the country to see his brother.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember that.

[Norm MacDonald]

And it was an old guy named Richard Farnsworth. And so Richard Farnsworth played this role riddled with cancer, but he didn't tell anyone. And he was up for the Academy Award. And if he had told anyone, he would have won the Academy Award, right? For sure. And I remember seeing him on the Tonight show, frail and anyways, he went out they called it the. Because he was a stuntman before, and they call it the stuntman's death. You take a shotgun, you know, and with your toe, you press the gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That's all we got.

[Norm MacDonald]

Just so. And you don't want to burden your family. So he told no one in his family. And it's sort of nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to be burdened. I mean, I'd like to burden family members. That's the way I feel.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, you know, I have a.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, maybe I'll go Thelma and louise with that $4 million Porsche, just drive it right into the Grand Canyon.

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't know if you would, though.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be a good way to go.

[Norm MacDonald]

I have a living will, which is exactly what you're talking about. Like, what would you do in case. Right? And I had to think about it, and I said, don't pull the plug. Fuck it. Let me live for as long as possible, because maybe I'll wake up. I don't fucking know. Maybe I'll be conscious and I can hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Because I know if I don't have a living will, everybody will just go, hey, what did you think Norm would want? And they go, he told me he'd want to die. Let's pull that plug and kill him. So you don't have to, you know. So you don't have to be a burden. Which means your mother doesn't have to go and, you know, miss her bridge game to touch her hand.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want that, her stroking your hand instead of playing bridge. Norm, what is. I want to tease this.

[Norm MacDonald]

I wouldn't even get one plug. I'd like a series of plugs. If you have one plug, then you get a janitor with one of those big brooms. Be sure to hit the plug.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like one of my family members would be like, oh, man, my phone needs to be charged. And someone else would go, hey, that machine's breathing for Adam right now. And they'd go, yeah, but I feel like we got a few minutes before he flatlines. Let me get a quick charge in. And that's what. That's the way I would.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then I always think I'd hear, oops. You know what I mean? I think I always think I'd be conscious enough to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

For some reason, I want to know.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know, it's a really sad story. I looked at Michael Palin's Facebook page, and Terry Jones has dementia. Michael Palin wrote a long article. See, this wouldn't work with a Girl either.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Not Mr. Spade never brings this stuff up. He's talking about emojis and shit. Hey, Norm, I'll tell you what I would like.

[Norm MacDonald]

What about when Hillary said, I want to find out what you college students think of tuition in four emojis or less.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what she said? I want you to tell me what a day in the life of Norm MacDonald is. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm teasing here. I don't want the one where you have to go out to Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, San Francisco, October 7th through the 9th. Or South Point Casino in Las Vegas, October 21st through the 23rd. I want to know what just an average I'm at home on a Tuesday is. I want to know what time you wake up. I want to know what you watch. I want to know what you eat for breakfast. I want to know how you navigate this city without the use of an automobile or at least a license to operate one. I just want you to think about your average weekday at home. Gambling foibles, possible master masturbation, the entire thing. All right? Now, I'll tell you guys about Rich Uncle.

[Norm MacDonald]

My entire life, you're asking me just

[Adam Carolla]

one day, just one day in 2016, which would you rather do with your money? Would you rather put it in the bank and earn less than 1% or be the bank's landlord and get over 6.5%? The latter. Yeah, it's rhetorical, man. Wait a minute. Isn't the former. Oh, wait a minute. Rich Uncles. It's a reit. R E I T Real estate investment Trust pools. The money gets all the investors together and then gets the real estate and leases it out to creditworthy tenants like Walgreens, Chase Bank. Guys like that. So easy. You guys want to get into some commercial real estate, but maybe you don't get enough scratch to get started. That's all right. Go to Rich Uncles. And I talked to Howard, from Rich Uncles. Good guy into it. People try it out, they get started, and then they always get hooked and they always come back because it's an earner. And whatever you're getting at the bank is way less than 1%. It's not even worth it. So go to their website. It's Rich Uncles REIT. Rich Uncles R E I T A Reggae Tier 2 offering for yourself. Go to richuncles.com, that's richuncles.com or give them a call. 855-rich-uncles.

[Brian Bishop]

Rich Uncle's REIT is seeking indications of

[Adam Carolla]

interest concerning its Reg.

[Brian Bishop]

A Tier 2 securities offering any indication of interest involves no obligation or commitment of any kind. No money or other consideration is being solicited, and if sent, response will not be accepted. No sales will be made or commitments to purchase accepted until the offering statement is qualified. This media outlet is being paid under $15,000 by rich uncles for this single message.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Norm MacDonald, based on a true story. Pulitzer Prize nominated, very good book. What is a Day in the Life for you, Norm?

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, it's sort of. I don't know if it's coincidental you asked me that, because when you write an autobiography, that's where you have to sort of examine your life, which can be a terrifying endeavor. But, yeah, I found that my life was very mundane, but I haven't, you know, it's true. I have a small world, but I now live in a community, and I have my mother, who lives in the next building.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you in a condo?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes, I have a condo, and then my mother has a condo. And so she and I have very similar lifestyles, so we're almost like a couple, really. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you seeing anybody?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, your mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. I should have been inferring that. Sorry.

[Norm MacDonald]

You're having sex with me. I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I hear what you're saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'm not seeing anyone romantic because, you know, I got my mother.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah. No one has a mom.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I mean, is your mother alive?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sadly.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, good. Oh, my God. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a dick.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, you love me.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't deserve me.

[Norm MacDonald]

You love me. I've heard you talk. I've heard you talk about your mother. Yeah, but my mother is amazing. And, you know, people say their mother's a saint, but my mother actually is. She judges no one, which is incredible. She's happy. Do you ever meet people that are super happy? Like, she will, without a trace of irony, come back. She never has any irony in her. Her eyes shine, love. But she will come back and she'll go, norm, I have the most amazing story. The funniest thing happened at the grocery store. I like what happened. She's like, there was a woman in there. She bought, like, a pineapple, and it was $1.49, but last week it was $1.19. I'm like, that's not a fucking story, you old bag. There's no point. But it made all happy. I'm like, well, I'd trade places with

[Adam Carolla]

you, even though I'm jealous of the happy people, and I'm jealous of these simple people who Literally just sort of describe what's happening and then laugh. Like they'll go, look at that dog. And you'll go, yeah. And they go, it's up on his hind legs. And you go. And you think, I know. I'm standing here and I'm watching what it's doing. I'm walking on its hind legs. And you go, yes, that's what's happening.

[Norm MacDonald]

My mother reads things. Well, we're driving in a car. She'll go, like, Ed's Auto Shop. Oh, like a sign that's angering. Yeah. I go, what? What? What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you and I don't. Please take this. And it's not even a put down. Are you too smart to be happy? Do you know too much? You know what I'm saying? There's a part of you that just knows too much. You've seen too much, you've been around too many people. And it's just not to be happy. But I mean to be easily amused.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, you know, I don't want to do a joke for my act, but do it. No, I do a joke about retards or down syndrome. The R word. About how everybody would feel sorry for them, but yet they're the happiest people in the world. You know, some people are like, ah, look at those poor people. They don't understand the horror of life. That's the problem. They'll probably die happy. There's no cure. So now that's what I think when I see people with down syndrome. There's a certain amount of envy that you have.

[Adam Carolla]

I have it with my dog.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, dogs, Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, my dog's whole body wags when I come walking through the house and it just couldn't be happier.

[Norm MacDonald]

Or a dog also can throw up and then just be happy again. You know what I mean? Like, if you throw up, you go, oh, I gotta lie in bed. Like, something might happen to me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point.

[Norm MacDonald]

Or you see a dog with three legs, he's not mourning his leg. He's life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, dogs are. They're dogged, pardon the pun. Because it's like, I eat soft shell crab, I get food poisoning, and then I decide I'm never eating soft shell crab again. My dog eats a flip flop, throws up, and then decides he's got room for another flip flop.

[Norm MacDonald]

Or he eats the digest.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he'll eat that. And then he'll eat some, he'll eat the next flip flop.

[Norm MacDonald]

What is a flip flop? Oh, I mean a shoe. A shoe?

[Adam Carolla]

A Shoe, Sorry.

[Norm MacDonald]

Kind of a nationality. You got a big dog that's a

[Adam Carolla]

hundred and fifteen pound Black Lab.

[Norm MacDonald]

What is it, a Newfoundland? Oh, Black Lab.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a Black Lab. He's a sweet ton of dog. All right, so what time do you go to bed at now? What time do you wake up in the morning?

[Norm MacDonald]

It depends on when I go to bed. But I go to bed pretty late, I'm guessing. Yeah, because you know what? I.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're done cuddling with your mom and it's lights out. About what time?

[Norm MacDonald]

My mom goes to bed early.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's back to the unit. I gotta stay up and gamble.

[Norm MacDonald]

Remember, I live in a different place than my mother.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not what I hear.

[Norm MacDonald]

Sleep in a different bed.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not the way I heard it, but I may be wrong. Is there gambling? Is there daily gambling going on?

[Norm MacDonald]

Like Norman Bates? No, no, the gambling is done.

[Adam Carolla]

The gambling done?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I'm done with gambling.

[Adam Carolla]

How long's it been?

[Norm MacDonald]

Six weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Six weeks? So no more gambling?

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, I don't know. Not for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you able to quit cold turkey, or did you have to go to a program?

[Norm MacDonald]

No, no, no. I just quit. But here's what. Here's my big problem. Very good at selecting certain games. Like, for instance, I picked Rory McElroy to win when he was on golf. Probably 151. I don't know what the odds were, but anyways, I have very good picks. So then I'll get an online account. Now, I think this is illegal. I'm not sure, but I'll get an online account and put $10,000 in it. Try to not spend that much, right? So then I pick my pick that I really believe in. $2,500. Then it comes in. Now I have 12,500. Now, I bet on every fucking thing right now, I don't know anything about baseball. I'm just betting. So then eventually, of course, it.

[Adam Carolla]

So what is. We got a guy who's been on hold for a million years, but I still want to hear the schedule.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm interested in Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fascinated. I think a lot of people are.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'll tell you moment by moment.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on, Jake. 20. Detroit.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Hey, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Just wanted to say big, big fan. I saw you last April in Royal Oak, and you're amazing.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, I love Royal Oak.

[Adam Carolla]

Royal Oak is great.

[Norm MacDonald]

Have you done Royal O?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's outside of Detroit, so.

[Norm MacDonald]

Great. Yeah. Detroit. Yeah. You drive through Detroit a Lot of fixer uppers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, yep.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then you get to Royal Oak, which is really nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Beautiful theater.

[Norm MacDonald]

Sorry, Jake.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

No, yeah. So my question is. So in an interview with HuffPost Live, talking about when you hosted SNL, you said that you had an idea that you're gonna just leave and not do the rest of the show. As your model, you said that someone talked you out of it, and I was just wondering who that was that talked you out of it.

[Norm MacDonald]

There was three writers that I didn't use any of the writers from Saturday Night Live. Instead, I picked these three genius writers that used to write on Saturday Night Live. So we wrote the whole show, and so the writers really hated us anyway, but that was my idea. I was like, yeah, I'll just do the monologue and leave.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great idea.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then I thought it would be really good for the show, you know, I mean, a ton of press, make huge news. And also, they would have to, you know, they would have to, on the fly, change sketches and stuff. It would be very exciting, you know, completely. Will Farrow would have to jump in and, you know, be. Take my role. Yeah. And, you know, Sherry Oteri would have to be Burt Reynolds or something, you know, and then I thought. And then one writer said, you know, I explained that to him, and he said, well, you're saying, like, you're gonna do something that's gonna be good for snl, and then it's gonna be really bad for you, and you could be just walking out of show business if you do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I had this thing that's along the same lines, and I think it's groundbreaking. I think it would be interesting. And you're right, it would force. Thanks, Jake.

[Norm MacDonald]

It would make it live.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for not seeing me when I was at Royal Oak out there. Appreciate that.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Oh, Adam, you gotta come again. Come again. I'll see ya.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. That's what you said last time. You were probably 16 and a half or 17. You were a little young when I was there last, but thanks. No, it would force SNL to kind of do what they claim to do in a certain sense, like a lot of improv sketch groups. Like, you'd really have to do it in real life time. That would be very exciting, and I think it would be really exciting. We would be totally groundbreaking. And I bet it would even work, and I bet the audience would even like it once they caught on to it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, yeah. That it was real.

[Adam Carolla]

I had this idea, Norm, and you tell me what you think of this. I Love the Sopranos. At a certain point, when they weren't going to continue anymore, it was Gandolfini. All the other cast members were like, we'd love to do season 20.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, is that right? Well, that makes sense. Sure. I remember Big Pussy going.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like as I. As I prodded around a little and asked some of the guys, when I'd interview them, they'd go, we would kind of like it. But we respect James. We respect James. But you could tell. Yeah. They wanted to do another. Another season. You know, just like the guy from Wham. Wants to get back together, you know, like, just like I want to do a man show tour with Jimmy.

[Norm MacDonald]

Like the three guys from aftermash.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Harry Potter, Gary Berghoff and Jamie Klinger.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll kill themselves.

[Norm MacDonald]

Jimmy Farrer.

[Adam Carolla]

But now.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes. This is your idea.

[Adam Carolla]

This is my idea. I said Ted McGinley, the guy who would show up. The good looking guy who would show up to Happy Days.

[Norm MacDonald]

He'd show up to every show at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Married With Children. Even the reboot of the Love Boat. I said I would watch and I think everyone would watch. We just swap out Gandolfini with McGinley. Right. But we don't alter the scripts or anybody else around him. It's all the exact same dialogue. It's all the exact same thing. They call him the same thing. The wife responds, the kids the same. They're at the club, the Bada Bing. It's all exactly the same as if you were just going and doing season 11. It's just Ted McGinley.

[Norm MacDonald]

So it would become a comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it'd be a surreality. Like, you wouldn't. I don't know what it would be, but I would watch it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wouldn't you? Yes, absolutely. That's fascinating.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't play. You wouldn't tell Ted to put on weight or do anything or even dress differently. Just be.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. If you used whatever. I can't think of another guy, young Ed Asner or something, then that idea wouldn't work.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he'd just be him and he'd be Tony and everything would be exactly the same.

[Norm MacDonald]

That would be. I would definitely think you'd watch one

[Adam Carolla]

season of that, wouldn't you?

[Norm MacDonald]

Fascinating experiment. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Somebody I want you to still think about A day in the life of Norm MacDonald. Bryce, 25, West Hollywood.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Hey, how's it going, guys?

[Norm MacDonald]

Hey, Bryce.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Big fan of both you. You're my comedy heroes.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. We're mistaken for one.

[Norm MacDonald]

One another. Yes. Often. What do you do when you're mistaken. Because when I'm mistaken, I just go, yeah, yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

But anyway, I thought this was the perfect opportunity to call you now that you're both in the room together. I got fired about a month ago from a very well paying gig for doing a Norm MacDonald joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear the joke.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Well, I know how much Norm hates this, so I'm gonna do the least insulting impression of him as I possibly can. I'm not gonna do it.

[Norm MacDonald]

You can do. You can do the J. Marsh. I don't care.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

But basically, I hosted a show at Harry Potter World which paid about 300 bucks a day.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

And at the time, I was obsessed with Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

So my stage manager and I would always just be talking about Norm MacDonald backstage. And the problem was, was on this day, we were having a lot of sound issues that were messing up with the speakers, our iPad, which controlled the entire master system.

[Adam Carolla]

So are you. Are you at Universal Studios at this point?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

So I'm hosting a show in front of about 2,000 kids all decked out in Harry Potter gear. So I got on stage, I introduced the dancers, I go, please welcome the beautiful ladies of the Boubatons Academy of Magic.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, I see. What character are you supposed to be that was.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm the host.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'm the host, buddy. An elf or something?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

No, no, I'm dressed up as a Hogwarts student.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

It's kind of hard to explain if you've never been there, but essentially it's a stunt and dance show and I'm just the MC who goes out and introduces the different.

[Adam Carolla]

We call them gags, but go ahead.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yeah, so anyway, I switch from the British accent when I go backstage and not knowing that my microphone is still on, and I make a joke that was based on an interview that Norm once had with Barbara Walters on the View. And I said, I looked at my stage manager not knowing my microphone was on. And I said, hey, hey, Kyle, you know this Harry Potter guy? Now, he murdered a guy in cold blood back in 88 in a Texas bar fight. And then at that moment, you know, it only been like 10 seconds, but that's a long 10 seconds if it's

[Norm MacDonald]

going out to an amusement park, they let you go.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Well, here's the deal. Because it technically wasn't my fault. It was the sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, shut your mic.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

What they did was I was magically moved from number one on the roster of seven people who hosted the show to number seven the very next day. And I haven't worked since.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, you haven't worked since.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I haven't worked since.

[Norm MacDonald]

No. I would feel bad except you did that impression that you said you weren't gonna do.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

No, I said I was gonna do the annoying one.

[Norm MacDonald]

That was the to found one.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I thought it was pretty toned down, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, let's hear that. Let's hear the. Let's hear the one that would be insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I'm from Canada. I don't really.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I don't really understand flossing. You know, all it does is give your. Make your teeth a big mountain of blood.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

That is more annoying. Bryce, with your kind of range.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know what? People say that. And then the other guy goes, you sound exactly like him. And I'm like, what the.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

We never sound the way that we think we sound. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing's.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing can hold you down with that kind of range.

[Norm MacDonald]

You think he's going to get work again?

[Adam Carolla]

You can do everything from Norm to super extremely annoying Norm. So there's no way you're not going to land on your feet in this town.

[Norm MacDonald]

I should say. I never did a joke about. Yeah, I know. A joke you're referring to.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Norm, I joked about.

[Norm MacDonald]

Just to explain what he was talking about. I went on the View and I said the President was a murderer. And just to annoy Barbara Walters, because I really dislike Barbara Walters.

[Adam Carolla]

The President?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes. I said, the President's a murderer. And she's like, you better watch yourself. You know, like, I'm in Russia or something. So I'm like, what, he killed. You don't know that? Like. So I act like an idiot that didn't know that. Everybody didn't know that. But I really dislike Barbara Walters, because Barbara Walters, they're like, she's the biggest, you know, the start of woman and all this. But she's the one that started this whole goddamn shit with the Kardashians. And you know what I mean about fame being currency. She's the one.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like her for other reasons, which is. And I can say this about many of the ladies who've graced the Views stage. They don't have any discernible talent. Like, people look at her and go, she's a pioneer. She carried the torch for those who came. And it's like, I've never fucking seen her say anything or do anything other than that. She's a great pioneer. Like, she sits there, occasionally cracks herself up at her own super weak and lame Joke, but mostly looks concerned and then asks overly obvious questions to whoever she's sitting in front of. Yes, she has tits and a labia, but other than that, I don't see her as possessing any particular talent. And as a matter of fact, if she was a dude, she'd never work a fucking day. I mean, she might be writing copy or something, but being completely dry. Say that on your show, she's not funny at all. She's not even interesting.

[Norm MacDonald]

You'd be thrown off anything if you ever said that outside this show.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know everyone on the View has been praying for her to leave ever since day one.

[Norm MacDonald]

What about that Sherri Shepherd? How could you say I didn't know? I thought dinosaurs lived at the same time as people. And then you go, why shouldn't they just fire her?

[Adam Carolla]

Find Gary. Find my book. In 50 years, we all be chicks. There's a little. I wrote a little something about the ladies from the View that Gary will look up. Yes, I did the View myself.

[Norm MacDonald]

I always thought you thought they were a hoot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I bet your mom loves the View.

[Norm MacDonald]

Joy Behar always reminded me of, like. Of my aunt or something.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like the one who thought she was funny. Yeah, right. So the. So you, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

But she. When I did Saturday Night Live, she was in New York City, and she would come into the club. She was before the View. For some reason, she was some celebrity that could get a spot and bump people. I don't know what she did. She might have done radio or I don't know what she did.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, as a guy. As a guy like yourself. And I talk about this all the time. Like, I go, who has made the most with the least? And then who's made the least with the most?

