Patrick Warburton + Adam Scott and Jason Schwartzman (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Patrick Warburton, Adam Scott, and Jason Schwartzman (Carolla Classics) – Summary

Release Date: March 1, 2025

Welcome to Carolla Classics, a special edition of The Adam Carolla Show featuring a compilation of memorable moments from Adam Carolla's 16-year podcast journey. This episode spotlights former guests Patrick Warburton, Adam Scott, and Jason Schwartzman, weaving together insightful discussions, humorous anecdotes, and candid conversations.

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1. Introduction and Overview

[00:00 - 00:22]
Adam Carolla opens the episode with Brian Bishop, setting the stage for a nostalgic dive into past highlights. They mention accompanying resources like the Carolla Classics companion podcast and other shows available through Carolla’s platforms.

2. Theresa Strasser and Book Blurbs

[00:52 - 10:25]
Theresa Strasser discusses her experience with obtaining blurbs for her upcoming book. Highlighting the challenges of securing endorsements from notable figures like Dr. Drew Pinsky, Theresa shares a humorous exchange where she reads Dr. Drew’s blurb, notable for his distinctive syntax and the unintended inclusion of the word “nay.” Adam teases the authenticity and delivery of blurbs, emphasizing the nuanced relationships between authors and their endorsers.

Notable Quote:
Theresa Strasser: "Theresa Strasser trudges, nay, romps with us down the road from the anxiety of no baby to guilt of not deserving a precious child."

3. Personal Anecdotes on Parenting and Family

[10:16 - 24:53]
Adam Carolla delves into personal stories about raising his children, illustrating the dynamics between parents and their kids. He humorously recounts interactions with his son Sonny, emphasizing the challenges of parenting twin boys and managing household responsibilities. Theresa adds light-hearted comments about her own parenting experiences, creating a relatable and amusing narrative about family life.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla: "If you have a guy who's putting down those kinds of calories at the training table and doing 2A days and then all of a sudden he's just out and like I said, his hips bad or his back's bad, he can't move, like, of course that guy's going to balloon up, especially when he's used to walking around at 325."

4. Guest Appearance: Patrick Warburton

[30:28 - 34:49]
Patrick Warburton joins the show to discuss his new film, Rock Slide, a low-budget project shot over two weeks. Patrick narrates a playful recount of a fictional race between himself and Adam Carolla at the Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix, highlighting their camaraderie and humorous rivalry.

Notable Quote:
Patrick Warburton: "It was really great because I speared the corner at the end, which was kind of a dickish move."

5. Comedy, Movies, and Collaborations

[34:50 - 53:17]
The conversation shifts to the making of The Overnight, a movie largely filmed in Adam Carolla’s house. Adam praises the film’s production quality and the collaborative efforts of the cast, including Eliza Schlesinger. They discuss the challenges and triumphs of shooting a low-budget film, emphasizing the importance of location and creative teamwork.

Notable Quote:
Eliza Schlesinger: "I had this moment today...everything was falling apart, and we heard these guys razzing their buddies."

6. Health Segment with Dr. Bruce

[85:15 - 88:33]
Dr. Bruce joins to discuss various health concerns, including Adam’s torn meniscus and the implications of drug-resistant gonorrhea. The segment provides listeners with medical insights wrapped in the show's signature humor.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Bruce: "The most common malady, the cause of that kind of thing, is bedbugs, which is really epidemic."

7. News Highlights and Viral Stories

[34:47 - 50:52]
Theresa Strasser presents quirky news stories, including Miss Philippines’ interview mishaps and a Florida man arrested for arguing with his bicycle. These segments offer a humorous take on bizarre news events, keeping listeners entertained with light-hearted tales.

Notable Quote:
Theresa Strasser: "There was some interesting stories about rhinoplasty and mental illness individuals. The speculation was 10% of individuals that seek to have their nose job done have body dysmorphic disorder."

8. Sponsorships and Advertisements

Throughout the episode, Adam seamlessly integrates sponsorship messages, promoting products like Stitcher, GoToMeeting, MCT oil, and LegalZoom. These segments are delivered with Carolla’s characteristic humor, ensuring they blend naturally into the conversation without disrupting the flow.

Example Quote:
Adam Carolla: "Go to my PC free. That's right, 45 days free. Download the app from the App store, then visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try free button and enter the promo code Adam."

9. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

[53:00 - End]
As the episode nears its end, the hosts recap upcoming projects, including movie releases and live shows. They invite listeners to engage with their latest work and participate in future events, maintaining a connection with the audience through ongoing promotional content.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla: "We will have Patrick Warburton and Eliza Schlesinger on the next show, so make sure to tune in."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show: Carolla Classics offers a rich tapestry of humor, personal stories, and insightful discussions with notable guests Patrick Warburton, Adam Scott, and Jason Schwartzman. From navigating the challenges of parenting to the intricacies of low-budget filmmaking, Adam Carolla delivers an engaging and entertaining experience for both long-time listeners and newcomers alike.

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Note: Timestamps are approximate and based on the provided transcript segments.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a podcast, we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the.

[Adam Carolla]

Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show.

[Brian Bishop]

We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics but the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla [e-mail]. you can also find the ad free archives from the Adam Carolla Show Adam and Dr. Drew show, which has been recently relaunched. Make sure to check that out. And Adam's brand new podcast Beat it out, currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com let's get to the clips. Coming up, first day we have Adam Carolla Show 390 featuring Patrick Werber, Teresa Schross Rosser and Brian Bishop from 2010.

[Adam Carolla]

And now, the least interested man in the world, Adam Carolla. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Good line. Mike Lynch. All right, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on, man date. Get it on. Good to see you, Bald Brian. Everybody got that? Good to see you, Theresa Strasser.

[Theresa Strasser]

Good to see you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple quick ditties and then we'll get into the news and the show with one of our friends, Patrick Warburton. And Teresa's got her blurb from Dr. Drew, which she will officially read that we sort of teased a couple days ago. I will be today in Chicago at the Craftsman store. They're doing some big Craftsman store thing and I'll be doing some stand up there and like a presentation. So if you're out in Chi town, you're in Chicago. I think it's free. Come on out and check it out. I think I'll be there about 6:00 in the evening. We'll all be at the famous Melrose Improv doing this show, the live podcast. This Saturday, 8:00 show, 10:00 show. We got some special guests. We'll be upstage. You'll get to see how the sausage is made. Or as we like to say, the fudge is packed. Right? There's two ways I like no more living hand to mouth. That's living ass to mouth. And I don't want to see how the sausage is made anymore. I want to see how the fudge is packed. Do we like to say that? I wasn't aware as we, as Theresa is fond of saying, check with us before we're living ass to mouth. And you come back Get a little peek behind the curtain and see how the fudgies pack.

[Theresa Strasser]

Are you clear on that?

[Brian Bishop]

I'll not be behind that curtain.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And also, of course, one of our fine sponsors, Stitcher. Go to Stitcher and download the show. And I always say download, but stream it. It's free. Stitcher.com iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Palm will be doing some extra content for Stitcher, just for our Stitcher folks. And t, I think we'll try a little news tease, and then we'll finish the end of the story. And you can exclusively get [e-mail] stitcher.com also gotomeeting. Yeah, these guys are close cousins to our other good friends. Go to my PC and go to Mac. Let's go to meeting again. Oh. Oy. The planes, the travels. To take off the belts and to take off the shoes and the hassle and the strip search, forget about it. Go to meeting. You don't have to leave your office. Hell, you don't even need to be at your office. It brings everyone together. Their service is brought to you by Citrix. And you can try. Go to. I always want to say my. Because go to my PC and go to my Mac. GoToMeeting. You can try it out for free. Same deal we had before, just for my listeners. You can try out GoToMeeting free for 45 days. They got a little special offer. Just visit GoToMeeting.com that's GoToMeeting.com. click on the try it free button and type in the promo code Adam. And be sure not to let them or to let them know. I should say that we sent you because then we get credit for it and 45 days free. And you can do as many meetings as you like. It's not like. Well, you can do five meetings a month, but that's all you can do. And in this time, can I go.

[Theresa Strasser]

To my 12 step meetings?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Seriously? Because it's hard for me to get out now. You know, my schedule's busy, but I still need the recording.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to my 12 step meetings. I like that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Ryan, you could go to my chemo. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God. I think the time that was.

[Theresa Strasser]

You would have to leave the house. Could you get your. What is it called?

[Brian Bishop]

My fasten.

[Theresa Strasser]

Fasten.

[Brian Bishop]

My Ativan, too.

[Theresa Strasser]

Ativan's Valium. Get your infusion at home. Dot com.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just saying the hassle and the money and the parking and everything else. Anyway, GoToMeeting.com they're one of our sponsors. Show them some love, would you, people Speaking of love, T Bone, you said that Dr. Drew wrote you a blurb for your book. Yes. I didn't know what a blurb was 10 days ago. And I've been pounded. I've had the shit kicked out of me by blurbs over the last 10 days.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's funny because I didn't really think you'd need blurbs because you're famous and your fans are very intensely in love with you. I looked at the back of Sarah Silverman's book and her blurbs. She did something really cute. Her blurbs are all from kids and they say, like, it's a book. Billy, age two. It's cute, right? She didn't really need blurbs, but it doesn't hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, we had Bill Simmons in here yesterday, said he didn't have any blurbs and he sold a couple hundred. What?

[Theresa Strasser]

He's got Malcolm Gladwell's blurb right on the COVID of his book.

[Adam Carolla]

He said he didn't have a blurb. I don't know.

[Theresa Strasser]

Look that up, peeps.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Theresa Strasser]

I could have sworn I saw Malcolm Gladwell blurbing him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe there's some sort of retroactive blurb where they add a sticker or the second printing or something like that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Maybe when it went to paperback or something. And he also maybe has a couple different books, so maybe the most recent wasn't blurbed. Did you go to Kenny Burns?

[Adam Carolla]

I went to Kenny Burns. I went to Sethi McFarlane.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, you did?

[Adam Carolla]

And Jim Kimmel. It's always to call him a different name than everyone else. Known somebody to Jamie Kimmel.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to Billy Simmons, and I went to. Let's see, who am I? Oh, Lecky Baldwin.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, you went to Lecky.

[Adam Carolla]

Lecky Baldwin. Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Coffees for closers.

[Theresa Strasser]

Did they all agree to read the book?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Ken Burns. Kenny Burns, and Lecky Baldwin. Lecky Baldwin. Their people got back to me within a half an hour. They were doing whatever they're doing. Civil War reenactment. I guess Kenny Burns is out there doing that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, not lucky. Seems like his cup of tea.

[Brian Bishop]

Bolton's voicing it over.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so actually, the two guys, I probably. I probably know Seth, Jimmy for sure and Billy Simmons better than. I know Kenny and Lecky Baldwin. But the two I knew the least got back to me the fastest. But maybe it's that kind of situation where it's just. You're comfortable. They know Jimmy's. I think he's On a raft somewhere or something. But anyway, they'll figure it out. The problem is, is I have my editor up my ass, like, hey, man, what's up with those. What's up with those blurbs? And, like, what am I supposed to do? Like, send Baldwin a shitty email? Like, hey, dear Dill Weed, how about you get off your ass when you're not. I don't know what's more important. You hosting SNL for the 450th time or you give me a little blurb?

[Theresa Strasser]

How about you send him a text? Yeah, where's my blurb? Sad face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Dear least favorite Baldwin.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, by the way, we've got a news story that involves a Baldwin coming up, but this blur. Okay, so I was nervous to ask Dr. Drew because it involves two things that terrify me. One, asking people for favors. And two, in a way, you're sort of asking someone to say something nice about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You're almost forcing them to.

[Theresa Strasser]

Forcing them to. The combination of those things is very, very uncomfortable. And I only know Dr. Drew tangentially through you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, forcing people to lie is never a comfortable situation, Theresa.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, Dr. Drew, I don't think so. I. So my agent called his agent, and the assistant said, well, send it. Dr. Drew obviously cannot. You know, just, you know, he needs to read the book before he can agree to blurb it. And I thought, that's fair, because if it sucks and you're Dr. Drew, why do you want your name anywhere near it? So we sent him the manuscript, and my agent was so happy with the blurb that he called and was like, great news. And I thought, oh, somebody optioned the book? No, but he loved the blurb, and it's really. He obviously read the book, and it was.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Theresa Strasser]

So I was really touched by it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you say he obviously read it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Because I understood my book in a new way after having read his blurb.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, let's hear what it says.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now, I'm gonna warn you. And he clearly wrote it. And you'll know, because it is his syntax.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Theresa Strasser]

And there's no mistaking it. I'm gonna warn you, because I don't want you to laugh, that it includes the word nay.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Theresa Strasser]

So try to take it seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, just call it the N word, would you, please?

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay, Ready?

[Adam Carolla]

At least when you get to the word nay, just say the N word. Just say it that way I will.

[Theresa Strasser]

Not sound like it's gonna ruin the flow.

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to hear what that sounds.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's ruin the flow.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, we'll do one this way and then we're gonna just go one. We're gonna say the N word. We'll see if it change.

[Theresa Strasser]

Exploiting her baby, perhaps, but most certainly rewarding her readers. Theresa Strasser trudges, nay, romps with us down the road from the anxiety of no baby to guilt of not deserving a precious child. All the while, she reminds us that the echoes of our families of origin, although carried along with us like so much muck in a riverbed, need not choke our ability to flourish and find joy as parents. Wow, dude, wasn't that beautiful?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, he's.

[Theresa Strasser]

Do you want to hear the N word version?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's see what it sounds like.

[Theresa Strasser]

Exploiting her baby, perhaps, but most certainly rewarding her readers. Theresa Strasser trudges N word, romps with us down the road.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I like that.

[Theresa Strasser]

But I mean, this. This verbiage about the echoes of our family of origin carried along with us like so much muck in a riverbed, is beautifully written.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he hates his parents, but need.

[Theresa Strasser]

Not choke our ability to flourish and find joyous parents. And that's really what my book is about. I mean, ostensibly it's about being pregnant and all that shit and not being able to take Vicodin and getting morning sickness and worrying about stretch marks. But it's really. The meta is like, will I be able to be a mother when I didn't exactly have one, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, Drew, first off, Drew, he loves this stuff. Like, it's so funny. I mean, it's really easy. If you tell Jay Leno, hey, how about you come out to Caesar's Tahoe and do stand up, he says, give me 200 grand. If you say to him, how about you come out to the Queen Mary and go to the Japanese car, The Japanese car show once a year. He'll just come out for free and do whatever for free. So it's like shit people are interested in versus the stuff where you go, fuck it, you better pay me. Dr. Drew loves anything to do with a book or a word or page.

[Theresa Strasser]

And there is a 12 step related. There's a recovery related chapter, right? And it's a million little Reese's Pieces, which has to do with the eating disorder recovery. I like that because it is a weird thing to get pregnant and gain 60 pounds when you are in a recovery program. I gain weight.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, there's a couple. Couple thoughts. I had a nice, nice moment with my son today where I said to him, he was playing doctor with my daughter, you know. Got the paddles out, by the way. They need the fucking crash torch and everything. Yeah, they literally have the paddles out and they're like, you put this on your heart.

[Theresa Strasser]

Can I have your hand me down toys?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you dip them in Purell and go to town. So said it was plain document. I said. I said, hey, Sonny, I said, when you're older, would you like to be a doctor when you're grown up? And he said, no. And I said, well, what do you want to do when you're a big boy? And he said, I want to help daddy in the garage. I thought, wow. Yeah, wow. So here's what it's going to be. Hey, 19 year old flunky, you couldn't cut it at junior college. How about you crack daddy another cold one.

[Theresa Strasser]

You know those words.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, I've seen you eyeballing trophy mom. Back off. Back the fuck off. I know you're horny. How about you jack it off upstairs, come back down with a beer?

[Brian Bishop]

I know she's a year younger than.

[Adam Carolla]

You for no reason. That'll mean you get to fuck her.

[Theresa Strasser]

You'll still be married. Okay, I think you'll still be married.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a dumb woman. Point is this.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's very sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, I want to help daddy in the garage. Like that was a gig.

[Theresa Strasser]

It is for Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

Drew. Drew. You know the thing that's crazy. And this is why we shouldn't even try with our kids. Drew's parents drove him nuts too.

[Theresa Strasser]

I had no idea. Did they really?

[Adam Carolla]

His dad passed semi recently and lived to a ripe old age. His mom is still around and you know, his dad was a doctor. His dad sent him through medical school. I mean, sent him through college and sent him through medical school. And essentially it was, it was a foregone conclusion that Dr. Drew was going to be a doctor. Well, I guess if you're in the seventh grade, your name was Dr. Drew. I guess. Well, maybe it's probably just Drew back then.

[Theresa Strasser]

Back then.

[Adam Carolla]

And actually that's his middle name. That's not even his really his first name.

[Theresa Strasser]

What's his first name?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just something simple like John or something.

[Brian Bishop]

David.

[Adam Carolla]

David.

[Patrick Warburton]

Andrew.

[Adam Carolla]

David. Well, there you go.

[Theresa Strasser]

One thing, you work with him for 11 years, you do that like all of a sudden this guy goes by his middle name for no reason. Yeah, I never understand that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I would. Except for here's what I would sound like. So you'd have to go to parties and go, I Want you to meet my friend.

[Theresa Strasser]

And now I'm introducing.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey everybody, thank you for listening to the Corolla show. Yeah, it wouldn't work. Don't have a fucking middle name. Yeah, super lazy ass fucking parents. But. And I swear to God, I know it sounds crazy that I'm pissed about that, but it's one of those things that's representative of my family and their laissez faire approach to their kids. The no middle name just means not that into it.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's a combo. It's. First of all, didn't take the time because I know this was a conversation over the middle name that took up many, many months and hours for my kid. It's a big, it was a huge deal. And the second part is that your parents don't even think it's weird. Like when you ask them, why don't you give me a middle name?

[Adam Carolla]

They just go, I don't know.

[Theresa Strasser]

In retrospect, it's not even weird. It's not like, you know what, back then we were young and we were overwhelmed. No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

The beauty of my parents is not only are they sort of world class fuck ups that way they never think anything's weird. Like my mom, my mom with a super straight face, as I've famously said a million times, can look at an entire table that includes me of friends and relatives and say, can you give me one good reason why I should sign up for basic cable when her so has two shows on basic gable at the time and she has no problem making that proclamation in front of everyone. That's the weird part. Like I said, my dad will call me the day after Dancing with the Stars aired and go, did you do the bit last night? Did you do your thing? Did they let you wear the fat suit like, dad, that's weird. You don't know that's weird.

[Theresa Strasser]

And there's no explaining it. There's no explaining it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm telling you the whole reason I never leased my dad a fourth luxury automobiles, because I told him, I'm tired of you not pulling up in it. And he was like, what's up? And I was like, dad, I spent a lot of money for you to drive this Jaguar and every time you come to my house you're driving a Honda crv. And he's like, what's up? I don't feel like leasing you a new car. Why not? Because you don't drive the old car. I do, just not to your house. I said, dad, you don't understand how that make me Feel?

[Theresa Strasser]

No, no, I do not. From a turnip. He's never going to get it.

[Adam Carolla]

If I lease someone a car, I wouldn't have a rule that they needed to drive it to my house. And I'm like, it's not a rule. It's just. It doesn't make me want to lease you a new car. And he's like, I don't, I really don't understand what you're saying. Like, actually, can you please just identify with this? Like, could you please, like, just go, like, I understand that it would not be satisfying If I'm spending $800 a month with insurance and a lease or maybe 1000 on a car that's way under mileage, by the way, that needs to be turned in next month, that you're 10,000 miles short on, that you would pull up at my house and not be driving it. No, no, absolutely. Do not. Absolutely.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's satisfying. I think that's why, overall, until recently, I had an easier time with my dad because I think he sort of. He really deeply understood his mistakes. And he never stopped talking about when he gave me back to my mom and seeing me drive away and the tear on my cheek, and he never stopped agonizing over the mistake. And so it was kind of easy to forgive him. Whereas my mom, I'd have conversations with her in my twenties where I'd hysterically be like, you made me take the Greyhound when I was 8. And she would say to me straight faced, like, chris, Carolla. Well, what was I supposed to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Provide transportation or teach me. Drive me. Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Or keep me. Not put me on the Greyhound.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know. That's why it's not worth having those conversations.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, it was, you know what? But it took me like 10 years of doing it to realize that I was just, it was just aggravating everybody and that there was never gonna be a moment like, you know, this, this James Joycean epiphany where she went, oh, yeah, that put you in danger and made you feel unsafe.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair to my dad, he's so consistent with his shit that when I told him, hey, old man, guess who's gonna be leasing himself a Hyundai from now on? He went, all right. And he's never mentioned it since. Never said a word about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think your parents, your dad specifically, are genuinely clueless or they sort of digging their heels into the way that people are? Like, well, this is, this is what my opinion or my, my sort of belief, or they genuinely like everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever, man, everybody Thinks my dad is trying to make a statement or my mom is trying to make a statement. Because the stuff they do is. It's so brash in its own. It's outlandish, looted up sort of way. Like, why should I drive the car you lease me? I don't understand.

[Theresa Strasser]

Not watching your child on Dancing with the Stars is outlandish?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess so. No, there's no statement being made. I kind of wish there was.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't mean statement. I mean, like, just sort of like the way, like, a dog will hold on to. I mean, compare your parents to a dog, but the way a dog hold on to a chew toy when you're pulling on it. Just to sort of go the opposite way now, already bitten and they're dug in.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's. That's. I wish. I really do wish there was something like that.

[Theresa Strasser]

An emotional tug of war would at least be some sort of interaction.

[Adam Carolla]

It's why I wish there was an excuse for no middle name. It's. It's that the problem is. It's just zero. It's like, why I don't watch Dance with the Stars.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's why it's painful. Because the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

And that's what you're feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just sort of a vacuum. Yeah. It's a difference between having a crush on someone in high school and have them go, billy Johnson, get away from me. I never want to see you again. And then crying and running your lockers and then have it. Or versus Billy Johnson coming up to you, and you're going, who are you?

[Theresa Strasser]

That's way more painful.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're Billy Johnson, there's nothing you'd rather have the fucking person go, who? You get the who. That's the worst thing in life.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, it's annihilating.

[Adam Carolla]

It's annihilating. That's right. Versus, like, what? Why are we doing this? Why are we here? Middle name? I don't know. Ask your mouth.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's nice to be here. I missed you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

We missed you as well. So let's stop ragging on our folks. But I do want to say this again.

[Brian Bishop]

Stop saying we when you don't mean both of us.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. Drew, whose parents, you know, fucking paid for college and took care of him and whatever. Still had plenty of beefs.

[Theresa Strasser]

That makes me so happy.

[Adam Carolla]

Cameo beefs with Moms and Pops.

[Theresa Strasser]

I figured those Pinskis must have been like the Cleavers because he's such a Perfect Menchie human being.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. No. He wanted to take a cleaver to his mom.

[Theresa Strasser]

So happy. That means that, like, you know, my son could turn out all right even if I fuck it up.

[Adam Carolla]

In a way, it's even. It's even worse, in a certain sense than our upbringing because they're enmeshed, which is. We don't have that really. Like, you know, we do what we do. I mean, there's a certain amount of involvement, but you don't feel that. Ugh, I gotta call dad.

[Theresa Strasser]

We go to Sunday dinner at my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

If my dad doesn't get invited to do whatever, like, blah, blah, blah. I mean, it's kind of nice. As a matter of fact, my dad comes in and does a podcast where he, like, plays the trumpet and stuff for donny. And about two weeks ago, he's done, like, 15 of them. And he's like, have you ever listened to any of them? And I said, no. And I didn't feel like. I didn't feel like I needed to come up with an excuse or backpedal or anything. I was like, nah, I didn't listen.

[Theresa Strasser]

So anyway, yeah, I've gone on various sabbaticals where I have not spoken to my mom for over a year.

[Adam Carolla]

No pressure.

[Theresa Strasser]

What's the big deal?

[Adam Carolla]

It's easy. What's she gonna do, cut you off?

[Theresa Strasser]

No. And then.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, dad, what are you gonna do, Let me lease you a car?

[Theresa Strasser]

Wait a second. I'm not gonna inherit your debt when you die. That's terrible. I'm gon.

[Adam Carolla]

You ran up a Visa bill, and I won't inherit that. Yeah, I mean, that's the whole thing, like, what you need. It's really. It's like a chick with a huge cold sore on her lip threatening not to blow you. It's like, thanks, you've done me a favor. But unfortunately, Drew felt and always felt a sense of debt because these people took care of you, and they. And they put you through college and they sort of underwrote your lifestyle now because. Well, now you're successful. But it's because many years ago, they cut a few checks to USC and the fuck else. I went. Lord Jeffs. Yeah, I'll come up Amherst.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, went to Amherst.

[Adam Carolla]

Went to Amherst and usc.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now I know what you mean. This woman. I was at a meeting, actually. Somebody. Somebody was interested in optioning the book and.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know. So a couple people. A couple people.

[Adam Carolla]

I could see Drew Barrymore starring.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, my God. It would be amazing and life changing. But I just still can't believe that a book is being published. But we'll see.

[Adam Carolla]

Lou Wilson. I got him to blur my book.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. And I was meeting with this woman. She's kind of important, and. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And she said, not Megan. Dumb. No, she's a bitch.

[Theresa Strasser]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck her.

[Theresa Strasser]

I love her.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, wait. Not Megan Dahme.

[Theresa Strasser]

Megan Dahme is a great writer for the LA Times.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I love her.

[Theresa Strasser]

She's a big fan of the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

There's the other Megan, the chick who did Howard Stern's book.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, oh, oh, no, she wasn't. Was she with HarperCollins?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, she was kind of witchy, wasn't she?

[Adam Carolla]

She's a bitch.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm thinking of Megan Nam. Listening to the podcast. I think she listens to, like, every episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I love her Heart Stop. She drove it on.

[Brian Bishop]

Comes.

[Theresa Strasser]

She has a book out about buying a new house, and it's great. And I don't remember the name, but you should buy it in support books. I know what you're thinking about. She published a lot of celebrity books.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

And then she had a show for a while on maybe, like, MSNBC or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it does suck because she's horrible. We had a meeting to write a book for her. Me and Drew did. Yeah, she did Howard Stern's book. And everyone. She was big wig, total bitch. We did her book. She wanted us talking about doing a book for her. She did one of these moves. We met her at her hotel, right? You know, we have a drink in the bar of her hotel, right? She was 40 minutes late coming down. She had to come down a fucking elevator shaft. We had to drive across fucking town to meet her. And then she proceeded to essentially do one of these things where it was gonna be like a Loveline book. Cause that's what was going on at the time.

[Brian Bishop]

Judith Reagan.

[Adam Carolla]

Judith Reagan. That's it. Total cunt. Fuck her, I said.

[Theresa Strasser]

Judiths are never nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Judiths are always cunts. Jesus Christ. My dad should have given me a middle name. Judith. I wanted to have license to be a douchebag.

[Brian Bishop]

My aunt who just died is Judith.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry about that. Was she a nice lady?

[Brian Bishop]

No, she's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Streak alive.

[Theresa Strasser]

God rest her soul.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, she's fucking 40 minutes late. Came down, did the. Never heard a Loveline. And then did this one since. I've never heard of Loveline. No one else has ever heard of Loveline, so let's not write a Loveline book. We should write a book. She wanted Us to write a book on chivalry because it was her fucked up idea. And she was just like, my shit doesn't stink. And she was riding high on the Howard Stern success.

[Theresa Strasser]

He had a few big hits.

[Adam Carolla]

And she did that thing where she just went, well, I don't. Who's gonna buy a book on this? Which I fucking hate. Because it's like, listen, bitch, just because we're not in your demo and you're not watching MTV at 11:30 at night, fine. But do your homework and understand that other people are interested in this. Like, I. You know, as much as I hate all this kid shit, I wouldn't be like, oh, I'm not going to invest in the Dora the Explorer backpack factory. Who's going to buy that? None of my friends use a backpack with door of the Explorer. I understand there's a market out there for it. She was just, oh, you know, when Howard Stern's book and Howard Stern. Howard this and Howard that, I just. And we were just sort of. Everyone was kind of kissing their ass. And then I just finally went like, fuck it. I'm done with this bitch. Fuck you. And by the way, you're horrible on tv. You suck. Thank you.

[Theresa Strasser]

She does come across as a bit of a shrew.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a bitch. Just. You know what? Just because someone has money and has power and everyone's fucking scared that you can't, uh, oh, we're gonna get in trouble.

[Theresa Strasser]

Fuck you, first of all, keeping you waiting 40 minutes in your hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

We had to meet you at your hotel. You would not go and meet us somewhere. We had to go fucking meet in her hotel. Off.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now, people may ask you this as this woman asked me about the book. I'm sure people ask you this all the time about your various broadcasting shows, podcasts, et cetera. Like, wow, how do you feel so free to talk about your fan? Aren't you worried that they're gonna be upset? Like, how. How do you, you know, how do you deal with telling about such private things? And I just thought, right, if you have a sort of normal family, then you feel like the doctor Drew, like, responsibility to have some sort of respect for the family of origin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Whereas I kind of think it's anyone's fair game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

And they have never called me on it and been upset about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my dad's not gonna watch primetime network television.

[Theresa Strasser]

He's certainly not gonna seek out. I mean, he's not gonna listen to this shit. Right. In a certain sense, it's very difficult to be an artist, if you have come from a very normal nuclear family, because you can't really talk about much that happened, and you don't probably have much to talk about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why. Yeah, no pain. No good blues singers. But let me say this very quickly. I can't remember if I mentioned this for a while, but I was thinking about this, and it's interesting. You can tell, and somebody should. You should do this experiment and you can find out. Do this on a date. Do this on a date because you want to find out whether your mate has a good relationship with their dad or good relationship with their mom, because that will eventually come into play in your relationship, most assuredly. So here's what you should do. There's a lot of projection goes on. You'll talk to someone. And this has happened to me before where I said, like, so what's going on? Like, you want to get together next week or whatever? And they go, now I'm going to be gone for two weeks. I'm going on a cruise with. Actually me, my mom, my dad, and my sister were all booked a cruise, and we're going around Alaska. We're going to be gone for 10 days. That person's reaction will tell you how their relationship is with their parents. And when I do the thing where I go, oh, God, you fucking. What happened, man? How'd you get roped into that shit? You got duped into it? Or is it one of those things? Is your dad dying of cancer? Like, what's up? Like, oh, my God, that sounds miserable. Oh, you're gonna be so miserable. And then they go, I like my dad. And you go, oh, God, it. But you and your mom on the fucking lido deck for 10 days. 10 days trapped on a ship with your fucking mom.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know. Get to see her.

[Adam Carolla]

And they go, they live in Portland. I don't get to see them that often. But you guys are gonna be eating dinner, you understand? You're gonna be sitting in a tent, fucking trapped on a.

[Theresa Strasser]

You can't get off until you.

[Adam Carolla]

You better hope some Somali fucking pirates take that shit over you. Hope they fucking push your ass over in your wheelchair like they did when they took over that fucking achilles Laurel bike 20 years ago. Oh, man. Oh, the humanity. Oh, it sounds horrible. And then you realize at a certain point you're just projecting.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're going, I like my mom. That doesn't sound. I'm looking forward to. It was my suggestion. And then you keep going. I go, was my idea. Your idea? Oh, you got some kind. Hey, how about you put a cigarette out in your eyeball? That's a better idea.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what you call a tell.

