Pat O’Brien + Adam Ray (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Pat O’Brien + Adam Ray (Carolla Classics)

PodcastOne / Carolla Digital – August 23, 2025
Classic Episodes 1207 & 1210 (2013)

---

Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics installment features two popular episodes from 2013, highlighted by extended appearances from sportscaster Pat O’Brien and comedian Adam Ray. True to the show’s signature blend of no-holds-barred humor and conversational tangents, these clips cover a gamut of topics: gift-giving anxieties (notably Adam’s struggle with Jimmy Kimmel’s birthday), domestic mishaps, old-school car culture, addiction and sobriety, the shifting landscape of healthcare, and plenty of riffing on modern life—from sandwiches and snack foods to the strange etiquette of public restrooms. The tone is loose, irreverent, and often nostalgic, with guests and regulars like Allison Rosen, Bryan Bishop (“Bald Bryan”), and Michael “Dawson” Dawson providing rapid-fire banter and memorable moments.

---

Highlights and Key Segments

1. Gift-Giving, Box of the Month, and Jimmy Kimmel’s Birthday

[01:00–07:08]

• Adam struggles to figure out a suitable birthday gift for Jimmy Kimmel, lampooning the challenges of buying for wealthy friends. This leads to the invention of the “Box of the Month Club”—a purposely empty box with an inspirational note about needing nothing.
• Memorable Quote:
  “This is just a box … with an inspirational note: you need nothing. Count your blessings. I could give you a twelve-pack of imported beer, but you can get that at Trader Joe's for nine bucks. This is the gift.”
  —Adam Carolla ([02:09])
• Explores the frustrating search for the "perfect gift"—including an attempt to refurbish Kimmel’s old car, only to find out it was already taken care of by Kimmel’s assistant.

---

2. Domestic Mysteries and ‘Never Satisfying’ Victories

[07:11–17:22]

• Adam recounts a missing house key story. His logical suggestion that the key might be stuck to the underside of the mat is repeatedly dismissed—until he’s proven right.
  Quote:
  “We found the key. Where was it? Stuck to the underside of the mat.”
  —Adam Carolla ([09:42])
• Discussion devolves into why it’s never satisfying to be vindicated in domestic disputes: the reluctance of others to admit they were wrong, and why “currency” in relationships rarely carries over to the next disagreement.
• Allison Rosen’s Life Advice:
  “If it doesn't make you money and it doesn't make you happy, let it go.” ([11:35])

---

3. Food Debates: Grilled Cheese, Quesadillas, and the ‘Butter Sandwich’

[17:22–22:07]

• Adam proposes a culinary paradox: Why is American cheese great in grilled cheese, but “an abortion” in a quesadilla? Panel theorizes it’s the interplay of bread and butter that hides the blandness in a grilled cheese, while in a quesadilla the cheese is exposed.
• The ‘Butter Sandwich’ Debate: Is bread with butter really a sandwich?
  Consensus: Yes, especially if you grew up poor.

---

4. Jo Koy Story and Game Tape Regret

[24:18–28:46]

• Discussing comedic improvisation and “blowing past a moment”—Adam reviews a clip where he missed an opportunity to follow Jo Koy’s lead in an “improv sugar” bit.
• Adam on learning from missed comedic beats:
  “When you're in it, sometimes you're pushing… I was pushing to get him under the counter. That's right. Eye of the Tiger. Breaking down game tape with the Ace man.” ([27:23])

---

5. Legendary Stories: The Coffee Can Fart & Hobo Power

[30:32–35:26]

• The famous “coffee can fart” prank on Kimmel is recounted in detail: “He dove into that can and he just, you know, I mean, he really just, he took it in, nostrils flared. It’s the best part.”
  —Adam ([31:47])
• Hobo Power—a humorous, recurring show metric for rating bad smells—is invoked.

---

6. The Key to Happiness

[37:29–43:28]

• Listener Q: What’s the key to happiness?
  Adam’s take: It’s “not what you accumulate, but how you accumulate it.” Lasting satisfaction comes from earning things, not just possessing them.
• Memorable Quote:
  “Chasing happy is really just chasing, you know, that’s what drugs are for, amusement parks, alcohol… But when you earn it, that's where it feels… the satisfaction.”
  —Adam ([39:49])

---

7. Pat O’Brien on Old Cars, Car Culture, and Sobriety

[45:44–63:54]

• Classic car nostalgia: Adam and Pat reminisce about the tactile, unpredictable experience of driving old cars—manual windows, jiggly keys, bump starting—a lost world of mechanical connection and camaraderie.
• Notable moment:
  “There was a lot more basic communication with others… Pull up at a stoplight, windows down, ‘Hey, nice ride!’”
  —Adam ([48:07])
• Pat O’Brien’s story about late-onset alcoholism:
  “Mine kicked in… when I was 55 or 56, I couldn’t be without it. Once I got home, it was off to the races.” ([58:09])
• Discusses family history of alcoholism, his father smuggling booze in a cane, and the generational silence and shame of addiction.

---

8. Healthcare, Lawyers, and Young People’s Apathy

[64:32–70:48]

• Debates the failings of the healthcare and insurance systems, especially from the young person's apathy toward getting insurance.
• Adam: “If you’re relying on healthy people that are young to do the right thing…look out world.”

---

9. Communal Space Etiquette: Modern Airports, Hotel TVs, and Public Restrooms

[155:00–178:54] (Episode 1210, Adam Ray appearance)

• Adam Ray joins to reminisce about stand-up road gigs, wild bar scenes (mechanical bull riding, public drunkenness), and the surreal ethos of airports as society’s waiting rooms.
• Airport culture lampooned:
  “Airports… it’s just become a flophouse for rich people. You don’t see Whitey flopping out anywhere else like that.”—Adam ([162:22])
• Deep dive into public restroom etiquette, culminating in an argument between Adam Ray and a “bathroom bully” over the right to pee in a stall.

---

10. Pop Culture, Celebrity Anecdotes & Listener Q&A

Episode 1210, [88:32–130:00+]

• David Wild shares his remarkable interview experience with Eddie Murphy.
• Riffing on celebrity signatures (Michael Jordan's creative "23" in his autograph), fashion choices (Michael Jordan wearing shirts of himself), and more.

---

Notable Quotes & Their Speakers

• Adam Carolla:
  • “Gift giving to rich friends is the White Guy’s nightmare.” ([05:18])
  • “Satisfaction trumps happiness. You’ll be happy when you’re satisfied.” ([38:41])
  • “There’s a little compartment in everyone’s brain—you can fill it with God, or superstitions, or Wicca, or Santeria.” ([91:08])
• Pat O'Brien:
  • “My last day of drinking… I drank 10 bottles of wine. One setting.” ([59:22])
• Allison Rosen:
  • “If it doesn’t make you money and it doesn’t make you happy, let it go.” ([11:35])
• Adam Ray:
  • “They took me to this western bar with a mechanical bull… The guy holding the controls holds people’s fate in his hands.” ([143:04])

---

Episode Tone and Takeaways

• The episodes capture The Adam Carolla Show’s trademark style—freewheeling, candid and irreverent—with a focus on relatable everyday frustrations and absurdities.
• Listeners are treated to a blend of ribald humor, social observations, behind-the-scenes anecdotes, and genuine moments of vulnerability (Pat O'Brien’s candid talk about addiction, the honest look at middle-aged anxieties and friendships).
• The mix of nostalgia (for cars, shared public experiences), pop culture, and observational riffing offers both nostalgia and biting modern commentary, emphasizing how much has changed—and how much has stayed the same.

---

Timestamps for Critical Moments

• Kimmel Birthday/Gift Anxiety: 01:15–07:08
• Lost Key Domestic Saga: 07:11–17:22
• Food Debates: 17:22–22:07
• ‘Coffee Can Fart’ & Hobo Power: 30:32–35:26
• Key to Happiness / Satisfaction vs. Happiness: 37:29–43:28
• Pat O’Brien Sobriety Story: 57:09–63:54
• Healthcare & Young People: 64:32–70:48
• Airport/Public Restroom Etiquette: 155:00–178:54
• Adam Ray, Comedy & Road Stories: 138:37+
• Listener Q&A on Podcasting: 121:20–130:12

---

Final Thoughts

The best of Carolla Classics delivers—balancing unfiltered laughs with moments of reflection, and plenty of group therapy for all the irritating parts of 21st-century life. Longtime fans will appreciate the callbacks and chemistry, while newcomers are given an accessible window into why this show remains a podcasting giant.

---

For full laughs and anecdotes, check out the companion episode "Carolla Classics" wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Coral Classics.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and.

[Allison Rosen]

Fans like the clips from all 16.

[Adam Carolla]

Years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral.

[Brian Bishop]

Classics available and free through Podcast one Premium.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you'd like to find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand.

[Brian Bishop]

New podcast Beat it out, check out.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Corolla's substack adamkarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorolo.com let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla Show 1207 featuring Pat O', Brien, Allison Rose and.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla and baldbrain Adam Ben.

[Allison Rosen]

Alex Ungers. Wanted to hear that on Twitter. Hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Miss that little gal. All right, couple things.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, first things first, you're wearing a burgundy shirt, which means either you got a. You're wearing a different shirt for once or you spilled Mangria all over yourself and soaked one of your other shirts. So which, which is it?

[Adam Carolla]

It shall be both before the night is through. Kimmel's birthday today. Tonight, going to Kimmel's house and getting dressed up a little. Never know what celebrities may show up over there. So excited about that. I don't know if I'm just bad or I just spaced out, but I forgot today was Jimmy's birthday and Matt reminded me and then my present got all screwed up. It's really disaster. It's Rich Whitey's nightmare. I got Box of the Month club. I got a. I know. Oh, believe me, I'm working on my Box of the Month club. You get a new box every month.

[Allison Rosen]

It's worth exploring because I thought about this some more. Strangely, you get some like nice wooden boxes. Like wine crates. Technically.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is just a box. This is just a box.

[Dawson]

The point is that it's a box full of nothing. And there is nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll have an inspirational note that'll basically be, you need nothing. Count your blessings. You don't need. I mean, yeah, look, I could give you a 12 pack of imported beer, but you can get that yourself at a Trader Joe's for nine bucks. You don't need that. This is the gift.

[Dawson]

That's the gift of life. You can't give yourself this.

[Adam Carolla]

This thing.

[Dawson]

That's ultimately disappointing.

[Adam Carolla]

So, couple things. Oh, you can email boxofthemonthemcroll.com if you want. We're working on it. I got Mike working on it back there, but all right, either way. So here's what happened.

[Allison Rosen]

Use of billable hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike said, matt the Porcelain Punisher Finaleer. He said, oh, today's Jimmy's birthday. And I went, oh, shit, Jimmy's birthday. And so I called Jimmy and asked him how he's holding up. Said, good. Wish him a happy birthday. Told him about my plan of having Spike Lee tweeting out the six year old's address, who said that all the people in China should be killed. And sort of diverting a lot of the heat away from you and the Chinese folks more towards Spike Lee, which would be the ultimate. And then obviously, he then told me the comical story of a dizzy relative thinking that Spike Lee was a Chinese person. Wow. Well, it makes sense.

[Allison Rosen]

It does. Oh, his name is Lee?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. If you never saw Spike Lee and someone said, a guy named Spike Lee's Lee. Good enough.

[Allison Rosen]

Short guy named Lee.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. Thick glasses.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Anyway, so we had that discussion, and then I said, well, I'll see you Saturday night. And there's some variety. Comic Comedy cares or something. Comedy does a lot, evidently, that I'm unaware of.

[Allison Rosen]

Comedy really cares.

[Adam Carolla]

Really cares. And a bunch of comedians are playing a big thing and I'm doing some stuff and all that. And he said, Saturday night, Aren't we going to see it at night? And I said, what? And then I didn't get the Evite, although I trust him when he says he sent it. So whatever.

[Dawson]

You didn't get it because it arrived on your computer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And then somehow Lynette didn't get it either, though, which was a little bit curious. So we'll be seeing Jim, but now here's where the problem comes in. Where do you get this guy? What do you get Jimmy? He's got everything. And you can't get him the. Oh, find the restaurant he likes and give him the gift certificate to the theater rich guys. The gift certificate goes into the thin drawer in the desk. For some reason. The thing about the thin drawers, you think the deep drawer, nothing gets retrieved from. It's really the thin drawer, the one that's just about an inch deep. When stuff slides to the back, that thin drawer never fully comes out. It's sort of like your tongue in that. You can stick it out as far as you think you can stick it out.

[Dawson]

There's more. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

50% of it's still in your mouth. And that's that drawer. And once that little card slides to the back.

[Dawson]

Lost forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Lost forever. I mean, and it could be 500 bucks over at Mastro's. It doesn't matter. It's the rich guy. He's got a wallet. He's not looking for your card.

[Allison Rosen]

In the spirit of box of the month, could you, like, make a little handwritten sign that IOU1 back rubber. Because that's from the heart, man.

[Dawson]

And that is truly a shitty gift, if that's the point.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not something you can just go and get that has to be offered to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Try to think. Then there's a thing like you gotta use it. So people go, well, you hire the masseuse, and you have the masseuse, you make the appointment to come to his house. And then you think, well, sometimes people already have a person that they work with. And then sometimes people aren't comfortable with people coming to their house, Especially if they're celebrities.

[Dawson]

Yeah, don't foist a gift on him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So then I came up with this great plan. He keeps his old car parked at my other warehouse. And it just kind of sits out there. And I know it's kind of. It's taking a little bit of a beating. And I said, I'm gonna get that thing. What if I give him, like a gift certificate? I'll make him up a thing. I said, I'll get the thing. Oil change, tune up. I'll give it a. I'll have it detailed. I'll get it all done up and I'll put a cover on it and it'll be all nice for when guests coming to town and stuff. People can drive the car and make it all nice. That's. That's practical. That's, you know, it's thoughtful. It's thoughtful. It's, you know, it's 500 bucks maybe, but it's. It's the kind of thing that guy would like taken care of. And then I found out all that shit already got taken care of. About a week ago, his assistant did something. So now I gotta figure out as.

[Dawson]

A birthday gift, same idea as you, or just in the course of.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, did it for him.

[Dawson]

Now, don't be a 1 upper.

[Adam Carolla]

He paid for. Now I'm out back to box of the month again. So I'll work that out. But that's why I'm dressed up, or at least dressed. What did you get now? I don't know. I was just. I was informed moments ago. I'm thinking about set of tires. Sexy, huh? But either way, I'm gonna have.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes something you have to do together is a good thing because that's better than having someone show up to do Adam. I think he hangs out with Kimmel enough.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

For most people, this would not work. But if, you know, for Jimmy, this would work.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'll work it out. The other thing in the file, this under wildly unsatisfying, but I think you guys are with me on this. But tell me if you're not. My wife does this one. So we're standing in the kitchen this evening, and she goes, I was over at the house, and not the house. We're standing in another house. And the key is supposed to be under the mat, but the key's not under the mat. And I saw it under the mat yesterday when I left, and now it's not there. And so the big, long sort of reverse engineering of, well, who went over there? Did Ray go over there? No. Yes, Ray did, but he was let in because Olga was already there and blah, blah, blah. Then I got the Olga thing. No, I looked too. It's nothing. I said, well, look. And we worked this all out. Nobody just ran in, stole the key, and then ran out. If they were going to steal the key, they would have stolen something in the house, but not just taken the key. Then it gets into this thing. Where is the alarm on? No, the alarm's not on because the carpet guy was there and he didn't know the alarm code. Well, then I'm going to have to go there and turn the alarm on. If the key's missing, that means someone has the key. It's all. And then at some point I go, hold on. Is it possible? Because the way the story's being presented to me is that that key was under that mat. I said, is it possible that when you lifted the mat to look for the key, that the key was stuck to the bottom of the mat?

[Dawson]

Taking a carpet ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, at this juncture in life, everybody, when I pipe up that you should really stop, just stop what you're doing and think. But I get the chorus of ab. No, I looked. I looked under the mat. And then Olga chimes in, No, I shook that mat everywhere. Okay, okay. All right. Inconceivable. Okay, all right. Just a thought. You know, if we. If we can't figure out where this key went and nobody's seen it, and nobody was there, and it was there the night before, and so on and so forth. This is the only. This is the only option I can offer.

[Dawson]

Why would you shake the mat? That's curious to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I'm interested in the part where the mat was also looked under. So your idea is no good. All right, fine. I'll go skip my rope, and I'll leave early to go over there and turn the alarm on. Well, don't worry. As I'm leaving, I get the call. We found the key. Where was it? Stuck to the underside of the mat.

[Dawson]

Who called you?

[Adam Carolla]

First off, I was yelled from upstairs to downstairs as I was walking out the door. First off, I don't like this. It is, oh, hey, brand new news. Like, I want a nice hearty. You were right. It's never satisfying. It's never, ever satisfying. It's never satisfying. It's always. Here's how it works. Hey, we found the key. It was stuck to the other side of the mat. Yeah, that's what I said. You said that? Yeah, I said that. I said that 20 minutes ago. You did? Yeah. You said you looked under the mat. No, I didn't. Yeah, well, don't let it go. We got the key. Then you go. But how come it never feels?

[Dawson]

It's never a. I know, I know. I deal with this as well, and it's never.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what it is. You know? Why?

[Dawson]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? You can't take that victory into your next exchange. You see what I'm saying?

[Dawson]

I want to.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little currency in life where you go, he wants to see Transformers 4. You want to see, from the makers of the Notebook, whatever the movie is, and you argue back and forth and you argue back and forth, and eventually you go, see Transformers 4 and it sucks.

[Dawson]

Oh, and you can use that.

[Adam Carolla]

Even he admits it sucks when you're driving home and he's disappointed and he talks about how much it sucks. So then the next time you guys are discussing what movie to see, you have some currency on your side.

[Dawson]

I know. Yes. I know exactly what you mean by that. This is an isolated instance. Because if you ever bring it up again, then why do you have to be such an asshole?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But if it's. What do you mean? I want to see. From the makers of the Notebook, Then you got. No. There's no currency.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

See what I'm saying?

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's wildly unsatisfying when you explain what happened and everyone in the kitchen tells you no.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me give you guys some advice. If it doesn't make you money and it doesn't make you happy. Let it go.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But. Oh, there's a qualifier. I agree, I agree. But this does translate into other events.

[Dawson]

This does make him money. It's the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's the podcast. That's right. And the other thing is, if somebody said, well, I did lift the mat, but I didn't really look under it, so maybe it is stuck to it, then it would encourage me to go, want to look under it? But if you say I looked under it, wasn't there, and I shook it around as Olga said, and it didn't fall out, now I'm off that. Now I'm off, you've removed me from my good idea either way.

[Dawson]

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't relinquish your good idea so soon.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Dawson]

That'll drive you insane, though.

[Adam Carolla]

If I am sitting in the room with two adult people, one of them says, I looked under the mat, and the other said, I shook it violently and nothing happened. I. I am not so pompous and insane that I will cling to my assertion that it must be stuck to it. I will move on from that, which I happily did. But then it turned out I was right.

[Dawson]

Yeah, the you're right. And the apologies in this universe, never satisfying enough. And I am the kind of like, if I am owed an apology or just, yes, I was wrong, I will hang on and keep pushing it until I get it. Just because I. I'm afraid I want us both to sign off on the same reality. The reality where I was right.

[Adam Carolla]

Me, too. We should get together. The point is, it's not that the person is withholding it. It's a newer thing, which is reality has been deconstructed.

[Dawson]

But that's what disturbs me. I don't want that to be the case. I want it to be the case that they just don't want to feel shame.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. Lynette is lying to me. Lynette goes, hey, good news. We found the key. And I go, where was it? And she goes, stuck to the other side of it. And I go, that's exactly what I. And she goes, what?

[Dawson]

I'm shivering.

[Adam Carolla]

This was not something. We didn't have this argument one calendar year ago. And in between, she got in a horrible moped accident in aruba. This is 40 minutes earlier we had this discussion, in which case I do the look around thing, where I went.

[Dawson]

So what would be the satisfying way of handling that? If she said to you, you were right. Turns out you were right first thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is for everybody, including Myself, but not really. I like that myself. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Why are you looking at me?

[Adam Carolla]

But this is for everybody. When you are saying to somebody, as I said, once you get that head shaking thing going, you know, it's the person that's working in the captain's nest for Delta Airlines, and you start pulling out the card. I have the free. No, no, no. And then you start pulling. Well, I have the Delta mileage. No. The cocking. Their no. Right? That's right. They pulled the hammer. Their next no. And they're starting to squeeze the trigger. No. Be a blank slate. Like, be brand new. When I'm reaching for my third card. Don't be shaking your head. It's not going to work before you see it. Maybe it will work. So the first thing that people do is they go, key was taken. And then you go, are you.