[Norm MacDonald]

Ah, that's interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I got like, Drew Carey on my earners list of a guy who never said anything funny that I'm aware of and has made kajillions of dollars. And people can go, oh, why you hating on him? And I'm like, well, wait a minute. Every once in a while, they come. Every year, they come up with a list of celebrities who come get paid the most. Movie stars who don't earn. And then they go, Julia Roberts commands 27 million a picture, yet her films fail at the box office. And everyone's like, why are they hating on Julia? And it's like, wait a minute. She's the smartest one in the group, right? What you don't want to be is the one. The one who gets 80 bucks and the movie makes 200 million bucks. You want to be the one who makes 27 million bucks and the movie makes 11 million? Complimenting Drew Carey is what I'm. Is what I'm saying. He's able to make hundreds of millions of dollars.

[Norm MacDonald]

A TV show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wouldn't you put Jim Belushi in that category? Just an enormous amount of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And money and TV shows.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. He did a couple of movies a year and none of them succeeded.

[Adam Carolla]

And he kept getting movies, TV shows, and everything else. So in terms of. And I think you agree with me. And again, it's not really a put down. It's more like you've made the most. And I've never. I don't even know if Drew Carey's not funny. I've just never heard him say anything that was funny while I was around.

[Norm MacDonald]

I remember first seeing Drew Carey in the improv and there was another guy named Brian Haley who also dressed. He was a marine, and he also dressed in a gray suit. But, you know, Drew had these big glasses on. And I was like, what is that kind of costume act is this. And then when he went on stage, I go, this guy from the 50s, what is his act? I didn't understand. And then all of a sudden, boom, Bang. Right. Carson likes anointing him.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you laugh?

[Norm MacDonald]

No, but I like Drew as a person. Gary, this is what Drew does. Have you met Drew?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

He gets really close.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I've met him.

[Norm MacDonald]

He gets very close to your face and he tells you jokes, like old jokes and laughs at them.

[Adam Carolla]

I would assume he's a nice guy. He's very nice.

[Norm MacDonald]

Except you go to his house and there's sex dolls that he is fucked, like, sitting on chairs. And you're like, good Lord. And, you know, he invites you. You're like, no, I don't want to fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I saw David Spade talking one up the other day. So this one's only 12 months old. Gary. I say hand the phone or hand the book to Dawson, and Dawson will read it so you don't power through it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Did you read your own audiobook?

[Adam Carolla]

I had to, yes.

[Norm MacDonald]

Hard, huh? I didn't know how to do it. Like, I was like, am I supposed to be an actor? Like, if a girl comes up, am I supposed to do a girl's voice?

[Adam Carolla]

You should have got that kid who got shit canned from Universal Studios to do your. No one would know the difference.

[Norm MacDonald]

That would have been funny.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me tell you first about Simply Safe. Simply Safe. Oh, you ever have that nagging feeling.

[Norm MacDonald]

Why don't they do that impression of you? If you and me are so similar?

[Adam Carolla]

When people do me, they start with a little Norm MacDonald, but then they go into the. See, here's my thing. I have technical expertise in woodworking, but the people who do the impersonation of me don't have technical expertise. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

And they don't study it to figure out what it is.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So what they do is they go plywood, but they never can finish it off because they don't have the actual expertise in that.

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't know if you've ever heard my take on you. And you probably take this as an insult. I don't mean it as an insult that I. I loved Andy Rooney.

[Adam Carolla]

Andy Rooney.

[Norm MacDonald]

And people would put him down. But then they did a show called 60 Minutes 2, and they tried to get hip guys. So they get Charles Groan and pj.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Norm MacDonald]

And they couldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

These guys couldn't do what Andy Rooney did.

[Norm MacDonald]

Do what Andy Rooney did. And so then I thought, well, Adam could do it, like, two minutes. You know, you have an opinion on every subject. If a subject came up and you. I mean, you're gonna sound. It's gonna sound insulting, but your voice is almost like Andy Rudy.

[Adam Carolla]

I've heard that. And he was. God bless him. He was a woodworker as well.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, was he?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

But he can talk in two minutes. That's really hard to do. And you just have to have one strong opinion, and you could do that and that. Pay a fortune.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Here's where the problem would be, Norm. We'd be in, like. I'd be going into my seventh one, and I'd go into the producer's office, and I'd throw down my manuscript that I wrote, my page and a half, and the guy would look up and he'd go, you can't do the blacks again. You did the last six on black people. You can't do seven. Adam, we're gonna start to get.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, you save that for here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Save it. You save it for here. No, I always. Here's my lot in life. I always thought to myself, because you

[Norm MacDonald]

want to make the most.

[Adam Carolla]

And I do all the time. I look at Andy Rooney, and I'd always go, oh, shit, I could do that. But then I also pause and go, no one would ever ask me to do that in 200,000 years.

[Norm MacDonald]

You gotta bust open the door, buddy. Don't fucking stay at home like a goddamn recluse get to Don Hewitt's office.

[Adam Carolla]

This is coming from the guy who doesn't own a learner's permit.

[Norm MacDonald]

I own a learner's permit. But it fucking ran out, Norm. 365 days.

[Adam Carolla]

The show that everyone wants to see is Adam teaches Norm how to drive.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh yes. Remember that show?

[Adam Carolla]

We would crash the Internet with that show. Now I'll do it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Last year I wouldn't have done it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm up for it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Last year I wouldn't have done it.

[Adam Carolla]

But why not last year?

[Norm MacDonald]

But not. Not no fucking car where you press the. And it shoots up fast. Other than that shit, I was in a fucking car. A Tesla. Right. When my friend wanted to buy a

[Adam Carolla]

Tesla, you do a Burt Reynolds in person.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Dare you?

[Norm MacDonald]

I know you're in a Tesla.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, but listen, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

And the guy that drives the Tesla is an expert driver. So he's shooting through the streets full speed.

[Adam Carolla]

Not me. No.

[Norm MacDonald]

Do you do that in real life though?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

You do that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I.

[Norm MacDonald]

You race cars.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. And so I get it out of my.

[Norm MacDonald]

But it does make you sick with fear, like when you. Do, you know what I mean? That movement. Just the speed. No, it doesn't. Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in the race car you get belted in with a six way harness, so you feel like you're strapped in like an astronaut. So you can't go anywhere. It's a weird feeling of security.

[Norm MacDonald]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

You're in a cage.

[Norm MacDonald]

Security.

[Adam Carolla]

You're in a cage and you're strapped in six ways.

[Norm MacDonald]

How often do you go? Do you go a lot to the.

[Adam Carolla]

I do about five events a year.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, events. But you don't go by yourself just to practice?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just go race. Do the vintage race. But the.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, vintage race. Wow, that sounds cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It is cool. But here's what I'm saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

So they give you the car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I own the car.

[Norm MacDonald]

Okay, I gotcha. And now what if you wrecked the car?

[Adam Carolla]

The cars can be insured on the way to the track and on the way home from the track. And when it's parked in your garage. But not on the track. Not on the track?

[Norm MacDonald]

No, not on the track.

[Adam Carolla]

Not on the track. So whatever you destroy, he would not be happy. And so if you crash Paul Newman's four and a half million dollar car on the track, then you got to fix it. That's what I'm saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

This car belonged to Paul Newman. The four and a half million dollar car.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he raced it and won it. Le Mans.

[Norm MacDonald]

And you Own it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not yet. I got to pay for it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Holy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a long story. I'll tell you what, hold that, doc.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's got magic in it. Because Paul Newman.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm, I got a bunch of cars I can show you with Paul Newman's DNA in it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but look, Norm, people say all the time, you and Norm, you and Norm, you and Norm. And I go, yeah, I do that. And I go, I do the show where I teach Norm how to drive. I put a couple of gopros in a car. I take it easy.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I think I said last time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you said yes, but in

[Norm MacDonald]

a very like, you know, non unbelievable way.

[Adam Carolla]

But this year you're saying yes.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I'm saying yes in a more.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Why,

[Norm MacDonald]

why have I come around?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why a year ago

[Norm MacDonald]

would have been now Paul Newman. Maybe it. Was there a discussion with Paul Newman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I race his cars and how

[Norm MacDonald]

he, you know, he became a four

[Adam Carolla]

time national champion at age 47.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what? I'll show you the documentary. Then you'll be.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'm damn near 47.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if you just went back six years, you'd be 47. All right, I'll tell you what. Stifle yourself for one second and then we'll get into this stuff. Simplisafe. Ah. Ever have that nagging feeling when you leave the house? Did I leave something open? What's going on? Well, now you don't have to worry. You got Simplisafe. I have Simplisafe. Dawson has Simplisafe. Mike August says, simplisafe peel and stick. No drilling, no pulling wires, no long term lock in contracts, no big fat commitments. Just $14.99 a month. Three times less than other companies. Protect your home. Do it the smart way. Use Simplisafe. You can visit them online. Two I's in there. S, I, M, P, L, I safe. Adam, go to simplisafeadam.com right now. Get free shipping and on your order you get a free keychain remote so you can heat the thing up. Arm and disarm. Yeah, sorry, you can arm and disarm and just do it from your keychain just like your car. Easy 25 bucks worth of keychain remote. Free. But let's jump on this simplisafeadam.com. that's simplisafeadam.com. all right, so Norm MacDonald, the book based on a true story, a memoir. Very good. I read it last night. Becomes surreal at Times, but very good. And available now on Amazon. You know what to do. Click through our site and bookmark us. So no storm.

[Norm MacDonald]

What would you think of this? You were, I'm going to do a Netflix special.

[Adam Carolla]

You are?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. I don't like doing specials, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, I didn't. The one thought I just wanted to finish is where I had Drew Carey at the top with the most earning. Well, we got a friend named Josh Gardner who's maybe a little below you.

[Norm MacDonald]

He'd be way. Come on. Way below me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he would.

[Norm MacDonald]

He might be more talented than me. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But I have. But everyone does that thing where everyone agrees Norm is a genius and a comedic genius. And so the question is, can we get you out? Can we get you behind the.

[Norm MacDonald]

I've tried these things. You know, I'm not a great collaborator. But I'll tell you this. What would you do in this situation? Because I think it would be much different than what I did. Your agent says, by the way, we did the Netflix special. We got the deal. It's in Boston at the Wilbur Theater.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna be at the Wilbur Theater coming up on October 8th.

[Norm MacDonald]

October 8th. At the Wilbur Theater. Don't miss Adam. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Does that sound good?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

So I'm doing it at the Wilbur Theater. My Netflix special. So my manager told me the other day, he's like, you know, we got the deal, but you gotta pay for your own hotel room. So I'm like, that's kind of odd. You know, I gotta pay for my own hotel room. And then he said, I gotta tell you, though, me and a couple guys are going from when we got our own deal. We got the hotel room paid for.

[Adam Carolla]

Your manager told you this? Yeah, I remember.

[Norm MacDonald]

So what would you do if your manager told you such a thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can tell you this. Me and Jimmy had a manager.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. Oh, that was Baby Doll.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, we still have Baby Doll. This is Howard from your native land of Canada.

[Norm MacDonald]

Of course, Howard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I remember once. And Gary. Oh, yeah. Let's not forget Dawson and Joy Behar. But I remember once, Vegas has the whatever hotel with the Four Seasons above it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

With the four floors above it are the Four Seasons. And then down below is the. The Ricketts Hotel, or whatever it is.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, that's the best hotel in Vegas.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Mandalay bay.

[Adam Carolla]

Mandalay Bay, 22 floors and then the top. And we were standing in the lobby, and they invited Jimmy and I out to Vegas to host or present at some sort of Sports award show or something in 2000 or something. And we're all in the lobby, like, getting onto the elevator, and he said. He said. We were like, what floor are you on? I'm on 11. Jimmy's on nine. He's like, I'm on 27. And we said what? He went, I got myself booked into the Four Seasons. And he started laughing, and he pushed a button. And I just thought, I don't know. This feels like a tactical error to me because he's not even supposed to be here. But he'd managed, and he's laughing.

[Norm MacDonald]

But did he manage. He didn't pay for it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he managed to work it out with the producers of the show that he stayed in the Four Seasons, but that the talent who he represented, who theoretically supposed to be looking out for, was gonna state the.

[Norm MacDonald]

Ricky laughed. He laughed in your face. Well, he didn't know what he was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a little more of that crowd. That kind of thing where you got the. You got the large fries when you only ordered the regular and your buddy got no fries.

[Norm MacDonald]

Was that the kind of thing that you and Jimmy were just in shock and didn't react to?

[Adam Carolla]

I remember just thinking, why did he tell us that so proudly? Why did he boast about that a manager would go, I got you guys into the Four Season. Listen. And I'm.

[Norm MacDonald]

So. You didn't get angry or anything, Adam,

[Adam Carolla]

you just said, no, you know what I.

[Norm MacDonald]

You just said, when I get to Jimmy's room, we'll laugh about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I did what I do with everything, Norm. I thought to myself, noted.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just go ahead and put that in the hopper and we'll see if we revisit it again at some other point.

[Norm MacDonald]

Very complicated relationship with Howard Lapidus.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll bet.

[Norm MacDonald]

It's so strange. But anyways, I don't know if I want. I'll say it. This is what. All right, I had to fire him at one point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Everybody does.

[Norm MacDonald]

He went crazy when I fired him. And he was, like, pacing around the room going, I knew it. I knew it. Like, paranoid and stuff. Like, it was unnerving for me because it took me so long to gather it, muster up the courage to even fire him.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Anyways, I meet him years later, and he's talking to me in. And this other person, he goes, you know, I've been fired by a lot of people, but Norm's the only guy that I fired. I shouldn't be telling this, but I said. So I go, yeah, like Because I don't know. That's why not. If you want to remember it that way, that's better for me. I don't have to feel guilty, right? But now I just told it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, it's all right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, I think he did. Maybe he did fire me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm still friends with him.

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't care. But I fired him too. He fired me. He fired me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Do you have my. My section on the view from 50 years will all Be Chicks. My book. Not Pulitzer Prize nominated, by the way.

[Gary]

I know I'm a guy, so I'm supposed to hate the View, but I don't hate the View because I have a dick. I hate the View because I have a brain. The View is going on what feels like its 35th season. It has numerous Emmy nominations and even an Emmy win. And it's a disjointed, scattered piece of shit that's hosted by some of the least compelling, most untalented people that have graced a television series. If this show consisted of five guys sitting around talking over each other with the occasional hackneyed joke awkwardly shoehorned into the meaningless conversation, it would have been yanked off the air years ago. You see, at 10 in the morning, all the smart people are at work. That leaves the Views audience. Barbara Walters is about as interesting and funny as the one old teacher you had in junior high. I know everyone treats her like some kind of national treasure, but she's clearly past her prime, and no one at that show would dare utter a word. It's about the same relationship Saddam Hussein shares with his co workers. When she finally decides to hang up her dentures and call it a career, there will be a silent celebration akin to what the guards did after the wicked witch got the bucket of water tossed on her on her last show. The lavalier mics will be recording a lot of we'll miss you. We'll stay in touch. We don't know how we'll carry on without you.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Gary]

But the internal monologues will skew a little more toward have fun on the Greyhound bus to hell, bitch. Sherry shepherd is dumb. She's read one book and it's the Bible. She's not haha funny. She's more we need a fat chick who's not funny funny. Elizabeth Hesselbeck gets a pass. She's already being punished on a daily basis. Could you imagine if your lot in life was to be wedged between Bar Barbara Walters and Sherry Shepherd? She's the lunch meat between a stale piece of sourdough and the dumbest slab of pumpernickel to ever hit the day old bin at the bakery. Whoopi Goldberg. What happened to the unstoppable force of comedy that had us doubled over with spun gold such as Burglar, Jumping Jack Flash and Eddie? An Emmy for the View and an Oscar for Ghost. She deserves those as much as Elvis deserved his black belt in taekwondo.

[Adam Carolla]

Joy Behar.

[Gary]

She's the funny one. That's like saying Marwan Al Sheikhi was the funniest of the 911 hijackers.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I made my opinion.

[Norm MacDonald]

Holy Lord. I think I made a takedown pretty

[Adam Carolla]

clear on my feelings of the gals from the View.

[Norm MacDonald]

I wonder if they know of that. Or anyone from the.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I always assume now, because I have some. They're thick.

[Norm MacDonald]

But, you know, usually people, like, they Google themselves and all that, or somebody tells them or. Good Lord. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Was any of that inaccurate?

[Norm MacDonald]

No, no, it was awesome. And it's gotten even worse since because they have that strange girl from the Cosby Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe you should read my book, Raven Seymour. I love that. The time to read yours.

[Norm MacDonald]

God damn, that was great.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll get you a copy before you head out.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wait, you've written two books, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I've written four books.

[Norm MacDonald]

Four books, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

God, I shit them out quick. So what is your schedule? You can speak.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, give me your schedule, because a book should be as if it was spoken.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Norm MacDonald]

So that was, like, perfect. My schedule. Oh, yes. My daily schedule.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Norm MacDonald]

So I wake up around what time? You know, 10 or 11.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know, something like that. And, you know, I have to eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. What do you have?

[Norm MacDonald]

Count Chocula. Is that funny? It's just cereal. It's one of the most famous cereals in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. For people under seven.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wait, what?

[Adam Carolla]

What do you eat?

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, you eat, like granola.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you eat? Really? Count Chocula. Yeah. Okay. Count Chocula. Keep going.

[Norm MacDonald]

I hate Frankenberry. It was one of the most disappointing.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, it's huge.

[Norm MacDonald]

And booberries. I'm like, jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Worse than New Coke.

[Norm MacDonald]

Is this the. It's like New Coke.

[Gary]

Coke.

[Norm MacDonald]

So do you know the conspiracy theory about New Coke?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

It's fascinating. Okay, I'll do it very quickly. So this is the theory that I believe happened. And I don't believe in conspiracy theories, but I believe in this one. So. Because I loved Coke. So Coke vanishes. They change it to New Coke, and it tastes horrible. You know, go. What the fuck is this? It doesn't taste anything like Coke. It Tastes like Pepsi, right? So. And people that love Coke hate Pepsi. So you drink that. So that lasted six months, maybe longer. And then they brought back Coke Classic, right? So now they have Coke Classic and New Coke and you drink the Coke Classic. It tastes so much better than the new Coke that you don't remember what the old Coke tasted like because it took six months. And what do you think they did in that six months? They replaced cane sugar with corn syrup. Ah, brilliant. It was brilliant. And then only when I tasted Interesting. It's only my theory.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's a pretty good one.

[Norm MacDonald]

When I tasted the new, the, the Mexican Coke, that's when I grew up with the theory. I go, wait, that's the drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you can tell the difference.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, that's the drink I drank as a kid. As soon as I drank that Mexican Coke, I was like, those motherfuckers.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's a very interesting theory. I'm down with it. You like that one?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone says you can go to Mexico and get the cane sugar run. So. All right.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know, speaking of conspiracy theory, I saw the Real Time with Bill Maher. Funny, you never been invited on that show.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done it once.

[Norm MacDonald]

I think, yes, it must be fun. I've never done it, but when you have to sit there while he does New Rules, he does a bunch of string of jokes, right.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to laugh.

[Norm MacDonald]

But anyways, I saw in there, you know, they'll put. So if I'm on the show, maybe they put Normandy comedian or normally Donald Snl. You can choose what you want the kind of chiron to say. So Richard Belzer was. I was like, Richard Belzer, conspiracy theorist. So I'm like, what every do you believe in? You don't believe in anything. You think everything's a theory. And so he just wrote a book about. As if anybody wants to read about Kennedy anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I think him and Ed Asner and other guys like that. It should just read instead of like activists or conspiracy theorists should just go hates the United States. Because that brings it into focus a little more to me. Cuz it's not the conspiracy part. It's that they just fucking hate the United States.

[Norm MacDonald]

Right? Well, if you believe 911 is an inside job.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And they're Eisner does.

[Norm MacDonald]

What the fuck are you still doing in the United States? I would agree with you. You're in the worst fucking place ever.

[Adam Carolla]

All the conspiracy, the conspiracy theories are never flattering to the United States.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's true. Yeah, you're right. Ever. It's not like you didn't land on the moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. The conspiracy theory is never like, oh, the. My Lay massacre never happened. It's not that. Oh, no. They say 138 villagers. There are at least a thousand. Like, that's the. There's never a flattering. There's no conspiracy theory of any country, but especially the United States, that ends up being anything close to flattering to the government or the United States.

