← Adam Carolla Show
Adam Carolla Show
Norm Macdonald + Paul Reiser (Carolla Classics)
03:57:31
#1 ACS #721 (feat. Norm Macdonald, Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop) (2011) #2 ACS #981 (feat. Dave Dameshek, Brad Williams, Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop) (2012) #3 ACS #1230 (feat. Deaf Frat Guy, Lina Esco, Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop)...
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Adam Carolla
Well, you love comedy. You're comedy fans. That's why you're listening to this podcast. And the funniest comedians in the world are on tour right now and you can get tickets to see them live near you. So they're traveling and you're bringing the mountain to Mohammed. They're coming to your town. You don't have to go to their town to see them. And they got huge names in comedy. Otsuko Okotuka is coming out. Maybe not a household name, but I bet if you're listening, you know comedy, you love Atsuko. Bill Burr. Well, there's a guy you know, Sebastian Maniscalco is coming to town near you. And so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. So head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy. and get caught up on all the comedy life can throw a lot your way. In the morning, you might be battling drop off times while your kids are battling imaginary monsters or their shoelaces. But no matter what life brings, Life Cereal puts a smile on everyone's face. With 24 grams of whole grains and and unexpected sweetness in every serving, it's sure to please even the pickiest eaters. Help start your mornings with Life Cereal. I really love my life. Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Carolla Classics until we return. Hey fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's gonna be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of the Adam Coral and Dr. Drew show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is gonna be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Subst. Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics with the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Carla Substack. Please check out adamcorla.substack.com you'll find many more ad free releases as well as the brand new show Beat it out featuring Adam and Jay Moore. Merry Christmas everyone. We're back with a Christmas Croll Classics and Happy holidays for everyone. For the holidays we missed this month and for everybody who missed last year when we didn't do this, four Corolla Classics over the holidays. In past years we've played very specifically themed episodes about receiving Christmas gifts, going to Christmas parties, events with the kids, Adam's family, all that kind of stuff. I try to pick some different clips and go for a different overall vibe. It's still Christmassy. This is gonna be a lot of fun. Hope you guys enjoy. Coming up first we have Adam Kurilla show 721. Norm MacDonald in studio. Allison Rose and Brian Bishop. Getting Norm in studio was a rare feat. There's very little examples of Norm on the podcast. He barely appeared in the morning show and he barely appeared on the podcast. I really hope you guys enjoy this. Rest in peace, Norm. Yeah, Simplisafe. Right now that's the best time of the year to get some home security. Simplisafe, well, they're extending their Black Friday deal only for my listeners. Last chance to protect your home at Simplisafe's low, lowest prices of the year. We all use Simplisafe here. We've used them for years. 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This offer won't Last long, keep your home, your family, and your peace of mind protected with Simplisafe. There's no safe like Simplisafe. Adam's guest today, Norm MacDonald, plus Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan. And now a man who told his kids to leave Santa a Miller Light instead of milk, Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. And welcome, finally to the podcast, Norm MacDonald. Everyone's a fan, Norm. Why is everyone a fan of Norm McDonald? That guy sounds hot. Oh, no, Norm, everyone loves you. I thought that was the intellectual property of someone else. I wish you could love you like others love you, Norm. If you could see you through our eyes. Well, not our eyes, but I'm just talking about the fans. You know what I mean? We see through it. But. Yeah. No, but it's funny when people recognize you sometimes for something you don't like at all. You ever have that? Oh, yeah. They go, I know you from Dancing with the Stars. Oh, Dancing with the Stars. You were good with Dancing with the Stars. I was on a. He was good. He rode that unicycle like no one ever has. I was on a flight the other day, and the stewardess came up to me and she said, Norm MacDonald. Oh, my goodness. And I just sort of rolled along with it and, you know, still better than Ron Jeremy. That guy sounds hot. And I said now. And then later on, she came up and she went, oh, my God, you're not Norm McDonald. You're out of Carl. I'm so stupid. And I said, no, no, no. It happens. I'm sure it happens. It happens to Norm with me, and vice versa. And it's still better than Gilbert Godfrey. The person was saying, I told a person. I did stand up, right? And they said, you know who I like is? I saw as the one that. Who's the one that talks slow? And I said, like, because you think you're a big deal and stuff until you talk to regular people. I'm like, I don't know. Who is it? I don't remember. He goes. I go, is it Steven Wright? He goes, does he talk slow? So that's how little we mean anyone of us. And this was a family member. So imagine just common people. I ran into Steven Wright, by the way. You did? Yes. A very embarrassing way. I was walking through with my friend. I like Steven Wright. And I was walking into a drugstore. He was walking out, and my friend goes, we're right. And the. In the doorways, like, 2 inches apart from each other. And he goes. She goes, look, it's Steven Wright. You love Stephen, right? So I go, oh, hi, Steven, I'm a big fan. And I go to shake his hand, but he doesn't shake hands. So then we're rubbing elbows. Oh, really? In the thing. And he's confused, kind of puzzled as to who I might be. Oh, he knows you. He knows you. Adam Corolla, the comedian. Yeah. Now, people do do that. You do get. Do. Do you get Adam Carolla? Because I get Norm MacDonald. Yeah, yeah. But I just go along with it. Yeah, yeah. It. Why disappoint the person? And one time I was at Acid island, the first thing I ever did. So I was a writer, Right. So there's guy. What's. Who's that guy that used to those short movies on Saturday Night Live? Smigel. No. Oh, before him. Before him. He'd do those sort of semi serious ones. Jack Handy Jack Shit. It was called Shoot. It was. They were. Sometimes you do them in black and white. Tom Schiller, he did the one with. The famous one with Belushi dancing on the. Yeah, he outlived all of them. Yes. Yeah. Which, by the way, when you do that, you have to know you're gonna die in your early 30s. Right, exactly. You knew that. Yeah, but so Schiller, that guy should be brought up on manslaughter charges for shooting John belushi as an 80 year old, dancing on the grave of every cast member who's now still alive. That's right. Right. So Schiller took me to this restaurant and I was just a writer on the show, and he decided to put me in the scene, you know, for this one scene. So the guy that owned the restaurant was this Greek guy, and he didn't speak any English. So him and his wife had rented out the restaurant for the afternoon. So they just kept staring at me because I was the star of this 30 second thing, eating a meal. And so they were all just smiling at me. And so the guy came and he was all, like, shy, and he handed me this piece of paper. His hand was quivering for me to sign, you know, so I'm like, oh, my God. He's going to have a signature of a person no one's ever heard of, you know? Sure. A young nobleman that he thinks is really important. So I wrote Paul Newman because I knew anyone that would come in would go. He'd go, look at this. And they'd go, oh, wow. Yeah, right. Because there wasn't a picture to go along with it, there was no picture. It was just a handkerchief, like a napkin. Yeah, I've had the sign my autograph too. Even though I don't know who you are, but someone else is signing the autograph. And then I've had the drunken friend who has to keep reiterating it. I don't know who you are, but everyone at my table thinks you're a star. So, like, hey, bitch, and go sit back at the fucking table and shut up. And by the way, if you really. While they're blowing you, they're like, I don't think you're so big. I don't think you're such a big deal. It was my friend said you're somebody. I don't even watch tv. I don't even have a tv. I don't even care. And even if you were on tv, you think I care? I let total strangers anally rate me at an Arby's. So you're nothing special. Yeah, I don't think you're special. Yeah, like, you know how you think you're so special? Yeah. I'll let them all use sauce for lubricant. You're not special. I always think, all right, so you don't know me. I'm not special. Why would you come over to this table? Everyone told me not to bother you, but I said, no, he's just a regular person. But if you really think about it, if you really did not know that individual or that human being, why would you. There'd be nothing in it for you other than to be obnoxious. Oh, my God. What about when a guy gives it, gets in a headlock and wants to put. Give you shots of alcohol? I've got a lot of that. I'm sure you would. Yeah. Hey, man, show. We're doing a shot. I'm like, well, listen, my grandfather's funeral. I feel this is out. All right, one shot of Jaeger and then we're moving on to the deceased. Come on, now. I did. I get the. It's my turn to talk next. I get the shot. That's what you said. I don't like the disposable shot. I like when you don't do a shot and then you're a fag. Yeah, they get all. Yeah. They're like, oh, come on, dude. And you're like, well, listen, I have to drive a school bus home with special needs kids. Oh, don't be a homo. Come on. Come on. Listen, I have to operate some pretty heavy equipment. We're building a Hospital for kids with special needs. Oh, so gay. Come on. You know what I don't like? I got the shot. Is that your phone? Oh, my phone. This is. This is a shocking revelation here that Norm MacDonald's phone would be going off. It's probably your agent telling you to shut your phone during the podcast. Oh, you're gonna talk normally. People just put him on hold. This is a good pod. He knows you're on the phone. I gotta go. I'm on the phone. Sorry. You gotta go. You're on the phone. Yeah. It didn't sound right to the person you just hung up on. Let me. Steve Fromstein, a comedian. Oh, I know him. Yeah. This is the best joke. He goes, I was naked in the hotel room today, you know, and the maid walked in. Finally. That guy sucks. I like that. But that. I told this on stage at Caroline's in New York. That happened to me. Remember when we were all in New York and I was blow drying my hair and I hadn't done all the locks and the guy, the hotel guy walked in. Yeah. And I said, why are you leaving so fast? Yeah. It's the same joke from Steve Romstein. But you know what's bad? It wasn't a joke, though. It actually happened. No, it happened to her. It's bad when you announce that somebody where you go, this is his best joke, and then you deliver six and a half. If I were Steve Fromstein and I was here, I'd be like, I got better than that. Come on. You can't say this is his best. It'd be like me saying, this is your best picture and you have a double chin and you're talking in the middle of it like it's unfair to Steve. Yeah, yeah. They do those pictures and they have all the pictures of every possible emotion, like in a National Enquirer. So they have shame, they have happiness. Thrilling. Stupid. You know, in the National Enquirer or some of those magazines where they just cut your head out and just put it in there. Like, you don't have your neck or your shoulders in it, they just cut your head out. Do you know how good looking you have to be to look good with just your head cut out? There's like four people on the planet that can look good. Butter faces. Nightmare. Almost impossible. I don't know why. Even if they do a nice job of cutting your head out and just sticking it on a page, there's only like Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper, like the only two guys who can pull that shit off. And a Third guy named Brad I can't think of. So how much body do you need to look? Okay, you need a shoulder and a trapezoid to look. You need. Yeah, you need. You need Beethoven. Yeah, I did a. You know, they do the. Nothing I would hate worse than a photo shoot. Oh, yeah. So. Well, it involves leaving the house. It does. To be fair to Norm. So I go to the. I go to the photo shoot, and it's beside the lax, you know, that fancy. It's a restaurant from the future. Yeah, that's right. Encounters. Encounters. Is that what it's called? Yeah. So we're in the future and everything. So they said they always get creative these days. It was inside Encounters. Yeah. So they go, how about you dress like the future? I go, oh, God, I don't like future garb. Right. Generally, I don't wear it. Yeah, there's no denim. And then this is the thing with wardrobe people. They love you to put on a lot of clothes. Yeah, that's their favorite thing. That's their job. Yeah. They're into it. And I hate putting on clothes. So anyways, I was on 15 different. You know, and people are eating, right. They only rent out a little part of it, right. So I come out dressed up like a Martian, and people are eating, like, look at me. And then anyway, like, look at Adam Carolla dressed as a Martian. What an asshole. And then finally, in the Entertainment Weekly, it was just a picture of my shoulders and face, and I had a Martian costume on. But you just saw that I. Norm Gold jacket, back me up here, please, if you will. I realized that this business, a lot of this business is about putting on makeup, looking at clothes, trying on clothes, gifting sweets, stuff like that. And if you're gay, stuff that women love, or a chick, you're in fucking hog heaven. But if you're a straight dude who doesn't really like other people smearing makeup on their face and is not excited about all the wardrobe options that they've brought, you're fucking miserable. And it's this thing where you take television and at least half of it has been ruined for straight dudes who like sports because it's fucking miserable. On the other hand, the chicks are fucking over the moon because think about it. You have a stylist, you have a hairstylist, a wardrobe person, you have a makeup artist. So for a chick, it's like, oh, my God, every day's their birthday. And then the gifting suites are exactly the same. Like, oh, we got a double Decker cat stroller that's been bedazzled in advance for you. And you're like, I don't give a fuck about that. This person not only has crystals that are in your zodiac sign, and you're like, I don't give a fuck about any of this stuff. But the gays who run all this stuff get pretty excited for you. And I used to have. You're talking about your publicist, aren't you? All public publicists get excited. They're like, we got you into the gifting suite, and then you get to the gifting suite, and it's a bunch of gift certificates for cuticle pushes and things that you don't give a fuck about. And I keep telling my gays, and I'm trying to convince everybody of this, and I don't understand it. They would book us in these stupid hotels that just had one letter and they talk about the bar on the roof that was totally trendy and totally happening. And I just want to blow in, do the show, beat off, and go to bed. You know, he's gay. And I would say to him, I finally said, what if I booked you in the NASCAR hotel? You think. Do you think I would go, oh, Alex and Lynn are gonna love it because they have Dale Earnhardt Jr's actual fire suit from his 1985 points winning system season. And then there's Rusty Wallach over there. There's a bust of Rusty Wallach. I would know. You guys would hate it, right? Because you don't give a fuck about nascar. Dick Weber will be showing up later. That's right, Golf. I mean, bowling legend Dick Webber. Yes. Smokey Yunik is going to show you how to remove an extra 10 pounds from your NASCAR. Don't you? I know you guys would be miserable in that environment. Why don't you guys apply the same math to me with the chick who's giving out the crystals? They're clearly getting, like, not kickbacks, but, like, you know, hey, maybe we'll get a room down the road, you know, we book Adam here for nights. I don't think from the Crystal lobbyists, more from the M W H Hotel. The lobbyist sounds like a great tech techno band. I think they open for Sonic Youth. It's hard to convince people that you don't like what they like. Oh, yeah. It's like. It's like a food, you know, it's like when. When I find out. When I found out that producer Angie didn't like Rainier cherries, I wanted to bust a chair over her head. I was like, are you nuts? This is the greatest fruit ever. Well, it's actually. It's usually the guys in bed. He's going, you like that, right? And meanwhile, she doesn't like it. Right, right. You're just saying you like it, and you're hoping she does. You like that, right? I hope. Well, Norm, let's talk about you. You're so bright. They never bring it up. Have you ever noticed that the chicks. The lady never goes, I like that. You have to go. You like that, right? But we will say when we don't like something, they nod, but it's just you taking a handful of the hair and forcing them to nod. Oh, my Lord. Oh, well, Norm likes a little rough trade. You know, good luck. Norm's qu. Norm, let's talk about you for a second. Let's talk about. Let's talk about. You'd rather talk about anything else? No, no. I want to get to the bottom of Norm in a complimentary way. Everyone's a big fan of Norm. Everyone always says, why can't you get Norm on this show? Everyone says, you and Norm are the greatest together. Even though we can't tell you apart. Maybe that's what we like about it. That seems like a bad team. But Norm. Norm's a little bit. Seems like it would be the. It's like, okay, let's cast these two guys together. They're similar. They're exactly the same. Yeah, we'll pay them each. Norm is a little bit reclusive. Yes. Norm. Yeah. Well, I don't drive, so I'm living in Los Angeles, so my world is small. Why living in Los Angeles and not driving, like living in Russia, not smoking. It just doesn't make sense to me. When you become an old man, you get afraid of learning new things. So I never learned when I was young, but money that I ever thought of on a car. But how about this? How about somebody teaches you how to drive, and then the world just. When's the last time you learn something new? Hey, you're talking a guy who did Dancing with the Stars. Well, yeah, yeah, I understand as an adult, but, you know, if you're Dancing with the Stars and you make a mistake, you won't crash and a piece of glass won't go through your cheek. You're not gonna plow through a farmer's market in Santa Monica and take out 80 people. Well, I'm not worried about the 80 people, but I'm worried about the broken ribs and the coughing up blood, suffocating on my Own blood suffocating on my own blood is something that. Well, hold on a second. Dancing with the Stars didn't involve. Well, let me explain something. First off, you're gonna drive a car with airbags and seat belts and crumple zones. You get a nice normal car, you learn to drive it. What happened to the ones 15 and a half year old chicks can drive a car? I know that I almost thought that I get the one that parallel parked by itself, but I guess they don't sell that anymore or something. Did that not work out? It's getting there was, I think a Lexus that would do it yourself. That was. You could see horrible mistakes being made. Well, that was all part of my apocalyptic future called Navageddon where the satellite turned on everybody. So you're driving the Lexus at parks itself. Right. All of a sudden the rogue satellite, it gets a virus, a space virus. Right. Next thing you know, you're just gonna drive over to Adam Carolla's podcast and you start trying to get off the 5 freeway and you see the doors lock automatically and the steering wheel you start fighting with. And then the cruise control jumps in and you can't override it. Next thing you know, you're heading for the Grand Canyon. Wow. Yeah, it's just gonn navigate. All the cars are going in. But guess what? Clive Owen would sign up for that. Bruce Willis drives a Jeep. Bruce William. Okay. Yeah. And I mean, you know, it's all but done. I spoke to Bruce. Yeah. I like when people. I like when people have done the. I reached out to Bruce. Yeah, I know. Except for he never saw it and he's never gonna do it. Yeah, we reached out to him. I've reached out to R. He drives an old Willys Jeep. Yeah. And he's old school. No gps. Yeah, no gps. But somebody's got to go up there and take that satellite down. I see. And that's how he's against the guys in the white suits. Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't drive. He doesn't drive that way. Everyone else is being flung into the Grand Canyon. It's interesting. I was locked into there is Bruce. Yeah. Let's. Let's put him in a 50. Let's put him in a 63 vet convertible, red four speed. Yeah. 327 small block. Yeah. Anyway, no self parking, no self door locks, no cruise control, no navigaddon for Bruce. First half is everyone calling him old man, making fun of him for driving, driving that old car. And he says I like the way the stick shift feels in my hand. And they're like, are you kidding? My car drives itself to work. I can shave. I can do stuff on my iPad. I don't even have to focus. People are locked. Locked in their cars and screaming and everything. Yeah. He's looking at a compass. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. And he's putting that finger out. He's licking his finger and putting it out. Out of the car. Yeah. He even doesn't move where he pulls off some grass and lets it fall into the wind to find out which way the wind's blowing. You want to hear a great joke Bob Hope did at the bottom? Is this his best joke? It's the funniest thing I ever saw him do. All right. He was at the Bob Hope golf tournament, and he picked up some grass and he threw it up in the air and it floated a little. And he said, caddy, give me my sweater. Except for the caddy wrote him that joke. But still, that's funny. All right, let's get back to Norm MacDonald. So, Norm, you start off in Canadia at what age? When does the comedy start? At zero. You start off at zero. Yeah. It actually makes sense. And then when does the comedy bug bite Norm MacDonald? It didn't really. I mean, because I. When I was young, I didn't. There was. Because in Canada, there's nothing except hockey. And then. Did you play hockey? Yeah. But you can skate. I can skate. You can skate backwards? Sure. You can do that thing where you go and make that. Spray that. But you can't drive fancy backwards where you make one leg cross over the other one. But you can't drive. You can't drive a car. No. But you can skate backwards at speed. When you learn, when you start when you're three. But the bad thing about it is you don't learn any other sports, just hockey. So you try to learn something when you're old. It's hard. We get that theme. What? We get that theme in your life. I could teach you to drive. Norm. Norm, here's my contention. But you drive fast cars. Do you have any slow cars where you don't press or you don't press the gas a little bit? You can borrow my Honda. I'd like to help you, Norm. You're racing a man. I don't want to be in the position where I hit. I met the red light, and then I hit the thing, and I look over and there's a guy, black guy, probably. It doesn't matter what color he is. He feels I'm in a race with him. Right. A race war. Because I have a race. Right, right. Well, he was black five minutes ago, Norm. I think you would not. Because I say black, because this happened to me eight days ago. I was driving down the street. You were driving giant. I mean, I was in the passenger seat and a giant. The biggest car truck you've ever seen. You would know what it is because you're into cars. The ones. It's almost a truck. It's a big suv, but the tires are so giant, it's six feet taller than you. And I looked out and looking down at me. It's odd when you are terrified by a celebrity, a rich celebrity. But this was Suge Knight. Oh, yeah. So most rich celebrities are targets. Right, Right. You figure, hey, I beat that guy. He's the Arrow. Yeah. He scares you. Well, to be fair, he's a. He' known for. He's a celebrity because he beats people up and intimidates people. And he's so massive. And he was in jail and all that kind of stuff, and he was the place I used to live when he got out. They had a big giant. They had a giant. Oh, look, there he is in his giant truck. Yes. You rarely see black guys alter the rims on their vehicles. This is interesting. So when he got out, across from where I used to live, there was a big giant billboard saying, welcome back, Suge. Oh, yeah, like on Wilshire or something. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Wilshire in Los Angeles. Yeah. So that's where I used to live. Right near where Suge Knight. I don't want to burst your bubble, but that was a French guy named Serge. You just mispronounced it. A lot of guys, like, a lot of white guys, if they go to prison, it's pretty well over for them. And also black guy. A lot of white guys, when they become rich and successful, they give up being a pimp or carrying firearms. Anything that's illegal, they go, Well, I got 50 million. I may as well play it safe now. Yeah, it's interesting. Tim Allen sort of lived down the part where he was dealing coke once he got Santa Claus. Right. But it was before he did the sitcom. It came out. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But Tim Allen didn't walk around going, who needs some blow? I'm a player. He started. Somebody said, said, put on this flannel shirt. Let's not talk about the kilos of cocaine you were caught with in the 70s. Let's live that down. I think Snoop still says he's a pimp. Like is still a pimp as well as a. You know what it's like. It's interesting because, yeah, for the brothers, you get street cred. And for whitey, we're somewhere between scared and amused, you know, where we just kind of laugh it off. But no one's gonna get involved. I'd be a bad pimp. Like, you be my girl. All right. You two be my girl. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm okay. Listen, girls, I got to talk to you. Yeah, okay. Hey, Sir Magic. Norm. Listen, I don't like you guys have had attitude against me. Well, I just feel like you've been taking a lot of our money. A lot of you have not been paying me. What? You know I have the knife. I know you guys have never seen it, but I've told. I'm the ones that found you at the bus stop and let you sleep on my couch. Yeah, that wasn't much of an upgrade. Especially constant raping. Yeah, I had a good night. That was part of the deal. I thought that was the unspoken. But anyways, I want some of the money. Look, it doesn't have to be 90 10. I understand the 9010 was a little usurious on my part, but have a 50. 50. You get to sleep here. Cheryl, what do you think? I don't think so. I don't know. It's. I have. You know, I really haven't been living for. I'm starting to think you guys don't believe I have the knife. I haven't seen your knife. But you've heard stories. Well, only from you that I cut that girl. That's a true story. I wasn't making that up. I talked to Cindy. Oh, you know that. You've met Cindy? Yeah. She said. She's a liar. She said you never cut her. She's said she got in a car accident. That's where the scar came. She said you talked about the knife all the time. That's what she said you said to her. Yeah, I can buy a knife easy. I know. Well, now you got to buy a knife. I know people. Hold on. You said you had a knife. You have a knife. But it's in a catalog. I know people that could get me a knife illegally that couldn't even be traced. I'd stab you. That's like me saying I have a swimming pool, but it's at someone else's condo. What? You used to be afraid of me. I'm not well, you don't even have a knife. You just said you could buy a knife. You used to be so afraid of me when I threatened, you know, you said you'd beat me with a car antenna. But you don't even have a car. You drive a geometro. That's not a pimp car. You want to go to a bad guy. I thought you were badass. I've never hurt you. But listen, I've protected you from everybody. Beat me. I protected you, Haven't I protected you? Except for the two times you. The two times. And those guys were big. All right, but you promised to beat me, and that's why I was attracted to you, because of the history I have with my stepfather. Physical abuse. I get uncomfortable, but I push you. You pulling lint off my sweater is not a push. I said the other night that your. Your. Your lasagna was undercooked. Yeah, I know, but so you like. So I gave you. And then. That's because I gave you a middle piece. When I give you an end piece. You said it was delectable. And that thing you do where you lick your finger to wipe the stains off our faces, we don't like that. Yeah, we don't like the smudge thing. I've become too close. Look, we didn't get into this not to be beaten or threatened or to keep 90% of our booty. How often do I mention the knife? All right, and you reminding us to use condoms and to say thank you. And you telling us we don't have to do what we don't want to do. Yeah, it's not helping our business. Yeah, well. Well, you don't have to do any of this stuff. Listen, unless the guy. Unless the guy's big. I'll protect you guys if I can take the guy. Remember when you invited us? I'm not gonna stab with your knife. I'm not gonna stab. No, I'm not gonna stab a guy. Well, you invited us to stay on at your. At your. Sometimes he's just doing weird stuff, but it's not that weird. But let me say this. You're. You working out of your mom's house is awkward for both of us. Okay? Yeah. And sure, she's a delight, and she makes a great pudding. Nobody mentioned anything, right? This is a complete secret. Well, your mom. I mean, look, let's. First off, you wearing Dockers and flip flops is no outfit for a pimp. We're gonna have to get you, like, made over. You drive a Geo Metro. You keep Threatening your pimp hand. But you never laid a hand on either one of us. You're not verbally abusive. You're not physically abusive. I laid, by the way, the first two nights I spent on your mom's sofa. I slept with no underpants on, presenting. I wasn't raped once. You came by two times. You offered me milk when you went to the kitchen. And then another time, you offered me postum. I don't even know what that is. You're just a bad pimp. Thank you. The bad scene. Thank you. This is about the most interesting reenactment I have ever been a part of in my life. You know what made me think of. You know what I started thinking of, Norm? When you're talking about, like, the brothers arguing over, like, where how bad their neighborhood was. And then the other one would out the other one by saying, hey, grew up in Brentwood, man. And the guy's like, I lived in an apartment like that to keep going about how shitty their neighborhood is. If you go. You know, it's funny, if you go to an old diner and you see the pictures of the old celebrities. Now, if a celebrity smokes, they have to go out to the back of the auditorium and, like, hold. Have someone hold their jacket up and sort of, you know, pretend. And so no one gets a picture of them smoking. Back in the old days when they took pictures of celebrities, they would just hand them a cigarette. Like there's pictures of Shirley Temple just holding a cigarette. Like they all had cigarettes. It didn't matter who they were. And I'm sure some of them smoked, but not all of them. I see. Just to make them look glamorous. So they would actually hand them a cigarette versus. Now, if a guy did smoke, they would always tell him, put that cigarette out for he took the picture. They would do the ads. It would be like, William Bendix likes Chesterfield. Who. I was gonna say, speaking of ads, how about proflowers? Oh, Norm. And this. This is perfect for you. You don't. You don't leave the house. I've used proflows. That's why you want to use proflowers. Is that William Bendix? Wow. Proflowers. They got a lot of great holiday Pride of the Yankees. And you don't have to. You don't have to leave your place like Norm. You don't have to summon your driver. That is why I use proflowers. You do, don't you? 800 proflowers, and you mention Ace, and they give you a deal or you go online. You go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the top right corner and you type in Ace. That's right. Oh, that's Shirley Temple. Temple and Charles G. Black. Is Shirley Temple smoking? Oh, she is smoking. Oh, that was fast. Yeah. Nice. Who have you sent flowers to? Who have I sent flowers to? My mother. Every. Every Mother's Day pro. Flowers using proflowers. Use proflowers. She likes them. Is she. Is she. Is she a fan? She loves what flowers or proflowers of Norm MacDonald. When I first did Letterman, my mom phoned. First TV I ever did, and she was very proud of me because of my shirt. What did your shirt say? It brought out my eyes. Ah, you do have piercing blue eyes. So. And then my father. My father said, did you meet. Did you get to meet that guy with the potatoes? The potatoes? Yes. There was another guest on the show that night who had potatoes. You trying to say potato? Potato. That looked like. Hold on. Do you spat it differently? Like the English spell potato? We say potaho, you say. I say potatoes. What do you say? I think that worked now. Yeah. Say badminton. Badminton. Okay, good. Potatoes. Work potato and badminton into the same sentence if you could. For one second my dad said, did you get to meet that guy with the goddamn potatoes? So I was like, yeah. So there was another guest that had odd shaped potatoes. Like one of them looked like LBJ or something. But he was like Letterman's third guest. I was the second, you know, and there was another guy my dad didn't know, like Woody Harrelson was the guy. Right. But my dad was like that one goddamn potato that looked like. That looked like a cat if I ever saw a goddamn. So your dad simply focused on the guy with. He thought he was by far the most entertaining guy on the show. He didn't focus on you, his own son on Letterman. But that's okay. He was impressed that I would get to meet the guy with the potatoes. He's a withholder. He's withhold. No, he withholds love. He truly believed that. Oh, so he doesn't love you? No, he truly believed that I would be impressed to meet that guy with the potatoes. He was envious of me having the chance to meet that guy. Well, so how was it meeting the guy with the potatoes? I never met him when he talked to those losers. He should have. But I'll tell you, when I was on Star Search and Lost, we have the same. We had the same manager, but I was on Star Search. I lived in Canada. It was the first thing I ever did, and they said, come to America. My manager said, you'd be on Star Search. I say, I hate that show. They go, wow, look at Norm. That was fast. Yeah. You look like a coat hanger holding up. Yeah. That was my David Byrne. Yeah. It's a good look. Yeah. And so I went to. It was called International Star Search. I said, I'm not gonna do Star Search. And my manager goes, no, it's International Star Search. If pays. There's only you against two other guys. It pays a million dollars. I said, a million? So I'm like, a million dollars. Okay, I'll do it. It paid $5,000. And it was just a. It was part of Star Search, but it's called International Star Search. Nobody watched it. It was me against a guy from Africa. Another guy from Australia. The guy from Africa wore African robes. Tribal robes, sure. The guy from Australia wore a safari outfit. Really? I wore what you see on the screen. Yeah. A suit. Yeah. Well, that is our. And I had no jokes about Canada. And the guy from Africa was like, I have to hunt my meal. Right. Right. Then I go out. I'm like, anyone have an answering machine? Nothing to do with Canada. Right. Because international. I got no laughs. Oh. I think that's mathematically impossible for MacDonald not to get a laugh. Laugh. Can I say this? I will tell you a fun thing that happened with McMahon. Ed McMahon. I bombed. You only get three minutes. Right. So if you. If you're a minute in and you're not doing well, it's pretty much over. Right? Right. You're not going to save it, you know? Right. Those. All three minutes have to do well. Sure. And at one point, as a matter of fact, I looked over at Ed McMahon. Everyone didn't like me, and I looked over at Ed McMahon. For the first minute, they like, they warmed up to me. In the second a minute. But the first minute, I looked over at Ed McMahon, kind of worried he lost him again. And he was glaring at me. Really? This is Ed McMahon, who laughs professionally. Right. He's a professional laugher. Right. He's taking some time off. Sure. So I. I finish now, I know I've lost, you know, But I decided it'll be fun to stand next to Ed McMahon, and. And just because I'll feel like Johnny Carson. And so they tell you beforehand. They go, so they don't know what Ed's going to ask you. Ed could ask you anything. Right. So Ed goes. He just pretends everything's fine, even though he didn't do well. He goes, norm, you're from Canada. He goes, tell me, what do you find is the difference between Canadian audiences and American audiences? So I go, potatoes. I go, I think American audiences have better shoes. So then he genuinely laughs because it's so retarded. Right. He's like. He's all confused. And then he goes directly to commercial. I wish I had this. He goes directly to commercial. And he goes, we'll be right back with the international spokesmodels. Oh, yeah. Shoes. He just said shoes. He just said the word shoes. Yeah, he showed up a minute. Yeah, I lost. And it was international stars there. So after words, you're relegated to a room with the international losers. So there's Venezuelan children's singers. Sure. All sad because it was their only hope of a great car, better life. Yeah. And you. So, Norm, let's get back to you in the driving for a second. Yes, sir. Are you reclusive? Do you feel like. Because we all know, by the way, just as an excuse of how badly I did on Star sign, a full 85% of the audience were members of the other families and therefore spoke no English. Oh, yeah. Okay. So about the driving. Yeah. You want to teach me how to drive? Yeah, I'd like to teach you how to drive if you have a car that is a very incredibly safe car, like a Volvo. Well, let's. First off, teaching an old lady, I can get you a safe car. But let's just think, the unthinkable happens in Norm Parishes. Oh, Jesus Christ. What do we do? Way to get him to agree to this. Are you talking about. What's your liability? Probably everything. I'm saying, as far as society impact goes, I would say you would have to take care of my child for the rest of his life. All right. How old is he? He's 19. Oh, well, he's got another year and a half, and then I'm cutting him loose for the rest of his life. So when he's 40, I got. He's a bum. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is he? He's a bit of escape grace. Escape grace. Oh, wow. I like. Is that like a ne'er do? Well, it's like a never do. Well, is he a rapscallion? What is he? Yeah, what does he do? Doing who? My son. Yeah, as his son. My son goes to college. Is he. Is he in the States or is he in Canada? Where's he go? I don't want to say where he goes, but he goes to a nice place. You're a smart guy. So he must have. I never went to college. Yeah, but you're. You're a mathematical genius from gambling. I never went to college. Like drug dealers know the metric system. I never went to much to high school, but, you know, you're high IQ guy. I don't believe in IQ that much. All right. But I just know I. I know that a lot more people. I mean, people always know way more stuff than me, so I don't. But, Norm, what we. We. Let's get back to the driver. Smart, though. Yes. I think. I think you're a little bit of a recluse. I'm recluse. And it would open up my world. It would, but only if you wanted your world opened up. But I don't think you want your world opened up. What are you fucking Mark Marin? Yeah. Why don't you watch? Your world opened up, up. Like you could drive places. It would be awesome. You added when I said that. I know. Seriously. He's so amusing, though. He could have been that funny on International Star Search, maybe have a career. I lost to a guy who. Now this is funny. I lost to a guy who now hates my guts. He wasn't really. He was from Africa, but he was actually, I think from Seattle. Oh, really? But he. He's posted YouTubes, whereas why is. He hates my guts. He's posted YouTube. They posted YouTubes of him, like watching me on the Tonight show and going, I beat that guy, man. Norm MacDonald. He knows it. Oh, I'm the Bushman. I lost to the Bush man. I get it. So it's sort of like a guy who beats Muhammad Ali in the amateur ranks and then just goes on to be a tomato can. But when Muhammad Ali is world champion, you get to sit around drunk at a bar and go, I beat that thing, dude. Jerry Bulger, right? Yeah. I'm George Chevalo. Wow, that's a good. See, you're smart. These are all. These are all middle of the road heavyweights. Yeah. I'll put you in a Randall Tex Cobb, because I'm feeling generous. All right. He was a better actor. I had. He is a fine actor. If anyone saw Raising Arizona, I did. I did Letterman and was on before James Brown the first time I did Letterman. And then the last time I did, I feel, oh, here's the guy. Last time I did the Tonight Show, I was on before Neil Diamond. So I got that going. I get to be that fat guy in the bar going, I was on before. I led before Neil Diamond. I led before James Brown. And by the way. No one can have James Brown come out in front of me ever again. It's physically impossible. Is this guy. Do we have this guy's rant? No. McDonald. Norm, I'm not afraid of. Of you. If you want us to get into a comedy bout, I would take you on anywhere. In Canada, in London, in Australia, in la, on the beach. The world is clamoring for this. I am not afraid. This is like Pacquiao and Floyd Madeweather Jr. Knock you out with all your millions. Millions? He thinks I have millions. Let's get it on, dude, it was 5,000. I want to win a battle. I want to fight. Fight you, man. You know why? Cause you got millions of dollars. I ain't got, man. Look at me, dog. Look at me, dog. I'm broke, dog. I ain't got. And you not funny, man. Look, man, that's an acquired taste, but I would say it's funny. People think you're funny. I'm laughing. You brought up Ed McMahon. I know that. I beat you. How can you. You know, it's so sad what happened to Garrett Moore Morris. Garrett Morris is a regular on a TV show, a famous one, a big hit. Last time I saw. What show? Because the last big hit that's gonna be on 10 years. Last time I saw Garrett Morris, he was like, hey, man, can I talk about my magazine on my radio show? And I was like, you have a magazine? And he said, I'm thinking about starting one. I said, about what? And he's like, I don't know. What do you think? I'm like, how much pre press do you want to do for this magazine that you haven't sorted out yet? I just think be cool to talk about it. I'm like, but I don't know what it's about. He's like, I don't know either. What do you got? And I thought, Jesus Christ. He's just. He's been. One time I met and he's been shot eight times. I know. Yeah. So. So, you know, I cut him some slack. What show is he on? I think he's in Saturday Night Live. Norm. I think that Garrett Morris is insane. He was on. He's on 2 Broke Girls. Oh, is he? That's gonna be. Does he know he's on that show? I don't think Garrett's insane. My goal is to. You want to know my goal? Tell me if you think this is a good goal. All right, well, never mind. It's about being about doing a podcast, but I think it's a Secret. I think it's a good idea. What? No, I think you should do a podcast. I want to interview all members that have ever been on Saturday Night Live. That's a really good idea. I'm pretty sure Mike August could book Jan Hooks, but that's where he stops. That's what he told me. Yeah. Hey, speaking of cars and Norm not being able to drive, Norm, if you did drive, you'd need nice tires on your car. I would love nice tires. Nice, good tires. Discount tires. Best tires I have ever heard of. But you go ahead. Is that Chanhooks Discount Tire in America's Tire? Yeah, they got a Facebook con. Our friends over there at Discount Tire have a deal for you. They'll bring out to LA for the weekend and they're here to meet me. Norm won't be here because he doesn't drive. Includes round trip flights for two. Two nights at a nice hotel, 500 bucks spending money, plus tickets to the Petersen Automotive Museum. You can go visit my Miura over there. It's up on a nice platform. And a behind the scenes tour of the shop here. See the shop, see the studio, see all the car stuff. Do they have white walls? They have white walls. Yes, they do. Yeah, you can get white walls. They'll get you anything. They got me my race tires. Enter@facebook.com discounttire or you can go to our site if you want. Facebook.com discount tire and then we'll bring you out here, hang out and they'll give you some money. It's a great contest, Norm. Zoe, back to you. Let's be serious. First mount. Do you want to break out of your shell by driving a car? Yes. Well, I think a driving a car would probably break me out, make my world so much larger, so much faster. Would you like that, though? Yeah, I know it's a scary proposition. I think I would. I mean, I'll tell you what scares me most about driving, honestly. Parking. Like when I'm in. Even with a person and we're in a downstairs place, what's it called? A garage. And everybody's like jockeying and then there's no laws. Right. Like, you know, it's lawless. Yeah. Once in a. You go against traffic. Yeah. I get scared. I don't know how I would deal with that. If all of a sudden I was like, and they're honking and I'm like, in a downstairs place. I think I might bolt and run away and leave the car. I always wanted to. I think it's illegal. I am Like Norm, but I actually drive. You can tell if you look at my car because there's scratches all over it and dents and things. You go through it. Can we. Norm, can I teach you to drive? First off, not only do I have a license for vintage racing, but I also used to teach traffic school. Oh, you did? I don't know. You taught. Does that mean teaching driving or just rules? Well, technically, more the rules, but the driving part, I know because I've been through a lot of driving school. Well, I would definitely. I would never take a lesson if it was a joke and you scared me. No, no, I would never do that. I would kill you. No, you would freak out. Yeah, no, I don't want that. You would go. You'd go nuts. But also, there's not only me perishing, there's you. Like, unless you have your own. Unless you have a. A car. I feel confident with you. But those guys that teach have cars where they have the actual power. They can. Let me tell you something. I did a car show recently where I got a chick who could not drive a stick shift. Now, they edited it up in a way that was sort of unamusing, but the reality was is I got a chick, an actress chick, who'd never driven a car before, who didn't know how to drive a stick shift. And I put her behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Viper with a six speed and a really tough race clutch. And I taught her to drive through these cones and do a circle and come back and parallel. But she knew how to drive 50 minutes. She knew how to drive an automatic. She knew how to drive an automatic. But operating a stick shift with 600 horsepower vehicle and a stiff clutch is tough. But it's not as hard as going from zero. No, I think it is. I think it's harder because this just. And I used to teach boxing, too. I can teach. I'm a good teacher. You are? Really? I'm a great teacher. Norm, I would like. Like to teach you because I'm looking at this as symbolic, is more than just getting your driver's license. This is symbolic. And by the way, you wouldn't even have to get your driver's license. It would make my son proud. Would he like that? Yeah. Do you see what. You see the symbolism here, right? The symbolism? No, that. The freedom. Yeah, I understand. The symbolism of a car. No, no, no, no, no. Norm, please. Let me. Let me talk here for a second. There's an emotional component to this. I can already see you're Uncomfortable by what you feel like is an intervention. Relax. Just relax. There's not an intervention. I'm pushing as you would a car if it was. Yeah. You know what you're doing? You're doing what people do in a dental chair. What people do in a dental chair when they're getting their teeth cleaned. That's your posture. Now, listen to me. This is an emotional issue. Issue. It's not, can you drive or can't you drive? Everyone knows I could teach you to drive in 20 minutes. That's not the issue. I do know that. This is an emotional issue. Norm, are you willing to trust me? Do you want to take a step, or do you just want to be, you know, bathing in your own urine for the rest of your life? You want to. These are the options. First, step out of that apartment and into and in toward light. Would you like to take that step? Would you like me to help you take that step? Do you have, like, an earpiece? And Dr. Drew is talking through you. That's an ass piece, but, yes, it is Drew's voice. Whatever. Fine. I can hear him better that way. I would agree. It doesn't show. I would agree to do that. I mean, I might. Would you agree to do that? I agree, but I might say no later because it scares me. That's not a baby step. Right now, in your thrall, I feel like I could do it. Norm, you're very persuasive, but please, I believe you. And also, since your life's at stake. I know my life is at stake. But also, it would be the day comedy died if you drove off a cliff with you and I in it, except for all the other funny people that you left behind. Yeah. Until they cast Dana Gould as Death. Yeah. Then we'd be forgotten. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be the day death died. Oh, wait a minute. All right, so listen, Norm, I would like to do this for you, and I know you find it. You see, this is an emotional issue. It's not a practical issue issue. Obviously, I can teach you to drive. I know intellectually, because I see old ladies and young children, like you say, I see every other person. So I go, well, I'm not. Right. Yeah. They have handicapped people drive vans with their teeth. Norm, you don't think you could handle it? Yeah, no, we could. I could teach you drive. Let's do that, Norm. Okay. Let me offer you that freedom. Well, let's. Let's for now say yes. But I don't want to. But we why can't I? But I got to say this. I got to say this. If we do it, it cannot be in any ways a comedy bit. All of a sudden, I can't go. You can't go. Here's Norm. Put on this suit. I'm like, no, wait. And then we're at a racetrack in Ventura and I'm racing against Jill Villeneuve's son. Yes. Jacques. Jacques, F1 driver. Listen, point is this. First off, I would treat you because I've had that before where they've gone, this is my manager. Do you want to be in a celebrity race car event? No, I don't have a license. And they go, the funny thing is they'll never think to ask I. That's what my manager does. You know how I would treat you? I would treat you like a horse that I rescued who'd been abused. That's how I would treat you. Do you know what I mean? Lots. No sudden movements. You'd whack me up. Lots of petting on his shoes. You would whack me out. Just to relieve a little pressure. Nothing gay. Just to take the edge you off. I'd feed you a carrot through my mouth. No, I wouldn't move. I wouldn't light off any fireworks. I wouldn't do any. I. I would be very soothing. Up. I'm going to put the best of Kenya in the CD Player of the Lexus and I'm going to teach you how to drive. Nor McDonald. Would you make me. Would you and your lady be in the back while I pulled you? Yes, that's right around in an open space slay. Yes. I. I'm gonna teach you how to drive, Norm. But again, we'll try. We'll do this. No, no, this. I need a commitment. It's not comedic. I'll do it. It will not be funny. Okay? That's a guarantee from him. I mean, it can be unintentionally funny. No, I don't want to see. Like, I'm in the middle of the drive and all of a sudden I don't want to see John Lovitz with a knife come from the back seat. And I'm like, ah, look over your left shoulder. Start to pull out. Slowly depress the gas pedal. Remove your left foot from the brake. Now check the speedometer. We're up to 35 miles an hour. Good. 10 and 2. Hands on the wheel. All right, there's a red light. Slowly remove your right foot from the pedal and start to apply the brake. When does it become A Bob Newhart bit. I'm the submarine captain. All right, Norm, I'm gonna teach you how to drive. Awesome. Let's do it. Don't give me that bullshit. Let's hypothetically, tentatively agree upon. Let me teach you how to drive, Norm. Okay, I'll do it. You're old enough now. Let me teach you how to drive. Okay. I'm two score and eight. Put your what? Two score and eight. I'm 48, but I like to say two score and eight. I like to say I'm presidential. Right. Let me. Let me teach you how to drive. Why? Did I say potatoes wrong? What? This. This is how stupid I am. You want how stupid I am politically? When? Remember a long time ago, Dan Quayle spelled potato wrong. Everybody ate of it. I thought he spelled it right. That's what I'm saying. Did you. Did you know he spelled it wrong immediately or do you have. I have trouble with that. No, but I'll tell you the words I can spell. Yeah, people have trouble spelling certain words. I can spell courage. I can spell self esteem, and I can spell. And that's what I'm going to write on my car. Emotional marks a lot board. When we get into that, you understand I can spell tailpipe. Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Krola Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to Betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games, events and these combat sports a little more interesting with bet online. Bet online. The game starts here. I saw this on TV. Yeah. Thank you, Norm MacDonald. Norm, what is your. Give us a website. People can find out upcoming dates when you're playing shows, your Twitter account. I have Twitter, I have Norm MacDonald. I think I have a. I think I have a website. What would it be? Well, probably Norm, I guess. Yeah. Norm MacDonald. Norm MacDonald. You can figure out the comedy tour when he's coming to a town either by mule or by hovercraft, but not by car, unless he's in the back seat to a town near you. Norm, I'm gonna teach you how to drive. But More importantly, I'm gonna teach you how to live. I like the self righteous snort. So until next time, this is Adam Crawford for Paul Bryant, Norm MacDonald, Nelson Rose and saying mahalo, I let total strangers anally rate me. All right, this is Adam Crow Show 721 with the late, great Norm MacDonald, legend from the Adam Crow morning show all the way through the podcast. Although his appearances were rare, his career is forever intertwined with Adam. Not just because Adam took over the character of Death on Family Guy after Norm proved to be somewhat unreliable, but they everybody on staff seemed to still love the guy. Adam just kind of won the role because they liked him more and he's more reliable. Too bad Adam never got to do the show where he teaches Norm to drive. That would have been a hit. Great YouTube series idea. All right, coming next we have adam Cole show 981. This one's from 2012. This one's live from Hollywood. We got Dave Damaschek, Brad Williams, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy. Adam Carolla comes clean, now available@angel.com I think the problem with Olympic fencing is the outfits. They dress like X ray technicians with a spaghetti colander on their head. They should be forced to wear the outfits of their country swordsmen from back in the day. Right. France would have a musketeer. Japan would have a samurai. United States, a homeless guy with a machete. He's got a load in his sweatpants. Subscribe to Angel.com Adam to get exclusive access to the full dry bar comedy special. Adam Corolla comes clean. All right, should we do some news? Yes, the news with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison. I want to get a little love. I realized I didn't give Brad a plug or Dave a plug, and then I realized the both. Shit fell on the ground behind me, Sheck. But I got Damek, by the way, his podcast, the Dave Damic football program. You can get it on itunes and the website Dave Damash. All right, who cares about that? The Shecky Awards are coming up, ace. And we want. Oh, really? Special appearance by one Adam Carolla, a man who knows his way around a piece of fruit. Breakfast meat. We're not playing gay anymore. Right away. Code. Yeah, yeah, I'd love to be a part of that. As long as you come to my house and do it while I'm asleep. Brad Williams podcast about last night on it and funny Brad is the Twitter and The website is bradwilliamscomedy.com all right, shall we do a little news? Allison Rose. Yes. Travel and leisure has ranked the most attractive cities in the country and I have the top 10. And I think some of them will surprise you, but number 10 won't. Minneapolis, St. Paul. Yeah. It's surprisingly kind of a rocking town. No, in terms of going on the look. The looks of the people. The people. Yeah. Yeah. They're all Scandinavian. They're all blonde. Yeah, they're beautiful. Number nine, Honolulu. Oh, really? Yeah. Now, are they talking locals or the people that have moved there? Because they say Hawaiian regulars. Because when you got. Because when you factor in the Samoans, those are a lot of calves. Like, you thought you had big calves, right? Like. No, I. I once had a blind date with a Samoan middle. She was 5 foot 8. They some big folk. Your calves aren't supposed to rub when you walk. Yeah. Is there a website by the way? That sort of thing? Like there's j. Dates. Oh yeah. Jewish people. Is there a website? There is, actually. Is that right? Yeah, it's called And I you not. It's called date a little dot com. Daylittle dot com. Come. Is it now, in the African American community, it's frowned upon to be with a white woman. Sure. Same thing. Oh yeah. So to be with a regular is not. Oh, we call them reachers. Oh really? We call them reachers? Yeah. Yeah, they get stuff for us. You guys are the reachers. Interesting. You work for us. Wow. Which. Which really confused the hell out of us with this new Tom Cruise movie coming out. The Jack Reed Reacher. Because Tom Cruise, not a large man, not a reacher. Right. You know, he. He. He's asking for help himself. So we're very confused by that. What's it like? I'm sorry, I don't want to add you, but. So hold on a second. If you're a black and you're. You get a parade. Blonde chick, five eleven, Uma thermic. Are. You're. Pardon the pun, but you will be blackballed from the black community. Right. Williams will have no time for you. Is it weird? What is your relationship? I don't mean to. I don't mean to fire away condescend or anything, but what is the. Because my. My little daughter saw. She. You know, she saw a. A while ago and. And really was. Was in awe of it. Not sure you know, what is the Relationship like what? She was in awe of it. Yeah. She wanted to feed it experience. Yes. Okay, now was it on a leash or was it just. Did it have to go the bathroom? Where was he surprisingly allowed to run free? Wow. The owner nearby because they have rules like at the beach. Absolutely. Now, now, now, now. Did you see it after midnight? Because you're not supposed to feed us after midnight. Yeah, I don't know if you knew that. It's like us Gremlin. Same. Don't get them wet. Is it we weird. Is it a strange experience with. Do you get you. I mean the. Just, just with the kids or the parents? 3 or 4 hours ago I was in a diner and. And a, A black woman with a big afro walked by our table and my little girl, my five year old girl said she looks just like Miles. A kid in her class. Right. Who's an African American kid. You know, can't, don't. Don't say that. You know, it's, it's embarrassing. So, so that's sort of those sorts of lovers aunt by the way. Who are you talking about right now? Sure, but I mean. Sure, but with us it's like, it's like fictional characters. It's like he looks like the guy that hangs out with Frodo. Right. How often is that the way it is? I could see a 4 year old kid that. My little girl, I could see her being like, are you a boy? I don't know what you know. Most of the time it's that or it's oh. Or if they're a little older, they think I'm we man from Jackass. Which I mean if you're gonna be mistaken for a celebrity, a guy that for his living gets kicked in the balls and tossing the shopping carts isn't the best person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because like if someone thinks you're Tommy Lee, they whip out their tits, someone thinks they're your wee man, they drop kick you. Right, Good point. Not good. Not good. But yeah, there's always interesting. I have a more interesting or probing question. Okay, okay. But, but seriously we're. Now we've constructed this society where we have to have like one of all of us everywhere. You know, it's fucked up. Like I just want the smartest people running the city and running the government, whoever the smartest is. But we need a semi retarded guy who's failed the bar four times running Los Angeles because he looks like us or he's one of us. Yeah. Tony Velar. Like we just Go, hey, I know this guy's fucking retarded, but he looks like us. So we'll let him run our city into the ground. And then every once in a while they do this thing. By the way, Asians magically don't have this problem, but everyone else does, you know, like, we are not being represented by this group of people. Like, these people just make laws. Just let them fucking figure their shit out. Like, what do you mean represent you? But there's a lot of that. And now it's on. You need a woman because she's gonna represent you as a woman and you need a Latino and they're, you know, African American. They're represent. He's a gay man. He's gonna represent the chugging union and all that kind of stuff. Where's the little people come in here, like, where is your representative? What percentage DeVito can't do it all. That's right. He's only half a man. Thank you. What? But, but I mean, like, where. What percentage are you guys compared to like Asians or Jews or, you know, well, whatever else are. Little light on the. We're one in every 353,000 births. So. Yeah, it's. We're not, there's not a lot of us. But I don't really get that upset. Like if I go to a hospital and there's not one, you know, dwarf doctor. I'm not like, where's your dwarf doctor? Right, yeah, that's my point. Like, I don't want to. Yeah, I require a dwarf doctor. Listen, I don't want a guy performing surgery on me if he has to get a running start up a step stool to get to me. Right. You know, I'm, I'm good, I'm good. I'll take the average. If he has to buy something from the Sky Mall in order to operate on you, sure. Has to buy something that's carpeted from the Sky Mall to operate on you. You don't want that. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Let the big people do the thinking. I agree. That's fine. Let's keep going. Keep going with the news. So Miami is number one. Okay, moving on. Oh, Miami's number one. LA is two. And the good looking in the good looking people department. All right, so now going the other way, Miami's number one. San Diego was number two. Yeah. Anywhere it's. Listen, where, where it's. It's same with colleges, you know what I mean? Like wherever it's hot and you have to wear the least. Then you're gonna look the best. And conversely, it's cold. My only experience in Florida is not in Miami, and it's just been exclusively old people and it wasn't attractive. Right. Well, the problem with old people is someone needs to tell them, I don't care how hot it is. Put the dolphin shorts away, Grandpa. Yeah. Fucking weird tan wrinkles. Your wrinkly ball is dangling. Yeah. Charles. Sorry. San Juan, Puerto Rico, number three. I'll buy that. Yeah. Charleston, number four. Birmingham, Alabama, number five. Oh, no. Okay. We are number five for attractive people. And then Nashville, number six. Austin, number seven. Do you. Where. Where do you guys stand on Austin? I don't know. All I do, everyone tells me how cool it is, and it takes to me if they're. They're basically what cities are to states and countries. They're what Radiohead is to music. I don't have Radiohead records or albums. I don't listen to Radiohead. But when people bring up Radiohead. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. That's a good band. That's a good band. Yeah. Austin's awesome. Oh, yeah, yeah. Beautiful. That's awesome. Yeah. We're out in Austin. Austin. You've been in Austin? Gosh, it's great. Yeah. No, no, it's great. So I do say, you ever seen Radiohead in Austin? It's awesome. Concert. That's one of the greatest convergence of two things I don't know about. But, yeah, no one ever goes, like, hey, into Radiohead. No, not at all. Dick. They suck. Right? And no one ever does that about Austin. Like, everybody goes, yeah, yeah, I've been there one time. Worst day of my life. Everyone just goes, no, no, I hear it's great. You're right. You're right. Because that's my attitude, too. I've been to Austin like, a million times, a long time ago. And every time I would go, people who were also from LA or New York would be like, you know, I'm gonna. When I earn a bunch of money, I'm just gonna move here. I'm ready to go. Yeah. And my reaction is always like, it must be great. It doesn't. I don't get it, but it's me. No, you know what I think it is? I think what they do in Austin is they have guys at the airport and they do the same thing like the pedophile priests do, where they're like, listen, you don't tell anybody. I just remember, I'll fucking kill your whole family if you don't tell them. That Austin is the greatest place in the world. You understand? And then you get on the plane, you land in la. How was Austin? It was great. It was fucking great. God wants you to like Austin. They didn't finger me once. Why? Who's asking? Fucking awesome. Raise your family there. Why not? Wanna hear some Radiohead? So I got a phone full of Radiohead, that's a tripod full of radio. So researchers are hoping to uncover who is truly behind the Mona Lisa. And the way they're going to do this is they have excavated the remains of the woman believed to have been like the one who sat for the portrait. And they have skull fragments and they're going to like, try to reconstruct the face, which they believe they can do with the end. Like, we can reconstruct the face with a margin of error of 2 to 8%. I'd like to enter this room of scientists and go, this is awesome research and work you guys are all doing here with your 150 PhDs in your 2000 years of college. We have a little something called cancer. Claimed my grandmother two years ago. I'll tell you what, let's work in order. Let's work big to small here in terms of science, cancer. Let's. Let's focus on the thing that's fucking eating us alive and killing every loved one we know. And then when we're all out of cancer and we got a lot of downtime and we're bored, we go ahead and zoom this cunt and go ahead and get a DNA swatch off her cheekbones. How about that? Yeah. And so what? We find out her name was fucking Bernice Johnson. Big fucking whoop, right? And she had no eyelashes or eyebrows. And. And I'm so. I'm sure that our. Our large art historian listenership will be upset with this, but I'm not staying awake at night needing to know the answer to this one. Let me ask this. Oh, she was so. She was a timeless beauty. Show of hands. How many guys have ever beaten off the Mona Lisa? You know, I don't think so. Got a lot of hands. That thing with. You always hear that too. That's the cliche is she was Renaissance. They remake Red Dawn. You know, they say, why. Why would you repaint the Mona Lisa? That is the worst reference. Look at her. Shitty. She's no, she's like a six. I know, but. But let's in Glendale look like that. Renaissance hot. There are half dozen broads in here now that are way better than her. That's her. That's it easily. It's supposed to be. No, it's more. I'd say there's like six broads in here. It's supposed to be a portrait. Well, according to the latest that I read, which I did, I've only started hearing this recently, but that's like. It's supposed to have captured someone who's very depressed. Oh, really? Well, she's depressing me. And this is one of these things where. But it was like a different era. It's like, hey, Bob cousy. He'd give LeBron James a run for his money. No, he wouldn't. He'd be jammed on non stop. He'd just be dunked. He'd be posterized. LeBron James on Bill Russell. Yeah, right, right, right. Dunk on Bill Russell. If she could talk, I feel like she'd be like, are you about done yet? Yeah, I don't want this. I don't want any Jurassic park for the Mona Lisa where they get her and they get some DNA together and then I'll shape her up with a virus. Lovemaking. Yeah, yeah. Find out the vigorous lover. You're that charitable that you would. For all you. I got a little challenge for all the scientists around here doing a bunch of. Who's a bunch of. With we don't care about. Find fucking Amelia Earhart's plane first with you, and then we'll talk. You know what I mean? That plane, it was a decent sized plane. It's metallic. It's in the fucking ocean somewhere. Go fucking find her plane and then we can work on this shit. I feel like it's been way too long for that. Here, here. I missed that lesbian dearly. Go ahead. Speaking of vigorous and divigorous lovemaking, there's an article here about that always cracks me up. Hold on a second. Do we have the picture of Amelia Earhart heart? We must have the picture of her somewhere at the. There's. There. There's a statue of her there. Evidently she's from North Hollywood. I'm from North Hollywood. I'm from North Hollywood. And she. She's from North Hollywood or something. But there's a thing. But she. She's at the Burbank airport. And you know how stupid everyone is now. Like everyone under 30s just now. We don't know anything about history or anything. How many people. How many people go through the. Like, you know, everyone's just a Kardashian now. We're all just complete idiots and assholes. How many people go through the Burbank Airport and go, listen, I got to pick you up. You're on a Southwest flight. Where do you want to meet up? I'll meet you by that dude that's leaning against the paddle. Yeah. I think it's James Dean. Yeah. And by the way, as I'm getting onto the airplane. I'm not a superstitious guy, but as I'm getting onto the airplane. Airplane. Seeing a statue of the woman who was never seen again. Right. Leaning against a piece of her plane that broke off upon impact. Not filled with confidence at this point. If you're looking to build me up before I get on a flight, this ain't it. I really don't like the bronze Hindenburg they put in either. Yeah. What about those three astronauts that burnt up on the launching pad in the Apollo mission? Want to get a shot of them in there, too? Christian McAuliffe, terminal. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll take. Take the metal detector. We'll shape them like the Twin Towers. How about that? How about that? Thank you. Sure. Too soon. Too soon. So, vigorous lovemaking. There's an. With a thumbs up. Yeah, Muhammad. Thumbs up. Yeah. There's an article here about the rise of the industry of, like, sex gurus. Sex coaches. You mentioned the sessions, which I believe. Sex what? Sex coaches. Oh, they're sex coaches. Yeah. What they will do is they'll take your money and then they. That's the first part. Right. And then they'll sit in the corner while you have sex and they'll give you pointers. Oh, really? Yeah. Hands on. Well, I mean, actually, I don't know if they actually have hands on, but. Wow. Yeah. And the people in the article who were interviewed say that it. Like, they've never had orgasms this good, even while the dude was sitting in the room. And, like, it totally helped them. And that they teach abstinence in schools, but they don't teach actual sex skills. Skills. So my question to you is, would you ever do this? And if someone. If someone were a coach watching you, what would they be saying? It's just a waste of my time. Where was that line at career day at high school? Yeah, yeah. They had, like, lawyer, doctors, garbage, whatever. The. Where was. Guy who gets to watch people fuck. I'm a pervert. I thought the only option for me was gym teacher. Sure. I like to see the guy wearing the tight bike shorts with the double snap in front and the clipboard tucked in back. All right. Helmet's not a chair, gentlemen. Grab a knee. Let's go. Spray it down. Break it Down. Bring it down. Get a ball in. Get a sack in. Let's go. All right, first off, two days. So let's work on that refractory period. Last easy day was yesterday. Gotta stay hydrated. Yeah, Stay hydrated. They have that weird fan on the side next to your bed that shot the water out of it. Some Gatorade. He blows the whistle every 10 minutes. He goes a different station. Uhhuh. You'd have the quarterband. You have that wristband around your. When he talked to you, he'd put the folder in front of his mouth. You know what I mean? Lean over, know what's coming. Yeah. You'd have the guy, in case you, like, pull the calf muscle. The guy was going to your wife after you're done, would have the clipboard and the headset on, baseball cap, like, standing there, pacing, looking to get a shot. Looking to get a shot in him. Play. Eventually, the audience would start chanting his name in there. You'd be swinging two dicks around. Yeah, that's right. You have one bad night, like a premature ejaculation or something. Next to you, another crowd is chanting that guy's name. Get him in. You start to pull up lame. He takes his hat off and warms up. Yeah. Oh, they start going nuts. Get T Bone in there. Get him in there. Yeah. First of all, I can think of no better person to do this gig than you. I would love the idea of you perched up on a stool watching. Well, like a gargle oil. Yeah. Also, by the way, I don't think people would think that I was a sex coach, though. The like. Like, the woman would walk in and go, oh, love the new decoration you have on the wall. A few things, like, I'd have to correct. I'd have to go through, like, I have my clipboard, and I'll be like, all right, first things first, Dave, during the film session, no beating off this time. It's disrespectful to your partner, number one. I know. And by the way, like, how I feel like that guy would be going for his junk, number one. Number two, though, let's be honest. Like, let's just. Let's. Let's just be honest for a second. I drive like an asshole, but when there's a cop behind me, I drive like the greatest citizen on the planet. You're right. If there was a sex coach in the room, I'd start off with, like, two hours eating pussy and a lot. Lot of. Lot of. Lot of penny for your thoughts and all that kind of stuff. It'd be a far cry from my second while I watch espn. I mean, I, I would, I would change and modify my game. You know what I'm saying? So absolutely you could have a stuffed sex coach and it would help my game. Just the idea that you just took a mannequin and put a clipboard and a whistle around their neck. I would step my game up. You know, I think we all could be better lovers if we ever put 10 minutes into it. Right. You come in with a cast iron skillet in paella. You're like part of my foreplay. That's right. Just exactly how grim does it have to get between the sheets for you to bring in some random guy to audit and give notes? You say, brad, I wish. Where was the line for this in college? This is a joke amongst chums, Right? Right. Like, I'm going to put an ad in the paper and see if anyone's dumb enough to pay me to do this. Right. And there are people actually taking you up on that. Right. Amazing. Right? On the other hand, how fast would your attitude change if it was a hot chick sex coach? We never thought about that. We're picturing just fat guys beating off. Picturing like Helga. I'm picturing like Dr. Ruth in the corner. Like, oh, that is not a good move for you to do the G. Like, that's not. Yeah, that's not good. But I think most guys might sign off on stripper or something, right? Yeah, yeah. But with the idea that they'll then be able to get with her or just because they think she'll be impressed. Like, what's the. What would be the thinking? Well, for me, it's. It's just, you know, I don't. If you're going to stare at the back of my balls, I would prefer you have. Have tits. I don't want. Yeah. If you have balls, I don't want you exposed to the back of my balls. But that's me. That's the way I roll. I'm old fashioned. It's like my grandfather once said, son, impress her. I like the idea of doing it to impress her. Huh? Huh? You see what I'm doing? This could be done to you. Yeah. I feel like there'd be a lot of, like, there'd be like a lot of like pre discussions you'd be having with this sex coach. Like, you know, first off. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you. You don't deduct points for a hairy ass. Right. I mean, this is just as God made me. Secondly, I know, you know, listen, I'm. I'm not much in the girth or length. I'm just saying. I'm just basically telling in advance what to be, you know, basically prepared. I'm trying to soften the blow. Is, is. Is what I'm. What I'm saying. And by the way, if you want some light reading material, I got time and News Week downstairs. You know, just pick that up, help yourself. Joe Fresca. Like just really settle in. Yeah, make that. I feel like it would actually create fights in the couple that presumably are already sort of. Things are sort of rocky because I'd be like, you're change. Like now you're showering, now you're doing this. Now you're, you know. Yeah, right. Well, there's nothing better than real sex. I mean, to this day, that is the creepiest thing for the show. You mean sex? The idea of a sex coach. You know those ones where they sort of take out into a field, you know, they take outdoors for, you guys know, real sex. The, the TV show. It's everybody on that. All the young people. Young people don't know it's still on. Oh no, it's season 14, but it feels like 129. And I always say, here's the thing, because it sucks me in, pardon the pun. Every, every time. Because, because you're sc. Here's the deal. You're scanning, you know, you're just channel surfing and you see something that says sex and you, you get sucked in. If I see something that says sex or tractor on it, I get pulled in like a 9 year old with sex tractor. Sex tractor, that's a good band name. I get pulled in. I go see sex track at the Troubadour. Every saw them in Austin. Every single. They're opening for vigorous lover at man to figure. And you. You find influenced by radio. Get it? And it's oh, there, there's some guy and he's being hung up by fish hooks and he's into latex and he's got a glory. Right. It's real people like unattractive. But it's with we're German fat swingers or into latex. There's always something involving latex. Oral people. Yeah. Now, by the way, you cannot convince me that this show is not produced by gay people. Because a straight dude would immediately be like, listen, we got to get some titties in here. We got to get some hot chicks in here. We're not going back to Strudeldorf. To talk to the assholes in their latex again. I've had enough of that. When. And by the way, I know you're. You're 78 and you're still a sensual woman even though you're heavy set and missing a leg to diabetes. No, no, no, no. We're turning this fucking ship around. Like if there was a straight guy of all I know it's all just chicks and gay dudes who run that show. There's no way. But here's all I'm saying because you guys have. Have eaten up a fair portion of my life. You to produce this horrible abortion of a show. I want little ratings by shows that says you can't beat off to it. Like it's just a. With a slash to it. You know what I mean? Like the NC13 or whatever. No beating off the cock to like. And I'm like. Because once in a while you'll see something. It'll be called like sensual liaison or something. Oh, what is this here? And it's a travel show. You know what I mean? You go, oh, this is nothing. Oh I thought for sure. Would it be like two no cocks and then like half a hand? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just dream owners give me a little fucking heads up. I don't see that real sex. I always get sucked in and it's right to Strudeldorf for the fat curvace. I remember seeing it and it was a woman riding, riding a sibian machine. Yeah. Which is like they're never attractive. That's, that's. No, that's the whole thing. It's not just that. It's not. It doesn't give you a boner. It's the exact opposite. Listen kids, I remember growing up and my old man really would spin those yarns about. Well, you know, when I was growing up, we didn't have tv, we only had radio. That's how we got our entertainment when I was a little kid. Listen now you go on your. On the online and you, you beat the bejesus out of yourself to countless websites with bugs, bucks and women. In our day, when we, you know, when we were teenage, when I was your age, television was called books. That's right. Now listen. We would. All you had was dream on on HBO starring Brian Ben Ben half hour sitcom that wasn't funny funny. And the only thing you would watch it for was that there would be about 27 seconds of bosoms and there would be a comical sex scene with this actor Brian Ben Ben. And, and the, the woman of the week. Let's face it, no one would know Benny Hill's name if there wasn't a booby and a half. And this episode True on channel 13 at 12. But then Ben, Ben show gives away to real sex. And then you think, oh, I'm. Oh, I'm 13 and they're gonna have people having sex. The confusion it causes in your brain. It caused. In my brain it was 42 year old women, right? It's. It's a 47 year old heavyset women learning how to have an orgasm with strangers rubbing her. And the noises that came out of these women like talking about their entitlement to their orgasm. Oh. Like. Well, sounds like that's it. I don't need to see a nude woman for at least 20 years. That's what I'm saying. The, with the hand and the slash through it would say off of it, right? Say it was a lot of ache. A lot of ache. Like that eagle song. All right, I. But you, you want to. You're talking about Slim Pickens kids. Like I watch the entire I Claudius series on PBS, you know. And by the way, I'm 13. I'm not interested in seeing how the. The Grecian, the Grecian formula, I must say. The Grecian culture. But it was like PBS and it was like a 19 part miniseries. But there was two boobies. You could see like a. Two boobies in there. So you just have to watch the entire thing and just sit there watching all the period just so you can see half a side booby like popping through a tunic or something like that. It's insane what we would go through. And that's the. Yeah. And that's become really good at jerking off because you would only have that tit for like two and a half seconds. I'll tell you. I'll tell you a absolutely true story. The most insane thing ever. We, you know, no computers, no any. We had Playboy, you know, and there was this. My friend, my friend Tom had like on TV or cable, the Z Channel or cable. We didn't, the poor valley people, we didn't have any cable anything, but this guy had cable. And they were going to play some hot Russ Myers movie or some like titty movie or some like Flesh Gordon or something like that. They take all these fairy tale movies and put titties in them and they'd run it at like, you know, 10 o'clock at night on one of his cable. And my friend, he said, hey listen, Flesh Gordon is playing at 10 o'clock on Friday night, we're going up to Tom's house. We're gonna watch this thing. It's gonna be awesome. I said, all right. I said, by the way, that's birthday weekend for me. So I'll be enjoying that and ushering in my 18th year. All right. Spending time. So I'm looking forward to three weeks in advance. I'm looking forward to seeing this C booby movie, like from the 70s with like a $19 budget on it just to see a little side boob. And he says, yeah, come up. Come up at 9:00 and then we'll have a beer and then we'll watch it. I Show up at 9:00. Where are we going? He said, come into the backyard. Tom lives in a big house up in the hills of Laurelwood. I walk into the backyard. It's like the movie Weird Science. 200 people, hey, it's a surprise party for me. There's 200 people there of 18th birthdays. 200 people. I went to high school, had no pants. 200 people. I. I turned to my buddy, I was like, but we're still seeing flesh Gourd, right? He's like, no, no, that was just a ruse. We got you up to the house. You're having a huge party for you. I was like, no flesh going like, no. I was like, this is. Man. I was pissed off. I was like, calm down with the party and the merriment here. I was pulled up here under false pre. Pretense. But I gotta go talk to my sack and balls now and get them off the ledge because they're devastated by this. That's how. That's how thin. That's how slim the pickings were. And the porn. That's how desperate we all were. Paws on the tv. You couldn't just pause. You had to time it out exactly 27 seconds of boo. Oh, you get. Oh, you didn't get it just right. You get an Instamatic camera and try to take a picture of the booby and just see a reflection of you with your pants down. The flashbulb went off. All right. Stamps dot com. I gotta get a little. Love to stamps dot com. Yes. Print official US Postage from your own computer. Enough of this breaking into your neighbor's house to get postage. You do it from your own computer now, and you do it from your own printer. It's insane what they were doing before with the guy down the street. Yeah, that's insane. You get 110. $110 bonus. You get a little digital scale. You plug it right into your computer. You put your parcel on there or whatever you like. You weigh it, then you print out the exact amount. No more of that extra three stamps that I always do. You know, when you're sending a CD to somebody or something, you're like, is this two stamps? Is this five it. I'm putting 21 stamps on here. I don't want. I don't want this back. Two rolls. No, no. Oh, by the way, you get the free. You get 55 bucks free postage. I feel. I feel like that would take me to the grave. 55 bucks. I don't know how much more sending I do these days. 55 bucks free, plus the scale. Only if you enter Adam. So go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Adam. All right, Allison Rosen, one last story. Let's bring it home. All right. In the Netherlands, starting in mid-2013, the highways will glow in the dark. And they have, like, special glow in the dark paint that is responsive to the weather. So when it's, you know, below a certain degrees, these big snowflakes on the road will glow smarter than we are. I know. Kidding. Well, except that I feel like if that were me, I'd be like, ooh, pretty. Right. When the snow. When the. I think it'll be Christmassy. Right, Right. But so the highway is going to be illuminated. Yeah. How many teens are gonna, like, pop E and then, like, get behind their car colors? Yeah. Where's my pacifier? My Vicks Vapor Rub? Let's roll. Yeah. Yeah. It's smart, though. I mean, I guess this. What did I read this glow in the dark paint is used. Well, it says this technology has been around for years on things like baby food. I knew him with baby. That was my reaction. Right. I am unaware of glow in the dark paint being used on baby food. When are we sound unsafe, but can we go ahead and up the speed limit from 55 and 65 to what cars now can safely travel with the technology we have? Like, why does it fucking take us so long to get to Vegas? And here's the deal. Here's what I would say. Look, you pricks, since I was in high school have been talking about the bullet train that was going to go from LA to Vegas. Vegas. It's. Now we're on year number 30 of you fucking do nothings talking about this bullet train. Fine. You've not held up your end of the bargain. You've not built a bullet train. I have a bullet car. It's called a fucking Audi. It has anti lock brakes on it, it has every bit of speed sensing technology. It is twice as safe as any car that was built 10 or 20 years before it. How about instead, instead of you building this imaginary fucking bullet train that's never going to happen, how about you just let me Drive at 90 miles an hour so I can get to fucking Vegas, huh? How about that? Two hours. Yeah, get there in two hours and we all know you can do it. Here's how you know it's safe. Here's because cars are so good today. You do that thing where you're driving to Vegas. You're like heading down the hill or whatever and you're like, you look at this person you're driving, you're going 94 miles an hour right now. We're listening to the Best of Steely Dan and I'm complaining about dwarves and midgets. That's the whole point. I mean, that's it, you know, you do 90 miles an hour by mistake. It's not like, oh, the shit. There's shim. Nothing. Shimmering, shimming. And there's no wind whistling through bugs in your teeth. There's nothing. Yes. So listen, we have failed miserably. We have zero bullet trains. Japan's going to be laughing their asses off at us like so. When you guys were done beating the crap out of us In World War II, we immediately got to work on the bullet train and you guys did nothing. And we have no bullet trains. Fine. We have bullet cars. Let us fucking drive them now. God damn it. We get to Vegas in two and a half hours. Like, seriously, you could. You could spend four hours getting to Vegas by just driving 55 or 65 or where's posted ace? Or you could safely get there in two and a half. All right, I know, but listen, that's true. All valid. But I've driven from Vegas to LA with you. It took 22 minutes. What? I mean, how much faster could it possibly be for you? You drive, but I drive like an asshole. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. I have a radar detector on the, on the windshield and I drive. It's unsafe because I don't look forward. I look in the rear view the entire time. I drive looking in the rear view mirror the entire time. I don't even care what's in front of me. All I'm doing is looking for chicken shit cops. And I'm staring at the, at the radar detector. All the fucking way down there. I should not as a law abiding, not when I'm driving, but as a tax paying citizen of this country. I should not be scared of the cops. I'm going to Vegas. I'm going to work. I'm going to drop off some more money in the coffers of the tax man and let me please get there and get back without a chicken shit ticket. Thank you very much. All right. Bring it home. That's the news. I'm Alice Rosen. Zip it, cunts. That was the news with Alison. Wow. Where did the time. Oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento right in the house keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have, well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those bab out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well. Get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friends, the professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts. One stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online. You can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam all right. I want to thank Brad Williams for coming out here. Look at Brad. Thank you. Brad's like a man. I was just gonna come over to the Improv over here and get one of those miniature airplane bottles of Stoli. Sure. That me up too and have a, have a half a pot sticker and just call it a night. Sure. And next thing you know, he's dragged up on stage to make the merge podcast. About last night on itunes. The name of the podcast, he. You can twitter him unnybrad and of course the website bradwilliamscomedy.com the great Dave D'Amshek, everybody. The Dave Danishek football program. You can get it on iTunes. Davedamashek.NFL.com and you can Twitter him amishek. So until next time, Zadon Crowley for Brad Williams, Dave Dmeshek, Allison Rosen and Paul Bryant saying mahalo. All right, this is Adam Kollo Show 981. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 1230. This is from 2013. It's another live show. This one's featuring deaf frat guy Lena Esco, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Check it out. Oh, man, it was some of the funniest ever. And I've been doing comedy for a long time. That was like the mo. That was. Was the most fresh and like. Yeah, it was like the Haley comet of comedy too. It'll never come back around again. Not in our lifetime. I know. I want to just drop the mic and walk off the stage. You should retire. Sad that you hear that. Oh, pearls, pearls. The in front of me was filming her child, but like this the entire time with the camera above. Above that. Both hands, by the way, not the one. So I watched the entire. That's her. My wife, by the way. My wife has to get suspicious when I go, give me the camera. Give me the camera. And she's like, since when do you take pictures of our children at functions? And I'm like, when I have a chick with huge hair, hair in long sleeves. I took this picture. This is where I sat. I spent the entire time, I watched the whole show on her monitor. I watched my kids. It's like you have a personal TV Christmas pageant. Yeah, that's what everyone wants is a inch and 3, 8 by 2 and 58 monitor to watch their kids Christmas page. So I actually she was sat in front of me holding her arm. Arms, both arms. By the way, I do believe you can operate a seven ounce camera with only one arm these days. Yes. Dfg. It's bush link. No, it's totally bushley. It's jv. She will never walk that video. She like, she live. She was 110 pounds, but she. She puffed up like a porcupine. Like she was like, how can I get my hair as big as possible? I will not wear something with long, poofy, billowy sleeves. And then I will hold my hands Up. I sat behind her and just stared at the back of her head and her arms up. And she would lean in like as I was trying to look. And then. So my, my son and my daughter is somewhere in that group also. There's a couple things. Then the woman who was conducting the whole, you know, Christmas music pageant was, was exactly in front of me and my daughter. So it's like I sat here. My sight line was of a 52 year old woman with huge hair and gray streaks and her back while my daughter was just. There was nothing. I could not see. My daughter behind her. You were getting cock blocked. I was being cockblocked by the chick who was doing. And my son I could see just fine except for he wasn't doing shit. He's like, he's a conscientious objector. He's like one of those. He should just. He'd be perfect to like occupy Wall Street. Like he's just going to sit down, have a bonglo sit in. He's just sitting in. He just, he just while all. It's so weird too because you know, these kids are all coached up and they're holding this parachute and they're walking in a circle and the five kids arm is swinging up and down, up and down. And then here comes my guy. He's just shuffling along, looking at the ground. Humiliated. Just a waste of my time. Just perturbed. Perturbed. He, he was really. He was moving like you move to the bathroom in the middle of the night. When you're up, just. I hope I don't step on. He was imitating his dad. Yeah. Should I try to make myself throw up? I don't think I'm good. I think I'm good. I'm just gonna piss. I get a few Advil in me, I'll be cool. Like he's just fucking. He was just pouting in a circle. My daughter was animated, but I couldn't find her because I had Ansel Adams in front of me with the fucking video rig over her head. That was the entire time. And so I just sat there and I leaned back and then I did. And this is what I always do. I always bring a buck slip and a pen because I know I'm gonna get bored. So I'm the dad just writing down complaints and I wrote down a couple things. First off, do you think the other parents are watching you thinking, wow, he's taking his kids performance seriously. He's taking notes, he's gonna give him feedback afterwards. First off, there's always this kid. The kids are instructed. And it's not once, it's 128 times. Black pants, white shirt. That is the dress code for this Christmas assembly. Anyone up on the bleachers or then who gets up on stage will be wearing a white shirt and black pants. And then there's the one kid wearing the green checkered long sleeve lumberjack flannel. And I thought, that guy, I want to party with his parents. Because there were a thousand times it was said to them, white shirt, black pants. And they went, fuck it. He's wearing. I'm going to dress him like a lesbian trucker. Up on that stage. One kid wearing the red, green checkered shirt. Everyone else was wearing the white and the black also. You also realize when you watch those shows that I was trying to watch my daughter Natalia, who was animated and into it, but I couldn't see behind the music conductor who was blocking me the whole time. And then I realized I can't be the only parent being blocked by the middle aged chick who's conducting with the music. And then I thought, you know what? These, these conductors and anybody at any of these assemblies who, when you're trying to get an eye on your kid, they need to basically be like referees at a UFC fight. If you ever see these guys are constantly doing this. They're like in a half squat. They're out of the camera eye, they're moving around. They're never blocking anything. They're burning calories. They're burning calories. She needed to be up on the balls of her feet, moving right to left, head on a swivel. The other thing I saw up there was the bad ratio. I noticed. I realized when the 125 kids filed in, I was really only there to see one of them, which is my daughter. My son doesn't give a shit. He's mailing it in, by the way. Can't you, you can't you tap out of those things? I mean, back to the UFC thing. Like, my son has no interest in being up on stage and doing, you know, deck, forced labor. Yeah. Like he's up there. Someone yells at him to be cute for 46 minutes and he wants no goddamn part of it. So he just. I can see him lip syncing the entire thing. The entire thing. He could be mailed in the entire performance. I went to, to one of his dance recitals. He stared. His feet. Yes. Dfg. He's a kid, not a puppet. That's right. That's right. I wish you were There with me this morning. That shit, bro. Yeah, no, I understand. Dfg. You have a All balls or JV list there. Like a Christmas edition. It's a special Christmas edition. Yeah, right. This is the thing where all balls is good. Right? JV bad. Like that. That thing where the kids was singing. Jv. Right, right. That's jv. All balls is good. JV is bad. I'm gonna do a rapid beat round with you. Okay. And the other guy can, if you want to chime in. Whatever. It. It's all good, bro. Right. Okay, let's start off with eggnog mangria. Eggnog mangria. I gotta say, that's all balls. Hell yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Mistletoe tattoo above the ass crack on a dude or. I didn't think either. Yeah, dude. Dude, too. So then what if my boyfriend and I find ourselves under that guy butt? No, get matching ones. Go to Cabo and get matching ones. All right. I'm gonna say that's all balls as well. Hell, yeah. That's correct. What about when those dads dress up as Santa Claus? Who does? Fathers. Fathers. Dads. Dads. Dads. Right. When they get dressed up as Santa Claus and they want to deprive the family, but. But then they get stuck in the chimney and two weeks later they know. They know by the smell, right? All right. Yeah, I know. That was a great Gremlins, the movie. Right? That happened. I think that was a documentary. It was weird because it was a really funny movie up until that point. Yeah. Yeah, it was a weird scene. Yeah, that's. That's JV. That's JV. That'S JV, dude. Lots. Phoebe Cates. Phoebe Cates is all balls. Hell, yeah. Yeah. These are layups. Yeah. What about fake Christmas trees, bro? Fake Christmas trees. All right. I don't like fake Christmas trees because I feel like, you know, first off, Okay, I come. I was looking at pictures this morning of. Of the rubber tree my grandmother used to decorate every year for Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like a rubber tree in the middle of North Hollywood. It was a potted plant inside of her house. It was a rubber tree. It's not even close to a Christmas tree. Was it seasonal for Christmas or was it a tree that happened to be there all year and she decorated. Was a potted rubber tree that was there year round and they hung. This is. It's a little hard to see. That's my sister and that's me crawling around on the ground hoping