[Dawson]

How do you make an Airbnb, a VRBO picture a vacation rental with a host who's showing you every room like you've never seen a house before. Now get rid of them. There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

No host ever.

[Dawson]

Now it's a verbo. Make it a verbo.

[Adam Carolla]

You sure the key was. I'm absolutely 100% sure it was there. And somebody just removed it. Hmm. That doesn't make sense. Why would someone just take the key and not, you know, go into the house and steal something? And then you go, aha. Maybe the key. And they start going. And then you go, maybe it stuck the thing. And then in order to get off of that. In order to get off that, they go, I checked. It's not under there. But that's not what happened. They're just on the. They're staying there as you're doing the thing, because what happened? And this is how people work. They have decided foul play. Somebody came and stole a key. So if you come in and go, maybe it's stuck to the bottom of the thing. They start going. And then it'll screw it up if they go. And I don't think they're lying. I just think it's a continuation of the theme. So if they go, oh, I never thought about that. That's gonna. They're on a roll. Instead they'll go, I checked. Wasn't there. And now you're left with nothing. Because there's nothing you can say to that. But as I said, Olga shook it. I mean, she said, I took them both mats and, like, threw them around. So I was like, all right, but don't worry, I got my pound of flesh out of Olga, too. In the Kitchen. Oh, no. She had the hair. She had their hair.

[Dawson]

That sounds dreaded.

[Adam Carolla]

Earbuds in. I said, pop them off, sweetie. Remember this? Remember this conversation? She said, oh, yes, Mr. Adam. I said, moving on, moving on. All right, I'm just saying, listen, you give me problems, I try to solve them for you. That's all. That's just me. That's who I am. All right, Now, a couple things. First off, stumbled onto this mind blower today.

[Allison Rosen]

So what are you going to get? Kimmel?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, key, extra key. And a mat, extra key.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right, hide a key.

[Adam Carolla]

Onto this mind blower. The moral of the story is, when you've decided something has gone down one way, don't cling to it too hard. And then when somebody suggests a possible alternative, don't be so clung to your idea that you're shaking off their possible alternative and brushing them back with it before you go. Hmm.

[Dawson]

Maybe it is maybe more scientific.

[Allison Rosen]

What percentage of the time you guys are looking for something does it end up being in a place you've looked before? Maybe not examined, but at least glanced.

[Adam Carolla]

Or considered enough to get me to look through the same fucking drawer like eight times in the same place for the same TV remote that clearly wasn't there? Yes, yes, I've done that a million times. So here's one came to mind today. I don't know why the grilled cheese. Grilled cheese sandwich. One of the few things. This is a mind blower.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't see this coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Grilled cheese sandwich. One of the few things where I like the American cheese maybe better than cheddar or Jack the grilled. Lots of butter in the pan. White bread, Traditional old fashioned. Just grilled cheese sandwich. All right. I don't like American cheese on my omelets or anything else. Grilled cheese is pretty good. And then I realize, grilled cheese, American cheese on bread. Good. In a quesadilla. A fucking abortion. Inedible. And now you need the cheddar cheese or the jack cheese. In the quesadilla. In the quesadilla. You have to. It's a must. Why? The huge chasm between the two, it's melted cheese. It's got some.

[Dawson]

Right. Why when it crosses the border, does it take a turn?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. What happens to the American and the quesadilla? Why? You know, I mean, there's a little yeast involved at the other side, but it's basically. It's basically a little carbohydrate and a flour around a piece of cheese. Why Is American cheese in the form of quesadillas, such an attack for some.

[Dawson]

Reason, when it's the white bread and it's. It's got that good grilled cheese, buttery flavor. You can handle the cheese not having a strong flavor, but when you're in a tortilla, you need the cheese to.

[Adam Carolla]

Have flavor, so you need more. You're relying on the strength of the cheese. When it's the quesadilla.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, sorry. The butter. Allison's 100% right. It's the buttery, toasty bread that almost overwhelms the cheese. The cheese is just fine. It's just there. Whereas in the quesadilla, it's up front and center. It's the star of the show. It's got nowhere to hide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you wouldn't think there'd be that great a chasm. You wouldn't like. You know, what I'm saying is I don't like American cheese, but if we're just talking about a grilled cheese, I'd take American cheese probably over cheddar, unless I really thought the person knew what they were doing. Quesadilla. Fucking abortion.

[Dawson]

Wait, you feel like there's special skill required to make a cheddar grilled cheese? I mean, I agree. Actually, I will say this.

[Adam Carolla]

There's gonna be a dude or two, Jimmy Kimmel's house tonight. And if they said, I'm going to make you a grilled cheese and it's not going to have American cheese, you would happily sit down, tuck your napkin into your collar, and wait for it.

[Dawson]

All right, I'm bringing a debate that has been raging on my podcast over to this one. Briefly. Butter sandwich. Is there such a thing? Does it exist? We've been talking about this nonstop for episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's just bread and butter, right?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, no.

[Dawson]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary thinks.

[Dawson]

That's what Gary thinks.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at Chris.

[Pat O'Brien]

Look at.

[Dawson]

Chris is crestfallen right now.

[Adam Carolla]

If you grew up and your mom made you something and, well, I mean, yeah, you can have an air sandwich if you want.

[Allison Rosen]

A dog shit sandwich exists.

[Dawson]

No, someone would say, that's just dog shit smeared on bread, and it's two pieces of dog shit bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, this is your mom making it for you and calling it. And then this is also something where you go, but with a super hot bowl of tomato soup, and you're dipping it into butter. Butter sandwich. Like, let's put it. I'll put it to you this way. If you went to work and you worked construction and your wife Packed you a butter sandwich for lunch. You'd be pretty pissed, wouldn't you?

[Dawson]

Yes, but the question is, would you say that bitch made me a butter sandwich, or would you say she just gave me two pieces of bread with butter on them and put them together? That's cause Gary says it's not a sandwich. Chris says it is a sandwich, okay?

[Allison Rosen]

You're on the job site, you take a bite into it. Guy next to you, Gary says, hey, man, what are you eating there? You say, I'm eating a butter sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say it's a butter sandwich.

[Dawson]

But, Chris, we win.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, when I was a poor guy.

[Allison Rosen]

I still am really poor, but, like, I would just get bread and butter, and I would just put the butter.

[Brian Bishop]

In between two pieces of bread and microwave it.

[Allison Rosen]

And that was my snack.

[Adam Carolla]

Butter sandwich. All right, listen. This nowhere nearly as intriguing as my cheddar quesadilla versus American. Not even the same league ballpark.

[Dawson]

I don't mean to insult you by.

[Adam Carolla]

Saying I don't mean to. Well, it's too late.

[Dawson]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

It's too late.

[Dawson]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing we can get back now is LifeLock. That's right. Identity thieves. They're shrewd. Probably the ones who stole my key. Targeting your checking, your savings account, cash, retirement. Allison. What do you know, baby girl?

[Dawson]

Get this. I just came across this news story. A woman received a cell phone bill for $185, and she called the company to tell them she's not a customer. I always wonder what you should do if you get a bill for something where you're not a customer.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's cute.

[Dawson]

And then she discovered that someone had used her information to purchase five smartphones totaling over $3,000, which was billed to her. And then an officer called the primary phone number and discovered that the man who answered it also was a victim of identity theft and had no idea someone had used his information.

[Adam Carolla]

Horrible, horrible chain of events. You use LifeLock and you allergic to good, solid common sense, Brian? Turns out I am. You can't fight identity theft alone. You need our good friends over at LifeLock Baby Dawson.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

LifeLock Services can't protect you or your bank accounts if you're not a member. So, as a special holiday gift, LifeLock is offering Adam Carolla show listeners 15% off your LifeLock ultimate membership. Call or visit LifeLock.com and use promo code Adam15. That's promo code Adam15. For your 15% off holiday gift, call 8004-9650-3080-0496-5-030. 800 49650. 30. Network does not cover all transactions and scope may vary. Offer ends 1231 13.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And now something that I noticed.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask a cheese follow up first or are you really on this one? The macaroni and cheese. Do you guys ever do the. I know you have kids now. Do you ever do the powdered macaroni and cheese, The Kraft, or is it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just, you know, I'm down with that. It's. It's in my pantheon of sort of bad good food. It's the Twinkie of pastas. You know what I mean? Twinkie's not. It's not a pastry, it's a Twinkie. And the Mac and cheese. The Kraft Mac and Cheese is Kraft Mac and Cheese. Dump a little milk in there. It's not good Mac and cheese. Yeah, it's Kraft Mac and Cheese goes down easy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's its own thing. It's its own category.

[Adam Carolla]

It's its own thing.

[Allison Rosen]

They call it pasta.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. If you went to a decent place and they served that as Mac and cheese, you would be pretty pissed off about it. All right, Gary. Just to prove I'm not perfect, when I was listening to Joe Coy's brilliant job the other night doing the brown sugar, talking to the white sugar, I realized, and I thought, this is a teachable moment for myself and all who are listening. Jo Koy, great at improv, just rolls with the improv. And there was a moment that I screwed up on where I now realize I didn't realize it. I did not realize he was going somewhere. I think he was trying to take it somewhere. And I didn't go. I did not go with him on this. I didn't exactly deny him, but I was pushing my own direction. He gave me a little opening to go a little different direction. And I kind of steamrolled past it. It's start about 1:55 in when I was talking to you. Can Gary, where do you go to find. This is a really funny video. Somebody took a lot of time and made the brown sugar and the white sugar go at it. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You can go to AdamCarolla.com and go.

[Adam Carolla]

To the episode page for today's episode or yesterday's episode. It's in both places. All right, you hear him say about the. About the car stereo. And you hear me go past it and I'll tell you where I screwed up in a second. I love you too, motherfucker. The white rice. Listen, had tell me Preach Had a Preach. Had a stereo stolen by some brown sugar a long time ago. Not you. Yeah. What kind? Not you. What kind? Not you.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it a Sony?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember. We didn't get into it. Craco, I think. But the point is. The point is.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's a good story.

[Adam Carolla]

I just feel like you'd be more. I feel like you'd be more comfortable. Yeah. Underneath the sink with the cleanser. Next to the garbage can.

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck up.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. He said, I got one of those in my car. Which didn't necessarily mean he laid it out. But where he was going. We'll ask him next time. Is when he said, I got one of those in my car, I should have went, yeah, where'd you get that stereo? And then he'd go, I just bought off this dude. And then he'd. Then I'd say, yeah, that's kind of what I'm talking. Then he'd get incense and hopefully attack me for calling him a thief and accusing him of stealing the Craco stereo from white whatever. Because he said, what kind of stereo was it? And I should have answered, but I said, I don't remember. And then he said, I got one of those in my car, and I pushed past it, and I thought I should have stopped and went, yeah, when did you get that stereo? And then he'd get.

[Dawson]

And this was something that you didn't notice till you heard it.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta hear it back. Yes. Cause when you're in it, sometimes you're pushing. I was pushing to get him under the counter. That's right. Eye of the Tiger.

[Allison Rosen]

Breaking down game tape.

[Adam Carolla]

Breaking down game tape with the Ace man. But as I heard it, I thought, why would he say what kind? He asked a question. I didn't give him an answer. And then I did come up with a kind. And he did what you should do, which is, I got that. Which should have taken us to this different place. Meaning he stole it or he bought it off the guy who stole it.

[Dawson]

You know what I wondered when I heard it back when you were saying that white rice is in meetings, you know, referring to Klan meetings. And then he said, yeah, why? Like, why are. I don't know what he says. I mean, like, why so many meetings? Why is he always in meetings? And I. Or no, I think he said maybe. Why are white folk always in so many meetings?

[Adam Carolla]

He said, why was. He said. He didn't say foe. Yeah, I don't know. There's a little, pardon the pun, gray area in the white talk there. And you know, I wasn't in my head set on Klan. I was just like, he's at meetings with other people like him and not people like you. But I don't know if it was a Klan or just a sort of high. If it was a high end, you know, boardroom thing. I didn't. I wasn't clear with it. But yes, it should have come across like sort of like a clan.

[Dawson]

That's. I got the sense that you were suggesting sort of like kind of was white supremacists or whatever meetings sort of. And then he was making is kind of talking about white people as always having like CEOs is always having a bunch of meetings. A lot of meetings going on in the sugar pantry. Discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Well, he. Yeah, he did want to know why they're always having those meetings. But either way, that's just an example as I was listening and breaking down the game film of me blowing past a moment. Now we can ask Jo Koy when he comes in. Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't know. I don't. I don't know. Maybe he got a little caught up in the moment himself. All right, pob, Pat o' Brien's here. We got your phone calls, man. Topher wants to know the key to happiness. We're not questioning about delivery men, pizza guys packing heat, hobo power, coffee can with Kimmel. All right, let me do a little live read and then we'll get to that. Borrow dot com. Baby, these guys are brilliant. Need a little money. Need a little cash. Bank max out a credit card now. Easier, smarter, faster way you can get cash wired right to your accounts. I spoke to these guys on the phone for an hour the other day. Just simple stuff. Jewelry, car, whatever. Paintings, antiques, whatever. They'll appraise it, whatever it's worth. They give you a real, real nice rate on it and they wire the cash to your account. Super easy Borrow dot com. They handle everything. You can bring it into them or you can do it online and they can praise the item and have it wired. The money, the cash wired in your account, all in less than 24 hours.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Dawson, even if you don't need cash today, try borrow.com right now. Just see how it works. Pick any valuable item in your home, go to borrow.com or call and chat with a borrow agent in minutes. You'll get a range of how much cash you can have wired into your account in 24 hours. That's borro.com or call 888-9957, 8708-8899-5787-0888-9957-870.

[Adam Carolla]

Rich 44, Tacoma. What's going on? Oh, not much. Getting it on. Love the show. Ace, man. Thanks for listening. What's your question? I just had a question that's been bugging me for a while about what may be the greatest story ever told. I was wondering what you would estimate the hobo power of the coffee can fart that you got kimmel with. Well, for those who don't know the story, I had a little poker night at my house many years ago, and Jimmy and the boys came over and like an old lesbian couple, everyone had cleared out at the end, and Jimmy and I were left just emptying ashtrays and salsa containers. And he was doing the dishes. And he was standing. Old house. I had had this sort of galley kitchen where the sink was in the corner. It was actually a corner sink. And so he was just in the corner doing dishes, you know. And I was busing stuff from the other room into the kitchen. And he was just chit chatting and cleaning up after everyone had cleared out. And I realized I had a fart coming on. And I looked to the countertop and I saw Trader Joe's cylinder. Like the ones that just have a big picture, the toucan on it or something. Rainforest Sumatran bean or whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Ironically, oversized nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, ironically. And I thought, well, I should fart into this can. And there was, you know, eight or nine beans sort of kicking around the bottom of the can. And I pressed it hard against my ass and I farted against it right in the kitchen.

[Dawson]

Or you didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew he had the, you know, first off, I probably had the stereo on. And he also had the water making a lot of noise with the pots and the pans and the water flowing and everything. And I pressed it up like a hitman with a silencer, you know, And I just, you know, I just filled it up, actually gave it like a little half twist, you know, to really get that lock in there. And I just popped the cap on it real quick. And I just popped it around to him and I said, have you ever smelled. And this is back before coffee was what it is. Now we're talking. I mean, we're talking 1998 or something here. 1999. This is a little before all the coffee bean and pizza on every corner. And everyone's kind of used to it. Now everyone has a sack of Starbucks somewhere. But there's a little bit of novelty. Ever smelled fresh Roasted Sumatra beans. And he popped the lid. And again you can say to people, smell my finger. Or smell this milk carton. They're very ginger about it. They don't go in head first. They go, huh, why do you want me to smell that cottage cheese? You go, smell it. You think it's bad. And they go, they don't get the coffee cylinder, especially with the whole beans rattling around at the bottom. It is just face first. He just dove into that can and he just, you know, I mean, he really just, he took it in, nostrils flared. It's the best part. About a few extra millimeters of skin. You can fart all you want in front of someone, but they'll do the shields up and they'll pull their shirt up over their face and they'll do the breathe through the mouth and they'll go out of the room and stuff like that. This is. And he just, he did it. And really the best moment for me is just that moment of confusion is the can pulled away from the nose. Because your brain can turn anything into almost anything if you don't know, you know what I mean? Like if somebody puts orange juice in a container, in a milk container and then says, take a swig off it, there'll be a moment where you'll be like, this is the worst milk of, you know, you don't know what to do with the information. It may be fresh squeezed orange juice. You'll still spit it out or you still won't know what to do with it. There's a sort of a. It's like touching something that's either super cold or super hot. There's a moment of just pain where you don't know what it is other than it hurts. And if you pulled your hand away immediately, you wouldn't know if it was hot or cold. You just knew what it was. And he just had this face like, huh? What happened in this clan? And then that was just, you know.

[Dawson]

Then he figured it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I told him, I told. He figured it out as, as I was telling him. And then, and then it's the birth of my kids. And then, I don't know. Winning the Toyota celebrity grand prix.

[Allison Rosen]

3A and 3b and 3c in there.

[Dawson]

Another one tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

I should fart and bring it over there. All right, so. Oh, as. To make the hobo power. It's really hard, you know, it was one of those things. It's one of those things like everyone talks about, you know, hitting that home run in the seventh inning of The World Series, ninth inning of the World Series, seventh grade, all that kind of stuff. This to me was home run at the company picnic, you know, but to all who were there, it was a magical moment and it will never be forgotten. You know what I mean? I'm not going to sit here with a straight face and say it was a 35 in the hobo meter. But to this broadcaster.

[Allison Rosen]

Satisfying.

[Adam Carolla]

Satisfying. Thanks, Rich.

[Pat O'Brien]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Appreciate it. Let's see. South Dakota traffic fatalities, pizza guy with a gun. Let's see. To happiness. Topher? Yes. What's going on? Hi, Adam. I just wanted to ask, what do you think is the key to happiness? Is there a specific thing? Well, it will not be things that you accumulate, but it will be how you accumulate them. I see. So there's. Because I've always wondered about, is it money? Is it? No. Finding a religion, is it? Well, I'll tell you this. It's not the thing. If the thing is, look, if you're one of the Kardashians and, you know, Kanye west buys you a Ferrari, it really just doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean a fucking thing. Or if your dad is just, you know, you know, I'm sure Simon Cowell's kid at some point is going to turn 16, he's going to get a brand new Aston Martin, you know, DB whatever, V8 Vantage or whatever the hell he's going to get. And it's just not going to mean nearly as much as a guy who worked three summers in a row, you know, mowed lawns, shoveled snow, whatever it is, saved up enough money to get a used Miata from ebay. Like it will not. That thing will not mean nearly as much to that guy as the guy who saved up, worked art. And the joke is sorta on the guy who got the brand new Vanquish from dad, because he's gonna feel a little bit angry and a little bit dissatisfied with. Not that day, not that morning, where he comes down the driveway and sees a big bow on top of it somewhere fairly shortly after that day, amazingly soon after that day. And I'm not talking about the following day, but I'm talking about within a month there will be some feelings of dissatisfaction attached to dad and the car, like whoever gave them the car and the thing itself. And at a certain point you'll climb into the passenger side and sit in a half eaten container of chili fries that he got through the drive through over the noggles. And I don't even know that exists anymore. The point Is this. He will not have an appreciation for. For that car. I can guarantee you that the inside of that $240,000 car six months on will be much messier than the interior of the $4,000 car the guy spent three summers saving for. So, want to talk about happiness? It's not really about happy. It's about satisfaction. It really is. I was. It's really. Don't think in terms of happy. Think what makes me the most satisfied. And then, by the way, you'll be happy when you're satisfied. I mean, Brian, your book, how satisfying is that to you so far?

[Allison Rosen]

It's extremely. Because I put a shitload of fucking hours into it.

[Adam Carolla]

And how good does that feel? I mean, better than any trip to the amusement park or vacation or vineyard or what have you.

[Allison Rosen]

When I initially sold it to the publisher, the first question they asked was, well, do you need. Do you want a ghostwriter, someone to write it? David Wilde, per. Like, you know, type? And I was like, I don't think I would appreciate it anywhere near as much. It may get done faster. Maybe it'd be better. But I don't know if I would appreciate it as much.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah, you check both those boxes, but you wouldn't feel satisfied. But no, you. You feel satisfied. And that when that thing starts, you know, the first box gets delivered to you. Oh, my God. Or dusty. When we go do ourselves a live podcast and people start showing up and wanting you to sign them, there's going to be a very strong sense of. It will not be joy and it won't be happiness, pride. It'll be. Yeah, it'll just be satisfaction. And that, to me, is all you kind of need. Chasing happy is really just chasing, you know, that's what drugs are for. That's what amusement parks are for. That's what alcohol's for. That's what stuff that feels good.