[Norm MacDonald]

I never thought of that. And also when you say that, I don't know if. If it exists in other countries.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree. Like in Thailand, who stole that bamboo? No, I don't know. I don't think they do in, like, Thailand. But when you start really breaking down the Belzers and the Asners, you just sort of realize the theme is we hate the United States. Not that all this stuff happened and we're being naive.

[Norm MacDonald]

Right. But then they always say the United States was so good to them.

[Adam Carolla]

In your chart, you know, super rich with marginal talent. Yeah, I'd say.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say doing pretty good.

[Norm MacDonald]

I mean, Dennis, I was hoping. Oh, man, he was the best, you know, Richard Belzer. But, you know, there's videotape I can see from back then, you know, timing thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree. So who. So then now we're eating Count Chocula.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, yeah. So I eat some Count Chocula, which. I don't know why that's so ridiculous. And then I, you know, I watched the.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can I say this about Count Chocula or any cereals of that ilk. I feel like there's a window. The window is age 4 to age 11.

[Norm MacDonald]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. And then it opens up again at 81. You see what I'm saying? But the problem is you're kind of in between right now because you see an old guy eating Froot Loops or Count Chocula. It's kind of cute, you know what I'm saying? And a young kid. It's excusable.

[Norm MacDonald]

What do you think most people eat for breakfast?

[Adam Carolla]

Adults?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. What do you think they eat?

[Adam Carolla]

Eggs.

[Norm MacDonald]

Other forms of eggs. Eggs. Is that what you eat when you're a child? You eat eggs when you're a child?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But I mean, I think some people might have, like, a protein shake or smoothie or something. I'm talking about adults.

[Norm MacDonald]

They changed it from eggs.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I'm with eggs. I didn't mean to pivot off the egg thing. So the. All right.

[Norm MacDonald]

So whatever I eat, it doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Count Chocula now. It's noon.

[Norm MacDonald]

It's something in my belly. Yeah. And then I. It's noon. I rounded out five minutes to eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Norm MacDonald]

I eat at. I just eat, like, standing up, and then I watch tv.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you watch?

[Norm MacDonald]

Whatever's on view. You know, you were talking about who's at home, you know, during these shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

I have noticed that more and more, the judges on the judge shows are all black. Interesting. The game show hosts are black during the day. Like who Wants to Be a Millionaire? It's hosted by a black guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

The judge is Steve Harvey.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of black judges.

[Norm MacDonald]

A lot of black judges. And it didn't used to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's interesting. Yeah. So if you think there's a high unemployment rate amongst a certain group, that would be a good group to be represented on tv.

[Norm MacDonald]

And it's nobody's fault.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you can't judge.

[Norm MacDonald]

You can't blame anyone for being unemployed.

[Adam Carolla]

But it is interesting.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. So I watch some of that stuff, and then I. Oh, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on one second. Mike's from New Orleans.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, Mike, Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. He's from New Orleans. New Orleans. And he's unemployed. So maybe we found the black guys watching the judge show. Mike.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Mike, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you black?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

No, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing unemployed? Norm wants to know. No, no, I got you.

[Norm MacDonald]

I never said that.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard what you said.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I used to work in the oil field. That's why.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, okay. Yeah. So you got a question?

[Norm MacDonald]

So you work in the oil fields, you make a whole bunch of money, and then you're off for a while, right?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yeah. Traveling, you know, but it's time to go back to work. And so my question is, something that I would want to do is what I have an interest in is writing.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

But I don't live in LA or New York or anything. Living in South Louisiana. So if I don't, you know, teach Jimmy Kimmel boxing or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's how I got my.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Don't have.

[Adam Carolla]

In a show business Business. Yeah. What do you want to know? Do you have some jokes, Mike?

[Norm MacDonald]

Are they jokes like. Like monologue jokes?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

No, I'm talking about. Right. For a show or a comic or something like that.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, but write a spec script. What's your favorite sitcom?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Oh, I see. That's good.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, don't write a spectrum. You don't know any situation Cops. But do you. Do you think you write monologue jokes for Jimmy Kimmel? Well, or any.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yes. And maybe movies, too.

[Norm MacDonald]

Movies.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll throw out a current.

[Norm MacDonald]

But I will say, when I was at Saturday Night Live, they. I don't know how it works nowadays, but they. Any jokes I would get sent, I would always read all of them. And sometimes it was a good joke. And you don't get much. You don't get. You get like 50 bucks a joke. But if, you know, if you get a few on the air, all of a sudden, you'll get hired. I don't know how it works now. That's all I know.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yeah, that's kind of what my question is. How does it work now with social media? Or. I mean, someone like Adam might be inundated with that kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I don't get a lot of jokes. I wish. I wish I did.

[Norm MacDonald]

But there are people that from social media have been hired from your tweets and stuff.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I know that.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Mike, do that, because I'm trying to get to what Norm eats for brunch.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Okay.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sugar Smacks, I think. Yes.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Your fan club on Facebook says hi, and they want to know, where's my Ace Award for last year?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got it. You got. Are you talking to Norm?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I'm talking to you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Why would I have an ACE Award?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Hey.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, an ACE Award.

[Adam Carolla]

I think my award. Sorry. Because didn't they used Cable Ace? There used to be the Cable Ace Award. I know.

[Norm MacDonald]

When he said it, I was like, of course the question's to you. Then when you said, are you talking to Norm? I said, maybe it's the Cable Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Norm MacDonald]

So now that's why you call it the ACE Award.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm, I want to make a. Not a Call me Ace, but I

[Norm MacDonald]

know what I call the Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me. Let me make you this pick.

[Norm MacDonald]

Double meaning to it.

[Adam Carolla]

I always feel this.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like learning to drive would be not only freedom for you, but a metaphor for your life, a transition. Do you know what I'm saying? No, I feel like.

[Norm MacDonald]

I mean, you gotta say what the metaphor is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. And it's symbolically important to say, I, Norm MacDonald, own a California driver's license. I'm taking the wheel of my life. I'm taking control of my life.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Norm MacDonald]

And I'm enlarging my world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I think that's a show. It would get 2 million views on YouTube if you and I just put

[Norm MacDonald]

GoPros in a car. What if I learned to drive? Struck a pedestrian, killed him. Well, then what?

[Adam Carolla]

It's even higher ratings.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, my God. I don't mean during the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see.

[Norm MacDonald]

Later on, you read that in the paper.

[Adam Carolla]

How would I feel personally? Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

You wouldn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd have to check the nationality of the pedestrian, obviously. And the sex, naturally. But after that, I'd probably feel some remorse, depending on what I found.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, my God. It's lawless in this room.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. All right, so now it's about noon.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then you gotta be careful about what you say. Cause you can say anything. I don't think I can.

[Adam Carolla]

You can say anything.

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't think I'm protected like you.

[Adam Carolla]

You're stand up. You can do what you want. So what, now you have yourself some Count Chocula?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. Then I was going to say I do my exercise for the day.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is what?

[Norm MacDonald]

Putting. I have a putting green in your house? No, no, no, no. I have a mansion. No, outside.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, outside.

[Norm MacDonald]

It's like a community.

[Adam Carolla]

Community putting green.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then I get very mad because.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you go to the market to buy count chocolate?

[Norm MacDonald]

I get it ordered. You know, I really should go because it's so close to me, but I get it ordered in. And the only problem with getting it ordered in is the tomatoes my mother makes me tomato on. Now you're gonna say my mother, but my mother makes me tomato on rye.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a sandwich.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, it's so good. It's not a sandwich because there's only one piece of toast. Open face. You take toast, then you put two pieces of tomato on, and then you put salt and then you put pepper. Oh, my God. It's almost like a pizza. Yeah, but better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they have things called pizzas they'll actually bring to your home for a nominal fee. You should look in there.

[Norm MacDonald]

Listen, man, I like a pizza.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay?

[Norm MacDonald]

So then I putt. Okay, you putt.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your exercise.

[Norm MacDonald]

And now we're around noon. And then I go back to my house and then I watch more tv.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you watch now?

[Norm MacDonald]

I just watch random stuff. Now, I'm not being honest. What I do is I watch youtubes. I'm addicted to youtubes as I think a lot of people are a problem because you know how you watch a YouTube and then there's a string of things on the side that look interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

So you hit that one, then you hit another one, and then it's midnight all of a sudden. So I think that's a problem in America.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, the problem with the YouTube thing, it'll be like. Like the titles say, like, desecration of Synagogues Worldwide. But it'll be a chick with a D cup bursting out of her blouse. And there'll be part of me that goes, I'd like to know more about her, but I'm not sure if I want to see the desecration of a synagogue. So I'm kind of torn.

[Norm MacDonald]

I also, I worry about, you know, because they say the nsa and people look at you. My computer. Because I don't look at porn or anything, but I YouTube a lot of Hitler, you know, and then there's one. There's some Hitler stuff where you have to hit another button.

[Adam Carolla]

An extra Hitler button?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, like, it's so horrific, you know, like the Holocaust or something. It's like you have to hit another one. Say, I'm 18. I can see this horror. But you don't look at.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't look at porn.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, I watched it for a while, and you know what happened? I got desensitized, as they say. Did you ever get desensitized?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm careful to not desensitize myself to things that would be called vices.

[Norm MacDonald]

So you watch them in moderation?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sort of. I have a relationship with booze, with cigarettes.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, really? With porn Cigarettes.

[Adam Carolla]

You can control two at night, but in the middle of the night. No, not during the day.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, because I enjoy it.

[Norm MacDonald]

There's a few people who could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know no doctor ever believes me, but my thing is, I enjoy it. And I realize if I wake up in the morning and light a cigarette, I have to quit.

[Norm MacDonald]

Because you'll smoke all day.

[Adam Carolla]

Just because it'll now be a problem and you'll need to quit smoking. But if you go home, you work all day.

[Norm MacDonald]

I see, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You go home, you have a nice hot bowl of Count Chocula, and play ball with the kids and everything and help them do their homework. And then at a certain point at the end of the night when the kids go to bed and it's time to pour yourself a scotch, then you go out in the patio and enjoy a cigarette. You don't have to quit.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, well, wouldn't you go in your den? Oh, you don't want the smoke to be around your kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I was talking about beating off, but, yeah, beat off on the patio is what I'm saying.

[Norm MacDonald]

It was a. So that's very good that you've moderation. And then you never got desensitized, which is excellent because I got insanely Desensitized. And then I couldn't. I can't watch it anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

With the porn.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. And also, it's so misogynistic. You know the titles. Like you were saying about desecration? The titles are always like, dirty fucking whore likes to be fucked in a dirty ass. And you're like, whoa, that's not the film I just watched. Like, it didn't seem to be her idea at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I also find.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then there's a. Just a futon and a bright light, and you're like, how did they get her in here?

[Adam Carolla]

A little too much spit going on for my. For my. My taste.

[Norm MacDonald]

Why is. Yeah, I don't know why. And, you know, this new generation is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting sad.

[Norm MacDonald]

They're, like, choking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're choking. Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Now, I thought this was supposed to be a feminist, like, time. Like, why would they want to be humiliated like that by men?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, whenever things go too far one way, they swing back hard the other way. You know what I mean? So now we have safe spaces and ca fighting going on simultaneously.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my theory about. It's grunge. It's all the stupid hair bands with all the mascara and the aqua net sprayed on their head. Gave birth to Kurt Cobain in a tattered flannel shirt. Because we swung too far this way, we needed to go back the other way. That's how we are as human beings.

[Norm MacDonald]

Sure, sure. So what's gonna follow? For instance, the feminism of. Com.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, tell me about that.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, I mean, every. I think women have pretty well taken over comedy, haven't they?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we enjoy celebrating women comedians probably more than we enjoy celebrating male comedians, because it feels like progress.

[Norm MacDonald]

Right, right. Like, Tina Fey is too big to fail.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, although she. I think of her as legitimately funny. Yeah, she's funny, but I also feel like.

[Norm MacDonald]

But she brought in. She ushered in a generation of not as funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I've gotten in trouble in the past for talking about this.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because I was given a choice.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, you were?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's funnier, men or women? So I just said men, because I don't like when people do the. I really couldn't say, because I know a lot of funny guys, but then

[Norm MacDonald]

they didn't put the question not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not really that way. It was more like Adam said women weren't funny. Now, I went on to say that Kathy Griffin. And I remember Silverman, and I know plenty of. I. I said you know, Kathy Griffin and Sarah Silverman would have been funnier than any guy in my high school.

[Norm MacDonald]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But they kind of left that part off. So that's the way.

[Norm MacDonald]

But even Hitchens said it, right. He's supposed to be super smart.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a. There is a kind of biological mandate, which is if David Spade's trying to get his dick wet, it's not incumbent on the 22 year old blonde to make him laugh. We're going full circle here, Norm. But if he wants to bang the 22 year old, he's got to make somebody laugh.

[Norm MacDonald]

So just biologically, you're saying it helps.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little bit of a mandate.

[Norm MacDonald]

So why would the women have to such a mandate?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Unless it's just a professional, pardon the pun. I'm going to become a comedian. I really think that's a new thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to become a comedian.

[Norm MacDonald]

Even that's a new thing. I think, right, that in the old days, just people go, what? You want to do what you know, they thought you were.

[Adam Carolla]

But also kind of in the old days we would decide if you became a comedian by whether we laughed or not. You didn't get to just decide. True, Carrie,

[Norm MacDonald]

but it is force of will, you know what I mean? But that's what accounts for your list, I think, is ambition.

[Adam Carolla]

And my ranking of you, not.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wouldn't it be work ethic.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's work ethic, yeah, there's work ethic, certainly.

[Norm MacDonald]

And that wouldn't that propel the mediocre to. Yeah, if you're not mediocre, but middling. I learned what mediocre meant.

[Adam Carolla]

But what I'm saying is you who have a love of chocolate flavored cereal and pudding, probably not the hamster wheel of show business. Well, I'm saying is you probably could have made a little more money in your career.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd played by the rules and had a little more of a motor or even a driver's license to operate a motor vehicle.

[Norm MacDonald]

When I've had a project, I've worked very hard, but boy, I'm a bad collaborator, I'll tell you that. And when I look back, you are a bad collaborator. I should have just done that. You know, I should have just said,

[Adam Carolla]

why are you a bad collaborator?

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't. Because the way the industry works in, let's say, a sitcom, and I never dreamed of being in a sitcom anyways. But you know, like the director will tell you to do it one way and they go, right. I don't want to do it. Seems pretty hacky that way. This is what I had a director tell me once. He goes, trust me, do it my way. I've seen it work a thousand times, right? I'm like, that's the problem. And so I just pretend not to understand and just do it my way every time. And the guy goes, no, no, I thought you were going to do it the different way. I go, I. He goes, no, no, do it my way. I go, okay, I'll do it this time. And finally, he would get exhausted.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't you feel like you and I could collaborate on something?

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, I was just thinking of that, actually, because I was looking at you and I was like, well, if everybody thinks we're similar or whatever, we could play brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Norm MacDonald]

Because even though people think, but we're actually very different, even though we're the same. So that would be like brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

But maybe we could collaborate on. Adam teaches Norm to drive.

[Norm MacDonald]

It's just a start.

[Adam Carolla]

Just to start?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. So people could see the chemistry.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a good teacher, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, I trust you. And I think, okay, when do you want to do it?

[Adam Carolla]

We could start. We could get on the calendar for later this year, come by your place. What would it take you? You finish off your Fruity Pebbles,

[Norm MacDonald]

you

[Adam Carolla]

come down to the car, the car's loaded up, GoPros, and we just go around the block a few times.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, now, wait a second. Wouldn't the. Are the GoPros going to obstruct my view of. No, my blind spot. I would handle that shit. First off, you know about the blind spot?

[Adam Carolla]

You have a blind spot?

[Norm MacDonald]

Everybody does. You have to fucking look behind you. I don't even know why they have mirrors.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Listen, I do these race cars. You get strapped in like an astronaut. You use all mirrors. You don't. You can't even turn your head.

[Norm MacDonald]

Really? Oh, yeah. And why? I saw a cannonball run.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

And Burt Reynolds is so cool, right? He's like, I don't care what's behind me. Breaks off the mirror.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Rear view mirror.

[Adam Carolla]

That wasn't Burt Reynolds.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know. Who was it? How do you remember?

[Adam Carolla]

I was the Italian guy driving the Ferrari Daytona.

[Norm MacDonald]

God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

He could pull that shit away with some of the gals Spade As. But it's not going to work on me.

[Norm MacDonald]

You're absolutely right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's driving a Daytona Spider and he says, in Italy, what is behind us does not matter. He breaks the mirror off and throws it behind him.

[Norm MacDonald]

Can't believe you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus, Norv, who are you hanging around with?

[Norm MacDonald]

All right, I'm a fraud.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold your. Yeah, you can figure it out, Gary. It's probably about two thirds of the way into Cannonball Run. It's the guy driving the Ferrari daytona. Probably a 71 Daytona. And it's a spider convertible. And he's explaining that in Italy. What's behind him.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, he's the only guy that's not a star in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you wouldn't know his name. Wouldn't know his name. I know, but you would know.

[Norm MacDonald]

I knew it wasn't Burt Reynolds. I didn't think you would know.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a valiant try. And it would have worked with almost anyone else on the planet. Possibly even Burt Reynolds. But not this hombre I know.

[Norm MacDonald]

That was.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you answer your phone.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wait, What? Is that not my phone? Oh, it is. It's in my pocket. Sorry, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you guys about DraftKings. DraftKings. You can step out. No, just step out. But one. One minute. 80 seconds. 80 seconds. DraftKings. Where was I? DraftKings.com Ah. You don't need to come in first place to get the cash.

[Norm MacDonald]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a player finished 800th in week one's biggest fantasy football contest and took home 100 bucks. Gary, how we hang it?

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Doing pretty well. I beat up a little bit on Brian this week, which I was gratified about.

[Norm MacDonald]

About.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

And Kalyn was doing surprisingly well for someone who doesn't really play sports that much. But Brian's back in it next week. We got a whole new draft coming up. That's the beauty of DraftKings.

[Adam Carolla]

It can happen. This week, DraftKings is hosting another huge fantasy contest with over $1 million in total prizes up for grabs. DraftKings, the destination for one week fantasy football. No season long commitments. Play whenever you want. Play with the players you want. Want. It's DraftKings, man. It's a great experience. It's DraftKings. Dawson.

[Gary]

Don't wait. Get to DraftKings.com now and choose your players for this weekend's contest. Enter promo Code Adam and play for free with your first deposit. That's Promo Code Adam. Play for free for your share of over $1,000,000 in total prizes this weekend only at DraftKings.com DraftKings.com eligibility restrictions may apply. Suit website for details.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, do you have that scene from Cannonball Run?

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

We think we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Is he driving a Daytona?

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's take a look. And now, my friend, the first rule of Italian driving. Convertible Daytona. What's behind me is not important. That's it.

[Norm MacDonald]

He's somebody. Wait, that was at the Gumball rally. Oh, no, that was the next show,

[Adam Carolla]

I think that was. That's a Kiss of the Spider Woman guy.

[Norm MacDonald]

And who was with him?

[Adam Carolla]

Who died way before his time?

[Norm MacDonald]

This guy. You're talking about the guy. Guy with the rearview mirror.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Kiss of the Spider Woman. Yes. He became famous after this.

[Adam Carolla]

All we know right now is that it's definitely not. That's all we know.

[Norm MacDonald]

But I think you're right. He's, like, doing a cheap, like, Italian accent. And later he became, like, a great actor. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Norm MacDonald]

And who was with him Was that later?

[Adam Carolla]

He died way too soon. We had his name written down here. Gary.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

A second ago, I was guessing, Joe Pentoliano went on.

[Adam Carolla]

But I. No, this guy became a hardcore famous actor who starred in Kiss of Spider Woman. I think that'll help. Raul Julia.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, that was Raul Julia.

[Adam Carolla]

Raul Julia.

[Norm MacDonald]

That was him.

[Adam Carolla]

He must have died at, like, 53 or something. Like, he died a while ago, but it was early. It was young, and sort of suddenly. We'll figure out his thing.

[Norm MacDonald]

Roseanne had a talk show once. Once. And Joe Panaleone was the guest. And so she's introducing him. She goes, you know this. I don't know. He has a whole bunch of credits, but she goes, you know this. Our next guest, a great actor. You know him from this and this and this. Please welcome Joe Panaleone. Joe Pantaleone comes out. Roseanne goes, I know him. She knew the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Raul Julia died in 94. But I don't know how old he was.