that I'm snatched up. Oh, that's not a Christmas tree. No, I know, it's a rubber tree. I was hoping to just be snatched up by a friendly vulture and taken to a better family. Yes. If you look closely, you can see golden Christmas balls. One of them is in danger. Danger of taking the tree down, which is in. In front. That was one year. Oh, that was every year. My grandmother's house. And then the next year was back at my house, was my mom cutting down the branch from a tree in our front yard and leaning it against the wall. Very one dimensional. Is that a step up or a step down? And on the one hand it's smaller, the other hand it's real. I'm going to go with lateral move to hell. Like if you were standing in lava and you went, I'm just going to move, you know, nine inches to the right. That's basically what the branch leaning against the wall was, by the way. The more depressing than no tree, right? The branch cut down and put there. So it's like, would you rather be in a prison cell with no window or a tiny one at the top, right? And everyone does this thing all time. They go, oh, the Christmas tree, you got to get it. You got to schlep at home. And then the thing, two weeks later, all the pine needles fall off. And then. Yeah, that's the point. It's trouble. That's what sets us apart from the terrorists, everybody. We spend a bunch of money doing a bunch of. That makes no sense. That's why we're into pumpkin chunking and that's why we're into fake titties. And that's why we're. Well, that makes sense. But the point is we do shit that costs a lot of money, takes a lot of effort and then goes away because we can. You know what I'm saying? That's the whole point. Hell yeah. It's supposed to be a hassle. It smells good, it's fun. We went to the ymca, we bought a tree. We took the kids out the other night, they picked out the tree, we got the tree. Yes, it's expensive. Of. Yes, it's a waste of time and money. And that's the way we like it. It shouldn't be, oh, let's just go up to the attic and grab this thing and screw it together like it's a, you know, an antenna and put it on the roof. You put it down there and. But as I've said now, the problem is, and I've been complaining about this for a long time, unfortunately, the great Jimmy Kimmel, you've met Jimmy before. Yeah. He likes the fake tree. Why? He cites the hassle and the whatever. On paper, the checklist. The fake tree has a lot in its favor, but the ultimate is that the real tree is real and it's festive and it smells good. But there's a lot of things that are good about the fake tree. But we actually. I actually have the fake tree. And. And hearing all this. You don't count. What I'm saying is you could. You could go out to dinner on Thanksgiving and. Oh, what's with the hassle with the roast and the oven and the turkey and the basting? It's all out. Fine. Eat my wife's. Save me the trouble. Yes. Hell, yeah. Please. Do I have to hug my own kids? Why can't I go down to Home Depot and get a couple of Mexicans hug out with my kids? Come on. I shouldn't have to. Do I have to bend down and hug them? Someone else should do this. Yes. We could farm everything out, but it's. It's the layers called a labor of love. We've forgotten about that part. So, yes, I got the. It's all b. It's nice to have a living tree inside your home. Yeah. No, this ain't living. This is dead. Oh, yeah. No, that. The rubber tree was a Alive, bro. It's still alive. And I've kept tweeting it to April by keeping the water in there. Yeah. And make sure you put some sugar or some in there. Yeah, yeah. They say that. I never know if that's good science or not. And then you take the needles and you, like, grind them up in the blender. You can make a pillow or something and send it to. Yeah. Give it as a gift or whatever. So we got the tree. We got the tree set up. My daughter already broke one of the decorative glass bulbs. I think back to Jimmy, who does go with the decorative tree. The notion of the super brittle, breakable glass orbs that you hang gingerly on the branches of the. Of the tree with the thin wire, the kind of wires that come in wrapping or rolling papers, you know, just like the. Nothing. Tungsten wire. Seems like something's going to break, Right? We had a bulb break. And my wife, who left for the. For the kids Christmas show before me this morning, and then. And then I showed up, did the thing where she said, a bulb is broken. There's glass everywhere. I put a towel down on top of it. And then she paused and she said, I didn't want Molly to Step in it. That's our dog. And then I thought, fuck Molly. What about me? What if I step in shit? You know what I mean? What if the earner. You know what I mean? If Molly steps in, it's one more trip to the fucking vet. They know her like they know Norm at Cheers. So she. Molly comes in, the vet's like, hey, Molly. Hey. Hey. And then you hear the cash register going off, people chilling champagne. But it was probably because animals can't talk, so she would never be able to say she was hurt. Right? But every time. I don't know if you guys ever have this, but I. Every other day I see another part of my dog has been shaved, and I'm like, that's another 2,300 bucks. Like, I'm. I'm convinced the dog just goes to the vet. They go get the wall, shave her out, and then just shave a square in her and then hand her back. Oh, that'll be 2,800 bucks. And my wife goes, fine, here's a tip. So you're like, is it a dongle? Sinead Okana. That's very timely, dfg. Exquisitely timely. Hell, yeah. All right, so do you have more balls or jv, what do you think about those dudes that, like, go ape on their house with a fake Santa on the sled and on the roof? Yeah, I'm. I. I think that's all balls. Yeah, I like that. Do you think it's jv? What do you guys think? Hell, yeah, it is jv. Oh, it's jv. You can see that from space. No, you can't. Yeah, bro, it's. You're just bringing some Merryman to the now. I will. I will admit that it is shaming for the other neighbors that aren't doing shit. Your house is, you know, lit up like Berlin after a bombing raid in 1944. And speaking of timely, Dresden, like, Sinead O'Connor flying a B17 over Dresden. Who are some other bald dudes? I don't know. Yeah, I'm just. All I'm saying is it is. It's. It's a little shame, don't you think? It's the house version of, my kid is an honor student. Yeah. It's like, hey, everyone. Everyone look at me. And it's a. It is a weird thing that all they're doing is burning kilowatts. And again, it's one of these things, you know, Fuck you, terrorists. Look what we got. You know what I mean? Have fun digging a hole looking for Your next cup of water. We're lighting up our roof with. You know what I mean? And by the way, it only comes on after we go to sleep. Then when we get up in the morning, it's off. We never really technically know if it's on or off. That's a little. We care. The giant inflatable on the roof, That's a fake version of a fake person. Yes. I, by the way, do not. I wonder. You know, they do that thing. I never really thought about it. But, you know, you see the signs, like, in front of the seafood restaurants and the liquor stores and stuff where they put the owl up there. And they're like, what's the. What's the plastic owl up there for? It's like, it keeps the pigeons and it keeps the seagulls away. You know, they don't. They don't shit on. On the things because they see the owl. Owl there. But by the way, somewhere around month 28 of seeing the same owl that has not moved. Yeah. Even with the brain of a seagull, wouldn't you be like, I think we can shit there? Like, I would if I was a seagull. I'd do some test shitting. Like, you know what? I'm gonna go do a high altitude test. Shit. Like, I'm not gonna go land next to the fake owl, but I will try to on it from high altitude. And if it dips a little to the left, then we'll know it's a real owl. Do you think that's what they do? Or do you think there's one bird that's their designated test shitter? Like they're the dumb friend. There has to be that one bird that like the guy in the frat house that are like, ronnie, come here. You do fucking. You'll do anything, dude. Right? Like, you're the guy who chugged the fifth of ever. Ever Clear. And punched a cop's horse. You know that guy? You, dude, go down and see if that's a real owl or not. And then if that's the way birds work, then they must be confused around Christmas time because they're like, there is a fat bearded dude that's on that roof next to the owl. I'm not getting near that place. And he really gets around because I saw him all over the place. All over the place. Yeah. You'll never want to deal with seagull again in your life. Get a fake falcon with one of them leather helmets. They see that leather helmet, they're like, whoa, I'm Getting out of here and shitting somewhere else. Yeah. They are birds of prey. Yeah, yeah, they're birds of prey because you pray that they won't like eat you or something. Yeah, that's why they call birds of prey. Yeah. Yeah. It is weird that they have to put those weird leather helmets on them. Some of them have goggles. Oh, really? Like old time aviators? Yeah, like Snoop. Why stop there? Give him a scarf and a bomber jacket. As long as we got him out there. All right, we have some questions from the audience tonight. There. Ball Bryan. Yes, we do. First one, Q and A's. Yeah, indeed. First one's from Darryl Silver of San Diego. Where's Daryl Darrell? Must be close by. I see a hand. Okay, I will read the question. So Darryl says, besides getting pass out drinking drunk, what's the best way to deal with my stripper sister in law and her worthless husband on Christmas? Well, first off, the stripper sister in law, that's a good thing, right? That could pay off. Yeah. Like, I mean, you can. First off, you can swing by the job site and say hi. True. And you know, if you want to fuck with her, you can go, hey, I went by the Spearmint Rhino and I noticed a little asymmetry in your areolas. You nail her like a nail gun testing facility. What's that? You nail her like one of them factories where they test nail guns to make them better. Yeah, yeah, you should nail her like. Like that. Nail, nail her. Yeah, but she's your. See, she's married to your brother. That bro. All right. I also get the impression flip her. I also get the impression from his question that she's kind of a pain in the ass. He's asking how to deal with her besides getting blackout drunk. Right, right. You know, I don't think you get much past blackout Dr. Drunk, you know, in terms of dealing with anguish and pain and. And others who are annoying. It's a good escape. Yeah, I've had that. You ever have that situation where you're dealing with someone and they're sloppy and they're drunk and they're obnoxious and you're like, the only way to combat this is to get drunker than you to join them and then beat them? Yeah. I will yell and spit on you when I'm talking because the music is too loud instead of the other way around. I will be the. I will be the spitter. You'll be. Your ear will be my petri dish. My spittoon. Yes. So I don't think you can do better than getting knockout drunk. Oh, you can, bro. Sorry. Has anyone ever done a ton of blow on Christmas? You having a white Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like blow is the wrong drug. Like, Like, I do. I don't know how many you guys are drug addicts, but I feel like this. There's certain drugs. I mean, don't you want to do show of hands? Yeah, yeah. Show of track marks. All right. No, no, there's certain, there's certain, like, drugs that are good for certain occasions. Sure. I feel like blow is bad for the holidays because you have, you know, your grandpa's there and he's confined to a wheelchair and somebody's talking about the wise man in the manger and the baby Jesus, and you're doing a bump in the bathroom and, you know, fucking Santa's looking at you. Right, right. Well, we. Did you guys have the elf on the shelf? Yeah, we have the elf on the shelf, which is this little elf. God damn. What are you talking about? All right, here's how it works. I, I, Christmas is loosely based on you trying to get your kids to act like human beings for two weeks out of the year, where you just go, you know, they're, they're doing, you know, one of them is gnawing at the other one's shin, and you go, hey, Natalia, if Santa sees you gnawing at Sunny's calf, you're not gonna get your American Girl doll. She's like, ah, ah, I guess I can hold off until after the new year. All right, so there's a lot of, like, you know, you're driving and they're spitting on each other and punching each other, and you're going, hey, Santa's not gonna be very happy about. And you get them to act like human beings. Actually, we should just have this for adults too. Maybe it's called prison. Yeah. What's religion? Oh, religion. Yeah. Oh, it's year round. People think that Santa is just like Jesus. He's always watching you, and you need to act good, because if you're good there, hell yeah. But, you know, here's the thing about, here's the thing about not get presents. But, but here's what I realized. We're up with Jesus watching all the time. We should just pick every other month that he's watching. You know what I mean? Because eventually it just becomes like a reality show where they take the house and they put the cameras all around it. And for the first few episodes, episodes, everyone's aware of the cameras. And then after that the guy's like cupping his own farts and doing this. He's like, I don't care. I'm pissing in the sink and cup my own farts. Like, I don't fuck who's filming me. I don't put a GoPro on my. I don't give a. That's what Jesus has become. Santa works because we only dust his ass off for like two weeks out of the year, you know? And then people are on good behavior. There's no way they can know what everyone is doing. Oh, yeah, but there are too many people. No, I know, but there's seven, so they don't know. But we have the elf on the shelf, and the elf sits there and you put her different places. Oh, it's a she. It's a chick. Yeah, and she's. It's an elk. No, no, it's a elk. Elf. Hell yeah. Okay, sorry, I may mispronounce that. It's. No, he's reading lips, so there's bound to be some confusion. Elf on the Shelf or like the. The movie with the. Yeah, yeah. No, the movie where the. The Dan Clyde Brown. What? What the hell with that movie. And the point is this elf, the kids. The thing that's great about being a kid and the thing that kids don't figure out is once kids fall asleep, they think all of life stops after they go to bed. Yes. So every single night, the kids go to bed at 9:00 at night. And then my wife grabs the elf from on top of the TV in the family room and moves it on top of a cabinet in the kitchen. And every morning my kids get up and go, holy. The elf. The elf move from the TV set. They did. They missed the whole part where there are adults walking around for several hours after you go to bed. So is the point of Elf on the Shelf it's like Santa's representative in your home? Yes. And the elf is watching, so it's mostly to my daughter where the elf. You know. Right. So the elf is a snitch. Stop shooting snot rockets at your brother because the elf is going to drop a foot. Dime, dude. You know that. I mean, like, Dante is real. It just. He can't go around. He's not fed X. FedEx. Yeah, he. He does like, you know, like maybe 20 families or something, right? It don't do everybody. But I'm just saying how when I put those two shots of Yay out on the top of the fireplace, right? Moose and Smitty didn't drink Them. Oh, I mean, Moose and Smitty didn't drink. No, I'm just saying he only visit, like, you know, like a political guy on the election night. Like he's dying all over. Right. He's real, but he just doesn't hit every single hound. Right, but who's drinking the Jaeger shots? Santa Claus. Okay, it's not Moose and Smitty or Michael. No. They were at a strip club Christmas Eve. Right. Okay. All right. I'm sorry, do we have another question ball? Bryan, I wasn't sure what your point was. No, I think everyone's like, oh, Dennis bank, you know, like, oh, you're an idiot for still believing in him. Right? Yeah, because, like, he don't go to apartment buildings because they. They don't have chimbles. Chimlies. Chimblies. Chimblets. The thing that the dude got stuck in, in Gremlins. You know, where the fire. The chimbley. Chimney. Chimbly. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, I didn't. I don't read lips. I'm sorry. Next question from Summer Crabtree of San Diego. Summer, follow up. The last question thing you talked about, do your kids still believe in Santa? And I will follow up and say, how much longer are they going to believe in Santa Claus? Listen, as far as I can stretch this, if I can get it into their mid-30s, so fucking be it. Like, I can see myself sitting down with my son when he's like, you know, 29. Look, if you don't get into rehab, Santa, you gotta quit chasing the dragon. Or Santa. I mean, it'd be great if we could just carry. You know, I know you're balls deep in your girlfriend right now, but you need to pull out and come on the tits or Santa. You know what I mean? Such a good father. Son. Yeah, I mean, I. I wish I could carry this. So it'd be nice if there was an adult motivator as good as Santa Claus. Yeah, a motivator for adults that was as good as Santa. Well, what. What it. What it is, is when. When they're. When they're little, it's the guy who's not going to bring them shit that's the threat. So you're not going to get your American Girl doll and you're not going to get your Tonka trucks or whatever it is you're going to get. I wasn't talking, by the way, to my daughter. My son. I was talking to my daughter and a random lesbian child anyway. But you're not going to get your Tonka Trucks, you're not going to get whatever you're going to get. That's when they're kids. Then at a certain point they cross over and it's. There's probably not much of a span here. I've never really thought about this. But, but dig, if you will. You go from, you know, two years old to, you know, 10 years old of, hey, you're not going to get this shit. And then you, you, you, you go, you effortlessly, you just breeze right into taking away shit. You see what I'm saying? Either way, way they're going to be out. So first it's, Santa is not going to bring you. And then later on your pissed off dad is going to take away your. And it goes, that's what goes into. You're not going to get to borrow the car, your TV's going to get shut off. You don't get to go out on. You know what I mean? It goes from, you're getting to. You're not getting, you're not getting. What is that window there must be just like 14 months of limbo where you're either the threat of not getting shit or having shit taken away or what I do give them a bunch of shit and then threaten to take that shit back. Do they care? No, they don't. They don't care. My kids live in this weird zero gravity environment where presents just fall out of the sky, where nothing means anything. I mean, I see my daughter coming home with a brand new ice skates the other day. My wife explained doing this one. She got her like a unitard for ice skating and it was only $183. And I was like, what the fuck? Are you kidding me? My parents have never. That's the entire weird. Her whole life. Oh my God. I include food and shelter in that number. My parents have never spent. And then my wife doing that, don't worry, it was half price. I said to her, literally, I said, did you get this at the Caesars gift shop? Where did you fucking get this unitard for ice skating? Like, did you go to Vegas and go to the Caesars gift shop and buy this fucking thing? By the way, Found no humor in that. She was like, no, we got it at the ice skating rink. And it's like, by the way, ironically, the most expensive place to buy anything is at the place where you do it. Why is that? You want to get ripped off on ice skates, buy it next to a block of frozen ice where other people are skating. Like, I bet A condom is $800 at a whorehouse. Yeah, it's true. Oh, yeah. And the. The fees at the strip club. The strip club for the atm. Oh, listen, this transaction will cost you double what you just took out. Try to get 40 bucks and it just spits out 55 cents. Like that handling baby renting bowling shoes, huh? But hey, dude, in all seriousness, bro, if you want to scare the shit out of your kid and get them to act right about this, you go. That dude Santa, he got another name, Kris Kringle, and it scares the shit out of him. Really? Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, dude, I don't feel like Chris. Chris Kringle. That doesn't scare the out of you when you hear it? No. Who the is Chris Kringle? I don't know. And by the way, sir, is Santos like Alias? Yeah, I know it's weird, but why does nobody call him Chris Kringle? I don't know. It's kind of like Sean Combs and P. Diddy. I mean, I mean, you know, a lighter version, but you know what I'm saying, Like, Santa is his rap name. Yeah. I don't know. Why do we need a legitimate name for Santa? Is there another guy in SAG named Santa? So he's got to be like Santa P. Claus. Oh, yo, me a Coke. Okay. All right. You have any? I want to look at some boobies. By the way, would you like to look at some boobies too? Yeah. Yeah. But do you think she's on beliefs in taking the Christ out of Christmas? Who? The boob girl. Oh, Rena. Yeah, Yeah, I want to see her boobs. All right, well, she's. She's coming out. She's going to show us her boobs. I'll sit here like a gentleman, bro. Oh, dude, can't. You want more, bro? Yeah, I mean, all balls are jv. JB are all balls. It's a lot. One was quickly time, please. Beating off on Christmas Eve. Wow. Now a lot of factors going on here. Yeah. Let's see now. If I go at 12:01, that's Christmas Day, right? It's kind the whole experience. It's till. Until after you open your present. After you open your present. You're gonna beat your meat all you want, right? Yeah. But Christmas Eve, there's when you've just returned from caroling with the family, right? The can, the milk and cookies on the mantel. Do you go upstairs and whip out that issue of Cherry or put on tap too Inhabit your yule log. Yeah. Or maybe even like I meant. Or the mini candy Cane. But keep going. Or like, you know, maybe you take it. Maybe you're like, okay, I'm a. I know Santa. You watch it. I'm gonna be good. I'm just gonna be in it to Penthouse Forum. All right? Or maybe I do the little finger pinch and do the retrograde, you know what I mean, where you beat Santa on a technical. You know, I mean, like a smokeless cigarette, you know what I mean, where nothing comes out. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah, you get the full. You know, like when you're camping. Dude, I don't know where you're. That's some fucked up shit, bro. I don't know, dude. That's like beating it in. In a sauna. You don't do it. Oh, you don't do it. And if you do, stay away from the fucking rocks and never being off in a graveyard. Well, now you tell me. Where were you on Tuesday? Listen, you're visiting Grandpa. There's a rush of emotion you're overcome with. Gotta express it somehow. You know what to do with all those feelings. You grieve the way you grieve. Okay, I'm not to tell you how to grieve. Yeah, the doctor Drew taught me there's a way to do a retrograde ejaculation where you. You tuck your fingers up under the taint or something and nothing comes. J, bro. And then does, like. Does double the amount come out later or does it? Think Peter north ever did that, bro? Now, the decorators never. Never done it. No, what happens is later on in the day when you yawn, a big bubble comes out of your mouth. Also very embarrassing to explain away. I just drank milk. I drank whole. I should have gone with 2%. Why does it smell like jizz in here? What were the circumstances under which Dr. Drew taught this to you when we would do Loveline? Well, again, the camping thing, obviously, he did. Sexual deviant. No, if, you know, if you share a tent with another individual, it's just, you know, it's decorum. You know, it's right. So don't mind the furious masturbating because. Don't worry, I'm not gonna come because that would be weird. Exactly. Like, hey, dudes, I'm camping. I was whacking up. But don't worry, I touched my finger off my ass, though. It's all good, bro. Hey, let's go. Hey, did you see that firefly? Look at the full moon. I have my fingers shoved off my ass because Dr. Drew told me I can't bust a knife. It's JV, bro. I'm sorry. I didn't know it would bring out this kind of emotion in you. Tfg I. I don't like dropping digits. I don't. No, you don't. You don't put your fingers up your ass or even a lady. You do that, you going to get. You're going to feel it. No, no, I'm not. I. I ain't going to hit you, but you'll feel it. No, I'm. Get away. The retrograde version is not up the ass. You got Adam. You seem to have upset him a little bit. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's not. You don't go digits up. I thought you were talking about that time that Ashley tried to stick her finger on my ass. No, no, no. Which. Which Ashley? The one with the shaved bush. Okay. All right. No, you go sort of back ball taint. Put some pressure up there, and evidently it works. It's nothing I've ever. I've never tried it. I have. No. You know, it's not like. Well, I'm particularly attached to this load of semen and I like, carry it well in. Into my retirement. I. I don't even like the idea that it's in me now. I wish there was just some sort of, you know, semen shop vac. It could be removed. Yeah. I mean, I feel like the only time this would come up is when it would be impolite to come based on the company you're with. Right. Which means where the. Are you masturbating? Right. That's what I'm saying. It's. It's. It's basically. It's strictly for camping. That's all. It's just the camping. They should teach it in Boy Scouts. Absolutely. What about driving break in the rv? Well, there you go. Or going. Or going to Havasu or Palm Springs during spring break. Sometimes there are benefits to not nutting in like a minute. Right, right. Okay, good. I'm glad you've come around on this one. All right. DFG Are we good? Any more JV or All Balls or jv? I have to ask Brian D. I have to because he loved movies. What did that movie where the killer with a Santa Claus killer guy is like, christmas Eve is the scariest night of the whole goddamn year. It's from the 80s, but Silent Night, Deadly Night who stayed Silent? Fuck you, bro. That's the name of the movie. Movie? Yeah. Oh, Style and Night. Deadly. Yeah, that's. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I was watching that movie on Christmas Eve. And my dad comes along like, what is this? I was like, it's a really good movie. And they go, not on Christmas. And he took out the dvd. And I'm like, bro, that's a random. And he goes, I don't care. And he threw it in the fire. Wow. And they go, you're not throwing equipment in. Can I ask you this quickly? We got to bring our. Our guests out. But I really quickly. Nelson Mandela, the funeral. That had to be. What. What was that like for you? I know you're a fan of the Man. You'll know that I am a comedy snob. Comedy snob? Yeah. Yeah. The late Sam Kennethan had a bit when, like, he died, and he's in the morgue, and the dude that, like, you know, gets you ready in the morgue, right? Mortician fucks his in the ass. I'm in the ass. And it's the ultimate sin, right? This is what happened to Nelson Mandela. Really? With the silent. Yeah, the dude's talking about birds and shit. Really? I couldn't read what he was saying. I thought he just had a South African accent, Right? Oh, they have. They have accents. Yeah, just the way the pinky. Oh, interesting. So I'm like, I. I'll give him a break, right? The next thing I know, I want to. I'm like, dude, this dude is on bas salts or some. Right? At first, he just chalked it up to the pinky accent. Yeah. But everyone, one note. It. It was a disgrace. I'm trying to enjoy the funeral. Right. No, I understand. And he ruined it. He ruined a perfectly good afternoon for you. This dude is no longer. He's. He's a joke. He's a joke. A joke. Joke. His career is over. Okay, all right, all right. Well, someone whose career is just beginning. Nice. Ah, that's right. I move over right from her. Yeah, please. She's doing a fund anything campaign. Free the Nipple. Lena Esco is here. Lena, You. Oh, she's coming out right now. She's trying to raise money. Thank you. Thank you. Good do. Good to see you, Lena. Thanks. Sorry. Tell us about the documentary, and tell us about you and your background, and then we'll get to the boobies in a second. Second. Well, first of all, it's a feature film, not a documentary. Oh, I'm sorry. And it's about censorship. It's about freedom, and it's about empowering women. I would say. It's about time. It's about time. Thank you. Hell, yeah. You're a regular Helen. Ready thank you. Hear me roar. So when, when did you. Now you're starring in it, right? Yes. What is your background? My background is that I grew up acting and I kind of got tired of just waiting for that audition and I wanted to take charge of my career and my best friend inspired me. Sorry, can you guys hear me? Yeah, no, it's all good. But you acted in London Parrot, New York. You model? Yes. When I was 15 I tried it just to make some money and it sucked. So I stopped. Why did it suck? Why did modeling suck? Because nobody cares about what you're saying. They just want to look at you and it sucks. Yeah, it's called modeling. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I hated it. So I don't want to be those kinds of girls. Right. So you got out a model because. No voice in modeling. No voice. And you started acting but tired of waiting. I didn't, I didn't really want to take it serious either. I didn't really like the whole actor actresses hanging out in Hollywood. So when did the free the nipple idea come up? It came up three years ago. My best friend is like the most free spirited person ever. And when she was five months old she got kicked out of the church for breakfast, breastfeeding. And that was enough for me to really dive into this new story and create a story about these girls in New York going topless. And what is the central theme is that believe if guys can go topless, girls should be able to go topless. Correct. It is about the double standard. If men can be topless, women should be able to be topless. But we also brought in the violence aspect of it because then we can really start a conversation about what is more obscene, violence or a nipple. It was said that in the mid-1930s men weren't allowed to be topless and they fought that law and now they can be topless. Yeah, look, dude, look at this pipe. You think these things can't, you know? Hell yeah, you know the, the, the, the double. Look at this 16 inch python. The double standard that always pisses me off is when you see the Biggest Loser and when the dudes weigh in, they weigh in shirtless. But the guy's 587 pounds and he has the stretch marks and the huge areolas and he's lactating like his 1. Nipples like the crying Indian watching a guy throw fast food out of the van. And I'm like, what is more it is, it is 8, 15 in the evening, I'm trying to eat my lasagna what is more offensive, and the thing that I've always said that has driven me insane, is if you watch television and you watch reality shows and you see Survivor, you'll see the hot, skinny chick and she's scrambling up the cargo net, and if part of her little bikini brief pulls down, they will pixelate just the top of her ass crack. Yeah, the part where the mistletoe tattoo is. That's right. But if the lactating dude wants to get up there with all the stretch marks and the areolas the size of hubcaps, no problemo for that dude. Either it's offensive or it's not. Like, it's. To me, it's always the lasagna test. Do you put your fork down or don't you? If I see a little supermodel ass crack, I don't put my fucking fork down. Sorry. Go ahead. No, and it's true. We sexualize the dumbest images, and that's how media makes money and everybody makes money, really. So is it more like a European model? The, you know, topless beaches, places like that? Even I think in France and in Germany, body wash commercials, women are topless, and it's completely normal. I'm totally against shave bush. I'd like it at first, but if I wanted to, you know, like a shape, you know, you know, like a raw turkey, I go to Whole Foods. Yeah. I, I, it doesn't look, it looks weird without a little bit of bush. Well, let me just say this. Dfg, as far as the, the turkey at the Whole Foods, you can, you can only do it once per Whole Food. You have to move. You have to keep going. You can't go to, like, the Sherman Oaks Whole Foods, fuck the turkey, and then come back. But he has a punch card. Yeah. No, it's not like turkeys in summer and spring are, like, half price. Well, certainly the ones you've gotten to will be discounted. I never boned one. I boned a pumpkin, but not a turkey. I was like, I don't know, like seven, eight. Oh, you were young. You were young when you boned the pumpkin. Yeah, all young kids do stupid shit. Boning pumpkins, you know? I don't know, Steve. I think I, you know, deal in a taxi or some shit. Right? Yeah. You got a lot of rain. Sorry, Lena. So, Donald Stewart. So you're modeling, acting. It wasn't fulfilling. No, it wasn't until I decided to do this movie and everyone walked away from me. They're like, what are you doing? You're crazy. You're doing a movie about toplessness. You're ruining your career. You're not going to go anywhere. And I decided to just listen to that little voice inside my head, and I ended up doing it. And it's been really rewarding. It's been a long, tough road. We're dealing with so much censorship issues left and right. Where have you been topless in public? In New York City in Zucotti park, through Occupy Wall street and Times Square Square. Oh, I bet those Occupy Wall street guys were happy. Yes. You probably meant Poochie's uncle. Oh, he was there. Poochie's uncles that Occupy Wall street thought he. He finger banged the chick in the tree at Occupy Wall street, bro. Really? Yeah. Then he went to Fresno and. And he. He. He says he got laid. All right, but is he okay? Poochie's uncle, by the way, I know he's in the house. Well, Poochie's uncle sat on his testicles the other night. He was transported to the hospital by a professional team. And I am pleased to say that he will be in for a few more days, but he is resting comfortably. Was there the torsion issue? I know, torsion of the. It's like a concussion. Every time you sit on your nuts, it gets worse. It gets a little worse. So it's a cumulative effect of sitting on your own sack. His tentacles, though, if you ever seen him, they're like those fingerling potatoes or pancakes or whatever. Right, right. Okay. It depends on the weather. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry I have to bore you with Poochie's uncle, but he is torsion of his testicles. And anyway, I guess we wish him Godspeed. I guess is what, bro. He's doing fine. Okay. All right. So in the. In. In the movie, which now the movie's done, but we're still trying to raise some money for distribution and music and things like that, Right. We're trying to get it to the audience the way we. We made it because the mpa, which is the Motion Pistol association of America, wants to give us an NC 7 17, which is considered pornography, and there's not one sexual act in the movie. Meanwhile, they allow crazy amounts of violence in movies. PG13 movies. Like recent studies show that PG13 films have more gun violence than rated R films. So I. I made an independent film myself. It had no violence and no sex at all. It had. Was two Fox. It was, hey, motherfucker. Like in a context. The guy was yelling at me in a Boxing ring. Hey, motherfucker. There was two fucks in there, and they said, you're getting. You're getting an R rating. And I was like. And the thing that's insane about that system is when it would come on cable, they'd have to justify the R rating, even though the movie had nothing in it. That you would watch the movie and go, why is that? And it would say, you know, language and violence. It was amateur boxing. Guys wearing. It's like saying you couldn't watch the Olympics on a Sunday morning because of violence. The guys wearing headgear and boxing gloves. They cited violence in a boxing movie. Should have been pg. It's totally insane. And then they get into this horrible thing where they go, well, if you cut out one fuck, we'll give you your pg. Now it's like. It feels like they don't really get specific at the mpa. They just give you a stamp and they won't even tell you why. Oh, with us, they're like, keep. Keep removing Fox until you owe us Fox. And then you'll be in the hole, like, nine Fox. And then we'll. We'll give it. We'll give it to you. But obviously, it's insane. You had hookups. You had hookups. Probably, yes. Yeah. Well, not. We weren't hooked up well enough, evidently. Adam's got juice. Yes, but. But the. So obviously, you then turn on TV and you see people being decapitated or the guys from the Biggest Loser and the Areolas, and you're like, what the. And what year is it? And why have we gotten crazy? The violence is run unchecked, but the nudity, I don't feel like it's stayed in step. You know what I mean? Like, we're. We're. There should be a balance, and that's what the whole film is about. We really just want to start a conversation. I mean, if you're going to be censoring, you know, sex and love and nipples and women enjoying orgasms, you should be censoring violence. Just have a little bit of balance. It's just all retarded. An average American child sees, you know, 200,000 violent acts and 16,000 murders on television by the age of 18. And it's ridiculous. And the nipple has become the worst thing ever. And I always say the same thing. It's like the first thing you see when you're born is the nipple. And it's the first thing you connect with, and it's what naturally nourishes us. Why is it who cares about it? I mean, come. It's a body part. Yeah. Yeah. He's clapping. Hell, yeah. Yeah, but it's. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. The men like to do the guns, and the ladies like to nurture and show the eggs with the bread. But the men don't want the ladies to get away. Would have more power. Oh, you actually, you're very smart. The DFG is wise beyond his. Yeah, you're deep ears or ears or something. Yeah. Take the. Take the tri. Dealt in the lawsuit against Delta Gamma, right? No, fuck that. We don't have a good time. All right. So I feel weird asking you to remove your top, but I thought that's something. Will you be a hypocrite if you didn't? Right? I mean, not really. I mean, I'm here to promote the film. I'm also an actor and a filmmaker. I would get topless if Allison gets topless. Or more people in here get topless. That was a good. And you, too. Well, then I guess we won't be seeing any boobs tonight. But, Brian, what if I hang a ball? What if D8? What if. What if the Death Rack hangs a nut? You know, just one ball, but not the same thing. I mean, if he hangs a nut and you take your shirt off and Allison does. Absolutely. Wait a minute. What happened? You're holding your breast hostage. I mean, I'm wearing a shirt with boobies on my. On my T shirt. I mean, come on. And if you want to see my boobs, they're all over my film. You know, they're there. You know, they're eating in my camp. They're actually in the. In free. The Noble Doctor and the movie, hopefully, will come out next year. All right, so you guys just all. Anyone who's getting. Anyone want to get service. Anyone to get topless, get the lady up to come up. That's the way you do it there. Chris Maxapat has got his shirt off. Right? That's it, bro. Dude, that's it, bro. Yeah, I got it. Dude. Hey, that still counts. Yeah, that totally counts. That's right. And the lady winner. Set of balls on her. All right. Oh, boo. Oh, we got it. We got a Winger over there. Lena, we're gonna move ahead to the news. If we don't get a Winger. Totally. I mean, if we all go topless, I'll go topless. Here. The deal was no one wants to see my fat ass chest. Why not? They're just nipples. Why not this? Dude, I've seen Him play shorts and skins football. He got nipples like those old 45 records. They're prodigious is what we would call it. All right, should we do some news and maybe we'll see some nipples at some point during the course of Allison Rosen. I might get super hot during one of the news stories and decide what the hell? All right, unleash. All right, let's do it with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Alison Talisun. When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt it, Tallison. Just need to share my experience of what is happening right now, which is bringing me back to, like a very, very school place of there's fun that everyone can have if only I would do something, but I'm not going to because I am too uptight. Yeah. So sorry we all won't be having sex. Yeah. If you would just loosen up and blow the soccer team, we could all. Yeah. Have a good time and get on to our home rooms. But now all we have to do to go to this really cool party is walk really far and then climb over a picket fence, walk through someone's backyard yard, and then do. I don't know. That happened one time and I. Did you get into trouble? See, it worked out. No, what happened was I. I'm not good with heights and also with a lot of physical activities. So I went over the picket fence, but as I jumped over it, I held onto the fence and pulled the whole slat with me. You know, I hopped a fence for the first time in a long time. Can we get two manguia up here quick? Hold on. I hopped my kids school fence today for the first time in a long time. Swimmingly. I was. It was one of those things where schools have, like, basically become maximum security prisons now, unfortunately. And there's that whole thing where it's like you park on this side anytime in life where you're going to an event and you go, there's plenty of parking. You're always. It means you're somewhere other than where you need to be. So it's like you go, why is nobody parked here? Oh, this is awesome. I'll just park right in front of the school. And then you find out, oh, the south gate is closed. You have to go around the thing to the circumnavigate the globe till you get to the front gate or whatever. The gate was open. I walked in the back of the school. I saw the assembly and then I started walking out and the gate was locked and I said it. I'm going over the top. Top. Your hero. No, thank you. Yeah, who do I have to to get two Mangras? Oh, okay. You want some Mangria? Sorry, where? Yeah, one for the lady, bro. Oh, okay. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah. Mangria. It helps. It helps with the T shirts. Did you all right. This adam Co Show 12:13 Come next for our final clip today we have Adam Carolla Show 1727. Paul Reiser, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2015. Pluto TV is a place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and it's free. I love free. And I love Jersey Shore. For me it's the Godfather, SpongeBob SquarePants. I am Patrick. Patrick is me. Oh, Forrest Gump. Come on, Criminal minds solving crime after bedtime. Whatever you love to watch. Pluto TV makes it easy with thousands of free movies and shows. Pluto TV stream now pay never. Thank you very much for coming out, Paul, and good night. No, what more needs to be said? Can I tell you what happened to me last night? Because I never stopped talking about how our society a complete piece of shit and what we're doing to it and how it's falling apart. What's going on? I went, took my son out for Chinese food. Just me and Sonny. A little Chinese food, Father, dad, dinner. And we went to the Chinese joint on the corner. Very nice people, very good food. Everything was good. But the place was packed. And they told us we could go wait by the bar and have they'd call our name. And we went over by the bar and they had a football game up. And I pulled up to the bar and there was no place to sit in the bar. They had a couple of chairs spread around the bar and then also a couple little booths. Everything was full. A couple got up and left the bar. I sat at the bar, my son sat next to me. I ordered a beer, he ordered a ginger ale. And then the guy behind the bar bar who felt horrible said, your son can't sit at the bar. There's a law. He cannot sit at the bar. By the way, here's what I don't get about all these rules. You do know I can now go to the car and just rape my son, right? Like I, I, I'm taking him back to my house where I can ply him with Jack Daniels and rape the bejesus out of them. Right. And push comes to shove. Right? Yeah. There's no bartender or anyone from the state that will be there once we get into the house and I lock the door, I get to do whatever I want. Right. Okay. But as long as we're here, I would argue this is probably him at his safest. Really? If I was going to get drunk and I had any ideas, this is where he'd want to be. Did you, did you use the flawless rape my son in the car logic on the bartender? I think I said parking lot, but I was trying to make a point. But he said, and this is what I love about what we've created now, the super society that we've, we've crafted for ourselves. He nicely said it's illegal for him to sit at the bar, but if he would like to stand next to the bar stool next to you and drink his ginger ale while you drink your beer, he may do that. Really? In which case, my son stood next to an open bar stool because we all know when a nine year old's ass hits Naga High, that's when the trouble begins. So he just stood there and after about 20 minutes he was like, I'm kind of tired of standing. Can I sit down? And I'm like, well, not here. And from the mouth of babes, he just went, well, what's the difference? And I'm like, I don't know what this difference is. Sorry. You seem very worked up. I say all the time, Paul, I do understand if there was some sort of imperial overlord from another galaxy that took over our planet and said, look, we don't hate them so much that we're gonna kill them, but we'd like to annoy the out of of them. So let's start implementing a bunch of things like, well, it says no parking because the street sweepers coming by between 10am and noon. But I pull in at 11:45 because you can see the fresh wet tracks just went by. Let's still issue that guy a ticket, right? It's as if there's somebody watching over us who's fucking with us. Except for it's us with us. This is white on white crime. That's the part that pisses me off, is not that we're living under this thing where it's like I say to the bartender, you know, I give him a wink and I go, I'm part of, you know, I'll see at the meeting on Wednesday that takes place in a root cellar because we're planning the overthrow. We do this to us. This is our plan for us. To have my son just stand there at the bar drinking his ginger rail. I'm sorry, Paul. I'm so glad I got here to hear that. Yeah, I'm sorry I'm emotional. No. Wow. You know what? You're passionate and you're not wrong. What do we do about it? That's the question. Thank God we're meeting here as a group. Yes. Do not let Overlord. Yeah. These are the very people who can overthrow the Overlord. Do not let whoever the Overlord is. I don't know his name, but I do know from watching him movies his name starts with a Z. That's a sultan. Zoltar Z. It's never an A or just the letter Z. Yeah, that's right. There's. There's a Z at the start of it. Well, what I say is, I was saying to Mike Oggs on the ride in, what we have to do is just start refusing the mandatory meetings that the company has on whatever policy that involves people's safe spaces and private spaces. I'm stymied by the airport security. You don't have to take off your shoes over 70. Oh, really? Yeah, because the bad guys can't possibly come up with a 71 year old who is happy to leave his shoes. You know what I mean? Yeah, I. I figure, by the way, why that cut off? No, I agree. Like, when it comes to blowing yourself up, come find me at 71. I think I'm listening. You know what I mean? Like, I'm listening. Find me at 19. And I'm like, I got a lot of, well, mainly beating off to do before. Now in the end, give me but 71, that's prime blowup time. Yeah, I get. I. First off, I could have inoperable cancer. Yeah. You don't know. Secondly, I could have got up this morning and like, hip really hurt. And I went and took the orthopedist and he said he was going to have to replace the hip and whatever. And maybe I just like to go out in a ball of flames. That's the guy. Yeah. But I, I'm also amazed at how happy I. Once in a while they said, you can leave your shoes on. And like, this is the greatest day of my life. I know. That's how far we've come that you're saying I can, I can leave my shoes on. Yes. I'm like, I'm thrilled. It is weird, the little, the little victories in life. Like, huge victory. Every. Every radio, every, like live radio. Show I ever did in the past. At some point, you'd get one T shirt with the station logo on. On it that was worth A$85, and you do this thing. It was like, I got a T shirt, and everyone just start gathering around like the maids of honor trying to catch a garter belt. And you throw the thing up, and you see guys getting a fist fight over a wisp of cotton that was worth nothing. What is that? I love your idea about. Look, we shouldn't be giving ISIS any ideas on this show, but if they were smart, ISIS would hang out outside the oncology award at Cedar Sinai Hospital. And every time a guy comes out looking solid, be like, yeah, tough break, pops. That's the bad news. Hey, yeah, you can still do some good for your family. Look, you know what? I've said too much. Gary, delete that from the podcast. You can go to Mexico and get a bunch of coffee enemas and come back in a box in about seven weeks, or it could be a very merry Christmas. All right, the. I'll tell you. I'll tell you the one, but I'll tell you if you'd like to know, Paul, how we wrestle it back. I would like that. I hesitate to say this over the microphone, but I wrestled back about 3 ounces of it this evening before I left. I was standing there at my sink in the kitchen being mocked by the veggie wash that my wife buys. Yes. And it's spray that is essentially tap water with a little lemon zest in it that you spray onto apples and pears and then wash them. It's essentially a way to waste someone else's money and prove to the world that you love your kids, even though there's nothing there, by the way. Scientifically has zero merit. There's nothing. You'd be better off just rubbing the fucking apple with your lucky stick stone so the kid wouldn't get clipped on his bicycle that day. But there's the veggie wash, and she sprays it and washes it, and then she'll be back for more. And it. You know, this shit ain't free. It's like six bucks. Whatever. All right, you tell me if I'm a bad person or not. I just unscrewed the cap, you know, it's got the spray top, and I just went, I'm just gonna top this off with a little tap water. And by the way, I love my wife, but I don't think she'd. She won't notice if this thing never goes Dry. All I gotta do is top it off once a month and we will use this one thing. So I'll just be out. I'll just be taking 5.99 and throwing it out the car window while I speed down the freeway of life. But I won't be doing it once a month. You see what I'm saying? Just the one time. Like subscribing to a magazine that just has a stain in it. Yes, right. The only problem is she wouldn't look at a full bottle and go, oh, Adam picked up another one. I just don't think she's gonna notice until one of you assholes tells her, that's all. All right, so that's how I. I reclaim it. We got. What can Adam complain about? Paul, I feel I should talk to you as well. No need. I'm enjoying this. I'm enjoying this. You go ahead. You do what you got to do. All right, tell me if you guys have experienced this then. I took my son. I went to his basketball game today, and his team won. 39. 