[Allison Rosen]

So do those things.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, you know, when you earn it, it's sort of like a meal. Going out to dinner every night doesn't feel that great. Going out for occasions feels much better. And then working all day and literally building up a hunger for that event that night, for that meal that night. Burning the calories during the day, that's where it feels. Look, sucking off a drinking fountain at a high school lukewarm, sort of warmish valley water is not a very satisfying experience. But when you've been out on the football field running wind sprints for the last hour and a half, it's the best thing ever. So what is it? Is it the water or is it have you earned it? And what does it mean to you that to me seems to be. We get way caught up in. I want to win the lottery. I want a better this, I want a bigger that. I want more this. And then it becomes this thing where you go, well, if I had this car or this house or this girlfriend or this, what have you, I then would be happy. Then when you're not happy, you get confused and somewhat irritated because these things that you thought would make you happy aren't making you happy. At least I remember when I was poor and unhappy, I could always just go, well, that's because you're driving a piece of shit truck. You would be happy if you're in a new nice truck. But that isn't the way life.

[Allison Rosen]

It's ultimately true, but it's because if you had a nice whatever, you ostensibly.

[Adam Carolla]

Worked for it, right?

[Allison Rosen]

And bought it, paid for it.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's why many of the. Well, you know, you look at it this way. I am doing this Paul Newman documentary. He's a very extraordinary guy. I am very satisfied when I work on that and very excited by it. And I think his son OD'd when his son was like 28. How come so many of these kids OD? What are you talking about? Yeah, because they're taken care of. They're put somewhere and all of a sudden all the sharp edges of life are rounded over and they start getting.

[Dawson]

And they're told they should be so happy. Human is not to be happy all the time, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And they're less happy because so much is taken care of. So much of life has been taken care of for them. All right, A little love. Go to meeting, baby. Got to get your team in the same room. Got to talk about being happy. Mm. Use GoToMeeting with he faces brought to you by Citrix. Start hosting meetings in seconds. You can do it from your computer, your mobile device. Sign up for a free 30 day trial. No credit card required. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button. Use the promo code. Adam. You can win a $300 Apple gift card pretty easy, but you got to get going with this man. You got to tweet us a picture of where you'd most like to host your ideal meeting. So wherever you are, take that picture, give us a tweet, and what you do is use the hashtag Winace and include O2 meeting. It ends November 17th. Dawson.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Apple is a registered trademark of Apple Incorporated. Apple is Not a participant or sponsor of this promotion.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you say Happle? Let's try that again.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Happle is not a registered trademark of Happle Incorporated. Happle is not a participant or sponsor of this promotion.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. There you go. Yeah. Newman's kid died when. When. Son was 28.

[Allison Rosen]

No shit.

[Adam Carolla]

1978. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I never knew that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a weird. You know, I think it's kind of back when that kind of stuff was a little more swept under the rug. Well, you know, you say swept under the rug, but I think it's more like, hey, this is a family matter. You know what I mean? Now everything's just open territory. Somebody's got a nip slip or somebody's kid OD'd, or whatever it is. Everything's just open territory. I think it was. I think.

[Dawson]

Well, now it's like we're looking through your garbage and we're in your bushes, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Back in the day. Back in the day, there was an element of, hey, the guy's son died. You know, back off, give him a little room. You know what I mean? It would be. It would get reported, but it wasn't like, hey, everybody. Like, it would be a big deal now. And they pretend they play that bad, tragic music, and then they'd get some psychic in there. They'd get someone to read their body language or some bullshit, and they'd be talking about. They'd be shaking their head the whole time, but it'd be week number three of them talking about it, which is just what the family doesn't. Stuff like that happened back in the day, and there was a little respect and a little space, I think, given to the family, and thus it didn't get imprinted in your memory. All right, let's take ourselves a quick break. POB Pat o' Brien is waiting in the wings. We'll bring him in right after this.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Welcome back to the Adam Carolla Show. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 5:30 on TV Guide Network, don't watch who's the Boss? Roses are red, Angela is blue. Winner, old flame. A poet says their Vegas marriage isn't over. At 6 on Animal Planet, be sure to miss finding Bigfoot. A family in northern Florida suspects a Bigfoot foot is living on their property. And at 9 on Hallmark, definitely don't watch the Dog who Saved Christmas. A seemingly inept guard dog protects his new owner's home when thieves break in while they're away for the holidays. Voiced by Mario Lopez that's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the Adam Carolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

The Great one, Pat o' Brien in studio. Pat's got a podcast right here on our network. Pat o' Brien show. New episodes every Tuesday. You find that on itunes. And of course, radio show on Fox Sports primetime, Fox sports radio from 3 to 7 Eastern Time. Good to see you, Pat.

[Pat O'Brien]

And I see you, Adam, and everybody here. It's one of those great summer nights in Southern California.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

You know what makes you want to do make out? Remember in high school, you go out on a summer night.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta go.

[Pat O'Brien]

Anybody here?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't get anything in high school.

[Dawson]

There's only one of me.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, I said, no, no. It makes me want to make out. But you know what I mean?

[Pat O'Brien]

Drive around your car and have a car.

[Adam Carolla]

Stepmom.

[Pat O'Brien]

Okay, let's go another way. Hotwire a car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it is.

[Pat O'Brien]

It's very summery, but it's very dry.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the fakest part about the hot wiring of the car?

[Dawson]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

The steering wheel lock. That the hot wiring would not unlock the steering column, meaning you could twist the wires together underneath and fire the car. But when you tried to turn it, you don't have the keys. You have to turn the keys somehow.

[Dawson]

MacGyver was never flummoxed by that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my kid's gonna miss. He's gonna miss that part of life where you turn the key and you start to try to turn the wheel and it doesn't turn. So you have to jiggle the wheel and jiggle the key simultaneously in order to get the key to turn further.

[Dawson]

That used to always happen.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always like. Remember that move, Felix? Yeah. Just jiggle and turn.

[Dawson]

Why is that? Why would it do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Because it was just unrefined and crude, and you had to turn the key and that would unlock the steering wheel. But somehow, once it got a couple thousand miles on it, you'd have to jiggle it to get that thing. There's a lot of jiggling and rattling and twisting and hitting and padding back in the day.

[Pat O'Brien]

And I remember I have a 65 Corvette, which, by the way, they're. I don't know how anybody thought they'd travel around in those things. They're a bear to drive. You know that the first time I ever took my son in it, we went to a McDonald's, and the first thing, he'd never been in it. First thing he said was, what's that? Pointing to the window roller.

[Adam Carolla]

Upper yeah, the crank.

[Pat O'Brien]

And then it didn't start. And he'd never experienced that. He said, what just happened here? It doesn't start.

[Adam Carolla]

People don't realize how sort of catches catch can. It used to be with the. And then a lot of. Come on, now you know what was going like.

[Pat O'Brien]

And you knew you were in trouble if you went to three, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. Yeah. When it started to go down. But also, there was a lot more basic communication with others. Dig. The windows were down because the air either didn't exist or didn't work. So you'd kind of pull up next to people's stoplights. Absolutely. And kind of hear what music they were playing. And every once in a while you'd go, hey, nice ride, or something. There's a little commute communication going in there because the windows weren't tinted and they weren't up. Also, inevitably, when the car would die. I cannot tell you how many strangers I got a jump from. Not only that's random. How many strangers jumped in and started helping me push. When the thing would stall out or I was trying to do the bump start thing, I'd be like, hey, dudes, can you give us a little hand over here? And it was always. People seemed to be happy to do it. Like, oh, yeah, let me back it up.

[Pat O'Brien]

Or pull back over here, man. Deal. I mean, guys would jump, then one person would start, and then two or three would join in out of nowhere.

[Adam Carolla]

And there was always Suddenly, you're going.

[Pat O'Brien]

40 miles an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And you think, why start the car? I got these assholes pushing me everywhere. Listen, I got an appointment tomorrow. I need you at the house about 9am I'm gonna save a ton in gas.

[Pat O'Brien]

It's gonna be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Today, these kids today, there's always somebody that had a suggestion with the bump start too.

[Pat O'Brien]

Oh, yeah, put it in second.

[Adam Carolla]

No, go with first. Go with first.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, but if he goes first, make sure you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got one shot. Yeah. Now everything is automatic, so there is no more clutch and bump.

[Dawson]

Cars barely even make the same sound. I almost got run over by an electric car the other day for a hybrid.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm starting to realize that we've lost the connection to operating a car. It used to be sort of a job. The extreme is if you're driving a race car, you never sort of doze off and zone out or anything because you're so involved with the operation of the thing and the wind's flying in your face and so on and so forth. When you get into my wife's Audi and roll those windows up and put on the river. You're in another area you can do. You put the heat. Put the seat heater on, and then put the steering wheel heater on, and you can just kind of drift off.

[Pat O'Brien]

I have a little coffee cup signal on my dash, which means you're messing around too much. Change your music. Talking on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Like you're dozing off.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah. You're driving like it reminds you to pay attention. Mine has never been off. I said, how do I set. You can't reset it, but it's never. It's never turned off.

[Adam Carolla]

But the car is smart enough to know that you may need a little poke in the side, right?

[Pat O'Brien]

My car's smarter than I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

I mean, it tells you when a car is up next to you if you go to another lane.

[Adam Carolla]

No, my wife's car braked for me.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It literally. I was.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you say, how dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

I did.

[Pat O'Brien]

Because I brake for Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I was prepared to break. I drive like such an asshole that the car was like, I just have a picture of a guy bending over and spreading his cheeks on the dash. I mean, it's an icon. It's not the coffee cup. To me, it crosses the line.

[Dawson]

Why do you have to be such an asshole?

[Adam Carolla]

But the car break. The car did break for me. I was coming up on somebody.

[Pat O'Brien]

But see, that never happens either. I was talking to somebody the other day about how people. I love cars. You know, that I actually work on them, but people never have car trouble anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Pat O'Brien]

When was the last time somebody said my car wouldn't start this morning?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's. You've. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is for all the hipsters out there, all the young folks, the technology is now so good that I used to call my boss all the time ago, my truck ain't starting, man. I don't know what to do. I can see if I can get my roommate to give me a bump or jump or whatever, but he's not here. If you wanted to get out of work real easy, call the boss. Car ain't started. It would sound insane now if you're driving an Acura or Lexus or Honda and someone called and said, your car's.

[Pat O'Brien]

Not starting, what kind of asshole are you?

[Adam Carolla]

The bad news for the young people is you can't call with a good excuse. The good news is they don't offer excuses anymore since they extended Bonnaroo another three Days and I'm hanging out. So what are you going to do? Gary's going at. Going to see the FC game. Doesn't matter. Kids don't offer excuses anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a good excuse.

[Pat O'Brien]

You mean a Stanford game?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Arizona. No, Arizona State was in town. The other thing is Matt's at Bonnaro. You know what I mean? It's not the car. Not. I'm trapped at Bonnaro because the car won't start. Just I'm pretty high.

[Allison Rosen]

This is killing him because he went to Arizona on Arizona State. Only he right now is serious.

[Pat O'Brien]

I want to hear a great Midwestern.

[Adam Carolla]

Car sale, but you guys can't use the car excuse. Good news is you don't need excuses.

[Pat O'Brien]

When I was in high school, there's this guy. There's this guy his dad owned. I can't say his name because he may be dead, I don't know. But his dad was very rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a lot to talk about, like.

[Pat O'Brien]

And I was not rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Abe Lincoln.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, Abe Lincoln. Poor.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just saying you're allowed to talk about dead people, aren't you?

[Pat O'Brien]

I don't know if he's dead, so I don't want to do that. But anyway, so for some reason he said, hey, I met him. He said, I'll pick you up tonight. We'll go out. And I was like really flattered that this guy who lived on the other side of town, so he shows up in a. Just a pure looking like 57 Chevy, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were in South Dakota?

[Pat O'Brien]

South Dakota, yeah, yeah. And I said, where'd you get this? And he said, I hotwired it based on our topic here. He said, just stole it. Like I'd never seen this kind of been involved in this kind of crime.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty steering lot.

[Pat O'Brien]

So then we go, yes. And so then we go and he wants to take me to his country club. I'd never been to one of those. He bought us a couple of Cokes and pulled out a hundred dollar bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Pat O'Brien]

I've never seen one of those in my life. And then we went driving and somebody road raged him and he told him to pull over. He got into his trunk, pulled out a 12 gauge shotgun and shot the guy's tires out.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that is old school.

[Pat O'Brien]

Old school, man. I'm like, what the.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing? Did you. How old was this guy?

[Pat O'Brien]

We were all like 17, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot hotwired a car.

[Pat O'Brien]

A hundred dollar bill and a shotgun.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I would have looked up to him, by the way, but I was impressionable back then.

[Dawson]

It sounds like Pat did look up to him a little bit. Did you?

[Adam Carolla]

I did.

[Pat O'Brien]

Actually. There's a bunch of stories about him too. One time he. One time he cut the tongue out of a cow.

[Dawson]

Oh my. Oh.

[Pat O'Brien]

He would do all these things for show.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Fat chick wouldn't put out or what?

[Pat O'Brien]

Back in South Dakota.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotcha.

[Pat O'Brien]

You know this man as Jerry the.

[Dawson]

Cow.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? Well, as a guy who had a Jewish grandfather used to eat tongues of cows.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, he was an aspiring butcher maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dawson]

But it sounds like the cow. The cow was alive during this.

[Adam Carolla]

This is very.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't like that. This is very old school. This is kind of Evel Knievel hooligan or sociopath. No, but. Yeah, but this is back when they had those sort of just old school white hooligans, you know, with the grease in their hair and the, you know, leather Jack.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah. Richie Incognito. Look out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We were first. Yes. Yeah. If anyone looks up sort of Evel Knievel story, I think he is from one of the Dakotas. And he was one of those. It's back when all the local law guys knew who you were. Remember those days where it's like, you know who that guy is?

[Pat O'Brien]

No, no. Not only did they know who you were, they knew where you were going.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pat O'Brien]

Like if the local drive in or.

[Dawson]

Whatever and they break into song about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

They'd be just like looking at you. Their hand on the steering wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, where was evil? Which. Which? Oh, he was a Montana guy.

[Pat O'Brien]

He was from the big sky country. But he was a rebel.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know. He didn't drop out of med school to jump buses at Wembley. Inside baby. Oh man. You want to get a month's worth of erections for free? That's right. They show up in one pillow. No, that's your own erection. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

One big like pizza sized pill. You gotta chip away at it like Michelangelo.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. How you do it, it's just good science. Enzytes how millions of men are dealing with erectile quality. Support the strongest, most powerful erections possible. Achieve peak sexual enhancement. One capsule a day for strong peak male enhancement. Enzyte baby Dawson.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Call now to score a special free 30 day trial of enzyme and receive a free sample of their popular prostate supplement. All you pay shipping. That's a free 30 day trial of Enzyte and a sample of their popular Prostate supplement.

[Adam Carolla]

Free curry.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Call 1-8003-6496-8180-0364-9680 or go to smilingpop.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease. Free trial requires fee life enrollment with future auto shipments.

[Adam Carolla]

Five years, by the way of sobriety for pob. Pat, you know what I'm curious about? I'm curious about alcohol, and tell me if this is right or where this sort of comes from, but having a problem with a substance, especially alcohol, later in life, you know, it's the kind of thing with drugs at least you think, well, if it hasn't taken a grip of you by the time you're 30, there's not gonna be much future in it. Like, I don't think there's gonna be much of a future with me and heroin. You know, that would have been something that I would have needed to get involved with, that.

[Dawson]

The window closed.

[Adam Carolla]

The window's been painted shut on me and the dragon. Sweet. Sweet, really. But the booze. I could see myself becoming an alcoholic in a few short years.

[Pat O'Brien]

Well, you don't become an alcoholic.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, full fledged, you know.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, mine kicked in. Well, you know, you're always an alcoholic. You're born an alcoholic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But you were drinking socially and whatever for 30s, 40s. I mean, it wasn't.

[Pat O'Brien]

I was. Mine kicked in.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I saw at a few Christmas parties, I drink for the best of them. Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

And then it just kicked in. I think mostly because at the end there, I started to drink to medicate myself. I hated my job, I hated the person I worked for. And, you know, an alcoholic always looks for ways to cure those voices in your head and that sort of thing. Whereas before I could have four bottles of wine with you, it became in the later stages of that year, when I was 55 or 56, I couldn't be without it. Once I got. I never drank at work. I was good until I got home and then it was off to the races.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pat O'Brien]

My last day of drinking, which was 1,005. There's an app for this 1,835 days ago. Look at that. It keeps track of it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's crazy.

[Pat O'Brien]

I drank 10 bottles of wine. One setting.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah. But I was messed up, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

I was really, as Adam calls it, pre partying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, pre lube.

[Pat O'Brien]

They found me lying on the. On my face down on a beach in Nantucket. 10 bottles of wine, 115 pounds, and I'm 175 now.

[Adam Carolla]

So imagine that you got down to 115.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why or how?

[Pat O'Brien]

Didn't eat, drank. I was a mess.

[Adam Carolla]

And how old were you at the time?

[Pat O'Brien]

Five years ago. I gotta check the app, so 60.

[Adam Carolla]

So again, it's a weird.

[Pat O'Brien]

It's pretty tough math, huh? 65 minus 5.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what I'm saying. The reason I'm asking is because like I said, I hear these stories where the people, you know, like I said it just once, you get out of college and you're done doing the keg stands and you start getting into this world of having a couple glasses of wine at night with dinner or whatever. And again, window painted clothes on the weed, on the heroin, probably on the cocaine and stuff like that. It's weird how I hear so many stories of people falling prey to this at this pretty advanced age.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, you kicked in.

[Adam Carolla]

You successfully navigated Booze for really 40 years.

[Dawson]

Was there something that was holding you back from hitting that point before?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Pat O'Brien]

I mean, I drank a lot and could hand. One of the things that. Well, first of all, it's a disease, so I'm not going to go into a big Dr. Drew thing with you here, but it is a disease.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad was an alcoholic.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yes, he was. And so was his dad. But my dad was one of those alcoholics. Well, we're all the same. But he would. There was never a time he didn't have those little pint bottles, you know, in his pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pat O'Brien]

Mine was weird because A, I didn't think I was an alcoholic. B, I never had a hangover. Never, Never. So that helps because you don't get up and say, oh God, I'm never going to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Pre Mangria.

[Pat O'Brien]

I had one with the Mangria and Gabriel Glacis.

[Adam Carolla]

I guarantee it's no good to anybody today.

[Allison Rosen]

He's going for a.

[Adam Carolla]

Three days, low carb.

[Pat O'Brien]

But it's a combination of that and how you were brought up and what's inside you and how you've dealt with different issues and that sort of thing, and I finally grab them.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Do you worry about your son?

[Pat O'Brien]

Not really.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, considering your dad, his dad and all that good stuff.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, I really don't worry about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Pat O'Brien]

Because A, if anything bad happens to him, I can, I can take care of him. And B, he's seen enough of what I did to be scared he'll have a glass of wine or beer or something.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, but he knows about it. It's there.

[Adam Carolla]

So you feel like obviously your dad didn't have the resources or the really the inclination to talk to you about it?

[Pat O'Brien]

Oh, my God, no. In the 50s or AA or any of those recovery places. Why would anybody in the 1950s, a man, you know, admit that he's got a problem?

[Adam Carolla]

Did your dad take that to the grave?

[Pat O'Brien]

Yes. Yeah, my dad drank. In fact, the great Joel o', Brien, we put him home to home to home. We took care of him. And he would always. They'd call me and say, you know, he's sneaking liquor in here. We don't know how he's doing it now.

[Adam Carolla]

What years is like how you're.

[Pat O'Brien]

You're on the late 70s.

[Adam Carolla]

You're covering the Olympics and stuff. Or at least you're doing basketball.

[Pat O'Brien]

I wasn't at the network yet. I was doing news. My dad never got to see me do sports or any of that. But what he was doing was he bored out his cane, which I still have, and he'd fill it up with booze. Some. Some Jack would bring him in booze, and he'd put it in his cane.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Pat O'Brien]

And they kept calling us. We don't know where Joe is getting this liquor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

And when he died, I went and got his cane and there was about you know, a quart of vodka inside it.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, you know, as tragic as that is, I miss the simpler times when people had swords in their canes and they were flask and all kinds of stuff like that. Now they're aluminum and they're anodized and they have like four separate little legs on them and shit. There's no more like, aha. You know, the guy pulls the full sword out or does any stabbard. Yes. Canes used to be used for many different things.