[Norm MacDonald]

That was a terrible hacky performance. Right. And then he became a fantastic famous actor.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he. Then he unexpectedly died. Oh, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

Before. If I hadn't said Raul, Julie, rather than Burt Reynolds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We wouldn't have gone down then.

[Norm MacDonald]

You wouldn't have. You would have gone.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So you just watch YouTube.

[Norm MacDonald]

I like YouTube a lot. And, you know, I watch. I end up watching the same thing that I've already seen on YouTube because.

[Adam Carolla]

And you tweet a lot.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, sometimes I get obsessed a little bit with tweeting. This is what happened. One time I called a game, you know, and then.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of game?

[Norm MacDonald]

Like a football game or something sports related. Because I would make predictions, you know, and then I'd call a game from the viewpoint of me and my point spread and so forth. So then the next time there was a Game or something. I would look on my notifications and people would go, hey, I met my mother in law's like eating a tomato sandwich, you know, whatever. And I can't see the game, you know, I'd love to see the game, you know, so this poor goddamn cuckold, you know, he couldn't watch the game, right? So I say, well, I'll be a man for you, you son of a bitch, you henpecked bastard.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Norm MacDonald]

And I'll tell you what happened. You just to sneak a peek over there if your wife doesn't hit you with a cane or some sort of a SAP bag handbag like Ruth Buzzy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Used to be a lot of purse related assaults, Norm. I wouldn't be doing my job as a journalist.

[Norm MacDonald]

Well, I will do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not lying in a podcarder. If somebody tweeted me a few months ago and said that Norm fired his agent because he was gonna go play the Kennedy center and open up for Adam Cole or some version of that,

[Norm MacDonald]

that was not true.

[Adam Carolla]

People were tweeting me that and they thought. And they kept saying, are you angry? And I'd always go, no. Cause I like Norm and I have no idea what he's talking about.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's not true at all. This is what happened. And first of all, I didn't fire my agent for that reason. But the journalist was there when I was talking to my agent. And what they did was my agent phoned me and made it seem like because it wasn't very much money. And my agent said, but it's the Kennedy center, you know, like it's a huge prestigious event, right? So I was like, okay, I took it, you know, ah, people will see me. And then I looked it up on the computer and there was a whole bunch of comedians, you know, like a whole week of comedians. And I wasn't opening for you. I was going on one show and then you were going on the next show. So I said, well, this is a comedy festival or something and I'm not making any money. I don't want to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I get it.

[Norm MacDonald]

So it wasn't. I wasn't never opening for. You didn't have an opening act.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. No. The same thing happens. I go, you're playing the prestigious Kennedy center and you're picturing up in the crowd. You're picturing like Hillary Clinton and Maya Angelou toasting you from up on set.

[Norm MacDonald]

So you'll be able to tell me what actually was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I didn't make the gig? I didn't do the gig. You didn't do the gig either?

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

But then what they tell you later

[Norm MacDonald]

is they go, why didn't you do the gig? Why didn't you do it?

[Adam Carolla]

I got a race to do.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, so you blew off the gig too?

[Adam Carolla]

I found out if Norm's not doing it, fuck that.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then I look like I'm, you know, insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I don't listen to anybody. But the point is, is I literally. Yes. You find out it's a comedy bonanza

[Norm MacDonald]

and probably, like, a tertiary room in the Kennedy center, you know, I'm sure it's not the.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have played one of those.

[Norm MacDonald]

Mark Twain Award.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

Tina Fey.

[Adam Carolla]

No. It'd be like, Harry Belafonte is up there with a ribbon around his neck. No. It'd be like, I'm playing the pavilion behind the place next to the valet, outdoors. That's what I was assuming. Yeah. How many does it hold?

[Norm MacDonald]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

How many folding chairs do we have? That would be the answer to the capacitive. The fire marshal wouldn't care because there was no walls.

[Norm MacDonald]

Isn't that funny? You didn't even do the show.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Norm MacDonald]

And then, you know. And then I look like I'm slandering you. I felt so bad about it when I read it, I'm like, oh, well, I didn't. It looks like I'm quitting because, you know, the idea of opening for. First of all, I would open for you. I would open for me, too, if it paid enough.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you. I know what people.

[Norm MacDonald]

Listen. I used to go in the south, and I would do. The guy in front of me would go. He'd be a big fat guy. He'd destroy. I'd go on. They would yell at me and hate me. So the second night, every time, the owner would go, how about you and the fat guy? Switch. I go, same money. He'd go, yeah, fine, switch. It makes a perfect sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I don't think what people.

[Norm MacDonald]

I love opening.

[Adam Carolla]

People don't really realize, and I think I speak for Norm here, whether it's the. If the Kennedy Center's paying 10 grand and, you know, Chief Wampum's knuckleball is in Northern California, is paying 15 grand. We'll just go there.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And get the paycheck.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes. And at our age, are we really suddenly gonna. Prestige is gonna be poured on us? No, we'll always be bums.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We're the bums of comedy.

[Norm MacDonald]

That would Be a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

When we unite the bums of comedy together in the form of comedy. Why don't we do the bums of comedy? I'll do it.

[Norm MacDonald]

Who else could we get?

[Adam Carolla]

Artie Lang. All right, you open for me and Artie.

[Norm MacDonald]

Sure, I'd open, absolutely. I mean, I talked to Dennis Miller. I said, because Dennis, you know, there's a guy with a bulletproof act, and he says. He does his old act, you know, which was just a killer joke. Killer joke. Killer joke. And he opens for O'Reilly. So I'm like, how on earth does O'Reilly follow you? And he says, o'reilly just goes out and wanders around the stage, talk everybody loves. And then if you get, like, the premium thing, you get to meet them,

[Adam Carolla]

you get a lot, you pay extra, you get a lot more. Like a book sign.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. So it's 50 bucks, but that is 200 if you want to meet them. It's a huge difference. But then a guy was telling me, because, you know, I've done things. I'm sure you've done things where you just have to stand there and a whole bunch of people come and you take a picture and then they leave. That's what they do. I thought they'd be, you know, have a half hour to talk to them and stuff. No, no, just picture. Get out. Next.

[Gary]

Hurry up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it's like.

[Norm MacDonald]

So I do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I did a show with Dennis, and it was kind of the same thing. I said, all open for you. I'll do a half hour, you do a half hour, and then we'll both come out together and do, like, a Q and A. And she said, you do 28 minutes, and I'll do 28 minutes. And I was like, all right. I didn't know the difference between a half hour and 28 minutes was. But I said.

[Norm MacDonald]

He said 28 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

He literally got it that tight. Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if he was just rubbing a little stink on me or he was really keeping it to 28, but either way, I said, screw it.

[Norm MacDonald]

We'll do it now. How was your. You kind of did a. Like, I guess you got the idea from O'Reilly and Miller. But you did the Dennis Prager thing, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did.

[Norm MacDonald]

How did that work out?

[Adam Carolla]

Dennis Prager. Dennis Prager and I just kind of go out together and do sort of an evening with.

[Norm MacDonald]

And I do at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, and I do the comedy part. Me and Drew used to do.

[Norm MacDonald]

It sounds like Dr. Drew and you

[Adam Carolla]

all over the country, all the time.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, you did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you did.

[Norm MacDonald]

Live performances, you and Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

All. Every college campus that you've ever even heard of.

[Norm MacDonald]

I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when we were on mtv, so you would take questions every time, and we just go out there and do it every time.

[Norm MacDonald]

So instead of sexual questions, it would be political questions.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Norm MacDonald]

With Dennis Prager. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Real smart Jew.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, yeah. So he would answer and you would just sit there and boom, you'd throw in the jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I can get a little philosophy in every once in a while. Yeah, sure.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, you're smarter than everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Not everyone, nothing. You, Norm.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, believe me, I just pretend.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you are smarter. I live smarter, but you're smarter.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know that. Got somewhere. I listened to you, okay? I tell people, I go, this guy has an opinion on everything. When I did stand up, I said, that's. That was my goal, to have an opinion on every single or comedic take, I should say on every single thing. Then I would go out in the audience, I always thought, and I would just talk to the audience and everything they said I would have something to say about it.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know what I mean? So I have quite a bit. I haven't done like 10 million specials, so I have many, many hours of material. So I have a lot, but I don't think I have as much as you. Like, when I heard you were doing Stand Up, I saw you at Largo a long time ago. I think you were just starting, but you were kind of trying to act like a comedian, you know what I mean? And I'm sure now you're way better. But I always thought, why doesn't he just talk to the audience? Audience and anybody that brings up anything, Adam would be able to riff on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to think what I did at Largo. I did.

[Norm MacDonald]

Doug, I know you were just starting

[Adam Carolla]

because you told me I did Doug Benson's show.

[Norm MacDonald]

What, the smoking weed?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was something else. Pretty soon, Doug's next show is going to be you come over and wash Doug's car. That's going to be the funny thing

[Norm MacDonald]

about that Doug Benson show, I didn't realize, I think, is what he had the show. He had the movie Super High Me, right? So I. And he had the television show where he. I mean, the computer show where he smokes weed with the people. So I assumed that he would be very good at holding his weed. Then I see the show, he's like, glassy eyed and like the worst advertisement for weed ever. I thought, this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Norm MacDonald]

You know, and they're like just ha, ha, ha and saying unfunny things and it just, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you should.

[Norm MacDonald]

He's kind of got a lazy eye too, which doesn't help.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You think?

[Norm MacDonald]

Great guy, keeps good people. Nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got the guy. He's got the 50 year old who eats Count Chocula.

[Norm MacDonald]

Robert Smigel told me, passing judgment at Regis. Philip. And he came up with him or Dana, one of the two came up with the Regis impression. And they said the key to the Regis impression was Regis would be playing to a morning show audience much old, late. So his shtick would be getting angry. But then he would have to tell the audience that he wasn't really angry because he was afraid they'd take him seriously. So you go like, anyways, Bernadette Peters is in the back room and I have my donut with sprinkles. I always eat my donut with sprinkles. And I come in and it's gone. And they said, bernadette Peters ate your donut with sprinkles. Anyway, she's a wonderful lady and she's on Broadway and we.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of wonderful and shows, Doug Benson and me are actually going to be. He's going to come out to a live podcast.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, he's a great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That will be a really nice guy. Theater. That's a live podcast. October 8, October 7, Foxwoods Casino with the DFG, the deaf frat guy.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

He'll come out and say at Foxwoods. At Foxwoods.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, he lives. He can get there, I guess Anaheim

[Adam Carolla]

and live shows everywhere.

[Norm MacDonald]

He lives in a place that's Sleep Celebrities Live.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. I thought he lived just in, you know, May. I don't. I think he's rich.

[Adam Carolla]

I think maybe it's his father.

[Norm MacDonald]

Doesn't he dress like a. Like a guy that had money? You know what I mean? If you grew up with money, you dress.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's an old. That's an old thing. Now. Mark Cuban wears flip flops. And poor guys.

[Norm MacDonald]

No, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Have fake jewelry. All right. And Norm's got a book.

[Norm MacDonald]

Who do you think won that debate?

[Adam Carolla]

But I think Hillary won out of. She was.

[Norm MacDonald]

She looked a little warm.

[Adam Carolla]

Trump was sort of all over the road. I think Trump probably scored in the okay, I guess he's not an insane person department. But Hillary seemed to be on point. It really.

[Norm MacDonald]

I loved at the end. He's almost like a child because he said, like, that's not nice. Like, nice is so weird a word, because that's not nice. And I have something to say, Norman. And then you could tell he was thinking he might say it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he might. Well, you and I, you know what I found felt like. And hold on with this show ending for a second, but just one second. You and I, I think both have been guilty of this, and it's happened

[Norm MacDonald]

before, by the way. This is gonna sound retarded, but I don't even know if Donald Trump would be a bad president.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't either. But I do know this. We don't like to rehearse that much, and we feel like we can go out there and get it done without out the repetition.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And we all know there's nothing worse than the mock trial or the mock debate or the. You put mock in front of it or the repetition or the rehearsal. It always sucks. So you and I feel like we got enough in the tank that we can go out there, take the microphone, and keep things going for 90 minutes.

[Norm MacDonald]

Trump would think that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what Trump thinks. Right? Right. Now, the problem is, is Trump is not Norm MacDonald Trump. And the reality is Norm MacDonald pulls it off eight out of 10 times. But there's probably those two times where you wish. Where the fat guy went on after you or before you, where you kind of wish maybe you had worked it out a little bit better. You know what I'm saying? I've had that experience myself. I feel like Trump now. Hillary feels like the Wes Welker of politicians. Like, I am slow, I am short. I have no verb. And what I need to do is run these routes over and over and over again and become the best possession receiver. So she's probably spent the last month doing mock debates, going over every scenario, having an answer ready for every possible question and scenario, whereas Trump went, yeah, I'm me. I'll get up on my feet, it'll start flowing.

[Norm MacDonald]

If I rehearse too much, it'll look

[Adam Carolla]

gross, and I don't feel like rehearsing. So I'll just go over there. I'll eat some Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I'll just go up there and I'll wing it. And during the debate, they'll wing it. It kind of. With the chicken reference, it kind of did feel like, all right, Trump. Nobody wants teleprompter and stilted and everything, but a couple of dry runs probably would have helped the cause.

[Norm MacDonald]

Did you notice that it's a debate with two people on the same stage, and the Whole thing is split screen. Why would you think that is?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's weird. They didn't. They didn't pull it back.

[Norm MacDonald]

I figured it out because of the

[Adam Carolla]

whole corn syrup cane sugar thing.

[Norm MacDonald]

Height.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Norm MacDonald]

They made her the same height as interesting. So that's unfair.

[Adam Carolla]

Not another conspiracy. Not even a conspiracy theory.

[Norm MacDonald]

I mean, they have two people on the same stage, and it's an odd split screen. And the audience certainly seemed partisan. I never hear Hillary Clinton getting laughs and Donald Trump getting none.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he got a couple. He got a little roused at the beginning, but other than that. And it was weird because he was. At the end of the thing, he was gonna yell, your husband's a rapist. Yes. He stifled himself.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, man. He was like, I guess I'll wait for the second one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll wait for the second one.

[Norm MacDonald]

Because if his numbers drop, watch out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's coming. Based on a True story memoir. Pulitzer Prize nominated. I don't even know how that works. Cobbs Comedy club in San Francisco, coming up October 7th through the 9th. And then apologize for us.

[Norm MacDonald]

I know this is on television, so

[Adam Carolla]

I apologize in Las Vegas as well. Me. Live shows everywhere, and we got a cruise coming up, and it's all the good stuff. Just go to AdamCarolla.com and you can find out everything.

[Norm MacDonald]

Until next time, the bums of comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

The bums of comedy. Adam teaches Norm how to drive. It's all good. Until next time, it's Adam kroll for Norm MacDonald saying mahala.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that was adam cruel show 1913 with normative. Coming up next, we have adam Krilla Show 1935 featuring Adam Ray, Gina Grad, and Brian bishop, also from 2016.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina Grad.

[H]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Handball. Brian, come on.

[Norm MacDonald]

Bald.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Adam Ray coming in. We love Adam Ray. God, I feel like I raised him from a little comedian pup, and now I see him taking over the universe. So always a good guy, always funny, always brings it. And we'll look forward to that. We'll do a little jiu jitsu. That's the one where your parents or whomever really can be whoever takes your personal momentum and uses it against you.

[Brian Bishop]

We'll give some examples.

[Adam Carolla]

The story for me that I remember is jiu jitsu, because is it offensive

[Brian Bishop]

to call it jiu jitsu?

[H]

It's accurate, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

The art.

[Brian Bishop]

I have to ask the question everyone's asking.

[Adam Carolla]

There's sports, like kickboxing and stuff, but that's not using the other. Your foe's momentum. Jiu Jitsu is using that person's aggression, it's actual forward momentum to fell them. Right. My family, as I say all the time, to be fair to them, which I rarely am, nobody ever said I was gonna be a failure. That would be a calorie burner. You know what I mean? Nobody stood up sofa to make the proclamation, you're a loser.

[Brian Bishop]

They weren't defying you.

[Adam Carolla]

It was more just like, I'm gonna go out and do this. Yeah, okay. Why are you telling us? Like, it was a lot of that, but. So there wasn't a lot of Jiu Jitsu with my family because my family didn't really. My grandmother, you know, she was. She may have converted when she married my Jewish grandfather, but she had a little energy. But the rest of them didn't talk, you know, so they weren't gonna be able to use the jiu J. But my grandfather, he got a couple

[H]

of good jabs in.

[Adam Carolla]

He would. Yeah, and he had the one silent ninja jiu jitsu he used on me once. Is all that guy did was watch Hollywood Squares. He loved Hollywood Squares. And he would always talk about how clever Paul Lynn was and everyone else was. He didn't know that the questions were provided in advance and written by other people and stuff. He just loved it, you know, just face value. Big Paul in then and more. More of a fan of the man's lifestyle, I think. But his words were humorous as well. So what we found. So at some point I did the Hollywood Squares, like the modern day version of Hollywood Squares, at some point, like

[H]

Bruce Valanch instead of Paul Lynde.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Like Whoopi was the center square or something. And I did. Did it. And I remember thinking, well, this is one I can lay on the old man, because Loveline, MTV man, show, whatever. Saw a lot of what, Comedy Central. That doesn't sound like a network to me. But this was a network and this was a perennial. It was a show he knew. So many people are so dismissive. I think people are more open to things now because everyone invented something. All somebody says to you is this guy. Well, who's this guy? Never heard of this guy. You don't know this guy. He invented Dick Book and he sold it to Nabisco and he made $27 billion before his 14th birthday.

[H]

Unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude.

[Brian Bishop]

I totally had the idea for Dick before that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're thinking about it, your thing about. Your thing about. It's like you go, oh, okay. Wow. Wow. That's incredible. That's incredible. But you don't go. I never heard of that. Get it out of here. But that's what people used to do. That's what my family did with cable tv. But I did go in and tell my grandfather once, like, hey, you know what? I just did a week on Hollywood Squares. And he was like, okay, you weren't the center square. You didn't maybe didn't hear me. I heard you. And I thought, wow, it's gonna be tough to move this needle. Cause you only imagine that's a show we both sat together watching when I was 12, and now I was on the revamped version of it. But yeah, so he's the guy who told me, when I told him at some point that I was making a lot of money in Hollywood back in the later 90s. And at the time I made about 550 grand, I think, for the year. And then he said. I said, I'm making good money. And he didn't know anything. He didn't know what the hell I. I mean, my family has such weird low self esteem that they probably thought I was paying KROQ to do a nightly show or something. They have no idea about anything. So I had to say I was making a lot of money. And he just paused and he just said, are you making a million dollars a year? And I said, no, not. He said, oh, okay, end a discussion. But then the next year, I made over a million bucks. Bucks. And when I told him about it a year later, a year later, I said, remember last year? Yeah. When we want to know about a million bucks? Yeah. Well, this year, over a million bucks. And he just, just paused and went, money doesn't buy happiness.

[H]

Oh, my God,

[Brian Bishop]

the jiu jitsu.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with my family? All right. But anyway, I like those kinds of stories. And it is jujitsu because I don't think there's a little bit of an Asian version and there's not a Hispanic version of this. I do not believe there's a black version of this. Mostly. Cause there's not a male in the house, but there's not a black ver. I don't think the black version of this is jumping up and down and celebrating and chilling some champagne. I just feel like you go to a black family and you tell them I'm wrong rich, and there's some. There's something going down.

[Brian Bishop]

The exceptions are pretty rare. I know you've seen the movie Trophy Kids about the, you know, the overbearing parents, you know, all that stuff. The one, the black dad who wanted his kid to be a football player, and nothing was ever good enough. And he was like, you're not. You know, if. A little bit of jujitsu there, but not. Not to the level you're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's like abuse, but that's also an outlier situation. Every single guy in the NFL is. He grew up, his mom worked three jobs, his auntie raised him, and when they got the keys, they found out he bought her a new house and a Cadillac.

[Brian Bishop]

And then cut over the section in the stands where they're all sitting, and it's extended family. All wearing the jersey. All wearing the jersey. Some personalized.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. My family would be the same thing. It'd just be the other team's jersey. Hey, man, we're with Kaepernick. All right? So the jiu jitsu again has to just split. Be taking the personal momentum and then going ahead and throwing you on your back, having you tap out. All right, Adam Ray's Jew, so maybe we'll get something out of him. You guys tell me now. I frightened somebody on the freeway today,

[Brian Bishop]

but was someone in your car?