[Adam Carolla]

It's what you call a tell. So all the young people listening when they go on a date, just go, I just got done going on a 10 day cruise with my parents. And if the person across from you goes, oh, God damn, then do not marry that person.

[Theresa Strasser]

Good advice. Diabolical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but good, right? Yeah. You do find yourself completely projecting all of stuff. Like, yeah, me and my dad hiked the John Muir trail. Took us 28 days. Oh, God damn. Now I would have killed him. If you start hearing that, that's bad, right?

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, T. Now Patrick Warburton is here. Maybe we should do the news with Patrick Warburton.

[Theresa Strasser]

Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

Should we do that?

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring him in. I'll talk about our good friends [e-mail]. they got lots of cool stuff. Lots of, well, retro stuff. Stripes, plaids, solids. All from the 60s and 70s. Or at least it has that VI fabric. Ain't that old. The look. The look is retro, but the fabric, brand new. Christopher Wicks, he's the owner and designer of the place. And I got three of their shirts, actually four of their shirts. Really cool stuff. Got this sort of UK mod look. Got a little of that rocker and got a little soccer influence as well. Scott Weiland, Stone Temple Pilots, has his own collection on English Laundry as well. And it's stuff for men, for women, for kids, all by the way, you can save 20% off of all the non discounted items just typing in my name, Adam, in the checkout basket. So go to englishlaundry.com and drop my name 20% off. Really cool stuff. Hey, see, there's pictures of me. Englishlaundry.com Patrick, good to see you, buddy.

[Patrick Warburton]

Good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, how are you? Good. Thanks for coming out.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's my pleasure. I just ran back out there though and locked the car up because the neighborhood looks a little.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little dicey. Patrick, of course, on Rules of Engagement and. Oh no, wait a minute.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, yeah, I got that Family Guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And a new movie out by the way, Rock Slide.

[Patrick Warburton]

Rock Slide.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, tell us about that.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's just a little. It's a little film we did in a two week period. We shot it over about two week period. But it's about a guy who's, I guess, a less than brilliant detective who, yeah, he's a little bit of he's a little moronic, but he managed to get the job done.

[Adam Carolla]

Patrick Warburton, by the way, in the last celebrity Toyota Grand Prix, beat me by, I would say, two hundredths of a second.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, how did it all go down? First off, I think you tried to kill me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, everyone tried to kill everyone.

[Patrick Warburton]

I was trying to make a pass on Carolla's left. We're talking about racing, so I have to refer to you. Just last.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Corolla.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, I'm on the side. Yeah. And there was a crashed vehicle on the left. And I looked over, and all of a sudden, I didn't see Adam anymore. I saw this, like, devil face, you know, as I'm going, as he's pushing me into a crash car.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my car was broken at that point. Patrick was up my ass, and I knew I had to essentially attempt to block him for the last two laps of the race. Otherwise. No, that was it.

[Patrick Warburton]

Because you had decided, since I'm not going to win, neither are you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Well, that was. No one will go. Yes. That's that thing where the guy says, you're all coming with me when he pulls the pin on the grenade.

[Patrick Warburton]

That's right. I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

But Patrick beat me, and it wasn't a tenth of a second, and it wasn't a half tenth. It was two hundredths of a second or something.

[Patrick Warburton]

It was really great because I speared the corner at the end, which was kind of a dickish move. I wasn't sure when we.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't block you there.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, no. And I figured, well, all right, so that's tit for tat. And as I walked up to your car, I was like, I'm wondering what Adam's take is going to be on this. Either he's going to deck me or say, all right, good job. You got me in the corner. So I pull up, and I'll never forget what Adam said. I looked at Adam just said. He looked at me and he said, you should have won that race. You're the best driver here. And it was a spectacular race. You drove. He didn't say that out loud. He said I was his own.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking it was all, think about how girthy your penis is. Girthy. Not length, but girth. That's what I was focused on. The new movie is out on dvd, by the way, as we speak. Yes. Sorry.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, I don't want to talk it. We shot it in two weeks for $300,000, and they want me to mention the cost. It's just it's a little film I think did turn out really charming and nice for what it is. It's not something that people should look at and go, you know, $30 million. I mean, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not Avatar.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's not. No.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you shoot it on?

[Patrick Warburton]

It's not even Avatar light. Did you shoot it on my iPhone?

[Adam Carolla]

Patrick, you want to hang in and do the news with us?

[Patrick Warburton]

I'd like to help you do the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Thank you. And also, of course, you can hear Patrick on from the international news center next to Donnie's minibot family guy. This is short with Theresa Strasser.

[Patrick Warburton]

I'm only hearing out of one side.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you don't even need the headphones. Tebow.

[Theresa Strasser]

You will maybe in a second. I've got audio. Big production values today. Before I get to the big story of the day, which is Elin Nordegren finally speaking out. And Tiger has responded. First, I have to play Miss Philippines. So Miss Philippines was about to take the crown. I mean, she had. She had basically smoked the bathing suit part of the competition, and all she had to do was get by the interview and the tough question from the judges. She was getting hers from Billy Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Theresa Strasser]

So really? I mean, this thing was hers. It was hers to lose. Here is Billy Baldwin interviewing Ms. Philippines.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, judge number two, William Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

What is one big mistake that you've.

[Kyle Turley]

Made in your life and what did.

[Brian Bishop]

You do to make it right?

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much, sir, for that wonderful question. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

[Theresa Strasser]

Good evening, Las Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, Sir? In my 22 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major, major. Kill the drifter. To watch him die in my life because I am very confident with my family, with the love that they are giving to me. So thank you so much that I am here.

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much.

[Theresa Strasser]

Never made a mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you. Well, must be nice. And I'd comment more on that, but last time I talked about the Philippines, they tried to kill me.

[Theresa Strasser]

Is Miss Philippines not beautiful though? She's phenomenal.

[Adam Carolla]

She has a look like who's the chick who was in Wayne's World?

[Brian Bishop]

Tia Carrera.

[Theresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

She does. 22 year old virgin. How about that?

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you for that question. That's a great time killer.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, thank you for that question. She worked in her love of her family.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Always good to work in the hometown crowd, too. Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Hello, Las Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to do hello, Las Vegas, because no one at Las Vegas is from Las Vegas. So no one gives a shit. They're all from somewhere else. Of course, when you've been in Vegas. You ever from Vegas?

[Theresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So if you see a guy on stage going, hey, Vegas. Like, if you're from Cleveland, by all means, hey, Cleveland Rocks, you know, but if you're Vegas, don't do it.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's like, no, it's a city without a soul. They just want to make sure that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Worry about the Filipinos. And is it Ms. Filipino? Ms. Philippines. Ms. Philippines.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Theresa Strasser]

That sounds about right.

[Adam Carolla]

So did she win?

[Theresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Theresa Strasser]

That was it.

[Adam Carolla]

She never made a mistake.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think Miss Mexico ended up taking.

[Adam Carolla]

But what would you do? Like, I mean, you couldn't say, I got really loaded and got passed around a frat house once. DUI on a pool, a snooker table. Yeah. Like, you couldn't say that or DUI or any of that. That. That thing. Right. You couldn't say, talking about having a.

[Theresa Strasser]

Horse, how do you make it about education? Like, you'd have to say, you know, I dropped out of school, or, I didn't work hard enough in school, I didn't reach my full potential. Something like that.

[Brian Bishop]

You made fun of, like, a classmate in third grade. Like, I was a chubby kid on class, on the playground, and I made fun of him, and I'm regretting it ever since.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. And later on, that fat ass killed himself. And I remember thinking, I should have pulled a policy on that.

[Brian Bishop]

Leave that part out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

It is a difficult question.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But saying you've never made a mistake.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, today Peter Tilden asked me, and then I botched the question after talking about her botch, I kind of botched it. But that show moves really fast. You only have about 30 seconds to answer any question, and then I can't really get into any of my really serious mistakes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all just like not buying, you know, Apple stock in the. In the 80s. Right. Or something like that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I mean, honestly, I quit a few jobs I shouldn't have quite quit. And I really regretted it. That was a big mistake. But I couldn't really get into it. And also, I did. I always regret dumping Steve Agee on Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, on Christmas.

[Theresa Strasser]

There's a time and a place.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially when a guy. A guy who eats as much as Steve Agee eats. He's a large man. I think that day, eating holiday. And it's hard. It's hard to eat when you're sopping.

[Patrick Warburton]

Who's Steve? Was he my boyfriend?

[Theresa Strasser]

He was a boyfriend.

[Patrick Warburton]

Boyfriend. He was big.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's a picture of me. He's on the Sarah Silverman show. And he has a lot of manta dump.

[Theresa Strasser]

I felt terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you still do. You can emotionally you can dump him, but physically, if he was a corpse, you couldn't dump him. There's no river big enough. No, no. It's a lot of man. Warburton wouldn't be an easy guy to dump either. I would base my killing on the size of people like ah, Warburton. First off, we couldn't get him into the trunk, we couldn't get him in the trunk, we couldn't get him out and we couldn't get him on. You'd sink the boat. We took a lot to drop him in the river and put a weight on him, you know? Yeah. Age would be one of these guys you wouldn't kill just because of his size.

[Patrick Warburton]

He would just try to be friends with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. So I felt bad for that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, I felt bad for that. But I also couldn't come up with a very good answer on the spot. And there's a hilarious quote. George W. Bush was asked that question and I think his answer was, yeah. Could you submit your questions ahead of time from now on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And isn't that like saying out loud, the teleprompter's broken, like just sort of letting people know you're not really doing what you think you're doing or what you're supposed to be doing. Here's my thing with this. And you guys tell me what you think of this. There's always a lot of like regrets, like, well, I made fun of that kid or I did this person wrong, or I wasn't nice to this person growing up. How about all the people you really didn't tell the fuck off? Like, I got a laundry list of people where, you know my first construction foreman, Mike Ken, the guy who's my manager at McDonald's. Like the idea that I just slipped away without ever stopping going, hey, fuck you, you're a world class cocksucker. Like I should told when Mr. Gregory failed me from driver's ed in high school and essentially ruined my summer for not submitting a 10 page report when I couldn't fucking spell on passive restraints. I should have said, hey, old man with a fucking bad tube that everyone can fucking see from outer space. You're a fucking lonely old prick. And suck what's left of my miniature cock. Wait a minute, I think I told him myself. Suck. Patrick Warburton, super girthy a 55 gallon drum of a cock. Is that weird, sad, man. That's the whole thing. Like, my big regrets is that he said, you failed. And I just slinked. I slunk or slinked out of class and I never fucking turned back around and went, listen, I know I'm fucking 16. I didn't get my learner's permit, but you're fucking 55 and you live in a shitty apartment. Van Nuys. You drive a pile of shit Dodge Dart. You make $21,000 a year. And fuck you.

[Theresa Strasser]

Is there anybody who you should have told to fuck themselves?

[Adam Carolla]

Patrick.

[Patrick Warburton]

Oh, my God. Well, I was the smallest kid in high school and I got picked on. I remember there were times I walking home from the bus and I actually got spit on by these really? Yeah. Just total assholes. And.

[Adam Carolla]

How can you be the smallest kid in high school?

[Patrick Warburton]

I weighed 95 pounds freshman year.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you went to school in, like, American Samoa or something like that. I was only 235.

[Brian Bishop]

It was the supermodel equivalent of, like, I was gangling.

[Patrick Warburton]

The rest of the guys were eating three pounds of poi for breakfast, and they put on the pounds. But I, you know, I don't know why I didn't just, like, go off insanely and just, like, start. Even if I got the crap kicked out of me. It's just that I didn't stand up for myself, you know? Why didn't I go back with a baseball bat or something? You know, it's weird because that was 25 years ago or 25 years ago. That was when I was 13 years old. That was, Jesus, 32 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Patrick Warburton]

And it'll still make me angry. I'll be, like, driving, thinking, that fucking motherfucker should have spit back in his face. I mean, whether you go down or not, it's walking away and not doing anything that's a little different than being berated by an asshole teacher. That is like something that really, to your core, you're just like, what did I think of myself not to not. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So the point is, there's a small. I mean, because we're all decent people, there's a small group of people that we owe an apology to, but there's a much longer list of people who owe us an apology, and we should have told them to fuck off. And next time I run for Miss Filipino or Miss Philippines, I'm gonna fucking. That's what I'm gonna tell my biggest question. Let's start with Baldwin.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey.

[Theresa Strasser]

Hey. Which first of all, why isn't Aleci here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, where's Alec Baldwin? Number one? Number two, that movie you did. Slither Sleuth.

[Brian Bishop]

Sliver.

[Adam Carolla]

Sliver Blue ass.

[Theresa Strasser]

You owe me a.

[Adam Carolla]

So my biggest regret was going see Sliver.

[Theresa Strasser]

Can you imagine who said that?

[Adam Carolla]

You be Al. You be Billy Baldwin. I'll say.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay, what is your biggest regret?

[Adam Carolla]

Wasting eight motherfucking dollars on Sliver. God, that thing was a turd.

[Theresa Strasser]

Bret Michaels would have probably had another aneurysm because he was hosting. He would not have known what to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, where's the bandana? So in case she has an aneurysm, no one knows.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

How awesome would that she would get my fucking vote for the President? Forget about Miss Universe. That would have been awesome. Right?

[Theresa Strasser]

Sometimes I do have the fantasy that today's my last day on earth. And what I would say to people. Go ahead, it's pretty sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell Warburton what really think of it.

[Patrick Warburton]

You're really thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be nice though? Wouldn't it be nice like a sort of, I don't know, pinking the brain sort of fantasy where you could control the mouth of a super hot 22 year old. Oh my God.

[Theresa Strasser]

Why didn't you guys do this on the man show like you did with the kid?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I actually did it with a deer, but yeah, we did with a kid too.

[Brian Bishop]

Made up movie, but that would have.

[Adam Carolla]

Been, oh my God, awesome. Controlling her mouth and then the look on her face when that came out.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, the odds that she even knows who any of the Baldwins are and that she would have seen an obscure shitty movie.

[Brian Bishop]

She wouldn't do a lot of talking with that mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Theresa Strasser]

Cause you control it.

[Patrick Warburton]

I was a judge for the Miss USA Con contest like 20 years ago and I was on a panel with Ricky Martin.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Patrick Warburton]

And Lisa fields. She owns Mrs. Fields cookies or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? He's gay.

[Patrick Warburton]

I don't know who else better.

[Adam Carolla]

And famous Amos.

[Patrick Warburton]

It was the most fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you married then?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, I was, yeah. My wife came because I don't know what she wants. She wanted to go on the show. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. And we had to interview each one of these ladies individually, you know, young ladies and so. But the whole thing was just.

[Theresa Strasser]

So do you guys remember the Miss Teen South Carolina? She famously probably gave the stupidest. I think we have it.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the Iraq.

[Theresa Strasser]

The Iraq, yeah. I mean they should have it queued up back there in case you feel like taking a walk down memory lane.

[Adam Carolla]

All Right, Here it is. And let's. How about the poor sons of bitch. The poor mic stands with the tanning lotion on that. Have to stand next to them and hold the mic while they're fucking going on.

[Theresa Strasser]

To be fair, she's 18 and Miss Philippines is 22. So that four years. A lot of learning goes on each, even for a hot girl. Some information does get in.

[Adam Carolla]

During those four years, you learn how to dodge jizz.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a lot of mistakes, though, but.

[Adam Carolla]

You learn when you're hot. From 18 to 22. That's the main thing, is learning how to dodge a jizz salvo. Well, sorry. That's why we're fucking doing a podcast here.

[Theresa Strasser]

She is at 18 without that knowledge.

[Adam Carolla]

Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is? I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education, like. Such as in South Africa and Iraq. Everywhere. Such as. And I believe that they should. Our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian country.

[Patrick Warburton]

Look, I don't think it's right to make fun of someone who's mentally impaired.

[Adam Carolla]

I just don't.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's not such an easy target, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, from one hot girl to another, Elin Nordegren is finally speaking out, giving her first and probably only interview since it was discovered that her husband was a serial cheater.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Theresa Strasser]

She spoke to people and she said, I've been through hell. It's hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden, was it a lie? You're struggling because it wasn't real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn't kill me. She then talks about her daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

What doesn't kill you makes you richer.

[Theresa Strasser]

Makes you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think that's what Nietzsche said. Whatever doesn't kill you. Well, she cheats. She spoke to that. And she said that money doesn't buy happiness or put my family back together.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but the lack of money buys misery, which is the part that people. No one ever fucking talks about. That part.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Like having money doesn't make you happy, but it does get you fucking air conditioning when it's 108 degrees outside, so you're not miserable.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. It buys you childcare so you can take a nap. It buys you groceries so you aren't hungry. It buys you insurance so you can get medical care.

[Adam Carolla]

And when you get the chicken shit ticket for $46 because your bumper was an eighth of an inch into the red zone, you don't go, fuck, that's a day's work. You go, fuck it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. Or what about the feeling you have when you're taking out your family and your three kids and you think, oh, my gosh, if they order beverages, then I'm not gonna be able to put gas in my car tomorrow. Is that fun or happy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Is that happy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You backhand your wife because she ordered the bottle instead of the tap. Well, not only that, or just a box of wine that we like to bring with us, you know, the last.

[Patrick Warburton]

Year or two, it's a screwing. It's been rough on the economy, and you've heard a number of those tragic stories where, you know, like, the guy shoots his family and then himself, and they're always having money problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

She's not the rich guy saying, no, I know we're gonna go to Hawaii next week, but I'm gonna kill all of you in the.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's true.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's like, look, let's take God out of the equation.

[Adam Carolla]

You can be miserable and have money. There's no doubt about that. And it doesn't buy you the definition of happiness, but it buys you safety and comfort, which oftentimes makes you happy.

[Theresa Strasser]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Theresa Strasser]

Absolutely.

[Patrick Warburton]

Or at least content.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Patrick Warburton]

Or at least less than miserable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Well, look, it's sort of the difference between flying first class versus flying coach. You may arrive at the same place. You may not be miserable in coach, but your chances on that flight of being happy with a high ball in your hand and a nice leather seat that fully reclines and a nice screen playing your own movie. Yeah. There's a higher percentage chance of you being happy. I'll bet you the people in first class are happier than the people in coach. Money did, in fact, buy them happy.

[Theresa Strasser]

And Patrick makes an excellent point. It seems like that never happens, but it did. When guys go on killing sprees and they go, it's always, they were just fired, they were just laid off, or they'd been out of work. It's terribly painful.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Tiger has responded already to Elin's interview with a statement saying, this is a very painful, personal, and private time for our family. Throughout this entire time, Elan has shown unwavering concern and support for our children. She is a wonderful mother. I know that the two of us will do everything we can to help our children, our children adjust to this new family situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and your pussy smells.

[Theresa Strasser]

P.S.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now, is he saying that to the reporter? Was he saying that to the reporter or literally psy smells.

[Adam Carolla]

Pussy smell.

[Theresa Strasser]

I got. I didn't know. I thought that was postscript.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, that's what it stands.

[Theresa Strasser]

What about when they do pss.

[Adam Carolla]

Super, super smelly.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that super stinky?

[Theresa Strasser]

Because I got a lot of letters have that.

[Adam Carolla]

BSS. Yeah, yeah, that's P.S. puss smells and then PSS, pussy super stinky. The more you know, the more you know. Thank you very much.

[Theresa Strasser]

They did try.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna give her $100 million.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, they tried to save their marriage initially. They did, yeah, According to Elin. But I guess there was not enough trust.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Call me just a jaded dick.

[Brian Bishop]

You're a jaded dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I swear. You're eeling first off, Tiger woods, once you're. Once you're over the part where he's the world's greatest golfer, you're just dealing with a boring dude, right? Probably.

[Patrick Warburton]

I don't know. I would always be fascinated by the fact that I am with the world's greatest golfer.

[Theresa Strasser]

That is fascinating.

[Patrick Warburton]

I know I work on and I'm not, but I would think that would be pretty spectacular.

[Adam Carolla]

But you pursued Fuzzy zeller in the 70s. Pretty.

[Patrick Warburton]

I did until I heard that remark about the watermelon said screw you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Patrick Warburton]

A big jerk.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, the point is, Tiger woods seems like a self absorbed, super serious, you know, up. Up at the tee at 6am he ain't, you know, you're not fucking hanging back with him and smoking a fat one and chilling by the pool. I mean, he's a motivated guy, right? And he's a guy that didn't have a normal childhood and had an overbearing dad and so on and so forth. He's probably not a barrel of laughs to hang out with. I mean, again, once you get past the this guy's the world's greatest golfer, you're probably just left with a sort of a brooding jock kind of perfectionist guy. Probably picking on you and criticizing you and wanting to know why you're not working harder and focused and whatever. God forbid you put on five pounds. So I'm just saying she's beautiful, she's young, she's figured out what kind of guy this guy is, and now she's got 100 million bucks as a parting gift, right? She's young, she's on her. She's. I mean, in terms of getting divorced, worst case scenario, Is no money. And here, here you go. Pack your crow's feet and hit the bricks in your Dodge Dart. You know what I mean?

[Theresa Strasser]

Take your one year old, your three year old, your crow's feet and your C section scar and your waitress job and hit the road.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's the worst.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the worst gig, right? Mm. Okay.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think she'll be fine. Probably go back to Sweden. Although I think they're gonna try to share custody, so I'm not sure how that's gonna work out. But you have to hand it to Elin. There are a lot of nasty things she could have said.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

And she has not done that because that is her children's father.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she has. Miss Philippines is her mouthpiece. She does her dirty work.

[Theresa Strasser]

She's being controlled.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just thinking about the next dude who gets with Eland, because it's gotta be.

[Patrick Warburton]

There's another hot chick. Damage guts.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's that weird thing where as a guy you do that you don't like to think about the chick's old boyfriend, but it's like, you're like, yeah, she used to fuck Tiger Woods. Hey, would that be good? Like, there would be an element of. Okay, is there that weird thing too?

[Brian Bishop]

Whenever she, like references like, oh, me and my ex used to go here. And you're like, you and Tiger, right? Yeah, Me and my ex used to love this restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Patrick Warburton]

Now this is weird. This is weird. And you can appreciate this because you're a car guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Patrick Warburton]

And I just got a 1969 Dodge Charger, like a year ago, you know, and now I know why I call. Because her name's Angelina. Now I know I like hot old cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Why they give them a car like Angela?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. Because all of a sudden they're really hot and you got to have them, and then all of a sudden you realize like, they're damaged goods and they weren't so honest about how the guys are with you. Because I bought this car and I just love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Single owner.

[Patrick Warburton]

I'm looking underneath and I'm like, yeah, I'm like, rusted body.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, beautiful owner.

[Patrick Warburton]

You fully disclosed how many guys you were with right.

[Adam Carolla]

Before you know it, you're pounding on that. She's temperamental. Trying to get her to turn over.

[Patrick Warburton]

She's temperamental. She doesn't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

You know what a turnovered up personality that you had no idea.

[Theresa Strasser]

The stick isn't touching oil.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Patrick Warburton]

There you go. She's not lubed up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, that's why maybe they named ships and cars after that reason.

[Patrick Warburton]

Absolutely beautiful, but damaged.

[Theresa Strasser]

Here's a story out of Florida. Drunken man was arrested after getting into an obscene argument with his bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Theresa Strasser]

Officers noticed Richard Bailon, 68, in the Wee hours of the morning letting his bike have it in the middle of a mobile gas station parking lot. He was disturbing the customer, so cops broke up the fight he was having with his bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Was it a 10 speed and then like how do you verbally assault that? 10 speed? Yeah, 10 speed. Don't make me laugh. More like a three speed piece of shit. I get some mountain, some lesbian mountain bike to kick your ass. I'm guessing mountain bikes are all.

[Patrick Warburton]

There are guys that are actually physically in love with their cars. There's a special, the BBC you saw that they actually bang their cars and.

[Adam Carolla]

Say, Jay Leno, go ahead. He doesn't listen. Literally fucking one of his cars right now.

[Patrick Warburton]

I spotted him on the freeway one time, 300 yards behind me and I knew it was him because he was in this big old huge convertible with the goggles and he looks like a cartoon character. And I'm like in my rear view mirror 300 yards back, I'm like, I think that's Jay Leno. And then as he pulled up, I flipped.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the same experience at the LA Auto show with Hasselhoff, but Hasselhoff doesn't need to be behind the wheel of a Stanley Steamer. He can literally just be standing there in boots and you can spot him from outer space. It's like I thought it was a Hasselhoff impersonator. It was that much of the Hoff was being exuded.

[Patrick Warburton]

He is charismatic.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a weird, it is a weird thing for Leno and God bless him. But the cars he's driving around have. If you're just basically a rich white non smoker, which Leno is highest percentage chance of buying it is behind the wheel. And when the wheels on the car are made of wood, it goes up a little bit, you know what I'm saying? I mean, it's weird, but you think about Leno, it's like, okay, Leno's not going to get shot in a drive by because he's going to score some crack in east la. And he lives in a nice neighborhood with security and a wall and all that stuff. And like I said, he's not drug addict, he's a non smoker. Really for us, we're gonna buy it behind the wheel of a car. That's how you buy it. And he's driving around cars where, forget about fucking safety. They had like catgut in them for the brake liners. I mean, forget about crumple zones or airbags. These things were nothing. And all it takes is just one chick who's texting like Miss Philippines or Miss Blondie was talking to Mario Lopez. She's just, she's in her Denali and she's returning attacks and she just T bones him and his fucking nothing mobile.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, that's why you don't ride motorcycles in LA anymore, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be the day comedy died. What's funny about that? How dare you?

[Patrick Warburton]

But Leno, though, is a car expert too, because he's obsessed. He's been as you to a degree. Right? Don't you like, don't you have like your own garage? You work on shit?

[Adam Carolla]

I am. I am you. It's one of these things where it's like. It's like going to an AA meeting where you think you had a problem until you meet the guy who's like, well, what happened? Well, I'm Jake and I'm an alcoholic. Whatever. I drank a fifth of lantern oil and then I pissed it out, set it on fire and torched my nine month old kid with it. And you're like, I'm gonna go out.

[Patrick Warburton]

And buy a 12 pack.

[Adam Carolla]

I just gotta DUI. I got two DUIs in six years. Like, I had no idea you pissed on your kid, lit it on fire and caught and burnt the whole house down. Like, wow, wow, are you further along than me? And so I junk around in my cars and do a little vintage racing and around and I think I got it bad. Then you go to Leno's shop and you go, whoa. Totally different thing going on here.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

I think it's a real problem too. It's great when you can afford all that. But I, you know, I. I love it. I love the cars, you know, But I'm still, you know, I can't do shit underneath the hood, you know, And I still have other people.

[Theresa Strasser]

Are we still on the female metaphor or with a car?

[Adam Carolla]

He's saying he doesn't eat pussy.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's what I heard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I heard.

[Patrick Warburton]

Wait a minute. I love uni. I think it's telling about a man. If he eats the daring sushi, that means that he takes care of the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that the puffer fish?

[Patrick Warburton]

No, not the puffer fish.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's kind of like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little. It's. It's a little taint yeah, you know, it's a rim job.

[Patrick Warburton]

It's kind of like, you know, the tide pools. That smell. You know, if you get stuff, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Eat the T. That's interesting. So go out on a date. Take them to the sushi joint, see if they order the uni, and then.

[Patrick Warburton]

Say you went on a curve.

[Adam Carolla]

Every department say you went on a cruise with your mom. Right.

[Theresa Strasser]

By the end of that date, you know everything.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, where they get a good eating and the. This guy's a good family man.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay, now let's get back to the.

[Brian Bishop]

Part where the lantern oil's still flammable after you pee it out.

[Theresa Strasser]

That guy had a low bottom. What do you want, Brian?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

After he passes through your liver, it's still flaming.

[Adam Carolla]

You drank enough of it? Yes, Brian.

[Patrick Warburton]

Geez, I drank Smirnoff one time. That's about as daring as you got.

[Theresa Strasser]

Listen, I was gonna get to a story about a jilted boyfriend. Remember that guy from do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Remember the guy they'd seen in Swingers where he keeps calling her back and call her back and probably everyone cringes because maybe we've done something similar like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

A guy in England called his ex girlfriend 2000 times in one week, begging for her to take him back. Pathetic. Jason Annis, 27, also sent her more than 630 text messages and more than 350 messages on Facebook. She went to police to file a complaint. In the time it took for her to give her statement, anna's called her 56 times.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this. How about a little tease on that story for our good partner, Stitcher?

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, my gosh. This story. Okay, I will just tell you this, and we'll do the rest on Stitcher, but there is a video that went viral involving a cat, and it is not at all adorable or cute in any way.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we will get into that. I want to. And I knew I can tell you, Please.

[Patrick Warburton]

Something that I did that will make you feel uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Patrick Warburton]

And any guy who listens to this story will vicariously feel really shitty and cringy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Good. I love it. Oh, good. We'll hang out for one second. Patrick Warden, I changed my mind.

[Patrick Warburton]

I don't want to tell it.

[Gina Grad]

No, I can't wait to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Patrick Warburton]

Really stupid. I opened the door for that.

[Adam Carolla]

The movie's called Rock Slide. It's out on DVD. And go to rockslide.com go to rockslide.com rules of engagement.

[Patrick Warburton]

The movie. Rockslide.com. sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Season premiere of Rules of Engagement, September 20th, 8:30. And I should also give a little tip of the cap to Paul, Brian and Teresa Drauser. So next time. This is Adam Coroll for Brian, Teresa and Patrick saying mahalo. And now Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla extra. All right, now, a little extra extra Stitcher content. As we teased with Teresa Strasser, Patrick Warburton is hanging in with us and actually Paul Bryan as well, mainly just because he's too lazy to leave. Somebody must be parked behind him. And yep, t the story.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay. A British woman caught on video dumping a cat into a trash can apologized for her actions. Mary Bale, 45, began receiving death threats after the video for dumping the cat in the trash went viral over the weekend. Earlier, she told reporters she couldn't understand what all the fuss was about, saying, it's only a cat. She figured the animal would be able to wiggle its way out later in the day, you know, more death threats. She said, I want to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for the upset and distress that my actions have caused. She was reportedly walking home on Saturday when she saw the cat and decided it would be funny to toss it into the trash.

[Adam Carolla]

Ms. Philippines comment was BFD.

[Patrick Warburton]

I'm not really a cat person. I would never do that. I made a cat take a swim one time. They don't like the water. I got letters.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, my gosh.

[Patrick Warburton]

I was like 18 years old and we just went in the pool. They swim faster than dogs, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're fine. They just don't like it.

[Patrick Warburton]

Teresa hates me now.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you.

[Brian Bishop]

She was a cat lady.

[Patrick Warburton]

She didn't like me much to begin with.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, here's the footage, by the way.

[Theresa Strasser]

Like, just throwing it. And by the way, that cat's named Lola.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, let me try to figure. Let me try to figure this out. She's petting the cat. She picks the cat up. She lifts the lid on the garbage can. She jumps the cat in. What do you think her intent was like? Is that her cat? Is she around? Or she hate her neighbor? And then she just immediately walks away. So in her mind, she was killing the cat. Killing the cat, Right.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And a cat.