[Pat O'Brien]

How about a giant flask?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Pat knew something was up when his dad asked to go on a walker. It's like, I need a walker.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's a good one. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

More volume. I mean, more stability.

[Pat O'Brien]

You know, it's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a keg. I mean, I'm sorry. Walker. Walker.

[Pat O'Brien]

He did turn down wheelchairs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, they don't.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't hold a beer.

[Pat O'Brien]

Well, Joel. Bryan.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen. I will tell everyone. Us Borderline Thousand. Oh, tomorrow, 8pm And Hooters, downtown LA. In Hooters, Santa Monica. Free show Man Live podcast. Doing that November 24th at 4:30 and then December 1st at 4:30. So come on out. It is free to come on out. Have a little watch again. Nothing's Ever really free. But come on out, this is free as free gets. And hang out. All right, let's do it. Allison Rosenberg.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[Dawson]

So the Obama administration revealed Wednesday that only 26,794 people have enrolled for health insurance during the first flawed month of Obamacare because of the website not working. And then if you add in the enrollment of more than 79,000 in the 14 other states that have their own websites, the Nationwide number is 106,000 during October who signed up, which is about one fifth of what officials had projected.

[Adam Carolla]

I hung around exclusively with jackoffs, irresponsible jackoffs who had no form of any insurance whatsoever. All throughout my 20s. But I must say, the topic never even came up.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I thought you were gonna say all these people are gonna wait till the last minute, which is going to happen. There's gonna be a huge flood at the last minute science.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think there's a. I believe the inherent flaw in this is you need young people to sign up to take care of older people. But I don't think young people think about it. And it's hard to get them to think about it because, well, it's also.

[Dawson]

Hard to get young people to sit there and deal with a website that is taking forever to load.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, I'm sure that's never gonna happen. That's not helping. But just in general, if you took a 24 year old Adam Carolla and said, you want to pay 30 bucks a month for insurance? I'd be like, fuck no. That's pizza and beer money. Like, I felt fine. I was strong as a horse. And I also had this feeling, which I did do a time or two, which is, oh, if anything happens, I'll drag myself to county, USC and just sort of throw myself on the mercy of their court and they'll, they'll stitch me up, they'll take care of me. Hell, people in prison are getting taken care of. They'll take care of us. So there was that element and I just didn't know anybody. Again, I hung around with sort of hooligans who didn't really give a shit about life. But I don't know if you guys, when you were like, at that point, I owned. When you left your parents nest and you were off Their Kaiser Permanente or whatever. And you were 26. Did you go, I must be responsible for my own.

[Dawson]

No. My parents were always telling me that I need to get health insurance. I need to get health insurance. And I looked at how much it cost and I would always say, do I? Are you? I really don't feel like I need this. Like, come on, what could happen? And then. But I would just acquiesce because they were so strident about it.

[Adam Carolla]

So your parents sort of forced. Your dad's a doctor.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah. Because they would just be like you, you know, I think what they were worried about is something catastrophic happening to me and then them having to cover it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would assume that.

[Pat O'Brien]

I'm trying to think because when I got out of college, I went right to work at NBC and they had rca, then had a tremendous health plan, I guess. And then I've always been covered by after almost my whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

But now that I'm 65, now I'm weighing in on the Medicare and Medicare A, Medicare B. Can't believe I'm saying this.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Again, I don't know much about it other than I will. No, what I'm saying is, if you're relying on healthy people that are young to do the right thing, look out world. Because I'm worried that that's not going to happen.

[Allison Rosen]

I was in the same boat as Allison and probably around the same age where I didn't have health insurance. I was lucky enough to have it when I had a full time job, but I went in and out of full time jobs and didn't have it at certain points, my parents were like, you have to get it. But to the point I made earlier about young people waiting until the last minute to do things, I think it was about 2005. There was a big thing with the government. They reduced the APR or whatever on loans, student loans. And if you got your application in before a certain deadline at midnight, you were gonna get a lower rate on your. On your student loans, which is gonna save you hundreds, if not thousands dollars a year. I remember waiting till the last minute that night and you could do it for the phone. And I kept calling and it was busy just because so many people were doing it that night. And that's just the nature of people in their 20s.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like. Again, I don't know. I've talked to Drew about it and Dr. Bruce about it. I don't know that many doctors, but any doctor I've spoken to, and I don't know what your dad says. Are you talking about every doctor I talk to? Just about the general. Just the general condition of health care in the state and the state and health care insurance, blah, blah, blah. It's just always like. It's just a groaner. It's like it depresses them. Like they're.

[Dawson]

I mean, since the 80s, my dad has been saying that the whole thing's a mess. That it used to be that doctors had some control over the care they provide. If a doctor feels that he wants to put his patient. He or she wants to put their. Its patient into the hospital, you can. Whereas, I mean, and this was back in the 80s, he was saying the insurance companies are calling all the shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Drew's like, he loses money on his practice and so on and so forth. You've never talked to more depressed doctors. It used to be doctors, you'd probably about a tee time and they'd have a high ball in their hand and they'd be best on the block, tops down. Yeah. But now it's just like, ugh.

[Dawson]

I think if you're a doctor now, you basically work for someone else and you don't make very much money.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think this whole. Much of this could start with a little tort reform. The lawyers, I think, are fucking things up for the doctors. I think if you talk to any doctor, if you bring up lawyers in front of Dr. Drew, it's like shaking a fucking Red beach town front of a bull. It's like, yo, fucking lawyers. They're fucking everything up. Everybody has to pay for this shit. So I think for me, I'd like to start with removing some of this malpractice shit and freeing these guys up a little bit to do their job and backing off a little with the big lawyering.

[Pat O'Brien]

The other thing they can't do now because of lawyers is if you have, let's say, cancer or they think you have, they'll never tell you you got cancer.

[Allison Rosen]

It's boring.

[Pat O'Brien]

They'll say, I think you might have cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pat O'Brien]

Then you go to another guy. And nobody will ever tell you. My doctor does because we've been together, but they're afraid to actually tell you what's really wrong with you because you could get sued or what's not wrong with you? Am I gonna be okay? You never know.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way. I'd like to start with the lawyers, See if we could thin that herd a little bit.

[Pat O'Brien]

By the way, the guy who graduates last in law school is still called a lawyer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Right. That's right. All right, next story. What do we got?

[Dawson]

Speaking of lawyers. So we spoke on the last show about Spike Lee and about how he had settled. You know, so he tweeted the address of that couple that he thought was Zimmerman's address, settled for 10,000. And then yesterday, the story was the couple is now suing for another 15,000. Well, that's still the story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Spike Lee is asking a federal judge to throw out the lawsuit. His attorney says it should be dismissed since the couple has already reached their $10,000 settlement. And Lee's attorney says the couple is seeking 1.2 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, somebody had to get to these people of Jeopardy.

[Pat O'Brien]

They had double jeopardy on that, didn't they? Settle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, $10,000 is an insane. I mean, look, I kind of. It's a simpler time kind of thing I miss, but in 2013, you got a rich guy.

[Pat O'Brien]

All right, a million dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Either way. I don't know if Spike likes to drink wine, but that seems like the kind of thing you do with a couple glasses of wine in you. It doesn't feel like noontime activity. Sober noontime activity. You know that when you hit the send, like when you're going, hey, the New Black Panthers have put a bounty out on somebody. I'm going to toss an address out. That feels like a couple glasses of wine helped you along. I don't know if the man drinks or not, but it just feels like a nighttime. I've had a couple glasses of wine activity versus a 10am activity. Do you know what I'm saying, Pat? You get my drift, right?

[Pat O'Brien]

Well, I made a voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that voicemail. By the way.

[Pat O'Brien]

As Charlie Sheen said, great effort. But I don't. But I don't even remember. I don't remember that day. I mean, I remember had breakfast and I opened up with a glass of wine in New York, and the next thing I knew, I was in my house with every one of my bosses, including the president of cbs, at the foot of my bed. I have no idea what happened during that time.

[Adam Carolla]

When he told Charlie sheen, you drank 10 bottles of wine, did he call you a lightweight or.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, but he did. On the voicemail, he did say, good effort.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he.

[Pat O'Brien]

By the way, I got more calls from friends on that one. I just did that last night.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to. I'm trying to figure out if Sheen is.

[Pat O'Brien]

He's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he sober or. Yeah, you know, okay. Because I don't know how he could continue doing what he was Doing?

[Pat O'Brien]

I was just at his birthday party with him. He was smoking an electronic cigarette and drinking Arnold Palmer's. Like I said, look at us.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Pat O'Brien]

What's happened to us? To the great, the great wild men?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got an electric cigarette. He's smoking. He's drinking Arnie Palmer. All right, well, he's gonna go on forever. But you may not. That's why Encore Insurance is there for you. That's right. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Deft turn, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, mm. We're not all Charlie Sheens. We don't have that Viking blood. Some of us will be struck down at some point. You don't want to leave your family in a lurch. 866-347-57-48. You can visit their website, smartterm.com. i'll give you an example. Our guy kit over here, healthy, 37, non smoker. Or maybe smokes the electronic cigarettes. I don't know. I got to work that one out. Anyway, he just got a 20 year, $500,000 policy for less than 30 bucks a month. Remember, we're talking about my stupid friends. Let's not be like my stupid friends. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Yeah. Give Encore a call. They can do it for you. Call them now. 866-347-5748. Licensing and Disclaimer information can be found on their [e-mail] that is smartterm.com. all right, Allison Rosen, what else you got?

[Dawson]

Here's a fun little local news video from Detroit where a general assignment reporter didn't realize her mic was live.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love these.

[Pat O'Brien]

I love these.

[Adam Carolla]

Dozens of people were forced from their homes. Lauren, good morning. Don't have ifb.

[Dawson]

I don't know when we're going. Neither does Jim.

[Pat O'Brien]

I can't get this in there.

[Adam Carolla]

We apologize for them. I love people being people. My favorite.

[Pat O'Brien]

It's. The apology is more fun than the actual thing. It is technical problems there.

[Adam Carolla]

And we'll get back to. Reflects our station, our community. Yeah, I always love when they talk about the reflection. All kinds of. First off, who the fuck cares who cusses like. But I like the. It's 2013. I know many of you are sensitive to, like, what population of Detroit are we really talking about? Who's watching this local newscast? Who's just fucking spilled their Ovaltine and went, well, hi. Never. I'm going to write a very harshly worded letter.

[Dawson]

One of my biggest live TV fears is that I'm doing something on remote and the host goes to me with a question, but I'm not aware they've gone to me. Has that ever happened to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I used to. Yes, this.

[Dawson]

And then we're sitting there awkwardly.

[Adam Carolla]

But what you do, if you go, I don't know if this mic's working. I don't know if this IFB is working. Don't go, I don't know if this fucking mic's working. This fucking IFB is working. That's the problem I have had and learned the hard way. And you guys may have experienced pob. This probably happened a time or two. They mic you up, and once they mic you up, you kind of forget about it. You become.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's why those reality shows work, because after a little while. Here's what I would do if I.

[Adam Carolla]

You become like a porpoise that's been tagged. Like, initially it's uncomfortable, but then you just go about your route. You know, you go about. You don't go home.

[Dawson]

You go to the bathroom with it on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So you get that mic'd up thing. Once you get that mic'd up thing, you kind of forget about it. And the next thing you know, you're pulling someone to the side. You're going, this fucking director doesn't know fucking shit from Shine. All this guy's a fucking hater.

[Dawson]

That stuff keeps me awake at night because I've done that.

[Pat O'Brien]

But that means you don't have friends who work with you. Oh, I every. For 35 years in the TV, and still I tell the audio guy, if you fuck me, you're dead.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a friend.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, I say, I said, that's a dear, dear friend. No, but I would say, look, just make sure my mic's always off because I'm a big mouth, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pat O'Brien]

But you gotta reach that one guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I said it before.

[Pat O'Brien]

I scare the shit out of him.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a horrible director on the man show, like a field director. And I went and shot a, like, wood shop piece. And me and I kept pulling the rider aside and I was just going, this fucking bitch doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. We're doing it over and over again. She just doesn't. She's fucking over her skis and she's a fucking. Heck. You and I are gonna have to take over this fucking thing right now because we're not gonna. We're not gonna get what we need out of this chick. And I was like, I'm doing the whole time. And it all went onto the tape and it all went into the edit bay. And then the next day, she sat in the edit bay and had to kind of power through all the parts where I was like, we gotta get the. The fuck away from this bitch. Because she don't know what the fuck she's doing now. She did the move, which I got today, which I don't know why people do this, but she came up to me and she went, hey, heard. You know, thanks for the compliments or whatever. Which just makes us both wildly uncomfortable. What did you say? I did the. God, I'm so sorry. And it's really. What are you gonna say? I take it back. I can't take it back. We're on a shoot and you were doing a shitty job. I didn't not mean what I was saying. You know what I'm saying? It's like if somebody mic'd you up at a party and you went like, wow, Gina's really put some weight on. And then somehow it got back to her. She's like, take it back or apologize for it. It's like, what do you really want at this point? You didn't put weight on. Or I was mistaken. Do you know what I mean? I was wearing my goggles to make everyone look fat. What do you want me to say?

[Pat O'Brien]

There's another funny.

[Adam Carolla]

What good is it for them?

[Pat O'Brien]

Well, there's another element of that. We're doing the NFL today. Brent, you could hear the guys on the Musburger. Yeah, Musburger. You could hear who I love, by the way. You could hear the guys at the remote talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what are you going to say.

[Pat O'Brien]

When you're mic'd up and they're mic'd up and so you could listen and Brent would always listen. So Pat Summerall and the late, great Pat Summerall and John Madden, they'd be doing their rehearsal, you know. Well, Brent here at the Cowboys Stadium, Dorsett looks like he's ready to go for today. And that's a big. You know, they're doing their thing. And then we go on the air and Brent would say, let's send it out to Cowboy Stadium. Or Dorset looks like he's going to play today. And he'd use all their material. I do love that. And that was. He did it. It was evil, but it was great.

[Adam Carolla]

My. My equivalent. My equivalent to that was Jimmy and I had these pictures of. It'd be me and I, you know, hey, it's the man show. And once a month, there'd be a stack of them on our desk to sign for fans. And I was on the left of the picture, and Jimmy was on the right of the picture and the stack. Just because Jimmy was a better student. I would always start on his desk and he'd write, keep doing what you're doing. And then he'd sign his name or whatever he wrote. He'd just write good Times, you know, and he'd write his name, Good Times. You know, he'd do it a thousand times. Then they'd hand me the stack, and I'd always write exactly what he wrote, but everyone would think he copied what I wrote because I came first. I know I've told the story before, but Jimmy would be like, hey, fucking knock it off. Because everybody thinks I'm just writing what you wrote, but you're writing what I wrote, but you're on the left and people read left to right.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Good.

[Dawson]

So did you stop?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I thought it became that much. It became a lot funnier.

[Pat O'Brien]

When you sign those, you gotta come up. That's a Good Times is a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

Because you don't want to. You know, I signed Play Hard. That was my idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, play Hard. Yeah, it's got to be fat. And then you start to also realize when people have their own little mark, like Dr. Drew's got his own little mark. And you go, what the fuck's that? But you realize, oh, that's genius. Because over the course of a lifetime, you're going to be signing piles of stuff and books and whatever that is.

[Dawson]

It's a mark instead of his name.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a doctor. You know, it just looks like Drew or something. It doesn't look like a full.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like. Like, I think when women sign something, they write it legibly.

[Pat O'Brien]

Palmer. They write Palmer Method. Just, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, like, you know, Arnie.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, you know, the Palmer.

[Adam Carolla]

Palmer the pitcher.

[Pat O'Brien]

The. Right. There's a. The way of writing.

[Adam Carolla]

Palmer the writer.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, there's a way of writing. It's called the Palmer Method.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I thought we're back to Sheen drinking Ernie Palmers again.

[Dawson]

I never learned the Palmer Method.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, the thing with women is, first off, they get married, so they have to write someone else's last name. Yeah, go ahead. You have to write on some. They have to write someone else's. My wife has to write my last name. You know what I mean?

[Dawson]

This is like very traditional cursive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Writing.

[Adam Carolla]

But I would.

[Dawson]

That's beautiful.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's not my signature.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Pat o'. Brien. But that is cursive. Pat o'. Brien. My point is, I think if you take women's signature, you can read their first and last name. When you look at guy's signature, it's their mark, so to speak.

[Allison Rosen]

That's sort out of me and Christie. Hers is more legible than mine. Hey, what do you guys think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Does she have your last name? Yeah. Yeah. So that.

[Pat O'Brien]

The point is, what does your autograph look like? Sign it for me.

[Adam Carolla]

But if I was to switch in my, you know, 20s or 30s to whatever the fuck your last name is. Leap.

[Allison Rosen]

Mine first name, bald.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was to. I would just write your last name out. It wouldn't be my mark anymore. It'd be your last name that I wrote out.

[Allison Rosen]

Where do you guys stand on people who sign autographs and do something, make it draw, like a little smiley face in the O or, you know, like their number. Athlete number maybe is okay, but memorabilia.

[Adam Carolla]

Leno always does the chin.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you think about that? What do you think about the accoutrement?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little grandiose. What's that?

[Dawson]

I used to draw a little duck.

[Pat O'Brien]

Who did?

[Dawson]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt like I needed a little.

[Dawson]

Something extra, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Excuse the digging is what I was gonna say.

[Dawson]

I didn't put it over the eye or anything, though. I just put it next to it. Yeah, sometimes a duck and some little ducks.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm always mixed because Leno does the chin. He does find me Leno's thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Lenno's.

[Adam Carolla]

The chin.

[Dawson]

You gotta be able to draw something to do it, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's a part of me that goes, oh, come on. And then there's a part of me that goes, oh, fuck you, Adam. He's trying to provide a little look. He's taking what the people ask and take it a little step further.

[Dawson]

I mean, I get out my watercolors and my favorite brush.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, if you're gonna make a. Just a. I mean, I guess the worst thing you could do, and I've done it a few times, it's where the person is signing and not even looking at what they're signing and posing for a picture and signing and just making a quick mark and throwing it back. That's the worst. So maybe this is better for those.

[Pat O'Brien]

Of you who bought fake Michael Jordan autographs through the years. Go look at them right now. Because what he does, he signed. I'm trying to reproduce here. But he puts the 23 in the M somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Pat O'Brien]

That's about as close as I Get.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't think of. That's a. Let me tell you, I saw footage of him playing beer pong.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, it was today.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did. Except for he was wearing the Nike Air T shirt, which is him. His logo, as big as you can get it on the front of a T shirt. Just sort of walking around.

[Pat O'Brien]

See that two, three there?

[Adam Carolla]

Walking around a hotel.

[Pat O'Brien]

Good pointer, right? Do you see it in the M? There's a two and a three.

[Dawson]

Oh, yeah.

[Pat O'Brien]

Did you guys do that? That's his signature.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I called it up.

[Pat O'Brien]

He told me. He said, les, you see me sign that 95% of the signed stuff is fake.

[Adam Carolla]

But is that a douche move or not? Walking around in your huge T shirt with you on it?

[Dawson]

Oh, yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's douchey, too. We should get him together with Mike Love from the Beach Boys.

[Pat O'Brien]

What does he do?

[Adam Carolla]

He wears the Beach Boys hat everywhere he goes. There's no place he does no place he goes where he's not. There's no photograph of Mike Love. Pictures of him in the hospital from the 40s when he was an infant. He was wearing a Beach Boys hat, which was confusing.

[Allison Rosen]

Very confusing at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

But then now it makes perfect sense.

[Allison Rosen]

But basketball players who wear their own shoes, that's all right.

[Pat O'Brien]

You know, I'm gonna give Jordan a pass on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wear it on the. Well, first off, wear it on the court. You have to.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

That's part of the deal.

[Allison Rosen]

It's marketing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wearing it off the court. Well, if you got 100 pairs sitting in your closet, fine. I wouldn't wear a man show shirt around. I would feel like it'd be a little bit weird. I'm no Jordan, but you know what I'm saying? Jordan. Is Jordan wearing a T shirt with him dunking the basketball in the air on there with the big Nike swoosh? I don't know. I kind of like it. It's a kind of casualness. Like, who the fuck cares? This is my T shirt. But on the other hand is. You're so recognizable, and we're just looking at this thing, and it's three foot long across your chest, like, oh, he.

[Pat O'Brien]

Wore the big one.