38. Yes. And my son was responsible for two of the 39 points and the margin of victory. Sonny Corolla. Yeah, he did. I mean, to be fair, he, he, he did have one sort of rim out, as we call it. Rimming out is where you lick another 9 year old's. I'm sorry. Well, but there's a lot of girls that don't know we got it terminology. Well, I'm sorry. Lot of basketball people there. Not a lot of hoops fans get that reference. So he did have one, but two things. The, the. I realized the almost empty gymnasium built in the 50s is simultaneously the loudest place in the world. Like every bounce of a ball, every scooch of a shoe, everything is loud. But also it's impossible to communicate inside of this thing. Everything's equally loud. Kids can be eight feet away from. From you. You could be screaming like, like post up, post op. And it's like all it does is your words just bounce around. There's somebody in Ohio who hears it, but not the kid that's nine feet in front of you. Like, it's just a. It's just a echo chamber of words flying around that none. Or the kids just tuna everybody out. The moms are like screaming, you know, jump ball, jump ball. You know, I don't know. By the way, every time someone grabs on the ball and everyone's yelling, jump ball. You do understand it's a coin toss. Yeah. And your kid's shorter and it's getting his ass kicked all up and down the court. Doesn't behoove you. Jesus Christ. I had this. I had this moment. I had to. I had to. I had to bite. I was. I was sitting on the bench, and I had the moment when. Where it was the last quarter, and it was like, tied up 27. 27. And the kid that was 2 foot nothing was sitting at the end of the bench, and he had been literally. And he had been sitting out the quarter before, and the dad was like, you should be out there for the. For the last quarter. Like, go tell the coach. And I was just sort of sitting there going, I think the coach. Coach knows what's going on. It's just. He wants to win. Yeah. Listen, if I was coaching, I wouldn't put Sunny out there either. Not in. Not in crunch time. But I mean, like, there's. That part of me wanted to turn around and go, oh, no, see, we're trying to win. Yeah. But keeping score today. Yeah. They see you see what score is. We're not either down by 50 or up by 50. We're. And he's like, no, go. Go tell the coach. And the. The kid was like. Like, he. He said what the team was. Was this great moment. And tell the coach. The third time, the dad just sort of nudged him and he said, go tell the coach. And the guy. Okay, dad. Guy walked up to the coach and he said, hey, am I supposed to be in? And the coach did a. Yeah, sit. Hold tight. Sit down. And the guy just turned around and gave his dad one of those. Satisfied. He satisfied the old. Like that. That look. It was a great. Yeah. Was a great look. Like. Yeah. His humiliation was flying under the radar at that point. Right. Did you play sports growing up, Paul? I did. I was that guy saying, can I get in? Can I get in? Hang tight. Where'd you go to school? I. In New York, but I. My. My. My boys are out here. And I remember when. And we would go to a game and I would look on my son's face and there was. If he got the ball, he couldn't get rid of it fast enough. He was like the opposite. Instead of Kobe, he was like the anti Kobe. Right? If you go, like, yeah. And he would give it to other guy, so it would be the other kid's problem. He's got fast hands. I'll give him that. My son does this thing that kind of reminds me of your son, which is he loves running. So in the transitions, he just. He. He's the first guy down there and then he plays defense like, Like a saloon door. Yeah. I mean just boom, there's a new sheriff in town. They go blasting right past him, his louvers fall off and he just swings right back. But he's always the first guy down there. Yeah, there's a new sheriff in town who won't set a pick or guard anybody. And it just, you go right back. I'm like, but he's still the first guy down there. Transition deep. Then he transitions down there again. And I've, you know, then he comes after the game, he goes, I'm fast, dad. Like I'm, I'm super fast. And that's when I gave him the nickname the vegetarian cheetah. Cuz he'll run down a gazelle and then eat some celery. Yeah. And then play around with it. But for what? He's first there, but he ain't, he ain't eating when he gets there. That's getting, getting there first is something. Yeah. Not to, you know, it's something. Not to belittle that. Not that much. It's. He might, he might just be in the wrong sport. There are sports that cater to such things. Yeah, I know. It's called long distance running. And if you ever want to be wowed by 8 year olds, watch him run the 1500. So it's insane. Like you're just sitting there watching 8 year olds going in a circle as your life. It's actually watching your life sort of spiral down the toilet. You know what I mean? Like what lap are they on? I don't know, it's either 11 or 13. I don't know what lap they're on. And they just keep going and going and going. Has he ever done gone off like track? Yeah, he, he did speed for good instead of evil. He, he does track, but he does long distance. I understand. And the long distance, the thing about the track is they do, they go, look, we're doing the, the 440. We do it 7:00am and then the 880 reload play. We do it 6:35 that evening and then he's in both. So you're just there like you're just sitting at Valley College in the bleachers for nine hours with some of the worst parents on the planet. Because track parents are the worst. Why are they worse than any other? They're bad because they have nothing to cheer for. Oh. They sit there for hours on end just getting surly and eating and baking out in the sun and the next thing you know, you get in an argument over whose fucking Dodger pillow that was. Well, you. You like being surly and eating and arguing. You should fit right in. Yeah, it's awesome. You know what you do in between the races? You take the kid to a bar, let him stand next to the seat, let him stand next to a stool, let him look at a beer. Yeah. You want to watch Daddy forget? Then you get into this thing, and I. I swear to God. God. My son. Now, this is. He. He makes the. The. I don't want to call it the nationals or make, but he's good enough to go to the next level. All right. Yeah. Yeah. But the next level is always further away and takes longer. And I'm always kind of hoping he rolls an ankle or something, we can go home. He comes in eighth. I think this was in my book. He comes in eighth place, and I've been there all goddamn day. And of course, I say, all right, eighth place. Eighth out of nine. Not too shabby. They reversed order. You'd be getting the silver right now. I'll pull the car around, and my wife's like, podium ceremony. Oh. And I'm like, podium ceremony. Eighth place. Oh, yeah. The. The first guy standing on a. Pardon a pun, a riser. It's. It's three foot off the ground. Then we move down to two foot, then one foot, then the other guy. The. The guy in, like, fifth place is just standing on a cookie sheet. And for my son, they had to dig a hole. Yeah, it just had his chin. You just see his chin just. Just hanging out on the grass like Ziggy. It's like, literally, like, telling kids, great. Get on your knees. You lay on your face. Hold still. Jesus Christ. And you signed off on what was essentially a participation dream. I. I said to my wife, well, can we. Can we go? And she's like, not till after. Or this. You know, they have a ceremony. Yeah, it's a ceremony saying, you've done nothing today, essentially. I mean, it's a ceremony. It must. It must be exhausting to be you. Oh, my God. Everything is upsetting. Everything's upsetting. I don't know why you leave the house. I'll be quite honest with you. I think your best bet. That's my argument. When the clock goes off, shut it off, throw it out the window and stay there, because it's not going well. It seems this is just a prop. No, no, I promise. Professional observation. I promise. I notice everything. That's the. That's the problem. That's wrong. But Also, what my. My main beef is, I treat time like a commodity and everyone else just treats it like it's a ticker tape parade. Like just shove it out the window. Like, who. Who gives a. And so what, you stay here all day or you stay stand next to the thing, you know, like, yeah, what's the difference? And my thing is like, hey, I'm an atheist, man. I'm on the clock, baby. That's why you couldn't have gotten me to be a terrorist when I was 19. Again. 71. Yeah. All right, before we move on, can I pay Paul Reiser a compliment, please? Oh, oh, I'm gonna pay it for him. Whiplash. Yes, that's right. I was gonna say let the man talk. Paul. You. You've been so great in so many movies. Of course, Diner, Adam and I love Aliens, is a great movie. You're great in Aliens. Thank you. But last year, last year you were in one of my all time favorite movies, Whiplash. And you were so great. So thank you. You were great. Yes. So great. I agreed. I had. It's very nice. No, you had it first. But I wrote it. I wrote it. You get credit. I wrote it. You got the same credit. I. One of those movies where at any point in time when you check into it, you're in, I'm in for the rest. For the rest of the movie. Which about the best thing you can say, hey, one thing about a movie, and I don't want to spoil alert too many people out there, but. And Brian, I don't know if you see, I got. I wrote it down because I don't know if I'm going to be able to pronounce it. The Revenant. Yeah. What about it? The Revenant. Yeah. I'm not going to say that. All right. I'm not going to give much away. We know the man was violently raped by a bear. That much we know. He was. Leonardo DiCaprio was attacked by a bear. Seduced. He. Yeah, he was pummeled pretty good by bear. But he might have been inviting trouble. Yes. The way he was sitting in the forest. Why. Why blame the bear? Yeah, yeah, listen, he should have been wearing those pelts so tight, he was basically asking for it. Give the signals, do you guys. Maybe this is just me, but do you ever find yourself agreeing with the guy who's clearly the asshole of the movie? Yes, yes, of course. So DiCaprio gets brutally and violently hit by a bear. I mean, big time Kodiak with claws that are 4 inches long and he gets the shit kicked out of him and his trachea and his back and everything. And, and they're, they're in that thing where, you know, the thing takes place in 1807 or 1791 or 1831 or whatever, whatever it is. Which, by the way, it's funny because Mike was saying, well, where were they? And I was like, it was 1801. Who gives a. Anywhere. The Goodman, Middle and Encino. There was no Encino. Like, oh, they shouldn't have gone to the Shell station and called somebody like Times Square. They're just everywhere, right? Didn't matter. And everything was just a big snowy mess. It was like just they're walking through Pennsylvania or something. They have. I don't know what, but there's engines everywhere. That's what they call them. They had a good 12 day walk with no supply or food to get to the fort. And they got to do the thing where they take the guy who's either going to be dead tonight or this time tomorrow or if we ever make it back to the Fort court with him, sepsis is just going to kick in. He's going to die of infection or whatever. It's not like there's a world class Cedar Sinai healthcare center where you'd be helicoptered in or something. He's gonna die. Either he dies now or he dies in four days. And they do that thing where they, they make the stretcher out of logs they drag and they like cover him in pelts and the guys are like carrying him, you know, this guy DiCaprio is no flyweight, by the way. He's got like eight pounds worth of beard on him. You know, he's. They're dragging him. They're trying to get up the snowy mountain. They're slipping and he's sliding down and then the bad guy is going, look, he ain't gonna make it. And we're all not gonna make it. So why don't we just put a bullet in his head? And I'm sitting there watching the TV going, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I got a screener going. Definitely put the musket ball on the guy's head so that everyone can live. And then everyone's like, are you kidding me? By the way, I would have been the biggest pussy pioneer in the world. I'd just be like, let's definitely kill him and maybe even eat him. I. Pussy. Pussy Pioneer, I think was the actual name of a feature. Pussy Pioneer. Yes. I. I don't know. Maybe John Candy's last movie. I Think disappointing that that's what the man left us with. So much good work. Work. Yeah. It's quite a legacy left behind. So the super, the head of all the pioneers, is like, why don't we just put a, you know, you know, a beaver pelt over his head and take him out of his misery? And I'm watching, going, absolutely. I'd definitely be down with this guy. And everyone's looking. I'm like, hey, head, shut up. But I'm like, yeah, choke him out. Make a lot of sense. Yeah. The thing that was weird about that movie is, you know, DiCaprio's put on a couple of pounds over the years. Yeah. Maybe it's just me, but crawling on my elbows through snow for a couple of weeks and eating grubs, I feel like I'd lose a couple of pounds. Trim, trim off. Not so much for DiCaprio. We hung on to it. He should have been more willowy, like a little bonier. I'm just saying, if any of us just decided to sleep in our yard for a week and just eat whatever we could find in our yard yard, I feel like it'd be a pretty effective way to drop £20. That's just me. That's your next book. Diet book in the yard. That's right. And I hear there's not a ton of dialogue. Not, not, not, not. Not a ton. Unless you like just hearing DiCaprio groan in pain so much. That's all right. I watched it with my boy. I, I don't know that I'm gonna see that movie, because I saw the trailer and, and it was. It was almost too much for me. I would just the killing and, and to lying in the dirt. I, I, you know, I wouldn't mind the bear so much as putting soil on my head. That. Yeah. No. And if, if. Now, if I was wounded and they were going to kill me, I would say, you know what? You're not wrong. Go ahead, do it. But as an actor, he's got to do that. And they go, we're going to break for lunch, Leo. And then they got. He's got to eat a tuna sandwich. Right. Come back the next day, put more dirt on him. That's the part that would talk me out of that. Now, I have not been offered a lot of movies like that, but I'm just saying it'd be a wasted call, not doing. Doing it just for these soil movements. The hardest part of any of those right now, of any of those movies, is watching the actor slobber because when actors, the one thing they ain't faking is the slobbering part. When they're like on their back. Okay. Yeah. And they're screaming around like Reservoir Dogs when the guy's shot and they see this foam coming from the mouth. They took a foam pill or that cgi. That's real spittle. Spittle, yeah. That's where the real acting starts. The bear is fake, but the spittle's real. And that's what freaks me out. Yeah. As long as we're talking about movies real quick, I saw a movie today. Oh, really? Did anybody else see Star wars yet? Adam, I know you're not big into Star Wars. Your kids are going to friggin love it. It's. It's quite good, I must say. I would like to pay my family a compliment for a change. Before I came here tonight, I looked at my wife because Mike August was standing in our living room and he was talking Star Wars. And my wife said, not interested. And then we looked at the two kids and they went, not interested either. And I thought, thank Christ. Thank fucking Christ. I did. I took a moment, Paul, of all the complaining and all the stuff, and I said, nobody under this roof gives a about Star Wars. But then my son said something smart, which I agree with, which he said, I don't really care about Star wars, but it looks like a pretty good action movie. And I said, yeah, well, for that reason, I'm in the, the, the love scene between. Spoiler alert, guys, I'm sorry, between Princess Leia and Chewbacca is distracting. It is distracting. Did it seem out of place somehow? It's, it's erotic and effective, but distracting. Good movie. What would you give it on a rotten tomato meter? Oh, it's, it's, it's worth the 95%. It's an excellent action movie. It's hard to compare it against the movies that have been with us for decades and part of the zeitgeist. But it's really, really good. By the way, they're all so pissed they're going to bum rush you over a fake spoiler. All right, I deserve it. Should we play a little what can Adam complain about? Let's do it. Yes. Stuff. The world is full of it and one man can complain about it all. This is what can't Adam complain about? Thank you, Paul. In this game, we listeners suggest topics that Adam cannot possibly complain about, and he dazzles us by complaining about them. Steve of Whittier, California suggests you can't complain about NFL Sunday Ticket. Yes, I can. I'll tell you why. Two reasons why I signed up for this GD NFL Sunday ticket. Well, let's say. What was it, Gary? About halfway. More than halfway in the season. Probably about three or four weeks ago. 10 weeks into the season. It's probably week six. Yeah, hold on. You said three or four weeks ago. Sorry, you're right. No, 10. What are. What are we now? No, we're at. We're at 12 or 13 now. So you're probably right. I was doing the math wrong. What's that? This week is week 15. All right, put the mic down. Fantasy playoffs 10 games into the season. Because I've only been having these things for three or four weeks. I signed up for it, and I said to the guy who was signing me up for it, not the guy from DirecTV, I said, they don't prorate it. I'm sure they just charge you for the season. And he said. And I went, are you fucking kidding me? There's no way they're not gouging you for the whole season. Meaning I've said I'm watching less than half of the season. The package is 389 bucks. It's not like they're going to charge me 175 or whatever it is. They're definitely going. They're definitely going. And the worst thing that ever happened to me is. You guys know how much I hate baseball, right? Yes. Okay. I hate baseball, and I hate all-662, 62,000 games that are played every year because none of them count for anything. And as I like to say to my friends are like, huge Red Sox fans. They're, like, bummed out after the Sox lose. And I'm always like, pivotal game 27 out of the 162. Pivotal game 120. 27. So. All right. My friend Daniel stayed at my house when I had a house in Sherman. Oh, back when I had a life. It was called the party house. We had a basketball hoop there and a swimming pool, and we used to have fun there. And he stayed there when he came in from New York and he signed up for the mlb, the Major League Baseball package, which of course I paid for because I was paying for the thing. And then he moved out, and he moved out, and at some point, about three games into the next season, I said, oh, shit. They just automatically re upped me for another 162 games of watching fat Dominicans eat sunflower seeds. I want nothing to do with this. And I called DirecTV and I said, no, no, no, no, no. And they're like, yeah, sorry, yeah, auto renewal. Yeah. Which we're already in. It was the. It was the. It was the cable version of the parking meter mate, saying, I already started riding. Like, oh, yes, I'm sure. Yeah. I love it when things that benefit the people go. Yeah, it's Our policy is we. We renew without notification, and then once you get two games in, you can't cancel. You got to. You got to pay for the whole fucking 162. It's basically this. So they didn't prorate it for the football. No, no. Goddamn prorating. Even though it's got the word pro right in there. And the other thing drives me insane is it's basically the same. Same thing of, like, if you ever lease a car. Car. I leased my dad a car for three years. They gave him 36,000 miles. He drove it like, 27ft. He turned, actually the odometer. The longest he ever drove it was returning it to the dealership. And then I do the thing where it's like, all right, you go one mile over 36,000 miles, and you. You rape me over the hood of the car until my wallet falls out. I'm turning a car in with 19,000 miles less than what I already paid for. How about you kick something back? Yeah, that goes against our policy. Yes, your policy seems to. Seems to. Yes, it tilts a certain direction. So fuck everyone in your policies. Thank you. Next one. Melinda of Ontario wants to know, how can you complain about a warm toilet seat? Oh, it's a good one. What was the warm toilet seat? The warm toilet seat. Well, first off, wait, is it warmed mechanically or. Somebody was there. Well, that's the whole thing. We should make that distinction. That's a very big difference. That's the deal. You ever been to Japan? No. You should go just to take a dump. It's the most unbelievable thing. I don't think I can hold it. All right, I'll take a new job. I'll take a new shit. They got the best toilets there. That's. Everyone says that. Yeah. You know, they say you judge a society by its prisons. I think it's. By its shitters. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because I agree. Like, I've done. We've all had this experience, this. That you're. You're on top of the world, looking down on creation, and then you bottom out immediately. Like, you use the toilet in an airport or something, and you sit down and you go, oh, warm toilet seats. Living large. And Then you see the fat trucker washing his hands and like, ah, man, that guy's big ass was just on. On this thing. Yeah. I want a toilet seat that's heated, but I want it authentically heated. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want you coil in it. Yeah. I just had an idea. I use a guy to break in my loafers. Right, Paul, I see where you're going with this. I like it. And because. Because it's belt tightening time, I decided to make the same dude my dog walker. Oh, that's only. That only makes sense. Yeah. Because you're gonna be breaking in my loafers. Why not have the dog attached to you? Breaking in your loafer sounds like a euphemism. You mean actually just breaking in your loafers? Yeah. Have a guy. Okay. It's good. The Italian stuff takes a couple of weeks. Why not warm up the toilets? Is that where you're going? That's what I'm saying. Why does that. That guy's got to take a. Every once in a while. He's walking anyway. Yeah, let him walk into the bathroom. Just sit on the throne and keep it humanly warm. Now, obviously, I'll have to shave him and we'll have to take care of him because they'll have to. There's certain. You know, obviously, I don't want to find a stray pube on the seat that's not my own. You know what you're saying, Paul? No. This is taking a whole turn, this conversation. Yeah, I. I so miss the NFL talk. Is it important one way or the other if he actually takes a. Or just sits on. No, he can't. Oh, no, it's better if you just sit. No shitting. Just sitting. You know, I left my children tonight to come here, and they're both very, very ill. They have. One has a terrible whooping cough. The other is just. Just not. Not, not happy. You want my guy? I said I have to go and drive an hour to hear Adam talk about shit. And you know what they said, dad? You got to do what you got to do. So God bless him. You. You want my guy to walk up. Can I just call them? Because. But thank God, because I could have missed this and. All right, do you want to know the first time I didn't go to Japan, but I went to. I went to the Riga Royal in New York City back when it was the Riga Royal. And that was the first time I ever experienced a toilet seat that shoots you in the ass. Couple things. First off, Jimmy Kimmel, later on bought me one. It comes with a wireless rock remote. And I think that my. I, I, I love the concept of a remote, like, as it pertains to, like, a garage door for sure. Because you pull up at night, you don't want to get out of your car, go into a house, push a button from the toilet in the tv. There's many things that are good, but when you're sitting on a toilet and there's a button just to your left, but there's also a wireless remote that comes with it. First off, no good could come of this. I was gonna say, Kimball's quite the prankster. Maybe it's meant to be used. Someone else is in. Yes, exactly. You're out in the garage and you shoot somebody in the ass from. It's funny. It's also funny that the symbol on it is a seal with a ball on its nose. Like, it can't, it can't have a dilated or anything like that. I don't even know how that would read. But it's gotta have, like, a seal. But maybe just put nothing on it. It's kind of my, My feeling. But there's no there. There is one moment, like, you know, when people, like, they go, hey, man, I do skydiving because I know it makes you know you're alive, right? You know you're alive. That's that rush. It's that feeling. So whatever. That moment of anticipation the first time you sit on one of those toilets and hit the go button, where you're going to get the hot stream, right. You know, and you're not shot. Sure. Are we going anus? Are we going back Sack? Like, where are we going here? Am I positioned right? 