[Theresa Strasser]

A cat would never be able to get out of that truck.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Because the lid is fairly heavy.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, not really.

[Theresa Strasser]

The owners heard the sound of the cat meowing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why Patrick always fills it with water, because that way the cat can swim its way to the tide.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, you got a dog, a cat. You must have a Pet?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well we have, we had four dogs, one got eaten. Now we have three coyotes mount last. No, we were hungry on it. That was a cougar.

[Adam Carolla]

Cougar? Yeah, cougar ate, ate the dog.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. Not a 40 year old woman but a, an actual cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Patrick Warburton]

It was a massacre in our neighborhood. It got a lot of the big dogs, like 100 pound dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Patrick Warburton]

It was on the news.

[Adam Carolla]

What size dog did you have?

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, well this one was a smaller dog. We have a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a lab mix and another mix shelter dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Rhodesian Ridgeback, call them rescue. See if you're a chick, your wife goes rescue you go shelter her. See she wants to take credit like donate the egg for five grand. But the point is, is imagine a cougar mountain lion. I mean really a 12 pound tabby could kick the out of a grizzly bear. Could you imagine a 100 pound cat?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just think about like a badger weighing 300 pounds, you know what I mean? Like how much would it think about? Just what a cat does. Like when you're holding a cat and it tries to get out of you and start pawing and everything. It's imagine that times cougar.

[Patrick Warburton]

Absolutely. That's why I don't go outside after.

[Theresa Strasser]

7Pm did you find the dog after it had been attacked?

[Patrick Warburton]

No, no, no. So I was watching the house and puppers disappeared right around that time when this cat was. Apparently we were in Europe.

[Adam Carolla]

No, nothing worse than the dog dying on your watch.

[Theresa Strasser]

Can you imagine?

[Adam Carolla]

You're. There's, there's a, there's a bunch of those stories where people do the house sitting and the dog gets out, runs out. It's never really the person's fault but it's still like you got a mess of a pup waiting for you on the way home and what they do she have to call you?

[Patrick Warburton]

So my brother in law was watching the house and.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh no, I think he was a couple shots.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bar didn't look the same when we got home.

[Adam Carolla]

He got into your hooch? Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

The good stuff. I put most of the good stuff I was anticipating so I put a lot of good stuff up in the closet upstairs and locked it up.

[Adam Carolla]

It was true. You know, be a nice, you know, be a nice thing. What they should do, you know they have like, they'd have like Coke cans that were safes or you know they had cleanser cans where you could put a roll of, of 20s in it. You know just a bible that was a safe or hollowed out or whatever. For the alky ne'er do well, brother in law, you should be able to get cheap booze, labels like pop off and stuff like that. You take your top shelf nice vodka and whatever and just put your shitty sticker on it. And the guy steers clear that meanwhile you take whatever, whatever P did, his brand is, and you put it on the plastic vodka with the squeeze stuff or the stuff's, you know, eight bucks a quart, that stuff, and just confuse the shit out of the alkyl. Alky brother in law. Save yourself some money.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, you're right, I guess, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're saying he had a couple pops. You didn't bring the dog in at night? He knew the routine. Bring the dog in at night. You guys were clear? Yeah, this is coyote country, much less mountain lion country. He didn't bring the dog in and.

[Patrick Warburton]

It was actually during the day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Well, he couldn't have been blamed then, right?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You still blame him. That's the whole thing. No, no, but the wife really does.

[Patrick Warburton]

He's my brother in law. Even though they're divorced, my son divorce everybody else, you know, doesn't treat him very well. He's my brother. I love him and I understand alcoholism, I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

But I was supposed to bring a dog in during the day. He was attacked during the day.

[Patrick Warburton]

Well, because it's a little dog, he likes to dig his way out. So you can't leave him out in the yard for over an hour. This is. Apparently he was, you know, didn't come out until like 12 in the afternoon, something like that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll be back. Oh, very sad.

[Theresa Strasser]

That was our Stitcher Extra.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sad Vitro. That was your Adam Carolla Extra on Stitcher Radio. And now Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra. Now a little Stitcher Extra content. Patrick, our last show promised to tell a story that may have been suitable.

[Patrick Warburton]

Now, I'm not sure, really, I said I could tell you a story where, you know, screw cringeworthy, it'd make you cringe. Anybody, any guy listening cringe? I guess I'll just tell you I haven't gone public with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear it.

[Patrick Warburton]

I'm excited. Wife and I are in Beverly Hills and we're just. We've never. We live in Ventura county, so we've never had like just a night stay in a hotel in la. And I guess it really doesn't appeal to either of us. But we're there in Beverly Hills. We got nothing going on. We're walking Around, I said, we're gonna get a good meal at least. So we go to Mastro's. And in the midst of this crappy economy. Yeah, it's still, like full. Is it Saturday night? So they're gonna sit us in the early seating, 6:15. So they put us upstairs in the corner. We're sitting there and a seven foot tall brother comes walking. I've already had one martini. The great thing of Mastro's is that you get the double martini every time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

You get the shaker. Right. So you're getting. Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And so it's one of the reasons I love that place. So I got a good buzz going on, you know? And like, whenever I told the story, too, I was like, well, this isn't like you to do this. I got a little bit of a buzz. But he's coming in. The only guy I know who looks like that in a seven foot tall, I barely know him, is James Worthy. So this guy comes in, I go, hey, James, how are you? And he stands there looking at me just like daggers. And then he goes. He just nods his head and sits down. And my wife's like, so, hi, is.

[Adam Carolla]

That your friend James?

[Patrick Warburton]

James Worthy? They go, no, it's not James. It's not James.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not James Laker. Great James Worthy, by the way.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, right? No, but this is my Ukraine, because I'm such an idiot. And these two guys, when you find out who this is, they don't look anything alike, right? He's sitting there and the waiter comes and I go, who's that? I go, not Dr. J. He goes, that's Kareem. I go, fuck. I just called him James.

[Adam Carolla]

You called Kareem Abdul James? Yes, I did. Well, yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

Now he's sitting eight feet down. I told you, Ukraine. Don't look at me like I'm an idiot. I am an idiot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying.

[Patrick Warburton]

I know. It is really. It's absolutely absurd.

[Adam Carolla]

That is insane.

[Patrick Warburton]

It is insane. But it gets worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Patrick Warburton]

So we're sitting there, and then they bring some oysters. And I'm like, I need another martini immediately. Make this a Hendrix, you know? So he brings it, and now my elbow goes into. I'm so uncomfortable. Goes into my martini glass and just goes over like that. And I go for. Please bring me another martini. So now I've had two and a half, three martinis, whatever. I don't know however they count because.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, you get the double.

[Patrick Warburton]

I got the double.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

I am ready to slide over and make everything okay. With Kareem now.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Patrick Warburton]

Because one of the, you know, and so I slide over to him and I'm like, kareem, I'm sitting over there with my wife and the waiter. And of course I'm saying, I tell him that this is the stupidest thing I have ever said in my life. And of course, my wife of 18 years could vouch that it's not the stupidest thing ever. So he's like, you know, actually smiling. I have. He's like, poor son of a bitch. He's trying to crawler's way out of this miserable thing. So it's like I kind of had healed things a little bit, you know, cream. I just was being an idiot. And now I decided. This is where I decided to make things worse. I said, you know, I even have that issue of Life magazine from like 25 years ago with your life size handprint in it, you know, trying to explain what it is. Sure. And I could tell as I explain this, I can see in his eyes that that wasn't him. And he knows it wasn't him. And I know that wasn't him. He just looks at me.

[Adam Carolla]

The lifetime handprint.

[Patrick Warburton]

Handprint was not his. Yeah, I know, right? At that point I go, no, that.

[Adam Carolla]

Was Dr. J. Yeah.

[Patrick Warburton]

And he knows it's not J. He doesn't say anything. He goes, he goes, nah, that. I was on the COVID one time. I go, that's what I got. I got.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I got.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Patrick Warburton]

I jump in on that. Goodbye. I slide back over and Kathy's like, everything okay? I go, it's worse, it's worse, it's worse, it's worse. And that's kind of how he left it. But when we walked home, I mean, I know I kind of wear it as a badge of honor, just like. You can't be any fucking stupider than that. You can't blow it. You really can't. Like, in the realm of sports, too, it's like, what are you a. I'm gonna say chicken. That's, you know, like there are so many women who would never, ever, ever have made that mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

But I did. So how about the time you called Ice Cube Barack?

[Theresa Strasser]

There's that.

[Adam Carolla]

There's that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now there's one thing you could have done to make it worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Keith.

[Theresa Strasser]

Which is. You know where I'm going with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, go right ahead. I will play. I will play. Kareem Abdul Jabbar Lu Alcindor. And also Ferdinand, I think is his real name or Something like that, yeah. It turns out I will. I will play him. Teresa will play me. During a radio interview.

[Brian Bishop]

This actually happened.

[Theresa Strasser]

This happened.

[Patrick Warburton]

This happened.

[Theresa Strasser]

Kareem called in to Adam's show.

[Patrick Warburton]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew a phoner. I will be Kareem, okay.

[Theresa Strasser]

Promoting a book on the Harlem Renaissance.

[Adam Carolla]

And you will be. Teresa will be me.

[Patrick Warburton]

Okay.

[Theresa Strasser]

Welcome to the Adam girl. Welcome to the show, Kareem.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. It's good to be here.

[Theresa Strasser]

I got a question. You're tall. About how tall?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm seven foot three. Why is seven. I want to talk about jazz.

[Theresa Strasser]

Can I just ask you this?

[Adam Carolla]

Can I just ask you this?

[Theresa Strasser]

Are you going to Tall Guy Math right now?

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote a book.

[Theresa Strasser]

Hold on. I don't want to interrupt you, but let me ask you a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Why does it seem like tall guys are always dying really young?

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean? I know what you mean.

[Theresa Strasser]

Wait, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what?

[Theresa Strasser]

It's just I don't ever see a really old tall guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't, but I don't now. I've not heard that before.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, come on. I mean, have you ever seen, like, a guy over 6 foot 6 that's in his 70s?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, Lamb, beers. I never thought about it. I guess you're right.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, really, it's like you guys must have come to, like, a shortened lifespan or something. Do you know why do you do those? Circulation.

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought about it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Or joint problem or bones.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Theresa Strasser]

How old a man are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote a book about.

[Theresa Strasser]

You're already, what, 50?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm 67.

[Theresa Strasser]

Jesus, Brian, play the clock ticking because I can't believe this guy's still.

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought about this before, Adam. No, it never crossed my mind. You're six years old. You're the first person ever brought this up. So anyway, they use something called a mute, which is what you use on a trumpet, and it gives it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I want to thank James Worthy for being on our show.

[Adam Carolla]

It was literally went down like that. Yeah, it was. The first thing that popped in my head was like, you never see fucking old guys over 6'six you know?

[Patrick Warburton]

So now the. Because beautiful, fantastic performance. The. Was that.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that.

[Patrick Warburton]

Was that mock discomfort of you, or were you actually. Discomfort? You obviously could have been that.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought his answer. I really thought his answer was. Was going to be, well, there is. There's an explanation for this. And when he said, I never thought about it. Okay, moving on. But, yeah, I ended up talking to him for a good 20 minutes, so it worked out okay. And then later, had my second most uncomfortable Kareem Abdul Jabbar moment where he was playing in the Celebrity Dodger All Star whatever game with me. And they put it. They put it after the game this one year. And of course, the game went into extra innings. So we all sat in, like, the, you know, bar. Not drinking, though, because we're gonna play baseball in an hour. And he just sat there, and little woman came up and she was like, hey, Mr. Abdul Jabar, do you think he's signed a baseball for my. For my son? And he went, no, I'm not signing anything right now. And she said, but here's pen and the ball. I got it right here. And he went, yeah, I'm not signing anything right now. And she said, it's for my son. He's 8 years old. And he went, yeah, I'm not signing anything right now. And he went. Sat back down again, and I was sitting right next to him, like, going, I'll sign it. I'll sign it for you. I'll hold your hand and do it. I was like, crawling. You know the thing where you want to crawl out of your own asshole and escape, you know? And so about 10 minutes later.

[Patrick Warburton]

What an asshole. Can I say that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The kid came up 10 minutes later, was like, hi, I'm Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Anything. And he's like, sorry, not sign anything. He's like, but police. We're right here. Not signing. I'm not signing anything. I was just like. I was sitting so close to him, and we were talking, and I was like. I was so fucking radically uncomfortable. But I realized that guy's been handed so many fucking basketballs in his life and said, sign this. That a certain point he had to just become like a glazed over assassin in the military.

[Patrick Warburton]

But a lot of these guys. A lot of these guys get concerned about, you know, if your quarterback signing football, if your basketball player signing a basketball. But, but. But Kareem signing a baseball. Baseball is not worth shit, really.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure the kid was just gonna go play over the line because it's.

[Patrick Warburton]

Assigned baseball, but it might be worth $20. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not.

[Patrick Warburton]

He's not gonna go sell. This kid's not gonna go. Just take it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a novelty either way. Whatever you gave to Kareem, he deserved it.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. All right. He actually gave me a nod, though, on the way out. I think he might have felt sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted another drink.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah. Who's this fool? Oh, we were sitting at his table, too, by the way. That's what the waiter said. You called him James and you are sitting at his table. This is where he and his wife always said, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Both have beards. They're both black. They both play for the Lakers. Thank you. That was your Adam Carolla. Extra.

[Brian Bishop]

This is Adam Colisho390 with Patrick Warburton, Teresa Strauss and Brian Bishop for 2010. Coming for our next clip today, we have Adam Curlishow523 featured Kyle Turley, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Rose and Brian Bishop.

[Brian Bishop]

This one's from 2011. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam's guest today, offensive tackle turned musician Kyle Turley. Plus Allison Rosen on news, Paul Bryant on sound effects and health. Watch with Dr. Spaz. And now, whatever you're doing, stop. He's annoyed by it. Adam Cole. Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Excited Kyle Turley coming out here. Former Ram, former Saint, I believe possible, former Jet. Talk to him about that. He's a good looking, slender, but a huge man. Plays tackle in the NFL.

[Brian Bishop]

Is he slender?

[Adam Carolla]

He's not defensive. He's not. No. He's an offensive tackle. He's not one of those guys. He's one of those streamlined guys and he's a bit of. All right, I can't wait. You're going to like him. He's a guy who has a little bit of a temper, threw his helmet in the air, that kind of stuff. He's a couple Monday Night Football games.

[Brian Bishop]

Not his helmet, opponent's helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Opponent helmet. That's right. All right. Good day. Ball. Bryan Boops and Allison Rosen. Hello. Adam Carolla and Dr. Spaz, aka Dr. Bruce is here. I thought I'd get him in here so we didn't give him the short shrift. Also, lots of questions for Dr. Spaz. First off, I have lesions that I'd like to show you. Assume there were bites and I don't have problems. Skin wise, I don't get bites, I don't have rashes. I don't get that kind of thing. That rosacea. Certain things that other people get. I don't get that. I almost never do. Once a while I'll wake up, there'll be a mosquito bite on my ass. But that's about as far as it goes. And when it comes to things like fleas, I'm the guy who doesn't get bit. And everyone else in the house gets bit. So I'm waking up and I wake up one day and I have these raised bites. All I can Think of are bites on my legs, on all my lower legs, from the thigh down, basically, with like one rogue one on my hip, but nothing. Thigh up, and then the next day, more. And they're kind of big and they're pronounced and they're not clustered. They're spread out all over the place. And then at a certain point, they start to blister and leg herpes. Leg herpes. And it was from the dry hump. And Bruce was saying, well, maybe it's shingles or something. And I'll show you, Bruce. But both legs, both sides, shingles, sort of. They congregate.

[Dr. Bruce]

They go along what's called a dermatome. So they follow a linear pattern where the nerves.

[Adam Carolla]

Shingles are painful, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, they post herpetic. It's the afterward syndrome, where after you've had the lesions heal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, let's see. Let me get around. Let me show you my backside here. Let's see. Let's see where the hell Adam is.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Dropping trowels.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. And the show has reached a new level.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Oh, there's one. There's some.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. You can. You can see now that they're kind of spread out. They got big. They got pretty pronounced. Most of them were just sort of. They look like big mosquito bites. And then some of them start to break, sort of break off. And they're like. They go up on the thigh and they come around the other. There's stuff like this there. I've got probably 15, 18 of them.

[Dr. Bruce]

Both legs.

[Adam Carolla]

Both legs. And so it was like, you know, I've been living with, you know, Molly sleeps on my feet, but Molly's been on my feet for five years. I've never gotten a flea bite. She doesn't have any fleas on her. Combed through her. Washed the bedding, you know, washed everything. The following night, did the same thing. Had him again, like three nights in a row. Lynette's not getting bit by anything. They just started, and they just start now. They've sort of stopped.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't know what the hell they are.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, the most common malady, the cause of that kind of thing, is bedbugs, which is really epidemic. And I know that even though you go and state they put you up at the finest hotels.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Do you sleep?

[Adam Carolla]

We state the no roof in. Do you sleep in Mike August book. That's the no roof by the airport. The red roof's a little pricey for him. Plus, it's got the word roof in it. There's the no roof.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Right, Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I've traveled a lot. I haven't had any problems. But then maybe I brought them home. Except for I haven't been on the road in two weeks. Why did they just kick in?

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then why doesn't Lynette get a bite?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

They look like. The other thing is, people come in and you see these things after they've scratched at them, and they.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't scratched at them. And were they itchy, though? Yes, they're itchy and do bed bugs. If you brought him back with you from Toronto, they have an accent. Would it hop. Would it get to. You couldn't get through customs with him, could you? If you brought them back with you, would they kick in a week later?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, that's. No. Usually it'll happen there. It's possible that it happens.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, that's the whole thing. I wasn't anywhere. I was at home.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, but you're out in your yard. You walk out there in your shorts. I mean, they look like bites, and they're not in any kind of alignment. That would.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I said. I'm being feasted on by something. The other thing is. God damn. Had the carpet cleaner because of all this and because it was time, had the carpet cleaning guy come out. Comes out once, twice a year, cleans all the carpets, but seemed like a good time to get him out. Who knows what's living in those carpets? He comes out on Thursday afternoon and Friday evening, it's already been hit with vomit. Sonny's yakking last night about midnight, just doing the nice, you know, just. Just blowing, like, projectile vomiting out. We went out to dinner last night. He's. He's in the backseat of the car saying, my stomach doesn't feel so well. Of course, Natalia's like, I don't feel good either. And, like, Lynette's like, natalia, remember we had that conversation about the girl that cried wolf? And she's like, I know. And like, does your stomach really hurt, Natalia? Yes, it hurt. Of course. She goes and eats, you know, four pizzas and 15 breadsticks and watch them down with a, you know, gallon of sangria.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Did you go to Olive Garden?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And, you know, bottomless salad bowl over there, and she's eating everything that's in front of her, and then she just goes home, goes to bed, you know, of course, Sonny's like. He's kind of saying. And then he just does the. Does the. Chuck, I don't appreciate the phantom pain Stuff like Lynette says to her. I'm serious now. If your stomach hurts, you tell me. But you're just saying it because Sonny stomach. I know. Mine hurts too.

[Dr. Bruce]

She's seriously having a conversation with a.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the difference between men and women and boys and girls. I think Sonny minds his own shit. If Natalia's sick, she's sick. He doesn't give a fuck. More toys for him to play with. You know, just don't. Don't vomit on the Angry Birds app on the iPad. That's all he cares about. But she's got the pain anyway. He's, you know, now vomit. I'm out. I'm taking the. Doing that thing where you're. There's nothing worse than when something gets vomited on and you have to sort of turn it into a trough, you know, like a throw rug or something, and then drag it outside and hose it down. It's like you're bringing this cauldron of vomit outside and I'm, like, spreading it out. I'm in my bathrobe and I'm barefoot and I'm drunk and I'm spraying it with the hose by the side of the pool.

[Dr. Bruce]

The bad news is this is going around right now. And tonight Natalia will be contributing to the way that. Barfarium.

[Jason Schwartzman]

What's the. This? Some kind of stomach barf flu?

[Dr. Bruce]

Stomach flu?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

People come in and then when they get there, I tell them, you know, it sounds like you have. What's going on? I'm much sicker than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't talk about flus in front of Jews. Else is going to get it just by you bringing it up.

[Jason Schwartzman]

No, but I had something that. Had a really bad headache and I felt nauseous. Is that it?

[Dr. Bruce]

That's the early stages, followed by fever, cough and bites.

[Adam Carolla]

Ovulation.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a combination of, like the normal flu with stomach flu. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And lastly, my torn meniscus. Do I have to go in and see a specialist? He can see the mri. Can't he just read the mri? What's he need me for?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, you didn't go yet?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's urgent. Urgent.

[Dr. Bruce]

I order this thing. I get the results, I get them faxed to you. And that was like, what, two months ago?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, once I found out it was torn, I figured, what am I gonna do? Yeah, you know, well, heal it. How does it feel?

[Dr. Bruce]

The thing with the tournament hurts. It still hurts.

[Adam Carolla]

It always hurts.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, well, yeah. They have to examine you. I mean, how dare you suggested A.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at the picture. You got a picture of the inside of me?

[Jason Schwartzman]

They like, take another one.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing on the outside. Few. Few mosquito bites and some hair.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's. It's not a. It's a billable occurrence. If they can examine.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. I mean, that's what I'm saying. I went. You have an MRI of what is going on inside of my knee where you can see there's a torn meniscus. What do you need me for?

[Jason Schwartzman]

See, you could be one of those people who's just using someone else's torn meniscus MRI to get free. Not free to get some meniscus surgery because you're crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Seriously, if Sonny tears his meniscus, the tow is going to claim she tore hers as well.

[Dr. Bruce]

Now, here's the thing. First of all, as I recall, you've already had surgery.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I already had a tornado.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a complicating factor.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, I may not have needed surgery if I did not have to move furniture that night. If I could have just went home with my torn meniscus and elevated my knee and put ice on it like a human being.

[Jason Schwartzman]

But you don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Not only do I not do that, that's what I keep telling people. Zero self esteem. Bald Brian thinks I. When I say I'm jealous of him, he thinks I'm. I'm making fun of him. I'm not.

[Brian Bishop]

I know you are.

[Adam Carolla]

I am. I wish. I wish I had enough self esteem grafted onto me by my family where with a torn meniscus. I could have told Donnie, I cannot help you move heavy furniture tonight up flights of stairs. I've injured myself and I must tend to it. But no, I was like, all right. I actually felt like. I really felt like if I don't go with now at the time, to be fair to me, all I knew is I dislocated my knee and it was starting to swell up. But at the time, that's all I knew. I didn't know I had a torn meniscus, but I knew I'd injured my knee quite badly. I didn't want to. I felt like I would be a dick to Donnie if I didn't help him move furniture that night.

[Jason Schwartzman]

This is why I don't have furniture friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you should never.

[Dr. Bruce]

So you weren't as narcissistic than as you are now. In other words, now you tell him to go to.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the same guy, okay? Same guy. Got a Little smarter.

[Dr. Bruce]

So let me just go ahead. So once you've had surgery, then the MRI can be falsely misleading. So in this case especially, they need to examine your knee.

[Adam Carolla]

They said they saw it where it was fixed before and that.

[Dr. Bruce]

And there could be some scarches. There could be artifact from that surgery that could lead the MRI appearance to too.

[Brian Bishop]

Like the Ark of the Covenant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, kind of artifact. Let me ask you this, Bruce. And I know. I know everyone wants. Always has that thing Drew used to drive. He used to drive Drew nuts, where, like, he'd go, like, look, you've got a problem with this. And then people go, I've never had a problem with that. And he'd go, well, you have it now. And they'd go, I've never had a problem. It's like I'm telling you, of course. It's like, you know, pulling your car in and them going, you got a problem with your transmission? I've never had a problem with my. Oh, okay. But eventually, you have a problem with your transmission. But here's what. And I know you don't have an answer for this, but just dig. I played 11 years of organized contact, pads hit you in the mouth, football running and getting cut, blocked and speared and all. Blocking punts, doing everything. And I was, you know, when as a kid, I was a maniac on the BMX bikes, and I crashed a billion times, and I jumped off a thousand roofs, and I did everything. And then here I am, I don't know, 20, 21, just playing a pickup football game, literally. Just running in the open field. Just in the open field. Running hard, but just in the open field. Pop knee pops out. Torn meniscus, of course, like I said, aggravated by moving a diner booth that evening up a flight of stairs. But pop, pop knee gone. Okay? Now get it repaired. Fast forward 40, 25 years after, you know, doing Dancing with the Stars and doing all the boxing and doing all the everything, I'm skipping my rope. Same way I skip it every night. Just very lightly, very smoothly. No, no big impact, no nothing. Just skipping. Feel a little there in the knee. Feel at my foot. Then I feel it, my knee up. That tore the meniscus again.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Is your knee made out of paper mache?

[Adam Carolla]

Should I have to earn it? If you've seen all the things I've done to my knee and not injured it. That's the thing. That's crazy. I played 11 years of football. No torn meniscus, and then I'm running torn meniscus.

[Brian Bishop]

Question for Bruce. Can this Be a cumulative thing. Like, can it be after years of wear or is it just a once in a.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, eventually you're gonna.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually you're gonna snap your hip rolling out of bed.

[Jason Schwartzman]

But it never gave you trouble before, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

But when you're just not as aggressive or not as focused on what you're doing, when you're doing Dancing with the Stars, when you're out there playing football versus skipping your rope, you're not.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a little more loose, Barely moving, right? Barely move.

[Brian Bishop]

How aggressive and focused were you on Dancing with the Stars?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how dare you. I'm saying it is. There's. And it happens every year for a reason. Sometimes two or three times a year or contestants. It's easy to get injured because you go at it like four or five hours a day and you're jumping around and you're doing a bunch of shit. It's just basically made for people to get injured.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Taps are shock absorbent, Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

When you're jumping rope, you're not. Your knee is not something you're focused on keeping it right.

[Adam Carolla]

Two million revolutions.

[Dr. Bruce]

Exactly. But there's probably more play. Okay? And again, there's sheer forces on the meniscus are tremendous. And if you get just the wrong angle, it's. It's just like what happens to a lot of people. The pain goes away. There's a little. There's a little. A little flap of meniscus. It moves around and usually.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'll.

[Dr. Bruce]

So you need to go. You need to get it examined. You need to have an orthopedist. You had a radiologist read that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that was your fourth one, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I don't know what that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. With the bruise. All right, I'll deal with it. Okay. And then on a worse, even worse note than the AIDS and leg AIDS and the meniscus, like herpes, you know, I had. I had Mike lynch come over today because we're working on the new book and we can't get any work done because I got this house system where I just. I can put on music in my house, you know, and I.

[Jason Schwartzman]

A stereo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But it's a system where it's like you can. It's hooked up to the Internet. You know, you can play the 80s channel and I play. I said I'd play the 80s channel, but I heard a little too much in excess. It's a party here. That is what it is. There's what it is. And, you know, too much flock. Full of shit and that fox, you know, men without hats and so much. Just, you know, like, you know, I heard like, Sweet Dreams by the rhythmics one night, and I just went, oh, fuck it. I can't take. I can't take it. If I hear any more fucking Prince or Eurythmics, I'm gonna kill myself. Play one good fucking band from the 80s, you retard. So I switch it over to the 70s channel. They have a little higher batting average in the 70s. Mike walked in. When Mike walked in, Witchy Woman by the Eagles was playing witchy. I had to do 20 minutes of who the wants to hear this song. But here's the thing. As I was yelling to Mike and my wife in the kitchen, you can't fight to it. You can't to it. You can't dance to it. It's no good for karaoke. It's just pure, un, unadulterated, uncut, pure Bolivian shale shit. Stepped on pure shit. And so witchy woman, she's got the devil. Okay, we get it. I always wanted. I was laughing with Mike because I'm like. I wanted to be a manager for the Eagles in, you know, the mid-70s, when Don Henley came in or Glenn Fry and went, I got an idea for a song. Oh, let me guess. Let me guess. See. Hmm. Is it that song about Picasso?

[Adam Scott]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Who could it be? Oh, oh, a witchy woman. Cat's eyes, night.

[Brian Bishop]

There's some supernatural elements involved in my song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll have you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Cajun Queen. Let me guess where she's from. Indiana.

[Brian Bishop]

No, as a matter of fact.

[Adam Carolla]

Cajun Queen. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Montana.

[Brian Bishop]

No, that's not very.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, New Orleans. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like you're making fun of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Why didn't have you as a manager?

[Adam Carolla]

In her eyes, she's a witchy woman. It's like such a fucking piece of shit. And I was pissed off about it.

[Brian Bishop]

I haven't heard the song yet.

[Adam Carolla]

I did 10 minutes on it. Forget about the Silver Spoon. That they would work into every. The cocaine reference. Then that song ends and Hot Legs by Rod Stewart fires up. And I'm like, who's that knocking, Hot Legs? And it doesn't end, and it's just another in between piece of shit. Look, I understand if you're in a mood. I understand the. I want to hear some Walking on Sunshine. I just got divorced, got settled, or I just got a raise or whatever it is. I want to hear something upbeat. And I understand the slow. Like, my girlfriend dumped me I want to shed some tears. This pile of came on, and I was angry, and it doesn't. It doesn't end. It doesn't end. And so I'm yelling at Mike, what the is going on? What? Did Led Zeppelin not have a song in the 70s? So we could possibly. Here. Couldn't hear a little Misty mountain hop? Couldn't hear something good. There's. There's not something from Pink Floyd that we might hear. There's not a good band that came out with a song in the 70s. And as I'm complaining about that, I hear the very first licks. Do you have the song? Oh, no. This kicks in, and I'm just. That's it. It's it. It's over. It's over. You know what? No. No one ever called him a guy who could write lyrics. That's the one. They call him the pompadus of love, and they call him a gangster. They call him a space cowboy, but they never called him a guy who could ever put together a sentence.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, listen.

[Adam Carolla]

Throw myself out the window.

[Dr. Bruce]

Lynch wanted some entertainment. He put the playlist together.

[Adam Carolla]

Something decent. What, you. You ass wipes? God damn.

[Dr. Bruce]

How about Eagles post Joe Walsh?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take Joe Walsh. Anytime. Any. Any James Gang. Anything. All right. You know, people think I'm kidding. I think he got tossed out of the Eagles for writing good songs. Hey, we don't need any troublemakers here. Yeah, he's just sitting there doing turn and walk away, and they're like, what's that have to do with the gypsy woman? I didn't hear any cliches about cats eyes and nine lines.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I don't even hear any cliches in there. That's a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

That just sounds like a good. That sounds like a great guitar riff to me.

[Jason Schwartzman]

So original. That's not gonna work.

[Dr. Bruce]

Even Bob. The great Bob Dylan in the 70s.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Dr. Bruce]

The kids took me to a Bob Dylan concert two weeks ago. What an exciting time.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, Bob Dylan sucked when he was good. How. How the fuck is he now?

[Dr. Bruce]

It's unrecognizable. I could not tell, even though I knew him, so I could not tell the tune or the vocals. Oh, no, you. It would be great just to play one refrain.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I saw him at the grand there. 80 guys in banjos, a wall of banjos behind him while he was singing. That, by the way, the. The wall of musicians behind you is the porn equivalent of the chick keeping the bustier on. It means she's fat, got stretch marks, and she's hiding Every once in a while you see a porn where the chick keeps some of the clothes on. That ain't washboard abs.