[Adam Carolla]

He wore the big one. I mean, find me now.

[Pat O'Brien]

What if I wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, him playing beer pong now.

[Pat O'Brien]

But the other side of that is if you, you know, hey, let's go have a burger. It's Adam. And I wore a man's shirt. T shirt to your invitation to lunch or something. That's a violation too I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I think so, But I'd kind of be flattered by it. These guys will wear Adam Carolla, whatever shirts are wearing any given day.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a third of the staff is wearing some Adam Kroll something. Is that okay?

[Dawson]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. That's fine. Just as long as I'm not wearing it. Everyone and Jordan's posse can wear it. He just shouldn't. Do you have that. Do you find that thing? We're pulling it up right now. Okay. All right. I don't know. See, my problem with computers now is why isn't everything immediate? And then I can't tell the difference between. It's ruined me because it's like, why isn't whatever I was thinking of in front of my face now? All right, there's a picture of him playing beer pong, and that is a huge. That's a huge. Him dunking a basketball on his chest.

[Pat O'Brien]

No, that's at a hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not him in his backyard fucking around. That's walking around a hotel. That's too much, Right? It's a thousand teachers. That's too much. Thank you very much. All right, baby girl, let's bring it home.

[Dawson]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, Kuntz. Why do you have to be such an asshole?

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

That was the news with Allison Rosenberg.

[Adam Carolla]

P.O. b. Pat O'. Brien. Pat O' Brien Show. New episodes every Tuesday on itunes. Let's not miss any of Those. Website. Pat O' Brien Show.

[Pat O'Brien]

ThePatt O' Brien Show.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. ThePattobrienShow.com Twitter Pob Pat O'. Brien. Thank you so much for coming in, Pat.

[Pat O'Brien]

Thanks, Adam. Always great seeing you. Love you.

[Adam Carolla]

And until next time, Sam Kroll for Pat o'. Brien. Allison Rose and Paul Bryan saying, Mahala.

[Pat O'Brien]

If you me, you're dead.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is Adam K Show 1207. Coming up next, we have Adam K Show 1210. An early appearance from Adam Ray. David Wilde, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian bishop, also from 2013.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

And now, if he could be suspended for controversial comments, he'd have to take 16 years off.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for telling a friend. Thanks for spreading the good news. Little Angels. Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Dawson]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And the bald one. Bald. Brian, you cannot imagine how wrong you are.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesmond on Twitter wanted that with the hashtag topdrop.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm.

[Allison Rosen]

Top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

David Wilde. In studio. Everybody. Good to see you, David.

[Brian Bishop]

Float on, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Float on, my friend. All right. Lots of stuff to talk about. First revelation was watching a little TV. If you watch TV around 5, 6 in the evening, watch your local channels. You see lots of advertisements for car insurance and lawyers who handle things that happen to you. When you're in a car and realized you will never get in an accident, at least according to these commercials. If you look like you're concentrating and not having a good time when you're driving a car, if you're footloose and fancy free, like talking, I don't mean hands off the wheel. I just mean talking to your friends, enjoying. Boom.

[Dawson]

That's the precursor.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the precursor. So if you look cross and miserable when you're driving your car, and that's why I've never been in an accident, I realize my default setting is looking pissed off and irritated at the person in front of me. Thus, never caught by surprise. It's when you're having a good time with at least two or three girls in the car and you're talking, or it's a couple that's going out to dinner and it's like, hey, hey, let's go. Boom. That's when you get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Let that be a lesson to everyone. If you're enjoying yourself in your car, your spidey sense should go off and be like, whoop, something's up.

[Adam Carolla]

Something's about to go crazy.

[Brian Bishop]

I think most accidents are caused by douchebags listening to Steve Miller band in their cars. That's. I'm pretty sure that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are the guys. But you. It goes up at least a hundredfold. I've never seen a commercial where a guy looked like he was miserable and concentrating at the same time and holding the wheel and got into an accident. It's always the middle of a good time. That's right. They're spared.

[Dawson]

My friend actually has a rule that neither he nor his wife can say while they're driving anything like, we have such a good life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just good science. That's just good science.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a good policy to lay down, by the way.

[Brian Bishop]

You shouldn't say that when you're not driving either.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird. Now you guys tell me. I've never really had this thought, but the less religious you are, the more likely you would buy into that kind of stuff. Which is weird, right?

[Dawson]

Well, I think so, because Chris walked me to my car recently, and I was like, Ugh. Black cats crossing my path.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Dawson]

And he's like, I thought you weren't superstitious. I'm like, I'm not. Except for all the superstitious things I've talked about.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you meant there's some black guys who work across the street and you were.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you were worried. Black guy's working. Come on. You ruined your own joke in the setup. Of course we knew you were kidding.

[Allison Rosen]

Fix it in post.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll clean it up. Point is this. I think I've always said there's a little compartment in everyone's brain, and you can fill it with God, or you can fill it with the Wicca, or you can fill it with Santeria, or you can fill it with nature. Sometimes people get really crazy with nature, or you can fill it sometimes with politics, but there's that little space. And I don't know if they've ever done a test, but I would bet you that the people that were closer to atheists than Christian would be more superstitious again, when driving, talking about getting into accidents, walking under ladders that were open and things of that nature, leftover.

[Dawson]

Mystical gobbledygook section of your brain, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Where intellectually you go, I don't believe in God, but I do believe in the science of saying we're having a good life. And then the likelihood of us getting T boned by an 18 wheeler going up tenfold.

[Brian Bishop]

The most religious period in my life was the weeks right before the birth of my kids when I literally would. Not at a gas station, wouldn't let it end on a 13, right? Every single thing.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's not religious.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it was a total superstition. It was total fear trying to work every angle to have a healthy kid right now.

[Adam Carolla]

The Jews have more of that, I think, than Christians. Jews not familiar, have more of that. The knock on wood. Yeah, it's a lot of that.

[Brian Bishop]

Also more money.

[Adam Carolla]

It means. It's weird because, okay, Jews generally pretty educated, a little less religious, but strong with the. Don't end on, you know, I mean, there's no, like, put it this way, every time I've done any project in Hollywood, if I have a showrunner who's like a goyim which knows Jude, obviously, which, by the way, doesn't exist, but you can talk, you can say to those guys, oh, man, this thing is awesome. I know it's gonna get on the air. And they go, man, I'm feeling it too. You know, you say that to the Jewish showrunner, like, please don't What'd you call it?

[Brian Bishop]

A kinohura.

[Adam Carolla]

A kinohura.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't put a kinnahura.

[Dawson]

That was the curse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, the late, great Alan Kirschenbaum would say that all the. Don't even talk. You'd go like, we get into season four, we get some serious syndication, you're gonna ruin it. But wildly educated, not very religious at all.

[Dawson]

And I suspect if pushed, would admit they don't really believe in it, but why take a chance, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But it is weird to me that if you take the one quality to me, as, you know, not Jewish, big fan of the Jews because of my step grandfather. If you take the one quality that the least educated people living in Haiti have and the most educated people living in the Palisades have, they're about the same on the superstitious level, which is usually you don't, you know, when it comes to dental hygiene and things like that, not that much complimentary. Miles apart. Miles apart.

[Allison Rosen]

Superstition.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It is one of those things where Jews are the most educated. I don't want to say least religious, but not the kind of religious, you know, eye in the sky kind of thing, but right up there with the Haitian villager. When it comes to superstition, it's a weird thing to share. That's all I'm saying. All right. I was at the Variety's power of comedy on.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a great Huey Lewis song.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. On Saturday night, Jimmy was the honoree. Found it ironic that it's basically the PC honoree when he's getting all trouble with the Chinese people at the same time. But I was.

[Brian Bishop]

Did they serve a Chinese meal with this show?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they did not. They did something that pissed me off. They served sliders, which, you know, you can't go wrong with a slider. They're just walking around with a tray of sliders.

[Allison Rosen]

So far, so good, right?

[Adam Carolla]

This was a open face slider, like a. Like a. No, no, no. Top bun slider, low carb, which was. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Which is, in fact, not a slider.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not. But okay, fine. The problem with that was I was handed it and the guy was handing him out. Did not have napkins, so he just handed you the slide. You put your finger on top of the meat, and after taking a couple of bites, you realized having had to steal a napkin from the one name that the porcelain punisher forgot to put on my list. Boom. Was it Paul F. Tompkins? No, not Paul F. Tompkins. Who the hell not? Jeff ross. Not Joel McHale, not Aziz Ansari, Will Arnett, Dana Gould, Kevin Nealon, David Spade, Adam Scott.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, how to be Louis CK then?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll figure it out. Who's the guy? Who's the guy at the Gap in his tune?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Paul Scheer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Paul Scheer. Paul Scheer. Thanks, Dick. Thanks. Anyway. Paul Scheer. Yes. Paul Scheer was walking past me with a napkin. He performed. So was Jimmy was front and center being honored, raising money for women's. I don't know what the. I don't know what it was. Women's something. But we. Johnnie Walker.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good cause.

[Adam Carolla]

Women's something.

[Dawson]

Women's causes.

[Adam Carolla]

Women's causes. And I was slated to do standup, but I thought to myself, jesus Christ. Seemed like only last Saturday I was standing in someone's living room doing stand up. And then seemed like only the night before, we were performing. And I thought, every single weekend. And then I thought, fuck it. Why can't I do something easy like not do stand up, you know? So I got James Baby Doll Dixon on the blower, and he went through the list of who was doing what, and it was like, jeff Ross is going to host. Nope. And Z's Ansari, stand up. Nope. Dana Gould, stand up. Kevin Nealon, stand up. David Spade, stand up. Joel McHale giving a toast. I said, ooh, hitch my cart to that team so called Joel up. And I said, joel, you giving a toast? And he said, yes. I'm tired of doing stand up, you son of a bitch. Thinking just the way I think. I said, you know, it'd be great. It'll be even less work than doing a toast. He said, what? You and I doing half a toast? Doing half a toast. Just one slice of bread and that toaster, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Did he bite off on that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. So I was. I actually shot him an email.

[Dawson]

You took a nibble of that idea?

[Adam Carolla]

He nibbled off my toast. He called while I was sitting at the Ikea on Friday and said, let's do it. I said, what do you want to do? And he said, I'll tell a joke. You tell a joke. We'll raise a glass, we'll do a toast. And footnote, what did we make at Ikea I was buying?

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't seem like a very Adam Corolla kind of store.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I say to people all the time. If you can find anything that is prefab, get it?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, kid stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying, I say to people, I tell people this first off, that place has turned into just a huge restaurant. I walked in, I was like, wow, Baby back ribs. I can't believe how much food is going down at Ikea. I mean, you walk, there's rib. The smell of meatballs and ribs wafting through the place. They know what they're doing over there. First off, they zigzag you around. Once you get in, you can't get out. It is the roach motel of would be furniture buyers. You get in and you're like, I don't know where I'm going, but I will walk.

[Dawson]

The scent of elderberry, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I will walk in. I covered 26 miles just walking in a circle around that place. And if you don't eat on the way in, you'll eat on the way out. They have like 50 cent hot dog and you can get a dozen Swedish meatballs for four bucks and bring it home like you should have.

[Dawson]

And everything there is so unpleasant, but the food is pleasant.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't smell. You cannot be around that kind of. You know what? You know what? It's savory. Savory.

[Brian Bishop]

Underrated word.

[Adam Carolla]

Savory will grab your shit by the lapels and drag it into. Down the darkest alley ever. Like, it doesn't, you know, savory, probably only its only competition is horny. Really, in terms of, like, what it'll get you to do. Like, would you think it's a good idea?

[Brian Bishop]

That was the greatest. Vorsch belt comedy duos, Savory and Horny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They worked together for years. They were. Yeah. And then when dementia set in, in the last years of horn, it was so. It got confused, it got sad. It really got sad to see him even do the old stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you name the Beatles song that features the word savory? I'm working on a Beatles special right now. So I'm thinking Beatles all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Norwegian wood.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's in the title. It's in the title.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it from the White Album?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's like called Savory Truffle or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Indeed. Very. Is that what it's called? Very good, good. Paul Beatle mania.

[Dawson]

You're just good at games.

[Allison Rosen]

I love the Beatles and trivia. Yeah, I know all about it.

[Adam Carolla]

So I was. No. What? I would tell people all the time. Mike August said to me, listen, I got a bunch of cabinetry I need done for my kitchen. It's going to be expensive. I said, go to ikea. I said, I don't want that ikea. I said, go there and see if there's something you like. If there's something you like there, go get it. When I used to. When I was a carpenter and people would say, I want some bookshelves. I'd say, go to Ikea. And they'd go, no, I want you to build me the bookshelves. I go, if I build them and I'm inexpensive, it's gonna cost twice as much. Cause it's just fucking volume. It's just volume. If you wanted to build a Ford Fiesta, just bespoke. Ooh, bespoke. Savory, savory. If you want to just build it out of whole cloth, a $14,000 car, it would cost you $700,000 to build that car. Like, it just is versus the mass, just the stuff coming down the conveyor belt. You know what I'm saying? So go to Ikea. I want to do some closet upgrades. I needed some closet stock, and so I said, I'm going there.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it a bespoke closet upgrade?

[Adam Carolla]

It cannot, once it goes to Ikea, can no longer be bespoke. But the restaurant I passed the thing for, like, short ribs. I was going nuts in that place. And then what they do is they.

[Allison Rosen]

Used to be just meatballs.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Oh, no, no, it's all right.

[Brian Bishop]

Last time I was there, it was just a Swedish meatball.

[Adam Carolla]

All I could think of is in some sitcom or in some movie, and I was thinking about my own movie, too. There has to be a character that just eats at Ikea. Never shopped, never bought a thing. Just literally eats there, loves the ribs, loves the meatballs. The prices, they're 50 cents for a hot dog on the way out. They'll catch you on the way out. And then what they do is they put you in a nice long line, and they let you just stare at those meatballs and smell those meatballs on the way out. There's no way. No way to see it.

[Brian Bishop]

Could we go from there?

[Adam Carolla]

We could go there, and.

[Brian Bishop]

I haven't been there. There was just a meatball. I was there 14 years ago, and.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I'm telling you, find me the fucking menu you pass. On the way in, Gary, I saw what looked like great ribs. Although all ribs look great. Wow. There's no picture of bad ribs. So anyway, I'm ready to give Kaelin.

[Allison Rosen]

$40 and have him go down and get us some ribs and meatballs right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I would try. I wouldn't. I'd try that. I'd try that rib meatball combo.

[Brian Bishop]

As a Jew, I'M bespoke. I'm pulling out 50. I'll treat the meatballs if someone will go get them.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I need.

[Dawson]

They're only 3.99.

[Allison Rosen]

It's up the street.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to see those ribs I passed on the way. On the way in. I don't. Maybe they're running a special. I don't know. All right, so Joel called, and we had a nice little talk in the IKEA under the backdrop of the ribs. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I give a footnote before you get into the story? I don't want to rip in the middle. I want to cut off 10,000 tweets right now. The song is called Savoy Truffle, not Savory Truffle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Savoy. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell you about the Savoy Truffle.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I said. Oh, no, I'm just. I think I'm high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, listen. That's what Savory does. Savory and horny. They'll pull you in. They'll ruin you. They'll deplete your fluids, and they'll pack some onto you, too.

[Dawson]

Wait, so should women rub ribs behind their ears?

[Adam Carolla]

It wouldn't hurt. Like I said. Yeah. How could it hurt? So here's the thing. I walked into the Burbank one and saw the big ribbon thing on there, but I'm not now. Gary's not finding ribs on the thing, but we'll see. Maybe it was a special that. Oh, we do. Is that beef ribs?

[Dawson]

Beef rib and chicken dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Well, maybe that's the ribs. Okay, well, you wrote me a note, said you're not finding the ribs. Yeah, that was a different picture I swapped out. Okay. Anyway, good times and nice for that kid Jimmy to finally get all the recognition in this town. Two things. The it was at the Avalon. The Avalon used to be the palace, and it's where they did that movie Against All Odds with James Woods. That was his place. Kid Creole and the Coconuts Appeared were playing in that background background of that movie.

[Brian Bishop]

I love when bands appear for no good reason in movies like that. Like the sparks in Earthquake or whatever it was.

[Adam Carolla]

I also was one of the places of. I think it's. There you go. The drunkest time ever piloted anything which was Pretty in Pink. After party. They had the rave ups or something. They didn't play. What they had was they had the Pretty in Pink party after party at the Palace. The premiere was up the street. The Gromit's Chinese or whatever it was. They had the Egyptian or something back then. And back then, it was the Palace. It was kind of funny, actually, because I was standing sort of just in the crowd talking to Jimmy and talking to Dickie, the Bostones. And I said, man, I was here about 25 years ago, seeing the. And then I all stopped right in the middle, and I looked at Dickey and I said, oh, no, wait. Last time I was here, I saw the bostones perform about 10 years ago. But I was there and told the story in the book. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of random bands and movies, the Boss Tones and Clueless playing, I think, our intro song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm trying. Almost positive about it. I'm trying to think what they were playing in Clueless, but they're definitely in Clueless playing the party. I went to the. I don't know. This must have been 86, maybe 87. I don't know when Pretty in Pink was, but it was. But it's the time when I went there and my designated driver fell off, met a chick, took off. I was in my free booze. I don't know if you guys had a phase, but if something was free, you'd try to kill yourself with that substance. I'm meaning, like, when I was 22, if there was free Ibooger night, I'd OD on someone's ibooger just because it said free Ibooger night.

[Brian Bishop]

It was actually always less popular than Wing night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Where'd you go? Was the song the Boston's played. But to be fair to Brian, they all sound the same. Anyway, I was there. I remember I was drinking greyhounds because I was health conscious, but I drank like, gotta get your grapefruit juice. I drank like, 21 Greyhounds. And the end of the night, I was literally there alone, and I was gonna have to drive my car home and I couldn't walk straight. Now, later on, I vomited in my bathtub. And always a fan of vomiting in the bathtub, by the way. It's a higher percentage place to go for.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're not grabbing hold of a toilet bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably safer place. But anyway, unless my buddy Ray's sleeping in it and vomit somewhere else, which would happen on occasion. But that's when you know, there's a part of me that wants to just hire a PI and go back and. And deconstruct things and figure things out and get to the bottom of many things. That place is that thing. If you can show me a picture of the palace, you'll see it's on Vine. It's on a hill. I, of course, could not pay for valet parking. I of course parked up the hill. And up the hill at the time was a bank that was closed and there was just a decent sized parking lot. It's raining. It was teeming, teeming. Pouring rain. And I stumbled out of the place. The place was all shut down. Everyone had gone home. I was insanely drunk and I staggered up the hill and I found my car. And it was my car parked alone in a parking lot with a driving rain. And I was wearing no raincoat and had no umbrella or anything. And the only other car in the parking lot was a cop car which was parked right next to my car with the windows fogged over. I had no fucking idea why that cop car was parked there. I did not know. You can look at the picture if you see the pals. You can see if you just sort of walk up the hill toward the freeway. It's like a parking lot up there. It wasn't one car away from my car, it was up against my car and there were no other cars in the parking lot. And I just couldn't figure out why would a cop be. Is he getting a blow job? Is he in the place? Is he staking the place? Like, like is he doing a thing.

[Dawson]

Where people go, he's from Finland. Where they have different boundaries?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All these things sprinted through my brain and I kept thinking, is this something he does? Because he knows people go to this club at night and park up here and then show up shit faced at 1am but it was pouring rain. I realized I looked more suspicious standing at the mouth of this parking lot in the pouring rain wearing an ill fitting jacket than I was in my car. And that's when I got in my car and nothing happened. But I realized I haven't started the car. Like my windows are fogged, his windows are fogged. Half of me has to work the next day and wants just the fuck to get out of there. The other part thinks that if I turn the car over, he's going to hit his rollers the second I start the car. Because if I don't start the car, I can say, yes, I was drunk, I got to the car and I was going to sleep it off or something.

[Allison Rosen]

This is Hollywood, 1980, 75ish mid-80s. So he's probably seen a lot worse. Expecting a lot worse. Knowing the cop, he probably was hoping to God you didn't start the car. It's like, let's just let this go. Maybe he'll sleep it off or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting a blowjob Like, I don't know if he was in the car.

[Allison Rosen]

Windows are fogged.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but sometimes when it rains, if it's just right, the windows are just fogged anyway. And sometimes in a car, especially at night. And by the way, my brain was fogged. Like it was dark, it was raining, and I couldn't see in that cop car. Maybe he'd gotten out of the car. I don't know. Like, maybe he was up to. He was probably up to less good than I was. But I still didn't know what the fuck to do with myself.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. He probably wanted nothing to do with you starting your car.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, eventually I started the car. Eventually I backed out. Eventually I drove home. It was raining so fucking hard that you couldn't tell I was driving drunk because nobody could see. Like the freeway was flooded and everyone was all over the fucking place and.