3. Well, they have a separate thing for women, and they have a little button. And like, here, this is a clean. This is for general. This is for. I think that's pretty presumptuous that it would. It could gauge because everybody's different and said, you know what? That should do it. Nope, that should do it. Yeah. Everybody's different. And yet they go, nah. I got to say, I was really insulted when it kept insisting on moving forward. And I was like, no, it's just cold. Do you have to buy two different toilet seats, a male and a female toilet? No, it, the thing that sprays it just knows. Oh, it just like cosmic do in Japan. Yes. And by the way, they're not. They're those people right now. You don't like Japan now? No, I'm saying there are, there are 135 pounds. They're hairless. You know what I mean? They're like, they're basically. They're the human version of one of those hypoallergenic cats. You know what I mean? If there was ever a culture that didn't need to be shot in a coulee, it was those people, you know? You tell me. The Italians, the Greeks, the Armenians, the Jews, you know, that's, that's a group that needs to be shot in the ass. Ironic that the, the culture that needs the least bit of mopping up back there. And I'm, I mean that as, As a fan. Yeah. I'm saying that as a fan. As a fan. A fan of the rectal area of the, of the Japanese people. I'm going to put you on your resume. I'm going to put you on a spot. Hobbies include enjoying the hairy asses of a different culture. I'm going to put you on the spot. Sure. All right, I, you got to. Do I have to drop my pants? Oh, look, I. People are eating, but I'm just saying. Paul R. Sir? Go ahead. You have to handle that, that, that unit. That portion of, Of a guy. I have to. Yes. One guy said come down and talk to you. I didn't realize. It's the hypothetical. I just thought it was a. There's a hypothetical. Oh, hypothetical. Okay. It's the hypothetical. All right. One, one dude is named Toshika Uhhuh. He's from Tokyo. Okay. And the other guy is named Amir Uhhuh. And. Are you just flipping a coin? I don't think so. Paul Reiser. Wow, you're judging. No. You know. Okay. All right, you make a point. I make a very valid, valid point there. That's why they're number one. That's why we're number one. All right, you know what? Yes. I just, I just need a minute to shake that image from my head. Okay, go ahead. It's gonna take, it's gonna take a while. Yeah. The toilet also follow up with like a blow dry, the one I had. Just. It has that. But, you know, I, I, I, I, I was afraid of it, frankly. I just think things can go wrong and I'd rather be a little damp than. You don't want a rectal bur. Yeah. Okay. All right, what else we got? All right, next one. This is a tough one. This is from Jeff and Betsy of San Diego. Oh, how can you complain about people that do your best? Brian? Yeah. Is there one that has to do with toys on there? What is this? What's the next one? That's the next one. You want that? Oh, it's the first one. I don't want. Yeah, give me. Give me the next one. All right. Oh, don't. Oh, no, don't get me drunk. I'll take a sip. That's a lot. Sorry. Yes, sorry. Rick of Long beach slash Palmdale. Is Rick here? Where is Rick? There he is. Way back there. Rick. Because it's a Christmas season, okay? How can you complain about Toys for Tots? Impossible. That's all they do is good charity for the needy. First off, do we. We don't even have tots anymore, do we? I don't know what we have. We have homeless. I don't know. We have tots. What are, by the way, when you stop being a tot, I think. Stop being a tot at what age? 36 months. 36. 36 months. Do you guys say three years? But it's not the same. Okay, so 36 months is when you stop being a tot. I guess. I don't feel like you need toys when you're 11 months old or 21 months old, you know, I mean, all you do is choke on at that age. No, that's well taken. And speaking of that, I did get. Somebody did tweet me this one, and then I went on Amazon and looked them up. That whole thing that my sister got my kids, I got twins. Well, you saw them. We came over to Rosenthal's place. I was very fond of both of them. They're. They're great. What did your sister get? They're delights. She got them the little mini market set. If. I swear, if you go online, they have the whole thing. It's like 111 pieces. It's carrots, it's melons, it's miniature hot dog dogs. It's. It's all broccoli and broccoli and all this stuff. It's all made of plastic. It's all chokeable. And it's the most insane gift you can get a human being because the two year old is taking the carrot and the two year old is sitting there in daddy's office. And it's got the plastic carrot, by the way. Everything's made in China. Everything's covered in lead and sars. Like you can it. It doesn't even leave the Chinese factory before a guy's like, hold up, did you spray it? Did you dip that in sars? I. I was taking a. On a warm toilet seat back there. Does anybody. Right back to The SARS right back. All right, back to the SARS and the lead paint. And then so the kids. So I got my two year old twins and they're sitting there and they're gnawing on the little plastic piece of broccoli, cauliflower, broccoli, melon, carrots, asparagus, everything. It's made of plastic. It's the real size. And they're eating it and you got to run in and slap it out of their hand. Get, get, get. No, no, no, no, you'll choke. No, get away, get away, get away. And then 20 minutes later, you're sitting at a dinner table and you're putting the exact same thing in front of him except for the real carrot. And you're going, eat it. Come on, eat it. Come on, eat it. Take a bite. And the kid's like, aren't you going to slap this shit out of my hand again? You're like, no, no, no, no. This you eat. It's a mixed message. You think a fucking two year old can figure that one out? And do the math on that. Why is this not illegal? Like, seriously, like, I'm, I'm. Look, I'm, I'm all for, you know, I wanted my kid to have a beer at the bar with me yesterday. That's how much I'm into it. I want to get up on it and go all coyote ugly on the bar. But as long as we're living in a world that outlawed a game called lawn darts 28 years ago, and choking is like the number one killer of children under five, why is it legal to sell them plastic food that is the exact same size and looks exactly the same as the real food. We then beg them to eat before and after they put that mouth. And of course they're going to put it in their mouth. But when they're two, they put car keys in their mouth. My much less that's shaped like miniature sliders. You know what they got to do? It's like airsoft guns. They got to put a little orange circle around the end of the broccoli so they can identify. So a cop doesn't think, hey, that's real broccoli, you know, it's a fake broccoli. Nobody gets hurt on the tip. But also. Yeah, but I'm just trying to help you out here. I know, but does anyone go like, oh, man, I had a marvelous childhood those days back before mom and dad got divorced and we had all that, that plastic produce flying around. Like, does anyone look back, oh, those, those Were literally the salad days. Oh, don't get me started. We had plastic corn dogs, plastic tacos, plastic carrots. Like, is this a rich, fulfilling part of anyone's childhood? We were walking in high plastic cotton. Yes. Why does this exist? I swear to God. You go, go home. Home. Google this. Go to Amazon. You will see 128 of these things all in one pack. And it's all you're begging them to eat at all points of the day. All right. Toys for tots. Ah. Oh, yeah. Can I say this? The. The pox I would like. How old are your kids, Paul? 20 and 15. Not tots. Not tots, not tottenham. Nuts. You may have avoided all this super cheap from China where they show up with like Susie tie dye set and it comes with 128 little squirt dye packages and rubber bands. People get. They get your kids this and you're like, why don't you just get me divorced and destroy my kitchen? Because the whole thing is like, well, what, what do you do? Well, you boil a pot of water, then you add the coloring, then you take the T shirt and you do the rubber band. And all there is is rubber bands and color little packets and all over the place. The real. If you really love kids, the gift you get them is the one that gets them in the backyard. So daddy can sit on his heated toilet seat like you get him a. Get them something to kick in a circle. Yeah, I'm telling, telling you, this is why Mexico invented soccer. Get kids outside. They're like, what Cost almost no money. You can play on dirt. It's one piece. It's one piece. There's no helmet involved. There's no under armour involved. There's no anything involved. What can keep an entire village busy for one entire day while we go in the house? And what else? What can we do? How about it? How about this? We take one ball and we just throw it out in the. We just throw it out in the yard and that's it. And by the way, I said yard. I use yard loose. I mean land. We just throw the ball out there and it just. Oh, oh, let's see. Make a goal out of that 55 gallon drum. And that cartel guy got his head cut off. Yeah, those would be the. The two. Yeah. Oh, another side. Use the guy's head and then use the duffel bag that we found it in. Oh, that'll be good. Okay, so then that'll be that goal. And then that'll be that goal. And then go ahead. All right. Ready? We must protect this casa. It is the game. This is why we're not. We're not good at soccer. We got too much going on over here. This is. It has to come from a place where they need to stay busy. For millions. Broccoli is hurting the soccer level. Yes. That's interesting. You're not wrong, is there? I'm not saying you're wrong. I just haven't seen that. I'm just saying, is it. Is it. How many is it? Who has kids? Is anyone. Is anyone. Got this piece of shit thing and then what? Why do you have to constantly slap. And again, it's not like 2 year olds like plastic broccoli. You're not doing them any favors. Give them a fucking choo choo train. Give him a soccer ball and tell them to hit the yard. Yeah, someone's waving back there. Yeah, I'm getting the right here. So basically what you're saying is the tots. The tots. Wow. No, no, what I'm saying is the tots are good. Now, everyone. Now the tots. This is. There, there's no, there's no need of. Hold on. I don't like this where some country singer has a concert and is like, if you all coming out, bring some toys and drop them in the receptacle and bring some. Bring some canned goods for the veterans. Like, hey, garth, you grow $72 million on this tour. How about you buy a can of garbanzo beans for some of the homeless people out there. I just got gouged on StubHub for this and I got to bring over a can of beans. Seats? More like inconvenience fee. Yeah. How about. I'll tell you what. How about you do your Tour, you gross $72 million and you take 2% and give it to the homeless veterans. Communication community. And I won't have to fill up this 55 gallon drum on the way in. How about that? It's a good plan. Yeah. Or just take every nickel you make from a T shirt that costs you $4 and you're charging 26.50 down at the thing. Go ahead. How about you put that. How about you put your big fat mouth in a barrel? How about you take that barrel? I'll tell you what, we'll put a barrel out front of the concert, you drop your fucking black American Express card in it and we'll buy those homeless people some shit. How about that ass wife? Give me a fucking break. You can call it a night. Yes. All right. I never. I. I don't I don't get all that. Bring it down. Like, that's fine. But that's, that's. You're making millions of dollars on the tour. And you know, the other thing that I think is just a gross misrepresentation. There's so many businesses, big corporate businesses that ask you at the checkout, like, do you want to donate a dollar? Do you want to do this, do you want to do that? And then that company donates it in their name. Oh, really? Yes. I had a manager, I always suspected and they never tell you, but I had a manager once who every year for Christmas would make the donation to the system. Fibro. Fibrosis, whatever. In my name. And it's like, I'm sure the guys at the cystic. Fibrosis. Fibrosis. So I can't even say it. Foundation are like sitting there going, oh, great. Corolla gave us $9 again. It's so awesome of him. Perhaps we got a fourth TV show. We'll get up to around $10 next year. Can I say this? With your foundation, you got to make it pronounceable. Okay. I was sitting around yesterday with my assistant and I'm getting ready to do the Toyota Grand Prix Long Beach. I don't like to talk about it. You know, just this one. Have you ever participated before? You know, after winning the Celebrity and then coming back and dominating in the pro division, I just. Again, it's. For those of you who are listening, there's a guy twice twisting my arm right now, just wrenching my arm right now. It's so brutal. I, I don't, I really don't like to talk about it, but what do you do? 20 minutes? What do you have to do? Well, in, in the past, all you had to be is a C or D list celebrity to do it. They say that this race is going to be their 40th year. They say it's going to be their last race. Wow. And. And they're only bringing back past winners. So it's going to be some sort of all star C minus list celebrity race. I think you're too big a celebrity. So you're actually in the car racing. I would be in the car racing. That's what I was trying to ascertain. And I was sitting there and I had the piece of paper they need to notify in case of emergency and stuff. You got to fill out a bunch of paper, paperwork. Right. Because they're lawyers, it's a race car, blah, blah, blah. And at some point there's the box that says, what charity are you playing for? So if you win, and I only won twice, so it's just two donations. Two donations. But if you win, your charity gets the $10,000 or whatever they give your charity. So they want to know in advance if you do win what the chance charity is. And my wife's brother is schizophrenic, so her charity is schizophrenia. Foundation of whatever. Now you got to picture me with my eighth grade education lausd, and I'm like, I'm playing for the shit. I'm racing for the gets a s shit. Now you're talking. A guy who was never able to TiVo entourage because I was putting it my queue. Oh, and on. On tour. O n t o n t r a a o a u a u a u n t No u h u What's wrong with this Tebow? O h n on ter a o n o o o n t on ter t e r like the TVs broken, will not let me watch Entourage. So you're talking to that guy. That's who you're dealing with here, Paul. So I'm sitting there with my pen all licked up. Nobody licks any pencils anymore. They used to lick pencils. It meant business, you know. And I lick my pencil at some important, important. All right, let me lick this. How did that help? I don't know how licking pencils help, but if anything, I only did it when it was important. It just brings you closer to your own death. Yeah, well, by the way, sucking the lead. Speaking of lead poisoning, right? So you're just sitting there, and I'm just sitting there going, schizophrenia. It's got to be a K in there. Yes, Yeah. S skit, skit. S K S H S H, S k S C. They make you spell it out. And I go, fuck it. I'm playing for the catholic little big brothers. Like, that's who I'm driving for. I literally these guys out of their potential race money because I can't spell schizophrenia. And I don't think anyone who has it can either. You're playing for aaa. Yeah. Oh, it was almost three other lads letters. Oh, yeah. Start with a K. Anyway. Oh, they got a foundation. Listen, they got kids too. Yeah. Educational wing. Yeah. The point is this. We're building a bridge here, people. The point is, is don't make your. Yeah, yeah. Toys for tots. That's what I should have done because I think I could pull that one off even phonetically. Schizophrenia. And don't look down your Semi drunken noses at me. You guys couldn't hash, folks. I gave you all golf pencils right now and a little buck slip put your ass on the line. You write down schizophrenia for me. I'll give you, I'll give you 10 minutes to think about. And it's right up there with mesothelioma. Yes. I can't win any money for that foundation either. My own leather choices by the 200 commercials I see every afternoon, I'm guessing they're doing okay. So when they ask you what, what charity, it's not enough just to say it. They, they make you spell it. You got to write it, you know, write it out. It's a, it's a piece of paper. I tried yelling at the paper. God knows Paul, this is why God knows cars. It's exactly. It's the written exam that scares me. Yeah. More than anything, it's the written exam. Yeah, I know. Have you ever. If you guys are like. Back when I was in school, they had the Scantron sheets. Oh yeah. You had to get the number two pencil. All right. By the way, you know, we in historically we talk about guys that have been, you know, like Tesla, Tesla invaded, invented, like I don't alternating current. But then Edison came in at D.C. or whatever and then, you know, historically got. How about the guy who invented the number one and the number three pencil? He's like, look, the number one pencil will never do better than that. It sells itself. It's number one. Number one's right in the, the title. Just call it a pencil. Now I'll tell you what, just as a fail safe, we'll do a number three, right. But we'll always podium and we don't even need a number two because who would use number two when there's number one? Number two. That's. And you have a super low self esteem or there's a tsunami or something. Then we'll have these threes set aside. Anyway, that's how it probably went. They're not all going to stick the landing, but you may pretty good point. They're super. Some guy out there who invented the number one pencil is still feeling it this day. Right. All right. I had this misfortune. I was actually in some office somewhere in North Hollywood high putting the Scantron sheets through the electronic grater like where you actually. They pile up and it's like you feed them through. Yeah. And you know, I had like two Asian kids in front of me in front of Mike. I got to pass my card through this thing and it Was like, Cynthia Nagatani went in front of me as. Like, as I passed through. It's like, tink, Tink. It makes a little noise. It makes a little noise, and it makes a wrong. Like a wrong. A wrong answer. Gets a little tick. Tink, Tink. And I was like, all right. She just missed four out of 50 or whatever. Maybe four out of a hundred. And then Isawa Akamoto or whatever went the next. There was a guy I knew in high school, and it was like. Just went through, thought it was broken. Pass it through again, like, Tink. Then mine. Oh, man. Lit it up like a pinball machine. I was like. Things said tilt on the sides. Like, the smoke started coming out. Things said it needed to take a break. You got a free game. The actual machine said it needed counseling. It went. Wanted to talk to somebody. There's specialists who can come in, like, after shooting or something like that. Did you use the correct pencil? Because if you use the one. I may have used a one or three. Yeah. Right out of a career right there. What I did is I took the three and I broke it in half. And I'm like, maybe I can get, like a one and a half out of this. I used two number ones simultaneously. I think that was the problem. Yeah. All right. Shall we. Should we do a little news? Gina Grant. Let's do it. Give me the news with Grat. News with Gina Grad. Showbiz Congress Tech news, Sports news, World news. Give me news with Gina Grad. With Shit out of Florida Sex surveys. Obama meet. News with Gina Gina Grad. The news with Gina Grad. Well, I wanted to start with this one because I really wanted to get Brian and Adam and Paul's take on this. According to a news station study, it's totally normal to imagine your wife dead. And actually, this fantasy could even be good for your relationship by imagining your wife not in your life. It's. I've done it, but. And of course I do it. She said, imagine Adam, not fantasize. Sure, we have sex, but we're not, like, in any weirdo positions or anything. I just want you to know that. Right. I'm with you right up front. We're not doing anything that she wouldn't have agreed to if she was with us. So I just want you to know it's coming from a place of respect, but go ahead. Consistent. Okay. Is that. That's what we're talking about? Yes, 100%. Yeah. Imagine that. It's. It's basically a gratitude thing that if she wasn't in your life. It makes you appreciate her more being alive and with you. But don't we all? Like, I, I, I do. I do that on occasion. But I think I picture myself self dead a lot more to say. Yes, you go all Jimmy, hit the exit button yourself. Say, you know what? Let her deal with this. I'm just going to step check out. Well, I mean, you know, there's a pretty good chance I could be attacked by a bear. Yeah. After you saw the revenant. Yeah, I saw that last night. So I'm sort of running serpentine to the car tonight. But do you think your wife would make that extra effort to drag your ass up the hill after the bear attacked you? Or she would just say, you know, she'd be the first one to say, listen, this may sound heartless, but what if we leave him? Yeah. You know, not to be insensitive, but he's a big, heavy guy. Yeah. It's not like he was enjoying life that much. Yeah. He's always complaining about we're almost doing him a favor. Right. Yeah. In that case, I think it would make sense leaving you with the bear in the woods and you can see if he shits or not. Yeah. And then somebody. You can settle that once and for all. Somebody be like, yeah, but Lynette, do you really think it's fair to just hammer lay there and suffer? And she'd be like, absolutely not. Let's drop a boulder on his head. Yeah, she's humane. You're right. You're absolutely. All right. So now we all know nobody does it. It shouldn't be done. Well, but doesn't everybody have a sort of that about everything? Like this sort of thing? It's like, I'll give you an example. Anytime there's ever an airline disaster, they interview the people who are going to pick up the people at their airport. And they're like, I had a thought. I had an eerie premonition, an eerie harbinger. Well, it's. It's just at some point, the way our psyche is wired, every time you go to the airport to pick someone up, there is some sort of weird thing like, oh, my God, what if the unthinkable happened? And then if it does, you can get interviewed and you can go, oh, I'm Yuri Geller. Like, I had this thought. I do that. I do that with my kids from the moment they were born. I laid out a list of ways that they might hurt themselves. Not that I was obviously wishing on them. I was just saying, got to move that it's like baby proofing the world. So you got a really sharp object. And then of course, every time they get hurt, I go, I saw that coming. I saw it coming. Right? I am Kreskin, right? It was a hard wall. He walked into it. I knew it. It took nine years, but he got to it. And, and Paul's dad, Paul's kids, by the way, are like, next time you see something coming, how about you interrupt me from watching? How would they going to learn the dinosaur train and tell me when the street sweeper is going to run me over in advance. In advance next time. I didn't think of that part. Yeah, I just, I just clocked it as a possibility. Right? All right. Another live show with Paul Reiser joining them on stage. Paul famous for Mad about you, of course, Aliens. One of the greatest rules of all time. Many other movies and projects including Boxes by Love. Really hard to track down. Really talented guy, really fun appearance. I hope everyone listens, has a merry Christmas and you enjoy the clips. And for everybody that celebrates all the other holidays, Happy holidays to all of you. Until next time. And get it on. Did you know you can watch all your favorite crime shows for free on Pluto tv? Totally free. Totally free. They've got CSI New York, ncis, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods Tracker, FBI, swat, all for free. There's something suspicious going on here. Nothing suspects suspicious. 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