[Norm MacDonald]

You

[Brian Bishop]

sonnier.

[Adam Carolla]

I do miss that. I used to shuttle my dad around a lot, and I do miss him using the car on the passenger side as a brake. Pantomiming, braking, trying to brake as I apex the corner. Yes, I missed that. The one part about the old guy, I miss carting him around. I miss him using his foot. He never would say anything. I could just see his. I see his foot pushing against the imaginary brake that doesn't exist in my car. At least on that side. Ooh, Speaking of cars, Castrol, baby. Castrol Edge today. Smaller engines under a lot of pressure. Mm. Got a thin layer of oil. It's the only thing between metal on metal contact. Castrol Edge made with liquid titanium technology. 3 times stronger. 3 times. 3 times fool. 3 times fool against viscosity breakdown than the leading full synthetic Castrol Edge titanium. Strong for maximum engine performance. So make your next oil change Castrol Change. And if you're going to be down at SEMA and you're down there on Wednesday, November 2nd, come say hi. We're doing a live car cast there. 10:00am Our racing buddy, Tanner Foust, is going to be with us, and we'll have fun and it'll be good. You come up, you introduce yourself, you tell me what a big fan you are, we take a picture, and then I dispatch you to get me a beer. It's an awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a symbiotic relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Symbiotic. That's right. What an honor. You get to mule back a beer for your hero. So it's 10am That's November 2nd. Sema Flor will be at the Castrol booth. And then as I said, I'm gonna be in the Castrol dunk tank. I'm gonna get in my underpants.

[H]

You have to guess the viscosity when you're dunked.

[Adam Carolla]

Once I get off, once I get out of the tank, once I get dunked. We're gonna tuck a hundred dollar bill into my shorts and I'm gonna run along the floor of Sema and the first guy catch me and can get that hundred bucks out of my shorts, it's gonna be $100.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam pops his head about a thing, spits a little stream of 10W40.

[Norm MacDonald]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, so you can tell me if I'm a bad person or not. I was. I don't like. I think in life as it pertains to the government or the city or the nation. I really don't mind the, the parts that just sort of come with the territory. They're going to be skirmishes throughout the world. We're going to need to get involved. Every once in a while some Hitler type guy's going to pop up. We're going to have to lose a few of our bravest on a Higgins craft storming a beach. And then there's the stuff where hey, the terrorists hit the tower and now we got to rebuild and our tornado blows through Texas and we got to rebuild. I obsess over the stupidity and the weapons, the acts of God, stuff like, hey, there's a tsunami or level whatever storm blew in and totaled New Orleans or something like, okay, now we see how prepared we are and we come in and we fix and we get the Army Corps of engineers and whatever it is, it's the super simple stupid stuff. I was driving in here today and there was the freeway just backed up, just come to a stop and eventually I found out in my lane, lane, which was I think one over from the far right lane of the big five lane highway was the. I swear to you, as I passed the full size Mercedes SUV and a Prius, I could not detect damage done to the front of the Mercedes or the rear of the Prius. Woman in The Mercedes, like 30 year old, blonde, door open, standing in the, standing out in the middle of the freeway. And I looked up at the freeway sign which just sort of coincidentally was the next one about 100ft behind her. And it was just blank. And I just thought, when can we get this message? And I do what I always do, and I hope you guys all do, was I leaned on the horn as I pass it because it's like, hey, ass wipes, get the fuck out of the highway. There's nothing going on here. You felt they bump.

[Brian Bishop]

Do yourselves a favor.

[Adam Carolla]

There's cars driving by you, you're driving a Mercedes, ladies trank, you're driving a tank that's made in Germany. It's a fucking Panzer division. Just pull off, please. You're going to get. You're white, you're blonde, you're rich, you're driving a Mercedes. You're 32 years old. This is how you're gonna die, by the way. I have mixed feelings about that at this point, but get the fuck off the side of the freeway and or cops show up. I swear to God. On the way home yesterday, yesterday I passed a chicken shit chippy. That's right, you fucking pussies. Guy was hiding. It's one thing when they kind of sit like on the overpass or where they just sit next to the freeway on ramp. This motherfucker had taken his cruiser and backed it in between the two freeway barriers. We put the cinder block up there. Out here in California, it goes up about 12, 14ft and there are these little breaks sometimes times. And those breaks are only like 10, 12ft wide. He stopped on the shoulder and then backed it up. Super safe, by the way. Super safe. Because that's what you want. When people are coming your direction at 67, you want to be going the opposite direction, just inches away. Hey, and fuck you, by the way. What if somebody did hit you and lost their life in the name of you handing out another chicken shit fucking ticket, you pussies. Yes, people are driving. I don't know. What if my wife was driving, driving, and Natalia started throwing up in the backseat and she momentarily turned her head and then clipped your pussy ass because you were tucking your fucking self in between these two things? Or what if when you were tucked in between it, an 18 wheeler blew out and rolled into it, knocked the whole wall over on you. But tucked in, nobody's speeding Anyway. It was 4 in the afternoon. Everyone's going average 39 miles an hour. But just tucked in, just hiding, laying in wait. Just laying in wait. And Gary, you can go to my favorite tweets, but somebody tweeted me that says with all this chicken shit stuff out there, people are. Drivers are staring at the speedo too much. I stare at the speedo and I stare in my rear view constantly. I constantly stare in my rear view mirror. It's just what you want out of your motorist. Constantly staring in the rear view looking for you chicken shit pussies out out there who by the way, are dispatched in the name of safety. Blow me, you fucking pussies.

[Brian Bishop]

And not to mention people who are looking at ways to look where cops have been reported like that. Because you know they can report cops on your route.

[Adam Carolla]

I have two things.

[Brian Bishop]

How many people are distracted by that?

[Adam Carolla]

I either have my radar detector going off in front of me or I'm staring into my fucking rear view mirror looking for these pussies. But what does this. Read this article.

[H]

Strict speed enforcement could have a detrimental impact on road safety because drivers are dedicating more attention to monitoring lowering their speed than detecting hazards. That's what a study found.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I'm just saying, it's Los Angeles. We get raped in taxes. It's traffic everywhere, all the time. Could we just fucking dial down the insane enforcement of speed on the off chance that we do get up to speed, which is. And then secondly, fucking Garcetti, could you fucking wake up and tell these people to put something on a freeway sign that made a difference other than clicking her tickets? You have people standing in the middle of fucking freeway. They're standing there because you're too fucking stupid and too arrogant and too. I don't give a shit about this to ever do anything about it. Put it on the sign, say there's a $300 fine and it will be enforced.

[Brian Bishop]

Such an easy fix.

[Adam Carolla]

Such an easy fix. You do it with everything. It's like anyone caught in the Diamond Lane, that's $540. I mean, it's always die here. You get caught doing this, you get caught. How about you get caught standing in the middle of the fucking freeway?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And it's indicative of what they really. They being, you know, the city, what they really want done. Because when they wanted us to water less, they got the word out. There were mailers, there were public, they got. Everyone knew about the watering issue. Like don't water your lawns as much select certain days. But whatever it was, if they really wanted to solve this problem, this could be solved in, I would say, less than a month.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, everyone would be, by the way. Safety, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety. Is it all about safety? Because what the fuck does the diamond lane have to do with safety? What the fuck does the kingpin Taxpayer platinum club ace man making up a little time driving out to God knows where to do catch a contractor and spilling into the diamond lane and driving its feet. What's that got to do with safety? So if I got my son in the car with me, it's safe, but if I'm alone, it's unsafe. And you want 540 bucks? No, that's a cash grab. This what we're speaking about actually does have something to do with safety.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we please do it?

[Brian Bishop]

Lives can be lost quite easily.

[Adam Carolla]

God, could you fucking dicks wake up for the love of fucking Christ and look. Fuck you. If it's game on, it's game on. I drive through reds, I drive through arrows, I drive around. Just do it. Just fuck it. They made it. It's Armageddon. Go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

They drew fish blood.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That is right. From Portland, ironically.

[Brian Bishop]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where Rambo was walking through. Yeah, go ahead, Doug. 47. Sorry. Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Adam, thanks for taking my call. I just wanted to let you know that I got a ticket for turning left on a red arrow. I've been following your advice for 10 years, been blowing through them. I finally got a ticket, showed up in the mail about 10 days after I did it.

[Adam Carolla]

In the mail? Yeah. I was going to say, you'll never get pulled over. You'll never. You'll never get pulled over because you look in your rear view and if you don't see a cop, then you turn left. That's the only angle they can ever get you from. But the camera. Cameras, they will get you with. Another tweet somebody sent me was, oh, over here in Baton Rouge, we do a whole thing where the arrow turns to yellow and it just blinks there. And it's like, of course you do. Of course. Why wouldn't we think of this? We don't care.

[Gary]

We've.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. All right, so here's how stupid we are. Here's how dumb we are. Hold on a second, Doug. So this guy tweeted me this thing, and he said, over here in Nebraska, somewhere better. Somewhere better. All the arrows, the left turn arrows, when they're done being green, they just flicker yellow. And that just means turn when you want to turn, turn when it's safe to turn like you do at every intersection. I started thinking, oh, that's great. And then I thought, we need that here. And then I think, oh, wait a minute. We would have to retrofit every single arrow we've put up.

[Brian Bishop]

Think about that.

[Adam Carolla]

We're such Pomp. Our. The governing body of California, especially Los Angeles, has such fucking vitriol for its taxpayers that no one ever floated this idea. No one ever thought of this. We would have to retrofit, and I'm sure some astronomical cost price every single red arrow that has popped up in the last decade. And we've gone up 10,000 fold in the last decade, so. So we're talking thousands of arrows at a cost of thousands per intersection would have to be retrofitted. No. Because who the fuck could see this coming? I would drive through culver City at 12:30 at night, leaving Loveline, and be right in the middle of Culver. Was it Culver?

[Brian Bishop]

Culver, Washington. It was really intersected.

[Adam Carolla]

Culver's the straightest, longest boulevard. Or Washington. No.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I'm gonna say yes. And this was in. Culver was a ghost town. This was before there was anything going on. People outside of the area. That's like a cool area now. Y complete ghost town.

[Adam Carolla]

It was literally dangerous to sit there on a Wednesday night or Sunday night at 12:30 at night, sitting there, and you could look, and you'd see the fucking earth's curvature. And it was like, nobody's coming in. It was red, and that was 1999. And I remember thinking, well, this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. We shouldn't put any more of these in. Well, we put in 55,000 more of these. And now at some point, if Garcetti gets his fucking thumb out of his ass, he could think to retrofit these things. Remember traffic number one big issue. The whole freeway locked down because some cunt got out of her fucking SUV and was standing around looking at zero damage. But do we blame her? I do. But do we really blame her? No, because the work. You know why? Because people think it's illegal to drive away. Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

The hit and run issue, which is another. Another huge issue. You know, a branch off that tree, right?

[Adam Carolla]

We think if you get. Make contact with another car, you stop right there, you photograph, you exchange fluids, you do a chalk outline. You do everything. It's quite. Yes, it's quite. Well, transmission, differential, coolants. I don't know where your head's at, people. What I'm saying is this. We actually think it's the opposite. It's not even a coin toss. It's. I don't want to pull away. We had. We made contact. We must stay here until CHP maybe get the puss that's hiding behind the cinder block wall to come out of his cubbyhole. May get officer Pussy over there. Officer Pussy lips can come out of his fucking cubbyhole and come take a little look. See, because we got a real problem now. But you should show up and you should issue those guys a citation. It's dangerous. You should get the word out and fucking move the cars. Put it up on the sign. Jesus goddamn Christ, Gary. I've tried to talk to this city's transportation czar. Whatever, whatever. Every year for 13 years. And they don't want to talk. And they don't want to talk like a coach doesn't want to do an interview after being demolished in the Super Bowl 50 years in a row.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's go to the losers locker room.

[Adam Carolla]

50 years in a row. Yes. They just hang their head. Yeah, them and the ad council. Those are the two pussies that never want to talk to me because all they can do is fucking hang their head in shame while I tear them 10 new assholes.

[Brian Bishop]

This might be worth googling, Gary. It's an election year divinity idea. If anyone's running for like transportation commissioner or something that we could like get them on the phone and maybe boost their chances, you know, hey, if you're on. If you're on board with our.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a beanbag chair and a stump. It's just a stump and a beanbag chair. So you're gonna have to vote for one.

[H]

Beanbag chair's more mobile.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, this two party system's killing us.

[H]

Yeah, Dawson likes to stump.

[Gary]

I like the stump.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna. I was gonna ride in napping hunting dog. But you guys go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Vote your conscience.

[Adam Carolla]

Vote your conscience on this one.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Not this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Not this year. Hey, Doug, who is the person who's. Who. Give me the name of the. Of the retarded Hitler war scientist who's currently in charge of Los Angeles and the traffic. And let me fucking shout out that retards name from the fucking mountaintop. Fucking idiot. All right, Doug. Sorry.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not pay that ticket.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Well, I'm gonna go to court and try to explain that most of the stoplights in the area blink yellow. This one just happened to be red. And it photo, you know, took my picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. By the way, in terms of precedent, you know, I've sat next to Gargas long enough. There is a kind of muscle memory thing where if you're, you know, the intersection before it and the intersection before that all had the blinker and you were used to using that. You can make the. Some sort of argument that normally you use that One. Then it's the city's inconsistency. Yes.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yes, sir. I explained that to a former police officer and her response was, look, it's a red arrow. You can't go through it. End of story. You're gonna lose.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, go fight it. Fight it. And fuck them anyway, because sometimes the cop doesn't show up.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

I don't know if there's gonna be a cop. That was a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, you gotta maybe show

[Brian Bishop]

up, maybe a camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up. John Fasan, chair of LA Metro, also city council member from Duarte. John, could you please get off your fucking. What I'm assuming is a huge ass and do something about this? Please get the message out. You know how, John, you know. You pretend you're into safety. Good. Get off your fucking fat ass and do something with these signals and get the fucking message out on top of the goddamn freeways, could you? John Fasana. Fucking lazy sack of shit. Jesus Christ. Do your fucking job, you fucking slug. Really, is this one that hard? The fucking freeway signs and everyone's standing in the middle of the freeway and all you got, John, is clicking her ticket, you sack of shit. Get busy. Jesus Christ, could you at least fucking pretend to care? At least pretend, John. Fasana Corolla's excited. Just pretend like you carry a fucking loser sack of shit who couldn't make it in the private fucking sector if you tried. Obviously, this shit would never work in the private sector. We'd fucking sack your ass in a second because you're fucking ineffective. You're about as fucking worthless as a limp dick, John, so get fucking busy. Put the sign up, you fucking retard.

[Brian Bishop]

I really hope Gary got the right guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Be nice. Oh, wait a minute. He's LA City chaplain. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is unproiled.

[Brian Bishop]

This is awkward.

[H]

All right, send him a fruit basket.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Doug, just fight it. Just everyone fight it. Look, here's the way I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it as. It's the city against the citizens. I got a fucking. I drive through every red arrow. I have a radar detector. I do nothing but fight every. I got a fucking. I got a parking ticket the other day. I fucking threw it away. Just fuck it. It's fucking game on. It's like Armageddon. They started it, we'll finish it. Fine. All right, all right. Someone get hold of John Fasano's office and tell him to get off his fucking ass and put this up on the goddamn freeway sign.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

You want to Give out his email.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's make sure it's the right guy.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

He is the chair of LA Metro. He's the chairperson. I have identified that correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. What I would like expressed is we got the message on. Click it or ticket. We understand there are things called seatbelts and that it's illegal for us to drive without them.

[Brian Bishop]

This would be a big get to get August on this.

[Adam Carolla]

These coward pussies never show up to anything. Especially stuff that all they do is fuck up.

[H]

We gotta do a live remote from the town hall.

[Adam Carolla]

Fasana F A S A N A J at accent S Duarte D U A R T E dot com. Send him an email. You do not have to be as rude as I just was. And just tell them you want these goddamn freeway signs and you want to explain to people like they if it. Oh, sorry, like an awareness campaign. Yes, in other cities. Other cities. If it moves it mysterious, it clears, it clears. How about that? How about we just rip off how we take whatever they do in mont it steers or clears. And we'll do it in Spanish as well, because let's be honest. All right, thanks, John. Thanks for the help. Thanks, Doug. Fight the man. Fuck all these guys. Look, people talking shit about they don't serve us, they're not serving us. I want them to start serving us. And as I say all the time. Oh yeah, second story on the 405. I get it. That's big public works thing. That's extreme expensive freeway sign. Evidentially, it's already there. It's just sitting there. You type in what you want, all you guys got is clicking her ticket. Oh, and report drunk drivers.

[Brian Bishop]

And the vast majority of the time it says nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

As it said today when the 32 year old blonde chick was standing out in the middle of the freeway. Okay, John, do I have to think of this shit? Put it on this goddamn sign. All right, where were we? Ah, simply safe. Almost sweaty. Simply safe. Ever have that nagging feeling when you're leaving your car in the middle of the freeway, might get hit by an 18 wheeler? Simply safe. Look, no. You leave the house, you want the door locked, you want the window closed, you want it all. But you need to know I got kids, I got a dog, I got people running around. Simply safe. Lets you know. You get all the monitors, you get all the stuff hooked up. An arsenal of sensors. No long term lock in contracts, no big long fat commitments. Just $14.99 a month. Three times. Wait a minute, three times? Three times, fool. Three times less than other companies. So protect your home. Do it the smart way. Do it the way I've done it. Do it the way August has done it. Do it the way Mike Dawson has done it. SimpliSafe S I m p l I simplisafeadam.com by the way. Right now, free shipping. And the keychain remote, too. Click it on. Click it off. Worth 25 bucks, by the way. Get it for free. Simplisafeadam.com all right, I'm just now realizing

[Brian Bishop]

how many of our ads advertise three times better or three times more. Three times comes up a lot. Yeah, sorry, I'm a little late on that because I take the. For a little exposed wiring for the listeners. When you do reads, I oftentimes edit a drop that I'll get during the show so I have the headphones switch, and then all of a sudden, like, three times.

[Adam Carolla]

Three times, fool. All right, Adam Ray is coming this way.

[Norm MacDonald]

See here?

[Adam Carolla]

He should be here any minute.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

It's a new car in the driveway. Let me go look.

[Adam Carolla]

New car in the driveway. All right, hold on, Gary. You know, don't look.

[Norm MacDonald]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll walk in. When he walks in, I'm sure. I can tell you about a little controversy that was brewing over at Prageru.

[Brian Bishop]

Tweeted about this quite often.

[Adam Carolla]

You have been?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I've seen the tweets. YouTube pulled down the videos or something, or restricted them or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they put them under a restricted flag. I don't know a lot about it.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

I can help you out if you like.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

So people on Google can. And on YouTube can flag things as being objectionable for a variety of reasons. And then YouTube has an algorithm where if that happens enough, or if YouTube determines that they're sexual or inappropriate content, it goes on what's called a restricted list. Now, anyone who has filtering turned on on their YouTube account, like, basically anyone with a kid or people who have computers at work. If you search for certain Prageru videos, like Adam's, even by name, it will not come up. You cannot find it.

[H]

But there's. There's nothing sexually explicit about Dennis Prager, right?

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

This part.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you haven't seen all the videos. This part is troll. So Dennis is. He doesn't drink, he doesn't cuss, he didn't smoke. God damn it. He left his cigarettes at the bar. That's an old joke. He's a devout Jew. He's the straightest shooting guy I've ever met. In my life. And all his videos, they're all made by like ex clergy or generals or Harvard professors. Nobody.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

The list includes dozens of professors among universities including mit, Notre Dame, Princeton, Dayton, Boston College, Stanford, ucla, Harvard, West Point, a black member of the South African Parliament, comedian Adam Carolla, and Yakov Spiranoff,

[Brian Bishop]

in order, all the gray, in descending

[Adam Carolla]

order, two former prime ministers. Okay, so what it is is some guy comes on, he's a historian, and he explains why it was necessary to drop the two atomic bombs, Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Well, the groups that troll on the Internet decide they do not want to hear this not message. They don't want to hear this truth. They don't want the fucking truth to interrupt what's going on in their head because they're beating a drum of how bad America is and we never end up. We never stop doing that. And his things are uplifting. And they're pro United States usually, but it's pro United States. Not pulling statistics out of my ass. It's here's what really happened. And they don't want anything to hear it. You know, like, if he'll say more black people have come to this country voluntarily than came here via slavery, well, that's a truth. But if you tell it to certain groups, that's hate speak.