[Jason Schwartzman]

It's an auditory muffin top.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. When you have 11 guys who basically were instructed, just beat the shit out of that instrument and don't even stop the brain. Just fucking hit it his arm and hopefully he'll get lost in the. In the shuffle in there. Why would you see Bob Dylan?

[Dr. Bruce]

Joey and Elizabeth love him.

[Adam Carolla]

John Hyatt. Come on.

[Dr. Bruce]

They like John Hyatt too. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. They were.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Wait, did you see him at the fair? Yeah, in Orange County.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, they were kids, bought the tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

So was he. What? Was he unrecognizable?

[Dr. Bruce]

The music was. I knew it before I went, but the music was unrecognizable. Blowing in the wind. It could have been, you know, hot legs and you wouldn't have known the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What did your kids have to say? They were.

[Dr. Bruce]

It was sort of like. Well, at least we could say we saw Bob Dylan. That's what they said. But they said, dad, wow, you were right. Because I told him, I said, you're. You're not gonna recognize the songs they're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be like me. Coming up, sucker punching Muhammad Ali. And go. I knocked out Muhammad Ali before he died. Take that, Parkinson's.

[Dr. Bruce]

And he's playing the keyboards the whole time. Some strange hat on. So they were. They wanted to hear him with them, you know, with the harmonica.

[Adam Carolla]

Playing the harmonica very well.

[Dr. Bruce]

Martin, guitar. And they.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but people miss that super shitty harmonica. Oh, yeah. If we could only hearken back to the days where he couldn't play the harmonica.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, was it depressing?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Depressing scene at the fair.

[Dr. Bruce]

Depressing vibe. Like seeing the older people load smoking pot and trying to get back into this. Some of the crowd was depressing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, shall we. Shall we do Witchy Woman, Hot Legs and the Joker? Feel like I'm being punished.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we do a little health beat with you there, Dr. Spaz? Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

And what to talk about.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace Broadcasting presents Healthwatch with Dr. Spaz.

[Dr. Bruce]

Great news. There's a new drug resistant strain of gonorrhea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Resistant to every known antibiotic. Really? Not been identified in the United States yet.

[Adam Carolla]

But is a condom gonna prevent that?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, a condom will prevent aftd. But you know who's using condoms out there?

[Adam Carolla]

Not this guy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not my patients. No. So just one more. One more scary thought in the back of your mind.

[Jason Schwartzman]

What does it do to you?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, you know the gonorrhea.

[Adam Carolla]

The problem is, by the way, you don't have patience. You have gang bangers who come in after they get stabbed in Fontana.

[Dr. Bruce]

An ABC reporter got shot yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. That's my point. I mean, it's like. It's like a warden calling his inmates clients. He doesn't. They're not clients. They just come in and they come out and you watch them.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's a nice swath of society amongst my patients. It's a nice.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage of them are insured?

[Dr. Bruce]

It's Kaiser, They're. Well, probably including Medi. Cal. Healthy families.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's 75%.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not bad.

[Dr. Bruce]

No. A lot of people losing their insurance. It's really sad. But anyway, so. Yeah, so anyway, what's the problem with gonorrhea is that it can cause really. It goes heart valve infections, gonococcal arthritis, gonococcal pharyngitis, which you see in a lot of teenagers come in bad sore throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

But anyway.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Gonococcal pharyngitis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Scary.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oral fat.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I'm afraid of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oldest son.

[Dr. Bruce]

But the problem is it can cause infertility, scarring. It's a huge problem in women. Just like chlamydia. It can be a smoldering low grade infection causing problems in women's reproductive tract.

[Jason Schwartzman]

But it's like the first sign.

[Dr. Bruce]

Just.

[Jason Schwartzman]

For people out there. And then I'll let you move on.

[Dr. Bruce]

Discharge, yellow discharge, urethral or vaginal discharge and fever, urinary tract symptoms. That's usually within 24 plus hours after exposure. So that was just something I thought I'd mention.

[Adam Carolla]

And of course, now do Guy. Guys. Is this one of those things where women might have it, may not know it, whereas guys do know. There's the weird ones where the guys can have it, not know it, and the ones that women can have it, not know it.

[Dr. Bruce]

The classic is chlamydia. Women can incubate chlamydia forever and not have symptoms.

[Adam Carolla]

It causes a low grade three to be stopped.

[Dr. Bruce]

It can cause a low grade infection that's causing scarring. Tubes get scarred up. Gonorrhea, usually there's more of a. You get exposed to it, you contract it, and there's more of a reaction, there's more of a. Mm. Yeah. So, okay. Next thing, of course, the Amy Winehouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Very interesting things. And of course, the Dr. Drew connection. I don't know if you've heard this.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. Oh, yes. You made it. He was a couple things.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like to hear Amy Winehouse, just in the condition she's in now, than Witchy Woman ever again for Hot Legs. Like, I'd literally have her corpse roll over onto a microphone. I would find it more melodic than Witchy woman. Sorry. Yes, Dr. Drew. When is that kid gonna get a shot to get on the news, by the way? This thing, see, it's all stupid because I got into, you know, vintage porn and vintage cars and fixing up houses and no one calls me. Dr. Drew became the voice of. Hey, every time a celebrity ODs or gets arrested for DUI or is found with cocaine or whatever, whether they die or whether they're just driving the wrong direction on the 101, we'll put you on the news. And there's a never ending supply of that. So you're constantly out there.

[Jason Schwartzman]

You need them to crash into a vintage house, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

You're not serious. Why would they call you? He's a physician. He's an addiction medicine specialist.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying I picked the wrong thing. I got nothing. It's like someone has a question about Taboo, too, but, you know, how often does that pop up?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Not enough.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, here's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to hear the Muzak version of it, by the way. Sorry, go ahead.

[Dr. Bruce]

Drew was getting calls from Europe, which he didn't recognize the number and wasn't answering. It turns out, allegedly, he even got this message.

[Adam Carolla]

He thought he had a kid over there.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it was Amy Winehouse. Her people. She had requested his number. Her people had provided it, and he had. Apparently she had. It's not definite, but that's the.

[Jason Schwartzman]

That she was trying to reach.

[Dr. Bruce]

She was trying to reach Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk to Dr. Drew's wife today. Susan.

[Dr. Bruce]

How's Susan? Did you talk to her or did you just listen to her?

[Adam Carolla]

I listened at her, yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

How's she doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, evidently, there's a little difficulty in a house that they were renovating with a sister, and I got to hear.

[Dr. Bruce]

Their side of it for 45 minutes. That's the usual.

[Adam Carolla]

I cut her off about 38 minutes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Only person with rants longer than yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, except for mine are fucking riveting.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I bet. Hers don't even have any humor to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a ton, but plenty of vitriol. Bruce, you should know that Drew was at work again, by the way. No. Yes. Yes. Always at work. Working on, like, you know, that teen whore or something.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know, he's got another show coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I'm like, for. For what network? Oh, it hasn't been Invented yet. No shows lined up. He wants to bank shows in case there's new. They find new bandwidth, they'll have a show prepared.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, this guy, I thought, well, he's got all these shows. I get more calls to do Loveline, but it's less. The more work he gets, the more he's everywhere. Doesn't want to miss anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, impressive. Yeah. Well, listen, when you have a. Here's what Dr. Drew has. Let's hear the music version. He has a manager's whore who basically send him anywhere for a fucking nickel, number one. So here's the combo. Here's a potent cocktail manager who will never, never miss an opportunity to send him anywhere to pick up a nickel because he gets a penny when Drew gets a nickel. Dr. Drew, who will never miss an opportunity to pick up a nickel, so thus, never tells his manager, hey, I'm not going. No hobbies, per se. You know what I mean? Like, I fucking love my cars and my vintage cars, and that's what I'm interested in. So thus, everybody. Minute I'm working on something is a minute I'm not working on my shit. No hobbies. And a wife who's can be a pain in the ass. So the point is, is show me a guy who's out all the time and busting his hump, and I'll show you guy who don't want to go hang out at home, right? It's like. It's the Brett Favre syndrome. Every year he goes home after the season, he goes, that's it. I'm retiring. And then he sits there and he stares at his wife, who knows he's been cheating for the last 13 years. And, you know, texting pictures of his cock and, you know, all that kind of stuff. Stares into her eyes for a couple evenings. And then he goes, you know what? I think I may catch on. May catch on with the Vikings this year. And then he wants to go out on the road with his dudes again. Here's the deal.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, he's an internist. Internist. That's their makeup. Me, Emergency medicine. Well, a lot of guys, it's like, I want to do my time, and then, ah, I'm free. I chase guitars. I can.

[Adam Carolla]

His hobby is his career and is making money and doing tv.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let me say this. And I'm. He's not paying me to say Drew. If I were to go to a doctor. And having a doctor vouch for another doctor is the most important thing. The guy's. He's brilliant. He's A great clinician never helped me.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I'd go to you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, well, you know, I'm not so.

[Adam Carolla]

Bad myself, but Drew doesn't owe me 50,000 bucks for a laser. Well, I miss my laser. You. You paying me off? Jesus Christ. All right, sorry. What's next?

[Dr. Bruce]

What's next? Well, we didn't talk about Amy Wines.

[Adam Carolla]

Cosign for Bruce's laser.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, somebody puts that in Wikipedia and.

[Adam Carolla]

My kids money, and it's like, you get punished. You really. You make money and you get punished. That's pretty much how life works. I made the mistake of making a buck about 15 years ago, and I've never stopped being punished for it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, I never stopped getting punished for lush spa.

[Adam Carolla]

Two years of my life. Where's my. Are you making payments to me?

[Dr. Bruce]

The IRS first, Then I'm gonna start making awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. But the Amy Winehouse piece, what has come up now is that she didn't die of an overdose or drug toxicity, but she died of withdrawal from alcohol. That's the latest theory.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jason Schwartzman]

So that's what her family's saying, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And then they thought she's pregnant because she stopped drinking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah, Then I heard the piece that her doctors told her, do not stop. They warned her, don't stop, but cut down. Which is the most absurd thing I've ever heard. The last thing you tell an alcoholic is to cut down.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the whole idea stopping can send them into some form of shock, though. Why can't they cut down?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, because it's. Lack of control is one of the hallmarks of alcoholism.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but so really what the doctor should say is, you need to be in a facility where you can be monitored. And this is very dangerous. You're stopping this cold turkey, essentially.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. And of course, there are the other medications, like the benzodiazepines, the Xanax and the Ativan or Valium, whatever else someone's taking. Those are very dangerous to stop suddenly.

[Adam Carolla]

So what do you think was in her? I know they don't have the toxicology report. And can I say this? You know, they do that thing where some famous person dies, and it's like, well, it's going to be two weeks before we get the toxicology report. Don't you feel like we could have that that evening if we needed it? And I know that you got your.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Meniscus report pretty fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a couple of fucking drifters you pulled out of the river that are in line in front of her. How about she Take some cuts, you know what I mean? Like, I know you got a lab and you got people and you got some protocol, but what's with the two week thing?

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, my buddy.

[Jason Schwartzman]

More than that. October 26th is when they're gonna announce it.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. I can't wait.

[Dr. Bruce]

My buddy whose son OD'd February 22nd. We got the stuff back last week, the OxyContin report.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Yeah, it's been five, six months. Why, why, why can't they. Well, but with all due respect, your buddy's son, as tragic as it was, is not a.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's a coroner's case, so. Coroner's case is routinely.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's months and one of the.

[Adam Carolla]

But it could be done over a weekend.

[Dr. Bruce]

Could be done the same day.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Dr. Bruce]

It just depends. First of all, they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they not. But here's what I'm saying. If they. And I know your buddy's son did not die in the uk, but is it a situation of. Look, these are citizens, they're not celebrities. Once they die, they're not celebrities. We have case logs here. We have your buddy's son to get to. And then we'll get to Amy Winehouse. If Amy Winehouse jumps to the front of the line, it's going to sort.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Of piss off the other dead people.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, she's jumping at the front of the line.

[Adam Carolla]

She is.

[Jason Schwartzman]

What's taking so long?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then why is it a month if you jump to the front of the line?

[Dr. Bruce]

Because first of all, you're. If they're doing the whole thing, you're doing tissue slices, you're doing samples. I mean, they're doing gastric analysis for drugs. So you have a. You have a lot of samples to run. It's not like just take. They're not gonna just take the blood, run a sample.

[Jason Schwartzman]

They have to make slides, liver tissue, bunch of stuff.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, right. And you're looking at toxicology on other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Still, this could be three day process. If someone really wanted it. It done right, probably.

[Dr. Bruce]

But there are certain, there's certain hoops you just have to jump through. You just can't, you know, have somebody run. You can't take everybody off of what they're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is, is if we got the contractor that finished the bridge in 39 hours during Carmageddon, we got him. It's a little more comfortable. As opposed to the guy who's working on the one off of Colfax, which is three years in the making now we got no, some of the things, you know, Bunsen burner, one of those eggheads asses. We get some answers, wouldn't we?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but even for Amy Winehouse, they're not going to stop. The entire toxicology lab and the entire pathology lab. But it's going to be faster. But the bottom line is it is possible that she was trying to dry herself out. A lot of people she'd been through rehab. It's like, this time I'm going to stop on my own. I'm going to do it myself.

[Jason Schwartzman]

So you can die from stopping drinking suddenly.

[Dr. Bruce]

You can, you can have a. I mean, the most common, what they were speculating is a seizure and aspirating on vomit, but they said that there was no vomit.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Bruce, you got one more. We got a little news to do here. What's going on?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, there was some interesting stories about rhinoplasty and mental illness individuals. The speculation was 10% of individuals that seek to have their nose job done have body dysmorphic disorder.

[Adam Carolla]

Not interested. It's fucking steroids for life. It's. It's unfair.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it turned.

[Adam Carolla]

It's unfair that everyone gets to get something done, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

But in this day and age, I mean, there's so much interest in looking at what's done to models, young girls.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I'm just saying, like, you just take teeth in general, like in order to have a nice straight, beautiful thing of teeth, you know, mouthful of teeth, that's 1 in 10. And then everyone gets them whitened and gets them straightened and gets the caps and the veneers and then they get the nose fixed up and then the next thing you know, they get their hair dyed. Next thing you. They're fucking good looking and they shouldn't be. And it's upsetting the balance. It's life. Steroids. Now they have an unfair advantage. They're getting jobs. I mean, it's a pretty simple equation. Good looking people get paid more, they get better jobs, they marry richer guys and vice versa. It's a much better life.

[Jason Schwartzman]

They're throwing off the curve is what they're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're juicing.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yeah, they're.

[Adam Carolla]

You're fucking worried about the Tour de France. Fuck that. I don't care about the Tour de France. It's life, right? We're all. Everyone's got a corked bat but me.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, so the bottom line, body dysmorphic disorder is a form of ocd, obsessive compulsive disorder. So these individuals in this study, God.

[Adam Carolla]

My nose is perfect.

[Dr. Bruce]

A third of these people have blessed. They get the surgery and they are not happy. They get the surgery and they're still not happy. So then they go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody does anything is happy. I mean, once you decide, oh, you think, I got my first vintage car and went, well, there you go. Scratch that itch. Moving on now. But now I want. Where's my next one?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but you don't downplay your first finished car. You still appreciate these people. Look at their nose. It's been fixed and it's still no better. Oh, they.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Then they want more nose surgery. Or then they are just like, now. The rest of me is fucked up too.

[Adam Carolla]

They.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, they'll. They'll go on to look at other parts of their body. It's an ongoing disorder.

[Jason Schwartzman]

See the parts of their body past.

[Dr. Bruce]

Their nose, they don't see accurately the way they look. And the issue is, young girls today looking at all the ads, looking at the. At the projection of what their body should look like. It just feeds the disorder. It just creates more. And there's a big concern.

[Adam Carolla]

I try to do that with my daughter. Like, I'll go, oh, look, it's a beautiful, pretty princess who's also smart.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, that's far too neurotic a disorder for you. Your daughter is not going to challenge you with such a simple problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Pain in the ass.

[Dr. Bruce]

She'll be wanting to take out your vintage cars. Just wait, Dad, I want to take the Lambo for a spin with Freddy. Literally.

[Adam Carolla]

Freddy. They're gonna be a boy named Freddy in 20. I don't know, 17 or whatever the hell she's.

[Jason Schwartzman]

No, she'll be going out with Aiden Wellington.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, we get the ejector seat.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hope it's Wellington. Yes, hello. My name is Graham Wellington. Yeah, no, I know it's gonna be.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know, I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I got. My name is Ty.

[Dr. Bruce]

I got some bad news for you. I'm getting a karaoke thing and a electric guitar for your kids. That's my next.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you're gonna love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Last time he got him a zither.

[Dr. Bruce]

I didn't get it. Oh, yeah, I got him. That was good. But then I got him the thermon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the airman.

[Dr. Bruce]

Where is my Thurman?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know what a zither is now.

[Dr. Bruce]

I got those things. Annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you should get him a laser. Oh, shh. Repo that laser. Just. Yeah. How about it? Yeah, the theremin. Yeah.

[Jason Schwartzman]

The thing is, those are cool. Gifts.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's cool. Unless you live with the person who's.

[Dr. Bruce]

Going, I never even thought of that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Shall we? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you about you. Queue up the news. Get ready with the news over there. I'm going to tell you about my good friends over at Legal Zoom. That's right. Alison.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Waiting for that perfect time to start your dream business.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yes, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you got to be smart with your cash.

[Jason Schwartzman]

How could I do that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you how. LegalZoom. What? LegalZoom.com wow. Yep. Keeping those legal fees to a minimum. That's who I recommend. LegalZoom.com answer a few simple questions online, fast, easy. 100% satisfaction trial test the documents personalized for your business.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Mine?

[Adam Carolla]

You can start yours. Start a Corporation or an LLC first. Little. I'm gonna let you guess how much.

[Jason Schwartzman]

$6,000. That's too low. 7,000.

[Adam Carolla]

$8,099. What? $99.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I can't afford not to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't? Oh, yeah, that's right. LegalZoom is not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction for even more savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business right. Protect your family. Let him know Adam sent you. Would you please safeguard your assets [e-mail] all right. And also, if you'd like to support us and you're going to get something off Amazon, please go through AdamCarolla.com and just hit our banner. We worked it out. It's all above the board. And whatever you were doing before, just keep doing it. Thank you so much. You want to support the show and you're shopping on Amazon anyway. Well, this is the definition of win. Win. All right, shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes. This is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Jason Schwartzman]

A tentative deal to raise the nation's 14.3 trillion debt ceiling, cut future government spendings and avert unprecedented default has been reached. The deal would first cut nearly 1 trillion in spending over the next 10 years, while raising the debt ceiling the same amount. Congress must approve the deal and Obama must sign it by 11:59pm Tuesday. And we have a bit of Obama's statement.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope and change, baby. Can you feel it? It's in the air. There are still some very important votes.

[Patrick Warburton]

To be taken by members of Congress.

[Adam Carolla]

But I want to announce that the leaders of both parties in both chambers have reached an agreement that will reduce the deficit and avoid default, a default that would have had a devastating effect on our economy. The first part of this agreement will cut about $1 trillion in spending over the next 10 years, cuts that both parties had agreed to early on in this process. The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president, but at a level that still allows us to make job creating investments in things like education and research. We also made sure that these cuts wouldn't happen so abruptly that they'd be a drag on a fragile economy. Now I've said from the beginning that the ultimate solution to our deficit problem must be balanced. Mr. Oh, that's the ultimate solution. Some Republicans have argued that's not the case.

[Jason Schwartzman]

That wasn't Germany's ultimate solution to pay.

[Adam Carolla]

Their fair share by giving up tax breaks and special deductions. Despite what some in my own party have argued, I believe that we need to make some modest adjustments to programs like Medicare to ensure that they're still around. How about getting more people to pay? That's why the second part of this agreement, I mean, put on pause for a second. There's one thing we're missing in this whole thing and we're always missing, it's always talking about, listen, we got to get corporations to pay their fair share, we got to cut back on Medicaid and Medicare. It's all this bullshit. There's a simple problem here. We have less than half of our society paying in and all we do is argue over what amount that half should pay in. And then to put a finer point on it, we have about the top, you know, 5% paying about 80% and we just argue over what should that top 5% pay. I think they should pay more. I think they paid enough. I have a better argument. What about the people that aren't paying shit? What about the people that are using the roads, using the hospitals, using the schools, using all the systems and not paying a fucking dime. Now do you think, could we focus on them, but do you think they.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Can afford to pay it and they won't or they're just not earning? What do you think is going on with them?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a few fold. They need to be brought into the fucking system. They need to be taken off of the welfare, they need to be taken off of all these plans, they need to put on birth control and they need to be folded into the fucking system. Not, it's, it's really, it's, it's a group, it's like having a Group of There's 10 people in the room. Five of them don't pay. Okay, but 10 people, we're all in a fucking boat and we're all trying to row, okay? And we're trying to get to the island fast enough before the storm sets in.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Half the people on the boat aren't rowing at all. So I have a meeting and I go, all right, listen, you five people who do no rowing but weigh the boat down, go blow a cigarette out on the Lido deck. I need to talk to these guys. And then I get these five guys who are actually rowing. And then I go, look, there's three or four you that are doing a little bit of rowing, but not too much. You guys go hang out over that. I don't need to talk to you. Herb, come here. I know you're doing 10 times as much rowing as everyone else. I need to get more out of you. I need to focus on you doing even more rowing. That's the plan. How about we get the five guys are smoking out of the fucking Lido deck and get him down here and go, hey, party's over. I need you to start rowing now. I understand. One guy's full blown retard. He can't row. When he does, he goes in the wrong direction. Well, guess what? Go back up on the. Teddy, go back up on the Lido deck over there and play with that finger trap thing I got you when we poured it into Tijuana there. Go ahead and play with that Chinese finger trap. Yes, the Chinese finger trap. Yeah, you play with that. But the other, the other four of you guys, let's evaluate you. How bad is your.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Marian has emphysema.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Yeah, let me see. You know what? Because I bet you could do some rowing. Maybe you row part time. And by the way, stop shitting out more kids and weighing the fucking boat down. And then we have to row twice as hard because of the extra weight that you've added on because you're extra kids who aren't rowing either. Do we ever want to discuss that? No, it's always about Medicare and Medicaid. So it's about the debt ceiling. What are we going to do? And then we focus on the corporations. Well, first off, it's just, hey, man, it's high time the rich start paying, start pulling their fair share, start paying their fair. Their fair share as opposed to zero that half the fucking nation is not paying in the fuck are we doing? Let's focus, people. Let's get on the people that aren't paying anything and get off of her. I'm not all for all the big corporate breaks and all that kind of stuff, but look, I'm willing to concede this. Let's say that General Electric or Pfizer or some big whatever, Big oil or big whatever big whoever that you don't like, that's not paying their fair share, that has their offshore accounts and their corporate whatevers and their loopholes. All right, so General Electric, they only paid 14% last year in taxes, whereas the medium average for families was 28% or 41% or whatever it is. All right, but doesn't General Electric have 100,000 employees? Mm. Do they have. Do they have bank accounts in the Cayman Islands? Seems to me like their hundred thousand employees are buying bread, paying taxes, using things, buying durable goods. So are we to kick the shit out of. You really think General Electrics the problem? I don't think they're the problem. Sure, they could pay more, but are they really the problem? Or is it a bunch of fucking leeches that are sucking the system dry? And when did paying more ever fucking fix anything? Oh, we're gonna give the federal government more money. Oh, well, now the schools. Pow. It'll be just like when we started the lottery out here in California, man. Soon as we start that lottery, schools turn into utopias because they got all that money.

[Jason Schwartzman]

How terrible would it be if we had defaulted? That's what I. That's what.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I feel like all of this is like counting the angels on the head of.

[Adam Carolla]

Why won't one politician tell somebody, hey, everybody's gotta start paying in.

[Brian Bishop]

How about this for a different analogy, though? I was thinking about this, okay? You're coaching the 49ers in the mid-90s. You have Jerry Rice on one side, you have J.J. stokes on the other side. That was your strategy. You tell your offensive coordinator. Now, listen, we got to spread the ball out evenly. Everyone's got to get a fair shot. That's the only way we're going to win. We got to get JJ Stokes. We got more out of him. Or you get more out of Jerry Rice, your future hall of Famer, or the guy who's going to be out of the league in a few years. You know what I'm saying? You got the guy who's capable of doing a lot more. You give him the ball more, he's going to score more for you. The other guy's going to be out of the league in two years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but J.J. stokes is trying to tackle Jerry Rice. He's not just. He's.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, in your analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's not doing a thing. Like, it's one thing. If he's running a pick and you're getting the ball into Rice's hands, that's one thing. Stokes is not running routes. Stokes is standing there and he's not drawing any defenders. That's what I'm saying. Pay something. Right now, you're just taking it in. All the people that are welfare, in and out of prison, shitting out kids. You guys are black hole. All my fucking money's going to you.

[Brian Bishop]

He's committing procedure penalties and you just want him to run some routes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing is, is we want. Okay. Oops.

[Jason Schwartzman]

In sports.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's what I'm saying. I had a great analogy, but I will go with Brian's much weaker analogy and make it better. Here's what I'm saying. Rice is already good for 200 yards a game. I would like to get the overall production of this offense up. Stokes has minus six yards a game. So I could go to Rice and go, why can't you get 250 a game? Or I could go to J.J. stokes and go, if you got 50 a game, we'd be up at 250.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I feel like the smarter play is, hey, Rice, we're gonna have to start throwing you the ball a little bit more. You okay with that? Because JJ's puking all over himself.

[Adam Carolla]

But Rice is tired and Rice wants to get traded now.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, now he's whining.

[Adam Carolla]

He wants to move out of the place like California and he wants to go to New Mexico and open his business because he's fucking tired of getting paid less or the same as stokes and doing 10 times the work. See, he's fed up. He's tired.

[Jason Schwartzman]

In sports news, since you guys are talking sports, Plaxico Burruss has signed with the Jets. The former Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Steelers and New York's Giants receiver will return to New York after spending two seasons out of football. He agreed to a one year, $3.017 million deal, which is fully guaranteed. The extra was a vanity point because his Number is number 17. He's a big, tough receiver with the ability to get vertical in the end zone. Yeah, I always say, yeah. He served almost two years in prison when he accidentally shot himself with a weapon he had concealed in his sweatpants.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, dumbo government. He's a fucking earner. He's one of the few 28 year old brothers that's Packing it in. More importantly, let him out. Don't fucking keep that guy in the street as an earner.

[Jason Schwartzman]

How can you steal a gun in sweatpants? I mean, I guess some sweatpants have a pocket. That's what I want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he tucked it into his waistband or something and it fell.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Lucky it didn't just slide. Oh, I guess it did, yeah. Crystal Harris, ex fiance of Hefner, went on Stern last week and said she only had intercourse, sexual intercourse with Hef once, that it lasted about two seconds, and that she isn't turned on by him. She later tweeted the Stern interview scared me. He's harsh. He being Stern. I was unprepared and blurted out things I shouldn't have said, Hef said or tweeted. For the record, I have sex on a weekly basis, and I did throughout my two and a half years with Crystal. My sex life involves more than one partner and has since the end of my marriage in 1998.

[Adam Carolla]

He called her a cunt and said he's glad he dropped that load of dust on her head. That's right.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I'm coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like someone put an M80 in a talcum powder bottle.

[Jason Schwartzman]

And then also. And here's my favorite thing he said, there's safety in numbers. When I try to settle down like I did with Crystal, I get burned. I just thought it was interesting that he said something so vulnerable.

[Adam Carolla]

Said it once, said a thousand times, you're Hugh Hefner. You're Hugh fucking Hefner. You were hanging around with, like, Miles Davis and Buddy Rich. Why are you dating these blonde, peroxide blonde whores. Find a fucking cool chick, you know. Find a chick who's like, you know, you know, a little like me, but older. Yeah. Exotic and cool and, you know, like, you know, like sculpting or poetry or something. And I find that some of these fucking ditzy blondes, you know, like Don.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Draper's first girlfriend in Mad Men season.

[Adam Carolla]

One, he's tarnishing his legacy.

[Jason Schwartzman]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

When I say legacy, I mean cock.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, before we bring in Kyle Turley, maybe he's going to like your JJ Stokes analogy.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a solid analogy. You called it weak, but only because it was opposite of yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask. Could you. Go ahead, Bruce. Dr. Bruce.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Please repeat Brian's analogy to him as it pertains to the financial situation we're in.

[Dr. Bruce]

The man with the dropboard over There. Go ahead, rape me with that thing, please. I was lost in the analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Alison, there's one guy with a ball and there's one guy vomiting on himself.

[Brian Bishop]

Well put.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. You're lost too. How does that work?

[Jason Schwartzman]

It just. I don't know. It just does.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That means bad analogy.

[Brian Bishop]

I called you Jerry Rice, man. Some people are Jerry Rice and they're capable of scoring more points. Some guys are jj. So I appreciate it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying if you take the two people with the degrees in the room, they don't. The. You're talking about bad analogy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Sorry.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Well, you know, the thing about analogy.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam is always right.

[Adam Carolla]

I can see him tuning out. Believe me, believe me, I'm playing the odds. I know they don't listen. Sorry. Oh, they heard that. All right, let's take a break.

[Brian Bishop]

By your own snake.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we take a break?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Kyle Turley is here. I followed him very closely on Hard Knocks training camp last year. And one of the worst parts about the whole lockout this year is not the hard Knocks.

[Brian Bishop]

No Hard Knocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fucking brutal.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Just when I was about to start.

[Adam Carolla]

Watching that Hard Knocks on my. You would have loved it. You would have loved it.

[Jason Schwartzman]

I know I've heard that from you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Hard Knocks on my eyeballs. Not having it this year. All right, Bruce, where do we find you beside Redland pulling rebar out of a Mexican.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't know where you find me. Twitter. Anywhere. Dr. Bruce H on whatever Twitter is on.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Universal City Walk on Thursday. Bowling for Soup. Going to come out and do the live podcast with us also Saturday. This coming Saturday, August 6th, House of Blues back at the House of Blues in Vegas. Borderline doing stand up, by the way. Borderline out in Thousand oaks on the 12th. So last two times we went to those two places, they were sold out. And I expect more of that is to come. So grab those tickets early and often. We'll take a break. Kyle Turley next. Yeah. Back with maybe one of the only guys who could kick Toby Keith's ass. Kyle Turley.

[Kyle Turley]

I know a lot of dudes in Nashville that could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Kyle. Kyle. Now to see what I was telling you guys, that Kyle was a big dude, but not a fat dude. He's a big slim dude. Kyle, you look like you go at least six, five, Six, six.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, yeah, six, five.

[Adam Carolla]

And your weight is lighter now than it was when you were playing.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, I was about 50, 60 pounds heavier.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, I was 3, 3, 10 when I was playing ball.

[Adam Carolla]

And so Now I mean, 250 right now. Have you seen a slimmer 250?

[Jason Schwartzman]

What's your secret?

[Kyle Turley]

I. I stopped eating for four.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kyle Turley]

That was my secret.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because a lot of guys doing the booger sugar, please. A lot of guys.