[Allison Rosen]

Perfect scenario.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect scenario. And went and threw up my bathtub. Ah, another happy ending. Borrow.com. b O R R O dot com. You need cash, you need it fast. Where do you go? The bank. You max out your credit card? No, easier, smarter, way faster way to get cash wired to your accounts. Borrow.com. it's brilliant. Talk to these guys. Like, these guys, they give you a great rate. You got something, you got a car, antiques, jewelry. They have a friendly agent. They will assess it, they'll give you the value of it, and then they'll loan it. They'll loan you the money against it. Borrow.com handles everything. They'll appraise it items. And by the way, they'll get the cash wired right to your account, all in as little as 24 hours. That's Borrow.com.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Dawson, even if you don't need cash today, try Borrow.com right now. Just see how it works. Pick any valuable item you own, go to borrow.com, or call and chat with the borrow agent in minutes. You'll get a range of how much cash you can have wired into your account in 24 hours. That's B O R R O dot com. Or call 8889-9578-7088-8995-7870, 888-995-7870 and 7870.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, David Wild in studio. And now it's Graham Parker's birthday.

[Brian Bishop]

Happy Graham Parker birthday to you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very exciting. And I brought a song that I love very much. But then David Wilde brought a Graham Parker song that he loves very much.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you know, he's.

[Adam Carolla]

And I like his song a lot.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, thank you. Should I go first?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think we'll just play one song. We'll play your song.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say this is not my grandfather song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We're so sitting here with David Wild. Not much taller than a 10 year old child.

[Brian Bishop]

I've gotten much taller than.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the best looking guy in the place. Gallagher's hair, DeVito's face makes his pages for the Rolling Stone. A brilliant writer. The evidence shows writing books is also part of his game. If you hear a loud thud, he's just dropping names. Yeah. We're sitting here with David Wilde.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, I interviewed Eddie Murphy this week and I. And I never dropped a name. Oh, oops. I just did.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you?

[Brian Bishop]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Brian Bishop]

I had the greatest interview with him. I'm gonna share it with you soon, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[Brian Bishop]

I had the best time with him.

[Adam Carolla]

I cannot figure him out.

[Brian Bishop]

I had the best time with him. I'm gonna. I'll get this interview to you very soon.

[Adam Carolla]

So now can I ask you this? Yeah. To get to Eddie Murphy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Lots of people to go through hurdles. Don't like white people, climb over. And then a list of questions that you can't ask him.

[Brian Bishop]

Not one bit of that. He asked me to come over and do this. So it was direct from him. I got there, walked in, hung out with him for. In a very, very beautiful house with a very, very beautiful home studio for an hour and a half. It's. It was. He was so. And no one said what to ask. And he brought everything up. I wanted to ask without me having to even push was really, where are.

[Adam Carolla]

We going to find this?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm actually, I think. I think I'm giving it. Because he already did a little thing in Rolling Stone to Billboard and it'll be on billboard.com in the next few days.

[Adam Carolla]

He's always struck me as this really brilliant kind of fucked up guy. Like I couldn't figure. I can't figure out, like him and Mike Myers, you know, like there are people. I'll put it to you this way. There are a lot of comedians that just feel like they hold everyone off at an arm's distance and you never really know who they are constantly.

[Allison Rosen]

And out of a character.

[Brian Bishop]

I met him 15 years ago and it was a different experience and he was great. And he hasn't really. He said it to me. He hasn't been in a movie in basically five years. Tower Heist was. He goes. I did like a week or two because he was a producer on it, but he really has sort of. He's actually focused on this music, which is really good. He's got a song that's actually on the radio now, on R and B radio. And I could play you something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm angry at Tower Heist.

[Allison Rosen]

So are the investors.

[Adam Carolla]

They. Because Alan Alda, they said this is a 1964. This is Steve McQueen's 1964 Ferrari Lusso. Bought it at auction, I don't know, 10 years ago for a million dollars. I could sell it for 10 times. And it was like Steve McQueen owned this car and raced this car. Like he never raced that car. Lusso means luxury or long wheelbase or something. Like it's not a race car at all. But that car, Steve McQueen's Lusso, did sell at auction and it sold like three or four years ago and it sold for like 2.3. They just fucked up the whole thing. You're like the doctor who watches.

[Brian Bishop]

That was really, I think the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that was the problem. Yeah. That's what hurt 2.3 and 09. I don't know why. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

In any case, back to Graham Parker. Back to Graham Parker. But although you could. I could, you know. Yeah, Graham Parker. A song I picked was one that I kept asking him about. When you remember, of course, our wonderful scene together.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Graham and I, and this is 40s, we had six hours or eight hours to not talk so that we could be heard because the main scene was Paul Rudd and Lena Dunham and all. And we had to be in the long shot. So I'm just like whispering questions like, Alec Wind album, my favorite song, you know, that sort of thing. This is my favorite song from that album.

[Adam Carolla]

Howling wind's probably 77 early.

[Brian Bishop]

It's one of the. Yeah, it's very early, Graham.

[Adam Carolla]

76.

[Brian Bishop]

And it's a song called between youn and Me. It's like a two minute song. We could actually listen the whole thing. I won't talk. So beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all that's left between you and me oh, yeah Say that's all that's left between you and me. It's a good live version of this song. It's out there somewhere too. Next thing I knew I was being carried out to see you. Somebody whispering, hey, what is wrong with me? And that's all that's left between you and me.

[Brian Bishop]

Because people think of him as like new wave or, you know, and he came out of something called pub rock and it's sort of like white guys who could actually sing soul. And he's like A great white soul singer. Just inexplicably good. This is kind of like Birdsies. And in fact, Roger McGuin cut it a couple years later.

[Adam Carolla]

That ways in somebody's eyes when they really. All I knew was a stone crashing around W w w w Nothing more silence not even a sound and that's all that's left between you and me yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah say that's all that's left between you and me and that's all that's left between you and me yeah, yeah, yeah it's amazing.

[Brian Bishop]

That guy. This count that only has three fans, but they're Adam Corolla, Judd Apatow and me. I know I don't really count, but those are two good fans that it makes for kind of empty audiences shows.

[Adam Carolla]

I just picture myself living in my dad's garage in North Hollywood in 1981, listening to Graham Parker all the time and wondering why I never got laid.

[Brian Bishop]

The weirdest thing was when Graham Parker and the rumor reunited for the film. Judd said, come on over. It was like two or three days before I shot my scene. But he goes, just come watch this. And the weirdest thing was there was a audience of casted like 30 year olds who fucking didn't know who he was. Who had to be told, act excited, act excited. And in the back there was Paul Rudd and Apatow and I going like losing our minds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Having to reel it in a little bit. Yeah. Hallin Wynn, I think he said. Is that al? Yeah, probably 76. Gary O'. Hare.

[Brian Bishop]

That sounds right. And then heat treatment would have been like the next year or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then squeezing out sparks, maybe something like that. Anyway, Lifelock, baby. Identity thieves, man, they're shrewd. They ain't the old school. You know those guys you see on those alarm commercials kind of look like Dawson, right? Kicking in the front door.

[Allison Rosen]

Clean cut, freshly shaven Dawson.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, those guys, like after the party, coming back for a little dessert. Not those guys. These guys are shrewd criminals. Little Savoy Truffle they're going to steal. April 76 is when it came out. They're going to steal your identity, baby. Lifelock ultimate, the most comprehensive ID theft protection ever created. Because this is a. This is. This is, I would say. And you guys should all just work it out this way. Statistically, when it comes to being a victim of crime, this is how you're gonna be victimized. I mean, you live where we live and you live in the time we live in. And you're not, you know, rolling around with the Crips and the Bloods and so on and so forth. Yeah, yeah. This is how most of us, this is going to be how we're going to be victimized.

[Brian Bishop]

You haven't been victimized this way.

[Adam Carolla]

I have. Oh, well, now you need Lifelock. I need this Lifelock. You need Lifelock ultimate baby. It's a new science. And ID theft protection.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Dawson Lifelock services can't protect you or your bank accounts if you're not a member. So as a special holiday gift, Lifelock is offering Adam Carolla show listeners 15% off your LifeLock ultimate membership. Call or visit LifeLock.com and use promo code Adam15. That's promo code Adam15. For your 15% off holiday gift, call 8004-9650-3080-0496-50308, 049650. 30. Network does not cover all transactions and scope may vary. Offer ends 1231 13.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we have a little baldiwood. I say we take one phone call and then we get our movie review in, shall we? All right, let's talk to Matt Grant Parker. Adam, thank you so much for taking my call. By the way, As I recall, Matt44, Pennsv, what's going on? Well, you inspired me. Longtime fan of yours, first time caller. Thank you. Yeah, you inspired me to start my own podcast and I've been doing it for about two and a half years now and I have about 164 episodes in so far. And I do like a long form interview kind of format like you do when you have guests in there. Because I love how, you know, you really allow time to let people open up about topics that don't usually come up on the late night talk shows. And I try to follow, you know, that as closely as I can. And I'm just wondering about how to take that to the next level. You know, when you have a guy like me who nobody knows who he is, and you have a lot of celebrities starting podcasts and comedians and things have podcasts out there. So, you know, I was thinking about what would you have done in the early days? I know you did stand up and you did radio and now you're very successful with podcasting. But if you were just starting out now and you chose podcasting, what approach would you take? Well, first I would try to the only, I mean, there's only one possible way to build an audience realistically. But I think it feels, I mean, what would you do if you started A restaurant, you know, first thing you do is you'd serve really good food. And then the next thing you do is every time somebody came in and said that lasagna was delicious, you'd say, please tell a friend, tweet a friend next time, and bring them with you. And that's about all I can think of. I mean, the one thing that is nice. Here we are in 2013. We've not really figured out a way around a high quality product. Audis were shit for a long time, and now Audis make a really good product. And thus they sell a lot of their product. They didn't sell so many when they were shit. And then it took a little period of time where people are like, weren't they shitty? And then somebody said, oh, no, they're good. And now they sell a lot of products. Pontiac used to sell quite a few products, and now they don't sell as many products because their products aren't as strong. You can say this for. I was looking at. I was just watching the ticker on a news show I was watching and it said Chipotle. And I don't even know if they have Chipotle nationwide, but the stock was like 700 bucks or something. It was higher than Apple. And I thought, what are they doing? There's a Mexican food joint on every corner in Southern California. Well, and what are they doing? Beef and beans and rice and tortillas and oh boy, look out world. They're reinventing this whole thing called. It's just, do you want cheese? Do you want guacamole? I mean, it's all the same. But they figured out a way to up the quality a little bit. Everyone's friendly. You walk into that place, it's not, God, someone's come through the door. They do something where they tell people, be friendly, have a smile on your face, offer consistent product. And next thing you know, they're opening another store and the next thing you know, their stock is going up. Like, I don't feel like I've been hit over the head with Chipotle. I was driving home from. By the way, the word Chipotle didn't mean anything five years ago to me.

[Dawson]

What was Chipotle?

[Adam Carolla]

Chipotle. I was driving home from. The only thing that was exciting about it is getting Dave Damaschek to say Chipotle. I think I was driving home from San Diego and we stopped like the gas up, like halfway between. And then, eh, it's Chipotle. Let's try it out. You know, it's good. And then they opened up and, you know, word gets around.

[Brian Bishop]

I. Matt, I think that he's trying to. Adam is saying try to add salsa to your podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I like the smoky stuff myself. By the way, Sheck is going to return very soon. He's busy doing some NFL stuff. People have been asking where the Sheck's are.

[Dawson]

Well, that's a good question. Do you think a super duper, high quality product can exist undiscovered on the Internet for a long time? Because I think that's the question. I think there's this idea that there's so much stuff out there that you could be super great and no one's going to find you and you're going to stay like that forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The first thing you need to do, whether you're a podcast, a Mexican food joint, or a band or an artist, is be super great. Then the gods will decide if you end up being Graham Parker or John fucking Cougar fucking Mellencamp.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not making any choice distinction there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not. But now I'm sure John fucking Shitty Cougar fucking mellencamp has made $10 billion more than Graham Parker. But Graham Parker's always gonna make a living.

[Allison Rosen]

He was smart to make his name shorter.

[Adam Carolla]

But the first thing I know you need to do is be good. That much I know. There's not gonna be any fooling anybody these days, I think.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I make a suggestion to Matt?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

One media thing. And maybe Alison could help you also. I was just working on something with a record industry guy named Jimmy Iovine, very famous, and he said, build your story where you are. So one thing you could do is go to your local papers and ask them if you could do an article on a podcast grows in. I don't know what town in Pennsylvania you're in, but, you know, is it a big town or small town?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Bethlehem. I'm kind of halfway between Philadelphia and New York.

[Brian Bishop]

So I would go to every Bethlehem paper and ask if you can get someone to do an article on what it's like to try to do a podcast to build something nationally out of Bethlehem. And, you know, and that's a good. And then use social media, which is really the quickest way.

[Adam Carolla]

It does seem like a tremendous douchebag. I got a great local boy makes good. Who we talking about? Me.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a story set in the future. This is a fantasy.

[Adam Carolla]

This is about a local guy who's made good.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a screenplay you wrote.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a story about me.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a story, a short story, a novella.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called A Microphone in a Dream.

[Brian Bishop]

He doesn't have a team of publicists like you do, working around the clock to try to conjure up, that's true. Situations of mass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. How many? How many? How many? Would you. Would you like to interview David Wilde very quickly? Absolutely. I'm sorry, that can't be. No, you can do it. Go ahead, interview David. Ask David Wilde some questions about Eddie Murphy. I want to know about Eddie Murphy. Yeah. So how was it when you interviewed Eddie Murphy? Did you say you did it at his house?

[Brian Bishop]

I did it at his house. It was incredibly comfortable, loose. He actually played me a bunch of music and showed me some video. It was. He was everything like, it's funny. I think one of my favorite Eddie Murphy movies is Bowfinger with him and Steve Martin where he plays like the elusive superstar. And I think that he's been that guy. But he was in great form, Matt.

[Adam Carolla]

So gone are the days of when he lived in New Jersey and Bubble Hill, I think was the name of the unapproachable fortress that he had.

[Brian Bishop]

He lived next to my dad, weirdly enough. My dad lived in when he lived in Englewood and also in Alpine, and he lived down the block from my dad. And weirdly, as elusive as he may have been in those days, he invited my old Jewish dad, businessman father over for like a Christmas party. He was actually pretty nice to him. And I did. I mentioned on the show here once to Adam about the Isa brothers built a house next door to him and they tried to build like this giant 300 room mosque looking house and they ran out of money and got into tax trouble. So there were little old Jewish ladies in the neighborhood throwing rocks, trying to knock it down. And we had a good laugh about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Matt. Yes, sir. Not a bad job. How many listeners do you figure you have about now? I have a few thousand downloads a month. All right, you get those people to tell somebody. As we always say on this show, that's our form of advertising. You like it, you listen. Your co workers listen, you turn them onto that. Parents, friends, family, all that good stuff. All right, should we do some Baldiwood? Let's do that. Hooray for Baldiwood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue before you spend bucks. Remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers to Hooray for bounty Wood.

[Allison Rosen]

I saw Ender's Game, which Dawson would call it Hender's Game. Ender's Game is in theaters now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

This is directed by Gavin Hood. He did X Men Wolverine a few years ago. It's starring a bunch of kids. Aza Butterfield. He was the kid in Hugo. I don't know if you guys saw Hugo.

[Adam Carolla]

Good movie.

[Allison Rosen]

A couple years ago. Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit is in this. She's a little grown up now. And Abigail Breslin, who is a little Miss Sunshine, she's in this also, along with Harrison Ford, Viola Davis and Ben Kingsley.

[Adam Carolla]

Did Harrison Ford want to be there?

[Allison Rosen]

It's very hard to tell these days with Harrison Ford.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think he's.

[Allison Rosen]

I hate to be ageist, but I don't think he's comfortable. Just. I think this movie is surrounded by green screen. I don't think there were very many real things around them. Maybe they're clothes, but there's a lot of green screen.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when they explain how difficult it is because they go, you know that T. Rex isn't really in the room with you. You have to pretend. And it's like. Like. Right. Tom Hanks didn't really have aids, but he had to pretend.

[Brian Bishop]

Sort of the definition of acting.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of acting's a lot of pretending. Yeah. You're not actually especially.

[Brian Bishop]

Plus, it would be more difficult if a dinosaur really were there. Yeah, that would be.

[Allison Rosen]

You got a PETA and got a dinosaur around.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not really going to become Abe Lincoln. You're just gonna pretend to be one of the Kennedys or Abe. That's called acting. Understood.

[Allison Rosen]

This is adapted from a novel by Orson Scott Card that I have not read. So maybe some things in the film are clear to those who are familiar with the book. I know Gary, I think liked the book and the movie. So this is just going off what I saw in the film. So here's the story. About 75 years from now, Earth is attacked by aliens and they decimate.

[Brian Bishop]

You mean from outer space aliens or like Gabriel Iglesias?

[Allison Rosen]

Unclear. They. They allude to it being outer space. Aliens were attacked and they kill tens of millions of people. We narrowly defeated them when one of our hero pilots flew his plane into their mothership. Like battlefield or not battlefield.

[Adam Carolla]

Earth Independence Day.

[Allison Rosen]

Independence Day style. Yes. Right into the thing and defeated them. Now it's 50 years later and we've decided that kids are our best hope. And we need to train kids to lead the preemptive attack on the aliens just in case of next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

It's unclear because. It's unclear why. Because the kids are thrust into battle right away in this world. So I don't know why we're training kids for the future. It's kind of like the future is now, but regardless, it's like Pacific Rim meets Harry Potter. That's a very, very apt description. I would say.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole alien thing. There's something in all of us that we were talking about savory earlier. There is that thing in all of us that just feels like there's gotta be something out there. They gotta be eyeballing us. And I know they want Florida. They're coming for Florida. I know they're fucking eyeballing us. They want our shit first.

[Dawson]

Florida. And they're probing our butts.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. They want something. They want what we got. And eventually in some form is the butt of America. So it's true. They're gonna knock over the Statue of Liberty and fuck up the Hollywood sign. That's what they want.

[Dawson]

Of course. Wouldn't that be the first thing you would do in a new land?

[Adam Carolla]

It is a. It's a sort of global version of what.

[Brian Bishop]

We're gonna go to Amoeba and catch a movie at the Arc Light.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're looking, they're eyeballing us. They want our shit and they want to enslave us and they're coming after us. Yeah. Because it never as a again. It's like teenage girls with a good looking guy clamping down on their neck. There's no generation that goes. There's always a 14 year old that's intrigued by that notion. Right. There's always. There has. I mean, I'm trying to think of the genre, but since what I'm saying is we had westerns and then westerns sort of burnt out and then they burnt out and went away for 25 years. And then it kind of trickled back a little. But the whole doing battle with the alien thing has never gone away. Right.

[Dawson]

It's like earliest themeless.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. This is a big summer movie for November. Had this come out in the summer, I think it would have been somewhere towards the middle. In terms of quality. Not awful, but not great either. Here's the biggest problem. The entire movie is training exercises and simulations. That's 98% of the film. It's like if you're going to see Friday Night Lights and all they do is scrimmage, they never actually play A game, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's. And then I will say for the people who've seen it and like it, there's a cool twist at the end that kind of reveals some. It is a good twist. I won't reveal it, obviously, but it kind of. Here's the problem. It's supposed to change the way you feel about the movie, but you've already seen the movie, so you already feel a certain way. It's a long way to go for above average twist. All right, if you're a fan of the book, you'll like the movie. But if you're. If you haven't seen it or, excuse me, haven't read the book, you could do a lot better. I say rent Pacific Rim or better yet, Elysium, which I liked a lot. If you think this looks good, those would be better movies that you'll like. C and not terrible, but all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hooray for Bounty Ward. I. I don't know where you guys are at. I don't like reading, so that's me. But then I don't like the crazed fantasy. I always feel like there's so many cool, interesting stories out there that I just want to hear all those stories and you just can't. The documentaries, but even the stuff based on a true. Whatever. Or there's just so much out there that. The crazed fantasy on the seven novels that came before it. I mean, I remember as a kid with the whole hobbit stuff and all that. I just remember. What the fuck is this for?

[Dawson]

Does time travel interest you at all?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, anything done well interests me. I just don't. The full blown fantasy stuff in the series of books you read as a kid. I don't know why. I just.