[Brian Bishop]

It's also counterintuitive. Like the video specifically you play on the show before about. No, it was actually in the long run a good thing that we dropped those bombs that is, you know, in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That's counterintuitive. It's like, how can it be possibly good to kill millions? Well, if you look at the big picture, it kind of benefited into the war sooner kind of thing. It's counterintuitive. You don't think of it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what they're meant to do. They're meant to get you to think. But there's a lot of people that don't agree with the truth or they don't like the truth because they're feelings based. They feel. They feel bad. They feel bad that we dropped bombs on innocent people.

[H]

Well, and both can be true. It was a horrific thing, and if it helped, it helped. But it was also horrific.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're allowed to have two different thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not these people. It's just there's innocent people and they're killed and that's that. Now they don't do the math on how many more innocent people will be killed when we have to take the mainland. But that's not their world. The World is not based in facts. It's based in feelings. So then they put on their Superman cape and they go online and they check the boxes that would get the thing flagged for, you know, profanity, nudity, whatever they have. Gary, I don't even know what those boxes are, but they hit those boxes and then they get them pulled down as the algorithm kicks in.

[Brian Bishop]

Enough people do that and it's gonna automatically flag.

[Adam Carolla]

It's aren't. Okay, aren't those people that live and let live people?

[Brian Bishop]

You'd think.

[Adam Carolla]

Aren't they the. Hey, if Susie identifies as Sam, then there should be a fourth batch for he, she, it, and them. And nobody should ever be able to judge about anyone else's feelings or thoughts or whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Let everyone live their truth.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that just dirt? That them?

[H]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? All right. Sexual content. No. Violent, repulsive content. No. Hateful, abusive content.

[Brian Bishop]

Midfield didn't like the looks of you when you were doing yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Child abuse, spam, or misleading. You know.

[H]

Oh, there we go.

[Brian Bishop]

Infringes my rights.

[Adam Carolla]

Infringes on your rights.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a YouTube video infringe on your. You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

It shouldn't even be that.

[Brian Bishop]

Shouldn't be.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

When you hover over the little question mark there, it says privacy, copyright, or other legal complaints. This is my video.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I see.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Someone's profiting.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're back, at least for now, and breathing oxygen again. So now we'd like to undo this because it's insane. It's insane that people have time to do this all. Also me getting flagged. All I said, all mine was, was who not to vote for. That's the person who says, I'm gonna take care of you. I didn't even pick a side. Although it ends up leaning one way or the other. If you watch the Republicans and Democrats give speeches, you'll hear what side it leans to. But really, you're taking offense to. Don't vote for the person that says they're gonna bail you out of all your life's problems. That was. Was with no. And, you know, look, I have a horrible potty mouth, as you may have heard, but this is prager. This is not. There's nothing to it.

[Brian Bishop]

You're bridled, you're restrained.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man, you're subdued. I got a restrictor plate on that

[H]

video, the one that you did was very insightful, really informative, funny, you know, so I shared it a couple times, and boy, did that light off a firestorm of thread on My Facebook page of just craziness. And I thought, what about this video is doing that? It was actually really interesting, informative. It wasn't incendiary, you know, it was

[Adam Carolla]

me with my personal belief, which I happen to know is a truth, which is if you're putting all your eggs in whoever's basket was Obama before, it'll be Hillary today or it'll be Trump tomorrow. Do not do that. It will not serve you. You. It will not serve your family, it will not serve your community. You focus on. Vote for whoever you want. But then when the election's over, get back to work. Do not plan on them doing whatever it is they said they were gonna do for you. That's it. It's had 7 million views and as far as I can tell, 8 million. Thank you. I haven't. I've not got any negative feedback on it, but evidently somebody doesn't like it. I'm guessing it's somebody who thinks that the politician should do more for you or who supports the side who claims they're going to do the most, and that's that. Now, I'm all right with the disagreement part, the part where you're trolling around. This is the part that I'm having difficulty with especially. It is. It's how inconsistent it is. It's how duplicitous it is. It's the part. It's hypocritical, this part where you do nothing but tell everyone just to live their own life and don't judge and support all opinions in all varieties and all. Everything, all ethnicities, all religions. We're supposed to support everything. Not if there's a guy who believes it's okay that we drop the atomic bomb, then he doesn't get to have a voice, and we need to take his voice down.

[H]

Isn't it interesting how that swung sort of from one political party to the other? You know, the liberals fighting the man in free speech, and now it's not so fast with free speech. Yeah, not so free.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, yay. Just go back to the Black List and the whole McCarthy thing. And all that was, was, you know, these guys trying to end the careers of guys who are affiliated with a

[Brian Bishop]

political movement, an ideology.

[Adam Carolla]

An ideology and a political movement, which, by the way, I do actually think is dangerous. Like, I don't like that. I would not want to live under that regime. But it still doesn't give you the right to destroy a guy's career. Because he mentioned Trumbo. You don't destroy a guy's career because he went to a meeting that talked about almost any political ideology or any political ideology. So that was the left. It was a big deal back in the day that the right was trying to end guys careers who were doing that. And now we're trying to end guys careers who say something, have an opinion or do whatever. And you of all people should be aware of this.

[H]

That's why Dave Rubin, who you've been on his show and he was on the show, talks about the regressive left as opposed to the progressive left.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. And a lot of it is. I think it's this thing of like, I must somehow protect everybody from everything, but nobody needs to be protected from the truth and nobody needs to be protected from opinions. That's all. All right, so you can go. They have a petition to. I don't know why. Now they have to petition them to get it back up.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, shouldn't YouTube just review it and make a decision like, oh, this is not hate speech.

[H]

This is clearly zero tolerance?

[Brian Bishop]

Brian, you may disagree with it, but it's just an opinion they have to

[Adam Carolla]

petition them to get back on. But again, now you have the Wall Street Journal writing an article on this. So nice job, people who are trying to derail Prageru. We're talking about it and so is the Wall Street Journal.

[Brian Bishop]

You've got more attention to it.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

There's about 75,000 signatures, so I think we could bump that up significantly. Just go to prageru.com and if you scroll down a little bit, there's a big button on the right hand side that says sign the petition.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do that. And let's get that John Fasana guy. Let's get him out. Let's get him out of that office. What a related stamps dot com. Ah, hit them and then we'll bring Adam Ray in. Feels like there's not enough hours in the day. Yeah, you're sitting in traffic, not going anywhere. Yeah, the post office man. Who the hell wants to go to the post office man? Smells weird in the post office. Out of range. Got that weird tile floor where the wood grain has been worn off it and now it's just beige. But it's along the traffic area. Creeps me out. Stamps.com, buy and print official US postage. Any letter package, whatever you want, do it right from your computer instantly, as fast as you need it. You get the discounts you don't get at the post office. We use it here. You should use it there. I got a special offer right now, baby. My listeners use my name, Adam to get the 4 week trial, $110 bonus offer and the digital scale. This thing. We had one for a while. I didn't go check it out. And then we finally hooked it up and it goes up to 80 pounds. And we all were way off when it came to how much to send this mug or how much to send this book. You can't figure it out. You're going to go too high, you're going to waste money, you're going to get too low, you're going to get the return to save. Go to stamps.com right now. Before you do anything, click on microphone, top of the home page. Type in Adam, that is stamps.com. enter Adam. Oh, right. Adam Ray is here. The 24 Hour War Man. Check out the trailer at my website. You can pre [e-mail] that's C H A S S Y. You guys have been pouring in with the pre orders which is really sweet of you because I know it's kind of a tough stuff sell on a VOD, pre order even a Blu Ray or DVDs. It's sweet. I appreciate it. We've got the money from flying out the driveway to turning around and big shift inching back, inching back in toward port. Yes.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Reminder, you save $2 on the pre

[Adam Carolla]

order if you buy it from chassis.com. all right, well, I'll still call you here. Adam Ray is here. Mad TV man. It's rebooted. Available now on Hulu. We'll talk to Adam right after this.

[Gary]

And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show. Dateline, Alberton, Montana.

[Adam Carolla]

A 45 year old man was charged

[Gary]

with his 8 DUI after attempting to avoid detection by placing two items between his leg and alcohol monitoring bracelet.

[Adam Carolla]

The two items were a piece of buckskin and a pig's ear. Definitely not a Jew. Adam Ray here. Probably a Jew. Probably.

[Gina Grad]

Definitely, absolutely. Shabbat Shaloma Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

We have a leader in the clubhouse for Definitely not a Jew 2016. So many elements there. I love that. Mad TV. The reboot. All eight episodes now available on Hulu. Everybody, we're gonna play a round of jujitsu. We're gonna try this. Adam, you can think of a story where a family member perhaps took some of your own personal momentum.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And kiboshed it. Yeah, it's funny. There's a way to do any. There's a way to. There's sort of a reverse Jiu Jitsu like when I would say to my grandma, well, there's a complimentary uncomplimentary thing where I'd go, like, I'm gonna be on the Tonight show this week. And she'd go, oh, on a real network, that's nice stuff like that. It's advanced.

[Brian Bishop]

That's brown belt level.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy Central and mtv. That's sort of like real stations, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd always say, oh, I like it when you're on a real station. So I can watch. You know, it's like, well, hey, bitch, you spend $14 a month. You could watch every night on Loveline if you wanted.

[Gina Grad]

But anyway, the main one is like a non Jewish girl, I think, right. Like, she could be just super incredible and it's never gonna be. Well, she's not his mom. She's a Harvard grad. She's got, you know, a perfect body. She can fly, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Great.

[Gina Grad]

Is that how she gets to temple or is she, you know. Oh, she's not Jewish, you know, like, my mom's big on that, unfortunately.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of. I feel like the Jews are good at beating you down with redundancy. When I would tell my Jewish grandfather, I'd visit him when he was older and I'd go, okay, Grandpa, I'm gonna go now. You're leaving? Yes, I'm going to. So you're going to go. I don't know how many ways you want to really break this, by the way. You're. You're 91. You're not familiar with the concept of somebody standing up and going to work.

[Gina Grad]

This is a common move.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a very something you should see on almost a daily basis. I'd say in your last 91 years where somebody gets up and goes, murder

[Gina Grad]

she Wrote, she's standing up and sitting down a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You even yourself will get up on occasion and go use them. You leave yourself. Yes. So you're going.

[Norm MacDonald]

My.

[Gina Grad]

My grandma was. She had this little sl. She was obsessed with George Clooney. And so when I started to get into acting, every. Anything I would do, she would ask if Clooney was somehow involved. Like, even when it was like a clear cut, like, there's no way Clooney has a hand in this. And then there would just be this, like, very defeated sigh of like, oh, you piece. Like you disappointment. Like the grandma got into USC acting school. Didn't George Clooney go there? No. Oh, well, I guess it'll be good for you then.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

Like just some sort of, like, undercut.

[Norm MacDonald]

But it was.

[Gina Grad]

Clooney was driving the if she was proud of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

Truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah. Kind of a bummer.

[Adam Carolla]

Young Adam's like, I'm doing a tutorial video for IBM. Clooney gonna drag. Does he invest in that company?

[Gina Grad]

Grandma? I made a video of Kermit the Frog reacting to Two Girls one Cup and it went viral. Was Clooney the composer for the soundtrack of 2 Girls 1 Cup?

[Adam Carolla]

I got a G playing one of the Ninja Turtles for Party Pals. It's a. Oh, is that trying to think all my horrible showbiz jobs. I did comedy traffic school for lettuce and music. Oh, it's Clooney work.

[H]

Did he get a ticket?

[Gina Grad]

Bim. I had to suck a dick to get a part in an Olive Garden commercial. Was it Clooney's got. Yes, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

So we know how the game related. We know how the game is played. We're gonna play. Gary's gonna play us a mad tv. A funny mad tv.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yet kind of. I kind of. I. I do. I. I wax nostalgic now thinking about all those ones we used to do on the commercial. Parodies and all stuff we do on the man show. You guys were spot on with those years ago. Well, well, thank you. And now I'm excited to see Adam Ray. I think this is a commercial.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

I believe. Yes. I believe this is the cold open from episode six.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, great.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Them all out on Hulu.

[Norm MacDonald]

Here we go.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, cool.

[Norm MacDonald]

Just like a good friend.

[H]

State Ranch is here.

[Adam Carolla]

I have been a bad, bad natty boy. And I need some spankings. Jerry. Oh, Alice.

[Norm MacDonald]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Car stuff. Duh.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I'm your agent. That's why I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

What do we got here in box bondage?

[H]

It's nothing. If this is a bad time, that's

[Gina Grad]

a good a time as any. I was just at a costume party at my master's house.

[Norm MacDonald]

Friends

[Gina Grad]

friends house. They have master's degrees. That's why I said that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let's take a look. She's coming. State Farm agent.

[Gary]

Jerry.

[Adam Carolla]

Really, really good. No being stuffed in the pipe.

[H]

I'm going to drive home.

[Adam Carolla]

I can deal with it later.

[Gina Grad]

No, no, no, no, no. Let me take some notes. That's why I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

Jerry. Is that a tickler?

[Gina Grad]

Usually is a pen. It's a feather that I use for dusting. That we're doing right there. And we're good. Let me just take a couple pictures on My phone. And we will be all square.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jerry, water.

[Gina Grad]

Keep forgetting that this is.

[H]

It's warming lotion, Jerry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, it is. Sorry. Not for car stuff.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe you should call someone else. This isn't working out.

[H]

Yeah. Just like a good friend. State wrench is here.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[H]

What the. Oh, hey, Alice.

[Adam Carolla]

Jerry, she's doing a rail of coke.

[H]

I wasn't doing cocaine. I was just smelling my table mirror. I don't do cocaine. I mean, unless, I mean, do you guys have any?

[Norm MacDonald]

No, Marjorie, we don't.

[H]

Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like a good friend.

[H]

State Ranch is here.

[Adam Carolla]

Dead. All dead. Just covered with blood. Okay, that is it.

[H]

I am switching providers tomorrow. I don't care how annoying Flo is.

[Gina Grad]

Nice.

[H]

I like to have a saddle on.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, first time I've worn any of that, people had no problem making the joke. So when are you going to get into costume?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So many good commercials out there that.

[Gina Grad]

To parody.

[Adam Carolla]

To parody.

[Gina Grad]

The commercial game has really been stepped up over the last, I don't know, 10 years, 20 years.

[H]

More production value.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, even like Michael Jordan in a Hanes commercial will get a nice chuckle out of me every now and then. Hey, Gary, you don't think comedy when you think Jordan and Hanes.

[Adam Carolla]

But add the Hitler mustaches.

[Gina Grad]

Wow, touche.

[Adam Carolla]

He had a 14 month period where he decided, you know, it would look good on me. Like the furious mustache.

[Brian Bishop]

That's when you really test your popularity.

[Gina Grad]

Gonna say, somebody must said to him, man, Mike, you can do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, except for rock a Hitler stash.

[Gina Grad]

And he was like, okay, Scotty Pippen, I see you.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, I've been. I've been working this skinhead thing for now 15 years. No one said boo. So it's time I gotta up.

[Brian Bishop]

Really? Yeah, people are getting the message.

[Gina Grad]

Gotta stay current.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta up my game.

[Brian Bishop]

He's such a compulsive gambler that would not be shocked if he lost a bet. Like, you don't make this putt. You gotta wear a Hitler mustache in your next Haynes commercial.

[Gina Grad]

Dude, I've heard.

[Brian Bishop]

Dude, I got this putt.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn.

[Norm MacDonald]

Damn it.

[Gina Grad]

So funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, find Masculout. I don't know why because now I got a hankering for oh, masculine man show detergent. That was. It's for protein. It gets protein. Sorry about that. That's all right.

[Gina Grad]

Well, thanks for playing that sketch.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, it's funny. We love it. And again, not only mad tv, all the episodes out on the Hulu, but about last night with our friend Brad Williams as well. And then standup headlining, by the way, Flappers and Burbank out here. It's a fun, intimate club.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first time. It's a good, it's a good layout. I don't know why. Great layout.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, Burbank should have a. A spot out there, right? There's a lot of. They, you know, the weekends they do really well. I do. I'm not a fan of the, the pre show music. Have you ever heard that? It's like, it's old timey.

[Adam Carolla]

Like old timey. Yeah, it's like

[Norm MacDonald]

that.

[Gina Grad]

Like put on some Katy Perry or some.

[Adam Carolla]

The problem, the problem. The problem is, is you name it.

[Gina Grad]

Ain't too far from that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, cuz you named your club Flappers and now you have to.

[H]

You're locked in.

[Adam Carolla]

You're locked in. It's almost again, it's like the guy decides he's going full rockabilly at 19. Like he's locked in.

[Gina Grad]

It's got theme, like, what are those theme restaurants? There's one in Dallas where like people are dressed up as characters. Like there's like a Buzz Lightyear and a, yeah, you know, Hitler. There's all the famous

[Adam Carolla]

characters.

[Gina Grad]

There's a talking clip, There's a bunch of different like, characters. But you know, it has that vibe to it where you're like, all right, is this comedy or is this some sort of charade?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll take the questions for the jiu jitsu. I'll just play the masky aloud commercial because it reminded me of a commercial parody. Made me laugh.

[Gary]

Billy.

[Adam Carolla]

Not my favorite sweater. Yes, I love my men, but when

[H]

it comes to laundry, there's one thing

[Adam Carolla]

I can do without protein stains. Those frustrating protein stains.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Embarrassing protein stains. You need new masculine, masculine protein delivered at high velocity can adhere to fibers, but masculot crystals penetrate deep into fabric to remove even the toughest protein stains. Sounds great, but can I clean this protein stain sweater? Just look. We stained two identical sweaters with protein, threw them in a hamper for three weeks, then treated one with Mascula, the other with the leading brand. The masculot sweater is clean, but the other one. Oh no, I got protein on my jeans.

[Norm MacDonald]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, place the shower, mister. I'll grab the masculine masculine protein stain remover, shoot it in every load.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, that was a flawless parody. You had every element. The woman's acting was perfect.

[H]

And that wah, wah.

[Gina Grad]

Oh yeah, the quick zoom in on her and the kid and then the animation. You have to have the split screen of like the two competing brains.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We'd get in these arguments with Comedy Central be like, you can't show a load of jizz. And it's like, that's what tide looks like. That's what liquid, whatever GLAAD looks like or whatever they'd have.

[Gina Grad]

That's why it's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks exactly like a load of jizz. We've get these huge. I know. We are argued over the design of the bottle for the shaft balls.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a nice visual gag.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, the socks stuck to her back. The dog, I mean, he had every, every base covered.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God bless us. That wasn't even. That wasn't my idea. So I feel, I feel I can show it with impunity. All right, Jiu Jitsu. Now these are the calls. We'll start with Steve from Houston. So for Adam Ray, it was never collaborating with George Clooney.

[Gina Grad]

That was a big one for the grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was for the grandma.

[Gina Grad]

I wish I could say it was like a once or twice thing and it was like a, you know, just, you know. But no, it was pretty much everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

She was obsessed. You know, if she could have still been living, I would have tried to maybe, you know, get his email somehow get a dick pic for something like Steve.

[Adam Carolla]

27, Houston.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Hey, what's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Going on. Give us a little jujitsu story.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

So I bought a house this year. Three bedroom, two bathroom.

[Gina Grad]

Congrats.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

1800, 1900 square feet with a nice little pool in the backyard. Grandparents came down to visit, have dinner. They stay over in my guest room. She comes out in the morning, she goes, I was thinking about it. It's really good. You didn't buy a house too big since you. Since you're single still.

[H]

Oh, man.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. Jiu Jitsu'd. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Trapdoor anywhere you can pull down. Pit of snakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

For a couple minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about that. Or maybe let the gimp work her over a little.

[H]

Add him in a saddle.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam in a saddle.

[Gina Grad]

Come down there for 1500 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Yeah. Cuz she got in the. It's good when you can double down. She got in the small square footage and the still single.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Double.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Combo.

[Gina Grad]

That's a combo. That's a. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nice. Yeah. Oh, you know what was weird? I haven't thought about this, but my first girlfriend was a Jew named. Her name was Esther. She had to be a Jew.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, it was great, great Jew name.