[Kyle Turley]

I got accused of that. I got accused of a lot of things when I just stopped and said, I'm done playing ball and I'm gonna. I had a bad back injury with the Rams. And, you know, people out there were saying a lot of different things because I lost a lot of weight real quick, but I was one of those guys. I grew up here in Southern California, was a surfer skater kid. Didn't play football until my senior year of high school, and then just got in the weight room and just, you know, non stop lifting weights and eating food. I was able to just grow huge. Non stop.

[Adam Carolla]

What, so you started out. Where'd you grow up in Southern California?

[Kyle Turley]

Out in Marino Valley, out in the IE. The old 909 right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm a. One of my 818.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, the A1 in your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. So. So, so you don't play football until your senior year, high school, Right. And no Pop Warner, no anything?

[Kyle Turley]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You just. At some point, you're just such a big dude that the coach says, hey.

[Kyle Turley]

Man, I was a wrestler. I started wrestling when I was in seventh grade, which I think, you know, every kid that should step foot on a football field should have wrestled personally, because it teaches you everything you need to know about body movement, leverage, and when I stepped foot on the football field, my wrestling coach was actually the D line coach. So he just said, go get the guy with the ball. And, you know, from a defensive lineman perspective, it's just a wrestling match and see if you can get by the guy quick enough to get to the ball. So it was really easy for me and natural.

[Adam Carolla]

Where did you play your college ball?

[Kyle Turley]

Went to San Diego State.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Aztec.

[Kyle Turley]

Aztecs.

[Adam Carolla]

And then drafted by the Saints.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What round did you go in?

[Kyle Turley]

First round. I was seventh pick.

[Adam Carolla]

And did they make you into an offensive lineman over at San Diego State?

[Kyle Turley]

They did after my first year because I red shirted and I'd only played one year, high school football. They basically put me on the practice squad my freshman year because they saw how, I guess, you know, much room I had for development, Right. And they wanted to see me at both offensive and defensive lines. So I was on the scout team, you know, Marshall Falk was there still, and I was able to go and be on the scout team on defense against those guys and the number one offense and then go on offense and play against, you know, our number one defense, which helped me, I think, because then I started that next year, I took that job and just kept growing. I was 180 pounds, could bench 190. And as a junior in high school, and I just didn't stop after I saw some progressive gains from working hard. Man, I got up to like, you know, 285, 290 my sophomore year. Coming into that, beat out a senior for the starting job.

[Adam Carolla]

And as far as the pros go, because I, I know you had your.

[Kyle Turley]

That's a lot. I know your moments.

[Jason Schwartzman]

No, no, no, that's. I mean, I, I talk about all the time. Yeah, the Jeopardy. Music is in my.

[Adam Carolla]

You had a couple of moments involving your temper on the field. Got. I don't know if, I don't know if you got a rap. Was it a rap that you got of being a hothead?

[Kyle Turley]

I mean, I guess, you know, in some ways, what was it?

[Adam Carolla]

What was the pro experience like for you and what, what was different about it than you'd expected coming up?

[Kyle Turley]

You know, I, I thought that it was going to be like it was in college and in high school, you know, where you. It wasn't a business, basically. Right. At least it wasn't just when we were students to the, you know, NCAA and the, you know, school systems, that's what they count on to support all their budgets. But got getting to the NFL, that's where it kind of all broke down to me was after the first couple years where I realized, and it just kind of set in that this is a big business, and that kind of took away from the game for me a little bit. So, you know, there was always some frustration with all the different things that you couldn't do and you couldn't say and, you know, you just couldn't play the game a certain way after a little bit of time, you know, oh, we got to change this rule, we got to change that rule. And it's just strapping band aids onto certain problems. And, you know, as a guy who was taught to play football from a guy who, who played it for 17 years in the NFL. My coach in college was Ed White and played for the Vikings and for the Chargers with Dan Fouts and Fran Tarkenton and those guys went to all the Super Bowls with the Vikings. And, you know, you were able to be a football player and play the game the way it was supposed to, and then it just changed all of a sudden. And you just really started to see as the media attention came around and as ESPN grew and all these other, other networks grew, and then satellite TV came out and it became so commercial that it was, it became more entertainment than the game of football. And so, you know, it was tough as, as the injuries piled on to really go along with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Who was the toughest guy you went up against in terms of like the guy, the defensive lineman or maybe even the outside linebacker, where you're like, oh shit, I gotta face this guy all day to day.

[Kyle Turley]

I mean, I played against a lot of great guys, man. I came in into the league in a very unique time. I was a rookie. I mean, my first game in the NFL was Lambeau Field against Reggie White. You know, I mean, I mean, and.

[Adam Carolla]

And then got the last laugh with him. Yeah.

[Kyle Turley]

Oh, that's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

That's bad.

[Kyle Turley]

That's real bad. Yeah, Brian, you know, Michael Strahan was probably the toughest guy. I mean, overall ability as a defensive lineman, you know, he was the toughest competition. You know, I went going against guys like him, Kevin Green, all these others, man, they're just relentless, you know, Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Like two blonde haired guys going at long hair. Too Beach City just going at it. Long blonde hair.

[Kyle Turley]

It was like a wrestling match.

[Adam Carolla]

That was great. I loved Kevin.

[Brian Bishop]

He looked like Hulk Hogan.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, as a. Yeah, yeah, he, as a.

[Kyle Turley]

He still does. He's. He's with the Packers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think he's, he's a coach or linebackers. Yeah, I love that guy. And it was always, as a Rams fan, it was always funny to me when they traded him to the Steelers because Rams were so soft at that time and such a shitty team. And he was the one dude that had a motor in him. And I could see them going, hey, we got to get rid of the troublemaker. The guy who's fired up, the guy who's trying to get sacks. Like the guy who's not sitting there and just taking the San Francisco 49er lead beating. But he's actually like, he was actually a troublemaker and they got rid of him and he went to Pittsburgh and had another, I don't know, six, three, at least three, four good years. And he went to the Panthers and had another few more good years.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, man. I mean, it should be a Hall of Famer. I mean, when his time comes for.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure it'd be nice. And the music, the music is something. And I watching, I guess, hard knocks07, when you were with KC, I saw the Scene where you went into the music room and got the guitar out, played a little flamenco guitar. I do, I do believe music is something that's always been with you.

[Kyle Turley]

Always been with me, man. Growing up surfing as a kid here in Southern California. Took my first trip to Mexico when I was like 14 and got a little guitar for 10 bucks at the border, man. Never put it down. I still have that South. There's no surf in Tijuana.

[Adam Carolla]

Rosarito.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, just south of there. Rosarito. All those old spots that aren't there.

[Adam Carolla]

Anymore, they're not there anymore.

[Kyle Turley]

No. Donald Trump decided to put hotels and half build them and abandon them, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, yeah. You go down there, you go down there and it's Trump World along the Pacific coastline.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we used to just go there. You go through Tijuana, you get past Ensenada and you go down and you just go down to the beach, and you just go down to the beach and then you just put your little pup tent out there, your sleeping bag and your surfboards and your motorcycles, and you just have at it.

[Jason Schwartzman]

My parents would never let me go. People were always going for spring break because they were convinced that somehow I'd get arrested and be thrown in jail and kept there by the federales forever, and then they'd have to pay zillions of dollars to get me out.

[Kyle Turley]

Did they know something that these guys don't about you? Then we would.

[Adam Carolla]

We would buy fireworks. And by the way, you can just keep driving down Baja. Like, just keep going. There was nothing there. We'd buy fireworks and just be sitting in the back of a pickup truck on a cooler, drinking a beer, lighting M80s off a cigarette and throwing it at the truck that was behind us on the caravan. Like, it was just. The good part about Mexico is it was lawless. And the bad part about Mexico is it was lawless. You could do whatever the you wanted, but if something went down, no one really was going to bail you out.

[Kyle Turley]

That's true, man. I mean, I mean, that's still. You know, people pay all this attention to Mexico and mainland Mexico, and they just forget about that, that redheaded stepchild of Mexico, which is the Baja. I mean, there. There's so much going on that is still just. It's cowboy town from the top to the bottom of the Baja peninsula.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know what? We would just roll through there, and we never really thought twice about it. And everyone was, you know, it was like you were. It was like you'd want back 150 years in time like when you'd go into town, dirt roads, it's still that way around.

[Kyle Turley]

It's still that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Man.

[Kyle Turley]

There's some good people down there. You know, most of them are just fishermen and you know, outside of the guys that are running drugs and things like that, I mean, even if you stay out of their way, they're not, they're not, they're not there to be bothering tourists, that's for sure.

[Jason Schwartzman]

That's what I try to tell my parents.

[Kyle Turley]

While you're a girl, you can't, you know, when you, you can't put yourself in that situation. Natalie Holloway or something.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like Mexico has like 11 assholes and then millions of just super cool, laid back people, but the handful of ass wipes just kind of ruin it for everyone else because, yeah, most of the people there just sort of laid back, easy, sort of friendly. The one thing I always liked about Mexico is, is you'd go to those taco stands and get those mini tacos or you'd go down around the Rosarita there and you'd get like the lobsters and the tortillas and the beans and the whole nine yards and they would just keep bringing it. And then at the end they would ask you how many you had, but they wouldn't go. Like, here's what, you wouldn't give them a buck each time they gave you a taco. They just keep giving you tacos and beers and whatever.

[Kyle Turley]

They used to trade Levi's. Really, I could trade Levi's for anything back when I was growing up and because we, I grew up pretty, pretty poor. My dad was a truck driver, my mom was like a school nurse and we had five kids. And so I would get all the clothes that were like hand me downs and everything, and I'd pile them all up and bring all the Levi's and like jackets and things like that. And I take them down there in trash bags with us to this on these surf trips that I go on with my buddies and I trade them for pretty much anything and everything you could want down there for jewelry. I'd come back and be ready for Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

And you surf trip, you'd sleep like, sleep on the beach kind of thing. And how old were you when you started?

[Kyle Turley]

14.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. By the way, I love it when I was going to say different time, but my parents were the same way. Laissez faire is what it is. Like you want to go down to Mexico with your other buddies, try to get drunk, but you'd get the mezcal Tequila. You'd sit at the beach. One of the greatest, one of the greatest moments of my life was Beach Rosarita. That night, head into town, go to a strip club. Tijuana is where all the good strip clubs were. But you know, that's what I heard. You have to go on Revolution Boulevard there. But Rosarita had a couple over there in Ensenada and some drunken guy, could have been Kyle, gets up on stage, gets naked like he's shit faced. He's dancing around naked up on the stage and the chicks are like smacking him in the dick. And this guy's friends are yelling at him. They didn't have that. They would have bands, but it was like a horn that got backed over by a truck and old guy's playing a stand up bass and stuff. Surfer dude gets completely butt naked and stands around shaking his dick around and everything. His friends finally pull him off the stage. The following day we're at the beach and we're just sitting around and, and we hear these guys razzing their buddies, razzing their buddy in front of us. Hey, man, you made an ass yourself up there. Dance around. Everyone saw your cock, blah, blah, blah. And the guy was like, who cares? It's Mexico. Nobody knows me. No one saw. You don't know anyone who saw that? Couple of Mexican whores. Who are they going to tell? And we all just went. We could not. We went down the beach and like circled around and all four of us went, hey, hey, it's that guy shaking his dick. We saw you last night, dude. You were awesome, man. Everyone's talking about it. And his buddies went like, oh my God, this is the greatest thing ever. They just completely dogpiled on. But it was one of those moments where we overheard it and we could never.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Opportunity could not be squandered.

[Kyle Turley]

That's hilarious.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Was it you?

[Adam Carolla]

Was it you, Kyle?

[Kyle Turley]

Pre tattoos?

[Adam Carolla]

It could have been, could have been, could have been. So how many guys would you go down there with that?

[Kyle Turley]

You know, sometimes we go down. When I was at San Diego State, we'd go down for spring break every now and then with, you know, some of the football guys and whatever, and I'd get a little rowdy, but I was mostly on surf trips, man, you know, me and a few buddies and we'd go and try and scout out all these different spots we'd heard about through the grapevine. It wasn't like it was or like it is today with all the, you know, surfline.com and all this. And you can track swells. It was a whole, you know, experience. You were going to go with your bros, and no matter if it was 2 foot or 10 foot, you were going and.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was kind of fun because you'd have that point where you were driving along the dirt road, and at some point you'd peek over the crest and you'd see the ocean and you'd go, oh, my God, surf's up. Like, you wouldn't know if it was going to be flat. You wouldn't know if it was going to be. It was just like, I, we will go see. I feel like that's missing in life.

[Kyle Turley]

It is, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That part where you go, so we're going down there, and it could be glassy and there could be nothing, and we could be messing around with skim boards the whole time and just getting drunk. Or it could just be overhead, and it could be just pumping and it could be awesome. But you don't know before you get there, and you have to go there to find out.

[Jason Schwartzman]

No, now you just experience it on your iPhone. Oh, there's horrendous weather and you don't even. You haven't even been outside to see it.

[Kyle Turley]

Well, that's what your analogy should have been. Your comeback to what he. What he said about Brian with the football, the Jerry Rice comment. It should have been that instead of J.J. stokes, your comeback should have been that it was like Randy Moss. Here's this guy that's fully capable and, you know, able to go and push it to see that thing on the other horizon that we call, you know, America and all these great things that it should be about. But you got these people that aren't willing to do it, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you don't have that.

[Kyle Turley]

It shouldn't have been J.J. stokes. It should have been Randy Moss.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Kyle, when you were on the Rams, you had Marshall Falk, who was his backup.

[Kyle Turley]

Marshall's backup. Well, they drafted Steven Jackson right before that.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you remember that?

[Kyle Turley]

No, they drafted Stephen Jackson that year, I believe. No, they had the.

[Adam Carolla]

They had the guy from Oklahoma that was a. Not Oklahoma. Well, they had the guy who didn't play too much. They had the guy who's the guy who was the head case.

[Brian Bishop]

Lawrence Phillips.

[Adam Carolla]

Lawrence Phillips. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's my point. Does Mark and Mart say, to win this game, we're gonna have to give the ball to equally to everybody? Lawrence. Or is it name it Smith, Marshall, Falk, Lawrence Phillips. You guys are gonna carry the ball equally. That's only where we're Gonna win this game or Marshall Faulk, you're far better than Lawrence Phillips. You're gonna get the ball far more. Lawrence Phillips may sit the ball once, maybe twice, to spell him, but that's how we're going to win this game.

[Kyle Turley]

Well, more shitty analogies. Instead, what really happened was that we're in double overtime with the Carolina Panthers and we're driving down and we have ample time, and we're owning their defensive line full of Julius Peppers and Jenkins and all these guys. Who are these? All pro cats. And we're mowing them down. Mean Orlando Pace, Adam Timmerman, all these guys. And we're continuing to just drive down the field. Isaac Bruce, Tori Holt, Bam, bam, bam, bam. The whole team is riding, riding, and we get down past the 40 and Mike Martz decides to pull the reins and says, we're going to make this field goal. I don't want to take any chances.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, and you don't.

[Kyle Turley]

And instead we miss the field goal, go into. Into. So that was overtime. Go into double overtime, and we end up losing the fucking game because he decided to rely on one dude's fucking leg to get us there when we could have all seen over the hill, the peak and the valleys, to the promised land and won that game and not had to fucking sat around blaming each other and pointing fingers when we didn't make it to the next round of the playoffs to beat the Philadelphia Eagles and go to the fucking Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. Is that the one where they scored a touchdown in overtime on a missed tackle, sort of. By what's his name? What else? That white DB from Arizona?

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, he got a bad rap, man. You know, I mean, that was Marx's deal, man. He screwed us, right? We had a moment, some minute on the clock, and we were just going bam, bam, down the field, down the field. Then he just decided, I'm going to give it to Marshall Falk and I'm going to hand it to him. And we're going to run off tackle and we're going to run inside zone and we're just going to play it safe. And then we're going to position ourselves in the right pocket so that we can kick this field goal and go into overtime.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it.

[Kyle Turley]

Instead of go to for the win.

[Adam Carolla]

The Rams are pretty, as an organization, as an old, as a diehard Rams fan, always pretty famous for doing that thing where they go into sort of the prevent nickel package, defense, and end up giving up the score because they don't want to give up the Score that thing where. It's the kind of thing Belichick would never do. Belichick is a finisher. He's like a UFC guy. He just kicked you in the side of the head and you went down. And Mike Martz and the Rams are like the guys who are standing there stunned. What should I do? Well, don't go down. I might break my hand on his head. Where's Belichick? Will dive on your fucking ass and just start throwing punches until somebody pulls you off.

[Kyle Turley]

Because he don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Kyle Turley]

Because all he cares about is winning. And the rest of these guys, all they care about is their job and not.

[Adam Carolla]

There's not losing.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk a little music. So the name of the album, which is out when, by the way, Kyle.

[Kyle Turley]

We'Re going to be putting this album out on this tour that we're going to be starting out on. 1st of September 8th is the first game of the NFL season up in Green Bay. We are going to be doing a tour called the Gridiron Tailgate Tour. It's in support of the Gridiron Greats organization that I sit on the board with with Mike Ditka and Gail Sayers and some other hall of Famers that supports dire need assistance to retired football players financially and medically. We've actually provided the almost an equal amount of what is being gloated about in the press by the Players association and the NFL through our grassroots fund fundraising efforts. And so I'm heading out doing this Tailgate Tour in support of, you know, my fellow retirees. And we're starting September 8th. That's when the album's going be out. It's going to be out with us on tour and available online.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it should be called.

[Kyle Turley]

That's not going to be. What.

[Adam Carolla]

What.

[Kyle Turley]

What it's going to be. I don't know how to put that one now. That's an old one. We've moved up to the Prevost now.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what your tour should be called? Look how thin I am. And look how fat you guys all got.

[Kyle Turley]

That's part of it, man. You know, and. And there's a. There's a lot of reasons, you know, a lot of fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen a lot of. I've seen a lot of stuff. I mean, a lot of those inside sports and all that stuff where these guys retire and they got a bad knee and they can't exercise and they're still eating like they were playing in the NFL. And next thing you know, they're 430 pounds and they're dying in their early 40s, late 30s. I mean, it's really tragic. Nobody makes that. We're not outraged enough by it and the head trauma stuff as well, but they're really. When you got a guy who's putting down those kinds of calories at the training table and doing 2A days and then all of a sudden he's just out and like I said, his hips bad or his back's bad, he can't move, like, of course that guy's going to balloon up, especially when he's used to walking around at 325. I mean, for the love of Christ. You think the NFL would get a little more involved with that?

[Kyle Turley]

You think they would, man, you know, but they don't, unfortunately. You know, when you leave the NFL, you know, it's a business and, but unlike any other business, you don't leave. And a human resource person sits you down. You know, you're not talking about working at some pop mom and pop shop down the street, talking about working for one of the largest corporations in the world. And when you work for a company like that, every other job you get, you know, sat down by human resource person and, you know, structured through how to go through your, your disability file for this file for that we're gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, they don't do any financial stuff. They don't do anything.

[Kyle Turley]

You're, you're lucky if you get a box with your pads and your helmet and they see on your way and you got to try and figure it out on your own because you're not making money for your agent no more.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's one of those things where you.

[Kyle Turley]

Have a guy who, and not everybody made millions, man. No, I mean, that's the reality.

[Adam Carolla]

Some made billions. That's true.

[Kyle Turley]

Peyton Manning, he's on his way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, you have guys that are retiring, you know, average age. I mean, the time you get out of the league, 25 and a half. I mean, it's, you know, it's three and a half years. That's, you know, most guys don't have 11, 12 years like Kyle or 10 years like Kyle. 11 years ago, technically nine.

[Kyle Turley]

They screwed me on a year because of injury.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, most guys have a three and a half, four year career. But let's just say you're 30 and you retire. Now you're retiring, you're 30 years of age. Maybe you were making several hundred thousand dollars or a few million dollars a year. Those days are behind you.

[Jason Schwartzman]

And you don't have the skills to know how to do 30.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing? And by the way, you come from a family of 11, you know, and they're not all financial planners. Maybe only seven of them are.

[Kyle Turley]

Just by chance, you might fall into the retirement class of the worst economic downfall since the Great Depression.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Kyle Turley]

So it doesn't really matter how much money you fucking made.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you get out of there with your money?

[Kyle Turley]

I got out of there with some money, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good, some money.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, man. You know, I mean, everything collapsed. And I was heavily into real estate. You know, I put it. I put it where I thought it was safe.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know, I mean, I feel you.

[Kyle Turley]

You know, you ain't no man if you don't own land. And it came back to bite me in the ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Better sell some Levi's.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kyle Turley]

And now where would you talk to Warren Buffett?

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Kyle Turley]

He backed out all his mortgage companies that he bought up.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you make. Would you have made the most money if you just stayed with one team, or do you feel like you made more money going to other teams?

[Kyle Turley]

It was never about that for me. You know, it was about being around something that meant something. Well, you know, I mean, when I was in New Orleans, we had something pretty special down there. You know, we had guys. We had Willie Roaf on our offensive line and Jerry Fonda, Chris Nayoli and Wally Williams. I mean, we were just stellar. And every one of us could have and should have stayed. Stayed together, you know, by all means, in. In the contracts and how they could have worked out over the cap room and the whole deal. And they just started to dismantle the team left and right here and there, and they never tried to really keep it together like they used to do in the old days.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, obviously, so you grew up. I mean, you just take, like, the infield of the Dodgers. You know, it's like you had Garvey and Lopes and say and Russell, and there's, like, Jaeger behind the plate, and it seemed like you'd spent. It seemed like. Like that's who was playing for the Dodgers when I was in the fifth grade. And then when I got out of high school, they were still playing. That was still the infield. And teams were that way. You'd had this quarterback, this receiver, these guys, they're always there.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Just not take that much out of you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it does not.

[Kyle Turley]

It does not.

[Adam Carolla]

Does not. Kyle, if he chose baseball, he wouldn't.

[Kyle Turley]

Be here right now playing Baseball right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, you know these guys. First off, it's one of the few sports you can just be fat and out of shape and just still be playing. Like some of these pitchers from, like, the Dominican Republicans that are like, morbidly obese. Like, there's not. They're choke. There's not enough choker material to get around that fat neck of theirs.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what it's for. It's like a ducks thing. It prevents their meeting more.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Not exactly. I see. Or at least putting on they foie gras themselves, otherwise forces them to chew before they swallow. Otherwise they just throw, start dumping the food in.

[Jason Schwartzman]

It's like a lap band for their neck.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when the guy's got his shirt untucked and he's, like, laboring out there and he's, like, sweating. Yeah. I mean, look at this guy for the goddamn Mariner.

[Kyle Turley]

Michelle Obama doesn't need to target McDonald's and soft drinks. She needs to go target Major League Baseball.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Go find the mound. All right, so Kyle, like I said, is gonna be out playing with his band. His band going to consist of who? Do you have anyone we've heard of, man?

[Kyle Turley]

I got some good cats, man, around me. I got my guy, Big Rob, he's my bass player, and he's been around for a long time in Nashville playing a bunch of bands. And we just got on a killer drummer. Dave Kennedy, he played in a band back in the day called Walk the West and some others that you may have heard of. And guy that's been playing with us, man, and we hope he sticks around, is a guy named Joe Garcia. It's played with Seal and all these others. So I got a great band around me, but I write all my stuff and we kind of just collaborate and put it all together.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a football plan? I know there is, as it pertains to the music, but is there a color commentary? I mean, people know who you are. You were known for your personality. When you're playing, you have a good look. You can string a sentence together. We talking about put you on a show, give you a microphone, put you up in the booth or, you know, NFL Network or any of that.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, I mean, I did some stuff with the best damn sports show back in the day with Sal. And it was fun, you know, but a lot of that was just jumping into kind of the same mess I used to be in, as you know. You know, when you. When you're tied to the men and I'm. I'M out there, a free spirit now, trying to make me on that longboard.

[Adam Carolla]

And Rosarita strumming that guitar.

[Kyle Turley]

You know it, man.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, people would. You would surf naked, or you could surf naked. It was that desolate. Yeah. And I need to know, was there.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Horrendous diarrhea in Mexico?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I never got. I never got. I never got sick once. Never once. All right, should we do a little more news? Kyle can sit in. And now the rest of the news with Alison Rosen.

[Jason Schwartzman]

World population is expected to breach 7 billion this year. More than twice the number of people on Earth.

[Adam Carolla]

Just, you know, at least 5 billion of them are assholes, too.

[Jason Schwartzman]

You think just 5 billion billion feel like more than 5 billion are assholes?

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah, you're right. Okay, so it's gonna breach at least shitty drivers.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

At least 6.9 billion are horrifically bad drivers.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Mm. And there are people that say, I apologize. And they don't really apologize. They're insincere with their apologies.

[Adam Carolla]

That's at least 6 billion.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yeah. So it's expected to breach 7 billion, which is more than twice the number of people who were on Earth just 50 years ago. According to projections by the United nations, world population is expected to exceed 9 billion by 2050 and 10.1 billion by 2100.

[Adam Carolla]

Does anyone want to address this? I mean, that's. That's been my. I've been beating this drum for at least 14 years where I've been saying.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Do you have thoughts on this?

[Adam Carolla]

Can we thin out the herd a little bit? Like, I know your problems. You know, we have a problem.

[Kyle Turley]

I just got a vasectomy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Did you really?

[Kyle Turley]

Help? Thin it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Prove it.

[Kyle Turley]

Prove it.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Try to impregnate me.

[Theresa Strasser]

Go at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Go at it with Allison right now.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Sooner than that, actually.

[Kyle Turley]

Recent enough that I haven't had my follow up, so I can't. I'm sorry. And. And, you know.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Well, you still can.

[Adam Carolla]

They always say that. They always say the first one after the vasectomy is awesome. But first off, it's not like I've ever had a bad orgasm, you know? I've never had it. Never had a three. They're always at least a seven. You know what I mean? It's not like I had an orgasm. Went, eh, eh. That's enough of that.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Are you ever like, did I have one? Yeah, you never wonder, aren't they all kind. Isn't it kind of standard for guys? Aren't they all awesome?

[Adam Carolla]

Ish. They're all they're sort of like corn dogs, you know, they're all fucking strong.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Do you ever have like a veggie corn dog?

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, ugh, never had a fried corn dog. I never had some. Better.

[Jason Schwartzman]

No, I'm saying I had any orgasms like a veggie corn dog?

[Adam Carolla]

Once in a while. Once in a while you feel like, ah, man, that was a gyp. But don't worry, you get them the next time. What makes them gypsy, you know what I mean? I can't explain it, but, you know, there's. There's. It's kind of like once in a while you get a mealy nectarine, you know, it's not as good as the one that came before it or the one that's coming after it, but you're.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Still going to try for another.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Kyle, do you have kids?

[Kyle Turley]

I do. I have three.

[Adam Carolla]

You have three. So you had the vasectomy, right?

[Kyle Turley]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they want to know whether you had kids before they gave you the vasectomy?

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, I believe it came up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. My feeling is, whatever the problems that we have as a society or world, whenever they, you know, you watch a little late night TV and have the guy on there going, you know, there's children that don't have medical avail themselves of medical help or they don't have shoes, or there's poverty or there's hunger, there's abuse. Yeah, it's all just kids. There's too many. There's too many people. It's pretty simple equation.

[Jason Schwartzman]

See, the problem is people like Kyle are getting vasectomies, not the dumb shits.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's right. The guys who ride the longboards and eat the fish tacos are getting the vasectomy.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Who will play bongos in the future?

[Adam Carolla]

That's, that's my point. I'm saying we, we have to start thinning the fucking herd and somebody's got to say something about it.

[Kyle Turley]

Does anybody know if that's ever recommended to, you know, people like Octomom or, you know, other ladies or people that go to like, Planned Parenthoods and things.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that need this? Listen, we don't tell anybody their business. All we do is keep dropping off sacks of grain so they can get enough energy to fuck more and crap out more kids and exacerbate the problem. We need to cut them off the fucking grain or we need to start lacing the grain with something that renders them sterile because we're gonna fuck, literally fuck ourselves out of this world.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Couldn't we just drop A bunch of condoms on them.

[Adam Carolla]

They would be.

[Kyle Turley]

They tried that.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't use them.

[Kyle Turley]

Have you ever used a condom?

[Jason Schwartzman]

No. What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, not everyone's been whoring in Tijuana.

[Kyle Turley]

Why do you think I got a vasectomy? Unless a man put his scalpel to my nut sack.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kyle Turley]

Yes. Yeah, I chose to be awake. I was, you know, whatever. I didn't want to have my wife take me down there. Like, all these other dudes are sitting in the waiting room and they. They got their wife and they bring their wife because they're going in to get knocked out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they gotta drive them home.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Turley]

I didn't want to be the, you know, and have. Be walking out there like Johnny Dangerously, you know, and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kyle Turley]

I've gotta have my wife take me home.

[Adam Carolla]

So, like, what kind of people reference Johnny Dangerously referenced? Digging deep? Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Kind of like, how did you walk out? Do they just put a little band aid on or is it like a full.

[Kyle Turley]

You're numb when you walk out. No, you're numb when you walk out. It's like the dentist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kyle Turley]

Because it's, you know, they got to numb it so they can go in there and do all that. It's right, you know, Medieval times, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Get this, you get the shot to the sack.

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, you got to take that. But I got a bunch of ink and, you know, you're used to it, hurtful places. So I just laid back and thought I was getting a tattoo.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Do you have ball tats?

[Kyle Turley]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No laser.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Well, you maybe should have gotten them while he was already numbed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he had the ram horns back there in the day, but after he got traded, the Chiefs, those had to come off, so out came the laser.

[Jason Schwartzman]

So AskMen.com has published their big survey where they ask men all sorts of questions, and I have chosen five of the many.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Ask Men magazine. That is awesome.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Ask Men. Okay, one of the questions is, would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat? 53% said no. 47% are liars.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Became fat.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Yeah. So you start going out with her.

[Adam Carolla]

She.

[Jason Schwartzman]

She's felt, she balloons up much like a retired football player. Not Kyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Would you then dump her? 53% said they would not dump her. Oh, no, I'm sorry. 53% are liars. 47% said they would dump her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. Most times when you're dating and just dating, there's a sort of yearly evaluation where you go, did I get a raise and lose some weight? And did she get shit Canned and put on £20. And then they sort of do the math.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Here's what I want to know. What about marital weight gain? Like do you feel like when you take the vows that's like for fatter or thinner?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do. I like the couple that had the tacit agreement to both get fat at the same rate. Like you see that couple, they've been married for 12 years and they both put on £7 a year for the last 12 years. And they're both, you know, stretching out the fanny pack to its maximum capacity. Had they add a leaf to the fanny pack and everything. But you're looking at them and you go, I think they both sort of decided like again, it was, they gave up together. It wasn't in writing, it was just a sort of knowing nod of I'll have a second helping of Mac and cheese. How about you, sweetheart?

[Jason Schwartzman]

Well, see that's the problem is that when you're in love it is very easy to just eat together and give up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm telling you, the problem is the kids because the shit just starts flowing. The fridge fills up with all kinds of bullshit and you got to stare at it. The bachelor days. It's easy to stay in shape. Ketchup and beer do not bring it home. Right.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Do your kids eat crap that you find tempting?