[Brian Bishop]

What if you could be here and.

[Adam Carolla]

In IKEA at the same time having savory something Savory. Yeah, but like, I couldn't. I couldn't get it. Here's what I couldn't get into. I couldn't get into comic books at all. Comic books were like, what the fuck is that for? And then. But I never. I never got into baseball cards. And I love sports, but cards about sports seem to be the opposite of sport.

[Brian Bishop]

If there was a John Hyatt comic.

[Adam Carolla]

Book, I think he would have been way. Even Graham Parker, you know, he could take over the world. No, what I'm saying is like, yes, I love playing sports, but reading cards and statistics on guys who play sports almost feels like the opposite of sports to me.

[Dawson]

And as someone who enjoys neither, I think collecting Baseball cards is a different endeavor entirely. It's a different part of you than the thing that plays sports.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It is.

[Dawson]

It's a sports agent.

[Brian Bishop]

It lets you become a sports agent.

[Adam Carolla]

And the guys who play sports have no. None of the guys, none of the jock guys I knew had any interest in collecting anything except for pussy pelts. Wow.

[Dawson]

Pussy pelts.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Hang them on their wall, make a shawl, collect and trade. There was some trading. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

This will be an interesting experiment because your kids are not too far away from getting into the hole they're in a couple years. Sonny is gonna be the right age for Enders game, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. He's already got his, like, Pokemon trading cards and shit like that.

[Allison Rosen]

You're forced to watch these movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck no. That's what booze is for. All right, let's see. Adam Ray is out there. Comedian Adam Ray, good friend Adam Ray. We'll bring him in a second. Us Hooters downtown this Sunday. David Alan Greer float on. You guys have been wanting it. Now you're going to get it. David Alan Grier, 4:30 free. Come on in. Free. Also Santa Monica free on Sunday, December 1, at the Hooters. Come on in. Have a little mangria. Say hi. Yeah, and like that there, we got some new hats and some new T shirts, some new logos and all that kind of stuff. And you can go to AdamCroll.com store. So if you want to check that out, we'll take a quick break. Oh, I'm sorry, David. Wild. I don't have your stuff in front of me. Wild about music. Where do we go?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's just go with Wild about music. Let's get me back to 30,000 for Hanukkah. I think that's a good mission. Help the. Help the under 30 list.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And Adam Ray in next. Adam Ray in studio.

[Pat O'Brien]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Always good to see Adam.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, thanks, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

At Harland Williams place watching some MMA fights some months back and then doing stand up at this car thing and coming on the show. Always a delight.

[Adam Ray]

Thanks, buddy. Brought you in. Now you can see me in the. Your brand new copy of the Heat on DVD and Blu Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The Heat is one of those movies where when I saw the commercial, I kind of went, okay, not another one. And then people.

[Adam Ray]

Shanghai Knights.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And people kind of started saying, oh, no, it's. It's a funny movie.

[Allison Rosen]

I had the exact same reaction when I saw the trailer. I was like, I know. I know exactly where this is going. And it was a really funny movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we're going to be watching.

[Dawson]

I really liked it too.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, by the way, can be found. Well, he's got his podcast about last night. Brad Williams, our good friend Brad Williams, available on itunes. And doing some stand up comedy. The Tacoma Comedy Club, that's coming up November 21st through the 23rd. And then flappers Comedy Club in Burbank out here on 29th. So what is the schedule when you do like the 21 through the 23rd, when you're doing stand up, that's a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah, I use one Thursday, two Friday to Saturday. Yeah, one Sunday.

[Adam Ray]

No, no Sunday. I've only done a couple weekends where I've done the Sunday. I've done two weekends where they've been three shows on Saturday. Have you ever done that? Is bananas. It's like the midnight show and both were like, decently attended. But the people are just. Yeah, it's just, you know, it's. I mean, I've done so many, like bar shows or college to deal with that. But man, they're just. They're bringing a different energy of just like midnight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, the midnight show. People are getting sloppy fucking drunk.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. Most of them are dying in car crashes on the way home and.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not most, but 40%. Yes, at least. And they just yell out weird shit too.

[Adam Ray]

Like, they'll just be like, talk about this. Or one of them will just like, say, make fun of my buddy Kyle. I'm like, right, oh, yeah, what's for?

[Adam Carolla]

For what?

[Adam Ray]

For picking you as a friend. Like, what do you want me, like. And he's like, nice fucking. He's just always like doing gay shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, yeah, it's Kyle. Yeah, you know Kyle. Such a fuck up, man.

[Adam Ray]

But they get to that place of drunkness where they just expect. They think that that's the type of show that they walked in for. Which I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

It was probably the second or third show in San Francisco when the super drunken chick got torn out of the place. That was me. Yeah. And that was. Had a run of three shows at Cobbs in San Francisco on a Thursday night, and then three shows Friday night and three shows Saturday night in Seattle, Kirkland, Washington. It's three nights. And that's when I was stupid. I'd do 100 minutes a show. Like, I didn't know. Like, I thought, well, you got to give them at least 90 minutes, otherwise they're gonna get pissed off. There's no opener and there's no middle. So it was just 300 minute shows back to back to back.

[Adam Ray]

How are you feeling by that last one?

[Adam Carolla]

I was fine.

[Adam Ray]

You rally, you figure out he's wised.

[Dawson]

Up and now he does personal sets for people in their living rooms.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Gotta give the kids what they want now. How much time are you doing?

[Adam Ray]

I do, you know, I know it's like 45 minute minimum. But I like to do. I do at least 50 and then I don't like to get greedy though. Like I have like there's been this last. I was just in Bloomington, Illinois this past weekend. Where exactly and. But the crowds were awesome. And one of the shows they on Saturday was the last one. They were just so I did like maybe an hour 10. But like even then I feel like I'm. I don't want to, you know, I know some people are just like, I did like an hour and 40 minutes and they were loving it. But it's like, I don't know. I'd rather keep them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I should come back.

[Adam Ray]

But I mean it's tough sometimes if a certain crowd is just better than the rest of them. You don't want to get off. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the late night crowd is insanely drunk or any place in Canada is usually, as I found out in Vancouver, insanely drunk.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, they were hammered. Like they took me to this bar called Six String, which was like a western bar, which I'd never, I've been to a couple of those. They had the mechanical bull. That's what sold me. I was like, oh, I can go have some drinks and watch girls fall off. Dude. I saw some of the most that should be like either a like true TV show. Like people violently fought. Like the guy is this just fat dude eating burgers, turning the dials. He just holding people's fate in their hand. These people were violently getting thrown off this bull. Like picture like a. To where and they have the, you know, the like almost like bumpers for a bowling alley on the outside for people to bump into. But like that's not really protecting.

[Adam Carolla]

Well also this notion of let's eat, let's eat a lumberjack stack of baby back ribs. Then let's do eight Jaeger shots. Then let's get on this barca lounger that's pneumatic and can throw us 20ft in the air. It's just like the worst combination ever. Like it's the kind of thing, it's kind of thing you do in Bloomington. You're not dressed for it, you know. What?

[Adam Ray]

I mean you're falling out of everything.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy would make a difference.

[Allison Rosen]

Undressed world, let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just kidding.

[Dawson]

Helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the kind of thing I could think if I got up and had a power bar, a cup of coffee and some stream water and then was.

[Allison Rosen]

Able to stretch an eight months training.

[Adam Carolla]

Stretch really?

[Adam Ray]

Well, stretching is the key that nobody.

[Adam Carolla]

Stretch really well and put on some sensible sweatpants and a sweat jacket and wore some running shoes. I could see myself attempting this, but being shit faced and filled with ribs and Jagermeister and wearing my new religion jeans as I'm apt to do.

[Dawson]

Well, they just make your butt look so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what makes them look good is the ostrich skin boots. Which put me up another three that doing a thing. So I can either. There's some point where you're gonna land and you're gonna crush your orbital socket by your own kneecap. Hey, but you got a great story to tell me where you're fucking. What happened to your orbital socket? My right knee crushed it. Like that's bad news.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, used to be in a rodeo? No, no, just that bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean it's not a real bull. I mean you can't fuck it because one dude, one dude did get pretty fucked up and make a run at it.

[Adam Ray]

You would have to make a run at it if we're talking about how to fuck a bullet.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it depends because I found if you grease the palm of the guys operating it, he can kind of look the other way. This was that big yawn move. Well, I'm gonna go hit the bathroom. I have a smokes. Anyone need anything? All right, I'll take 10. And that's when you come up on the back of a cat.

[Adam Ray]

That's when you take control.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Adam Ray]

He, it was funny. There was a girl, really attractive girl who was on it and she, she was so drunk though, and she had a tough time getting on and then she kind of fell off before he even started. And I go to him, I go, hey man, you're gonna give her a chance to get back on, right? And he turns around and looks at me and just goes, what are you, gay? He goes, obviously I'm gonna let her get back on. She's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

I was like, okay, man, just to look out for.

[Adam Carolla]

There's definitely gonna be some thong back involved here at some point. You get that? You get that mechanical bull going?

[Dawson]

Yeah, what are you gay? Is an interesting thing to ask in that scenario because you Looking out for her suggests you're gay. Cause she's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think he was, like, seeing her skirt flying over her hair. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

I think he was like, what do you think? I don't wanna let people let her get thrown off and let her, like, try to ride this thing. That'll exude sexual.

[Adam Carolla]

I also feel like that area, in terms of the. There's gotta be a fucking cleanup aisle yak over there with the vomit comet bull. I mean, there should be people yakking all the time. Oh, sure.

[Dawson]

And is that just the barback's job? Is there a special vomit scooper rodeo.

[Adam Carolla]

Clown comes running out? No, but I mean, like, I would build that mechanical bull. I would put a drain in the slab because. And a hose bib because that. That shit. I mean, just throwing up around that much Styrofoam padding and stuff and crevasses and, you know, not a good thing, right? So did you ride the bull?

[Adam Ray]

No, I didn't. I didn't get drunk enough.

[Brian Bishop]

Also.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Adam Ray]

I watched enough. And also after my interactions with the. The captain with the turn dials, I was like, all right. I don't trust what he's about to do to my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I also feel those guys are probably like the Blue angel guys, which is if they get some guy up there and they don't fuck him up, they're not doing their job.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you. If you fly with the Blue Angels, they're going to make you throw up. You know what I mean? Now, why climbing into a fucking cockpit, something the size of a Smart car, and then your job is to get chubby celebrity to yak in my Smart Car. Otherwise I'm gonna get made fun of when we get back to the parking lot. It doesn't seem like a great plan for the guy who's trapped in there. It's not like he can crack the window.

[Allison Rosen]

Joke's on you.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

Among other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I would. I would. I would say to my Blue angel guy, like, you know, by all means, let's have some fun up here. Yeah. But if you get me to yak, you can either punch out of this thing or just breathe my yak until we land. There's not like you're gonna fucking open the wind wing of your F18 and hang your head out going like, ah, fuck. Come on, man. It's brutal, dude. Get out. You know, I mean, you're just trapped. There's no.

[Dawson]

Yeah, you're. Yeah, cabin or directly into his mouth, baby bird style.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We could be inverted or doing some outer whatever and the thing could just be splatting against the canopy. Like, I think I would tell that guy I fucking. And I ate. Here's how you fuck Hungarian. I ate Hungarian. Yeah. Here's how you fuck.

[Adam Ray]

While we're up here.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what would work? Here's what I think would work. I think a casual conversation with the guy. Sure. Because these guys, these pilots, they're pretty straight laced dudes, you know? And they're probably burgers and fries guys. Totally. But I bet if you brought up like Indian food to them, they'd be like, ugh, fucking curry makes me nauseating to go. Really? Guess it's for dinner. Went to the new deli. It's the new new, new. Do they just open a new new deli? And I just fucking ate a ton of curry food. I had a fucking ton of Indian food, a ton before I came here. So if you don't want that in your. I feel like they take it a little easy on the. On the. Yo.

[Adam Ray]

Probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dawson]

Everyone should find out what their kryptonite is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll guarantee that every one of those guys has a kryptonite. As a food, I'd say, I bet you Indian food. I bet those guys hate Indian food because they're that American.

[Allison Rosen]

What about a different. What about different texts saying like, if I have one fault is that I am a really generous tipper. I mean, if I have a good experience, I am. I am just apt to throw money around and show them.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think they're allowed to take tips. I don't think they're. But in the cool uniform department. The Blue Angels. Yeah. Tight jumpsuits.

[Adam Ray]

Fuck yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Boots.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, that.

[Adam Carolla]

Boots that zip with the zipper on the side. I like that guy. It's like, do you want convenient? Do you want support? Like, what do you want now? I want boots. And they're gonna have a zipper on the side and then laces on the front. Yeah, it's the shit.

[Adam Ray]

And they're just missing goggles. Otherwise look like double dim suitcases.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're wearing the aviator glasses. Yeah, they're wearing that. They're wearing that weird cap where it's. It's gotta be off just a little bit. It's really the only time a white guy can pull off off with a cap. You know what I mean? White guy can't do that with a base. He can't do it with a beret, but he can do it with that cap. I don't even know what that cap is, but it can fold up and go right up your ass. Like, literally. You can store it nowhere. Sun visors good enough to store that. What is that hat called?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

That. It's. It's. It's a blue angel.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, it's like a naval cadet.

[Adam Carolla]

It's flat. It like tucks into their belt when they're not. Find me the. Find me the blue angel.

[Adam Ray]

It's like a. It's like a. It's the fedora before the fedora. It's like a more fedora pre fedora.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a hat. It's got a little fast food in it.

[Adam Ray]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, it's got a little. That McDonald's kind of cat.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a golf. What Payne Stewart used to wear.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, it's like I might fly. It definitely has a little bit of, like, I might fly a plane at a fair or I might make you a fucking milkshake.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, it's. It's very exciting. Yeah. I work. I work at the. You know, I work at the Steak n Shake kind of hat. I gotta figure that hat out. Find me the Blue Angels outfit. There it is. But it's not.

[Dawson]

Ooh. You could turn it upside down and use it as a boat.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a doughboy hat, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got it fully opened. I need. But that. I need some head to toe on these dudes. But it's a great.

[Dawson]

I think flight attendants a long time ago might have worn something similar to that. Askew.

[Adam Carolla]

Love those.

[Adam Ray]

They gotta get back to those days.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are like pillbox hats, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Greatest gig. Oh, yeah. Pillbox. I miss. All right. Speaking of box nature box, baby. Mmm. Mmm. Hungry, Middle of the day. Want a snack? Don't want to get a bunch of orange stuff all over your little fingers over there. They've brought us. These guys make just super high quality, high nutrition snacks. Crisp Maxapata devours all of them over here. It's the problems we never really get. I mean, what I have. I was eating the almonds the other day.

[Dawson]

The chia seed crackers are good too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, those are good. The almonds. The almonds are great. They got.

[Allison Rosen]

They like cinnamon almonds or something.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I like that combination.

[Adam Carolla]

French toast, granola, salted caramel, pretzel pops. Jesus darn cocoa omelettes. Yep. Me too. I mean, move over, tell the bull you're in your refractory period designed to leave you full and Totally healthy, zero trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup, and nothing artificial. Just like if the smartest person you knew designed a vending machine, this is what would come out of it. Super high nutrition snacks. And you can try Naturebox, and you get 50% off your first order. Go to naturebox.com, use the promo code ADAM, or click the naturebox [e-mail] try it. Take my word for it. Ah, there they are. Look at that. Wearing the boots and the jumpsuit with the stripe on it and the cap. I mean, that is just. That's a hell of an outfit. Fit all right? Yes.

[Adam Ray]

I mean, they look. You ever see that movie Blue Chips with Nick Nolte?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

They look like maybe like if. Like if they had a mascot, if they were like the. The cadets or something. That.

[Adam Carolla]

That was Shaquille o' Neal in that movie, right?

[Adam Ray]

Penny Hardaway.

[Adam Carolla]

Underrated, right? Never really pops up. I don't see it on cable very often. All right, should we do a little news? Allison Rosen.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Yes, the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Dawson]

So crazy weather currently in the Midwest. You were just there, right? How did it affect you?

[Adam Ray]

It kept me in Bloomington for another six hours. Caught my flight in Detroit by maybe three minutes. Had to run home alone style from one end of the airport to the other and then get there at the front just panting. And they just look at me like, congratulations, now you're a of the Delta Health Club. I was like, you trying to make a joke? She's like, yeah, you gotta enlighten the moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you doing an Asian again?

[Adam Ray]

My impressions, Adam, that is so offensive.

[Adam Carolla]

To our Asian community.

[Adam Ray]

Spot on. It was terrible, though, the tornadoes. They told me at one point I was gonna have to go into a shelter, which I assume just to hide.

[Adam Carolla]

From a battered man or because of the tornado. Are we shifting gears? It was what I did.

[Adam Ray]

My segues into domestic abuse are not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not clean at all. I thought you were at an airport.

[Dawson]

A multi state outbreak of tornadoes. So there's damage in several states, including Missouri, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois. I think it's the worst in Illinois.

[Adam Ray]

Let me just say, I did not feel safe in my Fairfield Inn at all. No, I mean hail, just pounding.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

I mean, what did it look like out the window?

[Adam Ray]

No joke. Craziest. Storm I've ever seen. Like, I mean, it was the amount of rain, like, it looked like I thought it was hail. And then it was just hard balls of rain. And I was like, well, that's a.

[Adam Carolla]

New piece of work. Adam told me candidly, off the air, he was this close to not beating off first. Third time. This, this close. Because of that weather, she did not feel safe at all.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, man, when you feel like, you know, some sort of little. You just gotta ride it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Well, you're soothing yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Comfortable for sure.

[Adam Ray]

Also, you have to do something. Yeah. To kind of like make yourself feel like you're not gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

And being at Fairfield in the TV that you can, cannot control, you don't have dominion over. It used to be a push like, like I had a 22 inch color TV at home with a remote. And then when you travel, there would be a 22 inch color TV with a remote. Now your TV is 50 inches and it's filled with all your shows. Then you go on and you're on the road and you're watching local this or espn3. Or just a weird thing of being at the mercy of the TV set.

[Adam Ray]

They give you the last channel of every option. Like you said, ESPN3 or MTV6, which isn't even out yet, but they're already giving it to you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And remote takes hours to, like figure out. When you press like 2, it's like 5.

[Dawson]

The delay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the delay. Oh, and is it 2 or is it 02? Could we please just decide on that in the remote?

[Allison Rosen]

Is it 002?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus, no. Yeah. And then I know, I love the first world problem, but, but. And then there's always some wise acre goes like, you got an iPad? And I go, yeah, and I go, we just watch greatest super bowl highlights on your iPad. And it's like the fucking screen is 8 inches. It's too small. It's not. No. I want a big tv.

[Dawson]

Well, let's talk about this one, because this happens to me repeatedly. You accidentally hit menu, thinking that'll give you the channel guide.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

But it doesn't. It gives you that thing where it's like movies, hotel info, checkout, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And there's that big red, red bar at the top where it's like, oh, this should be power, but it's not the power. And then there's the one where you're trying to point. And then there's the one where you're rolling the greatest attack ever. I think we had this when we were in New York last is when you check in. And they don't fucking tell you that unless you put this card into this slot. That by the way will be behind the door when you open the front door, will be hidden behind it. Nothing in this room will work. And you walk in and plop down and you grab the remote and you do the thing and you go, oh, fuck with the batteries. And then you undo it and roll the battery, do the thumb roll, that'll do it.

[Dawson]

And the lights aren't working.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you get, well, the thing that's weird is you check in. We checked in at like 4 in the afternoon. So it was that point where you didn't need to turn the lights on. And if you just walked in and plopped down onto the bed, you pick up the remote, but you wouldn't turn the lights on if the windows shades were open. So it's that weird. Then you start doing that. I don't know how many hours I have tied up into the. Am I supposed to point this at the tv? Because the box is over there. Yeah. Do you point it at the box or at the tv? Wouldn't it be great if there was just some sort of universal set of fucking TV hotel rules that were just all.

[Adam Ray]

They sound like problems that should be happening in like 1988, like not in 2000.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And you know you said you're in Detroit.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, when I was in Bloomington, then got to Detroit.

[Adam Carolla]

When I was in Detroit. They do that. They do that same thing all the time. So you turn the TV on and what you'd like it to be is on the station it was on last, but it always reboots and just goes to the front.

[Adam Ray]

There's a hotel like welcome back to the Fairfield where we've got, you know, massages.