[Adam Carolla]

And I had a friend starting off strong. I had A stud friend. It was named Chris. And we were, like, best friends. And he was kind of the big man on campus in, like, the eighth grade or seventh grade or whenever it was. Was. I remember it was a simpler time. She was literally just gonna call us and notify who her boyfriend would be. Would it be Chris or would it be me? She started off. I got jujitsu'd in, like, the seventh grade. She called up. We're, like, dutifully waiting by the phone. And she said, you know, I've given it some thought, and I'm going. I'm going with you. I.

[Gina Grad]

At him.

[Adam Carolla]

And she paused and she went, all my friends think I'm crazy.

[H]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. I heard the time, like, looking at Chris.

[Norm MacDonald]

What the.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it's actually Jiu Jitsu.

[Gina Grad]

I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I guess I know who I'll not be dating after you be all of your friends. They all said she was crazy.

[Gina Grad]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

She had to include that in her selection.

[H]

Yeah, shows care.

[Adam Carolla]

Young Jew Esther. Yeah, that's right. She showed you. Yeah, and then she really showed me because she was a Jewish chick. And Jewish chicks, they have no dominion over their hair.

[H]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Until they get to a certain age, they can't figure out what to do with her fucking hair. She could never figure out what to do with her hair. And then at a certain point when she dumped me, she figured it out, like, the next day and went from six and a half to a 10. Like, she became smoking hot.

[Norm MacDonald]

Of course.

[H]

Perfect, wavy tresses.

[Brian Bishop]

You're holding her hair back.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I may have been. She was actually in. Her name was Estee Chandler. And she. I mean, that was her sort of stage name. And she was in, like, you know, one of those, like, high school. Honor student by day, street walker by night. Like,'80s movies. Like, she stars. Starred how you know she's hot? She starred in one of those movies.

[H]

Didn't we see her picture or a poster from that? She was super hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's when the hair got changed. After she dumped me. Yeah, that's how it worked. Hey, Steve. Yeah, that's good. So you have Jewish grandparents that came down to make fun of the house?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nice. All right. That's a good double jiu jitsu.

[Gina Grad]

Did they say anything about the pool?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

They asked if it was heated or not.

[Gina Grad]

Of course. Temperature? Yeah, the water temperature is key. They didn't say, like, oh, it's good you got a pool without the hot tub. That's just sometimes too many options.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, first and last Year is head foot in Houston.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Yeah, it's Houston. So heated pools, not super necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. That also, they'll do a lot of a slight. Like a subtle yellow belt. Jiu jitsu will be the pool.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. That's a lot of work. You know, they slide in that. That part.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a lot of maintenance.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, who are the. Because I race. I have race cars, so I get a lot of. It's a lot of. It's a lot of updates. A lot of this and that and the other. Yeah, we're looking at a picture of a young SD right now. You know, they'll go like, oh, you got a horse. That's a lot of wear. Like, I get it. You don't just chain the horse up, never feed it or tend to do

[Gina Grad]

it or do anything at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Every Tuesday, if you want. If not, why don't bother. And then when you feel like riding it, you just go take it on a long 100 mile run. I get it.

[H]

It's not a dune buggy pools, but

[Adam Carolla]

all the stuff that's fun, like dirt bikes and pools and horses and race cars. There's a little work involved, There's a little upkeep involved. But. But you do it because you want to enjoy yourself. Yeah. Like, it's like owning a houseboat. Like, okay, it's. It's a hassle, but you. It's. It's upkeep, but it's fun.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right.

[Gina Grad]

Even a movie projector, they could probably find something wrong with, Right?

[H]

I would want to dust that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Those are hot. Tim 48, Chicago. Tim.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Oh, love me some ATS with Adam. Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up, bud?

[Gina Grad]

How are you?

[Caller Mike or other callers]

Good.

[Gina Grad]

Happy early Flag day.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

After I got my first. First big promotion at work, I was. I got the chance to travel all over the world, like in Asia and Europe and things like that. I announced this to my mom. Her response was, well, if you're into that sort of thing and if all that weird food. But that's good enough for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Jiu jitsu

[Gina Grad]

from the mom. You weird food. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What a.

[Gina Grad]

What a slice and dice for mom.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird. It is a weird. It's a weird thing to do to family members to put the weird. Like, I get like, it's like the one actor or the one comedian. It's like one comedian and they're with another comedian and they're competitive and. And, you know, Adam tells me, oh, he's playing flappers. I go, that's a cute little club.

[Gina Grad]

I remember doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to play that on the way up, back in the day. Yeah, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Flappers.

[Adam Carolla]

Flappers.

[Gina Grad]

Reminds me of that theater I'm doing next week because it's got a better name for a club.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm playing a place called the Blimp Hanger. I don't know what the. We could probably fill, like. Probably put like 40 flappers in it, you know, But I mean, obviously wouldn't do that. Yeah, yeah. But anyway. That's cute.

[Gina Grad]

Good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller Mike or other callers]

All right.

[Gina Grad]

They still overpriced drinks there.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that.

[Adam Carolla]

How is that? The staff still bidding?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hell yeah. All right. With the jokes. That's sweet. Yeah, I get that. But to your. Your son. It's a weird one. To your son, you know, then. And it come. And it's so consistent. That's the. That's the weird one. It's consistent.

[Brian Bishop]

Where'd you grow up, Adam?

[Gina Grad]

Seattle.

[Brian Bishop]

So did your parents give you a hard time for moving away to college?

[Gina Grad]

No, my mom was pretty supportive of it. She wanted me to get out.

[Brian Bishop]

That's not Jiu Jitsu. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it was very.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, she, she. She also just figured I'd come back, like, right away.

[Adam Carolla]

She was like, oh, yeah, go.

[Gina Grad]

Go down there and try it out.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Gina Grad]

And even when I was Wolverine at Universal Studios, like a year after graduation, she was like, yeah, so just, you know, be a fake, fake superhero for

[Adam Carolla]

a little bit and come on back

[Gina Grad]

and I'll have some chili ready for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what did your mom and dad do? Or what do they do?

[Gina Grad]

My dad was a cardiovascular surgeon, and then my mom was a. She did, like, geriatric social work. And so she, you know, assisted living.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. That to me, be the geriatric whatever work feels like such a bummer.

[Gina Grad]

She's. Yeah, she was doing that and then, like, you know, counseling and therapy. I mean, just. Just such a People help. Yeah, I mean, just all of it. And then she was like a social worker and then was like the activities person at, like, old folks home. And so, so, like our, you know, choirs in elementary school and stuff would go sing to these 90, 100 year old people that, you know, I don't know if they could understand what we were singing or if they enjoyed the songs of 1995 that the lake Forest Park Choir was singing in a weird

[Adam Carolla]

way, like, they always talk about, like, hey, you're gonna go to the old folks home and, you know, you're gonna entertain, you know, the 14 year olds are gonna sing there. They're gonna go there and they'll sing a Justin Bieber song and like entertain. I got. I have a different take on it. I don't think it's to entertain the elderly folks. I think it's a quiet Scared straight for the young kids. You want to be old and alone and broke and end up in this shit place with all the fucking horrible, horrible furniture with all the bad fabric on it. Watch. Arguing over what channel to turn it to. Turn it to with 23 old people. Is this how you want to fucking end up? Because it's really, really. It's a smart national plan.

[Brian Bishop]

It's called 401k kids, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Like we can get all of the junior high kids to filter through the place that smells weird, that has no funky jello, always smells weird. And everyone, when they're done with their performance, starts walking back to the van going, oh, I better start saving my shackles now. I'm not gonna end up like that.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Smells like pee and bleach.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right, right.

[H]

Which makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

There's like a dry erase board that tells you what day it is. And lunch is at 3:30 in the afternoon and peas are the entree. And who's on duty?

[Gina Grad]

Always peasant.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. You make it a little. You make it a little bad, you know. And then when the kids file in and that, you know kids, you can't shout at them. You got to let them experience this stuff. But as they file back to the bus, they're all thinking, boy, we better save our money, you know.

[Gina Grad]

I just remembered about that. I would go on days like if I had to go with my mom and when she was working and stay there and there was like an activities room and there was a pool table and so I'd always put pool. And there was this guy who like worked there, I think, and he had one arm and he played pool and he like taught me how to play pool and he had like a weird mustache. And like after a while I was like, does this guy like actually work here? Because he was always there. And then I went to. My mom was like, yeah, that guy, you know, whatever, playing pool again with him upstairs. She's like, who? Really? Yeah, so I guess he would always just come by and he was like harmless, so they would let him.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna tell a one

[Gina Grad]

armed guy who wants to come by and play pool?

[H]

Wait a second. Was he sharking the patients? I got one arm. Let's play for money. This Time.

[Gina Grad]

Probably taking advantage of all those Holocaust survivors.

[Adam Carolla]

Keyless Chuck found a little shade during the day. That's my homeless guy's name. The harmless homeless guy's name is Keyless Chuck. And he. Yeah, because your mom would know it if a one armed dude worked upstairs.

[Norm MacDonald]

For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You don't. Yeah, I mean, you're walking and you have to check in with somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of pool, I don't know why, but one time I went to the Burbank Y and they made the mistake of, like, putting their pool table sort of in the men's locker room area.

[Gina Grad]

Yikes.

[Adam Carolla]

Which just means old dudes shoot pool nude. Swinging sack. When that bridge comes out, look out. Yeah, look out.

[Brian Bishop]

I got to get the right angle for this rail.

[Adam Carolla]

This is on them. This is on them. You don't. You don't put you. Anything that falls in the confines of the male locker room for everyone over 60 will do it in the nude if. I don't care if it's bocce ball. I don't care if you're quilting. Like, they will do it in the nude if it's in the dudes. Because there's something about that burbank. Why I'm 71. Yeah. It's in the place with the all weather carpet. And I'm just shooting pool nude.

[Gina Grad]

And there's always that one guy that's like, I got. I'm going to take that eight ball by the pussy. You know, just typical locker room pool, nude chatter.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll get ready with a little news. And thanks, Tim. I'll tell you guys about Reverie Bed. Ah, Not a morning person. Good. Me neither. Reverie's your bed now. You take the mattress, you get the firmness, you get fitted, you do your exact body, you have a great sleep. Plus, they got a new iPhone app. How about this? It's a raise to wake. That's right. Instead of the alarm going off, the bed just starts leaning up, just starts raising you up. How much night. Because if you really sleep, running to the bathroom, being that whole, like, that's. That's a really weird, ergonomically horrible way to wake up a human being. Like, you're in ram.

[Brian Bishop]

It's got to take time off your life.

[Adam Carolla]

It really does. Like, you're in RAM, and all of a sudden this buzzer starts going off in your ear. And then you'll always work it in your dream. Like, if you ever have one of those, you have one of those. Especially if you're doing one of those. Crazy. Like, we got to be at LAX. We got. We're going to Logan. We got a 705 flight, and alarms go going off at like 4:55. And it starts going off. It's in your dreams. You're on a spaceship that is just taking a cruise missile in the size of everyone. Battle stations. Battle stations. And then you wake up covered with flop sweat. You're like, what's going on? Oh, I gotta go see Mike August and go to lax. Like, I wish I was back on that ship. Where was I? Reverie. Ah, that's right. Yeah, I got an iPhone. Yeah, we'll work it out. They got. So anyway, it'll rise up. It'll wake you up. They got a program. Program to start the massage first.

[Norm MacDonald]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Starts the massage and then slowly start. You'll actually be looking forward to waking up because you want the massage to kick in. I got the Reverie bed. I love that massage function. I use it all time. I just set it for a half hour and I take a nap when I get home. Anyway, give him a call. Triple 8, triple 8, 59. These guys are great, man. Invest in your health, invest in your sleep. Triple 8, triple 8, 59, 90. Let them know you heard it here, would you, please? All right. Should we do a little news?

[H]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me the News with Grad.

[Norm MacDonald]

News with Gina Grad.

[Adam Carolla]

Showbiz Congress, Tech news, sports news, world news.

[Norm MacDonald]

Give me News with Gina Grad.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird Shit out of Florida.

[Norm MacDonald]

Sex servants.

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

On Obama.

[Norm MacDonald]

Meet the News with Gina Gina.

[Gary]

The News with Gina Grad.

[H]

Well, the Indians took game one in the World Series against the Cubs, but that doesn't mean the Cubs are done. In fact, Chicago Cubs fans are looking at a 1993 yearbook photo taken in Mission Viejo, California, as a sign of good fortune. I don't know if you saw this story, but the Cubs last won the World Series in 1908. But in 1993, Michael Lee, this kid, outrageously predicted they'd be back. In his yearbook, the direct quote said under the picture said, Chicago Cubs, 2016 world champions. You heard it here first. Now, of course, a lot of people are suspicious of this being Photoshopped. However, one Reddit user, he claimed to have found four other copies of the yearbook and that Lee's predictions is in all of them. He lives in Chicago now, this kid, so apparently he's a big Chicago fan.

[Brian Bishop]

He knows.

[H]

We'll see. It could be Biff.

[Adam Carolla]

Mine just said, white people rise, so I don't know.

[H]

That's different.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't even thinking about baseball at the time.

[Gina Grad]

Mine said Whoopi will host the View.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Felt like a stretch of the time. I did have the Trump 2016 as President proclamation and Michael Lee. Here's the thing. Now here's the scary thing about these things. They always work until we speak their name out loud. And then they don't work.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk about it afterwards. They do the thing where they, they go, Timmy the octopi has picked the super bowl champion. Every single year. We take a ball and we float it in his tank and we have a Raiders and we have a. Oh, let's see who they play that year. They got killed. The Bucks, Buccaneers and we float. And each year the ball that he grabs and cuddles with, that's the team that wins or whoever wins the Atari tournament. Dating myself, always that team woman until they voice it out loud and then it doesn't happen. So the key to these things is this.

[Gina Grad]

Just shut up. Don't jinx it. Please don't jinx stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they angry, by the way? A lot of redskin groups out there. And then the redskin or the Indian nation just sort of said who cares? And then I think it slowed people's role. But how about the Indians? Like are they getting along?

[H]

Actually talked about that on the morning show today that they're, they were surprised that people really aren't talking about it.

[Brian Bishop]

The animation is not, is not so much offensive. I mean, I think the progressive groups, they'll work their way down to it eventually. Chief Wahoo is, is could be looked

[Adam Carolla]

at as a little.

[Brian Bishop]

It's almost like the mammy, you know, kind of like, you know, black stereotypical image from like the turn of the century.

[H]

And don't they do like the Chiefs do the tomahawk chop. So isn't there like a chant?

[Brian Bishop]

I think that's pretty far down the list. I think Chief Wahoo is next on the, on the, the crosshairs.

[Adam Carolla]

Braves were pretty famous for the Seminoles.

[Gina Grad]

Well, I think the Indians are kind of getting. That's getting overshadowed by the fact that Charlie Sheen wants to throw out a first pitch.

[H]

Ricky Vaughn.

[Brian Bishop]

I want Charlie Sheen as Roquan for the first pitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[H]

You know what, though? I don't. I should have asked him a follow up question, but I was super tired. My dad, who's a sports guy was telling me that the people of Cleveland don't want that. So they might be the ones that are going to ruin this for everybody.

[Gina Grad]

What do they want?

[Gary]

I Don't know.

[Gina Grad]

Corbin Bernstein. What's his name?

[H]

They wanted Wesley Snipes. No, there's a. Like, there's more of a local hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this, people? Cleveland.

[Brian Bishop]

An actual baseball player.

[Adam Carolla]

An actual baseball player. Cleveland. Here's the deal, Cleveland. You get what we give you, you don't get what you want. Yeah, we're la. If we want to lend you out one of our coked up stars. Thank you. In an edible arrangeable, we'll do nicely. And that's for starters. Yeah. Oh, by the way, where's our stupid bet? Every year, you know, the mayor of Cleveland and the mayor of Chicago, he's going to send over some kielbasa. And then if he loses, well, of course, Cleveland is known for their baked good. I want someone's wife blowing the other guy. I want some real manager on manager, real stakes. You telling one of your lackeys to go put together a basket with kielbasa is not. This is not a bet. Yeah, not. Not of any magnitude at all. You know the bets, like, oh, we. Oh, San Francisco. We'll send you over clam chowder.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're really just doing an advertisement for your city's cuisine.

[Gina Grad]

Papa John's for a year.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Gina Grad]

Dude, fuck his ex wife.

[Adam Carolla]

You cockled make. No, Siriano. Or what's his name? Serrano.

[Brian Bishop]

Pedro

[Adam Carolla]

Cuckold your wife with full character.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, and she's gonna call him Joe Boo.

[Adam Carolla]

He's doing the. Doing the voodoo thing on his dick.

[Gary]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's tapping it with a voodoo doll. And

[Gina Grad]

myself.

[Adam Carolla]

And we film it. We put up on YouTube.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a. I just thought of something.

[Adam Carolla]

Who wouldn't watch that series? Now everyone's in, right?

[H]

Everybody's got a little skin in the game.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally.

[Brian Bishop]

Until, by the way, Clevelanders, feel free to. To tweet me how poorly my warriors did against your Cavs. But until they won the championship last year with LeBron, who made that great comeback against the Warriors, I'm going to guess that the greatest Cleveland sports moment of the previous four decades was the fake Indians winning the pennant in major league.

[H]

It's in Wikipedia with their lineup. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what else could be better.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Losing the World Series.

[Brian Bishop]

Aside from the fighter that you mentioned who won it for Stipe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Stipe. Now Fitch or something.

[Brian Bishop]

He's the best sportsman club in the last 40 years.

[H]

Isn't that the Indians roster from the movie in Wikipedia? Like they're real players?

[Norm MacDonald]

I think it Is gotta be.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean. I'm sorry, so you're saying the movie

[Brian Bishop]

was probably the highlight of Cleveland sports for the last, let's say, 30 years before LeBron.

[Norm MacDonald]

Before.

[Brian Bishop]

Before they went.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean. Yeah, we.

[Brian Bishop]

There's Clevelanders listening right now, nodding sadly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's. I mean, the real heartbreak was them and Denver and the Drive and all that kind of stuff. And some great teams back then, as we've always seen. Seen in my argument to raise the goal post when the Denver kicker, and I think OT kicked the winning field goal way over the top of the upright. Like, there's really no way we could. We could tell. Filmed in Milwaukee, so says Nick. Not even Cleveland, but, yeah, Bob Euchre was the announcer. Yeah, I believe. I believe you're right.

[H]

All right, well, Justin Timberlake's in a little trouble for a voting booth selfie. He snapped. Yeah, that happened on tv.

[Norm MacDonald]

Can't do that.

[H]

No, this happened at Memphis voting machine with the caption, hey, you. Yeah, you. I just flew from LA to Memphis to, quote, rock the vote. No excuses, my good people. Unfortunately, Tennessee law prohibits voters from using their phone for taking photos or videos inside a polling area. Now that the matter is under review of the shelby. Shelby County DA's office, the misdemeanor could land the singer behind bars for 30 days.

[Brian Bishop]

Does anyone know why? Why? Why it's illegal?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I a. Yeah,

[H]

I mean, if you're the one posting it, maybe they don't want you taking pictures of other people's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's. There's a lot.

[Gary]

There's.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we have a lot of voting rules, and someone just went, let's. Let's not have this because they're going to start shooting porn.

[Gina Grad]

Like, how many things do you need to duck? I mean, I know he's. By doing that, he's probably trying to, you know, encourage. Bring some awareness to it. Timberlake's voting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's cool to vote.

[Gina Grad]

You know, maybe it was somebody who sees that and goes, yeah, I wasn't going to, but now the leader, NSync's doing it, so I'm on board.

[Adam Carolla]

But if he said, if he just tweeted I just voted do that, I wouldn't be like, where's the photographic evidence, huh, smart guy? Prove it. I know. Speaking of voting and things, you know, there's this whole condom thing that was going on out here. Prop 60.

[Gina Grad]

What does it say?

[Adam Carolla]

They want, you know, porn shot, pornography shot in California. The actors would have to wear. Would have to Wear. Wrap it up. And I was like, I'm always sort of back and forth on this, but I had a pretty profound thought the other day, which is I like to watch a lot of period SL historical porn.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, okay, sure.