[Kyle Turley]

No, but I'm actually pretty fortunate though. My kid like refuses bad stuff and eats like broccoli and like chicken and it's pretty weird. So. But I was always a pretty health conscious guy. I wasn't like this huge 310 pound guy. I put it on right. You know, I didn't want to do steroids so I made sure very strict diet that I was on all the time. So you know, just stopped eating for four. That was pretty much why I lost the weight.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kyle Turley]

Yeah, it's all in the home and what you do. I mean nutrition is a habit. You learn and gain good habits and bad habits.

[Jason Schwartzman]

The more you know, the more you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, last.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Well, another question.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus.

[Jason Schwartzman]

How important is it to you what other people think of your car? 46% said I don't really care what people think of my car. 37% said I am aware of how people perceive my car and don't want to be embarrassed by it. 17% said I value how people perceive my car and want them to be impressed by it. Do you care what people think of your car? Zone?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you the problem with the car and it's like it's one of these things where if you're anonymous, then nobody really gives a shit. There's two things when you go out and you drive your car. Essentially, there's two ways people decide whether you're successful or not. They look at your car or they look at your watch. You know, you essentially have to have some piece of something that represents, am I doing well, am I successful? I mean, a Super bowl ring would be nice.

[Jason Schwartzman]

What about a little monopoly man moneybag?

[Adam Carolla]

Just something that lets you know. And your car is a sort of, you know, rolling manifestation of, like, how you're doing with your life. And I've had plenty of times. When I first got started in show business, I just drove a Nissan Maxima. I was like, it's enough car for me. It's all you need. Nice V6 in there. And everyone's like, what are you doing in that thing? I was like, that's fine. It works great. You know? I was like, yeah, but you should be driving a BMW. It's like, I don't care. I didn't care. And now it's a kind of thing where I think what you should do with a car is you should go sort of that Mark Cuban route in that everyone can drive a Prius now and no one knows. I mean, Leonardo DiCaprio drives a Prius. And a secretary that makes $37,000 a year drives a Prius. One's multimillionaire, the other makes under 40 a year. They both drive the exact same car. That did not happen in the 30s, I can. I can promise you that, in a Ford. So we're now living in a time when you can drive anything you want. And it's kind of cool to slum it a little. See, if Kyle pulled up in a beater old VW bus that he used to go surfing in, everyone would just think he was rich and thinking he wouldn't be judged on it, you know? You know what I'm saying? No, what you're saying is it's important.

[Jason Schwartzman]

To be rich, and then you can drive whatever you want.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're Mark Cuban, you can dress like a slob. What's he doing? Wears T shirts and cargo shorts and flip flops everywhere. But then he takes a G4 or whatever he takes to go out of town. And that's the whole thing. It's that sort of under. See, if I was a dude and I was trying to get laid and I was making 40 grand a year, now, instead of buying the best car my 40 grand would buy, I'd buy a beater. Dress kind of like a slob and have the chicks think I was rich. Dressing down like I was doing the cool, rich guy, undercover, slumming it thing. Like, oh, he's driving that old Dodge Dart. You know, he could be driving up, driving it ironically. Ironically. Yeah, ironically.

[Kyle Turley]

It's all about your strut, man. That's all it is.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kyle Turley]

When you get out of that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're walking, strut.

[Kyle Turley]

And when you're walking, I got a minivan out here, you know, and I don't. I don't feel intimidated. I got two kids and a wife, but I know when I get out the car and I'm walking down the street, I don't give a f. So it's the swagger.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't care. But he cares a ton that you care about him not caring, but he doesn't even care about that dude.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Plays it off like he doesn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Kyle Turley]

Because, you know, that's what girls actually really like.

[Adam Carolla]

They like not caring.

[Kyle Turley]

They like the guy that just doesn't give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know.

[Jason Schwartzman]

It's very attractive.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, Kyle. You know what I have to say to that? Who cares? I'm not thinking about what else you.

[Jason Schwartzman]

Guys have to not care.

[Kyle Turley]

I don't care what else you got on there.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even care about you guys. Don't even care about us caring about me not caring. I don't care enough to continue this podcast. How about that? Hot.

[Jason Schwartzman]

That is so hot.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Let me talk about one of our sponsors. You know what? Fuck it. I'm tired, all right? You should care about Go to my PC. That's right. That's what you need, Kyle. When you're traveling, when you're on the bus, when you're making the rounds. Mobility, baby. It's key. And that's why I recommend Go to My PC, brought to you by Citrix. Work from anywhere. Get hold of your home computer, your work computer. Break into. Hack into Dick Vermeil's computer. Securely access your office, your computer from your office or anywhere else. Your Mac, your PC, right from your iPad. Easy to get started. Sets up in just minutes. Go to my PC free. That's right, 45 days free. Download the app from the App store, then visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Tried free button and enter the promo code Adam. And that's how you know you're going to get it for free and for sure. Album is out. What? When is album coming out?

[Kyle Turley]

The album is going to be coming out September 8th. But it's my sophomore record, my first records out right now. It's called anger management. I've had it out for about a year and a half now.

[Adam Carolla]

And death drugs. And death drugs.

[Kyle Turley]

And the Double cross is going to be out this fall on my football season tour, the Gridiron Tailgate Tour.

[Adam Carolla]

Kyle Turley. Kyle Turley.com you can Twitter him at Kyle Turley. Follow him. And Kyle, come back anytime you like, my brother. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for ball. Bryan and Allison Rosen, of course, Kyle Turley saying mahalo. You know, we have a proud.

[Kyle Turley]

I just got a vasectomy.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, That's Adam Kulisho, 6:23.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming for our final clip today, we have adam Carillo Show 1594.

[Brian Bishop]

This one's featuring Adam Scott, Jason Schwarzman, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop from 2015.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina Grad.

[Gina Grad]

Good day to you.

[Adam Carolla]

And Baldbrine, don't just start eating like you got nine rectums.

[Brian Bishop]

Good advice from Lisa Lampanelli.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So much to get to Adam Scott, Jason Schwartzman coming in here. A couple of fine actors watched their movie. I enjoyed it very much. And it was all entire movie was shot in my house.

[Brian Bishop]

Crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was one of those movies where it wasn't like, well, there's a couple of scenes that were shot in the house. The movie took place in the house. The house was sort of one of the characters of the movie because it's only four people. And geez, at last count, I was trying to. They shot in the kids room. They shot. It's funny because they sent us over Vimeo and my wife and I watched it. And then at some point, she wanted to show the kids, hey, look, movie shot in your house. There's your bedroom, the room they grew up in.

[Brian Bishop]

But this is not a movie for kids, though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You fast forward too fast, you get to Schwartzman's cock. So you got to be careful where you stop. One of those things.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, pretty careful.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty, pretty careful.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm psyched for these guys. I like both of these guys.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, this is pretty exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

They're both really good. All right, so we'll have them in in a couple of few. Let's see. First off, just so you guys can all get depressed for me, my schedule today, which will be Monday. As you hear this, Matt, let's review today's schedule for moi. Sure thing, assistant Matt. The porcelain punisher. By the way, you are going to lovely Orange, California, which is a solid 55 miles from your house or catch a contractor while you're driving there.

[Brian Bishop]

Call time for that?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get to it. Oh, jump the schedule out there.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

First we've got back to back phoners. 7:30am, 7:45am then your call time is 8:00am on the set. You'll be doing a walkthrough with homeowners, the contractor starting demo wrapping. At 4:30 you get back in your car, have another set of phone calls. These are print phoners and also a new client call. What are we plugging in these phone calls? Well, we've got a bunch of different projects.

[Brian Bishop]

You got your new book Daddy Stop Talking available now.

[Adam Carolla]

Click through Amazon.com we also have of course Paul Newman winning the Racing Life. Paul Newman. Alright, so we're talking that up. So back in the car at 4:30.

[Gina Grad]

And you love print phoners.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are the best ones because they can run even longer. Yes. And they don't talk. In the evening we have a 5:30 show.

[Brian Bishop]

I do believe there's going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

A fun to anything backer walking around, chat with them for a little bit while you're on break and then after the show's over in your car, one more print phoner for your drive home at 7:20. Yeah. All right. And then what time would the call time be for Tuesday? That's gonna. Where shall I be? 8am in Torrance, which is 35 miles from your house. All right, there we go.

[Gina Grad]

He's not like job.

[Adam Carolla]

People say all the time they think I'm kidding. When they go, oh, when do you have enough money? I go, when I can live the life that my kids and wife and dog lead. That's when I'll have enough money. I can't. I don't do that. I don't have next and near that life.

[Brian Bishop]

What a dream come true for this road. Hard backers coming in. He's gonna get the rested, energetic eye, bushy tail.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that's good about going to these cesspools that I have to go to is, is I get to look around and soak in some of the local color and realize that as I think we were talking before, not only is Martin Luther King the worst boulevard in every city, but also Cesar Chavez is the second biggest piece of shit boulevard in a city. Someone's just got to rip these things up and move them down to like at least Beverly Hills adjacent.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Beverly Wood. Yeah. You got to have some.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing this neighborhood, I was trying to get home from Torrance at 5:00 on Friday, which is Torrance isn't that bad. It's past the airport. I mean, yeah, 5:00 on Friday in LA you can't get your fucking mailbox.

[Gina Grad]

Right before the South Bay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's pretty far south, getting from there to LA Canada. Yeah, Torrance to where you live.

[Gina Grad]

Actually, Culver City.

[Adam Carolla]

No big, no big whoop. Everyone does their own home math on everyone else's math. Yes, but I live in Montana. No, I know, it's just right next door.

[Brian Bishop]

No, wait, no, it's quite far for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's hard. So Waze will have you hop on the 110, then just hop off, drive through people's living rooms and stuff through back alleys, and next thing you know you're on Cesar Chavez Boulevard going, wow, does this fucking suck. And by the way, if you're Cesar Chavez, feel free to pull my name off this super crime ridden, graffiti laden, gum laced piece of shit you call for street.

[Brian Bishop]

All he wanted was a better life for his people.

[Adam Carolla]

Irony. Yeah, and by the way, my kids are gonna be like Cesar Chavez. Oh, you mean the guy with the shitty street.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, the guy with the bad house.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy invented the shitty street. The guy with.

[Brian Bishop]

The guy, that's his legacy, invented shitty streets.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, with the shopping carts with no wheels. What an asshole. And by the way, way till I get my hands on that Martin Luther fucking King guy, he's the second shittiest street.

[Brian Bishop]

His work with cars on blocks is unparalleled.

[Adam Carolla]

So I got that going for me. Somebody tweeted me that, I don't know, one of the. I think Dale Earnhardt Jr's driving to NASCAR with passion fruit flavored tea on it today, which ruined me dark days. So we got that working for us.

[Brian Bishop]

I know nothing about orange. California. Is orange nice? Is orange bad?

[Gina Grad]

I thought it was a quaint little suburb, but I'm starting to get the feeling that it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing about LA is you pick an epicenter. To me, the epicenter has always been, for some reason, the most convenient place in Los Angeles is Sherman Oaks. If you live in Sherman Oaks, you're within striking distance of Hollywood, Pasadena, downtown, the airport. It's not Burbank Airport, not the best place. It's the middle.

[Brian Bishop]

It's pick your poison because you're not going to get LAX or Long beach or any of those places. But if you have to be in.

[Gina Grad]

A place, well, no, it's convenient for all poisons.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Convenient for all poisons. What I'm saying is, if you want to live in the Palisades, that's great. Or Malibu, that's great. But good luck if you have a job in Burbank on a lot or working for Warner Brothers or something like that. You just. The, The. The. The. Basically, Sherman Oaks is like the center fielder who doesn't know how the new guy can swing the bat.

[Brian Bishop]

No scouting report on the road?

[Adam Carolla]

No. So he'll. He's going to kind of play the middle. He's not going to have his weight shifted back or shifted forward. It's not really. It's fish nor foul, but you can get everywhere if you have to.

[Brian Bishop]

He's playing straight up. He might shade the lefty, but he's not gonna commit to the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I've experienced a lot of humiliation over my life, but one piece of humiliation I've never suffered. And I'm happy to say, and I'm.

[Brian Bishop]

Talking to guys, everything you say comes true.

[Adam Carolla]

So careful what you say. I've had human feces put into my ear during the daylight and school hours, but I've never had this. And who amongst us has had this? Let's be honest here, Max. Pat, a little short in stature. Gary, you may have had this. The softball game, maybe. The company softball game. Maybe it's a frat on frat thing. Whatever it is, it's the stranger softball. Sometimes it's a pickup thing at the park or whatever. And guy who, medium to well built, gets up there, stands at the plate, outfielder, sees the size of the guy's forearms, takes a couple of steps back, gets into position. Guy takes one swing, sort of chopping a foul ball off. And everyone takes 10 steps forward just. Just by the one swing. We can tell ain't no pop in that bat. Just. Just with the scouting report is literally one swing. Now, it doesn't matter whether you miss the ball, foul it off. It's not about what happened. It's the swing. There's the version of it where you take a few steps back. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's also the version where you drop your mitt and start walking forward. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Pre tumor, I never suffered that indignity. But since my physical skills are a bit diminished. So, yes, I have suffered that indignity at a softball game.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you a pass because of the tumor.

[Brian Bishop]

You know our secret? In college, we had a guy on our team. Our secret weapon was a guy named Richard. And Richard was, is and was. He's a good friend Still a spectacular nerd. He would show up for the softball games in jean shorts, like Jesus sandals, you know, flip flop kind of thing, the leather sandals, a wristwatch, like a silver wristwatch, glasses, a button down shirt. Because he just come from class and he's a nerd. He's like Ned Flanders in the sense that when Ned Flanders takes his shirt off, he's a fucking Greek Adonis, right? Richard would get up there and everyone would start creeping in because he dressed like a super nerd with the jean shorts and he'd fucking rip one 250ft over their head. It was incredible. That was our secret weapon. And it worked out to our benefit that, you know, people that creeped in underestimated him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, actually, if you ever get in that situation, it would behoove you. You're only going to get one shot at a first impression and a first bad impression with a bat. If you're ever in that situation. Take a bad swing, throw a couple of. Take a bad. No, just take a bad swing. First cut, bad swing and be late. Because the outfield will also shift the other direction if you're late on it. If you're real late on it and you give a real bad swing, they'll move up, they'll shift the wrong direction. Next one, you can crank it out. Okay. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Good strategy. Athletic nerds.

[Adam Carolla]

I was. I finally got some of my old TiVo. You know, I have three or four TiVos gathered up from over the years and we're talking about transferring them. Because what happens is I say, oh, let's pull up that Letterman appearance. And Gary says, it doesn't exist. Well, it's on my TiVo.

[Brian Bishop]

Somewhere exists somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we started grabbing them and throwing them, ripping them and getting them on. Lynette started ripping them and putting them on the kaleidoscope, the big computer, whatever. And I watched my second Letterman appearance, which I hadn't seen since. However long the fucking thing's been unplugged at least. And it's been at least seven, eight years late.

[Brian Bishop]

90S. What are we talking here? First one was probably around the level.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. This was like. This wasn't that long ago. I took a long time off in between. This would have been like 2004, five or something like that. As I. As I recall, I can look it up, but either way it just reminded me because I was watching the James Brown story on HBO or whatever. The movie the other night. The movie. Get on up. Sorry. Get on up. Sorry. I. So I Told you the first time I did it, James Brown was the musical guest. Second time. I have no here, basically, here's how my memory works. I've done Letterman two times in my life. If you put a gun underneath my chin and said who was the musical act? The second time you did Letterman? I would have no idea. I was also surprised to find out that I went on first, which was a weird thing that I didn't remember either. Sort of a weird selective low self esteem memory. But Ricky Martin was the. Was the musical act.

[Gina Grad]

That's quite a bill.

[Adam Carolla]

The second time. Yeah. And Larry Brown, the basketball coach, just onto the new. The. The Knicks, I think at that point.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, yeah, he coached. Coached a dozen teams.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. He'd move on every. Every other year, but I think he was starting with the Knicks. I think that's why he was. He was on and probably why I was on first. Just a little piece of Corolla trivia.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, you should put those on your YouTube page. I'm sure people would love to see those old. Because they probably don't exist out in the YouTube world. Get. RIP them and have one of the techie guys put it on the YouTube page.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell Matt to put that in the schedule tomorrow. I'll just jump on the YouTube page tomorrow and on my way into your. Belinda, we'll look into it.

[Brian Bishop]

There may be some rights issues. God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

The show doesn't exist anymore, I'll tell you. That's a good point. On it, baby. Dumped some of the oil, by the way, the MCT oil. Put it in my coffee this morning. It's actually an interesting thing. The MCT oil, the stuff that Drew loves and I love it as well. It's pure coconut oil. It's a nice canary in the coal mine of your refrigerator, which is this. If you pull it out in the morning and it's solid, like it just won't come out, you can't squeeze it out. Your fridge is too cold or it's.

[Brian Bishop]

Too close to the ice maker or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

If you. No, not. I have a. I have a lower. I have the drawer. But actually. No, no, no, sorry. But in the other fridge it's a side by side, so it can't be too close to it. But what I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

What about your two fridges, Brian?

[Adam Carolla]

If it, if it is, in fact, you come out and it just comes out like, you know, dog piss. Your fridge is too warm. It's gotta come out in just a slightly opaque, slightly hibiscus way. And that's how you know you're right in that sweet I don't know. 34, 35 range. Yep. Dumped it in my coffee this morning. Beautiful on it. Warrior bars, buffalo meat, 14 grams of protein, no soy, no lactose, no antibiotics, no nitrates, no gluten, all that kind of stuff. Alpha brain all good for what else you go to onnit.com adamsave 10% good guys. Good company on it. All right, let's see. We got some phone calls. We got Huey bol and we got the mash up. Is it yui? Am I saying that right? I think it's ue he's a German director kind of went nuts on he's a pistol starter thing. He's pistol. He's great. Dawson mashed something up with him and well we'll Dawson's not here right now but we'll give it a listen too and that way we can be honest about it.

[Brian Bishop]

So yes, uber ball.

[Adam Carolla]

And that is the last update. We have only four days to do with the rampage campaign. It looks like nobody gives a about Rampage 3. So basically my message is yourself. I want to do Rampage 3 because it is an important movie. Hollywood sucks. Iron man is not existing. The Avengers are not existing. They're all idiots.

[Brian Bishop]

And rob about Downey Jr. And all their people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they are idiots. It's like a dirty pieces of and I never played that game. I made movies and focused on the movies. It's all about the money. They're and retards and they're not even able anymore to create a piece of art yourself. I have enough money to play golf till I'm dead in talk shows they're sitting there and saying I'm one of you. You know, I'm Jenny from the block. Wake the what is Jennifer Lopez like a fucking demanding Mexican bitch. Nothing else. That is the Hollywood Reporter, right? Look at them. They're all laughing and smiling. All your idols. You want to be like them, right? You know what they do? They're laughing about you. They're like huh. Not perfect. That is the most business with idiots. One after the other lined up behind each other. You know they're all each other in the asses and they all laughing their asses off. Nothing else. All the actors ever workers, Ben Kingsley, whatever are nothing else. Ben is a dear friend of the managers, agents and publicists and and attorneys and they protect them so that they can drive a Ferrari in Beverly Hills yourself. My movie is 10 times better. Hollywood sucks. They're like half perfect. The young people of today Falling in the trap. Because they're all stupid. You know, like, wake the up. 400,000 children and women got hacked in pieces. They're like half perfect. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of material there.

[Adam Carolla]

What.

[Brian Bishop]

What to draw from. We better watch out. He's gonna burn his bridges someday.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Dan. How you doing, Dan, Iowa? What's going on, Dan? Not much, Bob. Have to say. I gave your book to an employee of mine. He loved it. His dad was going through the same bullshit. Gina, you're doing awesome. It's been a lot of fun to hear. Thank.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thank you, Ace question. Has to do with the. Your mom's house getting sold for quite a bit of cash. Well, yeah, you know, I had this. I had a. I was looking up at your question. Yeah, the house that cost $10,000 sold for 650. And I imagine the.

[Brian Bishop]

You're stammering.

[Adam Carolla]

Imagine the $89 mortgage was probably paid off monthly. Mortgage was probably paid off some years ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Looks like there's two earners in the Corolla family now.

[Adam Carolla]

I had an impulse, and it's an impulse that we should all have, and it's an impulse that I'm proud of, and it's an impulse that most people don't have, which is the following impulse. When I heard the news. No impulse. I cannot tell you your lack of.

[Brian Bishop]

Impulse is your impulse.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I tell you how many people find out the Ace man has a warehouse? And then I can always see fucking things turning. And then at some point, I get the. You know, I bought an RV and I. But, you know, not long term. I'm gonna flip it, but I do. But I can't park in front of my apartment. You know, it just.

[Brian Bishop]

In the dawn of the podcast, there were a lot more vehicles parked on the property. It didn't seem to move.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying no, but there's. There's a monetary part, there's a physical part. There's an every part of. You find out somebody does something, fill in that blank. And then you start thinking, how am I gonna get in on this?

[Gina Grad]

Isn't Mike August really good at that? Isn't that how you got a vending machine?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't want the fucking vending machine. A vending machine costs me kilowatts. I never eat anything out of it, and I can't stand it.

[Brian Bishop]

But employees feel happy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what. Please.

[Gina Grad]

Bloated.

[Adam Carolla]

Care about bloated happy. The point is this. 45 minutes a day, they're here. The point is this not you, Mike Spout. You're here almost an hour. Thanks. The point is this. Yes, Mike does that. No, I think there's a difference. The difference is when you find out somebody. You know, when I'm talking to Dexter from the Offspring and he's talking about selling hot sauce, you know, and I go, I sell Mangria. I wonder if we should try to team up and do some special or something. Whatever. That's something else.

[Adam Scott]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Brian Bishop]

That's collaboration.

[Gina Grad]

That's business.

[Adam Carolla]

Called business. That's called business. Right. Oh, you can hear them on Take a Neat. By the way, I'm Kroll.com Arkhrive I'm talking about the fucking people that find out either you're making a movie, you have some warehouse space, you have a gig, whatever, whatever. Whomever. You have a swimming pool. And they start thinking about ways to get into it without.

[Gina Grad]

Birthday is coming up real soon. We didn't book a bounce house.

[Adam Carolla]

I am telling you, buy a warehouse and wait to see how many people start, oh, want to shoot a commercial, want to store their whatever, want to open an office in whatever it is, it all comes fucking flying to the fore. Most people, when they find out that their elderly mom sold their house, that's a pile of shit for a ton of cash. The first place the brain goes is somewhere.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure. Dollar signs.

[Adam Carolla]

Not I'm gonna rip off the old lady, but you know, she's doing fine. And I got a couple of kids to raise and I got some debt and she's definitely. She's definitely got some cash coming in. Maybe I could hit her up for a little loan. It's just a little vig, you know, something. Something. I am ecstatic to say I had no feelings. I just heard it and walked into the house for another beer. I didn't even think about just. It wasn't even a fleeting thought of.

[Gina Grad]

So it never even affect me. It didn't occur to you to collect on past debt either?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna do? No. But also, I have been so far out of the what can I get from my family mode for so many decades now that if they had a Paul Newman car on their front lawn, I'd probably walk right past it. I wouldn't even think about it because I won't even go there. I won't go there emotionally speaking of that. By the way, racin Newman's Camaro for the first time. Very rare Camaro down at beautiful Fontana. Coming up this weekend. I think you guys can come out and if you want to come out, walk around. I'll have Sonny, Natalia there. They'll be in the pit with me. We'll drive in a big, fast car. So we'll be there during the weekend, Saturday, Sunday, both. Yeah. Big vintage event. So say hi if. If you like. All right, some questions. I hear a guesser here. Is that true?

[Gina Grad]

They just walked past the window.

[Brian Bishop]

Keep them waiting too long.

[Adam Carolla]

I should not. Because they're a listers. Jack Threads, baby. Just unpack the shoes I got from Jack Threads. Actually, today, this morning, some blue suede shoes. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Great.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd like to see you wear those.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too. Jack Threads.

[Brian Bishop]

Wear those to the live show we have coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

I literally haven't taken the paper that's stuck into them out yet, but I put them in my closet. They look good. They're one of those things. All right, I'll wear them to the live show. When is that? Thursday.

[Brian Bishop]

Burrows Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

I will be wearing my blue suede shoes.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you heard that? That's a set of tickets being snatched up.

[Adam Carolla]

People wore my board shorts in the pool today with my daughter playing a little fun with her fashionista. That's right. Couldn't wear the suede in the pool.

[Brian Bishop]

What happened to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Jackthreads.com. that's what happened to me. Use the code Corolla at checkout. Get 20% off your first purchase. That's jackthreads.com. enter Corolla. Good prices on this stuff. Just go online. You don't have to wait around them all. Elevate your style every day. Jackthreads.com. yeah, Eliza Schlesinger is going to be with us, by the way. Always funny. All right. Yes, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

I want to say a quick thanks to everyone who came out to my book signing on Friday in San Francisco. It was awesome. There are actually like 40 or so people there, and the manager was really like, that's kind of a big crowd for Friday night. He was really happy. And I signed a bunch of books and took a bunch of pictures. And if anyone wants a signed book, just contact Book Passage in the Bay Area and they will send you out a signed book.

[Adam Carolla]

Saw a couple of good tweets.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was fun, man. It was really fun. Thanks for coming out, you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, guys.

[Gina Grad]

Can I tell you, I have to be honest, I almost didn't come today. I almost called him dead because I just saw a tweet a little bit before I left that Channing Tatum is going to be on a parade at Gay Pride right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yep. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So I want. I want it noted how much I love this job. That I miss that.

[Adam Carolla]

That was.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a big, big thing here in la.

[Adam Carolla]

That's huge. I was the worst I've ever been sunburned. It was on a Gay Pride float.

[Brian Bishop]

And I had a feeling Adam Corla was gonna say that at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want you to know I've come around on my. Some. My interpretations of what happened that day.

[Brian Bishop]

Changed your stance.

[Adam Carolla]

We were the Village People. I think I was the telephone repair guy. Yeah, I know. Jimmy was the biker or whatever. I was the cop or something.

[Gina Grad]

Was Dr. Drew the Indian.

[Adam Carolla]

It was the morning show. It was Kevin Bean. A lot of controversy over Jimmy Stein saying hello, gays. It was one of those arguing with the station manager. Why? We're just saying hi. Come on, Jimmy. Why you can't say hi to the gay. It's a gay parade. Hello, gays. No, come on. It was a very funny argument. You know what you're the middle of? You know what you're doing? You're being a dick. I was wearing a wife beater tank top. And I didn't realize that you stage up to do that thing at like 10am at least back in the day. And by the time you're done, it's 5pm and this is sort of pre sunblock. You know, it's just. It was like in 1994, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone was slathering it on, you know, every single day.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't even really wasn't in before the white lung. Well, in 1994, when you were leaving the house, no one said, bring your sunblock. And I was wearing. I'm wearing a tank top and kind of a sheerish one. And you're just standing on this float waving. I still can see the lines carved into my shoulder. At the time, I thought it was God punishing me for participating with the gays. Now I realize it was the gay. God punished me for pretending. Ah.

[Brian Bishop]

For pretending not diving in full.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I've come a long way.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I learned that I was really, like, going bald. When I was like 21, I worked the San Francisco AIDS Walk in Golden Gate park. And that's one of those things at 6am to like 4pm and I didn't think to put on sunblock on my thinning head and worst sunburn in my life.

[Gina Grad]

I hope you two learned something from this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, real quick. And then we'll bring in Adam and Jason. Keith. Hey, Adam. How are you? Good. Go fast. We got a couple of big stars waiting for us. Okay, I'll try to make it quick, you guys. Or you made the connection a few weeks ago between the similarity of the.

[Dr. Bruce]

Plotline of Rocky 3 and the real.

[Adam Carolla]

Life no Moss fight. Mm, yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

I wanted to give you another piece.

[Adam Carolla]

Of data to confirm your intuitiveness. Well, except for Sugar Ray Leonard stayed with his game plan, and Rocky decided that Apollo, I mean, sorry, Clubber Lang. Clubber Lang's punches no longer affected his equilibrium.

[Brian Bishop]

That was his game plan.

[Adam Carolla]

His way into it was to let him punch himself out on his temple.

[Brian Bishop]

Was to absorb facial shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Why didn't he just decide his punches couldn't affect him in the first fight?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that was his critical error in the first fight.

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. You don't hurt me. It's so bad. Do it again. I got it, Keith. Okay, sorry. So a guy that I used to.

[Dr. Bruce]

Work with went to college at Tulane.

[Adam Carolla]

And played football there in the early 80s, late 70s. And they used to hire the football players back then for security at the Superdome events. And he worked that fight. He had a whole album, photos, in fact, I even saw him on the no mas video on 30. On 30. Wow. Turns out he said we were talking this one day before you even brought this up, that guess who was the.

[Dr. Bruce]

Head of security, the bodyguard for Sugar Ray Leonard.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. T was his security guard. Well, it's interesting because Mr. T was a bouncer. And Mr. T's first claim to stardom was like, when a wide world of sports, when they used to have barrel jumping and all sorts of crazy, like motorcycle ice racing, and you never knew where you were going or what the fuck was going on. Bar bouncing competition. What literally were the events? And I don't even know if it was wide world or sports. It was like, pick someone up by.

[Gina Grad]

The scruff of their neck.

[Brian Bishop]

Get out, stand out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Pull the chicks, weave out. Got a black chick stand in my front door to pull her weave out. That's how you start. No, you literally had to like, kick open a door, go around a bunch of bar stools and, you know, I don't know, push someone aside, you know, carry a hundred pound sack or something, jump over the bar and like ring a bell. Nice. And it was like. But I would watch that now, right? The world's best bouncer competition. Sort of like a lumberjack competition, but.

[Gina Grad]

Inner city American Ninja warrior, but for bartenders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, or bouncers. Right. And Mr. T, I think, won that thing.

[Brian Bishop]

No shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Way back in the day. All right. We Got the guys waiting on there. Adam Scott, Jason Schwarzenegger.

[Gina Grad]

Schwartzman.

[Adam Carolla]

Schwarzman. You know, I swear to God, Schwartzman's an. It's. I know. Like, I can't read. But the point is, is Schwarzman's a lot easier if you don't look at it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All those letters, you start reading it.

[Brian Bishop]

All those consonants mess you up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please. I just. I can say Schwartzman all day long. I know. But when you glance at it, it fucking. You get a hiccup.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, there's a W and a Z in there. Jesus.

[Gina Grad]

Like Eliza Schlesinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't do that one either. Z clip baby. That's what you need. That's what I got. You look like a pro. Suffering from wallet sciatica. That's another word you shouldn't look at. Bulky wallet in the back pocket, screwing up your posture. Seriously, what happens to people all the time is they go, my back is screwed up or my right hip is screwed up, so I'm favoring my left hip. And then the next thing you know, their back gets screwed up because they're favoring or they're leaning or they're. Whatever.