[Adam Carolla]

And the worst was Marriott. The Marriott in Detroit. Does the state. Some of our other fine locations, Diamond House, Hear the Bell Australia. And you're like, I'm in Detroit. I'm looking out the fucking window of my room. It's snowing at a closed window. There's a fat guy smoking outside by vending machine. And the, and the, the billboard that I can see that's off the freeway, I'm on the third floor is of a missing kid. And I'm looking at that while they're doing the helicopter view of Diamond Head, you know, And I'm like fucking wish I was at one of those places. And no, I won't stay at one of those places when I'm. When I'm there fucking you should never do that. You should never go. Here's. I mean, it's like a restaurant going. We don't have this, but here's what you could be eating. Surf and turf. We have grilled cheese. Sorry, you're not gonna get that. Yeah. All right.

[Dawson]

So six people died in Illinois. One person has died in Michigan. 200 people were injured throughout Illinois. About 400 homes have been damaged in Washington county alone. And in Washington or Washington, Illinois. Sorry. In Washington, Illinois, the storm is rated as an EF4 with winds of up to 190 miles an hour. And about 600,000 customers are without power in the hardest hit states.

[Adam Ray]

They shut the airport down in Detroit for a little bit and in Bloomington. You know what's crazy? The panic in airports when they shut down is really, like, incredible because people are now, like, trying to figure out how to get from where they're supposed to get to. And, like, there's arguments happening over, like, the ones Starbucks that, like, is closed because they're like, what Thought they had the lot. You just all sorts of. And people are so thirsty for information that, like, I heard somebody go tell a group of people that had no idea what was happening. They were like, so, what's going on? And he was like, well, apparently when lightning strikes, they have to wait 20 minutes before they even, like, reassess the situation. This guy had no idea what the fuck that meant. But he was not all of a sudden, like, this local hero.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a shaman from the mountain.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, it's amazing. They were so just like, oh, what else? Lightning. God, you know? And so then I heard that and found myself in a similar situation. Like, maybe a half hour later. All these sweet old women sitting around just being like, well, I don't know if we're ever gonna make it, and blah, blah, blah. And like, Ruth, the party's at 4. We're supposed to get. We're there at 9.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I'm not.

[Adam Ray]

We're not even gonna make the party. I can't help it, man. It's my best accent.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, though, the thing about the airport is, first off, we have all. When we go to an airport, we all become cats. And this is our living room. Like, there's no place we can't stretch out.

[Adam Ray]

People are outside of the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

People are, like, free to step off. Just feet. Yeah. Shit kicked off, spread out on the tile.

[Adam Ray]

When did this become a couch?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll make a pillow out of my windbreaker and lay right in front of the urinals. Like, it's the weirdest thing ever. Like, I don't know where else we would feel this level of comfort in front of strangers. Just.

[Adam Ray]

You wouldn't lay on your shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you imagine being at a Sears and going, I'm just going to fucking honey, you shop. I'm going to go, I'm going to bivouac in the husky section. I'm just going to make a makeshift bed out of my fucking jacket. I'll take my shirt off and kick my shoes off and I'll just put my feet up on some shit. I'll just spread out. So first off, everybody at the airport that is just their. There is their personal futon. Like the guys. It used to be a little bit of, well, I'll sit up on this chair and maybe I'll put my feet up on the chair. Row chairs in front of me. I'll kick it down to the socks, but no bare feet. But I'll stay up off the ground. Now people just laid out just to sprawl out all over the fucking floors.

[Adam Ray]

And not even trying to contain the body. Like the limbs are stretched out as if they're free falling.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? They're trying to slow themselves down from terminal velocity. Terminal velocity, yes. It used to be like an element of I'm gonna kind of hide over here so people don't. Now it's just people just fucking spread out, just bivouacked everywhere. There's a million different food outlets. There's a million different, you know, oh, you can get a massage and you can get your boots polished and all that kind of shit. And I just feel like it's just become a flophouse for rich people essentially. Like, you don't see whitey flopping out.

[Adam Ray]

No. Like, that's why they have the hotels and like the clubs inside the airport in some of these airports. Right? Like, right. So you don't have to fucking stretch out like a peasant like you on a cheeseburger wrapper. You can like sit in a massage chair.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't know that there's any other public space where you would be comfortable watching people sleep. Watching people, watching you sleep. Especially since I get a boner half the time I fall asleep. But guys are getting almost undressed.

[Dawson]

Does that happen in the daytime too? Doesn't know time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you go on your belly, there's no, you know, that's going to.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is that guy propped up?

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird though. Like every time I go to the airport now, someone's just sleeping. If I were bum, I just moved to the airport. You don't have to go anywhere. No one ever questions you. Why are you sleeping?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah, because people also aren't, like, incredibly presentable there. Like, you could just make sure you don't always smell like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then, well, you got bathrooms. And some of those bathrooms now they have, like, the little shower zones and workouts and stuff like that.

[Adam Ray]

Moving too quick to get to this where they got to go next. They don't have the. The time to stop and go, hey, man, do you have a job? Or like, no.

[Adam Carolla]

No one ever sees a guy sleeping going, are you waiting for a flight? Or you're just here sleeping. You just.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Same guy could be there the next time you're there. You'd be fine. Like, this guy's just. Horrible luck with his flights.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, Tom Hanks did it in terminal.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I was in the men's room and saw a guy just sprawled out on one of those koala baby changing table things. Full size guy. Was he changing himself, just draped over the top, sleeping.

[Adam Ray]

When I got back, I'm going to.

[Adam Carolla]

The airport, get some sleep.

[Adam Ray]

When I got back into lax, the bathroom, by the way, at the airport is like, it's. It can be also, like, a danger zone. I go into the bathroom. All these stalls were. The. All the urinals were taken up, right? So the stalls are open. I just had to pee, right? So I feel like that's. Hey, man, Should. This shouldn't be a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Should.

[Adam Ray]

We should judge me? I go in there, start peeing. All of a sudden, I feel a presence behind me. The dude, I just hear, what the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

I go.

[Adam Ray]

I turn around like, dude, no joke, like two feet from me. And he goes, what the fuck, man?

[Adam Carolla]

He goes.

[Adam Ray]

Goes, fucking just gonna sit in there. Fucking piss. People got a shit, man. You're fucking pissing in the stall, man. I go, dude, all the urinals are taking. And why are we fighting? You're in my stall, man.

[Dawson]

I go, we need some bathrooms, doors on the stalls.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, but he'd opened it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

I didn't lock it because I'm thinking, okay, like, people do the check. They also do the feet. There's many ways to check. You can check the feet. You can kind of peer around. You can see that all the smell test, see all the urinals are full and assume that probably the stalls are full too. And that's why people have started a lot, you idiot. So he goes. And he stands there and goes, you fucking don't even have to shit man, you're just gonna piss all over the seat. I go, first of all, dick, I lifted the seat. Even if I did piss on it, I'd wipe it off, man. Cuz I'm a good person. And he goes, all right, man, fucking, I got a shit now I gotta go fucking wait the shit. I go, what are you, some bathroom bully? Like, what are you doing in here? And he was like, man, just fucking people like you doing this all the time. Walks out, little heat, like a little starter fila jacket on, man, like a mini dolphins helmet or hat and like a goatee. And they walk out and he walks out alongside. I go, hey, thanks for a little pep talk in there, man. He goes, fucking fuck that, man. Fuck people that are shit and you're pissing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

So, hey, I never run into anything like that in my entire life.

[Allison Rosen]

It was Richie incognito.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

It was Danny Glover.

[Adam Carolla]

We always say, you know, there's a part of me that is dying to be these guys. And then there's part of me would kill myself. But then this part of me is wildly jealous. But I could never.

[Adam Ray]

No, all I could do was laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

I could never imagine.

[Dawson]

But I mean, would you ever sneak up behind a guy while he's taking a piss and begin this whole tirade?

[Adam Carolla]

That's awful.

[Adam Ray]

I almost thought like I was maybe just gonna get like, you know, some guys will come up and push dudes when they're in just like a little bit because it just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my friends do it. Yeah, you pee on yourself.

[Pat O'Brien]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Ray]

I thought maybe that was gonna happen from us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's hilarious. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

It will never stop being funny now.

[Adam Carolla]

The. There's a lot of, I've always said a lot of offloading going on at the airport because. And it's a combination of a time change, bad food on the airplane, nervous stomach.

[Adam Ray]

He knows where he came from.

[Adam Carolla]

But also, I do feel like people treat the shitter at the airport like they treat the rental car, which is not on. This ain't my car. It's not my home turf. Like, I know that people go into LAX and just shit it up in that place, but it's not their home turf. They don't live there. It's not. The people live in la. There's an element of.

[Adam Ray]

I'm never, I'm never gonna see this toilet again.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It's like, it's, it's, it's why people go. It's why people go to like Bangkok and go whoring. You know what I mean? It's like, no one I went to high school with. Like, I'm not gonna run into someone familiar here. There's an element of how you treat. I've always felt this way about Ella, Louisiana is particularly trashy. Like, there's just a lot of trash in LA for a big metropolitan, rich city. It's weird and trashy. And I always felt like the reason it's weird and trashy is because everyone here is from Chicago, New York, Houston. Like everyone's from somewhere came here and they treat this like the chick they're banging in between the one they're gonna marry and their last serious girlfriend from high school. Like, just. I'm going to experiment.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Angela Lansbury's life story.

[Adam Ray]

Pretty much.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. That's all she was for.

[Adam Ray]

So many dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

They're going to fuck up that bathroom and, and LA's that way. But I've. I've walked into the bathrooms at airports and went like, what is going on in here, dude? This is horrible.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, do you ever just break into the family fun center or the family fun bathroom? The one that's like, designed for families and diaper changes?

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, what the hell are we talking about? Oh, yeah, horrible tornadoes. Enzyte, baby. Mmm. You want a month free? You want a month's free erections? I can give them to you. Enzyte. Mm. My good friends at Enzyte, millions of men are dealing with erectile quality and they're. They're stepping it up. It's not the. It's not the quantity. How long they last? As long as you need them. No shit. Because at a certain point, you know, like I said, when you're napping at the airport, that's when it's time to hit the refractory period.

[Adam Ray]

But you got to scare the guy who's scolding you behind in the stall. You gotta turn around.

[Adam Carolla]

Supports the strongest, most powerful erections possible. Achieve peak sexual enhancement. Just one capsule a day for strong peak male enhancement. Dawson.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Call now to score a special free 30 day trial of enzyme and receive a free sample of their popular prostate supplement. All you pay the shipping. That's a free 30 day trial of insight. And a sample of their popular prostate supplement. Free.

[Adam Carolla]

Hurry.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Call 1800-364968-01800-364-96802 or go to smilingpop.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose street or cure any disease. Free trial requires fee life enrollment with future auto shipments.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, I'd like to be a crazy thing to take. Do a time machine. Have a bunch of people that traveled like the 50s and the 60s, you know, when guys would wear like ascots and pocket squares and stuff.

[Adam Ray]

People were shitting it up in that in those days.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and just take them for a little walk around the airport. Body strewn all over the place. People napping, barefoot feet up on everything.

[Adam Ray]

They would literally see the world that was like the world.

[Adam Carolla]

The apocalypse Kennel full of dogs. Everyone with their dogs and their bare feet everywhere, eating food everywhere. The other thing too is they don't eat the food at the restaurant. They take it out. They take their bare feet, they kick it up. They got their dog and they're just flopped out and they're plugged in everywhere. Everyone, everyone's got the jack and the phone and the whatever is all plugged in. And they, they like, it's a little homeless.

[Adam Ray]

It's, it's nobody gives a fuck. The airport slogan should be the airport we don't give a fuck. Nobody cares. It's just like laid out food here. I'll eat how I want. Like, nobody cares about like who's what. That's why you see like video or pictures of people taking of just strangers, like shoving like whole sandwich. Like nobody had like has any decency to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. No, but again, I do think that activity takes place on the other side. It's not their airport even. Their airport is sort of international waters for horrible behavior. But I don't know, it's sort of like their own little. The white man's little Indian casino or something. We just go over there and get away with fucking murder. It's like some sort of tribal ground or something where we can kick our shoes off. Like again, you could imagine going to a Sears or a mall or anywhere, getting barefoot and sleeping on the floor just. It sounds insane, right?

[Dawson]

Well, even having a beer at 8am.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, forgot about that part.

[Dawson]

Present company excluded.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. First off, yeah, like, you going, it's 8:00am and you're like, I'm gonna grab a couple cold ones at the sports bar and then I'm going by the fudge factory. It's Tuesday, dude. Like, what are you doing? It's Tuesday. Hold on. I can't get to the fudge factory. I could put my shoes back on. I'm gonna go shit up the bathroom pretty good. Give some guy the stink eye in there pissing in one of the stalls. And, yeah, Dawson, by the way, the most honest man on the planet. Because, Dawson, remember we used to work together over at the old radio station? Yeah. Yeah.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

It's an exciting time.

[Adam Carolla]

I walked in. I walked into the bathroom. Tell me what you think. Let's be honest. The bathroom, all it had was one large handicap stall, like, you know, big enough to roll it in there. I feel like I've seen a million handicapped stalls but never had the satisfaction of seeing a handicapped guy shitting.

[Adam Ray]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that?

[Adam Ray]

Well, how handicapped?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know, but just once I want to see a wheelchair, like, parked outside the stall and hear a guy in there, like. Like, struggling.

[Adam Ray]

First of all, do they park it or do they, like, trust? Like, do they trust enough to leave it out or they bring it.

[Dawson]

I bet they roll it in.

[Brian Bishop]

I bet they roll it in.

[Adam Ray]

That's why the stall is so big.

[Dawson]

I exited a handicapped stall to have a person in a wheelchair waiting outside. And I felt truly awful.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a lot of bad luck. Here's how honest Dawson is. I walked in during the radio show to the bathroom, and it's nothing but a large handicap stall and a urinal. And that's all that. The bathroom. Maybe two urinals. I can't remember. Was it two urinals or one? I think there were two.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

They were side by side.

[Adam Carolla]

Two urinals.

[Adam Ray]

Sounds like a fear.

[Adam Carolla]

Fear.

[Allison Rosen]

There were for sure two stalls.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Two stalls or two urinals.

[Allison Rosen]

One handicap, one regular.

[Adam Carolla]

One handicap, one regular. I don't remember that, Dawson. You remember that. I just remember the one. The two urinals and the one stall.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

I know that I was peeing.

[Adam Carolla]

Stall right next to the stall. One urinal, one urinal. Sorry. Two urinals, one handicap stall. And I walked in and I looked down and I noticed the flip flops. And I said, dawson? He said, yep. I said, are you taking a piss? He said, yep. I said, is the seat down? And he said, yep. And I said, you walked past the two urinals to go into the stall to take a piss with the toilet seat down? And he said, yep. Now, what do you think of that?

[Dawson]

What do I think of that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what do you think of that?

[Dawson]

I applaud the honesty.

[Adam Carolla]

Very honest. Because it could have easily said, the seat. I put the seat up.

[Dawson]

I feel like we have to find out what his reasoning was. I'm sure you did.

[Adam Carolla]

I will.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

As has been explained on this very program numerous times over the past 15.

[Adam Ray]

Years, you're constantly Defending your pisses.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

She had one of those splitters down the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

And I am also a good person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Like our friend Adam over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

If I pee on the seat, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Always cleaned it up.

[Adam Ray]

Always.

[Pat O'Brien]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

Why walk past the two urinals?

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Oh, because. No, they weren't empty urinals. I don't recall that.

[Adam Carolla]

There were guys in them.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Yeah, they were in them.

[Adam Carolla]

They're splashed all up in there. No, the bathroom was empty when I walked into that place.

[Pat O'Brien]

Right.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Well, I'm a long pier.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Why not?

[Adam Ray]

Is that the name of your first book?

[Adam Carolla]

You saying that the toilet seat has had the split in it? It's not. That's not a strong defense of that action.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Well, that's where the drip goes.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I would argue, though, the people who design that do almost beckon guys to pee. I would argue without raising it.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

Awesome aim with my penis.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying walking past the two urinals into the handicapper to take a piss without raising the toilet.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

I think one day we should really get into this and break down everything that really bothers.

[Pat O'Brien]

Bothers you about this.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

It would be exciting for me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. It's. Nothing bothers me. It's just noted.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a window.

[Adam Ray]

It is, like, a little bit of a challenge, though, because when you do see the seat down, like, you know, the right move is to lift it up. But part of you, like you just mentioned, with your. Your pee and your dick control, you want to think that, like, you can stay in between the. It's like it's a little game. You want to be like, I don't have.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

I think what's more important here is that Adam thinks I'm an incredibly honest human being, which is the truth. My middle name is Ernest again.

[Adam Carolla]

I called out to him, and he answered. And he very honestly. I wouldn't have gone in and checked or probably.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

There was a slight hesitation.

[Adam Carolla]

I put the seat down.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

I said, yeah, because I knew what was coming.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it. I could feel it.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

And I just saw the next 10 years of my life flash by.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right.

[Dawson]

But it's been 15.

[Adam Ray]

I wonder how many out there, though. Like, what happened to me in that stall, like, has happened around the country, like, if other bathroom bullies, if there are other. Other people taking it into their control to, like, shame people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Or just, like, feel like they need to speak up in a bathroom about, like, the way people are conducting these things.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel like I need to announce to any strangers I need to shit. I don't. Wherever I am. That's the first point. I don't need to go. I like to pretend like I've never. Like, if I see a group of strangers and I go, when's the last time you took a shit? I'd go, about four years ago. And they go, when do you think you'll shit again? I don't know. When was the Olympics?

[Adam Ray]

When was Dante Bichette playing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, seriously, Like, I don't like that. Just a proclamation that I'm shitting in front of strangers. And I don't even. I'll check the bathroom, make sure the place is cleared out. Do the whatever move, you know, do the courtesy flush. Like, anything to get away from that. So I certainly wouldn't invite that dialogue with somebody.

[Adam Ray]

I guess we should get the female perspective. Would a woman ever accost?

[Dawson]

Never ever. No. Never ever. That's what I'm thinking. I've never ever heard of that kind of fight.

[Adam Ray]

You only have one option for your process.

[Adam Carolla]

But you guys are lucky in that there's always privacy and there's always the shadow of doubt because you're sitting. Meaning if we're in there sitting and the doors close, we're shitting.

[Dawson]

That's what I'm realizing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really.

[Adam Ray]

I pee, you sitting down sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

It happens on occasion.

[Dawson]

It seems really on or off. For you guys, though, it's very binary here. What I'm realizing is you probably never have the thing where you sit down to pee and then you realize more has to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. We are like.

[Dawson]

You are very task oriented when you go in there.

[Adam Ray]

It's the way we shop. We're like, I need jeans. I'm getting jeans.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm leaving.

[Dawson]

Sometimes I just go in the bathroom to browse.

[Adam Carolla]

We are the exact opposite. Sit. There are times when you sit down thinking you're going to take a crap, and then you go, I just sat down, took a piss. It's kind of nice. Wow. And then there's that moment.

[Adam Ray]

Those are those golden moments.

[Adam Carolla]

Should I wipe? Literally, you go, should I wipe my ass as long as I'm here? Like, I did sit down.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like part of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If you tell your dog to sit and you don't have him to roll over, you got to give him a treat anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. You know what? Should I wipe my sitting anything? Discretion is the better part of valor. At this point. I'm just gonna wipe my ass. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Muscle memory at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Encore, baby. Encore Insurance Services. That's right. You want the insurance, you don't need to walk out the skid marks. Encore 866-347-5748 or you can visit their website online. You can go to smartterm.com that's smartterm.com thinking about getting life insurance. Already have some coverage. Went a little more. True story. Our buddy kit works in sales over here. 37 non smoker. Got himself a 20 year $500,000 policy. Less than 30 bucks a month. Why don't you give Encore a call, see what they can do for you. Call now. 866-347-5748. You owe it to the family, you owe it to yourself. Licensing and disclaimer information can be found at their [e-mail] all right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Dawson]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenzip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Com.

[Dawson (advertisement voice)]

I'm along Pier. That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah yes, Adam Ray about last night with a good friend Brad Williams. Available on itunes. Also out on dvd, Blu ray the Heat and you can go to his website adamraytv.com adamraytv.com and Twitter him at adamray Comedy A couple shows coming up in Tacoma November 2021st through 23rd. Flappers comedy out here in Burbank November 29th. Always good to see you, Adam.

[Adam Ray]

Thanks, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

And David wild as well as well wild about music. So until next time, Adam Carolla for Adam Ray. David Wilde, Allison Rosen Beau Brian Saiyan. Mahalo. What are you gay? All right, those adam Cole show 1210. That does it for today's Corolla classics.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for.

[Adam Carolla]

An all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.