[Brian Bishop]

We all know this about you and

[Adam Carolla]

this would ruin it.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

This would ruin it for me. I'd be like, that guy's supposed to be an Incan warrior and he's got a. He's got a Trojan on him. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Not even lambs, not from the time period.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, not to mention future, like outer space scenarios too, on the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Just put a apple watch on him too while we're at it. Like, you're throwing me way off. And everything I watch is gender aid when he's done based. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Would you like a time sense? A time period sensitive. A condom?

[Adam Carolla]

Some of this. I feel like some of this stuff predates, you know, some of the stuff I like to go back to prehistoric, like old Jerusalem and stuff like that. You know, Old Testament, the dialogues. That's my. The dialogue's better.

[H]

Aramaic.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there was nothing I could do when the tramp stamps were ushered in. I had to just kind of look the other way. Yeah, that's that. But when I see these condoms coming in. Gary, tell me, you know, they must have some recorded something. I feel. Well, when, When. When it is thought sort of generally that the condom was first used. You know, I blame the Egyptians, by the way, because Egyptians must have had some sort of committee where they went, let's just do a whole bunch of shit super early, even if we can't use it. And then later on, people at dinner parties can look down their noses at other people because they'd go. Because you have those people where you go, when was a calculator invented? I don't know, the 50s, the late early 60s. The Egyptians used.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, the one upper.

[Adam Carolla]

The ride. The tractor. Lawn mower. The riding mower. That. When would that come into vogue? Like, actually the Egyptians had the. The toilet with the double flush button, one with the poop and one with the thing. What's that, about four years? Oh, no, the Egyptians had a version. There's always some dick at the dinner party time. Oh, the Egyptians.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you'd be surprised. They were advanced.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right, right. 1855, the first rubber condom was invented. That's 1855. And. But we'll see, you know, when they were using the lambskin or the cat gut or whatever. Oh, if those fucking Egyptians, they literally just sat around and just went, look, we're not really gonna get anything done in the next several thousand years. But if we can crank out a bunch of shit, let's just say Leonardo da Vinci did the same thing. He's like, oh, he invented the helicopter. No, he invented a drawing of guy who could hover. He's not inventing a helicopter.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's a stack of drawings of things I've thought of.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought about this.

[Brian Bishop]

Tm.

[H]

Tm.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a magical tube that carries people under the river and onto the other side. Like, okay, all right, all right. I'm not doing anything. I'll write it all down and then I'll take credit for everything in advance. Yeah, sorry.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

We're sure that they were used going back to the 14th and 15th century. And then there's debates before that.

[H]

All right, Byzantine.

[Gina Grad]

Can the condom be. Be like, you know how some of them they have over there, like, it feels like you're not even wearing one. Like, can it look like that? So that maybe in watching the porn, you don't know. But, but you know, they know for their safety precautions.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

That's what the, that's what they wanted to pass. Right. So that they're safer.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like at this point, if it does pass, instead of just going with the sheer latex condom, let's start selling after advertising.

[H]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, like, let's, let's, let's talk about the elephant in the room instead of trying to squint and avoid the condom.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, let's just put a, you know, shout out for Planned Parenthood or Pepsi or something. You can see it come in and pop out again. It'd be like one of those old timey signs that spun around or blinked on and off or, you know, local pest control company or anything, you know,

[Gina Grad]

by the way, it's about time Pepsi gets in the comments. Let's be honest.

[Brian Bishop]

Waiting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

What's your, what's your hold up here? Dr. Pepper's coming on. Coming in hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Just put the side of a slide whistle on it. You know what I mean? Like something or bike pump, you know what I mean? Like anything that had a butter churn. You know, just make it fun.

[H]

Well, don't forget your birthmark.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right, yeah, that's a big one. And I, I had this thought that, look, you're a guy, you're. You're horny, you're on the road, you're doing your thing, right?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a while you're out on the road, you might get tangled up with a underage fella or a lady who has a fake id, and it's, you know, I don't want you to go all Jared Fogel. Eventually it'll come down to, I can identify Adam Race cock. Like, the person will go. It's a. Literally. Pardon the. It's where the rubber meets the chode. It's a thing where somebody has to go, look, I'll tell you. It's he said, she said, or he said, he said, or whatever it is. But I can go. But I can go. I can tell you what his cock looks like right now. Yeah?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you're gonna win that case.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I came out with this line of condoms that have birthmarks worked onto them. So the chick that you're with on the road is like. He's got a huge. You know, looks like Florida or Alabama or something. I don't know what, but it's a state. It's on the side. It's pretty pronounced, pretty visible. I remember seeing it. It's a perfect square. Actually, it's right on Texas. So he had. And then you just whip your cock out. Ladies and gentlemen of jury, you see anything that looks like Wyoming on top of my cock. And she goes, but it was there. I'm sure it wasn't the guy you were with, maybe you were there, who

[Gina Grad]

looks crazy for creating a birthmark.

[Norm MacDonald]

Cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. But you just put it on the condom, and of course, you slide into the bathroom. It's brilliant.

[Gina Grad]

Shady, but brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good, right?

[H]

It's real good. All right, well, Ben Affleck teamed up with Next Gen Climate and Funny or Die to do a PSA encouraging people in New Hampshire to get out and vote. With a thick Boston accent, Ben, AKA Benny the Sweet One o', Callahan is doing his part to make sure Americans cast their vote on November 8th. Here's a clip of Ben telling the people of New Hampshire why he thinks they should vote.

[Adam Carolla]

You care about keeping the environment safe for future generations. Ever hear of us? You care about people getting to piss in the fucking bathroom of that choice. And guess who's got your back in this election?

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

My basically home state, New Hampshire. Honestly, normally, I'd say the great people in New Hampshire are too good for this fucking election. New Hampshireians are so nice, they don't even yell at you in their car. At least not north of Manchester. Seeing as how this election is a bigger disaster than the New York Knicks, the people from New Hampshire are gonna have to register and vote. Otherwise this whole damnation is gonna be cursed.

[Norm MacDonald]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't talk about curses. Don't put the word curse in the teleprompter. Take that shit out. That's not funny. This is supposed to be funny. There's jokes and then there's curses. Register to vote, New Hampshire. All of New England is counting on you. So go to this website that's situated somewhere around my balls right now and find your polling place. It's no masculine.

[Brian Bishop]

I miss funny Ben Affleck. Yeah, I don't like killer accountant Ben Affleck. I like funny Ben Affleck.

[Gina Grad]

Make fun of yourself like Mallrats Ben Affleck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Give me that guy.

[H]

Take a days to get views. Ben Affleck.

[Gina Grad]

I love that guy.

[H]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Let me tell you, Gary. Let's see. Ooh, Find the man show deodorant commercial. Hi, Gary. Specially devised, specially formulated. All right. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy football. How's that going? Running back. Pulled a couple hamstrings. Sleeper pick. Still asleep. Oh, poor little Sonny. Lost the Corolla digital pool.

[H]

Back in the fairy wings.

[Adam Carolla]

Back in the fairy wings. Had to take a picture of him. Had to hobo him up. All sorts of good stuff. We'll find that picture. We'll put [e-mail] anyway. DraftKings, where was I? Ah, you can still have yourself a hell of A [e-mail] is where you go. The destination for one week fantasy 4 football. No season long commitments. Play whenever you want with the players you want. Never again will you. Injuries have you combing the waiver wire at 2am you can renew old rivalries, prove your superior GM. Try the 5050 contest for the top half of all entries. Win cash. So even if your team's circling the drain, you still win huge cash [e-mail] that's DraftKings.com

[Gary]

don't wait. Start your new [e-mail] now. Use code Adam and play for free with your first deposit. That's Code Adam to play for free for your share of over $1,000,000 in total prizes this weekend only at DraftKings.com eligibility restrictions may apply. C site for details.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's 45 seconds. There's a man show. Oh, they're selling up with a beard.

[Norm MacDonald]

Yeah, a beard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's the man show deodorant commercial. Hi, I'm Adam. Carolla. No matter what I'm doing, I give it 110% Hey, I demand the same for my deodorant. Whether I'm riding shooting boots or masturbating, I need maximum protection. Man show deodorant protection. Man show deodorant is specifically formulated for the chronic masturbator. While regular deodorants stop working at 100%, Man show deodorant keeps going to 110% to offer you maximum protection. Because while the days were made for masturbating, the nights, the nights were made for masturbating. Mancho Deodorant for the chronic masturbator. Like you.

[Gina Grad]

Another classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Another classic.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you guys do commercials that weren't based around masturbating?

[Adam Carolla]

Tough to not do that. I don't know. I can't remember what Jimmy. Oh, well, there was mask. Oh, no, there was. There was man ponds there.

[Brian Bishop]

And then there was also the squeegee thing that went across the manovation. Remember the squeegee that went across the belly?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was the belly Zamboni. That was my invention. That was a manovation. That was not a commercial. I said manovation. Yeah, yeah. So the Zamboni that you're, you know, after you're done, went over your belly, clean it down.

[Gina Grad]

Has that ever been talked about being brought back?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think. I don't. You know, the thing about it is I've never had that discussion with Jimmy, ever. Jimmy's been insanely busy since the second he left, so I imagine we should

[Gina Grad]

have it and have Brad and I host it.

[H]

Oh my God.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be fine.

[Norm MacDonald]

That'd be.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be fine with me.

[Gina Grad]

Okay. To be continued.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta love that show. There's a dildo commercial?

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

Pull it up.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the wait?

[Gina Grad]

Why is it not playing already?

[Adam Carolla]

Presents the mortal Marvelous World of Synthetics. Housewife Patricia A. Uses hers every day. Her daughter Patty wouldn't leave home without one.

[Gina Grad]

Why would you?

[Adam Carolla]

And even Granny Eleanor is getting in on the action. What's all the buzz about? Why, dildos, of course.

[Norm MacDonald]

Dildos.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, dildos. Watch out, America, because these days dildos are showing up in places you wouldn't expect. The dildo process begins here in the molding room where dildo models, like, thrust their bulging erections into synthetic synchro plast quick drying dildo molds. Like. So, can I be a dildo model? Sorry, Mr. Bent Penis. Only the straightest and most attractive of penises will be selected to become models for the future dildos of America. Uh oh, don't look now, but I think our Mr. McBride is starting to flag. Fortunately, fluffer Angela is on the job. Way to go, Angela. Once the dildos are have been molded, they go here to the production line where operators like Mildred add the final details that give today's dildos their lifelike look. That's fine work, Mildred.

[Gina Grad]

Rose gives the nuts a fine polish.

[Adam Carolla]

The end of the line at last. This one's too, too big. This one's too small. Ah, just right. Will it fit?

[Norm MacDonald]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good old fashioned all American dildo fun. Happy masturbating America,

[Gina Grad]

Mr. Bent Penis.

[H]

Can I be.

[Brian Bishop]

So do you and Jimmy each get a Peabody or do you have to split one?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he keeps it the first six months.

[Gina Grad]

Your voiceover guy for these ads is really it. Great.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's Ralph Garmin, who was my old roommate. And then you can find Over K rock as well.

[Gina Grad]

That's a key element of those parodies.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I completely 100% forgot about that. There's so many bits. Although I. I do remember Dr. Stefano. Oh, Gary's gotta look for Dr. Stefano now.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, let's just good pod.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do one. Let's just get pod to show. I'm sorry, but I. I forgot about all these bits and they're funny.

[Gina Grad]

In the pre production meeting for the reboot, we'll talk about a best of show.

[H]

Well, you were talking about an incident with lady drivers earlier and maybe it was because of this. Hyundai Motors conducted a study and found that, believe it or not, women are more likely to suffer from road rage than men. Researchers tested 1,000 people using a combo of sensors and webcams. Found women are 12% angrier than men when they're behind a wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, I. Listen, I could have told you. I've made this argument a thousand. Only 12 if the average man weighs 70 pounds more than his mate. If Lynette had 70 pounds of muscle on me, she'd be kicking the shit out of me every single day. Yep. Like there's no doubt about it.

[Gina Grad]

No doubt about it.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll tell.

[Norm MacDonald]

I'll tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you. I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

Get emotional.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I'll tell you why. It's a simple little, simple little experiment. If you are around a dude and you step on that guy's foot with like, your heel, the guy will be like, oh, hey, dude. Ow. Up. Whatever. Woman will reflexively kick you or hit you in the shoulder. Her arm will go like flying out. It's a hard wiring step On a woman's foot, her arm flies out and whacks. You step on a guy's foot and he pushes you or he steps back or he does work most, mostly. So if you take that just general, that's a reflex.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And then wired.

[Adam Carolla]

Put it out on the road.

[Gina Grad]

On the road.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where you'll find it. Oh, Dr. Stefano's Anal Emporium. You want to see some acting Soon. Show you some acting. Hello, I'm proctologist Dr. Carl Stefano. I've been in practice for over 20 years surgically removing the stuff that people put up their butts for a thrill. You may ask, where does all this quality merchandise go? Dr. Stefano Zainal of quality merchandise. Aerosol deodorant, bleeding stone. Price 3.49. Dr. Stefano's discount price, $0.59. Light bulb, three pack, leaving store price 2.99. My discount price, just $0.49. Declawed Gerbil pet store price over $10 a pop. Dr. Stepano's discount price, 4.49. The competition's prices are astronomical. My price is astronomical. Looking for rock bottom prices on carrots, cucumbers and zucchinis. Then don't forget to check out our produce section. We've got freshness you can smell and pay. Also local. Big savings on football too. Truck, action figure, grapple mod, graduation, camping game. Oh, God. So if you like quality merchandise, you love to save money and you don't mind stuff that's been in another person's ass, then come on down to Dr. Stefano's Anal Emporium. We got rock bottom prices, rock bottom prices in San Francisco, West Hollywood and our newest store in Salt Lake City,

[Gina Grad]

of course, Utah's in on the game.

[H]

I love the bowling pins in the

[Brian Bishop]

background, floss site gags.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the graduation cap and gown I think I may have been most proud of in that particular vignette. Yeah, it's a lot of ass theme here.

[Gina Grad]

Was that a stock footage anal cavity

[Adam Carolla]

or was that a hole in.

[Gina Grad]

Was that in house?

[Adam Carolla]

I now think of all the arguments we'd have with our 50 something year old nice lady who was our executive at Comedy Central constantly about all this stuff we had to do, all the stuff we wanted to do.

[Gina Grad]

Did you have a consistent response or was she just like conditioned after a while to go, okay, I know it's coming my way.

[Adam Carolla]

We would put, what we would do is have Daniel and Jimmy argue with her for a long time and soften her up. And then I'd come on as the good cop always, because she liked me. Oh, she liked them too. But they were giving them a. They would hassle her, you know, and I just come on and go, look, I get it, it's offensive.

[Gina Grad]

I'm on your side.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on your side. But, you know, we gotta do the show Friday. You know, if you really think about, I mean, you know, who's ever going to really, you know, 10 years from now we're going to be arguing over the shape of the masculine detergent bottle, you know? Yeah, yeah. My greatest. I'll tell you the. I don't know why it always just stands in my head as a victory, because you have to argue with the network constantly if you want to do stuff.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And we had an argument once. It was our longest argument, which is, by the way, was over nothing. But it was like. It was a joke. It was like two Yugoslavian women stand in a supermarket and it was some joke about their husband's balls smelling or something. And they just said, we're not gonna make fun of Yugoslavian people. Yikes. And they just kept going. And so we started making up our own countries. Like a Richard Dreyfuss movie from the 80s. You know, it's always bad when they make up a country. It just doesn't feel right. It's like a sports movie where they make up college teams.

[Gina Grad]

You can tell. It takes you out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just. It pulls you out of it. So we.

[H]

Tom Hanks and Terminal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We kept going like, what about El Coolistan or something like that? It's like, it doesn't. The joke's not. The joke's not there. We need to pick a country that exists. But they'd be like, you can't pick a country that exists. Because if two women are from Yugoslavia or Mexico or whatever, and they're making a joke, then we're making fun of that country.

[H]

This was clearly pretty Borat.

[Adam Carolla]

Pre Borat.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I called up Debbie over at our network, executive over there. And I just said, what's your nationality? And she said, I don't know, I'm English. And then I said, what's your husband's nationality? He said, he's German or part German and part whatever. And I said, okay. And I said, my mom is English, but my dad's full blooded Italian. I said, jimmy, what's your mom? She's like, my mom's Italian. What's your dad? He's Irish. Okay. So just because we're talking about two women and we're talking about how much their balls smell and we're saying they're Yugoslavian. It doesn't mean they're married to Yugoslavians. No one here is married to the same culture that they're married that they have. None of our parents were the same, so who's to say what the culture is we're making fun of? Well, we're not because we don't know what they are. How close minded of you. She literally just went, all right, you beat me on a technicality. Yeah, she like, well, there is no guarantee that they're married to Yugoslavian men.

[Brian Bishop]

You know she did. You dissed her, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's get a little zip recruiter going in our lives, shall we? People hiring, posting jobs in one place. Not enough. You want the perfect hire, you need to post on all the top job sites. ZipRecruiter, you can post to 100 plus job sites, including Facebook, Twitter. You do it with one click. Find candidates in any city, any industry, nationwide. Just post once and watch the qualified candidates come rolling all in. No juggling calls, no emails to your office. Used by over 1 million businesses. And right now, they got a deal. My listeners, our listeners can go to ZipRecruiter and they can post jobs to ZipRecruiter for free. So go to ZipRecruiter.com Adam. Ziprecruiter.com Adam. And post up for free. One more time. Try it for free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com forward slash Adam. It's ZipRecruiter, baby. All right, let's see.

[Gina Grad]

You know what's crazy is that Comedy Central, you know, it's ironic that, like, a network like that would be battling so much comedy. When you look at, like, Disney Channel dildo jokes left and right, those kid Disney shows just constantly.

[Adam Carolla]

I see them on Sprout when I had younger, when the kids were young,

[Gina Grad]

Doc McStuffins and Blues Clues just. There's a dildo every episode.

[H]

Unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[H]

So you know that's what Doc Mc Sevens was pulling out of Mr. Potato.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, stuff to get away with.

[Adam Carolla]

Mad TV. All episodes. All eight episodes now available on Hulu. Gary, where did you find that dildo thing? I literally had no idea what that was. I completely forgot about it.

[Gary (possibly the same as C or a different Gary)]

There may be more. I straight up did a. There's a list online of all the man show episodes, and then it breaks down the six or so bits that. That you guys did. I did a Google search that whole page for the word commercial. That was the only one that came up. So all the other ones aren't Called commercials. They're called, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Protein one. I completely forgot about that bit. I wasn't in it, so I don't. I don't remember. No, I just remember, like, going out and shooting doctors. Dr. Stefano. We shot at the 99 Cent Store in Hollywood. We would never tell them what we were doing. You know, it's like we'll shoot like an homage to your store.

[Gina Grad]

You get more business after this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know who wrote that? Me and Dan Dratch. Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch's brother. Hilarious. Funny guy, funny family. All right, so we got the podcast about last night. Brad Williams, you and Josh Wolf. And then. Good call with Josh Wolf. Sorry, it's another one. So you can go to itunes or you like and find that also. Well, just go to adamraetv.com flappers this Friday and Saturday. Yeah, and Flappers this Friday and Saturday.

[Gina Grad]

You're not seeing Crow at the big theater. Come to the tiny little.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, come out to the Grove. That's right. Sorry. We are playing the Grove Jujitsu. One more. The Grove Friday with Milo Yiannopoulos will be doing that, a bottle signing before that at Provisions market in Orange. So I think we'll have to the Mangria and the IPA there and the Majestic Theater in Dallas on the 4th and then the Paramount Theater on the 5th in Austin. So come on out, say hi. Reno Silver Legacy Casino will be there too. Ever just go to AdamCroll.com get the 24 hour war pre order all the good stuff. Until next time, Adam Carolla for Adam Rae and Gina Granbal. Brian saying mahalo.

[Gina Grad]

Him I had to suck a dick to get a partner. Olive Garden commercial.

[Brian Bishop]

That was ADAM Corolla Show 1935. That does it for Ace Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment until then and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm here on the job site with Dale who's a framing contractor. Hey, good morning. Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most. Yep, they sure are. We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs all in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down. It's all right. We're so far up here. Look at me. Take a deep breath.

[Norm MacDonald]

Oh, I'm good.

[Adam Carolla]

So good. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico parents and ghosts.

[H]

Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.