[Gina Grad]

It was a big enough phenomenon to have a whole Seinfeld episode around it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Over compensation. You'll do that with your wallet. Especially now that you know when you're sitting in your car, that Jag you're driving, See, it's taught. I mean, it's not like sitting on the bench pillow. Big sofa pillow that you grew up on, you know, 68 Nova that just had a big piece of foam rubber going all the way across it. Z clip baby holds up through 15 bills. Eight cards. Pulled mine out last night. Took the family dinner. Looked like a winner. Winner. Made from solid carbon fiber. Also comes in stainless steel. Carbon steel. Go to z clip.com. use the code Adam. Get 20% off. Again, it's one of these things. Like I said, it's like a nice watch, nice shoes, nice something. Yeah, you can get by on the flip flops you get at the supermarket or get something nice and look like a winner. Same with the watch. Same with the Z clip. 20% off. Z as in zebra clip dot com. Not too late for Father's Day, but let's get going. Use the promo code, Adam. Get 20% off your entire order. All right, Adam, Jason out there. The overnight movie they filmed in my house in studio. Next. Yeah. Welcome back, Adam Scott. Jason Schwarzman here. The overnight. The name of the movie. It's in select theater store June 19th coming up. Is it this Friday? Yeah. How many are we starting in?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I believe we're starting in three or four Louisiana and New York, and then we're gonna end up in about 300 on about 300 screens after a couple few weeks.

[Dr. Bruce]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

The toast of Sundance, I might add. And congratulations.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

We did watch it last night. Enjoyed the bejesus out of it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's kind of like you got in a Sundance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like my house got into Sundance adjacent.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Could not have done this movie without Adam's house. Literally could not have done the movie without your house.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Adam's lovely wife Naomi was my former assistant back at the man show. Thank God I was never creepy with her.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, quite the opposite. All three of you guys were never once creepy with Naomi, ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Cause she was me and Jimmy and Daniel's assistant.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was easy. She's very beautiful. But I understand the impulse to be creepy with your now wife Naomi, but I'm so glad I wasn't.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, me too.

[Adam Scott]

And yeah, sorry, but you dating then at that time?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No. When she started working for you guys, we were on a one year break.

[Adam Carolla]

I believe I should have been creepy.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You could have been creepy, but that's it. You got like. It was the man show. And so you would think it is a place where guys would be creepy to girls or could be creepy to girls and it would just be like, you know, just expected behavior.

[Brian Bishop]

But you'd be right.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You three guys are like the mellowest. Well, in Daniel's case, I'm not sure about mellow, but you're all just very gentlemanly guy. Like, I've never seen less creepy. The three of you guys are not like creepy dudes, I guess, is what.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to say. I'll take it. No, Jimmy's the nicest guy on the planet. And so the movie which was shot when was about a year and a.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Half ago, April of last year. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And was crazy. I mean, it shot like over what, 19 days or some short. Oh, is it that short?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We shot 10. 10 nights in your house and then two days outside of your house. And that's the whole movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's incredible. The cast is incredible, but it's really. It's one of these movies that is small but doesn't feel small because the acting is really good and because it's shot really well. I don't know who the cinematographer was, John Gulasarian, but he made that movie look great.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, for sure. He was awesome.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys were great in it. And the only part I didn't like is the part where Jason was explaining that the house started off as a box and that he built it out into its glory now. Sorry, I took some offense to that, but I was able to see the recyclerola in the background of the kitchen.

[Brian Bishop]

It's making its feature debut.

[Gina Grad]

It's like its own character now.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

See?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Scott]

It's beautiful. And. But I do think that's why it also looks beautiful, because that location is incredible. The house is beautiful. Everywhere you filmed, it looked so rich and beautiful. And also the view was so nice, you know, and I think that it. It was. It just like the location was so perfect for. For the movie also, because when the lights go down, you know, when it becomes night and you see LA light up, it. I don't know, it felt like we were on a spaceship or something.

[Gina Grad]

It's kind of magical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was nice.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And we shot, you know, 89% of the movie at night, so the whole city was asleep, and we were making this kind of naughty movie up in on the top of a hill. It felt like we were not. We were, you know, all alone, doing something we weren't supposed to be doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the movie's getting great reviews at Sundance. It was like bidding war breaking out. I mean, a lot of heat around the movie, you know, I guess you never really know, and especially a movie like this, because this is one of those. It could go south pretty easily. When you describe the premise, for sure, of the movie and the fact that, I mean, it doesn't. I know it's a low budget film, but it does not look low budget because, A, you recognize everybody who's in it, and then B, just physically how it's lit, how it's shot. Is it shot on digital?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It just looked absolutely amazing. And you did what everyone wants to do in life, which is you shoot on a low budget. It doesn't look low budget. You do something in 12, 13 days and then take it to Sundance and then hit it, be the toes of the town. And now it's coming out. And it'll start in what, LA, New York, Chicago, LA, New York, then Chicago.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

San Francisco, Seattle, and then it'll broaden out to smaller towns. I know it's getting to Santa Cruz, where I grew up, so I know it's getting out to smaller towns as.

[Adam Carolla]

Well eventually, like by July and Jason's local. I mean, you're one of you. Me and Dr. Drew are the only three people in Hollywood that were actually born here.

[Adam Scott]

I know it's weird. I, you know, your whole life everyone's from here. And then one day you say you're from here and then you get like a weird look like you know, that, you know you're from here and it's, it's weird.

[Gina Grad]

But where are you from? From Westwood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You're from here.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, Westwood.

[Adam Carolla]

And so it is weird when you're.

[Adam Scott]

On an airplane or something and you know, and so you say, oh, I'm from la. And they say I'm from LA too. And you say where? And they say just like, like 10 minutes. And it's north of San Diego. And then I said, that's not really. That's not la.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's not LA at all.

[Adam Scott]

I know, I know that area a little bit. And you can't get that one past me, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

So overnight is now. What's going on right now? What's going on past that in other projects, TV shows, Parks and Rec is done. But is there something else I'm missing? Both Adam and Jason?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I'm going to be in a couple movies this year. One that comes out at Christmas called Krampus. That's like a, like a, like a Christmas family horror movie. Like in the vein of Poltergeist or Gremlins. This really interesting writer, director Michael Dougherty, has put together this kind of Amblin 80s style sort of family horror movie. Kind of Tim Burton y a little bit. I think it'll be really cool. Comes out at Christmas time.

[Adam Carolla]

And Jason, because both you've really worked sort of pretty much non stop for at least the last decade. As far as I can, as far as I can tell. We're looking at the poster right now.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Is that for the movie?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it says.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Whoa. Crazy.

[Adam Scott]

That's amazing. Have you never seen that before?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, I hadn't seen that.

[Adam Scott]

Was that the Krampus?

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's goodness.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Krampus.

[Adam Carolla]

We just saw the poster for Frightening Gary look for Phoebe case explaining why she hates Christmas, by the way, because I bet Adam and Jason have never heard why Phoebe Kate's from Gremlins. They forgot why. It's, it's the, it's the. You guys make movies for a living. It is one of those things where you get the script, you start reading through it and once in a while you see a movie where you go, did anyone not want to raise their hand at the table, read and go, I don't know what this is? And these eight pages in the middle of the script.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And it's a long monologue, right, if I remember correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. This is. This is why. And then. And tell me if you've ever done this when you're reading a script or not.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, the bar scene.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is walking. This is. I think they're. Oh, no, no. Yeah, you're right. They're in the bar. They're in the bar. They're. They're right.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

When all the shit's going down and.

[Adam Carolla]

She'S explaining why she hates Christmas.

[Gina Grad]

It was Christmas Eve.

[Adam Carolla]

I was nine years old. Me and mom were decorating the tree, waiting for dad to come home from work. Couple hours went by.

[Gina Grad]

Dad wasn't home. His mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

The police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep.

[Gina Grad]

Everything was falling apart.

[Adam Carolla]

It was snowing outside. The house was freezing. So I went to try to light up the fire.

[Gina Grad]

And that's when I noticed the smell.

[Adam Carolla]

This was a comedy. Firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father.

[Brian Bishop]

See, that's funny.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Good Lord.

[Brian Bishop]

Gizmo very concerned.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Gizmo's masturbating in the corner.

[Adam Carolla]

Santa Claus suit. He's in the chimney. Corpse, chimney. On Christmas Eve, his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck.

[Gina Grad]

Died instantly.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus. Oh, come on now. If you guys are at a table read, that's funny. You've been to a lot of. You've done a lot of table reads. At some point, if you're reading that, do you raise your hand and go, only because the rest of the script is so great. Am I speaking out. I really feel like this is slowing the movie down just a little bit. These 11 pages in the middle right here about the movie. Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Have you ever had a moment like that?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think that that is a brilliant piece of comedy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. That's black comedy.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I feel like beat for beat, it has real laughs.

[Brian Bishop]

That's played for laughs.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And then the last. That's how I found out there was no Santa Claus is like a big. So anyway, it plays like a piece of comedy. It's amazing.

[Dr. Bruce]

So that.

[Adam Scott]

But that's hard to make that. Something like that be good. I mean, that's good act. I mean, that's amazing. I think that could be a Lot that could be really bad.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

FIFA Case is one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world, and she pulls the monologue off and it's very. And it stands the test of time as a great comedy. Comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be on her reel then. Absolutely.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That is for real, man.

[Gina Grad]

That is a queen of anti humor.

[Adam Scott]

Did you know I just found. Did you know Howie Mandela is the voice of Gizmo?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's one of those.

[Adam Scott]

I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you hear it and you go, oh, that makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

You know who the voice of ET Is?

[Adam Scott]

Who?

[Brian Bishop]

Deborah Winger.

[Adam Scott]

Get out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck out of here.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm about 95% sure we can look that up.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Adam Scott]

Are you serious?

[Brian Bishop]

Why is crazy trivia it.

[Adam Scott]

It's Deborah Winger.

[Brian Bishop]

Look it up. And I.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Howie Mandel did. Is like Bobby's World thing. Yes.

[Gina Grad]

He's cartoon.

[Adam Carolla]

He does do that.

[Adam Scott]

He does, yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And also Super Gremlins was such a big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Do you remember it?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Scared the shit out of me.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Scott]

The worst pet to have would be Gizmo.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like, yes.

[Adam Scott]

If ever I could have a real. If I could have any creature from any movie, it would be Gizmo or Ewok. But he has so much responsibility.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna keep him away from Creature. I'd probably go with Phoebe Cates.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

From that movie.

[Adam Scott]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Just keep her around 22. 22 and a half there. So, Jason, what's going on with you?

[Adam Scott]

So I have a movie coming out in August called Seven Chinese Brothers, and I also produce and help write a TV show for Amazon called Mozart in the Jungle. And it's about the kind of underbelly of the classical music world in New York. And it's pretty. It's pretty fun to do.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's so good.

[Adam Carolla]

And how much writing are you guys doing and how much do you want to do? And I know everyone's doing everything, but you can't do everything at once. So is are theatrical projects and TV shows and what's.

[Adam Scott]

Wrapping that. Writing takes up a lot of time right now. I'm trying to figure. Figure it all out. So it's a lot of devoted time. But. Yeah, but we have a few writers, so it's really. It's. It's fun. It's interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. Do you just look at yourself as a creative person, like at the bottom? I don't know. When your head hits the pillow at night, you go, all right, creative person. Go to bed. I Mean, because music writing and acting and whatever else.

[Adam Scott]

No, I. I say, all right, lucky, lucky person. You should probably go to bed because you should probably turn that off and go to bed.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You are a genuinely creative person. Like, you would bring a guitar to like you. You know how to make things.

[Adam Scott]

That's not true.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Efficiently.

[Adam Scott]

No, but I. I just feel. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not good at going to bed. Are you guys?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I. It's going to bed. First off, going to bed means tomorrow's gonna start when I'm, you know, in about 20 minutes when I fall asleep. And I always. My whole life, my impulse was to postpone tomorrow starting because we go from the best, sweet, sort of the Heart of the Artichoke, which is that nighttime, but that sweet spot between about 10:30 and 1:00am when you got that glass of wine in your hand and the best TV shows are on and everyone's. And it's not hot. There's no leaf blowers and everything. You're gonna go from there to the worst part, which is 7:15 and fucking leaf blowers and bright light people. Everyone fucking annoying you. It is terrible in life, moving and then going outside and seeing people that are okay with it. Yeah, I hate that. Like, that's good. What are you doing? I just got back from the Y. Swam a bunch of laughs. You asshole.

[Brian Bishop]

I like to attack the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I hate those assholes.

[Adam Scott]

Well, here's the question that I have for you. So for your movie that you did, you had to work out? Yeah, and I've always been blown away. Like, I. I agree with you. I'm not a morning person. And I mean, I just think it's silly to get up so early. But you. I have to. I've got children and stuff. But you hear. But when I'm working, I try to get up like the last possible second and then go to work. But you hear about actors who have to be in incredible physical condition, will get up two or three hours before they have to go to work and work out. How do you. How do you not crash, like, physically?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

How do you not kill yourself?

[Adam Carolla]

What was the central Adam?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Well, you know, I. I did. I had to, like, get into shape for the movie. And it's not like I'm a super athletic person, as you can tell. But I. I did, like, try. And on some mornings, if I had like a 7am call, we shot it in New Zealand, I would. Not that that's relevant to this story. I'm just bragging that I went On.

[Adam Carolla]

A flight that helps me.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I would get up at 5 and go to the gym. This is all stupid that I'm saying all this, but go to the gym.

[Adam Scott]

No, tell me about your work and.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Then come back and I usually get up fairly. I usually. You don't get up and leave enough room for coffee before work. You just go straight to work.

[Adam Scott]

You mean, like, go out and buy one?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, like make it at home and.

[Adam Carolla]

Do a crossword puzzle.

[Adam Scott]

It depends. I try to get. Try to, like, sleep till almost the very last second.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Oh, yeah. See, I always need. I need time to drink coffee and watch something before I go. I usually wake up two hours before my call time.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

I had. I had the. I had the devastation on Friday of having the coffee maker not work.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What do you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I had. I just poured in the counter and started snorting it, like, getting a freeze with it, you know, fucking keistering it, like. Yeah. It was this deal where I'm shooting this spike show. And it was like Friday. We'd been shooting all week. You know how you kind of. You're all right on Monday, Wednesday you're starting to slow down, but by Friday, you're. You're pretty much done with that schedule. And everyone else. Everyone in the house is asleep. The kids are asleep. The dog is asleep in a mocking way. You know, belly hanging out, paws splayed out. You know, having to move her paw off on my foot to get out of bed. You know, her rolling over and disgust. You know everybody.

[Brian Bishop]

You're her best.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate it when everyone else in the house is asleep because it makes me that much more tired. Yeah. I go into the kitchen with the coffee makers just set to go off at 6am and it's like 6:45, and it's just. It ain't working. Yeah. And it's that move where the writing on the coffee maker. You need a jeweler's loop and a flashlight in your mouth. The fucking. You really. You switch it on auto. Then you switch it to on. Then you hit program or timer. Then you do the move. The super helpless. I'm gonna unplug it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'll plug it back in and surely something will happen.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Something happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Even at some point, there's a part where you just lift it and bonk it once. Like maybe it just needs a good punch. A font shake.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Move the carafe around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, move the carafe around. It doesn't notice. It's not that. It's not registering something. Yes. And I pulled it out Counted the three Mississippi, punched it back in as if nothing was wrong. Nothing. Then there's the weird.

[Brian Bishop]

My grandparents had trouble with it too.

[Adam Carolla]

The coffee maker delay, where it's like it starts, you're not sure it started because it's gonna take the sucking out 8, 30 Mississippi to go. And you're just sitting there and then you're looking at the clock going, I gotta be in Torrance in 40 minutes and it ain't gonna work. I think I heated up water and put some instant something in a cup that would just. Just so it was brown, just so I could have something that looked brown in my hand. And then soon as I got to set, I just raped the shit out of the Starbucks box the whole time. And it was so weird because it was four in the afternoon, I was pouring coffee like my inner child had been wounded by no coffee and I had to make up for it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

So what's wrong with your, like a coffee maker is a pretty simple device. What went wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is the twisting of the coffee stirrer in my side was when I got home and I said to my wife, what's up with the coffee maker? She gone. I don't know. It was working fine when I got up at 11 noonish or whatever. Whenever she came upon it, it was.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I don't know what time it was.

[Adam Scott]

Weird. Well, what do you think about that? Because you're someone, you know how things are made and it's weird like these days how everything is now a computer chip and interconnected. So if one thing breaks, so many things break. Is that frustrating? Do you try to learn about that stuff or do you try to keep as much of it analog as possible?

[Adam Carolla]

I am totally hands on mechanical analog. And if I can't turn it or break it free or kick it, I don't want anything to do with it. Yes, Brian, I have a follow up.

[Brian Bishop]

Question to Jason's question, which is am I crazy or old or whatever thinking this? Whenever we were redoing our kitchen and we had the option to put in one of those faucets that you touch, you know what I mean? It goes on, you touch, it goes off, you know, so you don't have to handle. I said, Christy, I said to Christy, no, no, no. Everything electronic, that's one more thing that can go wrong and break and have to be replaced. I want the handle that you can turn on. Is that weird or should I just give in to the electronic?

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's certain things like a handle.

[Adam Scott]

On a faucet, a handle that turns on a faucet's a tried and technical.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you an example. A volume knob always needs to be a knob, not a button you push and watch some digital thing go up. It just. You need the visceral, tactile. I'm turning of the knob. When you drive a car, you need a tachometer with a dial on it that actually goes up before you shift. If it's digital, it doesn't really mean anything. You need to feel that thing and the knob and the handle. And by the way, the time when we either run out of energy to turn the handle, the hot water on and off or just leave it on and forget about it. Fucking put a bullet my head at that point is what I have to say.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I have to say the, the volume controls on my Bluetooth speaker. I just got the smaller Bose Bluetooth speaker, which is just outstanding. But the volume control is a button with a plus and a minus. And it's. I was just thinking today, how unsatisfying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

And you just tap it, right? Like that's just.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Well, you have to press. You have to really kind of add some pressure to it. And it's not near. I wish there was a dial on there. I love a volume dial.

[Gina Grad]

And to add insult, isn't there a little bit of a lag? Like it takes another hiccup second and.

[Adam Scott]

Sometimes even a beep that goes over the music that you're trying to listen to. The worst now, forgive me for not having a life, but that's. I deal with this.

[Adam Carolla]

We should travel to third world nations and explain to them what pain is and do what routine sorrow is. The idea that I had to drive to Torrance before I got my first tub of Starbucks. The idea that your Bluetooth takes a manual and not a dial, but a push button volume thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello, new deli. You guys know with your Bluetooth Bose speakers.

[Gina Grad]

No, not your actual blue teeth. A Bluetooth.

[Adam Scott]

I wonder if kids though, like new. New kids will have these.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how, how old is everyone's kids? How old is Jason? You have two kids, right? And you have two kids?

[Adam Scott]

One and a half and four and one and a half. Four and a half minor.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Eight and six.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right. So they're right in my kids wheelhouse. Who just turned nine the other week. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

How do they feel about zip lines?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Zip lines? You mean like zip lines?

[Gina Grad]

He has one that loves them and one that doesn't.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Oh, I think they love zip lines. Do you have a zip line in your yard?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll put one up in my backyard for my daughter.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And one of them hates it.

[Adam Carolla]

One of them's scared of it. Like the dog is scared of a vacuum cleaner.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like your boy is scared of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Pure puss all the way.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Because I think zip lines are just for a kid. It's just all your prayers answered.

[Adam Carolla]

My daughter's.

[Adam Scott]

What do you do? How are you gonna break it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You know, my. My deal is it's not his thing. And I'm not going to give him an eating disorder or fuck with his sexuality because Daddy duct taped me and then fucking hit me with his flip flop and said, ride it, boy. Yeah. Because all I'm gonna do is get him into something weird sexually later on in life. It's not his deal. It's not his deal. He has other things he enjoys, and that's fine. Daddy's into it. Daughter's into it. Yeah, fine. I had this. I had this moment today, and I don't know if you guys have gotten into this with your kids or not, but, Jason, your kids, a little bit young with Adam. Your kids are going to start getting into this right on the cusp of being able to, like, do things.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, my wife was laying in bed today, and we were just sitting in there before we came in here, and she just called Sonny from the other room. And he came in and she walked in and she said, give me a beer. And he went, okay. And he ran in the kitchen and ran back and handed her a Bud Light lime. And I thought, finally, fucking dividends, you know? And he had a thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Finally this whole kid thing is paying off.

[Adam Carolla]

There's your first. You spend the first. Like. I mean, I know when they grow up on the fucking farm, they're tilling soil at age four and a half, but out here, they're covered in bubble wrap from like, zero to like seven and a half or eight. But at some point when you say to them, go to my car and just get my shoes out of the trunk, and they go, do it. You go, fucking great. I have a little indentured servant here for like, the next eight years before they hate my guts. Even like. Like little stuff. When I'm leaving the house early in the morning and Sonny's the only one who's up, I'll just say to him, lock Daddy out of the house. Like, I don't feel like turning around and locking the door. Just follow me out, give me a kiss, and lock the door. Like, little stuff you can kind of pawn off on them.

[Brian Bishop]

Christ. I can only imagine your reaction the day they're able to be your designated drivers.

[Adam Carolla]

Pony cake in the headliner.

[Gina Grad]

Sweet 16 to you.

[Adam Carolla]

So we got this. We got this bear. My wife ordered this big tub, this big, like, plastic put together sort of. I guess it'd be like a chest to keep all my son's balls as a thousand footballs and basketballs. They're spread out all over the fucking yard just getting. Getting. Getting hit with the hose and the sprinklers and everything. And I got them all together and I said, we need a big tub. And it's. The box came sitting in the driveway. It's. It's about 6ft long, and it weighs like 50 pounds. And I called them both in. I said, you two drag the thing to the back where the basketball court is and tear it open. Then Daddy will put it together. And I was like, by any means you can. And if you want to use a skateboard and put it on the skateboard and try to drag it on the skateboard or whatever it is, just go get it from the front of the driveway to the back of the house. And they started to go get it. And my wife went, it's so heavy. They're not. And I was like, shush.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys get into that ever? And they're like, figure out. Just let them fucking figure it out. The sun's shining. Let him get something out. Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Well, today we have family in town because we had the premiere of the overnight last night, and so we had my parents and Naomi's parents and Naomi's brother. We had a bunch of people over at the house, and we were all in the backyard. And my son. I was trying. Because I had noticed just recently I can use these kids to grab me stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just getting to that age.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

They're no good at like, six, but by like, eight, they start getting. You can let them do your bidding. Start muling drugs in from Mexico, whatever.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

So he gets up and is going inside. And I was still in. I was in the swimming pool, and he's running inside, and I thought, well, I can use. I can show everyone this new. This newfound skill that my son has and kind of show off a little bit. And so I said, hey, Graham, on the way in, would you grab, like, three towels and bring him right back? And he. And he goes, no. And he runs inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go, everybody. I gotta tell you, I don't. The more. And you guys tell me with your kids, I. We watch Films of them. Films video of them. You know, at age, game film breakdown. Game film broke down. Game film. Like them in the tub, you know, 13 months old or whatever. Their personalities were locked off. I mean, at nine months she was loud and throwing stuff around and getting in everyone's grill and he was just sitting there like a lump being super sweet to everybody. And it's like this notion that you need to expose them to certain kinds of literature or the arts or, or whatever. Classical music or whatever. We need to expose them. I am starting to think I. I mean, I really think you can fuck them up.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like the die is cast. Don't worry about it.

[Adam Carolla]

The die is cast. If you would like to molest them, you can fuck them up. But. But other than that, you pointing them towards sports, zip lines or Mozart is not going. They will find it or they won't.

[Adam Scott]

I agree. I feel like all I love music I have in my head, you know. But I would never. I just never make my daughter take a lesson. My attitude, I mean, as of right now, I wouldn't. But my attitude is I'll fill the house with musical objects that are inexpensive, that can fall and you know, she's not afraid to pick up and mess with if she gets into it and enjoys it. That's all I can do, like is just having things I love around and I do my thing. But I know exactly what you mean, that I feel like I don't want to push anything on anybody. I feel like they might hate it.

[Adam Carolla]

And hate you at some point.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah. We tried soccer, we tried baseball and you know, the kids kind of liked it, but they weren't super into it. So it's not like we make them super stay in soccer if it's not something they enjoy. There's nothing worse than having to go to soccer practice if you don't want to be there at all. I remember having to do that. And so we're kind of. It's kind of the same thing. Like here it is and if you like it, let's do it. But if not, then whatever.

[Adam Scott]

This is a good question. Well, go ahead. Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

Well, I was saying the same thing, question wise for all you parents. What if your kid really loves something, talks about it all the time, he's the first one in the car. But there's terrible at it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Oh yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Do you guide them away from it? You let them do it.

[Adam Scott]

I know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

And what do you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Here's the thing. If they're terrible at it. It will run its course. My son will come back and announce that he's the fastest kid in the third grade. And then my daughter will reel off two names and then a couple of girls names who are faster. And then he'll explain that. Yeah, but, you know, Nancy only has a step on him, and if it's an endurance race, he can take her. And he's being blinded by her pigtails from behind and things like that. And I just sit there laughing, going, look, it's not like he's gonna be delusional and make the Summer Olympics or be heartbroken and not. It will take its course. He will either get faster or life will let him know gently that track may not be a future in the future for him.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, your kids sound like they. Are they very close?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they. They. They. They are. I mean, they can't. They can't help it because they're twins, and they can't help it because my daughter tries to wrestle my son to the ground every. Every 10 minutes. And I just. Like, they were doing a thing today where they were just chasing each other around the house just sort of endlessly. It's always her chasing him, him always being annoyed by her and her energy. And I was just watching it. And every once in a while, she gets him in a bear hug, and it's like trying to pull him down, and he's like, stop it. And I'm like, fight back, sonny. Fight back. You know, and once in a while, my wife will go like, hey, knock it off. And I'll go, no, let him. That's. This is the freest, best in a world filled with Internet pornography and fucking tablets filled with God knows what and Jesus lasers and shit. This. This their avatars. This is the purest form and the oldest form of being a kid. This is what you do as a kid.

[Adam Scott]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's the. It's the one thing that I'm happy to say can't be replaced. Like, there is no technology that exists currently that takes the place of either me throwing the ball, the football with my son in the backyard, or me taking my daughter and throwing her into the swimming pool.

[Brian Bishop]

There's nothing that's no rough house app.

[Adam Carolla]

They would rather do. Yes. There's no video game. There's no anything on YouTube or iTunes or anything that will replace that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah. Building a fort in the living room with cushions and blankets is not. It's not the same as Minecraft. There's something a little more special.

[Adam Carolla]

They had the fort last night in Sonny's room. And by the way, you know what happens when you become a parent? First, you get pit at your parents, okay? Secondly, you realize, why was no the answer to almost everything? Like, my daughter will announce, we're sleeping in the living room tonight. We're building a fort. And I'll just go get it on, man. And I'll just walk past her into the kitchen like, I don't care. Sleep in the living room and build a fort. Why? Why were our parents like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And, you know, my daughter asked me today 2. Hey, my friend Cece wants to come over and go swimming with me. Can she come? Yeah. What? Come over, go swimming? It's not. Wasn't like, oh, I need to talk to her parents, or, this is a big deal. They're gonna be in the backyard swimming. Why was it always everything a big, like, if you want to get something eat, get something eat. If you want to go swimming the pool, go swim in the pool. What?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, Jason's mom was an actress. Was that a little different when you were growing up just because of the nature of. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, no.

[Adam Scott]

I heard no. I heard no a lot.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting. So another generation.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Maybe it is a generational thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, is your mom Talia Shire?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Because my daughter's Natalia. Oh, really? Interesting. Which. I don't know. Is your mom a Natalia?

[Adam Scott]

She's just Talia. Her mom's name was Italia, which is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, interesting.

[Adam Scott]

Which is Italy.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. So Italia. So she was Italia.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. So did we have. And you were Adam. You're like Santa Cruz. So, yeah. You're probably free and easy over there, right?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah. So, yeah, super free and free and easy. Free to be you and me. Remember that song, Free to be you and me.

[Adam Scott]

Did you have a thing, like. I will say that I'm trying to get to a place where, you know, like, I'm just nervous that my daughter. I don't want this to sound wrong, but, like, isn't afraid of me or something, because, like, I feel like I'll say something to her, and I don't want feel coming back from her that she thinks I mean it. And recently, she said something. We got in this thing, and she said, this is just so. This is not good. This. I was having such a good day now. This is the worst day ever. And I felt like I reverted to, like, the high school version of me, and she was like. She had more power over me. And I said to her. And then I Started laughing at myself. Like, if my wife could hear this, I was saying, hey, I'm a pretty cool guy. I said, I'm a pretty cool guy, all right? And really what I'm saying is just get to know me and just don't be so mean to me, all right? And. And I walked away. I was thinking, that's not the right. I gotta come up with a new.

[Gina Grad]

Way to lay the hammer down.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, I'm a pretty cool guy. It's like one of the worst. Like, you can't. That's. Every moment counts. And I'm not. I'm not laying. I'm not doing. I'm not building a foundation yet. But because I remember, like, my dad, like, my bedroom was underneath his room. And he was the best dad ever and sweet and amazing. But if I was in trouble, like, I don't know if you guys ever had this, but my dad would just, like, open the door. Like, if I was really loud with my friends, I'd be like, you guys too loud. Sound travels in the sounds you don't like, it doesn't travel.

[Kyle Turley]

It travels.

[Adam Scott]

And then, like. Then all I would know is, like, 10 minutes later, the door would open. My dad would just walk in, like, in his underwear and just go. Just walk back up.

[Gina Grad]

He was disappointed in you.

[Adam Scott]

And just like, not like disappointed, just like, just don't do. Just trying to go to bed, like it's too loud. And I'd say, see, guys? And I.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Adam Scott]

And I. But looking back, I'm like, that's amazing. He never raised his voice. I wasn't afraid. He just.

[Adam Carolla]

I was about to.

[Adam Scott]

When he brought the heat, I mean, when I knew I was wrong, I.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew you have to be wired as you are as a sensitive artist, because the head shake when you're rambunctious asshole doesn't. Is not that effective.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Case in point. Today it would get me asking my son.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the thing. You absorb things.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, I felt it deeply.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Me asking my son to get some fucking towels. And he says no and just walks inside.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Well, that's why you need. I'll give you this advice. Have a. You gotta have your dad voice.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

To have your dad voice kind of holstered. And just every once in a while with that, like, hey, hey. And three times a year, I give mostly my daughter the hey, your mom's nice. I'm not.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So listen to me. She's a sweet one. I'm not. So don't start pushing on me. You're dealing with a Different person over here.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll fuck your shit up.

[Adam Carolla]

Your shit up. Before I get stuck in the flu in the chimney. Before I surprise you, my rotting corpse coming from the firebox in the living room. Before that, I will your up. Hey. That's what you gotta have. It's just that one, you know, like, good.

[Adam Scott]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

The good sound. It shouldn't even be a voice. It's be that you stop them in their primal. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Guttural.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And when Adam gets the. You know, when you get the. Hey, screw you with the. With the towels. That's when you give the. Hey, turn it around.

[Adam Scott]

My wife's from Alabama, and she has two brothers. And between the two brothers, they've got seven kids. And those kids, like, it's like. It's amazing. What the respect. They'll say, yes, sir, no, sir. Yes, ma'am.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Where do they live?

[Adam Scott]

Alabama. It's amazing. And you'll say, can you get this for me? Yes, sir. To the point where I say to them, like, they'll say, I said, how was your baseball game, sir? Like, that's how they say, what? And I say, I said, how was your baseball game, sir? And I say, you don't have to. I just. Call me Jason. I'm from la. You don't have to come.

[Adam Carolla]

And I just.

[Adam Scott]

How's the baseball game?

[Gina Grad]

Are they adorable comic strip orphans?

[Adam Scott]

They're just amazing. To say, yes, it's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Do your kids ever do this? I gotta do this. I gotta ask you this one. Cause my kids will do this one every once in a while. And you'll have to catch yourself. Like, you'll just be sitting on the sofa with them. And my daughter will be like, hey, can you give me a juice box? And I'll be like, it's not like I'm in the kitchen. Yeah. Alphabetizing the juice boxes. I'm sitting next to her, and she'll go, can you get the remote? And I'll just look at her and go, you go get the remote. Like, it's really like, well, it was worth a try. You say, hey, hey.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Or you're sitting on the couch watching a movie and they're opening up a. A piece of candy or a cookie or something, and they put it in their mouth and they just hand you the wrapper as they're watching this. As if you are a receptacle and you have immediate access.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be so weird. Our society, I'm sure, is gonna be doomed in about 20 years when our kids are in charge and they're walking and they're standing in their office building. And it's like there's no give to this floor because they're used to growing up in a bouncy castle, kicking their shoes off before they enter across this floor.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, that wall hurts.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

An apocalyptic scenario. Somebody should really do something about this.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll do some news. You guys want to hang out? Do a little news. The overnight, by the way, as I've said before, in selected theaters June 19, I think what people can do is go to theovernight-movie.com, see a really fun movie and get a nice tour. My house. Yeah, if. If you'd like.

[Adam Scott]

How long did that take you to put together that whole house?

[Adam Carolla]

That house was a house I looked at as I was driving to Jimmy Kimmel's old house when I used to live across it in Beechwood Canyon. And every time I drove to Jimmy's house, I would look at that house and I would just go. As a guy who was a builder, I would go, that place has bones, man. And I can tell it's kind of falling apart, but it had bones just.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Going the back way up to Beechwood. You would see it or coming back.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming from Beechwood. Yeah, I would see it. And so I would just always thought, man, that place has bones.

[Adam Scott]

Do you mean bones like in the. Just the design of it, had enough that you could make something out of it that you liked or bones, meaning not even aesthetically bones.

[Brian Bishop]

Just.

[Adam Scott]

It looked like a place that was strong that you could build on.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I knew there was something going on artistically, aesthetically, and whatever from that house. Knowing that when, what about what time, what year it was built and what was going on, I just knew it. I knew there was something really good about that place. Now it turns out that house has, like hand carved beams and frescoes and all sorts of really cool stuff, and turned to a major, major, like, year and a half renovation. And my wife got pissed off because I bought it. And I didn't tell her, really, but I was like, look, I'm gonna do all the work and I'm gonna pay for it, and then when it's done, we'll move in. So, you know this is gonna be a win, win for you. And I literally was driving to Jimmy's house one day and there was a for sale sign as I was driving to Jimmy's house. And I just said, I need it, I want it. And you literally pulled in right then.

[Adam Scott]

And there and did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally just bought it. Just like that day almost. And then spent the next, like year and a half working on it day and night and sort of putting every little piece of the puzzle back together because I was insanely meticulous. And what had happened in that house? It was a show house and it had a name and it was one of the first houses built up there.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What's a show house?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, somebody had built it as like a. They were trying to develop that whole area and they built it as a model. Like a model. Here's what you could have, you know. And it had a bunch of really nice wall sconces and fixtures and things. And the people who'd own the house sold it all off. So all the fixtures and all the wall sconces and everything was all gone. And there's like light bulbs hanging from the ceiling and the wall sconces where it turned out, there was about 95 of them all got just plastered over. So I had to. It was major. I mean, everyone who walked into that place when I was tearing it apart would just look at it and go, what the fuck is going on here? Like, you're an idiot. And. But I knew what I knew because I'd done it for so long and I just. I just, I just tore into it.

[Adam Scott]

How did you know all that stuff? Were there photos of how it looked originally or something?

[Adam Carolla]

I was able to find like some old archival photos. I noticed when I was scraping the ceiling where the fresco was. It's like in the plaster was painted over white. I remember talking to.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

They painted over those frescoes.

[Adam Carolla]

They painted over the frescoes. They painted over the hand carved. Everything inside, outside, everything was painted orange or white. The whole front door, which is my favorite part of the house, was painted orange. I had to bring it to a place in Sun Valley and have it dipped in acid and then scraped the whole thing like dental instruments was crazy. And what. Oh, by the way, the house is in Roadheart. It's in my movie as well, if you want. It's my agent's house if you want to see the front door featured in that movie. But also Katie Kimmel, Jimmy's daughter, was friends with like the kid who lived there and used to go in there and I'd like pick her brain, like what's going on in the ceiling and entry and stuff like that. So I was able to cobble together some information from her.

[Gina Grad]

What year was the house built?

[Adam Carolla]

1929. 1929.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's a really, really cool house.

[Adam Carolla]

There's the. There's the front door by the Way if, if you want to see it anyway, you can see, you can see roadheart or you can see the overnight.

[Adam Scott]

If you were to get a place, does it ever. Like would you. You would. It would be unappealing to you to buy any place that didn't need you to work on it because you enjoyed working on it, right? Like is it. Would it be unenjoyable to buy something that was just beautifully done and executed before that all you had to do was just move in.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing for me is going to be completely turnkey, I don't think. But I just had this epiphany this morning which was I said I got. My first house was from 1923. Total gut job. Second house is from 1929 and now 1919, 19 and at more work and whatever I said next house ground up. Full envelope house. Envelope house sealed everything triple glazed from Germany. Completely air handler that just exchanges no zones of climate or anything. Everything's just no dust, no spider webs, cobwebs, no nothing. Just full modern solar dig a well. Thermal geothermal, just whole state of the art water recovery. Like full blown glass that, you know, you hit a button and it turns dark at night and turn lets the light through. Like I'm going full ground up. Fucking modern state of the art bonsai. Yeah, the 1920s shit is cool. But living in a house like that is kind of like driving, you know, a 55 Chevy. Like it's kind of cool when you pull up at the Bob's Big Boy, but it's not cool. Monday morning it's kind of a bummer Monday morning. It is, it is. And I'm just going full ground up. Full state of the art, full everything.

[Adam Scott]

Do you know all about that stuff? How do you learn that stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

I interviewed a guy on Ace on the house show we do here about what an. What an envelope house is, which I never really thought about it, which is traditional building. Your attic is vented. So there's vents and there's vents in the dormers, there's vents in the eaves. There's a ridge vent along the top. It's vented and along underneath the house, it's vented as well. The crawl space, you see the screen under there. So I said well first off, think about that. Like when you in your house is vented but you think about your car, your car, you shut the doors and it's like airtight. And then you turn the air or the heat on and it's much more efficient. So you think about your house during the summer, you're running the air conditioning in the space, but the hat above it is 120 degrees of hot air up there. Why isn't that sealed? Why is underneath it freezing in the winter, but you're running heat and the airs, the cold air is coming in and you feel the ceiling and it's cold in the floor. Whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Paradigm shift.

[Adam Carolla]

Go with the full envelope. So the deal with these houses is the first thing you do is you figure out what direction should the house face depending on where you are in relationship to the equator. If you're in a cold weather, warm weather. Well, if you're in a place like Phoenix, we're gonna worry. We're gonna focus on coolness. If we're in a place back east, we're gonna worry about being warm. So how do we situate the house to maximize the sun and the day and all that? Like, don't just face it at the street. That's just something the man figured out. You may face it a different direction. So let's face it the first, the right direction. Secondly, everything in that house is wrapped in like airtight. That house, when you shut the door, is sealed. And the attic and the crawl space or basement, everything. There's no punctures in the envelope. And then what you have is an air exchanger that's constantly scrubbing the air. It's constantly, you know, 71 degrees. There's no zones. Like, well, it's freezing in the living room, but it's, it's hot in the master suite.

[Gina Grad]

It's like a high end casino.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn the air on. Yeah, high end casino.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You never sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said to the guy, well, what about like when you go to the bathroom? Like there's got to be the fart fan, right? Like, what about, you know, you're taking a hot shower, steaming up. It's steam, you know, that's going to steam up the mirror. And they said the air is exchanged. It's such an incredible volume that you can go in the bathroom, shit it up and take a hot shower. Nothing ever steams up or gets stunk up. And it's a constant, just whatever temperature you want it. Winter, summer, doesn't matter. He said he has one. He said during the winter, his kids eat at the dinner table with their shirts off. I started to think about it. Yeah. Why are our houses so open? The draft always blowing through. You can see the light coming through the crack. And whatever you buy triple glazed windows, three panes of glass with like argon gas between. Everything comes from Germany. And when you shut that door, man, that house is completely sealed.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not a safety issue with like carbon monoxide though, or with the stoves on.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever it is. Not with the air exchange, whatever. If it comes out of Germany, they figured it out and they exchanged the air constantly. And yeah, all the dust, all those cobwebs, all the stuff all gone. All.

[Adam Scott]

I wonder where the AC is though.

[Adam Carolla]

As an.

[Adam Scott]

I can't be outside then it has to be in your house somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's all out. It's all outside. It's just. It's just basically you just realize we're living in the same house as our parents and our grandparents lived in, minus a car family. What we've done is we brought in a bunch of high tech TV sets and Blu Ray this and that, but the house is the same.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I love sealing the house up and just having the AC on and feeling like I'm living in like a hotel lobby. I want it. I want it freezing.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, using just like a tenth the energy it takes because you're not fighting constantly.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We have terrible insulation right now. It's such a bummer.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the next. That is the next move. Steel studs, no wood anywhere. The walls are like 16 inches thick. Huge R value in them. House is completely wrapped. Everything.

[Adam Scott]

You know, I just had a guy come to my house and do an energy R it. Yeah. It's amazing. Like tell you like where your.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

How efficient your house is.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. And did you pass some better than I thought. But some stuff's not official, you know, like certain things were not. I failed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Miserably.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't feel like that's. I feel like that. And the nutritionist going through your pantry is never going to.

[Adam Scott]

You're not gonna walk out with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

You're not going to get a good news.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Good.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I just want to say before we close out about your house. If you want to see Adam's house. If you want to see disgusting, naughty things happening in Adam's house. The overnight is the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the place. That's right.

[Gina Grad]

And Taylor Schilling, by the way.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Taylor Schilling. Yeah. From Orange is the new black.

[Gina Grad]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Piper, She's. She's great. Everyone in the movie is great. Castrol baby, that's what's great. They got new oil. Intelligent molecules. I'm going to put this in my super envelope house.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pour myself a bath. Why not bathe synthetically. 75% engine wear. When does it occur? During startup. And that Goes for at least 20 minutes. So let's get it figured out. Let's go with Castrol gtx. Magnetek clings to the critical engine parts even when your engine is turned off, so you don't have to pump it all up from the pan. It's already on the good stuff. It doesn't get worn down. Available at Walmart Autozone Cross Quick Lube Centers. It is Castrol. It is Castrol gtx magnetech. Yes. Paul Bryant.

[Brian Bishop]

Before we get to news, can I hit Jason with a little bit of trivia about his mom? He probably doesn't know.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Or you may know this. There's a handful of actors, 10 or 12 or whatever, who've played the same role in three different movies. Like Harrison Ford was Han Solo in three different movies. He was also Indiana Jones in three different movies. That's a rare thing. Only one actress in the Rocky movie is in the Godfather movies.

[Adam Scott]

No way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, two different.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, two different franchises. You know, Steven McKellen was, you know, in the X Men movies. He was also in Crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Lord of the Rings.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't look at me, you nerd. I have a nerd off the only actress.

[Adam Scott]

That's cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Those are great trilogies, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Indeed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we do a little news?

[Gina Grad]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. Showbiz, Congress, Tech news, sports news, world news. Give me news with Gina Grad. Weird shit out of Florida Sex surveys. Obama need News with Gina. Gina the News with Gina Grad.

[Gina Grad]

Well, news outlets and social media have spent the better part of the weekend talking about Rachel Dozel. She's the president of the Spokane chapter of the naacp, who claims not only to be African American and have two African Americans sons, but also claims to be the victim of eight hate crimes. The only hole in her claim is that her two white parents went to the media last week saying Rachel is 100% Caucasian and they, quote, do not understand why she feels it's necessary to misrepresent her ethnicity. Her parents go on to say that Rachel began disguising herself in 2007 and she no longer speaks to her parents because they will, quote, ruin her image. But wait, there's more.

[Adam Carolla]

The news was tipped off when she pronounced ask. Ask. That's when some of the local newspaper called a tell. Yes. The Antenna Way started moving in. Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Well, meanwhile, those two adopted sons that she claims to have, her parents say they adopted the boys and they're Rachel's brothers, not her kids.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why I'm not Gonna force my daughter to do anything she doesn't want to do.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I don't understand the life of this story.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Gina Grad]

It's been going on since Thursday night.

[Adam Carolla]

Most of the stuff I complain about takes a year to 18 months to transpire. This happened days after we were talking about the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing.

[Brian Bishop]

That may have been me, but. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

[Gina Grad]

Brian was getting a lot of Twitter credit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he was? Yeah. It was you?

[Kyle Turley]

It was me.

[Gina Grad]

Do you want to see a couple of.

[Brian Bishop]

We probably have the same thought. I verbalize. We probably have the same thought.

[Gina Grad]

So I have a couple of clips. The first one, she claims that a man believed to be an NAACP volunteer is her father.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah, that's. That's my dad.

[Dr. Bruce]

This man right here is your father.

[Adam Carolla]

We're so out of news right there. Do you have a question about that? Yes, ma'am. I was wondering if. If your dad really is an African American man. That's a very. I mean, I don't. I don't know what you're implying. Are you African American?

[Jason Schwartzman]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't understand the question of. I did tell you that. Yes, that's my dad, and he was unable to come in January. Are your parents. Are they white?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Adam Scott]

What was that interview? Was that she. Well, she surprised or.

[Gina Grad]

She said she's been.

[Adam Scott]

She seems so still, like it was like an interview.

[Gina Grad]

Well, the first six or so minutes is her talking about all these really horrible, horrific hate crimes that she claims have been perpetrate on her and her children that now sleep in her bed because they're terrified and they're 13 years old, and people are sending her flyers with pictures of people, you know, swinging in trees and just really horrible stuff. People that are, you know, in nooses and all this stuff, and nobody can find any credibility to back up any of these.

[Adam Carolla]

So she started it with this.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

She went to the NAACP with these complaints.

[Adam Carolla]

She's. She heads up the chapter and spoke of Spokane.

[Gina Grad]

So she says she. There's an Instagram picture or a picture of her with the hair saying, I decided to go natural. There's other pictures of her with long, blonde, beautiful, you know, Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder hair from when she was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she was. The pictures of her when she was in junior high or whatever are very.

[Gina Grad]

Honky ass, for lack of a better. Yeah. So people are really, really gravitating to the story. And I think now all the comparisons between Caitlyn Jenner.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Why do people care, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

I think because she lied, a white person can bleed in. Ncaa. Ncaa.

[Gina Grad]

Exactly. The NAACP is gonna give a statement tonight and see if she's still allowed to, you know, hold this post. Because she's been lying for so long.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like now we're even for Michael Jackson.

[Brian Bishop]

You think this evens. Evens the score?

[Adam Carolla]

I think we're even. Goes the other way. Yeah. We got one. We lost one. I can't wait until we. You know, they do those things where they go, like Time magazine says, like in 2050, the. This is what the world will look like. And there's just sort of one tan person with one blue eye with semi kinky hair, but not a full frost future, people. It's her, by the way. I cannot wait until we're all just that so we can get the fuck on with our lives. It's gonna be so awesome.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's just gonna even out like spreading butter across bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone will just be that. And then whatever else, then whatever happens to you in life, good or bad, you will not be able to blame it on anything because everyone will be exactly the same.

[Brian Bishop]

And Utopia, it'll be.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's like a character from the Matrix.

[Brian Bishop]

On the Matrix.

[Gina Grad]

She looks like a fly girl from In Living Color.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I think? I think that sort of. In an Eddie Murphy esque skit, I. I would challenge all my black friends. There was the one cameraman. All your black friends?

[Brian Bishop]

All your black friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I know him as Rallo, but I don't know what his real name is. But anyway, I'd like to know for all of them to walk around in my white loafers for one year just to realize what actual dicks most people are. And it's not racism. It's that there's just a bunch of fucking assholes everywhere that I run into on an almost daily basis, which I would almost always think was racism if I was anything other than me. All right, anyway, well, would you like.

[Gina Grad]

To hear more news that isn't news, but it's what everyone's talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Oh, right.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, I love that's how that's the first thing I say to my wife when we sit down to dinner.

[Gina Grad]

Well, the man who became the Internet's newest viral sensation is now in police custody. On Monday, Courtney Barnes was on his way to get a, quote, piece of burger from Burger King when he claims to have witnessed a crash involving police officers. His excited account of the accident went viral Wednesday. Last Wednesday, helping authorities ID him as a serial shoplifter around Ridgeland, Mississippi. Barnes, who I also, by the way, think was a contestant on so youo Think youk Can Dance, will return to Ridgeland in two weeks for a court appearance.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Gina Grad]

This is the clip that everybody's talking about.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I haven't heard about.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a dude.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Things are getting confusing. Look at me. What. What's. What'd you see? Okay, well, I'm a witness here. What I seen was a horrible, tragic situation. The guy was coming down, and I guess the police was trying to do a stop point. The man said, no, not today. And they began to race behind each other like cats and dog. The police officer got behind the man and started going so fast, his car spit out of control. Girl. He hit the pole. His head went to one side and his body went to the other side. And this is the result. Lord be with this young man. He need a blessing. So what did you.

[Theresa Strasser]

Where were you when this happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, ma'am, I was actually going to buy me a piece of burger from Burger King. And I just stopped right in the middle because my hunger just went away. Because when I seen that accident, girl.

[Brian Bishop]

I just began to be numb.

[Adam Carolla]

And I just had to just understand that somebody was experiencing this difficulty moment that was just not. Ma'am, I just cannot bear to continue to talk because it's just. So what you saw. Did the police. Well, what I seen was that the police officer.

[Adam Scott]

What happened?

[Gina Grad]

There's a tornado analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's tornado. Oh, look, for those who are listening, picture Nancy Grace.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's what we just saw.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

So now go back and tell me the story again based on that.

[Gina Grad]

So now they're like, wait a second. No, not at all. These are both confusing stories. The police said, wait a second. That looks like somebody who is on a bunch of surveillance videos shoplifting around town. So now he's become the story. And of course, he's been remixed about four times.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you guys have had this thought, but between the chick that's black and used to be white and Caitlyn Jenner and this and everything that's going on once in a while for a moment, I think to myself, how am I going to explain this to my kids? The white girl who becomes the black girl or the man that becomes the woman at a certain point. And I just thought to myself the other day, oh, fuck it. It's just on. Like, they're living in a world where it's just so on that we're not going to have to sit down. Figured out there was like, when I was a kid, gay was a novelty, you know, so it's like, at some point, someone had to say, you know, there are certain men who like other men, like Mommy and Daddy. Like, you know, there's no. I realize it's so ubiquitous now. We don't have to have the conversation or the explanation. I mean, it's.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

So. The other night, we were playing the board game Life. The board game. And you have to. And at a certain point in life. Have you played with kids?

[Gina Grad]

At a certain point with the little pegs.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

The little pegs. And you get married.

[Gina Grad]

A pink one or a blue one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

If you marry a man, it's blue. If you marry a girl, it's pink. And my son had to choose pink or blue for man or woman. And. And he's like, I don't want pink. Can I just be gay?

[Gina Grad]

Absolutely.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

He's eight years old.

[Gina Grad]

Go for it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason Schwartzman]

You just be gay.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like, it's so in the vernacular. And kids are just growing up in completely different world. I think it's great.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like. I had. When my daughter was four and a half. She said, I want Katy Perry as my mom. And I was like, I'm with you. Let's try it out for a long weekend, see how it goes. And then, you know, we'll see if we can get our deposit back. I don't know if we're gonna get our cleaning deposit back, but I said, yeah, okay, but I'm trying to be like a dad for 10 seconds. And I went, well, yeah, right. But what about Mommy? I mean, you can't have two mommies, can you? And she's like, dakota has two mommies. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. I'm having a conversation from 50 years ago. She's having one from now. Right. And now, so. But I realized she's now 9, and I don't have to have a discussion with her because she grew up with Dakota with two moms, so there's not going to be any.

[Gina Grad]

Dakota took care of that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

First of all, she grew up with a friend named Dakota.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Is right.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Very, very much right.

[Adam Carolla]

So we don't have to. I'm just gonna say whatever comes up, birds or bees or gay or lesbian, it'll just be Google that. I'll be in the next room.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's all out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Give Mommy a beer and Google that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's your next parenting book. Google that.

[Adam Scott]

Go to the fort.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go to the fort and Google That.

[Adam Scott]

Bring the thing and put the balls in it. Go to the fort. I'll meet you there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Simply safe. Boy, smart home security. You guys got to have a home security system. Aggressive sales guys, hardwired system. They're drilling everything. Oh, no, no, no. This is easy, actually. You go online. Let's say you got an apartment, you want a security system, but you don't want to pull all the wires and drill all the stuff and pull the stuff from the crawl space and underpinning and all that kind of stuff. Simply safe. It all just sticks on with, like, this double back 3M tape. You put it wherever you want. Get as many sensors as you want. Gary, you got something to say? Yeah. The best part is you just take that stuff with you when you go. So when you go to your next apartment. That's right. When you and Katie move into your new apartment with your daughter Natalia, you bring it with you around the clock. Protection. Just 15 bucks a month. No contracts and easy to install. Just takes 20 minutes. Simply safe. Adam.com Get 10% [e-mail] Adam. All right, let's do one more. All right.

[Gina Grad]

Well, a stage jump gone wrong at a Foo Fighters show in Sweden on Friday. It left David Grohl with a serious leg injury, according to tmz. You know what? I felt formal all of a sudden. I did call you Mr. Schwarzman earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

I enjoy. I know what you're doing.

[Gina Grad]

Apparently, the singer fell while performing the band's 97 hit song Monkey Wrench and then returned to the stage after seeking some very quick medical attention to sing Queen and David Bowie's hit Under Pressure. Here's a clip of Grohl sitting and singing after the accident, which goes into him promising to come back really soon.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I just broke my leg. I think I really broke my leg. So look, you have my promise right now that the Foo Fighters, we gotta come back and finish the show. But right now, you gotta do. You gotta do second metal right now. You gotta do it. Can you do it? Okay. How. How far in there are they? Let me tell you, right? I'm gonna go to.

[Adam Scott]

Where is he right now?

[Gina Grad]

In Sweden. He's on stage. Yeah, he's laying down.

[Adam Scott]

Is that right when he fell? It's amazing that his adrenaline is going crazy right now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's amazing that he knew he broke his leg. All right, a couple things. First off, Pat Smear plays guitar, emails me all the time. Love that, because whenever he travels, he downloads all my books. He watched a Paul Newman Documentary Roadheart and all such. He watches everything because he's trapped on a plane or whatever and he just travels with me. But Dave Grohl, here's the problem. He rocks so fucking hard, but he's knocking on 50 and you're gonna break your leg, right? You realize like when you're playing like pickup basketball and you're a little bit older, there's a kind of a. You're not diving for balls anymore. You're kind of doing a half speed, whatever. You're not doing what you do. You don't do anything. You don't. You don't do anything. You don't fuck like you used to. You don't dance like you used to. You don't shoot hoop like you don't do anything.

[Gina Grad]

You sure shit don't stage dive like you used to.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're on stage and you're fucking front of 90,000 people and you're rocking that hard, it doesn't matter how old you are, you have to rock. It takes over your body. So when you're doing the dive, it's 22 year old Dave Grohl who's diving into that, not 49 year old Dave Grohl who's diving into the pit and he's gonna bust his shit up. Can I say this? Can we do something with these stages?

[Gina Grad]

Because I feel like the edge just fell off.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody is falling off stages because you have to. Because it is. They're all painted flat black. You have a light in your eye. And the audience goes on for an infinity and so does the stage. And nobody wants to. No one can rock or tell jokes and look down and no one's.

[Adam Scott]

It seems like a lot of these stages. No, there's no audience for at least 15 to 20ft. Like there's a gutter for security people. So you're falling into nothing.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's really weird.

[Adam Scott]

I want to catch you.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's. It must be so weird to play one of those shows where the audience is like where the wall is.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

At those big arena and stadium shows. That's how much space.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird that there's. In a world filled with, you know, that we've covered in nerf foam, that the one place that still sort of remains is the stage where the guys who put on the tours that raised $200 million are able to fall off them and be out of commission for five weeks. Just seems like, like one guy would go, maybe we shouldn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Valuable assets.

[Adam Scott]

So what do you suggest? What would you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I say you get those things from airplanes that no one ever uses, which is the inflatable slide that you comically are asked to leap before you land on those. So it looks like everyone's going wee and having a good time on those things. You take those, the company that manufactures those, and you just put them around the base of the stage so that if Bono or Edger, Dave Grohl or whoever, and it's been a lot of people falling off stages lately, you just bounce back up again, slide right on down. Yeah. And I don't know what's more dangerous, that or the guy who takes the microphone stand and just start swinging around.

[Gina Grad]

David Lee Ross.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's take the sharp metallic thing with all the pointy edges on it and take the six year old dude and just have him spin it over his head endlessly on the small stage with the guy playing the bass not looking at you and backing toward you.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

How about that footage of Chris Novoselic, nirvana in like 92 or 93, throwing the bass up at the MTV Awards. And it just comes down and hits him, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, hits him right in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I can never. I can't.

[Gina Grad]

You can't unsee that.

[Adam Scott]

Or Enrique Iglesias.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Got his hand, you know, and a guy today, he like grabbed a drone.

[Gina Grad]

He tried to grab a drone out of the air on stage, but it.

[Adam Scott]

Was part of his show is like he like looks at the drone and plays with it.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Adam Scott]

But then he got hammered by it.

[Gina Grad]

Sliced his hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Patrick Warburton]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right open.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Footage of it.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Another thing that's crazy that I just saw, that's horrific and sad to talk about, but part of the conversation is this guy from the band, what are they called? Five seconds to summer or something?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, 52nd. Yeah, the burn.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, Guy walked. A young kid, like, walk. He walked. He was on stage playing guitar. He walked onto a pyrotechnic thing and.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, just blast it up. Yeah. Like Metallica.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. James Heyields.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What band was it that lit up the little club and.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Great White.

[Adam Carolla]

Great White.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That is the most. That's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also we gotta see this is gonna happen, right? Like when the idea is, hey, on stage are gonna be the. These pods that shoot fire that are going to go off sort of randomly and then your job is rock out as much as you can. But watch out where these things are. Pack it up and go to a new city and you'll be super drunk before you go out there. I mean, it's like, of course this is going to happen all the time.

[Adam Scott]

Can they do it with water? Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The great Rip Taylor. Got along very nicely. Are nothing but confetti. Thank you very much.

[Adam Scott]

And a lot of personality.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of personality. And a hell of a mustache for many years. All right, let's bring it home.

[Gina Grad]

I'm Gina Grad and that's the news.

[Adam Scott]

Great news, Ryder.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina. Gina.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you, Mr. Schwartz.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You go, Gina.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you, Mrs. Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, $ Shave Club. Hey, did we Gary for take a knee. Is that coming up? Where are we out now? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, came out today.

[Adam Carolla]

The Michael Dubin. Yeah, Michael Dubin, the guy who started Dollar Shave Club was on my sort of inspirational. Durbin. I think I might have misspoke. No, I think it's Dubin. Yeah. Really cool guy. Interesting guy. God, you just realize when you have a motor and you talk about your kids like, oh, man, we got to expose them this. Or we gotta. They gotta learn this. Or, you know, go to the right, whatever. Or they can have a motor and it's like when they have a motor, that's it. Just sit back, just figure out. They got to figure out what direction to point their engine. But then it's done. This guy, Michael Dubin, Dollar Shave Club. I mean, this guy was a page at NBC. This guy just went through life just. Just going nuts. And now Dollar Shave Club.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

He started Dollar Shave Club.

[Adam Carolla]

Started Dollar Shave Club. Yes. Three great razors. They got the two blade, they got the four blade and they got the six blade. I just used it tonight, actually. You get your first box in about a week. You get the. You get the handle and then the cartridges just keep coming. I just replaced mine tonight. I actually did. And I was like, good. Never have to think about this again. Never. And especially in LA when you have to go find the guy with the keys to let the cartridge.

[Adam Scott]

Why do they do that?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I think junk. You know why they do it? Because anything that is small enough to palm.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But cost $14 is locked up in a shark cage.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah. Because it's not like the razors are. They're all safety razors. So it's not like you could go up and slash.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. It's not a danger thing. It's. Junkies steal it and then sell it, I imagine.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What do they do with them?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when you. I don't know. But these are all things you would never see in Montana. Yeah, this is an LA thing. I don't know.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, is it only an LA thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a. Sadly, it's spread out, but. But it's like it's the barbed wire around the freeway sign. It's not. You don't see it in Montana, but it's also.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's inordinately expensive for races.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's why Dollar Shave Club. You do it costs a couple bucks a month and that's it. DollarShaveClub.com makes a great Father's Day gift. And good. Get it for your dad and then he never has to buy them again. And get it for yourself. Type in Adam dollarshaveclub.com Adam. Let him know you gotta hear it. And listen to the. Take a knee with him because the guy's inspirational. Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Speaking of that, do you guys know that in other parts of the country you don't have to pay for your gas before you pump it? I grew up my entire life in Kansas. You pump it, you go, oh, this is what I spent. I shall go in and pay.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Still, I haven't been back in a while, but I'd like to think so.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I was just in Cleveland and I had to pay before I. Oh, well, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the. It does let you know where you're living or what kind of community you're living in by whether you need to pay first and how thick the Lucite glass is. The bulletproof glass. Like when that person is locked up in a terrarium that's bulletproof and they.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Shove drawers out at you with the yellowed Lucite. Been there for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

And everything is everything says stainless steel box that just comes out like they would do in prison. Like, I think Hannibal Lecter, like the canteen. Yeah. Hannibal Lecter had the box set up that LA uses at gas stations.

[Gina Grad]

Popeyes Chicken.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. All right, the US Hollywood improv coming up Thursday. Liza Schlesinger will be with us. Vegas doing shows in London. All stuff coming up. You can watch my movies. You. You can watch Adam and Jason's movie. The overnight select theaters. That is June 19th. So that's coming up this Friday. And then it'll spread out. And if you're somewhere like the aforementioned Kansas and you're waiting for it to come to your town, go to theovernight-movie.com and figure and look for your city and find out when it's coming to you guys. Mazel tov, guys. Great to have you.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Thank you so much, Adam. Thanks, you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, Adam Carolla for Adam Scott. Jason Schwartzman, Gina Grad and ball Bryan saying mahalo. I will your up.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, those are the guys from the overnight the movie that rented Adam's house from Adam Cole show 1594 in 2015. That doesn't phrase crawl classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for our final episode this weekend. Until then, mahalo and get it on.